# My wife says she loves me but isnt in love with me and doesnt want to try to save our marriage.



## Vamistle (4 mo ago)

My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 and 3. She told me 2 weeks ago what i put in the title and has since told me she doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiety and am very shy and introverted. My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) and i am the stay at home and that's the situation we both chose. Sadly i left all the grocery trips and taking kids to appointments to her due to my issues and it took its toll on her. I completely understand i screwed up and own up to that.
I have been trying to fix our relationship and i feel like im going nowhere. I want to atleast try to fix it for the kids and the fact that i truly still love my wife. I just don't know how to get through to her. I feel lost. I feel as though no matter what i do, i've lost her for good and that just destroys me. Thoughts? Advice? Please.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

99.99% chance there is someone else that she will be leaving you for very shortly, probably within a few weeks if not even days.

Your first step needs to be that you believe her when she says she no loves you or wants to be married to you.

So your second step is to see a lawyer asap and start working on protecting your assets and access to your children.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

What have you done to address your anxiety issues. I can definitely see a women who is the sole bread winner but still having to take the kids to everything and do all the shopping etc. being a situation that builds a huge amount of resentment. The best advice I can give is stop talking, start acting. Don't go around nipping at her ankles trying to win her back. Be a stronger man through actions, set aside the anxiety and get the stuff done that needs to be done. Maybe if she sees you acting like like the man she wants she will see a chance to fix things. 

No real world problem gets fixed by talking about the problem, you fix it by taking the actions necessary.


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## Vamistle (4 mo ago)

I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


You need to start looking for a lawyer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you have a 20 year history of staying in the house and leaving everything up to her, I don’t think there is anything short of transforming into a completely different person that is large and in charge that will save the marriage.

I think your best use of time and energy is to get a good lawyer that help you get a fair settlement and access to the children.

Maybe you can get enough spousal support to be able to obtain some therapy for your issues so that you’ll be able to obtain employment to be able to survive on your own.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My guess is your wife will have to pay you alimony/spousal support. I don't understand why you didn't address your anxiety with a professional health care provider years ago. I also don't understand why your wife let you sit around doing basically nothing for all those years.

You need legal representation. Your county probably has a list of attorneys who will render some services for free. Your wife cannot simply kick you out of the house.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You’re in a very bad situation, and unfortunately your odds of turning it around are low. 
The following will be difficult to hear, but I hope you will receive it and onboard this info because it is the reality that you need to accept if you are to move forward.

Your wife is not in love with you because she does not respect you. She doesn’t respect you as a husband or a man. And as such, she is not attracted to you and cannot feel in love with with you.

She doesn’t respect you because you’re not bringing value as a man. 
Women respect strength, competence, confidence and leadership in men.
And they are viscerally turned off by passive, timid or weak men. They are turned off by men who are not bringing masculine value and leadership in the marriage / family.
Women despise being in relationships with men they see as less dominant, competent or weaker than them.

it doesn’t matter that she agreed to be the sole breadwinner and you to be a SAHD (and apparently not even doing that very well if she still has to handle appointments) - she still lost her respect for you as a husband and a man. And once that’s gone it’s very difficult to get back. It’s possible, and many men have done it, but it’s difficult and it involves you becoming a stronger, more valuable man. 

I know that the SAHD scenario works for some couples, but not for most. 
And if you’re going down that path of turning the income and financial leadership over to your wife, you better be an absolute badass in other areas and still make sure that you’re providing leadership in the relationship overall. And that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

It’s also highly plausible that there’s another man in the picture.
The line that you titled your post with is almost a cliché for “there’s another man that I’ve started sleeping with, or I’m about to.”

Whether you can save this marriage or not, are you willing and ready to start working on yourself as a man, so that you’ll be in a better position for yourself and four your next relationship? 
Because the actions are largely the same, largely on you, and need to be for you, not just for her.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Lawyer up ASAP. I'd also do some digging. The "I love you but i'm not in love with you" speech is often a tell for infidelity.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I second this ^^. Unfortunately for you she means she has found someone else and is through with you. A couple of things:

1. Man up. It's one of the reasons you're being ditched - even though it was an agreement for you to be a SAHD, it's not very attractive in most women's eyes. 

2. Man up. Go to therapy, get some help with your problems. It's not very attractive to a woman when a man can't get his shyt together.

3. Man up. She not only is the breadwinner, but now she has to handle other chores because of your inability to help yourself?? Very unattractive for a woman to view her "man" wallowing in self pity.

4. Man up. Stop your begging her back, it's like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire in that she will lose any little respect she has left for you.

5. Learn from this. Women find strength and confidence attractive and you are sorely lacking in both, but it's something you can work on.

6. If she is cheating on you then shame on her for not being up front with her feelings. Go speak with a lawyer and take care of yourself so you can be strong for your kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.



Nope, you are entitled to 50% of everything. See an attorney.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


Unless you stop being a victim and start controlling you you’ll get nowhere.
There is no magic fix to your situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me flip this around as an analogy to show you what kind of situation you are in.

