# Dating & sex - When to DO it



## Jellybeans

So we're all new to this single thing after being married and getting (or on our way) to get divorced.

So... for those of you who have begun dating...

How long is a reasonable time to wait before having sex with the person you are seeing/dating? 

I know there aren't timetables and everyone's different. I just want to know all your different responses.


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## Almostrecovered

after you tip the bellhop


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## Jellybeans

Good one, AR!


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## Shooboomafoo

I think I would want exclusivity. I would not be comfortable being "dude number 5" for the week. I'd hope she was free of STD's, but would I insist on screens for both of us? 

Of course, all this could be just me "saying so", as I have not been stuck in the back of a car with Kate Beckinsale trying to pull my clothes off. 

At this point, I am afraid primal need would dismiss all concerns.


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## wiigirl

3-5 dates for me....but its hard for a guy to get that far usually. 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frigginlost

Jellybeans said:


> So we're all new to this single thing after being married and getting (or on our way) to get divorced.
> 
> So... for those of you who have begun dating...
> 
> How long is a reasonable time to wait before having sex with the person you are seeing/dating?
> 
> I know there aren't timetables and everyone's different. I just want to know all your different responses.


When you find out let me know. It's been long enough for me, that when I enter somones house, the damn fish stop swimming, and the dog and cat bolt.


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## Cosmos

For me it would be when the relationship has become exclusive.


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## Jellybeans

Shooboomafoo said:


> I think I would want exclusivity.





Cosmos said:


> For me it would be when the relationship has become exclusive.


When dating, when do you think the "exclusivity" topic should come up?


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## Cosmos

Jellybeans said:


> When dating, when do you think the "exclusivity" topic should come up?


I've never actually had an exclusivity talk, but I guess it should be around the time you're thinking of sleeping with one another. I've never been into casual sex and wouldn't sleep with someone who was.


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## CLucas976

an even simpler answer, when you're comfortable with the idea of being seen naked by said person. 

I know exhubs and I had sex too soon, we were half dressed, and the next day it was this huge awkward situation about taking a shower together. ha, kind of funny really. "like, uh, did you want to take a shower with me?" I think we made only eye contact the entire shower lol.


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## Lon

Asap

(huh, it won't let me do CAPS I guess I'm not allowed to yell it)


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## Jellybeans

CLucas976 said:


> I know exhubs and I had sex too soon, we were half dressed, and the next day it was this huge awkward situation about taking a shower together. ha, kind of funny really. "like, uh, did you want to take a shower with me?" I think we made only eye contact the entire shower lol.


Hilarious. When did you guys have "the talk?" How soon did you guys sleep together?


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## mr.smith

I'll bite.

For me, it didn't take too long. I just needed to "dive back in" the game, so-to-speak. After being out of the dating scene for some time(9+ years), I really wasn't sure what to make out of it. I was told I waited longer than most(1 year) to start dating. The sex didn't come into play till a couple of weeks after meeting up. 

I've known my current "distraction" for some time now, which makes it a bit easier for the transition- I felt "safe." I think meeting some random person poses different obstacles. I also believe it's a bit different for men and women. I think women tend to attach emotions with sex, so it's a bit more complex in that sense. 

I guess it's what you, as well as _who_ you're comfortable with.....there is no timetable.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

for me, i dont casual date or have casual sex, i need a connection to have sex with somebody.

i make it known up front i only do exclusive and i expect the same from her.
i am looking for the one to be with from now on and i dont think you can really get to know somebody if you are juggling 2 or 3 or more people.
i let them know that at any time after we start talking with the intent to date they or i are free to move on if either dont feel something soon heading in the direction i or they want and honesty is best as soon as possible about that.

as far as when to DO IT, i think just when you both feel very comfortable about it.


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## Mavash.

Jellybeans said:


> When dating, when do you think the "exclusivity" topic should come up?


I don't rely on words anymore I'd be more concerned with what they DO. A recently divorced friend of mine is dating again. Her boyfriend keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship and yet every move he makes SCREAMS he's over the moon in love with her. 

Oh yeah it's exclusive.


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## WomanScorned

I waited until several dates in, about a month into the relationship. We were exclusive at that point. I didn't wait as long as I probably should have, but I was attracted to him, and I wanted to see what it was all about with someone different than the ex. I had never been with another guy. It was awesome.....not sorry I didn't wait.


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## kenken

i havent been on a divorce tho,but ive been to a lot of very long relationships,6 years ,5 years,3 years.but i guess to do it depends on how much you like the guy yeah?or how much you needed it at that moment.


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## Shooboomafoo

I like WomanScorned answer. I guess thats the way I'd like it to be with me. History would not support that, as the ex and I went at it quite immediately. I think I somehow said to myself "look!!!, a woman that will DO me!!!" so I married her.


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## BeachGuy

What is this "sex" thing you all speak of????


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

When you both feel like it and you're not going to be all off-center if you do. I mean, exposing oneself to being vulnerable is great, but if you're not going to be comfortable with the emotional changes that come with sex (and there are always emotional changes) then it's not time to have sex. It means what it means when you are engaged in the activity, and should be a reflection of a relationship, not necessarily something that's going to shape it or distort it, but maybe improve it. In my book, it's a form of bonding, but it's no more or less important, say, than any other form of bonding that goes on in a relationship, including conflict management (which can actually be more intimate than sex, at times...) Anyway, there is a time for having sex but it's felt, not defined. It's when it holds its own place in the relationship but doesn't crowd out everything else. 

Then there are people who date and don't want a relationship. In that case, just get it on, since that's the purpose. lol. And don't worry if it's in context, because under those circumstances, it is.


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## ScarletBegonias

I didn't wait as long as I probably should have.I was horny and i wanted to get laid.After my D i started reconnecting with old friends and came across a guy i had forgotten about from my teen years.He was so sexy and awesome he nearly melted my thong with his smile.
It helped that he wasn't a player and was too shy to really even hit on anyone 

We went out on 3 dates before i couldn't stand it anymore.

don't judge me


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## Almostrecovered

Harlot!!


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> He was so sexy and awesome he nearly melted my thong with his smile.




Yeowza!


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## Matt1720

i think i may be with scarlet on this one, as soon as possible LOL


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## Husbandinneed92

I'm currently 5 weeks since separation from a very abusive stbxw. She was also cheating and is now with the other guy. Before I found that out I would never think of being with someone else, and would stay faithful until she came back.

However, right now I just want to be with someone else so the last person "with" me isn't the horrible, vapid, parasitic, person that my ex is.
I think it varies by situation, but I have a friend who has been crushing on me since high school who's willing for a little R&R


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'm intrigued by folks who are wanting it and go out looking for it. For me, everything gets turned off when it's not available...and then, IF I come across someone who is attractive to me which is very rarely, THEN the switch goes on and I'm all for it. It's a particular person that activates the desire, vs. the desire causing me to go out and find someone who will meet criteria (i.e. has the right body parts, doesn't smell...?) 

I'm interested in knowing more about having the need first and then going out looking...so how does that work...do some people start or maintain relationships on account of having a sex partner because they had a need for sex with someone? And then how does it go after that? 

I'm more into the relationship side of things, and then have the desire...which is not to say it's diminished in any way lol, however the converse works, if the relationship falls apart, such as did with my ex on account of his lying and cheating, the desire goes away, and then there is no point in staying in the relationship.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My first husband I didn't wait very long. I ended up pregnant within the first month of meeting and our marriage was a disaster. My second marriage, I learned my lesson and I did wait. This really helped us build a great foundation of friendship. We have a beautiful and fabulous marriage. We had many fun active dates. We even went snow skiing for a weekend along Lake Superior. It was beautiful! 

With each relationship it's different. It depends on your beliefs. If your fine with sex before marriage, you'll know when the right time is with the one your dating. Usually the first date is a bit soon, but there really is no time limit.


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## Husbandinneed92

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My first husband I didn't wait very long. I ended up pregnant within the first month of meeting and our marriage was a disaster. My second marriage, I learned my lesson and I did wait. This really helped us build a great foundation of friendship. We have a beautiful and fabulous marriage. We had many fun active dates. We even went snow skiing for a weekend along Lake Superior. It was beautiful!
> 
> With each relationship it's different. It depends on your beliefs. If your fine with sex before marriage, you'll know when the right time is with the one your dating. Usually the first date is a bit soon, but there really is no time limit.


I had sex on the 4th date I think with my stbxw. We played it safe and she only got pregnant before she left. She since miscarried (largely due to her drinking and partying like she wasn't pregnant) which I suppose is for the better 

Anyway, moving on!
I never really believed in sex before marriage, but I had a shaky childhood which led to me having no boundaries. So basically, if the girl wanted it, I'd do it. Your mileage may vary, but that's how it was for me.
This time 'round I'd rather make sure that she's the one I want to be with before I commit my body to her. Well that's a lie as right now I just want to be with someone, but a guy can dream, right?


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## Caribbean Man

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My first husband I didn't wait very long. I ended up pregnant within the first month of meeting and our marriage was a disaster. My second marriage, I learned my lesson and I did wait. This really helped us build a great foundation of friendship. We have a beautiful and fabulous marriage. We had many fun active dates. We even went snow skiing for a weekend along Lake Superior. It was beautiful!
> 
> *With each relationship it's different. It depends on your beliefs. If your fine with sex before marriage, you'll know when the right time is with the one your dating. Usually the first date is a bit soon, but there really is no time limit*.


:iagree:

I read this thread just out of curiosity and I like this answer best!

I really think that with recently divorced people , if the road to divorce was long ,bitter and sexless , then one cannot judge such a person, especially if they chose a bit of casual sex.It depends on the background.
Pretty much the same with a person who had a close emotional bond with their former spouse.They would most likely be more willing to wait.

One set of rules cannot apply to all, as a matter of fact,should there really be any such " sex " rule?


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## Jellybeans

madaboutlove said:


> wow, Jelly, I am just glad that you are asking about it.


I am feeling better and better these days.  



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My second marriage, I learned my lesson and I did wait. This really helped us build a great foundation of friendship.


How long did you guys wait to have sex?



Caribbean Man said:


> One set of rules cannot apply to all, as a matter of fact,should there really be any such " sex " rule?


Well, exactly. That is why I asked. Cause I wanted to hear all of the different opinions on this subject.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Until the ring was on my finger. We both have a high drive too! My drive is so much higher now then ever. It's actually driving me nuts and it's been this way for over a year. Our friendship level is very strong too. We are each others truest best friend.

The intimacy has actually brought our marriage to a deeper level as men connect deeper with sex.. Now I want it several times a day! Some days I get very lucky!


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## Emerald

3rd date.

It had been 4 yrs. (no sex); married for 22 yrs; divorced 1 yr.

