# Does my husband want me to get a divorce



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi My husband is a real a*&^hole. He hasn't been home for a week and then complains that he can't watch our 2 year old son for the day while I work. I was also sick today! I gave him a grocery list and he went and ate lunch at WholeFoods but "forgot" to get any groceries.He also forgot to bring me home any lunch. We had to go later on and I did the shopping. I cooked dinner and ended up watching and bathing our son tonight while my husband slept. He also slept for three hours today while our son was sleeping. Then he was "moody" and mad all day because he knew I wasn't going to want to go to this "party" with him tonight because I was sick. These people have a party every weekend so it wasn't a special occasion that he had been planning on or anything. He's like " I guess I can't go" and " I guess I have to call her and tell her I can't come tonight" etc. Our son was alittle sick too! Finally I was like " Just go. Please and stop being in a bad mood so that it is like using your displeasure to try and get your way" Which I never said he couldn't go or anything. In fact, I told him to go if he wanted to. He always has "depression" but won't take his pills anything like regular and then he gets mad at me all the time and always acts like if he watches our son or does any house work or if I spend any money that it's a huge favor he's doing me. He's like 13 going on thirty. Do you think he is really mentally ill or just using that to get his way? I guess if he is using it, then that is sick anyways. I am so tired of dealing with him. He actually makes my life harder instead of easier. He says he loves me one day and the next that I am the cause of all his problems. Sucks. I just try to ignore him and remember that I control my emotions. :smthumbup: Thanks for reading this


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

It sounds like your husband wants the perks of being a married "man", but none of the responsibilities...like a child.

He needs to get his priorities straight. Period. Ignoring him is not the answer, it's just going to enable him to keep acting like a moron. Have you tried to have real, sit down, grown up conversation about how this makes you feel?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

No.. It does not sound like your husband wants a divorce.

Why would he? He has you to mother him. And then, if you did divorce him, He'd have to actually WATCH his son on day's he had custody. 

Nope, He's just using you to the best of his ability. 

He is not 13 going on 30... He is acting like his brain is stuck in teenage "me" thoughts. He is 13 going on 13... And sounds like for the 8th or 9th year in a row.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Was he taking his depression pills when you married or met him?

If so, sit down & tell him that is a stipulation of the marriage. He has to control his depression. If it is controlled by meds, then so be it. If not.. then you're walking.

(But don't make empty threats... It will only backfire on you in the future.)


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

It doesn't sound like he wants a divorce. Being mentally ill is no excuse for being an ass to people either. You can be seriously mentally ill and still be nice to people. I'm not just talking out of no experience either..I have tons of experience with mental illness issues.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

venuslove said:


> I gave him a grocery list and he went and ate lunch at WholeFoods but "forgot" to get any groceries.He also forgot to bring me home any lunch. We had to go later on and I did the shopping. I cooked dinner and ended up watching and bathing our son tonight while my husband slept. He also slept for three hours today while our son was sleeping. Then he was "moody" and mad all day because he knew I wasn't going to want to go to this "party" with him tonight because I was sick. These people have a party every weekend so it wasn't a special occasion that he had been planning on or anything. He's like " I guess I can't go" and " I guess I have to call her and tell her I can't come tonight" etc. Our son was alittle sick too! Finally I was like " Just go. Please and stop being in a bad mood so that it is like using your displeasure to try and get your way" this


Here are 2 fine examples of passive aggression. 
He did not forget to pick up groceries and he did not forget to pick up your lunch. You were expecting him to do something he did not want to do, so he decided if he "forgets", you will do it yourself later. And it worked. And to throw an extra jab in there, he "forgot" while he was in that exact store he was supposed to do the shopping and pick up your lunch.
He knew your son was ill and you were too. He really wanted to go to the party. He needed for you to tell him to go, rather than be an @ss and just leave on his own. This is why he kept up the pity party and acted like a 4 year old until you finally told him to go.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Where was he gone to for a week?

Does he work?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

venuslove said:


> *Hi My husband is a real a*&^hole.* He hasn't been home for a week and then complains that he can't watch our 2 year old son for the day while I work. I was also sick today! I gave him a grocery list and he went and ate lunch at WholeFoods but "forgot" to get any groceries.He also forgot to bring me home any lunch. We had to go later on and I did the shopping. I cooked dinner and ended up watching and bathing our son tonight while my husband slept. He also slept for three hours today while our son was sleeping. Then he was "moody" and mad all day because he knew I wasn't going to want to go to this "party" with him tonight because I was sick. These people have a party every weekend so it wasn't a special occasion that he had been planning on or anything. He's like " I guess I can't go" and " I guess I have to call her and tell her I can't come tonight" etc. Our son was alittle sick too! Finally I was like " Just go. Please and stop being in a bad mood so that it is like using your displeasure to try and get your way" Which I never said he couldn't go or anything. In fact, I told him to go if he wanted to. He always has "depression" but won't take his pills anything like regular and then he gets mad at me all the time and always acts like if he watches our son or does any house work or if I spend any money that it's a huge favor he's doing me. He's like 13 going on thirty. Do you think he is really mentally ill or just using that to get his way? I guess if he is using it, then that is sick anyways. I am so tired of dealing with him. He actually makes my life harder instead of easier. He says he loves me one day and the next that I am the cause of all his problems. Sucks. I just try to ignore him and remember that I control my emotions. :smthumbup: Thanks for reading this


This made me laugh out loud  Carry on...


