# Help me make my arranged marriage successful.



## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Howdy,

New to this. But next week is my (25M) 1 month anniversary with someone (24F) who was arranged for me (both of us consented amongst the pressure to). Of course I already set up reservations, flowers, etc. for the day, but it feels more of a duty than anything else.
W gave up everything in a foreign state (friends, home, family, etc.) to move in with me while I study for the most important exam in my life early next year. I genuinely sympathize with the shift in her life after a week of talking to me turns into living with me, while leaving it all behind. I am doing everything possible to accommodate her (emptied big closet for her stuff, emptied cabinets and drawers in the bathroom for her stuff, set up work and makeup desks, give her full choice over the arrangement of the house, set her up with a gym membership, etc.). 
At this point though, I am only able to focus on negatives more than things I should be grateful for. W is really sweet and definitely compromising, and tries to take care of me by doing things which I honestly would prefer to do myself or not have done for me.

Here are the following issues and any feedback is welcome for:

1) I am not an emotional person - I am conscientious and irritatingly logical to the point I can't satisfy her emotional needs as most things that bother or excite her are viewed stoically by me as I am indifferent to things. I am able to play along and act excited (to an extent) or offer some sort of reflection on the various topics (if I am in agreement), but most of the time I remain quiet as what I will say will often make light of what she thinks is important.

2) I am not an intimate person - For some reason I was very spontaneous and lovey-dovey in my previous relationship with someone I can apply the word 'love' to. Now, along with the stresses of finances, work, my examination prep, and school simultaneously I remain too lost in thought trying to figure things out and prioritize to maximize (or at least be a little) efficiency. Thus, my libido stays busy with those other things rather than my spouse, and I just want to sleep. 
2a) It could also just be that we are still getting to know each other and though I am not physically attracted to her (as of yet), I am hoping it is a time related thing. Maybe once the education is complete then I will have more time to focus on her.
2b) I have prioritized 2 days out of the week that are fully dedicated to her and quality time as that is very important to her (and me), but scheduling my prioritize do not seem romantic to her, even though we end up having a great time.

3) Lack of reasoning is stressing me out. I am very cool-headed as I have to be given my field (law). And I am a very good listener (unfortunately). But I encourage her to talk and tell me what is on W's mind. And she does not hesitate to tell me, but it does not stop and jumps from topic to topic without seeking any resolution or point to the conversation. After 5-8 mins of her telling me things, she will seek my opinion, and regretfully I offer it by asking her what point was reached (or can we reach) in the various conversations blurted out and in return I get cut off halfway through my point (constantly in literally every conversation (use of "literally" is not exaggerated)). I have on one occasion sat her down and explained to her how my thought process works - seeking order in conversation. But aside from telling me "that's smart," things did not change - thus, I gave up. Now I let her talk and say just enough to get cut off so she can continue. But this isn't right.
3a) In most conversation, the details and circumstances keep circling around some point that doesn't get made till I eventually ask, "What is the point or purpose of you telling me this, because I am really lost". I do the same thing with my own family members though, as I do not have all the time in the world to dedicate when they can take 2-3 minutes to tell me something they are ranting about for 10-15min.
3b) In most conversation her tone tends to become condescending in nature, as she "gave up so much, and big companies, and friends, and all the opportunity in the world" to move to a state/city with less to offer (NY->Htx). 

4) After the first time she voiced her complaints to me I stayed up all night trying to see what I can do to make things better and decided that we should seek counseling. Though counseling has a negative connotation to it in the community, I reasonably believe it could just help to have a third party communicate and help with issues we are having. She was against this idea and said it was better to just bottle it up and let it work out in time. Regardless, I signed us up and after speaking with the Dr alone, she is more comfortable. So, I am really hoping that helps. 

Yet, I am still interested in any feedback or useful advice people who have done this longer than me can offer.
*'Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.' 

Thank You.*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.'


Ok. You can learn from mine. I am very much like you, my wife says I'm "Mr. Spock". She's right. I don't trust emotion, only logic and fact.

Get an annulment and get it over with as quickly as you can. Don't waste your life like this. Concentrate on your law practice, and upon those things which your natural gifts support.
Marriage is something I should have avoided, forever.



Doug Dimmadome said:


> it feels more of a duty than anything else


Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. There's no reward, only responsibility.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Of course it feels like a duty...you aren’t in love with her. Marrying her was a duty.

