# Need some advice, 911



## jdaddog (Jul 25, 2011)

Hello all,

DD was Today, 7/27/2011. A few weeks back I finally got my wife of 22years to admit to an EA. She claimed they only emailed, never met, and only talked on the phone once. It was difficult to believe, so I started to look into phone records. 

In the mean time, we start seeing a counsellor, and things have truly been the best they have ever been in 22 years.

So.. Since she seems to like to trickle lie, start looking into phone records.

Well, I see a number that she was texting day and night for a few months on end. This was all last year, when we were having issues, money, job, kids, you name it. We were fighting a lot.

Well, she trickled in some more information once I mentioned this number, basically here is what she says happened:

They met 3 times, at lunch, so they had limited time, they kissed the first time, kissed the 2nd time. And the 3rd time he touched her breasts and he put her hand on his area, but they never took their cloths off. There were naked pictures sent back and forth however, a few of her with her shirt off, always with panties on. Some from him with his shirt off, never naked.


This is what i'm being told now... She swears to god...

QUESTION: If this is the whole truth, what should I do? Should I leave her?


----------



## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

I wonder the way the lying is trickling if she's being completely and utterly honest. I know you'd like an answer to your question, but only you know if you should leave her or give the marriage counseling your true effort. Good luck in whatever you choose. I hope, for your sake, she's being completely honest. B/c then and only then can you move on. (my 2 cents anyway)


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That's a very complicated answer depending on lots of factors that we don't know. The two biggest factors for me would be 1. if you have kids together, and 2. how she handled it. Trickle truth would be a major problem for me as I take it as a sign of not being truly remorseful. If she was truly remorseful, and doing all of the things to prove it I would be much more interested in reconciliation. If she isn't then you've got to decide if you just want to call it done or do all the work of trying to get her out of the fog before you can begin the work of reconciliation.


----------



## jdaddog (Jul 25, 2011)

UPDATE: After talking with her more, she trickled in another visit, so 4 meetings with him, not 3. This one was at his bachelor pad, and in the end, she gave him oral. She claims that they didn't have sex because it was that time of the month. 

She seems extremely sad, sorry the whole bit. She's very scared that it could all end. We have 2 kids of our own, and we adopted two more which caused a lot of the stress we were having. 

She also told me that she regrets telling me, she would of rather lived with the lies forever, because now she might lose me.

Any thoughts would be greatly apriciated.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

jdaddog said:


> She also told me that she regrets telling me, she would of rather lived with the lies forever, because now she might lose me.
> 
> Any thoughts would be greatly apriciated.


THIS IS A PROBLEM. It means she's rather still be lying to you and in my opinion that she isn't remorseful for what she's done. You are getting trickle truth, odds are much better than not that you're not to the end yet. 

If you want to pursue reconiliation you're going to have to get her out of her fog. That will require doing things like implementing "the 180." There are people here more familiar with that than I, I'll let them advise you on it. 

It is very very hard to kill an affair and get the cheating spouse completely out of the affair. It is very much like trying to get a loved one out of an addiction. Sorry you're here - good luck.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

jdaddog said:


> UPDATE: After talking with her more, she trickled in another visit, so 4 meetings with him, not 3. This one was at his bachelor pad, and in the end, she gave him oral. She claims that they didn't have sex because it was that time of the month.
> 
> She seems extremely sad, sorry the whole bit. She's very scared that it could all end. We have 2 kids of our own, and we adopted two more which caused a lot of the stress we were having.
> 
> ...




So she went down on him and nothing else happened huh? OK. Why in the world would you even believe that? Anyway, was the 4th meeting just before you saw the EA? Because she's texting a man like crazy, meets up multiple times, gives him oral but gets nothing in return? Doubtful. I'm not one of the people that believe having kids or financial issues are a reason to stay.


----------



## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

What she did was wrong and you have every right to know. And if she loses you, it is her fault. I'm sorry you are going through this.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

jdaddog said:


> UPDATE: After talking with her more, she trickled in another visit, so 4 meetings with him, not 3. This one was at his bachelor pad, and in the end, she gave him oral. She claims that they didn't have sex because it was that time of the month.


Wow. So the only thing you can be sure of is that she has not been forthcoming at all. I don't believe you will ever feel comfortable that she has told you everything, because of the way she chose to trickle what she has told you up until now.

I would think at this point your best option might be to assume the worst...that she did have sex with him (or whatever the worst would be in your eyes) and decide whether you can get over the affair and eventually forgive and move forward.

If it were me, I would bring up the lack of trust and trickle truth in counseling and make sure she understands that each time you find out another lie, the trust resets to zero & see if you can get her to agree to open up once and for all. Her fear of losing you will be a self-fulfilled prophecy if she cannot once and for all open up and be honest with you. It's not about her at this point, it's about doing whatever needs to be done in order to regain your trust if she really wants to be together. You deserve at least the respect to know what happened and decide whether you can forgive and move forward or not.

