# Wife aiding ill mother out of town



## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

My wife getting upset with me because I can't be out there all the time. I go as often has he can get off 3 days off in a row and sometime go SAT-SUN. My wife states I am letting her down and she's disappointed in me. Mother in Law not will to move to our area. I am willing to move out to that area, but it takes a high paying job to be replaced in order to make it work. Hard to come by these days. (not to mention loosing my state gov't retirement that I'm 10 years into) My wife keeps stating she has no desire to come back to our area and plans to stay out there and if something doesn't change soon she'll want to call it "quits". 

Additionally we have a 13 year old daughter to is upset that her family is broken up and wants her mom to come home, but she demands to stay there, wanting our daughter to stay out there with her, my daughter want to stay at our home where we live. 

Wife won't even take any free time to enjoy herself when we're out there. A perfect example is we spend a lot of money for tickets to a Christian music event but Mom isn't willing to go as a family because she's under too much stress. To me going off with her family and being exactly that would be very beneficial. To take it a step further, our daughter has been talking for months about the event with excitement, my wife wants me not to take her and stay there with her or she will be upset. (Tickets are not transferrable to another person to take my daughter because they are VIP) I'm at odd to what to do... 

Any advise for me?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How ill is mother in law? How old is she? I would hate to uproot my entire life only to have her pass within a year. 

"Mother in law will not move to our area". Is that MIL choice, wife choice, or health procludes it? 

How far away is she? Why did she move away from her mother to your area in the first place way back when?

I assume your wife doesn't work, and is now taking care of MIL full time? Not reasonable of her to expect you to just give up your job as sole bread winner.

Let me ask you- is your wife running away from anything with you, and her sick mother is a golden excuse? Because she is putting you in an impossible situation - uproot your entire family and career or she will contemplate leaving you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Thanks for the reply and questions.
She's in her late 60's with terminal cancer and has been given up to a year. Her Dad and sister live there as well... as a matter of fact the family has been on ill terms for about 5 years and her moms illness brought them back together. The MIL doesn't want to move to our area due to lack of desire to change doctors. 
They are 6 hours away via car. We lived out in that area about 10 years ago, but actually none of them lived there at the time and claims she wants to move back there because she missed it. We did leave there because our company that we had at the time failed.

You are correct... I am the sole breadwinner. I have to admit I am wondering, as you put it a "golden excuse" for her. But we weren't having any issues prior to her mother becoming ill. I do feel like I am up against an impossible situation with a true setup for failure.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Be wary. We had a friend with a nearly identical scenario with his wife's mother. His wife spent large amounts of time "taking care of" her mother, and ended up hooking up with an old flame, cheated on hubby, and ditched him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Glad to hear you didn't have issues prior to MIL getting sick.

I'm not sure I would jump all the way to cheating at this point. I think she feels guilty that she was on bad terms with her family and now her mother is sick so she wants to spend time there. Reasonable, if not practical. Sounds like this issue will unfortunately resolve itself within a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Am I being unreasonable to think I should take my daughter to that event she's been anxiously awaiting? As well as also do everything I can to make my wife go and "get away" from being buried in caring for her mom?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No - not unreasonable at all. But your wife feels she needs to spend 24/7 caring for her mother and you aren't going to change her mind. Does your father in law or sister in law do any care-taking? Is your MIL bed-ridden? It's awful she has cancer but sitting by her side 24/7 isn't going to help her, and it's a detriment to her marriage and her primary responsibility - her daughter.

What you can control is what you find acceptable. This current situation is temporary and will be over sooner or later. 

Your wife can then choose to remain far away from her family, or move back home to her family. 

you can choose to uproot your daughter and career and move there or demand she return home.

The question will be are you willing to take an ultimate stand on this issue. Same question applies to her as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> My wife getting upset with me because I can't be out there all the time. I go as often has he can get off 3 days off in a row and sometime go SAT-SUN. My wife states I am letting her down and she's disappointed in me. Mother in Law not will to move to our area. I am willing to move out to that area, but it takes a high paying job to be replaced in order to make it work. Hard to come by these days. (not to mention loosing my state gov't retirement that I'm 10 years into) My wife keeps stating she has no desire to come back to our area and plans to stay out there and if something doesn't change soon she'll want to call it "quits".
> 
> Additionally we have a 13 year old daughter to is upset that her family is broken up and wants her mom to come home, but she demands to stay there, wanting our daughter to stay out there with her, my daughter want to stay at our home where we live.
> 
> ...


