# I finally left my wife...



## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

After being in a relationship with my wife for 10 years, together for 8.5 and married for 1.5 - I finally started to wake up to the reality that the true reason I have been depressed and anxious for so many years is because I got together with a complete sociopath who has controlled my life, and she's that abusive to the point that even when I told her I was considering killing myself, instead of the love and comfort I yearned for she called me a wimp and kicked me even harder when I was down.

Well yesterday after 4 impossibly hard years I finally got the courage to leave. You'll have seen all of my posts complaining and moaning, and then trying again with her completely blind to the fact this woman is vile. It's very hard to admit as a man that a woman has controlled, manipulated, and abused you for a very long time and she is so skilled she even makes you think you're going crazy. I questioned my own sanity for 2 years, and all the red flags of her affairs I raised with her and then backed down when she attacked. Well thank God I finally have had the strength to get out of this hell hole I have been in, and I cannot wait to rebuild my life now even though I know it will take a very very long time, purely down to the fact that I am just so psychologically damaged from this woman, I am complete former shell of myself.

She wouldn't sign a prenup before we got married so I could protect my business and to be honest I was a sucker for the manipulation and control, I should never of married this woman. I now need to protect my assets at all costs, and so I hope someone can offer advice?

Can someone please give me some advice on divorce? I want to protect my business above everything else. She did the books for it throughout the years, but has always had her own career. 

Please help me, thanks.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're not going to get the advice you need on this forum. You need to speak with an attorney.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If her sole contribution to your business has been keeping up w/ the books (BTW, be prepared for her to claim otherwise), I'd think you'd be OK in terms of the business, especially since you haven't been married for very long.

That said, start speaking w/ attorneys ASAP.

Have you re-asserted control over the books yet?

I'd also advise using a VAR to record all of your interactions w/ her -- both in-person and over the phone -- going forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If her sole contribution to your business has been keeping up w/ the books (BTW, be prepared for her to claim otherwise), I'd think you'd be OK in terms of the business, especially since you haven't been married for very long.
> 
> That said, start speaking w/ attorneys ASAP.
> 
> ...


Not yet but I am going to get my accountants to take care of them. Yeah I need to get her rage on a recording then maybe people will understand what I mean when I say she completely loses the plot and will use intimidation, anger, and confrontation in anyway possible until she gets her way. Can't believe I was a sucker for so long to this vile woman, who is most likely living a double life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Honestly I can't believe you married her, especially once she refused to sign a pre-nup.

Your wife may very well be an amoral, sociopathic, serial cheat, but hey... you married her knowing that.

You've got some things to work on yourself, friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Get a lawyer. Having said that I'm going to tell you what my father told me during my divorce: pay whatever it costs.....it's the price of getting your life back.

Don't get destroyed financially if you don't have to but at a certain point do not fight over some money here and there.....you'll make more and in the mean time you're wasting precious time.

Pay whatever it costs and get your life back.

Next time pay more attention to the character of the person you're marrying.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly I can't believe you married her, especially once she refused to sign a pre-nup.
> 
> Your wife may very well be an amoral, sociopathic, serial cheat, but hey... you married her knowing that.
> 
> ...


I know, and I know it will take time I just feel better already that I am getting myself out of it. Plenty more stress to come with the assets and her coming to get things and so on but the less time with her the better. The hardest part is throwing away 10 years of my life. I almost feel like she made me become a little abusive as well just to cope, it's a nightmare


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Get a lawyer. Having said that I'm going to tell you what my father told me during my divorce: pay whatever it costs.....it's the price of getting your life back.
> 
> Don't get destroyed financially if you don't have to but at a certain point do not fight over some money here and there.....you'll make more and in the mean time you're wasting precious time.
> 
> ...


I did and she was sweet at first, but it was my mistake thinking I could help her and that marrying her and giving her a new house etc being closer to her family would fix things, how wrong I was. I feel like a failure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> I did and she was sweet at first, but it was my mistake thinking I could help her and that marrying her and giving her a new house etc being closer to her family would fix things, how wrong I was. I feel like a failure.


Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is a series of adventures full of unknowns.

You can't foresee everything, but next time you'll know more about what red flags you can't fix.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

Today, start researching professionals in your area and make a list of them.

Monday morning, start making phone calls. 

1) Find yourself the best divorce attorney you can to protect your assets and get advice asap as to the steps to take right now, before your file. 

You'll find questions to ask them here Men's Divorce | Quality divorce information for men. 

2) Find yourself a good therapist that deals in abuse, codependency and PTSD. Find out what allowed you to be so controlled and how to protect yourself from that. Do not wait for the divorce to be over. Do this asap, because you'll need to have the tools to emotionally protect yourself from her during the divorce. Now that you're breaking free from her grasp, she'll come at you with a vengeance to keep you in control. 

Recognise what she does and protect yourself from it... Presto, Change-o, DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender

PM @Uptown, he may be of help directing you to resources you'll need. 

Maybe read this too...No More Mr Nice Guy

Good luck on a better future


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*



MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> After being in a relationship with my wife for 10 years, together for 8.5 and married for 1.5 - I finally started to wake up to the reality that the true reason I have been depressed and anxious for so many years is because I got together with a complete sociopath who has controlled my life, and she's that abusive to the point that even when I told her I was considering killing myself, instead of the love and comfort I yearned for she called me a wimp and kicked me even harder when I was down.
> 
> Well yesterday after 4 impossibly hard years I finally got the courage to leave. You'll have seen all of my posts complaining and moaning, and then trying again with her completely blind to the fact this woman is vile. It's very hard to admit as a man that a woman has controlled, manipulated, and abused you for a very long time and she is so skilled she even makes you think you're going crazy. I questioned my own sanity for 2 years, and all the red flags of her affairs I raised with her and then backed down when she attacked. Well thank God I finally have had the strength to get out of this hell hole I have been in, and I cannot wait to rebuild my life now even though I know it will take a very very long time, purely down to the fact that I am just so psychologically damaged from this woman, I am complete former shell of myself.
> 
> ...


No prenup means you business is at risk. Sorry but that's just the truth. What you need to do now is find and hire the best lawyer in town. Ask around from friends and family who that might be. Hire them before she does.

You may loose a lot in divorce but as the saying goes divorce is so expensive because it's worth it.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

Does your wife have equity in the business? Is she a partner, member, or shareholder? Did you pay her a salary for her work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

Get a good rated lawyer up front. It'll be worth the money. You've only been married 1.5 years.

You should be good. Treat this like business. If you let your heart lead you'll be weak and ineffective.

Keep your head on straight.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

1. Best lawyer you can find. Make sure they actually advocate for you. Many like to draw a big check while simply filing paperwork.
2. Educate yourself on the divorce process for your area.

Not going to lie, you might very well be screwed. Sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing. She obviously doesn't respect you and enjoys inflicting a variety of torments upon you. Factor in that she refused a pre-nup and the picture comes into focus. She is going to bleed you for every last resource she can. Even though the marriage was short, I can still see you paying out a whole lot of assets for this. Be thankful you woke up when you did. Although before saying "I do" would have been preferable.

Also, be prepared for false allegations. Avoid contact with her if all possible. Get a recording device (VAR, GoPro) just in case.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

I'm sorry. Good advice on the good lawyer. Our advice is pointless. Find out which lawyer is the best.

Question: how much of the business assets did you own prior to marriage/her new financial plan ?
I think that's probably important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*

The laws where you live make a huge difference. If you don't mind sharing state (or country if not the USA) would really help.

Is your wife an owner of your business, I mean on paper.

How long did you own the business before you married her? Did you start the business while you were living together?

What are the average number of hours a week she works at your business?

How much did your business pay her for her doing the books?

You say that she have a job outside the home. What percentage of your joint income does she earn?

How many times since the two of you have been together have you threatened to kill yourself?

Do you have children together, if so how many and what are their ages?

