# Separating after 20 yrs. and heartbroken



## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

I met my husband at a party when I was 17 (I'm 39 now) and he was 19 and we fell in love fast. We both drank, smoked pot, and dropped acid on occasion. A month later he went swimming in a creek with some friends but they had been drinking and they didn't check the depth of the water, which was only 2 ft. deep, and my husband dove in head first off the top of a bridge and broke his neck and almost drowned. So, now he has been a quadriplegic for 22 yrs. (he is only classified as a quad. cause he can't move his hands, fingers, and he can barely move his legs, & he has to use a wheelchair). I decided to stay with him even though the doctors told me he could never have children and would never walk again, but I was only 17 and all I knew was that I was in love with him and nothing changed that. A couple yrs. later I stopped doing drugs and drinking and I thought that he would quit in a few yrs. after he matured a little more. Well, it has now been 22 yrs. and he is still a drug addict. He quit drinking about 15 yrs. or so ago. He has been addicted to shooting up whatever, smoking crack, snorting meth, takin' pills, whatever will get him high. He is never home, he leaves before I get up in the morning and he doesn't come home til about 11:00 at night, he rarely ever answers his phone for me, he lies to me on a daily basis, he spends all of our money so we have to live w/ my dad, and the worse part is when he is coming down off of the drugs because they make him mean. He has never hit me but he is verbally abusive, he calls me names and puts me down for hours at a time while I'm crying and begging him to stop. He is the nicest guy you could meet until he is coming down and then it's like he is a different person and later he swears he doesn't even remember any of it. He refuses to go to rehab because he has tried them before and he says they don't work, however, he has never stayed longer than a week so of course they didn't work. He has lied to me and hurt me so often that there is no trust left and I don't think I could go through another bout of him coming down but I am still madly in love with him. The other day he disappeared for 3 days and I had no idea where he was or if was in jail or even alive so when he finally showed up I told him that I was filing for a divorce and that I would call him once I had all of his stuff together. I told him the only way I would stay with him is if he went to an intensive rehab where he would stay for at least 3 months and when he got back he wouldn't even be allowed to smoke pot but he didn't say anything. That was 2 days ago and I haven't heard from him since, I tried calling him today to see if he was okay but he didn't answer. I'm pretty sure he's not cheating on me cuz of his disability but who knows. I really had hoped this would be his rock bottom but I feel like maybe he wasn't in love with me like I thought he was since he is obviously willing to give me up for drugs. I feel so lost and hurt, and I feel like I've been cheated out of love. It's probably awful for me to say this but I gave up having children to be with him plus my life has not been easy having to take care of a disabled husband and this is the thanks I get. Sorry I've rambled on and I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself but I guess I do a little. I know eventually it will get easier but it felt good to let it all out, thank you for letting me do that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused. He's a quadriplegic, can't move his hands or fingers, in a wheelchair... Not meaning to be insensitive, but how does he obtain and use drugs?

In any case, any person has a right to set and enforce boundaries. But setting and not enforcing them will just cause other people to lose respect for you.

C


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

He can drive and he takes off before I get up and he has a lot friends that sell and do drugs. I guess I should've explained it a little better... he is a C-7 quadriplegic; he can move his fingers and hands but only if he manipulates his wrists just right, which he learned in physical therapy. Also, about a month after leaving the hospital he started being able to walk with a walker but now he can only take a few steps with one and he pretty much has to use his wheelchair full time now. After 22 yrs. of being partially paralyzed he has learned how to adapt very well and believe me a drug addict can get drugs one way or another, they always finds a way. But, I assure you, I don't help him any way, shape, or form. I agree w/ what you said about setting and enforcing boundaries but it is hard to enforce my boundaries when I'm so in love and it physically hurts when we're separated. However, I have never been this serious about leaving him and I think I might be able to finally fall through with it this time.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Oh moon73, whilst your story is so much sadder than mine, I can relate on a lot of levels. You are stronger than you think, and you know what, his drug use DOES have more pull than you. You can only feel sorry for someone for so long who won't help themselves. 

I'd say from personal experience, to not even try MC unless he is prepared to get clean & gets help first. He needs to start reaping the true consequences of his drug use before he hits his rock bottom. You are strong enough to handle this, you'd be amazed where you find the strength from. 

