# Just got confirmation- wow. Shocking.



## TheFlood117

Yeah, I too now join the ranks of the guy with the cheating wife. The looser. That's how I feel now. So, for the last 4 months I've noticed that my wife- I guess I should give some info first. Sorry if this is a little obtuse and crazy, but I just found out like an 2 hours ago. 

My wife is 31 years old, we have been married for 6 years and have 1 child- an amazing boy, who's just a beast and Boss Hog, lol. He's 4 years old, gonna be 5 in May. I'm 34. 

Back to the point. She's been cheating on me for the last 4 months- for what I think has been physical for 3 or 4 weeks-more on that later. Back in Early December she began getting on Facebook. A lot. More than often. And started chatting up a co-worker ( She works in a real estate office). Now this F*ckin d-bag is a married guy as well, he's a tad bit older than me- I think late 30's early 40's, not sure and I'm sure he has at least 1 or 2 kids. I know he has kids. What a d!ck. 

So I guess in February I noticed that she was becoming sort of withdrawn and short with me. Detaching I guess. Our sex life was still great- at least 5 times a week, sometimes more. So I just sort of chalked it up as just being married and wife stuff. 

Then about 3 weeks ago our sex life, trickled off- big time. We've had sex 3 times since about the end of Feb. 

This is when I went into full recon mode. I know my wife- very well, I've known her since we were 9, child hood friends who lost touch when we went off to college then reconnected. So I know the lying ***** well. I was told by a friend who caught his ex wife- that the phone and facebook is the key to catching intel on the lying *****s. So that's what I did,

Well because I'm not a n00b at IT I got her facebook info easily.Nothing was out of line, other then way to much convo's and likes by each of them- but nothing out of line. So then the quest for the phone began. She's clever, she tried using apps that delete all messages by selected numbers. But because these apps require a computer to start them the first time- her hard drive wasn't sweeped yet. So 2nite while she slept I got into her computer. and was able to run a system restore of her phone- back to the beginning of December. What I found was shocking. 1'000s of texts to this d-bag and then I got to feb's text's- this is when I think it got physical. Then the pictures. 

I'll never forget these. Ever. In my life. These pictures of her f*cking and S*cking this guy's little pecker will forever be in my brain. That was tonight. I'm surprisingly calm. I guess I'm just waiting. 

I want to divorce her, I hate her now. But my little boy is the x factor. I want him to have his mother. But If we divorce I will fight for custody with every fiber of my being. It will be intense. Scorched Earth policy. I will ruin her life. If She try's and takes my son. It's game on. And it's a game that she will lose. Badly. 

So that's my early, early sunday morning in beautiful so cal. How's yours. Advice needed. Please.


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## TimesOfChange

You're in shock now, that you "seem" to be so calm is a normal reaction.
You feel anger now but that anger might subside soon and once that happens she'll try to get the better of you, telling you all kinds of excuses.


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## ChknNoodleSoup

First, I'm so sorry. Second, I kept wanting to fight my jerk stbx for full custody for a long time after I found out. Turns out I was being protective of my little one because. I felt he'd betray him the way he did me. So forget about custody now and focus on the affair. Make sure you have screen shots or print outs or something of all of that stuff. Hide it well, talk to a lawyer and see what your rights and options are and if infidelity plays a role in CA divorces. It doesn't where I am sadly. 

You can do two things, you can expose them both. I would want him poor wife to know. But you have to play it well. Then when you confront your wife, make sure you have all the evidence so she cannot deny. Hear her out but don't let her get to you. She'll probably say things like you drove her to it, etc. my stbx still wants me to 'declare and accept my part' in his affair!!!! 'No matter how mad you are, never declare anything to her. Not about custody and not about anything other than you want a divorce. I messed up in that area. 

This is going to suck for a while, be strong, eat and don't drink alcohol much since it's a depressant. It would seem like a good idea but avoid it. Keep things normal for the kiddo. He's old enough to understand things now.

Good luck! I'm sure many on here will have [better] advice too.


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## Headspin

Shvt

Okay my friend the only good news you've got right this second is that fortunately, very fortunately you are here on this site.

Despite your terrible reason for being here this is one of the best things that will ever happen for you.

Here you will get an unbelievable amount of the best advice you could ever get.

We have been where you are and got the t shirt and there are many many of us and we have sadly become experts in dealing with infidelity. There is nothing about it that we as a collective do not know about this so ask away 

You will get info on getting still more info to confirm even more and you will get a lot of what amounts to sound legal and importantly emotional advice 

You may not even like some of the advice you get but trust me it will have been all for your benefit

Sorry you are here BUT you are amongst friends

Good luck with it


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## Chaparral

The first thing to do is break up the affair. You do that by exposing the affair tofriends and family, hers , his and yours. My first call would be to his wife.

DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE DOING IT. DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. And make sure you have copies of proof where no one can get to them. Its best if you can talk to his wife before just before you confront your wife.

Are they telling each other they are in love?


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## TheFlood117

Thanks for all responses. I'm fairly sure that I hate her. and I will be maneuvering for Divorce. I have all photos saved- on local and off site locations. Also, I think I want to serve her d papers at work. I want to ruin her as much as possible. So I'm gonna wait till monday to start things thru. Hopefully, I can hold out. We gotta go to her parents house for anniversary dinner tomorrow. Not ours. Theirs. They've been married 28 years, lol. Looks like we'll fall short of that mark by a few. 

I'm glad my friend told me about this and sites like it. Hopefully it will help. This is really ****ty. 

And I will be exposing the d-bag to his wife. That is a fact.


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## Chaparral

If you can't talk to his wife before you confront your wife, do not let her know you are going to.

Do not leave your house, she is the cheater, if anyone leaves its her, by herself.

It is extremely important that she quits her job if you do not want to divorce.


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## TheFlood117

@ chapparal

I will tell his wife before I confront her if I can. But I kinda want to shock the sh!t out of her by serving her at work in front of the d-bag hopefully. This guy. What a punk. Little b!tch, I'd like to have 2 minutes in a room with this guy with no consequences. But I'm not gonna do anything physical to him. I could wreck him but I won't. And it's my wife who's more at fault than him anyway's.

