# Guys, seriously, WHY does my husband have this chip on his shoulder?



## lisa3girls

I mean, this diatribe was totally unwarranted and unneccessary. 

We had our realtor out last night as we are going to sell the house and downsize. We did some minor cosmetic improvements. When we were in our lower level rec room, the realtor said how much he loved our new wall to wall carpet choice. And I said, thanks, I picked it out. 

Hubby chimes in...oh of COURSE I get NO credit for anything around here EVER....ok, first of aa bull pucky...he gets credit for lots of things from me and the girls ALL the time. Second, he didn't have anything to DO with picking the carpet...he wasn't even home. The day the carpet guys came he said, I don't care, you pick and then when he saw it installed he was complimentary about the pick to me.

I mean what the f---??? All I said was thanks, I picked it out....this constant need to be stroked and complimented (even though he is) and to act like the victim of the family where nobody cares or appreciates him is getting old.


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## themrs

I'm not a guy, but that sounds like bait to me. Obviously he doesn't feel appreicated, but he doesn't have to whine about it. That is not sexy at all.


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## CallaLily

Wow not sure I could continue with that. He sounds childish. Maybe he needs some counseling for his constant need to feel validated for things. I had a friend like this once, she always needed to be constantly praised and told she was appreciated etc. 

Don't get me wrong, we all need/want that, but when its all the time on just about everything, even the things they didn't even do etc, then thats an issue. Needless to say it got pretty old, and I always felt that whenever I was around her, no matter how much praising I gave her it never seemed to be enough.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> I'm not a guy, but that sounds like bait to me. Obviously he doesn't feel appreicated, but he doesn't have to whine about it. That is not sexy at all.


It isn't and I hate it...it is like having another kid. But ****...why the carpet...it isn't even something he had ANYTHING to do with!:scratchhead:


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## DanF

I can't help you with that one...
Maybe sarcasm?
Or, he knows that he rarely does anything and this is his way of making sure that he gets credit for something?
Or, he's an ass!


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## lisa3girls

DanF said:


> I can't help you with that one...
> Maybe sarcasm?
> Or, he knows that he rarely does anything and this is his way of making sure that he gets credit for something?
> Or, he's an ass!


He does lots of things, and we say so -- my youngest daughter is so sweet, she will even thank him and praise his cooking and he will belittle what he did instead of saying thanks. Makes me want to slap him.


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## themrs

He did this right in front of the realtor? How did you respond? UGH! I'm sorry he acts like this. I'm embarrassed for you and I don't even know you guys.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> He did this right in front of the realtor? How did you respond? UGH! I'm sorry he acts like this. I'm embarrassed for you and I don't even know you guys.


Yes, I ignored it, what else could I do?


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> Yes, I ignored it, what else could I do?


That's what I would have done too. Did you say something about it to him later?

Honestly, this burns me up. It feels like I'm constantly reminded not to treat a man like a child, but a lot of times they act like children. This is definitately one example.

I would have been tempted to turn to the realtor and say, "He's just cranky. He hasn't had his sippy cup yet."


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## CallaLily

themrs said:


> That's what I would have done too. Did you say something about it to him later?
> 
> Honestly, this burns me up. It feels like I'm constantly reminded not to treat a man like a child, but a lot of times they act like children. This is definitately one example.
> 
> I would have been tempted to turn to the realtor and say, "He's just cranky. He hasn't had his sippy cup yet."


:iagree: :smthumbup:


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## MisguidedMiscreant

themrs said:


> That's what I would have done too. Did you say something about it to him later?
> 
> Honestly, this burns me up. It feels like I'm constantly reminded not to treat a man like a child, but a lot of times they act like children. This is definitately one example.
> 
> I would have been tempted to turn to the realtor and say, "He's just cranky. He hasn't had his sippy cup yet."


That wouldn't have ended well.

Your man feels as if the work he does goes unnoticed despite the fact that you believe that you notice it, maybe he sees it different. Have you asked him what the hell did he mean by that?

Treat him like a man and he'll act like a man, treat him like a child and he'll do something childish and immature like looking around for someone to make him feel like a man in some way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

You could decide he's a jerk. Or you can decide that you got some good information that can make you, your husband and your children have a better life. Most likely he is not feeling appreciated and admired by you. It has nothing to do with the carpet. Show him appreciatoin and admiration.


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## themrs

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> That wouldn't have ended well.
> 
> Your man feels as if the work he does goes unnoticed despite the fact that you believe that you notice it, maybe he sees it different. Have you asked him what the hell did he mean by that?
> 
> *Treat him like a man and he'll act like a man, treat him like a child and he'll do something childish and immature like looking around for someone to make him feel like a man in some way.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe we all understand the concept. However, in the situation above lisa3girls's husband was out of line and ACTED like a child. She didn't treat him like one. 

What should she have done besides ignore his ill timed and juvenile outburst? We need practical advice here. "Treat him like a man", just doesn't seem to fit in this situation when the man in question isn't acting like one especially when his behavior is unprovoked.


