# Just need to know someone else relates



## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

My wife and I are both about 25 and were courting a few months. She wanted to get married this year and I gave in, i didn't want to lose her. She got pregnant with our child soon after. We had some fights and hard disagreements over a few months, the past four. We're both Christians and she said she would never divorce me unless I committed adultery. I haven't. She wants a divorce. We've been married nearly six months, and we've been together less than a year total. I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm frustrated. There are very much underlying things. Just need to know others have or are going through something similar.

Ps. She's told me that's she loves me up to the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. We fought a few weeks ago and she said she hasn't loved me in a long time. Seemed like everything was okay in spite of our disagreements. She took back pretty much everything she said. Said she wanted to run away the day we got married before God.

Pps. Her dad was incredibly abusive to her mother, her, her sister, and her brother. I'm pretty sure that's the issue. She calls him a monster and from all she said he did, she's right. She says I'm like him.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Cristian2737 said:


> My wife and I are both about 25 and were courting a few months. She wanted to get married this year and I gave in, i didn't want to lose her. She got pregnant with our child soon after. We had some fights and hard disagreements over a few months, the past four. We're both Christians and she said she would never divorce me unless I committed adultery. I haven't. She wants a divorce. We've been married nearly six months, and we've been together less than a year total. I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm frustrated. There are very much underlying things. Just need to know others have or are going through something similar.
> 
> Ps. She's told me that's she loves me up to the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. We fought a few weeks ago and she said she hasn't loved me in a long time. Seemed like everything was okay in spite of our disagreements. She took back pretty much everything she said. Said she wanted to run away the day we got married before God.
> 
> Pps. Her dad was incredibly abusive to her mother, her, her sister, and her brother. I'm pretty sure that's the issue. She calls him a monster and from all she said he did, she's right. She says I'm like him.


In what way did she accuse you of being like her father?
She may be re-writing her history with you to justify a divorce.
It's unfortunately quite common for a spouse to start rewriting their history with their mate in order to justify having an affair.
Take some precautions and check her social media and phone for any possibly alternate male.
If it turns out that she is in contact with another male, give her the divorce she wants.

Also suggest some marriage counselling, if you cannot find evidence of any infidelity.
What also can happen, if a child is abused, is that they are easily alarmed, because they don't know how to have perspective on dealing with a raised voice and even neutral faces can look angry to them. If you raised your voice, in an argument, that may bring back trauma to them in regards to emotional abuse that they suffered from their father. 
Marriage counseling can be good for you, because it can help find alternate ways to communicate that won't end up in an argument.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Cristian2737 said:


> Ps. She's told me that's she loves me up to the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. We fought a few weeks ago and she said she hasn't loved me in a long time. Seemed like everything was okay in spite of our disagreements. She took back pretty much everything she said. Said she wanted to run away the day we got married before God.


THIS type of action by a spouse is typically a re-write of the marital history. They are saying all this to justify their actions.
MANY times, this is done because the spouse wants to be with someone else.
Check her phone, etc..
Very sorry you are going through this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you ask her why she wanted you to get married if she didn't love you?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Her telling you she would only divorce if *you *committed adultry is a major red flag. Be prepared to be accused of cheating any time soon.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It sounds like your wife made the same mistake many make, that if she could only get married and start a family life would be just peachy. Why else the push to get married after only six months? Why else get pregnant so quickly? And then suddenly declare she hasn't loved you?

Because she was in love with an idea, not you. She was in love with the idea of a perfect little life to make her happy, you just came along at the right time. I'm not saying she simply used you, but I think her fantasy got ahead of logic. Maybe yours as well because you bought into it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill.


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## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> In what way did she accuse you of being like her father?


She says I'm controlling and manipulative. Other than that, she hasn't been too specific. She also says I'm too strict, religiously.



jonty30 said:


> She may be re-writing her history with you to justify a divorce.
> It's unfortunately quite common for a spouse to start rewriting their history with their mate in order to justify having an affair.
> Take some precautions and check her social media and phone for any possibly alternate male.
> If it turns out that she is in contact with another male, give her the divorce she wants.


I didn't know that rewriting history with a mate in order to justify oneself against them. Are there any articles or other posts i can read about other's experience with this?



jonty30 said:


> Also suggest some marriage counselling, if you cannot find evidence of any infidelity.
> What also can happen, if a child is abused, is that they are easily alarmed, because they don't know how to have perspective on dealing with a raised voice and even neutral faces can look angry to them. If you raised your voice, in an argument, that may bring back trauma to them in regards to emotional abuse that they suffered from their father.
> Marriage counseling can be good for you, because it can help find alternate ways to communicate that won't end up in an argument.


