# Wife, stepmom, is crazy jealous of daughter



## SDAH

So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. We have been married almost a year. My daughter is 7.

She has told me my daughter should never sit in my lap. She loves kids and will consistently talk about how cute kids are that age and how she would like to adopt them. However she is colder and colder to my daughter. She tells me constantly that I put my daughter before her. 

Tonight I hit the breaking point because my daughter was laughing looking and touching my feet and comparing them to hers and saying she didn't want her feet to look like mine (me either!). I laughed and told her she was being weird. Afterwards my wife told me it was inappropriate how she was touching my feet and giggling. I just don't get it. Anyone been through this before? I also have an older teen son with no issues like this with her.


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## happyhusband0005

I have no advice other than to say your wife sounds troubled. Saying your 7 year old shouldn't sit on your lap or shouldn't goof around and tease you about your feet. Just weird and frankly disturbing.


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## Luckylucky

It sounds like controlling behaviour, has she been this way about other people in your life that you’re close to? You and your daughter might share a close bond and it sounds like she doesn’t want you to be close to anyone other than her?


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## Openminded

Was she like this before you married her?


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## SDAH

She's not like this about anyone or anything else really. It's like she doesn't like my daughter taking any attention from her. 

No, she wasn't like this before. And its something that consistently is getting worse. She will also say she worries my daughter is too vain because she likes to dress up and look pretty and play with makeup or pretend. She will say she is just like her mom.


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## Livvie

How old is your wife?


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## frusdil

Your wife is being ridiculous.


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## Spicy

Livvie said:


> How old is your wife?


Yeah, because she is acting younger than your daughter?


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## Livvie

I'm wondering if she's 20 or something...


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## Openminded

I hope you’re not planning on having children with her. 

(You realize she’s not going to change, right?)


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## SDAH

She is in her early 40s. We each have 2 kids. Hers are older boys, preteen and teenage.


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## Openminded

She sees your daughter as a rival and that is very likely to be the situation as long as you’re with her.


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## SDAH

What's adding additional stress to this is we are probably moving from a 50/50 schedule with my daughter to a 100% due to my ex taking a position out of country (for 2-3 years). My wife is super stressed about the potential change with a "I didn't sign up for this" attitude. To me that is ******** as anyone in a marriage with kids involved is just an accident away from this at anytime.


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## SDAH

Openminded said:


> She sees your daughter as a rival and that is very likely to be the situation as long as you’re with her.


Definitely my feeling. I want to get her to counseling with me, but she doesn't want to go.


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## Openminded

SDAH said:


> Definitely my feeling. I want to get her to counseling with me, but she doesn't want to go.


Of course she doesn’t. She sees you and your daughter as the problem — not her. If your daughter does end up living full time with you, the situation is likely to get even worse.


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## lifeistooshort

How much of your daughter's care is your wife going to be responsible for with 100% custody?

A lot of men dump the care of their kids onto the new wife. Can you verify whether this is the case with you?


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. We have been married almost a year. My daughter is 7.
> 
> She has told me my daughter should never sit in my lap. She loves kids and will consistently talk about how cute kids are that age and how she would like to adopt them. However she is colder and colder to my daughter. She tells me constantly that I put my daughter before her.
> 
> Tonight I hit the breaking point because my daughter was laughing looking and touching my feet and comparing them to hers and saying she didn't want her feet to look like mine (me either!). I laughed and told her she was being weird. Afterwards my wife told me it was inappropriate how she was touching my feet and giggling. I just don't get it. Anyone been through this before? I also have an older teen son with no issues like this with her.


Good grief why did you marry such a paranoid woman?. There is no way that I would let a step parent affect my relationship with my young child in this way. I mean a 7 year old cant sit on your lap??? Thats just totally weird.
Unless she can stop being like this its hard to see how the marriage will last much longer. Your daughter may begin to resent her as well.


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> She is in her early 40s. We each have 2 kids. Hers are older boys, preteen and teenage.


Do they live with you as well?


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> She's not like this about anyone or anything else really. It's like she doesn't like my daughter taking any attention from her.
> 
> No, she wasn't like this before. And its something that consistently is getting worse. She will also say she worries my daughter is too vain because she likes to dress up and look pretty and play with makeup or pretend. She will say she is just like her mom.


Wow, thats terrible. I would say that you have a very troubling time ahead. She clearly has issues both with your daugher and her mum.


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## SpinyNorman

This is only a suspicion but given that she mostly complains about the physical aspects of your relationship, I guess she fears your relationship w/ D is becoming sexual in some way. I think that is crazy(if true) but am putting it out there in case it helps some how.


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## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> How much of your daughter's care is your wife going to be responsible for with 100% custody?
> 
> A lot of men dump the care of their kids onto the new wife. Can you verify whether this is the case with you?


Thats the risk when you marry a person with young children. After all 2 of the children there are hers.


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## RandomDude

SDAH said:


> So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. We have been married almost a year. My daughter is 7.
> 
> She has told me my daughter should never sit in my lap. She loves kids and will consistently talk about how cute kids are that age and how she would like to adopt them. However she is colder and colder to my daughter. She tells me constantly that I put my daughter before her.
> 
> Tonight I hit the breaking point because my daughter was laughing looking and touching my feet and comparing them to hers and saying she didn't want her feet to look like mine (me either!). I laughed and told her she was being weird. Afterwards my wife told me it was inappropriate how she was touching my feet and giggling. I just don't get it. Anyone been through this before? I also have an older teen son with no issues like this with her.





