# I need help... I cant/dont want to let go...



## HeartbreakHotelGuest

Slow start but please read completely...My husband and i have been married 12 years. We have 4 great children together. We have had our good moments and our bad ones- regular married things. Weve been together through the worst of times and great times too. We havent been on a date or vacation since 2001. We have had our same reocurring problems, not enough sex, things that didnt get done, but nothing i thought would cause a want for divorce. He he constantly brings up things that happened years ago (for example i was once offered repairmen espresso coffee which was culturally the thing to do on his expresso machine which i hated using to make his carmel machiattos because i always managed to get burned by the ?frother? I asked for his help and I never actually made the coffee -anyway even though i apologized 100 times to this moment it still gets brought up that I was willing to do something for other people that I didn’t do for him). For my part in this, he has always has felt i never put him first (im a sahm and i put the children first). We took in his troubled teenage daughter from a previous marriage in 2009 and she caused massive contention between them, which didnt help. He didnt want to be around her - which led to him distancing himself from all of us. I would tell him i would fix things that bothered him when he would complain and would apparently revert back to my ways after a few weeks. 

In Feburary in a heated fight about something stupid he packed and left and checked into a hotel, i told him i was sorry (it wasnt my fault, but i wanted him to come home, pride came a distant second) and he came home the very nexty day. In the begining of april i found out he opened bank accounts(savings and checkings with direct deposit ) in his name because he accidentally let it slip. He told me he was "positioning" himself in case things didnt get better (they were never really bad, by average married standards). I didnt make a big deal out of it but i was very hurt that he was keeping things from me. Then he stopped telling me he loved me. He put his phone and laptop on lockdown. By mid May his daughter turned of legal age and moved out i thought things would get better since he would be more willing to be around us. I was not prepared for what i got a week later instead, the "i love you but im not in love with you" speech, followed by he doesnt trust me to put him first and take care of him and look out for him. I cried and pleaded, and have cried everyday since. i can't imagine him not being part of my life.
He said he would stay for the children, but we were done. He started working out and losing weight and continued the distance, listening to blaring music that’s not his normal genre. 
On May 30th i took the children to the end of the year school play, when i returned he announced that he was leaving on a trip to the asia pacific for 2 weeks June 1st, as a business trip venture for a friend (but as vacation from his real job). I should have mentioned before that money for us is very tight and we live paycheck to paycheck. His friend paid for the trip from the west coast to the final destination, however none of the tickets from the east coast to the west coast or expenses. When he left, I broke down and emotionally hit rock bottom, while caring for our 4 children with a smile so they wouldnt know anything. I didnt sleep or eat. I read everything and anything about how to save a marriage. I didnt know you had to work hard at it, i thought it was unconditional (barring something horrible like abuse or infidelity ), I found out i had disrepected him by not putting him first and things i had done wrong- nothing terrible just little things over time. We barely spoke for those 2 weeks, in the meantime he emailed pictures to the kids that were taken of him -not taken himself, all smiles, sans his wedding ring. He later said his hands had become swollen so he took it off, but hasn’t worn it to this day. His real job also had a picture of him and a co-worker from his real job in that country, which he speaks regularly because of the time difference. Hes in IT so they make system changes off of normal business hours here in the states. He was supposed to meet the team but she was the only one who showed up and she bought and sent gifts for all our children him & me (the right sizes too- awfully good guesses for the kids and my husband and a purse for me). He took video of the kids receiving the gifts and shared it with her. Im not sure what to think about all that. He says hes not remotely interested in her, and that she showed up late literally 5 min before he stepped on the plane -but I have to admit that made me uncomfortable, of course I threw everything away. He didn’t buy us anything, some woman did. 

