# New to this...PLEASE HELP!!



## chccamaro (Nov 1, 2007)

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for a little over four years. We have two kids;one will be three in Feb., the other 2 in Feb. Things have always been really strong in this relationship and I always felt that I could talk to him about anything and I felt totally comfortable with him. The only BIG issue that I could see is because I am horribly jealous. He has never minded it, in fact, as guilty as I feel he has given up all of his female friends to make me happy(I did not ask or tell him to). I do not understand where my jealousy comes from and I was never that way in other relationships. I am tired of people telling me to get over it or keep it to myself because it is not that easy. My jealousy is something that consumes me and I really wish it didnt. There has never been any cheating in this relationship...so I should be totally ok but im not. 

About two weeks ago, he atarted ignoring me and would not tell me why. He all of a sudden just blurts out that he doesnt know if he loves me anymore and that some of him wants to work things out and some of him doesnt. I have no idea where this came from. He SWEARS up and down that it has nothing to do with me but I find that hard to believe. I thought everything was fine. he says he is confused about life in general and i'm a big part of his life. He took about three days or so to think without any interaction with me and eventually said that he loves me and wants to work things out. I was so devastated about what happened that I now feel TOTALLY insecure about myself and my relationship. I am afraid to get too attatched to him again in fear that he will drop another bomb on me. I feel like we should go to counseling or something but I feel like that would be admitting defeat. Two years ago he proposed to me and told me that I was the only girl for him and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and I do not know what changed. I want those times back...and I want to feel secure about him again...I want to marry him and it really hurts that he may never want to marry me. I am frustrated because he tells me that I do not have to try to keep him and that he is dealing with his issues and working towards being certain about me again. He says he feels a lot better...but I am having trouble grasping that. To me he should be certain that im the one for him. I have never doubted him for a second and I do not know why he feels differently...

if somebody could offer me some advice on what I should do...


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First how much do the two of you really commuicate about your deepest feelings? How often do you talk in general? How much do you dominate or do you think overall you have an equal relationship?

draconis


----------



## chccamaro (Nov 1, 2007)

That is one of the reasons that I am so confused...we talk all the time...he has talked to me about things that no one else knows. I do the same...I do not know when that got screwed up or when he started holding back...I feel like overall the dominance in the relationship is pretty equal...we dont have problems with eachother trying to control things. I am kind of a more forward personality and he is a more laid back personality. We fit together so well. Thats what felt so perfect to me...my weaknesses are his strenghts and his weaknesses are my strengths.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay so we can rule out him feeling emasculated. You have a good line of communication, use it now. If he wants to work on the relationship find out what the silent issue is or was. Many times (and guys are generally worse) people hold back to what hurt them. They keep it deep down until they can't handle it anymore. If he is the strong silent type you may have missed a clue along the way that he hoped you'd see and pick up on, then was hurt when you didn't.

Also it is common for relationships to go through mundane crisis. That is the couple settles into a normal routine and forget about what gave them the spark to begin with. It is common to sit back and go wow this is what my life is going to be like day in and day out, boring, no more excitement.

If that is the case work everyday to do a little something.

Also look into yourself about your jealousy. I have hear countless people talk on forums and personally to me about that being the cause of relationship break down. Sure we all feel it but it is how you handle it. To him it might feel like you do not trust him. Trust is an important part of any relationship.

draconis


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

This link may help you, a bit wordy but a good read.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322-relationship-thesis.html

draconis


----------



## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I''m finding a very common thread amoung our posts. This is just my observation. For those of in relationships do we spend enough time with our spouse? Just the two of you?Before kids, jobs, house payments, etc, it was just two individual's getting to know one another. I think this must continue in order for the relationship to grow.

ch: Get a sitter for the kids and show him how much you care...try for a moment to put feelings of jealousy aside and just be yourself and let him be himself. Just because two people come together does not mean they have to give up themselves. Enjoy be you with the one you love.


----------

