# Moving on????



## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

So my husband cheated and it sucked. I was really messed up for way longer than I thought I would be. I dated a little until I met my current BF-Mr. Wonderful 
I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life I think but I just can't let go of the past. I'm still depressed, I'm still drinking (a little) and still feeling worthless most days. I can't get over the hurt and pain from everything. 
I've decided to go to therapy but I'm worried about finding one I like. My insurance sucks and I'm sure doesn't cover it. The last few groups that I contacted acted as if they were doing me a favor to respond to my inquiry and they were sure to point out the upfront cost. I just want to fix this, stop the pain so I can move on with Mr. Wonderful! I am very fortunate to have disposable income but I want to be treated like a person, not a crazy lady, not a paycheck, just a very broken person.
How do I find what I need to be able to drop this baggage?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

A lot of this just takes time. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I believe this to be true. It was in my case also. I almost messed up my chance with my "miss-wonderful" in a very similar situation. But after time it all got better.

Remember to live in, and enjoy the present. Don't let the past, and your cheating ex drag you down.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

It has been almost 3 years. People have come and gone, nothing serious. My attitude has been "why bother". Just live a life worth enjoying with me and my child. 

About December/January. I didn't have just the normal "urge" to be in a relationship. I actually decided that it was time to do something, my mind felt better and I felt more defined by myself rather then my circumstances defining me. 

Short answer, it get's better. You may have to acknowledge that Mr Right may not even be so great once your own sense of personal worth comes back. If you have kids, try and find hobby's that allow you to disengage. Also learn to welcome the feeling of being depressed. A lot of people don't give themselves the time deserved and use love/sex/drugs/alcohol/substances/religion to hide behind. When all those items do is worsen the problem when used for that reason.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Katt, I went to counseling when I found my XWW cheating and it was the best money I've spent. Maybe it was because I had a really good counselor or maybe it was just the way I look at life, but it didn't take long for me to get my head on straight and not have to see him anymore. Please take care of yourself first and worry about the money later. The pain from cheating and ending a marriage will likely last for a long time, but that doesn't mean it has to control you. When you look for a counselor it would help if you got referrals from someone in the profession that can steer you to someone that matches what you need. If you are calling up blindly and asking for prices, you really don't know what you are going to get. My referral came from my work's employee assistance program crisis counselor. If you have an EAP at your work call them for a referral.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Therapy does help, sometimes it takes time to find a therapist you mesh with though. I would talk with each therapist you are considering on the phone about your issues, before you meet with them. They should be willing to do that. Then you can at least get a sense of their style.

I have been thru several years of therapy (on and off) and am currently in the most healthy relationship I have ever been in by far. I still have times where the depression, self-sabotage, darkness (whatever you want to call it) takes over. Its a matter of recognizing it and trying to stop myself from letting it take over. Figuring out what would be the "healthy" response instead of my natural response and then following thru on it . For some people, myself included, this may be a life long battle due to FOO issues.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

On a side note. When money was tight. I found out that my local school allowed you to go through 2 semesters of counseling free. So I got a Spring and Summer session of counseling free. It took me 3 months worth of meetings to even open up. A relationship I wish I could have continued. 

Some people may have something against going to counseling that's free. But people need to start somewhere, and I had a positive experience. I am also fully confident that my "counselor in training" was confident in their own shoes. Oh all my sessions were recorded for future use with other people. I was OK with this as well. 

Just saying, the help is out there.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Honestly even coming to TAM is great counselling, there are so many different forums available you can walk yourself thru every step of the healing process. Sometimes you may need to filter what people advise but there's a good chance everything you are going thru there are dozens of people on this site who have gone thru the same things. It's free and you can be bluntly honest, how can you beat that?

One thing I would suggest relationship wise is to be sure you're in a clear minded and healthy place before becoming to deeply involved. Make sure Mr. Right is truly Mr. Right and not just Mr. Better than the ex. Plus when you are still hurting you become hyper vigilant and that can be exhausting for a new person in your life, no one wants to have to constantly reassure they are better than the last person.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

To some degree my rebound relationship really helped me with the moving forward process. I guess in my mind it felt like I was still divorced but now had time, distance and a relationship under my belt which put separation between us. I felt more "single" then divorced after that. This relationship you're in may be that catalyst as well. It's very unlikely your first relationship will stick which is why they call them rebounds...that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

Also one thing I found was making a plan and goals. I refurbed my house, bought a new car, new clothes, fixed my finances, took trips I always wanted to take and started working again on my career I had neglected for years. With each passing thing I stopped feeling lessons less like her old husband and more and more like the new me. I can't even identify with the man I was 5 years ago. The only thing that still exists from that time period is that I was a good father and still am.


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