SDAH said:


> She's not like this about anyone or anything else really. It's like she doesn't like my daughter taking any attention from her.
> 
> No, she wasn't like this before. And its something that consistently is getting worse. She will also say she worries my daughter is too vain because she likes to dress up and look pretty and play with makeup or pretend. She will say she is just like her mom.


Da F? I would consider that a bait and switch and show my new wife the door. 

I've been on the receiving end of a neglectful parent due to a jealous step-partner and definitely won't allow that for my daughter. Not to mention you have already set the standards when it comes to your children and her behavior is quite dishonest that she only revealed her colors after tying the knot.

Bloody hell.


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## SDAH

lifeistooshort said:


> How much of your daughter's care is your wife going to be responsible for with 100% custody?
> 
> A lot of men dump the care of their kids onto the new wife. Can you verify whether this is the case with you?


I dont know the answer to this. Obviously it would be more than before. But I would guess care in the house is 80% me and 20% her. I occasionally need her to pick up my daughter and obviously dinners when it's a family thing, but outside of that, very little. I do all the schooling, bedtime, dressing, all that stuff. One of my wife's complaints is if I happen to work late my daughter struggles with bedtime routine without me here. Usually my son manages that stuff in my absence. 

Her two sons have a 50/50ish schedule at our house (a little more). My son I have sole custody of (what a tangled life I have lived!).


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## SDAH

SpinyNorman said:


> This is only a suspicion but given that she mostly complains about the physical aspects of your relationship, I guess she fears your relationship w/ D is becoming sexual in some way. I think that is crazy(if true) but am putting it out there in case it helps some how.


If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really. 

Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really.
> 
> Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.


Children need affection, especially little girls from their dad. I just hope you dont let your wifes disapproval affect how you interact with the child, your daughter will notice.


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## SpinyNorman

SDAH said:


> If she was post puberty sitting on my lap, I get that. I honestly think its an attention thing. My daughter was a night owl before we moved in. Bedtime normally 9-930. School here starts late. I've moved it up to 815 at wife's request so we have more time together. Which sucks as I usually work late couple times a week and on those nights I don't even see her really.
> 
> Also, I've told my work I would have to adjust schedules due to the potential change in custody specifically so I don't put too much on my wife.


I don't think there's anything inappropriate about what you've described w/ your D. 
I'm not agreeing w/ your wife, just trying to understand her. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter if she thinks it's an intimacy issue or plain old competition.


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## lifeistooshort

Diana7 said:


> Thats the risk when you marry a person with young children. After all 2 of the children there are hers.


Umm, no. She signed up to be his partner in parenting, not to assume full care of his daughter unless they agreed on that. 

Nowhere did he say that he assumed full care of her kids, so I'm trying to understand if she is in fact fully responsible for all of them.


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## lifeistooshort

SDAH said:


> I dont know the answer to this. Obviously it would be more than before. But I would guess care in the house is 80% me and 20% her. I occasionally need her to pick up my daughter and obviously dinners when it's a family thing, but outside of that, very little. I do all the schooling, bedtime, dressing, all that stuff. One of my wife's complaints is if I happen to work late my daughter struggles with bedtime routine without me here. Usually my son manages that stuff in my absence.
> 
> Her two sons have a 50/50ish schedule at our house (a little more). My son I have sole custody of (what a tangled life I have lived!).


That seems reasonable....I just wanted to rule that out.

Have you and your wife discussed how much of a role she'd like to have vs how much of a role you're comfortable with?

Perhaps if your wife bonded better with your daughter you'd have fewer issues? It might help if she had a more active role. If your daughter can't go to bed without you there that seems problematic.

Granted when I met my ex his daughter was older (16) but my ex not only did very little to encourage us to form a relationship....he actively sabotaged it by excluding me from a lot of things which I think in turn caused her to exclude me from a lot. He then got pissed off that I wasn't more interested in her.


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## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> Umm, no. She signed up to be his partner in parenting, not to assume full care of his daughter unless they agreed on that.
> 
> Nowhere did he say that he assumed full care of her kids, so I'm trying to understand if she is in fact fully responsible for all of them.


Things happen though. Accidents and illness for example.At one time it looked as if my husbands then 17 year old may come and live with us full time. it didnt happen but I was not going to make thing of it.


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## lifeistooshort

Diana7 said:


> Things happen though. Accidents and illness for example.At one time it looked as if my husbands then 17 year old may come and live with us full time. it didnt happen but I was not going to make thing of it.


Fortunately he answered and clarified and I responded to that.


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## Nailhead

Gosh, all the songs about daddys' little girl one would think there is something too it. Your W should come first but your daughter checking feet and how they look is not an issue in my book. That is your wife issue apparently.


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## pastasauce79

Your wife is acting very weird. Why does she think is inappropriate to play with your daughter? I guess taking a shower with your daughter is out of the question!

My husband has had a few stepmoms. His first step mom loves him like a son. She used to rock him to sleep when he was sick as a child. My husband remembers this very clearly and very affectionately. They both have a great relationship. She loves me like a daughter. 

I have a cousin who had two children and his wife died of a brain tumor. His second wife came to his life when his second child was a toddler. I remember his second wife (his girlfriend at the time) laying down with this child helping her to sleep. The child is 10 now and even though she doesn't remember her biological mom, she feels her stepmom is her real mother. 

Both women were loving and caring towards these children. There wasn't any jealousy or competition between the wife and the children. They understood the husband had small children he was responsible for. 

I don't think your wife understands the needs of a child. I wonder how she raised her own children. 

