# Do I think sex is too important?



## Rlc307

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and he's never really had the sex drive that I have, but previously it was manageable. 

I'd love to have sex every other day but up until around 4 years ago we would have sex 2-3 times a week and it was a great balance. 

Now he only wants it once a week at the most, sometimes as little as twice a month. We have had numerous conversations about this to the point where I just want to explode in tears. I don't understand and wonder if I'm just wrong. He's a great husband and works hard. 

We are like best friends. He's a year and a half into the funeral business, doing an apprenticeship and obviously he does get stressed but this started before this new job venture, like I said about 4 years ago. We have a 13 and 14 year old but to be honest the kids aren't really stressful. 

They are busy but they are extremely easy going kids who just pretty much do what they are expected of. It's not exactly like he isn't affectionate....I have anxiety and he rubs my back every night, loves to cuddle and spend time together at home. He puts in just as much effort around the house that I do. 

But just does not want sex as much as I do. When I ask why he doesn't initiate it much anymore he says it's because we are both tired, or it's because if I have a headache or don't feel good he doesn't want to "be an @sshole and ask for it." We have gotten in arguments over it and he swears he is attracted to me. Calls me beautiful everyday. I don't think he's cheating and I've never seen him watch porn.

But really, I just do not feel wanted anymore in that department. Not only does he rarely initiate sex, but he rarely ever asks me on a date, or asks me to do anything outside of the house together. It's been like this since we have gotten married and when I question that he just replies with either "I've had a long day" or "it's not that I don't want to do anything, I'm just a ****ty husband in that department and don't think about it." I need some romance in my life and I just need to feel wanted. 

He doesn't understand it because he is wanted and could literally have it with me whenever he wanted. I'm 32 years old and he's 37 and I just feel like we are too young for this kind of lack in sex and outings. About 2 months ago a new issue has come up. He either can't get hard or goes soft during sex. I've been trying to educate myself on ED and he said for his age it's completely normal and he can just go get pills, no big deal. He doesn't act like it's a big deal (which I am glad because I know it can hurt a man's self esteem). 

But I don't know....I'm starting to just think that I'm the issue. Maybe it's not ED. It's just so frustrating. I used to get so excited when we had a free, kidless moment. Now it doesn't even matter. Kids are at marching band practice for 3 hours tonight and I decided to go on a walk and write this because he's not going to initiate any sex. Woopdeedoo.


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## Prodigal

Sex is not "too important" if it's important to you. Apparently, your husband doesn't share the same drive/interest in sex. It also sounds like he's stressed out by work. I'm sure that dampens his desire.

There are folks here who are in HD/LD marriages. I'm sure they'll be along shortly to give you ideas/insights/advice. As with many issues in marriage, it's all about compromise. Have you considered setting up a date night where just the two of you could go out to dinner and get reconnected? Do you think he'd be up for that?

The thing is, repeatedly talking about unresolved issues doesn't resolve them. It may clear the air some, but it takes action to make real changes. Would he be agreeable to some MC? Maybe you two need a third party to help with this.


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## MattMatt

@Rlc307 have his testosterone levels been tested?

Also, if that is your real name it might be better to change it to an anonymous user name?

I'm tagging @EleGirl in who is site admin and can change your name if you want.


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## Rlc307

I have set up dates. He doesn't oppose to them but that's my issue...It's up to me to do. It's up to me to ask if he wants to go out and do something. He only plans a date after a few months and me getting upset about it lol.
We have talked about MC but our insurance doesn't cover it.


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## Tilted 1

Rlc307, you wrote ". Calls me beautiful everyday. I don't think he's cheating and I've never seen him watch porn". How do you know this is true.

Exactly what does swearing mean, neither are children. How can you confirm this outside of his words.


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## Rlc307

His T levels have never been tested. I've kind of wondered about that though. I kind of thought if they were low that men usually don't want sex at all. Maybe that is it. It's just very odd. He can flirt with me all day and then turn on the tv like it's nothing at bedtime.
It's not my full name but maybe I can change it😂


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## Rlc307

Tilted 1 said:


> Rlc307, you wrote ". Calls me beautiful everyday. I don't think he's cheating and I've never seen him watch porn". How do you know this is true.
> 
> Exactly what does swearing mean, neither are children. How can you confirm this outside of his words.


We have lived together for almost 9 years. I've never seen him watch any kind of porn. I've even asked him if he wants to watch it and his reaction is pretty much, "meh." He has told me that he watched it before he met me but says he didn't feel the need to watch it after we met. I really do not think he watches any porn. I mean he just doesn't seem interested in it at all.
How do I know he's not cheating on me? I mean if you want to get technical I guess nobody actually knows and it's very easy to get away with it. I have joked around on him a few times that this career path he has chosen would enable him to cheat easily if he wanted to since people don't die from 9-5 and sometimes his schedule is pretty wacky and random. He does take trips for work but he takes those as extra income to pay off a debt that we have and I see the money. And when the opportunity for these trips arises, he gets a phone call from his boss. I really just do not think he's cheating on me. I think he just takes as much work as possible.


