# Sex, porn and confusion.



## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

The basics
1st time poster here. I'm very happy with my wife. She is awesome. I don't want to change anything about her in general. 
me 40, her 32, 3 kids. 
The subject is porn and sex. With 3 kids it ain't always easy to find "us" time but we do, not as often as we both want but we make do.
Personally, porn and self playing don't bother me in the least. I find it sexy. 
Anytime and anywhere as far as I'm concerned. With me, for me, without me and I'm all good. I'm pretty liberal on that subject. 
Wife plays without me too, won't admit to 2 percent of it though, hides it, lies to me about it, uses porn, has a go to genre even. It still doesn't bother me much.
It bothers her lot when I do though. We've had big fights about it. She says it make her feel inadequate and brings up bad feelings of a past when it was used against her for manipulations and other types of emotional abuse. I get that. I really do. 
She demands I don't ever for any reason. I wonder though, why she lies to me about it? As far as I'm concerned it could be fun if we watched together. I've even mentioned it and the idea was shot down pretty damn fast. Even watching a racey late night movie together is out of the question. 
Just curious what others thought about it and how I might improve the situation for us both. 
I don't know why she feels the need to lie to me about it when I've told her over and over that I don't care she does it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My thought is that she's a giant hypocrite. She DEMANDS you don't ever use porn but she herself uses it???? And, lies? So, she's a controlling liar, basically.

If I were you I'd continue to use it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She lies because if she admits to using porn she can't control your use without looking like a giant asshole.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Huh


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

If I were in your situation, I would make it my life's work TO CATCH HER IN THE ACT.
I would then have documentation of her on line history handy to strengthen my argument
I would figuratively rub her snout in her hypocrisy and make it clear to her that her fiat of "Rules for thee and not for me" ain't gonna cut it.
Either you both have the right to porn, or no one has the right to porn.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She never said you couldn’t star in a porn.

Obviously that’s a joke.

So tell us exactly how is it that you know for a fact she is checking out porn? Hard evidence?

When she says manipulation and emotional abuse was that done by you to her ?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I recently quit porn and lasted 155 days just as an experiment. If my wife actually asked me to stop and she was willing to make accommodations for it I think it would be fine. If she was looking at it during the same time though that is plain stupid.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> quit porn and lasted 155 days


Wow that’s a long time. I’m impressed. With me working away from home 55% of the time I just couldn’t do it …..


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Wow that’s a long time. I’m impressed. With me working away from home 55% of the time I just couldn’t do it …..


I have quit it longer than that before.

If it was under threat like “or else“ I could stop forever with no issues.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> My thought is that she's a giant hypocrite. She DEMANDS you don't ever use porn but she herself uses it???? And, lies? So, she's a controlling liar, basically.
> 
> If I were you I'd continue to use it.


That pretty much sums it up. 
Here's a kicker, she isn't like that in any other aspect. Just porn. I do still look/use porn. I just have to hide it to keep peace and if I'm asked, I'm honest about it. It's kinda ridiculous.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> If I were in your situation, I would make it my life's work TO CATCH HER IN THE ACT.
> I would then have documentation of her on line history handy to strengthen my argument
> I would figuratively rub her snout in her hypocrisy and make it clear to her that her fiat of "Rules for thee and not for me" ain't gonna cut it.
> Either you both have the right to porn, or no one has the right to porn.


Oh that's happened before. It's how I know. I see it on the router as internet traffic. Plain as day. I have some hidden cams set up to documenting this so I know how often, when, how long, what's watched, etc. I feel kinda creepy doing it but I did because of the last blow up about it. I'm just protecting myself that's all if it comes up again another day. It probably will at some point and if I do release it, it'll be a whole nother fight to deal with as well. Plus it's just sorta creepy and the trust we have would for sure be destroyed. I'm personally at peace with it cause, we'll, you know, you gotta let a lot of **** go in a marriage. If we were to agree no porn for either, we'll then I'm shooting myself in the balls aren't I? It's seems the best scenario is her get over it.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

HappyConfused I would suggest you ditch the porn for her sake. Ask more questions about how it makes her feel. It may trigger fears of rejection and loneliness, things she may not readily admit but I don’t think you want to make her feel that way. In the long run it does nothing for intimacy anyway and causes more harm than good. It may feel like a double standard but it really isn’t. You are okay with it and have communicated to her that you are okay with her doing so. She is honouring you, and you can do the same and show love by respecting her boundaries. This is the way marriage works.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> She never said you couldn’t star in a porn.
> 
> Obviously that’s a joke.
> 
> ...


Past abusive relationship years and years prior to me. A long gone situation if young kids thinking they can love their way past it and the other a narcissistic asshat who now lives in prison for beating a women to near death. That women is actually now living an assisted life due to the traumatic brain injury from "not listening".