I would watch her behavior around your child. I would definitely get out if that behavior continues. 

Wives can come and go. Your children are yours forever.


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## lifeistooshort

pastasauce79 said:


> Your wife is acting very weird. Why does she think is inappropriate to play with your daughter? I guess taking a shower with your daughter is out of the question!
> 
> My husband has had a few stepmoms. His first step mom loves him like a son. She used to rock him to sleep when he was sick as a child. My husband remembers this very clearly and very affectionately. They both have a great relationship. She loves me like a daughter.
> 
> I have a cousin who had two children and his wife died of a brain tumor. His second wife came to his life when his second child was a toddler. I remember his second wife (his girlfriend at the time) laying down with this child helping her to sleep. The child is 10 now and even though she doesn't remember her biological mom, she feels her stepmom is her real mother.
> 
> Both women were loving and caring towards these children. There wasn't any jealousy or competition between the wife and the children. They understood the husband had small children he was responsible for.
> 
> I don't think your wife understands the needs of a child. I wonder how she raised her own children.
> 
> I would watch her behavior around your child. I would definitely get out if that behavior continues.
> 
> Wives can come and go. Your children are yours forever.


You just reminded me of something my dad used to tell me.

He'd say "life, the *****es in your life will come and go but you and me are forever".

I get teary eyed thinking about it.

I was a daddy's girl.


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## gold5932

The child is 7 for God's sake. She needs hugs, kisses, cuddling from her parent. She's obviously not going to get that from her stepmom. Why be a stepmom to a 7 year old unless you're willing to show love and attention.


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## SDAH

lifeistooshort said:


> That seems reasonable....I just wanted to rule that out.
> 
> Have you and your wife discussed how much of a role she'd like to have vs how much of a role you're comfortable with?
> 
> Perhaps if your wife bonded better with your daughter you'd have fewer issues? It might help if she had a more active role. If your daughter can't go to bed without you there that seems problematic.
> 
> Granted when I met my ex his daughter was older (16) but my ex not only did very little to encourage us to form a relationship....he actively sabotaged it by excluding me from a lot of things which I think in turn caused her to exclude me from a lot. He then got pissed off that I wasn't more interested in her.


I've tried getting her to do more with my daughter. Suggested things like mani/pedis, theme park days. My wife doesn't want to do any. I even ask her why she is not affectionate with her and she says she worries her youngest son would get jealous. 

She is super affectionate with her sons. Past the point I am comfortable with in a lot of circumstances. Not anything wrong, just not how I was raised or would be with my kids at their age.


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## SDAH

Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.

So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now. 

Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.


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## lifeistooshort

Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?

Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.

Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.


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## SDAH

lifeistooshort said:


> Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?
> 
> Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.
> 
> Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.





lifeistooshort said:


> Perhaps I've missed it but how old are her boys? How does her parenting style compare to yours?
> 
> Have you considered going to a family counselor that specializes in blending families? Dealing with other people's kids is a big reason second marriages fail. Your wife for whatever reason isn't bonding with your daughter and family counseling might help with that.
> 
> Some people just don't bond with other kids like their own....I know I have trouble with that. If you guys had some tools and guidance they might be able to bond.


P
11 and 16.

I've brought up counseling but she seems against it.


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## lifeistooshort

SDAH said:


> P
> 11 and 16.
> 
> I've brought up counseling but she seems against it.



She seems against it doesn't mean she refuses.

I don't know how you framed the conversation but frame it in terms of helping both of you understand the others concerns.

Have you told her that you are struggling with understanding what is reasonable regarding her concerns?

Asking her to work on her issues will be received differently.

Dealing with 11 and 16 year olds is much different then a 7 year old. Younger kids are much needier.


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## gold5932

SDAH said:


> Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.
> 
> So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now.
> 
> Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.


Who would anyone put up with this? You think it's going to get better when your daughter is 13 and is acting out because of the crap going on at her house?


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## Luckylucky

The bedtime thing is awful - my god all of my kids at that age took a good hour to settle with constant mum mum mum at bedtime. Timing you and calling you is really terrible. She must have been very lucky to have two kids that just went to bed without a peep!! There’s even a book written about it ‘Go the F—- to Sleep’. I feel for you here. 

I understand she may not have signed up for your daughter being there more than what she originally assumed but this is just insane. Has she forgotten what those early years were like? As I said, she must have had really obedient kids. 

Maybe she could be a part of the bedtime routine, I’m not really sure how to fix that one but I would not tolerate being called on the phone while putting my kid to sleep.


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## SDAH

Luckylucky said:


> The bedtime thing is awful - my god all of my kids at that age took a good hour to settle with constant mum mum mum at bedtime. Timing you and calling you is really terrible. She must have been very lucky to have two kids that just went to bed without a peep!! There’s even a book written about it ‘Go the F—- to Sleep’. I feel for you here.
> 
> I understand she may not have signed up for your daughter being there more than what she originally assumed but this is just insane. Has she forgotten what those early years were like? As I said, she must have had really obedient kids.
> 
> Maybe she could be a part of the bedtime routine, I’m not really sure how to fix that one but I would not tolerate being called on the phone while putting my kid to sleep.


Yeah...so her youngest had to be moved out of her bed before I moved in. In 5th grade. And sleeps now with a TV on. Which was a point of contention with my daughter because I don't allow that. So yeah...


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## Luckylucky

SDAH said:


> Yeah...so her youngest had to be moved out of her bed before I moved in. In 5th grade. And sleeps now with a TV on. Which was a point of contention with my daughter because I don't allow that. So yeah...


