# Husband storms off in a fight and doesn't return to resolve the fight



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years and married for one year. At this point we are both going through our individual issues and even taking therapy for it. One of my biggest issues in life has been that I perceive rejection very quickly. A few months into the marriage, I realized that and sought therapy. Even though I am getting better, its a slow process and for every step forward I end up taking two steps back.

When we have heated fights, we both have a tendency to storm off. I don't think its the best way to deal with the situation but I can't blame him for storming away because I do it too. But even if I do, I return after some time (when I am calmer) to resolve the fight. My husband, on the other hand, storms off to another room and doesn't return. He will either go and sit in front of his laptop or sleep on the couch. He never walks away with the intention to return later and resolve the fight before going to bed. Recently, I had a discussion with him about this and told him how it makes me feel abandoned, stranded and invalidated. All my instincts tell me to follow him and keep fighting, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. He told me he understood and promised to return after some time in future fights.

Yesterday we had a small argument in which he got upset and walked away and didn't return. This has left me feeling even worse because he promised. Any advice?

P. S - he doesn't leave the house, just goes to a different room.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Some advice please?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You need MC to learn to communicate effectively. You need some basic rules of engagement to stop things from getting out of hand. Like if things are getting to heated you both get a time out to regroup and calm down but with the agreement the the discussion will resume in x amount of time. The problem is people don't listen when they're angry so your not going to resolve anything. Try to keep things somewhat loving. For example if he is getting overly frustrated and about to storm of try saying something like come on lets get this resolved so we can have makeup sex.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You also need to understand that your fights are likely about "topics". Topics which "trigger" both your memories which support a negative personal perspective of the other partner.

In order to solve your problems, you both have to "root out" the underlying belief which gets triggered when the topic arises. A good, qualified counselor should be of good help on this.



aburjwal said:


> I can't blame him for storming away because I do it too.


Case in point. Storming away is a "topic". The question is...... what can you, and DO you, blame him for ?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

First off, I recommend that you stop fighting. Contrary to popular opinion, couples don't need to fight to resolve conflict. Fighting can make things worse as you are finding out.

It is better to learn how to communicate with an attitude of wanting what is best for both of you and to work to be on the same page. There is rarely a reason to get angry with each other, especially if you have each other's backs and are concerned with the other's person's feelings. Be kind to each other. That should be rule #1.

Peaceful relationship are not full of unresolved issues and hostility. That is why they are peaceful. In a peaceful relationship spouses speak respectfully to each other and listen to each other's concerns. If you two decide to do that and work at it, you should be able to resolve the fighting immediately.

In order for this to work, each person has to stop being defensive. If neither person is defending herself, there is little room for a fight. Putting someone on the defensive with personal attack and name calling or saying things like, "You always" or "You never" etc. is not helpful. Instead talk about what happened and how you feel.

This situation with your husband would be a good opportunity to start this. Tell him that you expect him to come back and it hurt your feelings when he didn't. Then find a way to express your concerns to him without attacking him in any way, but simply telling him what you need and how you feel with an attitude of unity. Going into a situation with hostility or an adversarial attitude is not good for a healthy, loving marriage.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

I agree with the recommendation for MC, at least for the chance to have some new techniques for you both to try out. 

It's taken some years, but my husband and I have gotten more and more engaged with how we handle our arguments vs how we'd like to be handling them. It honestly takes a lot of patience and a lot of genuine compassion for each other since you both are trying your best to handle the emotional rise that comes with it. 

In my own case, I need to be allowed some time to myself in order to recenter and come back with a calm perspective. My husband is the opposite and loves to beat an argument into the ground. It took years for me to realize that we both were acting from a place of panic, and that through recognizing that in each other, our sympathy and patience grew in those moments. We're definitely not there quite yet, but the progress we've made since mutually understanding at least what the other person meant by their reaction has been astounding. 

While it's been easier for you to learn to calm down and come back to settle an argument, there is clearly a disconnect in you both understanding why the other one might need space. It could honestly be that he feels guilt, fear, and confusion at those moments and retreats out of worry that to continue would just escalate the anger or frustration. That could also be why he doesn't want to bring it back up later, fear of it resurfacing. 

Just be patient, and learn to also recognize your love for each other in the moment of frustration, because neither of you want to lose your heads over something that might create emotional distance. Until he's able to come to a more functional response to conflict, it might be up to you to reach out to him in more of a reconciliation manner than a problem-solving one. Find a common ground that's a neutral zone that allows you both to set aside the argument and be in the moment together in more of a healing/reset manner. It'll take time but I'm sure if you both communicate sincerely and are willing to be patient, you'll get there.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

TJW said:


> You also need to understand that your fights are likely about "topics". Topics which "trigger" both your memories which support a negative personal perspective of the other partner.
> 
> In order to solve your problems, you both have to "root out" the underlying belief which gets triggered when the topic arises. A good, qualified counselor should be of good help on this.
> 
> ...


We went to a counselor who advised us to take individual therapy for a few weeks before getting into MC, so we are doing that right now. 

Quite honestly, right now I am just feeling upset about the fact that he made a promise and didn't keep it. He was really sincere when he made it, which makes me feel like he was only pacifying me at that time.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Aburjwal said:


> .....we are both going through our individual issues and even taking therapy for it.
> 
> ...When we have heated fights, we both have a tendency to storm off.
> 
> ...


Actually, this isn't a totally bad way to handle things. Let me explain. 

