# Why do men watch so much porn?



## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

I'm curious why men watch so much porn or what's the average and why when their wife is more than ready and willing?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

It's enjoyable and most wives are not ready and willong


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

Ok but I bug him more for sex and I found an insane amount of porn wtf I dress up I do all I can. He told me he had a headache the other night. I want it 7days he claims he is too tired but watches porn makes zero sense pls explain


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would think laziness is a reason for a lot of them. Sadly for some it's easier, there is no performance anxiety, they can be totally selfish about it. 

Another big one for some men is fear the true intimacy that sex creates. Some of men have the same fears and worries about our bodies that you women do. Porn allows you to get the rush of orgasm without having the vulnerability of having sex with your partner. Sex can be emotionally scary for men too.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

Ok but when we have sex it is amazing and he does a wonderful job. I try as hard as I can but I just don't understand. What you wrote makes a Lil more sense but I see he has somewhat of a type and I get some porn but why when I am willing and able I don't get it 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> Ok but when we have sex it is amazing and he does a wonderful job. I try as hard as I can but I just don't understand. What you wrote makes a Lil more sense but I see he has somewhat of a type and I get some porn but why when I am willing and able I don't get it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Are you sure he is masturbating? Maybe he just likes looking a naked women. Lots of men and woman like that, hell look at all the great art that is about that. 

Have you talked to him about it?


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

No I can't talk to him about or I'll come off as jealous etc. I don't know if he is whacking. But I have a feeling he is. I just don't get it. Worse is he looked at a **** load of porn on my bday and I came to bed ready to roll out fit and all and he said his stomach hurt. What do I do


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> No I can't talk to him about or I'll come off as jealous etc. I don't know if he is whacking. But I have a feeling he is. I just don't get it. Worse is he looked at a **** load of porn on my bday and I came to bed ready to roll out fit and all and he said his stomach hurt. What do I do
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not good. 

Sounds like you are in a new marriage, is that true? You NEED to talk to him. That is like marriage 101, you need to communicate your issues always, it is both of your responsibilities. The key is being able to do it with love and not emotion. Entreat not accuse. 

In this case it has nothing to do with jealousy and don't let him tell you it does. It has to do with your needs as his wife, and him cheating you and himself out of what should be a wonderful part of your marriage. 

Now how you talk to him is important. You need to do it calmly and as I said you need to entreat him. 

Not --

"What is wrong with you that you don't want to have sex with me on my birthday. You are a bad husband."

Nope, more like.

"Why don't you want to have sex with me on my birthday? It's hurting me. I feel like you are not attracted to me. I need you to do this for me. It's important to me. Please help me because I love you."

Try that. 

One other thing, are you trying to be sexy for him? Maybe read some stuff about spicing it up. Not just outfits, but other stuff. Teasing him and such. 

That being said I am willing to bet my two reasons are going to hold up to be true. It may be both reasons. Hopefully though he is man enough to talk to you about it and fight through it. He stops being lazy, and or stops being scared.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It has been tested over and over again by psychologist and confirmed that men are more visually aroused than women are. Men are genetically designed to seek out mates to share their genes with. The idea is to find a woman with the best genes to mix yours with. For each man that may be different and limited by the choices available to him. Porn is made for men by men. It allows men to masturbate to things that they never do in real life. It also can divert sex away from their wives and leave them unsatisfied by sex in the real world where women do not usually want sex all the time or do all the fetishes they are interested in.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

I've tried I've asked to watch it with him as to not bring it up out right but besides clothes I try other things many other things. It is a new marriage 3 yrs. I'm a Taurus I am not good at calm takes me a week to put clear cognitive thoughts together. I am digging your advice I feel less crazy. I feel lost and unsure. I feel my place is now the mary and not the madonna. He complains he has put on weight etc but he stays up for 8 hrs in a strip club then why not me. I am truly not comfortable talking to him about and it's annoying but I will get there. I am down to try it all there's no point in being bored there in my option. It's a second marriage let's actually be happy in all aspects including the bedroom. Wtf. 


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The worst thing you can do is ignore it and hope the issue will go away. It won't.

You'd better start talking to him about what it's doing to you and your marriage.

