# Please help!!!



## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Ok so for a long time there I was completely convinced my H was addicted to porn...until I recently found out from him it's what he fantasizes about that has been the issue. That's what he's been hiding from me because he feels pretty embarrased by it. So I said ok no big deal, not like he'll ever want for it to become real. But our sex life is still suffering, as many of you know I've done absolutely everything imaginable to turn him on including several things he's said would do the trick immediately,but he still turns to jerk off solo. He claims its due to arguments and me being "hostile" toward him,but when a situation arises and I point out that he's the one that's name calling,yelling and really just being downright mean to me he just walks away. Perfect example today, I've been taking care of our 3 & 4yr old all day, cleaning the entire house, doing laundry, dusting, cleaning the kitchen and then I started getting dinner ready when he got home. So I've been non-stop cleaning & taking care of everyone else today. So he gets the steaks to put on the grill & I got the sides ready in the kitchen. After I was done I wanted to take a shower before sitting down to eat. The kids were still cleaning up their playroom & he was still getting the steaks ready so I knew I had 20min to take my shower. I'm almost done in the shower & I hear this incredibly loud banging over & over again. So I stepped out, threw on my robe & the kids were slamming the door to their playroom...over & over again while he just stood in the kitchen letting them. I get back in the shower to finish, get out & get dressed quickly. I come out to eat & he said "well your dinner is probably cold now". No big deal, I'll just heat it up for a few seconds in the microwave. So I do that & he freaks out yelling at me for taking a shower & ruining my steak by putting it in the microwave for 20 seconds. Literally, yelling at me for no ligitimate reason. Saying I shouldn't have taken a shower before dinner, he put a lot of effort into making it & I ruined it by heating it up. All of this right in front of the kids. All I said was, "why are you really yelling at me? I've been busy cleaning all day & didn't want to take a shower earlier because I would have gotten dirty from cleaning. Its really not a big deal, you said my food was cold so I'm heating it up. Why are you so upset with me?". He just continued yelling saying I was being "insensitive", all the while I'm just sitting there like WTF is going on?! So that clearly represents him being the hostile one, constantly being a **** to me & for no real reason. We cook out on the grill all the time, its not like this is the first time in a year that he's done it. He still won't apologize & actually said that I was a *****. I didn't feed into him at all, I didn't yell, I didn't say FU, although I probably should have. So his reasons for lack of interest in having sex with me are not making any sense to me at all. I'm honestly begining to think he's got some major issues and feels the need to constantly put me down to make himself feel better. Throughout him being this way with me, I've continued to stand by his side and try as hard as I possibly can,and still attempted to be intimate with him and he makes snide remarks & verbally beats me down. At what point am I supposed to say enough is enough??? He's constantly telling me that I have a need to control everything, but I'm pretty sure I have control over pretty much nothing. He's said I was too controlling in bed & needed to relax. He's consistently said to me that it shouldn't just be about getting to the finish line & just enjoy myself as he does. So that's pretty much turned into him having sex with me whenever he wants to (recent argument or not),getting turned down whenever I initiate,never climaxing when we do & most recently giving him a bj and he's says "oh yea you owe me one until I cum",due to a bet I lost. I continue & he starts completely taking over so I asked if he wanted a bj or if he wanted to continue by himself...he got pissed & again said I was controlling the situation. I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't. I thought it was a ligitimate question, do you want me to do this until you cum or do you plan on finishing yourself,considering just 2minutes ago I owed him one until he came. WTF?!?!?!?!?!
He completely took control of that situation,not that I cared,but he got mad at me for asking. I don't know wtf to think anymore. The other night I asked him if he wanted to get in the shower with me,he said sure even though it feels more like work than anything else. WTF?! So we played a few games of chess & I went to get in the shower & he took his clothes of like he was getting in too, then said I want to hear you make noises,brought my toy into me,closed the bathroom door & got in bed to jerk off. I just said "you don't want to get in?" his response "you need to ease back into after an argument,why can't u just have fun with it?" well I can play by myself anytime, and that's not what I cared to do, I wanted to be with him,my husband like that's some insane notion! He's shown to be so incredibly selfish with so many things,this especially & I honestly am done thinking its because of me. He doesn't want me to have a career,only work 8hrs or less Mon-Fri,so that I'm family oriented and a good mother to be at home to cook food,take care of the kids(who btw are both his from previous marriage,just came to live with us in Feb & I treat as my own)but when I talk about wanting to bare children of my own, its oh I don't think we're ready for that. But he expects me to do everything & then some being a mother to them now but completely dismisses the fact that I would be more into it all if I had gone through the whole mother experience myself. I really don't know what to think anymore,but I do know that I feel like nothing more than an f'ing maid,chef & nanny 75% of the time, 15% of the time I'm just a verbally abused wife getting beat down & talked at not talked to, 5% of the time I'm just a **** toy for him and the last 5% of the time I'm just arm candy that boosts his ego. But all of the time I feel hope yet frustrated for letting someone treat me like this. I feel love yet disgust by his lacking to stand up,grow up & not just act like a man,but to be a man. If he could just show that me & the kids were more important to him than anything else by not completely ignoring us & showing that he actually enjoys spending time with us I probably wouldn't feel this way. I know this is extremely long,yet again. So thanks to all who read and any thoughts,comments would be greatly appreciated.


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

He sounds like a real loser. I'd dump his a**, and let him raise his own kids. If even half of what you say is true, you're an amazing wife and he doesn't deserve to be with you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I agree with jc32, your hubby sounds like a loser. I saw no mention in there anywhere of anything that you're really getting out of this relationship.

To me, it sounds like he gets off on treating you like crap. Unless you get off on that, too, I don't really see the reason to stay. If you want to work it out and stay, then I definitely think that counseling is in order. I don't see him ever changing just because you say so; he'll need counseling, a professional to make him see that what he's doing is wrong. And even then he may not see it and change. 

You mentioned that the kids are actually his from a previous relationship. Given their ages, I have to guess you two haven't been together too long...how long were you together before you got married? I ask this because one thing to consider is that perhaps he was simply looking for someone to take care of his children so he wouldn't have to? I hate having to suggest that to you, because I know how much that would hurt me, but given the way he treats you...I can't help but wonder.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So you start out saying your husband is addicted to porn and there is an issue about his fantasies. 

then you go on about his behavior (mostly not related to porn of fantasies).

I think you already know this, but there are a whole lot of problems there and porn and fantasies are the least of them.

So either get to counseling, individually or together, or get out.


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