# Sort of bisexual; female friend a threat to husband?



## tzeitel (Apr 12, 2011)

A couple of months ago I met a girl off a LJ community who lives in my city. Turned out we had a lot in common, and we started to become friends. I've invited her out many times with my husband and other friends. But yesterday, I kind of admitted to my husband that I have a "girl crush" on her. She is straight, might I add.

Now, I've had feelings for girls in the past, but have never considered myself bisexual, because I have never been sexual with a girl. All of my partners have only been male. When I pick apart how I feel about her, I think that she's absolutely adorable, beautiful, smart, funny, etc. Sometimes I fantasize about her, but not in a sexual way. At least, not in a way that most men think like. 

So after I told my husband how I felt, I told him that she isn't a threat, and that I don't see her as something I could date for the "long haul", because 1. I'm married, 2. I'm only sexually attracted for the most part to men.

It doesn't seem to matter to him, though. He thinks of it as emotional cheating and says that he wants to be the only person that I am attracted to, sexually or not. He made me delete her number out of my phone. I feel bad because I don't have that many close friends and I was really excited of the idea of having someone I could talk to like her. I wouldn't want to stop being her friend because then she'd wonder why I out of the blue started talking to her, especially considering she is straight. She wouldn't understand.

I don't know what to do. I want to keep being her friend, but I don't want to make things worse in my marriage.

Thoughts/suggestions, anyone? Thanks.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He thinks he can dictate who you are attracted to? That seems a bit silly.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

tzeitel said:


> A couple of months ago I met a girl off a LJ community who lives in my city. Turned out we had a lot in common, and we started to become friends. I've invited her out many times with my husband and other friends. But yesterday, I kind of admitted to my husband that I have a "girl crush" on her. She is straight, might I add.
> 
> Now, I've had feelings for girls in the past, but have never considered myself bisexual, because I have never been sexual with a girl. All of my partners have only been male. When I pick apart how I feel about her, I think that she's absolutely adorable, beautiful, smart, funny, etc. Sometimes I fantasize about her, but not in a sexual way. At least, not in a way that most men think like.
> 
> ...


Hi there,

Excellent question. I hope I can help as I had a similar experience because my wife is bisexual, and we had major marriage problems a couple of years ago. To sum it up, my wife had an emotional affair with another woman and our marriage was nearly over. From my experience, the gender of the other person doesn't make a difference when dealing with an emotional connection. An emotional connection can rip a marriage apart. For a marriage to work in the long term your spouse needs to come first. From the sound of your post, I would say that the reason that you feel drawn to this other person is because you have lost that original connection with your spouse. Would that be fair to say? Please let me know if I'm off-base. 

You sound like you have a big desire to connect but your husband isn't giving you that, and you feel like you can get that with this friend. But I can tell you from personal experience that "Just friends" can destroy a marriage. "Just friends" often leads to emotional or physical affairs. It sounds like your marriage is in trouble, and my advice would be to start focusing on rebuilding your marriage. When my wife & I were having problems, I also tried to find an emotional connection with another friend. But then, after a period of personal discovery (doing meditation, self-help, & the marriage fitness program), I started to realize the damage these other connections had on my marriage. I worked really hard on assessing what damaging behaviours I was bringing to the marriage and the full impact of an emotional connection with another person. After that, I devoted and disciplined myself to becoming the best damn husband I could be , constantly giving to my wife and trying to get inside her head to understand how she felt and why she felt the need to search elsewhere for an emotional connection. The answer was that I was a lousy husband. In fact from your post I would say I was alot like your husband - forcing her to delete numbers, demanding that I be the only one she was attracted to, etc. You can never demand/manipulate your spouse to do anything if you want a healthy marriage. 

From your perspective, he is being very unreasonable, and I understand that. He definitely is. But you can't control that - you can only control yourself and the impact you have on your marriage. There is always dual-responsibility in a marriage breakdown. I would advise to try to think about the ways you have contributed to the problems in your marriage, and go about fixing them. If you become a phenomenal spouse, your husband will most likely respond and realize the ways he has contributed to the marriage breakdown, and then you will have that connection back and have no desire to go elsewhere to seek emotional intimacy. This is what happened to me and my marriage. I was astounded. I couldn't believe it.

