# Sexless Marriage - I Confronted Him - I Need Advice



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, TAM buddies - I need your help. I’m willing to take advice or input from anyone, but I’m really looking for some male input here. Please excuse the length, but to get proper advice, I need to not leave anything out.

I’ve already made my decision to stay in the marriage, for the time being, due to many issues concerning my husband’s health, etc., so any advice to leave would be fruitless for me at this point.

I really need advice on how to deal with the situation at hand, in the framework of the marriage, not outside of the marriage. 

From reading my previous threads, most of you are aware that my husband had a TBI and suffers from many physical and cognitive issues and takes several medications daily and also drinks, even though he is not supposed to.

This has caused a lot of problems, the main one, for me, being the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage. At this point, even though we are sexual intimate on occasion, I would classify my marriage as sexless.

He is a huge porn-hound (for lack of a better term), and it appears that this is not going to change anytime soon. 

I have gone from confronting him about his porn use (useless), to looking at his computer history, to snooping at his e-mail and anything I could think of at the time. I no longer do this as the only person that was becoming stressed was me.

I foolishly believed that he was not masturbating and this was just visual stimulation for him due to the ED issues caused by his TBI, meds and drinking. I was wrong. I actually walked in on him about a week or so ago and he was going at it but didn’t know that I had entered the room as he had his eyes closed. This was a particular evening when he couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t either and I actually walked in on him several times and he was trying to masturbate pretty much all night long and it would not cooperate – guess you have to give him an A+ for perseverance. Interestingly enough, he was not on the computer and there was no porn on it or the TV, it was just him on the couch. I did not confront him, at the time, or say anything about what I walked in on. 

This past weekend I was at the end of my rope, sexually, and finally confronted him with everything – things I have kept to myself and things I knew that he wasn’t aware of that I knew, etc. I calmly (at first), stated that I knew he was viewing porn everyday, that I knew about the live web cams and sex chat sites (livejasmin and xhamster), that I knew that he was visiting sex dating sites (this was in the past mainly, but he has viewed a couple recently, but no profiles), and that I didn’t and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t touch me, especially because he had previously told me that SEX was not his #1 priority – that recovery from his TBI was – due to his porn use this is apparently not true.

I asked him to please tell me why he wouldn’t have sex with me and what the real issue was. I told him that I really wanted to know and that it didn’t matter if it hurt my feelings – that I deserved to know because I couldn’t work on or change something if I didn’t know what it was. He refused to answer, would not give me an answer of any kind, just remained silent.

Though he did adamantly deny any use of porn. Now mind you, he has downloaded it and burned it onto more than 1,000 DVDs that are stored in our computer room, in plain sight – but he denies viewing or using it (I guess they got downloaded via aliens). He actually looked me straight in the face and lied to me without even blinking. He could not and would not admit that he was viewing porn. He also denied masturbating, even though I confronted him with the fact that I walked in on him – he told me I was crazy and didn’t know what I was talking about. 

At this point, I got extremely angry and frustrated as the man was lying right to my face and trying to deflect the guilt by throwing in back on me that everything was my imagination.

I tried to explain to him how it made me feel, that he preferred porn to me – that I couldn’t and wouldn’t compete with the internet and that it wasn’t fair to me that I didn’t even know what the actual issue was because he wouldn’t talk to me. I told him that I was not only willing to do what he wanted in the bedroom but that I actually had – actions instead of words, so I didn’t understand why he was continuing to reject me. I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t live in a sexless marriage forever and that there would be consequences if this was the route that he was going to continue to take. That perked him up – he actually wanted to know what the consequences were. I told him that I had not made a decision as to exactly what I was going to do – but that I had to do something if this is where we were headed long-term. 

I also mentioned to him that I thought he had a porn addiction. That I had done research and the constant use of porn and masturbation instead of sexual intimacy with your partner was a sign that there might be a porn addiction. No response.

He would not tell me what the real issues were except to say “I’ve told you before and you don’t listen. When I wanted sex, you weren’t available, now that you want it – well, I’m older now, have issues and it’s just too bad.”

I’m not sure what he is referring to as I have never rejected him – but he believes that I have and no matter what is said by myself, or our MC, he won’t move off this stand, he actually believes this happened, even though it didn’t. I even went so far as to accept responsibility for something I didn’t do and asked him to forgive me just so we could move forward and he said he couldn’t.

Another possible issue, he casually mentioned one day (a couple of months ago), that I was “too pretty to be carrying that around.” I didn’t know what he was talking about until he mentioned my stomach. I have to admit it is pretty gross as I have hanging, excess skin that actually covers my pubic area and lies on the top of my thighs – he said that it was gross and that he couldn’t help it but he couldn’t stand to look at it. I offered to start covering it up, but he said that wouldn’t work. I did accuse him of being shallow to which he admitted that he was and couldn’t help it. None of this was said with malice and I took it quite well and acknowledged that I understood. Surgery has been approved and will be scheduled next month to take care of this issue – it will no longer be an issue by the summer.

For the first time in a while, I did look at his computer history after the confrontation this weekend. I discovered that he wasn’t on porn for two days after the confrontation, but he couldn’t sleep last night and was back on it. I think what hurts the most is the live web cams (one way, we don’t have one) and live sex chats – these almost feel like cheating to me as these people are live and not just images on a DVD. I also brought this up to him during the confrontation – but he denied even knowing what they were.

My attractiveness, as his wife, does not appear to be an issue (besides my stomach). He frequently tells me I'm pretty, that he loves my boobs, etc., but won't come near me.

So, what I’m looking for is some men to put themselves into my husband’s shoes, with the scenarios I’ve laid out above and give me some idea as to what he may be thinking and what, if anything, I can do at this point.

Some of my questions are:

- Is the perceived resentment he’s holding that I rejected him for years and he is now doing tit for tat part of the issue? If so, how do I overcome this?

- Is my stomach part of the issue? He has mentioned that it grosses him out. Once the surgery is complete, what happens if this is NOT the issue and things don’t change?

- Is the porn the REAL problem or are there underlying issues that he won’t talk about, other than what I’ve listed above? What do I do if I can’t get him to talk about them? I’ve tried myself, with our MC and nothing is working.

- Are the numerous disagreements and fights over the past few months the problem? Has he emotionally disconnected from me because he feels I’ve been a ***** and that’s why he won’t come near me as he doesn’t feel connected to me? If so, what do I do to bring back this connection (I’m working diligently on the *****y part).

- Patience is not one of my virtues. How long should I be patient, while he works out his demons and I work out my own?

- If he no longer feels like a man due to the ED issues and TBI, how do I get around this and bring him back to me? Since he knows that drinking makes everything worse – why is he still doing it – is it because it gives him an “excuse” to not be intimate with me – such as – hey, look – it doesn’t work – sorry. How can I, as his wife, help get him past this? Could this be the biggest issue and he’s embarrassed to discuss it with me? 

- Why is he embarrassed to admit that he is looking at porn and masturbating? This was never an issue in the past – he used to masturbate for me to it. Why the change? Due to his TBI? ED? Me?

I’m really looking for some sound advice here. I’ve decided to stay and try to work this out, I’m too damn stubborn to leave. But nothing I’m trying is working and I’m running out of ideas. 