What is your age and her age?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MenMarsWomenVenus,

You had two threads on the exact same topic. That's not ok. So I merged your two threads into one. You will get better feedback with only one thread on a topic.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

MMWV ~

I can give you some info from MY divorce which is in its Settlement Phase but I would contact an attorney yesterday.

Your business is a marital asset.
A forensic account will need to do a valuation.
Did you started the business before you got married or while you were married?
The spouse rarely gets 50%, they usually get 30% - 35% (this is negotiated that is why you need an experienced attorney.)

I have been married 33 years.

My STBX started the company 5 years into our marriage.

I worked there for the first three years.

I was there to get it off the ground.

I was not on the payroll and did not get paid ever.

I was not an owner.

I hired a forensic accountant who interviewed him and looked at all the accounting. 

I am getting 40% which is better than most.

He lied and told me, my attorneys and his attorney that the business was in a "Trust" and not marital property. The Judge ordered him to produced. He could not. Yours truly will be bought out.

He wanted me to take dividends. I don't want them. This has been one problem in our Settlement.

My Advice:
Don't lie and say it's in a Trust. He screwed himself big time lying about it. Lost all credibility. Judges do not like that !!!

I hoped I helped a little bit.

VH


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

The last few days have been really tough. I've been drinking quite a bit at night and finding sometimes I just burst into tears in the daytime, I just cannot handle the pain of it all. I know I am a man, but I am also human like everyone else and the emotional and psychological effects this has had on me over the last 3 years are too much to deal with.

She told me if I changed my mind to let her know, and so I told her that I couldn't escape this gut feeling that she had cheated and this is why she is so angry all of the time. I said a lie detector test as pathetic as that is (and yes it's low I know) could possibly be the only thing that would put my mind at rest at last.

Hoping she would be very upset but agree as a response I got the opposite. She was angry and her first words were... 

"The tests are not 100% accurate you know, what if it comes back accurate when I'm telling the truth. If that happens I will kill myself"

No matter how much I want to BELIEVE she is isn't everything in my gut and from her as a response just tells me otherwise. I also found an app on her phone called Viber too which was deleted. I just don't trust this woman and I feel such a fool. It's very hard dealing with all of the emotions involved. I used to tell myself it was me that was sick and that all of these ideas were in my head. If someone loved me like they say they do, then surely they would say "Yes you are sick, and it's all in your head if I have to do this test then I will and we will get you help" Not... if it comes back positive I will kill myself and just focusing on if it comes back positive? I feel such a mess right now


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

*Re: Men I need your help, divorc...*



EleGirl said:


> The laws where you live make a huge difference. If you don't mind sharing state (or country if not the USA) would really help.
> 
> Is your wife an owner of your business, I mean on paper.
> 
> ...



1) No I am 100% owner

2) I owned it for 4.5 years before we got married

3) 3

4) Nothing, I just treated her to things myself if that makes sense

5) Probably 30%

6) Only once.

7) 32, and 30


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

I should of known she was messing around to be honest, no LOVING wife swears at her husbands, shows him absolutely no respect, shuts herself off completely from you, says you're making her out to be a "monster", and then can't explain why she has huge angry outbursts at home but not at work?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> I should of known she was messing around to be honest, no LOVING wife swears at her husbands, shows him absolutely no respect, shuts herself off completely from you, says you're making her out to be a "monster", and then can't explain why she has huge angry outbursts at home but not at work?


Just because she does all of those things doesn't mean she was cheating on you. If you thought she was cheating you probably haven't been very loving yourself to her. Why should she be loving to you? I wouldn't be if my husband was always thinking I was cheating on him. You are probably drinking because you are feeling guilty because you left your wife over a gut feeling. You have no proof she was cheating on you. Do you suffer from anxiety? Get proof that she is cheating so you feel better about your decision. 

It doesn't matter if you owned the business before you got married, she should still get money from it because you are leaving her she isn't leaving you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> I should of known she was messing around to be honest, no LOVING wife swears at her husbands, shows him absolutely no respect, shuts herself off completely from you, says you're making her out to be a "monster", and then can't explain why she has huge angry outbursts at home but not at work?


