# Is this relationship worth saving?



## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

Hello all... I'm back here again! I first started to visit this forum about 1.5yrs ago when my wife had an emotional, most likely physical affair. I took the forum's advice and confronted her and that issue is behind us. However, the relationship is still a treacherous journey...

She graduated recently and is looking for a job. However, that is easier said than done, she's spent past half year or so looking for a career without any success. I support her looking for a career that suits her so I'm not in any hurry, but she is getting frustrated and starting to talk about moving to a different country more and more frequently. I'm in a career where I spent at least 60hrs/week working, so my fault for not be able to spend too much time with her. During the past half year or so, she is becoming increasingly moody and short tempered, and started to exhibit emotional bully traits (10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men). 

We recently went on a 2-week long vacation in Europe. While we initially were having fun, but as days drag on and we became tired, she became increasingly negative all the time (complaint that I'm not focusing on her, complaint that I want to do some work, complaint that I'm not taking enough pictures of her, complaint that tour is too slow, complaint that her views are blocked...). I would become the target: why didn't I have balls to tell the lady in front of her to move, why didn't I take picture from this angle to that angle, etc, and would start screaming in front of all the tourists and throw a tantrum at fellow tourists (you are huge! can't you see you are blocking everyone's view?). She is very into fitness lately, and she constantly thinks that she needs to fight everyone in Europe and talks about she can take everyone on by her self.

After we came back from vacation, she seemed to relax a bit but were still very moody. We have a dog together and she claims that I'm bribing the dog to love me more (I'm away from home 12hrs a day!). She completely stopped contributing to household maintenance.

Over weekend, we were having a little fun sparring in the backyard, but one time we hit each other a bit too hard and she started screaming profanities and started punching and kicking me like mad. Since we were still in sparring gear I laughed it off and let her blow off her steam a bit. She hit me once hard enough to rupture my ear drum. That ended with me calling her some names and back in the house. However, half hour later she found me in living room and started going all out again. This time she was a bit out of control and started playing with kitchen knives. I really lost temper this time and told her that "she out-stayed her welcome at my house" and she "should pack up and get out of here".

Right now, we are sleeping in different bedrooms in a complete cold war. I'm wondering, is this kind of woman worth it?


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## Am_I_Crazy (Sep 27, 2012)

No, get out! 

Edited: Sorry for the short answer, but she seems like a nightmare. I think you know the correct answer to this situation.


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## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

OK, to be fair, I did manage the latest crisis poorly. There are a couple of NUTs that I violated. 

- When the name calling started, I should've walked away. Instead, I stayed and dragged on the tongue battle and started saying what I said.

- Maybe I should've just walked the hell out. However, by that time, she already bursted my one of my eardrums and was charging after me holding 2 kitchen knives. Instead, I disarmed her and tried to talk.

I don't want this to turn into one of those divorce nightmares on TV where we fight for everything and become a drama show for the judges and lawyers. However, I don't see her calming down and being rational for a long time. 

Euuugh!

EDIT: Ok, I feel like I need to vent a little. I listed 6 things that we have arguments about. Some are my fault, others I don't consider I'm the evil.

1. I don't make enough time for her. I leave for work by 7am in the morning, while she is still sleeping. I don't get home until at least 8~9pm. I cook dinner 90% of the time, and by the time we are done eating it is usually well past 10pm. I usually try to get some of my second job done the next couple of hours and we just sleep by 2am. She has to drags me out on weekends. I'm less than ethuasitc about going out with her on weekends, I tend to want to just "hang out" in the house. She wants me to spend time with her, go to local places, drive to nearby beach or mountain. 

2. I am messy. After I cook sometimes I leave dishes piling for 2~3 days. I don't fold laundry, I put clothing straight into laundry hamper and pick out what I need from there. However, she doesn't even know how to use the washer! I have to wash and dry everything, every time! She doesn't know how to use any applicanes in the house, and she would often put away her stuff during the first 30 minutes, than spend the next 30 minutes yelling at me for "never putting stuff away"!

3. She finds it hard to communicate with me. Probably my fault since I often find it difficult to express my feelings. I get impatient very quickly when she wants to talk since it quickly degenerates into vulgarities. I want to know what she wants me to do, but that just frustrates her more. If you don't want me to do anything why do you want to talk about it? 

4. I used to be very fit (5~8% body fat, well built). However, I'm currently very out of shape (overweight).

=====

1. I work my ass off. I work as engineer, and we are in our mid-20s. Based on my income, we are living in a very comfortable and huge home in a country club. I don't have any drug / alcohol abuses. I am 100% supporting us financially. She continuously say that I'm a cheap bastard, despite of having not worked a single day of her life.

2. I am responsible. If I say I'll get something done, it will be done by the time she wants it. However, she insists to dictate the exact time that I need to do something. This frustrates me to no end and was the source of many arguments.

3. I am considerate. However, she always thinks I'm doing something behind her back. For example, I'll see her shivering and will offer to turn up the temperature. She'll snap at me saying that I am cold and wants to turn up the temperature. Then she'll accuse me of being a liar for refusing to admit that I am cold and want to turn up the temperature.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles man. I'm going to do my best and forgive me should any of this come across rude. 

Your wife sounds really immature and seemingly doesn't communicate or act like an adult. I must say that reading this it really doesn't seem like a divorce situation to me as a communication fail. She is trying to communicate something, but apparently lacks the direction or know how to do it. You likewise admit you wish you were better at expressing your emotions and communicating. 

It seems like you both probably have built up walls around the relationship and again I just got to say reading that, it seems like just poor communication skills. It's savable, whether you want to or not it's definitely saveable. 

Sorry again to hear this and hope that you consider having as mellow a heart to heart as you can, get some individual as well as marriage counseling and figure it out. 

Best of luck and kind wishes!


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