# Messed Up Pretty Bad



## smb99 (Apr 11, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 5 year old son. When I was 18, I enlisted in the army and we were married after basic training. During my time in the army I went on 2 deployments and spent a lot of time away from her. I treated her pretty badly emotionally. I was really distant and even when I was home I wasn't really there. We went through these cycles where as I was prepping to deploy I would get even more distant than normal and she would try to cling and it would make me angry and we would fight about it. While I was deployed I would talk about how I wanted to leave her and live my life without her nagging. But when I would get back, I never did any of that. We wouldn't fight and we would be happy. 

Until I got back from my 2nd deployment. The whole time I was there it was like I was always angry, and it didn't stop when I got back. I began to compound all the stress and anger that I felt and directed it at her. I drank, a lot. She put up with all of it and more and I was still angry. I got out of the army in January, but in December I told my wife I was done. I wanted a divorce. I hated my job, I hated what I was doing, I was just pissed off all of the time. 

Then I got out of the army and my anger began to just...dissipate. I realize how much of an ass I had been to my wife and that I love her. I looked at myself in the mirror and now that all my friends were gone, I just saw an angry messed up drunk. So I cut back on the drinking. I've gone from every day to maybe once a month and only a few. That anger I had was gone. But something else has taken its place. I am alone. 

I told my wife I wanted her back and that I was sorry for everything I had done. I found out she's been dating this guy essentially such we separated. I've taken my son on days she originally had him so she could see this guy and I really honestly feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It ****ing hurts, I don't want to eat and I have to fight myself daily to keep myself from drowning myself in a bottle. When I first came to her she told me she wanted to try to fix us. Now she says that she isn't sure.

Since asking her to come back I have been more communicative then I have ever been with anyone in my life and it scares me out of my mind. I told her everything about everything and I think it may be too late. I feel like everything is coming to a head and some days I just want to suck start my .45 so I don't have to deal with her leaving (or not coming back). I understand why she's hesitant, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think its the other way round. I know this whole thing is my fault and that I'm the one to blame. I don't know what I'm going to do if she decides not to come back. I already feel like my life is in shambles and that I'm one step away from freefall.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry for what you are going through.. but you brought this on yourself. 

Why would she want to stay with a man who treated her the way you did? 

Now your talk about suicide and free falls is not going to get her back either. It will mess up your life every bit as much as your constant anger and mistreatment of her.

Have you told her about your suicidal thoughts?

Instead why not use this time to reflect on your mistakes in the past and to start working on yourself to become the best man you can be. You have a child who needs his father. So man up for your child. 

What are the things that you are doing for yourself these days? What are you doing to become a better person and a better father?


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## smb99 (Apr 11, 2015)

No, I haven't told anyone about them. I'm going to school and work. If I'm not with my son that's what I do. My relationship with my son has never been an issue, I know I'm a great dad, just not a husband.


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

The military can put huge stress on a marriage especially with deployments. My stbx and I both were extremely detached when prepping for them. Your .45 isn't the answer, all it's going to do is leave your 5 year old heart broken. There's tons of vets that would be willing to talk to you that can relate to your situation. You can private message me I'm always willing to talk.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Steer clear of doing yourself in. Your son will always need you. Have you communicated your thoughts and feelings with your wife as clearly as you have done here?

How long have you been separated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smb99 said:


> No, I haven't told anyone about them. I'm going to school and work. If I'm not with my son that's what I do. My relationship with my son has never been an issue, I know I'm a great dad, just not a husband.


If you are a great dad, then stop the thoughts of suicide... for your son if not for yourself.

Many schools have free counseling. There is also the VA. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. 

Do you get much physical exercise? This is very good for you both mentally and physically.

You can learn to be a good husband. Our society does a very lousy job of teaching us how to have healthy marriages. So we have to learn this on our own, usually while we are having marriage problems.

You need to figure out why you treated your wife the way you did when you thought you could and why now that she has left you suddenly want her so much. You need to figure this out so that you do not repeat this pattern in the future.