The assumption here is that she has found someone else that will help support her and the kids and will do things outside of the house.

This is analogous to a man that married an obese woman that sat around all day scarfing down bags of Oreos and peanut butter cups and stopped showering and washing her hair and brushing her teeth etc and completely ballooned up to 400lbs and lays around watching TV all day in a pit-stained, stinking housecoat all the time.

Then that guy meets a fit and pretty woman that takes care of herself and is hot and sexy. 

So what can the 400 lb, unkempt, smelly woman that does nothing but eat Oreos and watch TV do that would stop him from leaving her for the hot, skinny chick???

Other than transforming into a woman that is hotter and skinnier and sexier than the other woman - nothing. 

That is the situation you are in as a man that doesn’t work and is afraid to leave the house and any woman will view that as a man would view a smelly, 400lb woman. 

So IMHO, any time or energy you spent trying to change her mind or save the marriage will be wasted. 

That time and energy needs to be spent protecting you property and asset division rights and access to your kids. That needs to be your first priority.

Your next priority then needs to be getting help and therapy to fix yourself and become a functional and self supporting person.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


You are entitled to 50% of your marital assets. That means property, savings, investments, vehicles, furniture, lawn gnomes etc. And likely alimony as well. 
And she doesn’t have the power or authority to kick you out of your home anyway. Not that it necessarily matters for a divorce settlement, but aren’t you listed on the house title / mortgage?
You need to secure a lawyer right now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you ever worked?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


Go get a job. Workers are in such short supply companies are hiring people with zero experience and training them. Having an income won't help you from a divorce settlement point but you're going to need one so better start now when the jobs are plentiful..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Women rarely change their mind once they’ve decided to move on. Now it’s time to work on you — not for her but for yourself — so you can prepare for the next step.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree that she likely has been talking with another guy, not necessarily that she’s in an affair (yet). But as you say OP, she may also be exhausted of feeling like you’re not doing enough. And haven’t done enough. 

I hope you can find a decent lawyer to help you navigate the divorce process. And I agree with others to get some good counseling. I’m sorry your marriage is ending, but maybe you’ve learned some lessons here, and how to become stronger for yourself, because you’ll need to be when you’re on your own.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


Boy is she in for a rude awakening. Thats not how it works. Educate yourself and obtain an attorney that specializes in divorce. You will receive 50% of all tangible assets, spousal support and child support as you are the primary care provider. Believe it or not because of your situation you hold the cards depending upon the state you live in. Seems unfair but it is what it is. The court will likely tell you to seek employment and reduce her payments. Irregardless she is likely to get screwed financially unless you agree to something really stupid.

Another thing stop with the this is all my fault crap. You want to paint the picture that you and her agreed you would be the stay at home dad and look after the children as the primary care giver. You were excellent at that but after 20 years she wants you out to persue a relationship with her new boyfriend (the I love you but not in love with you makes this likely). Play that card and you will do well. BTW it happens all the time but usually genders are reversed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SongoftheSouth said:


> *Boy is she in for a rude awakening.* Thats not how it works. Educate yourself and obtain an attorney that specializes in divorce. You will receive 50% of all tangible assets, spousal support and child support as you are the primary care provider. Believe it or not because of your situation you hold the cards depending upon the state you live in. Seems unfair but it is what it is. The court will likely tell you to seek employment and reduce her payments. Irregardless she is likely to get screwed financially unless you agree to something really stupid.


Probably not. OP has been a doormat extraordinaire for so long with his wife in charge of everything. His way out of this is to do a better job with the dishes and the laundry. He will continue to just do as she says.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Vamistle said:


> My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 and 3. She told me 2 weeks ago what i put in the title and has since told me she doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiety and am very shy and introverted. *My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) and i am the stay at home and that's the situation we both chose. Sadly i left all the grocery trips and taking kids to appointments to her due to my issues and it took its toll on her. I completely understand i screwed up and own up to that.*
> I have been trying to fix our relationship and i feel like im going nowhere. I want to atleast try to fix it for the kids and the fact that i truly still love my wife. I just don't know how to get through to her. I feel lost. I feel as though no matter what i do, i've lost her for good and that just destroys me. Thoughts? Advice? Please.


Marriage should be a shared relationship. It sounds like shes gotten tired of carrying the load. 
It really doesn’t matter what you want now. Nor does it matter that you love her.
You set back and let her shoulder most of the burden. Why would anyone want to stay in such a relationship? 
im sorry but you are reaping what you’ve sown.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Marriage should be a shared relationship. It sounds like shes gotten tired of carrying the load.
> It really doesn’t matter what you want now. Nor does it matter that you love her.
> You set back and let her shoulder most of the burden. Why would anyone want to stay in such a relationship?
> im sorry but you are reaping what you’ve sown.


Sad truth is once a woman loses respect for a man it never comes back. That is what has happened here


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Oh boy.

The old, "ILYBINILWY" speech.

A famous cheater speech.

*



I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband

Click to expand...

*You should be doing that for YOURSELF *anyway*. Jeez, do you really want to live in the shadows for the rest of your life, afraid of everything and everyone?

