# As you understand it what is a man's sexual nature? And his sexual needs.



## sokillme

How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him. What are your feelings about that? Why do you think in general it is SO important for men? How did this make you feel about them and yourself?

Granted it is also from women, but the stereotype and i think at time truth is maybe not as much or as much for many women. 


The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention. 
This one should be good.


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## aine

I think one cannot generalize, not all men are the same and it depends on the circumstances, whether a one night stand, a long term relationship, marriage, etc

for some it's just physical pleasure, others its bonding, others it part of a deep intimacy only experienced with wives or long term partners.


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## sokillme

aine said:


> I think one cannot generalize, not all men are the same and it depends on the circumstances, whether a one night stand, a long term relationship, marriage, etc
> 
> for some it's just physical pleasure, others its bonding, others it part of a deep intimacy only experienced with wives or long term partners.


OK but your post kind of generalizes. I am interested in how women feel about that, not just what it is. The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention. (I updated my first post to be more specific)

How does how these types of men make you feel or how has it made you feel in the past? Were you ever surprised at how the men felt?


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## EleGirl

I believe that men are individuals and therefore the sexual nature and needs of each man is individual. For this reason, it’s important that when a woman gets involved with a man that they talk about this.

After all, there is really not one sexual nature and set of needs for all women either. 

So talking and learning about each other is very important.



sokillme said:


> OK but your post kind of generalizes. I am interested in how women feel about that, not just what it is. The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention. (I updated my first post to be more specific)
> 
> How does how these types of men make you feel or how has it made you feel in the past? Were you ever surprised at how the men felt?


The only thing that a person can do in reply to your first two posts on this thread is generalize. Your question is a generalization.


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> The only thing that a person can do in reply to your first two posts on this thread is generalize. Your question is a generalization.


True but it doesn't lead to an interesting discussion. 0

I didn't want to say what is your husband's/boyfriend's sexual nature as I felt that was too personal. Now I think I should have. 

Work with me here.


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## Vinnydee

Genetically a man's sexual nature is to find as many women as he can to impregnate. Those who had the most kids in ancient times, have their genes in more people today than those that had fewer kids. It is all about passing on genes. Nature favors any behavior that results in the successful passing on of genes. Impregnating multiple women increased the odds in olden times, of your child leaving to pass on his genes, which are a mix of your wife's genes and yours. That is the purpose and meaning to life. In effect, we are merely transportation for our genes which control much of our behavior. We like to think that life is all about us but it is our genes who are the immortal ones, not us. Men will be attracted to many women, not just their wives, no matter what they say. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife must be read in context where a wife was listed as property along with the pigs and everything else that a man owned. It has nothing to do with sex or wanting to have sex with other women.

Sexual needs are subjective and vary from person to person. That is why there are so many sexual fetishes and kinks out there. My needs have always been for multiple female sex partners and that is how we lived most of our marriage. Others have different needs. Our basic need is to have sex as often as our libido wants it and in a way that we find sexually arousing. Everything else will vary by individuals.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Vinnydee said:


> Genetically a man's sexual nature is to find as many women as he can to impregnate. Those who had the most kids in ancient times, have their genes in more people today than those that had fewer kids. It is all about passing on genes.


I laugh every time I hear how a man biologically needs to 'spread his seed as much as he can' and that's why he is always looking to do just that. *Especially* since we all know that pretty much the dead last thing most guys want is an unplanned pregnancy with some woman they barely know.

While I understand the _theory_, it doesn't negate the fact that most guys aren't looking to have a litter of kids with 10 different mothers. :grin2:


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## Happykat

I mentioned this theory to my husband and he said, well, this theory doesn't take consideration that for genes to be spread and survive, the man needs to be be responsible in caring for his children. 

Just spreading sperms everywhere, and not being there for the pregnant women and the children.... Well, genes cannot survive.



I understand that women and men can have attraction and lust for other person other than their spouse. It's normal. But resources for having children (including good quality wombs and good mothering skills plus compatible genes) are limited and hence naturally, humans are jealous and possessive of their partners. 

I also understand that testosterone affects men in how they want sex more frequently than women. And I don't mind being a sexual object for my husband, as long as he is loyal to me.


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## MrsHolland

sokillme said:


> How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him. What are your feelings about that? Why do you think in general it is SO important for men? How did this make you feel about them and yourself?
> 
> Granted it is also from women, but the stereotype and i think at time truth is maybe not as much or as much for many women.
> 
> 
> The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention.
> This one should be good.


It would be a far better dialogue if the OP was not tainted with your own theories/misinformation. Sex is not SO important for many men and it IS SO important for many women.


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## sokillme

MrsHolland said:


> It would be a far better dialogue if the OP was not tainted with your own theories/misinformation. Sex is not SO important for many men and it IS SO important for many women.


Thanks that that. How about tell me where I am wrong and why.


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## FeministInPink

I agree with some of the other posters--it's really different for each man. He's a person, not a walking penis.


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## EleGirl

sokillme said:


> True but it doesn't lead to an interesting discussion. 0
> 
> I didn't want to say what is your husband's/boyfriend's sexual nature as I felt that was too personal. Now I think I should have.
> 
> Work with me here.


Ok, what's my husband's sexual nature.

Son's father? We had a great, daily sex life for the first 10 years that we were together. He seemed to be happy with it. He never complained or asked for anything that I would not go along with. (We dated for 5 years). Then suddenly he was unhappy with everything to include sex and one day announced that he never wanted sex again. And for the next 7 years there was no sex, his choice. I later found out that he was cheating with many women the entire time we dated and were married. So apparently his sexual nature is to lie, sneak around, etc. I guess that was more fun.

Step-kid's father? We can again a great, daily sex life for the first 5 years of our marriage. He seemed to be happy with it. He never complained or asked for anything that I would not go along with. Then one day I realized that for some time I was the only one initiating sex. So I stopped initiating. He never did initiate gain. That was the end of our sex life. If he did not want sex with me, I sure as hell did not want sex with him. Found that the he preferred porn and online sexting relationships which he was engaging in all day between video gaming.

So I'm not sure how to describe his sexual nature. I mean how do you describe anyone's sexual nature?

How exactly does one describe someone's sexual nature?


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## Satya

Odo says that it's OK to generalize sometimes. He calls himself a walking penis around me.

All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


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## MrsHolland

Satya said:


> Odo says that it's OK to generalize sometimes. He calls himself a walking penis around me.
> 
> All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


There are as many women on TAM (and whole other forums dedicated to the topic) that refute the general notion that most men want sex and most women don't


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## FeministInPink

Satya said:


> Odo says that it's OK to generalize sometimes. He calls himself a walking penis around me.
> 
> All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


OK, you know, I guess Real Estate is a walking penis around me, most of the time. The exception is when he has some serious business on his mind/is stressed about multiple things.


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## FeministInPink

MrsHolland said:


> There are as many women on TAM (and whole other forums dedicated to the topic) that refute the general notion that most men want sex and most women don't


Count me in as proof of that.


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## Hope1964

Any guy I meet whom I do not know personally, I will assume they are a walking penis until he proves otherwise. I discovered this about myself when my daughter started having sex. When I met my current husband, he WAS a walking penis. Time sure proved THAT theory wrong.

As for men spreading their seed but having to be responsible for the kids - nuh-uh. Men like my ex husband don't think that way. He had three kids by me, one from before me, and two after me, NONE of whom he supported in ANY way. And those are the ones I KNOW about. Maybe most guys aren't like that, but some sure as hell are.


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## 269370

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I laugh every time I hear how a man biologically needs to 'spread his seed as much as he can' and that's why he is always looking to do just that. *Especially* since we all know that pretty much the dead last thing most guys want is an unplanned pregnancy with some woman they barely know.
> 
> While I understand the _theory_, it doesn't negate the fact that most guys aren't looking to have a litter of kids with 10 different mothers. :grin2:




The clue was in the word 'genetically'. It is coded into men to spread the seed, it doesn't mean we follow through or live out this 'affliction'.
Fortunately, we also have a brain (some of us do). So having the drive to 'spread the seed' while simultaneously being terrified at the prospect of having to support 10 different kids should not really be contradictory.
Anyway, it's obviously more complex than that. 
Although if you have a better theory, I would be more than interested to hear 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SimplyAmorous

sokillme said:


> How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him. What are your feelings about that? Why do you think in general it is SO important for men? How did this make you feel about them and yourself?
> 
> Granted it is also from women, but the stereotype and i think at time truth is maybe not as much or as much for many women.
> 
> 
> The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention.
> This one should be good.


When it comes to sex....there is "Just Sex" - no strings/no emotional entanglements, just getting his rocks off -led by Lust & insatiable hormones primarily, very common for young men in their Prime....and there something more meaningful.. a craving for Union...where a man WANTS the emotional entanglement with the woman he loves, craving this as much as the physical release...

If a woman is looking for a life partner/ faithfulness / commitment... she would do well to reject the "casual seekers" - led purely by Lust & the high that comes with some strange....some men grow out of this, come to realize this is not fulfilling long haul.. others may never get it fully out of their systems, some will struggle with the emotional in future relationships...

Have to agree with @FeministInPink when she said *"it's really different for each man"*.. 

My husband has never been the "walking penis" type.... he's told me he couldn't do Casual sex... sex has always been associated with love, intimacy and bonding...

I believe sex is a NEED of the Emotional man, when he is in love with a woman... this my write up to explain this having the married man in mind....



