# Quality time?



## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

How do you get your husband to understand a problem when he doesn't think there is one? My husband comes home from work and usually I am already upstairs in the bed watching tv, he will come up and kiss me, sit for a few minutes and go downstairs to play his video game. Now, I have no problem with him playing is game and if I have to sit with him while he does it to get my time, then fine. Tonight I said how about one day when you come home you don't play your video game and pay attention to me, well he took it bad and said "that's dumb because I don't only pay attention to a video game", "not ok, I will give you some attention", how do I get him to see I am lonely and don't always want to sit and watch him play games, I am glad he is home but I wanna cuddle and talk and do whatever doesn't involve that stupid game. But I also dont wanna force him and he is mad the whole time. I want him to want to. I am not asking for tv romance but just something thoughtful, I do things for him all the time and sometimes I feel like the man in the relationship, I want flowers and just little gestures like I give him, but it takes away from it when you have to ask for it. Just need a little advice
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Buy him a few presents. Surprise him let him realise youre there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do not say, but get the impression you are.

He's taking you for granted. So you need to change the way you do things to get his attention. Here's the name of a book that might help you to that.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Laura Schlessinger


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Forgive me if I have misunderstood - but why are you upstairs watching tv in bed when he arrives home? How about when you hear him arrive, you get up and turn the tv off? Or better yet, have the tv off already and have some music playing for when he gets home? 

I assume he's home late and maybe you don't eat dinner together? How about making cocoa or something to set the scene that you want to be in the moment with him? I'm wondering if it's easier for him to escape to video games if he thinks you're distracted with the tv anyway?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Saying, "Dear, it's hard for me to get horny for a man who acts like a boy" should do the trick.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your SO will kiss you and sit with you for a few minutes. And you're COMPLAINING? I WISH I could get that kind of attention from my wife.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

My husband likes playing chess each day he closes from work. When he is on the it nothing else matters to him. l even call the laptop his wife and we laugh over it. Since your husband likes the games, just do own own stuff and let him enjoy his game. You will get used to it. He loves you but would want sometimes to be all by himself.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I need affection too. Maybe your husband can play that video game after he gives you some attention. All you need is a few minutes a day. Ask him to snuggle for at least 15 minutes right after he kisses you. For him giving you his undivided attention all night would be very difficult. They NEED their own/down time alone. My husband uses this time when we the kids and I go to bed, which is around 8-9pm. He stays up till 11-12 playing his game or reading sports.

All I need is 1/2-1 hour of snuggle time holding hands, kissing, talking while we watch tv together in our bed. This does not include sex, I need that too, but usually it happens before snuggle time. Since then I've noticed he is always watching/glancing over to me. He is very good at picking up cues when something is not quite right with me. We have great communication and we never argue. 

Try talking to him without getting upset. Start out with a few minutes and it will gradually get longer. Flirt with him. Touch him on his arm or along his back. One night when he shows up, surprise his with sexy lingerie. I did this one and my husband just about fainted. I met him at the door and I even had 4 1/2 inch heels on. Also, say thank you and tell him you appreciate what he does do for you. Start giving him hugs and kisses too. Have more sex with him. Having sex really connects a man to a woman and a woman to a man.

Don't forget they do need their space as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is the female analogy to a sexless marriage from a male standpoint.


I feel bad for you. Husbands if they want "space" for games need to do that when heir wives are away or asleep. 


Technology ruins marriages.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think chess is in the same category as computer games! If you can play you should be playing with him as well.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

Thanks for the responses, you guys really gave me some good ideas, because I don't want to fight with him, I just need him to see I need a little more attention. I just don't always wanna do the work. I have music playing for him when he comes home with a home cooked meal, hell sometimes I am even naked with music playing and a home cooked meal! The problem is I wanna come home to the music playing or a drawn bath, something that says I was thinking about you today and I miss you, just like I always do for him, I know he feels loved and wanted when I do these things, I wanna feel the same way, but don't mistake, this has nothing to do with our sex life, we have plenty of sex and it's very romantic and thoughtful and everything I want in our day-to-day lives, not just sexually
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I need affection too. Maybe your husband can play that video game after he gives you some attention. All you need is a few minutes a day. Ask him to snuggle for at least 15 minutes right after he kisses you. For him giving you his undivided attention all night would be very difficult. They NEED their own/down time alone. My husband uses this time when we the kids and I go to bed, which is around 8-9pm. He stays up till 11-12 playing his game or reading sports.
> 
> All I need is 1/2-1 hour of snuggle time holding hands, kissing, talking while we watch tv together in our bed. This does not include sex, I need that too, but usually it happens before snuggle time. Since then I've noticed he is always watching/glancing over to me. He is very good at picking up cues when something is not quite right with me. We have great communication and we never argue.
> 
> ...


