# Completely lost about infidelity



## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

Hey forum, this is my first post. I've dug around a little and this seems like a great place for advice. I apologize for what is probably going to be a long post, but I need to talk to someone about this. 

I'm a husband who's wife was unfaithful. I discovered about 5 months ago that my wife (together 10 years, married just over 1 year) had been talking to and seeing another man for about 5 weeks. Their relationship was primarily "Emotional" with some physical contact (kissing) - based on what she has said and what I could verify on details. I caught it quick, but I am confident that if they were not having sex, it was just a matter of time. 

We had just found out that our first born child was on the way when this all started. We had a very strong friendship and marriage, so I was absolutely floored when everything came to light. She began acting a little different and something just didn't sit right, so I did some digging and discovered their text string and phone call records that started almost the day she found out she was pregnant. WTF??? 

This information while helpful in unfolding what happened, was also very damaging and heartbreaking to learn. She discussed things with him that were very passionate and intimate (she even referred to us having sex as her cheating on him). Definitely my first question I can't wrap my mind around - what would possess a woman in a good marriage and home who just found out she is pregnant to cheat on her husband with a complete loser???


Fast forward, we stayed separated for a few months and she has since moved back in so i can be there for the final months of the pregnancy. We have completed a paternity test to verify that i am the father. We have been trying to work things out (she is really working hard), but I just can't put as much effort in after knowing what she did to our marriage. Just being honest here...

Since this all happened, I have been confused and beside myself on everything. I really DON'T KNOW what I want to do with our Marriage. Our marriage and friendship was very strong and people say that if your marriage is strong you can work through it, but how strong is a 1 year old marriage that ends up like this, especially given the circumstances???

I am not the emotional type or the person who finds hope in random things - just being honest. This has and will eat away at me for a very very long time. I can't look at her or feel for her the same. The hurt is just too deep. 

Our child will be born in a few months and my whole life I have wanted nothing more than to bring my child/children into a great family life. I came from a divorced home and I never wanted to bring my children into this. My intuition tells me to stay together for the child which I am willing to do, even believing I will feel miserable being with her.

I am so confused on what to do or what is the best direction to go. I have no idea how I would be a single father and no desire to start my life over, but can't find the desire to stay with my wife after she did this during such an early and important point in our lives. Just seems like there is no way out. Just need to talk to someone about it. Anyone have anything for me?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Statistically. Little chance.
Sorry


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Apparently, she didn't think the marriage was any good and clearly has no genuine love or respect for you. And I can safely say never will. Nor will you ever be able to have true faith in her again.

Add to it, the chances she betrays again is high snd the chances of the marriage working long term is low.

My best advice is to stay with her for the birth, but divorce. It is better to divorce now and get your lives in order rather than an inevitable divorce in a few years and then splitting a family.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

BTW, you kept mentioning how it happened just after she found out she was pregnant, but I didn't bite on it as it is meaningless to her betrayal. She did that for her selfish fun and as she has a low regard for you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Are you sure that during the separation she was not carrying on her A with this POS, got dumped, and is now rushing back to you as Plan B since she knows she will need help after the baby arrives?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Are you sure that during the separation she was not carrying on her A with this POS, got dumped, and is now rushing back to you as Plan B since she knows she will need help after the baby arrives?


It's a fair point. You may simply be convenient for her.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> Are you sure that during the separation she was not carrying on her A with this POS, got dumped, and is now rushing back to you as Plan B since she knows she will need help after the baby arrives?


Well, can NEVER be confident about anything surrounding a situation like this. It was my choice to bring her back in though. 

She "said" she immediately broke it off with this guy the next day citing that her marriage was destroyed and all signs pointed there (she never call him again from her phone, she reconnected with me, no more of the one off behavior when I saw here). She was trying very hard to get back with me the whole time and still is. No change in behavior there during the separation and now. 

I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but everything was exposed when I confronted her. I made her mother pick her up as she was hysterical. She stayed with her parents through the separation who were VERY DISAPOINTED in her (I'm an outstanding ****en catch  This forced her to fess up to her family and close friends who all contacted me (including her parents) and were like WTF was she thinking… So she showed remorse right away as far as this goes.

As I stated above, you can never be too sure when you are with a cheater, but all the signs point to her telling the truth when she says she has never talked to this guy since.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds to me the remorse was over being caught and not the betrayal itself. Otherwise she would have immediately come yo you, confessed and begged forgiveness when she first did whatever she did.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Secretly VAR the car for a while. She needs monitoring. Secretly monitor Phone, all internet accounts, Facebook, emails... Complete openness passwords to everything. If she complains or resists, she's telling you something. Check phone bills, burner phones and behavior. Weightlifter has a ton of good info on this. Look at his sig for links. 

