# Should I doubt her love?



## blackghost (Dec 15, 2014)

My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb. 

However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.

It messed me up mentally It broke me, A part of me died that day. I blamed my self granted I could have been a better husband but on the other had she could have been a better wife.

I find my self walking on egg shells around her. because im afraid that she may do it again if she is un-happy. I love her more than she could ever know or want to believe. thats why I stayed to work on things. I knew it would be hard to fight the demons in my head.

the pain and heart ache is still here I have just managed to work with it. I changed for her became a different person and yet. I still don't get what I need. 

Would her telling me the things she told him and doing things for me that she did for him. Change how i feel? would it take the doubt and the pain away? 

I dont expect anyone to respond or read this or even care I guess it helps me in a way as i have no one to talk to about it. Maybe 15 year with the same person is to much for her?

Anyway sorry to bother anyone here. And thank you for allowing me to get things off my chest.

-M


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## Trying95 (May 24, 2013)

I don't think you should change for anyone and you need to find happiness within yourself. You need to disconnect your ability to be happy from her. She can't make you feel happy if you are not happy with yourself and who you are. Having her do for you what she did for him will heal your ego but you know it would be done because you asked, not because she wants to do so. I'm speaking from experience and have been where you are right now. Take strength from looking inward and healing yourself first. I was surprised to read that you had already renewed your vows. I don't think the details and emotions within you or your wife have been dealt with fully. Are you in counseling, did you go to counseling?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My H has started doing things for me that he never did before Telling me how pretty I look, Opening the car door, Things like that & all that does for me is make me think this is the things he did for her. He never did them for me until she came along. I know this isn't much help, But I think it hurts just as bad either way. But at least I know he is trying. It doesn't sound to me like your WW gets what she has done to you. So sorry you're here.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You have no reason to be sorry We are glad you are here. Sorry for what you are going thru. Have yall gone to marriage counseling? Did yall sweep this affair under the rug? I dont want to mislead you, as I havent manned up in my situation, but I have been here long enough to know you have to wrestle this affair to the ground and kick it ass. There has to be consequnces for her actions. Read No More Mister Nice Guy and Married Mans Sex Life. I need to reread them myself. Best wishes and keep posting thefe are great people here that can help. Be prepared some are kind of onery, but in a good way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Two books to read.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Married Mans Sex Life Primer.
You can get them on amazon for about $11 each.
Sorry Thound beat me to it.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Sounds like your reconciliation consisted of her agreeing not to have sex with the other guy any more if you would do all the heavy lifting. That's not how to do R successfully.

You're a doormat with a pulverized self esteem. Start with "No Mr. Nice Guy" - http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...=N8vLi2IN1dbBPFOL-iQUfg&bvm=bv.81828268,d.aWw

Others will be along with more questions for you and great advice.

~ Passio


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I think you took her back far too soon, and both of you are rugsweeping the affair, for your own personal reasons. You both need IC and possibly Joint counseling. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself. Why? because you cannot guarantee your wife will not cheat again. If she does, you will be in a much better place to deal with, or just pull the trigger and divorce. You are not doing yourself any good living like this. Your wife made the decision to have an affair. You didn't. If she had asked you for permission, would you have allowed it? If you ask your wife for permission to have an affair, would she allow it? doormat indeed. Stop this behavior at once! Your wife needs to fight for your love now!!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I learned that the egg shell routine is the LAST thing you should do. For some nutty, quirky reason, women hate it when men try to be overly nice. That's not well put, but still true.

What she wants is for you to pay attention to her, tell her she's beautiful, and watch TV with her part of the time. Then, the other part of the time, tell her what you want her to do.

Trouble is, you'll always be doing one thing when she wants the other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.
> 
> ...


More info is needed...

Do the two of you have any children?

What do the two of you do for work?

Is the affair partner still in the picture at all? Does your wife work w/ him? Is she still in contact w/ him in any way?

How long did the affair last?

Is she now transparent w/ her phone, Facebook, e-mail, etc?

At any rate, you're definitely entitled to your doubt. Answer some of the questions above, though, and we'll see if we can help you to work through it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry but you got this all wrong...that's why your still struggling.

Your old lady made a choice to betray you instead of doing the honorable thing and leave the marriage.

