# Partners, not Husband and Wife???



## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

It was November 2018, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
How would you respond to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It would depend on how it was said. Was she saying that she doesn't feel loved and that she feels like a partner? Or was it more that she was declaring that she doesn't love you anymore and just sees you as a partner?

Often the couples here do seem more like business partners working together to manage the business of the marriage. They work their jobs, raise their kids, do the chores, etc. to keep the marriage going. But the couple may not have much of an emotional connection. They sometimes seem like roommates rather than two people sharing an emotional connection. So in a case like that, if she said she feels like a partner, it would probably mean that it was time to take an honest, objective look at the marriage and the emotional connection we have. If we are treating each other as partners, then she's just stating a fact about the state of the marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jywilli69 said:


> It was November 2018, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
> How would you respond to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


“We are both ‘partners’ AND ‘husband and wife’.”


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

wilson said:


> It would depend on how it was said. Was she saying that she doesn't feel loved and that she feels like a partner? Or was it more that she was declaring that she doesn't love you anymore and just sees you as a partner?
> 
> Often the couples here do seem more like business partners working together to manage the business of the marriage. They work their jobs, raise their kids, do the chores, etc. to keep the marriage going. But the couple may not have much of an emotional connection. They sometimes seem like roommates rather than two people sharing an emotional connection. So in a case like that, if she said she feels like a partner, it would probably mean that it was time to take an honest, objective look at the marriage and the emotional connection we have. If we are treating each other as partners, then she's just stating a fact about the state of the marriage.


When I married my wife, she had a daughter and a job. After being married 3yrs, she hinted around about being a home maker, doing school activities and sports. I went back to Active Army July 2000 so she could do what she wanted to do. I became Medically retired from the Army Dec 2008 due to my 3 deployments to Iraq.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jywilli69 said:


> It was November 2018, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
> How would you respond to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


Make it official and divorce.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If she wanted to be husband and wife, find out what she wants changed. If she wants to be partners, that might be OK, but leaves you free to find a wife, or at least have a girlfrend.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

uhtred said:


> If she wanted to be husband and wife, find out what she wants changed. If she wants to be partners, that might be OK, but leaves you free to find a wife, or at least have a girlfrend.


 She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would immediately divorce her while letting her know that she was wrong, we were not partners.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, *but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy.* I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


The BOLDED is a huge red flag to me. Sounds like she is beginning to re-write the marital history. YOU need to make changes, not her....

I usually don't jump on this right away, but have you looked at her cell phone/online accounts? Any unusual "late nights"/"girls night out" type of things going on?

Suggest marriage counseling and she if she will go.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a hero.

Now the bad stuff:

What does your gut tell you about how your wife acted at the return of each of those tours ?

You got access to phone records?

Just saying ...... hope I'm way off base ...... but she is singing that song.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Edit: If my wife told me that I would hit the road instantly. If you start with all that shower attention, I want you to love me, I need you ,,,,,, trust me... you are FCKED BIG TIME.

Stand tall ..... and hit the road.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> It was *November 2018*, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
> How would you respond to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


It's April 2019.
Consult a lawyer. ASAP.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


She says she hasn't been happy for a long time but can't say why.?
You know you are not perfect and are willing to make changes.
She wants you to make changes but not herself. One sided partnership ?
How and what does she expect you to change if she doesn't know ?
Sounds like someone is trying to use baseless excuses to end the
relationship to me. 

In a marriage if people are unhappy then they work together to
fix the marriage. You want to do that but she does not. How does 
she expect you to change? Even in a business partnership if people 
are unhappy they work things out, or end the partnership.

Maybe it is time you show her you are ready to end the " partnership "
You have a right to be happy as well. If she is unhappy then let her 
go. She will most likely realize that she regrets leaving, most people 
do. Sometimes to late however.

A lawyer can help end the partnership if needed, and advise you 
about your rights.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but *she wants me to make changes* but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


What sort of changes does she want you to make?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> It was November 2018, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
> *How would you respond* to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


Personally, I wouldn't. Given that I don't understand what is meant by it, I would find out.

