# Hi I'm new and need advice help!!



## Gareth30 (Sep 29, 2021)

My wife cheated on me in 2010 after 2 years of marriage since we have had kids and I constantly bring it up in arguments it ruminates thru my head daily for the last 10 years the guy sent me loads of pictures of her clothed and naked she also had another texting/emotional affair with another guy I have to see him daily I really want to smash his face in but I'm bigger that that I told his wife about it and his wife turned on me (strange) anyway I'm really struggling now and I don't know what I should do my wife is pissed off because I keep bringing it up should I just divorce in an amicable way and stay friends or should I keep trying. Every time she goes out it goes thru my mind wondering if she is up to it again!!! I suffer with rumination really bad 

Thank you Go


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to get into therapy. Even if you divorce, these issues won't just go away when the papers are signed. 

But, what has your wife done to heal the marriage? It's obvious that her infidelity wasn't properly dealt with or you wouldn't be here feeling this way. 

Why do you have to keep seeing one of the guys she cheated with, can you change that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I agree with the therapy. Whether you stay married or whether you divorce, you still need your own sanity and peace of mind. 

This is no way for either of you to live?


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## Gareth30 (Sep 29, 2021)

bobert said:


> You need to get into therapy. Even if you divorce, these issues won't just go away when the papers are signed.
> 
> But, what has your wife done to heal the marriage? It's obvious that her infidelity wasn't properly dealt with or you wouldn't be here feeling this way.
> 
> Why do you have to keep seeing one of the guys she cheated with, can you change that?


Hi thanks for the reply No the guy is a dad on the school run I collect my children every day apart from Mondays so it's a constant reminder he stays away from me but I boil up inside when I see the sight of him this happened 2 years ago but I'm constantly reminded even the first guy lives on my estate and I pass his house daily so it's a constant reminder she just pushes me away and never wanted to go for counceling she says she regrets it but I'm not sure


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gareth30 said:


> Hi thanks for the reply No the guy is a dad on the school run I collect my children every day apart from Mondays so it's a constant reminder he stays away from me but I boil up inside when I see the sight of him this happened 2 years ago but I'm constantly reminded even the first guy lives on my estate and I pass his house daily so it's a constant reminder she just pushes me away and never wanted to go for counceling she says she regrets it but I'm not sure


I’m not speaking for Bobert but I am sure he meant individual therapy for YOU, not marital counseling with your wife. 

The therapy is to help you find peace of mind whether you stay married or divorce.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gareth30 said:


> Hi thanks for the reply No the guy is a dad on the school run I collect my children every day apart from Mondays so it's a constant reminder he stays away from me but I boil up inside when I see the sight of him this happened 2 years ago but I'm constantly reminded even the first guy lives on my estate and I pass his house daily so it's a constant reminder she just pushes me away and never wanted to go for counceling she says she regrets it but I'm not sure


Is moving an option? Sometimes that's the consequence of dumb choices (by your wife). Though, given the state of your marriage I wouldn't make a move until your wife gets her act together or it's part of a divorce. 

Regret? Sure. Remorse? Doesn't seem like it and there is a big difference between regret and remorse. If she refuses to do the work to heal from this, the marriage will fail. Same goes for you. It takes one person to destroy the marriage, both to rebuild. 

And yes, I meant therapy for you, individually.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, divorce her, it should have been done years ago, it is not too late.

It took ten years to 'fate' ... out.


Why should you continue to suffer with this?
It is not fair.
Nope.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Unfortunately for you you’re in probably the worst place in the world for married men who’s wife has cheated. You will get screwed in a divorce and will only see your kids if your wife agrees. 
Sorry buddy but you shouldn’t have hung around after her first cheating episode, now she knows that you aren’t going to do anything except moan about it.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

How do you determine where somebody lives?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

First of all, I would buy a keyboard with the full stop key still in it.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Gareth30 said:


> My wife cheated on me in 2010 after 2 years of marriage since we have had kids and I constantly bring it up in arguments it ruminates thru my head daily for the last 10 years the guy sent me loads of pictures of her clothed and naked she also had another texting/emotional affair with another guy I have to see him daily I really want to smash his face in but I'm bigger that that I told his wife about it and his wife turned on me (strange) anyway I'm really struggling now and I don't know what I should do my wife is pissed off because I keep bringing it up should I just divorce in an amicable way and stay friends or should I keep trying. Every time she goes out it goes thru my mind wondering if she is up to it again!!! I suffer with rumination really bad
> 
> Thank you Go


Infidelity is a wound that takes years to heal, if it ever does. Many marriages can't survive it. It is understandable that 10 years later you still think of it daily. My first wife cheated on me 30 years ago and its still like a fresh memory for me and I'm not married to her any more.

Anyway, If you are going to stay with your wife, I believe you and her need to discuss the affair thoroughly and get all of your questions answered. She might not like it but the affair was her doing and now its her that needs to help you get through it. A counseling may help and its something you should look into.

When she goes out and you thinking she is cheating again is what happens when trust is lost. You wife needs to understand that all of these problems were caused by her. You don't trust her and for good reason. For the little you have shared I would say your marriage is in bad shape and its going to take extraordinary efforts on both of your parts to mend it. I think your wife needs to realize what she has done and she is going to have to do the heavy lifting to help you and your marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I vote to divorce her. Serial cheater. Thee will be more. And you can’t get past it, nor should you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheating that early in a marriage you should have divorced her. She’s cheated twice now that you know of. 
Serial cheaters normally don’t stop. 
You can only be a chump if you allow it.
The other men are not the problem. They are taking what your wife is willingly giving them.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Listen, you know what to do.

Your spirit is screaming at you and it's why you're here on TAM.

You know what's keeping you from taking action? F.E.A.R.!!

Your wife is 1) a serial cheater and 2) she wants you to just shut up about her cheating and quit bothering her about it.

So back to you don't know what to do.
You're afraid of the future. The unknown. 

However the here and now (and her past) .....you know....your reality....is slowly suffocating you to death.

Is this what you envisioned when you fell in love with her and decided to get married and to have children?

This wife of yours has shown that she isn't a safe partner to you and that she's willing to risk blowing up your family and for what? Bringing other men into your relationship??

Your wife has shown you who and what she is.
Fear is keeping you from coming to terms with who she really is. You're in denial.

You want her to be honest with you?
Well how about you first start with being honest with yourself. 

You can NOT change what you won't confront.
Again FEAR is keeping you from having the courage to face the reality of what your wife is doing to you and your kids.

Life and time are both too precious to be pissed away like you're choosing to do. 

Time to take action or live in denial and suffer a slow death and f^&k your kids up.

Choose wisely.


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## Sleprock (Mar 14, 2017)

Just go find someone else that may or may not understand your situation. Make sure you explain from the heart what’s going on. You need to switch those emotional ties to someone or something else. Your not going to get over it by taking to her. She’s got you just where she wants you. She’ll cheat again, and again because she knows your not going anywhere. Tell her what you want! Don’t ask or just have her kick rocks! By Felisha










Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gareth30 (Sep 29, 2021)

Ok so nearly a week and I've sat down and I am finally going for divorce. But!!!!!!!!!!! We have agreed that I can keep my martial home and we have agreed a lump sum of £65000 to her to buy her parents home outright but she remains in the marital home with me but separate rooms until my children are old enough or parents pass on. Then she will move into her own home (PARENTS). We have agreed to do it in an amicable way so the cheapest. I love the idea because my kids are with me 7 days apart from every second weekend she is going to her mom's with them when it's her weekend, so basically I will only see her maybe 2 hours a day 5 days a week what do you guys think? She wants a clean break divorce with none of my other assets.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Gareth30 said:


> Ok so nearly a week and I've sat down and I am finally going for divorce. But!!!!!!!!!!! We have agreed that I can keep my martial home and we have agreed a lump sum of £65000 to her to buy her parents home outright but she remains in the marital home with me but separate rooms until my children are old enough or parents pass on. Then she will move into her own home (PARENTS). We have agreed to do it in an amicable way so the cheapest. I love the idea because my kids are with me 7 days apart from every second weekend she is going to her mom's with them when it's her weekend, so basically I will only see her maybe 2 hours a day 5 days a week what do you guys think? She wants a clean break divorce with none of my other assets.