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

In reading your posts and those dating back as far as April 2012, theses behaviors are not knew or surprising to you, unless as time goes by you have forgotten and forgiven. His depression, according to you and your past post, date back to his high school days. Meds are and have been necessary for him. You have dealt with him, his MIL and how he accepted and/or has not accepted fatherhood and his responsibilities to it.

so here is my questions to you: Do YOU want a divorce? Do you need us to validate YOUR reasons for a divorce? when will YOU reach your breaking point? and finally, If not love, what keeps you in this marriage?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

pepsi1967 said:


> so here is my questions to you: Do YOU want a divorce? Do you need us to validate YOUR reasons for a divorce? when will YOU reach your breaking point? and finally, If not love, what keeps you in this marriage?


:iagree: Exactly. Before you reach your breaking point, if you really want to save your marriage & have a husband that is not an a$$ hole, then,... You've got to draw a line in the sand.

A definite STRONG line in the sand. Make sure he knows it.. and make sure you don't adjust the boundary lines when he crosses them. (Because He WILL.)

Stick to your guns. He won't grow up until he is made to grow up.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

This behavior is simply unacceptable. He is definitely exhibiting passive aggressive behavior. Your right, he is an a$$hole for sure.

Do yourself a favor. Either tell him that he has to leave, or you and your child are leaving. You definitely have to show him that actions have consequences. In this case, since you are not helping him feel better, he doesn't need you around.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you for replying everyone! My husband was not an a*&^hole yesterday. See it is like every other day, etc. Somedays he sh*ts and it comes out smelling like a rose. But, its all manipulative. Like this morning he made breakfast and watched our son so I could get a little extra sleep. But, last night he refused to let me give our son ibuprofren before bed because he is sick. I knew that I was going to be in for another long night is he was stuffy and feeling bad. And I was!! 
So, it seems nice that he made breakfast and let me sleep in, but it is mostly to cover his tracks for his mistakes. He also left early to have lunch with friends but told me he had to leave to do work related stuff. 
Yeah, so I do want a divorce most days but him and his nutzo family will get my son half time. That is my major reason for staying.
No, he did not take meds before I met him and he did not elaborate on his depression. He told me once that he had gotten depressed when he left home and went to college for the first year. Guess I just blew it off as depressed like feeling a little bad and homesick, not like medicated, life long, suicidal, clinical depression. SO no I did not know about this before we got married.
I did draw the line for him to take his damn pills. After two years of him saying he would and only taking them for two weeks at a stretch. Anyways, he has taken them for maybe a month now (still missing days) and this is BETTER for him. 
So, thank you for posting. Thank you for your suggestions.
I will definitely start giving out real consequences for hs actions. Sucks that you have to teach someone how to treat you, but I guess that it is what it is 
My son is beautiful. We have beautiful days together and for now my H student loans- he is almost thirty btw- are allowing me to stay at home with him through toddlerhood. So, I will probably stay if it doesn't get any worse again. 
Thank you so much have a beautiful peaceful day:smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if you stay with this man you will be sorry.


and if you draw a line in the sand you will eventually get tired of all the arguing and he will end up with what he wants mostly anyways.


the vast majority of people do not change! (unless they want to)
and he dosen't want to. his actions speak louder than words. 


my opinion is leave as for him and his family getting the child half the time ....he probably will drop the ball on that so you will get the majority of the time anyways.

cut your losses.

JMHO.

good luck with whatever you decide.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Where has he been for a week? 
And the party host is a she? "I guess I tell her I'm not going". That person means more to him than his sick wife and child? Wow.

Another quote : "He also left early to have lunch with friends but told me he had to leave to do work related stuff. "

I hate to say, but it all indicates that he is cheating. Don't know if he also wants a divorce, but you should want one.
Get a voice activated recorder or a small hidden camera for his car and a keylogger for his comp as all the members recommend in suspicious situations. And read the Coping With Infidelity forum for more advice on how to protect yourself and cope with it.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks. I just did something probably stupid and asked to see his phone. He keeps it with him at all times and is getting texts at like 11pm etc. Well, he woul dnot let me see it. He would not let me see his messages or anything. I threatened him, I told him that I felt really insecure sometimes and that I know it feels like an invasion of privacy and I am sorry for that but that I would just feel a lot better if I got to see his phone and that I wouldn't like delve into all his stuff. Nope nothing worked. He kept it hidden under his chest and is now sleeping with it. Ha! Got to be cheating. Of course the last time that I got to look at his phone like a year and ten months ago I found texts to his mom bashing me and that is why he didn't want me to see it. Then he called me aparanoid psycho and to leave him alone. And if I didn't then he would call the cops. ALl this because I want to see his phone. I admit I was rather childish and tried to take it from under his chest and he ripped me around and wrenched it out of my hand and I now have bruises on my arm. Oh my god- he really is doing something terrible or he just really doesn't care about me and likes to hurt me. This SUCKS!