In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself regardless of whether you divorce or not. Rediscover yourself, your hobbies, friends & support network. Start small, go for a walk in your own time when it suits you, not him. You have been carrying a burden for 20 odd long years, you now need to care for yourself. These are the little things that feed your soul to keep you strong.

Start putting a little money in a bank account that he knows nothing about. This can be your safety money to be used just in case.... NOT to bail him out, but so you can give your self a little reassurance that you will be ok regardless of what happens. 

Best wishes, and I hope you make your decisions wisely and with love.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could look at getting counseling to try to find out why you're so locked into someone who doesn't care about you. Codependency comes to mind. This is something that will suit you in the future, no matter if you stay or go. If you don't figure it out, you're likely to end up in a new relationship with someone who needs "fixing". 

If cost is an issue, look for counselors with income dependent fees, or church based counseling (if that's acceptable to you). You could also look for a group like Al-anon or Nar-anon, to talk to people going through the same things as you.

C


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

Going Mental - Thanks for your pep talk, I actually really needed that today. I've been very close to asking him to come home all day but your reply has really made me think twice. He really does need to get some serious help before I even consider taking him back but it is going to be so hard. If you don't mind me asking, what is your personal experience?


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> You could look at getting counseling to try to find out why you're so locked into someone who doesn't care about you. Codependency comes to mind. This is something that will suit you in the future, no matter if you stay or go. If you don't figure it out, you're likely to end up in a new relationship with someone who needs "fixing".
> 
> If cost is an issue, look for counselors with income dependent fees, or church based counseling (if that's acceptable to you). You could also look for a group like Al-anon or Nar-anon, to talk to people going through the same things as you.
> 
> C


I have been thinking about counseling, I know I need to and I've also been thinking about Al-anon meetings. I definitely don't want to be codependent my whole life and I know that is something I need to work on.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

> If you don't mind me asking, what is your personal experience?


I have a thread called When is enough is enough in the Considering Separation or Divorce...I don't know how to make link to it, sorry.

Basically my STBXH has been a pothead for 23+ years. There are many many issues as you can imagine. He quit about 12 months ago, after I gave him the make a choice talk...deathly calm, no scenes. One thing came to another - I ended finally it at the beginning of August ie a week or so ago.

I have been in therapy since April last year when I finally called time on the status quo. One of my requirements was that he quit pot & get counselling as the pot was no longer medicateding what I believed to be a mental issue (either depression or PTSD). He tried 2 or 3 different therapists and that only lasted 2-3 times each. In that time I continued my IC and we did MC regularly & intensively BUT last session I realised how we were recycling issues & fights and not moving forward. In this 12 months there has been a suicide attempt (his) and his father passing away after 24+ years of illness. 

What I am trying to say is STBXH undermined the success of MC by not living up to his end of the deal by getting IC. He has a backlog of issues that haven't been dealt with. I have been around enough potheads & alcoholics & drug addicts to know they have some serious & painful issues they are trying to escape from. They need to be able to see themselves clearly before they try to see their relationships in a realistic way...hope that makes sense.

I am mentally physically & emotionally exhausted. It is such a relief (although I am seriously grieving the loss of a sometimes wonderful marriage) to not have to worry about him anymore. I (in my own mind) finally gave him permission to own his own problems. It has been 5-10 years before I reached this point, because my STBXH was a functioning addict.

Writing this tonight has stirred up some pretty tough emotions, so thank you for allowing me to hijack your thread and vent 

You may support also in the relationships & addictions forum.


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## moon73 (Aug 5, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> I have a thread called When is enough is enough in the Considering Separation or Divorce...I don't know how to make link to it, sorry.
> 
> Basically my STBXH has been a pothead for 23+ years. There are many many issues as you can imagine. He quit about 12 months ago, after I gave him the make a choice talk...deathly calm, no scenes. One thing came to another - I ended finally it at the beginning of August ie a week or so ago.
> 
> ...


Thank you for telling me your story. I too am physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. My husband has a lot deep seeded issues also and I have told him time and again that he is never going to quit drugs for life until he seeks counseling and finds out what his problems are and learn a healthier way of dealing with them but he always has some excuse not to get help. Now he is saying that he will get help if I also get help so I told him if he is truely serious this time that I will; so now it is just a waiting game to see what happens.

Feel free to vent to me all you want, I honestly don't mind, that's what we're here for  I'm glad that you have some relief and thanks for the idea to also post on the relationships and addictions page.


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