# Why do you choose to stay in a sexually unsatisfying relationship?



## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Question is simple:

*Why do you choose to stay in a relationship where your sexual needs aren't met by your partner?* 



1. Indicate your gender (M) or (F).

2. List the PRIMARY 2 reason(s) why you haven't left. (Such as Financial Reasons, Children, Co-Dependency, Can't do Better, Honoring Marriage Vows, Positive Qualities of Spouse outweigh lack of Sexual Desire etc.)

3. List the total length of time you have been in the relationship AND the length of time you have been unsatisfied.

Feel free to share any additional thoughts.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

1. F
2. I stayed hoping he would turn back into the person he presented himself to be at beginning. 
3. Just over a year. Unsatisfied for a year. 

I left so I probably shouldn't be answering. But I felt like I was lied to. Eventually I left because I knew I needed to take the advice I would give someone else in the same situation. So glad I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Male

The primary reason is because of the children. They mean the world to me and I (I hope!!) mean the world to them...'family' with a together Mummy & Daddy means everything to them. 
Because I love them so much I will put up with all kinds of $hit until they are old enough to understand and accept why I have left the family unit.

Together 20yrs, married 17yrs....basically unsatisfied since our youngest was born - 9yrs ago.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Male, 

Much the same as the previous poster. She also a great mother. 

Been together for 23years, married for 16, unsatisfied for 13 years. 

Since the birth of our children she has neglected my needs and "us" in general as the children have become her primary focus. I am very low on her priorities.


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## linwoodja (Aug 3, 2012)

The primary reason is because of the children.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Female

Because we have a baby.

Married 7 years, unsatisfied for most of that time but particularly the last 4.

We get along fine and I want my child to grow up with two loving parents around who would do anything for him.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DDC said:


> Question is simple:
> 
> *Why do you choose to stay in a relationship where your sexual needs aren't met by your partner?*
> 
> ...


My marriage has been over for a while. That being said:

M

Children and (earlier) a deceptive spouse who largely feigned an attempt to identify issues inhibiting her sex drive

15 years and 15 years


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

1. M
2. Co-Dependency & scared of being alone
3. 15 years & 3 years


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## TKIGuy (Mar 14, 2012)

1. M
2. Children, I love her despite the fact she neglects me, we have had many tragedies in last couple of years so to leave now would be exceptionally cruel.
3. Married 10 years, was always low drive now that I look back, she stopped making effort once she got the babies she wanted. Basically neglected for 5+ years.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

1) Male
2) No good reason to believe the next one will be better. 
3) 12/12


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

1) F

2) i have some codependency issues, i was really ill with thyroid issues, once treated became pregnant by accident, so kept hoping it would get better, believed the promises but they turned into lies.

3) 11 of 11 years. 

getting a divorce hopefully, start dating next year.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

female.
the good outweighs the bad (no sex). that being said, I am a virgin so I don't really know what I'm missing yet. I also get lots of non sexual contact- kisses, cuddling, massages, hand holding, etc. I know a lot of people get cut off from that too when they start having less/no sex.
we are also currently looking for a therapist to help us as my husband has a severe anxiety problem with sex.

we've been together over a year, married seven months (yeah, it was fast). and celibate seven months. both of us are virgins and were waiting til we got married, when we discovered that he has panic attacks around it. hoping to get help, if not, I won't be leaving. my drive isn't high enough to kill our marriage, thankfully.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

1. M

2. We have 4 kids

I do actually love her and want to be with her. She's the only woman I've loved, and the only who hasn't messed me around as much as the other time-wasters I'd been with.

3 - Together 8 years, married 4. Been unsatisfied for about 2 years, but there was normally a 10-day period each month when my wife would be horny and we'd have fun + the usual midweek quickie. That has now vanished gradually. My wife was previously High Drive, or at least 'Normal Drive' but being a SAHM, issues with her weight and esteem, and now stomach issues, for which she has taken medication, mean lovemaking is not even an afterthought. 

I've kind of realised that the sex is never going to be as fun, or regular as previous years, and am accepting it. It's the last thing on her mind, and since I signed up here on June 29th, we've done it literally twice. Once was a 2-minute quickie on a Saturday morning whilst the baby slept, the other was mutual masturbation 3.5 weeks ago. Ok I admite there are days when I'm super horny and whereas in the past my wife would engage in intercourse, now I find i'm just masturbating to release the tension. My mindset is kind of 'What's the point in being frustrated and angry when it will never change your partner's perspective anyway?'

