# Drinking Questions????



## daisykay

So this is my situation. My husband drinks too much. He has been drinking every night for several years now. and probably 12 or more cans a night. He doesn't drink at work, and it doesn't interfere with work. He quit drinking for 3 months a while ago, and now he is back to drinking every night again. for the past two weeks now, he has just been drinking on the weekends thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. Usually alone, as I go do bed angry that he is drinking alone. We saw a marriage councillor and she said that he has a big problem and needs to quit or he will loose his family, and he doesn't believe her, and thinks she is over reacting. She gave him a name of a place to go to get an assessment and he won't do that. He wants to drink, he likes drinking. He keeps saying that it isn't a problem becuase he doesn't drive drunk, doesn't interfere with his work, he still does his stuff around the house. which is all true, but it bothers me. His father died from drinking, and he is on that path, and showing the kids that he drinks a lot. They see a liquor store and they say, daddy's favorite store, and he thinks it is funny. Do I have a right to be fed up with this non-sense? or is it me that is over reacting?


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## sisters359

I've waited to see if anyone else would respond. There is nothing normal about your h's drinking behavior. You are not over-reacting. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and so things will get worse. His drinking is already doing damage to your family--esp your kids; how can a drunk and/or hung over dad be what they deserve? 

He has attempted to "normalize" his behavior as though it is, well, normal. It is normal--for an alcoholic. He hasn't had work issues, YET. He does not have health issues, YET. He hasn't driven drunk, YET. 

It is so sad but so typical that he is the child of an alcoholic. His dad was, he is, and his kids are EXTREMELY at risk of becoming alcoholics, too. Please, please stop questioning yourself. Get to al-anon and to counseling for yourself. You are too deep into his bizarre interpretation of things to see things clearly. For your kids' sake, get out.

And for the record, of course he likes drinking--it allows him to avoid whatever are the burning, painful feelings and thoughts he has. He won't like it so much in a few years when the drinking itself has created the burning, painful issues-job loss, health problems, loss of his family, maybe jail time, homelessness----yes, all are not only possibly but some are guaranteed, esp. the health consequences.


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## daisykay

Thank you! I am glad you wrote back and said it the way it is. I know I have to get out. I am going to see my parents this weekend and discuss moving home. although it is 2 hours away, I will figure out moving and day care with them and make some serious changes this summer. I have always known that the drinking was a serious problem, but seeing lately how serious it is, and I have been wrapped up in his shell for so long. I needed the push to realise I need out, if not for my sake, but for my girls. Thanks for the push.


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## Blanca

If he wont go get help then you can. There is a peer-lead support group called alanon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen) that can help you. It is mostly women in situations just like yours and you can get help and support. Hopefully you can find a meeting in your area. Ive been to a few meetings myself and found them very helpful. Your children can also attend the alateen meetings depending on how old they are. Even if you leave him it might still be helpful for the kids to go to the meetings since they will pick up nasty behaviors from codependency.


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## Its all about her

I'm as guilty as your husband. After a long day's work I just want to come home and have a beer. I can drink until the cows come home. But my wife has insisted that I need to curtail my drinking. She wants me to drink no more than 2 beers a night. I drink 2-5 beers depending on the time available. I don't drink after dinner. Drinking 12 beers a night is killing him. I know that, I know I'm drinking too much. I'm looking for a release from the stress of the day.

Tell him you love him and you don't want him to DIE. 12 beers will KILL him. Tell him you want him to cut down. He is looking for relief for the day. I don't know what he needs. Sex, pot, sleep, an escape from the kids. Discuss it with him. The alcohol will kill him. Take him for a walk. Buy a dog. Find something he wants to do other than drink. I shouldn't say this but offer him a bj in exchange to drinking. Or a limit of 2 beers in exchange. 3 beers and forget it. You've got to have him cut back or ELSE.


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## daisykay

Everything you have suggested I have tried. We got a puppy, that just stresses him out and he gets angry, I gave him the choice, booze or me and the kids, he chose booze. there is no other option here but leave. We have been to a marriage councillor who's background was actually in substance abuse and she told him, very straight out, QUIT or you will Die. He said he will quit if I agree to stay, and as she said, that is not fair to me, then I have all the guilt on me that I am in control of his drinking. He has to quit for himself, and he won't and says straight out that he does not want to and will not. So, I have tried for 5 years now to get him to stop, and I can't, it is over. I feel horrible becuase he could be a good guy, but the drinking is out of control, and putting us in major debt. Drinking is expensive, especiialy the amount that he drinks.


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## sisters359

I'm so sorry he's in such a bad spot; really. I understand--a lot of folks do. We also understand that you cannot help him and cannot save him. It has to be 100% his choice, for himself--trying to turn it into your problem is very selfish of him, but of course he cannot see that. Please do not waste energy feeling guilty, no matter what happens. That will be hard, b/c he might blame you, his family might blame you, your kids (down the road) might blame you--all b/c they may share in the co-dependency and enabling behaviors. No one who is healthy in this way will think you bear one iota of responsibility. You cannot compete with booze. Sad but true. And if he could only see himself, choosing booze over a loving family--pathetic, pitiable. Maybe he will hit rock bottom one day and survive to rise back up again. Maybe not. But prayers may make a difference, and that is all you can do.


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## definitelynotme

Let me preface this by saying... I say this as a wife who probably drinks too much... and I have had several tonight...

The drinking, I am guessing, is not the real problem. I am so not trying to make it sound like your husband is in the right--but what are the real, actual reasons he drinks? Until you guys get to the bottom of that, you will solve nothing.

It is way too easy for others to blame all your problems on his drinking, which is more than likely, if not completely the other way around, at least comparable. :/


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## Mom6547

The fact that he has a drinking problem, I hope, is not in doubt for you. 

