# Endless cycle of wifes affair.. please read need input



## jarhead

So i want to try and be as simple as possible to start and any questions i can answer along the way. For atleast almost two yearrs my wife has carried on an affair without truly hiding it. i know all about it and doesnt do anything to hide it now for atleast a year. she says i was to distant, never put enough into the family as far as planning things for us to do, taking control and involving my family that is very upset with her about her choice. they have yelled and argued with her and her back about her choice and said hurtful things. I did not stand up and stop the arguments other than try to civilize them so it was not yelling and screaming.( she is angry i wouldnt defend her or step in). Also that i dont show enough of affection( hugs, telling ehr she is beautiful, doing things out of blue for her) i have attempted to show all the love i can, be there for her as much as possible. She has said she stopped seeing and barely talking to him for lengths of times but i havent trully noticed it or felt i could belive it. I have done some things that were wrong and very bad and ive appoligized for my wrongs. 

She still says she wants me and shows it with gestures and words and actions of thinging of me first and so on. But things like saying shes thinking of me and showing her love by calling me when she is with him and infront of him or thinking about my wants while she is with him(found a truck i would really want while out with him and called to tell me about it) should show her love and how she puts me first. I was not attentive to her talking and didnt seem to care she said which i cared but didnt really care to listen because i was upset about where she was and who she was with. 

Last thing she will have him over and sleep with him in our home in our bed and not hide it. 

I am lost in my feelings because i cant attempt to show full love and caring with that going on and unless i show her i do care and love her fully for a long time to show it wont fade like it does time and time again (because i can only push so hard for so long and this still going on) she wont stop and cant because he cares and makes her feel beautiful and lvoed. 

any input at all?


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## brokeneric

Um.. why are you still married?:scratchhead:


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## NextTimeAround

I believe that someone who treats you like sh!t is saying that they don't care about you. Unless you and she have agreed to an open marriage, it seems to me that she doesn't care whether you stay or go.


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## PreRaphaelite

This woman is a ho. 

Separate your finances, file for divorce, and tell her if she dares to bring her lover into your home and fvck him in your bed that you'll call the police to have him removed.

Regain your own self-respect.


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## jarhead

So i do understand your responces but here is my delema is that i have been neglectful not to the exstent i belive and affair is the answer and not as much as she belives i have been( there are actions she has done that i dont feel are to blame me for and have sacrafices she made to save us.. and stopped seeing him and barely talking to him after as a show of im trying to make it better) Am i crazy for staying and trying to show her what i have neglected to show and what she needs? Should she be able to be angry with me for not showing/being able to fully show those feelings. Her words " doesnt matter about the affair if i truly loved her like i say i do you should be able to show me you love me and hug me and comfort me when im crying my eyes out sad" Also she has told me time and time again she knows its wrong and shes sorry she went to someone else but i pushed her to go to him and i made her feel unwanted and unloved. I feel like i have done so wrong that i just need to change myself to make her stop. 

Trying to avoid putting it in here but it is relivante we do have a almost 3 year old daughter together.


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## PreRaphaelite

Her response is absolute BS. You may have been neglectful but SHE chose to cheat on you, SHE chose to go to another man. That is HER, not you. She is using the typical cheater's excuse to make you feel guilty. it's been seen on here 1,000,000 times. Surf the infidelity boards and you will see your story written over and over again.

And every single time it's when the BS finally realizes that what the cheating spouse is saying is a lie just to keep justifying what they're doing, then things will begin to change.


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## indiecat

It's sad that your self respect is so low as to live like this. It's an animalistic and disgusting lifestyle. 

You let her blame you for her being a skank. Wow, she has it made.


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## syhoybenden

There are none so blind as those who will not see.


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## convert

jarhead, are you a marine?

show her you love her by stopping the affair and fight for her or divorce


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## brokeneric

Um.. why are you still married?:scratchhead:

I still don't get it?


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## Philat

I sense Google Translate.


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## anchorwatch

You're not living at home?


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## anchorwatch

*Re: Re: Endless cycle of wifes affair.. please read need input*



Philat said:


> I sense Google Translate.


At a second look, there is something


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## weightlifter

You were in the Marines OP?


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## 6301

Tell you what to do. Look in the mirror and wave at that guy whose waving back at you. See him? 

He's the one whose at fault. You know about her affair. She waves it under your nose. She even brings the bum home and screws him IN YOUR FU--ING BED! 

Now you wonder why your still in a funk? Come on man, you need to find your balls and do something rather than let this woman kick the snot out of you. 

You know what you need to do. Just file and get her the hell out of your house. Let her go with the guy and tell her that you'll find your own truck without her help and while you at it, burn the mattress and buy a new one and have her sleep someplace else.

What you wrote is pathetic and why you let yourself be walked over like that is inexcusable. Don't you think that you deserve something better than what your getting?

Man up and bounce her ass out then you can clear your head and find a good woman.


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## melw74

My god. Why do you put up with this for.

I mean...... SLEEPING IN YOUR MARITAL BED......

Why are you still married and not filed for divorce, Please do not say its because you love her because you may love her, but she certainty does not love you.

Her behaviour is disgusting, I really think you need to seriously have a think about things because you deserve better.... a lot better.


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## Mrs. T

jarhead said:


> any input at all?


I just can't beleive what I am reading. :scratchhead: My input...man up and kick her a** out. Anything else I would like to say will either get me censored or banned.


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## MiriRose

Hi Jarhead ~ As I read your posts I could understand where you're coming from. As bad as things have gotten, you still have hope for your marriage, and you want to save your family. I admire that! While there is always hope for any marriage, it may not be an easy road ahead since drastic changes are likely going to have to be made. 

First off, I would strongly suggest that you read _Love Must Be Tough_ by Dr. James Dobson. It's for marriages facing crisis, and he has even written about a situation similar to yours -- a spouse bringing their lover into the marriage bed. The book contains practical guidance on how to respond and what you should do. It's about exercising tough love so that your wife will have to make changes on her part as well. It is sometimes scary, but it's a necessary process. Also, you would likely benefit from counseling. Do you think your wife would be willing to join you? Here's a link that might be helpful if you decide to pursue this. Feel free to PM me if you'd like more info.

I've said a prayer for your family. I truly hope you find healing in your marriage.


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## turnera

jarhead, what YOU have done in this marriage has NOTHING to do with her being a cheating POS. Please stop accepting blame. Start acting like a man. And start removing the affair from YOUR HOME.

Does she work or do you pay all the bills?


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## turnera

Or is this just a joke?


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## Dad&Hubby

jarhead said:


> So i do understand your responces but here is my delema is that i have been neglectful not to the exstent i belive and affair is the answer and not as much as she belives i have been( there are actions she has done that i dont feel are to blame me for and have sacrafices she made to save us.. and stopped seeing him and barely talking to him after as a show of im trying to make it better) Am i crazy for staying and trying to show her what i have neglected to show and what she needs? Should she be able to be angry with me for not showing/being able to fully show those feelings. Her words " doesnt matter about the affair if i truly loved her like i say i do you should be able to show me you love me and hug me and comfort me when im crying my eyes out sad" Also she has told me time and time again she knows its wrong and shes sorry she went to someone else but i pushed her to go to him and i made her feel unwanted and unloved. I feel like i have done so wrong that i just need to change myself to make her stop.
> 
> Trying to avoid putting it in here but it is relivante we do have a almost 3 year old daughter together.


So she says you have been distant, blah blah [INSERT STANDARD BLAMESHIFT LINE OF A CHEATER] so that's why she cheated.

So how was SHE during this same period. Because bad behavior is justified by your spouses "poor" behavior, right? She was perfect. Obviously she was...you have been loyal to the marriage, so she NEVER did anything poor or badly in the marriage...right? Do you see the issue here.....Do you see the hole in the logic?

You need to see a counselor, figure out why you're co-dependent with no self confidence.

Step back and truly look at your wife and her treatment of you. If your brother had a wife who treated him that way, what advice would you give him......FOLLOW THAT ADVICE!


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## Dad&Hubby

jarhead said:


> So i want to try and be as simple as possible to start and any questions i can answer along the way. For atleast almost two yearrs my wife has carried on an affair without truly hiding it. i know all about it and doesnt do anything to hide it now for atleast a year. she says i was to distant, never put enough into the family as far as planning things for us to do, taking control and involving my family that is very upset with her about her choice. they have yelled and argued with her and her back about her choice and said hurtful things. I did not stand up and stop the arguments other than try to civilize them so it was not yelling and screaming.( she is angry i wouldnt defend her or step in). Also that i dont show enough of affection( hugs, telling ehr she is beautiful, doing things out of blue for her) i have attempted to show all the love i can, be there for her as much as possible. She has said she stopped seeing and barely talking to him for lengths of times but i havent trully noticed it or felt i could belive it. I have done some things that were wrong and very bad and ive appoligized for my wrongs.
> 
> She still says she wants me and shows it with gestures and words and actions of thinging of me first and so on. But things like saying shes thinking of me and showing her love by calling me when she is with him and infront of him or thinking about my wants while she is with him(found a truck i would really want while out with him and called to tell me about it) should show her love and how she puts me first. I was not attentive to her talking and didnt seem to care she said which i cared but didnt really care to listen because i was upset about where she was and who she was with.
> 
> Last thing she will have him over and sleep with him in our home in our bed and not hide it.
> 
> I am lost in my feelings because i cant attempt to show full love and caring with that going on and unless i show her i do care and love her fully for a long time to show it wont fade like it does time and time again (because i can only push so hard for so long and this still going on) she wont stop and cant because he cares and makes her feel beautiful and lvoed.
> 
> any input at all?


I hate saying this but I can't see how a man could be THIS weak. I've known some weak men, heck I was a weak man during my first marriage...but this? Not unless you have a cuckhold fetish.


