# Cant wait to get away....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I am about at my wits end. Living a daily nightmare of "house" with the woman I am soon to divorce, have received the sample decree, and must somehow "work out" an amicable solution in regards to well, I guess "paying her" is about all it boils down to anymore.. Smile for the sake of the kiddo. Smile and play along.
Why does it feel like I am cursed? I guess right now its hard to see it as a door opening, instead of a door closed. I now fully understand some of the news stories I see on a nightly basis. It gives me a new perspective.

Daddy, do you still love mommy? The question caught me off guard and I just answered "yes".
Why dont you ever kiss her anymore?
I had no answer for my daughter.
Stupidly, I responded, that "I dont know" and sort of just stared into the grass.

..and I found myself stifled. Unable to tell the truth to my nine year old. How within my own head, I have had six months of the daily poison churnings of the thoughts of why, how, how could she... the actions of my cheating, lying, infidel of a wife...
To attempt to explain would uncover pains I have freshly planted under the soil, simply to survive my own self.
The completely blindsided "surprise" I found when her cell phone lit up that night so long ago, confirming what I did not want confirmed, and exposing the chain of the ongoing love affair my wife had with a man from over 25 years ago. Thank you Facebook, thank you soap operas, thank all you various forms of media and b.s. books from so called "authors" that promote and support the death of families. Funny how immediately the only thing my wife could say after showing her the phone with the string of messages was "HOW DID YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD, I HAD IT LOCKED""...
How utterly and completely devoid of humanity. 


I dont think I could stay within the posting guidelines of length of content, to fully explain how deeply betrayed emotionally, financially, personally I am. And thats just me, not yet scratching the surface of what reality my kid is soon to face.. When it comes to what I know my daughter has come to know in life, her entire huge life, a family, a "unit", a safe-haven, a place to run to, a Mom and a DAD both there for all the days of her life, watching her grow, celebrating the birthdays, how do you explain the pending absence from it? How will I ever escape the feeling that I am abandoning, when I am SHOVED out of my own life by my cheating self-centered -and somehow in her eyes blame free- wife??
I get to rely on the fact that one day when my daugher is older that I may be able to explain in a way she will understand? Will that absolve the built up pain she experiences from now until then?

I hate my wife for this. I hate her with a passion Ive never felt so deeply for this. I know it isnt right, and I know God would have me love her even in her blindness, but how could she do this to me, to our daughter. I hate the other man too. Sorry to admit it, but right now, I hate the both of them and dont have a lot of "internal personal power" to express love for their souls.
And let me now consider, paying you money on a monthly basis because of the situation you have caused. Let me wipe away the imaginings of their secret encounters, the text messages, the daily "friendly" postings... 

And to think,, all it took was the invitation of an exboyfriend from 20 some years ago, that she has no "real" idea about to turn me into a demon in her eyes, to suddenly rewrite the entire history of our life together, to devestate everything we have built together and turn it into a foul and regretful thing in her eyes. From a month earlier, posting on Facebook how I was her soulmate and true love for life, to now, a thing that never was.

This shouldnt happen to anyone. There should be some legal recourse for someone having their life and marriage and family utterly destroyed. It truly is like someone stealing something from you. Something much more important and valuable than a materialistic "item". Something to which there is no value that can be placed on it in terms of monetary wealth. They took my heart. They took the security and safety and home away from my child too. 

It is taking everything I have as a human being, to maintain any sense of dignity and personal value through this. To see the hundreds of extra miles I have gone to support my wife in the ways shes failed us,truly beyond the requirements of normal support and upholding her, even before all of this, the mountain of debt, the severe lack of emotional "presence" around our child and between us. Sitting there on her facebook, switching between her cellphone text messaging and facebook games, completely oblivious to her own actions. 

I guess at some point I am glad she is so oblivious. For someone to realize about themselves the level of destruction they have caused their loved ones, and children, I dont know if they could truly handle it. Something would have to switch off inside of them to not hurt themselves.
Its not empowerment, or personal strength that allows you to sit there after youve destroyed it all, its f-ing psychosis. Something within you that is missing, perhaps your very soul.
Maybe thats why you dont feel. Devoid of humanity, Devoid of a soul.

I cant wait to get away from this sickness of a person. I cant wait, and only despair greatly at having to share my child with her under the pretense of there being no legal validity to a cheating ho-bag and her actions against her own flesh and blood.

Today the best friend of my wife, the lifelong friend that introduced us and stood in our wedding as a maid of honor, posted on facebook saying "Besides the drama that it has caused some people... I am really glad for facebook and the ability to reconnect with so many old friends and make new ones" 

So my entire existence for the past ten years being torn away so maliciously, so contrived and secretly, so painfully, is reduced to the term "drama". 

