# We've just not been connecting well lately...



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For the past 2 months it seems like my wife and I have not been syncing up well from an intimacy standpoint lately. Our sex life hasn't change from a frequency standpoint because we both feel that intimacy is important to our marriage. But it looks like life has been "conspiring" against us that we haven't been having the good quality sexual moments lately. We've had them, but lately few and far between. Between both of us getting sick at different times, kids getting sick, travel, things that needed to be attended to with the house, interrupting kids at the worst possible times, etc... and it's almost seemed like a comedy of errors for us lately. Anyone else experience the doldrums with your sex life lately or in your past? Not saying what we're going thru is earth shattering stuff, but I'd be interested in any tips and tricks to try to snap us out of this little funk. 

So far the only sure thing I know is to wait it out and keep trying to connect, spend quality time together on dates and enjoy the little things together like sharing laughs, working together to get things done around the house, watch movies/shows, etc. Also, nooners would probably help too. 

So, tips to break the cycle?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hotel night!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I agree with Anon Pink, When life gets overwhelming I find a nice little bed and breakfast and get away for a night or two. Does wonders for your sex life to get away


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Lock the door, unplug the phone, turn the tv , comp and cell phone off.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

After the kids are asleep, take a warm bath together and slowly soap each other up.

Discuss fantasies and try role playing.

Create a "sexual desires" box where each of you writes on a slip of paper what you would like your spouse to do. Take turns drawing from the box.

If you can send the kids to Grandma's or have them sleep over at their friends' homes (reciprocate when you can), try sex on the floor, in front of the fireplace, or in different rooms of the house. 

Both of you call in sick on the same day, feed each other chocolate covered strawberries, drink champagne, and enjoy having your house to yourselves for the morning.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the tips. I like the idea of calling in sick to have the place to ourselves while the kids are at school. With my luck though, We'd probably get a call to come pick up one of the kids due to a fever... :rofl:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

We may have found the smoking gun for what's put us in a funk, but I'm not sure what to do about it. My wife is prone to ear infections, so whenever the weather changes she gets more prone to colds and ends up on decongestants. The side effect that is hurting her is that it's making her dry. We use lubricant but it doesn't seem to be enough. The dryness seems to make her uncomfortable which leads to a daisy chain of anxieties on her part including a fear of it hurting. 

Don't know how to make this better at the moment aside from her getting off the decongestants.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Try different lubricants. Silicone based are usually recommended for women with lubrication difficulties. I have MANY bottle of lubricants I can't use, KY, astroglide, sesame oil, because they irritate. Just got a new one with no paraffin and that one didn't irritate. Just have to keep trying different brands.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think all couples find themselves struggling to stay connected occasionally. You seem to have the right attitude about it--recognize it as a normal part of long term relationships, but don't just let it go until it becomes a pattern. Fill in with stop gap measures (up the "drive by" hugs and kisses and touches, reserve any unexpected free moments for yourselves, grab a night away if it's doable.) Keep intimacy as a high priority, and you'll get the groove back. 

It is important not to slide into bad habits when the going gets tough. If one or the other of you is too sick or under the weather for sex, use the opportunity to focus on extra comfort for that person. For example, pamper your wife a little more than usual with little things like offering to bring her tea, or take a chore off her hands, or send her out for an hour or two alone at her favorite coffee shop, etc. She could do the same for you. It's okay to let the sex slide a little bit as long as you're focusing on one other in other ways. 

Sometimes my husband and I will take a half day on Saturday or Sunday and hole up in our bedroom. We give the kids instructions ahead of time that we don't want to be disturbed, and make sure that they have every thing they need readily accessible--mainly food, LOL! We'll sometimes give them a movie to watch, or we'll bribe the older two to entertain the six year old. We tell them not to knock on our door unless the house is on fire. Whatever it takes!

As for lube . . . we switched to coconut oil and will never look back. Bonus: My skin has never looked better!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This is my 'go to' list when i feel like this...

The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Psychology Today

Full of bonding behaviors, some are sexual, some aren't.

I agree it's a natural occurrence in a LT relationship but it does pay to take note and bridge any gaps you sense. 

Anyway... if you didn't have the 'off ' times how would you ever know when things were great! You'd have no comparison.

