# I am about to leave my wife....



## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs. 

When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:

1) Bite my lip and ignore it. This is the past of least resistence but it does not feel good to bottle it up inside of me.

2) Stand up for myself and voice my displeasure knowing it will lead to a massive days long fight, sleepless nights, screaming in front of our kids etc. She will never admit she is wrong. She has not apologized to me once in the 5 years we have been together. She rarely thanks me for anything. Things get heated in these fights and lots of very nasty insults are exchanged.

Lately, there has been a new twist. After the fight she has punishes me by buying 30k worth of jewlery each time. This has now happened twice. While I do decently well, this is a lot of money. I am totally outraged and flabbbergasted about this behavior. Its disrespect at the highest level in my opinion. So every time I stand up for myself, it will cost me 30K? Has anyone ever heard of such a thing?

I am strongly considering filing for divorce this week. The only thing holding me back is my 2 young kids but do I want them growing up seeing my wife walk all over me all the time? 

Should I do it? The disrespect is totally insane if you ask me. Thanks in advance for your input.

-Very Confused Father.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So does she not work? I imagine not with two little ones.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

Correct, she does not work.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

$60000 in jewelry? That’s crazy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

veryconfusedfather said:


> Correct, she does not work.


Did she do anything before you were married to make you think that she was a gold digger? Was she always wanting gifts and all that?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What do you mean by “disrespect”?


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did she do anything before you were married to make you think that she was a gold digger? Was she always wanting gifts and all that?


No, not really. She likes nice stuff but family was first and foremost to her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

veryconfusedfather said:


> No, not really. She likes nice stuff but family was first and foremost to her.


Well it sort of sounds like she may be planning on leaving anyway and taking jewelry with her. Sounds like you better get an attorney and lock down finances right away.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What do you mean by “disrespect”?


I believe this behavior is very disrespectful to me. Its not a way for a wife to treat a husband.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

veryconfusedfather said:


> I believe this behavior is very disrespectful to me. Its not a way for a wife to treat a husband.


I’m sorry, my question was unclear. Would you mind providing specific examples of what you are calling disrespectful behavior? I’m attempting to get a picture of the situation you’re facing.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?


I am 44. She is 37


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m sorry, my question was unclear. Would you mind providing specific examples of what you are calling disrespectful behavior? I’m attempting to get a picture of the situation you’re facing.


1) This behavior.
2) She never thanks for anything and I work hard to povide an amzing life.
3) She belittles the places we have lived even though they are some of the best areas in the world. 
4) She hates my family for no reason and she has a hard time getting along with anyone in my life.

Those are the core issues.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did you marry her?


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Why did you marry her?


Things were great and all of this disrespect came about after we were married.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

veryconfusedfather said:


> 1) This behavior.
> 2) She never thanks for anything and I work hard to povide an amzing life.
> 3) She belittles the places we have lived even though they are some of the best areas in the world.
> 4) She hates my family for no reason and she has a hard time getting along with anyone in my life.
> ...


So you don’t feel she is grateful enough to you?


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you don’t feel she is grateful enough to you?


I do not need praise every day, but once in while it would be nice if she said, "thank you for that amazing vacation." or any thanks once and while would be nice.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

veryconfusedfather said:


> I do not need praise every day, but once in while it would be nice if she said, "thank you for that amazing vacation." or any thanks once and while would be nice.


She cares for your children all day every day. I assume she cooks and cleans as well. Do you thank her?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How long did you date? How long married?


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She cares for your children all day every day. I assume she cooks and cleans as well. Do you thank her?


I thank her all the time and I encourage her to get help, cleaning service and I want to eat out as much as possible to make it easier for her.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> How long did you date? How long married?


Dated for 2 years, married 3 years.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

veryconfusedfather said:


> I thank her all the time and I encourage her to get help, cleaning service and I want to eat out as much as possible to make it easier for her.


And when you express that you are feeling unappreciated to her, she starts fights and then spends large amounts of money? Have you considered counseling?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

veryconfusedfather said:


> Things were great and all of this disrespect came about after we were married.


