# Falling into depression



## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Gosh such a long story. Please bare with me. 
Hi my name is Nicole and iv been married for almost 6 years. I am a military wife. I also have to beautiful children 8 and 4 year olds. ❤ 
My marriage has been far from perfect. I work my own business as a massage therapist and spray tanning. My husband is army. I gave up a lot to support his career, yes I know what I was getting into and I'm okay supporting my husband while he supports America. So the thing about my husband is he shows absolutely no emotion what so ever. 

My husband has hurt me from mental abuse to infidelity. I made a vow to stay with him even when the times get rough. But here lately I just seem like I'm hitting rock bottom in our marriage and I need his support more than anything and he just looks though me. I have done marriage therapy ALONE he didn't show up to any. Iv done a lot of therapy alone. I have tried to tell him in every way how un happy I am and he just don't get it. He shows me absolutely nothing but hate towards me. I want to leave but I don't want to give up. When I had talked about leaving he tells me that's not what he wants but he won't ever try. 

I cry everyday. I feel so alone and I have no family to turn to for help. I'm beginning to have no self love for myself since he tells me my feelings are my fault. I don't know what to do any more. 
Please advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Sweetie, I don't have a lot of advice for you, since I married a veteran who was already retired. We moved around a lot for his contracting jobs. But talk to Thorburn on here or read his posts. Someone suggested he has a lot of experience with veterans' issues. My husband AND my stepfather (in the reserves after his tours in Vietnam) were in Desert Storm and it messed with their heads, their bodies, and their souls. 

There are other things about the military that make me crazy, and I get a lot of blow-back from my h's mother when I have suggested these things once of twice, but infidelity is RIFE in the military. It is part of the institutional ethos, and if a young private gets in with the wrong CO, it is ingrained in them that it is just part of the job. My h used to brag about his friends getting a girlfriend at every new post, and moving every two years meant the military solved that problem for them, ending the relationship by issuing new orders, and cycle started again. My h's first marriage collapsed under the weight of his first wife being at home alone with the kids and having a revolving door of servicemen while he was away on deployment. And he himself was involved with one woman that probably would have married him had he not been deployed in Europe and she began dating someone else. Relationships are a dime a dozen in the military. Keep in mind that the Vietnam war era was also the era of free love. 

I'm really glad you're in therapy. Keep it up. Depression is insidious and evil and it kills everything you feel for anything or anybody. Is there a group on base for wives with husbands on long tours of duty? People here who are able to help you are going to ask you for more details about the infidelity, most likely, so they can know how to help you. 

If he's been unfaithful, follow the advice here, detach, and maybe get evidence. He doesn't want you to leave or end the marriage because he wants it all, the home fires burning, the independent wife pulling her financial weight and raising the kids, and the piece on the side. And the military feeds that cyclical aspect and the sense of entitlement to do just that. 

You have to start looking out for you. 

Yes, honey, you are supporting someone who is serving America, and I've got bad news. America isn't serving you back. Those of us dealing with veterans and their issues are doing it alone, one family at a time. But things are supposedly getting better for this younger crop who have seen tours in Afghanistan, so please keep trying to find resources that work for you. I wish I could recommend some but do touch base with Thorburn. You can send him a PM or look for his posts. 

Good luck, sweetie.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Does your H feel honor in serving his country? Perhaps ask him if he could ever betray his country. Then ask him if he feels any honor towards his family. Perhaps remind him that his family is part of that country and he should be protecting them from all threats both foreign and domestic. Perhaps remind him that he took a vow to you just as he did to his country and we cannot pick and choose which vows to keep and which ones to break.

Thank you for supporting a man who is serving his country. I am saddened however that he is letting his family down in the process. Be strong for your children and never lose site of the fact that being their mother is the most important job you will ever have. Apparently, they will need someone from whom they can learn integrity, commitment and empathy. Do not let one mans ineptness destroy you. Good fortune to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know you say you want to stay married, but let's be logical here. He doesn't show any love. He cheats on you. He abuses you. And you are utterly alone.