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## Wolf1974

6301 said:


> Tell you what to do. Look in the mirror and wave at that guy whose waving back at you. See him?
> 
> He's the one whose at fault. You know about her affair. She waves it under your nose. She even brings the bum home and screws him IN YOUR FU--ING BED!
> 
> Now you wonder why your still in a funk? Come on man, you need to find your balls and do something rather than let this woman kick the snot out of you.
> 
> You know what you need to do. Just file and get her the hell out of your house. Let her go with the guy and tell her that you'll find your own truck without her help and while you at it, burn the mattress and buy a new one and have her sleep someplace else.
> 
> What you wrote is pathetic and why you let yourself be walked over like that is inexcusable. Don't you think that you deserve something better than what your getting?
> 
> Man up and bounce her ass out then you can clear your head and find a good woman.




:iagree:


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## hookares

jarhead, you aren't as "distant" as I would be if my spouse dropped this information on me.


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## jarhead

So no not a marine nick name I was given long ago and only thing I could think of that would not be found if a Google search was done. Yes I really have died inside and became very weak and don't want any pitty since I have chosen to stay and try and fix things and allowed this to continue. I have gone to some counseling as money allows and yes I pay all bills unless her mom helps her out/us. I know my emotional state and how angry I am and that a lash out is not far from happening and I don't want to stoop to that level. I won't play the o you did this or that game. I just simply have fallen so far Idk how to pick back up. We were fighting once angry fighting and I couldn't do it anymore I said I was leaving and walked out to a friends. Long story short she begged me to come home that she needed me she was to sad hurt and she has history of cutting and depression so she wanted me home to talk to her calm her down comfort her And help with our daughter. She even found where I was yelled those things begged and I wouldn't go. Told her I wouldn't go home I needed time and didn't want to fight and make things worse. She left I went to my parents place( who was not home) to relax and me caring and worried about her safety I stayed up to go home once I thought she would be asleep to check and make sure she didn't cut or hurt herself. She had hinted at it and still begged and told me to be hone so I was there for my daughter in morning. I later got a text from her affair saying he was worried and she did something stupid took pills. Ran home angry I angrily asked her of she took them no resp once (empty bottle on table) so told her we go in Now or I call 911. So I called and she was taken in. I chose to stay at home and wait until my daughter woke up that morning to go see my wife. Idk why I out all this in here but I abanded her and didn't care because I didn't go with her to er or even follow her up right away. I don't get it. 
Now she is pregnant for the 3rd time with this guy and she blames it now on me this time because the second time I was supportive with what ever she chosen to do and she chose abortion again to try and save us so I promised to stop chewing so we could later have one of our own once we fixed us. Why I did this Idk I think more as a comfort (never promise unless you can follow through). On so angry because she says she sacrafized 2 babes to save us and I didn't change even though at the lest I tried my hardest to show what I could show even if very minimal. How is this my fault and how is she to say she sacrafized babes for us and that should show how much she loves me and wants to fix this when I didn't force her on any of this. It was her choice to have an affair her stupidity to get pregnant. I feel like an ass for being so harsh about abortion and to get bbecause I'm jot an a$$ hole type most the time. I try to be calm collected and fair. 

As for whole pills thing there was no neglect for my daughters safety and dhs came and talked to us. At all times I had someone close by and also she had all control of situation even if I never called 911 never was enough to do real damage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

End the cycle and take your kid.
Your old lady needs years of therapy and you could use some your self.

If your not happy with your life then get control of it and if you think you can get control of your chick well forget it.

You need to save your self from this emotional torture then you go find a healthy relationship with a loyal and stable women that also knows how to have a healthy relationship.....the one you got now id phucked up and you can't fix that only she can.

Hell she has so much resentment even if you showed her a healthier way to live she won't just to spite you.

Sorry bro but she continues to screw with your head cuz she knows she can and that's messed up.


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## turnera

jarhead, nobody can help you here. YOU KNOW what the answer is: to take your daughter and leave her and let her fall. She will NEVER STOP until you take this step. 

That's all we can tell you. If her mom is there helping, pack up your wife's stuff, take it to her mom's and take your wife with you. Hand her over to her mom and say she can't come back until she has given up the OM (among other things).

If you're too chicken to do this, at least do this ONE THING: cancel her credit cards, cancel her cell phone, and give her no money.


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## jarhead

i agree noone can trully help. i have to make decisions on my own. I posted to vent and most of what i say is not all of the situation and this has been going on over 2 years and as you can tell it is very jumbled and a mess. I just need to vent what i am thinking and see if people feel the same about what i have said as i do. Because i am so lost i need to find answer and to understand my thoughts so i can be at peace with them to focus on fixing me and standing to what i feel. and be able to be me again.


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## MattMatt

Yikes. Divorce. Sorry.


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## turnera

jarhead, THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER: 

STOP ALLOWING THIS.


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## WorkingOnMe

So the answer is that you're a cuckold (by definition) who is tolerating a one sided open marriage. Since you refuse to put a stop to it and leave her, you are in face endorsing it.

And please, stop using the nickname Jarhead. It's disrespectful for someone like you to do that.


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## jarhead

ok with conversation between me and her jsut now talking through some of the feelings we have and trying to understand each others point of view because as of tonight i will be staying at my parents ( this is because i work swing and atleast 10 hours which makes it so im off at 3am. She watches our daughter and i want my daughter in her house her bed and where i know she has everything she needs) She just told me she chose no divorce long ago when i was neglecting her and not meeting her needs after many attempts from her to try and boost me into meeting her needs. This also was before the affair and us buying out own house, but this also was after a couple years since she had cheated on me with the same guy while we were both living at our parents homes (she was18 and i was 20 ) which was a few months before we found out she was pregnant with our daugther which turned into alot of drama in our lives about whos baby it was even though my wife proved the best she could that she had no contact with him during the time frame she got pregnant. I 100% belive she is my daughter looks and all. with that background said- i was neglecting her needs and wouldnt change with all her attempts to help and push me to try. So decided no divorce but i will go to someone else to make me seei might loose her in hopes it would shock me and make me try and win her back. Now ok yeah logic i get make the feel they will loose so they try harder but really an affair? thoughts?


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## WorkingOnMe

jarhead said:


> So decided no divorce but i will go to someone else to make me see i might loose her in hopes it would shock me and make me try and win her back.


Bull****. She's just a cheater like any other cheater.


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## xakulax

The amount of energy you are wasting in this marriages could have been spent finding a better spouse you should run not walk from this marriage.


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## turnera

I'm frankly disgusted reading this. You need therapy.

Or else a swift kick in the rear by a male role model, which you seem to be sorely lacking.


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## jarhead

working on me a may be a push over and to nice or care to much or have no back bone with this. But you dont know me you know only what i have placed on here. No i am no marine but dont think im some piece of **** and that im a disrespect to marines. Hell im no perfect person or may have fallen in my life to rock bottom but I am and know this for sure a respectful and level headed man that has accomplished alot in my life by hard work and pushing to get it with sweat and tears. So dont judge me say your thoughts and opinions but dont think you can judge who i am as a person thats left to god alone.


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## turnera

I'm sure you are a fine PERSON.

As a husband, you are being a cuckold. And I have no doubt you will have a hard time finding ANY person who believes what you are doing by allowing her to screw other men in YOUR HOME is right.


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## jarhead

Well i appriciate the advice even if it is just saying you need to leave or reasuring the fact of yes i have let this go on and that my attempts to make it stop or to leave have simply not been enough to hold any real ground. But honestly need to make unneeded remarks that just make me feel even worse. Im trying to find ways to understand and pick my a$$ up. not just feel like s*** more.

Anything you can suggest to try or where to turn would be awsome on understanding this situation as im torn between the fact of "my fault" and bull S*** cheatins cheating its destroyed me inside and you think it should push me to do more or be better how does that work. 

I honestly see it both needs are not met obviously since she says shes so unahppy to cheat and mine for obvious reason. That nomatter past problems issues or reasoning/justification that simply right now we both need to change something of some kind or stay apart because nothing else matters unless one of those happens. Right?

Also If she says ive always been this way not stand up supportive etc... really should that be a reason to be so hurt? She knew from day one who i was... Yes i know with issues during dating her and in my life plus fact of bs cheating before has pushed me down and her controling has made me less back bone h*** idk.


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## turnera

Where to turn? MOVE OUT! WITH the kids!

Look, this isn't you. You're not a bad person. You are just NOT UNDERSTANDING the psychology of what you're dealing with. 

She will KEEP CHEATING for one reason only - BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.

You CANNOT nice her out of cheating. The only thing that cheaters understand is STRENGTH. She is a drug addict and the OM is her drug. At this point, all you are is her mean old father who tries to keep her from lighting up that harmless joint. Why should she listen to you?

She WON'T listen to you, unless you say ENOUGH. Unless you say I refuse to STAY MARRIED while you screw another man. PERIOD.

WHY can't you understand this?


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## turnera

How about this. It won't require you standing up like a man, just reading. Read this book, and you will understand WHY you are stuck in this hell:

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339


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## jarhead

So i know what i need to do and just need to find the correct words. I feel as if im blaming at times and i do what i can not to do this. I also am not one to give up and feel like i am if i leave. Not completly true i know and yes she seems to have already given up but doesnt make it right to me to give up also. With that said im simply telling her nomatter what way you look at it Needs are not met on either side and either imiediate change needs to happen and counsling needs to happen together for me to consider not seperating and i will listen to her needs because i will admit im not perfect and always open for advice on where to better myself. but unless those can be agreed on and some time still apart to prove my follow through with this. Other than that we will continue with seperating and all that goes along. I no longer can do this and i have known it a long while but being completly lost and alone (feeling i had noone i could trully rely on in my life, thats other issues with friends and family) i didnt know where to go if i left and so gone in my head staying kept me atleast in a place where at very least i had what i needed to destress some ( my garage and trucks) my daughter was there with me (joy of my life) and sad to say i was worried about her safety from herself in a round aobut way if i did leave.


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## RandomDude

:slap:


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## jarhead

RandomDude said:


> :slap:


?


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## whitehawk

Sorry for what your going through but this is insane. What she expects you to show her when she's flaunting an affair , she threatens to have him in your home. This is her solution to repairing the marriage.

Sorry man but you gotta kick her out or leave yourself . She sounds like a selfish egotistical maniac.

ps , and her needs , well what an honor , what you don't have any needs ? Should go find someone to meet them brother because she certainly doesn't give a fk about them.


