# Wife wants a separation, Please HELP



## lonely007 (Jul 31, 2008)

My wife told me yesterday that she wants a separation and does not think that we have the same goals together.

First, some background. We are both 26 years old and have been married for about 11 months. Before we got married, we dated for about 3 years and never really had many problems before we got married. We loved spending time together, did everything together, etc. I love her very much.

I guess when we got married, I took each other for granted but I didn't notice any problem like typical guys do until she exploded about 2 months ago about me not paying attention to her needs and desires. I believe communication was a big issue between us and we stopped talking as much after we got married. The daily routine of our lives (job, come home, eat, sleep) made our lives boring and not as happy.

I believe I am a good husband (don't yell at her, treat her with respect, help with chores, love her, etc). However, I do take some fault that I did not keep some promises to her and communication with her was a problem that I had. I sometimes keep feelings to myself and I guess that gets me in trouble.

Some of the goals she wants are to buy a house, and have me keep my promises. We both have good jobs, about 120k combined a year. Anyways, I feel that we should save a little more money for a down payment and she wants to buy a house now. She told me that if I feel this way, I should get a second job to make her goals met. I don't understand why we can't be happy with what we have. She feels a house is a necessity whereas I feel a house is a want and not a need.

Basically, all this issues combined in the past year of not listening to her and not communicating is what led her to believe that she has no choice left but to ask for a separation. She told me that she'll give me two weeks to change her mind, but that I would have to show her mostly by myself.

I love her so much. I have never cheated on her, always been there for her, etc. I guess my only fault was not listening to her and thinking that things would be ok until it was too late. Is it too late to get her back? I refuse to get a second job that she claims I should get to purchase a house faster. I'm not sure I can save this by myself. Do I just accept the fact that my marriage is no longer what it once was. I am so confused and I'm not happy right now. I miss the love that we used to have and the smile on her face. I would try anything but I don't want to bend over backwards to do everything she wants either. I believe marriage is a compromise, but I'm not sure if she's willing to work anymore. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

If it is that soon in the marriage (11 months) , let her go. Do it now-life can be too short ,or it can be too long.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

that's good that you're not going to get a second job. 

i am the 'all-or-nothing' one in my relationship. i was very uncompromising and just left when i didnt get what i wanted. it really just came down to some misconceptions and having never learned effective communication skills. 

my husband never stopped me from leaving. in fact, he would always say that he wanted me to be happy and if being with him wasnt making me happy then i should go. he made it clear that he loved me and wanted to work it out, but if i didnt want to he wasnt going to make me stay. of course that drove me nuts but it made the decision completely up to me. 

so i think that is what you should tell your wife. tell her how you are feeling, write it down so she cant interrupt you, but let her know that her happiness is the most important thing and if she doesnt think she can be happy with you she needs to go.


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## lonely007 (Jul 31, 2008)

Thanks for the comments ljtseng. I won't try to stop her from leaving either. It was good to hear an opinion from a woman's point of view also. I guess I just have to let her know how I feel and tell her that she needs to be happy even if that means not with me. I guess it really isn't my decision that much. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be I suppose. It's just sad that something so great might come to an end. Thanks for advice.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I feel for you man. My wife of 16 years dropped the bomb on me a month ago saying she no longer loved me said she didnt believ in marriage and could never see spreading her legs for me again. Well 2 weeks ago she asked me to move out of our house. I left behind 2 daughters 12 & 16 so that i could try and save my marriage. Well since then she has said she ni longer wants me in her life. It breaks my heart to think spending 15 years with someone and they can throw it all away in an instant.

So my advice is be strong try and take care of yourself find a support group in you area and live life like you will be apart. I am trying to do that myself but i will be honest.... its the hardest thing i have ever done.

good luck friend !!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

What makes her think that a house is what has to happen NOW? If that is what she wants so badly..have you suggested SHE go out and get a second job to save for it? It sounds like she might be a little materialistic. A house is not what makes a marriage work or not.
As far as her goal for you to keep your promises....have you broken promises in the past? Why would she see this as a goal?
What did the two of you lose as far as the relationship goes since you got married? I am assuming because of your age that you already both had jobs so the time spent together should not really have changed that much. 
My opinion, if she sees you not buying her a house as a part of her desires and needs, then it doesnt sound like her heart is totally in the relationship with you. It sounds to me like you are not top on her priority list. I am sorry to say that, but it just seems like a very odd situation to me after just 11 months of marriage.
I wish you the best of luck!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

skinman said:


> I feel for you man. My wife of 16 years dropped the bomb on me a month ago saying she no longer loved me said she didnt believ in marriage and could never see spreading her legs for me again. Well 2 weeks ago she asked me to move out of our house. I left behind 2 daughters 12 & 16 so that i could try and save my marriage. Well since then she has said she ni longer wants me in her life. It breaks my heart to think spending 15 years with someone and they can throw it all away in an instant.


Thats just down right mean. I am so sorry you had to go through that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well 2 weeks ago she asked me to move out of our house. I left behind 2 daughters 12 & 16 so that i could try and save my marriage. Well since then she has said she ni longer wants me in her life. It breaks my heart to think spending 15 years with someone and they can throw it all away in an instant.


i don't think a rational person CAN throw it all away in an instant. i think it builds over time, it's just that you never saw it coming. in other words, the lines of communication were not there. 

i hate to be a broken record, but i think most marriages end for the wrong reasons. i think most can be saved, and with work, i believe they can be better, even if only one of you says you want to work on it. positive change affects both people, given time. so when you see mark twain post "play for time," that works for you an awful lot of the time.

find out what the issues were (use the magic wand question) and work on those issues. if it's your wife, honor her. if it's a husband, respect him.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

lonely007 said:


> My wife told me yesterday that she wants a separation and does not think that we have the same goals together.


ok, her goals??? put em on paper, chart out what it would take to successfully achieve those goals.

separation IS NOT divorce. it's not the end, it could be the beginning. just play it right and this could work out for you.


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