# Expectations of your spouse



## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

My wife and I had a good conversation yestday about each others expectations as a lot of ours were not being met and it was becoming stressful for both of us. 

We've been married for 3 years, we are both 26 now. I work a Mon-Fri 8-5 office job. She works 3-4 days / week at a dental office 8-3ish

My expectations of her:

Clean House
Cook Dinner (Most of the time) 
Prepare Lunch for Work, usually leftovers (Most of the time)
Go out with me to activitites I enjoy (as I do with her)
Have alone time without the dogs in the house a couple times a month
Surprise me with something on occasion (i.e. hey honey I brought you your favorite cookies, etc.) She has purchased more things for the dogs than for me.
Stick to our Financial Budget

Her expectations of me:

Take care of our Yard (we live in the country)
take trash out
Help with indoor household chores
cook once in a while
be more detail oriented (flowers, chocolates, little stuff)

What are your expectations of each other?


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Lots of banging. And what you said above.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a very good book that could help the two of you do more of this work. See the link in my signature block below... "His Needs, Her Need". I suggest that the two of you read it and then do the exercises in it. We read iti to each other taking turns reading a chapter at a time and discussing it.

Your list is a good start. Now what you need to do is to find out what each of those means. For example "help with indoor chores" is very unclear.. what chores, when....

How many hours a week does it take to do the yard work? How many hours does it take to do the indoor chores? I just wonder because she expects help with indoor chores.. but does she help with outdoor chores?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

- sex, at least a couple times a week, and fulfilling for both of us
- tell me when things bother him
- listen when things bother me
- work with me to get past any issues/problems
- work together to do the mundane day to day things - we don't 'assign' chores
- not make any life altering decisions without consultation first
- not cheat on me (by our unique definition of cheating)
- we should be each others main source of 'fun' - holidays together, social events, walks, exercising together, etc.
- contribute financially
- be affectionate - kiss bye in the morning, hold hands, tell each other we love each other, use the 5 Love Languages


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

We split the cooking, laundry and cleaning depending on who has more time and is inclined to do it. No one person does all the cooking or cleaning. 

I do more of the grocery shopping, but he will notice when some essential item is low and he'll get that on the way home from work. 

I'm more hands on with doctors appointments, school stuff, talking to teachers, picking up/dropping off to extracurricular activities, but he does more than the average dad that I know. 

I also remember to send people cards for special occasions, buy gifts for Christmas, chat/stay in touch with relatives. He's perfectly happy to let me do that. 

The only thing that he pretty much takes on exclusively for himself is car care. I'm a total girl when it comes to cars. He's the one deals with the mechanics, check the oil, changes tires, etc.

I expect both of us 
-to remain loyal to each other
-not bad mouth each other to outsiders
-be each other's best friend
-be physically affectionate to each other
-remain physically fit (not model thin but normal weight for our height)
-provide each other with a satisfactory (quality and frequency)intimate life
-stick to the budget we've agreed
-parent the way we've agreed to parent
-not make any big life altering decisions without discussing it first


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We don't have expectations of each other. We just do what needs to get done. If something doesn't get done, we are not going to get upset with each other and hold resentments. We both work as hard as we possibly can with maintaing a structured lifestyle. Before I became disabled with my neck injury I was able to do a lot more like mowing the yard, cleaning the garage, shoveling the driveway, ect... Now I no longer am able to do those tasks. I'm now restricted to housework, ironing, raising the children, cooking, paying bills, taking care of the animals and my hobbies. My husband works, does the yard work, 100% of the shopping, sometimes he helps with supper dishes, and he exercises every night . We also work hard at meeting each others needs. 

This works well with us.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

I try not to place any expectations on the Mister and visa versa. It just sets each other up for disappointment, imo. After nearly 2 decades we've fallen into a routine. We're familiar with each other's strengths and weaknesses. When ones falls behind, the other shows their support and picks up the slack.

As a newlywed, I can see how a list of expectations could help, though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You guys don't expect sex, love, money, anything ???


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, but we have a very healthy intimate life and are very afficonate towards each other holding hands every night. We work hard meeting each others needs without expectations. We take out time every night for each other without any interruption. I do not expect money either. My husband works very hard to provide for us on his own. We are very good with self discipline.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You guys don't expect sex, love, money, anything ???


