# Treated badly by wife, help with coping after separation



## Daftpunk (Nov 28, 2017)

I don’t really know for certain why I’m writing this. I suppose for therapeutic reasons and reassurance from other people that have experienced this that the pain will go away. Right now 2 weeks on its still unbearable.

If you look in my posts(can’t post links) you will see a previous post about my wife’s sneaky and avoiding behaviour. This is a follow up around 3 months later.

So anyway in the end I found enough circumstantial proof over the last 6 weeks to confront my wife that she was seeing an ex behind my back. I cowardly kept putting it off as I knew this would be the end of my family and we was getting on great, she was constantly talking about our future but in the end the pain was eating away at me and I had to confront her. The strange thing is the last week or so we were together she would question me like she was suspicious of my whereabouts and who I was with? I have never and would never have cheated on my wife. Maybe a guilty conscience on her behalf?


The final straw leading me to confront her was I found out that her ex had been paying the internet bill for nearly 3 years(she was seeing him when we separated for 6 months). I naturally assumed it came out of her bank account but when I found out by chance I was like what the ****?? When I asked her why she went to her mums to avoid me for 2 days as she didn’t want to argue about it. She only said that he Set it up for her while we was apart and she just ‘forgot’ and offered no other explanation and flatly refused to apologise or understand why I would be upset. 

This as I say was the final straw so I made up my mind I had to go and rented a room and returned home to talk to her. She was still avoiding me but I had to speak to her to tell her I was going and we have 3 lovely children that I was heartbroken to be leaving.

Anyway whilst waiting for her to come home I noticed my 10 year old daughters phone on side on charge. My wife and I check it every day or two to make sure she is only in contact with her school friends(why a 10 year old needs a phone who knows but I was talked into it) anyway I notice texts from my wife to my daughter. Basically they said things like ‘please don’t worry about earlier. Lots of parents get divorced and you children are our main priority’ etc. So my wife told at least one of my children without me that we were divorcing, before I’d even spoke to her. 
To say I was angry wouldn’t come close, to not even have the chance to sit down with my girls and explain that I had to go and Daddy loves you and will see you as often as I can just broke me. Thankfully I was alone at this point as I was just inconsolable.

Anyway fast forward a few hours and my wife comes home with kids. I say kids can you go upstairs and said to my wife could you sit down I need to talk. She refused, I again said I need to talk it’s important but she just said I know what you want, you’re leaving pack your stuff and go and said it so coldly. She said she had found a list after going down my work bag of my ingoings and outgoings moneywise as I was working out finances a day or two before.

I said I was going but don’t you want to know why, I was pretty upset by this point and I said I’m going because I think you’re cheating, she said she wasn’t and I said I have evidence, she said I don’t care I’m not, i again said look this is the evidence and she refused to look at it and said I don’t care about your evidence I’m not cheating pack your stuff and go this is MY house(she moved into this home during our time apart and during rows had referred to it as her house) 

She could see I was devestated but Just shouted to the kids to come and went to her mums again on her way out telling me to go. I got some things together and left. Heartbroken wouldn’t cover it. I did not have any contact with her whatsoever for 3 days. No how are you or anything. I arranged to take my kids out for breakfast on the 4th day and my 6 year old told me they had stayed at her grans last night as mummy went out out for dinner and didn’t come back until this morning. 
Again I was devestated, I’m not sure why as I already kind of knew but my mind ran wild. I avoided the subject with my daughters to try and enjoy our few hours together. I dropped them off and spent the next 8 hours in a state I’m not proud to admit. After 8 hours I text my wife for the first time since I left saying Did you spend last night with your ex. To which she responded with a single text saying ‘please stop’ Then blocked me. I swear that was literally the only message I had sent since we parted 4 days before. Her lack of denial made my mind up and I just packed some things and went to stay with my parents as I was in a dark place. Luckily they’re 100 miles away so I got away from the area and they’re brilliant. 
So the very next evening and just 5 days after I’ve left my daughter let’s slip about her great day out, my wife and this fella took my kids out for the day. 
I still havent heard a word from my wife. No apology no nothing. We had plans and have a 10k family holiday paid up for August on which we were going to try for another baby. In total this is now 2 weeeks since I left. I’ve been signed off work and staying with my parents still who have been wonderful. I’m cowardly avoiding proper conversation with my daughters because I’m terrified they will let something slip about their new life. It’s constantly on my brain what they’re all up to, I can’t sleep or eat.

