# My Ex Contacted Me Today...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

To tell me he has "extranodal lymphoma".

I'm really not sure I believe him and am confused on what to do with the info. We were together for 5 years, (never married). For a long time after I left him he'd write letters and call me, trying to get me back. I worked hard to rebuild my life after all the bullsugar he put me through. 

We haven't talked in almost a year and a half. (We used to talk after my hubby and I got married, but once I realized what an EA was, and that I was having one - I broke off contact to commit to my husband).

If I tell my husband that my ex contacted me, he will be pissed. Not only that, but he will be insensitive to the situation. My ex is also married, so I don't think he's looking to manipulate me anymore. We were the best of friends before he lost his mind, (drugs, bpd, physical/sexual abuse, etc.). I think he's just looking for someone to talk to... Not sure why that person isn't his wife. Or, maybe he wants closure?

I am so lost right now. I wish he hadn't told me. Now I feel like I'm in a sticky situation. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, if I had a terminal diagnosis, I would call my ex and tell him. 

I'd tell your husband, tell him you have no intention of changing anything -- but honestly, life and death diagnoses (if this is such) do tend to change one's priorities. He probably is seeking closure, and all you have to do is wish him well.

And honestly, if your husband has a problem with you sending good wishes to a dying ex, then you have a current problem. This is just what people do. It's not bad, it's not wrong, it's kind. When people are dying, you are kinder to them. That's kind of humanity 101.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I would call my ex, (the one I'm talking about here in particular) too if I got a hardcore medical diagnosis...

I'm scared of telling my husband. He is passive aggressive and will find some way to "punish" me somehow. I already know that he will not sympathize AT ALL. (My husband was a friend of mine while I was still with my ex - so he saw a lot of stuff, and was my shoulder to cry on many, many times). My ex was a truly awful person the last two years of our relationship.

I'm just in disbelief. I'm not even sure if *I* want to talk to my ex anymore and feel kind of weird that he's put me in this position.

Going to take a lot of time to sort through this mess and make the choice I won't regret later... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, if I had a terminal diagnosis, I would call my ex and tell him.
> 
> I'd tell your husband, tell him you have no intention of changing anything -- but honestly, life and death diagnoses (if this is such) do tend to change one's priorities. He probably is seeking closure, and all you have to do is wish him well.
> 
> And honestly, if your husband has a problem with you sending good wishes to a dying ex, then you have a current problem. This is just what people do. It's not bad, it's not wrong, it's kind. When people are dying, you are kinder to them. That's kind of humanity 101.


Well I'll offer the counter to this advice. If your husband isn't cool with it, then don't do it. Your allegiance is to your husband not your dying ex. Exactly like you said, why isn't he telling HIS wife? He's fishing.

You have a 5 year history with the guy, and you were involved in an EA with him. That means NO CONTACT. This guy isn't after closure, he wants to get his meat hooks into you. His current wife is probably treating him like crap because he's been miserable to her and he needs validation before he dies.

What good would come of responding if it upsets your husband?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm still not quite sure I believe my ex.

He says he has non-Hodgkins intracranial extranodal lymphoma. He is 27 years old.

Says he will not be undergoing treatment, other than pain and symptom management.

My ex DOES have a history of being a liar and very manipulative person... But considering the fact that we've gone on with our lives, married other people and haven't talked in over a year, I can't imagine WHY else he would tell me this?

My mind is blown. I don't know what to think... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Yin, only you can decide. Maybe he is scamming you. This is really not about him, it's about your karma.

As far as you go, COguy, I'm guessing you have never sat by the bedside of someone dying from cancer, and I'm pretty sure you have never done any of the tasks involved in that. When you do, I'll consider your opinion.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks for you perspectives, Lamaga and COguy. This is VERY confusing to me... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know, honey. I know. You'll do what you think best, and that's ok -- no matter what you decide.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I just don't want to lie to my husband. I never lied to him before, even when I spent time with my ex. And my first temptation is to not tell my husband and comfort my ex as best I can... But I know that isn't right, or fair.

  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Don't lie to your husband. Tell him the ex contacted you and told you his diagnosis. I do agree that no contact means no contact. I also understand being concerned that an ex is (possibly) dying. If you really feel you MUST find out, see if your husband is willing to call the wife. Honestly, I wouldn't respond to an ex beyond wishing him well (as well as can be expected) and hoping it is as painless as possible. And leave it at that. While I get the concern, I agree that your loyalty is to your husband. If it was a cousin, an old high school friend (friend, not ex-bf), or other friend or relative, yes, I could see keeping in contact til the end. But, you had an EA with this man. And what if you were to talk to him, reminisce, etc. and then he miraculously goes into remission? What then? Would it be easy or harder to extricate yourself from him, again? As I said...tell your husband. Don't keep any of this from him at all.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Very good points, Maricha.

