# Was never "in love".



## PhilHW (Sep 6, 2012)

Ive been married 16 years. About 18 years ago I met my wife. I started hanging out with the group of poeple she was hanging out with. We did many thing together as a group. At the time I was in a relationship. My girlfriend was at college and not around. My girlfriend at the time said she wanted to focus on school and wasnt shure how much time she was gonna have. I basicly got dumped. So now I was single. One of our friends told me my now wife liked me. Our friends kept bugging me to go out with her because I was single. I liked her but more as frinds. So I went ahead and asked her out. Well we were together all the time and it was kinda getting to me. I didnt have the heart to say anything. We got along great but I just wanted some space. Several times I was going to break it off but I couldnt do it. Well time passed and nothing changed and we got pregnant. I wasnt ready to be a father. I was kind of a partier/slacker. So I decided I would do the right thing, with plenty of nudging from the parents on both sides. So I married her and made my daughter the most important thing in my life. It was the first time in my life I had some kind of direction. My daughter was a true blessing. I got my **** together and took care of them the best I could. Fast forward 16 years. we now have 2 children. Why am I so unhappy? Well I spent most of the past 16 years pretending to be a happy father and husband. Pretending to be a solid family. Pretending to be in love. Nobody would ever know Im not and never was in love with my wife. I always stuck it out and have always felt strongly about accountability. We have always gotten compliments on our marriage and our children. Dont get me wrong I do love and respect her for being a good wife and mother. But for me somethings always been missing. Ive been living a lie. Within the last year this has been weighing on me heavily. I feel very empty and alone even though shes there for me. I know she loves me and is in love with me. That makes me feel even worse. Ive been spending alot of time alone. Im not focused and Ive just been kinda empty around her. Shes worried and has expressed it to me. I tell her Im in a funk and Im trying working through it. Oh and I have never cheated. But I did recently meet a women at work who seemed very familiar and it felt like Ive always known her. We got along really well, had some things in common and flirted a little. Im usually quiet and a little shy around attractive women but I had a confidence Ive never had upon meeting someone. Im no longer working with her but I wished I could have asked her out. Not shure what to do. I think I can get back to where I was before, but I will definatly be sacraficing my happiness. Or does true happiness come from inside and the other stuff doesnt matter? I would like to hear some feedback from others in similar situations or just anyones perspective. Sory for the novel but does feel good to get this out.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I can say reading through this, given the time frame with getting married and the children; sounds very much like someone I am quite close to and the marriage they were in. Eventually she built up enough confidence and had the ability to get out of the relationship and move on. She was not with a good person though (not just not in love, but stuck with a bad person). It took some time, but she eventually found someone who makes her happy and her life couldn't be better right now.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

I'm so glad that you didn't ask that other woman out & cheated on your wife. Spend some time over on the CWI Forum to read the devastating stories.

My only advice is to divorce before cheating should you find yourself meeting another woman.

Good luck.


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## PhilHW (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Im not gonna cheat. I would have done it already. Im not sure what Im going to do.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I think you already know what you have to do.

You already said it, flat out, you are living a lie. You have been living a lie for the better part of two decades. At this point you need to put your wife first. How is it fair that you've duped her into a lie of a marriage? If she truly is in love with you, the woman has lived decades thinking that she's in a loving, solid marriage. Meanwhile the truth is her husband is not, and never has been, in love with her.

Your mistake was not only robbing yourself of 18 years of potential happiness with someone you actually belong with, but you also robbed your wife of the same opportunity.

The decent thing would be to confess what you're telling us to your wife, and you guys can begin the process of dissolving your marriage. It's based on a pack of lies, and a lot of well meaning. It's time to be courageous and give your wife, and yourself, the freedom to find a life of authenticity, a life truly worth living.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

What is it about your wife that makes you feel you were lacking in connection? History? Values? Intellect?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I think you already know what you have to do.
> 
> You already said it, flat out, you are living a lie. You have been living a lie for the better part of two decades. At this point you need to put your wife first. How is it fair that you've duped her into a lie of a marriage? If she truly is in love with you, the woman has lived decades thinking that she's in a loving, solid marriage. Meanwhile the truth is her husband is not, and never has been, in love with her.
> 
> ...


If the wife has been happy and has been glad that she was married during this time, she has been duped out of nothing. Just maybe she has had a happy life. This wouldn't change that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> If the wife has been happy and has been glad that she was married during this time, she has been duped out of nothing. Just maybe she has had a happy life. This wouldn't change that.