Something is off here. She shared a bed that long with her own child... yet is concerned that you’re being inappropriate with your daughter and obsessing over your bedtime ritual with her to the point of ringing you?


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## Luckylucky

I’m wondering if someone in her own life might have been giving her grief about it being inappropriate for her to let her kid stay in the bed that long, and now she’s giving it back to someone else? Look many parents would have a lot to say about her co-sleeping situation, parents can be very judgemental. I’m really thinking this has something to do with her fixation on your relationship with your daughter


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> Two more little stories about this. These have gotten better, primarily due to my daughter doing better at night.
> 
> So, my daughter went through a spell for about a month where she would wake once or twice a night, would knock on our door for me to put her back to bed. I would go up for typically 5-10 mins to get her settled. My wife would complain I was gone too long and tell me if I wanted to be up there with her just stay up there. She would tell me I was up there for at least 30 minutes. This got so bad I had to text her when I went up and came down to prove I wasn't up there that long. To me this was completely absurd as I didn't want to be woke up or be up any longer than needed. Thankfully my daughter only wakes probably once every 4-5 nights now.
> 
> Another point of contention was how long I spent with her on bedtime. Typically 20-25 minutes to get in pj's, brush teeth, read a book, all that stuff. This hlcame to a head one night when she felt I was taking too long and literally called my phone 8 times telling me to hurry up. There was no emergency, she just wanted me downstairs. I literally answered the phone while reading a book to her and had to tell my wife I would be down in a few minutes when the book was done and she was tucked in. Luckily, that hasn't happened again. Of course I asked if she had a mental illness because I had never experienced anything like that.


There is no way that I would have agreed to the texting or answering her phone in those situations, that is complete madness.


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## SDAH

So tonight as this is quickly becoming our reality in a few months (having sole custody for a few years due to mom being out of country), my wife hits me with this. 

She told me-Let me have majority decision making and we can make this work. And just to clarify, I was like, you don't want to have 50/50 say in raising her, setting rules, etc. She said no, I want to raise her how I did my boys. She wants more like 75/25 say. 

What the act f***? She didn't meet my daughter til she was 6. Now she is 7. Who would even think they have that right?


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## UpsideDownWorld11

IDK, people are a product of how they were raised. They will see minefields where you see nothing. I think she is being extra, but in a couple years sitting on your lap will be a grey area. If you want your marriage to last, it might be best to try and understand her perspective and try and find out where she comes from. It might be some weird Oedipus jealousy or just the way she is wired. I assume you married her because you believed she was a good person deep down.


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## DownByTheRiver

You're going to have to get her to sit down with someone maybe in couples counseling or church counseling who will just point blank tell her that it is normal to put your children number one over your spouse. You wouldn't be a very good father if you didn't. If you have a priest or pastor, I would start there.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're going to have to get her to sit down with someone maybe in couples counseling or church counseling who will just point blank tell her that it is normal to put your children number one over your spouse. You wouldn't be a very good father if you didn't. If you have a priest or pastor, I would start there.


It's normal but is it healthy? Not in many cases.


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## Livvie

Why is your daughter's mother okay with going away for a few years?

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.


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## SDAH

Livvie said:


> Why is your daughter's mother okay with going away for a few years?
> 
> I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.


Her career got derailed due to Covid. Opportunity to get it back on track. Not something I could do, but that's why. 

We aren't even in an argument on who comes first. I feel she gets jealous with any attention going to my daughter.


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> So tonight as this is quickly becoming our reality in a few months (having sole custody for a few years due to mom being out of country), my wife hits me with this.
> 
> She told me-Let me have majority decision making and we can make this work. And just to clarify, I was like, you don't want to have 50/50 say in raising her, setting rules, etc. She said no, I want to raise her how I did my boys. She wants more like 75/25 say.
> 
> What the act f***? She didn't meet my daughter til she was 6. Now she is 7. Who would even think they have that right?


You know your daughter, she doesn't. Its not up to her to decide how to bring her up and dictate who does what. Please dont agree to this, yours and your daughers lives will be hell. She has already give you a taste of what that would mean.


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## joannacroc

Maybe she wants to feel like things are less out of her control. Would encourage her to try and do part of bedtime routine? See how your daughter reacts? Maybe she could read the story for example?

What did she say to you when you asked why she wants 75/25? Why does she want more responsibility for your daughter? Is it because she resents the time YOU spend with her and is hoping to somehow curtail that or chip away at the bond you have with her? Her raising her how she did her boys isn't much of an explanation...


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## SDAH

joannacroc said:


> Maybe she wants to feel like things are less out of her control. Would encourage her to try and do part of bedtime routine? See how your daughter reacts? Maybe she could read the story for example?
> 
> What did she say to you when you asked why she wants 75/25? Why does she want more responsibility for your daughter? Is it because she resents the time YOU spend with her and is hoping to somehow curtail that or chip away at the bond you have with her? Her raising her how she did her boys isn't much of an explanation...


She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.


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## lifeistooshort

SDAH said:


> She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.


Does yoir daughter have to be in bed for you two to have alone time?

Can she not hang out and do her own thing? My kids are older now but I don't remember having to entertain them right up until bed time even at your daughter's age.


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## Livvie

It sounds like she shouldn't have married someone with a young child.


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## Livvie

SDAH said:


> She says she doesn't want two sets of rules in the house. But with the age differences, that's already the case anyways. But I am for consistency there too. What worries me is she will frequently suggest I tell my daughter to go to bed at 7 or 730 just so we have more time alone. My daughter normally goes to bed about 815 to 830 which is a huge compromise on my part.


