# Blue balled



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.

tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.

So I go and get the order all giddy. I get home and she pulls some lingerie out of the bag and says “well do you like it?”

i say yeah of course but I’d have to see it on you to be sure.

She replies with “not tonight though I’m feeling fat” i just wanted to see if my husband still finds me attractive.

i assure her I do…we go to bed and 30 seconds later she is fast asleep and snoring. No kiss, no nothing.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

So what is your question ?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Well, I can understand you feeling disappointed in that there was the flirting with no follow-through. It could seem a little like a cruel tease to you.
On the other hand, my friend, your wife still flirts with you and is sexually playful. That puts you ahead of all those guys in the "Sex in Marriage" section of TAM who are complaining that their wives have no sexual interest any more. You didn't convert the flirt into full out sex tonight, but i would speculate that you are likely to do so in the future.
So look at the glass as being half-full.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wanted to make sure that you found her attractive — nothing was in that about her finding you attractive. Have all those other problems resolved?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Acting like a woman's good little errand boy is not a good way to get sex. I'm surprised she even let you sleep in bed with her after that debacle.

I don't even understand the underlying dynamics here. Why is she ordering a pickup order in the evening that needs to be picked up that night? Is she too disorganized to do that before you got home and have you pick it up on the way? 

Take charge and don't let her waste your time like that again.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


I would be inclined to take care of my needs when she is beside. If I'm noisy enough, she might become aware of what im doing and receive the message of what she has done has resulted in my going my way.

I think that when men respond by going their way, when the wife won't meet their needs, whether it be the bedroom or cooking, it increases the respect factor in the marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So why didn’t you walk right up to her and give her a spanking and bite her ear?

A nice follow up to her comment is the difference between wet balls and blue ones.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


I hope that in the morning without anger and without seeming like you are begging that you tell her at the breakfast table (well away from the bedroom) that the way she treated you was disappointing.

Ask her to put herself in your shoes last night. She teased you and lead you on then fell right asleep. Ask her if continuing that kind of behavior will effectively train or convince you to never run an errand for her ever again? Look her in the eye without talking (or if you must say anything, tell her to answer the question) until she apologizes.

You have an opportunity to be the adult in the room/family. What she did was childish and if she keeps that kind of behavior up, will ultimately hurt her far more than you, assuming she values the marriage.

Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm so glad I don't have to "beg" for sex any more.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


Well if it's that big a deal, then next time show you care and relieve in her hair while she sleeps of the blue!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Seriously, even my wife wouldn't pull a stunt like that but once. She would not be thrilled with my response. I would have woken her up and give her hell. What's to loose, she fell asleep with no intent! No intent meets dissent.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> So why didn’t you walk right up to her and give her a spanking and bite her ear?
> 
> A nice follow up to her comment is the difference between wet balls and blue ones.


I would have said, as I moved in on her, then I am just gonna have to help you with some cardio as I started kissing and undressing her. If she puts up a hard stop, then just look at her and say fine. Then you go do something else you have been wanting to do. Something away from her. Hell go out in the shop and clean/arrange your tools, what ever. 

People are different, but I being one who feels a bond with my wife through sex. Back when she was not as receptive, I became more distant emotionally. I really did not want to be in her presence as much, it was just like pouring salt in the wound. The temperature of our marriage cooled off. I was not as open emotionally, personal protection trait I guess. She can feel the distance growing and starts asking what is wrong.....Nothing....and smile as you go lift weights or do something else away from her.

My wife got to the point she knew there was something seriously wrong and that I was checking out of the marriage, one foot out the door, or as she put it, thought she had already lost me. Which she was right, I was preparing to eject. I will not live with sex 3x a month. To me if my woman does not "want me sexually" then she does not "want me present" so I will take myself elsewhere so she can't "have me present"


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Seems a little odd, but the most important question is "what's the rest of your relationship like"?