I’ve read the Five Love Languages – just haven’t figured his out yet, he wouldn’t take the quiz. I’m part of several free marriage help websites and read their e-mails and advice daily (including one about sexless marriages). I’ve downloaded and purchased several e-books and paperbacks and have read them cover-to-cover. I am in counseling and we are both in marriage counseling – what else can I do besides practice patience and continue to take care of myself?

Thanks for your time and attention, I really do appreciate it – I need some shoulders to lean on.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Views and no advice?

Come on guys - I'm not asking you if you have the same problem and it doesn't even matter if you do/don't or haven't experienced what I'm going through.

I'm asking you to put YOURSELF in his shoes and see things from his advantage and help me here.

Please...


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

You have read my post so you know I am not an Authority on a successful marriage but I am going to jump in with my .02 worth.

All of these abbreviations are killing me on this site... 
In my military career, TBI = Tramatic Brain Injury. Sorry, I haven't gone back to look through your other posts. Is that how you are using it too?

I think that if TBI is Tramatic Brain Injury then all of your questions are hard to answer. We can only answer from a non injured brain point of view and it could be 180 degrees from what's really happening.



> - Is the perceived resentment he’s holding that I rejected him for years and he is now doing tit for tat part of the issue? If so, how do I overcome this?


If he really feels that you neglected him for years, the resentment could have definitely killed his drive. I’m dealing with that right now. 



> - Is my stomach part of the issue? He has mentioned that it grosses him out. Once the surgery is complete, what happens if this is NOT the issue and things don’t change?


I can’t imagine that the loose skin would really be a major issue. For me, it could be hanging down to your toes and if I really loved you, I’d look past it. Assuming it is purely cosmetic, DO NOT HAVE THE SURGERY JUST FOR HIM! The expense and pain will not be worth it if he leaves you. I am pretty sure that the surgery is mostly for you though.



> - Is the porn the REAL problem or are there underlying issues that he won’t talk about, other than what I’ve listed above? What do I do if I can’t get him to talk about them? I’ve tried myself, with our MC and nothing is working.


“Is porn the REAL problem” Are you asking if we think he prefers porn over you? I don’t think so. *most* men look at porn for the visual pleasure. Having a real body next to them is *usually* much preferred since the tactile, scent, taste sensations are much better. ED is a major issue I think. I know that if I couldn’t get an erection then I’d have serious emotional issues. I wouldn’t want to be physically intimate with my wife knowing that I couldn’t perform.



> - Are the numerous disagreements and fights over the past few months the problem? Has he emotionally disconnected from me because he feels I’ve been a ***** and that’s why he won’t come near me as he doesn’t feel connected to me? If so, what do I do to bring back this connection (I’m working diligently on the *****y part).


If I read your other posts (if you mention the fight details in them), I might be more able to answer this. I’ll do that once I post this. My initial response would be that a few months of being a ***** shouldn’t cause long term resentment/disconnect unless you were really ruthless (belittling him about his ED etc..)



> - Patience is not one of my virtues. How long should I be patient, while he works out his demons and I work out my own?


That is 100% your call, nobody can tell you what your threshold should be. I’ve waited nearly 15 years at this point for my wife to work out hers. Just now getting close to my threshold. Other friends have told me they would have left after 1 or 2 years.



> - If he no longer feels like a man due to the ED issues and TBI, how do I get around this and bring him back to me? Since he knows that drinking makes everything worse – why is he still doing it – is it because it gives him an “excuse” to not be intimate with me – such as – hey, look – it doesn’t work – sorry. How can I, as his wife, help get him past this? Could this be the biggest issue and he’s embarrassed to discuss it with me?


Time, Personal and Alcohol Counseling are the only answers here. 



> - Why is he embarrassed to admit that he is looking at porn and masturbating? This was never an issue in the past – he used to masturbate for me to it. Why the change? Due to his TBI? ED? Me?


Could the TBI actually be causing memory/personality disorder issues? He could also be frustrated at his inability to perform by himself.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I really do not know what to tell you, other than I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It seems quite the cycle. 

I can give you a little advice as to what I think, just remember, its just an opinion. 

Since you have clearly stated you wont be leaving or not right now anyway, here is my thought based on you staying. I do not know why for sure and can't speak for him as to what the real issue(s) might be regarding him looking at all the porn and rejecting you. It could be a mixture of things. 

He may have addictions (which it seems to me he does) and it may have to do with your stomach as you even mentioned. Resentment on his end for whatever reason is a high possibility as well.

I also understand because of his medical issues there are things he might not can help and may be beyond his control. However, there are some things that I think he can help, and he can get a handle on with proper intervention for drinking, porn etc. Of course he will have to truly want that to stop and to want to seek help. Maybe thats part of the problem, maybe he doesn't want to seek help and stop. 

I do believe people can change, if they want to. Maybe he is afraid, who knows for sure. Change is scary for some people. I know you do not want to hear this, and I'm in no way saying it to hurt you feelings or make you mad. However, unless he is 100% committed to working on his issues, and I do mean ALL issues, not only within himself and the marriage as a whole, then chances are this is your life with him. Its your life with him because not only did you choose to stay, BUT because he chose to NOT seek further help and work on his issues within and in the marriage. I'm not saying leave, I'm saying unless he starts working on the things he can control on a consistant basis, then this is how its probably going to be. The thing is, you truly do not know if he will of if he wont, so therefore you hold onto hope, which is fine, but after awhile you have to ask yourself is this false hope or not, and how long do you hold on till you make up in your mind you no longer want to live like this. 

Its just my 2 cents, nothing more, nothing less.


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## ClevelandStve (Mar 28, 2011)

OK, I have a little bit of experience if you're talking about a Traumatic Brain Injury....

Breaking down his problems...potential alcoholism and on medications. I don't know what the meds are, but they could have sexual side effects. For some men, porn has the advantage that porn doesn't make you feel inadequate if you can't ejaculate due to either meds or self-esteem issues. Tied up with a history of feeling rejected...not a good combination. The worry of rejection COULD also explain his telling you he doesn't masturbate might be a way of him saving face and not feeling ashamed of himself. 

If you've decided to stick around, I say get into counseling soon if you haven't already.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I know you were looking more for advice from guys, but I was just wondering, since you both are in counseling, what has the counselors suggested for him and what have they suggested for you to try? 

If you have tried things the counselors have suggested, then what do they say if they know you have tried those things and they did not work, do they make other suggestions? 

I hate to see you going through this. My mother in law will be 80 years old in July. She has told me numerous times she wonders what her life would have been like had she made different choices. I guess we all may think that when we are older. Even though her husband didn't have the issues your husband has as far as the brain issues and thing he can't help, her life with him wasn't a pleasant one and now she suffers greatly from depression because of her choices. (Her words)

Yes, thats just my mother in law, but I just don't want for you to be 70 or 80 years old and wonder, what if? However, I also want things to work out for you and your husband, so its hard I'm sure.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Views and no advice?
> 
> Come on guys - I'm not asking you if you have the same problem and it doesn't even matter if you do/don't or haven't experienced what I'm going through.
> 
> ...


I can't really put myself in his shoes though since I haven't gone through the things he as. However, I'm more on your end, the receiving end of all the issues. 

I can't tell you why he may be or may not be doing X Y Z. Only he knows, and maybe he doesn't even fully know himself. 

I just know you have got to take care of YOU. My first wife was a bad drug addict. No, she didn't have the issues your husband has as far as some of the things he can't help. BUT what was so hard for me with her, was the fact she gave me a bunch of empty promises that I believed, because I loved her and part of me felt sorry for her. 

