# I'm confused



## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Hello All! I'm new here. I've been reading some of your posts and thought I would share my story too. I have been married for the past 11 years and in January my husband decided he wanted to separate. He said it was because of our differences in parenting and that he didn't think he loved me anymore. I had such a hard time dealing with all this at first but I decided to work on me and focus on the kids. Well, I have since moved into my own place and have been feeling very peaceful when my counselor suggested that I tell my husband that I wanted to set up some boundaries and he should give me the house key back and not show up unannounced. Well I finally did this after he came by at a time I didn't expect. I tried to be very nice about it but he got very upset (even though he says he didn't) and assumed that I had someone coming over. He proceeded to tell me that he couldn't wait for this divorce to be final and that he didn't love me anymore blah blah blah. It hurt very bad for him to say that to me. Anyway since them, he's confided in my daughter (17) that he is having a hard time coping with this divorce that he knows he doesn't love me and I don't love him (even though I do) and basically put it out there like he was the victim in all this. I accept responsibility for my actions that led to the end of our marriage but it seems he will not. I kind of feel sorry for him. I want to help him but I know I can't. Besides I still love him and the reason behind me setting up boundaries is so we could put a little space between us and I could heal and move on. Am I making any sense????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes you are making sense! 

Are you sure he's not having an affair?

My advice would be to tell him you are willing to commit to the marriage if he is, own what you did, listen to what he says and validate him and see what he says. If he waffles, you have your answer. 

MC would be a great idea if he is up for it. If he isn't up to that, then move on w/ your life. I think he shoulda been the one to leave though if he is the one who wanted the separation but that is water under the bridge right now... 

He is upset cause you're taking control and that happens with ALL waywards. They cannot stand when you start getting your life back in order.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

he's not even willing to go to counseling for himself let alone marriage counseling! I am almost positive he is not having an affair although over the years, I have heard rumors that he has tried online several times to get the attention of other women because he wasn't getting his needs met at home. This is the part I own up to, for not being more sensitive to his needs but he did not have to act out in that way. I have so much I want to say but we have never been good at communication and that is probably the heart of the issue so I will continue to do what I'm doing. Move on and hope that I can get through the healing process quickly. It's so tough!!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Who did you hear the online rumors from?


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

some came from my friends where he talked inappropriately to them and made them feel uncomfortable. Nothing horrible just a little over the line. Then someone who said he sent inappropriate emails to 2 of his employees. He gets very angry when I bring it up and says that I have always believed the worst about him and that I am jealous and vindictive. I have always questioned if he he knew what was appropriate in marriage or not. I do know that he has always felt more comfortable around women than men and I have not always felt comfortable with that.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Good Morning all! I woke up this morning with a different emotion than usual. I feel detached today and do not care what happens. This is a new emotion for me. Is this normal? I hope it lasts!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I hope it lasts, too. Not caring feels pretty damn good after you've been upset.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Detached is a good word to describe letting go of the pain and anguish of losing a love that didn't love you enough. I wake up feeling good and strong too. I can see the rainbow in front of me and it isn't even raining ;o) That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger! Have a wonderful day.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> Detached is a good word to describe letting go of the pain and anguish of losing a love that didn't love you enough. I wake up feeling good and strong too. I can see the rainbow in front of me and it isn't even raining ;o) That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger! Have a wonderful day.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Ok good feeling gone confusion has settled back in. I guess I wrestle with it because there are so many unknowns. I go back and forth between wanting him to want me back and not wanting him because of all the problems in our marriage. I still love him very much which makes it hard to walk away. This still occupies a good part of my day and I wish I could just not feel like I have to mull it over and over. Anyone have any good advice for coping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I will also be closely watching this thread for suggestions. I can barely work!


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I am ok at work just when I'm home that I think about it. This is the time I should be dedicating to my kids and I feel guilty for not being there 100 percent. I know deep down in my heart that my husband is just as confused and torn as I am even though he said he didn't love me. I have tried to go to him to communicate but he doesn't seem to be ready to try. He may never be and that's why I feel I need to move forward but its reaLly hard! I am in counseling and it helps I have great friends who are very supportive and I put up a very brave front for all to see but inside I am still on the roller coaster!!
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Going from one high to a low is normal in a situation like this.
Sometimes you will feel angry, happy, sad, silly, insane, and desolate all within the same HOUR. It's crazy. And totally normal. 

