# How I handled the EA



## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

I was reading StayStrongs post (BS fog) and started thinking about how I handled my husbands EA. I too, regret how I handled it. We have successfully R, but I still get triggered every so often, and everyday I pray to God, asking Him to help me understand and forgive, my H and OW. I regret my mistakes and when I look back on how I handled it, I want to kick myself.

I never really gathered enough evidence against him. When I discovered his lies about being with her and how deep it really was, I never really proved it to be lies. Even now he insists it wasn't an EA, just a friendship where he "looked out" for someone he shouldn't have. 

I went crazy, I started smoking again, I didn't eat. I cried all the time. I thought about killing myself. I bored my friends to death with my confusion and terror. 

I let him bully me out of demanding NC. He was not going to be TOLD who to be friends with.

He texted her constantly, deleted the texts, let her cry on his shoulder, bought her lunch everyday, did things for her and her family that he had never done for any other friend. Lied to me about the things he was doing for her and her daughter. When confronted, he lied over and over again. I let him gaslight me for 7 months. They were just friends and I was reading more into it. I was acting crazy.

I met with OW. Attempted to befriend her even. I let her get under my skin. For example, she claimed she would never sleep with a married man, yet she also said she didn't want to know how he felt about her. Insinuating that he liked her more than she liked him. I didn't even call her on that; how inappropriate it was to continue in a friendship with a married man that might have stronger feelings than she wanted. Like what a hypocritical thing to say that was. 

I insisted that we ALL be friends. I insisted that if he remained friends with her they never go anywhere with her without me. That led to "us" taking her and her daughter out for dinner, socializing with her. Only for me to be miserable every minute. Watching my husband interact with her, feeling horrible the whole time. 

I became desperate to have his attention. To have him prove he loved me more, that I was more important than her. I tried everything I could think of. I left myself wide open for him to hurt me. I remember begging and crying on my knees in front of him to stop with her. I have never experienced him be so cruel and hard to me as in those moments. He laughed at me. He was so nasty. 

I cut my wrist, in a fit of dispair. The day I found out he had bought her an electric fireplace, months prior and told him to move out. I called her and asked her how she liked it. She attempted to placate me. Told me she understood I was mad and she would be too. She put it all out there that day. Told me she thought he had a crush on her, but she would never be more than friends with her. I told him to get out, I smashed the bubblegum dispenser he got me on the floor (I had found one in his car and when it disappeared I confronted him with the reciept I found, I knew he had bought it for her, one showed up for me and I believed the lie, she told me that day it was for her) and I took a piece of the glass and cut my wrist open as wide and as deep as I could. He stopped me, fought me. I was out of my head and meant to do it, the pain was overwhelming. I had been told I was crazy for so long and when the light shined on his lies, I lost it. He ended the relationship that day. 

Things are better now. Finally, she moved to another shift (even after the NC text and her agreement to me to stop the relationship, she attempted to keep the relationship going, crying on his shoulder, sending him notes and cards until I texted her and told her off, prompting her supervisors to move her) We are moving on. 

I don't cry about it very much anymore. I am not as angry as I was. But, I will never see him as I once did. I am mad at myself still for acting like a complete fool. I regret being a complete whimp. I once thought of myself as strong, now I know I am not. I also have really low self esteem now, I try to be confident but I compare myself to her in my head I guess I have not fully healed, even though I went to IC on my own and it did help. 

I just wonder if I will ever be "me" again. Why do I have these stupid regrets? 

I am sorry this is so long, I feel I could talk forever about this! It upsets me that I can't completely get over it.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

What you went through was terrible and it makes absolutely, 100% sense that you can't over what he did. 

You made some really bad mistakes, but at least you realize them now. But TBH, your feelings tell me that your reconciliation may be in name only. Is your husband really and truly sorry? Has he cut all contact with this woman? Can you really trust him?

Problem is, as long as you're with him you're probably going to feel the low self-esteem because in a way, you're repeating the self-betrayal you experienced before--you've pegged your self-esteem to his love and you're probably still praying that he shows you that he loves you more. It's a losing battle.

I don't want to tell you to forget the R, but you may not be even close to a real R nearly as much as you think.


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

Thanks, I think you are right. I am not over it, it still haunts me, it is much less painful than it was. I am very confident they do not have contact. 

No he isn't really that sorry. He says he is sorry he hurt me, he never intended to, it was never what I thought it was. I was never in danger of him cheating on me. I get different answers when I talk to him about it, very rarely now. 

