# Failing marriage and now cancer.



## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

Earlier this summer my husband said he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't see our marriage working out. He talked about separating but we have two kids, who mean the world to him, so it's just a complicated situation.

As if telling me I didn't make him happy anymore was hard enough, I later learned that he was having an emotional affair with a female he met earlier in the year. First it was emails then I discovered they've been talking on the phone. His reason is she makes him happy and that's something he's been missing from me.

He said he would stop talking to her after I decided to leave with the kids. I felt like he said that out of obligation though, I know he really didn't want to. They did contact each other again but he says it was to let her know they can't talk anymore. 

In the middle of all this, he's been up and down with how he feels about us. Part of him wants to make things work and part of him knows it's not going to happen. So basically I've been sticking it out for the kids and my financial stability, plus hoping deep down somehow we'd reconnect and find our way back to each other.

Well now on top of our marriage falling apart, we just found out that my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like my life is literally crumbling beneath me.

The failing marriage I can handle but the unknown about his health I can't. I love him of course and I wish nothing bad on him, but I just can't figure out what to feel. Part of me is angry that he quit on us and part of me feels terribly sad and scared for him.

I don't know where my place is. I want to be that loving wife to stand by him and support him through this but in my gut I know that's not reality. He's checked out and he even said after he got the news about cancer, that didn't change his feelings about us.

On top of that, I still feel like he's hiding something. I've checked our phone records and now notice there's been calls made on a calling card that look suspicious. It's like I can't shake that feeling that there's something going on.

This is by far the lowest point of my life. I don't know if I should support him when he's obviously not supporting me or us. But then my heart feels for him, naturally I care and want to be there for him.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreicated.
Thanks in advance.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

MaggyMae - I feel for you. You are caught in a difficult place. How long have you been married? What are the ages of your kids. What kind of cancer and what stage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Even if he's not fully in the marriage, it might help you to find a support group for the spouses of cancer patients. You need support for that. 

You could do some snooping to find out if he's up to anything. There is a good evidence gathering thread that you could search for and get some ideas of things you can do. Sometimes no knowing for sure is the hardest part.

Have you asked him why he has not left if he is not committed to the marriage?


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## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

Katiebird said:


> MaggyMae - I feel for you. You are caught in a difficult place. How long have you been married? What are the ages of your kids. What kind of cancer and what stage?


Thank you. I do feel like I'm in a difficult place.
Married 13 years. Two kids, 10 and 7.
Skin cancer but not sure of the stage yet, waiting on second opinion. 
This is all fresh news regarding his health, but the marriage issues has been going on all summer. It's like the icing on the cake to this whole mess.


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## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Even if he's not fully in the marriage, it might help you to find a support group for the spouses of cancer patients. You need support for that.
> 
> You could do some snooping to find out if he's up to anything. There is a good evidence gathering thread that you could search for and get some ideas of things you can do. Sometimes no knowing for sure is the hardest part.
> 
> Have you asked him why he has not left if he is not committed to the marriage?


Yes, I do feel like I need support in some way or another wether it's a group or counseling.

I brought up the calling card and he did admit he was calling an old friend, he had an affair with her years ago. He said he just needed someone to talk to. I'm still digesting that one.

The reason why he has not left is the kids. They are his top priorities and so for them we are hanging on by a thread. 

Plus on top of the recent cancer news, he knows he's going to need us as to stay together as a family for support.

We are sort of working on our marriage, if that makes sense. Like he's trying but I know things don't feel the same or the way I'd like them to. I remind myself baby steps though.

We talk, we are communicating more and not fighting like we used to. But the hurt and pain is still there especially with his lies and unfaithfulness.


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

I am sorry to hear that your husband has cancer and that your marriage isn't working well. I have been a survivor of colon cancer for almost 3 years and currently doing chemo. By having cancer, it has drawn me closer to my wife and children and the things that are most important in life.

What type of skin cancer does you husband have? Basal cell, Squamous cell, or melanoma? Melanoma is the worst and can be life threatening depending on the stage. The other skin cancers can often be cured by surgery alone or by topical medications his dr prescribes.

As horrible as cancer may be it can sometimes it can change a person for the better. If you are in your 30s or 40s, a cancer diagnosis can be a wake up call that none of us are immortal.
When one is fighting each day to live it can one's change one's perspective of life. As a cancer patient, your spouse, followed by your children, can become the most important figure in your life (as they should be anyway) especially if you have to depend on them more as caregivers. You husband may become more grateful and appreciative of all the things you do for him, but in a troubled marriage it may take some time for him to come to his senses. It may help to be patient and stand by him until he is cured or done with his treatments. But in the long run if he don't change and counseling and support groups don't help you should consider leaving him because you deserve better. It takes 2 committed people to make a marriage work, if you have done your part you shouldn't feel guilty about any decision you make.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your husband gets well and you can put your marriage back together.


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