# Was it just a kiss



## Lovinghubby10 (Oct 15, 2021)

My wife and I gave been married for 20 years 3 kids and a happy life. Their is no doubt in my mind they we love each other very much and have always had a great relationship. 
10 years ago I caught my wife having a affair with a coworker. At the time she first denied it but after I presented her emails, TxT and sms I collected from her she admitted to it. By the way the emails and sms were very descriptive explaining what they would do to each other during sex. At the time she told me it was nothing physical and she would not do it again. I believed her !!our sex life was great !! in fact it got better!! she was willing to do things she had never done before.! I forgot about it and life goes on right.
Fast forward until this year 10 years later I was cleaning out my e mail box and found a email conversation between the 2 of them 10 years ago it talked about her gilt for what happened the night before at the office when they hooked up His and her words He sudjested that they schedule alone time during the day at a hotel . It was common back then for her to work untill 10 or later at the office. I also searched her email and found numerous emails up to 3 years after she said she stoped talking to him

I talked to my wife about the hookup email and the others I found recently. she told me that she did keep the relationship going for a few years after she said she stoped but grew tired of him and stoped it. She also admitted to kissing him but said they did not have sex.
And said this multiple times ( I believe her)

my question is this can a woman be happy with a emotional affair with only a kiss?
Evean if it lasts for years?
our sex life got better during the affair is this How is this possible?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Wow.

Lets clarify a few things:

1. She is not a loving wife and does not love you. There maybe some other reason for staying with you but it is not that she is in love with you. Someone in love does not have affairs with co workers.

2. She is also a liar. After admitting to the affair (after a lot of denying and lies) she carries on the affair and lies to you again!!! And you just accepted it!! Again?!?!?!!?

3. And yes of course they had sex! They are adults not 12 year olds holding hands. And this went on for years. And they were familiar with each other enough to describe in graphic detail what they were going to do. And they had ample opportunity to do it. And ... here's the icing on the cake ... she had no reason to tell you the truth! She also knew that if you found out she would lie to you and you would believe it.

In short, she is not a loving wife and if you accept that then you should carry on else, expect that there is a lot more that you do not know and be prepared for it to happen again and again without you knowing.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Feelings + Proximity or Opportunity = Sex. I have yet to come across an exception. Your continued marriage is built on you believing her lies.

I'm so sorry to hurt you with this truth, but I think you should book a polygraph test for her, give her one last chance to come clean beforehand and you will see 1 of 3 things. She will either continue the lie, come clean or come to you with articles and "proof" of how inaccurate a polygraph is. If she does the latter, it's as good as the admission itself. There is also the possibility of the parking-lot confession just before the polygraph test is administered.

Prepare yourself with a plan on what to do next. I would suggest seeing a lawyer and at least see how a divorce would impact you in preparation for that eventuality.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> My wife and I gave been married for 20 years 3 kids and a happy life. Their is no doubt in my mind they we love each other very much and have always had a great relationship.
> 10 years ago I caught my wife having a affair with a coworker. At the time she first denied it but after I presented her emails, TxT and sms I collected from her she admitted to it. By the way the emails and sms were very descriptive explaining what they would do to each other during sex. At the time she told me it was nothing physical and she would not do it again. I believed her !!our sex life was great !! in fact it got better!! she was willing to do things she had never done before.! I forgot about it and life goes on right.
> Fast forward until this year 10 years later I was cleaning out my e mail box and found a email conversation between the 2 of them 10 years ago it talked about her gilt for what happened the night before at the office when they hooked up His and her words He sudjested that they schedule alone time during the day at a hotel . It was common back then for her to work untill 10 or later at the office. I also searched her email and found numerous emails up to 3 years after she said she stoped talking to him
> 
> ...


The fact that she changed her sexual habits is indicative that she did things different with him.
If she wasn't willing to try new things with you but suddenly, after the affair, that she is doing things different with you, it means that she was introduced to new things with him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man but admitted kissing = sex. Plus she kept up the affair which was more sex.
Sometimes an affair will ramp up sex or they do it to cover their affair. Not uncommon.

Bud if she truly loved you she wouldn’t have been screwing around behind you back. And even continued after you found out.

You like a lot just rugswept this. Your wife is a liar but you readily accepted anything she told you.

You can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No, it wasn’t “just a kiss”.

Come on. 🙄

How old are your kids?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

She is lying to you. If a friend asked you the same, what would advise him/her? If it was your son would you want him to be treated like this? You deserve better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most will want to believe because they don’t want to deal with reality.

All that does is keep you in limbo.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Out of all the times I've seen posters say: they only kissed, not once was that the real story and there was always sex of some kind. When adults deep kiss, they are minutes from having sex. It just works that way. A deep kiss is nearly as intimate as full on sex. It usually results in instant arousal. These are not giddy middle school students hanging out at the movies with some puppy kisses.

She got a lot better at "things" and "did more stuff" since she had a lot of practice - with him. That's one of the most sure ways, in your gut, to know what they've done: changes in behavior and sexual practices. It's like a STD, she got it out there and she brought it home.

Hey, she may be a fine wife right now, I don't know. She was also involved in a long term affair until she got tired of whatever it was. It involved tons of sex, including first experiments with kinds of sex that guy introduced her to. She could do it for him. At least in the end she did it for you. She lied, deceived, was "always working late" and did 100% and more of anything that has already come to your mind.
That's my take from what you have posted. Denial is the number one cover for affairs. (As in .. oh no she loves me so much and she couldn't have done that .. after she exhibits different sexual behavior... CONFESSION: that was me).

If you feel it's all in the past, dead and buried, and yeah, she told a few white lies (as in "just kissing" that was really porn star sex for years) then that's your decision and your life. Hey, things are probably fine now. After all, she saw the whole other gig was just nothing she wanted full time.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

rugswept said:


> Out of all the times I've seen posters say: they only kissed, not once was that the real story and there was sex of some kind. When adults deep kiss, they are minutes from having sex. It just works that way. A deep kiss is nearly as intimate as full on sex.
> 
> She got a lot better at "things" and "did more stuff" since she had a lot of practice - with him. That's one of the most sure ways, in your gut, to know what they've done: changes in behavior and sexual practices. It's like a STD, she got it out there and she brought it home.
> 
> ...