ETA: One observation. You post about one statement made quite some time ago. No background. She won't tell you what makes her unhappy. This may be. But, won't lie, it may not be. Might it be that she DOES and she HAS and you have not been able to listen to what she says since you can not sum it up in a check list form of an action plan? Is understanding actually possible?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Partnèrs work together married or not. If she wants you to change, tells you we are partners, won't give you a reason and won't/can't tell you why it is not a partnership, she's a dictator.


Now, you should give us reasons why she thinks this way. What did you do wrong? No marriage is perfect, but if you were abusive, cheated, aloof and you were deployed 3 tImes it does affect a marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you asked what does "partnering" mean in her mind?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Personally, I wouldn't. Given that I don't understand what is meant by it, I would find out.
> 
> ETA: One observation. You post about one statement made quite some time ago. No background. She won't tell you what makes her unhappy. This may be. But, won't lie, it may not be. Might it be that she DOES and she HAS and you have not been able to listen to what she says since you can not sum it up in a check list form of an action plan? Is understanding actually possible?



uummmm ..... an interesting viewpoint


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Interesting recipe:

Little marriage rewrite


jywilli69 said:


> *She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy*.


A dash of this


jywilli69 said:


> *I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself.*


And a large helping of this.


jywilli69 said:


> * I know that I am not perfect by any means.*


1) Check yourself - with out being "I'm not perfect", are you truly someone you would want to be with.
2) Check phone records
3) Check money usage by her
4) Check her routine (did she loose a ton of weight, gets dressed up when she used to not, seems too close to some male friends, etc.)
5) Contact a lawyer (wow I am cynical), find out your rights


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I prefer the term partner to husband and wife. Husband and wife has too often been used to label an unequal partnership. I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the subjects of this thread.

We have yet to get enough information to even understand what these terms mean to the couple here for help.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

If she says you are not husband and wife, its only a matter of time before it will be so in a court of law. If she ain't happy, shes not gonna stick around because AWALT. It could be a symptom of an affair which often illicits the 'Im not happy' response. Is your sex life non-existent?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I prefer the terms master and slave.

But I can't tell which one I am.

😉😉😉


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I prefer the term partner to husband and wife. Husband and wife has too often been used to label an unequal partnership. I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the subjects of this thread.
> 
> *We have yet to get enough information to even understand what these terms mean to the couple here for help.*


This seems to be the case to me as well. OP bear in mind that people's responses are influenced by their own experiences, infidelity being chief among the common experiences here. If you want help here, I would recommend more information.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

We have to make a lot of assumptions here based on what people write. From the little we know of you, I wonder if you're not a very expressive person. Your posts have been pretty short and to the point without a lot of emotional feeling. That kind of husband can often leave a wife not feeling loved. Your wife may need to get more validation of how much you care and how important the marriage is to you.

How different is your relationship from roommates? Roommates share a house, make dinner together, watch TV, etc., but it's at a more impersonal or friendship level. The relationship spouses have should be a lot closer and more emotional. In addition to all the roommate stuff, they should also share what they are feeling, their hopes and dreams, and also care deeply about the emotional well-being of their partner. If their partner is sad, they should want to do whatever they can to make their partner feel better. If that aspect is missing from your relationship, I'm not surprised that your wife is feeling distant and unhappy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> This seems to be the case to me as well. OP bear in mind that people's responses are influenced by their own experiences, infidelity being chief among the common experiences here. If you want help here, I would recommend more information.


I concur. I answered your question as posed to me and my marriage.

What can help is if we know what it means for yours.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Partners in life, partners in crime.

Much of 'both' of your lives were spent apart, due to your military service.

While apart, she felt you as her partner, a far away partner, not as a husband.

She felt you had abandoned her, during your deployments.

She has lost that closeness that husbands and wives feel. 

On paper you are married. The ink on that paper became blurred to her when she found herself alone.

As partners you did things for the good of your family, while together for each other.

She feels the military took her husband and left her with a paper partner. One who calls once in a while, one whose paycheck was deposited in the marital bank account.

Her ring reminds her she is/was married, your absence counter mandated that.

She has lost that loving feeling.....oh, ooh oh ooh...aay.

I too spent a lot of time away from the home due to the military. I was in the Reserves, my duty times were not as frequent and as long.

I experienced these same words at home.