If not at some point it'll become insurmountable and your feelings for him will die off. Love isn't everlasting depending on the circumstances


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> I've tried I've asked to watch it with him as to not bring it up out right but besides clothes I try other things many other things. It is a new marriage 3 yrs. I'm a Taurus I am not good at calm takes me a week to put clear cognitive thoughts together. I am digging your advice I feel less crazy. I feel lost and unsure. I feel my place is now the mary and not the madonna. He complains he has put on weight etc but he stays up for 8 hrs in a strip club then why not me. I am truly not comfortable talking to him about and it's annoying but I will get there. I am down to try it all there's no point in being bored there in my option. It's a second marriage let's actually be happy in all aspects including the bedroom. Wtf.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Write him a letter. 

8hrs at a strip club huh? Sounds like he may have some issues with this stuff. 

I'm sorry. Most men would be very happy with a wife that was that interested in sex with him. There are so many guys in a sexless marriage that are desperate for a women who wants them physically. Seems a waste. 

Write the letter. Hopefully he will get it.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> The worst thing you can do is ignore it and hope the issue will go away. It won't.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree love is a choice I feel timing is off more than anything. I'm very surprised I'm at this place


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

FWIW, you sound like a wonderful wife. I wish my wife would pursue me with half the enthusiasm you have for your husband. I honestly don't know what his problem is. The real thing is so much better than any movie one might watch. It bothers me more that he spends time in strip clubs. I've never even been in one--they seem like really sleazy places. Please tell me he's not getting lap dances or spending time with the strippers.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> FWIW, you sound like a wonderful wife. I wish my wife would pursue me with half the enthusiasm you have for your husband. I honestly don't know what his problem is. The real thing is so much better than any movie one might watch. It bothers me more that he spends time in strip clubs. I've never even been in one--they seem like really sleazy places. Please tell me he's not getting lap dances or spending time with the strippers.




No it was a one time thing in our marriage. In his previous one it was constant. I just don't understand the porn. What the other guys said earlier makes sense. I get it once and while but the amount I found was shocking. His excuses are his stomach hurt he ate too much has a headache or too tired. It's wearing me thin. Emotionally and mentally. I'm trying to be the "perfect" wife but I'm not saying I'm an angel and easy to deal with. I just don't understand it. I know he was in the back at the rhino In Vegas and led to a big ass argument. Not to mention a while back a friend got his phone and he received some text from a chick he works with of her in a dress. He chalked it up to he was drunk etc. I don't know. I want to control my jealously but he is mine damnit  


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Write him a letter.
> 
> 8hrs at a strip club huh? Sounds like he may have some issues with this stuff.
> 
> ...




I think I'm scarred of being rejected even more. He is one of those manly men dudes. I guess I was hoping this would all be way easier the second time around because we were on the same page and now I'm reaching for straws. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think you have jealousy issues I think he has poor boundaries. I also think he is not a very good husband right now, strip joints, texts from strange women, folders full of porn. It all needs to be talked about. Was he always like this or is this new? How was your dating life?

It's OK that you are afraid. But nothing good in life comes without fear. You must be brave. For your marriage, for yourself and ultimately for him. He wants to have a good marriage presumably.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I don't think you have jealousy issues I think he has poor boundaries. I also think he is not a very good husband right now, strip joints, texts from strange women, folders full of porn. It all needs to be talked about. Was he always like this or is this new? How was your dating life?




I think I had no idea. Everything has been pretty story book. So far now I'm just too scarred 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> I think I had no idea. Everything has been pretty story book. So far now I'm just too scarred
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Courage my friend courage. Proceed even though you are afraid.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> I'm curious why men watch so much porn or what's the average and why when their wife is more than ready and willing?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I would never watch porn if I had a ready and willing wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

YOu know this is not going to stop right? He has an addiction to porn and he could be cheating on you, there are red flags everywhere.
You have to consider whether you want to stay in this kind of marriage and be treated like this.

How is as a husband in other ways, does he give you affection, attention, take you out, etc?

Do you have kids?

I think you have to tell him exactly how you feel and consider your options, one of which is to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> It's enjoyable and most wives are not ready and willong


It is not true that most wives are not ready and willing to have sex with their husband. Perpetuating this stereo type does not help anyone.

