# Talk? or Shut up?



## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

My wife and I became distant very slowly over the years due to poor relationship skills and my tendency to put business ahead of family. She admitted to becoming resentful, and her cold shoulder was most apparent late last year. 

Thankfully, I woke up about 6 months ago and dedicated myself to changing the situation.

The first thing I did was take the steps to make sure there was no affair (after 5 months of serious investigation came up with nothing). I then set my sights on trying to repair actions that caused damage and resentments.

5 months ago I found this site and have followed the great advice people gave me. I returned to the happy, confident, fun man she married 18 years ago. I stopped all words and actions that could come across as smothering her, but continued to make it clear "by my actions" that she and my kids are the most important people/things in my life. 

This seems to be having a positive affect, and my wife is slowly warming back up to me. I am very happy about this, but don't feel I am out of the woods yet.

Now she is making repeated comments about how "communication" is the most important thing in a marriage. She has told me that I need to do a better job expressing my feelings openly.... But when I try to talk about our relationship or how I am feeling, she just seems to brush it off by changing the subject as quickly as possible.

So I am confused. If she feels communication is important and truly wants things to get better between us, why is she so reluctant to talk about it?

Is she waiting for me to take the lead on communication / at the risk of smothering her? 

Or do I continue to let my actions speak? / at the risk of not "communicating" well?

Any insights?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

She is asking for communication, so you cannot ignore that to opt for actions speaking for you. Give her what she asks for. If she seems to shy away from communication, then put your thoughts and feelings in writing - a letter, email, whatever. This way, she cannot say you did not try and she cannot shy away either. You place the ball in her court. Exactly how to respond and move forward in the communication department is up to her. You will have done as she requested.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Why not tell her that you are trying to bring up your feelings but you feel your feelings are being brushed aside. Be specific about what she is doing that leads you to feel you are being brushed aside, i.e changing the subject, looking away from you, physically turning her back to you, etc. be specific. Then tell her what would help you feel she was listening to you. again, be as specific as possible. 

it could just be that she's so accustomed to you being closed off that even though she wants to hear how you feel, its still uncomfortable for her. but you'll never know until you ask. next time she does it, just ask her. You can always warn her when you are sharing your feelings and ask her if she wants to hear them- that's what i have to do with my H. that way they know and will remember.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

It's interesting that she's closing off to the exact thing she asked to have. Does she know what drove you to the epiphany that you had? Maybe she's wondering what's so different now compared to the long time that you were the not-ideal husband.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

This is very simple:

---So I am confused. If she feels communication is important and truly wants things to get better between us, why is she so reluctant to talk about it?---

She is not yet ready to take the same positive actions that you did.

A few weeks ago, I read "leadership and self-deception" which really brought home the need to focus on actions instead of words. Since reading it, I feel like I have honed my skills about reading the "true" meaning of a word by studying the body language.

Now, notice first, that you spoke with ACTIONS. You put your family first. You stopped smothering her. You fixed what was wrong. You skipped the "words" and you showed her that you were genuine. To some degree, it has had a positive effect. You made your actions match your words.

Notice second, however, that her actions do not at ALL match her words. She says she wants you to communicate more, yet every time you do, she demonstrates through action that this is not really what she wants.

Let me save you a few fights. Don't bother pointing this out to her. She is not ready to admit to herself that her actions do not match her words, and if you show her proof, her denial will be shattered, and she will take that anger out on you. Save yourself the headaches.

I have truly noticed since reading that book, that many women have no idea what they really want when it comes to men and feelings. They say they want him to express his feelings, but when he does, they seem put upon and respect you less. They say they want you to not be a doormat, but the moment you stand firm, she ups the ante.

Case in point:

---This way, she cannot say you did not try and she cannot shy away either. You place the ball in her court. Exactly how to respond and move forward in the communication department is up to her. You will have done as she requested.---

If you do that, she is going to start feeling like you are some slick lawyer who is building a case so you can place the blame on her. I used to think that saying "well, I tried, SEE! And YOU were the one who didn't respond" protected me, but while it may have theoretically exonerated me from blame, I still never got the outcome that I wanted.

SHE has to be ready to communicate too. I think the best thing you can do is continue to demonstrate the positive actions that will get you the results you want, but do not make a big show about how you are trying and she is not. 