You were duped. He LIED to you, basically. You are allowed to leave this sham of a marriage.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Is there a Place where I can write out my whole story?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Sure, just write it here. Sometimes if people have a long story, they break it up into a series of posts.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Just since you said people would ask me more questions I figured I would just lay it all out on the table. Im not good at navigating this form yet. 

I know no one can tell me what to do the choice is ultimately mine, but like stated in the previous post I don't have any family support and I feel completely alone and Im hoping to use this forum as a support group for me. 

So the whole story from start to finish.

I meet my husband through my cousin. We all three went to the movies the night I was to meet him. We both hit it off great. At the time I was a single mother of a 6 month old. He was aware of this from the get go. While we was still in the talking mode he had told me he didn't want to date since I had a child. It broke my heart so I called everything off. Well a couple months down the road he decided he wants something to do with me. All this time I don't let him meet my son. Well after a couple of months pass he comes on orders to deploy. We still are not dating at this time and he still has not meet my son. Hell he has not even taken me on a real date. usually I just go to his apt and hang out. So he deploys..... I was heart broken I really liked this guy. While he is deployed I started liking someone else one of my best friends. I had no idea what was going on so I was just going to move on. Well right before he comes home for R&R he writes me and tells me he thinks he is in love with me and he don't care I have a child and blah blah blah. comes home for R&R meets my son and we had the best 2 weeks. He leaves and in one of our conversations I had told him I was talking to another guy in the begnning cause I didn't know what was going on and he told me he didn't want to date cause I had a child. He freaked out on me and we didn't talk the rest of the deployment. 

Well The DAY he comes back from deployment he calls me to come over to his hotel to talk. I have moved on and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He begs me to come anyways. Mind you I feel like I feel in love when I met him I have never had a guy make me feel like this even tho he was and ass from the get go. So I go over there and we decide to take it slow and get back together.. everything goes smooth for a couple months but then......... I find messages from his best friend calling each other husband and wife and other things like she turns him on. I thought maybe if I gave him a choice me or him it would stop but he just lied and said it stopped but it didn't stop until I found out I was pregnant and I then said I would never go anywhere with him because he was still talking to the other girl. He finally stopped talking to her but then his guy friends got super mean with me saying stuff like push her down the stairs and get rid of both of them, or he would go out with them and wouldn't answer his phone until the next day  I ended up kicking him out. Well that didn't last he used his charm and was living back with me within two weeks. We ended up getting married and moving to South Carolina. I finally though everything would get better and it did or so I thought it did. I went to school he worked, we bought a house and life was great until I found out he had a secret FB for over 6 months. He told people on there I was crazy. So many messages to so many girls. I was crushed  I wanted to leave again but he promised me he was sorry and all that junk. He also got involved with another girl there that he worked with I can't prove they sleep together but they did go on TDY together and they would text all night long. Well when we move to Hawaii he has to go to a schooling class and I needed up going to see my father who had cancer since I knew I wouldn't get to see him for a long time living so far away. When I came back I had found text messages where he told another girl who he had worked with "he would love to finish what they started" She turned him down cause she knew he was married. Now since living in Hawaii things have been a bit better. I still hurt a lot. I don't nag him I don't bring up ****. I work my but off take care of the kids I dress nice and work out. I try to be the best wife and I try so hare for him to want me. He has never truly said sorry for all the things he has done. He don't hold me kiss me nothing. I have been so unhappy for such along time. My father passed away and I hold a lot of resent towards him cause I was so wrapped up in trying to save my marriage that I didn't spend time with my father who I knew was dying. I still love him and everyone tells me how stupid I am for that.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are with the wrong person if you want love and affection. Read your post and look at his behavior and pattern. His lack of love and respect has affected your mental well-being.

You overlooked so many red flags that you gotten in the mess you are in. You keep making bad decisions and you still make them by being with him and that adds onto your misery. Even from the standpoint of his friends, that is also a red flag. People usually are friends with like-minded people.

If you believe that a parent should have their children best wishes, what does having a father like him provide as a role model? By staying with him, you are also giving a less nurturing environment to your children. You should not have kids with him if you cannot choose that person to be their role model.

