# Moving From Separation to Divorce



## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

I have been separated from my husband since 2003. There have been so many problems!

I plan to divorce once our youngest completes high school. She will be 18 then. She is now 16.

H is an alcoholic and a very controlling man. Not an evil man, I can see how he came to be the way he is. In earlier years, I enabled it. 

I'm just making a brief post to say hello. Initially I was going to post my story but it was just too long.

H and I live on the same property. I live in the house with the children, he lives in a nicely set up powered shed. I don't think he wants the divorce although he agreed to it. Whatever we do makes it harder for me to leave. I'm trying to understand how that happens - is it him or me? 

I have already learned a lot from these forums.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Are you two just roommates? 

How old are your kids and do they see you two as a married couple or just roomies of the same house lot?

I would think this is hard on everyone. So no intimacy at all since 2003?

Bibi


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## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

We are neighbors. That's how we see it. I don't have access to his stuff, he doesn't have access to mine. The only shared facet of our life is finances and land ownership. Occasionally I'll go to his place for a coffee, or he will come to mine. We have only lived this way since 2009. From 2003-2007 he lived overseas and we had minimal contact. After 2007 I became ill and he returned to prevent the children going into foster care while I was in hospital. 

The children are 23 (moved out), 20 (home and full time student), 18 (home and also student, has Aspergers), and 16 (high school student).

We've lived this way since they were very young and they know our marriage is odd. 

No intimacy. I haven't had sex since 2003 and that was a bad experience and the only time that year. He never did cuddle or touch or hold hands. 

We have talked about and agreed to divorce in 1999, 2003, 2009 and again this year, but it doesn't happen. 

The children have no interest in getting girlfriends or boyfriends and I now think this is a consequence of their home environment. They saw me get destroyed by the marriage. I say me because I'm the parent they know. I'm sure my husband was equally destroyed. I'm hoping to turn that around now, to achieve independence. I've become very timid over the years and I'm trying to change that.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Pull the trigger already. Quit suffering. File the divorce and move on. It ain't for the kids because you already admit there ain't nothing normal about what you're doing. Split the remaining assets and rebuild your lives.


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## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

Okay, here's what brought me to this forum:

When we talked about divorce at the end of last year, my husband suggested we keep the property in which we have $50,000 equity and lots more owing. We have 2 acres in a rural location and it is already subdivided into two one-acre lots. We could each take half. It sounded reasonable since rental places for a single mother with teenagers is hard to find, plus I have a 14 year old dog. Rentals here hate pets, but she has been an important part of the family.

However, I have not been able to find a job, being unskilled, living in the country and my time is restricted particularly by my Asperger boy's schedule (I can't do immediate call casual work or evening work). So husband suggested that I get a degree to improve my chances of a job.

I have always wanted a degree, our life plan included me getting one years ago but husband found he couldn't handle full-time parenting.

I am almost at the end of the first year of my degree, and husband has now been offered partnership in a local business in a field he has always wanted to get involved in. It would mean his dropping hours by two days a week, reducing our income which would probably mean I would have to go part time study, pushing the graduation date out a few years.

This sort of thing has happened every time we talk divorce. Well, this sort of thing happens anytime I try to do anything to be honest. 

It feels like I'm being outmanoeuvred but maybe it's just sensible and I'm being irresponsible? I don't want to shortchange the children with a mid-life seachange - is that what I'm doing? 

I'm committed to the degree now and have to complete within a set number of years, and I know I need a qualification to get on and I very much want that. 

If I can recognize what I'm dealing with, I will know the way forward. I guess it's no biggie if it takes that few years longer to become self-supporting, but I have been feeling my life slip away from me for a long time. Really, I never intended to become so dependent on my husband in the first place, but I just, well, allowed it to happen when I was feeling powerless. 

How should I be thinking about this? What do I even take into account?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

For someone without a college degree you sure write eloquently. I have a MBA and I don't write that well. Can you explain this phenomenon?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Springtree said:


> How should I be thinking about this? What do I even take into account?


Professional help will guide in the direction you need to continue your journey.

Check with your insurance provider to see how many therapy sessions it covers per year to see a counselor. You have put your life on hold for a long time. How much more time are you going to waste just surviving and waiting for a moment of enlightenment? 

It's your life of course, but a little professional help goes a long way. What do you have to lose?

Bibi


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## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> Professional help will guide in the direction you need to continue your journey.


Yes, that's a good idea. I have access to 10 sessions a year. I'll start there.

Also, just from reading over my post I can see that I'm being somewhat defeatist. This is something I can overcome. 

I'll start with the therapist, and after this semester's exams I'll find a part time job. I have good references from my last jobs, I only resigned because my son needed more structure and support at home. He is a few years older now and not facing the demands of a regular high school, so he might handle it better. 

I've been finding lots of useful tips in these forums too.


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## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

I don't know if it is more appropriate to update or start a new thread, but I am now quite certain that a new start for husband and I is the best solution.

I'm saving for rental bond, starting to get rid of excess belongings and looking for a part time position in the area that I hope to move to. Rental is very tight in our city, it's a fact I will have to work around. 

I'm facing a new development. My husband who has blamed me for years over our marital issues and distance, who has often said that I ruined his life and the sooner we divorce the better, is now very resistant to the divorce. The more concrete steps I take, the more resistance I am meeting over eg provision of financial information, division of property maintenance tasks, homework help and chauffeuring of the teenagers etc. Also, the more objection I am finding over what household items I can legitimately take with me. Even though we have agreed numerous times on what I would take or leave, he is now raising objections and presenting assumptions and codicils to each agreement that I feel were never even implied. 

I guess that's normal? I think I am in for a fight at every step of the way. He can be very hurtful in speech, he is the master of the cutting insult. I am working on staying guarded and keeping in good health so I can withstand that.


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