# Sound the horn, NO MORE PORN!



## Mason77

(Moderators feel free to move this thread, I hope it's in the right section.)

Where to start. Long story short, porn has been a problem for me my whole life. Probably didn't help coming across my old man's stash when I was in elementary school. (And we're not talking Playboy's either. Hell. that would have been educational compared to the crap I found. Even penthouse could be considered tame.) I've always had a high sex drive, and I've masturbated multiple times in a day more often than not. What I wanted to do is create this thread as a way to be somewhat accountable in my vow to ditch the porn & masturbation, fantasy, FOREVER. I'm realistic, I know it's not going to be easy or happen right away, but with some progression, help, prayer, etc. I believe it can be done. 

When my wife and I began dating, our story is much like a lot of others, awesome communication, great sex, etc. But, after a awhile when things started to slow down, the habit of looking at porn came back. She got wise, installed security filters on our home computer, but her sex drive has gone from a 9 to a 1. Mostly my fault, I take the blame on that, plus 1 kid and another on the way has her feeling unsexy no matter what I say or do. In the last year alone I think we've had sex maybe a total of 4 or 5 times, including when she got pregnant. I've complained about the lack of frequency in the past, and looking back I regret every second of it. 

Where we are in our marriage is a sticky place at the moment, with her pregnancy hormones out of control, up to our necks in debt, etc. We don't have the funds to go to a good marriage counsellor, and honestly right now I don't even want to try until after the baby is here and I have a fighting chance at not being so broke. My wife and I really do get along most of the time and we are great friends, it just seems I've done damage over the years to extinguish whatever spark we once had. 

I'm normally a very optimistic person, and rather than lose my cool about this or get depressed, I simply want to stop the bad choices and destructive desires and not make anything worse. As bad as it may seem, even if our marriage were to stop including sex altogether, it could be a million times worse. I just want to fix what I can on my end and take it from there.

Sorry if it seems like I am rambling on & on. As an example of the small steps I have been taking, the month of May I couldn't go one stinking day without masturbation. Not one damn day. That's why I posted this thread in this forum, because I believe it is an addiction. June I was able to go 5 days in the month total, never more that 48 hours without slipping up. July got better, had 10 good days in the month vs. 21 bad ones. So far in August I'm 9 days total, and I even had 72 hours straight last week! I just want to keep up the progress I've made and keep building on it. Gave into temptation yeasterday, but today I'm drawing the line. This far, no further.

I guess just keep me in any prayers you might have, because at this point, that's all I can afford. Thanks =)


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## Mommybean

Good luck! I think its great that you realize you have a problem, and are willing to work on it. As far as counseling, have you checked with your local university? A lot of times, they have intern therapists that work with their family centers...they are grad students working supervised under licensed therapists to fulfill their degree requirements. Most operate on a sliding fee scale, often down to $5 or less per ssession. My H has used them and had great results. Might be an option if you have a University in your area.


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## Ingrid

It sounds like you have a very strong sex drive. That in itself is not a problem. The problem is, right now, you can't use your sex drive to create a closer bond with your wife. 

It's normal for guys to need a release. Masturbation is not bad! But in my opinion, what isn't so great is to depend upon porn for that release. Then there becomes an addiction to the porn. And then the wife will not be able to "do it" for you anymore. And then you lose that wonderful opportunity for bonding through sex.

However. Wife will not be able to bond or even desire sex without other emotional closeness. She needs to feel sexy and yeah I know being pregnant, it's hard for some women to feel sexy then. 

I recommend trying to increase non-sexual affection if that has decreased in frequency. Affection that won't in any way lead to sex. And if you still are using porn, try cutting that out and possibly fantasizing about your wife instead during release...

Does she know about the porn? It can really damage a marriage, it's like booze; a little is not a problem but it can get out of hand (pun unintended) quickly.


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## Mason77

Thanks for the support everybody. 

Mommybean- Great idea concerning the university, I thought about that before though and the closest is a couple of community colleges in the area that do not offer that free or cheap option. We do have universities within a two hour drive or so, but my wife is 100% opposed to anyone babysitting our child. (Even grandparents.) So yeah. There we go.

