# My Wife Says She Loves Me, But Isn't "In Love" With Me



## Dave In DC (Jan 26, 2011)

I am in a very uncomfortable place right now. This last Thanksgiving (2010) my wife of 20 years crawled into bed with me, lovingly wrapped herself around me and said the last thing I expected: "I'm trying to rid myself of all the negative things in my life, and you're one of them". She further went on to tell me it was because I don't listen to her, I'm a mean and angry person who has separated her from her family and friends, and she's furious about an auto accident I had two years ago. She's also really upset about what she has called my "tone of voice". This is funny since I think of myself as a pretty nice guy with lots of friends and good relationships with almost everyone I meet. She also thinks I'm a bad influence on the kids.

This was such a shock to me. Sure, my wife and I have had your classic couples arguments; generally over process and inability to communicate effectively, but this was a huge surprise.

I went into a total depressive state over the holidays. My family was with us for the holidays and my wife was cordial to them, but indifferent to me. We celebrated her birthday during this time and she had a great time celebrating with my family, but again was indifferent to me. I was put on Wellbutrin by my doctor; which I've subsequently quit cold turkey because they make me feel even worse. We're both going to individual counseling, Marriage Counseling, and I have volunteered to attend Anger Management classes to guarantee that any time I do get angry I can manage it.

As part of my treatment, I've discovered that a hypothyroid condition I was diagnosed with 12 years ago was a misdiagnosis. I didn't have an under-active thyroid, I had a dead thyroid; so I was subsequently misdiagnosed, under medicated, and mistreated. So for more than the last decade I have been suffering with hypothyroidism's main symptoms: chronic fatigue, memory issues, brain "fog", depression, and increased irritability. I even have an endocrinologist who will corroborate these symptoms as real and serious. As is text book with this disease, I didn't even know about the depression and irritability until it was too late.

I also learned that my hypothyroid creates an intolerance to alcohol; which manifested itself with the car accident I had. I went to a four hour luncheon in the middle of the day, had four 5 ounce glasses of wine, and left to get my kids from school. On the way to school I was involved in an accident which was inconclusive as to who was at fault. I told the EMT, the reporting officer, and (subsequently) the attending physician what I had been doing prior to the accident. No one at that time thought I was under the influence of anything. I told the physician about my thyroid issue and the medication I was taking (levothyroxine - a generic medicine that was too low a dose for my condition and is notorious for inconsistent dosage to boot). My Blood Alcohol Content was discovered to be .28; enough to indicate that I had drunk 4 liters of wine (which I wouldn't do and couldn't do). The doctor never reported my BAC because of my medical history.

My wife sees the issues of my hypothyroid as yet another "excuse" for my behavior when I attempt to explain what has been happening to me. I've since been under the care of an excellent endocrinologist who has done a wonderful job of treating my disease so that I am not suffering from the symptoms of my disease by placing me on a therapeutic regi9mine of Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) which I will be on the rest of my life.

I have since become much like the person she married. Slow to anger, sharper of mind, and not depressed. As far as my wife is concerned, this is too little too late and has told me that we are done. She says that the only reason we are together now is because of the kids and if they had not been here she would have been gone a long time ago. One moment she wants me to move out, the next she talks about staying together until our youngest is ready to go to college.

We are no long arguing. She still asks me for foot rubs, back rubs, wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss what's bothering her. Yet, when she leaves for work in the morning, she leans in as if to kiss me goodbye and, as I lean in to kiss her, she turns her head so that my lips land on her cheek. We have not further interaction with each other by phone or email (unless it has something to do with the house or the kids) until she comes home, we have dinner together, put the kids to bed, and watch TV with each other for about an hour, then go to bed; in the same bed. In the mornings, we wake up, go through our morning routine, and repeat the above scenario.

