# Wife blames me for her condition



## fireguy001 (Jan 23, 2011)

Hey guys. Well, here is my story. My wife's mother died last month. She wasn't too close to her, but it still hurts because it's her mom. A week later her Grandmother died. This was the one that really hit home since her grandmother was the one to raise her. Not only that, she has a 14 yr old sister in the care of her aunt. The aunt had a falling out and she threatend to never let my wife see her sister again. Wouldn't be that hard since we live in separate states. 

My wife has a very interverted personality in the first place along with OCD. All of the events of the past month coupled with the fact that we have been going to counseling for a while has almost sent her over the edge. She blames me for most of her troubles. I am a firefighter and have to spend some nights a week at the firehall. She tells me that if I were there to spend time with her, this wouldn't happen.

As before, things have been on the downhill slide for a while now. She told me the other night that if it wasn't for the hope of seeing her sister, she wouldn't be on the earth and proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to be married right now. 

We don't have kids and don't have many bills or assests right now and if we were to decide to end it, this would be the time. With all that has happened to her, I don't want to seem like a bad guy separating with her when she is most vulnerable, but then again, her constantly blaming me for everything and counseling not working makes me think that this may be the time to end it.

Wandering if anyone out there has some advise. Should I keep trying to make it work or should I just say it's time to throw in the towel?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People who will not cannot take the least responsibility for anything in their own lives are suffering from a pathology you can't fix. So you and you alone can learn to deal with it or you can go your separate ways. My wife is one of those people. She turned across 3 lanes of traffic once to sideswipe me and blamed it on me. She suffered a full term miscarriage and blamed it on me and told our kids I was a murderer. She set fire to the kitchen once 'accidentally' (who knows) and blamed that on me. I wasn't home at the time. Our son totaled our car - again, my fault. She's the one who handed him the keys. She's unhappy - it's my fault. She has a headache - I did it. She got cancer, I'm responsible. 

If you examine it, there's no difference between a martyr and a paranoid tyrant is there?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I hear about these people who have these illnesses such as OCD or bipolar or PTSD or whatever. I completely understand just having something like that in itself would be hard to cope with. 

However, people should be held accountable for their actions/words too. I guess it depends on to what extent a person has a mental illness too. Bottom line here, her blaming you probably doesn't have much to d with her OCD issue. Shes just looking to blame because she doesn't want to own up to anything or deal with anything. 

I can't tell you what to do as far as staying with her or not, that will need to be up to you. How about counseling for you both? Is that an option?


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I agree both with, Runs like Dog, and trey! 

I get the whole mental illness thing too, but I think sometimes people use that as their way of not trying, and not owning up to anything. 


Anyway, you might need to really think about things, and then have a talk with her, or seek counseling maybe.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Many people, mentally ill or not, when confronted with a problem, do not look for solutions-they look for people to blame, and you are conveniently in her line of sight when she gets angry.
Remember: This, too, shall pass.


----------



## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

You know you can't take the blame for going to work. I mean unless you are volly system then... maybe but still it is a public service.
My husband didn't take the EMS shifts well either but his was more because he was selfish and being home with the kids that long meant he had to do some stuff. Not everything could wait for me to get home although be certain all that could did.

Don't feel bad about the shifts, I'm betting you were a firefighter when she married you...?


----------



## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

Blaming is a way of diverting anger and responsibility in my experience. Guy gets fired from his job for stealing and he blames his coworkers for staring at him too hard at the door. Person gets caught cheating and blames their spouse for not being emotionally supportive enough or not "giving it up" often enough. Person gets hooked on drugs and blames the dealer for selling them the drugs in the first place. It never ceases to amaze me how people forget they played a part. Who decided to steal, cheat, do drugs or whatever. I don't care who you are we all know right from wrong from our parents, education system, church or having someone do wrong to you (only psycopaths don't know the difference). We can choose to be indifferent but it doesn't remove the part we played or our knowledge of the difference.

We have all made bad choices and wrong decisions in our lives and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Our errors are just as much a part of what builds our character as our victories. Think about a bad choice and the moments before, there was a brief second where you thought to yourself "this is wrong" or "this is a really bad idea".

I say this and I know its brutal but it is part of my character and feel free to call me what ever you like. If you are free of guilt then what she blames you for is of no consequence. I seriously doubt you're the great super villian you feel she is playing you out to be. She is losing touch with what is important through her pain and the unconcious or concious decision to avoid it. She can't find anyone else to blame, she is hurt, angry and needs a target and the combination has made you an easy target. Stay supportive and loving and help usher her through this difficult time in her life (she really needs a friend who loves her) or tell her you can't be her villian anymore and that you have decided its time to get with the door (you need a friend who loves you too). What ever you decide the choice is yours to make and you should not feel guilty either way.

The great thing about over population is with a little effort finding someone to give you emotional support is never difficult. I know the joke is somewhat in bad taste but it is true. You need to decide what is best for you and how much of a burden you can carry. Either way people care for and support you, you just might not of found them yet. I really hope you have.

I wish you luck in which ever choice you make. I once told a friend "Smile long enough and the reason will come to you." and know what? It still works for me. Annoyingly upbeat about my plight is how I choose to live my life and I love it.


----------

