# Here it is....



## suchasucker (Sep 10, 2013)

This will probably be a long post. Its not so much looking for advice, Im looking to vent and share my experience, because its really messed up LOL.

So my wife and I got together pretty young. We where off again and on again dating for about 5 years. Every "off" again was not my choice, she would get restless and want a break. Anyways, we finally get back together, and she convinces me Im all she wants. So we get married. Her 18, me 21. And we have our first child shortly after. Then she cheats on me, multiple times with multiple people. I find out, we fight, Im young and stupid, so I fall for the whole "I love you, but you just are not attentive enough to my needs". So I feel guilty, felt like it was all my fault she did this too me. So we move to another state. Everything is good for a number of years, we have another child. Then she cheats again, with a friend of the family. So instead of taking the blame this time, I get even. I slept with multiple women from work and friends. But of course this didnt help anything, but we end up working through it and staying together.

Everything was going good again for a while, and she goes to visit her mom like she does most summers while I work. Then calls me up, saying she wants a divorce. She found the man she wants to be with, and its not me. Surprise huh? So Ive had it at this point. We file for divorce, and I work on me. I find someone Im interested in, start dating, moving on. Then she dumps her "true love" because its not what she had expected. And we patch things up....again....

Now fast forward to present. I find out she has been cheating on me with an on again/off again affair with what was her "Best friend" who is also married by the way. I have been the most attentive husband, father and provider since the first incident. Ive made it a point. She came clean to me, becuase the guilt was eatting her up. But still wont take 100% responsibility for this one. She still sites times, days I made her feel lonley, and thats why it happen. I know thats BS. I know its not my fault, I realise it never was. She wont go to councling because shes afraid of what they will say to her (her words). She wants to just forget it and move on like we have in the past. But honestly I cannot seem to forgive this one. I look at all the past mistakes, and can almost justify them to an extent... I know it sounds stupid, but I can. This one, I cannot find anything I did wrong at all!

Im at a loss. I cant seem to move forward, and find myself hateing her, and myself. She continues to talk to male friends (Not the one she had an affair with, him and his wife are gone, moved away). But Im upset because she continues to have these male friends she talks too during the day. I wonder who the next one is she will cheat on me with. Instead of being happy she has friends.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

So, how many times now? how many OM's and over how many years?

rug sweeping is not going to work. She will surely do it again, it may take a couple of years but it is going to happen again especially if she does not get counseling.

get out now so you can start with someone new.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Hold tight, help will be here soon.


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## suchasucker (Sep 10, 2013)

I dont dare count. Since we have been married probably 7 or 8. We have been married for 19 years. She doesnt work, and has never had too. In the past I have always done a lot for her, from taking care of the house, to making meals, ect. Now Im backing off of all that, and she is having a tough time dealing with the reality of what this last affair caused.

In my heart, I know its over. I was hopeing she would be showing me something that would change my mind. But shes now mad, because I get upset when she talks to her male friends


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get into counselling for yourself. At this point, the problem isn't your wife. Your problem is your willingness to accept the crap she's dishing out. 

C


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You do not seem to have any boundaries in this marriage. She should have stop having male friends 18 years ago.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google serial cheater. She won't stop cheating because she can't. She is hardwired to chase other men. Serial cheaters that stop are almost as rare as hens teeth.

Move on, heal and find a real woman.

Good luck


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## suchasucker (Sep 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> Get into counselling for yourself. At this point, the problem isn't your wife. Your problem is your willingness to accept the crap she's dishing out.
> 
> C


I do agree with this 100%. Ive been trying to find one that meets my budget. I really do think I need it, Ive got all this crap built up now and no outlet to get rid of it. Ive started a daily diary just to keep track of how Im feeling, and what my true thoughts are of the moment.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

When and if you decide to move on, you should establish strong boundaries from the beginning. Your marriage had none. Do not repeat the same mistakes. 

Be kind to yourself and be kind to your wife as well, you both created a mess of a marriage. I feel so sorry for you both.

Get yourself some counseling. Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I believe it's possible that a one time cheater can change. I say "possible" because at best, there's probably a 60-70 percent chance they'll cheat again.

But a serial cheater? Forget it. Once they reach that category, you're just fooling yourself.

Your wife is a serial cheater. She will cheat again. If that's how you want to live your life, that's your call. I couldn't do it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

suchasucker said:


> I dont dare count. Since we have been married probably 7 or 8.
> 
> But shes now mad, because I get upset when she talks to her male friends


How could a wife that's cheated on you 7 or 8 times, have the audacity to get mad about that? Because she knows that you're still with her after she cheated 7 or 8 times.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Time to cut bait, sir.