She would say I am married to her and the military, with the military seen as more important to me. In her opinion.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOnYY9Mw2Fg




Now, that


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


Check your phone bill. 

ETA: I see others have beat me to it. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"I didn't marry someone just to be their 'partner'. I love you and want you to be happy, so I will immediately start the process to set you free."

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Retired Soldier here, brother. What condition medically retired you if you don't mind me asking?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Might this be a case for couples therapy? If she is unable to let you know what the problem is, I don't see how its possible to fix it. 




jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> Check your phone bill.
> 
> ETA: I see others have beat me to it.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I was being discharged for sleep apnea originaly. When my permisive tdy why ended and was starting my terminal leave, I was told I had emphysema. I was placed on oxygen
and within 12 hrs after raising some hell with the right people, my rating went from 50% to 100% TDRL. I endured almost 4 yrs of TDRL before I got 100% PDRL. It took time to get SSDI and to get CRSC from the Army. Wife was working almost 3yrs until I was approved for SSDI. Once that was approved, she quit her job in record time. But, before the Army gave me PDRL, I had a lung biopsy and it was determined I also had Interstitial Lung Disease which was related to my deployment. to Iraq. Thats how I managed to get 100% from Army and then I finally receive CRSC. Once everything had kicked in, due to having a son under 18, I was bringing in $72,000. Now, I make $60K+ a year between VA,SSDI, and CRSC. Some of the things that has happened by time line.

1993: I got married to my wife and gained a daughter.
1994-1997: I made the mistake telling my daughter that I was her Step Dad. I got tired of hearing random question and I didn't think. I was affraid and didn't want to lie to her. That was my mistake that I have lived with for 20+ yrs.

Daughter said to her mom, someone was in her room. Wife assumed it was me and I may have touched her. That was the 1st time ever showing sad emotions period. I told my parents just incase I got locked up. Wife was upset because I said something. I told her when she found out that I didn't touch her, we was getting a divorce. She gave a fake sorry and I thought we was done with the matter. She and her daughter went to her parents house and they questioned her and she took her to the doctor and found out that nothing was done to her. She kept that very quiet.

Wanted to become stay home mom, so I worked my butt off to get back in the Army in 2000.

2000: Told the wife I was able to go back to Active Duty and it was set up for me to return in July.

While I was in Kentucky, Soldiering, wife was getting things done back in Arkansas, so her and the kids could join me. Got deployed to Iraq 2003 and was there 6 months and was sent back to Kentucky to PCS to Korea. I moved family to Colorado since that was going to be my return assignment. The one thing wife was mad at me, because I was Soldiering, when I came home, I wasn't helping with the home other than mowing the lawn. Being a cook, we worked crazy schedules and had other task to do. So there was a lot of times where wife played mom and dad, because of deployments and going to the field a lot. We was counseled by the COL and SGM, that wives had to do a lot since we would be out in the field or deployed, so don't ruffle any feathers such as making demands or discipline because wife has been mom and dad. Wife also would get upset because kids would act crazy and I wouldn't say a thing. I explained to the wife, with me being gone all the time, she needed to be able to handle the kids.

I got to Colorado from Korea Feb 2005 and deployed to Iraq Dec 2005 for my 2nd tour. 3 weeks before my deployment, wife sent daughter to me and ask what I would do if I came home to another man in my house? I said simply, you guys would pack your bags and file a single line and he would pay for them. She wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I was trying to cram all the computer, tv, and games before I deployed because there wouldn't be anytime for that while gone. I didn't think about going out and having fun with the wife or kids. I mean we did do things, just wasn't up there butts till I left. 

After my 3rd deployment and being medically discharged, I put my families need before the Army which I don't regret. 