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

He also just "allowed" me to buy a computer as I am trying to earn money by online freelancing. This way he gets to use his computer without me ever going on there. ANd I being paranoid? Should I have not asked him to see hi sphone? Would that piss you off? Would you let your spouse see your phone and emails? He will never let me see his emails. God I am so stupid


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes I would let my spouse see my phone and emails. There is nothing to get upset and defensive about, IF there is nothing to hide.
I think you're being played. You should demand access to his comp and phone. Give yours too so that he doesn't feel "offended". If he does, there's a biggie there that he's hiding. 
A keylogger for his comp is the next step.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

...As my mother always said, the truth will come to the light of day! hang in there, he will now become more guarded with his phone and whereabouts. so sorry your going through this.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

There are definitely all sorts of red flags.

But it boils down to what would you do worst case scenario? If you found proof that he was cheating, would you leave? If you would, then I think you should at least look up and contact a good lawyer, because frankly, it doesn't look good. And then your H would know that you're serious.

But if you wouldn't leave anyway, because of your son or because of finances or because you want to make it work or whatever reason, then just let it go an don't worry about the truth. Don't worry about looking at his phone or email. Just assume he is cheating and do whatever it is you would do in that case.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Don't put anything in writing in texts or e-mails that have to do with any physical contact.....not even to say you do it in a joking manner. He can use it against you later on.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

> God I need to leave him.


 Yes, you do. No one would suggest it will be easy, but you need to salvage what's left of YOU.

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds very messed up.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you. It is. His parents sort of pitted us against each other. We let it happen though, especially him.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What does you husband do for a living?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

This has officially reached an inappropriate level, OP - you two are now having physical confrontations and the police are becoming involved. 

What is this teaching your son?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

venuslove said:


> Do you think he is really mentally ill or just using that to get his way?


As PieceOfSky, KathyBatesel, and I explained on 7/3, many of the behaviors you describe are classic traits of BPD. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/94441-husband-mentally-ill.html#post2939977. It is _easy_ to spot the warning signs for BPD if you take time to learn what red flags to look for. What is _difficult_ is determining whether those traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that. Hence, although you are capable of spotting the red flags, you would have to see a professional to obtain a diagnosis.


> He's like 13 going on thirty.


Venus, if he has strong BPD traits, his emotional age likely is far below 13 years. For such people, emotional development typically is frozen at about the level of a 3 or 4 year old. The result is that they have little control over their emotions, which is why they frequently exhibit temper tantrums and verbal abuse that typically last about five hours (only rarely as long as 18 hours).


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

sorry venus... but he's cheating.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

I know this is messed up. Thank god we only "talk" about stuff now when our son is sleeping. He slept through the whole thing. But yes, it is still not good for him of course. He knew "mommie is worried" the next day or two. They know everything even at two.
I am worried about what I am turning into too. I used threats to try and get the phone (after he threatened to call the cops and then gave me the password and started to hand the phone to me and then snatched it back) he is very good at intentional provocation. 
Not that that means I should have used threats. So, we are getting separated finally. I found out that he has been telling everyone at his work that I am abusive and unstable. Ha. I guess I should let them know he is the one since they could end up being there at court?
Thank you to everyone who has posted replies and shared their own lives sometimes as sad as it is, this forum was my only outlet. Thank you!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Good luck hun.

It'll be a long trek ahead of you.. but the journey could have definite relief at the end.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*"I do want a divorce most days but him and his nutzo family will get my son half time. That is my major reason for staying."*

This is NOT even a logical reason for staying. It is defeating the purpose of what you're trying to accomplish.

1.) You can divorce him and have your son 1/2 or more of the time. During this time YOU are teaching him how to treat people, how to be responsible, how to interact with others, how to be an adult, etc. You are demonstrating and expecting responsible behavior from your son.

He then spends 1/2 of less of the time with his asshat father & family during which time your son WILL figure out what an asshat his father is (no need for you to even point it out!)

2.) You can stay in this crappy marriage and let your son learn all the unspoken lessons on how to treat people shabbily, how to be a liar, a conniver, a manipulator, a snake, (and probably a cheater, too) etc. Doesn't matter WHAT *you* say to your son...he'll be watching all the crap your H dishes out and YOU ACCEPT.

*Now, which scenario actually seems to have a better chance of teaching your son how to be a mature, responsible adult?*

ETA: I have a now-15yo who knows what an ass her father is. She can watch him acting like one. She's told me what she thinks of him, and it's not flattering! I don't encourage such discussion from her, but neither do I lie to her and tell her, 'Oh no! You're misunderstanding him.' or 'I'm sure you didn't hear him right.' or 'Perhaps that's not how he really meant it.' She's figured it out for herself. YOUR SON will, too!


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