# The 180 has been deep 6'ed!



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Ok, I tried doing the 180. Thought it would be what the doctor ordered. Only contacted STBXH about kids, finances, that sort of thing and kept the personal things out of it. It succeeded in that I ended up looking like the hateful, cold hearted, immovable queen B. Because I was enacting the suggestions of the 180 the chance to have a face to face, heart to heart meeting with STBXH never happened. Instead, it all blew up in my face and all over me.

This morning he text me, almost a dozen times. At first I wasn't going to respond but they kept coming. As I read them I came to see that there was a severe deficiency in our communication. And everyone else went into the "protect Mom" mode. Things likely would not have gone down like they did if we had simply communicated the willingness to meet with each other. Instead he took my near silence to mean that I would never want to see or really talk to him again. There won't be another opportunity until October. I will not do it the day of the wedding though.

The 180 should have the disclaimer to "use at own risk". I'm done with it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The point of 180 is for you to find the strength within you to define your needs and stand up for them. You need time to get to that point and during that time you minimize contact so that you protect yourself from being manipulated by your stbx - why would you want a heart-heart when your heart is so damaged that nothing good comes of it?

I'm really sorry to hear that it is hard, but the fact your husband is texting like mad means that it is working, it is not time to give up - meeting halfway doesn't mean you cave into his demands. If he can't see that it is him that has caused this breakdown then its not time for face-face. I know you desperately want your family back together, but you must not accept it going back to the way it was and by giving in that's all it would accomplish. You are worthy of love and respect and must not settle for anything less, if he is worthy then it is never too late and that's the point of this exercise.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I hope things end up ok Cherokee! I (try to) do the 180 for my own sanity like lon said. stbx and I aren't ever getting back together although my Dr called him "Haley's commet" and thinks I haven't heard the last of him. I hope I have.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I get what you guys are saying. The face to face/heart to heart we missed was not for R, I am accepting that it won't happen. It would have been an opportunity to communicate like adults and we need that as we haven't seen each other since February. Too much silence was misinterpreted as hate. I don't have the energy for that and accomplishes nothing. My kids deserve to see that people can work through their differences. No matter what happens between us, we are still parents. With my son's wedding on the horizon I wanted to start clearing the air so there is not a cloud hanging over them on a such a joyous occasion.

I can't continue with things like this. I have been presented with a job opportunity that involves a month away for training. It is the first step in regaining my independence and once again being self sufficient in every way. I own the mistakes I have made in our marriage and I am taking control of correcting them. If I don't work on me now and become a better me then what to I have to offer anyone, myself included?

Today has been a more peaceful day, STBXH and I have been communicating and I feel so much more empowered about beginning a new life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

haley's comet... good one. I'm not sure if my stbxw will ever come back, she's certainly headed out to far orbit right now, so Cherokee's issue is not one that I've experienced for real - though in my mind, especially at the beginning of all this, I felt like I had to prove over and over that I was willing to do whatever it took for us to get past this together. In fact stbx commented that this is the most I've written and talked to her since we first started dating - except in her mind she thinks its because we're both headed to a healthier relationship with each other (she didn't sense the smell of desparation those letters were steeped in).

I've since cutoff being cordial with her, and she is actually starting to get hostile now that our relationship with each other is not turning out as one-sided as she possible thought - now that I'm standing up for myself her sense of right and wrong is being threatened and she's even gone as far as threatening to cutoff contact with my inlaws (thought I don't know how she expects to enforce that at this point, I'm free to assiciate with whomever I want).


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Haven't totally abandoned some of the ideas in the 180. Rather, have modified them. The last few days have been more tolerable for me and I have been better able to focus on my priorities. The emotions are not as severe and overpowering as they have been. Not to say they won't ever be but...


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