# kinda confused but not really



## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

Hello all. 

So I am 1 month in of a 3 month trial separation from my wife. Married 11 years and together for about 14. This had been building for awhile and came to a head about a month ago. We are living apart with minimal contact which is, for the most part, initiated by her. In a nutshell, she is not sure this is where she wants to be in her life. This is fine. Marriage is not good for either party if one does not want to be there. I get that and agree with it. I was wondering myself if our relationship wouldn't be better off with a "break". Just to find out for sure, right? Our dealings with each other are amicable. I don't hate her. She doesn't hate me.

I've felt, overall, in light of the situation, I've been doing pretty good. Picking up old hobbies, seeing friends, just dealing with living in a house by yourself. Had vacation booked prior to this happening so I flew half way across the country and hung out for a few days. Just me. Shopping, seeing sights, thinking. Trying to fill up time, right? Then over the last couple days I've found myself breaking down kind of out of the blue. I am under some stress at work. I definitely could do without that right now but I could do without it at anytime. I realize it goes with the territory of the work I am in. 

I have been popping in to the forum every now and again just to read some of the advice and it has been helpful. I'm not really looking for anything in particular here. I realize that this could be it for us. I do miss her. I thought overall we had a good run. I believe she thinks that as well. I will not call her to come back, go to counseling or anything else that may be steps towards saving the marriage. That will be up to her. Deep down I do believe we are done with no chance of getting back together. I also realize that work on myself will take time. I have starting to research some of the books, etc I've seen recommended on the site. 

Maybe I am just looking for a place I can vent every now and again. A place with people going through the same type of deal. Anyway, reply if you wish. Thanks for taking the time to read this and there are a couple of you in particular that have really made sense to me with your advice to others. Maybe in time I'll send a pm your way. By and large I am a pretty private low-key guy.

Thanks again and everyone stay strong and keep focused on the end goal. There is no doubt it can be achieved.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If you've been reading around this forum you know what we are going to ask. Do you suspect there is someone else your wife may be involved with?

It sounds like you took all the right steps so far but somewhere along the line you have to grieve. It almost sounds like you've been in shock up until this point. Now the reality of the situation is setting in.

That's fine, it's supposed to happen.

Sorry for your circumstances. This is a great place to land if you need support. Keep posting and reading. There are plenty of wonderful people here to help you on your journey if you want it.


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## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

You're right. I was expecting that question. I am quite sure there is not anyone else. I could be wrong but I don't think so. The shock aspect is quite possible. I have broke down quite a few times. But for the most part I've tried to keep moving forward. It's so much easier to cry for a few minutes then try to move on to something productive as opposed to just sitting and crying and not doing anything but that. I am afraid of where that path will lead me if I wander down it too far. Thanks for the reply and the concern.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I am glad you are working on yourself.
My concern is that you both seem to have the same attitude about your marriage: Oh well it was a good run, I am unhappy so let's just end it. You stated you won't pursue anything to help save the marriage unless she makes first move. 
By your post I feel you don't want to be married to with your wife or not even love her enough to WANT to save your marriage. 

Sorry to see you in this situation. I do hope you two can somehow work things out and save the marriage, but if you really don't want to be married to her, file for divorce yourself because she may come around and want you back while you don't want her. That would be a real sad situation and I do not think you want to hurt her.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

It sounds like if she does come back, its gonna be the status quo again? which of course would cycle you right back here in a few months. What are you doing to address the problems in the marriage? They don't fix themselves, she's certainly not gonna fix them for you. Do you plan on just walking away cause you "had a good run".

Do you feel like you've contributed to your part in the failures? You make it sound like your really not interested in lifting a finger to save the marriage. Maybe your frustrated, maybe your in shock still. I cant speak for you or anyone else, but i'd want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage before I just walked away.

Its good that your at least taking care of yourself, cause no one else will. Its part of the process. BUT, if you have issues helping the demise of your marriage, and you don't address them, that means you'll be taking them into the next relationship, until that ends with another good run? Will you be happy with that?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

HD1970 said:


> You're right. I was expecting that question. I am quite sure there is not anyone else. I could be wrong but I don't think so. The shock aspect is quite possible. I have broke down quite a few times. But for the most part I've tried to keep moving forward. It's so much easier to cry for a few minutes then try to move on to something productive as opposed to just sitting and crying and not doing anything but that. I am afraid of where that path will lead me if I wander down it too far. Thanks for the reply and the concern.



I think you aren't dealing with the situation and you need to. There is a process. I'm not saying you need to go to pieces but it is okay to cry and mourn the loss of your marriage. You're doing well keeping busy but try to reflect and figure out what part you played in the problems of your marriage. Try to see where the breakdown in your marriage may have started. You should learn and grow from the challenges that happen in life.

Can I ask why you think your marriage is over? You don't think there is a possibility of working things out? Do you even want to work things out? I do think you need to consider and maybe look more deeply to see if a om is involved. You need to know what you're up against.

It's okay to go no contact with her. Don't let her think you can be her backup plan. If she wants to make it on her own then she needs to know that doesn't include help from you. You need to get yourself into a good place and decide what YOU want.


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## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

My apologies if I sound flippant in my description of the situation. I do not mean to convey that feeling. As far as working on saving the marriage, I suggested that option at the start of the separation. She did not want that. This part of why I believe we are on the road to a divorce. There is 8 years between us in terms of age difference. We married and she was early 20's. She wants to see if our life together is what is supposed to be. Saving a marriage seems to be a pretty tough task when only one side is trying to save it. I can only take care of the things I can control.

