# I Need Women to Help Me Understand My Porn Use



## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hello everyone, this is my first post here, so please be patient. This may be a long post. I discovered this site not too long ago but have been intrigued by the types of discussions and some of the responses the community gives. Before I get into the main point of my post I want to give some information about myself and clarify what I want to achieve.

I'm a male, 25 years old, single with no kids but currently keeping an eye out for a lady to date and pursue marriage with. I'm hoping (sincerely in the least weird way possible) that women in various stages of life and marriage will read this because I want their insights and opinions. I know that men will most likely read this too, and any constructive discussion is welcome. However, as I think about writing this it is women who I think will be able to give the most valuable points.

I want the opinions of married women on pornography as it relates to its role in a man's life and how it affects a relationship. I'm interested in hearing from all women, whether their husbands watch porn or not. And please, everyone, know that I'm looking for honest, transparent discussion (but will not press for intimate details you're not willing to share). What I'm not looking for is grotesque, demeaning discussion.

I have some specific questions I want to ask any women reading this, but I need to present information first. Please be patient. Now let me begin.

*My Use of Pornography*
I'll disclose that I have viewed a lot of pornography. There have been times when I've watched it as a way to unwind after a stressful day, times when I was bored and wanted something to do (Covid lockdowns didn't help with this one), and of course times when I wanted and/or needed to relieve sexual tension. My point is that porn is something that hasn't always been secluded to a single area of my life.

Additionally, I've visited sexcam sites where viewers can interact with performers. While I did this for a while, I always felt very guilty when doing it and have happily stopped, as I consider it both degrading to those women (and really women in general) and unhealthy to have that kind of interaction with another human being that you're just using to feed a sexual appetite.

*My Stance on Pornography*
I don't want this to turn into a argument about whether porn is moral or immoral, or about religious convictions. I'm more interested in honest advice, insight and opinions from women here. But just so everyone knows,I don't prescribe to the theory that the acceptability of porn depends on _why_ a person is viewing it. I have some moral reservations about pornography, mainly owing to my religious convictions. I'm a Christian and believe that women are created with great value and dignity and should be respected. This kind of thing may seem strange to most people here, but it is what I believe.

I know this seems strange. But my beliefs about pornography at this point in my life are that it's not really the best and I think relationships would be better without it. I know there are others who disagree (and cite some psychological and scientific studies showing _some_ porn use is actually good). But this is something I have done for a long time and have struggled with, and I still watch it. I like porn but regret liking it at the same time. I have some crazy desires about women but do not want to demean women in any way.

I know people of both sexes have differing opinions about how porn affects relationships, both sexually and otherwise. Let me try to give some bullet points concerning what I think about pornography:

I agree with many people that porn is an unrealistic depiction of sex. Anyone who develops an idea of sex based on porn or who tries to model their sex life after porn is living under an illusion.
I agree with many people that porn tends to objectify women as sexual objects and that this is very wrong. Women should be respected as people, not lusted after as sex objects.
I do not like porn where there is physical aggression depicted and where the woman seems to be in legitimate pain (even though it's just acting). This is incredibly distasteful to me because it seems degrading to the women involved and outside of healthy sexual practice.
I do not like porn with excessive cussing, degrading and derogatory language directed towards women, for the same reason given in the previous point. (I understand that in the passion of the moment _some_ cussing may be considered sexy and "fiery")
I don't like porn that only focuses on the man's sexual satisfaction. I believe sex should be mutually pleasurable and it's committed man's responsibility to make sure his wife is pleased when they come together in the bedroom.
I am not personally into extreme sex stuff like BDSM and things like that.
I think porn that uses young actors and actresses is creepy and gross. NOTE: legitimate porn studios are required to provide ages for their performers, so these people are in fact over the age of consent. However, I find the explicit sexualization of pornography to be gross when it pertains to these guys and girls. If you're not around that age yourself, it's just weird to watch. 
I am absolutely disgusted and even outraged by some of the more popular free porn sites. They have been documented as having illegal activity and underage girls on their sites. This is a violation of human worth and they should be prosecuted. 
Any porn I watch I have paid for and view on a premium site where documentation is verified and where I'm not watching stolen material. I am also relived by the presence of some "ethical" porn studios where the performers are treated better. At least, I'm as relieved as someone who has reservations about porn can be.

Now here are some of my deeply held convictions about porn and relationships:

I see no reason to deny that humans are created as sexual creatures. It is pleasing visually and physically to stare at the naked body of someone you find attractive. Women find physical things about men attractive and sexy, I see no reason to avoid saying that I find curves and other physical qualities about a woman sexually arousing.
I do not believe a man should ever pressure a woman into a sexual act, nor do I think it's respectful to a woman to have her feel like she has to compete with her bf/husband's fantasies. 
I think a man should always be open about his porn use with his gf/wife. Secrets in general are destructive to relationships, and secrets about sexual matters even more so since they involve the most extreme case of intimacy a relationship can have.
I think a guy's (or girl's) porn use should be proportionate to his significant other's comfortability with it. If, after an honest discussion, the woman is ok with him watching porn, then that's fine. If after the discussion she only wants him to watch it if she's unavailable, then he should only watch it under those circumstances. If she doesn't want him to watch it at all then he should stop. Although with that last one I would want to talk about sex and try to arrive at a good understanding and be more intentional about it in our relationship.
I think it's a man's obligation to make his wife feel secure, desired, respected, valued and loved in the relationship. That goes for sexually, relationally, family decisions, etc. 
One of the things I want to know, women who are reading, is this: is the viewing of porn fundamentally at odds with valuing and respecting women? I have watched much porn, but I do not want to ever make a woman feel like she exists to serve me or others sexually. I'm repulsed by that idea. I'm open about the fact that I find a woman's body to be pleasing, but I don't want to ever imply that her body is more important than her person (character, spirit, values, "who she is on the inside"), or that she is _only_ a body and not a person. 

*My Questions*
With all of that said, here are some questions I would really appreciate the women to answer. Whether you're single, young and married, old and married, married for 1 year or married for 40, I am interested in what you have to say.

(1) From your perspective as a married person, how do you feel about a man who has a history of pornography use as I've disclosed here? Would you even be interested in going on a date with someone like this?

(2) What would you say to someone like me who wants to be in a loving, committed marriage eventually?

(3) Is there any part of this that has influenced things in your marriage that you can share with me?

Again, I just want honest, transparent discussion. If there is any information you want to know, please feel free to ask. I will answer any questions!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

When men are not in committed relationships, or don't feel connected to their spouse, their desire for sex goes up. 
It's kind of a possession instinct, because if a man is new to a relationship, he tends to want to have sex with his woman more times before he starts to be satisfied with less within the relationship as he becomes secure. 

You see it when a man gets out of a relationship, that he tends to hunt for sex without commitment. 

If you're heavy into pornography, you need to socialize more. You're using porn to fill in your inherent loneliness. 
Do what you can to socialize more, even if it's just going to hobby clubs or something.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

1. I would never be in a loving long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. Therefore I probably wouldn't date someone who is so heavily into porn.
2. I would never be in a long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. But don't worry the men will stop by and tell you it's ok. I can say my husband doesn't watch porn.

Oh and you are going to get a porn thread about the good and evils no matter what people around here just post what they want. And even non porn threads turn into the same old argument. And you'll get more men posting than women.

You could just poke around a little and you'd already see these ideas and arguments.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1. I would never be in a loving long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. Therefore I probably wouldn't date someone who is so heavily into porn.
> 2. I would never be in a long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. But don't worry the men will stop by and tell you it's ok. I can say my husband doesn't watch porn.


He's asking what he can do to curtail it back.
Just stopping is not an answer that really helps, because he's dealing with emotional loneliness. 

He needs to know to do in order to be able to cut back on the porn.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> 1. I would never be in a loving long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. Therefore I probably wouldn't date someone who is so heavily into porn.
> 2. I would never be in a long term relationship with someone who uses porn regular. But don't worry the men will stop by and tell you it's ok. I can say my husband doesn't watch porn.
> 
> Oh and you are going to get a porn thread about the good and evils no matter what people around here just post what they want. And even non porn threads turn into the same old argument. And you'll get more men posting than women.
> ...


