# unfaithful wife



## jotabravo (Oct 20, 2009)

I posted in here over a year ago about things I was going through. Now i'm on the other side of it... sorta. 

Caught my wife cheating on me. It continued through lies upon lies for a long time. I decided to try hard to save the marriage that if things could turn around then we would be able to work though it and it would be for the better. We have been married now 13 years and have 4 kids.

Last April found a Facebook conversation with another guy where they were talking about meeting up at his place. More fireworks, another separation... and we get back together. Finally she comes clean about the first affair and we begin to be able to open up to each other. While there is a lot of emotional sludge built up we start working through it. The marriage take a turn for the better and we seem closer than we have ever been. Sex is great and plentiful. We are spending quality time together... etc.

One thing, I just cannot seem to let it go. I don't trust her. She wants her space... I don't have passwords for her Facebook. She would freak out if I ever looked at her phone. This was the only way I caught her before. I still look from time to time and havent seen anything but that need of hers and my need to know do not work. I figured that over time that my insecurity would dilute itself and I would get over it. It does but then it comes back.

The 1-2 weeks I have been miserable. I cannot shake this feeling of thinking she is up to something. Before the initial affair, I was never jealous. I would have sent my wife to an island of men for a month and not worried about her. Now I doubt her very essence at times. 

Just want some of your opinions. It helps to see what I cannot. Feel free to ask questions.


---
At home I pay the bills, she holds a job and doesn't help with anything. We have a girl that cooks and cleans so my wife doesnt have to hardly lift a finger around here. She is focused on her life and her things... selfish, yes. Tolerable, most of the time.


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## jotabravo (Oct 20, 2009)

2 years since the first affair. 5 months since the last message on Facebook.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

time and time again, we see the best indicator of WS activities being the gut of the spouse. There are factors you see in the day-to-day interactions, body language, nuances, habits, tone of voice, etc. that can't be easily posted on a forum.

You know in your gut; you just don't have 'evidence'. And despite her prior affair, your wife hold the keys to any evidence very tightly -- and you let her??????? WHY?

_"She would freak out if I ever looked at her phone"_

Again -- WHY??? Because she has something to hide. It's quite simple. If there was nothing to hide, she wouldn't freak out. And she's got you playing along... ...one more time: WHY???


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i am 6 months from finding out and i still have serious trust issues. It doesnt help that i would dream frequently that something is still going on , even though i know it isnt. i have access to all his passwords, phone etc. I would insist this from your wife. You are only a year in and she cant accept that its over yet, esp for you. I would be suspicious too if my husband started guarding his phone again like he did when he was cheating. trust has to be earnt, its not something you just get back after a certain period of time. your wife has to understand this


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Since your gut is telling you something is up, I would spy. Install spyware on the PC she uses as well as her phone (if it's a smartphone). If it's not a smartphone, put a voice-activated recorder in her car to monitor phone calls.

A couple of weeks' monitoring will tell you whether you're being paranoid or not.

Assuming nothing is going on, then you have to decide whether you want to establish boundaries, which will discourage future affairs, or you would rather avoid conflict with your wife.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lay down the law- make a stand- You will get absolutely no where in healing if she doesn't do what is necessary to rebuild trust

Tell her she needs to be completely transparent in her actions

she needs to give up everything, allow you access to passwords, phones, etc

If she doesn't then you have to do what's necessary for you and your kids- divorce her

Understandly you are afraid to make such a threat, and yes she just may take you up on it, but if she does then have already lost her and were only living in a sham of a marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jotabravo said:


> 2 years since the first affair. 5 months since the last message on Facebook.


Same guy?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Wow, your story sounds remarkably like mine...amount of time married, Children, Facebook friends, lying, cheating relapse...everything. The only difference being my wife only works 3 days a week...I pay for everything. She has everything she could want…enough clothes and shoes to open her own store. She is beautiful but selfish and lazy as well…even more so during her affair.

My wife had the same issues with privacy, passwords etc. At least your wife opened up and told you something. My wife seems to be chocked with shame. Remember, there are unlimited ways to communicate in this day and age.

Is this the same guy from the first affair?….mine was. It turns out that her affair never ended….just went underground. They learn to be sneakier. 

