# I Neglected my Partner's Needs



## Plastic5 (Nov 3, 2014)

Married for 4 years now, and my wife has told me she doesn't love me anymore. She cares about me, but her unhappiness in being with me outweighs the care.

She doesn't like me anymore. She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want to spend time with me. She has a list of things about me that she hates. She doesn't feel loved. And I get it.

I've been on a night schedule for 10 months now. Since I've been on that schedule, I've grown neglectful towards her. I've let myself go and gained a lot of weight. I never felt like doing anything besides staying at home on the weekends, which was the only time I had to see her. I played a ton of video games, and that was all I really ever had on my mind or felt like doing. We didn't talk as often or for as long as we did. I know I just let myself become not only an awful partner, but a really boring and unattractive person.

Her unhappiness was fully realized last weekend (Halloween), when she hung out with some friends of ours. It was from the fun she had. She said she hadn't felt that relaxed and felt that ok with just being herself and enjoying company in a long time. For anyone who might offer some advice, assume that there was no infidelity, emotional or physical.

Two days ago, she decided that she just wants space from me. She doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't want to hang out with me or do anything fun. She doesn't want to talk to me. We're like distant roommates. She feels like our relationship is over. 

She voiced that she wants to move out and get a divorce. She is having trouble focusing on school with how unhappy she is. She said that she is willing to stay and see if the way she feels changes. She's not involved with anyone. She spends her day in class, at home studying (we live 2 minutes from her university campus), or doing things alone (Netflix, reading, listening to music, all shrouded in sadness). I tried to interact with her, but she tells me that she doesn't want to talk or hang out with me. I've resolved to just give her the space she wants and just work on myself. I've been sleeping on the couch.

I convinced my boss to let me work during the day so that I can be on the same schedule as her and work on treating her right. I know I screwed up.

It's only been two days, but I'm consciously working on becoming the man I was when she married me, not just for her, but for myself. I've cut the video games out of my life completely, started running every day, eating healthy, being more active around the apartment with chores and such, have been going for walks by myself and looking for things to do, just enjoying the perks of being alive. 

And cooking meals for her and taking care of her laundry. She says I don't have to do all that, but I want to, and she doesn't object to it and expresses courteous appreciation for it. It's the only way I can really show her I care, seeing as I can't talk to her.

I get that she might see this as a cheap ploy, but I have full intentions and commitment to changing my crappy habits, whether or not she leaves. I still want her to like me as a person again.

I feel awful emotionally. I feel awful for having neglected her, and I feel awful about the image she has of me. And the thought of her not being in my life anymore brings anxiety to the point of panic attacks.

Will her demand for space and desire for divorce change if I demonstrate that I have sincerely changed?

How do I rekindle her attraction to me and get her to spend more time with me when she doesn't want to interact with me more than a distant conversation over a meal or cigarette?

I need serious advice and help. Thanks in advance.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Plastic5 said:


> HFor anyone who might offer some advice, assume that there was no infidelity, emotional or physical.


Why?

There's a good chance that's exactly what's happening here.



Plastic5 said:


> Will her demand for space and desire for divorce change if I demonstrate that I have sincerely changed?


She'll probably see it as a cheap ploy.



Plastic5 said:


> I get that she might see this as a cheap ploy


Oh, I see you figured this out for yourself.

All you can do is try, but not too hard. If you push too hard you'll do even more damage.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All you can do is work on yourself, for now. There's no guarantees, but you need to make the changes for yourself, anyway. If she sees the guy that she married, great. If not, you're in a better place to move on. 

Will she read any books with you? Go to counselling with you? 

BTW, you also need to look at the reasons why you changed your behaviour in the first place. Unless you fix that, you're likely to revert back to those behaviours when the pressure is off. 

C


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Two days is not that much of considerable time for anyone to make significant changes. You must be in it for the long haul.

Don't expect your wife to come around in a week or so. Months, even. But if you stick with changing into the person you want to become, she'll notice. Maybe even change her mind.

My experience though, is once a person has made up their mind to divorce, it's just a matter of time. So, basically, you're priming yourself for the next SO in your life....


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

well if the marriage is struggling, and you deem that to be 100% your fault, then it sounds like you're taking the right approach. have you liked everything about her for the past 4 years?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Okay, assuming there's no interest in another man behind the scenes, as you've requested, I think you're doing what you can do for now. You have listened to her, you have reflected upon what she has said and you have made changes to attempt to bring the relationship back to a place you were both happy with.

