# Is this a dealbreaker?



## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

I need help. I have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have one child...and we are struggling. My wife is a great mom...and wife. She has provided for our family for all of our years. She works very hard...and earns about 3 times my salary. I work very hard too but I have never had the profession that pays that kind of money. 



I think she's about to leave me..and I need to find out if this can be saved. She has already told me that she wanted a divorce a couple of times over the years. I went to therapy when she asked...and I tried to improve my behavior. 



Here's the problem. She is a go-getter and I'm not. I am very happy doing my own thing and making 50-60k a year. But, I fell in love with our luxurious lifestyle. I made the mistake of being too influential (she has no backbone with me) and suggesting/telling her how she should dress (show more cleavage) and pushing her to have meetings with influential men that could allow her to network better or get her raises. I didn't go to events with her because I'm quiet and don't like those kinds of things. I also suggested at one point that she should get plastic surgery. She now hangs all of that over my head. Yes, I said those things and really I just wanted to get her to achieve more, I wasn't trying to be the arse that it may appear. I just wanted her to succeed for all of us. I also wanted her to feel more beautiful. She's in a model type position, so I thought it would help her.



We also fail in the s*x department. I didn't really know what I was doing and apparently she spent years not really pointing out that I was bad in bed. I also became addicted to po*n. That obviously didn't help...I would sometimes reject her and then she found me with the po*n. I also stopped initiating because I knew she was angry with me. She told me that she wanted me to start ...and I did for awhile...but honestly, I got lazy. 



The last 6 months have been extremely stressful. I am not bringing in the kind of money that I should...she tried a new company and I screwed up one of her business deals...by trying to handle her paperwork. She lost a very big client. She was really upset but didn't really say anything...but, I could tell she was very upset. We haven't had s*x in a very long time. I offer to rub her shoulders or give her a massage...but it usually ends there. 

Now, she's on her phone all the time....and I have no idea who she's talking to. She isn't cheating (physically) because she's never gone...unless she's truly working and I know her patterns. But, I know she's unhappy and I don't want to talk about it...I just keep trying to be really sweet ...check in often and do my best to be nice and supportive.



Have I totally screwed myself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She's not gone yet. 

It's time for you to talk about things with her. If you two do not clear the air, you will never be able to fix this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Uh, this story sounds awfully familiar...


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## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

Yeah, but I just have what it takes though. She has all these friends with successful husnands who buy them expensive things. I told her I don't like it when she talks about them. I just don't think I'm good enough for her. I told her that and she said that's not true, but she doesn't like my negativity and lack of ambition. 

I don't know how to change that and it seems like every time I try.. I screw something up. 

As for the sex part, it seems like she doesn't react to my compliments anymore. I tell her she looks hot and she just quietly says thanks. And I begin to talk about having sex and I get a tense vibe so I stop. Last time I did that she gave me a BJ and I got the impression she just wanted me to have that quickly. 
She's also very into working out now. Extremely good body and I don't work out anymore. She invited me but j don't want to face all get buff friends at the gym. 



EleGirl said:


> She's not gone yet.
> 
> It's time for you to talk about things with her. If you two do not clear the air, you will never be able to fix this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Uh, this story sounds awfully familiar...


Like the other half?


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## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

Really? This is the first time I've ever posted here. 



John Lee said:


> Uh, this story sounds awfully familiar...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

guyneedshelp said:


> Yeah, but I just have what it takes though. She has all these friends with successful husnands who buy them expensive things. I told her I don't like it when she talks about them. I just don't think I'm good enough for her. I told her that and she said that's not true, but she doesn't like my negativity and lack of ambition.
> 
> I don't know how to change that and it seems like every time I try.. I screw something up.
> 
> ...


You seem to be your own worse enemy. You seem to be sabotaging yourself. Maybe you need to get into individual counseling for yourself.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Lack of ambition is one thing, habitual dependency is another. You sound like you have a very strong need to set things up so you have to rely on her for everything, like you don't want to fully own your life. 50-60K isn't a bad income at all, but yet you set things up so that your lifestyle is so expensive that you HAVE to rely on your wife making a lot of money. You sabotage yourself by actively pressuring your wife to look really attractive while at the same time preventing yourself from looking (or feeling) good. 

As far as the gym - can't you just go at different times from her if you don't want to go with her?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

guyneedshelp said:


> Really? This is the first time I've ever posted here.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It sounds like the other posters are inferring that your wife is here on TAM telling her side of things; asking for advice etc.


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## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

I understand. But it seems nothing pleases her... She is very polite etc but she seems shutdown to me. 

How can a guy turn that around? Seems pointless. Therapy didn't seenu to do anything other than drum up old stories where I screwed up ... 

She had an EA years ago but I think it was a full on affair. I often catch her in little lies too. Saying she did xyz but I find out late... She did not. She's not perfect either! 





