# Just found out and feeling lost



## Athena33 (Feb 19, 2021)

Hi All,

As I’m guessing most of you felt, I never thought I’d find myself here, but I am grateful for the opportunity to express my feelings freely.

Its been 18 days since I discovered my husbands affair but it still feels like 1 really long day.

To sum it up my husband of 13 years (been together 18) finally came clean about an affair he had two years ago. It was mostly emotional but then became physical. They were co-workers with horrible boundaries, which led to flirting, complaining about their marriages (she’s been with her second husband for about 5 years and has 2 children with both the current and former husband). She was moving away. They kissed a couple of times briefly. Before she moved away they met at a hotel and had sex. Kissed once more and he says he broke it off or suggested being “just friends” and she agreed. They remained friends, until according to him, until he began to see through her and felt used, and realized she was never really his friend. He stopped responding to any correspondence with her about 7 months ago. And became the perfect, most attentive husband, doting on me and showering me with affection like when we first started dating. Meanwhile I’d been trying to get his attention for a year and a half. So clearly, I knew something was up but not what.

He finally came clean after I told hm that this was the only chance to tell me the truth and fix our marriage. Anything he doesn’t tell me or I discover later - I’m out. Told him the truth was going to come out eventually, so it’s now or never. So he came clean. But he’s not giving me too many details beyond the basics. He says he wants to accept full responsibility and not blame anyone else, but I really want to know how this happened. I have gotten a few things out of him when I ask specific and direct questions:

who started the flirting? both of them.

where did it happen? he’ll tell me that

when? I’ve got a rough timeline, it’s been almost two years so I think he’s using the “I don’t remember” excuse conveniently.

why did you do it? I wanted to have sex

did you have second thoughts? Won’t answer

-described it as awkward, boring, awful, and uncomfortable. He’s typically very shy and reserved

Who initiated the ending of the PA? He did a couple weeks later. Via text. She agreed.

-Went on to “just be friends for several months”. She moved to another city, so really didn’t have a choice.

-He said he never thought loved her or told her he loved her. We were going through a bad time and he needed “a friend.” So pathetic it’s laughable to me sometimes.

-He won’t talk much about her, but my husband is very black and white. He will admit he tries not to “give her the energy” by thinking about her, but admits that he’s angry and feels used and has no positive feelings towards her, and has felt this way for some time now. Theres hate in his eyes that I’ve never seen before, but I’m just not sure if it’s misplaced

So that’s the information I’m working with.

I really do love him and want to stay with him, but am I fool?

Am I focusing to much on who played what role and not accepting that it’s him who made the choices?

He’s been so remorseful and patheticly sad, and willing to do whatever it takes (he scheduled counseling, reading every article I send to him, staying up all night with me if I can’t sleep). He’s one of those guys that no one would ever suspect would cheat, so I don’t know how to predict if this will ever happen again. He’s really attractive, always has been, and gets a lot of attention from women, but there’s never been a time before when I thought he’s responded inappropriately. The women he cheated with was several years older than me and not really that attractive objectivity. She looks fake and older than her years. I know that’s petty of me and feel guilty saying it but i’m just so confused.

In your opinion, does it sound like we have a chance to be successful if I decide to stay? Is he showing the right signs? What else should we be doing/talking about? What can I do to survive this period of shock and confusion? I really do want to save my family, especially my two children from this pain, and I really do still love him.

If you made it this far, God Bless you, and thank you. Really. I don’t really have anyone I can confide in and we’re still waiting for counseling to start. I really just needed to vent, and I appreciate you listening. Thank you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

He's doing most of the right things except, and this is a big one, he's placing too much blame on her and not enough on himself. He should not be mad, or angry, at her. He should be mad and angry at himself. She didn't force him to have sex. He allowed himself to take a whole lot of little incremental steps, each of which, he believes, were small enough to not be an issue. Which is untrue. Every little step is an issue. He had a whole lot of little incremental opportunities, at each of which he could have said hell no, this isn't me.

But it was him. He only felt remorse, it appears, when things didn't go all rainbows & unicorn when they had sex. What if they had? Would he have continued? 

