# Been here before



## NotSure74 (May 26, 2020)

Hello all. So I moved out for about 4&1/2 months. Came back because I was nervous about him moving on even though being on my own was peaceful but sad. No matter what has happened, for me separation/divorce is sad/heartbreaking. I came back home after we met up one night when he said he’d realized a lot of things and if we were meant to be we’d be but if he met someone else then that would be meant to be. Prior to us meeting up I thought I wanted to try again. Then he made that comment which I’m sure was a zinger I got frantic and was like,”I’ll move back.” So I think I was on a super high and I don’t know if he was unsure/scared but he was timid like maybe he didn’t believe I was really back🤷🏻‍♀️. So I hadn’t had sex in a super long time and so when I approached him he was hesitant. In the act of it🤦🏻‍♀️…he was not totally present and I was wanting to really go at it. Anyway, it ended and we went back to our own thing(separate rooms of the house). So fast forward the high was gone after a few weeks and I was regretting coming back. I knew he still drank just in the shop. I just got turned off again and pretty much just existed again. Fast forward we’ve had some talks and I said I want to be friends no intimacy(a few weeks ago). He said okay but was not understanding and upset. I said I wouldn’t leave the house because ultimately I think that makes him happier considering the situation. Well more things have gone on he has driven me home drunk with our daughter again and when he comes in the room after drinking I just cringe. So this past weekend I said I do not want to be married and he was confused. I told him again his drinking turns me off, he drove drunk with our daughter & pointed out his behavior to the kids and how I don’t agree with it. He asked can’t he have his own opinions and I said absolutely. I’m just not attracted to your behaviors and we have no relationship and I don’t want to be married. I also spoke to him about how I know he can’t understand what I’ve been through but it’s not something I’ll probably ever get over. He actually started to say he kind of understood And was like well we should stay married so I can try to make you happy for some of what I’m responsible for and you should stay because I can help you when you need things, etc. I said no you can’t make me happy. I want you to be happy and be fully loved as you deserve by someone and I’ll always be here if you need anything. He said no I don’t want that, I just think we should live together. Our daughter will move out soon(he just doesn’t care about her the way he should). And we still have to raise our son. I asked him doesn’t it make you sad that I’m telling you I don’t love you like that and that you deserve to be loved and he said no. I told him don’t pass up a chance to meet someone and build a relationship because he can have it all and he said well I don’t need someone to love me like that but yes, I’ll meet people and talk to them. Anyway, that’s what it is right now. I feel like a total weirdo and I know I have trauma and that it’s probably affecting me. He wants to be like those people who don’t sleep together, don’t do anything together but stay married. Super weird but yet here I am not running away. Any thoughts on why he feels this way? One thing I did realize is it took me over a decade of abuse to understand he didn’t love me in a healthy way so maybe it’ll take him time to wrap his head around the fact that I don’t love him even though I spoke the words. He said yeah, maybe it’ll take me longer or I’ll die and never want you to leave. He’s the nicest to me he’s been in Over 20 year maybe. So strange. So sad. I think he sees me as a mom to him too and that’s probably another reason he doesn’t want me to leave and he is actually afraid of things like intruders and noises. Just can’t wrap my head around it. I think I’ll be happier if I leave and get my own place but I think he’ll be really upset. I think about my kids, especially my daughter and can’t understand why I wasn’t woke enough to leave years ago and this would all be better.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

When you decided to come back did you suggest meeting a therapist or councilor together to identify the problem areas in the marriage so that both of you could work on it? Is there any thought now to meet with them?


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## NotSure74 (May 26, 2020)

We did meet with a therapist. He would say she needs to forgive me and we move forward, right? Dr. Would recommend us becoming friends before anything else because of how our sessions were going. I was still angry and resentful and had been to the house when he worked out of town. He’d never stopped drinking. It was hard to see straight. We eventually stopped counseling. I mentioned to him Saturday that I can forgive him for what has happened but unfortunately the way I’m wired I’ll never forget and with his want to drink and his behaviors I’m just not into him. I tried counseling with a pastor too when I left the 1st time after his tantrum in the middle of the night. As I told my husband, pastor basically said forgive and move on, Jesus forgave you. So my husband was like,”alright! Because he knows my love for God. But I know God would not want me to be miserable.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If you were to ask your husband which was more important to him drinking or stay married what would he say? If the latter would he be willing to give it up and seek help? 
Bottom line if drinking comes before you and the kids then it is time to move on...


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## NotSure74 (May 26, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> If you were to ask your husband which was more important to him drinking or stay married what would he say? If the latter would he be willing to give it up and seek help?
> Bottom line if drinking comes before you and the kids then it is time to move on...


Thank you. I know the answer. It’s drinking. He has said he will not stop.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have your answer —he doesn’t intend to stop. It will come down to whether you continue to put him first or whether you decide to put yourself first.


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## NotSure74 (May 26, 2020)

Openminded said:


> You have your answer —he doesn’t intend to stop. It will come down to whether you continue to put him first or whether you decide to put yourself first.


Thank you. It’s true. I don’t know why I feel like I did something wrong. He’s a baby of 8 and I feel like-he seems scared to be without me. But he wasn’t worried about me all those times he went out and came home doing what he did or even being at home doing and then doing what he did. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I guess I’ll just feel like I let him down. But then I think we’ll be didn’t want to work at the marriage all these years until very recently and now he says,”we have to, we are married, you just accept some things and we do the best we can.” It’s gross


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why do you let him drive you and your daughter around drunk?


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## NotSure74 (May 26, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Why do you let him drive you and your daughter around drunk?


Hi. I didn’t let him when I came back. In the past, yes, I’m guilty. Although when incredibly drunk I drove and he just let me have it when we got home away from the kids. He had not been drinking in our home-and he told me he wouldn’t drink with the kids around. He took her to listen to a band, she wanted to go-she loves music, plays and signs. Anyway, they were supposed to be home in 2 hours. It was longer. I text and neither text back. Right as I was about to panic, the door opened and they were home. He was smashed and it was disgusting. She has not gone with him since and is not allowed to unless he drives sober to an event and I will pick her up when she is ready. 


Diana7 said:


> Why do you let him drive you and your daughter around drunk?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NotSure74 said:


> Hi. I didn’t let him when I came back. In the past, yes, I’m guilty. Although when incredibly drunk I drove and he just let me have it when we got home away from the kids. He had not been drinking in our home-and he told me he wouldn’t drink with the kids around. He took her to listen to a band, she wanted to go-she loves music, plays and signs. Anyway, they were supposed to be home in 2 hours. It was longer. I text and neither text back. Right as I was about to panic, the door opened and they were home. He was smashed and it was disgusting. She has not gone with him since and is not allowed to unless he drives sober to an event and I will pick her up when she is ready.


Please report him if he does that again. It's appalling.


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