# No physical intimicy



## ClevelandStve (Mar 28, 2011)

My wife and I are great with emotional intimacy. We tell each other "love you" through the day, hold hands, kiss, etc. We sort through problems very well too. However, the lack of sex is starting to kill me and making me think about moving on. 

Throughout our marriage, we've never been the "lets get it on everynight" crowd. And I'm honestly fine with that. But in the last year it's gotten to the point where we're only having sex every 3 - 4 weeks and it's so boring that my finish rate is hitting 50%. We've talked about it, she says she understands and will do better. Nothing changes.

The current situation is making it even worse. I got tossed back into a reminder of the worse 18 months of my life when I saw someone I used to date on Facebook. She was a friend of a friend, and when we broke up our mutual friends went with her. To be truly fair, her break-up was NOT the cause for that time being so brutal; it was a symptom and didn't help, but I honestly can't blame her. Personal family issues came to a head that contributed to the break-up. I told her about the situation (she knew all about that time in my life already), that it has nothing to do with her, I love her, and I just need to work it out. We talked about it, she said she understood, and she's been patient. 

Last week, I just wanted to feel SOMETHING different. SOMETHING. What do I get: "No." Then next day she says "lets go upstairs." Same old boring.

She says it's because she was "raised catholic" and her parents never talked about sex. I'm attracted to her and compliment her all the time; she's been working out a lot recently and has lost a lot of weight (but we actually had sex more when she was larger). She says she feels horny, but doesn't do anything about it. We've "talked" about this before; I would say talked but I feel that that would entail something changing. 

Given my general mood right now and my frustration level, I'm getting ready to walk. Moreover, I'm reaching the point where if we get divorced later she gets half of my income for life (I'm a medical student taking a year off for a master's degree).

Is this the beginning of the end?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Sounds like she is harboring some resentment towards you, which is a killer in the sex department.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You're ready to walk without even trying to find out whats going on? If she were to tell you today what the issue is, would you being willing to try to help fix it with her?


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## ClevelandStve (Mar 28, 2011)

If she could tell me what was wrong and what I could do, I would definitely stay around. 

The problem is that when we talk, there's no follow-through. The discussions are sort of reaching a point to where I'm wondering if there is a point. There's understanding, but it just feels like I'm doing all of the understanding.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All I ever got from wifey was "I'm the girl". I guess that meant she never had to do anything. I no longer care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ClevelandStve said:


> My wife and I are great with emotional intimacy. We tell each other "love you" through the day, hold hands, kiss, etc. We sort through problems very well too.


 Me & my husband was like this for 19 yrs, very good satisfying marraige, except for one thing -he wanted more sex but suffered silently -without really pushing me, talking to me about his needs. 



ClevelandStve said:


> Throughout our marriage, we've never been the "lets get it on everynight" crowd. And I'm honestly fine with that.


We were like this also. My husband was a very patient man. 



ClevelandStve said:


> She says it's because she was "raised catholic" and her parents never talked about sex.


When I hear comments like this, I automatically wonder if the woman may have underlying "sex is dirty" thoughts/beliefs that hinder her awakening to her sexuality & marital bed experience. 

I DID - started a whole thread on this subject. I sound somehwat like your wife -although I was too horny to wait "weeks" for sex. But we never tried anything new/exciting. I would not call what we did "boring" because we were starving by the time we got around to it -but 1-2 postitions for 19 yrs is a little rediculous. (would have been excrusiatingly boring for others) Never any spice. I had a "sex is dirty" mindset and I KNOW it affected me in ways that hampered our sex life & what it "could" have been. I am an awakened woman now. 

Also is your wife on hormonal birth control ? This can lower her sex drive. 

Confused about your FB comments, are you talking about hooking up with an old girlfriend?


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## ClevelandStve (Mar 28, 2011)

SA,

Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it.

Seeing an old acquaintance on Facebook was just the stimulus to really kick me into depression mode because it reminded me of that time in my life. It was just the association between that guy and the ex-girlfriend and the crap I felt about the break-up and losing 99% of my social support group at the time that my family is breaking apart, I'm working 3 jobs, etc....

To be fair and honest, I do think about an ex-GF from that period, in terms of "Man, I screwed that up. I hope she found someone to make her happy." I've been thinking about her a lot since this depression hit, but I recognize that it's just because she helped me feel better at that time, so I'm just being like one of Pavlov's dogs and was conditioned to think that she could also make *this* time feel better. Last I heard, she's happily married, and I wouldn't want my wife's ex-boyfriend contacting her so I'm not going to do it either.

I'm just really frustrated at the lack of physical intimacy; I could really use that right now, I told her that, and nothing. That really hurts.

Writing all this has actually been really helpful. It's not really just about the lack of physical intimacy; I could really use a roll in the hay to feel better right now though. It's about the fact that the communication is sometimes like beating my head against a wall. We talk quiet and adult-like....nothing gets done. I reach the frustration point and start yelling.....something changes. AND I have to be the one to bring something up.

In this case, neither route has worked. That's what's killing me. It's like I'm the only one here who really views a problem; I tell her, get platitudes, and then nothing changes. 

