# Repulsed



## hazel22

I am a mother of a 2 year old and a wife. My situation lays in the marriage part, I feel as though I am hanging on. I have been repulsed by my husband sexually for about 9 months, he tries and tries all the time to have sex and i find that the more he asks the more it is repulsive. I feel as though i don't want him to touch me or even give me kiss. This situation is causing a lot of arguments, and I barely sleep in the same bed as him. I have been to the doctor for blood work and she checked my thyroid and my hormone levels but everything came back okay!!?? so if anyone is dealing with a similar situation or has advice please help!!


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## draconis

How old are the both of you?

Have you or he changed in physical appearance?

Did anything big happen a year to 9 months ago?

draconis


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## hazel22

We are young I m 23 and he is 26, after having a baby I gained 40 lbs and nothing I recall happened a year or 9 months ago. Although I did leave 2 months ago for a month because I needed a break from "being june cleaver" so i took my daughter and i to my mothers 1200 miles away and just relaxed. Things then when i came back were okay still didnt want him to touch me or anything but were better when it came to house chores.


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## hazel22

Dont get me wrong I love my husband. I have known him since i was 14 (we have only been together for 4 years) . So it is not that i feel that there are other fish in the sea. I am satisfied in every other aspect i have my own business, i am a mother, and we have a great house, I am just repulsed by him sexually and cant stand that he even mentions anything sexual. it sometimes makes me feel that he cant even hug me without doing something sexual, and the more he mentions or asks the more i get irritated and then we have an argument yada yada he goes to bed i sleep elsewhere because i feel it is my fault


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## draconis

It really sounds like there is something more there. For a while my wife had withdrawn but what it can down to when she figured it out was she was mildly depressed because she had wanted more from life then to work a standard job. She was the one hope in her family for college and never went for it. She also always felt like she was holding me back since I did everything for the household. Finally I sat down with her and we found a way to get her into college and I haven't missed a beat helping her along that path. Things are better now then they ever had been. The point is she had to figure out for herself that she wanted more and what it was.

You mention two things the weight you put on and the "june clever" are either of those things really bothering you?

draconis


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## Green-Moo

So the more your husband mentions sex, the more you feel under pressure to perform and the more stressed out you get? Sounds like you've built a barrier in your head which it's going to take some work to get down. If your husband could be persuaded to forget about sex for a period it might give you some breathing space. Would he consider a period where no sexual touching or talk is allowed? If you can get used to perhaps a hug or touching hands it will be a step in the right direction, because I expect at the moment you tense up at the thought.


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## stav

I think there may be some delayed post natal depression there as well. You gained a lot of weight, felt unattractive and miserable, which perhaps built up inhibitions regarding your body, and the thought of your husband seeing you or touching you intimately. 

This coupled with the feeling of pressure to perform may have made it even worse till you are at the stage you are now.

Perhaps you could get your doctor to recommend a therapy group of counsellor, where you can talk about your feelings. 

Tell your husband how much you love him, and that you want to go back to the loving relationship you had previously, and that you will need his help and understanding to make it work. I bet he will want to help. Perhaps he could even come to the therapy/counselling sessions with you?


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## Norm09

hazel22, your not alone and your husband is not that different than others. 

My wife & I went through a similar "time", and what I have to say may make you mad so please remember I'm try'n to help.

You are both selfish & stubborn. He wants "it" and keeps ask'n/grab'n till he gets what he wants(I was like this). When he's shut down, he feels bad and assumes you want someone/something else. You won't give in cause he'll "win", and you want something in return. You may be in a "dull" moment in your marriage and need a spark to get out of it. You won't have that same "fire" you had before marriage, different time and stage; but you can get to that loving stage in marriage. You just gotta get over that hump.

Wife & I are stubborn, neither one wanted to "give in". I quit touching her and it drove me nuts. We would go a month easy without any "love'n" and I hated it. I was grumpy, she was grumpy. I bought Dr. Lauras' book "proper feeding and caring for a husband". Not my best idea I've had, but was a good laugh. It's a good book, but didn't help us as my wife thought it was one-sided. She bought Dr. Harley books on His Needs/Her Needs, love busters, and 2 more I can't remember....had to do w/emotional needs. 

It really helped us out alot. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

I read them all cover to cover. Wife didn't do so well at reading them so I talked about what was in them as I read and showed her things to read that "fit" us. 

We began to talk more, listen better(me), and work on our marriage instead of focusing everything on the kids. 

We don't have a perfect marriage, but it is MUCH better than before. You've got to work on yourself(can't control anyone else) and work on the marriage as often, if not more, as cleaning/cooking/bookwork, etc.

I don't want to take away from this site, but the marriage builders site is also very good. 

Good luck, I hope this will help. 

