# Is it over? Or am I being crazy?



## jmilly1223 (Jul 26, 2018)

My wife and I have been married 7 years and together for over 10. To say our relationship has had issues is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong though we’ve had some great and amazing times. 
Before we were married I had some skeletons I didn’t deal with and I ended up cheating on my wife, then girlfriend, with an ex. I’m not proud of what I did. I stopped it and tried to make things better with my girlfriend. Down the road I wanted to marry her but I didn’t think it was fair to keep her in the dark. So I did what I thought was right and I told her everything and why I did. She was devastated. I told her it had been over for a while and gave her my word that it wouldn’t happen again. I even gave up playing a video game I used as a crutch to hide what I was doing emotionally. We worked on our relationship for some time. I thought we were through all the bad and that's when I asked her to marry me. 
We got married and within a year she told me she met friend in college. They started hanging out together a lot. She assured me it was platonic and I had nothing to worry about. We had him over a couple times but they would always go out without me. 
One day I came home and noticed she was acting suspicious and was texting, they texted a lot, but this time was different. She quickly hid her phone and tried to distract me, so I checked her phone and found flirtatious messages. I confronted her about it and they were having an affair. I told her that I could try to forgive her if she broke it off and we could move forward and she did. I had to break through a lot of lies to get to the truth. I blamed myself for my past issues that did this. 
Our relationship was great after. We were close and appeared stronger than ever. 
A couple years later we fell into another bad situation and had to move in with my mom. She got a new job and was texting a guy from work. I asked who he is and she told me I had nothing to worry about. This time I wasn’t convinced and I got into her messages again and found they were deleted. I then found a way to get her messages on another device and saw flirtatious messages. I told her what I had found and we had a fight, but ultimately she stopped the messages it seemed the problem was early on. 
We worked passed this again and got a house years later. Things were looking up. 
She got a new job and I found that she was texting her coworker a lot. First all day the I asked her about it and she moved it to nightly only to spend more time with me. It’s like clock work. Every night for 2 to 3 hours she’s texting him. I’m furious. I know this guy and we hung out some. They’ll take small work trips together and have lunch a lot. I’ve explained in the past that I don’t mind group lunches but theirs appear to be more 1on1 than group. 
One night recently, before she was leaving for a work trip, I wanted to spend time together. We watched tv and the whole time we did she was on her phone texting this guy. I asked her to put it down for a minute and just spend time with me, but after only 5 to 10 minutes she was back on and texting again. 
I’m scared and at my wits end on this stuff. After I broke into her text messages the second time I promised I wouldn’t never break her trust and check her messages again. 
I know this guy, he doesn't strike me as the type of person that would mess around with another man's wife, he's married too and has kids. I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more. When asked to cut back on the texting she did for a couple of days but quickly went back to her old ways of 2 to 3 hours. I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking to cut back, but she thinks it's controlling when I do. 
We fight about every 2 to 3 weeks over this because I just can't handle the constant texting. I don't know what to do and I'm so close to calling it quits over this stuff.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Is it over? Not looking good, if this continues, yes it's over.

Are you crazy? No

When you factor in the prior affair, the prior emotional affairs and texting with benefit buddies, the fact that this continues means there's not regard for the marriage, there simply isn't. There isn't a misunderstanding here. You want her to stop and for good reason but she will not and the fact that she cannot even hide it or stop means she's past the point of no return and basically obsessed. 

She can stop and then you guys can go to Marriage Counseling to work on your issues, if she does indeed stop and put an effort to save this marriage.

If not, there's nothing you can do but go talk to a lawyer. This isn't a matter of you don't know what's going on and you don't know if you can improve yourself and work together to improve the marriage. This is a case of her openly cheating, at the very least, emotionally and refuses to stop. She either stops and you both work on this or she doesn't and she has left you no choice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You married a serial adulterer.She isn’t going to change.
Move on before any children are added to the mix.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP: you said "I don't know what to do and I'm so close to calling it quits over this stuff."

Honestly, how old are you? This question about what's going on in your marriage reeks of a man that either does not have enough maturity to understand, or per your post, you sound weak, codependent, and lacks self-esteem to be man enough to either, had put a complete stop to your wife shenanigans, or you should already have kicked her to the curb.

You know what's she's up to. She knows you know, but all you do is bark complains/accusations at her like a toothless dog. She just ignores you or pushed back at you, and all you do is rinse and repeat.

Man up. Show her that you respect yourselves, because, certainly, she does not. Surprise her with divorce papers. She's not worthy to you any more.
This is what you need to do, if you have the guts to do it.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"I know this guy, he doesn't strike me as the type of person that would mess around with another man's wife, he's married too and has kids. I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more"


That is your downfall sir. Gently.

