# Ladies I need some advise



## Lilly1993 (5 mo ago)

So this is going to be long I’ll try to sum it up the best I can. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. We have a child, pets, apartment and cars. We have lived together and combined finances for 4 years now. I’m a stay at home mom and he works full time. He has some mental health issues like PTSD and depression. I have anxiety myself. I struggle to leave the house due to my anxiety so I have worked from home on and off to help financially. I don’t work now so I can focus on our child 100%. My fiancé who I will refer to as “v” to make things easier has a lying problem.

1st lie was the first year we dated. He hid his mental health issues from me because he claimed I was hard to talk to. Instead of me he choose to lean on his “friend” a girl he has known since high school. He claimed he never had feelings for her but later admitted at one time long ago he did. He would spend a few hours at her home getting his hair cut but claimed they were just talking… now if you know V you know he isn’t a talker he is quite by nature. They talked way to much for comforter and we got into blow out fights over their friendship. It took me finding a text that wasn’t even a full text thread of him referring to her as “love” for him to really understand this was over stepping boundaries and he stopped talking to her.

2nd lie was a massive fight with his parents over how his mom treated me and how we wanted to do our wedding which ended up being canceled because I couldn’t handle the stress of it all my anxiety was killing me. His parents really said some nasty things and screwed us over and I didn’t want them in my life at the time I needed to heal and he agreed he felt the same then I found out he was talking to them and meeting up with them.

3rd lie a knock on the door led to me finding out bills were not being paid and we were in debt to the tune of $15,000….. 

4th lie he became so depressed at work he started buying pills and excessive amounts of pot to cope…. Apparently there wasn’t enough money to pay bills again and now we are in $13,000 of debt…

guys I am at a complete loss… I have days I’m fine and other days I don’t want to look at him. Iv asked him why why he keeps lying to me and he really doesn’t have an answer just says “I ****ed Up Ik I’m an ass I get if you don’t forgive me I haven’t treated you right” but then over and over he just keeps doing it. I don’t understand. I feel trapped I could leave and move with my mom out of state and get on my feet and start over but I truly don’t want that. I’m not sure if I should stay or what to even do.

This last lie the one with the pills and 13 grand he hid this my entire pregnancy. I feel dumb I didn’t notice anything. Now looking back I see signs he wasn’t in the right mind frame he was mean to me and I was so excited because I thought we were about to be new parents almost out of debt I wanted to go back to school I wanted to go on a vacation and he would play along knowing the entire time the debt wasn’t paid off and he got us into more debt. I think that hurts the most being led on and looked in the eyes for months carrying his child all to have the carpet ripped out from under me. Pls be kind in the comments I just want to know what you guys would do or any words of advise..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm afraid he's just going to keep dragging you down. I don't know where you live but in the United States each state has rules about that you can't move a child away from the other parent if you are doing any kind of custody exchange. You have to be within a drivable distance of however many miles the state has mandated.

So I don't know that you would be able to leave and go out of state to live with your mom with the child unless he was just okay with that and signed off of it.

I wouldn't keep my wagon hitched to someone doing that. I would start making myself financially independent and not letting him get his hands on that money that you made by working and I mean if I were you I would go ahead and separate whatever finances there are as best you can. I would get his name off of accounts and not share accounts with him.

But you are going to have to go to work so that's priority number one. Get yourself some money together. And then you're going to have to work out custody. 

And then we'll have a better idea whether you can do the easy thing and move back home or if you're going to have to stay put and with custody and work jobs to pay your own bills. If it ends up you can't go out of state, it will be a lot easier for you to hold down a job if you insist that he has half of the custody so that he is responsible for figuring out child care just like you will be because you're going to both have to work. 

It doesn't sound like he's reliable enough to depend on for child support payments anyway. 

And you need to start working on your anxiety. It might be that all you need is some anxiety meds.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m a guy but saw your thread on the new posts page. I’d reply….. but I’m not a lady sooo….


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Leave. It’ll never be easier than now. He’s not a husband yet and if he ever becomes one you’ll deeply regret it because he’s not changing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Lilly1993

I added white space to your post to make it easier to read. Most people have a problem reading a big wall of text and I want you to get as much input as possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m a guy but saw your thread on the new posts page. I’d reply….. but I’m not a lady sooo….


guys post in this forum all the time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well my comment is that he’s already shown you far, far more than you needed to know and you shouldn’t have stayed this long but please don’t marry him. It’s just not going to be happier….. problems like his get worse, not better. He’s a liar, he’s a cheater, he’s irresponsible with money, he’s a druggue….. what more do you need to see to quit him?

you asked for ladies perspectives, so forgive me if mine is unwanted.


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## Lilly1993 (5 mo ago)

Thank you everyone I appreciate the words of advise….. I would 100% be able to go out of state iv told him before if I leave that’s where I’m going for the support. He said he understands and because he also has his entire family in that state he would just either move there or we could keep an arrangement out of court and just come up with an agreement ourselves… is that stupid I believe him? I just answered my own question I guess lol. We are supposed to get married next Friday…. I know this should be easy I should have left a long time ago. I think deep down I feel like maybe I deserve this or can’t find better.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Probably best to call off getting married, and maybe find some counseling for yourself to sort out some things in your mind. There are people who mess up in relationships, they apologize...and then work on changing. He just fake apologizes unfortunately, to get you to stay or not be angry etc...but there is no intent to change. I'd work on figuring out how to move on, because I can't see a life with someone like this. A _quality_ life.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Guy here as well...

I would definitely postpone/call off the wedding. Then grab a sheet of paper and on one side, write his good qualities and why you should stay with him. The other side, his bad qualities and why you should leave. 

I think the answer will be easy to see.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Do not get married. There is too much wrong. 

1st you have to get yourself sorted. You need to be able to support yourself & grow emotionally stronger. 

2nd he needs help for his issues -- the PTSD & the pills. All the lying & overspending are mixed up in shame & a desire to hide from the truth. When he addresses the underlying causes of his problems, the lying should resolve. 

Good luck. If you marry without addressing all that is wrong what happens next is your fault


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

He has WAY more than a lying problem. He sounds like nothing but problems. 

RUN.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Lilly1993 said:


> 1st lie was the first year we dated. He hid his mental health issues from me because he claimed I was hard to talk to.



He doesn't just have a lying problem. He has:

1) An accountability problem. Holding you to blame for his lack of judgement....that is incredibly telling.

2) A drug problem. This will not change unless he is serious about the toll it is taking on his health and relationships. Not likely that he cares or that he will change. Do you want continue to live under the cloud of a drug user? 

3) A monogamy problem. He obviously had emotions for someone else while in a relationship with you. He hasn't owned up to that, which means, he will certainly do it again.

4) A finance problem. He can not be trusted with money. At all...ever again. 

5) A family problem. He wouldn't stand up for you against poor treatment from his family. They will always be his family, they will always be present in your life, whether you like it or not. And once the baby is born, it will likely get worse, because they will want access to the baby.

I could go on...but just look at those five above. Now, is that the male role-model you want in your child's life? You have already made a child, and he will always be the child's father....you can't change that. Your best bet, get out of that relationship. Once you are whole and mended, and IF you want to get back out there, get into a relationship with a man that DOES have the good qualities of a father and a male role model....because that kid is going to need a good example coming from somewhere...and it doesn't look like it will be good ole Dad.


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