# ONS Couple Years Ago-What to do?



## rikkai (Jan 1, 2020)

Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home. 

What kills me is the multiple opportunities he had to stop but didn't. I try not to imagine any of it but I can't stop playing images in my head and thinking how the hell could you do this? He said they would play pool, kiss, play, kiss, with her mainly initiating it and him not stopping her. He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not? Further, how could he lie to me for so long? I thought we had no secrets! (He swears that this was the only time and he has never strayed since). Can I trust that? Also, the fact that he wore his ring the whole time and still didn't care or stop. He said the girls pointed it out the next morning. He's also taken me to that bar since this occurred several times. How? I feel like these actions show zero remorse.Why would you ever go back you that bar?? I feel so humiliated.

He admitted he was drunk but he remembers mostly everything. He said he knew he should stop but it was hard when she kissed him first and because our marriage was rocky at the time, he didn't care or feel hope. I looked at our texts from this day and the days before and we seemed okay..

Infidelity was never a concern in our marriage but I can admit we have had some rough patches (mainly communication). We had gone to therapy in 2016. In 2017 we began trying for a child. We now have a beautiful baby who has made me the happiest. 2.5 years have passed since this indiscretion and truthfully, idk how to feel. I've barely cried and have been more angry than anything. I feel like anything I would've stopped doing with him (being intimate, building a family, etc.) has already been done so what do I do? I truly don't know if I can forgive this and feel like I'll always will look at him and remember that he is not the man I thought he was. But... We've lived life normal for 2.5 years... do I now throw away the marriage? Will I ever look at him and NOT think of infidelity? I know healing well take time and we plan to go to therapy. However, for those who chose to stay, does it b really ever get better? Well I learn to love him again workout thinking of this blemish on him? That's my biggest fear-living an extra 50 years or whatever and staying in a marriage where I never was able to forget. I'm so heartbroken.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that this happened.

You ask if it ever gets better and if you ever love him again. If you can ever get over this.

There will be a lot of people responding to this thread telling you to divorce him and all sorts of other very negative things. But I'm going to give you a different point of view. The fact is that about 85% of marriages in which infidelity occurs go on the repair their marriage and even have a good marriage afterwards. It's completely possible to get beyond this. 

The question is how do you do it. There are a lot of good books out there that can help. Here are two that your husband could learn a lot from. You would benefit from reading them too.

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful*


*HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM YOUR AFFAIR: a guide to rebuilding your marriage*


These two will help you rebuild your marriage and affair proof it going forward. The way to use these two books if for the two of you to read them, in the order listed, and to do the work that they say to do.

*Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits*


*His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For you its as if he has just cheated no matter when it actually happened. 
You ask if you can trust him again, well some cant and that's why marriages end. You will never know if it was just that one time or not. His excuses that the marriage was in a bad patch are just that, excuses, and his attempt to justify what he did. It sounds as if he had many chances over that evening to stop the kissing etc, and he didn't. 

Adultery and betrayal is like a vase being knocked over and smashed into a million pieces. You then have a choice. 1) Painstakingly try and put that vase back together again accepting that it will be hard and painful and long and will never be quite the same, or 2) sweep the vase up and throw it away ie end the marriage. 
I know that for me I don't think that I could ever quite trust that person again. I would work on forgiving because that is important, but that doesn't have to mean reconciliation. Of course you have a small child and that is a big factor, but only you know if you can trust him again, especially as he has lied for 2 years. 

Its so fresh that you will need time. Time to decide what to do. You may want a time apart to give yourself time and space to think and reflect. Asking him to move out for a period may also show him how very serious this is and how close you are to ending the marriage. Hopefully that will shock him into being 100% repentant and willing to do all he needs to do to rebuild the trust again if that is possible.

I dont think you need to worry that you will go many years and then regret staying, I think you will know what you want to do within a few months once the horrible shock has lessened somewhat.

Oh and one more thing, make sure you are both tested for STD's. Any woman who can do this with a married man who even has his wedding ring on, has probably had multiple partners, and by not telling you he has put you at risk.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

First, your marriage will never be the same. He did something that he knew would destroy your marriage. How invested was his selfish self? How mature? Basically, he is lacking in integrity. He blames your marriage problems, his drinking, his lack of caring, etc. How about Lyft, cabs, Uber? He was afraid to come home, so he stayed and made out some more in the morning?