She gave me, what I call and what I have read about, "false hope." She did this, by making promises to do this or that. She told me she would stop. She loved, me wanted to change and get help. She wanted the marriage to work, etc. She would stop things (or so I thought) temporarily to make me think she was trying, and that things were in fact going to work out. 

This kind of thing would happen right often and I would react the same way. Get excited and got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, this was the time, the time that it would all come together. The marriage would work, and we would be happy. She was a good manipulator. Most addicts are. I can not tell you how many times I was disappointed. 

I got tired of trying, I got tired of waiting for her to do her part in the marriage and for herself. It took a big toll, I was drained and wore out, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I could no longer stand by and watch her destroy herself and what was left of our marriage. I could no longer hold on to that "false hope." Only you can decide when that might be. 

I entered into a NA program for people who were involved with a loved one who was a drug addict. It helped alot and helped me see things better. I learned to detach with love and do my own thing. Build up my self again because I lost so much of myself trying to be a addicts caretaker. After awhile I decided to call it quits. She had not changed, she just kept feeding me empty promises of change. And even though deep down she may have really wanted to change, she never took the iniaitive to actually try. She just wanted me to think she was going to, so I wouldn't go anywhere and leave. It worked for awhile. That's how manipulators work. They tell you what you want to hear at the time and make you believe they will do this or that, to keep you hanging on, only for them to let you down again by continuing on with their behavior. 

This was years ago this happened. The last I heard she had moved on and gotten involved with someone else, and she still is doing drugs. I truly believe she will end up dead and surprised she hasn't already. 

I do not know what to tell you, other than I'm sorry, and my wish for you is to either move on and find some kind of peace in your life or for things to work out for you and your husband. No one should to just wait and wonder their life away to see if another person is going to change or not. AND trust me, even though you may detach at times from his behavior, as long as he is still doing some of this behaviors, it WILL always effect you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

That's a tough situation. As a guy, I'll just answer on instinct, but they could just be guesses. Sadly, one of my good friends had long term diabetes, and when he described the pain of how it affected him, I literally had to go straight home to erase the image from my memory by proving myself.

My initial gut instinct is that he's afraid of the ED. This is a huge fear for some men, like my friend. He's persistant when you caught him alone. Very persistant. Wants it, but the gears aren't clicking. You've seen him at his worst in life, and he knows that, so you have the leverage to humiliate him, if you treated him like he fears that he deserves. If he starts with you, and nothing happens, he's not sure that he can handle it. Would you mock him? May be what he thinks he deserves. Go ahead and poke his eye out if you want to know the level of fear this could cause to some people. Some guys aren't equipped with the emotional maturity to handle this type of situation.

If you think this might be close to what's going on, maybe offer a no pressure approach. Say hey, I just want to feel the closeness for a second. I know the medical problems are scary, so lets just take it slow. Remove his fear, and the problem might go away. You will have to be a saint to do this.

Maybe you disagree, but the porn is the absolute last thing he needs now. Its only raising his threshold to levels that put the real world out of the ball park. In his mind, though, he's proving that it can generate a response. Maybe tell him you will help him, but you gotta take the scissors to the power cord of the computer.

If that's not at all the case, and nothing else works, I'm wondering if you need to go nuclear on him. More like a last ditch plan. Something has to shake him up, though, and it sees like he took the bait when you gave the vague threat. Inform him that the consequences are that you will stay with him, but he will be excised from your personal life with surgical precision. You won't even talk about the options at the time, but they could be that you will deliberately meet these needs one way or another, and you know exactly how to do it. You don't want to hear his whining, either.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> I really do not know what to tell you, other than I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It seems quite the cycle.
> 
> I can give you a little advice as to what I think, just remember, its just an opinion.
> 
> ...



He is in counseling, so am I and we are together. 

But he won't discuss his alcohol use, porn use or lack of sexual intimacy - these subjects appear to be off subject and he won't address them with his counselor alone or us together.

That makes it difficult for me - because he won't actually tell me what the real issues are - I just get crumbs here and there.

He knows there are issues because he will frequently tell me that he loves me, he knows that he's messed up, he knows he's not the type of husband he should be and that he's sorry.

So he does know and even acknowledges himself - but either can't change (because his brain is now too mixed up), or doesn't know how, won't reach out for more help than he's already getting or he's scared and won't admit it.

I don't know - I just know that I'm out of options and I need to try or do something different, what I'm doing isn't working.

But I am taking care of myself.

I look like I did when he married me (weight-wise), let my hair grow, started tanning again (yeah I like it), am dressing good, been told by quite a few people that I AM looking good. And shortly I will have the surgery to return my body back to what it used to look like - skin wise.

Maybe that's part of the problem - I am looking and feeling better and he's afraid I will leave and so if he pushes me and pushes me, then I'll go and it can fulfill the prophecy of him thinking I'm going to anyway.

I just don't know anymore.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> But he won't discuss his alcohol use, porn use or lack of sexual intimacy - these subjects appear to be off subject and he won't address them with his counselor alone or us together
> 
> I don't know - I just know that I'm out of options and I need to try or do something different, what I'm doing isn't working.



Him not discussing the problem with his counselors is likely why things are not changing in that area. As long as he will not fully acknowledge this, its not likely to change. 

Personally I'm not so sure why you're trying so hard and need to try something different, its not you that needs to be doing all the trying here.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Views and no advice?
> 
> Come on guys - I'm not asking you if you have the same problem and it doesn't even matter if you do/don't or haven't experienced what I'm going through.
> 
> ...


When someone so obviously lies about their real behavior for so long you have to suspect that the very air in the room is tainted.

He is so desperate to hide his problem he is driving away the one person who can actually help him.

It is more important to him to deny the problems than to resolve them. For whatever reason he thinks the airing of the problems is worse than the problems.

Classic.

Nothing unique about that because he has a brain injury.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> I know you were looking more for advice from guys, but I was just wondering, since you both are in counseling, what has the counselors suggested for him and what have they suggested for you to try?
> 
> If you have tried things the counselors have suggested, then what do they say if they know you have tried those things and they did not work, do they make other suggestions?
> 
> ...


I have tried what our counselor suggested (I spoke to him about this alone, my husband would not talk about it when we were together).

He suggested taking the pressure off, sex isn't important - you are, etc.

I did that - for months literally and nothing changed. We still weren't intimate, but the porn use raged on.

Up until this began after his TBI, I wasn't in counseling, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't on medications. I can't say that anymore, the stress has pushed me into all three.

He knows he has issues, he'll admit those (expect for the porn use - that's not happening - according to him). He is in two support groups a week (anger and PTSD), goes to individual counseling and goes to counseling together with me.

But when HE won't truly discuss what those issues are, how can it be worked out - it's almost like he thinks if he ignores it, it will go away??

I'm beginning to think that his brain damage is a lot more extensive than any of us truly know.

And I can "deal" with that - it's the after-affects of the damage that I'm having a hard time dealing with, thus the reason I'm here.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> When someone so obviously lies about their real behavior for so long you have to suspect that the very air in the room is tainted.
> 
> He is so desperate to hide his problem he is driving away the one person who can actually help him.
> 
> ...


Okay - I'll bite.

So what can I do to help?

Why is he so desperate? Embarrassment, fear of failure, what?