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## themrs

Hicks said:


> You could decide he's a jerk. Or you can decide that you got some good information that can make you, your husband and your children have a better life. Most likely he is not feeling appreciated and admired by you. It has nothing to do with the carpet. Show him appreciatoin and admiration.



How can she do this AND get it across to him that his behavior in front of the realtor was sophomoric and embarassing? Most husbands deserve appreciation and admiration, but the way he went about letting her know he felt devalued was inappropriate and he needs to understand that.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> That's what I would have done too. Did you say something about it to him later?
> 
> Honestly, this burns me up. It feels like I'm constantly reminded not to treat a man like a child, but a lot of times they act like children. This is definitately one example.
> 
> I would have been tempted to turn to the realtor and say, "He's just cranky. He hasn't had his sippy cup yet."


I didn't, I have been trying to make things better and let things go...but I feel like I am the only one


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## lisa3girls

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> That wouldn't have ended well.
> 
> Your man feels as if the work he does goes unnoticed despite the fact that you believe that you notice it, maybe he sees it different. Have you asked him what the hell did he mean by that?
> 
> Treat him like a man and he'll act like a man, treat him like a child and he'll do something childish and immature like looking around for someone to make him feel like a man in some way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is HIS issue though, I cannot make him happy or make him feel good about himself. I don't know what he wants...he doesn't know what he wants I think


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> How can she do this AND get it across to him that his behavior in front of the realtor was sophomoric and embarassing? Most husbands deserve appreciation and admiration, but the way he went about letting her know he felt devalued was inappropriate and he needs to understand that.


I honestly don't know what to do...he bristled when I try to be affectionate with him, and has something snippy like this to say all the time. I compliment his clothing, how he smells, what he cooks, and things like that all the time.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

lisa3girls said:


> It is HIS issue though, I cannot make him happy or make him feel good about himself. I don't know what he wants...he doesn't know what he wants I think


You're married, his issues are your issues. You're his wife, he thinks you can make him happy and feel good about himself. You think he doesn't know what he wants, I guarantee he knows what he wants. He wants to sense that he's your man, appreciate what he's done and does. You say you feel like you do and maybe, from your perspective, you do but he doesn't see it that way. At least he's being vocal about it to you now, ignore him, then he becomes vocal to someone else. Next thing you know, one of you is starting a "Coping With Infidelity" thread.

Don't take my word for it, go straight to the horses mouth. Talk to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> You're married, his issues are your issues. You're his wife, he thinks you can make him happy and feel good about himself. You think he doesn't know what he wants, I guarantee he knows what he wants. He wants to sense that he's your man, appreciate what he's done and does. You say you feel like you do and maybe, from your perspective, you do but he doesn't see it that way. At least he's being vocal about it to you now, ignore him, then he becomes vocal to someone else. Next thing you know, one of you is starting a "Coping With Infidelity" thread.
> 
> Don't take my word for it, go straight to the horses mouth. Talk to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Don't think I haven't tried...he said he wanted to get a job (he has been home with the kids for years) and do something more, but he claims he CANNOT because of my job and the kids. (I travel) That is a cop out... he .hasn't even LOOKED. The kids are in school all day, he most certainly could get some job if that is what he really wants. I have told him flat out that I will find another arrangement to get the kids where they need to be if that is necessary, to just go for it and start looking -- this was over a year ago. 

That is why I say he doesn't KNOW what he wants...his words say one thing, his actions another. 

He is one of those guys that never makes any decision unless someone shoves him into it. Right now, we both say we are tired of the big house, big payment, big chores and long commute to everywhere...we will see if he really will put the house on the market or not in a few days. What he does is make no decisions about anything ever, then when I finally just make them, he complains that I make all the decisions....it.is.maddening........


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## magnoliagal

lisa he's in a tough spot and unfortunately he's taking it out on you. He's jealous of your job, your life, your success and he feels less of a man because of it. Then to have to downsize too? Wow. Even my nice husband went through some bad moods when we had to downsize 8 months ago. He felt like a complete failure even though the paycut wasn't his fault.

And if it makes you feel better I had to make all the decisions regarding selling. Took us 9 months to sell (we were lucky) and it was not fun.


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## lisa3girls

magnoliagal said:


> lisa he's in a tough spot and unfortunately he's taking it out on you. He's jealous of your job, your life, your success and he feels less of a man because of it. Then to have to downsize too? Wow. Even my nice husband went through some bad moods when we had to downsize 8 months ago. He felt like a complete failure even though the paycut wasn't his fault.
> 
> And if it makes you feel better I had to make all the decisions regarding selling. Took us 9 months to sell (we were lucky) and it was not fun.



Oh we don't HAVE to, we want to....I honestly believe not being so tight in the budget and having less responsibilities as to the house all the time will actually help us. We don't have enough fun or down time at all.

I cannot make him feel better about my job etc., I WISH I could trade places with him...honestly being responsible for the financial security of the family is exhausting.