> *2*.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...Having read endless stories here how husbands just want to feel DESIRED by their wives & the emotional angst & pain he feels in his wife turning him away...he is more sensitive here than you would even understand...
> 
> I read this somewhere & I have to quote it:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Fulfilling our husbands sexually encompasses so much more than the physical act..it is embracing ALL that he is...It speaks our wanting to fully understand him and welcoming the sexual appetite that expresses his masculinity...It involves striving with him through weakness & temptation & covering his fears & failures. No magazine, no co-worker, no porn site can be this teammate and confidante for our husbands...This is our place, this is our power...this is our gift.. Unwrap it.
> 
> 
> 
> I read this somewhere...Wives, the next time you refuse your Husbands advances to make love...go on a FOOD FAST the next day...and ask yourself what you was thinking about all day & how your stomach feels..this is how a man feels when he wants his wife.... it's a craving he just can't lay down when he is in love...it's not just a physical release for him...
> 
> Listening to the words of Bryan Adam's
> 
> 
> 
> ..it hit me one day....this captures his emotional craving to be with us...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Please forgive me, I know not what I do
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
> Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
> Please believe me, every word I say is true
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> 
> Still feels like our best times are together
> Feels like the first touch
> We're still getting closer baby
> Can't get closer enough
> Still holding on
> You're still number one
> I remember the smell of your skin
> I remember everything
> I remember all your moves
> I remember you yeah
> I remember the nights, you know I still do
> 
> So if you're feeling lonely, don't
> You're the only one I'll ever want
> I only want to make it good
> So if I love you a little more than I should
> 
> The one thing I'm sure of
> Is the way we *make love*
> The one thing I depend on
> Is for us to stay strongWith every word
> and every breath I'm praying...
> 
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> This article speaks of the deep emotional impact we have on our husbands...a man longs to be passionately wanted by his wife... "A man’s ability to perform sexually, to arouse & please his wife, is central to his confidence as a man. The impact ripples into practically every other area of his life".... Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband...
Click to expand...


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## SimplyAmorous

Satya said:


> Odo says that it's OK to generalize sometimes. He calls himself a walking penis around me.
> 
> *All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. *It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


My husband may be a little extreme here.. if I showed the slightest disinterest.. he would turn away...I would go as far as to say he "needs" my enthusiasm... If I gave the slightest notion of Pity sex, he wouldn't touch me... Thankfully.. this has never been an issue, he may have felt it was slightly when his drive was higher... Even then... a little hands on & I was all over him, he knew this... 

I've found.. whether initiated by him or me...my feeling his want or his feeling mine (enthusiasm)... we feed off of each other.. it's erotically catchy, we want to yield to that...


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## Adelais

From reading on TAM for several years, and then observing my husband, I've realized that my husband _needs_ sex to feel good mentally and emotionally. He loves the physical aspect of it, but after it is over, the benefits serve him for a few days.

I used to think he just needed the physical release for it's own sake. I realize how connected sex is to his his heart and to his self esteem.

Now that I understand him better I appreciate him more, try to give him more grace, and try to meet his sexual needs more frequently.


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## Jayg14

Satya said:


> All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


This is me, 100%.


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## Where there's a will

Is it not the case (and I am generalising hugely here) that most women lose their need for sex as time goes on. This is why the girlfriend experience is very different to the wife experience for a man. How many men come home to the girlfriend experience on a regular basis? Even date night is a fake experience in many cases, being a one sided event where the woman gets pampered but the man doesnt get the passionate sex! The old cliche that the sex was great then we got married plays out in thousands of posts on this site because the above is true. There are exceptions ( many on here) but in the real world these are few and far between. Everyone on this website has at least one supercharged sex partner and they are usually the one to post. Most women can take or leave sex once they are comfortable in my experience but for most men things dont change, they want it and they will try and get it.


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## personofinterest

Forgive me. I only read the first few responses - the typical attempt to downplay sex and/or sex for men. 

Yes yes...we are all different. Except, like Syndrome said in The Incredibles, once everyone is super....no one is.

There ARE generalizations that can be made from the norm (bell curve and all that).

MOST healthy men have pretty high drives. For most, sex is the means through which they bond and want/need love expressed to them. Most men need a regular diet of sexual interaction with their wives in order to feel close and intimate.

It is a part of their biology.

So a woman who decides sex is not important is doing so at her selfish peril.

I was married to an outlier. When it came to sex, I was the man, and he was the woman. It was horrible.

If I were a man, I would basically say: if you don't like/want/need sex, don't marry me.

This should not be surprising rocket science.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Summed up....sex with your SO enhances your all around calm.

Getting rejected for some men, damages their calm.

'nuff said. &#55357;&#56856;


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## Andy1001

I think both sexes put too much thought into sex.
This may seem out of place in this thread but bear with me.I was once in an elevator in a hotel in Manchester,England when a girl got on.She had been attending a wedding in the hotel,I was just a guest and on my way back from a night out while contemplating going to the late night residents bar.She looked at me and said “Wanna ****”.
So we did.(In my room,not the elevator lol)
This is only one of many ons I had back then but it has stuck in my mind because it was just so random.
My fiancée and I both spend a lot of time at home,me in my office or den and her decorating or gardening or working out.Doing absolutely nothing is not something that comes easily to my fiancée.
We have sex early every morning and from we moved in together that has been the ritual.
But every couple of days or so one or the other of us will send a text with those two simple loving words.
Wanna ****?


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## I shouldnthave

My take?

What do men get, what do women get? Why is it so important to them?

Validation. 

Sure we can talk about spreading seed, and physical release and all of that. But really, especially when it comes to why it is IMPORTANT, I think the core of it - is validation. Now how someone seeks that may vary. 

The guy out there getting tons of one night stands? He is getting validation that he is desirable to a large number of women (and yes we can argue that) - but he is still getting that dopamine release from sex. He is getting his conquest / success whatever. And the same can be true of a woman, she is getting validation that she is desirable. 

Maybe he is the kind of guy that nothing revs his engine more that passionate sex with his wife. He is getting validation from her that he is desired, that she appreciates his masculinity, admiration and respect. These can all be conveyed through passionate sex. 

I could go on with examples. 

In the end, I think we all want to feel wanted and desired. It can be the primal, proof your genes are desirable, or it can be much more complex. If it were simply a physical need for release, masturbation would be a good substitute, but I think for most that doesn't cut it - as it does not fulfill the need to be desired. If it was just sex with another body, sex for hire would work - but I think many men shy away, because again, there is no validation if you are just paying for it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Where there's a will said:


> Is it not the case (and I am generalising hugely here) that most women lose their need for sex as time goes on. This is why the girlfriend experience is very different to the wife experience for a man. How many men come home to the girlfriend experience on a regular basis? Even date night is a fake experience in many cases, being a one sided event where the woman gets pampered but the man doesnt get the passionate sex! The old cliche that the sex was great then we got married plays out in thousands of posts on this site because the above is true. There are exceptions ( many on here) but in the real world these are few and far between. Everyone on this website has at least one supercharged sex partner and they are usually the one to post. Most women can take or leave sex once they are comfortable in my experience but for most men things dont change, they want it and they will try and get it.


Well, say a males biological imperative is to spray his DNA in as many directions as possible. And a Female's biological imperative is to filter for the best genes to carry forth into her progeny. 

There is no timeline on the male's goal, he can keep spraying as long as he can find a willing fertile female well into his 80's (with enough wealth and power on his side). 

However, if a female reaches her goal with the 2.5 kids, her biological imperative is then fulfilled and she has no need for her males sex anymore. Its purely recreation at that point, and some don't find it very recreational I suppose.


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## uhtred

I don't think the idea that a date night is about women getting "pampered" and me getting "passionate sex" is all that accurate. 

I don't know the statistics, but there are women posters here, and I know of cases from personal experience where it is the women who are wanting passionate sex and are not getting it. 

I think that for a majority of men and women, a "date night" is best if it involves lots of fun (pampering if you will) for both, followed by passionate sex for both. 

Of course its very difficult to get statistics, because you rarely hear from people where everyone is happy. 




Where there's a will said:


> Is it not the case (and I am generalising hugely here) that most women lose their need for sex as time goes on. This is why the girlfriend experience is very different to the wife experience for a man. How many men come home to the girlfriend experience on a regular basis? Even date night is a fake experience in many cases, being a one sided event where the woman gets pampered but the man doesnt get the passionate sex! The old cliche that the sex was great then we got married plays out in thousands of posts on this site because the above is true. There are exceptions ( many on here) but in the real world these are few and far between. Everyone on this website has at least one supercharged sex partner and they are usually the one to post. Most women can take or leave sex once they are comfortable in my experience but for most men things dont change, they want it and they will try and get it.


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## NobodySpecial

sokillme said:


> How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him.


Varied within a man and among them. As with women, there are biological, emotional and experiential components.


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## NobodySpecial

sokillme said:


> OK but your post kind of generalizes. I am interested in how women feel about that, not just what it is.


I feel that it is somewhere between not useful and dangerous to generalize since it is substitution to understanding, accepting and appreciating what it is for any given individual with whom one chooses to relate.


