# She cheated, I forgave, but now...



## Oregonian (Sep 14, 2012)

6 years ago, my wife cheated on me with my best friend of 25 years. Yes she and I were having some problems. Some of them mine, some of them hers. I was being off in my own world with my friends and activities that she didn't like to do, and she had pretty much let herself get overstressed at work and started drinking too much, telling me she didn't have a problem. Then I started to find bottles that she had hid. I had talked to her about it and she had always laughed me off saying she didn't have a problem. My friend was diagnosed as bi polar and was also a heavy drinker. He decided that we could not be friends anymore. I blamed it on his illness. My wife was trying to fix the friendship and got too close. They both started to have complaints about me that they shared and they ended up sleeping together for 9 months. I asked her about it and was lied to many times about it. Finally, he called her on her cell phone and I answered it with her there. He said he was told he could call anytime. I stormed out and spent the night at a hotel. The next day I came home and he called me and wanted to talk. I met him and, long story short, he admitted to sleeping with her, played her voice mails to him for me, her saying she loved him. He started making reference to the fact that he didn't want to live anymore. I called his sister, my brothers wife, and told her and she said she had heard him talk like that before. I told her to come down because I cant stay with him. I left when she got there and then went and confronted my wife. We had it out and after several hours, decided to try and make it work. That night, he called and wanted to talk to her and I told him no. He persisted and I kept telling him no. I then heard a loud bang out on my front yard and my kids came up and told me someone had just shot himself on our lawn. My best friend had killed himself right there. My wife and I went through marriage counseling for 3 years and I went through personal counseling for 5 years.

I fully believe I HAVE forgiven her, I don't hold it against her. She is as sorry as can be, it was out of character for her and she has never done anything like that since. But what I can't seem to get over are the dates that things have happened. I can remember every time something happened during that 9 months where I thought something was wrong but she would deny it. Every time one of those dates comes around, I start to get depressed, unable to forget what happened on the date as well as the outcome. I mean there are like at least 15 dates throughout those 9 months that get to me. I get withdrawn, I pull away from her, I get depressed. I'm already on meds for that. 

Now, I ashamed to say it, but I've let myself fall for someone online. I didn't mean to get into any sort of a relationship with her, but as we talked more and more, we seemed to have fallen in love. My wife has, in the last three weeks since I stated that I want a divorce, has turned a 180 degrees and has been so wonderful. I know what I have done is pretty much no better than what she did. I don't want to hurt anyone here but I really don't know how to handle this. I've never ever cheated and while I haven't physically cheated, I know I would have if this woman was close by. We have talked of marriage etc. I know I have gotten myself in a bad situation here and it's killing me. I never would have thought I'd find myself like this. I don't know what to do !!!! I love them both and don't want to hurt either of them. I do have 2 kids, but they are both adults.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Oregonian said:


> I fully believe I HAVE forgiven her, I don't hold it against her. She is as sorry as can be, it was out of character for her and she has never done anything like that since. But what I can't seem to get over are the dates that things have happened. I can remember every time something happened during that 9 months where I thought something was wrong but she would deny it. Every time one of those dates comes around, I start to get depressed, unable to forget what happened on the date as well as the outcome. I mean there are like at least 15 dates throughout those 9 months that get to me. I get withdrawn, I pull away from her, I get depressed. I'm already on meds for that.


You've forgiven her? It doesn't sound like it. Or at least you haven't let it go. If you can't let this go, you have to move on.



> Now, I ashamed to say it, but I've let myself fall for someone online. I didn't mean to get into any sort of a relationship with her, but as we talked more and more, we seemed to have fallen in love. My wife has, in the last three weeks since I stated that I want a divorce, has turned a 180 degrees and has been so wonderful. I know what I have done is pretty much no better than what she did. I don't want to hurt anyone here but I really don't know how to handle this. I've never ever cheated and while I haven't physically cheated, I know I would have if this woman was close by. We have talked of marriage etc. I know I have gotten myself in a bad situation here and it's killing me. I never would have thought I'd find myself like this. I don't know what to do !!!! I love them both and don't want to hurt either of them. I do have 2 kids, but they are both adults.


What's the deal with this? How do grown people manage to "fall in love" online? People are not who they seem to be online.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Have you even met or seen this woman online? 
Do you know her relationship status? 
Does your wife know? 
Dude, you are in a deep EA. And fog. You need to get out.


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Have you even met or seen this woman online?
> Do you know her relationship status?
> Does your wife know?
> Dude, you are in a deep EA. And fog. You need to get out.


Yea, and how do you know if this online woman is really a woman? It seems you cannot let go of what your wife did years ago so then you should just leave and get the help of a good shrink.


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

neilbl said:


> First be sure, if that women is really in love with you, be sure if it's really worth the squeeze, giving up the one you married first. Have you met the girl by the way?



You ask the wrong questions. It is irrelevant if he thinks it is worth it. The bottom line is that he is jumping from one relationship into another and that is always a mistake. Frankly, I think the husband as just as screwed up as his loser wife. Maybe they should just stay together and keep the dating pool from getting more tainted!


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe somebody needs to write a clear definition of "moving on".


----------

