# hoping my wife can change to start pleasing me



## justwantlove (Aug 13, 2013)

how do i get my wife and mother of our 3 children to want me and desire me and give me blowjobs and get really dirty?

she has always been low drive and i high drive. we have sex about once a month at the moment. always me initiate, always after me getting pissed off when been turned down and virtually demanding it. always i have to get her off first etc.

we had a bust up recently (cut a long story short- have threatened to leave if t doesn't improve as it depresses me so much) where she was reading a book "entwined with you" which is a graphic ladies novel describing a woman really into givng her lover bj's. this hurt me a lot when i read it and thought-how an you read about this and enjoy it when you do nothing like this for me!? it also turned me on to think she could be like this if she inspired by the book. she has given me two bj;s in last year but with flavoured condoms on. (still enjoyed them immensely but obviously be better without condom)

so im really working on how to make her be like that. we had some really affectionate sex last night but again after i spent 10-15mins kissing her tits and getting her warmed up and making her orgasm, when t was my turn she started saying "come on,hurry up" and not really giving me the pleasure i want.

any men or women got tips on what ican do to awaken this sexual person inside her, whch know is in there somewhere!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

justwantlove said:


> how do i get my wife and mother of our 3 children to want me and desire me and give me blowjobs and get really dirty?
> 
> she has always been low drive and i high drive. we have sex about once a month at the moment. always me initiate, always after me getting pissed off when been turned down and virtually demanding it. always i have to get her off first etc.
> 
> ...


How selfish of her. She had better wake up soon or she'll be a single mom!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justwantlove said:


> any men or women got tips on what ican do to awaken this sexual person inside her, whch know is in there somewhere!


You are assuming that she isn't sexual. You shouldn't. All you know for sure is that her libido isn't focused on you. That is different. It's quite possible that your wife uses romance novels and other outlets as her sexual release because she's not attracted to you.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and read up on how to become more attractive to your wife. If she's attracted to you, she will likely want to have sex with you. If you're attractive enough, she will feel that she needs to have sex with you to keep you happy.

Another poster once said that a wife should feel safe being sexual with her husband. And she should feel unsafe denying him sex. That's what you want.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

justwantlove said:


> how do i get my wife and mother of our 3 children to want me and desire me and give me blowjobs and get really dirty?
> 
> she has always been low drive and i high drive. we have sex about once a month at the moment. always me initiate, always after me getting pissed off when been turned down and virtually demanding it. always i have to get her off first etc.
> 
> ...



Damn! A whole 15 minutes of kissing her tits and she rushes you? Ingrate!

How to Please a Woman Sexually and Emotionally - Lovepanky

Foreplay and Sex Tips | Men's Health

11 Tips To Satisfy Any Woman Sexually - AskMen

Emotional needs questionnaire at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

I also strongly suggest you read the erotic romances your wife reads. You want her to respond to you like the protagonsit does in the books? Then act like the men in the book...eye opening read for a guy like you no doubt.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Or you can read " great sex" by Michael Castleman. Its written for guys.

Maybe she should pleasure you first after she's been warmed up a bit? Is sex totally focused on her until orgasm and then it's "your turn"? That doesnt sound good.

I know a lot of men recommend MMSL but my hubby is as beta as they get and we have tons of sex and I desire him. Lots of sexual women in similar situations.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FemBot said:


> I know a lot of men recommend MMSL but my hubby is as beta as they get and we have tons of sex and I desire him. Lots of sexual women in similar situations.


I agree that no relationship advice, or approach, is one size fits all. But, I would say about 90% of the men who come here complaining about wives who are withholding sex are too beta and would benefit from MMSL.

Your husband may be heavy on beta and light on alpha, but he also wouldn't be here complaining about no sex. I would put that in the "don't fix what ain't broke" category.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

In those books the male lead is always a very handsome rich guy who knows absolutely everything about how to pleasure a woman without being told. Its a female fantasy to have a man know exactly what to do for you and makes the ladies want to give blow jobs (which they are perfect at) even if they wouldn't normally do that kind of thing.

That aside - I'm suspicious your wife is faking orgasms. It almost sounds like she fakes one so you will move on and then she just has to endure till you get off. She doesn't sound like a woman who enjoys sex (this doesn't need to reflect in your performance, she likely isn't opening up to you emotionally to allow you to work with her on sexual fulfillment.)