Wanted some strange.

That being said, fell in lust with "Mr. 3rd" date on 1st date so my rationale mind would never have sex that soon.

We are now married


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## Matt1720

as someone who feels anxiety over being overly happy, overanalyzes and reads way too much into things, i think it would be good if i let nature take care of my self serving interests for once. just remember to wrap it up


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## Caribbean Man

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> *Until the ring was on my finger.* We both have a high drive too! My drive is so much higher now then ever. It's actually driving me nuts and it's been this way for over a year. Our friendship level is very strong too. We are each others truest best friend.
> 
> The intimacy has actually brought our marriage to a deeper level as men connect deeper with sex.. Now I want it several times a day! Some days I get very lucky!


My wife made me wait until we were married too.

Before I met her , I had plenty casual sex. I had a reputation....
She had her values , and I respected them.
I think the sacrifice paid off pretty well,

17 years later we are still married the sex has never been stale.


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## hunter411

As soon as she is fully inflated!


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## Matt1720

Carribean Man, just noticed your sig...Tim Taylor from Home Improvement comes to mind, quoting Wilson.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Matt1720 said:


> as someone who feels anxiety over being overly happy, overanalyzes and reads way too much into things, i think it would be good if i let nature take care of my self serving interests for once. just remember to wrap it up


As long as you completely erase any expectations from your mind, I think you owe it to yourself. No overthinking, if you get the opportunity and you feel like it, discuss the no expectation thing, make sure it's mutual and have at it. (Wrapped.)


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## In_The_Wind

For myself i would like to have a connection prior to sex, like do i actually like this person? could i see myself them? etc and do they test negative ? but thats me


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## SimplyAmorous

I would basically have a hell of a time if I was single ... cause I would be dying for it --but I believe my morals would stop me.... then on top of this...I am not shy talking about Sex....and I LOVE LOVE LOVE to flirt........I would likely tease the living hell out of the man.....making myself a furious "D**k Tease"... 

But yet... I would refuse to be used, I am sooooooo against casual sex. I know if I gave myself to a man, yes, even in midlife...and he just threw it away, I would be devestated. We'd do other things for sure...for awhile.... but intercourse would surely wait for some sign that He only wants ME....exclusivity...."security" in the relationship. 

It is a blessing I am married, not sure I could handle the sexual frustration of being single and looking for Mr. Right .


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## WomanScorned

Interesting the number of married folks posting on this thread in a divorce forum. Just noticing. :scratchhead: Very interesting!


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## Coffee Amore

WomanScorned said:


> Interesting the number of married folks posting on this thread in a divorce forum. Just noticing. :scratchhead: Very interesting!


It happens. It's an open public message board. Men here post on the Ladies Lounge. The women in the Men's Clubhouse. People who haven't had infidelity in their relationships sometimes post in Coping with Infidelity. In fact, there's a poster who posts in CWI even though the poster isn't married and has never had sex. It takes all kinds to make up a board like this....


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## SimplyAmorous

WomanScorned said:


> Interesting the number of married folks posting on this thread in a divorce forum. Just noticing. :scratchhead: Very interesting!


I entertain all sorts of questions throughout my life- just seems to be my nature....I've always been this way (my husband tells me I worry too much)... any situation I hear.... I think to myself...How would *I* handle this...the "WHAT IF's" of life.... It is all speculation anyway until I found myself there. 

When I seen this quesiton, I was curious to read answers -feeling it shows the sexual climate of our society in effect...(what is the norm).....I tend to be a little older fashioned (not exactly popular) & wanted to see how many others held a similar view....then I noticed one of my TAM friends who is married gave an answer, so I thought, I might as well throw mine on there too! 

So that is my explanation, but true, I rarely peek my head in here. Sometimes a question just catches your eye.


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## CLucas976

Jellybeans said:


> Hilarious. When did you guys have "the talk?" How soon did you guys sleep together?


well, we never talked about anything. We spent mass amounts of time together, arrived at a "couple" status, and about a week later were going at it like rabbits. Then a week or two weeks after that I moved in. (in my own defense, I was suddenly homeless)

I don't think I have yet to encounter a relationship where we talked about things ahead of time  so I'm not even fully sure what "the talk" means to be honest..


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## In_The_Wind

WomanScorned said:


> Interesting the number of married folks posting on this thread in a divorce forum. Just noticing. :scratchhead: Very interesting!


Although I have currently been married for the last 12 years I did go through a divorce and have some experience in this area just sayin


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## Cosmos

WomanScorned said:


> Interesting the number of married folks posting on this thread in a divorce forum. Just noticing. :scratchhead: Very interesting!


Because people are married, it doesn't mean they haven't experienced divorce in the past. It can be of great benefit, IMO, for those who have been through it to share their experiences with others.


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## Matt1720

Coffee Amore said:


> It happens. It's an open public message board. Men here post on the Ladies Lounge. The women in the Men's Clubhouse. *People who haven't had infidelity in their relationships sometimes post in Coping with Infidelity. * In fact, there's a poster who posts in CWI even though the poster isn't married and has never had sex. It takes all kinds to make up a board like this....


Or people who don't want to "Cope" (in terms of R) they want the WS OUT. As long as its helping, go for it!


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## vi_bride04

Good thread for me to read today...was just thinking about this topic for a few days.

I don't know when I will be ready to date or in a relationship. Today, this second, I feel it will be quite some time. I am in the process of dating myself first...I'm finding out I'm pretty awesome and any guy will be lucky to have me some day (sorry STBXH!!)  

But in all seriousness, I know I want more than casual sex (been there done that in my younger days) and want a quality relationship with someone I can call my best friend. And quality doesn't come cheap or easy


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> But in all seriousness, I know I want more than casual sex (been there done that in my younger days) and want a quality relationship with someone I can call my best friend. And quality doesn't come cheap or easy


That's good stuff. This is how I feel, too. The first thing is knowing what you want. So when you do start dating, if you start liking someone and catching feelings, make sure you express this to them so they know where your head is at. And never compromise your boundaries.


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## Mamatomany

Jellybeans said:


> That's good stuff. This is how I feel, too. The first thing is knowing what you want. So when you do start dating, if you start liking someone and catching feelings, make sure you express this to them so they know where your head is at. And never compromise your boundaries.


I guess I am warped... I am all over the place w/ this. I have a very high drive and it really depends on the chemistry and the guy. I have met several who just want to be fwb, and I do know that's not what I want. But I have 'put out' on the first date, sometimes that first real date is after talking for 60 hrs on the phone w/ thousands of texts... so it doesn't feel like a first date in the traditional sense. I am a mature woman and I like sex... what can I say?? I am reading and readjusting my ideas if the current interests don't pan out... 

I have had the exclusive talk before and it was a guy who brought it up. He wanted it to be exclusive. He didn't do casual sex. So we agreed. After we 'broke up' he invited a friend and I out for an art show, we went back to his place for a drink and he wanted a threesome!! This from a man who doesn't do casual sex. Whatever! Btw he was disappointed.


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## Jellybeans

Mamatomany said:


> I am a mature woman and I like sex... what can I say?? I am reading and readjusting my ideas if the current interests don't pan out...


Well the thing is, you have to do what YOU want to do. Not everyone wants the same things. SOme people do want something casual, FWB, some want a relationship. No two people are the same. So do what feels right for you, as long as you're comfortable. 



Mamatomany said:


> I have had the exclusive talk before and it was a guy who brought it up. He wanted it to be exclusive. He didn't do casual sex. So we agreed. After we 'broke up' he invited a friend and I out for an art show, we went back to his place for a drink and he wanted a threesome!! This from a man who doesn't do casual sex. Whatever! Btw he was disappointed.


Oh man! But just think, it's better you found out sooner than later. All dating is an experience. Some experiences are good and some are nutty like that one. Lol. 

I was hanging out with this 1 guy a bit and it was clear he was into me. I told him I didn't want "labels" ("dating") cause I was still ya know, healing from my divorce. He told me very honestly one day that he was monogamous and wanted more and I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. After that I steered clear of dudes altogether for a loooong time. It just made me realize I was not at all ready to date. Was a good learning experience. I ran into him w hie out havin drinks with some friends and he was clearly buzzing and went into this speech in front of several people (including me) about how I set the standard for the women he wants to date and how he has never met anyone like me, how I was special, etc. It was very flattering but I felt a little embarassed. I didn't know I'd left such an impression.


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## Mamatomany

I bought the book, "Getting Naked Again" I am reading it this weekend. I will let you all know if it's worth it. It's about re-entering the dating world etc. I have re-entered it, but my navigation is questionable. I have not been able to stick to one person (I was hoping to by Aug 1st) now I am just letting things play out.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah definitely let me know if you find an jewels o wisdom in that book


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## Awakening2012

Exclusivity talk would come when they start wanting to have sex. Discussion would go something like, "Wow, I feel very attracted to you, too, and am really enjoying getting to know you. However, I am the type of person who bonds romantically through intimacy, so I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committment of exclusivity." Then the guy will either offer/suggest/agree to exclusivity, or will back off, in which case you dodged a bullet


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## Readytogo

Shooboomafoo said:


> I think I would want exclusivity. I would not be comfortable being "dude number 5" for the week. I'd hope she was free of STD's, but would I insist on screens for both of us?
> 
> Of course, all this could be just me "saying so", as I have not been stuck in the back of a car with Kate Beckinsale trying to pull my clothes off.
> 
> At this point, I am afraid primal need would dismiss all concerns.


What if she told you she had herpes? Then what?
And when would be the right time to tell someone of herpes? First date, second date? When you have a discussion of exclusiveness?


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## cloudwithleggs

Awakening2012 said:


> Exclusivity talk would come when they start wanting to have sex. Discussion would go something like, "Wow, I feel very attracted to you, too, and am really enjoying getting to know you. However, I am the type of person who bonds romantically through intimacy, so I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committment of exclusivity." Then the guy will either offer/suggest/agree to exclusivity, or will back off, in which case you dodged a bullet


Or they'll just lie to get into your knickers, do you want to get into their pants is the question.


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## Jellybeans

Forgot all about this thread I started!

I feel like I am never going to have sex again. 

I am getting so sexually frustrated but don't want to just have casual sex with anyone. Grrr. I wonder if I will ever get laid again!


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## Deejo

You know what? I'm not a casual sex guy either.

I've had it. I just don't think of it as casual.

Have the damn sex Jellybeans.

And ... I did have someone tell me they had herpes on the first date. I admired her being forthright.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Forgot all about this thread I started!
> 
> I feel like I am never going to have sex again.
> 
> I am getting so sexually frustrated but don't want to just have casual sex with anyone. Grrr. I wonder if I will ever get laid again!