I Know I do suck at communication, but when I try, she has to be in control of the conversation and topic. If she doesn't like what she hears, Oh, its my fault and wants to end the discussion. Here are my issues she has with me:

My Parents
Communication
helping around the house
conversation between us (when it comes to kids)
weight
My Daughter Issue versus Son Issues
Her wants
Me being like my dad
Drinking
Me not be spontanious 

My response
My parents aren't like her parent
Don't like arguing or fighting or one sided always at fault and wants to dictate topics.
Wife always finds a problem with what I do and makes digs, so what is the point.
I have lung issues amongst other thing and blisters on both lung
Daughter didn't do what she needed to do in school.
1) Hasn't held a meaningful job in the 11 yrs since graduating high school ( quit jobs when thing go her way or fired)
2) Constant Lying
3) Lounging around ( TV, phone, and Internet)
4) Creating debt and ignoring
5) Incarcerated
6) Wife wants a life style like her sister, but won’t work to achieve it. Would rather manipulate the finances to stay at home.
7) My dad was strict, but he loved us and believes in doing the right thing. Kids thought he is a hard ass.
8) When I have a beer, wife gets mad, because she can’t get me to go do things she wants. Which I wait till the evening time after 6pm or after son is off work before having one. ( Her Dad was a drunk)

She gets mad because I don’t plan things. Why? Because we wants to be nosy and if I spend a dollar, she wants to know why? Can’t surprise her.
I planned a 4 day get away for me and wife for our 24th anniversary, lost that trip along with some $$$ due to daughter crisis.

I am providing for 4 adult and a grandbaby for the most part on my income.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jywilli69 said:


> . I was trying to cram all the computer, tv, and games before I deployed because there wouldn't be anytime for that while gone. I didn't think about going out and having fun with the wife or kids.


Funny.... whenever I had a separation approaching, maximizing time_ with my wife_ was my top priority. TV and computer were by comparison irrelevant.

It sounds like the distance between you two isn't so one sided in origin after all.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Funny.... whenever I had a separation approaching, maximizing time_ with my wife_ was my top priority. TV and computer were by comparison irrelevant.
> 
> It sounds like the distance between you two isn't so one sided in origin after all.


1st off, I did spend time with my wife and yes my kids. As electronics go, talking about 2 weeks and no, not 24/7. A couple hrs tops.Sorry I was not a huge fan of Lifetime or drama shows.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Dec 2005 for my 2nd tour. 3 weeks before my deployment, wife sent daughter to me and ask what I would do if I came home to another man in my house?"

SERIOUSLY and that didn't give you pause at that time that maybe she was ****ing around behind your back? You didn't think to have a PI watch her at various times while you were deployed? How did THAT conversation not light up the red flag board like a Christmas tree???


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> "Dec 2005 for my 2nd tour. 3 weeks before my deployment, wife sent daughter to me and ask what I would do if I came home to another man in my house?"
> 
> SERIOUSLY and that didn't give you pause at that time that maybe she was ****ing around behind your back? You didn't think to have a PI watch her at various times while you were deployed? How did THAT conversation not light up the red flag board like a Christmas tree???


 That is why I answered the question the way I did. My wife has not done anything to me to think she would have an affair. When I was in Korea, wife said I was going to get checked for STD's. I replied great, we can go together and she could get check to. I for one have never thought about cheating on my wife or would I act on it being married. I know she told me when we were 1st married, her dad was a drunk and he has cheated on his wife. My parents have been together for 50yrs and my dad has been faithful to my mother. So I am proud to be like him.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> That is why I answered the question the way I did. My wife has not done anything to me to think she would have an affair. When I was in Korea, wife said I was going to get checked for STD's. I replied great, we can go together and she could get check to. I for one have never thought about cheating on my wife or would I act on it being married. I know she told me when we were 1st married, her dad was a drunk and he has cheated on his wife. My parents have been together for 50yrs and my dad has been faithful to my mother. So I am proud to be like him.


Did your wife ever explain why she would ask such a question in the first place? Besides the obvious implications of asking such a question why would she use the daughter as an intermediary?


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Did your wife ever explain why she would ask such a question in the first place? Besides the obvious implications of asking such a question why would she use the daughter as an intermediary?


 No, she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I thought it was poor taste. Biggest issue I have with her is her misleading things and not willing to be completely honest.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> No, she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I thought it was poor taste. Biggest issue I have with her is her misleading things and not willing to be completely honest.


Poor taste in what context? 

I ask because context aside a question like that is absolutely disrespectful and strikes at the core of what many would consider to be among the important points of marriage - among them respect and trust. 

Silence for weeks afterwards like something is your fault? Then swept under the rug?


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Poor taste in what context?
> 
> I ask because context aside a question like that is absolutely disrespectful and strikes at the core of what many would consider to be among the important points of marriage - among them respect and trust.
> 
> Silence for weeks afterwards like something is your fault? Then swept under the rug?