She probably lied about being the one to have ended it as well.


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## headbang (Oct 23, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> She is lying to you. If a friend asked you the same, what would advise him/her? If it was your son would you want him to be treated like this? You deserve better.


You are so right about this. One of the things that helped my self-care over the years was talking to myself about any issues as if I was advising a close friend. Somethings seem complex until you voiced them as if they were happening to someone else. Then they are either so stupid or so simple that you'll know what to do. 

As for the OP, well, I'm sure he just wants this forum to tell him that he's wrong. Because he knows what has happened and what his wife has been doing.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

It's never "just a kiss" Op. With all the evidence laid out in front of you, you can't be naive enough to believe it wasn't physical. The fact that she kept it going for 3 additional years is enough to ask her to leave.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dawg, married 20 Im guessing youre in you 40's. You got a lot of years to ponder just how far it went. I think you probably already know she's giving you the "G rating" version. For peace of mind, and not feeling you've been snookered for the next hump teen years, you need the real version. Its already eating away at you.
I suggest the aforementioned polygraph. If she takes it you'll know the truth. If she refuses, you'll know the truth. 
Bear in mind once you get the legal aspects out of the way, marriage is little more than a state of mind. You can always pretty well do what pleases you while keeping her around for booty call without internally feeling any real connection other than FWB. Its kinda the way she's done you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m sorry your dealing with this but come on? You know darn well they were having a LOT of sex. The new stuff she was doing was things she first learned with him. That email discussing the hook up was the day they consummated their affair. Prior to that, it was probably making out, heavy petting, and possibly BJs. That it went on for 3 years means it was possible very emotional for your wife; meaning she probably loved the guy.

There’s no way you should accept her word. 3 years is a long term relationship. If any of your kids were born during that period, you need to dna your kids. Did the hot sex with your wife continue throughout her affair or was it only during the beginning? It is common for WWs to sexually cut off their husbands because it feels like their cheating on their man. You should 100% expose POS to his wife. She may have been just as suspicious at the time but didn’t have the smoking gun. Also, I strongly suggest you do a poly. You really want to know exactly what you’re possibly forgiving.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

People lie in order to avoid the severe life destroying consequences of telling the truth. She will only admit to what she thinks you know from the emails. She's in damage control and will say anything to be exposed as a cheater.

After years of contact with this guy, I don't believe she broke up with him. It's more likely he got caught by his wife, he moved away, or he dumped her for some other reason.

The reason is important because you need to know if you were her plan B (not her first choice). 

Your wife has every reason to lie in order to preserve her reputation; and avoid being left alone.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

With respect to it was "just a kiss". 

Kisses are very personal and intimate in our culture.

Studies of people that committed adultery found that the kiss was the last 'line' that once crossed leads directly to sex.

Men don't invest time (in this case years) with a married woman to just be friends.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

She has proven that she's a liar, so why are you still believing her?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

What difference does it make? She became involved with a different man, cheated to whatever degree, hid it from you for a few extra years and used you to provide a comfortable home life whilst she was out getting her kicks.

What does it say about you when your question is whether she would be happy with a kiss?

I’ll you what it says - beta male, a doormat whose wife has absolutely no respect for you.

Time to grow a pair and move on.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Who is the OM? Was/is he married? If he was married at the time, his wife may know more of what they did.

Inform your wife that it was years ago for your her - but for you (after reading the emails) it just happened. And you will experience all the roller coaster of emotions (anger, denial, depression, lack of sleep ...) of betrayal.

Insist she write a timeline of her affair subject to a polygraph test. For sure she'll remember: whether they had sex, was it unprotected (DNA kids?), when it started and when & why they broke up, and whether she said negative things about you or your marriage. 

Also ask her why? She's had years to think about it, IMO if she readily accepts full responsibility (zero blame on husband) then it's evidence that she's a different person today. 

Regardless whether you believe they're accurate (bluff) inform her that based on her behavior (deceitful behavior) you can longer trust her to tell the truth - and her only chance to save the marriage is to pass a polygraph test.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Inform your wife that while the truth will likely hurt you and make it more difficult to reconcile, any further lies (or withholding information with "I don't remember or forgot") revealed by the polygraph test will guarantee divorce. 

Therefore, her best chance to save her marriage is a full confession today.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She had sex. She also kept it going behind your back.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If your wife wants to save her marriage, I recommend she read the following short book (available used on amazon) asap:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" 

by Linda J. MacDonald


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> I talked to my wife about the hookup email and the others I found recently. she told me that she did keep the relationship going for a few years after she said she stoped but grew tired of him and stoped it. She also admitted to kissing him but said they did not have sex.
> And said this multiple times *( I believe her)*


This is irrational. 

Your wife may have been happy with an emotional affair with no sex for years; but, do you (as a man) really think a man would be? 

The sex was better during the affair because she was ginned up by her boyfriend.

She has allowed you to live a lie for ten years - a full decade of your life. She is not remorseful nor regretful. Oh, and she doesn't love you. Sorry.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

They had sex! End of story! Your wife is a cheater and a liar!


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## Lovinghubby10 (Oct 15, 2021)

Wow let me clarify a few things.
First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Robert22205 said:


> After years of contact with this guy, I don't believe she broke up with him. *It's more likely he got caught by his wife*, he moved away, or he dumped her for some other reason.
> 
> The reason is important because you need to know if you were her plan B (not her first choice).


Long term affairs don’t end because the WW got tired of the OM. They end when they are caught or someone moves away. This was going on for over 3 years. She very likely was deeply in love with the OM, so knowing the real cause of the end is important. Did I it end because the OM’s wife found out? Or only because he moved away? That would mean it would have gone on for longer. Did they discuss leaving each other’s spouses to be together? It is usually the WW that’s willing to blow up their marriage/family for their OM. It’s rare that a WH is willing to blow up his marriage/family for the OW. 