You have kept your head in the sand long enough for 2 possibly more affairs with this supposed "wife" of yours. Maybe she did lose respect for you when you admitted to the cheating. Maybe she saw you as a meal ticket and security blanket. Either way, she is STILL in infidelity. And you are having the horns hung on you. The fact that the guy even talks to you all friendly like. I'd bet they think YOU like this. I mean after all, you let them go on trips together and go out at night together.....

Until you want things to change and you start to believe in yourself, this will continue. Until she gets tired of you....


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jmilly1223 said:


> My wife and I have been married 7 years and together for over 10. To say our relationship has had issues is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong though we’ve had some great and amazing times.
> Before we were married I had some skeletons I didn’t deal with and I ended up cheating on my wife, then girlfriend, with an ex. I’m not proud of what I did. I stopped it and tried to make things better with my girlfriend. Down the road I wanted to marry her but I didn’t think it was fair to keep her in the dark. So I did what I thought was right and I told her everything and why I did. She was devastated. I told her it had been over for a while and gave her my word that it wouldn’t happen again. I even gave up playing a video game I used as a crutch to hide what I was doing emotionally. We worked on our relationship for some time. I thought we were through all the bad and that's when I asked her to marry me.
> We got married and within a year she told me she met friend in college. They started hanging out together a lot. She assured me it was platonic and I had nothing to worry about. We had him over a couple times but they would always go out without me.
> One day I came home and noticed she was acting suspicious and was texting, they texted a lot, but this time was different. She quickly hid her phone and tried to distract me, so I checked her phone and found flirtatious messages. I confronted her about it and they were having an affair. I told her that I could try to forgive her if she broke it off and we could move forward and she did. I had to break through a lot of lies to get to the truth. I blamed myself for my past issues that did this.
> ...


Wake up.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

jmilly1223 said:


> I know this guy, he doesn't strike me as the type of person that would mess around with another man's wife, he's married too and has kids. I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more. When asked to cut back on the texting she did for a couple of days but quickly went back to her old ways of 2 to 3 hours. I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking to cut back, but she thinks it's controlling when I do.


One quick way to tell if a guy would mess with your wife: if he's already messing with your wife.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Let me see if I understand this...

Your wife has had at least 3 affairs THAT YOU KNOW OF, and of course you think it is mostly talking and texting.

And, after 2 affairs, you F****** ALLOWED HER to text all night to some guy at work that she goes away on business trips with? 

ARE YOU FU***** KIDDING ME?

You sir are behaving like a fool, a doormat, a cuckold husband. Do you understand those references????

You need to file for divorce as soon as you possible can and move on with your life. 

Why have you allowed these things in your marriage, because you cheated before you got married, brother you need to wake up?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"After I broke into her text messages the second time I promised I wouldn’t never break her trust and check her messages again. "
YOU are not breaking her trust -- SHE has done that for you. SHE has broken YOUR trust in that she is continually doing this.

Get her phone, find her messages, make copies, and get to a Divorce lawyer ASAP to see what your options are.
EXPOSE this to the POSOM's wife (and do NOT tell her you are doing this) -- did you do that before for her other affairs? If not WHY NOT?

She has shown you by her actions what she is -- believe her and NOT the illusion of what you THINK she is.
Do NOT let your guilt about what you did before the marriage keep causing you to accept this now. YOU fessed up and worked to rebuild. SHE just gets caught and then moves on to the next one...


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## Confusedwife20 (Jul 19, 2018)

Okay, so I was going through something very similar. My H had cheated several times. From my experience I can tell you this...
1. If you have these suspicious then you are correct. 
2. If she is refusing to cut communication, then that relationship takes precedence over yours in her eyes.
3. You are allowed to check your spouse's messages. This notion of privacy is ridiculous. A marriage should open and honest.
4. It doesn't matter if the other is married or not, nor do they care that your Wife is. 
Check her messages.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Confusedwife20 said:


> If you have these suspicious then you are correct.


I LOVE this line. I've been in the divorce business for decades and have yet to see this statement not be true. Why? Because people know their spouses better than anyone else in the world. If something feels "off" and you suspect they're cheating, then by that time they already have been for quite some time.

Whenever a new client starts with "we seem to be growing apart, the connection isn't there, they're withdrawn and seem focused on something else." More times than not they follow with "I thought they might be cheating but there's no way he/she would do that."

I then tell them the same thing. If you suspect it then there's a darn good chance it's happening. I can put you in touch with a very good PI. He used to work for the FBI and he usually gets results within 24-72 hours. I'd testify under oath that to this date not even ONCE has there been no cheating when we've brought the PI in. Spouses know each other. Even when they're in denial, they still know. Some of the more stubborn cases of denial just need an objective 3rd party to confirm what they already know.


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