# The feeling that you have no idea who you married



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Since we've been in counseling and a psychiatrist has diagnosed WH with depression and put him on 2 different meds, there's been a lot of talk about his "problems" and skeletons. The more I hear, the less I feel like I know him. How did I not unearth any of this before we were married or in the first couple years? I feel completely disgusted by him and am wondering how I'm supposed to not feel that way at some point. Not just about this EA, but all his other F-ed up ways of thinking that he's finally admitting to. He's got serious, serious issues. I feel like I don't even know who I married. And then I feel so stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You didn't know because his mask was in place and he made sure you didn't.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are his skeletons related to his infidelity?

Is he grabbing on to you just as you are being repelled by him? Or does the knowledge of who he is inside drive the both of you further apart?

FWIW, I think the feelings of infatuation and love do an awful lot to paper over deeper issues, for good or ill.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I feel the same way...the best explanation for our blindness is explained in the Doobie Brothers song "What a fool believes." Read the lyrics...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

On D-Day I wondered who the he** was I married to and I also felt incredibly stupid. Since then (4 months later) I still sometimes wonder how he could be so different from the man I thought I married, though that man is starting to show glimmers of himself again; and I continue to have moments of feeling terribly stupid, though not quite to the same degree as early on.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I totally feel that way. The woman I though I married would never have done this to our family. Whole bag of sh1t. I choose poorly. But now we have children so you make the best of it.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

Cheaters have a mask they wear and I was married to one who kept her mask on for 20 years. I had no ideal who I was married to until I found out she had been cheating. 

How was she able to keep wearing a mask for 20 years I wanted to know. With some time I have decided it makes no difference she chose to show me what I wanted to see. 

Non of the BS I know would have chosen to marry their WS had they been able to see the true person behind the mask. I do not believe we were stupid, we were in love and blinded by our love for our S.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Know exactly what you mean, who is this person?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Since we've been in counseling and a psychiatrist has diagnosed WH with depression and put him on 2 different meds, there's been a lot of talk about his "problems" and skeletons. The more I hear, the less I feel like I know him. How did I not unearth any of this before we were married or in the first couple years? I feel completely disgusted by him and am wondering how I'm supposed to not feel that way at some point. Not just about this EA, but all his other F-ed up ways of thinking that he's finally admitting to. He's got serious, serious issues. I feel like I don't even know who I married. And then I feel so stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same boat, different paddles. Except I've been married for 34 years! Sounds like my WW's situation isn't as severe (moderate depression, smaller skeletons) but the fact that I've known her for so long and didn't catch any of this crap is beyond belief. For instance, she first cheated on me over 25 years ago, for two years!! And I just found out on D day last November. Amazing .


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> And then I feel so stupid.


This is wrong thinking.

The fact is you married a betrayer and it is an addiction. Addicts hide themselves very well. They also evolve.

You're anything but stupid. Also, if that is really you in your avatar, you're also gorgeous. You're husband is a fool.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Sorry this happen to you and I pray that the peices of your life can be put back together


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There are many differences in thinking and how a mind functions. Finding out how different your own thinking is from everyone else's is usually something that happens much later in life. There is definitely a fear factor to it! He may be able to act according to who you thought he was, but even if he can change his thought patterns through therapy and/or medication, the basic wiring will be the same. We see what we want to see, what we are predisposed to see, and overlook things that are so far out of the ordinary (i.e. not even in our internal recognition "databases" of stored memory) that we can't even begin to recognize them. For instance, if one really did see the Loch Ness Monster, you might miss it, because it would appear to be wind on the water, or a cloud passing over and darkening a portion of the lake. The other day I knew I had put my cell on my desk somewhere, but had trouble finding it because it's black, and perfectly aligned with the end of my black keyboard (along with a number pad also perfectly aligned) and since I don't normally place things on my keyboard tray, or look at the keyboard when typing, it took me quite a while to find it. I was also Skyping with a friend, something I rarely do. Being socially engaged changes the immediate functioning of your own brain. You are in "synch" mode especially in a new and promising relationship...vs. danger detection mode. It's probable that in hindsight, eventually you'll remember some things that had you been looking for it, would have clued you in to his differences. And in future will be able to use that information. But right now you're still processing it. Live and learn. There is really nothing you could have done or noticed at the time. Don't kick yourself over it. Calm down and use what you can now know, to be more aware in future (and at present, in dealing with him.) You're right, you have to stop looking for this person you thought you knew, and learn to look objectively at what really is in front of you, or by your side. This is one reason why people linger so long in front of a piece of art. They pick it apart to its basic elements to see how the artist has used the viewer's mind, and various techniques of painting/creation to "tweak" the view not by portraying reality, but by engaging the viewer's "vision" to see something, something that might not even be there in the details presented. Interesting stuff! But also, yes, frightening unless you decide to be more aware of your own process.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew I had married a very interesting woman.