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## NobodySpecial

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I laugh every time I hear how a man biologically needs to 'spread his seed as much as he can' and that's why he is always looking to do just that. *Especially* since we all know that pretty much the dead last thing most guys want is an unplanned pregnancy with some woman they barely know.
> 
> While I understand the _theory_, it doesn't negate the fact that most guys aren't looking to have a litter of kids with 10 different mothers. :grin2:


There may be a biological component to seed spreading, though even that is debatable since human men have been sticking around to help rear their offspring for a long time, it is only one component of modern sexual experience, and not the most important one at that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Obviously in younger unmarried days...

Sex was always being looked for, for me. Everytime I was out, was looking for a willing hot partner.

Mostly women would proposition me, sometimes I'd reach out with a high rate of success. Sometimes dated for a few weeks, never exclusive but always respectful. 

Sex was a way to be connected to the world around me and allowed me to go to many places, would wake up in different houses or apartments. 

I had a hard rule, never say the love word. I figured one day I'd find that someone and did. Sex keeps us physically and emotionally connected. It provides a closed a H can only get from his W.


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## NobodySpecial

Satya said:


> Odo says that it's OK to generalize sometimes. He calls himself a walking penis around me.
> 
> All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman. It may not be the case for every man out there, and yes everyone deserves to be treated as an individual, but the impression I get from the men posting about sex-less marriages on TAM seems to reinforce the general notion.


Unfortunately, I find the male population of TAM to be heavily self selected to be either the victim of infidelity or sexlessness. For the later, as my husband says, for the starving even a cracker looks delicious.


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## TheBohannons

NobodySpecial said:


> Unfortunately, I find the male population of TAM to be heavily self selected to be either the victim of infidelity or sexlessness. For the later, as my husband says, for the starving even a cracker looks delicious.


Edited out for civility.


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## NobodySpecial

TheBohannons said:


> Edited out for civility.


What was uncivil about that?


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## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> Unfortunately, I find the male population of TAM to be heavily self selected to be either the victim of infidelity or sexlessness. For the later, as my husband says, for the starving even a cracker looks delicious.


As an aside, I pretty much agree. Ie

1. She's cheatin' on ya man
2. Buy a VAR
3. DNA yer kids
4. Divorce her

😉


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## happyhusband0005

Sorry to invade but I have a unique thought about this. I think it varies by man yes, but one man can vary from relationship to relationship for many reasons. A lot of men in serious relationships see sex as an affirmation of love from their partner and will doubt that love for not other reason than her being super stressed and not wanting it as much for a period of time. Some guy need to get laid a lot to support shaky self esteem and that can be related to how they are treated by their GF or W. And then there the shallow just because it feels good. But I think men can need sex for different reasons depending on where they are in their life and relationship.


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## TheBohannons

10 characters


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## Personal

TheBohannons said:


> 10 characters


This isn't Loveshack, you don't need to leave ten characters, since one like this "." is sufficient.


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## personofinterest

Personal said:


> TheBohannons said:
> 
> 
> 
> 10 characters
> 
> 
> 
> This isn't Loveshack, you don't need to leave ten characters, since one like this "." is sufficient.
Click to expand...

This made me chuckle 😉


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## Personal

.


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## Handy

*Vinny
Genetically a man's sexual nature is to find as many women as he can to impregnate. *

I try to mentally place myself in the position of the man, the woman, and the child and look at the overall picture. 

1. Being a child without a dad=no thanks.
2. Being the woman without a husband=no thanks.
3. Being the man knowing I had a kid without a good father=no thanks.
4. Being a man knowing the mother of my child was struggling=no thanks.

Maybe because I had a difficult childhood and lived on next to nothing sometimes, caused me to be more empathetic to other people's situation and got me thing about the long term results for all involved.

* Sayta
All joking aside, my opinion is that most men equate enthusiastic, regular sex with being loved and cared for by their woman.*

I am good with this as long as it works this way when the genders are reversed in this example. Unfortunately some people's sex drive changes and they the low drive person generally sets the sexual tone in the relationship.


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## personofinterest

Genetically, I am predisposed to want to punch idiots in the face. However, I practice self control. Because adult. And character. And a civilized society.


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## arbitrator

Handy said:


> *
> Genetically a man's sexual nature is to find as many women as he can to impregnate. *


*First off, I don't want to have that many kids to support, and by the very same token, they sure as hell wouldn't want me!*


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## TheBohannons

Personal said:


> This isn't Loveshack, you don't need to leave ten characters, since one like this "." is sufficient.


Why thank you for that!. FYI, it means more than "erased", so if you dont mind, we will continue to use it.:nerd:


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## alte Dame

As I understand it, scientists think we have two, sometimes competing, adaptations - one is to have as many offspring as possible, and the other is to stick with a family for the duration to raise children safely to maturity. Contrary to the common cant, humans are considered a monogamous species by the experts (at least at this point in scientific thought).

For me, the competition leads to a lot of cognitive dissonance for a woman. We always hear that sex is the number one need for a man in a loving relationship and that men express their love through sex. At the same time (literally the same), we hear that 'it was just sex, it didn't mean anything,' when that same man who was 'loving us through sex' has sex with someone else and hurts us.

My sense is that men can't even explain this dichotomy, either. I know that all the women I know who have been cheated on don't buy the 'it was just sex' rationale because they've believed that the men they are with 'express their love through sex.'

In general, I don't understand the male feelings about sex. How could I? I am a different biological type with different behavioral reflexes. The best I can say is that I have observed that one can generalize about the male sexual nature - individual differences are accounted for aside from the overarching similarities - and that men are different in their sexual attitudes from women. My experience is also that men attach an urgency and importance to sex that women, generally, do not. Again, generally.

I remember reading a post some years ago by a young man who was just married. He described looking at his new wife and thinking, 'Wow, I can have sex with her whenever I want now!' And I thought, 'Is that what a man is thinking when he gets married?' I never in a million years would have thought that way.


----------



## personofinterest

alte Dame said:


> As I understand it, scientists think we have two, sometimes competing, adaptations - one is to have as many offspring as possible, and the other is to stick with a family for the duration to raise children safely to maturity. Contrary to the common cant, humans are considered a monogamous species by the experts (at least at this point in scientific thought).
> 
> *For me, the competition leads to a lot of cognitive dissonance for a woman. We always hear that sex is the number one need for a man in a loving relationship and that men express their love through sex. At the same time (literally the same), we hear that 'it was just sex, it didn't mean anything,' when that same man who was 'loving us through sex' has sex with someone else and hurts us.*
> 
> My sense is that men can't even explain this dichotomy, either. I know that all the women I know who have been cheated on don't buy the 'it was just sex' rationale because they've believed that the men they are with 'express their love through sex.'
> 
> In general, I don't understand the male feelings about sex. How could I? I am a different biological type with different behavioral reflexes. The best I can say is that I have observed that one can generalize about the male sexual nature - individual differences are accounted for aside from the overarching similarities - and that men are different in their sexual attitudes from women. My experience is also that men attach an urgency and importance to sex that women, generally, do not. Again, generally.
> 
> I remember reading a post some years ago by a young man who was just married. He described looking at his new wife and thinking, 'Wow, I can have sex with her whenever I want now!' And I thought, 'Is that what a man is thinking when he gets married?' I never in a million years would have thought that way.


This is how one man explained it to me:

Most men prefer the former: men express love through sex, experience love through sex, it is a need and desire with the woman they are committed to.

HOWEVER

In absence of the above (say, when a woman refuses to do this), he will settle for the latter - sex that doesn't mean anything - because it is better than starving. In other words, when someone is faced with starvation in the woods, they will kill and eat small prey raw. However, that is certainly not what they prefer.

Which leads me to what I say a lot: If you don't care about sex, find someone asexual or don't get married.


----------



## alte Dame

Yes, but there are plenty of men who are not starved at home, but have 'meaningless' sex with other women on the side.


----------



## personofinterest

alte Dame said:


> Yes, but there are plenty of men who are not starved at home, but have 'meaningless' sex with other women on the side.


That speaks more to a particular man's character flaw than to some overarching dissonance.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Unless a H has his thanks but I'm super happily married speech memorized he'll step just past tempted with the right female and approach. 
But with good character will avoid improprieties. 

If single it isn't a problem. Just go with it if desired.


----------



## NJ2

I think sex for H is

-an outlet for emotions - love, happiness, sadness, anxiety, pride...I am surprised at this as I want to talk out my emotions. 

-it is a way of feeling close to me- I am surprised at this as I feel sex is sexual, talking is intimate

-it is a strong frequent primal urge- most enjoyed with me (as opposed to the lone star method)-I'm not surprised at this as I get the natural build up of sexual tension that needs releasing. I am surprise by the frequency- I thought that this would die down by "middle age". This is both good and bad. I do not need sex as frequently - the occassional "wam bam thank you mam" takes some of the pressure off

-sex is a way of re-establishing "claim" thus the hysterical bonding -interesting phenomenon-

-it is a focused desire which ignores any less than ideal body changes in me- pregnancy, weight gain, weight loss, scars from surgery...This is a pleasant surprise. I realize now that he loves and desires my body -because its "his" 

Some of this knowledge or perception has come from reading TAM. I really had no idea how important sex was to him until I read the posts from men on here that were suffering from low self esteem, broken hearts and contemplating divorce- their wives with held sex, didnt show they desired them, didnt enjoy it etc. I had been guilty of all 3.

BIG eyeopener to read about that.... made me feel ashamed that I could have been so self centered as to not realize his needs were soooooo different than mine.