Ingrid- The strong sex drive, yeah I guess that's me. Most days I wish it wasn't. She has found the porn in the past, even caught me masturbating on numerous occasions. Even when it's been during her period when I would seriously go bobbing for apples in a tank full of pirrahna's before I would ask her anything even remotely concerning sex, I still got a negative reaction from her and jokes of "whacking it". I feel like crap and pathetic afterwards. With porn, there's nobody making you feel bad afterwards. Which is probably one of the bigger reasons why it was so easy to keep doing it. (I'm not blaming her for that at all, just explaining how I was feeling) This whole situation is still my responsibility.

I've tried doing everything I can non-sexually, to show her that I still care for her and love her. I give her foot rubs every-other day, back & shoulder rubs every couple of days. And I do this making damn-sure I don't come across as trying to do anything sexual. She's receptive and says thank you. And that's good enough for me. I also try to do as much around the house as possible as well, I give our son a bath & help him get ready for bed every day, I try to take him to the park and give her some quiet time for at least an hour every other day, since she's a stay at home mom, i know she needs a break.

About the only thing I don't do more of is cooking, which I will admit, I suck at so bad, she doesn't even let me in the kitchen half the time. I'm trying to cook for my son and I at least, so she's not having to slave of the stove for all three of us all the time. There's area's I can improve no doubt.

themarryblogger- Thanks for the information, I will definitely check those out. I appreciate it.


The good news is that I made it through my first day yesterday MP-Free! Keeping busy was the key and probably will be for awhile. When I'm busy with other things it seems to take my mind off the temptation. After I got home from work we went to the library as a family and came home, had dinner, did the mundane things like clean the house a little, etc. I was afraid that when I worked out last night, it might increase my sex drive a little, but thankfully this was not the case. It has happened before many times, but not yesterday. By the time my son fell asleep last night, I was so tired it took me all of three minutes I think to crash. Hopefully I can step and repeat this for awhile, at least until I get out of this temptation zone.


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## MarkTwain

Mason77 said:


> I've complained about the lack of frequency in the past, and looking back I regret every second of it.


Please explain this sentence more, I could not quite tell what you meant.


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## Mason77

When my wife and I started going out we had sex a lot. I'd like to think I'm realistic and I know that after a couple has been going out awhile that the amount of sex (i.e. how many times, per week, month, etc.) levels off a bit. That's normal. I don't compare how much sex we have now to when we first started going out, but I don't think that even once a week is asking too much. But when it's once every couple months, to me it seems like somethings not right. My mistake was in confronting her about it different times before, and in doing so, putting the blame on her. I complained that I was always the one to initiate being intimate, etc. When we would have fights, she'd always make comments like you never get enough, etc. So yeah, I regret saying it the way I did and making it out to be her fault. One interesting thing is that we have never in our entire time together had "make-up sex" after a fight. I'm beginning to think it's a myth, lol


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## MarkTwain

I am 42 and my wife is 47. We got together 20 years ago. We have been averaging once a day recently due to her getting rather hot lately. It is normally "only" 4 or 5 times a week.

Sex need not decline as much as people think if skill is used. Cutting down solo ejaculations to once or twice a month could be very good for you if you are skilful. If you deny yourself the outlet of self-pleasure, it will put enormous pressure on you to fix you marital sex life. You may find my article useful: Sexless Marriage?


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## Mason77

MarkTwain- Thanks for the link to your article. Although I must confess, it's exactly that kind of mindf**kery that makes me wish I was asexual. 

Some good points and things to think about. If anything, I can print it out and put it in my pocket for the next time I get the urge to masturbate or look at porn. Reading that a few times a day should get me through the week no problem!


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## MarkTwain

Mason77 said:


> Reading that a few times a day should get me through the week no problem!


Men and women need to learn to accept the opposite sex just the way they are. It's not easy, but it pays off in the end. It only took me 19 years to work it out, and I had help, but there's no excuse now with the internet to hand. Forums like this one are invaluable.

