# My husband and pot..



## Volcom21

Hi! I decided to share my story on here since I feel really lost, sad and frustrated so I'd like to get some advice on this..

ok so I am 23yo I met my husband online over 5 years ago, our relationship is hard since Im from france and he's from Canada but this September everything got perfect, I got my PR in Canada.

When I met him he was this perfect guy coming out of nowhere that i've been looking for this whole time. 
But he never told me he smokes weed.. And I've always been against it, my brother is a cop, my mom is against it, that's the way I've been raised.. And i always hated it i can't really explain why..
When i was in Canada for 6months, I caught him when he stunk like it real bad and he lied about it.. and ever since he lied about smoking it.. I didnt think it was like a habit or anything he knew i wasnt gonna accept this and he said he'd stop and I thought he would and I caught him again and again and again.. but i kept falling for it.. we got married august 2011 anyways. but right now we are at a point where he does it and he won't care he said he will do it wether im ok with it or not.. He doesnt smoke everyday i dont think but still he could be lying .. but id say couple times a week maybe.. usually out with brothers or friends, so everytime he goes I think he's gonna be high coming back home..
I hate the fact that I had this vision of him and feel like he tricked me because he knew i didnt like it and he hid it from me to have me.. and he lied so much about it.. He keeps telling me that it relaxes him that he can get away from all the stress that way.. But I don't get it, I never had sympathy for weed smoker and now turns out my husband's one of them.. We fight over it every single time he smokes.. I'm getting so tired of it and so is he and I'm so tired and hurt that I'm actually thinking of separation.. I tried to let go but I just can't its stronger than me everytime I picture him smoke it's like a big stabbing in the heart. I feel betrayed and I feel like the perfect guy I met is gone.. He told me I have to deal with it and if i can't we have to figure out something cause he won't stop so.. And since we've been fighting for couple years about it and we both can't find a way.. I've never thought of separation that much since the last couple days.. I don't know what to do I love him to death but when this happens I hate him so much!! I'm so lost frustrated and tired..
I might sound childish about this whole thing but I try and try not to care so much but I can't, I don't see him the way i used to.. And i'm trying to be happy for now but I cant because i know he will smoke weed again and a big fight will happen and I'll be the hurt one since he won't care to stop..


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## Lionlady

I smoke marijuana, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it in moderation. It's certainly not any worse than alcohol. But I don't think it was right for your husband to lie to you about it. If it's that big a deal to you he should not smoke or be high around you. I'm not really sure why you feel SO strongly about pot in general, but I do think that a grown up who gets high several times a week is smoking a bit much, just as I would say that a grown up who gets drunk several times a week with his buddies might want to refrain a little. 

The issue here seems to be less about marijuana and more about honesty in your relationship and respecting each other.


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## ScarletBegonias

Lionlady said:


> I smoke marijuana, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it in moderation. It's certainly not any worse than alcohol. But I don't think it was right for your husband to lie to you about it. If it's that big a deal to you he should not smoke or be high around you. I'm not really sure why you feel SO strongly about pot in general, but I do think that a grown up who gets high several times a week is smoking a bit much, just as I would say that a grown up who gets drunk several times a week with his buddies might want to refrain a little.
> 
> The issue here seems to be less about marijuana and more about honesty in your relationship and respecting each other.


Yes.This:iagree:


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## Mavash.

Volcom21 said:


> we got married august 2011 anyways.


Why oh why did you marry a lying pot smoker?

For the record smoking ANYTHING is a deal breaker to me.

I won't put up with it for one day. Period end of story.

I don't like cigarettes nor any illegal drugs.


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## 2galsmom

To each his own.

You married someone with different values than yourself. People who smoke pot do not want to be made to feel badly for it, but do you know what Volcom21? You should not be made to feel badly for being against it if that is your choice and your belief.

You married a bold faced liar, THIS is a major problem. What are the odds he only lied about the pot? Why did he lie about the pot?

When you compromise your values for a mate you end up compromising yourself.

Coming to an Internet message board and asking about pot will only result in pot smokers defending themselves and their advice will be more about themselves and their choices and values than yours.

Be strong. You know you have a problem and I can assure you, even if you get on the pro-pot bandwagon your problem of a lying spouse will not be solved.

I suspect you are young, and I also suspect that there are other "visions" of him that you hold now that will come to prove false. I would do a careful introspection of yourself and take a real look at him in the "light" before you invest any more years in this man.


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## ScarletBegonias

FWIW,I don't think people who are against weed should be made to feel badly about it any more than those who are ok w/ weed should be made to feel badly about it.

Like the others said,you married a liar.If he wasn't lying about weed I'm sure he'd be lying about something else instead.

If I were you I wouldn't believe anything this man tells you without verifying first.


