# heartbroken



## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

i have been on this site a few weeks, just reading for advice. my husband left 8months ago, we have been married 5years in August. it has been hard. my friends dont understand, they wonder why it is so hard for me to move on. we have a 6 children between us, one of them we have together. all through last year he left me 5 times, the longest time he was gone was 3months. his mom passed 4 years ago and the last 2years he has been withdrawn, he had an affair and i had a hard time dealing with it. its like last year i felt he just didnt want to be married. since he left this time, i barely see him or talk to him. our son, who was like his whole world he barely see's he might come visit him for an hour or two every few weeks. his daughter is always telling me how everyday he is saying how much he misses our son but i certainly cant tell- we will get along for a few days, a week tops talking everyday and then he will just be angry with me, talking about i need to accept we are getting divorced. i have had to file bankruptcy, house went into foreclosure while he moved into a new place in march. since he left, i have just focused on the kids and being with my friends, finding things to do on my own, went on vacation last month. his daughter is with me every weekend but our other kids who used to spend weekends together barely see each other. he is so mean and so hateful 95percent of the time. i barely bother him, i am so tired of his attitude and the arguing. but again, we will be fine for a week then he will just be angry again, then i will just avoid him for a week or two then he will call like nothing happened. when he calls we barely talk about the kids, i feel like he just wants to hear my voice but then a week later he will suddenly be very angry again. he said he is the happiest he has ever been. he has a new girlfriend he says meets all of his need and he meets hers. yet, he is always calling me when he is stressed about bills or money or child support or work. i just listen and i am always positive but we never talk about all that i am dealing with. the last time he was angry and hateful to me, i was fed up and i refused to take any of his calls for 3weeks, then when i finally talked to him he wanted to see me (again, didnt even ask about his son) i agreed initially then i changed my mind and didnt respond to his calls, still since then for the last 2weeks he has been soooo nice and pleasant and polite UNTIL last night. he called we were talking and he suddenly starts talking about his girlfriend and how he has a new blue print and no more cheating and no more being on dating websites and i am soooo hurt! how can he be this changed man for this new girlfriend when all we ever argued about was other women?! and when i expressed to him how that bothered me with no yelling or cursing or anything he hung up on me. i sent him a text this morning telling him that was so rude and i have a right to say that it hurt my feelings and i just wont be talking to him anymore i dont deserve to be treated that way. he called me right back yelling in my ear that we shouldnt even be talking about us anyway( when he brought it up!) our marraige is over we are getting a divorce he has an appt monday at 8:30 with an attorney and i just listened and he said hello? and i said i am here and ok. then silence, then he said bye like 5times and i was just silent and then he hung up. i am so confused! its like ok he didnt just hang up on me like he did last night so he is trying to be nice? but still he is acting like i have no right to feel any type of way about anything! why is he always so angry with me? he said when he first left he needed me to get back to who i was and i will admit i changed a lot but that was from the affair i became so insecure but he didnt do anything to help me it was like it was done and i was supposed to move on- none this year have i brought up the affair, or do i arguie with him when he says he is coming and he does not next time he calls i dont even mention it, when he is mean and nasty we dont talk for a week or two then when he calls i am just cheerful and happy, i dont mention it at all- i thought i was showing him what he did wasnt going to bring me down but instead of stopping he just keeps at it- i know where he lives, i have not one time even driven by his house, i dont call him i dont beg him to come home i dont stalk him. when we talk it is always me being positive to whatever he is dealing with as i stopped months ago even telling him anything about what i am dealing with or the kids since he apparently didnt care. today since that phone call i have just been so mentally down and i just returned from a birthday party with my son and i broke down as soon as i got him into bed like it had just been building inside of me all day. it has been 8months, why am i still going through this?????????????? why do i even still love this man who has been so horrible and mean and hateful to me, barely even spending time with my son? is it the old him that i still love? how do i stop this?
im sorry this was so long i was just trying to give some background so maybe someone can give me some advise- i am just all over the place. from reading other posts, i seem to be doing what everyone says is good- getting back into myself and focusing on me- staying away from him and i recently read the 180 divorce rules and realized that i am already doing all of them anyway! with no results!!!!!! i hurt so badly inside and i am just so so tired.


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## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

Whew!

First recommendation - *paragraphs.* That was tough to read through.

Next up, voice mail. I wouldn't answer his calls anymore. If it's a life-threatening emergency he'll probably leave a message. And if he's dumb enough to yell at you via voice mail then you've got ammunition for later.

I'm in a similar situation. My future ex-wife is, uh, "volatile." One call from her can wreck my day. The stress is infectious. Take steps not to get any on you and you should feel better.

I'm sure at this point you've come to realize that this guy is a hopeless misfit who's a walking denigration of everything good about humanity, so you shouldn't feel even the slightest bit of remorse about his good fortune or misfortune. Wash your hands of this *sshole. Seriously. 

Just focus on yourself and your kids. Hell, you said that yourself at the end of your post. With six kids I think you've got enough to manage already.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

It sounds you're heading a positive direction by concentrating on your kids, being with friends and doing things alone. I takes awhile for the feelings towards and ex to go away. He sounds like he's lost his mind somehow. Some people think when they change they feel they have to start over with new everything. This means new lover, new clothes, new car, etc. This might even mean changing jobs. Just stay on good path and yours and your children's live shall smooth out in time.


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