But yes, read my article through at least twice more. You think you have understood it but you have not - not fully. Only women understand it on a first reading. Trust me on that one


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## Ingrid

btw, MarkTwain, I read that article a few days ago... and it was spot on. :iagree: I identified one of the major reasons why I lack sexual interest in my hubby is his lack of firmness (personality-wise, hahah!). I don't despise him for it but it does impact my impression of his "masculinity."


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## MarkTwain

Ingrid said:


> btw, MarkTwain, I read that article a few days ago... and it was spot on. :iagree: I identified one of the major reasons why I lack sexual interest in my hubby is his lack of firmness (personality-wise, hahah!). I don't despise him for it but it does impact my impression of his "masculinity."


Yes, this is natural. But in the same way as he should be encouraged to overcome his natural tendency to be spineless, you can encourage yourself to accept him just the way he is, while nurturing him to grow into his full potential.


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## NothingMan

Ingrid said:


> btw, MarkTwain, I read that article a few days ago... and it was spot on. :iagree: I identified one of the major reasons why I lack sexual interest in my hubby is his lack of firmness (personality-wise, hahah!). I don't despise him for it but it does impact my impression of his "masculinity."



Or, you could tell him you think he is a sissy and thats why you dont find him sexually attractive. That will either make him slit his wrists or snap out of it.

I read your article MT. It has only further confirmed that paying strippers and buying hookers is far easier then walking the minefield of a woman's sexual appetite. If I have to make sure 15 things are all ok and then just still hope that she wants sex...I may as well either turn gay or move to vegas. One thing is for sure. Next time around I wont ever get married. Ill just go from one courting process to another. When she wants to get hitched, tell her to pound sand and move on. Seems a HELL of alot easier, to me.




John


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## Mason77

Day 2 SUCKED.

The good news is I did not break and I am 2 days in. I've done better than last month altogether. So that's promising. The temptation yesterday was almost unbearable. I haven't looked at porn online for a while now, (Afraid to do it at work, and won't do it at home anymore either.) but the masturbation is the difficult part. The good news is that I'm beginning to think that the porn part is the easy part to get rid of. I have no problem fantasizing about my wife. I'm going to have to collect my thoughts on the porn aspect of this, but I have no real pull or desire to look at porn right now, just this overwhelming need for sexual release. 

I love my wife to death, but right now we're basically roommates. It sucks. I'm trying to be real understanding about this, because I know she's pregnant, and everything that goes with that is just magnified. Tried to give her a kiss yesterday (No tongue even, just a nice kiss) and before I was even a foot from her face she was complaining about how bad my breath was. You'd think I was Sloth from the Goonies going in for a kiss.  I did floss, brush & use mouthwash before hand too. Guess it didn't matter.

So I tried to go into understanding mode and not take it personally. She has said that when she's pregnant her sense of smell is better than a bloodhound. (I could fart three blocks away and she could tell me.) I didn't get mad, I just said I'm sorry. She continued to watch TV. 

When we had our first child we had sex when he was conceived and then not again (In any way, not just intercourse) until 3-4 months after he was born. So I kind of know what to expect this time around. This pregnancy was planned, as we had always talked about having two. I don't want to out any pressure on her at all, and she gives me no indication that she is interested in being physical at all. So...that's where I am right now. Do my utmost best not to be a selfish jackass. 

Ingrid- I'm just curious, you mentioned your husbands "Lack of firmness" being a reason your not as interested in him sexually. If you don't mind elaborating on that it might help me a little, since I do try to bend over backwards as much as I can for my wife, it has made me wonder if that is somehow interpreted as being a...well...meow.:scratchhead:


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## MarkTwain

Mason77-

Form your last post, I can tell you did not understand a word I wrote in my article. Smart people learn from anyone.


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## MarkTwain

NothingMan said:


> I read your article MT. It has only further confirmed that paying strippers and buying hookers is far easier then walking the minefield of a woman's sexual appetite. If I have to make sure 15 things are all ok and then just still hope that she wants sex...I may as well either turn gay or move to vegas. One thing is for sure. Next time around I wont ever get married. Ill just go from one courting process to another. When she wants to get hitched, tell her to pound sand and move on. Seems a HELL of alot easier, to me.


