# I thought married couples had sex?!?



## isthisit (Feb 19, 2010)

OK, so I have been married for five plus years now and have been with my wife for about eight. Like most relationships while dating and up until the birth of our girl we had sex every day sometimes three times a day. I knew that over time the sex would slow down as I had been married once before. The trouble is that it hasn't just slowed down I'm lucky if we have sex once every couple of months. Things were already bad sex wise before we took a vacation to Mexico, one would think a nice five day trip to a beautiful beach resort would perhaps get the juices flowing. But not only did we only have sex one time while on this trip, to make matters worse when we arrived back home my wife was insistent that our three year old sleep in our bed for "just a few days" because she missed her so much. I told her this was a bad idea knowing it would be hard to get her out once she got in. Long story short I didn't want to cause an argument and so I reluctantly agreed. That was two and a half years ago and she still sleeps with us every night. As bad as our sex life was before this trip (once a month at best) and that was only what I thought of as pity sex to shut me up. Now we have gotten to the point that we will sometimes go two months or more and my wife just doesn't seem to care. I have tried the nice approach of honey I love you so much what can I do to help this situation. She has even talked to her doctor about this and he gave her happy pills because he thought she was just to stressed to get in the mood. No matter what we have tried the story remains the same. She tells me that all I think about is sex, as if I'm a pervert for wanting what all men not only want but need! At this point because our child is still in our bed we don't even have a chance to cuddle, to "spoon" if you will it has become rare if we even kiss goodnight. I love my wife and adore my daughter but I'm to the point that I'm questioning what am I doing here? What is in this marriage for me? Because I travel three day's twice a month when I'm home my wife is insistent that I spend my weekends with them. I rarely see my friends and have become a shell of my former self. I consider myself an above average looking man, dating was never a problem for me and I still get hit on from time to time but always blow it off. Sorry for such a long post but it's a complicated issue. Thanks in advance for advise.


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## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

I'm in the same boat. We haven't had sex since the end of November. The only difference is that my wife has told me she doesn't have feelings for me. Ask your wife if she still loves you. If she says yes, be grateful. While sex is important, it shouldn't ruin a relationship. Tell her how you feel about it and if you can't get through to her, suggest you go to a counselor and see what they say. It might be better for someone else to explain to her that men need sex at least once in a while.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Funlovingdad is right! You cannot be the one to explain this to her as she will resent you. 


If you want to go down that path be very careful of word choice like "Remember when we used to have sex like rabbits? [pause] Do you ever think about those days or want some of that back? [pause] (she may say at this point somehting like she is too tired and busy and the daughter in the bed... etc)... so you can respond "yes, our daughter needed us, she seems to be thriving (if she is) and yet I think about htose days and wish we could recreate it somehow, do you have any thoughts? {pause]

or:

send the kids to grnadmas at a time when you know she doesnt have any other commitments and when she walks in the door surprise her with a candle light dinner with flowers and wine and when she is relaxed simply make you move on her very romantically... come up behind her and kiss the back of her neck, then turn her around and kiss her again... tell her you think about her and all she does for your family and what a wonderful mother she is (all the while kissing her in between words) and it makes her so attractive to you that its been a while and you just cant help yourself. Then, whatever you now she likes, do them and do them well... you are on stage and are seeking an invite back! DOnt make it about the intercourse that you crave this time... go with whatever she is willing to do, and keep doing what she is willing to do for a few more times and then someday she will want to do what you want. 

I personally like option number 2 because its less talk and more focus on making new positive experiences together...


