# Would you stay married?



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

If you knew there was 80% chance your husband would have early onset Alzheimer's and be very forgetful by 60 years old and nursing home bound by 70 would you stay? Or flip the situation and say wife?

I'm the husband and have the gene I've been tested. My dad and all of his brothers ALL had early onset Alzheimer's none of them knew their kids by 75.

My dad started to become very forgetful at 60 and couldn't drive by 65, he passed at 68 rest his soul.

I'm almost 40 now and as the kids get older. Only about 4 more years before all are in or out of college I wonder if it's worth it to stay married!

My wife rules, but she could find another guy and have a great life to a more appropriate age 80-85. 

Of course my wife thinks it's crazy, but part of me thinks it makes sense.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have a tough dilemma to figure out. Marriage vows typically include the "in sickness" clause, but of course there are pragmatic considerations, and the emotional ones of caring about the effects on loved ones.

We can only do the best we can, and plan as best we can for various contingencies. For example, the financial impacts can be devastating even with long term care insurance. We are looking into a so-called Medicaid Divorce, to protect the future of the well spouse. That may be one way to mitigate the impacts, yet keep your family intact.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

This is a choice.....it's like saying "Hey, I love you, but your life will suck once I get sick. We've had a good run....now go meet someone hot, sexy, and fun an start over I'll be okay."


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I just read a news article that said they may have found the cure.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OG,

I always knew you were a good guy. 

But no - this isn't your call to make for her. 

And the rate of progress on Alzheimer's and dementia in general is high. I will be astonished if we don't have effective therapy for it by the time it begins to happen to you. 

And besides - knowing how fit/determined you are, I imagine you will make the lifestyle changes that are known to delay onset....

Your wife really loves you. That's cool. 

QUOTE=OhGeesh;11415081]If you knew there was 80% chance your husband would have early onset Alzheimer's and be very forgetful by 60 years old and nursing home bound by 70 would you stay? Or flip the situation and say wife?

I'm the husband and have the gene I've been tested. My dad and all of his brothers ALL had early onset Alzheimer's none of them knew their kids by 75.

My dad started to become very forgetful at 60 and couldn't drive by 65, he passed at 68 rest his soul.

I'm almost 40 now and as the kids get older. Only about 4 more years before all are in or out of college I wonder if it's worth it to stay married!

My wife rules, but she could find another guy and have a great life to a more appropriate age 80-85. 

Of course my wife thinks it's crazy, but part of me thinks it makes sense.[/QUOTE]


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Curious hypothetical OhG. We’ve got a good probability of Alzheimer’s as indicated from my side and a good probability of Parkinson’s as indicated from Ms. Spin’s side. We’ve “been there and done that” with both and – it’s a tough row to hoe either way.

Let me ask you this, if your fair and beautiful wife came to you with the exact same proposition as you propose – how would you respond?


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

My H's family has a history of Huntington's Disease. He is terrified but will not get tested for the gene. Would I want him to leave me because of it, no and I will not if he begins to show symptoms. 

To me, I think it's your wife's choice to stay with you, and not a decision for you to make for her.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

*Coconut Oil Touted as Alzheimer's Remedy*


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Tomorrow isn't even guaranteed for any of us.

Love your wife with all that you have and allow her to love you in return. Don't take the present moment for granted, or let it pass you by because you are concerned about the future.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

OhGeesh said:


> If you knew there was 80% chance your husband would have early onset Alzheimer's and be very forgetful by 60 years old and nursing home bound by 70 would you stay? Or flip the situation and say wife?
> 
> I'm the husband and have the gene I've been tested. My dad and all of his brothers ALL had early onset Alzheimer's none of them knew their kids by 75.
> 
> ...


Of course, I would stay. You don't leave someone because of family genes and potential illness. You don't leave someone solely for illness. Heck you might as well screen them before you marry them! Or never get married at all because all of us are going to die and we all have the potential to get ill. Just enjoy life now.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> If you knew there was 80% chance your husband would have early onset Alzheimer's and be very forgetful by 60 years old and nursing home bound by 70 would you stay? Or flip the situation and say wife?
> 
> I'm the husband and have the gene I've been tested. My dad and all of his brothers ALL had early onset Alzheimer's none of them knew their kids by 75.
> 
> ...


I'm sure you've discussed this with your wife. And I assume that she knows that you love her but are talking about divorce only to lessen the impact of possible future disease on her.

If all that is true, then you must let her make up her mind. She loves you and the thing most women in that situation want to do is to abandon her husband. So I repeat, let her make up her own mind.

And you never know. There has been some progress on drugs for Alzheimer's and the next 20 years could yield a lot more.

