# What's going on here?



## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I am confused, and my husband is even more confused. He told me 2 weeks ago that he HAS to get a divorce. Two days later, I saw he had printed out the divorce paperwork. It still, 12 days later, has not been filled out. It has moved from the bar to the table, but that's it. About a week ago he told me "I need to fill out the paperwork, but I hate filling out paperwork. It needs to get done though." I don't get this. If he has to do it, why hasn't anything been filed, much less filled out?

We went jetskiing together an hour and a half away from home this past Saturday. We've been having sex almost daily, and when we do, it's at least once a day. He has been coming over almost every single day and hanging out for reasons that don't make any sense. But he was still telling me we have to get a divorce. On Tuesday he came over and told me that he wouldn't have minded having kids in about a year, but now that is ruined. He said he doesn't want to get married again for "like 20 years" but maybe we can date eventually. I told him I want to be married, so maybe we shouldn't just date. He asked why I want to be married so bad, and I told him I am coming to a point in my life where I want a family soon, and a bigger home, ect. And that I wouldn't do that with someone who didn't want to marry me until we are 45. He basically just responded with "well maybe it wouldn't be 20 years, but I am not ready to be married right now." 

This morning at 3:30am, he knocked on my door. Woke me up since I am back in nursing school for the summer semester. He basically told me he is so confused. His exact words were, "I am so confused, nothing makes sense. I've been talking to my friends and nothing they are saying is what I want, but I don't know what I want. Nobody can help me. Nobody knows what I am going through. I want to talk to you so bad but you don't know what I am going through so how could you help? And I've been coming over and seeing you so much and when we're together I am so happy, everything is perfect and I just want to kiss all over you and have sex with you and talk about our day and go out to eat with you. But then when it's time for me to leave, I get so angry. I hate you so much for doing this to us. It makes me not want to come over again because once the high wears off, it's painful. But I feel like I have to keep coming over and I can't stop. Not yet at least. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing and I can't relate to anyone. I lied to you the other day when I said I never think about what happened. When I am alone, it's all I think about. Then I start drinking. Then I miss you. But I hate you. And I love you. I don't know what I am supposed to do."

I tried to be as good of a friend that I could. I told him do not listen to your friends, regardless if they are saying good things about me/us or bad things (I didn't ask what they were saying). I told him they do not know us or our marriage and that decision is best made by him since it only affects his life. I told him he is probably happy when he is here because it seems like everything went back to normal, but then you leave and then it's NOT normal. We aren't living together. I told him I loved him tremendously and I wish he would see a counselor on his own (he said hell no, but is still going to go to MC if he's in town). 

So I am not sure what's going on. He's obviously confused, but it almost seems like he is fighting himself to make himself believe he wants a divorce. We seriously spend SO much time together. On Tuesday, something hurt my feelings (his cousin's crazy ex girlfriend basically attacked me for no reason via text. I've never met the girl before but she is crazy. It put me in a slump) and he said he wanted to cheer me up, and he just sat there kissing me and holding me, telling me to cheer up. This stuff confuses me, although I am very grateful for it.

I've been writing him daily letters, but he won't get them until I feel it's a good time for him. He doesn't know about them. I have my IC tomorrow at noon. We haven't had any arguments, and he hasn't brought up the OM at all since MC 10 days ago, and that was during a constructive session. And when I go to the house to get some things I forgot, or once when I got him something he wanted months ago, and his friends are there, I basically tell him how sexy he is and ask if he will have sex with me (in a sexier way than that) to help show 1.) I find him sexually attractive and want him, 2.) So he feels wanted in front of his friends since I know I really damaged his manhood/ego with my affair. When I do this in front of his friends, he acts super confident (not ****y) and pulls me into the room with him.

I don't know what I am asking here. I do not need help or advice on what to do, unless someone thinks there is something critical I have forgotten here. I wish I knew what he's doing though. Why is he so adamant about getting divorced when we talk (except this morning it didn't come up at all) but he's doing NOTHING to put it in action? He hasn't said there is any hope for this marriage or anything. Did he come over this morning to tell me in a round-about-way that he doesn't actually want to divorce? I don't understand what he was trying to say today. Men are confusing!! I am taking this day by day and understand this is a consequence of my actions, but his behavior is confusing us both. Thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He really needs to talk with an IC.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I know, but he just kept saying "hell no, I am not gonna go tell my whole life story to some counselor! I don't work like that."

:/


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You want to be married because you want kids and a bigger house soon? Was any of your reasoning about him?

I hate to say this, but you did it to yourself. Cheating is a HUUUUGE betrayal and the marriage you had is dead. Whatever you have now is just him trying to find comfort...and I would agree that seeing you is confusing. He wants what you guys had but that doesn't exist now because you had sex for 10 months with someone else because you were lonely...

This 'flip flop' of emotions he's having is completely normal and expected. Best you can do is ride it out and then accept whatever he decides to do in the end, one things somewhat settle.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

That Girl, yeah that's what I expected. It's just very confusing. I will definitely wait it out, but he seemed so sure of everything at first but as every day passed, it makes me wonder now if he really is, because I've seen yall's posts on TAM and people who want a divorce, file and serve right away, but this hasn't happened at all. Hm :/

Oh, and what I mean about I want to be married is, I don't want to have kids with a boyfriend. Or invest in a home with a boyfriend. It's just one of those things I can't wrap my head around. Does that make sense? I didn't marry him in the first place for that stuff, not at all. Shoot I only recently decided I want a child within the next couple years. But maybe it's because this whole time we've been together, my future seemed so easy. I had a husband to plan these things with. If he doesn't want to get married until we're twice our age, then it wouldn't work out. But who knows, maybe he doesn't even mean that (he even said that) so it gets more confusing for us both in that aspect as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't really listen to a thing he says right now as being absolute truth. He DOES NOT KNOW where he is emotionally right now.

Don't expect concrete decisions or plans. You threw those away when you cheated. Just let him row this boat for now. It will be confusing and like night and day. Shoot, the time may come when he 'hates' you and wants nothing from/with you. Accept it and realize this is the shet storm that comes with cheating.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think what's happened here is that you are completely over your affair so you think he should be too. It doesn't work that way.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Stephanie,

He is on the roller coaster. This is very normal. He does love you but he hates what you have done. He hasn't filled out the paperwork yet because he doesn't really want to divorce....yet. He says he has decided but that is what he thinks he is supposed to do. Probably what his friends are telling him. Just ride it out and see where he ends up.

Here is something you need to consider. You may be over your affair but if your husband decides to reconcile you are going to be subjected to ALL THIS EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. Right now he leaves or you leave and you have some time for yourself. Some peace. But if you and he are together all this pain and confusion will be heaped upon you as well. I just want you to be aware of this.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Stephanie you're still setting a timeframe for your husband to get over your affair, it doesn't work that way you need to help him heal in whatever way you can and however long it takes if you're bent on R.

Its pretty normal for him to go through emotional ups and downs for the next few months till he comes to accept your affair and starts looking into how he can get past it but you need to be prepared for his anger and sadness and helluva lot of emotional trauma that he's going to vent on you.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The best thing you can do at this point is to state your support to whatever decision he will make in the end. Tell that he can have all the time to think it over, and that he deserves to choose the path that is best for him.

He should ultimately do whatever *he* feels comfortable with, not what you want or what his friends want. Otherwise it'll be second-guessing all the time.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. He probably Loves You.

2. He cannot Trust You.

3. He wants to be with you but does not want to be Hurt Again by you.

4. He needs someone, besides you and or with you, that he needs to talk to and work it out.

5. Otherwise, he will be this way for a long time.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

One of the hardest things to deal with in human romantic relationships is that love and hate can be felt at the same time as they are not mutually exclusive. 

Your man needs time Stephanie.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie:

The sad thing is that affairs destroy marriages. That's a given. 

Your prior marriage is dead. You need to start over, as if you just met him and are dating. And, you need to be willing to take the risk, just like when you first met him, that the dating relationship may not end in marriage to your life long mate. 

You are technically married, but the marriage for him is dead and you as a person are not the person he thought he married.

As others have mentioned he needs time. 

If you are not willing to give him the time he needs to heal. Let him go. Sign the papers. 

As a BS, in my case, my STBEH will not give me the time I need to heal and get over my confusion about him. 

He is past the affair and he wants me to get past it. He even put a time frame on it. 

That can't be done. 

I truly believe you regret your actions. Still you need to know that your husband's behavior is a self protective mechanism as others note. 

He is afraid to fully give himself to you again because he is afraid you will cheat again. 

Many people who cheat do re-offend, so that is not an irrational fear. It is a real and normal fear. 

It seems to me that you may not be willing to wait for as long as he needs to heal. You feel you are in Limbo. 

I understand that. You want marriage and kids and starting new with your spouse as if you are just dating, will hold things up. 

Alas, affairs are so destructive to the trust in a marriage, and marriage is mainly about trust. 

Without that there is no marriage, there is only a sexual relationship.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

I've read your entire story..both threads.
I see that there is a lot of love between the two of you.
However you have done the most vile and hurtful thing you can do to a marriage or spouse.

