# how do wives want H's to handle the dry spell?



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

So were in a rut its obvious. We had been a fairly regular 3x a week for years, I don't count, I just know. Then something changed. A couple nights I realize she was just going through the motions. Then one night I made a pass when I thought she was interested and we had a small fight. We talked later and she said that honestly there was only a couple days right after her period that she needed me inside her. She said the rest of the month she normally just goes along, unless I wow her with something dominant.
This has tanked my libido. And our marriage isn't going to be good if we stop having sex, it used to be a strong point. Now I can feel all the little things that I used to ignore becoming major annoying items. Help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that there is a pat answer to how women want men to do anything because all women are individuals. What you need to figure out is what is going wrong in your marriage.

Usually when sex down downhill it's because there are problems in the marriage. Both of you might not be able to put your finger on it right now, but it's there. Usually by the time a person can articulate what the problems are, the marriage is in big trouble... because people wait far too long to take a real state-of-health look at their marriage.

My suggestion is that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them. then have your wife read them with you and work through what they say to do.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Follow the advice of EleGirl because this lack of desire may be a symptom of a larger more serious problem. That being said you can do a couple of things to help.

My wife does not orgasm often from PIV and she is like your wife in that she feels sexual desire around her cycle. It was hard to hear that I don't rock her world. It was frustrating and it sent my desire plumiting as well. Unfortunately she hates talking about sex and desire so I couldn't get any feedback as to what would help.

So I tried a few things to see what worked. I varied the frequency. When the frequency was predictable it was expected and more boring for her. I randomized it a bit and discovered that this helped with enjoyment. Sometimes she just needed longer to reset. 

Try different times of the day and positions and explore the dominance part you mentioned. I also tried to include super messages and things she enjoys that would not get her off but give her a good time nevertheless. 

You should also try oral and fingering. Unfortunately my wife doesn't like oral so that's out for me. Recently I noticed my wife was masturbating in the bath while I was shaving and she touches herself in a vary different way than I do. So I tried touching her in a similar way and discovered she really likes it when she used to push my hand away after awhile. I think she must be very sensitive to external touch more than I thought. I wish she would just tell me what works and what doesn't. It's so discouraging.

But despite her unwillingness to give me ideas of what pleases her I found that by randomly changing things and watching how she reacts I am discovering more of what she needs. And she is enjoying sex now more than when we had the talk. Don't give up, your gut is right keep the sex going.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer to learn what pushes your wife's buttons. 

Start losing weight, eating right, and working out/walking or running every day. Work on your core...the core man, get those abs hardened up. 

Start doing manly things around her. Wear a toolbelt with hammers and wrenches and shyt jingling off it.... even if you couldn't fix a tear with duct tape...look like you are doing something manly. 

Flowers, love notes, poetry (eeeeeeesh ) and all that guffa-faw that chicks dig. Start woooing her again. 

Tell her how sexy or beautiful she looks without expecting anything in return. Make a habit of complementing her then walking away and doing something else. Give her about 10 compliments everuy day. Stop getting your feelings hurt whenever she doesn't respond. 

Women are odd creatures. They can carry children to term and go through the agony of childbirth, care for the kids and run a home and work a career. They are immensely strong .... but inside they are as fragile as gossamer. 

A woman NEEDS her man to see inside her and empathise with her. Maybe you are not seeing her the way she wants you to. Figure out what that is and work it. Make it your mission in life. 

Make love to her mind and her body will follow.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Gseries said:


> This has tanked my libido. And *our marriage isn't going to be good if we stop having sex,* it used to be a strong point. Now I can feel all the little things that I used to ignore becoming major annoying items. Help.


Be careful as I think you have found yourself in the middle of the "Bermuda Triangle" of a marital sh!t test! Some men have been known to completely disappear off the radar when this happens. Sometimes you have to prove to your wife that the relationship is *more than just sex*. It is a paradox, b/c if you can prove things are strong without sex and you both can still really really enjoy each other without it, then you will get more sex. If you get stubborn with a stance of you need sex first in order to be fun to be around and have a good time together, that sends a message to your wife that she is just basically a servant to your c0ck. 

