# depressed about upcoming 25th anniversary



## dmanley (May 17, 2012)

yes, believe it or not, I'm really depressed over our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. my relationship with my wife is not very good and I feel like a real hypocrite about the whole idea of celebrating it. i always at least bought her a card for our anniversary, but she doesn't even do that for me. she pretty much treats me with contempt most of the time to be honest. i really don't think i deserve it either. it's been this way for most of our marriage, but she won't go see a marriage counselor despite my request to. I've already seen 2 different ones on my own. the only reason i don't leave her is that we have 4 kids ranging in age from 12 to 22. I wanted to at least stay till the youngest was out of high school. not sure i can last that long though. I have a sneaking suspicion that her sisters are planning some type of celebration for our anniversary, but i feel like i don't even want any part of it. i also feel like i wouldn't know what gift to get her either (as if she would actually get me something). but I'd feel like a real @ss if she got me something and i didn't get her anything. i don't think anyone can help me. I guess i'm just venting.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If you really want out, go for God's sake!

I'm sure your kids know that your wife treats you like crap. Do you want them to continue to think that this is what a marriage should be?

If she's really such a miserable shrew to you, give her what you want for your anniversary - Divorce Papers


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Toffer said:


> If she's really such a miserable shrew to you, give her what you want for your anniversary - Divorce Papers


Serve her at the anniversary party.

I'm mostly kidding; just a down day for me. Oh, 28 years and counting for me.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It does not sound like you two have anything to celebrate, and contempt is a sign of a failed marriage.

If you believe there is any chance of re-igniting your love, I would plan an experience together rather than getting a gift. A cruise, a trip to the city where you were married, somewhere you both have always wanted to go. Perhaps getting away from everyday stresses would be an opportunity to re-connect.

But if this would just feel like rewarding her bad behavior, I agree that divorce papers are in order rather than waste any more of your lives being miserable together. Your children know you are in a bad marriage, and they will likely be relieved that it is over.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dmanley said:


> I'm really depressed over our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary.
> 
> she pretty much treats me with contempt most of the time to be honest. i really don't think i deserve it either. it's been this way for most of our marriage, but she won't go see a marriage counselor despite my request to.
> 
> ...


If you didn't think anyone could help you, I do not believe you would have sought out this forum. To begin with, you are miserable. Your kids know you are miserable. Staying for the "sake of the children" is not a viable reason to stay.

You and your wife are role models for your children. They will learn how to interact with their partners based on how they see the two of you behaving.

You can remain in victim mode. It is your right. Or you can man-up and end this miserable marriage. Your wife is not interested in seeing a marriage counselor. My guess is she is not that emotionally invested in the marriage. Yeah, she's invested in dumping her toxic waste on you, but other than that ... you are probably a paycheck.

Please consider this: LIFE IS SHORT. Even if you live to be 85, life is still short. You can stay where you are, sweating it out for another five or six years, or you can get the heck out of this.

BTW, I would NOT expose myself in any way to a sham 25th wedding anniversary celebration. It's time to grow a pair, sir, and this is the perfect opportunity to do it.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 

What do you want exactly? Work on your marriage or turn the page?
In your writing, it looks to me that you are ready to turn the page, but you won't for the sake of your kids...
You know, I'm a kid from divorce's parent, and I'm not dead or screw up  I'm way more happy to see them happy. Imagine if they did stay together for me and my sister...Humm, well my picture of love wouldn't be the same as what I have right now...Mommy in the bed and dad on the couch, yelling, no kisses or hugs....no affection at all...You know, parents are the model of their kids and the way you live your relationship is going to affect your kid's life and relationship.....hummmm....what are your thoughts now?
So what do you want now?


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## dmanley (May 17, 2012)

wow, i didn't think i'd get any response, but everybody is right on. the biggest reason i'm staying for the kids is because I would rather deal with her BS than not be able to see my kids every day and be part of their lives. i know people say you can be a big part of their lives even living separately, but i simply can't believe i would even know about what all they are doing and the troubles they're having if i were to just call every day or just see them on weekends. that's why i'm trying to just hang in there for a few more years. i do talk to my kids about our situation and yes, they do know what the score is. heck even my wife's brother wonders how i stayed with her so long - lol! i'd love to give her a card that included papers, but i'm not the type to make a public scene. i'm not afraid or need to 'grow a pair', i'm just a bit more calculated than that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dmanley said:


> I would rather deal with her BS than not be able to see my kids every day and be part of their lives.