You are missing the point. In that article, I basically explain that women are sexual beings that simply need a few things to be right to get them hot. The article covered a lot of ground so as to appeal to the widest audience. However, with any one couple, there will only be 2 or 3 paragraphs that apply. 

It is not that hard to get things going right. In fact it's very easy. The reason it seems hard is that society and feminism has trained men to become unappetizing. Once you see what the dynamics are, it all starts to make sense.

You either join TAM to moan, or to use the excellent resources here to improve your marriage.


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## Mason77

Mark,

You state at the beginning of of your article that: "Although I discuss what seem to me to be the reasons, I make little attempt to offer a solution."

You state that I have not understood a single word you have written. Fair enough. Rather than get upset and all bent out of shape about this, I concede my lower comprehension level.

Please enlighten me.


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## MarkTwain

Mason77 said:


> *I love my wife to death*, but right now we're basically roommates. It sucks. I'm trying to be real understanding about this, because I know she's pregnant, and everything that goes with that is just magnified. Tried to give her a kiss yesterday (No tongue even, just a nice kiss) and before I was even a foot from her face she was complaining about how bad my breath was. You'd think I was Sloth from the Goonies going in for a kiss.  I did floss, brush & use mouthwash before hand too. Guess it didn't matter.
> 
> So I tried to go into understanding mode and not take it personally. She has said that when she's pregnant her sense of smell is better than a bloodhound. (I could fart three blocks away and she could tell me.) I didn't get mad,* I just said I'm sorry*. She continued to watch TV.
> 
> When we had our first child we had sex when he was conceived and then not again (In any way, not just intercourse) until 3-4 months after he was born. So I kind of know what to expect this time around. *This pregnancy was planned*, as we had always talked about having two. I don't want to out any pressure on her at all, and she gives me no indication that she is interested in being physical at all. So...that's where I am right now. *Do my utmost best not to be a selfish jackass*.


I have highlighted the problem sentences - that worst ones any way. Please read through what you wrote, it's worth far more than anything I could come up with.

I will explain each highlighted sentence.

1) *I love my wife to death* This is a problem becuase you constantly demonstrate your NEED and desire for her whereas she rejects you, yet you lap it up and come back for more. In this way your relationship is unequal. You need to start valuing yourself more highly than you do, then she will start valuing you more highly. No one will ever value you more highly than you value yourself. If you are not in good shape, that includes working out and keeping fit.

2) * I just said I'm sorry* She rejects you, and your response is to say sorry. You are behaving like a sick dawg. This is simply not attractive.

3) *This pregnancy was planned* So in view of the fact that you knew what she would put you through in terms of sexual frustration, you went back for more punishment - you could have made a deal - no conception without a sex life thereafter. When you make a deal if your bottom line is not met you WALK AWAY. If you could have told her this in a manly way, that alone would have got her hot. 

*Do my utmost best not to be a selfish jackass* There you go apologising for your existence again. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Dude, in coming back to me like this you have shown guts. In publicly trying to work on your porn habit you have show guts and power. Now, all you have to do is realise just how powerful you really are. You have been playing the wimp and it's not fooling anyone. But women don't find it sexually attractive. You have been cheap and available. You need to become expensive and hard to find.

If you want the fast track, read my article again, and work out which bits apply to you. I say "I offer no solution" becuase the only ones who can take advantage of what I have to say are the ones who read my words and SEE the solution. It's all about waking up to yourself and what you are doing. I was the biggest loser in this department, but by a miracle, I began to wake up. You are not far off.


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## Mason77

Now we're getting somewhere. 

1) Physically I'm in very good shape. I exercise at least every other day, Not overweight, etc. In fact she's the one always putting herself down, saying she's a fatass, but then when I suggest we workout together she makes every excuse in the book. I've NEVER put her down for her looks. I know how that feels from when I was younger. As far as valuing myself more, I'm working on that. I'm open to any specific suggestions.

