# Emotionally dependant



## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I ended a relationship of 8 years recently. It was my 4 relationship. It was not my dependancy that ended it but it's a big part of the problem. As an dependant i attracted a psycopath (ex wife - 3 years together) and an narcissist (the 8 years one). I've suffered a great deal in these relationships and i'm currently in treatment. I wanted to know about books that i can read that will help me Love myself, that will make me realize that i'm worthy, that i deserve love as well.

I understand the core of the issues that made me dependant. My dad is also a psycopath and killed my self steem when i was Younger so i always seek external validation and i'm treating that but i'm an avid reader and wanted suggestions to occupy my time and help heal from my breakup as i educate myself in the process.

Ps: Not a fan of modernist approach like "you're a badass: 15 ways of....",. etc. I'm looking for more deep and philosophical ones. Thanks in advance.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Start with:

I Hate You - Don't Leave Me
No More Mr Nice Guy
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Then:

12 Rules for Life
3% Man


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

thunderchad said:


> Start with:
> 
> I Hate You - Don't Leave Me
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> ...


I bought the 12 rules for life last week. Also, already read no more mr. Nice Guy but i'll give it another read After 12 rules as well as the others. Thank you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great one that provides an awareness of basic patterns we can fall into and trapping ourselves trying to make people happy to make up for misaligned validation in a relationship.

Drugs or alcohol are not the only addictions people fall into in life, wanting to be loved at all costs is just as harmful as a desire be it physical or emotional, or both... this book has good ideas on how unmindful we can become to ourselves alone when we don't love ourselves enough.

It is perfectly ok to say no to harmful relationships.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'd also suggest "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and "Boundaries in Marriage" also by Cloud and Townsend. 

If you are wondering what in the world a boundary even is...much less how to set a healthy boundary...you aren't alone! For years, I had no concept of "a boundary" and thus had no idea how to think of one or how to set one or anything. So start with this article: What Do You Mean "Boundaries"?


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> I'd also suggest "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and "Boundaries in Marriage" also by Cloud and Townsend.
> 
> If you are wondering what in the world a boundary even is...much less how to set a healthy boundary...you aren't alone! For years, I had no concept of "a boundary" and thus had no idea how to think of one or how to set one or anything. So start with this article: What Do You Mean "Boundaries"?


I always felt guilty when i put my needs First. Were you like that too? I thought I needed to keep giving, keep trying to fix the person they'd love me back but obviously that never happened.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Dad84 said:


> I always felt guilty when i put my needs First. Were you like that too? I thought I needed to keep giving, keep trying to fix the person they'd love me back but obviously that never happened.


Yeah I thought a boundary was making someone else live by my rules, like, "I have a boundary that you have to stop yelling at me" or "You have to help me with the household chores." In a way, I think I viewed Love as something I earned, as if it were a transaction (you know? If I just GIVE enough, I will have earned Love).

You know what? That's now what boundaries are at all! 

Boundaries start with loving yourself enough to not allow others to harm you. So think of it like a little fence around yourself and your heart. Now, other folks are 100% completely free to think and feel whatever they choose, and to act accordingly. But YOU for yourself, you say "I will only allow people in my life who treat me with kindness. That's my fence." If they treat you poorly, you can't stop them... or make them... but you can say "I need to have some distance between my heart and the one who is hurting me, because I value myself too much to let myself keep getting hurt." 

I don't know if you're a christian man, and I don't want to debate religion here, but Prov. 4:23 says "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Above all else, do this!" Wow, huh? No matter what faith you may (or may not) have, what that says to me is that MY HEART is important. Life flows from my heart to ... people all around me! And guarding my heart is so important that I'm supposed to do it "above all else" "with diligence" "with all vigilance" "with the utmost care" (depending on your translation). To me--that sounds like it is SUPER important to do this, so I take it seriously. 

Yep, I commend giving. I think giving is admirable and loving. But to give to the point that you're harming your own self and your own heart--that's where it gets unhealthy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scroll down to the bottom of this post, and check out the reading list: Be A Better Man, Be A Better Partner

Assuming you already have NMMNG, highly recommend Hold Onto your NUTS by Levine, and Way of the Superior Man by Deida

You will have to decide where you are on the spectrum of being 'agreeable' and conflict averse. 

Are you on medication for anxiety, depression, etc?

I guess what I'm asking is do you see these behaviors as 'who you are' or simply how you conduct yourself? 

Speaking for myself, I would certainly put myself in the category of easygoing, agreeable, and conflict averse right up into my late thirties. And I simply behaved that way because that was how I believed I was supposed to behave. But they weren't behaviors I chose. I can't say how or where I 'learned' them, but I definitely took to heart that 'being nice' was important as a young boy.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I could simply change, modify, or manage my behaviors. Like becoming proficient with any skill. I can not possibly overstate how radically my life changed when that occurred ... for the better. 

Sounds like you are on the right course. But, I'll tell you what I used to tell myself, and what I used to tell every guy that came here a decade ago wanting to shore up his own self-esteem, or navigate a failing relationship.
We can recommend books, behaviors, thought experiments and exercises. Absolutely nothing changes, until you consciously choose to DO those things. It means getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, as well as creating discomfort for others who will actively try to prevent you from becoming who you choose, rather than being who they expect.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> Yeah I thought a boundary was making someone else live by my rules, like, "I have a boundary that you have to stop yelling at me" or "You have to help me with the household chores." In a way, I think I viewed Love as something I earned, as if it were a transaction (you know? If I just GIVE enough, I will have earned Love).
> 
> You know what? That's now what boundaries are at all!
> 
> ...


@Dad84 ,
@Affaircare said things perfectly, but being a simple guy I need some interpretation.
So I'll try to restate her wonderful comments in a way that I would need to hear them and maybe it will help you or someone else.

I know what my priorities are in life... my faith, my wife, my family, my work in that order.

I want to be a leader, protector, defender, and positive role model in each of those areas.

There are things in my world that help me progress to the goals, and there are things that hurt me or take it backwards.

Cut out the things that take me backwards.
No matter where they come from.
No matter what it takes to cut them out.
Even if it's me that needs adjusting.
No matter what.

That's my simple worldview.
I hope it helps some.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Read the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that book changed my life. Codependent no more is great too.

The Mastery of Love by Ruiz is a great follow up - explains different types of love. Some people are just leeches sucking the life out of us. It was an eye opener for sure.


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