They can and do take things underground. Demand NC with consequences. Is OM married. Inform OMW (or GF). 

She needs consequences. You've chosen to R, but she needs to know you are free to move to D at any time for any reason. Even if you start D, you can cancel it at any time. She no longer has a vote on this matter. Ever. Perhaps sign a post-nup detailing what she'll lose.

Read up on MMSLP. A good read for any guy, married or single. This helps put the polish back on yourself regardless. If you've gained a few pounds, lose them now. Get to a gym and get buff. Raise your sex rank above hers.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

BTW, I let her move back in for ME. This is my/our first born child and I wanted to at least get some of the experience. 

All in all, she is taking the right steps - counceling, church, apologizing to friends and family about it, trying to improve the marriage, but I can't find it in me to move past this. I am honestly saying that I don't know how to forgive this or if I should… 

What sucks the most is that why we are going through all of this **** (and WE ALL ARE - me, her and my innocent baby developing in a super stressed out environment), that POS duchy bag is probably out there ****ing someone else's wife laughing about it.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The period of time between "kissing" and sex is about 30 seconds-1 minute in reality.

As a man, welcome to the shiitty world of unimaginable anger, disbelief and disgust. Hopefully, your OM won't be as quick to run and barricade doors as mine has been.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Read up on MMSLP. A good read for any guy, married or single. This helps put the polish back on yourself regardless. If you've gained a few pounds, lose them now. Get to a gym and get buff. Raise your sex rank above hers.


What's MMSLP? FWIW, Definitely in tip top sex ranking again  but can use my self confidence back… :scratchhead:


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

Forest said:


> The period of time between "kissing" and sex is about 30 seconds-1 minute in reality.
> 
> As a man, welcome to the shiitty world of unimaginable anger, disbelief and disgust. Hopefully, your OM won't be as quick to run and barricade doors as mine has been.


Yea, I was able to read all text communications between them which was somewhat reassuring that kissing and sexting is where it ended, but I will still always have my doubts. Regardless, the emotional connection was enough to punish our marriage very badly...

As for him, he moved, changed his phone #, grew a beard and quit his job <- no BS. I called him a few days after it went down to let him man up to my face and he VM'd me, then sent a text "You have the wrong number" -I know for sure it was him, but after that, the phone was disconnected. :rofl: What a ****en camel toe. Almost hope he did get some ass to have to have gone through all that. :lol:


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

GibsonLP said:


> What's MMSLP? FWIW, Definitely in tip top sex ranking again  but can use my self confidence back… :scratchhead:


Just my opinion FWIW, low to no self confidence=low sex rank. But what do I know, I'm just a girl.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Just my opinion FWIW, low to no self confidence=low sex rank. But what do I know, I'm just a girl.


You're 100% right Kristin! Was saying physically, the other part takes time after something like this. It's been said on here a million times in a million different ways, but it really strips you of your self dignity when something like this happens. 

I'm working on that part, but it takes time…


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

GibsonLP said:


> What's MMSLP? FWIW, Definitely in tip top sex ranking again  but can use my self confidence back… :scratchhead:


MMSLP. On amazon. 

Married mans sex life primer by Athol Kay. Good read. Thought provoking. 

Will boost sex rank for sure!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She cheated on you within the first year of marriage. Not long term material.

I'm glad you verified the paternity of the child. Well within your rights to be part of the birthing process. I would be clear with her your intentions long term whatever they may be in the meantime. Not that she deserves that consideration but still.

Curious as to why you had such a long courtship before you married her. 9 years while not unheard of is a long time. Usually we poop or get off the pot by then. Were there ever doubts from either one of you? I have to wonder if all wasn't wine and roses during those nine years if she could then cheat so easily during the honey moon phase of the marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She cheated on you within the first year of marriage. Not long term material.
> 
> I'm glad you verified the paternity of the child. Well within your rights to be part of the birthing process. I would be clear with her your intentions long term whatever they may be in the meantime. Not that she deserves that consideration but still.
> 
> ...


Well, to answer your first part, I don't know what I am going to do in the long term. Kinda the "Lost" part I'm referring to in the title. I just don't know. I can have white or wheat bread, but I think it's still going to be a **** sandwich… 

As for the 2nd part, we were together over 9 years before we were married. Those 9 years we were very close like we were already married. We had a great relationship and friendship and we took the "If it ain't broke" approach to it. I went through some financial issues with my business when the economy flopped, so that impacted us getting married too. Wanted to wait till we were back on our feet and when we were, we got married. Her family always considered us married and vice versa. Was really a full monte wedding FWIW… 

This incident was by far is the most major thing we have had in our relationship and it really came out of no where. Hasn't been all roses though. About 7 years ago she was texting an X BF who lived in a different state and getting caught up on another emotional / attention thing there. I confronted her about that and it stopped then. It by no means Was OK, but it was something we could work through. It was a little more "understandable" (not acceptable) then as I was a little out of character being stressed about finances. This time, everything was fine and we just learned we had our first baby on the way which we had been trying for several months… The first incident, although behind us, does come back to haunt her now... 