His sexual desire can remain constant-Reading the posts from the men that still love their wives bodies despite imperfections and lust after them despite many years together-

It isnt all about the sex act. It is about feeling loved through physical contact too. He likes to sleep nude and cuddle, he likes to sit together on the same sofa and put his arms around me. These have been the best surprises.


----------



## sokillme

NJ2 said:


> I think sex for H is
> 
> -an outlet for emotions - love, happiness, sadness, anxiety, pride...I am surprised at this as I want to talk out my emotions.
> 
> -it is a way of feeling close to me- I am surprised at this as I feel sex is sexual, talking is intimate
> 
> -it is a strong frequent primal urge- most enjoyed with me (as opposed to the lone star method)-I'm not surprised at this as I get the natural build up of sexual tension that needs releasing. I am surprise by the frequency- I thought that this would die down by "middle age". This is both good and bad. I do not need sex as frequently - the occassional "wam bam thank you mam" takes some of the pressure off
> 
> -sex is a way of re-establishing "claim" thus the hysterical bonding -interesting phenomenon-
> 
> -it is a focused desire which ignores any less than ideal body changes in me- pregnancy, weight gain, weight loss, scars from surgery...This is a pleasant surprise. I realize now that he loves and desires my body -because its "his"
> 
> Some of this knowledge or perception has come from reading TAM. I really had no idea how important sex was to him until I read the posts from men on here that were suffering from low self esteem, broken hearts and contemplating divorce- their wives with held sex, didnt show they desired them, didnt enjoy it etc. I had been guilty of all 3.
> 
> BIG eyeopener to read about that.... made me feel ashamed that I could have been so self centered as to not realize his needs were soooooo different than mine.
> 
> His sexual desire can remain constant-Reading the posts from the men that still love their wives bodies despite imperfections and lust after them despite many years together-
> 
> It isnt all about the sex act. It is about feeling loved through physical contact too. He likes to sleep nude and cuddle, he likes to sit together on the same sofa and put his arms around me. These have been the best surprises.


I think you are 100% correct here. You have a very good understanding as how I as a man feel my nature is as regards to my wife. One thing I would expand upon is that the urge mention in point 3 might not be the urge to have sex or orgasm for instance but to feel close, or any of the other emotions mentioned. I am feeling sad, having sex with my wife can really change that for me.
I think of the lyrics to the song sexual healing. That song is not a metaphor for men, it's truth. 

I really wish more wives understood and believed this as it would be better for people's marriage. Just like I really wish more husbands would try to provide for their wives emotional needs. It's important that wives feel intimacy by talking and therefor as a husband you need to make the effort to have deep conversations with your wife, or romance your wife. The same is true for physical intimacy for most men.


----------



## alte Dame

personofinterest said:


> That speaks more to a particular man's character flaw than to some overarching dissonance.


The fact that a man actually goes out and does it is arguably a character flaw. The fact that he wants to in such a driving way is, I think, quite common. And this is for women with whom they have no relationship at all.

Scientists say that young men think about sex constantly. This is biological. Young women do not, also biological.

The drive for sex with many is part of the natural, species-defined DNA, not a character flaw.


----------



## personofinterest

alte Dame said:


> The fact that a man actually goes out and does it is arguably a character flaw. The fact that he wants to in such a driving way is, I think, quite common. And this is for women with whom they have no relationship at all.
> 
> Scientists say that young men think about sex constantly. This is biological. *Young women do not, also biological*.


LOL....I guess I'm not actually female then....funny, I have all the right parts.....

Bottom line - again - biology or not, when you marry someone, you are making a vow to care for them. That includes their needs, including the very valid and real need for sexual intimacy.

Don't care about sex? Don't get married.


----------



## alte Dame

I don't disagree with the idea that you shouldn't get married if you don't want sex. I was addressing the OP's op.

You may, in fact be outside the norm. Non-anecdotal research found that in a one-week period:

'(T)he median number of sexual thoughts for men was 18.6 and for women it was 9.9. In contrast, the average for men was 34.2 and for women it was 18.6.'

This was an average daily tally.

But, honestly, the idea that women don't necessarily understand how a man feels about sex isn't particularly new. (And, btw, the 'dissonance' that I cite is also the subject of numerous studies.)


----------



## personofinterest

alte Dame said:


> I don't disagree with the idea that you shouldn't get married if you don't want sex. I was addressing the OP's op.
> 
> You may, in fact be outside the norm. Non-anecdotal research found that in a one-week period:
> 
> '(T)he median number of sexual thoughts for men was 18.6 and for women it was 9.9. In contrast, the average for men was 34.2 and for women it was 18.6.'
> 
> This was an average daily tally.
> 
> But, honestly, the idea that women don't necessarily understand how a man feels about sex isn't particularly new. (And, btw, the 'dissonance' that I cite is also the subject of numerous studies.)


I definitely agree that a woman cannot know exactly how a man feels (and vice versa, though many people of both genders think they can).

I am sure I probably am an outlier, based on the number of threads about sex-starved husband and the number of women who comment in defense of the depriving wife.

The bottom line for me is that while I might not ever be able to see it through a man's eyes, I have seen enough and read enough to know that if I decided my husband's need for sex was iknvalid, I knew better, and he should just get over it....I'd be dealing him a very selfish, cruel, unloving blow. I'm not going to do that because it basically violates the very real vows I took to love, honor, and cherish him.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

NJ2 said:


> I think sex for H is
> 
> -an outlet for emotions - love, happiness, sadness, anxiety, pride...I am surprised at this as I want to talk out my emotions.
> 
> -it is a way of feeling close to me- I am surprised at this as I feel sex is sexual, talking is intimate
> 
> -it is a strong frequent primal urge- most enjoyed with me (as opposed to the lone star method)-I'm not surprised at this as I get the natural build up of sexual tension that needs releasing. I am surprise by the frequency- I thought that this would die down by "middle age". This is both good and bad. I do not need sex as frequently - the occassional "wam bam thank you mam" takes some of the pressure off
> 
> -sex is a way of re-establishing "claim" thus the hysterical bonding -interesting phenomenon-
> 
> -it is a focused desire which ignores any less than ideal body changes in me- pregnancy, weight gain, weight loss, scars from surgery...This is a pleasant surprise. I realize now that he loves and desires my body -because its "his"
> 
> Some of this knowledge or perception has come from reading TAM. I really had no idea how important sex was to him until I read the posts from men on here that were suffering from low self esteem, broken hearts and contemplating divorce- their wives with held sex, didnt show they desired them, didnt enjoy it etc. I had been guilty of all 3.
> 
> BIG eyeopener to read about that.... made me feel ashamed that I could have been so self centered as to not realize his needs were soooooo different than mine.
> 
> His sexual desire can remain constant-Reading the posts from the men that still love their wives bodies despite imperfections and lust after them despite many years together-
> 
> It isnt all about the sex act. It is about feeling loved through physical contact too. He likes to sleep nude and cuddle, he likes to sit together on the same sofa and put his arms around me. These have been the best surprises.


I think this sums it up the best. Hands down.


----------



## NJ2

sokillme said:


> I think you are 100% correct here. You have a very good understanding as how I as a man feel my nature is as regards to my wife. One thing I would expand upon is that the urge mention in point 3 might not be the urge to have sex or orgasm for instance but to feel close, or any of the other emotions mentioned. I am feeling sad, having sex with my wife can really change that for me.
> I think of the lyrics to the song sexual healing. That song is not a metaphor for men, it's truth.
> 
> I really wish more wives understood and believed this as it would be better for people's marriage. Just like I really wish more husbands would try to provide for their wives emotional needs. It's important that wives feel intimacy by talking and therefor as a husband you need to make the effort to have deep conversations with your wife, or romance your wife. The same is true for physical intimacy for most men.


 @sokillme -I agree - "sexual healing" could be a theme song for many men
-although the urge may begin as wanting closeness it (more often than not- circumstances permitting) morphs to a sexual urge. This can be a bit exhausting - as I'm in bed sleeping and h comes to bed and wants to snuggle-awesome- but then it often leads to him wanting sex- this can be difficult - kids are home, their bedrooms are close, I'm tired and just want to sleep...I think because we are more in synch these days he sees an occassional "not tonight" as a postponement till the morning rather than a rejection.

He tries to really listen to me now. I know this must be challenging for him since he's an action guy- he also does kind things like PVR his sports so we can watch shows I like together first. That tells me he cares. Nothing sexier than that!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

NobodySpecial said:


> Unfortunately, I find the male population of TAM to be heavily self selected to be either the victim of infidelity or sexlessness. For the later, as my husband says, for the starving even a cracker looks delicious.


Full disclosure......actually I'm fortunate with W of 33 yrs and we're mostly in synch as in she matches me whenever.

I read TAM for the great pool of information on different ways to be a better communicator. 

only because I'm older and have lived through many issues sometimes I can contribute in a positive manner to some troubling circumstances posted....other times I just listen and learn. A person is never to old to improve.


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## oldshirt

alte Dame said:


> For me, the competition leads to a lot of cognitive dissonance for a woman. We always hear that sex is the number one need for a man in a loving relationship and that men express their love through sex. At the same time (literally the same), we hear that 'it was just sex, it didn't mean anything,' when that same man who was 'loving us through sex' has sex with someone else and hurts us.
> 
> My sense is that men can't even explain this dichotomy, either. I know that all the women I know who have been cheated on don't buy the 'it was just sex' rationale because they've believed that the men they are with 'express their love through sex.'


That is an interesting dichotomy.