Yeah, I'm not buying that. People don't just suddenly change unless they have a brain tumor or doing drugs. You saw the red flags and decided to marry her anyway. Then you decided to make babies with her even though she was like this. Now you want to bust up your kid's home because you don't like the way she treats you. Man up and put a stop to this crap. No way is a spouse spending that kind of money on jewelry and you just sit and take it. 

She doesn't thank you for working hard? Who is she, your mommy? Go dump your wife's purse and find your balls.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Yeah, I'm not buying that. People don't just suddenly change unless they have a brain tumor or doing drugs. You saw the red flags and decided to marry her anyway. Then you decided to make babies with her even though she was like this. Now you want to bust up your kid's home because you don't like the way she treats you. Man up and put a stop to this crap. No way is a spouse spending that kind of money on jewelry and you just sit and take it.
> 
> She doesn't thank you for working hard? Who is she, your mommy? Go dump your wife's purse and find your balls.


Thanks for the butt kicking. I have tried to not take it. It gets worse and worse. She does not back down for anything.


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## veryconfusedfather (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> And when you express that you are feeling unappreciated to her, she starts fights and then spends large amounts of money? Have you considered counseling?


That's exactly right and we have not done counseling.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

snowbum said:


> $60000 in jewelry? That’s crazy.


Bye bye woman.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

veryconfusedfather said:


> I believe this behavior is very disrespectful to me. Its not a way for a wife to treat a husband.


There’s a binary approach here that might indicate rebellion against a perception of disrespect on your part towards her. You’ve “gone nuclear” without seeming to have had border skirmishes first.

Have either of you had individual counseling? Have you ever talked about where you’d like to be, 5, 10, 25 years down the road? Was it planned to get married and instantly start a family?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Can you get a hold of this jewelry and return it to get your money back?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you made a mistake. Fix that.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Yeah, I'm not buying that. People don't just suddenly change unless they have a brain tumor or doing drugs. You saw the red flags and decided to marry her anyway. Then you decided to make babies with her even though she was like this. Now you want to bust up your kid's home because you don't like the way she treats you. Man up and put a stop to this crap. No way is a spouse spending that kind of money on jewelry and you just sit and take it.
> 
> She doesn't thank you for working hard? Who is she, your mommy? Go dump your wife's purse and find your balls.


That was downright rude!


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...





veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...


Have you been to marriage counseling? Has your wife ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder or taking medication for depression, bipolar, have addiction issues, etc.?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

This screams borderline personality disorder to me. You're in for a rough road if you stay and she doesn't seek treatment.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

first and foremost, LOCK DOWN YOUR FINANCES so that she can't go out and spend 30k (or even 3k). Second, return that jewelry or at the very least SELL it. I would certainly try to get her to go to counseling...


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## PhilWynn (8 mo ago)

I suppose nobody should tolerate this attitude. You deserve better!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Yeah, I'm not buying that. People don't just suddenly change unless they have a brain tumor or doing drugs. You saw the red flags and decided to marry her anyway. Then you decided to make babies with her even though she was like this. Now you want to bust up your kid's home because you don't like the way she treats you. Man up and put a stop to this crap. No way is a spouse spending that kind of money on jewelry and you just sit and take it.
> 
> She doesn't thank you for working hard? Who is she, your mommy? Go dump your wife's purse and find your balls.


Actually, in cases where women marry violent men, changes happen usually exactly when a commitment is made. Marriage is the first, and pregnancy is another, when a partner is legally locked in. The changes are usually immediate. No drugs or brain tumour involved. In domestic violence situations, the victim will always say, ‘everything was ok until right after the wedding’.

While she’s not a violent person, this behaviour is fairly classic abuse, not just disrespect. So she’s not interested in your life or you as a person at all, wants more and more and more, and rages when you try to discuss issues.

