# Can't find an answer to my problem in any marriage book :( and my marriage is crumbli



## MDGV (Oct 14, 2011)

My husband and I were deeply in love and he treated me like an absolute princess. Then, a month before our wedding, he 'saw' and 'heard' me in the shower with a 60-year old man at a place we were staying!!!! (I was 20!) Needless to say, it could not be more untrue, but no amount of persuasion of how ridiculous and impossible and illogical his thinking was, he refused to change his opinion and was devastated. I even offered to go to the doctor who would confirm I was still a virgin.

He began to treat me very badly whenever he had an attack of anger or depression because of it - I won't go into all the terrible details. (I also then discovered that he treated his family members badly when they offended him, and he never forgot an offense.) However, when he was in a good mood, he still loved me very much.

At the same time, he started getting mysteriously sick (tiredness, headaches, stomachaches...), even though two years of every possible test since have shown him to be the picture of health. He quit his job and has been unemployed since, spending half of many days in bed.

Two days before the wedding, I said that I didn't think we would work out and I wanted to call it off, but he begged and wept and told me how much he loved me. He promised it would work out. I said OK, on the condition that he never mentioned the incident again. He promised.

Then, on our honeymoon, he claimed that I had been with his brother-in-law while I was dressing for the wedding. My husband wasn't there of course, but many other people were. He based this assumption on the fact that the brother-in-law _stuck his hand inside the pipe of his swimming pool_ (to clean it) while we were present.

And he brought up the first incident again, only days later, despite his solemn promise...

Next was a month later. We went together to his job interview. While we were outside, something got caught in my contact lens and I tried blinking a bit to flush it out. My husband later claimed that the boss had been giving me a sign, and I was winking to accept his 'proposal'. Needless to say, he did not accept the job.

We left that town and went to another job. During his first day at work, somebody came to look at our air conditioner, which wasn't working properly, but he couldn't fix it. My husband claimed he had 'played with me', or else he would have fixed it. He decided that he couldn't go to work anymore, because I couldn't be left alone.

I cannot understand him. I am a dedicated Christian, never had a man before him, am totally devoted to loving him. Yet he now pushes me away from him, rarely makes love to me, is rarely affectionate and makes my life miserable. I can't go anywhere or have friends, because he is suspicious of everything. It has been two years. All I wanted was a happy, loving marriage. I have given him my all, yet he refuses it and insists that I am this evil person.

On top of all this, he claims that the reason he is sick is that I am poisoning him. He rarely eats any food that I prepare for him.

I have offered to do a lie detector test, but he says it will just be rigged by a secret cult that I am supposedly part of, and that devotes its energies to trying to silence and exterminate him, because he is a 'real Christian'.

I thought that if I waited, he'd get over it, but two years later, he still thinks the same things, is just as 'sick', and just as unemployed.

In the beginning, we had violently bad moments, then passionately good ones. The bad moments aren't as violent anymore, but the good ones have tapered off into a brother/sister kind of relationship. I HATE it. I still love him, but there are very few romantic feelings left in me for him.

I have tried all the things marriage books suggest. Even he admitted in his good moments that I was perfect.

We have a little girl who adores him, and another baby on the way, and I couldn't take that from her, but I cannot endure a lifetime of this.

He refuses any counseling, nor will he allow me any, either.

Please, please, give me ideas as to what can be done. I am deeply sorrowful and very lonely.

Thank you to all who respond.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think your husband needs some significant counseling/therapy. Self help and marriage books aren't going to cut it. If he's not willing to try that, your options seem pretty limited.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You've been putting up with this for two years?

The man is nuts. It's time for you to move on.
There is a huge difference between a little insecurity/ jealousy and this.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

Your husband is likely suffering from a serious mental illness. My best guess would be bipolar disorder; paranoid delusions can be a symptom of bipolar II.

Unfortunately, the best counseling in the world is unlikely to be successful, it's a biochemical condition requiring lifelong medication -- but it is treatable.


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## MDGV (Oct 14, 2011)

TwoDogs said:


> Your husband is likely suffering from a serious mental illness. My best guess would be bipolar disorder; paranoid delusions can be a symptom of bipolar II.
> 
> Unfortunately, the best counseling in the world is unlikely to be successful, it's a biochemical condition requiring lifelong medication -- but it is treatable.


That's very constructive, thank you, but I am worried - would the medication cause a drop in libido?

It is already so low, and one of the things that hurts me the most is his constant rejection of me. I saved myself up for him, now he doesn't want it because he can't 'trust' me... :'(


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## MDGV (Oct 14, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> It can be a symptom of a few different disorders but physical illness as a possible cause needs to be considered too. Hence my suggestion to discuss with the family doctor for either possibility.


