# Pretty Sure He's Lying



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Ugh. I am beyond angry and frustrated right now. 

Things have been ok with us. We've had some good discussions lately. But difficult ones. He pretty much told me that he isn't sure he wants to stay (which up until now he's told me he's willing to try). He told me he has some things that he needs to personally work out before he can make things right with us. 

I asked him if he was being 100% honest with me. He told me yes, but then a little later in the conversation he told me that there are things he needs to say and put out on the table, but isn't ready to do it yet as he knows I don't want to hear them and he doesn't want any more "drama". So when I ask him again about the honesty thing he noted that he answered me, but then almost said the opposite. For some reason, we got talking about something else and I never really got a second answer. 

Bottom line, my gut feeling is that something is "off". Last time I had a gut feeling like this, he came home and told me he had sex with another woman. And since I don't trust him, I'm trusting my gut. 

Last night I barely slept. I've had all these things going around and around in my mind. When he asked me this morning, I told him that I had a lot on my mind and didn't sleep most of last night. When he asked me what, I told him it was about us. I was not going to bring it up until after we both got home from work today, but he pushed so I answered. I told him I thought he was still in contact with the other woman. He didn't answer. I asked him bluntly if he was. He instead said "Why don't you just tell me what you know instead of asking the question." I told him I didn't know anything, but that I have this gut feeling that something isn't right. Then he proceeded to tell me that no they weren't communicating. For that moment he was kind and comforting. He finished getting ready for work and by the time he left, he was pissed off and defensive. He left, refusing to kiss or even tell me goodbye. 

I don't think a person says "Tell me what you know . . ." if there is REALLY nothing to tell. Nor do they get all defensive, knowing there are already trust issues. In my opinion, if anything, he should have been reassuring and comforting telling me over and over that there is NOTHING and he'll show me. 

I think I'm done. We'll talk about it again later tonight I'm sure. But basically, I will tell him that I'll fight for my marriage, but not if it's an unfair fight. To him, I represent all that is wrong- our money problems, our "boring" routine lives, the ups & downs of our marriage. She represents all the past feelings that they had for each other (years ago) that were left without conclusion. She represents freedom from all this. And it's not a fight I'm willing to fight. So if he says he can't (meaning WON'T) give her up, then I'll give up. I'm done fighting for someone and something that obviously doesn't mean as much to him. 

I can't fault him for feelings he has- we all have them. But I can fault him for acting on them. I can fault him for telling me he cut things off with her and then talking to her again. I can fault him for staying in our home, saying that he's willing to work on our marriage if really all he's doing is trying not to lose the "package" (our home, business, kids, etc.), but not really trying to save our marriage. 

And when their relationship falls apart (and it will- because they have a history since high school and every time she comes back into his life, she leaves him in the dust and heartbroken when someone better comes along) I hope he realizes that everything he threw away wasn't worth it, and by then it will be too late. 

I've already told him that if this doesn't work out I don't want the house. I will legally turn it over to him- I don't want the payments, the bills or the repairs that come with it. Nor do I want to live in a place that was our dream home and that we worked so hard to get together. He can't afford to live there alone. He can't afford to not have my paycheck contributing to it and he definitely won't be able to afford it once he has to pay child support on our two kids. 

I'm just so angry. I deserve to be treated better than this.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Your gut is right in this case, he's lying. I can't say whether he's been physical with her again, but the way he responded with "tell me what you know.." he's had some sort of contact with her.

Don't just sign over the house, or you'll lose everything financial about the house.

The only way I would sign over the house is if your mortgage principle is higher than the value of the home (negative equity). If you have any equity in it at all, don't sign it over. If he can't afford to live there, then he'll have to sell it and you get half.

Matter of fact, if he stays in the place he'll still have to give you half the equity over time (maybe included in child support). 

You are right though, if he refuses to cut off all contact with her then you have to get out, you can't just stick around like an abandoned puppy hoping he'll come back "home".


