# At a fork in the road



## ~Bella~ (Jul 11, 2013)

I'm at a fork in the road in my marriage, so to speak. While I've known it for some time, ignorance is bliss, and I've usually always turned a blind eye to our differences. 

Now I've hit an age where I'm really starting to think about things in a deeper light, and realise that I won't be on this planet forever. Therefore I need to sort my sh!t out. I want a chance at this ‘happy’ life people speak of, before it’s too late.

Once upon a time I knew I had time on my side. Now I'm at an age where I'm supposed to have it all together, and not be contemplating the big D (I told you it's been on my mind for a long time...). I'm supposed to know where I'm at in life, I'm supposed to be settled, and not be thinking like this. By whom, I'm not sure but isn't it the age old thing - once you hit a certain age you're supposed to just BE?! 

While he is perfectly happy to arrive home each Friday, sink his teeth into a few coldies and do nothing (not ever, not even if planned), I would much prefer to head out for a nice dinner, see a movie, or just chill at home - not surrounded by him swigging a new beer every 10 minutes (ugh). This doesn’t change during the week, either.

I've always had a love of exploring, of seeing the world. When we met, I had the visa, I had the money, and I had the will to do it - I was going to London to take it on - one working-holiday-maker lifestyle at a time. We fell in love, and that went on the back burner. He said he'd promise to take me. 7 years on, and I'm still waiting. I bring it up from time to time, but it's usually always shrugged off with the promise of 'one day'. 

Last weekend, I joked around with him - said I was booking a ticket. He was shocked, but went with it - assuming it was for both of us. When I told him it was just me, he fought it a little. I asked him why we should effectively waste $7K-10K on bringing another one of us when that 'other one of us' has little to no interest in visiting the place. I asked him if he'd be interested in coming. He said not now, 'later on in life'. 

I have little plans of waiting until I'm retired to visit the world.

We've been on one overseas holiday (Bali) 4 years ago, and it was the worst holiday of my life (no exaggeration. While I was sleeping, he'd be partying up in Kuta, arriving back at the hotel at some light hour of the morning 6-8AM absolutely sh!t faced. This continued for most of the whole 10 days we were there. I'd been to Bali several times before, and adored the place - now I never want to go back. This also affects most, if not all of the weekends away (camping) we go on. 

We both smoke. I want to quit, he doesn't. I'm a firm believer in, if I'm going to quit after so many years of being a smoker, I need support. We don't communicate - at all. Unless we're drinking (both of us), and we make conversation - let's face it, a lot easier to do after a few drinks. Other than that, we have no similar interests it seems.

So I pose my question - doesn't this constitute as wanting 'different things in life', or 'growing apart'? Irreconcilable differences?

Please, no suggestions of counselling. We've been there, done that. He says I control him, I say he holds me back.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Are you 40?


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## ~Bella~ (Jul 11, 2013)

No. Why do you ask?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you are supposed to reach an age where you are content and can just 'be.' I think life keeps coming at you and there's always something that could be better; if we're lucky there's always something that could be worse.

You sound like you don't particularly love your H any more. Is this what is going on? Without the love, issues of agreement on how we enjoy life become much larger.

It also sounds like alcohol is a problem between you. If that were addressed, things might look different.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm 47 and I don't feel settled nor do I feel like I can just BE. Life is constantly changing and evolving as I am and my marriage.

Your problem sounds more like an alcohol problem than anything.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

He says I control him, I say he holds me back

You are both right.

Give him the freedom to live his own life... so you can have the freedom to live your life. 

Only thing holding you back is yourself. Why is that?


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Are you a stay at home mom or a house wife?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree that he has an alcohol addiction. I wouldn't want to vacation with a drunk husband either. This would ruin my vacation.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I'd tell him how close he is to getting a divorce. He goes to rehab to sort his stuff out or I'm walking. It sounds like alcohol is his number one priority. To be in a beautifully romantic setting like Bali and use the time to get plastered and party without your wife is pretty upsetting IMO.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Bella, I am sorry. I do agree with the others. He is an alcoholic. You are not married to your husband, you are married to the beer, wine, vodka, etc. Unfortunately the chances of him seeking help and being successful are very slim. It doesn't sound like you have any children and I assume you have a good job - so you are capable of taking care of yourself.