A woman full of resentment and anger with you does. It has nothing to do with an affair. Dismissing these feelings as "it must be another man, can't possibly be something I did" is dangerous and is just going to cause more problems. 

Instead of looking at the reasons she is upset with you, you're just brushing them off and thinking it must be a 3rd party. 

When I am upset with my H, he has at times thought it MUST be an affair and he'll do some digging and whatever. 
You have no idea how annoying that is. 
I see it as all just ego. He can't look at himself and what he did or didn't do to make me upset.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> *It doesn't matter if you owned the business before you got married*, she should still get money from it because you are leaving her she isn't leaving you.


Actually it matters a lot.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

I know it's annoying I just found our situation impossible. She wanted children more than anything, and I couldn't stand the idea as my mother in law has absolutely no friends, is a control freak, and inviters herself round whenever she can with no regard for anyone else. She even got angry when I mentioned we had met a couple of new friends, ignored me then started talking about someone else. 

Now my wife doesn't want to upset her so she doesn't even mention things like this to her for fear of upsetting her, which really annoys me. I want a relationship with a woman who wants to go out and live life, meet new people, make friends, not hide behind her family every weekend. We've argued about this before but all I see is my future with a kid and them almost moved in which terrifies me. I don't want that, I want friendships, I want deeper understanding and getting to know each other even after 10 years, I want real close intimacy, and although she says she wants these things there is never any action. It's tough though as I haven't acted either but with us both being so rock bottom, it's almost impossible. I hold my hands up to doing a lot wrong, and probably wrecking the marriage, only thing is we don't know how to fix it. We have a great 3 months then BANG her anger comes flying to the surface again, I feel the wounds open up, can't handle it and we are back to square one. This has been the case for over a year now, and the ironic thing is arguments used to be about our sex life but that's become brilliant, it's just the hurt from the past we've done to each other that's too much to cope with once you have yet another argument over nothing. 

Probably time to quit right? I've talked about counselling but her attitude is for me to sort it all out as usual and I don't know if I have the energy anymore, for once it would be nice if SHE would actually try and help the problems in our marriage rather than ignoring them, but maybe she's wanted out anyway even though she says she doesn't, who knows, I am confused as.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to quit? I thought you already moved out.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why don't you get yourself an individual counselor and start sorting out yourself? 

You could find a stable place to start from there.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm sorry. Our advice is pointless.





SecondTime'Round said:


> You're not going to get the advice you need on this forum. You need to speak with an attorney.


Wrong. Many of us have been through divorce and own our own business and can speak from experience.

Including me.


You had the business before your short term marriage of 1.5 years.

She won't get much if anything.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Yes she has moved out and we've broken up but even though at times I can't stand her I still love her and being single at 32 is a little daunting to say the least


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> being single at 32 is a little daunting to say the least


You're a business owner, no kids, and young. You're prime real estate, honey.:smile2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Yes she has moved out and we've broken up but even though at times I can't stand her I still love her and being single at 32 is a little daunting to say the least


Oh pshaw. My brother didn't even meet his wife until he was 35. You're just a babe.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

32 you are in your prime.

Just try to relax and breath, thinking about the bad she has done will help you get through this and focus on the future you are going to have when you meet someone new that will enjoy doing the things you like to do and who will not yell at you for just being.

Hang in there, the first couple of weeks are the toughest, after that you will see things more clearer and see that you can move forward to a great life.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

Thanks for the kind words really appreciate it 

Went out to play poker tonight at a local club which is something that doesn't come easy for me since I struggle with anxiety. Felt like everyone liked me there which was a real boost, something I haven't felt in a long while given I work from home on my own.

My wife wants to get back together and has admitted she has problems with anger and childish tempter tantrums to get her own way, she is hurting and so am I, I said I would talk to her, not sure what that will do but I still feel very confused about it all, it's hard to be rational when you feel really broken and I know I have my own issues I need to deal with too so I'm just really confused. Can anyone offer advice? Half of me is done with it but half wonders if I could be happy with her, am I not happy because I'm depressed and anxious, is that biological or is it circumstantial these are the questions I don't have answers too which is why I feel like I'm stuffed when it comes to thinking about all of this properly...