Do you know anyone else who has had their marriage arranged? You should talk to them as I’m sure it comes with different challenges than a marriage started in love.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Of course it feels like a duty...you aren’t in love with her. Marrying her was a duty.
> 
> Do you know anyone else who has had their marriage arranged? You should talk to them as I’m sure it comes with different challenges than a marriage started in love.


They all say the same thing: Over time you learn to love the person. That is all. 




TJW said:


> Ok. You can learn from mine. I am very much like you, my wife says I'm "Mr. Spock". She's right. I don't trust emotion, only logic and fact.
> 
> Get an annulment and get it over with as quickly as you can. Don't waste your life like this. Concentrate on your law practice, and upon those things which your natural gifts support.
> Marriage is something I should have avoided, forever.
> ...


The thought occurs, but I'd like to see if there is a way to make it work. If not, that may be the unfortunate resolution, but for now I need to at least try. It's only been a month, too soon to back out. But I will heed your advice, sir.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are arranged marriages part of your culture?


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Are arranged marriages part of your culture?


Very much so.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

That’s a tough one. On one hand, my realistic side wants to agree with most of what everyone has already said. But on the other hand, it’s part of your culture and it’s already done. So you’re trying to make it work.

It’s only been a month. Not much of an adjustment period. You’re going to have to get to know each other.

Of course you were lovey dovey in your other relationship because you loved her. I have to admit I don’t understand marrying someone you don’t love but maybe you can grow to love her. If you find out that you can’t, try to get out while you can still get an annulment.

I think it would be like any other situation where you were thrown in with someone you don’t know. You have to learn what makes the other tick and try to find some common ground.

As far as her being condescending, maybe try to understand that this is probably really hard for her too. I know you said pretty much that conversations with her are well, not fun. How could they be? This is a big huge deal for both of you. You’re still basically strangers at this point.

When you said you guys have a great time on the two days a week, did you mean sexually? (Tell me if I’m overstepping). I’m curious about that part. What it’s like. Is it duty sex? Are you trying to have children? Is there any passion at all? 

I think the counselor is a great idea. I’m glad she came around and wants to give it a try. It could only help. Even you being here asking for advice on how to make this work, helps.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive. This situation would be so terrifying to me. Did your parents have this kind of arraigned marriage?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Perhaps it is best to ask your W what she expects out of a husband and a marriage.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> They all say the same thing: Over time you learn to love the person. That is all.


I think maybe you’re expecting too much, too soon. You are still getting to know each other. Love is not instantaneous.

Maybe you should concentrate on becoming friends first and leave the more emotional heavy stuff to come on it’s own later.

I work with a lot of patients whose marriages were arranged. Many are extremely successful marriages. Give it the time that others who have been there tell you is needed.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

C.C. says ... said:


> That’s a tough one. On one hand, my realistic side wants to agree with most of what everyone has already said. But on the other hand, it’s part of your culture and it’s already done. So you’re trying to make it work.


So far, that's the only option I have. Too much pressure from all sides, along with pressure from school and exam prep and work to begin such a commotion.



C.C. says ... said:


> It’s only been a month. Not much of an adjustment period. You’re going to have to get to know each other.


Agreed - Just trying to make this as painless for the both of us as possible.



C.C. says ... said:


> Of course you were lovey dovey in your other relationship because you loved her. I have to admit I don’t understand marrying someone you don’t love but maybe you can grow to love her. If you find out that you can’t, try to get out while you can still get an annulment.


That's the theory behind the whole thing. Most of the people only talked for 15 minutes before they were married off, and 30+ years later, they are happier than ever.



C.C. says ... said:


> I think it would be like any other situation where you were thrown in with someone you don’t know. You have to learn what makes the other tick and try to find some common ground.


common ground - just isn't all that common.



C.C. says ... said:


> As far as her being condescending, maybe try to understand that this is probably really hard for her too. I know you said pretty much that conversations with her are well, not fun. How could they be? This is a big huge deal for both of you. You’re still basically strangers at this point.


Yet, I still am enjoying conversations more with strangers I owe no duty to, while the one at home isn't exciting me at all.



C.C. says ... said:


> When you said you guys have a great time on the two days a week, did you mean sexually? (Tell me if I’m overstepping). I’m curious about that part. What it’s like. Is it duty sex? Are you trying to have children? Is there any passion at all?