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## jarhead

what makes this so hard is I'm a very simple thinker I guess its this is how it is and she is not that way all details little things and she will go into dept on anything even to why the sky is blue. She does that with explaining what I don't do and what she does do. Which to me is convincing sadly and I go well **** no focus is on what I didn't do and well she's right I didn't do that or I've never been like that. Tonight is the first night I am not home with me also telling her I'm not coming home when she asked and I also have my daughter with me. So she is home alone with the dogs realizing how it really feels that I'm gone and won't be coming back tonight as she wants. She's also scared out of her mind because she's now pregnant and I'm not there to comfort her and she now has to explain this to everyone and she knows she will get so much from so many people because of it. And I do feel bad for her I was there when she was pregnant with our daughter it was very hard on her and I want to help because I do love her. But I known I can't keep like this and I know that and so does she. But its weird to see how nice she is being and wants me. I mean its not much at all but you can tell in her texts and how she says things. I just know I have to stick to it and sadly that means an all nighter with me and the 4x4 wrenching. But I can get through this.

Anyone got opinion on- being supportive by just reassuring and being understanding And even if my natural reaction of anger I just listen to her feelings and try and boost her up? Is that supportive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Look, if you love her, you will leave her. It's that simple. I know it sounds dumb, but it's the truth.

By staying and allowing this to happen, YOU are helping drive her into her own personal hell. It is only when YOU say "I'm done" that she MIGHT stop and look at her actions and ask herself what she's doing.

If you love her, get a lawyer and file for legal separation and separate your household - at least for now - so she has to, as you say, be alone and think about it.

And for God's sake, get your daughter away from what she is doing! Do you want your DAUGHTER to grow up thinking it's ok to marry one guy and screw another? That men are just to be used, not loved? That men are weak and dumb? That's what she's learning.


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## Code-Welder

jarhead said:


> Last thing she will have him over and sleep with him in our home in our bed and not hide it.


If you live in Texas it is legal to shoot them if you find them in bed together, or it use to be. Temp insanity is the plea. Your wife should be a Ex wife very quickly if I were you.


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## tom67

jarhead said:


> what makes this so hard is I'm a very simple thinker I guess its this is how it is and she is not that way all details little things and she will go into dept on anything even to why the sky is blue. She does that with explaining what I don't do and what she does do. Which to me is convincing sadly and I go well **** no focus is on what I didn't do and well she's right I didn't do that or I've never been like that. Tonight is the first night I am not home with me also telling her I'm not coming home when she asked and I also have my daughter with me. So she is home alone with the dogs realizing how it really feels that I'm gone and won't be coming back tonight as she wants. She's also scared out of her mind because she's now pregnant and I'm not there to comfort her and she now has to explain this to everyone and she knows she will get so much from so many people because of it. And I do feel bad for her I was there when she was pregnant with our daughter it was very hard on her and I want to help because I do love her. But I known I can't keep like this and I know that and so does she. But its weird to see how nice she is being and wants me. I mean its not much at all but you can tell in her texts and how she says things. I just know I have to stick to it and sadly that means an all nighter with me and the 4x4 wrenching. But I can get through this.
> 
> Anyone got opinion on- being supportive by just reassuring and being understanding And even if my natural reaction of anger I just listen to her feelings and try and boost her up? Is that supportive?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who's baby is she pregnant with?
Go get some ic as soon as you can please.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Oy. You're asking how you can be supportive OP? Support a boot in her @ss.

Seriously. With your wife openly flaunting an affair, the last thing you should do is be supportive of her. Can you not see how weak that is?


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## jarhead

His not mine. And ic? And weak yes I have become but that is changing and will change faster everyday. She already feels me not there hurting her.I see it. Also can notice now how I do nothing and she turns it as me being mean. Also supportive I have been to her to be honest I feel as if I've become dad to her as she is dating. Not OK for me to do but I had to push myself through depression and anxiety to make bills and keep up with my day to day. My job is a lead but in reality a babysitter to adults. Moving forward with myself today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jarhead

does anyone see anything wrong for askig that we agree to changes such as ending completly affair and counsling and that we agree to support each other and help push each other to move forward together to heal and resolve all issues. Also time apart is still needed. Obviously this is jsut basic and start of the process but is that a fair and resonible request? Put no blame or more fighitng over this or that. simply agree here and now change is needed first and continues time and help to fix us if thats what we both want?


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## Applejuice

jarhead said:


> ...And weak yes I have become but that is changing and will change faster everyday.


I used that delaying tactic for two years before my best friend, out of sheer frustration, intervened on my behalf and sent my ex packing. Don't fool yourself jarhead, there is no convenient and painless way to salvage your 'marriage' (and I use that term loosely).



jarhead said:


> She already feels me not there hurting her.I see it. Also can notice now how I do nothing and she turns it as me being mean.


You're still apologising on her behalf. Your experiment with temporary relocation isn't for her benefit, it's for yours. She was always fully aware that your reluctance to assert yourself was due to your unwillingness to bestow psychological trauma and she exploited that 'weakness' (and a very admirable if misguided one at that) to her own advantage.



jarhead said:


> Also supportive I have been to her to be honest I feel as if I've become dad to her as she is dating.
> Not OK for me to do but I had to push myself through depression and anxiety to make bills and keep up with my day to day.


I understand jarhead, you're saying that the strain of day to day responsibilities necessitated a radical, if unorthdox approach to prioritisation because you feel you don't have the psychological fortitude to address so many profound issues concurrently.

In essence, you relegated the issue of your wife's pathological predilection for infidelity to the 'In due course, when I'm stronger' category thus unwittingly endorsing, by passive consent, her continued transgression.

Like the other posters here, (who incidentally, aren't mocking or repudiating you but trying desperately to alter your perception in spite of yourself), I believe that you have little choice but to resort to the unconscionable - divorce, or at the very least, the sincere threat thereof.



jarhead said:


> My job is a lead but in reality a babysitter to adults. Moving forward with myself today


I'm not sure I understand. By 'lead', do you mean 'Manager'? In any case, it's good that you've made an effort to stimulate some progress on the issue but intent is simply not enough, you have to act! Don't settle for another feeble apology and don't allow yourself to be coerced.

Dig deep and find that dormant reserve of courage you've so long repressed. The irony is that in all likelihood, were you to assert yourself in a confident manner and assume control of the situation on your terms, she would find it strangely intoxicating - it's hard not to admire someone who shows little fear in the face of adversity.

Alas, on a more sobering note, you should also preempt the other possible outcome. What if, by some miracle, you do manage to piece together some semblance of a healthy relationship; Do you honestly believe you could reconcile such an enormous trust deficit?

You would likely safeguard against her potential relapse by becoming increasingly suspicious of her actions to the point of becoming suffocating. Her instinctive reaction will be to feel resentful and eventually, vindictive and you're back to square one.

Two salient mantra's my father always extolled:

1. "A leopard cannot change its spots."
2. "Some things once broken, can never and should never be fixed."


----------



## jarhead

thank you very much for your responce. I would like to hear your opion on what i have put below. After long text all day at work. I decided to try this and would like to hear your though on what i asked from her before i say what she said.

I love you I do more than you know. I am broken as you can see and I know I have hurt and neglected your needs. There is no excuse or justification. I know with how broken I am and that with that I still neglect your needs no matter how hard I push to meet them. I also know that how we are now living right now it can't be fixed unless changes on both our ends and I feel counseling through a church ( I know church you have asked for before and I enjoyed and Idk why I didn't keep pushing to go. But I've been doing searching and praying lately and really want to go with you) is something that will help a lot. I have not walked away I have not left you it may not show but I still am focused on us. And am wanting to fix us

I know there is a lot of hurt and healing to be done and that won't be quick or easy. But I love you and have not given up on us just we need change and help to work through all the hurt and emotions


----------



## Applejuice

jarhead said:


> thank you very much for your responce. I would like to hear your opion on what i have put below. After long text all day at work. I decided to try this and would like to hear your though on what i asked from her before i say what she said.


Hi jarhead, Do you mean YOU sent that text?

I know you're not a native English speaker jarhead so I'll try to format this post in fairly simplistic bullet points.

* YOU should not/must not apologise for three reasons:

1) Your wife will see it as a sign of weakness and will probably only disdain the impotency of your gesture.
2) You're excusing her behaviour for her thus denying her the chance to repent and atone.
3) Her 'test' failed once again so she'll have to up the ante and provoke you even further.

* YOU must assert yourself for three reasons:

1) Your wife wants you to be her protector but, in her eyes, you're too submissive to handle that responsibility.
2) The more subservient you become, the less attractive you appear in her eyes.
3) If you don't put your foot down soon, it'll be too late. You'll either become an indefinite doormat or she'll leave you.

Anyway, there are people here who are far more qualified than I to be offering advice but I hope, for your sake as well as hers and your children, that you 'man up' and be the patriarch they want you to be.


----------



## JCD

Okay, I can barely read your posts. Please edit them by reading them out loud.

That being said, she SAYS she wants X, Y, and Z. You say you have been TRYING to do X, Y, and Z. So either you are so inept that you failed totally, or it was a sh*t test. See if she can make you jump through the hoop.

Since you seem to have stated that you refuse to leave her or divorce her, I would suggest the 180.

Google 'Healing Heart' and '180' It will give you a list. 

All the things on the list are the OPPOSITE of what you wife SAYS will make things work. But please note: the minute you walked away, she started to change her behavior, granted not a HEALTHY change, but she changed.

Please note this point well. Say you and I are in a room together. I pick up a hammer and start pounding my hand with a hammer, asking you 'why are you making me do this?'

Obviously, you are NOT making me do this. _*I*_ am doing this. You actions and presence are an excuse.

So I would lay out some ground rules.

1) The other man is not allowed in your house ever. You will call the police. Follow up on this. 

2) Do not have sex with her. She is trying to win your favor by having sex with you. It is cheap coin indeed at this point.

3) I get the sense that she is 'hot' and you are less so. So you are putting up with this because you feel you can't do any better. But honestly, how are you feeling about YOURSELF? I am guessing pretty frigging bad. She is creating a situation where you are feeling this way. Trust me, finding someone who is faithful and makes you feel GOOD about yourself will make YOU feel better.

