# Not what I want



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Wife tells me she is not physically attracted to me any more, her feelings for me have gone, and she doesn't think that they will ever come back. I have a teenage son from a previous relationship and a beautiful young daughter with this partner.

She works away a lot and travels internationally, so I am the alpha parent. In fact, its only because i am the full time parent that she gets to travel so much. 

She wants to separate and plans to leave within 3 months, taking my daughter with her.

She says I take her for granted and that I abandoned her in the first year of my child's life.

I have had anger issues in the past. I live in a foreign country and there is no support for people like me here. I had to sort my self out, alone.

I know she wants out. No sex for a year. She claims it hurts. And in the few instances of intimacy over the last year, she has withdrawn and basically left me feeling like an abuser or something not nice.

I don't want this to end, she was supposed to be my life partner.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get to a lawyer asap.

She cannot just take the kid.

Go for 50/50 custody


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a voice activated recorder in her car so you know what you are dealing with.
The no sex thing may and I say may be that she is getting her physical needs met elsewhere.

Stick some VARs in the house also.


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

The pain thing would not have me jumping to affair, but the I don't love you would. 

If it hurts, she may resent you for the pain. If you felt angry about her being in pain, she could have misinterpreted that as you not caring that you hurt her. 

She should have sought out medical care for the pain, but a lot of women don't think to do so. Or maybe she talked with her OBGYN but, like many, they didn't know how to treat it, and never recommended a specialist in sexual dysfunction. 

Good luck regardless. Don't let her take your child away full time. She deserves a father in her life.


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Today she said she had moved on. Wants to remain friends but the separation goes ahead. I asked if she was sure this is what she wanted. She replied yes.
It hurt a bit when she said it. I have slowly started the 180 and i realised i should not dwell on that.
She will move out april next year. I will continue to live in this house with my son.
I am certain this is it. The end of our marriage.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to start investigating your wife.

She wants to take your daughter and you don't have a clue as to were, and with whom.

I have a sence your wife is not thinking in the best interest of your daughter and I believe that puts your daughter at great risk.

Please, for your daughter's safty, quitely investigate who has replaced you as the man in your wifes life.

The percentages are very high when it comes to a mothers boyfriend hurting her child.

As a father you owe it to your daughter to protect her no matter how youhave to invade her mothers privacy.


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

She is away the next 3 days. Looking after both kids again.
Its actually a cool sunday afternoon and my daughter is playing with water out back.
I told her i was shocked at how quickly she had fallen out of love with me.
"Im sticking to the plan" was a real gut wrencher. 

I cant help but look around our family home and think was all this for nothing?
I worked hard for and on this house. 

In the past i told her a colleague had cheated on his wife. This couple is atill together.
She said yesterday that if i had had an affair, our marriage might not be in trouble.

I just could not respond to that. Over the last year she has given the green light for me to have an affair, but the marriage was serious for me. 

This is hard sometimes. Im trying 180 and hope to muster motivation to start working out again next week. Getting fit should help me cope better. This really sucks. I havent told my son yet.

I dont suspect she has anyone else. 99%. There is one friend in the background but apparently gay and not a concern nor never a confidante she says. If he takes a greater role in her life after she leaves, then, hes not gay.

A lot of me thinks just focus on my kids, work, and getting strong until the move then cross that bridge and see what unfolds in this new life she has envisioned for herself. It breaks my heart that we'll never share intimacy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to focus on you right now and stop focusing on what she is doing or where she is. 

You also need to stop laying down and letting her "stick to the plan." as if you're just some supporting cast member in her play.

You don't have to put up with this crap. You don't have to remain friends with her either. Stop trying to please her and stop trying to keep the boat in smooth water. She is not going to give you credit for being a nice guy as she waltzes out the door with your kid. 

Get yourself together, seek legal advice and stop talking to this woman about anything other than the separation, legal or kid related stuff.

Here for you....


----------



## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

If you investigate, I bet you will find your wife is having an affair. It's the reason she isn't attracted to you right now. She has attached herself emotionally to another man and when a woman gets involved emotionally with a man, it effects her physical attraction to him. It's just they way they are. It happened to me and countless other men in this forum. I'm sorry you are here. I'm not going to lie...this will be the toughest time of your life. Stay on the forum and talk with others going through troubles. It's true that misery loves company. Realize, if you haven't abused her, cheated, or have a serious addiction, you don't deserve this. Try not to think of all the good times. The woman you know and love is dead. The new her is not a good person. Take care man.


----------



## johnny3328 (Nov 25, 2013)

She sound very Selfish. Trust me she have been planning this for awhile but wanted to wait for the right time to tell you. women like this usually manipulate you as fault but really and truly they tend to cover up their real feelings so you can guilty. Stay Strong brother. Theres someone out there for you


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Thanks for replies. Appreciated.

I don't know what to think or feel and I don't know what to do.

I get this anger that i feel welling up, then I have to let go because i don't want to be angry at work, or around the kids.

