# Interesting article: Put It On Lock! Should You Use Sex as a Bargaining Tool?



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Friends, another interesting article, this one by Toya Sharee. Thought-provoking and hopefully will be useful to some of our distinguished TAM Forum Members here.

This article is written for the ladies, but the insight are universal, I think.

Thoughts? Comments?

Source: Put It On Lock! Should You Use Sex as a Bargaining Tool? | Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love



> Mama always warned that no man is ever going to buy the cow, if you’re giving the milk away for free. In the process of creating “90 Day” rules and using sex as a dangling carrot in front of a horse instead of a way to truly build a relationship beyond physical attraction, you may be making your man lactose intolerant. Playing games by putting a price on the pleasure offered by your love below in many ways trivializes just how special that experience can be.
> 
> The honest truth is that if a man is only after sex in the first place, it doesn’t matter if you wait 90 days or 9 months, once he gets his half a gallon he will get ghost. I’m not saying you should have sex with every man you’re attracted to three minutes after meeting him; because if he is really into you sex won’t make a difference, because in many ways the timing does. There’s a certain level of respect built in a relationship where sex isn’t on the forefront; sex can complicate things and putting it off can allow a man more time to reveal the gentleman or jerk he really is. What I am saying is that if you initially balance a relationship by making sex the gatekeeper to true intimacy or the path to problem solving, you implicitly send the message that your value lies in between your legs.
> But what about using sex as a bargaining tool in a relationship? Well, there’s big chance that the only one you’re doing a disservice to are your own desires. When a man doesn’t lose his mind over some lost vajayjay, a woman may look at herself as a sexual #FAIL. The saying goes that “pu**y is power”, but I don’t believe that holds true. The power resides in our femininity, our intelligence, our confidence, our strength and the fact that most of us bring so much more to the table than good sex. In the end, it’s going to take much more than your bedroom skills to keep any man worth holding onto.
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sex is not a tool or a weapon.You don't withhold to get your way or to get things done.Out of all the manipulation tactics we use in our daily lives without even realizing it,sex should never be one of those tactics.It's special.Using it to get your needs met or as a whip to crack on someone makes it cheap and meaningless.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My view on using sex as a bargaining tool is it would be equivalent to using eating as a tool. As in, until you start doing X neither one of us is going to eat. Both sides get hurt and all it really accomplishes is creating resentment...even when it's 'successful'.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Here's a related quote,

"Something I hear often from women is that withhold sex because sex is the only card they have. They must play it wisely. If they give it away too quickly, or too frequently, they'll have nothing left. He'll have all the cards and what will they do then? 

The problem with that strategy is simple. Men do not actually have all the cards." - Nicole Daedone in "Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm"


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I used to think my wife did this, but I learned over many years to reconsider my position.

For a long time, the best way to get laid was to put in a long day working around the house. There's always been a remodel or two going on, and I usually do most of the work myself. So every time this happened, it always felt like quid pro quo - if you want sex, work hard, and I'll reward you. 

I've softened my position through the realization that I was wrong about the motivation. Sex wasn't a reward for hard work, it was the hard work that was making the sex. It was neither weapon nor reward, just a case of fulfilling her non-sexual desires being the best possible aphrodisiac.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

My wife has used sex as a "bargaining tool"before when we didn't get along.It shouldn't happen.Because sex is supposed to be a mutual thing.I've felt like an idiot in the past doing things for my wife just because she was using her vagina a bargaining tool and would have sex with me if I did them.Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing that both people enjoy.I've dealt with guilt in the past just for enjoying sex with my wife because the sex only happened because she was using sex as a bargaining tool.I wonder if other men have felt guilty for enjoying that kind of sex also.To me that's what can result from this.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I used to think my wife did this, but I learned over many years to reconsider my position.
> 
> For a long time, the best way to get laid was to put in a long day working around the house. There's always been a remodel or two going on, and I usually do most of the work myself. So every time this happened, it always felt like quid pro quo - if you want sex, work hard, and I'll reward you.
> 
> I've softened my position through the realization that I was wrong about the motivation. Sex wasn't a reward for hard work, it was the hard work that was making the sex. It was neither weapon nor reward, just a case of fulfilling her non-sexual desires being the best possible aphrodisiac.


Mr. Cletus,

While the concept of hard work for making the sex might have worked for you, more or less...but maybe because that's the only way for you to get any sex from your wife. The point is that you have learned to accept her LD-ness. But..I could never, in my good conscience, recommend your approach to others.. because not everybody could be like you. The best I can say is something like "..See? Uncle Cletus can do it, and maybe so can you, but there's no guarantee for success, and a degree of suffering is certain.."


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Scarlet and Mr. Maritime, I find myself liking your opinions here. Thumbs up!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Mr. Cletus,
> 
> While the concept of hard work for making the sex might have worked for you, more or less...but maybe because that's the only way for you to get any sex from your wife. The point is that you have learned to accept her LD-ness. But..I could never, in my good conscience, recommend your approach to others.. because not everybody could be like you. The best I can say is something like "..See? Uncle Cletus can do it, and maybe so can you, but there's no guarantee for success, and a degree of suffering is certain.."


I'm sure I have something to say about this, but it will have to wait. I have sheet rock to hang in the bathroom.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

"when a man doesn't loose his mind over some lost vajayjay" Exactly. This game is a dead end that does nothing but harm the marriage/relationship.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Indeed!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I'm sure I have something to say about this, but it will have to wait. I have sheet rock to hang in the bathroom.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Many years ago, my best friends GF started using sex as a tool, she would deny him frequently and only give it to him as a reward (for whatever behavior or task she expected). 

He got smart really quick, and started refusing to give her any affection, and was quite vocal about it. "If you are going to with-hold sex from me, I'm going to with-hold kissing, hugging, holding hands, and any mental affections from you".

I never thought of it that way before, but the point was simple- that men need more physical/sexual attention and women need more emotional/affectionate physical attention. If the woman can justify using it as a tool, so can men. 

In the end, she learned a hard lesson, and they are still together today, almost 20 years later.


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