7 or 7:30 bedtime???? That's crazy. Please don't allow that if it's too early for your daughter.


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## Openminded

Is the reason for the current bedtime so that you can spend as much time with her as possible? That was true for me when I went back to work after almost a year at home. I made my child’s bedtime around 9:00 so that I had plenty of time to play games, read stories, etc. An early bedtime — to me — deprives the working parent(s) of time with the child. Maybe some parents are fine with that but I wasn’t and I doubt you are. She’s in competition with your daughter and she’s going to do whatever she can to win.


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## Evinrude58

SDAH said:


> What's adding additional stress to this is we are probably moving from a 50/50 schedule with my daughter to a 100% due to my ex taking a position out of country (for 2-3 years). My wife is super stressed about the potential change with a "I didn't sign up for this" attitude. To me that is ****** as anyone in a marriage with kids involved is just an accident away from this at anytime.


As a person who has a stepmother who was super jealous of myself and my sister, I’ll say this:
Knowing what I know, if I married a woman and she acted that way, I’d divorce her tomorrow and never look back. She ruined my sister emotionally, to this day.
However, the stepmother took good. Are of my dad. She died a couple of years ago. It bothered me only for my dad and my stepsister.
You are not a good father if you allow this woman to abuse your daughter. She will, if only emotionally. You should send her packing.


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## SDAH

Openminded said:


> Is the reason for the current bedtime so that you can spend as much time with her as possible? That was true for me when I went back to work after almost a year at home. I made my child’s bedtime around 9:00 so that I had plenty of time to play games, read stories, etc. An early bedtime — to me — deprives the working parent(s) of time with the child. Maybe some parents are fine with that but I wasn’t and I doubt you are. She’s in competition with your daughter and she’s going to do whatever she can to win.


Yeah, that's the biggest reason. And I am in sales and about half the time don't get home until 815 til sometimes 9. My daughter wants to wait up on me. She won't allow it. I would rather bend on those days too so I get that little time with her. On those days with school, I literally see her at breakfast and that's it. 

And we just had another argument where she told me my daughter was exhausting just having her part time, she can't imagine it 100% of the time. 

My daughter is high energy, but is well behaved and not defiant. Always good feedback from teachers, coaches, dance. While not perfect, my wife could certainly have it much more difficult.


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## SDAH

I dont think I am getting anywhere in this situation. My wife tonight tells me that I am giving her my daughter to raise for 3 years and not letting her raise her how she wants. 

I am like, whoa whoa whoa, no one is giving my daughter to you. WE will be raising her for 3 years and making decisions and rules together. 

She responds with no, that it would be a slap in the face to her older sons if they see someone in this house raised differently than they were. And I say, of course they would be raised differently as I was not their dad! 

And before people ask. I do all my daughters laundry from beginning to end. All her school work, pack her lunch, and 95% of travel for extracurricular activities. Like, I know it's going to be more on my wife, and those percentages will change more and she will have to be more involved. But that's a far cry from "giving my daughter" to her for 3 years. 

We seem to be at an impasse. And it seems so ****ing stupid to me. I suggested a counselor or at least let's have a conversation with us and a member of her family to get their input. Someone neutral or even sympathetic to her to tell her I am not being unreasonable.


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## pastasauce79

You already have a feeling something isn't right. 

Listen to your gut!!

Your family situation sounds like a Cinderella story! I hope there's a happy ending for your daughter.


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## SDAH

Just an update...so our lives improved quite a bit about 4 months ago when I started working from home, giving more time to her and the family. 

However, about 8 weeks ago she returned to the office after working at home most of the time, and things are now worse than ever. 

Just last night, we had my daughter here, just the 3 of us. It was her last night here before going back to her mom's for a vacation for 9 nights. This will be the longest I've been away from her. So I tell my wife, why don't the 3 of us find a movie or show to watch together?

She was mad from the beginning. She didn't understand why we had her a Wednesday. Wanted me to give that to her mom (which would mean 10 nights apart). Then wanted me to, I guess, just send her to her room to play alone so that we could have time just the 2 of us. I told her I wanted to spend that time with my daughter since I wouldn't see her for so long. 

I feel like I am fighting the same battle over and over. I feel like she is going to be angry and fight if she isn't my sole focus. I have no idea what to do or if this is even fixable. 

I think it's about to get a ton worse in August when my daughter plays travel sports and we have her 100% of the time. My wife has already said she wasn't willing to travel over night even for fun tournament locations (just once or twice a year, nothing crazy). That coupled with practice 3 times a week and games...should be fun.


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## OnTheRocks

She is toxic AF. Show her the door.


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## Openminded

And — big surprise — your wife still wants 100% of your time and energy and attention. Life’s going to be tough when it’s time for your ex to move out of the country and your wife’s in charge of your daughter.


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## frusdil

SDAH said:


> She didn't understand why we had her a Wednesday. Wanted me to give that to her mom (which would mean 10 nights apart). Then wanted me to, I guess, just send her to her room to play alone so that we could have time just the 2 of us. I told her I wanted to spend that time with my daughter since I wouldn't see her for so long.
> 
> I feel like I am fighting the same battle over and over. I feel like she is going to be angry and fight if she isn't my sole focus. I have no idea what to do or if this is even fixable.


Your wife is being effing ridiculous. WTAF is wrong with her??? This does not bode well for your daughter. 

If I were you, I'd be making arrangements so that you will be the one to do everything for your daughter, including all transport and travel, while she's with you, because your wife will make sure you hear about how inconvenient it is for her if she does it, on the daily.

