# I need some advice



## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

Hello,

I have been lurking here for a few weeks and I must say I am impressed with how helpful and supportive this community is. I need your advice.

I will get right into the stats… Empty nesters married for 15 years. I am 55, my lovely bride is 50. We both have successful and good paying careers (More on this in a minute). This is my second marriage, the first one ended after two very public and humiliating affairs by my EW. Both affairs were with a guy who worked for me at the same company. The EW also worked at the same company. My current wife has never been married. 

We are both in very good physical condition and we share all of the same interests such as travel, hiking, healthy eating and cycling. When we are not working, it’s us against the world; we are together all of the time. The only thing missing in our relationship is regular intimacy, over the past five or six years sex has happened less often, currently probably only four or five times a year. We still have hand holding, hugs and a kiss before and after work. We both have acknowledged to each other that we need to do more to improve our intimacy.

Not too bad so far, right?… but then comes the guy I will call Jack A$$. Six months ago, Jack was hired at my wife’s company, my wife is a director and Jack reports to her. Jack is in his mid-thirties and is a single Dad of two kids. Jack in engaged to be married in a few months to a single mother with a few kids. Brady Bunch. While updating my wife’s iPad (It’s linked to her work phone), I noticed that while conducting normal business, Jack has a habit of sending the occasional inappropriate text page or meme via a group text page to his peers and my wife. He will occasionally send something to my wife only that is inappropriate. Here are a few examples: 

Recently Jack responded to a mostly business related text page chain with a meme stating “Leave those dildos made in China alone! Y’all going to mess around and catch the cootervirus!” My wife and another female who works for my wife were the only people who received this text. It was clear they both were not amused.

Text page discussion with Wife only:
Wife: Don’t forget you are training Jennifer in the morning
Jack: If she rapes me it’s your fault. The department can to sh#@, its your idea
Wife: Haha
Jack: You=Eye Candy. Pretty much everyone else is (barf emoji)
Wife: No response

Text page discussion with Wife only:
Jack: Is the applicant that guy in room B?
Wife: Haha, yes
Jack: Ok, good. You’re still my side chick and he can’t have you.
Wife: Haha
Jack: I wasn’t joking (wink emjoi)
Wife: No response

Text page discussion with Wife only:
Wife: She screwed up the paperwork. You need to speak with your girlfriend again. 
Jack: Not my girlfriend, too much vagina for me.
Wife: Once you lift the rolls out of the way, it might not be too bad.
Wife: What should we call her, your sugar momma?
Jack: I tried to make you my sugar momma but you keep turning me down. Figured I go for the cow, she can’t say no.

Text page discussion with Wife only:
Jack: Someday I’m going to start a band and sing songs about this company
Wife: Haha, Becky and I will come to see that show
Jack: Oh hell yes, groupies!
Jack: You all going to flash me right?
Jack: That was a serious question
Jack: Private show for Becky and (Wife’s name) at my house. No clothes allowed
Jack: Either you all are coming or not. I know I will
Wife: Haha. Were you able to fix the schedule for inbound?

I have been monitoring her text daily, the text I have shared here are the worst of her responses. In reviewing over three months of text pages, everything else from her has been all business. A very high percentage of the text communication to and from Jack were during my wife’s normal working hours. 

Her phone call history does not have any red flags at all. Calls to from Jack are very short and are all during my wife’s normal working hours. No chance my wife has another phone. I’m 100% sure on this.

I have full access to her iPad and phone and she makes no effort to prevent me from using them. Other than FB and Instagram she has no other social media or chats. She is friends with Jack on FB but she has not interacted with him at all. Jack’s FB page is 100% his kids, fiancée and his hobbies. Just in case… I did capture the fiancé’s name and FB page. By the way, the fiancée is a stunningly beautiful young woman.

I’m at a loss on how to proceed. I don’t know what to make of all of this. I never show it but ever since the EW’s affairs, I know I am paranoid of cheaters and this is eating me up inside. I have experience as a company human resources leader and I know how fatal this could be for my wife’s career, from a professional standpoint her not stopping Jack’s behavior is going to cost her job someday. As soon as one of the other women complains to HR or files an EEOC charge, my wife is toast. But I am most concerned that this could be an EA or could become an EA. 

I love my wife with all of my heart and I don’t know what to do, or how to move forward.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"The only thing missing in our relationship is regular intimacy" That is not a relationship. That's the friends zone, my friend.

After reading the texts, it's sounds pretty obvious Jack wants some of your wife.
She's holding him off for now...but you need to change your actions soon enough, or boundaries will fade. Talking to her is frivolous. 
There is a lot of great info for men within this site. https://therationalmale.com/
Me and you are the same age, I'm having more sex and a better time than I've had in 25 years now that I'm Red Pill Aware.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your wife is in a lot of trouble if this information is released to hr...both of them could lose their job...clearly she does not understand boundaries and he is a pig.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to talk with your wife. FIRST make sure you have backups of those texts/emails, someplace where she can't delete them.
You need to tell her ALL of that type of communication with him ceases IMMEDIATELY.
If not, you can take this to HR and SHE will be fired since he is a subordinate.

Her flirtyness and putting up with those sexual texts are going to be on HER. Also, find out if he can be moved to a different position so that she doesn't interact with him -- you are right to be worried.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you tell her you read her messages, this will not end well.

She will feel insulted and it will likely push her away, even more.

It sounds like your wife is just 'one of the guys', when it comes to communicating.

Jack must be one hell of a performer for her to put up with his potty mouth and juvenile thought processes.

I feel sorry for his fiancee. What a devious bozo she picked.

I would stay out of this. Let your wife get canned if that ever happens. She is a big girl, not a kid.

Will she face charges? 
I doubt it, since no one will likely complain.

Let her navigate her way out of this situation on her own.

That said, keep a close eye on her. Just because she is low-desire (LD) with you, do not assume that she will be the same with other men.

Personally, at this point, I don't think she is going to jump in the sack with anyone. 

But, you never know. 

The only way you will know is to continue this great monitoring that you have maintained. 

Some here will tell you to put a VAR in her car, a voice activated recorder, bought at Best Buy. Sony make them. 

This won't hurt.

Since you have been cheated on by your last partner, that tick may have not left your life. The new wife may have the same itch. We have a tendency to pick a certain type of person. I will not go into the esoteric reasons.

It would not hurt to keep a location check on her, with a vehicle GPS device. This, just to keep yourself sane.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think you need to have a discussion about boundaries, thank your wife for not allowing the jerk to escalate things, and ask why she hasn't reported him to the HR department. That's sexual harassment, plain & simple.

You obviously have other issues to contend with, regarding lack of intimacy, but the immediate need is to thank your wife for trying to shut the guy down (give her credit for that whether it's due or not) and get him reported. From there comes the discussion of whether she agrees that what this guy is doing is seriously wrong. If she thinks it's harmless, then you know what you're going to be talking about.

Separately, is there anything which, if you put yourself in HER shoes, you might see as a reason for the lack of intimacy? Does she have needs or insecurities that might be an issue?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But me!, Confront her tell her it stops yesterday or file a complaint for harassment let her fire the dude. And from this point forward she now knows your boundaries and never to allow to repeat again.

But when she said Haha that's a invite. It's like kids sending a note back and forth " do you love me check the box" well she's checked alot of boxes so far. 

Put a end to it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I worked in industry (and the Army Reserves) for many decades, this type of talk is always there.

Your wife should have kept her communication with subordinates friendly, but also professional.

She has not. It is hers to deal with. 