He's got to take all anger at her out of the picture. It was not the OWs fault. It was his.

Beyond that, you know him better than anyone here. Nobody here can tell you that this will likely have been a one-time thing that he will learn from and become a wonderful partner in life. Most will tell you you don't know the half of it and he's hiding a lot.

But you need to make clear to him that she, the OW, wasn't the problem. It wasn't against his will. He had plenty of time to think about what he was doing, how it was escalating, where it would lead.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Athena33 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> As I’m guessing most of you felt, I never thought I’d find myself here, but I am grateful for the opportunity to express my feelings freely.
> 
> ...



He is showing a lot of good things, he is remorseful and treating you well which means he already figured out he wants to keep you. But what he isn’t doing right is telling you what you need to know.

In my mind, if I want to know every detail, I better get every detail. It’s no longer the cheaters choice on what I get to know and not. The reason they like to NOT tell the details is they know it’s disgusting, unpalatable and they could lose you. It’s still selfish. If it was fine for you to DO, then it’s fine for me to KNOW. It’s not the cheaters job to decide what I need to know in my mind and it’s one reason that really p!ssed me off about not getting the details I wanted. That’s my perspective on that. 

The other thing is, good that he doesn’t feel fondly toward her, but hatred still implies passion to me. He has unresolved feelings toward her, and he blames her too much, himself too little. He may hate her up and down but he CHOSE her. So if he is so weak to be manipulated by a woman into effing her and ruining his life... why would you ever be able to trust that? He does need to figure out why he chose to do this, and it has nothing to do with being manipulated. 

This is very new to you I know. Very new. You are going to feel so much and so little, vacillate between feelings and it is rough. But you have to give yourself grace and know that your feelings are normal. You have the right to know everything you need to know. 

I would suggest that you not believe the ol’ “I don’t remember” trick either. He remembers. He just is doing damage control. And there is no place for that here. I would say you ask him for a written timeline, and explanations for every question you have. When you have your answers, think long and hard about what you want to do. You have a right to boundaries and space and time. Take the space to feel what you need to and process. Do not go into rug-sweeping mode, do not try to control or change him, do not do any of the work in making this right and do NOT do the hysterical bonding that might begin to rear it’s ugly head. Step back, and take the time and space you need to figure out if you want to do this. 

No marriage counseling yet, they will mess you up, but DO individual counseling. If you decide to stay with him eventually... then go to marriage counseling down the road. Not now. 

And lastly, I’m so sorry you are here. And for all this pain and devastation you are now feeling. It’s the worst feeling in the world, but take a breath, it’s going to be ok. And we are here with you in this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband is doing better than most, assuming he told you the truth and not just the tip of the iceberg. No one is perfect so of course there is room for improvement but so far, you at least have something to work with. It's too soon to say if he will keep this up or not. If he doesn't, then you know it was fake. 

To be honest, it's too soon for you to even be sure if you want to stay with him or not. It's okay for you to be unsure or for your mind to change daily. Eventually you will have to make a decision but not yet. Right now you just need to take care of yourself and your kids. 

So your husband is doing pretty good but he is placing WAY too much blame on the OW. She may be a horrible person but he chose to have an affair and he needs to accept that. She did not tie him up in the basement and manipulative or not, he allowed it and wanted it. Acceptance can be a hard thing but it is a necessary step. He says he wants to accept full responsibility... part of that is for him to stop blaming the OW and start putting 100% of the blame on himself. 

You said he scheduled counseling, is that for him to go alone or marriage counseling? It should be individual for now. It's too early for marriage counseling. That comes down the road. 

The other thing he needs to understand is that he does not get to decide what information/answers you need. This is your recovery and you decide what you need - not him. Part of coming clean is answering every single question, so he really isn't holding up that end of the "ultimatum". Have a conversation with him and tell him that you NEED this. 

You shouldn't have a "rough timeline". Yes memories fade but he needs to sit his butt down and really think about it until he can give you a proper timeline. He doesn't want to think about it? Too bad! You don't want to either but you will keep obsessing over it until you get the details, which he has. 

