# Husband and mom problems



## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

Hi...sorry if this is an old topic (I'm sure I'm not the first) but I'm new here and still trying to navigate. 

To make a long story short, the title says it all. My mom, who I am extremely close with, and husband have been at odds with each other for years now. They both compete for my attention (immature), are both used to getting their way (selfish) and each want me on their side (which I refuse to do b/c they're both ridiculous). There are times I can side with one over the other b/c I feel they're right but it's mostly just bickering and mudslinging.

Forgive me for saying so, but I know my husband can be a real bastard at times. It's an unfortunate side effect of the way he was raised. He makes hurtful comments, is rude and acts like a child when he doesn't "get his way". The funny thing of it is he only does this when he has an audience - family, friends, etc. When it's just us? HE WOULDN'T DARE!! I've called him out on this several times, but it never seems to change. The things he says often embarrass me and I know it upsets my mother...

Now onto my second problem child. My mom takes everything so damn personally not to mention she treats me like I'm some delicate, helpless creature that my husband should adore and worship and care for as if I can't be responsible for my own actions. Sure, I believe in chivalry, but she expects us to have this 1950's dichotomy and that just is not the way we operate. One instance: she seems him as less of a man if I have to go back to work once we have a baby. NEWSFLASH! I WANT to work, and we don't live in a part of the country where it's easy to live on one salary. She recently let the floodgates go on how much she dislikes him which obviously, is a lot for me to take in (even though I already knew).

So here's my dilemma: I'm sick and tired and exhausted of being in the middle of their bull****. They both have valid points at times but more often then not are just being completely out of line. However, on the brink of buying our first house + trying to have a baby, I really don't want to just let it go. I want to try and make it work for our future relationship(s). My husband doesn't care to and my mom is just too difficult to deal with. What should I do? I know it's not really up to ME to play referee, but if I don't, they won't try and fix things either. 

I would love to hear from people who've had or have similar issues. Sorry this is so winded. Something about just writing it makes me feel better...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is why I pray that my DD marries a man I can like. 

The only advice I have is put both on notice. Let your mum knows that she cannot speak negatively about your H. He is your H and if you have problems then, you will work it out together. She is not to comment about him or your marriage. You are a grown women and need to make decisions that are in your marriage best interests. 

If she cant accept that then, limit your contact with her and between her and your H.

Your H needs to know the childish crap has to stop. She is your mum and you will not take him disrespecting her. He needs to act his age or he will be sent to his room when family/friends are over. 

What will he do once you have kids, who needs attention?


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> This is why I pray that my DD marries a man I can like.
> 
> The only advice I have is put both on notice. Let your mum knows that she cannot speak negatively about your H. He is your H and if you have problems then, you will work it out together. She is not to comment about him or your marriage. You are a grown women and need to make decisions that are in your marriage best interests.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that insight...

I definitely could us a break from "family" activities. I think keeping them in their separate cages for a while is a great idea and necessary for my sanity. 

I do not want to give up on this, though but I know well enough you can't change a person (especially these two bone heads). 

*sigh*


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Is your husband a good man? Is he worthy of your respect and admiration? Will he make a good father?

If he is not all of these things, don't have a a baby with him.

If he is all of these things, then tell your mother to treat him politely and with respect.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I have learned so much from being here at TAM, when it's my time to become the MIL, I hope I will not mess up too much. But if the guys a bonehead, I might have to put laxative in his pie.:grin2:

I am trying my best to give my D space to grow and make her own decisions. I realize when she vents to me, she just needs to voice what is going on with her. She does not need me to fix things or manage her life. Also, I am so learning to bite my tongue and not speak what I am thinking because she will get mad at me. To keep the peace and love, I listen and give advice when she invites me to. 

It's hard to let go of your baby girl. You still want to make life easy for her. But I have to believe that she remembers all the things I have taught her and will use those tools, to deal with life. 

I however, firmly believe that when it comes to your marriage no one should be allowed to interfere in the normal going ons between H and W.
And I don't like people talking bad about my H. 

You just have to get mum to calm down and realize you are happy. And she did a great job raising you and now she has to back down.

