# Husband views on sex



## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Hi:
A little bit of backstory. Both of us were virgins when we got married so everything was pretty basic - no oral for example - until 5 years ago when i felt the need to spice things up, mainly because in 15 years of marriage i had never had an orgasm with him. I started doing oral on him but he never reciprocated. I have a very difficult time talking to him about sex because he becomes offended and uncomfortable. These 5 years I've tried many different things (articles, books, toys, porn, novels, etc) but nothing seems to help. It seems he doesnt enjoy fingering me and has no desire to perform oral (this is all my guessing since he won't talk about it). In the last arguments we've had he has mentioned that I was 'degrading our lovemaking because i'm seeking physical pleasure' and also that he feels 'violated when i ask him if he masturbates'. This has made me very self conscious about what i do or say to him. So our sex life pretty much has stopped. This makes me very sad and frustrated as Im a very sexual being and i'd love to connect with him in this area. He says I should respect him and not ask him to change and i get that but then, should i live my life without experiencing an orgasm during sex? without experiencing oral sex? Am I wrong to wish for those things? Im at a loss at what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wife40 said:


> Hi:
> A little bit of backstory. Both of us were virgins when we got married so everything was pretty basic - no oral for example - until 5 years ago when i felt the need to spice things up, mainly because in 15 years of marriage i had never had an orgasm with him. I started doing oral on him but he never reciprocated. I have a very difficult time talking to him about sex because he becomes offended and uncomfortable. These 5 years I've tried many different things (articles, books, toys, porn, novels, etc) but nothing seems to help. It seems he doesnt enjoy fingering me and has no desire to perform oral (this is all my guessing since he won't talk about it). In the last arguments we've had he has mentioned that I was 'degrading our lovemaking because i'm seeking physical pleasure' and also that he feels 'violated when i ask him if he masturbates'. This has made me very self conscious about what i do or say to him. So our sex life pretty much has stopped. This makes me very sad and frustrated as Im a very sexual being and i'd love to connect with him in this area. He says I should respect him and not ask him to change and i get that but then, should i live my life without experiencing an orgasm during sex? without experiencing oral sex? Am I wrong to wish for those things? Im at a loss at what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


No, you're not wrong, but you have allowed this to go on for a long time. And you're probably not going to get these things unless you're prepared to dump him, and even then any effort he makes will likely be phony. He's basically told you that he doesn't care if you enjoy yourself or not and that tells you a lot about how about he views you and sex. Probably watched a lot of porn where women exist for mens' pleasure and nothing else.

Decide what you can live with.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is he this selfish across the board, or only in the bedroom? 





wife40 said:


> Hi:
> A little bit of backstory. Both of us were virgins when we got married so everything was pretty basic - no oral for example - until 5 years ago when i felt the need to spice things up, mainly because in 15 years of marriage i had never had an orgasm with him. I started doing oral on him but he never reciprocated. I have a very difficult time talking to him about sex because he becomes offended and uncomfortable. These 5 years I've tried many different things (articles, books, toys, porn, novels, etc) but nothing seems to help. It seems he doesnt enjoy fingering me and has no desire to perform oral (this is all my guessing since he won't talk about it). In the last arguments we've had he has mentioned that I was 'degrading our lovemaking because i'm seeking physical pleasure' and also that he feels 'violated when i ask him if he masturbates'. This has made me very self conscious about what i do or say to him. So our sex life pretty much has stopped. This makes me very sad and frustrated as Im a very sexual being and i'd love to connect with him in this area. He says I should respect him and not ask him to change and i get that but then, should i live my life without experiencing an orgasm during sex? without experiencing oral sex? Am I wrong to wish for those things? Im at a loss at what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

i would say only in the bedroom.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

I agree Im at fault for having it let it go for too long. I was preoccupied with raising the kids and frankly too naive to know what sex is supposed to be like. But Ive been reading and wanting to change things around and see no response from him. I hope it doesnt have to come to a divorce though. I want to believe that change is possible?




lifeistooshort said:


> No, you're not wrong, but you have allowed this to go on for a long time. And you're probably not going to get these things unless you're prepared to dump him, and even then any effort he makes will likely be phony. He's basically told you that he doesn't care if you enjoy yourself or not and that tells you a lot about how about he views you and sex. Probably watched a lot of porn where women exist for mens' pleasure and nothing else.
> 
> Decide what you can live with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wife40 said:


> I agree Im at fault for having it let it go for too long. I was preoccupied with raising the kids and frankly too naive to know what sex is supposed to be like. But Ive been reading and wanting to change things around and see no response from him. I hope it doesnt have to come to a divorce though. I want to believe that change is possible?


But he might have to think it is coming to that before he has incentive to change things. When you have someone who isn't concerned with what troubles you and you're unwilling to leave then you really have no power at all and they have no real incentive to change anything to the extent that the marriage is working for them. That's why you need to decide what it's worth to you.

And FYI, I divorced my ex for a lot of reasons. The sex was lousy, like you I never had an orgasm with him because not only was he selfish but I didn't trust him enough to open up. Not that he was concerned with it anyway. 