The day he came back, we made love, he said he missed me, that he was willing to work on the marriage and that he wanted to look for another job as the break made him realize how much stress it was causing him. I was elated with what i now understood, i knew i could make our relationship right because now i "got" things, and he wanted to leave his job where everyone is single and less than morally correct, so maybe there wasn’t someone else ....but the very next day, he told me he loves me and cares for me but he just wasn’t in love with me and he had debated telling me that he had "missed me like like an old shirt, not his right arm". In the weeks that followed I continued crying and pleading. Our money situation became dire and he took out his frustration on me, i coudnt help it anymore and told him it was his selfishness in taking that trip which was not necessary so he can take a vacation that was making him angry, not me. He told me i was right he didnt have to go, but he wanted to go and if he hadnt he would have left/divorced me. I also told him it was wrong to keep things like bank accounts and putting passwords on phones from me like hes hiding things (one of the kids knocked over his work laptop bag and it spilled out onto the floor when i picked up the papers i saw he was getting mail sent to another address (which he says is a male co-worker's home.) I asked to see the pictures on his phone, the next day before leaving to work he handed me the phone to look at the gallery there was only the same pics he sent during his trip (apparently he thought I wouldn’t think hed moved them off), while the phone was in my hands I saw the contact button and went to push it he yanked the phone from my hand so roughly he broke an acrylic nail (I took some birthday money I had put away and got nails and a new hair cut to look nice when he came home as some sites suggested men were visual creatures he noticed several days later because of the kids commenting how much they liked it) 

On the following weekend he opened his laptop and opened his bank account statements on line and his contacts list for me to go through to lay my concerns to rest and left to pick up ciggerettes. Our internet booted me off the statements and i didnt check his email but I did decide to check his pictures because as i mentioned the pictures of him on his trip were taken of him - not taken himself and idk it really bothered me, he would never let anyone hold his phone, period, ever. There was 2 camera rolls of pictures of a naked young asian woman in his "attachments" on his laptop, sent April 12th, I was devasted…. he says that a work assosciate/buddy of his who likes to date strippers sent him pictures of his latest and greatest conquest. I did not see where the email they originated from. He swore that there is no one else physically or emotionally and that he has not cheated. Still awfully coincidental it was an asian woman. Right? but i want to trust him and he had told me about his buddy dating strippers back in april. The other thing I am really scared of is that he is indeed looking for another job alright…. ABROAD….where he took his trip to and that he wants to move us out there because our quality of life would be better (in a third world country???? Im terrified hes gonna dump me and steal the kids away and leave me stranded there)…

Forwarding from then till now he says we just need to focus on being friends. That if something develops he would "not block it from happening" but he didnt see it happening. That he loves me and cares about me but just doesnt have "those" feelings for me. That he is staying for the kids and because he cares what happens to me. He says Im pushing him to have these conversations he doesnt want to have. He doesnt want me to do anything for him, like pack lunches or be affectionate because he doesnt want to give me a false sense of where we are, and he is not interested in trying to make it work. He says things like if i was some kind of pshyco or a crappy person this would be easy. He sleeps in our bed and we have made love (weve always had great sex). For my part, I am initiating since his return at least 3x times a week because I want to (and to be honestpartly to be close to him). I am trying to look more attractive (im a jeans and tshirt girl). I have told him i will not push him and that i will respect his privacy. I have also asked several times for a last chance because i understand things now and because i love him very much and i dont want to end our marriage. He says he doesnt want me to do anything because it makes him angry that i didnt do anything for 12 years and now i just want what i cant have and that its all fake. I understand that you can only know what you can read here and i cant possibly go over every detail. But believe me when I tell you he says just enough to keep me questioning if there is any hope. He is constantly telling me to walk away if I want and leave the kids because I will end of losing them since I cant support them and he will still get them in the end. That I can be easily replaced for the crappy job that I do and in the next breath he will tell me im a good mother and that im beautiful and that I have value…. Of course my suspicions of someone else are in over drive but I'm not 100% sure. Do i have a chance at all to save my marriage? Just tell it to me straight. 90% of stuff out there says one spouse can save a marriage but there is the 10% that says that it takes both people. I do not believe the 180 I have read about here will work for me. I think it will just make it easier for him to end things indefinitely. As for working on myself we only have one car which he drives to work, I have no funds, no friends, and my closest family is 300 miles away (its my parents who don’t have space for us and my mothers advice so far has been to stick it out as long as I can and keep a roof over the kids heads)…Im terrified that I will ruin our kids lives by not being able to support them with some min. wage job and stuffing us into some 2 bedroom apartment which is all I figure I will be able to afford. I swear I would love to read his mind and find out what is really going on. If I do have to move on what chance does someone like me have (42yo with 4 small children, no job, out of the job market 12 years)? I would think 4 kids would send guys running for the hills. Will i just be married and lonely or alone and lonely, for the rest of my life?
Please no h8ers. I know now what I have done wrong and would give anything to get one last chance. I just feel – lost. If you made it this far you have my deepest gratitude for taking the time from your own situations to help a stranger. I welcome advice from everyone who took the time to read this but I especially would like to hear from the guys its like they have a secret shared language- 

-nikki


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## This is me

Sorry It got long so I skipped the last part.