I know it’s a lot to think about. Here you thought you had a great marriage but it was all a lie. Do not let fear keep you from finding the truth. Reach out to OM ‘s wife. Do not let your wife know you’re doing this. She will reach out to him to get their lies straight and to protect him. Also, like I said earlier, if any of your kids were born around this time, you need to DNA.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s possible that I’m going to be struck by lightening 3 times on the way to my truck in the driveway, and about the same possibility they didn’t have sex.
I’ve been on this forum since 2014 when my wife cheated and suddenly wanted a divorce because I was a “bad husband.” She never mentioned the fact that she was sexting ten different guys and rotating new ones in regularly. And if course likely screwing them too. We had sex every night. Up to the day I told her to gtfo, although I hated to do it because I loved her.

The most common thing we see in these boards from betrayed husbands is “they didn’t have time”. You are just flat out wrong on that, as all the countless others that post here were.

Would you maintain a years long relationship with a woman for conversation? Conversation where you describe the details of how you want to **** her but never do? Be reasonable. Yes they had sex.

can you live with it? Then go ahead. It sucks to break up a happy marriage if that’s how you feel it is. But accept that yes, they had sex, and yes, your wife is a cheating **** that cared more about this guy than she did her honor and her loyalty to you. Last of all, she is willing to do it again under the right circumstances. She’s already done it before!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3.


Dude, you better dna your kid. Not enough time? Really. WWs are notorious for being like an on-call free prostitute. Text her a time, boom, she comes to service and leaves. No romancing or fancy dinners needed. Did the email talking about hooking up not spell it out for you? That next time they want to go to a hotel? Please don’t lie and convince yourself. Call the OM’s wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s possible that I’m going to be struck by lightening 3 times on the way to my truck in the driveway, and about the same possibility they didn’t have sex.
I’ve been on this forum since 2014 when my wife cheated and suddenly wanted a divorce because I was a “bad husband.” She never mentioned the fact that she was sexting ten different guys and rotating new ones in regularly. And if course likely screwing them too. We had sex every night. Up to the day I told her to gtfo, although I hated to do it because I loved her.

The most common thing we see in these boards from betrayed husbands is “they didn’t have time”. You are just flat out wrong on that, as all the countless others that post here were.

Would you maintain a years long relationship with a woman for conversation? Conversation where you describe the details of how you want to **** her but never do? Be reasonable. Yes they had sex.

can you live with it? Then go ahead. It sucks to break up a happy marriage if that’s how you feel it is. But accept that yes, they had sex, and yes, your wife is a cheating **** that cared more about this guy than she did her honor and her loyalty to you. Last of all, she is willing to do it again under the right circumstances. She’s already done it before!

Btw, her email said they hooked up. A kiss is not a hookup for cheating adults. She 100% screwed him. He did suggest a hotel, so it nay not have been often, but it happened a lot more often than you think. Probably at least once a week or more. It could have been in the broom closet of the office, the. Back seat of his car, etc etc.

it was going on when you were having children????? Omg—- I’d dna every one of them. Damn good chance you’ve been raising someone else’s kids. Sure, you love them. They’re yours. But they may not be made with your dna. I feel badly for you


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time.


According to who? Your lying wife?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Translation:

"we only kissed (10 years ago)" = we got laid

"we only kissed (nowadays)" = We had anal sex because i do not let you have that and i wanted a thrill.


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## ononvandersexx (Apr 6, 2021)

They had sex


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair.


Doesn't this make you want to puke? It does me. See, she did you a favor.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


What about the email about them hooking up?

DNA test your kids. For your own peace of mind.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


An hour of alone time every other month for several years is more than enough time to have sex. I guess if you're looking for a glass half full perspective, you could revel in that your wife was having more sex with you than her AP. I'm not saying this to be mean, but I think you need a healthy dose of reality with all the evidence you've seen so far.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Doesn't this make you want to puke? It does me. See, she did you a favor.


Definitely nauseating. I didn’t see that… ugh


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3.


You just had to mention the birth of a kid during her affair and open that can of worms. Gawd help you my man with what's coming your way.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Captain Obvious said:


> An hour of alone time every other month for several years is more than enough time to have sex.


I don't think the logistics is as restrictive as our man Lovinhubby thinks. Many folks has and will do some serious ****ing over a lunch hour next week.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I don't think the logistics is as restrictive as our man Lovinhubby thinks. Many folks has and will do some serious ****ing over a lunch hour next week.


Oh yeah, absolutely. Even under his best case scenario where the wife and AP could only be alone for an hour every other month, that's plenty of time. Horny people will use every opportunity they can.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has an email that says they hooked up.
I mean, what more does he want in order to accept she ducked him? A video?
It went on for 3 years AFTER she was caught. Hell, there’s no sand deep enough that will cover his ostrich eyes.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


No. Quit hiding your head in the sand.

"You just had to mention the birth of a kid during her affair and open that can of worms. Gawd help you my man with what's coming your way "

Will he have the guts to DNA his kid or will he bury his head in the sand even further?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


Oh boy..
.....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Doesn't this make you want to puke? It does me. See, she did you a favor.


Full on retard moment that.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


Only if you want it to be.... I know you want to believe the best in her but unfortunately it's is extremely unlikely that it was kissing only, it's one of best used confession lines from a cheater, to admit only to kissing. 
I think you need to get honest with yourself and believe it was full on sexual, if you don't, it will only keep hurting you and hurt you even more when you find out the truth, don't set yourself up to get hurt like that. 





Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just piling on here but I'm adding to the collection of "We kissed" means "We had sex" in cheater speak.

It is unfortunately all too common.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Full on retard moment that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In the email where he suggested getting a room, what was her response? Did she say yes or no? 

