# Need a little help and a boost this AM



## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

So, if if any of you have been following me, you know that my husband and I have been separated for almost six months and I was getting pretty tired of limbo. Well, I've been spending a lot of time wondering exactly how it is that I want to be loved and if he was the one who could do that. Also, I have been the only one making any attempt. Well, we decided last night that it is over. He says he can't not be angry with me. WTF? The man acts like I cheated on him, gambled all of our money away, got addicted to drugs, etc. What did I do? Got hit really hard with mental illness and have been climbing back from the depths of hell. Thing is, I really don't want this to get ugly, but this morning I am feeling angry again, and I had kind of let that go. 

I guess I wanted to vent, and beg for encouragement!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

No I don't know your story, but if your husband is the one who threw in the towel and he actually has all those issues--gambling, drugs, etc---then he may have just done you the best favor.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that either one of us had those issues. I was saying that his relentless anger toward me is confusing to me since I didn't do any of those things. He is angry with me because I was unable to snap out my mental illness fog in his time frame. We were married for 16 yrs. I was finally diagnosed as bipolar in Jan 2012 after battling it for years. The way I got diagnosed was that in Aug. of 2011 my depression had gotten so bad that I was no longer wearing makeup to work, not wanting to talk, having panic attacks at work, in physical pain. I had convinced myself that I had MS. When my neurologist told me that I didn't, I cried because that meant it really was depression and I felt like my brain had betrayed me. The next day I couldn't stop crying or get out of bed. I ended up doing six weeks in an IOP. Went back to work, thought I would be ok. Not so much. Back in hospital Jan. 2,2012. After a really bad manic episode, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which is the rapid cycling one. It's a beast. My self-confidence was shattered. I had stopped being Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker. To try and pick myself up, I went back to college after 20 yrs. I did really well. I worked at it and finished the semester with a 3.25. Not too shabby for an old lady, huh? Well, he resented the fact that I could put all of that into school but still not keep the house clean and prepare meals. He resented that I could go to school but not work. Basically he went from supporting and caring for me to resenting every thing about me. I got really sick for two weeks in December 2012 and didn't lift a finger. So, I told him that I felt that I wasn't getting any support from him and that I really needed it because I was starting to feel much better about myself, and perhaps if he couldn't give it to me I was thinking about leaving. But at the same time, I realized that I didn't want to give up on our marriage, and figure it out. Well, after not expressing it, he tells me that he hasn't been I love with me for two years, that I am physically unattractive to him, and he is leaving.

That was six months ago, and I have been on the whole roller coaster of emotions. And as I have been sort of rehashing the whole thing here, I am realizing that I probably am better off without him, even though for so long I believed he was my one and only. And by the way, I have come to realize where my mistakes were, but his inability to forgive is on him, not me.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

C'mon people, throw me a bone! I have to see him in three hours at our son's baseball game! And I have cry eyes


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You were given a gift believe it or not. Your husband told you he is not after reconciliation and you are no longer in limbo. Not knowing and guessing is the worst thing and now you no longer have to.

You are obviously still in love with your husband but he isn't reciprocating. So what can you do? Force him to love you? Be rude or sarcastic? Act pathetic and look for sorrow? All of these are the worst things you can do. Your husband has checked out and nothing you say or do AT THIS MOMENT will get him back.

So this may sound cliché but the only thing you can do really is to work on yourself. You have health issues, try and get everything under control. Go to the gym too, change your eating habits, lose weight, go buy some new clothes, and you will see how quick your self esteem improves. Becoming the sexy woman in control of her life is what will get your husband back....but if he notices you and looks for another try, the decision will then be yours not his.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Thanks Alpha! Actually, I have already lost ten pounds by eating healthier! Now I just have to get the exercise in regularly!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

And the little league game, be indifferent. Pretend he is a room mate and not your husband. Right now you shouldn't give a crap about him.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

HUGS! I'm sorry. Our stories are a little bit similar, in that I feel like my husband really let me down by not being there for me when I needed him (quick back story: our littler one didn't sleep through the night until she was 4 years old, and the summer she was three, it just all peaked for me. She was up 5-10 times a night and I was losing my mind. One night I locked me and the girls in the bedroom, totally convinced H was going to stab us in our sleep. He's never been violent, I was just really sleep-deprived). Anyway, I always thought he'd be there for me if I needed him, and he wasn't. It was a huge let-down, depressing, and all sorts of bad.

