# Husband cheated on me before we married



## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Hi so my husband and I have been together since 2014 married for about 10 months and I recently discovered by going through his laptop old messages between him and one of his coworkers. The messages were of him asking for inappropriate pictures and for sexual favors and they had been interacting like this since 2018-2019 up intill he proposed. After he’s stopped talking to her inappropriately but still replies when she reaches out. He’s never once talked to me about this. And the the thing is during the time we’ve been married and engaged it’s been wonderful I’ve never doubted him i trusted him with my whole being. There is no doubt that since we’ve been married that he’s been faithful .There was only one other incident in 2016 were he was talking to another girl and I found out and we broke up for a bit but he was able to talk me intill giving him another chance. Which I did I thought he had proved himself and I began trusting him again. So right now I’m at a dilema because when I found out he was at work I just had a gut feeling and I never ever check his stuff but today I did. And after I packed all my stuff and went to my moms house to process and think about what I want to do. I left him a note and that was it but I’m sure he’s going to come tomorrow and try to explain and have me take him back. But I don’t know what to do. If I do go back I don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again everything’s a big mess and tamiles are involved and I don’t think things will ever be normal. I really do love him he was my first real love and someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’m just so hurt that it was only when we got married he decided he wanted to be 100% committed.

also we’ve been long distance for most of our relationship. We live 2 hours apart. But I went to a college near him to be closer to him (15 minutes away) and that was from 2016-2019 intill we moved in together after we got married


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Find out who this woman is and if she has a hubby. It is the right thing to do to let him know. Your evidence. I would cut him off. He would have to quit that job and then i would go to HR and burn her if there are rules about employee relationships. Was he her supv. or vice versa?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t ever trust someone 100% — especially when they’ve cheated on you. That’s asking for trouble.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a tough one. He will likely get very defensive about why you were looking through his messages. 

Hopefully he is remorseful and wants to make it right. 

You left him a note - did it reveal WHY you left? You tell him what you found? If so, I'd stay dark and wait for him to reach out to you first.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I hope you made copied of everything that you found and sent them someplace he can't get into...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jen1715 said:


> Hi so my husband and I have been together since 2014 married for about 10 months and I recently discovered by going through his laptop old messages between him and one of his coworkers. The messages were of him asking for inappropriate pictures and for sexual favors and they had been interacting like this since 2018-2019 up intill he proposed. After he’s stopped talking to her inappropriately but still replies when she reaches out. He’s never once talked to me about this. And the the thing is during the time we’ve been married and engaged it’s been wonderful I’ve never doubted him i trusted him with my whole being. There is no doubt that since we’ve been married that he’s been faithful .There was only one other incident in 2016 were he was talking to another girl and I found out and we broke up for a bit but he was able to talk me intill giving him another chance. Which I did I thought he had proved himself and I began trusting him again. So right now I’m at a dilema because when I found out he was at work I just had a gut feeling and I never ever check his stuff but today I did. And after I packed all my stuff and went to my moms house to process and think about what I want to do. I left him a note and that was it but I’m sure he’s going to come tomorrow and try to explain and have me take him back. But I don’t know what to do. If I do go back I don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again everything’s a big mess and tamiles are involved and I don’t think things will ever be normal. I really do love him he was my first real love and someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’m just so hurt that it was only when we got married he decided he wanted to be 100% committed.
> 
> also we’ve been long distance for most of our relationship. We live 2 hours apart. But I went to a college near him to be closer to him (15 minutes away) and that was from 2016-2019 intill we moved in together after we got married



So he cheated on you twice, that you know of?

If you don't have kids run like your life depended on it because it does. This man will destroy your life. 

The problem is his nature. He is a cheater, it's like being a drug addict. It will happen over and over. Once you have kids you will be stuck with him forever. 

Loving someone without character becomes like a jail sentence. 

I can not impress upon you enough, leave this guy. You will have a much better life.

Don't believe me. 

Post on this board - 

"Did anyone stay with a cheater, how did it go?" 

Go on any infidelity site and post -

"I don't have kids but I am thinking of staying with my husband who cheated on me ."

See what people say.

I bet 95% of the people will say they wish they had left. 

