# Hurt Wife



## marriedtotrouble (Feb 8, 2015)

Hello. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and we have been together for 5 years. I have known him since I was 13 and I am now 29. We just welcomed our 2nd child in November of last year and our oldest just celebrated her 2nd birthday. My husband and my mom does not get along. They were really cool but I got pregnant before we were married so my mom kirked out on him. (Keep in mind I was 26 college graduate when I got pregnant)
My mother blamed him wrongfully for it happening and she began treating him really mean. She told him that she doesn't and will never like him and to never hug her again not even at church. We have had to live with her twice not only for our benefit but hers as well. Well they didn't and still don't get along. We have had numerous counseling sessions and meditations between us but things haven't changed. My husband constantly complains to me about my mom. Everything she does irritates him. Some things are petty and some are warranted but I have gotten to the point where I'm tired of it and tired of hearing about it. It's stressful when you have your mother and your spouse at odds, especially when you're close to your parent. (I'm the only girl and my mom had been single parent since I was 2 and I'm the baby). 
I have expressed to my husband that his complaints are affecting me. One night after a big argument between us that starting from me fixing my mom food and not him, he gets a text after midnight that said good night from a number saved as My Therapist. I try to wake him to ask who it was but he wouldn't get up so I call the number and get a female's voicemail. Apparently my husband meets some woman off instagram and has vented to her about the situation with my mom because it effects me so much when he complains to me. He was very apologetic and I know he didn't physically cheat nor does he want to he says he just can't hold it in and he doesn't want to talk to anyone close to us to be in our business. He said he deleted the contact and told her he couldn't chat with her anymore. Since then I've been paranoid so I went through his phone and saw her number in his contacts saved with no name. I'm hurt and upset but I can't confront him because I would have to admit sneaking into his phone. Should I be concerned or should it be ok because he needs to vent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.

He's kept her number after telling you that he deleted it. It sounds like your husband is cheating. People who cheat lie to cover up their cheating.

You will need to so come snooping to find out what's really going on.

Get her number and find out who she is, her address, etc. Do not call her at this point to talk to her. But it's important that you find out as much as you can about her. Like is she married. Once you know her name, you might be able to find her in instgram.

Does she live in your area? You can get some idea from the area code of her phone number.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he needs to work through his issues, get help from a real therapist. Likely he is cheating. Sounds like it is an emotional affair, and your an emotional void to him where he is not free to express himself, granted, he can communicate better than complaining.

Lets look at the facts. Is this marriage going to even last much longer, given the current trajectory? There is a high probability that given the issue between your mother and him, he is likely to leave someday, or you will leave him someday, and the resentment will destroy your love for him and him for you. So, is the marriage worth saving. Your mother despises him, and in turn, he will not be able to get along with her. Your mother is clearly important to you, but she is a wedge for your marriage, and she probably has no issue with you divorcing him. Already, you do not want to deal with it, and you don't have the strength to support your husband, and he cannot ignore your mother for you, is this marriage worth continuing?

These are some of the things you have to figure out before you expend the energy to break a possible affair, which the signs show it as a high probability. Your bond with your husband is on the verge of breaking, and his resentment, your resentment , your mother's resentment, will shatter your family unit very soon. If you were honest with yourself, you do not love your husband as much as a partner should, and he probably does not love you that much either. Love is not unlimited, and love needs constant work to maintain. So, even if you break this likely affair, as your marriage is constituted, it will not last much longer anyways. You cannot meet his needs, and he cannot meet yours, and the only person who would be happy with the divorce is your mother if you were honest with yourself. If you cannot be what each other needs, then you should let him go. If you want him to stay, your marriage should take priority over your relationship with your mother, because she is an anathema to your union. After this, you both will need to learn to communicate, work on the resentment, you will probably need help with his betrayal, and so on. If you want him back, the hard work is waiting on the other side.


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## marriedtotrouble (Feb 8, 2015)

My husband and I love each other. I know he has not physically cheated on me but I agree it was a mental infidelity. But I'm afraid that he will continue to talk to her. I know that my mother is causing a wedge but I will resent her more if she causes us to divorce.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like your mother instigated the friction, and you are not siding with your husband to fix the situation. You married your husband, not your mother. Support him, and tell her to shape up or get out of your lives.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

marriedtotrouble said:


> My husband and I love each other. I know he has not physically cheated on me but I agree it was a mental infidelity. But I'm afraid that he will continue to talk to her. I know that my mother is causing a wedge but I will resent her more if she causes us to divorce.