Looking back though I wouldn't have divorced him at that time over sex if that was all it was. I remember my father telling me that if I'd never experienced a really passionate relationship I was missing out and it was something he thought everyone should have before they left this world. I didn't fully understand what he meant until I met my current husband. My father was so right, now that I've experienced real passion I feel bad for anyone that goes through life never having experienced it.

But only you can decide what's right for you and what you can live with.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Thanks for replying. That is one of my biggest fears, to go through life without experiencing a passionate sex life. He says sex is not as important as other things in life but i think it is a very important part of a marriage. It's the way you connect, the way you show the other how much you care. We've been married so long and have kids and a lot built up over the years. I can't believe he will let it all go because he doesnt want to address this issue? 



lifeistooshort said:


> But he might have to think it is coming to that before he has incentive to change things. When you have someone who isn't concerned with what troubles you and you're unwilling to leave then you really have no power at all and they have no real incentive to change anything to the extent that the marriage is working for them. That's why you need to decide what it's worth to you.
> 
> And FYI, I divorced my ex for a lot of reasons. The sex was lousy, like you I never had an orgasm with him because not only was he selfish but I didn't trust him enough to open up. Not that he was concerned with it anyway.
> 
> ...


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

This is why I am in favor of sex before marriage. So many guys and gals end up with lousy sex lives. Although my wife was a virgin when we got engaged, I told her we needed to have sex first to make sure we were sexually compatible. She arrived at my house covered in baby powder but by the end of the night she was no longer a virgin and I had a white chalk line on my dark brown sheets. 

I have given orgasms to women who never had them before. it was not difficult because I communicate with them and know about the clitoris and other female hot spots. I make them feel comfortable with their fantasies because when I tell them what I have done with others, theirs sound tame by comparison. I make them feel it is OK to be a naughty girl for a few hours and then go back to being a good girl again.

I was always surprised to hear how sexually ignorant their husbands were and unwillingness to try things. Try getting him to watch X-rated films so he can learn. Tell him what you like while watching it being performed on screen. If he loves you, he will try to learn how to please you. If not, your choices are to keep things as they are, divorce him or have an affair. I am not generally in favor of cheating but in certain circumstances it can greatly improve how the woman feels about herself and even bring back that vitality to her marriage. I have seen it work but also seen it fail. You will find a long line of guys willing to help you with your problem.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

I don't like to speak bad of him but the truth is that he doesn't know much about sex. Not that Im an expert but i've read and learnt quite a bit. The problem is that he hates to talk about sex so its difficult to communicate to him what i want or like. Plus he considers so many things taboo that Im not comfortable sharing my fantasies or desires with him...  I've considered the affair route, but it seems wrong and not who I am. However the thought of never having an orgasm or fun in bed makes me very sad...



len51 said:


> This is why I am in favor of sex before marriage. So many guys and gals end up with lousy sex lives. Although my wife was a virgin when we got engaged, I told her we needed to have sex first to make sure we were sexually compatible. She arrived at my house covered in baby powder but by the end of the night she was no longer a virgin and I had a white chalk line on my dark brown sheets.
> 
> I have given orgasms to women who never had them before. it was not difficult because I communicate with them and know about the clitoris and other female hot spots. I make them feel comfortable with their fantasies because when I tell them what I have done with others, theirs sound tame by comparison. I make them feel it is OK to be a naughty girl for a few hours and then go back to being a good girl again.
> 
> I was always surprised to hear how sexually ignorant their husbands were and unwillingness to try things. Try getting him to watch X-rated films so he can learn. Tell him what you like while watching it being performed on screen. If he loves you, he will try to learn how to please you. If not, your choices are to keep things as they are, divorce him or have an affair. I am not generally in favor of cheating but in certain circumstances it can greatly improve how the woman feels about herself and even bring back that vitality to her marriage. I have seen it work but also seen it fail. You will find a long line of guys willing to help you with your problem.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

That is a valid point. It's such a tough decision after 20 years of marriage and kids in the middle.





Personal said:


> It is highly likely sex with your husband will never improve, I doubt another 5 years of trying will help at all.
> 
> So it comes down to what you will accept and what you won't. As a sexual person if I were in your shoes I would divorce him and seek compatible partners. I cannot imagine being with a sexual partner without sharing orgasms.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wife40 said:


> Thanks for replying. That is one of my biggest fears, to go through life without experiencing a passionate sex life. He says sex is not as important as other things in life but i think it is a very important part of a marriage. It's the way you connect, the way you show the other how much you care. We've been married so long and have kids and a lot built up over the years. I can't believe he will let it all go because he doesnt want to address this issue?



Of course he says that, he gets to have orgasms. Its always the attitude of the one that takes. That's like the consistently broke person telling you money isn't everything while the consistently mooch off of you. Stop having sex with him at all and tell him sex isn't everything, see how that goes over.