Not sexually. That's been very scarce and mostly because of me. I'm just not in the mood. Definitely feels like duty sex. No children yet. Honestly no, or I just don't have the potential for passion in me anymore. 



C.C. says ... said:


> I think the counselor is a great idea. I’m glad she came around and wants to give it a try. It could only help. Even you being here asking for advice on how to make this work, helps.


Thank you, I really am not here for the 'just give it up' type of advice - even though they hold a lot of value in their perspective; I'm seeking alternatives to that to save the honor of the family and my dignity and all that stuff a lot of people may not cherish.



C.C. says ... said:


> I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive. This situation would be so terrifying to me. Did your parents have this kind of arraigned marriage?


My parents was even more entertaining. They got to talk less, and the shift wasn't state to state - it was old country to new country for mama. But here they are 27 years later (almost), making it work. 

But no need to apologize, if anything, it helps to get these thoughts off my chest and get alternative viewpoints. Thank you.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Perhaps it is best to ask your W what she expects out of a husband and a marriage.


I did prior to and after the marriage. Turns out it's even less passionate and emotional then she expected, though I made it clear I can't afford her that luxury with everything going on at once in my life.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I think maybe you’re expecting too much, too soon. You are still getting to know each other. Love is not instantaneous.
> 
> Maybe you should concentrate on becoming friends first and leave the more emotional heavy stuff to come on it’s own later.
> 
> I work with a lot of patients whose marriages were arranged. Many are extremely successful marriages. Give it the time that others who have been there tell you is needed.


That's actually what I have been telling her. She's admitted patience isn't her strong suit. But at this point, fingers crossed that we end up like the patients with successful marriages you mentioned.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> I did prior to and after the marriage. Turns out it's even less passionate and emotional then she expected, though I made it clear I can't afford her that luxury with everything going on at once in my life.


You will need to grasp the idea that your spouse comes before all and every situation. Passion, emotion and intimacy is not a luxury. Cars, homes and lavish vacations are. Your W is not asking for those that I'm aware of. I understand life has it's many trials and tribulations but when the smoke clears who is standing there with you? Life? No sir. Life spits you out and many could care any less. Take time to make time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Not sexually. That's been very scarce and mostly because of me. I'm just not in the mood. Definitely feels like duty sex. No children yet. Honestly no, or I just don't have the potential for passion in me anymore.


One issue is that when relationships are in the early stages, one of the primary needs is wanting to feel wanted (as in my spouse sexually desires me). Then later on the relationship matures into knowing what you want and then wanting to share that with your spouse (as in my spouse shares his/her sexual desires with me). 

If she is upset about you have to schedule time to make her a priority, to me this seems like she is struggling with wanting to feel wanted. As in making her a priority would happen naturally. 

I would suggest that you alter your schedule as to when you make her a priority and just don't tell her about it. Let it feel like more of a surprise to her when it happens. While the unpredictability of this may be a little bit stressful for her if she asks and you can't tell her when you will have time, you can also take that as an opportunity to let her know that you do enjoy spending time with her when it happens.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You will need to grasp the idea that your spouse comes before all and every situation.


My husband doesn't even get this concept yet, 8 years later!


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> My husband doesn't even get this concept yet, 8 years later!


I did not either for over 20 years. Fortune for me my W persisted and stayed on the course until I final woke the hell up to be a H.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> You will need to grasp the idea that your spouse comes before all and every situation. Passion, emotion and intimacy is not a luxury. Cars, homes and lavish vacations are. Your W is not asking for those that I'm aware of. I understand life has it's many trials and tribulations but when the smoke clears who is standing there with you? Life? No sir. Life spits you out and many could care any less. Take time to make time.


Thank you for the wise words. You aren't wrong. I've just been thinking that if I could get my current engagements in order, then life would be better and more personal for the both of us. But I'll try and see how I can make compromises till the smoke clears.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

badsanta said:


> One issue is that when relationships are in the early stages, one of the primary needs is wanting to feel wanted (as in my spouse sexually desires me). Then later on the relationship matures into knowing what you want and then wanting to share that with your spouse (as in my spouse shares his/her sexual desires with me).
> 
> If she is upset about you have to schedule time to make her a priority, to me this seems like she is struggling with wanting to feel wanted. As in making her a priority would happen naturally.
> 
> I would suggest that you alter your schedule as to when you make her a priority and just don't tell her about it. Let it feel like more of a surprise to her when it happens. While the unpredictability of this may be a little bit stressful for her if she asks and you can't tell her when you will have time, you can also take that as an opportunity to let her know that you do enjoy spending time with her when it happens.


