# Am I overreacting?



## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

We brought an employee with us on a trip to California. We also brought our dogs because one of them may have only days to live. I have not been having a blast because of care and responsibility for our beloved pets. I keep getting grumpy because I feel like I keep turning around and, while I am tangled in dog leashes, my husband is off admiring a view with our employee. I feel like my husband feels he has to make me happy while he is genuinely pleasured at making our employee happy. I stayed in the motel today while they went to meet someone for business here and my husband asked if they decided later to go see a lighthouse would I like to come. I asked later if he could bring back some food for our dog on their way home. They get back to the motel and are freezing cold. Seems out of the norm...just 50 degrees outside. I ask if our friend's place was cold and my husband says yes. Then our employee runs off to the jacuzzi and my hisband comes out of the bathroom and covers himself in blankets and says let's go to sleep. This is early for him and both of them were talking like they were slurring their speech and acting strange. My husband asked if I was okay and I said sure...is he okay? What is goi g on? He says he jumped into the ocean. Then he elaborates that they cliff jumped without wetsuits at this lighthouse. His reason for not calling me? He didn't think I would jump. But he was going to call before they went to the lighthouse. Is this weird? Am I overreacti g by being upset at bei g totally left out...not to mention my husband was showing signs of hypothermia and drove them home. Is his keeping this from me like a kid stealing cookies from the cookie jar? Have I so seriously supressed him that he is acting like this? We always do thkngs together and I guess he isn't happy that way anymore. How would you respond in the morning. I am in a hotel room with them. I can't believe he is so flat out tossing my feelings to the wind. The fact that he isn't telling me their plans feels like he thinks I am his mom or something. Is this relationship in a horribley unhealthy place? While he was gone I was studying Audrey Hepburn to give him my best when he got home tonight but the cold had him so far gone he didn't even notice me. Boo hoo I guess.
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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Is the employee a women? Assuming that the employee is a women, did the two of them bring bathing suits, or did they go swimming in their underwear, or worse yet in the nude? Swimming as they did was them making memories with each other; sexual ones if they were nude or near nude. No matter what they wore or did not wear, leaving you at the hotel all day alone with a sick dog, as they cut you out and vacationed together, was not right. It also sounds a lot like a date, more so if they were nude or near nude. Dating is done to get to know a person of the opposite sex on a personal basis, and does not require sex to be called a date, especially in the early stages of the relationship. 

You asked if you are overreacting. The answer is that you are under-reacting. You need to remind your husband that he needs to remember that the two of you are suppose to be each other priority, and that so far on this trip he has made the employee his priority instead of you. You both promised in your vows to put no one else before each other, and to do this in sickness and in health. In good times and in bad. Your dog dying is a bad time time for you, and he should be there for you, and he is not.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Yes, the employee is a woman. His clothes were soaking wet. I do trust them but it is so sad to see the effort he makes for her that he does not make for me. Well he says he brought me on this trip and he does so many things for me...and he DOES...but the sad thing is he is just spitefully dishing out to me what he thinks I need while he's missing the boat that what I need is just simple love and affection...natural love that comes so freely to this basic stranger...his new friend. She is my friend too but come on! Neither one of them thought of me tonight...or they schemed to leave me out because it would be a hassle because...oh yeah...the dogs. And you are so right. This dog is my soul dog and this is not easy. He know that but he has this mentality that we have fought on vacations in the past and nothing is going to ruin this trip for him..so easy since he has a woman who has nothing to do but be pleasant for him. He is her boss!! Duh!!! Of course she is going to be the sweetest thing. Thank you so much for helping me with words to say. I hope I can get them out straight and that he will listen instead of just shout how I don't appreciate him. He has this thing where he is going to have friends whether I like it or not (couldn't he have just made friends without a vendetta about it?) and that he doesn't get along with guys much so they will probably be girls and there will be some things they like to do that I don't. I don't want to go out with guys without him. I had buddies during our dating and marriage when I used to work retail but we were strictly work buddies.
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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He LIKES HER, likes her. As they would say in middle school.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Whose decision was it to bring the dogs?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Whose decision was it to bring the dogs?


Hahaha mrk. One morning at breakfast I said I felt like they were a high school clique but he thought that was ridiculous. We were leaving the hotel room and I was squeezing out the door with the dogs trying to push their heads theough (two 100 lb German Shepherds) and when I looked up they were 30' feet down the hall walking side by side, chatting. 