Luckily I know my girls think the world of me and love me a lot and they tell me this severel times a day but I just can’t seem to come to terms with this grief. The fact my wife hasn’t bothered to talk to me eats me up terribly. I know I was a good husband. Not the best but I always put her first, I Did more housework than her and pretty much let her get her own way on whatever she wanted as I enjoyed making her happy. I was nothing but a family man, my wife and kids were my life. 3 months ago we were happy as could be(seemingly). Just a few weeks ago I had a wife, kids, house, dog, plans for future and now I seem to have nothing. I just can’t see a way out of the darkness at the moment. 

Im a private person and not the sort to really open up so find putting this here the best for me. I do not want her back but I miss them all terribly. I suppose deep down I know I’m better off, I deserve better, and I’ll probably get over this in a year /2 years however long it takes but that might as well be a million years away as even tomorrow seems a lifetime away. I have so much anger in me and have had so many thoughts of physically attacking this man. But the last thing I have is a pretty good job and that will go if I do so I’ve somehow restrained myself so far. 

Anyone who has been through this come out the other side better? Sorry for the long post. I appreciate your feedback and your time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Daftpunk Going through separation and divorce is always hard, regardless of whether you saw it coming or not, and regardless of whose choice it was to end the relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're grieving not only your relationship, but also the woman you thought she was, and the future you thought you had together. Yes, you are better off without a woman like this as your partner, but that knowledge doesn't make this process any easier. And it is a process you need to go through to get to the other side. You have to experience the grief and you have to deal with it. If you don't, it will just resurface later.

And I am happy to tell you that, YES! It will get better! It is hard to see right now because you are in the throes of your grief, and it's hard to imagine that you will ever recover from this. I've been there. Many people on TAM have been there. And so many of us are in a much better place now, having gone through that same place of darkness. I often tell people that while my divorce was painful and difficult, the most difficult thing I've ever experienced, it's also the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to take a hard look at my life and why I would choose someone like my XH, and I resolved to make changes and to become better and to make better choices. I'm still a work in progress, and I'm still growing, but the changes I have seen in myself are nothing short of astounding.

This process does make you re-evaluate what you want out of your life, and what you want out of your future now that your STBXW is no longer part of it. And that can be a little overwhelming. Don't worry about that right now. Right now, focus on the day to day. Focus on self-care. Focus on your children. But mostly, focus on your self-care.

What do I mean by that? Focus on your physical and mental well-being. Make sure that you are eating right, staying active/gym (or getting active, if you haven't been), and make sure you are getting enough sleep. Focus on your job--that's at least 8 hours of distraction today. What are things (activities) that bring you joy, which you maybe let slip by the wayside while you were married? Start doing those again. Spend more time with friends and family--let them support you. And if you aren't already, you should look into individual counseling to help work through this grief and help with this transition; this can really help with the introspection and growth part.

And ASAP, if you haven't already, find a good lawyer! You want to file for divorce before she does so you have more control over the situation and hopefully have the upper hand. Also, you need a lawyer's advice to make sure that you're doing things that are in your best interest (and the best interest of your kids).

And finally, stop expecting her to have any concern or empathy for you at this point. She's done, and she's in what people call an affair fog. This POSOM is her sun and moon now, and all her decisions are driven by her desire to be with him. You are a speedbump, and obstacle to her at this point. She doesn't care anymore. She's not going to check in on you or care how you are doing or feeling. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but that is where she is coming from. Stop expecting anything from her--her not meeting your expectations in this manner are part of what is bringing you down.