There is no way I could be with her. I'm not that forgiving. I think I could have maybe. Maybe. Forgive or accept if it wasn't so sexual. But she sucked his D!ck. That's just too much. Some things just stick you know. I'll never respect or love her the same, even if I did take her back. She's changed things forever. I gotta get out. And take my boy with me. She's damaged and broken. It's done. Our love is ashes. Now it's only the after math. She cheated me out of our marriage. She will not cheat me out of my son's life. Never. Going. To. Happen.


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## MovingAhead

The Flood,

First I am sorry you are here. I really am. I haven't been on here in a bit as much as I have because I am now getting more custody of my children than I was able to get before.

You can choose D or R. You will probably be able to and will choose D or R at least 100 more times before its over. There is no wrong decision. You wife chose infidelity. You choose how you want to be treated and if you can ever get those pictures out of your mind and find peace. Believe me you will get to decide so many more times before this is over. You may change your mind or you may not. Talk to a lawyer ASAP!

Don't focus on custody right now. Focus on gathering evidence. Focus on exposing the affair. That is important.

Now let me give you some bad news. You may want to wreak devastation in her life because that is what she did to yours but you will be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

With custody, Adultery is no reason to grant child custody to either in many states... Colorado just took it off the books. The courts many times don't look at that. They don't equate being a bad spouse with a bad parent and separate them. They decide what is in the best interests of the child, not what is morally right and they don't care if she was smoking a small pecker or not. 

Now lets say you both make 100,000$ a year each just as a nice round number. If you get her fired and you still make 100,000$ and now she makes 0$, she can go after you for child support in a big way. Before you won't have to pay, now you will pay through the nose...

What you need to do is plan to separate all your finances, determine if you can afford where you live now on 1 salary. If not, sell the house or have her buy you out. If it's divorce, now its business... I had to have my lawyer make some decisions for me because I was hell bent on not bending but it made no sense to do that so I went with her better judgement. Extricate your emotions from this process. Figure out what you want to do with your life and make a plan as to how you are going to get there. Do NOT let your emotions dictate your actions if divorcing... they will hurt your more often than not. Be smart. You don't have to be right, just be smart.


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## MattMatt

So you hate someone you knew as a friend and lover for a quarter of a century? Sadly, under these circumstances, that's natural.

However, reconciliation might be possible. However, I knew that my wife and her OM had had sex. But seeing videos and images of her and him having sex? Not sure I could have reconciled after that. At least not without a lot of very deep counselling.

Maybe counselling might help you? In fact, go for it, even if you do not intend to reconcile, as it might help you to get over the betrayal.


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## Robsia

I'm so sorry. I have no advice, I'm new here myself, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position.

I'm not sure I could have coped with seeing pictures. Just knowing they did it is bad enough.

I have no words


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## Jasel

Sounds like you're going about this the right way. Sorry this happened to you. Man it seems like this **** happens waaaayyy too much, you would think people would stop doing it especially considering the potential consequences they face:scratchhead:


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## Ovid

In some ways seeing the pictures is better, because you are not left to imagine what happened. It is still more brutal.

If you want to D, or R the steps are the same. The only thing that changes is your decision.

Steps 
0. Confront. Do not reveal your source. 
1. Do the 180 starting immediately.
2. File for D and let her get served. No warnings.
3. Expose the A. Make sure his POSOMs W gets a full account.


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## Jasel

Ovid said:


> In some ways seeing the pictures is better, because you are not left to imagine what happened. It is still more brutal.
> 
> If you want to D, or R the steps are the same. The only thing that changes is your decision.
> 
> Steps
> 0. Confront. Do not reveal your source.
> 1. Do the 180 starting immediately.
> 2. File for D and let her get served. No warnings.
> 3. Expose the A. Make sure his POSOMs W gets a full account.


This. Although I'd file and have her served before confronting.


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## Remains

Can I reitterate, DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. If you know u want divorce, still DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. This advice is paramount. Whether you divorce or not, your sources must be protected, for either your future in R or her future with a 2nd unsuspecting husband.

What is in your favour is you looked for evidence before confronting. Now you have it, be prepared for either her tears, minimising, denial, blaming you and so on. Or that this is an exit affair. If it is an exit, be prepared for her AP to drop her the moment his wife confronts, and for her to come running back to you.

Now, situations like yours are not irrecoverable, but it all depends on what you want. And more importantly, how she deals with all this in the aftermath. Whether you want divorce or R, she should be truly remorseful and offer any and all conditions for a future that is positive in whichever path you choose.

It sounds like you don't want R, but be prepared for huge swings in your emotions. Hate, followed by love and sorrow, and hate. The best thing you can do, imo, is inform the OMW, confront your own wife, expose to all necessary parties, and then go dark (after kicking her out). See what transpires. In her actions and in her words. Actions obviously speak louder though.


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## BobSimmons

Sorry to you, to you and the little man. Do what you have to do but be careful about wanting to destroy her, she is your son's mother after all and that's for life, at some point he's going to need his mother.


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## JCD

First off ACT NATURALLY! Find a cover story to explain why you may not be acting totally regularly, but do your best! You want to take her by surprise.

Second, consolidate your treasured items. Think hard about what you would want to take with you if you had to leave. They might not be expensive or important things, but they are yours! I, for one, have this little antique measuring cup that means the world to me. Get that stuff put away someplace safe WHEN you start to lower the boom.

Third, WHEN you lower the boom...see if there is an alienation of affection or mental stress lawsuit you can also tack on...so BOTH can be served at work! Doesn't matter if it sticks. You just want to be able to serve the son of a b*tch at the same time as your wife. Everyone else will be able to connect the dots JUST FINE. Management will sit up and take notice.