I lived this with my W. My W mother was diagnosed with cancer(age 50). Eventually died a year later. We spent every weekend at her folks house. Towards the end we spent the entire month there. I did what I had to do to in support of my W. 

As far as tickets to a show...stop muddling the issue with that. So your W is stressed and does not want to attend. I understand. You do not. Understand your W is going to watch her mother simply die. I can't put it any nicer than that. My W and I watched her mother gasp her last at her childhood home. Rock concerts can wait. As for your two children at that time, we did our best to make everything as normal as we could. Our kids stayed at grandma's. I did things with them as my W spent time with her mom. It is a crappy situation but your W needs support now in working through this.

You do everything you reasonably can to support your wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Be wary. We had a friend with a nearly identical scenario with his wife's mother. His wife spent large amounts of time "taking care of" her mother, and ended up hooking up with an old flame, cheated on hubby, and ditched him.


Get new friends. This one has bad issues.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> Thanks for the reply and questions.
> She's in her late 60's with terminal cancer and has been given up to a year. Her Dad and sister live there as well... as a matter of fact the family has been on ill terms for about 5 years and her moms illness brought them back together. The MIL doesn't want to move to our area due to lack of desire to change doctors.
> They are 6 hours away via car. We lived out in that area about 10 years ago, but actually none of them lived there at the time and claims she wants to move back there because she missed it. We did leave there because our company that we had at the time failed.
> 
> You are correct... I am the sole breadwinner. I have to admit I am wondering, as you put it a "golden excuse" for her. But we weren't having any issues prior to her mother becoming ill. I do feel like I am up against an impossible situation with a true setup for failure.



Possibly the best answer at this point is your daughter spending the week at your mother-in-laws. You at home to work. Visit on the weekends. We did that for a year concerning my W mother and terminal cancer. 

Welcome to putting life "on hold."

And realize this does not end the day mother-in-law passes. Support goes on each year. Specifically when the date arrives the day your W mother passed.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Get new friends. This one has bad issues.


So do I have this right? You advocate putting lives on hold to take care of a sick relative, but if you had a friend who experienced infidelity in their marriage, you would get rid of him as a friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I lived this with my W. My W mother was diagnosed with cancer(age 50). Eventually died a year later. We spent every weekend at her folks house. Towards the end we spent the entire month there. I did what I had to do to in support of my W.
> 
> As far as tickets to a show...stop muddling the issue with that. So your W is stressed and does not want to attend. I understand. You do not. Understand your W is going to watch her mother simply die. I can't put it any nicer than that. My W and I watched her mother gasp her last at her childhood home. Rock concerts can wait. As for your two children at that time, we did our best to make everything as normal as we could. Our kids stayed at grandma's. I did things with them as my W spent time with her mom. It is a crappy situation but your W needs support now in working through this.
> 
> You do everything you reasonably can to support your wife.


So, you're indicating you feel it's in my best interest to halt my daughter's life and she's not supposed to have any enjoyment for the entire time my wife's mom is sick? My wife needs a break too I think. Her sister (and sister's husband) and father are also there to help. She is not bed-ridden.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

mwb said:


> My wife getting upset with me because I can't be out there all the time. I go as often has he can get off 3 days off in a row and sometime go SAT-SUN. My wife states I am letting her down and she's disappointed in me. Mother in Law not will to move to our area. I am willing to move out to that area, but it takes a high paying job to be replaced in order to make it work. Hard to come by these days. (not to mention loosing my state gov't retirement that I'm 10 years into) My wife keeps stating she has no desire to come back to our area and plans to stay out there and if something doesn't change soon she'll want to call it "quits".
> 
> Additionally we have a 13 year old daughter to is upset that her family is broken up and wants her mom to come home, but she demands to stay there, wanting our daughter to stay out there with her, my daughter want to stay at our home where we live.
> 
> ...


Take your daughter to the show.

Take your wife up on the offer to call it "quits".


