# Can I really change my relationship just by changing myself?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm the only one I can control.
I'm trying SO HARD to be calm, uncritical, supportive, use the "imago" strategies we're being trained in by our therapist, and my husband is so inconsistent with it.
When we need these strategies the most, he does the complete opposite: blames, criticizes, gets nasty.
I try to get him to use these strategies in those moments. He basically either refuses, or uses them counterproductively (sarcastically, snidely, negatively).
So I'm trying something new. I'm TRYING to not engage when I feel he's being unfair, refusing to use any of the skills we're learning, when he's blaming me, etc.
It's exactly the opposite of what he expects me to do. Which is why it might just work.
Tonight when he was snappy, blaming, refusing to see my point of view, not letting me express my feelings, I simply said, "I love you. I know you're stressed and frustrated with all the work and things that are on your plate. I'm here to be a support to you. We're in this together. I love you. Good night."
(We were on the phone, as I'm out of town; made it a lot easier) 
Basically my question is this:
DOES IT WORK??? At this point, I swear to God I'm the only one between the two of us really trying. But we are in therapy. We go in 2 days for our 5th session. 
*Has anyone here seen positive changes happen in their marriage because THEY changed their own behaviors, and this led to both parties making the necessary changes? How?*
I'm hoping and praying maybe that if I stay calm and rational, and he's the only one ranting, snapping, being generally pissy, it will, I don't know...leave him there with no one but himself to see in the company of these feelings? Then maybe, just MAYBE, he'll look inside himSELF at what else is behind these feelings? 
This is my quiet little faith. 
Anyone have any experience with this?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm the only one I can control.
> I'm trying SO HARD to be calm, uncritical, supportive, use the "imago" strategies we're being trained in by our therapist, and my husband is so inconsistent with it.
> When we need these strategies the most, he does the complete opposite: blames, criticizes, gets nasty.
> I try to get him to use these strategies in those moments. He basically either refuses, or uses them counterproductively (sarcastically, snidely, negatively).
> ...


I'd tell you yes but it depends on what kind of men. Pls understand some men just love you to fxxx their brains off before they become more positive. Their love and understanding are all connected to their "second heads". When their second heads are happy, they agree with everything you want. So if your husband is being negative. It's possible his second head is frustrated. Sad but true!
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Sorry, I know what you've been through... in fact men are simple creatures. Women want many things from men when men just want sex from women first and talk later, so when you make his second head happier, you'll get a happier response from him. Carrot and stick? LOL I don't know...  did you ever try "second head strategy"? It's weird, I know.
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

this is not about sex. 
what im saying is that we have serious communication breakdowns and sometiems he treats me with disrespect and cannot own his part in a conflict or breakdown. if he's stressed or frustrated, he's more likely to project it onto me than look inward.
it has nothing to do with sex.


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I think you can start by changing yourself, it is not a guarantee that the realtionship will change, it takes two to tango, however there has to be a starting point and someone to take the initiative. And maybe if you make a step he will follow with another little step and so on and so forth....
Good luck and all the best, keep believing in yourself and your husband!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

One thing to remember is that these are good changes for you regardless of how your husband reacts.


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## nolongerlonely (Oct 20, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm the only one I can control.
> I'm trying SO HARD to be calm, uncritical, supportive, use the "imago" strategies we're being trained in by our therapist, and my husband is so inconsistent with it.
> When we need these strategies the most, he does the complete opposite: blames, criticizes, gets nasty.
> I try to get him to use these strategies in those moments. He basically either refuses, or uses them counterproductively (sarcastically, snidely, negatively).
> ...



HI! I have also had experience with this, and OH MY GOODNESS it is so confusing. You obviously seem to be trying so incredibly hard to make the relationship work. Good for you. It's hard to be the rational one sometimes!!

I truly believe there are answers to your problem, because I've found them myself! You are talking to a yoga instructor who too hadto stay "calm and rational" to save a relationship that was suffering because of my partners behaviour.

