# Sad First Time Poster



## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

Please Help Me. I am so confused and sad as well as ashamed. I have been married a very long time and spent much of the years trying to understand and/or overlook certain behavior from my husband. He is 11 years older than I so I thought much of my discomfort was due to my ignorance or lack of maturity. But two things have always been such a struggle for me. Lying and Masturbation.

1. Lying. He lies whenever he will be viewed as accountable. He makes stupid mistakes or bad decisions but instead of owning them, he lies. It has been useless for me to ask him about anything serious because I have no reason to believe anything he says.

2. Masturbation. This shocked me as a newlywed 21 year old many years ago. I thought once you were in a committed relationship the man would prefer his wife. I now read and understand the two are separate. What hurts me so much is he does more adventurous things with himself and has never even tried to introduce those to me. He says he doesn't want me to feel awkward and assumed I wouldn't want to do it. I was nearly a virgin when we married but he was a more experienced man. I have come to believe I must be boring to him. 

Both the lies and the masturbation hurt me deeply. But now something else has happened and I am truly scared.

I learned yesterday, that when he goes out early in the morning he parks his truck at a small parking lot and masturbates there before the sun comes up. He especially likes to perform massage to his prostate.

I am a mixture of shock, fear, disgust and anger.

Please Please someone help me sort out what is going on....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Landy
The following questions are because I don't know some things about your relationship.

One important question is how you react when he does tell you he has made a stupid mistake. Is his lying just an immature response to not wanting to take responsibility or is he avoiding negative reactions?

Some negative reactions are reasonable, some are not. It depends on the type of "stupid" mistakes he makes. If they are unintentional absent minded professor type stuff, then he may not be able to fix them. If they are "intentional" mistakes, that is different.

Masturbation is normal even for married couples. It is a problem (only) if it interferes with your sex life. I don't know if that is the case here .

Masturbating by prostate massage is not all that unusual, but something many men would be to embarrassed to admit. Have you reacted negatively to his sexual suggestions at some point in the past? Turning down doing something you don't want to do is absolutely fine, but have you ever given him the "you must be a pervert to want that" sort or reaction?

Are you interested in a more adventuresome sex life if he asked?

In case you are worried, prostate massage has nothing to do with being gay. 

I think all this is fixable - this just sounds like communication problems to me, but let me know some answers to the above.


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## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

Richard, 

First let me say thank you for replying to my message. I am so upset and desperate that any chance for me to discuss is welcomed. 

Reactions to both issues have been mixed. As far as mistakes, I cannot say that I have not acted annoyed or irritated...normally because he isn't the one who has to fix them. Other times I see he is trying to fix and just damns himself, so on those occasions I try and calm him and tell him it will all be ok.

Sex things - I think because I was such a "good girl" and attractive (dressed nicely, never sleazy, had a very bubbly happy attitude) he was very drawn to me. But I think he knew some of his experiences would have been shocking to me he just decided to hide those from me like he was ashamed. But in doing so, he did not coach, lead or explore with me much beyond the basics. So, it seems like when he wants to really enjoy himself he does it alone. I have asked him to show me things and he said he doesn't need any of "that" with me - that when we are intimate it is love and thats all he needs. 

What am I to do? HE promises the parking lot thing wont ever happen again but what's next - a call from jail?

I just want peace in my life and being with him always has me on the seat of fear and uncertainty. 

Thank you again for responding to me - I need a good ear and shoulder.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is he being an exhibitionist?

What kind of parking lot are you talking about?

Is he meeting people there?


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## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

Michzz,

Thanks for replying. Understanding all I have to go on is what he tells me and he has already proven he lies when he doesn't want to be blamed or "get in trouble"....anyway, answering your questions in the order you asked.
1. No - he stays in the truck, its before the sun comes up so it is dark. Normally he is the only one around.
2. It is a small parking lot which leads to a fishing pond. He lives to fish in the early morning but he goes long before the sun comes up.
3. Supposedly no - he is not meeting anyone (male or female) and while I have asked, he denies. But again....why do I even bother asking.

Am I in serious trouble here or am I blowing it out of proportion?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How did he happen to tell you? My first thought was that he was meeting someone considering how long before sunrise he goes there. Is there a possibility that's a hangout for people looking for hookups? Or maybe he's just meeting one person in particular there?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Besides the sex thing, what other kind of lies is he telling you?

And out of curiousity, how old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

Thanks for the questions Openminded.
1. We were taking our truck somewhere and I accidentally found the items he uses when doing his solo prostate thing. I asked him if he had done what I thought he did - at first he lied and then he admitted it. 
2. Not that he cannot meet someone there, but the parking lot is very public in a residential area of a small community. It carries no reputation for being a hangout for anything other than people visiting a fishing pond.