Exactly! This is fine for me, I am not asking him to give up his hobby or even his whole night, just c'mon! Like, I need more than what I am getting, I need something....I don't know......it's so frustrating, see how YOU meet him at the door with lingerie? How about he meet you at the door with flowers? Its give and take and I don't might doing MOST of the sexy stuff, I like it, but ok, now is your turn........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

How about you STOP doing SO much/everything for him, and then he'll start to miss it, and want it from you. It's got to be 50/50 and it seems it's 100/0. Allow him to take responsibility, instead of "mothering" him with dinner on the table when he comes home, etc. etc. Let him take the lead; maybe fire up the grill and cook for YOU. He may even suggest dinner out.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I am truly sympathetic to your situation, believe me, you've got it better than I do. I suppose men and women approach their relationships differently but I will share a man's perspective

I love when I don't feel loved. I respect when I don't respected. I act in the way that I want my marriage to be, irrespective of the way it is. I'm sure that somewhere in my mind I am not totally oblivious to my wife's actions and inaction, but my goal is to not let that have any effect on what I do.

I ask my wife for quality time with some limited success. I consider tv watching to be in the realm of recreational companionship. Not to detract from the importance of recreational companionship, but I am looking for emotional intimacy and I feel that my ability to be intimate is compromised when tv competes for my attention. I don't mind the radio sometimes.

When I am able to have my wife and I share each others undivided attention and I can facillitate conversation away from things outside our marriage, I intend to engage her verbally and present the kind of stuff you and other posters here describe. I would like to see us converse without distraction on suggestions and requests and agree to work with each other and be responsible to each other for doing what we agree on.

I'm not saying women should act like men, I'm just saying this is what I try to do in a situation similar to yours


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

southern wife said:


> How about you STOP doing SO much/everything for him, and then he'll start to miss it, and want it from you. It's got to be 50/50 and it seems it's 100/0. Allow him to take responsibility, instead of "mothering" him with dinner on the table when he comes home, etc. etc. Let him take the lead; maybe fire up the grill and cook for YOU. He may even suggest dinner out.


Well I wouldn't say its 100/0, it's more like 70/40 or 80/20, what he considers romantic is different from what I view, like he cleans my car out and washes it, or moves it close to The door if its parked to far away, he will clean up after me in the house because I am the untidy one in the marriage, he buys my feminine napkins sometimes if he sees I am running low, he equates money and things with quality time, is what I am saying, he is not a bad husband, just not receptive to critisim about what he does and doesn't do, because he thinks he is doing fine, maybe I should just stop complaining....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> Well I wouldn't say its 100/0, it's more like 70/40 or 80/20, what he considers romantic is different from what I view, like he cleans my car out and washes it, or moves it close to The door if its parked to far away, he will clean up after me in the house because I am the untidy one in the marriage, he buys my feminine napkins sometimes if he sees I am running low, he equates money and things with quality time, is what I am saying, he is not a bad husband, just not receptive to critisim about what he does and doesn't do, because he thinks he is doing fine, maybe I should just stop complaining....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Those things he does are sweet. A lot of women only wish they had a husband who would do things like that. I know I do.

Yes you should stop complaining. But that does not mean that you have to stop working on improving things.
It seems to me that each of you is doing things that you think is ‘loving’ but the other does not appreciate it. You are not all that excited about the little things you husband does that he thinks are showing that he cares. And it seems that he does not care all that much for the music and other stuff you do that you thing should somehow make him feel romantic.

I am wondering if you work outside of the home. When a person has been working all day the last thing they want when they get home is someone wanting something. Generally a person needs 30 minutes to an hour to just wind down. Do you ask him about his day? Has he ever told you what he’d like to go on when he first gets home after work?
If I understand what you have said, by the time your husband comes home you watching TV. Does this mean that he eats dinner alone? How often do you join him?