I don't understand the whole thing about picking up THAT particular package. It's not as if it's a part for the broken washing machine or a last minute Christmas gift for someone. 

I guess if she's not feeling so sexy, that's fine, women do that stuff, but I am trying to figure out if this was some weird test she's putting you on or ?? 

Bit again if the relationship/sex is otherwise good I'd probably just let it go.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TinyTbone said:


> Well if it's that big a deal, then next time show you care and relieve in her hair while she sleeps of the blue!





TinyTbone said:


> Seriously, even my wife wouldn't pull a stunt like that but once. She would not be thrilled with my response. I would have woken her up and give her hell. What's to loose, she fell asleep with no intent! No intent meets dissent.


What the foxtrot, uniform, Charlie, kilo???!!!

Doing sexual acts upon ones partner, without their consent is rape.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you????!!!!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Personal said:


> What the foxtrot, uniform, Charlie, kilo???!!!
> 
> Doing sexual acts upon ones partner, without their consent is rape.
> 
> Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you????!!!!


Ok, so obviously you think that was serious? I'll sell you ten acres on the dark side of the moon. Really? Really? Sheesh.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Your wife is a bit inconsiderate. My wife would not show me lingerie knowing this would excite me without further action. If she was not in the mood she would tell me softly "I am not in the mood today. Let's look at this lingerie together tomorrow".


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's awful and has no respect for you. 

But you aren't going to leave the relationship. And she knows it. So, it will continue.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Livvie said:


> She's awful and has no respect for you.
> 
> But you aren't going to leave the relationship. And she knows it. So, it will continue.


 did you get all this from this one post , or has the OP posted other posts along this line in the past I am sorry just too lazy to go read all their posts , 

for me judging from just the opening post the wife just bought some knickers , and I am now waiting for some TAM poster to tell him to get a VAR and tape it under her car seat hack her phone file for divorce and move all your money to an off shore account 

IF MY wife bought LINGERIE It would be a first , but when I buy her Lingerie I don't expect her to jump into it there and then i CAN WAIT 
I think the one about blue balls is just joking the op knows it is not a big deal 
but in TAM everything can be twisted into reason for divorce ,


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> She's awful and has no respect for you.
> 
> But you aren't going to leave the relationship. And she knows it. So, it will continue.


Livvie has this right, if you continue to let her treat you badly then she will continue to do so, you're just enabling it.

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly.

My advice for what it's worth is to unbalance her certainties, stop letting her be the centre of your relationship, start going out on your own, just do things differently and let her be uncertain about you.

Let MMSLP & Dead bedroom fix be your guides and as much as I hate the expression "up your sex rank"


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, here is what you do if you're willing to spend around thirty bucks or so on a "prank" albeit a mean one. Whatever high end fashion brand is her favorite for handbag shoes or whatever. Go on ebay and buy a few empty boxes. I don't know, I'm thinking Prada, Chanel, Louis V, Gucci, heck why not even go Hermes it is after all just a box. Once you receive said box and gift bag, put something in it that weighs about what it would have in it normally so that when you pick it up it doesn't feel off. 

Your next step is to really sell it my friend. Why not make it a night out, say kind sweet things about how much she is appreciated the entire evening. When you get back home whip out the surprise gift. Give a speech before hand. Sell it even more. Then when she opens that luxurious high end fashion box to find whatever junk you put in there to weigh it down. She will be very disappointed and maybe even angry. At this point you can tell her that you did all of this to remind her that, "Its the thought that counts". Tell her that you really did think hard about buying the item, and that should really be enough for her. Kiss her on her cheek, tell her you love her and go to bed. If she isn't into fashion a Tiffany's bag and box could also do the trick.

You're welcome, and yes I am literally the most petty human being on this planet.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Let me explain...
It was all about her... she just wanted your affirmation for her ego stroke. You complied like a good beta boy starved for scraps and she was done with you.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Harsh but most likely has an element of truth to it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


Remember, you are the one choosing to continue living like this.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Let me explain...
> It was all about her... she just wanted your affirmation for her ego stroke. You complied like a good beta boy starved for scraps and she was done with you.


