# Do guys get over their first love?



## Smiley90

I married the love of my life June 25th, 2011. We have been dating altogether for almost 4 years straight, only minor bumps along the way. He is the best husband anyone could ever ask for, and means everything to me. When we started dating I had a general idea of his past but not anything real specific. From what I heard here and there was that he had "been" with a lot of girls but that didn't stop me. I also knew that his longest relationship was no more than 6 months, if that. His past never really bothered me until one day I thought, "I'm about to marry this guy and don't know anything about his sexual past." After thinking of how to bring it up for many days, finally I asked him what was his "number". He told me he didn't keep a tally but he had a general idea of around 30-40 girls and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I wanted to know but then again I didn't. He never wants to talk about his past and if I bring it up, he quickly changes subjects. Once, I asked him who his true love was and he said I was his first TRUE love. Well, tonight as we were lying in bed about to go to sleep we were casually talking about things of the past and he said the first girl he actually cared for was named Joy. I already knew about Joy because a few years back, when we had first started dating, she had called him and left a voicemail with the song "You'll always be my baby" by Mariah Carey playing. He shrugged it off and said whatever and I've never heard anything else out of her or about her. I asked my husband tonight if he still thinks about her and he said no. I may be over analyzing the situation but I just wanted to hear from someone else if I should be worried or let it go? I tend to over analyze situations like this but sometimes I've wondered if he gave me his whole heart or if some one still has it?


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## greenpearl

One big mistake people often make is they often live in the past. 

I am one of them. 

They spend their time thinking about their past, feel sad about their past, dwell on the pain, and just can't let go.......................

If dwelling on our past can help our present, then yes, spend more time on it. The truth is NO, it doesn't help our present at all. The most it can help is to help us learn from our past mistake and make sure it doesn't happen again. 

If he chooses to marry you, then of course you are THE ONE he wants to spend the rest of his life with. No that first girl, not that second girl, not that third girl....................they all failed to capture his heart. Understand why he likes you and why he marries you, and focus on your positive qualities, show him you are the wonderful woman he chooses.


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## DanF

My who?

Yes, first love can be forgotten. I remember her name, but there's no emotional attachment to it.


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## Open4it

First of all, Congratulations!

Second of all ... you asked and he answered, "No." THAT is your answer.
Accept this as truth and let it go.
If YOU keep bringing her up, YOU will put her in his head ... see?
Don't do that. 

He married you. Be confident in his love for you. Most men don't get married on a whim. They truly believe they're with the love of their lives. 
And for your husband That's YOU.


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## Hicks

Men are simple creatures. Keep him happy and sexually satisfied and he will not be thinking about other women. You are allowing your thoughts to go where they shouldn't. This is detrmental to your marriage and will actually CAUSE what you are worried about.


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## Smiley90

Thanks everyone! This makes me feel a whole lot better, having other's opinions. I "usually" don't worry about stuff like this but for some reason this bothered me, I don't know why but hearing what you all think reassures me this is no biggy. I'm new to talkaboutmarriage.com but I already LOVE it! But again, thanks to all of you for the words of wisdom and encouragement!


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## Jellybeans

How did the conversation come up? He just randomly told you about it or you asked?

Everyone has a past. That is part of life.

Thing is, he married YOU. Don't dwell on his past relationships. Focus on yours with him.


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## Deejo

Ex's are ex's for a reason.