It's quite obvious from this and some of your other posts that you know nothing of betrayal. It seems you quite literally don't know what betrayal is.


Do you really believe that her H gave her all the love she deserved? How could he when he never loved her? He's massively betrayed her from the get go with his marriage vows.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I could have written this post almost myself. I am in a marriage just like yours. We pretend that we are happy and to everyone I hit the jackpot with the guy I have. My husband is not a bad person but he is not right for me. We just are not inlove and we have just stayed together because I am too scared to hurt his feelings and mess up my kids lives. I would rather stay with him for their sakes but I believe I would raise them better on my own. 

I long to be inlove and find someone who makes me happy and loves me back. 

I have no advice as I am searching for some of my own but just wanted to say that you are not alone, just lonely.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

maybe re-search meaning in life based on your new sets of conditions.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If the wife has been happy and has been glad that she was married during this time, she has been duped out of nothing. Just maybe she has had a happy life. This wouldn't change that.


Are you serious? So learning, after nearly 20 years, that this woman's husband has NEVER been in love with her is not a deep, egregious, and mortifying betrayal to you?

So if her husband confessed that he's never been attracted to her, and is actually a gay man, should she likewise go "Oh, don't worry, I've enjoyed the lie. We've had a happy life! I don't feel duped at all!"?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Are you serious? So learning, after nearly 20 years, that this woman's husband has NEVER been in love with her is not a deep, egregious, and mortifying betrayal to you?
> 
> So if her husband confessed that he's never been attracted to her, and is actually a gay man, should she likewise go "Oh, don't worry, I've enjoyed the lie. We've had a happy life! I don't feel duped at all!"?


Look at it without that confession. If the wife has been happy during the marriage, that is what should be focused on. If she has been happy, then it is not a wasted marriage for her. She doesn't need to know he was never in love with her. I sure wouldn't want to know that. If I was happy during the those 18 years, let me be happy living the reality I had.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Look at it without that confession. If the wife has been happy during the marriage, that is what should be focused on. If she has been happy, then it is not a wasted marriage for her. She doesn't need to know he was never in love with her. I sure wouldn't want to know that. If I was happy during the those 18 years, let me be happy living the reality I had.


So now she doesn't even deserve to know what he did to her?

So what exactly should he tell the woman if he leaves the marriage? According to him the poor woman is under the impression that they have had a great marriage, the kind people envy. They're suppose to be so in love. Does he make up yet another life altering lie, thus making their entire relationship, from the start, to the finish, one big lie?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My take is marriages that start out because the woman got pregnant and there was no love rarely last. I've known LOTS of marriages like this and they all ended. Every last one of them....no exceptions.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I have a different perspective here. I happen to believe 'love' is more learned than a 'feeling' thing. As one Pastor once said in an answer to "how do I know if I married the right person"; He answered "are you married?", "yes", "then you married the right person!"

Love is more a choice than a feeling it is often said. Feelings come and go.
And yes, even after years of no feelings, I believe one can learn to love.

Sorry for sounding 'preachy', but I don't beleive in the 'fairy tale'.
Yes, many people find that extremely special person, but I think most do not. Or they find that special person but the feelings go away after the honeymoon phase.

I realize Phil has gone through 16 years of numbness, but I still beleive he can learn to love his wife. And make the best of a situation. No life is perfect. Most are far from it. Maybe he has more blessings than he realizes?

Just another school of thought


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> I have a different perspective here. I happen to believe 'love' is more learned than a 'feeling' thing. As one Pastor once said in an answer to "how do I know if I married the right person"; He answered "are you married?", "yes", "then you married the right person!"


Had a friend who knew she didn't love her husband...ever. She got married because she was pregnant. For 10 years she TRIED....omg how she tried to love her husband. She truly did. She acted loving towards him, had lots of sex, and in the end it just wasn't enough. She couldn't manufacture feelings for someone that she never had feelings for in the first place.

She has since divorced him and is happily with someone else that she does love. She has no regrets other than she wished she would have left sooner.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Sorry for sounding 'preachy', but I don't beleive in the 'fairy tale'.


Doesn't mean the "fairy tale" isn't real.

Just means you've never lived it.

It's very easy to sermonize from the armchair. An entirely different matter when you know the "fairy tale" is real, is amazing, and you hope that others find exactly that.