I just can't see him as the same man I used to. That is probably the worst part of it all. I thought I knew him and our marriage. He was the husband all my friends envied. He was so good to me. I thought we were so strong. I was proud of our marriage. Not anymore.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

There is still room for improvement. Still time to work on what you need correctly and to make him realise. Granted, he knows he did wrong, and seems not massively remorseful, only in hurting you. But you could still call him out on all this. You could still put the fear of god into him. And he could feel the fear of the possibility of losing all that he once held dear. 

Though I have a feeling you won't. And the thing is, while there are no signs of true remorse and regret you will always feel second fiddle, second best, and your self esteem will always be dinted by his lack of action, remorse and so on. And you will always be waiting for the next time. The next woman.

It is up to you what you put up with, as you fully well know now. If only you had not been so hung up on keeping him, you would have had much more self respect and demanded much more respect from him. So many if only's. This cannot be changed. But you can change how you deal with things from here on.

Does he show any remorse at all? Love, care, tranparency, a willingness to do whatever it takes to get you both back on track? If the answer to any of these is a no, you need to do some serious soul searching. You need to talk with him. Give him 6 months to pull his finger out or you are gone. That might buck his ideas up. But you have to be prepared to lose him or it will never work. Empty threats are pointless. Worse than pointless.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Wow, changednow...your post should be required reading as an example of "What Not to Do." I always shudder to think how lost betrayed spouses are without proper guidance. When we find ourselves thrust into this situation we really are lost. They don't teach this stuff in school. Oh well....I'm glad you found this place and have learned a lot. Good luck to you going forward.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There's something very wrong with this. 
He tormented you for months, laughing at your humiliation. Calling you all sorts of things including insane. 

And he changed at the snap of a finger? Really? That is baffling. I understand your trust issues and how you now view your husband. You say you are totally confident that there is no further contact. If true, it's the only good thing that came from this. Because by your own description, he has shown no remorse and blames you for "misunderstanding" his affair. 

Continue to work on your self-esteem issues. Become more independent and much less needy. Don't rely on him for your emotional support - you can welcome it, but don't rely on it. 

Why hasn't he suggested MC?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What would it take for you to end the marriage? To believe in yourself enough to know that you don't need your so called husband in your life. To know that you deserve better. To know that the fault is in him, not you?


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## AndreaZ (Dec 16, 2012)

i have gone through the same thing, you are still emotionally attached to him, and are suffering the effects of rejection. it appears he has detached from you, and sometimes they use passive aggressive techniques to push us away as they do not want to be the ones who end it, although they already have. the more clingy we are, the less we appeal to them.


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

AndreaZ said:


> i have gone through the same thing, you are still emotionally attached to him, and are suffering the effects of rejection. it appears he has detached from you, and sometimes they use passive aggressive techniques to push us away as they do not want to be the ones who end it, although they already have. the more clingy we are, the less we appeal to them.


That is the really "crazy" thing. I was never clingy before this. I was always pretty independent and strong...I didn't need coddling. This is probably what he was attracted to in her, her never ending neediness. I told him during this that he wanted to play hero. She was a 35 year old single mother, still living with her mother, new at his job. She was also a hot mess, her family problems and problems with her x were like a Lifetime movie. I believe that he got adoration and gratitude, recognition for being the hero. I was a grown up woman, I didn't need him like that. I admit that part of our problem was me being too independent. I failed to show him that I did need him in my life. But I will never blame myself for his choice, He choose to let a stranger into our marriage. If he felt I was lacking in some way, his job as my partner was to let me know and talk to me. 

Even though this post is about what I did wrong and regret, I feel I did some things right. The thing I feel that got the fire lit under him was telling him to get out the day I found out about the fireplace. I let him stay under 2 conditions, 1. All contact other than work ended 2. He write to her and tell her so. I saw the text. I didn't really know anything about 180 but I knew that is what had to happen for us to move forward. 

Another good came out of it, I found my spirituality, I found God. Even though I had no one (human) helping me to get through the mess, I had Him.


I will never put up with it again. I have told H so multiple times. I don't throw it in his face, but he knows I am done with it. I truly am. I won't ever go through this again. Last month it looked like she might be moved back to his shift. I told him, even though it would not be his fault that he would have to leave if she does. I don't even care if the circumstances are beyond his control. 

He refused counseling. We have been through it once before. The T was focusing too much on him. He is a damaged man. Emotionally damaged. A very bad childhood. But I do love him, despite this. He is a good father. He was/is a good husband, he is being caring, he has been mostly transparent (he is the one who told me she was sending letters and cards, I would not have known otherwise, although he threw them away and did not think to show them to me). He owns his mistake, though he says he "looked out" for someone he shouldn't have, he did not have an EA, there is no such thing according to him. 