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## Smiley90

He brought it up. A few months ago I asked him, who was his first true love and he told me I was and so then I asked how do you know? and he said, "I just do." Well last night we were both looking at facebook and came across a girls profile and he said, "her and joy were really good friends." and then I'm not sure exactly how it came about but it wasn't like he just popped up and said it but somehow in conversation he was like, "joy was probably the first girl i ever actually cared about, we dated my sophomore and junior year of high school, not steady but on and off". So that's when I said, "do you ever think about her?" and he said, "no". I said "oh okay", and he quickly changed the subject. Like I said earlier I tend to over think stuff but deep down I can't help but wonder if they still have feelings for each other. I know my husband loves me, there's no doubt about that so I may sound selfish when I say this but I want to know that I have his whole heart and that if he could be with anyone, regardless of how life turned out, it would be me, not because it's easy but because he chooses me over someone he cared/cares for. I know that sounds completely foolish because I understand the point that we've been together almost 4 years(longer than any of his other relationships) and that he married me. I just can't help but think sometimes if deep down his heart belongs to another woman. My reasoning for still questioning his love for me is because when we first started dating he was very self centered and never put our relationship first. After dating for a while I finally realized the problem was that he had walls built up around his heart and did NOT want me in. He even told me he once that he wouldn't give someone the power to hurt/destroy him. I figured he had been hurt before or something of that nature and had a hard time trusting women. This went on for a while, it was like every time we would begin getting closer in our relationship he would freeze and we'd take several steps backwards. I told myself I wouldn't give up on him because I love him and wanted to prove that I would never hurt him. It went on like that for a year and then after I graduated high school, due to my own family issues, he asked me to move in with him and his father(his parents are separated), I knew that by moving in, it would either break it or make it. Our relationship made a turn for the better. He has opened up A LOT since the time I moved in. I know that his walls are not completely down, and although I know he loves me, he still maintains that boundary between us because I can sense it. I'm positive that if I up and walked out of his life tomorrow, he might be upset but he would never show it. He would not ask me to come back or try to work out whatever caused me to leave. He would wish me the best and would simply go on with life. I know that I've gotten somewhat off the topic but basically I'm trying to say there's something going on as to why I don't feel like I'm THE love of his life whether it be his heart already belongs to someone or if that's just the type of man he is. Sometimes I just want to be like, "Look, tell me what it is that makes you this way." and then sometimes I feel like I'd rather not know because I'd honestly be devastated if he told me he loved another woman. All I want is free, no boundaries, care-free love from my husband and to feel like he needs me as much as I need him.


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## chillymorn

depends on what first love means.



the first person they have sex with?
thats usually first lust we are over it the minute we get dressed and leave.


the first person we actually feel real emotions for might be a different story.after they kick us to the curb we just tell everybody she was a **** and then hate them.


just joking. 

the answer would be person specific for sure.


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## sigma1299

I hate to be the harbinger of negativity but let me give you another view. Did I get over my first love? Yup totally and completely, nothing there any more period. BUT, based on the fact that I had a two month EA with her last year I did not get over another girl from my high school years. The thing is I had no idea that there was anything in me for her either. It wasn't until she sent me a friend request after 22 years of not seeing, hearing or really even thinking about her that it took me totally by surprise and I wound up cheating on the woman I love dearly who is the love of my life - my wife of 13 years. Sick, twisted, self centered and selfish I know but that's what happened. So yes, some people don't ever fully close the emotional door on some people in their past, but that doesn't mean that they don't love their spouse or that their spouse isn't the love of their life. For whatever reason the other woman (OW) and I have a strong chemistry, I had actually forgotten it until she walked back into my life. Despite that I know that she is in no way the right person for me. She has lots of issues, is self centered, manipulative and a liar. The OW brings out bad parts of me and makes me a lesser person, honestly I think I may bring out bad parts of her to. We just aren't supposed to be together. My wife on the other hand is the center of my life, literally, figuratively, emotionally and physically. By simply being in my life she makes me better than I could ever be without her and I think I help her in some of the same ways (she's a much better person than I am so I have less to contribute to her than she does to me). My wife and I are meant to be together as much as the OW and I are not. So, just because your H may have a place in him for Joy, it doesn't mean that he pines for her or that you aren't the love of his life. However, and remember this, it does mean that he has to have very clear boundaries regarding her - as in he shows you any communication between them. You will also always need to be just a little more attentive if she rears her head in your life like she has done now to be sure that your H sticks by his boundaries. 

I would also add that you've been married 2.5 months right? It's not unusual for the adjustment to being married to be a little rocky. My wife and I dated for 8 years before we got married and essentially lived together for the last year of those 8. We knew everything about each other when we said I do and never fought. Despite that I thought we were going to kill each other the first six months we were married. It's just a major life change, a major change in your relationship (dating for years just isn't like being married), and it takes some adjustment. Don't get discouraged. Talk to your H, communicate with him. The ability for the two of you to talk openly and honestly about your feeling, wants, needs and fears will be ESSENTIAL to a long term happy and successful marriage.

Good Luck!!