Yeah idk I guess to give some back story we have a 1 year old son. We both work full time and we were sitting down for dinner around 7.

she said “I’m going to order a target pickup do you need anything?”

I said nope but the baby could use extra diapers.

i also knew that target orders take up to 2 hours so I said you know it takes up to 2 hours right? She said yeah. I said well did they give you an estimated time? Nope they are gonna text me.

later on I said any updates? She said no but you can get it if you want. I feel like you want to because you keep asking. I said I don’t really care either way but one of us has to put the baby down.

babies bed time came and I got him in his pajamas and said okay say goodnight to mom. She took him and hugged him good night then just looked at me. Then she said “do you want to go to bed with mama?”

she then told me the order was ready and the originally posted line. Saying remember when we first started dating and I bought lingerie? I said sure do. She said I just wanted my at the time bf to find me attractive and now I want my at the time husband to find me attractive.

nevermind an important item, it was Christmas candles and one lingerie top.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah idk I guess to give some back story we have a 1 year old son. We both work full time and we were sitting down for dinner around 7.
> 
> she said “I’m going to order a target pickup do you need anything?”
> 
> ...


Who knows. Maybe it was just a one time rather callous disregard towards you. Happens. Only you know if it's a trend. If not a trend, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Sounds like she was searching for ego kibbles whereas you rightly thought A+B=C. But I will never understand women logic, so I can only scratch my head and guess.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Based on all your threads, you have bigger issues than this — to the point of considering divorce IIRC. Have those issues been resolved?


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> So why didn’t you walk right up to her and give her a spanking and bite her ear? A nice follow up to her comment is the difference between wet balls and blue ones.


 Or no balls


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Based on all your threads, you have bigger issues than this — to the point of considering divorce IIRC. Have those issues been resolved?


For her? Sure. For me…not so much. I am still nervous to fully recommit and open myself to her. She notices it and has said that she feels like she has tried everything but will have to “wave the white flag if I don’t let down my walls”

i read in her journal that she feels she “can’t control how I feel about her” and will give it till after the holidays but doesn’t see anything getting better if I can’t forgive.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> For her? Sure. For me…not so much. I am still nervous to fully recommit and open myself to her. She notices it and has said that she feels like she has tried everything but will have to “wave the white flag if I don’t let down my walls”
> 
> i read in her journal that she feels she “can’t control how I feel about her” and will give it till after the holidays but doesn’t see anything getting better if I can’t forgive.


But where are YOU in this whole process...?? You are still not sure...can you define what it will take to help you get to the place of trusting her and recommitting and opening yourself to her?

You certainly are not having a healthy, loving relationship, so I'm not sure why you are still with her if things haven't improved FOR YOU...


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> But where are YOU in this whole process...?? You are still not sure...can you define what it will take to help you get to the place of trusting her and recommitting and opening yourself to her?
> 
> You certainly are not having a healthy, loving relationship, so I'm not sure why you are still with her if things haven't improved FOR YOU...


I’m not entirely sure what it will take. Part of me lost a lot of respect for her in all of this and it’s tough to recommit to someone I feel is selfish and manipulative.

I’m also trying to regain some of my own self respect and change how I am in the relationship at the same time. Sometimes I struggle with my natural reaction which has led me to getting taken advantage of and trying to stand firm without being a ****.

feels like I’m a barrier to my own happiness at times because I struggle to let go and I’ll blame myself for the state of the relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@FloridaPool scanning your earlier 5 threads, seems your “wife” had at least emotional attachment to her ex and at least one other man. It sounds like this remains unresolved, and at least from her journal sounds like after the holidays she plans to leave.

