# In a real mess



## RealMess (May 27, 2013)

Hi everyone. To be honest I am probably writing this for me to recognise the truth rather than you to recognise it but in the back of my head I am sort of hoping you will all say "you're a crazy jealous woman and need to sort yourself out" so I don't need to face the pain of divorce. So here goes ...

Married 4 years, husband worked away for 3.5 years. First 6 months of marriage was amazing but as soon as he started working away everything changed. I see him one or two nights a week.

He had an affair for 1 year (it ended 14 months ago). I have tried very hard to move forward and I really do believe he stopped physically cheating after the affair but his behaviour is still driving me mad.

When I try to chat online or by text he says he is not a chatty person but when I am with him he spends all his time chatting online to people he works with and sees almost every day. He says they are more fun than me because they are younger and not religious. We do not speak during the week, if we have to call for something it's a 5 minute business like chat. 

He recently said he will go on holiday with his work friends later this year. I said a husband and wife should holiday together, so he said he will not go. A week later he said he will go on a different holiday with different friends, I said nothing. Last week he said he will go to a third place with his friends from work. When I had a fight about it and asked where he intends going with me he went nuts, swearing and saying I am sick in the head and he is not a dog on a lead.

A couple of weeks ago he said an old work friend (a young woman) was coming to the area and he might offer his room for her to sleep in as he works nights ... I asked what will happen at 7am when he finishes work and she is asleep in his bed. He didn't answer and sent her a message saying he can't offer his room because his wife is a very jealous woman.

He is the king of bait and switch. Whatever he does wrong it is my fault and he turns it into something I did. For example his affair, whenever I found evidence he would scream and shout because I was spying. When he acts like a single guy and I complain he says I just love to make problems and what he is doing is normal, I'm just sick in the head and need to see a doctor.

Basically I am married and he is single. I am religious and he no longer cares for religion since meeting his new work friends. I have asked for a divorce many times, I have begged, I've tried speaking calmly and saying if we divorce he can be free and single without a crazy jealous wife giving him headaches and I can find a marriage that suits me but because of our religious beliefs he simply refuses to consider divorce and I can't divorce without his agreement.

Comments, suggestions, tactic ideas very welcome as I am at the end of my last nerve.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You CAN divorce without his consent, or agreement. (At least in my state.)

Go See a Divorce lawyer asap. You've got to find the real facts for your state. Mine, if the spouse does not consent, you need to show that you have not been living together for 2 years. Then they cannot stop a divorce at all.

Your biggest hurdle it seems, will be in leaving him, and moving out.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

He is an ass and does not love you!

Check mate, what are you going to do?

His behavior is making you a shell of a woman, don't let him destroy you!


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## bigpurplehippo (May 25, 2013)

Divorce him while you are still young. Out of the 4 years you two have been with each other, the marriage seems to have been difficult for 3.5. I really do not think this can go on. I do not think you will be happy in the future.

Looking 5-10 years down the road, I don't think you will remain with him. In this case, it is better to leave this person sooner than later.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Where do you live &/or what faith are you that you need his permission to divorce?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't spend enough time together to be a couple. If you need permission to divorce, well, you have it. Good luck.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Is there a specific reason you can't file for divorce yourself?


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Yes,

Please be advised that your description above fits the profile of and abusive man very well. 

If this is the case you are in a very serious and deep problem without simple clear cut solutions.

Please read the following material as it's a pivotal work on abuse and contains powerful information you need along with recommendations on how to proceed based on your specific circumstances and the style of abuse.

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.

Please come back with feedback once you have read and absorbed the material.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

RealMess has left the building.......

chirp, chirp, chirp .. chirp.. (sound of crickets)


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## RealMess (May 27, 2013)

No she hasn't lol. Sorry I went away for a couple of days to get my head together.

Thank you all for your replies. I have ordered the book but the quotes from it I have read describe my husband exactly.

