# How do you end a reoccurring argument?



## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Does anyone else have that never-ending, reoccurring argument that you just cannot seem to settle?

We have a good marriage in all ways possible, but about once a month (though it seems more frequent lately), we have an argument about whether or not i do enough. I think I do way more than my fair share, she does not.

Here's a good example of how it goes: Saturday evening, 10:00pm at night, kids in bed.



> *Wife (talking to me):* "Can you help me clean up the stuff from making these easter baskets, or...do something...anything?"
> 
> *Me:* "It looked like you had it handled - I didn't think you needed any help."
> 
> ...


So eventually we get tired of arguing after a day or so, and we agree to move past it and enjoy life. And we do, until it happens again. I don't feel like this is a marriage killing argument or anything, but like some sort of bad rash that ignoring just doesn't work for anymore. 

Anyone had a similar argument and have any methods of fixing the problem??


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Ah, yes. My husband and I argue all the time about time out with friends. He only goes now about once a week, but it used to be a lot more. His arguments were good, mine were good, and we would always, always end up at stalemate. We have had the same argument for 10 years.

Compromise somehow, or one of you lets it go. When you both feel strongly about something, you can't change the others mind. She sees something one way, you see it the other. Round and round you go.

Seriously, it's just annoying. Because they don't get what you see or what you're saying, and vice versa. Like I said, stalemate.

The only solution is when you both feel like you're being actually heard and figure out some meet in the middle compromise where you both feel like you're getting something out of it.

In your example - that happens a lot. We've had that argument. Lol. Sometimes partners see things differently. Just say 'hon, I'm going to sit down now, is there anything else you need me to do?'. If you just sit down, and we're tired too, whatever you've done that day goes out the window. Because we're still going, and you're not. Don't let it become an argument. Shut it down so it doesn't go on for days.


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

I have tried "the list", and she has said "I shouldn't have to make a list - this stuff is common sense". I am not sure this will help, but I will try it so that I don't have to hear the 80/20 argument at least.

If anything, I just want her to change her attitude - I can't help getting defensive when she asks for help while simultaneously implying how she is annoyed that I don't help enough! It's not like she simply said "Can you help me?", she added "something...anything" to it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good advice here. Sit her down, look her directly in the eye, hold her hands, and say that you understand how stressed she is about chores. You want to have a happy marriage; that is more important than a sparkling clean house. 

She doesn't want to make a list of chores because she would rather complain about how little you do. Don't let her get away with this. Your tone is very important here. Be matter of fact; do not let her get defensive. Keep emphasizing that your marital happiness is more important than an endless stream of chores.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you hire a housekeeping service to come in once in a while? 

Do you believe this is really about household chores? Could there be other resentment she is feeling toward you instead, but she feels "safer" *****ing about housework instead of the underlying issue?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

norajane said:


> Can you hire a housekeeping service to come in once in a while?
> 
> Do you believe this is really about household chores? Could there be other resentment she is feeling toward you instead, but she feels "safer" *****ing about housework instead of the underlying issue?


Sometimes it really is just about the housework


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Yup, this is about the housework.

There is the underlying issue that she is the corporate worker who wants to relax when she gets home, while I'm the guy that gets to work from home a lot, but, since I concurrently watch kids and do chores throughout the day, I want a break from that at the end of the day. Its different than two people getting home at the same and tackling chores at the same time.

But honestly, I don't mind helping if I can just get credit for what I do, and not be asked in a way like I don't ever do anything.


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

She doesn't see all the messes from food and toys that I have to clean from these kids throughout the day. She just looks and sees the bathroom dirty and says why don't I ever clean that.

Ugh. I think I'll go with the whiteboard idea. If we can have "designated cleaning times" then we will both have a time to do both things and we can each say we are putting in our 50%.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think sometimes people just want someone else to acknowledge that they see someone could use some help or that something needs to be done without having to be asked. Nothing more nothing less.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

One way to end or at least alter the argument is for you to stop doing whatever you're doing for a few days. Maybe then she'll notice what you do.

A few dirty days never killed anyone you know?!


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## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

Received some VERY good advice from a VERY wise man...........drop your weapon! Keep doing what you can do to help and it will cease. Speaking from experience, I did this very thing this last Friday afternoon...........IT WORKS!!


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Give you an example on another level we assume that a person standing in front of you and do not know what to decide for him he is right but its analysis does not change anything but if you do not know certainly how you can tell alone means that every person can consider himself but only those who considered without approval is not himself but man as him without a specific person


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