# Valentines day



## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

I dont care if you want to be serious or joke around or revengeful, I was wondering what the other women and men in here are thinking of doing for valentines day.

I know I should get my CH something because the kids are wondering already, what is mommy getting for daddy. He has already talked to them about what he wants to get for me.

I cant get him a card.. what would it say? I love you so much you cheating prick? I used to love you, but now you make me sick? I hope we can work through this like a fairy tale and live together and be stronger? Crap I dont know..

Shall I buy him a voodoo doll complete with pins already inserted?
My mind goes to other places but I wont type those out incase we end up in court one day and he finds this site...

I even thought of flying his OW in to town for the day setting her up in a hotel room, with a red bow and saying - happy valentines day... just to see the look on his face and to see if he would turn around and walk away with me or go into the room..... I know sick - but my mind is running wild.. its been 3 weeks exactly since the day I found out.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Tell him that you are not doing anything and it is all on him. If he wants to make things right, time to step up to the plate. And if the kids ask tell them its daddy's turn this year. Just my thought and that's exactly what I told the wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

karma45 said:


> I dont care if you want to be serious or joke around or revengeful, I was wondering what the other women and men in here are thinking of doing for valentines day.
> 
> I know I should get my CH something because the kids are wondering already, what is mommy getting for daddy. He has already talked to them about what he wants to get for me.
> 
> ...


Send him these:-

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you're a cheater,
but I sorta still love you.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
Sorry! No kissing!
Don't wanna catch an STD from you!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Ah yes, Valentine's day! A day when lovers express their love and devotion to each other with bouquets of roses and delicious chocolate confections. 

Such a wonderful day indeed.

NOT!!

Valentine's Day will forever be tarnished by the fact that my ex (or her thoughtful attorney) chose that day to file for divorce.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

A valentine heart torn in pieces like a puzzle and a note: "when you glue this back together see if it looks anything like the original."


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Well, before kids, my stbxw and I would go out - sometimes stay downtown in a hotel. Now, I've got two daughters so it's always been a big thing for me to get all three gifts and cards. I always get the most sappy cards I can find and it's turned into sort of joke. I usually cooked something for dinner. Then my stbxw and I would "go to bed" early and we would go out some other night. It was fun until my stbxw decided that it wasn't. One less gift this year!

They're at my stbxw's next week, but I am taking them skiing for the long weekend (Family Day here). We're leaving early Friday - so hopefully my stbxw will see fit to allow them to stay here Thursday night. Of course, she probably won't out of spite.

So for this year, hoping to celebrate with my daughters and then pack the car up for an early start the next day.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> A valentine heart torn in pieces like a puzzle and a note: "when you glue this back together see if it looks anything like the original."


That isnt a bad idea..


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

One of my kids that knows whats going on around here said - Lasagna MUM cook that for all of us, and a cake or desert.. then you can do a group thing for the family.. ( I make it from scratch and they always love it.. I may just do that instead of doing an individual thing)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

karma45 said:


> That isnt a bad idea..


LOL
You could tear one and glue it yourself. Note inside

"Because I love you
I mended this one
You've got work to do."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Nothing really planned here until such time that the divorce is finalized. I'd greatly speculate that it will just be another contented evening alone to tune in to ESPN and watch NCAA basketball, accompanied by a strong margarita in hand!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It actually happens to also be Regret's birthday...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> It actually happens to also be Regret's birthday...


Very, very cool! 
Right?


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

hmmm ... just realized it was close when I read it on here. Guess I should get my head out of the FOG. 

Since it's all his money anyway maybe me and the kids could do an arts and crafts and make him something. How about a "cheat" sheet and laminate it in the shape of a heart. 

Seriously, my heart's not in it to give him anything. And the kids are too young to know or care. We're in the midst of trying R -- well, he's trying anyway. I really don't give a **** anymore.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Very, very cool!
> Right?


LOL...I'll let ya know next Friday. It will be the first one since Dday last March 6th. 11 months ago today.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> LOL...I'll let ya know next Friday. It will be the first one since Dday last March 6th. 11 months ago today.