Thank you for replying. I am happy to hear that your husband doesn't watch any porn, that's truly wonderful! I am wondering, could you define regular porn use? How often would someone watching it be considered regular? I have decreased the amount I watch significantly in recent months. I don't watch nearly as much porn as I used to. In fact, I think I am well on my way to kicking it entirely.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> He's asking what he can do to curtail it back.
> Just stopping is not an answer that really helps.
> 
> He needs to know to do in order to be able to cut back on the porn.


Thanks for the mansplaining but I actually answered his numerated questions. Even numeratod my answers so if you could just answer the OP that would be great. Leave me out.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for replying. I am happy to hear that your husband doesn't watch any porn, that's truly wonderful! I am wondering, could you define regular porn use? How often would someone watching it be considered regular? I have decreased the amount I watch significantly in recent months. I don't watch nearly as much porn as I used to. In fact, I think I am well on my way to kicking it entirely.


Good stuff. 

As I said, the best way to kick the porn habit is to get out and socialize. Even if your social life is based on your hobbies and interests and building skills sets, like cooking.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Too much of a wall of text, and too well written for a first post, meaning might be iffy. But that's me.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Thanks for the mansplaining but I actually answered his numerated questions. Even numeratod my answers so if you could just answer the OP that would be great. Leave me out.


With all due respect, you answered them without helping him. 
Men tend to use porn to fill in their emotional needs. Telling him to just stop is like telling him to leave a giant hole in his heart that he isn't able to fill so easily. 

You break bad habits by adopting good habits, not just stopping bad habits.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for replying. I am happy to hear that your husband doesn't watch any porn, that's truly wonderful! I am wondering, could you define regular porn use? How often would someone watching it be considered regular? I have decreased the amount I watch significantly in recent months. I don't watch nearly as much porn as I used to. In fact, I think I am well on my way to kicking it entirely.


Look you are right about lots of things. It varies per woman what is acceptable from some not wanting any use to those who actually make it with their men.

In my youth I dated a variety of boys. I found I didn't like the ones who used porn regular. My husband doesn't use it now but that doesn't mean he's never ever used it. 

You are single so I wouldn't hold it against you as much as I would if we were dating or intimate. I can't think of what would be good. I mean kicking it entirely sounds good to me. 

I also think you right in just be honest. That way the woman can make up her own mind as to what is ok for her.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Look you are right about lots of things. It varies per woman what is acceptable from some not wanting any use to those who actually make it with their men.
> 
> In my youth I dated a variety of boys. I found I didn't like the ones who used porn regular. My husband doesn't use it now but that doesn't mean he's never ever used it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your feedback.

I agree that kicking it entirely sounds good, and I believe that will actually be the case in the near future. 

It's good to hear that someone else agrees being completely honest about it is right. I would want a significant other of mine to be open so we could talk and work through it.

Again, thank you for posting.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Too much of a wall of text, and too well written for a first post, meaning might be iffy. But that's me.


I actually laughed when I saw this (not in a rude way). This is my first post here, but I have been writing lengthy articles consistently elsewhere for years. 

It's good you're suspicious of posts though. Never let your guard down on the internet. Ever.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for your feedback.
> 
> I agree that kicking it entirely sounds good, and I believe that will actually be the case in the near future.
> 
> ...


The thing for me is I've seen a little porn in my youth and those images are still with me. You can never erase them from your brain.

I just think it is harmful. I am also greedy. I want the only woman my husband lusts after to be me. In addition, I think people are less happy when they look on the other side of the fence (grass is greener reference). So I don't sit around an covet others husbands or houses or anything that make me unhappy. I don't want my husband to be coveting other woman and make himself unhappy. 

I think LTR are better when both work on being grateful for what they do have. 28 years in December.

But that being said. I think honesty is the corner stone of any good relationship. No one (in this case women) feels good to find out that they have been lied to or 'purposefully' kept in the dark about such an issue for years. It isn't as bad as cheating but it makes the person who was in the dark untrusting, resentful and feel foolish on top of the feeling of insecurity as well. 

Many believe oh if my wife doesn't know....... But when she finds out....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hi OP, you make a lot of very good points. It's good to know that as a young man you have clearly given this a lot of thought. I would carry on along the road towards giving it up totally.
You are still trying to justify some porn use despite acknowledging the many negatives.
As a Christian too you must know that it's wrong and that infidelity is condemned by Jesus whether physical or mental.

I am a married to a man who doesn't watch porn. I wouldn't marry a man who thought that porn was ok. It's not just our faith, I felt the same before I became a Christian. I see it as disrespectful and unloving for me as a married woman to watch porn. I cant think of one positive aspect of porn, but countless bad and damaging ones.

It takes strength, courage and determination to go against the flow and be different. Yes the majority of men watch it, buy we are called to live a different life.

We both believe that our sexual focus should be on each other, and that bringing porn into the marriage is bringing others in when it should be just the two of us.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> The thing for me is I've seen a little porn in my youth and those images are still with me. You can never erase them from your brain.
> 
> I just think it is harmful. I am also greedy. I want the only woman my husband lusts after to be me. In addition, I think people are less happy when they look on the other side of the fence (grass is greener reference). So I don't sit around an covet others husbands or houses or anything that make me unhappy. I don't want my husband to be coveting other woman and make himself unhappy.
> 
> ...


I know what you mean. There are images and videos that I know will be with me until I die, and I wish they weren't there. There have been times when I'm talking to a nice lady and one of them will pop into my head and I'm ashamed to be in the conversation.

And I like your idea. A husband _should_ lust after his wife. I understand lust usually has a negative association, but in the context of husband and wife intense sexual desire is something I think it beautiful.

Congratulations on the long marriage! That's awesome.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Hi OP, you make a lot of very good points. It's good to know that as a young man you have clearly given this a lot of thought. I would carry on along the road towards giving it up totally.
> You are still trying to justify some porn use despite acknowledging the many negatives.
> As a Christian too you must know that it's wrong and that infidelity is condemned by Jesus whether physical or mental.
> 
> ...


Thank you for reading my post and leaving a response.

I am actually not trying to justify porn use. I don't believe it can be justified. In my original post I was simply trying to be open about how I use it and some of the things I have felt about it. But I believe my life and the world would be better without porn.

You are one of the first people I have found online who has said they wouldn't marry a man who thought porn was ok. I'm very relieved at least some people still think this way. It is heartbreaking to me that I have talked with women (around my own age) who have no problem with men using porn. They otherwise seemed like good young ladies who were strong in their faith.

Thank you for the encouragement to live differently. And your last paragraph is very good, I like it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for reading my post and leaving a response.
> 
> I am actually not trying to justify porn use. I don't believe it can be justified. In my original post I was simply trying to be open about how I use it and some of the things I have felt about it. But I believe my life and the world would be better without porn.
> 
> ...


Well you have to remember we are told over and over that ALL men use porn. It isn't true but many do so what choice do young women have? Also when I was young I might not have taken that firm stance. It took me a little while of dating and being around men before I figured out I just didn't like the ones obsessed with porn. I'm older now and much more fussy about everything. I also have experienced a lifetime with a wonderful man. I'd never settle for less now. Young women don't have maturity. Things do change over time.

Just like many young men would date any really hot chick. But over time many actually realize the hot/crazy scale is real.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well you have to remember we are told over and over that ALL men use porn. It isn't true but many do so what choice do young women have? Also when I was young I might not have taken that firm stance. It took me a little while of dating and being around men before I figured out I just didn't like the ones obsessed with porn. I'm older now and much more fussy about everything. I also have experienced a lifetime with a wonderful man. I'd never settle for less now. Young women don't have maturity. Things do change over time.
> 
> Just like many young men would date any really hot chick. But over time many actually realize the hot/crazy scale is real.


I see your point and understand why many young women don't have a problem with pornography (or at least _say_ they don't). Not accepting a guy that views porn reduces their prospects immediately. But I'm hoping that there are least some younger ladies who would rather stay single than be with a guy who watches porn. 

And I'm afraid you're right. Many young guys would date a girl they found unbelievable attractive, even if she were horrible on the inside. I'm thankful I haven't fallen into that trap, and I don't really want to know how I would respond if presented with the opportunity. I hope I would just keep walking.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I see your point and understand why many young women don't have a problem with pornography (or at least _say_ they don't). Not accepting a guy that views porn reduces their prospects immediately. But I'm hoping that there are least some younger ladies who would rather stay single than be with a guy who watches porn.
> 
> And I'm afraid you're right. Many young guys would date a girl they found unbelievable attractive, even if she were horrible on the inside. I'm thankful I haven't fallen into that trap, and I don't really want to know how I would respond if presented with the opportunity. I hope I would just keep walking.


