# What a way to start my shift



## smokey23 (Feb 5, 2009)

Hey guys new here and figured I could get a little perspective from someone a little older and wiser. 

Here it is. I've been with my wife for 8 years. Married for about 4 of those years. We have 2 kids one 2 years old and the other about 5 months old. before my first son was born, we both worked and had a combined income of about 90 000 CAD a year. After our first son, I took a transfer to a different town (on the assurance I'd get a promotion and a raise to bring my sole income up to the level of our combined) It didn't happen. Then things went south as most things do and the work wasn't there. During this time I've been the sole provider for my household. I've tried my best... I've done all I can short of working 2 jobs and never being home and the bills are still choking me. I switched my job after I realized that I wasn't going anywhere in the other job, but it isn't quite enough either. It's not like We have huge debts, it's more nickle and dime crap that is killing me.

So Anyway before I ramble, I did the financial spreadsheet for her (as I did a year ago) and showed her that We need at least another 500 to 1000 bucks a month more to scrape by and eat something other than kraft dinner all the time. I got the same arguement I got then. Daycare will cost more than I'll make, daycare isn't an appropriate enviroment for a child. I should be home with my babies ect ect ect. Then my mother in law got involved and called me a P O S for suggesting that I make her princess work. Anyway we had a fight... and when I fight (and get as frustrated as I am) I say things that nobody should say and I called her a stupid b**ch and left for work telling her that I didn't care how she did it, but she better be prepared to help out financially. I work 4 hours away for 2 weeks in and one week out. Yesterday (I hadn't been at work for more than 2 hours) I get a call from my mother in law "You're a f**king assh*le" no hello nothing just opened with that. So I hung up on her and phoned my wife who casually informed me that she was leaving me because I was verbally abusive. Right away I get another call... another payment bounced... I shut my phone off and had a breakdown. 

I left work after telling my boss I was having troubles and went to my mom's house (no money to get a room for the night or food for that matter) and I've been chewing this over for a while now. Kind of an instant replay sort of thing. My grandmother (a saint to be certain) offered to pay my wife 1000 bucks a month to stay at home with our children rather than go to work. I feel like a parasite taking that help but she wasn't taking no for an answer. we agreed before I left for work that would be alright until she found something she could do from home. (day care book keeper ect) Then she tells me she's leaving after taking that kind of help from my grandma. 

What kind of person has she turned into? 

We had a fight a couple weeks ago when my truck broke down (it's a 77 ford I don't splurge on my vehicles) I asked her to come up for 3 days and stay with my mom so I could use her car to get to work because if I miss work we don't eat right. She told me no fing way was she driving to where I was at 10 at night in the middle of winter. Now I know that is a lot to ask but I was desperate. So I missed work for a day and fought to get that POS running again (which I didn't BTW) and proceeded to live in the shop for the last 3 days of my shift. Ever try to shower in a washbay? Not easy!

I'm at my wit's end with her trying to make her see reason... I can't keep leeching off my mom and grandma to support her, and I surely can't keep bouncing payments like this. Wondering if my children will be there when I get home is killing me. I can't eat or sleep and I don't think it's because she might not be there. I've had enough of her. It's my kids. without them I have no reason to keep going... It's like we keep going in circles I tell her the same thing almost monthly and I'm tired of it... She has this bastardized barbie view of the world and I'm sick of hearing it. Do I need the reality check or does she? Thanks for letting me vent. And I apologize if my language offends anyone.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You both do.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think you are both feeling trapped by your situation. It is very difficult to make the switch from 2 incomes to 1 and keep the same standard of living, especially in this economy. Since you both have one common goal, being with your kids, you can use that as a starting point, but you will both need to be able to have a calm talk about how you can compromise to make it work and keep your family together. If you feel she's compromising and she feels you are, you will have a shot at working things out, but the verbal attacks and blame will need to stop.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I get verbally abusive when im angry, too. ive yelled some pretty mean things at my H. It breaks my heart now. You have to stop saying those things to your wife. I know its hard, believe me, but if your goal is to see your kids when you get home, and give them a good home, the verbal abuse is not going to help. It affects them as much as it does your wife. Directly and indirectly.

