# My Story: End to the Fairy Tale



## TheDangler

Ill start from the beginning....

Me: 36yrs old
Her: 33 yrs old
Kids: 1 kid, just turned 1 years old

I graduated high school in 02 and joined the army. After a few years, I came back and went to college while finishing out my military contract.

We met in 2006 and it was love at first sight. I was in college and roommates with few guys and my high school best friend (we went to college together and still hang out to this day). One of the roommates had a girlfriend, and we were at a St. Paddys day party and she asked is she can bring a friend of hers. Enter my wife.

She was everything I could ever want. Beautiful (seriously, a 9), funny, outgoing. Fit me perfectly (I am considered the social butterfly of our group as I am outgoing and loud as well ahah).The first 12 years were a fairy tale (more on that later). I ended up deployed one more time to Iraq, she stayed home and managed everything. She did great. I knew this was the one. We end up getting engaged after I return, but the wedding keeps getting postponed due to random issues (I had an accident that left me bedridden for half a year, etc.) that just kept pushing the wedding back. I was out of the army, still hadn't finished school. We decided since fate kept stepping in, we would take our money we had saved for the wedding and use it to float us while I finished school, and we went ahead and had a courthouse wedding one afternoon. 

During this time, my best friend and I had grown apart. He was living the single bachelor life (he intends to do this forever), going out to 3 AM on a Wednesday, etc. He quit school and started working retail, so our schedules and lifestyles grew apart. I was working part time at night (she was working full time) and going to school double majoring in physics and electrical engineering. My friend and I still hang out and are good friends, but not what we once were due to the lifestyle changes.

This all happened around year 8. At this same time, I began working with a new girl who moved to our area, lets call her L. L and I instantly hit if off as friends. Made each other laugh and had a great time together. It wasnt long before we were like besties. I introduced her to my wife. They got along swimmingly. So much, I couldn't tell who was friends with who. They went to festivals together, and my wife even accompanied L to her home state to visit her parents one year. L used to call us both her besties. She always wanted our opinions on guys she was dating, everything. We were like the 3 musketeers, 4 every now and then she was dating someone. 

This went on for 4 years, best times of my life. L became part of our larger social circle, friends with everyone. Hell, she even started hanging out with my former bestie and was invited to all events, with or without us. Eventually (3 years into the 4 years), I graduated college and due to my senior project getting picked up by a company and winning a huge govt contract, I got a killer job that no way an entry level person should have been able to get. Life was perfect, good friends, great job, my wife and I grew up poor and with my new job all of that changes. I came out of college making close to 6 figures. Our life was looking great.

Then, at 12 years into the relationship, in 2018 it happened. My wife had been complaining of soreness, pain in joints, etc. She went to the doctor. They diagnosed her with rheumatoid arthritis. 

Now, I am not trying to make RA out like its easy. Its devestating, and terrible. I know its not fun. But I will say.....over 100,000 people are diagnosed with it every year. It is something that treatable (not curable), but it can be managed and lived with. Well, you may as well have told my wife that she had stage 4 terminal lung cancer and it was inoperable. I now look back at this day as the day my wife died. A different person came out of that office.

She shut down. No more funny, outgoing. Sit at home in severe depression. I tried to drag her out of it, I tried everything. I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks. People would call, or swing by, as us if we wanted to come over for grilling or beers, and she would just shut it down. I remember one Tuesday our friend (not L) was talking to us about her upcoming birthday BBQ on Saturday. This is a BBQ, not a marathon run. There would be chairs. My wife told her right then and there that she would probably be too sore and not up to going. ON TUESDAY SHE ALREADY HAD GIVEN UP ON SATURDAY. Thats the moment when I knew, she had given up. 

I have a few older friends that I worked with. One's wife has RA, has had it for 35 years. Had to have surgeries due to it. She gets around better than my wife.

This whole 6 weeks I am begging her to get out of her funk. Finally, one day a friend is having a BBQ and I get on my hands and knees with tears in my eyes and beg her to go. She refuses. The I stand, and let her know I was through with this and was going to start attending these events without her. She said fine. So I did.

This went on for a while, I would ask her to go to events, she would decline to sit at home and wallow. I would go myself. L was at most (if not all) of these events as well, since she was part of our friend group by this point. After a while, since we are besties and L lives down the street from me, we started riding together. I would pick her up or she would pick me up. Everytime, I would beg my wife to go, and she wouldn't.

Well, I guess the optics looked bad. I don't think any of our friends said anything, or if they did it was simply that L and I were hanging out a lot without her (I had not told anyone but L that my wife was refusing to go anywhere). Maybe no one said anything, and my wifes imagination got the best of her. Let me say this, every single interaction and conversation I ever had with L I would do again in front of my wife. We never crossed a single boundary. We aren't into each other like that.

She began having a problem with me and L going out. I told her that I had been beggin her to go and she wouldn't. THis arguing continued. One night, she followed me to the door as I was going out to be picked up by L to go the one of our friends place for a get together. She was arguing with me, refusing to go but wanted me to not go as well. I regret it, but I looked at her and said "I sat here for 6 weeks begging you to get up off the couch and out of your funk. I am not wasting another Friday night on you." She brings this up often now.

She starts dragging L into this. L doesn't want the drama, so she kinda backs off. We still hang out and talk, but she hangs back a bit. We go out, just not as much.

My marriage is still falling apart. Eventually, I tell her that this isn't working for me and perhaps we should separate in Sept 2018. She hits the floor begging and crying to work it out. This is where I messed up. I agreed, and for some reason seemed to give her my balls at that moment. She began dictating the terms of working it out, despite the fact I was the one wanting out. 

According to her, all our marriage problems are L's fault. She accepts no responsibility for her depression. By the way, throughout this time and til now, RA has become her trump card. Its her excuse for everything. I treated you like **** due to RA, my car is low on gas due to RA, etc. I was getting tired of hearing it.

She had it out with L over the phone, which resulted in L blocking her and removing my wife from all her social media. My wife was offended by this (see the pattern here, she can say/do what she wants to anyone, and if you retaliate at all you are in the wrong). The following week, we went to a mutual friends bday party. L was there. She came up and said hi to me (no hug or anything). She did not even acknowledge my wife. I expected this, and assumed my wife did as well. I thought when we were at these things they would just ignore each other. But apparantly, my wife believe that she can have it out with someone, demand they stay away from her and her husband (as L put it "she took away my best friend") yet still expected them to hug her and be cordial at events. My wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Since L did not hug or say hi to my wife, my wife demands we leave right there and then (we literally had just walked in the door). At this point, my wifes behavior is getting embarassing.

When we get home, she goes off and demands I remove L from my phone and never speak to her again. I thought it would be temporary

She demanded I remove L from my life and never speak to her again. I was thinking I could do this temporarily and get her out of her funk, and then maybe things will go back to normal (I was wrong). So I agreed, and never even said goodbye to my best friend of 4 years. I was trying to be a good husband and work on my marriage.

My wife didn't stop there. She went back to her not going anywhere funk, and I joined her. L is popular in our friend circle, and still is around them. Some of our friends became aware of my wifes treatment of L and now dont really hang or talk to me because the "don't know who my wife will turn on next." I was the social butterfly, at every event, phone rings constantly on the weekends with people wanting us to hang out (they loved my pre RA wife). Now, no one hangs out with us. I was in a group chat with my guy friends, found out 2 weeks ago they had for over a year now started another group text that excluded me. Before Covid-19, we had went out a total of 5 times in the previous year.

About a month after the blowout in late Oct 2018, I had a pre planned trip for me and my wife. A week long roadtrip. I figured this would be the point I could turn it around. We still had something, I mean the sex was still going strong and I figured we could work through the depression if I could get her to acknowledge it.

We had a good trip, I thought we were making progress. We get back and she is back to her same in a funk self. I still am not allowed to communicate with L, and have no social life. A few weeks after we get back from the trip, we find out she is pregnant. I am ecstatic, and stupidly believe that this could only help us get out of this funk. We have the baby. Mind you, she did not fix anything during the pregnancy. I have no friends or social life anymore. I literally celebrate the birth of my first child with her family and my mom. She had 2 girlfriends come by the hospital. I had no one but my mom. I guarantee if this had happend 2 years prior, we would have filled up the waiting room. I know L would have been there.

So, I guess you could say I felt stuck. New baby, wife still acting like a b****. She still isn't accepting responsibility for her depression and actions. Including the pregnancy, we have been living like this for 2 years. I feel like my life is passing me by. A time when I should on cloud 9, and Im bored, lonely, and getting depressed. I mean, I got THE JOB, high salary, great work schedule, we can travel, we finally made it. We worked so hard together for this and then she sh*ts the bed at the finish line. Makes me so mad.

Well, it appears nuking my social life isn't enough for her, now she has decided to nuke my sex life. About 2 weeks ago, she started refusing sex. At first it was because she was tired/sore (RA excuse), but then it was just because (she told me this). Even said that she could have had sex this past weekend with me, but just decided not to. I have tried to initiate every night of this 2 weeks. 

So, from my point of view she is doing this out of spite. I felt stuck, because if I leave I lose half the time with my son, no to mention he will not have any memories of his parents together (he just turned 1). But, eventually I say a half time happy dad is probably better than a full time unhappy dad. I told her I want a divorce.

This started the waterworks, and her justifying her actions. Give you three guesses what excuse she used? Thats right, "I quit putting out due to my RA, I need more time between to heal." I didn't bring up what she said about this past weekend, but instead said "well, its been 2 weeks now, how about now?" she replies "now that you mention divorce I am not having sex with you. Do what you want, but Im not having sex with you." 

I say "well, you destroyed my social life, Ill be damned if I let you destory more of my life. I want out, we are divorcing." She has been sad and mopey since (its been 2 days), but has not tried to stop the D train or anything. She does say "guess all I am worth to you is sex, since you are divorcing me over not having sex for 2 weeks." She refuses to acknowledge all the other stuff. To this I reply "No honey, you are much more than sex to me. But a house is much more than the bathroom, but you are not buying a house with no bathroom in it are you?"

Anyways, am I doing the right thing? Any advice? I hate this for my son, and I do love her. She has become a different person. Even her friends have distanced themselves from her.