Fourth, have a LONG talk with the Lawyer. DO NOT GO CHEAP ON THE LAWYER! YOU are not a good judge of what is possible or desirable. However, recall that the lawyer wants to make HIS job as easy as possible. YOU need to direct him (Forcefully) to represent YOUR interests. So if you want to go after him and he keeps pooh poohing you, tell him where the bear sh*ts in the woods. He either drops you or he does his frigging job!

Do NOT make a decision without waiting for three days. She's been fvcking him for three weeks already. Instead come down with an intestinal bug so sloppy seconds aren't on the menu. Have a good friend be able to call you at the last minute for a fake emergency if she seems frisky. Unlikely but there you are.

Put a Voice Activated Recorder under her seat in her car. Make sure it doesn't make any beeping noises. See what that brings up.

Watch your finances! See if she's about to do a runner! Have a little sheet with all your CC numbers and phone numbers already centralized for easy calling (you probably will be using that)

Set up another account using your middle name as a first name. Or use your son's social security number. They might not think to look under that. If you trust your parents, use an account THEY set up with you as a person with access. This is so when necessary, you can switch your direct deposit or cash your check quickly and easily with HR.

If her phone is under your name, be able to cancel it at a moment's notice.

Find a courier service. That is the easiest way to hand deliver the message to the OM's wife. Have them call in advance at her home or work to establish her whereabouts. So look up the phone number and address as best you can.

See if you can get a copy of her companies' employee handbook to see if there is any leverage there. Don't necessarily USE it...but it's good to know.

On a personal FU, until she is served, if you sold some of her valuables on EBay, it's joint property...just saying...

I would definitely talk ALL her lingerie, cut it up and toss it in a dumpster far away. Ditto sexy clothes to Good Will. Leave her 5 pairs of granny panties (old stains for choice) and beige bras. WORN beige bras...

So...on The Day
Send a courier to the OM's wife

Have them served

Send a package to her parents and family who MATTER to her.

Block her calls for two hours (send the phone number of your wife to the OM's wife...just as a courtesy) and let mom, dad, OM's wife and family all get in touch with her...

then shut down her phone, block her facebook, and change the password on her email...

Fun fun fun. Not satisfying in the long term...but it has it's amusements.


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## Married in VA

Flood,
I am sorry you are here. You now are part of a club that you did not want to join. The "normal" you are feeling is normal. You are in shock. Imagine your worst fear just happened right in front of you in real time. It is like being in a fox hole with artillery shells exploding near you. In the military we call it shell shock for a good reason. The mental processes are the same. It will wear off. Right now is NOT the time for decisions on child custody and divorce. That will come later when the time is right. You want revenge and blood. I hate to tell you that you will probably never get it. The best revenge you will get after all of this will be living a successful life without your spouse while her relationship with the OM implodes.

Okay, so now what to do(There is a list of things somewhere on here for the newly betrayed, but here is my version):

1. Don't move out of your house. This is the single biggest mistake men make when confronting a cheating spouse. The fastest way to lose custody and divorce is to move out. The court will think you have abandoned your family. If anyone moves out, it is your cheating spouse and she does so without your son. If you desire divorce, you will want to encourage her to move in with the OM so you don't have to pay spousal support. 

2. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) on your person at all times. Your wife will want you gone eventually and the fastest way to do that is with false domestic violence charges and a restraining order. No evidence is required for her to get the order. Her simply telling the judge she is afraid of you is all it takes. Yelling is considered domestic violence in almost all 50 states. Your recorder will exonerate you if this happens.

3. Separate your finances. Open your own bank account and have your pay checks go there. Take ALL the money you have earned from joint accounts and move it into your own account. Close all joint credit cards and make minimum payments for now. Save your credit rating, you will need it later.

4. Document everything. Keep a journal of your time with your child. Be the better parent. If she wants to go out and party, be happy and let her go. She is doing you a favor. STAY ON GOOD TERMS WITH YOUR STBXW. 

5. Go to IC for yourself to help you deal with the shock and pain.

6. Joint a gym and start working out. Exercise helps you take your mind off the situation, helps you live longer, reduces stress, gets you in shape, and gives you a higher sex rank.

7. Read Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay to figure out why your wife is seeking her dopamine rush from another man instead of you and implement the MAP right away. 

Now for the affair part:

Talk with OMs wife and show her the photos. Do this is soon as possible. YOU DON'T WANT TO GET YOUR WIFE FIRED FROM HER JOB!! She needs to be self-sufficient or you will be paying VERY HIGH spousal support and child support. Keep the financial damage to a minimum. 

The courts don't really care about adultery in regards to child custody. You would have to show she is unfit and that time with her is not in the best interest of the child. That is not likely to happen. 50/50 is pretty much the going norm nowadays going into the custody discussion and you need some strong evidence to sway a judge away from that. Given you are a male, that's not likely to happen. Your evidence will best be used to avoid spousal support and to get a better property settlement. 

Take care of you, expose the affair, deal with court and divorce later. Protect yourself from false DV charges as well. Your wife made a decision to cheat, now it's time for consequences.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Do not forget to get TESTED for STDs.

Do it THIS WEEK! *Your son needs a healthy **dad*; ignoring possible health consequences would be very unwise.


.


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## Ovid

Married in VA said:


> Flood,
> 
> 1. Don't move out of your house. This is the single biggest mistake men make when confronting a cheating spouse. The fastest way to lose custody and divorce is to move out. The court will think you have abandoned your family. If anyone moves out, it is your cheating spouse and she does so without your son. If you desire divorce, you will want to encourage her to move in with the OM so you don't have to pay spousal support.


Very important you remember this


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## Numbersixxx

When you confront her, make sure you carry a VAR. It's for your own protection. She may act desperately and try to save face by putting some bogus domestic violence charges against you. In this case you would be guilty until proven innocent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GJfromCAN

Flood,

So sorry you're here. I don't have much to offer you except to say I know your pain. I found pictures of my xW as well. Bloody horrible. The only positive is that it removes the uncertainty. Small consolation.

You'll get a lot of caring and helpful advice here. Try to be strong for you and Boss Hog.