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

Do you love porn more than building trust and intimacy with your wife? How is the best scenario for her to get over it? So you can go separate ways and get off on porn? How about ditching it and add some motivation to find creative ways to get together? You can tell her she’s your one and only now that the porn tap has been sealed shut.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> HappyConfused I would suggest you ditch the porn for her sake. Ask more questions about how it makes her feel. It may trigger fears of rejection and loneliness, things she may not readily admit but I don’t think you want to make her feel that way. In the long run it does nothing for intimacy anyway and causes more harm than good. It may feel like a double standard but it really isn’t. You are okay with it and have communicated to her that you are okay with her doing so. She is honouring you, and you can do the same and show love by respecting her boundaries. This is the way marriage works.


The idea is sound except that we don't get to have sex but once a week or sometimes more so if neither one of are getting a release then we are grouchy a lot and that's not good for anyone. 
if we suffer, we suffer together is a good sentiment and mentality but if your horny and can't get off, well, that makes life pretty crappy don't ya think?


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

You don’t need porn to masturbate. If can’t masturbate without porn you don’t really need a physical release. Would your wife let you record your own erotic movies or pictures? The more you attach sex with spouse the better.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> Do you love porn more than building trust and intimacy with your wife? How is the best scenario for her to get over it? So you can go separate ways and get off on porn? How about ditching it and add some motivation to find creative ways to get together? You can tell her she’s your one and only now that the porn tap has been sealed shut.


Of course not. I adore her. She really is a total bad ass and drop dead sexy on top of all that. She is quite literally the women all men want. 
A freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets....
But isn't afraid to get her hands dirty working beside a man doing literally anything. In fact, I've seen her outwork many men.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> You don’t need porn to masturbate. If can’t masturbate without porn you don’t really need a physical release. Would your wife let you record your own erotic movies or pictures? The more you attach sex with spouse the better.


That's true. She sends dirty pics on the regular actually. No shortage of a spank bank so to speak. I've also a fetish she won't do for me it's mostly about that. It's a fetish release for me. She has her own fetishes too based on the porn she watches but she hasn't ever released that info to me.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

I want to reiterate, how do you want to make her feel? What are you willing to sacrifice to keep watching porn? Know that there is a cause and effect for every action, and failure to consider her feelings will have a deteriorating effect on the relationship that will get worse with time. Then work on openness and communication. How can you solve it together to ensure needs are taken care of?


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

HappyCornfused said:


> That's true. She sends dirty pics on the regular actually. No shortage of a spank bank so to speak. I've also a fetish she won't do for me it's mostly about that. It's a fetish release for me. She has her own fetishes too based on the porn she watches but she hasn't ever released that info to me.


I add I've asked her if she wants to try stuff but she always says no, not interested at all. 
She likes hard rough porn, anal pain type stuff. 
Im down with it, she just wants to watch it I guess and not actually participate.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> I want to reiterate, how do you want to make her feel? What are you willing to sacrifice to keep watching porn? Know that there is a cause and effect for every action, and failure to consider her feelings will have a deteriorating effect on the relationship that will get worse with time. Then work on openness and communication. How can you solve it together to ensure needs are taken care of?


Kinda why I'm here my friend. Asking questions.
Of course I don't want to hurt her or me or us, the feelings are mutual. 
It's just this one thing I find peculiar. 
She likes porn, uses porn but hates it when I do. 
I don't really know the ideal solution.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you looking at porn is “triggering,” why doesn’t it “trigger” her when she looks at it? One would think porn in general would remind her of past trauma.

Her reasoning seems odd to me.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

HappyCornfused said:


> I've also a fetish she won't do for me it's mostly about that. It's a fetish release for me.


This might also be piling feelings of inadequacy since she won’t go there, at least not now. 

Food for thought.. Your spouse needs to know she is free to say no in order to ever give a free yes. She knows your fetish. Showing her that you are willing to sacrifice for her feelings may just build trust to the point that she gives her free yes to you. But giving must be free and with no expectations or it isn’t free. If she ever agrees to fulfill any fetish, the more likely path is to hear her on the porn issue. 

Also it sounds like you have a great woman here. I don’t think us men are ever fully satisfied with what’s on the menu. Focus on what you have and enjoy the gift that she is. Best of luck to you.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> If you looking at porn is “triggering,” why doesn’t it “trigger” her when she looks at it? One would think porn in general would remind her of past trauma.
> 
> Her reasoning seems odd to me.