I'm willing to help as much as I can, but I don't know what to do anymore.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Wow....if he is masturbating, he could be making love to you...I think his problem is that he is no longer in love with you. I mean, my wife had the same issues with the stomach and never was a problem for me, actually she had even a hernia, it was pretty ugly and she was very much aware of it, but never, never said anything to her, on the contrary, I would kiss it and care for it....I mean this is love....you love your husband very much but he doesn't love you back - you should not be going through this is you are the only one fighting for this.....GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM, and try to have a break, at least, from him.....

I may not be what you want to hear, but for the length of your writing, I can tell you hurt a lot by this....you should have never heard from someone who loves you that something is gross on you...it just doesn't add up!.....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - I'll bite.
> 
> So what can I do to help?
> 
> ...


Whatever it is it is so deeply rooted he can't even talk about it in marriage counseling or IC.

There is practically nothing you can do about it. Plus, you don't even have him pay any price for it since you wont leave him.

So you are stuck in this lousy place.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Him not discussing the problem with his counselors is likely why things are not changing in that area. As long as he will not fully acknowledge this, its not likely to change.
> 
> Personally I'm not so sure why you're trying so hard and need to try something different, its not you that needs to be doing all the trying here.


I agree, it's not me that needs to do the trying.

But he's damaged - his brain has been injured - how much of this is being caused by that versus being caused by him just being an selfish a**hole?

His neuro-psychologist says its all due to the brain injury. That I have to lower my expectations, work within his limitations or leave. I've decided I'm just not ready to leave yet - I can't, I love him, I feel sorry for him and I feel (at this time) that it's my job, as his wife, to help him as much as possible.

I know it may be a lost cause - but I've got to do everything within my own power.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"I'm beginning to think that his brain damage is a lot more extensive than any of us truly know."

You could ask his doctors about this. Even they may not know for sure how far his brain damage goes. 

However, I guess it would be good if the doctors could actually say, "His brain damage is so far gone even his porn and alcohol use will never get better because of his brain damage." At least then you would have a better and more clear picture of why he can't or doesn't want to deal with those issues, but thats likely not going to happen.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

ClevelandStve said:


> OK, I have a little bit of experience if you're talking about a Traumatic Brain Injury....
> 
> Breaking down his problems...potential alcoholism and on medications. I don't know what the meds are, but they could have sexual side effects. For some men, porn has the advantage that porn doesn't make you feel inadequate if you can't ejaculate due to either meds or self-esteem issues. Tied up with a history of feeling rejected...not a good combination. The worry of rejection COULD also explain his telling you he doesn't masturbate might be a way of him saving face and not feeling ashamed of himself.
> 
> If you've decided to stick around, I say get into counseling soon if you haven't already.



He's already admitted to me that he has a self-image issue.

He stated that WE both have them, but we just handle them differently.

I do it by building myself up, taking care of myself, dressing nicely, looking good.

Maybe his way is to keep to himself, try to work out his own issues, reject me so he doesn't feel like a failure when he does fail, and keep on the porn because they can't make him feel like a failure because they don't meet.

I don't know - trying to psycho-analyze him here and I apparently suck at it if I haven't figured it out by this time.

We are already in counseling - we have a great counselor, we really do - but it's not getting through to my husband - it has to me, I've made great strides - but not him.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"how much of this is being caused by that versus being caused by him just being an selfish a**hole?"

this is this 64,000 dollar question. This is what you should ask the doctors. If they look at you and say, the alcohol/porn part is selfishness not from brain damage, then you will need to sit down and see what you are willing to do with that info.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

I'm a guy. Let me share with you my situation and see if this might fit you.

My wife will, with 100% certainty, be able to tell everyone she has never denied me sex. And she hasn't. In years gone by when I would turn on the romance she would flat out ignore me. This would cause me to come out with more overt sexual advances which would also be flatly ignored. As if I weren't there saying or doing things. As if I didn't exist.

Eventually we came to talk about this and she told me that if I wanted sex, all I had to do is come up to her and ask her for sex.

Really, just walk up to her and say, "I want sex." Looking back now, I know this sounded just absurd to her as it did to me. There is no way in hell my sex life would be reduced to basically hat in hand begging. This did two things, 1) she knew I would never ever ask in that way and 2) she could continue to play stupid and ignore the romancing and overt advances.

My wife has told in the last few years that she could probably go the rest of her life without sex. Without saying exactly this, she is basically spreading her legs to keep me happy ever 4 to 8 weeks.

This morning, on the way to work I had a revelation. I realized, for the first time ever, than I no longer want to have sex with my wife. It took some 5 years of constant rejection until I flat out don't give a *(#% any more.

The worst part is, it is time for my bi-monthly feeding and this morning she was going through her routine like it was feeding time for our cat (where I play the part of the cat) and I realized that I'm not totally turned off by any thought of sleeping with her. Oh, I still have the same sex drive I had when I was 18, but I want absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her.

For me, with my sex drive still what it was when I was 18 all those years of rejection took their toll. I found my balls about two years ago and I've been working on improving myself. That involved a lot of introspective reflection for me. I love my wife. Like a sister, but no longer like a wife.

Look back on your past. Maybe you didn't see your husbands advances because you didn't want to, or maybe you did but chose to ignore them. A person can only take so much of that.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> "I'm beginning to think that his brain damage is a lot more extensive than any of us truly know."
> 
> You could ask his doctors about this. Even they may not know for sure how far his brain damage goes.
> 
> However, I guess it would be good if the doctors could actually say, "His brain damage is so far gone even his porn and alcohol use will never get better because of his brain damage." At least then you would have a better and more clear picture of why he can't or doesn't want to deal with those issues, but thats likely not going to happen.



They're not sure how extensive it is.

But when I report different behaviors, they point to this, to that, etc.

Even they have said the brain is a funny thing and they can't pinpoint everything that is going on - they can just diagnose what might be happening to what part of his brain based on behaviors.

They do believe he has damage to his hypothalamus (which is impulse control and sexual behaviors, etc.) - might be the reason why he decided he was bi-sexual (after the TBI), why the porn use has ramped up - why he can't seem to stop it even though he is aware of how much pain it is causing, etc.

They also believe there is damage to his frontal lobe (the one also called the executive decision area).

I don't know - I just know that this is the hardest, most difficult thing I've ever gone through in my life.

I don't want to fail - I don't want us to fail - not over this.

I'm/we are being tested - and I'm not going to let this ruin a 27-year relationship. I'm just not, it's not in me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Boogsie said:


> I'm a guy. Let me share with you my situation and see if this might fit you.
> 
> My wife will, with 100% certainty, be able to tell everyone she has never denied me sex. And she hasn't. In years gone by when I would turn on the romance she would flat out ignore me. This would cause me to come out with more overt sexual advances which would also be flatly ignored. As if I weren't there saying or doing things. As if I didn't exist.
> 
> ...



I can definitely see what kind of resentment issue that would cause.

But I never had outright rejected him - ever. In fact, I've always been a high-sex drive wife - still am.

My husband began rejecting me first - not the other way around - and when I first confronted him, he said it was due to all my rejection in the past - what? I've NEVER rejected him - he has never approached me either physically or verbally and I've said - no, I don't feel like it, I'm too tired, etc. Because I never have been. The man rocks my world in the sack and always has -that hasn't changed.

I cannot for the life of me figure out where the rejection part is coming from - because it just plain out didn't happen. It was the other way around - he has flat-out, to my face rejected me and has been for a few years now. Due to that constant rejection, I did, for a time, completely quit approaching him for intimacy. I couldn't deal with the rejection anymore. I quit approaching, he quit approaching and we ended up in a stalemate.