2) You're right about saying I'm sorry. I can see that. What would the proper response be in a situation like that? I can obviously tell she does not want a kiss from her response. If I react in any kind of negative way, letting her know my feelings are hurt, etc. She gets defensive and says that's just the way it is. I ask her nicely what can I do to change the situation for the better. (Trying to stay positive here) Her response: Nothing.

So in this situation, I'm trying to think of what my choices are.

1. I can say I'm sorry for the bad breath politely and move on. (Bad decision apparently)
2. I can show no emotion and pretend it never happened. 
3. I can try to communicate my feelings and frustrations with her. (See above for typical response)
4. I can be a "Jackass" and produce a negative response issuing an ultimatum of sorts.
5. I could stop showing any signs of affection and let her be the one to initiate. (Which I've actually done in sexual terms. It's been over a 100 days now with nothing but a peck on the lips twice a day.)

3.) A nice fantasy, but not reality. I actually did tell her this and gave her an ultimatum before. In a "manly" way of saying more or less. She didn't get hot, let me tell you. She got pissed. REAL PISSED. I really don't have the time to spend all day describing what that was like. "Fine, if you want me to fake it all the time and just lay there, go ahead.", "So it doesn't matter how I feel in any of this? Just spread my legs whenever you feel like it?" etc. Just a couple of examples. And of course we talked it through and a few hours later came to the conclusion that she would try to be better, and I would not be as "demanding". a compromise of sorts. Both attempting to be better for each other. This has happened a few times over the last few years. And gradually it keeps coming back to the same spot. Not overnight, but gradually.

Part of me has come to the conclusion that we are better friends than equal lovers. It's not like we don't get along or are ice cold with each other all the time. 

If we couldn't stand being around each other all the time, it would be easy to just walk and say "I'm done". But that's not the case.


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## MarkTwain

Mason77-

There are a lot of points here:

1) You are too much of a nice guy. Stop it at once. This is by far the most common cause of problems in your sort of relationship these days. Here is the syndrome:

*a)* Your woman is pissed at you for being weak (but you don't always realise that's the reason because they don't say that, they make some complaint about the trash or your bad breath or something like that).* b)* you respond by making amends and kow-towing to her every bleat and whimper. *c)* this makes her respect you less. Rinse and repeat. If you had only realised that it's you display of weakness that's making her angry, you would not have responded with... more weakness.


2) You asked about a specific situation re the kiss and the breath comment. There are only two ways to go with this. a)ignore it.
b) (and this is the magical way to deal with it) make a joke out of it. Say something like "I'm sure the checkout-girl in the 7-11 wouldn't complain". what works really well is if you mention a good looking woman that could just could be hot for you. What women hat above all things is competition. Right now she views you as a lame duck because she knows you are all over her and there is no other eye candy tempting you. The fact is, if you're fit and healthy you are going to be on a lot of women's radar. By putting you down and rejecting you, she ensures that you lack the confidence to even notice you are quite a catch. But here's the thing - she's doing it all with your approval. In fact I would go as far as to say that you're doing it to yourself. She is just a pawn in your game of "how weak can I pretend to be". OK I'm getting a bit deep here. Sorry 


3) I meant you should have refused to impregnate her on her terms. Let her get pissed. Let her have her tantrums.

What you need to do right now is.... NOTHING.

If you can really let the penny drop (in your own mind) about what's been happening and get a handle on it, your whole outlook will change. Your wife will pick that up. She will see that she's on borrowed time treating you like that. If my wife treated me like that... well it would not get to 100 days, I would no longer be at the same address.


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## Ingrid

Mason77 said:


> Day 2 SUCKED.
> Ingrid- I'm just curious, you mentioned your husbands "Lack of firmness" being a reason your not as interested in him sexually. If you don't mind elaborating on that it might help me a little, since I do try to bend over backwards as much as I can for my wife, it has made me wonder if that is somehow interpreted as being a...well...meow.:scratchhead:


Mason I'm probably in a very different situation than you. But basically it's a personality issue. My hubby has a hard time making decisions and sticking to them, ones that needn't even involve me. Yes of course it's important to consult the other person on joint matters. But for every day things he will often back down or act indecisive and it gets tiring after a while. For example if we go out to a restaurant, he might look at the menu and say "I'm trying to decide between the salmon, or the pasta... ? " with a questioning, unsure tone, and then look at me as if he wants me to decide. He wants my "approval" on making even that level decision. Why should I care what he chooses to eat from a restaurant? He's not on any diet. 