I do not have the end-all-be-all answer of course, but I can try to share my thoughts on the question and you can let me know if it helps at all or just muddys the waters that much more. 

I'm not going to try to speak for other men, but this is my experience and thoughts on that matter. 

I do exchange, give and receive, and experience love through sex and it is one of my primary love languages.

I would not be able to have an ongoing, full time relationship with someone that did not include sexual intimacy. Romance and sexuality are what separates my primary relationship from all other relationships and what makes my special someone "special."

If that goes away, the "special" goes away and that person becomes just another person on the street. (well OK, maybe not literally a person on the street, but you know what I mean)

Now that being said, I do not need to be in love with or in a relationship to have sex with someone. I do not necessarily even need to think that there is even potential for a relationship to have sex. 

I have in fact had sex with people in less than an hour of meeting them. And at times it was very hot, passionate sex at that. 

If the sexual chemistry and compatibility was good, it did make me appreciate and like that person and made me comfortable around them and close in spirit to them, even if no ongoing or serious relationship came from it. 

The interaction and relationship may have been limited to sex, but it was still significant and meaningful to me. Sexuality and sexual chemistry and compatibility is important to me - there for that interaction and person were important. 

But they may not have been a person compatible for me to have an ongoing relationship with and certainly not enough to have a home and marriage and raise children with. 

To date, there has only been one person that I have asked to marry and had a home and family with, where as I have had sexual encounters with over one hundred. 

So I have had "just sex" in the sense that no ongoing relationship occurred. But that interaction was also very meaningful and significant to me and the people I have had good sex with, I consider special people in my life. 

There have been other people that were great people and have many great qualities and would make great wives and mothers and great life partners. But the sexual chemistry and compatibility was not there and so the relationship(s) did not last (some of them dumped me, so it's not like I was out pumping and dumping people. The chemistry and compatibility was not good enough on their end for some of the people. for others the C/C was not enough on my end) 

However IMHO this does not translate into cheating and is not an excuse or a get-out-of-jail-card for cheating. 

If you don't want your mate having sex with other people, it doesn't matter if it is "just sex" or not. 


I don't believe "it didn't mean anything" is ever true. Sex is significant and always means something and always has an impact. It may not mean that you want to leave everything and ride off into the sunset with that person. But it doesn't mean that it was insignificant. 

I think when cheaters say that, it directly translates into - "I wanted some extra fun and excitement and wanted to feel a hormone rush, but that doesn't mean I want to change anything else." It's usually just an act of selfishness and self-centeredness and they want other people to simply accept it and not make a frukus about it.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Its always just sex for me. I don't feel any deeper emotional connection through sex. It just feels good. It is purely a physical reaction for me whether it with someone I care deeply for or barely know.

Doing things for each other, having a nice time out together, or just cuddling on the couch are more meaningful to me, honestly.


----------



## sokillme

NJ2 said:


> @sokillme -I agree - "sexual healing" could be a theme song for many men
> -although the urge may begin as wanting closeness it (more often than not- circumstances permitting) morphs to a sexual urge. This can be a bit exhausting - as I'm in bed sleeping and h comes to bed and wants to snuggle-awesome- but then it often leads to him wanting sex- this can be difficult - kids are home, their bedrooms are close, I'm tired and just want to sleep...I think because we are more in synch these days he sees an occassional "not tonight" as a postponement till the morning rather than a rejection.
> 
> He tries to really listen to me now. I know this must be challenging for him since he's an action guy- he also does kind things like PVR his sports so we can watch shows I like together first. That tells me he cares. Nothing sexier than that!


I agree, understanding each others needs and both being willing to nurture them but also being willing to wait to be nurtured is pretty much how the best marriages work. If done right it makes you want to do so all the more.


----------



## alte Dame

oldshirt said:


> That is an interesting dichotomy.
> 
> I do not have the end-all-be-all answer of course, but I can try to share my thoughts on the question and you can let me know if it helps at all or just muddys the waters that much more.
> 
> I'm not going to try to speak for other men, but this is my experience and thoughts on that matter.
> 
> I do exchange, give and receive, and experience love through sex and it is one of my primary love languages.
> 
> I would not be able to have an ongoing, full time relationship with someone that did not include sexual intimacy. Romance and sexuality are what separates my primary relationship from all other relationships and what makes my special someone "special."
> 
> If that goes away, the "special" goes away and that person becomes just another person on the street. (well OK, maybe not literally a person on the street, but you know what I mean)
> 
> Now that being said, I do not need to be in love with or in a relationship to have sex with someone. I do not necessarily even need to think that there is even potential for a relationship to have sex.
> 
> I have in fact had sex with people in less than an hour of meeting them. And at times it was very hot, passionate sex at that.
> 
> If the sexual chemistry and compatibility was good, it did make me appreciate and like that person and made me comfortable around them and close in spirit to them, even if no ongoing or serious relationship came from it.
> 
> The interaction and relationship may have been limited to sex, but it was still significant and meaningful to me. Sexuality and sexual chemistry and compatibility is important to me - there for that interaction and person were important.
> 
> But they may not have been a person compatible for me to have an ongoing relationship with and certainly not enough to have a home and marriage and raise children with.
> 
> To date, there has only been one person that I have asked to marry and had a home and family with, where as I have had sexual encounters with over one hundred.
> 
> So I have had "just sex" in the sense that no ongoing relationship occurred. But that interaction was also very meaningful and significant to me and the people I have had good sex with, I consider special people in my life.
> 
> There have been other people that were great people and have many great qualities and would make great wives and mothers and great life partners. But the sexual chemistry and compatibility was not there and so the relationship(s) did not last (some of them dumped me, so it's not like I was out pumping and dumping people. The chemistry and compatibility was not good enough on their end for some of the people. for others the C/C was not enough on my end)
> 
> However IMHO this does not translate into cheating and is not an excuse or a get-out-of-jail-card for cheating.
> 
> If you don't want your mate having sex with other people, it doesn't matter if it is "just sex" or not.
> 
> 
> I don't believe "it didn't mean anything" is ever true. Sex is significant and always means something and always has an impact. It may not mean that you want to leave everything and ride off into the sunset with that person. But it doesn't mean that it was insignificant.
> 
> I think when cheaters say that, it directly translates into - "I wanted some extra fun and excitement and wanted to feel a hormone rush, but that doesn't mean I want to change anything else." It's usually just an act of selfishness and self-centeredness and they want other people to simply accept it and not make a frukus about it.


This is a great post, in my opinion.

You explain what it means to you very eloquently, and more so than any man I've ever spoken to about this. Your feelings about sex are not something I can identify with completely as a woman. They really are different. I could not have sex with someone within an hour of meeting him and don't think I've ever had a friend who could or even wanted to in a real way. (I know that there are women who do this, but we are talking about norms and basic instinct, not outliers.)

Perhaps what the man who has just had sex with a non-marriage-worthy woman should say to his wife is, 'It didn't mean to me what it meant to you.'


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## TheBohannons

Speaking for myself and close friends, it is the nature of men to "want" sex, but the only time you "need" sex is when you are not getting it. I may think about sex daily, however I know her sleep patterns, so if I don't get it today, the sun will rise and I will get it tomorrow. 

But what if it is not available tomorrow. 

There is a possibility that something may go wrong with her in the future (hereditary) and intimacy may grind to a halt. We have talked about this and addressing the need. Quite honestly, if her health and life is in question, I see myself more concerned about the rest of our lives, than the need.

Daily sex means different things and fluctuates every hour. Sometimes, it's love, sometimes it's lust, sometimes it is fun and recreation. But for us, sex is something very personal. It is like a private little world. Nothing else exist when intimacy begins. The world to stop, just for the moment. 

100 days


----------



## TheBohannons

Note. There was a time (after a 3 year forced celibacy) when I simply did not care to be in any kind of relationship. My number exploded from 3 to 100 in 2 years. What did sex mean to me then?. Simply enjoying a females body. Nothing more, nothing less.


----------



## personofinterest

TheBohannons said:


> Speaking for myself and close friends, it is the nature of men to "want" sex, but the only time you "need" sex is when you are not getting it. I may think about sex daily, however I know her sleep patterns, so if I don't get it today, the sun will rise and I will get it tomorrow.
> 
> But what if it is not available tomorrow.
> 
> There is a possibility that something may go wrong with her in the future (hereditary) and intimacy may grind to a halt. We have talked about this and addressing the need. Quite honestly, if her health and life is in question, I see myself more concerned about the rest of our lives, than the need.
> 
> Daily sex means different things and fluctuates every hour. Sometimes, it's love, sometimes it's lust, sometimes it is fun and recreation. But for us, sex is something very personal. It is like a private little world. Nothing else exist when intimacy begins. The world to stop, just for the moment.
> 
> 100 days


This is very astute. I never really think about my "need" for food because I am fortunate enough to be afforded 3 meals a day. However, if my food was withheld for a week, you can bet I'd notice!

I have heard people say that sex is only 5% of marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. I think for a healthy spouse who desires his or her wife or husband, this is true.

My husband and I have a VERY active sex life, and I love it. If he had an accident today and became a quadriplegic, I would not resent the change in our sex life. I would not feel he was withholding from me or neglecting me. My main concern would be his well being.

HOWEVER, if he just unilaterally decided sex wasn't important anymore and I "shouldn't" need it so much....you better believe I'd be angry.

There is a huge difference between "can't" and "won't". I have empathy for can't. If you won't, do your poor spouse a favor and leave.


