# Do I tell the friend about her kid?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I am SO fortunate to have a good kid. We have been through a lot and I know she isn't perfect but she isn't boy crazy [yet, haha], she is funny and well balanced - not a perfect student and a bit lazy around the house but all in all she's good and we have fun. 

SO. BFF had opportunity to go out of town on a retreat w/ female co-workers but it happened to be her daughter's 17th birthday and all she wanted was a sleepover at a hotel. (Dad's hours meant he went to bed at 8pm and house needs to be quiet so she never had sleepovers. BFF asked if I would get them a hotel, told me which one and there is nothing to walk to/get into trouble there and there is an indoor heated pool. Cool. So I agree. My kiddo is invited.

Supervise dinner at a nice restaurant where 5 girls + birthday girl attend. Find out 1 girl can't stay at hotel and she's the mature, reliable one. Some girls drive (2 are 18, seniors) and I drive BFFs D and kiddo, check them in, check the room - it's a family hotel. Drive home 10 minutes away. 11pm Kiddo asks me to bring games because they are bored and done swimming. I take a bag of games to them. Next morning I go to to pick them up, check the room to make sure they were courteous, didn't leave a mess or leave stuff. All good. BFF D spends the night at my house.

2 days later after BFF's D leaves, my kiddo tells me that BFFs D and one of the 18y/o went to a hooka lounge (15 minutes up the road) after a brief dip in the pool and before board games. BFF's D 1) is too young to legally smoke and 2) wasn't supposed to leave the hotel. Upon my friend's return I also find out that the whole hotel thing was ONLY if the girl who couldn't stay (responsible one, remember) actually stayed in the hotel. BFF's D lied to her mom. I didn't know this rule or I wouldn't have gotten the hotel.

I find a photo on BFF's D on instagram (on kiddo's account - I don't have one) of BFFs D smoking in the hooka lounge. 

Do I tell BFF now that I have proof? I feel bad - I don't want to start a fight between our kids and I'm SO THANKFUL my daughter is honest and open with me. Will I ruin it with my D by telling on BFF's D?

I did a screen shot of the Instagram post. It doesn't say when although it day show how many days ago it was. And no one has to know my kiddo told on her and that's how I found the post.

But if it were my kid, I'd want someone to tell me. It DOES take a village to raise a child. I feel betrayed by BFFs D that she took advantage of my getting that hotel room for her and then sneaking out.


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## JimInCT (Feb 5, 2014)

Yep, tell her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree, tell her. I would want to know if it was MY kid doing that. I am surprised that they did an overnight hotel stay with no adult present all night.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You absolutely MUST tell BFF! The fallout may, indeed, be loss of friendship with your kiddo, but the bigger point is...

Your BFF SUSPECTED that her D was untrustworthy (hence, the rule that the entire hotel stay was contingent upon MATURE friend being able to stay.)

BFF's D 

lies to her (about Mature friend being able to stay)
liest to you (by omission)
sneaks out
goes to illegal (at her age) venues
has friends who ENCOURAGE/AID/ABET this behavior

Sounds like your kiddo is better off (especially at HER age) not hanging out with this older girl who is already looking for trouble!

Hope your BFF can take it well. Broach it from the 'I love you like a sister, and you KNOW that. I really don't want to be the one to tell you this, but if it was reversed I would expect you to have MY back as a parent...."

Tell her and then sit back and BITE YOUR TONGUE...her attitude/defensiveness/silence will tell you volumes about how she is going to actually deal with this situation and with you & kiddo re: this situation.

Best of luck on this, Enjoli!!!!!!! *hugs* from me and my kiddo!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Absolutely tell her. Then hang up the phone, turn to your daughter, and tell her WHY you told. And tell her to expect the same until she's grown and out of the house. Because you love her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell her, but perhaps a "story" can be worked out about how things were uncovered without it falling on your daughter. 

On the other hand, it doesn't seem like the BFF's daughter is someone you really want to be an influence on YOUR daughter, so maybe it isn't a great loss if she does find out...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dannie1348 (Nov 17, 2011)

O yes soon as possible !!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Reading this reminds me of when I was a kid and believe me that was a long time ago being that I'm 66.

