# Just made a very tough decision...need some confirmation



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

No finality to it, but my wife came over yesterday after I have spent the entire week doing LC and 180. I found an apt and told her I was looking at it next week and was ready to move on.

I told her I loved her and wanted this marriage to work but that I wouldn't wait around forever.

We have moved to a new city 6 mo. ago, so our only owned family home remains in the city we left.

I asked her to move out of this house and to go live with her EA. As some may have read, last week my wife sent me an e-mail saying that she needed to come home for 4 days because one of the roommates is having guests next week and they need the couch. It has cast doubt on whether they are actually a couple, because she could have just as easily stayed in her EA's bed, but obviously chose not to. She has paid for half the rent in this house. She said she had no where else to go. Could something have happened physically, maybe and when I first reported this, some have said I am being naive, but I see no other motive for her needing to come back here unless she is simply not comfortable sleeping in his bed. So I going to err on the side of the positive.

I do believe though that the EA is still tugging at her. The guy in question...so far from her type it's insane, plus there is a racial component that I am not sure she could ever breach based on 20 years of her saying so. Anything is possible.

Anyway, I sent her an e-mail end of week saying, found a new place, am going to either stay there while you are here or with a friend who has graciously accepted my request.

I left it at that. She responds practically begging me not to move to the apt and for me to please re-consider. It was nice, it meant that she is still unsure. Some like to call this plan B, I like to call it a shred of hope.

I have been clear to many that I Am responsible for years of neglect in our marriage, of falling into a career rut in the hopes that the business would take off again. So...sorry while I agree that her reaction has been heartbreakingly harsh that I will not blame her for feeling chocked and desperate to find happiness. My move down here was the injection of drive I needed and I now have a great job, am loving being back on the sales floor and I am doing well, with great hopes for the future. 

I am also learning to live with the possibility of going it alone, even if I don't want to. I love my family and my wife still.

SO yesterday she stopped by when dropping my son off and we talked. We both cried and she made all kinds of sense about wanting happiness and that this would be the only reason she could ever come back. That she wouldn't get back into another dark relationship. I believed her. 

We discussed my staying on in this house for another month while we waited things out. I said this would only be done on the commitment that she would think about us. She said that is all she does day in and day out is think about us and how she misses the family and dreams of it. I believed her...no reason to say that. She could have just said I just don't know.

I agreed to hold off on the apt ( wait there's more ) She also asked me not to complicate things and just stay here next weekend, under the same roof. I said I can't do it if your going to be texting your friend etc. She said she promised she wouldn't do that.

At the end of our conversation she came up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She repeated a line that I had said in an e-mail that day " I would give anything to turn back the hands of time ". I made the mistake of saying " yes but the future could be much brighter. She recoiled a bit.

So...i sat on this all night and this morning I wrote a letter to her saying that I just didn't think we were ready for all of the yet. That until she was committed to this, which I know she is not ready for. I told her that I think she needs to move back into this house and that I will continue searching for an apt. That while she is here next week that I am going to stay at my friends place, with the explanation that this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up because he is a new friend and someone who could open up a whole new world to me that I might need if things dont' work.

I also said that I wanted to go ahead with my plan to open my own bank account. 

I finished the e-mail with I want this family and I still love her, but I am finally feeling ok to be on my own.

Ultimately my reasons I did an about face was because I have read on this board of wives coming at their husband during a separation with kindness and love, tears and affection. I do believe her...I do believe she misses this family and I do believe she misses me ( she said that the first person she has wanted to call to talk about her dying step Mother and her Dad has been me...while sensitive to her heartache and my own because I have known and loved these people for 20 years but I have not been there for her these last couple of weeks ).

SO her reaction to my e-mail is what jarred me but didn't sway me to change my position, even though I wanted to run back and say..." I love you why won't you come back ? " Her response was " do you what you have to do...I am not going around and around any longer...the house is leased through June " I only responded with an OK.

I know that almost all of her spare time these last weeks has been caring for her ill parents. Weekends and evenings. 

I have to earn her back, if I want her still and right now I do. For the first time yesterday while she was in front of me, I was not aching. I was in the conversation and did feel pain but...

Trusted advisors on this board...did I do the right thing to hold my ground on my decisions, rather than cave to her requests ?

Nothing that was said yesterday by her lead to it's over, I am done, move on...this time away and my LC has had the desired impact, so there is no question that she is conflicted, which to me means that she is not over this marriage. She talked about what she wants...happiness and our being a team...she has said she misses the family and wants it, but that she is worried.

I even asked her to come up with a list of things she believes haven't changed, she liked that idea but doubt she will do it unless I push her to.

Did I do the right thing ? Is the smartest thing to do when your wife does this to you to pull back or stay steadfast.

Please no " divorce the cow " etc...

Note that last week when we exchanged e-mails I asked her if she felt divorce was where we were going...she responded if you made me decide right now...yes...

Thank you all


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> did I do the right thing to hold my ground on my decisions, rather than cave to her requests?


In one word: Yes.

She has to have a taste of what life will be like without you. It is unrealistic for her to believe that you will wait forever for her to make a decision for or against ending her affair and commit to marital recovery.

Continue with the low contact and the 180 degree rules. And etch this into your consciousness *women are repulsed by weak and weak acting men*. 

