# My marriage



## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

My wife cheated on me on Oct. 17th of this year. We were only married together for around a year and a half. She cheated on me twice, once at his house while I was sleeping at home and a second time at our home while I was at work. She confessed to me about the cheating a week after the second occurrence. I took it very hard and was very angry and felt betrayed. I love her with all my heart and chose to stay with her. She fully regrets what she did and is truly sorry. We have talked many many times and have discovered that the reasons that she cheated where because of poor communication between us. I thought the relationship was perfect, but she had some issues that she held inside that built up that she never told me. She has committed to being a better wife and plans to be 100% honest and loyal to me and communicate clearly with me how she feels. I believe that with honest and good communication that our marriage will be fine. I also believe that she is truly sorry and regrets what she did. She tells me things like she cant look at herself in the mirror because she can’t believe she hurt me so bad, and she calls me randomly at work crying because she can’t handle the pain she caused our marriage. So, I do think she is committed 100% to our marriage. The problem is that I can’t stop thinking about what she did. I forgave her, but it doesn’t get rid of the mental picture that my brain replays over and over. She will tell me that she loves me and in my head I think “well, if you love me then you wouldn’t have cheated on me.” I want to turn almost everything around in that way. She has been trying to be a better wife by doing things for me like rubbing my back, or cooking for me more often, but that doesn’t always make me feel better about what she did. Also, I have been thinking what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with someone else because when my wife and I got married, we were really each other’s first partner. I do not want to cheat on my wife, but sometimes I constantly think about it.

I am worried because when I read other post on here, I see people mention that the normalness of the marriage will never be the same and that we will reach a new normal. Will there be a time where I can hold a conversation with my wife and not think about her with another man? Will I be happy with the new normal that we will hopefully reach?


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't cheat!!! You see how much she hates herself for what she did? You'll just join her if you cheat. It's not something you want to experience!!!

You have lots of work to do yet, and so does she. Expect this thread to grow with the normal responses. And yes, your marriage will never have that 100% trust again. But you might be able to get real close. Some have, some haven't.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

It's absolutely normal to think about having a revenge affair. You think, "If she can have some fun, why can't I?" But, if you REALLY think about it, what will that accomplish?

If you think that you have communication problems, it's still present. You wrote that when she says that she loves you, you want to say, " Oh yeah? Then why did you cheat on me?" But, you hold your tongue. Why? You have pain! Let it out! Stop protecting her feelings, because she sure as hell didn't protect yours! You need to vent this out and I think the best venue to do this is at Marriage Counseling. I strongly think you need to get there.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Do you want to cause your wife the same kind of pain she caused you? Do you want to experience the same guilt and remorse that your wife is going through?


----------



## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Don't cheat!!! You see how much she hates herself for what she did? You'll just join her if you cheat. It's not something you want to experience!!!
> 
> You have lots of work to do yet, and so does she. Expect this thread to grow with the normal responses. And yes, your marriage will never have that 100% trust again. But you might be able to get real close. Some have, some haven't.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


I do not plan to cheat. I do not want to cheat. It is just thoughts. In response to another person, I do lash out on her often and say things in reguard to her cheating on me, but I feel like that it is not going to help the relationship at all and that I need to minimize it. When I am feeling extremely down about the situation, I always tell her how I feel and it leads to us crying together and getting everything off our chest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If she wants to reconcile (R), she has to do the following at a minimum:

- Write a "No Contact" agreement in front of you
- If the other man (OM) is married, contact his wife. She deserves to know.
- Both of you get tested for STD's. Yep, this is ugly.
- She has to be 100% transparent by giving you full access to her cell phone, all emails, all calls, all texts, and all internet site logins and passwords.
- She has to be accountable for all of her time. If she works with the guy, she needs to quit her job and find a new one.

Keep talking to her. Go to individual counseling (IC) and marriage counseling (MC). 

There are no guarantees on the outcome. Either of you could end it, or you both can save it. You'll notice that saving it is the only option that requires both of you.

You are in control now, like it or not. And this will likely tick you off at times and you will explode. She will have to take it. But you need to do your best to manage it and the damage it can do.

She is YOUR wife. You still need to treat her as such. And you need more than back rubs. You can buy those. You can't by the commitment and the acts of someone that is truly remorseful for their actions.

Tonight, just hold her in your arms and don't say a word. Hold her a long time. She will probably break down and cry. If she does, don't let go.

Good luck to your and your wife!


----------



## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Whoa... Cheated on you TWICE within being married for only a year and a half. Like Roger Waters says- "RUN LIKE HELL!"