PS - Do it soon as your daughter is learning what a marriage should be, do it for her if not for yourself or your husband.


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## mollyL

I agree with several of the posters before me. I think you are still having post partum depression, if it hasn't gone into clinical depression at this late date. It has been my and many other new mom's experience that you may feel repulsed by sex or what leads up to sex after having a baby. I think this is our body's way of telling us we don't want to get pregnant just yet. I'd be interested to know if you breast- or bottle feed /fed your baby. I also think it's important to talk to your doctor about it now.
The bit about June Cleaver, though. You didn't mean it mother-wise, I think, but wife-wise. Mrs Cleaver is iconic as the perfect mom and mother. She is symbolic to you, and if you put some serious thought into it, you could figure out exactly what it is.
I want to put in a word for your hubby. Pregnancy and parenthood put men through changes as well. A lot of men crave reassuring that you still find them still attractive as a husband as well as a daddy. I'd stop pushing him away and try some honest and deep talk with him. You know, turn off the TV, turn to each other and try to work this all out. If that doesn't work, try counseling. Try to stop feeling "repulsed" and remember when you loved him enough to marry him and make him the husband and the father of your child. Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?


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## Immortalone

I think another thing you need to know is this just with your husband. Do you ever think about being with some one else. If the answer is no then I realy don't think it is somehting your husband has done but more like everyone else is talking about. You should see about some counceling or a support group in your area. Other woman that feel the same way is easer to talk to then a man that has no clue.


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## carmaenforcer

Hi *hazzel22*, my wife seems to be going through the same thing as you and dealt with it as poorly as it seems you are. Hopefully your husband is nicer and more patient that I am. Otherwise you will loose him, or worse, he'll get smart and see that you are too much trouble and there are other girls out there that don't find him as repulsive. They are out there, don't give him a reason to start looking, trust me...

You need to understand how lucky you are for having a man that put up with your garbage in the first place. I mean he is probably repulsed by you as well and with better reason, given the dramatic weight gain and the crappy attitude. 
I have no advice for you, just good luck with yourself.

*mollyL*

I loved what you said, one of the first times I heard a woman telling another woman to be nice to her husband and to think about how she is making him feel, wow. You give me hope, your husband is a lucky guy.


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## SageMother

It isn't unusual for women to feel repulsed by sex when their child is under the age of 3. Childbirth issues, hormones, and other changes can lead to this need to avoid sexual contact. You may be suffering from post partum depression, so have that checked out.

After I gave birth to my twins I couldn't stand the smell of the air around men for about a year. It didn't' matter who, it didn't matter where. Guys just smelled bad to me, so take heart. You aren't the only woman to have these sorts of problems!


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## hazel22

or maybe the problem going on in your relationship is that your the one that is rude and inconsiderate and your wife is really repulsed by you as a whole. i at least treat my husband with respect and know that i would never say that leaving him is an option if he doesn't buck up and have meaningless sex because that is all that matters in a relationship. not to mention about the "garbage"/ "dramatic weight gain" have you ever had children? i did not ask for rude criticism especially disrespect. so take your poor judgments elsewhere.


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## hazel22

SageMother said:


> It isn't unusual for women to feel repulsed by sex when their child is under the age of 3. Childbirth issues, hormones, and other changes can lead to this need to avoid sexual contact. You may be suffering from post partum depression, so have that checked out.
> 
> After I gave birth to my twins I couldn't stand the smell of the air around men for about a year. It didn't' matter who, it didn't matter where. Guys just smelled bad to me, so take heart. You aren't he only woman to have these sorts of problems!


thank you for understanding i have been to a few doctors now and working on solutions. it is good to hear im not alone


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## carmaenforcer

Yeah it really sounds like you treat your husband with respect. Where you respecting his wishes when you left the house and took your daughter 1200 miles away from her father or when you made him go 9 months without sex, because YOU were repulsed by his gaining 40 lbs, oh wait that was you huh. 

Like I said, you should know how lucky you are that you have a man that has put up with you so far. Keep ignoring his needs though, they say you never truly appreciate something till it's gone.

You might not care to listen to my words because I do tend to be a bit harsh but another poster said it best when she said;

"Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?"

You do know how to be sympathetic towards another human being, right? Or is it that you just don't care how you are making him feel?


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## draconis

carmaenforcer said:


> Yeah it really sounds like you treat your husband with respect. Where you respecting his wishes when you left the house and took your daughter 1200 miles away from her father or when you made him go 9 months without sex, because YOU were repulsed by his gaining 40 lbs, oh wait that was you huh.
> 
> Like I said, you should know how lucky you are that you have a man that has put up with you so far. Keep ignoring his needs though, they say you never truly appreciate something till it's gone.
> 
> You might not care to listen to my words because I do tend to be a bit harsh but another poster said it best when she said;
> 
> "Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?"
> 
> You do know how to be sympathetic towards another human being, right? Or is it that you just don't care how you are making him feel?