You need a lawyer but you need to be *realistic*. Regardless of what your wife may or may not be doing (and I'm now beginning to believe it's not so much cheating as it is she just wants out), surely you don't expect her to support you for the rest of your life, do you?

You seriously need to find a way to fix yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Numb26 said:



Sad truth is once a woman loses respect for a man it never comes back. That is what has happened here

Click to expand...

*TRUTH.

To his wife, the OP is just the oldest child who is also dependent on her. He's old enough to stay at home with the other kids and do the chores, but he doesn't contribute financially and doesn't drive, so the OP literally has to do *everything* but chew his food for him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Vamistle said:


> If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


See an attorney ASAP. Just because she says something doesn't make it so. I wouldn't be surprised if she will need to pay you spousal support for years and that you actually own 1/2 of the marital assets. She is going to have to pay child support as well. As the only breadwinner, she is in the same position as a man usually is divorcing a SAHM.

So hear what she told you. That is the truth and nothing you can do about that. The marriage is over and unsalvageable. Sorry for you, but you have to see things as they are, not as you wish they were. She likely already has at least one "work spouse" at the medical facility where she works. That field is notorious for infidelity.

Protect your legal rights, don't sign ANY paperwork she pushes your way without advice of your attorney. Do what the attorney tells you to do.

Do NOT move out of your home no matter what she tells you..


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OP, where art thou?
Are you receiving the information being sent your way?
Process it, but process quickly and start taking action for yourself. She’s way ahead of you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> What have you done to address your anxiety issues. I can definitely see a women who is the sole bread winner but still having to take the kids to everything and do all the shopping etc. being a situation that builds a huge amount of resentment. The best advice I can give is stop talking, start acting. Don't go around nipping at her ankles trying to win her back. Be a stronger man through actions, set aside the anxiety and get the stuff done that needs to be done. Maybe if she sees you acting like like the man she wants she will see a chance to fix things.
> 
> No real world problem gets fixed by talking about the problem, you fix it by taking the actions necessary.


I agree with this, but be warned that when someone falls out of love, they're usually totally done. Also, I have to wonder... you have anxiety so severe that you can't do everyday things like get groceries or take the kids to appointments, but you found your wife, dated her, and got married. How did you manage to do that?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


My advice:
Give her a fair divorce, get a job, move on.
Once you get the ILYBINILWY speech, no way to save things even if you became a perfect, incredibly handsome, super athletic, millionaire. I’m sorry. 

She is not at fault here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> My advice:
> Give her a fair divorce, get a job, move on.
> Once you get the ILYBINILWY speech, no way to save things even if you became a perfect, incredibly handsome, super athletic, millionaire. I’m sorry.
> 
> She is not at fault here.


He is going to be the one that needs to fight for the fair divorce here. 

If she skates, he’ll be the one living in a cardboard box under a bridge.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> He is going to be the one that needs to fight for the fair divorce here.
> 
> If she skates, he’ll be the one living in a cardboard box under a bridge.


I said fair, not let her skate. Although she should. She’s been pulling the whole weight for years. Poor woman needs a break. Damn.

I’m unaffected by stories of anxiety and such. He’s suddenly fixed a lot. 
There’s nothing fair about the relationship in the past. She’s done all the work. No reason someone should be squealing fair in the divorce now. (Not that OP has).


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There likely is a third party... but regardless your tasks are the same going forward.

One big task to take on is what you think led to this.... if you think your anxiety caused the end of your marriage, you need to do something about your anxiety... for yourself...

You can't force someone to stay married to you, so that ship may have already sailed... focus on yourself and the tasks ahead, it will lead to the greatest amount of open doors.

If you allow yourself to wallow in the mire that is coming, it will eat you alive...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I said fair, not let her skate. Although she should. She’s been pulling the whole weight for years. Poor woman needs a break. Damn.
> 
> I’m unaffected by stories of anxiety and such. He’s suddenly fixed a lot.
> There’s nothing fair about the relationship in the past. She’s done all the work. No reason someone should be squealing fair in the divorce now. (Not that OP has).


I agree she has been way too tolerant and accommodating for way too long.

But “fair” means two different things to them.

Fair to her means she doesn’t lose to much of her assets and savings and 401k to live reasonably comfortably for her and the kids.

For him, his actual survival and not starving to death or dying of exposure this winter depends on it being fair.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Your wife is finished with you and there's probably nothing you can do to change that. You've had this major anxiety problem for most of your life, and you've done little or nothing to try and fix it, is that right? So now, you want to fix it because you're thinking about what YOU want, not because it might be something SHE has always wanted. I actually feel bad for her.

She figures she can now use that anxiety against you, and intimidate you into signing an unfair Divorce Settlement Agreement. As others have stated you have legal rights- divorce is a financial contract and one party cannot simply tear it up and walk away- she has an ongoing support obligation to you and you're entitled to about half of the marital assets regardless of who earned the money to pay for them.