Just a really unfortunate decision. Don't know why she deicided to do this and I don't know that she does either. She said this dude gave her emotional attention (which is clear in their texting - imagine that… A dude wants some ***** and he coddles a chicks emotions…  Is a little attention worth ****ing your marriage up? Your husband up? Putting your pregnancy at risk? Putting your childs upbringing at risk? Losing everything you have built in life??? WTF!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Take your tome before you make any final decisions.

How did you find out all this? The kissing? I know you found their text convos after. If she admitted to "just kissing" I'd be leery that she is throwing you a bone by admitting to a less major offense.

When is the baby due? Congrats on fatherhood, everything else aside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

So in a nutshell she's cheated on you twice already. When a person shows you who they are.... etc.

She's having a baby, she wants your security. As soon as things get tough when the baby is born (and they will) she'll be sniffing around again and blaming it on that


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There is only one rational choice — divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Sounds more like she cheated on you emotionally 7 years ago with her ex and again physically 5 months ago with the OM. 

As much as you're trying to do to save your marriage, there doesn't seem to be any "us" involved in working on it. It's been YOU either making excuses for her or beating yourself up over how you could be better for her. 

She cheated on you twice now that you know of and within a matter of months of your marriage. She's not trying to show you how committed she can be, she's just using you in between her affairs. 

If your intuition tells you that she's not right for you LISTEN TO IT and do not ignore that feeling. Your gut is telling you to leave her for a reason your head doesn't want to listen to. You can deal with coparenting and survive divorce.

The only thing staying together with her for your child is going to do is make you miserable. You'll probably have to deal with a lot more of her affairs, shut yourself down emotionally just so you can keep the peace and be with her, and you're going to imprint on your child the makings of a his own toxic relationships in the future.... Because it will be what feels comfortable to him being either the cheater or getting cheated on himself.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

I completely follow you and just about everyone on this. I do get it, trust me! What I am scared for is my baby. What happens there? I have never prepared to be a single father and her a single mother… I want what's best for the baby. If we D, we both have to start an entirely new life over with an infant and just hope we I can shield them from all of the change going on. Throw some lawyers in there and there are custody battles. 

Lawyers, children, houses for sale, cars in each others name, furniture & valuables to split up... All while learning to be a good parent? I just don't see the practicality in this just to escape a doomed relationship. Starts to make me feel like the bad guy here. Thats the other **** sandwich… 

I think if the child was out of the picture, it would be a much easier decision, but I don't know how I cope with explaining why mommy and daddy don't live together and he said / she said and I don't want to go home with mommy tonight or vice versa or I want to spend Christmas with Mommy... 

The cheating is a heavy weight, but thinking of bringing a baby into that world is absolutely crushing. This is my first child and I have every intention in the world to give them nothing less than an excellent life.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If she started all this texting at the time she found out she was pregnant she most likely "knew" this guy and thought it was his child. Did you force the paternity test or was it her idea to do it to prove it was you're? What is the % of probability its yours? You did see the report, not just take her word for it....right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There are companies out there where for $300 you can get a kit through the mail and swab the inside of your cheek and the inside of your baby's cheek and send it back to them. You'll get the results in something like a week or two.


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she started all this texting at the time she found out she was pregnant she most likely "knew" this guy and thought it was his child. Did you force the paternity test or was it her idea to do it to prove it was you're? What is the % of probability its yours? You did see the report, not just take her word for it....right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I saw the test. It was mutual and she actually pushed for it in hopes it would ease some tensions. Would have made it a complete no brainer for me on the D if she didn't pass… It came back 99.999. She paid for it out of her own savings too BTW.

I involved a PI to do the phone decryption to get the deleted texts. I didn't take this as any light matter and did my homework before approaching it (excellent advice to anyone with suspicions). 

I have done some pretty extensive digging into the situation considering the circumstances & nothing to believe there was anything going on until 6 weeks +/- into the pregnancy (about the first week after we found out) <- WTF BTW… Countless discussions with her and detailed questions. I have taken note of every detail, time, date, place ETC that i can capture of her story and put it next to their texted words and phone call history. 

While it does make sense that the baby could have been his, I can really say that I can go back to the first texts and everything is very new between them and not even sexual in nature upfront. You can see everything just blossom watch over the next few weeks into very detailed sexts, meeting "Secretly", private details about us. She even talks about what a great relationship we have -> WTF???