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## Mavash.

For the record I have nothing against people who smoke pot or cigarettes.

I just don't want to be married to them. 

I also wouldn't marry a drinker either. I'm a health nut so it's a compatible issue more than anything.


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## 2galsmom

It is highly unlikely Volcom21, that his smoking pot is the ONLY thing he is lying about, please take this as a huge waving red flag to reflect and make some serious decisions.


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## LorenzoP

It doesn't sound like he's going to stop, and even in the future it could get more frequent depending on whether he smokes it for stress. This is a hard situation as he lied to you but then again, you believed him (or hoped he would not lie). This is natural. When people have bad habits they usually tell their partners they will "quit" since it causes friction, but in reality, quitting is harder than it seems. Can you talk to him about when and why he smokes? What kinds of situations are they? Does he smoke to cope with stress? (bad sign) Or is it more like someone who has a casual drink? Don't know if I am being helpful here but good luck dealing with this!


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## Yolandi

Do you think his pot smoking is keeping him from reaching his full potential, or are you just upset about him keeping it from you?


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## Clay2013

I used to smoke pot. I stopped 7 years ago. I do like it and I do wished sometimes I could go back but I can tell you this. It was the best decision I ever made leaving it behind. I work In IT. Pot does not help in anyway for this kind of a job. I work around a lot of people that still smoke pot. I honestly don't think they really have a clue how much it affects them or there work. If you can not get him to turn around and stop for you then you need to move on. I changed for me and My kids. The point in time when I stopped is when I filed for a divorce and kept custody of my 4 kids. It was extremely difficult but If I can do it I am sure your mate can as well. He just has to want it bad enough. 


I hope you can make him see how you feel.

Clay


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## Pinkharley

My husband was not going to smoke pot after marriage, I never asked him to quit. However, he stays late at working every night, works 6 days a week, and the minute he calls on the way home he sounds stupid, he walks in the door with red eyes, stinks and tastes like an ashtray, ( brushing your teeth only helps for a few minutes) and he eats, showers, puts pjs on and sinks into the sofa to fall asleep watching tv or falls asleep on the iPad browsing for new things to buy. The days he doesn't smoke he's snappy. If he wants to smoke I can't stop him, but I don't feel pushing his affection on me is fair. There are many issues besides the pot. His lack of participation in any kind of intimacy , I feel married to an 85 yr old man. I'm so incredibly bored. I'm a stay at home wife , since our marriage and he wants a personal servant at home waiting for him. I moved away from my loving family to be with my husband and his desire for money and pot smoking takes precedence over me. I'm not a prude. As much as I dislike our lifestyle , there is no moderation. There is no intimacy and every promise made before the marriage has been broken. He is lazy in bed, he works to late to ever do anything around the house. He lies to my face every night . All I say after his hello kiss is PU! Then he goes on to tell me he didn't smoke, I'm starting to get more active in church because I'm lonely, and have nothing to look forward to except life in Gods kingdom. Cocaine was made by God too , does that mean it's ok to use it. Of course not. Potheads do live in a dull haze. When I was young I did it too, I grew up. If my husband said I hate coffee breath, I wouldn't drink it. Marriages don't succeed with selfish attitudes. I wish I wouldn't have bought the lies or left my family for this life and pray everyday for god to help me deal with it and not to be a contentious wife. Intimacy is much more than the ACT of sex. I'm sick of hearing I love you, and the once a week it's time for sex speech. When you have a normal healthy marriage with intimacy, sex is a normal part of it. I cry a lot and I get angry sometimes. I tell him if you wanna have mJ before you come home, just leave me alone. It's that simple. I'm not attracted to the stoner husband at night. I got married to have a partner, this is not a partnership. It's a shame I have to go out and start over, find a job, make new friends....it won't go over well when I do. But what choice is there? I'm sick of living in the void. I don't want a divorce.


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## jay1365

I still toke up now and then, and its no big deal. The two deadliest drugs in the world, alcohol and nicotine, are legal while the others are not. What you should be upset about is being lied to. When we got married, we both smoked. Then my wife quit and started getting on my case about it. A mild bait and switch, if you ask me.


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## Arctic

I have the same problem with my boyfriend, except he never lies. I can ask him anything and even though he doesn't want to tell me he will because he doesn't like to sugar coat anything. He smokes pot... which I totally get your perspective, I can't stand weed either, he does it and it bothers me deeply. I've been really thinking about this and so should you can you live with any of it in your life at all? Will he compromise with how much is done? Has he lied to you about anything else? Will the compromise affect either of you farther down the road? Hope you can solve it and stay together and if not well lets just say you'll find someone better.


