# I feel like I am stuck on a roller coaster and dying to get off!



## Heavy Heart (Oct 4, 2012)

It has been 6 weeks since D-day and this is my first attempt at reaching out to talk and am not sure what I am even hoping for. 

History: We are HS sweethearts, but didn’t marry for 11 years. Married for 8 years with 2 children under the age of 7.

At first, my WH told me that he was just being supportive to a friend of a friend who was going through a D of her own. It took 2 weeks for me to put it together that there MUST be something more to it all. I had had a surgery on a Friday, on Sat, he told me that his friend got an off roading vehicle fixed and he wanted to go for a night drive. I asked him to stay home and take care of me, that I needed him. He told me that I didn’t need him, I just wanted him home. He went out anyway. In the morning, his phone rang and he slept through it. I was mad that it woke me up (since medicinal sleeping is sketchy I had just fallen asleep) and looked at his phone (totally unrelated phone call to all of this by the way). I looked through his prior calls and he had never been called by his off roading fried. He did get a call from a number I didn’t recognize. I confronted him about where he was and he immediately started to lie, telling me that his friend actually texted him and he deleted the texts (which he never deletes by the way!) I said that he did not have a record of deleting any texts, then he switched to telling me that his friend facebooked him. I countered with, you’ve not been on fb for 2 days. He said that it was all set up days ago and that he just forgot to tell me and then just remembered (at 8:30 at night?)! After about an hour, he said that he didn’t want me to keep digging, wasting my time (I had sent a text to his friend asking how the off road vehicle was doing – knowing that it was probably still broken), that he was with this OW, but that it was not what I think, that she was going through a difficult time and that he was trying to counsel her through it. He said that he never touched her except for a couple times when she started crying, he hugged her. I don’t know why, but I just accepted this and tried to move forward. 2 weeks later, I checked his fb account and saw some messages between him and another friend (who was blasting him for his behavior with this woman), and my husband referred to the OW as his mistress. My AHA moment (Oprah would be proud)!
I sent him an IM that we need to talk, he proceeded to IM me over fb and I told him that I preferred to wait until he got home from work. He continued to argue with me over fb and I just repeated, “You don’t call someone you just ‘talked’ to a MISTRESS!” over and over and over. Finally, he writes (on fb!) that they did other things. Be specific I replied, “We had sex”. Those words stopped my heart. It was one thing to suspect, but to see in cold hard letters, such an undisputed admission that violated everything I thought I knew was like getting sucker punched in the gut. I was glued to my seat. I could not even raise my hand to turn off the computer and walk away. He kept IMing his apologies, regrets, commitments to make things better. I could do nothing but cry. I was alone, my heart in a million little shards.

I told my parents, but not his parents because his own parents have a history of infidelity and I didn’t want to have them relive that pain. Eventually, he came home from work and told me that they had had sex (4 times-once in OUR home!-over the period of about 4 weeks). He also told me that 10 years ago, when I broke up with him because I was tired of being a perpetual girlfriend, he slept with this person. He has this entire set of friends who don’t care for me, so I don’t want to spend time with them. He has this whole separate life without me. If I had known the he has slept with this cheap snake in a Wal-mart sundress before, I would have never let her anywhere near my family!

He said/says all the right things, that he is truly remorseful, committed to change, committed to making our marriage better, stronger. But I feel like these are all just words. I am just trying to get though each day without crying, but he just seems to be going along with life. I am in so much pain, I feel like I am in the middle of a hurricane and he holds the lifeline, but won’t throw it. He has taken me out twice for Date Night, but then wants to just coast on those efforts. I told him it is the little things that I need all day every day. That if he has time to play video games and be on the computer looking up football stuff and off roading crap, then he has time to make his marriage better. He doesn’t argue with me, but still nothing changes. 

