# Advice Needed as I am not thinking straight



## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

i have been married 18 years and it has been a rather difficult marriage with more downs than ups, tantrums and arguments if things don't go his way. This year things got really bad for me as I had to cope with one too many things coming at me from different directions. Since last year I was bullied and ignored at work and isolated until a senior partner seeing me upset asked me to raise a grievance which worked out in my favour but I left in April although I should have left long ago. My husband likes me to work part time so that he pays the mortgage and bills ( he earns three/four times more than me) and I can pay for everything else and this way he can spend on gadgets, meals with friends etc., so he encouraged me to stay on. I was on beta blockers for anxiety eventually when I decided to leave and was very depressed. soon after I was offered a temping assignment where they asked me to work permanently. When i forgot to pick something up from work he started shouting at me (as this meant he would have to on his day off and interrupted him watching his TV series back to back). He then said I was stupid to forget, that I was lying that I forgot, this is why I was treated the way I was in the old workplace and the same would happen in the new job too. I couldn't believe the vitriol coming out of his mouth just because I forgot something. He then bough take away for himself and the boys, didnt ask me if I wanted anything. I was very upset and called him a bully and sobbed my heart out that night. 

he kept palming more expenses on to me saying check the accounts there is no money including asking me to pay for our family holiday since it was "my idea" and then bought himself an ipad on buy now pay later terms. which meant we were going to be stuck next year too paying for more gadgets (while we had two idling samsung tablets!) before this I suggested that if he is stuck all the time we should remortgage the hose and start buying and selling cars as he was suggesting we try for another child (although we were always stuck). We remortgaged the house and then he gave me his car which is a much better one than the one I had and bought himself one with finance to pay on top of it. I was annoyed and very depressed about all of these things and was quiet for a couple of days and he was furious and didn't know why I was upset. So I emailed him explaining all of the above and saying that after what happened at work etc I was been very depressed and suicidal. He completely ignored this. On his days off he would chose to not do anything at all or do just the dishes or one chore and sit the rest of the day while I work and do the 99 left. 

I put our son to sleep and asked him to give me a hand with the tidying up, he refused. Then I asked if he could go to the shop to get somethings for the packed lunch for our son, he refused. then I said to him that after our older boy finishes his GCSE we should go our separate ways, that I can't cope with this attitude. He said do whatever the hell you like, I can't stand to see your face or hear your voice, now get **** out of my sight...something snapped inside of me and I couldn't bear it anymore that I ran to the kitchen sobbing I dont want to live anymore and was reaching for anything i could take while he restrained me..I was struggling to wriggle free and in the struggle slapped him I think and was so upset hurt that nothing mattered. He has hit me and been physically aggressive to me in the past but I never have. I was at the end of my tethers. He then started shouting at the top of his voice saying this is domestic abuse, I am calling the police, I wont live with a woman who abuses a man and so on...for a good five minutes or so this went on and then he calls NHS helpline saying he has blurry vision and that it was my hand or elbow. They then send an ambulance and subsequently the police and social services were also involved. I explained what happened and they dropped the case. He had also called my GP and said that he was frustrated at home that I was physically aggressive towards him, that I am erratic and maybe bipolar.

I was to leave but was also conscious of my sons exams. He said we could live separate under the same roof and if things don't work out in three months he will find someone else. He later said he only said this in anger. Now my husband says he had nothing to do with it escalating so far, he never called the police etc., that I am his life and he wants us to try counselling and fix things. we went for one session and he has not followed through since. Instead trying to make it up to me he has now joined a gym to lose weight and weight loss supplements and as soon as he comes home has his dinner and spends 3 to 4 hrs at the gym and with friends. The day before I said how is it that you are so tired to help out or do anything with the kids but manage it at the gym, then he did help out more than usual and its back to the gym again. It is really hard living like this and I dont know what to do or if there is another way about this?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Have you contacted an attorney to learn your rights and responsibilities in a divorce? If not then this is the first thing you should do as soon as possible. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

When I said I want out he called his sister and asked her to arrange an attorney and then her son had told my 15 year old who was sobbing away. He then comforted him saying we are going to work this out etc., My son has mock exams and is taking his GCSE's at the moment..I am very conscious of this. I have also known my husband since I was 19 and he is the only person I have known..I feel drained and it feels easier to just let things be than upset anyone...there is something seriously wrong with me


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You two do not have a marriage, at all. 