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## splittingatoms (Sep 7, 2012)

I feel your pain my brother.I am almost in a mirror image situation.I did have feeling for my wife when we got married but I dont think it was full out love.I cant say that my marriage was a mistake because we have two wonderful kids together so I never regretted getting married.But after the last 5 to 6 years I am so empty inside that it is eating me alive.I wish I had some kind of good advice for you, I am trying to do the same as you my bro.


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## PhilHW (Sep 6, 2012)

Jorgegene I am blessed. I have two amazing children who are better poeple than I was as a teen. My wife too has been a good wife. Thats why I am still here and probably not going anywhere anytime soon. I have always tried to make the best of my situation. Sometimes I feel selfish for even thinking about my true feelings.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Wait until your children are grown then divorce. Many people do.

You will feel less guilty.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

FalconKing said:


> What is it about your wife that makes you feel you were lacking in connection? History? Values? Intellect?


I suspect it's like The Boss says: you can't start a fire, you can't start a fire without a spark.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

PhilHW said:


> Jorgegene I am blessed. I have two amazing children who are better poeple than I was as a teen. My wife too has been a good wife. Thats why I am still here and probably not going anywhere anytime soon. I have always tried to make the best of my situation. Sometimes I feel selfish for even thinking about my true feelings.


Decent people on the whole are able to set a balance between their own and others happiness. It's only the jerks that think purely of their own needs. The hardest thing to answer is where that balance lies and, once kids are involved, it becomes a million times harder again. You have my deepest sympathy on this one.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PhilHW said:


> Jorgegene I am blessed. I have two amazing children who are better poeple than I was as a teen. My wife too has been a good wife. Thats why I am still here and probably not going anywhere anytime soon. I have always tried to make the best of my situation*. Sometimes I feel selfish for even thinking about my true feelings*.


As oppose to being selfish about lying to your wife for 18 years, thus robbing her of the chance to find real love all these years? It would be a completely different matter if your wife knew you were never in love with her, and chose to stay regardless. As it stands that is not the case, and the woman is living a lie.

It's a bit disconcerting that you continue talking about your feelings, your sacrifices, your pain. Man, what about your unsuspecting, totally duped WIFE?

:scratchhead:


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## splittingatoms (Sep 7, 2012)

jaquen said:


> As oppose to be selfish about lying to your wife for 18 years, thus robbing her of the chance to find real love all these years? It would be a completely different matter if your wife knew you were never in love with her, and chose to stay regardless. As it stands that is not the case, and the woman is living a lie.
> 
> It's a bit disconcerting that you continue talking about your feelings, your sacrifices, your pain. Man, what about your unsuspecting, totally duped WIFE?
> 
> :scratchhead:


 I agree to a point with you jaquen.He said they got pregnant so he felt he had to do the right thing.Some men have a stricter morale code than other men.I am in no way,shape, or form trying to be insulting to other men.Its just somethings the things we do,we do it because we wont compromise our morals.I know people are gonna say that true morale thing to do is tell her the truth but its easier said than done.Some mens principles are what defines them and they will not in any way break or bend their principles because to do that would be going against everything they believe.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> I have a different perspective here. I happen to believe 'love' is more learned than a 'feeling' thing. As one Pastor once said in an answer to "how do I know if I married the right person"; He answered "are you married?", "yes", "then you married the right person!"
> 
> Love is more a choice than a feeling it is often said. Feelings come and go.
> And yes, even after years of no feelings, I believe one can learn to love.
> ...


That is one way of looking at things. But if that person is out there that is the extremely special person where it is in the feelings. Wouldn't that be much better than having to work so hard at it. Love shouldn't take so much work, it should be more natural.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> As oppose to be selfish about lying to your wife for 18 years, thus robbing her of the chance to find real love all these years? It would be a completely different matter if your wife knew you were never in love with her, and chose to stay regardless. As it stands that is not the case, and the woman is living a lie.
> 
> It's a bit disconcerting that you continue talking about your feelings, your sacrifices, your pain. Man, what about your unsuspecting, totally duped WIFE?
> 
> :scratchhead:


If she really loves him, and he treats her well, then she has been in a loving relationships that is real. The reality of it for her has been real. That is the important part.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If she really loves him, and he treats her well, then she has been in a loving relationships that is real. The reality of it for her has been real. That is the important part.


We've already established that you don't give a damn about this woman's right to know the truth about one of the most important relationship in her entire life.