We can sit on the sexually frustrated bus together:rofl:

A one night stand is casual sex...it's not casual in my book if you've been out at least 4 times


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## PBear

Deejo said:


> And ... I did have someone tell me they had herpes on the first date. I admired her being forthright.


Was that before or after the wild monkey sex? 

C


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## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> Have the damn sex Jellybeans.


:rofl: Love this!


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> A one night stand is casual sex...it's not casual in my book if you've been out at least 4 times


Haha! I like your math!


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## Jayb

Jellybeans said:


> Forgot all about this thread I started!
> 
> I feel like I am never going to have sex again.
> 
> I am getting so sexually frustrated but don't want to just have casual sex with anyone. Grrr. I wonder if I will ever get laid again!



Totally get this. My pride or stubborness holds me back. Or wait, maybe I'm just using that as an excuse. 

It's one of those, when I stop pursuing, it will happen. So I think.


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## COguy

JB I totally feel you. I really don't WANT to have casual sex but I am having a really tough time now that I have a few women in my life that are willing.

I realistically don't know how much longer I can hold out, but I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to be one of those guys who just has meaningless sex with all these people.

I have made sure I am up front with all of the women I date, that I am not looking to be exclusive and that I am seeing other people. But I still feel like the women hear that but it doesn't really sink in.

Kind of at a weird place in my life right now. I've never dated more than one girl at a time. I've never had casual sex. My number is still 1.... but I'm hornier now than I've ever been in my life...... I think I'm either going to turn player or become a Eunuch.


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## dumpedandhappy

Wow, I guess sex for me is at a higher priority than some others!!
Sex to me is like food or water...you need it to survive. 
But everyone is different. 
How can something that feels that good be wrong??
And you know you want it so....

Whatever happened to the 1960's??


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## Jayb

COguy said:


> JB I totally feel you. I really don't WANT to have casual sex but I am having a really tough time now that I have a few women in my life that are willing.
> 
> I realistically don't know how much longer I can hold out, but I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to be one of those guys who just has meaningless sex with all these people.
> 
> I have made sure I am up front with all of the women I date, that I am not looking to be exclusive and that I am seeing other people. But I still feel like the women hear that but it doesn't really sink in.
> 
> Kind of at a weird place in my life right now. I've never dated more than one girl at a time. I've never had casual sex. My number is still 1.... but I'm hornier now than I've ever been in my life...... I think I'm either going to turn player or become a Eunuch.



My priority is not getting into any serious relationship. So, I'm up for casual dating, casual sex, fwb, etc. But, it's that first huge step to take. When married, I isolated myself to such an extent that it's almost like I'm starting all over again obtaining friends, meeting new people, dating, etc.

I'd be straight with someone, though. Meaning, I wouldn't intentionally mislead anyone.


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## COguy

Jayb said:


> My priority is not getting into any serious relationship. So, I'm up for casual dating, casual sex, fwb, etc. But, it's that first huge step to take. When married, I isolated myself to such an extent that it's almost like I'm starting all over again obtaining friends, meeting new people, dating, etc.
> 
> I'd be straight with someone, though. Meaning, I wouldn't intentionally mislead anyone.


It's weird for me because I'm not attracted to people that are into casual sex. So I tend to gravitate to "good girls" who want a relationship. And then I tell those people "I'm not looking for a relationship", I think they hear me say the words but don't really believe it. Maybe I'm interjecting too many personal assumptions into it but I just get the sense with three of the girls I'm seeing now that if I slept with them they would assume we were exclusive even if I expressly said "we are not exclusive even if we have sex."

Some guys would say that's their problem, but I don't really operate like that. I would feel guilty if I slept with someone and then ended up breaking their heart because we weren't on the same page.


----------



## Dollystanford

I will be having sex really soon 
yay me :woohoo:


----------



## Matt1720

Did you notate it on your calendar? Or is it getting that boring in your command center?


----------



## Dollystanford

don't get jel babe


----------



## Matt1720

*psssh*


----------



## cloudwithleggs

COguy said:


> It's weird for me because I'm not attracted to people that are into casual sex. So I tend to gravitate to "good girls" who want a relationship. And then I tell those people "I'm not looking for a relationship", I think they hear me say the words but don't really believe it. Maybe I'm interjecting too many personal assumptions into it but I just get the sense with three of the girls I'm seeing now that if I slept with them they would assume we were exclusive even if I expressly said "we are not exclusive even if we have sex."
> 
> Some guys would say that's their problem, but I don't really operate like that. I would feel guilty if I slept with someone and then ended up breaking their heart because we weren't on the same page.


you are weird  you don't want girls that do casual sex but you want casual sex, i think it all has to be casual to start with as long as there is no risk of STD but i would consider it high risk so not for me.

So is it you that doesn't like the idea that the girls you are dating are ****ing other men at the same time as you, but you are dating all 3 and considered sex with all of them, then you want casual sex and shouldn't be dating those girls because they're not looking for casual sex, wonderful.

If i was dating you and knew you were dating other girls, i'd just wave you goodbye, so not interested in that.


----------



## Lon

For me there is no such thing as casual sex. I want there to be but I don't know how to get it, and if I did I would be so afraid of it I, in most likelihood could not even perform it. My fears are of being seen as exploiting someone (I can't feel good about myself when guilty), fear of STDs and fear of picking a psycho that will just use me and try to impregnate herself.

I would like to be honest with someone and be able to trust that they are honest with me, and be physically comfortable with each other, but the only women that ever give me the time of day are ones that look at me as a safe bet and would only consider letting me bang them if it was a committed relationship where they get all the benefits of having a nice guy for a partner - because if all they wanted was something physical there are infinite number of better suited and more physically attractive candidates.

Also, I need a level of physical attraction or it just won't work, and I'm thinking my physical standards rank higher than what I got to offer.


----------



## Dollystanford

Lon baby, don't know if you missed reproduction 101 but a lady can't impregnate herself, even a psycho - rubber up buttercup


----------



## Torrivien

Argh, I don't want to think about this subject.
I think I need to work on some of my beliefs. So glad that it's still soon for me to even consider it BUT when the time comes, it won't be a ride of only joy.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Funny thing. When my divorce went through, I had the exes former friends calling me up wanting to hang out. I'm safe, emotionally unavailable, have become very fit and athletic, and I would keep my mouth shut. Have had a little fun here and there. It's been real. Now, I'm considering a relationship with a girl and the conversations have gotten very "connecting". Sex with her sounds scary, and I'm trying to figure out how/when/where of that.


----------



## COguy

cloudwithleggs said:


> you are weird  you don't want girls that do casual sex but you want casual sex, i think it all has to be casual to start with as long as there is no risk of STD but i would consider it high risk so not for me.
> 
> So is it you that doesn't like the idea that the girls you are dating are ****ing other men at the same time as you, but you are dating all 3 and considered sex with all of them, then you want casual sex and shouldn't be dating those girls because they're not looking for casual sex, wonderful.
> 
> If i was dating you and knew you were dating other girls, i'd just wave you goodbye, so not interested in that.


I haven't done anything yet... Like I said I'm in a weird place. I don't want to have sex with anyone, but my hormones are raging like a 16 year old boy. I'm not sure how long I can hold out, and I'm definitely not ready for a relationship yet. The thought of having sex with someone who's screwing someone else really freaks me out.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

COguy said:


> I haven't done anything yet... Like I said I'm in a weird place. I don't want to have sex with anyone, but my hormones are raging like a 16 year old boy. I'm not sure how long I can hold out, and I'm definitely not ready for a relationship yet. The thought of having sex with someone who's screwing someone else really freaks me out.


I'm at about the same place you are maybe, i want sex but i don't want a serious relationship because all of the trappings that come with it, but i can't stomach casual sex.

Casual sex is not a good place to be, your opening yourself up to being abused and used and who really wants that, i know i don't, i want a real connection, real feelings on both sides, casual sex doesn't bring that, it is just another more dangerous form of getting oneself off, i would prefer porn myself.

Like i have said before i'll only date one person at a time, if i am dating them then they are already exclusive in my mind and if they want to date others, sorry but then they don't have any chance to date me.


----------



## arbitrator

cloudwithleggs said:


> I'm at about the same place you are maybe, i want sex but i don't want a serious relationship because all of the trappings that come with it, but i can't stomach casual sex.
> 
> Casual sex is not a good place to be, your opening yourself up to being abused and used and who really wants that, i know i don't, i want a real connection, real feelings on both sides, casual sex doesn't bring that, it is just another more dangerous form of getting oneself off, i would prefer porn myself.
> 
> Like i have said before i'll only date one person at a time, if i am dating them then they are already exclusive in my mind and if they want to date others, sorry but then they don't have any chance to date me.


I, too, am by nature, an eclusive dater. And once exclusivity has been established, then there is a mutual feeling between the two of you that greatly makes the consummation of the act feel more natural.

I could never even begin to ever identify the "number of dates" that it would take. But as long as exclusivity and that mutual feeling between the two of you has been firmly established, then that would truly be the time!


----------



## Lon

CWL, as to casual sex I think I completely understand what you are saying.

As to dating exclusivity, I think for a guy to have success knowing just what he wants he has to be able to have a selection set - that doesn't mean being deceiptful or lying or arrogant, but I think it means having to actively make a lot of connections, meeting lots of women and remaining casual until it turns into something more. 

So first date, expecting him to not be potentially meeting someone the following night is setting yourself up for disappointment, second date, expect that he may also be arranging second dates with other women... to me by the end of the third date he should know what he wants and if he is going to continue with a fourth date or start making it sexual he should be tying up the other loose ends with the other women.

That is just my opinion on this. The problem with being purely exclusive right at the beginning is that he, and you, will be investing prematurely into what may or may not be a really unhealthy relationship - it is leaving it up to chance that he will be clingly, dishonest, afraid to lose your committment or whatever flaws that will make it more difficult to sever by the time either one of you decides that you may not want it.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

*Lon* which selection set, because their draw if full of stainless steel and i'm the silver spoon.   

If i did that i'd have loads of guys it would be like cadburys milk tray and i was the soft centre, they'd all be trying their best to get into my panties.

I just can't be bothered dating loads of guys casually, it'd just be a waste of my time.

Sounds like a cattle market and i wont be part of the auction.


----------



## Lon

Most guys don't know the difference between stainless steel and sterling silver, atleast not at first. And first we have to decide: fork or spoon.

So even though I can believe you are the silver spoon, they have to realize it first.

It is a different process for men as it is for women, as for you having lots of guys to select from, the candidates are already in place, the guys have all preselected themselves for you. The women who get what they are actually seeking don't play easy to get, you gotta play hard to get, but for men we only stand a chance if we play easy to get because women, in general, don't pursue. And a man who values himself is not going to become exclusive for the first one who shows an interest, but he will be considering it.