I cant wait to get away. I just want to start my life again, seeing my kid as often as I can, and getting away from all these hurtful people. I dont really think at this point that I will ever be able to trust another person, consider that a "scar" that I will be stuck with. I really hope that I can, but I dont ever see this "event" being something I can ever completely forget. I wish the courts would acknowledge the desperation and devastation this causes people. It feels like my wife has murdered a part of me, it feels like she secretly met behind closed doors with someone to purposely conspire to.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

In house separation has got to be hell. My best friend just went through that.

I share your frustration. What the frack is it about all these people that reconnect with former lovers from years and years ago and throwing away years of marriage for people that they loved years ago? This crap is becoming an epidemic. Before, the majority of infidelity occurs between coworkers and acquaintances. Now reconnecting with former lovers, with the advent of social networking sites, is growing daily.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> What the frack is it about all these people that reconnect with former lovers from years and years ago and throwing away years of marriage for people that they loved years ago?


It seems it's mostly reconnecting with former/old high school lovers on... Facebook!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It seems it's mostly reconnecting with former/old high school lovers on... Facebook!


:iagree:

Yeah, tell me about it. Not that I blame facebook, because many millions of people are on facebook and don't reconnect and have affairs with past lovers. But its starting to reach epidemic proportions alright.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Could not have expressed it any better Shooboomafoo... Living with the torment of Loving and Hating someone so much at the same time is a level of hell I've never experienced... till now... And its nearly impossible to make the thoughts go away. to sleep. to eat. to work. My 3 year old daughter is the only thing that has kept me alive. Every now and then she reaches up for me to bend down like she has something to say. then she gently kisses me on the cheek... SHE is the woman worth living for. She will never betray me like this, and will always think I'm a superhero.

I am so sorry you have to face this. "For when we are weak, then we are strong." I beleive strength will come for you and I as a result of this. Might take awhile though.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am so sorry to read your thread. So many of us are on the same journey you have just found yourself on. Please, if you haven't yet, start reading the suggestions of books people have posted. As you search on this site, many of the post you will read, will make you think you wrote them yourself. The actions and behavior of the WS creates a nightmare on elm street.

~sammy


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm sorry Shoo  I know it was hell for me when I still had to live with my now exH. His affair had been exposed but he continued on with it right in front of me with no regards to my feelings at all. He would come home after work, take a shower, dress up and then leave to go be with her. Hell, there were even a few times where she picked him up right at our house! It was torment having to watch him run off to be with her, it was torment knowing where he was and it was torment when he came back knowing where he was coming back from. But when he did finally move out, so much weight was lifted from my shoulders. I no longer had to watch him carry on his affair right in front of me. It's been 2 and half months since DDay now and one week since our divorce finalized. I'm much happier.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Shaboomafoo - that was at the same time one of the most beautiful and most painful passages I have ever read. These are the feelings that inspire songs, art, movies. I really feel for you man. Just so awful. 

I know this isn't the right approach in general, but for you, it just might help you heal faster, for two reasons. If I were in your shoes, I would find a rebound no-strings casual girlfriend ASAP. It would accomplish two things. First, it would show your heartless wife that you are a worthwhile human being that deserves companionship. And second, it would feel amazing for your self esteem, to know you were able to attract another woman, even in a casual relationship sort of way. I don't recommend sleeping with someone, just a casual relationship. Let your wayward wife's imagination do the rest. And you get a friend out of it too, as long as you keep it light with her.

Might be hard to accomplish right now, but it might be the medicine you need.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Very nice piece of writing. Sorry about the content of it though. I agree its hell living under the same roof waiting for the day for it to end. I have been in this hell for a year full time and a few years part time - if that makes any sense.

Two more months for me then one of us will be out of the house. Doesn't matter anymore as long I dont have to see her face anymore. Take care my friend....

There are better days ahead. That is the reality.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Shaboomafoo - that was at the same time one of the most beautiful and most painful passages I have ever read. These are the feelings that inspire songs, art, movies. I really feel for you man. Just so awful.
> .


Your a fabulous writer! It is agony, pure agony.
A full three months since my wife left, she rang me and abused me today for everything that was wrong with our marriage. She is moving towards me. But I am no longer there. 

It is a scar, but now when you look at people, you will see them differently. You will see the scars when you connect and that connection will be conditional. It will be careful and it will be beautiful.

Let love find you. Don't close your heart.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

RWB - so sorry about your post there. Brutal. I will say this about Facebook. If someone's marriage ended or got in trouble because of a reconnection on Facebook, it wasn't Facebook that caused the problem. Facebook just made it easier for a DS to act. The problems were already there.


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## justkate (May 31, 2011)

Shoo, i completely understand how you are feeling, i feel the same way and can not fathom how my stbxh could have done what he's done and still feel that he has not done anything wrong.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Shooboom,

I hear ya. Well written pain load. 

You nailed the nuclear bomb your wife has unloaded on you.

Hope you find your peace. You deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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