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## ThePheonix

The shear stupidity of people documenting their get togethers never ceases to amaze me. Many of these "memoirs" end up published on the internet.
The bad news is you need to get rid of her, unless you want to see a constant overlay of her extra curricular activities every time you look at her. The good news is that women are relatively easy to replace. (to be fair, so are men) There is really no reason, (despite what they say about kids) to be saddled with a woman who carved your heart out and that you can never trust again. 
Well, maybe her loyalty would make an excellent role model for your kid.


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## Acabado

Lawyer.
STD tests.
Serving her (it's you confrontation) and exposing to the betrayed wife at once.


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## tacoma

I'd have her served and on the same day expose to the OM's wife.

One big nasty nuclear strike should rock the very foundations of both their worlds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

did you read the newbie link?


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## the guy

Don"t for get to talk to the lawyer about naming OM in the divorce.

You also might be able to sue OM so ask about that ...I;m thinking alienation of affection or distress...even if the lawyer thinks its bogus I still would phuck with him just so he can get served at the same day as your WW.

Also look into emergency custody that will prevent your son from being pulled out of his home until visitation and formal cutody can be established.


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## verpin zal

Flood, talk to us. Are you ok?

As others said, no revealing the source. No warning before the papers arrive.

So far so good.


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## Will_Kane

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this yet, but if you are going to go nuclear on her, it might be a good idea to *keep a voice-activated recorder on you to prevent any false accusations from her.*


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## Acabado

Will_Kane said:


> I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this yet, but if you are going to go nuclear on her, it might be a good idea to *keep a voice-activated recorder on you to prevent any false accusations from her.*


:iagree:


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## TheFlood117

Alright, I got a few minutes of alone time. She's outside playing with my son. Acting like things are just normal and peachy and we're the perfect little family and she's the perfect little wifey and mommy. Makes me sick. 

All these responses are terrific. Thank you guys. I too appologize that we're all here cause we married lying, cheating Wh*res, but I know I'm strong enough to handle this. And I will. I have VAR's around the house. Had them put in about 2 weeks ago. Check them almost daily. I got VAR's in both cars. But I haven't checked hers in about a week. Do I even want to at this point? All there could be is more pain in it. 

I don't make 100 grand or anything like that a year. My profession is more about saving lives and running into burning buildings, when most people run out of them. But maybe that's why she's cheating, so she can move up in the world. Dumb C*nt. I'm going to do everything that you guys have told me about exposure. Scorched Earth Policy. I'm still really calm. But angry but in adequate control. I perform well under pressure and this is the most emotional pressure I've ever been in. So I guess in the next few weeks, we'll see what I'm made of. Trial by fire, I guess. 

Thanks again.


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## Stonewall

I'm familiar with your profession Brother. Just remember when your chest starts singing, you don't have much air left. You are in a surround and drown situation here so know when to get the f**k out.


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## TheFlood117

Stonewall said:


> I'm familiar with your profession Brother. Just remember when your chest starts singing, you don't have much air left.




Haha, no sh!t right. We just got a FNG in the house and we gotta coach him up good. Hell, he deserves more attention that my WW. She's such a loser. I'm watching her now through the kitchen windows playing with my son. Better sulk it up Mommy of The Year. Not gonna be many moments like this in your future. 

Thanks bro.


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## TheFlood117

Here she comes. Gotta go, have to get ready for her parents dinner. Check ya all later. I hope everything goes normal at this thing. Pray for me. Got this sucks.


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## verpin zal

Ok, calm down even more already.

Your patience suggests as to the resolve you possess, keep up the good work until D. Never stop recording, and don't get caught. (That is highly unlikely, unless you don't keep calm and allow your suspicion to show.)

Do I see another future Shamwow out there?


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## Subi

wow. I often ask myself why God kept from us the ability to precisely know what is on the other persons mind. Wow wow.....some women are really a work of art.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

1. Destroy the affair
2. To of that, on the same day - exposé to the OM wife and to the manager/owner of the real estate company
3. Post OM on cheaterville.com, that way when clients look him up on google they will also find he is a cheating rat
4. Exposé to family and coworkers
5. File for D.
6. Go dark on your wife for 48 hours. 

Only then actually talk to your wife.


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## phillybeffandswiss

You are calm, but very angry. Whatever you do, do not confront in front of your son. Do not bad mouth her to your son. Vent here, call her all kind of angry words here, but do not bring your child into it.

Sorry you are here, but whatever you decide make sure YOU and your child are the priority.


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## Openminded

It's a tough situation to find yourself in. No doubt about it. One which most of us have been in, unfortunately.

But TAM is a wonderfully supportive place and you will find all the help you need from others who have been in your shoes. Listen to them.

Praying very hard for you. And your son.


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## Louise7

JCD said:


> First off ACT NATURALLY! Find a cover story to explain why you may not be acting totally regularly, but do your best! You want to take her by surprise.
> 
> Second, consolidate your treasured items. Think hard about what you would want to take with you if you had to leave. They might not be expensive or important things, but they are yours! I, for one, have this little antique measuring cup that means the world to me. Get that stuff put away someplace safe WHEN you start to lower the boom.
> 
> Third, WHEN you lower the boom...see if there is an alienation of affection or mental stress lawsuit you can also tack on...so BOTH can be served at work! Doesn't matter if it sticks. You just want to be able to serve the son of a b*tch at the same time as your wife. Everyone else will be able to connect the dots JUST FINE. Management will sit up and take notice.
> 
> Fourth, have a LONG talk with the Lawyer. DO NOT GO CHEAP ON THE LAWYER! YOU are not a good judge of what is possible or desirable. However, recall that the lawyer wants to make HIS job as easy as possible. YOU need to direct him (Forcefully) to represent YOUR interests. So if you want to go after him and he keeps pooh poohing you, tell him where the bear sh*ts in the woods. He either drops you or he does his frigging job!
> 
> Do NOT make a decision without waiting for three days. She's been fvcking him for three weeks already. Instead come down with an intestinal bug so sloppy seconds aren't on the menu. Have a good friend be able to call you at the last minute for a fake emergency if she seems frisky. Unlikely but there you are.
> 
> Put a Voice Activated Recorder under her seat in her car. Make sure it doesn't make any beeping noises. See what that brings up.
> 
> Watch your finances! See if she's about to do a runner! Have a little sheet with all your CC numbers and phone numbers already centralized for easy calling (you probably will be using that)
> 
> Set up another account using your middle name as a first name. Or use your son's social security number. They might not think to look under that. If you trust your parents, use an account THEY set up with you as a person with access. This is so when necessary, you can switch your direct deposit or cash your check quickly and easily with HR.
> 
> If her phone is under your name, be able to cancel it at a moment's notice.
> 
> Find a courier service. That is the easiest way to hand deliver the message to the OM's wife. Have them call in advance at her home or work to establish her whereabouts. So look up the phone number and address as best you can.
> 
> See if you can get a copy of her companies' employee handbook to see if there is any leverage there. Don't necessarily USE it...but it's good to know.
> 
> On a personal FU, until she is served, if you sold some of her valuables on EBay, it's joint property...just saying...
> 
> I would definitely talk ALL her lingerie, cut it up and toss it in a dumpster far away. Ditto sexy clothes to Good Will. Leave her 5 pairs of granny panties (old stains for choice) and beige bras. WORN beige bras...
> 
> So...on The Day
> Send a courier to the OM's wife
> 
> Have them served
> 
> Send a package to her parents and family who MATTER to her.
> 
> Block her calls for two hours (send the phone number of your wife to the OM's wife...just as a courtesy) and let mom, dad, OM's wife and family all get in touch with her...
> 
> then shut down her phone, block her facebook, and change the password on her email...
> 
> Fun fun fun. Not satisfying in the long term...but it has it's amusements.


Remind me to never p1ss you off:smthumbup:


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## walkonmars

You are doing remarkably well. Your training (and the evidence) are your biggest assets atm. 

After she is served and wants to talk - just let her know that you know she's actively in an affair. DO NOT tell how how you know OR what you know. 

First she will deny. You just shake your head and call her a liar. Tell her the OM's name. 

Next she will minimize and say it was a mistake - and only emotional. 

If she finally confesses to the physical affair it's almost a given that she will point to you and your "emotional distance" (or maybe you just forgot to put the toilet seat down in 2007) but you will be blamed for her "mistake". 

By her words you can judge her level of deceit. 

Stay calm. You have received advice from some of the best on this site - and it's all good advice.


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## ing

Whoaaaa.. Slow down.
Your adrenalin is pumping. Your in massive shock. The person you most loved in your just betrayed you. 
In some ways it is good to have seen the photos. In other ways it is bad. 

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

The OM will tell her all sorts of crap and after 28 years he is going to feel like a real winner. She will believe it. She does believe it.

As soon as you reveal to her that you know all about it demand immediate disclosure of everything. See what happens.

Go see your Doctor. I suspect your getting very little sleep and you know that this effects judgement. The most important thing you need to do is stay healthy. Your job RIGHT NOW is to be the best dad you can be. 
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE


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## walkonmars

Flood, 

You are not alone. Here is a thread started yesterday by one of your FD brothers. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70055-wife-cheated-i-dont-know-what-do.html

Oh, I guess you can withdraw her entry in the "Wife of the Year" contest.


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## happyman64

Flood

I hope dinner went smooth.

Vent here for now until you nuke her at work.

Everyone has given you good advice.

Don't forget if you expose her and the OM try to do it all on the same day and let his wife know and her family know.

And I think serving her at work is perfect. That way their coworkers will have a good idea of what is going on as well.

Keep your chin up Flood.

HM64


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## southernsurf

TheFlood117 said:


> Here she comes. Gotta go, have to get ready for her parents dinner. Check ya all later. I hope everything goes normal at this thing. Pray for me. Got this sucks.


praying for you, and i know how you feel. Keep in touch and vent here. Good luck.


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## TRy

TheFlood117 said:


> Here she comes. Gotta go, have to get ready for her parents dinner. Check ya all later. I hope everything goes normal at this thing. Pray for me. Got this sucks.


 You have enough evidence. Why are you waiting to confront until after she has been served? This is not a game. There is no advantage to having her find out by being served. In fact it denies you the satisfaction of first confronting her face to face, which is something you really need to do. There is also a very good chance that it will take at least a few days to file. Take action now. Do not wait.

1) Tell her that you know about the affair and that you are filing for divorce.

2) Leave the house after you tell her that you will be back but that you need to leave to cool off for a bit. Have evidence hidden with you.

3) Without tipping your hand, drive over to the other man's house and talk to the wife. If you cannot drive over call her. Tell her about the affair and show or tell her about your evince. Tell her very little about how you got the evidence.

4) Call the lawyer and have him file ASAP, and have him serve her at her work. Do not tell her that you will be serving her there.


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## brokenhearted118

Flood, I give you so much credit for keeping your cool. When I discovered my H's affair, I was only able to hold it in for 35 minutes. I was boiling, so just keep focused and keep your eye on the prize (You & Your Son!) I am so sorry you are facing all of this, but in the 2 months I have been on here, you seem to have the "best of the best" chiming in on advice and plans of action. Wishing you better days ahead!

P.S. There are many threads on here from others saying to watch her body language when you do confront. I forget the exact details, maybe others can post those suggestions. I wish I had been prepared with that info instead of getting the gaslighting I received. Oh well, knowledge is power!!


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## RWB

Flood,

When you confront, don't expect her to "come to Jesus" and tell all the truth, do expect her to TT, minimize, and plead for mercy. What BH118 says about Body Lang is very correct. 

When I confronted my cheating wife, I only knew of the last affair, nothing of the years of cheating prior. However, when I pressed, of course she lied, minimized, TT, but I had stopped listening to lies and watched her eyes, her hands, her feet. It was that obvious she was lying now. See, a person under extreme stress can control the words coming from their mouth, but the natural reflexes of lying (eyes looking down, hands clinching) happen automatically. 