She lied to you about stopping the relationship, whatever it was. Of course, if they work together, it can be very tricky to end even a flirtation and it's usually the woman who loses on those deals. I mean, you literally can't just stop talking to them at work or it will raise a lot of eyebrows, but you certainly can and should stop the personal emails or calls or whatever if you told your husband you would! 

Sex is better, and she may realize or at least suspect that good sex is your currency, meaning she may think, rightly or wrongly, that as long as you are getting well laid, you'll let everything else go. That's kind of what it sounds like to me. 

But yeah, she's a lying cheater, so that's a dealbreaker for most people!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> My wife and I gave been married for 20 years 3 kids and a happy life. Their is no doubt in my mind they we love each other very much and have always had a great relationship.
> 10 years ago I caught my wife having a affair with a coworker. At the time she first denied it but after I presented her emails, TxT and sms I collected from her she admitted to it. By the way the emails and sms were very descriptive explaining what they would do to each other during sex. At the time she told me it was nothing physical and she would not do it again. I believed her !!our sex life was great !! in fact it got better!! she was willing to do things she had never done before.! I forgot about it and life goes on right.
> Fast forward until this year 10 years later I was cleaning out my e mail box and found a email conversation between the 2 of them 10 years ago it talked about her gilt for what happened the night before at the office when they hooked up His and her words He sudjested that they schedule alone time during the day at a hotel . It was common back then for her to work untill 10 or later at the office. I also searched her email and found numerous emails up to 3 years after she said she stoped talking to him
> 
> ...


A wayward spouse who is attracted to another wayward spouse and both are overwhelmingly interested in "experiencing" their attraction for one another have sex. It's the fundamental nature of infidelity, At first they talk about it superficially. Then they talk about it realistically. At this point, not much can stop it from happening. Not marriage, kids, jobs, pregnancy, STD's or potential divorce. 

Wayward spouses who have committed physical infidelity but still want to stay married don't answer questions truthfully because their aim is to stay married and minimize consequences* at all costs*. They have two objectives. Satiate their desire to have sex with their AP and remain married. This means lying, gas lighting and manipulating until death do them part.

This is where you are. Unless her conscious is eating at her, she has no upside to telling you the truth. She had her cake already and is eating it by staying married to you. Would a person on trial to committing a crime confess to being guilty if the results are jail time? Your wife has everything to lose and nothing to gain in confessing. Look at this from her perspective where self prioritization is the one and only thing that is important to her. 

This means you have to prioritize yourself because you can't count on her helping you with your discomfort of not knowing the truth. She's protecting yourself so you have expect zero help and do what's best for you. Again, do not expect help and honesty from her. You may get it eventually, but you must proceed as if it'll never come. You have to take full responsibility to finding the truth on your own and let the chips fall where they may.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Doesn't this make you want to puke? It does me. See, she did you a favor.


To me that was his wife admitting that her new sex techniques or willingness to perform certain sex acts were because she learned them with OM. It really should make him nauseous. If your wife is all the sudden giving BJs to completion or down for anal, he should have been devastated that he was 2nd to experience them. 

I’m still blown away that he said the affair ended after the birth of his 3rd child. Did she think she was carrying OM’s child and stopped because it was her husband’s? Makes me think of the thread on SI of a WW that had an 11 month sex affair at the time they were Trying to get pregnant all the way through birth of baby. Only stopped after WW accidentally sent text to husband instead of OM.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


If you took the time to read a couple dozen stories you will find lustful adults find time. Sex is mobile and is a 24/7 proposition. Wayward spouses that work together have so many justifiable and reasonable excuses, they can go years and long periods going unsuspicious, let alone undetected. 

What's important for you as you contemplate the possibility of infidelity, you must think like a cheater, not like the faithful husband you are. Faithful spouses think logically and lovingly. Infidelity however is comprised of people who are at times uncharacteristically thinking illogically, irrationally and clandestinely. Until you succeed at thinking like a cheater, you will remain naïve to the dark, sadistic world of infidelity.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


Brother wake up. You need to face reality. She cheated. She had sex. Why don’t you ask her to take a polygraph. Watch her facial expression. I bet she tells you no way in hell she will take one, too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I generally try and see the best in people but in your case with your wife its impossible. 
I find it almost impossible to believe that you still think she is telling the truth.

She has cheated on you deceived you and lied to you for many years. 

If you are so sure if her then you will have no problem with firstly, telling her that you want her to take a polygraph, secondly to contact the man's wife if he has one, and thirdly DNA testing the children. 

You could say that if you find out in the polygraph she has lied the marriage is over. Hopefully she would confess more before the test, probably not all but enough. 
If she was in her affair when any of the children were conceived they are just as likely to be his as yours. 

Please stop being so naive. It's highly likely they had sex multiple times over these years.


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## Lovinghubby10 (Oct 15, 2021)

I found a few emails like this from her to him
See below 
I was not thinking about a hotel, sorry if I misled you I was thinking some face to face time -we can talk about it , if you'd like, and or just enjoy each other's company. I enjoy our email exchanges, but here and there, I'd like to see you in person. IMing only gets old.

This was 5 months after the hookup email
And I was aware of the affair.
and after the emails were much milder he would-ask for sex and she would say no.


Many emails said she just want to talk and flirt
He seamed to loose Interest. But will still try once in asking about sex for 2 years after that.

He then filed for a divorce his wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This does shed a different light.
But I still think they had sex during the hookup


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

She still knew what she was doing was wrong and attempted to hide it. 

Why even ask the question or come to this forum if you believe her? 

She doesn't need to defend herself if you are so quick to defend her. 

If the marriage is so great now, why rock the boat? 

You knew the answers you would get, but ask for advice, only to reject it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> I found a few emails like this from her to him
> See below
> I was not thinking about a hotel, sorry if I misled you I was thinking some face to face time -we can talk about it , if you'd like, and or just enjoy each other's company. I enjoy our email exchanges, but here and there, I'd like to see you in person. IMing only gets old.
> 
> ...