It's been a little difficult trying to make someone feel wanted who I am currently not all that interested in. But I understand what you're saying. I'll attempt to figure out a way to make things more spontaneous and personable. Hopefully the one month anniversary will be a good start. Thank you.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I 100% agree with making her feel wanted/needed. 

As a women, and how I was raised in my religion this is how I feel... I WANT to feel like I’m a blessing to my husband. I want to make him happy, I want to feel like he can’t wait to come home to me. I want to feel like I contribute to making his life happy/better. And the worst feeling in the world, is making him feel the opposite.

So little things like making his breakfast right, or the way he likes it and being complimented really goes a long way. All you need to do, is start giving her some compliments to make her feel good.
“There’s nothing better than starting off the day with a nice breakfast, thank you so much”. “I love the way you cook these ——.” “I’ve been so stressed out, I love that you make our house really feel like a home, a place I want to be”. Etc etc. 

comments like these a free, effortless, and will really go a long way in making her feel happy and wanted and start to build and emotional bond over time.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

..


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I 100% agree with making her feel wanted/needed.
> 
> As a women, and how I was raised in my religion this is how I feel... I WANT to feel like I’m a blessing to my husband. I want to make him happy, I want to feel like he can’t wait to come home to me. I want to feel like I contribute to making his life happy/better. And the worst feeling in the world, is making him feel the opposite.
> 
> ...


Consider it done! Thank you!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Consider it done!


I also want to say that I was married to a surgeon. And there were times when he was in school and residency that he became so busy that I was on the back burner. And at times that got really frustrating for me. I would get anxious and overthink things, and I made things worse for him, because he never really communicated well about it. Although he was the one “doing it”, I was also going through it with him and I needed to support as well. All I needed from time to time was some positivity. Like “I know things are really hard right now, but we will get through this rough patch and things will get better.” Or “thank you for allowing me to focus on my career, and I know I’ve been putting you second, but once this is done... then blah blah blah”.


It also helps if you have something in the future planned so she can look forward to it. Because my everyday was my husband working insane hours and not coming home for dinner and it seemed endless with no end in sight. If you can just plan a little weekend getaway somewhere In a few months or whatever, and remind her that there is something to look forward to it will help her a lot.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I also want to say that I was married to a surgeon. And there were times when he was in school and residency that he became so busy that I was on the back burner. And at times that got really frustrating for me. I would get anxious and overthink things, and I made things worse for him, because he never really communicated well about it. Although he was the one “doing it”, I was also going through it with him and I needed to support as well. All I needed from time to time was some positivity. Like “I know things are really hard right now, but we will get through this rough patch and things will get better.” Or “thank you for allowing me to focus on my career, and I know I’ve been putting you second, but once this is done... then blah blah blah”.
> 
> 
> It also helps if you have something in the future planned so she can look forward to it. Because my everyday was my husband working insane hours and not coming home for dinner and it seemed endless with no end in sight. If you can just plan a little get away weekend somewhere In a few months or whatever, and remind her that there is something to look forward to it will help her a lot.


That never crossed my mind. I may have been selfish in thinking I am in this endeavor alone. I appreciate you putting things into perspective, as I am fairly certain that the situations at least regarding time and studies are not too different than mine. I'll be sure to let her know that I appreciate it. 

Since we got married, it was right to the books. So the plan is to hit a real honeymoon/vacation after the big exam. In the mean time, I will take her to her city since she is feeling a little home sick. Seriously appreciated!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.


Act normal. And when you get ready to introduce your wife to your ex just give your ex a heads up that you use to date. And let that be that. If she asks for how long, tell her. Other than that just tell her it’s in the past and it’s not important. Don’t give her more information than is needed. 


If she asked you if you ever loved her, tell her yes at that time I thought I did love her, but obviously not anymore. 


