# Unsure



## Wonderingone (Sep 21, 2017)

My wife and I have been married a few years. Our relationship was good until about a year ago after our child was born. What was once great had quickly started to deteriorate. About 6 months ago I was told that she was having an affair with a coworker. They were spending a lot of time together during work hours and after confronted she said she would no longer have contact with him. Well that happened at least 2 more times after I was told there would be no more communication each time even being caught over at his house the last time. He told his wife they slept together, but she to this day denies anything like that happened. Of course this brought a lot of trust issues into the relationship and has caused a lot of arguments and stress since it's difficult to go on without any answers. Things were getting better for awhile, but now seem worse than ever. She told me she wants to divorce me, but after she met with a lawyer she says she doesn't. Now she is going out to the bar with male coworkers 1-2x per week, stopped wearing her engagement ring, and is acting like she would rather not have me around. I've never been unfaithful and while far from perfect really did not do anything to deserve this. We have a one year old child, and while I would like nothing more than to raise him together with her I fear this may no longer possible since she just seems checked out of the marriage. We are going to counseling still, but I am unsure if things will ever change or get better no matter how hard I try. I am just really torn on if I should keep working at this, or if it's time to give up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You realize she went to the lawyer and after she was told that she would not be able to take you to the cleaners so therefore she decided that the best venue for her would be just party and let you live as a cockold husband....this what you need to do, file for divorce have her served in front of everyone and watch the fireworks...its time to get a backbone....


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

She checked out of the marriage and now thinks of herself more than anyone else. Going out to bars involves meeting men and wanting a romantic or physical relationship with them.

You can't love anyone back into loving and being true to you. So forget about that or being a better husband for now. When a third party is influencing your marriage, anything you do (including counseling) to try to influence her to end this playing around is wasted time and money. Even if she isn't hooking up emotionally or physically with any guys, her girlfriends serve as "third parties."

The main question is, if she won't be faithful to you, what do you want?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

Gtfo


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Did you read your own post?

Why aren't you divorcing her like yesterday? 

She doesn't want to be married to you, she wants to be married to security so she can go live like a teenager.

You need to grow some big, brass balls.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wonderingone said:


> My wife and I have been married a few years. Our relationship was good until about a year ago after our child was born. What was once great had quickly started to deteriorate. About 6 months ago I was told that she was having an affair with a coworker. They were spending a lot of time together during work hours and after confronted she said she would no longer have contact with him. Well that happened at least 2 more times after I was told there would be no more communication each time even being caught over at his house the last time. He told his wife they slept together, but she to this day denies anything like that happened. Of course this brought a lot of trust issues into the relationship and has caused a lot of arguments and stress since it's difficult to go on without any answers. Things were getting better for awhile, but now seem worse than ever. She told me she wants to divorce me, but after she met with a lawyer she says she doesn't. Now she is going out to the bar with male coworkers 1-2x per week, stopped wearing her engagement ring, and is acting like she would rather not have me around. I've never been unfaithful and while far from perfect really did not do anything to deserve this. We have a one year old child, and while I would like nothing more than to raise him together with her I fear this may no longer possible since she just seems checked out of the marriage. We are going to counseling still, but I am unsure if things will ever change or get better no matter how hard I try. I am just really torn on if I should keep working at this, or if it's time to give up.


She does not want the divorce because she will lose out, help her along, go file for divorce, you deserve more than this **** fest. Take control back and let her have want she wants. Make sure you get a good lawyer, stop the counselling sessions and keep your money, she does not deserve your attendance at counselling.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Anyway you roll the dice, you are nothing more than her proverbial "Plan B!"

Since there is a child between you to speak of right now, it is highly unlikely that, other than for child support, she can't get crap out of you. Go for primary child custody and divorce her skanky a$$!

Time for you to go visit a good family attorney to fastly and completely appraise you of all of your legal custodial and property rights! And have your MD check you out to insure that her BF's haven't already blessed you with "the gift that keeps on giving!"

Lose her like the damned plague!*


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

hi we all get it. You want to try to stay in the marriage for the child and you love or loved her. Thing is though she doesn't love you and as others have said you are plan B, the meal ticket. You are subsidizing her activities which are I am sure causing you a ton of pain. She is being selfish and now you have to take care of yourself. Hence you need to leave my friend.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So knowing she wants to divorce you but after consulting with a lawyer decided it was to her advantage to continue to allow you to pay her way, why haven't you consulted with a lawyer yet yourself? Is it because of the baby? Cheating wife + baby = dna test needed.


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## Wonderingone (Sep 21, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Anyway you roll the proverbial dice, you are nothing more than her proverbial "Plan B!"
> 
> Since there are no kids to speak of right now and it is highly unlikely that she can't get crap out of you, divorce her skanky a$$!
> 
> ...


 We do have a child together, which is the only reason I have made it this long. If that wasn't the case I would have been long gone. I just really don't want to miss out on seeing him grow up at all. I was raised in a split family and didn't want to do that to my child. She has actually said that she wouldn't want anything from me when she was talking about divorce before. She makes quite a bit more than I do as well. It's just tough to throw any chance away since she never admitted to anything and says she's just going out with her friends.


