# Shoul I marry a chronically ill man?



## michelle0115 (Dec 8, 2011)

This is the first time I've posted on a forum, but I've been searching for answers and haven't found any. I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 16. I am now 23 and he is 24. Hes been on disability for the past 2-3 years although when we first started dating he was working full time. He has severe chrone's disease and ulcerative colitis. I love him so much and I know without a doubt that if he was healthier I would marry him in a heartbeat. I really want children and he does too. If I marry him, I will be the only one working. I fear having children with a man that is sick and cannot give them everything they deserve. I fear being the only one bringing in an income (I am in nursing school). I am happy right now, but we don't live together and I wonder if that will change if we move in together and I'm supporting him. His illness causes so many problems. The emotional stress of him being in chronic pain and not feeling like hes contributing, the finacial stress of supporting a sick man (with medical bills), the depression he goes through. I love him very very much. I feel guilt at the though of leaving him and hurting him so. He wants to marry me and is 100% commited to me and our potential future kids. I also worry that he is the one great love of my life and I may be making the greatest mistake of my life. He says that love is what matters most, but I havent put myself through school so I can struggle. I'm just so confused, and I don't know what I should do.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It takes a very strong and special love to accept those kinds of things. Something that very few people think about when they take their marriage vows (in sickness and in health) is that it is quite possible that their spouse could be severely injured or develop a chronic illness at any time. When I married my husband, he was fit as a fiddle. I had no way of knowing that he wouldn't be hurt or get sick the next day - but I married him anyway. If it did happen, would I LEAVE him? Of course not. In your case, you know about it in advance. 

Only you know whether you love him deeply enough to make the sacrifices necessary to be his wife. People with healthy partners really ought to consider the same thing before getting married. 

All that said, I can appreciate the vast difference between the wife of a healthy man (i.e., I) talking about how IF he got sick, I would never leave, and a woman (you) considering marrying an ACTUALLY sick man. I do think that if you make financial stability an important goal in your life, you can achieve it even in a single-income household. It just takes budgeting and sacrifice. But that is not a bad thing.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I couldn't and wouldn't.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

is he independently wealthy?

if not then yea what the hell there arn't that many men in the world.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Love is only part of what makes a successful marriage and family. Resentment can build over the years if one partner is unable to pull their weight regardless of the circumstances. Are you a pillar of strength that thrives on rescuing men? Will you be happy with a stay at home husband? Is this man a good genetic candidate? These are personal choices but there is no question that you will be the one carrying the load. At some point in the future you may seek out someone who can help you carry the load because you became emotionally exhausted.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I broke my neck nearly 4 years ago. I'm disabled and live in severe chronic pain. I'm homebound and my husband supports me 100%. He is always there right by my side asking if there is something he can do to make me feel better. I'm in my mid-late 30's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Love is only part of what makes a successful marriage and family. Resentment can build over the years if one partner is unable to pull their weight regardless of the circumstances. Are you a pillar of strength that thrives on rescuing men? Will you be happy with a stay at home husband? Is this man a good genetic candidate? These are personal choices but there is no question that you will be the one carrying the load. At some point in the future you may seek out someone who can help you carry the load because you became emotionally exhausted.


Excellent post! Love is only one of many critical ingredients in a successful marriage. A shared vision of the lifestyle you want together is important, as are similar values, and compatibility in terms of future goals and dreams.

However, if you thrive on rescuing men, stick with this guy because all you will do is find a similar type and be burdened with someone else who cannot be an equal partner in terms of what they bring to the table.

It is not shameful to want a husband who is healthy enough to live life fully. If he is too sick to work, that will impact every aspect of your life, as you so astutely point out.

There is no easy answer. The only advice I would give you is to NOT marry before you are 30. You are too young to get married right now and still have a lot of growing to do as a person before you can even know what you want out of life and a husband. 

You could decide to break up, see other people, and then decide to get back together. Only knowing one boyfriend your whole life does not allow you to know what you really want, need, desire, etc. 

Good luck!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I have Crohn's disease, and have spent about 30-40% of the last ten years on and off Disability insurance. If my wife left me Id be pissed. I would understand, but....

How much of a routine is your bf in? Does he keep track of his meals, moods and bm's? Does he take a lot of medication? Is he actively trying to better himself?

The first several years are crap, pun intended. But with a mindset that you want to get better, and not just mindlessly taking your meds, which only fix symptoms in UC (chron's is a different beast), he may get better.