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

Making the break was the hardest thing and you've done that, so I think you should hold fast to that decision. You and your wife certainly don't seem to make each other happy so surely you will both have a better life apart?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This will be State specific as 10 years could make her a common law wife. Which state are you in?

Only thing she is entitled too in MOST states is that from during the marriage. Hopefully you are not in a common law state.

If the business was yours before the entire relationship AND you are not in a common law state you are not in bad shape.

Do you have cash you can give her to make her go away and avoid litigation fees? Personally with only a 1.5 year marriage she isn't entitled too much. Infidelity in the marriage on her part so don't feel sympathy for her.


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> This will be State specific as 10 years could make her a common law wife. Which state are you in?
> 
> Only thing she is entitled too in MOST states is that from during the marriage. Hopefully you are not in a common law state.
> 
> ...


There is no proof of infidelity, but my gut tells me not to trust her. She is coming over to talk today, but yet again as per usual she is extremely angry which leads me to believe she is guilty. Reason I think this is because when I ask her if she blows up at work, she says no and then when I ask well why can't you control your temper at home she says she doesn't know. I've also been kept away from her work and colleagues for many years, still find that very strange.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Go back and read your first post in this thread. You are miserable.

I really think it's time to end this.

What good will talking do? It's just another opportunity for her to torment you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MenMarsWomenVenus (Nov 16, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Go back and read your first post in this thread. You are miserable.
> 
> I really think it's time to end this.
> 
> ...


For some strange reason I find myself wanting to defend her, and I guess things would be a lot different if she was softer and maybe wanted to take action herself in order to repair this, however I don't get that impression.

It's always down to me to be the one who rings the counsellor, who suggests how we fix this, and I just feel like I have given up. My first post was very emotional, and I am trying to figure out whether these problems I am having are caused by the relationship or are my own problems physiological inside my head, that's the very difficult part. The easy part is the fact I understand she is extremely angry all of the time (today I am going to ask her if I am really making her happy, or is she just co-dependent) and also the fact that her behaviour is manipulative and very childish, my needs are never considered. Well at least I don't feel that way, I deserve better and I think she deserves better. 

I'm finding it increasingly hard to rationalise everything here. Here are the facts of the situation which I can put down as facts...

MY PROBLEMS

- I've suffered from bad anxiety and panic attacks for the last couple of years.

- I've suffered from depression for the last couple of years.

- I don't know if that's biological or not but I know the relationship problems do not help.

- I haven't felt happy for quite some time now, and I find any compliments from my wife to feel quite superficial and false as if she's saying them because she feels she has too.

- When I was younger (18) I suffered from panic attacks and paranoia. Now this is a big issue for me here because I was paranoid about my wife cheating, but I think this could possibly just be me going through what I did before, which in essence has installed a complete lack of trust on my behalf and a kind of defence mechanism in order not to get hurt. This is a shame because I want to trust, but when my wife disrespects me, has to have the last word it kills my self esteem.

HER PROBLEMS

- Anger bubbles under the surface like a vicious animal waiting to attack, and it can come up into a full blown rage over the smallest thing, such as me not being able to find something in the house.

- She has no empathy, she doesn't care about my needs.

- She's a constant victim throughout her life and it's always everyones fault, not hers. She doesn't and can't take responsibility for anything, and most importantly she CANNOT see any other point of view other than her own.

- She's shut down over the years. She never talks about her feelings with me and the only intimacy we really have is sex. When her best friend stopped being friends with her, after that she shut down and I've not heard how she feels about anything for years. I'm living with someone who just wants to talk about what's for tea all of the time and follow the way her parents live, which is what I do not want to do. Her parents act like two children, her mother hates affection from her dad and it's such a shame.

- Her Dad has no friends and it feels as though she is turning into him. She always has to be right, she trys to control situations constantly and manipulates them for her own needs, she never considers others ever, and she also has no friends. Her Dad is a problem in our relationship, he wants to live his life through us.

