# Crazy jealous



## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

I'm new to the forums, I have just recently been having problems in my relationship and stumbled upon this site. It looked like a place where I could at least get a wide variety of opinions.

My fiance and I are about to get married this year and I couldn't be happier. Then I found out that he recently met a friend through an online iPad game who happened to be a girl. I was a little jealous at first but it seemed to just be friendly messaging back and forth in the game and he was open about it and said she knew about our upcoming wedding and even gave a suggestion of where we could go on our honeymoon.

Then one night I woke up (he works nights and I work days and I sometimes wake up when he gets home and is watching tv) to find the tv on but he was no where to be found. I went upstairs to find him on the computer. He was all jumpy and then confessed he was adding someone to his email from the game. The girl he'd told me about. I was immediately upset and jealous.

I tried to calm down and told him I wasn't that comfortable with him sending private emails to a girl. He said that I could read them because he wasn't hiding anything and asked what he could do to make me feel comfortable about it. So I told him point blank that I wasn't comfortable with them exchanging intimate farewells (sweet dreams, thinking of you, etc) or pet names (baby, sweetheart, sexy, gorgeous, etc). He said he would stop it if it got to that point but reiterated that it was harmless.

Curiosity got the better of me and I snooped in the game and his emails. Everytime I see a post from her I get jealous, they seem to delete their messages in-game to eachother and sometimes what is left up looks suspicious. I told him this on a few occasions and that I was uncomfortable with how flirty she was being. A few samples of what she wrote in-game:


ok. I thought the other might work but it doesn't. I still miss you . xx
I guess I maybe got it wrong...sorry
let me know when you want me  xx

He said I was being annoying because I kept bringing it up and that I didn't trust him. I tried to tell him that these messages whether innocent or not, looked bad to me and made me feel uncomfortable. He said I didn't trust him and that he's let me look at his email and be in the game and asked what else he can do to make me stop bugging him about it.

I feel like I'm the bad guy trying to get between their friendship which could very well be innocent but at the same time, I can't shake my jealous feelings. The last one in that list sent me over the edge, I couldn't believe that he didn't see that it was innapporpriate. Isn't it? Am I just being crazy jealous? Should I leave them be because he has a hard time making friends? I don't want to force him not to talk with her because then he'll resent me but the fact that he keeps talking to her tears me apart, my heart aches and my stomach is upset almost all the time.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Is his friend married?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

he is living on the edge IMO....if you are uncomfortable, he should stop...is the only way he knows this girl through the game?


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I would say that it sounds like it could easily become the beginning of something. Whether that takes a week or 2 years...I dunno. But if he knows that she enjoys him being around and you guys have troubles come up - he's probably going to go to her for "female advice" and then the next thing you know you can't give him what she can and he's gone....


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

He doesn't know if she is married because she never mentions anything like that. She is around our age and lives in the next province over from us (We live in Canada). He met her through the game only. This is just the begining of their friendship but with her comments to him, I can already picture this spiraling out of control.

If I ask him to stop talking with her, will he not become resentful of me? I've told him how much the messages hurt me and all he says is that he has tried everything to make me comfortable with the situation by letting me read his email and go into the game and complains that I don't trust him.

I've tried asking him if I'm not making him feel needed or wanted but he says that's not it and they are just friends. I've tried telling him what would make me comfortable when he communicates with her and he gets defensive, saying he doesn't tell me how to talk to people. I've tried telling him how the messages look to me and how they make me feel and he accuses me of not trusting him and that he would trust me if he found messages like that from a guy in my email.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I love him with all my heart and even though we are still physical regularly and he does talk to me, I still feel like I'm losing a part of him. The more I pry the more I self-fulfill the prophecy of him running to her for "comfort".

And the running to her for female advice is exactly what I'm afraid of. In cyber land she is perfect, she can look like however he wants her to look like, she always says the perfect thing and the flirting makes him feel good about himself (I'm assuming, he won't admit she's flirting, he claims the last comment in my list was probably just because they didn't get to chat the night before)


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## CuriousQualities (Apr 17, 2011)

I find that the majority of affairs start without original intent. In that the beginning is what you've listed, where he doesn't see it as anything more than a friendship and joy over a game but after that develops into a closer friendship can become the beginnings to an affair. Primarily if you are having issues and he starts to talk to her about those problems, it's often considered an 'emotional affair.' Which in some ways is worse than a physical one and can certainly be a precursor to the physical. 