There is no need to rehash your...interesting perspective.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

splittingatoms said:


> I agree to a point with you jaquen.He said they got pregnant so he felt he had to do the right thing.Some men have a stricter morale code than other men.I am in no way,shape, or form trying to be insulting to other men.Its just somethings the things we do,we do it because we wont compromise our morals.I know people are gonna say that true morale thing to do is tell her the truth but its easier said than done.Some mens principles are what defines them and they will not in any way break or bend their principles because to do that would be going against everything they believe.


Actually what he said was that he was in a relationship with this women for quite awhile before they got married, and he still wasn't in love with her. THEN they got pregnant. The pretending and lies started before the marriage and kids.

If this is the case, where was this "morality" and where were these "principles" when he slept with her before marriage? When he spent 16 years in a marriage pretending to love his wife? Where he regrets not asking another woman out who is not his wife?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> We've already established that you don't give a damn about this woman's right to know the truth about one of the most important relationship in her entire life.
> 
> There is no need to rehash your...interesting perspective.


I was trying to speak of the reality that there is. Just because my view is different than yours, does not mean it should just be dismissed and done away with. 
To me, reality is actually what is being lived. Whether that is the truth or a lie, it IS what is being lived. If I found out tomorrow that I was adopted, it wouldn't change the life I have actually lived. The reality that has been, would still be the same.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Actually what he said was that he was in a relationship with this women for quite awhile before they got married, and he still wasn't in love with her. THEN they got pregnant. The pretending and lies started before the marriage and kids.
> 
> If this is the case, where was this "morality" and where were these "principles" when he slept with her before marriage? When he spent 16 years in a marriage pretending to love his wife? Where he regrets not asking another woman out who is not his wife?


So it was a crime that he was in a relationship with her at all before they got married? When people are first in relationships they are feeling things out, trying to find out what they really feel. Sometimes feelings for people develop as they get to know the person, it does happen. People develop feelings for others after they get to know, sometimes years down the road for various reasons. And the idea of sleeping with someone he didn't have feelings, that's not a new concept.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I was trying to speak of the reality that there is. Just because my view is different than yours, does not mean it should just be dismissed and done away with.
> To me, reality is actually what is being lived. Whether that is the truth or a lie, it IS what is being lived. If I found out tomorrow that I was adopted, it wouldn't change the life I have actually lived. The reality that has been, would still be the same.


The reality is that her husband married her 16 years ago, and has been pretending to be in love with her that entire time. 

So if you're so supportive of "reality", then we're on the same page. Because I simply feel this man needs to find the courage to inform his wife of what the reality is, and shatter the illusions and lies.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> The reality is that her husband married her 16 years ago, and has been pretending to be in love with her that entire time.
> 
> So if you're so supportive of "reality", then we're on the same page. Because I simply feel this man needs to find the courage to inform his wife of what the reality is, and shatter the illusions and lies.


The two realities for these people are different. Hers is not the same as his. For her that is okay, because she is happy (as long as that is the case). For him, he isn't happy in his reality. I think he has done the noble thing of keeping of the good perception and being the dutiful husband and father. When kids are involved it's not easy, but choosing to stay in a situation like this, shouldn't be looked down upon. Seems he has tried to make the best of the situation for more people than just himself. He wasn't thinking of only himself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I think you already know what you have to do.
> 
> You already said it, flat out, you are living a lie. You have been living a lie for the better part of two decades. At this point you need to put your wife first. How is it fair that you've duped her into a lie of a marriage? If she truly is in love with you, the woman has lived decades thinking that she's in a loving, solid marriage. Meanwhile the truth is her husband is not, and never has been, in love with her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

She deserves better, too. What has she given to this marriage?
Children, dedication, devotion, love, understanding, sympathy,empathy, compassion; are these a waste of time? It's gonna devastate her, if she doesn't already know.

Maybe see a counselor before you do anything?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

gbrad said:


> The two realities for these people are different.  Hers is not the same as his. For her that is okay, because she is happy (as long as that is the case). For him, he isn't happy in his reality. I think he has done the noble thing of keeping of the good perception and being the dutiful husband and father. When kids are involved it's not easy, but choosing to stay in a situation like this, shouldn't be looked down upon. Seems he has tried to make the best of the situation for more people than just himself. He wasn't thinking of only himself.


