# help I need advice



## Christifer'smom (Apr 3, 2009)

so I have this husband who feels the need to control everything. we've had problems since we began almost 8 years ago. i've been able to overlook everything between us but 3 years ago we had a son together. some people are born to be parents and some aren't my son is mt world and i wouldn't change anything about him however my husband doesn't feel the same way. my son was born 3 1/2 months early and my marriage started to go down the tubes then. don't get me wrong i don't blame my son i blame my husband. i wanted to spend every minute i could with my son since we didn't know if he would live or die my husband said it was boring to go see him in the hospital! Its only gotten worse. i hate divorce and beleive God hates it too but there is only so much a person can handle. my husband doesn't want to spend any quality time with our son he feels he's there to discipline him. he wants to know why our son is three (as of March 27th) and isn't potty trained yet but my son is actually doing well with it until his father yells at him and then he proceeds to have an accident. I feel like if I stay with my husband my son will ultimately have low self esteem and self worth. I love my husband but don't feel like I'm in love with him. He's always negative about evrything and he brings everyone down around him. but every time I try to leave him he cinvinces me he'll change and I go back. I'm terribly tired of being disappointed in myself when it all starts to go bad again. I just can't decide if I should wait it out and he'll grow up and be a good dad or will that be hurting my son in the long run because either my husband won't grow up soon enough or he may just not be dad material?
what would some of you do?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I was fooled to thinking my husband was a good dad. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and spends 2-3 days a week with her. Now that he and I are married and have 2 sons, he still devotes more emotional energy on her. He was a losuy cargiver when the boys were infants. Now they are 3 and 7, he is coming around. He still doesn't do the basics of feeding, bathing, or reading stories, or what I think are essential, but he is a kind person. Not all men want to be fathers, nor know the skills. He gets by with performing the minimum duties of fatherhood. Fortunately, my husband does compensate by being great at other things. Good luck.


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## Christifer'smom (Apr 3, 2009)

I just wish he would do something with his son. he won't do any fatherly duties such as feeding, changing diapers, bathing and he keeps saying he'll spend time with him when he's older.but how old does he have to be?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im not a mom, so take it for what its worth, but im guessing your H feels like he has no authority. I think you are too emotionally enmeshed with your son. Im not saying your H doesnt have his faults, but over all, i think you left your marriage for your son. 

I think you need to work on your marriage again and compromise with your H.


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## Christifer'smom (Apr 3, 2009)

In response to blanca your right I can tell you don't have kids! i haven't left my husband yet but I will tell you we have been to marriage counseling and nothing is getting better. I would be willing to settle from him treating me like crap controlling my every move and putting me down but I can't have it happening to my son. I truly hope you never have kids bcuz you obviously don't believe in putting them first which we all should. I've read a couple of your replies to different people and judging by those responses you are one of those people who should never have kids.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

In defense of Blanca - there are protestant churches (one Baptist one that I've been to and know for a fact) that believe the priority list should be as follows: 1)God 2) husband 3) children. So Blanca might be speaking to this. So don't be judgmental as to what type of parent Blanca would be - your casting stones that you don't have any right throwing. Life is a balance and if your kids ALWAYS come before your husband then your going to have issues with your husband. Needs of your children first - wants of your kids not always. There is a difference

Now my opinion on your plight. Honestly to me it sounds like he sees himself in that traditional dad role - only stepping in when you need a heavy hitter in the discipline department. My dad was the same way - he mellowed as he got older - you should see him with the grandkids. Could it be that he is somehow "scared" of your son - like he thinks he might somehow hurt him when he changed a diaper or that he worries that your son is behind developmentally and just expresses his concern in the wrong way - by yelling at your son. I would talk to him and try and get to the deeper reason for him not jumping in more.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Thanks Tngirl. I was alluding to that. My mom always put her kids first, and the marriage fell apart. I can imagine her writing something very similar to the OP. 

@mom:

Im sorry that your H has caused you so much pain. I can see that you are very angry and bitter. Perhaps your anger is rising towards me now, and you want to tell me off. Ive been there, too. I used to get angry at posters all the time. And then I realized i was becoming a very angry, bitter person. i was snapping at people I didnt even know. Thats when i realized it was my problem, and i didnt like who i was becoming. I hope this site can help you, too. I hope you learn to find peace within yourself again.


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## Christifer'smom (Apr 3, 2009)

In response to both of you I understand I can't always put my my son over my husband. We've tried having dates nights but I'm not allowed to talk about my son, my work, his work, or pretty much anythings except motors when we do so therefore I get bored. My life is get up take him to work because he got a owi so he has no license now, take my son to the babysitters, get ready for work, go to work, come home, fix dinner, get baths, go to bed so if something funny happened with my son or at work and I want to tell my husband he snaps and says he doesn't care to hear it. I'm sorry for being so judgemental towards you Blanca I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just don't know why I'm always in the wrong with my husband. My son was born 3 1/2 months early so any accomplishment for me I'm exstatic about he's really leaps and bounds ahead of some kids at his age which is huge since he had so many obstacles to overcome just to be normal. I've asked my husband if he is afraid since my son was so small at first but he's says no because our son is perfectly fine now he's just thinks he's too whiny or too loud and he refused to change a diaper because it's disgusting. I just want my son to know that his father loves him and being yelled at because he wants to give his dad a kiss on the cheek("because boys don't kiss") seems cruel to me. When my son tries to initiate any kind of contact he gets yelled at because he's in the way of the tv or being too loud and my husband can't hear the tv. I just don't understand why we can't all do things together and have a good time. once again I do apologize for my response earlier.


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