# Divorce Observation #3, living in Upson Downs



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Yeah, thats right, Upson Downs. Thats the mythical village where no-one knows what emotion will be coming up next. I seem to be the mayor there. One moment I am doing just fine, almost excited at the prospect of getting out of this personal hell that I am living lately. The next, I am going nuts thinking about my ex with another person. The next I am angry at her for what she has done to betray me and marriage in general, then I am back excited again, ready to get out. Keep in mind, this all happened in about 10 minutes. 

It is not just me that is going through this, as I can see it in W too. She has not had a smile on her face in weeks, at least at home. She is not eating right. She has said that most people are indifferent to her and some seem just against the situation. She feels an outcast at church. She does not really want to deal with me much, other than when I need to do something for her. Then she is all nicey nicey and actually talks politely. I wonder if she really thinks I don't notice. I mean, I am not stupid... She snips about pretty much anything. Stupid stuff like the fact that I almost went to the grocery store without checking for coupons. Or that I did not cook this weekend when she was not home. Originally she was not going to come home till Labor day, then she came home on Sunday. Yes, there were things I did not get to yet, but hey I thought I had another day. I thought this pettyness would go away as we matured... 

The mood things go like crazy all day. Starts out when I wake up, probably about 4:30 to 5:30. The monkeys get up starting at 6:30, so this gives me a chance to think about the mess my life is for about an hour. Time to think and time to drink a pot of coffee. Its the only way I can make it through the day. I toss around what I have done, what W has done, how things deteriorated. One day I think I was the major culprit, and feel bad. Another day I think she caused this mess, and I get pissed. The next it seems that we just never clicked... Ever. Through no fault of our own, this deteriorated. Hhhmmm.. Which is it? We will never know, as it is, in reality, some blending of it all.

Up and down this goes. Sometimes it is triggered by things we say. Maybe we get angry at each other because we can't do something we want, as the other person is busy at someting they want. Sometimes resentment because she has someone close to share the experience of divorce with. Sometimes resentment because I have decided to take a practical approach and not worry about her and what happens makes me seem cold and indiferent. I have my own issues to deal with in this matter.

Its tough, as right now we are both still living in the same house, mostly for financial reasons, but also because of it being easier on the kids. It is not easy on the two of us though. This may not last long, as we seem to be losing our ability to manage our feelings against each other. As this goes down, it won't be easier on the kids, it will be harder. We have had our share of tough times that led us to this point, and it is only getting worse. Neither of us want to be around each other.

Short of the arguments, I can't imagine not having the 4 of us together. It just seems so foreign. Earlier this year, as the auto industry was in the tank, I got offered a new position were I will be traveling. Initially this seemed devastating, but I thought that it would be OK, as W was still here and would be able to take care of things while I was away. I have never been away from the kids for more than a weekend in 7 years. Now, with this travel, I will be away for 2 weeks at a time, home for a week, then back out again. Not only that, but when I am back in town, I have to be at work, so my time with the kids will be weekends and evenings when in town. For the past 7 years, I have done everything for them, been everywhere with them, shared every experience they had. Now, I'll get digital pictures sent to me. I won't be able to make them their breakfasts or pack their lunches. I won't be the one taking them to the bus stop. Sometimes I just can't get my head around the change that this brings. My relationship with those two girls is a major down, to say the least.

Now, I know, there are people who go through this every day. We will too. That does not make it any easier for a VERY involved dad to accept that he will no longer be a large part of his daughters daily lives. I am divorcing my wife, but I am not divorcing my responsiblity to be a father to my girls. I fully accepted that when they were born and will not give it up. Will I still be involved - YES. Will I make lots of phone calls - YES. Will I help in any way I can - Most certainly. Will I take advantage of every chance I get to exert my fatherly influence, You Betcha! That is one of the ups.

The down will be every time I have to walk away.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I didn't want my situation at all (my H. left me) and do not feel in anyway responsible but I do remember getting those mad mood swings - I think it's delirium. I don't know how long your situation has been going on for but eventually they died down into a much duller everyday grind. someone said it's not a sprint - it's a marathon - and that's what it feels like now 

I don't know how parting with the kids will ever feel any easier - this is one part of the whole separtion thing (especially when you feel that you are not repsonsible and don't want it) that feels so very unfair - I 'share' repsonsibility with my separated H. at a 50/50 split which is the kind of default arrangement ( I am in Australia) . But you're right parenting is about the little things - making lunches being there when they wake up each day, also for me it is like a physical pain when I don't see them - I always used to think this even before all this happened - I always used to pick then up from school and instantly feel grounded....


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

hanks for the comments. It helps to know that we are all going through the same thing, that its ok. We have had a tough time for many years, but the divorce was filed on the 11th of August, the day after our 4yr olds birthday.

Yeah, the kids are going to be the toughest. Like I said, I have been there for EVERYTHING. I have been a stay at home dad, in the mornings, basically. W used that time I was home (I worked in the afternoons) to do her thing and get away. I encouraged that as I knew she was stressed over things. Although I would get frustrated at times, I did enjoy the times I spent with the children. Often, as things were getting rockier at home, I would get yelled at because I would spend time playing dolls, reading, dancing, or talking on the swingset with the children, rather than mowing the lawn or cleaning the bathroom. My 4 yr old or 7 yr old never asked me why the house was a mess, the floor needed vacuuming, or told me the toilet needed cleaning. They asked me to read to them, to explain how the flowers grew, or to help them do a cartwheel. I have ALWAYS felt that they were more important than the other stuff. That can be done anytime. Even in 15 more years. I get only one chance to have my toddler on my lap wanting me to read to them.


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