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## 269370

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I laugh every time I hear how a man biologically needs to 'spread his seed as much as he can' and that's why he is always looking to do just that. *Especially* since we all know that pretty much the dead last thing most guys want is an unplanned pregnancy with some woman they barely know.
> 
> While I understand the _theory_, it doesn't negate the fact that most guys aren't looking to have a litter of kids with 10 different mothers. :grin2:



Yep, therein lies the conflict between the big head and the little head.
Little head wants to spread, big head is freaking out while spreading all over the place like there is no tomorrow. Though which one is the little head after all is said and done is another question.

Though me personally: if my wife would let me, I would have another 10 kids, no problem. I love kids. I don’t know why.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

FeministInPink said:


> He's a person, not a walking penis.



Speak for yourself! 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11

inmyprime said:


> Yep, therein lies the conflict between the big head and the little head.
> Little head wants to spread, big head is freaking out while spreading all over the place like there is no tomorrow. Though which one is the little head after all is said and done is another question.
> 
> Though me personally: if my wife would let me, I would have another 10 kids, no problem. I love kids. I don’t know why.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep, when the little head takes over, rational thoughts like the next 18 years of your life seem to take a backseat. Thats why its more of a biological imperative or hard coding than a logical thought process. Its not to say its uncontrollable, but the little head does makes some very convincing arguments at the time.


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## 269370

personofinterest said:


> In absence of the above (say, when a woman refuses to do this), he will settle for the latter - sex that doesn't mean anything - because it is better than starving. In other words, when someone is faced with starvation in the woods, they will kill and eat small prey raw. However, that is certainly not what they prefer.


It gets more complicated than that. When a man is hungry AND horny, he gets all confused and has sex with a sheep. :bounce:


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## PigglyWiggly

inmyprime said:


> It gets more complicated than that. When a man is hungry AND horny, he gets all confused and has sex with a sheep. :bounce:


"Have you ever had sex with a sheep?"
"Naaaaaaaaaaaa"


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I shouldnthave said:


> My take?
> 
> What do men get, what do women get? Why is it so important to them?
> 
> Validation.
> 
> Sure we can talk about spreading seed, and physical release and all of that. But really, especially when it comes to why it is IMPORTANT, I think the core of it - is validation. Now how someone seeks that may vary.
> 
> The guy out there getting tons of one night stands? He is getting validation that he is desirable to a large number of women (and yes we can argue that) - but he is still getting that dopamine release from sex. He is getting his conquest / success whatever. And the same can be true of a woman, she is getting validation that she is desirable.
> 
> Maybe he is the kind of guy that nothing revs his engine more that passionate sex with his wife. He is getting validation from her that he is desired, that she appreciates his masculinity, admiration and respect. These can all be conveyed through passionate sex.
> 
> I could go on with examples.
> 
> In the end, I think we all want to feel wanted and desired. It can be the primal, proof your genes are desirable, or it can be much more complex. If it were simply a physical need for release, masturbation would be a good substitute, but I think for most that doesn't cut it - as it does not fulfill the need to be desired. If it was just sex with another body, sex for hire would work - but I think many men shy away, because again, there is no validation if you are just paying for it.


Great Post !! ... I very much agree ... Personally speaking... It means everything to me to be desired by my husband... If I felt this was lost... it would crush me emotionally.... I would also not be satisfied...anything resembling pity sex - I could not do... "Desire" / this validation is very very important to me....it's life giving.. it is passion/ fulfillment for me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

PigglyWiggly said:


> "Have you ever had sex with a sheep?"
> "Naaaaaaaaaaaa"


We took a vacation to West Virginia a couple yrs ago, we were in a real hick town... literally my husband walked into a store and overheard a young man talking about doing his goat :surprise:.. could have meant something else I suppose (hopefully!).. I wish I witnessed this, I stayed in the car darn it ! It sure was amusing when he came out & laid this story on me, how they were carrying on/ talking..... like NOOOO!!! 

Maybe they like to get a rise out of outsiders and say outrageous things like this..


----------



## ConanHub

alte Dame said:


> Scientists say that young men think about sex constantly. This is biological. Young women do not.


Those scientists didn't get around to explaining that to an awful lot of young women I happened to be around when I was a young man.

They seemed to think about it a lot more than me anyway.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

SimplyAmorous said:


> We took a vacation to West Virginia a couple yrs ago, we were in a real hick town... literally my husband walked into a store and overheard a young man talking about doing his goat :surprise:.. could have meant something else I suppose (hopefully!).. I wish I witnessed this, I stayed in the car darn it ! It sure was amusing when he came out & laid this story on me, how they were carrying on/ talking..... like NOOOO!!!
> 
> Maybe they like to get a rise out of outsiders and say outrageous things like this..


Do you know why it is recommended to drink goat's milk? It makes your "butt" better


----------



## As'laDain

alte Dame said:


> The fact that a man actually goes out and does it is arguably a character flaw. The fact that he wants to in such a driving way is, I think, quite common. And this is for women with whom they have no relationship at all.
> 
> *Scientists say that young men think about sex constantly. This is biological. Young women do not, also biological.*
> 
> The drive for sex with many is part of the natural, species-defined DNA, not a character flaw.


i have always found it surprising that anyone takes those studies seriously. tell people to think about something and they will think about it. if i sat a bunch of people down and told them to press a clicker every time they thought about giraffes i could probably produce some outrageous results, indicating that the average person thinks about giraffes several hundred/thousand times a day.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

As'laDain said:


> i have always found it surprising that anyone takes those studies seriously. tell people to think about something and they will think about it. if i sat a bunch of people down and told them to press a clicker every time they thought about giraffes i could probably produce some outrageous results, indicating that the average person thinks about giraffes several hundred/thousand times a day.


When I was 30 or less, I DID think about sex constantly. I am HL. I still think about it a lot during the day at 49


----------



## alte Dame

PigglyWiggly said:


> When I was 30 or less, I DID think about sex constantly. I am HL. I still think about it a lot during the day at 49


Yes, thank you. That is the point. Your patterns weren't a result of someone telling you to think about something.

I find it interesting that someone posts a thread in the Ladies' Lounge asking what women think is a man's sexual nature and so many men come in and declare that what a woman thinks cannot be what a woman thinks, even if the point she is making is a simple one about modern research results.

As a woman, I think what I think after years of experience as a woman, as well as years of reading, learning, and raising children (including male children).

People here can insist that I am wrong based on their own intuition and life experience, but they won't convince me of it without something other than seat-of-the-pants reaction.

Like it or not, the studies I cite are not throwaways. They represent serious work over long periods of time. They are not 'outrageous results' - that's absurd. Saying that you reject them doesn't negate their findings.

Also like it or not, I express an opinion as a woman's point of view. I think that was the point of the OP, wasn't it?


----------



## ConanHub

@alte Dame

I'm not trying to negate your POV or the studies, however, I will offer an alternate POV and there are also more and more studies showing differing results than the ones you are referring to.

Women can be and are, voracious sexual beings in my personal experience and many newer studies are backing that assertion.
@Faithful Wife is a woman as well and her POV as well as her understanding of the studies I am referring to, concur with my thoughts on this subject.


----------



## alte Dame

ConanHub said:


> @alte Dame
> 
> I'm not trying to negate your POV or the studies, however, I will offer an alternate POV and there are also more and more studies showing differing results than the ones you are referring to.
> 
> Women can be and are, voracious sexual beings in my personal experience and many newer studies are backing that assertion.
> 
> @Faithful Wife is a woman as well and her POV as well as her understanding of the studies I am referring to, concur with my thoughts on this subject.


Yes, @ConanHub, of course, women are sexual beings, even voracious ones sometimes. My point is, and always has been, that there are biological differences and that women don't and can't in the vast, vast majority of cases, understand what it feels like to be a man. The reasons for this are at their base genetic and biological. We can project all we want onto the opposite sex, but it won't necessarily elucidate the divide, in my opinion. The physiological differences between us, including the different mix of hormones in our bodies, literally guarantees that we will have different experiences that the opposite gender will never have or, in my opinion, truly understand.


----------



## ConanHub

No arguments on that point.


----------



## As'laDain

i am very high drive myself, but i dont think about sex constantly. when i am home, i often have sex with my wife several times a day, but even during those times, i dont think about sex constantly. 

i have known a lot of women to cite that BS number, about how its "scientifically proven" that guys think about sex every 7 or 8 seconds. it is complete BS, totally made up. even as a horny teenager i was never that single minded. 

this thread is a good example of how deeply ingrained the myth is that men think about sex all the time. some do, most don't. just like some women think about sex all the time, most don't. there aren't very many studies that have actually been done on the topic, and the ones that have been done show that people vary wildly, with men thinking about sex, food, and sleep about twice as much as women, on average.


----------



## SA2017

sokillme said:


> How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him. What are your feelings about that? Why do you think in general it is SO important for men? How did this make you feel about them and yourself?
> 
> Granted it is also from women, but the stereotype and i think at time truth is maybe not as much or as much for many women.
> 
> 
> The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention.
> This one should be good.


I (and just talking from my stand of view and experiences) think that most males see sex as a necessary act just like going to pee or eat. no need of mental connection nor love. it took me a while until I figured that out.


----------



## notmyrealname4

,


----------



## uhtred

I don't think its that simple.