Move on and work on a stable relationship. This here is nothing but toxic.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

suchasucker said:


> ... She wants to just forget it and move on like we have in the past. But honestly I cannot seem to forgive this one. *I look at all the past mistakes, and can almost justify them to an extent*...* I know it sounds stupid*, but I can. *This one, I cannot find anything I did wrong at all!*
> 
> Im at a loss. I cant seem to move forward, ....


Re-read that.

That's YOUR problem. Every time this happened, you worked it out in your mind that she was justified in some way for the ultimate betrayal - another affair.

You have to look back and realize that NONE of her affair were justified, and YOU didn't cause any of them.

That was how you used to rug-sweep them. You would accept responsibility for her, just like you accept every other responsibility for her (hence, she never works, you provide everything in life for her). 

This time, you're having a much harder time rug-sweeping...there probably isn't any room left under the rug, and all her past affairs are spilling out the sides. 

180, file and start to move on with your life. Accept no blame and realize it was a mistake to rugsweep all of her past affairs.

Learn from this period in your life and never let it happen again.


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## suchasucker (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies. Your all saying exactly what Ive been telling myself for years. I know its really the best course of action. 

I posted mostly to share my story, get it out there. I hope someone else in my situation can read it, and relate. Maybe help them a bit. I feel stupid as hell for putting up with it this long, I really do. I just want to understand where she is coming from, but I just cant. Cheating is never ok, Ive done it as revenge... It wasnt ok, I knew it when I started, and I knew it when it was done. It made me feel no better, just took me down to a level I never knew I could crawl too.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

suchasucker said:


> ... I feel stupid as hell for putting up with it this long, I really do.....


Dude, many of us have felt that way. Believe me, I look back at my marriage and think WTF was I thinking...hindsight is always 20/20.

Still, if the lessons are learned, that's what will carry you in the future. You move on, 180 hard, and become everything YOU ever wanted to be. 

Good luck, bro.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Hold tight, help will be here soon.


I think the OP is beyond help and I think he knows it. His user name gives him away.

All that's left is to turn out the lights, pull the plug and stick a fork in it.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

This is maximum serial. Any time anything is wrong, even if you don't know about it, she'll be with another man, and it will be your fault. 

She doesn't want counseling because she might not like what she hears? No way she will ever change. 

DNA the kids.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Right now you are trapped in Limbo and looking for a way to stay yet your feelings are pushing towards deserving better for yourself. You are not wrong to feel this way. Take some time and think about what you want to do, need to do and the kind of wife you want her to be or want in general. When you figure it out come back and we'll have a plan and course of action for you to follow. 

But be warned, you will receive endless amounts of advice and suggestions that you will not be prepared to do, or willing for that matter. Right now you are also going thru emotional withdrawal and need time to recuperate and regroup. For now, be watchful, gather evidence, even if it is old. Eat, sleep and make sure to take care of the very basic needs you must attain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The only thing you did wrong was to marry a serial cheater.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Dude. Clearly, everything you've been taught about women is wrong. You've been indoctrinated to be a doormat. 

Read and memorize no More Mr Nice Guy. Married Man Sex Life Primer. 

Dump the skank.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

suchasucker said:


> This will probably be a long post. Its not so much looking for advice, Im looking to vent and share my experience, because its really messed up LOL.
> 
> So my wife and I got together pretty young. We where off again and on again dating for about 5 years. Every "off" again was not my choice, she would get restless and want a break. Anyways, we finally get back together, and she convinces me Im all she wants. So we get married. Her 18, me 21. And we have our first child shortly after. Then she cheats on me, multiple times with multiple people. I find out, we fight, Im young and stupid, so I fall for the whole "I love you, but you just are not attentive enough to my needs". So I feel guilty, felt like it was all my fault she did this too me. So we move to another state. Everything is good for a number of years, we have another child. Then she cheats again, with a friend of the family. So instead of taking the blame this time, I get even. I slept with multiple women from work and friends. But of course this didnt help anything, but we end up working through it and staying together.
> 
> ...


1. DNA your kids.
2. Expose to OM's wife.
3. File for divorce.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

This is the perfect example of what a serial cheater is capable of


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

suchasucker said:


> I feel stupid as hell for putting up with it this long, I really do.


You're not gonna get much argument out of me. This week you're the winner of the dubious JA poster. Feel free to use it as your avatar. 










