# State of Mind During NC



## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

After a successful 180 and 2 days of bs, we're at the point of sending the NC this morn to her 1 week text flirty affair partner from 8 months ago. Curious from others who have gone thru this, what was the state of mind of the WS while preparing/sending the NC? Begrudging? Enthusiastically? She's willing and knows it's the only way, but she still gets pissy and defensive, but again is willing to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

Do I wait until she's clearly owning things and not doing it begrudgingly, or is time more of the essence - sooner the better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Time is of the essence. As long as shes giving emotions and attention to OM the marriage WILL NOT repair. 

Also, you aren't done after sending NC. 

You're going to have to be checking up on her like a hawk. 

Text, email, phone passwords have to be given up monitored by you, and some waywards use facebook or zynga games to chat with each other without leaving logs so you have to watch out for that as well.

If she has a computer you are going to have to install a keylogger without her knowing. If she has an iphone, theres a nice GPS app that can be downloaded

The first instinct of most waywards after NC is sent is how to take it underground and hidden from their husband/wife

I'm not sure of your story, but if shes working with him shes gonna have to transfer if possible and quit her job if not. Physically seeing each other keeps the affair going, no matter what the hell is said and done at home. 

This may sound extreme, but necessary to combat affairs. EAs can flame up and turn PA in a single day. 

You need to be ready. As most posters will tell you, this is the hard part.


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

Thanks, I am ready. She seems very sincere, but I'm being very cautious. I can't force her to do this and she's following through with sending it, but she's not too happy about it. Should I care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

I should clarify... she's willing, but should I wait for her to own up and say 'hey, let's do it now!' I don't think so because she's hoping my stance will pass, but I'm keeping the topic active. We agreed on it last night. This morning when we got up I suggested we do it when kids go to school this morn. She said 'fine'. All normal stuff, right? I don't want to F this up and have it come back on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

StickMan1 said:


> Thanks, I am ready. She seems very sincere, but I'm being very cautious. I can't force her to do this and she's following through with sending it, but she's not too happy about it. Should I care?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes you should care. You need to be fierce, in other words alpha. 

I'm not saying be mean or nasty, but in no way tolerate that attitude as its a game changer if allowed and accepted. To be frank, put her in her place and don't let her get away with crap like that or it'll only fester and grow into resentment so call her out on it. 

She had an affair, it needed to end, shes in the wrong, she needs to make up. Those are the facts and thats that. Any resentment towards the BS for breaking up an affair and protecting the marriage can not be tolerated in any shape or form.

One poster's wife was actually mourning the loss of her EA in front of her husband, unbelievable. Lying in bed all day and crying, and he did nothing, and it only continued. 


Tell her if shes so distraught about losing her EA partner then she can pack her bags and go live with him as you won't have her living in the marital home whilst pining for another man.

So either she cuts that crap out or starts looking for alternate housing.

Let her know that while you will be with her you will not tolerate her bullsh!t, best to get this through her head early on that she ain't off the hook.

This is a stance that you will be respected for. Most waywards, either consciously or subconsciously think 'I got away with it' if they're world doesn't get blown up after their affair is discovered so to curb this response, the betrayed spouse needs to be tough. 

Also have you exposed?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

No. You shouldnt. 
My wife was "upset" by what shed done, read NC letter over the phone while on speaker and myself and OM wife listening. 
Tearful and "never want to have anything to do with you again" and "im sorry i have ruined our marriages", ghe whole nine yards. 
Me being the trusting sucker that i was, thought that was the end of it. 
LOL and behold i come to find out they were in communication THE NEXT DAY, and the A continued as an EA for the next two months until i caught wind of it. 
If shes getting pissy, tough. All that shows is that she is still putting OM ahead of your marriage. 
So make her send it. And watch her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ And that Stickman is why you need to crack down on this.

Also let her know that if you find out she continued her EA in any way there will be serious consequences.

And by serious consequences I'm talking the one where clothes are packed or a lawyer is contacted if not already. 

EAs are very dangerous, and hard to quash unless going full force. 

1 text, 1 email, one like on facebook after NC and it can instantly go back to full on EA.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

StickMan1 said:


> I should clarify... she's willing, but should I wait for her to own up and say 'hey, let's do it now!' I don't think so because she's hoping my stance will pass, but I'm keeping the topic active. We agreed on it last night. This morning when we got up I suggested we do it when kids go to school this morn. She said 'fine'. All normal stuff, right? I don't want to F this up and have it come back on me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you are not F'ing this up by protecting your marriage. You will only F it up if you go soft on the NC or on her moping after that. You have to be firm and make this NC happen. On her moping or grieving, you have to be firm as well. Give her an hour to grieve, not more. After that tell her you gave her an hour, which should be sufficient. If the OM means more to her, you will help her pack her bags and leave.


