# How do you do it?



## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

I just can't do this. My husband won't even give an inch. It's at the point now that he won't even answer his phone when I call him. 
I will do anything. I tried to give him the analogy (to help him understand) that you can get an old beat up POS car and restore it to be better and more beautiful than it originally was. He says it's too late. 

I can't do this, I'm not strong enough. I love him so much.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I am sorry I am about to do this to you but it took me getting hit by this to get my mind right. If you really meant something to him he would try. By this point he doesn't care about you or your feelings. It sucks , its a shocker; but it is the truth. You need to start working on you.
I, myself , got hit by this whammy last month. I found out my wife has been chatting up her coworker's son since they met when I helped her coworker move out of her apartment. My wife doesn't give 2 cents. She knows she is wrong and angry because of it and is deflecting it at me. All you or I can do right now is keep it together and keep walking this path called life. I love my wife and I have lived my life to benefit her and our future. But it wasn't/isn't enough. 
Rely on your loved ones for support. They will be there for you to let this out. It is going to be hard and if your fortunate enough you won't be like me were you think about it all day long and even get stuck dreaming about it. Everyday will get easier trust me. Have faith and listen. You need to find out who you are and realize you deserve better. Most of us on here are the ones who have been sucker punched. They have a lot good people here. I hope the best for you.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Oh and btw about the not answering the phone. I told my wife I would be going to see my attorney today to file for divorce. She thanked me and I gave her the chance to write a letter stating what she would like in the settlement. Earlier this week I sent her a txt asking if she had it done yet and she said no she wanted to talk to her lawyer. I asked what her lawyer's name was and if she had any questions or comments for me. She never responded so I asked do I need to prepare to be in front of a judge or would she like to settle? She ended up calling me and *****ing at me. This is all her doing and her fault why she is mad I dunno. But after I got the divorce filed I went to call her to give her a heads up and ask about how she wanted to do taxes. Well she had her work desk phone number changed and her new cellphone number changed. LOL She has some serious issues to work out. Anyways I am sure she will be calling me in about 2 weeks when they serve her at work!


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

magmag, sorry you are here. We all to well know your feelings of desparation around here. Truth be told, there is nothing you can do to help him understand at this point. I too tried the POS car analogy, lol! Problem was, she had long since decided what was going to happen, and my efforts to try to fix were just fuel to the fire. To her these were just acts of desparation, not acts of love. Be strong, step back, and show him that you CAN do it, and with any luck he will soon see the err of his ways.
And keep posting and reading, there is a wealth of knowledge and invaluable support in this forum.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Sorry to hear whats happening to you but know your not alone. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this right now. When my wife first left she did the same thing, wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't give at all, just shut me out completely. I must have tried every analogy in the book to try and get her to work on things and give us a chance but nothing worked. It wasn't until i realized that if she was willing to try and work on things we wouldn't have gotten to this point in the first place, she had already given up on us and it really was too late for her. I love her more than life it's self and would do absolutely anything in the world to see her happy and I'm realizing right now that means I have to let her go.

The day she left and the first couple weeks to follow were the hardest days of my life and i wasn't sure i could make it through it either, but you have to take it one day at a time. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say "alright I can do this, I made it through yesterday I can make it through today." I know it sounds cheesy but it helps me and it may not feel like it right now but it gets easier day after day. You are strong enough and you can make it through this, you have to tell yourself that and believe it. Talk to friends and family (and a therapist if you want), and keep reading this forum it helps alot. I don't even remember how i found this site but thank god i did, it has been a huge help to see others are going through this also and to see how they're coping.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I echo the other comments here.

Also know, and it's probably hard to beleive that divorce, whether you are the leaver or the left, is equally as hard, just in different ways. He wants to move on and you don't - both perspectives are valid.

I am in your position and not budging on some things and my stb-x wants to go live happily ever after with her new boyfriend. I am sure it's not easy on her either. She had me by the 'nads during our marriage, now I have her by her 'nads during the divorce and now I am turing her world upside down by coming in and out of the house that I own as I please. Not saying this to have you have sympathy for him - not at all - actually, it may be a little comforting to know he's suffereing too.

He's asking for a divorce. . .I say give it to him. A lot of people romanticize it. . .my stb-x did. . .she thought divorce meant more free time for her becuase I'd have the kids on her schedule and play nursemaid while she kicked up her feet. . .she's been knocked flat on her butt with the reality of everything.

Let him grasp the reality of child support, alimony, scheduled visitation. . .frankly, he's dumb for not wanting to work on it (unless you've tried like 5-6x with no luck).

Good luck.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

scanner-I never really thought of things that way...good point!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

magmag said:


> I just can't do this. My husband won't even give an inch. It's at the point now that he won't even answer his phone when I call him.
> I will do anything. I tried to give him the analogy (to help him understand) that you can get an old beat up POS car and restore it to be better and more beautiful than it originally was. He says it's too late.
> 
> I can't do this, I'm not strong enough. I love him so much.


It's pretty typical for one of the parties to do this, and while it hurts an awful lot; it truly lets you know just how little you mean to them. I'm not trying to be cruel, I'll just trying to relieve you of the notion that he's likely to come back. It's pretty typical to feel that way in the early stages of divorce. Lord knows I did.