And this "if i had cheated" comment really irks me. 

Why the hell marry if the intention is to cheat? 

I find myself beginning to hate her.


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Just been on the phone. I am confused.

She said she missed home and wanted to come back. She will return tomorrow.

Why say that when she is determined to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Guess her affair partner didn't want her to move in with her after all haha


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Etrigan said:


> Just been on the phone. I am confused.
> 
> She said she missed home and wanted to come back. She will return tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she is calling the shots. 

You need to set some boundaries if you allow her to return. 

If you are being a doormat and showing her your moping around, she will be obliged to pity you. Do NOT let her pity you. Make yourself busy and don't let her see this has been soul sucking for you. That's your business - not hers. She will not fix it the way you want. If she wants to talk, be open to listen to her, but do NOT let her dictate her terms as the way ahead. You have rights and responsibilities to yourself and kids. Those should be your new priorities.

Hang in there. Set boundaries.

HL


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

She might just miss being at home with her daughter, not you?


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

cd - you could well be right.

Helo - its all rushing at sonic speed this last week. I have started to focus. Im giving 180 a go. You are correct - no pity sought nor needed. I didnt call her since she left for work on sunday. She has called me and texted again saying she will be happy to be home.

I started to workout again this week. Sore. Can see myself getting into this again. Im lucky to have a small but decent home gym. Got my son joining in too.

So im starting to address this now the initial sucker punch is wearing off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Etrigan said:


> cd - you could well be right.
> 
> Helo - its all rushing at sonic speed this last week. I have started to focus. Im giving 180 a go. You are correct - no pity sought nor needed. I didnt call her since she left for work on sunday. She has called me and texted again saying she will be happy to be home.
> 
> ...



Good E, keep doing that! The more you can keep that attitude the better off you will be.

If it were me though, I'd still be investigating the OM angle - to rule it out if nothing else. I also wouldn't let her just waltz back in after leaving without some serious boundaries being set - if at all. Don't just lay down for her, or that is the position you will stay in until she gets ready to wipe her feet on you and leave again.... renewing the pain all over again.

Stay strong. I assure you this is far from over. Best if you act like you were somewhat happy she was gone - at least act happy with yourself.


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Tonight she worked late. Calls to tell me she will have some food. I ask where and what kind of questions.

She will have beers and a meal with the gay colleague (i mentioned before).

I knew an hour before she called that this would happen.

This colleague apparently started adult life hetero and switched later in life. I have this uncomfortable feeling that this guy is a sort of Posom. For sure emotionally if not physical.

I just knew this would happen.

I been sticking to 180. Skyped family back home a lot.

Managed to do half the spartacus workout and for the first time in ages got pleasantly drunk with a mate and unloaded some of my situation to him. 

Generally im doing ok. Just this thing tonight bugs me. Is he a friend or more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Had a good morning but feel a bit sad today.
Asked her if she was emotionally involved with her friend and she laughed the idea off.

She has become quite cold in her demeanour.

She will move out in march and stay with her brother. The mil will also probably be there too.

She has found a school near her workplace for our daughter.

She suggested we live as one house but two separate lives and i cant live that way.

I will continue to live in this house with my son until such time we can leave.

I told my son last night what next years arrangements will be.

I feel in my heart this is really over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The fact that she said that your marriage might have survived an affair by you is a very telling statement. She does not find you alpha masculine enough. If you could get another woman to sleep with you, she believes your sex rank would rise in her eyes. Of course if you actually cheated it might just destroy your marriage anyway. The point though is that you have to change your image.

Stop all the relationship talk. Don't talk to her about anything substantial but divorce and your kids. Be pleasant. Show restraint. You are cheerfully moving on to a new life without her. You have to fake till you make it. You have do this modified 180 until you are whipped about by her caprice.

She misses home.

You: great, come home then.

This is not going to work.

You: Sorry you feel this way.

She cannot dictate custody. Just get a lawyer. In fact, file for divorce before her. Take the wind out of her sails. The person who wants the relationship less has more leverage. Right now you are begging. It ain't going to change anything.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Etrigan said:


> In the past i told her a colleague had cheated on his wife. This couple is atill together.
> *She said yesterday that if i had had an affair, our marriage might not be in trouble.*
> 
> I just could not respond to that. *Over the last year she has given the green light for me to have an affair,* but the marriage was serious for me.
> ...


Encouraging you to have an affair is a sign that she is having one herself. Faithful spouses are not comfortable with being cheated on themselves. Guilty ones are.

The 'gay' friend is not gay, at least not with her. Beers and a meal with him is a date. 

You cannot let her keep choosing when se can drop in and out of your lives. Talk to a lawyer.


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Closure and thanks to all who offered support and advice.

Well, it was her boss all along. Found out through FB. Seems he left his wife and daughter to be with her. He's much older than I am, so he's probably 20 years older than my ex, he is fat, and has that broken nose look. I can now find it amusing that she left me to be with that...obviously the attraction is financial as he is loaded. 

