# Continuous stalling on D by STBXH



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

He said a D was what HE wanted. Its been a year since he went AWOL and moved in with TW (aka OW) and left me to "twist in the wind". At DS's wedding last fall he presented me with his version of a settlement agreement, (oh the sensitivity in that move.) There have been revisions, tweaks made. Enough "foot-dragging" by us both due to limited financial means. He was successful enough to drag things out til my (pathetic) disability was awarded and started. Now I have retained a lawyer to help with a collabrative divorce. He is still stalling, by a least 2 more months, the process. He has yet to even respond to the lawyer re: the emailed agreement that was sent to him. He replied to me but not the lawyer, but I forwarded the reply I got to the lawyer. Now the lawyer is asking me if I want to go ahead and file or wait the 2 months and see if STBXH is being honest about the $$ then. 

Seriously, I've not asked for him to do anything more than he said he'd do from the start of this fiasco. But he has made it seem that I want to turn it into a fight, said it'll be a shame that I'll have to use whatever $$ I get to fight him. After 24 years and all the sheyat I've been put through for the last year alone one would think he'd have a different attitude. But then again, what'd ya expect from someone that doesn't see what he's doing as cheating of ANY stretch of the imagination!:scratchhead:

Mullling over things this weekend before sending my response to the lawyer. Thoughts/suggestions?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Divorces cost money


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

:slap:


Anyone care to follow that flash of brillance?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cherokee96red said:


> :slap:
> 
> 
> Anyone care to follow that flash of brillance?


Won't make that mistake again.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got a front row seat to a friend in your situation. From what I understand in my state spouses can drag their feet for as long as they are willing to pay lawyers to do so for them.

Divorces can take years and cost lots of money if you have an unreasonable spouse dragging their feet.

Sorry you are in this situation. If I had any brilliant advice I'd give it to you. My friend is stuck too. It's been a year and now he's saying he doesn't want a divorce. Translation: I'm not giving you a divorce and am planning on making your life a living hell.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I met a woman the other day who told me it took her 2.5 years to get her husband to sign the divorce papers.

Want to know WHY he finally signed them? HIS attorney wanted $4K to continue and the husband finally decided this was costing too much to punish his wife so he signed.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Advice on this topic is hard because it is so personal. You must do what your principals guide you to do. If you feel compelled to fight for something, then do it. Of course as Conrad stated, contested divorces cost A LOT of money. Each hearing, each phone call, each document costs $$$. You must decide if what you are fighting for is worth the cost and if it is, then go for it. If it's not worth the pain and financial suffering, then don't do it. Of course, you can always change your mind at any time. I know, clear as mud. Best of luck here.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Understand the cost/$$ factor involved here.
Getting the feeling that I'm just being "waited" out on this. STBXH knows all too well my conditions, physical and fiscal. In his warped and skewed vision, he equates a disability award to winning the lottery. In essence, I'm agreeing to what HE initially set forth. Lawyer advisd that proving the need for alimony would be no problem, partly based on the 24 year marriage among other considerations. 

Knowing what I know about STBXH's thought processes, I cannot put it past him to make himself look fiscally unable to even do what he promised.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I hope that Elegirl sees this thread; I seem to remember her having advice about having a spouse who did not want a divorce served papers. You might try PMing her.

It probably depends on the laws of your state, but I found this link with lawyers' answers about how to proceed with a divorce when one spouse fought it.

Can you get a divorce without your spouse's consent? – 21 Legal Answers as of March 30, 2011 - LawQA.com


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I don't think it's the divorce Cherokee's husband is trying to avoid. I think he is trying to avoid spousal support payments. I think he is seeing Cherokee's disability award as a way to reduce or eliminate paying SS. Not sure what state she is in but in all 50 states you can get a D without the other spouse's consent. Of course if the issues aren't settled and the no fault D is granted, it is MUCH harder to get SS after that. It sounds like Cherokee's husband is trying to wait her out and file the D and avoid SS. I know here in VA if SS is not in the decree, it is forever barred.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I guess what is messin' with my mind is this:

1. H clearly and plainly said HE wanted the D.
2. He proposed the settlement agreement, his terms.
3. At first, a D was not what I wanted, rather I wanted to work together to address and rectify our issues. Of course that was prior to H 'fessing up about TW's existence. 


But I've been denied any and all chances to make this marriage work. I'm tired of him calling all the shots and want him to know that he has picked the wrong She-bear to poke. I'm trying to grasp the reins of and rein back in the direction life is taking. Right now, it feels eerily similar to a sailboat with no rudder and a gaping hole in the deck.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Your feelings are very valid and understandable. From what you have said, your STBXH:

1. Cheated on you with OW
2. Hid OW from you while you were busting your butt trying to work on issues.
3. Revealed OW to you and said he was done, as did you.
4. Said he wanted D and now is dragging his feet because it means that he is going to have to pay out. He was so vain as to propose an agreement which I am sure included no SS.

He, IMHO, is a classic POS cheater. Having said that, make sure you are not doing anything out of revenge. Your fight will take a heavy emotional and financial toll on you. This will be felt when things don't go your way in the court room. Court is always the last place you ever want to end up because there are too many variables. The best revenge you can get is living a happy and successful life without him and leave him wondering what he lost. His relationship with OW will most likely go down in flames shortly. After all, who wants to be with a known cheater when the dopamine high wears off? The successful life is a much better revenge then any SS payment will ever be.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"The successful life is a much better revenge then any SS payment will ever be."