Doesn't matter if she's got another guy, she wants out, so doing a whole bunch of investigative work to discover a possible affair is a waste of time and effort unless you happen to live in one of the few places that adultery can give you a more favorable Divorce Settlement. In which case you could go into sleuthing mode and start collecting evidence that you could use at a divorce trial. But given that you can't even leave the freaking house how can anyone expect you to track down a cheater..? And a private investigator won't be cheap and I bet wifey controls all the money.

That much being said- damn dude your anxiety is so bad you can't even shop, and you can't work? What have you done to fix this other than fall into the victim mode of "That's how it is, nothing I can do to change it?.

Get yourself to see a therapist and start working on these issues that have isolated you from the world and turned you into an almost nonfunctional human being.

Might be to late but it's better than doing nothing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I agree she has been way too tolerant and accommodating for way too long.
> 
> But “fair” means two different things to them.
> 
> ...


And on the OP getting a job. Then again, if he’s in a ten years and lifetime alimony state, he can still kick back.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, when is the last time you had your own income?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> And on the OP getting a job. Then again, if he’s in a ten years and lifetime alimony state, he can still kick back.


RNs don’t make that much. 

They probably were squeezing by since they were living under the same roof. 

Even If she has to pay him spousal support, that will still barely keep him warm and fed and some kind of roof over his head this winter.

Now presumably her OM will be gainfully employed and will at least house and feed her. 

But OM’s income and assets won’t be figured into her spousal support obligation so his spousal support won’t be enough for him to be doing any kind of kicking back even if he does get long term support.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Now presumably her OM will be gainfully employed and will at least house and feed her.
> 
> But OM’s income and assets won’t be figured into her spousal support obligation so his spousal support won’t be enough for him to be doing any kind of kicking back even if he does get long term support.


Disgustingly assumptive. You have no idea if there's an affair. 

She might simply be done. For good reason.

This forum isn't daytime TV, people are here for help not to listen to crazy theories spun for entertainment of the one who puts it out there.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> RNs don’t make that much.
> 
> They probably were squeezing by since they were living under the same roof.
> 
> ...


If he can prove that the OM is helping her with cost of living expenses it can affect spousal support amounts.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> If he can prove that the OM is helping her with cost of living expenses it can affect spousal support amounts.


No, it cannot.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> RNs don’t make that much.
> 
> They probably were squeezing by since they were living under the same roof.
> 
> ...


I’m sure you’re right, so OP needs to be looking for a job sooner regather than later.
Maybe another man. I just think in this case there are mitigating circumstances and OP has never mentioned that is the case AFAIK


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trident said:


> Disgustingly assumptive. You have no idea if there's an affair.
> 
> She might simply be done. For good reason.
> 
> This forum isn't daytime TV, people are here for help not to listen to crazy theories spun for entertainment of the one who puts it out there.



This far we have no tangible evidence of an affair.

But she is the sole income earner and they have 3 kids ranging from 2-10 years old. 

Mothers of 3 years olds don’t typically leave the fathers of their children unless there is abuse, chronic sever fighting, alcoholism/drug abuse, chronic unemployment or complete neglect and abandonment by the father unless there is another man taking them in. 

Now women of small children will leave a chronically unemployed father without the support of another man if she believes the dead weight of the father is costing her more than he is worth.

I’m guessing the OP’s wife is smart enough to do the math and determine what she will get out of the divorce and weigh that against the cost of her deadbeat H.

So yes, it is possible there is not a 3rd party she is preparing to monkey branch to. 

But the odds say there is. 

Unless he comes back and says he is abuse or is a drunk that she has to buy 4 gallons of vodka for or if he is neglecting or abusing the kids,,, I will stick to the odds and assume there is an OM unless some kind of very solid evidence indicates otherwise. 

And for the record; I am not finger pointing or judging her if she is leaving for OM. I don’t blame her. I’m surprised she didn’t leave many years ago.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> If he can prove that the OM is helping her with cost of living expenses it can affect spousal support amounts.


I dunno about that. 

Maybe the judge will squeeze out another $100/month for him from somewhere else if he/she feels sorry for him. 

There are WWs that move into mansions with millionaire APs and the BH still has to pay her child and spousal support. 

And if a WH left his BW and moved in with a well off OW, the OW’s income would not be used to calculate his child support and spousal support obligation. 

In some ways it might be nice of BSs could sue APs for child and spousal support but that’s not how it typically works. 

All she would have to do is not marry the OM and not file joint income taxes or share large bank accounts jointly and OM’s income will likely not be used for support obligations at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OP was looking for hopium. A magic fix. There isn’t any.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I dunno about that.
> 
> Maybe the judge will squeeze out another $100/month for him from somewhere else if he/she feels sorry for him.
> 
> ...


I was talking about the person who is paying the spousal support can have the amount reduced if they can prove maintenance is being provided by someone else. Ask me how I know. 🙂


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> OP was looking for hopium. A magic fix. There isn’t any.


