# Need Advice



## Average Guy (Jul 8, 2013)

I've been married for 18 years, and during this time frame my wife and I have gone through many changes together. Even though we weren't high school sweethearts when we met, we were still very young. We dated for over three years before deciding to marry one another, and I can honestly say that I love her far more today than when we were first married. 

During the course of our marriage, we've gone through financial struggles, and I was on the road quite a bit for work for ten years of our marriage, so it was a real challenge to reconnect on weekends. I should also point out that she managed the finances (willingly) while I was on the road, as well as reared our beautiful children.

For the past five years, I've found a position that pays me a salary that is comparable to the one I made while on the road. I'm now home every night of the week, and weekends, and this pleases me to no end.

About the time that I started working closer to home, my wife decided to go back to school and pursue a degree. In the beginning, she tried to schedule her classes around my work, and said she was in no rush to finish, so she often went to school in the evenings. 

However, as time went on, she began scheduling her classes whenever she wanted, even if they conflicted with my work schedule, so I was often forced to change my schedule to work around hers. Some semesters, I would ask my employer if they would allow me to cut out early on certain days of the week to pick up my kids from school. Or, I would ask them to reschedule meetings so that I could drop my kids off at school so that my wife's school schedule was no impacted. Sometimes, she would even spring a last minute school meeting (or field trip) that she needed to go to, so I would shuffle my schedule around to adapt to these things.

One thing that I did notice is that she began staying at school later and later, sometimes she wouldn't get home until after midnight. She claimed that there were several projects that she was working on that she needed to get done and that she was meeting up with her girlfriends (classmates) to get them done. I should point out that these girls are all single and about 15 years younger than her, on average.

About this time, she also became increasingly argumentative and standoffish to me. We stopped going out on dates altogether (really doing anything together). And, she claimed it was because she had no time for dates because of school. She also stopped wearing her wedding ring, and she claimed it was because it bothered her as she worked on her school projects. But, she always seemed to have time to have coffee with one of her girlfriends on the weekends.

From this point forward, it went downhill fast. I discovered that on some evenings she was going out to eat with her new pack of girlfriends, and sometimes they would visit a bar and have beers. Now, I can honestly attest that I have also gone out with the guys after work and had a few beers, but I'm always home by a reasonable hour (9:00pm 'ish), and I only do this every once in awhile...maybe once every two months.

What really crushed me is the day she graduated. Rather than it being a joyous event, she sprung on me that she wants a divorce, and that she's only going to stick it out long enough with me to make sure the bills get paid down, and then we're done. I was completely shocked and heartbroken!

Anyway, the last time she went out, she was out until 3am, and she came home completely inebriated. She said she was with one of her single school friends and that they were just hanging out at a bar on the patio talking. While I know she is telling the truth, this is completely uncharacteristic of her, and I had no idea that she was going pull something like this. When she got home, I told her that I didn't mind if she hung out with her friends, but that we had to establish boundaries. Her reply was that I go out with my friends, so she can, too. I told her that everyone I hang out with is happily married and that I'm always home by a reasonable hour. She called me a liar.

Two days after this happened, she sprung on me that she was going to spend the night with another girl friend of hers. She spent two full days there and brought back gifts for my kids and I when she returned???

On some days things seem to be improving between us, and on other days things seem to be a complete disaster. I've already talked to a phone counselor about this, and they gave me some good advice. I'm also starting seeking personal counseling to see what things I can improve upon. I must have missed some very important queues along the way, but I had no idea things would end up like this between us. She rarely talks to me anymore, she still doesn't wear her wedding ring, her mobile phone and laptop are locked down tighter than Fort Knox, and she still goes out late with her friends.

I love her dearly, but I'm not sure how much more I can endure? I'm not even sure what my options are to bring her back emotionally? She seems done and expresses that she wants her space...I believe her.


----------



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

She might be having an affair as all the red flags are here. She took her wedding ring off because it was bothering her? Yeah, right, it was bothering her while going out and meeting men in the bars.

Go into a stealth mode and check her phone/computer, your bill for tel. numbers she is texting or phoning, check GPS to see where she is going and put a VAR in her car, check her drawer for new underwear/sex toys. 
If you find anything then have a read in the infidelity forum about ways to get your wife out of the infidelity 'fog', if it is not too late.
I hope I am wrong.....

And put some boundaries in your marriage, most married women do not spend nights 'with girlfriends( probably not true) and drink themselves silly until 3am.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You don't need to fix anything about you, she needs to stop cheating. The blame shifting is what cheaters do. I'm sure she's made this about you, it's her. 

Also read this:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

This should be moved to Coping With Infidelity board for the best/most responses.

There are so many red flags that your wife is cheating. The late nights, excuses that she is with her "girlfriends from school", the excuse that she was "just talking", not wearing the wedding ring, bringing up the fact that you have gone out with your friends, staying away overnight, and hanging onto that phone with a death grip. Her guilt shows by bringing gifts home to the kids. It is her way of justifying what she did.......as if it does not interfere with her being a good mother . 

Check the phone records. From there, you will find out the name of her boyfriend.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry to hear that you financed her affair. Happens all the time. Keylog her computer. Check the phone records. Put a VAR under the seat of her car. You need proof. THEN you can decide what to do.

In the meantime, do NOTHING. Do NOT move out of your home. Shut down all finances so she can't access it without your approval. Cancel the credit cards.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Schools are not opened past midnight. I'm very surprised that you would believe her lies. I am also very sad for you because you are blaming this situation somewhat on your previous work schedule.