The lingerie fiasco shows she enjoys making you miserable. And is succeeding. Wouldn't you be happier with her fully in your rearview mirror?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @FloridaPool scanning your earlier 5 threads, seems your “wife” had at least emotional attachment to her ex and at least one other man. It sounds like this remains unresolved, and at least from her journal sounds like after the holidays she plans to leave.
> 
> The lingerie fiasco shows she enjoys making you miserable. And is succeeding. Wouldn't you be happier with her fully in your rearview mirror?


The ex I would say yes. As for the doctor in her office idk what that was. All I got out of it was that it was “girl talk” and that she didn’t mean it but she acknowledged he’s an attractive guy and she can understand how the message would upset me.

Part of me struggles because she tries to apologize for those things and pin in it on me saying “I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to change and you’re refusing to see it so I can’t stay where I’m not feeling loved.”

or she will accuse me of having a girlfriend and say that’s why I’m guarded. I took off work the other day and she admitted that she was listening to the baby monitor from work to see if I had any women over.

she just truly can’t seem to put 2+2 together and just says that we don’t talk anymore and how we used to have no trouble connecting before we had a baby.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> The ex I would say yes. As for the doctor in her office idk what that was. All I got out of it was that it was “girl talk” and that she didn’t mean it but she acknowledged he’s an attractive guy and she can understand how the message would upset me.
> 
> Part of me struggles because she tries to apologize for those things and pin in it on me saying “I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to change and you’re refusing to see it so I can’t stay where I’m not feeling loved.”
> 
> ...


Spouse who accuse the other of having an affair are generally projecting what they are doing.

Do the hard 180 and file for divorce. Take her to her "love" hand her to him and say congrats....she's yours now....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, so you read her journal to see what she's thinking, and she listens on the baby monitor to see what you're up to.

Do you see what is fundamentally wrong with this picture?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, so you read her journal to see what she's thinking, and she listens on the baby monitor to see what you're up to.
> 
> Do you see what is fundamentally wrong with this picture?


As Led Zeppelin would say…communication breakdown!

i told her what I was up to as I took the day off to clean the house because we were hosting my friends for thanksgiving and she was going to be busy cooking. I figured I was helping and didn’t expect to get spied on.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Spouse who accuse the other of having an affair are generally projecting what they are doing.
> 
> Do the hard 180 and file for divorce. Take her to her "love" hand her to him and say congrats....she's yours now....


I feel as if a big part of it is insecurity. She feels me detaching and needs a scapegoat because she feels she is doing everything right so I must be cheating.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What I'm getting at is this isn't how adults who love each other behave. Honesty. Transparency. No speculating/second guessing/assuming.

Frankly, your marriage sounds awful to me. She thinks you're wrong. You think she's wrong. It's a no-win situation as long as both parties are sneaking around and then trying to defend their behaviors.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

@FloridaPool , I read through your other posts. You are all over the place.

You and her need to have a brutally honest and clear discussion.

This kind of behavior on both of your parts, is not conducive to a happy marriage or household to raise a child in.

Read what @Prodigal wrote, she is right on the money.

Even when my wife and I were 20 & 19, did we did not act like this.

You both should probably get full medical checkups. Honestly, from just reading, you both are acting like emotionally stunted teenagers.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


Whoa Nellie! You got played. Not cool.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Well, I don't think this issue with the Target run and her behavior afterward is a big deal by itself, but... Man your other posts really show that she doesn't get it. 

You are clearly trying everything you can do make this marriage work, and she just doesn't care to or can't fix herself. I think there might be some sort of psych issue going on, but if she won't see a counselor or stay on prescribed meds there isn't much you can do. With all you are doing around the house and for your son, plus holding down FT and PT jobs, being on your own with him will probably be easier for you than it is with her around.

And she says if you split she wants your to have primary custody? This might be the first time I've see this from a woman, except for a few who are trying to monkey branch to another man and don't want the kid interfering with that. I don't think she's doing that, but it's really strange and concerning behavior. Her lack of maternal instinct and lack of patience with your son is a major concern.