Unfortunately, we’re not sure what all he was looking for, since he doesn’t seem to want to show back up so we can have an actual bi-directional conversation.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> I was talking about the person who is paying the spousal support can have the amount reduced if they can prove maintenance is being provided by someone else. Ask me how I know. 🙂


How do you know? Your reply flies in the face of everything I know about divorce laws, and I know lots.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Your story sounds in many ways like mine. I had other issues, but I too was a doormat.. even when she gave me the opportunity not to be.

This forum has helped me in my recovery process.. and read the book about the Nice Guy syndrome... not sure of the title name, but it has been mentioned several times in these posts, that helped me to see who I was.

You have some changing to do. The outcome is probably not what you are going to hope for either. Its time for you to change your life and develop your own unique individuality, do your own thing, become your own person. Only then can you discover your own strengths and work on your weaknesses. 

Once you do that, you gain confidence, and confidence is attractive as well as showing you have control in your life.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Let this be a lesson to any man that thinks being a stay at home dad is a good idea.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Let this be a lesson to any man that thinks being a stay at home dad is a good idea.


His situation is closely related to the typical walkaway wife syndrome. Husbands gets comfortable around the house, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't do chores, watches videogames or sports all day long, maybe downs a couple of sixpacks over the weekend, doesn't pay much attention to wife and is glad she finally stopped nagging him about his lack of cooperation and attention.

Then he's all surprised when she cheats on him and/or serves him with Divorce papers.

Happens all the time.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Let this be a lesson to any man that thinks being a stay at home dad is a good idea.


99% of the time it will lead to disaster.
I’ve seen it work (rarely), but the dude needs to be pretty squared away in all aspects, (and bringing serious value that she can’t replace with a nanny) including his overall leadership.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> 99% of the time it will lead to disaster.
> I’ve seen it work (rarely), but the dude needs to be pretty squared away in all aspects, (and bringing serious value that she can’t replace with a nanny) including his overall leadership.


Sounds like a nanny would be an upgrade from how he portrayed himself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> I was talking about the person who is paying the spousal support can have the amount reduced if they can prove maintenance is being provided by someone else. Ask me how I know. 🙂


But that is not what we were talking about. 

In this situation it will likely be the wife that will have to pay spousal support to the OP and if she moves in with the OM, that will not effect how much the OP will get. 

If the OP is lucky, he will probably only get a handful of hundred a month, or maybe a thousand or a little more in spousal support if he has a great lawyer, even if the OM makes a lot of money.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> But that is not what we were talking about.
> 
> In this situation it will likely be the wife that will have to pay spousal support to the OP and if she moves in with the OM, that will not effect how much the OP will get.
> 
> If the OP is lucky, he will probably only get a handful of hundred a month, or maybe a thousand or a little more in spousal support if he has a great lawyer, even if the OM makes a lot of money.


He might be better taking a lump sum payoff.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> Let this be a lesson to any man that thinks being a stay at home dad is a good idea.


SAHD situations can work for a temporary period of time. But the SAHD is going to have to be large and in charge and Lord of Manor in virtually all other domains besides bringing home the bacon. 

Not only is he going to have to do the cooking and cleaning and child care and doctor's appointments and PTA meetings, but he is especially going to have to kick azz in all of the other traditional masculine roles like the boss as well. He is not only going to have to have the kids and the dishes squared away, but he is also going to have to strap on his tool belt and get up on the roof and fix the shingles and secure the eves troughs and fix every tiny leak and get under the hood of all the cars and repave the driveway and build a new barbecue pit onto the deck. 

She may be bringing home the bacon but he is going to have to be the one that budgets it and manages it and gives her an allowance. 

Then at the end of the day, he needs to throw her legs over his shoulders and ravage her until she can't walk straight..... and he should probably do her sister too for good measure. 

If a guy can do all of that and do it well, it may work for a period of time. 

But I have the feeling the OP here was not doing that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Delete. misquote.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> He might be better taking a lump sum payoff.


He might be better if he came back to actually engage with the people trying to give him advice.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dude.... get your 50% and get out. 

Then you really need to take a look at yourself in the mirror. How could you let yourself get to this point? Anxiety or not (qnd it hits me hard too), you have to be a better man than this. Get a job. Find your purpose. Make something of yourself. Be the best father you can be. Provide for your children.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Vamistle said:


> *I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments *and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


Upholding your part of the agreement (finally) is NOT STEPPING UP. Its doing what you were supposed to be doing for the last 20 years.



SongoftheSouth said:


> Another thing stop with the this is all my fault crap. *You want to paint the picture that you and her agreed you would be the stay at home dad and look after the children as the primary care giver*. You were excellent at that but after 20 years she wants you out to persue a relationship with her new boyfriend (the I love you but not in love with you makes this likely). Play that card and you will do well. BTW it happens all the time but usually genders are reversed.


Except he's not primary carer, he's too frightened to leave the house. Mum does it all while he sits at home.

OP I'm sorry but you come across as weak and pathetic. I don't believe your wife has someone else lined up, the poor woman is too bloody exhausted from carrying the entire load, let's face it, she has 4 children, really. She's had a gutful. If she were on her own her workload would actually be lighter because she'll only have 3 to care for.

