# Seperated but love him & want him back



## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

This is going to be long so I apologise but think I need to tell you some background too...

Me & my hubby have been together 11 1/2 years and for the first 8yrs+ it was fantastic, slowly my husbands drinking & drugs began to become a problem and the past 2yrs have been ruled by his addictions and our marriage has taken a huge battering. Just under 6mths ago I reached by breaking point and I asked him to leave, he went off the rails for a few weeks then booked himself into rehab and has stopped the drink & drugs and is doing well with that. 

When he came out of rehab around 3 months ago he begged me for another chance, at the time I was so angry/hurt/scared/upset that I didnt feel like I loved him anymore and just wanted to move on but I agreed to allow him to prove himself and that we could see what happened because he said he loved me so much and didnt want to loose his family or his marriage. I said that I would not commit until I was satisfied he meant what he said and so he put a lot of effort in. We've got 2 children so we were focusing on being parents to them and working through some of the issues and things that had happened before he went into rehab, we spent a little time together but not really as a couple and more as friends... around a month ago I began to feel happier and my feelings for him began to surface again because I was able to forgive him somewhat for what had happened in the past, I didnt tell him as I wanted to be sure that it was what I wanted first. 

A couple of weeks ago he told me he loves me as a person and as the kids mum but something is missing and he cant be with me right now as he needs to stand on his own two feet and prove to himself that he's capable of being responsible for the first time in his life  I'm devastated!!!! I can see the love in his eyes and how he acts around me so I believe that its there but he's just not ready to be in a relationship right now. He said he doesnt know what will happen in the future but right now he wants to be on his own, its frustrating cos of course something is missing as we're not actually together!!

He suffers with mental health problems which he's currently under a psychiatrist for, he's not been diagnosed as yet though. He has trouble with feeling emotions and knowing what they are and tends to be "in his head" a lot thinking about the what ifs and future instead of living in the moment and I think is having a huge impact on how he feels. I'm 100% certain that 3 months ago when he came out of rehab he loved me with all his heart and I cant understand how that love can just disappear?!! He's struggling with the guilt of what he's put me & the kids through during his darkest days of addiction and I wonder if thats having some influence on it all.

I know that I have to let him have this space as otherwise it would have caused problems for us both anyway so I know this had to happen. I'm terrified that he will realise how he feels too late when i've had enough of waiting and moved on, I really do love him and know we can have a good future together but I also know that he has to WANT that too. We have an amazing connection ,we get on so well and make such a good team - I cant just throw that away as I know we have something special that's worth fighting for.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Wow it's quiet on here!!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You don't have to rush. Allow him the time he has asked for. But if he is out of the house then he is out of the house. Don't have sex with him, and if he wants the kids then let him have his own time with them. Don't allow him to be one foot in and one foot out. His time away needs to be just that, time away. 
Have you point blank asked him if he has his eye on another woman? I would, just to cover that base, time outs involve other people in the majority of cases, so it is important to put that on the table and ask. 
You aren't throwing anything away. You are respecting his request for a time out.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Is he still clean and sober?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Indiecat - I have asked him if there's anyone else & he's definite there isn't at the moment and he just needs to be on his own although I think he may be open to someone else of they come along. He claims he doesn't love me in the way that he should and that he loves me as the kids mum & a person but not like he should as a wife  knowing what he's like he could just be suppressing those feelings as he likes the idea of being free more.

I'm broken, hurting so badly  it cuts so deep to know that he doesn't love me anymore. He's my world & I truly believe as could be happy again, it's just that he doesn't want to be.

Pictureless - yes he's clean & sober, he gets tested at the centre he's volunteering at.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Have you point blank asked him if he has his eye on another woman? I would, just to cover that base, time outs involve other people in the majority of cases, so it is important to put that on the table and ask.


It's pointless to ask.

It's not like he's going to say "oh yes, in fact there IS someone else, sorry I forgot to mention it".