I know that is harsh but unless the dude is a unicorn it's the best advice. It's two years of pain or a lifetime, where you very well might have to leave anyway but with kids so you will never truly get away. You look young and pretty in that picture if that is you, you will have options. Being married to a chronic cheater is a very hard and unrewarding life.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

sokillme said:


> So he cheated on you twice, that you know of?
> 
> If you don't have kids run like your life depended on it because it does. This man will destroy your life.
> 
> ...


Not necessarily true. I have cheated a couple times in the beginning of our marriage, but wouldn't dream of doing it again; that was over 14 years ago. Relationships evolve, people grow, maturity sets in, kids happen, whatever it is, cheaters don't always keep cheating. I wouldn't put all cheaters in a vacuum because of one's experience.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Find out who this woman is and if she has a hubby. It is the right thing to do to let him know. Your evidence. I would cut him off. He would have to quit that job and then i would go to HR and burn her if there are rules about employee relationships. Was he her supv. or vice versa?


 He no longer works at that job he found a new one right after he had proposed due to his old job being a temporary position. But he was her manager and she’s about 10 years older with kids no husband.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> This is a tough one. He will likely get very defensive about why you were looking through his messages.
> 
> Hopefully he is remorseful and wants to make it right.
> 
> You left him a note - did it reveal WHY you left? You tell him what you found? If so, I'd stay dark and wait for him to reach out to you first.


 He did get defensive but he was honestly so desperate for me to come back he didn’t care he did admit to everything. Oh he’s remorseful he drove 2 hours skipped out on work to come talk to me (I was ignoring his calls and messages) and was in tears a huge mess and he kept saying he was sorry and to come home but after I decided I needed more days to be apart to think and process.
Yeah the note just said what I found on his laptop and that I was going to my moms for a while and that was it.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> This is a tough one. He will likely get very defensive about why you were looking through his messages.
> 
> Hopefully he is remorseful and wants to make it right.
> 
> You left him a note - did it reveal WHY you left? You tell him what you found? If so, I'd stay dark and wait for him to reach out to you first.


 He did get defensive but he was honestly so desperate for me to come back he didn’t care he did admit to everything. Oh he’s remorseful he drove 2 hours skipped out on work to come talk to me (I was ignoring his calls and messages) and was in tears a huge mess and he kept saying he was sorry and to come home but after I decided I needed more days to be apart to think and process.
Yeah the note just said what I found on his laptop and that I was going to my moms for a while and that was it up. 


Jen1715 said:


> He did get defensive but he was honestly so desperate for me to come back he didn’t care he did admit to everything. Oh he’s remorseful he drove 2 hours skipped out on work to come talk to me (I was ignoring his calls and messages) and was in tears a huge mess and he kept saying he was sorry and to come home but after I decided I needed more days to be apart to think and process.
> Yeah the note just said what I found on his laptop and that I was going to my moms for a while and that was it.





Jen1715 said:


> He no longer works at that job he found a new one right after he had proposed due to his old job being a temporary position. But he was her manager and she’s about 10 years older with kids no husband.


But he said he was talking


Mybabysgotit said:


> Not necessarily true. I have cheated a couple times in the beginning of our marriage, but wouldn't dream of doing it again; that was over 14 years ago. Relationships evolve, people grow, maturity sets in, kids happen, whatever it is, cheaters don't always keep cheating. I wouldn't put all cheaters in a vacuum because of one's experience.



this is what holds me back because the first time he cheated we were basically kids our parents didn’t want us together but we were so infatuated with one another it felt like nothing could keep us apart. We lost our virginity’s to one another and we’re each others first real relationship. So I am planning on going back and see how these months go but I’m not going to be the same anymore I’ve given up so much for him and I’m tired of not getting anything in return so I’m just going to work on myself get more and not be so focused on making sure I’m the perfect person for him


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I hope you made copied of everything that you found and sent them someplace he can't get into...