I do not, for a second, believe I am blameless in this situation. It's usually a 2-way street in some way. Although I do miss her, love her, wish things were "back to normal" I think my time is better spent right now working on me. In my view I can either keep trying to move forward or do the minimal to get through the day then come home and stare at the walls or drink my sorrows away or take on any other destructive behavior. The choice is pretty simple to me. I believe as a person, no matter the situation, you should be striving to move forward. Trying to get better each day.

You guys have all brought up good points. Making me think about/see things from different perspectives. This is good and much appreciated. Thanks.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You sound like you are being rational about things and that's good.

When my stbxh left I did cry, couldn't eat,I fell apart BUT I got up and tried to get through the day each day.

I asked him the night he left to try MC and to give us another chance but he said no. I didn't beg him that night and I haven't since. I've just tried to move forward since then and work on me so I get how you're feeling.

Just keep moving forward and working on yourself. You'll have good and bad days. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing.


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## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

Today was a good day after about 4 or 5 bad. Its nice to feel like you are on an "up" instead of a "down". I've started reading a book that was recommended on here. I can't remember the title exactly but it has something to do with "Nice Guys" Some of it hits home and some of it doesn't. I figure even if I can't use everything in it what will it hurt to read the whole thing. I am in an information seeking stage right now. Never dealt with this kind of thing before. If you look hard enough you take some good out of everything.


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## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

So, I think things have been going well, overall, with me for the last few days. Went out to the lake to take care of some things for winter. (what a bummer to say that word. seems like summer just started yesterday) Have not talked to wife in close to 2 weeks. It feels like I am getting used to being alone. Finished reading "No More Mr Nice Guy". Interesting read, to be sure. There are things I can definitely take from the book. I am having a hard time making connections to some of the "symptoms" listed and my situation. Don't get me wrong. I fully realize these situations are a two-way street. 
Have started another recommendation from here. It's about making divorce the best thing to ever happen to you. Sorry if I can't recall the title. I read on a kindle and I find I don't pay as much attention the title of a book once I begin reading it. There is something to be said for real, actual books. 
I have been reading other posts on all topics separation/divorce. At this point I believe divorce is coming for us. Just a feeling I got the last time we interacted. She has stated on multiple occasions that she wants nothing in terms of a settlement, in the event of a divorce. She does not want lawyers involved. There is big part of me that believes her. I think she is feeling guilty about the situation as she left me and not vice versa. I guess I am curious about others experiences with this. 
I am not jumping the gun here. I know this will be a long process. I am at a point right now where I am seeking information on all related items with my situation.


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## HD1970 (Aug 26, 2013)

Its been a little while since I posted on here. I think this thread will probably wander around different topics as I post. I have been on the site almost daily just checking in and taking what I can from the other posts. I have also been referring to this thread on occasion. That's part of the reason why I do not want to start new threads for posts that may not seem connected. 

I think things have been going well over the last couple of weeks. I have started to talk with a couple friends/family that have been through the same situation. This has been helpful to hear about their process/situation. I have not starting talking to a professional yet. I intend to but just have not figured out how to go about it. There is quite an extensive list when you look in the yellow pages. Very soon though i will get something set up. I am quite confused now which is why I am posting.

Over the last 3-4 weeks my wife and myself have been getting together for supper once a week. (going on dates, I guess) Just to see each other, catch up, get updates on where each other is at in this thing. So, first of all, on our second "date" she tells me she is starting to deal with some heavy co-dependence issues and needs to work on herself before she can think about us. I agree(d) with her totally. Still, though, it is a little out of left field for me. When the separation started, it was because she felt she was not sure that our life was what she wanted. 

Last night we go out for our third "date". Over supper she asks if I would be interested in marriage counseling. (I brought this up when we first started our separation and she wanted nothing to do with it.) I was quite surprised by this and all I could think of saying was "I suggested this and you said no" Not with a real ignorant tone but I got my point across. Eventually I said that I am open to it but I need to spend time on myself right and before we look at working together on our marriage. 

We discuss me working on me for a bit and I tell that I know of some things I can work on but I am not sure exactly what is was I did or didn't do to make her want to leave. She asked me if I wanted her to tell me. I said no. I did not feel like listening to her tell me all the things that are wrong with me. As well, I started to think about it, who says she is right? I'm reading these self help books, posts on this site, checking out other sources and I am having a bit of a hard time relating to a lot of it. Who is to say that how I am as a person is wrong? 

I have been practicing 180. This was easy off the start because she was not contacting me at all. It still is easy but she has been texting me a lot more frequently over the last little bit. After her demeanor off the start it just seems strange is all.

Anyhow, to wrap this up the gist of this post is that I am confused because it seems I am dealing with a slightly different situation then originally thought, I am wondering about working on me and I have to admit that I am starting to get used to living my life by myself. Thanks for reading and any replies you guys post.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Keep working on yourself. That will pay dividends no matter what happens with your marriage.

If you still love her and she's working on her stuff, then try MC. Don't move back in together, keep working on you and see how the MC goes. But, if you're done at this point and can't trust her; the dance of reconciliation won't end any differently than the track it's been on so far.

Good luck.


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