# How To Deal With A Cheater Although He Still Denies It?



## Diamond Scion (Feb 8, 2012)

I have been with my boyfriend (husband) for almost 19 years, we have two children together. My kids totally love him and I think that it will break them apart if we broke up. I have no one to talk to about this so I am hoping someone can give me some advice. 

About 5 months ago I found a weird message on his phone and decided to find out who this person was. After contacting this person I was told that they have known each other for 8 years and that they have a 5 years son and have been seeing each other on and off. I confronted him and of course he totally denied it. He confirms that he knew her and that they hung out together but that they never had any type of relationship other than a friendship which he states that she wanted more than that so that, and that he had not seen her in long time. I should also let you know that although his name is not on the birth certificate but the child's name is similar to his and has his last name on both the birth certificate and social security card, she also sent me pictures of them together (picture is of them together and I would never take a picture like that with a male friend) and a copy of a message that goes back and forth between them and him indicating that he wants to see her. When I confronted him once again with this information he said he did not know anything about it and that she must have set it up somehow and that she was crazy and only wanted to break us up. He refuses to do a DNA test. 

It now seems to me that the last 8 years of our relationship was all a lie. He wants us to move on from this as though nothing has happen. He still denies that whole thing but I did tell him that if he did cheat on me I don't want anything to do with him anymore (so I don't know if he is denying it for this reason). Now, he is home all the time and calls me to tell me everything he is doing so that I won't think he is doing anything wrong. 

I should say that's hard for me to express my feelings and intend to hold everything inside, but this is really taking a tow on me. I can't sleep, eat and am constantly thinking about it. I try to pretend like nothing is wrong but it's actually breaking inside. Am I missing something? Doesn't this sound like he totally had a relationship with her? I am trying to find out if I should I see a counselor?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Yes see a counselor. Damn.... I'm not even sure what to say to you. Sorry you are in this mess.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, in my opinion if cheating and lying to you are deal breakers, you should tell him to take the paternity test or it's over. Failure to take the test has the same consequences as failing the test. Define your boundaries and enforce them.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Yes see a IC. 

What about the copys of proof she has, is there anyway to check to see if these are real? I would start doing some work and checking her story out and as for him......... 

His name is the child's last name. How did this happen? What does he say about that fact? I would tell him DNA test or get out. 
Don't let him talk you into just walking away from this because it is always going to sit in the back of your mind and eat at you. 
Start digging and finding out all you can about her claims and get to someone you can talk with about all this.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yikes, I'm sooo sorry, this must be pretty hard. 5 months ago this started? And you still don't know what is really going on? That's a long time to be in limbo. 

He needs to get the DNA testing, you need to get STD testing.

At best, he has a crazy woman telling lies about him. Why hasn't he called a lawyer? Why isn't he protecting his family?

At worst, he cheated on you and maybe fathered a child. 
I can barely imagine what you are going through. I know the feeling of wanting proof... but in a much smaller scale. 

Quick way to find out is force the issue. Plan it out. Proceed with seperating finances and ask him to move out. If he really truly did nothing wrong, he'll prove it. One way or another. And yes it's okay to ask him to prove it. That's some wild accusations. And prove-able. so he should be doing that, at the very least. Or you won't be able to get past this. 

I hope you find some answers


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## Diamond Scion (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanks.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Crikey...sorry your going this, it must be very painful.

Personally I would insist on the DNA test before anything else.
If he wasn't the father he would have nothing to fear from it...he would be glad for the truth to known and to clear his name.

Did the OM know about you? 
Does she know he is saying she's crazy and the boy isn't his?

Who knows at this point..she might be crazy and the child not his... a DNA test will sort that.

Until then it's just his word against her...

Best of luck with this!


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## Diamond Scion (Feb 8, 2012)

She claims that he told her that we were not together as she knows that had two children.

She also says that his family knew about their relationship and knew about the child.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did she say the baby was his? Do you know her? Did you know of their friendship or did you have no clue who she was before you found the messages?


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## Diamond Scion (Feb 8, 2012)

She says the baby is his. I didn't know about her or their friendship. Although I knew he had many friends.


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## wizer (Feb 8, 2012)

The baby has his last name on the SS card and Birth certificate, he's carried on with this woman for more than 5 years and kept it a complete secret, he refuses to take a DNA test and you're questioning whether or not he had sex with her?

Really?

I've been on this forum one day and I cannot believe what I am reading here from seemingly intelligent people in complete and utter denial.

Kick his ass to the curb and get on with your life.

Seriously.

Edited to add: At the very LEAST, tell him if he doesn't agree to a paternity test then you're seeing a divorce attorney next week.


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