So you're OK knowing she's going out with other guys, then coming home and being with you and the kids? I think you're using finances to try and rationalize something that shouldn't be rationalized. She's getting exactly what she wants by manipulating you. This isn't going to work for you. For her, sure. She's got you taking care of the kids while she goes out with other guys.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pam said:


> How do you determine where somebody lives?


The UK flag after his name.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Gareth30 said:


> Ok so nearly a week and I've sat down and I am finally going for divorce. But!!!!!!!!!!! We have agreed that I can keep my martial home and we have agreed a lump sum of £65000 to her to buy her parents home outright but she remains in the marital home with me but separate rooms until my children are old enough or parents pass on. Then she will move into her own home (PARENTS). We have agreed to do it in an amicable way so the cheapest. I love the idea because my kids are with me 7 days apart from every second weekend she is going to her mom's with them when it's her weekend, so basically I will only see her maybe 2 hours a day 5 days a week what do you guys think? She wants a clean break divorce with none of my other assets.


Work quickly to put the terms in writing.

Your wayward wife hasn't thought this through. She will blow through the money fast and come looking for more.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gareth30 said:


> Ok so nearly a week and I've sat down and I am finally going for divorce. But!!!!!!!!!!! We have agreed that I can keep my martial home and we have agreed a lump sum of £65000 to her to buy her parents home outright but she remains in the marital home with me but separate rooms until my children are old enough or parents pass on. Then she will move into her own home (PARENTS). We have agreed to do it in an amicable way so the cheapest. I love the idea because my kids are with me 7 days apart from every second weekend she is going to her mom's with them when it's her weekend, so basically I will only see her maybe 2 hours a day 5 days a week what do you guys think? She wants a clean break divorce with none of my other assets.


Are you ****ing nuts! 
She’s going to be dating other men, maybe going on trips away and you will be sitting at home. 
Again are you nuts?
And by the way her parents could outlive you!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your crazy!!! No way in hell !! That’s a terrible idea!!


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## Gareth30 (Sep 29, 2021)

Than


marko polo said:


> Work quickly to put the terms in writing.
> 
> Your wayward wife hasn't thought this through. She will blow through the money fast and come looking for more.


Thanks for the reply do you think this is a good deal I get to keep my p


Casual Observer said:


> So you're OK knowing she's going out with other guys, then coming home and being with you and the kids? I think you're using finances to try and rationalize something that shouldn't be rationalized. She's getting exactly what she wants by manipulating you. This isn't going to work for you. For her, sure. She's got you taking care of the kids while she goes out with other guys.


She can do what she likes when she is at her mom's we are over!!!!! I want to see her more as a mate who takes care of my kids whilst I'm at work which is the only way I can get over it my house has cameras and I said no men in my house and she is adamant she is done with men ( which I know is what they all say 🥱🥱🥱) she can do what the f&£k she likes I'm over her I just can't get over not seeing my kids every day apart from every second Saturday I have a good social life and actually have had a couple of friends who I would never have thought offered me to go and stay with them the odd night as a break from her


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The reason people are responding so negatively to this is you are acting like you have won some kind of victory, but the reality is you are still housing and supporting a woman who is (or very soon will be) screwing other guys while you get nothing. 

You may like the idea of her being there to take care of the kids but what are you going to do when you want to have someone in your life but no woman will have you because you are still living with and living a family life with your wife. 

This is no victory.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> The reason people are responding so negatively to this is you are acting like you have won some kind of victory, but the reality is you are still housing and supporting a woman who is (or very soon will be) screwing other guys while you get nothing.
> 
> You may like the idea of her being there to take care of the kids but what are you going to do when you want to have someone in your life but no woman will have you because you are still living with and living a family life with your wife.
> 
> This is no victory.


