# Lied about debt



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I started to lie about credit card debt during our marriage. They were in my name and it started as both of us using the cards, but then it turned into me using the cards. Nothing major bought, just odds and ends, here and there. I finally let it all come out after my H and I had been separated and were trying to reconcile. (Ends up totaling <$8000) I knew that if I wanted to make our relationship work, I had to clean the slate. 
Now that I've done that, he can't trust me. I understand. I've given him my only card that was still active. He wants to put me on a budget and wants me to come up with a way to pay these debts off. He wants me to tell my dad about it and see if he will help (he probably would pay it all off and let me pay him back monthly). I don't want to do it this way. I don't feel like my dad needs to know this info because it is very embarrassing and it really doesn't affect him in anyway. I can come up with a way to pay the debt, it will just take longer than if I were to ask my dad to help. 
My H has told his mom - even though she is NOT affected and she is in NO position to help.
btw....we are over 30 and have a child. Not young pups that can't make decisions. I have always made sure all bills were paid. We still have our cars and house. Other than having a tight budget, we are doing fine money wise.
Do any of you TAM folks have any insight for me - THANKS!!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I do have a little insight.

i think your husband is taking this one over the line. You are adults. YOU SCREWED UP (so did I..read my story) but if he wants to be a family..he needs to forgive. Believe me it is not easy. I lay beside my husband for months with him not touching me but you know what? I caused the damage..i needed to suck it up and let him heal.

I am greatful that my husband did not involve others..and he made it OUR mission to fix everything...not just MINE. 

My opinion. You are an adult. You should NOT ask your father for help unless for some reason you are in a position of losing your home and shelter for your child..$8000?? really?? that is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things.

hun..i feel you..I also feel for your hubby..he is probably reeling right now..but I am about a year and a half out from my financial infidelity and I now have more control over our finances than ever.

Do NOT involve your father if you can afford to do this on your own..you are a grown up..and so is your husband..tell him so.

HUGS...I KNOW what you are going thru..
Lynn


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I understand you made a mistake and your husband is going a bit overboard in trying to punish you. But I think you maybe don't realize the full impact of what you did. 

Your statement " I have always made sure all bills were paid." makes no sense in regards to the topic of your post. You obviously didn't pay all the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I understand you made a mistake and your husband is going a bit overboard in trying to punish you. But I think you maybe don't realize the full impact of what you did.
> 
> Your statement " I have always made sure all bills were paid." makes no sense in regards to the topic of your post. You obviously didn't pay all the bills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SadSam....what I was meaning was that I did make sure I had payments paid to all creditors, utilities, mortgages, etc. I didn't let any of the bills we had go into default because of my irresponsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

donewithit said:


> I do have a little insight.
> 
> i think your husband is taking this one over the line. You are adults. YOU SCREWED UP (so did I..read my story) but if he wants to be a family..he needs to forgive. Believe me it is not easy. I lay beside my husband for months with him not touching me but you know what? I caused the damage..i needed to suck it up and let him heal.
> 
> ...


Donewithit - thank you for sharing your experience! I know my H is livid about all this. But he wants me to fix it all. I told him that we are still married and I wont/can't do it without his guidance and support. So hopefully he sees that part too. I dont appreciate that he has talked to his family about what I've done. I told him its really nobodies business but mine and his. 
So, we'll see how this pans out.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

What you did was serious. A strong marriage is built on complete honesty and trust. It's now going to be up to you to rebuild trust. You need to apologize and be remorseful for keeping your credit card balance a secret. 

Pay off the balance yourself. Also, if you suspect you have a compulsion to spend, get professional help. Do whatever it takes to keep from repeating this mistake.

My estranged husband did many deceitful things beginning in 2006. At first it was little things. He got a secret post office, secret credit cards, stole money out of our business, brought and hid big ticket items. He also had a string of mistresses. It got to be a juggling act with him to cover the lies. At one point he quit paying our primary vendor. He thought I wouldn't find out, if he hid the invoices. The point is that I always found out. I knew that he hid or lied about one thing.....then there must surely be more things he was hiding. Unfortunately that's probably your husband's current mindset. He wonders what else you may be covering up. Be open and reassure him.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

NotSoSureYet said:


> SadSam....what I was meaning was that I did make sure I had payments paid to all creditors, utilities, mortgages, etc. I didn't let any of the bills we had go into default because of my irresponsibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your credit card company is a creditor. You haven't been paying that bill. You can't pat yourself on the back saying you made sure all bills are paid, while charging a bunch of stuff on a card that isn't paid.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Your credit card company is a creditor. You haven't been paying that bill. You can't pat yourself on the back saying you made sure all bills are paid, while charging a bunch of stuff on a card that isn't paid.