He has and that is respectable. However, they may have been better off apart. Wouldn't it better to live the truth rather than a lie? This is a terrible situation for both. 

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.


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## PhilHW (Sep 6, 2012)

She would be devistated and I couldnt do that to her or my children. Actually all these replies are greatly appreciated even the ones that are basicly telling me im a terrible person and douche bag. Im doing alot of thinking. Maybe I can live with being an a-hole if it means not hurting them. Or maybe Im just a coward. Shes my best friend. But thats all its always been for me. Maybe Im lucky to have her. Most poeple I know have had or are in really bad relationships. In this relationship its just me suffering right now. If I do something drastic it will be all of us suffering. Hmm.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> He has and that is respectable. However, they may have been better off apart. Wouldn't it better to live the truth rather than a lie? This is a terrible situation for both.
> 
> Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.


Maybe it is just me, but I would rather live a happy lie, than an unhappy truth.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you sure you never loved her? Imagine your life without her. Seek counseling and MC before making any decisions. Maybe you will find that deep down you do love her and just miss that spark from dating her. Two kids together and it took this long to say "gee I never loved her" hmmm maybe you are telling yourself this because you are interested in another woman and so to not feel guilty you are telling yourself you were never happy. This happens alot and then after being apart you find out later you really did love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

PhilHW said:


> She would be devistated and I couldnt do that to her or my children. Actually all these replies are greatly appreciated even the ones that are basicly telling me im a terrible person and douche bag. Im doing alot of thinking. Maybe I can live with being an a-hole if it means not hurting them. Or maybe Im just a coward. Shes my best friend. But thats all its always been for me. Maybe Im lucky to have her. Most poeple I know have had or are in really bad relationships. In this relationship its just me suffering right now. If I do something drastic it will be all of us suffering. Hmm.


That makes complete sense Phil. Rock and hard place is where you are at.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She deserves better, too. What has she given to this marriage?
> Children, dedication, devotion, love, understanding, sympathy,empathy, compassion; are these a waste of time? It's gonna devastate her, if she doesn't already know.
> ...


Exactly.

Bottom line here, the OP's suffering is not the major point here. The OP went into the situation with eyes wide open, knowing full well from the get go that he wasn't in love with her. He got to make his bed, even if he's miserable lying in it.

But this woman didn't get the luxury of such choice. For nearly 20 years she's had an elaborate lie foisted on her. What choices would she have made if her husband wasn't spending all these years lying to her? Perhaps she would have had the opportunity to choose love, instead of duty. We will never know, because the OP didn't give her the basic human respect you'd give a stranger, and tell the woman the truth.

And it sounds like he still won't.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Maybe it is just me, but I would rather live a happy lie, than an unhappy truth.


But what fool would live an unhappy truth for over two decades?


Seems to me that’s exactly what the OP has been doing for the past two decades and continues to do so. And it seems you think his wife should be grateful or something because he’s “sacrificed”.


Who on earth wants to be married to a person who’s sacrificed their chance of love and happiness to marry you? It’s a crazy notion to even think let alone believe their partner will ever be truly loved by the person who sacrificed.


There’ll be a massive amount of resentment within the person who sacrificed their happiness to get married.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> But what fool would live an unhappy truth for over two decades?
> 
> 
> Seems to me that’s exactly what the OP has been doing for the past two decades and continues to do so. And it seems you think his wife should be grateful or something because he’s “sacrificed”.
> ...


Well it seems as if this fool was doing it for the children. I don't think that should be discredited. 

Grateful for the sacrafice? To some extent yes. If I was with someone for 20 years that I was madly in love with and they spent that time acting like they were in love with me. I would be grateful they did that for me because I got to have the person I was madly in love with.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Phil, mate, you're saying that she is your best friend. So i presume you enjoy her company. Is that right? This lack of satisfaction with your marriage, did it had a sudden surge due to this other woman appearing in your life?

You may need to equate if this whole "was never in love" isn't being magnified by this new actress on scene.

You seem to have a good relationship, with a woman who loves you and you have kids. Maybe you didn't have a fairytale romance with her but what you have does have some value. Heck, i bet half the guys in here would give an arm to have such a woman by their sides (in comparison to what they really had).

And don't you go for that "soulmate" nonsense. There are plenty of people out there who have had dozens of "soulmates" just to find out about reality later on. 

Truth is, even without the chemical rush of being "in love" you have it better than many guys. Are you that sick of it?

