# When reality sucks..



## Paperbag (Jun 13, 2012)

Hello everyone, I joined today looking for some advice/support.
Im coming up for 24, my husband is 35 and we have been married now for 6 years with two children together.

I find my husband to be very controlling, he does not like the people I choose to be friends with, resulting in me cutting all contact. He seem to think he is the wiser one out of us and tells me that they are no good for me, or taking me away from him.
I once had to give up my job because he didnt like the people working there. Its not like he tells me to specifically end my friendships/jobs but he make it extremely difficult for me which then makes me feel that just for the easier life I should forget about whatever it is he doesnt approve of.
I find myself lying to him about where I have been, what I have done, what I have bought just so I wont face any hassle.
I get moaned at if I am an hour extra in town, I am not even able to pop into a bar and have one drink to myself because for one ''he is stuck at home with the kids'' and two ''we dont have the money'' but he spends hours! in the pub when he goes into town and we would have the money for me to do it also if he didnt spend it all. You know several times I have had to ask a family member to bail me out with a weekly shop because he had spent all the money on things I dont wish to mention. 
I dont receive any affection, only when he wants to have sex with me and im just sick and tired of being cooped up in this house all day trying to get by when I would be better off if I was a single parent.
So leave you say! I tried once or twice, he threatened he would take it really badly and would go down hill etc.. He makes me feel sad for him that if I left him it would be my fault he is hurting so much.
I have tried speaking to him about his controlling ways and he doesnt seem to understand. I wonder to myself should I stay and try but I dont want to, all I dream of is being single, doing my own thing, when I want, how I want etc.. Do this mean I dont love him? 

I wonder whether he was my ''safeboat'' when I married him aged 18 or whether I have just changed or found myself as I have grown. I wonder whether I am over thinking things about him being controlling or is this what I am supposed to feel in a controlling relationship.

I feel very confused, I feel I really do want to seperate but I just cannot find the strenghth to do so, I dont know why.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I would recommend that you get some individual counseling to help you deal with this. This is very controlling behavior, and isolating you from friends is a real danger sign.

You are responsible for yourself, your own behavior, and your own emotions, and the same applies to him. You are not responsible for his emotions if you decide to separate.

Good luck! Lots of good folk on here, so I'm sure you'll get a wide variety of comments.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi Paperbag -- welcome to the site. There is a lot of good advice on here (I'm pretty new myself).

It sounds to me like you're wanting the young adulthood you never had. You married very young to a man considerably older than you. In some situations the age range doesn't make much of a difference, but in this case it's critical because your husband is in a totally different stage of life than you are. He's practically old enough to be your father -- IMO he sees you more as a daughter than a wife -- that would explain the lack of interest in sex and the need to control you.

You, on the other hand, have interests and needs appropriate for your age, and that's what he is trying to control.

Im sure you had your reasons for marrying someone so much older, but IMO this relationship isn't going to work due to the age difference.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You married at 18 which means when you were underage he was dating you. Lots of men who date underage girls do it because they want someone they can control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Eighteen is not under age, but I do agree with your larger point, Diwali. A 29-year old who is interested in an 18-year old has some issues.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Paperbag,

Listen to what you hear here.

are there any type of support services or shelters you could go to if you had to? What about family or friends?

Don't let him goad you into believing that he'll "gp downhill" if you leave. this is just another of his controlling tactics


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## Paperbag (Jun 13, 2012)

Here in the UK it is legal to marry at 18.
Our relationship started when I was 17, I had moved to this area due to reasons beyond my control. Upon meeting this man we had fallen pregnant within 6 months, we then married because he believed it was the best upbringing for a child, so we did 3 months after finding out about the pregnancy by this point I turned 18.
I ofcourse thought I was in love with him, considering my youth he was sort of like ''my hero'' at the time.
As I have aged I have realised that I was just a child still, I did not know what I wanted from life. I now realise like you say HiMaint57 that I am longing for the early adulthood I have missed out on/should be having.. 
I am finding the control very difficult, and I dont want to be aged 40 regretting about wasting my life.

Toffer, I do not have any support network around me. My family live around 50 miles away, unfortunatly I am unable to return to my hometown and I ofcourse dont have any friends around here because of the controlling behaviour I have experienced since moving to the area.

Thankyou all for your comments, it is much easier to understand/get my head around with a 3rd parties point of view at the situation.


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