Heartbroken84 said:


> Indiecat - I have asked him if there's anyone else & he's definite there isn't at the moment


Cheaters lie.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offence, but very few people will admit to there being someone else when asked. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## layla-belle (Jan 29, 2014)

HI 

ur story is very similar to what is happening to me, me and my husband have separated after 8years as he says he has a drinkin and gambling problem and wants to deal with it on his own I too have asked him is there anyone else he says no for sure I hard to believe but I do I am just giving him his space for the moment


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

It's a difficult thing to face. You are not alone. 

I have a few friends who are divorced. It was hard as hell for them but each one of them is doing good right now and happy. So I know that's possible.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Is it possible that now that he's clean and sober he realized that he doesn't love you?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes maybe he doesn't love me now he's clean, but the way he was when he came out of rehab seemed so very sincere & at the time he was laid bare with all his emotions on show and I find it hard to believe that wasn't his real feelings 

I do believe there is nobody else right now. 

I just can't accept that it's over for good, it hurts way too much he's my world (aside from my kids). I want him back so badly I really would do anything right now. I can't see a way out of this dark place


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Just to add he wants to stay 'best friends' as he misses me, he wants to do family things & said that he feels our "journey together isn't done yet" but for now he couldn't come back as he'd be fooling us both if he did & it wouldn't work....


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hi there HB84

My advice, he is working in himself and apparently doing it sucessfully, then you do the same for you, work in yourself excercise yourself (jog, go to the gym, etc), dress nicely show independance and a strong character, don't take me wrong, am not telling you to play games with him (flirting with other men or someting like that), I am telling you to improve your independant and attractive side (kind of a semi 180).

at the same time let him know clearly that you want him in your life, that you are seeing again the man you felt in love and you want him in your life, that you will give him his space as he wants *but that you will not tolerate him straying from the marriage* (in other words, dating while separated), with this you will let him know clearly that you want him in your life but that you can move on and be on your own if necessary, is just that he is your first choice and that you want to keep building your life with him.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks Manticore. That's what I've been trying to do (except for the odd day when I completely fall apart). 

I've planned a night out with friends & things like that, I feel no better for any of it though but I suppose that's short term. I know I need to focus on myself & my beautiful children but I can't stop thinking of what I can do to win him back, it's stupid I know but it's the way my heads working right now  horrible!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I think Manticore gave you good advice.

Tell him what your wants, needs, and boundaries. Watch his actions, disregard his words. Determine how long you are willing to wait. Then focus on you and prepare for life without him. 

People in love will do anything to save the relationship. People who don't care eat cake and don't change, they want the other person to change.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Some men are not good with reading minds and feelings. 

When he came back, feeling all the love, what was your overall response? Did you have a wall up to protect you and your kids? This is something that I think most people would do.

Did he feel rejected by you? I do think sometimes we are fragile and do have walls built to protect our families. 

I do hope that he knows how you really feel about him. I have been rejected so many times by my wife. So I have started telling her, ok, I get it another rejection. Then we discuss whether it is a rejection or not. She says there is no rejection, but the discussion has at least opened our communication. 

I hope that your H is trying to build his self-esteem after figuring out he does not like his actions. I hope there is no one else involved with him. 

Be clear with your H about your feelings, the walls that you need to build to protect yourself from another disappointment, and the boundaries that you need for the marriage to exist. Sorry that some men are not good at reading minds and need direct communication. 

If your H follows a different path, after the communication, let him know to protect yourself that you will need the 180 to help you heal from your relationship.

Hope for positive things in your future. Do something positive with you and your kids that is fun. Your family needs some happiness in this situation.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Has he been going to NA or AA? I know a good deal of time in these programs they tell people who have gotten treatment that they should not have an serious relationships for at least a year, and to take that time to work on themselves. I am willing to be he still loves you in his own way, but 2 years of drug abuse makes you a different person and now he probably needs to know who he is again sober. I hope it all works out for you!