If all of this doesn't work (assuming these are permanent changes), then it may be that she has no interest in fixing something broken but prefers to throw it away and get something shiny and new in the hope it will stay shiny and new this time. It never does.

From the sounds of it though, she's stuck around to try to make it through this tough time. I hope it's a heartfelt effort from both of you because it does take two to tango. My DH once went through a period of what felt to me like severe neglect of our marriage. Worked, gamed, worked, gamed. I was dealing with young children and post-natal depression and I felt very much alone. Once I got through to him the seriousness of our situation, he gave up the constant gaming, stopped coming home late from work all the time and I valued that. I also had to acknowledge that I wasn't perfect either. This is what is required of the partner who feels wronged, in order to move past it without divorce. They have to value the changes that are made and open themselves up to healing the marriage. You can't force this from her, it has to ultimately be her choice.

I think educating yourself on relationships in general can be very helpful. Books like "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix and "His Needs, Her Needs" are great. It may give you some insights into your relationship that you don't currently have.

Edited to add: I see that you've both cheated on each other before from your previous posts. It seems that your wife had an EA that lead to a PA, after feeling alone and neglected within the marriage... why you would rule this out as a possibility now is confusing. I can see you may not want to focus on that possibility, but burying your head in the sand won't change anything.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Only thing you can do is focus on you and fix yourself.

You can't control her decision,a and you have to let her go if she wants.

Clingy is not an attractive behavior.

Showing independence, and showing that you can cope will make you more attractive.

Right now, you should be working towards whatever happens, you will be fine. 

So go out there and make new friends, a new social circle, cause if you do divorce, your going to need one for support. 

If it works, then you will have new friends.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

One thing I learned?

Get better for _you_, not for _her_.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You could implement changes but include marriage counseling. 

It is easy to slip back into old habits. (Both of you) 

Ask her to go together so you know you are both listening and committed.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

The 180. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Ignore the parts where it talks about her seeing the new you and come running back. It doesn't happen that way. Very few walk-away wife's come back. 



Plastic5 said:


> She doesn't like me anymore. She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want to spend time with me. She has a list of things about me that she hates. She doesn't feel loved.


I doubt yours will be one of the few.

Horrible isn't it? That moment you realized that you let the most important thing in your world drift away and there is NOTHING you can do about it? And it's your fault. I feel for you brother. It took me years to get over it. I'm still really not.

The good news is it will make a better you. No way you are going to be the kind of person that would drive away someone so important to you. I see you have started. Good for you. It will make your next relationship so much better and more fulfilling. Plan on this one being over.

You're going to get hammered with the "she's cheating" reply's. Maybe she is. Doesn't matter. That's a symptom. The problem is that she's gone. She even said so. Pretty convincingly.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Yeah, it sure LOOKS like there is some other influence pulling her away, but the fact remains that she is wanting out. Whatever you do, don't try to nice her back.
Improve yourself, practice being a better person, and let her make up her own mind.

Your only option (aside from sinking into a deep depression) is to become a better person.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why do people automatically assume cheating? She told him the reasons she has pulled away and yeah that sounds like enough reason for a woman to detach from a relationship. 

To suggest cheating is simply bypassing the OPs responsibility, he has failed as a partner, he holds a fair share of the blame. Making the woman the bad person here does not absolve him of his wrongdoing.

OP she has at least told you what is happening, who knows if she will reform a bond with you. I would be brutally honest with her, acknowledge you stuffed up, you did not do it intentionally and because of your deep love for her you want to fix this but you need her help. If she refuses to help ie communicating then maybe she really is done.

She needs a strong man to stand up before her, don't make yourself look weak in her eyes by grovelling, stand tall and strong and tell her this can and will be fixed.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Plasti5, make sure she doesn't clean you out on the divorce.
Any effort you were planning to put into changing yourself to
fit her specifications put into improving yourself for YOU.
I have only one question. Was she working at a job?


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Holland said:


> Why do people automatically assume cheating? She told him the reasons she has pulled away and yeah that sounds like enough reason for a woman to detach from a relationship.
> 
> To suggest cheating is simply bypassing the OPs responsibility, he has failed as a partner, he holds a fair share of the blame. Making the woman the bad person here does not absolve him of his wrongdoing.
> 
> ...


Disregard this suggestion. Your "love" is already gone.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

hookares said:


> Disregard this suggestion. Your "love" is already gone.


Yeah just give up


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP - you are in a hellish situation.

All the advice ANY of us will give may very well be best - for us, but in the end, you and she have to be on the same page.

None of us can know if that is possible or even plausible. Only you and she can know/find that out.

