# Just joined and need advice....



## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

I cant believe Ive joined a forum to ask for help. I guess that means it is real. I never do anything behind my husbands back, I ve always been open and honest, but I cant go on with my marriage. 2014 was supposed to be the year of us "getting things on track" but week in week out he just continues to upset me. We went on a "family holiday" the first week in Jan with our 2 year old. It was supposed to be a week where we rest, spend time with out daughter and get close once again. The first night I had an early night with daughter and he went out drinking with some single girl we met till 11pm. Next day, I was Ok, he said sorry... until he went out with her that night till 1am. In typical fashion he was devestated the next day, his favourite slogan is "you deserve so much better, I dont deserve you" yet week in week out his behaviour towards me says something totally different. Hes taken out loans behind my back, I found out, he begged for forgiveness and I did... last night we got in an argument and in front of the kids he swore at me and squared up to me, he told me he hated me and said he could kill me. He drunk drove to my dads house and took a suitcase of stuff with him. My dad came over this morning, hes begging to come back, he loves me, he would never hit me etc etc. The thing is, I am starting to think he has no respect for me because I keep forgiving him. I heard a saying a long time ago, "if you act like a doormat, youll be treated like one" and as independent as I am, I think that is what i have reduced myself to. 7 years together, he swears he loves me and cant live without me, yet he continues to treat me like this. I just dont know what to do. In a marriage, am I just supposed to keep forgiving him? He wanted to come back tonight and Ive said no, my 13 year ols son is asking where he is


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are right that you have allowed him to treat you as a doormat and now it has to be fixed. Tell him to get help or you are done. And mean it. He drinks too much. If you threaten and don't follow through then he'll continue to do as he pleases.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you've written your husband has a serious drinking problem. You need to decide when enough is enough and stand firm. You may want to get in touch with ALANON.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Kick that loser to the curb.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you so much for the replies. My husband is a police officer and only drinks when hes off but your right, he drinks too much. I feel like hes reaching out for me to end it. If it was one of our friends, he would certainly be advising her to get rid. This is his second marriage and it sounds like the first one ended under similar circumstances. Ive had a good think about it last night and this morning and I think I have to end it for both of our sakes. I just think he cant possibly be happy with me if this is how he treats me. He plans our lives around the football season / sports Tv. I am fortunate that he moved in to my home which I own, I have a good job and great friends and family. They all get on with him very much, no one wants to see it be over, but so many times my friends have come to me (and him) and say he needs to sort himself out. He does for a couple of weeks, but it isnt long before hes back to his old ways. I could put up with it if Im honest, its not that I want to meet anyone else (in fact I hope I dont!) But its not fair on the kids and I do believe he will be happier without me. That hurts, but I have to look at the whole picture. I just didnt want to admit that Id "failed" as this is how it feels.


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## dulcedulce (Jan 15, 2014)

Dr. Phil would call your husband's behavior a deal breaker. You could see a lawyer tomorrow and not feel any guilt about it. Your husband sounds like he has some serious problems. You owe it to your kids to get away from him


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have NOT failed, HE has failed YOU. You need to change your mindset or you will never get through this! You are the victim here! If my significant other went drinking with a single woman, there would be no coming back to me!


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you so much for this support, everyone of you. Well he came over this morning and I really wasnt ready to see him, I also had my daughter with me. He wanted to "talk" and "sort things out". I just told him I didnt want to do that anymore. I told him that the way he behaves towards me is just getting worse and no amount of forgiving him seems to work. He said "You cant end our marriage because of one stupid fight.." I said its not one stupid fight, its week in week out. I mentioned about him staying out with that girl on holiday and he said "i thought you had put that behind us?" Which made me realise that all the times Ive accepted his apology and forgave him, he thinks nothing more about it and learned nothing from it. I cried and I said "Everytime I go through a break up, I ask myself why Im not good enough? why cant I just make it work? He said "Please dont, I cant bear to see you like this". I said, Im like this most weeks, just not in front of you and the kids. He went through the usual "Ill do anything, you have given me everything I ever wanted....you make me so happy....blah blah blah..." Suprisingly I stood strong. He said please have a few days to think it through, I said I would but they way Im feeling now, my mind is made up and I didnt want to offer him false hope. He was sobbing. He said hes ruined everything and he will never forgive himself. I said I would help him find somewhere else, theres no rush, he can see kids whenever he likes and Ill support him as much as I can, but I just cant continue living like this, and if its the wrong decision, then I would rather live with regret than with him treatng us this way. Hes gone back to stay with his family for a few days. I cant believe Ive done it. Ive gone into "get sorted mode". looking through my finances, considering working an extra day, getting my own phone contract and internet sorted. I feel so bad for him though, hes like a little boy lost, I am lucky to have friends who love me very much, he doesnt have that. I wish I could do something to make it better for him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You did AWESOME. And dont worry about making it better for him, he is a big boy and will learn to cope on his own. (or not...not your problem) If you havent already, get your own bank account set up, get your check deposited to it, and move a little money before he takes it all.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

