# Holding it together....



## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

I'm not really sure what to gain on this board other than some understanding and someone to listen. I've got my feelings pretty bottled up from what's been happening, no one to really talk to about this. Husband is a serial cheater/sex addict - who knows. He's got a therapy appt tomorrow that we are hoping will help him figure it out. We've been together since 1996, known each other for over 18 yrs though. I've spent the last 8 yrs being paranoid b/c of several emotional affairs of his and definite cues that he's been emotionally checked out. We've worked stuff out and it gets better for a while and then just reverts back to the behaviour of frustration, emotional avoidance, then to sex with other women - almost like a pattern. The past three years has been the worst - 3 yrs ago I found out the details of the sex addiction and actual physical infidelity - meeting women for sex, etc. We went to therapy and didn't stick with it, swept it under the rug. Emotionally I changed towards him. the following year there was evidence of a stripper in Vegas....I swept it under the rug and flat out told him I won't go through this again - I was ready to end the marriage. He begged me, said he was goign to get it straight. He's known I haven't trusted him for some time. Things changed again for a short time, he was more attentive, connected, etc. Although - I was not and have not been for some time. We have three boys together that range in age to 4 to 15 - what am i supposed to do right?? Fast forward to about two months ago - I've been tracking and tracking - found an email, found a prepaid cell phone....tracked him. More of the same is what I found. I kept to myself until three weeks ago - he came home late one night from hanging out with a friend - and I had the proof that he went to see a woman for sex.
Problem is husband got laid off, has real emotional issues from childhood, and we have three kids. How would this work if I kick him out on the street? They say to never make hasty decisions. That night when he came home and I confronted him, I was serious - I am finished with the marriage. He will get a job and then move out. I will support him through counseling and getting his life right b/c my kids depend on him. I have nothing left to give this man. How did I become this woman? I keep telling myself that I am doing it for my family, that I am remaining calm and dealing with this to help my family. But honestly - why?? He has not thought one bit about his family or me in all these years of running around. SO what if there is actually an addiction? Then what? I can't see how that changes my feelings about him as a person, as a man or as a provider and husband. He has done things that I am too embarrassed to even speak. I care about this man and I know what his life was like when he was young.....he has to get through that. I told him flat out that I do not look at him the same, that he disgusts me. I am tired of having to be the one to hold it all together, I would much prefer to tell my kids what an animal he is and kick him out. But I can't. This has nothing to do with them, right?
ugh, if you got this far thank you. Like I said, it's been bottled up for about 3 weeks now. Not sure where I'm really going from here. We are all still in the same house. We get along well enough I guess, no fighting. There are days I don't want to see him at all, but I get through it b/c of my kids. I'm sure they sense some tension. I really don't want to be one of those women that go nuts and throw all his stuff in the street. My kids don't need that. But I'm really tired of holding it all together........


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

This is the perfect place for you to get away from rug sweeping and bottling up your feelings and thoughts. No one will alow it here lol

You mentioned MC... have you personally been to IC? 

If not... please consider it.

There are many threads here with similar stories to yours, all with a common theme. The gist of it is...

Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? 

If that answer is yes... the question then becomes...

Really??


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Educate yourself about sexual addiction. 
First and foremost you should read these books: 
"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes. 
"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD 
and 
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means 
~~~~ 
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code: 
Residential Treatment Programs 
You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience) 
~~~~ 
Online resources: 
Sex Help, Sex Addiction Help, Treatment for Sex Addiction, Therapy 
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA. 
What is Sexaholics Anonymous? 
Sexaholics Anonymous 
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.) 
Pornography Addiction Love Addiction and Sexual Addiction Recovery is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.) 
The Brain Science Behind Addiction | Candeo Behavior Change This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction. 
~~~~ 
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober. 
I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above): 
"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.) 
For the SA: 
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes 
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart") 
Many, not all, SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA to read if he uses porn. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs") 
~~~~ 
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it: 
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self 
This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You remind me of the poster Poppy
You also have codependency issues that need attention

You can't save your husband
He can only save himself


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your marital troubles, though I think you did well by posting here. At the very least, you can vent your anxieties and can take-in advice from people who have suffered betrayals of their own.

Let me say this first-off: you are your husbands _wife_, not his mother. How he takes care of himself in the event that you leave him is his own concern, and not yours. He has betrayed you time and time again, and made very little effort try and change himself.

This is personal opinion of mine, but I feel that regardless of your upbringing, the actions you take in life are your _own_ doing, completely and utterly. I come from an abusive family, but I ruined my relationship because I was a flippant d'bag - not because I have "daddy issues."

It seems to me that your husband simply hasn't taken his relationship with you seriously. Despite your heartache, I don't believe anything you are doing is rash or hasty - you've been far too patient, I think. At this point, though, I am not entirely sure there's anything to salvage in your marriage. Sorry to sound bleak, but if you really wanted to preserve your marriage with him, you should have "tightened the leash" and set critical boundaries in the relationship _years_ ago. It sounds like you're far too detached from him to be able to maintain any sort of relationship with him anymore.

Also: never underestimate children and their ability to cope. I feel that, so long as you take charge of your life and keep your head held high, the divorce won't be nearly as negative for them as you fear. Two uncles of mine divorced - one was an emotional and voyeristic affair that involved the entire family, while the other divorce saw my uncle dust himself off and move forward. In both cases, the children (cousins of mine) have all turned out fine. Many are enjoying healthy relationships of their own to date, and have maintained a good relationship with their parents.

Sexual addiction is a subject I know little about. Acabado was kind enough to link to a few Sex-addict resources above, so you may want to peruse those and educate yourself on the matter (if you care to). 

Good luck, and don't be afraid to post again. And don't be afraid to take charge of your life. He made the conscious choice to break the marriage when he cheated. You aren't betraying anything - you are entirely in the right to legally divorce him. Don't feel guilty about leaving him - he's not your husband anymore. Move forward.


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## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

Thank you for the information Acabado. We've been doing some research as well and thats how he ended up getting the session set up. He's finally realizing how much he's hurt me, but I don't think it matters at this point. I am a co-ddpendent - researched that too and realized my face could've been posted next to the definition and signs of a co-D. 
Jibril - you are on point. I'm emotionally and physically done at this point. Yes, I'm being patient but more for my kids and to allow him time to get himself together. Emotionally he's more broken than I am and I guess I worry more about him falling further before he has a chance to try to tackle this. I know this is even more of an issue than I realize. #1 we can't afford for him to move out w/out losing our house and having to uproot the kids from everything they know. I am concerned about all of this being messy and I'd much rather be grown up about our how we handle our kids. I do not want my three sons to know anything about how their father has treated their mother - they don't need to deal with that at all. 
I really wish I could be angry and grow a backbone, but I am just too tired of it all and quite honestly, depressed as well. Looking into some therapy of my own - maybe I can find a backbone there.....I've already started hoarding money in my own account and want to be sure the only thing I need from him is for the kids. 
I appreciate the posts and insight.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Jibril said:


> This is personal opinion of mine, but I feel that regardless of your upbringing, the actions you take in life are your _own_ doing, completely and utterly.


:iagree:

Couldn't agree more with your opinion.We all reach an age where we have to take full responsibility for the person we want to be and the kind of life we want to lead.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Stick around, Trish, you will get good info to help guide you step by step.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But I'm glad that you are at least in a state of mind where you're not discovering it for the first time and you're kind of "stoic" about it.


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