That poor little girl


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## Twodecades

@SDAH, what exactly are you looking for as far as advice or feedback?


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## SDAH

Twodecades said:


> @SDAH, what exactly are you looking for as far as advice or feedback?


I dont know. I guess to make sure I'm not being crazy. She doubled down the last day telling me that should have let my ex have her for 10 days instead of 9 so we could have time just ourselves (nevermind my 16 yr old). I was like, no, not when I am without her that long. She countered with we are about to have her 3 years. 

She just keeps telling me over and over that I don't love her like she thought, I don't put her first, etc. I respond that putting you first doesn't mean solely, that I still have to have time for others including just me. 

I even had to run to the store for my daughter today to get her something for dance. I was told, your ex has her, why doesn't she get it. I respond with, it would take her an hour, it takes me 25 mins (Due to our closeness to the dance store). She tells me I care more about my ex than her and why am I doing favors for my ex. And I am pulling out my hair saying, it's for my daughter, not my ex. It's literally everything.


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## Blondilocks

SDAH said:


> So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. *We have been married almost a year.*


Admit your mistake and divorce. She is going to make your life and your daughter's life hell. Please don't put your daughter through that. Your daughter may struggle with feelings of abandonment from her mother - she doesn't need crap from a step-mother.


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## Diana7

It's hard to understand why she married man with an ex and a child when she is almost paranoid with jealousy over that child. It's hard to understand why you married such a jealous and immature woman when you have a child who depends on you.


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## SDAH

Diana7 said:


> It's hard to understand why she married man with an ex and a child when she is almost paranoid with jealousy over that child. It's hard to understand why you married such a jealous and immature woman when you have a child who depends on you.


I mean, obviously, I never saw this coming. She works at a school and is the type that hugs all the kids and all the parents and kids love her. She was even was telling me one time about how excited her and this kid were to see each other after a while and how cute the 5 year old girl was. I was like, you live with a pretty cute girl all the time that never gets that. 

When my daughter left yesterday she ran to hug her brother. The she told my wife bye, I am leaving for 9 days. My wife just kinda halfway staring at the TV says bye. No I'll miss you, or anything of common courtesy. She never hugs her or shows her any real love. That's my biggest concern. I want expose her to that the next 3 years. I hope it gets better. But a lot of people told me that they wouldn't expect someone in their 40s to change so fundamentally.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife is a mean, self-centered witch (with a b). Your daughter needs more than your hope.


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## hubbyintrubby

SDAH said:


> I dont know. I guess to make sure I'm not being crazy. She doubled down the last day telling me that should have let my ex have her for 10 days instead of 9 so we could have time just ourselves (nevermind my 16 yr old). I was like, no, not when I am without her that long. She countered with we are about to have her 3 years.
> 
> *She just keeps telling me over and over that I don't love her like she thought, I don't put her first, etc.* I respond that putting you first doesn't mean solely, that I still have to have time for others including just me.
> 
> I even had to run to the store for my daughter today to get her something for dance. I was told, your ex has her, why doesn't she get it. I respond with, it would take her an hour, it takes me 25 mins (Due to our closeness to the dance store). She tells me I care more about my ex than her and why am I doing favors for my ex. And I am pulling out my hair saying, it's for my daughter, not my ex. It's literally everything.


Man, this is just pure controlling behavior. You wife is using your love for her and her perceived lack thereof as a tool to control you and your emotions along with the relationship you have with your daughter.

You cant just hope this one away. Dollars to donuts, this does NOT get better. This woman sees your daughter as a rival in your home. That won't change until she's grown and out of the house. You willing to lose the love and respect of your daughter for this woman?

Ask me how I know.


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## Diana7

SDAH said:


> I mean, obviously, I never saw this coming. She works at a school and is the type that hugs all the kids and all the parents and kids love her. She was even was telling me one time about how excited her and this kid were to see each other after a while and how cute the 5 year old girl was. I was like, you live with a pretty cute girl all the time that never gets that.
> 
> When my daughter left yesterday she ran to hug her brother. The she told my wife bye, I am leaving for 9 days. My wife just kinda halfway staring at the TV says bye. No I'll miss you, or anything of common courtesy. She never hugs her or shows her any real love. That's my biggest concern. I want expose her to that the next 3 years. I hope it gets better. But a lot of people told me that they wouldn't expect someone in their 40s to change so fundamentally.


Did you live together before you married?


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## Openminded

Guess who your daughter is going to blame for her childhood when she’s an adult? It won’t be her stepmom. It’ll be you for letting it happen.


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## Openminded

As for liking other people’s children, that’s because she’s not living with them and feeling that they’re her chief competitor. She has issues you can’t solve.


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## Twodecades

@SDAH, the circumstances as you describe them are serious and not looking very hopeful. I would tell your wife that counseling is not optional at this point if she wants a future with you, a future which includes your daughter. It's your wife's choice from there, but things cannot carry on as they have been. This isn't going to go away unless you take some actions.


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## lifeistooshort

Taken in a vacuum your wife is correct...10 days isn't the end of the world given that you're going to have her full time for 3 years, and frankly your reaction would annoy me.

But from a broader perspective what you have isn't going to work because your wife isn't bonded with your daughter. I understand both positions ...in addition to my issues with my ex hb's daughter that I already posted about my boys were 2 and 5 when I met my ex.

He never bonded with them either and always complained that they didn't spend enough time with their father. I suspect it was for similar reasons.....he was jealous of them. He had very different standards for my boys then his spoiled daughter.