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## BioFury

Rlc307 said:


> He doesn't understand it because he is wanted and could literally have it with me whenever he wanted. I'm 32 years old and he's 37 and I just feel like we are too young for this kind of lack in sex and outings. About 2 months ago a new issue has come up. He either can't get hard or goes soft during sex. I've been trying to educate myself on ED and *he said for his age it's completely normal* and he can just go get pills, no big deal. He doesn't act like it's a big deal (which I am glad because I know it can hurt a man's self esteem).
> 
> But I don't know....I'm starting to just think that I'm the issue. Maybe it's not ED. It's just so frustrating. I used to get so excited when we had a free, kidless moment. Now it doesn't even matter. Kids are at marching band practice for 3 hours tonight and I decided to go on a walk and write this because he's not going to initiate any sex. Woopdeedoo.


That is not anywhere near normal.

Unless you're obese, you're not the issue. So don't go down that road in your head. Your husband needs to have his T levels checked, and get on T replacement/supplement therapy.

Assuming of course, that he's not neck-deep in porn, or having an affair. Have you checked the internet history on his phone and computer? See if there's anything there.


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## Tilted 1

Thanks, for the reply. As strange as it could be maybe he is having some anxiety issues with his new trade. It could be stress induced causing him difficulty in life, seeing it through a different view.


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## Rlc307

BioFury said:


> Rlc307 said:
> 
> 
> 
> He doesn't understand it because he is wanted and could literally have it with me whenever he wanted. I'm 32 years old and he's 37 and I just feel like we are too young for this kind of lack in sex and outings. About 2 months ago a new issue has come up. He either can't get hard or goes soft during sex. I've been trying to educate myself on ED and *he said for his age it's completely normal* and he can just go get pills, no big deal. He doesn't act like it's a big deal (which I am glad because I know it can hurt a man's self esteem).
> 
> But I don't know....I'm starting to just think that I'm the issue. Maybe it's not ED. It's just so frustrating. I used to get so excited when we had a free, kidless moment. Now it doesn't even matter. Kids are at marching band practice for 3 hours tonight and I decided to go on a walk and write this because he's not going to initiate any sex. Woopdeedoo.
> 
> 
> 
> That is not anywhere near normal.
> 
> Unless you're obese, you're not the issue. So don't go down that road in your head. Your husband needs to have his T levels checked, and get on T replacement/supplement therapy.
> 
> Assuming of course, that he's not neck-deep in porn, or having an affair. Have you checked the internet history on his phone and computer? See if there's anything there.
Click to expand...

He doesn't have a computer any longer but I will check his phone somehow. We usually don't go through each other's phones but maybe I need to. Neither of us have locks on them. But like I said above I just do not think he's interested in porn, although I know that and an affair is often the first thought when these kinds of things happen. 
I'm not obese. I'm about 20lbs overweight and my weight has fluctuated up and down within those 20lbs since we have been together. But it's hard not to go down that road because I am very hard on myself and my self image. I've never experienced not feeling wanted sexually with any other past relationship.


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## uhtred

Sex is very important to some people, and mismatched sex drives in a relationship can be a huge problem (as some of us here know). 

For an interesting perspective look at the asexuality.org site. It doesn't sound like he is actually asexal, but it will give some idea of how much different peole's sex drives differ.

This is important, so don't just let it drop.


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## BioFury

Rlc307 said:


> He doesn't have a computer any longer but I will check his phone somehow. We usually don't go through each other's phones but maybe I need to. Neither of us have locks on them. But like I said above I just do not think he's interested in porn, although I know that and an affair is often the first thought when these kinds of things happen.
> I'm not obese. I'm about 20lbs overweight and my weight has fluctuated up and down within those 20lbs since we have been together. But it's hard not to go down that road because I am very hard on myself and my self image. I've never experienced not feeling wanted sexually with any other past relationship.


I understand that it's hard not to doubt yourself, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But if he's not even interested in porn, where the women are as fit as anyone could ever want, your weight isn't the issue.

_His_ weight on the other hand, could be the issue. If I recall, excess weight on men hampers testosterone production, and increases the storage of estrogen.


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## EleGirl

Rlc307 said:


> His T levels have never been tested. I've kind of wondered about that though. I kind of thought if they were low that men usually don't want sex at all. Maybe that is it. It's just very odd. He can flirt with me all day and then turn on the tv like it's nothing at bedtime.
> It's not my full name but maybe I can change it😂


If you want to change your name, let me know what name you want. I'll change it for you.