Second, does he still run with his male 'friend'? Friend of yours too? Is the bartender a 'friend too"? Has he seen the AP since or had contact with her? Does she hang at the bar? She knew he was married, but he chose this skank over you.

Third, once trust has been broken, things will never be the same. Read the books. If you decide to work on reconciliation, there will be years of work. What would happen if it had been you who had cheated on him? 

Fourth, IMO he should stop drinking period. "Anything I would have stopped doing with him, I've already done." Really??? What if another girl kisses him and he decides why not f*** her, wife will take me back anyway?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people do recover from infidelity. But the process can take years to fully come to terms with so don’t feel that you have to heal immediately or even soon. It takes as long as it takes. For you, it’s new. For him, it’s not. Your marriage will have to be rebuilt and that takes time. He needs to fully understand that and not push for you to get over it, or try to rug sweep, etc., but instead be fully supportive and help you heal. You’ll always remember it but hopefully in time today’s pain will fade. You won’t trust him the way you once did but you shouldn’t. There are successes and there are failures when trying to move past infidelity. Do what’s best for you. I hope that all goes well.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It will depend hugely upon your husband's attitude, not that he cries about it once, but what he does to help you heal. How transparent he becomes, whether he displays an attitude of entitlement.



OP said:


> He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not?


This kind of blame-shifting, although quite common, is one of the most negative things he can do. His adultery is NOT YOUR FAULT, not even a scintilla. He must own it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know you're devastated. And with a young child, it complicates things.

Yes, it's entirely possible to reconcile after cheating. I've seen long-term affairs happen and marriages recover. Trust can be rebuilt. It can be done.

And I hate to borrow trouble here because you are in so much pain. But I would be remiss not to mention it because you need to see all sides. Do you buy what he's telling you? That they only kissed? He couldn't perform? And he spent the whole night there, woke up in the morning sober, and nothing happened? Really? I find it disturbing he's brought you back to that same bar. I'd be pissed, too. I wonder why he confessed? Was it weighing on him so heavily, or was there a risk of you finding out by another source?

Reconciliation is a long road. Your husband needs to do the heavy lifting here to rebuild trust. That looks like answering any and all questions about that night no matter how uncomfortable, and if you so desire, marital counseling, no longer hanging out with the friends who were with him that night. 

He doesn't get to be defensive or argumentative or tell you that it happened so long ago and to leave it in the past. That may be true, but for you, it's like it just happened bc you just found out.

I do hope you are taking good care of yourself considering the circumstances. You must eat and stay hydrated.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

The marriage won't ever be the same because of what happened. That being said, it has positive forward movement. 

He told you, it's not that you found out. Sounds like you most likely wouldn't have known if he hadn't told you.

He is showing remorse which doesn't give him a pass at all but does indicate it bothered him and again especially on remorse - it wasn't because you found out- he told you. The blameshifting isn't fun but could be guilt speaking at this point.

Given how you found out, there is some forward progress in admitting and showing signs of guilt. Where it goes now would depend on what he is willing to do to become transparent and fix his problems and what both of you are willing to do to fix what seems like are still some existing problems. 

First and foremost are you able to move forward yourself with what you know?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I wouldn’t worry about 50 years down the road. Just the now. You might have some serious issues with privacy and secrets... in so many cases one spouse (you?) is far more open than the other, without realizing the other isn’t being open. We assume the other spouse is like us in that regard. Because, hey, why wouldn’t they? It’s a huge error, a potentially disastrous minefield. 