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Some men are not good with reading minds and feelings


:iagree:


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yes I did build up a wall, he told me to keep him at arms length until he'd proven himself to me that he's a changed man - I suppose I should have told him my feelings for him were coming back, I planned to tell him the day he said he wanted to be on his own. 

He's got very low self esteem & carries a lot of guilt for what he's put me and the kids through, he seems to believe that he doesn't deserve to be loved or have a family because of what he's done in the past. He also has mental health problems which seriously effect his emotions & he tends to have none at times, he's suspected bipolar & under investigation.

He's doing NA & working through his steps, he said he just knows that right now he can't be with me & doesn't feel the love he should for me, he said he cares for me deeply and doesn't want to hurt me but it's something he needs to do - I understand this, I really do. 

I have told him I won't hang around on the sidelines but if he does want to work through some things in the future then I'm willing to consider it, he knows I love him & would love us to build a future together x


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Feeling a little bit more positive today, i'm trying to focus on ME and learn some things about myself and where I went wrong in our marriage - i've been piling the blame on him for so long yet i've now realised I played a big part too, I want to learn from this experience and better myself so that my relationships in the future can be better  if thats with my husband then thats a bonus!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I'm terrified that he will realise how he feels too late when i've had enough of waiting and moved on, I really do love him and know we can have a good future together but I also know that he has to WANT that too.


HB, I have seen this several times on TAM and it still surprises me. Almost to person, people beg to learn how to get through the pain and the hurt.

Well, you have highlighted when the pain and hurt is becoming more bearable and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Think about it, you are saying that after all that has happened to you, you prefer to give up a future of control and happiness to go back to being abused, disrespected and hurt as to not hurt the abuser's feelings?

Choose moving on, if he is meant to see the light, he will.

Stretch


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yeh I've realised that scratch, I was in fear of moving forward as though that meant I would loose him but that's already happened!!!

I've realised that right now & for a long time now he hasn't been my husband and he hasn't made me happy. I deserve better than that! I have also realised how we were both suppressing each other & were fighting for identity, now we can both have that.

It makes me very sad to think that we don't have a future at the end of all this but I'm trying to not think of that right now. I still have major wobbles & days where I feel like I want to die the pain is so intense but I'm also having lots of realisations which is a good thing I think.

We have relate this morning, we agreed to go so we can be the best parents to the kids - it does however mean that we'll have to go through everything & I'll no doubt be a mess later. So watch this space lol


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I have also realised how we were both suppressing each other & were fighting for identity, now we can both have that.


I know how this is - I've never been able to put it in to words before but you've pretty much nailed it here.

My STBXW wanted to change my identity, and I also changed hers.

I've come to learn that if people can't accept you for who you are, then they never will. There should be no conditions on love.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Codependency is a common thing when addiction is involved, I'm working to be "in recovery" of it myself as I've realised that I became addicted to helping & rescuing my husband - we are both addicts just in very different ways. 

Hard to accept but I feel some peace at the knowledge that it doesn't have to be this way.

I have no idea about my marriage & what the future holds  but for now I'm going to detach & focus on my self-esteem and being happy in myself.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Well now the pressure is off we are getting on amazingly well??!! We are both moving forwards & working on ourselves which is positive - we have a business together as well as 2 children so see each other most days.

He's hinted that he doesn't want this to be forever, I think the reality is hitting and he's realising that he does have love for me after all it was just being suppressed and replaced my his resentments. I said that I didn't believe his smoke screen and that I knew he had feelings for me underneath & he just smiled, he doesn't fool me! He wanted to be free & single and now it's dawning on him that it's not as rosy as he first thought - he's still very much suppressing his feelings as he said he feels "sad & upset" when he does think about it but he's doing a 12 step program so will be forced to look at it sooner or later, I think that's why he's delaying too as he knows that realising he does love me would put his new found freedom in jeopardy!! 

I'm staying well back & letting him go through this process on his own, right now it would be insane to be together, we both need to get ourselves into a good place regardless of whether we have a future or not.

