# both of us are separated and in a relationship



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What I see in the future is a man who will never be able to wash his hands of this woman, even if they divorce I see her hounding him and him always running to help. The drama may go on for years...and years. Sorry OP but you caught a bad one, toss him back and fish somewhere else. Sucks you two got an apartment together, lesson learned I hope for your sake.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm sorry, but there will be always be a certain amount of judgment reserved for folks who are in a mid-marriage relationships, all while trying to usurp it by immediately entering into "rebound relationships" with other married people! Exactly what is remotely wrong with the waiting until the ink on the divorce decree is fully dry?

When in the due process of exiting existing marital relationships, a lawyer, a psychologist, or a pastor is needed far more than with someone conveniently available to ignite a romantic or sexual flame with!

Counseling and a period of personal reflection is needed far more than anything!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your story is why I absolutely refused to date men who were not divorced. I mean, past the absolute and having lived alone for at least 6 months point. 

Not being preachy here at all OP, you went into things eyes wide open, it's just that now you find yourself here, increasingly frustrated with his baggage.

So, you can either offer him a dose of reality (choose to be superman to a lost cause OR choose you.. Because he can't make room for both). Or, you can step away, tell him you hope all the best for his divorce to go smoothly, and you go find someone obtainable and willing (and ready/able) to put you first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> My last "lecture" (promise
> 
> Wife is suicidal - has downed pills before. Clearly she has deep psychological problems. Boyfriend himself has said he's tried for many years to get away from her, but her instability drags him back in.
> 
> Wondering - was she always this way? Perhaps before they married but she hid it well? Or perhaps she suffered years of psychological trauma at his hand? Point is, something has driven her to this state. Do your due diligence and don't just write her off as the crazy (soon to be) ex wife.


For how long throughout their relationship was he on dating sites, Tinder, etc?

If he messed her psyche up so much that she became suicidal, then yes it is all -pretty much- on his shoulders.

And anyone who wants sex can pretend to be into something. "Why, yes, *of course* I love dogs/ballet/classical music/hiphop/jogging, just like you do! Wanna have sex now?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

lynn11374 said:


> Thanks for the responses. I do recognize I made some bad decisions. When we first started dating I did deliberately give off vibes that it was super-casual and I didn't care about his 'story' so to speak so he took that to mean I didn't want to know. When i confronted him he immediately divulged he was married.
> 
> But anyway, because of the decisions I made it doesn't seem fair for me to kick him out just yet since I agreed to all of this and both of our names are on the lease. I went into this knowing that papers have not yet been filed. So do I give him a timeline? an ultimatum? And whenever I tell him if she killed herself it would not be his responsibility it comes across sounding so cold and heartless. how do I say it? He genuinely cares about her as a person even though he doesn't want to share lives with her any more.
> 
> Thanks again.


lynn,

Lets separate the two. YOU are not and will not be responsible for anything she does to harm herself. Your boyfriend needs to get 911 involved. None of us know her or your boyfriend so we have no idea if this is credible threat or not, and yes it is sometimes used to manipulate by both BS and WS when things are not going their way. You boyfriend needs to err on the side of caution and notify her relatives and authorities what she is implying.

Now back to the other issues
(1) just remember you met him on Tinder while he was married. So you need to sort out if you want this more than a convenience relationship going forward. You do not want to b e watching Tinder whenever you go through a rough patch.
(2) he needs to take some legal action to free you of the drama you are now signed up for. 
(3) if it comes to it, leases can be broken.

You cannot undo the mistakes ( your words). Don't dwell on them. You do have to figure out what you ant know and in the foreseeable future.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If he messed her psyche up so much that she became suicidal, then yes it is all -pretty much- on his shoulders.


He's not responsible for her "psyche" whatever that means.

If she's suicidal she's got problems that have nothing whatsover to do with him.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You asked for no judgement but you're giving us a "I painted myself into a corner. How do I get out without leaving footprints" scenario. 

He needs to move back in with his wife. You need to arrange to have his name removed from the lease and find a new roommate. Until he is in fact divorced he is not yours to have and his wife is not your problem. 

This is not judgement. I'm giving you a straight line out of a potentially dangerous situation. An irrational person who threatens suicide is capable of a lot of things.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

browser said:


> He's not responsible for her "psyche" whatever that means.
> 
> If she's suicidal she's got problems that have nothing whatsover to do with him.


Not to speak for Matt but I think he was originally piggy backing off my point.