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## Lostinthought61

Whether you are doing the right thing or not is ultimately up to you...in the end it is your life and your narrative not her's, but she is trying to interject your narrative by using the weapons she has within her control, namely your child, her behavior and her body. You can expect her to use both weapons for the foreseeable future (17 years for your child), joint custody, and x number of years in alimony to make you pay for her behavior. Remember in her mind the problem is you and will always be you, she is the victim and nothing you say will change that.


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## Blondilocks

It looks like your wife got tired of your girlfriend.


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## TheDangler

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like your wife got tired of your girlfriend.


I think you missed the part where no boundaries were crossed, ever. Also the part where L has not been involved for 2 years now (neither of us have spoke to her) yet the attitude and problems persist.


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## bobert

TheDangler said:


> She had it out with L over the phone, which resulted in L blocking her and removing my wife from all her social media. My wife was offended by this (see the pattern here, she can say/do what she wants to anyone, and if you retaliate at all you are in the wrong). The following week, we went to a mutual friends bday party. L was there. She came up and said hi to me (no hug or anything). She did not even acknowledge my wife. I expected this, and assumed my wife did as well. I thought when we were at these things they would just ignore each other. But apparantly, my wife believe that she can have it out with someone, demand they stay away from her and her husband (as L put it "she took away my best friend") yet still expected them to hug her and be cordial at events. My wife wants to have her cake and eat it too.


Just an FYI, you wrote L's name about halfway down your post in this paragraph. You can edit it out.


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## TheDangler

thx


bobert said:


> Just an FYI, you wrote L's name about halfway down your post in this paragraph. You can edit it out.


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## Divinely Favored

Some people just want everyone else to be as miserable as them. Misery loves company. How dare you not be as miserable as ahe is. She is trying to drag you down.


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## Dadto2

Biggest takeaway for me is you let another woman come between you and your wife, whether it was platonic or not. If the roles were reversed and your wife had a guy friend like that, you would have your suspicions as well. I’ve always heard adults should shy away from having close friends of the opposite sex. Just presents too many problems. 

Also, I’ve had RA for 25 years. Gone are the days when it ruined your life due to available meds. Your wife is definitely using that as an excuse.


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## gold5932

Get out while you can. Get a good lawyer and get moving. Better to show your son how to be happy as you said, then to teach how to be miserable. It will be expensive but trust me it's so worth it.


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## manfromlamancha

I have RA and let me tell you that when you first are diagnosed with it, it has already been going on for a while. The pain can be debilitating and some people are better at handling pain than others. I also felt a litlle bit like my life was over - I went from being an active sportsman to someone who found it hard to play with kids. What she needed at this point (and still probably does) was your complete empathy, support and understanding - definitely not a female best friend (which is beginning to look more and more like an emotional affair) - no matter how much you try and convince us that L is great and that your wife was once really good friends with her.

So as someone mentioned she definitely does not like you having and spending a lot of time with your girlfriend (and understandably so). Drop L like a hot brick immediately (and by the way, L should be telling you this too if she really is a friend of your marriage). And then either go and pay better attention to your wife OR choose to divorce her (and in so doing, effectively abandon her in sickness - she was fine for you in health).


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## SunCMars

manfromlamancha said:


> Pay better attention to your wife OR choose to divorce her (and in so doing,* effectively* *abandon her in sickness - she was fine for you in health*).


This is a common thing. 
Just, up and run from your problems...


It is easier to excuse an abandonment when it is your spouses mental health, less easy when it is their physical affliction.

This illness, RA, is not one that you can unconditionally 'fix'. 
At least, not yet.

It will see a cure if Mankind does not, beforehand, finally kill itself off.


_SCM-_


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## TheDangler

manfromlamancha said:


> I have RA and let me tell you that when you first are diagnosed with it, it has already been going on for a while. The pain can be debilitating and some people are better at handling pain than others. I also felt a litlle bit like my life was over - I went from being an active sportsman to someone who found it hard to play with kids. What she needed at this point (and still probably does) was your complete empathy, support and understanding - definitely not a female best friend (which is beginning to look more and more like an emotional affair) - no matter how much you try and convince us that L is great and that your wife was once really good friends with her.
> 
> So as someone mentioned she definitely does not like you having and spending a lot of time with your girlfriend (and understandably so). Drop L like a hot brick immediately (and by the way, L should be telling you this too if she really is a friend of your marriage). And then either go and pay better attention to your wife OR choose to divorce her (and in so doing, effectively abandon her in sickness - she was fine for you in health).


Reading comprehension doesnt seem to be taught nowadays. I will say this AGAIN, L has been out of the picture for 2 years. Not one single text, spoken word, or anything has passed between L and I, or L and the wife for literally 2 years now (well, 2 years oct 2020). L is not in the picture anymore, but the problems have not went anywhere. Thus, my logical conclusion that L was not the source or cause. 

Also, once L was made aware of our issue and my wifes issue with her she did back off.


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## TheDangler

Wow, accused of abandonment now. Maybe I was wrong, her behavior is justified,and I should just continue in my current dead bedroom no social life bad attitude wife marriage. Thanks guys.


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## BluesPower

TheDangler said:


> Ill start from the beginning....
> 
> Me: 36yrs old
> Her: 33 yrs old
> Kids: 1 kid, just turned 1 years old
> 
> I graduated high school in 02 and joined the army. After a few years, I came back and went to college while finishing out my military contract.
> 
> We met in 2006 and it was love at first sight. I was in college and roommates with few guys and my high school best friend (we went to college together and still hang out to this day). One of the roommates had a girlfriend, and we were at a St. Paddys day party and she asked is she can bring a friend of hers. Enter my wife.
> 
> She was everything I could ever want. Beautiful (seriously, a 9), funny, outgoing. Fit me perfectly (I am considered the social butterfly of our group as I am outgoing and loud as well ahah).The first 12 years were a fairy tale (more on that later). I ended up deployed one more time to Iraq, she stayed home and managed everything. She did great. I knew this was the one. We end up getting engaged after I return, but the wedding keeps getting postponed due to random issues (I had an accident that left me bedridden for half a year, etc.) that just kept pushing the wedding back. I was out of the army, still hadn't finished school. We decided since fate kept stepping in, we would take our money we had saved for the wedding and use it to float us while I finished school, and we went ahead and had a courthouse wedding one afternoon.
> 
> During this time, my best friend and I had grown apart. He was living the single bachelor life (he intends to do this forever), going out to 3 AM on a Wednesday, etc. He quit school and started working retail, so our schedules and lifestyles grew apart. I was working part time at night (she was working full time) and going to school double majoring in physics and electrical engineering. My friend and I still hang out and are good friends, but not what we once were due to the lifestyle changes.
> 
> This all happened around year 8. At this same time, I began working with a new girl who moved to our area, lets call her L. L and I instantly hit if off as friends. Made each other laugh and had a great time together. It wasnt long before we were like besties. I introduced her to my wife. They got along swimmingly. So much, I couldn't tell who was friends with who. They went to festivals together, and my wife even accompanied L to her home state to visit her parents one year. L used to call us both her besties. She always wanted our opinions on guys she was dating, everything. We were like the 3 musketeers, 4 every now and then she was dating someone.
> 
> This went on for 4 years, best times of my life. L became part of our larger social circle, friends with everyone. Hell, she even started hanging out with my former bestie and was invited to all events, with or without us. Eventually (3 years into the 4 years), I graduated college and due to my senior project getting picked up by a company and winning a huge govt contract, I got a killer job that no way an entry level person should have been able to get. Life was perfect, good friends, great job, my wife and I grew up poor and with my new job all of that changes. I came out of college making close to 6 figures. Our life was looking great.
> 
> Then, at 12 years into the relationship, in 2018 it happened. My wife had been complaining of soreness, pain in joints, etc. She went to the doctor. They diagnosed her with rheumatoid arthritis.
> 
> Now, I am not trying to make RA out like its easy. Its devestating, and terrible. I know its not fun. But I will say.....over 100,000 people are diagnosed with it every year. It is something that treatable (not curable), but it can be managed and lived with. Well, you may as well have told my wife that she had stage 4 terminal lung cancer and it was inoperable. I now look back at this day as the day my wife died. A different person came out of that office.
> 
> She shut down. No more funny, outgoing. Sit at home in severe depression. I tried to drag her out of it, I tried everything. I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks. People would call, or swing by, as us if we wanted to come over for grilling or beers, and she would just shut it down. I remember one Tuesday our friend (not L) was talking to us about her upcoming birthday BBQ on Saturday. This is a BBQ, not a marathon run. There would be chairs. My wife told her right then and there that she would probably be too sore and not up to going. ON TUESDAY SHE ALREADY HAD GIVEN UP ON SATURDAY. Thats the moment when I knew, she had given up.
> 
> I have a few older friends that I worked with. One's wife has RA, has had it for 35 years. Had to have surgeries due to it. She gets around better than my wife.
> 
> This whole 6 weeks I am begging her to get out of her funk. Finally, one day a friend is having a BBQ and I get on my hands and knees with tears in my eyes and beg her to go. She refuses. The I stand, and let her know I was through with this and was going to start attending these events without her. She said fine. So I did.
> 
> This went on for a while, I would ask her to go to events, she would decline to sit at home and wallow. I would go myself. L was at most (if not all) of these events as well, since she was part of our friend group by this point. After a while, since we are besties and L lives down the street from me, we started riding together. I would pick her up or she would pick me up. Everytime, I would beg my wife to go, and she wouldn't.
> 
> Well, I guess the optics looked bad. I don't think any of our friends said anything, or if they did it was simply that L and I were hanging out a lot without her (I had not told anyone but L that my wife was refusing to go anywhere). Maybe no one said anything, and my wifes imagination got the best of her. Let me say this, every single interaction and conversation I ever had with L I would do again in front of my wife. We never crossed a single boundary. We aren't into each other like that.
> 
> She began having a problem with me and L going out. I told her that I had been beggin her to go and she wouldn't. THis arguing continued. One night, she followed me to the door as I was going out to be picked up by L to go the one of our friends place for a get together. She was arguing with me, refusing to go but wanted me to not go as well. I regret it, but I looked at her and said "I sat here for 6 weeks begging you to get up off the couch and out of your funk. I am not wasting another Friday night on you." She brings this up often now.
> 
> She starts dragging L into this. L doesn't want the drama, so she kinda backs off. We still hang out and talk, but she hangs back a bit. We go out, just not as much.
> 
> My marriage is still falling apart. Eventually, I tell her that this isn't working for me and perhaps we should separate in Sept 2018. She hits the floor begging and crying to work it out. This is where I messed up. I agreed, and for some reason seemed to give her my balls at that moment. She began dictating the terms of working it out, despite the fact I was the one wanting out.
> 
> According to her, all our marriage problems are L's fault. She accepts no responsibility for her depression. By the way, throughout this time and til now, RA has become her trump card. Its her excuse for everything. I treated you like **** due to RA, my car is low on gas due to RA, etc. I was getting tired of hearing it.
> 
> She had it out with L over the phone, which resulted in L blocking her and removing my wife from all her social media. My wife was offended by this (see the pattern here, she can say/do what she wants to anyone, and if you retaliate at all you are in the wrong). The following week, we went to a mutual friends bday party. L was there. She came up and said hi to me (no hug or anything). She did not even acknowledge my wife. I expected this, and assumed my wife did as well. I thought when we were at these things they would just ignore each other. But apparantly, my wife believe that she can have it out with someone, demand they stay away from her and her husband (as L put it "she took away my best friend") yet still expected them to hug her and be cordial at events. My wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Since L did not hug or say hi to my wife, my wife demands we leave right there and then (we literally had just walked in the door). At this point, my wifes behavior is getting embarassing.
> 
> When we get home, she goes off and demands I remove L from my phone and never speak to her again. I thought it would be temporary
> 
> She demanded I remove L from my life and never speak to her again. I was thinking I could do this temporarily and get her out of her funk, and then maybe things will go back to normal (I was wrong). So I agreed, and never even said goodbye to my best friend of 4 years. I was trying to be a good husband and work on my marriage.
> 
> My wife didn't stop there. She went back to her not going anywhere funk, and I joined her. L is popular in our friend circle, and still is around them. Some of our friends became aware of my wifes treatment of L and now dont really hang or talk to me because the "don't know who my wife will turn on next." I was the social butterfly, at every event, phone rings constantly on the weekends with people wanting us to hang out (they loved my pre RA wife). Now, no one hangs out with us. I was in a group chat with my guy friends, found out 2 weeks ago they had for over a year now started another group text that excluded me. Before Covid-19, we had went out a total of 5 times in the previous year.
> 
> About a month after the blowout in late Oct 2018, I had a pre planned trip for me and my wife. A week long roadtrip. I figured this would be the point I could turn it around. We still had something, I mean the sex was still going strong and I figured we could work through the depression if I could get her to acknowledge it.
> 
> We had a good trip, I thought we were making progress. We get back and she is back to her same in a funk self. I still am not allowed to communicate with L, and have no social life. A few weeks after we get back from the trip, we find out she is pregnant. I am ecstatic, and stupidly believe that this could only help us get out of this funk. We have the baby. Mind you, she did not fix anything during the pregnancy. I have no friends or social life anymore. I literally celebrate the birth of my first child with her family and my mom. She had 2 girlfriends come by the hospital. I had no one but my mom. I guarantee if this had happend 2 years prior, we would have filled up the waiting room. I know L would have been there.
> 
> So, I guess you could say I felt stuck. New baby, wife still acting like a b****. She still isn't accepting responsibility for her depression and actions. Including the pregnancy, we have been living like this for 2 years. I feel like my life is passing me by. A time when I should on cloud 9, and Im bored, lonely, and getting depressed. I mean, I got THE JOB, high salary, great work schedule, we can travel, we finally made it. We worked so hard together for this and then she sh*ts the bed at the finish line. Makes me so mad.
> 
> Well, it appears nuking my social life isn't enough for her, now she has decided to nuke my sex life. About 2 weeks ago, she started refusing sex. At first it was because she was tired/sore (RA excuse), but then it was just because (she told me this). Even said that she could have had sex this past weekend with me, but just decided not to. I have tried to initiate every night of this 2 weeks.
> 
> So, from my point of view she is doing this out of spite. I felt stuck, because if I leave I lose half the time with my son, no to mention he will not have any memories of his parents together (he just turned 1). But, eventually I say a half time happy dad is probably better than a full time unhappy dad. I told her I want a divorce.
> 
> This started the waterworks, and her justifying her actions. Give you three guesses what excuse she used? Thats right, "I quit putting out due to my RA, I need more time between to heal." I didn't bring up what she said about this past weekend, but instead said "well, its been 2 weeks now, how about now?" she replies "now that you mention divorce I am not having sex with you. Do what you want, but Im not having sex with you."
> 
> I say "well, you destroyed my social life, Ill be damned if I let you destory more of my life. I want out, we are divorcing." She has been sad and mopey since (its been 2 days), but has not tried to stop the D train or anything. She does say "guess all I am worth to you is sex, since you are divorcing me over not having sex for 2 weeks." She refuses to acknowledge all the other stuff. To this I reply "No honey, you are much more than sex to me. But a house is much more than the bathroom, but you are not buying a house with no bathroom in it are you?"
> 
> Anyways, am I doing the right thing? Any advice? I hate this for my son, and I do love her. She has become a different person. Even her friends have distanced themselves from her.


Well I hope she gave you your balls back, you may need them later. 

I guess you know that you actually did every single thing wrong that you could possibly do, IF you wanted to save your marriage. 

I don't want to beat you up about that. 

Here is the deal, if you had handled things better, with your balls attached, it might have made a difference, and then again it may not have. 

I believe your wife had issues that went out of control when she got the RA diagnosis. 

Who is to say that if she did not have RA, that this may have come out anyway??? You will never know. 

So you are where you are. It is time to do the right thing for you and your child, and file for divorce. 

I really don't think she is capable of fixing her MENTAL issues, whatever they are. If you want to try that some more then go ahead and see what happens. At this point I don't think it will matter...


----------



## Blondilocks

You're a social butterfly. If your social life is more important to you than a family life, then hit the road. You'll be free to reclaim your social circle and hook up with the female bestest friend ever who latched onto a married man like a tick, insinuated herself into your life and took over your social circle.

Or, you could invest that energy you used to expend on your social life in your marriage and build a marriage that you would find satisfying and fulfilling.


----------



## Mylehigh

You wrote out quite an epic story. Yet you will see that just like in 'real life,' people on marriage forums generally see other people's situations through their own filters. It seems to me that it is too early to bail. Try some marriage counseling. Get a good one and stick with it for a while. If your wife comes back to her old self and kicks the depression (perhaps needs some meds for the depression), you could be happy again. And your child will benefit.


----------



## Not

6 weeks? Is it just me or does anyone else see how horrible this part is? RA is a life altering diagnosis I'm sure and she was expected to pull out of her funk in six weeks? This may be the snowflake that got this giant snowball to rolling and gaining speed, everything else went to hell in a hand basket at that point.


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> 6 weeks? Is it just me or does anyone else see how horrible this part is? RA is a life altering diagnosis I'm sure and she was expected to pull out of her funk in six weeks? This may be the snowflake that got this giant snowball to rolling and gaining speed, everything else went to hell in a hand basket at that point.


But, L was waiting for him to go party. He couldn't disappoint L. Yeah, empathy and compassion are lacking.


----------



## TheDangler

Blondilocks said:


> You're a social butterfly. If your social life is more important to you than a family life, then hit the road. You'll be free to reclaim your social circle and hook up with the female bestest friend ever who latched onto a married man like a tick, insinuated herself into your life and took over your social circle.
> 
> Or, you could invest that energy you used to expend on your social life in your marriage and build a marriage that you would find satisfying and fulfilling.


Social life was not more important than her or my family. It was nice to have them hand in hand. The point is, it seems to come out of nowhere that she nuked not just her social life, but her own too. Her own friends dont want to be around her anymore.

As far as the bestest friend ever, I only mentioned her because she seems to be my wifes scapegoat despite the fact that in my opinion she is innocent. Shes long gone. You seem to be more focused on her than I am.

So...no words about her change in attitude, to the point her own friends dont wanna be around her. No words on her cutting me off seemingly out of spite. Me thinks u be a man hater.


----------



## TheDangler

Not said:


> 6 weeks? Is it just me or does anyone else see how horrible this part is? RA is a life altering diagnosis I'm sure and she was expected to pull out of her funk in six weeks? This may be the snowflake that got this giant snowball to rolling and gaining speed, everything else went to hell in a hand basket at that point.


I wasnt asking her to cure herself. But at some point, you have to get up off the floor. Its RA, not terminal cancer. I know all about it and the treatments. Like I said, I know several people with it, my wife is handling it the worst of all of them. 

All I was asking in those 6 weeks was to get out of the house. And it wasnt 3am parties, we are talkin afternoom bbqs. We are mid 30s, not 22.


----------



## bobert

TheDangler said:


> I should just continue in my current dead bedroom


It's been two weeks... That's not really enough time to say your in a sexless marriage.


----------



## bobert

Half the post was about L... Do you not see why that's suspicious? I understand you were trying to explain how your wife feels about L, but that could have been summed up in 2-3 sentences. You mentioned "L" at least 31 times in your original post...

I understand L is no longer in the picture, but if your wife thought the friendship was inappropriate or an affair, then just cutting L out will not work. That needs to be properly dealt with, not dismissed or by telling her she is wrong. 

Maybe she is just lazy and doesn't care about her physical and mental health enough to do something about it. Maybe she gave up because of things that happened in the marriage. Only she knows. If she would be on board with marriage counseling it may help. Or maybe, like you, she's just done at this point.


