# Husband recently revealed something to me...



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I’ve been married for 8 years, and we have been in a relationship for about 10 years. My husband tends to be a secretive person. Before we got together, he had recently divorced. He was honest about the fact that he had been married before, but he lied about the fact that she and him were no longer in contact with each other. They had no children, she moved off to some other state, and quickly got remarried. I didn’t see any reason for them to still be talking to each other, and obviously he knew I would have a problem with this, which is why he lied. If I brought her up, he would act like he had no idea what was going on in her life and that they hadn’t been in contact with each other for a long time. I just felt like he wasn’t being totally truthful, so I decided to log into his email account one day. I found many emails where they had been going back and forth during the time that he claimed he wasn’t talking to her anymore. They weren’t sexual or flirtatious in nature, but they were long, detailed emails of her telling him all about her new life/new husband and him telling her all about me. I felt betrayed that he was talking to her behind my back, and that he was talking to her about ME and about our relationship. I was under the impression that she didn’t even know about me up until this point. He then changed the password on his email and all he wanted to talk about was how it was wrong of me to look into his emails. And yea, maybe it was, but I did it because I had suspicions that he wasn’t being honest, and I was right. He has since admitted that he was wrong for that, and that it was a mistake on his part. 

He is still kind of secretive though. He still doesn’t really like for me to look at his phone and I still don’t know his password to his email. I feel like by the relationship starting off the way it did, it made me have some trust issues. Even now, after 8 years of marriage, he is still revealing things to me that I didn’t know about. 

When we first got together, he told me that his first sexual encounter happened when he was a teenager, but he doesn’t consider it to be when he lost his virginity, because he never actually got to “finish”. He said at some point during the act, either his stepmom or his dad (I don’t remember which) had came home, so they had to stop. Anytime I would ask him details about this, he never wanted to say. I just assumed it was someone he went to school with and that he was embarrassed ahout it because he almost got caught by his parents. Recently, he revealed to me that the other person involved in this was his stepsister. The fact that it was his stepsister was the thing he was really embarrassed about. He said he never told me because he was embarrassed and I guess he was afraid of how I’d react. 

My reaction was basically just shock. I think I asked him 3 or 4 times if he was serious. I get that he was embarrassed to tell me, but I was more bothered by the fact that he kept it a secret all this time. His stepsister doesn’t live close to us so I’ve only been around her a couple of times. But to think that they had this secret between them that I had no clue about, I can’t help but to feel somewhat bothered by this. I haven’t been around his stepsister since he has mentioned this, but I feel like the next time I am around her, it’s going to be slightly awkward for me. He claims that they have never had any romantic feelings for each other and it was just one of those stupid things that teenagers do. But the fact that he tried to hide it for so long makes me wonder. If they never had anything between them and it was just two teenagers being stupid, why not just tell me that years ago? Anytime he hides stuff from me, I feel like there’s a reason why he’s hiding it. On the other hand, maybe he really didn’t tell me out of just pure embarrassment. I really don’t know. 

After I got over the initial shock, it really isn’t all that shocking considering how he grew up. He’s expressed to me that his stepmom was a highly sexual person. She had been married several times before getting with my husband’s dad, and he said she would tell my husband and his step siblings about all of her previous sexual encounters. I think he also said she would sometimes walk around the house naked or half naked after getting out of the shower and stuff like that. If you’re constantly having sex thrown in your face and especially if you’re a teenager with raging hormones already, it’s not really that surprising that something like this would happen. I just wish he could be more open with me about stuff. I’ve told him before that I’d much rather him just tell me something than for me to find out later or to find out on my own. I’ve heard that it’s a bad sign when your partner doesn’t want you looking at their phone/emails, etc. But is that always the case? Do you think he is just a secretive person in general maybe because of how he was raised? How can I get him to be more open?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. Individual and as a couple.

He had a dysfunctional upbringing, probably.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

"I just wish he could be more open with me about stuff. "

He told you he fooled around w/ his stepsister. That is really, really open, IMO too open. My wfie and I don't know details about each others' past lovers. The fact that he hid it isn't what's surprising, it's that he ever told you at all, or didn't clean up the worst details.

