# 27 years and now she needs to go



## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Where to start. I have never done anything like this before. I have been married to my college sweetheart for 27 years. We have long story that is anything, but ordinary. I will keep it as brief as possible. I just need a sounding board. I have no one to talk to. We got pregnant our senior year in college and decided to get married. We believed that was the path we were headed down anyway. We were a little you and naïve. We struggled financially early on. After a few years we thought we were on track. We decided to have another child 4 years later. Things were on track. We decided to have one more child 3 years after that. While my wife was pregnant with our third child we find out that our second daughter has a seizure disorder and is autistic. Hospital stays, bills, and a job loss brought back all of the financial problems multiplied by 100. I thought I needed to take all the burden on myself and closed off my wife on these matters. Young and stupid. I was in finance at the time. Instead of facing the reality head on and dealing with it the right way I decided to get involved with someone business wise that took me down a path that I knew was wrong. My choice. I am responsible. I didn't think through what I was doing and the consequences if I got caught. Long story short I committed a crime and wound up going to jail for 5 months. I left my wife for 5 moths with 3 young girls, one of whom was special needs. She stepped up like the amazing person she is and took care of things for those 5 months. When I returned home it took a little time for me to get back on track. She hung in there with me. The one thing that we never did, and now we both know we should have, was talk fully and truthfully about what happened and how it made her feel. She closed off. I tried to talk about it. So we just moved forward. 

Things seems to be getting back to normal a couple of years later. We seemed happy. We had been together forever so I thought we were okay. This all happened 16 years ago. About 8 years ago we decided to move to a new town so our special needs daughter could attend a better special ed high school program. We bought a new house and started a life in our new town. I believed we were continuing our journey and building our life together. Now through all this we did not make our marriage as much of a priority as we should have. It was very difficult with the time our daughter requires and the hospital visits and stays and both of us working. I still thought though we were mutually in love. I would do anything for her. 

A little over 4 years ago things started to change. She reacquainted with an old male friend from high school on facebook. It started out as chatting occasionally then grew into texting daily and phone calls. Then she started sneaking out and seeing him. And then one dreadful day she left her facebook page open, and let my suspicions and insecurity now, get the best of me and I looked at the chat. It was all sexual. And then she told him she loved him. When I asked her about it she said it just happened. She said that she didn't think she loved me anymore. She said now that she still resents me over 10 years later for what I did back then and can't forgive me so she wants a divorce. Never ever said anything for over 10 years. And I had asked more than a few times over the years. Especially right after it happened. So, I waited while she did what she was doing with this guy, and still no divorce or further talk of it. When I asked she would say she wasn't sure what she wanted. Then the guys fades away after a couple of years and I think maybe there is a chance for us still. 

Then we come to now. It starts again with another guy. A stranger. No previous connection. Which in my mind means she had to be looking for a relationship with someone else. When I ask her who she is talking to all the time now she tells me it is just some guy from her running group and they are just friends. Okay?? The a couple of weeks ago she says she is going out with the running group. She never came home that night. First time ever either of us has not come home in the 27 years we have been together, except of course for my 5 months in jail. She says she had too much to drink and did not want to drive so she stayed at one of the ladies houses. Funny thing is that I had to text her at 2am to find this out. She didn't even let me know on her own. So I check the cell phone bill and the only number she called after she left that day was his. And the only number she called when she came home the next morning was his. Circumstantial yes, but curious. Now last night she tells me she is ready to get a divorce. I am devastated. I know I did a horrible and reprehensible thing to her years ago. I told her many times after it happened that if she needed to leave me for that I understood and would support her in her decision. Nothing. Now all these years later she is telling me again that the resentment has built up so large for her that she cannot love me or stay married. I am far from innocent here. But she knows I have devoted my life to her and love her unconditionally forever. She was my world. I know people can change over time and people can fall out of love. But, this is so hard to describe. My world is falling apart right in front of me. She is the only person I confide in. She is gone. 

Thank you for listening/reading.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have to move on, there is nothing else to it.

You both have poor communication skills, and what you did, doesn't excuse her behavior either.

Even in her new relationship, she will go through similar issues. She doesn't communicate and holds resentment over time.

She doesn't know how to let go in a healthy manner.

Also a lesson for you, just because someone says nothing, does not mean that they are content.

You two never dealt with the issues of your infidelity and your crime.