When my wife and I were rebuilding our marriage, we went to a Gottmans' Art and Science of Love workshop. During the two-day workshop one of the things we worked on was negotiating "grid lock" issues. Often when a couple negotiates/discusses such an issue they will do something that is called "emotionally flooding." Emotional Flooding is really an Adrenaline-fueled emotional state, what is sometimes called a "fight of flight" response.

The medical impacts of this are interesting and important to understand. First you have tunnel vision. Parts of your brain also shut down and your ability to gather non-critical information and conduct complex logical thinking ends. Biologically, if you need to run from a tiger to survive or you need to smash the tiger in its head with club you want to focus on running away or using all your strength to hit it on its head. You don't want to be distracted by a butterfly in a pretty blue sky. 

During the workshop, professional counselors would monitor the negotiations and taught us that when one partner emotionally flooded, one of us would have to recognize what was happening and call a "time out." When that happens we were to stop any negotiations (in your case arguments or trying to work through an argument) until both partners were no longer in an emotionally flooded state, which could take a long time. Only after we were in control of our emotions should be try to resume the conversation.

As such "storming" off, if you both know what is happening and why you are doing it and one of you calls it.......is not all that bad, as long as you are both committed to continuing the discussion at another time when your brain is not overwhelmed with adrenaline. 

Your instinct to continue fighting is wrong if your husband or you are emotionally flooded, which sort of sounds like what is happening. My suggestion would to talk to your IC or MC about the topic of emotional flooding and how the two of you can better handle it when it comes up.

Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> We went to a counselor who advised us to take individual therapy for a few weeks before getting into MC, so we are doing that right now.
> 
> Quite honestly, right now I am just feeling upset about the fact that he made a promise and didn't keep it. He was really sincere when he made it, which makes me feel like he was only pacifying me at that time.


His behavior isn't about how he feels about you. It may feel very personal, but it's not. It is about his inability cope when he is upset or you are upset. The key is to have compassion, as @ButWeAreStrange mentioned. Understand that he is upset and speak to him kindly. Reassure him that you love him and are trying to work through this with him. If you come to all discussion with this attitude and request that he does also, it will help you two work through things so much better.

It is not urgent that you fix this right now. My suggestion is that you first establish an attitude of working together and helping each other to resolve things that aren't working properly. Stop taking things so personally and realize that you are individual with individual needs and expectations, some of which the other person may be completely unaware of. Your goal should be to work together to do what meets both of your needs and shows love for each other.

Basically what needs to happen is a readjustment of your attitude and expectations - together. Talk about that first. How you want to have each other's back 100% and for neither of you to ever feel attacked. In fact, the opposite. You should be each other's safe person for the rest of your lives. Where you go when you want refreshment and validation.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I was going to mention that OP stated in the 1st. post that both hubby and herself were "going through their OWN issues"....


That is a disturbing part to this story. When 2 people get married. They are effectively becoming "1". To start a marriage together before releasing the baggage earlier is a poor and difficult choice. As you both are figuring out now. While MC is a good idea for the marriage. Regular therapy and group interaction should start....

Finding good self realization and communication links will be necessary for the rest of the MC and relationship to move forward. With the hubby or others further in OP
's life. You guys are in a negative cycle and feeding into each other. You look for conflict, he looks for conflict avoidance. And around and around you go....


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> I was going to mention that OP stated in the 1st. post that both hubby and herself were "going through their OWN issues"....
> 
> 
> That is a disturbing part to this story. When 2 people get married. They are effectively becoming "1". *To start a marriage together before releasing the baggage earlier is a poor and difficult choice*. As you both are figuring out now. While MC is a good idea for the marriage. Regular therapy and group interaction should start....
> ...


 @bold - I agree. However neither was us was aware how deep our issues ran before we got married. We were living together even before marriage and neither of these issues cropped up. 

And yes, I agree with the negative cycle bit as well. That is what my therapist and I are working towards now.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> His behavior isn't about how he feels about you. It may feel very personal, but it's not. It is about his inability cope when he is upset or you are upset. The key is to have compassion, as @ButWeAreStrange mentioned. Understand that he is upset and speak to him kindly. Reassure him that you love him and are trying to work through this with him. If you come to all discussion with this attitude and request that he does also, it will help you two work through things so much better.
> 
> It is not urgent that you fix this right now. My suggestion is that you first establish an attitude of working together and helping each other to resolve things that aren't working properly. Stop taking things so personally and realize that you are individual with individual needs and expectations, some of which the other person may be completely unaware of. Your goal should be to work together to do what meets both of your needs and shows love for each other.
> 
> Basically what needs to happen is a readjustment of your attitude and expectations - together. Talk about that first. How you want to have each other's back 100% and for neither of you to ever feel attacked. In fact, the opposite. You should be each other's safe person for the rest of your lives. Where you go when you want refreshment and validation.


Yes, its not urgent. I thought about this quite a lot and wondered - did I _make _him promise me? Did I put him in a spot where the only way out was to promise? But if thats the case, then where does the sincerity come from? Surely if a person makes a promise to get out of a spot, there is a sense of exasperation there? 

I do agree with your post, I need to approach this in a better way.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

My husband and I used to do this quite often.. and still regress to it on occasion. I've learned to let him take his time and then ask for a reschedule. It was very helpful for us both to start setting a time to talk again, otherwise issues would never be worked on. If it is a really hard topic to discuss, doing it by letter, or monologues work sometimes. I'll say something, just me. Then the next night he can respond while I shut up. It's a hard pattern to break. Good luck, keep coming up with solutions and finding new ways for you both. 

I can understand what you are saying about being upset that he didn't keep his promise, but maybe give a little slack this time, promising and learning the tools to change the behavior are two different things. It takes time to build a new skill set.


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