Oh yes I took pictures of everything and sent them to my email.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

sokillme said:


> So he cheated on you twice, that you know of?
> 
> If you don't have kids run like your life depended on it because it does. This man will destroy your life.
> 
> ...


 yes!! This is what I’m so thankful is that we haven’t had kids I’m planning on getting some sort of birth control because I know that he might try to get my pregnant in order to stay even though we do use condoms I don’t even want to risk the chance of they happening. And it’s very true I am young, I haven’t really even experienced my life it’s mostly been all with him so I am going back home but I’m only doing it to have time to get more independent build up my credit, start my career, and basically have myself ready to leave him and be okay on my own. Because I’ve been so dependent on him that I if I leave now I don’t have anything to support myself with. The car everything is under his name. So I’m basically going to just take advantage of the situation for now and build myself up to leave him within the year. I have my families full support on this. I’m just tired of trying to mold myself into his perfect picture when deep inside I’m not that person. We have no many different beliefs and viewpoints on life but I don’t speak up for what I believe I just go along to please him. So I need to do what’s best for me


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Jen1715 said:


> yes!! This is what I’m so thankful is that we haven’t had kids I’m planning on getting some sort of birth control because I know that he might try to get my pregnant in order to stay even though we do use condoms I don’t even want to risk the chance of they happening. And it’s very true I am young, I haven’t really even experienced my life it’s mostly been all with him so I am going back home but I’m only doing it to have time to get more independent build up my credit, start my career, and basically have myself ready to leave him and be okay on my own. Because I’ve been so dependent on him that I if I leave now I don’t have anything to support myself with. The car everything is under his name. So I’m basically going to just take advantage of the situation for now and build myself up to leave him within the year. I have my families full support on this. I’m just tired of trying to mold myself into his perfect picture when deep inside I’m not that person. We have no many different beliefs and viewpoints on life but I don’t speak up for what I believe I just go along to please him. So I need to do what’s best for me


 And I would just stay home but I don’t want to go back to that environment. I love my family but I don’t have any space for myself in that house I would end up sharing a room again with my two siblings, sleeping on a twin bed with my sister and having absolutely no space for any of my things. And my hometown offers very little opportunities for work or school and with my husband there’s so much more opportunities job wise so might as well take advantage right now


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, if you’re planning on having sex with him during this transition time just be aware that no birth control 100% prevents pregnancy. It’s obviously always the risk you take when you have sex.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm possibly going to be roasted for saying this, but I want to be sure I have this timeline correct:

2014 --You two started "dating"--you were very young, first real relationship, virgins
2016-- He talks to another girl, you find out and break up, he patches it up
2018-- He starts chatting with this girl you just found out about, asking her for nudie shots
2019-- You two move in together, he proposes AND STOPS TALKING TO HER, quits his job, is 100% faithful
2020-- You two get married. 

2014-2019 You two are long-distance and live 2 hours apart

So all that time, he was single. Yes, he was dating you, and you may have spoken about exclusivity or whatnot, but you weren't married. Aren't single guys allowed to see whomever they want, whenever they want? Once you put a ring on it--THEN you stop squirreling around but before the ring, anything goes. 

To me, it sounds like you two dated, you lived far away for years, he saw a couple people at the same time, and after he got serious, you two moved in--got engaged--he stopped talking to her and got a new job--you two got married. I don't see the problem.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> I'm possibly going to be roasted for saying this, but I want to be sure I have this timeline correct:
> 
> 2014 --You two started "dating"--you were very young, first real relationship, virgins
> 2016-- He talks to another girl, you find out and break up, he patches it up
> ...



Okay I see this side too! So what would you suggest doing ? How do I know 100% he won’t do this again? Do I forgive and move on? And I don’t agree that anything goes when your not married. We’ve been in a serious relationship it wasn’t on and off . We both agreed to not see other people. We weren’t constantly fighting or arguing. We talked about marriage and our future together during this time but he was still in his mind “curious” (as he put it) so it just shows he’s really good at lying because I went two years without suspecting a thing. And now it’s worse because we got married it’s so much more complicated now and there’s no simple solution. I get the curiosity of wanting to be with another person but I really hate cheaters it wasn’t a “mistake” it was a choice. He wasn’t drunk or under the influence of drugs (not that that’s an excuse) he was in his sane mind at WORK and still did what he did.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you’re thinking that you don’t like him, don’t love him, aren’t compatible with him, aren’t yourself around him——- and intend on staying with him and using him until you can divorce him????