Good luck with the H.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you need to get good at enforcing your own boundaries. Next time your mom says something unpleasant tell her that it's not okay for her to be disrespectful of your husband, your marriage, and you by saying stuff like that. Then tell her that you can't be around her if she's going to continue. When she says something unpleasant again, calmly remind her that you've asked her not to say things like that and then leave. Tell her you'll be happy to get together another time. The key here, is that you need to be calm and serious. This isn't the time to explain yourself, beg, cry, yell or otherwise be emotional about it. Just be calm and polite and refuse to back down. Do it every single time she's snarky, mean, or otherwise showing out. Do not remain around her if she's going to be disrespectful of your wishes, of your husband, or of you. She will eventually stop once she realizes that her behavior isn't getting her what she wants. Oh, and the flip side of this is that you cannot then complain about your husband to her. If she's not allowed to comment on your husband, then you need to stop making him a topic of conversation. Being BFF's with your mother doesn't make it okay to involve her too much in your marriage, if you have, so that's something to watch out for. 

You need to do the same thing with your husband. Let him know that you sometimes find his behavior in public embarrassing and that if it continues, you can't be with him in social/family situations. Then, the next time he pulls a stunt, remind him of your earlier conversation and leave. Let him know you're taking a cab (or the car, whatever) home and you'll see him later. Again, remain firm, calm, and direct. Don't refuse to go out with him, just refuse to stay around if he's going to behave poorly. You're not punishing an errant child or starting an argument, you're removing yourself from a situation that you find unpleasant and hurtful. 

Yes, it's annoying to have to teach good behavior to other adults. However, think of this as not teaching them, but simply refusing to accept their poor behavior. They're putting you in the middle because they know they can - because you keep tolerating it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do as you mentioned. Next time one of them goes off on the other, tell them (individually) " I'm sick and tired of your bull****."


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

Hicks said:


> Is your husband a good man? Is he worthy of your respect and admiration? Will he make a good father?
> 
> If he is not all of these things, don't have a a baby with him.
> 
> If he is all of these things, then tell your mother to treat him politely and with respect.


Oh, absolutely. No doubt about children in our near future. 

My mother DOES treat him politely, HE is the one who is biting and disrespectful in her presence. She has said many things to ME about how she feels about him, but never to him or in a public setting. 

Honestly, they're both wrong. It's just a matter of who's more wrong than the other at times and I'm sick of making that call.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You have two separate issues going on.

1. A rude immature bast--d for a husband who makes hurtful comments? Can you give an example.? If he treats you this way, how will he treat children? A crying baby?

2. An overbearing, over protective mother. Does she see all of the above that goes on? Him disrespecting you? Nobody should get involved in another's marriage including a mother but that said the comments you yourself used to describe your husband border on abusive. As a parent I would have zero tolerance for that if it involved my child.

Question- how old are you and husband? do you guys live on your own or with your mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You have two separate issues going on.
> 
> 1. A rude immature bast--d for a husband who makes hurtful comments? Can you give an example.? If he treats you this way, how will he treat children? A crying baby?
> 
> ...


1. Great example just happened Saturday: we're at lunch b/c my uncle was briefly in town. It was us, my mom, uncle and a family friend who's house it was. We got on some pointless convo about sales and how Kohls accepts a thousand coupons etc. etc. My mom joked about how it's practically a "pyramid scheme" for them to make you buy more and he says, "Yeah, well, I don't have time for all that. If I want something, I just buy it." The table went silent b/c the WAY he said it was so pompous and rude! I was mortified! So I said (with the same intonation), "Yeah, well, not everyone is made of money like you are." 

Same day, same lunch table and conversation, we were discussing our new house (which we had just come from the inspection). My family was commenting on how the previous owners kept the place so clean and nicely decorated. My mom said, "I especially like that wallpaper in the dining room..." and before she could finish her sentence, he jumped and said, "Absolutely not, that's the FIRST thing to go." The I said, "Not it's not...because I like it." Emphasis on I.

See the pattern yet? 

