# My Wife's "E-Affair" with an Ex



## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

Sorry in advance for the long-winded-ness of this post, but here we go...

Wife and I have been having multiple issues. Right before we got married, I got diagnosed with a GI disorder, which left me quite paranoid and embarrassed for many reasons. It also left me in quite a bit of pain until I got it under control, 3 years later. I admit, I was a poor communicator, as I didn't want to have her worry about me, as we were just married and she was pregnant with kid #1. Things got better, but not 'normal' as I was always living in fear/mild depression due to my physical state. We also had financial stress, which didn't help anyone. 

She made great efforts to reach out to me, be physical with me, but with the exhaustion of being a new parent, being ill, and feeling down, I wasn't all that receptive. She even went as far to tell me that she could see us drifting apart, but I was so blind/stuck in my ways, I didn't do much about it.

Fast forward to fall 2014, I finally joined the world and got us some smartphones. She said she didn't care, but we needed new cameras to have handy for the kids, our video camera was junk, and ou phones were old, so these solved all those problems. Little did I know the problems they would cause. 

There was no easy way to transfer texts from phone to phone when they both aren't smartphones. She had some that she wanted to keep, mostly about our kids and from friends/family who passed. I thought 'hey, i'll be an awesome husband, and transcribe all of them onto her phone, so when she gets it, she won't have to do anything!". 

I knew she recently was emailing/texting with an old friends whom she lost touch with for a while.Never dug the guy, never had a reason, just got a bad vibe. He apparently reached out to say she was a great person, and he just got out of a bout of depression, and thanks for reaching out. Then he got a little more graphic, telling her how he missed the 'old days' (they 'dated' briefly), and how a 'room full of people wouldn't stop him from ripping her to shreds' and on her birthday she got a 'wish it were ten years ago (if only for a few hours)'. She initially denied it, but I then posted a quote on FB from his exchanges, and he freaked out. She's not on FB, so he called right when I posted it, so she had to come clean. She thought I wouldn't care, as I was a neglectful, asexual husband, which I kind of understood. I told her that was the single worst feeling I have ever felt in my life, reading that ****, and I never even read what she wrote. She felt wanted, she got attention she craved. I get it, but him, on the other hand, is nothing but human waste. He is also married and tried pretty hard to play it down, saying it was all done 'in the safety of words' and nothing would have happened even if they could (he lives on the other coast). 

That was fall. I entered counseling to try and manage my anger, as I flew off the handle. It's helping, but there are times where I think it's still going on. I found more after the first incident, so lying isn't an issue. We are still at odds, I'm trying to be a better husband, but I'm not without my flaws. I feel like I'll never know the truth. She said she sent pics, but not nude or anything, but won't elaborate. We have a ton of mutual friends with this *******, so exposing it would drag down too many people. It burns my insides knowing his life is going like nothing happened, they very well might be still sexting, and his wife doesn't know, they are getting off, and I'm dying from the inside out. 

Is there a way out of this?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Expose them both far and wide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes. So you were ill (Crones disease or something similar?) and basically because you were frighted to even go out the door sometimes for fear of accidents, and in constant, griping and gripping pain, she decided to have an Emotional Affair.

Gee. How to make you feel valued.* Not!*

Couple's counselling.

And your wife needs to reach out to his wife.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> Is there a way out of this?


Yes. Expose!

To h*ll with the mutual friends and "dragging everyone down." What about YOU and YOUR feelings? 

Expose this lout for the slime he is. Then sit back and enjoy the fall out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Yes. Expose!
> 
> To h*ll with the mutual friends and "dragging everyone down." What about YOU and YOUR feelings?
> 
> Expose this lout for the slime he is. Then sit back and enjoy the fall out.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If you don't respect yourself who will?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Expose!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> Expose!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and you should expose.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

His wife deserves to know what he's been up to. Don't use "too many mutual friends" as a reason not to expose. That will be your best weapon because *most* people will side with you here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Primrose said:


> His wife deserves to know what he's been up to. Don't use "too many mutual friends" as a reason not to expose. That will be your best weapon because *most* people will side with you here.