My point was basically, and to put it bluntly- is this guy some a$$hole that spent years psychologically abusing his (not ex) wife, leading her to the current state she is now in. Maybe, maybe not, but it's one more thing OP should think long and hard about before furthering the relationship.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

I guess I need to give him a choice between me or keeping his marital situation in limbo. Kicking him out is not an option, he has spent a tremendous amount of time and energy helping me move here and setting up the apartment. I also don't see why he should move back in with his wife, he does not want to work things out with her and him moving back in woujd just put her back on the emotional roller coaster and give her hope that things will work out. I think he is just scared that she will actually kill herself and he will be responsible which is what kept him with her for longer than he wanted. It's guilt. 

And this has now become my problem because I took it on willingly. Yes a mistake. But I really do think he is a good guy and I am learning its really hard to find somebody at mid life without a lot of baggage. If not this, it's ex-wives and step kids and custody issues and all sorts of craziness. I do not want to lose him, however if he does not move forward with cutting ties with her that's what's going to have to happen. 

I appreciate the guidance on how suicide is that person's decision and responsibility. I think it's hard to realize that when it's someone you care about or shared your life with.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hmmmm...married bloke on Tinder. Enough said.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Hmmmm...married bloke on Tinder. Enough said.


I have to agree, I am afraid OP this is not going to end well for you. All the signs are there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynn11374 said:


> Thanks for the responses. I do recognize I made some bad decisions. When we first started dating I did deliberately give off vibes that it was super-casual and I didn't care about his 'story' so to speak so he took that to mean I didn't want to know. When i confronted him he immediately divulged he was married.
> 
> But anyway, because of the decisions I made it doesn't seem fair for me to kick him out just yet since I agreed to all of this and both of our names are on the lease. I went into this knowing that papers have not yet been filed. So do I give him a timeline? an ultimatum? And whenever I tell him if she killed herself it would not be his responsibility it comes across sounding so cold and heartless. how do I say it? He genuinely cares about her as a person even though he doesn't want to share lives with her any more.
> 
> Thanks again.


Two things. First, a person can't blackmail another person if the thing she's using to blackmail with is made public. Tell your AP that you expect him to IMMEDIATELY tell her family that they are divorcing and that she has repeatedly threatened suicide; inform them that the next time she threatens it, you are going to call 911 and they will come, evaluate her, and either leave her with a warning or cart her away. Tell him that you expect him to tell them that he can no longer be held hostage to this threat, that she's been doing it for years and he can't do it anymore; so he's asking them to look after her; she is now their responsibility. 

Tell him that he has until the end of December to do that - in front of you; if he hasn't done it by the end of December, you will be removing his stuff from your apartment.

Second, inform him that he has until the end of the lease to have his divorce either finalized or in the judge's chambers with a date. If he hasn't done it by then, YOU will be moving out.

btw, what's going on with YOUR divorce?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP are you madly in love with this guy? I get the impression you feel obligated because of his help and also you feel he's as good as you're going to find. Neither are valid reasons for committing long term. You both were on Tinder for a hook up, now you went and let it go to far. The reality is you are two people married to others and yet you have moved in together. Tell me that doesn't sound like a terrible idea.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> Thanks for the responses. I do recognize I made some bad decisions. When we first started dating I did deliberately give off vibes that it was super-casual and I didn't care about his 'story' so to speak so he took that to mean I didn't want to know. When i confronted him he immediately divulged he was married.


What a crock of sh*t he's peddling - that just because you weren't looking for anything serious he took it to mean you *didn't* want the TRUTH. Typical opportunist. 

Don't make excuses for scumbag behavior.

Lowlife *married men* representing themselves on any dating site as 'single' or 'divorced' are scumbags. Their intent is to deceive *innocent *single women who are looking to date or looking for a relationship - regardless of the degree of 'casual' they may be seeking. That doesn't give con artists the right to trick women into dating them by lying about their marital status. The fact that you stayed with this low-life after finding out he was married and had *CONNED* you speaks volumes - and *none* of it good.



> But I really do think he is a good guy and I am learning its really hard to find somebody at mid life without a lot of baggage.


'Good' guys don't put themselves on dating sites while they're actively married - they deal with their situation at home with honesty and integrity, FIRST.

'Good' guys don't con innocent women on dating sites by claiming to be available when they know damned well they AREN'T, just so they can get themselves a little girlie action on the side.

Unfortunately for you, when you choose to fool around with a married man and he leaves his wife for you, THIS is what you get - all his dirty baggage.

Next time, aim higher.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And...never date a man who needs YOUR money to get by.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> And...never date a man who needs YOUR money to get by.


Agreed. And it's also wise to never date a woman who needs YOUR money to get by.