Physical illness has definitely been considered. He's been to countless doctors, natural therapists of all sorts, had every possible blood test, scan, ultrasound, X-ray and electrocardiograph available. Every doctor said he was in perfect health.

I think I'm going to need a doctor soon, as I have gone from a cheerful, outgoing, busy person with many friends, full of zest for living, to a deep depression that I can't pull myself out of.

I've hardly spoken to any friends for two years, so it's really good to have a few people to talk to, even if it is on the internet. Thanks, everyone.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

A low libido is the least of your concerns.

This man sounds like my brother in law, who is a schizophrenic. I would seek help for him - he could end up getting worse and hurting you and your children.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

MDGV said:


> That's very constructive, thank you, but I am worried - would the medication cause a drop in libido?
> 
> It is already so low, and one of the things that hurts me the most is his constant rejection of me. I saved myself up for him, now he doesn't want it because he can't 'trust' me... :'(


Some of the psychotherapeutic meds do cause a decrease in libido and/or sexual ability, and some don't. There are a variety of different drugs that are used and it normally takes a bit of trial and error to get the patient stabilized on the right ones.

At any rate, diagnosis by a psychiatrist would be required and it doesn't sound like he is willing to go that route.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did he ever have a head injury?

a head injury caused my wifes cousin to have delusional thought that the mob was after him and they got progressively worse until he thought his wife was in the mob and in a delusional rage he stabbed his wifr to death.

he sounds like the same thing is kinda happening to your husband.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

It sounds like schizophrenia, my cousin had it for nearly two years saying things that never happened. She committed suicide. I am not freaking you out so please get immediate help. Talk to his family too and get their help. I also know of another person who has it for long time but its under control with medication. Very sorry that you are going through this.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Lydia said:


> A low libido is the least of your concerns.
> 
> This man sounds like my brother in law, who is a schizophrenic. I would seek help for him - he could end up getting worse and hurting you and your children.


:iagree::iagree:


Seriously, you need to stop worrying about his libido and worry about your personal safety. 

Are you saying that you have been to doctors and they say nothing is wrong? 

Did those doctors do psychological tests.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with him other than being extremely emotionally abusive. EAs often accuse their spouses of having affairs and re extremely jealous for no reason. But what you describe here sounds over the top even for an EA.

Have you talked to his parents/family to see if he has shown these behaviors before?


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## MDGV (Oct 14, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> Seriously, you need to stop worrying about his libido and worry about your personal safety.
> ...


Yeah, I'm not so worried about his libido... It's just a bit hurtful that the only man who doesn't notice me is the man I love.

Several doctors suggested he needed to see a psychologist, but he refuses to consider that option. No, it's POISON. 

He's kept us away from his family most of the time, but I have pieced together the picture that he has treated them similarly for a few years, but because they didn't live in close proximity to him, they probably didn't realise the extent of the problem.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

This is not a normal or even exaggerated suspicious behaviour by any means. This is some kind of significant paranoid delusional disorder from the sounds of it, and you will never be able to convince him that his paranoia is unfounded. He needs real medical help for these mental issues, although I doubt you will ever be able to convince him that he needs it. I wish you luck. I know someone who has some significant delusions of persecution as well, and this woman has lost all of her family and still believes in her paranoid delusions. It's very sad, and certainly not the makings of a healthy marriage.


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## MDGV (Oct 14, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> If he will not see a psychologist then there is little you can do. You can do things for yourself however. What do YOU need to do at this point for your own safety and sanity?


I really, really don't know. I don't actually fear for my physical safety - he's not violent that way. My sanity, yes, but he won't let me go anywhere (he says I'm free to do what I want, but if I want to go to church or visit people, he makes such a fuss and makes me feel guilty and basically prevents me) or talk (I tried once and I still sometimes get told how disloyal I was, and went behind his back...).

And I cannot leave him, because he does have a problem, and he has nobody else. And when he's not having an 'attack', I know he really loves me.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. It would probably be easier if he actually hated me and was violent and dangerous.  Sigh.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

You need to put your foot down and tell him that he either seeks some professional help, or this marriage is over. A lot of times people don't realize just what they are about to lose until that sort of reality kicks them upside the head really hard.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My first thought as I started reading: schizophrenia. My second thought was some other mental illness...possibly bipolar disorder. And yes, a person can have physical ailments because of the mental issues. I don't know if the problem, in his case, is bad enough that you could get him hospitalized against his will. If you can, call the family doctor or a mental health place and explain what has been going on and see if you can get him hospitalized. He NEEDS the help. Do what you have to do to get him the help he needs.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There is only so much that you MIGHT be able to do to help him. But there are things you can do to help YOURSELF. 

