# Is this the end or not?



## Simcha

Ironically, we just celebrated our 9th year anniversary. We have two children ages 8 and 4. This is her second marriage, my first. The marriage has never been perfect but its gone off track in the last couple of years. Ironically, I was uprooted from living our West and moved East. She is surrounded by family and friends and I am completely alone.

The serious problems began 2 years ago. Our sex life tapered off. She asked me to leave the family business and find a new job. She started traveling more and made friends with primarily divorced women. 

I encouraged couples counseling and after only three sessions she lost interest in the sessions. I continued going to my own therapist to work on my self and learn to live with her in hope that soon she would show an effort and try to live in harmony.

The relationship has been turbulent. From my perspective she shows zero interest in trying to reconcile.

There is no sign of an affair, emotional or otherwise, although she has made numerous "friends".

It all came to a head two weeks ago. She had become extremely nasty and disrespectful to me, abusing me verbally and emotionally. I left the house for a few hours and when I returned she said that I was not sleeping in our bed. (In order to maintain the peace at home and let her get a good night's rest, I had been sleeping in the guest room, off and on the last few months. Three weeks ago, I came to the realization that sleeping in the guest room was not doing anything for our marriage. I asserted myself and refused to sleep anywhere other than in our bed.)

That night, I got home and went straight into our bedroom to bed. She'd been drinking as she does often. She said, "you are not sleeping here". I said, "I am not going to play games anymore, I am sleeping in my own bed from here on out". My wife became physical. She started kicking me to get off the bed. The altercation intensified, she started taking swings at me and one of her swings connected and cut my eye open. I was now bleeding and hurt. She ironically called 911 to change the tables and allege I had assaulted her but when the police showed up, realized she had not been harmed. I was taken to the ER by ambulance and she was arrested on 3rd degree assault.

Three days later, I was fired from her family's business and served divorce papers the next day. Her entire family has turned against me. They see me as the monster that should have diffused the situation. 

I can't help question myself and ask, "perhaps if I had done this different or that different, our marriage would be different". 

My wife is late to recognize things. She usually takes months sometimes years to realize what I or someone else realizes immediately. 

I am wondering if it's over or is there a chance she may come to and realize that she/we need help as I have advocated for years.

She offers very little to me in terms of a spouse. However, for the sake of the children I would be willing to work on the marriage if she put in her share.

Is this the end or not?


----------



## ItMatters

Why would you WANT to stay? So the children can watch their dad be beat up by their mom and pushed around? (and even if she stops beating you up, she's not going to stop pushing you around)

Get your priorities straight. Be a stand up guy for your kids and show them this is NOT how a marriage is.


----------



## Cherry

Is there a restraining order between the two of you?

I suspect she had to file for divorce to protect herself from the criminal side.. what are you planning on doing with that? Or is that all over with?


----------



## Simcha

Cherry said:


> Is there a restraining order between the two of you?
> 
> I suspect she had to file for divorce to protect herself from the criminal side.. what are you planning on doing with that? Or is that all over with?


I have a "refrain from order of protection" on her.


----------



## Simcha

Simcha said:


> I have a "refrain from order of protection" on her.


Please explain how filing for divorce protects her from the "criminal side"?


----------



## Cherry

Simcha said:


> Please explain how filing for divorce protects her from the "criminal side"?


Because she is probably claiming self defense as opposed to the 3rd degree assault charge she is facing now. In which case she claims he abuses her, she defended herself and has now sought a divorce because of it... At least that's what my attorney adviced I do when I was facing assault charges against my H... Difference being, I didn't want a divorce.


----------



## Simcha

Cherry said:


> Because she is probably claiming self defense as opposed to the 3rd degree assault charge she is facing now. In which case she claims he abuses her, she defended herself and has now sought a divorce because of it... At least that's what my attorney adviced I do when I was facing assault charges against my H... Difference being, I didn't want a divorce.


Did you go through with the divorce? Btw, the Sheriff did not find any sign either in our bedroom or on her person to corroborate her version of what happened.


----------



## Cherry

Simcha said:


> Did you go through with the divorce? Btw, the Sheriff did not find any sign either in our bedroom or on her person to corroborate her version of what happened.


No, we started reconciling 5 months later. We just passed our two year mark of reconciliation. 

I did want to say that its not healthy to come at it from the view that as a spouse, your wife means very little to you. She may not be as content with that arrangement as you are. You two still have quite a bit of life to live and a marriage for only the children can be lonely.

Good luck!


----------



## Simcha

Cherry said:


> No, we started reconciling 5 months later. We just passed our two year mark of reconciliation.
> 
> I did want to say that its not healthy to come at it from the view that as a spouse, your wife means very little to you. She may not be as content with that arrangement as you are. You two still have quite a bit of life to live and a marriage for only the children can be lonely.
> 
> Good luck!


I wrote that "she offers very little to me as a spouse", not that "she means very little to me". What I meant by that is that I don't get respect from her, love from her, sex from her, friendship, etc. Sadly, I feel that she only reaches out to me is when she needs something from me.


----------



## This is me

The "Friends" and Family Business is not good for your marriage. From my POV and experience, unless she sees a reason to work on the marriage, the negative support she is getting will weigh down any hopes of raising up the marriage.

The 'divorced" friends will likely share how their lifes are better and the family will naturally want to protect their own, right or wrong.

I know when my wife of 17 years decided to up and leave, within a day a few family members from her side un-friended me on facebook. I have known them all these years and had a good relationship with them, but it is clear other "stories" were making the way to them. 

Unless she is giving some signs and hope for repair, even small ones, you should 180 and prepare for a new life ahead. IMHO.


----------



## Emerald

You appear to love her very much & want to stay together, work on "things" & be a family with your children.

I think she is a mean, unhappy person.

Is she a good mother?

Has she left the family home?

Keep posting; we will help you.


----------



## Simcha

Emerald said:


> You appear to love her very much & want to stay together, work on "things" & be a family with your children.
> 
> I think she is a mean, unhappy person.
> 
> Is she a good mother?
> 
> Has she left the family home?
> 
> Keep posting; we will help you.


I do love her and I love the concept of being and staying a family. However, I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle and she is doing everything to sabotage the marriage (i.e. excessive drinking, spending time with single and divorced gfs, socializing and befriending men, frivolous "business" trips, etc.)

I agree, she is mean and she is unhappy. The question is what is she unhappy about? Her looks, weight, MLC, finances, ME? 

I don't think she is a good mother. Her selfishness prevents her from being a good mother. She puts herself first, then the children. Her idea of spending quality time with the children is sitting around watching "The bachelorette", or "The bachelor" or other smut like programming that an 8 yr. old and/or a 4 yr. old boy cannot relate to. 

Her idea of parenting is showering the children with non-stop toys, McDonalds and encouraging the boys to sleep with her.

She has not left the "family home".

I think she is receiving very poor advice. Either her family, friends or she is in a spiral downturn.


----------