And this seems ok to you?

Seems pretty heartless and cold to me.

Btw, what he did was wrong if you were dating and exclusive and he was banging a lady at work. He’s been 100% faithful since you’ve been married? Well that’s saying something. 
There’s no way to be 100% sure you won’t be cheated on. Nobody has that luxury. You sound as if you’ve made your mind up though. You should tell him that. I believe the man you made vows to, and he has NOT broken his vows apparently, has a right to know that you intend to divorce him when you’re financially able.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you were in an exclusive relationship then, and not dating others, then I consider what he did to be serious. I don’t believe that cheating only occurs after you’re married.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Not necessarily true. I have cheated a couple times in the beginning of our marriage, but wouldn't dream of doing it again; that was over 14 years ago. Relationships evolve, people grow, maturity sets in, kids happen, whatever it is, cheaters don't always keep cheating. I wouldn't put all cheaters in a vacuum because of one's experience.


Does your spouse know?

Kids grow up, life gets boring, cheaters cheat.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you’re thinking that you don’t like him, don’t love him, aren’t compatible with him, aren’t yourself around him——- and intend on staying with him and using him until you can divorce him????
> 
> And this seems ok to you?
> 
> ...


Was it heartless and cold of him to play the field after he promised exclusivity and put her health at risk? Was it heartless and cold of him to take away her agency in deciding if he was marriage material? Was it heartless and cold of him to abuse his authority and take advantage of an older subordinate? Was it heartless and cold of him to keep the evidence she found as a trophy?

Nah, he doesn't get my sympathy. Take him for all you can get.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jen1715 said:


> yes!! This is what I’m so thankful is that we haven’t had kids I’m planning on getting some sort of birth control because I know that he might try to get my pregnant in order to stay even though we do use condoms I don’t even want to risk the chance of they happening. And it’s very true I am young, I haven’t really even experienced my life it’s mostly been all with him so I am going back home but I’m only doing it to have time to get more independent build up my credit, start my career, and basically have myself ready to leave him and be okay on my own. Because I’ve been so dependent on him that I if I leave now I don’t have anything to support myself with. The car everything is under his name. *So I’m basically going to just take advantage of the situation for now and build myself up to leave him within the year. *I have my families full support on this. I’m just tired of trying to mold myself into his perfect picture when deep inside I’m not that person. We have no many different beliefs and viewpoints on life but I don’t speak up for what I believe I just go along to please him. *So I need to do what’s best for me*


So aren’t you doing exactly what he was doing when he cheated on you before you were married, except he did the cheating before vows, you’re doing this AFTER. 
The guy cheated on you before he made a commitment to you. You have EVIDENCE that he cheated, and you have EVIDENCE that once he married you, he has been faithful.

What is the point of marriage vows if they don’t mean anything?

I do agree you should get a divorce. yiu have found he wasn’t faithful before, and past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Also, you feel you “haven’t really even experienced my life it’s mostly been all with him”. Apparently you feel he has somehow taken something from you.
And, “I’m just tired of trying to mold myself into his perfect picture when deep inside I’m not that person. We have no many different beliefs and viewpoints on life but I don’t speak up for what I believe I just go along to please him.”
That is indeed no way to feel. You definitely should divorce. 
why did you hide yourself from him?

It seems to me you are both guilty of hiding a lot from one another.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

OK so I get that he was asking for pictures and asking for favors (mind if I ask what these 'favors' were? It does make a difference depending on what your interpretation of what a favor is) 

Do you have any evidence of him actually meeting up with someone in the real world or actually having any kind of physical contact with someone? 

Also what was the explicit, mutually agreed upon status of your relationship at the time of his emails with this 10 years older woman? 

Did you two lick your pinkies and pinky swear to not have any kind of emotionally/romantically/sexually oriented interaction of any kind with any other people during this period?? 

Or was it an implicit assumption since you were having lots of meaningful texts, skypes, phone calls and weekend get togethers? 

The devil is in the details here and small nuances do matter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> OK so I get that he was asking for pictures and asking for favors (mind if I ask what these 'favors' were? It does make a difference depending on what your interpretation of what a favor is)
> 
> Do you have any evidence of him actually meeting up with someone in the real world or actually having any kind of physical contact with someone?
> 
> ...