You don't need permission to go to counseling. If it's an argument, well sheesh... isn't it worth the aggravation? 

If he is as "off" as you describe... then you have to not let his words against you have any weight. You put up an imaginary "sh*t shield" so that any crap he throws your way doesn't stick to you. It's like dealing with a 5 year old. You don't HAVE to believe what they tell you, you can argue or placate them or try logic even when you know it won't work.... but you don't have to live by the words of another. 

YOU have a choice. YOU can take control of your life. YOU go to counseling, YOU work enough to make plans, YOU get some confidence so that whatever happens you don't NEED to listen to the words or a nutcase.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Not to be intentionally flippant, but your description sounds a little like a Pink Panther movie script.

I agree that your husband likely has some serious mental issues and they would be best served by being dealt with sooner than later; and that's given the presupposition that there might not even be a workable solution available for you. Best of luck to you!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MDGV said:


> I really, really don't know. I don't actually fear for my physical safety - he's not violent that way. My sanity, yes, but he won't let me go anywhere (he says I'm free to do what I want, but if I want to go to church or visit people, he makes such a fuss and makes me feel guilty and basically prevents me) or talk (I tried once and I still sometimes get told how disloyal I was, and went behind his back...).
> 
> And I cannot leave him, because he does have a problem, and he has nobody else. And when he's not having an 'attack', I know he really loves me.
> 
> I'm between a rock and a hard place. It would probably be easier if he actually hated me and was violent and dangerous.  Sigh.


He sounds like a classic example of a paranoid schizophrenic. He is probably having hallucinations (such as seeing you in the shower with a 60-year old man) and because of that, you can not assume you or your children will be safe. You've already discovered that his hallucinations are far more powerful than reason and logic. If one of them leads him to believe you're dangerous to him and that he must find a way to stop you, you could be hurt or even killed even though there has never been any violence or threats between you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS! PLEASE! 

It sounds like he is willing to see medical doctors but avoids anything to do with psychiatric care. You could speak to his doctor about this stuff and see if he or she can offer some resources, but I completely agree with Po12345 - the best chance he has of getting better is if he's worried you're leaving him. 

Involuntary admission to a psych ward should only be used very cautiously. Most states have laws that only allow this kind of "lockup" treatment to be for 48 or 72 hours, which is not enough time to get him on adequate medication to control those hallucinations and delusions. If he checks himself out, he may simply be more paranoid and defensive than when he went in.

Are you able to ask his family if he has been in any psychiatric care before - during his childhood, through his school, on a previous job, etc.? If they confirm that he has been, you might ask what they believe that diagnosis was. 

I'm pasting information below about schizophrenia from the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual that counselors and psychiatrists use for making diagnoses. You should not try to diagnose it yourself, as there are MANY other factors that enter into a diagnosis, especially since people can have temporary conditions like depression on top of another condition. Some other conditions can lead to these symptoms, too, such as brain injuries, chemical dependency and withdrawal, and shizophreniform disorder. 

Schizophrenia can sometimes be controlled or managed with medication. There is no cure for it. Living with someone who is not managing a serious mental illness is exhausting. I wish you the very best.



DSM-IV-TR: Diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia My own comments will be in this color: 

A. Characteristic symptoms: Two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated): 

(1)	delusions Weird beliefs not supported by logic or reason
(2)	hallucinations Seeing, smelling, hearing things that aren't there.
(3)	disorganized speech (e.g., frequent derailment or incoherence) This can be odd changes of words. One schizophrenic I knew used nonsense words instead of cursing. Others may latch onto a sound and repeat it over and over again, or rhyme words with similar sounds: "bang, clang, sang in the rain."
(4)	grossly disorganized or catatonic behaviour 
(5)	negative symptoms, i.e., affective flattening, alogia (poverty of speech), or avolition (lack of motivation) This may look to an outsider like someone who just has no reaction to things. There may also be something called "inappropriate affect" which means the person smiles or laughs when other people would feel sad in the same circumstances - basically when their body language shows an emotion that's not appropriate to whatever is happening.

_Note: Only one Criterion A symptom is required if delusions are bizarre or hallucinations consist of a voice keeping up a running commentary on the person's behavior or thoughts, or two or more voices conversing with each other. _

Two of those, plus:
B. Social/occupational dysfunction: For a significant portion of the time since the onset of the disturbance, one or more major areas of functioning such as work, interpersonal relations, or self-care are markedly below the level achieved prior to the onset (or when the onset is in childhood or adolescence, failure to achieve expected level of interpersonal, academic, or occupational achievement). 