4) You think you can rescue her. It makes you feel good. She is using this cutting behavior to manipulate you. If/when she does this, call her parents or health and human services. If she is that broken, YOU CAN'T FIX HER. 

I don't think you will take a bit of this advice. But I am feeling better to give it.


----------



## jarhead

JCD said:


> Okay, I can barely read your posts. Please edit them by reading them out loud.
> 
> That being said, she SAYS she wants X, Y, and Z. You say you have been TRYING to do X, Y, and Z. So either you are so inept that you failed totally, or it was a sh*t test. See if she can make you jump through the hoop.
> 
> Since you seem to have stated that you refuse to leave her or divorce her, I would suggest the 180.
> 
> Google 'Healing Heart' and '180' It will give you a list.
> 
> All the things on the list are the OPPOSITE of what you wife SAYS will make things work. But please note: the minute you walked away, she started to change her behavior, granted not a HEALTHY change, but she changed.
> 
> Please note this point well. Say you and I are in a room together. I pick up a hammer and start pounding my hand with a hammer, asking you 'why are you making me do this?'
> 
> Obviously, you are NOT making me do this. _*I*_ am doing this. You actions and presence are an excuse.
> 
> So I would lay out some ground rules.
> 
> 1) The other man is not allowed in your house ever. You will call the police. Follow up on this.
> 
> 2) Do not have sex with her. She is trying to win your favor by having sex with you. It is cheap coin indeed at this point.
> 
> 3) I get the sense that she is 'hot' and you are less so. So you are putting up with this because you feel you can't do any better. But honestly, how are you feeling about YOURSELF? I am guessing pretty frigging bad. She is creating a situation where you are feeling this way. Trust me, finding someone who is faithful and makes you feel GOOD about yourself will make YOU feel better.
> 
> 4) You think you can rescue her. It makes you feel good. She is using this cutting behavior to manipulate you. If/when she does this, call her parents or health and human services. If she is that broken, YOU CAN'T FIX HER.
> 
> I don't think you will take a bit of this advice. But I am feeling better to give it.


Sorry for the grammar most posts are done on cell phone or as quick as possible at work since I have constant eyes on me and employees coming to ask questions. I will take your advice as all others and use it to attempt to make sense of things as I have to understand what is happening and going on completely to prove to myself I am not what is being said. I really wish I could get her and i's conversation onto her to show what is said both sides to say if im just not undwrstanding what she is saying or it really is just attempts to keep me down to keep me there and also to show some or her reasanings and how she sees things. I will look up the 180 here in a minute. I appreciate the advice . To your point of either I really did a **** job at trying or its a test. This is where I get most confusion because there are things I have done that are bad such as short version camping trip saw a friend and his wife. Joined there group and she ended up sick drunk and i had to leave to get truck came back found she had sex with a guy and she wouldn't get out of tent. I waited toll she was asleep and wveryone was in there campers but one guy was asleep on chair so felt safe to go back to get quad and gear to come back to guy in chair putting a coat for a pillow under her head which I found out later they had sex. Left once she was sober enough to get up on own and leave with me. I thought drunk yes but knowingly since she can drink a lot and still be OK. I didn't yell or get angry on way home I was quiet and obviously upset and she didn't remember I think. But it was rape and me being angry a year later I made comment of her cheating on mr that night. To me that was very harsh and a lot of trauma for her. Or like 4 to 5 times when i did not stop my parents form yelling at her and being awful to her about having an affair and making me feel so horrible. I agree yelling was not called for or lashing at her negatively about being raped. But for being angry about her choice of an affair was understandable and she made the choice and is old enough to talk the situation out with my parents without me having to control situation I feel. Lastly she brought up tonight how horrible it was and no one would have dealt with or stayed after- first few months of dating her 17 me 19 I broke it off because I was young and wanted to explore "figure some things out" as I said. I slept one one girl fooled around with another and flirted with lots in a couple month period. Came to my senses and won her back. But not wanting to tell her of my fooling around I told what i felt needed to be told and over time would mention something or someone I thought I had already told her and since I would say " I swore i told you" she felt I was hiding things and that was a horrible thing and trust breaking she still holds against me today. Last I felt like **** for then and and do to this day but being young boy and not wanting to start a fight I slept with her knowing my sexual partner over the break up small chance could have had a std and my test results had not come back when I had sex with my now wife and didn't confess this to her until later. So I know that was a very mean thing to do but 5 years ago I that really a justifiable thing to hold onto as a part of emotional damage I had don't to lead to her going out of our marriage. Other than that I have been neglectulful on lots of attention and support on her wants. But only little neglect. 

Also she says since I didn't view her choice to have an abortion the two tines she got pregnant with her affair a huge sacrifice to show her want to fix us and swearing the affair was done each time after abortion. She says that since I didn't change my distancw and put all my effort into fixing us after she did that I am an as and don't care and slapped her in the face because she did it to save us. Even though I comforted her and supported her and reassured her all o could only ever getting angry at the doctors appointment for ultra sound because my daughter ran tp the other guy excited and it killed me. And I was angry and didn't look at monitor in apointnent and yell on ride home because I was angry my daughter knew him. Other than that I supported her all I could because I'm so against abortion and so is she. But she sees that sacrifice as huge and since I didn't change after she made that sacrifice I lost my chance to save us and put her through he** so any pain I feel from her affair is nothing compared to all her pain from what I had done to her as stated above. Jumbled mess of a post but I'm on my cell and needed to get all out before I forgot most of the ways she said it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> does anyone see anything wrong for *asking *that *we agree *to changes such as ending completly affair and counsling and that we agree to *support each other *and help *push each other to move forward *together to heal and resolve all issues.




Are you even reading ANYTHING we post?


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> thank you very much for your responce. I would like to hear your opion on what i have put below. After long text all day at work. I decided to try this and would like to hear your though on what i asked from her before i say what she said.
> 
> I love you I do more than you know. I am broken as you can see and I know I have hurt and neglected your needs. There is no excuse or justification. I know with how broken I am and that with that I still neglect your needs no matter how hard I push to meet them. I also know that how we are now living right now it can't be fixed unless changes on both our ends and I feel counseling through a church ( I know church you have asked for before and I enjoyed and Idk why I didn't keep pushing to go. But I've been doing searching and praying lately and really want to go with you) is something that will help a lot. I have not walked away I have not left you it may not show but I still am focused on us. And am wanting to fix us
> 
> I know there is a lot of hurt and healing to be done and that won't be quick or easy. But I love you and have not given up on us just we need change and help to work through all the hurt and emotions


OMFG, are you serious?

She's been cheating on you your whole marriage, had MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES with another man - and YOU are begging HER to forgive YOU?

Is your father alive? Go tell HIM all this. See what HE says.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Jarhead, I think you need to leave this relationship.


----------



## Applejuice

Great advice JCD and succinctly put, as always - I always enjoy reading your posts.



turnera said:


> OMFG, are you serious?
> 
> She's been cheating on you your whole marriage, had MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES with another man - and YOU are begging HER to forgive YOU?
> 
> Is your father alive? Go tell HIM all this. See what HE says.


Exactly!! I like your suggestion of seeking out a patriarchal figure. Or in the absence of a father, perhaps another masculine role model such as a much admired friend.


jarhead, given that you're having to use a mobile to text your replies, I hope you won't mind me paraphrasing/translating/reformatting your post a little.



jarhead said:


> I will take yours and other's advice and use it to attempt to make sense of things as I have to understand completely what is happening .. to prove to myself I am not as described.
> 
> I really wish I could post 'our' conversation here to show what is being said on both sides to see if I'm just not understanding what she is saying or it really is just attempts to keep me down/keep me there and also to show some or her reasoning and how she sees things.
> 
> I will look up the 180 here in a minute. I appreciate the advice.
> 
> To your point of either I really did a **** job at trying or its a test. This is where I get most confusion because there are things I have done that are bad, such as:-
> 
> - (Short version) ..Camping trip.. saw a friend and his wife, joined their group and the wife ended up sick drunk so I left to get the truck. I came back and found MY wife had had sex with a guy and she wouldn't get out of the tent. I waited 'til she was asleep and everyone was in their campers (one guy was asleep on a chair [by the tent]..I found out later they had sex) so I felt safe to go back to get my quad and gear. I came back, put a coat for a pillow under her head. Once she was sober enough to get up on own, we left. I thought drunk, yes, but knowingly since she can drink a lot and still be OK. I didn't yell or get angry on the way home. I was quiet and obviously upset and she didn't remember, I think. But it was rape and me being angry a year later, I made a comment of her cheating on me that night.
> 
> To me that was very harsh and a lot of trauma for her. Or like 4 to 5 times when I did not stop my parents from yelling at her and being awful to her about having an affair and making me feel so horrible. I agree, yelling was not called for or lashing at her negatively about being raped.
> 
> But for being angry about her choice of an affair was understandable and she made the choice and is old enough to talk the situation out with my parents without me having to control situation I feel.
> 
> Lastly, she brought up tonight how horrible it was and no one would have dealt with/stayed with me after the first few months of dating. Her 17, me 19, I broke it off because I was young and wanted to explore ("figure some things out" as I said). I slept with one girl, fooled around with another and flirted with lots in a couple month period. Came to my senses and won her back. But not wanting to tell her of my fooling around, I told what I felt needed to be told and over time would mention something or someone I thought I had already told her. I would say "I swore I told you" and she felt I was hiding things and that was a horrible/trust breaking. She still holds it against me today.
> 
> Lastly, I felt like **** for then and still do to this day but being a young boy and not wanting to start a fight, I slept with her knowing there was a small chance that my sexual partner over the break up period could have had an STD and my test results had not come back when I had sex with my now wife and didn't confess this to her until later. So I know that was a very mean thing to do but that was 5 years ago. Is that really a justifiable thing to hold on to as a part of emotional damage. I don't want it to lead to her going out of our marriage.
> 
> Other than that I have been neglectful on lots of her attention/support needs, if only a little neglectful. Also, she says since I didn't consider her choice to have an abortion the two times she got pregnant with her affair, a huge sacrifice to show her willingness to fix us and swearing the affair was done each time after abortion. She says that since I didn't change my distance and put all my effort into fixing us after she did that, I am an ass and don't care it was a 'slap in the face' because she did it to save us.
> 
> Even though I comforted her and supported her and reassured her all I could, only ever getting angry at the doctors appointment for ultra sound because my daughter ran to the other guy excited and it killed me. Because I was angry and didn't look at monitor in the appointment and yelled on ride home because I was angry my daughter knew him. Other than that I supported her all I could because I'm so against abortion and so is she.
> 
> But she sees that sacrifice as huge and since I didn't change after she made that sacrifice, I lost my chance to save us whilst also putting her through hell. So any pain I feel from her affair is nothing compared to all her pain from what I had done to her, as stated above.
> 
> Jumbled mess of a post but I'm on my cell and needed to get all out before I forgot most of the ways she said it.