SadSam.....There is NO patting here. I feel horrible and have for the last 3 years - when it all started. We aren't in any collections is what I'm saying. There are no collectors calling me, wondering where their $$ is. I'm looking for people that have been in similar situations, that is why I posted my problem. I hid the CC amounts. Bad decision on my part. I know it was the wrong way to do things.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

827Aug said:


> What you did was serious. A strong marriage is built on complete honesty and trust. It's now going to be up to you to rebuild trust. You need to apologize and be remorseful for keeping your credit card balance a secret.
> 
> .....then there must surely be more things he was hiding. Unfortunately that's probably your husband's current mindset. He wonders what else you may be covering up. Be open and reassure him.


Thank you 827! I am now finding out that he doesn't know if he CAN ever trust me again. I know that time is one of my friends/enemies right now. I told my H it 's up to me to show him, but he also has to be open to seeing it. I know it's going to be a tough road - more on my side than his because I have to control myself. I know I am capable, I just have to tighten my belt.

Thank you everyone for your input!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would advise you to go to your father for part of the money. Say half of it. At least that would show your H that you are serious.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would swallow the pride and ask for help from your dad, it'll save you paying interest then when you pay it slowly. It is your responsibility and no need to burden your marriage further.



> I told him its really nobodies business but mine and his.


Actually, it's just yours. Your husband shouldn't have to deal with this.


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## blondie73 (Dec 27, 2011)

Wow! NotSoSureYet, you and I are going through the exact same thing. My H found out about my CC. We moved and I couldn't find a job so I used my card to get by until I found a job. I know I shouldn't of used it, but I had to just to get by. I let mine go in order to keep up with the mortgage and all the necessary bills. I never told him about the CC. He found out about a month ago and now he is saying he don't know if he can trust me. He quit telling me he loves me, told me he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. We have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids together. I know I did wrong, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him. I guess my point is you are not alone. I thought I was the only one with this problem.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Blondie73 - I just found out that some good friends of ours had it happen too. The W actually went so far as to have all their mail stopped from coming to their house. They were in some collections though. I am so glad it never got that far for me though. I know what we have done is bad. I know that our H's have a tough road ahead along the lines of trusting us again. So I am trying to do whatever I can to make my H know I am completely open with everything!


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I wouldn't go to your dad, family and money never mix. Good Luck


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'd get another job, and make it right. I'd work my butt off, or sell things.... cuz they are only THINGS.... He shouldn't have to worry about it. Imagine if the tables were turned....


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I'd get another job, and make it right. I'd work my butt off, or sell things.... cuz they are only THINGS.... He shouldn't have to worry about it. Imagine if the tables were turned....


I actually already have 2 very well paying jobs. I found a few options for me paying things off as soon as I can and also have a couple of different options. 
Now it's up to him to see that I am willing to make these sacrifices. I just said to him this a.m. on the phone that whether or not we stay together, I am going to fix my problem and not let it happen again. I want to be able to teach my daughter the responsibility of money - and I want to do it right, not be a hypocrite when it comes to that.

Thanks everyone!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Great... now do it.


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## blondie73 (Dec 27, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blondie73 (Dec 27, 2011)

it is so hard. Its been almost a month since we got into our huge fight about the money problems. He says he still cant trust me. He says anything that I say he has to wonder if im telling him the truth or not. Since our fight I have tried to show him the bills and I have told him everything that needs to be paid and all. He has yet to tell me he loves me. How can one turn their feelinfs off so quickly. On the bright side, he said he was trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Its a trust issue. He hasn't turned his feelings off. He has built a wall to protect them. You're going to have to be patient and chip away at those bricks little by little.