It's the yin/yang of life.

Have fun reconnecting


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Now I stepped in it. But you know what, I don't care. I'm sick of sex talk being this taboo thing with my wife. I've been getting more and more frustrated lately and it's more than just the dryness and the other interruptions lately. I'm beginning to think that my wife is "selfish" when it comes to intimacy. I don't know how to process this, because it's something I've recently started considering. She's not into non-sexual intimacy by nature. I can't cuddle with her in bed or it won't last more than 30 seconds before I have to move away from her. I tried to hug her today and she wouldn't let me. She's not into physical touch in general it seems. Also, I have this mindset in the bedroom that I want to do things to please her. I don't think she has that same mindset.

Maybe it's just me and I'm letting my frustrations carry me away. But I got to think this through more. This may be a little more serious than I thought.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So after our fight that I alluded to in my last post, my wife made us talk it out. We talked about how we hurt each other yesterday regarding this funk we've been in. I know that we have different love languages. I never read the book nor took the quiz, but I know my wife shows her love for me primarily by doing things for me. My way of showing love is through physical touch and intimacy.

So naturally, our argument devolved into me accusing her of being cold, distant and walled off while she thought of me as uncaring by not doing more for her. We both hurt each other. She was hurt enough that she threw away the cookies that she made specially for me (my favorites btw). Silly, stupid me. Sometimes we let our emotions carry us away and don't use our brains to know what's up. Her coldness had nothing to do with me and everything to do with pain from going to the Dr's and her dryness issue (hopefully not a yeast infection) due to her decongestants.

We reconnected spectacularly last night. We did more oral which was wonderful (and I've been wanting more of too) and finished up. No PIV sex since we're trying to let her heal. So things are back to where they should be, and it feels like we are reconnected again. I just wish that I would have handled things better and with more tact. But it all turned out well.

Now my wife and I have been happy and joking around like we normally do. She's been ribbing me about my missing cookies. She told me she would bake a new batch. 

I love my wife!!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds like you and your wife really need to read that book together! And it sounds like you already know this.

If her LL is act of service, she's doing little things for you to show her love...BUT at the same time she's expecting YOU to do little things for her to show HER your love. You travel for work so you are not available to to do those little things for her as regularly as she likes it. So she withdraws feeling unloved.

Meanwhile your LL is touch and intimacy. You've been gone and when you get back expect some love and some touch. When she doesn't respond YOU feel unloved so your enthusiasm to do little things for her, now that you're home and available, is even more limited.

Just read the damn book!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> It sounds like you and your wife really need to read that book together! And it sounds like you already know this.
> 
> If her LL is act of service, she's doing little things for you to show her love...BUT at the same time she's expecting YOU to do little things for her to show HER your love. You travel for work so you are not available to to do those little things for her as regularly as she likes it. So she withdraws feeling unloved.
> 
> ...


You know guys don't like to ask for directions... I should buy the book and read it. Although I think I have the gist of it, obtaining more knowledge can surely help.

Seriously though I think I have a certain amount of disdain for the so called self help books. I can't see myself ever buying MMSLP or NMMNG since the things in there are based on common sense things that we should all know. But maybe not all of these books are this obvious though. Sometimes I can be a little stubborn. Just ask my wife. :rofl:


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Plan 9, you said it yourself: knowledge is good. You don't have to be disdainful. Treat the books like a buffet: take what works and leave the rest. I agree that self-help books aren't a cure-all. Better to have the knowledge & tools and not need them than the other way around. Forewarned is forearmed.

Glad things going better this morning for y'all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> we switched to coconut oil and will never look back. Bonus: My skin has never looked better!


I second this! Won't solve the intimacy piece, but it's a miracle cure for dryness and pain. Way better than any other lube, IMHO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I second this! Won't solve the intimacy piece, but it's a miracle cure for dryness and pain. Way better than any other lube, IMHO.