You need IC to help you decide what you are going to do here... MC doesn't seem to be doing much, it really appears she can't change her stripes. *Get out now before this gets worse*. You are young and will find someone who will treat you and your son the way you deserve. Good luck.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


Put a VAR in her car, check her phone history and have her followed by a private investigator. And never ever ever, go to target for her again. 

And also next time she says she's "feeling fat" respond (somewhat under your breath) "you're not just feeling it". Then turn around and run as fast as you can, like really fast.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think your idea, some time ago, of divorce wasn’t a bad one.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Put a VAR in her car, check her phone history and have her followed by a private investigator. And never ever ever, go to target for her again.
> 
> And also next time she says she's "feeling fat" respond (somewhat under your breath) "you're not just feeling it". Then turn around and run as fast as you can, like really fast.


Well that escalated quickly LOL


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Well, I don't think this issue with the Target run and her behavior afterward is a big deal by itself, but... Man your other posts really show that she doesn't get it.
> 
> You are clearly trying everything you can do make this marriage work, and she just doesn't care to or can't fix herself. I think there might be some sort of psych issue going on, but if she won't see a counselor or stay on prescribed meds there isn't much you can do. With all you are doing around the house and for your son, plus holding down FT and PT jobs, being on your own with him will probably be easier for you than it is with her around.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your sentiment. I really feel like I have been trying and now I’m just feeling burnt out and she flips it on me saying she has to leave because I’m not seeing her change or opening up anymore.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FloridaPool said:


> Well that escalated quickly LOL


Honestly this is a toxic thing some women do. Use the promise of something sexual to manipulate a man. Men do the same in different ways. It is a bad thing in a relationship, because over time if this becomes a common dynamic it builds resentment, and resentment is a marriage killer.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m not entirely sure what it will take. Part of me lost a lot of respect for her in all of this and it’s tough to recommit to someone I feel is selfish and manipulative.
> 
> I’m also trying to regain some of my own self respect and change how I am in the relationship at the same time. Sometimes I struggle with my natural reaction which has led me to getting taken advantage of and trying to stand firm without being a ****.
> 
> feels like I’m a barrier to my own happiness at times because I struggle to let go and I’ll blame myself for the state of the relationship.


It's okay to be a ****, as long as it is standing for what matters to you.

This is also known as self respect, without which there will be no respect towards you from your partner. 

Fix yourself first. When that happens, you will KNOW whether it is time to lean in, or move on. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> The ex I would say yes. As for the doctor in her office idk what that was. All I got out of it was that it was “girl talk” and that she didn’t mean it but she acknowledged he’s an attractive guy and she can understand how the message would upset me.
> 
> Part of me struggles because she tries to apologize for those things and pin in it on me saying “I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to change and you’re refusing to see it so I can’t stay where I’m not feeling loved.”
> 
> ...


That's because she is only 50% the problem. Expecting her to be 100% of the solution isn't fair to her, no matter how manipulative she may be. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Thanks for your sentiment. I really feel like I have been trying and now I’m just feeling burnt out and she flips it on me saying she has to leave because I’m not seeing her change or opening up anymore.


In an earlier response, you noted that your wife said she was doing "All she can."
What would the roster of "All she can" entail, besides a Target "Bait and Switch"?
If you are going to get relief from this situation, you are going to be the one to make it happen.
You start this process by standing in front of a mirror and yelling "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
If the wife hears you, so what?
Study up on and implement the 180. 
Let that fester a bit. See if that gets a notice, a hearing, or another dose or two of "All she can."
While the "All she can" oozes throughout your domicile, Get your s**t sorted, and find a really toothy attorney.
Still plenty of time to have divorce papers underneath the tree for the holidays if you get started now!
You have to decide whether or not you want to fix your marriage, but sometimes you have to break it wide open to determine whether or not it is even feasible.
Put her on defense and see what her response is. Only then will you really know who or what she really is, or if there is anything there to save.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> In an earlier response, you noted that your wife said she was doing "All she can."
> What would the roster of "All she can" entail, besides a Target "Bait and Switch"?
> If you are going to get relief from this situation, you are going to be the one to make it happen.
> You start this process by standing in front of a mirror and yelling "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
> ...