Like someone else said. Imagine yourself alone. Would you be better? If you would not, maybe this is one of those cases where the lawn seems greener on that other side.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If I was with someone for 20 years that I was madly in love with and they spent that time acting like they were in love with me. I would be grateful they did that for me because I got to have the person I was madly in love with.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

costa200 said:


> And don't you go for that "soulmate" nonsense. There are plenty of people out there who have had dozens of "soulmates" just to find out about reality later on.
> 
> Truth is, even without the chemical rush of being "in love" you have it better than many guys. Are you that sick of it?


I'd give the OP the exact opposite perspective.

There aren't enough people here on TAM talking about the joys of being "in love", and finding that "soulmate".

It might be easy to recommend somebody stay in a loveless marriage they're miserable in when you're in a much worse situation. But there are those of us who are in wonderful marriages, who are IN LOVE with our soulmates, who come from the perspective that real love is worth searching for, and can be a beautiful reality. 

Phucked over, bitter people don't have the monoply on "reality". They, sadly, just have the monopoly on being phucked over, and bitter.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If I was with someone for 20 years that I was madly in love with and they spent that time acting like they were in love with me. I would be grateful they did that for me because * I got to have the person I was madly in love with. *


If you got to have the person you were madly in love with *for how long???*
Because, once you found out they were *acting the entire time *, you would be devastated, would you not?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> If you got to have the person you were madly in love with *for how long???*
> Because, once you found out they were *acting the entire time *, you would be devastated, would you not?


If I found...I would not be devastated. I would be grateful to them and a little sad for them. I would feel bad that they did that for me and I didn't make them happier. But I would have still had my happiness so I wouldn't have reason to be devastated.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

I understand your situation. I have always said "love is a commitment, not a feeling". And this is great advice... except now I'm in the same boat. I still feel its true, I just dont want to face it... I dont love my husband, and I didn't ever. I care for him, but, I cannot bring myself to love him. I've had love- I know what its like... thsi isnt it. I find that I don't want to try. I cringe inside when he tries to touch me. He's trying, he's nice to me, or being oblivious, or acting as tho nothing is wrong. He knows it is. We just exist in thee same house. I tried to bring some of this up yesterday and he just sits. I talk, then wait... nothing. I said, "you really dont say much do you?" And he said, "There's not much to say." Well, I want to communicate EVERYTHING. He doesn't. Ignore it, it'll go away, he thinks. Not so. It grows. So, we exist, avoiding being in the same rooms if we can. Or, I do. I dread coming home. I dont want to hurt him, but, I dont want to go on with this charade. I too, am living a lie. But, like Jorgegene said, if you're married, that is who you should be with. That's just how I feel. I too, understand, but, cannot give advice, as I have the same exact issue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kgirl said:


> But, like Jorgegene said, if you're married, that is who you should be with.


That's the kind of bad advice that unfortunately has kept people in horrendous, sometimes abusive, relationships long after they should have left.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"But, like Jorgegene said, if you're married, that is who you should be with."

There is a point where one has to leave, I fully aknowledge. Abuse, mental or verbal, (and lying into the marriage by the way which in many churches can result in anullment), Infidelity big time. Serious breach of marriage is cause for leaving.

But did we mean those words "for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of our lives, till death do us part". Did we say those words?
Did we swear before our families, friends and God almighty? (some of us didn't, I know, I'm not reffering to those).

Did we say those words? Did we mean them? Did we mean them then, but we don't mean them now?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> But did we mean those words "for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of our lives, till death do us part". Did we say those words?
> Did we swear before our families, friends and God almighty? (some of us didn't, I know, I'm not reffering to those).
> 
> Did we say those words? Did we mean them? Did we mean them then, but we don't mean them now?


People say those words all the time and unfortunately don't realize the magnitude of them, or said them to people with whom they should never have been bonded with in the first place.

There is also the recommendation that marriage not be entered into lightly, and unadvisedly. That still happens regardless. 

Marriage is a sacred, wonderful, and beautiful institution. But people make mistakes. While we are absolutely slipping out of marriages too easily, and millions are just giving up, their are plenty of valid reasons why one should divorce.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained from staying in a marriage indefinitely when it's become nothing but wall to wall "worse", with "better" making but the rarest of appearances.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> People say those words all the time and unfortunately don't realize the magnitude of them, or said them to people with whom they should never have been bonded with in the first place.
> 
> There is also the recommendation that marriage not be entered into lightly, and unadvisedly. That still happens regardless.
> 
> ...