Plus:
C. Duration: Continuous signs of the disturbance persist for at least 6 months. This 6-month period must include at least 1 month of symptoms (or less if successfully treated) that meet Criterion A (i.e., active-phase symptoms) and may include periods of prodromal (symptomatic of the onset) or residual symptoms. During these prodromal or residual periods, the signs of the disturbance may be manifested by only negative symptoms or two or more symptoms listed in Criterion A present in an attenuated form (e.g., odd beliefs, unusual perceptual experiences). 

And a mental health professional has ruled out other factors that can cause those behaviors:
D. Schizoaffective and Mood Disorder exclusion: Schizoaffective Disorder and Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features have been ruled out because either 

(1) no Major Depressive Episode, Manic Episode, or Mixed Episode have occurred concurrently with the active-phase symptoms; or 

(2) if mood episodes have occurred during active-phase symptoms, their total duration has been brief relative to the duration of the active and residual periods. 

E. Substance/general medical condition exclusion: The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition. 

F. Relationship to a Pervasive Developmental Disorder: If there is a history of Autistic Disorder or another Pervasive Developmental Disorder, the additional diagnosis of Schizophrenia is made only if prominent delusions or hallucinations are also present for at least a month (or less if successfully treated). Subtypes Schizophrenia 

Subtypes: The subtypes of schizophrenia are defined by the predominant symptomatology at the time of evaluation. Because of the limited value of the schizophrenia subtypes in clinical and research settings (e.g. prediction of course, treatment response, correlates of illness), alternative subtypes are being actively investigates. Subtypes include 

1.	Paranoid Type 
2.	Disorganized Type 
3.	Catatonic Type 
4.	Undifferentiated Type 
5.	Residual Type


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Please please leave him and get him some help from a safe distance. He is clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness and I think there is a very very high likelyhood of him flipping out and really physically hurting you.

The hand in the pipe story is so crazy. How could you think that was normal behaviour?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

your marriage has failed you ruined it and he did as well.

you two should both get divorced it will go nowhere. What would you like us to tell you? lies?

I am straight forward its far to much for me to explain on where things went wrong and what is wrong.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> He sounds like a classic example of a paranoid schizophrenic. He is probably having hallucinations (such as seeing you in the shower with a 60-year old man) and because of that, you can not assume you or your children will be safe. You've already discovered that his hallucinations are far more powerful than reason and logic. If one of them leads him to believe you're dangerous to him and that he must find a way to stop you, you could be hurt or even killed even though there has never been any violence or threats between you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS! PLEASE!
> 
> It sounds like he is willing to see medical doctors but avoids anything to do with psychiatric care. You could speak to his doctor about this stuff and see if he or she can offer some resources, but I completely agree with Po12345 - the best chance he has of getting better is if he's worried you're leaving him.
> 
> ...


Fairly descent analysis :smthumbup:

Best of Luck to TS


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Paranoid Schizophrenia anyone?


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I can't add more to what anyone else has already said, but I will say these two things:

1) INTERVENTION. If you can't convince him to get help by himself, and his family has recognized that there is a problem, maybe all of you together can convince him. Keep in mind that in an intervention, if the sick person refuses help, the spouse will have leave him/her. That brings me to the second thing...

2) I know how hesitant you are about not accepting divorce as an option because of your faith. As an evangelical Christian myself, I believe divorce is a sin as well. But please remember this: If it is a sin, it is no worse a sin as any other, and it isn't unforgivable. And there comes a time when you have to protect yourself and separate yourself from a madman.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Paranoid Schizophrenia anyone?


Along with controlling and mentally and emotionally abusive.

You need to get away from this man NOW!! It won't get any better, as you can well see. You should not have married him at all, and listened to your gut instinct from the beginning. Too late for that now, but start listening to your gut again............and RUN.....run far away!!!


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

I don't think I can add anything of value to this thread other than your husband does need to be assessed el pronto. No wonder you couldn't find your answer in a marriage book...wrong type of book. Start looking for the ones that support the carers of the mentally ill (few and far between unfortunately)!!

I know what I would do where I am in the world, but as every country and state has differing ways of doing things, I can only suggest you start researching on the internet. Turn on your inprivate browsing (or do it from work) so you don't give him something else to be paranoid about.

All the best, and please let you know how things progress for you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is scary. I really REALLY hope I am wrong. But it sounds like significant mental health issues. Like..not bi polar disorder.

That kind of paranoia is epic.


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