Secrets and privacy=power. I tested that this week. More on that later but wow, was I surprised when I held back on something I normally wouldn’t, from my wife. Treating her the way she often does me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rikkai said:


> Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home.
> 
> What kills me is the multiple opportunities he had to stop but didn't. I try not to imagine any of it but I can't stop playing images in my head and thinking how the hell could you do this? He said they would play pool, kiss, play, kiss, with her mainly initiating it and him not stopping her. He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not? Further, how could he lie to me for so long? I thought we had no secrets! (He swears that this was the only time and he has never strayed since). Can I trust that? Also, the fact that he wore his ring the whole time and still didn't care or stop. He said the girls pointed it out the next morning. He's also taken me to that bar since this occurred several times. How? I feel like these actions show zero remorse.Why would you ever go back you that bar?? I feel so humiliated.
> 
> ...


You won't forget it. Yet. But it does get better over time.

And yes, I have been there. 










I would suggest further counselling. Your husband needs to be able to work out why he did it, in order to make it less likely that he does it again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

VladDracul said:


> Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.


Strongly disagree.

Real consent needs to be informed consent.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.

Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.

You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mybabysgotit said:


> My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.
> 
> Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.
> 
> You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.


A ONS cannot be seen as any less dangerous to a relationship than a longer-term affair because it is a gateway drug to more. That your marriage survived a ONS is not an indication of anything more than your own situation. For most people, that momentary lapse of will is a character flaw every bit as deep as those in a longer affair. That's how I see it. Your mileage may vary.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Remorse requires forward action. If you have a one night stand that results in remorse, transparency and never happens again there is forward action. If you have any kind of affair that repeats, each time it happens is a step back not forward. Repeated actions indicate no remorse. 

A spouse acknowledging a disrespect to the marriage especially without it being discovered first is a positive step forward to remorse


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I don't have much to add other than my sympathy. Whatever direction you take, it will be difficult. I wish you the very best and hope that things work out for you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think it's possible to get over cheating, especially if it's a one-off event. But it doesn't mean it's easy, or even that you should do it. Some people just aren't cut out for 'getting over it.' I'm one of them. So, I guess my question to you would be: is it something you want to get over, and think you can get over? If so, then get a good MC and a good IC and go for it. If not, don't belabor things, just end it.

I will caveat that by saying that while it's very possible he's had one ONS and that's the end of it, in my experience it's exceedingly uncommon. Usually the admission of a ONS is to alleviate the guilt of cheating, and seems to represent 'forgive me for cheating' instead of 'forgive me for this one night with this one person.' Usually it's either a string of ONS's over the course of the relationship, or an actual weeks/months/years long affair. I think of it as the 1% rule - people usually only confess 1% of what actually happened, in the hopes that you'll forgive them and stay.

Additionally, it's rare that you move past this one infidelity, and then it's over. It's more common for people's past behaviour to predict their future behaviour unless some core change has happened, which does not seem to be the case here. You didn't even think infidelity was a concern when it happened. So what's changed?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Another case where someone should have kept their friggin mouth shut and not hurt those around him to relieve his guilt.


Why would anyone want to be with someone who has cheated and lied and not told them?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> My wife and I went through this many years ago. I know she was hurt at the time but now just thinks i'm an idiot for what I've done. We've had a great relationship since.
> 
> Many may not agree, but I think there's a huge difference between a ONS and an ongoing affair. If my wife had a ONS, I would most likely forgive her and move on. If she were to have any contact with the person afterwards, I would divorce. At least that's the difference for me.
> 
> You're whole scenario sounds so much like mine even to the point of blurting it out when I had some drinks. It was weighing heavily on him and he had to tell you; there's something to be said for that right there.


I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.


Exactly.

Not only did he cheat, but he exposed her to god knows what for two years without even knowing it. Zero integrity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marduk said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Not only did he cheat, but he exposed her to god knows what for two years without even knowing it. Zero integrity.


Absolutely. A woman with morals like that may well have an STD. or more than one.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I don't see any difference. He had plenty of opportunity throughout that evening and night to stop but he didn't. Cheating shows a character flaw and lack of integrity, as did the fact that it took him 2 years to confess which is a long time.


That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.

In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.
> 
> In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.


Of course there's a difference, just like there's a difference between hitting someone once and hitting someone repeatedly. But they're both physical abuse.

And like physical abuse, it's infrequently a one-time event, and shows that they have the ability and willingness to do it.