ILYBNILY line is nearly always due to someone else in the picture and your suspicions are very likely correct with the rest of the information you describe. Much of what you say points to a mid-life crisis and a PA. Be careful for getting STD's. You should demand he proves he is clean before your next encounter should it happen.

My advice: 180. No more breaking down for him. You need to be strong as hard as it can be. Since this may be a MLC fog he may come out of it and if you want to save your marriage, you need to get educated. Read Divorce Busting and see if he will do MC.

I am sorry this is happening to you and I wish you and your family well!


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## This is me

Does any of this sound fimiliar??

MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

We just had a fight... He told me its over. He doesn't want a wife and its too bad i was willing to try and figured things out too late. hes always said he'll never be alone... he said its over and i need to start positioning myself i can barely type through the tears... I have nowhere to go no one to turn to...
he was so cold and uncaring knowing hes ripping my heart out and stomping on it with the things hes saying to me.


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## Maricha75

Honey, I agree that you need to do the 180, for yourself. Perhaps he will change his tune, perhaps not. Regardless of the outcome, you need to do better for YOU, and for your children. Focus on you and the kids, not him. Take care, and keep us posted, no matter what happens.

My signature shows I have been married as long as you have, but both of us had EAs. We were able to reconnect. I hope things turn around for you, but if they don't, I know you can be strong. Be strong for the kids, be strong for you. Find a friend you can talk to about all of this. Someone you can completely trust, who will not condemn EITHER of you if things turn around and your marriage improves. But she also needs to be the type who can really listen. But know that we on TAM are here for you.

*hugs*


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## Hope1964

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and forget about him. He is a liar and a cheat. Guaranteed he had sex with at least one OW on that trip - maybe more. Quit sniveling and pull up your socks, you need to be there for your kids. Tell him you want him to move out 'for you and the kids' because him being there and stringing you along is NOT good for anyone at all, except him.

Oh, and get tested for STD's because God only knows what he brought back from that trip.


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## This is me

180!!! It is for you!!!


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## This is me

The 180 list is on this page:

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

This is me, thanks so much for the links. I will begin my 180...I have nothing left to lose now. At this moment im no longer crying but... just numb ...from this afternoon... he was so uncaring and hurtful... i was baring my soul to him and he didnt care. Just kept telling me to start preparing for the end, over and over. I guess he no longer wants to stay for the kids like he had told me he would. Seems i have no choice but to do the 180 -he is here, but i might as well be alone, if i make it through this one thing i do know is i will never put myself in this position again, this is just to painful. 

Hope1964, i wish i had your strength to just stop "sniveling" while I lose the love of my life and he keeps turning the knife in my heart and the thoughts of never feeling love again find their way into every thought. 

- and i will try and get some place and be tested, hes not the type to sleep around so if there is another woman she's a steady. 
Nonetheless, its a good idea. Those women over there pray on american guys to bring them here or marry and provide for them.


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## Maricha75

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> This is me, thanks so much for the links. I will begin my 180...I have nothing left to lose now. At this moment im no longer crying but... just numb ...from this afternoon... he was so uncaring and hurtful... i was baring my soul to him and he didnt care. Just kept telling me to start preparing for the end, over and over. I guess he no longer wants to stay for the kids like he had told me he would. Seems i have no choice but to do the 180 -he is here, but i might as well be alone, if i make it through this one thing i do know is i will never put myself in this position again, this is just to painful.
> 
> Hope1964, i wish i had your strength to just stop "sniveling" while I lose the love of my life and he keeps turning the knife in my heart and the thoughts of never feeling love again find their way into every thought.
> 
> - and i will try and get some place and be tested, hes not the type to sleep around so if there is another woman she's a steady.
> Nonetheless, its a good idea. Those women over there pray on american guys to bring them here or marry and provide for them.


Heartbreak, Hope may have seemed harsh, but it was intended to get you to find your backbone for you and for the kids. She knows how it feels to have a WS, as do I. As has been stated, 180. And if/when he notices you are aloof/indifferent, don't let him reel you back in. Keep with it. Stay strong, no matter what happens.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

i wasn being crappy.... i really wish i had the strength and that i didnt care and- if this is what you want - then c'ya... 