Key thing I notice is how the victim ends up doing the apologising. As the genders are reversed here, you’re having to do the masculine version of buying a lot of jewellery to make her feel better. (The female will always believe she did something wrong, apologise and try harder).

I currently know a man who’s been doing just that. Sexless marriage, screaming rages from a complaining spouse every time he tries to ask her to maybe show affection or cook or let him see his friends. Somehow it ends up that he feels guilty and buys HER jewellery to make HER feel better.

So assuming you’re not being violent yourself, or cheating, you may be best leaving as you have planned.

How is she with the kids, and can you tell us more about how come she doesn’t like your family or any of your activities? What does she do in her spare time? Does she have long-term close friends?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you don’t feel she is grateful enough to you?


He did not say that.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Can you get a hold of this jewelry and return it to get your money back?


The problem with jewelry purchases, is that you will be lucky to get a fraction of what she paid for it back...

I doubt it will get any better, OP....

The problem you have right now really isn't her....its the two little kids you have brought into the world with her...You can move on from her, (from what little you have given us, she sounds pretty awful), but these kids will remain, and you have at least a few decades to be concerned about it...Despite what a lot of people make you believe, divorce is very tough on kids...

Many guys in your same situation decide to stay, disconnect themselves, somehow come up with a plan to at least get the kids to a point where they aren't so traumatized by the upheaval and such...But then if there is a lot of fighting and arguing, that may not even be an option...

A lot of guys(me included) wouldn't touch a woman that treated me that badly, but just out of curiosity, are you guys still sleeping together and being sexual??

A lot of decisions to ponder, but don't get walked on...stand up to that crap and don't tolerate it..


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> This screams borderline personality disorder to me. You're in for a rough road if you stay and she doesn't seek treatment.


That's what I'm thinking too, but this is also just a 1 person perspective without knowing the full picture. But assuming HIS story is accurate (3 sides to every story), then I would 100% agree this looks like BPD or if there are 2 young children, post-partum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...


Why on earth have you so recently had children when you knew what she was like. Now 2 babies are going to have a dad who walks out on them poor little things.

As for the jewellery, I just can't fathom anyone wasting so much money on a piece of jewellery. That's a years wages for some people.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

You waited too long to stand up, and now instead of confronting things, you'd rather walk away. You should have stopped this the first time she bought expensive jewelry. She should have to return it.

You should also either remove her access to your accounts or set it up so no large purchases can be made without your agreement. Maybe just have a household account that she can access for necessities and not keep a lot in there. 

How can anybody think doing that is okay?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

veryconfusedfather said:


> Things were great and all of this disrespect came about after we were married.


Yet you went on to have another child despite this.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Talk to a lawyer and see how you can protect your finances. I can't imagine spending 60k on jewelry! Maybe it's time to split finances and stop giving her access to all the money. 

What are you arguing about to get her so resentful and spend so much money? This kind of behavior is scary and dangerous for your future. She might use your kids to hurt you.

I think it's a good idea to find a counselor and help her understand it's not ok to purposefully hurt you after an argument. This is not normal. There's something going on with people who can't move on without hurting others. I would agree with others saying she might suffer from borderline personality disorder or some kind of postpartum depression. How is she with others? Does she have friends? How's her relationship with her parents and siblings?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I know a man wife who stated buying expensive jewellery every time she caught her husband cheating


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why did you ever reward her for the crap that’s going on?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...


There's the obvious answer to this, don't give her the money to make such frivolous purchases. If your paycheck goes to the joint account, redirect it to your personal account. Give her a heads up "one more time I see you pull your stupid crap, you'll be on an allowance" and follow through with it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...





veryconfusedfather said:


> 1) This behavior.
> 2) She never thanks for anything and I work hard to povide an amzing life.
> 3) She belittles the places we have lived even though they are some of the best areas in the world.
> 4) She hates my family for no reason and she has a hard time getting along with anyone in my life.
> ...