Dig, gotta say - there's a TON of strong, and I mean *STRONG* guys here. But bro, you're one of the strongest. A smoke-snortin', hoof-stompin' bull.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

cherish said:


> Since it's all his money anyway maybe me and the kids could do an arts and crafts and make him something. *How about a "cheat" sheet and laminate it in the shape of a heart. *
> 
> Seriously, my heart's not in it to give him anything. And the kids are too young to know or care. We're in the midst of trying R -- well, he's trying anyway. I really don't give a **** anymore.


LOL your sense of humor is a great asset. Chin up!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Dig, gotta say - there's a TON of strong, and I mean *STRONG* guys here. But bro, you're one of the strongest. A smoke-snortin', hoof-stompin' bull.


LOL! Thanks, brother. I'm humbled reading that - especially knowing what other people have gone through. 

Now...I think I'm gonna take Regret upstairs.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> LOL! Thanks, brother. I'm humbled reading that - especially knowing what other people have gone through.
> 
> Now...I think I'm gonna take Regret upstairs.


Can I watch... 

HEY its been 2 months for me.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I can only hope this date on Friday makes this women so crazy over me she wants to do something on V Day. I doubt it, but would be nice to be out on V Day while the stbxw is at home with the kids. 

I just hope she is not retarded enough to put something out that this OM gives her.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

H2H 
A lil tip for Friday's date. Keep the bitterness to a minimum. Don't talk about your wife unless in response to specific questions. If asked, don't hide or minimize, but don't elaborate or berate. 

Make the evening ALL about "getting to know you". You have great compassion and good communication skills. Put them on display.


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## inabadway (Jan 23, 2013)

I'm hoping I can time it just right and give her a response to the Divorce Petition which clarifies the reason for the divorce. She kinda left out the adultery part.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

this will be my second one. Funny though, I have no real memories of the 2 weeks after my DDay (2/1/12). I had conversations and did things during that time people have had to tell me about later.

I don't feel like doing much this year either. We are at a crossroads in are R and it may all be ending.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I hear you as well, I cannot get my head around getting him anything and I feel I already did with a chance to R! 

Anyway I also got him a picture frame for his new job/office with chocolates this week so I think I am set. Hopefully I will be able to keep my mind movies to a minimum and he will understand when I said 'You better fix this Valentine's Day since you screwed up last year, plus my bday and mother's day".

If you do not feel like doing anything don't, let him do the work for a change!


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Funny that this topic came up. I too have been thinking about what to do. D-day was 1/18/13 and we are only 3 weeks away from that. We have been to MC 2 times and we are working hard on R. I do foresee it going well and getting past this, but with that said, in my heart I have a hard time thinking of getting him a Vday card let alone a token gift. Literally, 3 weeks ago, this man who I devoted my life to (married 20 years) destroyed my faith in love, hinesty & faith. Yes, I love him, yes I am attracted to him, but I am really mad and still hurt. He has been so sweet & kind and is going out of his way to show remorse. I don't want him to feel like I am spiting him on that day as I know he will absolutely get me a beautiful card and gift. (as he should!) I am very torn. I do not want to sacrifice my feelings and only "people please" him and give him assurance & validation of love on this ridiculous glamorous holiday. What to do?


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

I too find it hard to think about Valentines Day when we have jsut started R. I did purchase him a small gift of his favorite coffee and candy, but that's so our daughter doesn't suspect anything. Part of me is hoping for a nice gift from him, but my gut is telling me not to have too high of expectations.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Funny that this topic came up. I too have been thinking about what to do. D-day was 1/18/13 and we are only 3 weeks away from that. We have been to MC 2 times and we are working hard on R. I do foresee it going well and getting past this, but with that said, in my heart I have a hard time thinking of getting him a Vday card let alone a token gift. Literally, 3 weeks ago, this man who I devoted my life to (married 20 years) destroyed my faith in love, hinesty & faith. Yes, I love him, yes I am attracted to him, but I am really mad and still hurt. He has been so sweet & kind and is going out of his way to show remorse. I don't want him to feel like I am spiting him on that day as I know he will absolutely get me a beautiful card and gift. (as he should!) I am very torn. I do not want to sacrifice my feelings and only "people please" him and give him assurance & validation of love on this ridiculous glamorous holiday. What to do?


You found out the same day I did. Guess we can plod along together on this.