Besides, he exposed her to health risks she wasn't even aware of for two years. That's a removal of informed consent if I've ever heard it, and needs to be dealt with if reconciliation is ever going to truly occur.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

rikkai, do you think you will be better off with him or than without him. Once you answered this puts alot of area's in place and this will than help the advice be better suited.


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## rikkai (Jan 1, 2020)

OP said:


> He said he was conscious of it being wrong but he felt the marriage was so bad, he figured why not?


This kind of blame-shifting, although quite common, is one of the most negative things he can do. His adultery is NOT YOUR FAULT, not even a scintilla. He must own it.[/QUOTE]

So he hasn't blamed me and is quick to say he knows there's no excuse and he doesn't even want to try giving me one because he knows it was completely wrong. I asked him to help me understsnd why he did it and that's when he mentioned that our marriage was in a bad place at the time, etc. But he really hasn't put blame on me, offered to sleep elsewhere to give me space if needed, said it was the worst mistake, swears nothing else has ever happened. Said he brought it up bc it's been in his mind and he tried hiding it because he'd know I leave and he really wanted to save us (we've been really good since then). 

But it still feels like how is this man even the same guy? I don't want to kiss this guy and always be reminded of her. I've also expressed to him how do I trust that he's telling the full truth. He said he completely understands and I have every right to question him. But he'd like to try therapy and see if we can heal because he doesn't want to lose us.

It's like he's saying the right things and seems genuine... But how can you trust anyone whose ever did such a big betrayal? ****.


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## rikkai (Jan 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry to hear that this happened.
> 
> You ask if it ever gets better and if you ever love him again. If you can ever get over this.
> 
> ...





sunsetmist said:


> First, your marriage will never be the same. He did something that he knew would destroy your marriage. How invested was his selfish self? How mature? Basically, he is lacking in integrity. He blames your marriage problems, his drinking, his lack of caring, etc. How about Lyft, cabs, Uber? He was afraid to come home, so he stayed and made out some more in the morning?
> 
> Second, does he still run with his male 'friend'? Friend of yours too? Is the bartender a 'friend too"? Has he seen the AP since or had contact with her? Does she hang at the bar? She knew he was married, but he chose this skank over you.
> 
> ...


He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.

And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

rikkai said:


> He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.
> 
> And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞


If he had been truly remorseful after his ons he would never have put himself into the same situation again. By this I mean drinking more than one or two drinks in any occasion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.
> 
> In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.


I haven't been cheated on so being 'butthurt' doesnt apply to me. 

However, whether it was once or many times its still adultery. The trust has still been shattered. The marriage promises still broken. Lies told. Intimacy lost. The marriage covenant broken. The spouses health put at serious risk.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rikkai said:


> He said he never got her number or anything. He says he's never seen or talked to her at all and was super embarrassed when he left the next day. I absolutely told him he needs to stop drinking-I swear to gosh he can drink three beers and turn into an ass. He doesn't drink much or even often but I feel like he's a lightweight and changes too fast.
> 
> And For the last part, I have no intentions on being intimate with him unless I heal. I keep trying to explain how I feel but can't even think of how to type it out 😞


Make sure you both get tested for STD'S asap.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.
> 
> In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.


The issue is that some of us don't see much difference between making the decision, every single day, for two years, to not tell their spouse about their ONS... vs having an affair during that same amount of time. Either way you are actively, not passively, denying your spouse what he or she should know about you. Did you not have sex with your wife during the time you didn't tell her about the ONS? Or did you surreptitiously find a way to get her tested to make sure she was in the clear? What about HPV? 

It is only OK to play outside of your relationship if your partner understands what you're doing and is OK with the risks involved. Risks to his or her health and risks to the relationship. Period. Tell me how it matters if it was a ONS vs a longer-term relationship in this regard?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The trust issue is the most difficult part. Once you’ve been touched by infidelity you don’t view your marriage the same way. The innocence is gone and it doesn’t come back — and it shouldn’t. If you stay, you’ll have to build a new marriage and it will be different from the old marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H's story just seems all too dramatic and orchestrated to me!

Like he had knowledge in advance of exactly what was going to occur as well as when!

Trysts and sexual contacts rarely happen spontaneously ~ they usually always have the elements of planning and forethought!