----------



## turnera

Paragraph returns are our friends.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

jarhead said:


> thank you very much for your responce. I would like to hear your opion on what i have put below. After long text all day at work. I decided to try this and would like to hear your though on what i asked from her before i say what she said.
> 
> I love you I do more than you know. I am broken as you can see and I know I have hurt and neglected your needs. There is no excuse or justification. I know with how broken I am and that with that I still neglect your needs no matter how hard I push to meet them. I also know that how we are now living right now it can't be fixed unless changes on both our ends and I feel counseling through a church ( I know church you have asked for before and I enjoyed and Idk why I didn't keep pushing to go. But I've been doing searching and praying lately and really want to go with you) is something that will help a lot. I have not walked away I have not left you it may not show but I still am focused on us. And am wanting to fix us
> 
> I know there is a lot of hurt and healing to be done and that won't be quick or easy. But I love you and have not given up on us just we need change and help to work through all the hurt and emotions


Sending this text is the best approach if you want her to continue her affairs and behaviors and look at you as pathetic and weak.

If that is not your goal, do not send this or communicate it to her in any way.


----------



## Applejuice

Okay Jarhead, in response to your mammoth post, here's all I can volunteer with respect to various points throughout.

1) When JCD wrote "..That being said, she SAYS she wants X, Y, and Z. You say you have been TRYING to do X, Y, and Z. So either you are so inept that you failed totally, or it was a sh*t test. See if she can make you jump through the hoop.", he wasn't implying that you might have been doing a "..**** job at trying.." necessarily, just that you might have failed to meet her expectations. Bear in mind, her expectations are purely subjective and don't necessarily reflect your degree of willingness.

2) So in chronological terms, your wife maintains that this all started way back during your initial teenage dating period. You were, as many teenagers are, foot-lose, impulsive and hormonally charged. So you slept with a girl during this 'hiatus' and neglected to wait for your test results to come back before jumping back into the sack with your now wife. I don't know how many times I committed that mortal sin but suffice to say, it rarely, if ever gave me sleepless nights. Probably because most of peers, of both sexes, were equally indifferent to the issue of STD's. Hell, at that age, you believe you're impervious to outside influences and you'll live forever.

In any case, using an adolescent infidelity as a justification for marital infidelity is just er.. no!

3) So let me get this right.. you and your wife went on a camping trip. You were subsequently inveigled into a pally drinking session (why didn't you wife go along too?) and when you returned for some wife-lurve, you found her comatose and sexually er.. compromised?

a) Why didn't she join you and your friends?
b) What were the circumstances surrounding this alleged case of rape?
c) Did this chair-snoozing guy tie her down and funnel moonshine down her?
d) At what point did she/didn't she decide she'd had enough?
e) Did she consider pursuing legal action against this rapist?

In short, is there ANY proof that she didn't consent? If your parents gave her a hard time, it's only because her track record with regards to extra-marital sexual liaisons is less than exemplary.

4) I still don't understand why you keep letting her off the hook? She claims you're neglectful and consistently fail to give her the attention and support she needs. She then gets herself pregnant with another man and sacrifices it for the sake of good will - to show her commitment to you, no less. When you subsequently fail to reform (i.e. debase yourself completely), she 'punishes' you by having another affair. Thankfully though, her altruistic nature has won through when you observe the relative pain scales given that any pain you feel "..is nothing compared to all her pain".

**** test or no, such emotional manipulation is beyond absolution and frankly, I think you'd have to be crazy to consider any attempt to fix a relationship wherein so much systemic hate is present. As I stated before, it's one thing to overcome the colossal challenge of reconciliation, it's another challenge entirely to heal the scars of the past - too much has already been said and done.

5) Speaking of insensitivity, am I correct in assuming that the 'other guy' in the hospital was a previous affair? I don't blame you for feeling indignant. If I had a wife and she invited an old flame to share our little intimate ultrasound moment, I'd be pretty miffed too. To have it further compounded by witnessing my daughter display affection for said worm, would make me livid too.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of that's useful jarhead but maybe it has some cathartic value. As the old adage goes, "the first step to recovery is admitted there is a problem.". And I'm not referring to your chronic lack of self-esteem, I'm referring to your untenable marriage.


----------



## Applejuice

turnera said:


> Paragraph returns are our friends.


Haha Amen!!


----------



## jarhead

well after reading all the post last night, going back over my posts, and rereading about a 1200+ texts between me and her going back about a month lastnight. I saw the light atleast enough that today i finally did it. Told her flat out i can not do us anymore unless he is out of the picture and no more contact. The only contact is with baby related since she is pregnant and only if i am present. It will need to be proven also. Unless happens we are staying separated i can not do it anymore.


----------



## jarhead

So her responce was i want 100% when she has tried so many times and i hurt her so bad. That since she cant trust me she cant commit that and feels to me like she not ready to give up the affair. 

I told her im not saying she never tried or i have not seen her attempts and i know she has made attempts resently and in the past to show her love and willingnes to try and save us. (she said she eneded the affair and told me she did. but i couldnt belive it yet and i saw them texting) so i do know yes she tried but she was not trully completly tryied due to what i stated above. 

SO i stood my ground and told her unless she can end the affair and commit to atleast that, we need to stay seperated.

She complained that i got a vacation living at my parents because she was at our house with our daughter, animals and all the chores. So i asked her what she would like to see happen for us to have time apart. 
She returned with me coming over and taking care of my stuff like house fixes, yard, cars, and dog run. I agreed, those things would be taken care of because they are mine to take care of and it is my house. 
She also said after i agreed she would just leave the house but after that the topic was dropped.

Also i know its against alot of peoples adivce and belife but i would like to save this marriage but i know now that i can not stay and be submissive. I have stood up and be assertive with what i need without being selfish in my request and have asked nothing more than a commitment to end affair and commit to working our marriage out.


----------



## jarhead

Applejuice said:


> Okay Jarhead, in response to your mammoth post, here's all I can volunteer with respect to various points throughout.
> 
> 1) When JCD wrote "..That being said, she SAYS she wants X, Y, and Z. You say you have been TRYING to do X, Y, and Z. So either you are so inept that you failed totally, or it was a sh*t test. See if she can make you jump through the hoop.", he wasn't implying that you might have been doing a "..**** job at trying.." necessarily, just that you might have failed to meet her expectations. Bear in mind, her expectations are purely subjective and don't necessarily reflect your degree of willingness.
> 
> 2) So in chronological terms, your wife maintains that this all started way back during your initial teenage dating period. You were, as many teenagers are, foot-lose, impulsive and hormonally charged. So you slept with a girl during this 'hiatus' and neglected to wait for your test results to come back before jumping back into the sack with your now wife. I don't know how many times I committed that mortal sin but suffice to say, it rarely, if ever gave me sleepless nights. Probably because most of peers, of both sexes, were equally indifferent to the issue of STD's. Hell, at that age, you believe you're impervious to outside influences and you'll live forever.
> 
> In any case, using an adolescent infidelity as a justification for marital infidelity is just er.. no!
> 
> 3) So let me get this right.. you and your wife went on a camping trip. You were subsequently inveigled into a pally drinking session (why didn't you wife go along too?) and when you returned for some wife-lurve, you found her comatose and sexually er.. compromised?
> 
> a) Why didn't she join you and your friends?
> b) What were the circumstances surrounding this alleged case of rape?
> c) Did this chair-snoozing guy tie her down and funnel moonshine down her?
> d) At what point did she/didn't she decide she'd had enough?
> e) Did she consider pursuing legal action against this rapist?
> 
> In short, is there ANY proof that she didn't consent? If your parents gave her a hard time, it's only because her track record with regards to extra-marital sexual liaisons is less than exemplary.
> 
> 4) I still don't understand why you keep letting her off the hook? She claims you're neglectful and consistently fail to give her the attention and support she needs. She then gets herself pregnant with another man and sacrifices it for the sake of good will - to show her commitment to you, no less. When you subsequently fail to reform (i.e. debase yourself completely), she 'punishes' you by having another affair. Thankfully though, her altruistic nature has won through when you observe the relative pain scales given that any pain you feel "..is nothing compared to all her pain".
> 
> **** test or no, such emotional manipulation is beyond absolution and frankly, I think you'd have to be crazy to consider any attempt to fix a relationship wherein so much systemic hate is present. As I stated before, it's one thing to overcome the colossal challenge of reconciliation, it's another challenge entirely to heal the scars of the past - too much has already been said and done.
> 
> 5) Speaking of insensitivity, am I correct in assuming that the 'other guy' in the hospital was a previous affair? I don't blame you for feeling indignant. If I had a wife and she invited an old flame to share our little intimate ultrasound moment, I'd be pretty miffed too. To have it further compounded by witnessing my daughter display affection for said worm, would make me livid too.
> 
> Anyway, I'm not sure if any of that's useful jarhead but maybe it has some cathartic value. As the old adage goes, "the first step to recovery is admitted there is a problem.". And I'm not referring to your chronic lack of self-esteem, I'm referring to your untenable marriage.




Thank you for the revamp. All was correct except the camping story. No worrys and we were not married at the time we were young about 19 20ish. And were not a couple due to a break up around that time. And we did not know anyone there other than two people and they had gone to be right before i had gone to get the truck.
that all is illrelevant as of now.