A young guy will indeed, but also not date the crazies exclusively.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for reading my post and leaving a response.
> 
> I am actually not trying to justify porn use. I don't believe it can be justified. In my original post I was simply trying to be open about how I use it and some of the things I have felt about it. But I believe my life and the world would be better without porn.
> 
> ...


I find it sad that young women who are Christians think it's ok for men to do this. It's clearly not ok according to Jesus, but they seem to ignore that. 
I do actually know some young Christians who are not ok with it, so there are still some who keep those values. 

I would rather be alone than with a man who watches porn. As my husband says, these women are not his to look at. They are other people's wives or future wives or partners. They are also daughters, sisters, nieces, mothers. They should be respected even if they don't respect themselves.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. It’s good that you’re thinking about such things. But you need to be careful not to get yourself stuck in overthinking mode, and it seems that you’re far closer to that side of the equation than the underthinking side.

2. You’re a young man, you would be well advised to seek counsel and guidance from more experienced men, rather than women.
It’s good to get female perspectives, but they will not help you understand yourself or your most effective ways forward as a man. That’s what older, more experienced men are for.

3. Women cannot help you understand your porn use. Other men can’t even help you understand your porn use, though they’ll probably have a better shot at it. 
You need to be your own mental point of origin and determine how you feel about porn use and what you’re going to do about it in your life - based on what you believe is in your own best interest, not based on the opinions of women (or other men).
Be informed by the opinions of others, but do not be beholden to them.

4. What is the mindset / thought process behind your chosen handle NewGenerationMan?


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

NewGenerationMan said:


> e





Diana7 said:


> I find it sad that young women who are Christians think it's ok for men to do this. It's clearly not ok according to Jesus, but they seem to ignore that.
> I do actually know some young Christians who are not ok with it, so there are still some who keep those values.
> 
> I would rather be alone than with a man who watches porn. As my husband says, these women are not his to look at. They are other people's wives or future wives or partners. They are also daughters, sisters, nieces, mothers. They should be respected even if they don't respect themselves.


Well it's good to hear that there are young Christian women who hold onto those convictions. I hope I can meet one.

And I like your husband's thought process. It's important to respect people as people even if they don't acknowledge their own value. 

May I ask, and it's completely ok if you don't want to answer this, whether you think self-gratification is ok if done without visual stimulation like pornography?


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. It’s good that you’re thinking about such things. But you need to be careful not to get yourself stuck in overthinking mode, and it seems that you’re far closer to that side of the equation than the underthinking side.
> 
> 2. You’re a young man, you would be well advised to seek counsel and guidance from more experienced men, rather than women.
> It’s good to get female perspectives, but they will not help you understand yourself or your most effective ways forward as a man. That’s what older, more experienced men are for.
> ...


Thank you for reading and providing a response. 

The reason I wanted to hear from women is because I have already heard from and studied many men. I have found that (generally speaking) it's women who are more sensitive to this and can provide better relational insight. With that said, I only directed the discussion with women because this is an online, public format. I wouldn't talk about these things one on one or even in a small group of women. That would be inappropriate. However, your points about more mature men being helpful is valid.

The mindset / thought process behind my handle was basically non-existent. I didn't think about it but for one minute, and I chose it because I'm of a younger generation (Gen Z specifically). It would have been nice if I had taken more time to think it though...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Well it's good to hear that there are young Christian women who hold onto those convictions. I hope I can meet one.
> 
> And I like your husband's thought process. It's important to respect people as people even if they don't acknowledge their own value.
> 
> May I ask, and it's completely ok if you don't want to answer this, whether you think self-gratification is ok if done without visual stimulation like pornography?


I don't have issues with masturbation as I can't see it's forbidden in the Bible. People have done this throughout history without porn, especially the widespread gratuitous porn on the internet that is available now.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

NewGenerationMan said:


> omen who are more sensitive to this and can provide better relational insight. With that said, I o





Diana7 said:


> I don't have issues with masturbation as I can't see it's forbidden in the Bible. People have done this throughout history without porn, especially the widespread gratuitous porn on the internet that is available now.


I've read and listened to Christian teachers who are for and against it. Personally I was of the conviction that masturbation was wrong, but I have recently adopted the view that it isn't _always_ wrong. Being able to relieve tension that way has helped me decrease my porn use significantly.

Sorry if that was too personal. I appreciate your responses.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Random women in the internet will not be able to explain to you why you watch porn. Our random opinions also are a moot point since this whole conversation is really tied to the preferences of your future partner.

I have friends that prefer their husbands watch porn so they are left alone. Some women view it as cheating. Others may watch porn with their significant other. It’s a pretty personal topic and preferences vary.

It’s good you are at least aware that people may feel different things. The important thing is to focus on the needs of your significant other and understand your porn use should not block you from meeting their physical or emotional needs. This is a common issue with frequent porn use.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I've read and listened to Christian teachers who are for and against it. Personally I was of the conviction that masturbation was wrong, but I have recently adopted the view that it isn't _always_ wrong. Being able to relieve tension that way has helped me decrease my porn use significantly.
> 
> Sorry if that was too personal. I appreciate your responses.


No it wasnt too personal. I think masturbation is something to use at times when its needed, especially for single people like you. Many men today often seem to think that you cant masturbate without porn, of course you can. 

I appreciate that you are asking women. Many men havent a clue what affect it has on their wives and marriages when they do this and sometimes arent interested. 
I know 2 marriages that ended due to porn use and apparently porn is cited in 60% of all divorces now. 

My advise is to be honest with any future girlfriend and discuss it together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This whole porn exploiting and being degrading to and objectification of women is bull crap.

Assuming they are not kidnapped off the street in Malaysia, they are choosing to do it and they are being paid thousands of dollars for having sex instead working at an actual job.

The chump sitting alone in the dark staring at some electronic screen with his junk in his hand with nothing to show for it except for some crusty towels on the floor Instead of doing something useful with his time and energies is the actual one degrading himself and being chumped here. 

Guys are the actual chumps here. 

....and this is coming from someone who is not actually anti porn assuming it is all consenting adults.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This whole porn exploiting and being degrading to and objectification of women is bull crap.
> 
> Assuming they are not kidnapped off the street in Malaysia, they are choosing to do it and they are being paid thousands of dollars for having sex instead working at an actual job.
> 
> ...


I see as degrading even if they agree to it. I also see it as degrading for myself to watch it. Plus not all porn is made by agreeing paid adults.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> No it wasnt too personal. I think masturbation is something to use at times when its needed, especially for single people like you. Many men today often seem to think that you cant masturbate without porn, of course you can.
> 
> I appreciate that you are asking women. Many men havent a clue what affect it has on their wives and marriages when they do this and sometimes arent interested.
> I know 2 marriages that ended due to porn use and apparently porn is cited in 60% of all divorces now.
> ...


Thank you for your willingness to discuss these subjects. Do you think severe porn use in the past would turn future prospects away? That may be difficult to answer since you're already married. I'm just curious to hear answers people have.

I enjoy hearing a woman's perspective since women tend to be more in focus concerning the emotional aspects of sex instead of mainly physical.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for your willingness to discuss these subjects. Do you think severe porn use in the past would turn future prospects away? That may be difficult to answer since you're already married. I'm just curious to hear answers people have.
> 
> I enjoy hearing a woman's perspective since women tend to be more in focus concerning the emotional aspects of sex instead of mainly physical.


As long as you are honest about the past and have since stopped, then I am sure that the right girl will accept that.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Random women in the internet will not be able to explain to you why you watch porn. Our random opinions also are a moot point since this whole conversation is really tied to the preferences of your future partner.
> 
> I have friends that prefer their husbands watch porn so they are left alone. Some women view it as cheating. Others may watch porn with their significant other. It’s a pretty personal topic and preferences vary.
> 
> It’s good you are at least aware that people may feel different things. The important thing is to focus on the needs of your significant other and understand your porn use should not block you from meeting their physical or emotional needs. This is a common issue with frequent porn use.