:iagree:

It baffles me when I read of BH's not wanting to expose the affair. The Other Man's Wife (OMW) is the other victim in this and she deserves to know.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

MattMatt, the illness started long before this happened, I was just giving some background. I don't necessarily blame her, but hurt is still hurt. He, on the other hand, deserves humiliation and a beating. Exposing it would guarantee divorce, and shatter lifelong friendships. I've asked my wife how she feels about carrying on with a married 'man' but she won't talk about it with me. What kills
Me is the not knowing if it's still going on. We seem ok some stays, then last night we got into a fight
And basically told Me when she said she Loved me recently that it was a
lie. We have 2 young ones. She is 'content' with cohabitating and staying together for them, but I'm looking for more, as I'm feeling normal (physically, libido-wise, mentally). I just need a kick starter for a flight to CA and a six pack.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

LordMayhem, he supposedly came clean to her, although I'm not sure to what extent. If I were smarter, I would have kept every text/email and sent a binder of them to his house!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Blankmaier said:


> MattMatt, the illness started long before this happened, I was just giving some background. I don't necessarily blame her, but hurt is still hurt. He, on the other hand, deserves humiliation and a beating. Exposing it would guarantee divorce, and shatter lifelong friendships. I've asked my wife how she feels about carrying on with a married 'man' but she won't talk about it with me. What kills
> Me is the not knowing if it's still going on. We seem ok some stays, then last night we got into a fight
> And basically told Me when she said she Loved me recently that it was a
> lie. We have 2 young ones. She is 'content' with cohabitating and staying together for them, but I'm looking for more, as I'm feeling normal (physically, libido-wise, mentally). I just need a kick starter for a flight to CA and a six pack.


Blank you didn't cheat.
EXPOSE and kill the affair and you have a chance at saving the marriage.
Get the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

She deserves just as much humiliation as he does.

What makes you think exposure will lead to divorce? Waywards will *always* threaten D when they find out about the exposure, but it's not routine for them to follow through with it. 

And if you lose friends over the actions of your wife and her OM, then you are better off without these friendships in the end.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Primrose said:


> She deserves just as much humiliation as he does.
> 
> What makes you think exposure will lead to divorce? Waywards will *always* threaten D when they find out about the exposure, but it's not routine for them to follow through with it.
> 
> And if you lose friends over the actions of your wife and her OM, then you are better off without these friendships in the end.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kind of phone does your wife use?


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

I don't know if anything is going on. I'm not concerned about losing friends, I am concerned about some friends and family, as they will be affected by the exposure. And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it. She now has an iPhone 5c. She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Blankmaier said:


> I don't know if anything is going on. I'm not concerned about losing friends, I am concerned about some friends and family, as they will be affected by the exposure. And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it. She now has an iPhone 5c. She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.


None of that is good, none of that is a sign of a healthy marriage, but you knew that already, didn't you? 

What do you intend to do about your wife dating other men?

Cheers,
V(13)


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If she is not being transparent with her phone...
I bet you it is still going on. BLOW IT UP BEFORE SHE LOOSES MORE RESPECT FOR YOU. THEY ALWAYS THREATEN WHEN YOU MIGHT DISRUPT THEIR LITTLE SEXUAL FANTASY WORLD.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Blankmaier said:


> *I don't know if anything is going on.* I'm not concerned about losing friends, I am concerned about some friends and family, as they will be affected by the exposure. And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it. She now has an iPhone 5c. *She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.*


There is most definitely something going on. That's the *only* reason for her password secrecy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> I don't know if anything is going on. I'm not concerned about losing friends, I am concerned about some friends and family, as they will be affected by the exposure. And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it. She now has an iPhone 5c. She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.


What kind of phone is it?

ETA: I see that you answered this above. Derp.

Does she use a tablet at home?

How about a PC?

Have you checked the phone bill recently?


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

I assumed as much, unfortunately. I just wish there was a way to know without breaking into her phone. She left her email open on my iPad before, that's how I saw more than just the first batch.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Because of your illness and the mindset you were in at the start of your marriage, you are hesitant to take a strong, principled stand here. That is what you have to do, however, in my opinion.

You have let your WW sit in the driver's seat. Her insinuation about D has you stopped in your tracks, unable to do what you need to do to really save this, which is be a leader. You need to not tolerate even the slightest whiff of a boyfriend for her. If she doesn't commit openly to NC, transparency, and counseling, then you are the one who will push forward with a D. You have to be tough, firm, and confident.