All I EVER hear from women is "no I don't want casual, I want a real relationship" (I guess the ones who want casual aren't busy dating, they just go out and pick one) I think men who understand the game see that as the basic piece that means the woman is looking to play. It doesn't always mean that they are the long term guy but they have learned how to take out that piece.

It's not a cattle market, its a people market


----------



## sandc

I've never been divorced so I can't imagine. However, when I was dating I only had sex with women I would consider marrying. I didn't do casual sex when I was dating either. Too scared of STD's (I love my d!ck and I take good care of it) and don't like the drama. My current wife and I waited almost a year before we had sex. That's kind of why I married her. She wasn't an easy conquest by any means. She had great boundaries. But I was relentlessly charming and constantly pursued her. Otherwise we might not have had sex until the honeymoon.

Which wouldn't have been a bad deal either really.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

well i am 100% out of the market, i don't see myself dating or having sex for a very long time, if ever.

what a choice casual sex which is soul destroying or not having sex which is also soul destroying.

I don't want to own anyone, just care about them, how does casual sex work, i'm a sensual person, i can't turn emotions off like they are a switch, is then passion a failure that only warrants the coldest touch, then love is an illusion as we lie and cheat our very self. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8cADX87-2I


----------



## Deejo

I can tell you exactly how casual sex works.
Neither of the people participating in it at the time see it as 'casual'.

I date. I date with certain mind-sets. At the outset I was simply dating to realign myself with the field.

I usually date 3 women at a time ... just the way I set my rules up. I found this to be a great model from preventing 'oneitis' (meet girl and because she's the only girl at the moment, you believe she completes you). By dating more than one person at once it enables you to determine with whom you truly have compatibility.

If one person decides that they want to kick you to the curb, it isn't like someone clubbing your self-esteem like a baby harp seal.

If things move into the realm of intimacy with one partner, I stop seeing the others. Personal rule, I do not sleep with multiple partners.

I think you need to decide how you constitute casual sex. In the time I have been single, I have not been in a relationship that lasted for more than 6 months. I have been intimate with a number of partners. In some cases, we hadn't been on more than 1 date.

I just decided to let things go where they can go. I don't believe there are hoops to jump through, or a particular date number, or that I somehow have to prove myself.
As a middle aged male pursuing women no more than a decade younger than myself, I presume that she's not naive ... and she knows what she wants.
And sometimes that is sex.
We don't always wait for all of the stars to be aligned from a relationship perspective. Sometimes we have discovered that we are not as compatible as we thought after we have been intimate.
As an adult, I don't have any issue with that.

I have cared very much for every woman I have ever been naked with. I'm not looking for trophies, or bragging rights. I'm looking for a connection ... and unequivocally, sex is part of that overall connection.

My point is, it doesn't have to be black and white. The expectation needn't be that you and your partner are banging everyone you meet. Nor do you have to live like a monk because you don't want another 'soul-mate'.

You can be in a 'young' relationship, and choose to be sexual. 
All this 'high value' stuff that gets discussed in the virgin wife threads?

I could give a sh!t. If I meet a virgin at my age, I'd run screaming for the hills. Else I'm going to presume that the woman I am involving myself with has had at least one, if not more partners prior to my rocking her like a hurricane ...

And for PBear ... it was before the monkey sex. Her ex gave it to her from his philandering. She was very open, honest, stunningly attractive at 47 and careful. So was I ...


----------



## cloudwithleggs

So if you are dating 3 at a time you are staying emotionally detached, so using parachute dates to bolster your self esteem, as one date could ditched you but you're rescued by a back up date, haha that can work well for women, where are you taking all these dates.

Good tip for myself reminds herself to never pay for a date, other wise what is the point.

I think i understand why women end up just using men, it looks like the only way forward, to get my own needs met, your number is a bit low for backups  i think i can raise that one 

"tilts head" 

You seem happy to be used, why not sleep with multiple partners, because you do know people lie, you can't know for sure if they're telling the truth their rules may be different, it is casual sex devoid of real emotions so who cares, you're still running the same high risks, so why not just go for it, they're back up ****s  where is self esteem saving there as they may be a total dud in bed  

This is a perfect license to use, thanks.


----------



## Deejo

Bottom line?

I don't care what other people do ... think ... or say.

Not sure I understand how you distinguish 'being used' from 'personal choice'. I'm not twisting anyone's arm.

I've also been on numbers of dates with the same woman where sex never entered the picture. 

Last woman I was seeing ... one and only one mind you, I didn't even kiss until date #5.

I just roll with it. 

If you choose not to, thats ok too. But don't let superlatives stand in the way of having something that you want to have, be it sexual or not.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Deejo said:


> Bottom line?
> 
> I don't care what other people do ... think ... or say.
> 
> Not sure I understand how you distinguish 'being used' from 'personal choice'. I'm not twisting anyone's arm.
> 
> I've also been on numbers of dates with the same woman where sex never entered the picture.
> 
> Last woman I was seeing ... one and only one mind you, I didn't even kiss until date #5.
> 
> I just roll with it.
> 
> If you choose not to, thats ok too. But don't let superlatives stand in the way of having something that you want to have, be it sexual or not.


Exactly, each individual relationship has it's own pace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I've been propositioned even when not out on a date! I've also got a lot of marriage proposals just right up front, too. I must have some kind of transparent attitude about life that shows sometimes...

This thread assumes that sex is linked to dating. What's up with that? If you want casual sex, I don't think it needs to involve dating, just ask for it, skip the dating already. That way you don't have to worry about the whole relationship thing. 

I've always said no (both to the spontaneous sex and marriage requests), but I've also made sure (if appropriate) that the requester knows that I took the request/suggestion as a compliment. I actually find it cute and amusing.


----------



## arbitrator

But can someone really entertain having sex with another person that they do not have any kind of an emotional connection with?

Unless I was extremely drunk, high, or totally out of my mind, or greatly lowered my ethical standards to go about soliciting prostitution (which I absolutely wouldn't dream of doing), I just don't believe that I could ever bring myself to do it!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

arbitrator said:


> But can someone really entertain having sex with another person that they do not have any kind of an emotional connection with?
> 
> Unless I was extremely drunk, high, or totally out of my mind, or greatly lowered my ethical standards to go about soliciting prostitution (which I absolutely wouldn't dream of doing), I just don't believe that I could ever bring myself to do it!


Apparently, some people do! I can vouch for that, having been asked. Of course, that is what they SAY. Maybe what they actually want is something different, and they've given up on getting it. Or maybe it's what they really mean. It doesn't matter. I have always said no. I don't think it's prostitution unless you offer to pay, and they accept.

One guy who propositioned me said his work was that of a treasure hunter. I refused his suggestion/offer and later did a background check on him. I found out that he ran an escort service. lol. I guess in addition to being a proposition, it would have been an interview. Very funny. I always wondered how someone got into that line of business.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

I did the casual thing in a drunken one weekend situation. The dry spell got to me. I didn't feel too good about it afterwards. I have been out with the girl I'm talking to about 11 times. Absolutely, nothing physical yet. However, the relationship is getting to be serious emotionally. I can tell, if we start the physical path, this one will be trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford

arbitrator said:


> But can someone really entertain having sex with another person that they do not have any kind of an emotional connection with?


absolutely
there still has to be physical attraction of course 
sometimes that wild animal passion is all that is there and all that matters


----------



## arbitrator

Dollystanford said:


> absolutely
> there still has to be physical attraction of course
> sometimes that wild animal passion is all that is there and all that matters


As long as both partners have agreed to those terms well in advance. But if one partner is in any way emotionally attached to the other, but the other (the one acting on "animal instincts") is not, it could well create problems for the attached partner, greatly at the expense of the unattached partner.


----------



## Dollystanford

that's true, but you can only control your own behavior. I'm pretty up front and honest about what I want out of things


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Deejo, 5 dates and just a kiss, so if I may ask, what are you wanting from dates as in your goal?

how do you feel emotionally? curious.

my goal is sex, simple, that is all I want, I thought again about what I am looking for, it comes back the same answer, I just don't want selfish sex.

I don't have time to date lots of people, I have very young children 2 and 5, plus my horse, so I am often busy, if it's not horses it is babies, inbetween gaming and workingout, I only have time for online dating, the men so far I can't cope with the number if I were to reply to all, so went with who I thought I may be sexually attracted too.

getting to know somone is time consuming, someone give me a list of safe men that are good in bed and are STD free.

maybe the men in the dating pool are emotionally devoid, so all i can do is cut to the chase have sex once and leave.

I am troubled by my lack of emotion and risks of STD's but I am tired of not having sex as I have a very high drive.

you are right I am not going to worry about rules or their's, I will just take what I want, when I want it.


----------



## Deejo

cloudwithleggs said:


> I will just take what I want, when I want it.


I would have nothing but admiration for a woman that looked me in the eye and said those words. I don't know if the context under which you are saying them, is different than the context under which I am interpreting them.

I have another piece to my 'code'; "Do no harm."
I am not out to manipulate, cajole, lead on, lie to, or objectify anyone for my own gratification.
That's not to say people don't get hurt if they are more invested than I am and the relationship isn't working for me, whether we are intimate or not.
But ... I'm not the kind of guy that looks to make a conquest, and then is out the door. I'm out the door if it is apparent to me that we are fundamentally incompatible, or there is no attraction.

I want different things from my dates. Quite honestly, I have found that the less I consciously think about the sexual aspect, the more likely it seems to be that we will have it.

I'm not trying to sound cavalier, but honestly, I just roll with whatever and wherever an emotional exchange takes me. 

I know where I stand. I'm not worried about where she thinks I stand. If she wants to know, I expect her to ask ... and I will tell her.

The 5 date woman, I was very attracted to. Were you to ask me after our first date if I would ever hear from her again, I would have answered 'no'. But ... she kept staying in touch, going out with me, and NEVER really opening up emotionally. I found it intriguing. 

I had another female friend with whom I had a strong connection. Owned her own business, single mom. She would talk about wanting closeness and intimacy and building a relationship. The reality was ... she wasn't AVAILABLE to build a close, intimate relationship. I asked her out many times ... she always had something that required her attention. Yet again, she would always call me. She wasn't seeing or dating anyone else.
She believed she needed the old school courting and pursuit in order to be in a sexual relationship. What she failed to see, is that her lifestyle absolutely made that an impossibility ... and she blame-shifted by claiming that men were only interested in one thing. Fact of the matter was, she was angry at herself. She WANTED to get laid, but couldn't fathom doing so without 'following the rules'. 

I'm not suggesting that you are like that. But I will suggest that you shouldn't be like that.