It's too late for your marriage OP, once's a woman is done, she's done. But if you get yourself the help you need, and become a real man who can lead a family and be productive, your next marriage will fare much better.

I know I sound harsh but you need a huge reality check if you want your life to get better.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Vamistle said:


> My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 and 3. She told me 2 weeks ago what i put in the title and has since told me she doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiety and am very shy and introverted. My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) and i am the stay at home and that's the situation we both chose. Sadly i left all the grocery trips and taking kids to appointments to her due to my issues and it took its toll on her. I completely understand i screwed up and own up to that.
> I have been trying to fix our relationship and i feel like im going nowhere. I want to atleast try to fix it for the kids and the fact that i truly still love my wife. I just don't know how to get through to her. I feel lost. I feel as though no matter what i do, i've lost her for good and that just destroys me. Thoughts? Advice? Please.





Vamistle said:


> My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 and 3. She told me 2 weeks ago what i put in the title and has since told me she doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiety and am very shy and introverted. My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) and i am the stay at home and that's the situation we both chose. Sadly i left all the grocery trips and taking kids to appointments to her due to my issues and it took its toll on her. I completely understand i screwed up and own up to that.
> I have been trying to fix our relationship and i feel like im going nowhere. I want to atleast try to fix it for the kids and the fact that i truly still love my wife. I just don't know how to get through to her. I feel lost. I feel as though no matter what i do, i've lost her for good and that just destroys me. Thoughts? Advice? Please.


[QUOTE="Vamistle, p
My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 andoesn't evenmarriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiintroverted. My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) ankids to appointments toand it took 
I have been try

REPLY. (Don’t know how to get rid of quote)

have you ever gotten any professional help for your anxiety? If not, then I’m sorry, but there’s little chance that you will be able to fix the marriag. It’s too little too late. But it’s worth trying, find a therapist and make an appointment. Tell your wife you want to work on the marriage and what you intend to do. Take action. Also, find an attorney.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

A lot of guys, myself included, could have written that headline.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> I was talking about the person who is paying the spousal support can have the amount reduced if they can prove maintenance is being provided by someone else. Ask me how I know. 🙂


These two are still married and living together!! She's not living with someone else who is a partner in life expenses, that's not gonna be pertinent here, right now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Trident said:


> Disgustingly assumptive. You have no idea if there's an affair.
> 
> She might simply be done. For good reason.
> 
> This forum isn't daytime TV, people are here for help not to listen to crazy theories spun for entertainment of the one who puts it out there.


Yep, OP might have done some things a lot better. Granted. Given. Whatever.

Yeah, she might be done for the good reason there's an OM! 

Place your bets. 
Odds are 5 to 1 there is.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep, OP might have done some things a lot better. Granted. Given. Whatever.
> 
> Yeah, she might be done for the good reason there's an OM!
> 
> ...


Nah, I'm not going to bet against you here. I think she's about to get a firm grip on the other branch myself, she's definitely in intimate contact with that next branch in the monkey-branching action.

That's my gut feel on this one.

OP would be wise to go into detective mode.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yeah, she might be done for the good reason there's an OM!
> 
> Place your bets.
> Odds are 5 to 1 there is.


This is someone's life, it isn't a race track.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Trident said:


> This is someone's life, it isn't a race track.


Everything is someone's life. Sometimes in levity we highlight the real gravity of what transpires. It's a coping mechanism but also a pointed way of highlighting real pitfalls.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> RNs don’t make that much.
> 
> They probably were squeezing by since they were living under the same roof.
> 
> ...


OM’s income? Probably premature to think some dude is going to wife up someone’s, I presume mid to late 40s WW and her 3 kids. I have no doubt she’s involved with a new guy but who’s really signing up for that? 

OP, needs to lawyer up to make sure he’s given a fair shake in the “family“ courts, get himself into counseling to deal with his anxiety, and get a job YESTERDAY. I agree with the TAM consensus that his wife is done with him. Best to deal with reality and not waste your efforts in trying to nice her; it will only further disgust her.


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## TrailTrekker (10 mo ago)

For all future dads considering being a stay at home dad, this thread is an example of how careful you need to consider that role.

I was a SAHD dad for years when my kids were younger. While I loved being with my kids, it caused the obvious issues already discussed here. I’m leaning towards the idea that the OP didn’t have social anxiety when he started the SAHD role, it set in as the loneliness and isolation ate away at him.

I survived by scheduling meetings with other men for breakfast, work on houses or cars, etc. once a week. I also freelanced in my field during kid nap times to bring in income, and keep me sharp. That freelance gig worked into a full time home business that equals wife’s pay.

My wife loves her field, also loves her family, and struggled to do both, it was especially hard when the kids were really young. Hindsight is 20/20, I’d encourage women to stay at home if they want, as there are countless moms groups out there … no dad groups … that adds to the loneliness and frustration of being at home.