2. She only sees the bad, b/c he only "acts up" when he has an audience, per se. He NEVER opposes me like that at home or when it's just us and if he differs in opinion, he doesn't come off like that and we just talk about it. When there's an audience, no one's safe. He has to go against the majority and make the people around him feel inferior. I don't fall for it, but it embarrasses the hell out of me. My mom doesn't stand for ANY of it...but she's no angel herself. If we're in a group setting and my husband is talking about something we or he did that doesn't interest my mother or she doesn't agree with, she checks out. She thinks that I've changed for the worse b/c of him, but that's just b/c she now has to share the spotlight with someone else. It was her regime up until the last 6 years. 

We're 33 and 35, on the verge of purchasing our own house.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

To add, if I was forced to choose sides I'd say at least my mom has TRIED in the past to make things work with him and she's also fully recognized how much this is hurting me. He is completely unaffected. I don't understand why he can't just be nicer or silent if nothing else! I don't particularly enjoy either of his parents...he has an aunt that has blatantly insulted me to my face and made me uncomfortable every time I've been in her home, and yet, I am civil with all of them (well, not the aunt - she's a c**t and she's irrelevant.) If his parents say something I disagree or find offensive, I either leave the room, stay quiet or respectfully assert my point but I don't jump down everyone's throat. 

He called me out for being too "animated" and "phony" in family situations - hell, maybe that's how my being civil comes off. But it's a hell of a lot better of a tactic than being at each others throats.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Can you tell me how your husband got along with HIS Mom?
Did he have siblings?
What was his childhood like?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Again, he sounds abusive - mentally/verbally 

and how is he when you are home alone? He embarrasses and belittles you in public, but home alone he is sweet as pie? Odd - usually it's the other way around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

VeryHurt said:


> Can you tell me how your husband got along with HIS Mom?
> Did he have siblings?
> What was his childhood like?


I would say he tolerates her, and she lets him disrespect her. It is a very odd relationship (to me, anyway), very strained, he only seems to spend time with or talk to her out of necessity. However, she made it so. She has taken advantage of him financially, physically (meaning physical labor), basically cleaning up all her bad decisions. We are both only children, he suffered thru his parents awful divorce and I don't think he's ever full repaired from that. Childhood in short: not good, IMHO. 

We all have our demons, but we can't let them rule/ruin our lives and ESPECIALLY not take over our new lives i.e. with our spouse and children. 

I have suggested therapy for him, for us, he won't go. He doesn't see a problem with his attitude or behavior.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Again, he sounds abusive - mentally/verbally
> 
> and how is he when you are home alone? He embarrasses and belittles you in public, but home alone he is sweet as pie? Odd - usually it's the other way around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That wouldn't be a far fetched comment, his father certainly is...

I guess I don't see it as "abuse" b/c I don't feel abused? Embarrassed, on occasion, but I'm pretty good at defending myself and those around me. I don't stand for it. The only time I either let it happen or am timid is in a social situation I don't want to make worse, then deal with it at home. 

When it's just us, at home or out, it's wonderful! Never a problem! We even fight/argue effectively. I can honestly say in 6 years, we've never gone to bed mad. It's something he is adamant about not doing.

He's like a cat...or a toddler. When in a comfortable environment and on his own terms, he's perfectly fine but when it's not all about him, the claws come out and he throws his tantrums. It's very odd behavior.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell him that he needs to worry about his own behavior and stop monitoring yours.

My husband loved sarcasm and sometimes wouldn't let a subject (picking) drop. He thought he was being clever and entertaining. I informed him that if he ever made a member of my family cry, he was history. Some people don't recognize that adults can take the ribbing a lot better than children. And, there is absolutely no reason to make a child cry.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

peacem said:


> Quick reply
> 
> Your husband and baby are your family now, so your H is your priority in terms of sorting out any issues. Your mother's needs to mother you comes secondary.
> 
> ...


Sorry if I wasn't clear somewhere but we don't have a baby yet. Working on it. But it's good advice for the future.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cream2sugarsplz said:


> My mother DOES treat him politely, HE is the one who is biting and disrespectful in her presence. *She has said many things to ME about how she feels about him*, but never to him or in a public setting.