I understand what you're saying. I should have done a better job at naming this thread. I was meaning to say that I want input from women to understand how porn variously affects different relationships and people. I don't take anything anyone says here as the final, decisive word on anything. But I always enjoy learning and hearing perspectives, and some married women I think could give me insight I wouldn't otherwise be able to come across.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> As long as you are honest about the past and have since stopped, then I am sure that the right girl will accept that.


I appreciate the optimism. The main thing I worry about in the future is how much of my sexual expectations will be left over from watching porn and what will be healthy. I wouldn't want to relate to my spouse in a way that's informed by pornography, but I don't know if I would always be able to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sexual appetite.

From what I've gathered, married couples' sex lives vary in both frequency of intimacy and other factors.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I see as degrading even if they agree to it. I also see it as degrading for myself to watch it. Plus not all porn is made by agreeing paid adults.


Who knows what’s coming out of Malaysia and Thailand etc but assuming it’s not child porn, it’s consenting adults in modern western societies.

Why should the pornographers abduct and force people into it when chicks are literally walking into their offices every day asking where to sign? 

And now we have Only Fans and Instagram etc where people simply produce it themselves from their own homes. 

But my point here isn’t whether porn is consensual or not. 

My point is that it is the wankers that are the real ones getting chumped and taken for a ride here. 

The sexy people are having sex and getting paid to do it. 

The wankers are sitting alone in the dark burning up their money, time and energy with nothing to show for it. If they took that time and energy and money and put it towards developing themselves or asking out real girls on real dates,, maybe they could have real sex.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I understand what you're saying. I should have done a better job at naming this thread. I was meaning to say that I want input from women to understand how porn variously affects different relationships and people. I don't take anything anyone says here as the final, decisive word on anything. But I always enjoy learning and hearing perspectives, and some married women I think could give me insight I wouldn't otherwise be able to come across.


Gotcha. That explanation makes more sense to me.

For me personally, I never cared about porn use until it caused intimacy issues with my husband. In past relationships I always knew they probably watched it but I never thought about it since I was constantly pursued in that way. This unfortunately wasn’t the case for my husband as I discovered he had a full blown addiction (hours of porn use daily). It’s been a really horrific experience for me because I felt like he picked them over me.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Gotcha. That explanation makes more sense to me.
> 
> For me personally, I never cared about porn use until it caused intimacy issues with my husband. In past relationships I always knew they probably watched it but I never thought about it since I was constantly pursued in that way. This unfortunately wasn’t the case for my husband as I discovered he had a full blown addiction (hours of porn use daily). It’s been a really horrific experience for me because I felt like he picked them over me.


Your perspective is one that a lot of women seem to share. I don't want to sound rude (literally not at all), but I have never really understood how women can not have a problem with their man watching other naked women. But I understand people can have different convictions.

Can I ask, why you don't have a problem with porn? 

And I agree that you should be upset when it affects the intimacy with your husband. I'm sorry that happened.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Your perspective is one that a lot of women seem to share. I don't want to sound rude (literally not at all), but I have never really understood how women can not have a problem with their man watching other naked women. But I understand people can have different convictions.
> 
> Can I ask, why you don't have a problem with porn?


Where are you getting these perspectives from? Church? Women in your periphery? Online sources?
You seem overly obsessed with this issue, where’s that coming from?

Just for perspective, I also fall in the anti-porn camp. It scrambles your wiring and mental firmware, it can desensitize your brain to sexual stimuli and it’s generally unhealthy and unproductive for men. 
Yes, it’s also sinful and problematic on a number of levels. 

But it’s not some great existential evil, and it will not tarnish and warp you forever (assuming you don’t have a massive porn addiction that you actively feed). 
It’s problematic, unhealthy and should be avoided, but try to keep it in perspective.

And any girl would shun you or have a serious issue because you’ve watched porn in the past - run away.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Your perspective is one that a lot of women seem to share. I don't want to sound rude (literally not at all), but I have never really understood how women can not have a problem with their man watching other naked women. But I understand people can have different convictions.
> 
> Can I ask, why you don't have a problem with porn?
> 
> And I agree that you should be upset when it affects the intimacy with your husband. I'm sorry that happened.


Its more of an out of sight out of mind thing for most women. If I caught the person watching porn then I’d probably be upset and feel upset that he was imagining screwing someone else. I dont think most women WANT it to happen but it’s too stressful trying to control what your partner does when no one is around. It’s better to just live your life in bliss since chances are it would turn into some hidden thing.

But to be clear, I am absolutely not okay with porn at this point in my life because of this issues it makes in my marriage. I also know his behavior is the issue and not the porn’s fault. Maybe I’d feel differently with a different partner but I know my husband would be right back to watching it for hours a day and then saying he is “too tired” for me. It’s kind of traumatic to think about.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I've read and listened to Christian teachers who are for and against it. Personally I was of the conviction that masturbation was wrong, but I have recently adopted the view that it isn't _always_ wrong. Being able to relieve tension that way has helped me decrease my porn use significantly.
> 
> Sorry if that was too personal. I appreciate your responses.


The reason why Onan was killed by God for masturbating was because he refused to honour his brother by providing an heir. It wasn't because he spilled his seed on the ground, per se.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Its more of an out of sight out of mind thing for most women. If I caught the person watching porn then I’d probably be upset and feel upset that he was imagining screwing someone else. I dont think most women WANT it to happen but it’s too stressful trying to control what your partner does when no one is around. It’s better to just live your life in bliss since chances are it would turn into some hidden thing.
> 
> But to be clear, I am absolutely not okay with porn at this point in my life because of this issues it makes in my marriage. I also know his behavior is the issue and not the porn’s fault. Maybe I’d feel differently with a different partner but I know my husband would be right back to watching it for hours a day and then saying he is “too tired” for me. It’s kind of traumatic to think about.


I'm sorry to have made you think about it again. But I thank you for your responses. It's a shame that I hear a lot of women who say they're ok with porn even though in reality they would rather not have it happen. Men should stop watching in that instance (they should stop anyway, no matter what).

But it pains me that women will accept men watching porn because it's stressful to keep up what their husbands are doing in their free time. Women should be able to trust husbands to not betray their intimacy at all times. I'm not criticizing you, I'm just thinking out loud about how terrible I think the situation is.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Where are you getting these perspectives from? Church? Women in your periphery? Online sources?
> You seem overly obsessed with this issue, where’s that coming from?
> 
> Just for perspective, I also fall in the anti-porn camp. It scrambles your wiring and mental firmware, it can desensitize your brain to sexual stimuli and it’s generally unhealthy and unproductive for men.
> ...


I apologize if I seem obsessed. I'm interested in hearing what people here are going through and possibly helping them by talking it through. As for my own personal interest, I am happy with what people have said so far. But if they continue to post I will be happy to keep responding.

Thank you for your thoughts and posts.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I'm sorry to have made you think about it again. But I thank you for your responses. It's a shame that I hear a lot of women who say they're ok with porn even though in reality they would rather not have it happen. Men should stop watching in that instance (they should stop anyway, no matter what).
> 
> But it pains me that women will accept men watching porn because it's stressful to keep up what their husbands are doing in their free time. Women should be able to trust husbands to not betray their intimacy at all times. I'm not criticizing you, I'm just thinking out loud about how terrible I think the situation is.


Well it just goes back to control. No one wants to be the porn police or constantly nag about intimacy. And it isn’t healthy to try to control or set “rules” that just won’t be followed. It’s such a social norm that women are somewhat made fun of for feeling hurt by porn. Saying we are “insecure” or “jealous”. Which in some way is true but obviously we shouldn’t be forced to be okay with sharing our partner’s attention in that way.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Well it just goes back to control. No one wants to be the porn police or constantly nag about intimacy. And it isn’t healthy to try to control or set “rules” that just won’t be followed. It’s such a social norm that women are somewhat made fun of for feeling hurt by porn. Saying we are “insecure” or “jealous”. Which in some way is true but obviously we shouldn’t be forced to be okay with sharing our partner’s attention in that way.


It's terrible that women feel forced to accept porn use as normal. It's definitely wrong that any woman would be made fun of for being hurt by porn. Obviously I've never experienced that as a guy, but I empathize. Personally, I think relationship rules, or maybe _boundaries_ is a better term, are great and should be nagged as much as needed. But I'm not married either, so...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I apologize if I seem obsessed. I'm interested in hearing what people here are going through and possibly helping them by talking it through. As for my own personal interest, I am happy with what people have said so far. But if they continue to post I will be happy to keep responding.
> 
> Thank you for your thoughts and posts.