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## aine

Rlc307 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 6 years and he's never really had the sex drive that I have, but previously it was manageable.
> 
> I'd love to have sex every other day but up until around 4 years ago we would have sex 2-3 times a week and it was a great balance.
> 
> Now he only wants it once a week at the most, sometimes as little as twice a month. We have had numerous conversations about this to the point where I just want to explode in tears. I don't understand and wonder if I'm just wrong. He's a great husband and works hard.
> 
> We are like best friends. He's a year and a half into the funeral business, doing an apprenticeship and obviously he does get stressed but this started before this new job venture, like I said about 4 years ago. We have a 13 and 14 year old but to be honest the kids aren't really stressful.
> 
> They are busy but they are extremely easy going kids who just pretty much do what they are expected of. It's not exactly like he isn't affectionate....I have anxiety and he rubs my back every night, loves to cuddle and spend time together at home. He puts in just as much effort around the house that I do.
> 
> But just does not want sex as much as I do. When I ask why he doesn't initiate it much anymore he says it's because we are both tired, or it's because if I have a headache or don't feel good he doesn't want to "be an @sshole and ask for it." We have gotten in arguments over it and he swears he is attracted to me. Calls me beautiful everyday. I don't think he's cheating and I've never seen him watch porn.
> 
> But really, I just do not feel wanted anymore in that department. Not only does he rarely initiate sex, but he rarely ever asks me on a date, or asks me to do anything outside of the house together. It's been like this since we have gotten married and when I question that he just replies with either "I've had a long day" or "it's not that I don't want to do anything, I'm just a ****ty husband in that department and don't think about it." I need some romance in my life and I just need to feel wanted.
> 
> He doesn't understand it because he is wanted and could literally have it with me whenever he wanted. I'm 32 years old and he's 37 and I just feel like we are too young for this kind of lack in sex and outings. About 2 months ago a new issue has come up. He either can't get hard or goes soft during sex. I've been trying to educate myself on ED and he said for his age it's completely normal and he can just go get pills, no big deal. He doesn't act like it's a big deal (which I am glad because I know it can hurt a man's self esteem).
> 
> But I don't know....I'm starting to just think that I'm the issue. Maybe it's not ED. It's just so frustrating. I used to get so excited when we had a free, kidless moment. Now it doesn't even matter. Kids are at marching band practice for 3 hours tonight and I decided to go on a walk and write this because he's not going to initiate any sex. Woopdeedoo.



I am going with the common TAM response, he could well be having an affair. 

Do NOT ask him, do not put him on notice. Start to moniter his movements, social media, etc. If possible put a VAR in his car. The lack of interest, the too tired bs, the ED, it is likely that he may be getting his needs met else where. If you feel something in your gut, then your gut is more than often right. Sex seemed to be much better earlier on, when did it do down hill?
Rule that out first but please DO NOT say anything to him.


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## Spicy

Definitely have his T-levels checked, that could be your answer to most of this.
Also, most wives don’t know if their husbands have a porn addiction, until they snoop.
I would rule out these two things.


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## EllisRedding

Get a full hormonal panel done. Low Testosterone, Thyroid issues, etc... no only cause libido issues, but will cause ED issues, depression, lethargy, lack of confidence etc... (I assume he isn't on any sort of AD medication?). If he is having ED issues, that has a HUGE impact on his psyche 

Now keep in mind, as you come to this forum, usually a lot of folks respond based on their own personal experiences (many of which may not be too pleasant). Please keep this in mind. I can say for myself, I pretty much had zero interest in sex for the past few years or so (for a variety of reasons, but one was hormonal issues). Once I got the hormonal issues addressed and discussed the other issues with my W, things have never been better. I have never had a porn problem, I have never cheated, etc... I am sure if my W had come to the forum, folks here would have convinced her I was a cheating porno maniac. I only say this b/c be somewhat careful with your approach. I get maybe doing a little snooping around, but putting a recording device in your SOs car without even a shred of evidence or essentially accusing him of cheating could cause more harm than good. Talk to him about getting bloodwork done, keep the line of communication open, make it crystal clear to him how important a healthy sex life is, how you want to be dated, etc... Work from there. If other things start popping up that raise some questions, than dig a little further.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

At this age if he hasn't had a good physical he needs to, including the bloodwork, including testing T levels.

My last standard bloodwork from physical included the T testing btw.

Good benchmarks for his, and yours, health going forward are very important to set about his age, and yours. 

Good luck!


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## MattMatt

Rlc307 said:


> His T levels have never been tested. I've kind of wondered about that though. I kind of thought if they were low that men usually don't want sex at all. Maybe that is it. It's just very odd. He can flirt with me all day and then turn on the tv like it's nothing at bedtime.
> It's not my full name but maybe I can change it😂


Reach out to @EleGirl who can change it for you.


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## wilson

If your genders were reversed, your story would be common in many marriages. The man often wants more sex, has to initiate intimacy, and the woman is often more indifferent. And I think it's average to have sex about 1-2 times per week. So on the face of it, your situation is not all that uncommon except for the switched genders. (this is just a generalization. Lots of marriages are also like yours where the woman has a higher need for intimacy).

Fortunately, it is often easier to increase desire in men. It often can be improved through medical means, such as adding hormones, addressing depression issues, reducing stress, etc. But it's often the case that sex just isn't as important to some men. 

There may be things that can be done to increase his desire for sex, but that may not translate into more romantic gestures like planning dates. Even in marriages where the man has a high desire for sex, he doesn't necessarily plan romantic getaways or anything. A common complaint from women is that their partner's idea of foreplay is saying "wannadoit?".