I would suggest you find your own therapist and really think about your questions. Some people only need the basics, other people need to know every single detail (I did). Whatever you need, just think about WHY you need that answer. Is it just to pain shop and hurt yourself? If so, stop (I know, easier said than done). It is a good idea to talk to a therapist about it so you know what you really need answers to. It's also a good idea to write down a question that comes to mind, and sit on it for a day or two. If you still need an answer, then ask, but sometimes you realize you really don't need that answer once your emotions calm down.

You should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It will show you both what he should be doing. Another good one is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I think he’s actually doing very well, and I think you really have a great chance here. He’s not being defensive at all? It sounds like he’s doing all the right things. 

One thing I would stop doing is sending too many articles or doing much of the work, let him do that. Another way to get more answers is to stay quiet and listen and not respond. Maybe google some tips? 

Eg I used to think my husband was closed off and wouldn’t talk so I got pushier and would talk over him, ask more questions. We had a vicious circle where he would get angry and say I can’t talk to you, I’d get louder and demanding. Now when I know something’s up, I give him space and he comes forward eventually talk and I really just say very little but give him full attention. 

Sometimes when you’re questioned in a certain way it can make you hold back in fear of hurting the other person. (And of course you have every right to know! I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m defending any silences he may have or omission of facts) just a suggestion, it may not work for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you are here, but pleased that you found us.

It hurts finding out that the person who should have our back didn't.

I suggest counselling both individual and as a couple.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is acting like the 'poor innocent victim' here and blaming the 'horrible predatory woman'.Sorry that isnt acceptable. He is at least 50% responsible. I would also want him to take a lie detector test. All cheaters say it only happened once. Even the thought that he is booked in to have a test may make him own up if there is more. He also denies having feelings for her, of course he will, cheaters lie. Of course he says the sex was 'awkward, boring and embarrassing,' he is hardly going to say differently is he, he is trying to minimise it and as another poster says, he is doing damage control. He wasnt ''used', he wasnt a child being taken advantage of, he is a mature man who made his own decisions and choices to cheat, lie and deceive you for 2 years while carrying on the 'friendship'. 

The fact that he stayed in contact with her for 18 months after the affair is concerning, if he felt that sorry why did he do that and why didnt he come clean to you himself? You had to pry it from him.

In the end can you trust him again? Two years of lies and deception. Without trust what is left? Still its very early days yet of course, you may not be able to decide for a time until you see how things go and if the trust ever comes back. Dont be afraid to suggest a set time of living apart at any time to give you space to think and decide what your next step will be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I‘m sorry you find yourself here. I had one of those very attractive, highly unlikely to cheat husbands too. The truth is that you can never predict if it will happen again. Some people do reconcile successfully. It’s a long, tough process, with lots of ups and downs, and it can take 3-5 years to come to terms with what’s happened. There often are lots of triggers during that time and they can pop up out of nowhere. It’s not a good idea to trust as completely as you once did. I wish you the very best going forward.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His anger at her implies she dumped him. Why he is feeling used? What did he do for her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My take on it:

1 Your husband came clean and told you about the affair. Fairly rare. Cheaters lie horribly right to your face, often in spite of overwhelming evidence. He did not.

2). He stopped the affair and returned to you and although he didn’t come clean, he started treating you as he knew he should on his own, and stopped contacting her on his own. I would say this is a sign of actual remorse, not just sorry he got caught.

3). He’s wanting to do the work to find out why he did this and try to be a better husband.

your questions were “do We think it’s possible to reconcile, are you a fool, and a couple of others.