Please stop continually apologizing for yourself. 
It’s really not good for your mindset or for the way others will perceive and react to you.

Understand, I’m not trying to attack you or beat you up, I’m trying to offer you advice and guidance.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Most women are going to expect that you watch or have watched porn. They might not like it, but it's so normal these days that most wouldn't believe you if you said you had never watched it. 

This doesn't make any sense, though:


> Additionally, I've visited sexcam sites where viewers can interact with performers. While I did this for a while, I always felt very guilty when doing it and have happily stopped, as I consider it both degrading to those women (and really women in general) and unhealthy to have that kind of interaction with another human being that you're just using to feed a sexual appetite.


How is that any different than regular porn? You are paying for it (because you don't like the free sites) and you are using it for the same purpose.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> With all due respect, you answered them without helping him.
> Men tend to use porn to fill in their emotional needs. Telling him to just stop is like telling him to leave a giant hole in his heart that he isn't able to fill so easily.
> 
> You break bad habits by adopting good habits, not just stopping bad habits.


Wake up dude. OP asked women a specific question which that specific woman was gracious enough to answer.

I initially thought he was going to get murdered as a pervert but his OP had a legitimate inquiry to my surprise.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

bobert said:


> Most women are going to expect that you watch or have watched porn. They might not like it, but it's so normal these days that most wouldn't believe you if you said you had never watched it.
> 
> This doesn't make any sense, though:
> 
> ...


I understand the confusion. It's different in the sense that on cam sites you're actually interacting with the women in real time, not watching pre-recorded videos. While it's still virtual interaction, there is a difference in the experience of watching cam models and watching pornographic videos. And even though I have paid for porn, that too is different when it comes to cam sites. Imagine paying for a movie a Hollywood actor is in or paying the actor directly to put on a show for you.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Please stop continually apologizing for yourself.
> It’s really not good for your mindset or for the way others will perceive and react to you.
> 
> Understand, I’m not trying to attack you or beat you up, I’m trying to offer you advice and guidance.


My apologies are typically born out of my more formal manner of speaking. I'm not apologizing because I feel as though I've done something wrong or I'm insecure. I apologized because of an apparent misunderstanding. I'm confident in my posture before other people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> Well it just goes back to control. No one wants to be the porn police or constantly nag about intimacy. And it isn’t healthy to try to control or set “rules” that just won’t be followed. It’s such a social norm that women are somewhat made fun of for feeling hurt by porn. Saying we are “insecure” or “jealous”. Which in some way is true but obviously we shouldn’t be forced to be okay with sharing our partner’s attention in that way.


It's so important to make sure we marry a person who shares our values and mindset on things like porn. I couldn't be with someone who I felt I had to police and set rules for. 
That's never going to work. 
We each need to have our own boundaries and standards on porn and other things and try and find someone who is in the same page as we are. 

As long as we are honest about it that is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NewGenerationMan said:


> My apologies are typically born out of my more formal manner of speaking. I'm not apologizing because I feel as though I've done something wrong or I'm insecure. I apologized because of an apparent misunderstanding. I'm confident in my posture before other people.


Don't worry, it's fine to be polite and considerate.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Don't worry, it's fine to be polite and considerate.


Says the Brit of course…


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> With all due respect, you answered them without helping him.
> Men tend to use porn to fill in their emotional needs. Telling him to just stop is like telling him to leave a giant hole in his heart that he isn't able to fill so easily.
> 
> You break bad habits by adopting good habits, not just stopping bad habits.


That is like saying that telling a spouse to stop an affair is wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Says the Brit of course…


Yep 😁
I like politeness.Hate rudeness.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yep 😁
> I like politeness.Hate rudeness.


You seem like a rare woman. By the way, after the above post I'm going to imagine everything you write in a British accent. I can't help myself I just like foreign accents haha


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That is like saying that telling a spouse to stop an affair is wrong.


Morally, maybe. 

However, as an addiction, it's really closer to that of a drug addiction for it's capacity to develop a dependency. 
You can't stop an addiction or dependency through willpower alone. It's like having a hole in one's person. 
It's why alcoholics and drug addicts often can't stop. 

You need a better habit to replace that habit.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm an unmarried woman in my late 60s. I think it's perfectly fine to masturbate, but the longer I live the more harm I have seen come from watching porn. My biggest objection to it is the exploitation and humiliation of women. Even those who chose to get paid for doing it have some unhealthy reasons for doing so. Many had no choice in the matter.

So I do think it's immoral. I don't really have a problem with reading porn, and watching anime porn because it doesn't involve real women. I'm not comfortable with those because they are still objectifying women and still have the element of humiliation, dehumanizing women and boiling them down to sex. 

I know from living my long life that men don't have to watch video to masturbate and can just use their imaginations. But if you bring that up on this forum, they act like you're a lunatic.

Porn is destructive to your relationships in many ways. A porn addict will become so used to masturbating to his couple of favorite scenarios that he can start having trouble with real life sex that doesn't include those scenarios or that manufactured porn actress.

Most women don't really like their men watching it. There certainly are exceptions. I didn't use to mind it when I was young., I remember the moment it started being smarmy to me when a male friend began talking about it graphically over lunch.

Porn makes you start thinking that sex acts, many of which are not at all pleasurable to women, are normal and mainstream and that you're entitled to them in a relationship. I think that's been the biggest common problem I've seen on this forum with it. It's just constant whining about their mate won't do this or that which they believe is normal because they watched so much porn, but it's not normal and it's not pleasurable for the woman in many instances, and the women on the videos are paid sex workers, and they are paid to pretend to like it and be enthusiastic.

So it builds unrealistic expectations that will cause problems for you in all likelihood. There are exceptions to everything but most of us aren't lucky enough to fall into that category.

It's nice to hear a man talk about being disturbed by how women are humiliated in those videos because there are a lot of men who just seem to think that that's just alright, but it's not.

Why don't you try masturbating just using your imagination for a while.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm an unmarried woman in my late 60s. I think it's perfectly fine to masturbate, but the longer I live the more harm I have seen come from watching porn. My biggest objection to it is the exploitation and humiliation of women. Even those who chose to get paid for doing it have some unhealthy reasons for doing so. Many had no choice in the matter.
> 
> So I do think it's immoral. I don't really have a problem with reading porn, and watching anime porn because it doesn't involve real women. I'm not comfortable with those because they are still objectifying women and still have the element of humiliation, dehumanizing women and boiling them down to sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for reading the discussion and providing your thoughts. I value your opinion as someone in her 60s.

I appreciate the reaffirmation of my idea that many women are not turned on by the sex acts in porn. And I also agree with you that it build unrealistic expectations.

As for your thoughts on masturbation, I agree. The imagination can be a wonderful thing, and I have been masturbating more and more with just my imagination and no visual stimulation. I've found that using the imagination can be even better, and it's certainly healthier from a relationship perspective. This has helped me cut back on porn use.

I don't watch porn nearly as often as I used to. I used to watch it daily, but now maybe once or twice a month. And I'm confident that I will be free from even that amount of usage soon.

I'm curious about something from an older woman. May I ask, how many times per week/month is it healthy to masturbate or have sex?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for reading the discussion and providing your thoughts. I value your opinion as someone in her 60s.
> 
> I appreciate the reaffirmation of my idea that many women are not turned on by the sex acts in porn. And I also agree with you that it build unrealistic expectations.
> 
> ...


Ok I'm an older woman and that is a question that has no answer.

I don't really masturbate at all. Some men masturbate daily or more than once a day. Healthy? Not sure that's a word I use for masurbate or don't masturbate.

I don't do it cause it doesn't do much for me.
My husband doesn't because I'd beat his ass. * just joking I'd never be violent* but is he has a hard penis it's mine.

Others do it because their spouses sex drive doesn't match theirs. I don't think I'd object if my husband had a much higher drive than mine and didn't use porn or pictures of other women. I do wonder though if masturbation lowers marital relations or upset the balance. I'm don't know the answer to that.

Medically men who ejaculate 21 times a month have a lower chance of prostate cancer.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok I'm an older woman and that is a question that has no answer.
> 
> I don't really masturbate at all. Some men masturbate daily or more than once a day. Healthy? Not sure that's a word I use for masurbate or don't masturbate.
> 
> ...