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## CrossRoadsNY (Jan 3, 2012)

I can't believe I found this site. NotsoSureYet and Blondie I am in the same Situation however mine is probably worst. I handle all the bill paying in our household. I also make a significant more money than H. 5 years ago we signed for a home equity 75k. We both agreed 25k was to go to outstanding CC. 43k went to renovations in the home. Even though it was agreed to do the renovations my H wasn't aware we were using the HE. We got landscaping done, widen the driveway, basement lighting, tiling and painting done. Some went to sons camp and school. Long story short my H assumed I was using money he thought I had. Since I handle all the bills I never bothered to share with him where the money was coming from. I was paying the bill. He found out last year when he looked at one of the statements. I never hid anything just didn't tell him. Every since he found out he has been calling me a thief and liar. He too has told everyone who will listen. I mapped out a plan to to pay it off in 3 years. I just don't understand is level of anger if he hasn't been involved in 15 years of bill paying and now he is questioning me. He acts as if I took the money and wasted it. We argue constantly and I'm so exhausted by it. I know I maybe wrong in making the decisions by myself but I feel like he should acknowledge what was done and let it go. Like I said I have a plan and the means to pay it back in 3 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

To CR NY
I can quite understand his anger. You taking out such a large loan without even notifying him. Its no excuse to say he wasnt interested till now. You say this was 5 years ago and you intended to pay it off in 3. Did you. I doubt it. These plans never seemed to work. 
What you should do about it now. You will have to make your own thread for that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally think you should keep your dad out of this. It would be selfish of you to expect money from your father unless you were to pay him back. I would be very upset if my adult children came to me for money due to their bad spending habits. At 30, you and your husband are responsible for the debt. 

My husband and I both are not spenders. We buy what we need mainly. However, since our health coverage is so high(2,000 per month), we have gotten ourselves into debt just by living and raising 3 children. I'm disabled and unable to work, unless my husnand loses his job, I will never be able to bring in any money into our household. 8,000 is not "that" bad. My cousin has a debt of 180,000 just from student loans. She refused to work and stayed an extra 2-3 years at college. I have a friend who has gotten herself over 80,000 debt just in credit cards. It could be worse. My own father had a gambling problem and kept refinancing their home. He eventually lost his job, moved in with us and their 7 dogs until they got back on their feet. He spent over 200k in gambling.

Good luck with whatever happens. You work, therefore you should be able to pay it off in a couple of years. It's more like a cheap car loan. I honestly don't think 8k is that much to be in debt. My mother forgave my father, but she, herself, has a spending problem as well. They had the opportunity to be debt free, but they kept buying things for their new house that would of been paid off. My mother justifies her bad spending from my dad's gambling. I will never understand that??? I just hope us kids are not responsible for their house when they die. They keep refinancing for 3 big screen tv's, riding lawn mower, wrap around porch, finished basement in naught pine, all hardwood flooring, ipad's, iPods, ect....

My brother and I are the opposite from our parents. We both are very frugal with our money. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blondie73 (Dec 27, 2011)

Stonewall, you say he hasnt turned his feelings off, how can he tell me in the morning he loves me and then wont tell me again. He wont touch me, or anything. He will hold my hand in front of the kids but when we r alone, forget it. I know I did wrong, I have apolgized I dont knoq how many timea, he will tell me he dont want to hurt the kids but in the same breath he is telling me he wants a divorce but then in that same breath he is making plans for spring break and christmas next year. Sending way too many mixed signals. We have talked about me getting a different job and all. I know I have to be patient, but its just so hard. The thoughr of being without him scares me. We have been together way too long to just throw away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

blondie73 said:


> Stonewall, you say he hasnt turned his feelings off, how can he tell me in the morning he loves me and then wont tell me again. He wont touch me, or anything. He will hold my hand in front of the kids but when we r alone, forget it. I know I did wrong, I have apolgized I dont knoq how many timea, he will tell me he dont want to hurt the kids but in the same breath he is telling me he wants a divorce but then in that same breath he is making plans for spring break and christmas next year. Sending way too many mixed signals. We have talked about me getting a different job and all. I know I have to be patient, but its just so hard. The thoughr of being without him scares me. We have been together way too long to just throw away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he really loved you then he still does but you have deceived him and he is very hurt by it. He doesn't trust you not to hurt him again so he has built a wall between you and his emotions. His subconscious intent is to not let you into his emotions where you can do more damage. 

