# tell me about separation



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

When people say they are "separated" does this always mean they are legally separated? I guess I never really thought about it before. Heck, I didn't even know that you could legally separate until a few years ago when someone I knew did it. Has anyone here been separated but not legally? What does it all entail? I just keep hearing the episode of Friends where they were "on a BREAK." Does this mean you are working on things but need to live apart? Does it mean you are NOT working on things and are having a sort of trial divorce? I'm curious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legal separation is a lot like divorce except that the couple is still legally married... they just live completely separated lives, have custody agreements, etc. It's usually done for a few reasons: 1) religious for people who cannot live together but do not believe in divorce 2) if one spouse has medical issues and needs the other spouse's medical insurance 3) there might be come financial/legal entanglements that it's better to be married for but they cannot live together and want definite rules about money, custody, etc.

Legal separation is not something a couple does to work on a marriage. It's something to get as legally untangled from each other as possible with out actually divorcing.

Most of the time when you hear about a couple separating, it just means that one has moved out for some reason. Often they tell their spouse it's to get some space to think but it's really just a step towards divorce.

Few couples who separate ever get back together. Separation usually leads to divorce. A marriage cannot be fixed if the couple is not together. 

Now there is a thing called a structured separation. That's when a marriage counselor is involved. It's not a legal thing, it's just an agreement between the couple. The MC helps them come up with an structure separation agreement.. it defines how long they will be separated, that they will be going to MC and IC, whether or not they can date others, how the money and children will be handled. And it has an end date.. when the couple decides to get back together or divorce.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Now there is a thing called a structured separation. That's when a marriage counselor is involved. It's not a legal thing, it's just an agreement between the couple. The MC helps them come up with an structure separation agreement.. it defines how long they will be separated, that they will be going to MC and IC, whether or not they can date others, how the money and children will be handled. And it has an end date.. when the couple decides to get back together or divorce.


Very interesting, thank you. Now is this something that most marriage counselors are familiar with and/or support, or do I run the chance of them thinking I'm crazy or them being unwilling to do this with us? This may be an option I need to explore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adeline said:


> Very interesting, thank you. Now is this something that most marriage counselors are familiar with and/or support, or do I run the chance of them thinking I'm crazy or them being unwilling to do this with us? This may be an option I need to explore.


I would think that most are familiar with it. Here's a structured separation agreement outline/sample.

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Structured Separation – A temporary, time-limited separation conducted with clear and appropriate guidelines for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. It is understood that at the end of the separation, one or both spouses might choose to end the marriage if the separation is not successful. It should be done under the leadership of someone like your MC with weekly MC Sessions.

1.	Length of separation: Set a time limit, preferably 3-6 months.


2.	No attorneys: It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame. Both parties have to feel safe and that they will not be blind sided with a divorce filing.


3.	Terminating the contract: Decide whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement. But neither party will unilaterally terminate the contract and not inform the other.


4.	Living separately: Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.


5.	Financial Decisions: All monies should be split in a fair and just manner. Pay all bills first. Then split what is left 50/50. If one parent has the child more, then figure out child support according to state guidelines and agree to pay this on an informal basis. 


No large purchases (over $200) or debt will be incurred without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. No joint assets will be sold during the separation without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. 


Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts. 


6.	Confidentiality: An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t. What are you both going to tell other people? Make sure your message is agreed upon by both of you. 


7.	MC Sessions: Agree to only talk about all the hard stuff and the bad stuff at weekly MC Sessions. Here is where you sort out problems that have occurred during the week as well as going back over the old stuff that got you to this point.”


8.	Quality Time to Be Spent Together 

1-2 weekly dates, just the two of you. Start with no more than 1 hour each. Expand the time as you both feel safe. 

1 weekly family date that includes your son. Again start with the 1 hour each and expand as time goes on.

Separate the irritation of your issues and daily life from your selves as former loves. You need a list of taboo subjects.. no talking about marital problems/issues, the affair, money, etc. Only positive fund things. The point is to do something that is fun and enjoyable, and to end before the good time gets ruined. 

9.	Chat time: If you want schedule chat time to spend together during the week. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing.


10.	Administrative Time: Weekly schedule to talk: administrative calls, where you only talk about business or kids-stuff. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing


11.	Intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.


12.	Personal Growth Experiences: You each can include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful. 


13.	Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship: No social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship. 


14.	Child Custody/Time-Sharing. Establish a joint agreement who your son will be with on which days with as close to a 50/50 split as possible. How/where/when exchanges will take place.


15.	Motor Vehicles: Ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the marriage.


16.	Privacy and Issues of Trust: 

•	Both must agree about what the children will be told about this separation and the marriage relationship.
•	Access to the others’ mail, email, voicemail, accounts, other’s places of residence, etc.
•	What is the level of transparency needed to help rebuild trust. This must be the same for both parties.
•	Are unannounced spontaneous visits allowed?
•	Is monitoring/tracking the other part allowed?

_____________________________________ ____________
Huband’s name & sign......................................Date

____________________________________ ____________ 
Wife’s name & sign..........................................Date


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Separated is just that...separated.

In rough terms, many marriages have about a 10% chance once separation is discussed. 
It drops to about 5% or less if they DO separate.

Nobody who is serious about reconciliation will suggest or support it.
It’s also a very dangerous road to go down if there is even a hint of something good left in the marriage. Spouses who move out to another place often mistake the relief of being in the conflict with the move being “the right thing to do”.

In my state, there is no difference between legally and anecdotally separated until the papers have been filed. Adults have to live 6 months “separate and apart” before the divorce petition can be signed.

Don’t pay any attention to Friends…it’s a cute show but not based on anything near reality.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

thanks, elegirl. That was very helpful.

SamuraiJack- Yeah, I understand. I just realized recently though that in a lot of ways we are separated. So I thought I'd start looking into making it more official. I really like the idea of the structured separation with a counselor. For my marriage I think it is time.

Yeah, I guess I just didn't know if people thought of a separation as a "break" or if most of the time people legally separated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adeline said:


> thanks, elegirl. That was very helpful.
> 
> SamuraiJack- Yeah, I understand. I just realized recently though that in a lot of ways we are separated. So I thought I'd start looking into making it more official. I really like the idea of the structured separation with a counselor. For my marriage I think it is time.
> 
> Yeah, I guess I just didn't know if people thought of a separation as a "break" or if most of the time people legally separated.


If it's a legal separation.. the marriage is over and one step of a divorce.

If it's a "break", the marriage is over and someone needs to file instead of living in limbo.

If it's a structured separation, then the point is to work on the marriage. It's not a break. It's a time to work and rebuild.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Got it. At this point it would be the last resort to work on the marriage.


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Each state is different, so you will want to check to determine if "legal" separation is recognized in your state. In Virginia there is no such thing as a "legal separation." You can live apart for 6 months (with no minor kids) or 1 year (with minor kids involved) and then apply for a divorce. Of course during the time of separation you're going to want a separation agreement to ensure finances and/or kids visitation is/are appropriately addressed. You do not have to "register" your separation with the courts.


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