Acceptance is a bear, but it is a whole lot better than denial. At least you're a great big step closer to healing. My concession from my wife today was an admission that she wouldn't serve me at my clinic. I could see by her "scrambling" that had been her original intention. At least she's predictable. I try to take comfort where it's given. 

From what I've experienced thus far, the whole divorce ordeal is oddly reminiscent of when my father died. While that was a terrible chapter in my life, I eventually moved on and healed. Please look into grief counseling to help you talk through your feelings of sadness and betrayal, or just pull a particularly close friend near and walk through it with them. You'll make it through this whattodo17, and so will I. God bless.

LIL


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

MAgMAg, If you read some of my posts you will see I felt the same way when I was surprised by my stb-xw. She has moved out and while I miss her, I have learned to put "one foot in front of the other" and try to deal with it the best I can. I've learned that divorce is more devastating than death as your spouse is still around and no longer loves you. You can go on and will go on - you are in a grieving stage now, but soon it will change to anger and than later acceptance. 

I would suggest counseling if you can get it - it really helps to talk to someone that will listen and suggest ways to cope. Also please see this site - some interesting things to read here:

My Divorce Recovery Site


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I disagree Notaclue. Death is far worse than divorce. If you asked me whether I'd rather my wife died, or just spend the rest of my life without her, I'd choose the latter without pause or hesitation. The sad truth is she is already "still around and no longer loves" me, and a part of me still loves her, at least who she once was.

If she died, she still wouldn't be loving me, so what do I theoretically gain from the demise of my kid's Mom? Nothing. Rethink this position Notaclue. However magmag, please take her advice about counseling. It'll really will help you to talk through it.

LIL


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Putting the 'mom' thing aside for a second, If the love of your life dies, (God forbid), you are left grieving for someone you know truly loved you, and can look back on the blessing of life you shared. On the other hand, when the 'love of your life' takes everything that was once sacred including the marriage and herself, you are left grieving not only for the loss of a loved one, but also the loss of everything that you once shared with that person. I too lost my father, and while in no way am I comparing the two, I still feel his undying love with every memory of him. When memories of my wife arise, all I can think is how she values that same memory. No, divorce is definately not worse, but I don't think it is any better either.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Where I am in this process ..... I have to agree with hyndsight.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I don't want to get into one of those debates with no answer - kinda like who would win in a fight? Superman or Batman?

But I have to think divorce is worse because it's an unnatural conclusion to your relationship whereas death of your spouse is a natural (albeit painful) conclusion to your relationship. Death breaks the bonds of marriage clean. Even the Church says,

"Til death do you part."

You are absolutely 100% free to move on, even the day after (although that has social consequences of course).

I think what's also worse about divorce is some time, you are still going to have to deal with the death of your former spouse, unless you die first.

This is kind of a revealing moment to the forum but I broke down about a week ago with my gf the other day (intimate moment) when I was in the house caring for my stb-x wife's herniated disc. I was stressed caring for her and the kids. I was feeling all the old memories of being a family so I was emotional. 

Finally, I broke down, first time in like 7 months.

I said I was worried that what if in 5 years we are together (my gf and I) and my stb-x suddenly dies and I am a basket case - how would that make her feel? She was very sweet and said she'd cry along with me because I would be mourning what could have been (and my gf has a past lover with the same feelings so I would have to support her likewise).

And how could I grieve when her new husband would be there?

The whole thing is rather unnatural IMO.

But divorce does let you ponder on the meaning and redefinition of love.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

This conversation really struck home with me because I am finally starting to let go and grieve the end of my marriage. It took me a long time to realize that it was completely over. I still find myself trying to plant some seed of doubt in my husband's mind - something that will bring him back to the person he was before. Maybe one day we can try again but I know for now, I have to give him the divorce and move on.

I've pondered which is worse, death or divorce and both are so painful to think about. I would still have the "what ifs" and the regrets so matter what. I'm in a selfish mode right now, so at the moment, death would be easier because I'd know my husband wasn't off making new plans and new memories with someone else.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

When you are in "selfish mode" Zoe, think about what mode he is in. I betcha if he did grieve he's all done now: Who would _choose_ to put themself through this type of pain, unless it wasn't there? It stings to think of it that way, but it keeps me moving foward.

Hey Magmag, how're ya holding up? We sorta went off on a different tangent here but didn't forget about you!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I was thinking that I would rather be dead than go thru a divorce. Maybe 6 months from now I will feel different. To me divorce is much more painful and my spouse doesn't even seem to care. Divorce is the loss of her love and the loss of a future together and all the hopes and future plans are now gone, dead forever. On top of that it's the severe financial injury and the loss of all the money I workled so hard for and any chance of retirement. 

Divorce is the loss of love, death is the loss of life. Both bad, but for me divorce is now worse.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I agree clue. I have worked and conditioned myself for a future with my wife and now she can give two ****s about everything. She doesn't care about all the times I was there and I had to be the strong one for her sanity. I havn't had to experience loss on my behalf during my short marriage. It is amazing how easily people forget things. Yes divorce is worst then death.


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