2 days ago, we were on our way home from work (we work together but at different buildings/tasks) and I asked him a question about his work. He wanted me to clarify the question and I asked him how to do that. He said that there were different categories that could answer the question, and that I needed to be specific. I told him that I could not possibly know what categories would answer my question. However, this was a HUGE TRIGGER for me. I was snapped all the way back to that morning on the couch having to drill with surgical precision exact questions in order to get information. If I don’t ask the RIGHT question, then he doesn’t have to answer it and therefore is not actually lying?!??!?! I completely shut down and stopped talking altogether. I have been crying non-stop for 2 days. That night, I took off my rings to play softball, and quite frankly didn't remember to put them back on. They were laying on the side table downstairs. I am lying in bed (avoiding him) last night, and he stomps into the bedroom demanding, "So that's it then?! We're done?!?" I asked him what he was talking about and he said he found my rings and that means I want a divorce. I told him i took them off for softball, he just said 'oh' and walked out. Now HE is giving ME the silent treatment! I am so angry with him. I can't stop crying, and he can't see past his own pride to be a real husband, I am married to a petulant child.

I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual sadness. I guess this is just as much of a rant as a request for advice, support?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

First off, I'm sorry you're here. Its tough having to come online for support and advice, but it can definitely help as its helped myself and others here so please use this website as a resource. 

Marriage Counseling.

Also he needs to give up all passwords to everything. Facebook, email, all that crap and he needs to keep his phone unlocked and available for you to see his phone any day, at any time, non negotiable. 

His friends sound like enablers. They most likely knew and covered for him(off road buddy probably if hes using him as an excuse) so you need to identify which ones and have them dropped from both of your lives permanently as they are toxic to your marriage.

Also he needs to get tested for STDs like yesterday. No telling what that skank may have had.

Also figure out about the other woman. Does she have a husband or boyfriend? If so he needs to be informed immediately with copies of texts, phone records, emails so you have proof. 

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU'RE DOING THIS if you haven't already. He can warn her and then she can concoct a story to her man about some crazy woman she ran into at someplace whose been spreading lies and doing all sorts of things.

To bring the slvt to your home, thats a huge lack of respect for you and the marriage. Just because he says he ended it doesn't mean he has or isn't thinking about rekindling it later and going underground with it.

From now on your creed with him in all things is 'trust but verify'. You can verify with the access to all his electronics and communications I advised earlier in this post.

How dare he get upset. You need to quickly put him in his place. He cheated hes on blast, not you. Don't accept his passive aggressive rages. Whether you divorce or not is up to you, and if you don't feel comfortable in your marriage, you don't have to wear the ring.

Above all though, you two direly need marriage counseling because even though you're trying to reconcile you're resenting one another and thats a quick recipe for false reconciliation.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Heavy Heart said:


> I told my parents, but not his parents because his own parents have a history of infidelity and I didn’t want to have them relive that pain.


It is not your responsibility to shield his parents from the consequences of their actions. If it becomes otherwise indicated to tell his parents, tell them despite their own infidelity history. If they feel pain, it is their own cause not yours.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi HH sorry you here I think that you should determine or decide if you want to Divorce or Reconcile your marriage. Once you make that decision then it is easy to advise which steps to take. Either way I feel you should be working on yourself and doing things that you like to do maybe start working out or exercising and taking care of your children if you have any 

Good Luck


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi HH, I'm sorry you're are going through this. Your husband sounds very immature and selfish. He has Broken his vows and he's mad at you??? If he is serious about reconciliation and rebuilding our marriage, with everything he has done, he needs to be very humble and transparent. You need marriage counseling right away. Make sure your counselor holds him accountable for the infidelity before working on what you need to work on. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem as though he would be committed to humbling himself and giving up some of his freedom. But he needs to be that sorry and love you that much.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

I'm so sorry, HH ~what a painful discovery! 
I agree with Kasler~ marriage counseling has the most potential to help you guys work this thing out. I hope your husband is willing to go...but even if he isn't...I hope you will. Let us know how you're doing, k? Hugs!


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

wow...you are stuck as long as you allow him to drive. HE cheated ...HE needs to do some serious work here. HE needs to open up and stop the immature behavior. if HE really wants to work on the marriage then HE needs to answer all your questions and stop the games. 