Re: feeling bad about not being there 100% for the kids. Woman, youa re going through a major life trauma right now. It's NORMAL to not be there for everyone else 100% of the time. You're juggling a separation and the fallout from that, all of these conflicting feelings, being a mother, and all the day to day worries you normally have. You're basically superwoman.

Re: coping... get busy. Exercise. Call up an old friend. Journal. Continue w/ the counselling. Read a book. Rent a funny movie. Take a day out for your kids to do something fun. Take a day out for yourself to get pampered. If there's something you have been meaning to do in awhile and always blow it off--do it.

The pain and confusion don't go away magically. It takes time. So just wake up every day and live. It will and does get better w/ each passing day.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

singleinjanuary said:


> I am ok at work just when I'm home that I think about it. This is the time I should be dedicating to my kids and I feel guilty for not being there 100 percent. I know deep down in my heart that my husband is just as confused and torn as I am even though he said he didn't love me. I have tried to go to him to communicate but he doesn't seem to be ready to try. He may never be and that's why I feel I need to move forward but its reaLly hard! I am in counseling and it helps I have great friends who are very supportive and I put up a very brave front for all to see but inside I am still on the roller coaster!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How are you working?? What is your secret? I have been really sloppy at work and it's starting to worry me that I'm going to make a HUGE mistake. Unfortunately a huge mistake in my job means giant losses of company revenue, personal revenue of employees and even legal mistakes! I just can't concentrate.

My son is almost 19 and doesn't need my constant attention. Actually he'd prefer no attention from mom. I feel best when I am just staring at some tv show or mindlessly posting around on forums.

I think my office is cursed or something. This is the most stressful place in my life regardless of my marital disasters.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I don't feel all that successful really. I am a hairstylist and I talk to ppl all day long. Most of the time I really don't think about it while I'm there simply because I'm busy. I guess I'm not going to beat myself up just wish I could feel ONE emotion. I was so content in my marriage probably too content. I am ok with change I like change but this too much!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: work... I used to just start bawling. So I would leave my office and go into the ladies' bathroom, close the stall and just cry.

I always had my game face on though. Looking back, it is truly amazing how we get through these things!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

You guys are so strong! I don't know what kind of face I am putting on. I feel everyone is cutting me slack and trying to move past the fact I am a disaster. Luckily I work remotely so I can go cry and be sad without any fanfare. Just all the little mistakes and letting thing slip through the cracks. Ugh. Damn you soon to be ex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I never discussed my separation/divorce at work. 

Two of my colleagues and I hang outside of work so they knew what was up when we were out of work but never ever at work.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Oh believe me stair I don't feel strong at all. In fact, it sounds like we're on the same path! I still cry and all I just have many distractions at work. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done I have to keep the faith that god has something better or provide me with growth to make me a stronger better haPpier person
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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I told a couple of people at work because if I am not 100% in the game, really bad things happen to a lot of people. and well, I did want a couple of people in on my pity party. Anyway, two people who are critical to my job know so that if I start slipping up they can nudge me back. I have a VERY hard time concentrating when I am upset. I so envy people who can bury themselves at work when they have a personal crisis. I want to bury myself in reality TV and Burger King.

single, we can be strong together. We are so much better than this stupid situation we're in.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

staircase said:


> I told a couple of people at work because if I am not 100% in the game, really bad things happen to a lot of people. and well, I did want a couple of people in on my pity party. Anyway, two people who are critical to my job know so that if I start slipping up they can nudge me back. I have a VERY hard time concentrating when I am upset. I so envy people who can bury themselves at work when they have a personal crisis. I want to bury myself in reality TV and Burger King.
> 
> single, we can be strong together. We are so much better than this stupid situation we're in.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Stair maybe we can check in on each other to make sure we're holding up okay? Let me know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Sounds like a plan. I went for a walk and ate good foods instead of crap so that helped me today. How are you doing now?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

singleinjanuary said:


> Stair maybe we can check in on each other to make sure we're holding up okay?


This is a great idea. I firmly believe everyone needs a "break up buddy." It helps immensely. Especially when the person can relate to what you're going through! 

Hugs to you both


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

that's funny a break up buddy! Jelly can you be our break up mentor? You seem to have all the answers...

