# Gnashing my teeth and biting my tongue



## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

almost 21 year old daughter started dating a 30 year old (divorced male with a child) a few weeks ago. They are already discussed things moving in together. He travels for work frequently in a construction job. Currently has no permanent home and basically lives and hotels. 

This is obviously slowly driving me insane for a number of reasons. Most of these reasons, my serious reservations Are obvious. Here's The Issue that I am having a serious internal struggle with:

In all of my past experiences with men, every single one of them has been a cheater in one way or another. EA/PA, you name it. 

My guts are screaming at me to tell her to run. This feeling is magnified 10 times by the fact that he travels for work. Add and he is a 30 yr old chasing after a 20 yr old...

I'm rational enough to be able to say OK, you cannot judge someone based on your past experiences. He maybe a wonderful guy that would never cheat. Don't Know, haven't met him. 

Still, my instincts scream, "CREEP!".

I have voiced my concerns about the other things with my daughter. This one issue however, is the one that literally has me gnashing my teeth and biting my tongue when she is around. 

What Say Ye, great TAM people? Do I have that talk with her and how do I keep my personal crap out of it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

At 21, your daughter is an adult so she can decide who to date on her own.

our past experiences do color how we view the world, but you have to let her find out for herself what works and does not work for her.

To me, the most alarming thing is that they want to move in so fast together--and the fact that he is basically homeless.

Does he want to move in with her? I mean, where would the move to?

Nonetheless, you can't make her do anything. She is an adult now. 

Sorry.



WaitForIt... said:


> I have voiced my concerns about the other things with my daughter. This one issue however, is the one that literally has me gnashing my teeth and biting my tongue when she is around.
> 
> Do I have that talk with her and how do I keep my personal crap out of it?


You have already told her how you feel. My bet is that you are only pushing her towards him, especially if she really likes him. :/ Probably not what you wanted to hear.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

The quickest way to get her to do exactly what you don't want is to tell her your feelings about him. If she's into him she won't listen anyway. Be there to pick up the pieces if required.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What she said.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh you poor thing! My DD24 at the age of 22 was dating a 36 year old man with no drivers license due to too many DUI's! For a year! We made life at home very comfortable for her so she wouldn't move in with him. We had him over for dinner just so he could make an ass of himself, all the while professing that he was a nice guy but did seem to have a drinking issue and why would a man his age want a 22 year old? I made her attend addiction lectures with me. I told her if she attended the full series and still wanted to be with him I would give the relationship my full support.

So your daughter probably does not want her mother pointing out every flaw the man has.

Start with reminding her what he goals are and what a young 21 year old should be doing with her life. Going out to fun exciting places, meeting interesting men, going out dancing, weekends away with groups of friends... Can she do these things with this guy...when he's out of town...or when the child is in residence?

He may give her all kinds of loving attention, may tell her how much he wishes they could always be together and how much easier life would be if they lived together... Sure his life would be easier!

Remind your daughter the ways she wants a man to treat her and that this in the early stage where everyone puts their best foot toward, but when things get comfortable and boots come off the room is gonna stink up with rotting empty promises...no don't say that too bitter sounding!

You've had a lot of bad experiences so she is likely to discount what you say because you've made your own mistakes, without realizing the mistakes you've made don't have to be repeated by your daughter.

Ultimately, my daughter pretty much rejected all the wisdom we gave her and insisted he loved her and was getting his act together. Until he crashed a car and ran from the scene and ended up in jail. That's when she finally broke up with this loser! 

She had a college degree and was trying to get into grad school, this guy was a bar tender at 36 with no car!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It is tough for the OP, particularly in light of her own life experiences, but I have to join the others that it is time to let the daughter live and learn. I have three children in their 20s and sometimes am pretty sure they are making a mistake but know I can't live their lives for them. I can just be there for them when I can be. 

And the OP hasn't met the man in question. Perhaps try to quiet the emotions and meet the man to form opinions based on substance rather than supposition.


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