# A slow death from a malignant marriage..



## polliwanna (Feb 11, 2011)

Greetings all. I am new to this scene but old to marriage. This year will mark 27 married years to a man I have not loved for over a third of it. I have reached that stage in a failing relationship where I immediately want a divorce at the slightest argument. I don't want to be with him but terrified of being by myself. Ergo the 27 years. 
If you don't mind me letting go of some of this pent up frustration, I would appreciate your time. From the start we never had that passionate, mind blowing "I love you" kind of thing. Even the kisses have never been full of passion. He always had a difficult time putting me ahead of anything else. Several times when going out, I would have to ride with one of his brothers while he rode with the other one (2 seater cars). What the hell was wrong with me? Why didn't alarms go off then? I thought he would change. More years went by, then we married. We eloped and during the entire evening of our wedding night, he insistently hit on the maid of honor. Great memories.
He was not a good father. He had very little interest in either of my pregnancies, much less the kids after they were born. Yes, there were some moments to be cherished. But they are so overshadowed by the not so great times.
I was responsible for any and all romance in our marriage. I arranged nights out, I planned exciting surprises for him and I was always looking for ways to make him happy. I would love to know how that feels.
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks beer starting from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed. He drinks nothing else. Just beer. We are constantly arguing about conversations we had yet he swears we never did. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. His days off are spent on the couch watching tv and drinking beer.
What drove me to seek a chat group was the latest incident. Since early in our marriage, my husband has consistently either agreed for us to do something, make a major purchase, get a dog, you get the idea. Every time I fall for it. I am suckered in because I am longing to feel so special to someone that they want to treat me like, well, a goddess. And yet every single time he rips the rug out from under me, either claiming he never agreed to that, or he agreed at the time to shut me up. 
I hate being here. I hate myself for wanting to leave for so many years yet too afraid to leave. I don't want to be alone. But is living like this better? Aren't I already living a separate life from him? Please, what do I do?


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Living with an inattentive spouse for 27 years is sheer torment. You have stayed way too long in that situation and you should get out immediately before you waste any more precious years of your life. You might as well be in prison. Your kids are surely grown now and out of the house, so what's holding you back? If it's fear of being alone...well, you are alone now, so it couldn't be any worse.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

polliwanna said:


> Greetings all. I am new to this scene but old to marriage. This year will mark 27 married years to a man I have not loved for over a third of it. I have reached that stage in a failing relationship where I immediately want a divorce at the slightest argument. I don't want to be with him but terrified of being by myself. Ergo the 27 years.


Wow. I can relate.  In the past few years we had some great times but that's gone now. I'm still in love with a memory of what my husband once was and am trying to deal with what is. I'm trying to come to grips with this. 

But I'm not afraid of being alone. I like that I'm separated now but still want my husband to be my friend and lover. Don't be afraid to be alone. It's far, far better than being with someone you've grown to hate. I'm glad for my own place. It's become my sanctuary and it's keeping me sane. I highly recommend it. 



> I was responsible for any and all romance in our marriage. I arranged nights out, I planned exciting surprises for him and I was always looking for ways to make him happy. I would love to know how that feels.


With the exception of a few fleeting months that's how it's been for me. I take it your valentine's day is going to stink too. Glad I'm working on Monday. 



> My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks beer starting from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed. He drinks nothing else. Just beer. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. His days off are spent on the couch watching tv and drinking beer.


My alcoholic husband drinks rum mixed with soda or orange juice. He smokes too...constantly. He walks around with a hacking cough. His days are spent on the porch, even in the freezing cold, sitting, staring, brooding ... drinking and smoking.

He's getting to the point where doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I was the only person who would get him up and out. I'm about given up trying to recapture our good times. They are gone, just like the man I once enjoyed being with. 

So yeah, I feel your pain.  I Don't spend the rest of your life in misery. I don't intend to. 

Being lonely in a marriage is far worse than being alone. Trust me on this.


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## polliwanna (Feb 11, 2011)

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I know that you are all right in the fact that I am wasting away here. You know the really sad thing? Knowing the level to which he drinks, I was really hoping that it would have killed him by now. How sick is that? I suppose just that statement alone speaks a thousand unwritten words of how I feel. 
How do I survive outside of this? I haven't worked in three years. I am turning 50 this month and with the economy and high competition for jobs, do I really have a chance? I just want someone to come in and say Cheryl, pack your stuff, we are getting you out of here. Oh, bring the four dogs. That's another issue. I have four dogs. That just puts another four turns to the screw. HELP ME!!!!!


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

Im sorry for you both, for me, and all others in this situation. It's so lonely.
Wouldn't it be great to be rescued?! That rescuer will have to be you though. I'm sure you already know this. I know this is true for me as well. It can just feel so overwhelming-how to do it, staying on course, how to provide for self, splitting assets, paperwork, then kids,..... I am 16 years married and 15 years of being a SAHM. I cant even imagine what I could do. I'm not qualified for anything anymore.
You can do it though. Keep reading here. So many strong people who can help guide you and have had a similar situation and are doing better. 
I know i will be in your shoes at 50. My children would be devastated, delicate ages (15,12,10) and so I feel I have to remain for now. I hate that I am beginning to see the next 8 years as a way to prepare for life on my own. It seems wrong on many levels. I just keep praying to God for some kind of transformation in him and me and to help me keep a soft and open heart in the process. 
You are 50 years young! Rid yourself of your cancers, or treat them. Whatever your choice, best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Here's what I discovered after my divorce. I was happier having a lower standard of living and being free than I was having all of the marital assets and being miserable. Even if you have to get a minimum wage job and rent a tiny efficiency apartment for the time being, it will be an improvement. And you can rebuild your life from there. Believe me, once you are liberated, you will begin to feel so much better about yourself and the renewed self-esteem will empower you to accomplish much more with your life...go back to school, get job training, etc. The options are limited and you're only 50...you're still young and you have the luxury of not having to worry about any kids. The hardest part is taking that first step.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You're only 49???? Woman, you can have the world at your feet! You lack confidence. That's understandable considering where you've been the last 27 years. Once you take that first step, then you're going to have minor (and major) accomplishments and you're going to wonder what took you so long. Just being able to breathe is going to be renewing. 