----------



## Imagirl

You can't beg someone out of their funk. She was hit hard with a life altering diagnosis. Maybe you would have dealt with it differently had it been you but it clearly knocked her off her feet. This is where a hell of a lot of compassion and patience would've been key. I'm not doubting your patience since you've stuck it out this long. Maybe the beginning wasn't the time to try to get her to live her normal life. Maybe it was a time to cuddle with her, watch movies, gently reassure her, give her little things to smile about. Plan sweet dinners in instead of going out, bringing her flowers, repeating over and over that she's not going through this alone. Maybe she needed you to lift her up when she was too weak to lift herself. Not by resuming a normal life, but by retreating to a safe place (you) without expectations. I am not ever a fan of opposite sex friendships on a marriage, there is always a risk there IMO. Maybe it worked for you guys while the three of you were all involved, but once you started leaving the house repeatedly to be with L while she stayed home depressed... That's never going to work. I'm guessing her heart is pretty bruised right now and it'll take a lot of work from both of you to resume normal. Better it worse, sickness or health. You knew with the new job and the great friends that challenging times would certainly come, right?


----------



## TheDangler

bobert said:


> Half the post was about L... Do you not see why that's suspicious? I understand you were trying to explain how your wife feels about L, but that could have been summed up in 2-3 sentences. You mentioned "L" at least 31 times in your original post...
> 
> I understand L is no longer in the picture, but if your wife thought the friendship was inappropriate or an affair, then just cutting L out will not work. That needs to be properly dealt with, not dismissed or by telling her she is wrong.
> 
> Maybe she is just lazy and doesn't care about her physical and mental health enough to do something about it. Maybe she gave up because of things that happened in the marriage. Only she knows. If she would be on board with marriage counseling it may help. Or maybe, like you, she's just done at this point.


Half the post was about L cuz thats where she puts the blame. Plus, I was tryin to give a full picture. Trust me, she is long gone. 

I dont want to divorce, I love my wife. The problem is, thats not my wife. Its like bodysnatchers or something. The diagnosis changed her. I have been here this long trying to get her back.


----------



## TheDangler

Imagirl said:


> You can't beat someone out of their funk. She was hit hard with a life alerting diagnosis. Maybe you would have dealt with it differently had it been you but it clearly knocked her off her feet. This is where a hell of a lot of compassion and patience would've been key. I'm not doubting your patience since you've stuck it out this long. Maybe the beginning wasn't the time to try to get her to live her normal life. Maybe it was a time to cuddle with her, watch movies, gently reassure her, give her little things to smile about. Plan sweet dinners in instead of going out, bringing her flowers, repeating over and over that she's not going through this alone. Maybe she needed you to lift her up when she was to weak to lift herself. Not by resuming a normal life, but by retreating to a safe place (you) without expectations. I am not ever a fan of opposite sex friendships on a marriage, there is always a total there IMO. Maybe it worked for you guys while the three of you were all involved, but once you started leaving the house repeatedly to be with L while she stayed home depressed... That's never going to work. I'm guessing her heart is pretty bruised right now and it'll take a lot of work from both of you to resume normal. Better it worse, sickness or health. You knew with the new job and the great friends that challenging times would certainly come, right?


I thought I had already had my fair share. Grew up poor as hell, graduated 3rd in class got into dream school but not enough to pay for it all, so I joined Army. Went to war 3 times. Came back, worked part time while getting 2 degrees. 

Ive had challenging times, was hoping to relax in the winners circle for a bit. 

Will admit, my cant be beat attitude and ambition result in a lacknof empathy and compassion for those that lay down and quit. This has not served me well in this situation.


----------



## Blondilocks

TheDangler said:


> I thought I had already had my fair share. Grew up poor as hell, graduated 3rd in class got into dream school but not enough to pay for it all, *so I joined Army. *Went to war 3 times. Came back, worked part time while getting 2 degrees.
> 
> Ive had challenging times, was hoping to relax in the winners circle for a bit.
> 
> Will admit, my cant be beat attitude and ambition result in a lacknof empathy and compassion for those that lay down and quit. This has not served me well in this situation.


You can use the help of a former Army Sergeant.

@Emerging Buddhist, do you have the time to help this young man?


----------



## bobert

TheDangler said:


> Half the post was about L cuz thats where she puts the blame.


If that is where your wife puts the blame, what have you done to fix that?

I trust you that she's long gone. That's not the point. The point is your wife had (has) a problem with the friendship and that needs to be dealt with properly if you want to stay together. It really doesn't matter what YOU think about the (ex)friendship... If your wife has lingering issues there they NEED to be resolved. That doesn't happen by telling her she was wrong.

You could probably benefit from reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I understand nothing happened with L, but it's a good book to read regardless.


----------



## Rob_1

I'm with the OP here. The wife gave up immediately, and to this day she still wants to drag him down with her. Too many people here are showing their biases by being fixated on "L".
OP: just give it a little more time. If after a determine period of time she doesn't want to get on the living bandwagon, make your decision. You don't have to give up on living just because she did.


----------



## pastasauce79

I'm married to someone diagnosed with a very painful condition. He lives in pain every day 6 months out of the year. He's been in pain since March.

My husband got diagnosed 11 years ago. He's been depressed from the pain. He has given up while in pain. There's no cure or true medication that has worked for him.

I've been by his side all this time. 

The difference between your marriage and mine is my husband is not giving up. He's tried every medication his neurologists has prescribed. He has switch neurologists numerous times. He has tried alternative medicine. 

I believe your wife's reaction to the diagnosis was a little extreme. Has she gotten any counseling? Is she taking any meds for her depression?

She really needs help getting her thoughts together. 

I would say try to go to marriage counseling and make her go to counseling by herself as a last resort before you pull the plug. 

It's hard to live with someone in pain. I feel bad for you because I've been there. Try to talk to her into getting some help, if she refuses it, then you can move on.


----------



## Divinely Favored

She has isolated herself and wants to isolate OP and make him suffer with her. She is mad he is not as distraught as him so she seems to be doing her best.

There are those that cry foul on OP but if some woman complained their guy had a mental illness/depression and quit functioning and tried iaolating themselves and wife...some of those same women would tell her to bail...he aint gonna change...he dont care about you or your marriage. 

There are big double standards sometimes.


----------



## VladDracul

TheDangler said:


> Social life was not more important than her or my family. It was nice to have them hand in hand. The point is, it seems to come out of nowhere that she nuked not just her social life, but her own too. Her own friends dont want to be around her anymore.
> 
> As far as the bestest friend ever, I only mentioned her because she seems to be my wifes scapegoat despite the fact that in my opinion she is innocent. Shes long gone. You seem to be more focused on her than I am.


Dawg, you were talking about being a social butterfly a few sentences in. Most of your post was complaining about her fettering your social life and how "L' was filling in the void until your wife screwed that up to. I didn't read much about what your wife was missing out on while you were laid up your azz because of the accident. But hey, I understand about L being long gone. I have some "Ls" that are long gone to I want to dedicate this song to. I'm sure you know what I mean.


----------



## DTO

manfromlamancha said:


> ...OR choose to divorce her (and in so doing, effectively abandon her in sickness - she was fine for you in health).


This is grossly unfair to the OP. Clearly, the problem is not the RA so much as she's using it as an excuse to treat him badly. He does not intend to let himself become her whipping boy, nor should he.

I am just a couple of months out of major surgery and six months of chemotherapy. Never once did I lash out at someone over my health issues or crawl into a hole and cease to function. I make a choice every day to be productive in my life and good to the people around me. The OPs wife can do the same.


----------



## Spicy

People handle negative medical news so drastically differently. It’s truly impossible to compare one persons reaction to another. She took it very hard. She is learning to live with the changes and treatments now. Hopefully she will have great success and things can get back to a more normal state. This will take time and patience on both of their parts.

A young, beautiful wife, of a successful, social butterfly husband, getting hit with RA, was obviously very difficult for her. Perhaps this is why we vow to each other “in sickness and in health“. The vow isn’t “in sickness and in health, unless the spouses illness changes our sex life or social life.” So either those vows mean something to you or they don’t. 

OP- my opinion is this. You need to absolutely work harder at this marriage. I would not give up on it and your wife this quickly. 

I know nothing about counseling, but man, this sounds like a situation to try it out in! It doesn’t seem like it could hurt!

Make sure she goes to her doctor and is very honest at how depressed she is over all of this, and get her the proper meds, even if she only needs them temporarily. 

Reduce the times you go out alone, drastically. Do things she is willing and able to do instead. No more best friends with other women. Just...for a million reasons...no.

Stop feeling quite so sorry for yourself. This is a time you need to be generous to her needs. 

Continue to be there for your wife and the mother of your child. I would absolutely not give up on this yet. If you still are in love with her, this marriage can be saved.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

TheDangler said:


> I thought I had already had my fair share. Grew up poor as hell, graduated 3rd in class got into dream school but not enough to pay for it all, so I joined Army. Went to war 3 times. Came back, worked part time while getting 2 degrees.
> 
> Ive had challenging times, was hoping to relax in the winners circle for a bit.
> 
> Will admit, my cant be beat attitude and ambition result in a lacknof empathy and compassion for those that lay down and quit. This has not served me well in this situation.


You say in the post above you love your wife, yet in your opening post you sure sound like you think little of her as she trusted you to be openly scared and weak and to not only be belittled, but replaced in her eyes.

I have had several friends in the past that were told they had cancer and the first few days to weeks of support made the difference in their marriage, one was intimate and close as they talked about it in the present and cried together... a lot, the other was "well, that sucks but we'll beat it so what are we doing next week I hope chemo doesn't blow our vacation".

One is still married.

Goodness... did you really call her a "B"-word here?

One of my most closely held beliefs comes from Miyamoto Musashi and he said “Truth is not what you want it to be; it is what it is, and you must bend to its power or live a lie.”

All I know are your words here, but from your words one might say that you have come to look down on your wife and the way she struggles to come to terms with this new suffering in her life. She was already competing with L, if you really think otherwise you may be more blinded than you wish to admit to.

A different person did come out of that office, a person that learned there are many hard days ahead... she isn't a soldier whom you tell to "suck it up and drive on", she is your wife who looked to you for compassion as she struggled to think about how she will fit in with this future and she is scared.

Compassion doesn't compare who handles their illness better, yes many do work through it but many also have misery in it and your wife has listened well to you as you compare her to people who also suffer... her own mental health in it was probably tough enough but I am sure her being compared as lesser has knocked her down even harder.