One simple thing you can do to help feel more connected is to increase non-sexual intimacy. For example, go to bed at the same time and fall asleep in each other's arms. In the morning, spend some time lying together. Sit near each other. Hold hands. and so on. If that improves your sex life, great!, but that's not necessarily the point. Having that closeness can help you feel more connected and emotionally fulfilled as you work on this issue. It's clear in your post that this situation is causing a lot of frustration, which can make improving it more difficult. If you can approach it from a loving perspective, you will have more success.

Fundamentally, it seems the core problem is that you have different personalities. He's probably never going to be the kind of person who wants to do lots of stuff outside the house, go on dates, be romantic, etc. And likely you will never be the kind of person who would just want to stay at home, have intimacy just occasionally, etc. So if you want to stay together, you'll both have to compromise. You'll need to find someplace in the middle. Neither of you can have the attitude "I'm right and you have to change to be more like me." Rather, you have to have the attitude "This is who we are. How can we change so that we're both happy and have a life-long relationship."


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Your husband needs to understand that you are an absolute dream wife for millions of men. He needs to address this issue if he's at all committed to you.


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## uhtred

Its very unlikely you are the issue. Some men have very little interest in sex - its not talked about much, but it happens and its really miserable fro their partners. 

Most men do not lose interest in their wives. (I've been married >30 years and I am still extremely attracted to my wife - if only the reverse were true). 

Was he actively attacted to you in the past, or did he just sort of go along with sex? 




Rlc307 said:


> snip
> 
> But I don't know....I'm starting to just think that I'm the issue. Maybe it's not ED. It's just so frustrating. I used to get so excited when we had a free, kidless moment. Now it doesn't even matter. Kids are at marching band practice for 3 hours tonight and I decided to go on a walk and write this because he's not going to initiate any sex. Woopdeedoo.


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## MovingForward

Work stress, age, testosterone/hormone levels, sleep can all have an effect.

Work stress and lack of sleep can take me from HD to very LD


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## Rlc307

THANK YOU ALL for the wonderful responses! I certainly appreciate all of them. It's nice to see so many points of view here. I guess I didn't provide much of a back story here but I think I might have the answers to my questions, or I hope so at least. This will be long and I am sorry but I feel like it's therapeutic.
Back in 2017 we went through a really bad time where things just came to a head. I had found out that he was lying about quite a few things and we separated. And it's hard to explain this without making him look like a total loser. I mean, he was being a loser but I have come to understand things and I have moved past it.

We grew up quite differently. My parents divorced and I had learned how to run a household at a young age. I also had my children at 18 and 19 and I was a single mom for a bit and I was absolutely obsessed with having my **** together. Most independent people have very high expectations of themselves and are very afraid of any kind of failure. I was very tightly wound and the slightest incident like him paying a utility bill late just set me off into an explosion. 
He on the other hand grew up in one house, one set of parents in a happy neighborhood. His dad had a nice career and his mom never worked. Didn't have any responsibility, mom and dad spoiled him and his sister to the point where his sister still lives at home in her 30s with her child and cannot function as an adult and they do not expect anything of her. I did not know the extent of all of this until we married. So basically you've got someone who had experience being on their own with someone who never had to. He had a lot to learn.
Fast forward to 2017, after a lot of clashes between us because of the above he loses his job and lies about it. Acted as if he was going to work and just used his retirement for income. And the lying snowballed out of control because he couldn't handle what he had become (he is the provider type) and because of my expectations he couldn't handle anything, really. I kicked him out and he decided to try trucking school as a career change and absolutely hated it and quit...but lied about that too and for weeks he claimed his CDL was coming in the mail. I mean it was so bad, I am not going to lie. He was a straight up coward and I was done. He was a lost person in a dark place who didn't know who the hell he was. We were done and separated but yet he still continued to pay the utilities here without me asking. 
Somehow he managed to get a job at this funeral home and he made a complete 180. He loves his job and it gave him a gigantic boost of confidence. He called me one day absolutely crying and came clean about all the lying he had done how sorry he was for what he had put me and the kids through. He came clean with a lot of stuff and has put so much effort into helping to run this household and we have overcome so much, it's crazy. He really redeemed himself and he is turning into the man he wants to be and is going to school and works very hard. I have also learned how to chill out and what's really worth getting mad over. I did not lower my standards but learned that it's not worth having an explosion over small things. Patience is something I had to learn. Some might say that they would never take anyone back for lying like that and I normally wouldn't but I know why he did it. It's not an excuse for him but he was caught up in wanting to achieve something that he didn't know how to do. Some men just freak the hell out when they aren't being as productive as they feel they need to be and he did. And I'm actually glad this all happened because we have a new understanding of eachother. We are so much closer and can communicate much better than before.
BUT for some reason we have a hard time communicating about this issue that I posted about. I have gone through a lot here with growing and very slowly learning to trust him again. Of course naturally when this happened with the lying I thought he was cheating and I went through a gigantic rabbit hole of constantly looking at the phone records, paying for premium Spokeo type accounts to look up every single number in the phone records. I couldn't function at my job very well and this absolutely just took over my brain for months. Driving by his parents or wherever to see if he was really there. I don't have the gut feeling that he is cheating now and I just do not want to go down that rabbit hole again because it was awful. It made me sick and it will absolutely demolish what we have overcome.To be honest I think if he wanted to be with another woman he would just leave because we are equals at this house. We have proved to eachother with what happened in the past that we do not have to be together, we have chosen to be together. We now both make the same amount of income and there would be no reason for him to stay here if he wanted another woman. He is much more independent now. I think juggling two women with how busy he is right now would stress him out.
I'm going to have a conversation about all of this with him, maybe tonight. It has been quite a few years since he's gotten a physical. He has put on a little weight over the last year and I'm wondering about the low T. I think stress has had a major factor on our sex life over the years for obvious reasons. I feel like things will get better overtime when things have slowed down and we have more private time together. When he is done with school (yes he is actually enrolled in school) that will take some stress off. But I watched my parents get bored with eachother and quit acting like a couple and I don't want that for myself. Boredom scares me and maybe that's why I posted in this forum😍