I would slip an anonymous note under the wiper blade of the fiancee car, saying her man is being a cheater at work.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Perhaps his fiancé would like to see those text conversations? Hmmm?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Reading these messages the subordinate is way out of line. I mean way out of line. Without divulging what you know and where you got it is a tough one.

1. Time to find out why your W and you do not have intimacy. Work on it
2. If at all possible, show up at your W work for a surprise lunch. Do you best to introduce yourself to the 
dirtbag of an employee. 

Or simply skip #2 and send said messages anonymously to their HR department. Scratch out or delete your W name in each exchange. HR may take it seriously or throw it. Either way, HR is alerted to the divorced 30 yo with two kids and his less than professional messaging.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> I think you need to have a discussion about boundaries, thank your wife for not allowing the jerk to escalate things, and ask why she hasn't reported him to the HR department. That's sexual harassment, plain & simple.
> 
> You obviously have other issues to contend with, regarding lack of intimacy, but the immediate need is to thank your wife for trying to shut the guy down (give her credit for that whether it's due or not) and get him reported. From there comes the discussion of whether she agrees that what this guy is doing is seriously wrong. If she thinks it's harmless, then you know what you're going to be talking about.
> 
> Separately, is there anything which, if you put yourself in HER shoes, you might see as a reason for the lack of intimacy? Does she have needs or insecurities that might be an issue?


Jack should be fired.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Jack should be fired.



The problem is that SHE is the manager -- if she fires him after NOT stopping this stuff for all this time, he may try to sue for wrongful termination. HE could sue for sexual discrimination (and what HE is doing CLEARLY falls into that realm) because SHE is doing nothing to stop it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> The problem is that SHE is the manager -- if she fires him after NOT stopping this stuff for all this time, he may try to sue for wrongful termination. HE could sue for sexual discrimination (and what HE is doing CLEARLY falls into that realm) because SHE is doing nothing to stop it.


Both should be fired.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Yeti driver,

Why don’t you just pay Jack a visit. Tell him to cease. Jack needs a solid ass whoopin’. If this type of communication occurred in my company, ol Jack’s ass would be out on the street. Why does your wife not report him to HR? Is she enjoying his crude banter? Something does not add up. 
Keep your eyes open.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Yetidriver, you sound like a lot of men who end up licking their wounds while their wives "innocently" toy around with other guys. You want her to stop but you're scared shytless of pissing the queen off who is not giving you a lot of poon tang anyway. At this point, it doesn't sound like your Mrs has banged the guy (yet). However, it doesn't seem to brother he disrespects to the degree you point out. I hope she never has to discipline this cat. He may tell her since she hasn't let him do it, to go F herself. What the hell is she going to do with that history of text messages hanging over her. (not to mention her comments about lifting the rolls off the fat chicks beaver. She's basically blew it as a manager. Sides, this cat is exposing to company to all kinds of liability and will eventually get nailed for sexual harassment. 
What do you need to do? Tell her flat out that to say you're disappointed in her and her entertaining his shyt is an outrageous understatement and for her to continue this activity is a deal breaker. 
Hey I know its tough for most guys to stand up to their old lady. Look at it like I do. I like my wife's perfectly trimmed bush as much as the most guys like their wife's. But not enough to play dead and let her piss all over me just so she'll let me sample the fruit. If she'll let him talk to her like this, what's she going to do when her grabs a handful of her tush? If I was giving old Jack advice, I'd tell him to try a little fannie play when the opportunity presents itself. If it goes south, he can always say he was just clowning around. I mean she's been ok with it when they talk. Back in my earlier years I've spent some company time in the file room going through the drawers, so I know how these things work. I'm sure some other guys on this site know exactly what I'm talking about.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

He sounds like a pig.

She sounds too embarrassed by him. Not really her fault...looks like a common reaction after sexual harassment.

A way for him to be terminated without negative implications on your wife needs to be found, and that appears apparent by his original messages. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Yetidriver ~ He's just an emboldened, calculating rectum who wants "to have his cake and eat it too!"

Your wife has apparently fostered the behavior of this guy to the point that if HR investigates, they'll nab her along with him. 

Remedy? She either needs to quit or transfer! And even then you have choices to make, namely staying with her through the assistance of marriage counseling, or you starting the process of filing for divorce!*


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

Wow! That is a lot of great feedback and information. Thank you all.

Just to clarify, over the past 6 to 12 months, my wife and I both had acknowledged that we needed to work on our intimacy and we have made progress. The current trend is headed in the right direction.

I know Jack must be stopped for many reasons. Figuring out the best approach has me very conflicted. I don’t want to ruin trust with my wife. I want a hard stop on any possibility of a future EA or worse. And at the same time, if possible, I want to help my wife clean up this mess professionally. She has worked very hard to reach her current success and I don’t want to see her blow it.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

FIRST: NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCE OF INFORMATION. WHY? BECAUSE SHE'LL CUT YOU OFF (GO UNDERGROUND) AS WELL AS CHANGE THE TOPIC TO YOU INVADING HER PRIVACY.

NEVER REVEAL HOW MUCH YOU KNOW (THE TEXT CONTENT). SHE WILL ONLY ADMIT TO WHAT SHE THINKS YOU KNOW. 

I think their messages crossed a line of business chat. Especially where he follows up with "I'm serious" ....which takes his comment to a whole different level. And she just laughs instead of shutting him down (which invites more attention from him).

I also suggest you create a time line that may or may not show the OM's texts escalating with the sexy language over time (and no negative feedback from your wife).

First, I'm surprised your manager/wife didn't shut this down the first time (when it was easy). As I manager I doubt she's intimidated by him. Therefore, I assume she enjoys his attention. At his point she probably feels she's in control and does not intend an affair. However, the sexualized messages are a slippery slope that unnecessarily place your marriage at risk for adultery (most affairs happen to good people that were not looking for an affair but opened the door through inappropriate intimacy.

1 - You can raise the issue of the OM (and there is an OM in her head) by saying something like she's pulling away or that something is wrong or bothering her....and perhaps ask (calmly) is there someone or something at work she would like to discuss.

2 - As part of the discussion, you can introduce a book that you can both read (recommended by a friend of yours) and discuss. It's a study of couples that experienced infidelity and the boundaries that were crossed that made the marriage vulnerable. After reading the book your wife will not have grounds for accusing you of being jealous or controlling. IMO, all couples should read this book:

Please read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

3- Finally, you can always use an anonymous email source: stating your wife and the OM appear to be too close at work and exchange sexy message. Anyone on the text exchange could tip you off without you admitting you read the texts.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Good luck, YD!

I hope you two can work through (these issues).

For those who are not natural leaders (and few are), supervision is tough. 

Especially, in a strong union environment. 
Especially, if you are a natural people pleaser.

By the time many get this supervisor act down, pat, most step on their, uh, own toes. Your wife sure has.

I have seen it play out, so many times.

...............................................................

Your wife needs to learn boundaries. 
Even if she were not a supervisor, this talk is not proper..... married, being female, or male, or not.


KB-


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You are right to not want to undermine your wife's career. 

Jack won't stop on his own initiative.

IMO, you wife (as his boss) needs to craft a written response to Jack informing him that his attempts at 'humor' are making her uncomfortable and must stop.

And then (as his boss) follow up face to face to let him know that she has no interest in him nor does she find texts funny.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I don't know what your own work situation is...

But, if you or a friend could concoct a story about a female supervisor getting fired for sexual harassment and for improper use of the companies email system that might scare her straight. 

It would be much better if a friend could tell the fable. That way she would not connect the dots directly back to you...and to herself.

