# It's like playing chess with him...



## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

It's late, I need to be in bed, so I'm just going to keep this as short as possible:

I live in Indiana.

There are four kids between us, three boys and a girl. The youngest boy is MINE and the girl is OURS. 

I don't work, I'm a SAHM, and a good one at that. I've always cared for the kids 24/7 essentially on my own. I can count on one hand how many times my H has fed/bathed/changed/taken to appointments, etc. 

My H has weird work hours (night shift) and when he gets home will not go to bed, no matter how often I ask. He usually ends up getting 3-4 hours of sleep before work, which in turn makes him exhausted/cranky/hateful, and because of this myself and the kids rarely see him, even when he is home. 

I can't leave him alone with the kids because he won't stay awake. I'm often stuck home in instances where taking the kids along isn't logical. Just this week I left for brief periods of time only to come home to find the house a wreck and him passed out on the couch (kids unattended). 

We don't have sex hardly ever. We had a discussion a month ago about making time to have sex at least twice a week. We've been intimate three times since then. 

As I said, he's hateful. He stays so tired, when he is home he doesn't want to fool with the kids or he's unreasonably hard on them or snappy.

Even if he's off work for the second day in a row and sees that I'm struggling with the kids or dinner or housework or whatever and there are still things to be done, he just sits on his butt and watches tv. 

My car broke back in October. Pretty expensive fix, and the money isn't there to pay for it. I have been stuck home without a vehicle to get the kids around for seven months now, and he has b his work car, a motorcycle, a boat, and three other completely working "play cars" that just sit in our front yard and all I hear about that is "I don't want to sell those, we'll save the money to fix your car". That still hasn't happened. 

Trying to talk to him is like playing chess. He keeps asking me what's wrong and I tell him, and suddenly he's got a huge list of offenses that I'd yet to hear about until that very second. For example, two weeks ago I told him I was sick of not having sex and sick of trying to initiate and being shot down, and I was to the point that I was too scared th even try, and asking made me feel like less of a woman. I said it calmly, honestly and without anger. His response? "I'm sick of you never going anywhere and feeling like hi have to ask permission to go anywhere". The f***? How does one go with the other? Well, I'm usually a huge door mat but I stood up for myself and basically told him how ridiculous he was being. Now apparently I don't like his family and never dig anything. Idk. 

I think the major turning point was three nights ago. My phone was dead so I borrowed his, and went to get online and when I started searching it brought up recently searched. I was concerned, so I checked out the browser history. What do I find? PORN. PORN PORN AND MORE FRIGGIN PORN. Every time he's telling me he's on Facebook he's actually checking out other naked women. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't bother me because we've enjoyed porn together before. What really gets me is the fact that all week he's been "too tired/sore" to be with me, but he can go visit a porn site. It doesn't make sense. 

Over all, I'm considering a separation. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore. The problem is, I have no income whatsoever, no car, and nowhere to stay after the fact. That, and I can only imagine how nasty he'd be when I told him and that scares me. 

So if anybody has any advice that would be great. I'm at the end of my rope and I have no idea how to proceed. 

Any advice or encouragement or something to help me sort this out? 

Thanks so much in advance.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Porn addiction destroys men. There is a good TED talk about it

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Before you separate, go through the finances get all your records in place and look for a job to support yourself. In 98% of abusive relationships, financial abuse occurs alongside the emotional, psychological and/or physical abuse and it only intensifies when the woman attempts to leave or leave.

In many cases women end up going back to the abuser due to financial strains. When you are dealing with an angry partner and in pain you may see how money is not important, freedom, respect and mental health are the issues and you are correct. BUT nevertheless look for even a part time job before you broach the subject of separation.

No time with the kids and all the work you have? Then how can you leave? 41% of fathers make zero payments on child support or pay it late. Remember that.

You opened the porn can of worms and so you will get opinions that it is no big deal, but if it is a big deal to you then it is in fact a big deal.

