# He doesn't want to be told he has to change...



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I recently found that my husband of 5 1/2 was exchanging nude photos, explicit texts, videos, etc...with other women. We are seeing a MC right now and she thinks he has commitment issues. He says he wants our marriage to work but at the same time he's upset because he's being told to change. 

I certainly don't want him to change because he HAS to but because he WANTS to. I truly love him and know we are wonderful together. I guess that's what's making this so much harder to deal with. As painful as it would be to no longer be with him I know it would be more painful knowing he never wanted to make the changes he did to stay with me. 

I feel very confused and lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We would use a bit more info. How old are you and your husband. Do you have children? Do you work outside the home and have your own income? Do the two of you have joint checking/savings accounts? 

Yor husband is cheating on you. Would your husband accept it if you did what he is doing? Have you asked him that?

From what you have said, your husband’s current actions unacceptable TO YOU. They would be to most people, male and female. 

The only person you can change is yourself. 

So this has to be focused on YOU What do YOU want? You need to determine your own boundaries. Then you do not tell him that he has to change. You tell him what you will accept in your marriage.

“I find your having relationships with other women unacceptable. Especially when you are sending nude photos, videos and explicit, texts, etc. to these women. I will not accept this in my marriage. 

You have a choice here. If you want to continue this you can move out now. If you want to stay in this marriage, I expect you to end all contact with these women now. Either you are committed to this marriage or you are not. If you leave I will file for divorce immediately. Decide now.”

That’s how you do it. You are not telling him to change. You are giving him the choice to leave and choose to continue his nonsense or to stay and be your husband.

You might really want to dump the counselor. The counselor is enabling him to continue to cheat on you. What's up with that?


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## Happy_in_love (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi - sorry to hear about your current situation. Your thread is not very clear - the changes you want him to make - is this to stop cheating on you or is there some other changes? Also- has this happened before?
If you could give usmore details and a bit of background I'm sure you'll receive lots of helpfull posts. 
What I can tell you at this point - it that is behaviour is not ok, you do not have to feel bad about asking him to stop cheating!
Also please note - has he taken responsibility for his actions at all? Has he apologized, or shown any signs of remorse about cheating? If not - no amount of counselling will help, he has to take responsibility for himself,and want to shange first. Forcing a change on him is not going to help. Please give us some more information- so we can provide you with better answers.
Take care


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I’m 34 and my husband is 29 and we’ve been together for 8 1/2 years and married 5 1/2. I have an 11 year old from a pervious relationship and we have no children together. We both have full time jobs out side the home and he brings in 2/3rds of the income. I work 6am-2:30p Sun thru Thurs and he works 2:30p-10:30p Sat thru Weds. Our schedules do not allow a lot of time together. We do have a joint checking account.

We get along extremely well and never fight. I thought we were both happy. I found that my husband had been corresponding with other women with nude photos, explicit text, foundling of one woman’s breasts and webcam. One of the women he had been doing this with for about 4 years. Once this was brought to light I told him it had to stop and it did. This was about 8 months ago. Recently he said he still feels the urge to feel how he did when he was messing around. He liked the thrill and excitement of it. He also says that he often thinks of having sex with other women. He’s also been a huge porn watcher his entire life.

We began seeing a MC 3 weeks ago. She said she feels he has commitment issues. So, being told he has to do something means he is making a commitment to doing it. She feels are more issues causing his sexual thoughts and commitment issues so he started to see a therapist on his own. His 2nd appointment is this Thursday and our couples appointment is Friday. Same doctors office so the doctors communicate with each other with approval from my husband. 

He tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work but he’s upset that he’s being told what he can and cannot do. The only things he had to change recently is the betrayal and he had to stop having in depth conversations with a certain woman he works with. She was one of the women he was being dishonest with. 

I had been feeling good about things the last week, until last night. We were chatting through text while he was at work. Something he said really bothered me. Here is a bit of the conversation. 

Me: I’m hopeful that things will work out.

Him: Same here. But we can’t rule out that it won’t happen. As awful as it is to imagine, it’s still a possibility.

Me: I know there is a change things won’t work. Have you been having any doubts about us?

Him: I am concerned that all this work we’re putting in won’t save us.
Me: Where is your concern coming from?

Him: My supposed problems with commitment; and being told what I can/cannot do are in direct opposition to what a marriage is.

