# How to make divorce as painless as possible without getting Screwed!



## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

I've spent the last couple of days seeking advice online about my marriage. Most of the advice has gone along with my gut feeling and led me to the Considering Divorce forum. You can read my post in the Coping With Infidelity forum for some insight.

My Other Post's tldr: My wife and I are currently in a comfortable place. Semi-happy marriage. However, due to past EA and contact with old flames, my trust has been destroyed. It's been over a year since the last incident and things are relatively calms between us. Wife has tried to R, but after all this time I am still insecure and cannot trust her as much as I need to. I refuse to feel like someone's Plan B and worry about her hiding stuff from me now or in the future.

I am now heavily considering divorce. At this point, I think this will be more of a surprise than not to my wife. What is the best way to approach the subject after all this time. It sounds like in most cases, there is a recent incident or catalyst that lead to this type of discussion. In my case, It might seem like this is coming out of the blue to her. Any advice on how I should approach it? Things not to say or do. I don't hate her or have any negative feelings towards her at this point. I just don't think I can continue like this.

Ultimately, I want to do what's best for my kids without getting screwed. I would also like to make things as painless as possible for both my wife an myself. I don't believe we'll fight and argue about the material things. I'm sure split custody will work for us somehow and I definitely want to be a large part of my kids life. I just don't want to get screwed when it comes to dividing up assets, splitting up the value of the house, debt, child support and alimony. I have no problem doing what's fair. I know it's all based on formulas defined mostly by your state, but are there pitfall I need to be aware of. Things other people wish they had known before progressing. How to prepare for the worst and a spouse that ultimately turns Evil. Ways to safeguard yourself in case they do.

Also, are there any good resources that I should look into or things that I need to do before I file. I will obviously get a consultation with a lawyer. I have a couple of good references from friend that I obtained when I was considering divorce right after her EA and other incidents. 

I have a ****-Ton of research to do, but I wanted to get a thread going where I can ask questions and get some feedback on how I should approach this...

I know it wont be easy, even under the best circumstances. I definitely appreciate any help!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I read your other thread. I think you are on the right track.

My one piece of advice (having gone through a very HIGH PRICED divorce ) -- try to do this as amicably as possible and *avoid using attorneys* until the end when you need to have the settlement agreements looked over scrupulously. Use a mediator as much as possible to avoid driving up the ridiculous fees.

Use the court formulas to help you come up with rough numbers. If you and your wife can sit down like adults, put the bitterness aside, and come up with a fair and equitable division of assets, you can avoid the needless thousands-upon-thousands of dollars that lawyers will charge you to do stupid things like file pleadings and file motions (none of which matter much in the end anyway).

If you live in a no-fault state, you can pretty much assume a 50-50 split of assets, plus some spousal support (for the spouse earning less money) and a court-mandated amount for child support. Be smart and keep YOUR money -- don't give it to the lawyers!

If your wife decides to play hardball, then you WILL have to hire a Pit Bull lawyer. Try to avoid this scenario at all costs. Impress upon her that the lawyers' fees would be better put towards your children's college fund.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Keep bitterness and hard feeling out of negotiations. Don't get hung up on household stuff. Courts don't care about that stuff and its just not worth the fight. 

Be fair and realistic. Try and get an all encompassing settlement. Going line by line takes forever and leads to constant debate. 

Try and workout as much as you can without lawyers. They over complicate everything. Lawyers work in the best interests of one person....the lawyer. Once lawyers get fighting the fees go crazy. They do more to create bitter divorces than anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I haven't read your previous threads, but I am curious, are you in any way in contact with another woman? Email/text/social media? Even if it isn't an EA at this point?...I'm referring to basically the first person that comes to mind as you read this. Because you dont have to be in an EA, sometimes just knowing of a particular option out there can skew your judgment.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I did go back and read your thread. Tough call. Good luck.

I'd hate to see your insecurities result in the demise of your children's parent's marriage. But really, after reading your previous thread, I don't have much else to say. Take care .


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> If your wife decides to play hardball, then you WILL have to hire a Pit Bull lawyer. Try to avoid this scenario at all costs. Impress upon her that the lawyers' fees would be better put towards your children's college fund.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I haven't read your previous threads, but I am curious, are you in any way in contact with another woman? Email/text/social media? Even if it isn't an EA at this point?...I'm referring to basically the first person that comes to mind as you read this. Because you dont have to be in an EA, sometimes just knowing of a particular option out there can skew your judgment.