You did abandon your family.

When you invested your time into another woman, you didn't put that emotional energy into your family or your wife.

When you were in prison, that to was a sort of abandonment.

You proved that you can't be trusted.

Now that she has abandoned you in return, you probably have an inkling to what she feels.

Fact is, she has been fishing around for a new man for awhile to leave you.

You just buried your head in the sand and never dealt with her first affair like you should have.

Fact is, you two, don't know how to be in a relationship.

You can expose the affair and hope it breaks, the fact remains, you will still have a fractured relationship.

You need to go to therapy to deal with your issues.

You can't control her, and you can't make her see reason.

She is reacting to her emotions, and will not seek logic.

Learn to detach to become a better person, and fix yourself.

Loving anyone unconditionally is a bad idea, and your an example of that.

I am sure at one point she loved you unconditionally too, and looked at how that turned out.

Your still alive, and you still can make changes.

Rarely does a walk away wife ever return, the statistics are against you.

Most likely she stayed for the kids, given the time that has passed.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

This may have some to do with your going to jail, but mostly I think it has to do with not putting any effort into your marriage.

This is what happens when a womans emotional needs are neglected for years on end. You stop being her friend, companion and emotional lover. You become a partner in finance and raising kids, not a good place to be.

I don't know if you can fix this. It is really hard once those flames go out, but not always impossible. She wants to be courted, admired, and have that excitement back. If she wants a divorce then you may have to give it to her. If she is willing to give it another try, you can read some books and figure out what you can do to get her back without turning into a wimp.

p.s. break your post up into paragraphs please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

railbird77,

Your post is a huge wall of text. It's hard to read so most people will not. Please edit it and add white space so it looks like it has paragraphs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You two never dealt with the issues of your infidelity and your crime.


The way I read OP's post, he did not cheat he got involved in a bad business venter with someone... I presume a guy. They got caught and OP did 5 months in the big house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There might still be a chance to fix this. Get the book * "Surviving an Affair" * by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says.

After that get * "His Needs, Her Needs"* and * "Love Busters"* .. both by the same author.

Those books are the best advice I could give.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you for the responses. I also did go back and edit the post to include paragraphs. Rookie mistake. We no doubt have had poor communication skills about our relationship has time has gone on. We became so invested in our special needs daughters life and her care, and then multiplied years ago by what I did, that we just allowed our own relationship to stop being a priority. Neither of us has a lot of family so we had no one to leave our daughter with if we wanted to go out just the two of us. It was difficult. No date nights or anything. Still was that way until today. By the time we figured that part out almost 20 years had passed. Plus, for both of us, each other is the only person we have ever been in love with and had a long term relationship with. We were not very good over time at us. Maybe she got bored finally with only being with one man ever. I was her first and only. And she was not my first, but the only woman I have loved.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

what do you want to happen?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

5 months in jail is not the same as holding resentment for over a decade and having an affair. She cold have said the same thing, with the exact same reasons, without having an affair.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hey,

Sorry you are here. You are going to get a lot of good advice here. Your friends here have lived what you are about to experience.

I just wanted to say, I walked in your shoes and my outlook was the same as yours. Reality for me ended up having a smokin' hot girlfriend and a new Harley three months after WAW left.

Oh and by the way, my WAW came crawling back.

Follow the advice here. You are going to survive and thrive.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your opinions, advice, and support. I appreciate it. I did want to try and work it out and stay married. Our situation is a little unique, not only because of what I did years ago, but mainly due to us having a special needs daughter. So much of our life for the past 23 years now has been wrapped around her and her well being. She doesn't deserve to not have both of her parents available to her at all times. Not sure with her autism how she will comprehend it if she goes through with her divorce.

I have done my best to try and understand her feelings and point of view also. We both feel now what the other did was a betrayal. At first I think she tried to rationalize to herself that her affair way okay because I hurt her first. She backed off that stance after a while, but now we have the second guy. I told her in my opinion the first one could qualify as a mistake, the second one is a conscious choice. My opinion.

And Stretch that is an awesome story  Glad things worked out for you in the long run. Definitely put a smile on my face and maybe put a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you everyone. This has been very helpful.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

railbird77 said:


> Thank you everyone for your opinions, advice, and support. I appreciate it. I did want to try and work it out and stay married.