No, the jewelry expenditures are pretty extreme. A husband and a wife, really should have a budget and a set of agreed upon financial goals. The two of you really need to establish a family budget and establish boundaries. Spending that much money on jewelry for herself should have been beyond any agreed upon budget. That kind of expenditures on something that has no real value to the family, is financially sabotaging the marriage by your wife. She needs to understand that she has seriously damaged the marriage by her actions. You need to understand that the two of you should have come to agreement on budget and finances at the start of your marriage.

Now as to your "two choices." Biting your lip may be appropriate until you learn how to probably discuss problems in your marriage. Many don't know how to properly discuss problems in a marriage. It sounds like you are one of those couples. 

Now as to the disrespect, that is not really disrespect. It sounds more like you are grasping at reasons why you should divorce her. Yes, financial sabotage of your marriage is a good reason, the the others, not so much.

Deciding to walk out on your marriage before you try counseling, is probably just going to cause you more heart ache down the road. You do need to learn how to structure a marriage and a marriage counselor may help you and your wife establish reasonable boundaries and teach the two of you how to communicate, negotiate and even "argue" in a constructive way. Yes, get yourself and her into marriage counseling. I am sure that he will comment on the jewelry purchase.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

veryconfusedfather said:


> Lately, there has been a new twist. After the fight she has punishes me by buying 30k worth of jewlery each time. This has now happened twice.


Oh for crying out loud, that is simply dumb..... on YOUR part. That second time was entirely YOUR fault for not putting the smackdown on it and cutting off access to the money after the first time. 

I've been married 26 years and my wife has not had access to one single cent of mine since day one. 

If you insist on having an unemployed spouse, then you give her a card with a reasonable limit that she can use for food and necessities and reasonable stuff and if she blows the monthly limit on stupid stuff then she learns what being broke is. 

Honest question here - do you (or should you) lock up her mood/anxiety/psych/depression medications also to keep her from getting getting into her meds and taking more than what she is prescribed? 

People that do stuff like this with money will often do the same with the psych meds as well when they get stressed or triggered.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

veryconfusedfather said:


> 1) This behavior.
> 2) She never thanks for anything and I work hard to povide an amzing life.
> 3) She belittles the places we have lived even though they are some of the best areas in the world.
> 4) She hates my family for no reason and she has a hard time getting along with anyone in my life.
> ...


She sounds like a diva, but I mean, you HAD to have noticed that before marrying her, didn't you? They're usually right up front and boisterous about it -- and grabbing gifts.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you don’t feel she is grateful enough to you?


There is actual, overt ingratitude. Criticizing where they've lived, even though nice, because it didn't meet her expectations? When most are happy to have a decent place to sleep?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> There’s a binary approach here that might indicate rebellion against a perception of disrespect on your part towards her. You’ve “gone nuclear” without seeming to have had border skirmishes first.
> 
> Have either of you had individual counseling? Have you ever talked about where you’d like to be, 5, 10, 25 years down the road? Was it planned to get married and instantly start a family?


Sorry, but unless this guy is wealthy, taking $60k IS already nuclear.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DTO said:


> There is actual, overt ingratitude. Criticizing where they've lived, even though nice, because it didn't meet her expectations? When most are happy to have a decent place to sleep?


Tell her to get a job and buy her own stuff. Then not only will she have what she wants but she won’t have to prostitute herself for it.


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## Overthelonleyness (8 mo ago)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...


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## Overthelonleyness (8 mo ago)

veryconfusedfather said:


> My wife of 3 years (together 5 years) have the potential to have an amazing life with our two beautiful babies (2 years and another one, 4 months) , When things are good they are good. The issues is my wife is very disrespectful to me. I read an article about 20 signs of a disrespectul wife. She hit on 13 of the 20 signs.
> 
> When she is disrespectful, I am left with two choices:
> 
> ...


She sounds immature and entitled. Child support will be cheaper than her dropping 30K each fight. She sounds like she may have some resentment/anger towards you? Have you done anything to her in the marriage? Cheated emotionally or physically. Usually when woman act like that they don’t know how to deal with hurt emotions so they become petty and childish.


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