You got betrayed so why is it that you have to make up for it?

In my case my old lady had a huge degree of submission.....she worked hard to be able to stick around. She paid the price for her betrayal and I believe it was out of love. I mean that 1st year after she cheated I gave it to her hard. To this day almost 5 yrs later I look back and realize how hard it was for her stay...but she did!
I think it was out of commitment she stuck it out and did what I demanded. if she hadn't i would have never kept her around.

You my friend are working hard to keep your wife...the person that stabbed you in the back. If you want to know if she is truly in love with you then her actions should be as such and she should be doing the things to help you heal. So if she can't get on her knees and open up...then maybe you are her plan B.....and it's just a matter of time before she finds the right guy to give her self to.

From were I'm sitting it looks like you are rewarding her instead of making her face the consequences for breaking her vows. At the very least she deserves a hard long spanking. Why should she give her self to you...in her mind she did nothing wrong.

What is your old lady doing to affair proof the marriage?

Man if your old lady is depending on you for her to make healthy choices then then this marriage is going to deal with this infidelity crap in the future.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.
> 
> ...


Who's idea was it for the renewing of the vows?
How long after the affair was exposed did you renew your vows?
How long was the affair, and what were the circumstances of how you found out?

If you told her you need her to say and do those things for you, she may start saying and doing those things for you, but that would be just to placate you; it wouldn't be genuine. I think you already know that, which is why all the rug-sweeping in the world won't make the pain go away.

It seems like you were too quick to forgive her deep betrayal. You're not the first guy to blame himself, a lot of us did the same thing.

It's good that you came here. Continue to vent and listen to alternate perspectives. Help us out with more details.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

'I love her more than she could ever know or want to believe'

When man says that about his wife and it's not within the three years of the relationship I automatically think codependent.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

What you are describing here is the classic false R. False R's happen when the BS allows the affair to be rug swept and when the WS isn't willing to do the heaving lifting required for the BS to heal. 

So it's a two part problem. Her lack of remorse, and your failure to insist she demonstrate remorse. You can correct the second part of the problem by no longer accepting her non-remorse. That may or may not correct the first part of the problem, but it's your best chance to do so.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers





> Should I doubt her love?


Absolutely. And if for some reason you decide to stay with her, having male friends is now over unless you want her to walk all over you again.




> I find my self walking on egg shells around her. because im afraid that she may do it again if she is un-happy.


This statement right here by you is a good reason to leave her.

You shouldn't have to live in fear. And if she is the kind of entitlement princess that you think will do it again if everything isn't just as perfect as she'd like, then its not worth it. There are better women out there.




> I love her more than she could ever know or want to believe.


And this, honestly, is your problem. You are so in love up to your eyeballs over a complete cheater, that she knows you will wrap yourself around her finger for her. If you stay with her, you need to show her you aren't going to take any s**t.




> the pain and heart ache is still here I have just managed to work with it. I changed for her became a different person and yet. I still don't get what I need.


Then she somehow successfully gaslighted you. She somehow has you thinking this is your fault and even when you change for her, she is more than likely pining for the other man or men in general.




> Would her telling me the things she told him and doing things for me that she did for him. Change how i feel? would it take the doubt and the pain away?


Absolutely not. If anything, it should anger the hell out of you if you weren't in what I call the desperation fog. This is all new to you and you are desperate to keep her. I actually had a small dose of that when I first found out when my x-wife cheated.......then I started thinking more clearly and got angry and the whole "in love up to my eyeballs" thing went away real quick.




> I dont expect anyone to respond or read this or even care I guess it helps me in a way as i have no one to talk to about it. Maybe 15 year with the same person is to much for her?
> 
> Anyway sorry to bother anyone here. And thank you for allowing me to get things off my chest.
> 
> -M


Don't think you are bothering us. Most of us were in the exact position you were in.

So I'm going to now tell you, and its just this one man's opinion, what I think you need to do.

#1 get angry. She royally F'd you over, gaslighted you, has you thinking this is your fault.....and you changed for her when it is HER that needs to do the most changing. She isn't, therefore you need to pink slip her ass.

#2 start planning. get an attorney. Get RID OF HER.