For HIM it is protecting his ability to drink. What he knows and doesn't know in his brain is over-ridden by his brain stem. For the chemically dependent, when the choice to drink or not drink comes up, the brain stem, the most basic of choice maker, the fight or flight place just SCREAMS drink. At the point he is in, where he does not even want to admit to HIMSELF that he has a problem, he will do and say pretty much anything to see himself as fine. Because it allows him to drink. Even AFTER he admits he has a problem, if he ever does, the end of the drinking is a long way off. It is HARD to quit. Ask me how I know!

Believe me... I will quit if she... whatever will not work. Once the crisis is gone, he will drink. Until he commits HIMSELF to the notion, he has no power to quit.

There is not a damned thing you can do. You can go to alanon and see what they know. But it is a very long journey before you now. You need to chose.

What is best for me and my family? What is best for my children.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My best wishes go with you.


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## crystal

Daisykay, my heart goes out to you. The fact is he DOES have a drinking problem. He IS an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do about it. Staying with him is not going to get him to quit neither will leaving. I've been in your position. Choosing to leave was the hardest thing I've ever done. But it was the best decision for myself and my children. 

Ask yourself what is the benefit for you and your children in staying in this relationship? How is his drinking hurting you? your kids? What will it look like for you and your kids if you continue to stay? 

Begging and pleading him to quit isn't going to get you anywhere and if you've already been to a counselor that specializes in addictions, you've done all you can for him. 

Leaving or staying is YOUR choice. But do not let anyone tell you that you can "fix" him, you can't. And don't let anyone, including him, tell you that it has to do with you and how you react to things or there is a "deeper" problem. The fact is...it's the drinking that is the problem. I encourage you to attend Al-anon. It's a great support group for people in your situation. And always remember - You and your children DESERVE the life of your dreams. You have the right to be happy! No matter how that looks for you.

Hugs,
Crystal |


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## Mandia99508

daisykay said:


> So this is my situation. My husband drinks too much. He has been drinking every night for several years now. and probably 12 or more cans a night. He doesn't drink at work, and it doesn't interfere with work. He quit drinking for 3 months a while ago, and now he is back to drinking every night again. for the past two weeks now, he has just been drinking on the weekends thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. Usually alone, as I go do bed angry that he is drinking alone. We saw a marriage councillor and she said that he has a big problem and needs to quit or he will loose his family, and he doesn't believe her, and thinks she is over reacting. She gave him a name of a place to go to get an assessment and he won't do that. He wants to drink, he likes drinking. He keeps saying that it isn't a problem becuase he doesn't drive drunk, doesn't interfere with his work, he still does his stuff around the house. which is all true, but it bothers me. His father died from drinking, and he is on that path, and showing the kids that he drinks a lot. They see a liquor store and they say, daddy's favorite store, and he thinks it is funny. Do I have a right to be fed up with this non-sense? or is it me that is over reacting?



Oh my. I am at the beginning end of where you are. My husband is exactly like this (except without the alcoholic father) How many years have you dealt with this? Was he a drinker before you had kids? 

I'm hoping my husband will grow out of his daily drinking phase when we decide to start a family. Do you think that is a false hope to have? I'm waiting, although I'm ready now. I'm just waiting.


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## hmhardenbrook81

daisykay,
I'm sort of in the same situation as you. My husband and I have been married 3 yrs but together as a couple for 8. Before we got married he did drink and he drank till he got a little tippsy and then he would sleep and then drink till he got tippsy. That was how it was on the weekends but now it's drink until he's fall down drunk. The drinking got worse after we moved into our house. He's never been physically abusive with me and it's only interfered with his work a few times. Luckily we do not have children but we have many pets, 7 cats and 2 dogs. Right now I am unemployed so whatever money I have is from his good graces. We sleep in separate beds and our sex life is almost nonexsistant because I've told him numerous times if he drinks I don't want him to touch me and yet he continues to drink. I grew up with an older brother who was an alcholic and he was physically abusive and yet that doesn't seem to matter to my husband at all. I'm only 29 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm not going to put up with my husband drinking all the time and killing himself. He has a heart condition and is on medication so both of those are more reason's he shouldn't drink. I'm taking precautions so that I don't get pregnant. When I'm in a position to support myself and our furkids I'm going to go.


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## freeshias4me

Definitelynotme, NO MATTER WHAT problems there are in this world, there is NO EXCUSE to drink too much on a regular basis. If the woman here posting completely changed herself around to be a "perfect woman", he may yet decide to drink! He may even have the perfect circumstances in his life, yet not comprehend it and still drink!! How much a person does or doesn't drink has all to do with how someone THINKS things are, not necesarily how they really are.
I've learned that the hard way


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## Mandia99508

freeshias4me said:


> Definitelynotme, NO MATTER WHAT problems there are in this world, there is NO EXCUSE to drink too much on a regular basis. If the woman here posting completely changed herself around to be a "perfect woman", he may yet decide to drink! He may even have the perfect circumstances in his life, yet not comprehend it and still drink!! How much a person does or doesn't drink has all to do with how someone THINKS things are, not necesarily how they really are.
> I've learned that the hard way


A-****ing-men. Perfectly said. Ugh... alcohol! It single-handedly ruined the man I love and his perception of our life together. The next romantic relationship I get in to will definitely be with a sober man. I will never get involved with the disease of alcoholism ever again if I can help it.


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## unbelievable

The man's an alcoholic. That's pretty obvious. Most drunks don't put it down till they hit rock bottom. That might mean losing his job, losing his family, maybe killing someone on the highway, going to prison, or all the above. He hasn't yet suffered any immediate ill consequences dire enough to make him stop. Even if he someone manages to keep his job and stay off the roads, his liver won't take the abuse forever. I'm very sorry. Hope he gets some help soon.


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