----------



## Jayb

cloudwithleggs said:


> Deejo, 5 dates and just a kiss, so if I may ask, what are you wanting from dates as in your goal?
> 
> how do you feel emotionally? curious.
> 
> my goal is sex, simple, that is all I want, I thought again about what I am looking for, it comes back the same answer, I just don't want selfish sex.
> 
> I don't have time to date lots of people, I have very young children 2 and 5, plus my horse, so I am often busy, if it's not horses it is babies, inbetween gaming and workingout, I only have time for online dating, the men so far I can't cope with the number if I were to reply to all, so went with who I thought I may be sexually attracted too.
> 
> getting to know somone is time consuming, someone give me a list of safe men that are good in bed and are STD free.
> 
> maybe the men in the dating pool are emotionally devoid, so all i can do is cut to the chase have sex once and leave.
> 
> I am troubled by my lack of emotion and risks of STD's but I am tired of not having sex as I have a very high drive.
> 
> you are right I am not going to worry about rules or their's, I will just take what I want, when I want it.



I understand your lack of time. Is the sex you get satisfying enough? Or do you not even care? Curious.


----------



## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> This thread assumes that sex is linked to dating. What's up with that?


The entire point of my thread was to ask how long should one wait when dating someone before having sex. So I started this thread about those that date who decide to have sex.


----------



## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> The 5 date woman, I was very attracted to. Were you to ask me after our first date if I would ever hear from her again, I would have answered 'no'. But ... she kept staying in touch, going out with me, and NEVER really opening up emotionally. I found it intriguing.


A little mystery goes a long way.



Dedicated2Her said:


> I did the casual thing in a drunken one weekend situation. The dry spell got to me. I didn't feel too good about it afterwards. I have been out with the girl I'm talking to about 11 times. Absolutely, nothing physical yet. However, the relationship is getting to be serious emotionally. I can tell, if we start the physical path, this one will be trouble.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why "trouble?" Is it cause you like her?


----------



## Deejo

Jellybeans said:


> Why "trouble?" Is it cause you like her?


No ... I'm thinking it's this kind of trouble.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

that poor bunny


----------



## Jellybeans

Can't see the picture, Deejo. What is it?


----------



## COguy

Jellybeans said:


> Can't see the picture, Deejo. What is it?


Two furries getting it on. Deejo is in the back watching, wearing an american flag speedo with a giant bulge in his pants.

Probably best you don't see it...


----------



## Deejo

It's a plush bunny in a pot with the gas turned on, to graphically represent a 'bunny boiler'; which is the media culture reference to a crazy woman as portrayed by Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

Before I changed it, it was pretty much exactly as COGuy described.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Hilarious. No, actually, I really like her. She scares me. She has it together. From what I can see, she is too good to be true. If it went physical, I would open up way too much to her, and I don't need to do that until I can see her away from possible manipulation. I'm just very cautious.


----------



## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> It's a plush bunny in a pot with the gas turned on, to graphically represent a 'bunny boiler'; which is the media culture reference to a crazy woman as portrayed by Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.


I can see it now. Cute bunny. Why do you suggest she's a bunny boiler? 



Dedicated2Her said:


> Hilarious. No, actually, I really like her. She scares me. She has it together. From what I can see, she is too good to be true. If it went physical, I would open up way too much to her, and I don't need to do that until I can see her away from possible manipulation. I'm just very cautious.


Then it's best not to have sex til you're really ready for it. How long have ou been seeing eachother for?


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Jayb said:


> I understand your lack of time. Is the sex you get satisfying enough? Or do you not even care? Curious.


elaborate please? well i'll have to guess.

i haven't been having sex only with myself does that count, i care about the quality, i can make it quality  i am guarantee to orgasm as i can within minute of penetration and with out so i multi orgasm anyway, so sex is satisfying.

My so called last two long term partners, that i was loyal and faithful too were hopeless in the sex department, one had PE (now you see where i learnt to cum quick) he had no sex drive at all, the other my estranged husband is *narcissistic* and they don't really like intimacy suffered bad ED, so no sex again, plus very clumsy and selfish. And it didn't matter how imaginative i was with them, straight vanilla is all they would do and the same position me on top, that is so boring.

So what have i got to lose, i just need to go out and get what i want, of course i'll make sure i like them first and we share interests, especially sexual, i'll just take it moment by moment.

I knew i should of gone to that star trek convention in London.

Or i may meet someone playing gw2 i need to run round naked 

Now the type of man will have to like a woman that builds gaming rigs and has interests in homecinema, amps, speakers and so on, so i prefer guys that are geeks, nerds and the interweb is full of them (Prof Brian Cox)  i doubt they'll mind what my interests are though  

*Deejo* what do you think ?









******* | Take The Lover Style Profile Test

I'm learning there are no rules and i'll be happy that way.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Then it's best not to have sex til you're really ready for it. How long have ou been seeing eachother for?


We have been talking since May, however, truly dating since beginning of August. I don't think it's that I'm not ready for sex. I think I'm just skeptical. However, the past two weeks have been very eye opening and the conversations have been very deep. We are on opposite kid schedules with many other things going on, therefore, it has been hard to see each other. Things are about to change in that, so I am anticipating that we will be moving along at a much faster pace. I've never met anyone I can sit in a booth at a restaurant and talk to for 4 hours and it only seem like 1.


----------



## Jellybeans

That sounds nice


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> That sounds nice


It is. She is very straight forward, and I am used to having to play "detective" to figure out what is going on with a girl. I only ask for two things, honesty and communication, and she has provided that so far.


----------



## Deejo

cloudwithleggs said:


> *Deejo* what do you think ?


I'm thinking that starting dating, and making decisions about sex can be daunting for anyone.

Lord knows I had some confusion regarding attraction when I started out ...










Took the test ... I scored as a Carnal Lover. Really like the sounds of that.


----------



## Deejo

So JB ... Have you jumped in the dating pool?


----------



## ScarletBegonias

The Liberated Lover

59% partner focus, 71% aggressiveness, 65% adventurousness

I think i'd rather have the carnal lover.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

and yes,JB...getting any yet?


----------



## 45188

I've only ever had sex with the guy I'm with.. I started talking to him online. We spoke for a year and a half. I developed feelings. Deep ones. We met. He crawled on top of me the very first night. I had barely been off the plane for 4 hours! lol 

7 years and 2 kids later.. 

I think it's different for everybody because you get to know people at different speeds. Like I mean if you've had a friend for years who was only a friend and you started dating you'd probably feel fine having sex with them in a couple of days.

Online.. Online you get to know people much faster the more you talk. It's easy to keep track of someones bull****. Hell my messenger saves convos in case I have one of those "Wait didn't he tell me this?" moments.


----------



## COguy

The Carnal Lover

50% partner focus, 67% aggressiveness, 60% adventurousness


I think it's flawed, I should be like 95% partner....


----------



## Jellybeans

Deejo--I was the Carnal Lover, too (that test).

I have dated 1 time since my divorce. It ended recently. I was dating a guy who was "bffs" with his ex girlfriend, who is married. He spoke of her constantly, they work together, see eachother daily and hang often. The situation quickly became weird to me. He actually broke it off with me citing the long distance and I whoeheartedly agreed with calling it off which I think made him feel weird. He said "You're very good at this!" when I told him "Oh I totally agree. This is not working for me either." Hee. I thoght it was pretty funny.

It made me learn that I am not at all down for dating someone who lives inside their ex's a$$/is best friends with them (apparently it's caused a lot of problems in her marriage--gee, I wonder why!); and that I am not even sure I'm ready for dating though I'm glad I got my feet.

Scarlet--not getting any. My libido is ridiculous some days but I've decided I'm not doing casual sex either. I want to feel a connection with someone and know it's going somewhere before doing that.

On the flip, there is a guy who is super into me and I do not at all feel that way about him. He's had a crush on me forever and eventhough I ignore him and have told him I plan to be single for a long time, he's relentless and still asks me out. He just did it again. I told him point blank I am not into dating anyone after my divorce & want to be single for a long time. He has tried to friend me on FB at least 2 times now and I've never accepted. Even when months go by he will start reaching out to me again. I don't know what to do. I like him as a friend only & the chemistry is simply not there for me at all. Advice?


----------



## dumpedandhappy

kipani said:


> I've only ever had sex with the guy I'm with.. I started talking to him online. We spoke for a year and a half. I developed feelings. Deep ones. We met. He crawled on top of me the very first night. I had barely been off the plane for 4 hours! lol
> 
> 7 years and 2 kids later..
> 
> I think it's different for everybody because you get to know people at different speeds. Like I mean if you've had a friend for years who was only a friend and you started dating you'd probably feel fine having sex with them in a couple of days.
> 
> Online.. Online you get to know people much faster the more you talk. It's easy to keep track of someones bull****. Hell my messenger saves convos in case I have one of those "Wait didn't he tell me this?" moments.


Have to agree with the "on-line" comment. Time is short and dating can be costly in time and effort/costs. On-Line it can be very clear what and who a person is very quickly. 
I met the most amazing woman, a magical person with whom I am now firmly attached to...on Craigslist!! LOL


----------



## COguy

There needs to be some sort of hyperbolic time chamber where all of us that want meaningful sex and don't want to go the casual route, but are horny as hell, can screw our brains out.

Then we step out of the chamber and it's like nothing ever happened.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Meaningful? Casual? What's with all the definitions? It's SEX!
You want sex? 
You NEED sex!! 
You are a sadist to be abstaining. 
Come on people, where do you think we all came from anyway. 
Just do it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Or not


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> On the flip, there is a guy who is super into me and I do not at all feel that way about him. He's had a crush on me forever and eventhough I ignore him and have told him I plan to be single for a long time, he's relentless and still asks me out. He just did it again. I told him point blank I am not into dating anyone after my divorce & want to be single for a long time. He has tried to friend me on FB at least 2 times now and I've never accepted. Even when months go by he will start reaching out to me again. I don't know what to do. I like him as a friend only & the chemistry is simply not there for me at all. Advice?


do you think if he wasn't making himself so "puppy humping your leg" you'd feel some chemistry?or is he completely not your type and you don't even think he's good looking?


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> When dating, when do you think the "exclusivity" topic should come up?


That was a stupid answer I just gave. 

Yes, I think it should come up. I assume we are NOT exclusive unless we actually speak about it. My current BF and I had determined that sex meant being exclusive. But even before that when things got a little hot and heavy I asked if he was dating other women and he said No. I said good because even tho we had said sex meant being exclusive I sort of thought rolling around naked also fit that category even if actual sex hadn't occurred yet. 

We went out 3x before I got a peck goodnight, even though we shared a hotel (and a bed) on a weekend trip once. It was several more months including overnight stays before we got physical and another month or so before we had sex - about 5 months. I really think his STBXW cheating hurt his self esteem and he was afraid to initiate.