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## rikithemonk

Hicks said:


> Men are simple creatures. Keep him happy and sexually satisfied and he will not be thinking about other women. You are allowing your thoughts to go where they shouldn't. This is detrmental to your marriage and will actually CAUSE what you are worried about.


:iagree::iagree:

100% TRUE.

"Do you think about her?" Shelly asked, a tremor in her voice. "Every single day honey." Was his cool offhanded response. Her heart fell and she burred her head in her hands. He looks at the worried yet beautiful woman that he calls his wife and takes her into his strong arms. He holds her tight and whispers softly into her ear; "Because that's how often you bring her up."


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## Soccerfan73

Honestly, probably only when I'm on this website talking about stuff like this. 

Seriously though, no.


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## Smiley90

Thanks guys  I really enjoy hearing from everyone. I've always had a hard time seeing things from others point of view and this website is such a helpful tool to suffice that lack. Earlier I was thinking about sitting down with my husband after dinner and telling him I just wanted to talk and express how I felt about the situation (I've never done this before with him, usually I just hold everything in until it eventually goes to the back burner, because like rikithemonk pointed out, when I talk about it-he thinks about it, so I usually tried to avoid it at all cost & not to add he don't/won't talk about the past much) I contemplated for a while about how to bring it up and finally I took a moment to look around, breathe, & realize how lucky I am. I decided that I wasn't going to bring it up because regardless if he still has feelings for someone, he loves me more than any other man ever has and if one day I were to lose him, yes I would be very sad, but I would also be happy because in loving him I've learned what love truly is and how to love someone with every bit of my being, unconditionally. We just spent the past two hours talking, laughing and joking about our day at work and school vs. talking about the past and potentially getting upset. I realize now that there is no room in our future for the past.


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## alphaomega

My past sucked. I don't dwell there often. 

I rarely think about my first love. It's in the past. It was actually a wonderful relationship. But we were young and had different goals
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT

First true love?!?!
I had relationships before, but I didn't really know what love was until years after I married my wife. I thought I loved her when we got married, but my love continues to grow for her on a regular basis. It is a deeper love now than I have ever experienced. So have I gotten over my first true love? Well, I see her every morning and night, we sleep in the same bed and are working hard at raising three wonderful boys together. So, no, I hope I NEVER forget my first TRUE love.


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## Deejo

I'll be very honest with you.

It's not his behavior that I find disconcerting. It's yours.

And if you don't get a handle on it, you will precipitate the very thing you are trying to avoid ... the diminishing of his love and respect for you.

Do some serious self-reflection. To me this has more the appearance of being your issue, rather than his issue.

If you have abandonment or self-esteem issues, address them with a professional. I distinctly remember a time when I was dating my ex, that ANY choice that I made, to see friends, do something for myself, go see family, she took as a personal rejection that I did not put her first ... therefore couldn't possibly love her.

We had a long, hard talk. At that time, I made it clear that there was no way the relationship could work at all, let alone grow, if she couldn't get a realistic handle on that behavior.

Just relating my personal experience because I hear echoes of it in your post.


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## Jellybeans

rikithemonk said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> 100% TRUE.
> 
> "Do you think about her?" Shelly asked, a tremor in her voice. "Every single day honey." Was his cool offhanded response. Her heart fell and she burred her head in her hands. He looks at the worried yet beautiful woman that he calls his wife and takes her into his strong arms. He holds her tight and whispers softly into her ear; "Because that's how often you bring her up."


*GREAT *POST! 




Deejo said:


> And if you don't get a handle on it, you will precipitate the very thing you are trying to avoid ... the diminishing of his love and respect for you.


:iagree:


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## tacoma

My first love was before I knew what love was sooo..yeah she`s pretty much forgotten.

I don`t understand the whole asking your SO what their "number" is.

After almost 14 years I`ve never asked my wife and she`s never asked me.

The only reason I even know my "number" is because I was asked by my Ex and could`t answer off the top of my head.
Had to take a few and count, never did answer her.


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## PFTGuy

I also agree with the "Hicks" post....try not to worry about it, live in the present, enjoy each other and the past will have no power over him. 

Worries will come when you hit rough spots...then the key is to try to keep communication open and safe, and you'll be ok.


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## Just Dave

You're questioning things because your instincts is warning you of something. I don't know, you think it could have anything to do with the 30-40 women he said he has had. And if this is what he has admitted to, then you can probably double this number and be closer to the truth.