About as many men chose to make their marriages sexless, or near sexless, as women do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

butterluv369 said:


> No I can't talk to him about or I'll come off as jealous etc. I don't know if he is whacking. But I have a feeling he is. I just don't get it. Worse is he looked at a **** load of porn on my bday and I came to bed ready to roll out fit and all and he said his stomach hurt. What do I do


Here is a link to a thread that talks about this subject. It gives information about things you can do, books that have ideas and information that will help you.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

This is actually a pretty common problem that women are finally starting to talk about openly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is some further reading for you to do. Some men are very effected by internet porn.. here read about it....

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

butterluv369 said:


> No I can't talk to him about or I'll come off as jealous etc. I don't know if he is whacking. But I have a feeling he is. I just don't get it. Worse is he looked at a **** load of porn on my bday and I came to bed ready to roll out fit and all and he said his stomach hurt. What do I do.


You seem very unsure about what you have the right to ask for in marriage. If your husband is not meeting your sexual needs, then he should not be watching any porn at all. That is taking his sexual energy outside of your marriage. Not good at all.

There are men who become addicted to porn and just find it more fulfilling than sex with a live woman. I gave you a link to read about it. What's the fix for his? He has to give up all porn for a few months. He also has to give up masturbating for that time. This is done so that his brain returns to normal and gets to the point where he wants sex with you as his primary, or only, sexual outlet.

In addition to all the other info I linked to, I think that you need to learn what you have the right to ask for in marriage. And you have the right to expect him to fulfill your sexual needs. You need to learn the words to tell him this too.

There are two books that will help to teach you how to talk about your needs and ask that he meets your needs. 

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", see the links in my signature block below.

My suggestion is that you read the books and do the work they say to do. Then, with what you have learned from these books, the Sex Starved Wife thread, and the site Your Brain on Porn, you sit your husband down and tell him that this is not working for you.

Him using porn while he is not meeting your sexual needs is not acceptable, it's a HUGE love busters (meaning it will eventually cause you to fall out of love with him.)

Him going to a strip club is a huge love buster.

Him getting texts and images from another women is another huge love buster. 

All of that has to stop. You need for him to go to a sex therapist with you because he is not going to be able to stop using porn without the help of a sex therapist. A good sex therapist has things she/he can teach him to get himself to stop that. And you need him to read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and do the work that the books say to do, together with you.

You need to get to the point where you can establish strong, healthy boundaries and then uphold them in your marriage. For example, here is a good boundary for you. "I will not stay in a marriage with a man who does not meet my sexual needs and instead prefers to use porn."

Simple boundary. It does not tell him what to do. That boundary states what you will allow in your life.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

There are many reasons why men watch a lot of porn. I personally believe that when it gets to the point of interfering with actual sex with a real woman, then there are some deep anxieties or unhappiness that are being suppressed. It makes him feel good, very quickly, very efficiently without much effort at all - he doesn't need to call a dealer or part with money, and he is ultimately in 'control'. It feels good.

....until his wife as enough....then it feels bad. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, ask him why he does this.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How old are you and your husband?

You must get over not feeling like you can talk to him about this. It sounds like because it was a huge problem in his first marriage, you are "looking the other way" and not complaining about his porn/stripper use like he probably whined to you that his first old lady did, because you don't want to "be THAT way." If you rugsweep this, you'll be like his first wife in another way soon...divorced from him.

Grow up, put on your big girl panties and communicate with your husband. Then you can work on the problems together.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to a thread that talks about this subject. It gives information about things you can do, books that have ideas and information that will help you.
> 
> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*
> 
> This is actually a pretty common problem that women are finally starting to talk about openly.


while I don't dispute that there are wives who are in relationships where the husband is the cause of their sexless marriage. Out of all my male friends that are married everyone says its an issue. I am not so sure its a stereotype.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Here is some further reading for you to do. Some men are very effected by internet porn.. here read about it....
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series




Thank you what you wrote was way helpful. Thank you


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

The way you ask the question actually says a lot. YOUR man watches a lot of porn and sexually ignores you, this does not automatically mean that men in general do this.

TBH he sounds very undeveloped, low EQ and cannot relate to a living woman. He has little understanding of what a truly loving relationship is. The real question is then, why do you think so little of yourself to stay with him?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

They watch it to get solid financial advice:


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> It's enjoyable and most wives are not ready and willong


Oh, that was the smackdown.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> I'm curious why men watch so much porn or what's the average and why when their wife is more than ready and willing?