Growing up, all us kids in the neighborhood had parents and when I think about it, the parents could have been interchangeable because none of the parents had any trouble reading the riot act to any of the kids. 

We were kids, they were parents and didn't mean a hill of beans if they were yours or not. If one kid stepped out of line the closest parent available was the authority figure and God help you if you didn't listen because all it took was one phone call from them to you parents and in my situation, my mother besides climbing up and down my back would end it by saying those six magic words, "Wait until your father gets home." 

I would crawl though a mile of glass and beg my mother not to tell. In most cases she handled the problem but once in a while I got stupid and didn't listen and then "The old man jumped in." I learned that it's really foolish to make the same mistake twice. And before anyone says something, my Dad was not a violent man. He gave us fair warning not once but twice and if you still didn't learn, shame on me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

6301, I SO wish it was still like that. It's become so much of 'MY child would never do that' that I can't trust anyone any more.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Back when I was a kid I could rarely if ever get away with a lie or some other stupid youthful indiscretion due to a network of family and friends all waiting to rat me out to my mom. At the time I was mad but now I thank my mom and those people for keeping me from doing even more stupid decisions.

So yes please tell them. I would want my friends to tell me if my son was acting like an idiot and getting into trouble.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I would tell, absolutely, but I would try to keep my kid out of it, maybe say she left the screen up while she went to the bathroom and you walked by and saw it - then started asking her questions.

But I am a little perplexed, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but I thought you said on another thread that you thought smoking pot was pretty benign. If that is true, why would smoking at a hooka bar be a big deal to you?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

We told our SIL that our nephew was smoking pot, he is 16. She got upset at us and is still not talking to us almost a year later. Some kids have lots of influence on their parents. appernly we miss understood, blew it out of proportion, it was oregano, ect. 

I don't regret telling her and I would want someone to tell me. Too bad she is still in denial.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

How did it go, EnjoliWoman? Well, we hope!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mablenc said:


> We told our SIL that our nephew was smoking pot, he is 16. She got upset at us and is still not talking to us almost a year later. Some kids have lots of influence on their parents. appernly we miss understood, blew it out of proportion, it was oregano, ect.
> 
> I don't regret telling her and I would want someone to tell me. Too bad she is still in denial.


Well, you can laugh at her in 10 years when he's a deadbeat adult living in her basement.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> it was oregano, ect.


Ya mean "spice", have her look that one up......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you hear about the raids on hydrangeas going on now? Turns out you can smoke them and get high, so kids have been going after them...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Nutmeg too, keep an eye on your spice cupboard.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, that reminds me of when DD23 was having a high school party, and they dared each other to sniff cinnamon. Apparently, it's very painful.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

JustHer said:


> I would tell, absolutely, but I would try to keep my kid out of it, maybe say she left the screen up while she went to the bathroom and you walked by and saw it - then started asking her questions.
> 
> But I am a little perplexed, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but I thought you said on another thread that you thought smoking pot was pretty benign. If that is true, why would smoking at a hooka bar be a big deal to you?


I do think smoking pot is pretty benign but for a teen brain? No. And the fact she smokes like she is experienced (apparently by the smoke rings) this isn't the first time. When one smokes pot, they USUALLY don't smoke the equivalent of a pack or two a day - who could afford it! An adult smoking few puffs a day in the evening after work to me isn't a big deal but smoking tobacco (which is physically addictive; pot isn't) can result in a long time habit leading to all sorts of health problems. But if she were smoking pot I'd tell on that one, too. She's a minor.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

BFF's kiddo was put a year ahead when she was in pre-school so she's a year younger than her classmates. 3 of the girls were 18. That's why I could leave them in the hotel - there WAS an adult there. I just had to check them in because I was paying plus I checked the room before and after to make sure everything was in order.

SO - I did tell her. I texted her that I had a photo I needed to send her and I sent the screen shot of the Instagram photo so she could see for herself. I said that I didn't realize they left and that I was upset she violated my trust and I told her I found it during a random check of kiddos phone which she knows I do.

She confronted her daughter who has lost all privileges including phone and laptop and she is making daughter pay for the hotel. BFF did not tell her how she found out - she only told her daughter that lying was stupid and taking photo was every more stupid so the kid knows it was from Instagram but doesn't know how/why. And apparently she doesn't know because she has still been friendly with my kid.