Your mum is out of line to say ANYTHING disparaging about your husband to you or anyone else and needs to be shut down. I can't believe that you allow this!! :O



Cream2sugarsplz said:


> 1. Great example just happened Saturday: we're at lunch b/c my uncle was briefly in town. It was us, my mom, uncle and a family friend who's house it was. We got on some pointless convo about sales and how Kohls accepts a thousand coupons etc. etc. My mom joked about how it's practically a "pyramid scheme" for them to make you buy more and he says, "Yeah, well, I don't have time for all that. If I want something, I just buy it." The table went silent b/c the WAY he said it was so pompous and rude! I was mortified! So I said (with the same intonation), "Yeah, well, not everyone is made of money like you are."
> 
> Same day, same lunch table and conversation, we were discussing our new house (which we had just come from the inspection). My family was commenting on how the previous owners kept the place so clean and nicely decorated. My mom said, "I especially like that wallpaper in the dining room..." and before she could finish her sentence, he jumped and said, "Absolutely not, that's the FIRST thing to go." The I said, "Not it's not...because I like it." Emphasis on I.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't see what he said that was so terrible? About the coupons I mean. I see his response to the wallpaper as a petty challenge to your mum - but honestly, I'd be the same with my MIL, she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong, telling us how we should arrange our furniture, and one day I got so sick of it I had a reason against every suggestion she made. It was all I could do not to tell her to shut her pie hole and mind her own darn business.

In the above incident though, I saw you giving your mum more ammo by challenging your husband in front of her.



Cream2sugarsplz said:


> Sorry if I wasn't clear somewhere but we don't have a baby yet. Working on it. But it's good advice for the future.


Baby/no baby yet is irrelevant. You are a married woman, your husband is your family, your immediate family. Your mother is now extended family and comes second to your husband.

When you're married, your spouse comes first. Always. I wouldn't challenge my husband or argue/disagree with him in front of others - especially someone who I knew doesn't like him. I'd go to town in private, but in public I have his back no matter what.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It seems to me, from the examples you gave, that he's not really insulting anyone as such, but he's trying hard to contribute something to the conversation and it's coming across as rude. He would know how your mother feels and I bet that when she comments on something to do with your lives (like the wallpaper in your house), he would see it as her way of trying to intrude in your lives. I see that you tend to shoot him down in public as well, being just as rude and obnoxious as him.

I bet, based on your aggressive responses to him in front of other people, that he would have to feel excluded, probably a little betrayed too. I get why you're doing it, but I think you're digging a nasty pit full of resentment between you and your husband. You don't have to agree with him, but you don't have to attack him either.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are in the middle becuase you are choosing to be in the middle.

You describe your husband as a jerk and put the blame on him. What if he is a jerk to your children? You want to make a baby with someone who you yourself describe negatively. It's a mistake to pursue baby at all costs without considering the child.

However, if you choose to stay marred and choose to have a baby you are choosing to accept your husband 100% for who he is. Once you make your choice you then choose the "collateral damage" that it does to your mother. You need to defend your husband.... If your mother thinks he is less of a man for allowing you to work then your mother needs to have a serious consequence there...


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

breeze said:


> It seems to me, from the examples you gave, that he's not really insulting anyone as such, but he's trying hard to contribute something to the conversation and it's coming across as rude. He would know how your mother feels and I bet that when she comments on something to do with your lives (like the wallpaper in your house), he would see it as her way of trying to intrude in your lives. I see that you tend to shoot him down in public as well, being just as rude and obnoxious as him.
> 
> I bet, based on your aggressive responses to him in front of other people, that he would have to feel excluded, probably a little betrayed too. I get why you're doing it, but I think you're digging a nasty pit full of resentment between you and your husband. You don't have to agree with him, but you don't have to attack him either.


You're pretty spot on here. I don't think he's INTENTIONALLY trying to be rude, that's why he doesn't see a problem with his behavior. He does, however, get defensive when I politely say to him in private, "Sometimes your tone comes off as rude and condescending to those who don't know you as well as I do - can you take that into consideration..." and that's about the nicest way I can put it. So his continuation of the comments and arrogance causes me to lash out in public settings. It's just a perfect storm. 