I found that meds and support groups leave you feeling like a victim. And you go these support groups and everyone is crying and "there" for one another, but nobody ever gets better. I went back after a year of being mostly healthy and was amazed that not a single person there had made a shred of gain against the disease...

Just because he is the way he is now, doesnt mean he will always be.

But if he is under the mindset that he will forever and always be disabled, and he will never get better then he wont. He also wont be husband material.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> I have Crohn's disease, and have spent about 30-40% of the last ten years on and off Disability insurance. If my wife left me Id be pissed. I would understand, but....
> 
> How much of a routine is your bf in? Does he keep track of his meals, moods and bm's? Does he take a lot of medication? Is he actively trying to better himself?
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you suffer from this. A close friend of mine suffers from it as well and I've watched her just go through hell 

I think it's different if you marry someone and then they get sick..."in sickness and in health", right?

But to marry into it? I just couldn't.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I told my H that if he were to get in an accident that made it so he couldnt work that he better find something to do or I would have to leave him. There's no excuse to sit around and be worthless and depressed. It's not good for anyone and there is no possibility for happiness in that situation. It's not about his illness; its about how he handles his illness. If he's depressed and sitting around all day then he's not emotionally healthy and things will get ugly. Be open and honest about your concerns about his lack of contribution to the relationship. We all have to have the conversation with the ones we love at some point.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I told my H that if he were to get in an accident that made it so he couldnt work that he better find something to do or I would have to leave him. There's no excuse to sit around and be worthless and depressed. It's not good for anyone and there is no possibility for happiness in that situation. It's not about his illness; its about how he handles his illness. If he's depressed and sitting around all day then he's not emotionally healthy and things will get ugly. Be open and honest about your concerns about his lack of contribution to the relationship. We all have to have the conversation with the ones we love at some point.


I am guessing you've never had chronic pain or illness? It sucks.

When the pain is soooo bad that meds don't even help, it sucks even more. You think about just ending it all because life sucks the way it is. You can't think past the pain, the condition. It consumes your entire being. You can't help it. Every step is painful. You can't engage in normal social life because of the pain/condition.

I was there for a year. I worked, but would come home and lay down and do nothing else. The pain was so intense (horrible female issues that required surgery). I am ok now, but I understand chronic illness/pain. I just couldn't marry into it.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm married to someone with a chronic illness (I knew when we dated) his is severe, let's just say he needs a kidney. I can't answer for you but it is not easy, it takes more than just love, it takes A LOT OF Patience, Understading, dedication, but you will need a strong support system if you decide to marry him or else you will feel alone like your in a fish bowl. There are a lot of people that won't be able to understand what you have to go through unless they have been there themselves. I help out with my husband not just because I love him but because it is necessary, and hell how I looked at was If I could deal with a cheating a** no good lying cheating, chronic mulitiple Ex cheater? Then I can deal with a person who is perfect to me but has some health issues. I changed my thinking every person that has someone has something they have to work on, it can be from cheating, finances, or health. I have the perfect husband who doesn't have the perfect body but Imade peace with that and I'm ok with that, but it takes more than moxy to pull this off, somedays your strong, some days your weak, some days your crying because sometimes you can't help when they are in pain. Learn that you can't do everything but the things your able to do just do your best. Good Luck to you and if you need to talk I know all to well the boat your in.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I told my H that if he were to get in an accident that made it so he couldnt work that he better find something to do or I would have to leave him. There's no excuse to sit around and be worthless and depressed. It's not good for anyone and there is no possibility for happiness in that situation. It's not about his illness; its about how he handles his illness. If he's depressed and sitting around all day then he's not emotionally healthy and things will get ugly. Be open and honest about your concerns about his lack of contribution to the relationship. We all have to have the conversation with the ones we love at some point.


i actually agree with this. and i do suffer from chronic pain. for the past 8 years i have suffered from chronic cluster headaches. i know what your thinking, take an aspirin and lie down... i get that all the time. the truth is, cluster headaches are called suicide headaches for a damn good reason. they sometimes cause me to clench so hard that i literaly bleed through the skin on my face. women who suffer from cluster headaches have described them as worse than childbirth without medication. i have broken ribs, passed kidney stones, suffered gout, and experienced kidney failure due to muscle damage, and nothing comes close to a bad cluster headache.

i should also mention that i am a paratrooper in the 82nd airborne, i lead men and am among the best the conventional army has. im stubborn as hell and will live life regardless of my condition. 

you would be surprised at what someone with a chronic illness can accomplish when they dig their heels in and grit their teeth.

your boyfriend has to make the decision to get up and move. if he does, he will surprise the hell out of you.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

michelle0115 said:


> This is the first time I've posted on a forum, but I've been searching for answers and haven't found any. I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 16. I am now 23 and he is 24. Hes been on disability for the past 2-3 years although when we first started dating he was working full time. He has severe chrone's disease and ulcerative colitis. I love him so much and I know without a doubt that if he was healthier I would marry him in a heartbeat. I really want children and he does too. If I marry him, I will be the only one working. I fear having children with a man that is sick and cannot give them everything they deserve. I fear being the only one bringing in an income (I am in nursing school). I am happy right now, but we don't live together and I wonder if that will change if we move in together and I'm supporting him. His illness causes so many problems. The emotional stress of him being in chronic pain and not feeling like hes contributing, the finacial stress of supporting a sick man (with medical bills), the depression he goes through. I love him very very much. I feel guilt at the though of leaving him and hurting him so. He wants to marry me and is 100% commited to me and our potential future kids. I also worry that he is the one great love of my life and I may be making the greatest mistake of my life. He says that love is what matters most, but I havent put myself through school so I can struggle. I'm just so confused, and I don't know what I should do.


Love conquers all things. Follow your heart. Your heart cannot deceive you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I learned before marriage that my future wife was very likely bipolar, but depression was the thing that really began to impact her life. Weekly migraines, along with symptoms like Chrohn's at times, too.

The feelings you convey sound very similar to me in the way that you judge yourself, and what this will make you feel like either way. Maybe be honest with yourself and realize that you just can't make a permanent decision yet that involves the word "never", because it feels like betrayal. It is okay to tell him that you need to break it off for a couple of years at this critical point of your life. To be honest, I thought that I was done in the maturing and growing arena by your age, but I sure was wrong. You will change when you transition from nursing to the workforce. One day, the answer will come to you, and it will feel right.

You can tell him that if he needs to receive this as "no", he can, for his own closure, but its not 'no' for you at this point. You just need to be away from the immediacy of the situation, and breaking it off is the only way to do so.

I wish you luck in either way you go.

Pain can inspire a person, or it can break them. I have a very rare muscle disease. The doctor tells me that most people just have to go on disability because our muscles are in so much pain that we just quit. Once you become sedentary, paralysis sets in. It would be hard to hear it if my wife told me before we married that she would leave me, but I'd rather hear that than finding out how she really felt through a multitude of cutting hurts in the way she thought of me as a husband. But the real point is this: Look at how the other poster viewed the same disease. He talks about overcoming. Enduring and striving for normalcy. From my own life, I would have to think you'd see this potential in your boyfriend if it were there. Look hard at how he appears to handle the challenge. That may be enough to help you make your decision.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

My stbxw suffered chronic illness, but usually only when I tried to initiate sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Maybe I'm just cold hearted, but I don't think you should marry a man that you have to take care of. Your marriage cannot thrive on love. I don't see how it can thrive when a wife is taking care of a husband as if he were one of her children. That's a very different kind of love. Plus, you are so very young. You are allowing your choice at the age of 16, and your present guilt over abandoning a sick person, to dictate the remaining course of your life. 

You really owe it to yourself to experience life a bit more before commiting to him. Break up with him but tell him that in 6 months or a year, possibly you will get back with him once you are "sure" that this is what you want.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Honestly ,if It was ME, I wouldn't have the heart to do it, Not everyone can take on a "caretaker" role without some form of resentment building over time, then you carry this extra load of 
guilt for feeling this way -cause it is not their fault, it just makes it harder. I feel it takes a very very very special person to go into a marraige at a young age as yourself and love like that. I also don't feel LOVE is enough ....not for the majority of us. But maybe you are the exception, only you will know this in your heart if you search it carefully. 

For now, you are not settled enough to marry him . 

But this is heartbreaking for him, I mean, life is so very very very freaking unfair. It isn't any easier having these types of things happen within marraige either, after the vows, it is heartbreaking then too, depending on the severity of the condition of coarse. 

There is always someone who is in a similar boat who could come along and be a shining light in his life, never feel you are the end all. At our Church, there is this couple, not sure how they manage accually, but they are both blind !! They love each other to peices, always together, but I noticed other people have to lead them around at church, always hand in hand. BUt you have to smile, even they found someone to share their life with.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Plus, you are so very young. You are allowing your choice at the age of 16, and your present guilt over abandoning a sick person, to dictate the remaining course of your life.
> 
> You really owe it to yourself to experience life a bit more before commiting to him. Break up with him but tell him that in 6 months or a year, possibly you will get back with him once you are "sure" that this is what you want.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

In my opinion, you don't sound like YOU want to marry him. You have the right to decide to marry or not marry someone.