Get that lie detector test then.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Your in denial.
They ****ed. A lot.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> My wife and I gave been married for 20 years 3 kids and a happy life. Their is no doubt in my mind they we love each other very much and have always had a great relationship.
> 10 years ago I caught my wife having a affair with a coworker. At the time she first denied it but after I presented her emails, TxT and sms I collected from her she admitted to it. By the way the emails and sms were very descriptive explaining what they would do to each other during sex. At the time she told me it was nothing physical and she would not do it again. I believed her !!our sex life was great !! in fact it got better!! she was willing to do things she had never done before.! I forgot about it and life goes on right.
> Fast forward until this year 10 years later I was cleaning out my e mail box and found a email conversation between the 2 of them 10 years ago it talked about her gilt for what happened the night before at the office when they hooked up His and her words He sudjested that they schedule alone time during the day at a hotel . It was common back then for her to work untill 10 or later at the office. I also searched her email and found numerous emails up to 3 years after she said she stoped talking to him
> 
> ...


I am sorry, but like others her statement of them going to a hotel room and ".......She also admitted to kissing him but said they did not have sex. ......" just doesn't sound possible. If you believe her, I have bridge to sell you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Then why are you here???

You can't change what you're afraid to confront.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lovinghubby10 If you were a detective investigating a bank robbery and one of the suspects said: "Well, I admit that I was part of the gang who broke into the bank. But I decided to only touch the money and I didn't keep any for myself. Honest!" would you believe them?


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## Lovinghubby10 (Oct 15, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In the email where he suggested getting a room, what was her response? Did she say yes or no?
> 
> She lied to you about stopping the relationship, whatever it was. Of course, if they work together, it can be very tricky to end even a flirtation and it's usually the woman who loses on those deals. I mean, you literally can't just stop talking to them at work or it will raise a lot of eyebrows, but you certainly can and should stop the personal emails or calls or whatever if you told your husband you would!
> 
> ...


She said no read the prior response


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> She said no read the prior response


Well, that's good at least, but she knew he had that interest. If it was a tricky situation at work, she should have enumerated that for you so you understood it, I think.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We get a lot of BHs who come here with some damning evidence to them back pedal when they here the opinions of others. You now sound like her defense lawyer , looking for ways to explain away what anyone who doesn’t have a dig in the fight can see. 

You 100% should demand a poly and dna your last child. You thought she stopped after being confronted and she lied to you that she stopped. For 3 years she was involved with this guy in some capacity. It does not take late evening or weekends to hook up. Afternoon delight can take place in the backseat in a car parked in a deserted section of a parking lot of a nearby park.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

PreRaph said:


> Will he have the guts to DNA his kid or will he bury his head in the sand even further?


Give him a moment, he's not to China yet.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Denial and hope are powerful feelings. Denial causes us to question the evidence we have and to find ways it could mean something other than it means, or we think.. oh that was really nothing. Or, oh no, that's not possible. 

Hope keeps us thinking things are fine and it stabilizes us to keep thinking things for the much better are coming. 

In this case the poster found plenty of stuff after the fact that opened the old can of worms (that was actually a lot rugsweeping) and the poster still has serious doubts and angst about what the truth might have been. It takes a lot to face it, that it really was what it appeared to be. 

When they affair out on us, they take the closest, most arousing sexual practices and shower their AP with it. They're trying to look their best and be a sexual olympian goddess at the same time. If the AP wants it... got it... and if I'm not doing it right, you'll have to tell me how I can improve. 

At least the poster "benefited" from the AP experiences. His W came home with plenty of experience in some of those "other things". 

Personally I got the same kind of thing but I do not feel any gratitude whatsoever for this OM who schooled my wife on his sexual preferences. It took me a long time to accept what it all was. Denial is indeed a powerful thing.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> I talked to my wife about the hookup email and the others I found recently. she told me that she did keep the relationship going for a few years after she said she stoped but grew tired of him and stoped it.


There is so much screwed up stuff happening here… but the part above? ^^^ wow. She told you she only stopped cheating on you because….. she got tired of him. And you’re good with this?

Of COURSE you had tons of hot and kinky monkey sex. It’s called hysterical bonding and how else was she going to get you to rug sweep this whole thing? It worked too. 

There is so much wrong with your selfish wife. She gaslights the hell out of you and you are eating it up and asking for seconds. Are you that blinded by sex? Do you read the things you’re saying??? She told you that you are benefitting from her cheating on you. She’s a real piece of work. I can’t believe you buy this garbage.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

I just read your thread @Lovinghubby10 I assume you do realize that no matter if you believe her about the no sex and only a kiss that after you confronted her she said that was it and blatantly lied to you for over 2 or 3 more years. This shows you absolutely no respect to you or your marriage (or kids if you have any).

I assume this is really bothering you or you would not be here posting about it. Come clean tell her how you truly feel and you trusted her when she told you after you confronted her about the emails. However, since she lied to you about stopping the EA that for you to have peace of mind with your relationship you want her to take a polygraph and if it shows she is telling the truth to all of your questions then you will never mention it again and if she is telling you everything and is truthful about she should want to do this and put it all behind you guys.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> my question is this can a woman be happy with a emotional affair with only a kiss?
> Evean if it lasts for years?
> our sex life got better during the affair is this How is this possible?


You asked these questions, from literally strangers on the net, were you looking for an answer that you had in mind? or reassurances that it was just kissing? 
how can anyone here know? , we were not there!! (neither were you).... so everything you are being told is based on the combined experiences we all here have been exposed to. 

Even if it was just kissing (0.01% chance), so then what?? she still massively disrespected you for a very long time, and has gotten away with it, what makes you think it won't happen again and that next time you will never have a clue? 
I say you should ask the true question behind your questions......