I see. Yes, I think that differing sex drives is an important factor in frequency of masturbation. As for the medical information, I didn't know that.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok I'm an older woman and that is a question that has no answer.
> 
> I don't really masturbate at all. Some men masturbate daily or more than once a day. Healthy? Not sure that's a word I use for masurbate or don't masturbate.
> 
> ...


How frequently do you and your husband have sex? If you don't mind me asking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm an unmarried woman in my late 60s. I think it's perfectly fine to masturbate, but the longer I live the more harm I have seen come from watching porn. My biggest objection to it is the exploitation and humiliation of women. Even those who chose to get paid for doing it have some unhealthy reasons for doing so. Many had no choice in the matter.
> 
> So I do think it's immoral. I don't really have a problem with reading porn, and watching anime porn because it doesn't involve real women. I'm not comfortable with those because they are still objectifying women and still have the element of humiliation, dehumanizing women and boiling them down to sex.
> 
> ...


Spot on, great post.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Morally, maybe.
> 
> However, as an addiction, it's really closer to that of a drug addiction for it's capacity to develop a dependency.
> You can't stop an addiction or dependency through willpower alone. It's like having a hole in one's person.
> ...


I think you can stop if you really want to. I remember a lady I got to know on another forum many years ago. She had a husband who had used porn for many years and eventually she just said ok, you choose, the porn or me. She was prepared to leave and he knew it. He stopped just like that because he knew he would loose her otherwise. 
Not all porn watchers are addicted either. 
I remember when I was in my 20's I gave up smoking which is obviously very addictive. I did it because I didnt want my small children breathing in the smoke. I say this to show that if you have a good enough reason you will stop.

Honestly I respect my husband a lot. I cant ever imagine disrespecting him so much by watching porn.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> It’s such a social norm that women are somewhat made fun of for feeling hurt by porn. Saying we are “insecure” or “jealous”. Which in some way is true but obviously we shouldn’t be forced to be okay with sharing our partner’s attention in that way.


Years ago, I was on a forum discussing just this kind of thing. Strip clubs, porn, etc. I wasn't interested in a man who did those things. I was posting about how I felt like if being faithful to me was too much to ask, if foregoing strip clubs was too big a sacrifice to be with me then that man wasn't right for me. I was told by men AND women that I needed to let that go and realize that men aren't wired to be faithful, and I needed to be less insecure because men like a woman who doesn't care what they do as long as eventually they show up at home for a penicillin shot and a quickie. 

I was in a church singles group in my late twenties and was told this about strippers, porn and infidelity: "If he goes to a strip club or cheats or uses porn, he's not coming to you for sex. And you still get his money! It's like you're getting paid for nothing!" Yeah, that was step one to my leaving the church. Y'all can have that mess, I'm not for sale.

One of the people on the forum was a psychiatrist (it's was an alumni forum so most of us knew each other in real life.) This was his take: he said it wasn't that I was insecure. It was that I was secure. I knew my worth, and I knew what I wanted and deserved. That I believed being with me should be worth forgoing anonymous sex, be it strippers, porn or someone at a bar, meant that I respected and valued myself enough to set high expectations for myself.

Two years later, at an alumni happy hour (the doc I mentioned above was there) I met my husband. No porn, no strippers, none of that. He had friends who still dated strippers (not like met them at the club, but actual boyfriends of strippers. They were really rich) and told them no, he's not going up to the club with them because it bothers me.

Believe in your own worth. It's not insecurity to believe you deserve respect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Years ago, I was on a forum discussing just this kind of thing. Strip clubs, porn, etc. I wasn't interested in a man who did those things. I was posting about how I felt like if being faithful to me was too much to ask, if foregoing strip clubs was too big a sacrifice to be with me then that man wasn't right for me. I was told by men AND women that I needed to let that go and realize that men aren't wired to be faithful, and I needed to be less insecure because men like a woman who doesn't care what they do as long as eventually they show up at home for a penicillin shot and a quickie.
> 
> I was in a church singles group in my late twenties and was told this about strippers, porn and infidelity: "If he goes to a strip club or cheats or uses porn, he's not coming to you for sex. And you still get his money! It's like you're getting paid for nothing!" Yeah, that was step one to my leaving the church. Y'all can have that mess, I'm not for sale.
> 
> ...


Absolutely, never settle for second best. I would far rather be single than be with a guy who did those things. 
Oh and btw I have been to many churches and have never met anyone who thinks that going to strip clubs and watching porn is ok.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NewGenerationMan said:


> Thank you for reading the discussion and providing your thoughts. I value your opinion as someone in her 60s.
> 
> I appreciate the reaffirmation of my idea that many women are not turned on by the sex acts in porn. And I also agree with you that it build unrealistic expectations.
> 
> ...


It just depends on each individual person. I think people should masturbate whenever they feel like it. I think they should supplement their relationship with masturbation whether they are male or female. I just look upon it as healthy maintenance. I think each person goes through different times when they are more and less sexual. As a woman I think that mainly depends on if they were some way emotionally or mentally stimulated, but they do have the basic physical need as well but it just isn't as often as men usually although there are exceptions and you'll meet a couple on here. 

One thing it's important to know is that young women are curious enough to try different things, but as time goes by, they're not necessarily going to keep doing things they don't really enjoy. Men expecting them to has become a bigger problem since widespread porn use.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It just depends on each individual person. I think people should masturbate whenever they feel like it. I think they should supplement their relationship with masturbation whether they are male or female. I just look upon it as healthy maintenance. I think each person goes through different times when they are more and less sexual. As a woman I think that mainly depends on if they were some way emotionally or mentally stimulated, but they do have the basic physical need as well but it just isn't as often as men usually although there are exceptions and you'll meet a couple on here.
> 
> One thing it's important to know is that young women are curious enough to try different things, but as time goes by, they're not necessarily going to keep doing things they don't really enjoy. Men expecting them to has become a bigger problem since widespread porn use.


Yet. if the husband doesn't want to do something that he used to do, most of the women on the board would be pissed at being denied their pleasure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jonty30 said:


> Yet. if the husband doesn't want to do something that he used to do, most of the women on the board would be pissed at being denied their pleasure.


This is not the topic of this thread. Please stop thread jacking.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

43 year old, married, and a Mom.

Porn isn’t going to be “the reason” or the problem in an otherwise good relationship or marriage. And there’s no reason for it to be a major problem in your life.

The problem may be is selfish actions, mental illness (anxiety/depression/addiction), unhealthy coping mechanisms, bad habits, and sometimes plain old fashioned not knowing better…but porn isn’t “it”.

I know my husband watches porn. We have watched it together. We have laughed at some of it together. And cringed at others. And discussed if we might like to try something based on what we have seen. And also said no way while seeing other things.

If it impacted our relationship, caused one of us to view the other differently, etc then it would be gone. I know without a doubt he would never watch it again if it even remotely bothered me (and vice versa).

Because we respect each other.

People can have just as many problems because of video games. Or a habit of shopping too much. Or going to the gym 3x’s a day, only eating 1500 calories a day. Or a million other things.

If you are lucky enough, you will get to go through many years of ups and downs with your partner. And guess what? Mistakes will happen, hard times will come (even things like bouts of anxiety, depression, etc) and as long as you can respect each other and communicate, you’ll make it through.

If some girl wants to judge you for something you’ve done as simple as watch porn, then she isn’t much of a Christian. Forgiveness and all that. Walk away and count your blessings. 

In the same respect, you can’t pre-judge someone else and hold mistakes they’ve made against them when the action is in the past and not an active repetitive issue once discussed.

And, if you personally feel as though you’re watching porn is becoming an addiction, then address it. And also get to the bottom of “why”.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> How frequently do you and your husband have sex? If you don't mind me asking.


It varies but about 5x week. As much as 10x week. Depends on him and what’s going on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I've never been a big fan of porn because I think it damages the bond between a couple.

Think about this....we're told that men feel love through sex because bonding chemicals are released, but now you're going to release those chemicals to porn. Porn isn't just there for your pleasure....it's a big business designed to keep you coming back. And there have been studies that show that your brain's response is similar to its response to heroin.

I don't mind if my guy notices women....we're all human and I notice men. I don't even mind if he sees a naked picture here and there. But I would not get involved with a regular porn user for the reasons I stated. I'm not going to compete with or live up to porn. I know many guys will say it's just a fantasy and they don't bring it into real life, and if you have a woman who agrees that's great. I have no interest. 