From the very small snippet you've given, it looks very much like he's communicating from a friendly, 'normal' perspective however her replies are clearly flirtatious. (It would be easier to gauge it if we saw more.)

As such I think if you're feeling uncomfortable with this, which you are in right to however don't want to cut the friendship off completely for fear of resentment. You could ask him to point this factor out to her and tell her to stop the flirtatious attitude. At least that gives him the level of control to put a stop to that side and should be a clear indicator to the girl that it is to stop, so long as he does it properly. 

It doesn't have to be a huge issue but something along the lines of; 'I know it's probably your natural mannerism but some of your responses are coming over flirtatious or a little forward and that is making myself and my fiancee' uncomfortable.' Etc.

It's generally a mature way of explaining this discomfort and as long as it is entirely plutonic on both sides, shouldn't be an issue to bring up for either your fiance or the girl. 

It might also be a good idea to back off a little. I know how hard this one can be, I have a lot of jealousy and trust issues and know that sometimes you feel the need to just keep pressing until you get answers, particularly the answers you want. 

However I've also discovered in doing this that I've caused large wedges to form in my relationship which can sometimes lead to your spouse going to that next step, of looking for relationship advice or just a vent to the person you are uncomfortable with.

You complain to him about talking to her, get frustrated and have an argument. He goes to play his game to calm down and vent, she comes online, he vents to her. This creates a connection that excludes you entirely which can lead to future problems especially if she has the desire to follow him further.

Take control of this by not allowing it to happen in the first place. Back off a bit, explain your position but don't press him, show some trust and respect towards him and you might be surprised. 
I did this with my wife when we were going through issues and in turn she completely surprised me. While I was pressing her she pushed back and told me to back off etc. She continued talking to people I felt uncomfortable with. Upon reflection I stopped and fell back a bit, after a short while of giving her that space and respect she paid it back in turn by completely stopping talking to the people I was uncomfortable with.

Sometimes when we push, we end up just pushing them further away and closer to the people that we fear originally. Take a step back and give him some space and trust to make the right decisions himself.

From what you've said, he's at the very least trying to make you feel more comfortable rather than blowing you off saying it's ridiculous and carrying on regardless which is a much more common response. You are aware of their friendship of it so you can be mindful of it and aware of it. Of course if things change, you can take steps, just try not to jump the gun too early as you might cause problems when there was no reason to in the first place. 

Good luck anyway, you obviously care a lot about him and remember, he's asked you to marry him, he loves you deeply, people enjoy friendships but you have a lot more going in your favour than some person in a game. You really don't have to feel threatened; we just often hear so many negative stories about marriage it almost feels like it has to happen and paranoia can easily take over and get the better of us.


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

CuriousQualities said:


> I find that the majority of affairs start without original intent. In that the beginning is what you've listed, where he doesn't see it as anything more than a friendship and joy over a game but after that develops into a closer friendship can become the beginnings to an affair. Primarily if you are having issues and he starts to talk to her about those problems, it's often considered an 'emotional affair.' Which in some ways is worse than a physical one and can certainly be a precursor to the physical.
> 
> From the very small snippet you've given, it looks very much like he's communicating from a friendly, 'normal' perspective however her replies are clearly flirtatious. (It would be easier to gauge it if we saw more.)
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. The problem is that is really all I can show you. They both delete their messages right away so I don't get to see what his responses are like. I guess I just wanted proof that it was innocent on his end and he wasn't responding to the flirtatious messages.

As much as it's hard for me, I'm going to try and take your advice and back off for a while. I hope it works. I just thought talking about it was the way to go so that my emotions don't get bottled up and then explode but you're right it is pushing him away and that is the last thing that I want.


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## CuriousQualities (Apr 17, 2011)

You can still talk to him, just don't be so heavy about it, don't let your emotions bottle up too much, that's not healthy and you should be able to talk to him about that as well. Just try not to be too pushy about it.

Also if they're deleting their messages, yes this can be suspicious but it can also be very normal. I delete the majority of things on my computer, cookies, temp files etc. Purely to keep things clean.

The point on this however is that although it could be him hiding something. It might also be nothing and in the majority of cases if we are already paranoid, we start to look for problems. In which case when we find small snippets of information that can potentially be read in that light, we see it that way. Our perception is blurred because we were already looking for something in particular. In your case, you were looking for 'evidence.' So when you find something that can potentially be 'dodgy.' You perceive it to be so instead of thinking on it in a more rational light.