Exactly the point I don't get either. I even told her I don't care, do it behind me, in front of me, whatever I just don't care about it all. 
Yet my words didn't seem to sink in.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

HappyCornfused said:


> I have some hidden cams set up to documenting this so I know how often, when, how long, what's watched, etc.


You have hidden cams in your house to spy on your wife masturbating? Yes, that’s creepy. Wow


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

HappyCornfused said:


> Exactly the point I don't get either. I even told her I don't care, do it behind me, in front of me, whatever I just don't care about it all.
> Yet my words didn't seem to sink in.


Hmm, does your wife seem jealous/insecure in general? It seems that there’s an insecurity around it and she must think that when you view it, she’s “not enough.” But, you could say the same thing back to her. lol

Whatever the reasons, she shouldn’t lie to you. That’s unhealthy. Even if you think it’s okay that she’s looking at it.

Edit to add - I reread and it’s equally odd that you’re recording her so you’re lying to her, too.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

HappyCornfused said:


> Oh that's happened before. It's how I know. I see it on the router as internet traffic. Plain as day. I have some hidden cams set up to documenting this so I know how often, when, how long, what's watched, etc. I feel kinda creepy doing it but I did because of the last blow up about it. I'm just protecting myself that's all if it comes up again another day. It probably will at some point and if I do release it, it'll be a whole nother fight to deal with as well. Plus it's just sorta creepy and the trust we have would for sure be destroyed. I'm personally at peace with it cause, we'll, you know, you gotta let a lot of **** go in a marriage. If we were to agree no porn for either, we'll then I'm shooting myself in the balls aren't I? It's seems the best scenario is her get over it.


Wow!

So you're filming your wife, while she has sex with you, while she masturbates alone and while she is sometimes naked. All without her informed consent.

Given that, of course you should feel creepy doing it, because you are being creepy. Not forgetting in lots of places it is a criminal offence to do what you're doing, and hopefully where you live as well.

Of which I hope your wife catches you and tells the police, so that what you're doing will be stopped.

As to destroying trust, you've already done that with your "criminal" conduct.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

One of the reasons I am anti-porn is because it changes the way men see women. It makes them nothing more than objects for pleasure. I struggled with it for a while and my wife could recognize that I didn’t treat her the same. I think the hidden cams show this. Porn inhibits true intimacy. It took me more than a decade to see it but the last few years have been the best ever. If only I could have a talk with my younger self.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Personal said:


> Wow!
> 
> So you're filming your wife, while she has sex with you, while she masturbates alone and while she is sometimes naked. All without her informed consent.
> 
> ...


Reminds me of Erin Andrews and the hotel peephole.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Northern.Guy said:


> One of the reasons I am anti-porn is because it changes the way men see women. It makes them nothing more than objects for pleasure. I struggled with it for a while and my wife could recognize that I didn’t treat her the same. I think the hidden cams show this. Porn inhibits true intimacy. It took me more than a decade to see it but the last few years have been the best ever. If only I could have a talk with my younger self.


Why don't you seem to have a problem with his wife using and lying about porn?


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> You have hidden cams in your house to spy on your wife masturbating? Yes, that’s creepy. Wow


Yeah I know, it was to prove my point if needed.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Hmm, does your wife seem jealous/insecure in general? It seems that there’s an insecurity around it and she must think that when you view it, she’s “not enough.” But, you could say the same thing back to her. lol
> 
> Whatever the reasons, she shouldn’t lie to you. That’s unhealthy. Even if you think it’s okay that she’s looking at it.
> 
> Edit to add - I reread and it’s equally odd that you’re recording her so you’re lying to her, too.


Yes I'm a way it is. By omission.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> One of the reasons I am anti-porn is because it changes the way men see women. It makes them nothing more than objects for pleasure. I struggled with it for a while and my wife could recognize that I didn’t treat her the same. I think the hidden cams show this. Porn inhibits true intimacy. It took me more than a decade to see it but the last few years have been the best ever. If only I could have a talk with my younger self.


I've got a real good grip in reality and absolutely don't think porn is anything close to real life. In fact, most of it is annoying to me for that reason. Over acted, over played, fake as hell, so much so it's so fake and so far from reality it's not even remotely interesting to me.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Wow!
> 
> So you're filming your wife, while she has sex with you, while she masturbates alone and while she is sometimes naked. All without her informed consent.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the input. I'll disagree with ya a few things. We are naked together more than clothes and neither of us are much inhibited in the regard. 
Its not criminal inside your own house by the way.
It is interesting what people do when they don't think people are watching. 
Pick, sctratch, fart, eat boogers, smell their own stink, etc. 
There's no judgment when people aren't looking I guess.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

HappyCornfused said:


> Its not criminal inside your own house by the way.


Think again.