OP can try to change, get a job, hit the gym, be the Prince Charming his wife fell in love with at first, ball is in his court to make it happen, or not.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TrailTrekker said:


> OP can try to change, get a job, hit the gym, be the Prince Charming his wife fell in love with at first, ball is in his court to make it happen, or not.


Women, once they fall out of love, are lost to that man. It is rare that this is ever turned around unless the woman is dependent on that man to survive. That dependence might buy enough time to re-bond, but this too is rare.

I've been around long enough on this planet to have seen much and as an older man, I would advise all men to rather never try the pick-me-dance or any variation thereof. If a woman wants to go, you open the door and for the sake of your own sanity, I find it best to shut it permanently behind her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Trident said:


> This is someone's life, it isn't a race track.


Really? Duh


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, you are entitled to 50% of everything. See an attorney.


Depending where he lives.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trident said:


> Your wife is finished with you and there's probably nothing you can do to change that. You've had this major anxiety problem for most of your life, and you've done little or nothing to try and fix it, is that right? So now, you want to fix it because you're thinking about what YOU want, not because it might be something SHE has always wanted. I actually feel bad for her.
> 
> She figures she can now use that anxiety against you, and intimidate you into signing an unfair Divorce Settlement Agreement. As others have stated you have legal rights- divorce is a financial contract and one party cannot simply tear it up and walk away- she has an ongoing support obligation to you and you're entitled to about half of the marital assets regardless of who earned the money to pay for them.
> 
> ...


Yeah, because no matter where he lives or what the divorce settlement, he's going to have to get a job whether he has anxiety or not because being on the street it is a lot more stressful than just getting a job.

Whether she may have to pay you some support strictly depends on where you live what country or what state if in the United States.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m sure you’re right, so OP needs to be looking for a job sooner regather than later.
> Maybe another man. I just think in this case there are mitigating circumstances and OP has never mentioned that is the case AFAIK


Honestly she is probably so burnt out on men after this..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> SAHD situations can work for a temporary period of time. But the SAHD is going to have to be large and in charge and Lord of Manor in virtually all other domains besides bringing home the bacon.
> 
> Not only is he going to have to do the cooking and cleaning and child care and doctor's appointments and PTA meetings, but he is especially going to have to kick azz in all of the other traditional masculine roles like the boss as well. He is not only going to have to have the kids and the dishes squared away, but he is also going to have to strap on his tool belt and get up on the roof and fix the shingles and secure the eves troughs and fix every tiny leak and get under the hood of all the cars and repave the driveway and build a new barbecue pit onto the deck.


I agree with that. And I've seen it in action and working well. I had a great neighbor who's wife was a doctor and they had four kids last count. He had been a server when they met. I don't know how much cooking he did but he got them fed somehow.

It took care of everything around the house and built a fence with the help of the kids and took care of chickens and had an organic garden. And after they moved now he's taking care of a bigger hunk of land and some farming and sometimes helps her with the book work at their family clinic and so do the kids.

He was large and in charge doing it very well and their kids were great.

But that worked because she made good money. Another neighbor of mine basically wants to be a stay-at-home dad and take odd jobs. It's understandable because he had to take care of his disabled dad ever since he was a kid, so he's done his bit.

So they have a little trouble balancing everything out because he really doesn't want to work full time and somebody needs to take care of the kids. Probably he could get a better paying job than she's got if he wanted to. But she's the one who works regularly. They're always broke. No two couples are alike. But they're probably not struggling anymore than most people with that many kids.

I won't minimize how much work child care is no matter whether the primary caretaker is male or female. He's not ambitious and he should have taken care of his anxiety problems long ago or at least tried to. I agree with Frusdil that since he didn't take care of most of the duties that a stay at home parent would have to do, not sure you could call him a primary caretaker since she was still doing everything and he was basically just another kid at home with the kids.
Whether it gets him any support will depend on where he lives. But either way just like I advise all the women who come on here, right now he needs to go out and get a job and start working even if it means daycare for the kids because he's going to have to support himself for the most part and any support he got would not be permanent.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s good for your wife that she can finally move on and find someone that can actually bring VALUE to her life. You are a complete dead end as far as it goes in being an actual man. I’m surprised she lasted this long.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> 99.99% chance there is someone else that she will be leaving you for very shortly, probably within a few weeks if not even days.
> 
> Your first step needs to be that you believe her when she says she no loves you or wants to be married to you.
> 
> So your second step is to see a lawyer asap and start working on protecting your assets and access to your children.


run for the border I am going through the same thing. He is having an emotional affair for yrs with an ex lover. Maybe try first to see if you could save it.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Vamistle said:


> My wife and i have been married for 20 yrs and have 3 kids 10, 6 and 3. She told me 2 weeks ago what i put in the title and has since told me she doesn't even want to try to fix the marriage. For a bit of background, i have social anxiety and am very shy and introverted. My wife is the sole breadwinner in the family (shes an RN) and i am the stay at home and that's the situation we both chose. Sadly i left all the grocery trips and taking kids to appointments to her due to my issues and it took its toll on her. I completely understand i screwed up and own up to that.
> I have been trying to fix our relationship and i feel like im going nowhere. I want to atleast try to fix it for the kids and the fact that i truly still love my wife. I just don't know how to get through to her. I feel lost. I feel as though no matter what i do, i've lost her for good and that just destroys me. Thoughts? Advice? Please.