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

sounds like she used your daughter as a reason to not have sex need to find out why... yes do ask the questions maybe since the birth of your daughter she has the feelings im a mom i don't do that it is dirty... or maybe there is pain or lack or feeling there since the child was born...? and she don't want to say so...

even bigger could be hormons do change some women after birthing.. some get hotter some well turn cold it could be not liking her body after the baby to i'm a mom feeling i talked about before..

sounds like you two had the connection and i can't beleive you let a few nights turn into even months let alone years... draw a line with that and get that child back in her own bed it is best for her it may take time like i will lay with you till you fall asleep and then i will leave... don't let wife do it or she will end up sleeping in that room and then you are no better off... well i guess you would have the bed to yourself..?

communication... i had it the other way around my hubby well shut down sex wise after our 4th... and i could not figure it out.. we talked and the 4th was c-section and he had a hard time getting that out of his head...and even after the twins... he just enjoyed holding me and stuff.. we got him to the dr and well high blood pressure and a few other things were also hindering his thoughts of sex... were still working on but working on together... that is key


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## isthisit (Feb 19, 2010)

Thanks for the advise. I may have over stated the importance of the sex issue. While it is important to me I also understand their are other more important things. Yes our duaghter is thriving, she is quite happy and is doing well above average when it comes to school (pre-k). 

For the most part my wife and I get along well. We have the occasional argument as do all couples. Again I love her and I know she truly loves me. She is a wonderful woman, she works full time keeps our home spotless and is a great mother to our child. 

As for a trip to Grandma's house that is not an option for us. My wife was born and rasied in Italy and her parents still live there. My parents are older and not much help at all. They have their own issues. So that leaves friends or nieghbors and as I said earlier I dont see my friends much at all. The reason for this is that since the birth of our girl my wife has also become very anti social which limit's our recources when it comes to babysitting. This is another source of friction between us. I used to be a very sociable person with lot's of friends and hated to just hang around the house. We do get out but only as a family. We go to the mall on the weekends, take our girl to the park or to see a show. Again though it's just us three all the time. 

The problem I'm having now is because this has gone on for so long that I'm to a point that even though I love my wife I dont see her in a sexual way even though she is a very attractive woman. When she does kiss me goodnight or hello from a day of work I feel like I'm kissing my sister. I know that sounds strange but that's the best way I can describe it. The last time we tried to have sex I couldnt get an erection. My mind wont let me go there. I know I dont have any issues in that department I'm only 41 and can take care of myself quite well, if you know what I mean. Lately I have found myself doing more looking at other women and getting more aroused by the thought of some fantacy that I know is wrong. I'm affriad that if a situation presents itself I'm going to have a weak moment and act upon it. I know it's wrong but that's were I'm at.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Well, why didnt you say so? Im glad you posted this as it will help get to the real root. SO the lack of sex is a symptom not the problem... the problem on your side is this: 1) not enough alone time with wife 2) dont desire her as a lover anymore. 

Cant work on her stuff because she is not posting, but can try to help YOU with YOUR stuff. You could try to figure out what made you lose that desier for her in a sexual way (see her as a mom now more than lover), and try to figure it all out or you could just decide that you now know and make a concious effort to behave differently until you start having amorous feelings again... ever heard of "fake it until you make it?" Act as though you are lusty for her and then you may start to feel it.

Resources are difficult with your limitations... but you will need to find a sitter soon. She is in pre-k? Ask at school to see if they have any volunteers who babysit after hours... my kids preschool had teachers who babysat to make extra money. Also, your neighborhood has to have some babysitters... I know you say you dont get out much... so pick up your community directory and call the civic association or homeowners association and ask if there are babysitter referals. Seriously, do your homework. Since you are limited you need to do the legwork... otherwise you will wake up in another 10 years and realize all that time you wasted feeling this way.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Well dear, it looks like you are in a place where you need to set some firm boundaries. Refusing sex is emotional and physical neglect of your partner. 

Obviously you shouldn't just "give it up" just because they want it, but for health reasons, men should have sex three times a week - so should women for that matter. It lowers risk of cancer, heart disease, helps with stress. 

Sometimes it's reasonable to bow out for the evening if you don't feel well or are too tired, but sometimes you gotta take it for the team too, so on average three to four times a week is only fair to be expected.

Honestly, talk to your wife and let her know you are giving it one month for every year of marriage to get this sex issue resolved, if that means counseling together or individual, or whatever else it takes, then it needs to be done. 

Be loving, but stand firm on that - your health depends on it. If she refuses to work through this with you, then you may seriously want to consider separating.