Nonconsensual Taping of Sex Partners Is a Crime


During the spring of 2010, Colgate University student Michael Piznarski secretly recorded his sexual encounter with a woman in his bedroom (Jane Doe #1). That summer, Piznarski and Jane Doe #1 broke up. In the fall, he sent her Facebook messages informing her about the video and insinuated that...




www.forbes.com













Filming partner without their consent during sex ruled a criminal offence


CPS urgently reviewing court of appeal decision after judges reject voyeurism law defence




www.theguardian.com





That said I am done with you, and I hope your wife is able to bring you to justice.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

HappyCornfused said:


> It is interesting what people do when they don't think people are watching.
> Pick, sctratch, fart, eat boogers, smell their own stink, etc.
> There's no judgment when people aren't looking I guess.


Who needs porn when you can secretly spend hours a day watching your wife do that?


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

It's abuse man. Lots of women cry over this - but healthy, fair, well-adjusted women never care. What you do with YOURSELF that involves NO ONE ELSE with YOUR OWN BODY is nothing she has CONTROL over. ALL MEN MASTURBATE. If she doesn't like it tell her she can serve you papers. I've never tolerated this BS.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why don't you seem to have a problem with his wife using and lying about porn?


Thank you, BDNY. I was about to chime in. Glad someone else was on the same wave length as me. 

@Northern.Guy - everything you say is all fine in dandy, but it sounds like you are saying, "thank you ma'am, can I have another?". Are you suggesting the OP to completely cut off his balls or maybe just one of them? You can be afraid of porn all you want and talk about how it harmed your marriage. I agree - it definitely can harm marriages. Most guys in my opinion are not affected by porn in this adverse way just like most people can drink alcohol and not be an alcoholic. You are completely allowing OP's wife to get off free with some serious lying. 

HappyCornfused - it is not creepy that you had to spy on your wife. Know why? She was lying to you and gaslighting you. If your wife was cheating, no one here would have batted an eye if you set up a camera to catch her in the act. Not one person. But because she is lying to you about using porn and is shaming you for using it? All of a sudden you are a creep. Nope. Not in the least. If you didn't have that evidence, you would keep being gaslit. No thank you. 

Lastly - you have a tough road ahead. I dealt with a spouse that had old demons from past trauma. She never got over it and never cared to get healed. She let 20 years go by and allowed it infect and eventually destroy our marriage. I can sympathize with people that have past trauma - but when those same people allow their past trau trauma to destroy the life of someone else (especially the person they are supposed to love more than anything), then I look at them as selfish. That is your wife. She is playing the trauma card and assumes it gets her out of any accountability or responsibility. She will do this indefinitely as well unless she gets help. For me? No thanks. No more past trauma. It's not worth dealing with it. I wish you the best of luck. Your wife reminds me of my ex. Has to control everything because of her past trauma. It's miserable. You most likely need to find a way to help her understand that she doesn't get to control everything. That's not how marriages work.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

Porn supporters, no I don’t think it is good for her to watch it either, but I am not judging in this way since we have different values and I leave room for that. I don’t think both of you lying about it is good either. What I think is of greater importance in this situation is being in touch with our spouse’s feelings and promoting emotional health, which in this case means he should abstain. This is my last post since I see that porn is far too important for you and you won’t be stopping. You just want to rationalize and continue. Pretty sad solution.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Porn is harmless if you have the necessary intelligence to manage your impulses. Porn does not give you physical dependency, so it's all in your head.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Northern.Guy said:


> Porn supporters, no I don’t think it is good for her to watch it either, but I am not judging in this way since we have different values and I leave room for that. I don’t think both of you lying about it is good either. What I think is of greater importance in this situation is being in touch with our spouse’s feelings and promoting emotional health, which in this case means he should abstain. This is my last post since I see that porn is far too important for you and you won’t be stopping. You just want to rationalize and continue. Pretty sad solution.


 No, what’s sad is that you think porn use and his wife’s feelings is more important that her lying and OP’s feelings.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

HappyCornfused said:


> Oh that's happened before. It's how I know. I see it on the router as internet traffic. Plain as day. I have some hidden cams set up to documenting this so I know how often, when, how long, what's watched, etc. I feel kinda creepy doing it but I did because of the last blow up about it. I'm just protecting myself that's all if it comes up again another day. It probably will at some point and if I do release it, it'll be a whole nother fight to deal with as well. Plus it's just sorta creepy and the trust we have would for sure be destroyed. I'm personally at peace with it cause, we'll, you know, you gotta let a lot of **** go in a marriage. If we were to agree no porn for either, we'll then I'm shooting myself in the balls aren't I? It's seems the best scenario is her get over it.