Her sending her daughter to ask me that question. I can admit I am not the best at communicating and I don't like fighting. I married my wife because I love her. I honestly didn't think we would be where we are at. When I try to communicate things with her, she likes to control the discussion and it pisses me off a lot.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> Her sending her daughter to ask me that question. I can admit I am not the best at communicating and I don't like fighting. I married my wife because I love her. I honestly didn't think we would be where we are at. When I try to communicate things with her, she likes to control the discussion and it pisses me off a lot.


That question was a direct threat and in my eyes a set up or milestone for more crap to come. Very manipulative. Then to shut down - a type of deflection while staying 'mad' followed by it is all about you - not me speak volumes. Setting you up for a marriage exit where it is all your fault. 

You need to have a very direct and straight discussion with her an where her heads at and what exactly is going on. Ask her directly - "Do you want to remain married to me? Because a question like that would make anyone wonder". 

Insist on marriage counseling to better understand why the communication between you two is so poor to try and improve your relationship. If she balks on that then start digging around as to what or who she is around to make her so clearly hostile to you.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> That question was a direct threat and in my eyes a set up or milestone for more crap to come. Very manipulative. Then to shut down - a type of deflection while staying 'mad' followed by it is all about you - not me speak volumes. Setting you up for a marriage exit where it is all your fault.
> 
> You need to have a very direct and straight discussion with her an where her heads at and what exactly is going on. Ask her directly - "Do you want to remain married to me? Because a question like that would make anyone wonder".
> 
> Insist on marriage counseling to better understand why the communication between you two is so poor to try and improve your relationship. If she balks on that then start digging around as to what or who she is around to make her so clearly hostile to you.


 Wife threw marriage counseling in my face last April before her daughter had her baby. She also threw in my face grandbaby is not my blood.. So I researched counselors due to being on Medicare and Military insurance. Found a Doctor instead of a counselor or nurse practitioner. I was explaining some of the issues and after 2 weeks, she suggested getting the wife to come. I told the wife and excuse 1, it is babies nap time, I am not ruining routine. Dr said she had a 4pm slot opening up in 2 weeks, now I am preasuring her. Why I have issues with her daughter, is not because she isn't my blood. She makes mistakes and doesn't learn from them. When in school, she wouldn't do what needed to be done., someone was being a bully to her was her suppose excuse. She has lived between us, in-laws, and 1 stint with my parents. She gave the wife a choice, let her go to PA or they would drive down to pick her up. So what does wife do, she lets her go and her aunt paid for the ticket and she went to PA. The part that was left out to me was that the daughter gave the wife a choice. So I ended up 3 round trips to PA because some clown told her she could make more money selling pills than getting a job. She went to jail for 3 months, instead of a few yrs because I made her take the plea. We all didn't know it would follow her till she was 70. I would have saved thousands of dollars if I had known all the details. I agreed a long time ago if our kids got sent to jail, I would bail them out once, because people do make some dumb mistakes atleast once. If the details was completely disclosed I would have saved the money. I would honestly save it has cost me enough, I could have had a nice BMW or Mercedes for what I have spent on this child. My son can't even screw up, because he knows I can't help him. She doesn't even get held accountable for her actions for the past 11yrs. Wife keeps things from me, because if I think it is wrong, I open my mouth. I don't keep it between us. What I am refering to is if the kids do stupid stuff like disrespect, I don't mind chewing their butts. Last time I check, I support them and they don't take care of me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I still don't see how just a response to her asking what if another man is in the house is sufficient.
How do you KNOW she didn't cheat on you when you were deployed? Wouldn't be the first for sure.
I would think that she is sufficiently manipulative and disrespectful that she could have done this easily.
Just because YOU can't fathom cheating doesn't mean she is cut from the same cloth.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


No one is perfect mate.



jywilli69 said:


> Wife threw marriage counseling in my face last April before her daughter had her baby. She also threw in my face grandbaby is not my blood..