Yes, OP, you made mistakes getting involved with him initially. Didn't he leave his wife awfully quickly? If so, he was already planning to leave, I think. Unethical of him not to tell her before he started dating, of course. That does not mean he won't make better choices going forward - and so can you.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Well, not that I'm saying what he did was right, however on tinder you do not specify your status. It's not like other sites where you fill in your personal info, so he never represented himself as single or divorced. It's just pictures and whatever else you want to write. It's a hook up site, even though some people do use it for dating, and you pretty much need to ask if you want to know something. I Think he was desperate to find the courage to leave his marriage and thought it tinder woujd maybe give him the push he needed. He very much does regret going about things this way. 

As for my divorce, my court date is tomorrow so it will be finalized tomorrow :smile:. Another reason why I want him to move on this, as I am completely legally free of any marital obligations tomorrow.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Get a hold of his phone and take screen shots of her threats.

Call 911 and give them her address. Tell them that she is constantly threatening suicide and you are concerned about her mental state.

She is most likely an abuser and he is the abused.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

We talked about it last night and it turned into a fight. He says she apparently talked aboit quitting her job and entered in some sort of inpatient treatment over the weekend, he's really worried about her and isn't going to file for divorce from someone who is truly suicidal and wants to make sure she's safe and in a good place first. He feels I'm lacking compassion in trying to rush the process and it seems I only care about my own interests in this situation and he needs to do this at his own pace.

Says it's just a piece of paper, and unless I'm looking to get married right now doesn't understand why it's so important. He spends all his time with me and enjoys doing things for me and sharing our life together.

Should I back off for now? Am I being selfish?

By the way, my divorce is now final.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Congratulations for moving on.....that makes one of you. The question is not about selfishness, it's not about backing off either. The real question is.....is this enough for you, if she never gets better, he never divorces her....is this enough? 

Keep in mind that he has decided that her mental health is more important than your mental happiness......so I ask you is this enough for you?


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

I suppose it's enough temporarily. Doesn't seem like I'd succeed getting a timeline in place though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's not going to leave her.

Find someone with integrity; you'll fare better in the end.

Have you even read any of the million articles, books, blogs about cheating men? You'll find one thing in common in 98% of them: they ALL SAY they're miserable in their marriage and they're going to leave their wife for you. And then they ALL find reasons NOT to. It's called cake-eating for a reason.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A married dude on Tinder is not relationship material. Doesn't matter that he's talking about divorcing his wife. He's not divorced until it's official. MW/OW have no idea the pull a wife and mother of his kids has on a MM. Sure some men leave but most won't, especially if the wife is fighting for him.

To a woman, she thinks he's weak because he won't follow his "heart." But she fails to understand that men are not driven by the same things that woman are. Duty and honoring your word can spur a man to stay in a luke warm marriage, and do so happily. 

With the OP's divorce not complete, not sure what her rush is to chase strange men on Tinder. Let the ink dry on your divorce decree before you troll for d!ck.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

But he did leave her 2 months ago. Isn't that more there most married cake eating men do?
He wants me to be patient until he is comfortable his wife is in a safe emotional place before he stares paperwork. 
And I'm now divorced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynn11374 said:


> But he did leave her 2 months ago. Isn't that more there most married cake eating men do?


Not by much. I've seen at least 10 married men set up apartments so they could screw their AP in comfort and, when the wife crooks her finger, he goes running back. It's what they do.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lynn11374 said:


> We talked about it last night and it turned into a fight. He says she apparently talked aboit quitting her job and entered in some sort of inpatient treatment over the weekend, he's really worried about her and isn't going to file for divorce from someone who is truly suicidal and wants to make sure she's safe and in a good place first. He feels I'm lacking compassion in trying to rush the process and it seems I only care about my own interests in this situation and he needs to do this at his own pace.
> 
> Says it's just a piece of paper, and unless I'm looking to get married right now doesn't understand why it's so important. He spends all his time with me and enjoys doing things for me and sharing our life together.
> 
> ...


Now is the BEST time to file, notify her, and have her served. If she is in a mental hospital, she will be under supervision and medical staff are there to see her through the upset.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Move on Alexa. Tons of good single men out there who do not have all this baggage. Two months of putting up with this turns into two years and then two decades. Pick again.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If he REALLY wanted to show compassion for his wife, he'd have been by her side through sickness and in health, instead of trolling for tang on tinder.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the truth.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I guarantee you that if you dump him, he'd be on Tinder again in no time. A married man going on Tinder to meet other women. A married man willing to abandon his sick wife. 