The language of hard charging didn't motivate her the way you expected, what was the next step? After 6 weeks was it give up on her and cast her aside because she was in the way of your outside activities? Wow, that sounds harsh... is it truth?

Like boundaries, optics are always perceived differently looking out so are you sure of such innocence? If nothing else it was emotional, you and L had something intimate you and your wife did not, after all... you earned and deserved it, right?

Your anger at your wife's hurt has clouded your ability to see the truth... difficult times are meant to allow us to challenge and lessen our arrogance. You have no control over this, humility will allow you to understand not all battles can be fought with a hard charging approach, sometimes you have to put aside the anger and frustration and just buffer the whole damn thing with kindness that is not on your terms.

It's not weak... never mistake it for that because training your mind in such in the beginning will exhaust you as you learn your emotions have more power than believed, managed with new energy.

Your marriage is coming to a close by your own words... marital leadership is not all piss and vinegar winner's circle, it is the kindness of knowing you can be both strong and gentle in words and actions that truly close the loop and build something better.

Does the blade of ambition and desire come with its own tourniquet?

Love yourself a healthy way... see the truth of where you are and why.


----------



## Casual Observer

If there’s a recurring theme I’m picking up, on TAM and with my own wife, it’s that depression is an opportunistic beast, lurking in the background, waiting for a newly-diagnosed medical condition to leverage someone into a downward spiral that is really difficult to pull out of.

meaning that I doubt it was “just” OP’s wife’s RA that changed her personality. Just as it’s not my wife’s three bouts of breast cancer that caused her depression. I’ve seen first-hand how therapists can give way too much power to a disease and ignore or pay little attention to behaviors indicative of depression that preceded the illness.

If one allows RA or breast cancer to define them, well, perhaps they did allow that to happen. Perhaps not a conscious choice but it was a choice, not a destiny. One that OP may believe relieves him of responsibility for his failing marriage. 

So OPs desire to blame the RA may be misplaced and an easy way to avoid dealing with relationship issues and failures which he is accountable for too, not just his wife.


----------



## manfromlamancha

You are still defending L's nobility etc. But most of all, you are most concerned about ...... YOU! "What about me? What about my dead bedroom? It was only a mild party I wanted to go to not an all night raver!" etc etc

Again - focus on the needs of your wife and things will work out. Else, divorce and run for the hills.


----------



## manfromlamancha

DTO said:


> This is grossly unfair to the OP. Clearly, the problem is not the RA so much as she's using it as an excuse to treat him badly. He does not intend to let himself become her whipping boy, nor should he.
> 
> I am just a couple of months out of major surgery and six months of chemotherapy. Never once did I lash out at someone over my health issues or crawl into a hole and cease to function. I make a choice every day to be productive in my life and good to the people around me. The OPs wife can do the same.


You cannot compare how different people handle illnesses or expect them all to handle it in the way you did (I am glad for you that you coped well). It wasn't just the RA I spoke about, it was more to do with his lack of empathy and introducing a "really good and noble female friend into the mix" and then getting annoyed when he was told he was spending too much time with her and his wife wasn't happy about it.


----------



## heartsbeating

TheDangler said:


> She has become a different person. Even her friends have distanced themselves from her.


Life isn't a fairy tale... people get knocked down and depressed. I felt saddened for your wife in this. I wonder how much sincere friendship she was shown as she was going through this. Get-togethers in the face of depression would be the last thing she'd want to do. Did any of those friends extend support her way? What support was provided to her through the medical profession to deal with this. Because it's not just the RA - it's the coinciding depression. 

I understand how frustrating depression can be - when you want the person back to their typical selves and they're not bouncing back. Sure, there may be things your wife can do for herself in terms of seeking support. This has changed her. The question is whether you can adapt and be by her side through this. It doesn't sound like it. And, that is sad for your wife. You haven't expressed what she has needed - simply what you have needed (being social and her being her former self).


----------



## heartsbeating

TheDangler said:


> So, I guess you could say I felt stuck. New baby, wife still acting like a b****.


My blood boiled a little reading this.

You wrote a couple of times that you felt stuck. Okay, then un-stick yourself.

Go be a social butterfly again (and end the relationship if that's where you're at). Your wife will emerge from her cocoon when she's ready - with or without you.

If there's any chance that you're hovering though; then counseling could be an option if you're both open to it (as suggested by 'Spicy'). You have expressed of your resilience in other scenarios. Do you have the resilience (with empathy) to switch up your mindset and back towards your wife? There's a saying that it takes a strong back to have a soft front.


----------



## Divinely Favored

manfromlamancha said:


> You cannot compare how different people handle illnesses or expect them all to handle it in the way you did (I am glad for you that you coped well). It wasn't just the RA I spoke about, it was more to do with his lack of empathy and introducing a "really good and noble female friend into the mix" and then getting annoyed when he was told he was spending too much time with her and his wife wasn't happy about it.


The friend was besties of both he and wife for over 4 yrs before the RA diagnosis. She was just POed that he was not as distraught as she was and was on a mission to see he becomes that with her. She wants someone to wallow in her pitty with her. Other things did not work so now she takes physical intimacy off the table too to hurt him more.


----------



## Not

I'd love to hear the wife's perspective on all this. I'm sorry but OP you sound like a selfish my way or the highway type. You put limits on everything about her situation. You limited the length of time for her to recover from her funk, you minimized her condition and used it as a weapon to put her down so you limited how she was allowed to view her own situation, you freaking threw in the towel after two weeks of no sex, WTF? I went without sex in my marriage for almost ten years, you're either a whiner or a complete control freak.

Reading all these comments from various members minimizing RA has got me steaming. Blanket statements. RA affects everyone differently. It can be anywhere from very minimal life change, to massive life change to complications that can cause death. All connective tissue is at risk, including in the eyes, heart and lungs. Doesn't sound like such a small deal now does it?

Physical exertion will cause swelling and tons of pain but who cares? As long as she's still spreading her legs? What. The. Hell.

My guess is that OP, you've always known exactly what you want out of life and while healthy the missus was fitting just fine into YOUR plans but not anymore.


----------



## Livvie

Does everyone remember that it's been two years since the RA diagnosis?


----------



## Not

Livvie said:


> Does everyone remember that it's been two years since the RA diagnosis?


RA is a progressive disease. I personally know someone with it and it's gotten worse over time. She's on both a biologic and Methotrexate (chemo drug) and seems to be hanging steady but at a really crappy stage. This is why I'd love to hear from the wife.


----------



## TheDangler

Not said:


> I'd love to hear the wife's perspective on all this. I'm sorry but OP you sound like a selfish my way or the highway type. You put limits on everything about her situation. You limited the length of time for her to recover from her funk, you minimized her condition and used it as a weapon to put her down so you limited how she was allowed to view her own situation, you freaking threw in the towel after two weeks of no sex, WTF? I went without sex in my marriage for almost ten years, you're either a whiner or a complete control freak.
> 
> Reading all these comments from various members minimizing RA has got me steaming. Blanket statements. RA affects everyone differently. It can be anywhere from very minimal life change, to massive life change to complications that can cause death. All connective tissue is at risk, including in the eyes, heart and lungs. Doesn't sound like such a small deal now does it?
> 
> Physical exertion will cause swelling and tons of pain but who cares? As long as she's still spreading her legs? What. The. Hell.
> 
> My guess is that OP, you've always known exactly what you want out of life and while healthy the missus was fitting just fine into YOUR plans but not anymore.


Its not the 2 weeks, its the intent. Doing it out of spite. 

Sex has never been used as a weapon or withheld in our 14 urs together. So this is something new from her, hence the shock.

10 years.....i have to ask whats wrong with you? Do you ever stand up for yourself, or just roll over and take it for 10 year? Based on that alone, I dont know if your advice is gonna be that helpful, I def dont want to be in your shoes.


----------



## TheDangler

bobert said:


> Half the post was about L... Do you not see why that's suspicious? I understand you were trying to explain how your wife feels about L, but that could have been summed up in 2-3 sentences. You mentioned "L" at least 31 times in your original post...
> 
> I understand L is no longer in the picture, but if your wife thought the friendship was inappropriate or an affair, then just cutting L out will not work. That needs to be properly dealt with, not dismissed or by telling her she is wrong.
> 
> Maybe she is just lazy and doesn't care about her physical and mental health enough to do something about it. Maybe she gave up because of things that happened in the marriage. Only she knows. If she would be on board with marriage counseling it may help. Or maybe, like you, she's just done at this point.


I can understand your point about my wifes perception. Point taken.


----------



## TheDangler

Rob_1 said:


> I'm with the OP here. The wife gave up immediately, and to this day she still wants to drag him down with her. Too many people here are showing their biases by being fixated on "L".
> OP: just give it a little more time. If after a determine period of time she doesn't want to get on the living bandwagon, make your decision. You don't have to give up on living just because she did.


My point exactly.


----------



## TheDangler

DTO said:


> This is grossly unfair to the OP. Clearly, the problem is not the RA so much as she's using it as an excuse to treat him badly. He does not intend to let himself become her whipping boy, nor should he.
> 
> I am just a couple of months out of major surgery and six months of chemotherapy. Never once did I lash out at someone over my health issues or crawl into a hole and cease to function. I make a choice every day to be productive in my life and good to the people around me. The OPs wife can do the same.


Thank you.


----------



## Not

TheDangler said:


> Its not the 2 weeks, its the intent. Doing it out of spite.
> 
> Sex has never been used as a weapon or withheld in our 14 urs together. So this is something new from her, hence the shock.
> 
> 10 years.....i have to ask whats wrong with you? Do you ever stand up for yourself, or just roll over and take it for 10 year? Based on that alone, I dont know if your advice is gonna be that helpful, I def dont want to be in your shoes.


I'm female and wouldn't let my ex touch me because he was an immature selfish abusive ass of a man and I wasn't about to divorce and leave my kids alone with him for any length of time. I stayed to protect my kids.