----------



## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> do you think if he wasn't making himself so "puppy humping your leg" you'd feel some chemistry?or is he completely not your type and you don't even think he's good looking?


It's simply not there for me. He's not unattractive, but that spark is missing for me. I do admit that his overbearing "super into me" and super in my face-thing was a turn off when he first started crushing on me. But it's mainly cause I feel no chemistry. Had the spark been then I wouldn't have minded. 

I mean the guy who I dated briefly was not classically handsome at all and totally not my normal "type" but we had a little spark and cute banter from the onset. In fact I was surprised I was attracted to him at all. (And then you know how that story ended). Lol.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Jellybeans said:


> It's simply not there for me. He's not unattractive, but that spark is missing for me. I do admit that his overbearing "super into me" and super in my face-thing was a turn off when he first started crushing on me. But it's mainly cause I feel no chemistry. Had the spark been then I wouldn't have minded.
> 
> I mean the guy who I dated briefly was not classically handsome at all and totally not my normal "type" but we had a little spark and cute banter from the onset. In fact I was surprised I was attracted to him at all. (And then you know how that story ended). Lol.


Yah...we know how that ended...sigh....


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> It's simply not there for me. He's not unattractive, but that spark is missing for me. I do admit that his overbearing "super into me" and super in my face-thing was a turn off when he first started crushing on me. But it's mainly cause I feel no chemistry. Had the spark been then I wouldn't have minded.
> 
> I mean the guy who I dated briefly was not classically handsome at all and totally not my normal "type" but we had a little spark and cute banter from the onset. In fact I was surprised I was attracted to him at all. (And then you know how that story ended). Lol.


Well I'm happy to hear you'd be into him if there was a spark even though he's a little over the top with the puppy stuff. (i love those guys if i'm being totally honest..I think they're super cute and totally sexy,mostly lol)

Well you can live like in the movies by going out and seeing if a spark develops,we've all seen that movie.Girl not really into guy,girl gives guy a pity date.Girl and guy suddenly end up having wild monkey sex after they realize there IS in fact a spark. 
 


or you can put him in the permanent friend zone and not give it another thought.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

ScarletBegonias said:


> Well I'm happy to hear you'd be into him if there was a spark even though he's a little over the top with the puppy stuff. (i love those guys if i'm being totally honest..I think they're super cute and totally sexy,mostly lol)
> 
> Well you can live like in the movies by going out and seeing if a spark develops,we've all seen that movie.Girl not really into guy,girl gives guy a pity date.Girl and guy suddenly end up having wild monkey sex after they realize there IS in fact a spark.
> 
> 
> 
> or you can put him in the permanent friend zone and not give it another thought.


MMM, "wild monkey sex...." now that sounds fun, hey?


----------



## ScarletBegonias

dumpedandhappy said:


> MMM, "wild monkey sex...." now that sounds fun, hey?


it sure does...with someone I love


----------



## COguy

dumpedandhappy said:


> MMM, "wild monkey sex...." now that sounds fun, hey?


Too much poo flinging for me...


----------



## ScarletBegonias

COguy said:


> Too much poo flinging for me...


you're not doing it right


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Well I'm happy to hear you'd be into him if there was a spark even though he's a little over the top with the puppy stuff. (i love those guys if i'm being totally honest..I think they're super cute and totally sexy,mostly lol)
> 
> Well you can live like in the movies by going out and seeing if a spark develops,we've all seen that movie.Girl not really into guy,girl gives guy a pity date.Girl and guy suddenly end up having wild monkey sex after they realize there IS in fact a spark.
> 
> 
> 
> or you can put him in the permanent friend zone and not give it another thought.


Ok. This works both ways. The girl I am seeing I was totally kind of "yeah she is a really nice girl, so I'll give this a shot." I sat there the first time out mouth wide open hanging out with her. I was just blown away.


----------



## Jayb

Deejo said:


> So JB ... Have you jumped in the dating pool?


Not yet jumped. Preparing myself. All the standard, who am I, what do I want, beforehand.

I want to be ready before I endure the potential rejections, frustrations, games, etc.

To better enjoy the ride.


----------



## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> you're not doing it right


My inexperience reveals itself..... Where is that damn time chamber?


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!!

Monkeys love each other right? Well they do when they are doin it!!

Experience is over rated...getting experienced is a whole lot more fun!!


----------



## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> or you can put him in the permanent friend zone and not give it another thought.


He doesn't take a hint, not even when I say I don't want to date anyone at all for a long time and even when I say he's my "friend." One time we hung out and I said "We're just friends." Still does not seem to care. Grr.

It's just not there for me and after knowing him as long as I have, it'd be there by now. It's simply NOT. Physically, nada. And you know how revved up I am... and I feel "icky" if I have try to think of him that way. Just no.


----------



## Almostrecovered

volunteers wanted to get JB laid, please send pics to Dolly and Scarlet for screening


----------



## COguy

Almostrecovered said:


> volunteers wanted to get JB laid, please send pics to Dolly and Scarlet for screening


I smell a hit blog in the making.


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Jellybeans said:


> He doesn't take a hint, not even when I say I don't want to date anyone at all for a long time and even when I say he's my "friend." One timew e hung ou and I said "We're just friends." Still does not seem to care. Grr.
> 
> It's just not there for me and after knowing him as long as I have, it'd be there by now. It's simply NOT. Physically, nada. And you know how revved up I am... and I feel "icky" if I have try to think of him that way. Just no.


Chemistry is everything...a fascinating thing really, no matter how good looking nor how ugly in fact, if there is that "zing!" then that's who qualifies.
Listen to your body, it knows, with luck... you may even 'like" the chemicals' owner!


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Almostrecovered said:


> volunteers wanted to get JB laid, please send pics to Dolly and Scarlet for screening


That's the spirit!!


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Jayb said:


> Not yet jumped. Preparing myself. All the standard, who am I, what do I want, beforehand.
> 
> I want to be ready before I endure the potential rejections, frustrations, games, etc.
> 
> To better enjoy the ride.



But you need to practice?


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> He doesn't take a hint, not even when I say I don't want to date anyone at all for a long time and even when I say he's my "friend." One timew e hung ou and I said "We're just friends." Still does not seem to care. Grr.
> 
> It's just not there for me and after knowing him as long as I have, it'd be there by now. It's simply NOT. Physically, nada. And you know how revved up I am... and I feel "icky" if I have try to think of him that way. Just no.


OOOOOH he's one of THOSE guys.I had one of those around once.I couldn't even joke or smile when he was around bc he'd think I was hitting on him.
I eventually stopped being around if I knew he was going to be out too.He was clueless.


----------



## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> OOOOOH he's one of THOSE guys.I had one of those around once.I couldn't even joke or smile when he was around bc he'd think I was hitting on him.
> I eventually stopped being around if I knew he was going to be out too.He was clueless.


Did you two ever think about saying something like, "I don't like you, I'm not attracted to you, and when you ask me out or try to hit on me, it makes me less and less attracted to you."

I would be surprised if that didn't do the trick.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

COguy said:


> Did you two ever think about saying something like, "I don't like you, I'm not attracted to you, and when you ask me out or try to hit on me, it makes me less and less attracted to you."
> 
> I would be surprised if that didn't do the trick.



Do I seem like a personality who wouldn't say that to someone?

Of COURSE I said that to him and from what JB has said,she told her annoying dude the same thing.

hmmm actually I said "I think you're a really great friend and I want to see you happy with someone who is totally into you. With that said,it isn't going to happen between us.I feel nothing more than friendship for you.If you keep this up Im afraid I won't be able to keep being friends bc the whole thing makes me uncomfortable."


----------



## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> Do I seem like a personality who wouldn't say that to someone?
> 
> Of COURSE I said that to him and from what JB has said,she told her annoying dude the same thing.
> 
> hmmm actually I said "I think you're a really great friend and I want to see you happy with someone who is totally into you. With that said,it isn't going to happen between us.I feel nothing more than friendship for you.If you keep this up Im afraid I won't be able to keep being friends bc the whole thing makes me uncomfortable."


And he still persists? Then follow through with the no friends thing... And if that doesn't stop, get a restraining order.

Why would you want to be friends with that kind of crazy?


----------



## ScarletBegonias

COguy said:


> And he still persists? Then follow through with the no friends thing... And if that doesn't stop, get a restraining order.
> 
> Why would you want to be friends with that kind of crazy?


"I eventually stopped being around if I knew he was going to be out too.He was clueless. "


I'm not friends with that kind of crazy.After my speech he still kept it up.Sooooo I stopped being friends with him.


----------



## thunderstruck

*He doesn't take a hint, *
Yeah, he's not going to. He wants some Jellybeans, and he's willing to wait...as long as it takes.

*not even when I say I don't want to date anyone at all for a long time and even when I say he's my "friend."* 
He translates this as - "She calls me her friend. I still have a shot with her."

*One timew e hung ou and I said "We're just friends." Still does not seem to care. Grr.*
He translates this as - "Hey, JB likes to hang out with me. I have a shot. I just need to be patient, and she'll come around. She'll eventually see what a great guy I am."

*...and I feel "icky" if I have try to think of him that way. Just no*.
So...maybe just cut all contact with him? Why keep a friend around who has a crush on you?


----------



## Jellybeans

Almostrecovered said:


> volunteers wanted to get JB laid, please send pics to Dolly and Scarlet for screening


Oh you guys are great friends. Thank you! 



ScarletBegonias said:


> OOOOOH he's one of THOSE guys.


Made me :rofl: 



COguy said:


> Did you two ever think about saying something like, "I don't like you, I'm not attracted to you, and when you ask me out or try to hit on me, it makes me less and less attracted to you."
> 
> I would be surprised if that didn't do the trick.


I never said "I don't like you" to him cause it seems mean! But I have said "We're just friends." or "I want to be single for a long time." Or "I don't plan on dating anyone in a long time." One time (long ago) he went to hung me and it lasted way too long and I was so uncomfortable. I told him "Ok that's enough!" I would t hink most men would totally get the hint if I have said we are "friends" and have ignored them several attemps to friend me on FB, some of their texts, etc. But... I suppose I should be straight up. But he is nice, guys, that's why I don't want to sound mean.



thunderstruck said:


> *He doesn't take a hint, *
> *Yeah, he's not going to. He wants some Jellybeans*, and he's willing to wait...as long as it takes.


