# New Information



## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

I believe there is a bit of trickle truth going on in my situation. I learned a lot about her affair, I've read text messages and we've had plenty of talks. I may not know everything, but I'm not the type of man that needs/wants to know every little detail. I just want the truth when I ask.

A rather unrelated piece of information had come to my attention over the weekend. My WW's mother and father were divorced when my wife was still young. I just found out why when my wife said "this is what my mother did before her divorce" during a conversation with me. 

I learned that my mother-in-law had an EA/PA and it led to her divorce. Now I wonder if this fact has any impact on my WW's behavior. Is it possible?

My wife has agreed that she needs help and she is now seeking an IC. We will be starting MC shortly as well. I'm going to be looking for more heavy lifting from her.

Also worth noting; she is actively looking for a new job as it is possible her AP could still show up at the gym where she works. I am nervous about this, but until she gets a new job, we can't afford her to quit while she's looking for a new job. She stays in contact with me all day long, answers every message.

How much of an impact could her mothers past behavior have on her? Should I talk to them both about it? My mother-in-law doesn't know I know this about her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How many jobs has she applied for? Is she showing you her resume and the jobs she's going for?

Times are tough, but there are jobs out there.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> How many jobs has she applied for? Is she showing you her resume and the jobs she's going for?
> 
> Times are tough, but there are jobs out there.


We've only seen a couple. Short-term contact positions or locations that are too far away. We only have one car and I drive it.

She's emailed me links to the jobs she's found and we've looked together at home as well. We've refined her resume.

In time, I might be open to her settling for a minimum wage position at a clothing store or something until we can find an appropriate job in her field.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

No, dont involve the mother. Leave her out of it. Do not let her use what her mother did as an excuse for her behaviour. And that IS what she will do. No doubt. This is something that needs to be discussed in marital counseling. My father and mother cheated on each other. I habe never cheated on my husband. Although it may be a deep seated reason why i chose a man who cheats on me.....but thays another story. 

The responsibility of her actions fall squarely on her shoulders, no one elses. Do not let her wiggle out of this. If you do, she will most likely do it again

Good luck amd m very sorry you are going through this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not knowing what she does makes it difficult to make suggestions - however not asking for too much reveal either...

But it's been weeks and that resume should by this time be ready to send out - you can make it even better later - but your marriage is on the line here.

Can she use her skills in another industry as well? Such as Healthcare or Banking or Insurance? Sure the online sites are ok, but what about reaching out to friends and old coworkers who are now a new places ? 

I'm worried that she's moving slowly as if this is a idea that might help things - VS - a necessary and immediate action to save her marriage.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Owyn said:


> We've only seen a couple. Short-term contact positions or locations that are too far away. We only have one car and I drive it.
> 
> She's emailed me links to the jobs she's found and we've looked together at home as well. We've refined her resume.
> 
> In time, I might be open to her settling for a minimum wage position at a clothing store or something until we can find an appropriate job in her field.



some or many women have a habit of cheating...this might even be becoz of a nurtured ,natural trait from the genetic pedigree..


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Owyn said:


> How much of an impact could her mothers past behavior have on her? Should I talk to them both about it? My mother-in-law doesn't know I know this about her.


It could have impact but you can't blame it on the mother.
Many people who come from divorced families have even more strong morals and try to learn from their parents' mistakes.

Her mother's infidelity is not the primary fault for your wife's behavior.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> No, dont involve the mother. Leave her out of it. Do not let her use what her mother did as an excuse for her behaviour. And that IS what she will do. No doubt. This is something that needs to be discussed in marital counseling. My father and mother cheated on each other. I habe never cheated on my husband. Although it may be a deep seated reason why i chose a man who cheats on me.....but thays another story.
> 
> The responsibility of her actions fall squarely on her shoulders, no one elses. Do not let her wiggle out of this. If you do, she will most likely do it again
> 
> Good luck amd m very sorry you are going through this.


Yes you "involve" the mother or father.

Children learn from their parents words and actions. Now her mom may not of said banging an OM while being married is good. Most likely did not speak to advocate the affairs are good.

Mom did not have to say anything to teach her daughter. Mom taught her through her actions. Mom showed by example that hoing around was ok. So daughter grows up learning that it is ok to be a cheater.

And your on life shows how you we taught it was ok to marry a cheater just like daddy was.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Not knowing what she does makes it difficult to make suggestions - however not asking for too much reveal either...
> 
> But it's been weeks and that resume should by this time be ready to send out - you can make it even better later - but your marriage is on the line here.
> 
> ...


She's a medical office administrator. Healthcare would be the best option, but there are no openings where we live. The hospitals have nothing. Dentist/Doctor offices are offering short-term contracts. We're going to have to open up more possibilities, good point. The resume is ready to send out, we just need to send it. I'm going to have to make a point to tell her how important this is. Previously, she didn't want to take a new job, now she agrees that it's a good idea. But yes, it is moving too slowly.

From the other responses, I get mixed opinions about involving her mother. I think this is something better suited for our marriage counsellor when we get there. I think it could have an impact on her behavior/decisions, but I also agree that it's not the fault and she made her own decisions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest she go active in her search and start directly contacting doctors offices about positions. 

Short term contracts are risky, but they often do lead to permanent jobs - so perhaps rolling the dice isn't a bad option.