Sex is important, so important but when it's starts being withheld it's because of other underlying issues which you two have a lot of. If you believe she's doing it out of spite have you asked yourself why? Or have you guys talked about this at all? And do you think you're reaction was the best way to handle it? I don't think so. Your reaction was just as bad and that's only if she's really doing it out of spite because she could very well be telling you the truth about needing to time to recover inbetween sessions. You do seem like the type to completely discount anything she says about RA making her miserable, like you don't want to hear it anymore, you're done.


----------



## bobert

TheDangler said:


> Thank you.


What was the point in asking the question below if you are just looking for people to agree with you and tell you what you want to hear? 


TheDangler said:


> Anyways, am I doing the right thing?


----------



## TheDangler

Not said:


> I'm female and wouldn't let my ex touch me because he was an immature selfish abusive ass of a man and I wasn't about to divorce and leave my kids alone with him for any length of time. I stayed to protect my kids.
> 
> Sex is important, so important but when it's starts being withheld it's because of other underlying issues which you two have a lot of. If you believe she's doing it out of spite have you asked yourself why? Or have you guys talked about this at all? And do you think you're reaction was the best way to handle it? I don't think so. Your reaction was just as bad and that's only if she's really doing it out of spite because she could very well be telling you the truth about needing to time to recover inbetween sessions. You do seem like the type to completely discount anything she says about RA making her miserable, like you don't want to hear it anymore, you're done.


I see where ur comin from here.

Im a man, so it must be my fault. Gotcha.


----------



## Not

TheDangler said:


> I see where ur comin from here.
> 
> Im a man, so it must be my fault. Gotcha.


Predictable lol!


----------



## TheDangler

Not said:


> Predictable lol!


I mean, its what I pick up from your tone. If the shoe fits.......


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

okay, lets stay on track here....

2 years of disfunction. Blame shifting onto the RA as a constant go between. No physical needs being met BOTH sides.
This L chick who is probably a cool friend, for a single dude. But when you get married, yeah, thats got to go. Maybe shouldve done it sooner? Oh well, water under bridge now.
Then wife gives up life entirely. Literally doesn't lift a finger to grow the marriage. We are all quick to jump and scream it takes two to make a marriage grow. But we fail to realize that it takes two TOGETHER that a marriage does make.

Even if you do split, your kid needs a healthy mom. Period. You need to get into counselling pronto! She is depressed and not being proactive with her health. This is a warning sign. Do something proactive here. Her life very well may be depending on it. 

Could this train wreck be saved?? Both self serving individuals need to take a step back and ask themselves and each other, questions that haven't been asked in a loooong time.
WHY do you want to be married to me?

WHAT does marriage actually look like in 5-10 years?

WHERE in your heart do I fit in? Are you IN LOVE with me?

WHAT do I get out of this arraingement? Or is it all one sided?

WHAT made us happy earlier? AND WHAT makes us happy now?


----------



## Blondilocks

IIRC, wife got pregnant and now has a one year old child. That is what wife has been doing for the past two years.

Chasing after a toddler can't be easy with her condition.



BarbedFenceRider said:


> Then wife gives up life entirely. Literally doesn't lift a finger to grow the marriage.


----------



## BluesPower

Blondilocks said:


> IIRC, wife got pregnant and now has a one year old child. That is what wife has been doing for the past two years.
> 
> Chasing after a toddler can't be easy with her condition.


Come on Blondi… She had given up before she got pregnant. And while the OP may not get a lot here, her giving up was not HIS fault.

Again, it really sounds like she was going to have issues regardless of the RA which made things worse.

And I have lived all of this, it is almost impossible to figure out what is going on and when it started.

It is also almost impossible to "Make" someone get help for depression or whatever, when they cannot see past the doom and gloom of the RA diagnosis.

Is this guy supposed to live without a partner the rest of her life because she is not dealing with things well?


----------



## TheDangler

BluesPower said:


> Come on Blondi… She had given up before she got pregnant. And while the OP may not get a lot here, her giving up was not HIS fault.
> 
> Again, it really sounds like she was going to have issues regardless of the RA which made things worse.
> 
> And I have lived all of this, it is almost impossible to figure out what is going on and when it started.
> 
> It is also almost impossible to "Make" someone get help for depression or whatever, when they cannot see past the doom and gloom of the RA diagnosis.
> 
> Is this guy supposed to live without a partner the rest of her life because she is not dealing with things well?


I cant say for sure if there was underlying issues or not. If there were, she never made me aware or acted as such. Like I said, it was literally perfect (i was, and she seemed, so HAPPY) until that diagnosis.

Thats another thing that I cant wrap my head around. How something like a diagnosis can change someone so completely overnight. Remember, its not just me who she has alienated, her own friends dont want to deal with her anymore either. Especially a non terminal manageable diagnosis.

Im the type of guy who if a doc told me i had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer, i would tell him hes about to see the first person beat stage 4 inoperable lung cancer. Thats why its so hard for me to comprehend.

If I met the person she is today back then, I would not even date her.


----------



## Dadto2

Will repeat...yes RA is not a fun disease and causes pain. But there are many meds avail to keep it and the pain under control. If what she is taking isn’t working, it’s time to talk to her doc and switch to something else. I was on several before Enbrel did the trick.

Having said that, depression can set in after any medical diagnosis. And pain and lethargy is a leading symptom. I would be willing to bet that and not the RA is causing most of her problems. Could even add postpartum into the mix. Would be worth exploring.

Just my two cents


----------



## Casual Observer

TheDangler said:


> I mean, its what I pick up from your tone. If the shoe fits.......


And what shoe fits this quote?

"well, its been 2 weeks now, how about now?" she replies "now that you mention divorce I am not having sex with you. Do what you want, but Im not having sex with you."​​Hard to believe, after everything that's gone on, AFTER you tell her you want to divorce her, you're expecting her to have sex with you. You had an opportunity to de-escalate things, to show some empathy. How about this?

"You know what, that was a really stupid thing for me to say. I can't imagine how that made you feel. I am truly sorry for that and some other insensitive things I've said. You have always been the focus of my life, and I've done a really bad job of showing that. Can we start over?"


----------



## BluesPower

TheDangler said:


> I cant say for sure if there was underlying issues or not. If there were, she never made me aware or acted as such. Like I said, it was literally perfect (i was, and she seemed, so HAPPY) until that diagnosis.
> 
> Thats another thing that I cant wrap my head around. How something like a diagnosis can change someone so completely overnight. Remember, its not just me who she has alienated, her own friends dont want to deal with her anymore either. Especially a non terminal manageable diagnosis.
> 
> Im the type of guy who if a doc told me i had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer, i would tell him hes about to see the first person beat stage 4 inoperable lung cancer. Thats why its so hard for me to comprehend.
> 
> If I met the person she is today back then, I would not even date her.


I don't know but suspect. 

Here is why, a healthy person does not usually completely give up on life with this type of diagnosis. 

Not that it is not serious, not that it does not suck, but... People live for a long time with RA. It can be managed, I am not saying it is easy. 

But because she just gave up, that makes you think that maybe she had SOME TYPE of issue before the diagnosis... 

It would be hard for a lot of people to understand what you are going through.


----------



## Blondilocks

There is one idea that might bring your wife out of her funk: have her get a male best friend who lives down the street from you and goes everywhere with her and you can tag along and be the third wheel for 4 years.

BTW, you can't blame your wife because you were not included in that second male group chat. That's all on you. Maybe they got tired of you being an attention *****.

The fact that you expected your wife to have sex with you after you told her you wanted a divorce is all we need to know. Good luck.


----------



## pastasauce79

Have you guys received any type of counseling? Does she work? How does motherhood have affected her?

She needs to be referred to someone who can help her understanding her disease and her moods. 

My aunt has Addison's disease and RA. She takes some type of chemotherapy medication and she is enjoying life. It took years for her to find the right meds. She is very active. She is into bicycling and she goes on trips for miles! Stress is one of her biggest triggers but exercise helps her keeping stress at bay.

My husband and my aunt are examples of people who don't give up when faced with a painful diagnosis. 

I'd say do your best to help her finding help but if she declines, then you know she's not into helping herself or her marriage.


----------



## Yeswecan

TheDangler said:


> Wow, accused of abandonment now. Maybe I was wrong, her behavior is justified,and I should just continue in my current dead bedroom no social life bad attitude wife marriage. Thanks guys.


Well sir, there probably was something about in sickness and health the day you married. However, there is also times were it goes beyond a sickness. I feel it is at this point. I suggest you have your W served. Make if formal and very real. This may snap her out of her funk. If so, then perhaps your marriage can survive. If not, you have your answer.


----------



## Yeswecan

TheDangler said:


> I wasnt asking her to cure herself. But at some point, you have to get up off the floor. Its RA, not terminal cancer. I know all about it and the treatments. Like I said, I know several people with it, my wife is handling it the worst of all of them.
> 
> All I was asking in those 6 weeks was to get out of the house. And it wasnt 3am parties, we are talkin afternoom bbqs. We are mid 30s, not 22.


I sense your frustration. It is understandable. Has your W looked into professional help with her depression? If not why not?


----------



## EleGirl

TheDangler said:


> Social life was not more important than her or my family. It was nice to have them hand in hand. The point is, it seems to come out of nowhere that she nuked not just her social life, but her own too. Her own friends dont want to be around her anymore.


Most of the time, when a person comes down with a serious illness, most of their 'friends' abandon them. Why? Because they are fair weather friends. They are there for the good times but will not give an once of support to the person who is ill. If you want to find out who your real friends are, just get sick.

When a person goes into a depression like our wife did, it can take a year or two to come out of it. That's even with medication and a lot of support and empathy from loved ones. 



TheDangler said:


> As far as the bestest friend ever, I only mentioned her because she seems to be my wifes scapegoat despite the fact that in my opinion she is innocent. Shes long gone. You seem to be more focused on her than I am.


I can understand why your wife would think that your relationship with L was at the very least an emotional affair. You put being with L ahead of being with your wife for a long time. Emotional affairs are at least as devastating to a marraige as sexual affair, often they are more devastating.



TheDangler said:


> So...no words about her change in attitude, to the point her own friends dont wanna be around her.


How often did those friends come by and spend time with your wife? How much effort did they put into finding out what her issue are and how they could help and support her?