@All of a Sudden ... you are totally right, I am becoming a shell of a woman and that remark hit home, thank you.

I live in the UK and I am a Muslim, hence the requirement to have his permission for divorce. I have asked, begged and demanded a divorce but he will not think of it. I have an appointment next week with the sharia council to see if they would issue me faskh (a divorce issued by a judge). I don't blame my religion for this, I blame my husband, he is instructed to divorce me if I ask but he doesn't want to lose his narcissistic supply.

Ye Gads how do we get ourselves into these situations and why oh why is it so very hard to get out of them. I have spent all day thinking "well he has been trying harder recently and maybe I am rather jealous and over emotional and that's how he always gets me back but nothing changes.

Would you be insulted if your spouse wanted to go on holiday without you? 

Well let's hope I can get an answer for the council and get out of this mess (if I can stay strong enough this time, it would be so lovely to start getting my confidence back).


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm guessing your religion also doesn't really advocate affairs or husbands who invite young women to sleep in their beds.

I can't tell you what to do about your religion but don't give up your life locked in a loveless marriage to a faithless jerk.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

RealMess said:


> I have spent all day thinking "well he has been trying harder recently and maybe I am rather jealous and over emotional and that's how he always gets me back but nothing changes.


A narcissist will do just enough to convince you that they are "changing" when losing you is imminent. This is one of the most mind-numbing, soul-destroying things they do. 

Once you have made the decision then you have to carry through with it because they'll just put you on the roller-coaster and grind you to a pulp if you don't.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

RealMess said:


> He had an affair for 1 year (it ended 14 months ago).
> 
> ...but because of our religious beliefs he simply refuses to consider divorce and *I can't divorce without his agreement.*


What religion are you?

He has committed adultery. As far as I know, there isn't a single religion in the world that will not allow a wife to divorce her husband after he has committed adultery. It's the one exception every religion seems to grant.

If someone is telling you that you can't divorce without his permission--after HE has committed adultery--you need to seek advise from someone else who knows more.


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## RealMess (May 27, 2013)

The punishment for adultery of a married person in my religion is stoning to death, so no it is not advocated lol.

@Wiserforit, yes this is exactly what he does, over and over again and it makes me so angry with myself that I fall for it all the time. I asked for a divorce again on Saturday and haven't contacted him since, I just hope I can stay strong this time and see it through.

@Bluefirefly ... it is very easy to get a divorce in Islam if a spouse commits adultery and you can prove it (which I can) but the problem comes from the civil marriage, we don't live in the country we got married in .. it's a bit of a mess but I have applied to the sharia council for help with this now, they will appoint a guardian for me and hopefully he can sort it all out. Even if they can't I will be happy to stay single the rest of my life as long as I am not considered married to him in the sight of God.


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## RealMess (May 27, 2013)

Just to explain ... I met my husband in north africa, I was living and working there and we married there. We had a religious and civil marriage. To get divorced we must have a religious and civil divorce. The religious divorce will take time but I will get one considering his adultery, alcohol drinking, etc but for the civil divorce we must BOTH go to his embassy or country as he must sign the documents and without him they will make me apply for divorce in his country (takes an average of 6-10 years for a woman to get a divorce there). So I have to find a way to get him to agree, then we can be divorced in one day at his embassy.

I am hoping if I can get a religious divorce he will then have no reason not to agree to a civil divorce. Total mess really and the moral of the story, only marry in your own country!!


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## RealMess (May 27, 2013)

I did it, I've been to a mosque and applied for divorce. I don't know if it will work but I hope so. Have started no contact so wish me luck


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Unless you plan to move back to Africa, you should be able to get a civil divorce in a UK court. I did a quick Google search to make sure this wasn't very different from US law, and according to the site www.gov.uk/divorce/overview you can request a divorce in the UK courts as long as you are considered legally married by the government (which I assume you are since you had a civil ceremony in addition to your religious one). A divorce granted by another country's embassy is not legally recognized by the UK government.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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