A good question. In fact, after all your wife's misbehavior, I think it would be natural for you to look at other women and wonder if they provided the combination of attributes you seek and on top of that were trustworthy, which you wife is not.

I think your decision to divorce is probably sound.

You love your wife in a strange way. You have sex but it is not enough to bring you close enough so that she can give herself in a way that would inspire you to do the same. Given her history of hunting for male attention, you have trouble putting your inner self in a vulnerable position.

Most disturbing about your wife is her lack of self confidence. She revisits old relationship to mine for emotional sustenance. That is the pattern of someone really uncertain about herself. She needs IC. You need it, too.

Have you considered discussion of divorce as a starting point for fork in the road? How long before a divorce becomes final in your state? Are you anxious to separate?

Does your wife initiate sex when she fears you are drifting away? Is she giving you duty sex? Is the thought of that unbearable?

Does your wife respect and esteem you as a really good B plan provider?

Is your wife in a profession that she enjoys? 

If you go for divorce can you handle having your kids half the time? That is best for them, really.


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## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> I haven't read your previous threads, but I am curious, are you in any way in contact with another woman? Email/text/social media? Even if it isn't an EA at this point?...I'm referring to basically the first person that comes to mind as you read this. Because you dont have to be in an EA, sometimes just knowing of a particular option out there can skew your judgment.


There is no other woman. In all honesty, I really can't imagine being in any other committed relationship. I will most definitely seek IC at some point. I have a lot of trust issues that I don't think will go away on their own...


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## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Most disturbing about your wife is her lack of self confidence. She revisits old relationship to mine for emotional sustenance. That is the pattern of someone really uncertain about herself. She needs IC. You need it, too.
> 
> Have you considered discussion of divorce as a starting point for fork in the road? How long before a divorce becomes final in your state? Are you anxious to separate?
> 
> ...


She definitely is obsessed with her past relationships I think. We all have them but most of us don't seek them out when things aren't going well in our other relationships. Especially marriage. I think you're right about that.

I have considered talk of divorce as a catalyst for change. But still can't imagine getting my feeling of adequate trust and respect back. We aren't the best communicators to begin with. But it seems like she's more prone to go seeking than to try and bring up and fix issues in our marriage. That's a big problem. I can't fix issues she never brings up.

I am not anxious to separate. The hardest part of all this will be adjusting to not seeing my kids daily I think...

With my wife's lack of intimacy and my conditioned lack of intimacy at this point (she has kind of trained me to not be as intimate by not reciprocating and negativ overt the yearse reactions to casual intimacy/touch. That will be hard to unlearn...). Sex is our primary way of showing real intimacy. My drive is naturally higher and I do believe she initiates more because she knows it's more of a need for guys than because she really wants to. Definitely a problem for me. Especially when it's the most real intimacy we get in a week. Id almost rather not than feel like it's duty sex. Definitely an unbearable aspect of our marriage.

I refuse to be anyone's Plan B. After several days of researching this. I've come to the conclusion that she might be staying in the relationship for the kids and convenience at this point. I believe I'm a much better father than I am an amazing husband. Especially with my wife being unable to communicate her needs to me. Again, I can't fix what I don't know about...

She does have a job she loves and works a couple of days a week. These are the days I wonder most what she might be up to. I think her boundaries of acceptable make relationships is skewed if not broken. So I worry about male coworkers, and her ability to set appropriate boundaries from past experience...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It was my impression from your other thread that your wife is an attention hound. Has she struggled with getting older? It seems like she needs regular assurances that she's still desirable. 

This isn't your fault, unless you ignore her of course. 

Women are constantly told that their value lessens with age. Your see it right here on TAM all the time: men are constantly advised to get someone younger to show his ex and make him feel better, but they don't seem to understand what this mentality creates in the women they love. Seldom will you see a wronged woman advised to find someone younger, she's advised to find a better man. Huge double standard. 

That's why I think it will continue to get worse as she gets older. She defines herself by how well she can still attract lots of men.

And obsessing about past relationships, at least for women, is often a romantic fairy tale where she was so great that the guy just pined for her and never got over her. It's a romance novel thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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