My neighbor Bob was going through the exact same thing and he was out washing his car one day all innocent. The next thing I know was I looked out my window and he had vanished, but the hose was even still spraying and soap bubbles outlined where he and his car were just sitting in the driveway. It was horrifying as there were not even wet tire tracks that you would expect to see if someone backed out over soapy puddles and left. He AND is car just freaking vanished from one second to the next! His wife said that his last words were for her to come out and help him steam up the car windows and check the suspension. By the time she turned around to go out and hose him down out of anger, there was no one there! 

So be careful dude! You might look down at your "martial compass" so to speak and see it jumping and pointing in every direction or even straight up to the sky. Just keep everything steady, fly straight, and do not panic! Hopefully you will weather the storm and come out to bright and sunny skies in a new area of your marriage that is paradise, OR you'll end up like Bob!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is exactly how to go about building and encouraging your wife's sexual responses!!!!




bandit.45 said:


> Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer to learn what pushes your wife's buttons.
> 
> Start losing weight, eating right, and working out/walking or running every day. Work on your core...the core man, get those abs hardened up.


Absolutely! I don't think any long term wife expects her husband to be ripped and buff, but to see him building muscle, to see those muscles helps a great deal!



> Start doing manly things around her. Wear a toolbelt with hammers and wrenches and shyt jingling off it.... even if you couldn't fix a tear with duct tape...look like you are doing something manly.



:rofl: Making her laugh frequently also creates a positive response!





> Flowers, love notes, poetry (eeeeeeesh ) and all that guffa-faw that chicks dig. Start woooing her again.
> 
> Tell her how sexy or beautiful she looks without expecting anything in return. Make a habit of complementing her then walking away and doing something else. Give her about 10 compliments everuy day. Stop getting your feelings hurt whenever she doesn't respond.


This!!! With those compliments, give some slightly sexual touching. Come up behind her, put your hands on her shoulders as you whisper a naughty compliment in her ear, then rub your hands down her arms while touching the SIDE of her breasts. Or hug her and slowly pat her bottom. Slight sexual touch combined with no sexual touch, often through out the day!!!



> Women are odd creatures. They can carry children to term and go through the agony of childbirth, care for the kids and run a home and work a career. They are immensely strong .... but inside they are as fragile as gossamer.
> 
> A woman NEEDS her man to see inside her and empathise with her. Maybe you are not seeing her the way she wants you to. Figure out what that is and work it. Make it your mission in life.
> 
> ...



Bandit, this is golden!


G, I'm kinda going through something similar. My libido just disappeared and my sexual response (ability to have awesome orgasms) has also disappeared. It's really complicated things in my marriage. What Bandit wrote (along with what I added) are all things I wished from my H for years and years. My strong sex drive meant that we could still have kickin sex even without doing any of the above. But now that my libido is gone, my response is muted, I absolutely NEED the above to even want to have sex as opposed to doing my duty. At least I think I do, haven't actually had the above to know for sure whether it would work or not.

Still, I could easily "do my duty" and put some enthusiasm in it, so long as he didn't expect me to respond as I normally would have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

They expect a 100% husband in exchange for a 2% wife.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> They expect a 100% husband in exchange for a 2% wife.


Sometimes. Sometimes a woman needs her man to lead her back into love. The trick is learning her...learning what her needs and inner desires are. It is hard work, especially if she has built up resentment. You have to die on your sword sometimes. That's what it is to be a husband sometimes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> G, I'm kinda going through something similar. My libido just disappeared and my sexual response (ability to have awesome orgasms) has also disappeared. It's really complicated things in my marriage. What Bandit wrote (along with what I added) are all things I wished from my H for years and years. My strong sex drive meant that we could still have kickin sex even without doing any of the above. But now that my libido is gone, my response is muted, I absolutely NEED the above to even want to have sex as opposed to doing my duty. At least I think I do, haven't actually had the above to know for sure whether it would work or not.
> 
> Still, I could easily "do my duty" and put some enthusiasm in it, so long as he didn't expect me to respond as I normally would have.