I've raised my voice in arguments we've had and she has called it yelling. That's something that reminds her of her dad, though he would actually scream and break plates and so on. I've never hit her or the walls. But i understand what you mean. She talks about "how i look at her" so i'm sure that's true. I recommended counselling but she says she doesnt care about this relationship. She doesnt want to do any counselling. She doesnt want me. She doesnt want to fix our relationship. She told my our parents that she would wait until she had the baby before pursuing divorce. I had mentioned marriage counselling but after our last argument she said she wants to go to counselling by herself. Says she wants to overcome her childhood trauma. Then she said we could go to counselling together, not for reconcilliation, but so we can have peace with one another while we co-parent.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Cristian2737 said:


> I didn't know that rewriting history with a mate in order to justify oneself against them. Are there any articles or other posts i can read about other's experience with this?
> 
> I've raised my voice in arguments we've had and she has called it yelling. That's something that reminds her of her dad, though he would actually scream and break plates and so on. I've never hit her or the walls. But i understand what you mean. She talks about "how i look at her" so i'm sure that's true. I recommended counselling but she says she doesnt care about this relationship. She doesnt want to do any counselling. She doesnt want me. She doesnt want to fix our relationship. She told my our parents that she would wait until she had the baby before pursuing divorce. I had mentioned marriage counselling but after our last argument she said she wants to go to counselling by herself. Says she wants to overcome her childhood trauma. Then she said we could go to counselling together, not for reconcilliation, but so we can have peace with one another while we co-parent.


If she says that she doesn't want you, that kind of settles it right there.

Do the 180. That means, you move away from the spouse and live for your interests only. You do nothing for her and just take care of yourself.
There is a good chance that she is connecting with somebody else.

The mind of a cheater | DailyStrength


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## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

She's having our child, there's only so much i could do to separate from her and not the child, even if i wanted to


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You are married to and are having a kid with basically a stranger. That's why all of this is surprising you, because you don't really know her. The other question is why did you "give in"? Did you not have any other options? Not much experience? It's important to figure this out so that a few years down the road you aren't giving up your whole paycheck to child support to several different women.

Side note, make sure you get DNA testing for the kid.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Cristian2737 said:


> My wife and I are both about 25 and were courting a few months. She wanted to get married this year and I gave in, i didn't want to lose her. She got pregnant with our child soon after. We had some fights and hard disagreements over a few months, the past four. We're both Christians and she said she would never divorce me unless I committed adultery. I haven't. She wants a divorce. We've been married nearly six months, and we've been together less than a year total. I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm frustrated. There are very much underlying things. Just need to know others have or are going through something similar.
> 
> Ps. She's told me that's she loves me up to the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. We fought a few weeks ago and she said she hasn't loved me in a long time. Seemed like everything was okay in spite of our disagreements. She took back pretty much everything she said. Said she wanted to run away the day we got married before God.
> 
> Pps. Her dad was incredibly abusive to her mother, her, her sister, and her brother. I'm pretty sure that's the issue. She calls him a monster and from all she said he did, she's right. She says I'm like him.


My husband recently told me the same thing , after I caught him with a coworker. It sucks, it hurts, but you are not alone my friend! Praying for you guys!


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## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> My husband recently told me the same thing , after I caught him with a coworker. It sucks, it hurts, but you are not alone my friend! Praying for you guys!


Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry to hear that. I will pray for you guys as well


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## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> It's important to figure this out so that a few years down the road you aren't giving up your whole paycheck to child support to several different women.


I agree, I'm going to see a counselor regularly


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cristian2737 said:


> I agree, I'm going to see a counselor regularly


Once the child is no longer nursing, you should arrange for 50/50 joint custody. That is the norm in the United States but I don't know where you are. They need to be with their mother when very young though. 

I think marriage was just too much for her because she didn't have role models for that. I think she liked the idea of it but not the reality. Probably even compromising is beyond her capabilities because of her issues with control, which I fully understand because that type thing is why I never got married. She needs to have her hands on the wheel and may never do well in any kind of living together relationship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cristian2737 said:


> My wife and I are both about 25 and were courting a few months. She wanted to get married this year and I gave in, i didn't want to lose her. She got pregnant with our child soon after. We had some fights and hard disagreements over a few months, the past four. We're both Christians and she said she would never divorce me unless I committed adultery. I haven't. She wants a divorce. We've been married nearly six months, and we've been together less than a year total. I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm frustrated. There are very much underlying things. Just need to know others have or are going through something similar.
> 
> Ps. She's told me that's she loves me up to the day she told me that she wanted a divorce. We fought a few weeks ago and she said she hasn't loved me in a long time. Seemed like everything was okay in spite of our disagreements. She took back pretty much everything she said. Said she wanted to run away the day we got married before God.
> 
> Pps. Her dad was incredibly abusive to her mother, her, her sister, and her brother. I'm pretty sure that's the issue. She calls him a monster and from all she said he did, she's right. She says I'm like him.


She got married to jump ship i bet. My wife got married to 1st hubby to escape the home.


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## Cristian2737 (Dec 4, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She got married to jump ship i bet. My wife got married to 1st hubby to escape the home.


Well, she got right back on that ship. We've been separated for a while at least a month now, if not more


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cristian2737 said:


> Well, she got right back on that ship. We've been separated for a while at least a month now, if not more


My wife admitted she married 1st hubby for completely wrong reasons and it was not meant to work....it was not right. We married for love and it is right. Been together 25+ and it is like we are on our honeymoon.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Cristian2737 said:


> Well, she got right back on that ship. We've been separated for a while at least a month now, if not more


You made a mistake. You weren't properly educated on how to pick a good spouse or how to be the kind of man that it takes to keep a woman's heart.
That's why we are here for you, so you can correct yourself and read the comments on this site, and other threads and the reading materials on how to be a better man.

Your willingness to learn will have better results for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not a shrink or anything but she sounds like she has a rip-roaring personality disorder or perhaps actually mentally ill. 

She's too coocoo for coco puffs to make a suitable partner, but hopefully she is at least a fit mother.


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