I'm going to try to explain where I am going with this. 

The real world is not a neat and tidy and immaculate place all the time. It can be wonderful and beautiful. But more often than not it is shades of gray and even the best days will eventually cloud over and storm clouds will roll in. But even storm clouds give way to sunshine eventually and even the darkest night won't last forever (yes that is from an old Alan Parson's song but it is true nonetheless)

Life will have bright and sunny days, as well as dark and stormy nights. The nicest person you have ever met has done some crappy things, and the most evil, serial killer has done some nice things. 

All relationships will have bumps in the road and will go through storms and detours and times that the bridge is washed out. 

What this is going to come down to is his baseline character. Is he a cheater who pinky-swore to you to be 100% faithful while you were dating and here was making an honest effort to get in the pants of some 10 years older woman with children and was planning on scoring with her while keeping you as the dutiful, unknowing little wifey at home cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids while lives it up in another woman's bed?

Or was he a normal young and dumb guy with a long distance honey and he was having some inappropriate but yet not necessarily purposeful banter with some older gal that he didn't really see as a threat and she was just enjoying the attention of a young, single man but neither had any real intentions of actually hooking up and getting down. 

Those things really shouldn't take place............. but they do millions of times a day all across America. It's the world we live in today. It's a reality and it is something we either learn to manage and learn to control ourselves and live with - or we get some off-grid, unibomber cabin in the northwoods and fertilize our garden with our own poop. 

I don't have the answer to this as I don't know what was going on in his heart and mind at the time. But you are going to have to make an adult decision on whether you believe in your heart of hearts that his character is that of a manipulator and cheater? Or a young, dumb and full of cum guy that got a little carried away emailing some woman with children old enough to be his aunt but had no real intentions of hooking up with her nor she with him?

cont...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And I am also going to say that how much of an EXPLICIT agreement did you two have on exclusivity at the time in question?

I am not trying to play relationship lawyer here and pull loopholes out of my butt. This is kind of a key point. 

Did you have a mutually agreed upon pinky swear of exclusivity at the time of his exchanges with this other woman? Or was it mainly implied and assumed?

Here is why this is an important point. Dating is at it's core an interview and tryout process and a probationary time. It is spending time with someone and getting to know them to see if you each fit the bill for what each of you is looking for. 
It's like a job interview to see if the job and the candidate are the right fit for each other or not. As will any probationary period, either party can say it's not for them and walk away. 

(Drum roll, key point coming up here)- By it's very nature, it is a non-committal format. It is an interview and probationary period so there is no commitment. People make a whole lot of assumptions and presumptions and implicit ideas, but the cold, hard facts are dating by it's nature is noncommittal. 

Now I'm going to back up a step and discuss the significance of the Pinky Swear. If you each had an explicit, mutually agreed upon exclusivity agreement and he broke the terms of that agreement - that is certainly a ding on him. It would be the equivalent of knowingly breaking a company policy during the probationary period of a new job. 

Are you staying with me and following me so far?

HOWEVER -

If no such Pinky Swear agreement of exclusivity agreement exists during the dating process,,,,,,,,,,, let's just say the waters get quite a bit more murky. 

In days of yore, the engagement was the formal agreement. The engagement was when the man got down on bended knee, made the proposal of a life together and the woman either accepted or denied. 

There are actual laws and legal processes that kick in when a couple becomes engaged and a tons of laws and legal processes when a couple marries. 

In the dating/interview/tryout/probationary process?? It's kind of the wild west and you're on your own to a degree. 


cont.....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now if you read through my thousands of posts you will see that I am one of the first to advise to kick a cheater to the curb. 

But I think there is cause for further study here and I think this might be one of those shades of gray of the real world here. 

It's going to come down to character. Is he skamp and a cheater and a boar? Or is he kind of a dumbass that got kind of inappropriate with some gal he wasn't actually purposeful with and thought he'd get a few ego strokes with no harm done? 

I don't have the answer to that because I don't have all the facts. I can see it going either way. 

My recommendation at this point is professional MC. I think it has been enough of a blow that it may take some professional assessment and treatment to either get back to a functioning marriage or to call it quits and divorce. I don't think there is enough information to make a clean decision either way at the moment. 