How much effort did L put into this sort of support for your wife?

Keep in mind when you are critical of your wife's changes after her diagnosis that regardless of modern medications, she could still be having problems. Even the medications could be causing problems and putting her into a depression. No one can really tell completely what another person feels physically, how much pain they are in, etc. The fact is that many who suffer from RA also experience depression and anxiety. Has your wife's doctors addressed this? What have you done help her get the medical and mental health care that she needs?

_"Rheumatoid arthritis and depression commonly occur together. Although this is known, people with rheumatoid arthritis often aren't screened for depression, so it may not be diagnosed or treated. Studies show that if depression occurring with rheumatoid arthritis isn't addressed, the treatment for rheumatoid arthritis itself can be less effective._​​_It's unclear whether depression and anxiety in people with rheumatoid arthritis are a result of their physical symptoms, or if depression is yet another symptom caused by the chronic, systemic inflammation of rheumatoid arthritis."_​​_








Is depression a factor in rheumatoid arthritis?


Depression is common in people with rheumatoid arthritis. If it isn't treated, depression may contribute to worsening of rheumatoid arthritis symptoms.




www.mayoclinic.org




_​


TheDangler said:


> No words on her cutting me off seemingly out of spite.


This is a lot more than spite. Things between you and your wife have deteriorated to the point that it's killed your self life. Your wife knows that you have a lot of contempt/distain for her. It's very clear in all that you have written. Basically your anger, etc. at her is a huge turn off. The two of you are caught is a never ending cycle of resentment. You both have contributed to the failure of your marriage.

It's unclear how much of your wife's depression and changed attitudes are in her control. We have no idea if she has tried to get help for it. But you do not mention any medical help she's might have gotten for her depression or any therapy. Both of which she clearly needs, badly.

Your marriage can be rebuilt if the two of you will work on it. Right now you have an opening to get your wife to work with you. She knows that you are profoundly unhappy and are seriously considering a divorce. Sometimes it takes an ultimatum to snap someone out of the funk that they are wallowing in. If you want to rebuild your marriage into one that meets both of your needs and is good for your son, then you can use her current fear of losing you as a motivator. Get her to see a doc and a therapist for her mental health issues. You both should probably also benefit from marriage counseling since it seems the two of you cannot seem to work together and/or communicate effectively.

I also suggest that you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work they suggest. Then ask her to read them with you and do the work together. The idea is to put the passion back in your relationship.

And.. if you don't want to put all that effort in, just get a divorce and move on. 



TheDangler said:


> Me thinks u be a man hater.


This statement breaks forum rules. TAM is an open, public forum. You will get a lot of different points of view. Take the ones that you feel are helpful and ignore the the rest. Name calling is not tolerated. 









Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2022)


Thank you for visiting Talk About Marriage. Talk About Marriage is a forum to discuss marriage and relationships. Here, we interpret the word "marriage" loosely, recognizing that many different people from different cultures view marriage differently. Please observe our posting guidelines...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## Absentminded

I speak from experience on this, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease over a decade ago....Being diagnosed with a serious chronic illness is life changing and incredibly difficult to deal with. It’s very easy to state how you’d handle getting a diagnosis when you’re healthy, but when it actually happens to you it can completely destroy your life.

Just because you know other people who deal with their illness better doesn’t mean that the OP’s wife should be expected to behave in the same way. People have very different experiences with their disease. 

Imagine being told that you have a disease that is incurable. You are in pain, tired and the medications you take have a horrendously scary list of possible side effects, from things like skin rashes and sickness through to Lupus, types of cancer, serious infections, liver damage etc. And if you find a medication that works, there’s always the worry that it might stop working and then your symptoms will come back. And what if (like me) you’ve tried and failed all the medications currently available? What then? You have the rest of your life stretching before you and you know that is going to be filled with pain and exhaustion. 

Fatigue is an incredibly common symptom of any inflammatory disease too. Your body is fighting that inflammation every minute of the day. Think about how tired you feel when you have a cold or the flu, that’s how your wife probably feels most days and you want her to go to a party / BBQ? She was likely exhausted, the fatigue is overwhelming. I have days where all I can do is lie in bed, even talking is too much effort. 

My husband has been with me through all of my disease. I was diagnosed about 2 years before we got married. He accepts that I am often too tired or in too much pain to go out. He stayed by my side through 18 months of serious surgeries, hospital admissions and life threatening complications, where having any kind of sex was out of the question. But with his compassion, love and patience we got through it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Imnobodynew

I'd like to chime in on both your behalf.

Ops wife: is obviously going through some sort of depression. I'm not a counselor or therapist so I cannot give a diagnoses but the classic signs are there. You mentioned op you grew up poor, went to war, etc etc I salute you! ( thank you for your service!)... but getting hit with a debilitating illness is different. Everyon deals with a life altering condition differently. It's getting your lower half blown off and then people telling you to keeping running marathons. It takes away your freedom as your used. It break your heart. It changes your perception and outlook on life. Socializing becomes the least important to you and someone constantly pushing can feel like betrayal. Its socialize or I leave you to socialize. Then I'm going to go out with my social and fun friend cause your not fun anymore.... if you were Being treated like that how would you feel?

I speak as one who live with RA for more then half of my life now... now they are checking for Ms...

But friends can be the worst offenders " are you doing better?" "I'm so so sorry" or the worst "just be strong, it will get better." I stopped Fellowship with my church at the time because people kept asking and saying " trust in the lord's healing and you will be healed" no one would accept.... maybe this is part of Gods plan for my life? 

Some more insight. I was the breadwinner at the time . I was healthy, social and active. I came home one day and couldnt get up for 3 years. Hummera and othe immune suppressants helped my feel better than left me feeling sick and horrible In other ways. Everyone is differnt. I detest posters who say it should be this way or that way becuase its not.

Op: From the jist of your post you came across as resentful not supportive. You wanted her to operate as you did in life, and resented her when she didn't.
not understanding of your wife's struggles. It should have been ,I'm cutting off all the other people and take baby steps at your pace wife. Like let's go walk the park, I'll princess carry if you get tired (wheelchair). let's watch a chick flick(blegh). Let's read a book, or talk about the better days. This builds a bridge to help support her in a trusting transition the you won't leave her behind. Instead your post was came across as you pushing her constantly....then going off on your. Must have been frightening. Sex to me was just another way to push you to see if you just quit... in a way her agreeing is probably guilt to just set you free because you don't sound like you want to stay. Nor have the patience.

One other thought. I'm not a rocket scientist but I imagine she was jealous of feeling horrible and stuck at home and you going out and leaving her behind with l? Ouch....

If you really want to save this: one step at a time. Setup virtual counseling, get workgroups. Go to to support groups. Work with her family. Massage her feet lol. Take her out on a sortie that doesnt require her to socialize for while. To the beach to the river, a ball game. Just the two of you and rebuild your new life. Make her feel confident that she has your love and support. Then together step back into small but expanding social circles. Meet at your place so she can control the interactions or retire if she needs too. Give her power and then she will give you freedom in her trust.

Noteid you know people build restiance to the meds and family of meds used to treat ra? 

I hope this helps. Sorry if my thoughts were not organized enough. I'm not trying to condemn. 
Btw I thank for my wife. We've been married 21 years. She stood by me. Bedridden for months every year. Socializing but then cutting people off becuase I was too tired and felt like a burden. Unable to hold a job. She was always there, always with me. Loving me, believing in me. It takes a certain type of person and sacrifice to live with this.


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## MattMatt

RA is NOT merely a joint disease. It can attack the skin, the eyes, lungs and other internal organs, causing great damage.


----------



## Spicy

TheDangler said:


> Thats another thing that I cant wrap my head around. How something like a diagnosis can change someone so completely overnight. Remember, its not just me who she has alienated, her own friends dont want to deal with her anymore either. Especially a non terminal manageable diagnosis.


This is the thing that I see as your biggest problem. How she feels about something and reacts to it has nothing to do with how you think you would react. She isn’t you, Her reactions are clearly different. It doesn’t make them right or wrong. It just is how she has reacted. Now the ball is in your court. Are you going to break up your family over it or not?


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## Imnobodynew

I guess the op left? Outside opinions can be hard to swallow. It felt a little bit like trying to stir the inquisition, but I could be wrong.


----------



## MattMatt

Imnobodynew said:


> I guess the op left? Outside opinions can be hard to swallow. It felt a little bit like trying to stir the inquisition, but I could be wrong.


Learening that you are wrong can be a bitter pill to swallow. His wife has a potentially life-changing progressive disease which he erroneously thought was just achy joints.

My wife has it and we know she'll end up in a wheelchair at some point, as did her mother and her older sister.


----------



## Not

Looks like OP has been banned.