She was right, i must look pathetic, i just have my back against a wall. Im worried about the boys not having a dad around. The thought of having to see him with someone else. the thought of him loving and marrying someone else. Not having a job, a car, a place to live, the kids having a crappy life and doing without, while hes out living his bachelor dream, going out partying while i struggle. Like i said a 42yo with 4 small kids will send any decent guys running for the hills.... 

i dont think theres anything left for me to do or say, just the 180 and may the chips fall where they may.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

seems like all i did was post on here and everything snowballed...

its 9:57 p.m. here - he just grabbed his pillows and moved to the couch, he has left our bed, and he won't be coming back to it. 

i did not say a word and let him do it. It is killing me inside not trying to get him back in here in our bed and i feel like if i dont do it now it wont happen later- i didnt let him see me cry. im trying to follow the 180 link you guys sent me and it is painfully hard, i just want to be in his arms. I cant imagine a week from now without any part of him. I think I am mostly typing this to get it off my chest, i feel now that i have truly lost him.


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## This is me

I know how hard it is. Many of us do, but it is without a doubt the best thing you can do. Trust us!

Keep this in mind. When you show weakness, you look unattractive. When my wife said she wanted to divorce and there was no changing it, I begged, pleaded, cried and tried to remind her of all the good we had shared. It didn't work.

When I finally woke up to face it, I told her I now understand our marriage is damaged and if she wanted to Divorce than I would go along with it. Short and confident. She broke down and cried. ????? I was shocked. She saw me as stronger and attractive, likely started to think about what she was losing.

I am not saying to do this, but in a way it was the 180. Just the opposite of what felt natural to me and after it took many months of MC even a 4 month seperation, but we are still together.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best. I wish you well!!


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## daggeredheart

I also wanted to add that the 180 is perfect right now for you. It helps you break your addiction to your spouse and it also changes the "song" he's been watching you perform. It gives you dignity. See he thinks the cards are all in his hands, and he knows exactly where you stand. He thinks he has all the power but you actually have more than you know. You have your kids, you have your daily life and although it seems like he is on top.......you will deal with the loss earlier and he will be dealing with it when 6 months down the road when reality hits him that you are picking up and moving on. 


It won't be easy but it's doable. He can't leave you penniless because he has to do child support for the kids. You are just panicking right now but take one day at a time.....heck one second at a time. 

How old are your children?


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## Poppy

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart is breaking for you. My H is also in IT and I can assure you that if your H was in Asia (We lived in Singapore for a year.. and he had sex with at least 8 women) then you must NOT have unprotected sex with your H..of any kind! Get yourself tested for everything. My H and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 10 and 12 and I would have also said that he was not the sort to ever have been unfaithful. He is softly spoken, intelligent and a gentle giant of a man...I was very, very wrong. If you would like to PM me please do. I am lifting you up in my thoughts.


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## noelle

WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries

Do not give up! Stand for your marriage! God will bring you a miracle. There is so much information on that website that will do wonders for you. If you have a facebook please look me up "Noelle Patience" I have so many pages that I can recommend that will encourage your stand and your faith.

There is a huge community of people who are trusting our Lord for the healing of marriages. Once at Rejoice Marriage Ministries, look at their Restored Marriages pages (there are over 30 pages) and their Testimonies (over 180 pages) and be strengthened.

Your spouse may need space, he may be extremely confused, he may be cruel. What he needs from you is for you to let him go. Let him go and trust God to bring him home. In the meantime love him unconditionally -- not easy, I can assure you. Remember though, there is a difference between loving someone and begging. Do not beg. Do not try to manipulate the situation to keep him at home, just let it go.
I am almost four months into separation but no progress was made for the first two because I was persistent in trying to bring him home. He wanted nothing to do with me and couldn't stand to talk to me.
Now that I have let go, he smiles when I tell him that I am certain things will work out. He is amazed at how sure I am when he is so confused. I know that he is appreciative though, I actually hear I love you again.
That is not because of the "actions" that I have done. Many things on the 180 are going to happen naturally when you start loving your spouse the way the bible intends.

I know it hurts but I believe that your strength, patience, and love will be a beacon to him. He may need to break completely and it could take a while, but you, his loving wife, standing firm and keeping the promises you gave at your wedding will bring him home.
I am praying for you!


*** Even if you are not a Christian, even if you believe Jesus never existed, living the way He did will better your marriage.
Be patient, be kind. Do not envy, do not boast, don't be proud. Do not dishonor others, do not be self-seeking, do not be easily angered, keep no record of wrong doings. Do not delight in evil but rejoice in truth. Always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere.
Why?? Because Love Never Fails!