Porn can be addictive and for all the glorious praises you may hear of how it did not affect some people, know that it has in fact caused a lot of damage for others.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

STM, could you clarify one thing for me? You say 4 children, 3 boys, one girl, the daughter is both of yours, and the youngest son is yours only. So the 2 older boys are his sons, and you had your son with another man (before your daughter was born to both of ya'll? Do I have that right?

Okay. He doesn't get enough sleep which contributes to him acting like a butthead. But if you set him to watching the kids, he falls asleep. May I suggest putting a TV in the bedroom, and having him watch the kids in there as quick as possible after he gets home? That will put him to sleep, you come in and take over watching the kids, and he gets a good day's rest. Maybe that will reduce the bad attitude.

If you need to drive around and there are 3 "play cars" sitting in the front yard, it seems like you have a solution, right there. Get the keys and drive whichever car you want to. If your husband complains, tell him that he is a failure as men go and to just STFU.

If you calmly explain a problem to him and he begins listing out a bunch of things you have done wrong as some kind redirection strategy, tell him that men solve problems, and he needs to check and see if he has any balls before he starts complaining and whining like a b*tch.

I would also let him know that you had some serious concerns about that whole "does he have any balls" thing and that you found out that he is surfing lots of porn. Based on that, you feel that your concerns are justified, and are worried that he can't handle a real live woman.

Before you do all this, you need to, ahem, grab your ovaries and (wo)man up yourself. Borrow one of the play cars and go visit with a lawyer who specializes in divorce. Take a list of marital assets with you, such as the cars, boat, bike, house, etc. Also a copy of a recent pay stub from your husband.

The lawyer should be able to give you a good idea of what you would get, if you divorced your husband. This will include child support. Men get bent over and screwed by the family court system anyway, so there is a pretty good chance that you would get the house.

Its important for you to know this information so that you can factor it into your decision making with respect to the future of the marriage. Hopefully, armed with this knowledge, you will be able to, er, persuade your husband to not be such a poor partner.

As a side observation, the handle "Surviving This Marriage" suggests to me that you're in a really dysfunctional situation, that you know this, and that you are a conscious participant in its continuation.

If this is the case, you have my pity, and you can (and will) disregard all the suggestions listed above.

But if you don't want to do better for yourself, you should at least want to do better for your kids.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

It is not accurate to say men get bent over by the legal system at least in the United States and if you "win" and "get" a house that is not paid for then you will have to make payments. Even if he is ordered to make your house payments and he choses to stop, quits or loses his job then you are SOL and still in an abusive relationship because there goes the house. The best legal advice I can give you is to NOT count on payments, houses or look at anything being "awarded" to you. It has become extremely difficult to patrol verdicts made in family courts.

One of the things that I learned in leaving an abusive situation is that the better you are prepared to fend for yourself AFTER you leave BEFORE you leave, the better off you will be. In the fog of abuse and the pain people realize that money is not happiness, then women leave, then they struggle financially or believe myths that there are bevies of people helping "battered" women (there are NOT), shelters are a GREAT option (they are not necessarily) and that the legal system will just get the man to pay up or he will go to jail like the bum he is (hardly).

Can he go to sleep? Is he taking or using things that keep him awake thus he cannot fall asleep when he gets home?

Here is the good news, you can go from "surviving" in pain with someone holding you back to "surviving" without someone holding you back to a chance at "thriving."

You CAN take care of yourself, remember that feelings of helplessness and worthless are products of abuse. Stay strong and good luck to you.