So tell her to support her own daughter and grandchild. Why are you supporting adult children? Bio or step is irrelevant.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

JY, 

i am trying to understand how this relationship is even close to healthy, frankly i see her as cunning, and manipulative and this new tactic of just wanting to be partners, and having you carry the load, screams BS...but if i were you i would file for divorce and then her that you are giving her what she wants a partner, until such time you are no longer partner but this way she can now support her child and herself...after all partners need to be self- sufficient


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Drama with a capital D on both sides ..... do both of you a favor and just get the other big D.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jywilli69 said:


> 1994-1997: I made the mistake telling my daughter that I was her Step Dad. I got tired of hearing random question and I didn't think. I was affraid and didn't want to lie to her. That was my mistake that I have lived with for 20+ yrs.


*Legally*, you are her step-father once you marry her mother, whether she liked it or not. 



> Daughter said to her mom, someone was in her room. Wife assumed it was me and I may have touched her. That was the 1st time ever showing sad emotions period. I told my parents just incase I got locked up. Wife was upset because I said something. I told her when she found out that I didn't touch her, we was getting a divorce. She gave a fake sorry and I thought we was done with the matter. She and her daughter went to her parents house and they questioned her and she took her to the doctor and found out that nothing was done to her. She kept that very quiet.


Why on EARTH you didn't *leave* after this disgusting display of disrespect and disregard towards you as a man, a step-father, a husband and a human being is beyond me. I would have been DONE with these people right then and there. Your biggest mistake was staying.



> ....wife sent daughter to me and ask what I would do if I came home to another man in my house? I said simply, you guys would pack your bags and file a single line and he would pay for them. She wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks.


Such a prize you married.

I'll say it again, your biggest mistake was in *staying* with this vampire. And now, you're lucky enough to have *multiple* parasites living off you while they disrespect you and do nothing with their lives.

It's time to man up and clean house. Hell, that time was actually YEARS ago.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Are you allowed to bring in another partner then!?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wow so much to cover and so little time.

Thank you for your service. Seriously.




jywilli69 said:


> When I married my wife, she had a daughter and a job. After being married 3yrs, she hinted around about being a home maker, doing school activities and sports. I went back to Active Army July 2000 so she could do what she wanted to do. I became Medically retired from the Army Dec 2008 due to my 3 deployments to Iraq.





jywilli69 said:


> She has stated that she hasn't been happy for a long time, but can't sit there and tell me what makes her unhappy. I know things aren't perfect, but she wants me to make changes, but not herself. I know that I am not perfect by any means.


OK, with the information so far (later information will moderate things) I have been kind of in your shoes. My wife and I have been married for nearly 47+years. There was a time that we were in a sex starved marriage. She wanted to remain married, but did not want sex with me or anyone. She was unhappy and angry at me.

So what I did was I started reading and looking closely at myself. I realized that I needed to change myself, loose weight, dress better, become a more loving considerate man. Actually I need to figure out ways to have greater accomplishments in my life that I found pride in. I did all that and changed myself. My wife noticed and became concerned. She wanted to read some of the relationship books I was reading. Her girlfriends started to find me more attractive and flirt with me at business parties. That drove my wife nuts. I then suggested marriage counseling with a sex therapist. That really helped save the marriage, but it took commitment to our marriage from both of us and commitment to ourselves to work on changing ourselves not our spouse. Good luck.



jywilli69 said:


> I was being discharged for sleep apnea originaly. When my permisive tdy why ended and was starting my terminal leave, I was told I had emphysema. I was placed on oxygen
> and within 12 hrs after raising some hell with the right people, my rating went from 50% to 100% TDRL. I endured almost 4 yrs of TDRL before I got 100% PDRL. It took time to get SSDI and to get CRSC from the Army. Wife was working almost 3yrs until I was approved for SSDI. Once that was approved, she quit her job in record time. But, before the Army gave me PDRL, I had a lung biopsy and it was determined I also had Interstitial Lung Disease which was related to my deployment. to Iraq. Thats how I managed to get 100% from Army and then I finally receive CRSC. Once everything had kicked in, due to having a son under 18, I was bringing in $72,000. Now, I make $60K+ a year between VA,SSDI, and CRSC. Some of the things that has happened by time line.
> 
> 1993: I got married to my wife and gained a daughter.
> ...





jywilli69 said:


> That is why I answered the question the way I did. My wife has not done anything to me to think she would have an affair. When I was in Korea, wife said I was going to get checked for STD's. I replied great, we can go together and she could get check to. I for one have never thought about cheating on my wife or would I act on it being married. I know she told me when we were 1st married, her dad was a drunk and he has cheated on his wife. My parents have been together for 50yrs and my dad has been faithful to my mother. So I am proud to be like him.





jywilli69 said:


> Wife threw marriage counseling in my face last April before her daughter had her baby. She also threw in my face grandbaby is not my blood.. So I researched counselors due to being on Medicare and Military insurance. Found a Doctor instead of a counselor or nurse practitioner. I was explaining some of the issues and after 2 weeks, she suggested getting the wife to come. I told the wife and excuse 1, it is babies nap time, I am not ruining routine. Dr said she had a 4pm slot opening up in 2 weeks, now I am preasuring her. Why I have issues with her daughter, is not because she isn't my blood. She makes mistakes and doesn't learn from them. When in school, she wouldn't do what needed to be done., someone was being a bully to her was her suppose excuse. She has lived between us, in-laws, and 1 stint with my parents. She gave the wife a choice, let her go to PA or they would drive down to pick her up. So what does wife do, she lets her go and her aunt paid for the ticket and she went to PA. The part that was left out to me was that the daughter gave the wife a choice. So I ended up 3 round trips to PA because some clown told her she could make more money selling pills than getting a job. She went to jail for 3 months, instead of a few yrs because I made her take the plea. We all didn't know it would follow her till she was 70. I would have saved thousands of dollars if I had known all the details. I agreed a long time ago if our kids got sent to jail, I would bail them out once, because people do make some dumb mistakes atleast once. If the details was completely disclosed I would have saved the money. I would honestly save it has cost me enough, I could have had a nice BMW or Mercedes for what I have spent on this child. My son can't even screw up, because he knows I can't help him. She doesn't even get held accountable for her actions for the past 11yrs. Wife keeps things from me, because if I think it is wrong, I open my mouth. I don't keep it between us. What I am refering to is if the kids do stupid stuff like disrespect, I don't mind chewing their butts. Last time I check, I support them and they don't take care of me.


OK, you have a lot of baggage between the two of you. She has parent problems, past marriage, fears about her daughter, etc.

My suggestion is work on healing (mentally & physically) yourself and forgiving her of the pain she has caused you. This assumes you want the marriage to continue. Really work at improving yourself. Find something you can do that will allow you to feel like you have really accomplished something recently. Push yourself. Once you start feeling better about who you are, then suggest marriage counseling with her. If my seem like it is expensive, but it will be far less expensive than the cost of two divorce attorneys. Seriously, it is a good investment, assuming you want the marriage to continue.

Good luck to you.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

jywilli69 said:


> It was November 2018, when my wife made the declaration that we are partners, not Husband and Wife.
> How would you respond to this if your wife or husband said this to you?


We divorce then we go and register as partners, if he insists we are partners. I also would sue him for false pretences over the years we have been married.

I personally do not subscribe to politicising marriage. If we do not understand each other as husband and wife, we still are not going to understand each other as partners. 

Get bananas and label them apples or a new name Danamas and see if you change anything about them.


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## .335487 (Dec 13, 2018)

Don't be me. A fool. I accepted that title when we married. Partners in life. Together. Forever. Kinda makes me ill looking back at my naivety.

So after I found out about an emotional affair, I wanted a divorce. Facebook status changes from "In a relationship" to "married" the next day! How convenient. How loving.

My heart is dark today. Apologies.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I prefer the term partner to husband and wife. Husband and wife has too often been used to label an unequal partnership. I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the subjects of this thread.
> 
> We have yet to get enough information to even understand what these terms mean to the couple here for help.


This is strange. _Partner_ is 'unromantic' to me.

Nothing wrong with Husband and Wife labeling - correspond to being Male and Female in a marriage, and these gender-based identities do not challenge the notion of 'gender equality' in any way or form. Marriage is about 'shared responsibilities for sustenance' in general. 

Imagine your children using labels such as Parent 1 and Parent 2 instead of Dad and Mom... too robotic...

Imagine a learning institute where students are forbidden to identify each other as boys and girls... delusional...

We are not unisex beings.


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