----------



## Applejuice

Well done Jarhead, it's great to see that you're starting to assert yourself. I'm still not convinced she's worth keeping but at least you're making an effort to take charge.

Keep us updated and if you feel that you're slipping or you just need some objective third part advice, be sure to leave a post. 

<high fives> :smthumbup:


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## jarhead

Thank you and will do.
Tomorrow will be the hardest part. I haven't seen here in two days and have to go to the house to repair my vehicle witch will take probably tomorrow and next day since I'm putting in a front wheel drive transmission. I will have to muster up a lot to not give in. After today though I know I have it in me. I'll post what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Muster up a lot to not give in to WHAT?


----------



## jarhead

turnera said:


> Muster up a lot to not give in to WHAT?


To not stay at house and back down to avoid conflict. I did a descent job I would say this weekend but her dad and family came down as a suorise for the weekend so that threw a wrench in things but also kind of helped things focus a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega

Wow,

My idea of an Omega male just got turned up a few notches. Or down, however you want to look at it...

BAM!


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> To not stay at house and back down to avoid conflict.


Don't you have a man in your life who you can talk to and ask for guidance, to avoid that?


----------



## jarhead

alphaomega said:


> Wow,
> 
> My idea of an Omega male just got turned up a few notches. Or down, however you want to look at it...
> 
> BAM!


Omega Male? What do you mean by this


----------



## jarhead

turnera said:


> Don't you have a man in your life who you can talk to and ask for guidance, to avoid that?


I do have a few people i can turn to but there is not currently someone i feel that would have objective view on everything and that atleast is old enough/ married long enough to trully consistantly turn to.

I also get very confused and have a very hard time explaining out the situation as i get very lost in what trully is relevant to whats needing to happen.

Ontop of that when i feel something has gone right or is feeling slighty better or any kind and it gets brought up or i will ask simply was ... the situation or action or day the change needed or a good day/showing i want this.

And yes i know people and me at times are against or asking why change myself or try for this but i do want this but im fighting at what needs changed or to be diffrent and what that means i will have to endure or are those changes things that will make me nolonger myself.


----------



## alphaomega

jarhead said:


> Omega Male? What do you mean by this


It means that you have so little respect for yourself and go leaps and bounds out of your way to hold onto those little scraps of what your wife "May" eventually throw your way.

She treats you with the worst possible disrespect and you sit there and seem to take it all in, and still think you need to give her your best....just in case she wants to scratch you behind your ears once in a while.

If you keep this up, it will never end. Everything will be turned into your fault...for whatever reasoning she wants to give you. It will go on forever.

Your soul will turn into a black, withered, dead husk of a shell.

Grab your self respect by the nuts. And lead it where it needs to go.


----------



## alphaomega

jarhead said:


> And yes i know people and me at times are against or asking why change myself or try for this but i do want this but im fighting at what needs changed or to be diffrent and what that means i will have to endure or are those *changes things that will make me nolonger mysel*f.


Well....?
Do you like how you are now? Comfortable on being your wife's doormat?

I think any change to you that makes you have more confidence and more self respect won't change you from yourself. It will make you a better, stronger, you. Why be afraid of those changes?


----------



## jarhead

At the very least how do I prove to myself I'm doing right when she does and say so much to say I'm not doing enough or doing anything to be part of family. 

Aldo just got her to admit she thinks I should be up and cleaning the house with her when I work till 2am or later each day. Be up at like 9 that is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

JC, just go to a therapist already, and tell him what you're telling us. If you don't believe us when we tell you you need to stop this, listen to a professional. He will tell you the same thing.

Nobody can make you have respect for yourself. I don't know what happened in your childhood that made you believe you have no rights, but you need to think about it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life a slave?


----------



## jarhead

Yes im going to a professional and that is helping. I might not be relaying what im trying to understand. I do get what is happening is wrong and im just giving in. 

I keep getting made to feel as all i do is wrong and i guess i cant seem to grasp how to trust in myself and not belive what is being said.


----------



## Applejuice

turnera said:


> ..I don't know what happened in your childhood that made you believe you have no rights, but you need to think about it...


That's a very interesting observation in itself. I often bury myself in reflection, attempting to ascertain what factors contributed to my becoming such a feeble character.

I know as a child, I was energetic, extravert, confident and optimistic but it all went to pot when I turned 13 and was packed off to boarding school. I suspect, as an only child to a doting, overprotective mother, I was always somehow shielded from the realities of life and it wasn't until I was exposed to relentless and systematic psychological erosion that I recognised that I wasn't adequately equipped to assert myself.

So I opted to become the house buffoon and humiliate myself as means of self preservation. In short, making people laugh or 'cheering them up' at my own expense seemed eminently preferable to a week of towel rail wedgies and post-prayer debags. Is it any wonder then, that the fear of ridicule, betrayal or scorn has determined my actions ever since.

I wouldn't for a minute presume that all those apparent 'apologists' who shy away from confrontation necessarily share a common upbringing but I would be very interested to know if, for example, there are many only-children amongst our ranks?


----------



## alte Dame

Your WW is abusive. It's hard to break yourself out of the mindset that an abuser creates in the abused. Keep going with the therapy. Stay on here and touch base with people to get the outside, healthier perspective.

For example, every single person here will tell you that her demands for you to clean the house after you've worked for 10 hours when she is a SAHM are completely, completely out of line. You need to have that reinforced until you start to really feel what is normal, until you stop doubting yourself.

Just try to have the confidence that when you think she is wrong, she is definitely wrong. The instincts in you that fight what she says are correct.

So, when she starts with you about the cleaning, you say, "I just came back from my job. It's time for you to do your job. I'm not doing it for you."

Please understand that I don't for a second think you should even stick around to have to use these strategies. I just think you will stay, so why not try to stick up for yourself while you are there?


----------



## Applejuice

jarhead said:


> Yes im going to a professional and that is helping. I might not be relaying what im trying to understand. I do get what is happening is wrong and im just giving in.
> 
> I keep getting made to feel as all i do is wrong and i guess i cant seem to grasp how to trust in myself and not belive what is being said.


Sorry about the brief derailment there Jarhead, I had to get it off my chest and into typeface. 

I know exactly how you feel because, like you, I'm essentially a 'Nice Guy'. I'm pleased to say that I'm partially reformed but it wasn't easy going and I'm by no means a complete individual in so far as, my aspirations are constantly hampered by self doubt but at least I'm no longer a doormat.

Seeing a professional is definitely a good start and hopefully he/she isn't just a social worker masquerading as a counselor. If you want my advice, it's imperative that you start to deconstruct that all-pervading sense of guilt and doubt. They're like appendices - they may have served a purpose during our paleolithic past but now they're just vestigial liabilities.

Maybe you confided too much in your beloved and you're afraid she'll use it ammunition against you or maybe you divested so much of your strength in her that you feel inadequate to the challenge of confronting her on equal terms. Just know this, no matter what happened before, the moment she slept with another man whilst still in wedlock, she forfeited her moral prerogative and left a vacuum which you're entitled to occupy.

Just learn to believe in yourself again remind yourself that life is really too short to waste on servitude.


----------



## Applejuice

alte Dame said:


> ..So, when she starts with you about the cleaning, you say, "I just came back from my job. It's time for you to do your job. I'm not doing it for you."
> 
> Please understand that I don't for a second think you should even stick around to have to use these strategies. I just think you will stay, so why not try to stick up for yourself while you are there?


Amen! Great advice, I second that!


----------



## jarhead

Ok i have taking your advice and inquired for 3 people near me one being my dad to help me stay focused, contact me atleast once a day to motivate/ keep me on track, and remind me i am doing the right thing. 

I am setting our spare room up for myself, getting a running vehicle that my daughter can be in safely ( i break my trucks playing), getting papers in hand, and getting my daily life in order. This is my starting point as an easy thing to jump start my focus and needs. 
Also i have printed out and will start reading the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" today.

I feel very good about this i just need to cary this strength and motivation out of my time at work ( alot stronger and focused on me at work and when away from my wife) and keep it going strong at home and in my daily life. 

I ask from everyone please any support, comments, advice, motivcation, and still same insight on what you see from my post's. 

Thank you all very much it has helped alot.


----------



## Applejuice

jarhead said:


> Ok i have taking your advice and inquired for 3 people near me one being my dad to help me stay focused, contact me atleast once a day to motivate/ keep me on track, and remind me i am doing the right thing.
> 
> I am setting our spare room up for myself, getting a running vehicle that my daughter can be in safely ( i break my trucks playing), getting papers in hand, and getting my daily life in order. This is my starting point as an easy thing to jump start my focus and needs.
> Also i have printed out and will start reading the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" today.
> 
> I feel very good about this i just need to cary this strength and motivation out of my time at work ( alot stronger and focused on me at work and when away from my wife) and keep it going strong at home and in my daily life.
> 
> I ask from everyone please any support, comments, advice, motivcation, and still same insight on what you see from my post's.
> 
> Thank you all very much it has helped alot.


Hey that's fantastic news Jarhead! I can sense a palpable change in your outlook too.. loving those positive adjectives!

I think your decision to invite your Dad to take an active part in your 'recovery' was a gold star moment and one you should maintain indefinitely. In my experience, Dad's love to feel useful and needed and no one will care more about your well-being than your 'rentals.

<high fives> :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera

That's great progress. So, in the meantime, I will suggest one thing. If you must communicate with her, promise me this. If she blames you for anything, from murder to spilling salt, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. 

DO NOT ENGAGE!

At this stage, you are such a wuss that you simply cannot compete with her. You need lots of male time, hanging out with men, men telling you what to say to her, what to do. You need the therapist convincing you that what she's doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG and that you need to stop what she's doing. You need to read the books. 

But you're not strong enough to attempt any of that yet, so just start small. Just keep saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." DO NOT agree to anything.


----------



## Applejuice

turnera said:


> ..DO NOT ENGAGE!
> 
> At this stage, you are such a wuss that you simply cannot compete with her. You need lots of male time, hanging out with men, men telling you what to say to her, what to do. You need the therapist convincing you that what she's doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG and that you need to stop what she's doing. You need to read the books.
> 
> But you're not strong enough to attempt any of that yet, so just start small. Just keep saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." DO NOT agree to anything.