I'm not sure that is the entire issue. If so, then why does he get excited and enjoy sex with me when we do have it? He has a good time, tells me I'm pretty, he likes this, he likes that. If he didn't desire me at all - then why bother?

I don't want to be his sister, I want to be his wife.

If he wants a sister, then he's going to have to find another wife.

I won't be used and I won't settle or be used to settle. Life is just too damn short.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Boogsie said:


> I'm a guy. Let me share with you my situation and see if this might fit you.
> 
> My wife will, with 100% certainty, be able to tell everyone she has never denied me sex. And she hasn't. In years gone by when I would turn on the romance she would flat out ignore me. This would cause me to come out with more overt sexual advances which would also be flatly ignored. As if I weren't there saying or doing things. As if I didn't exist.
> 
> ...


You know, I'm not a damn mind reader.

If he was making advances that were not overt - then how was I or how am I now supposed to know?

He is not romantic, doesn't just come up and hug me, etc. When he does reach out for me, I know its for sex and I respond. But he doesn't ask (never has) and is not overt in any other way that I can even remember or think of.

So if he was making advances, they were so subtle and unrecognizable that I couldn't have found them with a magnifying glass.

How does that make it my fault?

Because I don't have ESP?

Because I'm not a mind reader?

That's a cop-out in my opinion.

When I want sex, there is no doubt - I come on like a bulldozer - I don't expect my husband to "read my mind" and figure it out by some unknown way I shake my head, or if I hug him extra hard - come on.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

It seems alot of things go back to, or point towards his brain damage issues. Some of it may be just that, and some of it may be that's what people want to blame it all own. Even he is probably hoping everything he does or has done says or has said is due to brain issues, after all if that were the case, he would be free from owning any responsibility to anything and therefore he could excuse and justify his behavior till the cows come home, or anyone could I would imagine.

So, since the doctors do not know the extent of his brain issues, and what plays a role and what doesn't as far as some of his behaviors, then you will just have to weed out what YOU feel is not brain damage and what is , because right now you are, and will continue to drive yourself batty over what is and what is not.

You also keep saying you do not know what else to do, there is one thing it seems you haven't tried, but you said thats not an option, so looks like you're stuck, because its up to him now if he wants further help and to actually try to make a change. Its up to you to stay or go, and you have decided to make the same choice.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I agree, it's not me that needs to do the trying.
> 
> But he's damaged - his brain has been injured - how much of this is being caused by that versus being caused by him just being an selfish a**hole?


I can understand .. in sickness and in health. But I don't really entirely see what difference it makes if he is a selfish ahole because of the injury or not. He IS.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I have to wonder, maybe this is really no longer about what his issues are and why he isn't doing this and this about them, but more about why it is you stay. 

Has your counselor ever addressed with you why you do stay? Of course I assume your reasons to stay outweigh that of not staying. What are they?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You know, I'm not a damn mind reader.
> 
> If he was making advances that were not overt - then how was I or how am I now supposed to know?
> 
> ...


It's not your fault. He has decided that your needs are unimportant to him. You have gone through a lot over the last few months and I personally think this is a way of controlling you. You saw him masturbate. You know he has a sex drive. So that is out the way. Now we get to why he has no desire for you. From what you posted you have been taking care of him, looking out for his best interest in regards to the "situation" and have let him know how you feel with the lack of intimacy. He is being a pr!ck. I don't think he'll change. You've decided to live with that. Which is fine but I hope you find a way to lessen the effect his behavior has on you.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Why should he try to change anything? You are still there. Yes, it would be wonderful he would change some of his behaviors with you there, however, I do not think that is going to happen. He doesn't take you seriously. He knows you will always be there, always take care of him always put up with whatever he is willing to dish out. 

Detaching when you need to is good and wonderful, but sometimes taking it a step further is what people have to try sometimes to see if it works or not. Just him thinking about losing you isn't enough to make him do squat. And if it is, it probably would only be temporary.

I'm not saying leaving is the answer or not, but what do you have to lose? What if you left, but temporarily? I'm not saying head to divorce court, just leave and get away from the craziness for a bit. Let him do without you for awhile. No not a few hours while you go to the mall either. Do the one thing you think you can not do. It might not make a difference, but then again, it might!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I can understand .. in sickness and in health. But I don't really entirely see what difference it makes if he is a selfish ahole because of the injury or not. He IS.


You're right.

So because I've decided to stay, for now - any good advice on how to deal with it so I don't end up in a nut house again (which BTW, I spent a week in last year because of all this crap).


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I have to wonder, maybe this is really no longer about what his issues are and why he isn't doing this and this about them, but more about why it is you stay.
> 
> Has your counselor ever addressed with you why you do stay? Of course I assume your reasons to stay outweigh that of not staying. What are they?


#1 - I love this man - sometimes can't figure out why, but I do.

#2 - I feel sorry for his situation (the TBI).

#3 - I vowed to stand beside him in sickness and in health and I can't make myself leave (I've tried).

#4 - No one, and I mean no one has ever made me feel the way he does when he holds me, when he touches me - it's like there is no one else in the world.

#5 - I feel safe when he's around (I know this one may sound crazy - but I do).

#6 - I need him (for what right now, I don't know), but just the thought of him not being around makes my heart actually hurt. 

While those reasons may not be good enough for some of you, they mean the world to me and they ARE the reasons that I have not been able to leave - right or wrong.

It has nothing to do with me not being able to support myself - I can - I make more than he does, I'm the primary breadwinner.

It has nothing to do with me not being able to attract another man - I already have.

It has nothing to do with me being alone - I don't have issues with that and never have.

It has nothing to do with losing everything I have or having to divide it down the middle - material things are not a big deal to me - he could have it all if he wanted.

It just plain boils down to the fact that I love this man dearly, I've invested a lot of sweat, blood and tears in this relationship and I just can't walk away - not at this point. 

So now what??


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You're right.
> 
> So because I've decided to stay, for now - any good advice on how to deal with it so I don't end up in a nut house again (which BTW, I spent a week in last year because of all this crap).


Honestly. Get to your counselor and find out what is preventing you from dumping him like a hot rock. If I were you, I would be looking at if there was some kind of core dysfunction in me and my mental health.

That said, I would basically tell him that if he is not even willing to discuss it with honesty, forget about deal with it, that I am going to provide the practical elements of room-mate, friend and care taker and get the rest met elsewhere.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> It seems alot of things go back to, or point towards his brain damage issues. Some of it may be just that, and some of it may be that's what people want to blame it all own. Even he is probably hoping everything he does or has done says or has said is due to brain issues, after all if that were the case, he would be free from owning any responsibility to anything and therefore he could excuse and justify his behavior till the cows come home, or anyone could I would imagine.
> 
> So, since the doctors do not know the extent of his brain issues, and what plays a role and what doesn't as far as some of his behaviors, then you will just have to weed out what YOU feel is not brain damage and what is , because right now you are, and will continue to drive yourself batty over what is and what is not.
> 
> You also keep saying you do not know what else to do, there is one thing it seems you haven't tried, but you said thats not an option, so looks like you're stuck, because its up to him now if he wants further help and to actually try to make a change. Its up to you to stay or go, and you have decided to make the same choice.


And that's the problem.

