# I'm baaaaaack! 4 years post affair



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

So..... I'm back 4 years later and I'd like to say that regardless of how dire the circumstances, there is always a chance. My wife fell out of love with me...had an affair. The details are still painful to this day...see my old posts. No one thought we had a chance. But after her insanity I stuck it out, mostly for our kids, and we've made great progress since. I wont lie, the pain is still there (especially after reading my old posts). But we're still relatively happy. Things have calmed down quite a bit since our "hysterical bonding". Sometimes I still feel like a back up choice. But I've come to a realization that we're all humans and human nature/monogamy is a biiiiitch. If anyone needs help, I'm here to offer any kind of advice I can. I went through hell....my wife tossed me out like garbage for another man. But after a lot of trail and error, I was able to save our marriage and our family. There is always hope


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That is good to hear!

Yeah. Being plan B even for a short while hurts like hell. Been there and it is not nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Good to see your feeling that way after all that heartache


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Wolfgar ~

Did you live apart for 4 years?
Did you divorce?
How long were you married?

I am happy for you !!!

VH


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

I do not think you can give any advice considering how unhealthy your relationship was.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

you're the last one i would ask for advice about infidelity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wolfgar said:


> So..... I'm back 4 years later and I'd like to say that regardless of how dire the circumstances, there is always a chance. My wife fell out of love with me...had an affair. The details are still painful to this day...see my old posts. No one thought we had a chance. But after her insanity I stuck it out, mostly for our kids, and we've made great progress since. I wont lie, the pain is still there (especially after reading my old posts). But we're still relatively happy. Things have calmed down quite a bit since our "hysterical bonding". Sometimes I still feel like a back up choice. But I've come to a realization that we're all humans and human nature/monogamy is a biiiiitch. *If anyone needs help, I'm here to offer any kind of advice I can.* I went through hell....my wife tossed me out like garbage for another man. But after a lot of trail and error, I was able to save our marriage and our family. There is always hope


Ehhh...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38859-warrant-my-arrest-assault-battery-wtf.html

No thanks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Ehhh...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38859-warrant-my-arrest-assault-battery-wtf.html
> 
> No thanks.


I'm with you on this ... I'm no one's second choice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I'm with you on this ... I'm no one's second choice.


Filing a false police report goes far, Far, FAR beyond the usual Plan B script, IMO.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

(Saying what I really think will get me banned).

(Saying what I really think will get me banned).

(Saying something sarcastic will probably get me banned, too).

(If you can't say something nice, don't say anything that will get you banned).

(Dammit).

Wolfgar, congratulations on walking through this fire and coming out the other side.

Perhaps offering to give out advice in this manner is not the best approach.

May I suggest that you peruse the other threads on TAM and offer your thoughts on those that you find that you might have something helpful to say?

Congratulations again, and welcome back.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Wolfgar
> But eventually I cooled down, *I told her I loved her and wished her the best of luck with him.*
> 
> Well the next day, her and him got a hotel. I drive up there to confront them, she won't come out and has sex with him that night. I drove home crying, my wife had just chosen another man over me (worse day of my life).
> ...


Wolfgar
Maybe one of the reasons that some on this thread do not want your advice is that initially you were so crushed that you allowed yourself to be a door mat. Not only were you a door mat but you wished her good luck with the OM. You trying to show your wife how considerate you are in that situation is seen as despicable by some. Your words are somewhat like you begging your wife to come back to you after she betrayed you in a terrible way.

That was then but now you say


> But after a lot of trial and error, I was able to save our marriage and our family. There is always hope



*Exactly how did you save your marriage for 4 years?
What did you do and what did she do?*


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Wolfgar
> Maybe one of the reasons that some on this thread do not want your advice is that initially you were so crushed that you allowed yourself to be a door mat. Not only were you a door mat but you wished her good luck with the OM. You trying to show your wife how considerate you are in that situation is seen as despicable by some. Your words are somewhat like you begging your wife to come back to you after she betrayed you in a terrible way.
> 
> That was then but now you say
> ...