I dont know what to tell you about your financial situation. My H and I live very conservatively to avoid these kinds of things. We have no tv, the smallest place we could find (in a good area), and i take the bus. i have a car but the bus is cheaper. we're always looking for ways to cut back. it gets to be 12 degrees here but we never turn the heater on. we're thinking of going to just one cell phone. is there anything you can sell? something you can cut back on?


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## smokey23 (Feb 5, 2009)

we're working on that right now... I'm pretty well out of things to sell, and I can't really cut back on anything else. We have no TV just internet. I work away from home alot, so we can't ditch a car. and it gets to 40 below up here so we really need the heat... we've been running bare bones for a while now and it is starting to scare me... but I think I have the finances fixed and since me and her have talked I agreed to go for counseling and take an anger management course. Now if I could get the mother in law to quit interfering things would be great. (I had to report her harassing messages to the facebook admins. She just won't quit)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

smokey23 said:


> Now if I could get the mother in law to quit interfering things would be great. (I had to report her harassing messages to the facebook admins. She just won't quit)


Probably once your wife feels like she can go to you, she will stop going involving her mom. that does need to stop. the MIL's could both be a support in these times, but you've both made them weapons.


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## smokey23 (Feb 5, 2009)

The mother in law took this project on her own initiative. The wife didn't involve her, she took what she was seeing and blew it out of proportion. She's been doing things like this since I met her daughter and now that I am older I don't take her crap like I used to. It's gotten ridiculous. I guess that is going to be one of the things I bring up in my first therapy session.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

smokey23 said:


> The mother in law took this project on her own initiative. The wife didn't involve her, she took what she was seeing and blew it out of proportion. She's been doing things like this since I met her daughter and now that I am older I don't take her crap like I used to. It's gotten ridiculous. I guess that is going to be one of the things I bring up in my first therapy session.


Ya i have a MIL like this, too. My mom would be like this if i didnt tell her to knock it off. I told my H that he was going to have to learn to get his mom out of the picture, at least as far as i was concerned. if he wants to argue and fight with her, fine. good luck with that. but i told him the minute she starts harassing me, he better put a stop to it. and he has. it took him awhile b/c it was really hard for him to stand up to his mom, but he did and she doesnt talk about me anymore.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

Not sure if I'm older or wiser, but here's my opinion. There are many ways to supplement the monthly income. The obvious, she can get a part-time job, maybe working around your schedule or working an arrangement w/ her mom to babysit and the kids won't have to go to daycare. Or...the kids could go to daycare and in most states there is daycare payment (childcare assistance) for low-income families that are trying to work or go to school. Or...she could babysit, as little as two kids would probably bring in at least $700, but probably much more depending on the state you live in. She could also work from home, one reputable company is West (I did it while I was in school), it's legitimate, no money to invest, and all you need is computer w/ internet and you guys already have that, you work when you want and you are basically taking orders for the home shopping networks, the website is www.workathomeagent.com (I think, it's been years). Also, have you all applied for any govt assistance: healthcare, food stamps, welfare, etc...


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

By the way, I would give up the arguing and would tell my mother in law to kiss my a$$, sorry for the vulgarity. But regarding you and your wife, no offense...but you are broke, stressed, tired, w/ 2 kids-a toddler and newborn no less, been there done that-it cannot help but be tense in that environment. Go to counseling, but otherwise quit talking about it, instead of talking about it start making things happen! Like looking into some of the things I mentioned and presenting her with a plan of action!


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## Jen (Feb 26, 2009)

What has happened to men in our society????

Holy cow, I can't believe there's even a question here. You are the MAN! Support your wife and children! I'm a sahm, and my husband wouldn't have it any other way. We have our problems, I assure you, but he would crawl through broken glass to make sure that I am the one raising our babies. 

Things are hard economically right now; I get that. Find another job. Work longer hours. It doesn't matter what it takes, you should be supporting your family. I honestly cannot see how you can look in the mirror and call yourself a man after calling your wife a stupid ***** because she wants to raise her babies. Besides, she's right; anything she makes will just go to daycare. Figure out a way to support your family and be a man.


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