Many here want you to confront her with her email exchanges. I get that. Doing what I am suggesting sounds weak. And it is.


If you do confront her with her email exchanges, as mentioned earlier, you would forever shame her for her potty behavior. Your marriage would then slowly collapse.


I am assuming that the goal here is to get her head on straight, not to shame and punish her. Rubbing her nose in her words is the easier thing to do. Believe me.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

“ I don’t want to ruin trust with my wife. I want a hard stop on any possibility of a future EA or worse.”

This line is worrisome. One of the reasons she’s not intimate with you is because she has no respect for you. STOP worrying about her feelings. She crossed the line. Period. 

Tell her “I’m about to go to HR and tell them you cross the line with another employee. Unless you sit down and tell me everything”

My ExW did the same crap, and when pressed on why she didn’t stop, her answer? “I don’t know” 

Get used to that answer.


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

One plan I have started thinking about: Purchase a cheap prepaid "burner" phone and anonymously text page details of Jack's behavior to the HR Director at my wife's company. I have the HR Director's personal cell number.

If it comes down to it, I would gladly blow up my wife's career to keep this predator out of my marriage. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it will come down to this.

Again, thank you for the help!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yetidriver said:


> One plan I have started thinking about: Purchase a cheap prepaid "burner" phone and anonymously text page details of Jack's behavior to the HR Director at my wife's company. I have the HR Director's personal cell number.
> 
> If it comes down to it, I would gladly blow up my wife's career to keep this predator out of my marriage. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it will come down to this.
> 
> Again, thank you for the help!


Dude, you have been cheated on before and you are going to anonymously his contact wife. You really need to wake up about a lot of things. 

You need to have your wife go to HR about Jack yesterday. Or you should do it, or she should quit. 

Further... THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE IS THAT YOU HAVE SEX 4 to 5 TIMES A YEAR???? 

Really, that's it. I mean do you actually have a sex drive or what. You barely have a marriage. Sounds like roommates with a very occasional benefit. 

You think this is ok for a marriage? Really?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Yetidriver said:


> One plan I have started thinking about: Purchase a cheap prepaid "burner" phone and anonymously text page details of Jack's behavior to the HR Director at my wife's company. I have the HR Director's personal cell number.
> If it comes down to it, I would gladly blow up my wife's career to keep this predator out of my marriage. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it will come down to this.
> Again, thank you for the help!


This is a ridiculous idea. Your wife would know you sent them. Who else could it be?! His fiancee? No. Just no.
If you can't talk to your wife, you have seriously deep problems in your marriage. Just tell her what you told us. You were updating her iPad and a message caught your eye, so you started reading and are concerned that:
#1, she is his supervisor and is allowing and enabling his sexual harassment. If he’s sexually harassing her (his supervisor!), then he most certainly is harassing others.
#2, why on earth is she allowing him to speak to her like this and why hasn’t she shut him down?
#3, why would she participate in such a disgusting discussion of a coworker and denigrate her regarding her weight?

Your wife needs some boundaries. Also, your lack of confidence in discussing this with your wife probably has a lot to do with your spare sex life. If she doesn't respect you, she's not going to be very interested in love making.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yetidriver said:


> Wow! That is a lot of great feedback and information. Thank you all.
> 
> Just to clarify, over the past 6 to 12 months, my wife and I both had acknowledged that we needed to work on our intimacy and we have made progress. The current trend is headed in the right direction.
> 
> I know Jack must be stopped for many reasons. Figuring out the best approach has me very conflicted. I don’t want to ruin trust with my wife. I want a hard stop on any possibility of a future EA or worse. And at the same time, if possible, I want to help my wife clean up this mess professionally. She has worked very hard to reach her current success and I don’t want to see her blow it.


Keep on working on that intimacy and especially DATING your wife. Never stop dating your wife. Spend 20 hours or more per week doing things together that do not entail kids, bill paying or the like. In doing so the hard stop of any possibility of a-hole at work becoming a worse problem will diminish. 

I truly think a stop at her work will do some good. Let the idiot subordinate know you are around. Once completed monitor the text messaging. See if it changes. If not, time to formulate a plan B...which might just be a note on his windshield stating his text messages are being monitored. That will get him sweating.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yetidriver said:


> One plan I have started thinking about: Purchase a cheap prepaid "burner" phone and anonymously text page details of Jack's behavior to the HR Director at my wife's company. I have the HR Director's personal cell number.
> 
> If it comes down to it, I would gladly blow up my wife's career to keep this predator out of my marriage. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it will come down to this.
> 
> Again, thank you for the help!


Waste of time. Anonymous letter to HR or note on the subordinates windshield that his texts are being monitored. It is not a lie! They are being monitored by the H of his boss. 

Is it true you have been cheated on before? If so, screw it, blow this wide open with your W.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Yeti,

why not create an anonymous email address, screen shot the text and email if they have an email address that you can send too. 

question.... are the participates all using company equipment in their correspondence? if they are using company equipment to carry on their dialogue then the company could have a copy of this information.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A push-over husband is having this problem.

The problem?

He gets that once in a _blue moon_ sex with his 2d wife. 

He, therefore suffers, each time, its afterglow...blueballs!

His 2d wife allows her charges to talk smack to her. 
She even reciprocates, participates in it , now and again.

The guilty subordinate employee is very open, aggressive unlike her husband. This dude titillates her, unlike yeti.

His 1st wife cheated on him, the wench, likely because of his passivity. A repeat performance done (in similar ways) from #2 wife, to a lesser degree.

Yeti, do you see a pattern?

You are too passive to many a lady.

No, no, not your fault. This is who you are.

The fault is your picker. You pick the wrong type of women.

You must learn to be more aggressive, without being a boorish cad.
A whiner gets only the ear, a wine and diner, gets the tenderloin.

Must, if you will, fake it. 

You must, with this latest wife.
Not to shame her, ah, to bed her more often.

As in, when she sees that look in your eye, straight to bed she heads, and dares not hide.

Yes, it may be too late, she knows your colors, and knows that your ardor is almost bloodless, sigh, it so pale.

Many a women likes an aggressor, not an aggreaver.


The Typist-


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I personally think it’s your wife’s responsibility to tell this guy hey, don’t talk to me like that, let’s keep things professional.
I joke around all the time at work and the thought of someone going behind my back to get me in trouble me for something I said without telling me they didn’t appreciate talk like that would piss me off. And honestly it’s not right. People need to stand up and say hey stop right there. Instead of pretending it’s fine then getting people in trouble. Let’s be mature people.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

My 2 cents:

Step 1 - Ask her directly if her employees at work, specifically the guys, are appropriate with her. If she says yes, there is a bigger issue to deal with because she likes the inappropriate attention and doesn't want it stop.

Step 2 - Tell her you know about the inappropriate texts from this guy and demand that she go to HR with it. If she refuses, go to Step 6. If she follows through, tell her that is how she needs to handle anything similiar moving forward.

Step 3 - Become aware of the fact that her true nature was to keep this from you and only stepping in stopped it from going to EA or PA (if it hasn't already).

Step 4 - Remember that she has cut off intimacy to a level that defines "Sexless marriage".

Step 5 - Tell her you are happy to remain friends and that you are moving on to find someone that wants to have a relationship with you unless the intimacy problem is solved rapidly. If it works, great - maintain it, if not go to Step 6.

Step 6 - End the relationship and have her pack her bags.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

re16 said:


> My 2 cents:
> 
> Step 1 - Ask her directly if her employees at work, specifically the guys, are appropriate with her. If she says yes, there is a bigger issue to deal with because she likes the inappropriate attention and doesn't want it stop.
> 
> .