What's happening here? Despite all of the issues around my short temper and occasional rage outbursts (probably no more than 12 in the last 20 years); we have had a wonderful life together with lots of adventures and loving experiences. She was telling me she loves me up until the day before she told me we were done. I am so confused. I love her to distraction and truly regret everything that's transpired over the last few years and would love to find a way to fix this situation.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Are you positive that there is no one else? Your story sounds like it's sort of right out of the cheater's script. The whole "i love you but I'm not in love with you" is classic to a cheater. The fact that she raised issues that didn't seem important or were resolved years ago is another classic sign. The feeling that you get that she is being indifferent toward you - that's another one. 

I know exactly where you are. I know that complete state of confusion and pure anxiety. It's awful and I wish you were not going through it. 

I also know this because these are things that my H did and I believed a lot of them until I actually found out that all of this was just b.s. to cover up the fact that he was with someone else. If this is the case, what your W is doing is essentially demonizing you and your years together to make them look, to her, as bad as possible so that she can, in her own mind, justify her actions. They apparently have to do this in order to be able to live with themselves. And, just to let you know, my H went to a few MC sessions too; he went to one on his own and was about to go with me again right before I found out the truth. He was the last person in the world that I thought would do something like this and I wanted to believe with all my heart that it wasn't the case. My gut told me otherwise and nagged at me. If your gut is telling you something, odds are it's true.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dave In DC said:


> I am in a very uncomfortable place right now. This last Thanksgiving (2010) my wife of 20 years crawled into bed with me, lovingly wrapped herself around me and said the last thing I expected: "I'm trying to rid myself of all the negative things in my life, and you're one of them". She further went on to tell me it was because I don't listen to her, I'm a mean and angry person who has separated her from her family and friends, and she's furious about an auto accident I had two years ago. She's also really upset about what she has called my "tone of voice". This is funny since I think of myself as a pretty nice guy with lots of friends and good relationships with almost everyone I meet. She also thinks I'm a bad influence on the kids.
> 
> This was such a shock to me. Sure, my wife and I have had your classic couples arguments; generally over process and inability to communicate effectively, but this was a huge surprise.
> 
> ...


Do you want to save your marriage?

Treasure your wife with a 500% better treatment.

No woman wants to live with a constantly angry & mean husband. Please understand it's no easy life for her or for any wife. I'm sure you can't find a better woman than her. Knowing that you're impossible to get along with, but you're so lucky that you have married the very woman on earth who is able to endure all the unhappiness you bring.

When she said it's for the kid, otherwise she wanted to leave, you know what? I really believe & understand her.

If you have changed your short temper, mean attitude, brutally honest speaking, you are just a ok & normal husband in my personal view. 

You're not yet a wonderful husband, in my personal view.

To save your marriage, your wife needs to see a 500% more wonderful husband, just being normal isn't enough because she's over consumed, so you need to make 5 times the effort to make her happy 5 times more.

Rememer that she doesn't need to say thanks to you, because when you become normal, she's right, it's a bit too late, she has lost her hope in marriage long time ago. 

You must be 500% kind & gentle to make her feel there's still hope. Not only, you must be terrific, fun & loving out of bed and willing to please her in bed. 

To deal with her unhappiness:

Whenever she's upset about one thing, communicate with her before you go to sleep. 

When she complains, just say, "I understand, I will do my best to make you happy!" Don't try to find reasons to argue back with her.

Before sleep, simply ask her, "Honey, is there anything bugging you today? I'm all ears!"

Listen and give her positive response. "Yes, you're right!"

I know being an extremely kind husband sounds unfair, but it's just fair for your wife. She's faithful & loyal to the family. You should already count your blessings that she's still there at home sleeping in the same bed with you.. It's fair for her to vent.

My comment might be harsh but if you're able to be not only normal but also wonderful husband, you will give her hope.

I'm pretty sure when you love her, she would love you back two times more. So when you're nice to her 500% more, she will return you 1000%.

(She already loved you when you're angry, mean, sick & depressed. Are you able to do the same if putting yourself in her shoes?)

She hasn't had good sexual life I guess, except for the foot & back rub from you....but not enought, you can also give her an all body erotic oil massage following by a great oral sex. She really deserves some kind & loving treatment from her husband.


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