# M



## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're still keeping tabs on your ex. You have to see how this comes across to your husband. You know, the bit about forsaking all others and cleaving unto your husband? Yeah, that bit. Fakebook isn't worth upsetting your husband and engendering distrust. Block all former boyfriends.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

I get that and they have all been blocked.since like 2012 .what I am saying is that I was still following the wife an ex. I have now deleted her . I just dont agree with him saying I was stalking my ex because of that . simply because I wasn’t stalking anyone. I would like picture I saw on my time line. I just need to know what I could do to help him understand that. I do t have a problem with not following whom ever. i’m I wrong for following the wife? I wasn’t intentionally trying to keep tabs like they weren’t even together the entire time I followed her cuz she had another kid with some then they eventually got married. but I just felt like that was hs stuff. I just didn’t care about it any more. on top of being 7 hours away from these ppl.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Were you friends with the wife before she got together with your ex?


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

lle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No prior history equates to you keeping tabs on the ex. That may not have been your intent but you can't deny the optics. Don't try to convince your husband otherwise. Actions will speak volumes to him.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lc92 said:


> I get that and they have all been blocked.since like 2012 .what I am saying is that I was still following the wife an ex. I have now deleted her . I just dont agree with him saying I was stalking my ex because of that . simply because I wasn’t stalking anyone. I would like picture I saw on my time line. I just need to know what I could do to help him understand that. I do t have a problem with not following whom ever. i’m I wrong for following the wife? I wasn’t intentionally trying to keep tabs like they weren’t even together the entire time I followed her cuz she had another kid with some then they eventually got married. but I just felt like that was hs stuff. I just didn’t care about it any more. on top of being 7 hours away from these ppl.


I would say that you were playing with fire. I've been reading up on many of the threads, where the woman has been unfaithful. In many of them, the woman is friends with am ex and something happens to the ex and the woman goes to sympathize and, before the end, she slept with him.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Lc92 said:


> I really just don’t know what actions I could actually show him.


Getting rid of FB would be your best start


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lc92 said:


> I really just don’t know what actions I could actually show him.


 You did the right thing to block them. Can you erase them? Can you do that on Facebook?
Jusf guard the marriage and trust will be built up again.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you've blocked everyone, he won't see you interacting and that will show him that he is #1. Don't make a big deal out of it and never accuse him of trying to control you over this.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lc92 said:


> I want to get rid of fb but my husband just said that an easy way out


Get rid of it anyway.
I don't know why a husband would tell you to not bother when that was a pathway to potentially being unfaithful.

Maybe shut down your page and start a new one with a new name, one that can't be found by any exes. Many of us on Facebook use fake names and only invite those we want.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Since you've blocked everyone, he won't see you interacting and that will show him that he is #1. Don't make a big deal out of it and never accuse him of trying to control you over this.


I am trying it’s just so hard when he is like I wanna move forward on day then the next he is like I hate ur guts. basically. but I am trying. thanks for your insight


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If he is actually telling you that he hates you, he needs to cut that out.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lc92 said:


> I really just don’t know what actions I could actually show him.


Have you tried asking him what he needs from you? Does he have full access to all of your devices?

He may need help (therapy) moving past this.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He sounds like a paranoid controlling person to me... good luck with that.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

Honestly? I see a TON of red flags here with this.

9 years ago you had a conversation that wasn’t maybe a great idea. But you have 5 kids, no local family or friends…and he is monitoring every interaction on social media?

He sounds controlling and insecure and immature.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Social media has been the bane of many a marriage since it's inception.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Social media has been the bane of many a marriage since it's inception.


Nope.

The problem isn’t social media…the problem is the people in the relationships. You don’t blame the stove for burning dinner…it’s the cook that was using the stove.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

DinoMom said:


> Honestly? I see a TON of red flags here with this.
> 
> 9 years ago you had a conversation that wasn’t maybe a great idea. But you have 5 kids, no local family or friends…and he is monitoring every interaction on social media?
> 
> He sounds controlling and insecure and immature.


The reddest flag is that she has 5 kids, and seems to be ‘stuck’ in high school. And there’s a mature adult maybe reminding her of this, who happens to be her husband. 

Meet some of the parents of your kids’ friends? 

Yes it’s drama, yes it’s stalking. You graduated a long time ago, who cares anymore what the problems were between you and the ex boyf were. 

Is the wife pretty?


