# Change - Juicy Sex..or Passion



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I have been on this forum for some time and I must say that at times its a way to get out my feelings and talk to some other people since this topic of SEX seems to be an issue.

This has been a week from hell however the last 6 months have been very interesting kind of experiment and I would like INPUT from the women based on the facts I am about to share:

First I have had conversations with my wife now for the last 3 years about sex and how we can work together to have a plan to improve and grow our relationship.

Every time I bring it up she tends to hang on some incidents and she refers to them as EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME, ANY TIME ( extreme description) The last time we discussed sex and making marriage priorities it was like 3 months ago and before that 3 months before...when i do bring it up - she said she feels pressure... and that I talk about it every day and every hour ..
...yet we have no plan, no solution and no ideas - - she seems 
to avoid the solution all of the time.

She said that I am unhappy..she has a belief that I am an unhappy person ...this belief I think she holds onto. She mixes me wanting to be the best at my work and what I do with that I am unhappy.. I am a super achiever and I want to be the best ...
...the other things that is driving me nuts is ...

We dont have sex. We had sex one time in the last 6 months and when I have a discussion she states all of the pressure..my question is how pressuresome is sex once in 6 months ....

She tells me what I should be doing at work and gets a bit kind of huffy almost as if I intentionally dont think and she wants to teach me ..yet it makes e feel kind of disrespected especially when she rides me on something I need to do ..

In the last two years before I made almost 500k in income, we have no bills, no huge debt, we both work out 5 days a week.

My routine is this. I wake up every day around 5-6 am, get ready for work - wake up my wife whos sleeping before I leave to get my own breakfast at a cafe ...before work.

I work all day and usually after work I pick up my daughter..then either pick up dinner or we go out for dinner, my wife gives bath to daughter and then usually almost every night I put my daughter to sleep... when I come out to room my wife is usually on the computer until 10 pm at night ..if I do initiate its that she is tired ....

The times when my wife says I give her weird looks or act mean - is when she tells me what to do in a demeaning tone or negative tone...

A huge part of my upset in life these days has to do with the fact that I truly want to spend my time with wife..I want to have sex and want her to want to have sex..

Over the last 6 months. I havent even pressed the issue of sex with her , havent really asked about it and left her mostly alone during this time to see how the lack of pressure would be if I just didnt initiate .. I must say that its even worse now... I also detached myself more from expecting any..or being attached to have sex...

I didnt see her initiate with me or suggest we even have sex. perhaps a handful of times she gave me a sensual massage...

This whole thing drives me NUTS... I feel as if our sex is on hold...why would she withhold sex from me for this long when I have been even nicer..less pressure or asking and yet she seems even more tired ...than the last 6 months ..

I stay up later now and sit by myself and think to myself ....what have i done to deserve this lack of sex.. what is wrong with me .

I work out 5 times per week and to be honest...I transformed who I am ..yet I am now feeling like what is the point of going to the gym ..she doesnt seem to respond to me being in shape either..she says wow you have changed for the better yet no sex...

Its like she ignores all of this .. Lately there has been stress with business for the last few weeks however she always seems to have issues with what I am doing, things I miss with finances, and seems to pick on all of the little things without highlighting all of the positive things that I am doing or that I contribute ..

We had a conversation about work and talked about how she feels with me and how I act .. I listened and shared and shared that lack of us spending time and sex is making me wonder - where I am messing up.. I cant be mean 24 hours a day and 7 days a week..for real ...? I know its not true .....

When I shared things I do to show that I care.. like getting her lunch , picking up food, doing things to make things easier for her ..her response is ...WHEN .. I dont remember ..so she seems to hang on the thought of one of my negatives for days and misses all of the positives ..

In addition because of her snapping and yelling at me in addition to feeling very tired and run down over the last year I suggested to go to doctor for a check up ..

She said That I am pressuring her again ..and to let her breathe .. I just dont know what to do because she isnt even being pressured and she feels pressure ...and because shes tired and pressured she seems debiliatated..

I had thoughts of doing more fitness and doing some things for me that make me happy and give me joy .. I also had a thought if I get up earlier and work out 2 x per day .. that perhaps she might say .. wow he has lost of energy and why dont I feel energized ...

I also wanted to switch off some of my things I do ..and shift my life with some different things for me .. I was looking at expenses and I also thought hmm what if I used some of the money I spend on things I really want to do to grow as a person vs some other expenses ...