You seem to feel that your hands are tied because you weren't the most ideal husband for a while. You need to stop feeling this way and take control. After all, she is the one who has cheated, not you.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

My goal is salvaging, at least trying, because I was a **** husband for years. Distant and a poor communicator. Plus, I don't want to drag our kids through anything. I honestly think that I'd we can get on the same page at the same time, it can be salvaged. It felt that way lately, up until she said the thing about not meaning it when she said I love you. That stung and confused me.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> Exposing it would guarantee divorce, and shatter lifelong friendships.
> 
> when she said she Loved me recently that it was a
> lie. .



You don't realize it yet, but the divorce is already forthcoming and the foundation for the so-called friendships is shattered already. 

You're in denial and deflecting the blame from your wife to the other guy. Your beef should be with wife, not the other guy. 

And what's this about saying she lied by telling you she loved you? That, right there, ought to be enough for you to send her down the road. 

Your wrath being focused on the other guy is just a diversion you are using to avoid doing the inevitable. 

It's time for you to regain some self respect by opening a can of whoop a$$ on your wife.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Hi

If you didn't yet, read this : 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

If you want to learn how to find more proof, read this : 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

You must read the book "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover, it will help you a lot through this.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> My goal is salvaging, at least trying, because I was a **** husband for years. Distant and a poor communicator. Plus, I don't want to drag our kids through anything. I honestly think that I'd we can get on the same page at the same time, it can be salvaged. It felt that way lately, up until *she said the thing about not meaning it when she said I love you.* That stung and confused me.


This might as well have been her saying, "I love you, but I'm not _in love_ w/ you."

That, combined w/ the fact that she's not committed to any sort of transparency, won't answer your questions, and is routinely changing the password on her phone, indicates (a) she's still cheating, and possibly physically (even if it's not w/ the same guy), (b) she's planning her exit from the marriage, or (c) both.

Answer these questions...

Which password is it that she's changing... the device passcode (used to bypass the lock screen) or the password to the Apple iTunes/iCloud account that she's using w/ the phone?

Do you have the password to the Apple iTunes/iCloud account that she's using w/ her phone? Do you have the password to the e-mail account that is associated w/ the account?

Do you also use an iPhone? If so, are you using the same Apple iTunes/iCloud account w/ your phone?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it.
> 
> . She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.


Well, of course she means it. She's got a replacement for you already lined up. Even if she didn't mean it it's an effective way to keep you too afraid to get tough with her. I would say she is winning the psychological battle nicely. 

Constantly changing passwords is how she keeps you in the dark. That way she can keep you on the hook while she frolicks with the other guy. This is a classic cheater strategy called cake eating. 

Until you adjust your mindset she will continue to beat the crap out of you in this struggle. She knows you are more emotionally invested in this marriage than she, thus you gift her leverage over you. 

I can understand and empathize with you on wanting to save the marriage, but I don't think you understand how much of an actual adversary she has become to you and the marriage. Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a voice activated recorder in her car you may get some answers that way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

That his wife knows is one of the most common lie cheaters tell. Expose to his wife and your wife's parents. You don't have to tell everyone else. At this point your lack of action is assuring divorce. She thinks your weak and he's strong. Get it?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books linked to below. Basically, you're doing everything wrong to save this situation.


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

I have been in your shoes.

Your wife has no respect for you right now, and she's showing it.

You can either sit idly by towards Divorce while she is in fantasy land or walk tall and take a stand by exposing and pushing yourself towards D if she isn't totally transparent and committed.

You may or may not be successful in saving your marriage, but I guarantee you that inaction will not bring you the result you hope for.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. There is no chance of a physical cheat, as the guy lives in CA, we are east coast. She and I disagree on whether it was an emotional affair or not, and what is considered sexting or not. Either way, I know what I think, and it was brutal. It's still haunting me. I know she doesn't really respect me, and part of it is how I handled this, how I handled our marriage before this, and other reasons, so that's a work in progress. The crazy security measures is what bothers me mostly. She accused me of 'hacking into her phone' to see her emails, but I didn't/couldn't. She left her email logged in on our tablet. I'm sure she doesn't check her email on anything but her phone now. There are days where we seem good, working on being nice to each other, then there are days where **** hits the fan. We are in that now. 

