# How to let go of the hurt?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone.
Some of you know my story.
Very briefly, H and I been married nearly 19 years with 3 children. H and I are in R after his 12 month EA turned PA with a co worker. We have been in R for nearly 4 months now.
Things are going really well and we are well on the way to a successfull R.

We now have complete transparency, no blameshifting, no gas lighting, H doing and saying everything he needs to for us to move forward. Our relarionship is getting back to a very good place  .

However...... I have moments of extreme sadness that hit me like a bolt out of the blue. There are times when i lay in bed and i feel overwhelmed with the hurt and upset he has caused me. #it makes me so sad to think about the lies he told me, and all the times he said he didnt love me anymore. It just makes me feel so incredibly sad.

I have spoken to him about this a few times and he also struggles with this part of the A. Hes says he ALWAYS loved me and never stopped but that he was in turmoil and confused. He had apologised profusely for the lies and the hurt he has caused and i believe him. He says he is going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He is so loving and attentive towards me now, like he was before the A, and its wonderful, but the hurt is still there.

I dont think there is any more he can do to help me heal as far as this part of my recovery is concerned. I feel i have to do this for myself. He knows he hurt me and he is truly sorry, i just need to find a way to move past it. I realise some of it was the A Fog, and i also think he suffered some sort of MLC, but it still hurts.

I have forgiven him, and i want to let it go. I dont want this awful year we have been through to define our marriage and define who we are as a couple. But there are times when i just want to say to him "you really hurt me" "do you know how much i am still hurting?"

Any suggestons on how to let the hurt go?
Thankyou my friends
xx


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I wish I could take the pain away..it is hard... I am going thru that myself..good days and bad days..how can I still be with someone that hurt me willingly..not once but twice at least...

I don't know some days what I want.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is not easy.

For me, it took a lot of time.

I think that it my case it was probably easier for me to deal with as my wife actually told me she was going to embark on an affair, so there was no unexpected discovery of an affair.

Also, it transpired that my wife is actually a High Functioning Asperger's, so that does result in some behaviour that is a little bit unusual.

If you are still hurting, tell him. But make sure you tell him you still love him.

Counselling might help. NLP can be very beneficial.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks both.
H and I were always very close before his A. Very tactile and loving. This has now resumed and our closeness has returned. We are very loving towards each other. When i am feeling vulnerable i will go to him and just sat something like "i need extra cuddles today", thats kind of our code that im feeling vulnerable. I think our closeness is one of the reason i feel so hurt though. I was so absoulutely shocked and devastated when i found out about his A because it was so totally out of character for him and there are times still when i cant believe what he did. Maybe that just makes it harder for me to heal? 
Does that make any sense at all!! :scratchhead:

What is MLP?
Im in IC. Got my last session on Friday
X


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I am right there with you! I just typed up 3 pages of questions that have been burning in my brain for answers, even though I know they would not do US any good, but at least knowing them I would not wonder any more. We are going into month 4 of R soon, and for the most part things have been going well - husband is very remorseful and knows he hurt me and what a horrible thing he did (this was the 3rd time) and we had 5 DDs from this one. I did not know about #2 until this one. 

We are doing better, but yes - I want to just scream at him sometimes and tell him that he does not even begin to understand just how much he hurt me. I would have loved to stay in bed and cry for a month after, but I had to be strong for he sake of our children and my job. I have maybe only a handful of days that I have not cried since DD 1, even when things are going good. Sh** just pops in my head for no reason. I talk myself through it, and when I am in the car alone, I will swear at him loudly - telling him what a POS he is for doing that - not the best to do when you are in R in person


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Thanks both.
> H and I were always very close before his A. Very tactile and loving. This has now resumed and our closeness has returned. We are very loving towards each other. When i am feeling vulnerable i will go to him and just sat something like "i need extra cuddles today", thats kind of our code that im feeling vulnerable. I think our closeness is one of the reason i feel so hurt though. I was so absoulutely shocked and devastated when i found out about his A because it was so totally out of character for him and there are times still when i cant believe what he did. Maybe that just makes it harder for me to heal?
> Does that make any sense at all!! :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


NLP is Neuro Linguistic Programming. It help retrain the way the mind works. 

Good for phobias, etc.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I think time is the key.