You might not be wrong but it's very common that we are, so it's good that you've looked for some advice. Again, I'm all too well versed in how the fog of perception can ruin things when in reality there was nothing really there at all. 

Just be careful when you're looking at these things that you're not finding something which isn't actually there.


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

If he's deleting only the messages to/from her then I would be suspicious. If it's everything then...I'd still be suspicious - but not enough to rage  Unless he's always erased everything since you've known him.

I agree with the poster who said that things like this start out innocent with no real intent to do anything. If he has nothing to hide then perhaps he'd be willing to not delete those messages if you asked him. Then it would be transparent in that regard.


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

daison said:


> If he's deleting only the messages to/from her then I would be suspicious. If it's everything then...I'd still be suspicious - but not enough to rage  Unless he's always erased everything since you've known him.
> 
> I agree with the poster who said that things like this start out innocent with no real intent to do anything. If he has nothing to hide then perhaps he'd be willing to not delete those messages if you asked him. Then it would be transparent in that regard.


He deletes some but not all from others but always deletes hers. I've snooped on her wall and she seems to mainly delete messages from my fiancé. He claims it's because they don't want other players to read them. I just feel left out. If he'd met this friend from work or something, at least I could suggest meeting her and getting to know her. This way it just feels like a part of his life that I am shut out from. I've realized from this experience that part of the problem may be my low self-esteem that is making me suspect the worst. I'm going to see a counsellor about it. I hope it will help a bit and let me have the confidence to back off a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

littlegirlblue said:


> He deletes some but not all from others but always deletes hers. I've snooped on her wall and she seems to mainly delete messages from my fiancé. He claims it's because they don't want other players to read them. I just feel left out. If he'd met this friend from work or something, at least I could suggest meeting her and getting to know her. This way it just feels like a part of his life that I am shut out from. I've realized from this experience that part of the problem may be my low self-esteem that is making me suspect the worst. I'm going to see a counsellor about it. I hope it will help a bit and let me have the confidence to back off a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds like a case of "just friends" that may be an emotional affair. Pressuring him or snooping will definitely make the problem worse, as I can tell you from experience. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, but he may be going to this other woman because he feels you are too clingy. That is what happened with me and what I did was to work on myself to be a more appetizing prospect that the other person. Going to a counsellor is a good start but it may help you to also either a) Read up about marriage & relationships or b) enrol in a marriage program. Enrolling in Marriage Fitness was the key for me, and perhaps it may be the program for you too -> Emotional Infidelity . Your husband is clearly engaging in behaviour that is damaging your relationship and while he is to blame for that behaviour, the only thing you can change is yourself and the dynamics you bring to the relationship. A marriage is two people 'relating to each other' and it only takes change in one person to alter the dynamic. You can either be pro-active or let your marriage deteriorate down the current path.

Hope my advice was helpful


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

I think you should tell him to stop contacting that friend if he wants to marry you! This is disrespectiful!

He should make you comfortable


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

She said "...I miss you?!" No. It should end now. It has already become inappropriate. No excuses. If your F values your relationship, this will not be a big deal. It ends.


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I have a counselling session booked for today in the afternoon. I really hope it helps.

The problem is, if I tell him to stop talking with her it could damage our relationship just as much as him talking to her has. I need to find a way to talk with him about this and not make him defensive. I clearly haven't been able to do that and her inappropriate messages keep coming. Just yesterday she wrote:


miss you and could use one of your hugs

There is no way they've had contact, I know that it just means writing *hugs* but it still hurts. What hurts more is that I've told him the comments make me uncomfortable and that I'd feel better if he politely told her to stop but he hasn't. He doesn't seem to reciprocate the flirty messages (that I know of, like I said they delete a lot of their communications) but it hurts that he doesn't discourage it either (again, that I know of). 

I didn't confront him about that last message. I've been trying to keep an eye out because I'm worried it will escalate more but I just didn't want us to fight again. If I keep pushing it, he will draw even further away from me and, I fear, closer to her. 