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Rlc307 said:


> THANK YOU ALL for the wonderful responses! I certainly appreciate all of them. It's nice to see so many points of view here. I guess I didn't provide much of a back story here but I think I might have the answers to my questions, or I hope so at least. This will be long and I am sorry but I feel like it's therapeutic.
> Back in 2017 we went through a really bad time where things just came to a head. I had found out that he was lying about quite a few things and we separated. And it's hard to explain this without making him look like a total loser. I mean, he was being a loser but I have come to understand things and I have moved past it.
> 
> We grew up quite differently. My parents divorced and I had learned how to run a household at a young age. I also had my children at 18 and 19 and I was a single mom for a bit and I was absolutely obsessed with having my **** together. Most independent people have very high expectations of themselves and are very afraid of any kind of failure. I was very tightly wound and the slightest incident like him paying a utility bill late just set me off into an explosion.
> He on the other hand grew up in one house, one set of parents in a happy neighborhood. His dad had a nice career and his mom never worked. Didn't have any responsibility, mom and dad spoiled him and his sister to the point where his sister still lives at home in her 30s with her child and cannot function as an adult and they do not expect anything of her. I did not know the extent of all of this until we married. So basically you've got someone who had experience being on their own with someone who never had to. He had a lot to learn.
> Fast forward to 2017, after a lot of clashes between us because of the above he loses his job and lies about it. Acted as if he was going to work and just used his retirement for income. And the lying snowballed out of control because he couldn't handle what he had become (he is the provider type) and because of my expectations he couldn't handle anything, really. I kicked him out and he decided to try trucking school as a career change and absolutely hated it and quit...but lied about that too and for weeks he claimed his CDL was coming in the mail. I mean it was so bad, I am not going to lie. He was a straight up coward and I was done. He was a lost person in a dark place who didn't know who the hell he was. We were done and separated but yet he still continued to pay the utilities here without me asking.
> Somehow he managed to get a job at this funeral home and he made a complete 180. He loves his job and it gave him a gigantic boost of confidence. He called me one day absolutely crying and came clean about all the lying he had done how sorry he was for what he had put me and the kids through. He came clean with a lot of stuff and has put so much effort into helping to run this household and we have overcome so much, it's crazy. He really redeemed himself and he is turning into the man he wants to be and is going to school and works very hard. I have also learned how to chill out and what's really worth getting mad over. I did not lower my standards but learned that it's not worth having an explosion over small things. Patience is something I had to learn. Some might say that they would never take anyone back for lying like that and I normally wouldn't but I know why he did it. It's not an excuse for him but he was caught up in wanting to achieve something that he didn't know how to do. Some men just freak the hell out when they aren't being as productive as they feel they need to be and he did. And I'm actually glad this all happened because we have a new understanding of eachother. We are so much closer and can communicate much better than before.
> BUT for some reason we have a hard time communicating about this issue that I posted about. I have gone through a lot here with growing and very slowly learning to trust him again. Of course naturally when this happened with the lying I thought he was cheating and I went through a gigantic rabbit hole of constantly looking at the phone records, paying for premium Spokeo type accounts to look up every single number in the phone records. I couldn't function at my job very well and this absolutely just took over my brain for months. Driving by his parents or wherever to see if he was really there. I don't have the gut feeling that he is cheating now and I just do not want to go down that rabbit hole again because it was awful. It made me sick and it will absolutely demolish what we have overcome.To be honest I think if he wanted to be with another woman he would just leave because we are equals at this house. We have proved to eachother with what happened in the past that we do not have to be together, we have chosen to be together. We now both make the same amount of income and there would be no reason for him to stay here if he wanted another woman. He is much more independent now. I think juggling two women with how busy he is right now would stress him out.
> I'm going to have a conversation about all of this with him, maybe tonight. It has been quite a few years since he's gotten a physical. He has put on a little weight over the last year and I'm wondering about the low T. I think stress has had a major factor on our sex life over the years for obvious reasons. I feel like things will get better overtime when things have slowed down and we have more private time together. When he is done with school (yes he is actually enrolled in school) that will take some stress off. But I watched my parents get bored with eachother and quit acting like a couple and I don't want that for myself. Boredom scares me and maybe that's why I posted in this forum😍


Okay, so there's a lot more going on here than just a difference in libido! That's a whole lot of dysfunction to try to unwrap right there. 