Well, when you explain it that way, it really does sound creepy.
What I am proposing is much less sordid (and does not involve hidden cameras.)
Next time she is wherever with her electronic device cranking on her cookie, you barge in.
You catch her in the act, you have a roster of the router traffic verifying her actions, and point out the hypocrisy of her actions.
You then point out that if you have to give up the porn, she does too.
I'm not speaking on behalf of or defending porn; however, I am a firm believer in people walking their own talk.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Porn use is unacceptable in marriage. Odd how the divorce rate was much, much lower before the internet.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SCDad01 said:


> Odd how the divorce rate was much, much lower before the internet.


Maybe because people could not do a search to check if their partner was really such a bastard? Maybe coming to this board...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> Porn use is unacceptable in *my *marriage.


Fixed it for you

That done, I'm happy to share that in my (to date) 23 year marriage, both my wife and I think it's perfectly acceptable in ours.



> Odd how the divorce rate was much, much lower before the internet.


You are mistaken.

For example in the United States, the divorce and annulment rate has been declining for decades. Of which according to the CDC at 2020, the rate was at 2.3 per 1,000 total population. Not forgetting before the World Wide Web the divorce rate was at 5.2 divorces per 1,000 in 1980, 4 per 1,000 in 1972. In fact divorce rates per capita, haven't been as low as today, since circa 1960.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Porn use is unacceptable in marriage. Odd how the divorce rate was much, much lower before the internet.


Correlation, maybe, but certainly not causation.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Y'all's got off on a tangent here a little bit. 
Let me clear up some things. 
Out if a 1000 things I wouldn't change for anything in the world about my wife, this one thing....ain't worth a divorce to me. 
Yeah she may be not revealing the whole truth but too judge and say I tell her 100 percent of everything makes me a hypocrite as well. I don't believe anyone does in a relationship. Even if they say they do, I'll bet they don't.
Don't read that to mean I flat lie, but any human in world does the same thing so thst must mean humans are flawed in general and therefore should not be judged individually. 
I've accepted it as it is. Humans are complicated. 
I came here looking for ideas on how to improve it, for both of us. 
I've got some good answers and some answers I wouldn't have thought about before in that way.
She is sweet, kind, considerate, healthy, extremely smart, hard working, great parenting skills, has a great family and cooks and cleans and ****s and all the things a man would want. She isn't controlling, she isn't psycho, she isn't emotionally unstable, no excess baggage and normally very very open to whatever I set my sights on. I'm just trying to understand the hang up with internet porn better. I'm just looking for a better understanding of why she feels inadequate about it. It's clearly not because she thinks porn is real or some sort of replacement for real human touch and must feel she can handle it, but doesn't think I can handle it. I'm not even positive the past abusive relationship is all if it either. It could be just an a easy excuse for something much more deep seated she may not realize. 
she is super smart,'she has to know I do it, I know she does it, we both pretend it doesn't happen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She is controlling, though, when she tells you no porn, BUT THEN USES IT HERSELF.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

HappyCornfused said:


> Y'all's got off on a tangent here a little bit.
> Let me clear up some things.
> Out if a 1000 things I wouldn't change for anything in the world about my wife, this one thing....ain't worth a divorce to me.
> Yeah she may be not revealing the whole truth but too judge and say I tell her 100 percent of everything makes me a hypocrite as well. I don't believe anyone does in a relationship. Even if they say they do, I'll bet they don't.
> ...


The problem here is that only SHE knows the real deal as to what is going on.
None of us here know your wife.
Therefore, all we can do is look at the "Surface."
In looking at that, she appears to be hypocritical with at least controlling tendencies.
Only you can decide if all this bothers you. The scenario you outlined would bother the crap out of me.
However, it is your circus.
Your answer is in finding a way to get her to open up.
The scenario that I set up in my second post would give you the context to start and have that discussion.
If you are unable to get the reason(s) for her inconsistent behavior out of her, then perhaps a professional is necessary to help her sort things out.
I'd bet that a third party will be required to get to the bottom of her issues.
Picking your "Battles" in marriage may refer to things like the new car may be blue instead of red, or the new kitchen appliances are stainless steel instead of white. Fundamental principles are in stone. Double standards are undesirable, and should not be tolerated .
Passivity is generally not considered an attractive or desired trait.
If this is truly a huge deal to you, tear the bandaid off. Focus on long term gain instead of short term pain.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> She is controlling, though, when she tells you no porn, BUT THEN USES IT HERSELF.


This right here. 

This is the main problem of their relationship. I know because that is what I just left. 

His wife MUST have control at all times. This is extremely unhealthy. Even if she does things he likes, I’m positive that it is only during the times she wants to - so things are always on her schedule. As long as she is in control of everything, then all is well. The moment things don’t go her way, they fight. 