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> Oh we don't HAVE to, we want to....I honestly believe not being so tight in the budget and having less responsibilities as to the house all the time will actually help us. We don't have enough fun or down time at all.
> 
> I cannot make him feel better about my job etc., I WISH I could trade places with him...honestly being responsible for the financial security of the family is exhausting.


I soooo am right where you are. My husband does the same thing to me. He says he wants things, but he never follows through on them. If he does follow through on them, it's because I held his hand the whole way to get it done. 

I have decided to take a leap of faith. Like you, I feel burdened by the financial responsibility so I've decided to quit my job. I told my husband he has 90 days to find a job that can keep us in the lifestyle in which we currently live (that doesn't take much) and I'm done. 

I don't know what the future holds. We may be out on the street in a year. But I have to give him the opportunity to man up and take the lead in our family or he's always going to use me as an excuse as to why he "couldn't" do it.


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## magnoliagal

lisa3girls said:


> Oh we don't HAVE to, we want to....I honestly believe not being so tight in the budget and having less responsibilities as to the house all the time will actually help us. We don't have enough fun or down time at all.
> 
> I cannot make him feel better about my job etc., I WISH I could trade places with him...honestly being responsible for the financial security of the family is exhausting.


I agree with the house thing. Moving to a much smaller place has done wonders for both our stress levels. It's half the size, half the mortgage, half the utilities, it's fabulous.

You are right you can't make him feel better about your job. And I bet he secretly wishes he could trade places with you too.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> I soooo am right where you are. My husband does the same thing to me. He says he wants things, but he never follows through on them. If he does follow through on them, it's because I held his hand the whole way to get it done.



Yes this!! I hate it...I wish he would man up a little geesh. I cannot do what you are doing to my kids-- he could NEVER make the money I make, he has been out of the work force for 15 years. He is a substitute teacher and he is over the top fantastic at it...kids love him, teachers love him, administration loves him. I encouraged him to take the alternative degree program (he has a BS, and our state has programs that are shorter to get teacher certification) and he won't-- insists he is too old (he is 49)-- of course he could have done this 2 years ago right? And he still has enough time to earn a teacher retirements-- but nope, he won't even take a step. 

I sort of think if I hold his hand through it, it defeats the purpose-- he needs to do something himself that he wants from start to finish.


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## lisa3girls

magnoliagal said:


> I agree with the house thing. Moving to a much smaller place has done wonders for both our stress levels. It's half the size, half the mortgage, half the utilities, it's fabulous.
> 
> .


I am glad to hear that it has helped you...I really think we need to eliminate some stress from our lives. The kids are totally on board too. 

I wish I could help him feel better about himself...honestly I am willing to try but don't even know how anymore.


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## notaname

lisa3girls, you are in a tough situation that will probably not easily resolve.

Maybe get him the book _48 Days to the Work You Love_ by Dan Miller. I prefer the workbook version. It is very helpful with tasks broken down to do that will lead to becoming employed in something you enjoy. Don't force it on him, but tell him that since he had talked about wanting to get a job and you want him to find something he would enjoy that you thought the workbook might be helpful.

Now, as far as you making all the decisions. Start out by asking his opinion on things. Even though you may not "need" his opinion on whatever it is. ASK. Have him choose the restaurant or movie, it can be as simple as that. Ask him where the next family vacation should be to. When he chooses do not complain or try to veto it. 
If there is a crisis ask him what you guys should do. Let him step up to the plate and handle things.
Try to have him make the decisions when it is one that can be made right then in that conversation. Perhaps it is the long term things that he just procrastinates.

Well, these are just some ideas. I'm sure that it is going to be a stressful time for you guys as you get ready to move.


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## MisterNiceGuy

lisa3girls said:


> I am glad to hear that it has helped you...I really think we need to eliminate some stress from our lives. The kids are totally on board too.
> 
> I wish I could help him feel better about himself...honestly I am willing to try but don't even know how anymore.


He needs to Man Up. Get him the No More Mister Nice Guy book to start. You guys will be headed for a divorce if you are left to make all the decisions and he just hides in the background. It's a recipe for disaster...


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## lisa3girls

MisterNiceGuy said:


> He needs to Man Up. Get him the No More Mister Nice Guy book to start. You guys will be headed for a divorce if you are left to make all the decisions and he just hides in the background. It's a recipe for disaster...


I know, I don't want that...I hate it. I want this to work and I feel so helpless.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

Ok, you're right, he does need to figure something out for himself. He needs to figure out what type of man he's going to be, the type that leads his family or the type that let's his woman lead. Is his ol' man still alive or does he have a mentor? He'll need to speak to another man for this, not read a book. If not, he's going to have to face himself. I have recently and it's done a lot.

Themrs? I really don't think you should've quit your job with the current economic climate, what if you do split? Can you easily find another? Also, was he this way when you married him?