If that's your goal, what is your strategy? Let her look for other men and hope she doesn't find one that wants her?

You need to put it all on the line. I suggest getting into marital counselling to work on the communication. Then give her the option to date other men, or stay in the marriage and work on it. She can't keep one foot in the marriage and test drive other men. It doesn't work like that. She is either in or out. 

Now, just because she decides to be 'all in' doesn't guarantee it will work out. But if she is not, it does guarantee it won't work out.

Don't be afraid of laying it down as an ultimatum. Yes, you were not husband of the year. You can even admit that. But it doesn't make what she is doing justifiable in any way.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There might still be a chance to fix this. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says.
> 
> After that get "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".. both by the same author.
> 
> Those books are the best advice I could give.




In addition to these books -you should check out "MMSLP" Married Man Sex Life Primer....Then after that read "its not you its biology"...

Might not help in terms the serious issues you are having wiht your wife...but it will go a VERY long way towards helping you understand WTF is actually happening. 

Good Luck..


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Emotionally she is very far gone. Read about the 180. Take responsibility for parenting as you always have. 

Spend time on yourself. Work out. Renew friendships. Spend time on your hobby.

If the 180 does not get her attention, then you must accept that you must both move on.

How economically dependent are you on each other?


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you for the advice....I wish I could say I have a strategy, but I don't. My emotions are all over the place. We have been together for over 29 years now. We are habit to each other. Hard to just stop that and think rationally for myself. And I agree that an ultimatum is the thing that makes the most sense. I am working on that !!

We are dependent on each other financially. Mainly due to the mortgage. I earn quite a bit more than her though, so she comes out on the short end financially is she leaves. It would be difficult for her.

Honestly, emotionally and even somewhat rationally I don't recognize her a lot of the time over the last few years. Quite a change.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I think you don't need to issue an ultimatum. Let action speak. Do the 180. Do not express resentment or anger. Just work on detaching. File for divorce. Show that you can move on. Your life is not going to suck.

She may feel that you are not a prize. But if you show that you have self confidence, you may change her opinion of you. You need to remove any B plan status that you have in her subconscious. It is possible that losing you will wake her up.

If you separated, you can date. Perhaps you don't feel ready but it couldn't hurt to have coffee with some women, not to start a relationship but simply to end your feeling of isolation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

railbird77 said:


> Thank you for the advice....I wish I could say I have a strategy, but I don't.


I gave you the name of a book that will give you strategy that has worked for many people.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

It's funny. Most of the advice and things that all of you have replied to my post about I now see the more and more I talk and interact with her and pay attention to her actions now. Maybe my eyes are opened now, or I came back to reality  Thank you. This forum has been a huge help in just a couple of days.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

If you want your wife back then try to win her over like you did so many years ago.
Relationships take work and when one partner checks out and leaves all the burden to the other, well feelings fade fast. 

I was in your wife's shoes.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Quick update on my situation and again I appreciate everyone's feedback. Of course she didn't pursue moving forward with her divorce yet because she can't afford to do anything. But, she still couldn't show me the respect of not pursuing her new relationship. She has lied twice about going to see him within the last 3 weeks. I don't even have to dig to find out. She has never been a good liar  

I asked her about where she was last night, even though I her friend told me she wasn't with her (again she is a bad liar), and she attempted again to blame it on me for what I did to her in the past. I have become the center of resentment in everything in her life. I have been the only constant in her life for almost 30 years. She has no relationship with her parents, brother, or extended family. Yet I am the negative force of all things bad in her life. Everything she could not accomplish, etc.. That is what was said to me today.

And now she told me she "hates" me because she got angry that I finally called her out on some of her behavior. I told her if she wanted a boyfriend, for the second time, she should have left first. Or asked me to leave. I finally stood up for myself some. Of course it then went poorly with her from there.

Then after the smoke cleared I see how upset all of this makes our 23 year old autistic daughter and my heart breaks all over. This is one ridiculously messed up situation. I know I should get far away from her. Far far away. I can't offer any more than my love, support, heart, and soul. But, how do I leave my special needs daughter?? She needs both of our care, love, and attention all the time. I feel my heart going in ten different directions/pieces.

Thank you for listening again


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

The problem here is that she thinks she can do whatever she wants for the rest of your relationship. Any time she meets a man she's attracted to she can have an affair. And every time you get upset over it she will say she's allowed because of what you did in the past. If she feels that badly about it she can get a divorce. What you did in the past isn't a free pass to treat you like garbage.