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s not unusual to live in denial. Many do. It’s a comfort zone in order to avoid having to face reality and make a decision. He came here for a reason. He was hoping to get reassurance that what he saw wasn’t what it looked like. Now in order to stay in denial he’s working hard to believe her. It’s just more rugsweeping.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I just read your thread @Lovinghubby10 I assume you do realize that no matter if you believe her about the no sex and only a kiss that after you confronted her she said that was it and blatantly lied to you for over 2 or 3 more years. This shows you absolutely no respect to you or your marriage (or kids if you have any).
> 
> I assume this is really bothering you or you would not be here posting about it. Come clean tell her how you truly feel and you trusted her when she told you after you confronted her about the emails. However, since she lied to you about stopping the EA that for you to have peace of mind with your relationship you want her to take a polygraph and if it shows she is telling the truth to all of your questions then you will never mention it again and if she is telling you everything and is truthful about she should want to do this and put it all behind you guys.


Apparently you’ve never met a cheater. They will lie to your face, on their death bed, sometimes even with sound snd video of them doing evil deeds which they’ve denied in the past. There is no talking reason with a liar. There is zero reason in their mind to tell you the truth. Allay your fears????? This concept is foreign to them. One doesn’t ASK for a polygraph— it’s demanded with obvious willingness to walk, or they smell blood in the water snd come up with excuses not to. Lie and obfuscate the truth are their bread and water.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> My wife and I gave been married for 20 years 3 kids and a happy life. Their is no doubt in my mind they we love each other very much and have always had a great relationship.
> 10 years ago I caught my wife having a affair with a coworker. At the time she first denied it but after I presented her emails, TxT and sms I collected from her she admitted to it. By the way the emails and sms were very descriptive explaining what they would do to each other during sex. At the time she told me it was nothing physical and she would not do it again. I believed her !!our sex life was great !! in fact it got better!! she was willing to do things she had never done before.! I forgot about it and life goes on right.
> Fast forward until this year 10 years later I was cleaning out my e mail box and found a email conversation between the 2 of them 10 years ago it talked about her gilt for what happened the night before at the office when they hooked up His and her words He sudjested that they schedule alone time during the day at a hotel . It was common back then for her to work untill 10 or later at the office. I also searched her email and found numerous emails up to 3 years after she said she stoped talking to him
> 
> ...


Polygraph. She is playing you for a fool.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


You can’t possibly be this clueless…(and it took all of my discipline to not use different words here)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Even if it was just a kiss, it was still a wrong relationship that lasted years. It was still cheating and lying and deception.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wonder how many “working late” nights they had and whether the office was actually open or the time card was stamped at the tome she said she was getting off. All OP knows about work where the AP was is what he was told. And he was told LIES. Vacation days taken, spent in a hotel room are common for affair partners.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wonder how many “working late” nights they had and whether the office was actually open or the time card was stamped at the tome she said she was getting off. All OP knows about work where the AP was is what he was told. And he was told LIES. *Vacation days taken, spent in a hotel room are common for affair partners.*


It’s sad when a betrayed spouse finds out the depth of the deception that took place to enable the wayward to spend quay time with their affair partner. Using up PTO time to to have uninterrupted rendezvous time, while their spouse thinks they’re at work has got to hurt. But is it any worse than saying you’re working late on a project ,when you’re actually with the AP, or on a business trip that was extended to have quality time. In these instances, the betrayed realizes that they were really plan B. 

With this affair lasting well over three years, I can only imagine the amount of lying that his WW did to be able to spend time with OM. but I’m still most disturbed by the affair ending AFTER the birth of their 3rd child. Makes me wonder if she thought OM was the father.. It is truly repulsive that some WW will continue to have sex with OM while pregnant. Think the only reason they may do that is because they believe the OM may be the father.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sex is better, and she may realize or at least suspect that good sex is your currency, meaning she may think, rightly or wrongly, that as long as you are getting well laid, you'll let everything else go. That's kind of what it sounds like to me.


yep, and it worked...


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP. Tell her this affair of hers is eating you up, affecting you and your relationship to her. And that a polygraph test would go a long way to helping you put this to rest.

I really don't know what other avenue you have here mate. About the only other move you'd have would be a call to the OM to get him to verify everything, but that's probably a waste of time, it was 10 yrs ago if he even remembers much he's likely to lie or laugh at you. Kind of a weak move.

Sounds like you want your marriage to continue. If that's the case I guess it's smile and enjoy your marriage. Forgive, forgive, forgive and don't look back it's just going to drive you crazy. Maybe get some therapy on how to cope and forgive.

The veteran posters here are usually right when they say the spouse in question screwed their affair partner. Story, after story, after story. Your wife and the OM didn't much time together? It's called a quickie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Even if it was just a kiss, it was still a wrong relationship that lasted years. It was still cheating and lying and deception.


"It was only a kiss!" Compared to: "But I only stole $50 from the store!"

This reminds me of a remark attributed to George Bernard Shaw.
At dinner a woman looked at another very handsome man and said, roguishly to Mr Shaw "He is very handsome! If he gave me £1,000,000 I would go to bed with him!"
Mr Shaw looked at her and said: "Would you go to bed with him for sixpence?"
She bristled and snapped back in anger: "Mr Shaw! What kind of a woman do you take me for?"
Mr Shaw replied dryly "From your previous statement you have already established what kind of a woman you are. I was merely haggling over the price."


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

sideways said:


> Then why are you here???


I'm starting to wonder about that myself.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> He has an email that says they hooked up.
> I mean, what more does he want in order to accept she ducked him? A video?


If there was a video he'd say he asked her about and she said he's not actually inside her they just dry humped and she was thinking about him the entire time and he'd believe her and ask us what we thought and he'd refute the unanimous posts saying she's lying.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

tell your wife that you are giving her an early Christmas present. Inform her that you have scheduled a polygraph for her (and make sure that you have actually scheduled it). 

her immediate reaction will probably tell you all that you need to know.
If not, expect to be trickled truth or be given a full confession before you walk into the polygraph office.

im sorry.

good luck and stay strong


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have seen what is going on here labeled "Betrayal Blindness". Meaning that the betrayed spouse simply will not believe the signs of what is happening. Because is they accept that they are being betrayed, then they have to take action to stop it and protect themselves. Ironically, not believing the truth and taking no action is a form of self protection.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> I have seen what is going on here labeled "Betrayal Blindness". Meaning that the betrayed spouse simply will not believe the signs of what is happening. Because is they accept that they are being betrayed, then they have to take action to stop it and protect themselves. Ironically, not believing the truth and taking no action is a form of self protection.