In fairness my bf and I have plenty of sex....I'm throwing that out as a disclaimer because I know there are men who use it because they aren't having sex at home.

As for the exploitation that it a factor, but i happen to know someone who runs a porn site and she's told me that most of the exploited women are stripping or prostituting. She has no shortage of women lined up to get involved. Of course she doesn't drug or otherwise mistreat them.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I'm 41 and divorced. I would have no issue knowing about your past use of porn when you describe it in the way you have:









The fact that you also tried live cam porn also wouldn't bother me, because you say you have stopped, you felt it was degrading. We all have to learn in some way.

If I was in a relationship with someone who continued to use porn, then I would have an issue because I feel that there was something missing in the relationship that porn use was needed. I would feel inadequate, not meeting my partner's needs.

In the situations above that you describe your use of porn, do you feel that if you had a partner and were having regular sex that you would no longer use the porn? How frequent is your current porn use?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Yet. if the husband doesn't want to do something that he used to do, most of the women on the board would be pissed at being denied their pleasure.


It wouldn't bother me. I would respect the fact that he had reasons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> I'm 41 and divorced. I would have no issue knowing about your past use of porn when you describe it in the way you have:
> View attachment 79750
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think porn use is ever needed, it's wanted.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't have issues with masturbation as I can't see it's forbidden in the Bible. People have done this throughout history without porn, especially the widespread gratuitous porn on the internet that is available now.


I would argue that many Christians believe it is forbidden in the Bible. Not that I prescribe to that belief. My understanding is it would only be okay if you were doing it with your spouse. Then it is just an extension of sex with your spouse. My understanding is that any sexual desires must be relieved with your spouse, hence no sex before marriage and no masturbation. Again, I don't prescribe to that belief.

@NewGenerationMan I'm not a woman, but I've been married to one (only one) for 32 years. My wife knows I have used porn. She doesn't seem to really care so long as it doesn't impact our relationship. We've even watched it together on occasion, but not often. I have never used any of the live cam sites where you interact with the performer. To me that is way too close to an affair/cheating. We've never discussed it specifically, but I am positive my wife would not approve at all. Another reason I haven't done it.

You did a pretty good job of describing what I would consider ethical porn. I've never cared for the extreme and degrading porn. I must admit I've looked at some out of curiosity, but it was pretty repulsive to me. I've usually been drawn to more straight up couples having pleasurable sex together. And I have no idea how guys can get a thrill from porn about your wife cheating or cuckolding.

My view on porn has been evolving lately. I have to confess that I've been looking at some kind of porn since I was about 14 and I'm 50 now. There have been long stretches without it at all and if I'm honest there have been times when I was looking at it far too frequently. I don't think I'll ever be 100% anti-porn although at the moment my goal is to no longer use it solo. I'll only use it if it is something my wife and I chose to do together. It has been about a month since I've last looked at anything close to porn. I decided to do this for two main reasons. One is probably due in part to this site, TAM. It has made me consider that there is some level of disrespect towards my wife when I'm getting sexual gratification from another woman, even if it is just fantasy. Typically I kind of project the porn watched on to me and my wife, but the bottom line is I'm by myself getting a thrill from a woman that isn't my wife. That bothers me more than it used to. The second reason is I think it has desensitized me to real life sex. I've noticed recently that it is harder for me to reach orgasm. That's not all bad, especially if we are in the middle of an extended late night sex session, lol. It could be just an aging thing, because it does become more difficult as we get older. However, you cannot discount the desensitizing effect that porn has, it is real. Porn is designed to be as stimulating as possible and get you off as fast as possible. That is then combined with masturbation where you control your physical stimulation to perfection. That is going to make it much more difficult to get enough stimulation from actual sex. It is both psychological, but it is also biological. Frequent masturbation to porn has an impact on how much of a dopamine rush you need to achieve orgasm. Because of all this I've severely lost interest in porn. The benefit does not outweigh the risks/cost. And by cost, I mean having a negative impact on sex with my wife.

I hope this helps you out, even if I'm not a woman.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would argue that many Christians believe it is forbidden in the Bible. Not that I prescribe to that belief. My understanding is it would only be okay if you were doing it with your spouse. Then it is just an extension of sex with your spouse. My understanding is that any sexual desires must be relieved with your spouse, hence no sex before marriage and no masturbation. Again, I don't prescribe to that belief.
> 
> @NewGenerationMan I'm not a woman, but I've been married to one (only one) for 32 years. My wife knows I have used porn. She doesn't seem to really care so long as it doesn't impact our relationship. We've even watched it together on occasion, but not often. I have never used any of the live cam sites where you interact with the performer. To me that is way too close to an affair/cheating. We've never discussed it specifically, but I am positive my wife would not approve at all. Another reason I haven't done it.
> 
> ...


As I see it, its bringing others into your marriage and sex life even if you watch it with your spouse. I want our focus to be on each other and not on other people. Plus I would never want to in anyway support the porn industry. I also try and remember these people in porn are all human beings deserving of respect, and even if they choose to take part in it, often they are damaged and hurting people, often having been sexually abused as children. 
Sex before marriage is also forbidden in the Bible yes, but I cant see where masturbation is forbidden.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would argue that many Christians believe it is forbidden in the Bible. Not that I prescribe to that belief. My understanding is it would only be okay if you were doing it with your spouse. Then it is just an extension of sex with your spouse. My understanding is that any sexual desires must be relieved with your spouse, hence no sex before marriage and no masturbation. Again, I don't prescribe to that belief.
> 
> @NewGenerationMan I'm not a woman, but I've been married to one (only one) for 32 years. My wife knows I have used porn. She doesn't seem to really care so long as it doesn't impact our relationship. We've even watched it together on occasion, but not often. I have never used any of the live cam sites where you interact with the performer. To me that is way too close to an affair/cheating. We've never discussed it specifically, but I am positive my wife would not approve at all. Another reason I haven't done it.
> 
> ...


I like this post. As support I'll throw in that my ex hb was 50 when we met and already in the early stages of ED. I was only 31 at the time and thought this was normal for men over 50.

As time went by his ED got worse and he refused to address it. I also found out he was looking at porn a lot more then I'd realized.....he had a specific fetish and it got to the point where he couldn't get it up at all unless said fetish was involved. I got tired of it and lost interest.

It's a huge turnoff to feel like porn is always looming over you.

On a side note imagine my surprise when after our divorce I met a guy over 50 (I was in my 40's by then) and found out that ED was not necessarily normal for men over 50. It was a delightful surprise 😀


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I like this post. As support I'll throw in that my ex hb was 50 when we met and already in the early stages of ED. I was only 31 at the time and thought this was normal for men over 50.
> 
> As time went by his ED got worse and he refused to address it. I also found out he was looking at porn a lot more then I'd realized.....he had a specific fetish and it got to the point where he couldn't get it up at all unless said fetish was involved. I got tired of it and lost interest.
> 
> ...


Do you think the ED was partly due to his porn use? Many long term porn users can no longer get aroused by normal sex with a live person.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> As I see it, its bringing others into your marriage and sex life even if you watch it with your spouse. I want our focus to be on each other and not on other people. Plus I would never want to in anyway support the porn industry. I also try and remember these people in porn are all human beings deserving of respect, and even if they choose to take part in it, often they are damaged and hurting people, often having been sexually abused as children.
> Sex before marriage is also forbidden in the Bible yes, but I cant see where masturbation is forbidden.


I don't want to derail this into a theological thread, but the idea is masturbation is a kind of sex, sex outside of marriage is forbidden, so masturbation is forbidden. 

As for the rest, I tend to agree with a lot of what you say. Even with my wife there, does in a way bring someone else into your sex life and that is not cool. The dark side of the industry is a concern too and I can completely understand why a woman wouldn't want to be involved with a man that believes porn is okay when they believe it is morally and ethically abhorrent.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think the ED was partly due to his porn use? Many long term porn users can no longer get aroused by normal sex with a live person.


It's hard to say what happened before I met him but I definitely think it was made worse by the porn. He could get it up a lot more if I played along with his fetish, which I did for a while because it was a pretty mainstream thing.

But I got tired of being there to be part of his fetish. I knew what was on his browser history.