Back to the OP, supporting the family financially is exhausting, that's why it's typically the man's role as provider. You're going to have to figure out if you want to be the breadwinner or breadbaker in the family, you both can't perform the same duties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> ....he thinks you can make him happy and feel good about himself.


Here is the typical problem. He THINKS that SHE can make him happy. This is so far from the truth and he doesn't even realize it. He can only make himself happy. Yes, we all have needs our partner needs to fulfill, but relying on a spouse to MAKE you happy without owning that happiness yourself is typical NICE GUY behavior.



> At least he's being vocal about it to you now, ignore him, then he becomes vocal to someone else...


No. He's not being vocal about it at all. He's being passive agressive. Which is a weak way of getting what you want. If he was being vocal, he would have just came straight out and said..."look honey! I'm not feeling things between us right now. I think it's because your not meeting some of my needs I need..........." That's being vocal! Passive aggressive, manipulating comments are a sure sign of weakness and is a sure way to kill that love. It's also a massive turnoff.


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> Yes this!! I hate it...I wish he would man up a little geesh. I cannot do what you are doing to my kids-- he could NEVER make the money I make, he has been out of the work force for 15 years. He is a substitute teacher and he is over the top fantastic at it...kids love him, teachers love him, administration loves him. I encouraged him to take the alternative degree program (he has a BS, and our state has programs that are shorter to get teacher certification) and he won't-- insists he is too old (he is 49)-- of course he could have done this 2 years ago right? And he still has enough time to earn a teacher retirements-- but nope, he won't even take a step.
> 
> I sort of think if I hold his hand through it, it defeats the purpose-- he needs to do something himself that he wants from start to finish.



I understand. I can take this leap because my husband's 20 years younger than yours and still has the time to build something for us. My biggest fear is letting this continue for the rest of our lives to the point where we resent each other.

I read this book called the Surrendered Wife. Ever since then I have taken a good hard look at my role in my husband's complacency. I have no patience and I am controlling. When he can't stay focused on something, I just take over. I'd rather just have it done than wait for him to get it together. I'm controlling because of my fears of what will happen if I let go of the reigns. I want to let go, but I'm afraid to because he hasn't shown me he will be responsible. 

I'm learning to just let go and start living the life I want to live. If you can't let go of your job, let go of some other responsibilties you have and pass them to him. Don't let him bait you into not being able to do it. Keep encouraging him that he can do these things and completely stay out of it. That's the only way he'll learn.


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## Runs like Dog

I have an eggshell spouse like that. I've never figured out how to handle it. Whatever I say, good or bad - if it's obliquely related to her in any way it invites a torrent of unhappiness. 

I think at its core she simply does not want me to think of her in any way or notice anything she does. If I lavish praise or not or say thanks for complement, it's all the same reaction - muttering and anger. Better to just let her talk and take credit or whatever all on her own.


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## themrs

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Themrs? I really don't think you should've quit your job with the current economic climate, what if you do split? Can you easily find another? Also, was he this way when you married him?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't quit my job. I am going to quit once he finds one. I have to take drastic measures in order to get him to do what he's supposed to do. How else will he step up to the plate if I don't step down? Honestly, I'm asking.

I can always find another job. I'm certified to be a substitute teacher and I'm going to put in notice at my job and I'm sure they will rehire me if it ever came to that.

When I married him he was in school becoming a nurse. I was very proud of him. He had a plan. Well, he didn't pass the final exam to become certified and he gave up. Any time I brought up him getting his certification, he got defensive. This was when our son was first born. I got the job I have now as a temporary position while he was in school. Six years, and three more children later, I am still here and he hasn't done anything in the way of nursing since. He's had more jobs than I can count since then and I have to take some responsibility for it because I always took care of everything financially. Everything we have, I paid for so he has never felt the anxiety of having to make ends meet. That's my department and I'm sick of it. 

So I told him I'm not doing it anymore. It's time for him to step up or ship out.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

alphaomega said:


> Here is the typical problem. He THINKS that SHE can make him happy. This is so far from the truth and he doesn't even realize it. He can only make himself happy. Yes, we all have needs our partner needs to fulfill, but relying on a spouse to MAKE you happy without owning that happiness yourself is typical NICE GUY behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> No. He's not being vocal about it at all. He's being passive agressive. Which is a weak way of getting what you want. If he was being vocal, he would have just came straight out and said..."look honey! I'm not feeling things between us right now. I think it's because your not meeting some of my needs I need..........." That's being vocal! Passive aggressive, manipulating comments are a sure sign of weakness and is a sure way to kill that love. It's also a massive turnoff.


See? This is why relationships suck nowadays. I thought it was his job to make her happy and her job to make him happy. If he alone was looking out for his happiness, then why is he married? He might as well be single. That's not being a nice guy, that's called being a husband. What about the men that cheat trying to find someone to make them happy, are they nice guys?