Do you see what I mean? So then it becomes hard to feel sexually attracted to him, because, maybe, I feel like his mom. Perhaps I just hit on something important there. 

My situation is a bit different though because my hubby *only* initiates sexually when he's been drinking, and not very often either (we have some other issues to work through). 

And we are just "roommates" too now. It sucks.


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## Atholk

Masturbation is normal. Get over this stupid sense of moral failing if you jerk off.


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## Blanca

MarkTwain said:


> I meant you should have refused to impregnate her on her terms. Let her get pissed. Let her have her tantrums.


:iagree:

im notorious for throwing tantrums when my h doesnt do what i want. i realize now how childish that is, but of course in the moment i feel completely justified.

a couple of things helped me work through my tantrums, the most effective was working on my boundaries and working to stop viewing my H as an object of my happiness.

and my h does stand up to me. he doesnt apologize if he doesnt think he did something wrong. in the beginning this caused huge problems b/c our communication was so poor. there was so many other emotions involved that chaos ensued. but doing boundary workbooks together really helped.


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## Mason77

Mark- I see where your coming from. I'm going to go back and read your article again a couple times later tonight. This has helped. Thank you.

3 Days in now. Starting to Feel better about all of this. I've been putting up with this **** for far to long. I confronted her about the lack of intimacy last night after our son went to bed. Her typical response of "what do you want me to do, spread my legs and fake it for you?" came up again. I saw red for the last time. I simply walked out of the room. An hour later I'm heading for the bedroom she tries to come up and give me a kiss goodnight like nothing happened. Without even batting an eyelash I kept walking right past her, leaving a puzzled look on her face. When she said "hey!" I just through her **** right back at her. "what do you want me to do, pucker up and fake it for you?" Went to sleep and slept like a baby for the first time in weeks.

Yeah. I'm done with this nice guy crap.


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## MarkTwain

Mason77 said:


> Yeah. I'm done with this nice guy crap.


Now we're getting somewhere. First you have to get angry - mostly with yourself - and you probably can't skip that stage. Later on you need to forgive yourself and her, and you certainly can't skip _that _stage.

In the thread below, I talk to *okeydokie* about using the secret weapon - humour. It is *vital* to understand this if you want the fast track. Please read the whole thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/7434-do-men-really-get-bored-their-wives.html

Your pissy come-back to her was an improvement on saying "sorry", a big improvement. But what would be even better would have been to have made it into a funny joke. But you're not at that stage yet. So I would say, the least you say to her, the better. This situation will not be fixed by talk. Not initially. It will be fixed by you awakening to what you are doing. She will sense the change in you, and will immediately start treating you different. And it's all very incremental: You start changing a bit, and she will change a bit. You change some more and she will loosen up even more. Once things start opening up, she will relish the chance to speak to you - but I'm peeping into the future now - a possible future that is. It's up to you.

Let me deal with your worst fears now. Suppose you work on yourself successfully and still no change from her? At that point you can say without any childish emotion - either we address the intimacy together or I'm out the door. And at that point you will have the strength of character to deliver that message with meaning, sincerity and love. But it's highly unlikely you will need to get to that point if you work on valuing yourself more highly. Once you want you, everybody will want you


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## Unit4

Mason77 said:


> Her typical response of "what do you want me to do, spread my legs and fake it for you?" came up again. I saw red for the last time. I simply walked out of the room. An hour later I'm heading for the bedroom she tries to come up and give me a kiss goodnight like nothing happened. Without even batting an eyelash I kept walking right past her, leaving a puzzled look on her face. When she said "hey!" I just through her **** right back at her. "what do you want me to do, pucker up and fake it for you?"


Can I be one of your screaming fans? :smthumbup:


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## NothingMan

That is a great line. I hope you delivered it well 



John


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