----------



## waynejoey

TheDangler said:


> Ill start from the beginning....
> 
> Me: 36yrs old
> Her: 33 yrs old
> Kids: 1 kid, just turned 1 years old
> 
> I graduated high school in 02 and joined the army. After a few years, I came back and went to college while finishing out my military contract.
> 
> We met in 2006 and it was love at first sight. I was in college and roommates with few guys and my high school best friend (we went to college together and still hang out to this day). One of the roommates had a girlfriend, and we were at a St. Paddys day party and she asked is she can bring a friend of hers. Enter my wife.
> 
> She was everything I could ever want. Beautiful (seriously, a 9), funny, outgoing. Fit me perfectly (I am considered the social butterfly of our group as I am outgoing and loud as well ahah).The first 12 years were a fairy tale (more on that later). I ended up deployed one more time to Iraq, she stayed home and managed everything. She did great. I knew this was the one. We end up getting engaged after I return, but the wedding keeps getting postponed due to random issues (I had an accident that left me bedridden for half a year, etc.) that just kept pushing the wedding back. I was out of the army, still hadn't finished school. We decided since fate kept stepping in, we would take our money we had saved for the wedding and use it to float us while I finished school, and we went ahead and had a courthouse wedding one afternoon.
> 
> During this time, my best friend and I had grown apart. He was living the single bachelor life (he intends to do this forever), going out to 3 AM on a Wednesday, etc. He quit school and started working retail, so our schedules and lifestyles grew apart. I was working part time at night (she was working full time) and going to school double majoring in physics and electrical engineering. My friend and I still hang out and are good friends, but not what we once were due to the lifestyle changes.
> 
> This all happened around year 8. At this same time, I began working with a new girl who moved to our area, lets call her L. L and I instantly hit if off as friends. Made each other laugh and had a great time together. It wasnt long before we were like besties. I introduced her to my wife. They got along swimmingly. So much, I couldn't tell who was friends with who. They went to festivals together, and my wife even accompanied L to her home state to visit her parents one year. L used to call us both her besties. She always wanted our opinions on guys she was dating, everything. We were like the 3 musketeers, 4 every now and then she was dating someone.
> 
> This went on for 4 years, best times of my life. L became part of our larger social circle, friends with everyone. Hell, she even started hanging out with my former bestie and was invited to all events, with or without us. Eventually (3 years into the 4 years), I graduated college and due to my senior project getting picked up by a company and winning a huge govt contract, I got a killer job that no way an entry level person should have been able to get. Life was perfect, good friends, great job, my wife and I grew up poor and with my new job all of that changes. I came out of college making close to 6 figures. Our life was looking great.
> 
> Then, at 12 years into the relationship, in 2018 it happened. My wife had been complaining of soreness, pain in joints, etc. She went to the doctor. They diagnosed her with rheumatoid arthritis.
> 
> Now, I am not trying to make RA out like its easy. Its devestating, and terrible. I know its not fun. But I will say.....over 100,000 people are diagnosed with it every year. It is something that treatable (not curable), but it can be managed and lived with. Well, you may as well have told my wife that she had stage 4 terminal lung cancer and it was inoperable. I now look back at this day as the day my wife died. A different person came out of that office.
> 
> She shut down. No more funny, outgoing. Sit at home in severe depression. I tried to drag her out of it, I tried everything. I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks. People would call, or swing by, as us if we wanted to come over for grilling or beers, and she would just shut it down. I remember one Tuesday our friend (not L) was talking to us about her upcoming birthday BBQ on Saturday. This is a BBQ, not a marathon run. There would be chairs. My wife told her right then and there that she would probably be too sore and not up to going. ON TUESDAY SHE ALREADY HAD GIVEN UP ON SATURDAY. Thats the moment when I knew, she had given up.
> 
> I have a few older friends that I worked with. One's wife has RA, has had it for 35 years. Had to have surgeries due to it. She gets around better than my wife.
> 
> This whole 6 weeks I am begging her to get out of her funk. Finally, one day a friend is having a BBQ and I get on my hands and knees with tears in my eyes and beg her to go. She refuses. The I stand, and let her know I was through with this and was going to start attending these events without her. She said fine. So I did.
> 
> This went on for a while, I would ask her to go to events, she would decline to sit at home and wallow. I would go myself. L was at most (if not all) of these events as well, since she was part of our friend group by this point. After a while, since we are besties and L lives down the street from me, we started riding together. I would pick her up or she would pick me up. Everytime, I would beg my wife to go, and she wouldn't.
> 
> Well, I guess the optics looked bad. I don't think any of our friends said anything, or if they did it was simply that L and I were hanging out a lot without her (I had not told anyone but L that my wife was refusing to go anywhere). Maybe no one said anything, and my wifes imagination got the best of her. Let me say this, every single interaction and conversation I ever had with L I would do again in front of my wife. We never crossed a single boundary. We aren't into each other like that.
> 
> She began having a problem with me and L going out. I told her that I had been beggin her to go and she wouldn't. THis arguing continued. One night, she followed me to the door as I was going out to be picked up by L to go the one of our friends place for a get together. She was arguing with me, refusing to go but wanted me to not go as well. I regret it, but I looked at her and said "I sat here for 6 weeks begging you to get up off the couch and out of your funk. I am not wasting another Friday night on you." She brings this up often now.
> 
> She starts dragging L into this. L doesn't want the drama, so she kinda backs off. We still hang out and talk, but she hangs back a bit. We go out, just not as much.
> 
> My marriage is still falling apart. Eventually, I tell her that this isn't working for me and perhaps we should separate in Sept 2018. She hits the floor begging and crying to work it out. This is where I messed up. I agreed, and for some reason seemed to give her my balls at that moment. She began dictating the terms of working it out, despite the fact I was the one wanting out.
> 
> According to her, all our marriage problems are L's fault. She accepts no responsibility for her depression. By the way, throughout this time and til now, RA has become her trump card. Its her excuse for everything. I treated you like **** due to RA, my car is low on gas due to RA, etc. I was getting tired of hearing it.
> 
> She had it out with L over the phone, which resulted in L blocking her and removing my wife from all her social media. My wife was offended by this (see the pattern here, she can say/do what she wants to anyone, and if you retaliate at all you are in the wrong). The following week, we went to a mutual friends bday party. L was there. She came up and said hi to me (no hug or anything). She did not even acknowledge my wife. I expected this, and assumed my wife did as well. I thought when we were at these things they would just ignore each other. But apparantly, my wife believe that she can have it out with someone, demand they stay away from her and her husband (as L put it "she took away my best friend") yet still expected them to hug her and be cordial at events. My wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Since L did not hug or say hi to my wife, my wife demands we leave right there and then (we literally had just walked in the door). At this point, my wifes behavior is getting embarassing.
> 
> When we get home, she goes off and demands I remove L from my phone and never speak to her again. I thought it would be temporary
> 
> She demanded I remove L from my life and never speak to her again. I was thinking I could do this temporarily and get her out of her funk, and then maybe things will go back to normal (I was wrong). So I agreed, and never even said goodbye to my best friend of 4 years. I was trying to be a good husband and work on my marriage.
> 
> My wife didn't stop there. She went back to her not going anywhere funk, and I joined her. L is popular in our friend circle, and still is around them. Some of our friends became aware of my wifes treatment of L and now dont really hang or talk to me because the "don't know who my wife will turn on next." I was the social butterfly, at every event, phone rings constantly on the weekends with people wanting us to hang out (they loved my pre RA wife). Now, no one hangs out with us. I was in a group chat with my guy friends, found out 2 weeks ago they had for over a year now started another group text that excluded me. Before Covid-19, we had went out a total of 5 times in the previous year.
> 
> About a month after the blowout in late Oct 2018, I had a pre planned trip for me and my wife. A week long roadtrip. I figured this would be the point I could turn it around. We still had something, I mean the sex was still going strong and I figured we could work through the depression if I could get her to acknowledge it.
> 
> We had a good trip, I thought we were making progress. We get back and she is back to her same in a funk self. I still am not allowed to communicate with L, and have no social life. A few weeks after we get back from the trip, we find out she is pregnant. I am ecstatic, and stupidly believe that this could only help us get out of this funk. We have the baby. Mind you, she did not fix anything during the pregnancy. I have no friends or social life anymore. I literally celebrate the birth of my first child with her family and my mom. She had 2 girlfriends come by the hospital. I had no one but my mom. I guarantee if this had happend 2 years prior, we would have filled up the waiting room. I know L would have been there.
> 
> So, I guess you could say I felt stuck. New baby, wife still acting like a b****. She still isn't accepting responsibility for her depression and actions. Including the pregnancy, we have been living like this for 2 years. I feel like my life is passing me by. A time when I should on cloud 9, and Im bored, lonely, and getting depressed. I mean, I got THE JOB, high salary, great work schedule, we can travel, we finally made it. We worked so hard together for this and then she sh*ts the bed at the finish line. Makes me so mad.
> 
> Well, it appears nuking my social life isn't enough for her, now she has decided to nuke my sex life. About 2 weeks ago, she started refusing sex. At first it was because she was tired/sore (RA excuse), but then it was just because (she told me this). Even said that she could have had sex this past weekend with me, but just decided not to. I have tried to initiate every night of this 2 weeks.
> 
> So, from my point of view she is doing this out of spite. I felt stuck, because if I leave I lose half the time with my son, no to mention he will not have any memories of his parents together (he just turned 1). But, eventually I say a half time happy dad is probably better than a full time unhappy dad. I told her I want a divorce.
> 
> This started the waterworks, and her justifying her actions. Give you three guesses what excuse she used? Thats right, "I quit putting out due to my RA, I need more time between to heal." I didn't bring up what she said about this past weekend, but instead said "well, its been 2 weeks now, how about now?" she replies "now that you mention divorce I am not having sex with you. Do what you want, but Im not having sex with you."
> 
> I say "well, you destroyed my social life, Ill be damned if I let you destory more of my life. I want out, we are divorcing." She has been sad and mopey since (its been 2 days), but has not tried to stop the D train or anything. She does say "guess all I am worth to you is sex, since you are divorcing me over not having sex for 2 weeks." She refuses to acknowledge all the other stuff. To this I reply "No honey, you are much more than sex to me. But a house is much more than the bathroom, but you are not buying a house with no bathroom in it are you?"
> 
> Anyways, am I doing the right thing? Any advice? I hate this for my son, and I do love her. She has become a different person. Even her friends have distanced themselves from her.


It sounds like you allowed an emotional affair to creep into your life because you don't have standards and have not set the proper marriage boundaries. Guys can't be friends with girls, and vice versa, period.
Your job as a man is to "die to yourself", showing sacrificial love to your wife.
You have let your child down by considering divorce.
You are consumed with "the social life", a type of idol or addiction, because you have put your faith in something that you think will fulfill you, but in the end will let you down.

What is your identity as a man?
Will you be a statistic or do something about all the fatherless homes in America?
Look at all the crime and sexual immorality. Do you know what it can be tied back to every time? No father. Either not in the home or absent/passive parenting.

I recommend you turn this over to Jesus. He will give you the truth about your real identity as a man and the passion for life that goes far, far beyond the little social circles that come and go. He can even show you how to best love someone with RA, or who knows maybe even heal it.

Be a father to your child. Show the world there are still real men out there.


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## Rob_1

waynejoey said:


> I recommend you turn this over to Jesus.


Why is it that you bible people has to always proselytize. Why can't you just say "if you're religious follow your doctrine" or something like that. Don't you realize that a lot of people are not religious at all.


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