# Child Custody Mediation :: Time Share



## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

Folks,

Its been a long time since I have written to this forum. I have been trying to reconcile with my wife who filed for divorce back in september.

Looks like the divorce is inevitable, I have tried my best to communicate with my wife by all the means possible but she still seems to be not willing to even discuss things like parenting plan etc.

There is a court mediation this week here in San Jose, California for child custody. Could anyone give any tips regarding that ? 

1.) Being a father of a 3 year old what are my chances regarding child custody/ time share. I have been equally involved in taking care of my child with all aspects since she was born.
2.) What should I expect in mediation?
3.) Could any of the documents help? e.g. daycare daily logs showing me dropping her and picking her up. Is it a good idea to go to a mediation with such documents?

Thanks


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

In many states is common to award joint visitation to parents. Unless, there is some reason not to it usually isn't a problem.

Take whatever you have (logs) etc. in case. Don't take them out unless you feel it's going in a different direction.

The mediator is to help you both form some conclusion. He/she isn't the judge or jury. Sometimes, you can't reach a conclusion and then you have to battle it out.

My courts have standard visitation/holidays rules that they go by....they can be changed if you both agree. 

It's good to hear that you are a good and caring dad!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've wondered before about the logs and such. Do you look like a jerk if you come in "too prepared," and appear to be pointing fingers?


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> In many states is common to award joint visitation to parents. Unless, there is some reason not to it usually isn't a problem.
> 
> Take whatever you have (logs) etc. in case. Don't take them out unless you feel it's going in a different direction.
> 
> ...


which state are you from?
Thanks for your advice.

what kind of logs I should have? like emails and stuff about my son?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm from Texas.

I'm not sure if you should take out any of the logs. You aren't trying to prove a "case." You are trying to come to an agreement.

The mediator is to keep you on track and guide you.

He doesn't care what conclusion you and your wife come to...as long as you BOTH agree. 

Do you expect her to fight you for visition and/or custody?


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Not to hijack this thread, but what do you folks think is best for the kids in terms of physical custody? We plan to share the children equally and live within just a few miles. We're trying to remain focused on what is best for the children and not the adults.

We've thought about 2/2/5 (Mon-Tues/Wed-Thurs/swithching out the weekends).

Another option, Monday -THursday, Friday-Sunday....rotating this every two weeks or every month.

Also, Sun-Tues, Wed-Friday....rotating Saturdays. Switching this out every month.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

As CW said, the role of a mediator is not to dictate who does what. It is to enable you and your spouse to agree on a plan. If one of you is being unreasonable - they will point that out. 

The goal of the mediator will be to help you negotiate an agreement that is best for both of you, and primarily, best for your children.

It sounds like your spouse isn't clear on what the mediator's role is either.

I'm assuming that you already have dealt with this mediator regarding division of assets? 
I'm wondering because my spouse and I used a mediator, and we didn't get to parenting and custody until the third meeting. A prerequisite was that we were supposed to have a parenting plan.

Make damn sure you have one if the mediator recommended it. It doesn't have to be something that you worked on together.

You need to document who will have the kids when, how you will handle holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc.

You and your wife don't actually have to follow ANY of what you put on the parent plan. But if ever there is an issue and the courts become involved - they will defer to the plan you both agreed to.

I included details about insisting that the kid's have access to me should they desire. In other words, if they want to call and say good night we both wanted them to be able to do that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Keep us posted - I'd like to know how things go in case I'm in your shoes one day...


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

I live in San Jose, California.

1.) This is our first mediation ever, we never had one regarding asset division. We both were more concerned about our child, hence nobody pushed for assets I guess.

2.) How many sessions will there be in case we don't reach an agreement in the first session. Could we request for more sessions before the case goes to court hearing?

3.) I don't want to make it ugly by removing logs and documents proving that I was a better parent. I guess mediator won't like it either. I want to say that ---- 

*"I have been a good parent, my daughter enjoys spending time with me, I was involved in every aspect of her life since she was born and I would like to keep doing the same."
*
what do you guys think? Of course I will go with a 'parenting plan with a few options'. 

Folks, Please advise. 

Thanks!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Double pumped on a post when the internets stopped working*


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mediator isn't going to care if you are a good parent. They are going to want to know what life looks like for your child based upon what you and your wife propose. 

If you want to go 50/50 and your spouse wants sole custody, and just give you a couple of hours on the weekend, then it is up to the mediator to facilitate negotiation between the two of you. Your parenting plan should be soup to nuts, who has her what days, how you both will handle drop-offs and pick-ups, how she gets to daycare, how she gets home, how medical emergencies will be handled. The mediator will advise based upon what is best for your daughter - not based upon what you or your wife thinks or wants, particularly if it is unreasonable.

Also, don't be surprised when the mediator starts with assets and living arrangements before dealing with child custody. Both of those are precursors in determining the welfare of the child.

Don't know how long your appointment is. The number of visits directly corresponds to how much you and your wife agree or disagree upon.

We had three, two hour sessions at $200.00 an hour, and virtually no substantial disagreements. You each will be expected to pay half of the fee at the end of the session.


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

Update:

My mediation went OK, we are scheduled for the second session in 3 weeks.

My wife and I both agreed that the child should spend half time with each parent, several options were discussed, she liked 1 but said she would sleep on it and would discuss in the next session. 

But suddenly she took a U turn and started saying she has doubts in my ability to handle our daughter. My mom is visiting me due to all this situation. Suddenly my wife started accusing me that I wanted more time because my mom is here to take care of her and that when my mom leaves I won't be able to take care of the child. Then she started saying that my mom badmouths about her with my child, which is totally abrupt.

I am not sure why she did that. All I see is that she tried to divert the discussion in the wrong direction so no conclusion could be reached.

I am so angry now. I am dying to spend more time with my child but my wife is not letting me and at the same time accusing me of not wanting the child in the past months. I let her have our daughter for more time in the past because I wanted reconciliation and let her dictate terms.

However, the situation is:
1.) There is no court order in place saying who gets what days.

2.) The court has a stipulation mutually agreed by both parties that I will pay child support based on 75/25 share, me having 25% with the child. However, it says that both parties need to attend mediation to settle 'custody and time share disputes'. I agreed for this because I didn't care for how much money I had to pay, all I wanted was to get into mediation to discuss time share since my wife was insisting on giving me only 2 days a week.

My question is:
If I pick up my child from daycare and keep her with me for more time, what can my wife do? Can she create a big mess which will eventually hurt me in court? 

I spoke with my lawyer who suggested that if I do such a thing all my wife can do is to call police, which in turn would probably advise my wife to go back to her lawyer since there is no court ordered schedule in place. 

What do you guys think?

I really want to stop my wife throwing tantrums at me, and I am fed up with begging for things all the time i.e. more time with my child etc.

Please advise folks, its really killing me!!

Thanks


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