# Who gets to Draw the Line?



## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

I've been married to my husband for 5 years and we've been trying for a baby for every one of those five years. I've had a stillbirth and three miscarriages and even though I've lost and regained my faith, I can't stop wanting to try no matter how badly the failure hurts us. I'm finally brave enough to try again this year and my husband tells me that he had a vasectomy last year because of the miscarriages and it feels like I've had my dreams ripped away from me. 

Is it fair that he could make this kind of decision without me and I'm supposed to just accept it and move on? 

I'm seriously considering divorce but I'm concerned that I may just be reacting out of pure anger. Is this an overreaction? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? 

I'm not sure if posting like that is okay, but I'm desperate for some advice.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

It's completely unfair for him to make this decision without you, especially knowing how much you wanted a child! If my husband did that I'd leave him for sure!

I'm not saying leave him, because as far as I know a vasectomy can be reversed, but his action was a total breech of any marriage agreements I have ever heard of. You need to really sit down with him and talk it out and find out what the heck was he thinking? I'm not a fan of most marriage counseling but maybe see a chaplain or something like that.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

Thank you very much Mae, for responding. 

It's easy to make yourself crazy and I just want to know I'm not overreacting. 

My husband is not a bad man, but all I can think about is how much he knew I wanted it and how that wasn't enough to dissuade him from making this kind of decision without me. How can there ever be any trust after this? 

If we talk, he'll say he did it for me, or for us. 

I have not read anything much about the reversal of the procedure but does it do anything to your chances of conception? And I don't think some counseling is a bad idea, either.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That is a lot of grief you are talking about from the stillbirths and miscarriages. Your marriage has suffered. I am willing to bet that your husband suffered big time as well. He probably felt the need, of course, to support you and "stuff" his feelings. He didn't want to burden you with his feelings. He is/was hurting also.

Yes. It was wrong of him to do this without discussing it. However, look at his side. Maybe this vasectomy was a way to stop the pain. The pain of unfulfilled preganancies and the turmoil is causes. 

Have a heartfelt talk and be willing to forgive.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

It was wrong of him to do it without talking with you. It is potentially reversible. 

Something that I've learned about anger in going through my struggles is that it isn't whether it is right or not to be angry, it just is an emotion. It happens and you can't control someone elses reaction nor yours. Just let it happen and move through it. Just try not to hold onto it because it won't do you any good. Then have the discussion with him. When you do talk try to speak your truth with kindness. Be firm but gentle. This is a tough issue.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> That is a lot of grief you are talking about from the stillbirths and miscarriages. Your marriage has suffered. I am willing to bet that your husband suffered big time as well. He probably felt the need, of course, to support you and "stuff" his feelings. He didn't want to burden you with his feelings. He is/was hurting also.
> 
> Yes. It was wrong of him to do this without discussing it. However, look at his side. Maybe this vasectomy was a way to stop the pain. The pain of unfulfilled preganancies and the turmoil is causes.
> 
> Have a heartfelt talk and be willing to forgive.


Corpuswife, thank you very much for responding. 

To be honest, I have always known that the failed pregnancies were devastating to him but like you said, he's been very supportive and perhaps I haven't really considered the amount of pain he is actually in. We were grieving and some days it feels like we'll always be grieving but he thinks I'm getting desperate and that I'm blind to the damage this desire for a child is causing. 

But if I could stop wanting a baby, I would. As things are now, I feel as though I will probably never be whole. 

I can understand that his actions were for us, really I can. And I think the worst part of this resentment I can no longer control for him is the very fact that I can understand it. It just doesn't make that betrayed feeling go away. 

All I can think is that he knew how this would destroy me, and he did it anyway. 

I need to talk to him, I know that. I just can't figure out a way to really express to him how exactly he's hurt me by doing this.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> It was wrong of him to do it without talking with you. It is potentially reversible.
> 
> Something that I've learned about anger in going through my struggles is that it isn't whether it is right or not to be angry, it just is an emotion. It happens and you can't control someone elses reaction nor yours. Just let it happen and move through it. Just try not to hold onto it because it won't do you any good. Then have the discussion with him. When you do talk try to speak your truth with kindness. Be firm but gentle. This is a tough issue.


 Thank you for your wise words, Feelingalone. I also believe that arguing when it isn't constructive to your marriage should be avoided and like you said, not holding on to things. 

I've read that that it is reversible but now it's not only the act that I can't stop thinking about, it's also the implications of it. He can get it reversed but he got it because he doesn't believe that us having a child is possible anymore. 

I need him to believe it can happen as much as I do. Or as much as I did. 