You are likely to see and hear the unbelievable... I even got the "Old Hand on the Bible" lie. I remember looking at her like "Seriously".


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## Chaparral

If you show the pictures to OMW there is a good chance she will divorce him. If you just out him it is likely he will throw your wife under the bus to save his family.

If she divorces him, there is a good chance he will become your sons step dad. Just think about what you want.


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## daffodilly

TheFlood117 said:


> Yeah, I too now join the ranks of the guy with the cheating wife. The looser.


Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this, but hell, you are NO LOSER! Frankly I'm in awe of the smart and controlled way you are handling this....I stupidly became an angry emotional basket case and confronted immediately when I found out my exH cheated...I'd handle it so different if I had TAM back then and knew what I know now.

Hope you survived your dinner. Just remember you are definitely not the loser. Can't say the same about your wife, though. And thank you for putting your life on the line for others every day you go to work.


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## PHTlump

Sorry for your pain, TF117.

What I recommend is that you see a lawyer ASAP. Run your plan by your lawyer. And see several. Find the one that is right for you. Then, run your plans by your lawyer. Make sure you're not doing anything to sabotage your case. Sometimes, people here will recommend something that may feel good in order to embarrass your wife, or the other man, but will be viewed dimly by a judge.

As others have said, the best revenge is getting a good judgment for you and then showing your wife that you don't need her.

Check out Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com for good information. Also, start running a 180 on your wife.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## JCD

PHTlump said:


> Sorry for your pain, TF117.
> 
> What I recommend is that you see a lawyer ASAP. Run your plan by your lawyer. And see several. Find the one that is right for you. Then, run your plans by your lawyer. Make sure you're not doing anything to sabotage your case. Sometimes, people here will recommend something that may feel good in order to embarrass your wife, or the other man, but will be viewed dimly by a judge.
> 
> As others have said, the best revenge is getting a good judgment for you and then showing your wife that you don't need her.
> 
> Check out Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com for good information. Also, start running a 180 on your wife.
> The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> Good luck.


Yes to the divorce attorney.

No to running the 180 (outwardly) UNTIL you are ready to expose. If you start now, you will tip her off that all is not right in her happy carefree world, and that will make her skittish and unpredictable. 

If she thinks you are about to lower the boom, you could find your bank accounts and your son's room both empty...or with her arranging some sort of restraining order. Or hit YOU with divorce papers.

So...ACT NATURALLY...divorce her only in your heart until she is served. The exposure PLUS the 180 might be able to shake her loose from this affair...if that is what you want.

But it doesn't sound like you are Reconciling so...


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## lewmin

Hey TF117. I could so totally relate to your story. I was (still am) married for 27 years and my wife was also in real estate and screwing a married co-worker with 3 kids. It seems that realtors have too much time on their hands and affairs are rampant in that field.

Anyway, I made some mistakes when I intially found out and this site helped clarify things. You have proof (so did I), so if you know the other wife, just show her the pictures of your wife doing oral on this guy. Bring some tissues with you because she will likely need them. Do it now.

So your wife, the cake-eater, and this guy right now thinks they have a great thing going. They probably made plans to run off together some day. Now, watch how fast this turns. He will most likely drop your wife in a second to save himself. He will throw your wife under the bus and say she was the intitiator. Doesn't matter -this will likely end the affair.

However, everyone in the real estate community/or at least the office should also know. That way, the possibility of taking it underground will be harder.

Although you are in shock now, this other person's wife will soon be in the pain you are in and your wife will be in shock and in a fog when this is revealed.

One more thing...upon exposure, your wife or the other realtor must immediately transfer the license to another office. No if, and, or buts on that one!

Good luck to you. Don't make any rash decisions until everything is exposed....it's too new right now.


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## survivorwife

daffodilly said:


> Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this, but hell, you are NO LOSER! Frankly I'm in awe of the smart and controlled way you are handling this....I stupidly became an angry emotional basket case and confronted immediately when I found out my exH cheated...I'd handle it so different if I had TAM back then and knew what I know now.
> 
> Hope you survived your dinner. Just remember you are definitely not the loser. Can't say the same about your wife, though. And thank you for putting your life on the line for others every day you go to work.


:iagree:

I also wish I knew of TAM upon discovery of my WS's affairs, however I have learned that, trusting one's gut is a good first step and instinctively followed much of the advise given here without even knowing it at the time.


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## Kindone

Very sorry TheFlood117. I am also new here so I can't offer any advice. The only thing I will say is please stay with this group you will receive some good advices and great support. Everyone is so helpful. Good luck with everything.


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## ing

chapparal said:


> If you show the pictures to OMW there is a good chance she will divorce him. If you just out him it is likely he will throw your wife under the bus to save his family.
> 
> If she divorces him, there is a good chance he will become your sons step dad. Just think about what you want.


This is really important. Your first aim is to kill the affair because of this. 
This is done with exposure and a little time.

Expose the affair. Do this now. Don't wait to hit her with the Divorce papers. They will both go into damage control and the world they have created in their heads will collapse in on them.
In a perverse way it will be quiet amusing to watch it..

He will attempt to dump her back on you AND continue the affair. 
He will deny the affair to his wife.
She will deny it to you.

You do not have to do any more than inform his wife in a brief to the point, non-emotional letter or phone call

The Divorce procedure can follow but to protect you and your child you need to expose it BEFORE the divorce papers.

I have full custody of one kid and 1/2 of the other..


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## jnj express

Hey Flood---1st --calif--has a set scale that each spouse will get in a D---we are a no--fault state
2nd---go to google, and type in Calif. Family Codes, and read everything---you will know all there is to know

Calif does not have alienation, or crim conversation---you can file a Intentional Infliction Of emotional distress suit agst---her lover, one action for you and one action for your child

Stay strong, and if you mean to D---just do it, and don't back down---why live in misery---your son, will adjust and be fine---stand tall


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## CleanJerkSnatch

First off, sorry you are here. You are a smart man.