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but you are in such big time denial.
1. She cheated on you at the very least two separate times.
2. She cheated on you putting your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested.
3. She cheated on you twice and you have only been married only18 months. Does she know what wedding vows mean?
4. SHE HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!. This is the ultimate in degrading you and your marriage. She has played you for a total fool.

You should seek an annulment and see a lawyer. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been? Do you feel proud and respected that she is your wife? You have been married 18 months and she screws another man in your home while you are at work. What is wrong with this picture?

Have you contacted the OM's wife or girlfriend to expose. Your attitude is amazing. I have a hunch that your wife felt that she could screw another man in your home and if it was found out then there would be no consequences anyway from you so why not? If she knew that this type of behavior would have meant automatic divorce do you think she would have engaged in this behavior?

I feel so sorry for you. You are still in your honeymoon period. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions show how little respect she has toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Sorry but you are in such big time denial.
> 1. She cheated on you at the very least two separate times.
> 2. She cheated on you putting your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested.
> 3. She cheated on you twice and you have only been married only18 months. Does she know what wedding vows mean?
> ...


Please please read the above post over and over until you can recite it, and then follow its advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No matter what you do---and that is up to you---if you stay---its a 2 to 5 yr. time period to mostly recover---some never recover, and the visions, they depend on how you control your sub-conscious.

You must not just let her off and sweep this under the rug---there MUST be harsh accountability, or somewhere down the line she will cheat again, knowing you did very little in re: her cheating this time.

18 months into a mge. the 2 of you should have still been starry-eyed lovers, and no one else in the world should even exist,----yet your wife is out having sex with other men.

You must set boundaries, with actionable consequences, NOT TALK BUT ACTION.

She needs to start communicating to you about everything-----and she does ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING TO GET BACK INTO THE MGE.

Unfortunately, you got a tuff row to hoe, as trust is gone, carefree is gone, peace of mind is gone---all because she couldn't see past her own selfishness

Make her sign a POST--NUP, so if she does this again---she knows she is going to give up most of her marital assets-----that might help a little

Before anything else is done---you need to get down to the deep down CORE WHY she did this, and fix it.

No fix, no mge.---for she will just repeat her cheating---gotta fix what caused this in the 1st place.


----------



## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Sorry but you are in such big time denial.
> 1. She cheated on you at the very least two separate times.
> 2. She cheated on you putting your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested.
> 3. She cheated on you twice and you have only been married only18 months. Does she know what wedding vows mean?
> ...


I did contact the other mans fiancé over facebook and exposed the affair.

Also there is more details. Like, I did think about leaving her but I chose to stay. I think that talked and found in our marriage where the problems are and what we are going to do to correct them. 

I know that she is sorry and regrets it. She told me within two weeks of the affair and has been apologetic and depressed since. Tonight, she cried in my arms for two hours and was miserable for what she did to me and our marriage. She has called me while she was at work in tears several times because of the guilt. I feel like she is truly sorry and that I can forgive her an expect our marriage to heal. It can't be back to normal but we can still be happy together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Rymaa---i am sorry--but you are going about this wrong.

If she has problems with her guilt, that is her cross to bear---NOT YOURS

HER 1ST AND FOREMOST PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH IS WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO YOU.

She needs to help you thru your pain, misery, visions, and whatever else. THAT COMES 1ST. Let her deal with her guilt, in her own way

But For what SHE CHOSE TO DO---none of this would be happening, and she needs to know it.

There must be harsh accountability in the beginning, or she will get the idea, you are an easy touch, and as I said before, she very likely may cheat again, if she doesn't like how things are going.

Right now it is her taking care of you and your needs, she deals with her own guilt, herself, you do not HELP her, you helping her is counterproductive, to what she HAS to learn, and that is that she cannot go outside the mge., take another man to herself, and that nothing will be done about it, or that you will subvert your pain and misery, to hers.

She has to kinow---she has wrecked your life, and basically if your life hasn't been wrecked, then why are you even here?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How did she justify bring the OM into your home and having sex with him in your home? Surely she had to know that this is a major deal breaker for most people. There is such huge symbolic significance to screwing her lover in your home while you are at work. How can you not see this? Have you both been tested for STD's. What have been the consequences to her actions?