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Be wary. We had a friend with a nearly identical scenario with his wife's mother. His wife spent large amounts of time "taking care of" her mother, and ended up hooking up with an old flame, cheated on hubby, and ditched him.


very well put. Married but Happy has a solid point here


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> very well put. Married but Happy has a solid point here


Of course, there may be nothing to it, but if she resents that you aren't there more even if the expectation is unrealistic, she may be susceptible to someone who is (or appears to be). But, if she is abandoning the marriage for her mother, that is a serious issue that you need to consider. If she isn't committed to the marriage, you have a problem no matter what. IMO, she should focus on her mother when her condition worsens, not so far in advance. I think her commitment to your marriage is a lot less than is healthy going forward. Or, quit your job and go there - see if that works out when you have no job, no income, and no future!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mwb said:


> Am I being unreasonable to think I should take my daughter to that event she's been anxiously awaiting? As well as also do everything I can to make my wife go and "get away" from being buried in caring for her mom?


Take your daughter. It would not be fair for her to miss out just because your wife does not wish to go. That is HER choice. You get a chance at growing up (and us parents, WATCHING them grow up) ONCE. 

This is a tough situation. While I appreciate your wife's dedication to her mother, she is being unreasonable, in my opinion. It would not make sense for you to uproot your entire family when (sadly!) your MIL will likely end up passing within a year. I would advise that your daughter's wishes to not move there without you be respected. She is 13, she should get a say in where she stays. She would be miserable there because clearly your wife would not be an active participant in activities with her. Your wife should be placing a higher value on you both as her family, sad to say, and if she thinks so little of you and your life together then maybe she should go through with a divorce. I just cant understand it, that is a permanent solution to a temporary situation, things can continue as they are without a divorce. 

So sorry you are dealing with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mwb said:


> So, you're indicating you feel it's in my best interest to halt my daughter's life and she's not supposed to have any enjoyment for the entire time my wife's mom is sick? My wife needs a break too I think. Her sister (and sister's husband) and father are also there to help. She is not bed-ridden.


My take on it is that you take your daughter to the event. Let your wife know that you would love her to go as well since you and your daughter miss her and love her. Then accept whatever her decision is. 

There is no reason that you and your daughter have to cut all things out of your lives.

Since there are other family members to help take care of your MIL, your wife is being unreasonable. She should not be taking care of her mother 24/7. What your wife is doing is setting herself up for a huge emotional meltdown. Being a caregiver to that extent is a horrible drain on a person.

See if you can talk to your wife and her family about setting up a schedule that allows your wife to come home and have time away from taking care of her ill mother.

I personally would not allow a child of mine to go stay 6 hours away with a spouse who was acting the way your wife is acting. Why? Because she's acting like someone who is ready to end your marriage. Her threat that you have to give up the only stable means of support that you have for your family and jump through her hoops is ridiculous.

Me? I'd see a lawyer ... to make sure your wife does not pull anything that would move your daughter look like she is living 6 hours away at your MIL's.


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## Values (Jan 21, 2016)

mwb said:


> So, you're indicating you feel it's in my best interest to halt my daughter's life and she's not supposed to have any enjoyment for the entire time my wife's mom is sick? My wife needs a break too I think. Her sister (and sister's husband) and father are also there to help. She is not bed-ridden.


 If she is not bed ridden and has other family members for support, then your wife not coming back home, and the demands that she is making of you and your daughter is bull. She is doing a power play. Time to put your foot down and demand that she lives part of her time at home with you and her daughter. Also, it is unreasonable for her to demand that you move there away from where you have a job, when her Mom will be dead in a year anyways. There is more going on than her mom being sick and you need to find out what is really going on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mwb said:


> My wife getting upset with me because I can't be out there all the time. I go as often has he can get off 3 days off in a row and sometime go SAT-SUN. My wife states I am letting her down and she's disappointed in me.


How long has your wife been staying at her mother's to be the care taker?

What is your MIL and other family members doing. why aren't they helping?




mwb said:


> Mother in Law not will to move to our area.


If your MIL is not willing to move, then it means that she is not all that much in need of the help your wife is giving her. Believe me, if she was dependent on your wife, she would do what she could to make sure she had a care taker.



mwb said:


> I am willing to move out to that area, but it takes a high paying job to be replaced in order to make it work. Hard to come by these days. (not to mention loosing my state gov't retirement that I'm 10 years into) My wife keeps stating she has no desire to come back to our area and plans to stay out there and if something doesn't change soon she'll want to call it "quits".