When I bring these issues up with my counselor (who is also his and ours), who is a neuro-psychologist - he tells me that they are all one in the same. That his brain issues affect everything - not just one thing and that my picking and choosing what is/is not within his control is the wrong way to go about it. He's actually been trying to pound this into my head for more than a year. That I can't separate the two - they are one in the same. That my husband is not the man he used to be and never will be and that I need to accept that and adjust my expectations if I intend to stay in the marriage.

Okay - I can do that - but how? This is where the disconnect is for me. How do I adjust my expectations and still get what I need to get out of this marriage from him? I can lower them, I can adjust to the man he is now versus the man he used to be - but how? What do I do, how do I change my thinking?

Everyone in the entire free world that knows our issues and what happened to my husband has offered advice - take care of yourself, concentrate on you being happy, etc. But how do I do that and balance the fact that I do have to be his part-time caregiver and live my own life and create my own happiness and get what I need, give him what he needs, etc.

This is all just TOO MUCH for one person to take. I'm just one very tired 50 year old woman that is trying to hold up everything on my shoulders with no help. I have no family in this area, no real support system - in fact, you guys here on TAM are the biggest support system I have and you don't even really know me - isn't that a hoot!

Just give me some how - how do I balance it all without resentment, fear and a sense of is this what life is all about?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I would check out services that can provide a CNA to come in and help him with his ADLs (activities of daily living) so that you no longer need to...if that is what the current situation is. It might help take a burden from you and be better for him that you aren't being his personal care provider. 
Maybe see if you qualify for a respite program so you can go away for a weekend (even if just to a friends house or the hotel down the street).
Sadly, I only know about programs in my county, but ask around and see if anyone knows of something.

Please do not sacrifice your health and wellbeing for him when he won't even admit the problems.

The sad thing I've learned in life is that you can't fix everyone and can't make people get better.

Good luck to you! (((hug)))


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You know, I'm not a damn mind reader.
> 
> If he was making advances that were not overt - then how was I or how am I now supposed to know?
> 
> ...


It isn't your fault. And I know you aren't a mind reader. There are a thousand ways to blatantly say, "I want sex." without walking up to your husband / wife and saying, "Hey, I want sex." 

I was just asking a question. It sounds as though you have been all about a good sex life. More power too you. I wish some of that had rubbed off on my own wife. Color me jealous.

I know what my problem, but I haven't a clue as to your H's problem.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Honestly. Get to your counselor and find out what is preventing you from dumping him like a hot rock. If I were you, I would be looking at if there was some kind of core dysfunction in me and my mental health.
> 
> That said, I would basically tell him that if he is not even willing to discuss it with honesty, forget about deal with it, that I am going to provide the practical elements of room-mate, friend and care taker and get the rest met elsewhere.


I have spoke with my counselor about this issue, extensively in fact.

Apparently I am not alone.

A serious accident/injury in a family can cause everything I'm going through and more and worse. I actually don't have it all that bad - apparently there is worse going on in other families who have had a family member with a serious injury. 

My counselor, who I love and has helped a lot, has told me time and time again that a LOT of what is happening is due to my husband's injury. That it's not an excuse or something he uses to get away with things. That brain injuries can do extremely funny things to a person and completely swap out their personalities, behaviors, thought processes, etc.

And a lot of this has happened. 

Prior to the injury my husband was straight, by his own admittance.

After the injury - he now says he's bi-sexual.

Prior to the injury he had empathy for other people and was concerned about others feelings (mainly mine).

Now, he is focused on himself only - he is #1 (counselor says this is not uncommon).

Prior to the injury he was motivated, kept himself busy, accomplished things.

Now, he is depressed - no motivation and sometimes can't even get himself to do his favorite thing - fish.

Prior to the injury he spent time golfing, spent time in activities with other people, we used to go to New Year Eve parties, etc.

Now, he doesn't golf (only twice in 2.5 years), does not like to be around crowds, has no friends anymore, we don't go to parties or anything like we used to.

Just a few examples - a lot of things have changed. He's not the same person, but unfortunately I am.

So my counselor has said I need to adjust if I intend to stay. His recommendation, as far as the intimacy situation was concerned was to leave and/or get a lover. Not a choice for me - if I intend to get a lover, then I need to leave - I do not have the emotional fortitude to juggle both - just not my style.

You've got to remember that even though you or others would say "I would leave in a heartbeat" - if you were ACTUALLY faced with what I am faced with, your choice might not be so simple.

I'm just asking for ways to help handle the situation without losing my sanity in the process. Just some suggestions that can help me deal with it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm just asking for ways to help handle the situation without losing my sanity in the process. Just some suggestions that can help me deal with it.


The reason you are having such a hard time with getting advice on this is that you have put anything that might be successful on the simply cannot do list. Perhaps there ISN'T any way for you to deal with this under the constraints you have put on yourself.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Boogsie said:


> It isn't your fault. And I know you aren't a mind reader. There are a thousand ways to blatantly say, "I want sex." without walking up to your husband / wife and saying, "Hey, I want sex."
> 
> I was just asking a question. It sounds as though you have been all about a good sex life. More power too you. I wish some of that had rubbed off on my own wife. Color me jealous.
> 
> I know what my problem, but I haven't a clue as to your H's problem.


Thanks - didn't mean to get over-stimulated here. I truly wasn't trying to dump on you for providing advice - I'm sorry.

But this is the same crap I've heard from him and I'm not going there.

I'm not perfect, by no means, but I've never used sex as a weapon and never will - I enjoy it too much. My first marriage didn't break up over sex, it broke up because I got tired of getting the s*** beat out of me on a regular basis.

One thing I did say/do that was probably below the belt when I had the confrontation this weekend was - when he lied to be about the porn, etc. I said to him "you know, when I get my surgery, my body is going to look hot and maybe some other man will be attracted to me." He looked at me and said - "thanks for throwing that up in my face, thanks a lot." It appeared to really bother him.

So I think he is scared that I am actually going to leave him. But then he threatens to leave me. When I confronted him this weekend he said - "I'm going to leave you if you keep this up, I can't take this anymore, I have too much to worry about with all my issues, I can't worry about yours too."

So I don't know - it's all just so crazy and just so a mess and I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time.

He's depressed. Can't sleep well, drinks too much, is angry and sad all the time, eats too much, doesn't do much of anything, surfs the computer and watches TV when he's not at the VA with his speech/physical rehab and other appt's (this is four days out of a five day work week). He can't work, can't keep it up, his wife keeps threatening him because he won't have sex with her, he has no friends, no enjoyment in his outside activites, he can't walk right, talk right, chokes when he eats, can't remember things, etc. 

I'm depressed. On meds now and in counseling, sleep fine, just lonely, drink occasionally to keep from going crazy, sad and loney and feel abandoned by the person I love the most, I work 5 days a week and then come home at night and make sure he eats and is doing okay, same thing on weekends and clean house, do laundry, pay bills, buy food, do his meds, do my meds, set up his dr appointments, worry about what I say and how I say it because he can't understand, worry about my daughter, who is still in jail, worry about the grandson I haven't seen since June of 2010 due to a custody battle, my mother is not well, his father is in the ICU in AR.

And the list goes on and on and on and on.

We're both a mess to tell the truth. Sometimes I just want to check out of it all.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> The reason you are having such a hard time with getting advice on this is that you have put anything that might be successful on the simply cannot do list. Perhaps there ISN'T any way for you to deal with this under the constraints you have put on yourself.