The dogs were both of our idea. I didn't want to leave the house at all during this time but he planned a business trip and said we would drive so we could bring the dog. Then he rented a van for the trip and later said our employee was coming too. Then I realized the van only has two seats and I got upset that he hadn't thought of that and he said our employee said she would ride in the back with the dog. I sort of frustratingly said that maybe I should stay home...be a practical adult...since obviously riding a 19 hour drive (or any drive for that matter) in the back of a cargo van with no seatbelt is dangerous...we are in our 30's here, folks, not 17. He got angry that I would suggest not going and claimed that I must want to stay and mess around with our male employee who was staying back at home. That is ridiculous as I am only every friendly and cheerful around him as I would be around any co-worker and even if I were a single 19 year old...he is NOT MY TYPE. My husband doesn't believe me that I don't see this kid looking at me...that I don't know that he has a crush on me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head and I don't look at him enough to have a clue, or care, if he looks at me. Since I was initially excited about California and if I stayed home I might get accused of something awful unless I videotaped my life...I proposed that I would drive in our car with the dogs. Our employee had offered to ride in the back of the van but where were their brains? How do I get labeled the unfun one when their choices are just plain stupid? My husband says he sees our employee like a daughter...amd how many times when he is on the phone with his parents have I heard him say to them...she is just like me (quick learner, etc.) Every time I hear him say that I feel like he is talking to them about me when we first me and I wish they would be like...uh...what about your wife? I found this awesome chick online and gave my husband 4 or 5 resumes and this is one we both agreed was tops. I interviewed and hired her but the first time my husband was singing her praises to his family he just goofily and happily goes...I don't know how I found her. I guess I have just felt sort of under appreciated from the beginning. I do believe he is faithful...it is just painful that if feels like I am a choice...not a desire...and I see him so naturally being drawn to her. Again...if he was my boss...and not my husband...I would make his days bright and shiny and happy, too. My bosses always loved me. It wasn't always a genuine smile but I put on my happy smile for work. Should I make a bigger effort to be fake happy pleasant for him even when I am down? He has this thing right now...that don't we Iike how Ernest Hemingway and Jack Kerouac and Ken Kesey traveled around with friends. I get it...I was fascinated with that in high school..but even he said the guy who ditched his baby and wife in the movie adaptation of On the Road was a jerk.
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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I wish I could behave this morning, in such a way...sexy, classy Audrey Hepburn or something...such a way that he would realize what a fool he was and apologize. Thing is...he is going to wake up like nothing happened...wake up starving and goto breakfast with employee wwhile I stay in the room with the dogs and pack for our long ride home. Of course they have slept like rocks and I have hardly slept at all. He probably won't even remember last night because of his blubbering hypothermic self. Don't get me wrong...I covered him in blankets and checked his pulse and had him talk to me before I started reaching out for help. How do I behave today? Cold shoulder/silent treatment just gets me more sour negative points. Maybe a pleasant we'll talk about it when we get home silent treatment? He'll never want to TALK about it...right?
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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

laroo said:


> He has this thing where he is going to have friends whether I like it or not (couldn't he have just made friends without a vendetta about it?) and that he doesn't get along with guys much so they will probably be girls and there will be some things they like to do that I don't.





laroo said:


> Neither one of them thought of me tonight...or they schemed to leave me out because it would be a hassle because...oh yeah...the dogs.





laroo said:


> One morning at breakfast I said I felt like they were a high school clique but he thought that was ridiculous. We were leaving the hotel room and I was squeezing out the door with the dogs trying to push their heads theough (two 100 lb German Shepherds) and when I looked up they were 30' feet down the hall walking side by side, chatting.


 OK so your husband is allowed to have opposite sex friends (OSF) whether you “I like it or not”, and is allowed to ignore you so that he can focus his attention on this young female employee. You are not allowed to get mad about this. 



laroo said:


> He got angry that I would suggest not going and claimed that I must want to stay and mess around with our male employee who was staying back at home. That is ridiculous as I am only every friendly and cheerful around him as I would be around any co-worker and even if I were a single 19 year old...he is NOT MY TYPE. My husband doesn't believe me that I don't see this kid looking at me...that I don't know that he has a crush on me.


