# Afraid I'll wind up cheating, don't want to..help!!



## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I wanted the input from some males out there. I have been married for 15 years,have 2 great kids and while I love my husband,the marriage really lacks the sexual excitement.

When we do have sex I feel like he's rushing to get what he wants and I am left unfulfilled most times. He's 45 and use to have a tremendous sex drive but,age I guess plays a roll and now he has to take Cialis for a couple of days before we can do anything so spontaneity is out!

I have talked about this with him many times that I like longer foreplay and the anticipation of what's coming next. We have done the porn, I always dress in sexy lingerie,even costumes and role play.

He use to care about my enjoyment first but, now he's anxious I guess about losing the mood or maybe he's not in to me anymore.

I am tired of talking about this,things get better for a little while and gradually we find ourselves in the same place. He's on his PC with Diablo and I am upstairs on my Nook.

I find myself looking at porn videos or a couple and seeking my pleasure that way and frankly it's not the same as the real thing. 

Don't get me wrong I have never had a big sex drive he always did. Now,I find myself not having an orgasm or faking one with him and I feel awful. We've tried sex toys and everything but,now we just feel like roommates and he's an AWESOME Dad and great in every way but, the sex dept is lacking so much that I even considered seeking out another married man who's also not being fulfilled by his wife. I created a profile and then felt so bad after 3 days I removed everything.

I know I have to tell him but,am afraid of what will happen. I have talked about me needing more in our sex life and he just doesn't get it,I feel. 

Guys out there please give me your input!!! I would appreciate it.


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## JonJon96 (Jul 18, 2015)

I'm sorry you're having this problem. I can understand how you would connect with a man going through the same thing in his marriage. I'm preparing to divorce my wife for denying me intimacy. I would caution you against putting yourself in a vulnerable position with men like that because temptation is dangerous. It seems you still really love him and this looks repairable.

I think you need to tell him how you really feel and do it in a loving way that will not hurt his self confidence. If he feels inadequate then it might be harder to get his libido back. PLEASE don't fake anything. I can't tell you how much resentment I have over my wife faking enjoying sex at the beginning of our marriage. 

This may be uncomfortable for you but tell him how bad you want him to satisfy you-orgasms etc. Give him a challenge that will be exciting for both of you. Ask him what his fantasies are and then plan a way to fulfill it. Flirt more with him and don't be afraid to make exciting things happen like falling around in public places. If he's not into any of these things, there may be more serious underlying issues. He needs to communicate this with you. If he loves you and knows you're willing to cheat to get the affection you crave, then he should do something about it. 

Now some questions for you:
1. Has your physical appearance changed much since marriage? Weight gain etc.. Has his?
2. Have you picked up any unhealthy habits like smoking, that might turn him off?
3. Does he frequently complain about things you do or your character?


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## LonelyGuy69 (May 1, 2015)

Cheating always seems the easiest option, you think it will give you what you want, then you'll be happy. but it seems as though everything else in your relationship is fine, so cheating will only lead to guilt.
What I did was wrote down my feelings this gives you time to say how you really feel without it sounding like it's all his fault, ( as that's how he may see it) . Ask him what he'd like to do or try, tell him what you'd like. How it makes you feel that you can't have that intimacy like you use too. 
Does he know you watch porn? This may make him feel inadequate, and so less likely to want to as he might feel your comparing him. Now to you, if you want to orgasm, what could you do to move things along? Have u tried erotic books, or touching yourself in front of him, turning yourself on as part of the foreplay you want. Sometimes it's easy to blame others without looking at what we can do too. Porn lingerie and role play may work for a while, but not all the time. What about massages? Explore each others bodies without the end result bring sex. Take the pressure away and the rest may follow naturally.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
An affair is seeming attractive because you do not have a good sex life at home. I think the best way to fix that attraction is to fix your sex life - if you can.

He as ED - do you think that is a major cause of the problems? He wants to get done quickly before he loses his erection? Are there things he can / will do to please you when he doesn't have an erection?

Or has he just become a lazy lover - and no longer puts in the effort or doesn't care about you?