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Rymaa, First and foremost, NEVER minimalize ANYTHING. The whole point of good communication is to be able to tell ALL, even the bad parts. Another word for minimalizing is rug-sweeping. Your wife has some very serious issues to deal with. So do you. You say she is sorry, but at this point what difference does that make? Can you live with a woman who , cheated on you in your own marriage bed? Do you know what she did? Will you be able to kiss the lips that maybe were on his penis? EFF the vagina that she willingly gave to a stranger? This may sound harsh, but these are the kind of images that you will have to face. Unpleasant aren't they. You have only been married 18 months, and already she has cheated twice, how many times can she cheat in 15 or 20 years? Do both of yourselves a favor, divorce. It will free you to find a good , loyal, faithful, one, and it will teach her a life lesson about how to be a married woman.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I remember the original thread. Did she cheat again or did she not tell you the truth the whole time? Just read your thread again Looks like she has some mental issues that you cannot help her with. I think you will keep on forgiving her. Are you prepared even to divorce if she cheats again? Think about what will make you divorce her.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

On November 5th, 2011, you posted that “He was just a friend, and she had no intentions of anything happening, but for some reason she said they ended up making out, and he fingered her, and she gave him oral sex.” On that date you also posted “I work nights and sometimes I sleep all day. She received the text and met him all while I was sleeping and got home before I was even awake. I feel like I am getting the whole truth.” The story that you are telling us now is very different. Now it was more than once. One of the times she had sex with him in your own home when you were at work. This is called trickle truth. She was not then and is not now telling you “the whole truth”. 

She trickle truths. You believe her. She cries. You forgive. She admits to more and the cycle begins again. Amazingly enough she even has you comforting her as she supposedly deals with her guilt. It is all about her in this story. You are nothing more than a bit player. This is only the beginning as she tests now how you will react. Your willingness to so easily believe and forgive her is setting her up to do this again. You can bank on that fact.

No kids and the beginning of your marriage is the right time to run. Later it will only get harder as she knows that you will then stay for the kids.


----------



## Rymaa (Nov 5, 2011)

TRy said:


> On November 5th, 2011, you posted that “He was just a friend, and she had no intentions of anything happening, but for some reason she said they ended up making out, and he fingered her, and she gave him oral sex.” On that date you also posted “I work nights and sometimes I sleep all day. She received the text and met him all while I was sleeping and got home before I was even awake. I feel like I am getting the whole truth.” The story that you are telling us now is very different. Now it was more than once. One of the times she had sex with him in your own home when you were at work. This is called trickle truth. She was not then and is not now telling you “the whole truth”.
> 
> She trickle truths. You believe her. She cries. You forgive. She admits to more and the cycle begins again. Amazingly enough she even has you comforting her as she supposedly deals with her guilt. It is all about her in this story. You are nothing more than a bit player. This is only the beginning as she tests now how you will react. Your willingness to so easily believe and forgive her is setting her up to do this again. You can bank on that fact.
> 
> No kids and the beginning of your marriage is the right time to run. Later it will only get harder as she knows that you will then stay for the kids.



This is nothing new. I am posting about the same situation. She only cheated on me the two time in a week time and confessed a few days after. All this was in November just not all in the first post because I found out about the second time a day later. The story has not changed. 

I do help her with her guilt because no matter how much she hurt me, I am stil her husband and I do love her and I feel that she needs me now just as much as I need her. I pray that I can evently get the visions of her cheating on me out of my head because feel like we have made good progress on our relationship. I have not swept it under the rug because we talked about it almost daily. We have set new ground rules and plan to be honest with each other about everything.

A bunch of you guys mention punishing her, but what could I do to punish without divorcing her. This doesn't make much sense to me. Considering that I want to work the marriage out, I am wanting to work on every aspect. My problems just as much as hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A newlywed wife who has sex with another man twice behind her husband's back but confesses because she "loves" him, is a woman with some serious personal issues that need to be addressed and resolved if there is any hope that she will never again betray her husband. Is she now going to individual counseling? What is she going to do as far as being transparent and accountable so she can earn back your trust?

