# When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?



## amanda1959

I have posted several threads about my unhappiness in my marraigewe have gone through infedelity on his part, we seperated for a year.Now that we are back together he works at a start up company and has put many hours into trying to build a business, he belongs to two boards that require time away, he does mentorship programs for younger people and when we are at our cottage he is busy with maintenance and the cottage association for the lake we are on. 

As time goes on we are spending less and less time together which only seems to bother me because he is busy doing "his thing". His business partner leaves his wife for weeks at a time and my husband also travels to trade shows for weeks at a time. We had a recent holiday when he forgot my birthday as i stated in previous posts.

I think I am lonely...I have wanted a dog but he has said no to that idea so I hold off.

Is it fair for me to expect more from him?

I am always begging for his time?

What is wrong with this picture?

Am I a fool? he just keeps me around like an old pair of shoes...thats how I feel...

Do you think it sounds like the end?


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## MysteryMan1

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

Have you sat him down and told him how you feel? I think he needs to realize this lack of attention is making you contemplate leaving.


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## Mavash.

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

Lets see he's a cheater, you separated for a year and now he can't be bothered to spend time with you.

I'd say outlook not good.


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## All of a sudden

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

Sorry I dont have an answer, I'm in the same boat. My husband is trying to grow his business as he says. Its been happening for years. He did find time to cheat a tiny bit as he says. We were going to divorce, his choice but then he changed his mind. Has he changed his hours at all like he promised? No. I am very lonely for a mans company, i dont know how much longer I can last. I feel like a single mom with no freedom. I guess you got to ask what your getting out of the relationship? I guess im getting a place to stay and money for food. Its super lonely and I'm getting to the point of leaving. I want a loving relationship with a man in my life, but then i feel guilty because i dont want to hurt the kids. Ugg, do you have kids? How long have you been married?


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## amanda1959

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

He keeps saying I look at all the negatives and don't look at the positives...but thats not true! There has to be time spent together for a relationship to last in my books. He says I sound like a broken record and I do!!!
He just doesn't get it. He says "its not in my DNA to give back to society" i was so offended by that comment. I give to 100 children and staff and parents at work everyday!
He busys himself with work mainly then his boards and then his projects. He is spending weeks away for trade shows in vegas and orlando, not to mention the other business meetings and mentorship programs seemingly all to feed his fat ego? 

Other people feed him what he really needs and I feed him dinner every night...thats how it feels.

He was just away for a week and he could barely make love to me. He should be excited for sex after a week away. He says I am reading too much into it.


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## amanda1959

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*



All of a sudden said:


> Sorry I dont have an answer, I'm in the same boat. My husband is trying to grow his business as he says. Its been happening for years. He did find time to cheat a tiny bit as he says. We were going to divorce, his choice but then he changed his mind. Has he changed his hours at all like he promised? No. I am very lonely for a mans company, i dont know how much longer I can last. I feel like a single mom with no freedom. I guess you got to ask what your getting out of the relationship? I guess im getting a place to stay and money for food. Its super lonely and I'm getting to the point of leaving. I want a loving relationship with a man in my life, but then i feel guilty because i dont want to hurt the kids. Ugg, do you have kids? How long have you been married?


I have two children in their mid twenties, one still at home. Married 28 years.


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## amanda1959

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*



MysteryMan1 said:


> Have you sat him down and told him how you feel? I think he needs to realize this lack of attention is making you contemplate leaving.


This man does not "sit down" for long. If I tell him again and again that I desire more time together he says I sound like a broken record and then gets defensive and says that I don't appreciate how hard he works and that I dwell in the past and only negatives about our relationship...

I feel us growing apart...he says he doesn't but he is never home?

How does that work in a mans mind?


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## Mavash.

amanda1959 said:


> This man does not "sit down" for long. If I tell him again and again that I desire more time together he says I sound like a broken record and then gets defensive and says that I don't appreciate how hard he works and that I dwell in the past and only negatives about our relationship...
> 
> I feel us growing apart...he says he doesn't but he is never home?
> 
> How does that work in a mans mind?