This doesn't stand up. Asking her directly about something indirectly is still not speaking directly about the issue. Just come out with it. He was doing something to help her and found a bunch of weird **** on her IPad. Now he wants her to do something to put the man in his place. This would be:
#1 verbal warning.
#2 fire him.

She has to warn him now, because she has participated in this and she is now part of the problem. She needs to talk to someone, presumably her boss, about what's going on and how to handle it appropriately going forward. Not only is this personally offensive, but it could get her fired if she doesn't handle it appropriately. She has enabled it and could end up fired over it, even if she tries to do something about it now.

This is serious. Trying to handle it indirectly is not an appropriate way to deal with this. It needs to be addressed directly and firmly. It's not only a personal issue. It is now a legal issue.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It appears as if your wife is beginning to respond to some of the inappropriate text messages. EA is starting.

Shut it down now if you want to save your marriage.


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## Tempocontour (Nov 5, 2018)

Your wife might not know how to deal with this, hence to her not replying to his text. She must know that you're able to see her text, right? Tell her your concerns. Your wife should have brought up the inappropriate text he sent to her to HR and he should have been fired.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Yetidriver said:


> *.....my lovely bride is 50.
> 
> We are both in very good physical condition and we share all of the same interests such as travel, hiking, healthy eating and cycling. When we are not working, it’s us against the world; we are together all of the time. The only thing missing in our relationship is regular intimacy, over the past five or six years sex has happened less often, currently probably only four or five times a year. We still have hand holding, hugs and a kiss before and after work. We both have acknowledged to each other that we need to do more to improve our intimacy.
> 
> ...


*

*

So I chopped up the original post and tried to put myself in y'all's place. As an older woman, there was a time when I was in a position where I had to deal with a serious sexual harassment as best I could. Today this is a hot topic. There are seminars annually in the workplace. I'll bet the dude has a history of crude aggression prior to the current situation. Could she recommend sexual harassment training for her department because she was aware of 'someone's' impropriety? If he continues, she would have a foundation to proceed with more serious stuff.

IMO: Either your wife let him get too far because she really wanted to avoid conflict or she was not confident in how to handle this--I'm ignoring what others have already said. Today, the good old boy network performance still shows its ignorance at times. I know of few females who enjoy that kind of coarse attention!! 

Your wife will eventually lose her job if she does not handle this. She will also eventually discover what you know. You are the one with everything to lose and you must make a decision that is quite difficult. 

IMO: I would sit down and have a truthful discussion. Tell her that you do not want your past situation to affect your bond with her. Commit to working on your marriage so that trust and intimacy are enhanced. Ask her to enlighten you about the work situation and what she needs to do. If for some ridiculous reason she is attracted to him enough to give up everything, she is not the person you thought she was. 

Do not let past mistakes ruin this relationship. If she loses her job, there is nothing that you can do but support her.


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

There are some big differences in advice being provided by women vs men. It's pretty obvious who are the ladies and who are the men.

Ladies only,--- Putting yourself in my wife's situation- 

Should I confront her? 

Confront: From your perspective, what would be the best approach? 

Do not confront: From your perspective, what should be my next steps?

My priorities are: Protect my marraige so we can continue to improve it. A hard stop on any possibility of a future EA. if possible, I want to help my wife clean up this mess professionally.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, you do need to open your communication with your wife, express your concerns regarding the inappropriate texts between the two of them. 
If some one from work got hold if these texts your wife’s career would be over. As she, in her roll as his manager has Not made any effort to shut it down, nor supported the fellow co worker who is at the brunt of his derogatory remarks. 
Also not to mention that it is having an effect on your relationship. 
If she takes offence to your talk, then dig deeper she may already be in a EA.
The truth will set you free, I hope 🤞 
Buffer


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I think it's a combination of OP's wife enjoying the attention as well as not being strong enough professionally. She uses the HAHA reply for some flirts, and then no reply for the ones that really cross the line. 

OP, you need to find a way to "find out" the contents of the texts without her thinking you were snooping and betraying her trust. 

Then you can help her with that situation before she gets too deep, emotionally and professionally.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yetidriver said:


> There are some big differences in advice being provided by women vs men. It's pretty obvious who are the ladies and who are the men.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I would confront her. She will probably get mad that you looked but who cares. 
If I were her and you went behind my back and did anything to this guy or my work I would be so mad I don’t know if I would ever get over it honestly. 

Confront her and have a conversation about it. Tell her she needs to create better professional boundaries. They shouldn’t even be texting like that anyway. Don’t force her to do anything. Tsk about it and trust her to deal with it how she wants.


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## iSquirrel (Aug 18, 2011)

Let me take a crack at this, being that I’m reading things that simulate what I am going through with my husband of 10 years. I’m 54, I’m very athletic (I run marathons, snowboard and do CrossFit..kind of a mutant) I still jump on the furniture if you want to know the truth; just ask my kids. My husband is 57, an IT Director and a professional couch potato. We have a lot of the same interests, but when it comes to exercise, he’s just not that guy. Other than that we enjoy being together, hanging out, going on little dates (finally “little” dates, this used to never happen). He is my third husband, not for any other reason but that I married very young the first time and my second husband wound up an alcoholic/marijuana addict and ran off with a (ahem) friend of mine and had two other kids with her. There’s a book. Hopefully during this quarantine I can actually finish the book!

Anyway, three marriages. The reason I bring this up is that my current husband is the best husband anyone could ask for. That said, we are no longer intimate, partly because I’m peri menopausal (yeah it’s real) and the other is that he just can’t keep up with me. Let me explain this: he sits all day, works late and never exercises. While I follow a clean diet, he scarfs down nothing but carbs. He says he’s open to exercise and eating better, but it just never sticks. Not judging him for this. He also tries to treat me to things I shouldn’t be eating. For example, he’ll come up with a slice of apple pie for me because “you’ll work it off”. Baa! It drives me nuts. So, all of these things combined, I will say he’s a bit overweight of about 60 pounds. He was never like this. The non-sex probably doesn’t help but that’s not entirely my fault. I’m just not attracted to his body anymore. It’s the ugly truth. He also has three autistic children to my three, who through the years have been enabled to literally suck the life out of our marriage. Those were some really difficult years. Everyone is grown now and they no longer live with us. Thankfully, no more Nexium. And NO it was never the Brady Bunch. PLEASE stop using that phrase. It’s overused, nauseating and widely inaccurate. That’s my back story, but enough about me...

After reading this I can say that your first problem is you. Startled? While I believe you’re probably a great man, you are acting with jealousy. That’s a huge turnoff and a killer of relationships. Whether or not you say it, you exude it. Are you one of those guys? I hope not. Perhaps look into that a little? Again, no judge. Secondly, at 50, your wife can very possibly be feeling similar things that I feel which is low libido and shear boredom. Did you fall into that “routine” life where it’s the same damn thing day in and day out? That’s not good if so. Are you being honest about your body? Those thirty year olds are looking prettyyy good to us older ladies if you allowed yourself to go to pot. Just saying. But assuming you’re the Captain America you claim to be, that’s awesome. My husband is fully aware of my crush on Chris Evans, but instead of seeing it as how I’d prefer him to look, he make fun of me. There’s always some truth in the jokes, if you would just only listen. You have the same interests with your wife; that’s great. Are you taking your wife on dates? It’s really important. My husband is too busy supporting three kids and working to pay attention to this. Take her out. Take her away on a romantic weekend. Set the mood. Music, candles, wine. The stuff you did early on when you first met is still the most important things you can do. Reminisce about those fun times together. Go for a walk, a ride. Fight for her. If she rejects you, don’t walk away mad. Just “be”. It’s okay. My husband just allows this craziness to continue. Don’t let that happen. 