Regular coconut oil, like the kind you get at the grocery store? I thought anything with sugar or fructose was a BIG no no for the healthy bacterial balance in the vagina...:scratchhead:


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Regular coconut oil, like the kind you get at the grocery store? I thought anything with sugar or fructose was a BIG no no for the healthy bacterial balance in the vagina...:scratchhead:


There should be no other ingredient except coconut oil. Preferably mechanically pressed, organic virgin coconut oil. You should be able to get it at the grocery store. Right now I have Spectrum brand. I cook with it, use it to make body scrub, treat my hair with it, flavor blow jobs with it . . . yeah, it's a versatile product!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've heard good things about coconut oil before. Is it safe on sheets?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I've heard good things about coconut oil before. Is it safe on sheets?


I haven't noticed that it stains sheets, but I'd recommend a spot test before you go whole hog. I HAVE noticed some spots on the carpet, though, that I suspect might be from coconut oil I need to investigate . . .


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> There should be no other ingredient except coconut oil. Preferably mechanically pressed, organic virgin coconut oil. You should be able to get it at the grocery store. Right now I have Spectrum brand. I cook with it, use it to make body scrub, treat my hair with it, flavor blow jobs with it . . . yeah, it's a versatile product!


Recipe for the body scrub?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Last Long Lifelong said:


> The busier and more hectic life gets, the more we are going to experience periods like this, unless we *protect the spark*.
> 
> When I say protect, I mean hold sacred a time of the week, your date night, or whatever is between you two that is uniquely yours as a couple. Make it a non-negotiable
> 
> What my woman and I do is we *protect Sunday night*. No matter how busy either of us appears to be, no matter what latest mini-crisis (or text message, or email, or social network) is screaming for our attention, once 6pm Sunday rolls around, we set aside everything else. And for the rest of the evening, it's just about us, and, well, you can imagine the rest.


:iagree:

We do this, too. You have to really commit to that time being inviolate, though. Otherwise a million things will start to creep in!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Recipe for the body scrub?


Nothing fancy--I take a short wide mouth jar and put about 1/4 cup of coconut oil in it (warm it a bit if the oil is solid.) Then when the oil is cool I stir in enough organic cane sugar to make a thick scrub, add a few drops of vanilla and voila! The oil will solidify depending on the room temp, but no worries if it does. Just scoop some out while you're in the shower and rub in all over--the oil will melt in the heat of your hands and the steam from the shower. 

You can find plenty more recipes for sugar and sea salt scrubs online!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Awesome thank you!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hey OP, make your wife a nice coconut body scrub--the little "act of service" would speak HER love language and give YOU an excuse to stash a little jar of coconut oil in the bedside stand.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to write a book!

GettingIt's Guide to Gettin It!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

LOL, appears we found the problem for the vaginal dryness. Yeast infection. We haven't had PIV for about a week while she's been taking her treatment. 

On the intimacy front it appears we are doing a good bit better. I think we reconnected well. LOL yesterday she asked me why have I been so happy lately? I told her exactly why, that she's no longer pulling away from me and I've been really enjoying the kissing, hugging and touching that we are doing for each other. Plus we've been doing better lately sexually even though PIV has been off the table for a short while. 

I guess it does come down to communication to try to stop things in their tracks - even if it causes hurt feelings.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

We had a pretty intense nooner today. I'm happy! Wife seems happy too! I guess the cream did the trick. Although she wasn't hot to trot right off the bat, once I had her naked and teasing at the entrance, she got really amped up. I guess she missed it a lot more than she realized... 

Still used plenty of lube since i think it will take a little while for the dryness to go away.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Instead of starting a new thread, I'll continue with this one. Dryness has still been an ongoing problem for her. She has an appointment to see the gyno in 2 weeks. After we had a couple of good sexual encounters, it went downhill afterwards. She's been fighting the dryness and it seems like a yeast infection wasn't the issue afterall. We suspect it may either be an issue with her thyroid medicine and having to get that dialed back in, that the BC pills are causing the dryness and she needs a different brand or maybe at 40 years old she's just starting down the menopause track and the dryness is going to be a fact of life. One way or another, we hope to find the answer to the issue.

In the meantime, we did change lubricants and tried out astroglide last night. It definitely felt better than the KY lube and I think we may have found a good stop gap to help with the dryness while we wait it out for the appointment. Anyways I'll be reviewing some of the lube ideas you guys have suggested here and in other threads - especially if it looks like the astroglide does not work out longer term. LOL, the wife loved the phrase on the bottle "Bedroom tested, Dr. approved".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Shortly after I posted about coconut oil I used for the first time. I am a total convert and would recommend strongly that you buy a bottle of the stuff. In small amounts it's a moisturizer, in larger amounts...it's lovely!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You need to write a book!
> 
> GettingIt's Guide to Gettin It!