LOL, if this is all true, he should keep his mouth shut.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Filing a false police report goes far, Far, FAR beyond the usual Plan B script, IMO.


Maybe we are coming off as too harsh.. He needs help. 

I think he posted for a reason after all this time.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, why are you here if your situation is solved?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...what exactly happened over the past four years?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> So...what exactly happened over the past four years?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You think this guy is going to come back and reply after some of you threw shyt at him?:laugh:

That's some phucked up shyt some of you said and this is coming from someone who does't really give a phuck...put what the hell for each their own,:frown2:

Hell one can reply how ever the hell they want...right?:grin2:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I mean really...

I know I have shyt advise, (beside not knowing how to spell and cussing a lot) no one has to tell me but when a guy comes back and offer to help and one replies there advice is not welcome.....man that is just some plain @ss bull crap in my book.....and I don;t even have that big of a book sort of speak.....

I


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

There's always talk about changing yourself,if need be,when infidelity comes to visit,so maybe the OP has done exactly that. If this is the same OP whose wife also posted her side of the story at that time,then there was room for changes on both sides. Hope he hasn't been run off.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I like a good R story and am interested in reading yours. I'm hoping that your story is not one of profound rug sweeping and settling for doormat status.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

At first, I was agreeing with those who were discounting your position. Then I thought that was actually Bull crap. Then I read a whole bunch of successfully reconciled people's stories and concluded that in the end, you all are at the same point.

This ain't gonna be popular but here goes:
R has two elements. One is the WS element. Do they do penance, Do they "get it" whatever that means, do they make themselves a "safe" partner? Personally, all of that is just, IMHO, crap. the BS thought that the WS "got it" that cheating was wrong. The BS thought the WS was a safe partner. The BS never thought that penance was needed, as the offense of cheating was not contemplated as a reality. As a result, a BS is just willing to take another chance with the WS. In short, the WS just has to appear to be a non WS once again, like they were presumed to have been in the first place.

From the BS perspective, you still get mind movies, you still suffer, you still get to eat the crap sandwich. Then, for whatever reasons that you decided to stay, you kiss the cook. Maybe you stay for the kids. maybe you stay because you take your vows seriously. basically, whatever gets the BS though the night is the reason they stay. Still, they eat, digest, and think about the crap sandwich they were served and they kiss the cook and hope that they never get served that sandwich again.

If you nice 'em back, rug sweep, or whatever, in the end, if you end up staying together, you are together. Sure, we can talk about them "helping you heal", but in my experience, every BS goes through the same thing. if your goal is to stay together, I am not convinced that rug sweeping differs much from going through all of the healing exercises. You gotta cling to whatever gets you through the night.

That being said, if your rug sweeping plan worked for you, it will work for someone else. Probably with the same odds of success as those who go through the more rigid forms of reconciliation therapy.

Actually, I'd like to see the stats on that. Happiness scale for those who rugswept vs those who worked hard. Long term success for those who rugswept vs those who did the orthodox therapy.

In short, for those who want to stay together no matter what, I don't think it matters how you do it.

Sorry for the harsh view, but in my experience, the only truly happy people I've met that have suffered from infidelity betrayals have been those that ended the relationship and moved on to a healthy one. Every single time. The rest all have that same look, like they got what they wanted, but it was not worth the price that they paid.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Wolfgar
> If anyone needs help, I'm here to offer any kind of advice I can.


*Did you really mean that?*

If you were serious about your words above why have you not answered those posts that are asking how you saved your marriage. You may give some advice or relate your experience that will help.

If you are going to come to TAM and offer advice you need to get tough enough that you can take some posts that may offend you. Infidelity discussions are not for the easily offended.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Exactly how did you save your marriage for 4 years?
> What did you do and what did she do?*


The OM got sick of her and dumped her, so she got back together with OP.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Popcorn2015 said:


> The OM got sick of her and dumped her, so she got back together with OP.


Now, if I were a bettin' man...:lol:


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