He does not own it the way I would like him too. 
He can't answer my questions about the holes and lies, because he "doesn't remember"

I went to IC because I wanted to. I knew I needed help and my employer told me about it, I just wish it would have been sooner.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And what about his contempt? His nastiness and coldness when he was hurting you? Has he apologized for any of that? Has he become a decent husband? Someone who treats you with love and respect?


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

He does now treat me with love and respect now. Much like he did before "her"
He does not recognize that he was nasty or contempteous. He doesn't "remember"


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

changednow said:


> He does now treat me with love and respect now. Much like he did before "her"
> He does not recognize that he was nasty or contempteous. He doesn't "remember"


These sentences cannot be used to describe one person at the same time. Not remembering is the height of contempt. It is disrespectful in the extreme. It is not the action of a "good" husband, or a "great" father to ignore his own faults and actions. If you let this slide, he will do it again, because you will take it. You will let him get away with blatant lies and open contempt for you. Why? It can't be because he is so great, so what is it in you that lets you believe you don't deserve better?


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> These sentences cannot be used to describe one person at the same time. Not remembering is the height of contempt. It is disrespectful in the extreme. It is not the action of a "good" husband, or a "great" father to ignore his own faults and actions. If you let this slide, he will do it again, because you will take it. You will let him get away with blatant lies and open contempt for you. Why? It can't be because he is so great, so what is it in you that lets you believe you don't deserve better?


your right of course. What would better be? A good man would not lie, would not put another before me, would not have continued to assert his rights to have whatever friends he chooses, even though it hurt me. 

So it really is my fault that I put up with it. Just like everyone says. I guess I am the real cause of my own pain.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

changednow said:


> your right of course. What would better be? A good man would not lie, would not put another before me, would not have continued to assert his rights to have whatever friends he chooses, even though it hurt me.
> 
> So it really is my fault that I put up with it. Just like everyone says. I guess I am the real cause of my own pain.


Good grief! HE is the source of your pain. Look at what you've written here - he continued to do what he wanted EVEN THOUGH IT HURT YOU. This is not a good husband. This is not even a good person.

Look, it's true that some people happily reconcile after affairs, but you are clearly not really happily reconciling. You sound like you need him to 'remember.' You can insist on this as a condition of your continuing the marriage. This, in fact, is your choice. If he finally comes clean, you can then finally try to decide what you can live with.

Perhaps a counselor can help you get to where you want to go.


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## hernadorico (Dec 14, 2012)

You made some really bad mistakes, but at least you realize them now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> These sentences cannot be used to describe one person at the same time. Not remembering is the height of contempt. It is disrespectful in the extreme. It is not the action of a "good" husband, or a "great" father to ignore his own faults and actions. If you let this slide, he will do it again, because you will take it. You will let him get away with blatant lies and open contempt for you. Why? It can't be because he is so great, so what is it in you that lets you believe you don't deserve better?


:iagree:

Changed: 
Please go to this thread and read Acabado's post (#16 letter from Joseph) 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/63272-its-been-4-years-does-go-away-2.html

You may want to write a version of this for your husband.


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## changednow (Dec 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Changed:
> Please go to this thread and read Acabado's post (#16 letter from Joseph)
> ...


I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. It really sums up the whole thing for me.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

changednow said:


> your right of course. What would better be? A good man would not lie, would not put another before me, would not have continued to assert his rights to have whatever friends he chooses, even though it hurt me.
> 
> So it really is my fault that I put up with it. Just like everyone says. I guess I am the real cause of my own pain.


I did not make those statements to kick you when your down, I made them to wake you up further. You do not have to settle for the crumbs your husband is offering. He is being a complete ****head, and you both know it. His choice to cheat, his choice to try to gadlight you, and sweep it all under the rug? That's all him. You can choose not to accept it. You can clearly state that isn't good enough. You can say you might forgive the cheating, but you will not put up with further lying, minmizing, blame shifting, or anymore crap from him. Either he is in, 100%, and that means owning his crap, discussing it openly, and figuring out how not to be a complete *******, and you will work on your half of the equation, or it's over, and he can go play hero to the damsel for real, with all the crap that comes from real life, and you will get on with your life without him. That would be better than the torment you are living now, and the pain you are setting yourself up for in the future, if he gets away with being a complete prick. Maybe he'll wake up, maybe he will reform, if he gets a good shock. Maybe not. Frankly, you haven't got a marriage to lose right now, and a life where you can respect yourself to gain either way.


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