:lol:


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

OP, when she sees her OB, have her ask to get her hormone levels checked, Estrogen, Progesterone, Testosterone and Pregnenelone .. she needs to know all these, and from what you are saying about the dryness, she may just be low on hormones, especially if she is going into peri-menopause. It could be as simple as some bio-identical creams to optimize her levels and help with more than just the dryness.

If her hormones are not optimal, it can then affect her thyroid, it's a vicious circle.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Guys and Gals we have found the problem. It was her thyroid. She tested out high on her results, which means she went hypo. This is the smoking gun that caused her libido and lubrication to drop. We've been struggling with this since July, and while we've had several sessions of good to great sex during that time, we were not getting that same connection we used to. It's now back. Her libido is returning and her natural lube is coming back. This past 2 weeks have been the best sex we have had in years. Astroglide helped start us off and the synthroid corrected her hormone levels, which in turn helped her sex hormones.

"Happy Days are Here Again!" (Ben Selvin and the Crooners, 1930) - YouTube


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Good for you guys. Now keep banging her good and hard brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Our sex life has been solid lately, but for the past 2 months it looks like my wife is back to having mild hypothyroidism again. Her libido is largely good, but the dryness came back, though not as bad as the middle of last year. Aside from the dryness, her nails changed and that is what clued her in on the hypo condition. She's getting tested in a week or 2.

Either 1) her thyroid is even less active and she needs a higher dose or 2) she needs to switch from generic to the real Synthroid. 

Word of advice to those with unsatisfying sex lives - look at the thyroid for a possible cause of the issues. Besides estrogen/testosterone, it's a significant factor when it comes to libido and lubrication.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

To each kid individually, and then all the kids together.

When Mommy and Daddy are in the bedroom and the door is CLOSED, you may knock if it is an emergency. If it's NOT an emergency, don't knock. 

If you are out of the house and call us, if you don't get our cell phones, just text a message of what you want/need. If you have an emergency need to reach us - text us '911', and we will respond ASAP. 

Parents have a RIGHT to privacy. And kids will respect your privacy if you a firm about it. 






Plan 9 from OS said:


> For the past 2 months it seems like my wife and I have not been syncing up well from an intimacy standpoint lately. Our sex life hasn't change from a frequency standpoint because we both feel that intimacy is important to our marriage. But it looks like life has been "conspiring" against us that we haven't been having the good quality sexual moments lately. We've had them, but lately few and far between. Between both of us getting sick at different times, kids getting sick, travel, things that needed to be attended to with the house, interrupting kids at the worst possible times, etc... and it's almost seemed like a comedy of errors for us lately. Anyone else experience the doldrums with your sex life lately or in your past? Not saying what we're going thru is earth shattering stuff, but I'd be interested in any tips and tricks to try to snap us out of this little funk.
> 
> So far the only sure thing I know is to wait it out and keep trying to connect, spend quality time together on dates and enjoy the little things together like sharing laughs, working together to get things done around the house, watch movies/shows, etc. Also, nooners would probably help too.
> 
> So, tips to break the cycle?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Our sex life has been solid lately, but for the past 2 months it looks like my wife is back to having mild hypothyroidism again. Her libido is largely good, but the dryness came back, though not as bad as the middle of last year. Aside from the dryness, her nails changed and that is what clued her in on the hypo condition. She's getting tested in a week or 2.
> 
> Either 1) her thyroid is even less active and she needs a higher dose or 2) she needs to switch from generic to the real Synthroid.
> 
> Word of advice to those with unsatisfying sex lives - look at the thyroid for a possible cause of the issues. Besides estrogen/testosterone, it's a significant factor when it comes to libido and lubrication.


Dr. confirmed today that her hypothyroid is back, though not by a lot. Enough to affect lubrication and make her more sensitive. Although I can't complain about our sex life this year, it will be nice to see her more consistently higher in libido and to not have to use lube.


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