You know you cheated..you know it hurts him, but you do not grasp to what extremes it is.

Your husband is in a whirlwind and whirlpool at the same time.

You gave yourself to someone else for 10 months. Experienced things with the AP that he has never done while he has been married to you.
He took your vows seriously and he knows you love him, but sees that you did not honor the vows as he has.

This man was away from you, in another country and all he could think about was getting back to you and staying faithful to you. With all the promiscuous women around him there..he stayed faithful, while for 10 months..you had replaced him.

He's destroyed..but loves you so much that he doesn't k now if he wants to leave or stay.

His mind is telling him leave...she cheated on you. Disrespected you and your home. Didn't honor our vows while I was fighting for our country.
But his heart is saying stay. You love her..she is so kind and reassuring when we are together..just like it was before.

But it's not before..there is the dark cloud of betrayal hanging over you two and it was you who brought it.

I can say from reading your posts Stephanie..that you are a good person who made a horrible choice.
You became selfish and didn't want to be lonely..so you replaced your husband.
You tried to make OM your husband and when your husband came back..you didn't want the replacement anymore. That's why your feelings for him dropped.
You projected your feelings for your husband onto him.


But your husband will feel like this about you for a very long time.

You have to grasp what you have done.

What you did was point a gun at him and say..i will never shoot you...but then you do.
He can't really trust you..though he loves you so much.

He thinks divorce is the only way for him to have peace...but then he knows he can't bear to be without you..so that is the confusion.

I personally think that you two can fix this...your husband needs to really talk to a good counselor. 

You need to really see what you have done...I know that you are remorseful and yes young too, but you do have some maturity about you and I can see you genuinely love him.

It is that love that will help you two get back together...but you have to fight Stephanie...don't let him push you away. Fight for him...the more you fight...the less confused he will be.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks for the replies everyone, especially soul storm. I myself am a little confused why everyone thinks I am putting a time frame on his healing? You guys are very correct in saying I'm over my affair, and now I am at the point to try and fix what I did. But I've never ever told my husband to get over it, or asked when he thinks he will be over it, or that I can't wait forever. 

The only thing I really said was that I want a child in a couple years, but don't want a child with a boyfriend. If it takes him 5 years to learn how to heal from this, I will be right next to him along the whole ride. I've read a lot on this forum to see just how much emotional distress the BS places on the WS (for good reasons) and I am willing to deal with this. It's basically another consequence of my actions. But I have never told him to hurry up. All I have said it to make the best decision for himself, not for me, his friends, or his parents. 

Well I am getting ready for my counseling appt. Been looking forward to this one for 10 days now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Steph it's your impatience with some things. Like the stuff with the divorce papers... What's the rush? You're in a hurry to get divorced?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone, especially soul storm. I myself am a little confused why everyone thinks I am putting a time frame on his healing? You guys are very correct in saying I'm over my affair, and now I am at the point to try and fix what I did. But I've never ever told my husband to get over it, or asked when he thinks he will be over it, or that I can't wait forever.
> 
> The only thing I really said was that I want a child in a couple years, but don't want a child with a boyfriend. If it takes him 5 years to learn how to heal from this, I will be right next to him along the whole ride. I've read a lot on this forum to see just how much emotional distress the BS places on the WS (for good reasons) and I am willing to deal with this. It's basically another consequence of my actions. But I have never told him to hurry up. All I have said it to make the best decision for himself, not for me, his friends, or his parents.
> 
> ...


 Hey Stephanie. Glad to see you back on here. I am confused as to how you can be "over" your affair. You betrayed your husband for 10 months. You shouldn't be over that. 

Just to give you some insight ( I am prior service) about what goes on in his life every day at work:

His Commander and 1SG have probably told him to get divorced to protect himself during the next deployment. There job is to look out for him.

His friends are telling him he needs to man up and give you the boot as well. The friendship between soldiers is unique, and they don't want to see him hurt by you again. They probably express this sentiment pretty often.

He is caught not knowing what to do, and trying to protect his self image at work with both his superiors and his subordinates. That is a handful. All because you cheated. 

Did you ever give him a real reason as to why you cheated? " I was lonely" is not anywhere near good enough. 

You have a long road ahead of you.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

LOL, good point Costa. That isn't quite where I was going with that though lol! It was more of a concern as to why he keeps saying over and over again we have to get a divorce, and then him actually not doing it. I tried looking up instances of when men do this, but usually it's because they don't want to pay for the filing fee/serving fee, which isn't an issue for us.

DawnD, I said I was over it and I am ready (been ready actually) to start helping him heal. Hopefully in the direction towards reconciliation, but if not, I still want him to heal as quickly as he can for his own well-being. To me, being over the affair means that I:

1.) learned my lesson from making a horrible choice to cheat
2.) know why I cheated
3.) I know I will not cheat again. No way in hell I will ever put myself in this situation again!

To me, I can only go forward here, since I have hit rock bottom. My husband, I am not sure where he stands as he is super confused himself. But yeah, I know what you mean about the work thing. When his friends are over at the house when I show up, I am very friendly, tell jokes with them, and open about what I am doing (counseling, school, ect. They seem very interested lately?). They don't make snide comments, or look at me like I am a horrible person. So I am basically trying to also show them that I am a good person who is trying to make the best out of a bad decision and that IF Brandon so chooses to ever take me back, he is not an idiot.

As for the reason? I was lonely, and I was selfish. That's what it really boils down to. The OM was a replacement. My husband has not asked anything about this, but I told the OM I "loved" him within 72 hours. I was just placing the feelings I had for my husband onto a stranger. I even knew this while saying it to the OM. It's obvious I didn't know him well enough to say I loved him, but that's what I was used to doing. When we would be cuddling. having sex, or when I'd say I loved him, my eyes would be closed and I'd be imagining it was my husband. This eventually stopped after about 4 months though, when it really hit me this individual was nothing at all like Brandon. And not in a good way.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone, especially soul storm. I myself am a little confused why everyone thinks I am putting a time frame on his healing? You guys are very correct in saying I'm over my affair, and now I am at the point to try and fix what I did. But I've never ever told my husband to get over it, or asked when he thinks he will be over it, or that I can't wait forever.
> 
> The only thing I really said was that I want a child in a couple years, but don't want a child with a boyfriend. If it takes him 5 years to learn how to heal from this, I will be right next to him along the whole ride. I've read a lot on this forum to see just how much emotional distress the BS places on the WS (for good reasons) and I am willing to deal with this. It's basically another consequence of my actions. But I have never told him to hurry up. All I have said it to make the best decision for himself, not for me, his friends, or his parents.
> 
> ...


Am I misreading your post? Are you saying you want him to father a child with you?

That is an awfully loaded request right now. 

You may not be asking verbally for a time frame, but wanting a child is suggesting you may need a time frame. 

Stephanie, how can he father a child with someone he no longer trusts. 

You need to let him heal first and have the child when HE is ready to father a child with you.

If you cheat again, he will likely divorce you. He is likely very afraid of having to add child support to the mix. 

Also, why do you want a child now? It seems risky given the marriage is obviously shaky and will be for some time. 

Are you thinking the child will draw you two closer?

If so, that is a common misbelief. Children bring a lot of stress into a marriage.

Hoping the best for you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I don't think you're putting a time frame on anything, I can see why you're questioning your H not signing the divorce papers.
He said he wanted the divorce, he got the papers, but yet he waits, why is he waiting...yeah I can understand where you're coming from. 
It's not a time line as much as it's wanting to know why he hasn't gone through with it since he was the one who wanted to rush into
a divorce.

What's your approach been like when you talk to your H about him doing IC or MC?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Also, Stephanie, IMO, it's normal for him to be on and off about the divorce. 

A betrayal is a huge blow to once self esteem and trust in their spouse. 

Also, you may in your heart know that you will never cheat, but he can't trust your words nor his own judgement of you right now. 

Remember, he once trusted you and he was wrong to do so.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I will definitely wait it out, but he seemed so sure of everything at first but as every day passed, it makes me wonder now if he really is, because I've seen yall's posts on TAM *and people who want a divorce, file and serve right away, but this hasn't happened at all. Hm *:/


This is not true. Many people are confused over whether to divorce or not, even after filing, and stay confused but the divoce still goes through in the end. 

So you may have read 1 or 2 things, but they don't apply to every single case. 

Your husband is lost right now. This is whwat happens when you get cheated on by a spouse/long-term (any term, really) partner.

You canno fathom where is he at in his head right now unless you've lived it. And it is awful. Completely awful. Everything he knew in his mind is a lie. He is going over all the moments of your life together trying to figure out what was true and what was not. Do you really love him or was it just words? He's thinking, "Is she still playing me or not?" He is questioning every single thing about you, your marriage, and your relationship together. Everything that he knew that was "true" about his life has been turned upside down. 

Hence, his confusion.

I've no doubt he loves you, but he is now battling with your truth versus what he knew and loved. Because in his eyes, you have died. The woman he fell in love with, who he married is a facade now, a ghost, something unreal, something non-existant. She will never be again.

I am not trying to sadden you or make you upset, I am just giving you examples of what's most likely going through his mind.