Exactly how interesting I was to discover! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Are his skeletons related to his infidelity?
> 
> Is he grabbing on to you just as you are being repelled by him? Or does the knowledge of who he is inside drive the both of you further apart?
> 
> FWIW, I think the feelings of infatuation and love do an awful lot to paper over deeper issues, for good or ill.


Only related in the sense that if his mind works in that way, I see it was only a matter of time before something happened. He apparently has some messed up compulsions and mommy issues...ugh.
And yes, he's grabbing onto me just as I'm repelled.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> This is wrong thinking.
> 
> The fact is you married a betrayer and it is an addiction. Addicts hide themselves very well. They also evolve.
> 
> You're anything but stupid. Also, if that is really you in your avatar, you're also gorgeous. You're husband is a fool.


LOL, thank you, yes it's me in my avatar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thanks you guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Do not feel stupid! He showed you what he wanted to show you~I have known my STBX for 27 years, and he is still doing things that I would have thought were unimaginable for him to this day! I am starting to think he also has issues; definitely would benefit from a counselor, but as I learn new coping skills and am a much stronger woman than I used to be, I see him stuck in the same place and struggling. It makes me a little sad for him really. I am glad your husband is attempting to get help even if it makes you see him for who he really is.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You aren’t stupid, you are just human. I’d recommend this book called something like “living with the liar; the path to truthful relationships”. Why I liked it was for this very reason... “How could I not know this? I’m so stupid, ignorant and blind.” Filled with facts about how as a human, our default is to trust particularly with those we respect. As a human, our default is to paint ourselves in the best possible light to others. He had a skeleton and didn’t tell you probably because no one likes to reveal dirt about themselves. You probably have some of those too... And your default was to assume you knew him and he was not like that. In your head, you created the man you knew; Internally on his side, those pictures don’t align perfectly.

“I don’t know this man.” That’s also very normal to feel. The reality is, you do know him quite well, you just didn’t know some things. Those ‘some things’ created a trauma for you. So now they dominate your head while everything else you know about him is shoved into the background. It’s ok. Just sort of remember that you are doing this, and occasionally look for those things you do know like how you’d anticipate he’d react to whatever “I knew you were going to do that.” Later, as you R, it plays a bigger part. By remembering what you do know, which is a lot, it becomes easier to see the changes they are making in themselves. 

For instance; My wife used to hold grudges. She’d allow them balloon and fester inside. So I just sort of expecting it back then.. Now I can see that she’s doing something internally. She is owning that she goes off the rails and then starts working on repairing that damage. There is substantial change from how she used to be and handle things.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I have to ask....what is it with Texas?
I have a co-worker that moved here from Texas and he said you could make a soap opera series off of all the cheating and drama going on...
Do you feel that he got this way with your pushing him away, or vise versa?
+1, your a cutie


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I have to ask....what is it with Texas?
> I have a co-worker that moved here from Texas and he said you could make a soap opera series off of all the cheating and drama going on...
> Do you feel that he got this way with your pushing him away, or vise versa?
> +1, your a cutie


Were about do you stay at, so I can imagine in comparison...