"I’ve heard that it’s a bad sign when your partner doesn’t want you looking at their phone/emails, etc. But is that always the case? " I don't want anyone reading my email, it is private. Friends tell me stuff they don't want me telling my wife. Sometimes I compose stories or songs, and I don't want anyone reading them unless/until I'm ready to share.

As for the ex, he shouldn't have lied to you but it sounds like they are just friends. I am just friends w/ my ex, and my wife respects that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How old were the step siblings when they met. How long had they known each other.

I will probably get flack gut what else is new. I personally don't see this as anything like incestuous especially if they hadn't known each other long and had met in their teen years. Just because one Mom and Dad get together doesn't mean their kids suddenly see themselves as family. I am not saying it's a good idea but honestly teenagers in puberty it happens. 

My feelings may change depending on the situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he definitely stopped contact with his ex now? With no children there is no need for any contact between them. Neither of us has any contact with our exes and haven't had for many years. 

I am a very honest and open person and I hate secrecy. I couldn't be with a man who kept secrets and lied to me. We are open with each other about our past lives and neither of us has any secrecy with phones etc.
It depends on what you can live with and what you cant. 

The step mum sounds awful, why didn't his dad stop her acting that way?


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

sokillme said:


> How old were the step siblings when they met. How long had they known each other.
> 
> I will probably get flack gut what else is new. I personally don't see this as anything like incestuous especially if they hadn't known each other long and had met in their teen years. Just because one Mom and Dad get together doesn't mean their kids suddenly see themselves as family. I am not saying it's a good idea but honestly teenagers in puberty it happens.
> 
> My feelings may change depending on the situation.


I think my husband was around 11 or 12 years old when his dad and stepmom got married. Then when he was 14, that’s when he went to live with his stepmom, dad and stepsiblings permanently. So my husband and his stepsister had known each other for maybe 4 or 5 years when this happened. 

I think it’s definitely a stupid thing to do, and he admits it was stupid too. But yea, considering the circumstances, I don’t know if I’d consider it incest either.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Has he definitely stopped contact with his ex now? With no children there is no need for any contact between them. Neither of us has any contact with our exes and haven't had for many years.
> 
> I am a very honest and open person and I hate secrecy. I couldn't be with a man who kept secrets and lied to me. We are open with each other about our past lives and neither of us has any secrecy with phones etc.
> It depends on what you can live with and what you cant.
> ...


As far as I know, he hasn’t talked to his ex in years. The thing that baffled me was anytime he would talk about her, he would go on and on about how horrible of a person she was and how he couldn’t even talk to her without his blood pressure going up, but then I saw them chit chatting in emails like they were best friends. I’m with you in the sense that I don’t think it’s appropriate for exes to be “friends” especially when you’ve both supposedly moved on and are in new relationships. He claims that he wasn’t lying when he talked about how horrible she was, and that he didn’t really want to talk to her, but that he just has a problem being confrontational. And yes, I will agree that he is a very non confrontational person. But my thing is, if she’s trying to make conversation with you and you don’t want to be confrontational about it, why not just ignore the email and say nothing? He wasn’t obligated to reply. 

I’m also like you in the way that I really value completely honesty and openness. If my husband wanted to look through my emails, my text messages, etc. at anytime, I wouldn’t care. I don’t think husbands and wives should have secrets. I’m not saying he needs to go into specific detail about what sex position they did or what she was wearing, but I do think you should have a pretty good idea of who your spouse has been with.

And I’ve asked my husband why his dad continued to stay with his stepmom but his dad is a lot like my husband when it comes to his personality. He’s a very laid back, passive, non confrontational type of person. I’m sure he knew what was going on but probably just didn’t know how to handle it.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

september_sky said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Has he definitely stopped contact with his ex now? With no children there is no need for any contact between them. Neither of us has any contact with our exes and haven't had for many years.
> ...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

september_sky said:


> t I do think you should have a pretty good idea of who your spouse has been with.


Funny, I think your situation is a good argument against this. I mean, has learning this improved your relationship?

