# Lost in Love (Long)



## mshab61 (Mar 17, 2011)

Hello, First post on this site. This is long if your up for it.

A little history before I get to what I'm here to discuss.

I've been happily married to my wife for 21 years and we have two daughters together ages 17 and 8. This past year (2010) we have both gone through some health issues. I had a herniated disk in my neck that was surgically repaired in May of 2010 and I contracted pneumonia in September of 2010. My wife was diagnosed with heart arrhythmia in late 2009 and had a procedure done to correct it in February 2010 and she had a partial hysterectomy done in July of 2010 due to excessive bleeding.

I just turned 50 years old and since my stay in the hospital (6 months ago) with pneumonia I have been eating healthier and working out daily and have dropped 30 pounds and feel great. I'm the weight and shape I was when my wife and I were married 20 years ago (5'10" — 170lbs) and full of muscle (for you Men at Work fans) LOL. My wife has also lost a lot of weight not only because she wanted to but for health reasons as well. She also is the same weight now as she was when we got married (about 118lbs) and looks great. My wife will turn 48 in September.

Now let the story begin. During this past year our marriage has not been the same as it was. There was a lot more and often arguing over the typical things that married couples argue over but many of these arguments got heated and there was a lot of verbal abuse being thrown around never physical though just verbal by the both of us but if you ask my wife she will say it was all me and she was just responding to my verbal abuse. If you ask me I say we are both equally wrong and we both gave it and received it but never the less we were both wrong and it has damaged our marriage. I will say though the past two months things have clamed down but there is still the occasional outburst but we keep it much more controlled.

About three weeks ago my wife and I agreed to seek counseling and have gone to four sessions so far and I'm glad we are doing this. A little more history on this story, for about three months now my wife and I have grown distant. Maybe this is why things have calmed down recently. For the past three weeks during the evening hours while our 8 year old was tucked in for the night and my 17 year old was in her room on the computer with her friends I would find my wife down stairs while I'm up stairs all night until bed time. I'm a sports fan and enjoy watching sports on TV so at first I wasn't all that bothered with this arrangement, probable selfish though. My wife would spend her time on her lap top with what I thought was only Facebook and web browsing and stuff like that. I started getting a little suspicious when whenever I would go down stairs she would cop an attitude like what are you doing down here and would cling to her computer. I started to think maybe she was doing some on-line chatting with however and I started snooping (sorry). I find out that my wife has a new password something she has never done before. The suspicions start to grow.

A little more history, sorry try and stay with me please. My wife and I dated seven years before getting married and there was a short period of time somewhere in the middle of our dating history (and this is where it starts getting interesting) my wife then girlfriend and I experimented having another woman join us in bed. This did not last long it was a thing that I though at that time was just a phase and we moved on from it and ended up getting engaged a year or two later.

Back to the present, now that my suspicions have grown I turn to cell phone snooping (again sorry) sure enough her phone has a password now as well as her computer, again something she has never done before. I have yet up to this point in my story confronted her on any of this. One day she was doing something around the house and she left her computer unattended and forgot to log off something she never does of late. While the computer lay on the kitchen counter I'm sitting in the living room and I here a "ding" come from her computer. It turned out to be a message from someone from a site called Match.com. Then the reality of it all hit hard. I still kept it under control and let it slide because I didn't want to have an argument in front of my children who were home at the time. Now I have confirmation that she indeed was taking with other people (strangers) for awhile now and that hurt.

I have been a loyal and faithful husband and boyfriend for 28 years and to think my wife was looking outside our relationship was devastating. In my heart I do believe she also has been faithful throughout our marriage. We had a great marriage up until just recently. And I still believe she hasn't had an affair but I'm pretty sure she might be looking to do so.

Now the sticky part, I have good reason and pretty much know she is looking for someone of the same sex. This brings us back about 25 years ago when we experimented with a threesome, and I do believe its coming back to haunt me.

During our forth session with our counselor some of this has come out but she denied in front of me and the counselor that she was having any affair what so ever and I believe her because we both have busy lives between our work and our children there isn't time for a full blown affair. We get up the same time, we go to work the same time (no traveling involved), and we get home around the same time every day for the past 20 years.

There is a part of me strange as it might sound that wants her to go and do her thing (experiment again, this time alone) and get it over with and hopefully come back to me when she gets it out of her system. And then there's the other part of me that thinks if this happens I will lose her and our family will be torn apart. I've been doing a lot of reading about Bi-Sexual and Lesbian life styles. And I'm getting some conflictingin formation, some say you are born a lesbian and know it from a young age and some say you don't know that you are a lesbian until you come to the realization later in life. As far a Bi-Sexual I've read that it's mostly experimental and you either truly heterosexual or homosexual but you can't make your mind so you enjoy both until you come to a conclusion or not.

I've questioned maybe it has to do with having the hysterectomy and possible going through menopause and on top of that a mid life crisis of some type but haven't gotten any concrete evidence that this is contributing to the problem.

It's in the counselor's hands now and I have to let the process take its course but it's been tough and I will try whatever it takes to get her back and in love with me again. I have never stopped loving her even through these rough times.

If anyone was able to read this and had the time to sit through this saga I would greatly appreciate anything you had to say.


