# Now here's an odd feeling...or not?



## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

The sheer extremes of emotions that I have felt over the last two months has been exhausting...filled with the highs and lows of the rollercoaster ride created by my wife's affairs. I didn't see any of this coming (how many of us really do?) and I thought things were generally good for us. I had chalked up any of our issues to just "normal husband and wife been together for 20 years stuff". Instead, now I've been consumed with all the emotions...

Anger
Sadness
Fear
Denial
Grief
Anxious
Confused
Deflated
Broken
Beaten down
Shock

But here's one that has kinda caught me off guard today...I find myself annoyed by a feeling of being "cheated or ripped off" because she got to have an affair and I didn't. Almost like its unfair that she got to experience some pleasure with the pain and all I get to feel is the pain. 

We are working towards recovery and I believe we are both committed to the marriage, but Am I really jealous that she beat me to the punch? Is this a common feeling for the betrayed spouse? Is this some sign that we really have much greater issues that I've simply been denying? 

For 20 years, I haven't thought about having an affair And I'm not even interested NOW in having an affair in spite of everything. I've certainly asked myself quite often recently if I thought I could, but quite honestly I'm so disappointed in people right now, that I don't even find other women attractive or of any interest.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I feel all the things you feel. I do feel cheated, but not for the same reason you do.

I feel cheated because my husband took something away from our marriage that we can never have again; a completely faithful marriage that isn't tainted by an affair. At this point, our marriage will always have that ugly spot in it where he had an affair. It's something that I will never forget and since I'm still healing and recovering, I'm still not sure that I can forgive him for what he has done to me. Though I can say that I am working on it and trying to find a way to forgive him. 

I have never wanted to have an affair and even after my husband had one I still didn't want to have an affair. It just doesn't interest me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds reasonable to me. Wouldn't do it if you are trying to reconcile - but I understand where you are coming from.


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## gnipoh10 (Aug 17, 2010)

Sadara,

What a lucky man your husband is...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

H2BAMO,

During my confrontation that was my 1st thought, but I threw it in there with jealousy. I remember telling her " you lucky sl*t you got some strange" her reply " well you cheated to" I told her that was BS and that I wish I could get some. Second was anger and then i had a felling of power. I had the upper hand be cause she broke and admitted. So there was no doubt in my mind what she had to do or else. there was no "I need time" BS or everybodys favorite "we are just friends".
Days later she told me the confidence I showed that day scared her b/c she couldn't get a read on me.

During investigation I had saddness, boken down and confusion I almost started to grovel but stopped. That is way you need a plan before you confront.

Denial happened 13 years ago and road that feeling till Feb '10 

Ha, that was some crazy stuff, I will never forget the exact time, day and date that changed my life.

That is so cool someone finaly asked that question


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

That thought occured to me while I was deciding whether or not to divorce her. The main difference was that my wife knew that I could pick up the phone and get another woman for my bed, in about 15 seconds. If my wife had not come completely clean, She would be gone, and I would be with someone else, right now. I actually called an old GF, but my love for my wife stopped me, and my hope for reconciliation kept me from doing it again.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

*WHAT THE HELL​*You, are mad and jealous because she beat you, on cheating? Hello! it is not right for one for her to even be cheating on you- or was I should say. When you marry someone you are giving that person your live, your soul, your everything. When you are with somebody you are not to go around cheating on them, thinking about cheating, or even thinking of other people at that...​
Yes, it is fine to be hurt and upset​that your wife has went out on you. But it sure is not right to be all mad because she beat you on cheating. When you think about having someone else well, then you are not in love with the one you are with and you sure do not have any love for that person. Love, is something that is so precious and something so very rare to even have. When you have found that one true love, and know that you are in love and loving that person you sure in the hell would not be going around thinking about "Oh she beat me on cheating" Now, she also is in the wrong all the way as well.​
If you are going to be with her then do not​be crying that she beat you on cheating, you should be hurting ONLY due to her doing that... You are not in love with her and you sure do not have any love in you whatsoever...​


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Blue-eyed beauty -

If you reread my post, I said that I'm not interested in having an affair in spite of everything I know now. 

My post was simply trying to see if this thought/feeling that occured to me yesterday was normal or even just part of the normal rollercoaster of emotions for the BS. Never said that I even agreed with the thought, but I had to acknowledge that the thought was there.

If I didn't have love for her and want to rebuild our marriage, I would have already been gone, but I'm not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My take is; when it comes to some guys with a competive nature the though does accure. As dumb as it sound when writen down.
The bottom line is the dicision to fight for the marriage. lets face it this cheating grap is one hell of a rollercoaster ride of emotion and thoughts.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Funny. D-day for me was 7 months ago. Just had those thoughts this week. Would never act on them (2 wrongs don't make a right) and (I would never stoop to that level).


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That's a totally normal feeling. You WERE ripped off. She changed the terms of the relationship without telling you - so you were honoring one set of agreements (monogamy) and she was honoring another (open marriage). 

The reality is that during courtship the emotions are more intense, the sex is more intense, and there is high fueled by body chemistry that cant exist in a long term relationship. The secrecy compounds it.

So yes, you were ripped off because she got to experience that thrill that you'd sworn off by respecting your vows. 

Totally normal and understandable.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Seeking Sanity, that was a great post. You really put it into perspective and wrote what so many of us have probably felt and weren't able to identify. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback...especially Sanity...very well summed up.

On one hand I suppose its good to know that these feelings are all normal, but I can't tell you how much I hate having them, whether its this feeling of unwanted jealousy or a general disgust and disappointment towards my wife. I just don't like where I am right now.


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