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

iwillsurvive said:


> Last night I barely slept. I've had all these things going around and around in my mind. When he asked me this morning, I told him that I had a lot on my mind and didn't sleep most of last night. When he asked me what, I told him it was about us. I was not going to bring it up until after we both got home from work today, but he pushed so I answered. I told him I thought he was still in contact with the other woman. He didn't answer. I asked him bluntly if he was. He instead said "Why don't you just tell me what you know instead of asking the question." I told him I didn't know anything, but that I have this gut feeling that something isn't right. Then he proceeded to tell me that no they weren't communicating. For that moment he was kind and comforting. He finished getting ready for work and by the time he left, he was pissed off and defensive. He left, refusing to kiss or even tell me goodbye.
> 
> I don't think a person says "Tell me what you know . . ." if there is REALLY nothing to tell. Nor do they get all defensive, knowing there are already trust issues. In my opinion, if anything, he should have been reassuring and comforting telling me over and over that there is NOTHING and he'll show me.



You are correct iwillsurvive... Something isn't right.. I can say that as I know from a cheaters standpoint. When I was trying to hide something from raising5boyz I would get pissed and defensive as well. I do admit now that I do still get upset and defensive but not because I'm hiding something, only because it seems to me like she keeps trying to push me out. I will say though with his "Tell me what you know... " comment he is hiding something from you, probably exactly what he already told you once, it has probably happened again, and probably more than one time. You said he refused counseling, that isn't right either, I am the one that suggested couseling here. I talked to Bishop about it and he said that if WE thought the marriage was worth saving that we needed to do it. So we persued it. In this case I have to agree with revitalizedhusband. I am by far not a perfect person as you know, but I do know that what he's saying isn't right. You need to do as my wife did when I was trying to hide something, CORNER him, she treatened me with a lie detector test and told me that if I wanted to be here then I would have to submit myself for one. I got upset and defensive about it, but in the end told the truth everything I was hiding and I felt a LOT better about it. I have since been open and honest about everything and it feels good to me. I can't see my life without my wife or our kids (including her 4 boys). My life wouldn't be the same without them. It scares the hell out of me to envision that, therefore I am honest about EVERYTHING now. Just some ideas to try, I wish I could be of more help to you.

I'm loving life, my wife and our kids, I just wish I knew what more I could do to make her happier that I'm here....


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

iwillsurvive, I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your marriage. It seemed like things were going well for you and your husband. I'm sad to hear that this has changed.

I agree with the other poster here and don't just sign over your interest/ownership in the house--even though I think I can sympathize with what you are feeling--especially if you guys worked on the house together. It might seem like you just want to be rid of it-the financial burden and the memories. But, you do legally own half of it so you are entitled to your share. If nothing else, you deserve this. 

I can't say for sure, but it does seem like your husband is still in some type of contact with this OW. And absolutely trust your gut in this situation--your gut instinct was right before so unfortunately it seems like your instincts are correct. 

I won't tell you what to do--I dislike when other posters will say say yeah, dump him when they don't know the whole situation. Only you know what is best. 

Having been through a very similar situation myself with my own H about 4 months ago, I know that if I found out or strongly suspected something was still going on between him and the OW that I would be gone in a heartbeat. In my case, my H went NC and has stuck by it as far as I can tell. But if something changed...I think I would know it and that would be the end. So, I understand where you are coming from when you say, "you are done." No one will blame you if you are finished--it doesn't appear that he is living up to his end of the bargain.

I think I can understand your pain, confusion and sense of betrayal. If you're like me, you know you can't go through it again. Take care of yourself, your children and start putting your ducks in a row financially and legally if it comes to that. 

Good luck to you and feel free to keep posting here if you wish to-sometimes its helpful to have a place to vent and most people here are very well-meaning and helpful.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

ugh....I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I am here! Call me anytime! 

