# Email from Ex....help me understand, please!



## Vin (Sep 15, 2012)

This is my first ever post...a little background info. I have been married for 7 years....3 kids. I have never stepped out of my marriage whether it be for a physical or emotional affair...I have no intentions of doing it. 

I have an ex that I dated from 1995-1997....the relationship ended on good terms. We went a couple of years without much communiction and then developed a very good friendship from 2000-2002....it was always difficult to explain our friendship and connection to others a they always assumed we were both either interested in dating one another or a friends with benefits type of deal. There is a lot of chemistry but we ultimately decided on friends. Once we both met our current spouses, we thought it best to put our friendship on the backburner and focus on our relationships....we both felt our spouses would be threatened by our connection and not understand how we went from dating to just friends. Okay now for the latest....fast forward a few years, I start to get emails on congrats for my children, awards at work (I work with some of her family), just checking in and so on.....last week, I receive the following...

Her email to me: Okay....
You need to do me a favor.
1. Do not reply to this email and immediately erase this because I mean no disrespect to Jennifer (or Jim).
2. Rest assure that I am NOT having a mid-life crisis.

The proper thing to do would be to have coffee with you and have a face-to-face discussion. *We both know that is next to impossible. *Maybe someday. *In the meantime.....

I want you to know just how important you are to me. *You were in my life briefly (relatively), but your love and kindness has endured time because it has stayed with me. *I have a unique connection with you that only we understand. *Our lives have taken different paths, but you will always be in my prayers and my dreams (literally). *I needed to tell you this before I die (which is hopefully in about 50 years..ha,ha). *I don't know if you are a believer, but it sure sounds like God's healing hand has been placed on your father. *I believe everything happens for a reason. *God has a plan. *Many circumstances are unknown to us, but part of a bigger picture. *
I will see you on the other side.....and I will be with you. *

I promise I am okay. *I just had to say it.
Erase, please.
_____________________________________________________
What are the thoughts of the board? Is she just getting some emotion off her chest? Trying to rekindle a friendship? Looking for more than a friendship. I do not want to open up a can of works and have not responded. Thanks in advance for any opions!


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

It's obvious to me that your ex still has strong feelings for you. She never "got over" the ending of your "friendship" which was probably ALOT more emotional to her than it was to you. So, IMHO either things are not going well at home with her spouse or, like I said above, she just never got over you. This situation is interesting since your "friendship" ended almost 10 years ago and this is still going on. Yeah, she has the hots for you. You must decide what you are going to do about it. Since you are married, this is a no brainer. I would probably erase the email like she asked and not mention it to her again. If it keeps happening, then you will need to tell your wife and then decide what you are going to do.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I believe you should show your wife and tell this friend that you showed your wife "because there are no secrets in a marriage." You can go on to tell her you appreciate her friendship as well... but what's most important is keeping your boundaries intact to protect your marriage. ANY secret with another woman is a bad idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JayFOxx (Sep 15, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> I believe you should show your wife and tell this friend that you showed your wife "because there are no secrets in a marriage." You can go on to tell her you appreciate her friendship as well... but what's most important is keeping your boundaries intact to protect your marriage. ANY secret with another woman is a bad idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


exactly right there.... show your wife ... she is a woman, i'm sure she can understand better than you do...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> I believe you should show your wife and tell this friend that you showed your wife "because there are no secrets in a marriage." You can go on to tell her you appreciate her friendship as well... but what's most important is keeping your boundaries intact to protect your marriage. ANY secret with another woman is a bad idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Do this!!!


She just sent you a no contact letter. As for why she did it, who knows better than you . Maybe she finally admitted to herself she feels more for you than a friend and can't have those feelings and her marriage. Search this site to see what a NC letter is used for.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

That's a weird email. Sounds almost like she's dying or something. Midlife crisis? Nervous breakdown? Relationship problems? 

Who knows? But yeah, show your wife.


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## Vin (Sep 15, 2012)

Thanks for all of the replies! It did not seem like a no contact letter....I cut out the first paragraph of the email as it contained names and some personal info...basically, if you read the first paragraph, you would have had no idea the second paragraph was coming. I took the email as do not reply and try to validate or explain my feelings. I was most confused about the "I will see you on the other side.....and I will be with you". I was also thinking that was her way of saying she thought we were soul mates but cannot be together in this life (God's will). Thanks again for the opinions...I appreciate it.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Show your wife then delete it and move on.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

VIN - As others have said let your wife see the mail, let her see how its clearly made you somewhat upset that (a) it was sent (b) that its using terms and phrases you are very uncomfortable with and (c) you want here to see it BEFORE you delete it as your going to reply and that reply will need to be a distancing email. Seems your friend is reading your historic relationship as if it were present time. That could be a dangerous issue. It may be that her partner sent it to test the water and gauge your response (does he think shes cheating with you in some way?) That may seem somewhat out there as a concept but you dont actuacually know 100% who pressed the send key. And by your response in the post you find the langauage "different". 

be open, tell your wife and tell her that its time you closed down the communication as your likely to be dragged in to something which you feel is harmless but turns out dangerous.
(be your wife will react with a little caution and think about defensive actions)


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Completely agree with the people saying you should show it to your wife. You should do so _immediately_, in my opinion. 