It sounds like he in not a highly confident person to begin with, and the events of his life have eroded what confidence he might have had. Even with some confidence returning, a history of lack of confidence will manifest in the bedroom as sure as a genuine physical issue. If his disclosure to you was all genuine, he may also be feeling a tremendous amount of guilt which will also be an intimacy killer. This may prevent the renewed confidence at work from translating to renewed confidence at home.


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## Rlc307

wilson said:


> If your genders were reversed, your story would be common in many marriages. The man often wants more sex, has to initiate intimacy, and the woman is often more indifferent. And I think it's average to have sex about 1-2 times per week. So on the face of it, your situation is not all that uncommon except for the switched genders. (this is just a generalization. Lots of marriages are also like yours where the woman has a higher need for intimacy).
> 
> Fortunately, it is often easier to increase desire in men. It often can be improved through medical means, such as adding hormones, addressing depression issues, reducing stress, etc. But it's often the case that sex just isn't as important to some men.
> 
> There may be things that can be done to increase his desire for sex, but that may not translate into more romantic gestures like planning dates. Even in marriages where the man has a high desire for sex, he doesn't necessarily plan romantic getaways or anything. A common complaint from women is that their partner's idea of foreplay is saying "wannadoit?".
> 
> One simple thing you can do to help feel more connected is to increase non-sexual intimacy. For example, go to bed at the same time and fall asleep in each other's arms. In the morning, spend some time lying together. Sit near each other. Hold hands. and so on. If that improves your sex life, great!, but that's not necessarily the point. Having that closeness can help you feel more connected and emotionally fulfilled as you work on this issue. It's clear in your post that this situation is causing a lot of frustration, which can make improving it more difficult. If you can approach it from a loving perspective, you will have more success.
> 
> Fundamentally, it seems the core problem is that you have different personalities. He's probably never going to be the kind of person who wants to do lots of stuff outside the house, go on dates, be romantic, etc. And likely you will never be the kind of person who would just want to stay at home, have intimacy just occasionally, etc. So if you want to stay together, you'll both have to compromise. You'll need to find someplace in the middle. Neither of you can have the attitude "I'm right and you have to change to be more like me." Rather, you have to have the attitude "This is who we are. How can we change so that we're both happy and have a life-long relationship."


I think this really hit the nail on the head. Yes, we have different personalities. I work for a bank remotely from home so when I am done for the day, I'm out the door. He is gone all day so when he's done he is ready to relax at home. I am very outdoorsy and hike, kayak, camp, etc. He likes to relax. He will do the outdoor stuff with me but it's only if I ask him to. But do I ask if we can watch a movie together? No I never do so I certainly can't put the blame all on him.
I think the approach you have mentioned could be the key. He is very affectionate and makes a point to want to dress me in my night clothes every evening. He is attracted to me, but it just stops there. I find that if I put more effort into returning the affection he is more likely to initiate sex. It's just about putting fourth the effort to make time for it. I'm thinking that since we have had so many conversations about this I may not even bring it up because it's gone nowhere in the past. I'm going to just try this instead of talking about it and see what happens. And perhaps if I start planning more outings or time with eachother maybe he will start doing the same.


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## uhtred

@Rlc307
sounds like there was a lot going on and he had some serious issues that *might* now be resolved. 

On the very specific issue of his apparent low libido - how were things early in the realtionship. Was he actively enthusiastically interested in sex, or just something he did sometimes. I think this is important because in some cases someone's libido drops for a reason, in others it just seems to be naturally low. The first may be fixable, the second is difficult to fix


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## Rlc307

I know.....he does feel a lot of guilt when it comes to all that. He really does. And yes, he is super confident at work. Wakes up every morning ready to go to work (I actually envy this as I hate my job). But perhaps his confidence at home as suffered. And I haven't really helped to try and mend this as I also suffer from a lack of confidence myself.

Okay, so there's a lot more going on here than just a difference in libido! That's a whole lot of dysfunction to try to unwrap right there. 

It sounds like he in not a highly confident person to begin with, and the events of his life have eroded what confidence he might have had. Even with some confidence returning, a history of lack of confidence will manifest in the bedroom as sure as a genuine physical issue. If his disclosure to you was all genuine, he may also be feeling a tremendous amount of guilt which will also be an intimacy killer. This may prevent the renewed confidence at work from translating to renewed confidence at home.[/QUOTE]


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## Rlc307

uhtred said:


> @Rlc307
> sounds like there was a lot going on and he had some serious issues that *might* now be resolved.
> 
> On the very specific issue of his apparent low libido - how were things early in the realtionship. Was he actively enthusiastically interested in sex, or just something he did sometimes. I think this is important because in some cases someone's libido drops for a reason, in others it just seems to be naturally low. The first may be fixable, the second is difficult to fix


No, he wasn't. It was very odd actually. We dated for about 8 months before we had sex. And I had never done that before. It got to the point where I was like, okay what's the deal? He was just extremely polite and took our relationship very slow....that's the only way I can explain it. And I've had 3x the sexual partners he has. And when we finally had sex and we were doing it 2-3 times a week but I've always felt or known that he does not have the sex drive that I have. It's gone from 2-3 times a week to once a week or once every other week.


