# Here's my Problem... Please excuse my venting.



## String (Jul 30, 2009)

When it comes to sex, you would think that being in a loving marriage would make it easier and more enjoyable... right? So why is it that my wife looks so uncomfortable with me and why do I feel so uncomfortable in approaching her? Probably the many times she has turned me down, or maybe because I don't want her to fell uncomfortable... But uncomfortable with her own husband?

Here is the riddle... and if you have an answer pleas share it with me! I understand that women need to feel close with their partner in order to have sex with them. I'm told that the whole cuddling and affection thing is a means to bring on that closeness which I'm all for, but what about us men! Men need the physical component in order to feel close with women... So if our needs are not met, then how can we possibly work at meeting the needs of women if we are frustrated at the lack of physical activity?

I'm frustrated! I am a big believer that sex at any level is a big part of a relationship. I feel close to my wife when we have it and I feel more loving towards her when sex is a part of our life!

We have been married for 4 years now, and sex twice a month would be a lot for us. Our relationship to me is at a point where I feel that we are merely friends, living under one roof with 2 kids and that is that... I find myself looking at other women way more now, and fantasizing what I would like to do with them cause I have so much sexual tension built up. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a cheater, nor would I do that to my wife, but I'm very much a man with needs and not only are they not being met, they are not even being considered. 

What am I to do? I've tried communicating it with no results and am at a loss.

Thank you for listening and again, I'm sorry for venting.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

You have got to open the communication with her. Start sharing what you feel, not at first about the sexual issue though. Share how you feel throughout the day, ask how she feels, notice when she is interested in something and even if its a total "whatever" for you be interested in it for her. Try to get her to notice you are a person with needs and feelings. 

If you can build some kind of foundation with this she may be willing to listen and ready to pay attention when the time is right to talk about sex. Remember men talk to find solutions and girls talk just to keep talking and feel connected through conversation. You have to just talk to her and get inside her world without pushing for any immediate action or solution. 

I believe there absolutely is a second stage of marriage, after the kids are born and the routines are formed that couples must rediscover thier partners in this new role, because we were not married and settled when we met or got married, so we have changed. We must fall in love again with this changed person, and find a reason why keeping this new person satisfied is important. 

The things you need to stay satisfied may not have changed so much, but hers may have and she may not even be aware of it. Some people don't realize that they are unhappy until the find themselves in situations where they could have only ended up by being unhappy. 

You need to take control of your life and your relationship and do something new and active if you want real change. You can make your wife into the sex goddess you and her want her to be, but you have to know yourselves and each other very well befor you can both find satisfaction in satisfying each other.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

guess you should try to find the bright spots...

one of them is no sex is better than bad sex... right.?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a similar problem with my H. it feels so awkward initiating anything with him. i used to try and talk about it all the time but that seemed to do more harm then good. id just get more frustrated and he wouldnt change. so ive backed off now. i never bring it up, never initiate anymore, and in general just avoid it all together. i still get in pretty irritable moods and i fantasize about other guys, but the backing off seems to have helped- both him and me. he's starting to talk to me about it. he actually brought it up the other day. in the four years we've been together he's never once brought it up. and even though i have my bad days once in awhile, i feel calmer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you are "young" and a MAN, twice a month is torture. Why are you not able to sit her down and simply tell her that you both need to find a way to increase the sexual frequency in your marriage? If you are afraid of your wife, THAT is a big turnoff for her. Stop being afraid, act like a MAN and that will be a step in the right direction. 

That means SHE needs to do some things and YOU need to do some things. SHE needs to:
- Teach you how to "get her in the mood" when she does not start out in the mood. The difference between "high sex" and "low sex" marriages is simple this. The "low drive" spouse allows the "high drive" spouse to get them in the mood. It really IS that simple. 
- Explain to her that you want to better understand what it is that turns her on and turns her off. And then listen carefully and soon as she is done, go right down a list for yourself. If you are being lazy and unhelpful at home and that is making her angry, then fix that. But if she says "you need to do more housework/cooking/etc", you need to be ready to ask her, "so if I do that, you are saying that we will have sex on "whatever schedule you plan to ask for / insist on".