I did sort of make peace with her, but when I found out it was him all along, I cut off all emotional attachments. If we speak, its direct and about my daughter only. I'm not interested in how she is doing or any such pleasantries. You see, for so long she had convinced me that it was all my fault; my anger, my wants, my habits, my...and the list goes on. Clearly that was all crap to throw me off the truth. Such a massive deception, that I fell for. I don't hate her nor blame her, it may sound cold, but when I see her now, I see nothing.

As for myself, I'm in a better place in so many ways. the first 6 months were really hard. I felt very lonely. I kept composure for the sake of my son, and started working out at home almost daily. Although I did take up smoking cigarettes again.

Early 2014, it was like an epiphany, something just clicked in my mind. I actually heard "Love Thyself" and it knocked me out of the situation of self pity and sadness. So that's what i started doing. At that time, as I became more accepting and relaxed, she became angrier and short tempered. On the phone she would try to start something, and I would just be all calm and tell her we'd talk another time when she was mature enough....many situations like that. In the end, it was I who insisted on the divorce. She had set dates for it but always postponed them, and I had had enough of this emotional game. 

I see my daughter almost every weekend and we have a great time together. I think it must have been terribly hard for her at such a young age to be thrust into this new world of her mums, which excluded me. My only regret over this whole event has been the suffering it caused my daughter, however I don't beat myself over it as it wasn't my doing. We are both victims of her mother's selfishness.

Late last year, I started talking with an American woman. Our pasts had many similarities and we talked so much about everything. After a few months, we went to visit her for a few days, and later she came to visit us. We decided to give it a go.

Now its mid-2015, and we live well together. We live by a "no fear no secrets" philosophy, and i think both of our lives have improved. In fact, i could not see myself being with anyone else as we get on so well. What mattered at first was knowing what we didn't want, as opposed to knowing what we wanted. I hope that makes sense.

A while ago there was a family emergency and I had to travel last minute, I could not have made that trip without her help. I know I can count on her through bad times as well as the good, and that's important.

I want to thank all you guys who offered advice and helped me through a very difficult stage of my life. For anyone reading this and the thread who may be suffering something similar, I would suggest take help from people who offer it, and don't blind yourself from the truth. The pain is incredible, and the world seems nightmarishly unreal, but you will get though. You will emerge.

Johnny, Azteca, Longwalk, Honorbound, Tom, BFGuru, the guy, Helolover, and Brokenman - Thanks and God Bless.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Thanks for the update. So many people start a thread and just leave everyone hanging after we've gotten emotionally involved in your problem.

It's great that you were able to weather the storm. I knew from your first post on this thread that there was another man. The more of your post I read the surer I was of that belief. you coming back and revealing that there was another man, confirms what many thought. Reading on here you quickly see the signs.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for the awesome update!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, thanks.

The reason she sought arguments with you is because she was unhappy with OM. She wanted you to take control and fix things.

It may be true that when she authorized you to have an affair, it could have "saved" your marriage. She just wanted to see if you could find a woman that would make her jealous. If she wasn't bothered, it was also okay. She would have reduced you morally and had an additional justification for divorce.

OM has money but he is not sexually appealing.

It must suck for her to think she sold herself.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Great to hear of how your progressed in two years. I wish you well!


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Etrigan, awesome update. Let this thread be an inspiration to those who are currently walking the dark path. There is a better tomorrow IF - keyword IF - one chooses to open their eyes, see things for what they are- and improve themselves. With your self improvement came salvation.


----------



## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Its good to see a positive outcome
Gives me hope that if my wife doesn't want to work on us there are other women who will appreciate a decent bloke


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"OM has money but he is not sexually appealing.

It must suck for her to think she sold herself."

Yep....can't help but think of the song 'Lying Eyes' by the Eagles.

Sums up a woman like OP's xWW perfectly.


Great update though Etrigan.

All I could think after reading your update though was how depressingly common the outcome was.

Nearly every thread that starts with a situation similar to yours ends the same (I bet you can count on one hand the ones that don't)......eventually, oozing out of the dark comes POSOM.....

He is always there, even when the OP denies and fights his existence for pages in the thread.

Then one day comes the update where OP tells the board that they have been right all along....he has just discovered who the snake that has been undermining his M is.

It's like clockwork.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, its just downright amazing how people on here can smell out so early the real cause of the problem.

ILYBINILWY


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Great happy ending too, Etrigan


----------



## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Thanks again for advice, support, and encouragement.

Looking back thru text messages on my phone, it's quite obvious now with hindsight to see what was happening. On a positive note, despite being mid 40s and smoking still, this is the healthiest I've ever been and if my experience means anything at all, it means that we do pull through, we can overcome, and we can make positive changes in life.

I will spend more time in these forums to give back help when I can in appreciation for the help received.


----------