I'm not letting her off the hook, but I will say that this would not have happened if the 'man' didn't cross the line. If she had told him we were having troubles and swept in, I wouldn't have been so focused on him for most of it, but he had no idea, and just began telling her how he 'wished it were 10 years ago, if only for a few hours'. Oh, and wasn't married and supposedly trying to conceive. Let us all pray he is a ssterile as it seems, and his wife bails and finds a fertile, non- a$$hole.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you get the two books linked to below?

Mmslp is for you and you need it bad.

The other book is for you both and will explain everything you're going through to your wife.

Get it done.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Did you get the two books linked to below?
> 
> Mmslp is for you and you need it bad.
> 
> ...


Put your foot down and stop being a "nice guy"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you are paying for the internet and cell phones...have them suspended or disconnected. Don't facilitate her cheating.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I've always felt that it takes a special kind of garbage to mess with someone else's marriage. If you're going to blow up your own that's between you and your spouse, but to get involved in someone else's marriage is trashy. That's the character you're married to.

You'd be better off without it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blankmaier said:


> Thanks for all the replies, everyone. There is no chance of a physical cheat, as the guy lives in CA, we are east coast. She and I disagree on whether it was an emotional affair or not, and what is considered sexting or not. Either way, I know what I think, and it was brutal. It's still haunting me. I know she doesn't really respect me, and part of it is how I handled this, how I handled our marriage before this, and other reasons, so that's a work in progress. The crazy security measures is what bothers me mostly. *She accused me of 'hacking into her phone' to see her emails, but I didn't/couldn't.* She left her email logged in on our tablet. I'm sure she doesn't check her email on anything but her phone now. There are days where we seem good, working on being nice to each other, then there are days where **** hits the fan. We are in that now.
> 
> I'm not letting her off the hook, but I will say that this would not have happened if the 'man' didn't cross the line. If she had told him we were having troubles and swept in, I wouldn't have been so focused on him for most of it, but he had no idea, and just began telling her how he 'wished it were 10 years ago, if only for a few hours'. Oh, and wasn't married and supposedly trying to conceive. Let us all pray he is a ssterile as it seems, and his wife bails and finds a fertile, non- a$$hole.


OK... but do you _want_ to?


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

Gus,

Of course I want to know, good or bad, so I can not live in limbo, which is eating away at any progress I've been making in counseling, but in doing that, I'm creating a new issue, which is breaking of trust, which would just put a different nail in the coffin.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Why in gods name have you not informed her lover's wife yet?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Blankmaier said:


> I don't know if anything is going on. I'm not concerned about losing friends, I am concerned about some friends and family, as they will be affected by the exposure. And there was talk about the D word, and I believe her when she said it, I'd she says it, she means it.


Interesting. Marriage vows to her husband and family she doesn't mean it. Yet, she means it when it comes to divorce. 



Blankmaier said:


> She now has an iPhone 5c. She routinely changes passwords because she thinks I will hack into it.


So, she knows how to force you to do her bidding? Changing passwords, especially after what you caught, is an untenable situation. 

Let me be blunt, my wife knows if her privacy comes before our marriage again it is over. Yes, even if it is innocent. Sorry, people planned innocent surprises long before password protected electronic mediums of communication existed. Divorce or not you need to put your foot down.


You need to worry about you and your kids the way she is worried about her privacy.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Interesting. Marriage vows to her husband and family she doesn't mean it. Yet, she means it when it comes to divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Please read what PB&S wrote. Think about it, the assessment is correct.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Blankmaier said:


> Thanks for all the replies, everyone. There is no chance of a physical cheat, as the guy lives in CA, we are east coast. She and I disagree on whether it was an emotional affair or not, and what is considered sexting or not. Either way, I know what I think, and it was brutal. It's still haunting me. I know she doesn't really respect me, and part of it is how I handled this, how I handled our marriage before this, and other reasons, so that's a work in progress. The crazy security measures is what bothers me mostly. She accused me of 'hacking into her phone' to see her emails, but I didn't/couldn't. She left her email logged in on our tablet. I'm sure she doesn't check her email on anything but her phone now. There are days where we seem good, working on being nice to each other, then there are days where **** hits the fan. We are in that now.
> 
> I'm not letting her off the hook, but I will say that this would not have happened if the 'man' didn't cross the line. If she had told him we were having troubles and swept in, I wouldn't have been so focused on him for most of it, but he had no idea, and just began telling her how he 'wished it were 10 years ago, if only for a few hours'. Oh, and wasn't married and supposedly trying to conceive. Let us all pray he is a ssterile as it seems, and *his wife bails *and finds a fertile, non- a$$hole.