But mostly, I just think it's personal and none of the spouse's business.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

september_sky said:


> I’ve been married for 8 years, and we have been in a relationship for about 10 years. My husband tends to be a secretive person. Before we got together, he had recently divorced. He was honest about the fact that he had been married before, but he lied about the fact that she and him were no longer in contact with each other. They had no children, she moved off to some other state, and quickly got remarried. I didn’t see any reason for them to still be talking to each other, and obviously he knew I would have a problem with this, which is why he lied. If I brought her up, he would act like he had no idea what was going on in her life and that they hadn’t been in contact with each other for a long time. I just felt like he wasn’t being totally truthful, so I decided to log into his email account one day. I found many emails where they had been going back and forth during the time that he claimed he wasn’t talking to her anymore. They weren’t sexual or flirtatious in nature, but they were long, detailed emails of her telling him all about her new life/new husband and him telling her all about me. I felt betrayed that he was talking to her behind my back, and that he was talking to her about ME and about our relationship. I was under the impression that she didn’t even know about me up until this point. He then changed the password on his email and all he wanted to talk about was how it was wrong of me to look into his emails. And yea, maybe it was, but I did it because I had suspicions that he wasn’t being honest, and I was right. He has since admitted that he was wrong for that, and that it was a mistake on his part.
> 
> He is still kind of secretive though. He still doesn’t really like for me to look at his phone and I still don’t know his password to his email. I feel like by the relationship starting off the way it did, it made me have some trust issues. Even now, after 8 years of marriage, he is still revealing things to me that I didn’t know about.
> 
> ...


I agree with the counseling suggestion - both individual and couple...but NOT because there is anything wrong at all with either one of you. It's because counseling would be helpful so you two can build some trust in each other and not feel this shame or mate-guarding thing that is going on right now. 

I could substitute my husband for yours in some ways regarding his years of past secretiveness, etc. We busted that stuff down with therapy and by turning towards each other slowly inching closer and closer towards trust and intimacy. 

My personal feeling is that spousal emails and electronics are not private between spouses - unless they both agree to keeping those things separate and private. Openness and honesty is what trusting relationships are built upon. That said, guarding a spouse's privacy from others is crucial to earning a spouse's trust also.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I find it hard to believe that it was the only time with the step sister.

The emails, he was caught outright lying.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me put it to you this way: Your husband is a sneaky person who speaks out both sides of his mouth. He talks down his ex, then proceeds to engage in warm, friendly emails with her … ABOUT YOU. He certainly doesn't have your back, does he? I would question his loyalty. Why? Because sneaky people operate under the radar. They do what they want to do without thought to how it may affect others. In this case, YOU.

No, I don't think a partner has to share the salacious details about former sex partners. Some people have a need to know everything, others not so much. I'd certainly want to know if a potential partner had any sort of STD, such as herpes, but I'm not the type who is interested in who did what to who.

Granted, your husband may be withholding some information because he's embarrassed. But the communication with his ex? Uh, no. Just. No. And you don't have his passwords to his phone and email? Again, just NO. The cornerstone of marriage is mutual trust and transparency.

Why don't you sit your husband down and give it to him straight. Tell him you want access to all his social media. If he gets defensive and tells you to MYOB, then I think the next question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can live with this type of relationship.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > t I do think you should have a pretty good idea of who your spouse has been with.
> ...


What if one spouse cheats on the other? Telling your spouse you cheated on them certainly won’t make them feel good and will definitely not improve the relationship. Do you think that should also be kept secret? Not trying to be snarky, I’m genuinely asking. Because I know some people would say if you cheat just don’t do it again and never tell your spouse about it because it will only cause conflict. I don’t agree with that at all though. I think marriage requires 100% honesty.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Let me put it to you this way: Your husband is a sneaky person who speaks out both sides of his mouth. He talks down his ex, then proceeds to engage in warm, friendly emails with her … ABOUT YOU. He certainly doesn't have your back, does he? I would question his loyalty. Why? Because sneaky people operate under the radar. They do what they want to do without thought to how it may affect others. In this case, YOU.
> 
> No, I don't think a partner has to share the salacious details about former sex partners. Some people have a need to know everything, others not so much. I'd certainly want to know if a potential partner had any sort of STD, such as herpes, but I'm not the type who is interested in who did what to who.
> 
> ...