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I have to ask....what is it with Texas?
> I have a co-worker that moved here from Texas and he said you could make a soap opera series off of all the cheating and drama going on...
> Do you feel that he got this way with your pushing him away, or vise versa?
> +1, your a cutie


Thanks! Are you asking if he started seeking other women because I was pushing away? Or did he start latching on because I was pushing him away? I think I started pulling away because of his actions and discoveries about himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Thats exactly how I feel. Before my AXW left our sons and I, she said "you really dont love me, you only love the idea of me". Yes, the person she created, and tried to be, is completely gone. The idea of describing who she is now, makes me sick. She couldnt keep up the charade, and the real person I, married slowly started coming out. Never thought a woman could be so devoid of empathy. It explains alot over the last 21 years.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Thanks! Are you asking if he started seeking other women because I was pushing away? Or did he start latching on because I was pushing him away? I think I started pulling away because of his actions and discoveries about himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The first part, or vice versa. My wife will often get stressed over work or family(her relatives health issues) and push me away and go cold. 
Or if you push him away because after some snooping you've found communications with other women I'd understand.
Trey, I live in the NW.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

badcompany said:


> The first part, or vice versa. My wife will often get stressed over work or family(her relatives health issues) and push me away and go cold.
> Or if you push him away because after some snooping you've found communications with other women I'd understand.
> Trey, I live in the NW.


Not at all. I was still intimate with him, tried to engage in conversations, tried to reel him back in when I saw that he was distant, etc. It was all coming from him and as far as I was concerned, he was shutting himself out despite my attempts.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I have been struggling with the same thing lately, the feeling I absolutely don't know the man I married over two decades ago. Sure, the man I thought I married wasn't perfect or anything but the things I think about him now, about the person I *guess* he really is, none of its good. I've really been more repulsed by him/the actions he took during the affair lately.

As an example, his OW is much younger than we are. Age gap relationships.... I'm normally a little skeptical of them but I tend to not be judgmental as long as, of course, both are of adult age. Although the OW is in fact an adult I have been super judgmental about the age difference between she and WS. I suppose it's my anger at him coming out, perhaps some at her as well. 

I don't like to cast myself as a victim in this but I do sometimes feel as though I was a victim of fraud. If that makes any sense :scratchhead:.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> I have been struggling with the same thing lately, the feeling I absolutely don't know the man I married over two decades ago. Sure, the man I thought I married wasn't perfect or anything but the things I think about him now, about the person I *guess* he really is, none of its good. I've really been more repulsed by him/the actions he took during the affair lately.
> 
> As an example, his OW is much younger than we are. Age gap relationships.... I'm normally a little skeptical of them but I tend to not be judgmental as long as, of course, both are of adult age. Although the OW is in fact an adult I have been super judgmental about the age difference between she and WS. I suppose it's my anger at him coming out, perhaps some at her as well.
> 
> I don't like to cast myself as a victim in this but I do sometimes feel as though I was a victim of fraud. If that makes any sense :scratchhead:.


I know exactly what you mean!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> LOL, thank you, yes it's me in my avatar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm moving to Texas!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Haha, you're too kind!


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I even wonder sometimes if he's even capable of loving. Maybe he's secretly a sociopath or has narcissistic personality disorder. Either way, I do feel like a victim of fraud, that's for sure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think he's someone with a lot of problems. The question is can he allow himself to be helped. And be the husband you want him to be. It's a long, hard road.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Not at all. I was still intimate with him, tried to engage in conversations, tried to reel him back in when I saw that he was distant, etc. It was all coming from him and as far as I was concerned, he was shutting himself out despite my attempts.


So, seeing your conversations you seem to have your **** together....and then your pics, I can't help but think....wtf was he thinking?
In the words of Beavis and Butthead "I'd never leave the house".

I'm married so please take it as a compliment and nothing more.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Yea no. 

There are interesting men out there who aren't cheaters. Mental health issues are one thing, but when you throw in the rest just forget it. 

You aren't responsible for fixing another person. I don't know why you're still with him.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

badcompany said:


> So, seeing your conversations you seem to have your **** together....and then your pics, I can't help but think....wtf was he thinking?
> In the words of Beavis and Butthead "I'd never leave the house".
> 
> I'm married so please take it as a compliment and nothing more.


LOL!! Thanks for the laugh!!

I don't want to sound full of myself, but sometimes I want to ask him the same thing, "hello...what are you thinking...you have ME at home and you think about throwing your marriage away for HER?! ARE YOU DUMB?!"


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

You have Evey right to be full of yourself imo. I'm learning one thing at tam is ws dont do much thinking. Take mine I make a good living my folks own the house we live in she has nothing with out me except the jobless bum om. I started 180 this morning so maybe I shouldn't be saying to much.


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