Not in denial about anything, it just makes sense that she was never worried about the baby being his, especially when you add in how willing she was to take and pay for the paternity test out of her savings.

Why is my question… Why cheat when you are pregnant and happy and even tell him you are happy? I don't get it at all… I know I don't have to "Get it", just what happened, but it binds me up a lot, just trying to figure out the psychology behind a woman who would do this at such a time in her life…


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

This is almost beyond comprehension.  Hell, man, you should still be deep in the honeymoon phase....the ink is barely dry on your marriage license. I fear for your future and the future of your unborn. Good luck in whatever decision you have to make.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

GibsonLP said:


> Lawyers, children, houses for sale, cars in each others name, furniture & valuables to split up... All while learning to be a good parent? I just don't see the practicality in this just to escape a doomed relationship. Starts to make me feel like the bad guy here. Thats the other **** sandwich…
> 
> I think if the child was out of the picture, it would be a much easier decision, but I don't know how I cope with explaining why mommy and daddy don't live together and he said / she said and I don't want to go home with mommy tonight or vice versa or I want to spend Christmas with Mommy...


Think how much worse it will be 10 years down the line


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she started all this texting at the time she found out she was pregnant she most likely "knew" this guy and thought it was his child. Did you force the paternity test or was it her idea to do it to prove it was you're? What is the % of probability its yours? You did see the report, not just take her word for it....right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I was thinking. I think she banged the guy. 

A lie detector test might be in order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If you could step outside this, and look at it from an outsider's point of view, what would you conclude? Just curious. Would you think she was a deplorable person to act that way while married and carrying a child?

Still, I can wholly understand your situation. This is your wife and child, and you are the husband and father. The most impossible thing to walk away from.

Does she seem to WANT to reform? Does she act like you feel she should?

I honestly just don't know what is with people. Why do they marry, why do they vow? How can they ditch those things and still look themselves in the mirror. Simply astounding.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

GibsonLP said:


> Just a really unfortunate decision. Don't know why she deicided to do this and I don't know that she does either. She said this dude gave her emotional attention (which is clear in their texting - imagine that… A dude wants some ***** and he coddles a chicks emotions…  Is a little attention worth ****ing your marriage up? Your husband up? Putting your pregnancy at risk? Putting your childs upbringing at risk? Losing everything you have built in life??? WTF!


Gibson, there is just people that is wired like that, just like there are men who have the "perfect" wife, beautifull, devoted, supportive, lovely, but at the first sign of a [email protected] throwing at them they go and take the bait (even if they were not looking for it), there are also women who have the "perfect" husband, loyal, hardworking, devoted, good looking, and at the first sign of emotional feeding they go and take the bait, we have Tons of cases like that here, you caould have been the perfect partner covering 98% of her needs and desires, but that extra 2% that was being covered for the OM at the moment seemed so important because after all the 98% even in a subconscious level was already secured.

That is how marital predators act, they know that, a good place where you can analyze this data is at places like surviving the affair, when you enter in the WS section of the people trying to save their marriages you will notice that for women their OM many times were inferior to their husbans in so many aspects (looks, age(older), personality, social skills, money), but the women didn't noticet it (or decided to ignored at the moment) is not until they have their husbands at risk that they began an objetive mesurament.

OMs marital predators know this and act as consequence, many of them reamain singles for life because they don't trust women anymore (you can check this in players pages), of course i am talking right now from the point of view of males I can do the same for females and we will find and equally number of WS willing to sacrifice everything they have for quickies with women many times inferior to their wives (in this cases more just for the the quick and easy access to cheap sex).

my point is there are women and men that is prone to fall for the opposite sex advances if they think they will get away with it (nor mattering that their partners are tons of times better that the quick source of thrill)

a recently example of everything wha I wrote:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/212194-one-year-later-i-am-more-depressed.html

there was another user with an story very similars to you, that he also catched his wife before going physical with an ex and then years had and affair for 3 yers withg a cooworker until her husband found recently and ofcourse now she is the perfect wife again, they also had a very good marriage and her excuse for betraying her trust again is because the guy put attention to her, sorry man but that conduct does not change is just represed until the BS falls in teh comfort zone again


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

GibsonLP said:


> What sucks the most is that why we are going through all of this **** (and WE ALL ARE - me, her and my innocent baby developing in a super stressed out environment), that POS duchy bag is probably out there ****ing someone else's wife laughing about it.


He needs a beating.

Maybe by someone whose wife he's been boinking...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Have you had any kind of reckoning with the other man? 

How did she meet him? Why did it end?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Gibson, 

I'm a female and have never cheated on anyone. I unfortunately know many chreating females and cheating so easily and this early, they always cheat again down the road. 