That is truly tragic.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TDSC60 said:


> I have seen what is going on here labeled "Betrayal Blindness". Meaning that the betrayed spouse simply will not believe the signs of what is happening. Because is they accept that they are being betrayed, then they have to take action to stop it and protect themselves. Ironically, not believing the truth and taking no action is a form of self protection.


It's often because he doesn't have as many options as other men.
If he were able to be in a new relationship tomorrow or soon after divorcing his current wife, he might not be so inclined to be so tolerant of being unfaithful.
I'd rather be alone myself than stay married to somebody that I could not trust to be faithful.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> It's often because he doesn't have as many options as other men.
> If he were able to be in a new relationship tomorrow or soon after divorcing his current wife, he might not be so inclined to be so tolerant of being unfaithful.
> I'd rather be alone myself than stay married to somebody that I could not trust to be faithful.


There’s a third option:
ACCEPT the reality of his situation, DECIDE that it is not tenable and BUILD a deliberate self improvement / exit plan. 
Take the next 6-12 months and focus heavily on BECOMING a man with more options. Then take the appropriate action.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> It's often because he doesn't have as many options as other men.
> If he were able to be in a new relationship tomorrow or soon after divorcing his current wife, he might not be so inclined to be so tolerant of being unfaithful.
> I'd rather be alone myself than stay married to somebody that I could not trust to be faithful.


I disagree. No man that loves his wife considers “options”. That’s why he married her. He wanted HER. I totally see the reasons WHY he wishes he could fix it. It takes time to figure out he can’t fix a woman’s character— because he didn’t think she had such lousy character. The problem is in the length of time it takes to come to a point of taking action. It shouldn’t take months it years. If so then OP’s problem is indecision, inconfidence in himself, or inability to accept the obvious.

I knew I could find another woman when I found out my ex was cheating. I didn’t want another woman. I still loved her. It takes time for that love to be driven out and acceptance to take place.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> There’s a third option:
> ACCEPT the reality of his situation, DECIDE that it is not tenable and BUILD a deliberate self improvement / exit plan.
> Take the next 6-12 months and focus heavily on BECOMING a man with more options. Then take the appropriate action.


I agree with you about the self improvement bit.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I really don't understand the polygraph emphasis. She knows what she did. It would be amazing if she agreed to such a test exposing the real truth. If she lied about it being only a kiss, she will lie about some reason for not taking the test. He can waste money scheduling and paying for the service, but it is highly likely she will agree to it. If he is willing to believe the "only a kiss" line, he will surely believe her excuses for not taking such a test.

In short unless she really wants the truth to get out, pushing for a polygraph test is just wasting time until he has to choose a course of action. It is way of delaying what really needs to be done. So many people procrastinate in life and enable bad behavior on the part of others. He needs to decide whether his boundaries have been permanently crossed and divorce is what he wants or if he is going to do something that established boundaries in the marriage (if you call it that) which will need serious work and a long time to rebuild.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you stay? I want to know!
She betrayed you and kept lying about it after she said she ended it.
Why are you approaching this betrayal in such a weak way?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s either consequences or no consequences.
No consequences the behavior is likely to happen again and OP loses his self respect. Consequences means the likelihood of divorce and his wife moving on because she lacks respect for him anyway.
I’d go the consequences route and gain both self respect and indirectly, his wife’s.
As George Constanza says: He needs to have some hand in his relationship.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

If you believe your wife that they didn't have sex then I own a bridge I'd like to sell you. You already know she is a liar and she also lying about the sex. Even if you think it couldn't happen to you - it happened! Sister in-law - denied denied then it was just holding hands then it was just a kiss until finally she admitted to them having sex. Brother in-law denied for 10 years until he finally confessed he cheated. 

Sit her down and demand she spill the beans as painful as it will be this is your only option. Be prepared for more trickle truth - enough said to make you go away.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

As others have said, a kiss equals sex. My wife admitted to a kiss quickly, and they both stuck to that for several weeks...I had to act like I knew they had sex, which I figured they had, for her to finally admit to it. Then, of course, it was only 2 times, the same day. We all know that's a lie, but once you admit to sex, I'm not sure the amount of it changes a lot.

Him and I worked together, I was the best man in his wedding. His wife was pregnant with their first child. I tell you that, to tell you this, when people cheat there are no boundaries, nothing is off the table. If you had to sneak around, risk losing it all, would you do that just to kiss the person? 

This dude literally went crazy over my wife, he's the reason I got suspicious. She left the house to go the gym, he literally asked me how long did it take to get to his house. He was seeing what time he needed to tell his wife he would be home, so he could go hang out with my wife. A piece of tail makes people crazy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair "
Yeah, YOU were the beneficiary of the NEW sex stuff that she did with the AP -- and then brought home to you...


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm late to the party, but this is obvious, its clear this was a full blown PA. I'm sorry you believed her back then but that doesn't mean you have to now. Call up the OM's ex wife and talk to her.

I know you wanted to believe otherwise, but there is no doubt. What you did was a classic rugsweep and it has now come back to bite you, which is pretty much always the case.

Don't sweep it under the rug again, its time to address the issues of her lying and cheating.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If she had not grown tired of him, you realize she would still be screwing him..right? She did not stop it because it was wrong....SHE JUST GOT BORED WITH HIM !!!!!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she had not grown tired of him, you realize she would still be screwing him..right? She did not stop it because it was wrong....SHE JUST GOT BORED WITH HIM !!!!!