It sounds as though you are both working through whatever issues were present in your marriage prior to all of this and that your future together looks hopeful, so I hope you are able to work things out.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

First it was just one phone call and no meetings. 

Then it was 3 meetings with just kissing and 1 grope

Now it is 4 meetings and oral.

Guess what's next?

Jesus, there is nothing more annoying than Trickle Truth. If I'm you, I give her one last chance to out everything. Since she is apparently so afraid to lose you, tell her that after this last chance to come clean, if you find out there is EVEN ONE THING MORE, you will file for divorce. Scare the truth out of her. Then decide what you are going to do.

Do you know who the OM is? If so, maybe you can text him from your wife's phone and say, "I wish we could have sex again." He will say one of

1) what are you talking about?
2) yeah, me too


----------



## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

Good idea, Gabriel. I wished I would've kept my cool when I found out my DH was texting another woman instead of blowing up and not 'gathering' before I confronted him. I could've talked stuff to her and then got way more info out of that instead of what I'm getting out of DH.


----------



## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

You really need to know the truth of what went on, so you can decide--based on, um, well, REALITY--whether to forgive, what you are forgiving, and whether to reconcile (different concepts here). You simply deserve to live in reality, not her made up trickle stories. Another way of looking at it is that, as long as she carries secrets, she still has something you are not privy to going with the OM--ie, the deception continues, even if that relationship is over.

Consider insisting on a polygraph as a condition to considering reconciliation. Usually, the whole truth comes out by the time you reach the parking lot for the examination...


----------



## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

When I confronted my wife, I knew she was talking to the guy because she told me and that she was and they were "just friends", all I had was a gut feeling and a phone bill, no proof. I threw in some distractors also that I knew werent true. I told her I suspected that she cheated on me a few years ago, last year, and within the last two months. In her answer she only denied the two old ones. After that I told her that if she had something to tell me, now was the time. That if she told me everything then and there and had any hope of staying with me that I would try and work with her, but if I suspected she was holding back or found out at any time in the future that she had lied there would be no second chances. She told all and answered every question I had.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

From someone who has reconciled after a much worse pile than yours...no matter what comes out. Keep your cool and do not blow up. You are not in the frame of mind to make long term decisions or to run your mouth. You can do a lot of damage that will be very hard to get over if you don't keep you anger in check and walk away before tearing her up emotionally. Take it from someone who made those mistakes. Give your self at least a month or two to cool down before deciding if you want to try or leave. If you know you love her and want to try and are 100% committed to doing whatever it takes, then you can start working toward toward the future. It is a long hard road with lots of ups and downs. It will also take compassion on your part for her which is real tough to do when you are the victim. What do you want to do? Are you in or unsure?


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ANd WOW - at lot of names I've never seen before on this thread. Keep in mind, there are LOT of people on here that will advocate just dumping her. MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Been there right with you man. I got trickle truth for a few months. You can work through it though.

Remind her that everytime you hear something new it is like DDay all over again. Tell her the only way you stand a chance of getting over it is for it to all come out now.

Also, I agree with tricking or talking to the OM. What could it hurt? If you have an upper hand on him (like the decision to tell his spouse or girlfriend) you can pretty much force him to do whatever you want.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I'd eat my shirt if they didn't have sex....


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Honestly. It doesn't really matter in the long run if they had sex or not. The fact is she wanted to. She wanted to have sex with him or they did. It doesn't matter.The effect is the same. It is why an EA is as destructive as a PA.

You have been married 22 years. Like me, you are probably feeling like the earth just opened under you. 

She just needs to tell you all the truth all at once for you to be able to process it. It is the fact that she lied and then continues to lie that makes it impossible for you to even begin to forgive.

If you want to R then good. If you want to D then that is also a move. It is important to have the information so you can decide though..
I am not sure what the idea of trickle truth is. I think perhaps it is that the DS can't face it all at once.

If she wants to R then you are in a much better place than many of us found ourselves. She hasn't checked out of the marriage!

Personally I would try R with full disclosure.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

IF you can afford the expense, then the most definite way to find out for sure is to schedule a polygraph test for her. You can find a reputable one in the yellow pages.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You just may be getting to the tip of an iceberg------why would they stop at touchy---feely---why not go on and have full on sex

She is still cheating on you, for now it is cheating by lying and OMMISSION

As Mayhem, said make her take poly---If you don't know how to go about it---call your local police precinct, they will help you with everything

Do not even think about any kind of counseling, till you know for sure there is no illicit contact with anyone, and she has given you everything you need in the way of info.