Stair after Jelly's advice this morning i went into my back yard with my son and sat with him while he fished. I soaked up some sun, it was so nice. Then my friend came over and had a nice visit.

Thanks for being my buddy!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Wow, I had not cried in days, but this thread reminds me how we are all so closely related in our unhappiness. My emotions come from a different place now, I cry for me...not for missing him. I became so complacent in my marriage, but I know I gave it my all. If I could buy something, anything that would ease the pain I would in a heartbeat. I thought if I loved him more than anyone, and supported him in all that he does...he would love me forever. He didn't ;o( Now I cry because this wasn't part of the plan. I miss my lil SD so much it hurts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

singleinjanuary said:


> that's funny a break up buddy! Jelly can you be our break up mentor? You seem to have all the answers...


Absolutely! I would feel honored!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Thank god for you two, I definitely need the support!

My soon to be ex is in a tailspin over some back taxes that just surfaced. This is going to put an uglier face on our divorce. I'm rather scared right now-I cannot win a battle of wills against him. He steamrolls everyone, most of all me :/


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Stair you have an atty right? If so, maybe you should let him/her handle it. I have no idea how these things work and probably give you bad advice.How was your day today? How are you emotionally? Did you take care of your basic needs? Did you do something for yourself that made you smile? I am sitting outside right now watching my kids fish. My stbx is military and I went to the commissary today. Boy I really felt like I had no business there since we are getting a divorce. I am considering going on a date friday with someone who understands my situation. I am in no way shape or form looking for a relationship but he is a nice guy and he makes me feel good. I am nervous but my counselor says "it's just a date" like get out there and have some fun! What do you think? Hesnothappy we are so there with you! It sucks that we give our all and we don't get it back! I'm not perfect but I sure don't deserve this!
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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

my atty suggested i do the taxes and submit everything. i did them, they sucked, so i sent it all to soon to be ex to deal with.

i had coffee with one of my best friends. it was an unexpected surprise since she was off of work today (I work remotely). I'm taking my niece to dinner here shortly so lots of smiles today! good question, thank you for asking that.

I am so stressed out at work, I haven't had time to be sad. A few things blew up in our faces and now sh't is hitting the fan so I worried about that most of the day.

I am so glad you're going on a date! I am nowhere near that stage yet. I'm still all  about relationships and even dating. I'll get there, though.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Ooh have a great dinner! Glad to hear you've kept yourself occupied today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Can you guys watch shows with happy families? I just cried over "The Middle" and now I can't bring myself to watch "Modern Family." These are two of my favorite shows. I feel like a failure.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Our support thread has taken a turn for the worse


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ha! It was my fault. Well, mine and "The Middle."

I will soon watch Law and Order LA and I can revel in someone's unfortunate murder.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

How exciting Single, a date...good for you! I wonder when will I have a real date ;o) I can't wait LOLOLOL Sadand, I do the same thing, but then we never know how the others are walking in their shoes, so...we an compare ourselvs to others.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Hello ladies I do look at married people myself and feel twinges of jealousy. When my customers talk about their so it makes me sad. I was so content in my marriage and BAM all gone! I find it to be so unfair! Even though this thread has taken a downward turn that's what we're here for right? I had a good day but have been feeling so many emotions lately because my stbx is gone on business for a week and I haven't talked to him. I know it's really for the best but it's hard all the same. Maybe I'll start watching that show "snapped" haha! I believe they will make a reality show about separation/divorce eventually. If they don't already that is. Alright I'm rambling on. Date tomorrow night going to a baseball game wohoo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I need to call my sister and listen to her ***** about her husband, or call him and listen to him ***** about my sister. I will then lay on the couch and be happy no one is nagging me for anything. I will also leave dirty dishes in the sink because that's how I roll.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

sadand said:


> I feel worse when I see people who are married and think, if they can do it, what is wrong with me. Their marriages are like a judgment about my failed marriage.



I know the feeling. I am not as sad as I was in the beginning, but when I see others' happiness, I want to curl up in a corning and cry. I wish I didnt have these feelings. I hope they diminish soon.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Oh my gosh stair that was too funny! I suppose life IS more peaceful. I agree sad it does get better over time but I'm just a wee bit impatient and I want it to get better now! How long have you been separated?
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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I don't want to do anything that involves couples. It makes me sad and furious. Being furious is so much easier, why is that?