Get yourself plenty of ascorbic acid, aka vitamin c, DAILY to cope with the stress hormone, cortisol.

When I read your story even I felt a hit, I can't imagine the affect those pictures had on your mind and emotions of rage. Hopefully that rage will soon turn into pity for your wife having done such a shameful thing to the family! Don't let the rage overcome you, use it constructively, waste it, don't nurture it.


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## LostAndContent

How we doing Flood?


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## CleanJerkSnatch

LostAndContent said:


> How we doing Flood?


What is your status?

Don't kill anyone.


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## lordmayhem

Maybe he's playing Halo to calm down a little.


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## Kindone

Hope you are ok Flood? Please stay with us.


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## tom67

Kindone said:


> Hope you are ok Flood? Please stay with us.


Yes come back and vent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal

Mmm a great disturbance in the Force, there is. A nice update, I see coming.


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## TheFlood117

Everything's alright guys, thanks for asking. I'm doing about as good as one can expect after seeing pics of the woman you love blowing another dude. Yeah. I've been talking to 5 attorney's these past 2 day's. Having my crew cover for me. Their support is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Truly brothers tested in fire. I love them. I will be exposing the affair via serving wife D-papers at her work. Then hopefully with some careful timing exposing to d-bags wife. Poor woman, I can only sympathize with what she will go through. I'm torn between showing her pictures or not. I think I just want to give her messages- but if she needs more, I will. But the text messages are graphic enough. Again, I'm going to get through this. With support from my crew, you guys and my family I will be a stronger and better man, not that I needed her affair to make me a stronger man, but I will come out of this on top,

Again, I want to say thank-you to all of you. I will try and post more, but for now I just want to focus on my son and spend lots, and lots of time with him. Thanks.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Take your time and update us on YOUR schedule. You, your son, friends and family come first.


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## TheFlood117

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Take your time and update us on YOUR schedule. You, your son, friends and family come first.




Thanks, will do. My son is the most important thing in the world. He's truly a gift.


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## azteca1986

Spare the OMW the pictures, unless she's determined to see them. As you say, the texts should be enough.


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## arbitrator

Flood: Just seeing those pics alone screams for the "nuclear option!" Make sure that you have printed the pics and the conversations for your lawyer. Execute "the 180," if you haven't already done so. And file pronto and get temporary custody of that beautiful son of yours! You and him both deserve so much more out of life.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but truth be known, if I would have suspected my STBXW of being in an illicit relationship much earlier, I wouldn't begin to doubt that she had pics there also!

Sorry to see you here, but you certainly came to the right place here at TAM. Best of luck to you, my friend!


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## TheFlood117

azteca1986 said:


> Spare the OMW the pictures, unless she's determined to see them. As you say, the texts should be enough.



I agree, unlike her, and this is just an assumption but I was basically in the mindset that my wife WAS cheating on me at least emotionally, and when she stopped having sex as often as we normally did, I knew it was more likely than not going physical. But, seeing pics of your sl*t wife banging and sucking another man was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. I have an incredibly strong stomach and am used to seeing really horrific things that human beings have happen to them, but seeing those pics actually made me sick. So no, I will not show her the pics.


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## Chaparral

You need to find a counselor that has plenty of experience with infidelity and PTSD. Please do not delay, this should be your number one priority.


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## TheFlood117

I gotta jet guys. Thanks again for all your support and advice. Stress and pressure sucks, but it's always brought the best out in me. So hopefully I'll come out the other side a better and tougher man. I've got to admit, I have my doubts sometimes if I can hold up, but then I look at my son and my will and resolve hardens- I will be better and I will not give in. He deserves to have a great father and a happy father. check ya all later.


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## barcafan

TheFlood117,


I don't know you but I like you already. You are handling this like a F**KING *BOSS*. Keep at it and you will come on top. 

I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope truly hope that you get custody of your son because you sound like a stand up guy, unlike your wh0re of a wife.


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## victarion

My heart bleeds for you man. I'm astounded by how seemingly composed you are, composure will serve you well in the coming months. Best of luck in coming out clean on the other side, it's a rough ride. Glad you have some real friends to lean on at work. Honestly, you seem to be thinking much more clearly than most in your shoes at this point, keep it up!!


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## terrence4159

just got on your thread flood and i am so so sorry, dont worry about your son he is still young and will be fine as long as you 2 stay civil. i had a young son when my wife cheated on me and he is 9 now and a normal kid (stayed civil with my XW and we had 50/50 custody now mor elike 75/25 in my favor)


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## victarion

Exactly what I was think Barc, like a BOSS!


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## keko

You're handling it very well considering you've seen pictures of your beloved wife doing a "service" to another man. 

Plan your exposure ahead of time. If I were you, I would contact the OM's wife right when your wife is served with divorce papers. It is possible for the posOM to tell his wife "a crazy jealous husband of my coworker might call you and tell you lies" etc. 

Bring the pictures with you to her but do not show them to her unless she asks for it. Some cheated on spouse's want to see them, some don't. Some may not at first, but may ask for them few days later.

You should also do a thorough exposure to your and your wife's family and mutual friends, either in person or through phone calls/emails/texts soon after she gets served with divorce papers. Keep the convo short and on point, tell them she's been cheating for some weeks and you'll separating because of it then ask for their support in these rough times. It is very possible some if not most may not believe the lovely daughter/sibling/cousin/friend of theirs can do such a horrendous thing so bring the pictures with you in case they want to see it. Telling the truth will set the story right so your wife wont try to spread lies and make you an abusive, controlling, insecure husband to them. You'll be connected to them through your child, so them knowing the truth right away will be better on the long run.


