# Looking for Input



## Hub3302

I’ve been married for 4 years and together for 12. The sex has steadily declined in frequency in the last 3 years. One year ago we had our first child since then my wife’s desire is almost zero. I’ve read some posts on here and she is willing to have sex but never wants it. Sex for her is me finishing it as fast as I can. Anytime I try to please her she is not interested and has only had one orgasam since we have been together. I often mention things to spice it up and her usual response of maybe someday but not today. We never had these problems when we were younger. I’m 35 and she is 33 btw. To put it into perspective a good week would be once im going to say 3 times a month and that’s probably high.


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## uhtred

Is she on any medication, especially anti-depressants? It sounds like her interest was declining before she had a child, were there any other changes in your life? Was she enthusiastic about sex early in the marriage?


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## Hub3302

She was on birth control and recently stopped as she feels it was causing her to be angry more often than she would normally be. Other than that none.


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## notmyjamie

Hub3302 said:


> She was on birth control and recently stopped as she feels it was causing her to be angry more often than she would normally be. Other than that none.


Was it birth control pills? They can cause a decrease in libido. As her body resets its hormones things might improve. How long ago did she stop using them?


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## uhtred

How long ago did she stop? Is it possible that was causing reduced libido? Still presumably that was more recent and it sounds like her libido was declining earlier. 

Are you able to talk to her about it? It sounds like she doesn't want you to take time to give her an O. Is there anything sexual that she does want? Is she able to O by herself? 

Some people are naturally low libido / asexual, and that seems unchangeable. Is there anything to indicate one way or the other whether she has always felt that way and was just having sex for you? The lack of O's suggests that. 


If possible communication is the most important first step. 




Hub3302 said:


> She was on birth control and recently stopped as she feels it was causing her to be angry more often than she would normally be. Other than that none.


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## Hub3302

She does not self pleasure. I bought many toys hoping that would ignite that and she should enjoy it and it would increase her desire. I didn’t believe her about not masturbating until we lived together. She has been on birth control on and off since I’ve known her. She knows I regularly do it. I think I need to have a deeper discussion with her and maybe some counseling because it feels like she may be dissatisfied with me and not wanting to tell me.


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## notmyjamie

Hub3302 said:


> I think I need to have a deeper discussion with her and maybe some counseling because it feels like she may be dissatisfied with me and not wanting to tell me.


It is a sad fact that many women do not feel comfortable telling their partner what they need in order to be satisfied. Even some simple like "use a lighter touch" is too much for these women to say. But, that's not fair to the man...everyone is different how is he to know what you like or don't? If you don't tell him what you need that's on you, not him. 

But, I'd say some open communication with her might help. Explain that you need to know what she likes and wants and that it won't hurt your feelings or your ego to be told these things. Just based on conversations with my female friends, I think a lot of women worry about 2 things the most: She'll hurt his pride or he'll think she's a **** for knowing these things about herself. She needs to know you think it's ok for her to express her desires and that it would excite you to hear them.

It's highly possible your wife does self pleasure but makes sure you're never around to know about it. Don't ask her if she does, just make a deal... "if you do, please stop, come to me, and then TELL ME what you want or need me to do differently." Hell, if it's too embarrassing for her, have her write it down so you can read it when she's not there. That would be a good first step.


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## curious2

She never had an orgasm with you in the 12 years you’ve been together or just not since the decline?


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## Hub3302

She claims one time using a wand. She claims clitoral stimulation gets too intense for her and she has a sensation like she has to pee. This is where I wished she self pleasured because I don’t think she knows how to make herself get off so she can’t direct someone else.


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## BluesPower

In your original post, you said that she has ONLY HAD ONE O with you ever, or is that lately? 

There are some big problems here, you need to get real to figure them out or you life will be miserable...


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## Marduk

Ask her if she’s happy with her sex life the way it is.

If the answer to that question is yes, you’re pushing on a rope. People only change when they have reason to change it.


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## Hub3302

One ever full body O ever. I try to get her to let me attempt to give her more but she isn’t interested. It makes no sense to me. She has no complaints but I think it’s strange that she doesn’t want one. I never really noticed how different we were in our openness until lately. I guess I want her to have O’s because in my mind I think it might make her libido increase idk. Sounds like I need to have a in depth discussion with her


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## Marduk

Hub3302 said:


> One ever full body O ever.


What does that mean?

Why do you want her to to have orgasms more than she wants them for herself?


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## Hub3302

That’s how she described it to me. I thought If she had them more regularly then she would be wanting to have sex more often.


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## jlg07

Since she is so reluctant, could something bad have happened to her in the past (CSA, rape, etc.?) that she has never discussed? I hate to even think that, but...

Also this: "I never really noticed how different we were in our openness until lately." THIS needs to be worked on ASAP for your marriage.


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## Marduk

Hub3302 said:


> That’s how she described it to me. I thought If she had them more regularly then she would be wanting to have sex more often.


So you’re covertly trying to convince her to have more orgasms to benefit yourself.

That isn’t exactly on the up-and-up, man.

If you want more sex, just say so. Include the kind of sex you want, when you want to have it, and how often you want to have it. That’s you focusing on your desires.

If that inspires her to pursue her own desires, then so be it. But don’t try to play games with her by pretending to want something that benefits her, when you’re really just trying to benefit yourself. That’s icky.


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## Hub3302

Thanks for all your input looks like we have some things to figure out


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## ladybird

Maybe she just doesn't have a high sex drive or one at all

How long did you "date" before marriage? 

Why wasn't this an issue before you tied the knot?


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## ladybird

Marduk said:


> So you’re covertly trying to convince her to have more orgasms to benefit yourself.
> 
> That isn’t exactly on the up-and-up, man.
> 
> If you want more sex, just say so. Include the kind of sex you want, when you want to have it, and how often you want to have it. That’s you focusing on your desires.
> 
> If that inspires her to pursue her own desires, then so be it. But don’t try to play games with her by pretending to want something that benefits her, when you’re really just trying to benefit yourself. That’s icky.



I completely agree.


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## MattMatt

Hub3302 said:


> I’ve been married for 4 years and together for 12. The sex has steadily declined in frequency in the last 3 years. One year ago we had our first child since then my wife’s desire is almost zero. I’ve read some posts on here and she is willing to have sex but never wants it. Sex for her is me finishing it as fast as I can. Anytime I try to please her she is not interested and has only had one orgasam since we have been together. I often mention things to spice it up and her usual response of maybe someday but not today. We never had these problems when we were younger. I’m 35 and she is 33 btw. To put it into perspective a good week would be once im going to say 3 times a month and that’s probably high.


I think counselling, individual, plus as a couple, might be of benefit.


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