I know you want to know with 100% certainty how this will turn out, and o course, you want your marriage. 

But, the ball is in his court. So all you can do is respect whatever decision he makes and be there for him while at the same time knowing you can't really be there for him because you are the one who broke his heart. 



that_girl said:


> I think what's happened here is that you are completely over your affair so you think he should be too. It doesn't work that way.


:iagree:

Be patient, Stephanie. It's the only card you have to play.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Sara I will be completely honest with you. Did I say I wanted a baby with him now or pretty soon? No. But to be honest, I have been having incredible urges to have a baby with him. Urges, not something I will actually act on. It's like my brain/body is craving a child to make it seem like we are a family again or something. I WILL NOT DO THIS THOUGH. This is just some off the wall thing my body and mind have been wanting for the last month or so. Not only is this a horrible time to do that in my marriage, but I am also in nursing school too, that would be a bad idea.

However what I was saying is in the next 3 years or so, if him and I were together at that time, I'd want a child with him. But not as his girlfriend. Now if him and I don't work out, I'm not gonna go rush out and make a baby with the next man. But the three year thing applied to my husband. The only reason children even came up in our conversation was because he told me "I've been hanging around a lot of my friends kids and the idea of us having a baby in the next year or two wouldn't have bothered me at all. But then you cheated." 

So, no babies! Just conversations about them.
And he said we can do MC but he will never go to IC cause he doesn't work like that or something. Idk I wish he would but I'm not about to force him to do it so it's his call on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> But yeah, I know what you mean about the work thing. When his friends are over at the house when I show up, I am very friendly, tell jokes with them, and open about what I am doing (counseling, school, ect. They seem very interested lately?). They don't make snide comments, or look at me like I am a horrible person. So I am basically trying to also show them that I am a good person who is trying to make the best out of a bad decision and that IF Brandon so chooses to ever take me back, he is not an idiot.


 I have been sitting here trying to think of a polite way to say this, and I can't think of one. I will be blunt, but know that it isn't to be rude or cruel, its just to point something out and make sure you don't step on your own toes.

Be careful around his friends. You are sharing an awful lot with them, and honestly they may not make snide comments or remarks, but they are sitting there with the knowledge that the second your husband left you were open for business. Your willingness to be that open with them could very well send the wrong signal, and could also make your husband question your loyalty even more. 

Be even more cautious of those "friends" who won't be going on the next FTX or deployment with your H.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think a part of you wanting a baby so badly NOW is knowing that you may lose him and never fulfill that dream you once had with him. So now you're thinking extremes, too. You're grasping.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I have been sitting here trying to think of a polite way to say this, and I can't think of one. I will be blunt, but know that it isn't to be rude or cruel, its just to point something out and make sure you don't step on your own toes.
> 
> Be careful around his friends. You are sharing an awful lot with them, and honestly they may not make snide comments or remarks, but they are sitting there with the knowledge that the second your husband left you were open for business. Your willingness to be that open with them could very well send the wrong signal, and could also make your husband question your loyalty even more.
> 
> Be even more cautious of those "friends" who won't be going on the next FTX or deployment with your H.


:iagree:

She shouldn't be trying to appease them/get on their good side. The only person she should be doing that for is her husband. he's the one she has something to prove to.

Not just that but no doubt her husband is watching her like a hawk around her friends. And some of those friends may even be plotting.. "Well she did it with another guy so it's clear she has no loyalty to Brandon...she could be an easy lay and I could so get in there."


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Sara I will be completely honest with you. Did I say I wanted a baby with him now or pretty soon? No. But to be honest, I have been having incredible urges to have a baby with him. Urges, not something I will actually act on. It's like my brain/body is craving a child to make it seem like we are a family again or something. I WILL NOT DO THIS THOUGH. This is just some off the wall thing my body and mind have been wanting for the last month or so. Not only is this a horrible time to do that in my marriage, but I am also in nursing school too, that would be a bad idea.
> 
> However what I was saying is in the next 3 years or so, if him and I were together at that time, I'd want a child with him. But not as his girlfriend. Now if him and I don't work out, I'm not gonna go rush out and make a baby with the next man. But the three year thing applied to my husband. The only reason children even came up in our conversation was because he told me "I've been hanging around a lot of my friends kids and the idea of us having a baby in the next year or two wouldn't have bothered me at all. But then you cheated."
> 
> ...


He can't make an intelligent call on anything right now. He is in a daze. He may have PtSD from the war and the infidelity. 

Stephanie, if you want this to work, you need to get with HIS schedule, not yours. 

He will be taking a huge leap of faith by trusting you now. 

You need to take a huge leap of faith that he will heal. 

If you do not you will lose him because you pressure will prevent him from healing. 

Yes, there are no guarantees for you, but there are none for HIM EITHER.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She shouldn't be trying to appease them/get on their good side. The only person she should be doing that for is her husband. he's the one she has something to prove to.
> 
> Not just that but no doubt her husband is watching her like a hawk around her friends. And some of those friends may even be plotting.. "Well she did it with another guy so it's clear she has no loyalty to Brandon...she could be an easy lay and I could so get in there."


There is that, and the fact that they would possibly approach her in her own home trying to "talk" with her. This would probably push her H over the edge and the papers would get filed. 

Keep your progress to yourself and stick to only pleasantries with the friends. I would love to tell you that none of them would try anything since they know your H, but that just wouldn't be true.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> There is that, and the fact that they would possibly approach her in her own home trying to "talk" with her. This would probably push her H over the edge and the papers would get filed.
> 
> Keep your progress to yourself and stick to only pleasantries with the friends. I would love to tell you that none of them would try anything since they know your H, but that just wouldn't be true.


I would hope his friends wouldn't think like that! It's only been two of his friends that have been over. I didn't just start talking about my whole life story or anything. Once I came over while wearing scrubs and his friend was like "I didn't know you were a nurse" and I explained i was in school and all that. And then we started talking about how that was going. I casually brought up my next appt to my husband and his friend asked about it so I told him. Things like that. Then I asked my husband quietly in his ear if he wanted to have sex and he smiled and said yes, then his friend was like "okay that's my cue to leave" and walked away laughing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I would hope his friends wouldn't think like that! It's only been two of his friends that have been over. I didn't just start talking about my whole life story or anything. Once I came over while wearing scrubs and his friend was like "I didn't know you were a nurse" and I explained i was in school and all that. And then we started talking about how that was going. I casually brought up my next appt to my husband and his friend asked about it so I told him. Things like that. Then I asked my husband quietly in his ear if he wanted to have sex and he smiled and said yes, then his friend was like "okay that's my cue to leave" and walked away laughing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Right, but you are bringing up your appt stuff to your husband in front of his friends. You were fishing. 

Just be aware and try to remember that chatting up his friends isn't always a good thing.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, I guess I just don't want them putting their beliefs onto my husband, especially if they do not know the story. Both of his friends had been cheated on in the past as well, however they were also cheaters themselves. 

Well, the counseling session didn't help much this time. Mainly because we only had an hour, and he basically needed me to explain everything that had happened in the last 10 days and that took a lot of time. He said though that if my husband really knew what he wanted, he would have filed. Basically, everything that we've been saying here. The counselor was very confused and said he hasn't seen anything like this before but we can keep working on it and just make sure I always stay pleasant.

My husband is outta town for the week so I can't do too much right now, besides wait, like I've been doing. Thanks guys


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

He will take from them what he wants to take, he is grown. You might be surprised. Look at all of us here, all coping from one side of the fence or the other, yet communicating and trying to help someone who is opposite our role. 

I think it would be in your best interest not to try to include yourself with his friends. Honestly, acting like all is well and fine in front of them is okay for him, but your H may feel like you are able to just carry on without a care in the world about all the destruction you caused. Plus, fishing for reasons for his male friends to talk to you will bite you in the butt


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The counselor was very confused and said he hasn't seen anything like this before but we can keep working on it and just make sure I always stay pleasant.
> 
> My husband is outta town for the week so I can't do too much right now, besides wait, like I've been doing. Thanks guys


This counselor sounds very inexperienced about infidelity. Can you look for a better one. 

I think the counselor needs to focus on the infidelity. 

I know from my own experience that it is very difficult to find an experienced competent infidelity counselor in some parts of the USA. 

I think though there is a lot of wisdom the counselor, if competent could have imparted by now, but did not. 

Have a good weekend, Steph.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Sara, we really, really focused on the infidelity in the first session. Today, we both got caught up in what's happened these last couple of days. I agree with him that this is confusing because he isn't used to the BS coming in to MC, saying there is no chance for R, then participating fully in the conversation, not filing for divorce but not saying there is a chance of R while being married.... all while saying he wants a divorce still but maybe date afterwards... then why not fill out the forms necessary?

It is confusing. It SEEMS (I would have underlined but I'm using quick reply) like most BS on this forum have a little bit more of a grasp of what they want. Shoot, it's even obvious that JB100 wants to stay with his wife even though he usually says no lol. I have no clue! But I appreciate the responses given. I told the counselor that I will schedule the next appt when I know my husband will be in town.