I'm feeling good past few days - suppose I've accepted that right now it's over but that's for the best. I'm not thinking about the future lol!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Bad bad day today  so sad & miss him by my side. Life sucks!!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Bad bad day today  so sad & miss him by my side. Life sucks!!


stay strong, and distract yourself, maybe is a good idea to find a recreational hobby, that will help you to distrct yourself in those moments of weaknesss.

as you said there is still hope, and by the way your describe your situation it seems that genuely is a case if improving himslef before getting involved again.

I hope that at this moment you have already clarified him that you are actually waiting for him, because otherwise, he may choose to dettach from you thinking that you want separation.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He knows my intentions & that I want a future for us, just not yet. We are both agreed that we need to be apart for a while to get ourselves where we want to be & move forward ourselves first. I've been very clear that I want us to explore other options before we go for divorce. He's openly admitted he's "sitting on the fence" as he's scared of making the wrong decision.

Since I backed off & have given him space he's initiating a lot of talk about things in general, not so much the future but about our current situation, how we ended up here & how difficult it is for us both etc. Since doing the 180 he seems to have noticed me a little more, he's also asking to spend more time in the family home with us (sleeping on the sofa meaning he spends time with me in the evening) and has asked can we go for a family meal (us & kids) and would I like to join them swimming next week... I'm so insure of how to handle it as I want to spend positive time to show him we are good but I also don't want to be the mug that he's taking advantage of if that makes sense?!! Any advice?

In general I'm doing good & moving forward & I think that's also something he's noticed - I'm no longer a crying wreck & although I do cry when alone I show I'm strong and confident to him. I've also made clear that I know I will be ok without him & can find happiness but I would prefer that to be with him.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

You have to just take baby steps, maybe set some goals short and medium term for him and you.

Days will be tough, but they aren't like before right?

Look at it this way? How many of us get even one chance to make their future the right way after coming up to the precipice? 

Just be sure he's had an epiphany, not a change of stripes that are growing back their color.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He's still very much undecided and is sticking with staying apart for the time being but keeps saying "we dont know what will happen in the future" so its hard to know how to act or deal with things....

I obviously want to give things the best chance of him getting some feelings back or at least the desire to try and work things out but at the same time I dont want to be a mug!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

My gut tells me you do know how to deal with things but just don't want to do it.

I'm discolored because of what happened to me but here you are, great person, getting played like a yo you and you aren't a toy.

Your love should be given to someone that wants it.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Have started a new thread in the hope for more input as this thread seems to get ignored 

I really am undecided to be honest, I can see how the time together is having a positive affect on his attitude albeit slowly but at the same time I'm not sure if that would be the case without me agreeing to doing things all together... argh so confused!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I think it the words of so many here you are Plan B. He's trying to decide if you are Plan A.

I think more of you than that.

To me Love, real love, isn't grey. It isn't hurting the one you love, it isn't toying, it's isn't a game.

If you want him back, consider a marriage contract. Good info here, not professionally done but I like some of the things on the site. At the bottom of this is a marriage contract.

I do think, with kids, you do all you can to save the marriage but don't lose yourself forever to do it.

Free Divorce Support for MEN - Pre-Divorce:ATTEMPTING TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I think it the words of so many here you are Plan B. He's trying to decide if you are Plan A.
> 
> I think more of you than that.
> 
> ...


Its difficult because right now I absolutely agree we cant be together, I don't want to be with him either so its not just a one sided things... we both ended up lost because of addiction and its time we both found our identities and figured out what we want from life, so although whats happened isn't ideal I do believe it HAD to happen for us to move forward and out of the toxic cycle that we were in. We both neglected ourselves and our marriage, I can see in my H that he's so exhausted from it all and has just shut down. I dont believe he's done any of this to hurt me or string me along, I think he's done this because it was the only way to move forward from the situation we were in... does that make any sense?? haha.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I won't give him that big of break. People make choices. If they are good people, they consider how those choices affect more than just themselves.