She is either cheating, looking to cheat or a walk away wife. Read up about WAW's. Head on over to the CWI forum for better advice on affairs. Time to spring into action.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Average Guy, First off, I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am also sorry to say that it does appear that she is in fact cheating and her heart is already out the door.

She told you that the marriage was over and she intends to get a divorce - take her at her word. She is, for all intense purposes, already out the door. She doesn't care that you don't approve of her staying out late, or all night, she is living her separate life. Depending on the laws in your state, you may want to get evidence of her cheating for your attorney to use in court. 

Now is the time to decide what you want in the divorce. Go see an attorney now. Discuss a legal separation to protect you from any financial responsibility she may incur. Why are you waiting and letting her treat you this way? I know because you thing things will get back to normal, but that more than likely is not going to happen. After you visit with your attorney, I would also call her bluff. She has already told you that she is done and just buying her time to leave. Again - take her at her word, listen to her. Do as another poster suggested and lock down all finances from her access. Tell her that since she wants a divorce, she needs to move out - now. The kids and you will stay in the house. Enough is enough.

And, as stated above - I would move this to the coping with infidelity.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a VAR-voice activated recorder- under the driver's seat in her car you will get answers in a week easy. Have a friend follow her to see if she is really going out with girls or a guy.


----------



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Average Guy, I see you have not posted since your original post. How are you?
Even if you find her to have been cheating, life does not end here.
There are many stories of reconciliation on this forum. Chin up.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You left out she gave you the ILYBIANILWU speech. 

She is cheating. Follow all the advice here plus go see a lawyer. She most likely already has. In the tiny probability she has not done so you go see the top 5 for free consultations. Pick the best. She will not be able to use the others due to a conflict of interest. 

I know all this sounds harsh but brother, but your exact same story has been told on TAM a thousand times. She is fpollowing the same screenplay so many others have done before.


----------



## Average Guy (Jul 8, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I started seeing a therapist, just to determine if there is something wrong with me or if I've been unintentionally missing out on marital queues I should have been picking up on all along. I think the therapist also thinks that there might be some foul play here. They didn't say it directly, but they did say that her behavior was very odd.

As far as my situation goes, it's day by day. Some days she's sweet as pie to me and tells me she loves me. But, the claws come out whenever I question her odd behavior and secretive actions.

I have a buddy whose wife hosted a surprise birthday brunch last weekend. Everyone was asked to show up at 9am. Anyway, my 'awesome' wife decided to hang out with one of her single friends the night before. I ended up having to pick her up at 3:30am at her friend's house because she was too intoxicated to drive home on her own. I got home at 4am and only got a couple hours of sleep before I had to get right back up again in order to make the brunch.

There have been some other indiscretions that have occurred very recently, which have been every bit as irritating and discouraging. She refuses to talk about them. I'm to a threshold where I really don't think I care anymore. I'm waving the white flag...she wins (I guess). 

I think I'm quickly going into a mode where I'm focusing more on myself now, trying to heal my wounds, as well as working on my own courage and self-esteem in order to face what seems to be an inevitable split.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Average Guy said:


> Thanks for the advice. I started seeing a therapist, just to determine if there is something wrong with me or if I've been unintentionally missing out on marital queues I should have been picking up on all along. I think the therapist also thinks that there might be some foul play here. They didn't say it directly, but they did say that her behavior was very odd.
> 
> As far as my situation goes, it's day by day. Some days she's sweet as pie to me and tells me she loves me. But, the claws come out whenever I question her odd behavior and secretive actions.
> 
> ...


Good remember it's not you it's her. All you can do is focus on you and becoming a better man. The karma bus will show up at her door at some point. Good luck!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just split up now, and make her prove herself to you?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

open your eyes she cheating and you are enabeling it.

quit picking her up and doing anything for her! file for divorce or at least see a lawyer. start an exit plan.

shes sounds done with your marriage and is just prolonging it as because its too her advantage. 

document all her partying and other questionable behavior but do it on the sly.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Get this thread moved to the infidelity section.

There are some huge red flags to cheating.


----------



## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

She's cheating. Sorry, man.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

*She told you that the marriage was over and she intends to get a divorce - take her at her word. She is, for all intense purposes, already out the door. She doesn't care that you don't approve of her staying out late, or all night, she is living her separate life.*


I have never repeated myself on this forum, but in this case I felt impelled.


----------



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Cut all finances right away, do not finance her affair. Close all credit card accounts, leave only enough money in the joint account for food and things your children need. Also, her friends are enabling her cheating, she was not at her friend's house where you picked up from, she was with her lover before.
Do not question yourself, it is all her. Build your self esteem and detach, but you must file for divorce now. This will shake her out of the fog, or if she is done with the marriage, she will go to the OM. One way or the other, you will know where you stand


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I know that you are emotionally crushed but you really need to follow Tiberius’ post above. You have absolutely no power to change her except that you becoming stronger may help at some point.

Doing what Tiberius stated and building yourself up for YOU is by far your best course of action. I am not saying that she will never come back to you but either way the actions in Tiberius post will be best for you in both cases.

Actually if you think about it you have no other option to make things better for you do you?

Sorry for you emotional pain but that can pass and you can get much better. *Your wife is not your whole world, just build yourself up, endure the suffering, and you will be surprised how well you will recover from her selfishness in the future.*


Blunt


----------