If that makes any sense. I know what happens, happens but I still need us both to have faith or it's like I'm in this alone. Which is the way I feel right now.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Wherewego,

Don't assume to know what he thought or is thinking. Until you talk with each other you don't know. You asked Corpuswife how to talk with him. Remember communication isn't all verbal. Try writing out your feelings about this. Re-write until it says how you feel. Be angry that he didn't talk with before hand, but also understanding that you realize he was in pain too but didn't show it. Speak your truth with kindness. That isn't an original of mine, but my MC's. Finish it and give it to him. It's a start, an icebreaker of sorts and see where it leads. Don't wait to tell the one you love -- life is too short. If I heeded my own advice I wouldn't be here.

I can't even fathom how much you want a baby to call your own since I am a guy. So sorry for your pain.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

Feelingalone, 

You are right, I can't assume until I talk to him. Unfortunately for me, that isn't something I can handle right now. So I will take your letter suggestion to the heart. I need to put things into words and writing them down should help. Thank you. I know that I should be seeing it from his perspective and I can and even if I can never fully grasp it, I always try. I can't help but feel that in doing this he didn't offer me the same courtesy. 

I may not know what he was thinking and hell, I might even be giving him too much credit to suggest he was even thinking at all.But I do know something he should not have been able to forget, him promising me that we wouldn't let any of this discourage us. He said he was sorry that this hurt me, I'm not sure if that means he's sorry he did it too. 

Thanks for your condolences, I'm hoping it will get better with time.

But I'm prepared to be disappointed if it doesn't. Such is life.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Wherewego,

Yes I guess he made you a promise. I don't know when it was made. I know promises are sacred and I try never to promise something unless I can perform. However, it seems things might have changed during the time after the promise was made. You said he was supportive of you during this time and yet held in his pain. Remember that.

Write the letter and start down the path with him.


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

Have you saught counselling for your own grief? Has he? 
You have both gone through a lot. In my opinion you may want to consider your needs as individuals before you consider your relationship. Go back to relying on eachother as friends and get eachother strong again. It's a lot to deal with in 5 years.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I guess the grief over the miscarriages got to him and he did not want to go throught that again.

Men get overwelmed and hurt too and it seems he had his fill of it and opted out, without discussing it with you because he does not want to go through it again.


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

preso said:


> I guess the grief over the miscarriages got to him and he did not want to go throught that again.
> 
> Men get overwelmed and hurt too and it seems he had his fill of it and opted out, without discussing it with you because he does not want to go through it again.


This is so true. I am a very proud dad and I've always wanted to be a dad. 
Add to that the fact that it would almost kill me to know I hurt my love.


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

> Have you saught counselling for your own grief? Has he?
> You have both gone through a lot. In my opinion you may want to consider your needs as individuals before you consider your relationship.


 It's something we've considered before but never actively sought out. There's almost this stigma about therapy, that as open minded as we are, we still fall into. You know? Like you never want to be that couple that needs therapy. Because it makes you feel like it's something the both of you can't solve together. 

But now more than I ever, I see that not considering therapy as a viable option would be a big mistake on our part. 



> I guess the grief over the miscarriages got to him and he did not want to go throught that again.
> Men get overwelmed and hurt too and it seems he had his fill of it and opted out, without discussing it with you because he does not want to go through it again.


 I can understand that, and maybe it's not fair that I wanted to keep doing this but I'm so overwhelmed with anger over the fact that he's really only sorry that his actions hurt me and not that he did this without telling me. 

Does that make sense? 

Like he thought this was a decision to be made and he thought I couldn't so he took matters into his own hands. But he knew, he had to have known that this wouldn't be something I would thank him for. 



> This is so true. I am a very proud dad and I've always wanted to be a dad.
> Add to that the fact that it would almost kill me to know I hurt my love.


Your child and your partner are very lucky.


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## MrsShields (Sep 5, 2009)

wherewegofromhere said:


> I've been married to my husband for 5 years and we've been trying for a baby for every one of those five years. I've had a stillbirth and three miscarriages and even though I've lost and regained my faith, I can't stop wanting to try no matter how badly the failure hurts us. I'm finally brave enough to try again this year and my husband tells me that he had a vasectomy last year because of the miscarriages and it feels like I've had my dreams ripped away from me.
> 
> Is it fair that he could make this kind of decision without me and I'm supposed to just accept it and move on?
> 
> ...


You have the right to be angry with him...i dont believe that divorce is the way to go, maybe in his mind all the losses were too painful for him, so maybe he felt that this was his option to avoid future pain.

remember the a vasectomy is reversable...so i suggest talking things out with him and trying again...i know someone who had 2 stillbirths and 4 misscarriages and after trying for several years finally has a baby...you just cant lose hope

if your meant to be a mother ...god will oneday grant you with a child of your own


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