# How to get courage to leave when someone is dependent on you (long!)



## aimlip (Feb 8, 2011)

Hello, I was hoping to get some advice.

I have been with my husband for 19 years, married for 10 of those years and we have a 7yr old child.

My husband has always been a dreamer, very intelligent, always having a new project or hobby on the go. 

I have always been more practical and down to earth.

When we first met he moved in with me as I had a job and had just bought a small house..he couldnt get work...I helped to support him through a college course and at the end of the curse he did get a job. However we had got into a stupid situation where I was paying all the bills and even when he started work it just seemed to carry on; I was busy at work and never really thought about the fact that I was carrying most of the financial burden. He just spent his money on "nice" things...like his hobbies, or he would book nice holidays (which I did get the benefit of, I admit) 

When I had our baby it was much the same: I paid for all the childcare and went back to work quickly. I know it was my fault for not being assertive at this time but whenever I tried to discuss money with him it always seemed to end in arguments, or promises that he would give me money. 

He enjoyed building up collections of things, first he got interested in fine watches, then antique furniture etc. He nagged and nagged me to spend my money on such things and stupidly I went along with it, mainly because he was so moody, like a spoilt child, if I didnt let him have his own way. 

Then we got into real financial difficulties. He had gone a step too far; he had committed to doing very expensive major renovation work on the house, he had promised that it would turn the house into our dream home. In hindsight I see that this was now just another one of his "hobbies" or projects...most of the things he did to the house were his own ideas, I was only consulted on certain things. I see now that even if it had been a success it would have been "his" project. He says we made joint decisions about things but I know deep down that if I had disagreed with him about anything he would have just gone ahead and done it anyway! The house started costing more and more, we started arguing more and more. At one point our arguments were so bad he did start pushing me around. At that point I did think about leaving but I felt so trapped by him and the house I just couldnt see a way forward. I gave him an ultimatum that if he hit me again I would go and he hasnt hit me since, although he can be very nasty, sarcastic and moody to me. He tells me lies, particularly about money, he drinks secretly, but he is very devious and hides this very well. 

Anyway due to the financial problems we ended up having to sell the house. I dont have any personal debt but he is still very much in debt (in his own name) and would not be able to get any credit or finance of any kind. 

We just live day to day- most days I just feel like a robot going through the motions of taking my DDto school, then work, then making a meal in the evening then bed. Thats it. We dont talk. Most evenings go by and we dont say a word to each other. I feel we just have nothing in common anymore, except our child. He says everything is my fault and that I am moody but I am just so angry with him and can't feel any respect for him anymore. 

We argue a lot- he irritates me so much because I feel he has really let me down. Im not attracted to him anymore, but I do still care for him as a person, which is why it is so hard to think about leaving. I just see the future as really bleak for me. There is no one else involved, in fact I couldnt even think about another relationship but I feel I just want some "peace" and to be able to make my own decisions without him bullying me, which is what he has always done. 

I have some money in the bank and could walk out and rent a place for myself tomorrow, I have a job. I dont have much money but I have enough to get by. But I worry so much about him. With his poor credit record and lack of financial management he would not be able to get a place for himself. 

I have told him several times over the last few months that I am not happy but he just shrugs his shoulders and pretends nothing has happened. I spend hours at work and at night when i can't sleep thinking about how I could get the courage up to tell him its over. 

Im from an Irish catholic background and my parents think we should be sticking together, there is tremendous pressure to just carry on. 

I just dont have anyone to talk to either; over the years my friends have all drifted away, they either didnt get on with my husband or we lost touch. 

I just have one sister that I can talk to but she feels quite helpless; she is a busy workingparent herself and I always feel guilty whenever I phone her as she is constantly busy with her own family of four. 

I'd just appreciate any advice on where to start really, how to get the courage to just make the first step and just get out.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Unfortunately, if this is really something you want to do...you just DO it. Take that first step. Push your fears aside and rent an apartment, start packing things in boxes and move. It's the whole thousand mile journey beginning with one step thing. And I understand how hard that is. I truly do. 

Honestly, there are a lot of people that I care about that I'm not willing to support. Or to allow to bully me and push me around. Caring about someone isn't enough to allow them to run roughshod over your life and make you miserable. You have to care enough about yourself to not allow it. 

His financial mess is his. You've enabled him into being financially irresponsible by taking care of everything for him. Give his life to him. If he mucks it up, it's on him.


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## aimlip (Feb 8, 2011)

Thanks, a lot of the torment that I am going through at the moment is anger with myself; anger that I have let him get away with not supporting me, anger that I have worked for 20 years and have nothing to show for it, as we have lost the house.

I know that I have probably let him get away with being so lazy because I am scared of being on my own. I thought that having a child might make him "wise up" and want to support me more....for example I asked him to open a bank account to start saving a small amount for our DD each month (for college or whatever) and 18 months on he hasnt done a thing. 

He says he cares, he says he loves me, when I nag him enough he does give me money. But I know this isnt right.

Ive been waiting for a trigger to make me leave. Its just too easy when you get home, exhausted from work, to just let things carry on.

The house we are in at the moment is rented. The rental agreement is in my name. If I give notice he will have nowhere to go. He will make me feel like its my fault that he is homeless. He has no family nearby to go to. 

I need to make a plan, but just dont know where to start.


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