Your wife has lost focus on a very basic fact of life. The ONLY reason that she can take all this time to take care of her mother is that you have a good job and are supporting her and your child. You might want to remind her that you are support her by keeping your current, good job to allow her time with her mother. Otherwise, she can go out and find a good paying job so that you can quit yours.

There is something else going on with your wife, she does not seem to be all that much into you, your daughter and your marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Aw come on guys and girls! The wife's mum is dying!! Of course she's not behaving rationally - her mum is dying! She's grieving, sad. When my dad was dying I spent as much time with him as I possibly could, and stopped working (with hubby's blessing) to help mum care for him at home. Though I didn't live 6 hours away, if I had, I likely would have been there at least a couple of weekends a month.

It's only natural that she would want to spend time with her mother while she's still well enough to do so. 

I don't feel it's fair or reasonable for their daughter to miss the concert - things should be kept as close to normal as possible for your daughter during this time. If your wife doesn't want to go, that's her choice, but your daughter shouldn't miss out.

I understand that it's exhausting to be out there every weekend, but it's not forever OP...

I also think that it's unreasonable to expect you to just uproot everyone without a fair and rational discussion - and that won't be possible right now because your wife's judgement is clouded.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't destroy your lives because MIL may croak at any minute. After she dies, you all will be stuck there. It's your wife's choice to stick by her mother. What happened to sticking by her husband and child? It is extremely selfish for her to not want your daughter to enjoy the music. It's also selfish for her to just move in with no intent of leaving until the death. Her family members may like a break from her. 

It sounds sick, but your wife seems to be using her mother's illness to try and create one big happy family. She also may not be all there mentally due to grieving.

Take only time off work that you are entitled to. You are supporting your family and your wife has to understand this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

frusdil said:


> When my dad was dying I spent as much time with him as I possibly could, and stopped working (with hubby's blessing) to help mum care for him at home. Though I didn't live 6 hours away, if I had, I likely would have been there at least a couple of weekends a month.


 The OP's wife only going there "at least a couple of weekends a month" would make the OP and their daughter very happy. As it stands now the OP's wife is living with her parents and does not come home at all, and expects the OP to go there every weekend. With OP's mom living with her husband and other siblings, it does not make sense that she do this. With her mom not bed ridden, it is too early for the wife to be ignoring her marital, parental, and other responsibilities, to be in full death watch mode. At this stage of the illness, the wife is being ridiculous. Something else is in play and the mom is just being used as an excuse. She overplaying the my mom is dying card, knowing the the husband is too nice a guy to dare challenge it. BTW: I have had a family member die of cancer, so I know what is normal on this.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Some good advice already.

Ill add that OPs wife needs to realize that life doesnt stop for the living. Its very hard when loved ones die. But they do. I have no grandparents left on my side. Havent since I was about 30. My father passed away when I was 31. So I have experienced losing loved ones. You wish they were still here pretty much every day.

But life does go on. 

Its fine for OP's wife to feel guilty about her relationship with her mom prior to being sick, and to want to spend as much time as she can with her now.(though its sounds like she is going overboard) But to ask Husband and daughter to stop their lives completely? To even ask quitting a job and moving? Ridiculous. And as others have said there is more to that story.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

While it is sad that the OP's wife's mother is dying, she is neglecting her primary responsibilities as wife and mother. _Leave-and-Cleave_ also applies to wives.

OP's MIL has a husband, DD and son-in-law living with her who can, and should help. I doubt the DD and son-in-law are paying any rent or doing much to help. Most likely the OP's wife is the oldest and everyone expects her to do everything all the time.

Expecting the OP to quit the family's only source of income and drag the DD along to the OP's wife's mother's place is not only unreasonable but downright stupid.

Yes, it is sad the OP's wife's mother is dying but the OP's wife should honor her primary responsibilities.

My spidey senses tell me that even when the OP's MIL dies, his wife will have more excuses to "have to" stay - take care of her father, her sister and everyone else but her husband and DD.

IamSomebody


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> While it is sad that the OP's wife's mother is dying, she is neglecting her primary responsibilities as wife and mother. _Leave-and-Cleave_ also applies to wives.
> 
> OP's MIL has a husband, DD and son-in-law living with her who can, and should help. I doubt the DD and son-in-law are paying any rent or doing much to help. Most likely the OP's wife is the oldest and everyone expects her to do everything all the time.
> 
> ...