With the info provided thus far, I don't think there is enough to throw in the towel and walk away with a clean slate and not wonder if it could have been saved. 

But nor do I think there is enough to say this was just a bump in the road and that it shall pass and to blindly trust and go back in head first either. 

This needs someone with more training and education in such matters than strangers on the internet to peel back all these layers and get to the reality.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jen1715 said:


> yes!! This is what I’m so thankful is that we haven’t had kids I’m planning on getting some sort of birth control because I know that he might try to get my pregnant in order to stay even though we do use condoms I don’t even want to risk the chance of they happening. And it’s very true I am young, I haven’t really even experienced my life it’s mostly been all with him so I am going back home but I’m only doing it to have time to get more independent build up my credit, start my career, and basically have myself ready to leave him and be okay on my own. Because I’ve been so dependent on him that I if I leave now I don’t have anything to support myself with. The car everything is under his name. So I’m basically going to just take advantage of the situation for now and build myself up to leave him within the year. I have my families full support on this. I’m just tired of trying to mold myself into his perfect picture when deep inside I’m not that person. We have no many different beliefs and viewpoints on life but I don’t speak up for what I believe I just go along to please him. So I need to do what’s best for me


I am kind of with @Evinrude58 above on this. 

He may have been inappropriate at best in the past or even conspiring to cheat, and at worst may have actually hooked up with someone in the past. 

But what you are describing above is an actual intention of remaining in the marriage to create conditions more favorable to you leaving the marriage. And you also seem to kind of be coming clean that you are not the person you were presenting yourself to be going into the marriage. 

I'm not point fingers and I get what you are saying and I do believe it is always in everyone's best interests to be an independent, self-supporting adult. And for God's sake I certainly do not think you should be getting pregnant or having kids at this time!! 

But i also see this as you being disengenuous to him and to the marriage if you are using the marriage to support yourself to ultimately leave the marriage. I believe in an all0in/all-out philosophy. Either you are committed to the marriage or you are committed to the divorce. 

But at this stage, it is understandable and OK to be undecided. I think you should openly state you are undecided until you can gather more facts and determine which is going to be the best course of action for you. 

I think staying with family for the time being while you sort this out is wise. I think it is wise to open and honest that you are undecided on what to do. My recommendation is professional marriage counseling and perhaps some individual counseling on your own until you get your own feelings and facts sorted out. 

But I think using him and using the marriage to prepare yourself to leave him and leave the marriage is just as unfaithful if not more so than him asking some middle age woman for booby pictures years ago when single.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> OK so I get that he was asking for pictures and asking for favors (mind if I ask what these 'favors' were? It does make a difference depending on what your interpretation of what a favor is)
> 
> Do you have any evidence of him actually meeting up with someone in the real world or actually having any kind of physical contact with someone?
> 
> ...


Okay so by favors I mean giving him a blow job saying she “owes” him because he’s already showed her his


oldshirt said:


> OK so I get that he was asking for pictures and asking for favors (mind if I ask what these 'favors' were? It does make a difference depending on what your interpretation of what a favor is)
> 
> Do you have any evidence of him actually meeting up with someone in the real world or actually having any kind of physical contact with someone?
> 
> ...


 okay so what I mean by favors is him asking for a blow job because she “owes” him. Since he showed her his d**** at work. And it wasn’t her being the persistent one it was him that was asking when she was going to do it. Trying to set a time where they could go and mess around. Mind you they work around children all day long (boys and girls club) he would also specially say this “this stays just between us” as well as we could stay late after work but to make sure the janitor doesn’t show up! Just things like that and when we spoke about it I asked if they did anything more and he said all she did was grab it from over his shorts with the back of her hand. Yet he said they were never alone and they never went through with meeting up and doing more. So where were they when she was touching him? In front of the kids?! Lol idk this whole thing is just a mess

And yes it was literally promises verbal promises to one another that we wouldn’t see other people only each other. It was agreed that we would BOTH only be committed to one another. It wasn’t just me being wanting exclusivity it was him too and I was the only one that kept that promise. I wasn’t controlling , i never told him he couldn’t have friends that women, I wasn’t checking his phone or messages I just simply wanted to be treated with respect the same way I treated him.