I think if you can get to the root of why your sex life has declined, maybe you can improve it again.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

capri7204 said:


> I have talked about this with him many times


And, what does he say?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I know this is cliche but stop having sex and start making love. It sounds to me like life (and in his case computer gaming) has gotten between you two. Somehow you need to communicate to him how serious this is. Counseling would be a good move. You both need a reset and some dedicated time to reconnect and focus on each other. Your marriage needs work so fix it. If he doesn't value it enough (or is unable to break a gaming addiction) then you'll have to decide to stay married or not. In any case don't cheat. You're better than that.


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

If you are communicating this to your hubby as clearly as you state it here in your OP, then you guys need to look for counseling that specializes in this area. Stepping outside of your marriage will hurt both of you immensely, and end your marriage. If you take all the necessary steps to get your sex life back on track, and he does not respond - you have an option of divorce. Let him know that. Do not cheat on your husband, its the worst way to go about it.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Recently in the last year I have been taking care of myself, eating healthier and look much better than before. Hubby has gained weight doesnt seem ti care about losing it. 

He has yold me i look great and that hes proud of me. I don't smoke. He doesnt even cone over and hug me or anything when it happens its rare. 

I pkan on talking to him this weekend and having a heart to heart. Hopefully when i kay all the cards in the table hell c just hiw serious this is. I feel like i am just the Mother to his kids and that's all. 

I guess in your situation, you wife doesn't want to change? I appreciate your input and it has got me doing a lot of thinking. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

LonelyGuy69 said:


> Cheating always seems the easiest option, you think it will give you what you want, then you'll be happy. but it seems as though everything else in your relationship is fine, so cheating will only lead to guilt.
> What I did was wrote down my feelings this gives you time to say how you really feel without it sounding like it's all his fault, ( as that's how he may see it) . Ask him what he'd like to do or try, tell him what you'd like. How it makes you feel that you can't have that intimacy like you use too.
> Does he know you watch porn? This may make him feel inadequate, and so less likely to want to as he might feel your comparing him. Now to you, if you want to orgasm, what could you do to move things along? Have u tried erotic books, or touching yourself in front of him, turning yourself on as part of the foreplay you want. Sometimes it's easy to blame others without looking at what we can do too. Porn lingerie and role play may work for a while, but not all the time. What about massages? Explore each others bodies without the end result bring sex. Take the pressure away and the rest may follow naturally.


As for the porn he just says i am a perv in a joking way but doesn't seem to realize tgat we have a problem. As for touchibg myself when were having sex i do because if he does its fir a quick moment not enough to get me reved up. I have told him he needs to touch me more but eventually we're back to square one. Will be talking to him this weekend. Thanks for your input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

chris007 said:


> If you are communicating this to your hubby as clearly as you state it here in your OP, then you guys need to look for counseling that specializes in this area. Stepping outside of your marriage will hurt both of you immensely, and end your marriage. If you take all the necessary steps to get your sex life back on track, and he does not respond - you have an option of divorce. Let him know that. Do not cheat on your husband, its the worst way to go about it.


I will be talking to him and i know we have not worked on this hard enough. I really want to make this work. I do talk to him and when i notice hes slipping back in to his old ways instead of me calling him on it ikeep quiet and it builds . Thanks fir your input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> An affair is seeming attractive because you do not have a good sex life at home. I think the best way to fix that attraction is to fix your sex life - if you can.
> 
> He as ED - do you think that is a major cause of the problems? He wants to get done quickly before he loses his erection? Are there things he can / will do to please you when he doesn't have an erection?
> ...