1. Women watch it too, though not as much.
2. Male sexuality is complex, though it's made out to simple. (It's not.)
3. Marriage/monogamy go against millions or years of human instinct.

It's not a huge mystery when you stop to think about it...


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Google "your brain on porn"

Porn can be addictive because it releases happy hormone.

The thing is, as time passed by, the brain needs more quantity and more novelty to achieve the same point of happiness a man gets by watching and masturbating to online prostitutes.


Average women become bland, hot women become mehhh when the brain is used to seeing super xl boobs, flawless face, small waist and super yummy booties.

No matter what you do: dressing up and spicing things up... You can't win when compared to 100 hot super hot strangers in a week.

You become ... Boring.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

butterluv369 said:


> Ok but I bug him more for sex and I found an insane amount of porn wtf I dress up I do all I can. He told me he had a headache the other night. I want it 7days he claims he is too tired but watches porn makes zero sense pls explain
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is apparent your H likes to self-satisfy using porn. That leave nothing for you.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

See: Watching a curvaceous woman can feel like a reward in the brain of men.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> It's a second marriage let's actually be happy in all aspects including the bedroom. Wtf.


This is neither "here nor there", but forced abstinence will toughen you up. I went almost two years until the other night.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> He has an addiction to porn


Be careful with this word _addiction_... most people are addicted to their phones, which one could argue also interferes in relationships in a big way.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Porn is boring to me now.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> About as many men chose to make their marriages sexless, or near sexless, as women do.


You are easily the most dangerous person here. I've never understood the high divorce rate until spending a little time on forums like this one.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> Be careful with this word _addiction_... most people are addicted to their phones, which one could argue also interferes in relationships in a big way.


Phones do interfere with relationships. No argument there. 

Porn can be an addiction that interferes with normal sexual relations.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> You seem very unsure about what you have the right to ask for in marriage.


WOW. Lady, there are no "rights" in marriage. People can and will do whatever they want. The word _rights_ is just a nice word in the real world.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It is not true that most wives are not ready and willing to have sex with their husband. Perpetuating this stereo type does not help anyone.
> 
> 
> 
> About as many men chose to make their marriages sexless, or near sexless, as women do.




Telling the truth is very important. It is not a stereotype and I was talking from my personal experience and the experience of a majority of men I know and on TAM. 

Your opinion is exactly that - your opinion. My opinion is exactly that - my opinion. What doesn't help is dismissing other TAM members views. What does help is expressing your own.

OP there is much more to this than just watching porn. Many men see things in porn that arouse them that they don't see in their home. I'll give you an example.

Last night I went downstairs to watch porn. I did it to get aroused because we had a busy day, kids were still up and around, and I wanted to enjoy sex with my W. She called down to me and wanted to take out the trash etc so I said ok. A long time passed... frankly the porn was boring but I waited and finally went to bed. W was asleep. She snap chatted me (didn't see it) saying she was going to put away the laundry but collapsed instead. Anyway she woke up and got ready and we played. But even though I'm sure she felt it was fine, I never got ramped up... got to look at her and get aroused... got to touch and get started. Instead life got in the way and we started quickly. So where does porn fit in? It gives me what I need that my w can't give me. She simply can't / won't spend the time I need.

That's what I mean by many W's aren't ready and willing - I mean to fully meet our needs. It's exactly the same as men who can't or won't spend the time for adequate foreplay. You can't always complain about everything being perfect, but sexuality is complicated.

Your H sounds like he is too distant to be able to talk about this though - hopefully you can bring this up over time and get him more engaged


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw I'd much rather get aroused by my w but she would never be able to allow herself to express sexuality so freely - you are different and are willing to dress up and tease and play around before sex I am assuming. If that's the case then it may be that he still feels the need to be aroused and ready so he can meet expectations he believes you may have. I think a lot of men feel pressure to be ready to perform 


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So, I scanned through the thread and there seems to be some missing information. How often are you trying to get sex and being turned down? If it is 4,5, 6 times per week and he goes along what - 1 or 2 times per month? That is one issue, refer to the posts on porn addiction I suppose. 

If you are making your needs known 1-4 times per month then that is a whole different analysis because you are not 'readily available'. Ignore all advice about porn addiction, it probably does not apply. 

If you all fall somewhere in between then explanations probably fall somewhere in between as well. 