Actually to add to this... the MIL is actually living at the Daughter/Brother-in-laws home, not the daughter/BIL living with the ill mother. Their is definitely more support than just my wife.

Any unfortunately, your "spidey sense" is aligned with mine regarding the post passing of the MIL


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long has your wife been staying at her mother's to be the care taker? *A month at this point.*
> 
> What is your MIL and other family members doing. why aren't they helping?
> *Yes, the sister and my wife, and Father in Law all contribute*
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> So, you're indicating you feel it's in my best interest to halt my daughter's life and she's not supposed to have any enjoyment for the entire time my wife's mom is sick? My wife needs a break too I think. Her sister (and sister's husband) and father are also there to help. She is not bed-ridden.



Yes I do. I have been there. Both daughters lives were not on hold. We made due. Both made it to school and activities. We did our very best to make all normal. Life for them went on. They survived. 

Yes, my W needed a break as well. I would take a day off from work and take over. It's what families do. One time my W slept close to 20 hours she was that exhausted. 

Keep in mind your MinLaw may not be bed ridden but I can assure chemo will take it's toll. If your MinLaw can not fight the battle soon hospice care will be called. The entire family will work to keep MinLaw comfortable. Even so much as administering morphine. It might be all good right now but aggressive cancer/chemo will debilitate your MinLaw. 

Let me tell you, the last 3 months of my MinLaw life was spent bald, blind and on morphine. What we once new as mother and mother-in-law was no more. I was certainly glad my W could spend the previous months with here mother when she was in a cohesive state of mind.


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes I do. I have been there. Both daughters lives were not on hold. We made due. Both made it to school and activities. We did our very best to make all normal. Life for them went on. They survived.
> 
> Yes, my W needed a break as well. I would take a day off from work and take over. It's what families do. One time my W slept close to 20 hours she was that exhausted.
> 
> ...


I do understand where you are coming from; however, MinLaw is over 6 hours away. There is school for my daughter and being 6 hours away makes it difficult for me to step in; however I also need to say the MIL is living with my wife's capable stay at home sister and her husband and well as my father in law. My wife isn't the only one providing care.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> So do I have this right? You advocate putting lives on hold to take care of a sick relative, but if you had a friend who experienced infidelity in their marriage, you would get rid of him as a friend?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes, put our lives on hold. As far as your friend hooking up while caring for a dying relative...that person has issues. As I understand it the friend, while caring for the dying, hooked up. Is that correct? Is it me or do others see an issue here?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> I do understand where you are coming from; however, MinLaw is over 6 hours away. There is school for my daughter and being 6 hours away makes it difficult for me to step in; however I also need to say the MIL is living with my wife's capable stay at home sister and her husband and well as my father in law. My wife isn't the only one providing care.


Ok, my suggestion is to finish the school year. Plan on your daughter to spend summer at her grandmothers with mom. Or as much as possible for both to stay there. It is obvious your lives are 6 hours away from MIL. You come on the weekends when time allows. It is a tough situation no doubt. I understand but I was much closer to my W folks house. But, in hindsight I would still support my W as much as I could in a similar situation as yours. You know why? Because eventually we only have each other after our folks pass. 

You are in hard place right now. It will get harder. I understand there are others taking care of their W and mom. But, realize all need a break from the care, as well as, the inevitable. From my experience the care will become 24/7s and can go on for months until that one day the call for the ambulance to help MIL and they do not send one. I had to work it as best I could to let my W spent time with a coherent mother. I would suggest you do your best. Not sure if your folks are alive but one day you might be in the same situation. How would you like to spent those last few months with your parent?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Thinking back to 15 years ago while caring for my W and her dying mother, there was a momentary lapse of reason from my W. It was to move to her mom's house and care for her. Eventually reason did prevail and a sense of normalcy for all involved became evident. My W understood that our kids needed that normalcy. 

Has this diagnosis of cancer just become resent?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

As sad as it is that one life is coming to an end life goes on and your daughter needs to be out there living it to the full and that includes this concert and all other activities that a healthy happy childhood needs, My other concern is that once her Mother dies then she still wont be home for you or the daughter and she is being unrealistic expecting the 6 hours drive when there is schooling and employment issues she has to remember she is a Mother and wife now and has to be there for you and her daughter also, As another poster pointed out keep an eye open for ex lovers or guys in her friend zone making a move as they may appear more supportive/sympathetic.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Aw come on guys and girls! The wife's mum is dying!! Of course she's not behaving rationally - her mum is dying! She's grieving, sad. When my dad was dying I spent as much time with him as I possibly could, and stopped working (with hubby's blessing) to help mum care for him at home. Though I didn't live 6 hours away, if I had, I likely would have been there at least a couple of weekends a month.
> 
> It's only natural that she would want to spend time with her mother while she's still well enough to do so.
> 
> ...


