# I believe him now, I want to stay, so why can't I just stop worrying?



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

For those of you who stayed with a spouse after an EA, how did you finally come to the point that you stopped looking for more lies and just moved on? 
Two months ago I found out my H had placed a craigslist ad to meet women while out of town on business back in April. I confronted him, and he said it happened that once, didn't go any farther than a couple of messages back and forth with a couple of women, he didn't meet anyone in person and that he got embarressed/scared and removed the ad after it had only been up a few hours. He gave me all of his accounts and passwords and after thoroughly scouring everything he gave me and anything else I could think of it looks like that's true. Since then he has said and done everything absolutely right. He seems to sincerely want to be married and faithful to me.
I'm usually a very level headed, logical person. My HEAD tells me how minor this really is. I'm not dealing with another woman that he became emotionally attached to that I have to compete with, it seems to have scared the crap out of him, because he's recommitted himself to the marriage, and emotionally and physically things are better now than they have been in years.
So why can I not stop thinking there's more to it? I keep thinking it's like the saying you don't get pregnant the first time you have sex. How could I catch the first time he does this? How does he go from faithful husband to personal ad, seems like there would be steps in the middle? I ask him, and he swears to me no, there wasn't. And even if there was, why do I care what happened in the past if I believe that he's sorry and wants the present and future to be with me? 
Any advice from anyone farther out from this?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Maybe because you have not addressed why it happened in the first place. Or you don't have an answer to that?. The lack of that answer would make most people wonder.

I'm not much help with that... still dealing with the answers I have found that led to an affair. 

Ask yourself and him why he did it.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

deejov said:


> Maybe because you have not addressed why it happened in the first place. Or you don't have an answer to that?. The lack of that answer would make most people wonder.
> 
> I'm not much help with that... still dealing with the answers I have found that led to an affair.
> 
> Ask yourself and him why he did it.


We've talked about why it happened, and you're somewhat right in that I believe his answer was honest, but to me it didn't make a lot of sense. He was unhappy with himself, stressed by finances, bored, we weren't as close as we use to be. He saw the personal ad section when he listed his truck for sale and wondered if anyone would answer. Basically just needed an ego stroke I guess. He just can't tell me why he didn't say any of this to me before it got this bad.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Be patient. You have been given a huge red flag. Your mind is trying to protect and prepare you. 

Be proactive. Prepare for failure, look for success. Mine claims he has never cheated. He doesn't know I found on one of his ads "must be willing to go long periods without contact, and must be financially independant"

That speaks volumes. So does your hubbies ad. 

Could you be getting trickle truth? Employ all the tools you need to protect yourself. Be independant financially, have your own social life with girlfriends. 

While a 180 may not be in order, the principles seem to help concrete your self esteem, so that IF you find down the road you actually didn't get the whole truth, your in a better position to deal with what will come next.

For the most part, a womans instincts are spot on. I wouldn't just will them away, respect them and be patient.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> We've talked about why it happened, and you're somewhat right in that I believe his answer was honest, but to me it didn't make a lot of sense. He was unhappy with himself, stressed by finances, bored, we weren't as close as we use to be. He saw the personal ad section when he listed his truck for sale and wondered if anyone would answer. Basically just needed an ego stroke I guess. He just can't tell me why he didn't say any of this to me before it got this bad.


Ah, I recognize that answer.
My response was... it is not acceptable behavior. If you are bored, stressed, whatever, you MUST tell me what is going on, allow me the opportunity to correct it, or seek outside advice to resolve your issues. Those are excuses, and it was unacceptable behavior. It must not happen again. He must seek the knowledge and skills to deal with life, stress, etc.

There must be boundaries. And you need to stick to them.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

deejov said:


> Ah, I recognize that answer.
> My response was... it is not acceptable behavior. If you are bored, stressed, whatever, you MUST tell me what is going on, allow me the opportunity to correct it, or seek outside advice to resolve your issues. Those are excuses, and it was unacceptable behavior. It must not happen again. He must seek the knowledge and skills to deal with life, stress, etc.
> 
> There must be boundaries. And you need to stick to them.


:iagree:

Never turn outside the relationship for help, unless it's to a counsellor of course.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

deejov said:


> Ah, I recognize that answer.
> My response was... it is not acceptable behavior. If you are bored, stressed, whatever, you MUST tell me what is going on, allow me the opportunity to correct it, or seek outside advice to resolve your issues. Those are excuses, and it was unacceptable behavior. It must not happen again. He must seek the knowledge and skills to deal with life, stress, etc.
> 
> There must be boundaries. And you need to stick to them.