I don't blame you for being angry. I'm angry! I don't think these things are un-fixable, but when one spouse just wants to rug-sweep history, nothing is going to get better. So, if he doesn't want to do the work, at least you know and can get out now. Him not acknowledging his role and responsibilities is his problem. Still, I'm sorry. 

Now put on a hot dress and paint your toenails and rock that baseball game!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

I just saw this little snippet on Facebook, and am sending it along with best wishes. Going through this stuff is HARD, so be good to yourself and good luck today -- keep your chin up and never question your own worth or let others define or affect it:

"Not all relationships are meant to last forever. We sometimes out grow our partners, or our partner goes off in a direction which makes us struggle to stay in step with. Sometimes, the most responsible thing you can do is to offer love and compassion to the person as you release the relationship."

Warm Regards,- A12


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Alpha, Awakening, and Northernlights, I would like to thank you for your encouragement and words of wisdom this morning. Out of all the people who read my post that I put up in a desperate feeling moment, it was only the three of you who reached out to me.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

You're most welcome! Hope your day went well!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

He left you over a mental illness...?

What a great example of a man. Bail when it gets tough.

You'll get through this, Camelia. By the way, I love the username. Name of one of the characters I'm good with on a fighting game.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Awakening2012 said:


> I just saw this little snippet on Facebook, and am sending it along with best wishes. Going through this stuff is HARD, so be good to yourself and good luck today -- keep your chin up and never question your own worth or let others define or affect it:
> 
> "Not all relationships are meant to last forever. We sometimes out grow our partners, or our partner goes off in a direction which makes us struggle to stay in step with. Sometimes, the most responsible thing you can do is to offer love and compassion to the person as you release the relationship."
> 
> Warm Regards,- A12


With loads of respect, A12 - I know you didn't write the quote - I think it's pretty responsible and fair to acknowledge you're angry and try your best to deal with those emotions, and the hurt and sadness etc....and perhaps down the road you will be able to let that person go with compassion...or at least with neutrality. 

But it's a lot to ask right at the beginning (and I think 6 months out is the beginning...) There are a lot of emotions to deal with first, especially if the ending was not a simple "outgrowing" (it hardly ever is...we're not talking about shoes here!)

It remains true that not all relationships are forever. It's up to us to see that as a very good thing, even when we are the ones who are left "behind." We just don't need someone in our life who doesn't want to be with us. No point forcing it!

Camelia - 
You totally deserve someone supportive, through thick and thin. You will get there, to a good place, as empty as that might sound right now. You will. Please take good care. You have so many more important things to attend to than someone who doesn't care about you.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Hey guys! I just want ya'll to know that I feel great today. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I guess it weighed about 215 lbs.  I always say that if you can make a hard decision, and you feel good about it, then it was the right one. As unsure as I am about exactly what happens next, I look forward to doing it without being reminded how imperfect I turned out to be. 

I'm excited about getting a new place for me and my children that I can keep as clean or cluttered as I want to! And I don't have to worry about trying to get him to try and work on our marriage. 

Kinda funny, when I mentioned to him how much I thought would be a fair amount for child support and alimony, he told me I thought I was slick because that was half of his paycheck. I reminded him that I will be caring for two children and I am on disability. There are consequences when you decide to quit your family.

I hope some of you can find a little peace yourselves today!!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Let the reality sink in on him. He deserves to have his cage rattled more than a few times.

And no, you're not being slick. Just wait until the divorce goes through, let's see him say that to the judge.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

LOL! We are discussing what to do with the house now by text. I told him I want to get it going because I am excited to start the next chapter in my life. Then I asked him if I had surprised him, and he admitted that I had indeed. In a way, I feel sorry for him because I don't think he ever thought past what would happen when he moved out.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

There you go Camelia! 

Now get your new life together with determination and resolve. Its only up from here.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Boy, if he's surprised now, wait until you move on.


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