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My complaint with the MMSL book is that it is supposedly a marriage book, yet it talks nothing about LOVE.

WTF good is a marriage book by an author that has literally ZERO understanding or concept of LOVE?

The main goal of MMSL is to "help men get sex". Again, the idea of love is completely washed out and considered useless...it is all about "getting sex".


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

"c'mon hurry up????" how mean and cruel and unromantic and ungrateful. how sad that she's in a rush to finish the 1x/month sex. Have you outright asked her what you can do to make your sex life more exciting to her? Maybe suggest reading sex techniques books together to try new things. Is she openminded at all?


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## justwantlove (Aug 13, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> "c'mon hurry up????" how mean and cruel and unromantic and ungrateful. how sad that she's in a rush to finish the 1x/month sex. Have you outright asked her what you can do to make your sex life more exciting to her? Maybe suggest reading sex techniques books together to try new things. Is she openminded at all?


it does hurt that I put all the effort and energy into getting what I want i.e sex, and in the end I have fully satisfied and pleasured her only for when its my turn to get pleasure it is a disappointment. 
at the moment I am just happy to get anything although I am going to make sure it improves. I don't want to live my life not being desired anymore.
I'm no brad pitt but I ave a good physique I work out play sports
I have spent time reading and working on improving other aspects of our marriage with the emotional needs questionairres etc. I am putting loads of effort into pleasing her -listening, housework, cuddles(when she lets me near her) and being an alpha male etc. i'm not an alpha male and I probably do need to work on this big time to be fair. I think I have fallen into a rut of accepting crap sex but im not gonna do it anymore. I am demanding this now. 
I am reading the book too so I know what shes read and what this guy in the book is getting, and I will expect that she should want to do this for me. I am also acting more like this man (dominant etc)
I will have to look at MMSL and see what its about


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## justwantlove (Aug 13, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> In those books the male lead is always a very handsome rich guy who knows absolutely everything about how to pleasure a woman without being told. Its a female fantasy to have a man know exactly what to do for you and makes the ladies want to give blow jobs (which they are perfect at) even if they wouldn't normally do that kind of thing.
> 
> That aside - I'm suspicious your wife is faking orgasms. It almost sounds like she fakes one so you will move on and then she just has to endure till you get off. She doesn't sound like a woman who enjoys sex (this doesn't need to reflect in your performance, she likely isn't opening up to you emotionally to allow you to work with her on sexual fulfillment.)


no she isn't faking, she shakes a lot etc. and I believe her. she's the only woman I have given an orgasm to so... she just has 1 orgasm then she's done. whereas I could go again


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## justwantlove (Aug 13, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You are assuming that she isn't sexual. You shouldn't. All you know for sure is that her libido isn't focused on you. That is different. It's quite possible that your wife uses romance novels and other outlets as her sexual release because she's not attracted to you.
> 
> Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and read up on how to become more attractive to your wife. If she's attracted to you, she will likely want to have sex with you. If you're attractive enough, she will feel that she needs to have sex with you to keep you happy.
> 
> ...


she says she is attracted to me but her actions say different. so maybe youre right


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Short answer: you can't get her to change. You say she has always been low drive, so this shouldn't be a surprise. She will only change if she wants to, and what would motivate her to want to? I can't think of anything - but perhaps she might.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It would be almost better if she were faking because the alternative is that she really cares nothing for your sexual needs and desires. 

I don't know how a woman could be given an orgasm by her spouse and then turn around and tell them to come on, hurry up. Selfish for sure. She shouldn't flatter herself over you wanting that treatment more than once a month.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that no relationship advice, or approach, is one size fits all. But, I would say about 90% of the men who come here complaining about wives who are withholding sex are too beta and would benefit from MMSL.
> 
> Your husband may be heavy on beta and light on alpha, but he also wouldn't be here complaining about no sex. I would put that in the "don't fix what ain't broke" category.


