# Ruining my wife, her life and her happiness



## lokki (Aug 7, 2011)

I just came across this and have a serious questions and need some help. My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me but we have been through a lot. I was forced to medically retire, I am self centered and I tend to have pitty parties as she calls them. She tells me I never support her and she is empty. Its not love, the one thing I can say is we love each other more than ever but I tend to piss her off all the time making everything about me. I don't mean to but I know I am a type A personality and tend to think I know it all. typical right? Lately we have suffered some set backs and while I think I do what I am should by taking care of working, bills cleaning etc... I get pissed off that she doesn't seem to lift a finger around the house because she is depressed and when she finds something to make her happy that doesn't envolve me I guess I ruin it for her letting her know my jealousy. I seriously would give my life for her and have even told her if she is unhappy with me I just want her to find happiness. 

1st off I am no wuss who will give up or a weak Man.

2nd I always tend to think I know whats right (wrong I know)

I know I suffer from depression losing the career I once had due to a traumatic injury, that I still face. Yeah I burden her with this. I have hidden things, lied about medication and again tend to make things all about me.

I just want her happy!!!! At this point I am willing to sacrifice whatever it takes...

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Lokki - Holy jeez. This could have been written by me. I'm going through some stuff with my wife right now, and it doesn't look good. She's asking for a separation and she wants space to decide if she "even wants to be with anyone." (Which is just another way of saying she doesn't want to be with me) I don't have high hopes for this working out for me. I do have high hopes about me becoming a better person. The very first thing that I would say is GO INTO COUNSELING. You obviously have some serious issues with your own failings and you're dumping most of that onto the woman that you supposedly love.

You (and I) might also need to realize that there is damage that is done here, and it may not be able to be repaired. My wife is an amazing person. She is giving and she is green, and she makes me better. She also suffers from depression and social anxiety. She is damaged. It seemed for a time that things were going well. But I think that my behavior tripped a breaker in her head, and she's just lost.

Don't let this happen. I'm a strong, intelligent, emotionally intense person who is attractive and has all the ability to be successful. But I also ruin things by nit-picking them to death. I may have ruined this relationship by doing that too much. I was supposed to be her team captain. I was supposed to be her rock. Instead, I was a constant echo of "you're not good enough." Eventually people who hear that cave in some way, and you're left with nothing but damage and cleanup. I am sad and alone right now. She is still in the apartment, but she's looking for another place to live, and she's so distant emotionally that I just feel like she's miles away. Do you want this? Didn't think so.

Go into counseling. Work on it. Set goals for yourself. Make them active as much as possible. Just be more of a man and less of an ass hole. And DO NOT be like me any longer.


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## akmb07 (Sep 7, 2011)

Honestly after doing the samething you have done ( I have depression and a form of Anixety) I have started the process of fixing it the fact you are aware of what is wrong is a good thing so now all you have to do is change for her. ( ie be more active) you can be sad but find other outlets besides her to reflect it. Don't be me Don't realize it after a year of marriage. The change has to start with you genuinely. You have to feel for having been that way and then you have to show it and prove it to her that you have changed. Will it be hard work. Yes. Will it suck at times. Yes. Will you want to just disappear into a void or give up? Yes. but don't if you love her enough you will do anything for her. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But if you love her, if the thought of not being with her hurts then you have what it takes to change and get better and keep her.


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## fastcablecar (Sep 8, 2011)

Hi guys,

I am suffering from anxiety and depression and my husband is actually helping it to get worst. He never listens to me, he says he listens but actually my opinions dont matter even if its for his own good(health wise)... we've only been married 2 years but this feels like ive been married for 20 years and its crazy, were both 27 and he's 13hours older than me... I feel like I married a 40 year old grumpy man  i am trying to make things work and making this trio a happy family but he doesnt get himself involve and he wonders why his daughter doesnt really interacts with him and mostly ignores him since she was born he just passes by takes a look at her for a few seconds then walks away back to his computer(his blogs, his life)....


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

fastcablecar said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I am suffering from anxiety and depression and my husband is actually helping it to get worst. He never listens to me, he says he listens but actually my opinions dont matter even if its for his own good(health wise)... we've only been married 2 years but this feels like ive been married for 20 years and its crazy, were both 27 and he's 13hours older than me... I feel like I married a 40 year old grumpy man  i am trying to make things work and making this trio a happy family but he doesnt get himself involve and he wonders why his daughter doesnt really interacts with him and mostly ignores him since she was born he just passes by takes a look at her for a few seconds then walks away back to his computer(his blogs, his life)....


Just courious as to why you would chose to hijack this thread instead of starting your own:scratchhead:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, this is a start.
Try being honest with your spouse. I'm the spouse of a type-A, depressed/anxiety, all about him person. Stop all the lies about meds, or money or whatever. She will never be happy with someone who she knows is not honest. Give her space. You can't "fix" her because this isn't something you control, and if you think it is, well that's your problem with control. I'm not trying to be mean. My spouse isn't working and despite my pleas for help, he just doesn't. And he seems to think that's ok, because-its all about him. It isn't. Nor is your marriage all about you. So just stop, and figure out what you wife needs or wants. Best of luck to you.


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