Back to reading your wife’s texts. While she apparently likes the attention, she’s not into Jack. It’s pretty clear. She literally stops answering this ********* texts. He’s a jerk. This guy needs therapy if he has a young beautiful fiancé and he’s sending texts like that to your wife. Disgusting. It also sounds like your wife responds to him out of fear. As if she’ll feel threatened by him if she doesn’t answer his ********* texts. And the mixed message answers aren’t helping. Except of course when he comes right out with his desires. He needs to be fired as this behavior is not professional. I used to work in corporate and these guys turned my stomach. He’s obviously coming on hard to your wife and maybe likes the older woman but has the younger one because she’s the proper fit in his life. What a scammer. I’ve seen this happen a lot throughout my life. He’s bad news and yet not a threat to you except for the fact that his texting is inappropriate. While the thought of leveling this guy to the ground sounds like the appropriate action (and it probably is..no witnesses), it should be up to your wife to tell him to stop..to his face. Of course, another thing you could do is wait for the guy to exit the building and confront him without even telling your wife. Again, no witnesses. Just have a discussion with him and tell him to stop, without threat. Just direct eye contact and a tiny bit of pause. You guys know what I’m talking about. You’re all great at it. He’ll likely **** himself and stop altogether, maybe even quit the job. But we as humans are not all comfortable with confronting predators such as this, so don’t blame your wife. She’s not in any trouble with her job. You can’t be penalized on a job for being sexually harassed and then too afraid to say anything. Come on people. She IS being sexually harassed though.

Please sit your wife down and tell her that you were doing “blah blah” and her phone lit up so you looked at it and saw the texts (or just tell her the truth). Again, do it in a nice atmosphere such as a restaurant or a candlelit dinner (there I go again...it’s important!!) Yes, she may be upset to think you’re spying on her but just explain how you’ve been feeling. These are your feelings and they mean something. You also have needs that aren’t being met. She does as well. And frankly, if you’re worried about your wife cheating on you, that’s a clear projection that you’d do the same. So it’s up to you to fix it on your end. Fight. Talk to your wife and put everything on the table. What are you afraid of? Don’t waste time. She’s not strong enough to end it so it must be you then. Jobs are hard to find these days and you don’t want her leaving her job over this. Yes, she’s a big girl, but the person who stated that is wrong. It doesn’t work that way. She’s uncomfortable and struggling with this and she can’t tell you because of the text content that she doesn’t realize you’ve seen. It does seem to me by her hard stop in the texts that it’s making her uncomfortable and that she’s just not that into the guy; just the attention. Good news for you. The person you need to worry about though is the next guy who comes around. Believe me. Are her eyes wandering? Make certain that they don’t.

Let me tell you how I handle my fizzled out marriage. And every marriage is different of course, with different dynamics. While I admit that I can crush at times on the thirty year olds I workout with or the ones I massage, I would never cheat on my husband. Two reasons. One, I have integrity and two, he’s seriously the nicest guy on Earth and I’m lucky to have him. Coffee bedside in the morning, breakfast in bed every weekend, cup of tea bedside at night. He’s not trained, this is just him. I am talking to a therapist now on some family issues but I also bring up my husband in my sessions; so I’m trying to work things out. He doesn’t ask questions, he doesn’t force sex on me, instead he suffers on his own which kills me, but he understands what I’m going through, even though he doesn’t like it. Be that person, but also initiate. My husband has been turned down by me so often that when I’m finally in the mood (sort of) and try to flirt with him, he thinks it’s just me wanting my coffee. I’m not interested enough to pull him back. I’m praying this horrible phase in my life ends soon and that my desire comes back. And I hope that’s all it is. I fear it isn’t though. I know I need to put the cards on the table. I have done it. It hurts him. I don’t want to hurt him so I just go off and do my things without him and when he available he comes with me. He’s always available at some point. 

In closing, I wish you luck with this. This should be easy. Just a creepy douche bag who needs to be told to stop. Just a wife who needs more attention; to be told she’s beautiful and desired and worthy and trusted. We need romance and not the hum-drum circle of boring routine. Change it up. Every day. Keep her on her toes, wondering what the next day will bring. Buy her something pretty that she can wear; not necessarily jewelry but maybe a dress to wear on a nice date. By the way, 15 years of marriage is huge. Did you guys go on a big trip? Did you do it for your 10 anniversary? If not you’d better book a flight just as soon as it’s safe to do so again. One last thing, can you AFFORD a trip? My husband makes 5 times my salary and can’t afford the trip because of his child support etc. I can’t express enough how damaging the resentment is. Look at that. Don’t let that happen. Treat her like a Queen. It’s the only thing keeping my marriage together right now. Good luck and I hope my story helps your story. Be well!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> You are right to not want to undermine your wife's career.
> 
> Jack won't stop on his own initiative.
> 
> ...


Of course, this is the answer. But, she chooses not to.

Why?

The need has not arrived (in her mind). 
She has no idea she is being monitored.....that her husband is ON to her lack of boundaries.

She needs to do this on her own initiative, not as a result of Yeti exposing her questionable behavior.

A catalyst needs to be tossed in the mix. 

I still say let the fiancee know her man is acting the cad at work. 
Let her spark the needed reaction.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

iSquirrel said:


> Let me take a crack at this, being that I’m reading things that simulate what I am going through with my husband of 10 years. I’m 54, I’m very athletic (I run marathons, snowboard and do CrossFit..kind of a mutant) I still jump on the furniture if you want to know the truth; just ask my kids. My husband is 57, an IT Director and a professional couch potato. We have a lot of the same interests, but when it comes to exercise, he’s just not that guy. Other than that we enjoy being together, hanging out, going on little dates (finally “little” dates, this used to never happen). He is my third husband, not for any other reason but that I married very young the first time and my second husband wound up an alcoholic/marijuana addict and ran off with a (ahem) friend of mine and had two other kids with her. There’s a book. Hopefully during this quarantine I can actually finish the book!
> 
> Anyway, three marriages. The reason I bring this up is that my current husband is the best husband anyone could ask for. That said, we are no longer intimate, partly because I’m peri menopausal (yeah it’s real) and the other is that he just can’t keep up with me. Let me explain this: he sits all day, works late and never exercises. While I follow a clean diet, he scarfs down nothing but carbs. He says he’s open to exercise and eating better, but it just never sticks. Not judging him for this. He also tries to treat me to things I shouldn’t be eating. For example, he’ll come up with a slice of apple pie for me because “you’ll work it off”. Baa! It drives me nuts. So, all of these things combined, I will say he’s a bit overweight of about 60 pounds. He was never like this. The non-sex probably doesn’t help but that’s not entirely my fault. I’m just not attracted to his body anymore. It’s the ugly truth. He also has three autistic children to my three, who through the years have been enabled to literally suck the life out of our marriage. Those were some really difficult years. Everyone is grown now and they no longer live with us. Thankfully, no more Nexium. And NO it was never the Brady Bunch. PLEASE stop using that phrase. It’s overused, nauseating and widely inaccurate. That’s my back story, but enough about me...
> 
> ...


Wow! I am impressed. :surprise:

Good luck in this life, the present one that we all live in.

One, that many, just merely endure.
Yours' is that plug-along, love/pain, compromise.