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Now if you read through my thousands of posts you will see that I am one of the first to advise to kick a cheater to the curb.
> 
> But I think there is cause for further study here and I think this might be one of those shades of gray of the real world here.
> 
> ...


 Yeah I agree with you I told him if he really wants to work this out he has to agree to go to marriage counseling. Because I know it’s something we can’t fix on our own. I need a professional to mediate and get to the core of the problems .


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## Jen1715 (Oct 29, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I am kind of with @Evinrude58 above on this.
> 
> He may have been inappropriate at best in the past or even conspiring to cheat, and at worst may have actually hooked up with someone in the past.
> 
> ...


Okay okay to be honest this was just pure anger and devastation talking. I just wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt me. But deep down I’m not that person. I’ve been staying at my moms for a couple days and today i go back. I didn’t agree that everything was going to be normal when I go back but I’m just going to see what happens next and take it one day at a time. But i don’t take back what I said about being independent I do need to focus more on myself and do things more for me. I’ve spent to many years giving my all to him and I just need to step away and learn to listen to my needs too. And maybe this stems from abandonment issues from childhood that I became such a people pleaser and feel everyone’s else’s feelings too deeply that I only care about making them feel better or fix what’s wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jen1715 said:


> Okay so by favors I mean giving him a blow job saying she “owes” him because he’s already showed her his
> 
> okay so what I mean by favors is him asking for a blow job because she “owes” him. Since he showed her his d**** at work. And it wasn’t her being the persistent one it was him that was asking when she was going to do it. Trying to set a time where they could go and mess around. Mind you they work around children all day long (boys and girls club) he would also specially say this “this stays just between us” as well as we could stay late after work but to make sure the janitor doesn’t show up! Just things like that and when we spoke about it I asked if they did anything more and he said all she did was grab it from over his shorts with the back of her hand. Yet he said they were never alone and they never went through with meeting up and doing more. So where were they when she was touching him? In front of the kids?! Lol idk this whole thing is just a mess
> 
> And yes it was literally promises verbal promises to one another that we wouldn’t see other people only each other. It was agreed that we would BOTH only be committed to one another. It wasn’t just me being wanting exclusivity it was him too and I was the only one that kept that promise. I wasn’t controlling , i never told him he couldn’t have friends that women, I wasn’t checking his phone or messages I just simply wanted to be treated with respect the same way I treated him.


OK that adds important examples to the story. 

I'm going to go back to my job interview/tryout/probationary analogy. 

If the job opening was for a faithful, sexually exclusive marriage and he knowingly violated a company policy during his probationary period...... what would the likely outcome be??

Unfortunately you didn't find out about until after marriage, but now you know. 

This is just me and my humble opinion but I think what you described above is a character issue. He may have polished himself up since you have married and moved in together and he may have even been satisfied with not trying to get middle age women to give him BJs.......at least for now. 

But what is he going to be like years from now when all the newness and new relationship energy (NRE) has worn off and most of your time and energies are spent changing diapers and cleaning up puke and you have stretchmarks and no libido after chasing kids all day - what is he going to do then? 

This is my own bias, but I don't believe in LDRs and I don't believe in people marrying young with their first and only. 

I think if you had had more experience dating and more life-experience and I think if you had been around him on a much more consistent basis, you would have noticed much earlier in the relationship that he was the kind of guy that tries to get middle age women to blow him with kids around. 

When you are in a LDR and your contact with the other person is via well edited and scripted txts and skypes and phone calls, it is much easier to portray yourself as someone you are not. It sounds like you have both done this. 

I think it is time for the smoke screens and false personas to come down and each of you face who you really are and each of you face who the other really is. I think you would need professional guidance to do that. 

From there you can decide which course of action will be best for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jen1715 said:


> Okay okay to be honest this was just pure anger and devastation talking. I just wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt me. But deep down I’m not that person. I’ve been staying at my moms for a couple days and today i go back. I didn’t agree that everything was going to be normal when I go back but I’m just going to see what happens next and take it one day at a time. But i don’t take back what I said about being independent I do need to focus more on myself and do things more for me. I’ve spent to many years giving my all to him and I just need to step away and learn to listen to my needs too. And maybe this stems from abandonment issues from childhood that I became such a people pleaser and feel everyone’s else’s feelings too deeply that I only care about making them feel better or fix what’s wrong.