She says she means 'no disrespect' to your wife or her husband, but that's exactly what she has done - disrespected them both. I'd wager than her own husband has absolutely no idea she sent you it.

Whether you want to cease contact with her is up to you to decide, but I think it's very important your wife knows about this situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Liam said:


> Completely agree with the people saying you should show it to your wife. You should do so _immediately_, in my opinion.
> 
> She says she means 'no disrespect' to your wife or her husband, but that's exactly what she has done - disrespected them both. I'd wager than her own husband has absolutely no idea she sent you it.
> 
> Whether you want to cease contact with her is up to you to decide, but I think it's very important your wife knows about this situation.


I do not think there was any disrespect. Though the content of the email is worrying.

Is she dying? Considering taking her own life?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Show your wife. Delete it and move on. Block the source of the message.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree you should show your wife but I'm don't think you need to tell your ex you did so. I don't know that anything would be gained by that.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You work with some of her family. Why dont you ask them if things are okay with her? Then let it go if it is.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For whatever reason, she's feeling on the outs with "Jim" and began fantasizing about you again. I'd delete it, forget it, and drive on. If you walk into this mess, she'll more than likely make up with her husband. You'll be on the out and in all likelihood, ratted out to her husband (maybe your wife, too). I doubt there are many men who haven't at some point, gotten a letter, an email, or a phone call from an ex, who had temporary second thoughts.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

1. Do not reply to this email and immediately erase this because I mean no disrespect to Jennifer (or Jim).
2. Rest assure that I am NOT having a mid-life crisis.

I assume this is pretty much word for word from her email. She's not dying. She's depressed and on the outs with her husband (or feeling so). Notice in line 1. She means no disrespect for your wife (or Jim). Jim is an afterthought. She doesn't feel particularly loyal to him or particularly guilty about talking to you.

Notice in line 2. "Rest assured I am not having a mid-life crisis." A very key sign of deception is when someone denies an accusation that nobody has yet made. It's possible that she's been recently accused of having some sort of midlife crisis or mental instability or that she questions her own. Notice she overtly flirts about seeing you in her dreams and then immediately covers with the religious stuff. She closes "I promise I am ok". She's not ok. Unhappy with her husband (at least at that moment) and maybe depressed. Does she also drink?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Show your wife the email. Don't reply. Leave it alone. She's trying to up the ante on your relationship either because her life is not what she wants or because she is in some form of crisis or other. This is not your burden to share as she is not your wife. It crosses the lines of propriety to pull you into her intimate psychological drama. I think she is just fishing for more attention from you. She's making a move on you. Don't give in it to her. Use this opportunity to leave this woman in the friend zone and bond with your wife by showing her the email. Don't fall for the ploy and start taking care of her emotional needs. You do not need to be her savior or Knight and doing do would be at the expense of your wife's well-being. 

This friendship has become toxic to the growth and development of your marriage with the introduction of these inappropriate feelings; you should end it.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I'd be highly concerned that something dramatic is going on in her head. She's saying goodbyes, getting those last words said. 

She didn't say "I want you but can't have you". She said "You have meant the world to me, goodbye." 

Depressed people who decide to take their lives suddenly find peace and prepare for, and often go to considerable pains to make things right with others. 

Or, it could be that a close friend, relative, family member, or whomever is going through such a thing, or has died, or is dying. 

You can respect her wishes.. Or you can pry. That's up to you and you alone.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

If she's not dying, she's upping the romantic drama of it all hoping that you'll reveal how you feel about her. She wants to feed her ego because she's lonely, unhappy, desperate, etc.

Personally, I think she's fishing for an affair and she's hoping you'd be open it. 

I think that email is highly disrespectful and she knows it. You'd have to be a fool not to know it. How would she feel if she was happily married and a woman sent an email like that to her husband? This woman has poor boundaries.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I agree you should show your wife but I'm don't think you need to tell your ex you did so. I don't know that anything would be gained by that.


The purpose of telling the ex is to let her know he will not partake in any sort of secret relationship. It's also another step in showing his wife that he has proper boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sounds like Jim found out.

Does your wife know you received previous messages from her? Does she know your past history with her?


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