 At the same time that you are not allowed to get mad about the attention that he is openly giving to this young female employee at the expense of ignoring you, he is allowed to get mad at you about you having any friendship with the young male employee. He is even allowed to make wild unfounded accusations about you wanting to cheat with this young male employee. Do you not see the imbalance here? When you factor in the obvious fact that men usually romantically gravitate towards younger women, while females usually gravitate towards older men, this particular situation is even more ridiculous. What do you call a woman that dates younger men? Answer, a “cougar”. What do you call a man that dates younger women? Answer, a man.

You need to sit down with your husband and write down boundaries for opposite sex friends (OSF) that applies equally to both of you. With your husband’s jealousy streak, something tells me that you going alone to breakfast with the male employee, visiting a lighthouse with him, and swimming with him in the ocean with your cloth on, would not be allowed in any boundaries that your husband draws up. You need to insist that OSF boundaries must be applied equally to both of you. Do not let him make all of the rules. This should be a joint document that both make compromises for, and to which both respect. By discussing concepts, it will be harder for him to legitimately view this as an attack on him, even though he will attempt to spin it that way; do not buy into this spin.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I can ask him to sit down and come up with a plan with me but he will probably laugh at it. We just talked on the phone...he is wrapping up business here and I went to get car oil changed before our drive home. He kept asking ME what is wrong. I really wanted him to figure it out and apologize. I ended up discussing my feelings about last night and this week and he says I am being ridiculous if I think he hasn't gone out of his way for the dogs...money wise for the dog and providing a trip for me. I guess it is an issue of the five love languages and he is giving hugely in a department that I'm not deficient in...so to speak. He says I should be friends with our employee too, which I have been...but now I don't respect her for how they both ditched me last night. He says it was only two hours and it was close to where they were working and far from where I was...he apologized and apologized for forgetting the dog's food. He still could have called...i feel like he purposely excluded me because he feels like he knew he was doing something i would not like. I do not want that dynamic in our relationship. He can be a grown man and say...I AM GOING CLIFF JUMPING...say...as a team building thing or something, haha. The fact that he is acting like a kid stealing cookies from a cookie jar is what concerns me.
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I could SEE all of you interact for 10 seconds, I'd probably know immediately what to make of this. It could be as simple as being nice to an employee (playing the cool boss role) while expecting you (a known quantity, presumably) to be okay taking care of yourself. Or, it could be something more, but I kind of doubt it - I think he's just wrapped up in the cool boss role to the extent that he's not paying attention to you and how you feel. You can and probably should point this out to him, but nicely (if you want him to get it and think about how to change, rather than get defensive).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Legally speaking this is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Also, you are legally responsible for her if she has any injuries over the "team" building. If she is there on business related reasons, she needs to do her job and part ways at the end of the day. 

I know the first thing he will say if you bring this up is that she will never do that and that's being naive. Any lawyer will grin ear to ear if they heard about how unprofessional he is acting. 

Now a woman I will tell you that you need to lay the law and not let him get away with this. She is not your friend, a friend does not act this way.
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh and look for a doggy day care and go out. Better yet ask mrs trampy to watch them.
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

mrs trampy!!!! :rofl:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Will you forget about the dogs? Making noise about the dogs is an excellent way to derail an issue that is far more serious. 

Do not mention them again. Get the food yourself. Your problem is that your husband either fancies another woman or he no longer has fun with you. Because a lot of men see recreational companionship as being very important having fun with her will build up affection between them. 

So, do not trust either of them. It is inappropriate that he should leave you of anything, esp when another woman is involved. His insistence that he have female friends and not caring how you feel may indicate that he has had affairs in the past but now he doesn't care if you get upset. He will call this friendship and tell you you are crazy. Sounds very much like cheater speak.
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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I admit that I'm having a hard time understanding the dynamic here, and why this woman was along for the ride in the first place, but to the extent I do understand what's going on: no, you're certainly not overreacting. If anything, you may be underreacting. I'd be beside-myself-pissed-off, were I you.

So what's the plan?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Married but happy, I hope you hit the nail on the head. That seems to be the story that he would agree with. 

I definitely get the harassment thing...I have mentioned this about other issues with employees but he said none of them could afford to sue him. I disagree and don't think that matters in a work place. Either way...he shouldnt blow that off.

