# Completely Hopeless Marriage



## LT2017 (Nov 24, 2017)

I need help, I have no clue what to do with my husband. We have been married for about 3 years and have 2 children together.

Let me first say all the good things about him before I get to the bad.

He helps me with our sons, 100%, my husband will let me take a nap if I am tired and is always willing to stay home with them. 
He is super funny, great sex, understand me and knows how to communicate. 

He does not want to work. He could be at home all day, playing on his xbox. He wants to be a stay-at-home dad. We cant afford that. When I come home from work, nothing is cleaned, the boys are a mess, there is diapers everywhere. He wont cook, clean, bathe our sons, he barely feeds them. One day I came home and my son was crying for food. I dont think my husband fed him all day. I was heartbroken. My husband wants to buy an new xbox but we dont even have beds for our sons. We are in debt with credit cards, sometimes I am worried about how we are going to feed everyone. He does not want to do anything. We have things breaking around the house and he does not fix them. The other day, my sisters husband came to fix our fence and mow the grass because my husband had not. My sisters husband will at least try fix our car. 
I have already asked my husband to help me out, to please go to work (he has a job working for his family), I even made a chore chart to help him understand what I need. We picked out the chores together and divided them equally. 

I am pretty much done, I just need help on motivating him to help me out. Just a little. I cant go to school part-time, work full-time and keep up with everything at the house. My hair is falling out. 
My husband is a great guy, i just wish he would get off the xbox (he plays for 20 hrs a day............no joke).
I do not believe in divorce so that is not an option. 

help? what do i do? Anything little or how can I change? What am I doing wrong?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

LT2017 said:


> My husband is a great guy, i just wish he would get off the xbox (he plays for 20 hrs a day............no joke).


You are not married to a man. You are married to a CHILD.

It's time for him to grow up and act like an adult. His mommy is not around to change his diapers for him anymore.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Stop saying 'he's a great guy'; he's not.

He may be a good time Charlie and get along with the kids but that doesn't make him a great guy.

He's a man boy.

Not ready for marriage, real life or responsibility.

Tell him to grow up or separation is the only option and he's on his own.
See how he likes that............


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

He's not feeding your kids? Diapers everywhere? Sounds like very unsanitary living conditions. If he's not willing to be a part of the family, I would cut him off financially. Also, I would not do his laundry for him. Stop cooking for him. Don't pick up after him. Maybe that will cause him to see the light, maybe not. 

If you choose to stay with him, you'll have to lower your expectations, so you don't keep getting hurt over and over again. I agree that telling him he needs to step up or there will be a separation may get him to wake up. But be prepared for him to call your bluff.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm the Mom of teenage twins. Yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner, after being asked numerous times to get off of her phone, I had to take the phone from one of my daughters. 
That happens in my home often. Girls refuse to clean up after themselves, do their homework, etc, then devices get taken away...or the WIFI router gets taken down.

In other words, I take all their distractions and leave them nothing else to do. It makes them look around at the chaos...and often times they do something about it.

Your husband is not only extremely immature, he is an escape artist. He wants you to be the the Mom he can f**k.
Alright Mom, take his X-box. Destroy the damn thing if you must and don't enable him to buy another one. 
You have a right to expect him to not only participate in the marriage but also the care of his children. 

Yeah, there's probably going to be moaning, groaning, screaming, yelling and gnashing o' the teeth but **** it- what do you have to lose compared to what you finally deserve to gain?


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

LT2017 said:


> I need help, I have no clue what to do with my husband. We have been married for about 3 years and have 2 children together.
> 
> Let me first say all the good things about him before I get to the bad.
> 
> ...




Really ... I don't understand at ALL, why you're stating:

"He helps me with our sons 100%"

NO he does NOT!

"Understands me"

NO he does NOT!

"Knows how to communicate "

NO he does NOT!!!!

"Funny - Great Sex - Lets me take a nap"

Who cares??? What good is that, if he does none of the above .... and plays video games all day???

SO .... the "good" points are TWO .... and can be found in MANY men. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> I'm the Mom of teenage twins. Yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner, after being asked numerous times to get off of her phone, I had to take the phone from one of my daughters.
> That happens in my home often. Girls refuse to clean up after themselves, do their homework, etc, then devices get taken away...or the WIFI router gets taken down.
> 
> In other words, I take all their distractions and leave them nothing else to do. It makes them look around at the chaos...and often times they do something about it.
> ...



This ^^^^^^

If he's gonna Peter Pan, then he has to have some real world ramifications. 

If he's going to be a child, then you'll have to expect performance and discipline him as a child.

Take away privileges (sex, affections, respect, meals, his laundry etc ) until he he steps up and performs as an adult man, husband and father. 

Move into another room until he can demonstrate maturity and responsibility.

If he leaves you because you aren't fun anymore, then you can live your life and raise your children as you see fit.

You may even have an easier life as you will have one less mouth to feed and one less child to clean up after. 

You married a dude that was "fun" rather than an adult, responsible and self supporting man.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

If he does not care for the children while you’re out of the house then him “letting” you take a nap is not exactly him being supportive. My XH did this too — 20+ hours/day on FFXI and not working. Our daughters were 4 and 5 and I had just given birth to our son. I was caring for the kids and working from home as a medical transcriptionist without any help from him. If I asked him to feed our son whileI was working I would walk back in the bedroom 10 minutes later and find him still on the PlayStation and my son lying on the bed with a bottle propped up on a pillow. 