Thank you,
Very saddened


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Your story is pretty common.

When things got rough your wife started to disconnect from you.


> A little more history on this story, for about three months now my wife and I have grown distant. Maybe this is why things have calmed down recently.


 Things got "better". There was no fighting, but your wife is pulling away from you.

Emotional affairs, match.com, and the like are all very common when marriages get rough. Don't get too bent out of shape with it as long is its harmless. 

My wife had a mild EA when things were rough. My story is in my profile if you care to read it. I walked out once because she was going to spend time online with him over watch tv with me and it was the best thing I could have done. She realized it was an issue and mostly stopped.

When things get better between you two, the EA and match.com will stop.

The fact that she was talking to women isn't THAT big of a deal. You know she is a least interested by the idea of a threesome with a woman. 

I don't think she is bi or lesbian. On a spectrum of 100% strait to 100% lesbian, she is somewhere in the middle, but closer to strait. She would probably never cheat on you or the like, but she is at least somewhat interested in women.

I hope that helps. I don't think I would be concerned. Put 100% into fixing your marriage in MC and this should all fade away. Your wife might have some interest in women, but wouldn't cheat on you to do that.

Best of luck



> Now the sticky part, I have good reason and pretty much know she is looking for someone of the same sex.


 She was probably looking at both sexs and you saw a female one.


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## mshab61 (Mar 17, 2011)

anx, thank you for the response.

If we didn’t have children I probable would have walked out by now. I’m not sure if you have children and if you don’t I can see why you had no problem walking out.

You are correct my wife and I are distancing our selves and that is one of my biggest fears.

As for the attraction towards women I disagree with you. I’ve come to the conclusion that she believes she has become or is becoming a lesbian.

She is seeing her own personal therapist about this and I’m no part of it so I have no idea what is being discussed at those sessions but all I know is my families future is in the hands of my wife and her therapist at this point in time.

I’m not a control freak but it hurts not knowing what’s being discussed. My main concern is that this change has been brought on by something other than just attraction to women.

I’m concerned that it might have something to do with some type of a mental break down due to her health issues that I mentioned and it is clouding her thought process. She my need to seek medical help and is not giving her therapist the information the therapist needs to make the correct analysis.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Goodness, the more I read these stories, it seems there is always third party involved.

FIRST, get solid proof. PRINT OUT the match.com and SHOW it to her. SHe cannot deny it to you then. But leaving this alone is NOT going to help the situation, ok? So you need to confront her with hard evidence. If you can get in her phone, DO IT. Her putting passcodes up is SUPER suspicious. Most cheaters do this. 

AFTER getting hard evidence, tell her you won't live in an open marriage and if she does not end all contact with OW/OM, you will take appropriate measures up to and including filing for D. BE FIRM.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I just walked out for a few hours. I went shopping for new shoes or jeans I think. You could take the kids for ice cream or something. I've suggested walking out to a few people, but I don't really know.

I hope for your family, I hope she hasn't "become a lesbian". Theres nothing you can really do about it, and changes like that really hurt the people like you.

I do hope you reconnect. It is possible. She needs to figure this our for herself before she can be happy with you. Just keep up the work you need to be doing and hope (and pray if you are religiously inclined). 

I would also recommend any books that speak to you. I spend a few hours in bookstores looking for helpful stuff, and ended up really liking what I read.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

jellybeans might be right too. Check out the infidelity section of the site.


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## mshab61 (Mar 17, 2011)

Jellybeans,

Seems like no one is taking the children into account. They are my life and I will do what ever it takes to keep them from getting hurt.

I do not have any hard evidence of an affair. There was one Sunday a week ago when she said she was going to meet a friend from work and talk, I know the women that see said she was meeting and I though nothing of it but that meeting went from 11:00am to 11:00pm??? Other than that one occasion she really hasn’t had time for any type of lasting affair.

Sure she goes out shopping and she has an occasional union meeting after work but where talking a few hours here and there. Maybe she’s just doing quickies, I don’t know. From what I've read when women get together there is no such thing as a quickie. Right now most of her time in the evenings is spent on the computer.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Have you talked openly and honestly about this with her? Tell her you are afraid she is backing away. Concerned about match.com/affairs.


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## mshab61 (Mar 17, 2011)

anx said:


> Have you talked openly and honestly about this with her? Tell her you are afraid she is backing away. Concerned about match.com/affairs.


Yes it’s out in the open as far as knowing about her interest in women again (25 years later). Tonight we are going to see our counselor and I’m planning on bring up the distancing even though we we’ve spoken a little on that subject but it’s gotten worse since. As far as an affair, she denies having had an affair up to this point.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Looking at match.com isn't that uncommon when you are mad at your SO. I wouldn't, but I've heard it a lot. I think she has probably always been interested in women. It may have been totally repressed because she was happy with where she is at, but she has probably always been at least a little interested.

Its a way to silently get back at them and find the emotional connection you are missing. Same thing with EAs.

I hope counseling goes well. Its probably the only place to talk about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

mshab61 said:


> Jellybeans,
> 
> Seems like no one is taking the children into account. They are my life and I will do what ever it takes to keep them from getting hurt.


As you should. You need to protect them.


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