It takes time to rebuild trust. Your smartest move would be to understand that the damage you have caused has cost you the moral authority to put time frames on when he changes that. If you acknowledge that and remain transparent from now on; in time it will change. But its not going to happen overnight.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Money problems are difficult. It is nice you have a dad to help out. One of the poster mentioned your husband is crossing the line, I agree.

Here is my theory as long as both spouses are of sound mind they can correct any financial problem. Sound mind means that niether spouse has an addiction; gambling, drugs, shopping and so on.

I remember several years ago, my business went into a financial tail spin. The bigger you are the harder you fall. Most of the financial problems were out of my control. One thing I do remember is my wife making a comment to me that was really heartbreaking. She said she would not have let me tap into personal credit (home equity) if she had to do it over again.

I bit my lip. Several years later, I turned things around to the point we are doing very well in a down economy. I did this! I had something to prove. Anyway, the day that my wife eats her words, when I hand over a large bonus check that I will pay myself.

Success is the best revenge. I love my wife. I had to bite my lip over a comment she made over 5 years ago. Now she can eat crow and then go enjoy the money.

So, figure out a way to prove to your husband that you are financially responsible. Apologize for being careless and then do the right thing.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> So, figure out a way to prove to your husband that you are financially responsible. Apologize for being careless and then do the right thing.


Thanks GF!! I am already starting to try to fix my problems on my own! It may just mean not so many gas station stops in the mornings! I can make my own coffee!


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## blondie73 (Dec 27, 2011)

Well, I talked to my h tonight and he confuses me more than ever. I asked him if he was waiting for me to get a better job before he leaves me. He said no. but in the same breath he said he would rather live in a card board box and have his sanity. So I dont know what that means. I know I lied to him but how long do I let him punish me? It has been a month. I just need some kind of advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you are over thirty, the days of Daddy paying for your mistakes are long gone. Take responsibility and do it yourself.

While what you did was wrong, it seems like your husband just wants to shame you into not lying or overspending again. This is destructive.


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## Canadian_ (Feb 2, 2012)

NotSoSure & Blondie....hearing your stories scares the crap outta me! I have 13K of cc debt that I haven't told my H about. Before we got married 5 years ago he paid off a cc for me, and a few years ago he paid off another - apparently I don't learn very well. And now here I sit with 13K and trying to figure out how to pay it off without telling him about it. I have considered borrowing from parents, but as I was considering it my dad was laid off from his job...so good thing I didn't ask. The I considered borrowing it from my brother...who last week was laid off from his job - so again, glad I didn't ask. Now I sit terrified just waiting for the bomb to drop. I know that after the last time H paid it off for me he was very angry and very upset that I hadn't told him about it, and he said the day after our big fight about it that he had a dream that I got in debt again and we got divorced...so I know what the outcome will be if he finds out! I have closed my cc and am able to just make payments on it but its hard when money is so tight, and now we have a baby on top of it. Which is actually where most of the debt came from....I went back to work part time instead of full as daycare is so expensive it would take half my pay away anyways, and buying groceries and household items, things just piled one on top of the other. so now I am working nights while H is home and I am home in the day so we dont have to pay for care. And yet the last few nights I am restless and sleepless that this is all going to blow up in my face and that the inevitable is coming.....I am really scared and I don't want to be divorced, I just have no idea how I let myself get here again!


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Canadian....I totally feel your pain. Almost the same situation for me! And same reasons for me getting into CC debt AGAIN! My H has chilled out a bit about it, but I am still reminded of it daily. I am just working off paying one card at a time for now. I noticed that dividing a payment amount over 2-3 times per month instead of just paying once/month makes a difference too!
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Well, I came accross this old thread because I was looing for info on how to deal with the fact that I found my wifes hidden credit card debt.

my wife has been a stay at home mom for 9yrs. which has been great the kids are great students and are just all arounds good kids.

it was a joint decision with heavey coaxing on her part to become a sahm.we rearanged our lifestyle and reduced our monthly expences so she could stay home. she made the same salary as I when she left work so its been a tough struggle but for the good of the family we did it money isn't everything kinda thought process. the deal was when the kids were in school full time she would go back to work. Well when that happened she found someone she could sew for out of our house and told me she would be able to cover any shortage we would have and she would still be there for the kids in the summer and after school.

