# How (or should) I get over a cheating wife?



## billyBob123 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hey all,

I'll try and give you enough details so please bear with me. Last year my wife didnt come home after a night out. She turned up the next morning. She told me she went back to a guys house but nothing happened. I took her word on it.

Since then I've found her talking to another guy via a social networking tool (which hadn't really started and stopped immediately when I found out). After that she started texting a work collegue alot. I eventually found out and found that some of the texts were explicit in nature (nothing that led me to believe something actually happened). Its now stopped. She did admit to kissing him once when drunk. She still works at the same place with him - this bothers me..alot.

She suffers from depression and there are kids in the picture. I love her but am struggling to see how to trust her again (or if I should). She gets defensive if I ever bring it up.

Thoughts?
Bill.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

billyBob123 said:


> Last year my wife didnt come home after a night out. She turned up the next morning. She told me she went back to a guys house but nothing happened. I took her word on it.


1 - She starts talking about all of this and shows a sincere attempt to discover what her deal is or you walk. 

2 - She either comes clean on the night she screwed the guy she picked up at the meat market or you walk (I trust it wasn't a 7th grade dance. Nothing happened? BS). Think it's bad now? Wait another 10 years of this eating you up inside THEN try to work on it with her. Good luck with that. She either fesses up now or you strap her to a lie detector. Think she'd be OK with you hooking up with a strange girl at a pick-up joint then going home with her all night? Then be OK with "but nothing happened"? I doubt it also.


And to EVERYBODY - It is OK, even recommended, to not allow your spouse to hang out at places known best for members of the opposite gender hooking-up for sex. They call these places meat markets for a reason.


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## billyBob123 (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks. I'm not saying I believe her as such but she claimed to have climbed into the bathtub and slept in there. Its hardly what I'd of made up...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You allowing her to spend the night without agreement prior IS allowing her to cheat.

I don't believe her and I have no clue who y'all are. I've been through this. Stop making excuses for her poor judgment. I'm betting she's having an affair on you. My ex h spent the night frequently away from home. I knew he was being unfaithful. 

Not once have I ever spent the night anywhere without hubby's consent. This was a meetup with other women only! Hubby spent the day with us and went home at night.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Only you know if you will ever be able to trust her again. Is it really worth being married if you feel like you need to police her every move? Why would she have climbed into a bathtub to sleep? Doesn't she have friends she could have called , or you? That story is sketchy at best, but anything is possible.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

billyBob123 said:


> she claimed to have climbed into the bathtub and slept in there


That's not even original. Is she a Beatles fan?

"She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh. I told her I didn't crawled off to sleep in the bath". 

(or something close)

Norwegian Wood
The Beatles.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi BB sorry you are here!!! I agree with MrK from what you have said it appears as if she is doing a little rug sweeping. What would happen to you if the tables were turned I.E. You were out just kissing some chick etc ?? I would suggest that you tell her you want the truth and that you expect to be in a marraige with just 2 people not 3 or 4 or whatever. If you dont feel comfortable with something or situation then i would bring this up to your spouse and communicate this with her. If you are interested in staying married i would also suggest some MC to help deal with these issues i myself would feel uncomfortable in the same situation if my spouse was still working at the same place that she suppossedly kissed the OM this only hurts the recovery and trust process in my opinion.

Good Luck


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## billyBob123 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok. So I need her to share the truth on everything. I think I can forgive her - as I said, I do love her. I want to try and get through it.

What happens if she wants to go out drinking with her friends again (she has no ability when out drinking to know when to stop)? Should I not let her? Is that then me being too 'policing'?


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you should make clear that if she wants to stay married, she will not be going out to bars with her friends. She has already proven that doesn't behave appropriately in situations like that. Will she pitch a fit or accept that? That's what I meant when I asked if you can be happy if you have to police her all the time. She needs to understand that she has broken trust, and she is to blame for that. She shouldn't make you police her.


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## billyBob123 (Mar 20, 2012)

381917 said:


> I think you should make clear that if she wants to stay married, she will not be going out to bars with her friends. She has already proven that doesn't behave appropriately in situations like that. Will she pitch a fit or accept that? That's what I meant when I asked if you can be happy if you have to police her all the time. She needs to understand that she has broken trust, and she is to blame for that. She shouldn't make you police her.


Thanks. When I first found out I did originally want her to leave her job. I said as much but then backed down - one because money (or lack of it) makes her deeply depressed. She has confidence issues - I've always loved her figure, the way she looks and tell her often. I worry that if I push her too hard or upset her that it will trigger her depression further. She has said in some discussions that she was 'in a dark place' when she did these things. I'm not an expert in this area..


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not an expert either, but I am sure that her having dalliances with other men has put you in a dark place, no? She needs to quit that job unless your family will starve and be homeless without that income. I'd tell her it's her choice, keep the job and be divorced or quit the job and stay married to you.

As another poster said, you have every right to police her. I just don't think that I, personally, am willing to live like that. I don't think I'd care about being policed myself, but doing the policing is way too stressful for me. I policed my ex for a year or more (the problem was addiction, not sexual/cheating) and it really sucked the life out of me. I'd rather be alone.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

First off, her depression has nothing to do with her cheating. That's an excuse. She cheated because she lacks respect for you and has zero in the way of personal boundaries. 
Go home early one day, pack her clothes into garbage bags and have them waiting by the front door. When she gets home she will ask what is going on. Tell her she has fifteen minutes to tell you everything about her affair. If she refuses, tell her to leave and go stay with her coworker. Tell her to expect to be served divorce papers soon. See how smug she is then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

she said they kissed once = he banged her,,,


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She's been with/is with 3 guys up to now, in the past, year or so---and you are not doing anything about it

Read what mge is all about---1 man and 1 woman---no single people of the opposite sex involved

You may love her now---but if you don't put an absolute stop to this---love is gonna turn to hate real fast


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