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## Rlc307

Rlc307 said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> 
> @Rlc307
> sounds like there was a lot going on and he had some serious issues that *might* now be resolved.
> 
> On the very specific issue of his apparent low libido - how were things early in the realtionship. Was he actively enthusiastically interested in sex, or just something he did sometimes. I think this is important because in some cases someone's libido drops for a reason, in others it just seems to be naturally low. The first may be fixable, the second is difficult to fix
> 
> 
> 
> No, he wasn't. It was very odd actually. We dated for about 8 months before we had sex. And I had never done that before. It got to the point where I was like, okay what's the deal? He was just extremely polite and took our relationship very slow....that's the only way I can explain it. And I've had 3x the sexual partners he has. And when we finally had sex and we were doing it 2-3 times a week but I've always felt or known that he does not have the sex drive that I have. It's gone from 2-3 times a week to once a week or once every other week.
Click to expand...

I want to add too that when I bring this up he has also mentioned that he loves sex but doesn't want the relationship to just only be about sex and that was his excuse when we were dating. He also says he doesn't want to treat me like an f*** bag LOL.


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## wilson

For clarification, are your children his or just yours?

I think you should take his excuses about sex with a grain of salt. They strike me as excuses he's exaggerating because he doesn't want to have sex. It's like a kid who doesn't want to do homework can come up with a host of excuses (too busy, doesn't feel well, tired, etc.)

There are some major differences in this relationship that will make marriage quite challenging. To make it work, both of you will have to understand that and be committed to making it work in spite of those differences. Making a marriage work is quite challenging even in the best of circumstances. If you throw in all that you've mentioned, it's going have have even more challenges to deal with. It can work, but you'll both have to realize that you won't be able to just sit back and go with the flow. You guys are flowing in different directions. You'll both have to continually make the effort to bring your flows together.

If anything, you might have to work much harder than him to make things work. He sounds fine just to sit back and do nothing. The lack of sex after 8 months of dating is quite unusual. He's likely going to want to continually drift down to that "do nothing" state and I expect you'll have to continually try to bring him up. 

My initial feeling is that if you stay in this marriage, it will be like spending your life in a job that's not right for you. There's always the chance that you'll eventually love the job and look forward to going into work, but that's not likely. They likely outcome is that you find ways to slog along, but you don't get that sense of fulfilment from it. 

Why did you stay dating him for 8 months even without intimacy? I was surprised about that considering how you describe yourself.


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## Rlc307

wilson said:


> For clarification, are your children his or just yours?
> 
> I think you should take his excuses about sex with a grain of salt. They strike me as excuses he's exaggerating because he doesn't want to have sex. It's like a kid who doesn't want to do homework can come up with a host of excuses (too busy, doesn't feel well, tired, etc.)
> 
> There are some major differences in this relationship that will make marriage quite challenging. To make it work, both of you will have to understand that and be committed to making it work in spite of those differences. Making a marriage work is quite challenging even in the best of circumstances. If you throw in all that you've mentioned, it's going have have even more challenges to deal with. It can work, but you'll both have to realize that you won't be able to just sit back and go with the flow. You guys are flowing in different directions. You'll both have to continually make the effort to bring your flows together.
> 
> If anything, you might have to work much harder than him to make things work. He sounds fine just to sit back and do nothing. The lack of sex after 8 months of dating is quite unusual. He's likely going to want to continually drift down to that "do nothing" state and I expect you'll have to continually try to bring him up.
> 
> My initial feeling is that if you stay in this marriage, it will be like spending your life in a job that's not right for you. There's always the chance that you'll eventually love the job and look forward to going into work, but that's not likely. They likely outcome is that you find ways to slog along, but you don't get that sense of fulfilment from it.
> 
> Why did you stay dating him for 8 months even without intimacy? I was surprised about that considering how you describe yourself.


My children are from a previous marriage. I got married to my ex husband very young. He hasn't been in the picture in many years and my husband has been in my kid's lives since they were 3 and 4. A lot of people don't even know they aren't his biologically because he treats them as his own. My youngest doesn't even remember before my husband came into the picture.
Why did I date him without sex for 8 months? I know it sounds very odd! He was very affectionate when we were dating. And he respected me more than any man ever had. I did a lot of partying after my divorce (I was 21) and had quite a few partners in that time period. I guess I was just tired of that kind of life and enjoyed taking the time in our relationship like we did. It was more exciting than any other relationship I had ever been in. I kind of had it in my head when I was young that looks and body were all that men were interested in and he showed me that there is more to that. Of course I wondered what the problem was at times but after we had sex it wasn't that big of deal anymore, because up until 3 years ago it was a few times a week and as a working mom with 2 little kids I thought that was pretty normal.


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## uhtred

OK. I suggest going to asexuality.org

I've spent >30 years in a relationship with a near-asexual woman. I love her, but its been extremely difficult, and I've spent a lot of my life unhappy. Don't do that. 