Ignore the red flags at your own peril.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lynn11374 said:


> But he did leave her 2 months ago. Isn't that more there most married cake eating men do?
> *He wants me to be patient until he is comfortable his wife is in a safe emotional place before he stares paperwork*.
> And I'm now divorced.


"Be patient, I'm only staying until the kids finish high school/until the kids finish college/until my youngest gets married/until I don't have to pay child support/until the family dog dies/until...until...until..."

*source: Married Man Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 3, page 6


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

So I feel like I'm getting two different messages. The first being that he should proceed with the divorce despite her emotional condition. The other that he should not abandon her while in this condition. 

In his mind he has left her already, just hasn't started the paperwork and doesn't see why it's so important. Sorry I just want to make sure I understand, just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing. I really do love him and he has treated me so kindly. He does anything for me, except start the paperwork until he is comfortable with his wife's emotional condition. Is that such a horrible thing?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you're being told is that UNTIL he is legally divorced, you can't trust a word he says. And we tell you that from lots and lots of experience. I know he's your first married man, but WE have seen HUNDREDS of women coming here with married men, and we know what's going to happen to you.

Tell him that you love him, but you can't be available until he's legally divorced, that you have too much respect for yourself; to get in touch with you once he is legally divorced, and you two will see if you can make it work.

That does two things: It helps YOU respect and love yourself which will make you a better person and it helps HIM have to make a decision - if he really wants you, he'll have to treat you right. If you keep giving him sex, he has no reason to do so.

Like Beyonce says...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Well that's odd.....I guess the OP must have deleted her original post and since I was the first to respond now the post is listed under my name. At first glance I thought someone was using the same screen name as me, but obviously that's not the case.

Can a moderator pull my name off the thread title? I don't want people thinking this is my thread.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Didn't like what she was hearing...so typical. Of people in cheating relationships.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

lynn11374 said:


> So I feel like I'm getting two different messages. The first being that he should proceed with the divorce despite her emotional condition. The other that he should not abandon her while in this condition.
> 
> In his mind he has left her already, just hasn't started the paperwork and doesn't see why it's so important. Sorry I just want to make sure I understand, just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing. I really do love him and he has treated me so kindly. He does anything for me, except start the paperwork until he is comfortable with his wife's emotional condition. Is that such a horrible thing?


I don't think it's a horrible thing. Yes, he lied about his status and that's a clear negative. Showing compassion for the mental well-being of an ex you dearly wish to be rid of should be a positive. Does the positive - even if inconvenient for you - outweigh the negative? Someday, you may need compassion and consideration. If he were inconsiderate and selfish, only concerned about his own desires when you were in need, he wouldn't be the person you perceive him to be now.

He will probably get this resolved, but it seems to require some delicacy and finesse.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Thank you. And no I did it delete my original post, I was also wondering why someone else's name was associated with it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> Thank you. And no I did it delete my original post, I was also wondering why someone else's name was associated with it.


Forum database issues.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're free. He's not. All the rest doesn't matter.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Was just reading how men rarely file for a divorce or do paperwork. Almost everyone I know who's divorced, it's the woman who actually did the filing. Even in my case, my husband was the one who moved out yet I did the paperwork. So I guess I'll be waiting forever here...


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

You may need compassion and consideration, only concerned about his own desires when you were in need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*temp thread*



lynn11374 said:


> Was just reading how men rarely file for a divorce or do paperwork. Almost everyone I know who's divorced, it's the woman who actually did the filing. Even in my case, my husband was the one who moved out yet I did the paperwork. So I guess I'll be waiting forever here...


If you want him to be free to marry you, simply refuse to interact with him until he is divorced. Give him a REASON to get divorced. If you're still giving him the honey, he has no reason to.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> If you want him to be free to marry you, simply refuse to interact with him until he is divorced. Give him a REASON to get divorced. If you're still giving him the honey, he has no reason to.


Yes, if marriage is a priority for you, it could be a long wait. If not, then it should not matter - _if_ you are convinced that he is worth it and loves you as much as you love him. My divorce took 7 years - my ex was unreasonable (and she also had some mental health issues), so I waited her out. Anything else would have been ruinously expensive, but in the end it worked greatly to my advantage to wait. I married my gf three months after my divorce was final - we'd been living together close to 7 years at that point, had bought two houses together, and even moved to a different state. Commitment is real; marriage is a formality, but important to some people. You get to choose what's best and what works for you.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > If you want him to be free to marry you, simply refuse to interact with him until he is divorced. Give him a REASON to get divorced. If you're still giving him the honey, he has no reason to.
> ...


Thanks for sharing your experience. Did you wait to start the paperwork or was the process long once filed?


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