Brother, you can’t live like this.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

I guess imma let this go. 
I know controlling, I know the patterns,
This relationship, I promise isn't that. If anything at all, the complete opposite. 
I don't tell her what to do, she doesn't tell me what to do, we make our requests known, then trust the other to make the best decisions for us both. It's only been 10 years like this. 
This 50/50 most of the time and occasionally 90/10 both ways is how **** should work. 
She would argue she gets her way more than not and I argue I get my way more than not. 
This isn't control. 
this is about a hang up of one issues, not a pattern of issues. You guys seriously got off on a tangent of control yet know nothing of the day to day around here. 
Thanks to all for the thoughts, I got some thinking to do.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It doesn’t sound like one issue though - your wife not wanting you to watch porn but she does it, to the point you have heated arguments about it, to the point where you’re recording her secretly, means you both have some trust issues. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be recording her. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t demand you not look at porn. And you said even “racy” scenes in movies she has problems with.

So, that’s why you’re getting the advice you’re getting. ☺


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@HappyCornfused Spying on your wife with covert cameras is almost certainly illegal. And yes, it is *Very* creepy.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @HappyCornfused Spying on your wife with covert cameras is almost certainly illegal. And yes, it is *Very* creepy.


Inside a house he owns? 

It’s a fair question, MattMatt - but my first thought is that the owner of a house that he lives in can set up hidden cameras inside of his house at any time he wants without any legal ramification.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Inside a house he owns?
> 
> It’s a fair question, MattMatt - but my first thought is that the owner of a house that he lives in can set up hidden cameras inside of his house at any time he wants without any legal ramification.


I looked into this while living in IHS. It was being done to me. It depends on the specific state laws on wiretapping and two party consent. That said, what the OP is doing just to catch his wife alone (no suspicions of cheating) is wrong and disgusting and disrespectful in every way imaginable.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Inside a house he owns?
> 
> It’s a fair question, MattMatt - but my first thought is that the owner of a house that he lives in can set up hidden cameras inside of his house at any time he wants without any legal ramification.


He is recording her without her consent or knowledge, while she is naked, masturbating and sharing sex with him. There have been a few men more recently in the United States, being prosecuted and listed as sex offenders, for doing exactly that in homes they own.

It is criminal behaviour and is really creepy as well.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> No, what’s sad is that you think porn use and his wife’s feelings is more important that her lying and OP’s feelings.


She isn’t coming for advice, he is.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> No, what’s sad is that you think porn use and his wife’s feelings is more important that her lying and OP’s feelings.


I am not the one who thinks porn is more important. Most of the posters here do.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

Porn doesn’t affect you people. Right. Look at you go on. What do you want to achieve? I thought this site was about helping people with their marriage relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Inside a house he owns?
> 
> It’s a fair question, MattMatt - but my first thought is that the owner of a house that he lives in can set up hidden cameras inside of his house at any time he wants without any legal ramification.


I feel this is probably covered by invasion of privacy laws plus revenge porn legislation. "Really, sir? You were making videos of your wife masturbating? Care to explain why to the court?"


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I feel this is probably covered by invasion of privacy laws plus revenge porn legislation. "Really, sir? You were making videos of your wife masturbating? Care to explain why to the court?"


Those videos are very probably already online. This woman needs a lawyer, like now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I feel this is probably covered by invasion of privacy laws plus revenge porn legislation. "Really, sir? You were making videos of your wife masturbating? Care to explain why to the court?"


A person, to include his spouse, has a reasonable expectation of privacy in her own home, setting up hidden cameras around your marital home may run afoul of invasion of privacy laws. Any recordings that include audio will also be treated like recording a phone call. A person can only legally record audio/talk if they are a party to the conversation. Further, in many states, all people in the conversation must agree to the recording for it to be legal. There are people in prison, including spouses, for recording others when they were not party to the conversation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Inside a house he owns?
> 
> It’s a fair question, MattMatt - but my first thought is that the owner of a house that he lives in can set up hidden cameras inside of his house at any time he wants without any legal ramification.


His wife still has the legal expectation of privacy in her home. This is especially true when she's in a room by herself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Legally, in the US, the wife is still considered a person. Just like any person, it is just as illegal to take (and distribute) private video of her as it is a stranger. US marriage laws do not confer ownership to the husband and he has no legal right to use, share or video his wife without her consent.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I feel this is probably covered by invasion of privacy laws plus revenge porn legislation. "Really, sir? You were making videos of your wife masturbating? Care to explain why to the court?"


Interesting. That's a very good point. I didn't see it that way. 