She will NOT participate until she is ready. That is an absolute. As was said, these patterns did not develop overnight. Many people who are used to not getting what they want still cannot accept it when they get it. It will take time.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That makes a lot of sense if it is the case, but I still contend he cannot expect his actions to speak for him. He will just continually give her ammunition. He does not have to call her out on her own behavior and put her on the defensive, but he does have to do as she asked. Otherwise, there will be no progress in her opinion. You are suggesting he not progress. Besides that, you suggest he do nothing until she is ready, but he wouldn't have any idea when she is ready. So it might take time, but would could be his cue?

Careful, I understand the bind you are in. I suggest you try opening her up when you write to her. Instead of putting your feelings in writing, ask her of her feelings first. Whatever you might decide to share with her, hold off on sharing and first ask her. Such as "How do you feel about such&such" or "What do you think about . . ." By engaging her, you open the conversation up for equal exchange. When she answers you, then you respond with your thoughts on the subject. As a postscript in those emails, I suggest you stroke her a little. Pay her a compliment. Tell her you love her. Whatever. Yes, she asked you to communicate more and share your feelings more. The only thing is you don't really know what specifically she is looking for you to say, but that doesn't mean she does not know. The problem, of course, is her reaction when she doesn't get what she's looking for. You did as she asked but was seemingly shut down. It just might not have been what she wanted, at least not at that time. Engage her. Share with her. Stroke her a little. I can't imagine there being much left. LOL


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Thanks again for your responses. I am a skilled communicator in my business, but I have been horrible in communication with my wife. I kept quite when things were going bad because I didn't want to make a fuss, and I kept quiet when things were going good because I didn't want to brag. Unfortunately, I failed to understand that my wife was/is my partner for EVERYTHING in life. The more I think about it, the more I realize why she felt/feels the way she does. She once told me that I sweep things under the rug when it comes to her. The more I think about my past, the more ashamed I am. I was not abusive, dishonest, sneaky, disloyal, or anything even close....but I simply did not treat her as a true partner. Always kept things at a distance. Damaging.

With that said, I am sure I also can't change overnight. I can't expect her to just turn back on the love overnight. I have also learned that I can't make her feel something she doesn't.

I just have a hard time understanding how to balance my actions. 

Please answer one other question for me if you can.....

She has definitely noticed the changes I have made. I have not pointed them out, and neither has she...but she has definitely noticed. However, NOW she has just moved her criticism to smaller more detailed things. Example: She used to complain that I didn't help get the kids ready for bed. Since my revelation, I now do everything with my son's bedtime schedule (bath, snacks, brush, floss, story, backrub, lights out, etc...), plus I have taken on the task of making sure my daughter is on schedule (since she handles most betime routine herself). My wife is the one who now sits and watches TV while I do this (reverse). I have taken on this task (and many others) without fail for 5-6 months. Now I am O.K. with this. In fact, I enjoy it a great deal, and don't mind if my wife is off her feet for the 1/2 hour it takes. HOWEVER, after I have done these things, it is almost like clockwork that she finds something else I failed to do. For instance, "You forgot to push in your chair again after dinner", or "you never touched up that chip in the sink I asked you about". 

I don't mind doing what it takes to show my dedication to do more than my fair share, but I am feeling a little like I'm being tested, used, nitpicked.......doormat.

It's almost like the situation is reversing now.

??


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Stepping up to the plate to become the husband she needs you to be doesn't have to mean you lose your manhood, dignity, or your place in her life. Don't allow her to reduce you. If you feel like a doormat, you allow her to make you feel that way. Say something when she does that - when she criticizes or complains needlessly.

Another thing is it sounds like you are looking to her to guide you in some aspects, or at least taking her lead. Concerning that communication problem? Tell her tonight, "Honey, I'd like us to set aside a couple hours this weekend just for the two of us. I want to spend the first hour talking about us and the second hour just being with you. I think we should do this every week to make our relationship stronger. Is between 3 & 5 on Sunday good for you?" She might have to change the time, but she can't very well back out or change the subject, can she? And, you will be taking the lead. She'll respect that.

Come back and tell what happens.


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## jwil (Aug 2, 2010)

when a woman has become cold its usually because shes tired of being hurt or disappointed. her criticism might just be a defense mechanism because she is afraid to open up to you. those walls werent built overnight and they wont come down overnight. just keep doing the right thing.


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