As strange as it sounds, sometimes in order to save a marriage, a man must show his wife that he is willing to end it.

Good luck.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank Morituri...was a very rough weekend, it threw me for a loop, as expected and yesterday, while not letting her know, I was a bit of a basket case, but the dust has settled and I am back on my path.

Some new developments have occurred, approaching passing of a family member of her's that has blurred some of my options to moving on, but I will keep on my path of LC and 180.

Thanks again Morituri. have a great day !


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You may want to cut her some slack seeing as what she’s going through with other members of her family. Maybe even just tread water as far as your marriage is concerned, no big decisions type of thing. And if you have the heart and love her family ask her what you can do to help out. Kind of put your own needs to one side for a month or two and see how it goes.

You’ve owned up to kind of being an ass in the past. I’ve a feeling you just failed a very big fitness test re not letting her back into the home with you still there.

Bob


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sorta on morituri's wavelength: the only way to get someone to see what they stand to lose, is to let them go ahead and lose it.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Bob... I appreciate the tough love, but for the record, I have not said no to her coming back to the house but rather simply that I would rather not be here when she is here. 

On the family, absolutely, I have repeatedly expressed and did just this evening how heartbroken I am and how much I dearly love her step mom and Father. I have also told her that I would put any decisions I was going to make on hold until things played out. I remain detached with everything else. She emailed me 10 times today with advice on where I should find an apt and then telling me she didn't know how to handle telling work about her needing the days off. I didn't respond to that one but I think I will help guide on that.

She came to pick up our son today and started rattling off a bunch of things she had sent off in e-mails, nothing about us and I seemed not on the same page so she asked, have you not read my e-mails from today. I said no not yet. I have been getting to them later in the evening, but when I do get to them I am light and laisser faire...usually starting with something like I did today which was " whew house was a mess..." then I address her questions etc about son, school whatever...


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Ps to Bob, you hit on a very important point and dilemma in my situation, because a 180 means that the person I have to present is one of confidence, kindness and happiness...I have lots of new confidence in the one area where I was lacking which was work, for several years, she knows how huge my heart is but it's an area I have to guard because the line between kind and drively is thin but the hardest part is the happiness bit, its the hardest battle I have to push towards. I am happy about my new city, my new job, but heartbroken at the same time. However, the less I see her and have contact, the easier it is to feel happy. we communicate mostly by e-mail, so I play standoffish til later in the evening therefore not allowing her immediate access to me when she always had it before but when I finally answer I play it off as if I had work or whatever to do, kind as though it took priority over answering her e-mails, but when I do answer them I am collected, light and responsive to a degree. The 180 in my case means making things as light as possible.

This looming death has made things very complicated, but as you rightly stated, while not making myself immediately available, I cannot turn off, although in truth, I don't believe my turning off is the answer, I believe that remaining close but not too close is what could turn things. To not jump at every communication but slowly release my responses, will keep her knowing that I still care but that she is no longer the priority, I am.

As mentioned I just sent an e-mail off this evening telling her devastated I was by what was transpiring and that love her family. I do, they love me...

Very tough situation to have to be going through a separation. My wife said this weekend..." your the first person I want to call when I want to talk about my step mom " I told her how much I appreciated that but right now I am hurting, so while my responses are deep and caring, the only thing I can think of doing to remind her that I am not there right now, is to delay the responses.

Thank you for all of the wise advice. This is what I need right now. As Bob correctly noted, I bare a lot of the blame for my circumstance so it's not so cut and dry. If I was just some wonderful husband who just got screwed over by his wife, then saying " see you lata " might be easier...


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

On a closing note though, I will re-iterate that throughout the course of my marriage to this woman, family and friends have all said " I don't know how you live with her ". In other words, while I will take blame, she has never been an easy woman to live with. Achingly beautiful but a real PIA. I could take it to a certain point, in the last couple of years she go plain mean and it wasn't fun, but I never fell out of love with her. Just so no one thinks she was some saint before all of this.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

frenchmanfl said:


> Ps to Bob, you hit on a very important point and dilemma in my situation, because a 180 means that the person I have to present is one of confidence, kindness and happiness...I have lots of new confidence in the one area where I was lacking which was work, for several years, she knows how huge my heart is but it's an area I have to guard because the line between kind and drively is thin but the hardest part is the happiness bit, its the hardest battle I have to push towards. I am happy about my new city, my new job, but heartbroken at the same time. However, the less I see her and have contact, the easier it is to feel happy. we communicate mostly by e-mail, so I play standoffish til later in the evening therefore not allowing her immediate access to me when she always had it before but when I finally answer I play it off as if I had work or whatever to do, kind as though it took priority over answering her e-mails, but when I do answer them I am collected, light and responsive to a degree. The 180 in my case means making things as light as possible.
> 
> This looming death has made things very complicated, but as you rightly stated, while not making myself immediately available, I cannot turn off, although in truth, I don't believe my turning off is the answer, I believe that remaining close but not too close is what could turn things. To not jump at every communication but slowly release my responses, will keep her knowing that I still care but that she is no longer the priority, I am.
> 
> ...


Can't recall laying any blame on you for your circumstances or your wife's affair. I'm a very much "Don't blame the victim" person.


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