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Well here's my take on it its up to you what you do with. If I were u I would give him his space this week maybe shoot him one text explaining that you are going to do so and let him know you love him and miss him and u would like him to just think about himself and what he wants out of life. Then ask him if u can meet up for dinner and or date. Have something planned for when he gets back and make it personalized for what u know he likes. On your date you should make it romantic and tell him what you have been thinking lately All of ur thoughts, tell him what you would like to see happen between you and how you have changed, what your willing to do to make him believe in u again (passwords to accounts, cell phone tracking etc.). Then tell him that you know he is struggling with whether or not to take you back (hand him ur letters) but you want him to know everything you have been thinking before he makes his decison. Finally let him know you will wait and be in R phase however long he needs and u are there to support him if he needs you.

My reasoning for this is ur marriage is in the climax of you story. This is make or break time for him as he processes his emotions and weighs out his decison. You might as well put your heart out there and let him know all the info he can(you thoughts). Might want to make it clear u understand what u have done and what he's going through and that time will take away the dredful thoughts. He really needs to go to counseling but he's proly a lil to manly lol. So try to help him process his thoughts with what u have learned here. 

I hope u have changed and if u have I hope u learned all of this and most problems in a relationship can be avoided with communication. So communicate. Gl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Urgh, well now my husband is at it again while he's out of town. Offering to hang out with the old friends from high school and stuff (it's on his facebook). I really don't know how much longer I can keep trying for reconciliation if almost every time he goes out of town, he pretends to be every woman's friend. He made plans with the friend from earlier (the one he was going to bring with his other friends to the beach 5 hours away) and he asked if they could go to Austin together (which is 3 hours away from where she lives, and 1 hour away from where we live) and she said "I can't I am broke" and he said "don't worry about it."

I am again at the point of giving up. I could sit and try to make it up to him for years and years and I'd love to do that, but not if he is trying to be hanging out with a bunch of women, and possibly doing stuff with them all the while.

A part of me doesn't want to lose what we had. I know it is gone, but even if we got half of what we used to have, I'd be elated. I know there are more men out there, but I have no desire to go out looking for one when the one I want is right there. I feel like that kid in middle school who has a crush, but the crush probably doesn't want her but she doesn't know for sure so she keeps crushing on him. 

I am hurt (I know, not as hurt as he is, but it doesn't negate the fact that I am hurting) and I am mad because I don't want this to determine how my day(s) go. I want to become numb again to all of this and if he decides to come back to me in a couple months, then so be it. But fighting for someone who is out with little girl friends isn't worth it, and I can't keep standing up and watching like it doesn't bother me. I don't know what to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop trying for reconciliation. HE has to want it. 

You don't want to lose what you had? Well, it was lost when you cheated.

Give him time. You had time. 10 months to cheat and get over it. Give him time too.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

That Girl, I appreciate your response, but I also have a choice to have to sit and watch him do this or not. 

The last time he did something like this, everyone still called him a cake eater, even though he was only doing it because I cheated on him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Well, it's just a lot of drama. I agree, you don't have to sit around and watch it. I recommend that you don't. Let the man breathe and see what he wants with some space from you.

But, this is the 2nd time you've cheated?  You said, "Last time"...


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

If he wants space, then he shouldn't be coming to my house every single day up until the day he left. Coming over, and using having sex, him being all romantic and things like that, then him leave to Ft. Worth and all the sudden being every girl's new friend. 

I am not trying to be rude to you, I very much so appreciate your response. I am just angry.

Edit: No, I have never cheated on him before this deployment. I said the last time HE did this ( a couple weeks ago he was inviting his old high school friend who is a female out with him to a hotel by the beach with a group of his friends )


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

This isn't helpful Stephanie, but I will tell you anyway. I felt that I DESERVED to cheat on my H after I found out he had an affair. Seriously, legitimately deserved it. It took me a while to realize that it wouldn't help, but some people don't feel that way, and that is what makes us all human. 

Could it be the fact that you moved in with the OM without blinking makes him feel even more entitlement? How would you feel about that? Revenge cheating I mean.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ahh. Well, I understand you are angry, but...THIS is the consequences for cheating. I've been there. Its a shetty place to be. But...it will work out how it will work on and you trying to force it won't change things.

He comes over all the time because he's still in the habit of you and still wishing this nightmare wasn't true. So now he's out of town and doing what he's doing. I don't know what to say...if that's what he needs to do then that's what he needs to do. You did the same, except you did it behind his back.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> If he wants space, then he shouldn't be coming to my house every single day up until the day he left. Coming over, and using having sex, him being all romantic and things like that, then him leave to Ft. Worth and all the sudden being every girl's new friend.
> 
> I am not trying to be rude to you, I very much so appreciate your response. I am just angry.
> 
> Edit: No, I have never cheated on him before this deployment. I said the last time HE did this ( a couple weeks ago he was inviting his old high school friend who is a female out with him to a hotel by the beach with a group of his friends )


Stephanie, you said yourself that he has stated, many times, that he doesn't know what he wants. TG is right. Don't just sit and wait. Live your life as you normally would. And, as you are separated, it shouldn't be EXPECTED that you are going to have sex and be lovey whenever he comes over. 

The thing is, while you don't have to sit around, waiting and watching... he doesn't have to either. Meaning, if he wants to go out with another woman now, it's his choice. You are separated.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

DawnD, I feel if he had an affair, we could get past it.
But that is only if it happened later on. Our marriage is hanging by the tiniest of threads and a revenge affair would cut that last little bit that our marriage is hanging by.

I am extremely angry right now, and a part of me wants to go to the house and fill out his divorce paperwork for him. But I will not act on my angry feelings just yet. If they stay for a week or so, then I will. Right now I just don't feel like I give a f*ck, even though I obviously do.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I just want to ask you one single question, what would you do if he did cheat on you?


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha, about a month ago he told me over the phone:

"If I decide to possibly date new people, and even maybe start a relationship with a new woman, you need to accept that. If it then doesn't work out and I decide I miss you and want to try again with you, then so be it. But you need to respect whatever I decide to do. If however, you date anyone at all from now on out, you can consider us over and I wouldn't get back with you."


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

AK, I thought had cheated on me. Almost 2.5 years ago, I knew in my heart of hearts he had cheated. It took until JUNE, last month, for me to realize he hadn't. So this whole time i was under the assumption that he had. And I moved past it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> DawnD, I feel if he had an affair, we could get past it.
> But that is only if it happened later on. Our marriage is hanging by the tiniest of threads and a revenge affair would cut that last little bit that our marriage is hanging by.
> 
> I am extremely angry right now, and a part of me wants to go to the house and fill out his divorce paperwork for him. But I will not act on my angry feelings just yet. If they stay for a week or so, then I will. Right now I just don't feel like I give a f*ck, even though I obviously do.


 I can understand why you would be angry. But I can also understand why he feels he doesn't owe you anything. You made a decision to toss your marriage out for the OM, and now he feels he should have the same attitude towards you. It isn't helpful, but I think most BS's go through it. 

Is your anger to him directly, or are you angry with yourself for doing such damage to your marriage?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

So you assumed that he cheated because your heart of hearts told you so. Oh that sounds so corny. So you judged him to be a cheat without the evidence to back it up and no you didn't really get past it, you cheated on him remember?

Stephanie, the best course of action would be to divorce your husband and start over, you've learned your lesson about cheating I reckon, now you can move on. You're both very very young and the sadness will grow less intense over the next few months, maybe you can look back one day and see that it was the best decision to make both for yourself and your husband


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

While I agree that you need to accept it if he chooses to date someone else, I don't agree that you need to remain his "back up plan". However, when I was saying "live your life", I didn't mean go out and date, necessarily. I meant do your everyday stuff. If you have any hobbies, work on them. That sort of thing. I know I couldn't handle it if my husband said I was, essentially, a back up plan. But, when cheating, that's essentially what the spouse is. So, I can understand where BOTH of you are coming from. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't issue an ultimatum were I the WS in the situation, but I also wouldn't stand to be a back up. KWIM?


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

To be 100% truthful, at this exact moment in time and for the first time in a long time, I am not angry about how I damaged my marriage. Usually, that is what I am mad about. But right now I am angry that he thinks it's okay to string someone along, and I feel like a backup plan. I am really at the point of making the decision for him and filling out the stupid paperwork.

It's fine and dandy if this is what he wants. But he has not said it yet, nor served me with papers, and so it's my choice if I want to sit back and hope for the best while he's out doing God knows what or not. If we were divorcing, I would not be this infuriated. This stuff makes me feel like my attempts have been useless and a waste of my effort when I put my heart into it. Why can't he just file for divorce and stop dragging it out!


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> So you assumed that he cheated because your heart of hearts told you so. Oh that sounds so corny. So you judged him to be a cheat without the evidence to back it up and no you didn't really get past it, you cheated on him remember?