What you need is a relationship coach. A relationship coach will help teach you both how to communicate, resolve conflict, listen, and build intimacy. The reason why I know your bond is fraying, your less willing to listen to one another. The stronger the bond, the more willing a couple will listen and compromise.

You have to gather evidence and find out if your husband is emotionally cheating on you or not. His female partner is another wedge, working against the marriage.

What you can do on your own end is become strong. Listen to him, and show that you care to listen. Actions speak louder than words. When your mom is attacking him, you need to support your husband. If you do not have his back as a trusted partner, who does? It doesn't mean you put up with his bullsh1t either. If he does something that harms the relationship, you level consequences. You both have to be understanding and yet strong, because you are your own advocate in your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mother is in the middle of your marriage. You need to make a choice (and now) because if things continue the way they are then your husband's EA could become a PA (assuming it isn't already).


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your mother is a problem in your marriage. You must choose between the two. Your mother made it this way. Have a serious talk with your mother that you got pregnant because you and your now husband engaged in sex. You and your child were not conceived through a "Virgin Mary" scenario. You must make it clear to her that she will lose you in her life if she continues her attitude towards your husband.

When I was a new bride, my mother-in-law made it a point to make my life miserable. My husband looked away as he was the only boy and the youngest in the family. I had a serious talk with him as I was ready to leave my marriage. My husband made a choice and had a serious talk with his mother. My spoilt mother-in-law ran to his father and father and son had an altercation for the first and only time. Mind you, my husband and I are highly educated people and violence is not our lot. We broke off contact with them for many years. They initiated reconciliation later on and were respectful in their engagement with me. This was 35 years ago and nearly wrecked my marriage.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

marriedtotrouble said:


> He said he deleted the contact and told her he couldn't chat with her anymore. Since then I've been paranoid so I went through his phone *and saw her number in his contacts saved with no name*. I'm hurt and upset but I can't confront him because I would have to admit sneaking into his phone. Should I be concerned or should it be ok because he needs to vent?


Unfortunately, I have to say that he isn't serious about his commitment and promise to you. I say this as the adulterer myself. When my wife found out about my EAs, I removed the women from my FB friends list, blocked one of them because she was "looking" after I began NC, deleted the numbers from my phone. Why? Because I am serious, and committed to regaining the trust and intimacy that I so selfishly destroyed between my wife and I.

So, yes...you should be concerned. Best of luck to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your mother isn't the problem here OP. YOU are the problem. You haven't got any boundaries in place and let your mother get too involved in your marriage. YOU are the only one who can fix this.

Stop talking to her about your marital problems - she isn't a friend of your marriage, she doesn't have your family's best interest at heart.

The way your husband has handled this is very poor. No doubt about it and no excuse for it but what's done is done.

You and your husband need to sit down together, and before you do anything else decide whether or not you're going to save your marriage. If the answer is yes then you both decide on boundaries - he needs to stop ALL contact with this woman, and you need to change the way you interact with your mother.

Your husband and child should be your number 1 priorities. Your mother comes after them. If your mother won't respect your husband, family and marriage then you need to heavily reduce your contact with her.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING? "We have had to live with her twice not only for our benefit but hers as well. Well they didn't and still don't get along." You two move into her house to HELP HER !!! and he still has to deal with her crap. And when he complains, you say it stresses you out and he should be quiet. This dog has been neutered but good. 

I agree he shouldn't call another woman, he should start acting like a man and stop taking your mother's garbage. This poor guy has been manipulated and pushed so hard by two woman, he's thinking it's his fault. 

Mind you I am a nice guy. I had my disabled mother-in-law in my home for 4 and 1/2 years because she needed help and it was the right thing to do. (So I have been there done that) I don't think we had a cross word in that time, and my wife was surprised how I was able to deal with it. But she never treated me like your mother did. And when another family member made a wry comment about something in the house, I explained that mom could be at her house the next day and she shut her mouth fairly quickly. You need to start standing up for your husband or he will go elsewhere because he apparently has no friends in this house.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I agree with you that the husband should not have a relationship with another woman, but who is to blame here? Seriously? It is you and your mother. Loving your mother does not mean that she cannot be happy for you. So what? Yes you were pregnant before you were married but you are a grown girl.If you are not complaining about your marriage why your mother thinks she has to control your marriage? I feel sorry for your husband because your mother is keeping pushing him away from you. You are the person he should come to, to vent, but he cannot because it is about your mother, and you are taking her side (because you do not say anything to her). So what happened? your husband is looking for another person who can listen to him. If you want to keep him, tell your mother to stop treating your husband the way she does. To be honest if your husband leaves you, it sounds like your mom would not care.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I still think an effort to deeply understand both sides (your mother and your husband) would be useful and lead to an improvement in the situation.