The way Im feeling, he can have it all. I just want the man I married back, but hes not there anymore, I feel like its my own fault for letting this continue for as long as I have. I just wish I could have drawn the line sooner and maybe he wouldnt have behaved as he has. Or maybe he just wants out and this is his way. Either way, I never wanted my marriage to end.I never expected a happy ever after, I want my best friend I married, but hes gone  so sad tonight. x


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's difficult not to look back but what you need to do is look forward. And remain strong. Because he may not just shrug and go away. He's used to you caving in if he just makes enough promises. So he may try what's worked so well before.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Well hes started with the promises, how different everything is going to be, how proud he is to "hold my hand"..... half of me really wants to believe it and half of me just thinks he is deluded. He says how much he wants to spend time together, yet its always a bargaining tool "if i stay in with you tonight, am I alright to go X tomorrow?" Its like I have to bribe him for his time! Even when he did spend time with me he spends his time looking miserable and on his phone. what I dont understand is that if I was miserable with someone, and didnt want to spend time with them, and they offered me a guilt free way out, I would jump at the chance, so why isnt he? He says he is going to think before he speaks, well if thats the case...why not do it for the past 7 years? I think Im the one that needs counselling, I have no idea at what point I thought someone treating me like this was OK. I should have put my foot down sooner. I just didnt want to be a "nag" how can he loose two 7 year marriages with the same behaviours? how ridiculous. the man is nearly 40! How refreshing not to come home and have to watch garbage on "HIS" tv...! and my little girl took a wee on her potty and spilled some and we didnt have WW3. I just cleaned it up without a fuss. Feeling better today


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sunday girl said:


> *Well hes started with the promises, how different everything is going to be, how proud he is to "hold my hand"..... half of me really wants to believe it and half of me just thinks he is deluded. He says how much he wants to spend time together,* yet its always a bargaining tool "if i stay in with you tonight, am I alright to go X tomorrow?" Its like I have to bribe him for his time! Even when he did spend time with me he spends his time looking miserable and on his phone. what I dont understand is that if I was miserable with someone, and didnt want to spend time with them, and they offered me a guilt free way out, I would jump at the chance, so why isnt he? He says he is going to think before he speaks, well if thats the case...why not do it for the past 7 years? I think Im the one that needs counselling, I have no idea at what point I thought someone treating me like this was OK. I should have put my foot down sooner. I just didnt want to be a "nag" how can he loose two 7 year marriages with the same behaviours? how ridiculous. the man is nearly 40! How refreshing not to come home and have to watch garbage on "HIS" tv...! and my little girl took a wee on her potty and spilled some and we didnt have WW3. I just cleaned it up without a fuss. Feeling better today


They ALL read from the same script!


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Hes written to me saying how having the children isnt a chore its a privaliage.....!! How amazing that his realization has only occured this morning, all Ive heard is how much he "dreads" looking after the kids and he wishes he was back at work etc! Do you think they actually believe what they are saying, or is it just very clever lies? Proud to hold my hand indeed...! not on the first two nights of our holiday!!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Actions speak louder than words.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Well his emaiks have turned from how wonderful he COULD be to how horrible he has been and how me and the kids are better off without him. I dont know if this is another tactic or he is genuinely looking at his behaviour and realising how bad its been. What do people think about trial seperation with MC? Ive been reading a lot about it and am thinking I should at least give it a try?x


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Well he came round yesterday after spending a week at his brothers, he was so remorseful, he said he totally takes responsibility for whats happend. I asked him why hes behaved like he has. He said he just "got lost" and realises he was just living life for himself, not for me and the children. Initially he didnt want to move out, but I explained that if I took him back now, things would return to the way they were and I couldnt have that. We sat down and looked through the finances, and We contacted a landlord about a flat. Hes going to view one tonight. Hes been so caring and loving I just hope Im doing the right thing. Hes already contacted relate without me prompting and hes organising mc for us. He said he wants to begin dating again and he wants to cook me meals etc. He said he is still madly in love with me and will do anything I want to make it work. My fear (beng insecure) is that he will enjoy the single life and not return, but I suppose thats the chance you take with these things. Any advice on trial separations? dos and donts etc?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

sunday girl said:


> What do people think about trial seperation with MC? Ive been reading a lot about it and am thinking I should at least give it a try?x


When my wife and I had our major blow up, she was the one who suggested a trial separation. I was like...trial? We ARE separated!