I don't know what you view as passive aggressive, help me with that. To me, "I never get any credit..." translates to "I want some credit..." What if he said "I want some credit for the things I do around here, *****!" Would that be okay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> See? This is why relationships suck nowadays. I thought it was his job to make her happy and her job to make him happy. If he alone was looking out for his happiness, then why is he married? He might as well be single. That's not being a nice guy, that's called being a husband. What about the men that cheat trying to find someone to make them happy, are they nice guys?
> 
> I don't know what you view as passive aggressive, help me with that. To me, "I never get any credit..." translates to "I want some credit..." What if he said "I want some credit for the things I do around here, *****!" Would that be okay?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But he DOES get credit...that is the thing, and then he belittles it-- whatever we complement. I can supplement his happiness and he can supplement mine, but if he is unhappy with himself and his life, I cannot FIX that FOR him. As a matter of fact, I feel like my trying to fix things for him has made the issue worse.


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## lisa3girls

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Ok, you're right, he does need to figure something out for himself. He needs to figure out what type of man he's going to be, the type that leads his family or the type that let's his woman lead. Is his ol' man still alive or does he have a mentor? He'll need to speak to another man for this, not read a book. If not, he's going to have to face himself. I have recently and it's done a lot.
> 
> Back to the OP, supporting the family financially is exhausting, that's why it's typically the man's role as provider. You're going to have to figure out if you want to be the breadwinner or breadbaker in the family, you both can't perform the same duties.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His old man was an ass...and he belittled my husbands role as the caretaker of our children...which probably contributed to his issues today. He used to tell him why doesn't he wear a skirt-- how rude is that?

"I" am willing to suck it up for the family-- and continue being the breadwinner. I am also willing to take a lesser job if he wants to get something and be more equal, I am willing to downsize the house so we can more easily afford for me to take a step back-- but man I am getting NOTHING back here.


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> His old man was an ass...and he belittled my husbands role as the caretaker of our children...which probably contributed to his issues today. He used to tell him why doesn't he wear a skirt-- how rude is that?
> 
> "I" am willing to suck it up for the family-- and continue being the breadwinner. I am also willing to take a lesser job if he wants to get something and be more equal, I am willing to downsize the house so we can more easily afford for me to take a step back-- but man I am getting NOTHING back here.


You are doing the best you can. It sounds like he doesn't feel confident that he can pull it off (get the teaching cert and keep a job) and that frustrates him. Of course YOU know he's more than capable of being a teacher (he's already doing a great job at it), but somewhere along the lines he's lost faith in himself. It sounds like he blames you for everything he hasn't become.


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## bingofuel

I am a busy-body and can not sit idle for too long. I take on projects that are labor intensive that take up alot of my free time.
I get this frequently from my wife when I try to take credit for something I have done. Many times she uses the term "WE" did this when in fact it was I who did all the work. That pisses me off. If it did not happen regularly, it would affect me less- Did your husband build the rec-room?? If so, then he's pissed that you didn't cred him for building it! Drywalling and construction requires TONS more effort than picking swatches! If he had no hand in the build, then I honestly can't see why he's tick'd.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> You are doing the best you can. It sounds like he doesn't feel confident that he can pull it off (get the teaching cert and keep a job) and that frustrates him. Of course YOU know he's more than capable of being a teacher (he's already doing a great job at it), but somewhere along the lines he's lost faith in himself. It sounds like he blames you for everything he hasn't become.


I know.. and really, it isn't my fault.. I was just doing what needed to be done


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## themrs

bingofuel said:


> I am a busy-body and can not sit idle for too long. I take on projects that are labor intensive that take up alot of my free time.
> I get this frequently from my wife when I try to take credit for something I have done. Many times she uses the term "WE" did this when in fact it was I who did all the work. That pisses me off. If it did not happen regularly, it would affect me less- Did your husband build the rec-room?? If so, then he's pissed that you didn't cred him for building it! Drywalling and construction requires TONS more effort than picking swatches! If he had no hand in the build, then I honestly can't see why he's tick'd.



This is a good point. A wife should always find ways to praise her husband in public.

However, the realtor didn't mention the drywall. She/he mentioned the carpet, which Lisa DID pick out. I guess she could have said, "Yes, I also think the carpet is lovely. Did I mention my husband actually BUILT this whole room?"


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## lisa3girls

bingofuel said:


> I am a busy-body and can not sit idle for too long. I take on projects that are labor intensive that take up alot of my free time.
> I get this frequently from my wife when I try to take credit for something I have done. Many times she uses the term "WE" did this when in fact it was I who did all the work. That pisses me off. If it did not happen regularly, it would affect me less- Did your husband build the rec-room?? If so, then he's pissed that you didn't cred him for building it! Drywalling and construction requires TONS more effort than picking swatches! If he had no hand in the build, then I honestly can't see why he's tick'd.


No, he didn't-- we paid to have it done, six years ago. We had ice dam water damage this winter, and so the carpet was ruined and we replaced it...the home sales people came out to the house, I picked, it was done. It was really nothing to be snippy about at all.