Don't be fooled! This could well have been his modus operandi  for any number of years!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> The issue is that some of us don't see much difference between making the decision, every single day, for two years, to not tell their spouse about their ONS... vs having an affair during that same amount of time. Either way you are actively, not passively, denying your spouse what he or she should know about you. Did you not have sex with your wife during the time you didn't tell her about the ONS? Or did you surreptitiously find a way to get her tested to make sure she was in the clear? What about HPV?
> 
> It is only OK to play outside of your relationship if your partner understands what you're doing and is OK with the risks involved. Risks to his or her health and risks to the relationship. Period. Tell me how it matters if it was a ONS vs a longer-term relationship in this regard?


And my big problem with ONS, and why for me, I think it is kind of worse, is that it shows a level of recklessness and carelessness I just can't be with someone who is so reckless and impulsive that they would go from nothing to screwing in a virtual instant.


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## rikkai (Jan 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know you're devastated. And with a young child, it complicates things.
> 
> Yes, it's entirely possible to reconcile after cheating. I've seen long-term affairs happen and marriages recover. Trust can be rebuilt. It can be done.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that-those are the same questions I wondered! I keep trying to put myself in his shoes and understand how the hell do you stay the night if you were feeling guilty, not drop after several opportunities, take me to same bar, etc. But none of it makes sense and it's bull****. I asked him again last night and he said he prayed on and it and took him a while to try to feel like he could forgive himself but he felt her didn't want this to take power over our relationship and wanted us to go back to one of our favorite places and not ruin. Again, I feel that's illogical and bull****. He said we won't have to go back and he won't hang out with said friend anymore if that's what it takes.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And my big problem with ONS, and why for me, I think it is kind of worse, is that it shows a level of recklessness and carelessness I just can't be with someone who is so reckless and impulsive that they would go from nothing to screwing in a virtual instant.


We (you and I and most others) adhere to wedding vows that are quite specific in this regard. One of the things that makes sex so special is precisely the fact that it's one of the very, very, very few things that we do not share with anyone but our husband and wife. When you think about it that way, it becomes the very foundation for intimacy. And it's a bit of an absolute. You don't kinda sorta have sex but not really. We see that come up every once in a while and it's shot down quickly because it just doesn't fly. We know, in our hearts & minds, what it is we are and are not supposed to do. This cuts across religious backgrounds. 

If a husband and wife want to agree that it's ok to take a lover outside of marriage, that's another thing entirely, essentially a modification of the vows. I would be suspect of such arrangements and looking for situations where one had a financial or physical advantage over the other, making it a coerced agreement. But this is not relevant, at all, to what is typically described here.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

rikkai said:


> I asked him again last night and he said he prayed on and it and took him a while to try to feel like he could forgive himself but he felt her didn't want this to take power over our relationship and wanted us to go back to one of our favorite places and not ruin.


Like he could forgive himself??!!! Oh brother. 

I thought of something else--you said your H said the girls noticed his wedding ring the morning after. They didn't notice it the night before?

Did you ask him the hard questions yet? How deep have you delved into talking with him about this? You're probably still in shock and so angry. Do you feel any remorse from him?

Has he asked how YOU are doing?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you're in this mess. You did nothing to deserve this. Infidelity is a major trauma. Google PTSD (that's what you're experiencing). Consider seeing your doctor for help with sleeping and anxiety.

You may be able to trust him again and give him another chance - but before that happens your husband has a lot of work to do.
You don't need to do anything. Why? because he destroyed your marriage and your trust in him - it's his job to fix this.

Notes:

1 - For him it was 2.5 years ago ....for you just a few days ago. 

2 - He's very immature (at least when he's drinking). For example, the circumstances and excuse for the ONS; and later blurting out a confession when he's angry at you. As well as the subsequent tears and drama in a childish attempt to gain your sympathy. 

3 - Remind him that he's not the victim - you are. And your pain is 1,000 times worse than his guilt. He needs to grow up and fix his mess.

4 - To motivate him, tell him your immediate reaction is divorce but you will give him time to change your mind. 