So you want love, fulfillment,and being cherished, but you picked the wrong person for that and the longer you stay in this environment, you are choosing misery. You are choosing to stay miserable by being with him. You may love him, but what you love about him is probably superficial. There is probably a strong attraction because when it comes to qualities, you lost.

Al love is not healthy. Love is a drive like a sex drive. The best way is to detach and gain some distance. Work on you. The more you change and improve your self worth, the more boundaries and the more empowerment you provide yourself.

I love myself too much to allow myself to be treated like that. I would not have wasted the amount of years being that miserable. Been there as a child and nearly took my own life. The only person who can help me was first me. I had to take that first step.

You want to trust him, and that iswhy you are trapped in your position. He gives you scraps and you are hungry for it. His words are enough, not his actions and pattern. If you follow your logic rather than your emotional and love drive, you would make plans to leave. Your issue is you keep trusting and listening to your emotions and they keep letting you down. You let yourself down. You let your children down.

You know you need to take the first step and choose yourself and your children. Relationships are never guaranteeed. You have to think that leaving him is a success because it allows you to have another chance, to be fulfilled.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Thank you so much Mr.Fisty I know you are right Im just not sure how to proceed with the next steps. He has nothing to say that I am a bad mother but when I talked about leaving he told me he would take our little girl from me and that also is a big reason I have not left. Im not sure if its okay to say this but I would rather live sad then for him to take my baby away from me. Im scared 
I also don't know if its just the state of mind that I'm in or not but I feel like I won't ever find anyone who will be true and faithful to me. Most of all my friends have been cheated on man and women. I feel like none one ever stays together anymore. Im only 28 but Im very old fashion. I have a old soul. I want courtship and I want to treat my husband like he is my ling as well. I feel like I won't ever find someone who shares the same interest as I do. I have such a big heart for everyone even people who have done me wrong I would still try and save them. I just feel like I have never received that back.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are allowing yourself to be trapped. He will have some custody no matter what, but he cannot take away your child.

Be proactive. Find out instead of listening to him. He does not sound like the truthful type. It is better to have custody half of the time than being raised in that terrible environment. At least when you have your child, you can provide a stable, nurturing, loving environment. Being with him is also affecting your ability to be a mother.

Find out what your state's laws is on about recording him privately.

In a court hearing, child therapist has a lot of power. Find a therapist for your children.

Your mindset is keeping you trapped. Find hobbies and friends that bring you fulfillment outside of your marriage. Improve your job situation. Find a shark of a lawyer.

Here is some knowledge. An environment is really important in children's development. That includes the people around them. You are also a factor. Your children have a high probability of turning out like him or you. Perhaps a combination of both.

Viewing yourself, and him as of now, is that what you want for your children?


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Thank you so much I really needed your encouraging words.


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

He sounds like a really bad egg, and I myself am dealing with a somewhat bad egg. Anybody who cheats no matter the circumstance is showing blatent disrespect for their spouse. 

Please do not stay with someone if you are absolutely miserable, and that is how it sounds. The problem with therapy is that they have to want to go. It doesnt sound like he is a team player with you and the kids from the cheating and emotional abuse you described. You have your own business and depending on your area you can do really really well doing those! You can have a faithful and fulfilling relationship. Please tell him how him not wanting to go to therapy makes you feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nicolerae,

Mr. Fisty has given you some very good input. He's one smart cookie!!

It's unclear to me if your husband is still in the military? Is he? If so I guess that means that your are in Hawaii because he is stationed there. Because of this you need to see an attorney who is very familiar with military divorce. There are special rules.. such as I think that you can file for divorce in your home state. You might be able to leave with your children and file from home. So find an attorney in Hawaii and do a lot of internet searching to find out your rights in divorce.

Your husband cannot take your child away from you. As Mr. Fisty says, stop listening to your husband. He's going to tell you things that give him the advantage in the hope that you will believe him. Well, don't believe him. Find out what the laws are. Do not tell your husband that you are looking into all this. Just do it and get better educated on the topic. Knowledge is power.