Yeah, yeah, still beats the alternative! :grin2:


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Cynthia said:


> This doesn't stand up. Asking her directly about something indirectly is still not speaking directly about the issue. Just come out with it. He was doing something to help her and found a bunch of weird **** on her IPad. Now he wants her to do something to put the man in his place. This would be:
> #1 verbal warning.
> #2 fire him.
> 
> ...


Did you get to Step 2?

"Step 2 - Tell her you know about the inappropriate texts"...

I think it is worth spending five seconds to do my step 1 and see if she is deceitful about it....

How does he know that many of their texts haven't been deleted. You are setting up a potential false confrontation by not doing step 1 - confronting about something when you don't the extent of what it is, and then she might just bury the truth.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

re16 said:


> Did you get to Step 2?
> 
> "Step 2 - Tell her you know about the inappropriate texts"...
> 
> ...


He already knows what's been going on. Just cut to the chase.

Yes, I did read what you wrote, but this situation should be addressed directly from step 1 on. I don't think this needs to escalate. I think he can be a calming factor in this and help his wife get it resolved. I also think that a lot of women are used to being spoken to inappropriately, so they don't react strongly; they just let it go on. She needs to know that it is her personal responsibility to shut this man down in no uncertain terms and fire him if he continues. I don't think she has a thing for him.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Yeti,

There is a very big issue and that is that your WW has not shared this breech of the marital vows with you. This is a bad sign and does not bode well in the long term.

She is no longer intimate with you because she is intimate with a younger man who is possibly more attractive than you. It's the contrast effect.

How much do you know about your WWs past?

While her professionalism may be keeping her from ramping this up there is not doubt she is moved emotionally by it. 

She is also open to a lawsuit if the OM starts up with other women since your WW has not dealt with the behavior and is enabling his behavior by doing nothing. Typically guys like that are always hunting.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> This is serious. Trying to handle it indirectly is not an appropriate way to deal with this. It needs to be addressed directly and firmly. It's not only a personal issue. It is now a legal issue.


This has become a lose-lose professionally... she is not up to her neck, she is over her head in liability she cannot recover from if pressed. She cannot report it without a degree of punishment because she is not just an active player, she is an active player in a management position, and for too long.

Simply, in my opinion she has two choices... she can go to her HR and present the problem to them humbly in being dragged deep into this by inaction and openly admitting the need for more training and guidance to shut it down (doing this will no doubt get a letter of direction/reprimand in her file in addition to the training), or needs to move to another job while she has the time before this collapses on her and take a serious boundary training course, pay for it yourselves and take it between jobs or at the start of the new job because anyone in the old company she is currently at will label her hypocritical and her trust will be shot if she takes such a course while making such poor choices.

You will have to openly tell her what you have read to have this discussion... if you truly trust another, trust the process.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> This has become a lose-lose professionally... she is not up to her neck, she is over her head in liability she cannot recover from if pressed. She cannot report it without a degree of punishment because she is not just an active player, she is an active player in a management position, and for too long.
> 
> Simply, in my opinion she has two choices... she can go to her HR and present the problem to them humbly in being dragged deep into this by inaction and openly admitting the need for more training and guidance to shut it down (doing this will no doubt get a letter of direction/reprimand in her file in addition to the training), or needs to move to another job while she has the time before this collapses on her and take a serious boundary training course, pay for it yourselves and take it between jobs or at the start of the new job because anyone in the old company she is currently at will label her hypocritical and her trust will be shot.
> 
> You will have to openly tell her what you have read to have this discussion... if you truly trust another, trust the process.


While EB is correct in his analysis of most of HER situation, THIS IS NOT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM...

OP here is apparently in complete denial about what is going on. I am not saying that she is sleeping with him, but she is not opposed to the idea either. 

THAT IS THE PROBLEM. OP's WIFE is a grown woman and she knows EXACTLY what is going on. EXACTLY. 

She has not put a stop to it. Why do you think that is? Are you saying that a woman in a high level management position is too STUPID to know what is going on? REALLY? 

NO she is not stupid, she is not naïve, she is not scared or any other descriptions you want to use, she likes it, and she is weighing her options.

THAT IS THE PROBLEM...


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Yetidriver said:


> Hello,
> While updating my wife’s iPad (It’s linked to her work phone), I noticed that while conducting normal business, Jack has a habit of sending the occasional inappropriate text page or meme via a group text page to his peers and my wife. He will occasionally send something to my wife only that is inappropriate. Here are a few examples:
> 
> Text page discussion with Wife only:
> ...


She already is in the early stages of an EA with Jack. 
Do Tom, Richard and Harry talk to her like this? Jack keeps pushing her and sometimes she ghosts and sometimes she joins in the repartee, Jack has some balls. She's teasing back, but Jack is playing a long game. To send these emails to his boss, wow.

Enough of these spy techniques of notes under windshields or staring Jack down in the parking lot.
Jack is not the problem, the problem is your wife going along with it. And that may cause her to lose her job because she is the boss, there's a good chance all those texts are on the company server somewhere, and are 100% guaranteed on Jacks phone, hell they are on your wife's ipad...

Tell her You found these messages that she kept on her ipad and are concerned, you were not snooping you were updating.
It is like if you smelled smoke in the house, you would look to see where it is coming from, those messages that you accidentally saw are the smoke.

Simple plan, do it this weekend. While under quarantine, it will be hard but you need to clear the air.

PS DO NOT accept her first response which will be "Oh that's Jack we just kid around" or her second which will be "I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything"

Good Luck...I think you can still put out this fire.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> tell her you found these messages that she kept on her ipad and are concerned, you were not snooping you were updating.


FTW


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I have a different take.

It sounds like Jack does this to everyone he can get comfortable with. He's a single dad? So he's already knocked up a woman. He's also only been with the company 6 months. This lower sex with your wife seemingly has gone on much longer than that, so it's not about Jack. Doesn't sound like she is into him at all, and that she's just being annoyed and polite by brushing it all off.

This guy needs a serious slap to the face. Here's my slap. In this order. 

1) Text this guy during off hours,from your phone. "I have seen your text exchanges with **insert your wife's name**. I have copies handy." (that's it)
2) Tell your wife what you saw - make some excuse - and that you don't believe she is having an affair but that this guy needs a kick in the ass. Tell her you texted him to protect her and your marriage.
3) Tell your wife if this continues, she needs to show you the exchange and you will escalate.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to give your wife some friendly advise and she needs to get on top of this situation or it is going to end badly. This guy is a pig and an idiot, because he will not stop this type of behavior on his own. He is going to say the wrong thing to the wrong woman and she will turn him in for harassment and your wife for tolerating this type of behavior. He needs to formally, be brought into her office and officially counseled on this matter with his emails as evidence and made to sign the counseling statement or be dismissed. When in charge be in charge.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> NO she is not stupid, she is not naïve, she is not scared or any other descriptions you want to use, she likes it, and she is weighing her options.


Amen to that. And I'd bet 2 to one odds that if Jack was a 54 yo, Danny DeVito look alike she'd shut that cat down right out of the gate.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just curious.

Does your wife know any *other* phrases besides "ha ha?" Honestly, she sounds like a bit of a dolt in those texts.

So let me get this straight. Jack is your wife's *direct report* - she is his _*supervisor*_. And yet, she's allowing this fool to continually talk inappropriately to others in the department, and to send sexually-themed memes to co-workers about dildos, etc?

Your wife may not have a varied vocabulary, but she's not stupid. If you think for ONE minute she's going to put ANYTHING in writing that's going to get her *sued *for sexual harassment (she's in management so she's a prime target) or fired from her job, then you're _way _too naive for your own good. Of COURSE she's not stupid enough to put anything in writing.