If you have to threaten D. to get what you want then do so-------it certainly isn't any worse than where you are now!!!!!!


----------



## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

If she hasn't done the deed yet, she was well on her way. Find out what it is she needs from you that she feel she isn't getting. If she is weak in the fidelity arena, dump her - she won't change, it's a part of her character and has nothing to do with you. 

These damn cell phones and online contacts are allowing for some real shady stuff! Is she willing to swear off her phone and Internet connection? That's a good place to start mending.


----------



## jdaddog (Jul 25, 2011)

UPDATE:

After she told me about the bj, I got her to finally spill all the beans. And i could tell by the look on her face that this is it.

They had 2 more meetings, 1 was meant to have sex, in the car, they removed thier bottoms, got into the back seat and he went limp. :lol: Couldn't do it. Then he tells her he has a girlfriend and has feeling for her. 

The next visit, my wife tells me she knew was going to be their last, they meet in the car, she says some stuff about just being friends, and he starts kissing/rubbing her tits, then he moves her hand to his crotch. She stops him, and says she has to go. She never met him again. 

The funny thing is, he had a conscience the one time, but not the last time? Weird.

They stayed friends for nearly 4 months texting, but according to my wife, it was boring, just friend talk, nothing sexual at all.


I am 100% sure this is the truth, because what I did was call that girlfriend of his, told her everything, she was totally crushed, and I asked her to get his side, and we can compare stories. The stories jived perfectly.

----------------------------------------------
So, what do I do now? I have been threw a huge range of emotions from suicide, to self loathing, to hatred. And back again.

My wife and I had explosive sex last night. She definately wants to work things out. But i'm not sure I can get the visions of this guys **** in her mouth out of my head. I think this will haunt me forever.

To move past this, do I just have to man up and accept it? 

How do I know she won't do it again?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jdaddog said:


> The funny thing is, he had a conscience the one time, but not the last time? Weird.


He was probably conflicted like your wife. Your wife was willing one time and unwilling the next.



jdaddog said:


> My wife and I had explosive sex last night. She definately wants to work things out. But i'm not sure I can get the visions of this guys **** in her mouth out of my head. I think this will haunt me forever.


Yep. People who have gone through this talk of triggers. A sight, a smell, a sound, something will remind you of her affair. She will always be the woman who betrayed you. The good news is that the frequency of the thoughts of her affair will decrease over time. And in a few years, her loving side may count much more to you than the side that betrayed you.



jdaddog said:


> To move past this, do I just have to man up and accept it?
> 
> How do I know she won't do it again?


You don't know that she won't. For a while, you'll have to snoop. Check to be sure she hasn't contacted the OM. Limit her access to other men (no girls' night out at the singles bar, no eating lunch alone with a male coworker, etc.). After a while with an improved relationship and no red flags on contact with other men, you will trust her more and more.

You just have to decide whether the pain of divorce/alimony/child custody is worse than the pain of working through this betrayal. It's kind of a lose/lose situation.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The explosive sex was nothing more than you re-claiming your territory

Bottom line is how do you deal with what your wife has done to you

You should never think ill of yourself---none of this was your doing----she is broken, she has no respect for you, family, herself, nothing---she just wanted her fling, and went for it---she didn't care that she was gonna wreck your life, and the lives of all around her.

So now comes dealing with your sub-conscious---dealing with your misery-----can you?????----as long as you stay with her she will trigger unmentionable misery for you

I am not saying you should leave---only you can decide that---but can you for the rest of your married life---look at her, touch her, talk to her knowing that she wanted another man inside of her, wanting him enuff, so that she threw you away in the process


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jdaddog said:


> UPDATE: After talking with her more, she trickled in another visit, so 4 meetings with him, not 3. This one was at his bachelor pad, and in the end, she gave him oral. She claims that they didn't have sex because it was that time of the month.
> 
> She seems extremely sad, sorry the whole bit. She's very scared that it could all end. We have 2 kids of our own, and we adopted two more which caused a lot of the stress we were having.
> 
> ...


You do not know the whole truth. So the only reason there was not penetration was that she had her period. Wow. Great to know.

You also do not know if her affair caused most of your problems. We often think that problems make couples vulnerable to affairs and they do. BUT affairs certainly make problems in a marriage.

Only you could answer this for yourself, but this would be a deal breaker for me. Plus again you don't know th truth yet. She has lied and lied and lied.

-----
update: Ok so you think you know the whole truth. Maybe. Maybe they coordinated stories. But go ahead and make your decisions based on you knowing it all now. You know plenty. Good luck.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Bumping up, curious what the OP has done and/or if any further 'truth' has come about (I hope not and hope that they're attempting to work it out & see where it takes them...)


----------