I'm also a mom who had to divorced when my kids were pre-teens. I would much rather have divorced and moved on when they were young. It seems impossible now but trust me, it will be harder when your child is older. 

The good thing is, you are friends and that should be great for your child's future. Your marriage is just a friendship to your wife and I see her getting bored down the road. 

Right now, life is all about you/her. When that baby comes, all bets are off. The only one that gets sleep or attention is usually the baby. 

If you can divorce and move on, it doesn't mean you can't remarry later down the road.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

GibsonLP said:


> This incident was by far is the most major thing we have had in our relationship and it really came out of no where. Hasn't been all roses though. *About 7 years ago she was texting an X BF who lived in a different state and getting caught up on another emotional / attention thing there*. I confronted her about that and it stopped then. It by no means Was OK, but it was something we could work through. It was a little more "understandable" (not acceptable) then as I was a little out of character being stressed about finances. This time, everything was fine and we just learned we had our first baby on the way which we had been trying for several months… The first incident, although behind us, does come back to haunt her now...
> 
> Just a really unfortunate decision. Don't know why she deicided to do this and I don't know that she does either. She said this dude gave her emotional attention (which is clear in their texting - imagine that… A dude wants some ***** and he coddles a chicks emotions…  Is a little attention worth ****ing your marriage up? Your husband up? Putting your pregnancy at risk? Putting your childs upbringing at risk? Losing everything you have built in life??? WTF!




She has indicated a strong tendency to drift to other men.

Long term marriage with her will cost you years of monitoring, suspicions and paranoia.

Divorce her.

Better for your child to grow up with a father who loves him/her then for the child to be caught in the middle. When your child is older he/she will blame him/herself for the truly messed up marriage/family.

Did the DNA test tell you if the sex of the child?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The bottom line is this:

She was cheating 6 weeks into her pregnancy of her first child during the first year of her marriage. What more do you need to know?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

What kind of DNA test did you use?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Gibson, 

So sorry you are here. Its a horrible place to be because it svcks so bad. Our marriages change so much in a instant. The ww never even think about what it does to us, the bs, or what it will do to them within the marriage either. Would you believe I have male friends that have said to me, "Whats the problem? I've had many affairs with married women and it's been ok for me." WTF???? It changes everything thing and we the bs is the one it all falls squarely on to deal with it all. It's all so unfair. Unfair is too kind of a word really. So sorry you have to experience this awful awful experience.

~sammy


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gibson what it comes down to is what you feel you can live with and what you can't. Take your wife out of the equation for a moment. 

Ask yourself "what do I want out of life? What do I want to do, experience and become?" 

Then ask yourself. "Can I do these things with my life while being married to a woman who cheated on me twice? A woman who has proven, through her actions, that she is broken and cannot be trusted?"

You've got some big decisions to make, and it's best not to linger on them too long.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

GibsonLP said:


> Why is my question… Why cheat when you are pregnant and happy and even tell him you are happy? I don't get it at all… I know I don't have to "Get it", just what happened, but it binds me up a lot, just trying to figure out the psychology behind a woman who would do this at such a time in her life…


Complex questions require complex answers.

Why cheat when she was pregnant and happy?

Because she could. See, simple questions get simple answers!

She knew she could. She'd done it before and you let it slide. Now she gets drama and doubt and fear and self loathing and just a whole toxic mess of emotions to spice up her life.

And as a bonus, you get all that turmoil, too.

And to show her how strongly you disapprove of this kind of behavior, you, uh, well, uh, you TOOK HER BACK!

THAT'LL TEACH HER!

I have to think that you're not "completely lost about infidelity," man. You've had a front-seat experience with it twice now, with the same partner. It's a path you know, because you've been down it before.

Perhaps you're actually struggling with "how do I get over having been betrayed?" 

That is a complex question. MMSLP will definitely give you a framework of reference, so, yeah, go read that multiple times. Other than that, I'm drawing a blank.

I'm afraid you may have made a real bad choice of partners to marry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You are so early in the m moving on should not be a problem.
I don't remember have you had a DNA test done yet?
Sorry you are here.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

The Next Guy: Did your Ex-Girlfriend or Ex-Wife Downgrade? | Shrink4Men


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Complex questions require complex answers.
> 
> Why cheat when she was pregnant and happy?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Nut up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who was the guy? What have you found out about him? How do they know each other?

How does your wife explain what happened?

Is she in counseling?


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## GibsonLP (Aug 30, 2014)

tom67 said:


> You are so early in the m moving on should not be a problem.
> I don't remember have you had a DNA test done yet?
> Sorry you are here.





tom67 said:


> You are so early in the m moving on should not be a problem.
> I don't remember have you had a DNA test done yet?
> Sorry you are here.


Lots of new questions. The Paternity test liked for my DNA in hers via the baby. Was very expensive and showed 99.999%.