While everyone is entitled to their opinions I really don't think you can help any at the rate you are going. From what little I have read it sounds like it could be depression, a deeper issue or the chemicals in her body still going crazy. Trying to figure out what is wrong is the key and as she said she has been going to the doctors to work on a solution.

I do agree that yes it can be and must be rough on her hubby, but relationships deal with more then just one person and while fault can be 90/10 or what ever still she is the one hoping to find a solution.

Being critical (even to the point of being blunt) is one thing as long as it is constructive.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman

sounds like some sort of depression from the birth, you should really get checked out, but ahve a talk with the hubby about your problems and how you are feeling.

40lbs is a lot to gain, have you tried changing your eating habits and doing some sort of exercise?

I know it is tough with kids, but sometimes changing your diet and exercising helps reverse these conditions.

Best of luck


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## hazel22

thanks for constructive criticism not judgment, i have gone to the doctor a couple of times for blood work but everything is coming back good. The weight issue is just another issue i am working on one month i will lose 20 lbs and the next month i will gain 15, i eat healthy and am active i beleive the weight issue is due to stress from starting a business and running a household. i do talk to the hubby constantly about situations i am going through i just dont want to hurt him and make him feel as though i am not wanting him i love him dearly i just dont want to have sex. the only solution i a can come up with is time will heal and when business eases out a little


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## draconis

hazel22 said:


> thanks for constructive criticism not judgment, i have gone to the doctor a couple of times for blood work but everything is coming back good. The weight issue is just another issue i am working on one month i will lose 20 lbs and the next month i will gain 15, i eat healthy and am active i beleive the weight issue is due to stress from starting a business and running a household. i do talk to the hubby constantly about situations i am going through i just dont want to hurt him and make him feel as though i am not wanting him i love him dearly i just dont want to have sex. the only solution i a can come up with is time will heal and when business eases out a little


Have you tried non sexual touching and intimacy?

draconis


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## carmaenforcer

Listen *hazzel22* I wish I could remember where exactly I read it (somewhere in this forum) but there was a lady that posted how sad she was that her man told her he didn't love her anymore because of her having neglecting him for 16 years. 
It's probably too late for her to reverse the damage done and now that she's done being selfish and uncaring she wishes she could go back in time, but no one can go back in time. 

I would just hope that my harsh words, trying to champion your mans side, can help you to admit or at least that he is a victim and an unwilling participant in this mess (regardless of the cause) and might not appreciate it and someday grow to resent you or worse.

Hate me if you wish, but be honest with yourself if you really hope for mutual happiness in your relationship.

Like someone else said, "a relationship is about two people" and just because you are the one with the possible depression or whatever, the other half of your relationship is suffering too and by your hand. I know women would like it if sex wasn't that big of a deal, but it is a bigger deal than even we might want to admit.


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## SageMother

GAsoccerman said:


> sounds like some sort of depression from the birth, you should really get checked out, but ahve a talk with the hubby about your problems and how you are feeling.
> 
> 40lbs is a lot to gain, have you tried changing your eating habits and doing some sort of exercise?
> 
> I know it is tough with kids, but sometimes changing your diet and exercising helps reverse these conditions.
> 
> Best of luck


You know......

The repulsion may not be depression. It may be her body's way of protecting against another pregnancy.


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## Chopblock

What kind of communication is going on between you and your husband? I think that will provide a BIG clue about whether what you are dealing with is fixable. We don't know all the details, but we don't matter... HE does. If HE doesn't know whats going on, and you aren't communicating with him, then quite frankly, WHAT conclusion is he supposed to come to?

Blunt truth here: when a woman starves a man sexually, he WILL resent her. I don't understand why women think that making him go without sex is going to make him want it less.

Do not be surprised or insulted that he gets more and more insistent as time goes by -- in fact, you should consider it a GOOD sign. The time to be SCARED is when he just shuts down and stops asking. It means he has given up on you, and is either cheating, or getting ready to ditch you.

I am in a VERY similar situation except no kids. Its been 9 months (and even before that, sex was at BEST once a month). I am a GOOD partner. I tell her how much I care, bring in money, help with chores, listen to her, cook... Even her FRIENDS tell her she doesn't deserve me. We do love each other a lot.

But I have tried communicating until I'm blue in the face and she never wants to talk. Its always a "bad time" or "she doesn't want to talk about it". She isn't open to ideas or counseling or anything. Basically, I am in the dark, and will be until she decides to clue me in.

So really... what conclusion am I expected to come to besides "you don't want me sexually anymore".

