# Headed Out



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

So, next monday, I'm headed out. Aside from the control issues which I described elsewhere, my wife and I seem to be talking more and communicating more - which she says is a good thing, because we're working out issues. I can't see it, because I actually listen to what's being said.

I asked her if she'd be willing to move away with me - fresh start, away from families. With me choosing a place and paying for it myself. She says she's not interested - she couldn't leave my niece and nephews who live up the street. I tell her I hear that they're more important to her than I am. She responds 'well of COURSE they are - they're my KIDS.' Ouch.

We've both admitted we aren't in love, and that we feel the other isn't in love. We've both admitted that we love the other, but they don't feel loved. Ouch.

She's said she can't even imagine trusting me to help raise the kids. I told her I'd like to take the kids frequently, so I'm not just leaving them with her, and she gets as much time to think by herself as I do. She freaked out about how I want to take the kids from her. Ouch.

She's said that I'm making demands and being unreasonable when I ask her to not assume I'm going to screw a task up, or that I want to be involved in decision-making. She's trying, but readily excuses herself when she slips up. Ouch.

She's said that meeting my request for decent, respectful treatment feels like I'm asking her to be weak, and she can't be anything but strong. OUCH.

She's said that if we got kicked out of our current house, she would rather take the kids and live with her parents than live somewhere I picked. Ouch.

But she's also said that she can't imagine not having me there with her, and that she loves and needs me. And I just don't see it.

So I'm headed out - setting myself some goals for fixing my super-damaged self-esteem, I've asked her to come up with expectations of me. I've got a few expectations of her as well, but I want to get moved out before I start really discussing them with her - she really isn't going to like them.

Still not sure I'm making a good choice, but I can't stay with things like this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Bax, I read your other thread. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through right now.

I think your wife has taken complete control of everything motivated by fear. People who were abused as kids do tend to be more controlling, and it's out of fear that they NEED that control. Your daughter's CF is a huge fear trigger, so your wife's control tendency just took over. But SHE has allowed her control to take over and YOU have allowed it to take over. You misunderstood the difference between support and enable. She won't give up control until she has to. Until she sees that her life, the most important relationship in her life-her marriage- is a complete disaster because she takes control and you allow it. But when you try to step in, she pushes you away with insults...insults that you take, internalize and allow them to beat you down.

I think separating is actually a good thing for both of you. I think during this time you are likely to become much more depressed and that's what you need to work very hard on. While you live separately, focus on things you enjoy, meeting people to have fun, doing fun things. When you have the kids, focus on being the good father you know yourself to be. 

It seems likely she's going to have a billion instructions and she's going to be watching like a hawk for you to screw up one little thing in your daughters care. This is something your wife needs to be prepared for and be prepared to cope. 

Your daughters illness is serious and that prompts the kind of daily fear no other parent can fathom. When your child can't breath, a parent will do anything to prevent that from happening. But most parents with sick kids eventually learn to balance their marriage and their child's health. This is what your wife has to do during the separation. 

can you imagine what the first weekend is going to be like, when you take the kids? WTH is she going to do with herself...obsess and worry that something is going to go wrong. But the next weekend, she'll be aware that she has to keep herself busy and let go. The following time she'll be a little better, if all goes well, at getting her own groove back. 

The goal, at the end of the 6 months is that you have learned you are a hell of a lot more capable than she give you credit for. She will have learned that she can be both a woman and a mother of a seriously ill child. You both will have learned that parenting is a hell of a lot easier when it's a tag team affair, and she will know that you are capable.

I think, as sad as this is for you, that you are doing the right thing. Your EA was a product of your lousy marriage. It happened because you have up all control to your wife and you were miserable and couldn't find a way back. This separation is to find a way to stand separately, so when you come back together again, you have stronger boundaries and will not allow her to belittle, insult of control you. You will have well defined expectations on your needs being met, and she will allow you to care for her your unique way, so that she has enough left over to care for you.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you so much. It's so good to see someone else congee to the same conclusions I have. Not exactly trusting my decision making processes these days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thats what living with a supreme control freak does to you. They remove the faith you once had in yourself and replace it with doubts. They do that by criticizing and controlling. Once you get away, your mission is to recognize all the good, responsible, respectful, dedicated things you do every day and grow your pride back.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Man, I'm sorry.

* I tell her I hear that they're more important to her than I am. She responds 'well of COURSE they are - they're my KIDS.' Ouch.
*

Ouch is right.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

That's what I keep thinking-it makes sense to me- but at the same time, I can't change her. It feels like I'm putting the blame and the responsibility on her. And I can't think of anything I can do differently that would not result in her being upset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sometimes, you just have to live with her being upset. She's not likely to learn to let go with a smile on her face at the start. Let her be upset. Let her be mad and angry. Are you doing the right thing or not?


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