There's a saying, don't put out get out.
Stop saving your marriage. Treat her like shot, and bust her back like your an alpha male


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

I have empathy for anxiety. I know mental health can be a real challenge, but you cannot let it control you. Your wife deserves a partner. Your kids deserve a courageous dad to look up to, even if that courage is as simple as going to the grocery store.

I have a feeling she asked you to get help, and pleaded for help with the burden of taking care of a whole family in the past, all which you’ve disregarded until she finally said, “I’m done.” You waited too long to act. Now that you’re faced with the reality of the situation—that once you’re divorced you’ll be forced to get a job and go grocery shopping and make phone calls anyway but now alone—you want to change and convince her to stay. It’s not right. You didn’t love her enough to do what needed to be done years ago. I would divorce you too. And there wouldn’t be another man in the picture. I don’t like all the accusations against her. There is simply no reason to believe she has another man lined up.

Im sorry OP. This is a painful but important catalyst to finally get you on the right track with your issues.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Vamistle said:


> I have started stepping up to do the shopping and appointments and being the better husband i should've been but i fear it's too little too late. As for my assets, as i stated, she is the sole bread winner and as such holds all the cards. If she was to kick me out tomorrow she has said that i can keep one of our vehicles and she continue to make the payment but other than that i have nothing but the clothes i own. no money, nowhere to go, no degree or trade and 50 yrs old.


Listen to yourself, start acting like a alpha male,
You ate a wussy by telling us she is dictating the rules, that means you been willowtailed wiped, therefore she lost respect for you and now had contempt for you. Take control with what ever it is you can to gain your MANLY RESPECT BACK.
you have become week, You start dictating the process and how thing go and end out. I'd you don't, the next relationship it will be the same, cuz your woman later will see you still as a pathetic simp. GET A MEAN LAWYER TO STICK IT TO HER, YOU TELL YOUR WIFE TO FUDGE OFF, YOU ARE THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.
IF SHE STARTS TO SEE YOU AS A HOT COMMODITY, DONT FALL FOR IT. YOU ARE NOT SAMPSON. STILL BE THE SHERIFF, BY DOING SO YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR AND NOT EVER LISE YOUR MAN POWER AGAIN.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

David60525 said:


> Listen to yourself, start acting like a alpha male,
> You ate a wussy by telling us she is dictating the rules, that means you been willowtailed wiped, therefore she lost respect for you and now had contempt for you. Take control with what ever it is you can to gain your MANLY RESPECT BACK.
> you have become week, You start dictating the process and how thing go and end out. I'd you don't, the next relationship it will be the same, cuz your woman later will see you still as a pathetic simp. GET A MEAN LAWYER TO STICK IT TO HER, YOU TELL YOUR WIFE TO FUDGE OFF, YOU ARE THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.
> IF SHE STARTS TO SEE YOU AS A HOT COMMODITY, DONT FALL FOR IT. YOU ARE NOT SAMPSON. STILL BE THE SHERIFF, BY DOING SO YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR AND NOT EVER LISE YOUR MAN POWER AGAIN.


All women lose their respect for a man once ther earn more. Always, get out as a man.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

David60525 said:


> Listen to yourself, start acting like a alpha male,
> You ate a wussy by telling us she is dictating the rules, that means you been willowtailed wiped, therefore she lost respect for you and now had contempt for you. Take control with what ever it is you can to gain your MANLY RESPECT BACK.
> you have become week, You start dictating the process and how thing go and end out. I'd you don't, the next relationship it will be the same, cuz your woman later will see you still as a pathetic simp. GET A MEAN LAWYER TO STICK IT TO HER, YOU TELL YOUR WIFE TO FUDGE OFF, YOU ARE THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.
> IF SHE STARTS TO SEE YOU AS A HOT COMMODITY, DONT FALL FOR IT. YOU ARE NOT SAMPSON. STILL BE THE SHERIFF, BY DOING SO YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR AND NOT EVER LISE YOUR MAN POWER AGAIN.


Yikes.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

David60525 said:


> All women lose their respect for a man once ther earn more. Always, get out as a man.


Dude this isn't about being a "man" it's about getting out of a bad marriage as quickly and inexpensively as possible with as little collateral damage as possible. Its not some sort of war to try to hurt the other person and gain self respect. 

It's a business transaction, nothing more. Emotions are best left out of it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

David60525 said:


> All women lose their respect for a man once ther earn more. Always, get out as a man.


She doesn’t earn more. She’s the sole breadwinner, and has to do all the work at home and handling kids’ taxi service because they OP has anxiety issues.
There should be zero complaints from the OP about her divorcing him. He hasn’t been pulling his weight for a long time, and his wife has had enough. Rather than stepping up the mr mom stuff, he should be getting a job for his own good. She’s headed out the door.


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