SO here I am , I do support my wife - I earn money, take out trash, fold my clothes she washes, go shopping for groceries, help with my daughter ,,,and yet I am pressuring her and she states that I treat her like my *****... ( she gets confused when she screams at me - and then my face turns red and looks weird - that is called shock - or feeling bad from her talking to me like I am stupid - when I react to her doing that she doesnt like how I look at her after she screams at me ) 

So there seems to be a huge influence on her emotions from probably adrenal fatigue or hormones and imbalance for her to feel pressure when she actually has a great life and a lot of support from me .....yet it seems to be distorted by what 
she is going through .. she is 47 now ..and I feel like our 
love life is on hold .. the question is why ?

What do I do with myself ?

Even when I am nice and buy her dinner and take her out and I treat her great actually all of the time . That doesnt get noticed and no sex ..

I never disrespect my wife..even if she makes a mistake I 
never talk down to her at all ...

I am nice and never threaten her or yell at her unless she starts yelling at me and picking on me ..

Her reality seems a bit distorted .. and I am feeling like an 
enemy that actually feels like i am her ***** .. I do tons of 
things a bunch of work and all to make things easier and 
then on top of that she doesnt want to spend any time with 
me romantically..shed rather sleep ...

What do I do ?
What changes can I make that would help this ?
WHY has it been so long with no progress ?
I know 100% that I am a great guy, nice , loving and go out of my way for her yet why do I feel like she ****s on me ...?

Its really driving me nuts .. I want us to get back what we had.
I have been asking myself lately where my wife has gone ..the 
sex is on hold for me and I have even asked that we take a communications class or class on relationship to progress this part of our life ..like a project for us to grow ...

and after all of this I ask ,, why am I trying so hard to make all of this work and she doesn't seem invested in this ?

Any Ladies out there with some insights that feel would work ?
Or any guys who transformed their marriages from NO SEX to SEX 2-3 times per week ?

I have heard about the negative ideas from people whish dont seem to match my heart.. Like leave her , divorce papers, nd move out .. I just feel there must be a way that doesnt get crazy .....

Appreciate the listening 

Thanks,


----------



## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

You have started this exact same thread several times here.
You've already been given a ton of great advice from people (like me) who were in a sexless marriage, and in some cases (like mine) were able to "fix" this problem, now having regular sex.

So: what exactly have you done?
Because it appears you've not acted on even a single bit of our advice. I'm not (generally) a mean guy. But you need to hear this, and sometimes the truth hurts.

Lots of talk, but no action.
Assuming you are like this at home too, maybe your wife has also grown tired of this pattern?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm not a woman  but I guess it's difficult to undo months and months of pressurising... even if you think you have all the rights to do so since you hardly have sex. Unfortunately, in my experience, women's brains don't work like that. Even if you don't pressurise her often, this has become her mental status quo. Everything you do is about getting sex. She sees sex like a bad place to be. She sees your "demands", your right to be intimate with her. I have bad news for you. This will take ages to fix. You say you are a good guy, earn a lot of money, help in the house, etc. This means squat to her. She wants someone who supports her, be nice to her and let her be. No pressure, no demands, no sex. Until she'll feel safe again.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Ok. for like 2 years ?
LOL..

Perhaps she shouldnt pressure me to do everything ...lol


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> Ok. for like 2 years ?
> LOL..
> 
> Perhaps she shouldnt pressure me to do everything ...lol


I'm not that keen on what I've said myself... it shouldn't be like that, but it worked with my wife to a certain extent... not that we have more sex - since she has zero drive - but she is more willing to have sex and she is more relaxed about it.

The length of time is impossible to predict. I know it's very frustrating, especially when you want to have sex right now, but I don't really see any alternatives... apart from divorce, obviously. Or cheating... which I don't recommend...


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

happybuddha said:


> ....First I have had conversations with my wife now for the last 3 years about sex and how we can work together to have a plan to improve and grow our relationship.
> 
> Every time I bring it up she tends to hang on some incidents and she refers to them as EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME, ANY TIME ( extreme description) The last time we discussed sex and making marriage priorities it was like 3 months ago and before that 3 months before...when i do bring it up -
> 
> ...


First, you sound like a really Nice Guy. That was not a complement. You should read Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about getting a life, becoming a more interesting person, and about not being co-dependent on a spouse. Women don't find Nice Guys all that sexually desirable.

Learn to set boundaries without getting into fights and stop pressuring your wife. You can't force her to change, only she can make herself change the way you want.

The next time you try to talk to her about sex and she says you are constantly trying to talk about sex. Tell her she is right! 

