# Room 336



## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

My wife and I are currently seperated and have been for almost a month. I admit much of it is my fault and I need to work on me. We have dealt with the same issues for years and now sorry is not enough. I have told her I would change, but never did. She said she wants her space and at times that is very hard to do. but I am doing my best to respect that. We will be married 11 years in June. I am going through all of the emotions. crying, depression, anxiety, lonely, rejection and have realized I have really crappy coping skills. I want to be a better person and improve myself as a person and as a husband. To make things even harder, we have a 6 year old. I get to see her 3 days out of the week becuase of my work schedule. We are both currently going to therapy and seeing the same therapist which is good. It is very hard to go from talking to your spouse 4-6 times a day to nothing. I am currently living in an extended stay hotel knowing eventually I will have to find an alternative place to stay due to finances. I also have been picking up the bible more and seeking prayer through it and my church. 
The hardest part of the whole seperation is keeping my mind busy. I find my self thinking about her wishing none of this would have happened and wanting to get back to together, but I know time is the most important thing right now. When I do talk to her it is like talking to a stranger. She is really short with me and the more we talk, the more her anxiety goes up and emotions go wild. I would eventually like to start having a date night, but don't know when the time would be right. I still really love her a lot and I know she loves me, I just hope we can reconcile and get that spark back. I have talked with many people that have seperated and reconciled and they have told me that it made their marriage and love for each other stronger. She had recently told me that she has fallen out of love with me and even removed her ring, but informed me that she did not want a divorce. Why did she take her ring off? That still bothers me. I am still wearing mine with pride. I need some answers on how to cope with this and what to do to make me a better person and husband. I know time is factor.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi justin,

You are spot on with everything you say, time is essential, essential for you and for her. We all are hurting, and we would like to be magicians and swing our magic wand and fix everything instantly, sadly it doesn't happens like this. I have heard about couples who have separated from even 6 months to 1 year and indeed if there is a will from both, their marriage will blossom in a great way. All it takes is guts; guts to stay, guts to be patient, guts to avoid temptations, guts to not give up, and so far what I see guts to get up when we go back to our old ways and get back on track. We will make mistakes in the road but if we man up and keep on working we will find ourselves one day as changed men. Why we do it? because of love, isn't this the purest intention? 

She needs to be sure that you are changing, that both are changing, 1 month will not prove that. Hang in there mate and trust her. I am saying trust her because human mind gets paranoid and starts going 100 mi/hr looking for answers, and sometimes man that mind can pull some awful tricks on us, dreams to hallucinations or day dreams. If you are going over the fact that she took her ring off, look at it in a way that it won't hurt you and if you know you wife you will see the true reason, get past the cloudy insecurities. She isn't wearing it not because she wants to appear single to other men, or because she is pretending that she doesn't want to divorce and is just waiting for the right time, but because she is the one that wanted out, place yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't it be painful to remember everyday about how bad your marriage was? The rings remind them about that, when things were good, the rings resembled our wedding, when we were dating, when babies were born, dreams hopes love. It is hard to say it and even accept it my friend but now that ring reminds all of our wives about tears, broken promises and painful memories. 

It is up to both and to all of those in this forum, including myself, to change that but it takes time my friend. If she is going to counseling is because she still cares. I have seen that some other wives or husbands take much longer than only 1 month to work on their marriage, some do not even have hope at the beginning but change their mind after. Your wife is doing it, this is great!

Have hope, CHANGE, and trust god. Peace be with you.


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## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

Thank you for the insite. I really miss her and knowing that there is some hope my motivation has improved. I am working on myself everyday by reading self help books and concentrating on being a better christian. I just hopes she knows that I am changing and and not just doing this to get back together. I do want to be a better person. Any other advise on any other things I can do to improve myself is appreciated. Thank you.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I think we are in the same boat  My husband left this morning to go to a extended stay hotel and pretty much as told me he doesn't want to work on it and just needs his 'space' I am also trying to better myself....which he thinks is just a joke. We have 2 children together and they are pretty young. I know I have to just let him be but I honestly don't see how this can do any good doing it apart but he was not willing to do it with me. He sent a lot of really mixed signals....really mixed  I know I can't keep someone here who doesn't want to be and its hard to accept.


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## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

How long have you and your husband been married? I'm not sure whats going on between you and him, but it must be serious enough for him to leave. I know it is very hard especially the first few weeks. Just keep praying and keep your hopes up. It may be he just wants his space and you need to respect that because I have learned the more you beg for him to come back the more distant he will be. Keep your chin up.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

you are welcome,

We are going to have good days and bad days, but if we continue bettering ourselves, it shows we love them but more importantly we are honest and not selfish. We now accept our fault, and there are times when the other partner not even with the threat of seeing his/her marriage finish can accept their faults. 

For some of us, the spouses already mentioned that they are not sure about the divorce and they want to wait, that is hope. A person that doesn't love you and despises the idea of sharing this union will try to divorce ASAP, our spouses are not doing this and it should be a sign, a sign to start showing improvement if we feel we were at fault in some of the problems in the relationship, which most of the time we are. 

I am giving her space and time, and leave everything in the hands of god. If he thinks we are going to have a better future together after this awful and hurtful period of reinventing ourselves, it will happen...if not well it won't and I have to accept it either way. 

Let's be happy we are alive and becoming better persons,


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

11 years  I know I can't push him, call or text him all the time. It is hard for me to just know that I wont hear from him at XYZ everyday. We did everything together and even though we have had really hard times he was my best friend I am just lost and numb. 

