# Need Advice



## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

I met my husband of 18yrs. 19yrs. ago. When we met (he had just gotten married 2 mons. prior to meeting me)I did not know that he was already married. He didn't tell me he was married until 5 months later. I was devestated and broke it off for about a week. Then he told me his wife of 2mons. was pregnant, but not to worry because she was sickly and probably wouldnt have the baby. She did, he got divorced I married him and we have two children of our own. When her child was born she said that her son could not have any contact with me, so my family and children have no idea that my husband has this other child. My husband has been verbally and sometimes physically abusive(shoving, pushing, throwing on ground) to me over the years.He has blamed me for not being a part of his child's life and he has continued to lie to me over the years about many things.He has been vebally abusive to several friends and family members also. He convinced me to move to an isolated rural area an hour away from friends and family with the promise that his hours would change and he would be home at 3 everyday. Of course that did not happen. In fact he started sleeping at his Mom's house 2 nights a week so he could work overtime. Recently he planned a trip for ten days(2nd trip for himself in 3 yrs) and paid for it(we are in debt) without telling me. I found out from a stranger prior to him going. His famous line "I was gonna tell you or I didn't lie just didnt tell you" was used again.I told him if he went that was it, this was the final straw. When he got back from trip I asked him to leave and went to a lawyer. During this time he made contact with his other child. Now he thinks that my children should be told about this, in fact he was going to tell them Christmas Day, which I felt was totally inappropriate. We are not divorced yet, and my children have been very upset by all that has gone on.His family has done and said some not so nice things, and he has acted somewhat cold to the kids(sometimes not talking to them for over a week and then texting them rather than talking to them). I think that he should wait until things settle down for my children before he tells them. He thinks they should be told now, and that they will love finding out that they have an older sibling(they are 16&13).I asked him how his other child and the child's mom feel about all this and he doesn't even know. I think he should find out first before dropping another bomb on my children. I am heartbroken.I don't understand why he would feel the urgency to do this know. And after all this I sometimes don't want to go through with the divorce.Any advice on how to handle this mess?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I doubt whatever he does he is not doing it in the best interest of the children. He is using this to hurt you. If he has not had contact with his first child until now and doesn’t talk to your children for long periods he obviously doesn’t have quality father characteristics. You are right, the kids should be shielded from this for now until the divorce is settled and they have a chance to settle in. He is using his own kids as a weapon and that’s disgusting. As far as giving him another chance take a pass. You’ve endured more than you should already and he’s continuing to show his true colors. Get him out of your life as best you can and when you are ready find someone deserving of you and your kids.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

Thanks so much for responding. I did think he was doing this to hurt me, but than I thought no he wouldn't do that. He says that all of the problems in our marriage are because of this He says it is my fault because when his ex said that I couldn't have contact with her child we should have just kept it separate and he lost a son because of me. I don't even know how to begin to tell my children about all of this.




Amplexor said:


> I doubt whatever he does he is not doing it in the best interest of the children. He is using this to hurt you. If he has not had contact with his first child until now and doesn’t talk to your children for long periods he obviously doesn’t have quality father characteristics. You are right, the kids should be shielded from this for now until the divorce is settled and they have a chance to settle in. He is using his own kids as a weapon and that’s disgusting. As far as giving him another chance take a pass. You’ve endured more than you should already and he’s continuing to show his true colors. Get him out of your life as best you can and when you are ready find someone deserving of you and your kids.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well his logic is pretty warped. Sorry I’ll be blunt, he engaged in a relationship outside his marriage with you then left the mother of his child. While I never condone an affair it was his decision to leave the marriage and his responsibilities.. He is faulting you for something he put in motion. Since I believe he is doing this out of spite and if it is inevitable that he will want them to know then it might be best if you tell them. Then you will know it was done in the best possible manner with their best interests in mind. Not vengeance. As to how you do that, I cannot venture a guess. Good luck.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