And this planned family vacation--who paid for it, her or you? I would suggest, if you paid for it, take the kids without her. Or cancel the whole vacation and get as much of your money back as possible. If she paid for it, be prepared that she is going to take the kids with the POSOM on the vacation so they all can have some family time together.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Daftpunk;

I think that the woman is clearly into using people and focusing on herself.

3ears of internet off an ex? Common on now how hard is to change your internet provider/ 

She doesn't want to have to see your evidence that she is cheating. As long as she doesn't see it, she can deny that you have any. 

Figure out what kind of relationship you want with the children. Make that important. See an attorney. Focus on things that bring you happiness. Also focus on the fact that she is no longer your concern, your problem or your happiness. She is someone else's basket of problems.

Good luck. Use this time to focus on improving yourself and your relationship with the children. Let her ruin her life and be grateful you don't have to deal with her problems anymore.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @Daftpunk Going through separation and divorce is always hard, regardless of whether you saw it coming or not, and regardless of whose choice it was to end the relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're grieving not only your relationship, but also the woman you thought she was, and the future you thought you had together. Yes, you are better off without a woman like this as your partner, but that knowledge doesn't make this process any easier. And it is a process you need to go through to get to the other side. You have to experience the grief and you have to deal with it. If you don't, it will just resurface later.
> 
> And I am happy to tell you that, YES! It will get better! It is hard to see right now because you are in the throes of your grief, and it's hard to imagine that you will ever recover from this. I've been there. Many people on TAM have been there. And so many of us are in a much better place now, having gone through that same place of darkness. I often tell people that while my divorce was painful and difficult, the most difficult thing I've ever experienced, it's also the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to take a hard look at my life and why I would choose someone like my XH, and I resolved to make changes and to become better and to make better choices. I'm still a work in progress, and I'm still growing, but the changes I have seen in myself are nothing short of astounding.
> 
> ...


Took me 6-7 months to get over this, from the woman I had spent the last 14 years of marriage with and 17 years of my life. Even with the divorce process started now, I still get thrown off from time to time but yeah, all logic goes out the window. My STBX was and still is a prominent member of the church and even that didn't stop her from continuing her pursuit of being with her married soulmate.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Exposure. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Daftpunk It's going to go something like this (below). You want it to be a straight line, where each day gets progressively a little better, but it doesn't work like that. You're going to have great days and you're going to have awful days. You'll think that you're making great progress, then feel like you've slid back. But eventually, the line gets straight again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

stillfightingforus said:


> Took me 6-7 months to get over this, from the woman I had spent the last 14 years of marriage with and 17 years of my life. Even with the divorce process started now, I still get thrown off from time to time but yeah, all logic goes out the window. My STBX was and still is a prominent member of the church and even that didn't stop her from continuing her pursuit of being with her married soulmate.


It took me longer. The first six months of separation were great, because the constant stress and anxiety of being around him on a daily basis was gone. After six months, I learned that he had a new girlfriend and he would rather start over with her than try to fix things with me, and that caused a huge downward spiral, because I finally had to deal with the grief over losing the relationship. Five months later, after the divorce papers were filed and made final, I felt great again to finally be free of everything, but after that I had to go through the hard work of figuring out who I was post-divorce and beginning to heal the damage from his emotional abuse, which opened up a huge can of emotional worms from my FOO. It's all a process.

Disclosure: my divorce wasn't over an affair, so you (@Daftpunk) will be dealing with different issues, more similar to what @stillfightingforus has has to deal with.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It took me about a year to get better. 2 years to get in decent shape. Every day I go, I get even better. I'm probably 99.9% indifferent to my ex wife. She can't bother me anymore.