The fact is she chose to stay. She can't hold this over your head forever. Imagine what would happen if you did the same and when she complained you said "It's okay because you've cheated on me a number of times". Do you really want to stay with someone who will have affair after affair until she can find someone who will stay with her. At this point she will leave anyway.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you for the response. I know in my mind a lot of what you said makes sense. I have thought the same things for the last few years. She could have left the marriage at any time. I did not post this before, but I offered on more than a few occasions over the last 15 years for her to leave and I would make sure it was more than amicable in her favor. She never took me up on it. I admit though I also buried my head in the sand and didn't realize the signs she was giving me without actually leaving.

I know I need to distance myself from her. My mind is slowly but sure gaining ground on my heart. Honestly, I think if it wasn't for our daughter right now, I am strong enough to leave her. I am trying to come up with the best plan I can for a bad situation.

Thank you again for your thoughts. They make sense.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there man and be there for your kid...but as far as your old lady goes...the only thing she deserves from you right now/tonight is your indifference.

She doesn't deserve your hate and anger or your caring love....simply a strong and confident man that will no longer tolorate a women that shows little to no respect at all.

Take care of your self cuz no one else will. You have to be emotionally healthy for your daughter so focus on being a better you.

Your old lady is bringing out the worst in you so stay away from that sh1t and if some gets on you, then wipe it off with out worry and focus on you. Your phucking old lady is a cancer !

So stop letting her sickness define you...that crap is all on her.

Indifference brother....that's all she gets from here on out. And if she gives you any crap for "being an @ss whole" ...just tell her you don't see it that way and walk away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing...one of the things you need to get over is worrying about what your old lady thinks.

Go out and have a cigar with a buddy....you now don't have to worry what your old lady has to say...she is no longer your problem.

Go fishing and fry up some bass in the kitchen....do you need to really care what your old thinks.

Go to the shooting range....do you really have to answer to your old lady on how much you spent on ammo.

Hell if your into rubber stamps go spend the day at a craft fair...you no longer need to answer to your old lady.


Let her be someone elses problem.

The opposite love is not hate....it's indifference!


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I've seen it happen with my marriage, and with others who have children on the autism spectrum. In my support group for parents of autistic kids, only one is still married to the child's father. 

Marriages by default take a back seat to the children when they are special needs. Therapies, get in the way of date nights. Crises stop all communication but how to successfully manage crisis intervention. It is hard. It is sad. It happens. 

Add her ability to hold a grudge through purgatory, and it's a recipe for disaster. She is escaping the reality of her life with these guys. The reality that her life will always be that of a mom with an autistic kid. If you want to keep her, you have to understand this and validate it. Perhaps I didn't. And he sought solace in another. She may still not come back, but you will still have to become emotionally strong to pull your kids through this. She is going to shirk her responsibilities for a while. Eventually they do tend to come back, but one parent ends up the primary care provider in these situations and it sounds like you may be that parent. 

I had some excellent help by way of our behavior specialist when mine left. I'm not going to say life is perfect. He makes twice as much as I do and it's hard. But the fact is, even though you make more, SHE chose to leave. She chose to shirk her responsibilities as a mother and a wife. And ultimately, if her life is difficult, it is her own fault. 

You have apologized repeatedly, and shown remorse for your faults back then. She has chosen not to let go for ten years. Her lack of forgiveness is not your problem. It is hers. 

Do what you must to protect yourself and the kids. This is your nuclear unit now. And she has lost jurisdiction there.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank you for your responses. It is really good to get many different points of view, but most still come to a similar opinion. The Guy thanks for those words. You made me laugh, and that doesn't happen easily these days  BFGuru it is really nice to hear from someone who has a child on the spectrum and has that understanding of how difficult it can be to raise a special needs child and also try to keep a healthy relationship going. There is very little time to spend one on one. Something has to give or suffer and it is no doubt we let it be us. You have to put your child's need first all the time. Between the constant necessary care, doctors visits, hospital stays, etc. your life becomes consumed with this. But, you wouldn't have it any other way. We have an amazing 23 year old daughter now who has been through more turmoil than anyone her age should, but she is our angel and the heartbeat of our family. 

