# Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

Ugh... I'm a little heartbroken. I really like my fiancée's mother a lot. But this one word hurt my feelings. He and I have been together 3 yrs (this time, we were HS sweethearts and rekindle our love 11 yrs later),but lived together most of the 3 yrs.

See his step-grandfather passed away and we went to the viewing last night. We all walked in together, and I do know some of his family, well we came upon a member of his paternal grandfathers side and that's when his mother said " this is such(fiancée's name) my baby all grown up and his "friend". Now I totally expected my fiancée' to speak up but he did not! We continued to walk on to meet and speak with other family members. Needless to say I was very uncomfortable.

Now a bit background. He comes from a high powered family. They have a ***** ton* of money. They own businesses, his father is a State Rep. his grandmother (this was her 3rd husband) married men with money who have all passed and left her all their money and businesses and then those were passed down to members of the family. I come from a lower class family who has struggled for everything they've ever had, my father was an alcoholic and welder and my mother a factory worker. His families high stature does not bother me, but the fact that I was only mentioned as a "friend" did.

Now after we returned home, after dropping his mother off( she had breast surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and is on pain meds which could have played a roll in what was said) I brought the "friend" comment up. And he agreed that I am definitely more then a "friend" and I should know this. 

We both went through horrid divorces and marriages of abuse, hurt, manipulation and pain. We have both mutually agreed on no marriage but I did get a ring as a symbol of commitment and we will be soon having a Hand Fasting ceremony. 
Anyway I made sure to tell him next time if it was said that I was just a "friend" to stand up for me/us that we were a couple whether it be BF/GF, DH/DW,or fiancée's, at least make it known we are more then "friends" 

My question is should I bring this up to my guys mother that it hurt my feelings? She is a very open woman and pretty sure wouldn't take offense. More then likely she would apologize. But if it happen to you honestly how would you react and what would you do. 

Sorry if I rambled and went on and on and made no sense lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

I would talk it over with my fiance, let HIM know that it bothered you, but maybe not bring it up around his mom unless you feel comfortable doing so. If she introduces you as 'friend' on another occasion, you or your fiance should say something like, actually we're engaged, etc. If your mil to be has any sense she should get the message loud and clear.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

Do you think your fiance's mom has some type of beef against you?

If the answer is no, then i'd leave this alone. There are bigger fish to fry in relationships than having your relationship title mispoken by an future in law. Walk away from this one...


----------



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

His close family knows we live together, I tend to his children and he to mine. They know we are a COUPLE. The extended family, most I've not met do not. She and I have no problems at all. We talk daily. During her surgeries for her cancer I went daily, bathed and took care of her so there is nothing against either one of us. That's why this one simple word from her hurt. But I'm not sure why it did so bad. I KNOW we are more but I guess hearing his own mother say it ..... I just don't know. Maybe the thought of the agreeing on no marriage she sees us as just friends? His entire family is big on marriage. They do not agree with people just "living" together. It might be her way of saying she doesn't like it and that is her way of saying so without trying to hurt our feelings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



greeneyedky said:


> His close family knows we live together, I tend to his children and he to mine. They know we are a COUPLE. The extended family, most I've not met do not. She and I have no problems at all. We talk daily. During her surgeries for her cancer I went daily, bathed and took care of her so there is nothing against either one of us. That's why this one simple word from her hurt. But I'm not sure why it did so bad. I KNOW we are more but I guess hearing his own mother say it ..... I just don't know. Maybe the thought of the agreeing on no marriage she sees us as just friends? His entire family is big on marriage. They do not agree with people just "living" together. *It might be her way of saying she doesn't like it and that is her way of saying so without trying to hurt our feelings?*_Posted via Mobile Device_


And if this is the case, so what? Her opinion is noted, that doesn't give her to right to take shots like this... if this is what she is indeed doing. My whole thing is, you gain little by approaching her on this, if she is intent on being stuck in her ways, this "correcting" her can only make your relationship worst. I'd leave it be.


----------



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

True! Point taken. I know you can not change someone in their ways. Guess I was just hurt by what I've put into this family and considered them part of my own and then that to be said it was like "WoW is that all I'm really seen as".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



greeneyedky said:


> True! Point taken. I know you can not change someone in their ways. Guess I was just hurt by what I've put into this family and considered them part of my own and then that to be said it was like "WoW is that all I'm really seen as".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can remember when i first started dating my wife, i'm sitting in her living room, and a guy calls, she tells him, "Oh i have company right now." So she gets off the phone, and i say, "Oh i'm just company? - not your boyfriend?" Her response was that she was caught off gaurd because she wasnt' expecting a call, she didn't get any calls usually when i was with her. I accepted it and it quickly became a non issue. 

