# Update almost two years after having my world pulled from under me



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Well once upon a time nearly two years ago I maintained my sanity by coming onto TAM especially CWI to commiserate, find solutions, to understand what was happening.

The folks here have probably changed but maybe someone remembers my story. I was 100% in love with my husband of 3 years (now nearing 5 years) and I had zero interest in other men. I found out suddenly that my kind and loving husband was compulsively seeking outside of marriage - phone calls to prostitutes, endlessly searching craigslist and back pages, inviting random chicks out for hookah dates. Never found proof that it went physical and he maintained that he never actually ****ed another woman. But he continued to lie gaslight make me seem crazy paranoid only to accidentally leave trails behind confirming my suspicions that he was still looking beyond our marriage sexually. 

After months and months of promising to stop and then me finding him still doing that stuff I finally lost the will in our relationship and wanted a divorce. I had lost all my attraction to my husband and I just wanted freedom. Told my parents. Something clicked when I was truly done trying. He changed. But it was too little too late. Suicide attempts on his part plus financial problems prevented me from separating/divorcing. 
We continued living like roommates who got along most of the time but who grew apart sexudlly. 

At one point I had an affair and be cause of it I learned how much my sexual identity was being ignored. I stopped the affair due to guilt.

I don't know what I want from writing this. I'm sure I'll incur the wrath of others for straying and because I want to stray again. I want to have NSA adult fun while I'm still young. I'm 28. I don't believe I marriage for me anymore but I can't get out of the situation I'm in. I would not have even married do young but it was the only way we could stay together when we were living In a third country abroad .

I want him to be happy and alive and to see me as a friend for life and to not be dependent on me. I think if he could only open his eyes he would see he I'd better off.

I'm crying here can't take this unfulfillment. But can't live with the possibility that he chooses To no longer exist if I end our marriage.

He won't take care of my sexual needs, I'm not even attracted to him anymore because of the repeated trauma of his lying, secret life, and choice to start smoking. 

I have needs and want freedom but I love this man and know that my seeking elsewhere will crush him. I'm ranting I'm sorry I just feel alone and confused and don't know how I went from an ethical person doing all the right things to this mess.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're going to allow him to manipulate you with suicide threats so he can maintain appearances? His decision regarding his life is on him. 

Don't waste any more of your life on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Telling you are leaving him, be honest. The moment he mentions suicide, dial 911. You didn't take him to raise. You're not his momma.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Sounds like you will keep straying until you get caught, which in a way I think you want to get caught. That would give him the excuse to divorce you. 

Honestly, this has disaster written all over it. 


You want to punish him so bad that you feel the only way to do that is stay with him, not have sex with him, but have multiple ONS with other men. 

And you say you love him?!?!

I'm not going to sugar coat this and I know your husband did some F'ed up things but you are very selfish soon to be serial cheater. 

My advice is divorce him and get some serious counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Please just divorce.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your just putting off the inevitable, be honest with yourself, you can each like and love each other but there is no foundation for marriage, certainly not currently....no trust, no openness...given him a choice 

1. you both try to rebuild your marriage...counseling, openness, kindness
2. you both do your won thing with your marriage 
3. you divorce and leave as friends.

those are it....


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Is this who you really have become?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to stay in the marriage because you're afraid to leave even though you're miserable. 

There's no way finances are keeping you with this guy, it's a short term marriage and you did fine before you met him. 

Don't let him guilt you into staying with him. He's not your problem. Once he cheated the first time he gave up any rights that were given to him by your marriage vows. Or something like that. 

Anyway you don't owe him a freaking thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're letting him hold you hostage. Do you want to live that way for another 50 years -- or more? Plenty of people stay in bad marriages because they're too afraid to get out. Don't be one of them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You have twenty-five other threads on this exact situation.

I really think it's time you take some of the advice that's been offered and pull the plug on this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You really have no excuse for becoming a cheater. That is apparently easier than dealing with your marriage troubles.

First step is to take a really good look at what you have become and own every ugly ounce of it.

Your H is responsible for his behavior, not yours.

Stop pointing your finger at your Hs behavior and excusing your own.

Quit whining and start taking steps like a grown up.

You need counseling and to start the divorce proceedings.

Make the cut with your H quickly. Honestly, if you have enough energy to be fvcking around on him and want to continue, you have enough energy to let him know what you have become as well.

Deal with your shyt. You are not a little girl anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Totally, I remember your older posts. When I saw your name pop up yesterday, I was hoping that you were going to post that you had left that jerk behind and started a new life. I agree with Happy, you really need to start taking some advice.


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