Does she know insurance billing stuff like ICD9 - that's often in high demand because it's what gets the offices paid.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I suggest she go active in her search and start directly contacting doctors offices about positions.
> 
> Short term contracts are risky, but they often do lead to permanent jobs - so perhaps rolling the dice isn't a bad option.
> 
> Does she know insurance billing stuff like ICD9 - that's often in high demand because it's what gets the offices paid.


I don't know if she does. But now I have a new question to ask. Thanks.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

My wife told me she is getting fishing messages from the OM. He sent her one for the past two days. She says she hasn't responded to them, but they were sent to her during work hours. I have access to her phone records so I can verify if she sent any messages back to him.

What's the best way for us to deal with this? And how long does it typically last?

I'm worried that he will go to her office when he's not getting responses to the text messages.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Owyn said:


> I learned that my mother-in-law had an EA/PA and it led to her divorce. Now I wonder if this fact has any impact on my WW's behavior. Is it possible?


Does it matter? She knew it was wrong and the M could end like her mother's did and she did it anyway.

My dad was a serial cheater but I'm not. My W's mom didn't cheat but she did.

Your W choose the A because she wanted it, nobody made her and you can't make excuses for her. She just has poor boundaries and self control.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Here's the only way I think it matters. Studies show that when people watch someone who they strongly identify with commit a dishonest act, their willingness to be dishonest significantly increases.

But if this were universally true, then everyone would constantly be doing dishonest things in all of their human interactions. At some point, a mature adult understands that they must make a choice to live in honesty NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE DECIDES THEY ARE GOING TO DO. Because it is the _right_ thing to do, not because it's "what everyone is doing."

This is a defect *in character* that someone would choose to copy dishonesty, perhaps an explanation for the behavior, but it can never, ever justify or excuse the behavior.

In my own life, I've been amazed at the number of people I know who had a parent who was a total sh*t, who nowadays would have been carted off as an unfit parent. These friends of mine are incredibly generous, loving, and amazingly good parents and terrific additions to any community. They flew in the face of science, I suppose, and chose to use their parent as an example of how not to live. And that's what's great about being human, our past only defines us as much as we allow it to.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Owyn said:


> My wife told me she is getting fishing messages from the OM. He sent her one for the past two days. She says she hasn't responded to them, but they were sent to her during work hours. I have access to her phone records so I can verify if she sent any messages back to him.
> 
> What's the best way for us to deal with this? And how long does it typically last?
> 
> I'm worried that he will go to her office when he's not getting responses to the text messages.


Well I can be a ruthless A-hole so just a few of the things I would do. 

1. Take her phone......text him back. Have him meet you somewhere......anywhere. Then when he walks in, proceed as you will. Personally I would professionally tell him he is about 3 seconds from getting his azz beat, and he needs to forget her, forget her phone #, and email. he is not to even think about her again. let him know you are checking EVERYTHING, so you will know if he does. 

2. Call him, from her phone, and let him know to forget her. 

3. Get her a new phone #


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK but it may be the MIL cheating, but maybe its the MIL lifestyle after the D that your WW witnessed. Maybe there were a string of men....a rotation if you will, that never gave your WW (as a young girl) a good example of a commited relationship.

Is it worth talking about it...No, I think that would be best addressed by her IC and the events in her childhood that brough out this adultous behavior. The pro's sometime have a better way of getting things like that out of a person.

As far as the MIL goes, do you think she will admit to this unhealthy behavior.....if I am right in my assumtion?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have her give you her phone and she takes yours. When he texts you either respond or you forward them to his wife?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Owyn said:


> I believe there is a bit of trickle truth going on in my situation. I learned a lot about her affair, I've read text messages and we've had plenty of talks. I may not know everything, but I'm not the type of man that needs/wants to know every little detail. I just want the truth when I ask.
> 
> A rather unrelated piece of information had come to my attention over the weekend. My WW's mother and father were divorced when my wife was still young. I just found out why when my wife said "this is what my mother did before her divorce" during a conversation with me.
> 
> ...


So long as your W is sincerely remorseful and is working on the M and not continuing the A, then I wouldn't worry about her mom and her past EA/PA. No point. Your W will just feel bad for her mom for going through that kind of experience too. 

If anything, it might be a good thing. Your W will see that her mom is divorced now because of it, and that will encourage your W to strive for better in your M.

I have a similar situation in my family, except the WS got a second chance. So if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

@ArmyofJuan: No, I'm learning that it doesn't matter.

@iheartlife: Very true. It is possible she learned some bad behaviour when she was a child. But as you said, I too have friends that had less-than-perfect parents and they turned out to be very good people. If I bring up with issue with her, it will be in MC or even IC.

@cabin fever: I don't think that's a really good idea for me. I wouldn't be able to hold back if I seen him, I would beat him. However, the phone option is possible... but I don't think I'd handle it very professionally.

@the guy: Another good point. I hadn't even thought of the events that could have taken place after the affair. It could have had an impart. But again, I will leave this topic for MC or IC.

@Shaggy: I really wish he had a wife... unfortunately, he does not.

@somethingelse: She has good days and bad days, as do I. Sometimes I really believe she is trying as hard as she can... but others I'm not so sure. But I've heard that there will be good and bad days.

Thanks for the input.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can she change her phone #?


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Can she change her phone #?


Yes, I assume we can contact the provider and have the number changed.


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