She's likely talking to "Jack" in *person* and not leaving any evidence of foul play to possibly be used against her in the future.

Bottom line: Just because she isn't engaging in inappropriate behavior via TEXT doesn't means she's not. It just seems rather odd that she's giving this guy WAY too much freedom to act unprofessionally and I didn't see even ONE comment from her in the texts you provided, where she tells him to act professionally. My goodness, such favoritism.

One would have to ask "why?"


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Don’t worry about her getting mad about you reading her messages. There are no secrets in a marriage except about birthday/Christmas presents. Doing this is part of your protection of your most prized Possession; your marriage. And it would be equally acceptable for her to read your messages.

Since your wife is his supervisor, I would confront her about the nature of the texts, and warn her about how she is putting her job, and therefore your financial situation in danger.

I would also screenshot all of the messages in case she gets nervous and deletes them all. The issue is that she might need them in the future if he files a complaint with HR about her.


When she says that they are innocent messages, ask for his home phone number because you will contact his wife and send them off to her to see if she believes they are innocent.

Stand up and confront before they take another step.

Good luck And stay strong


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm just curious.
> 
> Does your wife know any *other* phrases besides "ha ha?" Honestly, she sounds like a bit of a dolt in those texts.
> 
> So let me get this straight. Jack is your wife's *direct report* - she is his _*supervisor*_. And yet, she's allowing this fool to continually talk inappropriately to others in the department, and to send sexually-themed memes to co-workers about dildos, etc?


I'd love to be the attorney for the harassed and use her and her emails/text in court to show management failed in its legal, ethical, and employee relations obligation show sexual harassment will not be tolerated but such harassment is ignored and even aided by management in this company.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Kamstel2 said:


> When she says that they are innocent messages, ask for his home phone number because you will contact his wife and send them off to her to see if she believes they are innocent.


I don't know about youse guys, but when the messages include talk of vaginas, getting necked at his place, dealing with purported rolls of fat to get at the beaver of a sub-ordinate, making her his side piece, it ain't no innocent message to me.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Bottom line: Just because she isn't engaging in inappropriate behavior via TEXT doesn't means she's not. It just seems rather odd that she's giving this guy WAY too much freedom to act unprofessionally and I didn't see even ONE comment from her in the texts you provided, where she tells him to act professionally. My goodness, such favoritism.


Wow, very good point in that today we are all so wrapped up electronic communication that the valid idea that these texts are carry over from some grab ass in the hallway or a fun lunch break...She likes the sexy attention and would be looked at as a co-conspirator when/if it all comes to HR getting involved.

The texts could be the tip of the iceberg or canary in the coalmine...sadly there may be more to this story

It may get rough Yeti, don;t tell her about this place!!
Use us as your coaching staff. I did everything wrong when my XW wandered...

PS every woman i know over the age of 17 knows how to shut down unwanted attention either by letting the dude down easy or popping his balloon.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Yetidriver said:


> While updating my wife’s iPad (It’s linked to her work phone), I noticed that while conducting normal business, Jack has a habit of sending the occasional inappropriate text page or meme via a group text page to his peers and my wife.
> 
> I have experience as a company human resources leader and I know how fatal this could be for my wife’s career, from a professional standpoint her not stopping Jack’s behavior is going to cost her job someday. As soon as one of the other women complains to HR or files an EEOC charge, my wife is toast. But I am most concerned that this could be an EA or could become an EA.


Yetidriver: I think that honesty is the best policy. I think you need to sit her down for a talk about this. I would explain that you came across these messages while updating her iPad. That, with your experience in human resources, you feel that she is opening herself to serious trouble if someone complains to HR about this. 

Go on to explain that you admire the strides she has made in her career, but this is a cancer that will eventually lead to trouble. Murphy's Law states that "anything that can go wrong WILL", and I would add to that "at the worst possible time"!

Emphasize to her that you understand that it's difficult to discipline an underling, but that familiarity breeds contempt. In this case it could lead to them both being terminated.

Also, be honest about your feeling that this is not just a work problem, but that she seems to be showing inappropriate feelings for this guy. There is no easy way around this.

As far as the lack of intimacy in your marriage, I couldn't stay in a marriage without intimacy, but it sounds as if you are working on it.

*People are drawn to someone who shows courage, strength, and decisive action. Become that man, or you will continue to be disrespected. *

Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

skerzoid said:


> Yetidriver: I think that honesty is the best policy. I think you need to sit her down for a talk about this. I would explain that you came across these messages while updating her iPad. That, with your experience in human resources, you feel that she is opening herself to serious trouble if someone complains to HR about this.
> 
> Go on to explain that you admire the strides she has made in her career, but this is a cancer that will eventually lead to trouble. Murphy's Law states that "anything that can go wrong WILL", and I would add to that "at the worst possible time"!
> 
> ...


I capitulate...

I agree with @skerzoid and @Cynthia and any others who say to confront her. 

You came upon the texts inadvertently.

Give her the advice she needs. She needs a wake up call. 

With respect to her work, with respect to her husband.

This paralysis that she feels at work, when it comes to good judgement and boundaries, needs rid of.
The intimacy paralysis that she shows Yeti at home, with little or no closeness, this too needs to be rid of. 

Maybe the stress of the job uses all her heated water, leaving none left to shower on her husband.

I think the wife is either emotionally tapped out, or over-rated with respect to any hot love delivery, btu's per hr.

Her priorities simply do not take into account Yeti's needs. 

You are the guy at home, not the dear husband.

Nice guys finish last.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you want to know how a person feels, watch their actions.

Yeti's wife is not his best friend. She seems not to need any. Such a cool person.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

This doesn't feel like it is going to go anywhere. Feels obnoxious and inappropriate, but doesn't feel like cheating. Made me laugh at one point, a bit of looking through the window at what people think but don't say... but just doesn't feel like it will go anywhere. From what I read, your wife isn't really attracted to him, but rather engaging in what is like their own Howard Stern show.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

And yeah, she could get in a lot of trouble with HR.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

And for sure, don't want to be the fiancé... if the opportunity came up, and who knows what their relationship is about, but if the opportunity came up, would share a bit about what he is really like to her.


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

*Update*

Yesterday my wife and I went for our regular Saturday morning 30 mile bike ride and at our favorite place to stop and relax for a few minutes, I confronted her. Using some of the advice given here, I said:

"I love you and I want our marriage to be strong and thriving. I am 100% committed to you. I have been working to do my part to help improve our relationship and to be the husband of your dreams.

A few weeks ago I became concerned about something and I want to talk about it. 

While running update and backup on your iPad, a text page popped up that no married person could possibly ignore. I have respected your privacy (I lied) and I did not go through all of your text pages, but I did see enough to know that Jack has sent you at least a few texts that have an undercurrent of flirting and others are extremely inappropriate considering you are married and you are his boss. I also saw that you had not reciprocated, thank you.

I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around this, I will not let this become a wall between us, or for this to destroy the career you have worked so hard to build. Will you help me understand what's going on?"

This really caught her off guard, she gathered herself and told me she would never even think of cheating on me and there is nothing going on with Jack and there never would be. She went on to give me a very specific reason why she would never be attracted to Jack. I won't share the reason she gave (too specific to share on an open forum) but its VERY safe to say Jack is not my wife's type, and he never will be. 

She went on to tell me that a few months after Jack was hired his behavior slowly started to change and it became more inappropriate by the day. She told me she knew she needed to stop him because he was out of control now. She also told me she was very uncomfortable and a little afraid to deal with him at this point. Her company is privately held and lacks a strong HR presence and the owners have a habit of allowing inappropriate behavior. 