I'm getting married soon to a woman that has a normal personality, treats me like a king, and seems 100% trustworthy.

OP, I've been where you are. I have some things I'd like to tell you when you're not hurting so badly, so I'll just tell you that Feminist in Pink is very accurate in her description of how things will go, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Actually, until you accept that this adulterous, deceitful woman is not the person you loved, and that your marriage is ABSOLUTELY OVER, you won't get better.

I urge you to tell yourself everyday at least 1000 times that your marriage is OVER and that you are a GOOD MAN and that yOU CAN DO BETTER. Eventually it will sink in and you can accept it and move on. You must stay moving forward. Work on the divorce. Work on your relationship with your kids. Work on improving your fitness. Work on getting a promotion. Work at a new hobby. Do anything you can to keep yourself busy, busy. 

You will find that there is a huge supply of beautiful women that are eager to date you, eventually. Be careful not to degrade yourself by sleeping around or dating women that aren't good on paper. Women that have obvious red flags, dump them.

Yes, you don't think so, but there is a LOT of women out there. Yes, ONE DAY you WILL want to date again. Don't let your crappy ex wife hurt your self image, destroy your outlook on life, and damage your personality. You can find one who won't cheat. Be careful where you look for one.

It gets better. But there's a lot of pain and it takes a lot of courage to get through it. I encourage you to get help.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> @Daftpunk It's going to go something like this (below). You want it to be a straight line, where each day gets progressively a little better, but it doesn't work like that. You're going to have great days and you're going to have awful days.  You'll think that you're making great progress, then feel like you've slid back. But eventually, the line gets straight again.


So true...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> So true...


It's my favorite graphic. I have posted it on soooo many threads. And this one:


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

You are in a deep, dark pit of agony. It’s mental torture. Your stomach/chest hurts like someone’s stabbing you. Your confidence is shot, and your stuck in a nightmare that wont end. Can’t sleep, eat, function normal. I know it well. 

Don’t drive yourself crazy thinking about her with another guy, that makes it worse. 
I would recomend going ‘No Contact’. It’s a little hard because children involved, but research it - as well as check out Michele Weiner-Davis‘s Divorce Busting tips and doing a 180. Michele’s advice I believe is more about winning back someone, but It’s still GREAT to do for your own mentality.
I was nearly on the same boat as you, and my whole sad story was actually posted here on TAM in 2015. I was freaking out, wanted to die. You will eventually stop caring. 
Now, me and my ex get along great, I’m remarried, and I’ve become friends with the guy she replaced me with and married. 
funny how things turn out, but I always hate thinking about how I handled everything back then - The crying, pleading, and practically stalking.... made me look sooo pathetic and just made her run faster.
Also, don’t make the mistake of jumping into a rebound relationship. That I can tell you almost never works out. You need to grieve and come out of this stronger. I had 14 years with ex. It took me 3-4 months to start feeling half way OK, able to function at work without being grumpy all day long. 6-7 months for my anxiety to be gone and my confidence back. 10-11 months out of it...and she was just an ex, just someone I used to know.
Therapy was GREAT! Just venting to someone helps big time. I had suicidal thoughts at one point, but a year later I laugh about it. I was told similar back then, when i just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but they were right - It gets better. enjoy being single, hit the casino, golf....
It does get better, but it’s really going to suck right now.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I feel like I am in a very similar place, unfortunately, I'm not through it yet either, I'm right at the start, only a week or two ahead of you. You are stronger than you think you are, you will get through it, you just have to believe in yourself and that you have a future without her. She is not your world. She is no longer your problem or priority. The kids are what's important now, and YOU.

There is one thing I can tell you that you will come to see for yourself, a truth about your STBXW that I've learned about my STBXH. She has zero empathy for you, she is completely focused on herself right now and what she wants. Nothing you can say or do will change that. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. In her mind, she has merely moved on, and even if it started before your marriage breakup, there'll be no acknowledgement of that fact. She won't even admit it to herself. You can't reason with her.

