# beginning of a separation



## isadore (Jun 15, 2014)

I'm currently in the beginning stages of a separation with my husband of a year and a half. we've been together for four years, but were off for eight months prior us getting back together/married. 

He was diagnosed with cancer right after we got married & it was really hard for me seeing him in that way for three months of chemotherapy and radiation. He's currently in remission and doing fantastic. I have struggled with depression since I was young and finally got over my stigma of antidepressants, so I started them last summer because I felt myself get into a deeper slump. Later on that year, I experienced two family deaths that were very troubling for me so that didn't help my depression in any way. I would go to work and be very "on" and work hard and as soon as I came home, I would lie in bed all day, drained from the day in general and a cloudy mind, offering nothing to my husband. 

This went on for months, and a couple of weeks ago he told me that he's tired of trying and me not giving anything back (which I can admit to doing) and at first wanted a divorce and that we should separate. I was highly upset and started to have suicidal thoughts because I was so sad and embarrassed, but as the days passed I realized that a separation would be good for us so that I can just work through my depression as well as properly grieve through the loss of my family members. 

Since discussing our separation in a rational manner, he has a change of heart and hasn't considered divorce the verdict of our marriage, but we both know the separation will do us both some good. He moves at the end of the month and I will stay at our apartment and continue to work, but I'm still sad about it and am trying prepare myself mentally for when he leaves (we are still living together, and there is no tension). 

I'm just not sure I can get through it when he leaves because it'll make the separation real for me. 

Any advice?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

You need to focus on yourself, what makes you happy, and keep yourself occupied.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are the two of you going to date other people? You need to decide. If you don't want him playing the field then the two of you need to sit down and write out a list of dos and dont's, a contract of sorts, which you both will follow while separated. Don't just assume he will stay faithful, and you need to set up barriers for your own fidelity to make sure you don't stray due to your depression and the loneliness that will follow his leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

ARe you in counseling (IC)? If not, you should be. Suicidal thoughts and depression are not a good mix. Things may get worse for you in the marriage. Separation doesn't usually lead to reconciliation. Get counseling now.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How has the cancer affected your ability have children?

Did the illness bring an end to your sex life?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

How long is the separation? What steps are in place to heal and reconcile? Have you discussed visitation, finances, dating? Separations if planned and have a purpose, can be beneficial. This sounds like escape and hoping for a miracle. Miracles are great, but its not much of a plan.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

First of all, are you in love with him or just married to him for security? Your relationship was already troubled even before you got married. Did you ever really deal with the reason you were broken up for 8 months prior to your wedding? Ask yourself WHY you married him, and answer that question honestly.

Personally, if you are in love with him and want this marriage to succeed, I wouldn't separate. I would go to marriage counseling together and learn how to meet each other's needs better. You also should see an individual counselor to deal with your depression and grieving for the loss of family members.

If you separate, I'm afraid you will just drift further apart.

If, on the other hand, you have regrets about marrying him in the first place, you should separate with no intention of resuming the relationship. Consider divorce.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Im with Happy.
Separating is only going to solidify the void between you.

If you want to save the marriage, you must do it as a TEAM. 

It CAN be done. People can learn new skills and better ways to communicate and make up for the lack of instruction they got as kids.

if you two ditch now, its going to look like you were never really serious in the first place.


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