Tell her that you and she should put a date on the calendar to talk about sex and not talk about it any other time. How about the first Sunday of each month after church or before dinner? Then put it on the kitchen calendar or her daytimer or in code on her outlook calendar. That way when the first Sunday of the month rolls around she will know what is coming and be prepared rather than feeling ambushed. If she uses that argument again, that say, no this is what WE scheduled.

My typical schedule is to start the day with an act of service (Chapmans 5 LL) by brining my wife coffee in bed. Then I ask her about what is happening at work today while we wake up in bed drinking coffee together. This is creating a quality time situation for my wife. My wife's two primary love languages are acts of service and quality time. If I am even going to be 1 minute late for dinner I will call ahead and warn her. Her principal method of showing me love is by having a hot dinner ready for me when I get home. It does nothing for me, but it is her thing. If I do something to ruin it for her, she feels like I have slapped her in the face. When I have dinner with her, I always tell her how much I appreciate the dinner (as that makes her feel loved) I also ask her about the specific things that she told me in the morning were going to happen, so I create quality time with her, again making her feel loved. After dinner I do another act of service and do the dishes no matter what.

For most of my marriage I didn't do these things and she felt unloved. Now she feels loved. That has made a huge difference. YMMV. But find out her love languages and make her feel loved. You might be surprised at how you have been hurting her for the past several years by doing things that she felt were disrespectful, but you had no idea were hurting her.

If going to the gym would make you feel better, then by all means do it. You should not be co-dependent. You should not expect your wife to provide you with all your happiness. You need to take charge of your life. I regularly go skiing by myself, go on overnight camping trips in the summer, go for multiple-day bike trips with friends and children all to make me happy without my wife. You enter this world alone and you leave it alone....in between you get to share time with others, but you really need to take good care of yourself and those you love.

Good luck


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

HB--

You are banging your head against the wall.

Stop trying to figure her out.

Let's pretend you were single and just dating your wife. Think it through.

You're a very financially successful guy who is in great physical shape. You're polite, thoughtful, smart-- you've got a lot to offer.

Now you meet this woman who is over the hill age wise (OK, she's your age, but you can date women much younger). On top of this, she's super demanding, critical and just kind of unpleasant to be around. She also is really not interested in you physically.

Would you keep trying and trying and trying to please this woman? Of course not! And yet, that is EXACTLY what you are doing with your wife.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> ...Would you keep trying and trying and trying to please this woman?


Depends on if she is the mother of your children and you really want to watch them grow up while being part of their life.

I understand why so many marriages end around the time that the kids leave the nest. It almost happened to me.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

She doesn't get a pass to treat you like crap just because she had kids with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> First, you sound like a really Nice Guy. That was not a complement. You should read Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about getting a life, becoming a more interesting person, and about not being co-dependent on a spouse. Women don't find Nice Guys all that sexually desirable.
> 
> Learn to set boundaries without getting into fights and stop pressuring your wife. You can't force her to change, only she can make herself change the way you want.
> 
> ...


I think this is good advice.


----------



## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

HB

Long story short she isn't attracted to you any more for whatever reason, I'm sorry to say. 

That's your answer.

.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> HB--
> 
> You are banging your head against the wall.
> 
> ...


Over the hill at his age. Nice. Someone has a high opinion of himself. I suppose if you have enough money you can buy a younger woman, but that's all it will be. And everyone will laugh behind your back at how pathetic you look. Seen it myself. If that's how you look at your wife it's no wonder she won't have sex with you. 

Fortunately OP sounds like a much nicer guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> *Now you meet this woman who is over the hill age wise (OK, she's your age,] but you can date women much younger)*. On top of this, she's super demanding, critical and just kind of unpleasant to be around. She also is really not interested in you physically.
> 
> Would you keep trying and trying and trying to please this woman? Of course not! And yet, that is EXACTLY what you are doing with your wife.


I get that the woman is being terrible by withholding sex, but why in the world is her "over the hill" age listed in the cons....Geeze.

And we wonder why many women are insecure about their bodies and age as time goes on....

Sorry but the old man with the young woman doesn't make sense either...since apparently he can buy a younger one whenever with his nice finances - the women would only be using him for his money...not his d*ck, so it's not likely he would get any more sex if his attitude remained like that.


OP, what have you told your wife? What steps did you take from your other thread.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> HB--
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Au contraire...

I am not paranoid - says me - but could it be that she is interested in forcing you to divorce? 

Could she be seeing major dollar signs behind this awesome income?


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Stop whining and live up to your name. Reject all earthly desire and you will attain nirvana. *OM now!*


----------