I think this would be a good idea too. And if he wants my passwords, I have no problem giving them to him. Maybe he’s worried I will be going through his phone at 3 AM while he’s asleep or something but that isn’t my intention. I just think it’d be nice to know that we have the option to look at each other’s messages/social media accounts if we want to. I think it would show that we both feel we have nothing to hide. I think at one point he might have told me the password to his phone but I forgot. I later asked him for it again and I think he just said “You already know it. I already told you.” and was acting like he didn’t want to tell me again.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My concern would be that your husband is a liar--not just a secretive person. Anyone can tell the truth when it doesn't make them look bad. He obfuscates, avoids, straight out lies. Truth is necessary for trust. You can count on his lack of honesty when he so chooses.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

september_sky said:


> Maybe he’s worried I will be going through his phone at 3 AM while he’s asleep or something but that isn’t my intention. I just think it’d be nice to know that we have the option to look at each other’s messages/social media accounts if we want to. ... I think at one point he might have told me the password to his phone but I forgot. I later asked him for it again and I think he just said “You already know it. I already told you.” and *was acting like he didn’t want to tell me again*.


Denial is a powerful thing. See, the thing is your husband has lied to you. Now he's not keen on giving you passwords. Who cares if he's worried if you go through his phone at 3:00 a.m. SERIOUSLY? YOU ARE HIS WIFE. If you want to go through his phone in the middle of the night and he doesn't like it, then that's his problem, not yours.

You are denying the seriousness of the situation by minimizing it. That's you're right. But I can't understand why or how you tolerate a liar. And the way you described his long emails with his ex has EA written all over it.

Have you ever gotten angry at him for pulling this crap?


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe he’s worried I will be going through his phone at 3 AM while he’s asleep or something but that isn’t my intention. I just think it’d be nice to know that we have the option to look at each other’s messages/social media accounts if we want to. ... I think at one point he might have told me the password to his phone but I forgot. I later asked him for it again and I think he just said “You already know it. I already told you.” and *was acting like he didn’t want to tell me again*.
> ...


Yes. I was angry and very upset when I found out about the email thing. And I explained why I was angry about it. 1) because he lied about the fact that he had no contact with her anymore 2) because he had always talked so negatively about her but then they were chatting it up like best friends, and telling her all about our personal business. Yet, he still managed to turn it around on me and got angry back at me. All he seemed to care about was that I was looking in his emails, which is why he changed his password shortly after. 

Speaking of emotional affairs, his ex actually had one of those when they were married. He said everytime she was on the computer and he would walk in, she would start closing stuff out. And he would sometimes hear her laugh while on the computer but then he would come in and she would suddenly clam up. He started to suspect something was going on so he figured out the password to her email account one day and started reading through her emails. She had been emailing this guy back and forth for a while. He confronted her about it and they split up soon after. Back then, I was younger and I didn’t really see the hypocrisy at the time. But looking back on it, he has no room to talk about me looking through his emails when he did the exact same thing to his ex when he suspected something wasn’t right. I don’t know if what my husband had with his ex was an EA but I remember that’s how I felt at the time. I felt like they still had feelings and they just weren’t ready to completely let go. He’s even admitted to me before that once youve been with someone for several years, it’s hard to just suddenly stop talking. But I certainly think I could do it if I was in a relationship with someone new. All my focus would be on my new partner, not my ex. 

When I first moved in with him, I also found a bunch of photo albums in the hallway closet from their wedding and other random pictures of them. He specifically told me before this that he had gotten rid of any photos like that because he knew I was jealous and he didn’t want me to see stuff like that. When I confronted him about them, he claimed he didn’t know they were there. I found that hard to believe. They weren’t hidden somewhere in the closet. They were in plain sight. He did get rid of them after that after he saw how upset I was. Looking back on it, maybe it wasn’t right for me to expect him to get rid of the photos, but I was very young and more insecure back then. I just felt like it was one more thing that he needed to part with in order to completely let go of what they had, and by him hanging onto them, I felt that was another sign that he wasn’t ready to move on. 