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

singleinjanuary: yeah, some days its tough. weve been separated for almost two months. he was supposed to file for divorce last week. still waiting on the papers. ive come to terms with the divorce. it sunk in and i am dealing as best i can. 

staircase: isnt that the truth! i was mad at my soon to be ex hub for a week, and my days were okay. were on speaking terms again and the sadness has returned. its not unbearable, but it still lingers. talking to him hurts. once the divorce is final, i dont think i can speak to him ever again. its just...easier that way.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

sadand said:


> I stopped in to see a friend tonight and she told me about another couple in town who just separated. What is in the water here?


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I don't know but stop drinking the water ASAP!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Unfortunately, it's everywhere ;o( but just to be safe....... ;o)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

staircase said:


> I need to call my sister and listen to her ***** about her husband, or call him and listen to him ***** about my sister. I will then lay on the couch and be happy no one is nagging me for anything. *I will also leave dirty dishes in the sink because that's how I roll*.


:rofl:



sadand said:


> I stopped in to see a friend tonight and she told me about another couple in town who just separated. What is in the water here?


A funny thing happens when you separate/divorce... when you hear of any other couple doing the same you feel a connection to them. I can't explain it but it's almost like, Oh so andn so just split..and ou feel like you're part of a secret club. Not a bad club but you're almost happy to hear it's not just your relationship that didn't last til one of you croaked. LOL.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Short ones too, mine was even two years old yet.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to it. I guess when the divorce rate is more than 50 percent, you have it going on all around you! Well y'all I went on my date tonight and it was nice. Nothing major I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I thought I would but stbx popped into my mind quite a few times. Its just a reminder that I am not ready for more I suppose
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Good for you, at least you go out of the house and spent some time with another male ;o) But I completely understand about your true feelings.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I would take some time off dating until you are over the ex (and divorced)  You could hang out and grab coffee though and tell people "We can hang but I don't want to date right now."


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I just looked through ******* to see if there were any men my age. People keep talking about that site, but I thought it was for 20 year olds. There are guys my age (early 40s)! I'll look through the man catalog after I've had some chance to heal. Glad to know it's there at least.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Doing well. Hubby called today, I didn't answer. He wanted to talk to the kids but he said in his message if I wanted to talk to him just give him a call. Yeah right.......don't think so. I did have my son call him back but guess what? He didn't answer and so my son left a msg and nothing. Hopefully he can connect with the kids tonight. I can't help but wonder what his family thinks of his choices. He is with his brother now and I so wish I was a fly on the wall. I would like to think that his brother would talk some sense into him since he is much older (H is 37 and bro is 52?). My only wish for him at this point is to go to counseling, find church do something to make himself happy. He was miserable at home (his words) and he's equally as miserable alone so why can't he see that he might need to seek some help to find out what it is that's missing? 

I think it's going to be hard not to start dating. He asked me out again and I said yes. I like him but I know I would run back to hubby if he decided to get some help and wanted to work things out. Probably not fair to bring him into my situation. Logically, I know all this but it is hard putting my needs on the back burner.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Just be comletely honest and straight forward with everyone and enjoy yourself. WE need a little happiness right now. Now I would not suggest getting intimate with anyone for a thousand reasons. I do need a hug right now though ;o(


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Thank you I needed that! I won't get intimate definitely not and I have been very straight forward about my position. Yes it felt good when he held my hand and put his arm around me. My work cut my hours way back so now I am worrying about money even MORE than I was before. I can't help but blame him for putting me into this position. I have been really angry with him lately. Not an out of control anger but one which makes me not want to see his face right now!! He so needs to just grow the [email protected]@k up!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Hey all hope you're having a good holiday weekend! It's quiet here, the kids spent the day with daddy and uncle swimming. I worked so it was nice to know the kids had something fun to do besides sit at the house. Still worried about money but hopefully have another job lined up. Please keep me in your prayers that it works out!