Look at it this way...you've been through so many challenges and ups and downs living with the person you have. You've made allowances and sacrifices and you survived 27 years with him. There is nothing on your own that's going to be worse than what you've already been through. The only difference is that the challenges you face will be you doing so without an albatross around your neck. 

It's going to mean taking that first, very hard step. Once you take that first step, the ball starts rolling. I had decided I'd rather live alone the rest of my life than spend one more second in my marriage. (was married 20 years) I had to take time to screw my head back on straight, but I never regretted my decision. My only regret was that I waited so long.


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## polliwanna (Feb 11, 2011)

WOW. I appreciate the encouraging words so much. And you are right! I am ONLY 49. That's only half my life. I have a full second half left which I can now consider "my do-over". I am looking into counseling. He will never go, but that's his choice. This is for me. We are temporarily sharing a car, that was another big fight last week. If he doesn't find a car very soon, then I will start renting one until he does. That should provide enough inspiration to find one. Tired of being left at home because he feels that I have no reason to need a car. What is this the 60's? 
Funny how when things are put into perspective the picture changes. I have dealt with a lot in the past 27 years and there's not too much I can't handle now (that's the spirit!). I know it all hinges around my self confidence' or lack there-of.
I love this post and I am so happy that I found it along with some friendly new advocates. Thank you for the support.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

polliwanna said:


> My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks beer starting from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to bed. He drinks nothing else. Just beer. We are constantly arguing about conversations we had yet he swears we never did. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. His days off are spent on the couch watching tv and drinking beer.


We live with an addict so long that we lower our bar of expectations to the point that the bar is six feet in the ground. There is no such thing as a "functioning" alcoholic; it is an oxymoron. They are emotionally unavailable, blame everyone else for their problems, are immature, selfish, and booze is KING. Everyone and everything else runs a distant second. That's not my idea of functioning. 

Of course he swears you never had conversations ... he may appear to be functioning because his alcohol tolerance is probably pretty high. But the boozing causes memory loss and/or blackouts.

You don't own his addiction. It's on his side of the street. Get counseling for yourself. Get support. Go to Al-Anon. Go to church. All you need is to get back the self-confidence he has torn down over the years. 

There are worse things than living alone.

You can live with a mean-spirirted, self-serving drunk.


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## polliwanna (Feb 11, 2011)

You are right. It's easy to refer to him as a "functioning alcoholic" because he gets up every morning, dresses himself and goes to work. He manages to hide the effects of his drinking from his co-workers and business acquaintances. But he is never sober. He never gives himself time enough between drinks to become sober.
I really just need to push through my fears using the the same strengths that I have relied upon to get me through these past 27 years. I plan to seek counseling this week and I have already begun going back to the gym. I told him Friday that HE needed to find a car because I will not be left here without transportation any longer. Even if it means that I have to rent a car. That will get his attention, surely, because of the cost.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Myopia1964 said:


> Here's what I discovered after my divorce. I was happier having a lower standard of living and being free than I was having all of the marital assets and being miserable. Even if you have to get a minimum wage job and rent a tiny efficiency apartment for the time being, it will be an improvement. And you can rebuild your life from there. Believe me, once you are liberated, you will begin to feel so much better about yourself and the renewed self-esteem will empower you to accomplish much more with your life...go back to school, get job training, etc. The options are limited and you're only 50...you're still young and you have the luxury of not having to worry about any kids. The hardest part is taking that first step.


I second this. Once I made up my mind just to do it, and face my fears, my fears receded and OVERWHELMING RELIEF was--and is--my primary feeling. Yep, I'm financially strapped. Yep, I still have to worry about my kids (and what their father may choose to do). But I'm free and in control of my own life. I am making plans to protect my financial future, I have faced the reality that things beyond my control may happen--but that was ALWAYS the case, and I was facing 'em alone in my marriage, anyway. 

So, if all you lack is courage, quit waiting for it. Because courage is doing something IN THE FACE OF fear. Remember those immortal words of FDR, "All we have to fear is fear itself." It's a strange thing, b/c the more willing you are to live with fear, the less likely you are to be fearful (at least, in my experience). 

It also helps to remember to worry only once--when something actually goes wrong, rather than worrying as you *anticipate* what might go wrong. This has saved me a lot of wasted energy! 

Good luck and God bless.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

polliwanna said:


> .
> I love this post and I am so happy that I found it along with some friendly new advocates. Thank you for the support.


Not a problem!  This forum has been extremely helpful in that I am realizing that I'm NOT alone. I've been working so much that getting counseling or going to Al Anon has been difficult. I get up at 6 am to work out and get my kids off to school and then it's 8 solid hours of work and my work is of the physical kind. At the end of the day and on weekends I just want to relax and have fun so I find that this website has been valuable in that you are NOT alone. There are others in the exact same situation. It really helps.


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## polliwanna (Feb 11, 2011)

Sorry all - I have been unbelievably ill. Feeling better physically, but emotionally a **cking mess. Have to seek help for this state of mind or die trying.


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