She told me she also was committed to improving our relationship and intimacy. 

I told her that she either resigns (she can get a job anywhere- she graduated Cum Laude at the Wharton School of Business), or she stops Jack dead in his tracks. She committed to stopping Jack behavior and she would think about looking for another job. She asked me to help her put together a plan on how to address Jack, we are working on that now.

Overall I feel 100% better about the situation, as soon as Jack is stopped or fired, I will feel even better.

I will update this thread if there is any future noteworthy events.

Thanks to all for your guidance.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Update*



Yetidriver said:


> Overall I feel 100% better about the situation, as soon as Jack is stopped or fired, I will feel even better.


This is good to hear. If it were me listening to your wife, I would go forward with confidence. You handled this superbly.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*Re: Update*

The big question you need to ask is why she did not reveal this behavior on OMs part to you, this is an enormous lie by omission.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Please do not close your eyes.
Remain vigilant, now more so than ever.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm just curious.
> 
> Does your wife know any *other* phrases besides "ha ha?" Honestly, she sounds like a bit of a dolt in those texts.
> 
> ...


I agree. She not only doesn't tell Jack his communications aren't professional, but her comments she very actively participates in with him about the heavy woman are so far out of line it's disgusting. She should lose her job with those comments. 

OP has your opinion of your wife generally, as a person, (not just in relation to this other man) changed after seeing these communications?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Update*



TAMAT said:


> The big question you need to ask is why she did not reveal this behavior on OMs part to you, this is an enormous lie by omission.


I know all about outright lies and lies by permission. I don't see that here. I see a lack of base-line communication about what's going on in one's life between the two of them; things that you'd share with a good friend that aren't being shared here. Annoyances (and this goes beyond that) at work are something you'd normally discuss with your spouse. 

I'm very encouraged by the talk OP had with his wife, but I'd be focusing a bit more now on why such things wouldn't be shared with one another. We're supposed to help each other through life. I think?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

*Re: Update*



Yetidriver said:


> Overall I feel 100% better about the situation, as soon as Jack is stopped or fired, I will feel even better.
> 
> I will update this thread if there is any future noteworthy events.
> 
> Thanks to all for your guidance.


Great Job! I hope it all works out for you. 

People are drawn to those who show strength, courage, and decisive action. You have shown these now and it shows that she can lean on your support. This should give her the strength and motivation to do what's right:smile2:


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Great job talking to her!!

Now make sure you see proof that she is doing what she said she would do.

Good luck and stay strong


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Nice job. Curious why she didn't stop him dead in his tracks the moment it started, or shortly thereafter though. Everyone likes being pursued, which is how "accidental affairs" start BTW. Even if he wasn't her type that doesn't matter, as the high received by being pursued is addictive and leads to advancing the affair which is why you read where people say

I don't know how it started.
It wasn't supposed to happen
I didn't mean for this to happen
I didn't mean to hurt you
I don't understand how I possibly allowed this to happen
I was in so deep, before I realized what was going on'
I never stopped loving you

And after the spell was lifted

The guy/girl is disgusting
I still can't believe it
What was I thinking
I'm not even attracted to the guy/girl........etc.

You may have dodged a bullet. Emotions can't be turned off once they get started so best to not allow them to get started.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

As above why didn’t she shut it down as soon as it started? Good boss skills needed. Communication is key but I feel there is a underlying issue. But you are the bunny on the spot. 
Buffer


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Update*



One Eighty said:


> If you spend any amount of time perusing other stories here, you will quickly see how common this is. The WS gives VERY specific reasons, very BELIEVABLE reasons, why they would never be attracted to the person suspected. Then the BS finds out later that they overcame this issue and had an affair anyway.
> 
> I'm not saying your wife is having an affair. I highly doubt that. But she just told you a whopper of a lie to throw you off the scent. It is typical cheater speak. Damage control. Gas lighting.
> 
> ...



Yes, I am going to second that. You can't rely on the "not her type she would be attracted to" idea. That doesn't mean she is cheating. It just means that's a not a criteria you can you as a deciding factor when determining the truth.

Look at other threads on this forum. Especially with women, it seems, cheating women at times go against their "type". Maybe they want to break out of their shell, experience new things, whatever. 
But Religious Women start go with guys with vices, Straight Laced "good girls" go with the "Bad Boys", Ambitious Professional women choose losers, and even Prejudiced/Bigoted women end up with the very cultural/ethnic/racial types that they normally would disdain. 

Again, that doesn't mean your wife is currently cheating. It just means that the "never could be her type of guy" idea is not a reliable concept. Base your assessment on everything else you learn.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

*Re: Update*



Wolfman1968 said:


> Yes, I am going to second that. You can't rely on the "not her type she would be attracted to" idea. That doesn't mean she is cheating. It just means that's a not a criteria you can you as a deciding factor when determining the truth.
> 
> Look at other threads on this forum. Especially with women, it seems, cheating women at times go against their "type". Maybe they want to break out of their shell, experience new things, whatever.
> But Religious Women start go with guys with vices, Straight Laced "good girls" go with the "Bad Boys", Ambitious Professional women choose losers, and even Prejudiced/Bigoted women end up with the very cultural/ethnic/racial types that they normally would disdain.
> ...


Totally agree. My wife, for example, likes tall men. I'm tall. Her friend was 5'5" - always told me he wasn't her type at all. 

For women, it's typically not about the physical appearance but the emotional connection made at the right time.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

You know what they say “they always affair down”. 
Your wife has to admit she liked the attention. And go to IC and answer ‘why’.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sir,

I think there is more to it then what you were fed. Keep vigilant. Trust but verify. Understand that if something is going on...it will now go underground. 

Trust your gut.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Was Jack A$$ fired yesterday?

Tell wife you want proof


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Kamstel2 said:


> Was Jack A$$ fired yesterday?
> 
> Tell wife you want proof


She is in a rather bad position to do that, but she does need to shut it down immediately and form a paper trail so that she can fire him, because he is unlikely to stop this. Or if someone else complains, then she could fire him. It is likely that other people are being impacted by his behavior. She's certainly not the only one he does this to.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: Update*



Wolfman1968 said:


> Yes, I am going to second that. You can't rely on the "not her type she would be attracted to" idea. That doesn't mean she is cheating. It just means that's a not a criteria you can you as a deciding factor when determining the truth.


Women and men who say they, "would never cheat" and "he/she is not my type" can be bifurcated into two groups. Those that do/will cheat and those that don't.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Ok. So what if he WAS her type, then she would consider cheating?

I realize that there are a lot of hammers around here so everything looks like a nail but this sounds like a big pile of distraction.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?

What has she done?


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## Yetidriver (Mar 18, 2020)

Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in on you. How are you doing?
> 
> What has she done?


Things are going pretty good. We are making some progress on the physical part of our relationship.

Jack was issued a final warning and was informed that his behavior had to stop. He was transferred to third shift at a different facility. Since then text pages have been all business.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Trust, but verify is the order of the day.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Trust, but verify is the order of the day.


Trust is earned. Right after she has broken trust isn't a time to trust her. Verify, yes, but trust, not yet. She needs to show that she can be trusted.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, JACK may now be towing the line (and your wife), but you still need to talk with her as to WHY she found this attention so attractive and WHY she put up with it. She needs to work on that and have appropriate boundaries for your marriage (she needs to defend it independently of YOU telling her to) -- if she doesn't, stuff like this may creep up again.....


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