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## noelle

Another thing... Forgive him! For all the things he has already done and all of the incredibly stupid things that he will do throughout the rest of this bump in your marriage. Be prepared to forgive him for everything. You have had twelve years of a loving marriage, so what if you have to endure a few months, or even a year of suffering to have thirty more years of an even BETTER marriage. Forgiveness is key.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

thank so much for your support. My children are 11, 9, 7 and 5 btw.

I know it hasn't been 24 hours but ive stayed true to 180 form, I will be filling out fafsa??? forms early next week (financial aid forms) and am looking at doing college online. I did not break down and try to woo him back to bed last night, he tossed and turned all night i could hear him shuffling. I did not say a word this morning although he tried to tell me about a dream he had about us and the kids. i did not make his coffee for his commute, didnt pack his lunch. I did tell him i accept where we are over finally and i would no longer be wifely -just co-exisist and that he should let me know how we are proceeding when hes ready. I did break down once so far, but at least i managed it privately, its a start, right? 

lastly, my concern as far as child support goes, is that he will get a job abroad, leave the country and not pay support. New relationships cost money after all  and it wont able to be enforced....


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## Maricha75

Talk to a lawyer about those concerns, Heartbreak. A lawyer can advise you best on how those can factor in.


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## Hope1964

Heartbreak, I hope you know I only have your best interest in mind. A figurative slap in the face often wakes people up.

(You also can ignore everything noelle posted right? Because it is all utter nonsense)

You are doing great. Keep up with the 180. It's SO VERY hard to do, but you CAN do it.

About the child support. That's always a tough one. My advice is always to assume you will never get any and plan accordingly, but at the same time try to get as much as you can. 18 years ago I left my first husband and went on welfare to get away from him. I had a 4 month old, a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old. I had no job. We were so poor, every day was a struggle. My ex was sued by the government to pay because I was on welfare. After a few years, when we divorced, his numbers were plugged into the formula they use and the amount of $541 per month was determined to be what he had to pay me. So far I hadn't gotten a single cent because if he had paid anything it would have gone to the government. He wasn't paying anyway.

So I finally get off welfare, now the payments are supposed to come to me. but of course I get nothing. This goes on for years, except that every few years I would suddenly get a bunch of money deposited in my bank account from child support, when he files taxes or something. But nothing steady that I could count on. If I'd counted on it, I would have been in big trouble.

Today, he owes over $65,000.00 in arrears. He can't get a normal job or his wages are garnisheed. He can't leave the country, he can't get a drivers license or a gun license or a passport. I guess he's OK with living like that, though, since he's been doing it for almost 2 decades.

So plan on being independent. Anything else, and you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

Thanks for the advice Maricha, but i dont think im ready to see a lawyer just yet... I am still accepting letting him go, if i tried to talk to attorney id just turn into a balling,blubberring idiot and besides... i dont have the cash. Not saying i wont, i know i have to look out for the kids, i just need to build up the strength and calm inner peace to do it -wisely. 

Hope, we are good, like i said i wasnt hurt by what you said as much i wish i _was_ stronger to deal with this sh*t. You were right, plain and simple. I commend you - for the having the strength to leave your ex and stand on your own 2 feet with really little kids. Honestly, 18 years ago i might have done it and not looked back, i guess being older is part of whats freaking me out. The very real thought that i'll never find love again as my H walks away - its not the same for guys is it?.... Anyway- i admire that you made it on your own, there is something reassuring about hearing from someone whos been there done that.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest

well. I was starting to get encouraged by the 180 thing... i was doing it... out of the blue he kept calling me. We spoke like 6 times, pleasantly too, that hasnt happened in months......... then came yesterday evening......