Is the other man married? If so, tell his wife everything you know…immediately. That will mess things up on his end…she will be watching him for you. Affairs thrive on secrecy. No more secrets…no more affair. Expose!

Listen to Almostrecovered. 
You need to demand transparency and honesty. You need complete openness and access to her life…including passwords. If she fails to comply…File for divorce…It is that simple. Make sure she understands this. Also, do a 180 and work on you.

Go with your gut instincts…mine have always proven to be spot on. People who have nothing to hide…hide nothing! 

You can turn into an amateur detective and do the GPS tracking, key stroke logging, voice activated recorders and stuff like I did but that gets emotionally draining although it did help catch my wife. If you seek proof….that approach will help you find it. 

Ask yourself: is do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life? Worrying about where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing?

Do you self a favor…learn from my mistakes. Give her an ultimatum. If she hesitates, file for divorce. Cheaters don't realize what they are giving up until they think they are going to loose everything. Sometimes they need to be completely broken and hit the bottom before waking up. 

I was patient with my wife. The good people here tried to give me this advice and I didn't take it…I was wrong! I trusted my wife when she told me that the affair was over. She continued to lie and deceive until I actually went to see an attorney to file. 

Nothing will wake up a cheating spouse like a fresh set of divorce papers. Remember, you can file and later withdraw if she wakes up and complies with your demands.

If she complies with your demands…great. If she doesn't…well, you will have your answer. Either way, you will know and you can move forward. 

She must face the consequences for her actions. You need to come down on her like a ton of iron….get angry (not physically) You should be pissed off beyond belief! You can't leave things the way they are...it will eat you up inside. Make something happen. Do it for you and your children.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

When your wife screwed around on you, she gave up any and all rights to privacy, demands and complaining! Either she shapes up or she's out! Personally, if it was me, her ass would've been out the door and Divorced when I found out! Oh, and make sure that she leaves! She cheated, she leaves, not you!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry dude...but, it sounds like she was more sorry that she was caught rather than sorry she hurt you...


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## jotabravo (Oct 20, 2009)

The 2nd message wasn't the same guy. 

I did go to see an attorney, we separated and then one day were able to have a heart to heart. She felt no pressure to lie anymore and that was the first step back. It was good to hear truth even though the truth wasn't what you would want to hear.

Part of me feels paranoid, but it was these feelings that led me to discover things were happening the first time. I believe that everyone can make a mistake and our marriage was no exception. Our story is very abnormal on how we initially met. We had a hard beginning and got off to the wrong start. 

I think that it takes more strength to try and work something like this out vs. bailing out right away but one can only endure so much. If it was salvageable it was worth it to my kids to keep our family together and that is what I have been trying to do. The flip side is that I don't want my kids to see their parents miserable just because they tried to stay together and use that model to get into the same type of relationships and marriages.

She is a very dependent person. She has a hard time getting things done on her own partly because she is not very responsible and partly because it is just who she is. To compensate for this I think she tries to be emotionally independent... at least make herself feel that way. She is emotionally dependent too but at the same time can be very cold and hurtful just to prove to herself that she doesn't need me. She has always hated any type of pressure i.e. looking at her phone, emails, in her purse... not necessarily because she is hiding anything but I don't probably goes back to strict parents or something. I've always respected that space, however now it leaves me to wonder.

I did do GPS, keyloggers, voice activated recorders, etc... doing that **** can drive you crazier that not. That is how I found things out the first time but I just don't have the desire. 

The whole thing from start to finish is very painful. I never imagined... I try to use logic to find different ways to look at it, different perspectives, to hopefully be able to step out of the emotional storms but it is not that easy. Other times I start figuring out a budget and what apartment I want to move in to to finally divorce and just put it behind me. Not sure though that would really fix it either.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

First of all, you need to understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is what you need when you go to the restroom and with some couples, that doesn't exist. Secrecy is when you try to conceal something that would be detrimental to you or others. In marriage, there is really no need for privacy or secrecy. 