As far as irreconcilable differences or growing apart, I vote for both. When you are married you should want to be with your partner. You should feel better about yourself after having been with them. You should be able to achieve good things together. If your husband was willing to step up to the plate and be the man he could, that would be one thing, but he is being held prisoner by his booze. 

Can you be the best person you can be with husband the way things are, happy, growing, ect.? Or do you need to separate yourself from the toxic environment to achieve that. You are not a bad person no matter which one you pick.

Good luck


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Holding him back? From floating his liver 24/7..maybe.
He sounds weak willed, dependant on booze and nicotine.
Booze must go, and after....if.....that hurdle can be cleared you can both work on supporting each other in stopping smoking.

I want to share something about drinking that will involve the opinion of others as well. I partied a fair amount in my early 20's and drank quite a bit. I never got the urge for more booze until after a 3 day weekend of partying each night and then Tuesday there was this urge for more booze. It was not a crazy shaking withdrawing urge, just a craving that I easily recognized and said "no" to. 
Is it me having a stronger will or does booze nicotine and other addictive substances have a more powerful affect on some people where they can't resist? Not to be conceited in any way or threadjack, just curious.


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## ~Bella~ (Jul 11, 2013)

Thank you to everyone for your responses, and apologies for taking so long to reply. I've been stewing on it all. No surprises there.

You're absolutely right when you say a big factor is the alcohol - it is, always has been and I'm sure, as long as I stay it always will be. In more recent years I've also started to adopt the 'if you can't beat them, join them' approach. Somewhat immature, and definitely destructing - but what am I supposed to do?!

It is so hard. I've got limited support outside of my marriage with him, and as far as his side are concerned - there IS no issue. They all drink, and always have - their parents were and still are big drinkers. Apparently it's ME with the issue.

My own mother is also an alcoholic - though she hasn't drank for the past 10 years due to her epilepsy - and hates every minute of life because of it (her own worst enemy). No support there. When alcohol has ruled him to the extent of me leaving, I've gone to her place to sleep the night, asked for support - received zero. My siblings aren't big drinkers, and because they only see him occasionally they don't see what the issue is (behind close doors...). my father isn't in the picture and hasn't been for many many years. I only have 2 friends (quality over quantity) - one is in NSW, the other I have stopped talking to about it because it's ruled my life for so long (the fighting it, and vomiting the words all over her every time I've seen her), that I know if I continue I will lose that friendship (if I haven't already).

Because of the lack of support I struggled to be confident in my leaving. I have left before, twice in fact, and because of the lack of support I have gone back.

It's a vicious circle.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bella,
I"m sorry you feel stuck. Many of us have. The sticky part is support. But it's support of yourself that can make the difference. 

Taking back power and control for your own life. The big thing no one wants to tell you. The reason people get tired of hearing the stories. "If you aren't happy about it, do something about it".

That was definately me last year. Now... I feel that I do have the support (in myself) to make my life better. All by myself. 

Sometimes you don't get a lot of support.. because it's not necessary. People see you as quite capable of fixing this all by yourself. So it comes off as choosing to be miserable. 

Take that as a compliment.


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## ~Bella~ (Jul 11, 2013)

Thank you for your kind words. 

That may very well be the case for some, but I can assure you it's not for me. I have tried, _boy _have I tried, but being a the personality type that I am - I thrive off, and NEED support around me during hard times. 

I can think back to many hard times throughout my life (this is not a pity party), and each time I've successfully come out the other side better, not worse, has been when I've had support around me - friends / family / psychologist. I am contemplating seeing a psychologist once a fortnight or so - this has helped before.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Bella,
I used to think that too. If I failed.... there was a reason. Someone did not help me enough, I did not have enough support.

Sometimes we just aren't ready, we take baby steps, and sometimes we just make mistakes.

It's no one fault but my own when I fail. And I don't fail. I made an attempt. I made a change. That's what counts. I didn't sit still and wait for someone else to do it for me  

But it's okay to want support. To reassure yourself you are doing the right thing. 

Maybe sometimes it's not about being happy, but just being yourself. Giving yourself permission to be yourself. Just because.

You never know what adventure in life that may stir up.


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