I don’t think you’re a fool. You’ve been pretty logical and a realist about this.
In 99% of cases of cheating, yes, I’d say a man or woman is not smart to take back a cheater. Your husband has shown that he does still have feelings for you, is possibly actually remorseful, and i do think you have some things here that might make re inculcation possible.

the bad: as said, he’s blaming her and not enough blame on himself. But I think you will find that a lot of that anger is really at himself, not her. I think it’s a positive that he hates her, although indifference to her if he reaches it is a good sign also.
also, he said it was one time that they had sex, and that’s not usually true. Normally I’d laugh at such a claim, but in this case I think it’s a possibility. 
The biggest problem I have with his attitude is that he claims it was partially due to you and he having a bad spell in your marriage.
Hopefully he will figure out that his cheating wasn’t caused by that, it was due to his own weakness and lack of boundaries and loyalty.

the loyalty thing will always bother you. You’ll never fully trust him, nor should you. Only you can figure out if reconciliation is possible or even worth it. But I do think it’s possible in your case.

Very sorry, I know how you feel.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> His anger at her implies she dumped him. Why he is feeling used? What did he do for her?


Yes, I agree this is a possibility and a good question to ask him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Edit: 
I just read some of the other posts and agree that there may be a bigger problem, which may be that she dumped him. Why: as said his anger at her. As said, he kept talking for a long time as “friends”. He finally stopped contact 7 months ago—- I had to go back and read again before I understood he had been communicating after the PA for so long.
You have nothing to prove it was a one time deal, and if he kept communicating, and they didn’t have sex again, it’s because she didn’t think it was all that and dumped him.
My suspicion is that she dumped him. Otherwise he’d still be communicating and still be trying for sex. It’s possible he only stopped, and only started treating you right again, because you are plan B and he had no choice. You need to get more information from a different source before you consider reconciling. If he got dumped, I do NOT think there’s a chance at a successful reconciliation because I think he is likely to do this again.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Athena33 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> As I’m guessing most of you felt, I never thought I’d find myself here, but I am grateful for the opportunity to express my feelings freely.
> 
> ...


First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this, I cannot imagine how it feels. 

It's hard to tell if he's being forthcoming or not. One thing is for sure, he was able to manipulate you and lie to your face for two years (up until you questioned him). I don't know if he is doing the same thing now, seems like it a little bit. The bottom line is, HE made the choice, and needs to own that, and not put responsibility on someone else. HE crossed boundaries he shouldn't have, HE knew he was married, so other woman and her part in it, doesn't factor in for me. 

I don't like that he is still not giving you the details... it may be that it's awkward for him to talk about, but who knows. Maybe he is protecting her? I don't mean to sound negative, but these are all possibilities that you have to be open to. 

Do not go out of your way to ask questions or send him articles. He should be going out of his way. He should be telling you everything down to the timeline, VOLUNTARILY, and should be very honest in those details. If he is not, I'm not sure he is as vested into salvaging your marriage as you think. Seems like he is more vested in saving his ego. 

Finally, I wouldn't have said that "the only chance to save our marriage is if you tell me the truth". To be fair, you don't know the whole truth, and don't know if it will come out in counseling. He is bread-crumbing you. You don't have all your information yet to make that decision. The fact that he wouldn't tell you unless you threatened to leave doesn't sit well with me.


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## Athena33 (Feb 19, 2021)

Athena33 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> As I’m guessing most of you felt, I never thought I’d find myself here, but I am grateful for the opportunity to express my feelings freely.
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> Edit:
> I just read some of the other posts and agree that there may be a bigger problem, which may be that she dumped him. Why: as said his anger at her. As said, he kept talking for a long time as “friends”. He finally stopped contact 7 months ago—- I had to go back and read again before I understood he had been communicating after the PA for so long.
> You have nothing to prove it was a one time deal, and if he kept communicating, and they didn’t have sex again, it’s because she didn’t think it was all that and dumped him.
> My suspicion is that she dumped him. Otherwise he’d still be communicating and still be trying for sex. It’s possible he only stopped, and only started treating you right again, because you are plan B and he had no choice. You need to get more information from a different source before you consider reconciling. If he got dumped, I do NOT think there’s a chance at a successful reconciliation because I think he is likely to do this again.