Since you and he seem to be missing what the other’s needs on some level, you might want to read the book “His Needs, Her Needs” my Dr. Harley. If you read the book it will give you a much clearer picture of what is going on, how to talk with your husband about identifying both of your needs and how to get them met.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Those things he does are sweet. A lot of women only wish they had a husband who would do things like that. I know I do.
> 
> Yes you should stop complaining. But that does not mean that you have to stop working on improving things.
> It seems to me that each of you is doing things that you think is ‘loving’ but the other does not appreciate it. You are not all that excited about the little things you husband does that he thinks are showing that he cares. And it seems that he does not care all that much for the music and other stuff you do that you thing should somehow make him feel romantic.
> ...


Well your right I generally don't sit with him when he eats most of the time because he watches sports highlights and I don't wanna watch that, and yes I work outside the home but I am a hair stylist and I set my own hours so... I sometimes have more time off than him, but I guess I can look at things from his point to. I do ask him about his day and he just says it was good, he doesn't get into the details or nothing. I know no relationship is perfect and tv relationships are just that, tv. But sometimes I want the fantasy, but I guess having a faithful husband who just wants to play his game and clean my car is a fantasy, and I will work on improvements in a positive way
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> Well your right I generally don't sit with him when he eats most of the time because he watches sports highlights and I don't wanna watch that, and yes I work outside the home but I am a hair stylist and I set my own hours so... I sometimes have more time off than him, but I guess I can look at things from his point to. I do ask him about his day and he just says it was good, he doesn't get into the details or nothing. I know no relationship is perfect and tv relationships are just that, tv. But sometimes I want the fantasy, but I guess having a faithful husband who just wants to play his game and clean my car is a fantasy, and I will work on improvements in a positive way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How many hours a week do each of you work?

Several good ideas have been put forth on this thread but you just seem to discount them. Why is that?


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do each of you work?
> 
> Several good ideas have been put forth on this thread but you just seem to discount them. Why is that?


What do I discount? Have you read all of my responses? I work 10-12 hour days 5 days a week he works everyday except Monday. I am goona follow the advice I read here but I don't want him to think I don't appreciate him, so I am gonna try a different approach, I hope I don't seem to discount them, this is very important to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> What do I discount? Have you read all of my responses? I work 10-12 hour days 5 days a week he works everyday except Monday. I am goona follow the advice I read here but I don't want him to think I don't appreciate him, so I am gonna try a different approach, I hope I don't seem to discount them, this is very important to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I've read all of the thread. Maybe you are not discounting what is said... sometimes things come in an unintended way on the internet.

So you both work long hours. This alone could be a large part of the issue. I work a lot of long hours. There are times when i'm so brain dead that I just want to be left alone after work. I'm wondering if that's what's going on with your husband.

I agree with your about taking a positive approach. You have to start with that. So what steps are you thinking of now?


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yes I've read all of the thread. Maybe you are not discounting what is said... sometimes things come in an unintended way on the internet.
> 
> So you both work long hours. This alone could be a large part of the issue. I work a lot of long hours. There are times when i'm so brain dead that I just want to be left alone after work. I'm wondering if that's what's going on with your husband.
> 
> I agree with your about taking a positive approach. You have to start with that. So what steps are you thinking of now?


 I can just start out talking to him about it first, in a nice way, I asked him how he feels when I do romantic things for him, and he said good, but I just left it at that because he said he was tired and I didn't want to start an argument. Next I am gonna sit with him when he gets home from work and eats his dinner and watch him play the game wether I want to or not. I can only control my actions, not his. I am also gonna take a look at that book you recommended. God willing we will be married till we are old, and if we are in a rut at 8 months married, I will be bored stiff at 2+ years. I must tell you also that I tried playing head games to get his attention, like when he comes in if I am on my iPad, I will hurry and turn it off so he thinks I am bored and alone with nothing to do and wanna cuddle with me, but it backfired and he thought I was doing something sneaky because he could she the light from the iPad before he opens the door. So grown up communication is what is on the menu from now on. And I appreciate everything all you guys are saying and I am taking every single thing in. I am gonna change my attitude an appreciate the things he does do, and gently try to guide him to do some of the things I NEED him to do
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> I can just start out talking to him about it first, in a nice way, I asked him how he feels when I do romantic things for him, and he said good, but I just left it at that because he said he was tired and I didn't want to start an argument. Next I am gonna sit with him when he gets home from work and eats his dinner and watch him play the game wether I want to or not. I can only control my actions, not his. I am also gonna take a look at that book you recommended. God willing we will be married till we are old, and if we are in a rut at 8 months married, I will be bored stiff at 2+ years. I must tell you also that I tried playing head games to get his attention, like when he comes in if I am on my iPad, I will hurry and turn it off so he thinks I am bored and alone with nothing to do and wanna cuddle with me, but it backfired and he thought I was doing something sneaky because he could she the light from the iPad before he opens the door. So grown up communication is what is on the menu from now on. And I appreciate everything all you guys are saying and I am taking every single thing in. I am gonna change my attitude an appreciate the things he does do, and gently try to guide him to do some of the things I NEED him to do
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to get his attention but right now you will not get it by asking for it. Actions are what will work. 