In that case, what could a person do in the situation of catching a spouse cheating with hidden cameras - especially in an at fault divorce state? Couldn't the wayward spouse use the same argument then if the betrayed spouse used hidden cameras in their house to catch the wayward spouse? An invasion of privacy? A fear of using the footage in revenge porn? 

I say that as a serious question because I haven't seen anything here, reddit or SI where someone brought up the same arguments you made in the case of infidelity. Your argument has really made me think and now I'm curious if the same situation would occur in cases of infidelity.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Interesting. That's a very good point. I didn't see it that way.
> 
> In that case, what could a person do in the situation of catching a spouse cheating with hidden cameras - especially in an at fault divorce state? Couldn't the wayward spouse use the same argument then if the betrayed spouse used hidden cameras in their house to catch the wayward spouse? An invasion of privacy? A fear of using the footage in revenge porn?
> 
> I say that as a serious question because I haven't seen anything here, reddit or SI where someone brought up the same arguments you made in the case of infidelity. Your argument has really made me think and now I'm curious if the same situation would occur in cases of infidelity.


The video wouldn’t be admissible at trial.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> A person, to include his spouse, has a reasonable expectation of privacy in her own home, setting up hidden cameras around your marital home may run afoul of invasion of privacy laws. Any recordings that include audio will also be treated like recording a phone call. A person can only legally record audio/talk if they are a party to the conversation. Further, in many states, all people in the conversation must agree to the recording for it to be legal. There are people in prison, including spouses, for recording others when they were not party to the conversation.


Even audio recordings? Then why is it suggested here so often to use a VAR to catch a cheating spouse?! Wouldn't we be giving advice then that would be setting up a BS to be arrested?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Even audio recordings? Then why is it suggested here so often to use a VAR to catch a cheating spouse?! Wouldn't we be giving advice then that would be setting up a BS to be arrested?


Well, it’s against the law in a lot of states. Nobody here recommends a VAR to use as evidence in a trial. They recommend it so the BS can get confirmation of the cheating and make an informed decision.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

So here in NY, the person taking the recoding has to be a party of the conversation. You don’t need consent from the other person. So I can carry a VAR on me, but I wouldn’t (legally) be able to put a VAR in dog face’s car. Same with video. OP (at least in NY) could take video if he was present (still creepy) but couldn’t set up cams while he is out of the house just to watch her fart (as he claims).


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Well, it’s against the law in a lot of states. Nobody here recommends a VAR to use as evidence in a trial. They recommend it so the BS can get confirmation of the cheating and make an informed decision.


Here's where I am confused - you have a wife who is unloading on her husband constantly for watching porn and trying to control his use of it all the while she is using it herself. So he sets up something to catch her. Not to use it in a trial - just to point out the crazy hypocrisy of it all. If I was in his situation, I would be so pissed off that a partner would so deliberately try to control my actions all the while performing the exact same action! 

So the OP does something to catch her so he can make an "informed" decision - but this time it isn't an informed decision. It is creepy. But in the case of infidelity, it is an informed decision. 

I'm not saying this to piss off anyone. I'm genuinely intrigued and confused by it all. We have a situation of betrayal here. Is it on the level of infidelity? In my opinion, it is not. It doesn't change that there is still betrayal and lying going on here. So I honestly assumed people would consider using recording devices here as legit just as they do when someone is trying to catch a wayward spouse.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

Personal said:


> Fixed it for you
> 
> That done, I'm happy to share that in my (to date) 23 year marriage, both my wife and I think it's perfectly acceptable in ours.
> 
> ...


As marriage rates decline in most countries.

Since 1972, marriage rates in the US have fallen by almost 50%, and are currently at the lowest point in recorded history.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Northern.Guy said:


> As marriage rates decline in most countries.
> 
> Since 1972, marriage rates in the US have fallen by almost 50%, and are currently at the lowest point in recorded history.


My response was addressing the erroneous claim that divorce rates had increased before the internet. Marriage rates were not mentioned at all.

That said looking at CDC data, comparing 2018 (6.5 per 1,000) to 1972 (10.9 per 1,000), I concur that marriage rates have certainly fallen by almost 50% (50.57%).

What's also interesting is comparing some other years as follows. Like 2018 (6.5 per 1,000) to 1932 (7.9 per 1,000), which sees a 19.4% fall. Not forgetting the bumper year of 1946 (16.4 per 1,000) being compared with 1972 (10.9 per 1,000), seeing a 40.3% fall.



https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/marriage_rate_2018/marriage_rate_2018.pdf



Also on marriage rates declining, I am okay with it.