now I have come to find she was charging all the shortages and keeping them hidden so she could stay home for another year .

since I found out I have lost all sexuall desire for her or sex in general for that matter how in th f*ck could someone do that to the person they say they love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walk around all day obsessing about it I pride my self in being a NO credit kinda of guy and thought I was doing great fix all the cars to save money do all home repairs even went 2 months with out glasses because mine broke and I had to wait until insurance would pay for it. I just scratching the surface on how frugal I'm am.

Now I feel like my wife stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife

she says all the bullsh*t you guys are saying ....I'll pay it back it will just take me awhile. 

don't you women realise that YOUR shelfishness could ruin your whole family. 


the true character has come out shelfish irrresponsible lying Bit*h

not sure I want that in my life having a really hard time forgiving if I did not have kids I would be gone.

right now I hate my wife with all my heart and don't think I'll ever trust her again.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Well, I came accross this old thread because I was looing for info on how to deal with the fact that I found my wifes hidden credit card debt.
> 
> my wife has been a stay at home mom for 9yrs. which has been great the kids are great students and are just all arounds good kids.
> 
> ...


Not all of us SAHM's are selfish. My husband was the one who wanted me to stay home. I was working full time and going to college at night. I quit both with the understanding I may never return to work. Well, I didn't break my neck and become disabled on purpose. My husband, the hard working man he is, picked up 2 part time jobs(one our own business) to make ends meet. The other job was teaching college courses online, which pays pretty darn well for part time. Again, this was his decision not mine. I'm not selfish because I stay home, even if I wasn't housebound. I was denied disability, but never fought it. I can not hold my head up longer then an hour without support. 

My husband fully supports me. Never has he had any resentments or expectations of me, ever. We both absolutely adore one another.

Both my husband and I live as frugal as possible. The only real luxury we have boughten ourselves was our pets. My husband built me a chicken coop last year, which was a life changing event for me. This showed how much he cared for me and I had a new perspective of meeting his needs.

The 13 year(married 12) he has never raised his voice towards me. We've gotten into 1-2 arguments which were in the last 3 months. Rightfully so, he was under new pressure at work which paid off. 2 days ago he got a very big promotion.

Not once has my husband ever spoken ill of me, nor would I of him. I do find this disrespectful. Name calling is uncalled for.

I do not need permission to buy anything I want or need within reason(a few hundred dollars). He spends what he wants to as well, but again, both of us live as frugal as possible despite our pets.

Being a SAHM does not mean I'm selfish. I meet all my husband's wants and needs, he does the same for me. In the last 13 years I have never heard a complaint from him. Even if I'm having a bad couple days and I can not get dinner on the table when he gets home. He will gladly stop and buy a subway or a rotisserie chicken from the store. Since my disability I've lived a very limited life. I'm housebound and can not leave the house for longer then 2 hours at a time without paying the price of unbearable pain.

If I wasn't disabled, I'd still be home. I haven't worked in 11 years. I truly enjoy my summers with the children. Tonight my oldest walks down the isle getting her diploma. We are so proud of her accomplishments.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not all of us SAHM's are selfish. My husband was the one who wanted me to stay home. I was working full time and going to college at night. I quit both with the understanding I may never return to work. Well, I didn't break my neck and become disabled on purpose. My husband, the hard working man he is, picked up 2 part time jobs(one our own business) to make ends meet. The other job was teaching college courses online, which pays pretty darn well for part time. Again, this was his decision not mine. I'm not selfish because I stay home, even if I wasn't housebound. I was denied disability, but never fought it. I can not hold my head up longer then an hour without support.
> 
> My husband fully supports me. Never has he had any resentments or expectations of me, ever. We both absolutely adore one another.
> 
> ...


not sure why you took offense.


I was not refering to sahm in gereral I was refering to wives who keep credit card debt hidden to the point of riuning a family.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> not sure why you took offense.
> 
> 
> I was not refering to sahm in gereral I was refering to wives who keep credit card debt hidden to the point of riuning a family.