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> The reddest flag is that she has 5 kids, and seems to be ‘stuck’ in high school. And there’s a mature adult maybe reminding her of this, who happens to be her husband.
> 
> Meet some of the parents of your kids’ friends?
> 
> ...


I wouldn’t call a man paying attention to every detail of his wife’s online interactions “mature”.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

DinoMom said:


> I wouldn’t call a man paying attention to every detail of his wife’s online interactions “mature”.


That would depend. If I hadn't paid attention my XW would still be here, so there's that.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> That would depend. If I hadn't paid attention my XW would still be here, so there's that.


I am sorry to hear that. I trust my husband entirely and he’s never given me a reason not to and vice versa. 

but let’s not pretend that it is “normal” or healthy for a woman to have 5 children and no local family or friends for support…and then have her husband monitoring her every interaction on social media and criticizing it because of an incident from 9+ years ago.

that is controlling behavior and I’m sure very different than your situation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> He sounds like a paranoid controlling person to me... good luck with that.


She would appear to be testing the waters and keeping unhealthy contact with exes to me.

If this had started up many years into a solid marriage, maybe enough trust would have been established.

She was doing this from the early point in her marriage and continued for years.

It was an obvious thorn in her husband's side and, though it might have been a mole hill to start......

I'm not paranoid or controlling but can see his point.

They could use some tools to work through it however because snapping and telling her he hates her isn't going to promote a healthy relationship.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lc92 said:


> I don’t know if he does monitor and I really don’t know what triggered him to find this specific person on my friends list and go through our interactions either.Like when he brought it up to me I was not expecting it at all. we had just graduated with our masters together!


When you like a post, that may show up in his FB notifications sometimes. So he may not been actively looking and had an unwelcome surprise.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DinoMom said:


> I wouldn’t call a man paying attention to every detail of his wife’s online interactions “mature”.


You're painting your own picture which isn't reality.

Her husband found interactions with exes that she has been engaging with for the length of her marriage.

He has not been vague about his boundaries from the start and she kept crossing them.

The point isn't your relationship. That's your business with your boundaries.

This is about her marriage and their boundaries.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

DinoMom said:


> Nope.
> 
> The problem isn’t social media…the problem is the people in the relationships. You don’t blame the stove for burning dinner…it’s the cook that was using the stove.


While maybe not solely to blame, social media has certainly broadened the horizons for anyone wanting to cheat.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Lc92 , have you considered getting a marriage building book and going through it with your husband?

It sounds like you could both use better communication tools and there are several books that help couples grow in that area.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lc92 said:


> My husband and I got married in 2011. I was 19 and he was 23 we had twin boys that were 3months at the time. My husband and I have had our share of trials,however it’s one thing that he just cannot let go. in early 2012 I reached out to an ex bf from hs that didn’t work out we were better off as just friends we dated like 3months maybe.our conversation wasn’t inappropriate as in what we were saying to each and I never had any intentions of anything inappropriate. I was venting about somthing i was going through . I was19 newly married and just had twin boys, and my husband and I had our issues ingeneral. Move forward I commented on another ex photo like “who do you think you are” my husband flipped so in turn I had to block both of them which I had no problem doing. Also in 2012it was a message of me asking if my ex bf and his now wife live together(i know i was being nosey) imbut i now 2021 I was still following my ex bf wife. my husband believes that I have been “stalking” my ex our entire marriage . I have not been with that BOY in over 12 years . and I never had any intentions on going back to him. my husbband doesn’t like the fact that I”loved vs “liked” the birthday post my ex bf#2 wife posted and the fact that I told them “happy anniversary “. I just want to know am I wrong? I really wasn’t trying to disrespect our marriage. I personally don’t know a lot of ppl and I tend gravitate toward ppl I can relate too.we we’re both teen mothers etc. the communication me and my ex bf wife have had was about pregnancy related stuff or kids stuff. I have had my facebook page since 2006 . I just don’t know what to do because my husband says i’m not being accountable. but he wants me to say that I was stalking my ex and I was not. it’s facebook.


When you commented on your problems (even though you were 19) you shared an emotional intimacy with with another man, and one you had a relationship with in the past. You husband seems to be emotionally intelligent enough to wisely identify this as a potential threat to him and your marriage because of that intimacy. It's also a threat to YOU. Honestly though innocent in your mind, he is not wrong in the sense that very well meaning people almost fall into catching feelings because they don't understand that many affairs start by doing just that, sharing emotional intimacies. Often because they are not comfortable (for whatever reason) doing that with their spouse. Your husband may not have explained this to you effectively but again, he is not wrong. He covets that emotional part of you. What he wants from you is for you to understand that and make a commitment to police yourself.