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## Wonderingone (Sep 21, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> So knowing she wants to divorce you but after consulting with a lawyer decided it was to her advantage to continue to allow you to pay her way, why haven't you consulted with a lawyer yet yourself? Is it because of the baby? Cheating wife + baby = dna test needed.


 I had met with a lawyer as well a bit ago. She actually pays for as much if not more than I do, but probably realized she would lose out on a lot if she filed. I have another child from a previous relationship to consider too, since I would quite possibly have to move to a different school district if we divorce.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I find it interesting when a person props up their child as the reason to tolerate the intolerable.

Why do you love yourself so little that you are willing to live like this?


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## Wonderingone (Sep 21, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> I find it interesting when a person props up their child as the reason to tolerate the intolerable.
> 
> Why do you love yourself so little that you are willing to live like this?


 I guess because the marriage was great not all that long ago that I still remember that feeling. She is also a great mom to our kid, and I had always hoped to be able to raise a family together instead of separately like I previously did, and how I was raised. This whole situation has just caused me to go into a depression and I often tell myself maybe I don't deserve any better


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You still CAN have a great marriage and a loving home in which to raise your children, just not with her.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

That feeling was not real. She isn't the person you thought she was and you can't pretend she is.

Your kid will turn out much better knowing his father did the right thing.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I find it interesting when a person props up their child as the reason to tolerate the intolerable.
> 
> Why do you love yourself so little that you are willing to live like this?


Beat me to it


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Wonderingone said:


> I guess because the marriage was great not all that long ago that I still remember that feeling. She is also a great mom to our kid, and I had always hoped to be able to raise a family together instead of separately like I previously did, and how I was raised. This whole situation has just caused me to go into a depression and I often tell myself maybe I don't deserve any better


She has shown you who she is. It is up to you to believe her, to your own detriment.

The reason she is not divorcing you is because she knows that financially she will get wrecked.

And Wondering? Great mothers don't cheat on their children's fathers.

Love and respect yourself enough to not remain in this situation. Love and respect your child enough to show that this is not an acceptable situation for their own future relationship. Like it or not, our children will model their marriage off of the one they see their parents have. Is that what you want?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Wonderingone said:


> I guess because the marriage was great


You thought it was great.

You don't know how she felt.

File for divorce and get as much custody as you can.

Protect your money as well.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Wonderingone said:


> I guess because the marriage was great not all that long ago that I still remember that feeling. She is also a *great mom to our kid,* and I had always hoped to be able to raise a family together instead of separately like I previously did, and how I was raised. This whole situation has just caused me to go into a depression and I often tell myself maybe I don't deserve any better


I struggle with this statement when it's used as justification. A great mom would not treat the father of her child with such disregard. I think one's ability to parent is not the best criterion for how great a spouse one is.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

That was then, this is now... and the now seems to have you viewing yourself in a place you cannot lift yourself out of.

This is truth you find yourself in, and it may be your truth at the present, but there are many other truths to choose from.

Perhaps you should think about how standards for a "great mom" really measures in your life .

You can do this without judgement, look at them as values you would list in a partner and write them down without thinking of your current partner.

If your values do not align where you currently are, and your partner is not willing to change behaviors, you have your answer.

By the way... she loves herself less than you can imagine, her ripples are unmindfully keeping you from seeing the clear answers under the surface of the life you need to see. Once you remove the disruption, you will be able to see much deeper for the love you need for yourself.

Would it make any difference to you if the baby was not yours? If she is unfaithful the chances are this was happening much earlier than you were aware. For some it matters greatly, for others very little... her disconnect with you has many reasons in her mind, allow her to own them.

You can only own you, and in this is your best control for your life.

If you file, you can always rescind it if the marriage improves, but you may have to simply as others point out... love yourself more.

You won't find a better path.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

She decided she didn't want that divorce after all? That's because her attorney informed her that, as she makes more than you do, she would likely end up owing you child support, and maybe even alimony. There's an old expression regarding divorcing one's wife: "It's cheaper to keep 'er!". Well, in this case, for her, 'It's cheaper to keep _him_'. So, she's keeping you - for now. 

Also, if she wants to party all the time, chances are she may not want to be a full time, or even half-time, single mommy to a young child. Talk to your attorney about the possibility of getting more than 50% physical custody of your child.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Wonderingone said:


> We do have a child together, which is the only reason I have made it this long. If that wasn't the case I would have been long gone. I just really don't want to miss out on seeing him grow up at all. I was raised in a split family and didn't want to do that to my child. She has actually said that she wouldn't want anything from me when she was talking about divorce before. She makes quite a bit more than I do as well. It's just tough to throw any chance away since she never admitted to anything and says she's just going out with her friends.


Divorce, go for full custody and alimony/child support. File today.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Wonderingone said:


> I guess because the marriage was great not all that long ago that I still remember that feeling. She is also a great mom to our kid, and I had always hoped to be able to raise a family together instead of separately like I previously did, and how I was raised. This whole situation has just caused me to go into a depression and I often tell myself maybe I don't deserve any better


Great moms don't do what your W is doing.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

No much to add except to add to the many voices saying look out for yourself and child and get away from your "wife".

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get a spiral notebook, go back to the first instance, and fill in everything she has done - and NOT done (being there for her child) - in that notebook, all the way up to today. Take that back with you to the lawyer and tell him you want to fight for full custody. She'll probably let you at this point.


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