A lot of people on here talk about doing a 180.. meaning behaving in a way that is 180 degrees different from your normal behavior. But the list I've seen here is more geared towards a relationship in which the betrayed spouse (Bs) is trying to get the wayward spouse (WS) to end all contact with the other person and fix the marriage. This list is not going to help you.

There is a lot about it on the DivorceBusters web site. The Divorce Busting book talks about it as well. 

A good example is that you usually don't sit with him when he eats dinner. If you do that now you will doing something that he does not expect.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Would he be willing to turn off the TV - and have you both eat dinner together, just with background music playing while you converse?

How much of his evening is spent on video games? 
Do you go to bed at the same time?

Maybe it's time you both developed a routine that is healthier for your marriage. Whether that be going for an evening walk together, eat dinner at the table together, have a show or game that you can BOTH get into ....while saying this, some of us do need a bit of space to unwind in our own way but this can't become selfish and override the best interests of your marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> Well I wouldn't say its 100/0, it's more like 70/40 or 80/20, what he considers romantic is different from what I view, like he cleans my car out and washes it, or moves it close to The door if its parked to far away, he will clean up after me in the house because I am the untidy one in the marriage, he buys my feminine napkins sometimes if he sees I am running low, he equates money and things with quality time, is what I am saying, he is not a bad husband, just not receptive to critisim about what he does and doesn't do, because he thinks he is doing fine, maybe I should just stop complaining....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you converse much? Do you enjoy each others company? 

It sounds as though he's showing his care for you in ways that might not be the way you desire. Please don't lose sight of what he IS doing. Appreciate those things. There may be a need to express to him what speaks to you though.

I have to admit my hubs is the romantic/affectionate type which works for me but while we were going through our crappy time this year, we were having an emotional conversation that went a certain direction, and resulted in him mentioning a certain home fixture he'd taken care of because he knew that not having it was bothering me. That opened my eyes to other things he does that are his way of caring for me. I'd overlooked it because I'd put it down to the fact that he likes doing small home projects. I had failed to see he was providing a solution to something that was a problem to me. It was because he wants me to feel comfortable in our home. It was him showing consideration for me. It was for me. Every time I see this in the home now, I view it differently.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Do you converse much? Do you enjoy each others company?
> 
> It sounds as though he's showing his care for you in ways that might not be the way you desire. Please don't lose sight of what he IS doing. Appreciate those things. There may be a need to express to him what speaks to you though.
> 
> I have to admit my hubs is the romantic/affectionate type which works for me but while we were going through our crappy time this year, we were having an emotional conversation that went a certain direction, and resulted in him mentioning a certain home fixture he'd taken care of because he knew that not having it was bothering me. That opened my eyes to other things he does that are his way of caring for me. I'd overlooked it because I'd put it down to the fact that he likes doing small home projects. I had failed to see he was providing a solution to something that was a problem to me. It was because he wants me to feel comfortable in our home. It was him showing consideration for me. It was for me. Every time I see this in the home now, I view it differently.


Yeah we converse, when I sit with him while he plays his game. No we don't go to bed at the same time because he wants to play and relax when he gets off, he can get home around 11 or 12 at night from work, so I understand giving him his time, but just because he shows me he cares in a different way, just I accept that way and get used to it and long for something more or what should I do? Elegirl said not to change my actions so how do I get him to see what I want? Without hurting his feelings or making him feel like I don't appreciate what he DOES do. If I go to bed at say 1 am, he doesn't go to bed till about 2 2:30 some times, while yes I am still up, but sex is not what I am talking about, which is all that's left to do at 2am. I enjoy his company very much which is why I want more of it, maybe he doesn't enjoy my company much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> Yeah we converse, when I sit with him while he plays his game. No we don't go to bed at the same time because he wants to play and relax when he gets off, he can get home around 11 or 12 at night from work, so I understand giving him his time, but just because he shows me he cares in a different way, just I accept that way and get used to it and long for something more or what should I do? *Elegirl said not to change my actions so how do I get him to see what I want? *Without hurting his feelings or making him feel like I don't appreciate what he DOES do. If I go to bed at say 1 am, he doesn't go to bed till about 2 2:30 some times, while yes I am still up, but sex is not what I am talking about, which is all that's left to do at 2am. I enjoy his company very much which is why I want more of it, maybe he doesn't enjoy my company much
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not what I said. I said to change your actions... do things differently than he is used to. I suggested that you look at the Divorce Busters 180 information. I suggested that Divorce Busters book as it talks about doing a 180. There is even a Divorce Busters page about work groups for 180.