- She has to have the last word always, and if it's in public she will let everyone else around me know about it so she can prove how much better than me she is and belittle and put me down during the process.

Is this fixable?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Counseling for each of you, plus marital counseling, would be helpful.

It sounds like each of you is very needy, and wants to be taken care of. That is likely what her anger, and your depression, are about: unmet needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think there is a good chance it is fixable. It does not sound like either of you wants to end it. If even one of you still wants it, that is enough to get to work making it better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Stay separated, both of you go to IC and work on yourselves. Alone. Then, when both of you are in a better place, maybe see if you can give it another shot.

The two things that resounded with me: how she handled your suicide threat, and her retort after you talked about a polygraph. 

You two together are toxic. Do you want to return to that state?

Re-read your posts here. Yes, they are emotional, but that's how you feel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Thanks for the kind words really appreciate it
> 
> Went out to play poker tonight at a local club which is something that doesn't come easy for me since I struggle with anxiety. Felt like everyone liked me there which was a real boost, something I haven't felt in a long while given I work from home on my own.
> 
> My wife wants to get back together and has admitted she has problems with anger and childish tempter tantrums to get her own way, she is hurting and so am I, I said I would talk to her, not sure what that will do but I still feel very confused about it all


Oh, that's easy. "Wife, you're not safe to live with any more. I still care about you, and if you DID get help for your issues, I'd be willing to consider dating you again, but not until you've gone through at least a year's worth of therapy and treatment. If you do that, look me up again, and we'll see what happens. But just so you know, you'll have to allow me access to speak with your therapist so I can understand what happened over the past year. In the meantime, I hope you have a good life."

Oh, and as for anxiety/fear (same thing): My IC told me that the ONLY way to address it is to actually get out there and TACKLE the fear by doing what it is you're afraid of. So that you see there's really nothing to be afraid of. So good job on getting out. Keep doing that. 

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out, your anxiety and panic attacks are 95% BECAUSE OF HER. It's crazymaking to live with someone like her and that causes you to doubt yourself and be unable to see that you do have skills and strength and value.

The longer you're away from her, the faster your anxiety will disappear.

Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH HER!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

This is a toxic situation. You need to go no contact with this woman or you will get sucked back in. 

It's like drug withdrawal but it's necessary to go cold turkey. Quit engaging with this woman who knows how to manipulate you and suck you back in. You are getting good advice now but if you keep going back and then complaining, people are going to stop responding. 

Get a lawyer, see a counselor, and go no contact. Stick with the program and be happy.


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## Too nice (Feb 7, 2016)

MenMarsWomenVenus said:


> Thanks for the kind words really appreciate it
> 
> Went out to play poker tonight at a local club which is something that doesn't come easy for me since I struggle with anxiety. Felt like everyone liked me there which was a real boost, something I haven't felt in a long while given I work from home on my own.
> 
> My wife wants to get back together and has admitted she has problems with anger and childish tempter tantrums to get her own way, she is hurting and so am I, I said I would talk to her, not sure what that will do but I still feel very confused about it all, it's hard to be rational when you feel really broken and I know I have my own issues I need to deal with too so I'm just really confused. Can anyone offer advice? Half of me is done with it but half wonders if I could be happy with her, am I not happy because I'm depressed and anxious, is that biological or is it circumstantial these are the questions I don't have answers too which is why I feel like I'm stuffed when it comes to thinking about all of this properly...


This is my very first , I have a problem, my wife wants to split our assets and buy a house where I will not live and my name will not be on the deeds. And yet she does not want a divorce and says it also not a separation. She says it will allow me to follow what I want to do and become happier. And she will live near to her work and she claims will be better for our 2 kids. What do you think? It clearly seems like a separation.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Too nice said:


> This is my very first , I have a problem, my wife wants to split our assets and buy a house where I will not live and my name will not be on the deeds. And yet she does not want a divorce and says it also not a separation. She says it will allow me to follow what I want to do and become happier. And she will live near to her work and she claims will be better for our 2 kids. What do you think? It clearly seems like a separation.