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

Yeah together we're unfriending him on FB, deleting him from our phones and sending the NC. He's a mutual 'friend', so I'm doing it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Make sure you approve what her NC letter says and make sure it is completely unambiguous in both tone and content. 

Odds are better than not that she's going to want to soften it with dribble like, "I will miss your friendship but stickman and I must focus on us" or "I wish you nothing but the best in your life" She's likely going to want "closure" or a "good" goodbye. Again to remind you I've been where your wife is - it's all BS!!! There is no closure, there is no good goodbye. Cut his head off (figuratively speaking of course) and be done. All of the above is her protecting him at best and at worst it's her trying to preserve some shred of their "connection" "just in case" it doesn't work out with you. 

Insist on it and insist on what it says. If she stops moving in the direction and manner you want start moving in your own the other direction. Actions. Actions. Actions. Listen only to what her actions say.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ And that Stickman is why you need to crack down on this.
> 
> Also let her know that if you find out she continued her EA in any way there will be serious consequences.
> 
> ...



this is absolutely correct. her relapses at that time have set us back immeasurably in our attempt at R.
say "one more ANYTHING and thats it". and MEAN it.
i didnt and it is very hard to face that lack of respect for YOURSELF.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You'll know where she's at when you read the letter.

Before sending it you should post it up here for comments.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

StickMan1 said:


> Yeah together we're unfriending him on FB, deleting him from our phones and sending the NC. He's a mutual 'friend', so I'm doing it too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont forget to BLOCK him on FB as well. Also see if you can block his calls to both your phones.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Stick---this is not about "you don't want this to come back on you"

She should WANT/BE WILLING/DO EVERYTHING TO KEEP HER MGE---she should da*n well , BETTER have the greatest attitude in the world about this----or you and your mge., are still NOWHERE---and her friend is still in your mge

A TRULY remorseful, repenetant, wife will do everything she can to keep her mge, and do it happily--------that is what her loving you is all about---if she doesn't have the right attitude---then you better sit her down, and have a deadly serious talk, about where your mge, is, where its going, and if she even loves you, anymore------cuz what you are asking her to do----is very easy to do, IF SHE TRULY LOVES YOU


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just a comment from the female perspective here.

Her 'pissiness' is also a defensive reaction - she knows that what she's been doing isn't kosher. She also wants to think of herself in positive ways, so she spins it for herself as if she's somehow the injured party, i.e., the well-known 'you're trying to control me' defense. Basically, while she's doing things she knows are wrong, her mind is busy trying to justify so that she doesn't have to think of herself as a bad person. We all see this happening - almost like we can watch her mind working.

Rather than engage any of the particulars of her self-justification, just focus on the part of her that knows her behavior is wrong. Keep it simple and firm.

Say something like, 'Enough of this. It's time for you to grow up and act like a wife. Just grow up.'


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Just a comment from the female perspective here.
> 
> Her 'pissiness' is also a defensive reaction - she knows that what she's been doing isn't kosher. She also wants to think of herself in positive ways, so she spins it for herself as if she's somehow the injured party, i.e., the well-known 'you're trying to control me' defense. Basically, while she's doing things she knows are wrong, her mind is busy trying to justify so that she doesn't have to think of herself as a bad person. We all see this happening - almost like we can watch her mind working.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the female perspective, very helpful and I think you nailed it.

We sent the NCs together about 1/2 hour ago. I'd say it went fine. She wasn't happy, but she wasn't a fall apart mess either.
At one point she said 'you don't need to hover over me'. I said, 'Yes I do'. She didn't try and steer it or be fluffy or anything, it was very matter of fact, this relationship continues to cause damage to our marriage and needs to end, sort of thing. We read each others (said basically the same thing) and hit SEND. We deleted him out of our contacts on our phones. We went of FB and unfriended him from both of our accts.

She left and made a snide remark about 'glad this helps you..' I followed with 'don't be foolish, this is for us'.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well playes Stick


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I ment "played"


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That parting remark is telling...

She doesn't get it.

Keep your guard up. The usual mantra is "trust but verify" honestly I don't think you should even trust yet. It is so amazingly easy to take this stuff underground it's scary. Be on the look out. 

This stuff dies hard. Don't breath a sigh of relief or let up yet. You've to keep your foot on the neck of this until YOU KNOW it's dead.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember they always get pissy when you stand up and start protecting them from there unhealthy choices.

Remember her remarks solidify the fact that this is not over and you will need to verify NC for a little while...hopefully she will start to warm up to you again and you won't have to be a full time member of the cheater police. You can join me...I'm semi retired from the force.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maybe I need to go back to your other thread to get this answered, but I'll ask it anyway. Were are you at with finding contact info on OMW?


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