I am just praying a lot and working on myself I have to focus on something else and myself I think is probably the best.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yes, 

Focus on yourself, on your children. He also is focusing on what he wants. Don't try to hold on to him, he is free to walk away if he desires. You can go to counseling or maybe talk to your local church if you need to talk to somebody.

The worst thing a person can do is to keep everything to him/herself. All that sadness, sorrow, and thoughts. Talk to friends, family members, everybody should be your support group in these tough times. The first weeks are the hardest but be sure that time will help, it did for me and now I am even giving advice to others after a month of separation. 

I also have my bad days don't get me wrong, it's not like life is great out of the sudden but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, which one cannot see the first week or 2 or some may take even longer. Accept your situation but also picture a happier future, the image is just you happier, no matte what happens to your marriage.

be strong and focus on yourself and your children rather than him, vent here is you want, we are here to help and we will support you like other have supported us in the past or even present. So if you see that I am having a bad time, help me as well 

peace be with you,


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Thanks that means a lot...it really does. I will be honest I don't really have a support system. No one and I mean NO one knows what is going on people will be in utter disbelief when they find out. We have painted a amazing picture of happiness. 

Today has been a really rough day. yesterday he took the kids almost all day and the quietness almost drove me insane....I deep cleaned my whole house and blared music. Today I woke up crying and told myself I had to get it together b/c I didn't want to cry in front of the kids but I haven't been able to stop. He gave them cards to give to me today and texted me Happy Mothers day and even thou I am happy he did I feel like someone stabbed me in the heart.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I understand, the fact that he walked away means doesn't mean that he does not think about the mother of his children. 

Give him time, I can talk from my own experience, when we parted ways my wife said that she wanted to divorce and I pretty much gave up on the relationship thinking "well if she doesn't want to try, what can i do?", well I went to counseling and after reading a couple of books and listening to audiobooks I have come to realize that I want to fight for my marriage, because i had a big role on pushing her to walk away, I couldn't see my own mistakes until I found myself grieving and alone. 

She knows intentions now, I am working on myself and don't know but maybe that's the reason why she now doesn't know if she really wants to go through with the divorce. She still loves me I know, but also she is hesitant because she really wants to see a change after so much sadness, that's why I am giving US as much time as we need. I used to be really proud, thought that counseling had to be about the marriage, but i was wrong I had my own problems. I bought the books but never read them, I thought things were going to get better but how if we never worked on ourselves, I was wrong as well. Now I am reading them, in a way I am glad this happened to us because if it wasn't for the guilt and pain I wouldn't be here working on myself to be a better person, and my wife would in an unhappy marriage. 

She sees I have changed some what by you know what? NOT by me telling her that I am a changed man, or telling her what I have done BUT by letting her have her time, and space. Actions speak louder than words, I was never that way you know? I was anxious, i would be afraid of the whole separation thing I would refuse to let go in the past but now I am at peace. I have learned things don't work that way.

Time heals everything, and time teaches us to see our own faults and appreciate the other person instead of focusing in their negative side, we are good people but not perfect and never will. After 1 month, I have learned so much about myself and about herself, and I am pretty sure she has been thinking about everything. By us giving them time, it allows them to backtrack and really see what they want, and without any pressure and distractions realize if indeed they really love us, realize that there were good times and not just bad times and notice we are loving them from a distance. 

I would recommend to 1) tell people about what you are going through, just those that you trust, and also talk to them. It is better that they find out, and you'd be amazed how people react, my best friends, relatives really stepped in my darkest days. If it wasn't for them i don't know who I could've survived. 

2) Wait a couple of weeks and write him a letter, stating what you have learned so far, if you were somewhat at fault tell him what you are doing to work on yourself and also that you still love him but that you respect his decision and (if you are willing) let him know you want to give him as much time as he needs.

Respect his decision and give him time, but also state what you want out of this separation. Let him go with love and now it is just up to him if he wants to reconcile. At least if he doesn't you can walk away proud knowing that you did everything to save your marriage. I say it many times but individual counseling is the best tool.

Good luck and be strong  ooops sorry for my long post!


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## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

On mothers day I was really reluctant on how to show my feelings to my wife that she is a great mother. I haven't seen her for a little over a week and haven't spoken to her that much except for a little on the phone and texting. I had bought her a card, a nice card stating she is a good mother and wife. I also bought 1 pink rose. My daughter and I also got her a candle and a card you can record a message on. I gave that stuff to her grandmother so my daughter can give that to my wife on mothers day. As a reminder I am currently living in an extended stay hotel and have been for sometime.I am a Police Officer and not real happy at my career right now which I am also working on. I was working an overnight shift and decided to drive them to our house. I placed the card and rose on the kitchen counter of our kitchen, I did this at 2 am without waking her, or my daughter up. The next morning as I ended shift, she called thinking me for the rose and card in a way that was not hateful, or angry, but loving.
Today, I went to the house to pick up some things while she was at work and noticed the rose in a vase on the counter with the card next to it. I had sent her roses to her work in the beginning of our separation and she didn't even display those. I thought about this and wondered what was the difference, why did she display the 1 rose? My wife fell in love with me 15 years ago because of my spontaneous personality and being a loving and caring person. This gives me more hope than ever. I am continuing to work on me by exercising and losing weight at the same time. I feel the only way she will be more attracted to me and fall back in love with me if I take care of myself and show more responsibility and work on the issues that caused the the problems in the first place.


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