# Is there really life after divorce?



## WhyMe66

So, here's the deal. I met my wife at work, I was a cop and she was a dispatcher. She'd just come out of a divorce and I had been divorced for a very long time. She and I hit it off real well, we both love dogs-a lot more than we like people sometimes-and it seemed like my inner demons played well with hers. Five years later she is banging someone she works with (different job) after all we have been through together. My dad passed, her brother and cousin all passed during our marriage. There were other challenges too, and I haven't always been the best husband. I never lied or cheated, though. I have been unreliable, made mistakes-but I recognized that and worked harder to fix these. I could handle the kitchen as well as her, I took care of laundry when she needed it, stood by her when she faced things that terrified her... I don't know what I am trying to ask, except will the pain ever stop? Will things get better because right now it all looks like the inside of a septic tank. I mean, I know in my head that things will get better but I don't FEEL it. Make sense?


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## Mr.Fisty

It does, your life is abruptly changing, and what you envisioned is not reality. Plus, you are going through the withdrawal of detachment, which takes time. Since she was part of some of your major life happenings, she is ingrained with those memories and all the emotions it invokes.

The only person who can make your life better is you, and set it more on a positive path through your own actions. Cannot say I guarantee you anything, you can increase those odds. Just keep working on your own issues and find fulfillment with yourself before entering another relationship should you choose to do so. But, int the meantime, it is okay to feel pain and sadness.


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## farsidejunky

It is normal, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

Have you eliminated interaction with her?

Google "180: the healing heart". It is an amazing tool for helping you detach.

In the meantime, have you exposed the affair you her bosses boss? Her family? Your family?

Have you separated accounts?

Is she still under the same roof as you?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985

Sorry you are here.

Is your wife still wife or is she STBXW? What was the reason for her failed marriage? Infidelity?


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## Openminded

There absolutely is life after divorce. I've been divorced three years and I love my life. I know it seems bleak now but it won't stay that way. 

As to your wife, sounds like you could have been a rebound for her soon after her divorce. After this divorce, it would be better if you don't get involved with anyone recently divorced. Rebounds unfortunately don't often work long-term.


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## jb02157

It's good you don't have any kids with her, keep it that way. I would suggest you get evidence of what she's doing before hitting divorce court. I won't tell you that things get better because anyone I know who's male and has gone through a divorce has gravely suffered financially. It does seem in your circumstances you have a choice though. The courts favor women so even though she's the one having the affair, it won't matter.


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## feeling lost

It sucks I know. Are you divorced now?

All I can say is think of and take care of yourself. The pain will be with you a long time I'm afraid. Try to establish a new life for yourself, meet others, keep busy (work is great for that). Be gentle with yourself.


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## Holland

Of course there is life after divorce, you have been there before so you should know this. It is a hard life stage to deal with for sure but it is up to you how well you come out of it. 

Take your life lessons with you, take responsibility for your part in the marriage ending (don't take her share of the responsibility) and heal yourself. Being an unreliable partner is a major issue so really delve into why you are like this.

You have had 2 divorces now, take the time to find out why and own it. You can have a great life post divorce as long as you own your mistakes and learn from them.


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## Betrayedone

Drop her miserable ass and move on........She is dead to you......Save time and don't fret over her lack of morality. The sooner you move on the less pain you will endure. Thanks for stopping in.....please pay on your way out.


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## 2ntnuf

There is life after divorce. You found it once, you can find it again. 

Never go by how I am doing. Very few here know my full story, what I went through and how it affected me. I'm not the average case. Even I feel much better than when I first came here. 

If you work on yourself, focus on your life and what you want for yourself, take some chances with new love and life in general, you will live again. How exactly do you do that? Well, I'm working with a counselor to figure that out. 

Sometimes, we have to redefine what happiness is. 

Many, dare I say most, have and will find a happy life after divorce.


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## IIJokerII

Let's see... Oh, I know, a post-marriage A.K.A. Divorcee checklist of pro's..

Peace of mind.
Self respect.
Happiness
Control of your own life. 
Elimination of insanity.
Expulsion of an abuser.
Did I mention Peace of mind.

There are some con's though.