I highly recommend this book : Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice

It makes everything become really clear and will give you some hope and well articulated advice on how to handle your situation. I used to read it in the tub on my laptop (on the side of the tub, so I don't zap myself!) and I learned alot from it that I should have looked at a long time ago. 

All the best to you and yours! :smthumbup:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

thanks for the advice.
i'm so sick of the patterns and of trying to implement teh strategies from therapy, and him refusing to.
i'm trying to take specifically different approaches in certain situations, and hoping that if i do, he will too.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Here are the changes I'm implementing. From the way I see it, it *is* having a positive effect, but my husband seems to be in denial about it. Doesn't matter; it makes me feel stronger:

I didn't like when he snapped at me on the phone and took out his stressed emotions on me. Months ago, I would've bitten back. Now I say to myself "He's in a mood and in no position to communicate fairly." and I stepped away.
How did HE respond to this?
He apologized, in due time. Months ago, I would've pushed for an apology. I didn't. 
He showed up at the airport with flowers. I haven't seen flowers in a long time. It was sweet and thoughtful.
But he told me he didn't like my distance, that I "wasn't being myself." D*** right, I wasn't. "Being myself" means being open, sharing, loving. If he likes it when I'm "myself," then he needs to be nice and respectful to me to not chase that person away. Not SCARE that person away. I wasn't going to fake it, but I also wasn't going to bite back. I had nothing nice to say, so I said nothing at all for awhile.
Mind you, I'm not playing games---I verbalized some of this to him in therapy last night. But with him, often it doesn't matter what I say---it's what I do. He pushed me away with his mean attitude, so I disengaged. I didn't take it personally, but I also didn't tolerate it. 
No, I don't love this dynamic, but it's better than fighting. I'm sending him a message: I prefer NOT to fight with him and NOT to engage when he's being unfair.
I want to have free and open communication. We're not there yet.
Therapy last night was challenging for both of us.
I told him I felt scared of certain behaviors he does when he's frustrated. Instead of showing empathy, he got defensive and it really didn't appear to matter to him what I said.
That has to change. 
He did say he doesn't want me to feel intimidated or scared when he is frustrated. He did say he recognizes certain things he does come across as intimidating--I'm glad for that.
Our therapist recommended he work on 2 goals: becoming more mindful of his stress inside himself and not projecting it onto me, AND having empathy. 
I know it takes two, but I feel like I do double the emotional work and he just wants to give up, he doesn't want to have to do any work. 
I'm backing off and doing only what is in MY realm and responsibility to DO. I refuse to bear the brunt or responsibility of HIS emotions as well as my own.
Doesn't want to have to control or improve his communication skills.
Well, too bad. He needs to.
But I'm not going to push him to; I'm here to do my side of it, and increase MY own patience for when he is capable of doing HIS side.
And to hope.
I'm trying to stay present and move forward, because when I go into the past, there is no hope and it's just depressing.


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## quirky_girl (Aug 5, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> One thing to remember is that these are good changes for you regardless of how your husband reacts.


very good point. i have found that when i do things and speak for myself...not wanting to get any type of reaction from my husband...i feel better. when i am dependent on my husband for my happiness and good mood, i will always be sad. i've had to learn to lower my expectations of what i want from my husband because i only get hurt, not him, when he fails. be your own person and live your life to its fullest, he is certainly doing what he wants to without concern for your feelings. after you start becoming more independent and not reactive to his bs, he will feel that gap between you and try to fill it (as you described with the gift of flowers). its impossibly crazy how people always want what they don't have, and take for granted what they do have...

best of luck and happiness to you both


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you, that was very helpful!
Last week and this week I'm giving him lots of space (I'm out of town for the 2nd week in a row), and im hoping it'll be good for us in some way...
Whether to show him I can and will take care of myself and not depend completely on him, gives me a chance to actually take care of myself and really do that, or both...
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Btw...i'm out of town for work and family reasons, not because of our issues.
It's just a coincidence that we happen to need some space right now.
Quirky girl, I hope that what I continue to do that's making me stronger, continues to have the same positive effect on our relationship, in the way you were saying it could.
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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> One thing to remember is that these are good changes for you regardless of how your husband reacts.