I do agree but having read most of MMSL I think what gets the men more sex is the beta qualities (playing with the kids, taking care of cooking, making sure she takes care of herself which brings out the feminine which is sexual for women)...not the alpha! Just my opinion of course but most women have overgrown children as husbands. No one wants to have sex with that! I think men focus waaay too much on the alpha aspect of that book.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> In those books the male lead is always a very handsome rich guy who knows absolutely everything about how to pleasure a woman without being told. Its a female fantasy to have a man know exactly what to do for you and makes the ladies want to give blow jobs (which they are perfect at) even if they wouldn't normally do that kind of thing.
> 
> That aside - I'm suspicious your wife is faking orgasms. It almost sounds like she fakes one so you will move on and then she just has to endure till you get off. She doesn't sound like a woman who enjoys sex (this doesn't need to reflect in your performance, she likely isn't opening up to you emotionally to allow you to work with her on sexual fulfillment.)


:iagree: This is exactly what I was thinking.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - Why did you marry a low drive woman when your high drive? It's an obvious recipe for disaster. Asking her to become someone else after marriage is unfair IMO. 

If she is truly LD... then her changing to HD for you is about as likely as you changing to become LD for her. Get it?

I also wouldn't 'read' anything into what she reads in written form. I read lots of books about things/subjects i would never be into. I love autobiographies... but i don't want to climb mountains or run million dollar corporations. I just enjoy the read. 

Sometimes you do read about LD wives who up the sex if think their marriage and family is at stake. But if it's not who she really is...she won't be able to keep it up most likely.

My biggest suggestion is to keep the communication open and flowing.... keep reminding her that there is a big heart behind the big d!ck. A lot of women don't understand why sex is so important to men... physically and emotionally. 

There is a book called 'His needs Her needs. It talks about both spouses needs but it addresses mens NEED for sex in a better way than I have read before. It may well be educational for both of you.
We read it in bed together...one chapter a night. It's a lovely memory.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

justwantlove said:


> how do i get my wife and mother of our 3 children to want me and desire me and give me blowjobs and get really dirty?
> 
> she has always been low drive and i high drive. we have sex about once a month at the moment. always me initiate, always after me getting pissed off when been turned down and virtually demanding it. always i have to get her off first etc.
> 
> ...




Having 3 kids will change her hormones and not for the better. Don't expect much sex at all and going to a Dr and get meds to get her hormones back in check might be in order.

Plus she might of gained unwanted weight and doesn't feel sexy.

Or she might be scared of getting pregnant again and isn't in the mood.....

Or she is drained from raising 3 kids. That's a major stressful and demanding job.

When she says, come on, hurry up or are you done yet? She isn't taking care of your needs or really caring either. It's about what she wants.

I tell you right now, short of divorce papers, she won't change.

If she loves you, she should find you attractive and want to have sex with you and often, pleasing each other mutually.

She should want to give you BJ's and try other adventurous sex. Wearing a condom with your wife? She doesn't trust you or something else is wrong.

Remember, there are many woman out there who have high healthy and adventurous sex drives......


You can't make a LD spouse into a HD spouse by giving her more emotional support and meeting more of her needs. It won't change anything in the end. If it did work, TAM wouldn't be so busy. She has to want to change and to please you and if she still doesn't, nothing will change.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> My complaint with the MMSL book is that it is supposedly a marriage book, yet it talks nothing about LOVE.
> 
> WTF good is a marriage book by an author that has literally ZERO understanding or concept of LOVE?
> 
> The main goal of MMSL is to "help men get sex". Again, the idea of love is completely washed out and considered useless...it is all about "getting sex".


You're wrong. The book does talk a great deal about love. It just doesn't talk about love as you understand it. It's true that the book doesn't deal with love as a supernatural phenomenon that strikes suddenly when you find your soul mate. The book deals with love as your brain's interpretation of various chemicals (most significantly dopamine and oxytocin) being released in your body.

The book's treatment of love is more practical and helpful than if the author viewed love as a supernatural mystery. If love/attraction is a reaction to hormones and endorphines, then men can do things to cause their wives' bodies to release more of the good chemicals, which will result in more love/attraction. If love is a supernatural mystery, then men might as well sit around and pray or offer sacrifices to the gods.