In all honesty, my gut says thay she is real in her new approach to the marriage (I say gut for the obvious caveman reason). It doesn't help the forgiveness process though... 

She met him at work (she was his supervisor) and broke it off the day after I confronted her with my prepared case (our conversation was in the evening before).

I don't know what I want to do and agree I need to think more about it. 5 months has accomplished very little progress. 

To anyone out there who has gone through this, does divorce during infancy have little effect since the child never knows the other way, or does it make for a life full of grief?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

GibsonLP said:


> Lots of new questions. The Paternity test liked for my DNA in hers via the baby. Was very expensive and showed 99.999%.
> 
> In all honesty, my gut says thay she is real in her new approach to the marriage (I say gut for the obvious caveman reason). It doesn't help the forgiveness process though...
> 
> ...


I feel for you man. I am in the middle of a separation/divorce with a 3 and 2 yr old. It's very tough by yourself but you have to figure out what you can live with. I'm trying to figure that out for myself now.
Whoever posted the link to the shrink4men article: thanks so much. That describes my STBX and OM perfectly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I have no experience in this area, but I would think divorce would be easier on an infant than a toddler or older. The baby has much less idea of it's surroundings. Wants milk and a clean diaper. I would also think it's much easier for a baby to adjust to parents living apart from the get go than parents who separate down the road.

Now single parents dealing with an infant, alone at night. I don't envy that but many folks have to do it, by choice or otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

GibsonLP said:


> Why is my question… Why cheat when you are pregnant and happy and even tell him you are happy? I don't get it at all… I know I don't have to "Get it", just what happened, but it binds me up a lot, just trying to figure out the psychology behind a woman who would do this at such a time in her life…


She seems to be an opportunity cheater. That's less common with women I think. That would be a hard thing to rationalize for me as well.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My 2 cents, as a BS man with a 7-year-old son when I discovered my stbxWW similar affair (kissing and more, but no sex from what I can surmise), and who decided to leave the marriage as a result: At the end of the day, it doesn't matter WHY she did what she did... she DID it. It sounds like you know in your gut that you are not going to get past this, and are only considering staying for the child's sake.

Noble thought, but a mistake. I rarely suggest a decision on staying or leaving, and I am all for R if the BS is all in for it. You're not.

You child will never know the alternative, will grow up knowing dual households as his/her normal. You will make it your #1 priority to ensure it is so, and is ok and it works. So it will be fine. Not perfect, but it also would be less than perfect if you stayed. Your angst and tension in the home will be there, no matter how much you try to suppress it or hide it. Kids see love, or lack of it. What kind of a life is that for all 3 of you? My parents stayed together for us kids, and was a relief when they split, but hard because our 'normal' was rocked. 

You have a chance to establish your normal from Day 1 and should be embracing it and making it work, starting now so there are no surprises.

Short story: I moved out in July 2 years ago. That September, my son started 2nd grade. First day of school, the kids are asked to write down some things about themselves, for teacher and other kids to get to know them. My son writes a few things, then adds "I have two homes"... whereas I was mortified when I walked into his school and saw this hanging over his cubby, he is almost proud of it, as it defines a part of his reality and there is no shame for him. He "gets to" have two rooms, two sets of toys, two experiences, two neighborhoods, two christmas trees... Lesson learned for me right there. I had the issue, not him.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Wait a minute, I think I may know why she cheated. 

She was faithful during the chase and those 9yrs (really 7yrs) before he married her, but once he committed to her and showed her he would always be there for her she freaked out and cheated. The woman has issues with trust in relationships. 

*Just a thought.....*

She orchestrated this whole thing sabotage her marriage, probably because she has issues with abandonment and fears every man that loves her will leaver her..... Hence why she hooked up with the *********. He's the only one that she won't fear will get too committed to her, because she has to chase him. The fun for her is in the drama she has created for herself. 

I may be wrong, but I kinda get the sense from her that she had a lot of issues with abandonment growing up and her pregnancy just triggered something in her. I don't want to reach for a personality disorder label, but she's definitely got issues and she's not someone you should trust to be faithful to you. 

*Think about what you told us about her already..... *

*She has no problems confiding in strangers about your marriage in every private detail. 

*She has poor boundaries with regards to relationships.... She lets *********s get too close.

*She cheats on you for attention. 

*She cheats on you and only breaks things off when confronted, ie. when you stop wanting her. When that happens she chases you until she can win you back, but she doesn't act like she's very remorseful.

*she not only fell in love with this man when she was committed to you, she cheated on him to keep you around. He wanted to have her cake and eat it too. 

*She has issues with her parents..... They like you and are disappointed in her. 

*Does any of this sound like characteristics of a good wife to you?*


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I just have to add something for the men. 