Almost a verbatim conversation at Easter when my mom excitedly ordered a bloody Mary:

H: (adamantly) "Those are disgusting."
Me: (attempt to diffuse) "You think? I mean, I don't like them personally but pretty much everyone I know does."
H: (more aggressively) "Nope. I don't know ANYONE who likes bloody Mary's and I hate them."
Me: (annoyed now) "Well, you hate everything anyway."
H: (thinks he's funny) "I hate you..."
Me: (mortified) "You're rude as f**k"

This pattern is pretty consistent in any group setting where he is not the center of attention or with HIS friends and family. Consider being my mother and watching this scenario play out. He verbalized the words, "I hate you" and though I know he's messing around, in context, it was pretty nasty. This is the way SHE hears him talk to her daughter when in reality, he'd NEVER speak to me like that at home or around anyone else. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT and I certainly can't make her see it that way. He becomes a different person when she's around, even when she's said or done nothing to prompt his aggression.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

Hicks said:


> You are in the middle becuase you are choosing to be in the middle.
> 
> You describe your husband as a jerk and put the blame on him. What if he is a jerk to your children? You want to make a baby with someone who you yourself describe negatively. It's a mistake to pursue baby at all costs without considering the child.
> 
> However, if you choose to stay marred and choose to have a baby you are choosing to accept your husband 100% for who he is. Once you make your choice you then choose the "collateral damage" that it does to your mother. You need to defend your husband.... If your mother thinks he is less of a man for allowing you to work then your mother needs to have a serious consequence there...


I don't forsee it as being a problem with children b/c he's ONLY like this when my mother is around. As far as her comment about his manhood, I quickly squashed that one. I told her she can comment on his rudeness to her b/c it directly affects her, but don't EVER disparage him in any other way to me b/c she has NO idea what goes on behind closed doors. 

I just wish he could be the sweet, funny, caring person he is with me around her b/c THAT is the guy I know. I can tell her until I'm blue in the face but she NEVER sees it. He's a different person when he has an audience.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

You seem to verbally attack as much as he does. Why not just diffuse the situation calmly?

Surely all you needed to say to your H's 'That's disgusting' comment was 'Well don't order one then'

I agree with others who say not to take your H along to family events anymore. He obviously doesn't enjoy them.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

JJG said:


> You seem to verbally attack as much as he does. Why not just diffuse the situation calmly?
> 
> Surely all you needed to say to your H's 'That's disgusting' comment was 'Well don't order one then'
> 
> I agree with others who say not to take your H along to family events anymore. He obviously doesn't enjoy them.


Agreed, I definitely want to keep church and state separate at this point but I can't very well split my time when the holidays come around, can I? 

I'd say my response to his adverse reaction to the bloody Mary was fairly innocent, no? I know my responses from my OP have sounded very attacking on my husband, but the more I think about it and pick it apart, he really is the aggressor in these situations. Always has to have the last word and loves to argue. I just do not understand it. I'd almost say he enjoys the conflict.

NOTE: it's not so much the dialogue of the above scenarios, but the way he says it. Very pompous and almost makes you feel dumb or beneath him. I'm not the only one who gets that vibe, either.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cream2sugarsplz said:


> Agreed, I definitely want to keep church and state separate at this point but I can't very well split my time when the holidays come around, can I?


Why not? You're a married woman. Husband comes first. Always.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cream2sugarsplz said:


> You're pretty spot on here. I don't think he's INTENTIONALLY trying to be rude, that's why he doesn't see a problem with his behavior. He does, however, get defensive when I politely say to him in private, "Sometimes your tone comes off as rude and condescending to those who don't know you as well as I do - can you take that into consideration..." and that's about the nicest way I can put it. So his continuation of the comments and arrogance causes me to lash out in public settings. It's just a perfect storm.
> 
> Almost a verbatim conversation at Easter when my mom excitedly ordered a bloody Mary:
> 
> ...


I think his behaviour changes when around your family because he goes into attack/defence mode. I've seen other people do this around their in-laws when they are generally not liked by someone. Maybe he felt threatened by your mother initially, as you are very close to her (as you said in an earlier post), which led to him being rude, which would've led to her disliking him.

I also think that one spouse being too close to a parent can mean the other spouse may feel neglected and ostracised, especially if they lack a similar connection with their own parent/s. Instead of directing the frustrations at the person who is making them feel that way (for lack of words at the moment, I don't mean anyone 'makes' anyone else feel something, but you probably get what I'm trying to say), they might direct them at the in-laws. Your mother might be the scapegoat for his pent up resentment towards you.