Me: Those are issues that can be changed if you are willing to work at it. Do you feel you want our marriage enough to put the work in?

Him: I do want us to work. I love you darling. But I also feel upset that I’m being asked to change.

Me: What if you didn’t change and went back to doing what you were doing while still being with me? How would you feel then?

Him: I would feel guilty for violating the commitment I made to you when we got married. It’s very selfish of me.

I’m not really sure how to take what he said. I feel like he's unsure about what he wants even though he says he wants us to work. I’m worried if we do stay together he will later resent me for having to had change some things. I cannot express in words how much I love this man and his entire family and how much my daughter adores everyone. I also know I cannot stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I am so torn up over this. I am trying to be strong but am failing.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

He sounds depressed and addicted to porn. I have had that problem myself. 

Porn addiction is a clear sign of depression and unresolved childhood damages. He needs lots of work. He sees no point in changing because life is quite meaningless to him. He loves/hates (both, again, both) himself so much that changing for the sake of your marriage feels like a stupid joke to him.

I've been there and it's not pretty at all. 

If he's suffering from what I did, he must have this uneasy feeling of "not belonging" anywhere he goes or whoever he talks to. He never feels like a part of this world and his ego pushes him towards believing that he's above and beyond what life has to offer.

One word: DEPRESSION

I would say, almost all his routines have to be tossed out the window before any positive change can occur. He has to do a complete 180 on himself. He's in a very dangerous place.

Keep in mind, he might have cheated on you physically or may still be doing it. He sees nothing wrong in hiding things from you. He sees nothing wrong in masturbating instead of having sex with you. He doesn't see a point in marriage.

The only thing you can do for now is to keep him in therapy. Don't let him fall off the wagon. He has a lot to learn about himself and at times they will be very painful. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you know for sure that this wasn't going on since day 1 that you met him?

I personally would have a problem with the amount of alone time he has, during the day. At least that would be my concern in my own marriage.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I do believe he has an addiction but don't think he's depressed. He had a very good life growing. His parents have been married for 32 years and have a wonderful relationship. 

I have been his only real relationship. We met right before he turned 21. I guess he never got to explore with others the way he wanting to now. He has a bunch of friends and is very well liked. He is very kind, calm and considerate. I never ever in a million years would have thought he would doing what he has done. He hid it all so well. 

My feelings are all over the place. It's all I can think about. I don't see him again until Friday which is the day we go to therapy. I'm scared.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

Cherry...
I think there was flirting going on with one woman the whole time. It wasn't until later that it progressed into more. He says he hasn't touch anyone in any way except for the boob feel and I believe him.

He normally sleeps during the day. When he gets home he stays up till around 4am playing video games, watching TV or being online. He told me this is when most of the betrayal would take place. He gets up to get my daughter off to school then hits bed again till he goes into work. 

I know it sounds stupid, but I believe he is being honest with the things he has told me. Actually, he's being brutally honest, which is what I wanted.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

To Sweet n Sour:

I really don't think your counselor was condoning your husband fooling around on you...he/she was merely stating the truth...that he has commitment issues. That in no way excuses him for fooling around.

My ex husband and I went through much of the same things you and your husband are going through. He was exchanging nude pictures on the internet, chatting with these women, and often meeting them. When I'd confront him with it, he'd either lie about it or tell me that if I hadn't been such a B, he wouldn't have done it.

We ended up in MC which did no good as my husband would just dance around the issues. We both finally decided that he'd go to his own sessions and I'd go to mine.

What I found out from our counselor was that my husband was raised by a very controlling mother and had developed the attitude that nobody was going to tell him what to do in his adult life. Rules were made for everybody but him and he was going to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it irregardless if he was married or not.

Because of all this, he had become a pathological liar and passive aggressive in order to get his way.

Our counselor told me that in no way was he going to respond to couple talks such as, "I feel this way when you do this, etc." as it only pushed my husband over the edge with the comeback, "Don't make me feel guilty for how YOU feel..that's your problem!!" and thus he would either clam up when I tried to talk to him..turn up the tv..or walk out.

With people such as your husband, you can even set boundaries and they won't submit to them as they won't abide by them as again..nobody is going to control them.