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> I know.. and really, it isn't my fault.. I was just doing what needed to be done


OMG, you are preaching to the choir. Too many women pick up the slack when their husband let's them down (or better let's himself down) under the umbrella of "doing what needs to be done." We feel like it won't get done otherwise.

I'm at the point that if I don't let him try to do it, I'll never know. Maybe it won't get done the way I would have done it, but I've got to see if it will get done in SOME way by letting him try.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> This is a good point. A wife should always find ways to praise her husband in public.
> 
> However, the realtor didn't mention the drywall. She/he mentioned the carpet, which Lisa DID pick out. I guess she could have said, "Yes, I also think the carpet is lovely. Did I mention my husband actually BUILT this whole room?"


While he didn't do that... I guess I might try to find things to openly praise him for. I always always praised him taking such good care of the girls when I travelled, but he seems ashamed of it. I am not, I am proud of him but not particularly proud of his lack of self pride in doing what was best for his family.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> OMG, you are preaching to the choir. Too many women pick up the slack when their husband let's them down (or better let's himself down) under the umbrella of "doing what needs to be done." We feel like it won't get done otherwise.
> 
> I'm at the point that if I don't let him try to do it, I'll never know. Maybe it won't get done the way I would have done it, but I've got to see if it will get done in SOME way by letting him try.


I have to tell you, when he took over all the household duties, I made my tongue bloody going out of my way not to tell him how to do anything, or criticize how he did things etc. He stepped up and he did really great--- other people gave him kudos ALL the time for it. 

And yet, still here I sit like I was some kind of controlling uber ***** which I assure you I was not. I am beyond frustrated at taking the fall here and don't know what to do...I want my marriage back and I am so frustrated.


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## themrs

lisa3girls said:


> While he didn't do that... I guess I might try to find things to openly praise him for. I always always praised him taking such good care of the girls when I travelled, but he seems ashamed of it. I am not, I am proud of him but not particularly proud of his lack of self pride in doing what was best for his family.


I guess you have to start praising him for the things he wants to be proud of. If he doesn't feel especially proud of taking care of his daughters (which I agree he should because parenting is not easy), then find something else he does and praise him for that. 

Is he proud of his teaching? Maybe you can compliment him on that more often with a couple of hints about how great he'd be if he was a full time teacher.


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## trey69

Hicks said:


> Show him appreciatoin and admiration.


She has said she does this and so do the kids. That is why IMO if you have shown your spouse appreciation, by telling them and showing them, over and over, then he is probably just be an a$$. It sounds more to me like HE isn't showing her much appreciation. With that kind of comment in front of the real estate agent, sounded like a personal slam to me. There are some people who no matter how many times you show them or tell them you appreciate them they do not believe it. Which means its HIS issue and he is projecting it off onto her.


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## MisguidedMiscreant

lisa3girls said:


> His old man was an ass...and he belittled my husbands role as the caretaker of our children...which probably contributed to his issues today. He used to tell him why doesn't he wear a skirt-- how rude is that?
> 
> "I" am willing to suck it up for the family-- and continue being the breadwinner. I am also willing to take a lesser job if he wants to get something and be more equal, I am willing to downsize the house so we can more easily afford for me to take a step back-- but man I am getting NOTHING back here.


His ol' man's not an ass, he's old school. You didn't say he shrugs off the compliments you give earlier, that changes a lot. It sounds like he agrees with his father, he doesn't want to be doing this. He rejects the compliments he gets because those aren't the ones he wants. What you and themrs's husbands need to do is rediscover how powerful they are. One's an educator and the other's a healer, those are very powerful roles. One can teach the person that cures AIDS or cancer and the other can administer it. They probably need guidance until they can take over their lives again so, it's not a bad idea to talk to older men like his father.

Also, themrs, good taking responsibility for your actions and good sucking it up, lisa3girls.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> His ol' man's not an ass, he's old school. You didn't say he shrugs off the compliments you give earlier, that changes a lot. It sounds like he agrees with his father, he doesn't want to be doing this. He rejects the compliments he gets because those aren't the ones he wants. What you and themrs's husbands need to do is rediscover how powerful they are. One's an educator and the other's a healer, those are very powerful roles. One can teach the person that cures AIDS or cancer and the other can administer it. They probably need guidance until they can take over their lives again so, it's not a bad idea to talk to older men like his father.
> 
> Also, themrs, good taking responsibility for your actions and good sucking it up, lisa3girls.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I really appreciate that. 

I understand what you are saying, I really do. I just need help on how to guide my husband without doing everything? I think lisa's problem is the same. How do you gently nudge someone in the right direction, without getting so frustrated by their lack of progress and focus that you just grab them by the hair and DRAG them to the place THEY said they wanted to go?


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## bingofuel

themrs said:


> This is a good point. A wife should always find ways to praise her husband in public.
> 
> However, the realtor didn't mention the drywall. She/he mentioned the carpet, which Lisa DID pick out. I guess she could have said, "Yes, I also think the carpet is lovely. Did I mention my husband actually BUILT this whole room?"


