# If I knew then what I know now.



## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

After reading the post "False Recovery" I thought if I knew then what I know now. I didn't want to hijack his thread so I am asking here. How many people would have done things different and what would you have done.
I would have waited before confronting my WW. I would have used a VAR and some programs to forward her texts and emails to me. I confronted too early and didn't get all the truth. I know there were other men and she never has come clean to this day. She never did gaslight me but she shut up about it all like it was over and in the past. I unfortnatly remember Every day. What hurts must is that in my eyes she is still lying because she never came totally clean or tried to explain Why. I only got the "I was stupid. I'm sorry it will never happen again" speech.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Hindsight is always 20/20. I would have never married the SOB


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Just before I started dating my now ex-wife, I went on a one time date with a really beautiful woman about 3 years older than me. We volunteered together at the local Humane Society. 

We hit it off pretty well, but then I started dating my future ex and went that route instead. I often wonder about that fork in the road, and how I chose the difficult path. In hindsight of course. 

But then again, if I could have learned how to pitch left handed when I was 7 I could have made a million playing baseball. So it goes.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since you chose to reconcile with your WW, what has actions has she taken to earn your trust? Is she committed to total transparency regarding no secret passwords and reporting her whereabouts 24/7, and providing you with the complete truth about her affair(s)? Or is she trying to sweep things under the rug and becoming angry with you to 'get over it'? If it this last one, then you made a big mistake in taking her back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

plenty

and I had a successful R so far


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

hurtbyher said:


> I would have waited before confronting my WW. I would have used a VAR and some programs to forward her texts and emails to me. I confronted too early and didn't get all the truth.


:iagree:

I could have written this part word for word. I would have installed Spy Agent on the laptop and desktop, installed mobile spy or mobilestealth on her blackberry, and got a couple of VARs for the SUV and the bedroom. One would think that having gone through this before, I should have seen the signs and taken appropriate action and done it properly this time. But nope. The first time this happened to me, it was so long ago, and was so traumatic at the time. I must have supressed the memory and completely put it out of my mind.

I must have been so out of my mind right after DDay, because I failed to look up any forums and seek advice. Instead, I followed the advice of a friend who hadn't yet gone through this; and he advised confront her right away. Yet, all I had initially discovered was her secret facebook account and his name since he was the only friend on the secret account. I didn't even have the password to the secret account until I cracked it a couple of months later. By then, everything had been sanitized. The blackberry only had one PM from OM, "just send in your application to our company". I only found out later by checking the Google search history, that she had been searching for information about immigrating to Canada where he is.

Lesson learned: *NEVER confront until you have positive proof that cannot be denied. Otherwise, you WILL get the denials, blameshifting, Trickle Truth, and gaslighting.*


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

morituri said:


> Since you chose to reconcile with your WW, what has actions has she taken to earn your trust? Is she committed to total transparency regarding no secret passwords and reporting her whereabouts 24/7, and providing you with the complete truth about her affair(s)? Or is she trying to sweep things under the rug and becoming angry with you to 'get over it'? If it this last one, then you made a big mistake in taking her back.


 She is transparent. I know where she is allways and she doesn't hide her phone. As far as the truth. I asked he questions of how many men how many times. She gave answers but I don't belive them. I have since learned of others. I have never brought it up to her. I would hope she would come clean but doubt that will happen. I am 99% sure of others. She was never angry or blamed me. We never talked about it past the first month or two.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

So far I think I did pretty good.

If I could change anything I would have not relied on my wife so much in the beginning to tell me the truth. At that time she was in the fog and she was only going to lie to me. The resulting trickle truth has made the situation worse than it needed to be.

I should have gotten the majority of my information from the OM instead…..who I do not love….and could care less if he can do things like eat solid food, talk, or even walk after I find out what I deserved to know.

Sorry, I have been left with some OM issues.....


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I would have asked if she would eat dinner with me and the kids. I would have never bought her an Iphone. I would have never suggested she start using facebook. I would have started logging her phone when she got mad about me asking she didn't spend all day while I was at work at another mans house. (not the one she sleep with) I would have made an appointment with another counselor when we had the fight about her spending all day at another mans house while I was at work. I would have kissed her more like when we was dating and first married instead of peck kisses because I thought she knew I loved her in that way. I would have never encouraged her to work at the Ymca. 