Way to assume I didn't have any evidence. I have plenty of evidence. He even admitted he f*cked up big time. But he said he didn't cheat. His admittance was the only thing that didn't put the puzzle together. I was 99.99% certain he cheated what with texting evidence and so forth. My cheating was NOT because of his "cheating" it was something I did out of my own choice. I had completely moved on from what he potentially did.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> To be 100% truthful, at this exact moment in time and for the first time in a long time, I am not angry about how I damaged my marriage. Usually, that is what I am mad about. But right now I am angry that he thinks it's okay to string someone along, and I feel like a backup plan. I am really at the point of making the decision for him and filling out the stupid paperwork.


Yes its called a dog in the manger, essentially you strung him along sans his knowledge of the same so you can imagine the devastation that would have done when he came to find out, and now he's doing the same thing to you albeit feeding the same pain in small little torturous spoonfuls.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> To be 100% truthful, at this exact moment in time and for the first time in a long time, I am not angry about how I damaged my marriage. Usually, that is what I am mad about. But right now I am angry that he thinks it's okay to string someone along, and I feel like a backup plan. I am really at the point of making the decision for him and filling out the stupid paperwork.
> 
> It's fine and dandy if this is what he wants. But he has not said it yet, nor served me with papers, and so it's my choice if I want to sit back and hope for the best while he's out doing God knows what or not. If we were divorcing, I would not be this infuriated. This stuff makes me feel like my attempts have been useless and a waste of my effort when I put my heart into it. Why can't he just file for divorce and stop dragging it out!


 I get that, but you didn't ask him how he felt about you cheating on him during his deployment. it seems like you feel he owes you more than that, even though you surely didn't consider him in your actions. Seems a bit hypocritical. 

why does HE have to file?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Keep in mind I am actually not trying to argue with you, just trying to get you to see it through another perspective


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I am going to keep apologizing for being angry. I am not trying to take my anger out on anyone on this forum, I am just extremely angry right now and I would be snappy at anyone who talked to me right now. Sorry again.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Your relationship with him is not one that is or has been healthy and definitely not conducive for children to be in, please don't ruin your life playing this game. You're what 21? Thats hardly the age to be dealing with this sh!t. Now you know the consequences, its best to D and grow up a bit, just a few years and you'll be surprised at how your perspective of the world changes. Then when you're mature enough you can have a meaningful relationship with someone


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I didn't see you as snappy, just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't trying to provoke you, just trying to get you to see it all in different ways!


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

DawnD, what do you mean? We've talked many, many times about how my actions affected him. That's one of the main things we do talk about. And I know it seems like my husband was the back up plan while I was cheating, but he is/was not. The OM wasn't even the backup plan cause I could easily call him right now and be with him IF that were something I wanted. But it isn't. The OM was, as bad as it sounds, a fill-in until my husband got back. Now my husband is back. And I have no desire for the OM, just my husband. Maybe I need a back up plan who knows.

I don't mean that, I am just in a p*ss mood.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

No, I know what you mean DawnD, I am not aggravated with you. The only thing that's aggravating to me is that I know my situation, and nobody else does, so if one piece of information isn't carefully typed out, it gets thrown in my face even though it isn't correct. Does that make sense? It's a part of telling a story over the internet I guess. Also, he is filing because it was his decision. I wasn't trying to divorce him although I told him if he needed anything signed, I would sign it all the while trying to save us.

AK, who knows. I've about given up, at least for today. Or until the week from now when he's back in town. I am going to spend the rest of my day drinking on a boat on the lake. With family. 
SCREW TODAY. That is how I feel.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> DawnD, what do you mean? We've talked many, many times about how my actions affected him. That's one of the main things we do talk about. And I know it seems like my husband was the back up plan while I was cheating, but he is/was not. The OM wasn't even the backup plan cause I could easily call him right now and be with him IF that were something I wanted. But it isn't. The OM was, as bad as it sounds, a fill-in until my husband got back. Now my husband is back. And I have no desire for the OM, just my husband. Maybe I need a back up plan who knows.
> 
> I don't mean that, I am just in a p*ss mood.


You don't feel like he was the back up plan. he does. As a matter of fact, he is probably almost half way convinced that you want to stay with him so he can foot the bills for you and your schooling. (Not saying he is right, but that is probably how he feels). You made the OM the priority when you decided being with him was more important than the vows you took with your husband. You put yours and the OM's needs first, and your H came last.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

He didn't foot too many bills for me. Simply because most of the bills were for us, and he is still paying all those same bills (mortgage, electricity, ect) with me out of the house. Plus I did contribute to cover the things i used, like gas to get me to and from school every day which takes 1.5 hours. All my schooling was paid for by student loans, even though we didn't need them. Thank God now, as I'd feel terrible about him footing the bill all while never getting to enjoy my new income. I only have 10 months of school left, and I still only have $7k in student loan debt, so it's nothing outstanding. I have $16k in savings that I asked for, so I could pay it off still if I wanted.

But yeah I understand what you mean.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, you're not the victim here.

You have every right to be angry, etc...but turn that towards yourself and really figure out why you cheated...and it wasn't because you were lonely.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> He didn't foot too many bills for me. Simply because most of the bills were for us, and he is still paying all those same bills (mortgage, electricity, ect) with me out of the house.


Right, he was paying for your housing and footing the bills to keep the electric and utilities on. And you were out cheating on him. That cuts deep and he will wonder if you only want to be back with him for that. Because you miss him "taking care" of you financially. I am sure that has crossed many men's thoughts


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

I understand your anger. You have been putting yourself out there and it feels he is taking advantage of that.

He feels a bit entitled to do what he is doing. he hasn't fully committed to you, and told you if you do anything similar to what he's doing..then it's definitely over.

While I feel that is unfair...if that is something you agreed to then I would hope you could maintain your integrity and abide by it.
I personally would not put myself in that position. WS or not..you still deserve to know where the relationship really stands.

However it is also not fair to want him to make a decision after finding out he was replaced for 10 months.

You say you would forgive him if he cheated..at least up to 3 times..that is your prerogative, but gauging your anger now and your reaction..I highly doubt you could put up with that.

You are getting angry at the very knowledge he may be out with someone. Imagine the anger if you were replaced as he was.

Bottom line..he has given you no commitment yet. He is even saying he wants to divorce you and date you afterwards.

This is the mind of a man who has been to war, possibly suffering PTSD..then comes home to find out his wife had an affair. He is trying to cope the best he can.

I do think he loves you..but his mind is nowhere near the right place to make a sound decision.

Your anger is there because you love him and feel jilted. He feels jilted too.

Personally..I think you should hang in there a bit longer..your marriage is worth saving. Even if you have to divorce to start all over.

I believe he would regret leaving you and you would definitely regret losing him in the long run.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Thank you soulstorm. That is absolutely true. Your post is very appreciated.

Well I had 5 hours to cool off on the lake with some friends and family. Had some beer and junk food, went swimming and boating, all that. And I am not mad anymore. Kinda indifferent at this point. I've already explained that him doing this is not the same as if we were totally committed to each other. I could move past that, but our marriage is on the brink of divorce, so adding yet another person to that would kill it I believe. And soulstorm hit it right on the head. 

Lol, I am not in any need of his financial assistance. In fact, HE needs help with money now because he's lately spent a lot of money on things I used to tell him to wait to buy, and now he can't get his money out of savings cause he put it into an account that he can't withdraw from. I am blessed to have my parents help and my own job that I could care less about his money. Especially when I graduate in less than 10 months.

I've decided I am going to keep doing what I did today, and go out and have a ton of fun (when I have the time between school and work) and let him decide if I'm worth holding onto or not. If he moves on, so be it. I would like to work it out, but if he doesn't oh well. He's responded to indifference in the past and he seems to like the chase I think, but if chasing makes him move on quicker, then oh well. I am tired of putting myself out there if this is the reaction it gets. I understand I did this, but I can only keep this up while he keeps his thing up. I've learned from my horrid choices and if he doesn't want me, there are other men out there who would love to be with me, and although it seems like I'd never want anyone else now, eventually I will come around. Life goes on. I will still write letters to give to him in the future, and still go to IC.

And I'm sorry you don't believe it, but yes, I cheated because I was lonely and selfish. I can't force you to believe my opinion, so I am not going to keep stressing this. It was probably more selfishness than loneliness too, which really sucks. But that's my personal flaw I need to work on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Work on that flaw before dealing with him any more.

I just think your whole attitude towards it is very flippant. Very, "If he can't handle my cheating, oh well! I don't need to wait..." I think your ego is getting in the way of your humility and remorse.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

No no no, I would very much like to be a part of his healing process. I am not rushing him to heal. I would wait for him for years if I had to. But I value myself too much to sit and wait for him to finish f*cking every woman he wants to. I know I messed up, but I am not going to sit and wait for him to get a piece of every woman who would put out to him. That's not healthy. And if anyone tells me to, well, they may as well talk to a brick wall.

