# I am physically sick!



## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

A few days ago I found old emails from an old account he used. In them he was having a PA with a VERY young girl (not sure if she was underage or not) during the time we went to Germany over 2 yrs ago. He bought her gifts, sex toys, and updated her every day about what he (not we) did while on vacation. 

I copied everything and sent to him in an email (he is out of town for a few weeks, left on my Bday last week) and asked him why he can't be truthful with me. He and I got into a heated email exchange and he demanded to know if I had hired a private investigator to which I replied that it wasn't relevant how I got the info.

I got an email from him this morning and he said that yes, he fooled around and he hoped that I would trust him again. I mean, he thinks he can just sweep this under the rug and forget anything ever happened??

To top things off, he failed an alcohol and drug test and he has to go for an abuse assessment on Monday to determine if he will be allowed to work for this client and he told me that his company will offer marriage counseling and alcohol therapy for me! I'm not the one with the damn problem!!!

I don't know why and I can't rationalize my feelings but this fling with the young girl hurts worse than his Ea/PA with the fat chick that lasted almost 2 yrs. I keep reading the emails over and over and I get sick and vomit every time I read them. I haven't eaten or slept for days and i have no motivation to do anything...even cleaning which I'm a stickler for. 

I can't keep taking these punches and I keep torturing myself for what reason...that trip to Germany means nothing to me anymore. To know that he was screwing another girl while we were supposed to be having the time of our lives just flat out kills me!

Ok rant is over


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I used to read the Yahoo chat and e-mails and texts my SO shared with the OM over and over. I was only succeeding in making myself pissed and miserable. No sleep, lost weight, and my work suffered. Delete them, then the temptation won't be there.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

i can't do it. I just can't do it. If i delete them it's like tossing away my family heirlooms my grandmother gave me. I just cannot get rid of them. 

I get sick when i read them and the thought of deleting them makes me sicker....


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> i can't do it. I just can't do it. If i delete them it's like tossing away my family heirlooms my grandmother gave me. I just cannot get rid of them.
> 
> I get sick when i read them and the thought of deleting them makes me sicker....


I know. It was hard to do but I'm glad I did. It was a sick fascination I had. Sit down and relive the pain, over and over. I realized I was torturing my self.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Well I do sort have another reason for saving them. One of my dearest friends is an attorney and she practices criminal defense and family law. A few years ago my H and I took her to lunch and he joked that if we were ever to get divorced who would she represent. He said "me because I'm the one with all the money" and my friend said very curtly "No SHE is my friend"

I will need these emails if we decide to get divorced so I can have leverage for $$$. I'm a vet tech making 12K a yr and that is not enough to support myself with medical bills, car payments, insurance blah blah...

I guess I just like stabbing myself in the gut reading them over and over. Hell, maybe I'll lose some weight!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> Well I do sort have another reason for saving them. One of my dearest friends is an attorney and she practices criminal defense and family law. A few years ago my H and I took her to lunch and he joked that if we were ever to get divorced who would she represent. He said "me because I'm the one with all the money" and my friend said very curtly "No SHE is my friend"
> 
> I will need these emails if we decide to get divorced so I can have leverage for $$$. I'm a vet tech making 12K a yr and that is not enough to support myself with medical bills, car payments, insurance blah blah...
> 
> I guess I just like stabbing myself in the gut reading them over and over. Hell, maybe I'll lose some weight!


I see. Anyone you trust enough to hold them for you? That way you still have them but they won't be readily available to you. I'm very sorry you are going though this.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Of course, my co-workers and the doctor I work for are more than willing to save this info for me but reading it over and over feels like I'm torturing but empowering myself at the same time. It's so hard to explain because i can't even make sense of it myself.

I knew about his love affair that lasted almost 2 yrs with my best friend. BUT I also knew about ONS that he'd had when traveling, I was just in a huge state of denial. 7 yrs ago when we lived in Connecticut, I was unpacking his suitcase and found a black tank top with a butterfly on it that was way too small for me to wear...I pushed it out of my mind. 4 yrs ago, a package of 12 condoms with 4 missing under his bathroom sink...

i want to be rid of him so bad but i depend on him finacially. i will lose all types of insurance and I can't support myself on my own.