Less is more. “Doth protest too much”.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Act normal. And when you get ready to introduce your wife to your ex just give your ex a heads up that you use to date. And let that be that. If she asks for how long, tell her. Other than that just tell her it’s in the past and it’s not important. Don’t give her more information than is needed.
> 
> 
> If she asked you if you ever loved her, tell her yes at that time I thought I did love her, but obviously not anymore.
> ...


For a man who doesn’t get anxious, this awkward conversation “shiver me timbers”. But ill stick with what you’re saying. I haven’t done anything wrong or whatever. I just don’t want her to start comparing herself to ex etc. thats never good for morale.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> That never crossed my mind. I may have been selfish in thinking I am in this endeavor alone. I appreciate you putting things into perspective, as I am fairly certain that the situations at least regarding time and studies are not too different than mine. I'll be sure to let her know that I appreciate it.
> 
> Since we got married, it was right to the books. So the plan is to hit a real honeymoon/vacation after the big exam. In the mean time, I will take her to her city since she is feeling a little home sick. Seriously appreciated!


And one more thing... it’s ok to know that things aren’t going good. For my ex and I, it’s obvious things weren’t going good because his main focus was on school and that’s ok. But it’s not good to pretend it’s going fine, because she’s going to feel crazy like how in the world does he think this is fine? When she is feeling sad and lonely. 

So remind her, that this is not normal, this is temporary. And it’s ok to be like yea things suck right now, and it’s because of school.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> For a man who doesn’t get anxious, this awkward conversation “shiver me timbers”. But ill stick with what you’re saying. I haven’t done anything wrong or whatever. I just don’t want her to start comparing herself to ex etc. thats never good for morale.


She will compare. That’s what we do. But don’t make her feel second best. Don’t stare at your ex, don’t be caught talking to her alone. Make sure to tell your wife she is the most beautiful girl in the room etc.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> She will compare. That’s what we do. But don’t make her feel second best. Don’t stare at your ex, don’t be caught talking to her alone. Make sure to tell your wife she is the most beautiful girl in the room etc.


Just come with us as a 3rd wheel so you can save my butt. It's only one day, I'm sure I'll be able to move along in public hand in hand with the wife.It isn't going to be easy since the tension exists. But considering it's a long drive to the venue, I'll have time to thank her for the support and putting up with the temporary state of conditions along with being the most beautiful person there!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your parents had their lives to live as they wished and they don't get to have your life too. Get annulled and live your own life. You may only have one. Don't let someone else tell you how to live it. I'm sure your wife would be really relieved.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think you are wise to ask for help, but also feeling pressure to do things 'perfectly'--an impossibility. Things are not what you thought they would be. Women need to feel connection, intimacy--not likely at this point in the relationship. You are feeling performance pressure. Reputation, relationship, success are all possibly at risk. You need to feel appreciation.

You have been given great ideas here. Make eye contact when you talk to her. Smile at her. Do not do something else when she is your focus. Try to enjoy this time in your life so that in many years y'all will talk about it OR you will know you tried your best. Y'all might want to talk more about the expectations of each (regularly) and not worry so much about the expectations of others.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> They all say the same thing: Over time you learn to love the person. That is all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've found that choosing to love, that is a verb, leads your heart.

I don't take marriage lightly and regardless, you have wife no matter the situation.

Love her, verb. Learn to love her well and help her learn to love you, verb as in action.

My wife is like night to my day when it comes to logic and reason.

She is somewhat scatter brained to my linear logic and she is incredibly sweet and generous.

We still love each other with everything we have, verb as in action, and we are into our 30th year together with two sons and three grandchildren.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.


Be open with her. Let her into your life and help her invite you into hers.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Doug Dimmadome , 

I have a kind of odd suggestion. I notice you said you were more logical and rational type, and she is more scattered and intimate, so I'm thinking maybe you just have different personality types. For me, it made a HUGE difference to understand that two people can have utterly different personality types naturally, and yet make the effort to know and love their own and their spouse's!

Here is the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test: Free personality test | 16Personalities ... and here is where you can learn about your personality and hers: Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship and career advice | 16Personalities I strongly suggest that you two take both take the test (it's fairly short...less than 5 minutes I'd say), and then share with each other your own results. THEN, go to the second link and learn about what your own personality means and what your spouse's personality means--and likewise for your wife! 

