# Hover mom



## Wheels71 (Apr 23, 2016)

Hi all. First time poster here. I'll get to the point. My wife wife is a hover mom. Not your typical textbook hover mom however. We have a 17 yr old daughter and a 14 yr old son. Two completely opposite kids. Both wonderful and caring (they actually get along very well and never fight). The issue is with our son. Our daughter was always a homebody. She never expressed a desire for freedom and independence. It just came slowly and easily. Our son however is the opposite, he just wants to go go go. Now we are an active family. We snowboard in the winter and cycle in the summer. Our son is an avid bmx rider and a competitive freestyle snowboarder. This is where the problems come in. My wife has a general anxiety disorder. She acknowledges this freely and fights with it constantly. She is happy to let him do backflips off 50' jumps on his snowboard but can not let him go out riding with his friends. We have a bmx/skate park 6kms (4 miles - I'm Canadian) from our house. His friends have been riding there for the last two yrs. my wife won't let our son ride there unless I go with him. Now nothing pleases me more than watching him do his thing on his bike or board but I don't think I need to escort him. It would embarrass him and l would look creepy. She has a hard time just letting him go hang out with his buddies. 

So this is our situation. My wife will let him do extreme sports but not walk to the park without making him call or text when he gets there. It's across the street. And if I say yes to him going somewhere she feels that I'm making her out as the bad guy. If I point out that her worrying might be excessive it will end in a fight. Oddly enough we are sending him on a snowboard trip with his team for some end of season training in the Canadian Rockies ( we live in Toronto ) and that's a 5 hr flight from us. But it is a real battle for him to go out and come home when the street lights come on. 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Our son his very patient and understanding regarding my wife's anxiety but it's getting harder for him and as he heads further into his teens I fear that this will explode at some point.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She does not "understand" the extreme sports risks vs she "understands" the risks of everyday activities.

In practice she's wrong in both instances...


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I would start by stop trying to convince her that her worrying is excessive. You aren't going to logic her out of it. Acknowledge her fears, but son needs to start taking these steps to become a healthy autonomous teenager/soon adult. Then concede to some measures that allay some of those fears and give her a sense of control. Is it really that big of a deal for him to text when he leaves and arrives? That is common courtesy. If he rides his bike the four miles she can track him on the phone. 

We live in the same small town I grew up in. When we were kids we would ride our bikes everywhere and be gone from breakfast to dusk. But my 11 year old son wanted to ride his bike downtown, only 1+ miles to the playground and we said no for the longest time. Why? Can't even pinpoint the fear - he knows bike safety, stranger danger, etc...but the fear was there. When I brought up to my husband how we used to do it daily he said "it is a different world now." Actually no it isn't, we just get to hear about the bad stuff more easily. So I said yes but followed him the car. Seeing him do it right helped. He still has to text when he gets places and when he is heading home, but he is allowed to go. Oh, and son plays football. Not extreme sports like yours, but I would allow him to risk a concussion daily but not ride his bike a mile?

I think it is pretty common now. Turns out none of the other kids in the neighborhood had been allowed to ride outside of our cul de sac either. Once they saw my son do it they were allowed to try it too. But each and everyone had a parent follow in the car for the first time. One mom got pulled over by the police because someone called to report a car stalking young boys on bikes, lol.


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## Wheels71 (Apr 23, 2016)

john117 said:


> She does not "understand" the extreme sports risks vs she "understands" the risks of everyday activities.
> 
> In practice she's wrong in both instances...




I'm not sure what you mean. She is an ER nurse. She fully understands the risks of everything.


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## Wheels71 (Apr 23, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> I would start by stop trying to convince her that her worrying is excessive. You aren't going to logic her out of it. Acknowledge her fears, but son needs to start taking these steps to become a healthy autonomous teenager/soon adult. Then concede to some measures that allay some of those fears and give her a sense of control. Is it really that big of a deal for him to text when he leaves and arrives? That is common courtesy. If he rides his bike the four miles she can track him on the phone.
> 
> We live in the same small town I grew up in. When we were kids we would ride our bikes everywhere and be gone from breakfast to dusk. But my 11 year old son wanted to ride his bike downtown, only 1+ miles to the playground and we said no for the longest time. Why? Can't even pinpoint the fear - he knows bike safety, stranger danger, etc...but the fear was there. When I brought up to my husband how we used to do it daily he said "it is a different world now." Actually no it isn't, we just get to hear about the bad stuff more easily. So I said yes but followed him the car. Seeing him do it right helped. He still has to text when he gets places and when he is heading home, but he is allowed to go. Oh, and son plays football. Not extreme sports like yours, but I would allow him to risk a concussion daily but not ride his bike a mile?
> 
> I think it is pretty common now. Turns out none of the other kids in the neighborhood had been allowed to ride outside of our cul de sac either. Once they saw my son do it they were allowed to try it too. But each and everyone had a parent follow in the car for the first time. One mom got pulled over by the police because someone called to report a car stalking young boys on bikes, lol.




Actually he is very courteous. He texts or calls when we ask. He has made the point to me that his friends have had significantly more freedom than him for quite some time. And yes we've had the "every family is different" discussion. I just want to please my wife and my son without too many hurt feelings.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wheels71 said:


> I'm not sure what you mean. She is an ER nurse. She fully understands the risks of everything.


I spent an awful amount of taxpayer money in graduate school researching what I just wrote above. Being an ER nurse means she knows what are the consequences when something happens, not necessarily the odds of it happening.

People don't understand risks as well as they do, and that manifests itself in such ways. It's OK for the kid to play Tony Hawk on the skateboard but biking on streets to get to the park is not OK?

I am a cyclist enthusiast myself and had no problem letting my younger daughter go cycling with her friends after I went riding with her a number of times and made sure the route is reasonable? Perhaps you can try this approach?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could try taking her to a therapist and explaining the situation. I had to do that with my H, who wouldn't let our 17 year old daughter go to the mall without us. The therapist explained to him that it's our job to let her do these 'risk' things while she's close to him instead of waiting til she goes away to college, and we're not there to protect her. That way, if something happens, we'll be nearby to help her sort it out.

Other than that, you can start out in increments, let her get comfortable, and then extend it to a little more each time. Like you take him, but leave him there for an hour. Do that for a couple weeks. Then leave him there for two hours for a couple weeks. And so on.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is it the BMX stuff she doesn't like, or the bike ride to get to the BMX park? Does he ride alone?


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