# Feel It Slipping Away



## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

I haven't had time to read through the other posts, but needed to vent.

I haven't had sex with my husband in over a year now. I love my husband and we are great partners in almost everything, but our sex life and compatibility when it comes to that, is just non existent.

I feel like I hold back a lot, because I don't know what to do to please him. He got to where he couldn't get hard and he blamed it on meds and said he'd talk to his Dr, and said he did and they changed his meds, but he never really got back to trying to make it work with me. A couple of weekends ago I tried to initiate and he just laid there and said something to the effect that sex is just boring with us, always the same thing. He said he likes sex, I said I do too, we just don't work well together. He asked if I'd consider a threesome. I told him that doesn't really usually end up going well. He said "Sure it does." I asked if that meant he had someone in mind already? He said no, I could choose. (and I know he means whether man or woman - I don't think he'd care) I didn't know what to say and was silent. ((Just trying to take it in)) He just said "Well, guess that was it for our big talk." SO - that killed the mood of me trying anything, I felt like he didn't want me touching him and I stopped.

Now it's a couple weeks later. I've noticed on the cell phone bill that he's been constantly texting with a few women almost every day. (for at least 6 months) I just don't know what to do. Do I go against my comfort level and consider doing a three way for him or do I suggest an open marriage if I know he's not going to be happy with me? I'm afraid of making it alone and I really don't want a divorce. I'm just really torn. I DO miss being desired. I know he loves me, but I"m just not sure he's IN love with me any more. 

I just want to cry.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So can he even perform? That may be one reason he isn't interested in sex. No three way and no open marriage. If he isn't into you or isn't in love with you then he needs to man up and tell you that and not be a wimp and just cheat on you which it sounds like he is already doing. He doesn't sounds like a great husband, he doesn't care if you are satisfied in bed, all he cares about is getting himself satisfied with other women. I know you don't want a divorce but if he continues to behave like this I wouldn't want to stay in this marriage.


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

It's been so long that I don't know if he can perform or not. I don't know if it's him or me when it comes to that. I'm ASSUMING he can perform or he wouldn't want to do a three way? That would be embarrassing for him I'd think?

I know I need to sit down and have a conversation about all this with him, but I'm just afraid of what I'm going to hear. There have been "incidents" in the past. I truly don't believe he's ever physically cheated on me. Now - emotionally - I don't doubt for a minute. Maybe I'm just stupid, but there's not really a lot of room for physical cheating. We are usually with each other. BUT I know he messages and texts other women. He gets really sneaky like and will be on his phone and immediately put it away when I walk in the room.

In the past he's been into weird things. He's PAID women to send him worn panties and I'm sure would probably talk to them online. I usually find out about these things and eventually confront him about it and we talk it out, but it's just emotionally tiring for me. He tries to be so secretive about it all. when he started doing that he'd have the packages sent to a "friends" house. (until I confronted him about it) He's a "techy" guy, so he's always passcoded me out of everything. I get it. I'm nosy. I'm just the opposite type of person - I have nothing to hide, so I don't care. He's totally the NON nosy type though and wouldn't read my diary if I left it open on a table in front of him.

I'm just not ready to accept our marriage is totally dead, but I might need to start mentally preparing myself for when we have our next "talk".


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Have you considered he may be into pornography? Heavy usage can impact the way he responds to you.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

If he's "sexting" these people its physical. I'd bet the farm his ED is due to infidelity. ...
You need to get a couple VAR's one for his car and one for swapping out while you listen to the other.


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Oh yes, I KNOW he's always been into looking at stuff online.
Gave up that battle a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago.
We've been married 17 years.


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

I'm not sure if he's "sexting" or not. Is a VAR a recorder?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Excessive porn used can and will cause ED because the brain get reprogrammed in the way it gets aroused. 

VAR stands for Voice Activated Recorder. It would only work if he is making calls to these women and not just texting them. If you have their numbers, check the phone bill call records.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you define "talk it out"? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

My wife and I have been together 23 years and married 19. Sex was never good. My wife hates kissing and has NEVER given me (or anyone else) a bj or even kissed my **** or balls. 'Its disgusting'.

Sex was always on her terms..I would try to initiate but get turned down etc. When she decided she did want sex it was very boring...usually me tickling her back whilst she tugged and scruched my balls then PIV. Both orgasm and done.

Because of my wifes attitude to sex and her complete and utter disregard for my needs and her constantly rejecting me I started to lose all sexual interest in her. She now does absolutely nothing for me....even if she really wanted to give me a BJ and a prostate massage etc I really don't think I could rise to the occasion either physically or mentally. 
Thats the amount of 'damage' she has inflicted over the years.

Perhaps the OP and her husband might have a similar issue? She says they both like sex...but is she doing what he wants and likes? Maybe because she refuses, say, to give him what he really wants - a bj - he has clammed up?

I know this sounds as if I am placing all the blame etc on her...I'm not.....all I am saying is that if they have never really been sexually compatible, why?
Maybe he is 'sexting' someone who does make him feel good?

Marriage takes two to make it work....marital sex can be boring but there are loads of men and women on TAM who have been married 130+ years and still have a great sex life (with each other!). 

But I suspect the only reason is because they BOTH work at it, they BOTH do things that maybe they dont really want to do but do it because they love the other..etc etc.

Lose that spark and I think it is almost, not completely but almost impossible to get it back.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How did you initiate? What were you wearing? How did you start? If he says it's all boring, is there something new you could try? Maybe something that was not allowed in the past?


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