I would agree with you and the other posters. He is keeping something from you. My guess, just by what you said, is that he is trying to decide between you and her. He wants to figure out what he thinks is best for him before he talks to you about it. Honestly...if it were me...and this may not be the best move (I'm full of not so good moves! lol) I would contact her myself and find out what she has to say about it. I am the type of person who is a bit confrontational and I try to gain my own knowledge. Like I said...might not be the best move....but I have trouble sitting idle and waiting....it would drive me crazy. Of course I'm sure this will come to a head when he gets home from work. Keep us posted....we're here for you!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Forget about trying to explain what he is thinking. Just listen to what your feelings and gut instincts.

you feel his is lying. You have reason to believe it too.
Thats all that matters.
Dont get caught up into explaining him, let him do that, and whatever he says trust yourself and your feelings, period.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

iwillsurvive said:


> He instead said "Why don't you just tell me what you know instead of asking the question."


That is classic defence. I get that sort of answer all the time - usually with the variation: "Why don't you tell me what you want me to say?". 

I too believe your gut feeling is correct. However, there is more to it than that, in my eyes. He shouldn't be putting you in the position where you have to wonder.
My own personal homily is this: _The definition of good manners is to make people feel comfortable._
There is nobody that should deserve more manners in that way than your spouse/partner. 
You're feeling uncomfortable - and, IMO, rightly so. A partner that is truly caring should be moving hell, heaven and earth to make you feel more comfortable - whether they think your fears are unfounded or not.

I know there are excesses to everything, but he knows you're spending sleepless nights worrying about this. It's cruelty to leave you like that.

Just my opinion. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

*Update*

So. That same morning & afternoon he realized he really screwed up. I made myself somewhat unavailable to talk to because I wasn't ready to talk that morning. Later in the afternoon he called as he was on the road for work and asked if I even wanted him to come home. That openned up some dialouge.

It was mostly me talking. I told him that people don't react the way he did if there was really nothing to hide. And I told him that if he was deciding between the two of us, she could win. That I would walk away. I didn't sign up for "The Bachelor" so I wouldn't sit around and wait to be picked. I also told him that if he was talking/seeing her then there was no way he could give us 100%. I also told him that in my opinion as long as she was around, he would always be seeing the "greener grass" in her. She would be the excitement of a new relationship, she would be the person who he doesn't see on the day-to-day basis and know all the bad about. I told him that when he's been in a real, grown-up relationship with her for any length of time he may find that they have just as many problems or more. But that by keeping her around, he's picturing all that might be good about them, while focusing all that would be bad about us. Anyway- the conversation went on, mostly me talking, him listening.

Later that night when he got home from work and after the kids were in bed, he came to me and asked if we could talk. He asked me several questions- where would I go & what would I do if we split up, what would I want to do as far as our business (stay involved or leave), the house, what kind of arrangements would I make with the kids, etc. I gave him the answers I had already thought through and told him I didn't know on the others, but I would get back to him. Then he told me my gut was correct and he has had contact with her. He told me that I was right in that I deserved to know because it's wrong of me to think we are working on things if he isn't giving his all. And that he wouldn't blame me for walking out. He also told me that he's been focusing on mostly the negative in our relationship instead of the positive. We talked through some of this, and he resovled to be more positive and asked what were some of the things I felt we could do to start to improve our marriage. 

It was late and we went to bed. The next day he was very attentive. He was complimenting me, staying in touch with me all day, affectionate, etc. He ended up getting called into work late (he's the IT manager and often has to go into work if there is a problem). Anyway- it was a late Friday night and all those old memories of when he first cheated came flooding back. At this point in time, I couldn't freak out because it wouldn't do me any good. He stayed in constant contact with me the whole time. But early the next morning as I got up I thought back on our conversation and I realized that in all our talking about the OW I had never specifically said that he needed to cut her out of his life entirely. I told him why it bothered me that he was talking to her, but didn't really "lay down the law" as far as how I felt about it. So even though he was wonderful on Saturday morning, I felt like it was a conversation & situation that I couldn't leave hanging over us unresolved like that. 