Listen I don't believe there is any malice in what you are doing, but I suggest you go read some affair stories from people who cheated here and on other sites, very often these people start off as people just lonely and not looking to cheat. Even if you don't ever cheat you don't want to be in a position to catch feelings because then you will have to fight against them to keep your honor. That is very hard and often painful thing to do. So you want to guard who you are intimate with.

Maybe you were not stalking this guy, but you did share an intimacy by discussing your feelings (particularly disappointments or struggles about your life at the time) with him. That is a very risky thing to do, _with someone who you have the potential to be a mate with_, when you are married, even if it's innocent. Plus maybe your husband wants to be that person in your life. You need to understand that perspective. Honestly you put that detail in your post so you already know it was not a wise thing to do.

I think if you do that, if you read some stories, you may have a different perspective, and if you can communicate that you understand that perspective your husband might not be so guarded about this.

Besides all that, this is your marriage, the father of your kids, I think you should step back and really think about what is important to your life and your future? Is this really worth causing a strain on those things? I bet your husband is picking up on your priorities and that just reinforces his concerns.

As far as his wife, please stop, it's 2021, we all know it's very easy to find a community of young mothers online, I mean come on! You know this too. Took me 2 seconds to fine this. Your husband knows this as well, he doesn't seem dumb. Are you sure your motives are as pure as you think? All of these things together are probably causing your husband to be concerned.

He is protecting his investment and he is strong enough, loves you and his marriage enough to confront you about it, that is not wrong. I personally think that makes him a good man, good father and a good partner to you. How he goes about it may be a problem but if he is not yelling and screaming but I think he has a valid point.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You both should read and discuss:  "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. Human beings are hot wired to bond physically and emotionally with others. This book is not just based on the author's opinion. It's based on research of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity and what they could have done to reduce the risk of cheating. 

Informing your husband what you learned and will do going forward should go a long way towards rebuilding his trust. btw: the book's suggestions apply to him too.


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s controlling….,,,., what is he controlling? So far the only info showing he’s controlling is he’s only wanting to monitor her fb because in the past, she’s been contacting an ex. She is in denial of her reasons for blocking the ex AND THEN befriending the ex’s WiFE. She’s keeping tabs and her husband is feeling she’s an unsafe partner and OP pretends not to know why!!!!

OP—- are you a stay at home mom?


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## Lc92 (Nov 6, 2021)

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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

DinoMom said:


> Nope.
> 
> The problem isn’t social media…the problem is the people in the relationships. You don’t blame the stove for burning dinner…it’s the cook that was using the stove.


It's not a very good analogy. 

Stoves are not emotionally addictive. Social media is closer to the alcohol / gambling / porn availability. If OP is "into it", to the point of valuing social media friends over her IRL partner's priorities, it becomes an issue. This doesn't seem to be the case here though, as she willingly gave up some online connections when asked. 


OP, sounds to me like a combination of unreasonable reactions from your H, and a bit of the above, which you seem to be open enough to accept responsibility for and make corrections. Good for you. 

Be careful sharing private issues with a man outside of your marriage, who isn't a professional. A potential slippery slope to an emotional affair. 

FB friends - > more than friends, just not worth it. Not worth much at all.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

DinoMom said:


> Nope.
> 
> The problem isn’t social media…the problem is the people in the relationships. You don’t blame the stove for burning dinner…it’s the cook that was using the stove.


Eh...sometimes the stove is broken.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

DinoMom said:


> I wouldn’t call a man paying attention to every detail of his wife’s online interactions “mature”.


Except for the fact he found something.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lc92 said:


> I agree and understand completely with what u are saying and my husband. I think i’m just at the point of like how to move forward. I have expressed my perspective and I have told him how I agree with him… and I know it’s 2021 as what u can and cannot find . but in 2021 I haven been following my ex boyfriends it’s been year. I was just following the wife. I really just never deleted her or a lot of other ppl I knew in hs. and if me and her did have any type of interaction it was regular and public . I know it’s my marriage and I just feel like at a certain point in your life you grow to a certain maturity. obviously , there are layers to every relation ship. and I know I may seem like i’m crazy or naive.


you say that this was just you innocently following some people from your past but it doesn’t ring true. What happened 11 years ago when you were newly married with 3 month old twins was heading in a bad direction. Luckily your husband derailed it before it went anywhere but I think your lying to yourself that you weren’t looking for more.