We both agreed on MC. I asked her what do you want to get out of it? She said she wanted to find out if the marriage is worth saving. I thought...you don't know?

8 months later we were still separated and living apart. We went to church, therapists, meetings with the pastor, read books, went to classes, had many dates, and I spent tons of money romancing her again. Then she did it to me again. She gave up and stopped pretending.

What was different about the last time was that during the reconciliation she wasn't learning and growing, she was detaching and plotting her exist strategy. She couldn't even tell me to my face. She eventually confessed by email.

A month after our final break up I asked her if she was sure if this is what she wanted. She told me yes. I know in my heart I tried everything, so it was her decision. You can't make someone love you. You can't make someone treat you right. They do or they don't.

Why am I telling you this? So you can make up your mind in good conscience and decide for yourself what to do But understand you are also setting yourself up for more hurt and pain.

I knew in my heart it was over 9 months ago. She knew too. But I didn't want to face it.

Guess what? I'm still alive and will be legally divorced in a few weeks. Her and I get along great! We don't argue or fight, we don't offend each other, and we both get things our way whenever and however we want. Because we don't talk to or see each other any more. It's like she died and is gone. And you know what? It's not the worst thing ever. Being married to her was.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Aww pictureless, I dont want my marriage to be over. I really dont, I just couldnt go on like it was. I suppose even if he decides hes happier apart, as painful as that is, at least I dont have to live the way we were. I suppose if he doenst want to come back after the separation, Ill only have myself to blame for instigating it in the first place


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

sunday girl said:


> Ill only have myself to blame for instigating it in the first place


Emotions are tricky. When something happens that we don't like we look for blame to explain why.

When she dumped me I thought it was because of something I did. It wasn't. If you really love someone you can forgive anything.

She said she dumped me because she doesn't love me. If that is the truth then I'm not to blame for that.

I honestly think she has TF's and a POSOM influencing her. Still doesn't matter because the end result for me is the same. I'm not to blame for that.

Do not blame yourself. You cannot control other peoples emotions and behaviors.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

He says he loves me, and I love him...I just dont love his behaviour. Hes behaviour towards me is foul. Thats why I thought he couldnt possibly love me because if he did he wouldnt treat me like he does. I do hope this separation works. xxx


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sunday girl said:


> Well hes started with the promises, how different everything is going to be, how proud he is to "hold my hand"..... half of me really wants to believe it and half of me just thinks he is deluded. He *says* how much he wants to spend time together,


 Talk is cheap! It costs nothing but the effort to expel air from his lungs, which he was going to do anyway because he was breathing! You need to STOP LISTENING to what he says because it's lies/fantasy/wishful thinking. He is MANIPULATING you. Judge him by his actions ONLY, never on his words. Now, what do you think of him? As a man? As a husband? As a father?



> yet its always a bargaining tool "if i stay in with you tonight, am I alright to go X tomorrow?" Its like I have to bribe him for his time! Even when he did spend time with me he spends his time looking miserable and on his phone.


 That is because, as you already know in your gut, he DOESN'T WANT to be with you and the kids. He likes the trappings of marriage, the appearance of marriage, the conveniences of marriage but not the actual REALITY of marriage! Big difference! He doesn't want to appear to the world (his family, his friends, and, most importantly, himself) to be a 'two-time loser' who can't hang onto a good woman. So he SAYS he wants you and the kids. He SAYS he can't live without you. He SAYS he'll try; and if you say 'trying' isn't good enough, he'll swear he'll actually DO better...BE better. But, he doesn't truly have the interest in carrying through on these empty promises. He's saying them merely to placate you into staying, into maintaining the status quo. Which is 'good enough' for him.



> what I dont understand is that if I was miserable with someone, and didnt want to spend time with them, and they offered me a guilt free way out, I would jump at the chance, so why isnt he?


 Because he has already considered: where is he going to live? how much of his paycheck will be left (he'll now be a single-income) after rent, utilities, food, child support? who's going to cook? clean? do laundry? pay bills? buy groceries? run errands? All of those NOT FUN THINGS are going to start impinging on his free-time, his fun-time. There'll be a whole lot less partying and laughing and good-timing and a whole lot more not-so-fun-grown-up-reality time! Why would an immature, selfish, self-centered man like him want to sign up for that? If he can keep you around with a few rote apologies, a few well-turned (in his mind) phrases, well, that's a whole lot less effort than ACTUALLY living on his own and having to man-up and be an adult!



> He says he is going to think before he speaks, well if thats the case...why not do it for the past 7 years?