Waiting isn't the problem though. If he said we can have no sex, and no communication for a year and just fix ourselves, but not see anyone else, and we can reconcile after that, I would say LET'S DO IT! It's the other women. That's not happening in my book, and there is nothing anyone on this board could say to convince me otherwise.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then i guess your decision has been made. He's seeing other girls, and you won't tolerate it.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> No no no, I would very much like to be a part of his healing process. I am not rushing him to heal. I would wait for him for years if I had to. But I value myself too much to sit and wait for him to finish f*cking every woman he wants to. I know I messed up, but I am not going to sit and wait for him to get a piece of every woman who would put out to him. That's not healthy. And if anyone tells me to, well, they may as well talk to a brick wall.
> 
> Waiting isn't the problem though. If he said we can have no sex, and no communication for a year and just fix ourselves, but not see anyone else, and we can reconcile after that, I would say LET'S DO IT! It's the other women. That's not happening in my book, and there is nothing anyone on this board could say to convince me otherwise.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Saying "oh well"gives the appearance that you could care less. I doubt that is true.
I do agree that if he is not going to work on this and mess around, then you have every right to move on.
However..saying oh well seems a bit cold considering the nature in which all this unfolded.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> No no no, I would very much like to be a part of his healing process. I am not rushing him to heal. I would wait for him for years if I had to. But I value myself too much to sit and wait for him to finish f*cking every woman he wants to. I know I messed up, but I am not going to sit and wait for him to get a piece of every woman who would put out to him. That's not healthy. And if anyone tells me to, well, they may as well talk to a brick wall.
> 
> Waiting isn't the problem though. If he said we can have no sex, and no communication for a year and just fix ourselves, but not see anyone else, and we can reconcile after that, I would say LET'S DO IT! It's the other women. That's not happening in my book, and there is nothing anyone on this board could say to convince me otherwise.


 I am not saying you are wrong, but I am saying that you want him to forgive you for the exact same thing you are not willing to tolerate from him. At least you are smart enough to know you still need to follow through with IC and get to a good place.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

DawnD, I understand what you mean. It's confusing sorta, but it's just he isn't doing this while we were happy and everything was going great. He's doing it on the verge of us getting a divorce. I'm not saying that if he decided to mess around, and I gave up on reconciliation that if he came back in 5 months that I wouldn't give it a second thought, but once I give up on this thing, I am not going to hold myself back. What if he waits so long after telling me it's over and he's dating someone else, that I start dating someone else and then all the sudden he wants to work on it? Situations like that. Now if I wasn't in a serious relationship or anything, then yeah I would probably strongly consider getting back together. But I am not going to sit and wait for 3 years to pass and wait on his every need and hold out all while knowing he's with someone else, for fear that if I do date anyone, he won't take me back. 

If that is how he wants to play, then he can play by himself. I hope all that makes sense. I can already sense someone on here saying I am messed up and a b*tch, but oh well. I am not willing to WAIT till he's done messing around to start begging for him back. 

I feel this post was useless because people are going to read only what they want to read and then get on the defense about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just see a lot of immaturity on both parts. Maybe it is best that you split for a while, if not permanently.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I get it,you're frustrated.Things can flip flop all over the place when you're in this situation.I think you were in a similar mindset the last time your H went away.So,take it easy,enjoy your family and don't jump too fast before you know more.Take care.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> DawnD, I understand what you mean. It's confusing sorta, but it's just he isn't doing this while we were happy and everything was going great. He's doing it on the verge of us getting a divorce. I'm not saying that if he decided to mess around, and I gave up on reconciliation that if he came back in 5 months that I wouldn't give it a second thought, but once I give up on this thing, I am not going to hold myself back. What if he waits so long after telling me it's over and he's dating someone else, that I start dating someone else and then all the sudden he wants to work on it? Situations like that. Now if I wasn't in a serious relationship or anything, then yeah I would probably strongly consider getting back together. But I am not going to sit and wait for 3 years to pass and wait on his every need and hold out all while knowing he's with someone else, for fear that if I do date anyone, he won't take me back.
> 
> If that is how he wants to play, then he can play by himself. I hope all that makes sense. I can already sense someone on here saying I am messed up and a b*tch, but oh well. I am not willing to WAIT till he's done messing around to start begging for him back.
> 
> I feel this post was useless because people are going to read only what they want to read and then get on the defense about it.


Well personally I agree with you and I don't think we should over-analyze every word that you type. instead we need to look at your overall statement and attitude towards your mistakes and what you are doing ro fix it.

Ultimately Stephanie no matter what you do there will always be someone here that will not agree with you or pick apart every word you say. trust me even the ones that get cheated on come here and sometimes get a good bashing lol.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stephanie. He has been forthcoming with you since DDay. All the time. He consider himself free agent. He should. You made him free agent. If you wants him back you are going to accept the marriage is over even if he doesn't file. He's basicaly a single man, very confused (he's still going with you to MC while telling you he has to file!!), but single. Imagine you find an atractive man outhere who happpnes to be your old husband. Have you persued a man before?


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Have I pursued a man before? Umm, in high school before I met my husband, yes. Why?

And pretty much TBT, you hit it right on. I am not going to fret over his choices anymore, but he can pretty much erase the idea of us having sex without commitment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just find it almost comical that you are putting all these restrictions when you were the one who slept with someone else without regards to how your husband would feel.

Which is why i think separating for a time would be beneficial to you both-- to see what is really worth saving here.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

That Girl, I never put a restriction on him. I didn't say "You better not sleep with anyone!!!!"

In fact, he has no idea about my feelings today. And he won't. He may ask why I all the sudden don't want to have sex with him, but otherwise he probably won't notice. I may also be a little more withdrawn from him. I will tell him I love him and I am sorry/ashamed for doing what I did. But I won't be on his balls about this. Someone (was sent in a PM) on here said be confident, and if he wants you he will come back to you. My life does not go on hold because he wants to fool around with other people and keep me along waiting for him to finish "spreading his seed." 

So I am going to put in tons of effort to have a really fun next 2 months and stay super busy and do all the fun things I've been wanting to do. And stay on top of this weightloss as well. That's been amazing


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stephanie

You said you'd do anything and wait any time you needed to get him back, to make up for your cheating. 

Ok - good! Now that he is out having fun without out, and you think he's doing something but have ZERO evidence you're ready to throw in the towel and file for D?

You've backed off D, but are now going to stop being loving and changing the rules you offered him?

I'm not advocating for you to be a doormat, but if you say you are gonna do anything - then do it. Your posts today are all about you drawing lines, setting rules, changing the game.

What has he done? has he knocked up another girl? has he had a multi-month affair? has he lied to you? nope, nope, nope, nope

If you are really gonna win him back you are going to have to deal with a lot more than him having fun and posting to FB. You're going to have to stay true loving and open.

Yes, it is really hard. It really is. So is being cheated on - yet he let you back at least partially into his life and heart.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This side of you that came out today is going to be your down fall. I think it's the same side that came out when you had the affair. It's the same side that led you to justify moving in with the OM when caught. And it's the side that's going to finally end your marriage if you don't learn to control it.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yeah, I guess I just don't want them putting their beliefs onto my husband, especially if they do not know the story. Both of his friends had been cheated on in the past as well, however they were also cheaters themselves.
> 
> Well, the counseling session didn't help much this time. Mainly because we only had an hour, and he basically needed me to explain everything that had happened in the last 10 days and that took a lot of time. He said though that if my husband really knew what he wanted, he would have filed. Basically, everything that we've been saying here. The counselor was very confused and said he hasn't seen anything like this before but we can keep working on it and just make sure I always stay pleasant.
> 
> My husband is outta town for the week so I can't do too much right now, besides wait, like I've been doing. Thanks guys


Thats not for you to decide but your H's choice. And they probably know enough about you and your 'story' if they are your H's friends.

Furthermore if they are really his friends then they have his best interest at heart, which should not threaten you. unless you dont.




Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Have I pursued a man before? Umm, in high school before I met my husband, yes. Why?
> 
> And pretty much TBT, you hit it right on. I am not going to fret over his choices anymore, but he can pretty much erase the idea of us having sex without commitment.


Like you did when he was deployed? why shouldnt he get his turn?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Stephanie---You are facing one MAJOR ENEMY---it ain't his friends, it ain't you----IT IS HIS SUB-CONSCIOUS

His sub--cons. talks to him at 3 a m when he wakes up by himself, from not being able to sleep, and when tears run down his face----his sub-cons, talks to him when he is by himself driving to and from, where ever, you have to understand his sub--conscious IS ALWAYS THERE, and it is always throwing its influence into your H's thought process.

It is his sub--conscious that is causing all of this----yes there are other components shifting in and out of his mind, influencing him, to go this way and that---but your enemy, and HIS enemy is his SUB--CONSCIOUS. That is what you must learn to deal with.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> If he wants space, then he shouldn't be coming to my house every single day up until the day he left. Coming over, and using having sex, him being all romantic and things like that, then him leave to Ft. Worth and all the sudden being every girl's new friend.
> 
> I am not trying to be rude to you, I very much so appreciate your response. I am just angry.
> 
> Edit: No, I have never cheated on him before this deployment. I said the last time HE did this ( a couple weeks ago he was inviting his old high school friend who is a female out with him to a hotel by the beach with a group of his friends )


I mentioned this in your last thread. That feeling about getting "used" and resentment. It did not take long, did it? Sex is confusing your emotions now. It is making you feel that you are more reconciled than you actually are.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Every post Steph writes shouts 'young person' . She hates that but its true.

