# Dealing with inlaws...



## toolate

My mother in law has an opinion about me formed a long time ago based on the fact that I left an abusive 1st marriage. She thinks that I bring with me a tremendous amount of anger and aggression based on that past situation and thinks that I am wrong for her son. She has kept me at arms length for 3 years, and maybe it was so she could keep believing this? My Father in law has taken me into open arms seeing who I truly am as a result of having done alot of work to deal with what I came out of and also understanding his son has a short fuse sometimes which can complicate things coming out of my past situation. Im not perfect and neither is my husband, we argue, but we have made it through our transgressions together. I feel like I am not allowed any mistakes in her eyes, and that is a huge and unreasonable expectation to think that we will never argue, disagree, make mistakes with one another. It makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells for HER. 

What she doesnt realize is that we are right for each other. We have strength in our communication skills, common interests and love for each other and my kids from the first marriage. We both made adult conscious decisions to be with one another knowing our marriage was not going to be the blissful blind state that many first timers enter into marriage with, and it wouldnt be easy, but we would find a way. All people have baggage, and its how you learn to live with both peoples baggage in how it turns out. She views her son as flawless, and yet he has his own baggage from his first broken engagement. 

She says that since we both have strong personalities it cant work. My husband and I have talked about how we disagree with that because if one of us were weaker, that weaker one would be walked all over (like in other marriages we know where this is the case). She believes if he were with someone weaker, there would be no arguing. She believes that arguing means bad marriage and her son has taken quite some time to realize that this is not the case... he is learning that all couples argue in some shape or form and in fact it can be healthy for growth if you learn to use it and not abuse it. We are trying to recognize each others triggers and know when to recognize one of us is getting hurt or frustrated and how to respond without escalating things.

She told me that of course she loves me (bc all "good" Christians love all others) but that she doesnt like us together and told him before the wedding that she wished we would wait, so that we would have figured out with more time that we are not right for each other. 

We are trying to maintain our relationship, but the fact that she believes I am someone I am not and believes we arent right for each other puts strain on us and I dont know how to handle this. 

She even had the audactiy to tell me that my kids are doing well because of her son being in their lives, nothing that I have done for them. I politely pointed out that yes, they needed to be out of the situation they were in before and they are doing well because of that, and because of the sacrifices I have made to continue to be available to them throughout (when most moms have to go back to work, I found a way as my son needed me to be available) and I made the right decision for them to leave that 1st marriage. Her son and I are good together for them, its not just her son.

My mom says that there is nothing I can say that will change her mind about me if its made up, and it appears to be. She says it doesnt matter what she thinks, just let it go. She says that all I can do is be nice to her in spite of how she feels about me as niceness will earn me accolades while here and up in heaven in this type of situation. She said if others know what she is saying about me, and I continue to be myself and the positive person I am, it will show. Wont God know how I feel in my heart even if Im acting nice? Can you really fake somehting like this? Is it faking it or just rising above something? I feel like crawling in a hole and never seeing her again.

Any advice? Thanks a bunch!


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## artieb

If I understand what my preacher has to say about this, God is happiest when you can truly forgive someone else and not hold their actions against them. After all, that's what you want Him to do for you. In my experience, however, it can take many years of "playing nice" before you find it in yourself to truly forgive another person. In one case it took me nearly 40 years, but in the end we worked it out. So think of it as "acting nice as the first step toward real forgiveness", and don't worry about not finishing the job the same day you started it.

As for the mother in law, maybe you could think of her the way you think of the drunk uncle at the party, or someone delusional. When someone is delirious with fever, we don't take offense at their remarks, because we know they aren't in their right mind. If you see your MIL in that light, her remarks may seem less serious, and you won't take them so personally.


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## Blanca

toolate said:


> We are trying to maintain our relationship, but the fact that she believes I am someone I am not and believes we arent right for each other puts strain on us and I dont know how to handle this.


I used to think my MIL was causing problems in my marriage, too. but then i found out that actually my MIL was just helping my H and I see what areas of our marriage were weak, areas that we needed to work on- like poor boundaries with family. dont blame your MIL for your problems.



toolate said:


> My mom says that there is nothing I can say that will change her mind about me if its made up, and it appears to be. She says it doesnt matter what she thinks, just let it go.


Your mom is right, in some respects. you will never change your MIL. but i dont think its right to just let things go. that will only build resentment. you should not have to put on a smile and indulge someone that tells you that you did not do any good for your own kids. Granted, you could be misinterpreting, or over-reacting, but in the odds that you're not- you dont need to indulge that kind of behavior. You can have boundaries. You can tell someone how you felt being told something like that, and you can limit your contact with someone like that. 

of course putting your foot down will cause problems with your H, no doubt. deal with that when it comes. its your problem though- dont blame your MIL.



toolate said:


> Wont God know how I feel in my heart even if Im acting nice? Can you really fake somehting like this? Is it faking it or just rising above something? I feel like crawling in a hole and never seeing her again.