He claims he wants to go to counseling now, i think he thinks it's more for my benefit than his. He would rather toss everything aside and pretend like he is a good loving husband. The 2 guns I have under my bed are looking more and more tempting to me, just so I can end the pain.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Please leave him.

I feel sick reading your post about what he did, and I'm not even you.

I can't imagine the pain he's put you through, but you deserve much better.


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## strongwomanof1984 (Jul 20, 2011)

I really understand where you are coming from....My H and I went on our first cruise and was supposed to be the time of our life, the honeymoon we never got, type thing, only to find out a few months later that he had been secretly having an EA.....That cruise now means nothing to me....I feel ya, its very very very very hard, and I do still have the emails and such that was shared between them, but I rarely look at them because it just makes me bitter all over again....Time is all I can say, it took months for me to just get past the fact he actually did it.....Felt very disrespected, still do for that matter.....


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

strongwomanof1984 said:


> .Time is all I can say, it took months for me to just get past the fact he actually did it.....Felt very disrespected, still do for that matter.....


 It's been 6 months since I learned of his EA/PA and I'm still not over that...I'm not sure I will ever get over it


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Some people never can get over it, and really in my own eyes its not something to get over. Certainly, for your own health, you cant continue to dwell on what has happened and continue to re-read those mails. That is abusing yourself. You know what happened, keep those records in a storage, or let your attorney have them, and make a plan. a PLAN.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

have someone hold onto your guns until you are in a better frame of mind please


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I would read emails and other messages (texts, FB, etc) that my exH wold send his ow. It was all the sh*t he shoud have been telling me "I love you, I want you, I need you" blah blah blah barf! I know what you mean. It does cause physical pain to see your H say those precious words to some low life flea-infested skank that probably crawled from out of the sewers somewhere. Even though, we are now divorced, I still want to "check up on him" It's like a sickness. I know that whatever I find will hurt me, but dammit, I just need to know! I'm sorry, Craggy, you have to go through this. It is so very devastating. (((hugs))) to you


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## strongwomanof1984 (Jul 20, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I would read emails and other messages (texts, FB, etc) that my exH wold send his ow. It was all the sh*t he shoud have been telling me "I love you, I want you, I need you" blah blah blah barf! I know what you mean. It does cause physical pain to see your H say those precious words to some low life flea-infested skank that probably crawled from out of the sewers somewhere. Even though, we are now divorced, I still want to "check up on him" It's like a sickness. I know that whatever I find will hurt me, but dammit, I just need to know! I'm sorry, Craggy, you have to go through this. It is so very devastating. (((hugs))) to you


Oh I sooooooo know what you mean. I HATE checking up on him, but its like something I have to do and there are times where I feel like I have an obsession with it and need to get help for it. Me and my H have been together 11 years and married for almost 10, and to read things like that that he said to another woman tore my insides apart, to the point where I lost weight and was very unhealthy.....


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

strongwomanof1984 said:


> and to read things like that that he said to another woman tore my insides apart, to the point where I lost weight and was very unhealthy.....


I'm already unhealthy and am starting to lose weight because I can't eat.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> I'm already unhealthy and am starting to lose weight because I can't eat.


I know how that goes, couple that with the "liquid" diet I started during that time and your body wants to shut down. I didn't eat, I drank all the time.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I know how that goes, couple that with the "liquid" diet I started during that time and your body wants to shut down. I didn't eat, I drank all the time.


ditto. With enough screwdrivers I can get a restful nights sleep and replenish with gatorade in the morning before work :lol:


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

two weeks since I found out about her affair...down 18 pounds....working hard on getting straight...so I know how hard it is for you. I would put those messages with someone in a safe place...not where you can get to them easily....Hang in there...many here understand your pain.


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