# Did I use my other man? If so, how?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

*Did I use the other man? If so, how?*

I did not feel this miserable in a long time. Someone told me today, that I was not used by other man, but it was other way around and the more I thought about it, the more miserable I became. I am starting to think that maybe I do things I don't even know about. What if I used him and don't see it? How can I see it in order to fix it? What if it is not him who is narcissistic, what if that's me? I am so confused. I feel like I become some kind of monster and did not even know about it...
I already faced people on this forum about subject of my cheating and I understand I deserved those harsh comments. But I never thought of me as someone who used the other man until now. How did I do that?
When OM and I started to talk online, I told him first day that I was married. When he mentioned meeting me - I said I can't. He was first one talking about kissing me while I said I can't do that neither. He sent me his pictures on his own, I did not ask for them. He started sweet talking, complimenting me - I did not fish for it. I was not there to seduce him before he started anything. When we met, he was in hurry to be physical and pushed for it. My mistake was I let it happened. I met him, I stayed and there is no one else to blame, but me. 
I liked his attention, his compliments, his gentle kisses. I thought I was in love with him, I cared. I never asked for any gifts, while I made him some. I just don't understand... How did I use him? I just don't know and I want to know in order to become a better person. What is wrong with me?

Edit: By pointing out what he did, I did not mean to blame him for my behavior. It was my fault. I respond to most of his messages the way I should not because I liked it. Yes, he was giving what I missed in my relationship - attention, feeling wanted, loved. I just always thought that if I was using him, I would not tell him I was married at first place. I would just have sex with him and would not care about him or his feelings. But I did care. I don't understand to myself anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I liked his attention, his compliments, his gentle kisses. I thought I was in love with him, I cared. I never asked for any gifts, while I made him some. I just don't understand... How did I use him? I just don't know and I want to know in order to become a better person.


I don’t think that he’s a victim that you used. He knew exactly what was going on.

I think that both of you used each other. Maybe for different reasons. You used him to get something in your life that you were not getting in your marriage.

You were not a victim. While you write about it as though he pursed you but it was innocent enough on your part… like he seduced you. Well you seduced him as well. You did not by continuing contact with him, by meeting him.

There were hundreds, if not thousands, of points in your developing relationship with him that you knew what you were doing was wrong. Points when you could have (should have) said, this is wrong I’m done and out of here.

He is not a victim. And you are not one either.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Some people have this trick where they bait the other person into making all the advances, but knowing full well where it might lead.

I've done it, it's a semi-conscious thing. It's where you think, I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm liking how this is going, so I'll just 'see what happens'.

Temptation and addiction and so on, is always about the "I'll just see what happens".

If you want to be a better person, you just have to connect with what you're feeling rather than trying to ignore or justify it.

No-one distrusts a person who says "I'm bad, I don't hide it." They attract people who are up for bad.

The person who is most harmful is the one who does bad things and pretends it's for a moral reason. An example of this is your thinking at the time, that 'it's not me encouraging it', while still making yourself available.

Be good or bad, just don't be fake.

Just my thoughts. This applies to me as well. I have now realised that I am incredibly self-focussed, but I also understand that it was after being too altruistic as a young person. So my perception of myself never changed - I could do no wrong; I knew best..., while my behaviour had become narcissistic and abusive. A very effective combination by the way, to believe you are noble and do dirty tricks in secret.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Some people have this trick where they bait the other person into making all the advances, but knowing full well where it might lead.
> 
> I've done it, it's a semi-conscious thing. It's where you think, I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm liking how this is going, so I'll just 'see what happens'.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I had to look up altruistic since I did not have a clue what that means in English. I was that way and still am. Although, I don't think I can do no wrong. I admitted doing wrong many times. I also doubt myself when it comes to other people. I blame myself for their mistakes. I take things personally and many times they have nothing to do with me. But in my mind, I blame myself. I also doubt "knowing best". I often ask for an advice as if I did not trust myself and my own decisions. 

Maybe I should apologize to him.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I liked his attention, his compliments, his gentle kisses. I thought I was in love with him, I cared. I never asked for any gifts, while I made him some. I just don't understand... How did I use him? I just don't know and I want to know in order to become a better person.


I don’t think that he’s a victim that you used. He knew exactly what was going on.

I think that both of you used each other. Maybe for different reasons. You used him to get something in your life that you were not getting in your marriage.

You were not a victim. While you write about it as though he pursed you but it was innocent enough on your part… like he seduced you. Well you seduced him as well. You did not by continuing contact with him, by meeting him.

There were hundreds, if not thousands, of points in your developing relationship with him that you knew what you were doing was wrong. Points when you could have (should have) said, this is wrong I’m done and out of here.

He is not a victim. And you are not one either.[/QUOTE]

You are right. He is not a victim, neither am I.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> What if I used him and don't see it? How can I see it in order to fix it? What if it is not him who is narcissistic, what if that's me? I am so confused. I feel like I become some kind of monster and did not even know about it...


You don't need spend a lot to time worrying about it AG. I can assure you he most likely don't care if you used him. I've been used a number of times by gals and the worst its every been was wonderful.  If the guys you're messing with are that fragile, you need to hang out with a different crowd.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you married or divorced now ? 

Hope you are getting the therapy you need.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

In reality, the way your A developed is much the same way it would have developed if you weren't married; with one exception. To both of you it was exciting - due to the forbidden fruit aspect.

I don't recall if this OM was married. If so, you used each other. If not, he used you more. But I'm sure you realize it really doesn't matter.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Are you asking for permission to recontact him? You had an affair with him.