:rofl:



thunderstruck said:


> *not even when I say I don't want to date anyone at all for a long time and even when I say he's my "friend."*
> He translates this as - "She calls me her friend. I still have a shot with her."
> 
> *One timew e hung ou and I said "We're just friends." Still does not seem to care. Grr.*
> He translates this as - "Hey, JB likes to hang out with me. I have a shot. I just need to be patient, and she'll come around. She'll eventually see what a great guy I am."
> 
> So...maybe just cut all contact with him? Why keep a friend around who has a crush on you?


Thanks for the manslation. Yeah you're right. I should just cut him off but it feels mean especially when I gnore him repeatedy and he still always keeps messaging, sometimes months go by. Ah!


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> But he is nice, guys, that's why I don't want to sound mean.


If he was nice, he would take your feedback into consideration.


----------



## Almostrecovered

guess JB ain't down for a pity fvck


----------



## Jayb

cloudwithleggs said:


> But you need to practice?


I need practice. More experiences.

I want a training partner.


----------



## Jellybeans

Dedicated2Her said:


> If he was nice, he would take your feedback into consideration.


True. Maybe he has boundary issues? 



Almostrecovered said:


> guess JB ain't down for a pity fvck


Nope!


----------



## dumpedandhappy

Jayb said:


> I need practice. More experiences.
> 
> I want a training partner.


Training...mmm...
Boot-y Camp?
Sargeant Willing & Able here....


----------



## Jayb

dumpedandhappy said:


> Training...mmm...
> Boot-y Camp?
> Sargeant Willing & Able here....


Yep.

Here's Major Woody and Private Parts.


Yuk yuk!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I don't set rules... I've had sex on the first date, after a month or with the last guy I waited until HE was ready (separated) which took 5 months.

I am happy to say they all wanted 2nd or 3rd dates - I have elected to NOT have another date after a couple of them. Call it a ONS if you wish. A connection of sorts, humor, attraction... all required.


----------



## Jellybeans

dumpedandhappy said:


> Sargeant Willing & Able here





Jayb said:


> Here's Major Woody and Private Parts.


:rofl:


----------



## sandc

More like an old tired general sleeping on a couple of duffle bags.


----------



## Jellybeans

Haha!


----------



## working_together

I used to have very high morals around this subject.... I was with my ex for 25 years, I was never with anyone else. I would be so judgemental of my single friends at the time who were having casual sex. However, when my ex and I separated I met someone who I was very attracted to. I wasn't ready for something serious, I was effed up, and I guess I just needed to feel close to someone. Once I felt better, I was no longer attracted to him, really strange. 

Then I met someone who I really connected with on every level...too bad he didn't want a relationship. I ended things a few times just because it didn't feel right. It was like the expression "too bad to stay, too good to leave", or is that a book?? lol.

I doubt I would do casual sex again, it's just to dangerous in terms of emotions getting in the way, I learned that the hard way.

As for how long I would wait to have sex, it's tough, if I met someone, went on a couple of dates, really felt attraction, I probably would take the plunge.


----------



## aston

There's never a good or bad time to start. Sometimes you've been already checked out of the marriage before the divorce happens so you can start dating almost immediately or whenever you feel like. All these rules dont' really apply simply because we're all human.


----------



## arbitrator

Still awaiting the final decree of divorce, I have too much respect for the institution of marriage to even date, much less have sex with a potential partner.

Having said that, when the divorce becomes finalized and I start the dating process again, then I'd greatly say that it would take only as long as my forming a deep, exclusive, emotional connection with that partner.


----------



## COguy

Well guys I'm officially a manwh*re. I went the cloudwithlegs route and went from committed sex to screwfest in like 3 days.

It's all kind of new for me, I've never really done anything like that before. Saw a woman on friday, we had a great time, we've been seeing eachother casually (once a week) for about 6 weeks. We had kissed a little bit before but on friday after making out for about 15 minutes she told me she wanted to keep going...one thing lead to another and we ended up doing it. She said I rocked her world and it was amazing. I felt a little awkward, not having sex in many months and this being my 2nd partner.

The next day I had plans to see another girl. I was going to cancel but I thought about it for a few hours and realized that even though I had sex I was not comfortable being exclusive. I really do not want to be tied down to one person right now. I did let the other girl know that I had had sex with someone else, because we both had talked about it before and this would be a departure from what was discussed. She was kind of pissed at first but appreciated my honesty and then by the end of the call said she still wanted to go out with me. We ended up sleeping together that night. Again, she said I rocked her world. I still felt a little uncomfortable because the whole 2 girls in 24 hours thing was playing in the back of my mind. But the sex was good and I had an awesome time with her. I still plan on seeing both of them, and this other girl that I like.

I guess I kind of realized that I am living as 3 people right now. The guy I think I should be (not having sex), the guy that I want to be (screwing everything that moves), and the guy that I actually am, the physical manifestation of the in-between of those two.

Yeah maybe it's odd to say that I don't really know what I want right now, or how I want to end up, but at least I have the balls to admit it. My biggest thing is that I didn't want to hurt anyone or create false expectations, so I am going to be brutally honest and upfront, even more so than I had been. I had told them all before that I wasn't looking for anything serious and I was seeing other people, but was also letting them know that I wasn't into casual sex. Now I think I will project that I am sleeping around and have them be pleasantly surprised if I am not.


----------



## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> My biggest thing is that I didn't want to hurt anyone or create false expectations, so I am going to be brutally honest and upfront, even more so than I had been. .


This is key.

Congrats on getting laid. 

And I do hope you are using protection.


----------



## COguy

Jellybeans said:


> And I do hope you are using protection.


I was kind of looking forward to more kids...

That way we can be together forever and the women can never leave me.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

*runs screaming in the opposite direction..arms flailing*

LOL


----------



## Dollystanford

I spent the weekend doing it
damn, it felt gooooooood


----------



## EnjoliWoman

aston said:


> There's never a good or bad time to start. Sometimes you've been already checked out of the marriage before the divorce happens so you can start dating almost immediately or whenever you feel like. All these rules dont' really apply simply because we're all human.


That was my case - I'd been talking about leaving for 3 years and contemplating it way before that. (I'm stubborn.) Not so much for the most recent guy - he thought he was over it but he wasn't. I agree it's very individual.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

arbitrator said:


> Still awaiting the final decree of divorce, I have too much respect for the institution of marriage to even date, much less have sex with a potential partner.
> 
> Having said that, when the divorce becomes finalized and I start the dating process again, then I'd greatly say that it would take only as long as my forming a deep, exclusive, emotional connection with that partner.


This coming from the guy with an avatar that says "come and take it"! :rofl:


----------



## ScarletBegonias

does a mindgasm count? i've been chatting on and off with a man all day and he has blown my mind at least twice with how witty and funny he is he was so shy and reserved in person.


----------



## Jellybeans

Mindgasms are great. In fact I think that the best sex first starts in the mind.


----------



## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> does a mindgasm count? i've been chatting on and off with a man all day and he has blown my mind at least twice with how witty and funny he is he was so shy and reserved in person.


Internet courage... Worse than booze.

If you moan with your mouth during a regular O, does a mindgasm make you fart?

interesting fact: my phone recognizes mindgasm as a word but not fart...


----------



## COguy

Jellybeans said:


> Mindgasms are great. In fact I think that the best sex first starts in the mind.


Do you get all hot and bothered when playing chess?


----------



## arbitrator

EnjoliWoman said:


> This coming from the guy with an avatar that says "come and take it"! :rofl:


M'dear Enjoli: The day that the gavel falls in that little rural court house, pronouncing that I am again, unencumbered, will be a red-letter celebration day for me as well as for all here at TAM!

After that, y'all can do just about anything to me that you might see fit to do, that is most proper and fitting! 

And truth be known, I'm greatly looking forward to it!


----------



## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> Do you get all hot and bothered when playing chess?


Very


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> Very


Like jelly beans with that?


----------



## vi_bride04

Jellybeans said:


> Mindgasms are great. In fact I think that the best sex first starts in the mind.


My friend and I really enjoy each others brains. It is definitely a turn on to engage in witty, intellectual banter!

MMMMM BRRRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS :smthumbup:


----------



## Cosmos

vi_bride04 said:


> My friend and I really enjoy each others brains. It is definitely a turn on to engage in witty, intellectual banter!
> 
> MMMMM BRRRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS :smthumbup:


Talk to me about science, philosophy or astronomy, and I'm putty in his hands...


----------



## working_together

Jellybeans said:


> It's simply not there for me. He's not unattractive, but that spark is missing for me. I do admit that his overbearing "super into me" and super in my face-thing was a turn off when he first started crushing on me. But it's mainly cause I feel no chemistry. Had the spark been then I wouldn't have minded.
> 
> I mean the guy who I dated briefly was not classically handsome at all and totally not my normal "type" but we had a little spark and cute banter from the onset. In fact I was surprised I was attracted to him at all. (And then you know how that story ended). Lol.


I missed how that ended, briefly, what happened??


----------



## Serenity_Prayer

It's not my post, but I appreciate all the responses. I'm still working on getting divorced, but this has crossed my mind too. I'm old-fashioned and believe in waiting til marriage, but it's been five years already since I've had good sex so not sure I can hold out til a second marriage that might never happen. I'd still wait until the relationship was solid, a few months in. Or so I say for now.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I think we tend to put sex on a pedestal too much. I don't want to have sex with every willing male but sometimes it feels right (nice guy, good chemistry) very early on and other times it needs to marinate a while.


----------



## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> I missed how that ended, briefly, what happened??


It started off well and then he would. not. shut. up. about his best friend who happened to be his ex girlfriend. Hung out with her all the time, and she'd even be texting him while we were on dates. (She's married, too!) So yeah, no more. No, thanks.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Jellybeans said:


> It started off well and then he would. not. shut. up. about his best friend who happened to be his ex girlfriend. Hung out with her all the time, and she'd even be texting him while we were on dates. (She's married, too!) So yeah, no more. No, thanks.


Ew. Sounds like an EA for her. Glad you didn't pursue that!


----------



## aston

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think we tend to put sex on a pedestal too much. I don't want to have sex with every willing male but sometimes it feels right (nice guy, good chemistry) very early on and other times it needs to marinate a while.


Yes, I think people simply forget how to be friends! After the sex, arguements, disagreements etc.....if at the most basic level you can't just shoot the breeze and enjoy each others company then the sex is just what it is....sex


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## arbitrator

aston said:


> Yes, I think people simply forget how to be friends! After the sex, arguements, disagreements etc.....if at the most basic level you can't just shoot the breeze and enjoy each others company then the sex is just what it is....sex


It greatly seems like after the onset of sex, "ownership" starts setting in!


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## aston

arbitrator said:


> It greatly seems like after the onset of sex, "ownership" starts setting in!


Yes.....thats when sex becomes a weapon....and then one spouse gets tired of having to beg to make love to his / her partner and finds it elsewhere. I find it funny how people use sex as a weapon and then complain about being cheated on.