Praise when it is not warranted is useless and counter-productive! Giving credit where credit is due however is key. A person who breaks his/her backs doing something and gets no reward for doing so, will be less likely to assert themselves further.


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## magnoliagal

.


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## themrs

magnoliagal said:


> .


Cyber high 5! I LOVE this! It gives me hope. 

My children are also little and I want to be with them. That's my main motivation, but I feel like I can get my marriage back on track if I allow my husband to take his rightful place as leader of this family.


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## magnoliagal

themrs said:


> I understand what you are saying, I really do. I just need help on how to guide my husband without doing everything? I think lisa's problem is the same. How do you gently nudge someone in the right direction, without getting so frustrated by their lack of progress and focus that you just grab them by the hair and DRAG them to the place THEY said they wanted to go?


The trick is sometimes with drastic measures like you are doing. For example the best thing I ever did was quit my job (I was the breadwinner). It forced my husband to man up and be the provider. In 7 years he's managed to outearn me. Think he would have done that if I were still bringing in the moola? No I can assure you he would not. He also didn't feel very manly in the role of my helper. And no amount of praise would have changed that. He needed to provide just like I need air. And I think that is what is at the heart of what's going on with lisa's husband. He's less of a man being mostly a homemaker.

I'd rather live in a dinky apartment with him being the breadwinner than have a nice house and me pay for it. I've had that unhappy husband before and it's not fun.


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## themrs

magnoliagal said:


> The trick is sometimes with drastic measures like you are doing. For example the best thing I ever did was quit my job (I was the breadwinner). It forced my husband to man up and be the provider. In 7 years he's managed to outearn me. Think he would have done that if I were still bringing in the moola? No I can assure you he would not. He also didn't feel very manly in the role of my helper. And no amount of praise would have changed that. He needed to provide just like I need air. And I think that is what is at the heart of what's going on with lisa's husband. He's less of a man being mostly a homemaker.
> 
> I'd rather live in a dinky apartment with him being the breadwinner than have a nice house and me pay for it. I've had that unhappy husband before and it's not fun.


:iagree:


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## elo123

Its hard to tell what kind of tone he used, but that kind of crap doesnt have any place in front of a realtor or in a transaction with a professional. That was designed to dig at you. If it was just between the both of you then fine because couples may be playfully sarcastic. 

Thats why I dont like sarcasm in a relationship. Its always negative stuff that surfaces.


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## AgentD

It was disrespectful of him to do that in front of someone. I'm sure his intention was to embarrass you, if not he wouldn't have said that. 

I hope you addressed the issue with him after the agent left. Joking or not, personal dig at you, or not, there is a time and place for everything and that was not the time or the place.


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## lisa3girls

themrs said:


> Thank you. I really appreciate that.
> 
> I understand what you are saying, I really do. I just need help on how to guide my husband without doing everything? I think lisa's problem is the same. How do you gently nudge someone in the right direction, without getting so frustrated by their lack of progress and focus that you just grab them by the hair and DRAG them to the place THEY said they wanted to go?


Right...and somehow I think he KNOWS I do this for him and it contributes to the lack of self worth, does that make sense?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Based on my "newfound" knowledge (still in its infancy stage), I agree - this sounded like bait to me.

Your statement made him "feel" as though he had no contribution to the changes made. Doesn't matter if it's childish, if he did, or who is right or wrong - it made him feel bad and he immediately got defensive. He didn't respond well but the statement shouldn't have been made either.

What was the purpose of adding - and I picked it out?

Wouldn't a simple thanks have gotten the same point across?

In saying - I picked it out - you unconsciously wanted to be acknowledged for picking it out - you wanted that compliment to be directed at you, you wanted "credit" for how good it looked. Now you might not have made that decision with forethought, but think about it - how do you think it made him feel, set yourself aside for a moment. Can you see HIS POV and why it mae him feel this way? 

I am halfway through a book - One Can Bring the Two of You Together that I think would be helpful to you.

It's main focus is on getting rid of the tit-for-tat mentality. The "I'm doing all the work" and "he's doing nothing" mentality. If you expect negativity, then you're going to get it - a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's not about what you are/are not doing and what he is doing or not doing. It's about breaking patterns of behavior that got you where you are today.

Read the book - I've only had it a week but I already feel better and "my" reactions to what my husband does/says are already shifting.


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## Jamison

Its probably something as simple as you both didn't think before you spoke. 

Next time both of you should be more mindful of the things you say before you say them. Also its possible you both still feel unappreciated, which means you should sit down and talk about this and get to the bottom of WHY.


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## AFEH

lisa3girls said:


> I cannot make him happy or make him feel good about himself.


Do you honestly believe that?

I used to think like that. That my emotional well being is totally dependent on myself. But then one day I was listening to a radio program about Carl Jung the psychologist. He stance was that our emotional well being is somewhat dependent upon the people with are with, “no man is an island” and all that.