Evinrude58 said:


> Edit:
> I just read some of the other posts and agree that there may be a bigger problem, which may be that she dumped him. Why: as said his anger at her. As said, he kept talking for a long time as “friends”. He finally stopped contact 7 months ago—- I had to go back and read again before I understood he had been communicating after the PA for so long.
> You have nothing to prove it was a one time deal, and if he kept communicating, and they didn’t have sex again, it’s because she didn’t think it was all that and dumped him.
> My suspicion is that she dumped him. Otherwise he’d still be communicating and still be trying for sex. It’s possible he only stopped, and only started treating you right again,
> ...





Athena33 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> As I’m guessing most of you felt, I never thought I’d find myself here, but I am grateful for the opportunity to express my feelings freely.
> 
> ...


Thank you all so much for your support, guidance and comments. I’ve read all your posts about 5 times and I’m grateful for you. I’m sorry you’re all here as well, but I do appreciate such an honest forum to process the bomb that exploded in my life. Thank you for taking the time to respond with such genuine and honest feedback. This morning my husband and I had a good long talk about many of the suggestions and advice that you’ve given me, which has helped him (I think) to understand why it’s important that I know the details to support his version of the truth. I think it’s helping. The more he is letting me in to his thought process during that time the more I’m starting to understand what happened, so I can stop blaming myself and the OW. I have told him that if I ever find out that he’s lied or omitted information from this point on, I’m done. So no more chances, now or never. I guess we will see.

Sending good thoughts and good karma to all of you! Thanks again for helping me through the worst time of my life. I appreciate you all!


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## Athena33 (Feb 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Edit:
> I just read some of the other posts and agree that there may be a bigger problem, which may be that she dumped him. Why: as said his anger at her. As said, he kept talking for a long time as “friends”. He finally stopped contact 7 months ago—- I had to go back and read again before I understood he had been communicating after the PA for so long.
> You have nothing to prove it was a one time deal, and if he kept communicating, and they didn’t have sex again, it’s because she didn’t think it was all that and dumped him.
> My suspicion is that she dumped him. Otherwise he’d still be communicating and still be trying for sex. It’s possible he only stopped, and only started treating you right again, because you are plan B and he had no choice. You need to get more information from a different source before you consider reconciling. If he got dumped, I do NOT think there’s a chance at a successful reconciliation because I think he is likely to do this again.


I agree with you, a big factor for me has been who ended the PA. He’s been able to provide a lot of details to support his claims, which helps me to understand what he might have been thinking. If it’s worth anything, I’ve seen proof that she was trying to keep communication going and he wasn’t responding. About a year ago I noticed texts every two weeks or so “checking in to see if he’s okay since she hadn’t heard from him.” Posting comments on his Facebook posts about my kids, never “liking” a picture with me in it. He’s not on Facebook much, and never interacted with her there (I’ve always had full access to his FB so I know this for sure). He also showed me the last emails she sent him “checking in” about 9 months ago which he never responded to. This is all I have to go on, it’s so ridiculous sometimes I can’t believe it’s my life! Ah!!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Athena33 said:


> I agree with you, a big factor for me has been who ended the PA.


Yep. If my WW hadn't been dumped by the OM, she would have been bopping him until a longer schlong came along.



GC1234 said:


> He is bread-crumbing you.


That's how I see it, too.

WW only played "damage control" because she was dumped, and she recognized that all the OM's "promises" were lies, and all his motorcycle rides in his Miami Vice outfit were a mid-life-crisis. But good-ole-chump-meal-ticket was still there.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Athena33 said:


> I agree with you, a big factor for me has been who ended the PA. He’s been able to provide a lot of details to support his claims, which helps me to understand what he might have been thinking. If it’s worth anything, I’ve seen proof that she was trying to keep communication going and he wasn’t responding. About a year ago I noticed texts every two weeks or so “checking in to see if he’s okay since she hadn’t heard from him.” Posting comments on his Facebook posts about my kids, never “liking” a picture with me in it. He’s not on Facebook much, and never interacted with her there (I’ve always had full access to his FB so I know this for sure). He also showed me the last emails she sent him “checking in” about 9 months ago which he never responded to. This is all I have to go on, it’s so ridiculous sometimes I can’t believe it’s my life! Ah!!