She is trying to control her ego and entitlement but can't

And despite saying she will wait as long as it takes she is very impatient.

I think she needs to tell hubby that although she thought that she could tolerate anything while waiting for him, that actually she can't. Hypocritical as it is, she does NOT think she can share him with other women and is unlikely to want the marriage to continue if he chooses that path. Who knows what he's thinking ? He might be even younger head-wise than her. Only fair to tell him what's what from her side.

I can quite understand why he wants to punish her and get some revenge in but I do also understand how she can't live with that. 2 (or more ) wrongs never make a right


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

The cusp of this is that they are both young. The have some maturity about them, but there is also some of the youthfulness coming through.

Stephanie,

I believe you come here for just a sounding board. Somewhere just to let it out to strangers.

I am not trying to be rude when I say this, but I don't believe you have the patience to wait it out for him.

Doing things to get your mind off this is good, but keep in mind that you don't have to stoop to his level if he decides he's going to mess around while still married. 

You already did that..so maintain some integrity and have good clean fun until the divorce is done.

If he is not wanting to reconcile, I agree that you should not be confusing the matter by giving him sex.

I don't know if you were doing this, but you could have been consciously or subconciously using it as a bargaining tool.

It hasn't worked so of course you are angry and you appear to be throwing a little tantrum because of it.

That is understandable, however keep in mind the reason that all this is going on in the first place.

It is because of what you did.
His actions are a response of what you brought to the table.

He is, in essence, doing what you did.

He could be saying*..well she did this while I was away...so I will do this now that I am away*
He too has to wonder.."Is she seeing the OM while I'm away?"




I hope this works out for you.

This takes time, patience and a lot of humility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He will see something and it will trigger him. A random thought will trigger him, a song on the radio or a TV show will trigger him.

He'll have a dream, it will trigger him. He will meet someone with the OMs name, it will trigger him.

He will hear something, or smell something, it will trigger him.

A map with the town you cheated in, that will trigger him.

So many triggers and only one sad mind to try to process them.

But please, Stephanie, tell him from me that revenge affairs do not work. They might even make him feel worse than what you did to him. And I speak from bitter personal experience as someone who had a revenge affair. They aren't worth it. I think I lost a bit of my soul when I did it.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, I am thankful for the responses. Yes, part of this was to be able to get this off my chest because I am trying to not burden people who have no idea what's going on (so I'm burdening yall instead ). Another part was to get some insight into his feelings.

Maybe I am dumb as a door knob, but me being patient, at least in the regards I meant about waiting for him to come around, didn't involve other women. I could wait forever if it were just us, but it may not be. I don't think he's sleeping around.
Something I forgot to mention to you guys, is during the last week, three men have approached me who live in my new townhome complex. 2 of them did so right in front of my husband, blatantly asking if we were together, he said we were separated, and they said "Well we should hang out sometime" looking directly at me. This has been driving him crazy. He gets very territorial and even told one of the men off (thank goodness, saved me from doing it). But now, he's trying to make me jealous. Knowing that, is about the only thing keeping my sanity. I mean on DDay he joined a local sex meetup website and then decided no he didn't actually want to do that, but he keeps bragging about all the women who are emailing him for sex. I find it laughable, but whatever. The only part that bugged me were the FB messages with his "friends".. nothing sexual was said, but it still bothers me. These were private messages. Who knows though, maybe he knows I have his FB password and that's why he is doing it. No clue.

Warlock, yes, you were mostly right. I wouldn't have been angry if R never happened all while I was giving him sex. It makes me angry to think he's using me and other women for it (if he is?). So I am taking away that aspect of it. Don't quite feel like being a cumdumpster today.

And I cannot remember who said that I should talk to my husband about not being able to wait while he is with other women. I would LOVE to tell him that, but I'd feel dumb since he has been saying he wants a divorce, even though his actions aren't saying that at all. But if I said this, he'd say it right back that it doesn't matter because we're divorcing. :/

Either way, I am better. Better than yesterday at least. I've been posting how much fun I've had this weekend (I really did, minus the whole rage thing yesterday lol) and apparently that sparked his interest while he is out of town because he started messaging me and being nosey basically, which is fine by me. But I find it ironic. When I am miserable and long for him, he doesn't contact me. But the minute I am out having fun and paying him no attention, all the sudden he wants to talk. I don't know what to think about that. I am just going to keep to my agenda and keep coming to TAM to hear what yall have to say on my thread and others threads. Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are both very young and immature. 

Too much drama, too many games, WAY too much pride.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stephanie

What kind of vibe are you putting out that is making guys hit on you right in front of him ? 

And I do not mean that in the sense of you're asking for it!

What I mean is if when you are with him, if you are being "in love with him" etc. That should come through big time to other guys and they wouldn't be coming up to talk to you and to ask about your status and to hit on you.

And when they did - you should immediately be making it hard core clear - to the point of being rude - make it clear to these guys you are taken and not available for anything. ANYTHING.

Are you actually trying to stay married or are you trying to hedge your bets by making new friends?

I guess what I'm suggesting is that your husband needs to see you defending and protecting the marriage at all times. Yes he is undecided at the moment, but you need to be fully committed at all times. Any signs of doubt by you will hit him hard and push him away.

Yes it is hard. Yes it is a lot of work that just applies to you. 

And that is part of the heavy lifting you must do because it was you that cheated. (not a bash, just a cold statement of fact to remind you)


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> No no no, I would very much like to be a part of his healing process. I am not rushing him to heal. I would wait for him for years if I had to. But I value myself too much to sit and wait for him to finish f*cking every woman he wants to. I know I messed up, but I am not going to sit and wait for him to get a piece of every woman who would put out to him. That's not healthy. And if anyone tells me to, well, they may as well talk to a brick wall.
> 
> Waiting isn't the problem though. If he said we can have no sex, and no communication for a year and just fix ourselves, but not see anyone else, and we can reconcile after that, I would say LET'S DO IT! It's the other women. That's not happening in my book, and there is nothing anyone on this board could say to convince me otherwise.


So your saying, Steph, if he had a number of flings instead of one long term affair, you could not forgive him. 

Well, a fling is far less serious then doing the same guy for a year. LTA's always include an emotional component. 

A series of one night stands would not. It would just be sex. 

So you're saying you could not forgive that, but you expect him to forgive you. 

My STBEH told me the same thing. I asked him If I out of hurt and pain had a revenge affair if he could forgive me and he said no.

That is why he is the STBEH.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I mean on DDay he joined a local sex meetup website and then decided no he didn't actually want to do that, but he keeps bragging about all the women who are emailing him for sex. I find it laughable, but whatever.
> 
> 
> Don't quite feel like being a cumdumpster today.


 Why is it laughable that other women would email him for sex? Hate to have to say this, but you seem to have a really inflated ego. You may have had a lot of guys hitting on you, but I can guarantee you they weren't hitting on you with the thought of a long term commitment in mind. That vibe you pass off by thinking you are the ONLY one in your marriage that can go and get some from someone else is probably one of many things that is holding your H back.

It bothers you to be putting out to your husband without commitment, but it didn't bother you to cheat on him and put out with the OM??


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm glad to see today is looking to be a better day than yesterday, it seemed like you were frustrated, angry & confused, which is quite frankly to be expected.
Just as your husband is going through a range of emotions, you will too, there will be good days & there will be bad days, it's going to happen. 
Your choice will be what are you going to do on the bad days.
Even with the Internet beat downs you've gotten, coming on TAM on your bad days could help you stay focused on why you were here to begin with & hopefully keep you steered in the right direction.
Lots of work to do, it won't be easy, but you have to do it to give your full effort into the R with your husband. 
Think of it this way, he may not be physically around, yet that should not stop you from behaving as if he is. 
Live your life as if you two are still together, even though you're apart, your mind set should still be we are married, I've got to give this my all. 
You made a wrong choice in having the affair, just don't let that wrong choice contiue to guide you in your journey to R with your husband. 
Get your head together, you still have a chance.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I mean on DDay he joined a local sex meetup website and then decided no he didn't actually want to do that, but he keeps bragging about all the women who are emailing him for sex. I find it laughable, but whatever.


If I remember correctly, you didn't find it quite laughable when you found out he and his ex-best friend's ex girlfriend were planning on meeting up 3 hours away and that she had sent him a list of hotels in Galveston to check out. You even created a thread titled *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49997-i-want-die-right-now.html#post868111* to talk about it. I think your husband has proven to you that he is quite capable of attracting other women to sleep with him. Do you still find that laughable?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I don't think he's sleeping around.


IMHO that's all you need to know to don't give up, to keep fighting for him, including to f0ck him day and night!!!
He will test you, that's for sure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I guess you now have some stuff to work on in IC - such as getting your impatient nasty side under control?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stephanie, try this next time someone hits on you in front of him:

"Yes, we may be separated. And that's my stupid fault! But guess what? Though we're separated, he still has my heart, so please respect that."