Lastly, how much intimate time have you invested in your wife with such work schedule? If the answer is very little then you have helped create a sexless marriage that has created a bad environment where it made it easy for a POSOM (piece of sh!t other man) to seduce her. Granted that she is solely responsible for choosing to betray you, but you can help change that environment by giving her a little attention and affection before calling it a night. Don't leave her starving for you.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TRy said:


> On November 5th, 2011, you posted that “He was just a friend, and she had no intentions of anything happening, but for some reason she said they ended up making out, and he fingered her, and she gave him oral sex.” On that date you also posted “I work nights and sometimes I sleep all day. She received the text and met him all while I was sleeping and got home before I was even awake. I feel like I am getting the whole truth.” The story that you are telling us now is very different. Now it was more than once. One of the times she had sex with him in your own home when you were at work. This is called trickle truth. She was not then and is not now telling you “the whole truth”.
> 
> She trickle truths. You believe her. She cries. You forgive. She admits to more and the cycle begins again. Amazingly enough she even has you comforting her as she supposedly deals with her guilt. It is all about her in this story. You are nothing more than a bit player. This is only the beginning as she tests now how you will react. Your willingness to so easily believe and forgive her is setting her up to do this again. You can bank on that fact.
> 
> No kids and the beginning of your marriage is the right time to run. Later it will only get harder as she knows that you will then stay for the kids.


:iagree:

Not even two years in and she's already cheating because of alleged "communication issues"? Geez, just wait until you have kids. Then there's the daily grind of making ends meet, raising children, possibly owning property like a house, etc,.

You've been given a glimpse into your future with this woman. There's way too man betrayed spouses that come here who have swept their wayward spouse's affairs under the rug only to regret it years later after children are now in the picture. Naturally, you're blinded by love right now, so you proabably won't listen to the advice here.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She didn’t cheat because of communication issues, she cheated because she has poor boundaries and questionable morals. Regardless of how your marriage was going at the time, there is no excuse for her to go screwing other guys. This has nothing to do with you, something is wrong with her. 

Yea she is being remorseful and trying to be the perfect wife but the damage is already done. You have to now live with the fact that your relatively new wife is unfaithful and it will forever taint your marriage. It wasn’t like she was having an exit affair, she was just wanting to have fun screwing someone else and odds are later on down the road she may do it again. The first time is the hardest but after that cheating become much easier, especially if they know their WS will forgive them if they get caught.

I suspect within the next 6 months you’ll hit the anger phase. When that happens then you’ll see this in a whole new light. Many marriages don’t survive infidelity not because the WS leaves, but because in the end the BS doesn’t want them back.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to R, then you are not out to punish her BUT you do need to have her face consequences. Consequences are things that change and impact her as a result of her cheating.

First, consequence: she looses her secrecy and ability to be in the environment that enabled the affair.

Any friends who help, covered for, introduced etc her to the OM are gone from her life

All passwords, phone etc are now open to you.

She does not delete any texts.

She tells you where she is and you check up on her. Btw drop a gpst tracker on her phone.

She gets IC to discover and deal with what is broken inside her that let it get to sex. 

She pays for replacing any furniture in the house they used for sex.

She throws out and replaces any lingere and clothing she wore for him. 

See, consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you guys been together before getting married? 

Get tested for STDs.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> I am posting about the same situation. She only cheated on me the two time in a week time and confessed a few days after. All this was in November just not all in the first post because I found out about the second time a day later. The story has not changed._Posted via Mobile Device_


The story has changed since you first posted. A after you posted that you believed her when she said that she had told you everything, you learned that she had not told you everything and that there was more. Thus she lied for sure the first time and you had believed her. 

Now you believe her again with the new story that she told you after your first post with just as much conviction as the first story. Well pardon me but I question both your wife's truthfulness and your ability to know if she is telling the truth. Just because you desperately want to believe that she has told you everything does not mean that she has. The cold hard truth that you do not want to accept is that she cannot be trusted because she has already proven to be a liar and a cheat. No amount of wishing otherwise will make those facts go away.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Punishment sounds bad and wrong, but she must face some severe consequences for her action if there is to be any realistic hope of changing her. 

One I suggest is to make her take polygraph. This way, you will get the whole truth and she will be forced to own up to her ugly behaviors with no more deceits.


----------



## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If you want to R, then you are not out to punish her BUT you do need to have her face consequences. Consequences are things that change and impact her as a result of her cheating.
> 
> First, consequence: she looses her secrecy and ability to be in the environment that enabled the affair.
> 
> ...


I'm not saying you're right or wrong here, but I can't help but wonder ... Who in their right mind - betrayed or betrayer - would want to live under the terms you've laid out here?
What you describe is not a loving, respectful relationship between equal partners. It's closer to the relationship between prisoner and prison guard.

(Before someone says a cheater has surrendered the right to be called an equal partner, that's a fair statement. But then who would want to be in a marriage of unequal partners? What's the point of that?)

I can't imagine why a BS would choose to live in a relationship in which he must devote so much time and energy to tracking the movements and communications of their spouse. Likewise, I can't see why a cheater would wish to live under those punitive measures.
I certainly get why a BS would want to enact those kinds of measures, but don't see how they would lead to anything close to a normal, healthy marriage. 