Let me ask you this.

I don't know what your ultimate man is and no promises about you finding him.

But let's say you had a choice. Your husband behind door #1 or a man that has the behaviors and characteristics you would marry at some point down the road behind door #2. Imagine that man in your life, your bed, with your kids, your family.

I think you might have your answer.

For me I can imagine a woman that is caring, kind, affectionate, supportive, has a good career, intelligence and high emotional IQ. She doesn't have to be a 10, but attractive with intelligence and a sense of humor that shows in her eyes. A woman that makes me melt with her beauty inside as much as outside.

I think of that compared to my STBXW and I know a better life is out there.

But it's a choice I wasn't given. My STBXW has been a nightmare blitzkrieg psychopath from the moment I got the ILYBNILWY speech.

I have to work on me so that when I am in a good place God can put the right woman with I and my children well down the road.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I won't give him that big of break. People make choices. If they are good people, they consider how those choices affect more than just themselves.
> 
> Let me ask you this.
> 
> ...


I understand what your saying, I really do and its something i've thought about a lot but I really do think that I'd choose my husband... just not right now as neither of us are fit for a relationship at this time but I know that if he continues working on himself and I do too we could come back together and be stronger than ever. Maybe i'll change my mind as time passes, I really dont know? We had such an amazing relationship for 8yrs until addiction struck and destroyed it 

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with your STBXW, sounds like you've been through hell  I'm sure that woman you are hoping for will walk into your life when the time is right.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LBHmidwest said:


> I won't give him that big of break. People make choices. If they are good people, they consider how those choices affect more than just themselves.
> 
> Let me ask you this.
> 
> ...


It's nice to think about "that man" behind door #2.

But, I've been "that man"

If your kids won't accept "that man", what do you do about it?

Life gets complicated.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Not about me, shouldn't have went there.

Sounds like you have your answer.

To me then you have to start being married soon, contract, counseling, drug testing, you name it. Either you get busy being married or being single.

This time stuff is bull, just my opinion. Rarely do breaks that keep going and going work out.

Your kids deserve both of you. Plus you both took very serious vows, start living them if he's your man.

Hope I'm not coming off as a jerk, don't mean to be.

If you have love, work at it now. Not down the road. If he won't, don't wait for him.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> Not about me, shouldn't have went there.
> 
> Sounds like you have your answer.
> 
> ...


I decided that i'd give him another month of time/space, i'd carry on doing the 180 and then in a months time i'll make a full decision on whether I move on without him or what - if he's still unable to make a decision on what he wants then I'm not waiting around... I havent told him this, i'm giving the impression that i'm moving on regardless but I do want to just give that little bit longer for him to process whats going on and have the chance to think about things.

We have been given some stuff to do by relate (marriage counseling) to open up communication and try to see each others positives plus he's got some work to do on his resentments (12 step program) so hopefully by our next appointment i'll be able to ask him where he's at with everything and get an idea of how to move forwards myself, least that way i'll have the counselor there to ensure we dont end up in conflict either.

Does that sound like a plan? In the meantime I'm going to keep "family time" to a minimum but maybe do a few bits together for the kids sake.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'd ask your counselor. I'd probably tell him in one month either he's in or out but your are going forward. More than fair. MORE


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I'd ask your counselor. I'd probably tell him in one month either he's in or out but your are going forward. More than fair. MORE


Dont get me wrong i'm moving myself forwards every day, working on my own issues and finding happiness within myself... I just mean how we move forwards in our marriage, or not as the case may be!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sure the children want you to do things as a family. Children want their parents together. But you give them false hope when you do that. It's better to keep things separate until you know for sure whether you are reconciling.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Sure the children want you to do things as a family. Children want their parents together. But you give them false hope when you do that. It's better to keep things separate until you know for sure whether you are reconciling.



Ok no problem, I've already promised a few things but after that I'll say no to H & just do things separately. Need to be strong & do this!!


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