# Mustard and Malaise



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Melancholy.
Not for her, but for me. 
Still that circle plays in my head, and it always starts off at zero degrees, and ends again at 360.
Who am I now? 
I associated my personal sense of value and life's good progress, with the little family that I had. 
Often times I thought I was the only one in the world trying to break through the ice statue that was my wife for so many years. It appeared many times that I was having to work too hard at getting her to show what she said she felt.
How I longed for the same "easy way" with which I saw others express and share in each other. I hated her for making myself and our daughter live like that. Nothing ever could be expected.

Years went by, we struggled with lifes normal struggles, perhaps on some level we became closer, but not in a positive way, I continued to desire a closer bond as husband and wife, trusting and caring for one another. She, seemed to simply never grasp that concept, and would turn her back with a whisper of my "neediness" to satisfy me.
Today I examine myself and face the reality of what is left of me. 
The dreams of my twenties and thirties all dumped in lieu of working for the benefit of my family. I consigned my life to duty, and the focus of their welfare. I was, in my eyes, being "the definition" of a good man, (in my own mind). 
I struggled being given and shown nothing from love, but at the same time gave my all to "Act like it".

I hate that I did that to myself. That I allowed myself to become that. 

After so long, one loses themselves. A situation like finding out that your spouse is already seeing someone else, and making plans to end the marriage, as they surely no longer love you,, 
sometimes I have such a difficult time with how much I put into it for nothing. 
I dare not examine the history, lest I reveal more pathetic handservice I somehow was able to bury and forget.
They say that right now is what matters.

Well ,right now I find myself in some wishful state thinking that I am used up. Not that I have nothing left to give, but that I dare not give it to someone again. I look around and see an overwhelming level of carelessness, deceit, and emptiness.
I leave work and drive forty five minutes to get home to an empty house, drained from the days work, drained from the thoughts of how willful I was to dismiss the most common of cliche's like, "trust, but verify", "people change", and my favorite all-encompassing flatulance of verbage.." it is,, what it is"...

I was a good man, a good husband. My marriage was over before I even knew it had a serious problem that was detrimental to it.. I guess thats what happens when secrecy and deception are in play. 

Right now I feel like a 40 year old loser, stuck in a dead end job, being taken advantage of by everyone and everything to the benefit their own successes. And they have definitely succeeded. 
It may have been complete sh!t, but I had my all invested in that marriage as well.

The knowledge that the marriage was as it was, and would never be worthy of returning to, and then having my wife so completely seal out any chance of working things out prior to divorcing,, leaves me so empty of hope, so empty of a sense of self-esteem or self-worth. 
What do I have to offer someone now? I feel so used. USED while I was young and still had my looks. She took that, exhausted it, and left in the middle of the night. 

These days I have my highs and lows. Some periods of time I find myself not even thinking about her, or this whole situation that came like a tornado in the night, and took everything away.
Yes, she treated me like sh!t. Treated our family like it was disposable, kept divorce as the final ace up her sleeve when arguments reached an empass. 
Ugghh, how could I have given so much for so little..

I think about they guy shes with now and see no evidence of character or being a good man. What "good man" will talk to a married woman with those intentions??

This is my pain. 
I am alone, and I am humiliated. 
I watched all of my efforts in areas even outside of the marriage amount to nothing, much less be an obvious waste of my lifes time. 
I feel like that time is running out, that the best parts of me were wasted on a piece of sh!t person, and I am scrabling about the wreckage trying to find that person that was "me", comfortable with myself and bright eyed towards the future.
But I know an empty house awaits me. I drive by my old subdivision on the route home, and see my replacements truck in the driveway of the house Ive lived in for the last twelve to fourteen years. Those years upon years of memories being crafted out of real life. 
How easily it was scraped off the walls like old paint and covered over with ugly flower wallpaper..

Sometimes I dont notice it getting dark outside, and only reach to turn on a lamp, when i can no longer see.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I am humiliated.


Read a few thread's of your story and without knowing you in person I can easily say you're not humiliated. Rather your wife humiliated herself.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I feel very much as you do, Shoo. There is a lot of hurt and humiliation, and of course the terrible fear that we have been used up, tossed onto the scrap heap, and that the best of us is gone.

I think rebuilding ourselves will take a lot of time and work. The road back to ourselves sure does seem long, and filled with bumps along the way that trip us up. We are sensitive people - the ones who feel the hurt and loneliness, but who also know better than to take an impulsive flying leap at the next potential partner before we are emotionally ready. 

We are also resilient people, and have the patience to let recovery from heartbreak move at its own pace. We're taking baby steps toward the light. We fall down, we get back up and keep creeping forward. Some day the wreckage of our failed marriages will fade behind us, and will mean nothing at all.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I am alone


We are right with you in this. You are not alone.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I can relate to what you're feeling. I too feel used up and humiliated. I wasn't great but I was a good wife and my husband ended our chances of a happy marriage 13 years before I knew about it. I now have to live with the fact that 13 yrs of a 22 yr relationship was a lie. He led a double life. I guess he was more her husband than mine as she knew about me and was comforted in the fact that he risked it all for her. Now she has finally won him. I am left with no self esteem and nothing left to give. I worry that it's too late for me. I'm 44 and he stole my best years from me. I look in the mirror at this naked body and I think, will anyone ever look at me and be interested again? I am still thin and in good shape but this body is not what it was at 24. I am terrified that no one will want me with all of my baggage much less my body. It is very overwhelming. I am sad and very lonely. 

However reading your post makes me want to say to you that you are only 40 and there are a million women out there that will appreciate you for the good man that you are. You will be happy again and you will find someone that will love you the way you deserve. I believe that and if it's true for you then I must tell myself that it can also happen for me. I know in my heart that we both deserve it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thank you guys for your thoughts. Yesterday was one of "those" days where I found myself negatively introspective...


I assume thats normal for the process. The ride continues.. this is month eight for me past divorce date.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thank you guys for your thoughts. Yesterday was one of "those" days where I found myself negatively introspective...
> 
> 
> I assume thats normal for the process. The ride continues.. this is month eight for me past divorce date.


Well at least you can know it'll get better. 

Did you find a replacement for your X? Loneliness and driving past your old house is constantly triggering you, might as well stop those.


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