Maybe, but the only constraint is - I'm not prepared to LEAVE HIM at this time.

I'm willing to try anything else but that - that is not a solution for me, right now. I'm not ruling it out anytime in the future, but now - it's a no go.

There's got to be other solutions besides just leaving. Leaving doesn't always solve everything or even anything. You just take it with you. After all, he is the father of some of my children, which means he can't just disappear.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

notaname said:


> I would check out services that can provide a CNA to come in and help him with his ADLs (activities of daily living) so that you no longer need to...if that is what the current situation is. It might help take a burden from you and be better for him that you aren't being his personal care provider.
> Maybe see if you qualify for a respite program so you can go away for a weekend (even if just to a friends house or the hotel down the street).
> Sadly, I only know about programs in my county, but ask around and see if anyone knows of something.
> 
> ...


I've been working on that through the VA for a while now. 

They move very slowly.

That would probably help if I could get them to get off their butts.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I agree, it's not me that needs to do the trying.
> 
> But he's damaged - his brain has been injured - how much of this is being caused by that versus being caused by him just being an selfish a**hole?
> 
> ...


You need to see a therapist about this issue on your own. You need to learn how to cope with the loss of a part of your husband. There is no answer to your questions that you posed since his neuro-psych has stated that all of his actions are due to his TBI.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

If he is on medicaid maybe check into private agencies as well. There has got to be something in your county that provides respite, at least. You may have to find the CNA yourself for them to hire, but it would be sooo worth it!

Eh, that was dumb, being VA I guess means no medicaid. Duh. I have no clue if the VA contracts through private agencies for respite and stuff. Maybe bring up the need for respite at every counseling session.

Also, do you have any adult children who can give you a weekend off and help out?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

notaname said:


> If he is on medicaid maybe check into private agencies as well. There has got to be something in your county that provides respite, at least. You may have to find the CNA yourself for them to hire, but it would be sooo worth it!
> 
> Eh, that was dumb, being VA I guess means no medicaid. Duh. I have no clue if the VA contracts through private agencies for respite and stuff. Maybe bring up the need for respite at every counseling session.
> 
> Also, do you have any adult children who can give you a weekend off and help out?


Yep - VA - no medicaid.

Nobody to help out - not from this area, no family near at all (closest family is his dad about 4.5 hours away and he's in the ICU).

That's part of the problem, no relief, nobody's house I can just drop into to vent and get away for a while, nothing. No support system here as far as family goes.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

anon_4_now said:


> You need to see a therapist about this issue on your own. You need to learn how to cope with the loss of a part of your husband. There is no answer to your questions that you posed since his neuro-psych has stated that all of his actions are due to his TBI.


I am seeing at therapist on my own.

I am trying to learn how to cope with the loss of the husband I used to have. 

And that's why I posted this thread - I need advice on how to cope - my counselor has tried to help, but maybe I'm just hard-headed and it's not sinking through - I don't know.

I just know I'm desperate at this point as I'm just so tired - physically and mentally.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I am seeing at therapist on my own.
> 
> I am trying to learn how to cope with the loss of the husband I used to have.
> 
> ...


There is absolutely *nothing* about your situation that anyone would envy. I would suggest that if you're not getting results from this therapist, you change. If you don't get results from the second therapist... consider that it is possibly you being hard-headed and ask your therapist to help you with that too...

Until then, your TAM family will be here to listen and offer support, thoughts, and prayers.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

anon_4_now said:


> There is absolutely *nothing* about your situation that anyone would envy. I would suggest that if you're not getting results from this therapist, you change. If you don't get results from the second therapist... consider that it is possibly you being hard-headed and ask your therapist to help you with that too...
> 
> Until then, your TAM family will be here to listen and offer support, thoughts, and prayers.


Thanks!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

That maybe something to consider, actually. Maybe you're not at a point where a neuro-psych is the best counselor for *you*. Maybe instead of counseling about how everything is about your husband's TBI, what might be more useful at this point would be someone more supportive emotionally that could work with you on the grief and frustration. You could still keep the MC with the neuro-psych, but since it sounds like you've more than got a handle on the impact of the TBI, maybe it's time to change the focus of your IC some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I do not know what to tell you, since you have chose to stay. Unfortunately, I think in a few weeks and a few months and possibly by this time next year you may still be looking for the same answers to your questions. I hope thats not the case, but I would imagine after awhile, people will begin to no longer know what to tell you either, because after awhile it seems the options become limited.

Maybe you could try a Psyhcologist that specializes in CBT, (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) maybe they can help you learn a different way of thinking of things that can help you find some kind of peace with what you have chosen for your life.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> That my husband is not the man he used to be and never will be and that I need to accept that and adjust my expectations if I intend to stay in the marriage.
> 
> Okay - I can do that - but how? This is where the disconnect is for me. How do I adjust my expectations and still get what I need to get out of this marriage from him?


It sounds like your counselor said you have to lower your expectations. It does not sound like he has an idea of how you get your needs met from him. In my opinion, you don't. 

There are tons of people on here who are having a hard time getting their needs met by people who are still the people that they married. What chance do you have when someone replaced your husband with someone else.

You think I am trying to convince you to leave. I am not. If you are staying then your counselor is right. You need to lower your expectation of him *including the expectation that you are ever going to get him to meet your needs*.



> Everyone in the entire free world that knows our issues and what happened to my husband has offered advice - take care of yourself, concentrate on you being happy, etc. But how do I do that and balance the fact that I do have to be his part-time caregiver and live my own life and create my own happiness and get what I need, give him what he needs, etc.


How would telling him that you will continue to be his caregiver, but you are seeking your need for emotional connection and sex elsewhere?

This has been suggested, even by you but with an immediate CANT CANT CANT. Why can't you?



> This is all just TOO MUCH for one person to take. I'm just one very tired 50 year old woman that is trying to hold up everything on my shoulders with no help.


Read that again to yourself. At least twice. Do you know how this reads to someone on the 'net who is not connected to you? Victim. Why are you allowing yourself to be a victim?

Of course it is too much. Don't do it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How much have you talked about your past with your counselors? I know you think that has nothing to do with where you are now, but I think it has alot to do with your choices. You stated before you were in another abusive situation before your husband, he has abused you as well, brain injury or no brain injury. I think these are things that need to be addressed.

Your whole story sounds like a classic case of abused victim and I think that might be one of the reasons you can't/don't leave. I know you have other reasons too, and thats fine, just saying I think this might be one too.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Everyone in the entire free world that knows our issues and what happened to my husband has offered advice - take care of yourself, concentrate on you being happy, etc. But how do I do that and balance the fact that I do have to be his part-time caregiver and live my own life and create my own happiness and get what I need, give him what he needs, etc.


Its called acceptance. That may not be what you want to hear, however, you chose to stay, so yes that probably means you need to accept the fact, he has brain issues that he can not help, he is into to porn and alcohol and whatever else for whatever reason(s) whether its due to brain issues or not. If you don't accept it, then one of two things will probably happen, either you will still be searching for answers, living in frustration, OR you will eventually leave. 

You can say you don't have to accept anything, and yes, you're right but like I said one of two things will probably happen. You might deserve better, and deserve to have a sex life and to be happy, etc etc. You may deserve better treatment from his behaviors too, BUT chances are you wont get that from him. At least not right now, one day maybe? Perhaps, perhaps not.