To me it makes sense it took him a good while to come out of the affair fog thinking, and he kept trying to be “friends” with her which was probably more like an EA being continued. Obviously that’s going to burn out without proximity since they went PA already...

It DOES bother me it took coercion to get the truth out. How long was he planning on lying about this? Likely FOREVER. What would also bother me is being the plan B as was mentioned before. Had she not moved away? The PA would have likely been much more prolific and maybe continued to this day, while you were treated like poo. Her moving away is what actually ended this.

You have some good things going on for sure, but you also have to figure out if you can come to terms with this and accept it... some people here can’t accept it years later even though they chose to reconcile. So it’s a good idea to take time for yourself and sort this out without the pressure of reconciliation.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So he hit once and quit it. Must have not been that good or the guilt was killing him; probably both. It sounds like he learned that what he had at home was much better than he realized, which is why he kicked into high gear in trying to be a good husband.

It’s up to you if you want to forgive but at least you know he ended it, he cut contact and , he has enthusiastically worked on the marriage, that is a lot better than most waywards do. The number threads we have of waywards breaking contact and worst of all, pining away while being emotionally absent tells me you have a higher chance of successfully reconciling.


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## Athena33 (Feb 19, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> To me it makes sense it took him a good while to come out of the affair fog thinking, and he kept trying to be “friends” with her which was probably more like an EA being continued. Obviously that’s going to burn out without proximity since they went PA already...
> 
> It DOES bother me it took coercion to get the truth out. How long was he planning on lying about this? Likely FOREVER. What would also bother me is being the plan B as was mentioned before. Had she not moved away? The PA would have likely been much more prolific and maybe continued to this day, while you were treated like poo. Her moving away is what actually ended this.
> 
> You have some good things going on for sure, but you also have to figure out if you can come to terms with this and accept it... some people here can’t accept it years later even though they chose to reconcile. So it’s a good idea to take time for yourself and sort this out without the pressure of reconciliation.





jsmart said:


> So he hit once and quit it. Must have not been that good or the guilt was killing him; probably both. It sounds like he learned that what he had at home was much better than he realized, which is why he kicked into high gear in trying to be a good husband.
> 
> It’s up to you if you want to forgive but at least you know he ended it, he cut contact and , he has enthusiastically worked on the marriage, that is a lot better than most waywards do. The number threads we have of waywards breaking contact and worst of all, pining away while being emotionally absent tells me you have a higher chance of successfully reconciling.


Thank you very much for your responses. That is essentially the story as I understand it and the story I keep telling myself. Hopefully I’m not fooling myself, and know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I truly appreciate the encouragement.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personally, I wouldn't put a ton of focus on him getting caught rather than confessing.

You could have come here saying your husband confessed out of the blue and most people still wouldn't see that as a good thing. They would say that someone must have found out or threatened to tell you and he wanted to give you his story first. It's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't thing. There are also people who would say he only told you to ease his conscience and dump it on you. 

If he swore to himself that he will never, ever do it again, he may have had a hard time deciding whether he should keep it to himself or not. Yes, he could have just been afraid of the consequences, or he might have wanted to avoid hurting you (I'm not saying that's the right thing). 

I also would try not to play the "what if" game. Yes, if she hadn't moved away and he hadn't of been caught and all sorts of other things, MAYBE they would still be sleeping together. But that's not the situation you're dealing with and "what if's" don't help. Easier said than done, I know. It does get easier though and those thoughts can stop eventually (at least for me they have).


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Personally, I wouldn't put a ton of focus on him getting caught rather than confessing.
> 
> You could have come here saying your husband confessed out of the blue and most people still wouldn't see that as a good thing. They would say that someone must have found out or threatened to tell you and he wanted to give you his story first. It's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't thing. There are also people who would say he only told you to ease his conscience and dump it on you.
> 
> ...


For me, I think these things and dissect them because it points to the character of the person. In my mind, someone who allows themselves to hide it and never come clean, someone who never planned on breaking it off and wouldn’t have, is much different character than a person who faces it, comes clean of their own accord and had broke it off because they couldn’t live that way or realized fully the weight of their bad decisions and did something about it... not doing an “oh ****” after the affair didn’t work out... and “hope that never comes out!”