There are some books that I think will help you. They might help to get your wife back if that's what you want. They will also help if you move on to another relationship. Read them in the order below, they are all by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving An Affair"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

"Love Busters"


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

SMB, I'm glad that you're here. I have some questions for you.

How long ago did you ETS?
Where, and for how long, were your 2 deployments?
Is PTSD from those deployments a possibility?
If yes, have you sought any kind of treatment from the VA for that?

And finally a request. Read the thread in my signature. Take the pledge. There is a whole community of Veterans helping Veterans. Send me a PM, and I'll give you my number. For your son, for yourself, for every other Veteran, don't allow yourself to become one of the 22.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

She doesn't want to come back NOW because she has a new guy in her life. Maybe things won't work out and she'll come back. Use this time to better yourself!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why did you request a divorce?

Putting your happiness in the hands of your ex simply gives her an additional burden.

Sandie is right that you need to think beyond the next couple of months. Maybe it will take her some time to figure out whether the new guy is a keeper.

What are you studying?

Go to AA. 

Hit the gym hard.

If you are in super shape, doing well in school, cheerful, etc. she will notice the change for sure. But you have to stick to it for months to remake your image.

Being the baby sitter while your wife has sex with another man is depressing. But taking care of your son is not an obligation but an opportunity.

Do you own a handgun? Get rid of it until your depression is over.

What sports or hobbies do you have?


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## smb99 (Apr 11, 2015)

Lone Shadow said:


> SMB, I'm glad that you're here. I have some questions for you.
> 
> How long ago did you ETS?
> Where, and for how long, were your 2 deployments?
> ...


I went on terminal back in January, but ETS'd March 3. I did one 7/2 month tour in Iraq/Kuwait and a 9 month tour in Afghanistan. I've been to the VA and they said I have depression and anxiety I have another appointment with them later this month. But that's about it. 

My exercise is on and off, some days I do it and some days I don't. I don't really have any hobbies I'm able to do right now. I love to hike and camp, but there just isn't a good time for that right now. 

I told her I wanted a divorce because I was angry over some really petty things and I directed a lot of anger that I had from the army towards her. Then I got out of the army and have started to realize that I just really hated the environment I was in. I was just being really selfish and unfair. 

Its not so much that I mind having my son, I love it when we can go play together and hang out, it was becoming and every week thing and thats what bothers me about it.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

SMB, I hate to tell you this, but it's something that you need to be aware of.

You haven't hit angry yet. You will, just in time for the holidays. It's somewhere around 8-9 months after you ETS where you'll wake up one day and not know who you are, or what you're supposed to do with your life now that you aren't a service member. 

You need a support network. You need a battle buddy now more than ever.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Dude,
Your life probably isn't worth living right now, I get that, but that doesn't mean you can't have a life worth living.

Life is the sum of our choices. You choose this, and its hell... Why would you think it would be better for you or your boy if you check out now?

Fvck that, start making better choices today, start respecting yourself so you are capable of respecting a woman.

It doesn't have to be pretty, just worth living.

My son's mother left me, to see if things were better with another guy, I nearly ODd on barbiturates, 8 years later, new wife, is worse than my ex, but I'm glad I'm still alive.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Smb99, sorry you are going thru this.

Your W isnt' worth the suffering, yes you did screw up with your anger, understandable. Your son needs you forever in his life, you are his hero, he looks up to you, drop that suicide ****. Do you want other men to be your son's father figure in his life if you blow your brains out?. Women come and go but fathers do not.

vent all you want, we are here for each other., I'm going thru some hard times myself.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. I would say start a VA counseling process and definitely lean on any help you can get.

If she is going to come back to you, she needs to see a man who is working on himself. That will be the stringest catnip there is for her.

If there is one thing we know here , it's how to vent so please vent away.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

Hey SMB, check in with us. Let us know how you're doing. 

Also, my offer still stands. If you feel a need or want to talk to a real person, instead of a bunch of pixels on your computer, shoot me a PM and I'll give you my cell. I've made that offer to every Vet on this forum in the post my sig links to.


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