Like I said above, I think it is actually important to be open that you are undecided about your future together and if you want to remain in this marriage or not. It is honest and it is fair. That is the price cheaters pay. 

I also think it is very wise to become as self-supportive and independent as possible. If I was ruler of the world, the only people that would be able to get married or produce offspring would be completely independent, self-supporting adults to begin with - and then remain so during the course of the marriage. I'm with you on that. 

I also think it is time for you to grow some ovaries and do what's best for you and to give your wants and needs at least as much priority and effort as anyone else's. We learn to be people-pleasers as children because we rely on others for our basic survival needs. We kind of instinctively know that if our care givers/providers abandon us, we die. There for we learn to try to please them and 'be good.' 

As an adult, our focus needs to shift from pleasing others so we can stay out of the elements and get fed another day to being able to shelter and feed ourselves so we don't have to please those that would otherwise leave us to survive. 

My concern was not you becoming independent. You need to do that regardless if you stay married or not. My issue is you made it sound like you would use your H's desire to remain together as a means to support yourself to get to where you are financially stable enough to leave him. That IMHO is just as unfaithful and disingenuous to the marriage as him trying to score years ago when single.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Past behavior is the most accurate indicator of future behavior. You know that he was ok with intentionally misleading you and had you known what he was doing at the time, you very likely would not have married him.

The only reason a person would stay with someone that does this is a lack of self-respect / confidence. If you provide faithful truthfulness to a partner you are with, you deserve the same.

You don't have kids yet. You should consider yourself very lucky that you found this out and end the relationship immediately.


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## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Hi! I read your post and I am in a very similar situation. I recently found out that my fiance had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge it stopped as soon as we moved in together. Still, I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I wanted to reach out to see how things are going for you now and if you have any advice.

We were also long distance for a period.. timeline looks like this..

2014: started dating (same city)
2016-2019: he moved away for work, so we did long distance and saw each other once a month
2018-2019: he was getting nude pics from the girl on and off - he says "maybe once a year, when she reached out".. who knows if that's really true..
2020: closed the distance and moved in together
2021: I found out that he had had sex with this girl before we were in a relationship from a mutual friend, I looked into his social media and found that he had a recent chat with her (kinda flirty, but not sexual and wouldn't have crossed any boundaries). I confronted him about it and told him it was an issue that he was still talking to her after hiding that they had had sex in the past. It was a big problem for me, and he agreed and blocked her on his social media.
2022: he proposed, all was great, then I snooped into his hard drive and found that he had photos of her back from 2018-2019 - then he admitted the rest and blamed it on the long distance being difficult..


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

NN2022 said:


> Hi! I read your post and I am in a very similar situation. I recently found out that my fiance had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge it stopped as soon as we moved in together. Still, I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I wanted to reach out to see how things are going for you now and if you have any advice.
> 
> We were also long distance for a period.. timeline looks like this..
> 
> ...


This thread was over 2 yrs ago.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Matt? Zombie Cat?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I agree. Heartless and cold- no. The guy cheated on her when they had agreed to exclusivity. She should divorce him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jen1715 said:


> He did get defensive but he was honestly so desperate for me to come back he didn’t care he did admit to everything. Oh he’s remorseful he drove 2 hours skipped out on work to come talk to me (I was ignoring his calls and messages) and was in tears a huge mess and he kept saying he was sorry and to come home but after I decided I needed more days to be apart to think and process.
> Yeah the note just said what I found on his laptop and that I was going to my moms for a while and that was it.


Please trust me when I tell you that they are nearly always sorry and crying and that's because they got caught. There are some who will instead just try to gaslight you into thinking somehow your fault of course. 

I don't see how you're ever going to trust him again so I don't see why you'd want to stay married and have kids. 

You love him but he doesn't even respect you. If you love someone, the very last thing you want to do is something that would hurt that person. Actions speak far louder than words.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Would be nice to hear what she ended up doing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread locked.


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