Someone who gets it!!!! Death. Has a finality about it, no? The OP W is certainly distraught. Specifically if this diagnosis is early in the discovery. As time goes on and the reality sets in I believe the OP W will come to grips with said reality thus making rational decisions. That is my hope for the OP. It was what occurred with my W but not to such a rash craziness as experienced by the OP and his W.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

D.H Mosquito said:


> As sad as it is that one life is coming to an end life goes on and your daughter needs to be out there living it to the full and that includes this concert and all other activities that a healthy happy childhood needs, My other concern is that once her Mother dies then she still wont be home for you or the daughter and she is being unrealistic expecting the 6 hours drive when there is schooling and employment issues she has to remember she is a Mother and wife now and has to be there for you and her daughter also,


The OP W is allowed to navigate her mother untimely demise as best she can. If OP is not there supporting his W as best he can(even with the unrational stuff) his W may very well not return but at the end of the day the OP W will realize she has a daughter too that needs her mom. W will also realize there is a H doing his best to accommodate all. If she does not then what was there to save in the marriage at all?


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Thinking back to 15 years ago while caring for my W and her dying mother, there was a momentary lapse of reason from my W. It was to move to her mom's house and care for her. Eventually reason did prevail and a sense of normalcy for all involved became evident. My W understood that our kids needed that normalcy.
> 
> Has this diagnosis of cancer just become resent?


Yes approx 6 mo ago.


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> The OP W is allowed to navigate her mother untimely demise as best she can. If OP is not there supporting his W as best he can(even with the unrational stuff) his W may very well not return but at the end of the day the OP W will realize she has a daughter too that needs her mom. W will also realize there is a H doing his best to accommodate all. If she does not then what was there to save in the marriage at all?


I am definitely supporting her, I have made the 6 hour trip 4 times in 4 weeks. That I have no problem with. My concern is she is making demands that I quit my career I have and move there as quickly as possible all while threatening if I don't do it soon she doesn't make any promises about staying married to me. That is the true part I have issues...seems very unreasonable, even in a time of grief.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> Yes approx 6 mo ago.


If we are doing the math your MIL has about 6 months. If you MIL treatment was like mine MIL, she has about 3 month of coherency. As the cancer progresses and the chemo takes it's toll, the likelihood of the last 3 months a non-coherent MIL is a good possibility. My MIL spent here last 3 months on morphine and bed-ridden at home.


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> W will also realize there is a H doing his best to accommodate all. If she does not then what was there to save in the marriage at all?


Yes...that is where my mind keeps leading me as well. Is there more than the MIL's illness in play here?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> The OP W is allowed to navigate her mother untimely demise as best she can. If OP is not there supporting his W as best he can(even with the unrational stuff) his W may very well not return but at the end of the day the OP W will realize she has a daughter too that needs her mom. W will also realize there is a H doing his best to accommodate all. If she does not then what was there to save in the marriage at all?


Yes he should support her it's her other behaviour/attitude that is a concern such as give up job etc


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> I am definitely supporting her, I have made the 6 hour trip 4 times in 4 weeks. That I have no problem with. My concern is she is making demands that I quit my career I have and move there as quickly as possible all while threatening if I don't do it soon she doesn't make any promises about staying married to me. That is the true part I have issues...seems very unreasonable, even in a time of grief.


At this juncture you are doing the best you can. It is unreasonable for your W to make these demands. She may play this manipulative route but you are in a position to promise you may not be there when the funeral is complete. Where will your W be then? Without a mom and husband. Welcome to a larger hole in hour W life.

Your W is not being rational. Have you spoken about this with your FIL?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> Yes...that is where my mind keeps leading me as well. Is there more than the MIL's illness in play here?



Test the waters. Advise you may not be there when all is said and done concerning MIL. Think about this before you make the statement and really mean it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

D.H Mosquito said:


> Yes he should support her it's her other behaviour/attitude that is a concern such as give up job etc


This is irrational crazy talk. Maybe a dose of reality is in order. The land of the living keeps on living. This includes H and daughter. Bills need to be paid. Life goes on. The OP W is not grasping this. 