It is very true that we don't have a lot of fun lately. I am easy going and dont mind not being that adventurous. He craves adventure but choses to take naps or watch movies instead. He would deny through his teeth that he is jealois but when we go out he claims i smile at people that i never even saw and says i show my butt to people when i have nothing close to sex on the brain. He defi es me through his eyes and only thinks i could possibly ever be thinking of flaunting myself. This is quite ridiculous as it might have held true for his previous gifriends but i am quite self concious and shy with my body.

He has cheated on two past girlfriends but i dont believe he has ever cheated on me. In my past i moved on to a new guy while i was with another guy but i told them as it was happening so felt it was an emotional cheat but i had three other men in my lofe interested in marriage over the years and i waited for the one i loved and wanted for real. I was 30 so i had time to think. I just had to throw my junk out there so it is fair...because he would want me not to share how perfect i am while analyzing him.

Right now i am at a gas station on the way home. I left so i could get a head start since i will get tired and wont have someone switch off to drive for me. They are a few hours behind and will catch up eventually. He said sorry that he didnt think i would have wanted to go withthem last night. I told him he hurt my feelings...that i didn't think we did eachother like that...and that i know that if the shoe was on the other foot he would not be pleased. ...and that we could brainstorm about this when we get home.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd be asking him why you find yourself feeling like the awkward third wheel on his and Xs fun trip?

Answer - it's because he's made the priority for attention, interaction, and everything else. Your the woman he sleeps beside, whereas she's the person he's entertaining, talking with, and going out and doing things with.

Point blank say to him - He better smarten up and show through real actions who his priority he is, or you might stop being around to see it.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I'd be asking him why you find yourself feeling like the awkward third wheel on his and Xs fun trip?
> 
> Answer - it's because he's made the priority for attention, interaction, and everything else. Your the woman he sleeps beside, whereas she's the person he's entertaining, talking with, and going out and doing things with.
> 
> Point blank say to him - He better smarten up and show through real actions who his priority he is, or you might stop being around to see it.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Oops...i just reposted Shaggy's. Haha! I was going to say thanks, Shaggy. He did say he was going out of his way to help her not feel like a third wheel. But really...she is not a shy or awkward girl. I think she would be absolutely fine with us all acting normal like we do during a work day...when I feel like the wife of my husband. I wonder if it will be weird when we get back home. He insisted i stay in a hotel tonight with the dogs instead of drive straight through. Again...i trust them but my tired brain wont stop racing that what if he ditched wifey for his last night of vacation with her? It is very unlikely...but entirely physically possible as he insisted that i do not leave the exit i got off at or he would have to come and find me and make sure i was sleeping at a hotel. Golly!!!
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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I mean even if nothing is happening...the strain on my body right now is ridiculous. Is that something I need to get used to and grow up about? Or might he be concerned about how this is affecting me...rational or not?
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

laroo said:


> Married but happy, I hope you hit the nail on the head. That seems to be the story that he would agree with.
> 
> I definitely get the harassment thing...I have mentioned this about other issues with employees but he said none of them could afford to sue him. I disagree and don't think that matters in a work place. Either way...he shouldnt blow that off.
> 
> ...


Why are you allowing him to drive with her? why isn't she driving her self? 
I get the feeling he is very crafty in convincing you that he's behavior is ok. It is not. After what you have posted there is no way in hell I would let my husband be alone with her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He cheated in past relationships. I think your trust is naive. 

And of course it will be awkward in the office. She usurped your place in his because he allowed it. 

I would tell him never again. She is not a friend. She is an employee. It takes boundaries to be an effective business owner. It also takes boundaries to be an effective husband. Any man who who's another woman above his wife is a man who is deliberately risking his marriage and disrespecting his wife. 