If MY WIFE ever gave me cause to take a paternity test, END of it, period. IMO, that is looooooow.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Wait a minute, I think I may know why she cheated.
> 
> She was faithful during the chase and those 9yrs (really 7yrs) before he married her, but once he committed to her and showed her he would always be there for her she freaked out and cheated. The woman has issues with trust in relationships.


My thoughts is that she would think there's no way he'd suspect her messing around because she's pregnant. Hence oportunity cheater. She decides to mess around when the risk is low that she'd be found out.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

She is a serial cheater. Not only that, but she had sex with a guy, knowing she was pregnant with YOUR child. She will cheat again. 

If you must stay with her then at least move to a state with her that still has at fault divorce. When she does cheat again this will help you get custody of your child. Don't get her pregnant again.

For the sake of your child, don't be blind to what you are getting into by staying with this woman. 

I see a life of heartbreak ahead for you if you bury your head in the sand and about the reality of where you are headed by staying with her.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I see the same thing, she thought this was an easy freebie so she went for it.

Wash rinse repeat.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Complex questions require complex answers.
> 
> Why cheat when she was pregnant and happy?
> 
> ...



And that's the bottom line really. People get married for all sorts of reasons. Some actually do it because they are in love and willingly commit to a faithful union for their entire lifetime. 

Some marry because they care for you and feel you are their best friend. Some marry because a lot of time has been invested and maybe they even feel obligated to marry you. Others marry because they feel you might be the best they can do. Still others marry because they believe it's a good time for them. It's convenient for them to get married and start a family. Some marry because they love the person but aren't really in love with them. Some marry strictly for money and others marry for the security a spouse and family can offer.

If you married because you were in love and wanted a faithful committed relationship for life, you damn sure better be sure that the other person married for those same reasons and not for one of the many other reasons I mentioned above.

A friend of mine married a woman back in the early 90s that he felt was very attractive. He overlooked what I would have thought would have been some caution flags in their dating relationship. Anyway, they got married and 6 years later they got divorced after he found out she had had multiple affairs.

Turns out that she only married him because she really wanted to be a Doctor's wife. She got married because of the "perceived" lifestyle she believed she would have and apparently not much else. He asked me how was he ever going to learn to trust and love a woman again. I told him to choose more wisely next time. Simple as that.

My W told me when she said "yes" to my proposal of marriage that she was in love with me and would live in a single wide trailer with me if it ever came to that. My W's family took good care of her and it would have been quite the sacrifice so I know that she must have meant what she said.

Fortunately, we've never had to go that route in the 29 years we've been together but the sentiment was not lost on me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Out of curiosity Gib, whose idea was it to postpone marriage seven, eight, or nine years? I know you attempted to explain it in a earlier post but one of you was the leader and the other went along with that decision. What made the marriage happen when it did?


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

GibsonLP: Just a simple observation. You are still Plan B. You have been her security blanket, the provider who assures her of a decent life. Don't trust her hysterics. She fears the loss of her security blanket. She's scared, frantic. She's doing everything she can to try to keep you not because of love, but because she is scared as hell of losing all that she had.

She put you on the shelf, strayed and did so very easily, and now is doing everything she can to keep you from leaving her. it's not because of love, it's her own future she's worried about, especially with a child on the way.

The two of you can stay friends, set up a custody agreement, you can still be a part of your child's life, but you simply cannot trust her actions right now. As bad as it seems now, divorce may save you a lifetime of pain and hurt.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

GibsonLP said:


> Lots of new questions. The Paternity test liked for my DNA in hers via the baby. Was very expensive and showed 99.999%.
> 
> In all honesty, my gut says thay she is real in her new approach to the marriage (I say gut for the obvious caveman reason). It doesn't help the forgiveness process though...
> 
> ...


R is not a must, each day is a gift your give her.

R is not for everybody


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Comes down to this. If this was the only time she did this then for the most part, you can fix it, but she did this once before and that's a whole new ball game.

IMO, you better be prepared for this happening again but the next time, she's going to learn from her past mistakes which will make it harder for you to find out.Plain and simple, if you didn't bust her on both occasions, she would have had sex with these guys and for all you know it may have happened.

If it was me and she was willing to take a paternity test then make her shell out a few more bucks and take a polygraph test and let her know that if she gets caught lying then it's over.

As far a you child goes. I honestly believe that a kid is better in a single parent home as opposed to a home where the parents are at each others throats 24/7.

If your not happy and you feel in your heart that after giving her a chance the first time and she did it again and you want out then do it. If your miserable then she will be miserable and so will your kid when all he/she hears is mom and dad fighting. 