He never did admit that his behavior pertaining to the email thing was wrong until years later. A couple years after we got married, he started seeing a psychologist. Anytime I bring up stuff like this from the past, he says there are a lot of things he did before he started therapy, that he wouldn’t do now. I do feel like the therapy has changed him in a lot of ways, but I guess there’s still a part of me that still has trouble totally trusting him, especially since he still to this day seems hesitant to let me look at his phone.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have things in my past that I don't want to tell people or talk about. That's my choice to make and I would find it intrusive to be expected to lay my soul bare to my partner, or anyone. I can see why he wouldn't want to talk about his first sexual experience with you, and that he gave you any detail at all surprises me. I've never shared that detail with anyone, and there's nothing in there I would even have reason to feel ashamed about, it's just private. I wouldn't call that secretive.

Lying is different though. That's never acceptable. The fact that he lied about being in contact with his ex, and lied for so long and repeatedly, doesn't bode well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

september_sky said:


> I think this would be a good idea too. And if he wants my passwords, I have no problem giving them to him. Maybe he’s worried I will be going through his phone at 3 AM while he’s asleep or something but that isn’t my intention. I just think it’d be nice to know that we have the option to look at each other’s messages/social media accounts if we want to. I think it would show that we both feel we have nothing to hide. I think at one point he might have told me the password to his phone but I forgot. *I later asked him for it again and I think he just said “You already know it. I already told you.” and was acting like he didn’t want to tell me again*.


He likely did, it is likely the same.

When opportune, say on a road trip; saying yours is out of charge; actually run it out of charge, then ask to borrow his.

Get the password, write it down.

I think he is tired of being accused. 

Rightfully so?
Likely, sounds rightfully not.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Your husband deceived you on many fronts. Deception is wrong. I am appalled though not at all surprised that some of the same posters who will bash a woman 6 ways from Sunday for lying about how many men she dated are actually giving your husband a pass on this thread. What your husband has done is a betrayal. And he has not learned from it because he is still secretive. Once you betray your partner, you don't get to hide your phone and have secrets. Marriage counseling is definitely in order.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

september_sky said:


> How can I get him to be more open?


By not accusing him of things and not sneaking around checking up on him. 

You're supposed to be his best friend, the person he trusts more than anyone else. You're setting the wrong stage. 

Drop it all and just dedicate yourself to being a caring, sharing, trustworthy partner. It took my husband 10 years before he started really trusting that I wasn't going to do anything to hurt him. Now I can't shut him up; he tells me EVERYTHING, whether I want to hear it or not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Separation and divorce does not give one of those participants license to "kiss and tell!" More especially in regards to the particulars of future relationships!*


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

september_sky said:


> What if one spouse cheats on the other? Telling your spouse you cheated on them certainly won’t make them feel good and will definitely not improve the relationship. Do you think that should also be kept secret? Not trying to be snarky, I’m genuinely asking. Because I know some people would say if you cheat just don’t do it again and never tell your spouse about it because it will only cause conflict. I don’t agree with that at all though. I think marriage requires 100% honesty.


Yes, there appears to be two schools of thought on cheating. But the 100% honesty is what I agree with also.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> By not accusing him of things and not sneaking around checking up on him.
> 
> You're supposed to be his best friend, the person he trusts more than anyone else. You're setting the wrong stage.
> 
> Drop it all and just dedicate yourself to being a caring, sharing, trustworthy partner. It took my husband 10 years before he started really trusting that I wasn't going to do anything to hurt him. Now I can't shut him up; he tells me EVERYTHING, whether I want to hear it or not.


I can see how your viewpoint and actions would work. It takes a lot of patience.

However, I think a liar needs to be nipped in the bud at every turn. Lying has no place in a marriage and that needs to be established early on. There's ways of dealing with this that I think therapy really helps. Liars often lie to therapists also, though. 

What if there was a compromise between being a loving, compassionate spouse but also drawing a line and standing one's ground when it comes to openness and honesty? 

It took my husband over 20 years to stop the lying pattern. It was so ingrained in him that it took persistence and a lot of work to stop that behavior.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Phones, passwords, ability to look at each others should be a given. That supports a firm foundation. 

The xwife contact should be nipped in the bud, although it's at the flower stage now.

The lying isn't to be tolerated, get mad. 