What has also helped my mind is knowing that it's esteem and health issues that have prevented any lovemaking recently - if she was perfectly well and just rejecting me for the hell of it, it'd be a whole different story. I remain hopeful that it'll improve, but have no idea if it will?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Loyalty and I know I'm too messed up for any sort of normal adult relationship otherwise.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*1. Indicate your gender (M) or (F).*

F

*2. List the PRIMARY 2 reason(s) why you haven't left.* 

Because i think there will always be some issue in any relationship. No reason to leave one issue just to run into another one. The other areas of the relationship are good and they outweigh the lack of sex. 

*3. List the total length of time you have been in the relationship AND the length of time you have been unsatisfied.*

7 years; unsatisfied for 6 1/2


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

1. M
2. a) Children b) Love her
3. Together 14 years, married for 7. Unsatisfied for 6 of those 7 married years. Came dangerously close to PA but could never go through with it. Never close to an EA. I consider myself to be strong man of almost unbreakable moral fibre. But my resolve is waining....and I'm afraid I will wake up one day and not miss her touch.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

DDC said:


> Question is simple:
> 
> *Why do you choose to stay in a relationship where your sexual needs aren't met by your partner?*
> 
> ...


1. Male

2. I love her dearly, she's my best friend and we have a wonderful little girl together who we both love with all of our hearts. Plus, we went through 7 years of her infertility before having our baby which certainly kills a woman's desire to have sex, so I give her a lot of leeway.

3. Together 10.5 years, married 9.5 years, unsatisfied since infertility began about 8 years ago. 

Things seem to be getting better. She's able to enjoy sex just for the act of it again for the first time in a long time. She also recognizes now how important it is to me and desires to do it it more. Forever, it was reminder of her inability to get pregnant. We only have sex once or twice a month, but it's always good. For a while there, it was once every two months or less.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

DDC said:


> [*]1. Indicate your gender (M) or (F).


M



DDC said:


> [*]2. List the PRIMARY 2 reason(s) why you haven't left. (Such as Financial Reasons, Children, Co-Dependency, Can't do Better, Honoring Marriage Vows, Positive Qualities of Spouse outweigh lack of Sexual Desire etc.)


no particular order, but children and positive qualities of spouse.



DDC said:


> [*]3. List the total length of time you have been in the relationship AND the length of time you have been unsatisfied.


We've been together for 13 1/2 years, married for over 12 years. I've been unsatisfied for around 4 years. There's been some good patches in there, but for the most part, our sex life is not good.





DDC said:


> Feel free to share any additional thoughts.



I love my wife, I just don't know if I'm in love anymore. She's become someone else slowly through the years. I rarely see that loving, fun, affectionate woman I fell for so many years ago. 
She's not bad, and I've made my share of mistakes as well. However, our whole relationship has become this massive exercise in alleviating her anxiety, of solving every imaginery potential crisis before it comes to pass and making her life "easier" since in her mind, she's the one baring the real burdens (I work alot of hours). 
The nice things she does do for me, preparing my lunch and dinner, laundry, etc often has ulterior benefits for her as well. She makes my meals, but she's very frugal, and doesn't want me spending money buying lunch at work. I've told her a few times, I don't care if you never make lunch or dinner for me again, I just want you to be my own personal porn star - no dice. She actually thinks that mentality on my part is flawed. 
We both come from broken dysfunctional homes, and I refuse to continue the cycle with my children. 
When it comes to doing things alone its often tedious, and she acts like its another "burden" on her, not a relief. *I'm not another chore, I'm her partner in life . * 
When I do say something and try to communicate that this relationship isn't working, she usually clams up and not say a word. Or she'll tell me that I'm being "needy" like my whole family is and I'm never satisfied.
I'm not joking or exaggerating when I say this - but its impossible to seduce my wife. We have sex when she says we will, and that's it. Despite the fact that sex is my main love language, I have no say when we do it. Recently, I tried to be more forceful and not wait around till she says we can have sex, and tell her in the afternoon what was going to happen that night. We had more sex, but it was very lame, passionless, vanilla sex. 
I'm tired of feeling ugly and unwanted. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought to my wife. I'm tired of settling for her scraps. 
But I refuse to leave. I refuse to be a part-time father.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

female
children and marriage vows
married 11 years unsatisfied 11 years 
We waited until marriage to becme sexually active. I have never had a satisfying sexual experience. I wonder about what I'm missing constantly. I don't think that sex is everything or even the best thing in life. For me, friendship, laughing, and dancing are. These are the things I want the most. However I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have fulfilling sexual experiences before i die, also.


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