I have decided to do what my 2nd oldest son suggested - I am going to cook the family favourite dinner. I have been pottering around with a hope card instead of a valentines card. Then again in 5 minutes I will be going through a revenge thing.. I go from hope to hate in 1 second flat.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

karma...that is absolutely normal. Even 11 months after Dday I can tell you that I have my good days and I definitely have my dark days. Dark days are worse than mere bad days.

brokenhearted...do not give any form of a gift if it is not truly in your heart to do so. Your feelings at this stage are so raw that it can seem totally unbearable. I fully understand. My wife had a 5 year long affair. She was always my beautiful wife who stood behind me and my career...always sacrificing herself for our children and me.

I just didn't know the other side of her. Absof'nglutely blew me away! Still does sometimes when I think about the audacity of her actions and the sheer disregard for our family.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

karma45 said:


> I dont care if you want to be serious or joke around or revengeful, I was wondering what the other women and men in here are thinking of doing for valentines day.
> 
> I know I should get my CH something because the kids are wondering already, what is mommy getting for daddy. He has already talked to them about what he wants to get for me.
> 
> ...


Karma45,

I don't recall your other threads, but I assume you are in R. If so, after only three weeks, I wouldn't do anything for him, unless it was a generic card that said "Happy Valentines Day". 

That's the tough thing about anniversaries, birthdays and Valentines day. You're heart has been crushed, so it's hard if not even inappropriate, to give a gift or card that documents something you don't feel.

I'm 18 months into R myself and still find it difficult. I've just decided to compromise on my gift giving to my wife. I avoid cards that suggest permanency or what a wonderful wife she has been. I avoid giving jewelry or something overly sentimental. For example on our 25th wedding anniversary in December, I gave her engraved wine glasses that just included the anniversary date and our names.

But I was very tempted to inscribe the following:

"*Here's to celebrating 23 years of happy marriage. Happy 25th anniversary*". 

I resisted the temptation.

So my advice is don't feel any pressure to be over sentimental until you feel it in your heart.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Karma45,
> 
> I don't recall your other threads, but I assume you are in R. If so, after only three weeks, I wouldn't do anything for him, unless it was a generic card that said "Happy Valentines Day".
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. 

I havent written my story yet, just bits here and there. When I write it I want to be fair to myself and not false. I am too driven by emotions to write a fair account.

I am an Army wife and married to him for 17 years with 5 children, 1 from previous relationship. 45 years old 158lb. Living in a different country so no reletives or anyone to lean on since we move so much.

In short I have told him that I am not on a time limit to decide what to do, to R or to D. I just lost my oldest son 9 months ago (my son and I used to joke that he was adopted because we were such great friends) this crushed me more then anything else ever will. So my husband having an 18 month long affair with an ex friend of mine and also 3 somes with her and her husband, although gut wrenching and a dozen other emotions, will not come close to losing my son. Husband broke off the affair 6 months before I found out, and guilt ridden had been a super husband since then. He is supportive and talks and does all the right things to a point.. he also supports me taking my time. He will do anything to keep us together. I am lucky in the way that I have a choice.. I miss my son more then I hate my husband.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through with having to deal with that and your husband's affair. 

Your husband's cheating sounds very similar to what my wife did. If you've been reading TAM long enough, I'm sure you understand that for a chance at successful R, your spouse must "demonstrate" by his actions, complete remorse. R is difficult enough even with a remorseful spouse - impossible otherwise. 

It's seems he's doing that so far, but don't accept anything less. You're right about the time table being yours. If down the road you feel you can't get past it, no one can blame you for at least, having attempted to save your marriage. 

Good luck to you.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Wow my mind has been so occupied these last 2 months i haven't even given Valentines a thought.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The way I see it, IF you are working hard on R then you should definitely put an effort into Valentine's day. A good effort. Even if the WS isn't putting in the same effort - do your best so that you can look back and know that you did everything you could.

If you're not in R, or you're separated (like me) - with no thought to R, then it's best to try to do something on the day just to get your mind off of things.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

Thank you. I only tell people to put into prospective why I am not doing what most seem to do. 

I am sorry you are going through this with your wife.
I have only been reading this forum for 2 weeks I think, it helps to read what others are going through.

He is demonstrating remorse, even when I dont outwardly show I am in pain or uncomfortable. However in my head I remember that 3 weeks of remorse even though he ended the affair 6 months ago, does not and will not fix 18 months of cheating.. he had two one night stands as well, that he came clean about within minutes of me finding out about the affair. I guess he finally worked out that honesty is better then hiding and lying.