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## isthisit (Feb 19, 2010)

I know why I have lost interest, I've been cut off for the better part five years now. Trust me I have tried everything to get her to understand where I'm coming from and why. I'm not the WTF women we used to [email protected]#% like rabbits type guy. I have taken more of the intellectual approach in that a marriage with no intimacy is marriage doomed for failure. I understand sex does not make a marriage but it certainly plays a major role. Again the problem is not with me. She would tell you she has body issues, she thinks she's fat. She also will tell you that between work and being a wife and mother by the time the evening roles around she is just too tired for sex. I can relate and understand that. She isn't into the afternoon quicky so that's not an option either. Going back to my earlier post it's not just the sex that I miss, I also miss the intimacy that is lacking because our child has been in our bed for so long. Maybe I'm just done with it and I am somehow looking for someone to tell me it's OK to leave. I don't know.... I hate to think think of not being around every day for my daughter but at the same time daddy needs a life!


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## isthisit (Feb 19, 2010)

The best advise yet, thank you!!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Thank you! Yes, you do need a life. 

It sounds like you have some decision making to do. If you are willing to give it that last chance, then set the time limit and commit yourself to doing 100% of what you can. Are you still romancing your wife? Romance starts outside of the bedroom. Are you helping her with the childcare and domestic jobs to give her more time and energy to feel up to having sex? 

If you think you are doing everything in your power, then it is all on her, but continue to give her that support while she figures it out. 

Body image, being tired, etc.... those are all relevant points, but not excuses. 

Best of luck to you.


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## jgn2112fletch (Feb 5, 2010)

I find it amazing how similar your situation is to mine. My wife and I have been having the same fight for almost our entire 8 year marriage and we've been fighting all week after she literally scoffed at me for suggesting intimacy on vday. Sometime this weekend I'm simply going to tell her that I'm not happy anymore, that we've been having the same argument for almost our entire marriage and that we stand no chance of fixing it ourselves. I'm going tell her that I love her and that I want to fix this broken marriage and that if she wants to also, I want her to come to marriage counseling with me. My company pays for up to 12 free MC sessions. If she says no to free MC, then she doesn't want to save the marriage, which is a possibility. 
One thing I've learned from talking with folks on here is that for 8 years I let my wife run the show and walk all over me when it comes to this issue. Those days are over.
But here's the thing...I've learned that when you play the, "I'm not happy so if something doesn't change the marriage will fail" card, you better be prepared to play that card if it goes down that road...cuz she'll smell a bluff. I've found that out.
It'd like Apocalypse Now...don't get on the boat unless you're prepared to go all the way.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am going to quote Dr. Phil in one of his books about sex and marriage:

*"If you aren't having sex, it seems like everything is wrong."*

That is, everything could be right - wonderful kids, finances are in order, stable jobs, comfortable home, no drugs/alcohol/addictions, but if you aren't having sex, and one partner wants it and the other doesn't - you can toss all the other things out the window.

Don't let her pull the old "You guys think of nothing but sex" card. It's a ruse. You tell her that we need to get to the bottom of it and sooner rather than later.

To answer your question, my stb-x laid one on me one time when I was complaining about sex:

"That's not a reason you get married."

Nooooooo. . .but dammit. . .I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

You know. . . I didn't buy my house because of the bathrooms either but if you took it away from me, I"d be pretty darned peeved.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is not complicated. You have allowed your wife to take total control of your life and ignore your needs. This has nothing to do with intelligence - this has to do with standing up for yourself. Nothing could be simpler. 

Stop doing what your wife says and start spending less time with her/at home until your child moves out of your bed and your sex life is acceptable to you. 