How is contacting him to apologize wise?

Are you trying to restart the relationship?

Are you now divorced from your husband, if not recontacting him is WRONG.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Maybe I should apologize to him.


This is something I keep reading over and over.

Married women have affairs with men. Men who know from day 1 the female is married.

And for some ridiculous reason these women think they OWE the OM an apology.

Give me a break.

He's not a victim. He's an intruder.

He knew full well he was intruding into a marriage. He didn't care that he was intruding into a marriage. He was warned he was getting involved with something that would have consequences.

That is NOT someone you APOLOGIZE to.

What you are experiencing is some f'd up sense of guilt that is seriously misplaced.

If you want to apologize, apologize to your husband and your family. You do not need to apologize to the man who conspired with you to urinate on a marriage in secret.

He does not need an apology, he needs his legs broken.

If you two go rob a bank and YOU end up in jail while he runs off to Mexico, you dont use your last phone call to contact OM in Mexico to apologize do you?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

The victims are the ones who have to deal with the consequences.

The perpetrators are the ones who get away with no consequences.

How on earth is a single man who intrudes into a marriage a victim here?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The way I see it, both of you are adults and knew the rules of angagement. Both of you used each other..that's why this cheating crap never works out!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Maybe I should apologize to him.


No, never. He is as guilty of doing wrong as you are.

This is sounds like an excuse to have contact with him.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I did not feel this miserable in a long time. Someone told me today, that I was not used by other man, but it was other way around and the more I thought about it, the more miserable I became. I am starting to think that maybe I do things I don't even know about. What if I used him and don't see it? How can I see it in order to fix it? What if it is not him who is narcissistic, what if that's me? I am so confused. I feel like I become some kind of monster and did not even know about it...
> I already faced people on this forum about subject of my cheating and I understand I deserved those harsh comments. But I never thought of me as someone who used the other man until now. How did I do that?
> When OM and I started to talk online, I told him first day that I was married. When he mentioned meeting me - I said I can't. He was first one talking about kissing me while I said I can't do that neither. He sent me his pictures on his own, I did not ask for them. He started sweet talking, complimenting me - I did not fish for it. I was not there to seduce him before he started anything. When we met, he was in hurry to be physical and pushed for it. My mistake was I let it happened. I met him, I stayed and there is no one else to blame, but me.
> I liked his attention, his compliments, his gentle kisses. I thought I was in love with him, I cared. I never asked for any gifts, while I made him some. I just don't understand... How did I use him? I just don't know and I want to know in order to become a better person. What is wrong with me?


 OK. maybe you didn't ask for any of the "come on's", gifts, attention, compliments or anything else but you didn't refuse them either. Six of one. Half dozen of the other.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Did I use *my other man?* If so, how?

My other man? Are you claiming you still love him?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Your Other Man used you for sexual gratification while you used the Other Man for emotional validation while your husband used you for procreation while you used your husband for financial / social stability while your Other Man used your husband for male ego magnification while… …

Good thing that everything about infidelity is so sharply defined and easy to comprehend.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Are you married or divorced now ?
> 
> Hope you are getting the therapy you need.


I am still married and getting therapy as well.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Are you asking for permission to recontact him? You had an affair with him.
> *I am not asking for permission to contacting him. He contacted me and it made me think that maybe I was very unfair to him. When I asked him why he disappeared, he said he was confused and did not know what I wanted. He said I did not want sex nor dating. It felt as if it all was just may fault.*
> How is contacting him to apologize wise?
> *I felt that maybe he thinks I used him and if that's the case I am sorry about that. I wanted to see him even though I was married. But I rhad feelings for him and I did not play games.*
> ...


No. Trying to figure out my marriage.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> No. Trying to figure out my marriage.


By concerning yourself with whether or not you used the OM?

How about forget the OM and focus on your husband?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No, under no circumstances do you contact him. You promised your husband no contact.

Get this through your head.... 

Your OM deserves no apology. He deserves nothing. He is an opportunistic weasel who slept with another man's wife and is probably sleeping with many other married now. 

Why does he deserve more? You gave him your body, your time, your resources and your heart... things you pledged to your husband when you married him. 

During the time you were having your affair, you stole those things from your husband's life and gave them to another man. 

Your husband is the only one who desrves your apologies and your remorse. 

It is obvious you still have feelings for the OM. If you cannot break the bond, then you need to tell your husband and see if he is willing to wait around for you to make a final decision.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> It is obvious you still have feelings for the OM. If you cannot break the bond, then you need to tell your husband and see if he is willing to wait around for you to make a final decision.


Bandit you nailed it. If you even think again about contacting the OM, do your husband a real solid and file for divorce first. Your husband no matter what he has done or has not done does not deserve your crap.

Yes you used the guy to get what you perceived you did not get from your husband, he used use as a sperm depository. Focus on making your husband whole again. That is your job.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Fog......


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Fog......


Yeah, but let's remember... in her case her husband was kicking the sh!t out of her weekly too.

What I see here is a woman so beaten down that she really doesn't think she can make it on her own. The OM was her last ticket to freedom from a violent ****wad husband. That may be why the bond is so strong on her end....it is fueld by desperation. 

Bottom line.. she needs to get away from both men and stand on her own feet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You feel guilty about your OM. Yes. I felt guilty about my OW.

Even though her own daughter revealed to my wife and I some time later that her mother had worked really hard to get me to become the father of her and her brother.

Just ignore the guilt. It's for the best. Don't apologise to him.


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