Since you didn't address it immediately with her, i definately wouldn't approach it now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

If you're just living together, if you haven't made plans to marry, then you are not his fiance. Sorry, but you're not. Girlfriend maybe, but not fiance.

Maybe she just didn't know what you wanted to be called, if you haven't directly discussed it with her.


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

I think when introductions come with a title attached (e.g.; Fiancée) it tends to open the door for ensuing inquiries (e.g.; When is the wedding?) Your Fiancé’s mother may have felt this setting was not the time or place for those questions. 

I wouldn't be terribly concerned unless it happens again in a more relaxed gathering of people.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

Quote: We have both mutually agreed on no marriage but I did get a ring as a symbol of commitment and we will be soon having a Hand Fasting ceremony. 

Yet, you call him your fiance. In society, that term refers to someone who is engaged to be married which you are not. Is his mother supposed to know the meaning of a Hand Fasting ceremony as it relates to what you are supposed to call people? How about here is my son's future participant of of Handly Fastimony?

You two have to decide how you want to be called.
And then tell everyone to call you that. Don't blame his Mother for not knowing what to refer to you as. This is not about class, this is about you and your Man Friend not clarifying it to anyone.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



greeneyedky said:


> We have both mutually agreed on no marriage


You aren't a fiance. You are a friend. Fiance implies that a real official wedding is in the near future. She meant nothing by it. I'd call you a friend too. Let it go.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

It could be a simple slip-up. I'd let it go and address it if it happens again by saying, "actually I'm his girlfriend. Nice to meet you!"


----------



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

Thanks for all the responses. Really all I wanted was at least to be acknowledged as the "girlfriend". I mean we have been together 3 yrs. She does understand the whole HandFasting event and I know there are no terms/names for it but I have a ring, we will be having a ceremony with our children, family and friends involved, we are living together and as far as he and I are concerned we are "fiancee's, domestic husband/wife, bf/gf, partners, whatever but definatly not just "friends". 

I guess me being upset came from the fact that I seen no reason for being introduced as just a "friend" at any gathering whether it be a viewing, funeral, reunion, anything, we are a couple no matter what. But do appreciate everyones input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ahiru (Jun 1, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

You mentioned the extended family doesn't know you two are a couple, and that his entire family disapproves of people just living together outside of marriage. She most likely didn't want to introduce you as more than a friend to this extended family member for fear that more questions would arise, and that it would cause an inappropriate stir during the viewing ceremony, where the family is already distraught as it is. It was probably just a matter of "This isn't the time or place to bring it up."

It doesn't sound like she was being passive-aggressive towards you, given that you two are on quite friendly terms. If you approach her about it, maybe ask her from an angle where you are giving her the benefit of the doubt: "You referred to us as friends recently; that was because you were being considerate of the situation, right?" And then if she confirms, maybe something like, "I feel silly because I know you didn't mean anything by it, but I felt a little hurt when you said that." That way you bring your feelings to her attention without seeming to make a big fuss or accuse her of anything.


----------



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

I did fully consider that after I sat down and thought about it, and then also thought well even if she would have said "girlfriend" they more then likely wouldn't have questioned if we lived together. I will more then likely let it go, unless it is mentioned again. 

I did speak with my SO's sister's ex BF and the entire 8 yrs they were together (never engaged nor married just BF/GF) she never introduced him as her daughters boyfriend just a "friend". Maybe she doesn't believe in that stage of a relationship LOL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

Think about the difference between Mrs and Ms - In awkward situations, we sometimes default to the Ms. If the mother didn't know if you were comfortable with 'fiance', or if plans for the wedding hadn't been communicated, then its sometimes better just to day friend or close friend, unless the person really needs to know. A funeral is not the place to get into semantics.

Just be glad that she didn't introduce you like my father in law introduced me when I was dating my wife. I was introduced as the guy who was sleeping with his daughter.


----------



## Ahiru (Jun 1, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



greeneyedky said:


> I did fully consider that after I sat down and thought about it, and then also thought well even if she would have said "girlfriend" they more then likely wouldn't have questioned if we lived together. I will more then likely let it go, unless it is mentioned again.
> 
> I did speak with my SO's sister's ex BF and the entire 8 yrs they were together (never engaged nor married just BF/GF) she never introduced him as her daughters boyfriend just a "friend". Maybe she doesn't believe in that stage of a relationship LOL.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps, but also keep in mind that she _knows_ that family member, and you don't. She might've had a reason to suspect questions from that person. The only way to know for sure why she did it is to talk to her. Unless you truly can let this go. I think it would be okay just to let it go if it really wasn't a big deal to you, but the fact you've been bringing it up again and again to so many people tells me that you're more than just a little hurt, and are unable to just brush it off. If you can't let it go, you should resolve it with her.