This. Know that you will never have a normal or good relationship with another woman as long as you live in this arrangement.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Gareth30 said:


> Than
> 
> Thanks for the reply do you think this is a good deal I get to keep my p
> 
> She can do what she likes when she is at her mom's we are over!!!!! I want to see her more as a mate who takes care of my kids whilst I'm at work which is the only way I can get over it my house has cameras and I said no men in my house and she is adamant she is done with men ( which I know is what they all say 🥱🥱🥱) she can do what the f&£k she likes I'm over her I just can't get over not seeing my kids every day apart from every second Saturday I have a good social life and actually have had a couple of friends who I would never have thought offered me to go and stay with them the odd night as a break from her


I do think you are getting a bargain. If she is willing to settle so soon she is not thinking clearly and you can get yourself the best possible deal. If she chooses to take you to court and actively fight you it will cost more, much more both in time and money.

A little confidence goes a long way and it doesn't hurt but you aren't divorced yet. While she is agreeable I would recommend you do nothing to rub it in her face, that you are happy she is leaving. If you mean you have a good social life = other women/options I would make every effort to keep your interactions discreet. As satisfying as it might be to make your future ex jealous it also may cost you if she chooses to be combative and fight you in divorce court.

Also, there are many games she can play at your expense. He said, she said is a popular game. She says you are violent and you have abused her and the police will take her word for it. You will be cooling your heels in a cell. She can also pursue an order of protection against you to keep you away from both home and your children. Many men in your place have been blindsided because they didn't think their wayward wife were capable of making false allegations. You should consider treading very lightly until your situation is settled. Do not underestimate your wife or what she is capable of.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

IF you do this deal, you also need to make sure that all of your expenses are SEPARATE (Food, TV, Internet, Phones, EVERYTHING). YOU will pay NOTHING for her. I didn't see that in the agreement. Her living at the house is easy to have her eat your food, etc.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Divorcing her but living with her doesn't solve your problem. She will still be there. Neither of you will be able to move on or date other people. Nobody with any sense will come near you with an arrangement like this. And you will still see the OM every day. 

Move & get therapy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> Divorcing her but living with her doesn't solve your problem. She will still be there. Neither of you will be able to move on or date other people. Nobody with any sense will come near you with an arrangement like this. And you will still see the OM every day.


This is only half correct. 

HE won't be able to move on or date other people. 

She on the other hand could have men camped out in the yard in tents and sleeping bags waiting for their turn. 

That's just one of the differences between the girls and the boys. Men couldn't care less who she is living with and what kind of arrangement they have as long as she is willing to hook up with them which it sounds like she is. Guys will take their number and wait. 

By contrast, no woman will actually date a guy still living with his wife and kids as a family under one roof even if they are divorced. 

In fact he'd seriously stand a better chance if he said they were still together and that he was cheating himself. 

That's why I said this was no victory a few posts up. He is still housing and supporting her, she is free to run around and bang whoever she wants - but for him, it will be like they are still together only he isn't getting anything to show for it. 

This is solidly a "Lose" for him. 

This is actually worse than a bona fide divorce. At this rate he has all of the negatives and restrictions of marriage but none of the benefits. 

If he were to get a traditional divorce and send her packing, at least he would be a free man in his own house and able to do his own thing. 

She on the other hand has all of the benefits of marriage PLUS the benefits of being single. 

It's win-win for her. 

But lose-lose for him. 

And he thinks this is a good deal :-0


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

Gareth30 said:


> My wife cheated on me in 2010 after 2 years of marriage since we have had kids and I constantly bring it up in arguments it ruminates thru my head daily for the last 10 years the guy sent me loads of pictures of her clothed and naked she also had another texting/emotional affair with another guy I have to see him daily I really want to smash his face in but I'm bigger that that I told his wife about it and his wife turned on me (strange) anyway I'm really struggling now and I don't know what I should do my wife is pissed off because I keep bringing it up should I just divorce in an amicable way and stay friends or should I keep trying. Every time she goes out it goes thru my mind wondering if she is up to it again!!! I suffer with rumination really bad
> 
> Thank you Go


I am sure there are some other experts here better than me as I am trying to learn from them. But I can not allow my marriage to continue after finding out such thing occurred. I think relationships should end after discovering someone cheated on the other partner. To me this is a red line and that it's. Even if we are as a couples went through a lot, thinking about cheating is not an option no matter what. The way I think about it is that she does not deserve you. It is unbearable pain. I wish you better life with no suffer.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

You determine what your future will be - and looking at your past - I suggest you make a change or two.