I know your husband says that he loves you and my husband loved me also..but sometimes it takes a stronger person to really set some hard core boundaries and be willing to kick them out and keep them kicked out for good should they step outside those boundaries. I wasn't that type of person and thus we found out that we were better off with other people.

People change because they want to change and nobody can ever make them irregardless what the boundaries are in some cases. I ended up filing for divorce because I could no longer take picking up the pieces of his messed up life anymore, could no longer take his ridicule as he continued to fool around on me, etc.

Of course, he didn't want the divorce..yet he didn't want to give up his fun lifestyle either as he was living with a woman he'd met on the internet. Bottom line, he wanted me in his life..and her too..and it just couldn't work that way. 

Funny how things work though...he's since apologized for the horrible way he treated me all those years and we had a peaceful divorce. He's finally settled down though and has told me that he has absolutely no confidence in himself anymore....he failed in his business, he lost a lot of friends, and most of all, he failed in his marriage.

He is now remarried to a real hag of a woman that practically leads him around by his collar. I guess that's what he needed in the long run....hope he enjoys the choke chain..lol!!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your husband is depressed. He's living the lifestyle of a depressed male. I was your husband until very recently. Trust me when I say he's depressed.

He's got childhood damages that need addressing. 

Don't try to diagnose your husband without knowledge. His calmness or smiley face have nothing to do with him being depressed or not. He's not being himself. He's now the master of hiding and lying. You have no chance against his dishonesty. He will fool you, everyone around you and himself forever unless he gets treated.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sweet n sour said:


> I do believe he has an addiction but don't think he's depressed. He had a very good life growing. His parents have been married for 32 years and have a wonderful relationship.
> 
> I have been his only real relationship. We met right before he turned 21. I guess he never got to explore with others the way he wanting to now. He has a bunch of friends and is very well liked. He is very kind, calm and considerate. I never ever in a million years would have thought he would doing what he has done. He hid it all so well.
> 
> My feelings are all over the place. It's all I can think about. I don't see him again until Friday which is the day we go to therapy. I'm scared.


I went through much of the same thing, except I have no solid proof my H hooked up with anyone during that. We did go to counseling and he has since NOT surfed the net for casual chat/sex. I think what changed him was that he had a desire to change. 

That was a boundary I was not willing to let him cross again with our marriage in tact. If he chooses to do those things again, that will be the end of the line for me and our marriage. That's it, I can't compete with those women and if that's what he wants, go for it! 

I feel for you, especially since the rest of the marriage is great. But your H has to realize that if he wants that kind of life, he cannot have a wife too. I hope that the two of you can sort it out in counseling and get your marriage back on track.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

memyselfandi...
thank you for sharing your experience. I am curious to find out what his therapist says after he's gone a few more times. He seems to handle the couples therapy well, even though I do most of the talking. 

I have always been an all or nothing kind of person. So naturally I think divorce when I don't think he's happy. I am trying to not go the extreme but it's really hard. I have a daughter I would have to support and feel like I should be getting myself prepared for the worst. I'm not sure how to handle the time between now and a few weeks from now. If I have to wait for him to go to several therapy sessions for him to figure out if he wants me I will have already gone crazy with my own thoughts. 

A small part wishes I never knew what was going on.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

During all this I am trying to remain calm. I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. That relationship taught me that nothing gets solved with violence, screaming or putting someone down. When I talk to my husband I speak to him and not at him. I keep a calm tone. I listen to what he has to say. I tell him how I feel. I have cried several tears over this but I have never begged him to stay with me. I have told him that I need someone who wants to be with me 100% and if that's not him then he needs to tell me, now matter how painful it would be to hear. I sit here alone right now. Crying. My daughter is at a friends house and he is at work. I only have a limited amount of people to talk to. My mom is one of them. I already suffer from depression which was caused by a horrible childhood. I have been suicidal many times in the past. 

I worry about so many things. If we stay together will he be mad at me and later think he did the wrong thing by staying? If he leaves will I be able to support my daughter and me? Her dad refuses to pay his child support. I wouldn't even be able to pay for my car in addition to rent and bills. How will my daughter handle it? She doesn't know life without my husband. She already has one rotten dad who she can't stand most of the time...now she will have another who is actually a good man?

