# Dating during separation?



## BigdadG

Twenty one yrs married , 3 kids , honest , financially successful ,wife gave the " I love you but ..." about 18 months ago , informed me of an EA / PA . Wants to be alone w child( other 2 in college ) to " figure things out " ( I suspect it's to continues to explore the affair ). Sadly , was emotionally unavailable during much of our marriage ( worked long hours ). Wife says I was good father / provider/ good man but not meeting her emotional needs. Tried counseling ,she's not interested in saving the marriage.. I think she's in an affair fog . We are planning a separation ,I'm checking out the legalities of it , but my religious background prohibits divorce. I do love her , but see her realistically. Upon moving out , I'd like to date other women , realizingthat divorce is 95 percent likely...any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated...


----------



## arbitrator

BigdadG said:


> Twenty one yrs married , 3 kids , honest , financially successful ,wife gave the " I love you but ..." about 18 months ago , informed me of an EA / PA . Wants to be alone w child( other 2 in college ) to " figure things out " ( I suspect it's to continues to explore the affair ). Sadly , was emotionally unavailable during much of our marriage ( worked long hours ). Wife says I was good father / provider/ good man but not meeting her emotional needs. Tried counseling ,she's not interested in saving the marriage.. I think she's in an affair fog . We are planning a separation ,I'm checking out the legalities of it , but my religious background prohibits divorce. I do love her , but see her realistically. Upon moving out , I'd like to date other women , realizingthat divorce is 95 percent likely...any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated...


JMHO, Bigdad, but greatly depending upon your state, your locale, whether or not your divorce will be under the guise of "no-fault" or "fault" divorce laws, I wouldn't risk it. Too much to come back to bite you in the backside!


----------



## BigdadG

Thanks, arbit..


----------



## Married in VA

What religion are you? All of the "major" religions permit divorce in the case of adultery. You did say EA/PA right? That would be biblical grounds (Christian) for divorce.


----------



## BigdadG

Married, I'm Catholic, my wife changed her religion to spend more time with her ea/PA.


----------



## keko

+1 arbitrator

If you have nothing holding you back legally, then dont waste another minute finding a new love.


----------



## arbitrator

Married in VA said:


> What religion are you? All of the "major" religions permit divorce in the case of adultery. You did say EA/PA right? That would be biblical grounds (Christian) for divorce.


In addition to adultery, other Biblical grounds for divorce also include abandonment, at least from a Methodist perspective.


----------



## marksaysay

Even if you are getting a divorce, does your religion support adultery? Dating while you are still married is adultery. From a legal standpoint as well as a moral/religious standpoint, i say wait until you are divorced. 

One of the biggeat benefits to doing this is it gives you time to access your part in tge marital breakdown so that any new relationship will not be hampered by mistakes of the past. It also helps you learn how to be happy alone. 

Many people make rhis mistake only to find the past repeating itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigdadG

I'd think more about meeting women and would not pursue sexual encounters until the divorce was completely over and I believe in no sex before monogamy , so I hear what you're saying !


----------



## Andy968

Your story is exactly like mine. I worked too hard, good provider, emotionally absent, and drove our marriage into the ground. I felt I was doing everything right. Unfortuneately, I didn't really understand what happened until it was too late. Spent the last 18 months trying to fix the broken marriage with the same results your having. Heartbreaking and sad. As far as I can tell there isn't an OM involved, which makes this even more difficult. She just lost that loving feeling. When it's gone it's gone. 

Regarding your question. I would suggest waiting until the divorce is final. If she has cheated, you could file the divorce to speed things up if she won't reconcile. I think it would keep your conscious clear, and allow you to work on the emotional aspects you need to fix before you start dating someone else. 
That's what I've been trying to do. Fix me, reflect, and keep myself true to my Christian beliefs.


----------



## Toffer

Wait

How long before the divorce can be done in your state?

I wouldn't even date (let alone sex) during this time. that way you'll always know that you took the high road her


----------



## lamaga

Once you are sure that divorce is inevitable, I see no problem with dating, as long as the woman you date knows the situation. You are a grown-up.


----------



## Cherry

BigdadG said:


> realizingthat divorce is 95 percent likely...any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated...


If there's a 5% chance divorce may not happen, I would wait.


----------



## BigdadG

All responses are much appreciated !!!


----------



## This is me

Could this be a midlife crisis? Women in their 40's seem to go through this as much as men. It is a fog that will lift over time in most cases, but you need to be patient.

Read Divorce Busters.


----------



## rks1

I would suggest waiting until the divorce is final. I say this as someone who once dated a separated man (something I did only once, but would never do again in life). It was totally selfish on his part as he was in no emotional place to date. He simply needed the emotional and ego boost, and was a total taker, as he was emotionally unavailable. He was emotionally broken, and when I fell in love with him and got hurt at the end... he pretty much told me that I shouldn't have expected anything from him as he was in too much emotional turmoil to give to another person. (I was like, if that was the case, why the heck were you even dating in the first place!) Thank goodness I'm happily married now to a phenomenal emotionally available man, and hopefully never will have to go back to the dating scene... but I have it firmly in my mind that I will NEVER EVER date a separated person again if I were ever to date again in life. 

I would also mention that the guy was a bit dishonest with me as before we started knowing each other he told me that he was legally separated (and I thought that meant that he and his wife had signed some papers confirming their intent to divorce). But I came to know later that nothing was signed, which made me feel like I had wronged his wife as well - even though that was not my intention, as he was the one who hadn't been forthcoming about the 'legal' aspect of his separation. As such I now have a lot more sympathy for the spouses of separated people as well. Don't put another person through that. Wait until your divorce is final and until you've cleared out some of your emotional baggage from the marriage. If you do get back with your spouse, there is a good change that you dating during separation would only increase marital tensions. On the other hand, there is also a good chance that your emotional unavailability will only hurt the person you date as well, especially if she genuinely comes to like you (as I did for that past guy). Just do the right thing and wait, until you are in a better place to be a giver in a new relationship.


----------



## iamfree

BigdadG said:


> Twenty one yrs married , 3 kids , honest , financially successful ,wife gave the " I love you but ..." about 18 months ago , informed me of an EA / PA . Wants to be alone w child( other 2 in college ) to " figure things out " ( I suspect it's to continues to explore the affair ). Sadly , was emotionally unavailable during much of our marriage ( worked long hours ). Wife says I was good father / provider/ good man but not meeting her emotional needs. Tried counseling ,she's not interested in saving the marriage.. I think she's in an affair fog . We are planning a separation ,I'm checking out the legalities of it , but my religious background prohibits divorce. I do love her , but see her realistically. Upon moving out , I'd like to date other women , realizingthat divorce is 95 percent likely...any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated...


I am suffering through a separation as well, my wife had/ or still having an Emotional affair. She says it's over. It I don't feel it is. Here is what I am struggling with. We di still have sex but she always says she does not feel anything which makes me not preform well. For all you women out there, is that a normal response?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

keko said:


> +1 arbitrator
> 
> If you have nothing holding you back legally, then dont waste another minute finding a new love.


But then again, just ask my STBXW! After all, she has a nice happy couples shot with the OM clearly posted up on FB and is still fastly representing her marital status as "divorced!" Oh, well!


----------