And I agree with what you guys said about our situation. She knows she could have had all the time in the world from me if she stayed committed to the marriage. But, she is the one who now has chosen twice to go to another man instead of me. The first one could maybe be written off as a mistake. I certainly made my mistake. But, as I told her the other day the second one is a conscious choice. That is devastating to me. And you show no remorse. I have to start moving on now. it is her turn to chase a little if she decides to. If not as I told her last night it will be her loss too. Her crap the last few years actually made me stronger and more confident. I depend on me. And honestly, she is much more reliant on me than I am on her. 

Thanks so much again. This is a great forum and group of people


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Well, here is a quick update. First, I tried to find a common ground with her mainly for our daughter, and because we have spent so many years together. I know financially she cannot make it on her own right now. I guess I just keep remembering her as I used to know her. I admit I feel a sense of responsibility towards her that I am having trouble letting go. But, she is not interested in common ground and decided she was just going to continue to do whatever she wants when she wants. She ignores me when I try to speak to her about things. If I press her she gets loud and starts throwing the past in my face.

I guess today I hit my breaking point. She out of the blue decided to tell my daughter and myself she was leaving for the day. Well, it doesn't take much thought to figure out who she was going to see. All I asked her before was to be honest and tell me if she wanted to see her new guy and if so then it was time for her or me to leave. So, I asked her where she decided to go, instead of doing something with our daughter today like I had asked her yesterday. I was told it was none of my business and that it was time to let go of her. Okay then. 

So now I am sitting her with an upset autistic daughter trying to explain to her what just happened. One thing I will agree with my significant other on here is that it is karma to me. Because years ago when I left for 5 months she had to do the same thing. Although that was almost 15 years ago and she was only 7. And I have no idea if she is going to come home or what to expect next.

WOW. I am a little lost at the moment as to how to handle all of this. Thanks for listening, AGAIN.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I was like you last year. The sooner you see that you are better off without her the better you will be. It's going to take time...it's going to take dedication. Me and my STBXW were High School sweethearts and married for 22 years. She too had two affairs. The sad thing, I still tried to get her back after the second time.

I'm with a smoking hot lady that treats me with more love and understanding than I ever received from my STBXW AKA Raider. I still have the desire to break her POSOM's face but that too has subsided. 

SCRAPE OFF


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The less you focus on your wife, the more time and energy you will have towards healing and your daughter. Also, cut all financial support towards her, and separate finances. Go see a lawyer, and document everything. Now is not the time to be the loving, doting husband. Now is the time to protect you and your daughter's interest.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Hi, so here is my dilemma now. Personally, I think I am ready to leave. She had decided that she is just going to do what she wants with who she wants. I am just wasting my time, personally. But, how do I leave my special needs daughter? I spend more time with her than anyone. I have a job that gives me the flexibility of schedule to be with her as much as possible during the day when she is not feeling well. How can I possible upset her world by not living here with her?

I don't see how it is possible to live in the same house with someone who doesn't want to be with you number one, and then number two has decided it is okay for her to have a boyfriend and not leave. She isn't going anywhere right now. She can't afford to.

I decided to see how serious she was. I offered to pay for the divorce so she could leave now. I told her if her and her new man were this serious I am sure he would help her out or take her in. Her family is non existent for her so she has no options. So, if someone is leaving it is me. I could walk away from her right now and not look back. But, how can I possibly do that to my daughter?

I am thinking this may be one of those moments in life where you have to suck it up and put your personal feelings and hurt aside for you child....Has anyone had a similar decision to make??


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stay in your home.

File for divorce.

Ignore you WW.

Feel free to date.

Don't discuss your daughter with your WW. No point.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree, do not leave, file for divorce seeking full custody and make sure you have affair evidence.

Keep your daughters environment consistent and safe.

It is in your wife's best interest to feel the consequences of her conscious decision to remain in an unrepentant state over her adultery.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

railbird77 said:


> Hi, so here is my dilemma now. Personally, I think I am ready to leave. She had decided that she is just going to do what she wants with who she wants. I am just wasting my time, personally. But, how do I leave my special needs daughter? I spend more time with her than anyone. I have a job that gives me the flexibility of schedule to be with her as much as possible during the day when she is not feeling well. How can I possible upset her world by not living here with her?
> 
> I don't see how it is possible to live in the same house with someone who doesn't want to be with you number one, and then number two has decided it is okay for her to have a boyfriend and not leave. She isn't going anywhere right now. She can't afford to.
> 
> ...