I also suggest that the current status is very unstable and if it continues it will blow out one way or another. 

It seems you tried mediation through third parties and that did not work an you are suffering quite a lot otherwise you would not be here. I understand your pain and your position is indeed difficult to improve. 

To achieve a deep understanding one would have to imagine themselves in the mind of the other, with their upbringing and mentality. 

I would encourage your mother to imagine herself in the place of your husband, having your husband's mind and emotions. The deeper the imagination exercise goes the deeper the understanding. It is very difficult to stay mad at someone when you deeply understand their actions through that exercise. Then do the exercise with your husband as well. 

This conflict, like many others in relationships seems to be between two people who refuse to see the others point of view. 

Even if this works the improvement will be gradual and it will likely not have them get along like best friends. 

I would also suggest you look at changing the set up of where you live and where you spend your time to give each party more space. 

Finally please also examine yourself and your connection with your mother. If she raised you as a single parent your bond may be very strong and your husband would feel this as an imbalance in your marriage.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Fleur wrote,... "To be honest if your husband leaves you, it sounds like your mom would not care. " That's a little inaccurate or understated. The mother would be very happy if she broke up your marriage, and has been engaged in that effort for the past years. The husband has been fighting a battle against the mother with the wife clearly on the mother's side. Again, why he has been so passive is beyond me, but it is clearly taking its toll on him physically and psychologically. 

RDL wrote, "I still think an effort to deeply understand both sides (your mother and your husband) would be useful and lead to an improvement in the situation." I respectfully disagree. That's what daughter has been doing. She needs to take a firm line not tolerating mother's destructive actions, and any sign of weakness will lead mother to increase her efforts to destroy the marriage. 
(dominating mother tells her friends she has been too lax and accommodating and needs to be more assertive)

Indeed, even in a church, where the sanctity of marriage is obviously recognized, she said she would not shake his hand. 

That does not mean eliminating the daughter/ mother relationship. This (the marriage) will simply be an issue on which they disagree. The daughter will support her husband and maintain a firm hand not to permit mother's destructive actions in their presence. She will not seek to change her mother but simply establish some basic rules of civility with her husband present.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Might be a good idea to choose the H over the mom. It is nice to have a relationship with your mother, however, when mom is instigating issues between you and your H it is time to sit mom down and draw the boundary. Now, as far as your H and this "friend" it is very inappropriate and not the correct answer to MIL issues. He needs to stop that. Mom needs to be addressed.

Mom is going to guilt you to no end when you tell her how it is going to be. Trust me...she will get over it. Been there and done that.


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## marriedtotrouble (Feb 8, 2015)

Without a doubt if I had to choose between my husband and my mother I would choose my husband. It's been me and my mother for 26 years my dad left when I turned 2 her life was in me and my brothers. I know she has to let me go and my husband is aware of the closeness. I just don't know how to break the ties. But I don't want my marriage to end in order to do it


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

marriedtotrouble said:


> Without a doubt if I had to choose between my husband and my mother I would choose my husband. It's been me and my mother for 26 years my dad left when I turned 2 her life was in me and my brothers. I know she has to let me go and my husband is aware of the closeness. I just don't know how to break the ties. But I don't want my marriage to end in order to do it


You DO have to choose between your mother and your husband, and you need to do it now.

That doesn't mean you have to cut your mother off and not have a relationship with her, but it does mean you need to set your boundary and then ENFORCE it.

If your mother is on the phone with you and starts in on your husband, tell her you'll end the call if she doesn't stop. If she doesn't stop, END THE CALL. 

If your mother is in your home and starts in on your husband, tell her she'll be asked to leave if she doesn't stop. If she doesn't stop ASK HER TO LEAVE.

It won't be easy, but you can do it. You don't need to see your mothers point of view about your pregnancy, that's none of her business, you were 26 not 16 for goodness sake. She needs to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself.

Honestly, if my mum ever spoke badly about or to my husband, there'd be hell to pay. No way would I tolerate that. It wouldn't be a case of "I'm not very happy about this mum..." it'd be more like "How f'n dare you!".


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

No excuses made for your husband, but I bet he felt unsupportive by his wife. Does that mean he should seek another female for consolation? No. That was immature and dumb. BC now he is just making things worse. You need to put boundaries with your mother. Her meddling in your marriage is ruining your marriage. He needs to cut off contact with this female he is talking to. For you to gain trust again will take time, but if both of you are truly in love and want this to work, it will.


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