I think my biggest struggle is reconciling my hurt and fear with what may or may not be a huge deal. I am not just hurt by his need for solo sex but also afraid that one he will keep doing this or more and get caught. He took his desire from the safety and privacy of our home into the public where getting caught means arrest. Now I am not just hurt but my life feels like a ticking time bomb


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## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

PBear,

I am 57 and he is 68.

He lies about various things....normally if confronted about something that went wrong or broken promises.

He promised to quit smoking - so he said he did - but instead he went on lots of errands and smoked everywhere, He kept up the charade and I was so proud of him then people starting making comments about seeing him smoking here or there. I said no because he had quit....they looked at me like I was stupid.

He'll break things and then blame it on anyone around

He'll tell me a story of why we need to buy this or that and totally took advantage of my lack of mechanical knowledge.

And so on and on and on....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Okay none of the stuff you said are considered serious lying.

Smoking is almost impossible to quit for many people and they lie about it just to feel accepted as a non-smoker. I've done it myself. Thank the society for this crazy obsession with portraying smokers as disgusting people. Not a huge issue. It's an addiction that is harder to kick than heroin.

Breaking things and blaming it on others is lying. Not sure if he can change this childish lack of responsibility at 68.

Taking advantage of your lack of mechanical knowledge is something almost all husbands do! LOL! Men want toys and they sure make them sound "needed"!

As for his masturbation in the truck, I'm not sure why you think he will get arrested? It's not a huge deal. Why does him masturbating and massaging his prostate disgust you? He's 68 years old. I believe he's entitled to some self-pleasing no?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yeaahhhh but, in his truck in a public place- a residential neighborhood? Not a good idea.

I know it's 4:00 am or some such hour but all it takes is one old lady out walking the dog, or worse a kid walking by and seeing him. One phone call to the police and he's in trouble.

In his own home? Enjoy. Out in public? Tread lightly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wrong place for that. 

He probably needed more "excitement" in his life so he decided a public parking lot was better than the bathroom at home. But that's obviously not a good idea. The question is can you believe what he tells you. 

Your husband and I are the same age. I quit smoking when I was 30 and it wasn't easy (serious understatement). Everyone I know who began smoking when we were young has now quit but a few people I know smoked well into their 60's. Maybe suggest he get some help with that? Better late than never.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Hi Landy - I am sorry for your confusion and pain. These are not unusual circumstances that you are facing and many husbands hide the full extent of their solo activity for obvious reasons. Many men engage in this kind of behavior because it's just easier than going through all the steps necessary for sex with their spouse. This is not a statement of approval for the behavior just an observation.

Marriage at any state is strengthened by open and honest communication when the goal is to meet one another's needs. Any marriage can benefit from seeing a professional especially when there is trouble. Have you brought up the idea of seeing a counselor? It may be hard for him at the beginning because he knows all of these things will be talked about openly. Patient persistence can help overcome the hesitation on his part. Especially if you let him know how hurt and confused you are.

Hope it goes well. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Before I give you my advice I will tell you that I sense very low self esteem/self worthiness from you.....for whatever reason. I hope my gut feeling is wrong......and I could be wrong. 



Landy said:


> Please Help Me. I am so confused and sad as well as ashamed. I have been married a very long time and spent much of the years trying to understand and/or overlook certain behavior from my husband. He is 11 years older than I so I thought much of my discomfort was due to my ignorance or lack of maturity. But two things have always been such a struggle for me. Lying and Masturbation.
> 
> 1. Lying. He lies whenever he will be viewed as accountable. He makes stupid mistakes or bad decisions but instead of owning them, he lies. It has been useless for me to ask him about anything serious because I have no reason to believe anything he says.


IMO, there is no worst person than the one that thinks they are always right and can never do ANYTHING wrong.

So let me ask you, why did you marry him knowing above? Didn't alarm bells go off in your head before marriage?

Confront this issue head on. Sit him down and tell him how you feel about this. Give him a chance to understand and deal with it.

Without trust, there is NOTHING. That's correct, you might THINK you are in a marriage, but if you this he is full of **** and don't trust him......you are NOT married or in a relationship at all. 



Landy said:


> P2. Masturbation. This shocked me as a newlywed 21 year old many years ago. I thought once you were in a committed relationship the man would prefer his wife. I now read and understand the two are separate. What hurts me so much is he does more adventurous things with himself and has never even tried to introduce those to me. He says he doesn't want me to feel awkward and assumed I wouldn't want to do it. I was nearly a virgin when we married but he was a more experienced man. I have come to believe I must be boring to him.