Keep your emotions in check. This wasn't your fault and she needs to take responsibility for her behavior and bad decisions.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> Comes down to this. If this was the only time she did this then for the most part, you can fix it, but she did this once before and that's a whole new ball game.
> 
> *IMO, you better be prepared for this happening again but the next time, she's going to learn from her past mistakes which will make it harder for you to find out.*Plain and simple, if you didn't bust her on both occasions, she would have had sex with these guys and for all you know it may have happened.
> 
> ...


Two words that will make this VERY likely to happen again.

Postpartum depression.

If you stay married to her, read up on this. You may be able to head the 3rd time off at the pass...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

GibsonLP said:


> What's MMSLP? FWIW, Definitely in tip top sex ranking again  but can use my self confidence back… :scratchhead:


Having a good physique is extremely important, but if you combine that with strapping on a Les Paul and plugging that into a Marshall on stage in front of about 200 drunk chicks in halter tops, your sex rank goes through the roof! Are you gigging at all?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Gibson
> Why is my question… Why cheat when you are pregnant and happy and even tell him you are happy? I don't get it at all… I know I don't have to "Get it", just what happened, but it binds me up a lot, just trying to figure out the psychology behind a woman who would do this at such a time in her life…




Assuming that your wife was happy but compromised her integrity over emotional attention, and then betrayed you, I would first say that your wife is a WEAK woman. Secondly, she does not have a strong moral commitment.

The psychology behind her actions is than she proved that she is more interested in her self (selfishness –ID) than you or the child. Even though that may be a character that some or many of us have it does nothing to ease your pain. I know it may be very hard for you to accept this reality because you were convinced that your wife did not have those character defects. Everyone has the ability to be selfish and hurt others but it is those that have good boundaries, good string character, healthy emotions, and a committed moral position that have the best chance of avoiding such devastating betrayals. 

You now have some decisions to make for yourself. You can adjust your view of your wife, your future actions and interactions with your wife, and R or you can D.
In either case it is going to help you to forgive. If you forgive you will deflect some of the emotional pain that you have. I am not saying that you accept this as if nothing happened or that consequences be dismissed or prevented. There is going to be some consequences one way or the other regardless of what you do.

Some Consequences can be that your wife will have a hard time building up her self image, and you will no longer have a real high admiration for her loyalty to you or you will never have the degree of trust in her that you had before her betrayal. Those are few of the consequences and there can me more.


Assuming that your wife is truly remorseful and shows true repentance and you want to R then you BOTH can work at making your marriage as betrayal proof as possible. This will not be a matter of months or years but decades. Getting professional help will help both of you get a much better understanding. This understanding can be critical as you both are very sensitive right now and can unintentionally take the wrong actions and both of you will be too sensitive to react correctly.

If you cannot deal with this betrayal then you can D. I used to think that a divorced family will affect the children to a great degree. Now that I have watched those divorced couples lives for many years I can see that a couple that does the right things can eliminate almost all negative affects on the children. In some case divorce is better than couples that stay together with resentments and bitterness.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The ability of a human female to conceive and bring a child to term has nothing to do with her moral compass. Your WW was an affair waiting to happen before she got pregnant, even before you married her. She's broken and weak. 

It's funny how some think pregnant women are sacrosanct. It's not true. Case in point: preggo porn... 

Pregnant women, in font of a camera, having sex with make porn actors for money...essentially prostituting their unborn children to make a buck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just because she's trying to reconcile doesn't mean you have to be the white knight here.

She threw the relationship away. At least twice.

It doesn't mean you have to pick it back up because she wants you to.

As Scotty said, fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me...


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

I'll just add this...

Due to a baby on the way, this is the highest % chance this could be a fake R. Not saying it is.

Curious... if this was a PA instead of an EA, would that make a difference in your choice to stay married? Then I'd get a lie detector test.
I think her demanding a paternity test & paying for it was simply because she knew that she had sex with the guy after finding out she was pregnant with you. She was confident in the result, and knew it would end your sniffing around the 'truth' in that matter.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

LongWalk said:


> There is only one rational choice — divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GibsonLP said:


> but can't find the desire to stay with my wife after she did this during such an early and important point in our lives.


Intuitively you've hit upon what is common advice here. When a spouse cheats this early in the marriage, the odds of them staying faithful long term are low. Not to mention what else was at stake with her pregnancy. An even worse case scenario would be to have invested further years in the marriage with more children and she does this again.

I know it's difficult, but I think you need to separate her infidelity from her pregnancy. Think about it this way: If you were single and had gotten someone else pregnant from a one night stand, but knew she was terrible wife material - would you marry her because she was pregnant? I wouldn't. There are a lot of single dads around who are fully involved in their child's lives. You can be one of those.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I will presume that you are only in the picture cause you are the father of her baby.

Her survival instincts have kicked in here. As for her loving you i doubted.


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