# should this be ok?



## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

when i gave birth in january 2010 my husband and i decided that i go home with my baby in my home country and my husband was left in the mid east to work,ive stayed in my homecountry for 6 months and went back in the mid east when my baby turned 6months..lastnight my husband forgot to signed off on his yahoomail and i kind of feel that i want to browse for the heck of it,i found out that my husband have an account on couchsurfing and i have read some reply messages inviting girls for a coffee,bar hopping,cinemas and what not, in between the dates that i was gone,at first i felt bad and for a second thought well he must be just trying to entertain himself as here in the mid east is quite boring and no life at all,but on the 3rd thought he could keep himself busy with other stuff such as sports,writing as he writes as well.this morning i could not look at him in the eye, i hate him.i mean yeah ok when i went home i went out alot i partied alot but with friends no dates no nothing,although i did not tell him about all of it i just had fun...will you consider his behaviour infidelity or just plain normal for a human being to socialize,although that kind of socialization can lead to one thing or worst a real infidelity,what if i decide to go home again for like a month or two?will he ever do it again?argh this thoughts are killing me.and i what i hate the most was all his invites are with the same race as mine.. really really sad today,i even feel i wanna get even.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's not ok if he's not told you all about it, in advance and afterwards. If he's hiding it, he's hiding it for a reason. Could be innocent enough activity, but there is no room for secrets within a marriage.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

When you went out a lot and partied a lot with friends, could this information have been fed back to him by someone, making him think one thing that might not have been the case? 
Just a thought, you know. One of the problems in my marriage was misinformation and miscommunication. Had someone told you that he was going out all the time while you were in your home country, would you have thought it might be involvement with other women?
Get this stuff clarified. Dating other women of course is not okay. Invitations to other women to go out, is not okay in a marriage. 
I would however hate to think it was based on his own concerns that you yourself were out dating others while he was away..


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

@ 2xloser:he didnt really mentioned it to me but he told me that during the time that i was back home he had few drinks at the bar,he socialized with the cabin crews that "he met" in the club 

@Shooboomafoo:i dont think somebody have told him about me partying again,yeah and i think u have a point there inviting women to go out is not ok,im still confused,i dont know how to tell him that i browsed on his email cuz i dont want him to think that im spying on him or anything,do i have the rights to get upset for that matter?id like to consider the reason was becuz im far away from him,but i too been a far but never entertained any invites.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

but you ARE spying on him, have serious doubts and trust issues, and you should tell him that. As shoo says, getting it out in the open and clarified either way is of utmost importance if you are going to work this out. You need to essentially 'start over' with re-building trust between the two of you.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

yeah i admit i have spyed on him and voila found out stuff...but anyway,i tried to open it up to him and turned out that its my fault,my fault that i should not go through his personal stuff and it came to a point that he wants a divorce,it hurts alot cuz i was so clear to him that i just wanna voiced out what i feel about him inviting girls for cinema while i was not around,i guess voiceing out sometimes wont work...im kind of confused now i dont know what would be my next move,im thinking to go,i dont wann be stuck with someone who wont commit himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. I could see how it's your fault you found out his secrets. That makes all his affairs your fault. If you just didn't read his personal mail....

Lol!

The blame shifting technique is common with wayward spouses. They try to make you feel guilty and confused, because it takes the blame off of them.

I was told the same thing. It's all my fault. If I didn't read her personal text messages on her phone, none of this would be an issue. 

Don't believe in his words. You know he's cheating now. And as long as he's cheating, he won't commit to the marriage.

Besides, in my opinion, this guy is an asshat for doing this to you and his baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Yeah. I could see how it's your fault you found out his secrets. That makes all his affairs your fault. If you just didn't read his personal mail....
> 
> Lol!
> 
> ...



true!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You "partied a lot". Can you clarify? You didn't go "on dates", but you surely met men while out. They bought you drinks? You hung out with them? Maybe met them at the same bars multiple times? Got to know them? Maybe danced a little?

Sounds like you both did the same things while you were apart, yes? I don't see a difference.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> i hate him.i mean yeah ok when i went home i went out alot i partied alot but with friends no dates no nothing, *although i did not tell him about all of it i just had fun...*


If you did nothing wrong then why hide the truth from your husband that you went out with your friends to party but did not dance with other men or date other men? This in no way means that what he´s doing is ok but neither is hiding the truth about your partying from him. 

You want a real marriage then sit down with your husband and tell him the truth and demand that he share his activities while he´s away from you. Remind him that trust is a two way street and that it is broken by lies and deceit which eventually come to the surface.


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