30-40 women. Hmmm... I wonder what he was searching for? Love and understanding? Or dare I say it... sex? If it's the latter then that means you out sexed all the others, and I guess that's something you can cling to and be proud of.

If the two of you are close to the same age and he's torn through that many women in such a short time, no wonder your alarms are going off. If he's ten or so years older, why would he be scoping out high school girls?

I think you have some legitimate concerns. History often gives us a glimpse into the future.


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## crazy chris

I was with my first love for 3 years. 22 years later I still think of her. I always say that I will care for her until I take my last breathe. but I am married for 20 years and I love my wife. we built a life together and I chose her as my partner. if this guy really loved his first love and it wasnt just lust, then she will be a part of him in some way but you are his everything. Dont let his past bother you if he has put it behind him. I care for my first love and wish her happiness but I would never trade my wife for her. She could never be the woman my wife is. My wife never brings her up and if I bring her up my wife just listens and then we talk about something else. This is my wifes way to make sure she has not given any attention or power to my first love and it also shows me she is secure with our love. You should only be concerned if he reaches out to contact this woman because thats easy to do in the computer age and I imagine that is never a good idea. in your case he doesnt sound like a man who would do that. just my opinion. everyone says you eventually get over your first love so I figured you might want an opinion from someone who never compleatly got over his. I hope this helps, just remember he loves you and chose you so you are worth alot more than her in his eyes.


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## 2yearsince

I agree, ex's are ex's but I do think it depends on the person. I remember them but I have no desire to return. After time you forget about them and you see them for the imperfect person they were. For some that might be the opposite. I could tell you the good and bad of mine but I wouldnt date any of them if I had the chance.


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## Smiley90

You guys are so helpful! Glad I found this website. It's so resourceful for getting the views of different people with different outlooks vs. thinking with a solitary attitude. @Crazy Chris, thanks, alot. Your reply just further instills the value I have in our marriage! I completely agree with you, about never "fully" getting over someone you once cared about. I dated a guy for 2 years before I met my husband, and we were really close and grew alot together. It was a bad breakup, but sometimes I still think about him and wonder how's he's doing, but again I would never trade the life I have now or my husband for anything of the past. I guess it just took hearing from several different people to understand that just because he once "cared" for another girl doesn't mean he dwells on that part of his past. I really appreciate "every" reply!


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## crazy chris

I am new here and I dont want to make my answers real long for fear that people will just say "im not reading all that" lol. but now that I am interested in this thread I have to do this.... my first loves birthday is the 14th of october, thats the reason I even looked for first love talk online. so this is therapy for me as much as it may help you. I will not ever be friends with her or go out even for lunch with her because I view that as wrong. she has her life and I have mine. but it would be a lie to say I dont have feelings about her or that I dont think of her. I have to stress that my wife is way more to me and that we have a great life. I love my wife more than I could ever love any woman and without my wife I would not have my 8 year old daughter. my daughter is my whole life and one day when you and your husband have a child you will really understand that. many people who read this will say "if your kid is everything and you love your wife then why think about your first love?" and my answer would have to be that I cant help the way I feel and I cant stop myself from having love for her. All I can do is put it in its place. my first love actually cheated on me and I actually forgave her and then she ended up finding another guy before I found my wife which did suck for me. we were young and our parents had alot of input so that was also a factor. her family introduced her to the guy so that was also fun for me. everyones story is diffrent but I think in every first love there are unanswered questions and maybee you even wonder what the other person feels about you. The important thing to me is that my wife is always there for me, we have been thru alot, she would never betray me or leave me, she is the best woman on the planet for me, and I know my life would not be half as good as it is if it was not for her. if I could do it all again I would make whatever choices I had to in order to be with my wife. If my wife was not with me I know I would be way more hurt than I was when my first love was destroyed. As far as the people who say your man has been with so many other girls I have to say that I have been with many girls. I am not a bad looking guy and I did date alot. the first love is the first girl you actually give your heart to. I think with woman the first love might be associated with sex more because you feel you wouldnt give up your virginity if you werent truly in love. for men I think its alot diffrent. you can have sex with a girl and never really think of her again if you are a guy but your first love that you give your trust and heart to is not the same, your just not turning that off like a light switch because you found someone you love more. This is gonna sound corny but if you have the light on in your room and plug in a nightlight, the bright light overpowers the night light, the night light cant even be seen, the bright light fills all the space in the room, you dont need the night light, but the night light is still on. there, now if you read all that I hope it was worth it to you in some way.