Maybe there is something wrong with you. But there is also a lot wrong with your husband. And how he is treating you could go a long way to explaining much of what is wrong with you.

You two need to be apart, and not interacting. You cannot interact in a civil way so you should not interact at all.

I think saving your own life will be the best thing you can do for your son. Trouble is you will think staying in a highly dysfunctional relationship where both of you are driving each other crazy is in some twisted way supposedly better for him. It is not, but you will somehow convince yourself it is.

Get out of your marriage. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and the best thing you can do for your son.

Will you? Probably not. Sadly.

I do wish you well.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

You are reflecting my exact thoughts on "will I ever leave?" Apart from my children, he is the only family I have got. My mother is sick and is always busy to take on or to share my problems. The rest of my family are not in UK and I couldn't count on them anyway. 

I don't have the energy to put into working this out anymore and I also know that things won't change but at the same time I don't have the energy to leave either. I have lost the will/spunk to do anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you are in a fragile state, you need to take this one step at a time. Start by taking care of yourself and your son.

You have a full time, permanent job now, right? So that's good.

I suggest that see your GP to get on medication for depression. See if you can also find an organization that helps victims of domestic violence. Your husband is abusive and you need help to find the strength to get through this.

Look at the 180 link in my signature block below. this is how you need to be interacting with your husband from here on out.

Now after you see your GP, get a counselor and start the 180, you then need to see an attorney about starting a divorce.

One step at a time.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

Thank you EleDirl for the advice and the links, I did have a job but had to leave because I couldn't cope and also had problems with childcare. I am going for resilience counselling but I am a little sceptical about antidepressants.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ralk said:


> You are reflecting my exact thoughts on "will I ever leave?" Apart from my children, he is the only family I have got. My mother is sick and is always busy to take on or to share my problems. The rest of my family are not in UK and I couldn't count on them anyway.
> 
> I don't have the energy to put into working this out anymore and I also know that things won't change but at the same time I don't have the energy to leave either. I have lost the will/spunk to do anything.


Then maybe its time you turned yourself into an inpatient treatment center for a time. You need to be able to get your feet under you and some wits about you. Because I can tell you this... either you get out of this marriage, or you will be abused by this man for the rest of your life.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Life is too short to be spending it with a man that treats you like this.
You have probably put up with this type of behaviour so long it seems like your new normal.....it isn’t ...it’s abusive.

You have to take care of you....your children need you....they have probably already seen and heard too much.
Local shelters offer no charge counselling for abuse victims....do this for you....you’re going to need some help to get through this.
Granted you slapped your H which is wrong....but you were provoked.
I think the only thing wrong with you is your self esteem and dignity has been beaten down and you feel hopeless.

Antidepressants may be a temporary need to get you back on track....not forever

There is lots to live for....but not with your H....he’s already sucked the life out of you.
Leave and make a better life for you and your kids....it can happen....your future can be bright.....your kids are counting on you.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

Cma62 yes i do tend to find excuses and it does feel normal. reading your response made me well up...it is all true..

I later ask myself if I could have done things differently to avoid this kind of behaviour. If I should stop relying on him and get on with it as best as I can, which is what I do most of the time. I do feel hopeless and drown in self pity most of the time. I feel like I have failed in many ways... thank you for your advice and clarity..


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

I have dealt with hundreds of women in essentially your position. You need support, and you need it now. And I don't mean from strangers on the Internet. You need people who understand what's happening, are there to help, and who have the resources to help. 

Are there not what in the U.S. are often called "women's centers." Places that concern themselves with women (and men) who are abused or are threatened with abuse and need to understand themselves, their situations and their options and provide the resources needed. If you don't immediately find a listing, the police can give you the number. They will have a close working relationship with them. If Google doesn't lie, I see you can call 0808 2000 247.

This guy knows how to push the right buttons to deflect attention to you. And it's working and will continue to work so long as you don't know how to stop it happening. He will take you as far as he thinks he can. They he will give you some relief and then go to work on you again. It's an old, old story. No one who works with this stuff will be even mildly surprised. And I'm not going to say it will end in a tragedy. But I will tell you that it is exactly like any number of stories that did end in the most terrible tragedies from which no one involved will ever recover. 

Call. Now.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I agree with the other answers here that you need to get out of this marriage. While I can't speak for certain, it seems to me that your husband wants out of the marriage but does not have the stones to tell you. He is deflecting and crazymaking to make you crack. And the gym? Your husband is looking for a new woman. He is selfish - he has been using you to set up a comfortable life for himself. Anything you do that requires something of him (need him to contribute to the housework, need his emotional support, etc) results in him getting nasty. That is because he does not see you as a partner. He sees you as a means. Rather, he did. Now he sees you as an obstruction to his new life, an the nastiness with get worse.