----------



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

I did consider that as well. As for bringing it up again and again, I'm simply answering back to post with my feelings. It did hurt. I'm very close to her and to be called a "friend" made me feel as though I was someone new in the family. I've spent a total of 6 yrs with this family and have been through a lot with them. In the beginning I understood being introduced as that but this many yrs later I assumed I would be finally at the GF/ whatever stage. What also hurt was fact the BF/fiancee didn't speak up. These people we were seeing at the viewing had no clue we were living together. So to simply say I was the GF/ whatever shouldn't have been a big deal. I take my relationships very serious! And I expect the people in them to as well. I've not said anything to him(except after we got home) or his mother. Figured I'd let it go this time but if it was said again I would defiantly speak up. Thanks again for everyones input and thoughts.I appreciate everyones views.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

I think that your man's mother is a wise woman who knows the correct and "proper" way of introducing you. she does seem to have a bit of a "black widow" demeanour though.... just saying.

Anyway, I had a hand-fasting celebration as well, as I hate the idea of some omnipotent easter bunny being what we answer to, and so he was forbidden to join our nuptials, having said that, we are still man and wife and live appropriately, our friends and family all enjoyed our celebration and no-one has thought to question the fact that it is supposed to be a yearly affirmation. 

We have been together for 7 years (I think... I suck at time recognition) and are still introduced by her parents as being married. My questions for you are, why have a hand-fasting if you don't want to be married? Do you know the true meaning of the hand-fasting?


----------



## Ahiru (Jun 1, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



greeneyedky said:


> I did consider that as well. As for bringing it up again and again, I'm simply answering back to post with my feelings. It did hurt. I'm very close to her and to be called a "friend" made me feel as though I was someone new in the family. I've spent a total of 6 yrs with this family and have been through a lot with them. In the beginning I understood being introduced as that but this many yrs later I assumed I would be finally at the GF/ whatever stage. What also hurt was fact the BF/fiancee didn't speak up. These people we were seeing at the viewing had no clue we were living together. So to simply say I was the GF/ whatever shouldn't have been a big deal. I take my relationships very serious! And I expect the people in them to as well. I've not said anything to him(except after we got home) or his mother. Figured I'd let it go this time but if it was said again I would defiantly speak up. Thanks again for everyones input and thoughts.I appreciate everyones views.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't mean your continuing replies to this thread, I meant that you have brought it up to your SO, your SO's sister's ex, and to us. I'm just going by what you say to give my opinion. I think your hurt is understandable. I would probably feel the same way in your situation. And knowing myself, as much as I might tell myself I could just let it go and only bring it up if it became a continuing problem, I would also think to myself, "But it's a problem right now. Why am I giving it a chance to become a continuing one?" So it's usually my own policy to tactfully bring up little misunderstandings, because doing so is harmless if they turn out to be little ones, and necessary to prevent them from becoming bigger ones. Just because you never know which ones go deeper than the surface.

I'm a believer that we have to teach people what is and isn't acceptable treatment of us when something like this comes up. Since you've made it out not to be a big deal to you, they will believe that it's not a big deal to you. That's why I think that _if_ it is, in fact, a much bigger deal to you than you've let on, you should probably make that clear to those involved, in a tactful but honest way. If you don't, you risk disharmony in those relationships, even if it never happens again, because you'll always be wondering "Does SO and his mother really not care about my feelings and something that's important to me? Am I more loyal to their family than they are to me?" In my opinion, if you are asking yourself questions like that, it is a deeper problem than it seems on the surface, and you shouldn't disregard your feelings (nor should they).

Just something to keep in mind, though I'm sure it could work out a different way. I wish you the best of luck dealing with it however you decide.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*



Hicks said:


> You two have to decide how you want to be called.
> And then tell everyone to call you that. Don't blame his Mother for not knowing what to refer to you as. This is not about class, this is about you and your Man Friend not clarifying it to anyone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

And cut her some slack for not knowing the full Amy Vanderbilt on this while attending a funeral.

Her politeness respected the dead and meant you no harm.


----------



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

what is hand fasting ?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Re: Really? My fiance's mother introduced me at a gathering as her sons "Friend"*

If it really bothers you, you should figure out how to bring it up politely. Chances are, that after the hand-fasting she isn't going to call you his wife. You could do nothing and be his wife if you are in a state that recognizes common-law marriage. I bet she wouldn't call you the wife then either. 

I think she doesn't know what to call you.


----------