- Tell her that you need her to be more open with you about how to make sex more fun for her, so she wants it more. 

Just remember a few things. She likes things the way they are now. So she is going to try hard to scare you/intimidate you into accepting the current situation. You need to have enough courage to say "I don't feel valued, and desired in our marriage and that is not acceptable to me". If she asks you "do you want a divorce". You need to say "I don't want one, I want to fix our marriage, I want to feel that I am as high a priority to you, as you are to me. Are you willing to make this issue a high priority to YOU, until we solve it"?

Do NOT say, "I would never divorce you over this". If you say that you are completely, and totally lost. You will never recover from that statement. Because to your wife, you will seem weak which is the ultimate turn "OFF" for her. You can make the positive statement that you want to "fix" the marriage. But saying you will not divorce her .... is a huge mistake. 

If she flat out refuses to discuss this tell her that refusing to address it is not acceptable and then find some ways of making sure that she understands that you are not going to work as hard to be a great husband - if she is going to ignore this issue for you. 












String said:


> When it comes to sex, you would think that being in a loving marriage would make it easier and more enjoyable... right? So why is it that my wife looks so uncomfortable with me and why do I feel so uncomfortable in approaching her? Probably the many times she has turned me down, or maybe because I don't want her to fell uncomfortable... But uncomfortable with her own husband?
> 
> Here is the riddle... and if you have an answer pleas share it with me! I understand that women need to feel close with their partner in order to have sex with them. I'm told that the whole cuddling and affection thing is a means to bring on that closeness which I'm all for, but what about us men! Men need the physical component in order to feel close with women... So if our needs are not met, then how can we possibly work at meeting the needs of women if we are frustrated at the lack of physical activity?
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is no such thing as "bad sex" when you are being starved of sex. If he is at twice a month or less, any sex will be very much "not bad sex"



preso said:


> guess you should try to find the bright spots...
> 
> one of them is no sex is better than bad sex... right.?


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> The difference between "high sex" and "low sex" marriages is simple this. The "low drive" spouse allows the "high drive" spouse to get them in the mood. It really IS that simple.
> ,,,- Tell her that you need her to be more open with you about how to make sex more fun for her, so she wants it more.
> 
> If she flat out refuses to discuss this tell her that refusing to address it is not acceptable and then find some ways of making sure that she understands that you are not going to work as hard to be a great husband - if she is going to ignore this issue for you.


I definitely have come to agree with a lot of what you have to say. I don't know if I just chickened out after letting my wife know I was "done" if she weren't going to make an effort....or if Just made it clearer that I don't want a divorce, I want to fix this part of our marriage.

She said something to me about "did you ever think that we might be one of those couples that would be better off as friends" to which I responded "Do you think there is someone else out there that would make you happier" (and with whom you could have good sex)? She told me there wasn't, so I told her, then no, I don't think that's the case at all. We're 2 people that love each other but can't fix each other...I can put you in a situation where you want to change to be a better wife and enjoy sex more but apparently having the fear of losing me didn't even help motivate you to figure out how to have more desire.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NMO: 
To a large degree we don't directly control how aroused we feel. And if your wife thinks that it is just going to be too hard for her to get truly aroused then you both have a decision to make. I can honestly say, that if my wife told me her desire level was zero I would tell her I would be ok with once a week some type of sexual activity that was nice for ME. And I am not ashamed of that. If the situation were reversed I would happily do what I could fingers, lips, tongue to make her happy once a week. This is simply respect for your partner and their needs. And yes - that is a need. 






Not Me Oh said:


> I definitely have come to agree with a lot of what you have to say. I don't know if I just chickened out after letting my wife know I was "done" if she weren't going to make an effort....or if Just made it clearer that I don't want a divorce, I want to fix this part of our marriage.
> 
> She said something to me about "did you ever think that we might be one of those couples that would be better off as friends" to which I responded "Do you think there is someone else out there that would make you happier" (and with whom you could have good sex)? She told me there wasn't, so I told her, then no, I don't think that's the case at all. We're 2 people that love each other but can't fix each other...I can put you in a situation where you want to change to be a better wife and enjoy sex more but apparently having the fear of losing me didn't even help motivate you to figure out how to have more desire.


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