Your right, any lies will ruin trust in a marriage or relationship. I do believe a good marriage is built on trust. My husband and I use one credit card, but a frequent flyer miles, pay in full each month. We don't buy what we can't afford luxury wise. Sometimes the vet bills get out of hand when there is a problem.:/

I thought you were referring to all SAHM's.lol I was mistaken.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

3leafclover said:


> So sorry you're going through this, chillymorn. I honestly think that an issue like this feels like betrayal to the spouse the debt is hidden from. The fallout in the worst cases can be strikingly similar to what a BS goes through after being cheated on. Not the same, of course, but the parallels are there...selfishness, deceit to the point of very calculated efforts to hide the wrongdoing, the betraying spouse's desire to rugsweep the issue, the broken trust.
> 
> I personally believe that a spouse who has committed a financial betrayal should carry the majority of the burden for working towards reconciliation much the same as a WS does in an infidelity situation. Transparency, true remorse, no rug sweeping, etc. Cutting up/giving up the credit cards is like the financial betrayal version of the No Contact letter.
> 
> ...


yep already in place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she will never be trusted with money again.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

With my husbands new promotion we are not changing our spending habits! We will buy everything on sale and cut coupons. Any extra money is going into retirement funds or savings.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I've been the spouse with the hidden credit card debt. It was around $5,000, mostly from disorganization and then the interest started building up.

I was so ashamed and felt so guilty I kept trying and trying to pay it off without telling my husband, as I didn't want him to be involved. But eventually I had to come clean. 

Anyway, he was mostly shocked that I had been too afraid to come and tell him I was in trouble. I'm sure he was angry, but not once did he make me feel worse or bring it up later or use it as an excuse not to trust me. In the end we paid off the debt from our joint money and then I paid us back out of my discretionary money over about 18 months.

I will never, never put us in a position like that again. Never. I don't need to be checked or controlled and thankfully my husband trusts me still.

I'm lucky to be married to him for lots of reasons. That's just one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Needadv (Jun 24, 2012)

My story is worse. My husband knew that I strongly feel that credit card debt is terrible--like throwing money in the toilet. Things have been tight over the last year, and now he lost his job so I have been nervous even though he keeps telling me that he has severance through the summer. From time to time I had looked him in the eye and asked if he was paying our bills without carrying credit card debt. Each time he assured me that he was. To make a long agonizing story short, he had been lying to me for over a year. He led the whole family to believe we could keep on spending as usual while racking up HUGE credit card debt. He lied and lied and lied and even when I found out he continued to lie about one big credit card debt that made the rest look like baby stuff. I am devastated. I can't believe someone could lie to me day in day out and do something so devastatingly destructive to everything. I literally cannot look at him. He did have to go to his parents and beg for money, but that does not help the fact that I cannot trust or respect him.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I think I can see a big thing here:

You racked this debt up, and then went to your husband about it, during reconciliation. Now, if I was your husband, and you came to me with this giant debt, I would be thinking: 
hm...does she actually want to get back together because she loves me, or does she want me to solve her credit problems?
Because to me, I would be thinking 'great, I got a wife that sees me as an ATM machine. Time to finish with her.' 

Now, I don't know if this is how he sees it, but if he has friends, one of them will probably tell him this. I would suggest you make sure he knows you want him because you are in love with him. And make sure you show him you have every intention of paying back the debts, on your own, without his help. That will make this thought go away.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

When my husband & I were separated 11 years ago, I started getting credit cards. When we R, I did not disclose the full extent of this & as I got into higher paid jobs, the debt increased to about $40,000. This was an enormous amount of debt for me to be carrying on my own.
One day, I realised I could not pay it. I sat my H down & confessed & said I had little option but to go bankrupt. He was shocked to say the least, but he stood by me. Every now & then he would look at me & shake his head & say $40,000???? 
That was 4 years ago, I am now a discharged bankrupt, but to this day, this is the biggest area of shame I carry. I will never go into debt again, even if I could with the bankruptcy on my record. No-one else beside H & I knows of this (unless he tells people, which I doubt).
CC are too easy to get, it is a spiralling trap & I am glad that my H stood by me & didn't judge too much. 
Just give your H time to come to terms with this, it is not like we are all perfect.


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