================================
Here is what I said:

You need to get his attention but right now you will not get it by asking for it. *Actions are what will work*. 

A lot of people on here talk about doing a 180.. meaning behaving in a way that is 180 degrees different from your normal *behavior.* But the list I've seen here is more geared towards a relationship in which the betrayed spouse (Bs) is trying to get the wayward spouse (WS) to end all contact with the other person and fix the marriage. This list is not going to help you.

There is a lot about it on the DivorceBusters web site. The Divorce Busting book talks about it as well. 

A good example is that you usually don't sit with him when he eats dinner. If you do that now you will doing something that he does not expect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a day does you husband work? Why does he come home so late?

Has he always worked these hours even before you were married?


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a day does you husband work? Why does he come home so late?
> 
> Has he always worked these hours even before you were married?


Sorry didn't mean to misquote you, I thought you said don't change, sorry, he works a normal 8 hours but he has 3 jobs, one full time during the week and 2 part time on weekends, yeah he has always worked late but got the third job about a year now. Take tonight for example, I got home after him tonight, so I walk in, he is WHERE ELSE? So he smiles at me and says "long day?". I say yeah and I go upstairs to take off my clothes, about 20 minutes later, he comes in, so I am thinking ok, he is trying, Maybe I will get a little time tonight, he gets in the bed, asked me if I had any snacks and next thing I hear he is in deep sleep, wtf?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> Sorry didn't mean to misquote you, I thought you said don't change, sorry, he works a normal 8 hours but he has 3 jobs, one full time during the week and 2 part time on weekends, yeah he has always worked late but got the third job about a year now. Take tonight for example, I got home after him tonight, so I walk in, he is WHERE ELSE? So he smiles at me and says "long day?". I say yeah and I go upstairs to take off my clothes, about 20 minutes later, he comes in, so I am thinking ok, he is trying, Maybe I will get a little time tonight, he gets in the bed, asked me if I had any snacks and next thing I hear he is in deep sleep, wtf?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How late was this?

How many hours total does he work? Why did he take the 3rd job?


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

This was about 12 midnight. I estimate about 64 hours a week I guess, he is a cook, so we are trying to buy our first home and I am trying to open a business, so every little bit helps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babydollnewly said:


> This was about 12 midnight. I estimate about 64 hours a week I guess, he is a cook, so we are trying to buy our first home and I am trying to open a business, so every little bit helps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No wonder he's acting like he's beat... he is. It sounds like he gets very little sleep. 

Sounds to me like he needs a break from such a harsh work schedule.

You say that you work about 14 hours, 5 days a week. That's a 70 hour week.

I work a lot of long hours like that myself. It gets hard to want to do anything.

If this keeps up, you both will have more money but no marriage. So I guess it can be spent on the divorce. I know that might sound harsh, but it's a reality.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

No, it doesn't sound harsh, I have thought that myself sometimes. You can still climb the ladder and achieve material things without forgetting about each other. You have to put some time aside for each other
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## Sky22 (Dec 15, 2011)

I think what you should do next time is just suggest something to do rather than calling him out on playing his game all the time. If you point something out that seems accusatory, even if you didn't mean it that way, they will go on the defensive. If you just say "Hey let's go somewhere" or "Hey let's do this" he's probably not going to complain about not being able to play his game. It always worked for me.


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## babydollnewly (May 19, 2011)

Sky22 said:


> I think what you should do next time is just suggest something to do rather than calling him out on playing his game all the time. If you point something out that seems accusatory, even if you didn't mean it that way, they will go on the defensive. If you just say "Hey let's go somewhere" or "Hey let's do this" he's probably not going to complain about not being able to play his game. It always worked for me.


Great suggestion, problem is I just tried it and guess what he said, "I don't wanna go out, I just wanna relax and play my game", so I will keep trying so etching till it works, don't know what that is yet but...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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