he laid out the terms... I should go back to school - he will pick up the tab (at least he says for now, im not counting on it) he will move us to the city in a few months- 2 _SEPERATE_ apartments within a mile of each other for 50/50 joint custody you know the rest - every other weekend yadda, yadda.... I took it in stride doing my best. I said okay and that i understood his position. He then said he was taking us out for some burgers... while we were there he took pictures of our kids (HE HAS NEVER TAKEN PICTURES, even at award ceremonies the 2 times hes ever been, etc...) i guess i gave him a questioning look and he asked "what" i said "nothing".. he pushed... i said nicely mind you, "you never take pics, is all" ... he said, snidely... "I've Never been leaving before, have I. We *are* getting divorced, *I have applied abroad *and *i wil be gone"* - i kept my mouth shut. Last night he did move back to our bed, but not before reminding me several times that "this is over - we are divorcing" and "I am empty inside and there are no more chances for me to give", "sorry your were a percenter" and "Iam sorry you figured things out too little too late" "I'm, or want to give" and telling me he will be getting a futon for the bedroom to sleep on, even though i said nothing else... He honestly isnt the type to change his mind about anything. I think it might be time for me to move from this board over to the going through divorce board. I think there really doesnt seem to be anything to do or say...


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## Hope1964

It's time for you to see a lawyer. Now. You have to. I am sorry.


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## lulubelle

This is me said:


> Does any of this sound fimiliar??
> 
> MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


omg this mad me laugh, but not in a good way! this is chad almost to a tee.


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## Maricha75

Heartbreak... he moved back into your bedroom? Could you possibly move to one of the kids' rooms? You have a daughter, right? Or all sons? Honestly, move out of the room. Don't share a bed with him. He wants a divorce, don't let him try to give you false hope. That's what he is doing in coming back to your bed...tho he says the words "we're still divorcing".

Regarding a lawyer, Hope is right. Go now. At the very least, go for a consultation. Many will do that for free. I know it's tough. My sisters have both gone thru divorce (one just filed a few months ago). But you need to at least get the information, so you are prepared. But Hope is right as well... plan on getting nothing, so you know what you need to do. My sister's STBXH is constantly in and out of jail for s bunch of stupid stuff he keeps doing. Most of it is domestic violence. Anyway, she knows she will never get a cent from him. She is doing what she needs to...for herself and their daughter. You need to do the same.


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## angelpixie

HHG, please know you have people here who care. Your story _is_ heartbreaking. I think all the advice you're getting is spot on -- especially with him heading out of the country, and you two having 4 kids together, you need to see a lawyer for your and their sakes. And please get yourself tested. You need to be healthy and strong for yourself and your kids. You've got to know that it's not just you -- he's willing to just walk away from his kids to go to another country when it isn't necessary. That has nothing to do with you. It's about him, and I know it's hard to wrap your head around this, but you now have to protect yourself against him. You have to forget that you love him. Force yourself to think of him as objectively as possible, and ask yourself if he's someone you'd really want to be married to, or to have in your bed. I'll be the answer is no. He is acting very evil right now, and doesn't deserve to be trusted or treated with any extra kindness. Certainly not with any loving care. Save that for your kids and yourself. ((hugs)) to you, dear one.


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## sisters359

You can usually see a lawyer for a first visit free--they tell you what they think they can do for you. Visit a couple and find out this info, plus their fees. And don't even try to hide this from him--let him know you are "lawyering up."

Do it now, and visit your doctor right now for a complete STD screening. He has clearly been unfaithful--there is simply no doubt about that, from the way he has acted. Locking down the computer and phone? No need for that if he isn't hiding something. 

I'd be tempted to call his employer and explain that if he is given the job overseas, you might be left penniless with 4 kids. Be sure to tell his parents and siblings, too. Total exposure on what he has decided to do. 

You have NO reason to trust him now, and he has shifted all blame for the failure of the marriage onto you. Don't let him--it takes two for a marriage to fail under most circumstances, but it only takes ONE to cheat. Do not accept responsibility at all for his cheating. Do not accept more than 50% responsibility for the end of the marriage. He could have done something long ago if he was unhappy, but instead he agreed to having 4 kids, all 2 years apart, with you. What was he thinking? If he felt so marginalized when you had a baby, why agree to 3 more?

Get tough, get mad, and insist that he sleep elsewhere. he is the one wanting the divorce, not you. 

Turn tables on him and let him know that you are ok with divorce and you will be glad to be rid of someone so selfish. And keep working on the 180 and on yourself b/c that is exactly what you want to realize--you are better off without him, if he is going to refuse to accept his part of the responsibilities. You don't need a 5th emotional child on your hands. 

God bless.


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## angelpixie

sisters359 said:


> You don't need a 5th emotional child on your hands.


^^^ This ^^^


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## HisMrs83

sisters359 said:


> You don't need a 5th emotional child on your hands.


That's exactly what it sound like to me. He wants the chase. HE doesn't even know what he wants, yet!


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