They were 18 and 16 when I finally left him and my biggest regret is that I didn't find someone who bonded with them. They're both fine because I ignored his crap and kept my bond with them, but after 13 years with him they have nothing to do with him....it's like he never existed. 

I generally don't like the tendency to simply label the wife a meanie because the dynamics are usually more complicated then that, and you could in fact be contributing to this in ways you don't realize.

But this isn't healthy and you will regret this. Either you MUST go to family counseling or you should consider leaving this marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver

SDAH said:


> So my wife, new marriage, is very jealous of daughter. We have been married almost a year. My daughter is 7.
> 
> She has told me my daughter should never sit in my lap. She loves kids and will consistently talk about how cute kids are that age and how she would like to adopt them. However she is colder and colder to my daughter. She tells me constantly that I put my daughter before her.
> 
> Tonight I hit the breaking point because my daughter was laughing looking and touching my feet and comparing them to hers and saying she didn't want her feet to look like mine (me either!). I laughed and told her she was being weird. Afterwards my wife told me it was inappropriate how she was touching my feet and giggling. I just don't get it. Anyone been through this before? I also have an older teen son with no issues like this with her.


Sounds like your wife has had at least some passing experience with child molestation. 

As far as putting your daughter before her -- you need to tell her that's what a good parent does, because it is. That doesn't mean be a slave to the child's demands and schedule. Parents should always control all that and set healthy and educational limits so the kid doesn't grow up thinking they are entitled to whatever all the time. But push comes to shove, they both run out in front of a bus, you save your daughter. I have no kids and yet I totally get that, but not everyone does. If she has kids, she should already get it. If not, she should once the has them. Maybe a pet to get her started understanding love and responsibility that comes with it?

After explaining it, tell her, I wouldn't be much of a man if I didn't put my kids first. They're my responsibility.


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## lifeistooshort

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like your wife has had at least some passing experience with child molestation.
> 
> As far as putting your daughter before her -- you need to tell her that's what a good parent does, because it is. That doesn't mean be a slave to the child's demands and schedule. Parents should always control all that and set healthy and educational limits so the kid doesn't grow up thinking they are entitled to whatever all the time. But push comes to shove, they both run out in front of a bus, you save your daughter. I have no kids and yet I totally get that, but not everyone does. If she has kids, she should already get it. If not, she should once the has them. Maybe a pet to get her started understanding love and responsibility that comes with it?
> 
> After explaining it, tell her, I wouldn't be much of a man if I didn't put my kids first. They're my responsibility.


Agree. Whatever issues I had with my ex's snotty, spoiled daughter I NEVER would've expected him to save me first.

That's a basic fact of life.


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## DownByTheRiver

Well, it should be. There are people who do put their love life ahead of their children, sadly.


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## bobert

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like your wife has had at least some passing experience with child molestation.


Perhaps, but it could also be jealousy. The OP said she "had" to stop bedsharing with her 10-11 year old before he moved in. She may resent that, if he was the reason for it, and is turning it into a "if I can't show affection this way with my child, you can't either" thing.


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## DownByTheRiver

bobert said:


> Perhaps, but it could also be jealousy. The OP said she "had" to stop bedsharing with her 10-11 year old before he moved in. She may resent that, if he was the reason for it, and is turning it into a "if I can't show affection this way with my child, you can't either" thing.


Yes, good point, Bobert. But hey, new marriage, sleeping with a 10 year old on any kind of consistent basis (meaning when there isn't a thunderstorm), she should have known better. 

I was one of those kids who drifted around different beds because my sister (7 years older) was a big bully and I didn't like sharing a room with her. I'm not sure if that is why I was so scared at night, but it probably didn't help that I wasn't taught that I had my own room (I didn't) and that it was a safe haven, because I have had night fear most of my life, though only on special occasions now that I'm 68 (like night burglars right next door a couple months ago put me on edge bigtime). 

She probably is tit-for-tatting him. They need to give it a chance to calm down and he needs to hold his position.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

There are too many stories of stepchildren being abused and even murdered by the step parent. Your wife is giving me bad vibes on how she treats your daughter and finds her to be an inconvenience, annoyance and taking time away from your wife. She sounds very jealous of your daughter and the relationship and love you have for your daughter. Next she will be saying your daughter can sleep in the basement, if you have one. She will do what she can to try and ruin your bond with your daughter. I would never leave her alone with her because I just wouldn't trust her. The amount of times on the news is heartbreaking to see these children suffering because of step parents. I couldn't stay with someone like that. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Lynnevicious

Op,
I was in your daughters position, but I was older. You’ll be doing your daughter a great disservice to her by allowing your wife to continue. You need to make sure both your daughter AND wife know that your daughter comes first. Always.

As your daughter gets older (or even now), don’t think for one minute she doesn’t feel the animosity from your wife. Its damaging to her. And as your father, it’s your job to protect her.

You don’t want your wife being so toxic To your daughter that it affects the relationship tou have with your daughter.As she gets older, it'll result in your daughter feeing like a fifth wheel in her own home or made to feel guilty and wrong for wanting to spend time with you.

I was in this exact situation so I know. Send your wife packing or lay down the law hard with a firm line in the sand. I don’t know why you’re acting confused about this when your wife has shown you exactly how she is.

Are you willing to risk permanently ruining your relationship with your daughter? If hot, make a change now by either putting your wire in her place for good or sending her packing.


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## SDAH

Things had settled down for a week or so. Then we had some bad news that my first wife, and son's mother had passed away. My son and I are traveling for her funeral soon. 