If people want to get married (of which I attended a marriage last weekend) they ought to. On the other hand if they don't want to get married, they ought not to.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> You have hidden cams in your house to spy on your wife masturbating? Yes, that’s creepy. Wow


Yes...thats very creepy...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


HappyCornfused said:



Oh that's happened before. It's how I know. I see it on the router as internet traffic. Plain as day. I have some hidden cams set up to documenting this so I know how often, when, how long, what's watched, etc. I feel kinda creepy doing it but I did because of the last blow up about it. I'm just protecting myself that's all if it comes up again another day. It probably will at some point and if I do release it, it'll be a whole nother fight to deal with as well. Plus it's just sorta creepy and the trust we have would for sure be destroyed. I'm personally at peace with it cause, we'll, you know, you gotta let a lot of **** go in a marriage. If we were to agree no porn for either, we'll then I'm shooting myself in the balls aren't I? It's seems the best scenario is her get over it.

Click to expand...

*What's the POINT of going to *these* great lengths to spy on her just so you can prove you're right - if you're too afraid to USE it?

That doesn't make any sense at all.

Jeez, you two put the "fun" in dys*fun*ction.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

HappyCornfused said:


> That pretty much sums it up.
> Here's a kicker, she isn't like that in any other aspect. Just porn. I do still look/use porn. I just have to hide it to keep peace and if I'm asked, I'm honest about it. It's kinda ridiculous.


Let's look at why what you are doing is wrong from her perspective and what you should be doing.



HappyCornfused said:


> ......It bothers her lot when I do though. We've had big fights about it. She says it make her feel inadequate and *brings up bad feelings of a past when it was used against her for manipulations and other types of emotional abuse. I get that. I really do.*
> 
> ......I don't know why she feels the need to lie to me about it when I've told her over and over that I don't care she does it.


No you don't understand. Porn* triggers* something from her past, where she was manipulated and emotionally abused. This is a past trauma she has.

Hiding your use will not improve things. You and your wife should address this head on, if she is capable of that. Find a Sex Therapist or a really great marriage counselor who has lots of experience with sexual trauma and emotional abuse is what you should do.

You are not going to talk her into allowing you to use porn, if it is a trigger issue. You can't force her to change something like that. You can help her try to heal her demons from the past. She may even not feel comfortable with you as she explores and figures out what really happened to her.

Good luck.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Thanks for the many replies. 
Videos aren't on the internet. Local storage only 
Hidden cams aren't illegal in my state. Period. 
Doesn't matter, I've chosen another option and moving forward.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

HappyCornfused said:


> The idea is sound except that we don't get to have sex but once a week or sometimes more so if neither one of are getting a release then we are grouchy a lot and that's not good for anyone.
> if we suffer, we suffer together is a good sentiment and mentality but if your horny and can't get off, well, that makes life pretty crappy don't ya think?


Porn can affect a marriage pretty badly. She might feel she is having sex with all those women in your mind that you have looked at. She has said she feels inadequate. Porn is a cop out from building your own marriage. Sex is important but should be just between her and you.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Northern.Guy said:


> One of the reasons I am anti-porn is because it changes the way men see women. It makes them nothing more than objects for pleasure. I struggled with it for a while and my wife could recognize that I didn’t treat her the same. I think the hidden cams show this. Porn inhibits true intimacy. It took me more than a decade to see it but the last few years have been the best ever. If only I could have a talk with my younger self.


I agree. Porn does inhibit intimacy. Some people don't come together with their wives as they are addicted to porn. Sex is not love but should be done in love only with your spouse. Obviously the wife has a problem watching a certain type of porn. There will be a reason for this. Probably not lust but just another thing to be sorted out as to the reason for it.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

342693 said:


> Porn use is unacceptable in marriage. Odd how the divorce rate was much, much lower before the internet.


It is a fact that porn figures in over 50% of divorces.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Here's where I am confused - you have a wife who is unloading on her husband constantly for watching porn and trying to control his use of it all the while she is using it herself. So he sets up something to catch her. Not to use it in a trial - just to point out the crazy hypocrisy of it all. If I was in his situation, I would be so pissed off that a partner would so deliberately try to control my actions all the while performing the exact same action!
> 
> So the OP does something to catch her so he can make an "informed" decision - but this time it isn't an informed decision. It is creepy. But in the case of infidelity, it is an informed decision.
> 
> I'm not saying this to piss off anyone. I'm genuinely intrigued and confused by it all. We have a situation of betrayal here. Is it on the level of infidelity? In my opinion, it is not. It doesn't change that there is still betrayal and lying going on here. So I honestly assumed people would consider using recording devices here as legit just as they do when someone is trying to catch a wayward spouse.


It may not be legal infidelity but can be infidelity in practice in the sense of mental adultery.


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## HappyCornfused (4 mo ago)

Good point Tony


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