:iagree:

Don't people have expectations when they get married? Don't most of us expect at least fidelity, emotional support and companionship? I expect that when I slipped that ring on my husband's finger, he would remain faithful to me. That's one expectation and a big one at that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, but we have a very healthy intimate life and are very afficonate towards each other holding hands every night. We work hard meeting each others needs without expectations. We take out time every night for each other without any interruption. I do not expect money either. My husband works very hard to provide for us on his own. We are very good with self discipline.


So you would be OK with him just not having sex with you suddenly. Or quitting his job unexpectedly. Or cheating.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation. 


I know this only works in theory unless you actually met the PERFECT person, but one should enter a relationship on what they 'expect' to give, not receive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ostera said:


> Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation.
> 
> 
> I know this only works in theory unless you actually met the PERFECT person, but one should enter a relationship on what they 'expect' to give, not receive.


This is a nice sentiment. However in real life it does not work that way. 

People need to have a certain amount of expections expressed as boundaries or they can end up walked all over and abused. There is a threshold of expectations that must exist for the marriage to continue.

If they are there then you can have to giving attitude.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ostera said:


> Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation.


I see. So when my husband cheated on me, I should have been OK with it because I had unrealistic expectations of fidelity?!?! If he suddenly quit his job, or quits having sex with me, or quits being affectionate, I should be ok with that?!?!

Sorry, I don't swing that way.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So you would be OK with him just not having sex with you suddenly. Or quitting his job unexpectedly. Or cheating.


I know my husband well enough not to do these things. I just told him the other day if he ever wants to change careers I'll support him 100%. My husband is a very honorable man. We do have boundaries, but boundaries in my opinion are separate from expectations.

This works for us and we have a very fulfilling and successful marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> boundaries in my opinion are separate from expectations.


Ah. See, I agree with Elegirl about boundaries and expectations being intertwined. 

I do know what you mean about saying you 'expect' certain things. it sounds demanding. If you prefer to call a tomAYto a tomAto I won't argue!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I see. So when my husband cheated on me, I should have been OK with it because I had unrealistic expectations of fidelity?!?! If he suddenly quit his job, or quits having sex with me, or quits being affectionate, I should be ok with that?!?!
> 
> Sorry, I don't swing that way.


It think that many expectations are implied ...

- Don't cheat on me
- Stay employed 
- Be affectionate
- Have sex

They are implied, but when they aren't happening, you might need to state them in your expectations.

For me ... my wife withholds sex and isn't very affectionate, so I would mention those in our expectations. But I wouldn't include 'don't cheat on me', as that hasn't happened (that I am aware of).

By the way Hope ... I like your avatar. You are quite attractive and I would never guess your age.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

That's not Hope. It's the original Athena from Battlestar Galactica. Ok, at first I thought it was Hope too.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

i expect to be disspointed


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

we have expectations for one another...

love
honesty
sex
one of us will do everything in our power to notice the other person, and pay attention to them.
we both cook, we both clean
we both expect to not have a third person in the marriage

we both expect the other one to use good judgement
we both expect equal time as couch commando
we both expect the other person to take feelings, and thoughts into consideration when making decisions 

there is prob more, but thats my list for now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> That's not Hope. It's the original Athena from Battlestar Galactica. Ok, at first I thought it was Hope too.


Yep  I did look kinda like that when I WAS that age tho!!!!

Why do people think it's me?? I don't automatically think someones av pic is of themselves :scratchhead: Maybe I am weird.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

That's why I said it only works in theory.. I have found that I sometime set myself up when I start expecting things.. I'm not talking laundry, cooking,etc. My BPD stbxw was an absolute taker for the 3 yrs we were together.. she never met any of my expectation except at the beginning.. when I asked why the change. She said I was trying to impress you (hooked).


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I see. So when my husband cheated on me, I should have been OK with it because I had unrealistic expectations of fidelity?!?! If he suddenly quit his job, or quits having sex with me, or quits being affectionate, I should be ok with that?!?!
> 
> Sorry, I don't swing that way.