Now we have to fly for this. And my daughters mom is out of town for work. So my original plan was for my son and I to fly up for a night and my wife to keep my daughter. She refused. But on top of refusing, she wouldn't allow me to ask her sister or mom who would be happy to help, because they would "make fun of her" for not being able to do it herself. I have only lived here for 3 years so I don't have a support system for things like that. 

I told my wife she was making this worse than just being a single parent. Because as a single parent I would develop these relationships to support myself. As is I count on her. It's completely crazy.


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## Blondilocks

You picked the wrong woman to help you raise your children. You'll have to take your daughter with you.


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## Openminded

Go back to being a single parent.


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## Openminded

You should be aware by now that you can’t count on her. And she doesn’t get to “allow” anything. By continuing to stay in this situation you are enabling it. Move on.


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## Blondilocks

As you've learned, 3 times is not a charm. Do yourself a favor and remain single because you don't do marriage well.


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## Diana7

What a selfish person she is.


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## Ms. Hawaii

SDAH said:


> It's completely crazy.


What’s crazy is you CHOOSING to stay married to a woman who hates your daughter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uwe.blab

SDAH said:


> Things had settled down for a week or so. Then we had some bad news that my first wife, and son's mother had passed away. My son and I are traveling for her funeral soon.
> 
> Now we have to fly for this. And my daughters mom is out of town for work. So my original plan was for my son and I to fly up for a night and my wife to keep my daughter. She refused. But on top of refusing, she wouldn't allow me to ask her sister or mom who would be happy to help, because they would "make fun of her" for not being able to do it herself. I have only lived here for 3 years so I don't have a support system for things like that.
> 
> I told my wife she was making this worse than just being a single parent. Because as a single parent I would develop these relationships to support myself. As is I count on her. It's completely crazy.


Just wondering how things are going now. We are a blended family as well, my wife with D's 6, 10, 11 and me with D 13 and son 10. 

My wife and I are not on the same page in parenting quite often, however my wife is fine with my kids being here more than the 50/50 agreement lays out. So that is fortunate. Also here and my daughter really do not get along sometimes but they have both made strides in moving closer in that area and it has been awesome to see.


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## SDAH

uwe.blab said:


> Just wondering how things are going now. We are a blended family as well, my wife with D's 6, 10, 11 and me with D 13 and son 10.
> 
> My wife and I are not on the same page in parenting quite often, however my wife is fine with my kids being here more than the 50/50 agreement lays out. So that is fortunate. Also here and my daughter really do not get along sometimes but they have both made strides in moving closer in that area and it has been awesome to see.


Sorry, just seeing this as I came back to refresh my memories on all this in detail. 

We are basically at the end. I have a ton of guilt because I will be leaving her in a very bad financial position. But ultimately, that's not on me. I've tried everything. 

My daughter has adjusted really well to her mom being gone the for 2 months. School and sports going well, gets along wonderfully with the step siblings. But my wife still doesn't show her any affection or care, beyond dinner or food stuff. 

Bedtime is still the biggest point of contention. My daughter goes to bed well, but she like to know I'll be up downstairs while she falls asleep. About 2/3rds the time she will call down to me to make sure about 15 mins later, just to see where I am. I get it's annoying, and I am working on it to get better. It is improving. But this is a deal breaker for my wife (that's nuts right?). 

The other night my daughter called down and we are both on the sofa. Wife looks at me with clinched fists and tells me not to say a word. To let her handle. I do. She yells up and just tells her to go to sleep. My daughter gets upset and yells wheres daddy. Repeats. Now my daughter gets upset and is crying. 

I tell my wife I am going to go up there and settle her down and will be back in just a minute. She tells me if I do we are done. That I should let her cry it out and eventually she will fall asleep. I tell her no one in the world is going to dictate to me when I can go to my crying child. I go up, my daughter gets calmed down but asks me why her stepmom is saying mean things about her (third time that's happened this month). 

So this brought everything to a complete head. She says if I dont do what she wants with bedtime it's over. I tell her that's not an option so I will leave. I'm going to look at a rental tomorrow. 

Now, I've tried for the past two months to get her to help with bedtime once or twice a week so my daughter will get comfortable with her in those situations, but she won't. Not even once. I've also talked to a child counselor who told me she thought my daughters situation is normal after her mom left, that she probably has a subconscious need to know I am always there. And that I do need to reassure and comfort her with that when she gets worried. 

So, there's been a ton of stuff I could write about. It got bad enough about a month ago that my 16yr old came to me to let me know he would be fine if we moved, not to worry about him, he would be fine, just do whatever I needed for his sister. Which is heartbreaking. I love my wife but this is impossible. I get maybe 2 or 3 days of peace before something happens and she is mad for 3 or 4 days. Over and over again.


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## Rob_1

SDAH said:


> I'm going to look at a rental tomorrow.


The thing for you is to do it. Get out.
If the situation continues with threats only, from you and her, she will get used to nothing being done.
You must follow through with your decision, regardless of her economics, that's on her. She cannot try to push it on you.

In the end you'll lose a wife but gain harmony in your life.


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## northernlights

I have all the sympathy in the world for how difficult it is to be a step mom, but this is crazy. A seven year old who calls down for reassurance at night is zero of a big deal! My daughters both were reassured by hearing me moving about downstairs while they were falling asleep, so if this were the only issue, I'd say to just occasionally clear your throat or make some slight noise so she knows you're there. But you can do that when it's just you guys in your own place. ❤❤


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