Funny how you wish this on the other betrayed spouse yet didn't do this yourself.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

It's complicated. I was an absent, neglectful husband for years. We are/were roommates with kids. That's why I understood why she was receptive to the attention. Still hurts, sure, but I get it. That is on me, T least most of it. 

He, on the other hand, has no idea we were having issues and claimed he just liked to 'flex that get (insert name) all hot & bothered muscle' despite his having a wife and she also having a spouse. His not giving a **** and downplaying this is why I want him to suffer in the worst way. Hope this clarifies things a bit.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Blankmaier said:


> Gus,
> 
> Of course I want to know, good or bad, so I can not live in limbo, which is eating away at any progress I've been making in counseling, but in doing that, I'm creating a new issue, which is breaking of trust, which would just put a different nail in the coffin.


A family man cannot be too timid to protect that family. You're rationalizing being irresponsible for some misguided trust issue. There is no trust in your family, your wife cheated and destroyed all that. It is now your responsibility to fix the family or move on and make a new one.

The course you are sticking with will follow the nightmare to its inevitable ending.

Changing her pass code again is an admission of guilt. Its on you to investigate and prove that. That's how you gain respect. You do not tolerate infidelity. Shes using you. He's making you the fool.

Have you bought the two books below?

NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY, another book you need, is a free download if you Google it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Blankmaier said:


> It's complicated. I was an absent, neglectful husband for years. We are/were roommates with kids. That's why I understood why she was receptive to the attention. Still hurts, sure, but I get it. That is on me, T least most of it.


No, it isn't complicated. You know how many men and women weren't perfect in their marriages? All of them. 



> He, on the other hand, has no idea we were having issues and claimed he just liked to 'flex that get (insert name) all hot & bothered muscle' despite his having a wife and she also having a spouse. His not giving a **** and downplaying this is why I want him to suffer in the worst way. Hope this clarifies things a bit.


It clarifies your excuse making for your wife and that is it. Yes, you contributed to the problems, but God forbid you have a medical condition that adds fear to your life.. My wife has irritable bowel, Crones is worse and you won't get me to buy your excuses for your wife's actions. You may have not been perfect, but her actions are terrible. 

Also, you do not know what she told him at all. If they were sexting and texting she was bad mouthing you. I have yet to hear a story were the other spouse, man or woman, was telling their affair partner "Man my spouse is awesome, provides me with everything I need, let's screw."


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

It went beyond medical excuses, to be honest. I went into robotic, homemaker mode, trying to be useful rather than a spouse. She didn't physically stray, but appreciated the positive feedback she never got from
me. I'm sure she **** talked me after I exploded, naturally, and unloaded hell on him as well. To say I went unhinged is an understatement.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Blankmaier said:


> It went beyond medical excuses, to be honest. I went into robotic, homemaker mode, trying to be useful rather than a spouse.


So, you tried to be a better husband , in other ways, but you are still the bad guy. Go ahead and blame yourself. Gotcha. 




Blankmaier said:


> She didn't physically stray, but appreciated the positive feedback she never got from
> me.


Strange how every reaction you have had, including counseling, is the same as a physically cheated on betrayed spouse. You are rationalizing the problem away and it does not work.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Unless you have a text or email specifying the extent, you do not know the extent of what happened.

Is the guy local?
Weve had people meet during business trips or each side drive three hours to mert in the middle.

Cheaters rarely admit the full extent unless confronted with overwhelming evidence.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

He lives on the other coast, so I'm not worried about that. I read enough to get the idea. Not overly graphic, just 'suggestive reminiscing' you could call it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long has it been since you had access? What are they talking about now?