There's a whole lot more to life and to a successful relationship than just love. You have to be compatible in many other ways. Does this man meet the vision of what you want in a life partner for the next 80 years?

I am also quite concerned that you have dated him since you were 16. It means you and he have little to no other dating experience. If you were my daughter (I have two in college), I would advise against marrying your one boyfriend. I would advise you to date some other men so that you get some perspective.

Whatever you do, don't marry him because he loves you or because you feel some kind of duty towards him.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

kallywana said:


> Love conquers all things. Follow your heart. Your heart cannot deceive you.


Did you really? What a line of BS.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Thor said:


> Whatever you do, don't marry him because he loves you or because you feel some kind of duty towards him.


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are not sure then don't marry him.


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

don't do it


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

If you're asking the questions now, believe me when I say things only get harder after saying "I do." If this was right for you, you'd be wanting to marry him no matter what. Since you're even asking the question, that tells me you need to let him down gently and then move on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sorry to bring this thread back up. This situation and some of the responses here are so heartbreaking.

OP has put in 6-7 years of her life into this relationship. Forget about marriage or any legal paperwork. Relationship is relationship and I think it's irrelevant if you are married or not (even though I respect women's "milestone" when it comes to marriage and all that).

I fail to understand how "not being married yet" should drive OP's decision to leave her loved one......that needs her support during some VERY rough time....more than ever......

But at the same time, if they would be already married....many are recommending to "stay".

I can't comprehend this logic.

Really REALLY sad I must say.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

DoF said:


> OP has put in 6-7 years of her life into this relationship.
> 
> I fail to understand how "not being married yet" should drive OP's decision to leave her loved one......that needs her support during some VERY rough time....more than ever......
> 
> I can't comprehend this logic.


Does the fact that the OP was only 16 when she met this young man not make a difference DoF? 

Would you advise your daughter to marry a chronically sick man because she was in a 6-7 relationship with him?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> Does the fact that the OP was only 16 when she met this young man not make a difference DoF?


Not at all, what counts is the success and length of commitment. 6-7 years is a long term relationship and clearly they love each other and have been doing great if they made it that long.

If anything, young age is actually a better thing. They beat the odds and made it through period of time where SO many fall apart.

Guess how I can relate? Wife and I started at 16. 



coffee4me said:


> Would you advise your daughter to marry a chronically sick man because she was in a 6-7 relationship with him?


If she loved him and had a healthy/good relationship with him. I would be so proud of her for taking such step and probably would bring tears into my eyes. 

By all means, yes. I would never EVER recommend a loved one ditching their partner because they get sick.

That is a REALLY messed up thing to do IMO. If I got my disease at 6-7 year mark and my wife or girlfriend (again, marriage status is irrelevant) said she is leaving be because of something I can't control/wrong cards dealt etc.........well, I wouldn't hold her back (cause I think it takes a certain kind of person to take such step).......and I would devastated.

And with this kind of disease, one is already SO humiliated and devastated that such action from partner would be just.........I have no words for it.

I can't even begin to tell you how important family support is with this disease. And perhaps I have a different outlook because I have it myself.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

You sound like you love him but loving someone and committing your life to them are two different things. That is why people keep divorcing because they don't do both but think they are the same. If you are ready to love and commit your life to him then yes. Do it. 

You said you do not live together right now. If you want to marry him try living together first to see if it is something you can handle it. You are still young so you have time.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This thread is 3 years old. OP is long gone...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> You sound like you love him but loving someone and committing your life to them are two different things. That is why people keep divorcing because they don't do both but think they are the same. If you are ready to love and commit your life to him then yes. Do it.
> 
> You said you do not live together right now. If you want to marry him try living together first to see if it is something you can handle it. You are still young so you have time.


I think OP is long gone, again, my apologies for bring up this thread.

I do like your advice. Living together is important step prior to long term commitment IMO.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

This is a tough one. If you love him, and he takes good care of you and loves you and your kids unconditionally, it seems like a no-brainier. However, I think you are hesitant because you know if you marry him you will be faced with more stresses and problems that will come with marrying him (not because he is a bad guy but because of his situation) and I don't necessarily think that is what you want in your life right now, which it 100% OKAY! 
What is your gut telling you to do? Listen to your gut first, not your heart. You know what the right thing for YOU to do is, and if you don't take care of yourself first, prior to marriage, then you won't be the best wife you can be.


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