Sorry if this all seems harsh, but I can see she has really got your head messed up and yes, she has emotionally abused you from what you are telling us.

Anyone that gets cheated on and thinks they need to bend over backwards to keep someone from cheating has been mentally and emotionally abused.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting all afraid and timid as you have been? I do hope you both got tested for STD's.

I have a hunch from what you have written that you are one of the nice guys. You wife cheated on you numerous times with this OM because she knew that if she eventually got caught you would take her back which you did. She now knows she could probably do it again and you would take her back again. What were the consequences to her cheating and humiliating you as a husband and a man?

The fact that she told you the things she said to her lover and the sex acts that she engaged with him in and still today refuses to engage in those activities with you says it all. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. I am sure she senses the fear in you. Please remember these words:

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.
> 
> ...


I feel you pain.

counselling may help.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

The way you posted BlackGhost makes it seem as your wife did nothing much to want to make the marriage work..that's why Gus is asking questions as the possibility is its gone underground if that turns out negative then she has to come to terms with what *SHE *has done as the fog should have lifted a while back


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

blackghost said:


> I find my self walking on egg shells around her. because im afraid that she may do it again if she is un-happy.


You understand that's making it worse, not better, right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Has she cut off all contact with him? 

If not, she needs to.

Even if she says the things she told him to you, the pain would still be there. The bell can't be un-rung.

If you guys are going to work at it, you should freely tell her how you feel and tell her what you need for her to do to help the marriage/healing.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Blackie, your information to us is "sketchy" at best. Fill in the blanks: how long was she messing around? who was this guy (friend, co-worker, ex boyfriend, some guy she met in a bar?) how did she react when confronted? What has she done to help this situation after D-day? Has she been remorseful and contrite, or is her attitude "eh, it's done just get over it and move on?" You got great people on this site willing to help you, but they have to have enough information to proceed. Good luck to both of you. I hope you can successfully deal with this betrayal.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Read MMSLP - Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay.

Memorize it. Reread it. Love it. Live it.

Cheated with a friend of hers? Read Not Just Friends. They never are. Ever. Guys are "Friends" if they figure there's a remote chance of tripping them up sometime. I guess you don't need proof of that.

She needs to do all the heavy lifting to repair the relationship. She needs to prove herself to you for the rest of your lives. There's work to do here.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> This is a good thing so long as it is genuine. I also hope that this friend is no longer around for good measure. They can never be friends again and I hope she didn't try to dupe you into accepting this. Friends don't meet up and fvck.
> 
> ...


We are here for you, as others were here for us when we needed it, and dude, you sound like you need it big time. Keep em coming.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I'll say it again. Some will say this is a bad idea, but I disagree.

So here it goes, again.....you need to start getting angry.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. *I forgave her *and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> *You "forgave" her? Don't tell me that all you did was say something like, "Oh, that's ok, honey. Everybody messes up from time to time. Don't worry about it."*
> 
> ...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

blackghost said:


> I find my self walking on egg shells around her. because im afraid that she may do it again if she is un-happy. I love her more than she could ever know or want to believe. thats why I stayed to work on things. I knew it would be hard to fight the demons in my head.


Blackghost my man, I want you to study the picture below and tell me how an eight ton elephant can be held in place by that little rope and stake. Do you reckon that set up could hold that big boy if he decided, "I ain't putting up with this crap anymore I don't care how much I like that damn trainer". Think about it Dawg.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

It would seem that the reason why you're having such a hard time dealing with the pain and anger of your wife's betrayal is 
Do in part because you did nothing to try and resolve the underlying issues what you did do however is change everything about your self to satisfy her needs and desires in essence you basically roll over and play dead and now you feel if you don't play by her rules/needs she will cheat and hurt you again *this is what happens when you forgive someone too quickly and are too willing to accept responsibility for their partners betrayal*..




You came here for advice well here's my opinion first thing you should ask yourself is a relatively simple question but one you should spend time contemplating do you want to stay married to this person if the answer is yes then you need to do the work to resolve the issues in your marriage not just simply roll over and play dead but make requests and demands in order to feel secure and safe with this person marriage counseling and individual counseling is a must and you must harden yourself to fact this process is going to take a very long time.