I think if your husband started doing those things and actually trying to be an attentive husband, your pilot light would be relit and that water would start boiling again.

A woman needs her man to show her he needs her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If I can't say anything nice. I'll keep my mouth shut.

I will say talking about it with her is a fail. start being confident and playful if things don't improve then its decision time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Sometimes. Sometimes a woman needs her man to lead her back into love. The trick is learning her...learning what her needs and inner desires are. It is hard work, especially if she has built up resentment. You have to die on your sword sometimes. That's what it is to be a husband sometimes.


Isn't that expecting someone to give equal or increased devotion in exchange for neglect (exactly as I said)?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Isn't that expecting someone to give equal or increased devotion in exchange for neglect (exactly as I said)?


If it goes on for an extended period then yes.. cut the cord and depart. I'm not saying you have to chump yourself out to an uncaring woman for the rest of your life. If you have gone the extra mile, did everything you could, then yes...time to make some tough decisions.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

What your wife said is probably how a lot of women feel but don't say it. Your wife has a lower desire than you for sex. Look at the positive side instead of denying you because she isn't in the mood she has sex with you to please you and make you happy. Would you rather have her reject you? I don't know why this affects your sexual life, just continue what you have been doing.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> They expect a 100% husband in exchange for a 2% wife.


Maybe he's a 70% husband and she's a 90% wife.... I don't think that sex makes for 98% of a good marriage...:scratchhead:


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

badsanta said:


> Be careful as I think you have found yourself in the middle of the "Bermuda Triangle" of a marital sh!t test! Some men have been known to completely disappear off the radar when this happens. Sometimes you have to prove to your wife that the relationship is *more than just sex*. It is a paradox, b/c if you can prove things are strong without sex and you both can still really really enjoy each other without it, then you will get more sex. If you get stubborn with a stance of you need sex first in order to be fun to be around and have a good time together, that sends a message to your wife that she is just basically a servant to your c0ck.


Maybe this is a sh!t test and maybe not. I did not see any blame being laid, just an honest appraisal of where she is right now.

Either way, him needing sex more than twice a month is not the same her being there to worship his manhood. He is not saying that is all he values, but that the marriage will be diminished. It is possible for sex to be necessary but not sufficient for marriage.

Also, there is no mileage to be gained by tip-toeing around the truth. If he genuinely needs it more than she does and he is not happy currently, then he needs to get that out up front, so that they can reach a happy medium. Anything else is a recipe for resentment.

Most women will acknowledge that regular sex is necessary to maintain a relationship. It's just a known fact. It's not like telling her he needs sex is going to blow her mind or lessen her image of him (at least it should not).


ETA: G Series

Not withstanding what I said above, I think your goal should NOT be, nor should you rate your performance on your ability, to have your wife horny for sex as often as you desire it. This ignores the possibilities that (1) she is responsive desire and (2) her sex drive simply is not at that level.

If you have a wife who will meet your need cheerfully when she is not into it (even after you guys get going), that is a huge positive. This forum is full of people whose LD partners simply do not bother because they are not in the mood.

You did not include many details about why the fight occurred. If it is a situation where she had built up resentment over trying to keep up with your drive, then yes you need to have a talk about how you can make it easier for her to respond. But if you are giving her grief because she is not climbing all over you, yet she is a cheerful provider and provides a good experience, then you need to back off a bit. Work on ways to bump up her drive while appreciating that she cheerfully meets your need.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DTO said:


> ETA: G Series
> 
> Not withstanding what I said above, I think your goal should NOT be, nor should you rate your performance on your ability, to have your wife horny for sex as often as you desire it. This ignores the possibilities that (1) she is responsive desire and (2) her sex drive simply is not at that level.
> 
> ...



I agree with the bolded!

G, I'm kinda like your wife right now. Your wife has been having sex with you because she knows you want it and it makes her feel good to make you feel good. Isn't that enough? If I want my H to scratch my back I don't need him to get pleasure from scratching my back, I'm just very glad that he WILL scratch my back happily and enthusiastically. Shouldn't that be enough? 