Con-Tinue on the path towards healing and freedom
Con-vince yourself that you matter, cause you do
Con-versate with people who want you in their life.
Con-template what you want in life
Con-stant living a life on your own tems.


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## sparrow555

Are you divorced or are you in the process of getting divorced ?


Try posting in the Coping section of you are still dealing with her betrayal.


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## Philglossop1

There is life after divorce. In the early days it's tough and hard and almost like wading through treacle.

But there comes a point when it stops being so hard and life improves and becomes sweeter. I honestly think this happens after 1 year because then you've have had all the anniversaries and coping strategies. 

For example. My 1st Christmas was hard, but I filled it with new experiences and events. In the 2nd year I took the parts I enjoyed and carried them on and now they are the new norms after year 3 Christmas. I cannot imagine going back to doing things like when I was married at Christmas because those traditions are gone.Its a bit sad, but it is what it is.

You'll get there and you'll love it one day- I promise!


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## WhyMe66

farsidejunky said:


> It is normal, but it doesn't make it suck any less.
> 
> Have you eliminated interaction with her?
> 
> Google "180: the healing heart". It is an amazing tool for helping you detach.
> 
> In the meantime, have you exposed the affair you her bosses boss? Her family? Your family?
> 
> Have you separated accounts?
> 
> Is she still under the same roof as you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


We have separate accounts but we live under the same roof. She is moving in with her f***buddy after the divorce is final. Oh, they managed to show their hinies at work, the big dogs know all about it. I try not to interact with her but that hurts too. I keep hoping and praying that I will wake up and she will tell me it was a terrible night terror...

Sorry, I didn't know anyone replied, I guess there is no automatic notice to that effect?


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## WhyMe66

sparrow555 said:


> Are you divorced or are you in the process of getting divorced ?
> 
> 
> Try posting in the Coping section of you are still dealing with her betrayal.


In the process of getting the divorce. I honestly didn't want this, I wanted to reconcile and fall in love with each other again.


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## WhyMe66

blueinbr said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Is your wife still wife or is she STBXW? What was the reason for her failed marriage? Infidelity?


I guess that the reason she screwed around and then filed for divorce is the "shiny new" wore off...


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## WhyMe66

Openminded said:


> There absolutely is life after divorce. I've been divorced three years and I love my life. I know it seems bleak now but it won't stay that way.
> 
> As to your wife, sounds like you could have been a rebound for her soon after her divorce. After this divorce, it would be better if you don't get involved with anyone recently divorced. Rebounds unfortunately don't often work long-term.


Honestly, at this point I would rather take my dog and go live in a cabin in the woods. Or tend a lighthouse (if they weren't automated) or anything else other than date! I do not want to go back out there...


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## WhyMe66

jb02157 said:


> It's good you don't have any kids with her, keep it that way. I would suggest you get evidence of what she's doing before hitting divorce court. I won't tell you that things get better because anyone I know who's male and has gone through a divorce has gravely suffered financially. It does seem in your circumstances you have a choice though. The courts favor women so even though she's the one having the affair, it won't matter.


The children of our marriage are a German Shepherd, Great Pyrenees and Rhodesian Ridgeback. Seriously. We are both "I don't care who dies in the movie as long as the dog lives!" But, anyway, Texas is a No Fault state. No alimony, nothing like that.


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## WhyMe66

Holland said:


> Of course there is life after divorce, you have been there before so you should know this. It is a hard life stage to deal with for sure but it is up to you how well you come out of it.
> 
> Take your life lessons with you, take responsibility for your part in the marriage ending (don't take her share of the responsibility) and heal yourself. Being an unreliable partner is a major issue so really delve into why you are like this.
> 
> You have had 2 divorces now, take the time to find out why and own it. You can have a great life post divorce as long as you own your mistakes and learn from them.


My last divorce was a long time ago and I filed, I pushed for it. I was not grown up enough to be married. In this case she downloaded the forms and started the process 7 months after we got married! Right after the honeymoon period wore off. I will own my mistakes, but for the love of Bob, seven freaking months?!?!


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## sparrow555

WhyMe66 said:


> In the process of getting the divorce. I honestly didn't want this, I wanted to reconcile and fall in love with each other again.



Can you post your story in CWI with a bit more detail about the discovery and the subsequent event. You really could use some 2X4's. 