I suggest a real no BS heart to heart, divulging just as much as you can and want to. It will likely tell you all you need to know.

If it is salvageable, by ALL means go for it - and with a fervent gusto. 

If not - please don't become another victim of self deprecation and pleading for someone who doesn't give a darn to stick with you.

You sound like a standup person - willing to admit shortcomings and take steps to mitigate them. If that's not good enough, or if it has already gone too far, you need to know that!!

Best of luck to you. Parts of your post sound FAR too familiar....


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Holland said:


> Yeah just give up


It worked for me, although "just detach" was more my strategy. The one thing that this site REALLY helped me with was understanding my marriage was over. Unlike the OP who's wife had the decency to tell him what was going on in her female head, I had to go through the hell of figuring it out on my own (picture, if you will, a clueless man trying to figure out the mind of a woman).

"Giving up" saved my life.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

10 months of night shift and your already the worst thing in the world?

I can assume cheating. And I can assume what happened at that party.

She's hooked up with someone she's been crushing on at school, probably made out with him. Got all full of happy brain chemicals. Went home. Made a hate list so she can justify her decision and keep spinning her hampster wheel. 

Op? Was this a bomb dropped on you in an instant, or did her comments in life build up to this event? Does she work? Or are you the full support of the marriage?

You work nights. She goes to school all day. 10 months of that is plenty of time for her to crush on someone, and you wouldn't even be the wiser.

Too many similarities in this story as we see all the time, unfortunately. The " I hate you but still love you", speech. I want a divorce, but let me live here for a while until I figure things out, speech. 

....and on and on....


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

And it's odd that your even the demise of her studying. Yup! Your the blame for that, too! In fact, everything will be your fault, including that split nail she got, because she was so depressed and sad she chipped it on a coffee pot. And if you were a good husband, you would have made coffee for her. That's how much you suck.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

hookares said:


> Disregard this suggestion. Your "love" is already gone.



Come on. You disagree with the reply, that's fine. But don't dictate to the OP what he should and shouldn't listen to. He can make his own mind up about that.

This isn't about you, it's about somebody else.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

breeze said:


> Okay, assuming there's no interest in another man behind the scenes, as you've requested, I think you're doing what you can do for now. You have listened to her, you have reflected upon what she has said and you have made changes to attempt to bring the relationship back to a place you were both happy with.
> 
> If all of this doesn't work (assuming these are permanent changes), then it may be that she has no interest in fixing something broken but prefers to throw it away and get something shiny and new in the hope it will stay shiny and new this time. It never does.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing, it's not 100% on the OP here. Yes, he neglected her, and he admits it. But it doesn't sound like she communicated this well enough to him to get him to snap out of it.

They were on opposite schedules for almost a year, not to mention that she's going to college. This is commonplace in young marriages. You power through the tough years of working nights to get ahead, while your spouse is going to school to get an education, and hopefully a solid career. Then things come together, both people are working normal hours, the money is coming in, and the two of you can enjoy life TOGETHER. This happens with older couples, too, what with all the layoffs and people going back to school etc. It's a sacrifice, usually for the betterment of the marriage.

In this case, OP works nights, and is probably exhausted. He spends his days sleeping, then weekends are used to catch up. No, it's not cool to spend all day playing games, but it's not highly reasonable to expect him to want to go skydiving, either. Just as it's not reasonable for him to expect his wife to go out with him on Friday nights until 3am, when she's been up at 6 every day that week and doing schoolwork. She needs to catch up, too.

All she had to do was to communicate with him that his weekend behavior was unacceptable.

So, if she did do this, and repeatedly, and he did not listen - then it's his fault, and it's too late. If she didn't do this, and just built up this resentment, then it's her fault.

Either way, she's probably gone. People tend not to say to their spouse that they don't love them and not mean it.

I second the other responses here in that you can learn from this, and you're taking the right steps to get your life back on track - for YOU. Don't do these things with any hope that your wife will see these things and miraculously come back to you. If she does, she does, and you can decide if you want that. After all, she basically told you she can't stand to be around you and that she doesn't love you. No matter who's fault that is, those are some heavy, heavy words from a woman who purportedly loved you.

FWIW, I'm a strong believer that when somebody says "I don't love you anymore", there's no coming back from that. It doesn't matter if you change, because you'll no longer be "you", anyway. You might as well be a different person - and not the one she fell in love with in the first place.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

alexm said:


> Yes, he neglected her, and he admits it. But it doesn't sound like she communicated this well enough to him to get him to snap out of it.


Not bad. You just explained the entire walk-away-wife issue beautifully in 2 short sentences.


----------