She just can't manufacture arousal, you can try to help but if it's not happening, that's okay too.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I agree with the bolded!yes and no? Am I insane for saying I need more than to just get off with my wife....I guess I did for many years. I'm saying the intimacy is lacking, and I need it. If day one of the month she just needs a hard one and two through 28 are all about keeping me happy...maybe that's too much honesty? To her credit she says its OK once she gets going. So yes there are couples worse off. I'm just wondering what ha ha is a woman's plan.
> 
> G, I'm kinda like your wife right now. Your wife has been having sex with you because she knows you want it and it makes her feel good to make you feel good. Isn't that enough? If I want my H to scratch my back I don't need him to get pleasure from scratching my back, I'm just very glad that he WILL scratch my back happily and enthusiastically. Shouldn't that be enough?
> 
> She just can't manufacture arousal, you can try to help but if it's not happening, that's okay too.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Isn't that expecting someone to give equal or increased devotion in exchange for neglect (exactly as I said)?


Sometimes in marriage one spouse needs more attention and the other can bring them back into the marriage this way. At some other time in the marriage, he might be the one who needs more.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Am I insane for saying I need more than to just get off with my wife....I guess I did for many years. I'm saying the intimacy is lacking, and I need it. If day one of the month she just needs a hard one and two through 28 are all about keeping me happy...maybe that's too much honesty? To her credit she says its OK once she gets going. So yes there are couples worse off. I'm just wondering what ha ha is a woman's plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


G, I think I'm confused.

You've mentioned that intimacy is lacking, but intimacy is not just sex. Sex is only a small part of intimacy.




> She said the rest of the month she normally just goes along, unless I wow her with something dominant


So if the sex isn't taking place during her monthly surge in drive, she is just going along for your sake.

But then you say unless you "wow" her with some domination. Apparently the domination really flicks her switch. 

Do you want to feel her desire for your body as strongly as you show your desire for her? Is that what intimacy means to you?

I think you might want to simply be a lot more dominant in order to flick her switch on her off days. Frankly, I'm not sure why you're not already doing that regularly since you know it turns her on.

Can you talk a bit about your desire for more intimacy and how that is the same as or different from sex?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Wow great replies. I'll try to give more detail without putting you to sleep.

My desire for more intimacy requires me to check in my man card. I am starting to miss the times where we flirt, then spend some time with foreplay, then hit the main event the fall asleep in each others arms, maybe after a short chat. When we were young we'd talk literally for an hour with me inside her just because we could.
Still risking my man card, its a battery charging thing. Right or wrong, i can almost feel my batteries charging after intimacy. i'm a better happier person for days. it is different from desire for sex? argh. yes. this is a complicated question because i don't know if i'm talking about "sex" or "release" and whether they are one in the same. in my utopia all "release" would come from "sex" but that isn't the case in the Gseries marriage. we're both closet masturbators not sure if that is relevant though.

ok i'm making an inference from some comments that the monthly sex surge drive isn't uncommon. i'm hoping to get a bit of latitude here since we have a lot of kids, wife was pregnant a long time and/or nursing so its only been last 5 years that cycles have settled into a routine. that said, its only been last 2-3 years that i've realized that this cycle thing  is HUGE when it comes to understanding my wife's life (correctly i should say our life together).

so i take it i'm not the only man who in the "high drive" days things he's the king of all things marital only to find himself standing there when the crash comes wondering what just happened?

So AP, yes, right or wrong, i can't stop myself from correlating my wife's lack of desire with lack of love. 

You asked about the fight....we have these once a year horribly episodes where i misread a signal and think we're having sex, only to have her pull out a book to read...i tried to hide the fact that i'm pouting, but she'll put the book away and say just do it and get it over with. now, i know that i should, but i always feel the same way at this point "i'm more than just a penis" but we all know that's dumb. but then i'm there, as my wife will say, with a wet noodle, and it'll take an hour and then we've lost precious sleep, etc etc. so the mini fight is from my wife "just do it don't be so shy about it".

as i type this i just realized men everywhere are thinking "why won't my wife say that..."