I don't care how much he has apologized. His boundaries were non existent and when he had the choice between you and having fun with her he chose her. He is a man who is still capable of an affair.
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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

He got a van and knew it had only two seats but thought someone could sit in the back. She volunteered but that was just stupid dangerous. My husband insisted I was coming but i proposed only if i could bring our car. I was okay with them riding together because i wanted to be in the car with our dog...my soul dog who will likely be leaving us soon. On the way out i was able to do colorado to cali myself while they traded off. I didnt know that on the way home my husband would insist i get sleep this time (makes sense) but that they would truck on to return the uhaul van in time. Makes sense too but still leaves me uneasy.
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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Just an observation when you first told the story you didn't mention her gender. You just mention your employee. You mostly focused on the dogs. Do you think perhaps that you are trying not to see what is right in front of you? You keep saying that you trust him. Do you really? I kind of think that you just don't want to admit to of that you are very threatened by this woman and very threatened by the way your husband has been handling your relationship.
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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Totally agree on the boundaries. I was happy when she came along because she completely lightened my load so i could pursue other ventures...including house cleaning.  Does it make sense that if i am having a grumpy week or if i am a worry wart...always planning for the worst type of thing...that he would say that he is going to have fun on this trip regardless of how i feel. When he and i went on a trip we had so many things we wanted to do but every day we had to get in the gym...on vacation...and that always threw our schedule off. On this trip we didnt hot the gym once and he isnt beating himself up about it at all. Why did it take another woman to help him relax and have fun? I need an attitude adjustment? Could be...
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

laroo said:


> He got a van and knew it had only two seats but thought someone could sit in the back. She volunteered but that was just stupid dangerous. My husband insisted I was coming but i proposed only if i could bring our car. I was okay with them riding together because i wanted to be in the car with our dog...my soul dog who will likely be leaving us soon. On the way out i was able to do colorado to cali myself while they traded off. I didnt know that on the way home my husband would insist i get sleep this time (makes sense) but that they would truck on to return the uhaul van in time. Makes sense too but still leaves me uneasy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It just seems like you fall into all his justifications. I know its hard to deal with but, being in denial that he can cheat on you and that the relationship with this employee has red flags all over is something you need to face. I am not saying he's cheating but he needs some boundaries ASAP. You also need to put your foot down, stop letting him get away with this.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I feel deep down they are good people with good intentions. Very fun loving...but these little instances keep getting under my skin. I am afraid that my worst nightmare could come true and it consumes my brain. In all actuality...if something was really happening i would be so insulted and hurt and feel he was such a fool. It is easy to walk away from jerks. It would be a huge shock though and i had a panic attack tonight on the road when he told me they had stopped way back behind me (when they said they had to hurry home with the van ahead of me). I felt like they were trying to evade me and get me stuck in a hotel so i wouldnt get home first and realize they had stayed somewhere overnight. I am probably wrong though. He keeps writing how he loves me and how they are resting at a rest stop.
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You seem to be telling your logic and gut to be quiet. When you are ready this would be a good thing for you to read:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

As far as putting my foot down...i am not an ultimatum type girl but one tine he thought i gave him one and he scoffed and said i couldnt give him an ultimatum. What kind of boundaries are fair to ask? My mom and dad dont have friends like this...so i have nothing to go on for what is fair to ask of him.
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Honey, I don't think any reasonable couple has friends like that.

Anything that makes you uncomfortable is fair.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks so much mablenc. I will definitely read that post.
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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Am I overreacting?*



laroo said:


> I felt like they were trying to evade me and get me stuck in a hotel so i wouldnt get home first and realize they had stayed somewhere overnight. I am probably wrong though. He keeps writing how he loves me and how they are resting at a rest stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So did the two of them stay overnight at the rest stop in a rental van?

He is having an emotional affair at the least and has totally set the stage for a physical affair to take place if it hasn't already happened. 

The things your being told all sound way to suspicious and when takeas a whole, sound too well crafted to be true.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

I do hope I didn't come off as being too direct with my message earlier, I do understand how very hard this must be for you and do hope that I'm wrong in my assessment of the situation. I hope you are able to properly evaluate things and figure out what is going on once your back home.

I read this blog post last night, it's very short, but he is very direct about the serious nature of a situation that I suspect is somewhat similar to what is going on here.

Q&A: I'm attracted to a woman at work who is not my wife. How do I deal with this? | The 5 Love Languages®


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Hey, no that is fine. I just hadn't signed in in a while and got so distracted I forgot about this post. I'm finally revisiting it. Thanks for the link. I will check it out. We are in the middle of divorce stuff now.  He asked for a separation about a week after we got home and started messing around with her openly and then during our separation he apparently fell in love with her. ha. so sad. Lots of grief here but I'm getting lots of good advice in another thread I posted. Thanks so much!


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