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## working_together

Jellybeans said:


> It started off well and then he would. not. shut. up. about his best friend who happened to be his ex girlfriend. Hung out with her all the time, and she'd even be texting him while we were on dates. (She's married, too!) So yeah, no more. No, thanks.


yeah, that doesn't sound good, sounds like he's still pining after her, and we all know how emotionally involved men are when they're not over their ex's.....blah


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## working_together

arbitrator said:


> It greatly seems like after the onset of sex, "ownership" starts setting in!


that would seriously suck if people were stuck in those relationships. If I meet someone, we click, we have good convo, and great sex, then I know we have a chance. First of all, if I don't feel I have a connection with the person, then why would I have sex with them.

I think it's pretty extreme if someone uses sex as a weapon, that's cruel....just sayin'


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## Deejo

Serenity_Prayer said:


> I'm old-fashioned and believe in waiting til marriage, but it's been five years already since I've had good sex so not sure I can hold out til a second marriage that might never happen.


Well ... You've already been married. The wait is over. I understand this is a mind-shift for some people.

I really don't sweat sex any more. Oddly that tends to happen once you have come to terms.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, sex should never be a weapon or a bargaining tool. 

It should just be enjoyed. I always did even if I was tired or not in the mood because I knew I'd get into it and enjoy it well enough.

But I would really love to have a healthly relationship with someone. I have the tools, I just don't have the man.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

After you know them well enough to know they're not an ax murderer and don't have any std's (always use a condom!) but before you feel like you want to break up with them (or before they say they're not attracted to you and still say things, like you have a great ass, and they want it from behind and are generally enthusiastic) LOL.

I'm only kinda joking around. 
But seriously, if you want guidelines, these are as good as any.


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## HappyKaty

GinnyTonia said:


> Well, it happened. I had my first, and hopefully only, ONS. Aahh! The regret is coming on. We've texted since and I'd like to see him again, but now I feel all weird, uncertain, with a touch of anxiety. I am obviously not cut out for casual encounters. So for me, the "when to do it" would probably be at the exclusive stage.


I'm the same way.

I've never been able to be okay with meaningless sex - great or not.

I need a connection and some form of exclusivity.

Otherwise, I would spend the following month crucifying myself for being a wh0re.


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## stillhoping

This is so tough, been dating a guy who is totally ready for sex, I think it might be ok but not at all sure he is a keeper. Best to keep it casual for now. I can't even commit to seeing him every week, just a busy time of year. He has a kid who lives with him, I have one who lives with me when he is home on weekends from college, you get the drill. Would be nice to wake up with someone who cares about me, even once in a while


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## Matt1720

All I wanna do is a zoom zoom in the boomboom


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## Dollystanford

Tip: don't use that as a chat up line


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## arbitrator

GinnyTonia said:


> Feeling entitled now that I'm single after being attached for over a decade and a half?
> Because obviously it was more than just getting my rocks off.
> 
> I guess I'm asking for help here.


Weak moment perhaps! Perceived notion of mutual care and affection, maybe! Obviously, he was playing you for his needs, reading your signals and then fastly took advantage of you.

Be more discerning about their signals first. This guy is nothingmore than an uncaring lout. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't enter into any kind of relationship with him. It possibly would have meant heartbreak for you, and no one really ever needs that!


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## EnjoliWoman

GinnyTonia said:


> There's a little bit of that, but more in the form of, "Why did I do that?"
> I want to have fun, enjoy myself, but to what extent?
> 
> I am a very physical person. For example my top love language is physical touch, I'm a hugger, and my kids and I always sit right next to each other when we watch tv...
> Also, when I'm out, I talk to strangers and I get to know people very easily. It's no surprise that I make connections on a regular basis.
> I could use these traits to rationalize that sex would come into the mix of me just enjoying life, especially considering that unless I'm on the pill, I have a HD.
> 
> Right now, though, I am not enjoying life post ONS. I feel too vulnerable. I've decided to not contact him again because of it.
> 
> But I still don't know why I did that. Filling a void? (Insert something witty about the literal meaning of that question)
> Boundary issues?
> Feeling entitled now that I'm single after being attached for over a decade and a half?
> Because obviously it was more than just getting my rocks off.
> 
> I guess I'm asking for help here.


I beat myself up, too. And even though he wanted to go out and see me again, then I had to wonder was it because I was a guaranteed lay or did he want to get to know me better? I told him if we went out there would be no sex but then I just couldn't face him and opted to not go out again. A few years later we actually did meet up for dinner and it was incredibly awkward and whatever I thought we had in common that first night I didn't see it.

Sometimes it's reassurance we're still attractive, sometimes it's a physical desire for a closeness that resembles intimacy somewhat. We're human and humans make mistakes. In the whole scheme of things it's a small mistake. The only thing that got hurt (for me) was pride because I felt foolish after.

Let's be gentle with ourselves.


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## EnjoliWoman

HappyKaty said:


> I'm the same way.
> 
> I've never been able to be okay with meaningless sex - great or not.
> 
> I need a connection and some form of exclusivity.
> 
> Otherwise, I would spend the following month crucifying myself for being a wh0re.


This is what I mean by not putting sex on a pedestal. Why does enjoying sex with someone, relative stranger or not make us anything besides a human? A slightly elevated animal? Why should it be such a huge deal? Why do we let sex, lack of it, our individual quirks - all have such a big impact on our psyche?

IT'S JUST SEX. Almost everything on the planet does it but humans are the only ones who freak out about it.


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## arbitrator

GinnyTonia said:


> I guess I have to accept this as reality. It will probably help me to shake the icky feelings.
> 
> I wasn't trying to say anything negative about the guy. I was definitely giving off lusty signals. But you calling him a lout in my defense was touching and I appreciate it!


In my book, a lout is roughly defined as a person who puts his feelings way ahead of everybody elses; even greatly to the point that he doesn't care who he hurts, just so long as his physical needs are taken care of.

As a married/separated, divorcing man, I could go out, play the sympathy card and likely get into an intimate position with some lady who is just as sex-starved as I am, but my value system just seems to dictate otherwise, as I care way too much about ones feelings first and foremost.

I love sex just as much as the next guy, but I like "mutual attachment" to it. And in order to get that, I'm willing to make certain sacrifices so that I don't knowingly or unknowingly misrepresent myself or my feelings, so as not to hurt another person' feelings.

After all, while there is bliss in honesty, there is disfavor in deception!


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## arbitrator

GinnyTonia said:


> Attachment, I believe that's the thing that is making me stressed and feel icky.
> 
> Previously in this thread, I posted about a possible FWB situation in my life. Apparently, it fell through, I haven't heard from him in two weeks. But I haven't cared. Sure, we had a great time and I would still like see him, but other than that, I'm ambivalent. I know him better and he actually lives a LOT closer than ONS guy. The difference is I didn't sleep with FWB guy.
> 
> Considering my HD, I wonder if I also produce more oxytocin than average after the big O.
> 
> You're a good guy Arb.
> 
> You said something about signals earlier. I think I know what you're talking about intuitively, but could you please articulate specific examples?



During the preliminaries to sex, one person may well send overt verbal signals,(they tell you they love you, want to be there for you forever, there's no one else in the world for them, you are the absolute best that they've ever had, et. al.) all being done in fairly short order. These are often well-intended falsehoods coming from them to help one open up to the possibility of having relations with them~ in essence, they are well-meaning "lies!"

This can also be done from a covert, non-verbal format as well. These are as subtle as physical contact such as massage or rubbing from someone that a person hasn't even known for a couple of hours. That signal is sent greatly with the intent that the other person is psychological or physiologically weak enough that they might respond vis-a-vis the given physical stimulation.

It can also be done from just the admiration of how the person is put together physically, whether they are stunningly beautiful or handsome.

There's just a plethora of these so-called "signals" that be overtly or covertly conveyed and then acted on by the intended recipient!

That's pretty much all that I really meant!


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## EnjoliWoman

Sex with someone you have a deep connection with is so much more fulfilling. 

But sometimes sex fills another purpose like physical release, reassurance, need for physical touch, etc. 

There are lots of reasons to have sex - just don't beat yourself up if it's not because of a deep emotional connection and desire to express love and appreciation for that person.


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## vi_bride04

EnjoliWoman said:


> There are lots of reasons to have sex - just don't beat yourself up if it's not because of a deep emotional connection and desire to express love and appreciation for that person.


:iagree:


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## pastflame

Well I am told I am a relic, insecure and stuck in the 18th century! well... whatever!

My take on dating and sex is, you cant wait too long but you can have it too early!

It is pretty simple, it is up to you and your values, if you just want sex, go for it, who cares, all in easy come easy go, no strings! BUT, if you are looking for a life mate, marriage etc, be very careful, you never know the temperament or values of some people or, how they view things until years down the road and all the cards have been put on the table!


Sex should be a very important part of a "meaningful" relationship, if it was obtainable as easy as a handshake, thats the value it will carry.

If someone wants you and respects you, they will wait and it dont have to be months, there is this stupid idea that if you dont put out by the third date, you risk loosing them!! well good then goodbye! if someone cant wait long enough to get to know you rather than just having to feel the chemistry and that good enough, then they are not worth waisting time on, but people got to jump in the sack right away, and then wonder why they are single of trolling the date line all the time, people that want a meaning full relationship will secretly put huge importance on how easy you are, if you put out right away you just moved down to the fun time category list, not the serious list!

I found out my wife was very busy before we met, most of her sex she put out very easy 1st or second date, I found this out after we were in love, sex to me now is just a formality, I love her and find many more values in her which keep us together, but sex is like driving a rental, too many others have been in the drivers seat too often too easy. sorry but thats the value I put on the most intimate act two people can share with one another, I cant view it as a primeval animistic desire that we all need and should share because we are in the mood! otherwise we would still be dragging women to the cave from their hair! 

give the relationship a chance and dont wreck it with sex right away!!


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## Deejo

*Re: Dating &amp; sex - When to DO it*

If this is what works for you and is part of your 'code' than I think that is fine.

But I can tell you as someone that has dated regularly over 4 years that in my experience, it doesn't matter.

I've had sex on the first date and I've waited nearly 2 months. Timing doesn't make a whit of difference to me.

The 'when' of sex has had zero impact on the quality of the woman or outcome of the relationship.

At my age I'm not looking to be a serial dater.
Would love to find a woman to partner with long term. But I don't compromise. Nor do I expect the women I'm involved with to compromise.
In the meantime, I have no intention of remaining celibate while waiting for that match to come into my life. Had I done so, I would have remained sexless for a very long time.

And as a point of reference, haven't been intimate with anyone since last summer.

Choose your path, and follow it.


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