If that's the future of your marriage, you're better off ending it and trying to make a normal life for yourself with someone you don't feel the need to monitor or someone who won't impose conditions upon you that serve as a constant reminder of a major failing in your life.

It's completely understandable if the BS can never get past her infidelity. But if that's the case, just divorce her, don't become her warden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Rymaa said:


> I did contact the other mans fiancé over facebook and exposed the affair.
> 
> Also there is more details. Like, I did think about leaving her but I chose to stay. I think that talked and found in our marriage where the problems are and what we are going to do to correct them.
> 
> ...


You are fresh into this. Your getting some very good advice on how to deal with the trust, betrayal, and pain your in. Please read it.

This will take time to iron out. There are quick fixes when you go through something like this. 

Your wife may feel guilty. Her tears may be real. But when it comes down to it, it's your pain too. Follow the advice your given. 

If you ask me, she is not ready for the committment of marraige. Communication is not a reason to cheat. It's a bad excuse. You both need counseling.


----------



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

She wanted to know what it would be like to be with another man, you want to see what it would be like with another woman. Have you ever thought that she could bring home another woman and the two of you could see what it would be like to be with her together?

It still sounds like cheating, but sounds good at the same time.... 

(I know I'm sick, I know what I'm talking about my next IC)


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Being a memeber of the cheating police, my prisoner has the choice to leave. She must really love me to stick around, completely change her "life style" and work on a healthier marriage in which I choose to guard and protect.

As I lead my marriage through healthier boundries it will always be my fWW to decide to go back to sleeping around or respect my boundries. Along with the boundries she also has the choice to except the consequences of her betrayal or move on.

Bottom line it is her choice.

Sorry for the thread jack.....felt like responding to Frank


----------



## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

the guy said:


> Being a memeber of the cheating police, my prisoner has the choice to leave. She must really love me to stick around, completely change her "life style" and work on a healthier marriage in which I choose to guard and protect.
> 
> As I lead my marriage through healthier boundries it will always be my fWW to decide to go back to sleeping around or respect my boundries. Along with the boundries she also has the choice to except the consequences of her betrayal or move on.
> 
> ...


That's fine and all, but what do you get out of a marriage in which you believe you need to police your wife? Wouldn't it be preferable to have a relationship with a woman whose fidelity is not dependent upon how closely she's being monitored. 

By all means, do what's best for you. I just have an honest curiousity as to why some see that kind of relationship as preferable to reasonable alternatives such as divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> I'm not saying you're right or wrong here, but I can't help but wonder ... Who in their right mind - betrayed or betrayer - would want to live under the terms you've laid out here?
> What you describe is not a loving, respectful relationship between equal partners. It's closer to the relationship between prisoner and prison guard.
> 
> I can't imagine why a BS would choose to live in a relationship in which he must devote so much time and energy to tracking the movements and communications of their spouse. Likewise, I can't see why a cheater would wish to live under those punitive measures.
> ...


certainly it woud be better to not have to deal with anything like this. But just jumping back into business as usually and rug sweeping will end up yielding the same results as the first time.

If you look through the list, each of these consequences Actually serves both sides. They give the WS concrete tasks to do to demonstrate commitment to the R. They give the BS the ability to openly check up if they feel the need for reassurance during the R process.

They also serve to concretely remind both parties that during the R, that the relationship dynamic has changes. Trust is frankly gone, and there isn't going to be any false proclamations of trust until has been earned through action,

This also serves to put the pieces in place to catch if the R is false, when so many are this is just being smart.

The lingere and furniture is just being decent in the you break it you bought it sense.

It sounds like you would like to see blind trust and acceptance from the beginning of the R. Good luck with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It sounds like you would like to see blind trust and acceptance from the beginning of the R. Good luck with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why yes, that's exactly what I wrote.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> certainly it woud be better to not have to deal with anything like this. But just jumping back into business as usually and rug sweeping will end up yielding the same results as the first time.
> 
> If you look through the list, each of these consequences Actually serves both sides. They give the WS concrete tasks to do to demonstrate commitment to the R. They give the BS the ability to openly check up if they feel the need for reassurance during the R process.
> 
> ...


I would add to what Shaggy says that I don't believe it is contemplated that these activities will continue for the rest of the marriage. These are steps to set up R. If R is successful, trust will be reestablished and the BS will be checking up less and less. It the BS continues to check up, that is a sign that R is not successful.


----------