Life is an interesting ride - I have always been better at taking care of others then taking care of myself. When I do heal I often wonder if I can learn from this and help others.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm not doing a thing for Valentines day. My H is still working in another state with no date hes coming home and no date that we are moving out there. Although he recently said he wished I was with him there(yesterday). 

IN the past he never did much for Valentines day and I always wished he would. I love getting red roses and I rarely ever got any roses. When I do get roses from him I take pics of them and put them on my Facebook for everyone else to see too. This year him sending a card would make me feel so special since I have no place to put roses anyway where I am.

When he was home working he usually tried to plan a nice dinner every year though


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

I hope you get surprised this year blueskies.. mine works out of state and country too all the time.. (Army) 
Can you get yourself something this year? Sometimes I would do that.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

karma45 said:


> I hope you get surprised this year blueskies.. mine works out of state and country too all the time.. (Army)
> Can you get yourself something this year? Sometimes I would do that.


My husband is in the union, but a lot of times I feel like we are military.... It all makes R very very hard. We have been in R since Nov 11.....with me finding his affair in dec 12, 11....then about 2-3 weeks ago I found a dating app on his Itunes account thought he kids Ipad. Hes given me his explanation and confessed to it and told me how he was feeling....but it a question of whether to beleive or not, even if they are being remorsefull......

Valentines day has been on my mind a lot and my Birthday too which is the week after Valentines day. Its all depressing 


I don't think I will get myself anything this year for Vday...my H is coming home at end of Febuary for a visit


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

You should get yourself a full body massage, and or get your hair done and eyebrows etc.. a really good book - perhaps shades of grey book 1? Spend some time by yourself and relax? 

I am sorry but having a dating site on his itunes account does not spell out remorse to me...


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

It's hard this year since last Valentine's day I found out he spent with his OW. 

I'm not doing anything for him. He will probably go to extremes for me more than likely to make me forget what he did last year.....but I can't.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

karma45 said:


> You should get yourself a full body massage, and or get your hair done and eyebrows etc.. a really good book - perhaps shades of grey book 1? Spend some time by yourself and relax?
> 
> I am sorry but having a dating site on his itunes account does not spell out remorse to me...


Yeah..I should get that book, LOL

He has been remorseful since I found the app..He downloaded it July 6th, 12..and I only found it a couple weeks ago. I have a scren shot of his text confession and stuff that I keep forever. I have his email pass...the online cell account and htere is nothing to say hes doing anything...but we know cheaters can decieve us


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm not looking forward to Valentine's day this year, just an other day for me to know that he spented it with OW before coming home to me and didn't get me a card just an itunes card. 
I made dinner and a cake last year. This year he needs to step it UP.
He did get my rings dipped in white gold, but kinda hope he has other plans in store too, but I know as always I will be disapointed.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

Lovemylife and Asia, I am so sorry. I had that same question for my husband - My hope for you both are to come out of this stronger and with a happier life.. heck I hope it for myself as well.

Be nice if we girls all lived close, we could have a first wives club day and go out and spend valentines day together... and have some fun without a care in the world, while the CH's stay home and cook clean and look after the babies and house.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

blueskies30 said:


> Yeah..I should get that book, LOL
> 
> He has been remorseful since I found the app..He downloaded it July 6th, 12..and I only found it a couple weeks ago. I have a scren shot of his text confession and stuff that I keep forever. I have his email pass...the online cell account and htere is nothing to say hes doing anything...but we know cheaters can decieve us


Things might work out for you. Us girls with out of town husbands have triggers happen all day every day and when they return. Mine only had a 24 hour duty last night, and while he was gone I wondered... He texted the hell out of me, the kids and I took dinner out to him, we stayed and talked. He told me to visit during the night whenever I wanted.. but I didnt go back. I dont want nor do I have the energy or time to stalk him to make sure he isnt being bad. I rely on my senses like I did before...

I got that book 3 days ago, so far its sort of blah but the good bits are coming.. He watches me reading it.. I want to skip to the good bits. if you want I will let you know if its good or not. I am not sure what your kinks and desires are, but its apparently about bondage. Either way a good book takes me away from current feelings and thoughts.


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