I respect your choice. However, do not be surprised if your children gravitate towards partners with similar characteristics to your wife's. On the other hand, why not just kind of cut her out as best you can and put your focus solely on the children?

I am sure they would appreciate it. It sounds like they know the score and see their mom for who she is.



dmanley said:


> i'm not afraid or need to 'grow a pair', i'm just a bit more calculated than that.


Yeah, you kinda do need to grow a pair. Why? Because you are allowing your wife to pull some unacceptable crap. No, you shouldn't be a caveman and hit her over the head with a club for being a beyotch. But, you need to set boundaries. Let her know - and let your kids see - that you will not tolerate her disrespectful or contemptuous comments or tone of voice.

If she doesn't want to treat you in a respectful manner, how about taking the kids on a week long vacation this summer - minus "Mrs. Lovely"? Camping is a wonderful way to bond with your children, because you all act as a team to set up camp, cook, clean up, and plan activities.

You sound like a great father. Find ways to work around your wife. Hey, if you feel you have to go to the 25th anniversary "celebration" then go. Why not kill wifey with kindness and give her a bouquet of flowers .... in front of the entire family?


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## dmanley (May 17, 2012)

Thought I'd follow up with this. my anniversary was wednesday and as soon as i woke up i wished her a happy anniversary, to which she replied "oh geez". then i said i wanted to take us all out for dinner to celebrate and she replied that she had "nothing to celebrate." so we did nothing for our anniversary. the week before she told me not to get her anything, so i was kinda relieved. i knew nothing would make her happy anyway. her sisters sort of forced us to go out with them saturday night. funny how it was ok when her sister wanted us to go out, but not when it was my idea. that was the last straw for me to be told that she had nothing to celebrate after 25 years (despite our 4 wonderful boys and everything else she is blessed with). how insulting! i am actively searching for my own house. as soon as i can leave i will do so. it's just so depressing, though.


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## squeeky (Jun 22, 2012)

dmanly I am so sorry about your anniversery experience
I wander why she is so cold and callous. You sound so caring and concerned. I too have a 20 year aniversary up comming and I am cellebrating by my husband leaving me for another women. 
Look at this as a new beginning a time to pamper yourself and venture out for you. I know this is eaiser said than done. Im gooing to work real hard at this myself good luck and know you are a wonderful person


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sure it's depressing. And once you leave, it's kind of confusing, because part of you mourns what SHOULD have been and the other part of you is immensely relieved. A weight WILL be lifted. You'll see.

Also, your kids are old enough to think for themselves at this point. Don't be surprized if some of them want to go with Dad. Keep that in mind when you look for a place. Especially with boys, I think they might impress you. 

Try not to fall apart, let them see a grown man handling things in a mature manner... 

Good luck!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dmanley,

Im happy to see that you've decided that enough is enough. I know your kids will understand and will appreciate that fact that you'll be an even better father after you get out from under your wife's thumb. 

I am sure in the long run you'll be happier and you'll find someone to truly care for you


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

My ex is is a lot like your W. It was while I was trying to plan a trip for our 30th anniversary that I realized I would rather spend the money on a divorce. It was the best anniversary present I ever got.


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## Anastasia Steele (Nov 9, 2012)

Having just had my own 25th anniversary and feeling just like you, I' m glad you made the decision to move out. I'm in the same situation and have done counseling twice. I just wish I had done more with my life. Got a career and had job so I too could move out. We decided for me to be a stay at home mom aka slave. Which in retrospect i screwed myself. My husband tells me every day he loves me, gives me a kiss in the morning, and that's the extent of our affection. We haven't been intimate in 3 years. I too need to grow a pair. You sound like the man I wanted to marry. CARING & COMPASSIONATE!


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