This doesn't mean you can't have friends. Far from it. My wife & I have plenty of friends, but there is a line. For example, I only talk about my deepest fears and secrets with me wife. 

Wow, I have waffled on for a bit , but I hope my advice helps you. I have been in the same position and know how difficult it is.

All the best.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I don't condone an EA with any member of sex, whether you're straight or bi-sexual.

If you know or suspect your spouse is bi-sexual, have you spoke about it - considered how difficult it is for them to control this "urge" and decided how you BOTH are going to handle it?

My husband came out that he was bi-sexual last year.

Yes it was a huge shock and had me wondering what was wrong with me, etc.

But I did adjust. It was as confusing for him as me because he had always identified as straight and for him, it came out of nowhere too (post-TBI).

So instead of being scared of something I couldn't understand, I embraced this newfound knowledge. Yes, it was hard, but I've accepted it and am no longer threatened by it.

In fact, I took it one step further and helped him to discover his feelings for men. It in no way took away his love for me and the love I felt, but allowed him to explore something that was nagging deep inside of him that he couldn't understand either.

It worked for us and I'm happier for it. At least I don't have to wonder about anything going on behind my back. I'm there, I'm involved and I'm aware.

For me, that makes it easier than the unknown.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I don't condone an EA with any member of sex, whether you're straight or bi-sexual.
> 
> If you know or suspect your spouse is bi-sexual, have you spoke about it - considered how difficult it is for them to control this "urge" and decided how you BOTH are going to handle it?
> 
> ...



Nothing is wrong with you but I hope you understand the risk you take with your husband. Men who participate in homosexual activities statistically tend to have multiple partners and put you at risk of contracting STD's including AIDS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tzeitel said:


> A couple of months ago I met a girl off a LJ community who lives in my city. Turned out we had a lot in common, and we started to become friends. I've invited her out many times with my husband and other friends. But yesterday, I kind of admitted to my husband that I have a "girl crush" on her. She is straight, might I add.
> 
> Now, I've had feelings for girls in the past, but have never considered myself bisexual, because I have never been sexual with a girl. All of my partners have only been male. When I pick apart how I feel about her, I think that she's absolutely adorable, beautiful, smart, funny, etc. Sometimes I fantasize about her, but not in a sexual way. At least, not in a way that most men think like.
> 
> ...


It sounds to me that you are sexually attracted to this woman and your husband is seeing it too. 

You say things like you are attracted to men 'for the most part'. That you aren't bi-sexual, because you have never been with a woman. You say your fantasies about her are not sexual ... 'not in a way that most men think like'. But this is saying they are sexual ... 'in the way you think'.

I think if you were to be honest, if this friend made a pass at you, you would go for it. The attraction and feelings are there. I understand why your husband feels threatened.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you care about your marriage, you should do what your husband wants you to do in this scenario. You can't be in a successful marriage and have strong crushes on anyone else, male of female. Don't rationalize it all away.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It's hard to imagine not being sure (for one's self) if the attraction was sexual and/or a threat to the marriage, but that's what I'm getting here.

For the sake of the marriage, it is better to err on the side of caution if there is any doubt whether this could be a threat or not. I'd be the first one to say, if you are clear in your mind that there is no threat (male or female friend), then do not give up a friendship that is important to you; giving up things b/c of someone else's insecurities is always a mistake and does more harm than good. But, if you are unsure, already feeling a touch of attraction, or there is even, at some future point, even a hint of a feeling of attraction, then you are honor-bound to give up the friendship.

oops--I should add, if you've cheated in any way before, then the issue of insecurity is the opposite. An honorable person does not give in to someone else's unfounded insecurities. An honorable person who broke trust and wants to re-establish it, totally and completely embraces the fact that the trust is gone and s/he must always accommodate the well-founded fears of the partner who was hurt by the transgression.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course if you are gay/bisexual, then what?


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I believe everyone has a Bi in her and thats hot, don't be afraid of you emotions as long as not destroying your marriage, your husband is a lucky man lol. why dont you move that feeling to include all the three of you.


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