Maybe it doesn’t matter for many, and I can see your point there...but for those reasons it does matter to me. A lot actually. Granted, everyone decides what they can and can’t deal with on their own. This is just a few of the many complexities of emotion when you are betrayed I suppose.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Athena33 said:


> Thank you very much for your responses. That is essentially the story as I understand it and the story I keep telling myself. Hopefully I’m not fooling myself, and know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I truly appreciate the encouragement.


Thats why I suggested a lie detector test as you have no idea if you have had the truth or not. If my husband had done what your has, I wouldnt trust a word he said.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hello Athena33,

I'm so sorry you are here and dealing with this, but I'm happy you found TAM. I think you've been given great advice, so I'll just comment on a few things already brought up. 



Openminded said:


> I‘m sorry you find yourself here. I had one of those very attractive, highly unlikely to cheat husbands too. The truth is that you can never predict if it will happen again. Some people do reconcile successfully. It’s a long, tough process, with lots of ups and downs, and it can take 3-5 years to come to terms with what’s happened. There often are lots of triggers during that time and they can pop up out of nowhere. It’s not a good idea to trust as completely as you once did. I wish you the very best going forward.


I had one of those too, he seemed decent and everyone thought he was the "nice guy" who could never do something like that. Unlike your husband, I caught him in an on-going affair, multiple times (the first time was an EA). At the time I thought I could forgive him, and we reconciled b/c he exhibited remorse and we went for counseling. However, I was the one who initiated these things, b/c I wanted our marriage to work.


Evinrude58 said:


> My take on it:
> 
> 1 Your husband came clean and told you about the affair. Fairly rare. Cheaters lie horribly right to your face, often in spite of overwhelming evidence. He did not.
> 
> ...


I agree that any blameshifting to you is terrible, no matter how bad your marriage was. He chose to cheat and lie for 2 years instead of bringing up his concerns. I advise you to step back and see how he handles himself and what he offers, you've already disclosed your offer and dealbreaker.

In my case, I realized I never trusted my ex after I found out about his first EA and although hurt by his last affair, I wasn't surprised. It takes at least 2-3 years to recover, sometimes longer or not at all. You don't need to confirm you will stay, quite frankly you don't owe him that, but I think you should get IC, especially if you do not have children to see if you really want R.

Thinking back, I wish I'd cut and run and not wasted another 9 years of false R. His "remorse" was short-term and he got impatient with me when I was triggered later by some changes I saw in his behavior and gaslit me. From hearing other people's stories, most cheaters don't seem to change fundamentally and end up repeating at some point in the future. 




bobert said:


> Personally, I wouldn't put a ton of focus on him getting caught rather than confessing.
> 
> You could have come here saying your husband confessed out of the blue and most people still wouldn't see that as a good thing. They would say that someone must have found out or threatened to tell you and he wanted to give you his story first. It's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't thing. There are also people who would say he only told you to ease his conscience and dump it on you.
> 
> ...


Is it a possibility that he wants you to make the hard decision and end the marriage by telling you this now? Are you working Athena? I'd start getting my life in order if I were you in case this doesn't work. Unfortunately , no one can tell you what the outcome could be, it's up to you if you can stomach the pain along the way to try to rebuild a marriage without trust with a man who's shown he's lacking in integrity and morals.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

QuietRiot said:


> For me, I think these things and dissect them because it points to the character of the person. In my mind, someone who allows themselves to hide it and never come clean, someone who never planned on breaking it off and wouldn’t have, is much different character than a person who faces it, comes clean of their own accord and had broke it off because they couldn’t live that way or realized fully the weight of their bad decisions and did something about it... not doing an “oh ****” after the affair didn’t work out... and “hope that never comes out!”
> 
> Maybe it doesn’t matter for many, and I can see your point there...but for those reasons it does matter to me. A lot actually. Granted, everyone decides what they can and can’t deal with on their own. This is just a few of the many complexities of emotion when you are betrayed I suppose.