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## old timer

Keep your bearings, flood...you're right on course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123

Flood you are ahead of the game. You will be fine. It will just take time.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

TheFlood117 said:


> I agree, unlike her, and this is just an assumption but I was basically in the mindset that my wife WAS cheating on me at least emotionally, and when she stopped having sex as often as we normally did, I knew it was more likely than not going physical. But, seeing pics of your sl*t wife banging and sucking another man was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. I have an incredibly strong stomach and am used to seeing really horrific things that human beings have happen to them, but seeing those pics actually made me sick. So no, I will not show her the pics.


God, I would show her the pics. I would get the divorce and then as you are leaving right after the judge signs the papers, I would hand her a manilla envelope with the pics ... and just leave. You don't need to stay.


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## Robsia

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> God, I would show her the pics. I would get the divorce and then as you are leaving right after the judge signs the papers, I would hand her a manilla envelope with the pics ... and just leave. You don't need to stay.


Completely disagree. This woman has done nothing wrong, why inflict that pain on her?

Tell her what has happened. If she does not believe you, tell her you have pictures. Then, ONLY if she asks to see them, show them to her. Don't just shove them at her and run away.


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## Shamwow

Flood - Ride the adrenaline. Stay confident in your hand in this situation, calm and confident (on the outside at least). Nailing your WW to the wall will bring satisfaction and pain...but know as long as you're acting out of self respect and common sense, you won't regret anything down the road. I'm coming up on two years of when the insanity fell, and life is so...much...better. Listen to these folks. You're doing great, but there's a long road of ups and downs coming. Just know you're handling things, and handling them well. Keep it up. Sorry for your loss, but you have a new life to get to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow

Robsia said:


> Completely disagree. This woman has done nothing wrong, why inflict that pain on her?
> 
> Tell her what has happened. If she does not believe you, tell her you have pictures. Then, ONLY if she asks to see them, show them to her. Don't just shove them at her and run away.


AGREED. Tell her you have the proof, textual and visual. If she demands the visual you give it to her...she deserves the truth in whatever form she requests. She's in your shoes, just perhaps with less info/proof. Send her the texts, but tell her you have pics, and that they're very graphic and painful but she can see them if she needs to. She will not hold you accountable for that, she'll thank you and go up against her d-bag H with confidence and the upper hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostAndContent

Estimated day of exposure?


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## MrQuatto

Shamwow said:


> AGREED. Tell her you have the proof, textual and visual. If she demands the visual you give it to her...she deserves the truth in whatever form she requests. She's in your shoes, just perhaps with less info/proof. Send her the texts, but tell her you have pics, and that they're very graphic and painful but she can see them if she needs to. She will not hold you accountable for that, she'll thank you and go up against her d-bag H with confidence and the upper hand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also consider the possibility that omw may go into denial. Many do and it's her choice to make, right or wrong.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Robsia said:


> Completely disagree. This woman has done nothing wrong, why inflict that pain on her?
> 
> Tell her what has happened. If she does not believe you, tell her you have pictures. Then, ONLY if she asks to see them, show them to her. Don't just shove them at her and run away.


I misunderstood. I thought he meant not showing the WW the pics, not the OMW ... hence, waiting until after the D.


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## livinfree

Sorry you're here Flood you are holding strong brother.

If you choose divorce:
Be the first at all things, get your son and yourself into counseling and start working with his teachers at school and the schools guidance counselor.

Initiate action with your son and his world, take the reigns and be the man, the father (no doubt you are but brandish the part).

Make lists of witnesses, names addresses of all your sons parents and caretakers, doctors, dentists, all their names and numbers.

Keep all receipts and evidence of you and your sons activities. You need a paper trail of proof that you are primary caregiver in his life.

#1 journal everything you do with him nightly, email it to yourself a word doc with dates is not admissible. Emailing to your self is. Establishing a pattern of your wife's behavior (AWOL) and yours (active) is important.

The journal is not to bash her but to prove you are active and prominent in your child's life.

Wish you well sir and thank you for your service.


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## walkonmars

Flood,
Listen to livinfree. He came out a winner in the long run (like shamwow) you will too.


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## turnera

So...you are divorcing, no question, right?


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## arbitrator

Flood: I don't know what state that your domicile is in, but for God's sake make sure that it's going to be in an "at-fault" divorce setting. I should know as my STBXW's prenup, here in Texas, has all but painted me into a corner, in that I cannot use any of the massive compendium of evidence that I have thusfar accumulated to use against her, unless of course that she decides to sue me for community property priviliges, and at the same time, opens up her massive assets to judicial scrutiny.

Provided that you opt for a "no-fault" setting, then all of the evidence that you have thusfar accumulated won't be worth a "tinker's damn," as it is largely irrelavent in that type of hearing.

Just make good and sure that you afford yourself an adventageous playing field inasfar as meting out this divorce of yours is concerned!


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## old timer

I think OP is in California, arb.


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## crazyace

Dear Flood , I simply admire your gut and your grit. It is really difficult to put up with all, knowing that your wife is cheating on you and cheating her children ... I hope you are OK ! and continuing to do well ...


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## Kallan Pavithran

Prepare yourself to deal with crocodile tears, epiphany of undying love for you, how OM wronged her, how your actions lead her to OMs Dik, How she fall accidentally on OMs dik and how it entered accidentally in her ***** and mouth.

Get ready to deal with blame shifting, rewriting of your marriage history and making you a horrific person.


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## KanDo

Flood,

Have you arranged service of your WW yet? Are you doing OK?


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## MattMatt

What's happening, Flood? Have you shown the POSOM's wife the evidence? Served them, yet? How are you?


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## just got it 55

Hey Flood
I have read many posts of men in your position If I were one of them I would be curled up in a corner in a fetal position. Many are in such denial it seems pathetic .But to them it is an abyss of pain and disillusion.
But you my brother are a FREEKIN ROCK STAR. I am so proud of you and your strength. You do what you must to get you and your son’s life on track.
All the best
D


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## maincourse99

Seems like OP has left the building.


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## daffodilly

maincourse99 said:


> Seems like OP has left the building.


He seemed to really have his sh!t together. Likely doesn't need TAM! Hope everything works out for him.


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