Most men under say 45 or a little older with 'normal' sex drives will be ejaculating at least 3 if not more times a week. The question is, is it via you or porn or mental movies. For most men 'you' is the most desirable choice, but is that an option here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> while I don't dispute that there are wives who are in relationships where the husband is the cause of their sexless marriage. Out of all my male friends that are married everyone says its an issue. I am not so sure its a stereotype.


A few things to consider.

I was married to a man who refused to have any sex at all for 7 years. It's one of the main reasons that I divorced him as soon as I could. While he chose to not have sex, guess what he told his buddies? When the guys would get around and ***** about their wives, he would go on talking about how his with was a cold fish withholding sex. It was his excuse for cheating too.

What did I learn about that? That just because a man tells his buddies that his wife does not want sex, it does not mean that he's telling the truth. After all what is he going to tell his buddies? "I don't want sex with my wife so I have willingly not had sex in years?" Nope, he's going to join all the other guys in the great male bonding experience of complaining about their wives being cold fishes.

Now I do realize that that there are women who truly are not interested in sex with their spouse. But I also realize that there are men who are not interested in sex with their spouse tool.

It is an age old thing for men to complain about lack of sex and they always blame their wives. So men get social support for this. After all it's the fault of the woman, right? He's a victim after all.

When a woman complains that her husband does not want sex with her, she is blamed. Generally she gets no social support at all. It take a lot of guts for a woman to publically admit that she her husband does not want sex with her because generally people will blame her. It happened on this thread. The OP was asked if she makes herself visually sexy enough for him. After all it must be her fault. And a naked women is apparently not enough, she had to do more because it is her fault.

When I first came to TAM, any woman who dared to say that her husband did not want sex with her was treated pretty badly here. There is one thread where I was laughed at by the men on TAM and told that it was about time women felt what that is like so the men on TAM were pleased that I was having this problem. On another thread some guy attacked me and told me that if my husband did not want sex with me I clearly caused it, it was my fault an then the thread went down hill from there. I saw similar posts to other women.

Since then, things have turned around some on TAM and it's becoming safer for women like the OP to talk about what's going on. And if anyone attacks her the way I was attacked, they can sit in the ban box for a long time contemplating it.

This is why I started the *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html* thread. It's to give women with this situation support and to let them know that what they are going through is not rare. That there are plenty of men who don't want sex (or much sex) with their wives. And that it is not automatically the woman's fault if her husband is like the OP's husband. And that they have the right to ask their husband to meet their sexual needs. 

There are all kinds of thread on TAM providing support to men whose wives withhold sex. How about we provide the same level of support to women whose husbands do the same thing. It's equally as tragic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> > It's enjoyable and most wives are not ready and willong
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, that was the smackdown.


Yes, and clearly the OP needed that kind of smack down.... /sarcasm-off


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> > About as many men chose to make their marriages sexless, or near sexless, as women do.
> 
> 
> You are easily the most dangerous person here. I've never understood the high divorce rate until spending a little time on forums like this one.


Oh please explain????????? {But not on this thread, it would be a thread jack.}


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

butterluv369 said:


> I think I'm scarred of being rejected even more. He is one of those manly men dudes. I guess I was hoping this would all be way easier the second time around because we were on the same page and now I'm reaching for straws.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Being a "manly man", it ALSO means taking care of his wife.
I think you really just need to sit down and be honest (but DON'T do it in an accusatory manner).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Telling the truth is very important. It is not a stereotype and I was talking from my personal experience and the experience of a majority of men I know and on TAM.


The population of TAM is self-selecting. If we go to the cancer ward of a hospital we would see a lot of people with cancer. Based on you using TAM as a measure of society as a whole, we could use a cancer ward in the same way. Can we now say that since the cancer ward is full of cancer patients, must people have cancer? Of course not.


TheTruthHurts said:


> Your opinion is exactly that - your opinion. My opinion is exactly that - my opinion. What doesn't help is dismissing other TAM members views. What does help is expressing your own.


My opinion is not based on antidotal evidence from my own life. It’s based on a research and is out there. That’s what the Sex Starved Wife thread is about… it provides real info, not antidotal info.