Well said!!!!

I think several people here have made the point that just 'feelings' are not valid reasons for leaving a marriage. I know people differ on this. I also know that things are not necessarily black and white. I'm not here to judge, only give my own opinions for whatever they are worth.

Phil, I know you have a gut wrenching decision to make and you've heard a number of great points of view.

Ponder deeply friend (pray hard if you are God believing, or if not
do your soul searching). Make you decision and it will be the right one. Good luck to you.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

PhilHW said:


> She would be devistated and I couldnt do that to her or my children. Actually all these replies are greatly appreciated even the ones that are basicly telling me im a terrible person and douche bag. Im doing alot of thinking. Maybe I can live with being an a-hole if it means not hurting them. Or maybe Im just a coward. Shes my best friend. But thats all its always been for me. Maybe Im lucky to have her. Most poeple I know have had or are in really bad relationships. In this relationship its just me suffering right now. If I do something drastic it will be all of us suffering. Hmm.



I'm in a similar situation. 18 years of marriage with two teens. No fighting or drama but I'm seriously struggling on a daily basis. My childhood involved 5 marriages and enough drama for a lifetime. The last thing I want to do is hurt my kids because I need some real intimacy. My wife is not capable of it due to her issues. We are not compatible in many other ways as well. She's a good person but emotionally she's very limited. I've been honest with her to a degree. I don't want to hurt her deeply and if I told her why I'm feeling this way she would never recover. I also need to be the primary adult influence for my children so I stay. Some days are easy some are not. 

Don't listen to anyone who says your a coward for staying. Cowards run at the first sign of trouble. Also many people here feel they must justify why they left their spouse so they always advise others to leave. If they admit to themselves they might have been selfish then their whole worlds will collapse (This only applies when kids are involved.). I'm someone who thinks the kids are more important then my romantic life. I couldn't live with myself if I left them so I accept some suffering. My kids know I'm staying for them and they appreciate it. They know they are safe with me in the house. This is what keeps me going and what I focus on when I'm lonely. Its not a perfect world but its not horrible either.

Good Luck


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## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

That sounds like a tough situation and one I have a cloe friend that is ion now. She is considering divorcing her husband for many reasons, but she says she is neither in loe nor ever was with him. I feel bad for her and you, but you are doing the right thing by not cheating. It will give you a clear concious whether you stay in the ammriage or move on to another relationship. All the best to you!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

:iagree:


Enginerd said:


> I'm in a similar situation. 18 years of marriage with two teens. No fighting or drama but I'm seriously struggling on a daily basis. My childhood involved 5 marriages and enough drama for a lifetime. The last thing I want to do is hurt my kids because I need some real intimacy. My wife is not capable of it due to her issues. We are not compatible in many other ways as well. She's a good person but emotionally she's very limited. I've been honest with her to a degree. I don't want to hurt her deeply and if I told her why I'm feeling this way she would never recover. I also need to be the primary adult influence for my children so I stay. Some days are easy some are not.
> 
> Don't listen to anyone who says your a coward for staying. Cowards run at the first sign of trouble. Also many people here feel they must justify why they left their spouse so they always advise others to leave. If they admit to themselves they might have been selfish then their whole worlds will collapse (This only applies when kids are involved.). I'm someone who thinks the kids are more important then my romantic life. I couldn't live with myself if I left them so I accept some suffering. My kids know I'm staying for them and they appreciate it. They know they are safe with me in the house. This is what keeps me going and what I focus on when I'm lonely. Its not a perfect world but its not horrible either.
> 
> Good Luck


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If I found...I would not be devastated. I would be grateful to them and a little sad for them. I would feel bad that they did that for me and I didn't make them happier. But I would have still had my happiness so I wouldn't have reason to be devastated.


How would you still have had your happiness? It was all an act. Finding out it was all an act would negate every moment of "happiness".


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> How would you still have had your happiness? It was all an act. Finding out it was all an act would negate every moment of "happiness".


Why is it negated? The happiness actually happened. That doesn't go away, that doesn't get changed. 
Maybe for you it would negate, but I'm not going to rob myself of a joy that I had because it was an act. Fake or not, I got to enjoy it is my point.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well if you really think you're not in love try a trial seperation and that will give you the answers. You might miss your spouse, you might not. Try and see, I guess that's the only way to find out. Just an idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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