I had the same dilemma over thanksgiving. in the end i didnt put on a happy face. i realized i hated her, and it was more important to be true to myself then play some game. She was here, but she stayed at a hotel, and i never said two words to her. I said, "goodbye" when she left. 

but the important thing is im learning to communicate with my H, he's learning to respect my boundaries, and im learning to respect my own boundaries. so in that regard, the whole thing has only served to magnify a problem we had.

If this issues with MIL is a problem in your marriage, then you do have a problem in your marriage, just like your MIL predicted- and the problem is not your MIL. the problem is how you and your H are handling MIL. if you deny it, it'll never get better.


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## toolate

Yes Artlieb, I will try to look at her comments that way, not take them personally. Thanks Blanca, she thinks the fact that we argue period is why we are not right for each other. I left alot off here about her personality, but basically, she is someone who toots her own horn alot and her way is better than anyone elses. I know I have resentment towards her for that because she passed that mentality to her son. I used to think he was arrogant (for a short while) until I realized he just talks like he learned... from her! Fortunately, I like to toot my husband's horn because I think he has great ideas. She just doesnt like the fact that he married a divorced woman from an ex who was abusive... as a mother, I can understand the hesitation as I would want the best for my son... but she needs to trust her son's judgement. If she got to know me, and I have tried, she would see me for who I am and not the circumstance from which I came.

She is not trying to help us, I wish she was. Im not denying it, she is a problem in our marriage because my husband is denying it because she tells him that she likes me and then is 2 faced and tells me other things. 

I think I need to heed both of your advice... it is a problem and wont go away and not to take her comments personally.

Thanks and wish me luck.


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## artieb

If the problem won't go away, maybe the two of you could. I know one couple who moved thousands of miles away from their families; he worked for a multinational corporation and requested a transfer to another state.

You might explore that idea, if it's at all a possibility.


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## Blanca

toolate said:


> my husband is denying it


To me, this is the problem in your marriage. Your H is not supporting how you feel. that's what you have to address. He has to be on your side. he has to see that his mom is hurting you. I think if he supported you more, put his foot down with his mom more, this would not be as bad for you.


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## Dryden

Blanca said:


> To me, this is the problem in your marriage. Your H is not supporting how you feel. that's what you have to address. He has to be on your side. he has to see that his mom is hurting you. I think if he supported you more, put his foot down with his mom more, this would not be as bad for you.


There is a lot of truth in this. My mother can be overbearing also. Doesn't sound like it's quite to the extent that your H's can be, but I can relate to your pain. 

A lot of times my mother was trying to point out flaws that we have that led to the downfall of her marriage, so a portion of it was trying to help. However there are a few things that she did that were downright nasty.

My wife would get upset by it and my initial reaction was 'that's just how my mother is'. Pretty much because I had learned to accept it over the years. Well, my wife helped me grow a bit of a backbone and one Christmas, my mom went too far as she can sometimes. I blasted her for it. Basically told her in no uncertain terms, that there was some animosity between them and they would have to work that out, but I would not accept her speaking to my wife in that manner.

I think she actually respected me for it. She has gotten quite a bit better. I still catch her sometimes and call her on it, but ultimately it was me putting my foot down that helped it.

So, long story short, it might help if your husband will call her out on her treatment of you. He can't fix the tension between you, but if your MIL knows that he doesn't approve, it might help her examine her treatment.


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## homes-cool-mama

Lostandconfused said:


> Toolate,
> I don't believe this is an issue for your husband to address, nor is it something that he isn't supporting you in imo.
> 
> He cannot control what his mother does nor should he have to. He does not need to defend you. You are an adult and can handle this on your own. I would suggest that you stop bringing this up to your husband. Since it is outside of his control AND he is torn between you both, it will only serve to create tension and eventually resentment.


i STRONGLY disagree with this advice. i have to agree with dr. phil when he says an issue with the inlaws is an issue for the one that is related to them to deal with, not the inlaw (the wife). the husband does indeed need to deal with this issue. he needs to make it clear to his mom that you are his top priority and that he will not tolerate any disrespect of the love of his life. 

check out drphil.com to see some of the advice he's given to other people about how to deal with inlaws...he's had a LOT of shows on meddling inlaws, so there's probably a lot on his website about it.

i don't agree with everything dr phil has to say, but on the inlaws issue i think he is dead on. and he could say it a lot better than i could.