I am scared or losing him...I am scared of myself...and I am scared to damage my daughter more.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

Last night H told me that he told his therapist “how restricted he feels about being limited to only have an affection (of any level) for one person“. They are going to discuss that tomorrow. Those words hurt me. He also said "I'm willing to put some work into making it last“. He has also said before that he got married because i wanted to so he went along with it because he loved me. 

I am so confused! Part of me is ready to put my foot down and say lets end it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Last night H told me that he told his therapist “how restricted he feels about being limited to only have an affection (of any level) for one person“.
> 
> He has also said before that he got married because i wanted to so he went along with it because he loved me.


For me, it has come through clearly that your husband doesn't want to be controlled or restricted when it comes to playing slap-and-tickle with other women. He "went along" with marrying you, but did so becaues you wanted to get married.

Depression aside, I see someone who tends to back into, and out of, relationships. He likes to keep his options open. He has major issues with what he considers "control." It is not controlling to want one's spouse to be monogamous; however, to him it is because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way. 

My other take on this is your husband is overly-sensitive to what he perceives as "control" because he likes to remain somewhat detached. The problem with that is, detached people need other people around them to detach from. So, regardless of what he says, he DOES have an attachment to you. Not healthy, but nonetheless it's an attachment.

I'm very familiar with your situation because I'm married to someone who is quite similar. It does get confusing, but it doesn't have to be. You can't figure him out. All you can do is decide whether or not you are willing to live with him. He may be half-in, half-out of the marriage the rest of his life. He may give it a shot, then go back to his old ways. Regardless, you have to seriously look at what it is YOU want for your own peace of mind.

I found that I couldn't live with my husband because the bottom line was -to me at least - he wasn't giving me the type of commitment I needed to feel secure.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm sorry to say... but the recent comment he made about feeling restricted to being limited to just one person speaks very loudly that he does not believe in being committed to just one person.

Or he is afraid of being told to give up the other person he is sleeping with. He wants more than one woman.
If you are not ready to be in an open marriage, well you already are. He already had a 4 year deal with a woman online. Was this while your were married? Does he honestly not consider this cheating? Do you?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sweet n sour said:


> During all this I am trying to remain calm. I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. That relationship taught me that nothing gets solved with violence, screaming or putting someone down. When I talk to my husband I speak to him and not at him. I keep a calm tone. I listen to what he has to say. I tell him how I feel. I have cried several tears over this but I have never begged him to stay with me. I have told him that I need someone who wants to be with me 100% and if that's not him then he needs to tell me, now matter how painful it would be to hear. I sit here alone right now. Crying. My daughter is at a friends house and he is at work. I only have a limited amount of people to talk to. My mom is one of them. I already suffer from depression which was caused by a horrible childhood. I have been suicidal many times in the past.
> 
> I worry about so many things. If we stay together will he be mad at me and later think he did the wrong thing by staying? If he leaves will I be able to support my daughter and me? Her dad refuses to pay his child support. I wouldn't even be able to pay for my car in addition to rent and bills. How will my daughter handle it? She doesn't know life without my husband. She already has one rotten dad who she can't stand most of the time...now she will have another who is actually a good man?
> 
> I am scared or losing him...I am scared of myself...and I am scared to damage my daughter more.


{{{HUGS}}}

Has he adopted your child? Or would he be willing. It sounds like the two of you have a good marriage, however, if his actions are hurting you emotionally, then you need to protect yourself. I understand the financial side to this, I think a lot of us here do when it comes to these kinds of decisions. And if you two get along otherwise, I do not see why that would have end <--- him continuing to be a part of your daughter's life. And further if her biological dad is refusing to pay child support, the courts can help change his mind and quick. 

None of this means your husband is a bad person, he just may not be the right man for you as a partner in life. Doesn't mean your daughter has to lose her father figure in her life, and I doubt he wants that either.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

He never adopted daughter but he may as well have. To her...he is her dad. He isn't sleeping with anyone right now and hasn't before. What he did do I still cosider cheating.

As much as I love him I don't think I could go everyday knowing how he feels. This is so painful. I will be losing someone I cherish. Would I even be able to be around him if we seperated? I can't answer that. I think it would hurt too much. 

We would have to live together for awhile still. I wouldn't want to pull my daughter out of school so I would wait till summer to move. I'm not sure how I would handle that though. Being roomates with someone you want to be with seem like agony.

I appreciate all the replies. I need them. Not having many to help me through this I feel I can lean on others here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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