Though embarrassed to agree with "nice...guy" what he says here is correct. As one counselor said to me, you should only make changes you think are good *for you*, and he was right--some of the things my wife complained about I *do* need to, and am working very hard on, change and changing.

But that said, in my case, she really doesn't seem to give a damn. She's not willing to consider that some of the things she wants me to change are unreasonable, or that she might need to make accommodations to me, too. Most of all she refuses to recognize that I'm working on anything at all; my efforts are to her almost completely invisible. Really, what she's doing is avoiding putting work into the marriage. That's not something I can make her wake up to. It's not fair, and I think it's childish and naive and immature, but that's beyond my control. She'll either learn to hold up her end or not, and she'll have to deal with the consequences in this marriage or another, regardless of me.

I think it's a bad sign that you are working on it and your partner is not.

Now, I'm only seeing one side of the story here--for all I know you may be asking things from your husband that aren't fair--but it sounds like your intentions are honest, if your efforts are for your sake. If OTOH you're trying to change yourself to change someone else, that's passive-aggressive manipulation.

It takes two to tango. Only make changes you think will help you. Because it's quite likely it's not going to save your relationship. Those "changes" your partner wants you to make--they actually may not care at all. After all, you implied that you want your husband to try harder himself, and he doesn't seem interested in it. Is it childish and unfair? Of course it is. Does it create an unequal relationship? Most certainly. That's why you need to change for your sake, because the problem might not really be you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> *Has anyone here seen positive changes happen in their marriage because THEY changed their own behaviors, and this led to both parties making the necessary changes? How?*
> 
> Yes... BUT. First let me say that I have no idea what Imago is. Around here it is the name of a sex toy store! But it sounds good from the little I have seen from you!
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I do need to be fair and say that my husband is not 100% "NOT trying" or NOT participating...
It is in the moments when we need calm, empathic, open communication the most---moments of tension and stress---that he has a harder time with it. Those are the moments when I feel like I'm trying harder to connect, and he gives up.
And yes, those changes will help me--it is an act of self-protection when I disengage from an increasingly tenuous conversation; I don't want to deal with his words when he gets upset and becomes careless with them.
But the fact that he's even in therapy with me at all must show some effort on his part. 
vthomeschoolmom, what you're saying sounds like giving love and eventually love comes to you in kind. Bending over backward to see things from his point of view, giving him what he asks for within reason...I can try that. For example, he's told me: "If you sense or see my frustration rising, please take a cue and give me some space" (not always in such kind language). Well, even if that's hard for me and even if I disagree or think he "shouldn't" be so frustrated so quickly, why not just simply DO that for him...I might as well give it a try and trust that he'll appreciate it.
Yes, I'm hoping he'll make some changes too...but logic would say that if "our" current patterns aren't healthy, then maybe if I do something about the part I can control, then it can influence our overall dynamic...instead of just pointing the finger at him.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Despite me being exceptionally pissed off right now because of an argument, yes, changing my own behavior and the way i say things (communicate) has had a great impact on my relationship. It's much better than when we started out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Nekko, if you can tell me that even when you're pissed off about an argument, I appreciate it even more! 
The next time I'm uber-pissed at my hubs, I'll remember that it is possible!
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm the only one I can control.
> I'm trying SO HARD to be calm, uncritical, supportive, use the "imago" strategies we're being trained in by our therapist, and my husband is so inconsistent with it.
> When we need these strategies the most, he does the complete opposite: blames, criticizes, gets nasty.
> I try to get him to use these strategies in those moments. He basically either refuses, or uses them counterproductively (sarcastically, snidely, negatively).
> ...


Yes.

You will need to quit owning his failures.

This is quite a bit more difficult than it sounds, because it will require you to go deep within yourself.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad, if he fails, and I don't take ownership of it, in that moment, what does that look like?
It's a semi-rhetorical question. Really, it means: how?
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