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Good morning all! My stbx just picked up my son for the weekend and I have to marvel at how easy it was to keep it light and friendly. It was genuine where it wasn't before. I have been feeling angry at him lately and its like I am losing my feelings for him. Maybe this is acceptance.......? I remembered something he used to do that would upset me and my thought was good thing you don't have to deal with that anymore! I much prefer this to being miserable but I will tell you that part of me is scared to feel this way because if he did decide he wanted me back my heart wouldn't be in it......weird..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

That is the process of life, everything is ever changing. I am in the same boat. I don't hate my H, but I sure think of him in different terms. I would not be able to easily return to our before life because of who is really is. Things I have experienced and learned about my H, is not good. And I am not going to spend my life with some one I can't respect. We who entered this phase of life around the same time are growing up ;o) and moving forward.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I guess it's inevitable. Whether we want it or not. I hope that I can continue to grow through all this. It's the only positive thing that has come out of it.


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Hi all I need some advice about a couple things. First, my husband is pretty good about sticking to the subject of kids when he texts but it seems like lately he has been adding stuff here and there. It always puts me on guard because it seems like he wants to be friends but I can't right now. I know if I said something about it, he would just deny it anyway. All I'm doing at this point is acknowledging what he says but trying to cut it off before it goes any further. What do you think? Okay next dilemma he said he was going to start calling my son every day because my son is having a hard time with our separation/divorce. Well he did it two days and stopped. I took him to counseling today and told her about it. She said that I should just leave it be. My friend thinks I ought to let him know my son noticed he didn't call. He has done similar things to my daughter but she is 17 and my son is 5. It is clear he has a problem maintaining relationships but hell! I have enough children to look after without adding another. He is just going to hang himself with the amount of rope I've given him and I hate seeing the kids get hurt by him.
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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

singleinjanuary said:


> Hi all I need some advice about a couple things. First, my husband is pretty good about sticking to the subject of kids when he texts but it seems like lately he has been adding stuff here and there. It always puts me on guard because it seems like he wants to be friends but I can't right now. I know if I said something about it, he would just deny it anyway. All I'm doing at this point is acknowledging what he says but trying to cut it off before it goes any further. What do you think? Okay next dilemma he said he was going to start calling my son every day because my son is having a hard time with our separation/divorce. Well he did it two days and stopped. I took him to counseling today and told her about it. She said that I should just leave it be. My friend thinks I ought to let him know my son noticed he didn't call. He has done similar things to my daughter but she is 17 and my son is 5. It is clear he has a problem maintaining relationships but hell! I have enough children to look after without adding another. He is just going to hang himself with the amount of rope I've given him and I hate seeing the kids get hurt by him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

Hey all! Please give me some advice before I take matters into my own hands. Yesterday my daughter graduated from HS and my stbx went but left as soon as she received her diploma. He told me he was in a bad mood and I found out later he might have been crying but it hurt my daughter nonetheless. Its hard to know what he's going through because our communication is centered around the kids but what I can piece together, it seems as if he is dealing with a lot of pain. I want to teLl him to go to IC for the kids because they suffer when daddy is wallowing in his misery. I'm not really sure if its my place to tell him that though. My son is with him today and they are planning on going to the beach with friends so I know they'll have a good time but I can't get the sweetest image of my 5 year old rubbing his back outta my head! Who's the adult here?!
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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

sadand said:


> you do need to be sure your kids will be ok with their Dad. If he is unstable, maybe they are better off not seeing him. His relationship with your daughter is something I think he is going to have to work on. It would be great if he could get to some counseling, maybe you could find some names and give them to him. If he is really in bad shape, he probably needs that kind of help. I know early in my separation my H was having a lot of anxiety, even asked me to be with him when he was having it, it was hard and I did tell him he needed to get help from someone else, cause it was too hard for me to act as his wife when he wants to divorce me. So hard for everyone


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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

OMG I know it would kill him if I told him he couldn't have his son every weekend. I just don't know what to do I have no idea what goes on at his house. I do know that most of the time he comes home sunday in the same clothes he left in on friday. This bothers me a lot and at first I chose not to say anything. I really need perspective on this because part of me says I should choose my battles and this isn't one of them. Turns out he wasn't crying at the graduation I have asked my daughter to talk to him about how hurt she was but she is afraid that it won't do any good. I hate to see their relationship going down the tubes but something tells me I have to let it because they are both adults. How did this mess happen?! I guess I can ask him to go to counseling....I'm a little nervous about doing it. He is so angry with me that I feel he'll blow up.
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