There’s something about you still referring to him as your ex-boyfriend when it was just a 2 month long relationship, that rubs me the wrong way and I’m just an Internet stranger. This person should be a distant barely rememberable person in your past but he’s still coming up. If you only knew the number of affairs that started just like the path that you were on, you would have more empathy for your husband’s feelings. He is just being protective of the family.

Right now we have a thread of a WW who doesn’t want to come home because she’s with a new guy. She left her husband and their 3 & 6 year to be with a married guy who is 15 years older than her. That could have been you when you were 19. Tired of the stress of married life and motherhood to twins. Oh, so and so gets me. That’s what @sokillme meant about catching feelings. It happens so fast.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Lc92 said:


> I want to get rid of fb but my husband just said that an easy way out


No it's an intelligent solution.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lc92 said:


> I want to get rid of fb but my husband just said that an easy way out


Do it anyway. Nobody should be on facebook. It's designed to send you insane.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lc92 said:


> I agree and understand completely with what u are saying and my husband. I think i’m just at the point of like how to move forward. I have expressed my perspective and I have told him how I agree with him… and I know it’s 2021 as what u can and cannot find . but in 2021 I haven been following my ex boyfriends it’s been year. I was just following the wife. I really just never deleted her or a lot of other ppl I knew in hs. and if me and her did have any type of interaction it was regular and public . I know it’s my marriage and I just feel like at a certain point in your life you grow to a certain maturity. obviously , there are layers to every relation ship. and I know I may seem like i’m crazy or naive.


I suspect he thinks you were friends with her to keep tabs on this dude. Maybe he is wrong, but it is a reasonable assumptions. So just disconnect from them, no big deal. If it comes up again at least you can say - "I haven't been in contact with them since whenever, I understand why it made you uncomfortable and I should have never let it get that far. So I just disconnected because I didn't want my husband to worry about that". Again then leave it at that. If he still gives you a hard time ask him what else you could do. He should be good at that point. If he is not come back here. But for now just disconnect and give it some time, this may not happen over night, but you will be on the right track.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘I want to get rid of fb’ Spoken like a true addict. 

It’s always ‘I want to I need to’, and it’s never ‘I’ve stopped’. 

‘My marriage is in crisis and I want to stop doing drugs, I know I’ve got a problem’

‘My wife wants to leave me, I’m going to stop the Dope, I’m going to make an appt to see a counsellor’

‘My wife has left. I know I need to stop flirting when we’re out, I love her though and it means nothing, she says she’s not coming back’.

This has been going on for more than a decade. She’s forsaking her marriage, kids, and AN ACTUAL SOCIAL LIFE to follow someone from high school. She is ‘pestered’ into stopping that… she then follows the wife. 

Somebody slap me for even reading this far and responding. Yes. 🤦🏻 Or at least the husband. Who had 5 kids with her. I hope he wakes up too and just lets her have her fb, but without him in the picture.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DinoMom said:


> her husband monitoring her every interaction on social media .


Is he doing that though? Because I can't see it.



Lc92 said:


> I was just following the wife.


Come on honey, she gives you access to your ex's world, at least admit that.

I don't think you're a bad person, wife or mum. Nor do I think you had bad intentions. I also strongly disagree with others who label your husband as controlling for having an issue with this. If you read the book recommended above 'Not Just Friends', you'll learn a lot - I did, I had no reason to read it, but lots of people here recommend it to people so I bought it. I love learning and I got a lot out of it. Many people - good people - put their marriages at risk without even realising, and find themselves in affairs that neither party ever intended to start. 

After reading yet another thread here on TAM about a cheating spouse who started cheating with an ex after "reconnecting on FB", I spoke to my husband and asked if we could both agree to not ever have any of our exes on our social media. He agreed. I didn't have any, but he had an old HS girlfriend and he deleted her.

Husbands and wives should be able to look at each others phones/computers/social media any time they like. There should be no secret passwords or other secret behaviour.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@MattMatt ,the OP has deleted all of her posts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Due to the fact that the OP has gutted their posts, this thread is now closed to further replies.*


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