If you want to understand where she's coming from, I'll explain it. She's been having a little on the side and returning to old reliable (you, my man) who pays the bills,, and tacitly going along to get along. You taught her that she can have as many lovers as she wants knowing you'll come running back and eating out of her while she lines up the next studs to bang. 
Why should she change when she has you to underwrite her lifestyle? Face it Dawg, its not a bad gig for her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"It was" a good gig.......

She is phucked now...and rightfully so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady has an issue and if she doesn't address it she will die alone, only to be found dead by the mailman in a trailer full of cats and catboo.

Her looks will only carry her so far. If she wants to be emotionaly healthy she will get help. She is about to lose everything and yet is affraid to get help for herself.

The point is you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.


I suggest you start a hard 180, it will help you put up a wall so you can emotionally distance your self from her.

And go get checked for STD's!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you been indoctrinated to hate yourself?

Gus beat me to it. Are your kids yours? Your wife has had a lot of genetic material swimming in that swamp she calls a vagina.

Are you disease free?

This woman is pure garbage. Please start liking yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Next girl, don't put her up on a pedestal. Alpha up a bit. This is natures way of telling what will happen if you do this again.

NNMNG, MMSLP

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Man up. This is all on her, but you need to learn a little something yourself. Stick around TAM. Absorb it. Learn. Read.


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## SimplyCrushed (Nov 21, 2014)

richie33 said:


> You do not seem to have any boundaries in this marriage. She should have stop having male friends 18 years ago.


So every male friend is a threat? WOW Let's take it further, all women should be covered up and only work with other women. No male's around EVER. Same goes for men... can't even go to a mixed restaurant with another couple. 

OP admits to sleeping around also, and at work.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SimplyCrushed said:


> So every male friend is a threat? WOW Let's take it further, all women should be covered up and only work with other women. No male's around EVER. Same goes for men... can't even go to a mixed restaurant with another couple.


For THIS marriage/THIS WW? Yeah, probably.

F*cked up, isn't it?



SimplyCrushed said:


> OP admits to sleeping around also, and at work.


I must have missed that. So many threads look the same after a while, at least on the surface.

Oh well, my advice is the same regardless.

ETA: Re-read OP's initial post. I remember now. This woman is broken (or, at the very least, not marriage material), and if OP were a bit more mature, he'd have kicked her to the curb long ago.

Again, same advice.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

SimplyCrushed said:


> So every male friend is a threat? WOW Let's take it further, all women should be covered up and only work with other women. No male's around EVER. Same goes for men... can't even go to a mixed restaurant with another couple.
> 
> OP admits to sleeping around also, and at work.


In this case...yes. Did you not read she cheated multiple times with multiple men? Go use the sexist card somewhere else.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm sick to the gills of the never ending refrain:

"my wife cheated"
"needed more attention"
"more compliments"
"he was charming"
"then, realized he was a jerk"

This is why we have marriage. A couple promises to love, protect, and be faithful to each other. Uphold your promise, things are OK.

Sadly, this BS world convinces the simple minded that they deserve more.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

First things first. Divorce her.

She will never believe that you hold her accountable until you do that.

After divorce you can always date her and when she cheats again you can unfriend her on Facebook.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do hope that you:
1. Contact any of the OM's wife's or girlfriends and expose the OM to them.
2. Get Tested for STD's.
3. Get paternity tested for your children.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

Does she have stds? did she use protection?

I agree with the advice you have received.

Time to D and move on. Take her to the OM's house, change the locks, go NC and move on.

Let her be someone else's problem. Tell the OM thanks for taking your problem.

Hope you stay sane and can find peace some day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

suchasucker said:


> Now fast forward to present. I find out she has been cheating on me with an on again/off again affair with what was her "Best friend" who is also married by the way.* I have been the most attentive husband, father and provider* since the first incident. Ive made it a point. She came clean to me, becuase the guilt was eatting her up. But still wont take 100% responsibility for this one.


No, you've been the biggest doormat.

Guess what? Women hate doormats. Women (some women) cheat on doormats. 

Seriously? She cheats on you HOW MANY times, and now you're wondering why she's cheating AGAIN?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

richie33 said:


> In this case...yes. Did you not read she cheated multiple times with multiple men? *Go use the sexist card somewhere else.*


For reals.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Two choices. Continue on as you have been or cut her loose and find a decent woman to continue on in life with. She will continue in her behavior, that is certain. Good luck.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Is it so bad too tell her that you are cutting it off because you want someone that NEVER did this too you?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

bryanp said:


> I do hope that you:
> 1. Contact any of the OM's wife's or girlfriends and expose the OM to them.
> 2. Get Tested for STD's.
> 3. Get paternity tested for your children.


4. If you don't have respect for yourself than who will?


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