One thing I would advise. If she does stay, and if you feel that you are starting to show serious symptoms, give her a free pass to see other men. She may need the emotional connection to give her the strength to deal with you.

And one last thing. I think you are very brave to even bring this situation up.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I would stay. I meant my vows. I also know that in my family, living to 70-75 is considered a long life span. It's not that we are all carrying life-shortening genetic diseases, we just don't seem to have the genetics to make us octogenarians, and we are prone to chronic but not lethal illnesses. 

My great grandma was in her early 70s when she passed. My biological father didn't make it to 60 (course he used drugs and booze to speed it up). I have talked to my husband about this. I told him I won't live to be 80. He will likely make it that long; his grandma is in her 90s. His family has stronger genetics and better health. 

If he gave me a "I'm going to get ill in 15-20 years, let's divorce" talk, I'd say, "So what is it you are wanting to go and do that you feel being married to me for the next 15-20 years will prevent you from doing?" As it just wouldn't cross my mind that he could love me but want to leave based on something that will only probably happen 15-20 years down the road.

I'd find a new partner. Even if I was 60 or 70. Or I'd just be happy to still be alive, and enjoy my daughter/any grandkids. I'd make sure I had family and friends so that when he did pass, I wasn't alone and would hopefully be less depressed. I'd be sure I had hobbies and interests of my own. Does she have all that? Are you worried you'll get ill or die and then she's just left with nothing, no one, despondent? You have four kids, so that's not going to be the case. She will be okay. 

Leaving how is like divorcing because you MIGHT get in a car wreck tomorrow and you just can't do that to her. Which is ridiculous, right? Well, this doesn't make much more sense, either. She married you. She stuck by you. She knows what she got into. Trust her to have made the choice SHE wanted to make.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Another related thing:

I found out yesterday (well we both did) that there is a history of cancer in his family. Serious cancer, like brain cancer. I can't imagine saying, "Well, your odds are higher for getting brain cancer. We should divorce so I can find someone without a history of cancer in their family."

That'd be pretty WTF, right?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I think it's crazy you are asking this. Even with a worst case, you have 20 wonderful years left. Besides, you could die tomorrow...let that way of thinking go and be happy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Of course I would. My love/dedication to my wife is forever, when walls come up, we will deal with them.

Besides, NOTHING is 100% or certain OP. Stop being paranoid and worrying about stuff that might not even happen. 

It's something your wife needs to worry about WHEN it happens......not now, so don't try to force it down her throat or you will get exactly what you are asking for......which I'm pretty sure you don't want.

Also, remember OP, during hard times/when diseases strike/or sickness etc.....is when the STRENGTH of your marriage is REALLY tested. I just went thru this past 2 years as I have been diagnosed with chronic disease......and my wife supported me every step of the way and stood by me.

You don't even know or realize how much this means and how much closer it brought us together......and if you only knew what I have, it's not fun or pretty for BOTH of us.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I am at risk for early Alzheimers. I have discussed with my wife, and will discuss more: when my mind starts to go, I want her to leave me - whether she actually divorces or just leaves me in a nursing home doesn't matter. 

For now we enjoy our lives together. If my mind starts to go, and I don't catch it quickly enough to kill myself, then it is better that on life be destroyed rather than two. 

I watched a parent fail from alzheimers - it is a horrible death, horrible to the victim and to the family.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP...

There are no guarantees that your "plan" would ensure your wife of a happily-ever-after.

Let's take your hypothetical... she leaves you now because you *might* get Alzheimer's in 20-25 years. So she goes through a divorce (even though she still loves you), you both tear the family apart, after years of searching she finally finds the "new Mr. Right", falls in love and marries him.

Now, let's say he gets hit by a bus a month after she marries him. Or down the road he winds up with cancer, Parkinson's or (God-forbid!) Alzheimer's. (And perhaps YOU never developed Alzheimer's after all.)

How does that solve anything?

There are no guarantees for ANYONE's future.

Marriage is for better or for worse. In sickness AND in health. I think your plan is flawed.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

My BIL (my sister's husband) has sickle cell anemia. He is prescribed some heavy narcotics for it & has had some "attacks" since he has been with my sister. The life expectancy for a man with sickle cell is generally 42 year old. My BIL will be turning 39 in May....my sister still married him knowing this.

I'm sure your wife would still want to remain married to you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I would give her permission to do as she wishes, in no unclear terms. Stay with me if you want, but PROMISE that when it becomes clear that I'm becoming a burden, put me in a home and feel no guilt over what you do with your life from that time forward, including finding another lover. That is my wish for you.


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