Speak with the most shark-like attorney you can find then follow his/her advice not like you did when she refused yo sign the prenup. Divorce her.

IamSomebody


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Wow, I had to comment on this thread. Once I read that you feel the need to defend her, along with your list of her traits, it's like I was reading my own story.

Let me tell ya, it's her. She's either narcissistic, socio or pyschopathic. This isn't the forum to deal with those intricacies per se, so I'll refer you to the site I went to get a little clarity. It's called psychopathfree.com and you mayyyyy want to check out a few of those forum pages, here's the exact link: https://www.psychopathfree.com/forumdisplay.php?3-Relationship-Abuse-Recovery

The lack of empathy, anger, communication issues, love avoidant/emotional unavailability, control and mind games...well, it's her. And it's gonna eat away at you. It is toxic and as someone said, it's going to be tough to get out of. Equate it to a drug addiction, 'cuz you're gonna go through withdrawal and things are no doubt, going to get ugly.

Understand this: you cannot change her. Ever. And things will get ugly if she gets even a little pissed or her ego gets slighted. 

You wrote down everything I felt after I wen through something similar and it was hella hard to get out of and it wasn't a marriage and I wasn't in it even 1/10th as long as you've been in this.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sociopaths/narcissists lack empathy, and I'm sorry you had to endure this woman. They are masters at manipulation and 'crazy making,' I dated one before my current relationship, and they are very hard to break free from. My advice in terms of the emotional roller coaster that she will wish to keep you on (and they can get really ugly when they are broken up with) is to go no contact. All communication should be done through the lawyers. Unless you have kids with her, I'd go strict no contact. I'd not answer texts, emails, phone calls...everything should be done through your attorneys. I've never been married, but I went NC with an ex narcissist, and it was the only way I could regain my life back. Best wishes to you! ((hug))


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your biggest problem is you. From what you've posted you should have already pulled the trigger on this.

File and get away from this foolishness. Situations like this don't get better.

Why would anyone want this life. 

Reread your posts and pretend it's a friend. What would you recommend him do????


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Responses like that are the epitome of why this forum isn't the one you should be on. 

By opening yourself up to folks who don't understand what you're going through, you open yourself up to shame and judgement. At least, according to my therapist and my husband. I received judgement, shame, guilt, and the like from friends, family, and a forum like this (I'm not saying that everyone is like that on here). 

You are in an abusibe situation which most people on here, won't get. She compartmentalizes her life so you can't get to know her co-workers. That's socio/psycho behavior to the core and one of the many things you have listed that scream out how bad of a situation you are in. This is NOT the forum for your troubles, as most people haven't been in deep relations with narcs/socios/psychos. 

These are master manipulators that prey on empathetic and loving people like yourself. Studies have shown that it takes much longer to get over the effects of a toxic relationship like this, over any other type. I won't get into the specifics on that, here. 

As someone else mentioned, if you don't leave, people are going to stop responding. That isn't what you need. You need a forum for people who have gone through what you have gone through. This is not the place, because most don't understand. 

As Diedre said, you must go no contact. Your voicemails, texts, messages will all be used against you. Do not say one word to her, written or verbal. You will never get the truth and never get answers. 

Please get over to that forum, because while I know most people on here mean well, this is not the support you need. You need to talk to others who are going through EXACTLY what you're going through. 

Good luck.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Too nice you need to start your own thread.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

OP your wife and @VeryHurts husband might have a lot in common. Read her thread. Read other threads and post on them they will help you clarify your thoughts and strengthen your resolve.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Responses like that are the epitome of why this forum isn't the one you should be on.
> 
> By opening yourself up to folks who don't understand what you're going through, you open yourself up to shame and judgement. At least, according to my therapist and my husband. I received judgement, shame, guilt, and the like from friends, family, and a forum like this (I'm not saying that everyone is like that on here).
> 
> ...


Sadly a lot of us here DO understand what the OP is going through.

Now, why do you think that might be? Do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Sadly a lot of us here DO understand what the OP is going through.


:iagree:

I think there are plenty of folks here who have been on this roller coaster and can offer very thoughtful advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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