Women (and some men) can enjoy romance novels but that doesn't mean they are replacing real romance. Porn is not replacing sex / intimacy - it is just entertainment.  Of course some people fail to recognize the difference between reality and the fantasy of porn or romance, leading to serious relationship problems.

For many of us sex and love ARE related. Sex, love, romance all combine together, and with any of the missing a relationship is not very good.

I think it is a mistake to try to group billions of people together and try to understand how *they* think. Different people think differently. 







notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, this is shown through men's relationship with pornography.
> 
> If sex to men is really "how they show love", then it's severely weird that you can be replaced by a porn image at any time. This "receiving love" is just bunk.
> 
> I think @SA2017 has stated it most succinctly:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This did not fully sink in with me until about the last year; and I am in my early 50's!!!! I feel so stupid and embarrassed for all the kooky ideals I've had all my life. Sex and love are completely unrelated. Sure, I'm a sucker for romance, and a bit slow on the uptake; but I do blame the Disney/fairytale cultural influence for contributing to my beliefs. STOP letting little girls believe in romance. You're not doing them any favors.
> 
> 
> Can love and sex walk hand in hand? I suppose they could. In fact, if they didn't, I don't think we'd have a civilization.
> 
> If you've got great sex and love; you are lucky. Congratulations; don't take it for granted and don't tell anyone else. That could cause a lot of envy and jealousy to be aimed your way.


----------



## As'laDain

Sunsmiles77 said:


> Seven times a day? How many vitamins are you taking and do you have a job lol!!!


not seven, several. as in more than twice. i do have a job, and it keeps me away from home most of the time...


----------



## notmyrealname4

.


----------



## uhtred

For some people, sex, romance and love are closely tied together. For others they are not. As long as people from these different groups don't get into relationships with each other, things are great.



notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm "related" to about 20 second cousins; but I know next to nothing about most of them. Sex and love are two completely separate things that have nothing to do with each other, unless we choose to link them.
> 
> Don't see that I "group[ed] billions of people together". I stated my own opinion; experience gleaned at the school of hard knocks.


----------



## notmyrealname4

,


----------



## sokillme

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm "related" to about 20 second cousins; but I know next to nothing about most of them. Sex and love are two completely separate things that have nothing to do with each other, unless we choose to link them.
> 
> Don't see that I "group[ed] billions of people together". I stated my own opinion; experience gleaned at the school of hard knocks.


Except for the fact that sex releases neurological chemicals in the brain that cause bonding. Which makes it somewhat biological.


----------



## notmyrealname4

.


----------



## uhtred

In that direction, but many people cannot feel romantic love without sex. 






notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, I personally choose to link them together.
> 
> But that is my choice and preference.
> 
> Love and sex, in and of themselves, have nothing to do with each other.
> 
> Example: rape, Tinder hookups , a pornography filmshoot.
> 
> Lots of sex, zero love.


----------



## notmyrealname4

,


----------



## sokillme

notmyrealname4 said:


> Biological, sure. Sex is biological. Love is not.
> 
> When I say "love", I am talking about the conscious choice to be faithful to someone, to share with them, put them above all others, "in sickness and health", "for richer or poorer".
> 
> None of those things can depend on oxytocin. They require discipline. Example: people who have low-to-no sex marriages [for whatever reason], yet stay together and still care for one another. That is emotional discipline. Not sex and biology.


Actually I think this is true, but I think continual sex with the same person can help lead to love and is the glue that makes it stronger.


----------



## notmyrealname4

.


----------



## uhtred

For me, sex is a necessary ingredient for romantic love, but there can be sex without love (though its much less interesting). 




notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm "related" to about 20 second cousins; but I know next to nothing about most of them. Sex and love are two completely separate things that have nothing to do with each other, unless we choose to link them.
> 
> Don't see that I "group[ed] billions of people together". I stated my own opinion; experience gleaned at the school of hard knocks.


----------



## *Deidre*

My husband feels the most loved (I think, he hasn't said this, but I've picked up on it) when we have sex. Lots of sex. lol It's not so much about positions and all that, as much as it is my interest level and desire to want to have sex with him. We have sex almost every day, and it's spontaneous. I want that to always remain that way, he is very spontaneous. Only speaking on his behalf, sex is likely his love language. Words, are mine. So he says all the right things, and I'm naked as often as he likes.


----------



## JustTheWife

uhtred said:


> For some people, sex, romance and love are closely tied together. For others they are not. As long as people from these different groups don't get into relationships with each other, things are great.





notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, I personally choose to link them together.
> 
> But that is my choice and preference.
> 
> Love and sex, in and of themselves, have nothing to do with each other.
> 
> Example: rape, Tinder hookups , a pornography filmshoot.
> 
> Lots of sex, zero love.





sokillme said:


> Except for the fact that sex releases neurological chemicals in the brain that cause bonding. Which makes it somewhat biological.





notmyrealname4 said:


> I would say that "romantic love" is a euphemism for sex. IOW, they are the same.
> 
> 
> Which is the type of muddled thinking I would love to banish from existence. Calling sex "sleeping together", "making love".
> 
> Calling things what they are will greatly assist in helping people, especially young people, to know what they are about. Instead of confusing and deceiving them that sex and love are the same thing.
> 
> I think that this is *crucial* for young girls especially; who are fed this tripe ipso facto [because they are female]. But that's a whole other thread topic.



I'm tormented because I've had a lot of what would normally be called "casual sex". But NO sex is casual for me. Everyone is different but for me no sex can ever be casual. For me it has a huge meaning. It creates a bond forever. Maybe it's different for men but for me, when a man goes inside me, it's like he becomes part of my soul. Or he takes part of my soul. It's an extremely powerful act.

I was raised very religious and I believe that when you have sex with someone, you become one flesh and it's a very important part of the marriage bond. I know there are different views on this but it's pretty clear that sex makes you "one flesh" and God considers that a very strong and serious bond. 

I guess when you find the one you love and marry him you're supposed to say that all the sex you had with other people didn't mean anything. If only it could be that simple.


----------



## uhtred

The other people I had sex with mean something to me, but in no way diminish my feelings for my wife. They are just very pleasant memories from long ago 




JustTheWife said:


> I'm tormented because I've had a lot of what would normally be called "casual sex". But NO sex is casual for me. Everyone is different but for me no sex can ever be casual. For me it has a huge meaning. It creates a bond forever. Maybe it's different for men but for me, when a man goes inside me, it's like he becomes part of my soul. Or he takes part of my soul. It's an extremely powerful act.
> 
> I was raised very religious and I believe that when you have sex with someone, you become one flesh and it's a very important part of the marriage bond. I know there are different views on this but it's pretty clear that sex makes you "one flesh" and God considers that a very strong and serious bond.
> 
> I guess when you find the one you love and marry him you're supposed to say that all the sex you had with other people didn't mean anything. If only it could be that simple.


----------



## bobsmith

Man here, and probably a confused one these days. I cannot speak for all men as I find myself to be a bit different but I will share none the less. 

In some ways I think initial sex is a form of "validation" for me. Sure, it is nice to have that release, but when a women decides to open her bed to you, she is saying, "I am not using you for someone to just talk to and hang out with". I know it can probably mean a lot of things but at least for me and probably most of my partners, it is VERY difficult to not form some type of emotional bond on some level. I like that feeling of being desired, but that will quickly open the door as to how much I desire a future with them after the validation phase. I cannot help but think women have the same gear, to feel desired and validated. 

I remember being in my early 20s and lots of women all wanting sex. But in all cases, they were using it either to prove their own worth that they can get me, or use it to try to get a relationship started. I have to admit that in most all of those cases, it was a type of validation for me, just to say I did it I guess, but I knew I did not want a relationship with them. One I remember was super into me and she had just massive breasts and I just wanted that experience. In some way, I guess we both got something. She got the bragging right, and I got the experience I wanted. 

I guess in some respects I was both blessed and cursed to fall deeply in love early in high school. It changed me. It's a whole lot more than "when can we have sex", there is a bond, a best friend, a consultant, etc. 

I don't buy into the "spread the seed" crap for men. Vasectomies are super common these days and two of my best friends did it very early in life. I don't think most men are thinking "man, I wanna knock her up", more it is "man, I hope I DON'T knock her up!" 

As for cheating on an SO, all I can say is I am not really wired that way. I would say I have done it when separated from my SO, but it was again, a form of validation to feel desired, and I felt like complete garbage after doing it, and I still regret it. It is NOT something I actively sought or desired while in a relationship. I think there are a few personality types that desire to cheat, some men find it vary hard to find anyone that will even marry them, others that are very good looking, want a wife they can lean on, but have no self control to avoid temptation. It's all about respect. If I even had the thought of cheating (we all have), I simply think of that the other way around and how I would feel. At least for me, I would leave the love of my life in a heart beat over it, so I think some men get blind sided with wives that think the same and promptly file for divorce. 

I guess I am one that if I am with the right woman, would feel proud with a wedding ring in a crowd of hot women and I would promptly lose all respect for a woman that would slay a married man. That is pretty classless IMO. 

As to paying for sex, WOW, I just don't understand it, but it has been going on forever. Some women are really good at making a man feel desired, and men just see a hot body that acts like she wants him. I have never and will never pay for sex. I remember being at a strip club with the guys one night and they bought me a lap dance thinking it was funny. I tried to play along but I told her to get off and I was not into it. I tend to just feel sorry for those women. Many have some hard life stories. 