Think of it this way, it’s a bit extreme to illustrate the point. If you were for some reason beyond your control to find yourself in prison with a bunch of hardened criminals would that affect your emotional well being? And the same if you were to find yourself in a mental institution along with insane people.

If you think you have no affect on your husband’s well being, either positively or negatively, then please think again. After all, isn’t that what the five love languages is all about?


That being said your H should have taken pride in you for your choice in carpet and getting it all sorted. He didn’t and I wonder why?

Bob


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## AFEH

Lisa3girls sounds like your H suffers from low self esteem.

Bob


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## lisa3girls

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> What was the purpose of adding - and I picked it out?
> 
> Wouldn't a simple thanks have gotten the same point across?
> 
> In saying - I picked it out - you unconsciously wanted to be acknowledged for picking it out - you wanted that compliment to be directed at you, you wanted "credit" for how good it looked. Now you might not have made that decision with forethought, but think about it - how do you think it made him feel, set yourself aside for a moment. Can you see HIS POV and why it mae him feel this way?
> 
> .


I don't know why I said it....dh had complimented my choice many times and then the realtor did and it just came out-- I guess I was proud of the choice as I generally am not very good at the whole decorating thing. I certainly didn't MEAN anything negative by it toward him. I guess it wouldn't bother me in the least in the other direction...he does lots of things that I need no credit for but my ego is not as fragile right now. I would like that book, because right now I don't think he is open enough to do much.


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## lisa3girls

AFEH said:


> Do you honestly believe that?
> 
> If you think you have no affect on your husband’s well being, either positively or negatively, then please think again. After all, isn’t that what the five love languages is all about?
> 
> 
> Bob


Oh gosh no, I wouldn't say I have NO effect, but it isn't JUST me...he has to like him too--- does that make sense?


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## bingofuel

magnoliagal said:


> The trick is sometimes with drastic measures like you are doing. For example the best thing I ever did was quit my job (I was the breadwinner). It forced my husband to man up and be the provider. In 7 years he's managed to outearn me. Think he would have done that if I were still bringing in the moola? No I can assure you he would not. He also didn't feel very manly in the role of my helper. And no amount of praise would have changed that. He needed to provide just like I need air. And I think that is what is at the heart of what's going on with lisa's husband. He's less of a man being mostly a homemaker.
> 
> I'd rather live in a dinky apartment with him being the breadwinner than have a nice house and me pay for it. I've had that unhappy husband before and it's not fun.


Yikes


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## ManDup

lisa3girls said:


> I have to tell you, when he took over all the household duties, I made my tongue bloody going out of my way not to tell him how to do anything, or criticize how he did things etc. He stepped up and he did really great--- other people gave him kudos ALL the time for it.
> 
> And yet, still here I sit like I was some kind of controlling uber ***** which I assure you I was not. I am beyond frustrated at taking the fall here and don't know what to do...I want my marriage back and I am so frustrated.


It sounds like a kind of raw deal for you. He was definitely being passive-aggressive in this case. Calling you out (particularly wrongly) in front of a realtor is uncalled for, and belies some sort of underlying frustration that he is wrongly expressing. My wife and I use the phrase, "use your words" when talking about that kind of thing, kind of as a joke. 

So anyway, you may try making it very clear to him that you are willing to listen in an appropriate forum at an appropriate time to his complaints, and that you won't run away and leave him for expressing these thoughts. People turn passive-aggressive when they are afraid to bring up their real complaints. This isn't your fault unless you like yell at him every time, but it's probably something he learned.

With regards to his particular actual problem, it sounds like he is feeling unmanly. This is reinforced by his old-school father. Getting a teaching post (a traditionally female job) may not help matters too much, especially if you outearn him. 

But all is not lost. I think you might try focusing your praise not just on how well he executes traditionally female tasks like housework, but rather, how he does them in a manly way, looking particularly for something about the way he does dishes that is both manly and better (or at least not worse  ) than the way a woman would do it. Anything that he does that is traditionally manly, take pains to point out. 

I still had some residual nice-guy wimpy stuff when I met my now-wife, but she actually helped me work through these things just through encouragement and little hints ("pull my hair - put me in my place" - yes, this was our pillow talk for a while).


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## nader

the only correct thing to say would be, yep, my wife has great taste. (implying "because she married me!").

Either that or nothing. This sounds silly and childish, but it must be about something else.


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## 4sure

Maybe the guy is cranky because he needs to be laid. When was the last time he really got great sex. Maybe he is sexually frustrated, and he was lashing out.
Just throwing out another reason why he may have acted the way he did.


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## AvaTara539

lisa3girls said:


> Yes, I ignored it, what else could I do?


I would put my foot in his a** verbally, if my husband was rude to me in front of other people, I would say "what do you think you are doing disrespecting me that way in front of the realtor?" or whoever. I might pull him to the side to say it first, I might not, depending on my mood  But that's totally unacceptable behavior and I would make sure he knew immediately. Even worse is not being kind to your daughters when they thank him. He may (literally) need a chill pill!


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