So she would tell you what she told me…

she tried to help keep the house clean when I said it bugged me that I was the only one doing all the work. She started helping me with finding child care when I said it was all on me. She tried to talk to me and spend time with me but I’m distant.

She also told me that she kept going to MC for me even though she didn’t think it was helpful and she hated hearing areas she needed to improve on.

she claims she is working on her being reactive and being more supportive but I just don’t see it translating as she is no longer seeing a therapist or doing anything for herself despite my encouragement.

her belief remains that I am holding us back by not being accepting and “letting down my walls” in response to the changes she is making.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, so this may seem petty but I’m a bit annoyed by it.
> 
> tonight my wife placed a pick up order from target and asked me to go pick it up after dinner. She said“if you go get it I’ll show you a little something extra I ordered” with a wink.
> 
> ...


If you wanted to be petty, you can get her back for that. Just give her a nice massage and leave her hangin like she did you, then when she says something, tell her that you felt the same way the othe night.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> The ex I would say yes. As for the doctor in her office idk what that was. All I got out of it was that it was “girl talk” and that she didn’t mean it but she acknowledged he’s an attractive guy and she can understand how the message would upset me.
> 
> Part of me struggles because she tries to apologize for those things and pin in it on me saying “I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to change and you’re refusing to see it so I can’t stay where I’m not feeling loved.”
> 
> ...


wonder if she found out about the lady from your office...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FloridaPool said:


> So she would tell you what she told me…
> 
> she tried to help keep the house clean when I said it bugged me that I was the only one doing all the work. She started helping me with finding child care when I said it was all on me. She tried to talk to me and spend time with me but I’m distant.
> 
> ...


Not much to work with there.
Tell her that even though a broken washing machine tries hard to work, the net result is still a broken washing machine and lots of dirty laundry.
Take charge. It's hardball time.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> Not much to work with there.
> Tell her that even though a broken washing machine tries hard to work, the net result is still a broken washing machine and lots of dirty laundry.
> Take charge. It's hardball time.


Yeah I kinda saw those as bare minimum things. Like okay he’s your son too, you also live here…I’m not going to be excited that I had to beg you to step up and be part of this partnership.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

With all the game playing and passive-aggressive behavior going on in your marriage, it doesn't sound like it's working.

Why not just pull the plug?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> With all the game playing and passive-aggressive behavior going on in your marriage, it doesn't sound like it's working.
> 
> Why not just pull the plug?


I’m scared of not seeing my son every day. I’m afraid she will move away with him as she has always wanted to live down south and I want to stay near family.

I’m scared of some other man being in my son’s life.

i hate the idea of being a failure at marriage after my parents divorce I had always promised myself I’d do better for my child.

On the outside all of our friends and family see us as the perfect couple. It will be a shock to everyone I’m sure.

which maybe we were when we were younger and I spoiled her. But now I want a family and a partner and she can’t seem to adjust.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Perfectly understandable that you want to be a part of your son's daily life. So you have to suck it up and just deal with your wife. I will tell you this: kids are extremely perceptive. You may be able to fool family and friends, but your child is going to pick up on the dysfunction sooner rather than later.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Perfectly understandable that you want to be a part of your son's daily life. So you have to suck it up and just deal with your wife. I will tell you this: kids are extremely perceptive. You may be able to fool family and friends, but your child is going to pick up on the dysfunction sooner rather than later.