It means he's cake eating,

He gets to do as he pleases while you keep the home fires burning.


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## *LittleDeer*

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

You need to start preparing your self to leave.
Get all the info you can on his finances. 
Do you work? If not start updating your skills and then look for employment. Start some hobbies and try not to worry about what he's doping.
Get fit and healthy and focus on you.
If you decide you don't want to divorce that's fine but you will be healthier and happier.


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## chillymorn

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

yep two smart girls up three I'd listen too them!!!!


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## Mavash.

The interesting question is WHY does he want you home if he's never there?


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## SunnyT

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*

^because divorce is like work.... depressing, you have to do mundane things for yourself, nobody's waiting for you when you get home...

It really is like a comfortable pair of old shoes. 

You have two choices....

1. Choose to live this way...figure out your own coping mechanisms

2. Leave.....and make your life just how YOU want it to be


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## EleGirl

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*



amanda1959 said:


> He keeps saying I look at all the negatives and don't look at the positives...but thats not true! There has to be time spent together for a relationship to last in my books. He says I sound like a broken record and I do!!!


Get the book “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. One of the topics in the book is about the time a couple has to spend together to keep the emotional connection.

A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things they both enjoy. The book has more detail on this.


amanda1959 said:


> He just doesn't get it. He says "its not in my DNA to give back to society" i was so offended by that comment. I give to 100 children and staff and parents at work everyday!


Perhaps the comeback to him when he makes this comment is that “it’s not in HIS DNA to give his wife the time that is required to meet her needs.”


amanda1959 said:


> He busys himself with work mainly then his boards and then his projects. He is spending weeks away for trade shows in vegas and orlando, not to mention the other business meetings and mentorship programs seemingly all to feed his fat ego?


He needs to drop the things beyond his job so that he spends at least 15 hours a week with you. You should be his priority.


amanda1959 said:


> Other people feed him what he really needs and I feed him dinner every night...thats how it feels.


What does he do around the house? You work. He works. He should be doing 50% of the housework, chores, cooking, shopping, etc? Does he push all of this off on you?


amanda1959 said:


> He was just away for a week and he could barely make love to me. He should be excited for sex after a week away. He says I am reading too much into it.


You are not reading too much into it. My advice is that write him a letter telling him what you need out of this marriage. That either he commits to doing what is needed or you are divorcing him. See a divorce attorney before you give him this letter and be ready to file if he will not work on the marriage.


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## Headspin

*Re: When your husband is "Too busy" to spend time with you is it time to leave?*



amanda1959 said:


> I think I am lonely...I have wanted a dog but he has said no to that idea so I hold off.
> Is it fair for me to expect more from him?
> I am always begging for his time?
> What is wrong with this picture?
> Am I a fool? he just keeps me around like an old pair of shoes...thats how I feel...
> 
> Do you think it sounds like the end?


This will be simplistic but to the point

Unless something happens NOW .......it is the end 

You can be nice about it but it seems he's not listening to you. I've come to a major conclusion about interaction with people after a year on this website - it's paramount that two people speak the same language, that they really understand the other's mentality or you basically will bypass each other.

You need to speak to him in a way where there is no room even slightly for misunderstanding. You live with him you know him what really makes him listen makes him pay attention - shouting at him or locking him in a room with you and being calm? I don't know, you do, but whatever it is you need to do it

That done, you need to make him understand that if you do not spend time together in some way regularly you will not be around to share in the millions he's working sooo hard for. !

Being together means exactly that - together.

Ask him if he wants to lose you because if he does he's doing all the right things to do exactly that

In his defense he can be so focused he's not seeing this at all but you should make him realize there is only one way this will end if he continues in the same vein and that you must see an instant change to let you know he is hearing you.

I bet the truth is he doesn't need to change much about his life just balance our more time with you - so you are not asking a lot 

If after that he remains unwilling then you'll maybe need to re evaluate it all and worry about other stuff ........(you did mention he cheated before so......)


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