Consequences:

There are consequences for his ONS. For you to even consider staying married to him he needs to:

- write down a detailed timeline of the evening (subject to a polygraph test). Doesn't matter if you follow through - he just needs to believe you will.
- dump the drinking buddy and anyone else that knew (they're co-conspirators)
- no drinking without you (ever)
- total transparency or privacy (e.g., no secret passwords, or private social media accounts or texting ... whatever you need!)
- read and apply: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald
- every week for the next 3 months he should send you a love letter or card expressing a (new not a repeat) reason why he's grateful to be married to you (50-100 words or whatever you want). That's right he better have at least 12 reasons to be grateful for you if he wants to save his marriage.

Finally, if you can afford it: IC for each of you (not marriage counseling that comes later). Him to fix himself and you to heal from his betrayal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rikkai said:


> Unfortunately my best, happiest year (2019) ended abruptly a few hours before midnight when my husband told me in 2017 he did cheat. This was during a disagreement (he had a few drinks after work) and honestly.... Not sure why this was blurted. He bawled after he said it, said he can't believe he just ruined our marriage, and he's so sorry. Long story short-he went to shoot pool with a friend, had some drinks, and some girls later asked to play pool with them. The four of them ended up making out several times, went back to her place, and turned off his phone after telling me he was was drunk at his friend's house and couldn't drive (He's never done that before so I was worried but happy he wasn't drinking and driving). Apparently they tried to do stuff but he couldn't perform. He claims it couldn't have been more than 5-10 mins tops Then he decided to stay the night with her because he was drinking and scared to come home.


I know I am late to the party and I haven't read all the responses but what you do first is don't assume you have the whole truth despite his cries. Cheaters have a vested interest in lying and they are good at it. Also don't assume you can tell, you had no idea he was cheating until he told you right? So why would you assume you can tell now. Yes that is harsh but finding out 2 years later that there was a lot more will be worse then some guy posting some harsh word on a message board. 

From my experience from reading about affairs for some years is sexual affairs work like any other kind of sexual misconduct it's very rare that you just start with the worse, it usually takes build up. Meaning most people can't go from being faithful and moral their whole lives to throwing all that investment in their integrity away in one night. This is why work affairs are more common, because those build over time slowly braking down barriers. 

The one caveat I would add to that is unless there is alcohol or drugs involved. But still you would think if you are an honorable person once you are sober the next day or whatever you are going to be dealing with a ton of guilt. Lying for 2 years means there are even bigger problems then the huge problem of cheating. Again I just don't believe you go from being faithful for years to meeting someone and screwing them in a night. That is not how people work. There is a lot more here then you know. 

All of this is why I believe you would be very unwise to assume this was the first time. I suggest you suggest a polygraph and see how he reacts. Also check your phone records for the past year. See if he is texting or calling any numbers you don't know and do a reverse lookup. See if you can get into his phone and look for apps go into the settings section and see if you can see what apps are used the most. I believe you can do that on and iPhone. It's important you know all the truth before you make your decision.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Mybabysgotit said:


> That's precisely why I started with "some may not agree". Just for this reason...lol.
> 
> In any case, it's disturbing how you fail to see the difference between a ONS with no other contact with the person versus a full blown affair with multiple counts of infidelity. But then again, that's the vibe I get from this forum. People here seem a little more butthurt than most.


I always wonder if the poster is a cheater, or whatever negative topic is at hand, when they go right to the insults because someone disagrees with their “it’s only one time” opinion.

The only thing disturbing is how flippant you are about how another person feels about cheating. Just because you feel one affair is way better than two or more doesn’t make it correct.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Again, has he seen her since that night? Oops, no way he'd tell the truth about this. As others have said...check, check, check. Do poly. I bet she goes back looking for him. If he goes there, he is not afraid of running into her.

Thinking you were tested for STD's at daughter's birth, but some show up later and now you can't trust him and it sets the tone.

Also, is his buddy married or does he have a gf? She should be informed. Maybe husband told you because of friend's threats. Did they have a foursome?

