# This Is Finally Going To Happen...



## time4achange (Oct 20, 2017)

Last week I kicked out my husband after I found out that he was texting a girl that we almost separated 4 yrs ago to the date. Then he told me he is just so unhappy with his life and everything in it. We have been together for 22 yrs and married for 18. We have 3 of our kids and I have 1 from a high school boyfriend. 

I thought our marriage was ok and then bam get hit in the face!! 

Needing some advice please!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As hard as it is, try not to focus on him, what he did, what he's doing.

Psychologically speaking, the very best hope you have of saving your marriage is to stand firm - very firm - in your stance that you WILL NOT share him. That if he feels he has to contact her, he'll have to do it on his own. That's the single best way to get a man to stop an affair: remove his access to his family and wife and life. If he thinks he's unhappy now, just wait til he has to figure out how to pay for two homes, how to get his kids to want to see him after what he's done, how to get his parents' respect back.

For now, just stay dark. That means no coming home and hanging out, no coming over for dinner. Any time he questions getting to hang out with you guys, you just say 'are you ready to give Floozie up? No? Then you're not part of this family unit anymore. I won't share my husband.'


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turnera said:


> As hard as it is, try not to focus on him, what he did, what he's doing.
> 
> Psychologically speaking, the very best hope you have of saving your marriage is to stand firm - very firm - in your stance that you WILL NOT share him. That if he feels he has to contact her, he'll have to do it on his own. That's the single best way to get a man to stop an affair: remove his access to his family and wife and life. If he thinks he's unhappy now, just wait til he has to figure out how to pay for two homes, how to get his kids to want to see him after what he's done, how to get his parents' respect back.
> 
> For now, just stay dark. That means no coming home and hanging out, no coming over for dinner. Any time he questions getting to hang out with you guys, you just say 'are you ready to give Floozie up? No? Then you're not part of this family unit anymore. I won't share my husband.'


Its not right to stop him seeing the children, for their sakes.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Its not right to stop him seeing the children, for their sakes.


He can see his kids all he wants. He just can't do it when the wife is around. It's his problem now to work out those arrangements...


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

turnera said:


> As hard as it is, try not to focus on him, what he did, what he's doing.
> 
> Psychologically speaking, the very best hope you have of saving your marriage is to stand firm - very firm - in your stance that you WILL NOT share him. That if he feels he has to contact her, he'll have to do it on his own. That's the single best way to get a man to stop an affair: remove his access to his family and wife and life. If he thinks he's unhappy now, just wait til he has to figure out how to pay for two homes, how to get his kids to want to see him after what he's done, how to get his parents' respect back.
> 
> For now, just stay dark. That means no coming home and hanging out, no coming over for dinner. Any time he questions getting to hang out with you guys, you just say 'are you ready to give Floozie up? No? Then you're not part of this family unit anymore. I won't share my husband.'


All great advice for the immediate future.

In addition, can I dare to suggest you find out exactly why he's texting _her_? [I'm assuming it's no more than texts at the moment.] It's incredibly stupid behaviour on his part, but he *may* be in a very bad place with no-one else to talk to. 

He isn't getting what he needs from marriage/work/life (I say this without any judgement of you at all), so is there any possibility of exploring this and making changes?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Its not right to stop him seeing the children, for their sakes.


That is not at ALL what I said.

YOU go dark and if he wants to see his kids, he expresses that desire and you make it happen. HE left the family by cheating; he will now follow your rules until a court says otherwise. And of course a mother is not to remove his right to see his kids - assuming they WANT to see him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

David Darling said:


> All great advice for the immediate future.
> 
> In addition, can I dare to suggest you find out exactly why he's texting _her_? [I'm assuming it's no more than texts at the moment.] It's incredibly stupid behaviour on his part, but he *may* be in a very bad place with no-one else to talk to.
> 
> He isn't getting what he needs from marriage/work/life (I say this without any judgement of you at all), so is there any possibility of exploring this and making changes?


Very good observation. 

I suggest that you hurry up and get a copy of His Needs Her Needs to understand, sooner rather than later, what a healthy marriage looks like. And take a good hard look at how YOU have been owning your side of the marriage. 

Get the book. We'll talk after you've read it.


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## time4achange (Oct 20, 2017)

He has been in denial and telling the reason why I kicked him out. My kids know The reason why I kicked him out. It was because he wanted to be able to have a single life and his cake with it. It is weird that as of Sunday evening the 15th we have been talking nonstop I?m not hiding I?m not holding back any feelings and he is just getting the blunt of it. He is also figuring out that financially he?s not gonna be able to afford to be out on his own and for the sake of our kids he is still in the house. In a separate bedroom and I don?t text him or call him unless it is about the two kids that we have a home. The reason he has told me about this girl is that heat there is something there for her that he would like to pursue but he knows that she is married and has two younger kids as the age of six and four. As for our kids we have a 22-year-old a 20-year-old and a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old and he wants to start new. 

I told him last night that I was done done with all of his lies all of his treatment of how he treats me and the kids when he?s doesn?t get his way like he has a tantrum. I told him I will not be crying over him anymore and not shocked him.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

time4achange said:


> Last week I kicked out my husband after I found out that he was texting a girl...


Good on you. Did you take as hard a line when he did it the last time?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's going to be staying in the same home, you need to take steps to ensure he cannot contact other women while in YOUR home.


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## time4achange (Oct 20, 2017)

TAM2013 said:


> time4achange said:
> 
> 
> > Last week I kicked out my husband after I found out that he was texting a girl...
> ...


I took it really hard last time fell into depression and did stupid stuff. This time it was almost a relief. I am just trying to figure out how my 2 girls and I are going to make it


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## time4achange (Oct 20, 2017)

turnera said:


> If he's going to be staying in the same home, you need to take steps to ensure he cannot contact other women while in YOUR home.


I have asked him to not talk to her anymore and he says she hasn?t texted since I called her. But he has switched to using his work phone now instead of personal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd keep an eye on him, then. Try to catch him contacting her; when you do, go to the bedroom and start packing his clothes. Take them out to his car and put them in. Take the house key off his key chain and then give him back his keys and say 'leave.'


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