As an example, I am an INFP, which means Introverted, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver...but I have almost 50/50 on the Introvert/Extrovert, strong Intuitive, about 60/40 Feeler/Thinker, and almost 50/50 on Perceiver/Judger. Thus, from my own test I know that I "get" Thinkers, but I'm not one naturally, and I might like my mirror opposite Extrovert, but they would tire me out internally. When you read the second link, you'll know what all this means! But the point is to know YOURSELF and share that with your wife (and have terminology that is shared so that you both know what the other means), and likewise to ask her about HERSELF and want to have her share with you in the share terminology you both understand.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

*Affaircare reply + 1 
Me Intj the mastermind; wife isfj the defender; she is like a firecracker in my hand just waiting to go off & I love her.


also:*


book: His Needs, Her Needs; Read/listen to it together








His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts: Harley, Willard F. Jr.: 9780800737719: Amazon.com: Books


His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts [Harley, Willard F. Jr.] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts



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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.


Well, when you go to the wedding, make sure your wife feels included and has a good time first and foremost. You can certainly introduce your ex as a friend if you feel the need to, but be sure to tell your wife the truth after. But make sure your wife is the center of your attention.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Also it is very likely that I will run into said past-love tomorrow at a mutual friends wedding. My spouse does not know anyone there, but I am sure I will have to meet everyone. Any advice on how to handle this or to not say anything at all? Me and the ex mutually ended it and she is not the type to cause drama, so I figured I would just stay quiet and introduce her as a friend to my wife, but at this point I might as well ask for advice. I am obliged.


Do not blindsided your wife with your ex. Make sure she knows exactly who it is. You keeping it from her will cause huge problems when your wife finds out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Howdy,
> 
> New to this. But next week is my (25M) 1 month anniversary with someone (24F) who was arranged for me (both of us consented amongst the pressure to). Of course I already set up reservations, flowers, etc. for the day, but it feels more of a duty than anything else.
> W gave up everything in a foreign state (friends, home, family, etc.) to move in with me while I study for the most important exam in my life early next year. I genuinely sympathize with the shift in her life after a week of talking to me turns into living with me, while leaving it all behind. I am doing everything possible to accommodate her (emptied big closet for her stuff, emptied cabinets and drawers in the bathroom for her stuff, set up work and makeup desks, give her full choice over the arrangement of the house, set her up with a gym membership, etc.).
> ...


There are probably not a lot of people on this forum who have the experience to give you good advice about getting used to the arrangement. For a lot of us this seems like an impossible situation. Maybe there is a forum on Reddit or something that can give you advice from experience.

Speaking as a guy and a husband I feel what I can say is first and foremost try to empathize with her, and talk to her with that in mind. Always be decent and kind to her. Figure out what it is you like about her and lean into that.

What I can also say is arrange marriage or not, everything you just wrote is going to make for a hard marriage. First of all why would you ever marry someone you are not physically attracted to? That is going to be hard. Do you at least think there is a potential to be? Like maybe it's her style or something?

Beside that most women are not looking to marry a stoic man who dismisses her emotions. Who tells them to get to the point, and get irritated with them for them wanting some excitement and to feel appreciated. And who chose to keep their work and career totally apart them them, in the sense that they don't hear and feel they can contribute to that success in some way. But this, you can work on.

Understand your wife is not your Mom, or your Buddy, or your Accountant. She is your wife, she should be the most honored person in your life because she gave you hers. Yes it's that deep and it's that serious. GET THAT. Start there. 

You have a responsibility to her as her husband and the primary man in her life. You need to fulfill that role in her life, busy or not. She wants a good life just like you do. That is what you were promising when you married her. And you know what, you're missing the boat. It's actually fun when you try to do that and are successful at that. It has just if not more potential for reward if you succeed in it. Now I don't know what that is for you two, that is something you need to figure out, but FIND IT, have fun finding it. Part of YOUR JOB is to turn her on, her LIFE on. She will love and desire you for it. 

I always compare it to learning to play an instrument, for a long time especially in the beginning it can be hard work, but slowly but surly it become more and more rewarding, and it should get easier with time if you treat it with the respect it deserves.

When your wife talks to you about something for a long time its because the purpose of her talking to you is to share with you who she is, NOT to get to the point. Don't get frustrated understand she is sharing with you. Maybe you are a nerd or a scientist and you like to share an interesting discovery, that is just what she is doing but emotionally. Look man, I am a guy like you. I can only talk for so long, but I try to have fun with it. After years or reading, boards books, talking to women in my life, I have learned to appreciate that this is lots of women's way of connecting. They are the same yet different, and that is what makes them so interesting and great.