I don't disagree with you. I think it can point to the character of the person, but it's not really a black and white thing (to me at least, everyone is different and I'm not saying you're wrong!).

If the WS was caught during the affair that doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't have stopped and come clean later. Someone who ends it and hides it might have been working up the courage to come clean. Someone who hides it might feel like **** but thinks they would feel worse telling the BS, so they "spare" them that hurt. Someone could hide it and not plan on ending it, and do a complete 180 after getting caught and going through therapy. Or, someone could confess because they were having more of an exit affair and they want their BS to be the bad guy or pull the plug because they are a coward. Or they may only be confessing because they are afraid they will get caught, or someone threatened to tell, and they want to do as much damage control as possible. So, to me, it's hard to figure out someone's intentions just based on potentially bad timing and whether they came clean on not.

As an example I suppose... My wife was sleeping with one of the OM (off and on) for years and she had this pattern for about half that time:

She called off the affair for two years, at the end of those two years bought relationship and after infidelity books, then restarted the affair a month later, ****ed him for 3 months, then called it off for a year. Towards the end of that year "off" she bought CSA books (huge part of her cheating), then restarted the affair again, ****ed him for a year, then called it off for a year. Immediately after calling it off she bought ending affairs type books and she never did confess but did start feeling me out I think. Towards the end of her year "off" she bought another book, then restarted the affair a month later until getting caught. Somewhere in there she had a therapist who told her to stop cheating and not tell me even though she wanted to (I doubt she actually would have though).

So she didn't tell me, I'm not sure she ever would have, and she ****ed him right up until she was caught (and for a while after). But was she wanting to quit and confess? Maybe, and it does help a bit. It used to be a huge issue for me that she would have kept on cheating but eventually I did stop thinking about it like that and what could have been no longer bothers me.

I do agree though that it is a good thing if the WS comes clean on their own, IF they are doing it for the right reason. The BS would be (or should be) uncertain either way though because they can't trust the WS's motives.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

if she hadn’t moved away, wouid he still be banging her? Of course he will say no. What’s the reason? If he says his conscience, he’s a liar. 

Why does he NOW love you? I will say that a man’s feelings when he truly loves someone, are not as easy to drive completely away as a woman’s. But why did he stop loving you and fall for her?

lots of questions, with no hope of straight answers. A polygragh I feel isn’t all hat reliable, but I do think you have not gotten all the truth. ChRick his expression when you ask for the other woman’s phone number that he supposedly hates. If he stalls in the least, he’s protecting himself or her, either being really bad.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Thats why I suggested a lie detector test as you have no idea if you have had the truth or not. If my husband had done what your has, I wouldnt trust a word he said.


Would lie detector results really matter, or would it just be a way of holding his feet to the fire so he got burned? Because after saying, if it had been your husband, you wouldn't believe a word he said... what's the point to the lie detector test? Is it for your benefit, or to punish the WS?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> I don't disagree with you. I think it can point to the character of the person, but it's not really a black and white thing (to me at least, everyone is different and I'm not saying you're wrong!).
> 
> If the WS was caught during the affair that doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't have stopped and come clean later. Someone who ends it and hides it might have been working up the courage to come clean. Someone who hides it might feel like **** but thinks they would feel worse telling the BS, so they "spare" them that hurt. Someone could hide it and not plan on ending it, and do a complete 180 after getting caught and going through therapy. Or, someone could confess because they were having more of an exit affair and they want their BS to be the bad guy or pull the plug because they are a coward. Or they may only be confessing because they are afraid they will get caught, or someone threatened to tell, and they want to do as much damage control as possible. So, to me, it's hard to figure out someone's intentions just based on potentially bad timing and whether they came clean on not.
> 
> ...


You have some valid points here. I can’t disagree with you either! I guess it comes down to how we look at things in the context of our lives and experiences and what we feel means more or less in the grand scheme of things.

I think it’s good the OP has different viewpoints because maybe she’ll ultimately feel how he came clean is not pertinent... or maybe she will. At least she can consider both perspectives.


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