There are some people who naturally have a very low interest in sex, and its an innate as sexual orientation. Early in a relationship this can masquerade as as kindness, morality etc - "he is such a great guy he isn't just trying to get into my pants". It seems wonderful. Its only gradually over time that you start to realize that there really is no interest there. 

Often asexuals are not aware that they are unusual. After 30 years and many discussions my wife indicated great surprise when I said that most loving couples have sex every week or more. She thought every couple of months was normal - that Hollywood just exaggerated peoples interest in sex. She thinks I'm a horn-dog for wanting sex a couple of times a week. (I think she has done some reading recently because her attitude had changed quite a bit - but not her libido).

Once the relationship has gone on a while you feel trapped - "I can't leave the person I love just because of sex".


When I finally learned about asexuality it completely changed my feeling about what was going on. Highly recommend the web site. 





Rlc307 said:


> I want to add too that when I bring this up he has also mentioned that he loves sex but doesn't want the relationship to just only be about sex and that was his excuse when we were dating. He also says he doesn't want to treat me like an f*** bag LOL.


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## Mizzbak

@Rlc307,
... I understand that you say he doesn't initiate sex; but am I correct that you don't feel comfortable initiating it either? (Reading (perhaps incorrectly) between the lines here.) 

My H has said in the past that it could seem exhausting to always feel like he had to make the first move. If you both take on that role, then you are also sharing that feeling of vulnerability that comes with risking rejection. It can also be that a couple just gradually drifts out of the "habit" of physical intimacy. Can you think about what else was going on your lives around 4 years ago when this started to change?

And I completely agree that getting him to have his T-levels checked should be a high priority - there are other health implications even beyond his sex drive.


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## Rlc307

I think the asexuality thought is pretty interesting and I'm definitely going to look at that website tonight and do some reading. I have heard that it's more common than people think. You are very correct in the way I thought things were when we were dating. Like, wow...someone actually wants to get to know me. But 8 months is excessive now that I think about it. I can only imagine what kind of unhappiness it has caused you. But I agree...I don't want to end the relationship over this. Everything else is fine.


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## Rlc307

No, I initiate sex as well but I get what you are explaining and why that would be exhausting for someone. It's just like... anyone would assume a man would initiate it more than he does.
I cannot think of a single event that caused this to happen besides us being more busy and maybe just the general groove of life because the kids left elementary school at that time. Sports and activities are more serious after elementary school of course...more running around for us and etc. The kids are older...maybe he feels like he has to sneak around more now that they are aware of what that is.


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## uhtred

In some ways the most difficult situation is where everything else is fine, and there is real love. Giving up *love* for sex seems a terrible choice - u but so does living your life sexless, or undesired - which just sort of eats away at you.

Its so hard. 

If you leave you always think about what you threw away - trading love for sex. 

If you stay, the day will come when you have the opportunity with someone else. Someone you like, and are attracted to, and who, unlike your husband, are attracted to you. That voice in your head that says "why not - why should I live celibate, that's not what I agreed to". 




Rlc307 said:


> I think the asexuality thought is pretty interesting and I'm definitely going to look at that website tonight and do some reading. I have heard that it's more common than people think. You are very correct in the way I thought things were when we were dating. Like, wow...someone actually wants to get to know me. But 8 months is excessive now that I think about it. I can only imagine what kind of unhappiness it has caused you. But I agree...I don't want to end the relationship over this. Everything else is fine.


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## Rlc307

We went out for dinner with my family last night (he absolutely loves my mom) and we all had a great time, full of laughs, etc. I felt like the mood was right so I decided to start talking about it after we got home. We talked for a couple of hours and it was a really nice conversation. Neither of us argued or got mad at eachother. 
Basically he came to the conclusion of a few things.
For one, he thinks he might bring work home too much sometimes and is going to have to learn to seperate work and home. Setting up arrangements with families can be mentally exhausting and I understand that. Sometimes these scenarios are awful.
Two, he feels very unhealthy, physically. He said something is off, like, "he is missing a gear." He said the weight he has gained is starting to put a strain on his body too. He didn't gain but like 20lbs but it's all in his gut. And he wants to make an appointment with the doctor to get a full physical and blood panel and asked that I go with him. He said he wants to get his testosterone level checked and named off all these symptoms of low T, which leads me to believe that he's actually taken the time to look this up. With that said, he also wants to start eating healthier and wants us to workout together so that we both feel better.

I just want to thank everyone for the responses and ideas. This is a wonderful group of people and a great place to talk openly. I'm hoping that this will resolve this issue overtime. It will be some work for both of us but it will pay off. I feel very confident that what he explained last night was genuine.


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## wilson

That's a very positive sign that he's open to working on this and has shown some initiative to make it better. Typically what makes these kinds of issues so hard to improve is that the person with the lower desire doesn't seem to want to make any effort. But it sounds like he's on board, so it's likely you guys will be able to figure out something that works.

One easy thing you guys can do right away to workout is to go on walks. It's a great exercise and will give you lots of time together.


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