And of course how remorseful and compassionate the WS is towards the BS's pain.

I too am incredibly sad for what has been stolen and what has been lost.

And I probably will be for a very long time.

But I also know that my H, if he could, would change it all in a heartbeat. And that he is also sad for what has been destroyed by his A.

We are 9 months into R. Recovery takes 2-5 years.

It's like recovering from a death. It's going to take a long time for the hurt and the sadness to lessen.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Zanna said:


> But I also know that my H, if he could, would change it all in a heartbeat. And that he is also sad for what has been destroyed by his A.QUOTE]
> 
> H tells me the same. He says that he can hardly bare to think about how much he hurt me and he wishes he could just go back and change everything!


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Well, as much as we want them to, they can't change what has been done. I know it's frustrating. I get very sad and very angry still but it's a process.

It's not one I want to go through but I have to none the less.

Just take one day at a time and know that you're not alone.


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## 2ndchanc81370 (Jun 13, 2012)

Yes, I believe TIME is the key to heal all. 

It's been two years after I learned of my husband's affair with my friend. I think this made it more difficult. After everything has been said and done, I was left with a searing pain, self-doubt, insecurities and a whole lot of mistrust. It took time. 

Healing only happens when you are willing to let go and forgive. the intensity of the pain will dull with time. Good luck.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

wow. good luck.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

it will take long time. take it step by step. be strong woman


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Firstly you need to acknowledge your pain and hurt, then you need to take a headfirst plunge into the thick of it, go on have a good bawling session, sob your heart out and then you need to accept the fact that its happened.After that consciously try to control your thoughts from going there, because thoughts directly influence our emotions and start redirecting them elsewhere


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

I'm with you so much on this one Daisygirl, (sounds so very similar too but my husband had EA only). Despite all that he does, and that is pretty much all I could ask for - total transparency, open discussion, MC, access to everything that I ask, loving and attentiveness and obvious distress at what he has done to us/me - I still have those horrible days where I feel sick at what he has done.

It is almost like I can't believe it really, as I felt that we had something good and ok, so nothing is perfect, but as a couple we were honestly tighter than so many people that we know, the shock was huge. Thing is, the shock was huge for him too, he cannot honestly imagine that he would let someone in but the constant emails & fishing almost didn't seem real. He feels such a fool and weak for his behaviour.

Hang on in there, I remind myself that he is doing as much as I can ask for and more. Talk and talk, spend dates together and plan nice times to look forward to. There are no 100% guarantees in any aspect of life so take each day as it comes and it does seem to be getting better for me (5 months now).


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Oh, and read and talk here lots! It has helped me beyond belief. Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends has been a godsend too, again recommended by the lovely peeps on here!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

messeduplady said:


> Oh, and read and talk here lots! It has helped me beyond belief. Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends has been a godsend too, again recommended by the lovely peeps on here!


Hi and thanks for your support.
I have recently purchased this book as i had seen it recomended. I agree, it is a good book BUT it has made me trigger like crazy and has opened a lot of old wounds. I have skipped most of the begining now and have gone straight onto the chapters that concerntrate on healing.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone.
> Some of you know my story.
> Very briefly, H and I been married nearly 19 years with 3 children. H and I are in R after his 12 month EA turned PA with a co worker. We have been in R for nearly 4 months now.
> Things are going really well and we are well on the way to a successfull R.
> ...


It's been 4 years since my wife had an affair, and our story was much the same. It was EA with coworker then turned PA one time, and then I found out. She has, and is still doing what she is supposed to. I still have some very bad days and nights. I have times that I wonder if I can continue. It gets better with time but not as good as I think it should be. I just wonder if it will ever get to the point that I don't have the times where it feels like it just happened. For me that is what makes it so hard, and I start questioning if I can ever get past it.
I know this probaly doesn't help, but everyone is different. Good luck with yours!


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi and thanks for your support.
> I have recently purchased this book as i had seen it recomended. I agree, it is a good book BUT it has made me trigger like crazy and has opened a lot of old wounds. I have skipped most of the begining now and have gone straight onto the chapters that concerntrate on healing.



:iagree: Oh yes - it isn't bedtime reading for me, unless I feel like a sleepless night, but it does have some very sensible advice once I get past the painful truth bits  X


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