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you have problems with ED, stop blaming this on your wife's lack of interest. See a doctor. Get checked out. ED is often a warning sign of circulatory problems. You could have a heart attack or stroke. If you are physically capable of sex, then get some Viagra or Cialis and be there for her. Stop blaming your problems on her reaction.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Wow great replies. I'll try to give more detail without putting you to sleep.
> 
> My desire for more intimacy requires me to check in my man card. I am starting to miss the times where we flirt, then spend some time with foreplay, then hit the main event the fall asleep in each others arms, maybe after a short chat. When we were young we'd talk literally for an hour with me inside her just because we could.
> Still risking my man card, its a battery charging thing. Right or wrong, i can almost feel my batteries charging after intimacy. i'm a better happier person for days. it is different from desire for sex? argh. yes. this is a complicated question because i don't know if i'm talking about "sex" or "release" and whether they are one in the same. in my utopia all "release" would come from "sex" but that isn't the case in the Gseries marriage. we're both closet masturbators not sure if that is relevant though.


Thanks, now I understand better. No need to turn in your man card. What you're referring to is deep emotional intimacy and connection because the flirting, the foreplay, and the conversation all happening while physically touching is indeed profound. Neither a man nor a woman can deny that what you describe absolutely DOES recharge their batteries because it produces a soup of positive bonding, reaffirming, and connecting feelings. Yes, makes you feel like the king of the world when physical release is combined with such deep and meaningful emotional connection.

Having this and then missing this would cause you to doubt, or to feel the coldness of meaningless release without that profound connection. 

If you're both chronic, closet masturbators this might play a role in how long you go without seeking that emotional/physical connection. Do you think it plays a role?




> ok i'm making an inference from some comments that the monthly sex surge drive isn't uncommon. i'm hoping to get a bit of latitude here since we have a lot of kids, wife was pregnant a long time and/or nursing so its only been last 5 years that cycles have settled into a routine. that said, its only been last 2-3 years that i've realized that this cycle thing  is HUGE when it comes to understanding my wife's life (correctly i should say our life together).
> 
> so i take it i'm not the only man who in the "high drive" days things he's the king of all things marital only to find himself standing there when the crash comes wondering what just happened?
> 
> So AP, yes, right or wrong, i can't stop myself from correlating my wife's lack of desire with lack of love.


Okay, I get it now. When your wife experiences the drive surge and consequently seeks you out for sex, that's when you feel she is seeking you out for that profound emotional/physical connection. You haven't felt deeply connected to her except through sex? Sex is the only way you feel her desire to be deeply connected to you?

What if you two laid in bed in each other arms without sex? Would you feel emotionally connected then? Would physical contact combined with meaningful conversation create a connection for you? 

There is a difference between information sharing/dumping and conversation. Info sharing is when you talk about kids behavior, grades, reports, shopping needs, appointments, household task that are needed, schedules coming up, car maintenance.... None of this is emotional in nature (except how annoying) and none of it creates connection. But when you lay in each other's arms and reminisce about shared experiences, plan for new experiences, take about your feelings...these things do create an emotional connection. 

You don't need to have sex to have deep emotional connection and it can be had with deep emotional sharing with eye connect, with physical touching and embracing.

You feel left out in the cold when your bind isn't being regularly reinforced through sex and I'm suggesting you learn to recognize that connection can be had in other ways, and once you can feel that connection in other ways, then those times when your wife has sex to make you happy won't feel so empty because you can connect in that other way. Make sense?






> You asked about the fight....we have these once a year horribly episodes where i misread a signal and think we're having sex, only to have her pull out a book to read...i tried to hide the fact that i'm pouting, but she'll put the book away and say just do it and get it over with. now, i know that i should, but i always feel the same way at this point "i'm more than just a penis" but we all know that's dumb. but then i'm there, as my wife will say, with a wet noodle, and it'll take an hour and then we've lost precious sleep, etc etc. so the mini fight is from my wife "just do it don't be so shy about it".
> 
> as i type this i just realized men everywhere are thinking "why won't my wife say that..."



I understand why you are hurt and upset about these times. You are seeking that profound emotional connection but your wife sees it as you seeking a sexual release. You're both right. Your both wrong.