Pahahaha... this is gospel and you'd do well to burn it into your synapses! 

[edit] If you recall, I mentioned that my best friend intervened on my behalf. He was the alpha male who convinced me that I didn't need to feel guilty. You really need to spend more time with some alpha males... have you any work mates or friends you admire? Take them to the local bar after work one evening and have a 'philosophical' conversation with them.


----------



## jarhead

Applejuice said:


> Pahahaha... this is gospel and you'd do well to burn it into your synapses!
> 
> [edit] If you recall, I mentioned that my best friend intervened on my behalf. He was the alpha male who convinced me that I didn't need to feel guilty. You really need to spend more time with some alpha males... have you any work mates or friends you admire? Take them to the local bar after work one evening and have a 'philosophical' conversation with them.


Thats funny you say that both my dad and my best friend are those things at time i feel a little over the top but they are what i need around.

The funny part is when i talk to them and they reasure what i say and think i should do or give me that advice to stand up. it turns to me being an a** or not caring about her.

Actually when i mentiong about her trying to OD when i left and went to a friends. I was at my best friends and he helped me hold to not going home and giving in. That to her was me not caring her and hurting her so bad, not being there for her, abandoning her when she begged for me to come home ( i should know if she begs that bad and with her menatl state/past, i should have just come home and comfort/ be there for her) but i didnt so she felt so alone and abondoned that she took the pills.


----------



## Applejuice

jarhead said:


> Thats funny you say that both my dad and my best friend are those things at time i feel a little over the top but they are what i need around.
> 
> The funny part is when i talk to them and they reasure what i say and think i should do or give me that advice to stand up. it turns to me being an a** or not caring about her.
> 
> Actually when i mentiong about her trying to OD when i left and went to a friends. I was at my best friends and he helped me hold to not going home and giving in. That to her was me not caring her and hurting her so bad, not being there for her, abandoning her when she begged for me to come home ( i should know if she begs that bad and with her menatl state/past, i should have just come home and comfort/ be there for her) but i didnt so she felt so alone and abondoned that she took the pills.


Bingo.. there you go buddie.. it's plainer than a Bulgarian pin-up! You need to listen more to your alpha-dad/mates!

That night, you won, but she didn't want you to know that so she played the 'You didn't care about me' card!

Stay strong, I know it feels strange and heartless.. but eventually, you'll see the pattern and laugh at your own stupidity.

I guarantee you as things start to turn your way, she'll try the desperate measure...

"I can't take it anymore, I'm going to off myself!"

Don't fall for it and whatever you do, don't feel responsible for her actions.

Anyone who loves himself/herself enough to gamble a marriage on an extra marital affair loves life too much to end it in a gas fired oven. Just don't answer.. what isn't said is as powerful as what IS said!  We're here for you bro and so are you friends and your parents


----------



## alphaomega

Just because she says it, doesn't make it true.

The same concept that just because there's a picture on the internet of a historical figure with a catchy slogan attached to it doesn't make it true, either.


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> The funny part is when i talk to them and they reasure what i say and think i should do or give me that advice to stand up. it turns to me being an a** or not caring about her.


I'm confused. Your dad and friends say you're being an ass, or SHE is saying you're being an ass?


----------



## Applejuice

turnera said:


> I'm confused. Your dad and friends say you're being an ass, or SHE is saying you're being an ass?


Yeah, I was confused by that too.. I just assumed he meant HE was being an ass for not dealing with it sooner.


----------



## jarhead

turnera said:


> I'm confused. Your dad and friends say you're being an ass, or SHE is saying you're being an ass?


Sorry about that trying to hide this webpage at work as best i can be a boss and employees constantly at my desk.

To her i am an a** after i talk to my friend or dad because when i get time with them and talk or just hang out and get back to a little bit of who i really am, standing up, holding my ground. 

what i relized just last week that opened my eyes some was...

i was staying at my parents that night i worked on our 4 runner untill my best friend picked me up to run errands with him no real talk about my problem..
(need to also add that night i didnt sleep my head turning and working on runner and i had my daughter with me at my parents house so couldnt sleep once she was up. My wife called and had my daughter picked up by a mutual female friend because they were picking my wife up on the way to the beach aqarium and saved me a drive/face time with wife. but that whole night i had talked some with my wife through text being comforting and supportive because she was feeling morning sickness and would wake up time to time and then texting with the same longer more full text messages) 

ok back to main point once my friend picked me up i stopped the long indepth texting. i still reponded in a timely fassion and was not rood just alot shorter quicker. later she said when im with him "im an a** and made her feel like she was just come chic" her words and ofcourse that came after trying to udnerstand why she felt that and still could not until i looked back at messages and saw the change from indept answers to short quick replys. 

To me im with a friend im busy and not fully focused on you not a huge deal she flat out stops talking to me at times when shes out or even just at home but doesnt feel like talking to me. but in her eyes im now rude, and a**, makes her feel unwanted and so on. 

Things like these recently that now for some reason i can finally see and call out in a nice mannar have opened my eyes so much to all of this. Also since i have been doing so i have seen some diffrence in her not totaly sure what that diffrence is but i can tell there is something.


----------



## Enginerd

jarhead said:


> Sorry about that trying to hide this webpage at work as best i can be a boss and employees constantly at my desk.
> 
> To her i am an a** after i talk to my friend or dad because when i get time with them and talk or just hang out and get back to a little bit of who i really am, standing up, holding my ground.
> 
> what i relized just last week that opened my eyes some was...
> 
> i was staying at my parents that night i worked on our 4 runner untill my best friend picked me up to run errands with him no real talk about my problem..
> (need to also add that night i didnt sleep my head turning and working on runner and i had my daughter with me at my parents house so couldnt sleep once she was up. My wife called and had my daughter picked up by a mutual female friend because they were picking my wife up on the way to the beach aqarium and saved me a drive/face time with wife. but that whole night i had talked some with my wife through text being comforting and supportive because she was feeling morning sickness and would wake up time to time and then texting with the same longer more full text messages)
> 
> ok back to main point once my friend picked me up i stopped the long indepth texting. i still reponded in a timely fassion and was not rood just alot shorter quicker. later she said when im with him "im an a** and made her feel like she was just come chic" her words and ofcourse that came after trying to udnerstand why she felt that and still could not until i looked back at messages and saw the change from indept answers to short quick replys.
> 
> To me im with a friend im busy and not fully focused on you not a huge deal she flat out stops talking to me at times when shes out or even just at home but doesnt feel like talking to me. but in her eyes im now rude, and a**, makes her feel unwanted and so on.
> 
> Things like these recently that now for some reason i can finally see and call out in a nice mannar have opened my eyes so much to all of this. Also since i have been doing so i have seen some diffrence in her not totaly sure what that diffrence is but i can tell there is something.


When a child is involved I would try to resolve most marriage issues but she is sleeping with someone in your house. Your marriage is over regardless of what you think. Have you no pride? She doesn't respect you and easily manipulates you by making you think you aren't meeting her needs. You mentioned morning sickness. How do you know she's having your baby? I am sorry you are going through this but you need grow a pair and take back your manhood.


----------



## jarhead

Enginerd said:


> How do you know she's having your baby? I am sorry you are going through this but you need grow a pair and take back your manhood.


So previously i mentioned she is not having my baby.. and also previously i have spoken about what steps im starting to take there not much yet but there i right direction. 

Dont mean to be rude there but what you asked was already covered as i appriciate the input please read through previous comments.


----------



## hookares

If my ex had decided to sleep in my bed with one of her studs, she would have been required to place a paper bag over his head once I got through with him in order to do so.


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> To her i am an a** after i talk to my friend or dad because when i get time with them and talk or just hang out and get back to a little bit of who i really am, standing up, holding my ground.


Well duh, did you think she would welcome you hearing from people who agree that she's a lying cheating wh*re?

SO WHAT if she thinks it? That's your whole problem, jarhead - this woman HAS NO RIGHT to criticize you. In fact, she probably WANTS you to put your foot down - like men SHOULD - and is mad at you for being such a wuss.

Tell me: do YOU think she should criticize you?


----------



## jarhead

so with two failed attempts to respond to posts and simply post. (phone doesnt like me right now) i have lost alot of what i was trying to say.

do i think i should be criticised no i do not belive i should be. i do think that things that bother my wife or she thinks are really worth point out should be adressed and talked over but in no way i feel me or anyone deserves to be constantly reminded or told what there doing wrong. Also alot of things being pointed out are not that big. So i didnt do this or that. Or like this morning my daughter needed to have nice cloths on for a meeting. I went and grabbed nicest pants she had in closet and was going to grab new shirts my wife bought her the day before. went in the room to ask if these pants were ok and got something along the lines of i want her in something nice and her new shirts, " why dont you go clean the dog run" ( my outside chore that i put off alot because of other things she wants to do or that i have pounded she wants help with or i should be helping with) she will get her dressed. SO i went and did the dog run because my job and yeah gave in. but guess what who ended up dressing her.. me. but also my wife ended up asking for the same pants i had grabed and now put back because she just was going to get her dressed.


Sorry little rant. i have alos been posting in coping with infidelity- post needing to understand and move forward. please read if you have time gives more things i have been feeling and trying to understand. 

things are kinda moving forward but back wards i reall dont know. I have more support from my best friend and dad today so it has helped cure a very anxiety filled hard day coping.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

None of your wife's opinions of you matter while she's sleeping with another man IN YOUR HOUSE. The woman does not give a flying f... about you if she can do that. You are being controlled.

If someone punches you in the face and then calls you an @ss for anything you do thereafter, do you really care??

Seriously, CUT her off. She's acidic.


----------



## jarhead

OK i can't do this anymore until you can commit to not talking to Steven and seeing him and willing to work on us I can't go on. You want me to see your attempts and show you affection but still have him in the picture I can't do it. 

GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING


----------



## WorkingOnMe

You did the right thing. I'm 100% sure Jared. Now would be the time to tell her you won't be raising another man's baby either.


