# Spouse won't give in relationship



## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

Hi all! My husband and I have been married for 8 years. Throughout the marriage I've grown used to the fact that he NEVER compliments anything I do or anything about me. He never does anything around the house. I do every single thing by myself which makes me pretty bitter. He's a pretty negative person generally. Always quick to point out the things I do wrong...never notices the good things and gives a simple "Thank you for cooking, that was good" or "thanks for getting that grease stain out of my shirt", etc. Those are the kinds of compliments I'm looking for....not telling me I'm beautiful...That stopped in the first year of marriage.

I begged "can you please say something nice to me occasionally?" about 6 months ago and I've tried to lead by example to compliment him by telling him I'm proud of him when something goes good for him at work...I've told him he's handsome several times in the last few months. I do everything he asks me to do for him without complaining. I'm just tired of not feeling loved and because of that I just don't feel like I love him anymore. Am I crazy?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You teach people how to treat you, and you've taught him that how he treats you is ok. He knows you're not going anywhere, so why would he care? If he knew it was a deal breaker he might feel differently.

fwiw I once asked my ex to name one thing I did right. His response? "I'm trying to fix that". Translation: I'm trying to fix you.
My response? I filed for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

You are so right. We've been down this road(argument) many times. We have a daughter. That's what's keeping me around. I hate it for her. But I hate how much of a bitter ***** I've become because of him more.

He grew up spoiled because he has 3 much older sisters who, I'm sure, did everything for him along with his mother so it's not something he just decided to do. But I've tried so many times to tell him to pitch in around the house and with our daughter but nothing ever happens.

He told me about a year ago that he'd start unloading the dishwasher...that lasted about 2 weeks.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Unteaching them is much harder....I really feel they think they are entitled to act this way because its the norm. 


What would happen if you told him to empty dishwasher at a random time. Would he just not do it or would it result in a fight?

I'm just using the dishwasher as an example but I know what you are going through its just switched because my wife had never, yes never filled or emptied a dishwasher. So she thinks its the norm for me to do it. If I told her to empty it a fight would start by her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

"I'll do it later" would probably be his answer then later would come too late. I'd just do it myself. I don't even bother.

And I don't dare get mad about it because when I get mad at him about something he shuts down and gets mad at me and quiet for hours...sometimes days.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

saywhen said:


> "I'll do it later" would probably be his answer then later would come too late. I'd just do it myself. I don't even bother.
> 
> And I don't dare get mad about it because when I get mad at him about something he shuts down and gets mad at me and quiet for hours...sometimes days.


Yeah, that's the classic answer most give. They see it works like a charm. It's probably by default that you will always end up doing it because this has gone on and worked for so long. 

And you getting mad has morphed into him being silent. So I'm sure you just avoid getting him mad. 

So essentially he has trained you to always empty dishwasher and not get him mad or he will be silent for days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

omg, i'm an emotionally drained robot. You are correct.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Ahhhh the silent treatment. My ew used to do that, bothered me at first but as soon as I learned to enjoy the peace and quiet she gave it up. If you ask him to empty the Dishwasher and he says "later" don't do it until he does, no matter what don't touch the dishwasher. He'll notice when he doesn't have dishes to use.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Quit washing his clothes too. Wash yours and your childs, let his pile up....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You should see a counsellor and work on you. 

He has used manipulation and the silent treatment to make you do what he wants. That's abuse. 

He is being selfish, lazy, uncaring and unloving and showing your daughter how a man treats a woman. Is that what you want for her? 

You are worth more. You need good boundaries. You deserve to be loved and complimented and you deserve someone who cares enough about you and the marriage to do their fair share. 

I don't think he will make sustained change unless he is forced to do so. This will probably mean you have to be willing to leave and he has to know and believe it. And if he doesn't you have to follow through.


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

Yeah, I've tried that a few times...swearing I'm not picking up another pair of dirty socks off the living room floor so he'd never have any but I couldn't do it for long. Honestly, the emotional drainage I've dealt with outweighs all the non-shared housework. He just seems to never think of my feelings with anything. I feel like a maid, sex partner, mother to his child. Not his best friend like it should be. And because of his lack of romantic attention to me...sex has become a serious chore for me to do. SO sad.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

What's sad is you continue to allow yourself to be treated as such
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

Sbrown said:


> What's sad is you continue to allow yourself to be treated as such
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm here. Considering my options.  We had another blow up this morning because of Friday afternoon...I came home (he took the day off to hang with his friends and play music) to a kitchen completely destroyed. I had left it clean that morning. They cooked greasy sausage that his friend brought over and got it all over my stove. It was a huge mess. And he didnt bother to clean any of it up, no dishes cleaned....just left it for me. I lost it...got mad. He got mad, didnt say a word to me until the next afternoon when I demanded an apology. That's the way he rolls. I'm so over this crap.