Has he ever voiced any negative feelings about your relationship with your mother?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I KNOW my MIL just tolerates me.:smile2: but we get along just fine. My daughters have told me some of the things she's said about me to my wife. But, I'm really thick skinned and just let it roll off. 
When we're at family get-togethers, I'm pretty quiet, only speak when spoken to.

Personally, I think in the bloody mary situation, you really egged it on. After he made his first comment, I would probably said something like....."ahhhhh, that's ok". Or nothing. Some things are better left unsaid.

"It's better to keep your mouth shut, and be thought a fool, than to open it, and remove all doubt".


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

breeze said:


> I think his behaviour changes when around your family because he goes into attack/defence mode. I've seen other people do this around their in-laws when they are generally not liked by someone. Maybe he felt threatened by your mother initially, as you are very close to her (as you said in an earlier post), which led to him being rude, which would've led to her disliking him.
> 
> I also think that one spouse being too close to a parent can mean the other spouse may feel neglected and ostracised, especially if they lack a similar connection with their own parent/s. Instead of directing the frustrations at the person who is making them feel that way (for lack of words at the moment, I don't mean anyone 'makes' anyone else feel something, but you probably get what I'm trying to say), they might direct them at the in-laws. Your mother might be the scapegoat for his pent up resentment towards you.
> 
> Has he ever voiced any negative feelings about your relationship with your mother?


You could be onto something with the feeling ostracized due to a lack of a relationship with his own parents. Knowing that (about the lack of or poor relationship with his own parents), my mom has tried endlessly to change that for him, make him feel part of a family, befriend him, it just doesn't work. It hurts me when I have to tell her, "You're casting your line into an empty lake. This is just the way he is." Truth be told, it took him a while to open up to me as it is, let alone my family. But it's been 6 years of this back and forth and I think she's about thrown in the towel which is sad since we're on the brink of buying a home and TTC. 

Growing up an only child to a single mom, I always yearned for a big, boisterous family (the grass is always greener) and hoped I'd marry someone with just that. Turns out my husband is an only child as well, and he liked it that way. Never let anyone get close to him, very introverted, cold. I was and still am the opposite. He has on occasion said he how can "take or leave" his parents (divorced).

I'm not trying to recast "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", here. I would just like everyone to get along, GENUINELY get along, b/c really no one has DONE anything to seriously hurt anyone else. It's all petty, childish, bullsh!t comments. People have falling outs over major issues, we don't have any of that here and STILL these 2 can't get along. 

The fact that their animosity is not rooted in anything particular makes me think there's still hope.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Cream2sugarsplz said:


> Almost a verbatim conversation at Easter when my mom excitedly ordered a bloody Mary:
> 
> H: (adamantly) "Those are disgusting."
> Me: (attempt to diffuse) "You think? I mean, I don't like them personally but pretty much everyone I know does."
> ...


OP, you're part of the problem here. You're engaging with him when he's being nasty, you're essentially playing along with his nastiness. Stop doing that. All engaging with him does is encourage him to continue, prolong the event, make both of you upset, and make others uncomfortable. I know you're trying to diffuse the situation, but it's not working. Besides, he's an adult. You cannot control him and, even as his wife, it's not really your job to cover for his ill behavior. So, don't engage. Don't think of it as letting him get away with being nasty, think of it as refusing to play along with his nastiness. 


Easter should have played out more like this:

H: (adamantly) "Those are disgusting."
You: _(Brief beat of silence. Change of subject.)
_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I disagree. In fact, I think you need to double down even more. They are children and children need to have their behavior stopped immediately. They need to be embarrassed and you need to embarrass them. You almost need them to come together to be like, man, she is cray cray, I know right?

This is how that convo should go:

H: (adamantly) "Those are disgusting."
Me: (So that everyone hears) Are you ****ing Kidding me? You ALWAYS have to say something ****ing obnoxious and I am ****ing sick of hearing it. So, go in the bathroom, close the ****ing door and act like a douchbag in there.
Your Mom: (looks at you surprised)
You: THEY ARE ****ING DISGUSTING, FIGURES YOU'D DRINK ONE!