Well, MiVA, yes and no. I am not familiar with Red's finances, but it's pretty hard to enjoy the revenge of a successful life when you can't keep the lights on or put gas in your car.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I think Cherokee is in FL...I believe FL has a default of lifetime alimony after 17 years of marriage...probably why he doesn't want a final hearing....disabled spouse and a state that defaults to lifetime alimony...in his original offer did he offer alimony for a set amount of time? Is he possibly afraid of a permanent award from the judge despite your agreement?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hooray, Setmefree! In that case, Red, I wonder if you cannot get an attorney to take the case with the agreement of being paid from the settlement at the end??? I've heard of such things...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> "The successful life is a much better revenge then any SS payment will ever be."
> 
> Well, MiVA, yes and no. I am not familiar with Red's finances, but it's pretty hard to enjoy the revenge of a successful life when you can't keep the lights on or put gas in your car.


Since this mess started the following happened:

1. Had to move from rental house on water with Gulf access. He gave LL 30 day notice we were moving out but neglected to tell me that.

2. Forced to sell nearly all in the house as after I found out (15 days into the 30 day notice) I would be homeless and still had to feed me and DD, and our 2 dogs.

3. DD & I were given a place to stay with DS's MIL (who has become a very good friend). Unfortunately after a time we had to find other arrangements. DD went to NJ with STBXH and TW, lured by empty promises of a car, etc.(I understand at that point I had really nothing to offer her but love and support.) Friend had to move her ailing mom back in from assisted living facility.

4. I've been at my brother's guest house since, had to find another home for my lab since I couldn't keep her with me.

5. H took our only vehicle. With help, I was able to get a car, 1986 Nissan Maxima.

All this while trying to come back from brain tumor/surgery. I'd rather be working instead of getting the mere pittance they call disability. What I finally ws awarded, after 3 years is not even close to allowing me to live on my own. Can't even come close to rent, let alone basic utilities. Lawyer says tat a D will nudge up the monthly amount, but still...

I'm just at a complete and uttter loss as to how a human being can do this to the one he, even now, says he loves, cares about and calls his best friend!!!!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Wow, like I said, what a POS. Just wow.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

H's original agreement was for $400/mnth for 36 mnths, continue paying cell phn/internet, pay for D, and pay tax atty and get tax issue resolved (very long story on that issue.)

I will consult with atty on further options given here. Thank you for taking the time and effort in responding to this post, that's the kind of input I was seeking, not glib statements.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think my friends husband is ultimately motivated by money. She is the one who filed and maybe he thinks if he holds out long enough she will waive her rights to everything.

Right.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I think my friends husband is ultimately motivated by money. She is the one who filed and maybe he thinks if he holds out long enough she will waive her rights to everything.
> 
> Right.


And that's exactly what I think/feel is the case here. Ya don't learn a few things after being with someone for 25 years. H has the belief that if ya ignore something long enough it'll just quietly go away. NEWS FLASH! Ain't happenin' this time!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Checked my email only to be greeted by one from the car people. Apparently I am not the only one getting the "ostriche" treatment here. 

H took the truck with him when he left last year.As far as the state of FL goes, my name has been removed from registration/tag, done in order that it could be renewed. My name is still on the loan and from what I've been told will stay that way as vehicle was purchased during marriage. I can't even attempt to do anything financially. To be even more honest, I have a real problem with paying on something that I will never possess. If things progress to the repo stage I'll be faced with that going on my credit. I do have info as to an address and his new employer but am afraid that divulging said info then STBXH will commandeer DD's vehicle, it was put in H's name for insurance purposes.

So here I am, between the proverbial "rock and a hard place!"

Help!!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know money is tight, and I don't even know if this is possible, but is there a way to change the lock on a car ignition?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm in FL, truck with H in NJ, for the past year. Can't stop a repo that way as it'll just be towed.

I can live with a repo on my credit, that went to hell from all the med bills, over $100k. More worried about what he'd do to DD, taking her car 'cause the title is in his name.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, I meant on DD's car.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> No, I meant on DD's car.


Don't seeing her do that. She's up there with him. No way I can intervene and protect her, if need be.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

guess the crickets moved over from the social spot! 


I really would like more input on this. I need to give the lawyer a decision by the end of the week.

Should his continued refusal to address the question I asked about what's to stop him from putting agreement/me off after the end of the 2 months be intrepretated as he will stall for more time after the first 2 months?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I have no idea...it's hard enough to figure out what another person will do when you know them!

I think you have to do what is right for you. And if he takes vengeance on your DD, then she has to deal with that -- that's her relationship with her father, and not something you can shield her from forever. Alas.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I have no idea...it's hard enough to figure out what another person will do when you know them!
> 
> I think you have to do what is right for you. And if he takes vengeance on your DD, then she has to deal with that -- that's her relationship with her father, and not something you can shield her from forever. Alas.


That is exactly what I fear and that I'll be blamed for it in the end, by her. I don't know what possibly vicious things she may be hearing. I have faith that she knows what is true and what is not.


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