You'll be hurting and you won't be able to help yourself from trying to get through to her, but at the end of the day, the only thing that will come of that is you will start to develop contempt for her. It's inevitable. Be prepared to feel like you cannot even stand being in her presence. It will make you sick to your stomach. You will have to hide this from the kids.

You need to get back control of your life right now. You need to start planning what you're going to do now. You need to make sure you have access to your kids and some sort of Parenting Plan or whatever it's called where you live to have a written agreement on time spent with kids, holiday plans and the rest of it.

These situations always make me think of a quote (it's the serenity prayer, and being atheist I have to use a different version)
I will seek the serenity to accept what I cannot change; the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Right now, my own wisdom has been hard-won, and it's that trying to change anything about the way your ex thinks or acts is futile, so focus only on your own thoughts and actions and make sure you're on the path you need to be on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm getting married soon to a woman that has a normal personality, treats me like a king, and seems 100% trustworthy.


Hey Ev... don’t mean to threadjack, but is this the same GF you posted about in your last thread? Or someone else?

Hang in there OP. You’re getting some REALLY good advice here... read and re-read all of it. As many times as it takes for it to start sinking in. Develop an action plan from the advice.


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## Daftpunk (Nov 28, 2017)

Wow, I’m truly humbled so many of you took the time to respond. Thank you. I’m really trying to hold it together. I miss my children terribly. Luckily I paid every last penny for the holiday so I’ll be taking them to Disneyworld in August. Even that though at the moment upsets me as when I booked it was the holiday of a lifetime family holiday. I’m sure we will still have a blast though. It’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know as people have said I need to forget the empathy or lack of but it’s really so hard. It’s beyond my comprehension that in 2 weeks she hasn’t tried to contact me to apologise or even acknowledge it’s happening. I haven’t heard a word. I think she must be pretty evil and that’s hard to accept. 

Anyway thanks again folks. I really do appreciate it, I’ve even taken the uncharacteristic step of accepting some counselling from my work health provider. I’m hoping this will help me cope.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Daftpunk said:


> Wow, I’m truly humbled so many of you took the time to respond. Thank you. I’m really trying to hold it together. I miss my children terribly. Luckily I paid every last penny for the holiday so I’ll be taking them to Disneyworld in August. Even that though at the moment upsets me as when I booked it was the holiday of a lifetime family holiday. I’m sure we will still have a blast though. It’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> I know as people have said I need to forget the empathy or lack of but it’s really so hard. It’s beyond my comprehension that in 2 weeks she hasn’t tried to contact me to apologise or even acknowledge it’s happening. I haven’t heard a word. I think she must be pretty evil and that’s hard to accept.
> 
> Anyway thanks again folks. I really do appreciate it, I’ve even taken the uncharacteristic step of accepting some counselling from my work health provider. I’m hoping this will help me cope.


That's completely understandable. I couldn't comprehend how STBXH could just stop feeling anything for me, and it has been extremely hard to come to terms with it. The fact is, he has moved on and even said he's moved on. I think he moved on a long time ago, the same as your STBXW. They are so much further along in the separation process. Imagine if you'd started detaching emotionally many months ago, and started spending all your time thinking of a relationship with someone else. They aren't evil, they are just self-centered. To you, it seems evil because you still care. To her, it's not her problem how you feel.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Best advice I ever heard is acceptance, whatever happens in life good or bad just accept and be happy about it. Bad marriage just accept and be happy. Possible infidelity accept be happy. Conflict accept be happy. Now I'm not saying be a doormat but giving sound advice. It's all about controlling what you can control and accepting what others do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know the truth so that's all that matters.

Living in infidelity is hell. You can only control yourself.

If the other man is married you should inform his wife.

Sorry she has put you in this place.


