# the ultimate in difficult beginnings to marriage! HELP!



## agoodyoungman (Feb 7, 2008)

hello all,

I must say I feel sad writing on some website, but I just need as much help as I can get at this point. 

Basically I got married 2 months ago, and right afterwards I found out my wife was abused severely in many ways! First: She touched by some older man when she 11ish and then several other times wierd situations with men happened to her (2 times guys came and pulled down their pants in front of her for some reason and some guy pulled her into an elevator and touched her...) OK. Then I find out her mother her whole life has been treating her like garbage! VERBAL and emotional abuse! She would buy nice modest clothes and her mom would randomly go into her room and throw her clothes out the window cause she said its not modest!!! Additionally I found out her own brother for sometime would sneak into her room to try to take a peek but she would move so he would get scared and she developed a fear everynite that he would come in (Even though he never actually did anything..) 

like -- HOLY MOLY!!!!! So basically she never told anyone anything but she developed a super strong belief that: MEN ARE DISGUSTING ANIMALS! and somehow i don't know how we were set up and her friends really helped her to get engaged and then we got married i had no idea before we got married, but who cares now we are married and she is the best girl in the world for me if only she could beat these problems.

So she has been going to therapy twice a week but its not helping. She *HATES* all forms of intimacy. Even when I touch her shoulder it makes her tense, and she HATES kissing, and obviously hates anything more 'intimate'. But she pushes what she feels away for me, basically allowing me to kiss her while she supresses her feelings.

Anyways things are hard. Our relationship is totally superficial sadly, she cannot open up at all! I ask her a question and she just sits there like frozen!!!! HOLY MOLY!!! I have never seen anything like it! she can talk with a smile about how this happened and this story about her friend etc etc... but then I ask her, how are you feeling about ___ And she locks up!!

Basically folks: she is super depressed post traumatic syndrome, with no self-esteem or confidence and being married to me is like being married to that which stimulates and enflames what your avoiding etc...

As mentioned before she sees a therapist that we pay lots of money for (my parents don't help for nothing and I'm starting to take loans...) but she doenst even want to go, doesn't take the therapist seriously and is totally blocked.

I have my own issues of course (family line of depression and substance abuse 'bad genes' from my fathers side...) but I have worked with great mentors to get to a self-sufficent place, and using all the tools I gained I must say: MY WIFE IS SLOWLY GOING TO FALL APART UNLESS I COME UP WITH SOME WINNING STRATEGY!!!!!!!!!


AHHH I was always the cool guy, the smart guy, the charismatic guy, and now I'm the guy who is stuck in a really hard situation. I Didn't even know such a situation could exist!!! and now here I am living with the most wonderful woman who is living in a jail unhappy and unable to break out!!! AHHH HELP!!!


:scratchhead:


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## gingerb (Jan 21, 2008)

Wow! My advise is to do everything in your power to get her the professional help she needs. But if she doesn't trust her doctor then she needs to see someone else . . . a woman for sure. You're going to have to proove to her that you ARE a good guy, she CAN trust you. You said she's going to therapy, is this a psychiatrist? Perhaps she needs some medicine to help her get past this. 

I wish you and your wife luck. She is lucky to be with someone that loves her this much.


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## ronnieswifey1120 (Feb 8, 2008)

I can definitely relate to your wife. I came from an abusive past which has caused me to really shut down. I actually just came clean with my husband about my past. Coming from a hard past, I have trouble trusting and when I feel "stuck," I immediately shut down. I've gone to therapists when I was younger but it didn't seem to help as much as having my husband in my life now. 

We have problems and insecurities but there's just something about him that makes me feel safe. My past doesn't seem to haunt me very much anymore. My husband does a lot to prove to me that he is my knight in shining armor who will take me away from the pain. It hasn't been easy and I still tend to "relapse" from time to time. In the end, his unconditional love and support is what got me through the rough spots. He does get a bit impatient and stubborn but he really makes an effort to provide comfort and understanding.

One time we got into a huge fight and I felt like I lost all trust in him. It got REALLY bad and I won't elaborate too much. But it got to the point where I was kinda scared of him and would flinch when he'd attempt to touch me or come near me.. again, a relapse. He would say 'I love you' but I couldn't find the strength to say it back. It made him upset, then he calmed down and in the kindest voice said "I love you no matter what. When you're ready to tell me you love me again, I'll be here." After him saying that, it took me about 20 minutes to calm down and register. After it sunk in, we shared a non sexual intimate moment in the shower where we just emotionally connected again.

I think you need to just be patient and try your hardest to understand your wife. She's been through a lot and sometimes the cure to the pain is love and security. Once she feels secure with you, it will start to get better.

I really hope my reply helped a little. I felt connected to your wife for a moment! I'll pray for the both of you. Good luck to you both!!!


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

Your wife is not going to recover overnight but with the right help I'm sure she will improve dramatically. Getting the right help is crucial and finding the right therapist might take time. You might also consider some sort of support group (such as sexual assault or depression self-help groups) where your wife can be with people who experience similar problems. 

And while it is great that you support your wife, don't forget to look after yourself.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

A female psychologist might be much better then a therapist. The bigger issue is how you communicate with her. Her issue is she needs to get to a resolution without making big steps. Start small and as soon as she shows she is uncomfortable back off or change the subject. She will not be able to handle it all at once. It may take years for her to come around, sadly some people never do.

Communication and understanding can build a bridge of trust which is what she needs to realize that you are not those "other men". 

I wish you the best of luck and please keep use informed and ask any other questions you wish. I feel for you, because you are suffering too.

draconis


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

Just continue to be patient and supportive as much as possible. If you start to get really irritated and upset with her that is only going to sink her deeper. I also agree about the female psychologist. She may have to be hypmotized.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

If your wife is not feeling comfortable with her therapist then she needs to find a new one. I'd also suggest that seeing a medical doctor might be wise, as a course of medication for depression might help her right now. 

Your wife needs to know that you will be there for her whatever, and that you will listen & support her when she's ready to do so. I expect she feels under enormous pressure right now.


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