Yeah i think he's become a lazy lover and he has performance issues but he takes cialis so why cant he relax and allow me some enjoyment too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

There are millions of men that take ED medications and are still able to be spontaneous and have very healthy sex in the marriages and relationships. Most common Cialis works for 72 hours so taking a pill every 3 days, makes every guy ready whenever. Don't use it as an excuse for him. However, some men do have hangups with ED and let it effect their sex lives, in that case a specialized counselor would be needed to get him over the hump. As you seem to know, some guys have a hard time admitting to some of these topics because of the stigma of a guy who cant perform etc etc. Just communicate with him bluntly and directly, and put the ball in his court. Mens and womens communication styles tend to be much different and we often need to be clubbed over the head with the information more so then given hints. Big props to you for reaching out and asking these question, before making a big mistake.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Has he become lazy about doing things for you in general?




capri7204 said:


> Yeah i think he's become a lazy lover and he has performance issues but he takes cialis so why cant he relax and allow me some enjoyment too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Has he become lazy about doing things for you in general?


He is great in all other ways except the sex department. Now he works late hours from 10p-6a mon-fri so it's tough the day shift was harder to handle with the heat in the warehouse.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

chris007 said:


> There are millions of men that take ED medications and are still able to be spontaneous and have very healthy sex in the marriages and relationships. Most common Cialis works for 72 hours so taking a pill every 3 days, makes every guy ready whenever. Don't use it as an excuse for him. However, some men do have hangups with ED and let it effect their sex lives, in that case a specialized counselor would be needed to get him over the hump. As you seem to know, some guys have a hard time admitting to some of these topics because of the stigma of a guy who cant perform etc etc. Just communicate with him bluntly and directly, and put the ball in his court. Mens and womens communication styles tend to be much different and we often need to be clubbed over the head with the information more so then given hints. Big props to you for reaching out and asking these question, before making a big mistake.


I will try to get him to relax and since the cialis is working he needs to not rush anticipation for me is the best part.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this is worth some careful thought. He cares about you, but is selfish about sex. 

Is he feeling inadequate about his ED issues, and just wants to get it over with?

Has he lost interest in sex (drugs, hormones, stress, etc).

Is he not physically attracted to you (not your fault)?

Porn addiction?


The thing is, if he is a nice guy and cares about you, I think its important to figure out why he has become a selfish lover - maybe that will provide a hint on how to make thigns better.







capri7204 said:


> He is great in all other ways except the sex department. Now he works late hours from 10p-6a mon-fri so it's tough the day shift was harder to handle with the heat in the warehouse.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I would definitely have some counseling setup as a back up.. 

I can see him getting defensive. I might even consider talking to a therapist first..

My whole thought process on this is as follows.. 

I have a lot of man pride.. I'm a cop and no one is more of a man than me.. So if I had this issue I could see myself telling you.. What ? you're gonna cheat on me ? Go fvck yourself.. Go cheat and you will see how fast my d!ck will get hard for someone else that isn't complaining..

But if you got me in a room with a therapist and you told me this and I got upset I can see you expressing this is why you're here in this place with me.. Because you don't want to cheat.. Because you do love me and that you will do whatever it takes to fix this.. 

All I'm saying is that having someone in the room would probably calm me down and make me a bit less defensive and more rational..

But I don't know how your hubby is.. But I also wished my Ex wife would have talked to me instead of cheating..


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I would definitely have some counseling setup as a back up..
> 
> I can see him getting defensive. I might even consider talking to a therapist first..
> 
> ...


I think my hubby would be more uncomfortable talking to a therapist before us talking it over. I will suggest sex therapy as well. I had the profile with my pic for 3 days and felt so awful about it and so I deleted everything. I figured I'll bring up the topic one last time and let him know we have a major problem if I almost considered cheating. 

I figured I need to respect myself and some other random guy is not gonna give a **** about me,he's gonna want to have sex and then see ya later. I am a much better person than that and that is why I stepped back and said "Sara, what are your doing? This is not you!" 

I was raised better than that. So I will tackle this obstacle and try everything I can to save my marriage. 15 years is a long time to be with someone and I want to know that I exhausted all possibilities before...resorting to DIVORCE.


Thanks for your words of wisdom!


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> this is worth some careful thought. He cares about you, but is selfish about sex.
> 
> Is he feeling inadequate about his ED issues, and just wants to get it over with?
> ...


I think through the years he's gotten just so laid back about our marriage with the attitude that he doesn't see anything wrong with the marriage. I feel like he just doesn't have to try so hard anymore..the mentality that we're already married and I feel taken for granted sometimes as a wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

His performance is almost certainly related to his health.