How did you end up like this ? After she cheated and left you, you want to fall in love with her again ? There in lies your problem. You cannot ask people to respect you when you can not respect yourself. 

Being a doormat is not being in love. In fact it repulses most woman


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## GuyInColorado

I'm in the middle of a divorce. When I separated, I started making me a priority. Working out 4 days a week, eating healthy 95% of time, little alcohol, and lots of water. Cleared my mind and got my body into shape (back into 31 jeans and built muscle). Now I have my confidence back and started dating already, seeing an amazing woman 3 months later. But I was long gone in my marriage before the separation...living in basement bedroom for 6 months, doing my own laundry and making my own meals, etc. I was ready to date after a miserable 8 years of sexless and loveless marriage. Everyone is different.

Reading No Mr Nice Guy also was helpful, I read it a few times. Time to realize your mistakes and move forward. Life is all about failing and learning. Marriage is hard... I still don't know if I ever want to get married again. I want to share my life with someone and be there every day to support each other, so who knows..


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## See_Listen_Love

OP how old are the two of you?


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## joannacroc

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but you came to the right place. You mentioned your inner demons - can you tell us a bit more about what was troubling you during your marriage and how you two went about addressing/managing them? 

First of all...YES, there is life after divorce. It has been 1 year and 3 months since I separated and my divorce is almost final now. There are problems and worries in life just like there are before marriage, but there is also joy, friendship, and even love. Maybe it's not necessarily romantic love, but you'd be amazed how being knocked on your a$$ makes you re-examine your priorities. Get in touch with an old friend you haven't spoken to in a while, try a new activity that you don't associate with your wife. Do yourself a favor and do NOT even think about dating for a long time. You're not ready to even think about it. Get the 180 list in front of you, and follow it. It will help you work on your confidence and your self so that you don't take steps backwards in your recovery from what is a pretty devastating turn of events.

In time, maybe in a year, when you're healing and more comfortable, when the divorce is final, maybe you'll be ready to think about dating, but right now, it shouldn't even be in your head. Right now you're miserable and feel like you've been kicked in the gut. That's not good energy to put out into the universe - like tends to attract like, so you may end up with someone in exactly the same state as you if you consider dating right now.

Go and see a counsellor. Go and see a lawyer. Call friends and family. Talk. Don't spend time alone. Try and fit in exercise - late at night when you feel like you'll never sleep again, exercise will help you be able to finally fall asleep. It also can help a lot with the depression that comes with a horrible revelation like this. 

Stay safe, friend. You'll get through this.


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## 2ntnuf

WhyMe66 said:


> My last divorce was a long time ago and I filed, I pushed for it. I was not grown up enough to be married. In this case she downloaded the forms and started the process 7 months after we got married! Right after the honeymoon period wore off. I will own my mistakes, but for the love of Bob, seven freaking months?!?!


Actually, the honeymoon period usually lasts between 24 - 30 months.


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## Holland

WhyMe66 said:


> My last divorce was a long time ago and I filed, I pushed for it. I was not grown up enough to be married. In this case she downloaded the forms and started the process 7 months after we got married! Right after the honeymoon period wore off. I will own my mistakes, *but for the love of Bob*, seven freaking months?!?!



You get extra points for this saying. I'm going to steal it.


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## WhyMe66

Holland said:


> You get extra points for this saying. I'm going to steal it.


Copyrighted.


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## WhyMe66

2ntnuf said:


> Actually, the honeymoon period usually lasts between 24 - 30 months.


Not this time-I was there, I saw it. I took notes.


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## Holland

WhyMe66 said:


> Not this time-I was there, I saw it. I took notes.


Good example of why I bang on about us second timers needing to invest at a minimum 2 to 3 years before remarrying. Mental health issues, past baggage and other issues are very likely to be part of the package. They may take 3 months to show up or 2 years.


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## WhyMe66

Holland said:


> Good example of why I bang on about us second timers needing to invest at a minimum 2 to 3 years before remarrying. Mental health issues, past baggage and other issues are very likely to be part of the package. They may take 3 months to show up or 2 years.


I am solving that problem real easy-I am done. No more. Give me a cabin in the woods and a good dog, I will get along just fine. People tend to svck.