So many things I would have changed. If I would have known then what I know now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hurtbyher said:


> She is transparent. I know where she is allways and she doesn't hide her phone. As far as the truth. I asked he questions of how many men how many times. She gave answers but I don't belive them. I have since learned of others. I have never brought it up to her. I would hope she would come clean but doubt that will happen. I am 99% sure of others. She was never angry or blamed me. We never talked about it past the first month or two.


How do you know she does not have another phone? Perhaps prepaid?

Your instinct is telling you she's still hiding things. Build up the courage to not live this way. Else, you are wasting your life and potential which you can never get back.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

To HurtbyHer:

I do not know how you can live this way. I would insist on a polygraph since you know she is not telling you the truth. You are letting her off the hook by allowing her not to tell you the full truth. You also are sending a message to her that it is acceptable to never tell you the full truth. Stand up for yourself and insist on a polygraph and tell her you already know she is not telling you the full truth. What do you have to lose?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Nothing.

I did the best I could given the circumstances. I was cripled with fear and all of my logic was emotionally comprimised. As a result of getting blindsided by a nuclear bomb being dropped on my reality. Im sure I made mistakes.

I suffered all of the 'shell shock' symptoms, including post tramatic stress, paranoia, denial, panic attacks, fear, depression... through all of that I hope that I remained true to my goals and more importantly true to myself. I did not lower myself down to their level...

There are so many 'what if's'... no one can ever know what combinations of events or reactions would have resulted in achieving my goal of saving my family. Perhaps no combination of them? Maybe if I did this, or wouldnt have done that, or maybe maybe maybe... 

Doesn't matter. What I hope matters, is that I did what I could and more than most would. I think that my son could be proud of everything his father did to try and save his family. I'm only human. But, I walked away from this horror feeling more like the man I always hoped I was deep down.

For that, I wouldn't change anything. I wish it could have turned out differently, but I never had control over how things would end up. I did the best I could and then some. 

I think that's all any of us can do, our best given the circumstances.

sorry for the soap box... I was kinda talking to myself there... 

~Pit~


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

I also would have gathered more info. As others have said, the worst part of an affair (emotional anyway) seems to be the trickle truth...

It just draws it out longer than it needs to be. Better to rip it off like a band aid than to prolong the agony.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If I could go back to change the things I did wrong I'm not exactly sure to which point in time I'd go. All the way back to childhood?

I'm not going to fall into that nice guy trap of trying to hide my mistakes any more... there is no point in going back and undoing who you are because there would be nothing left of you. I am going to love myself because of and despite my mistakes.

I wish that she would have realized I am capable of actual change before burning the bridge behind her, but she didn't and pulled the trigger on the marriage instead. So be it.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

If I knew then what I know now, I would have handled d-day much more differently. Those were the natural feeling I had.

But I was in shock, confused, hurt, betrayed, going loco in the head. 

It wasn't until I found the forum and spoke to a very good friend that I realized, how I went about it wrong. That was close to 2 wks after d-day.

I was always Mr. Nice Guy, didn't care about how I was feeling. I only cared about how the W was feeling and others.

If anything good has come out of this crazyness it's that. No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I would have been less selfless... I would have trusted my gut from the start. . . I would have realized that I should have left my high school sweet heart in high school, not 15 years later. . .

But I'm growing as a human. My WW created a monster, meaning I have stepped out my own fog and I realize how unhealthy she has treated me...forever.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

13 years ago I would have done thing different. When my WW started her secret life, her lifestyle I should have turned the trash cans over, instead I took it as an oppertunity to get what I wanted.

13 years ago I told her to "never tell me" I didn't want to know or face the infidelity, in stead I took advandage of a very weak girl with low self estem for my own needs.

13 years ago I should have done all the things I did 20 month ago. I wish I could explain why I did what I did but for now I ....we both look at it as a blessing that it happened when it did. We did everything right this time and I guess thats what count.

20 month ago I was no longer going to define my life by what my wife was doing. It was easy for me b/c I was so used to doing things for me but this time it was for good. Healthier behaviors.