Your wife won't respect you if you don't stand up to her.



isthisit said:


> OK, so I have been married for five plus years now and have been with my wife for about eight. Like most relationships while dating and up until the birth of our girl we had sex every day sometimes three times a day. I knew that over time the sex would slow down as I had been married once before. The trouble is that it hasn't just slowed down I'm lucky if we have sex once every couple of months. Things were already bad sex wise before we took a vacation to Mexico, one would think a nice five day trip to a beautiful beach resort would perhaps get the juices flowing. But not only did we only have sex one time while on this trip, to make matters worse when we arrived back home my wife was insistent that our three year old sleep in our bed for "just a few days" because she missed her so much. I told her this was a bad idea knowing it would be hard to get her out once she got in. Long story short I didn't want to cause an argument and so I reluctantly agreed. That was two and a half years ago and she still sleeps with us every night. As bad as our sex life was before this trip (once a month at best) and that was only what I thought of as pity sex to shut me up. Now we have gotten to the point that we will sometimes go two months or more and my wife just doesn't seem to care. I have tried the nice approach of honey I love you so much what can I do to help this situation. She has even talked to her doctor about this and he gave her happy pills because he thought she was just to stressed to get in the mood. No matter what we have tried the story remains the same. She tells me that all I think about is sex, as if I'm a pervert for wanting what all men not only want but need! At this point because our child is still in our bed we don't even have a chance to cuddle, to "spoon" if you will it has become rare if we even kiss goodnight. I love my wife and adore my daughter but I'm to the point that I'm questioning what am I doing here? What is in this marriage for me? Because I travel three day's twice a month when I'm home my wife is insistent that I spend my weekends with them. I rarely see my friends and have become a shell of my former self. I consider myself an above average looking man, dating was never a problem for me and I still get hit on from time to time but always blow it off. Sorry for such a long post but it's a complicated issue. Thanks in advance for advise.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Your wife won't respect you if you don't stand up to her.


:iagree:
Also need to add, your wife won't feel very attracted to you if you don't stand up to her. I can relate to feeling like she's your sister thing. That happened because you know you can't have sex with her. So to keep you from being horny around her and feel lotsa frustration your body basically adapted and is now repressing all attraction. (this is how we learn to not get attracted to our siblings when we're young btw). 3-4 months of good sex with her will fix that with no problem and you'll feel horny over her again (from personal experience). 

Anything you can do to make her lust over you instead of asking her/demanding/begging sex? Do you know how he works sexually and what could turn her on? Sometimes even a bath where you come out clean, dripping wet and wearing a towel looking like an alpha male works for most women. 

Another idea, try find some stupid reason why it's bad for the kid to sleep in the parents' bed. There has to be some research done by some scientist that claims it's bad because the kid will become clingy or needy..or something. Show that to her in a 'look honey, i like this as much as you but it's bad for the child' manner. It will most likely be true as well, so you won't be lieing.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

hey at least you dont have to deal with 4 small dogs sleeping with you almost every night...my wife wants all 4 dogs in bed every night..right aways I know it's No for sex, marriage has pissed me off in so many ways, somehow I still love it....what I ***** it is though...I guess you gotta take control like I did...I just said it screws up our marriage, I said no longer are they sleepin with us and that's it...she was a little sad, haven't had sex since, but what the hell, I'd rather be a man and let her know straight than be her little *****.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I thought married couples had sex?!?

Umm WHERE DID YOU EVER GET THAT IDEA???????


I now divorced had similar but not exact situation.

My ex became very focused on kids and "things"....her life became the maintenance of the family and life. Relationship was lowest on the list.
In addition, in cave man fashion, I merely focused on what i wanted, more sex and more attention. Eventually the divide grew and we never really did understand each other.

Could be lots of things. Communication is key and it may take a long time for her to "let go" of whatever it is she thinks is more important than you but.

Try to focus a bit more on what she wants/needs and dont guess that. Go to counseling even if it is for nothing than the hope that she might start realy divulging what is blocking her attention to you. talk talk talk.
Seems like you have tried lots of things.. So thats obviously not good. Maybe some more serious "posturing" is in order.

For many people including myself.. to let this go on is only going to build more separation and resentment to the point where you will NOT care if it can be repaired anymore... then anger, fighting, more separation, and divorce. Agree to work hard to resolve or decide you're too different to stay together. If the latter is the right choice, the sooner the better because that anger and resentment makes for a really bad time.


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