# When Does the Insanity End?



## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

I came on here a year ago because I was thinking about divorce. Jan. 3 I told my husband of 31 years I wanted a divorce. In hindsight, our 31 yr. marriage should have never happen in the first place. But it did, due to pressure from my very dominant Irish mother, and the whole Irish/Catholic guilt kept me in it. In spite of his 7 year long affair, alcoholism, hoarding and other BS I've endured, I stuck it out for all the typical reasons until I just couldn't anymore. And as I read recently somewhere, "divorce happens over time through a million cuts and then all at once". And that's how it happen - all at once I knew I was done. He has not worked and I have financially supported him for over 10 years due to his clinical depression. As a result, I've incurred an enormous amount of debt and am living month to month. I have spoken to a lawyer and have a plan to move through the divorce. 

OK, so here' the insanity part I'm referring to. I want my new life RIGHT NOW. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of enduring. I'm so damn tired of everything! Because of our financial situation (which will be changing very shortly as i've just landed a very large contract for my business), he will be here for at least another 2 months. I've been dating and he knows it. Tonight he comes home from 3 weeks with his family in another state and I've be nauseous for the past 48 hours thinking about him coming back into the house. The tension can be cut with a knife. I am dating a very nice man who is at the same stage in his separation and I'm working really hard not to be too needy with him but he has become my life preserver in a sea I feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water in. I don't want to blow that and be completely alone in all this. 

I could use some encouragement that this phase does end and that the life you are seeking does come eventually. Please share how you kept your patience and how you endured the days with your soon to be ex under the same roof. I'm drinking way too much wine, wallowing in self pity and I don't even know who I am anymore! Please tell me this ends!


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## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Ya drinking always helps, hate to say. I went through hell and back with my ex wife. Its hard talking with a woman because I saw it from mans perspective but all in all its really time to just not see them. I wish i had done that earlier. Dont think your new love will be perfect , its few and so far between. It takes time but every relationship has a dark side


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

The drinking puts a bow on what is already complicated... instead of drinking I went for walks.

Your new life and your old life are blurred... could it be haste why are suffering?

You are trying to put rose petals in a cesspool, life will not improve until the cess is left behind so pay attention to your effort or it may end up wasted if you track too much into your new life.

I kept my patience by not carrying any resentment, buffered everything with kindness, practiced fairness in every action.

Do it for you, you have to *be* happy or you will not *live* happy... choice.

You give up way too much control in that area, it is not fair to you or your new interest.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why don't you put up the house for sale and get an apartment, let him fend for himself.


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## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

I hike 5 to 8 miles every day and have practiced and taught martial arts for over 25 years. I practice at least 45 minutes of tai chi a day too. I eat a 90% plant based diet with only whole foods. I have a high stress job but feel like I've done all the right things relative to health and for stress reduction. It's this feeling of coming unglued I'm talking about and I think you hit the nail on the head with the blur between my old life and my new life. I don't feel like I've acted with haste. A year ago I made the decision to leave my marriage and took a year to build myself up mentally and physically and on Jan. 3 asked for the divorce. While he knew it was coming, he was in denial and I have to give him time to assimilate into it and also make his plans. In addition, he suffers from clinical depression and the threat of suicide is real.

I am quite unsettled in the blur you mentioned and the discomfort of it makes me want out of it right now I think. Thank you for that observation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I know you have been done in your mind for a long time, but I dont think you are in any kind of mental shape to be dating right now, especially to be in an "exclusive" relationship. You need to get your head and your finances and all your other crap together first. Your life is in upheaval right now, and you should be concentrating only on yourself. 

Im proud of you for finally taking that step!


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