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You should see a counsellor and work on you.
> 
> He has used manipulation and the silent treatment to make you do what he wants. That's abuse.
> 
> ...


No, I don't want my daughter to believe that her dads treatment of me is ok for her future husband. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate all of you.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Did he apologize?

Again, you cleaned his mess up. 

Really try next time to leave it. And if he can't put his clothes in a hamper don't pick them up. 

No matter how much you want to clean up after him, just don't. Retrain him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Did he apologize?
> 
> Again, you cleaned his mess up.
> 
> ...


Yes, he did apologize. After I asked him the next day "Why did you have to get mad at me for BEING MAD?! Couldn't you just say sorry and attempt to help me clean up?"
I'm going to try really hard to stop doing for him...if we even make it that long. He has completely deflated my spirit. I feel like I'd be happier alone than with him at this point.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have two boys with my ex, and they're fine. Actually they're better than fine because they're in a healthy home now, where they see their mother treated well by their stepfather, and they see a man and woman behaving like equals that care about each other. 
Its always nice when mom and dad can work things out but too many people use the kids as an excuse to accept bad behavior. And my ex? They see him, and since he doesn't have me to bark at he cleans his own sh!t up now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have two boys with my ex, and they're fine. Actually they're better than fine because they're in a healthy home now, where they see their mother treated well by their stepfather, and they see a man and woman behaving like equals that care about each other.
> Its always nice when mom and dad can work things out but too many people use the kids as an excuse to accept bad behavior. And my ex? They see him, and since he doesn't have me to bark at he cleans his own sh!t up now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great! I'm happy for you and your boys. I do realize that our behavior is hurting my daughters impression of a normal, healthy relationship. I'm not truly happy and I'm sure she can sense that.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

saywhen said:


> Yes, he did apologize. After I asked him the next day "Why did you have to get mad at me for BEING MAD?! Couldn't you just say sorry and attempt to help me clean up?"
> 
> I'm going to try really hard to stop doing for him...if we even make it that long. He has completely deflated my spirit. I feel like I'd be happier alone than .


You'll be happier if you stop cleaning up his mess. You need to have boundaries of what you can/can't tolerate and enforce them


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

So I told him lastnight that I'm done. We had a pretty good yelling match. He said that I'm crazy and what did he get himself into when he married me?! and I told him he's selfish and takes me for granted.

I haven't talked to him today. He decided he was staying home today with our daughter who is sick(we were going to keep her home anyway). I left before they both woke up. He's texted me several times about how sorry he is and how he will do better, etc. I told him we've been down this path before and nothing changes and it's impossible to love him because I just dont feel it from him...which is how it's been for years. I feel like I've given him all I can give.

I really feel like it's over.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

saywhen said:


> I really feel like it's over.


Sorry that you are here at this point. 

Keep in mind that he will most likely be on his best behavior for the next few days to try and win your good graces. Your relationship may be over, it may not. But now is not the time to let down your defences just because he is being nice to you.

If you relationship is as you describe, I think you have legitimate agruments as to why you are unhappy. If you both want to work on your relationship, now is the time to utilize a MC to try and get an impartial person to help guide your discussions. 

I am a guy and the fact that your H has never done anything around the house is nuts. How did he survive before you all met?


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

C3156 said:


> How did he survive before you all met?


Growing up he had 3 much older sisters to take care of him, a stay-at-home mother, a first wife. He was never on his own. Which is why I've given him several chances to give a little more. I know he's been spoiled his whole life. I've put everything on the table for him in black and white..telling him exactly what I need from him several times. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he doesn't love me enough to even try to do things for me.

Thank you for asking.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Have you ever told him you're done before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Have you ever told him you're done before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes, unfortunately. But at that time, I still felt like I loved him. This past year or so...I have found myself looking at him and not caring one bit if something were to happen to our marriage. 

Oh, and he did cheat on me in 2009. It was supposedly all online. He never met her face-to-face. I read all the emails and it was about to get pretty serious when I found out. She lives somewhere nearby so I've always worried about that too.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

saywhen said:


> yes, unfortunately. But at that time, I still felt like I loved him. This past year or so...I have found myself looking at him and not caring one bit if something were to happen to our marriage.
> 
> Oh, and he did cheat on me in 2009. It was supposedly all online. He never met her face-to-face. I read all the emails and it was about to get pretty serious when I found out. She lives somewhere nearby so I've always worried about that too.


I see...

oh boy, i can now see where you are at.

Thing is, you caught him before a PA (supposedly) which most likely would have gone there. Would you have stayed if he has sex with her?

And how sure are you that they did not have sex?


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

I definitely wouldn't stay if he had sex with her. I'm pretty sure they didn't meet at the time because when I found the emails, they were planning the meet-up. I don't think he ever met with her after all that happened.


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