Anyway, I count myself as one of the hundreds of men who have been helped by the book. My wife has more of the good chemicals in her body these days. And she expresses that by loving me more than she used to.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FemBot said:


> I do agree but having read most of MMSL I think what gets the men more sex is the beta qualities (playing with the kids, taking care of cooking, making sure she takes care of herself which brings out the feminine which is sexual for women)...not the alpha! Just my opinion of course but most women have overgrown children as husbands. No one wants to have sex with that! I think men focus waaay too much on the alpha aspect of that book.


I think you're looking at it from your perspective. You find beta traits sexier than alpha traits. Most women don't.

And I agree that many women have child-like husbands that they're not attracted to. But that's not alpha. Alpha traits include confidence, assertiveness, and leadership. You can't be alpha if your wife is running the show and mothering you.

I think most men are too beta. I think marriage naturally makes one more beta. Also, much of our media serves as propaganda telling men that they should strive to be beta because that's what women want. And most men will fall in line. As I wrote earlier, I think about 90% of men with marriage problems could improve things by adding alpha traits.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

It sounds like shes not really into you. She may love you, but not IN love with you. As far as what you can do to get her to change, I say you work on changing yourself. You can't change others. I'm not saying you shouldn't let her know how you feel, you should, but you work on you and she can work on herself.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I think you're looking at it from your perspective. You find beta traits sexier than alpha traits. Most women don't.
> 
> And I agree that many women have child-like husbands that they're not attracted to. But that's not alpha. Alpha traits include confidence, assertiveness, and leadership. You can't be alpha if your wife is running the show and mothering you.
> 
> I think most men are too beta. I think marriage naturally makes one more beta. Also, much of our media serves as propaganda telling men that they should strive to be beta because that's what women want. And most men will fall in line. As I wrote earlier, I think about 90% of men with marriage problems could improve things by adding alpha traits.


Maybe I'm confused about the traits because I find a lot of beta traits similar to alpha traits. I am attracted to alpha traits and beta traits and I think my H has a good balance. I think the part I disagree with is where you say most men are beta. I think most men are "nice guys" not beta. I don't think there is enough beta or alpha and I see both equally. Both are about taking care of your family and taking care of business.

Alphas take care of business
Betas take care of families
Omegas (nice guys) take care of themselves and no one else requiring the wife to do it all.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FemBot said:


> Maybe I'm confused about the traits because I find a lot of beta traits similar to alpha traits. I am attracted to alpha traits and beta traits and I think my H has a good balance. I think the part I disagree with is where you say most men are beta. I think most men are "nice guys" not beta. I don't think there is enough beta or alpha and I see both equally. Both are about taking care of your family and taking care of business.


We probably are talking past each other and both mean the same thing.

I tend to use Athol Kay's definitions of alpha traits building attraction and beta traits building comfort. Alpha traits would be confidence, assertiveness, physical fitness, handsomeness, wealth, and other things that women tend to find sexy. Beta traits would be kindness, good parenting, reliability, attentiveness, and other traits that women appreciate.

You may be right that most men aren't beta enough. Perhaps most men could add both kinds of traits to be better husbands. But, I think on the pH scale of alpha/beta traits, most men (especially married men) are skewed toward being more beta than they are alpha.


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## justwantlove (Aug 13, 2013)

PHTlump i want to thankyou SO much! i downloaded the book after reading some free excerpts and WOW it has opened my eyes. i read it start to finish in about 2 days, and am now reading it over again.

i now know why my wife doesn't find me attractive and that is because i have been way too beta and almost zero alpha. 

it has made so much sense to me. i have basically been a passenger in the marriage letting her make all the decisions and trying to make her happy by being beta, and while that has made her comfortable it hasnt attracted her to me. 

since i started the book i have been a different man and i can see her noticing and RESPONDING to it. I have been the one to say where we go for lunch, the one to place the order, the man that can control the kids, i've rang a guy up to get our money back over something without even being asked ( i would have never done this before) i am working out and making an effort with my clothes and appearance.

now, although last monday was last when we had sex, i am able to touch her more and we have been hugging and kissing. like this morning she kissed me before she went to work, and it was completely spontaneous. she is on her period at the moment so it can only get better

this is going to take time but even if this doesnt work and sex doesnt improve i will be happier in the marriage not being a chump anymore

Thanks


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