Get out. Follow the advice in 180 as given by another responder. It's great advice. You can not rely on this man. Any attempt to will bring insults and anger. 

Good luck to you. This is not going to be easy, but life will be much better on the other side.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> I have dealt with hundreds of women in essentially your position. You need support, and you need it now. And I don't mean from strangers on the Internet. You need people who understand what's happening, are there to help, and who have the resources to help.
> 
> Are there not what in the U.S. are often called "women's centers." Places that concern themselves with women (and men) who are abused or are threatened with abuse and need to understand themselves, their situations and their options and provide the resources needed. If you don't immediately find a listing, the police can give you the number. They will have a close working relationship with them. If Google doesn't lie, I see you can call 0808 2000 247.
> 
> ...


Yes. This. In the UK, each county has provision for this, with what are called IDVAs. And refuges. 
You can also talk to RELATE for advice, but that is usually not free.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Don't look down the road, look directly in front of you. One step is all you have to take right now - just one! Don't think past that step , just take the step. Pick up the phone and make that call. One step - take it!! You can do it!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This man is pure toxicity and selfishness.

If I were you, and since he doesn't seem to want to be married to you anyway, I suggest you petition divorce citing unreasonable behaviour. 

It was intended for a situation such as yours (abuse). It I has become intolerable to live with him and the marriage cannot endure. You must petition within 6 months of the last event (fight or other emotionally abusive event). 

Go speak with a solicitor today.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This man is violent and abusive. I would have left the first time he hit me. What sort of picture of marriage is this giving the children?


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

NickyT said:


> I agree with the other answers here that you need to get out of this marriage. While I can't speak for certain, it seems to me that your husband wants out of the marriage but does not have the stones to tell you. He is deflecting and crazymaking to make you crack. And the gym? Your husband is looking for a new woman. He is selfish - he has been using you to set up a comfortable life for himself. Anything you do that requires something of him (need him to contribute to the housework, need his emotional support, etc) results in him getting nasty. That is because he does not see you as a partner. He sees you as a means. Rather, he did. Now he sees you as an obstruction to his new life, an the nastiness with get worse.
> 
> Get out. Follow the advice in 180 as given by another responder. It's great advice. You can not rely on this man. Any attempt to will bring insults and anger.
> 
> Good luck to you. This is not going to be easy, but life will be much better on the other side.


he is definitely crazy making with the tantrums and the mixed messages. he says he loves me, wants to go for counselling and he even said I love you, you are acting like a fool holding on to this and not moving on to make things work. that i should go back to our room (we are in separate rooms now). I think he is confused. I think he suffers from some sort of behavioural problem. I don't think I have mattered though in this relationship. He is egocentric to love anyone else.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ralk said:


> he is definitely crazy making with the tantrums and the mixed messages. he says he loves me, wants to go for counselling and he even said I love you, you are acting like a fool holding on to this and not moving on to make things work. that i should go back to our room (we are in separate rooms now). I think he is confused. I think he suffers from some sort of behavioural problem. *I don't think I have mattered though in this relationship. He is egocentric to love anyone else*.


You are correct.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

Diana 7, I thought the damage coming from a broken home did to my brothers and impact of a chaotic life of living in two homes, having to deal with step mothers, fathers, siblings would be far greater and things are not always rosy the second time around, I have seen it and experience it as a child and still go through it as an adult. life is never perfect. I was protecting them from all of that. I talk to them and tell them that my husband and I aren't the perfect example of a married couple. I tell them that when they are married they have to be respectful to their wives, that they should be a team and work together, be loving and kind and supportive etc., I tell that how we are as people is determined by the choices we make everyday and to make a conscious decision to be kinder and better than we are. My older boy sent some of his birthday money to an orphanage last year. If I am stressed he would help sometimes with the chores but with his GCSE's around the corner I don't expect too much from him. They both are very loving caring boys despite our relationship. Children are more exposed to the world, educated and resilient than we think.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ralk said:


> Diana 7, I thought the damage coming from a broken home did to my brothers and impact of a chaotic life of living in two homes, having to deal with step mothers, fathers, siblings would be far greater and things are not always rosy the second time around, I have seen it and experience it as a child and still go through it as an adult. life is never perfect. I was protecting them from all of that. I talk to them and tell them that my husband and I aren't the perfect example of a married couple. I tell them that when they are married they have to be respectful to their wives, that they should be a team and work together, be loving and kind and supportive etc., I tell that how we are as people is determined by the choices we make everyday and to make a conscious decision to be kinder and better than we are. My older boy sent some of his birthday money to an orphanage last year. If I am stressed he would help sometimes with the chores but with his GCSE's around the corner I don't expect too much from him. They both are very loving caring boys despite our relationship. Children are more exposed to the world, educated and resilient than we think.