When the kids were napping I asked if we could talk. I gave him some answers to some previous questions- told him I would not stay in the area. Which I'm sure he didn't like. But there is nothing here for me. His family is here, his friends are here, I moved here for him. I also told him my reasons again I was very bothered by him talking to the OW. He asked me "what do you want me to do?" I told him even if he wasn't sure about our relationship, he needed to cut her out of his life until we made a decision. And if we decide to stay together, then she stays out of her life permanantly. And if we don't decide to stay together, he can do whatever he wants. But that if he wants to stay in this house while we work through this, that he had to be done with her 100%. And that if he wasn't willing to do that, then I needed him to leave. I also told him that he needed to decide if she was worth giving up his wife & his kids for. Because that's what would happen. While he may have some role in his life, it wouldn't be what he has now and he would lose them. And that if I remarried and our lives took us out of state, he would lose them even further. And that he's risking our home, our business, everything for a woman that has only used him over and over in the past and dumped him when something better came along. 

I don't think he was ready for me to give him such an ultimatum. We had a pretty normal afternoon. We played with the kids outside, did some work around the house, etc. He went to lay down and I just felt like I needed to get out of the house, so we went up to my in-laws. His parents have been very supportive of me in this whole process and his mother & I have a very good relationship. So his dad & sister played with the kids and I was able to talk. I honestly didn't know if he would be home when we got back. But he was. 

He told me that us being gone when he woke up, coupled with all we had talked about really gave him time to think. And he knows I'm right. He needs to cut her out entirely. He knows he can't be friends with her. I asked him how will I know. I thought that had happened before- and then this happens. He told me he would find a way to prove it to me. He told me he's not unhappy being married to me. He likes our family life. He loves that we have a business we started and have grown together. He told me he believes our marriage can be fixed and that he wants to fix it. He told me he would break things off from her and that he doesn't want conversations about her to come up over and over because it doesn't do us any good. I told him I couldn't promise that. I won't bring her up over and over, but that since he brought her into our lives and our vocabulary then I deserved to ask, making sure he's keeping up his end of the promise. He also told me that we wouldn't blame me if I still end up leaving him. He is worried that the damage is done and can't be repaired, but that he's willing to do whatever he can to repair it. 

Sorry for the long ramble. I just need to get it out. So this morning things feel positive. Things feel like they are finally going to move forward. I hope it will. It's so stupid that I finally had to tell him to get out for him to come to a reality check. I've probably been guilty of making it too easy. I've tried to be kind and understanding and in some ways have let myself be a doormat. I'm done with that. I realized in a big way yesterday that I will be ok no matter what. And I wasn't going to be used and abused. I wasn't going to be the wife who cooks for him, does his laundry, sends him off to work and let her be the sexy plaything on the side. I didn't sign up for that. I'm either all or nothing. I am hoping that things really do start to make progress.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm afraid your gut is right. He's still in communication with her. Gee, did you just write my story? I was in this EXACT situation, before I discovered my H's affair for certain. I was pretty sure and I didn't accuse him but he was going to take me out to lunch and our relationship seemed to be going well, we'd been having ups and downs and he had said that he no longer felt the passion....well I guess not with another woman.. anyway I just said to him before I agree to go out to lunch with you, I have to know if you can and will give her up. I guess I should say he confirmed the affair when he came by to get me and he said the answer to both of your questions is Yes. 

But he didn't. His behavior showed it all too. Anger and defensiveness, classic signs of hiding something. 

It is time you moved on. Although don't just walk away from the house, why don't you see if you can sell it. If you can't then don't give up your legal ownership before speaking to an attorney. In this housing market it may be more of a liability but don't give it to him, he doesn't deserve it and you may need whatever money you can get out of it to help support you and your kids. 

One day when he comes home let it be to an empty house. Go find a place to stay and take the kids. But I urge you to get legal counseling first. You need a legal separation. I hate to say it, but try to get proof of his infidelity for your own protection. Install a key logger on the computer, get the phone records, hell follow him and take photos. 

He will not see the light until you leave him, but then again I don't think you should take him back simply because he realizes what he has lost after you are already gone. You deserve better and as long as you are with him, you won't be free to find a better relationship eventually...


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