# Is This Hopeless?



## Wonko (Jun 14, 2011)

BACKGROUND: Been married for 11 years. Both 34. Married right out of college. Have three amazing children.

PROBLEM: Sex. We're at 1-2x per month. We've had lots of fights and conversations about this. She has agreed to try to be more open to it, and I've agreed to try to do the things she needs (although sometimes I feel like I'm paying for sex with chores). Her approach to giving me what I want is: At bed time, she'll say something about being "willing," and will just lay there. She does nothing. I've tried everything I can think of -- extended foreplay, toys, massage, alcohol, videos -- and while 90-95% of the time I can satisfy her, she still is basically non-participatory. The only thing she'll do is get on top, because she prefers that kind of O. Otherwise, the couple of times a month she's willing, she just lays there. Ironically, she has actually griped at me for just using her to satisfy myself, which I think is completely unfair given the lengths to which I go to try to get her interested (before) and please her (during). The last time she said, "Ok, I'm willing," I made up some stuff about being really tired. I'm not into zombie sex. 

One of the things I'm crappy at is listening and "seeing" her. So I try to sit down with her at least once a day, taking a break from our busy lives, to engage her to find out how she's doing, what's she's been up to, etc. If I were to take an approach like she takes to sex, this would take the form of me sitting down and saying, "Ok, I'm sitting here and willing to listen if you want to talk about whatever you want to talk about." But that's not right and it's not what she needs, so I try to engage her to let her know I'm interested and that I care.

I'm not sure what to do. Our lack of intimacy -- which extends beyond the bedroom to our entire marriage -- beats me down. I feel depressed and/or angry a lot. And her laying there and saying, "Ok, I'm willing if you want to" (once or twice a month) is not enough for me, physically or emotionally.

What do you all think? Am I being selfish? Is there any hope? Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'd imagine, from the anecdotal evidence here, that helping with chores doesn't help with increasing her sexual desire at all. She doesn't get horny at the thought of having a slave - just comfortable. 

I love the Man Up strategy a lot of guys here espouse.


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## Wonko (Jun 14, 2011)

I agree. The Man Up strategy seems pretty good. Unfortunately, I have either been crap at implementing it, or my wife has been unresponsive. (Probably a little bit of both.) I have tried it -- at least inasmuch as there appears to be an "it," as opposed to a change in outlook in overall demeanor, and it has not paid off. Feeling better about myself, though, so it hasn't been a waste of time.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

It could be some sort of attraction issue, resentment, or emotional problem she hasn't dealt with yet. You've already mentioned the general lack of intimacy and busy lives. This is probably the antecedent of bad or unfulfilling sex instead of its consequence. If it were me, I'd spend a lot of time investigating the wife's feelings and getting her to talk openly about anything which might be bothering her. Interrogate her -- nicely 

P.S. Until abstinence is measured in months, you're still doing alright 


-seahorse


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Wonko said:


> Our lack of intimacy -- which extends beyond the bedroom to our entire marriage -- beats me down. I feel depressed and/or angry a lot.


You say the lack of intimacy extends beyond the bedroom to your entire marriage. I think that a lot of times the lack of sex is a harbinger of other things that are going on in your relationship.

What is your relationship like outside of the bedroom? What are the issues involved? Are you both trying to work on those issues? How?

As well, as difficult as it is, being depressed and angry at our spouses does not help the situation, and can quite often escalate it down a more negative path. Trying to learn how to rein that in and interact in a more positive manner with your wife may help both of you.

Best wishes.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Two things that might sound contradictory are:

1. marriedmansexlife.com (and the book "Married Man Sex Primer")

2. The book, "The Five Love Languages"

I believe in both the principles behind each. On the one hand, women need a man who is a balance of alpha and beta, but they also need to be shown love in a way that works for them. I don't think these are mutually exclusive.

The next suggestion would be the book "The Couple Checkup" because there may be other issues in the marriage that cause this. Sex is often a symptom of other issues.

Then there is counseling.

This might also help if she would read it:

The Dennis Prager Show

The Dennis Prager Show


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## Wonko (Jun 14, 2011)

Thanks for all your advice. I will try all of these things.


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