If you lay in bed holding each other having deep emotion sharing conversations and then have sex (even if she wasn't feeling particularly amorous) this will create what you seek without needing your wife to feel the physical arousal except as a response instead of as a prompt.

Now, if my own marriage could also follow this script...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Wow great replies. I'll try to give more detail without putting you to sleep.
> 
> My desire for more intimacy requires me to check in my man card. I am starting to miss the times where we flirt, then spend some time with foreplay, then hit the main event the fall asleep in each others arms, maybe after a short chat. When we were young we'd talk literally for an hour with me inside her just because we could.
> Still risking my man card, its a battery charging thing. Right or wrong, i can almost feel my batteries charging after intimacy. i'm a better happier person for days. it is different from desire for sex? argh. yes. this is a complicated question because i don't know if i'm talking about "sex" or "release" and whether they are one in the same. in my utopia all "release" would come from "sex" but that isn't the case in the Gseries marriage. we're both closet masturbators not sure if that is relevant though.
> ...


This sounds like a fail on both your parts. 

A) Don't pout--but you know that already. 

B) If she's actually saying "Just do it and get it over with"......wow. Who could possibly resist an invitation like that? Just smile and back away at that point. Disgengage until you both cool off.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Sometimes. Sometimes a woman needs her man to lead her back into love. The trick is learning her...learning what her needs and inner desires are. It is hard work, especially if she has built up resentment. You have to die on your sword sometimes. That's what it is to be a husband sometimes.





DTO said:


> If you have a wife who will meet your need cheerfully when she is not into it (even after you guys get going), that is a huge positive. This forum is full of people whose LD partners simply do not bother because they are not in the mood.





EleGirl said:


> Sometimes in marriage one spouse needs more attention and the other can bring them back into the marriage this way. At some other time in the marriage, he might be the one who needs more.





Anon Pink said:


> Thanks, now I understand better. No need to turn in your man card. What you're referring to is deep emotional intimacy and connection because the flirting, the foreplay, and the conversation all happening while physically touching is indeed profound. Neither a man nor a woman can deny that what you describe absolutely DOES recharge their batteries because it produces a soup of positive bonding, reaffirming, and connecting feelings. Yes, makes you feel like the king of the world when physical release is combined with such deep and meaningful emotional connection.
> 
> Having this and then missing this would cause you to doubt, or to feel the coldness of meaningless release without that profound connection.
> 
> ...



Gseries,

These posts are gold! Pay close attention to them.

Read her cycles.
Show your dominance. You said she eats it up.
Don't pout about not getting sex every time you want it.
Explain that while you do want the physical, you also want and need the emotional as well.

This last parts really important.
Think back you the single worst session you and your wife have had. Every couple has had at least one. Think about how it might have been ok or even pretty good, but it just wasn't completely fulfilling. How you had that nagging feeling that something was missing. *Now multiply that by 1000. Then approach your wife with understanding.
*

You guys will come through this and be better for it. And not only will she thank you for it, but you will thank yourself. Best of luck to you.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Thanks all! The posts are definitely golden.
I suggested Viagra once my wife very quickly said no way. Not sure what that meant. Does Viagra offend wives?
Is closet/chronic masturbation a factor? Probably, but that's not easy to talk about.
I think all this information has really helped. Period is ending today I think I'll see how it goes. Going to do my pushups and sit-ups....


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Oh I forgot....the worst sex we have is when she says yes even though she doesn't want to, then I go along because I don't want to offend her, but I know she isn't into it, I know its totally different than many couples I see here who never have sex, but sometimes there we are doing it and I'm desperately trying to maintain an erection, because if I don't finish she gets clearly offended....anyways I finally got that out in the open and explained this, I suggested we needed to be able to say no to each other


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The next time she grabs a book and ignores you, put on your workout clothes and go for a night run, then come home and do some sit-ups and push-ups. Get yourself fit and ready for your next wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> The next time she grabs a book and ignores you, put on your workout clothes and go for a night run, then come home and do some sit-ups and push-ups. Get yourself fit and ready for your next wife.


i guess they don't call you 'bandit' for nothin!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Thanks all! The posts are definitely golden.
> I suggested Viagra once my wife very quickly said no way. Not sure what that meant. Does Viagra offend wives?
> Is closet/chronic masturbation a factor? Probably, but that's not easy to talk about.
> I think all this information has really helped. Period is ending today I think I'll see how it goes. Going to do my pushups and sit-ups....