Ok, maybe something a little different, but sometimes you gotta do the worst to get them to understand.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

breeze said:


> I think his behaviour changes when around your family because he goes into attack/defence mode. I've seen other people do this around their in-laws when they are generally not liked by someone. Maybe he felt threatened by your mother initially, as you are very close to her (as you said in an earlier post), which led to him being rude, which would've led to her disliking him.
> 
> I also think that one spouse being too close to a parent can mean the other spouse may feel neglected and ostracised, especially if they lack a similar connection with their own parent/s. Instead of directing the frustrations at the person who is making them feel that way (for lack of words at the moment, I don't mean anyone 'makes' anyone else feel something, but you probably get what I'm trying to say), they might direct them at the in-laws. Your mother might be the scapegoat for his pent up resentment towards you.
> 
> Has he ever voiced any negative feelings about your relationship with your mother?





Herschel said:


> I disagree. In fact, I think you need to double down even more. They are children and children need to have their behavior stopped immediately. They need to be embarrassed and you need to embarrass them. You almost need them to come together to be like, man, she is cray cray, I know right?
> 
> This is how that convo should go:
> 
> ...


I can't tell if you're being facetious or not...?!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am being serious that when people are confronted publicly with their immature actions and it is all brought out, they make a cognizant choice.

They either rebel and explode, or they be aware and try to change. Most times when people see how everyone sees them, they want to change. Nobody wants to be viewed like that. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. He is making comments because he feels like she is the bad guy and vice versa. You are a biased onlooker to both of them.

But when everyone else sees it and hears it and your dismay is completely affronting, then they have no choice. Tell them both you aren't going to take ANY MORE OF THEIR ****! No more being nice about it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Personally, I'm not a fan of public humiliation as a method of teaching someone something. I think it creates a lot more problems than it resolves. When you treat someone in a way that creates many negative feelings towards you and themselves, there are repercussions, and just because you haven't thought of what they'll be, doesn't mean they won't happen.

He's an only child and it seems as if he thinks he is the centre of the universe. Nobody really cared what he thought of the drink. He saw it as a way to show superiority. I don't think that mimicking the behaviour is the answer.

First, be a role model.

Second, bad attention is still attention. Don't respond to his attempts to get attention through behaving like a spoilt brat.

Three, engage him in more positive ways while around your mother. Try to make sure he is included in normal conversation. If he responds negatively, again, don't respond to it and move on.


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

Thanks, all. This thread was actually pretty helpful! First thing in order is to take some "time off" from them seeing each other. I have a couple things planned this weekend with each one separately which is good. The next hurdle will be his birthday, which I'd prefer she not come to dinner for, but my MIL came out for mine (not that I was a fan of that, but it just happened).
@Herschel I've taken the aggressive approach before (it's in my nature) and it seemed to alleviate the situation for the moment, but I'm looking for a permanent solution or as close to one as I can get. 

I'd like to go to counselling with my husband, insist upon it - and together, so he doesn't feel attacked. Aside from his issues with my mom directly, the fact that he lashes out in public and says childish, nasty things is a problem on it's own. In turn, I'm sure he's got a basket of qualms with me that he should address. Also, we're on the brink of some potentially stressful times between home buying and TTC, it'd be good for us to have an outlet. 

As for those who said, "he's your husband...he comes first...support him 100%", I respectfully disagree. I don't tolerate him disrespecting me, family or friends in a public setting. It's rude, embarrassing and childish and I don't think he should get a pass for that just b/c he's my husband let alone have me back him in it. 

Thank you all again! Cheers to better days ahead...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband had a habit of telling jokes/stories at my expense. I asked him to stop as it made me uncomfortable. He didn't. One evening after our guests had left, I told him that I didn't appreciate him using me to fill a void in the conversation and the next time he pulled that crap that I was going to embarrass the holy hell out of him right in front of God and everyone.

Note that he only did this in front of friends. If he had tried it in front of family, someone would have boxed his ears and he knew it.

Anyway, it worked. He stopped that garbage.

Your husband is seriously lacking in manners. Ask him if this is how his parents raised him - to be rude, condescending and downright
ugly to be around. Ask him if he would like you to take this approach with his family as what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Good luck! Personally, I'd rather train a python.


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