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## someonehurting

I just ended my engagement for the same reason. he lied about it for 3.5 years and then decided to tell me that he was going to do it if he feels like doing it regardless of how I feel about it. He wanted to know why I was so against it and I told him because I dated a stoner before and I hated it. The funny thing is that he would never date a woman that smokes... major double standard. since I’ve ended it, I have had deep regrets because this is the man that I truly love and believed that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I have been working with a counselor to get past this but because I kicked him out and gave back the ring he wants nothing to do with me. He won’t even speak to me at all. reading this post made me feel a little better because at least I know I’m not the only one in this situation. Even though I hoped he would stop it appears that most likely he will not.


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## HuggyBear

Volcom21 said:


> But he never told me he smokes weed.. And I've always been against it, my brother is a cop, my mom is against it, that's the way I've been raised.. And i always hated it i can't really explain why..


"...that's the way I've been raised.....I can't really explain why..."

That last line makes it all clear... same thing you hear from people who are in insane religious cults, generational physical and mental abuse, and racists... a significant insight, I might add.

So while he was high, he was awesome, as long as you didn't know. Until you scratched the paint on the masterpiece, you couldn't see the insignificant layer underneath.

He never told you... did you ever ask way back then, when he was seeing you most likely high, as he gets high whenever he goes out?

You didn't say it affects his personality, that he's spending money on it, or that it's affecting his job. 

You just don't like the smell of his choice of "relaxant", for a reason you can't even elucidate. Would you like him to visit a psychiatrist/psychologist? Perhaps he could get on something truly debilitating or personality-changing, to suit you better.

If he could use it without a smell, I already know that wouldn't be enough... but you don't even truly know when he's high or not, unless you smell it.

I'm sorry, I can't see the forest for the marijuana plant in the way.

Just to be clear, my wife hates that I smoke pot. I don't do it (or even drink anything stronger than beer or wine) in front of my kids. I don't smoke in front of her. Even if I'm completely "baked", I can still do quite complex mental and physical tasks on my sober par (her own discovery, not mine - she "tests" me sometimes).
She has a flaw, too... she works in financial services, which involves separating people from their money, savings, and retirement investments. I did not know this before we were married. I try to overlook this in my relationship to what I thought was the "perfect" woman.

Of course, I'm "breaking the law" (hurting nobody, not even myself) and she's "making a living" (doing something legal, and seemingly accepted by society).

You need to figure out what really matters between you and your husband.


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## ScarletBegonias

HuggyBear said:


> "...that's the way I've been raised.....I can't really explain why..."
> 
> That last line makes it all clear... same thing you hear from people who are in insane religious cults, generational physical and mental abuse, and racists... a significant insight, I might add.
> 
> So while he was high, he was awesome, as long as you didn't know. Until you scratched the paint on the masterpiece, you couldn't see the insignificant layer underneath.
> 
> He never told you... did you ever ask way back then, when he was seeing you most likely high, as he gets high whenever he goes out?
> 
> You didn't say it affects his personality, that he's spending money on it, or that it's affecting his job.
> 
> You just don't like the smell of his choice of "relaxant", for a reason you can't even elucidate. Would you like him to visit a psychiatrist/psychologist? Perhaps he could get on something truly debilitating or personality-changing, to suit you better.
> 
> If he could use it without a smell, I already know that wouldn't be enough... but you don't even truly know when he's high or not, unless you smell it.
> 
> I'm sorry, I can't see the forest for the marijuana plant in the way.
> 
> Just to be clear, my wife hates that I smoke pot. I don't do it (or even drink anything stronger than beer or wine) in front of my kids. I don't smoke in front of her. Even if I'm completely "baked", I can still do quite complex mental and physical tasks on my sober par (her own discovery, not mine - she "tests" me sometimes).
> She has a flaw, too... she works in financial services, which involves separating people from their money, savings, and retirement investments. I did not know this before we were married. I try to overlook this in my relationship to what I thought was the "perfect" woman.
> 
> Of course, I'm "breaking the law" (hurting nobody, not even myself) and she's "making a living" (doing something legal, and seemingly accepted by society).
> 
> You need to figure out what really matters between you and your husband.


ROFL OMG this post cracked me up. I loved it:iagree:


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## heyheyitschrish

Lionlady said:


> I smoke marijuana, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it in moderation. It's certainly not any worse than alcohol. But I don't think it was right for your husband to lie to you about it. If it's that big a deal to you he should not smoke or be high around you. I'm not really sure why you feel SO strongly about pot in general, but I do think that a grown up who gets high several times a week is smoking a bit much, just as I would say that a grown up who gets drunk several times a week with his buddies might want to refrain a little.
> 
> The issue here seems to be less about marijuana and more about honesty in your relationship and respecting each other.


^100% :iagree:


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