Have you bought the books yet?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Blankmaier said:


> Thanks for all the replies, everyone. There is no chance of a physical cheat, as the guy lives in CA, we are east coast. She and I disagree on whether it was an emotional affair or not, and what is considered sexting or not. Either way, I know what I think, and it was brutal. It's still haunting me. I know she doesn't really respect me, and part of it is how I handled this, how I handled our marriage before this, and other reasons, so that's a work in progress. The crazy security measures is what bothers me mostly. She accused me of 'hacking into her phone' to see her emails, but I didn't/couldn't. She left her email logged in on our tablet. I'm sure she doesn't check her email on anything but her phone now. There are days where we seem good, working on being nice to each other, then there are days where **** hits the fan. We are in that now.
> 
> I'm not letting her off the hook, but I will say that this would not have happened if the 'man' didn't cross the line. If she had told him we were having troubles and swept in, I wouldn't have been so focused on him for most of it, but he had no idea, and just began telling her how he 'wished it were 10 years ago, if only for a few hours'. Oh, and wasn't married and supposedly trying to conceive. Let us all pray he is a ssterile as it seems, and his wife bails and finds a fertile, non- a$$hole.


This especially and also a couple of following posts you made show the typical talking to all sides at once from the husband looking at all places except at the pink elephant in the room.

The only way to have a chance at keeping her is following the advice you are given, but hesitate to follow because of your character. You mentioned your mistakes as part of the equation of this situation. Now you are making new mistakes.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, it isn't complicated. You know how many men and women weren't perfect in their marriages? All of them.
> 
> It clarifies your excuse making for your wife and that is it. Yes, you contributed to the problems, but God forbid you have a medical condition that adds fear to your life.. My wife has irritable bowel, Crones is worse and you won't get me to buy your excuses for your wife's actions. You may have not been perfect, but her actions are terrible.
> 
> Also, you do not know what she told him at all. If they were sexting and texting she was bad mouthing you. I have yet to hear a story were the other spouse, man or woman, was telling their affair partner "Man my spouse is awesome, provides me with everything I need, let's screw."


I'm not going to sit here and tell you I can't understand why she was flattered by this 'person', I do get it. I was all but absent, emotionless and just a guy she shared a house with. If she started it, then it would be a different story. Her actions were terrible, and mine weren't great either, which is why I think it's worth trying to fix, if not for the sake of our kids at the bare minimum. My illness was quite bad, but I was also closed off, so she wasn't exactly sure how bad it was. I did a decent job covering it, as I was trying to not add to any stress on top of moving, a bad job, new baby and another en route.

I can all but guarantee that she **** talked about me once the can of worms opened. She was very defensive of him, apologizing for my comments to him ( I emailed him many times). She didn't want to lose their friendship or whatever you want to call it. I was far from calm/nice/understanding to him.

If I had a way to tell his wife directly, I would. The only hesitation I have to exposing is that he is part of a family in which we are friends with many of his siblings, and they have kids that are friends with our kids. It would affect a ton of people that don't need/deserve this kind of mess in their lives. He told em he told his wife, but I have a hunch he is either lying or downplayed it quite a bit, like he tried to tell me.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Blankmaier said:


> The only hesitation I have to exposing...


This is the death knell of so many affair damaged marriages here on TAM, ones that may have been saved.

Might as well lower the cannon and shoot a hole in your own boat...you know best!


.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well......................just keep reading the other threads here and over the last few years. Its pretty easy to spot the way the to save a marriage and how to make it worse. You will either get it or not.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Blankmaier said:


> I'm not going to sit here and tell you I can't understand why she was flattered by this 'person', I do get it. I was all but absent, emotionless and just a guy she shared a house with. If she started it, then it would be a different story. Her actions were terrible, and mine weren't great either, which is why I think it's worth trying to fix, if not for the sake of our kids at the bare minimum. My illness was quite bad, but I was also closed off, so she wasn't exactly sure how bad it was. I did a decent job covering it, as I was trying to not add to any stress on top of moving, a bad job, new baby and another en route.
> 
> I can all but guarantee that she **** talked about me once the can of worms opened. She was very defensive of him, apologizing for my comments to him ( I emailed him many times). She didn't want to lose their friendship or whatever you want to call it. I was far from calm/nice/understanding to him.
> 
> If I had a way to tell his wife directly, I would. The only hesitation I have to exposing is that he is part of a family in which we are friends with many of his siblings, and they have kids that are friends with our kids. It would affect a ton of people that don't need/deserve this kind of mess in their lives. He told em he told his wife, but I have a hunch he is either lying or downplayed it quite a bit, like he tried to tell me.