Like you said, I know the love is there. But let me open you up to one of a guy's BIGGEST fears... becoming the "big brother" or "best friend". We are putting in all the energy effort and resources demanded for a relationship, and love is great don't get me wrong, but we want the sex too. The longer this goes on, the more likely a man is to say "if I want to love a woman I can't have sex with, I'll live with my mom."

I feel she is CHOOSING not to have sex with me, and CHOOSING not to tell me why. I feel powerless and helpless because she is holding all the cards, and my only choices are "deal with" or "leave". As we all know, a lot of anger comes from frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I don't want either of those options: I want us to FIX it and go back to how things were in the beginning.

So once again let me ask you. Does he KNOW WHY you find him repulsive? Do YOU know why? It is NOT fair to make him sit and wait. This is not what either of you signed up for, and you have the power to fix it. You just have to get over these barriers.

Otherwise, and I don't care if you don't like this... he's eventually going to cheat or leave. Nobody is getting younger, and life is too short to waste.


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## Chopblock

If you are still here, I'd REALLY love an answer to my "do you know WHY you find him repulsive?" question.

I get that the pressure turns you off. You don't feel like it, he wants it more, you feel even less like it, so on, so on.

If you know why he is repulsive, you need to think about what can be done to fix it. I'm sure he WANTS to fix it, but he doesn't know what you want. If you don't know what you want, how can he?

I really don't want you to end up like that other woman, doing damage for years and finally losing what you really care about because its too late.


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## hazel22

chopblock-
i have taken the last couple weeks to seriously take a step back and really look deep in every aspect of the situation. the conclusion, he has been pushing for another child and i am not ready. i addressed him with the situation stating that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important. he then went off the deep end on me saying, well talking in the "irritated tone", that if we dont have another one now then we might as well just not have anymore because it'll be too late.... our daughter will be 2 in a month ....so on. i truly believe now that i have addressed the situation it has confirmed everything for me, as to why this repulsive matter is happening. as of now we still dont have sex i have gotten over the repulsive matter for the most part, now we just have difference of opinions. but the issue now is he isnt even trying to have sex like it was a switch and suddenly its off? i am just confused. i talked with him about the why sex was just not interesting to me (i also believe i have some post part. depression) and i thought everything was going great but wrong! i guess time will only tell


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## swedish

I would guess that after 9 months of knowing you did not want sex, and now knowing you think it's because you don't want another child right now and letting him know that sex was just not interesting to you, that he now gets the hint and has backed off. It's good you are being honest about your feelings and trying to resolve this issue, but at this point I would think you need to initiate sex to get it back on track. He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted.


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## Chopblock

***"He might be feeling that any advances he tries to make are unwanted."

Yeah, I agree with this statement. It sounds like after actions and words demonstrating no desire for sex, he has finally "taken the hint" as it were and concluded "she doesn't want sex". For you to completely reverse course after all that conditioning just complicates matters further.

One thing you said that struck me as hopeful was this: "that im just not ready and why not having a another child right at this moment is important"

Personally, it sounds to me like you are not saying "no" you are just saying "not yet". If that is the case, instead of saying "not now" how about saying "in 2 years" or something a bit more reassuring. Of course you should only say this if you intend it to be true, but I think that stating you have a plan that is slightly different from his will carry much more opportunity for positive compromise than implying you are rejecting his idea outright.

As far as the on/off switch. A friend and I differ about whether or not men or women are more like dimmer switches. I always felt men were "always on to some degree" (like a dimmer) while women definitely have an "off" position. He thinks the reverse, but whatever -- both are probably true depending on the person.

Again, if his switch is in the off position, do acknowledge that you have had a part in getting it there. This isn't me blaming you, this is me giving you an opportunity for discussion. If you admit to him that you know you pushed him away, and that you see how things you did had the opposite effect that you wanted, he may be more willing to talk.

More simply put: men spend so much time being "wrong", that they greatly appreciate when a woman is able to admit her own mistakes. You do not want to make him feel like he is always wrong -- you want to make him feel like you made a mistake, and that you really value his opinion too.

Keep this in mind cuz a lot of people forget it: you know how firm you feel about NOT having a child right now? Well imagine he feels equally firm about having the child now. I'm amazed at how people tend to forget that their partners can feel just as strongly about the opposite side as the person feels about his/her own side.

As such, don't think in terms of "why his way is wrong" because he is also thinking that your way is wrong (maybe not in as negative a light, but you see what I'm getting at). Focus on working together.


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## stav

Tell him you love him and you want to be close to him, and the only reason you are pushing him away is because you are scared of having another child right now.. ask him to give you a little more time to get your body and feelings back to normal (is contraception an issue btw?) and then perhaps you could both discuss again if it's time to try for another child, if you BOTH want one.

His insistance on another baby if you don't want one, is also part of the problem. It's not ALL you.


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