I wish I was mature enough so many years ago to see what I see now and why I see it this way.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I would have been more realistic. taken off the rose colored glasses. We (people) are all flawed and I should have known my wife was not any different. I would have been less trusting, more suspicious.
17 years ago I would have realised her insecurity was going to be trouble and would have looked elsewhere for a wife.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'd buy stock in Apple and Microsoft when they went public


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and if my comment seems snarky it's because I've used the imaginary time machine more than I'd care to admit. Yes, it's important to learn from our mistakes and share with others so perhaps they won't make the same ones but to dwell on those mistakes and live too much in the past hinders our future.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

The only thing I would have changed was D-day. I found all the evidence I needed that day but..... I took the day off and went to the PC. Saw her Yahoo was open so I took a look. I was floored. Read a little and went and bought a case of beer. (this was at 8:30 am) Spent a good part of the day reading and drinking. By the time she came home I had 18 beers in me. ( This was at 2:30 pm) It wasn't pretty at all. I wish I would have been sober when confronting her. But then again I had no problem whatsoever saying what was on my mind.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I would not have been so trusting. I would have better listened to my gut. I would have stuck by every demand that silenced it. I would not have believed that she was believable.


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## Seekinghelp28 (Jul 27, 2011)

I am the scumbag in our relationship(I will say although I never physically did anything, I am just as bad)...and although I am the one who hurt my wife...If I knew then what I know now I would have quietly and respectfully let her walk away when she should have, instead of fighting for her.... The behavior stopped she has 100% access to everything... but I am still not treating her the way she deserves (she is a great....no she is an amazing person) And she needs somebody that will give her everything she deserves and can share life fully with her side by side...I am sorry if I hijacked your thread a bit....but the reality is I understand it now ....you don't hurt someone who you are truly meant to be with...
She doesnt deserve you....period there is no justifying unfaithfullness, and there is nothing that will ever make it go away...unless she does...


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

Man I think nearly everyday the things I could have done different the sign that were there right in front of me that I was heading down this path of her finding someone else but I ignored them, not ignored just to comfortable to move forward, thinking she could never do this to me.

I read alot of posts and people mention we tried counseling we tried reconcile, well consider yourself lucky because I didnt get any opportunities to show that I could change, it was a note in my bag on the way to work about how we didnt connect and how she was leaving that night she left and wasn't till 2 weeks later I found she left for another guy and blame was shifted on me, had I never found the proof I would still be in the dark 4 months on blaming myself.

I found the only thing I can believe in is to try and move on I feel she will try wanting me back at some point although cant be really sure but if that day comes that will be the biggest challenge, I take my responsibility on the chin but in no way deserved to be treated the way I was by her, the only thing you can tell yourself is that you will become a better person and the next person you meet will appreciate you that much more because your more self aware depending on the avenue you take with trust issues.

I feel for my son the most, he never deserved this but the lights brighter at the end of the tunnel. I dont know if she will ever come face to face with the reality because she still believes she did the right thing by leaving me before anything happened then driving 10hrs the night of the break up to go see this guy..


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I wish I trusted my instincts and didn't accept my Exh's word when he told me "anyone can message you on Messenger". I was getting pop ups from his ex of over 20 years at 3 am her time. I would have used a key-logger and the other tools that are recommended here.

I would never, ever, have let him take the kids to Montreal to hang out with his friends for two weeks. He left them at a strangers house, stranger to them, his friends kid watched them. While he went out and had a ONS.

I would have insisted on him wearing his wedding ring, either on his finger or necklace.

I would have made him stay in MC even when he didn't like the the C was saying to him about his attitude and behavior towards me.

Mostly I wish I had found this site sooner than a year after Dday.

Can I add the winning numbers to a loto ticket in the multi millions?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

```
I wish that she would have realized I am capable of actual change before burning the bridge behind her, but she didn't and pulled the trigger on the marriage instead. So be it.
```
 Posted by Lon

I agree so much! I am now so much the man she would have wanted to be with. Trouble is she left that night to never return, filing for divorce within 48 hours. Her loss, as I am so better off without her, but sometimes wish she had tried.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If I were more mature then than I was then I would have been more mature. 

Yeah. People aren't that hard to figure out. What's hard is blinding yourself with your own bull**** and either not knowing or refusing to admit that what's in front of you IS bull****.


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