But anyway, getting back to sex, at least for me, there is the simple act, then there is "everything else" that you just can't get from NSA IMO. I think some men are just shallow and don't need the "everything else". But I really think for many, sex probably means more than they say. I know for me, even if I knew I would not want a full on relationship, there still has to be an emotional connection and sex seems to just connect the dots.


----------



## notmyrealname4

.


----------



## uhtred

@notmyrealname4
I don't think we are so different. I could see casual sex being fun, but it doesn't have a strong appeal for me, and from what little experience I have that way, I tend to fall romantically for the other person. I find that romance without sex feels sort of empty - there is a strong sense that something is missing.


----------



## MichelleThoughts

I had casual sex once and really regretted it. Obviously that's why I didn't do it again. I felt like he and I were bonded afterwards because even though it was just a physical act, it felt like much more to me afterward. I felt really rejected because he didn't feel the same way but I felt like I only had myself to blame, as I had initiated the whole thing.

With my husband, we both enjoy it a lot but I don't need it the way he does. For me it's like a bonus that makes us feel closer. For him, if we start to have it less often he becomes really irritable. 

As a wife, I think it is important to respect that he is different and accomodate him because it is not his fault and I'm his only source of meeting his sexual needs. I think a lot of women these days look down on the male sex drive and I actually do feel quite sorry for the men that are married to them. I don't think husbands should have to sort of "earn" sex from their wives but it seems like a growing trend.

I also think that it's way easier for a wife to provide more sex than she is in the mood for than vice versa. I'm the one who is not in the mood as much but he's the one doing most of the work 😉

When I was pregnant my sex drive plummeted, especially with my second pregnancy. My husband was very patient with me about it. Just as I respect that his needs are different from mine in general, he didn't blame me for temporarily actually finding my desire down to zero, but the act of sex actually unpleasant. (Side note - when pregnant with my son I loved sex, so maybe the added testosterone explains that difference)


----------



## msrv23

IMO sex is about physical needs, validation plus emotional needs of feeling connected, loved and cared for. A rejection can hurt a lot because one might feel that their partners would not even care about how they feel. Then they might also feel unattractive too.

I suppose that it is more emotional than we think it is. But all the emphasis on the physical and how men are not supposed to be emotional masks this. But really it feels like there are similarities to women's emotional needs. We all want to feel connected and cared for.


----------



## 269370

JustTheWife said:


> I'm tormented because I've had a lot of what would normally be called "casual sex". But NO sex is casual for me. Everyone is different but for me no sex can ever be casual. For me it has a huge meaning. It creates a bond forever. Maybe it's different for men but for me, when a man goes inside me, it's like he becomes part of my soul. Or he takes part of my soul. It's an extremely powerful act.



It’s a powerful act FOR YOU; as in, that experience was powerful for you. Don’t confuse it with the fact that you have established some sort of deep connection with that person just because the act itself and the experience was a powerful and strong experience. There’s a big difference and I think you torment yourself too much for the wrong reasons.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Rob_1

We can rationalize sex in humans anyway we want until the fat lady sings; but the TRUTH is that it is nothing more than a biological imperative genetically imprinted on all of us. 

This genetic inprint is manifested in countless ways as there are humans, because each one of us is a unique set of genetic material. What changes the game is: each and everyone of us is affected by the level of sex hormones, our particular biofeedback in our brain, and the external pressures, such as nutrition, environment, cultural, moral repressions, etc.

We all fall into one or other of the sex patterns of the human genome that exist. This is why people around the world no knowing each other, and with no apparent relation seen to have the same characteristics as others in other parts of the world.
That's all.


----------



## JustTheWife

inmyprime said:


> It’s a powerful act FOR YOU; as in, that experience was powerful for you. Don’t confuse it with the fact that you have established some sort of deep connection with that person just because the act itself and the experience was a powerful and strong experience. There’s a big difference and I think you torment yourself too much for the wrong reasons.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Yes, it is a VERY powerful act for me. Sex is a powerful act between people. I don't think you can separate that. Anyway, that's how I feel. I do feel that it's a very strong bond with the guy. That's why so much "casual sex" messed me up. It's not casual at all. Through my faith i strongly feel that it does create a bond. Sex is to seal the marriage bond. So that's why it felt so "wrong" doing it with all of these strangers and other people who I had no other real connection with. I guess that made it more taboo and a way to rebel against my religion.


----------



## happiness27

sokillme said:


> How do you think men view sex? The good and the bad. What do you think sex is for a man, what does it provide for him. What are your feelings about that? Why do you think in general it is SO important for men? How did this make you feel about them and yourself?
> 
> Granted it is also from women, but the stereotype and i think at time truth is maybe not as much or as much for many women.
> 
> 
> The purpose is to create dialog on this topic as it is many times a source of contention.
> This one should be good.


I had no idea - nothing, nada - what a man's sex drive was until my husband told me and we had many discussions about it. I love my husband, he's the greatest human being I know on this planet. I was very grateful for him telling me about himself. 

That said, through the past three years, we have worked through a lot of discussions about sex and our individual attitudes of it. Yesterday, I asked him to update me about his attitudes towards sex. 

He said that he used to use sex more frequently as a side-step around feeling his feelings. If he was feeling angry...sex (masturbation)...If he was feeling ANYTHING especially negative or scary...masturbation or sex.

Since he has been working with a therapist recently (not about sex), he has had the epiphany between using sex as a sort of drug to feel better instead of just letting himself experience different uncomfortable feelings. He has concluded by working with the therapist, that if he has an uncomfortable feeling, that he will survive just fine if he just allows himself to feel that and not act on ways to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

He said he has stopped masturbating because he's become aware of how he was using it as a fix. He said what he wants is to have sex with ME and have a closeness. 

I was so surprised at this huge step he has taken to make connections within himself about his own sexual attitudes. Yes, we have great sex - but I can tell you that we have even GREATER sex now because he is much more engaged with connecting with me as a partner. It's just amazing. 

So, in this wandering post, I guess I'm saying that people have all kinds of reasons for having sex. *Sometimes* people have sex to just feel better but they don't look closely enough to see what it is they are using sex to run from - again - *sometimes* *some people*.

I've read somewhere in all my readings over the years that people probably misuse sex more than just about anything else to wreak havoc in their own lives and the lives of others. When a person really examines themselves and their motives, discoveries can be made here. And, in the case of our relationship, my God, the beautiful difference it has made for us to connect with each other in a genuine way through sex is just - WOW.


----------



## happiness27

JustTheWife said:


> Yes, it is a VERY powerful act for me. Sex is a powerful act between people. I don't think you can separate that. Anyway, that's how I feel. I do feel that it's a very strong bond with the guy. That's why so much "casual sex" messed me up. It's not casual at all. Through my faith i strongly feel that it does create a bond. Sex is to seal the marriage bond. So that's why it felt so "wrong" doing it with all of these strangers and other people who I had no other real connection with. I guess that made it more taboo and a way to rebel against my religion.


I SO hear you on this. I feel so stupid now for having to learn things the hard way. I have ZERO interest in any kind of playing the field or looking at other men, though. Been there, done that when I was single. I don't need any other convincing. I wish I could erase all that stupid stuff. I don't look back on it fondly. I'm not trying to carry around a bunch of shame, not that. But there was nothing there at all. Compare that to a trusting, loving, compassionate relationship and it's worlds apart. I am so lucky. I did nothing to deserve the relationship I have now. It was sheer grace of God.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with some of the other posters--it's really different for each man. He's a person, not a walking penis.


But there are commonalities, categories, with the "edges" customized per individual.

Much like shoppers.


----------



## sokillme

happiness27 said:


> I had no idea - nothing, nada - what a man's sex drive was until my husband told me and we had many discussions about it. I love my husband, he's the greatest human being I know on this planet. I was very grateful for him telling me about himself.
> 
> That said, through the past three years, we have worked through a lot of discussions about sex and our individual attitudes of it. Yesterday, I asked him to update me about his attitudes towards sex.
> 
> He said that he used to use sex more frequently as a side-step around feeling his feelings. If he was feeling angry...sex (masturbation)...If he was feeling ANYTHING especially negative or scary...masturbation or sex.
> 
> Since he has been working with a therapist recently (not about sex), he has had the epiphany between using sex as a sort of drug to feel better instead of just letting himself experience different uncomfortable feelings. He has concluded by working with the therapist, that if he has an uncomfortable feeling, that he will survive just fine if he just allows himself to feel that and not act on ways to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
> 
> He said he has stopped masturbating because he's become aware of how he was using it as a fix. He said what he wants is to have sex with ME and have a closeness.
> 
> I was so surprised at this huge step he has taken to make connections within himself about his own sexual attitudes. Yes, we have great sex - but I can tell you that we have even GREATER sex now because he is much more engaged with connecting with me as a partner. It's just amazing.
> 
> So, in this wandering post, I guess I'm saying that people have all kinds of reasons for having sex. *Sometimes* people have sex to just feel better but they don't look closely enough to see what it is they are using sex to run from - again - *sometimes* *some people*.
> 
> I've read somewhere in all my readings over the years that people probably misuse sex more than just about anything else to wreak havoc in their own lives and the lives of others. When a person really examines themselves and their motives, discoveries can be made here. And, in the case of our relationship, my God, the beautiful difference it has made for us to connect with each other in a genuine way through sex is just - WOW.


This is valuable insight. You have a good man there.


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## Dusk

I don't think it's nearly as monolithic as culture and the internet would have us believe


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