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## Smiley90

crazy chris said:


> if you have the light on in your room and plug in a nightlight, the bright light overpowers the night light, the night light cant even be seen, the bright light fills all the space in the room, you dont need the night light, but the night light is still on. there, now if you read all that I hope it was worth it to you in some way.


That was not corny at all! That quote makes total sense of the chaos I sometimes find myself in. I'm also new here and at first when I'd read an interesting thread I'd write a whole novel, only to go back and condense it so people wouldn't think I was long winded. It's completely fine, I actually enjoy reading long posts. Okay, back to your reply...At first, I would almost make myself sick thinking about my husband's past and if any of it still lingered in the present. I've forced myself to live for today & tomorrow, and because of that I'm at peace with the past. Like I said earlier, I dated a guy for 2 years and I guess you could call it my first "love". He was my "first" everything, the one I lost my virginity to. Looking back, I think it was because of that I felt like I was _in love_ with him. After we broke up I dated quite a few guys but only had sex with 3 of them because it never felt quite right. None of those relationships lasted longer than a few months. I think I was trying to fill a void that I didn't even realize was there. I hurt quite a few "good guys" along the way because of my selfish ways. I was actually casually dating one of my husband's friends when we met. He was dating another girl at the time and we all hung out a handful of times. After a little over a year, he randomly called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the movies and dinner, well we never made it to the movies and ended up having sex on the first date. I know it sounds horrible but I was not looking for love, just a good time. I didn't think at the time that a relationship would evolve so why not? I figured I was just another tally on the bedpost for him & at the time that's all I wanted too. 4 years later we're still together & doing good. Over the years I have fully come to understand what the words "in love" truly mean. I was not in love w/ the guy I lost my virginity to but I did & always will have a place in my heart for him. There's no doubt in my mind I'm IN love w/ my husband. It's hard to explain but I just know. I guess it's kind of like your quote, he's the bright light in my life. I know I kind of switched the context of my question around but by me being able to understand the concept that my ex still has a small place in my heart & not my whole heart means the same can apply to my husband. Maybe he still has a "night light" on but as long as I outshine it, we should be fine....


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## crazy chris

I think youll be more than fine.


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## Thewife

Here is my story, we are married for 13 years and all they through the first 10 years he said I am his first and true love and I believed him without a doubt. I always ask him......"are you sure you never fell in love with anyone before me" and the answer is always a strong "no". One fine day 2 years ago I asked him the same question and the answer was "yes" and after a lot of persuasion and promise that I won't be mad he elaborated a bit and said he did have feelings for her and she was the only one not even a girlfriend after that. I laughed it away at that time as I promised. But it started to sink in that he had been lying to me for 10 good years. Well I couldn't be angry for more than 2 days....because when I asked him why he didnt mention this all these years, his answer was I wasn't the person who could accept that at that time and now he feels I am stronger and mature enough to know that its ok to have had loved someone else and that what matters now is that he can't imagine a life without me and he hardly remembers his first lover's face. Now I look back at my anger and truly laugh.