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## homes-cool-mama

Dryden said:


> There is a lot of truth in this. My mother can be overbearing also. Doesn't sound like it's quite to the extent that your H's can be, but I can relate to your pain.
> 
> A lot of times my mother was trying to point out flaws that we have that led to the downfall of her marriage, so a portion of it was trying to help. However there are a few things that she did that were downright nasty.
> 
> My wife would get upset by it and my initial reaction was 'that's just how my mother is'. Pretty much because I had learned to accept it over the years. Well, my wife helped me grow a bit of a backbone and one Christmas, my mom went too far as she can sometimes. I blasted her for it. Basically told her in no uncertain terms, that there was some animosity between them and they would have to work that out, but I would not accept her speaking to my wife in that manner.
> 
> I think she actually respected me for it. She has gotten quite a bit better. I still catch her sometimes and call her on it, but ultimately it was me putting my foot down that helped it.
> 
> So, long story short, it might help if your husband will call her out on her treatment of you. He can't fix the tension between you, but if your MIL knows that he doesn't approve, it might help her examine her treatment.


Dryden...exactly what i was trying to say! its the husband that needs to be dealing with this and putting his foot down about the way she's treating his wife!

good for you!!


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## Lostandconfused

homes-cool-mama said:


> i STRONGLY disagree with this advice. i have to agree with dr. phil when he says an issue with the inlaws is an issue for the one that is related to them to deal with, not the inlaw (the wife). the husband does indeed need to deal with this issue. he needs to make it clear to his mom that you are his top priority and that he will not tolerate any disrespect of the love of his life.


So, just asking, HCM, you'd rather your husband have to decide between you and his mother so that YOU don't have to deal with it? You'd rather be able to throw it in her face AND his that gee, I have to be more important? Why? He can't control her and if she continues in her behavior then what's the alternative? He cuts all ties with her just so you can feel important AND so that you don't have to directly deal with it? (Please realize I'm not really asking for a response here.)

I'm saying that the husband gives his support to his wife by standing behind HER as she speaks for herself and sets boundaries for herself. The MIL will respect that much more than being forced to "pretend" in order to have a relationship with her son. It's simple. The resentment is gone. But, that's just my opinion AND it's worked wonders for the situation in MY family. My MIL now treats me AND my husband respectfully. There was no severing of relationships and no resentment between myself and my husband.

That's the beauty of differing opinions. What might work for one won't work for another BUT that doesn't mean what is your opinion means it's right for everyone either.

Best of luck!

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## Chrysalis

Lostandconfused said:


> So, just asking, HCM, you'd rather your husband have to decide between you and his mother so that YOU don't have to deal with it? You'd rather be able to throw it in her face AND his that gee, I have to be more important? Why? He can't control her and if she continues in her behavior then what's the alternative? He cuts all ties with her just so you can feel important AND so that you don't have to directly deal with it? (Please realize I'm not really asking for a response here.)
> 
> I'm saying that the husband gives his support to his wife by standing behind HER as she speaks for herself and sets boundaries for herself. The MIL will respect that much more than being forced to "pretend" in order to have a relationship with her son. It's simple. The resentment is gone. But, that's just my opinion AND it's worked wonders for the situation in MY family. My MIL now treats me AND my husband respectfully. There was no severing of relationships and no resentment between myself and my husband.
> 
> That's the beauty of differing opinions. What might work for one won't work for another BUT that doesn't mean what is your opinion means it's right for everyone either.
> 
> Best of luck!
> 
> Just my $0.02.
> Lost


Sometimes it has to be a team effort. In my case, my future MIL is a spawn of Satan and her decades of cruel domineering over my fiancee made it extremely painful for her to not only stand up to her mother but keep the resulting vengeful attacks at bay. 

It turns out there was a secret battle going on, with my fiancee on one side and all the women in her family on the other, each of them turning the screws on her. In my fiancee's culture, the women scheme in secret while the men are ignorant and kept out of the discussion. The pressure on my fiancee built higher and higher, because I too made it clear that I was watching her to see what she chose: to stand by her man or cave in to her family.

This required me to step in and reveal that the stupid/ignorant man had been clued in to the secret scheme. They now hate me intensely for having both a penis AND a backbone.

In my case, I am sharing the burden and it is far from easy. I guess my main point is that it has to be a team effort where both partners are setting and ENFORCING boundaries. I also believe that the act of marrying, of starting a new life with someone, is the perfect time to establish an all-new set of boundaries and get everyone 'on the record' as to where they stand.


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