Either the thrill wore off or it wasn't her that ended it.
I tend to favour the latter.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. No man that loves his wife considers “options”. That’s why he married her. He wanted HER. I totally see the reasons WHY he wishes he could fix it. It takes time to figure out he can’t fix a woman’s character— because he didn’t think she had such lousy character. The problem is in the length of time it takes to come to a point of taking action. It shouldn’t take months it years. If so then OP’s problem is indecision, inconfidence in himself, or inability to accept the obvious.
> 
> I knew I could find another woman when I found out my ex was cheating. I didn’t want another woman. I still loved her. It takes time for that love to be driven out and acceptance to take place.


I agree with you on everything in life about marriage, except infidelity. 
If the wife is incapacitated and cannot fully provide for herself, I have no problem making up for her inability to do, for the rest of my life if need be.
However, PA means the end of a marriage. 
I'm not above reconciliation, if she is prepared to live in a different household for a couple of years, while we re-date.


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

> I found a few emails like this from *her* to him
> See below
> I was not thinking about a hotel, sorry if I misled you I was thinking some face to face time -we can talk about it , if you'd like, and or just enjoy each other's company. I enjoy our email exchanges, but here and there, I'd like to see you in person. IMing only gets old.


OP, how is this *NOT* HER telling him SHE needs sex “here and there”? This isn’t middle school, grown-ups, in an A (make no mistake, this was an A) meet up for sex, not to talk and hold hands.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He boinked her dude.


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## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

What am I missing here? You said you have an email where they admitted they hooked up. So they had sex. Then, she lied to you and kept it going for years and only stopped it when she got bored? So, if she didn’t get bored it might still be going on without any care at all what it would do to you. It was all about her.
What’s the objective here. You seem rather convinced they didn’t have sex despite contrary evidence. Are you just looking for validation of your “they didn’t have sex” idea?


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

The poster is in post A agony that we've all been through.
He was hoping to get verification that is wasn't anything but talking and a little kiss here and there. It is very tough to see and admit to yourself what your wayward actually did. Many of us have lived that. And the denial kept us from dealing with it or ending it much much sooner.

Obviously the seasoned posters know full well that this was full up dial up sex followed by menu selection for sex of the day, including many new options on the menu.
It's tough living with the idea that our partner was a full up sex bot porn star for someone else. Eventually, if you wait long enough, the evidence is overwhelming.

I do hope the poster is able to cope with all of this. We all know what this is like. We do wish him well.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The number of BHs we get that are looking for someone to bolster their self delusion is shocking. Once they get anonymous confirmation that their worst fears are most likely, they run off. Within the past few weeks alone we’ve had at least 4 BHs that ran off in fear of facing their situation as it actually is. 

I truly hope these guys come back for guidance on how to best maneuver through their ordeal. TAM can be such a powerful tool for a betrayed if they follow the advice. It can also be helpful for waywards as well but too often, they’re not ready for the 2x4s nor for the needed heavy lifting that R entails.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

jsmart said:


> The number of BHs we get that are looking for someone to bolster their self delusion is shocking. Once they get anonymous confirmation that their worst fears are most likely, they run off. Within the past few weeks alone we’ve had at least 4 BHs that ran off in fear of facing their situation as it actually is.
> 
> I truly hope these guys come back for guidance on how to best maneuver through their ordeal. TAM can be such a powerful tool for a betrayed if they follow the advice. It can also be helpful for waywards as well but too often, they’re not ready for the 2x4s nor for the needed heavy lifting that R entails.


Agreed, even if it takes time to unwind things it's a lot better feeling to be doing something about it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

reminds me of the song from the killers...mr. brightside


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> Wow let me clarify a few things.
> First due to my wife's crazy schedule and her affair partners schedule. They had very little alone time. They would maybe be alone every other month for a hour when working late. So even though it went on for years it was not a lot of time. She spent every weekend and night with me and It all stoped when after the birth of our child #3. Our sex life at the time improved we had sex every day. We went to a strip club, visited a swingers club only to view, had sex all the time. Anything I suggested she was willing to do. She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair. I think I was getting so much sex at the time I stoped thinking about her affair. She told me she loves me every day and I could feel her love.
> Is it possible she is telling the truth it was only heavy flirting and only a kiss ?
> It was all a mental romance for her a live romance novel.?


It takes only five minutes to squeeze off an orgasm. 
Are you telling us that your wife did not have five minutes alone with a guy over the course of her affair?


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

ThreeHundo said:


> What am I missing here? You said you have an email where they admitted they hooked up. So they had sex. Then, she lied to you and kept it going for years and only stopped it when she got bored? So, if she didn’t get bored it might still be going on without any care at all what it would do to you. It was all about her.
> What’s the objective here. You seem rather convinced they didn’t have sex despite contrary evidence. Are you just looking for validation of your “they didn’t have sex” idea?


She got bored because he was a bad kisser.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Boink denier.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Lovinghubby10 I understand that the responses you’ve received can be overwhelming. Reading so many people tell you pretty much the same thing is very uncomfortable. I understand that you’re not ready to face the depth of your wife’s betrayal but do not continue to let fear of losing your wife keep you in denial. 

That feeling you’ve had in your gut for the past decade will not go away. Rug sweeping just kicks the can down the road. Eventually you have to deal with what happened. Also How can you forgive if you don’t know what you’re forgiving. It just is not practical to believe that an affair that last over three years was not sexual.

She told you she ended affair because she grew tired of him, which coincidentally was AFTER the birth of your 3rd child. Do you fully grasp that means she was in the affair while you were trying to conceive and throughout the pregnancy? It is very possible that she thought that baby may have been his and only ended the affair once she saw that it was yours. Were your other 2 kids conceived in the time frame of her over 3 year affair? You will not get any peace until you get answers to the questions you’ve had for the past decade but now that TAM has forced your eyes open, you have way more questions.

Get your kids DNA verified and without a doubt, you should insist that your wife take a poly. They will let you ask 3 to 4 questions. One of those questions has to be “did you think OM was the father of child number 3?
TAM is here when your ready. We really do want to help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lovinghubby10 You have not yet responded to my communication with you. Please do so.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Lovinghubby10 said:


> She even told me you are the beneficiary of her the affair


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