Yeah which makes me think as hard as it might be he might be better off with two happy parents in separate households.

much better than seeing a miserable who is just sucking it up to deal with his mom.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m scared of not seeing my son every day. I’m afraid she will move away with him as she has always wanted to live down south and I want to stay near family.


Talk with a lawyer, it's almost certain that you don't need to worry about this. If you get joint custody, she won't be able to relocate your child without your agreement. Check with your lawyer to make sure, but that's generally the way it works.

And you are right about it being best for your son to live in two happy households, rather than in one unhappy one. You are miserable, so is your WW, and your son sees that. If this is the best your WW can do, then you best bet for your and your son is to file and move on. Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She offered to let you have custody so I don’t think that would be an issue.

ETA: You want another child. She might agree in order to keep you but there’s no reason to think she’ll be a better parent with a second one.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> She offered to let you have custody so I don’t think that would be an issue.


Sounded to me like she just wants to be single without responsibility of child or husband. Would be surprised if she didn’t already have an AP. Highly unusual for a mother to give up custody of her child. Don’t have anymore kids with her. She isnt mother material


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m afraid she will move away with him as she has always wanted to live down south and I want to stay near family.


That is why you be quick on the draw to file, get the divorce established in your jurisdiction before she has time to move back and get residency established in another state. That way you can force residential area. 

Record all that happens with child. Time spent, her not dealing with childcare, etc. Times and dates. Timelines like journals tend to be admissable in court. You may be able to get primary residential custody.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

UAArchangel said:


> I would be inclined to take care of my needs when she is beside. If I'm noisy enough, she might become aware of what im doing and receive the message of what she has done has resulted in my going my way.
> 
> I think that when men respond by going their way, when the wife won't meet their needs, whether it be the bedroom or cooking, it increases the respect factor in the marriage.


Masturbating in the bed beside one’s wife is not going to gain their respect. Putting them down the road when they treat you like **** and getting a new woman that treats you right gains their respect. No man should have to jump through hoops for sex and certainly not have to earn the respect of his own wife.

btw, if she’s not wearing the lingerie for you, OP, and trying to seduce you with it, who do you think she got it for? It wasn’t for you. And honestly, she cares what every other man in the planet thinks, but not you. Hell, she already got you to marry her! You’re old hat. Sorry.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Masturbating in the bed beside one’s wife is not going to gain their respect. Putting them down the road when they treat you like **** and getting a new woman that treats you right gains their respect. No man should have to jump through hoops for sex and certainly not have to earn the respect of his own wife.


It may not gain me respect from her, but I've learned that there is no point in attempt to regain respect, once lost. The message I would be sending is that I don't need her and she can do with that as she wills. If she doesn't get the message, than moving on is the next step.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Divinely Favored said:


> I would have said, as I moved in on her, then I am just gonna have to help you with some cardio as I started kissing and undressing her. If she puts up a hard stop, then just look at her and say fine. Then you go do something else you have been wanting to do. Something away from her. Hell go out in the shop and clean/arrange your tools, what ever.
> 
> People are different, but I being one who feels a bond with my wife through sex. Back when she was not as receptive, I became more distant emotionally. I really did not want to be in her presence as much, it was just like pouring salt in the wound. The temperature of our marriage cooled off. I was not as open emotionally, personal protection trait I guess. She can feel the distance growing and starts asking what is wrong.....Nothing....and smile as you go lift weights or do something else away from her.
> 
> My wife got to the point she knew there was something seriously wrong and that I was checking out of the marriage, one foot out the door, or as she put it, thought she had already lost me. Which she was right, I was preparing to eject. I will not live with sex 3x a month. To me if my woman does not "want me sexually" then she does not "want me present" so I will take myself elsewhere so she can't "have me present"


This!

It depends in your particular situation. But if sex routinely isn't good enough or often enough, but she's getting her needs met at your expense? That's not okay.

The lingerie is meh until it's actually used. She can go run her own errands or Instacart it. Your effort, enthusiasm, regard for the needs of the other will match hers.


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