On the rare occasions I was able to guilt him into “letting” me nap I would either be unable to fall asleep because of the kids crying or would wake up to an even bigger disaster in the house than before I went to lie down. My only long lasting solution that actually improved my and my childrens’ quality of life was filing for divorce (he was also shacking up with a heroin addict or other quality women the few times he was working during our 7 year marriage but he couldn’t keep a job longer than 90 days)

If you are not willing to divorce him at this time, consider at least an in-house separation if not a true living situation n different residences separation. Otherwise he has no motivation to change anything because while you may nag or yell or scream you still pay his way, maintain his lifestyle and give him sex. He will not alter any part of his life until his current situation actually causes him discomfort. Stop wasting your breath and your time, money, and energy on this d-bag.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LT2017 said:


> I need help, I have no clue what to do with my husband. We have been married for about 3 years and have 2 children together.
> 
> Let me first say all the good things about him before I get to the bad.
> 
> ...


Your husband is not a great guy. A great guy is an equal partner in his marriage. A guy who does not work and leaves everything up to his wife is an immature child who sees his wife as his mother. Sure he's happy to have you, after all you allow him to act like he's 14. A great guy takes care of his children and does his fair share in the home. A great guy does not allow his wife to do everything to the point that her hair is falling out.

I was married to a guy like your husband. At one point I took him to a psychiatrist, who talked to both of us. The psychiatrist said a few interesting things. He said that he understood why my husband wanted to be married to me. But he had no idea why I was still married to my husband. And the psychiatrist told us that what my husband was doing I a form of gross emotional abuse because over burning me with having to be the sole bread winner, and have to do everything in the house, take care of the children, etc. was making me ill and thus abuse of me. I divorced the free loader.

You are allowing your husband to abuse you. Part of the problem is that you have a false narrative that he's a great guy. Just because he 'lets' you nap and has a sense of humor. Get Real! He's not a great guy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yah, he may be 'a great guy' in some aspects, but certainly not husband material.

He sounds like he would thrive in his parents basement smoking pakalolo with no
Real responsibilites.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

The video games are an addiction.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

How bout both of y'all sit down and have an honest talk about the marriage. Tell him his xbox needs to be unplugged for a while. Let him know that contributing to the finances and paying bills is top priority. Tell him that the kids need to be fed and diapers changed more often. Tell him that house cleaning is also important. Well you did say he is good at conversations and listens well. Good luck.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I'm being serious if can't just sit and discuss things in how to achieve a better marriage then he's got issues.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I don't get how you can say he hopes you with the children 100% when you also say he doesn't change a diaper all day long and doesn't clean up after them. 

Even the "good" is "bad". 

No, he won't change, at least not for the better.

Since you have arbitrarily decided that the only realistic course of option (divorce) is not an option, then you must accept you are in a trap of your own making for the rest of your natural life. 

Good luck!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LT2017 said:


> Help? what do i do? Anything little or how can I change? What am I doing wrong?


This.

*"I do not believe in divorce so that is not an option. "*

This is what you're doing wrong.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

You need to have the come-to-Jesus discussion that he has to limit his gaming time and participate in the family and the marriage. Cancel the home internet service the next day if he doesn’t agree to make changes.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I can't believe the low standards some people have when picking a spouse...seriously. You teach people how to treat you so somewhere along the line this guy thinks it is okay to act like he is and have everybody pick up the pieces for him. Kick his ass out and tell him until he gets his **** together and gets a job and keeps it, you are done.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Was he always like this? Or did he change at some point?

Sometimes it’s immaturity, sometimes it can be escaping from reality. Addiction numbs the reality and they are just postponing the fact that they need to overcome whatever led them to escape.
You might wnt to know the reason behind this. Talk to him and let him express his feelings. Be there to help him change. Sometimes they need support and understanding to change. Then if they don’t then throw the ultimatum. That you need a husband to be equal partner, and your kids a father.

It is not easy to give up certain habits and addictions, specially if they are escaping from what they don’t want to face. Sometimes it’s fear of not being able to deal with responsibilities and life tht made them avoidant. Support and understanding can help a lot, but you must also assert your needs when they don’t listen.

IMO in marriage in means that we are there to support our partners in difficult phases too, so if he is going through something try to understand what and how to help him. Then if he is still refusing to improve, throw the ultimatum since he also has to be an equal partner.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't have to divorce, but you DO need to get him out of your home. Call his folks up - they are the ones who enabled him to this point anyway - and tell them he's coming home. File for legal separation. When they start seeing the charges he's racking up by not working, maybe THEY will kick his butt enough to change him. 

But I doubt it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP if you do not believe in divorce, then stop complaining and accept happily what you have as an excuse of a man, and your doormat behavior. He is not going to change, why should him? When there are no consequences for him. You on the other hand are getting your just reward for allowing him.


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## Nickey1976 (Dec 5, 2017)

LT2017 said:


> He helps me with our sons, 100%, my husband will let me take a nap if I am tired and is always willing to stay home with them.
> He is super funny, great sex, understand me and knows how to communicate.



But later you say he doesn't pick up after them (the children) nor himself and he doesn't feed them? Sounds a bit contradictory. From the things you listed he is NOT helping you out 100%. Another question, how is he communicating when he is on his xbox most hours of the day? I know most men tune the world out when they are really into video games. 

I'm not trying to be negative (as I am in the midst of my own marital problems). Have you tried really talking to him calmly about his video game usage? Was he open to the chore chart? He works for his family but doesn't go to work? Is he still receiving pay or are you handling things financially alone?


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