Exactly, that's what I told him. He agreed, promised no more ever again. I made my boundaries absolutely clear and he accepted them as completely reasonable. So I should be done rehashing this in my mind. So why do I keep thinking about whether there's more to it? Why am I so afraid of getting so attached and invested in the marriage again and then being made to look like a fool if I'm wrong or it happens again?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

There's a common saying here. 
Trust but verify. 
Your choice whether or not to stay emotionally invested, I think it's normal to feel this way, and you might feel this way for a LONG time. 

do you think you have forgiven him for this mistake? That can help ease your mind. Not forget. Ever. But call it a mistake and look forward to the future. And check on him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> He was unhappy with himself, stressed by finances, bored, we weren't as close as we use to be.


You will trust when you know he is happy with himself, not stressed by finances, not bored, and as close to you as he used to be. Probably the last one is the only one that matters (an most likely sexually is what he was referring to).


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

deejov said:


> There's a common saying here.
> Trust but verify.
> Your choice whether or not to stay emotionally invested, I think it's normal to feel this way, and you might feel this way for a LONG time.
> 
> do you think you have forgiven him for this mistake? That can help ease your mind. Not forget. Ever. But call it a mistake and look forward to the future. And check on him.


I do think I've forgiven him, and I'm very much happy with how things are now and looking forward to the future. The stress has had some unexpected consequenses for both of us that still make me angry sometimes, but I don't blame him so much as just wish that it hadn't happened. As far as checking on him, I don't want to be suspicious forever.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If wishes were pennies... I'd be rich. It's hard to do, but easy to say accept what cannot be changed. That is a tough thing to do. Is he understanding about this when you do get angry? Is he asking that you "forget" about it?


Sounds like you are doing what needs to be done, and are happy with your choice to stay. Just not happy with how long this is hanging around in your head, maybe? I think that might be personal, but some posters say 2 years to get over a 'mistake'.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

deejov said:


> If wishes were pennies... I'd be rich. It's hard to do, but easy to say accept what cannot be changed. That is a tough thing to do. Is he understanding about this when you do get angry? Is he asking that you "forget" about it?
> 
> 
> Sounds like you are doing what needs to be done, and are happy with your choice to stay. Just not happy with how long this is hanging around in your head, maybe? I think that might be personal, but some posters say 2 years to get over a 'mistake'.


2 YEARS! Wow! I guess I was seriously expecting too much of myself in thinking that I'd be able to move past it this quickly. You're right, I'm not happy that it's continues to mess with my head when I've made a decision and a committment to give him another chance. And no, he isn't asking me to "forget about it". He's very understanding when I get angry and says repeatedly that I'm being too hard on myself in expecting to be over it this soon. I guess I'll just give myself permission to take as long as I need since clearly I can't force it to happen.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> Exactly, that's what I told him. He agreed, promised no more ever again. I made my boundaries absolutely clear and he accepted them as completely reasonable. So I should be done rehashing this in my mind. So why do I keep thinking about whether there's more to it? Why am I so afraid of getting so attached and invested in the marriage again and then being made to look like a fool if I'm wrong or it happens again?


I would love to see some good threads about intuition and how that tangable evidence isn't the only way to be alerted to a cheating spouse. We are spiritual beings too after all and a cheating dishonest spouse brings spiritual disharmony and problems into a realtionship just by the fact that they are doing you wrong. The literal,physical evidence comes later.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

D day for us was March 2010 and I still ask questions, look for things, and ask for a repeat of the explanations that he's already provided a hundred times.

Mine also did not physically meet up with anyone, but participated in cybercheating for 9 months and TRIED to meet up with two women, going to locations where they didn't show up. He was scammed out of a bunch of money by these 'women'.

Do not give yourself a time limit.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It happens when it happens, basically after so much snooping you start to get bored of it, which to me was the sign that I was healing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Bartimaus said:


> I would love to see some good threads about intuition and how that tangable evidence isn't the only way to be alerted to a cheating spouse. We are spiritual beings too after all and a cheating dishonest spouse brings spiritual disharmony and problems into a realtionship just by the fact that they are doing you wrong. The literal,physical evidence comes later.


I do agree that intuition should not be ignored. I've often found my intuition to be spot on even when there was no other reason to think something. However, when the prevailing wisdom you hear is "once a cheat always a cheat" and "everyone cheats" and the most common advice seems to be "don't trust anyone, ever" then you begin to wonder whether it's intuition or paranoia. I don't think anything positive comes from being paranoid.


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