Also, assuming she left everything and everyone to be with you then you probably are her only outlet right now. Listen and pay attention to what she is saying (which you say your good at so you have a head start) . Figure it out, you're smart, studying for the Bar or something. Emotional intelligence is like any other kind, you read, you study, you learn, you apply.

That also means just because someone doesn't think or emote like you do, that it's wrong, or unreasonable. Again this is one of these things were you can both acknowledge, talk about, learn from each other and grow to appreciate about the other person. For instance maybe your wife is much better at emotional cues, well she may be a good ally in your life, someone you can help you negotiate situations that might be difficult for you. There are things she will come to you for help with too, if she trusts you and you show her this is how you want your relationship to work. Now you are building a partnership. This is what wives want. They want to be invested and they want you to invest in them. You have the chance to be the leader in this interaction that's a privilege.

Start looking at your wife like a resource, but not a servant, the difference is you ask, you don't expect. You are aware that in everything she is doing she is giving, and you appreciate it. You be the same. You thank her and make her a part of all your successes, and you make it a priority to help her succeed too.

Start with this test and school and all the things you are busy with. That can be both of your mission, see if she can help you, talk to her about your struggles, frustrations whatever. If you have to figure a way to make her understand, do so, and don't get frustrated about it, be happy someone is there willing to go through that with you. This can be the first part of your adventure together.

That is how you do marriage in my mind.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@sokillme has a lot of good points. When your wife tells you things from her life, she is most likely sharing. Sharing her thoughts, excitements, fears, all ranges of emotions. Doesn’t mean she needs you to find solutions to whatever is happening or overanalyze it. She is simply trying to engage you in her life. When she stops doing it, then your marriage is in trouble.

talk to her about the big exam, how it takes all your time, focus and energy for now. But even with the focus on exam, you can do/show small things for her: tell her she looks nice, thank her for dinner, touch her affectionately now and then, bring a single flower once in a while, etc.

Frankly, if people in regular, non-arranged marriages put as much thought and planning into their relationship as you do here, many marriages would be much happier.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

For anyone seeking an update:

I have tried to follow much of the advice given the last couple of days, but things only got worse. We attended the friend's wedding and because the families were conservative in political beliefs; she trash talked them the whole time, even though everyone was nothing but sweet and welcoming.

The first remark upon entering the church, "We should sit with the people of color" really made me sad since this is a good friends big day. Even then, a great couple stayed by us all evening to make her feel comfortable since she doesn't know anyone, and she tells me straight to my face that she hates them; even though they literally saved us seats at the reception, talked to her all night, gave her recommendations etc.

Aside from that, I have not any chances to talk the last three days since she goes on and on and did nothing but criticize and flex her moral and classy superiority compared to the rest of Southerners.

Last night was the one month anniversary and I took her to a nice restaurant even though this all seems like a duty to me. I didn't swerl my wine glass before taking a sip and listened to criticism for an uninterrupted (aside from water refill) hour. Aside from criticism, my lack of emotions were mentioned along with not recognizing her value, and how she's struggled so hard to get where she is at etc. Oh and that I'm bad at listening, even though that is all I do. After much thought and a talk with a family lawyer I drew up an affidavit to dissolve the common law marriage. As I had decided that I can't do this much longer.

Then we had counseling and I felt bad because the Dr criticized her the entire time for over talking, not paying attention to me or the Dr, and criticising and controlling me even though it isn't appropriate.

And I was criticized by the Dr for not trying more which didn't seem as serious once she recognized I don't get the chance to.So after all of that, I'm giving this one more week to see if things get better but if not then may we go out separate ways and be happy individually.

Sorry for the rant, but I figured I'd give an update considering so many people were nice enough to offer their views on the issue.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope everything works out well for you.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Wowww she sounds like an absolute joy to be around. A real breath of fresh air.  

You poor thing. ((( hugs )))


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I hope everything works out well for you.