I have read many times words to the effect: "I don't know anyone who has a regret in divorcing a cheater."

Maybe you should, yes? If relationships change - one can always restart the living together arrangement.

*"Every time she goes out it goes thru my mind wondering if she is up to it again!!! I suffer with rumination really bad "*

You won't get out of this situation without wife doing a lot of work on herself - and then you doing work on yourself.

Side note: Wonder who else has and/or has seen "the pictures?" I would see a lawyer about sending the schmuck a letter regarding posting such images on any platform. But if you decide to exit - don't waste the $$ - unless you think it would possibly benefit your children some time in the future.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'll be banging guys in her room if you share a house with those conditions. There will be guys walking out in a towel to get a drink from the fridge and a snack.

Can you not see this?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Gareth30 said:


> Hi thanks for the reply No the guy is a dad on the school run I collect my children every day apart from Mondays so it's a constant reminder he stays away from me but I boil up inside when I see the sight of him this happened 2 years ago but I'm constantly reminded even the first guy lives on my estate and I pass his house daily so it's a constant reminder she just pushes me away and never wanted to go for counceling she says she regrets it but I'm not sure


She regrets the crap it has caused her but she is not remorseful. She has cheated 2x you know of and is still going out trolling. She will cheat again...and again....Are you positive the children are yours?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Old thread, but I hope you didn't go through with this. Just divorce her and get her out.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Gareth30 said:


> My wife cheated on me in 2010 after 2 years of marriage since we have had kids and I constantly bring it up in arguments it ruminates thru my head daily for the last 10 years the guy sent me loads of pictures of her clothed and naked she also had another texting/emotional affair with another guy I have to see him daily I really want to smash his face in but I'm bigger that that I told his wife about it and his wife turned on me (strange) anyway I'm really struggling now and I don't know what I should do my wife is pissed off because I keep bringing it up should I just divorce in an amicable way and stay friends or should I keep trying. Every time she goes out it goes thru my mind wondering if she is up to it again!!! I suffer with rumination really bad
> 
> Thank you Go


I have been where you are and it is a hard time..it is a scar u will forever carry. But..I can tell you that it is possible to lessen that pain. You can choose to just let it go..i dont like to say forgive..because I find it hard to actually forgive someone for knowingly or intentionally hurting me the way my H did. I came to fork in the road years after my H cheated...I was not only punishing him but also myself. I was unhappy because I could not let it go, I was miserable because I kept bringing it up and reminding myself what he had done. I did not deserve to be punished or miserable, I did not cheat. So that brought me to what u are asking now..what do I do? Do I choose to stay with him and actually work on repairing our marriage, I know he was trying? Or do I just call it quits and move on? I did not love or trust him the same way I did before the infidelities..but did I still love him? My answer was yes, I did still have some love for him and I know he loved me. So I chose to let it go..I chose to try to put the past behind us and look to what was ahead...and since then I have been much happier in that area of our marriage. It no longer feels empty, I have allowed myself to love him again by letting the walls fall down..but I have yet to fully trust him. I have simply decided that if he chooses to do that again that is it, there will be no discussion, no warning, etc. I will pack my stuff and our kids and be done with it. And i made that crystal clear to him. I am not going to sit around wondering what he is doing or go snooping through his phone..all things come to light on their own anyways..but I refuse to ruin my life and my happiness because I am pining over his past indiscretions. If you cannot let it go..then I would try counseling and if that doesn't help then it may be time to part ways. You deserve to be happy and reliving past nightmares does not achieve that. Good luck.


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