TheTruthHurts said:


> OP there is much more to this than just watching porn. Many men see things in porn that arouse them that they don't see in their home. I'll give you an example.
> 
> Last night I went downstairs to watch porn. I did it to get aroused because we had a busy day, kids were still up and around, and I wanted to enjoy sex with my W. She called down to me and wanted to take out the trash etc so I said ok. A long time passed... frankly the porn was boring but I waited and finally went to bed. W was asleep. She snap chatted me (didn't see it) saying she was going to put away the laundry but collapsed instead. Anyway she woke up and got ready and we played. But even though I'm sure she felt it was fine, I never got ramped up... got to look at her and get aroused... got to touch and get started. Instead life got in the way and we started quickly. So where does porn fit in? It gives me what I need that my w can't give me. She simply can't / won't spend the time I need.


Would you be ok with it if your wife went out and got what she really needed from a source other than from you?

That's what I mean by many W's aren't ready and willing - I mean to fully meet our needs. It's exactly the same as men who can't or won't spend the time for adequate foreplay. You can't always complain about everything being perfect, but sexuality is complicated. 

Your H sounds like he is too distant to be able to talk about this though - hopefully you can bring this up over time and get him more engaged[/QUOTE]


Interesting insight…… sounds like a marriage that needs a serious face lift. And I would not say that the entire problem is with your wife, not by a long shot.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

No idea. Makes no sense to me.

But I will say that avoiding talking about it because you don't want to come off as jealous doesn't sound right to me. There is nothing wrong with being jealous. Any time you feel the slightest bit jealous you should address it immediately, let your spouse know, and they should do whatever they need to do to alleviate the issue to make you feel good. That's what I think.

I think big problems follow if people try to deny they are jealous, and just act like it isn't bothering them. It will build up and build up, and sour their relationship.

Take care if it immediately.

Just because some people get too jealous, and get so extreme they ruin lives does not make the feeling bad. No more than crazy stalkers who love too much make love bad.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

OP we would like together understand the dynamics of your situation here.

Is your H dismissive of you or your thoughts or ideas? You refer to him as manly - what did you mean by that? Also how old are you? Men and women's sexuality can and often changes over time - have there been changes? Finally - the photo on the phone is a big concern to me - you are not being jealous to be protective of your exclusive relationship to your H in marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It is not true that most wives are not ready and willing to have sex with their husband. Perpetuating this stereo type does not help anyone.
> 
> About as many men chose to make their marriages sexless, or near sexless, as women do.


I expect you're right. My wife is never ready and willing - she declared, at some point, that her earlier, shall we say, exuberant invitations and seemingly endless desire for the activity were because "I know that men like it" but in fact, she never has. And she's mature enough now to decide to live the way she likes things. Hmmm....

We got married in our 40s. I had a 14-ish year relationship before her. In those 14 years, sex was mutual...either would initiate, both were communicative enough for each other to enjoy it more and more each passing year. Even after we split, she wanted to keep the physical relationship going, but I said no, I think that would mislead us into thinking we belonged together and that just didn't work. In the 7-ish years between ex and wife, I had two kinda sorta LTRs, if you count 3 years as LTR...and in both those cases, I actually felt, on occasion, that I didn't quite have the energy to keep up! Before first LTR were my teen to late 20s dating years, which also included some MTRs (mid-term relationships) that included living together...in those cases, however, we were both new and exploring and I suppose most folks in that portion of their intimate life are going to be more willing/curious.

So, the fact that my wife happens to be one who would rather not - does not lead me to think that, in any way, it's common.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP. There are lots of men, some watch lots of porn, some don't. Those who do watch do so for a variety of reasons. Wondering about "men" in general, you need to figure out about your husband.

If I understand you, he is watching porn and rejecting you for sex. This is a HUGE problem, not normal and not what most people are talking about when they say porn watching is OK. Very few people would say that it is OK to watch porn and regularly reject your partner. 

Most likely is that he has gotten himself addicted to porn (it happens) and is no more able to stop than a drunk in the street can stop drinking. Most likely it is not your fault in any way at all - but not knowing that I'm asking the following:

Has your sex life always been limited or did it change.

Are you both happy with your sex life when it does happen? Do there seem to be things he wants in bed that you are not willing to do (those things might not be reasonable things for him to ask for). Might he have some fetish that you aren't aware of?

Are there other problems in your lives that might be decreasing his desire for sex with you?

Are concerns about pregnancy or children an issue?


I'm sorry you are in this spot - its miserable to be rejected by someone you love.


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