As to her being a bad influence, I can't isolate kiddo from that. Instead we use these things as an opportunity to discuss choices. My daughter is VERY headstrong and she is firmly rooted in her opinions and not easily swayed. She doesn't care that boys see her as intimidating (not in a mean way - because she's strong from gymnastics and can beat most of them in arm wrestling tho I sense that will change now that she's a freshmen!) And kiddo has no interest in tobacco although we have talked about alcohol, alcohol poisoning, pot (and that it can make some people total slackers but so can alcohol) as well as other more dangerous substances.

She's pretty street smart (her Dad has a criminal justice degree and works in a complementary field) so I don't think she's likely to be easily swayed.

So, in deference to my kid since she was the one who told me (which I really appreciated), I think telling me PROVES she is strong enough to know right from wrong. The other girls apparently told her "it's your birthday - do what you want".

Oddly tho, I find out from my kiddo last night that she is no longer allowed to associate with BFFs kiddo because MY kid is a bad influence! I'm not sure how THAT is the case since her kid binge eats while my kid is active; her kid is barely passing school while my kid has mostly As and Bs (one high C in Algebra), my kid is still a virgin (her kid is not and she does not know this) and my kid has never tried smoking, drugs or alcohol. 

Now I realize my daughter will eventually date and have boyfriends and sex some day. And she may try a drink at a party, etc. So making those comparisons when they are two years apart isn't necessarily fair and there were times when her kid was doing better and mine was struggling. We've never played "my kid is better than yours" but thinking my kid is the bad influence burns my butt. 

And they still owe me for the hotel. I'll be asking about that tonight. I haven't decided if I'm going to say anything bout knowing they can't socialize.

Oh, and the "good girl" who is 18 has PE with my kiddo and they are becoming close and are both sad at BFF's kid's choices.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> lol, that reminds me of when DD23 was having a high school party, and they dared each other to sniff cinnamon. Apparently, it's very painful.




:rofl::rofl:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> BFF's kiddo was put a year ahead when she was in pre-school so she's a year younger than her classmates. 3 of the girls were 18. That's why I could leave them in the hotel - there WAS an adult there. I just had to check them in because I was paying plus I checked the room before and after to make sure everything was in order.
> 
> SO - I did tell her. I texted her that I had a photo I needed to send her and I sent the screen shot of the Instagram photo so she could see for herself. I said that I didn't realize they left and that I was upset she violated my trust and I told her I found it during a random check of kiddos phone which she knows I do.
> 
> ...


Well, I am glad things turned out good.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, I guess it turned out fine in that BFF didn't blame ME - but thinking my kiddo was a bad influence? SMH


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oddly tho, I find out from my kiddo last night that she is no longer allowed to associate with BFFs kiddo because MY kid is a bad influence! I'm not sure how THAT is the case since her kid binge eats while my kid is active; her kid is barely passing school while my kid has mostly As and Bs (one high C in Algebra), my kid is still a virgin (her kid is not and she does not know this) and my kid has never tried smoking, drugs or alcohol.


Reminds me of when DD23 was in 8th grade, liked this boy from a super strict Bible Belt Baptist family, they all hung out as a group. Well, DD really liked the group Good Charlotte (think lots of tattoos), so I offered to get concert tickets and invited the boy to go with us. His mom called me and told me she looked the band up online and decided they were a bad influence, so he couldn't go. (this band, twin guys, were good people who took care of their mother, who raised them alone) This boy ended up being one of the worst kids in the school, from sex to drugs to everything in between. My kid's working on a PhD. But his mom sure felt good about her decisions.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Who said that your kid was a bad influence? Was it the other daughter? If so, maybe she is making it up because she knows it was your daughter that told you about the smoking and she just wants an excess not to hang out with her anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

JustHer said:


> Who said that your kid was a bad influence? Was it the other daughter? If so, maybe she is making it up because she knows it was your daughter that told you about the smoking and she just wants an excess not to hang out with her anymore.


Yeah it was the daughter. She may have figured that out although as I said it was on her Instagram. You are the second person to suggest that. Maybe. Although there are signs they don't like her.

Biding time. Not something to go into over text, etc. Best to wait for some face time.


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