 More empty promises! I have a book YOU NEED TO READ. It's "Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to end the Cycle of Manipulation" by Dr. Harriet Braiker. (more on that later)



> I think Im the one that needs counselling, I have no idea at what point I thought someone treating me like this was OK. I should have put my foot down sooner. I just didnt want to be a "nag"


 You DO need counseling, serious counseling. You are seriously codependent! You're more worried about HIM than you are about YOU; that is so backward. Now you're not a 'nag'; now he'll make you the 'bytch who wouldn't give him a chance' while he's the 'martyr who's trying SO HARD'. Only problem (from his POV) is that you're now hard-hearted...translate that into 'not buying his song-and-dance of manipulation any longer.



> how can he loose two 7 year marriages with the same behaviours?


 Because he has the same things BROKEN inside of him that he did two relationships ago. If he works on changing NOTHING about himself, then nothing will change in his life. And ditto for you, SundayGirl! If YOU do not acknowledge and change what is wrong with you, you will be in ANOTHER relationship with a manipulative man. You and your children (who are learning about marriage from viewing yours; who are learning about men/women relationships and how to be in them by viewing YOUR relationship with your H), ALL OF YOU deserve more, better, healthy...not broken! Another book you NEED TO READ is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.



> how ridiculous. the man is nearly 40! How refreshing not to come home and have to watch garbage on "HIS" tv...! and my little girl took a wee on her potty and spilled some and we didnt have WW3. I just cleaned it up without a fuss. Feeling better today


 And this is the kind of happy, sane, normal, peace-filled, loving, accepting, joy-filled home you can offer your kids PERMANENTLY by removing yourselves from a toxic situation and getting YOURSELF straight! If your H never does, that is on him! If he does in 2-5 years, good for him! He can help you co-parent your kids in a healthy way. Doesn't mean you have to be married to him. Doesn't mean you can't revisit marriage years and years from now if he ever TRULY straightens himself up! 

The reality is that you can't COUNT on him ever straightening up (for himself, for his kids, for you). So, move forward as though he will always be a mess. Get control of your life as though you will have to single-parent these kids to adulthood. If you must actually do so, you'll be prepared to do so well. If your H ever turns himself around, there will be less stress/burden on you to raise the children.

Once you're done reading your thread today, PLEASE go buy the two books I mentioned. You can buy e-versions TODAY. Even if you don't have a Kindle/Nook, amazon.com offers a FREE Kindle download for laptop computers. Free, mind you. So, go download it, buy both of the books, and START READING. First, you should read "Codependent No More". It may take you a week or so, but be sure to WRITE DOWN the answers to every question at the end of every chapter. Use it like a workbook and you'll learn plenty about SundayGirl that you either DIDN'T know or didn't want to actually acknowledge. Once you 'acknowledge' your problems and 'why' you're like you are, you can start addressing them and changing yourself into a stronger, healthier person.

Second, "Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to End the Cycle of Manipulation" will only take you a couple of days to read. You'll learn to start identifying WHEN and HOW your H is manipulating you. Once you recognize the signs, you can change your behaviors and your mindset.

Good luck, SundayGirl; you have your work cut out for you. You and your children can be in a MUCH better, healthier, happier place by July 2014 (6 months) and even stronger by January 2015 (one year)! Your H is on his own. Your plate will be very full caring in a healthy manner for yourself and the children.


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## sunday girl (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you so much for your time and advice, Im off to amazon to buy those books, I need to feel like Im doing something to make progress. thank you so much. x


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

sunday girl said:


> He says he loves me, and I love him...I just dont love his behaviour.


That's what I said about my wife at 7 AM when we spoke on the phone. When we spoke again at 6 PM she dumped me. :scratchhead:

Considering that and what I shared earlier, do you notice a pattern?

Know why Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy? Because they let the relationship become more important to them than their own lives.

You either need to learn to accept his behavior and how it makes you feel, or you need to leave him. Those are things you can control. You can't control what he feels or how he behaves.


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## Blindsided13 (Jan 11, 2014)

Good advice I'm glad I came across this thread!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are doing the right thing to say it cannot go on. He needs to prove a lot to reconcile

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Beccascircus (Apr 24, 2014)

my 13 yr old asked me when was I filing for Divorce.. That woke me up.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

ALANON, ALANON, ALANON is a program for family members of people with a drinking problem. You ought to google it and look for meetings in your area. Also I agree that you would be better off without him. You sound like a nice woman, but one who is firstly codependent and secondly enabling his behavior. This is not your fault as you do not realize what you are doing. Your husband is a prick, and if you are not careful he may very well hurt you. 

At the very least he does not respect you going by his actions. Love is an action word, not just a feeling. If he loves you his actions will demonstrate that more than his words, which IMO ring hollow. Getting drunk, squaring up to you, and going out(partying) with single a woman is not a demonstration of love. It show a complete lack of love. It does show selfishness, disrespect and a lack of love. It also indicates abuse-emotional and otherwise.


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