# a wasted life



## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

I married at 16 33 years ago, pregnant and have hung in there doing the best I could to bring up 2 kids. Bla..... I have failed miserably and feel now like my life has been totally wasted. Husband has served his time in this relationship as the provider of our essential material needs.That is where it starts and ends. Like a fool I have wasted my entire life thinking that and hoping for a time when he would rise above this self appointed role and actually enjoy being part of a family. Well it never happened. I am stuffed, no skills, no confidence, no assets, no value. We have not shared a bed for over 6 years now and for the rest of the time it was less than a pleasing experience. I have foolishly spent my entire life being made to pay for the fact that he has stayed with me. So what do I do now? I sit down in front of the tele all day every day, smoke myself to death and have little to no desire to see another day emerge. NO.. I am not suicidal but it would be nice if a fatal accident would happen my way. I could leave him in a heartbeat but what would I do then? There is not enough in joint assets for me to be able to establish even the most meeger existence. Oh yeh! I should say that I know I should count my blessings because he is a provider and doesn't drink,smoke or belt me about. I am 50 years old and every day is a long long long day. I am not depressed, I am just sad, lonely and empty.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im so sorry miturn. You do sound very depressed. Im sorry about your kids. i dont know what happened there, but i guess it didnt go well. i think my mom feels like a failure in that area, too. Have you thought about volunteering in the community? Going back to school (maybe you laugh but my mom did)? Your life only has a purpose if you give it one.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You haven't wasted the life you have left yet  - make a change - go back to school as Blanca suggested. Women leave their spouses every day who were stay at home moms and now have to figure out how to do it on their own. Its by no means easy, but it can be done. Enlist family, look into state/gov't support if you decided to leave. Find a job, any job, its a start - even if its part time. Do you have any friends you can spend time with?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I dont think anyone who raised two children could say theyre life was wasted. Those are two lives that wouldnt have existed without you. Life is precious and we are all here for a reason, so try to enjoy the rest of yours. Sorry for your pain and I hope you feel better soon.


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## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

Family support is not really an option. Friends are one of the first things that were sacrificed. My husband never had time or interest in being sociable. It is funny looking back on how this happened.
It started with him using a minor stuttering problem as an excuse not to socialise. Then it was because he was working hard all day and was to tired to go out or have people over. Then it was that he did not like drinking or playing cards or eating meat or swimming. The excuses were endless but ultimately it all came down to me feeling guilt because he stuttered or his work because HE had to financially support me. Getting a job did not help change things either. He almost seemed uneasy about me being in any environment other than the one he had designed for me. I even started working with him but he always worked so hard to not give me any attention in the workplace that is was to embarrassing to endure.
Of course I was understanding of his feelings and it did not take long before friends forgot about us. I tried to maintain some connections but it was such hard work. I would make plans to spend a day with a friend and suddenly he needed something done that day or would come home and after realising I had spent time with a friend he would put on a “poor me” routine of I had a bad day at work or the staple punishment of “Oh that’s nice” followed by I am tired tonight might get an early night.
Foolishly this pattern continued until I gave up any prospect of a social life. This was how it was well into the marriage but after the kids moved one I tried again.
I tried talking to him about it and he tried for a while as we joined a local club. Wow getting dressed and going out was great but he never wanted to do anything there. He would occasionally have a dinner out and put a few dollars in the pokies. Wasn’t long before it was to costly to dine out and the pokies were boring so he would reluctantly agree to go to the club with me but he would not eat and just sit alone at a table while I ate or played the machines. LOL We don’t go to the club anymore..

We tried camping for a while and this was great until we met an older couple that wanted to go on camping weekends with us. This worked well for a while but it did not take lone before camping was to hard, dirty, boring expensive etc….. We don’t camp anymore and we no longer have contact with that couple either.
Don’t get me wrong people, hubby does ask me out, he says things like “I am working locally today so do you want to look around the shops” 
I gave up a long time ago and I just stay at home now. It is almost funny now when he asks me why I don’t go out anymore.


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## Saklamaritza (Apr 8, 2009)

I am sorry you are feeling this way. What teh other guys posted is true. Try shifting the focus from these feelings and make small plans for yourself and yourself alone. Set yourself small targets and try to accomplish them, try for example walking 3 miles a day 2-3 week, joining a course, just pass by school and flirt with the possibilities, try a part time job to change environments... who knows


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Life is what you make it.

Its full of shoulda, coulda and woulda.

Everybody here could take the same approach, if your kids are grown leave and start a new story. If not await until they are grown.

I still can remember my mom watching TV for endless hours alone.

You are not alone, take a new light in life.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

I agree with what the others suggested. 

I have a husband that is pretty much the same way, does not drink, smoke or likes being around people, but guess what I told him long ago, that if he wanted to be unsociable and become a hermit, then he would do it alone, because I would keep my friends, talk to my family and even go out with my kids and friends. My H is so unsociable that even when there is a family meeting he will always find an excuse to say why we are not going, but I tell him I am going with the girls with or without you, you choose if you want to stay and keep company to the dog or come and eat food at the gathering, because I am not cooking for you when there is someone else do it, and guess what 99% of the time he comes anyways.

Don't feel guilty, either leave him or give time to you, time for "Me, myself and I", being a Stay Home mom and wife is a job and deserves to be treated as such. The fact that you do not go out to support the family does not mean that you have not work as hard for the well being of the family, you have done your part and deserve to be rewarded the same way as somebody who goes out to get the $$. Be confident of yourself and leave or at least start doing things on your own, you don't have to be a hermit even if he is. Know that you deserve it and have the confidence to do it, you are a woman with needs and a personality that can, if you put your mind to it, get new friends and start socializing again in a nice and safe way.

Good luck

Bella


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## steelebreeze (Apr 8, 2009)

dear miturn

I can not offer any advise since I am in the same exact situation as you. Long I dream about having a different life but wishing never helps. I finally decided that the only person that can help me is myself. So I take it one day at a time. I look back at the things that make me happy and what interest me and start to do those things. I wish long and hard that I can remember why I married in the first place but this is what I chose. No one I can blame for my situation other than myself. So it is up to me to change. As I said, I am not in a position to offer any great advise-- the only thing I can offer is hope. Things will get better--all you have to do is take one step --focus on your needs.


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## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

Thank you all for your advice. I am here and probably will be for another 15 - 20 years so I know that I have to either except my lot or implement some positive changes. I do however hope that all that read my thread (a wasted life), will at least consider not allowing themselves to just hang in there like I did because it does not work and the price paid is non refundable for both the victims and the offenders. What I have done by allowing this situation to thrive is to live with emotional abuse. I just took to long to see the big picture.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life right! My grandson is coming today for a week long visit so that will definitely get me off my chair because we all know how rambunctious 13yr old boys can get bored if not constantly entertained. Hmmm! I don’t think I will get to much access to my computer for this coming week either so thanks again and I will drop back in next week.


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