My heart hurts so much for you and your daughter. I hope he has what it takes to restore--that he doesn't get tired of you grieving your losses, that he is willing to answer questions repeatedly, for years. I hope he finds some character, morals, integrity. Would he want his daughter to be treated like he has treated you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> The trust issue is the most difficult part. Once you’ve been touched by infidelity you don’t view your marriage the same way. The innocence is gone and it doesn’t come back — and it shouldn’t. If you stay, you’ll have to build a new marriage and it will be different from the old marriage.


Yes some do reconcile but it can never be the same. Something very special has been lost. That's why I hate adultery, especially when children are involved, its just so appallingly selfish. :frown2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rikkai said:


> Thank you for that-those are the same questions I wondered! I keep trying to put myself in his shoes and understand how the hell do you stay the night if you were feeling guilty, not drop after several opportunities, take me to same bar, etc. But none of it makes sense and it's bull****. I asked him again last night and he said he prayed on and it and took him a while to try to feel like he could forgive himself but he felt her didn't want this to take power over our relationship and wanted us to go back to one of our favorite places and not ruin. Again, I feel that's illogical and bull****. He said we won't have to go back and he won't hang out with said friend anymore if that's what it takes.


Really sorry you had to find out at New Year too!
You do not owe your ****ty H anything at this time. You do not have to answer all the questions at this time.
You need space and time away from him. He did what he did because he wanted to and he had opportunity. To stay over was a really awful thing to do in the first place and shows a total lack of character on his part and a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. He made that choice, drinking is not an excuse.

To indirectly blame shift that the marriage was bad is another ****ty thing to do. Did he ever bring up the fact that the marriage was bad for him, I bet not, so this is just an indirect excuse on his part. He says he does not blame you but by saying the marriage is bad, means he is not taking full responsibility for his actions at all.

Tell him to move into another bedroom. You are in flight and fight mode now, totally devastated and part of you is angry and terribly hurt. Do NOT make decisions when you are feeling this way. You need to really think things through. Rely on your friends and family and tell them all. Expose him for what he has done, a bit of shame will help remind him of the seriousness of this matter.

I would suggest you do not go to therapy with him. Let him sort out his own ****. I would suggest you go to therapy alone to work through your own feelings. You have a kid and many stay for the kid. I did, my kids were young. Do I regret staying, not in the grand scheme of things. Do I love him the same way? Absolutely not and never will again. Let that sink in. You can build a good and fulfilling marriage but you will never completely trust him again (which is a wise thing with any human being) and you will not look at him the same way again.

Unless he does all the work necessary to regain your trust and does not hide anything, then you may have a chance. The fact he went ahead had a kid and lied to your face every day for over 2 years is worrying. He did not give you the opportunity to make a decision about whether you wanted to build a life with him knowing what you know now. Please think about that. In other words he did what benefited him.

He also has to realize that in the future, nights out drinking are off the table, there is not trust. That is if you do decide to stay with him.

Do not rush into anything, just take one day at a time. Do not succumb to pressure from him either.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I will give my two cents. 

Your husband told you because of the guilt he felt since this happened. Most cheaters do not confess. 

He knows he can lose you because of his actions. Still he told you. 

Have him take a polygraph if you want to know if he has told the truth. 

He was so wrong not to walk away when everything start.

This is your decision to make. I would suggest waiting a few weeks before making one. Let yourself calm down some before doing so. If you know at that time that you can not get past this then divorce. I don’t think I could stay if my wife cheated on me. 

I would suggest divorcing any way and go from there. Your marriage ended when he cheated. Even if you can forgive and move on make him prove that this is what he wants. Make him date you again and win your heart back. Then a second marriage if he proves himself.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

That's good advice ABHale! 

I would ask what has he done since New Years to show remorse?

Honestly if you just decide you can't handle he cheated period there is nothing he can do to fix it. The poly would help confirm what happened and if anything had happened since that time.

If he can pass that and if he is truly remorseful and has put you in the drivers seat then there is a reasonable chance IF you are able to give him that chance.

He gave up all his rights, you're in control right now so it's your call.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Bremik said:


> The poly would help confirm what happened and if anything had happened since that time.
> 
> If he can pass that and if he is truly remorseful and has put you in the drivers seat then there is a reasonable chance IF you are able to give him that chance.