You two are one and your lives should be an open book to each other. You shouldnt hide anything feom her and she shouldnt hide anything from you. Transparency is the key to rebuild the trust that has been lost. If she is unwilling to be transparent and to give up all 'rights' to privacy, she still has something she is hiding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are enabling her, and you throw out excuses for her

Cut the day-girl to no more than babysitting, and MAKE YOUR WIFE, become a responsible housewife

Her money goes into the community

You are allowing her to be selfish----she needs to know what life is all about, as a mature housewife/married partner


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jotabravo said:


> At home I pay the bills, she holds a job and doesn't help with anything. We have a girl that cooks and cleans so my wife doesnt have to hardly lift a finger around here. She is focused on her life and her things... selfish, yes. Tolerable, most of the time.


 There's your biggest mistake. Turn this around NOW so that she has to start investing in you and the family - literally, figuratively, and financially - so that she has a stake in it. As it is, she is the princess and you are her servants. So she believes she deserves more than you. Pull her off the pedestal and start evening things out. If she balks, calmly ask her to give the LOGIC of why she should not contribute. Just listen. Say 'what else?' Say it again. And again. Until she can't come up with any more reasons. 

Then calmly say 'that is not logical and that is not enough. I expect you to start contributing. I'm open to whatever ideas you have, but it WILL change, or else you'll find yourself living alone and doing it all all by yourself anyway.'

You are not being alpha enough. Women despise betas. And cheat on them.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jotabravo said:


> She wants her space... I don't have passwords for her Facebook. She would freak out if I ever looked at her phone. This was the only way I caught her before. I still look from tim



Why do you suppose she "would freak" if you looked at her phone?

This is not normal behavior at all.

My wife has no problem with me looking at her phone..ever.

If she is so protective of it then she has a reason to be protective of it.
What reason do you think that is?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> In marriage, there is really no need for privacy or secrecy.


This I wholeheartedly disagree with.

Privacy is necessary for every person.

Secrecy has no place in a marriage.

I`ve been with my wife for 15 years, I`ve never seen her take a leak.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Agreed...No secrecy.



> There's your biggest mistake. Turn this around NOW so that she has to start investing in you and the family - literally, figuratively, and financially - so that she has a stake in it. As it is, she is the princess and you are her servants. So she believes she deserves more than you. Pull her off the pedestal and start evening things out. If she balks, calmly ask her to give the LOGIC of why she should not contribute. Just listen. Say 'what else?' Say it again. And again. Until she can't come up with any more reasons.
> 
> Then calmly say 'that is not logical and that is not enough. I expect you to start contributing. I'm open to whatever ideas you have, but it WILL change, or else you'll find yourself living alone and doing it all all by yourself anyway.'
> 
> You are not being alpha enough. Women despise betas. And cheat on them.


This is true. My wife's problem as well. I spoiled her rotten!
Studies have shown the the person with the least amount invested in the marriage are the ones who cheat. You didn't cheat because you have much more to lose...invested. 

My wife now uses her money for the family expenses as well...she never use to. She spent it on herself. 

My wife was not doing a damn thing around the house...especially during her affair. I also work 50 hours a week and I was doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, cutting grass, etc. Now she cooks, cleans, grocery shops and does laundry. I still help but it is understood that it is mainly her responsibility.

Now she contributes to the house hold in every way. 

She woke up and the fog cleared after I yelled at her and expressed my complete dissatisfaction for her lying, her affair as well as everything else about her selfish, lazy, princess ass that was pissing me off, for hours, until 3am one morning. I finished by telling her I was divorcing her...and I meant it. 

The next day she was completely different and she stayed that way. Why...because she finally believed me...I was going to divorce her. 

What is her family history? Is there divorce, cheating, death, abuse? 

There may be other problems that could be contributing to her behavior. This was the case with my wife. There was Divorce, cheating, alcoholism and the death of both of her parents, 4 months apart. She was nearing 40 years old at the time. With in 9 months of her parents passing away, she was starting her affair.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I think if you could look at all the marriages, where there are no problems with cheating---you will not see anything being withheld from either partner---if she is hiding something on her phone, e-mail, then she is inappropriately stepping outside the mge., and you need to stop it, let her complain all she wants----tell her she is an open book, as her vows suggest, or maybe she would like to start all over with someone else, as in seperation/divorce, is on the table, and she is free to try to find herself a decent new partner---which more than likely will be extremely hard to do!!!!!


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