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## Daftpunk (Nov 28, 2017)

Spoke to my counsellor and she has suggested I make a list of all the things my wife did that made me angry/upset. I’ve had to buy an excercise book. 😂

I so reallse I’m better off but getting there is the problem. Thanks again for the advice folks.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

I'd go to Ibiza for opening parties and hope DF is headlining.

Pretty sure you'll get your mind off your current affairs.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've been listening to a few Ted Talks to help me through. There's one called "How to fix a broken heart" by Guy Winch that I liked in particular.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Meetup groups made me forget everything in the past and helped me regain my self esteem. Took about 2 weeks to forget 24 years . It was me in a group of 25 women. Lost 20 pounds of non stop dancing........Haven't looked back.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Is her ex married? ALso, you should expose her to your/her family, and you need to make it clear in an age-appropriate way that what your wife did is WRONG to your children. You don't want them thinking that thiis is a good way to live. You can also try to get them being exposed to her AP limited via separation agreements -- you NEED to get a great lawyer ASAP and get your finances secured.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Leaving a cheating spouse is always for the better. No one deserves to be abused. It’s hard to see now but 5 years from now you’ll look back and the only regret will be you didn’t get out sooner. 

Be first to a lawyer be first to file. She has an advantage you don’t which is she isn’t dealing with the emotional turmoil.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Hey Ev... don’t mean to threadjack, but is this the same GF you posted about in your last thread? Or someone else?
> 
> Hang in there OP. You’re getting some REALLY good advice here... read and re-read all of it. As many times as it takes for it to start sinking in. Develop an action plan from the advice.


Someone else....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You will be far better off without her remotely anywhere in your life!

Don't give it even the pleasure of a second thought!*


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Daftpunk said:


> Spoke to my counsellor and she has suggested I make a list of all the things my wife did that made me angry/upset. I’ve had to buy an excercise book. 😂
> 
> I so reallse I’m better off but getting there is the problem. Thanks again for the advice folks.


Here is another trick to try. Get a rubber band and wear it on your wrist, whenever you start thinking bad thoughts snap it. After about a day your wrist will be pretty raw. You won't want to have bad thoughts so you don't have to snap the band.

Anyways, I was married for 24 years and it all seemed to end suddenly. Within a month of her leaving, I had sold my house, closed my business, and moved 125 miles away to take a new job away from all of my friends. To say my world had blown up is an understatement. It took me months to get my head on right. As my own fog slowly lifted, I began to realize that I had been deeply unhappy for many years before she left. That my memory of marital bliss hadn't really been true. The bliss part was what I imagined our life could have been if only she (insert expectation). My unhappiness was a result of my own unfulfilled expectations.
The reality is that she wasn't willing or capable of meeting my expectations. It wasn't because my expectations were so far fetched, it was just that she had become a different person than I had wanted. I am not blaming her, and I am not blaming me. We were just two people living our lives. Lives, which had intersected and ran side by side for years, but which later diverged into separate directions.
It took me a while to realize that. I also had to realize that nobody is coming to rescue me. No matter how much I cried. No matter how sad I got. No one could really do anything about it. So I took it upon myself to better myself.
That is what you must do for yourself. Learn your lesson from what happened and become a better you.
It has been over 3.5 years. I had lost everything. Now I have my own house, I have my business back. I have total control of my resources. I can plan my future based on what I want and not on the basis of someone else's expectations. Life does get better, if you want it to. But ultimately it is up to you to want it to.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're going to be okay Daftpunk. 

One foot in front of the other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Daftpunk said:


> It’s beyond my comprehension that in 2 weeks she hasn’t tried to contact me to apologise or even acknowledge it’s happening. I haven’t heard a word. I think she must be pretty evil and that’s hard to accept.


Typically, when a woman cheats, it's because she's looking for love, not sex. And when she meets someone (or finds an ex) and convinces herself that her 'high' is real love, she typically ENDS her feelings for the person she was with. It has nothing to do with you, it's just a mental process they go through.


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