As far as telling all about pre relationship topics, that may well depend on one's age when a couple meets.

My W and I met and married young, and after 34 yrs of M there's not much unknown about our childhoods even. 

If we'd met older, and according to some of our friends, then ones early history can, may stay unshared for many years if ever shared. Because things may not have anything to do with their permanent current relationship. 

I couldn't fathom, but some believe that's normal.

Who's to say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

september_sky said:


> How can I get him to be more open?


If you want him to be more open, you have to make it safe for him to be more open. Your reaction to him fooling around with his step sister is a good example of you not making it safe for him to be open with you. 

What he did with his step sister is not really incestuous since there is no blood connection between then. The entire thing is probably just teens being stupid. I can understand why he did not want to tell you that he did this with his step-sister. On the surface it breaks societal taboos. So he would only reveal it if he felt safe. If you react badly to him revealing the thing with his stepsister, he's not likely to share much else with you. Why would he?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In my opinion, there should be no secrets in marriage. In marriage, privacy means you can close the bathroom door when to use the toilet.

Each of you should have each other's passwords and have absolute right to look at each other's phones, email and other online accounts. Here is a good article on "The Policy of Radical Honesty". 

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

You seem unsure about what you can reasonably expect in marriage. There are two books that I think would help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". My suggestion is that you read them and do the work that they suggest. Then talk to your husband and get him to read them and do the work that they suggest with you. They will help you restructure your marriage to be much more open, stronger and more passionate.

And remember that "The Policy of Radical Honesty" requires that it's safe for both of you to share your 'secrets' with each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

september_sky said:


> I think my husband was around 11 or 12 years old when his dad and stepmom got married. Then when he was 14, that’s when he went to live with his stepmom, dad and stepsiblings permanently. So my husband and his stepsister had known each other for maybe 4 or 5 years when this happened.
> 
> I think it’s definitely a stupid thing to do, and he admits it was stupid too. But yea, considering the circumstances, I don’t know if I’d consider it incest either.


Since he did not even start to live in the same home with his stepsister, it's really not all that stupid for them to experiment sexually. They were at a prime age and obviously found each other attractive. They did what teens do. It's not all that uncommon for step siblings to do this, especially when they did not grow up together. I think it would be kind of you to tell your husband that what he did was not stupid. He really should not beat up on himself for this.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Phones, passwords, ability to look at each others should be a given. That supports a firm foundation.
> 
> The xwife contact should be nipped in the bud, although it's at the flower stage now.
> 
> ...


Just to be clear, I don’t think he has talked to the ex in a few years. Of course, since I don’t have access to his emails, I can’t say that with 100% certainty but I’m pretty sure. I brought it up because I feel like that incident is the major reason why I have a hard time totally trusting him. Up until that point, I thought he was perfect and would never lie to me. He was my first real relationship, my first everything. I was crazy about him. I had this gut feeling that something was off, which is why I looked at his emails. But, I think I didn’t really expect to find anything. So when I actually did, I was shocked and very hurt. I think the beginning of a relationship is a crucial time because you’re just starting to build up trust between each other. So when this happened, it sent me the message early on that I couldn’t totally trust him. And I think it’s why to this day, I still have trouble completely trusting him. 

The thing between him and his stepsister had happened about 10 years prior to us meeting. But I remember he voluntarily told me about this incident very early on. He just never went into specifics about the other person involved in the incident up until recently. 

Therapy, as some others have suggested, probably would be beneficial to us. He’s went to therapy before but I don’t think they really talked about marriage related stuff.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > I think my husband was around 11 or 12 years old when his dad and stepmom got married. Then when he was 14, that’s when he went to live with his stepmom, dad and stepsiblings permanently. So my husband and his stepsister had known each other for maybe 4 or 5 years when this happened.
> ...


I will check out that link and those books that you posted. Thank you for your suggestions. I agree that I don’t think it was incest. And I actually did tell him that I don’t think negatively of him for it. I was just shocked initially because after all these years, his stepsister was not the person that I pictured in that scenario. But after a few minutes, I was over the initial shock and I told him that considering how his stepmom was, what he did isn’t really all that surprising. I mean like I said, when you’re a hormonal teenager and then you have your sex addict stepmom constantly telling you about all of her past sexual endeavors, walking around the house naked/half naked, etc. he really could have done much worse things considering the environment he grew up in. I know earlier I said it was a stupid thing to do, but I never told HIM that it was stupid. And honestly, yes, I don’t think it’s a wise thing to do (and he agrees) but I don’t hold it against him because 1)he was very young 2) he was living in a very over sexualized household at that time. 