You are on a roller coaster now..still in shock too mainly because you are not getting cooperation from him. you can't do this on your own and you certainly can't do this with him behaving like he is.

This is not your fault. He doesn't sound like someone who wants to work things out
Sounds more like he just wants it to go away.

are you sure about N/C? 
Do you have access to all his accounts?

You need to get some counseling for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heavy Heart (Oct 4, 2012)

Hi All! Thank you so much for your suggestions and support. I am in a much better place today. I realize I haven't put in much information between d-day and now. 

I have all passwords and logins. I am certain of NC. Turns out the OW (who is in the middle of her own divorce) was making other husbands feel "special" too.. Fog gone.

His friends (even the off-roading buddy) were all clueless. He kept it a secret. He said he knew it was wrong-as he put it, "a sexual low point", and was lying to everyone. He definitely cheated down! The OW is friends with a mutual friend (how they met in the first place), the OW and mutual friend got in a fight, and the OW blabbed everything to her. This is how is circle of friends found out and started flaming him via e-mail for the A. Turns out, they actually did like me and (I have these e-mails saved) were calling him a f***ing d**k for doing this to me.

Speaking of which, I made him get a STD test immediately. 

We have been going to counseling together, as well as taking a marriage class through our church. I am not feeling the counseling is beneficial, since it really is just telling us things we already know, but the marriage class is really speaking to us. I want my marriage to work, I really do, but I don't even know how to start getting over this mushroom cloud.

My problems are more of a Jekyll and Hyde type of WS. One moment he is down on his knees, crying his heart out, begging me to forgive him, promising to do anything to make the marriage work; then a couple of days later, when I am having a bad time, he is distant and pulls back into his shell. He tells me that he doesn't know what to do for me, but when I tell him that doing NOTHING is always the wrong thing, he gets frustrated and asks what he should be doing. I DON'T KNOW! I did not come equipped with the cheating husbands manual!

Shoshannah, you are right about him being selfish and immature. He is an only child and uses that as an excuse for not knowing how to relate well. I tell him that he is a grown man and to stop blaming his immaturity on anything other than his own selfish nature. He has promised to work on this.

Thor, I appreciate this input. You are absolutely right. His parents may have to deal with their situation again, but I think it is important for them to realize the example they set for their son was followed. And it threw a grenade into my family.

My husband actually stayed home from work today so that we could talk this one out. It was a rough morning, but we made some serious course corrections, am I am so much more hopeful that we are moving in the right direction. Only time will tell if the actions follow the promises, but the hope is definitely still there!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

The R (reconciliation) is a difficult for every couple but there is so much good information out there, here on TAM specifically. There are newbie threads at the top of this forum that will provide you with good information. Not all of it will apply of course but much will.

Have you ever read anything about passive aggressive personalities? Take a peek online, there is tons of stuff. I get the feeling your husband may fall into this group and, if so, it is an insight you could use.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I would suggest you stop talking to him now. You have to make the situation deliberately worse for him to get all the problems to the surface. Don't try to smooth talk things, or let him do that.

When he breaks and will be remorseful he will be committed to work on reconciliation. Let him do the work. Only then you come in.

Meanwhile inform yourself on these forums. Have yourself coached through this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There are some good books out there which might help both of you. The one I read and liked is "After the Affair". Others are recommended on this forum frequently, too.

Some STDs need time before they show up in tests. Herpes should be retested at 16 weeks. Some places say 12 weeks is enough but 16 is better. HIV should be retested at 6 months. During this time if you are intimate with him be sure to be very careful not to get exposed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This is how is circle of friends found out and started flaming him via e-mail for the A. Turns out, they actually did like me and (I have these e-mails saved) were calling him a f***ing d**k for doing this to me.


He has some wise friends. 

I hope you can start to feel better. It's horrible. Although I was cheated on, I do not know how horrible it must be to accidentally discover your wife or husband's infidelity while the affair is going on. That must be so horrible.

Oops. That post was too 'horrible', by far!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sorry you find yourself here. It isn't your fault, and it is not fair. You will probably be on the rollercoaster for a long time, but eventually things will start to even out.


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