----------



## BookOfJob

Jarhead, in a situation like yours, unfortunately (as I was in it too), you need to pack up and leave her. You cool off a bit, take the daughter with you.

In the process she will wake up from her dream of (a love storm with the other man), and maybe you will be able to see her clearly for what a cheating and dishonorable woman she is.

At the end, you may be able to decide what's best for you, daughter, and life in general.

ps. it hurts like hell for 'a short time', but it's not like 'it hurts a little but forever'.


----------



## jarhead

Im scared i did the wrong thing. whats going to hapen next. i am recieving messages of blindsiding her, she gave up and did everything for me, im selfish, she gave up two babys for me and i didnt respect her. 

i told her i asked her for one thing to be faithful and you couldnt. and i cant be the support you want and need while your pregnant with his baby. i cant im dieing insdie. you chose him ebcause i could be enough when i was devistated and i still am. 

i told you i needed to better myself and you met that with im being selfish. 

i cant be that strong support you need with him in the picture. ive been trying tor ever to be that and its obvious i cant do it.


she responded f you.. i cannot belive you right now. i killed my babys for you and you didnt even respect me at all!!!

see you did make me do that and no u were never going to let it be ok.. i did not fing choose anone i chose you time and time again but i needed to be loved too and wanted to be reminded im cared about too... when do you ever let me sleep or take care of me! i take care of everyone one always.
ur asking me to give 100% when you cant give me 2%


----------



## jarhead

Her- I had no one absolutely no one and u were supposed to be there u were supposed to protect me and u didn't...what ask I supposed to do!!!!!!!.how do I give everything to someone who doesn't bother with our relationship...I did for forever and look tried to kill myself when u weren't there and abandoned me!!! Why cuz u are my world but u do this everything its about u...

Me-I don't think you see the pain and hurt the affair has caused.

Me-My fault for hiding it but you saw my pain and sadness as not trying or not caring or not enough


Her- So ****ing what does me trying to kill myself not ****ing matter or killing my babies!! U don't know what pain even is...ur parents screaming how horrible of a person I am and u just standing there

Her- I hate you burn in hell!! How could you, seriosuly get the **** over it I killed my child for you and to save us and you say this hurts more **** off

Her- You have me and am here and trying every day to get thru this life that u have put me thru and continue a relationship with one of the most ungrateful and selfish person I know

Her- the other issue is your mother!!!


----------



## jarhead

Also i am at work still 13 hour day today. she at home.


----------



## MyTurn

jarhead,
good for you.Now go dark , do the 180.
When you go home do not talk to her, unless it's necessary.
if so, always answer with yes or no . Do not engage in a conversastion.if she goes all crazy at you ,just answer in a very calm
voice : sorry you feel that way. then turn around and leave the room.


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> I'm scared i did the wrong thing.
> 
> she responded f you. I cannot believe you right now. I killed my babies for you and you didn't even respect me at all!!!


She killed her babies for you? Good grief. 

She 'killed her babies' for YOUR MONEY.

She doesn't need to be married. She needs to be a call girl.


----------



## turnera

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"We have nothing left to discuss."

"I'm making plans for divorce."


----------



## arbitrator

*Drop her like a hot rock. Not only is she overtly hurting you, but she is also covertly hurting the OM, although he may not yet realize it.

My guess? She just wants to hurt men ... just so long as she can somehow continue to keep her vagina occupied!*


----------



## Dad&Hubby

WOW!!

Jarhead, your WW has REAL and significant issues. I hate saying this but some people just aren't marriage material. Your wife is one of them.


----------



## turnera

jarhead said:


> Also i am at work still 13 hour day today. she at home.


She doesn't work?


----------



## alte Dame

Your WW is seriously messed up, jarhead. Spending your time listening to the insane, twisted logic of crazy people can indeed make you a bit crazy.

Your instincts are those of a basically sane person. Stop buying into what she says. Her view of things is nuts. She is taking you through the looking glass with her.

Try your hardest to not respond with any substance. Do what turnera suggests - "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Don't feed the beast.


----------



## jarhead

So after a long talk with her last night (she was at my work when I got off) I found out a couple things her abandonment issues run very very deep. As deep for her openly say when "I left her" any time I am jot there when she needs or wants me or in case of lastnight I "left her" because I told her we had to leave my work and couldn't talk there anymore and I got in my truck and left to the place I told her to meet down the road. Secondly she only goes to OM because he hasn't "left her" and she uses sex with him as a means of keeping him around. 

Now o don't full understand what is all going on in that thinking and mind set. But I know that she needs help I can not give. 

Last night I made huge steps forward and made the point known I no longer can go on with this all happening. I will say I did give in and now down during our talk all night and into morning. But I must say for once in Idk how long I did stand my ground on 90% of what was said or simple agjolidged her feelings and moved on. There is a whole lot more that was said and that I am so lost in but I do not have time yet to out that on here.

I know I did not do all I should and gave in to some as I always do but I will say even spending the morning with her shopping picking up daughter from grandmas and even her getting me a lunch ready for work. I was posative in myself, happy as can be, felt like a human again, I finally am gaining some part of me back. It also may somewhat come from her final addmitence of what she had done and that it was very very wrong with pain in every word and I saw it on her fave all day. It helped to see she felt at least somewhat remorseful. I know that little bit changes nothing but it is good to see.

Also she over and over again said her affair in very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done. 
I did hold true on the fact of no matter what I still didn't deserve it and she agreed and but I did play a part in her doing it by pushing her away and making her feel she had to turn to someone else

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## jarhead

So I do not believed in played a part on her choosing the affair. Not at all her choice not mine. I made it clear to her many times. 
I also in an angry outburst finally expressed some if the basic things like have him at house or sleep in our bed and so on. That were disrespect and complete bullish** . That those made me feel unwanted in my own home and feel like she didn't give two sh**s about me. 

And when she would point things out that mad no logical sense at all I would say nothing just let her rant. 

Her big thing also was since I "so called loved her so much" I should see when she needs me and I should comfort her and just hug her. This would then follow with a moment of long crying and to me attempts to make me hug and comfort her. I did do it twice while we were away from the house to calm her and get her to go to house so we could talk there, and in my head to see where my daughter was because was not with my wife and so the drive she had to take would at least distract her some to come out of her angry some. My daughter had gotten dropped off earlier in the day at grandmas. 

When we got home things were fishy about not wanting to go inside or when almost home she suggested stopping at store for bread for my lunch the next day. It was about 5am at the time and jot going inside was to not wake the roommate that had to be up at 7. So I made a reason to go inside and I quickly searched and found no one (thought maybe OM was there) and also told me on a text on way to house that I didnt need to come home our daugyher wasn't there. 

So yes I'm seeing a lot clearer now and can pull out the truth in her words a lot better. 
This I feel is because I'm learning and since I fast my worse fear of loosing her I now am a lot more at peace with the fact of I'll do what I need and no longer fear loosing her. 

The reason I cave in is because 
1- I know I have done wrongs like letting her get beat down by my parents using things they didn't know about and pasts of my wife's life they didn't know (my wife was raped when she was in highschool by a boyfriend) I'm jot sure if me standing by doing nothing to stop the yelling and verbal attack from my parents when I saw my wife was being hurt by it and not being able to handle it was wrong for me to do, I know I felt bad after it all happened 

2- she explains in detail her feelings, my actions that hurt her, examples and its so much I can't keep the train of thought in my head gong to understand let alone filter the truth out and I get angry and don't want to lash out or loose control so I say fine your right or fall silent and beat myself up inside for not being able to understand why I did what she said or why I can't find the way to see I didn't do that to her.

3- I simple reach a point of f-it I don't care anymore and tune out and zone out. To the point I block out my pain, guilt, feelings and simple give in to stop the topic 

Last night I did my best to stay calm listen and filter truth. So I could respond only what I needed to and to attempt to show the flaw in what she said

Last thing back to the simple hug me and assure .e its a going to be OK. When she did this while we were in our room on our bed this was because roommate was now up. She got upset and started crying and shaking her foot from anxiety normal for her to do and that to her should trigger me to hug and hold her at the least. 
Here is where I felt bad for doing this sort of and don't know if it was right. When she started to cry and put the trigger of now come hold me I rolled my head onto my pillow on the other side of bed and started to "cry" enough to know she heard it. And continued to ask her to come hug me and hold me. This was all to see if what she wanted me to do when I was hurting was something she could do for me when She was hurting. Kind of OK shoe on other foot. No responce form her at all at this point I had actually broken Dow. From everything but pulled together and rolled over to see if she was still awake and push harder to get her to hug me. When I rolled over she had her ears covered and I tapped her shoulder and told her I had been "begging her to hug me" and she then said she had her ears plugged so she didn't her me anymore I believe she said because I was angry and being mean. 

I don't know what to make of that because rest of day even after " time to go get our daughter and get stating I didn't need to go with but I did so I could see my daughter" nothing I did or said would grant a hug started by her. She even once said she couldn't because I scared her. She had moved to sitting on floor against wall and said something to spark anger And hurt that I sat up in anger and started to shake my finger saying don't you dare.. the. Caught myself half way to sitting up and I laid back down and collected myself back to calm and in control. When she then said " what are you going to do hit me" 

I then stood up to grab pants and leave. She responded what going to leave me again.
I told her if she goes to that and saying I might hit her I was gone won't play that game. 

All was fine and I'm still in good place tonight. Had to get some off my chest. I can't understand people not wanting to continue writing and helping because I go back or fall down and I get it. Stop if you feel the need I am strong and can get through all this just need some help if I can get it and clarity of things from others to keep me strong and believing.


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## turnera

jarhead said:


> Also she over and over again said *her affair is very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her* over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done.


jarhead, until you can realize, and make HER realize that the above statement is a BIG FREAKIN' PILE OF HOOEY, you two will never have a chance.

YOUR actions have NOTHING to do with her decision to cheat. 
OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.


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## turnera

jarhead, you have a long way to go to understand this one simple rule:

Women need strong men, or else women will cheat.

You have been weak, you have apologized, you have accepted her horrible actions, you have allowed her to stomp all over her. Therefore, she CANNOT CARE FOR YOU.

Are you ready to stop being this big pile of hooey that she walks all over?


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