 Their dad is violent towards you, that is not acceptable. Most of the marriages in my family have broken up, but staying with a violent abusive man isn't better, its worse.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

Yes, I agree, he has been violent in the past, I did want to leave but he promised he would never do it again. The last time he hit me was 8 years ago and I told that if he did that again I will leave. It has not happened since. I agree that it is not the nicest environment for kids when we argue which is why I try to do my own thing, focus on the kids and get on as best as I can when I am thinking with my head and not stressed or emotional and it is peaceful when I just get on with it. But I know there are two people in this and I should be able to rely on him. There is no consistency, team work, poor communication, lack of support and understanding etc., at the same time weighing out the good and bad, my brothers have lived with us for five years or so with him supporting them through unemployment and so on, he is responsible at work and pays the bills, he always says a prayer and kisses me before he leaves the house... 

You are right, the emotional abuse has brought me to where I am, so it is worse in someways but I am also very afraid of the unknown. I have to think of the boys. What kind of a future can I give them? I can't lose them. Also what kind of people will we bring into their lives. My step mother was wicked and abusive to my bother that he carries this with him to date... also I have invested 23 years of my life, I am too fragile at the moment to make a decision, I think I will consider counselling at relate, have an open mind and see what comes of it. It will also give me time to think and sort my emotions. I want to know I have tried everything before I give up x


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ralk said:


> Yes, I agree, he has been violent in the past, I did want to leave but he promised he would never do it again. The last time he hit me was 8 years ago and I told that if he did that again I will leave. It has not happened since. I agree that it is not the nicest environment for kids when we argue which is why I try to do my own thing, focus on the kids and get on as best as I can when I am thinking with my head and not stressed or emotional and it is peaceful when I just get on with it. But I know there are two people in this and I should be able to rely on him. There is no consistency, team work, poor communication, lack of support and understanding etc., at the same time weighing out the good and bad, my brothers have lived with us for five years or so with him supporting them through unemployment and so on, he is responsible at work and pays the bills, he always says a prayer and kisses me before he leaves the house...
> 
> You are right, the emotional abuse has brought me to where I am, so it is worse in someways but I am also very afraid of the unknown. I have to think of the boys. What kind of a future can I give them? I can't lose them. Also what kind of people will we bring into their lives. My step mother was wicked and abusive to my bother that he carries this with him to date... also I have invested 23 years of my life, I am too fragile at the moment to make a decision, I think I will consider counselling at relate, have an open mind and see what comes of it. It will also give me time to think and sort my emotions. I want to know I have tried everything before I give up x


My husband is an amazing step dad to my three now adult children and they think such a lot of him. Many step parents are great.
Why are your brothers living with you? That will put more stress on the marriage. How old are they?

Have you suggested some long term marriage counselling together?


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

I am happy for you...I am 43 now and wouldn't have a clue on how to leg it alone...but it comes to that I will, but this is where I am at. He has suggested marriage counselling to me and we had one session. We will be booking a few more and want to see what comes out of it. My brothers were with us five years ago. They are on their own now. One lost his job and house and lived with us for a while then got married and that didn't work out either after 4 kids. The other is 30 and married twice..both relationships failed. one due to his insecurities and the other his wife found someone else..they come to me when they are down. My sister has seen too much of the negatives and is happy to be single.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You could go to IC for the next year, and he still isnt going to change, sorry to say. But if you think you need to do that to push you out, then I guess that's what you do.

Oh, and you CAN make it on your own.. you've been doing that the whole time you've been married, you just dont see it.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

You are probably right 3xnocharm, he probably would't but I owe it to the kids and myself so that when I look back on this I know I tried everything before I give up. Also I need to build myself up and heal, I need time...thank you all for your very supportive words and for sharing...it means a lot...I don't feel so much alone and also it helps to know that I am not going mad and it is not all me..


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