No, she didn't START it, but she sure as hell ALLOWED it. What happened is that when she started talking to him, she more than likely mentioned about your health issues and your past absenteeism. And, like all homewrecking OMs, he saw that as a green light to intrude. You've heard of how pedophiles and sexual predators are adept at finding ways to get into their victim's heads and controlling them. Homewrecking OMs do the exact same thing: they hear a mundane gripe from the wife about a day-to-day issue, and they exploit it. When the OMs hear this gripe, they start out saying things like: "Oh, that's really unfortunate. I'm sorry for you both." But after a week of discussing that more intensely, your W and the POSOM will be talking about how you, the a**hole, screwed up again and seriously let her down.

So yes, she is trash talking about you. Yes, this POSOM is encouraging her to talk this way. Yes, she is using a CLASSIC cheater tactic ("invading my privacy"). Yes, she IS having, at the very least, an emotional affair.

And about how he lives in CA and you're convinced that a "hookup" can't possibly happen, think again. This POSOM will indeed find a way to hook up with her. Is she going on any business trips soon? Will she be going to visit her family (without you)? Will she and her GFs do a weekend in Vegas? 

And on a more sinister note: What is going to stop him from coming to YOUR state? Be on the lookout for your W to suddenly have to "work late" for a week.


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## Blankmaier (Apr 8, 2015)

F-102 said:


> No, she didn't START it, but she sure as hell ALLOWED it. What happened is that when she started talking to him, she more than likely mentioned about your health issues and your past absenteeism. And, like all homewrecking OMs, he saw that as a green light to intrude. You've heard of how pedophiles and sexual predators are adept at finding ways to get into their victim's heads and controlling them. Homewrecking OMs do the exact same thing: they hear a mundane gripe from the wife about a day-to-day issue, and they exploit it. When the OMs hear this gripe, they start out saying things like: "Oh, that's really unfortunate. I'm sorry for you both." But after a week of discussing that more intensely, your W and the POSOM will be talking about how you, the a**hole, screwed up again and seriously let her down.
> 
> So yes, she is trash talking about you. Yes, this POSOM is encouraging her to talk this way. Yes, she is using a CLASSIC cheater tactic ("invading my privacy"). Yes, she IS having, at the very least, an emotional affair.
> 
> ...


I actually saw how it began, and I can honestly say it began with him, just not giving a fvuck. It began harmless thanking her for being supportive when he was going through some ****. Then he began getting a bit too comfortable. He crossed the line, in my opinion, just by gushing about how special, beautiful and important she was. It was nice, but a bit over-reaching, if you ask me. She replies by saying she really needed to hear something like that right then. When he really started reaching over the line, she mentioned once or so that she liked where she was at, and didn't want anything to change. But that didn't stop good ol' bag o'sh1t from then going off on how he wanted to go to town on/with her. He fully admitted he didn't know of our problems, and just crossed a line.

She has admitted she talked about me, apologized for my words to him. She has also been somewhat understanding of why he is a worthless human to me and why I want to take him down. I don't have an email or phone number or address to he or his wife. 

We are p1ss poor, he is unemployed, so no vacations for anyone, we work together, though she works from home occasionally. If he were to ever be home, I would know, as we are friends with 3 of his siblings (in our/his hometown), and linked on Facebook. If she tried to lie and went out with him and didn't tell me, I would be gone, kids in tow, before anything could even happen. And before that, I would have someone watch the kids while I broke up that party real fast.

It's hard to explain to people why I hate him more than my wife, but I hope the knowing he didn't know of our issues explains it. It takes a real piece of excrement to pull that 'stuff'. If anyone wants to hear his downplaying and 'running for office'-type lame reasoning/excuses, I can dig up our conversations. Pretty stupid stuff.


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