Tell your WW to GTFO. She can move in w/ her boyfriend.


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Well, Christmas has come and gone. I spent it at my parents house as is always the tradition. My "wife" always has hosted a Christmas eve brunch for the family, but this year she conveniently sidestepped the subject and ignored our oldest daughter when she inquired about it. So she spent both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day basically by herself. Because even when we are in the house together we are in separate parts of the house.

And then yesterday she sunk to a new level. And I am finished making excuses for her. Our special needs daughter was not feeling well, and unfortunately that is a common occurrence for her. Normally when she is feeling this poor we both stick around and take care of her. It is what she wants. And that is always the priority. On this day though, she made plans on her own without saying anything and got ready to leave. When I asked her where she was going she said she was taking a friend out to dinner. To explain, this is a friend from H.S. who is also special needs. She has taken him out occasionally over the last couple of years. Previously I would not have thought anything of it and believe her. This seemed a little too convenient.

So, I run to the store to get some things for our daughter and some groceries, and while I am out she decides to text me and ask me when I will be home because now she needs to leave? Why would have to leave before I get home if she is just taking this friend out to dinner? When I get home she is actually gone. I text her and ask why she could not have waited 15 minutes and she said she just had to go. She said he just called her and was ready. I admit I hassled her a little then and told her if she was going to see her boyfriend and lied about taking Chris to dinner that was pretty crappy. She went off on me 

Then magically she came home about 10 minutes later for some reason and tried to stick to her story. There is no way in hell that if she was going where she said she was going that she would have came home. And now it is my fault that she came home and she "hates" me  I really wish she could just go at this point. My guess is she feels trapped because she can't make it on her own financially. Plus, emotionally she is all over the map.

This is gong to be an interesting house today. And the next day. And the next day  I finally am starting to sense my feelings for her diminishing and in more control of my emotions.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sorry for your situation.

Has anyone done something similar? Well the closest I can get is that I stayed in my marriage after my wife's affair, being treated badly for some time and basically living separate lives, for the sake of my kids. But while i had some challenges with offspring, none of them were technically special needs.

You can decide how that compares to your situation, and therefore whether anything I write is applicable to you.

I have two points, neither of them revolutionary.

The first is that she has decided to go this way, and that his her choice. Ultimately you can't stop her. She is going to struggle financially if you divorce, but she has chosen that, her choice, her problem. It may be the kindest thing to cut her loose now...I assume your are in your mid forties and that gives her some time to structure her finances for retirement.

The second is, you probably have to make some hard choices about what is best for your daughter. I know your ideal is to provide a loving home with both her parents, but if that cannot be (because of your wife's decisions) what is the next best option?

The third thing is, you cannot give endlessly. You need to receive as well. I am not urging you to become selfish but your needs have to be part of the mix, for sustainability,

Good luck with it all.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its good to hear that your heart and mind are not accepting poor behavior nor accepting blame for it. I am grateful you are tuned into your daughter. She needs you. Is this other guy married?


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## railbird77 (Nov 18, 2014)

Thank your for the words of support, and advice. It is all helpful. Just a listening ear is helpful these days. This site has been a tremendous help.

No he is not married. He is divorced. They met supposedly in her running group. Which means that she made herself available to a stranger. I told her she could go if she wants. I can handle everything for good here. She is still here !!

She is definitely, at this time, not the woman/person I have knows for the last 30 years.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So sad.. so sorry.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You and your daughter would be better off without her now.
It sounds like you cannot see that, let her go.
File and make a life for you and your daughter, she can "fit her in" around her boyfriends.

It is what is happening now only with a lot of drama, tension, and pain.

That would be the thing most likely to change her, it's unlikely though.

I am sorry for you, take some action to improve your home life for both you and your daughter.

Take care!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why would you even ask your old lady were she was going?

Why would you even text her when she already left?

Can't you see every time you engage her she just throws more negitive **** at you.......is it really worth it?

You could have had the whole day with out her crap and you screwed that all up!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

the guy said:


> Why would you even ask your old lady were she was going?
> 
> Why would you even text her when she already left?
> 
> ...


Well, he ended up c0ckblocking her, so it was good for something. :smthumbup:


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