I totally get what you’re saying about how he needs to feel like he can tell me things without me reacting in a judgmental way. I try my best to be as compassionate and as understanding as I can with him. I wasn’t very compassionate when I found out about the emails to his ex but I don’t think compassion was warranted there. In that case, he was the one that deliberately lied to me. He obviously didn’t have compassion for me when he was emailing his ex behind my back and lying to me about it. He knew it would hurt me and he did it anyway. I think compassion needs to go both ways. You get what you give.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happiness27 said:


> I can see how your viewpoint and actions would work. It takes a lot of patience.
> 
> However, I think a liar needs to be nipped in the bud at every turn. Lying has no place in a marriage and that needs to be established early on. There's ways of dealing with this that I think therapy really helps. Liars often lie to therapists also, though.
> 
> ...


Not arguing that. And I would have gotten to that eventually. But I think the OP's behavior is partially responsible for his attitude - but not for the lying. I'm just saying if you want a trusting relationship, start with a trusting attitude - and THEN deal with any lying. Find out WHY he was lying. Many men lie to their wives just because it was what they did with their moms to stay out of trouble; they don't even know how to not lie. Others feel they're not being trusted from the get-go so see no reason to provide transparency. Others simply still want to eat cake and get the feel good from their ex plus their wife. We really don't know WHY this was happening, so it's hard to give advice that's accurate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

september_sky said:


> I totally get what you’re saying about how he needs to feel like he can tell me things without me reacting in a judgmental way. I try my best to be as compassionate and as understanding as I can with him. I wasn’t very compassionate when I found out about the emails to his ex but I don’t think compassion was warranted there. In that case, he was the one that deliberately lied to me. He obviously didn’t have compassion for me when he was emailing his ex behind my back and lying to me about it. He knew it would hurt me and he did it anyway. I think compassion needs to go both ways. You get what you give.


I agree that he was wrong in lying to you about his ex wife and I agree that there was no reason for compassion in that situation. If it were me, I might have informed her husband about their email exchange.

I'm not always opposed to ex's having contact. Some people pull it off just fine and it's never a problem But, his lying is the problem. Depending on what they were sharing about their personal lives, that can be a problem as well.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I can look into my wife's cell and she can look into mine. We can peruse each other's emails too.
Nothing to hide! I'll answer her phone, and she sometimes answers mine.
I hope you see where this is going.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

september_sky said:


> What if one spouse cheats on the other? Telling your spouse you cheated on them certainly won’t make them feel good and will definitely not improve the relationship. Do you think that should also be kept secret? Not trying to be snarky, I’m genuinely asking. Because I know some people would say if you cheat just don’t do it again and never tell your spouse about it because it will only cause conflict. I don’t agree with that at all though. I think marriage requires 100% honesty.


It's cool, I don't think you're being snarky.

I think the important difference is that if he cheated on you, it is very much your business as he broke a vow he made to you and it tells you a lot about what you can expect from him. As for who he had sex w/ before he met you, none of that is true.

I am in favor of honesty, but it isn't being dishonest to say "You shouldn't ask that so I'm not telling."


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> I can look into my wife's cell and she can look into mine. We can peruse each other's emails too.
> Nothing to hide! I'll answer her phone, and she sometimes answers mine.
> *I hope you see where this is going.*


Wearing each others' undies?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he was what, 14, 15, 16?when he and his step sister had sex? How old was she?


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> So he was what, 14, 15, 16?when he and his step sister had sex? How old was she?


I think he was 15-16 and I believe she is a year or two younger than him.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

Your husband did this stupid thing when he was a teenager. It's really embarrassing to tell anyone about stuff like this, especially to your partner. On the other hand, if your husband is in contact with his ex. wife and they are talking normally about their lives then you need not be bothered. It is usual.


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