Sometimes I feel it is my fault because I should have left when he finally told me that he was married, but I was already in love with him and I was naive and stupid. He had a story about how he never loved this other person, and how he told her this but he married her because she asked him to just try it. I believed everything he said. I am so physically sick over this whole situation. I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it. Not good! I did tell him that I was going to tell the children after I talked to a counselor ,about the best way to handle the whole situation. He told me that it was not mine to tell! I don't think that my children are ever going to trust me again, I don't blame them. He doesn't think what he did back then was so bad because he told me before we got married so it wasn't a big lie. According to him the lies about money and where he is and the trips weren't lies he just didn't tell me. He's made me second guess myself on everything. The times he's hit me he makes me second guess myself because I hit him too which I have done to defend myself. Sometimes I find it laughable cause he is 6'4 250 weightlifter and martial artist and I'm5'5 and 130, but then I second guess that too. Sad part is I can't say that I don't love this person but I know I need to get myself and my children out of this bad situation. He tells me they are ruined already because of our dysfunctiional relationship.He has left me at times with $250 for weeks and I have the house,kids and pets to care for, and I don't have a job because he didn't want me to work. I just feel so messed up and too embarassed to talk to friends and family about all of this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ginacar said:


> I did tell him that I was going to tell the children after I talked to a counselor ,about the best way to handle the whole situation. He told me that it was not mine to tell! I don't think that my children are ever going to trust me again, I don't blame them.


1. Good for you for getting in touch with a counselor to address the best way to tell the kids.
2. Of course you have a right to tell the children. You are their mother.
3. Kids are very resilient and will trust you. That is the least of your worries here.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. It helped reinforce what I already believed to be true. I don't know what my problem is. I just seem stuck even though I do think I should get out of this relationship for my children and myself, and I did get a lawyer I have not moved foward. The other day he flipped me to the ground in the midst of an arguement and my children saw this, I swore I was going to call my lawyer(my lawyer sent 2 letters to him and received no response and he did not get a lawyer) to proceed with the next step but I still have not done so. What is my problem?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ginacar said:


> The other day he flipped me to the ground in the midst of an arguement and my children saw this, I swore I was going to call my lawyer(my lawyer sent 2 letters to him and received no response and he did not get a lawyer) to proceed with the next step but I still have not done so. What is my problem?


Skip the lawyer and call the police before you or your children are hurt. This is spiralling out of control.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

He is the police!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ginacar said:


> He is the police!


Even more reason. In our city any officer involved in domestic violence is immediately put on leave and their service weapon confiscated.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Even more reason. In our city any officer involved in domestic violence is immediately put on leave and their service weapon confiscated.


If that were to happen, then we would really be without money. Also would they arrest him for throwing me on the ground is that considered domestic violence?


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Ginacar, he of all people should know better! Call the law and get him away fom you and the kids NOW! Do not hesitate, you or your kids are going to get hurt if this continues.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

ginacar... I feel for you, truly I do. I know how you feel, because my firt marriage was with a physically abusive man. He was very irresponsible, and any time I tried to assert myself, or my opinion on anything, he's rage out of control, hit me, kick me, push me, he even tried to choke me once. He'd tell me I was his wife and that I had no rights to say anything because I'm the woman. Needless to say, I eventually dumped him. You just can't be with someone who does that kind of thing.... If he is doing this to you, much less in front of your kids.... you need to just get up the gumption, and follow through, and leave him....

He should have thought about pushing his wife around, if he didn't want it to ruin his career. He should for sure know better. He should be ashamed for beating up on a woman. Any man who does so, is a coward, plain and simple. There is never an excuse, a reason, or a way to justify it. It's just plain cowardly. 

I know it's hard to walk away, because you always find yourself second guessing yourself, or wondering what it will do to the kids. But, think what they are witnessing , between the two of you.

They won't hate you for keeping this other child a secret, it was what you thought was right for them, at the time. Just explain that to them, that you were trying to do the right thing. And explain to them, that you will no longer tolerate your abusive husbands ways, and that you're leaving. This is what is best for them. Because unless he can get help, and never touch you again like that, it's pointless to continue on. It will only result in more pain down the road. Find your strength, it's in there..... 

God bless you. I'll think of you.


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## ginacar (Feb 24, 2009)

Thanks so much for all the advice. I hope I can find the strength to follow through with this. I hope you are right about my children continuing to trust me because losing their trust would hurt me so much.


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