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Matt Matt, coincidentally, all three men have approached me/us while I am walking my dog outside to go to the bathroom. All three have also made the comment that they see me outside all of the time. It is always my first time seeing them though. I guess seeing my husband there for the first time has made them curious as to my status since I am usually alone? 
Either way, he got on their asses (especially the 2nd guy) extremely quickly. And even if he didn't, I would just say "we are separated but seeing each other" because if I said "I am taken and you need to leave me the hell alone" my husband would surely say "um no were not, i don't care who you see" because he is just as prideful as me. As much as I can tell it bothers him and he gets jealous (rightfully so) he wouldn't want me thinking it does, so I believe in my hearts of hearts he would put that outloud if I said that.

Lol That Girl, you are super repetitive. In case ya didn't know, you've said that like 10 times, and it still isn't bothering me anymore. It seems that is your goal. Oh well.

And yes, I was bothered that he was wanting to go on a vacation with another woman. I couldn't give two d*mns about internet scam women (he showed me the emails, and they were obviously scams) emailing him because he put his email out there on this website. I don't even care about the vacation thing or him going to austin this weekend with her, because I checked his FB this morning and she actually shot his request down and said she doesn't want to go. So that confirms enough for me that he is just trying to up-play their situation to make me jealous. Because that is not the way he sometimes talks about their interactions.

Nope, I do not think I am hot-sh*t. If a man approaches me, it doesn't mean I am being whorish. In fact, all three of my neighbors approached me shortly after my daily runs and i was wearing basketball shorts, a wifebeater, and covered in sweat. Nothing sexy at all. Plus, I've been working on my boundary thing and the third man who approached me when I was alone, I made it crystal clear that I was dead serious about not wanting anything more than an acquaintance. I thought I made it clear when I met the first man in my neighborhood (while walking my dog, again) but he couldn't get the picture no matter how blatantly I told him.

My husband is a good looking man. I said I find it laughable that he is trying to make me jealous by telling me about all these women, but only after random guys approach me in front of him. I do not go around talking about these people in my neighborhood. As much as you guys would love for me to be acting hoeish and telling all men to come aboard, I am not. I am simply outside with my dog and getting physically fit. With my wedding ring on.

Oh hey MattMatt, I just saw your post about what to tell them. Something like that wouldn't be too bad. I can use that and change some words but that would work.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Stephanie , just read your old threads again. You seem a bit indecisive on what you want.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

It almost seems like it is bothering many of you to have curious men approach a young woman. Like it is unheard of. What if I just lied on here and wrote I am miserable and people egg my house daily as I cry myself to sleep in my closet? Oh wait, because I am coming here to be honest and get input on my husband's feelings. 

I am curious to know why he all the sudden wants to talk to me while he is out of town once he finds out I have been enjoying myself a lot this weekend. It's kind of upsetting that it bothers him to the point of wanting to talk to me (when I sent him a three page text the day he left to tell him I love him and to have fun on his trip, which he completely ignored) if I seem to be enjoying my life.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Stephanie , just read your old threads again. You seem a bit indecisive on what you want.



I understand and agree 100%. My feelings, just like his, change all the time. I know I want reconciliation, but this weird limbo stage is pushing me further away because I do not want to watch him potentially be with other people. If he wants to do that, by all means divorce me so we can both move on, ya know?

Oh someone had said that it's hypocritical to say I can have an affair and he cannot. I didn't know that two wrongs made a right? Idk what kind of world someone who is thinking about reconciliation would think that was a good idea lives in.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I understand and agree 100%. My feelings, just like his, change all the time. I know I want reconciliation, but this weird limbo stage is pushing me further away because I do not want to watch him potentially be with other people. If he wants to do that, by all means divorce me so we can both move on, ya know?
> 
> Oh someone had said that it's hypocritical to say I can have an affair and he cannot. I didn't know that two wrongs made a right? Idk what kind of world someone who is thinking about reconciliation would think that was a good idea lives in.


 Two wrongs don't make a right. But being a hypocrite means you scream about someone doing something that you yourself have done. No one said it was a good idea for him to cheat, just pointing out that its hypocritical of you to be pissed about the possibility of him cheating when you were the one who got the ball rolling.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Well yeah, I even said that myself DawnD. I've mentioned it several times that everything I say about it is hypocritical, so I don't say anything to him. I have even told him this, that I have feelings on the subject but I will not bring them up because it sounds hypocritical.

But saying I should just "accept it then take him back when he is done" otherwise I am "nastily impatient" is just silly. If that is a person's opinion, good for them. But there is no way in heck I am going to do that... beg for him back while he's sleeping with a bunch of women (hypothetically speaking, of course). We're both young and decent looking and could easily move on from this if that were the case. That is exactly what I would do at least. Now is not the time to add another affair.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well yeah, I even said that myself DawnD. I've mentioned it several times that everything I say about it is hypocritical, so I don't say anything to him. I have even told him this, that I have feelings on the subject but I will not bring them up because it sounds hypocritical.
> 
> But saying I should just "accept it then take him back when he is done" otherwise I am "nastily impatient" is just silly. If that is a person's opinion, good for them. But there is no way in heck I am going to do that... beg for him back while he's sleeping with a bunch of women (hypothetically speaking, of course). We're both young and decent looking and could easily move on from this if that were the case. That is exactly what I would do at least. Now is not the time to add another affair.


him, you or both?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well yeah, I even said that myself DawnD. I've mentioned it several times that everything I say about it is hypocritical, so I don't say anything to him. I have even told him this, that I have feelings on the subject but I will not bring them up because it sounds hypocritical.
> 
> But saying I should just "accept it then take him back when he is done" otherwise I am "nastily impatient" is just silly. If that is a person's opinion, good for them. But there is no way in heck I am going to do that... beg for him back while he's sleeping with a bunch of women (hypothetically speaking, of course). We're both young and decent looking and could easily move on from this if that were the case. That is exactly what I would do at least. Now is not the time to add another affair.


Its never "the time" to have an affair honey. The only difference is that you were secretive with yours, and he is being open about it. I have been trying to think of a nicer way to ask, but I am sure by now you know I am not trying to offend you, so I will just come out with it. Did you think that having sex with him was going to "erase" all the problems? I actually know a few people who think that way, only reason I am asking. You have put a lot of importance on the fact that you were sleeping with him, etc, etc. 

No one here will tell you that you have to wait around while he cheats. Of course you don't. All we are saying is at the end of the day, you are going to have to come to terms with what happened in your marriage. You will also have to come to terms with your part in the failure of the marriage. It doesn't really seem like you grasp the depth of your affair, but being that we are online here, I can't really tell. 

Why don't we switch the talk for a while, and talk more about just YOU. How do you feel about being a WS? Are you aware that in any other relationship, there is a good chance that the word will come out that you cheated in your first marriage?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> But there is no way in heck I am going to do that... beg for him back while he's sleeping with a bunch of women (hypothetically speaking, of course).


And I'd support you on this 100%. As I told you the first time I posted in your threads this is way more about self respect than any other thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, good luck in all this. I hope your husband does what's best for him. I hope he does what he has to do in order to heal or get rid of the awful feelings.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Stephanie:

Although I chose not to have a revenge affair, your feelings about your husband having one does show how it will level the playing field. 

All of sudden you understand his pain and indecision. 

Now the shoe is on the other foot. If he does have a RA to regain his self esteem, if you want him back, IMO, you must be willing to forgive his RA.

After all an RA is understandable. He has a reason. It is his shock and emotional pain causing him to act out. 

What was your reason for cheating? He was at war, and you were lonely. 

Well did you ever think that being in a war is lonely. It wasn't like he was away just because.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> It almost seems like it is bothering many of you to have curious men approach a young woman. Like it is unheard of. What if I just lied on here and wrote I am miserable and people egg my house daily as I cry myself to sleep in my closet? Oh wait, because I am coming here to be honest and get input on my husband's feelings.
> 
> *I am curious to know why he all the sudden wants to talk to me while he is out of town once he finds out I have been enjoying myself a lot this weekend. It's kind of upsetting that it bothers him to the point of wanting to talk to me (when I sent him a three page text the day he left to tell him I love him and to have fun on his trip, which he completely ignored) if I seem to be enjoying my life*.


Actually that seems just about right, people who are having fun & living their lives are more attractive than people who mope.
Also, you not contacting him but going on with your life doing things that don't involve him is going to peak his interest.
Look at yourself, are you not more curious about what he's doing when he doesn't contact you, but you know that he's out doing XYZ?
It's human nature & if he wasn't contacting you while knowing that you have in fact been living your life, then you would know that he was indifferent to you & a possible R.
I see it as a positive thing that he's contacting you, it means he's still interested in you.
It's when he stops all contact that you need to be worried about.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Satchel Rage said:


> Why not just let your husband have his flings for a year and then see if you can reconcile? You had your fun let him have his. If you don't like just fill out the divorce papers. It's as simple as that.



Steph:

I think this is excellent advice. Why not?

Why not separate so he will not be having an affair. 

In some states, if a person has a relationship with another person, while legally separated, it is not considered cheating and won't be held agains the spouse as fault if the spouse lives in a fault state.

Let him level the playing field, it is a way for him to regain control of his emotions and some self esteem.

Affairs are very ego inflating.


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