I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work. Crossing my fingers he somehow doesn't blame me for ex contacting me... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Again, Yin, if your husband blames YOU for this, you have problems that have nothing to do with the ex.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If my EX contacted to tell me she had terminal cancer I`d ignore it.

I may or may not mention it to my wife.

For the record I was at my mothers bedside when she died from Emphysema.
I was bedside when my grandmother died from pneumonia exasperated buy her lung cancer.
My step father died of throat cancer.
My Grandfather died of lung cancer.

He`s an EX for a reason.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Tacoma, that's you.

People become "exes" for many reasons. I still care about most of my exes, not all of whom were husbands.

Jeez, we live much longer than we used to. I no longer want to live with my boyfriend from my 20s, but I still am in touch with him and I still care about him. Are you suggesting that that is wrong?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, Tacoma, that's you.


I know, that`s why I began that post with "If I.."

Honestly, I would be none too happy with my wife if she wanted to hook up with an EX because he was dying or any reason for that matter.

Edit;



> Jeez, we live much longer than we used to. I no longer want to live with my boyfriend from my 20s, but I still am in touch with him and I still care about him. Are you suggesting that that is wrong?


It would be in my relationship.

Notice I said, "My" relationship.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, Yin admits that she was having an EA with this ex, while married to her current husband. In this case, it would be a conflict of interest. And I would certainly understand if the husband became upset about the EX contacting her, but not getting upset with Yin over it. That's the key issue here. Not that he's an ex, but that he's an ex she was involved with DURING her marriage. I have an ex I would be concerned about as well. He was my first real boyfriend. And he is now married to my cousin. I would talk to my cousin, not him.And, yes, I sat beside relatives when they were dying as well. I think, if he were a different ex... like distant past, making amends, etc, that would be one thing. But she cheated on her husband with this man. That changes the dynamic. Put it in his hands. Just don't hide it.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Again, Yin, if your husband blames YOU for this, you have problems that have nothing to do with the ex.


Yes, true. Part of that is my fault... I had poor boundaries before joining this site...

When I was with my ex, I guess you could say I had an EA with my now-husband. At the time "we were just friends" and I really believed that. My ex was fine with it - very trusting and I never cheated on him. My husband and I didn't become more than friends until a year after I broke up with my ex, did the whole starting my life over from scratch thing - I mean I was literally homeless.

My ex had found out that my now-husband and I were together when he broke into my home, (after he was released from jail), while we weren't there and found some wedding photos.

He apparently had a breakdown at that point and called the cops on himself, who were there when now-husband and I returned. 

So it was then that I realized how talking to my ex when I was married was causing problems - but I honestly didn't think anything of it at the time. That's how messed up my thinking was. I never ever cheated on either one of them physically, but I know realize I cheated on both emotionally.

So, because of all the drama my poor boundary systems brought about, I was finally able to go NC with my ex and keep it that way. Until today.

Hubby will be home in two hours. I know I have to tell him and I'm hoping my honesty will grant us both peace of mind. At this point, I am thinking that I will not talk to my ex again. It's unfortunate, he was a big part of my life, a good friend and a great boyfriend for three years before he went nuts. (And now I'm wondering if this diagnosis wasn't to blame, at least in part...) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, if you don't want to call the ex, don't. As I said before, it's all up to you. If you don't call him, you can always send him best wishes, or prayers, or whatever fits into your spiritual scheme.

Although I've commented several times on this, it's really none of our business.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I also want to say, that "now" what identified "then" was an EA... But at the time it was "friendship" in my mind - so it did not include things like flirting or meeting behind each other's backs. My husband knew everytime my ex contacted me because I told him. I told him because at the time I thought it was okay to be friends with exes. I now feel differently about that after learning more about EAs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> As far as you go, COguy, I'm guessing you have never sat by the bedside of someone dying from cancer, and I'm pretty sure you have never done any of the tasks involved in that. When you do, I'll consider your opinion.


I'm going to guess that you've never been cheated on.

When you have, then I'll consider your opinion.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

COguy said:


> I'm going to guess that you've never been cheated on.
> 
> When you have, then I'll consider your opinion.


I have had the great misfortune of experience both. The first duty is to the current husband in my book, and it would be a grievous breech of trust to lie about this and continue contact particularly after the EA. (YMMV)


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