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## .351997 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> y





DownByTheRiver said:


> It just depends on each individual person. I think people should masturbate whenever they feel like it. I think they should supplement their relationship with masturbation whether they are male or female. I just look upon it as healthy maintenance. I think each person goes through different times when they are more and less sexual. As a woman I think that mainly depends on if they were some way emotionally or mentally stimulated, but they do have the basic physical need as well but it just isn't as often as men usually although there are exceptions and you'll meet a couple on here.
> 
> One thing it's important to know is that young women are curious enough to try different things, but as time goes by, they're not necessarily going to keep doing things they don't really enjoy. Men expecting them to has become a bigger problem since widespread porn use.


Good feedback, thank you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If I was in a happy relationship with regular sex, I don't think I would feel the need to use porn. Porn is a release, the real thing is much better...  Porn is one of those things you have to be smart around.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> If I was in a happy relationship with regular sex, I don't think I would feel the need to use porn. Porn is a release, the real thing is much better...  Porn is one of those things you have to be smart around.


When your body just really needs the physical release, you don't need porn or anything else to make that happen. 

And of course especially for women and especially while dating, having regular sex does not mean you're having regular orgasms, so it's often necessary to supplement that with masturbation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When your body just really needs the physical release, you don't need porn or anything else to make that happen.
> 
> And of course especially for women and especially while dating, having regular sex does not mean you're having regular orgasms, so it's often necessary to supplement that with masturbation.


You see, for me porn is something that makes masturbation slightly more pleasurable, although, as I said, not really comparable to the real thing. When I look at porn I look for body shapes similar to my wife's, because that's what I really want (wanted). You have to be smart with porn. It's an aid and it can be beneficiary, but it's a bit like food... too much and it will ruin your life.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You see, for me porn is something that makes masturbation slightly more pleasurable, although, as I said, not really comparable to the real thing. When I look at porn I look for body shapes similar to my wife's, because that's what I really want (wanted). You have to be smart with porn. It's an aid and it can be beneficiary, but it's a bit like food... too much and it will ruin your life.


You got rid of your avatar.

Anyway, yes the visual makes masturbation better for me. I am really good about fantasizing, but I just like the visual of the penis in the vagina when I masturbate. I do not like to see the people’s faces and I do not like a major big time production as far as porn goes. I just like when there is a visual of the penis thrusting and cumming in the vagina. When I watch porn I’m usually fantasizing about one thing and just using the porn as a visual aid and inserting my own fantasy over the porno. I’m normally not fantasizing over the couple screwing on camera, but inserting my own fantasy of me and whoever I’m thinking about.

The one problem I have found is that during actual partnered sex I now prefer to be able to watch what’s going on, like with a mirror or something. I can’t get as aroused or have as much pleasure if I can’t see the penis thrusting in and out and the cum and all that. It’s not good enough for me to just feel it and experience but I need the visual. So this either results in us watching porn, watching our own videos that we have made, or I need a mirror in front of me or under me, etc. Once I realized this was happening I decided to lay off porn for a while to see if I can get over my dependence on always having a visual aid. It’s still a work in progress. I think porn is great but I do admit it can negatively effect things sometimes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> You got rid of your avatar.


It's back... the image got corrupted somehow...


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It just depends on each individual person. I think people should masturbate whenever they feel like it. I think they should supplement their relationship with masturbation whether they are male or female. I just look upon it as healthy maintenance. I think each person goes through different times when they are more and less sexual. As a woman I think that mainly depends on if they were some way emotionally or mentally stimulated, but they do have the basic physical need as well but it just isn't as often as men usually although there are exceptions and you'll meet a couple on here.
> 
> One thing it's important to know is that young women are curious enough to try different things, but as time goes by, they're not necessarily going to keep doing things they don't really enjoy. Men expecting them to has become a bigger problem since widespread porn use.


There was an error with my profile and I had to register again on the site. All of my previous posts just have a weird 3 with a purple background. Sorry for any confusion.

Thank you for your feedback. I agree that people should masturbate when their tension needs to be relieved. There are also many points when someone's sex drive will rise and fall.


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> It varies but about 5x week. As much as 10x week. Depends on him and what’s going on.


I'm the original poster, but I had to register again because of a mistake with my profile. Sorry for ant confusion.

Thank you for being open about your frequency of sexual relations. To be honest 5x a week is more than I though married couples were willing to have. 10x a week seems unreal haha but I'm happy for you and your husband.


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would argue that many Christians believe it is forbidden in the Bible. Not that I prescribe to that belief. My understanding is it would only be okay if you were doing it with your spouse. Then it is just an extension of sex with your spouse. My understanding is that any sexual desires must be relieved with your spouse, hence no sex before marriage and no masturbation. Again, I don't prescribe to that belief.
> 
> @NewGenerationMan I'm not a woman, but I've been married to one (only one) for 32 years. My wife knows I have used porn. She doesn't seem to really care so long as it doesn't impact our relationship. We've even watched it together on occasion, but not often. I have never used any of the live cam sites where you interact with the performer. To me that is way too close to an affair/cheating. We've never discussed it specifically, but I am positive my wife would not approve at all. Another reason I haven't done it.
> 
> ...


Yes I appreciate you taking the time to write this post. Thank you for sharing. And congratulations on being married so many years! That's awesome.


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I'm 41 and divorced. I would have no issue knowing about your past use of porn when you describe it in the way you have:
> View attachment 79750
> 
> 
> ...


I'm the original poster, but there was a problem with my profile and I had to register on the site again. My previous posts now have a weird looking 3 with a purple background. Sorry for any confusion.

With that out of the way, thank you for responding to this thread. I value your opinion as a woman who's older than me.

Now to answer your questions. I don't think I would use porn if I were in a marriage where sex was frequent. However, I can't say with 100% certainty because I'm not married. My porn use is not nearly as frequent as it used to be. At its height, I would watch porn daily. However, now I watch porn maybe twice a month, and when I do it's usually because I'm really stressed, not because I need a sexual release. I've successfully gotten my porn viewing down to a lower level. 

Of course, I don't really want to marry someone unless I've beaten the habit of porn completely. And I'm confident I will be able to do that soon.


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When your body just really needs the physical release, you don't need porn or anything else to make that happen.
> 
> And of course especially for women and especially while dating, having regular sex does not mean you're having regular orgasms, so it's often necessary to supplement that with masturbation.


I agree. If the tension is so high that your body _needs_ it, then you can make it happen anytime.


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## 352013 (Nov 5, 2021)

DinoMom said:


> 43 year old, married, and a Mom.
> 
> Porn isn’t going to be “the reason” or the problem in an otherwise good relationship or marriage. And there’s no reason for it to be a major problem in your life.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing on this thread. I think the reason why most people watch porn is because they're trying to fill something other than just sexual desire. For me, my porn viewing was at its worst when I was stressed and overburdened.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NewGenerationMan said:


> I'm the original poster, but I had to register again because of a mistake with my profile. Sorry for ant confusion.
> 
> Thank you for being open about your frequency of sexual relations. To be honest 5x a week is more than I though married couples were willing to have. 10x a week seems unreal haha but I'm happy for you and your husband.


my OP comment wasn't to you but another who seems to have to comment often times not on topic to each post I make. Your fine.

I'm surprised your thread hasn't exploded cause we have many with strong opinions on this topic. But I think the 2nd or 3rd post was someone doubting you..

We also get like bloggers and researchers who come and make stuff up just to see what people with say. Those thread get shunned.

I'm taking you at your post and I"m not ashamed of my life/sexuality or what have you so I don't mind answering.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm an unmarried woman in my late 60s. I think it's perfectly fine to masturbate, but the longer I live the more harm I have seen come from watching porn. My biggest objection to it is the exploitation and humiliation of women. Even those who chose to get paid for doing it have some unhealthy reasons for doing so. Many had no choice in the matter.
> 
> So I do think it's immoral. I don't really have a problem with reading porn, and watching anime porn because it doesn't involve real women. I'm not comfortable with those because they are still objectifying women and still have the element of humiliation, dehumanizing women and boiling them down to sex.
> 
> ...


Great post with so many valid points. 👍


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DinoMom said:


> 43 year old, married, and a Mom.
> 
> Porn isn’t going to be “the reason” or the problem in an otherwise good relationship or marriage. And there’s no reason for it to be a major problem in your life.
> 
> ...


Very well said.


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