Agree that threatening poly is a good idea, but more for the parking lot confession, actually even setting up and going through with the poly isn't all that necessary.

Just find the right day, before bed, tell him he is taking a poly tomorrow morning or its over, then arrive to parking lot 30 mins early before the "appointment". He will change his story and give you more trickle truth or possibly admit PA.

Don't give him much advanced warning this is whats happening.


Staying all night at someone's house and he did nothing, you realize someone would need to be insane to believe that right?


He knows who this woman is and should tell you who she is. Check is his facebook activity log from around that time, he probably searched for her and it will record it in the log unless he intentionally cleared it.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

Interesting and sad. I agree with other posters and see that him telling you he cheated without prompting as a positive. In saying that he owes you big time and you have every right to leave him if you so choose. 
I wish my wife was as honest as your husband. I also wish I had the courage to leave, which I do not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kettle said:


> telling you he cheated without prompting as a positive.


Only on a marriage site could you have someone post the words "telling you he cheated" in any context as a "positive".


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Sokillme how else would that be viewed? You can go to the singles section on here and find people talking that nobody is perfect. A bulk of the negative discussions on here are about people lying or not being transparent. No what he did is not ok and needs dealt with but OP never would have known if he hadn't told her. Some form of honesty is what a lot of people crave and don't get on here, she at least got a nugget. OP has invested in this marriage and was happy until this - understandably.

When any level of mistake is made acknowledging that mistake especially without coercion, polygraph threat or in this case "being found out" is one big step forward. There are certainly many more things to sift through to determine if true remorse and willingness to fix this exist. First and foremost would be if the OP with this initial information even can proceed-


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

OP to date your husband has offered up major things- he told you about it when you never would have known otherwise. He has come up with good starting actions of willing to go to counseling, not hanging out with those friends, not drinking etc. Again, you didn't tell him or coerce him into these actions, he offered them up.

He is trying. Maybe there is more to the story but that has to be figured out. You do hurt and that is very allowed as is how you want to deal with it. So what do YOU want? The alternative to all this would have been even if he still told you initially, he could have blamed you for everything, been unwilling to do anything, you would be jumping through all the hoops trying to get him to do SOMETHING. He is making effort. Your anger and hurt is justified to no end. But what do You want or need right now?

You have a long way to go just for your own healing. Look around on this site so much of what's on here is about omission, lying, covering up, inaction, blame shifting on and on. At least initially your husband isn't doing that. What do YOU want or need from him right now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Only on a marriage site could you have someone post the words "telling you he cheated" in any context as a "positive".


No. Only on a site made of a wide variety of different, normal human beings would you find that some people praise honesty over deception and deceit.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Only on a marriage site could you have someone post the words "telling you he cheated" in any context as a "positive".


Only in infidelity land and it is a positive where cheating has occurred.

Doing something vile and destructive is bad of course, owning it and not making excuses at least is grown up behavior and accepting responsibility.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> No. Only on a site made of a wide variety of different, normal human beings would you find that some people praise honesty over deception and deceit.


One truth over months and months of deceit.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's important to consider the possibility that he confessed 'spontaneously' because someone threatened to out him. It's common.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I hope things are OK for @rikkai. She hasn't been back on TAM in 10 days. Would be a nice feature for TAM if there was a reference to when OP was last "on the scene."


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> I hope things are OK for @rikkai. She hasn't been back on TAM in 10 days. Would be a nice feature for TAM if there was a reference to when OP was last "on the scene."


Click on their name.
Check underneath their username on their profile page.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Click on their name.
> Check underneath their username on their profile page.


Right, that's how I got the 10 days info. I was suggesting it would be nice if that were embedded in the thread somehow.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I always wonder if the poster is a cheater, or whatever negative topic is at hand, when they go right to the insults because someone disagrees with their “it’s only one time” opinion.
> 
> The only thing disturbing is how flippant you are about how another person feels about cheating. Just because you feel one affair is way better than two or more doesn’t make it correct.


*REDACTED BY MODERATOR. Please keep political posts where they belong. In the Politics section.*


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