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## Holland

WhyMe66 said:


> I am solving that problem real easy-I am done. No more. Give me a cabin in the woods and a good dog, I will get along just fine. People tend to svck.


Oh no not all of them. I get it though and for a while the cabin might be a good idea.

The thing is that although getting divorced sucks it can be a great learning tool as well. For me it was just as important to work out what I didn't want in a future partner than what I did want.

At least you now have the makings of a list of "do not want" on it.


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## WhyMe66

Holland said:


> Oh no not all of them. I get it though and for a while the cabin might be a good idea.
> 
> The thing is that although getting divorced sucks it can be a great learning tool as well. For me it was just as important to work out what I didn't want in a future partner than what I did want.
> 
> At least you now have the makings of a list of "do not want" on it.


90+% of them do. I tend to have to deal with people at their worst. As for a future partner I am thinking I don't need one, don't want one. What for, really? If you know of anyone that would like to get rid of a cabin let me know. I'll move in and grow a Ted Kaczynski beard...


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## WhyMe66

See_Listen_Love said:


> OP how old are the two of you?


Late 40's.


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## 2ntnuf

WhyMe66 said:


> Not this time-I was there, I saw it. I took notes.


Good for you. Too bad you didn't realize before you married her. As others posted, you will know more now and will have a better picker for next time.


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## WhyMe66

2ntnuf said:


> Good for you. Too bad you didn't realize before you married her. As others posted, you will know more now and will have a better picker for next time.


True, except there isn't going to be a next time. My first marriage, I sabotaged but she wasn't any good, either. Neither of us were. The second one (engaged-broken off) hurt so much and I got really self destructive. She threw me over for another guy. This time? She wanted to screw around. I accepted-but since have rejected-blame for "not making her feel loved and wanted." Bullshyte-she wanted to screw and I wasn't available. Third strike, I give up. Chicken Ranch in Nevada, here I come.


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## 2ntnuf

WhyMe66 said:


> True, except there isn't going to be a next time. My first marriage, I sabotaged but she wasn't any good, either. Neither of us were. The second one (engaged-broken off) hurt so much and I got really self destructive. She threw me over for another guy. This time? She wanted to screw around. I accepted-but since have rejected-blame for "not making her feel loved and wanted." Bullshyte-she wanted to screw and I wasn't available. Third strike, I give up. Chicken Ranch in Nevada, here I come.


I'll tell you what. You give it some time, go to counseling and find a nice woman and you never know what can happen. But, I hear you. Either way, as long as you are happy it can't be all bad.


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## WhyMe66

2ntnuf said:


> I'll tell you what. You give it some time, go to counseling and find a nice woman and you never know what can happen. But, I hear you. Either way, as long as you are happy it can't be all bad.


I feel a little better each day.. Some bad days, some not so bad, the occasional good day... One Day At A Time.


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## GuyInColorado

Charlie Sheen once said.... I don't pay them for sex, I pay them to leave! 

Not a bad way to deal with the problem.


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## huebnem

Well, there is life but I call it work. Thankfully I don't have to worry about work drying up because there will always be criminals! I guess you could say I live my life one case at a time...I just celebrated my birthday alone in a room reviewing scene notes and sketches and I am actually not mad or depressed. 

There is a life and there are people you can rely on...just...sometimes those people are criminals...and I guess "rely" isn't the best word to use...


You can want everything in the world but if the other person doesn't agree with that you have to mentally detach and move on before it starts to make you drag...

Good luck and keep your head on a swivel...also, could you hold scene security for me while I get this affidavit off to the ASUSA so my team chief doesn't chew me out? Thanks...


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## Diana7

Yes there is life after divorce but it takes time. I went 6 years before I felt I was reasonably ok, and that was in large part due to the fact that I had met my now husband and we helped each other a lot.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yes.

And I agree Pyrenees are better than spouses. 

How long did you date before marrying? Seven months means she had already been THINKING about divorcing before that, even.

You want to get over her? Play some mind movies starring her and the OM. That should do it.


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## ne9907

Yes. Plenty of life.

I was married for 15 years. Last night, I took a ride to get coffee. I felt wonderful. I blasted the radio on my car, just cruising, sipping coffee, driving, windows down, singing outloud... wonderful!


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