If you say you accept things as they are, it also doesn't mean you are a weak person, it just means you have come to terms with life and your situation as it is. I think you haven't accepted things as they are, because if you truly had, you wouldn't still be looking for answers to questions that no one has clear cut answers for, even the counselors. 

IMO, you don't deserve this kind of treatment from him, brain injury or no brain injury. He isn't keeping you there anyway, you are. So maybe if you come to terms with the acceptance of the way things are, then you need to come to terms and accept your choice too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> That maybe something to consider, actually. Maybe you're not at a point where a neuro-psych is the best counselor for *you*. Maybe instead of counseling about how everything is about your husband's TBI, what might be more useful at this point would be someone more supportive emotionally that could work with you on the grief and frustration. You could still keep the MC with the neuro-psych, but since it sounds like you've more than got a handle on the impact of the TBI, maybe it's time to change the focus of your IC some.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Possibly.

I'll look in it. But I do like this counselor though - he's funny and straight-to-the-point.

I'll see what I can find out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> How much have you talked about your past with your counselors? I know you think that has nothing to do with where you are now, but I think it has alot to do with your choices. You stated before you were in another abusive situation before your husband, he has abused you as well, brain injury or no brain injury. I think these are things that need to be addressed.
> 
> Your whole story sounds like a classic case of abused victim and I think that might be one of the reasons you can't/don't leave. I know you have other reasons too, and thats fine, just saying I think this might be one too.


May have a point there.

My counselor is aware of my entire past - including the childhood abuse, abusive first marriage - everything. I've held nothing back - I've been open and honest with him.

My first husband used me as a regular punching bag for 5 years. 

My current husband does not. Emotionally - maybe - but all of that started after the TBI.

It probably is one, I wouldn't doubt that one bit. But there are a lot of nuances to my character and who I am - I'm sure this is one of them.

But I don't choose to stay because I'm afraid to leave - that's not even a thought process for me.

I choose to stay because I promised to stay.

I choose to stay because what "happened" to him was NOT HIS FAULT. The aftermath (drinking, depression, etc.) are a direct result of what happened to him - sure he has to work on it too - but he needs a lot of support because he IS NOT the same man and his brain does not function normally.

I choose to stay because I love him.

It's pretty much that simple for me - no other motives on my end.

To that point, I'm trying to work on and discover how I can stay and find peace and either live with not getting all of my needs met or getting them met through other activities.

And THAT is the challenge.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Its called acceptance. That may not be what you want to hear, however, you chose to stay, so yes that probably means you need to accept the fact, he has brain issues that he can not help, he is into to porn and alcohol and whatever else for whatever reason(s) whether its due to brain issues or not. If you don't accept it, then one of two things will probably happen, either you will still be searching for answers, living in frustration, OR you will eventually leave.
> 
> You can say you don't have to accept anything, and yes, you're right but like I said one of two things will probably happen. You might deserve better, and deserve to have a sex life and to be happy, etc etc. You may deserve better treatment from his behaviors too, BUT chances are you wont get that from him. At least not right now, one day maybe? Perhaps, perhaps not.
> 
> ...


True, true, true.

I have NEVER fully accepted that things will NEVER go back to normal (or our version of what normal was). It's almost like if I give up and accept that things will never change, then I've lost all hope and hope means a lot to someone in this position - it can mean the difference between complete and utter despair or a glass half-full type of existence.

I don't want to give up that hope and maybe that's why I continue to look for answers and continue to be frustrated - possibly so.

But I have to have some hope for things to improve. If I hadn't had that hope, we wouldn't even be where we are today. My husband couldn't walk, talk or swallow after this happened. But today, he can walk (not perfectly though, major balance issues), he can talk (still issues there too), and he can eat without choking constantly. So things have vastly improved for him from where he started. He, nor I would have gotten this far without a lot of hard work, perseverance and hope.

But you're right - I need to accept and then I can move on. The acceptance is a type of "lowering my expectations." My expectations are based on what was, not what is. That is just setting myself and him up for failure.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> True, true, true.
> 
> I have NEVER fully accepted that things will NEVER go back to normal (or our version of what normal was). It's almost like if I give up and accept that things will never change, then I've lost all hope and hope means a lot to someone in this position - it can mean the difference between complete and utter despair or a glass half-full type of existence.


But false hope is just plain mentally unhealthy. Pretending that there is something to hope for just for the sake of hope makes no sense.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

MarriedWife... It seems you need to grieve the loss of your old life and husband. My father in law had a stroke and I can understand some of what you are going through. I certainly understand why you want to stay with your husband. It was for... in sickness and health... not just when all your needs are met and everything is fun...right?

I know you're overwhelmed and unsupported. I wonder if you can start to take just 15 minutes in a day to try to find some support. Real in the home support. Could you make a call today to the VA to see if they have any resources available yet? Tomorrow could you call your church or if you don't have one, any church to see if they offer any respite for caregivers? The next day could you check on your county Area on Aging to see if there is someone who can help you get any servcies your husband might qualify for?

Seniors List; Senior Care; Elderly; Home Care Agency; Retirement Community Some services are available for as young as 50 year olds. They are often in charge of Meals for Wheels in many areas. 

Keep making calls and asking everyone if they know how you can get some help for respite care. There has to be some social worker, agency, church, or volunteer group in your area that would help. 

I know it sounds like a lot of work. Just 15 minutes a day though. Do little chunks. Get a spiral binder and write down every contact and phone number you get referred too. The very act of picking up the phone and talking with people will give you some connection. Eventually you will get some advice and help that will start to give you some relief. You'll also become a champion for your husband. You'll be happy with yourself for getting help and your husband will see you're not running out on him because he's not the man you married.

Maybe, in time he'll be able to give you some support again, maybe not. Either way you'll be happy with yourself for doing the best you could. That's all any of us can do. Maybe this is the best your husband can do right now.

Make a list of things you need help with that would help. Meals, cleaning, putting up pills, mowing, someone to stay overnight if he can't be left alone, etc. If ANYONE offers to help, you need to be prepared to take that help and give people concrete ideas on what to do for you. 

You've done a lot already with getting counseling and keeping a full time job. Now it's time to listen, adjust your expectations for your life now, grieve and move on. After you feel better it might be a better time to get the love and hugs you need from your husband. Try to be patient.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Possibly.
> 
> I'll look in it. But I do like this counselor though - he's funny and straight-to-the-point.
> 
> I'll see what I can find out.


It does sound like you've got some good rapport with him, which is why I think working with him still with the marriage counseling would be good. I just really think it might be worth finding someone who isn't all about how the TBI is going to affect your life, but rather how to keep your life going with all of these stressors in play.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How many friends and family do you have near where you live? That is important as well. 

You can talk to a counselor all day long but the good support of friends and family to lean on is a good thing too. Support groups usually is a good place to start too. Most of the time in support groups you make friends who can call you or you can call them when you feel the need to just lean on someone and have them listen. Good friends who can relate to what you're going through will be your biggest help to you. 

You need outside connections other than doctors and counselors. They will give you insight from a medical and psychological stand point, but sometimes you just need a friend who is there, no medical or psychological mess.

If you have no friends or family you can talk to, then all the more reason for you to seek out a support group and make friends and exchange numbers. Have a girl night out, go to dinner, share you thoughts and experiences etc. If all you do s work and worry about your life with your husband, then you have isolated and enmeshed to the point to where you are lost, you are no longer you.


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