I also sense this is situation the W can not control. Meaning the cancer. It is out of her control.


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## mwb (Mar 21, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> At this juncture you are doing the best you can. It is unreasonable for your W to make these demands. She may play this manipulative route but you are in a position to promise you may not be there when the funeral is complete. Where will your W be then? Without a mom and husband. Welcome to a larger hole in hour W life.
> 
> Your W is not being rational. Have you spoken about this with your FIL?


Actually I have, he was inquiring about her pushing to move there. My answer to him was, I am not against it; however, everything needs to line up, I won't do anything without being fully vetted as the best thing to do for everyone involved. My state retirement plays a strong part, maintaining a gov't position is pretty much essential at this point; therefore it adds a level of complexity because job search is very focused. (starting a career over is not an option at 47 y.o.) He agreed with everything I had to say.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

mwb said:


> Actually I have, he was inquiring about her pushing to move there. My answer to him was, I am not against it; however, everything needs to line up, I won't do anything without being fully vetted as the best thing to do for everyone involved. My state retirement plays a strong part, maintaining a gov't position is pretty much essential at this point; therefore it adds a level of complexity because job search is very focused. (starting a career over is not an option at 47 y.o.) He agreed with everything I had to say.


I agree with everything you have to say as well. How may your FIL help in this situation? Your FIL might have to have his daughter listen to reason. Can he talk to his daughter about it? For the life of me, I do not understand how your W can dump this on her father at this time in his life as he prepares to lose his W. Much of this appears to be very selfish on your W part. 

If your W is in this kind of irrational thinking at this juncture I do not what to see what occurs at the final time.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mwb said:


> My concern is she is making demands that I quit my career I have and move there as quickly as possible all while threatening if I don't do it soon she doesn't make any promises about staying married to me. That is the true part I have issues...seems very unreasonable, even in a time of grief.


 Grief or not, you are right it is more than unreasonable. Grief does not give her the right to bully you. It does explain her telling you that marriage to you means so little to her. You need to meet her bullying, with strength. Tell her that you are more than willing to do what is reasonable in her time of need, but that she needs to still act like your wife and like a mother. That she does not get to dictate to you where you work and where you live just because her mom is dying. Tell her that her threatening divorce is out of line and that if she thinks so little of you that she would talk this way, that you will not stop her from filing for divorce. Tell her that not only will you and your daughter not be moving there, but she needs to be spend time at home.

Something else is going on. Do not send your daughter there for the Summer or your wife may enroll her in school there and file for divorce. This would leave you in a bad situation legally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Her demands don't make sense ?

Maybe it is grief but maybe there are other factors in play here. Home town means usually old ex-bfs come into play. Just observe the situation a bit more.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

mwb said:


> I am definitely supporting her, I have made the 6 hour trip 4 times in 4 weeks. That I have no problem with. My concern is she is making demands that I quit my career I have and move there as quickly as possible all while threatening if I don't do it soon she doesn't make any promises about staying married to me. That is the true part I have issues...seems very unreasonable, even in a time of grief.


You are absolutely supporting her OP. Her demands are unrealistic and unfair. I don't have any advice to help but I want you to know that I hear you 



mwb said:


> Actually I have, he was inquiring about her pushing to move there. My answer to him was, I am not against it; however, everything needs to line up, I won't do anything without being fully vetted as the best thing to do for everyone involved. My state retirement plays a strong part, maintaining a gov't position is pretty much essential at this point; therefore it adds a level of complexity because job search is very focused. (starting a career over is not an option at 47 y.o.) He agreed with everything I had to say.


Can FIL talk to your wife? She may just take notice of what he has to say, because she sees him as being in the same position as her?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

TRy said:


> Something else is going on. Do not send your daughter there for the Summer or your wife may enroll her in school there and file for divorce. This would leave you in a bad situation legally.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may need to forewarn your daughter of this possibility and advise her how to handle it. Speak to a divorce attorney where you live and find out your rights and responsibilities as well as those of your daughter.

I'd also strongly advise you to speak, free consultation, to as many shark-like divorce attorneys where your ILs live and discuss your case. This will prevent them from being able to represent your W.

IamSomebody


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