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## pakmenu (May 24, 2014)

Recognize the complaining. In my marriage it's me who does it. I know I'm wrong. But I think I do it because I'm hurt for many reasons by my wife. I so much agree with a book called 'the act of marriage' that marriage is really about having good sex (having orgasms together), but also other forms of love, reading it makes me cry, as i think: that's the way it *should* be! 
myself atleast if my wife would tell me to shut up I would, but she doesn't. she just runs and refuses me. I had a mother who would always love us by telling us what we did wrong and warning us what *could* go wrong. I understand she did it only to prevent harm from us, but didn't build our confidence. I also agree I think he probably doesn't love himself. 
I think that leaving the sponge in the dishwater IS not a thing i'd like either ;-) You are so right about all the things you did for him, but you NEED to take credit for it, otherwise he'll just not see them, or only after you divorce. And tell him in a nice way that HE could then be the one to take the sponge out of the water. In my case i know the things i complain to her, i realize i could also do FOR HER when i notice she forgot them. But *some* things i really repeat 50 times and she just never listens. The BIG problem is that she just does whatever she wants anyway. (sold the house we first stayed at (while i offered to pay her more for it), opened businesses i didn't agree with, etc, and one time cheated on me) Socially though i (used to) listen to her when told not to see this friend or that. But in the house one thing i did not listen (I want to take out my shoes in the bedroom and not downstairs) but really, usually i am the one to communicate about things in the house, and she the one about social affairs we have to go to. Me i refuse to go to social events when i don't want to, and she doesn't want to do the household things i ask her.. Really ofcourse silly things like that ARE NOT THE ISSUE. Feelings are and how the way he reacts make you feel. And sex... analize the hurts you have felt being rejected, and the ones he endured (or ask him). It's important to work on it. Getting relaxation by a good orgasm can nullify a lot of silly complaints! Though huge structural deficiency in contributing cannot be fixed that way, atleast the WILL to work on it can be fixed, and that's an absolute neccessary to improve things. Though your arguments seem completely watertight, his could seem watertight to him (though it's true they sound more made up and he's lazy like most men). 
What I think IS important is that when somone has a complaint, the way you rispond maybe makes him feel that instead of caring about him, you nullify his complaint by listing all the things you've done. Nevertheless being a person who -as soon as i feel my wife has a listening ear- will list more and more things that i want changed, i seem to purposely do it and with such force and velocity to make certain she goes into escape mode. In reality I find i always run away when SHE asks for intimacy. This because she has several times interupted halfway , and i feel so vulnerable to get hurt. I overcompensate by all the time wanting affection for her, which she then always refuses. Not a healthy cycle. I've decided that i'll just take what i want when she refuses, and it has helped somewhat though i sometimes ask myself if it's right (was a feminist previously in life). But I do it to save our marriage. The best thing i could do is to be a strong leader instead of a begging husband (begging for a kiss here, a hug there). But it's hard when in my family my mum was the boss. ok it's getting too long, I don't have clear answers, but I think you're WRONG thinking/concluding from his lazyass input and compleining that he DOESN'T CARE. A person who doesn't care, you know what they do? they say nothing, as they don't care. To me al his compleining signifies that he cares a great deal, because the primary function of complaint (for him) is hoping he'll make things better, he just didn't figure out he can so much more make things better by just doing the things himself instead of complaining to you, and he doesn't realize that it makes you feel that he DOESN'T love you, while HIS intent is probably that HE DOES (in his llazyass way)...... I can't say that leaving him wouldn't be a good option, but i see a last chance, and i REALLY RECCOMMEND letting him take care of the children and everything for a few days. (his days off?) just dissapear and do not be available for him. That'll teach him! and he might spend more time with the children.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

First of all, it is clear he has issues but his unwillingness to not have sex might be for fear he can't perform. The mainstream psychiatry is not taking porn seriously, yet, there are boatloads of anecdotal evidence that it can lead to erectile disfunction. Basically the man hypersexualizes ideal women and exciting situations so much that simple good old loving with any women, particularly a familiar one, is not enough to excite him and keep him going. 

It is really common but also fairly easy to fix if he gives up porn and masturbation for about 90 days. 

It is not an 'addiction' in the classical sense but it is a pavlovian conditioning through powerful brain chemicals that govern desire and pleasure.

Here is some reading for you:

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

There is a women's support section on this companion forum:

Your Brain Rebalanced - Overcoming Pornography Addiction


Good luck


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