After you apprise him of the seriousness of the situation, he needs to make eating better and exercise a priority.

Nothing grabs a man's attention quite like the thought of another man inside his wife.

Make him aware, in no uncertain terms, how dangerous the situation has become.

Don't have a tone containing an ultimatum or threat but instead have tones of pleading and need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> He as ED - do you think that is a major cause of the problems? He wants to get done quickly before he loses his erection?


That's where my money goes.

He's lost his confidence in bed. It sounds like he used to please you. He's worried, feels like he's less of a man. Playing Diablo is place to hide and avoid thinking about it.

You need to reassure him that he's more to you than an erect penis. Hopefully, he can please you without an erection or after it's gone.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Yes that could be. Its easy to have that happen, to start taking your partner for granted. 

This and a declining sex life drag each other into a downward spiral.

I think you can get out of that spiral, but I don't really know how. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.






capri7204 said:


> I think through the years he's gotten just so laid back about our marriage with the attitude that he doesn't see anything wrong with the marriage. I feel like he just doesn't have to try so hard anymore..the mentality that we're already married and I feel taken for granted sometimes as a wife.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Yes that could be. Its easy to have that happen, to start taking your partner for granted.
> 
> This and a declining sex life drag each other into a downward spiral.
> ...


We have to make it work. I know if he wasn't worth it i would not have joined this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> His performance is almost certainly related to his health.
> 
> After you apprise him of the seriousness of the situation, he needs to make eating better and exercise a priority.
> 
> ...


Well if this conversation we are going to have doesn't make him see the light and how serious this is, then nothing will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
One detail. I'd do everything possible to not make this about his ED issues. Its not that he can't satisfy you due to ED, but that you want him to be a good lover in other ways (there are lots).

ED is often the result of stress. If other problems go away, it may just get better on its own. If not, there are various options to think about after the relationship is back on the right track.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> One detail. I'd do everything possible to not make this about his ED issues. Its not that he can't satisfy you due to ED, but that you want him to be a good lover in other ways (there are lots).
> 
> ED is often the result of stress. If other problems go away, it may just get better on its own. If not, there are various options to think about after the relationship is back on the right track.


I'll have to discuss things with him and see if he is still nervous even with the pills. I just told him we needed to talk and he's concerned because he knows when i say that it's usually serious. 

Talking on these forums had helped me a lot and I will use the information i have received from all of you guys to better approach this topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You weren't on one of the recently hacked sites like aashlee maddysun hopefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> You weren't on one of the recently hacked sites like aashlee maddysun hopefully.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

capri7204 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope not my stuff was only on for 3 days then removed everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Uh oh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cantabrigian (Jul 22, 2015)

Just a few questions. Does he focus on his own satisfaction or does he make an effort to satisfy you. 

Does he show any sign of 'it's hard work'

Does he appear to be relaxed 

I've been married for 7 years now. Couple of years ago I too felt somewhat the same way. Then, I told myself that this is not a race. Now instead of doing it on every given opportunity we do it once or twice a week. We wait till kids have gone to school. Shower together and start very slowly. We try to go as slowly as we can and stop the s/o just before we climax. Take a break for a minute and continue. Another thing I noticed is, whenever I try to get a better erection it doesn't achieve the exact result. But if I take that thought off my mind, I'm just fine. We practiced quite well to stop at the right moment so that neither of us climaxes before we have spent enough time making love. Also consider verious positions before going for full penetration. 69 works magic for us.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Cantabrigian said:


> Just a few questions. Does he focus on his own satisfaction or does he make an effort to satisfy you.
> 
> Does he show any sign of 'it's hard work'
> 
> ...


I think that he is so worried about losing his erection that he rushes through everything. He'll touch a little here/a little there but, then he wants to get inside quickly and oftentimes it leaves me with nothing!

Yeah we wait until the kids are in bed. I will be having a conversation with him this weekend so I hope to be able to really begin fixing this mess.


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