I hate what this has turned me into, a jealous, untrusting, spying person. That is not who I used to be. I was actually gaining a lot of self-confidence lately because I was getting in shape and losing weight and improving my diet but this experience has shattered a lot of the confidence that took me so long to build up. That's why I want to go into counselling, I want to try and improve myself again in the hopes that it will improve our relationship.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

This behavior is NOT okay with me. Not now not ever. This is a dealbreaker for me and I'd walk. I'd be grateful I found this out before I married such a man. I know I deserve better why don't you?


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

If I were receiving messages like the ones you describe, my wife wouldn't have to ask me to cease communications with the person. It would be instantaneous. Working on yourself is great, but it's not going to help him to see that this sort of communication is totally inappropriate.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

luckyman said:


> If I were receiving messages like the ones you describe, my wife wouldn't have to ask me to cease communications with the person. It would be instantaneous. Working on yourself is great, but it's not going to help him to see that this sort of communication is totally inappropriate.


You are like my husband. Once there was a woman who started calling my husband (she was widowed - her dh died in the line of work - police officer). At first dh was helpful but then he began to feel as if she were crossing that line like she was looking for something more. He told me about it and said while he felt bad for her he felt he needed to back away. It didn't even get to the part where I was jealous as he stopped it way before it got to that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It's highly inappropriate. He needs to end it. And the guy with the little kids avatar is pretty smart, but I HATE it when the advice implies that it is your problem and you need to fix yourself. You can be the perfect SO, but you will never be his new squeeze again.


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

Now you guys are making me jealous. lol.

I wish my fiance could see how inappropriate those messages are and how hurtful they are to me but he feels as though because he is letting me see them he is being open and honest about it and makes me feel like the bad guy because I don't trust him. I usually end up apologizing for bringing it up and being untrusting.


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

He's not letting you see all of them if he's deleting the ones to prevent "other players" from seeing them.

If she is saying she could use one of his *hugs* then I would naturally assume he's been sending her *hugs* and that alone would be cause for me to raise some hell :/


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Most affairs do start without intent of getting involved with someone else. It just sorta happens. Since their relationship makes you uncomfortable, he should stop talking to her, plain and simple. You NEED to tell him to end it with her.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

littlegirlblue said:


> Now you guys are making me jealous. lol.
> 
> I wish my fiance could see how inappropriate those messages are and how hurtful they are to me but he feels as though because he is letting me see them he is being open and honest about it and makes me feel like the bad guy because I don't trust him. I usually end up apologizing for bringing it up and being untrusting.


You don't need to apologize for anything, as his behaviour is totally unacceptable. HOWEVER, if your spouse doesn't hear it the first time he is not going to hear it. To quote Mort Fertel, "Your spouse will change at one time and one time only: When it is THEIR idea." The only thing that might help is to write him a letter stating what you feel - and only that. Try not to use accusatory language, as people get defensive when they feel they are being attacked. ie. "I feel really uncomfortable with this situation...." not "You really upset me when you do this". That MAY help, but if it doesn't then stop. Nothing further you say will be able to get through to him. 

Unfortunately he is being a very neglectful and selfish spouse at the moment and all that can be done is to analyze your role in the marriage. What can you do better? How can you be more involved in his life & interests? I know how easy it is to point the finger but that will get you nowhere. I wish it was as easy as pointing the finger but very few people are self-aware enough to stop damaging behaviour just because their spouse says so. I truly feel the best way to reconcile a marriage is to becoming a phenomenal spouse yourself, which will set an example to your husband and only then will he start to feel guilty and stop the contact with this other woman, and then he will beg for forgiveness and realise the errors of his ways and aspire to be more like you because of the example you have set. It may sound paradoxical, and I am not implying that his damaging behaviours are your problem, but I'm being a realist. The realism is that you are only in control of your contribution to the marriage, and that is all you can change. I believe he is being extremely selfish and is cheating on you, but you cannot change him no matter what words you use (especially if he doesn't hear you the first time or with the letter idea), but you can inspire him to change by setting an example of how to be a phenomenal spouse. For lasting love and reconciliation, I believe that is your only choice. Alternatively, you can walk away or try to talk him into changing but I wouldn't recommend it. But whatever you choose I'm happy to offer advice 

Take care


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## littlegirlblue (Apr 18, 2011)

Ser Pounce-A-Lot said:


> You don't need to apologize for anything, as his behaviour is totally unacceptable. HOWEVER, if your spouse doesn't hear it the first time he is not going to hear it. To quote Mort Fertel, "Your spouse will change at one time and one time only: When it is THEIR idea." The only thing that might help is to write him a letter stating what you feel - and only that. Try not to use accusatory language, as people get defensive when they feel they are being attacked. ie. "I feel really uncomfortable with this situation...." not "You really upset me when you do this". That MAY help, but if it doesn't then stop. Nothing further you say will be able to get through to him.
> 
> Unfortunately he is being a very neglectful and selfish spouse at the moment and all that can be done is to analyze your role in the marriage. What can you do better? How can you be more involved in his life & interests? I know how easy it is to point the finger but that will get you nowhere. I wish it was as easy as pointing the finger but very few people are self-aware enough to stop damaging behaviour just because their spouse says so. I truly feel the best way to reconcile a marriage is to becoming a phenomenal spouse yourself, which will set an example to your husband and only then will he start to feel guilty and stop the contact with this other woman, and then he will beg for forgiveness and realise the errors of his ways and aspire to be more like you because of the example you have set. It may sound paradoxical, and I am not implying that his damaging behaviours are your problem, but I'm being a realist. The realism is that you are only in control of your contribution to the marriage, and that is all you can change. I believe he is being extremely selfish and is cheating on you, but you cannot change him no matter what words you use (especially if he doesn't hear you the first time or with the letter idea), but you can inspire him to change by setting an example of how to be a phenomenal spouse. For lasting love and reconciliation, I believe that is your only choice. Alternatively, you can walk away or try to talk him into changing but I wouldn't recommend it. But whatever you choose I'm happy to offer advice
> 
> Take care


Thank you that sounds like really good advice. Much better than what the counsellor offered which was basically to sit back and let what happens happen. I want to try and be a better partner because I want this relationship to work. I'm not sure about the letter though, he is not a big reader and bringing up the topic again will only upset him and get his defended up further. I don't want that to happen. 

I have tried using the "I feel" statements but he gets defensive and throws out the "you just don't trust me" statements. I try to say that I'm just telling him how the messages make me feel and he retorts with well Im telling you how I feel (that I don't trust him). I still feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation, especially after the counsellor appointment. I feel like I should just grow up, trust him and let him have this friend. The more I nag him about it the more he thinks I think so little of him that he will cheat just because a girl is flirting with him, which is what the counsellor suggested. I don't think that's healthy for a relationship. I just wish I knew how to communicate better with my fiancé. Every time I think I'm talking calmly and collected he gets defensive and turns everything around on me and I end up apologizing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

littlegirlblue said:


> Thank you that sounds like really good advice. Much better than what the counsellor offered which was basically to sit back and let what happens happen. I want to try and be a better partner because I want this relationship to work. I'm not sure about the letter though, he is not a big reader and bringing up the topic again will only upset him and get his defended up further. I don't want that to happen.
> 
> I have tried using the "I feel" statements but he gets defensive and throws out the "you just don't trust me" statements. I try to say that I'm just telling him how the messages make me feel and he retorts with well Im telling you how I feel (that I don't trust him). I still feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation, especially after the counsellor appointment. I feel like I should just grow up, trust him and let him have this friend. The more I nag him about it the more he thinks I think so little of him that he will cheat just because a girl is flirting with him, which is what the counsellor suggested. I don't think that's healthy for a relationship. I just wish I knew how to communicate better with my fiancé. Every time I think I'm talking calmly and collected he gets defensive and turns everything around on me and I end up apologizing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're welcome.  I'm glad it was able to help.

As hard as it is, I would not bring up the topic again. He is reacting the way he is because deep down he knows he is doing the wrong thing but he isn't self-aware enough to admit it. He's using your questioning (he would call it nagging) and lack of trust (which is absurd because how can you trust him when he is displaying untrustworthy behaviour?) as an excuse to delve deeper into this relationship with the other woman. The more you back off from the questioning the more space it will create for him to actual realize (and feel guilty) about what he is doing. But you shouldn't just back off and do nothing - that is the opposite of love (apathy). Work through your issues, become the great spouse you have the potential to be, gain self-confidence in the fact that if he continues this behaviour then he is missing out on the love that you can provide and will provide to someone else should he walk away.

Remember: He wants you to be the bad guy so he can justify to himself what he is doing (with some seriously twisted mental gymnastics). Don't give him that satisfaction.

Let me know if you need more help


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