I think your wife lacks understanding of male sexuality. I think, like so many other women, your wife doesn't understand that erectile difficulty does not mean you are not attracted to her or sexually desire her and I think this makes her fear that an artificially produced erection means the feelings are also artificially produced.

G, you could do a better job of explaining to your wife YOUR sexuality. To explain that your sense of HER feelings affects your erection. That if you are not sensing her desire for you, as opposed to your desire for her, your erection is affected. 

Men MUST be proactively verbal because women really do take it personally when he doesn't get it up. When my H had constant ED I absolutely took it personally! I would not believe anything other than the script in my head that told me I was revolting to him. He could have and SHOULD have done a lot more to help me understand what was really going on in his "big head." Unfortunately he was pretty much silent which allowed my internal script to get worse and worse.

If you're having ED problems occasionally, masturbating could make it worse so I suggest you refrain from masturbating as much as possible. Talk to your wife. Share your concerns and feelings with her. You've mentioned that she isn't fully comfortable talking about sex. But it is very important to have these conversations and someone has to take the lead...and since you're here....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> The next time she grabs a book and ignores you, put on your workout clothes and go for a night run, then come home and do some sit-ups and push-ups. Get yourself fit and ready for your next wife.


If you extract yourself from the trap, you might do your best to avoid jumping back into another one.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

1. I don't understand the last post.
2masturbating could make it worse so I suggest you refrain from masturbating as much as possible.
I have no idea how to do that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> i guess they don't call you 'bandit' for nothin!


What I'm saying is, if he starts putting in the effort to woo her back, and she continuously spurns him, then all he can control is what is going on with himself. He should be taking care of himself and trying to be the best person he can be, which includes getting and staying healthy, working hard at his job, dressing sharp and working towards his dreams. 

He can only give her what she is willing to accept, and if she is unwilling to accept anything from him then it is time for him to spend that energy on himself. Right now it sounds like he has been friend-zoned by his wife. It doesn't sound to me like there is any love or attraction there, and it doesn't sound to me like she is responding emotionally. 

I do not understand why there is this jump to the conclusion that the reason a woman shuts down in a marriage is do to a lack of attention from her husband. Like some men, some women are just lazy. 

Lazy people do not make good lovers or spouses.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> 1. I don't understand the last post.
> 2masturbating could make it worse so I suggest you refrain from masturbating as much as possible.
> I have no idea how to do that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're having ED problems masturbating could make it worse for two reasons off the top of my head.

1. Your own personal grip is different than hers, and different than her vagina. Masturbating with a grip that is substantially different from hers could desensitize you. You do not want to desensitize your penis. 

2. Masturbating allows you too much time in your head where your fantasy of a partner "ravishing" your penis is counter productive to learning to be less reactive to what YOU think SHE thinks. Because her desire for sex isn't always as strong and that seriously affects you, reinforcing that fantasy or need to have blatant lust be shown by her isn't realistic. 

The goal is to learn to compromise so everyone gets as much as their needs met as possible. It isn't realistic to expect or want or need her to ravish your penis each time you want to have sex. Are you looking for emotional connection or are you looking for a frequent fantasy fulfillment.

I think it's common for both men and women to want their spouse to show unbridled lust and desire for them. But I think it's unrealistic to need it every single time. As long as you're getting it often enough, those more tame lustful expressions won't feel like a rejection.

3. Masturbating too often, without honest communication can create an emotional divide. You're taking care of your own needs time and time again and it MAY cause some resentment that is rather unfair. 

The best thing I ever did was start informing my husband when I masturbated. It was good for me to be open about my needs and good for him to see just how often and strongly and productively I had those needs. 

How would your wife respond if she knew how often you masturbated?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

My guess is she knows a little more than I think bit doesn't understand the impact. I would need her help to stop that much I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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