Before I answer this, I will tell you that Masturbation is a normal and natural part of men's life. I have a great sex life with my wife and still do it from time to time. Do NOT be disgusted at his normal human behavior please, that would be really wrong on your part.

NOW, what I need to know before I help you out with above is how is your sex life?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Landy
I think there are two different issues: lying about mistakes, and being uncomfortable / lying about his sexual interests.

Lying about mistakes: Maybe you can talk to him and make sure he understands that you don't expect him to be perfect or not make mistakes, just that you want him to fix them if they happen and that you will help.

Sexual interests: I think you need to accept that anything he does that doesn't involve other people is OK - but that he should do it at home. Many men are very embarrassed by masturbation, and especially by anal play. I know it is shocking, but really it is harmless. 

Maybe you can suggest that you are happy to be somewhat more adventurous in bed if he will tell you what he wants, AND if he is willing to do more of what you want (whatever that is). You absolutely do not need to do anything he wants - but do your best not to react badly to anything he asks (unless it really is a problem, like an interest in children or something).

I know that it is easy to seem some acts as "perverted", but honestly what is the harm?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The very fact that your husband was attracted to you for being a "good girl" and you've lived up to that reputation, to the extent that you're even threatened by masturbation, goes a very long way to explaining why he lies to you and hides his sexual appetites.

You are a Madonna in his mind. Someone who is there for kids and/or "love", but not to be tainted by the "dirtiness" of sex. He likely can't comprehend you in a truly "naughty" light, just as he can't abide the idea of being truthful to you about anything that might offend his "good girl".

And you've heartily lived up to that Madonna complex.

With the lies, being a mother/madonna figure to your husband will set up a situation where, like a child, he feels the need to hide all his perceived wrongs. 

Even the way you describe opening yourself up to his more sexual side is coming off as absolute discomfort borderlining on outright disgust. What man is going to feel comfortable exposing himself (no pun intended) to a woman like that?

An open, interested, adventurous woman isn't even going to sit around waiting for her husband to share. When you found the butt plug/dildo/whatever he was using on his prostate, did you tell him that you'd love to use it on him? Did you ask him, without judgement, to explain to you what he loves about it? Have you researched the things your husband loves and tried to enthusiastically implement them in your sex life on your own accord?


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## Landy (Sep 16, 2014)

Hello All - today is a bit better due to the helpful comments from all of you. First, none of this behavior was evident prior to our marriage or even during the first couple of years. The core of my worry is am I missing an obvious alarm of something worse to come? I am confused by a lot of this plus very naive and about healthy/tolerable sexual behaviors. I understand that anyone would lie if caught at something they felt was wrong and ashamed of. 
After a torturous day of sole searching and discussion I feel we are both a bit better now. 
Embarrassing as it is to admit, I felt betrayed, played for a fool, and at risk of something awful given the public location. 
I might not ever fully understand but I do know that if all things at home were healthy and satisfying then that event might not have taken place.
We have a lot to discuss and I am sure it goes well beyond a solo sexual event.
Thank you again.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Landy
One more comment - It is a really wonderful feeling to be able to trust someone with your most embarrassing secrets. If you can be that person, it will probably mean a lot to him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you ought to inspect that parking area yourself, look for signs of sexual trysts.

Don't put yourself in any danger, of course.

I don't buy his story at all. sniff test reasons.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Landy said:


> Hello All - today is a bit better due to the helpful comments from all of you. First, none of this behavior was evident prior to our marriage or even during the first couple of years. The core of my worry is am I missing an obvious alarm of something worse to come? I am confused by a lot of this plus very naive and about healthy/tolerable sexual behaviors. I understand that anyone would lie if caught at something they felt was wrong and ashamed of.
> After a torturous day of sole searching and discussion I feel we are both a bit better now.
> Embarrassing as it is to admit, I felt betrayed, played for a fool, and at risk of something awful given the public location.
> I might not ever fully understand but I do know that if all things at home were healthy and satisfying then that event might not have taken place.
> ...


Go back and read Jaquen's post just above yours. You're using terms like "something worse to come" and "tolerable sexual behaviors". The language you use tells the listener what your attitude is toward these things. So yes, of course he hides his preferences from you. He fears your judgement. As long as that's the case you two can never be true "partners" sexually.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening michzz
what makes you suspicious about this?



michzz said:


> I think you ought to inspect that parking area yourself, look for signs of sexual trysts.
> 
> Don't put yourself in any danger, of course.
> 
> I don't buy his story at all. sniff test reasons.


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