From what you have said, your husband is emotionally abuse. But is there more? Does he ever hit you? push you? or do things like grab your arm, put his hands around your neck? Does he do things like pound on furniture in anger, punch wall, throw things, break things? This is important and would be very good to know so we can help you.

Even if he is not physically violent, he is seriously emotionally abusive. I highly suggest that you call the domestic abuse hot line and 1 800 799 7233 and find a place locally where you can get support through counseling and any other type of support that they have. They will often have a list of lawyers who will help victims of abuse on a pro-bono (free) basis. You need to build a support system and this is the first step in doing that.

How much family do you have back home? You mention a cousin. There anyone else, like a good friend, who you can turn to?

As you can see, emotional abuse can destroy your health, your feelings of self worth and a lot more. You need to start protecting yourself. My suggestion is that you start interacting towards your husband according to the 180... see the link in my signature block below for the 180. Doing this will help you become a lot stronger emotionally and help you start to separate from him so that you can leave.

Years ago I was leaving a bad marriage and so went to a place that provided counseling for victims of domestic abuse. In the intake interview I the counselor asked me what I hoped to get out of counseling. I said that I wanted to figure out why I ended up in a relationship with an abusive man so I would never pick such a man again. Her answer that was the answer to that is simple. She could tell me why....

She said that I did not pick him, he picked me. What she explained is that abusers do things to select a person who will allow themselves to be abused. They way it works is that they do something little that is a red flag. Now a woman with good boundaries would drop him the moment he did this thing. But a woman with weak boundaries makes excuses for him and changes herself. 

When I read your post above telling your longer history, it's full of these little tests he did. And you failed every time. Every time he did some thing cruel, cheated, etc., you found a way to make excuses and let him back into your life. I'm not beating up on here, please know that. I'm trying to get to you understand how you got where you are and what you need to do to make sure that you never do this again... even with your husband.

You say that you fear that you will never find a good man. The way to find a good man is to have strong boundaries. Good men have strong boundaries and expect any woman they are with to have strong boundaries. There are some very good books out there on setting boundaries. Check out amazon and get one or two and figure out what you want in your life.

Right now one of your boundaries has to be the 180. 

Another boundary is that you will not stay in a marriage where your husband mistreats you, cheats on you, etc.

(Note that the boundary talks about what you do. It does not say what you tell him to do. It's what you do. He's cheated, lied, and mistreated you. YOU will not stay in such a relationship.) 

Please get into counseling. I know that you said that you have had a lot of counseling. But you need someone right now who can be your support system.

Please see a lawyer and research divorce laws in your state and military laws if he's still in the military.

And since you do not have much of a support system where you are, I highly suggest that you keep posting here so that you have a support system here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nicole, there is no way in HELL he can get custody of your child. Please believe us. Go to unitedway.org and ask them to help you find a lawyer you can afford and MOVE ON. 

You made a LOT of mistakes early on, but you can learn from them and make a decent life for you and your kids now. 

He will NEVER GET BETTER.


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## Nicolerae (Oct 18, 2015)

Thank you all so very much. You have no idea how much this all means to me. He is still in the military and we are about to move back to the mainland in two months. I just recently had foot surgery so its kind of complicating things for me. I do plan on leaving once we move because there is no way I can afford to live in Hawaii and I have no family to turn to back home. My father passed, my mother is in a living assistant home not doing well and my sister has two kids living in a one bedroom condo. I know that its not smart to stay but I have to make sure I can support my kids and myself as well. He don't lay his hand on me when we fight he will fall asleep in fights or stare right through me. I have talked to him about getting a divorce before and I guess he don't believe me like mentioned in above I give him to many chances. I will contact them numbers and try to get more help as well. As of right now Im just sleeping on the couch and he has no care in the world. I feel so pathetic cause all I really want is for him to come down here and scoop me up in his arms and tell me he cares. We all know that will not happen. Its funny how I also have known for a while that it was always going to be this way. I found a journal entry from 2014 and I felt the exact same way as I do now. I never thought I would become this person.


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