That's isn't what I meant... on an emotional side there are expectaion. I am talking about the mundane things... I expect to be loved, intimate, etc. I received none of those from my BPD wife after about six months... My marriage was 1 way for 3 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ostera said:


> That's isn't what I meant... on an emotional side there are expectaion. I am talking about the mundane things... I expect to be loved, intimate, etc. I received none of those from my BPD wife after about six months... My marriage was 1 way for 3 years.


What are you calling "mundane things"


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Hope, also know that mu wife cheated on me multiple times. Played the games, I took her back with all the promises,etc. I didn't know until about a month ago that BPD's can't have meaningful relationships.. I married an absolute gorgeous woman who has no moral compass... not until counseling did I find out she has cheated on everyone she has been with for 35 yrs. She's 52.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What are you calling "mundane things"




laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. (the only thing I didn't do in my marriage was the laundry. I cooked (she didn't know how {seriouly}), I dusted I vacuumed, grocery shopped, etc. I married a 'princess' (BPD). I eventually didn't get any of my emotional needs met. I was the butler/maid.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ostera said:


> Hope, also know that mu wife cheated on me multiple times. Played the games, I took her back with all the promises,etc. I didn't know until about a month ago that BPD's can't have meaningful relationships.. I married an absolute gorgeous woman who has no moral compass... not until counseling did I find out she has cheated on everyone she has been with for 35 yrs. She's 52.


Ok...........


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I expect my husband to pay the bills and be a good father. Expecting anything more is just setting myself up for disappointment. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Expectations...... I'd have to take the stance that sometimes having them does set us up for disappointment as both Hubs and I've had our share of them before we met and after...... 

What works for us now is trying to keep in mind how we, ourselves, would like to be treated in each separate circumstance: 

sex - as long as both needs are met each time, we're happy, infidelity - in our case, this is more than EAs/PAs 
chores - we do it all together, that is when he's home (he's gone 3 weeks at a time for work - during that time, I willingly take care of everything)
money - no matter who 'brings home the bacon' it's our $$ so it's our decision on how it's spent. 
jobs - we both have them; he works outside the home; I'm a domestic Goddess (that's what he calls it anyway! Lol)
kids - grown & gone now but worked together in order to get that accomplished. 

I think it has a lot to do with what your attitude is toward it. You can refer to it as 'expectations' and do it for that reason or you can say it's out of mutual love, respect, & admiration for each other. We prefer the latter.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

OK, big, no... HUGE if... IF boyfriend ever takes this to the next level, or assuming a similar situation as it relates to work levels, I expect:


Me to clean House or we pay someone to do it every 2 weeks
Me to cook Dinner (Most of the time, I like it) and him to grill
Me to prepare Lunch for kiddo - he works from home
Share o laundry
Go out with me a once a week with each other and alone w friends once a week OR go out w me AND friends once a week in lieu of above
Stick to our Financial Budget
Sex a couple times a week
Love each other and show it


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My husband and I were talking this out and he said he used to require faithfulness but now he demands fidelity. 

Over the years we have tweaked out our boundaries, requirements, and demands. I have changed to the demand of weekly dates. He has always required quality time, but I think it's a demand. He just needs to connect. It's his LL. 

I have known since we were 15/16 his requirement in the relationship is bjs. It's his bond to me. 

So I think demands/requirements/boundaries are what we all have.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't like the word demand =/


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I don't like the word demand =/


I can see that view point. For us, it's not a drain on me to give him his needs. Spending time with him is a joy. He can demand it, but I like doing it. 

We talk about a lot of things, he makes me laugh. We talk about work and tv and food and tam and kids. We talk about dreams and life plans or just a plan for the next day. 

I feel it's ok for him to demand faithfulness. Demand sex....well I wouldn't want it to be a demand, but a need and a want...a requirement I get that. I demand love, I require respect. 

It just depends on talks and an understanding of how the other person thinks. If it comes from negative places, I wouldn't be ok with it. 

I also demand I'm me and he is himself. He inspires me to be better, so I demand better of myself. 

Demands can come off harsh. But it works for us. We are all different and have different needs and different views.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, guess different strokes for different folks heh

I'm too proud and stubborn by nature to be happy knowing I'm doing something someone demanded lol - even if I enjoy it


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

All I expected was to be loved for who I was. 

Just to be cherished, respected and listened to. 

Everything else can go by the wayside.

I'm just a simple bloke with simple needs.


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