For me, I'd like just once-twice a week. Some changing positions, less clinical "Now do this. Wait....even though I said to do it." Me not having to be the one to always go hat-in-hand and beg for it.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I have posted ad nauseam, about the importance of making love with one's husband. Most of the women become very angry, yet the men understand and applaud my viewpoint. If a wife does not have sex with her husband, where is the poor man supposed to get his needs met?
If you are a decent partner, she has no excuse. Your wife says what you want to hear, but does nothing. She is being passive aggressive.
I was raised Catholic too, in a very strict home. I rebelled at 21, got a place of my own and went crazy. I felt like I had to make up for all those years I missed out on.
I suggest that you sit down with your wife and express your resentment and frustration. Confront her tendencies to make empty promises. Tell her that she is a sexy woman and that making love with her husband is healthy and normal. Have some sexy lingerie on hand and let her know that you want to see her in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClevelandStve (Mar 28, 2011)

Here's a good note here:

I found out that student health services has free counseling services. I'm a big believer in counseling; did several years of it in my early 20s to get my head together. I'm not going to do anything drastic while I'm depressed (ya know what sucks about medical school? Screening yourself and coming up positive); I'll go to some appointments, try to get some of *my* head back on straight first.

They also do marriage therapy. I'll suggest that we see someone. We've done it before, a couple of years ago when I first started medical school. We only stopped because it was really expensive. This time it's free.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

ClevelandStve said:


> Here's a good note here:
> 
> I found out that student health services has free counseling services. I'm a big believer in counseling; did several years of it in my early 20s to get my head together. I'm not going to do anything drastic while I'm depressed (ya know what sucks about medical school? Screening yourself and coming up positive); I'll go to some appointments, try to get some of *my* head back on straight first.
> 
> They also do marriage therapy. I'll suggest that we see someone. We've done it before, a couple of years ago when I first started medical school. We only stopped because it was really expensive. This time it's free.


You're on the right track. IC and MC could work wonders. Your wife is being passive aggressive, which halts open communication.
When I have posted about the importance of sex, most of the wives on here get angry, yet the men applaud my candor. If you are a decent man, you deserve sex. Where on earth should you get it from, if not your wife??
I was raised in a strict Catholic home too. I left home at 21 and made up for all the experiences I wasn't allowed to have. 
Before you start therapy, sit down with your wife and confront her with the issue. Let her know about your resentment and your desires. Your wife needs to know how important sex is. Have you tried buying her something sexy and asking her to model it for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mrs. G, how long have you been married?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Mrs. G, how long have you been married?


I have not been married very long; although I have been with my husband for four years. The sex keeps getting hotter and we extensively discussed this aspect of our marriage, before we tied the knot. :smthumbup:

I'm sure that certain challenges may change our sexual connection. This is one of the reasons we choose to remain childfree. We have also agreed that should my husband run into ED, he will take Cialis. Menopause may change my sex drive too, but I will certainly get that treated. We tend to have MORE sex during stressful periods.

I started a "Good Sex Life Thread" and I was happy to see that many TAM members have been married for decades, yet still have amazing sex. It IS possible; it just has to be worked on.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

ClevelandStve said:


> If she could tell me what was wrong and what I could do, I would definitely stay around.


My husband was the one who wasn't interested in sex. He never could tell me what was wrong (or didn't want to - not sure which). In my case it was my fault and it took counseling to put us back on track when I was the one ready to walk.

Even now with knowing what's wrong it's still not an easy fix. I'm like the man and he's the girl. He wants cuddling, compliments, and lovey dovey stuff. I'm more of a lets have sex and then get off me so I can go to sleep. I'm about as affectionate as a fish and well that's not attractive to him. Go figure. 

What I'm saying is there are a million reasons why anyone isn't interested in sex. My best friend isn't and I know why. Her husband doesn't help her out, he barks at her and the kids, he's lazy, unclean - doesn't shave or shower sometimes, he treats her like a maid, and on top of that he's grumpy. She refers to him as "the troll". And he is clueless as to why she doesn't want to have sex with him. He thinks he's perfect. :rofl:

Good luck solving your mystery. Took 7+ years to figure mine out. Hope you have better luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

By all means, go to counseling. A third party, especially a professional, can usually help to some extent. But, I don't recommend trying to talk to your wife about sex on your own. You've tried it in the past and it hasn't worked. That usually means it won't work in the future.

I suggest you stop asking for sex and just start initiating sex. Wives don't want their husbands to ask permission to have sex. You ask permission from your mom, not your wife (but not for sex, hopefully). Be more assertive.


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## Logan_Utah (Apr 1, 2011)

I can completely relate you here. The first thing you have to do is make it clear in your mind that this is the woman you fell in love with and married. If something is broken – fix it. Focusing on your antipathy and contemplating whether or not to walk will only seal the deal and add to your resentment. 

Statistics tell us that 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (Divorce Statistics : Divorce Rate Statistics). Point is, if a couple can't make it the first time their second has even worse odds. 

Marriage doesn’t come with a perforated edge. Determine to stick with it, after all you promised for better or worse. Find out if there is something the two of you need to work on. Fix it, and fall in love again.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Counselling - doesn't always work. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Counselling helps you to identify the 'problem' and helps you address the 'problem'. However, if one party just doesn't see there is a problem or does but doesnt want to address it then you might as well urinate in the wind!!!

My own wife has admitted to our counsellor that she knows we (she) has a problem with sex...and that she knows it is important to me and a marriage...but she just can't (or doesn't want to) do anything about it....because sex is simply unimportant to her and 'she' is all that matters.

Which is why its refreshing to read from Helloonurse, Catherine602 etc because sex doesnt come 'easy' to them but they realise its importance in marriage therefore make the effort...


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> By all means, go to counseling. A third party, especially a professional, can usually help to some extent. But, I don't recommend trying to talk to your wife about sex on your own. You've tried it in the past and it hasn't worked. That usually means it won't work in the future.
> 
> I suggest you stop asking for sex and just start initiating sex. Wives don't want their husbands to ask permission to have sex. You ask permission from your mom, not your wife (but not for sex, hopefully). Be more assertive.


I agree with PHTlump

She said she is horny but nothing happened. This means she told you to lead her since she is horny. Stop complaining ask permission and discussing. Just lead her!


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