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## crazy chris

well dont argue over it or make your home an unhappy place but my only issue with your story is that he mislead you for a decade and your ok with the reasoning. I mean let me say this as harshly as I can so its out there..... if I had feelings for another woman or I cheated does my wife not deserve to know because like a child she is to inmature to handle it? is that a reasonable excuse for not comming clean and being honest? ok now that I put that on the table I will back up. he did not cheat and having a first love is not a deal breaker. not telling you because he was scared of how you would react is a normal feeling. if a man does cheat what man would tell his wife without really thinking about it, even after thinking some men will say "what good will come of me telling and I dont plan on doing it again, why ruin eveything". all of that is a personal choice that each individual must make.... is whatever you did important enuff that you must tell or is it small enuff that it wont cause a divorce and it may start a fight or make your partner feel bad so lets let sleeping dogs lie (no pun intended on the word lie). now, the first love thing is small enuff, you didnt leave him and you werent that mad so he probably did make the right choice altho I may have chose to tell my wife. but if he cheats and has sex with any other woman he does need to understand that it is a big thing and that he need to tell you right away no matter how he thinks you will react. you really need to explain to him that if you are 60 years old one day and he says he had an affair a decade ago but you were not mature enuff to handle hearing about it back then.... this is not gonna fly and you will be even more mad about all the years you were kept from the truth. I dont know where im going with this really and part of me is just speaking from the heart but id rather know my wife cheated and be given the choice to forgive her than to be lied to. with me I might not want to know if she danced with a guy or even kissed a guy but if you had sex with a guy while I was with you i really feel i deserve to know. so, even tho this is not the case with your relationship, you might want to be very clear that you would like the truth from now on and he does not get to decide if you can handle it or not. anyway thats my post. sorry if I made you mad or upset in any way but thats my 2 cents. forgive him but in some way say "I forgive you but dont let it happen again". I know your post was just to try and help the young girl who asked the question and let her have knowledge of your story, thats very nice of you. but I still feel strongly that in your case the thing he hid was a small enuff to get over but some things are to big to hide and some men need to understand that it is very selfish to not be honest so that you can keep your happy life through deception. (not saying thats your case but this is a forum and im sure that is happening right now on a grand scale)


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## Lon

I dated my HSS from grade 11 for 7 years, and did truly love her, or believed I did at the time and still do, but wasn't sure what I was supposed to do... Marry her? Why, we already lived together, though we didn't make any next steps like joining our finances, having a child etc I just never felt ready. We were "pseudo-married" as she learned in her psychology undergrad program.

Anyways I also tend to dwell on the past but honestly she has been deleted out of much of what I rememer, or at least what I want to remember. Our breakup was pretty much mutual and as easy as one could get. Their isn't much bitterness or resentment mostly just feels like I wasted valuable years that I should have been learning what I needed instead of feeling so trapped by my committment. 

So I can easily say I'm "over" her. It took a couple years for me, but when I met my wife-to-be (and now tbx) whatever thoughts were in there just became residual memories and didn't consume any mental effort to sustain. The only reason I've even given this any thought is because of my recent failed marriage and have nothing else to relate it to (my "number" is very low, that is I just covered my entire history in this post)


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## crazy chris

hey lon, that puts things into perspective for me. I mean today is my first loves birthday and i havent been feeling to good even tho it was a long time ago. its raining here in jersey which always makes a bad mood worse. after your post I started to think and id be a mess if things failed with my wife. I am sorry things didnt work out for you and I hope you will be ok. Hang in there and be strong. Im sure God has good things for you in the future.


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## Lon

crazy chris said:


> hey lon, that puts things into perspective for me. I mean today is my first loves birthday and i havent been feeling to good even tho it was a long time ago. its raining here in jersey which always makes a bad mood worse. after your post I started to think and id be a mess if things failed with my wife. I am sorry things didnt work out for you and I hope you will be ok. Hang in there and be strong. Im sure God has good things for you in the future.


CC, thanks for the kind words, and yes life is still good! I was a mess, but I'm finding strength that I forgot I had. I know there will be good things in my future... wasn't trying to bring down the mood in this thread, just relaying my experience. As to the bday, for some stupid reason my HSS's still stands out in my mind as an important date (even though the relationship was over more than a decade ago!), though on the actual day it rarely comes into my conscious thoughts.


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## Thewife

I totally understand what you are trying to say, well in keeping my post short i may have missed out some details like it had happened when he was a teenager and he used to be a shy guy. His first love was very brief and they have never had sex. Our marriage took place in a unusual ( I call it unique) and we didnt date much. He had thought its not serious enough to tell me. Well, I have already told him whatever might have happened before he met me will not bother me that much, but if I come to know that he had cheated even emotionally for few days after we met I will end the marriage. He knows I mean that. Thanks for your reply


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## fancy52

hello everyone,
i really need help too...my fiance was in a relationship for six years...she ws his college mate n first love...they were not able to get married because his parents were not approving..they broke up because they saw no future but were still in love...now two years later we met...we r engaged n he claims to b in love wit me...i just feel like i wil always b compared in his mind...n may never live up to her...im feelin crazy jealous...plz lemme knw is really possible fr him to love me more??


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