I appreciate the support. Thank you.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

C.C. says ... said:


> Wowww she sounds like an absolute joy to be around. A real breath of fresh air.
> 
> You poor thing. ((( hugs )))


lol. If i learned anything from this experience, it was that i took the past relationship that was great to me for granted. Not going to make that mistake again. Thank you for the support though. I felt alone in this endeavor.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It really seems that dissolution of this marriage would be best choice. There is too much misery here. You two don’t seem like a good matchz
good luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> It really seems that dissolution of this marriage would be best choice. There is too much misery here. You two don’t seem like a good matchz
> good luck with whatever you decide to do.


Unfortunately that is likely the end result. But I'll still try this week if I genuinely feel like I'm able to. Regardless, thank you for helping me as well. I appreciate it a lot. As the Dr noted; I have a very jolly strong and outgoing personality but this marriage has turned me stale, serious and sad. I can't do that forever.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Doug Dimmadome said:


> Very much so.


it sounds like you left your home country, and all the family support mechanism you had there, and allowed your families from afar to arrange this marriage for you. and you went along since it is not all that unusual back home to do this.

But there is no support here in the new country for such things. The average person you discuss this with is going to shake their head and say "arranged.....marriage? What is that?"

So how does it work back in your home country. what things are there there, that there are not here in the new country? Are you maybe expecting too much...more like a loving western marriage? can you just cope with it for a few years, you doing the things a man normally provides in an arranged marriage, and she doing the things a woman normally provides in an arranged marriage? just set up a daily/weekly schedule of events you do separately, and things you do together. Maybe pattern it on how your mom and dad acted as you were growing up.

i hear that some of these arranged marriages do grow into a somewhat loving arrangement. but you have to give it some time, follow the "plan", and try to make it work.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> it sounds like you left your home country, and all the family support mechanism you had there, and allowed your families from afar to arrange this marriage for you. and you went along since it is not all that unusual back home to do this.
> 
> But there is no support here in the new country for such things. The average person you discuss this with is going to shake their head and say "arranged.....marriage? What is that?"
> 
> ...


I don't know, in their case it doesn't look likely they will grow to love each other. It looks like she is very negative person, and that's not a good start.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Culture schmulture. Get an annulment. I work with an Indian guy who is about 45 yrs old and still a bachelor. Guess what? He is happy, and his family still speaks to him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Doug Dimmadome,

I do think it is possible for arranged marriages to "work out" when both parties treat each other with courtesy, with kindness, with patience, and with respect. I think it's conceivable that one party could realize that the other is immature and make the choice to give the immature one time to learn and grow, but that is grace to offer that time. 

In your specific instance, it doesn't sound to me as if she is very willing to treat you or anyone else with even basic human civility, much less being loving! Love is an action, not a feeling, but in order for it to grow (arranged marriage or no), both people do need to ACT in a loving way toward the other. 

In a way, I'm sad for her because she is going to experience the sorrow of losing a marriage because she won't look in the mirror and realize she needs to make some changes to herself. She's so busy criticizing others that she never stops to look at her own contribution. And I know you are not perfect or anything, and we are only hearing your side of the story, but I do feel sad that she's stuck "where she is" and refuses to become a beautiful person. 

Thank you for the update. I am sorry it is coming to this.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Maybe she is unaware of her negative attitude and just needs to be put in her place. 

I can get on my high horse sometimes and without realizing it go on and on. It helps when the person I’m with brings me back down to reality and points out what I’m doing. Have you tried telling her that she comes across and judgmental, and miserable and you don’t want to be around her when she’s like that?


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

First of all I would like to thank everyone for being sympathetic not only towards me, but in some instances towards her.
At this point I tried to talk to her for 2 days and she avoided me. Found the drafted paperwork, and I woke up with a note written on the back of the pages by her and my parents disowning me and telling me to leave as I have dishonored the family to an extreme extent which will forever not be forgiven.
I understand that they are all speaking from a shock of emotions and they all think this was a scheme of mine, as voiced by the note and counselor that's been helping us. 
Fortunately the second I found out, all of my friends offered hospitality so I'm grateful. I packed everything and left and while I will figure everything out in the long run, I already feel relieved. I hadn't eaten the last 3 days from the stress but I feel at peace. 

Speaking with the Dr also helped, she understood my circumstances and really empathized me with and supports my decision. And is just trying to figure out how to explain everything to the opposing side since they aren't understanding why I did what I did.

Regardless, I want to thank everyone for helping me solve and/or get out of a rut. 

I will be seeking help with my next relationship so it turns out successful and joyful!


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