John Lee said:


> Lack of ambition is one thing, habitual dependency is another. You sound like you have a very strong need to set things up so you have to rely on her for everything, like you don't want to fully own your life. 50-60K isn't a bad income at all, but yet you set things up so that your lifestyle is so expensive that you HAVE to rely on your wife making a lot of money. You sabotage yourself by actively pressuring your wife to look really attractive while at the same time preventing yourself from looking (or feeling) good.
> 
> As far as the gym - can't you just go at different times from her if you don't want to go with her?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If she's there its not too late but I would get to talking and sorting things out.

Seems like it really bothers you she makes more than you. Maybe you should spend some of your energy promoting yourself instead of worrying about her looking better to promote herself.

By asking her to get cosmetic surgery she may of took that as a cut down on her looks. No woman responds well to a man that makes her feel bad about how she looks.


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## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

All I know is that I don't want this to end in divorce, but I feel like she's already gone. As I told her the LAST time she threatened divorce, I don't think I've ever been the person she wants. She said that's not true, but I think it is. 

So, is this just going to be a se*less marriage...if she doesn't leave? Maybe she will cheat on me? Sad thing is that I think she already has, and I still don't feel compelled to leave. 

We take our child to school together in the morning, I make her coffee and then she goes and works out for an 1 hour...I work my part time job and come home and try to do a little more work and then I have to watch our child until bedtime. She works all the time and I know that's her career (her hours are noon to 10pm) but it's not easy to be at home either. 

I text her to see how she's doing and she's short with me. She does come home and see us at dinner time every night, but then she's right back to work. Weekends seem to go by so fast and I even asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend (get a sitter) and she suggested we go to dinner with our child instead. 

It's not an easy situation....


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

guyneedshelp said:


> All I know is that I don't want this to end in divorce, but I feel like she's already gone. As I told her the LAST time she threatened divorce, I don't think I've ever been the person she wants. She said that's not true, but I think it is.
> 
> So, is this just going to be a se*less marriage...if she doesn't leave? Maybe she will cheat on me? Sad thing is that I think she already has, and I still don't feel compelled to leave.
> 
> ...


She has had an EA, did she say she was sorry? if you think it went physical, I think you should tell her she'd god d**mn better do what you need her to do to satisfy you that it didn't (e.g polygraph). IMO you don't put up with that from any wife, no matter how great she is otherwise........


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If your wife is who I think she is, she is very open to this (and even suggested it one time). I think it would be a big help: Marriage Help Program For Couples


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> She has had an EA, did she say she was sorry? if you think it went physical, I think you should tell her she'd god d**mn better do what you need her to do to satisfy you that it didn't (e.g polygraph). IMO you don't put up with that from any wife, no matter how great she is otherwise........


Polygraphs are wrong about 25% of the time. So the are near useless .. except for getting parking lot confession before going in to do the ploy.


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## guyneedshelp (Oct 11, 2013)

She said she was sorry...but told me at the time that it was indicative of our relationship problems that I hadn't tried to address. She did apologize consistently...but she pointed it out that it happened with the guy I pushed her to network with...as if it's MY fault...she crossed line. Yes, she told me he was very flirty...but I didn't think she was going to end up doing anything. 

PS I don't think my wife's story is on the site...I don't see it. Maybe it was sometime ago? I would be horrified to read it...



nuclearnightmare said:


> She has had an EA, did she say she was sorry? if you think it went physical, I think you should tell her she'd god d**mn better do what you need her to do to satisfy you that it didn't (e.g polygraph). IMO you don't put up with that from any wife, no matter how great she is otherwise........


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

After reading this, it comes down to this. Rather than trying to improve yourself because it's too hard, your doing nothing but pimping your wife out with the clothing that reveals cleavage and go get plastic surgery so she can make more money and you can become even more lethargic. 

Why don't you stop acting like a fool and do something that she can be proud of. If she did have a PA, which is wrong you have no one to blame but yourself. Your hanging yourself and if you don't take a self improvement class, she's going to take her cleavage and leave you in the dust. Wake up and do something with your life.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

guyneedshelp said:


> I understand. But it seems nothing pleases her... She is very polite etc but she seems shutdown to me.
> 
> How can a guy turn that around? Seems pointless. Therapy didn't seenu to do anything other than drum up old stories where I screwed up ...
> 
> ...


It sounds to me like you need to work on your own self-respect, whether or not your marriage is fixable. She may be gone -- sometimes there's nothing we can do to stop another person from leaving. And she may not be. But either way, do you want to sit around being a sad sack? Look at the EA -- she tried to make you feel like it was your fault. Well there's no way that's true, that's never true, that's just an excuse people make. But did you stand your ground, or did you let her convince you that it was your fault? 

I really think you need to stop focusing on "how can I get her to like me again?" and start thinking more about how to work on yourself. Therapy doesn't work, I can't go to the gym because I'm embarrassed, etc. -- these sound like EXCUSES. Stop making excuses.


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