If after spending a great deal of time you have come to the rationalization that you no longer want to stay in this marriage then the advice is quite simple divorce move on with your life heal yourself and find someone who can love, honor, respect, you life is short and there are plenty of decent women out there that do understand the importance of a relationship and we'll fight to maintain it.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

The possibilitry of her doing it again always exists, but you shouldnt fear it, you should mentally prepare yourself as to what you will do if she ever does. Just saying, I had to block it out of my mind to a degree or I wouldnt be able to deal with it. I imagined how my life would be starting over and I dont think it would be too bad at all, definately not the end of the world. The way I see it is that it happened, and I ended up basically giving her a pass, if it ever happens again, I simply walk with no further thought involved. This crap makes a person stronger and puts things in perspective over time. The best thing is that she knows it.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.
> 
> ...


Dear blackghost,

You've already received a lot of good advice but I haven't noticed anyone making the following points:

1) You say you are concerned that she may cheat again if you don't keep her happy. Actually, treating her like a princess (which is what I gather you are doing) will make it more likely that she will cheat again. If you want to minimize the risk of another affair make sure that i) she suffers consequences for the last one (at a minimum, expose her affair to family members, close friends and clergy and insist that she give you access to all of her communications devices and accounts) and ii) she knows you will divorce her if she does it again.

2) Your tone (see the second *bolded* statement above) is that of a very timid man. You need to correct this, as women have a decided preference for strong, self-confident, independent men. If you can't achieve at least the average level of masculinity in your language and demeanor, then you should not be surprised if she cheats on you again.

It's not your fault that she cheated on you. But, now that you have been warned that she has propensity for adultery, it will be your fault if you don't educate yourself on how to deal with a wayward wife, and apply that education in your daily life.

As others have advised, read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover and _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"_ by Athol Kay. Also, think about speaking to a doctor about your testosterone level and seeking psychological counseling for your wimpishness.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry for your pain.

She is not remorseful and is not trying.

If you do not have kids with her, tell her if she will not go to counseling and try, that you are done.

You can't make it work by yourself.

She has no idea about your pain. What would she do if you had an affair?

Was she tested for stds or did she always use protection?


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

blackghost said:


> My wife cheated last year with a friend of hers I noticed the signs and checked her phone and indeed she was. I forgave her and we are trying to rebuild we renewed our vows last feb.
> 
> However It still haunts me in many ways. The things she did with him and said to him she wont say or do for me. (like tell me how i make her feel, and things) I find my self questioning her love for me and if she really does.
> 
> ...


of course you should doubt her love. i doubt it like crazy. i don't know how you even forgave her once and tried again. it will be even easier for her to cheat the next time. have some self respect and say goodbye to this woman forever. don't mean to sound harsh, but in your situation i would want the truth and nothing but.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I'll say it again. Some will say this is a bad idea, but I disagree.
> 
> So here it goes, again.....you need to start getting angry.


Word.

Anger and the advice given to a thousand other you 'n me's on this site on how to channel it effectively saved me. From me. 

A happy coincidental effect was that my marriage was saved (so far) as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. Now.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I'll say it again. Some will say this is a bad idea, but I disagree.
> 
> So here it goes, again.....you need to start getting angry.


********************************************************

I absolutely agree...I went [email protected] crazy.. from outing him to his BW to filing a lawsuit against their company and having them fired...I also agree one must be careful as not to be consumed by the anger you feel because it becomes your friend and gives you purpose...However it will never give you peace...but in the short-run its heck of an effective tool....

wrote this out as possiable something you could say to your WW..if you have it in you...im not attacking you...some do and some dont....BUT DUDE WHAT DO YOU HAVE NOW?

".. you can make me all the S*&T sandwiches you want too...DOES NOT mean im going to eat them....

I Could care less if you cringe...if you are in a fog or what your F#%KING unmet needs are...YOU CHEATED...YOU LIED AND BETRAYED ME...LEAVE NOW...or YOU come clean now...tell me EVERYTHING i ask and go to counseling and maybe we can save this"

There are BHs who have tried to R (or have a false R)..who still trigger..have self esteem issues and serious self doubts...FOR YEARS not days or months..YEARS...for the love of god WHY?


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