Sex isn't that big of a deal when you're happy with it, it's when you're not that it becomes a huge deal. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course he says that, he gets to have orgasms. Its always the attitude of the one that takes. That's like the consistently broke person telling you money isn't everything while the consistently mooch off of you. Stop having sex with him at all and tell him sex isn't everything, see how that goes over.
> 
> Sex isn't that big of a deal when you're happy with it, it's when you're not that it becomes a huge deal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 We actually haven't had sex in a while, almost two months and he doesn't seem very phased by it. But Im a mess, not only because i would like to have sex but because i can't believe he chooses to ignore what I'm feeling. It's frustrating and very sad.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wife40 said:


> We actually haven't had sex in a while, almost two months and he doesn't seem very phased by it. But Im a mess, not only because i would like to have sex but because i can't believe he chooses to ignore what I'm feeling. It's frustrating and very sad.


Why don't you ask him how he'd feel of you got it elsewhere? If it's no big deal like he says he shouldn't care. 

Otherwise you need to make some decisions here. Have you considered that he might not be that into you? If bet he's either got another woman or he's watching a lot of porn. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Personal said:


> Yes it is a tough decision, and going down that path isn't always pleasant.
> 
> That said, having been divorced 22 years ago with a child, I don't regret the dissolution of my first marriage. Today I have a tremendous sex life and connection with my current (16 years married + 2 kids) sexual partner of 19 years.


I sometimes feel so stupid that i didnt see this before, maybe i wouldnt be in this situation if i had addressed things earlier. But getting divorced now at this age is very complicated and it's no guarantee I'll find a compatible partner. Very tough decision indeed. 

Im glad that your life turned out great.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why don't you ask him how he'd feel of you got it elsewhere? If it's no big deal like he says he shouldn't care.
> 
> Otherwise you need to make some decisions here. Have you considered that he might not be that into you? If bet he's either got another woman or he's watching a lot of porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It has crossed my mind that he has another woman. Either that or he has a tremendous blockage or issue with sex and I can't really help with that....


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

There was a saying posted on TAM a while back that really resonated with me- " The person that cares the least has the most power in a relationship".

It seems like most relationships need to see the end coming before changes can be made.

Please don't have an affair. Ask your husband to see a MC, read the 5 Love Languages & do your best to communicate your needs.

I never used to advocate divorce, but it took me getting to that point before my wife took me seriously.

I think he can change if he wants to. Give him the chance.

Then, if he refuses to work at it, you can divorce & look yourself in the mirror knowing you did not cheat. Cheating would only complicate future relationships as a lot of men will not date/marry anyone that has cheated in a relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

15 years and no O? Tell your boy to grow the hell up or risk losing you. I was giving Mrs. Conan explosive O's the first week because I wanted to know how. Oral or manual for her all the way. She loves PIV but it doesn't push her over the edge.

It's ok to stand up for yourself on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Disregard the advice about looking for it outside your marriage. The orgasms you would derive from an affair will pale in comparison with the emotional upheaval you, your husband and your children will experience. Believe me, you will be in a much, much worse situation that the one you are in right now.

It's better that you start the divorce proceedings. Your husband will then have to live with the knowledge that he destroyed his marriage. You will leave the marriage with your head held up high and with your honor and integrity intact.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Yep! :iagree:


Yupyup!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I empathise with Wife40....she has a husband who isn't interested in sex and isn't interested that his wife is.....I have a wife who is the same as 40's husband.

I wonder if my wife will ever live with the knowledge that she destroyed our marriage?
Doubt it...because its always the mans fault....some way or other.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

I appreciate everyone's advice and comments. There's a few things. I'm not sure he will ever see himself as the one who broke the marriage. He already tells me I'm ruining everything for an orgasm. Divorce is not an option for another 10 years at least. So the prospect of living frustrated for that amount of time is daunting. I'm not saying I'll go out and have an affair but I need to be realistic. I don't think I'm asking for too much of my husband. I just want to have a healthy satisfying sex life. Is there any way I can make him understand that sex can be loving and pleasurable? That an orgasm is in fact a good and desirable thing? He claims that I've taken the spontaneity and satisfaction out of our love making because he has to concentrate on stepa to make me have an orgasm. That I've made it all mechanical and not loving. I love him and I don't want to break up the family but I'm slowly dying inside. It's very sad.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Have you tried marriage counseling?

This is not about orgasms or sex, it's about a person refusing to meet an emotional need.

What are his emotional needs? Have you stopped meeting them?


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

He doesn't believe in therapy. He says it's not a science and therefore fake. He says he won't talk to a stranger about our problems. I think I am meeting his emotional needs. I ask him again and again what he would like me to do and he says everything is fine. The only thing I know he hates is me talking about all this so I try not to talk about it but it bubbles inside of me because I can't just sweep it under a rug. I need to get it out and talk about it to try and resolve it. I don't know what else to do for him.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

wife40, 
Your situation is like mine but in reverse. I am a man and my wife was the one who was very vanilla and not into sex. We will have been married 24 years this summer.

It took about two years to turn things around. The most important thing I did was sit down and have a straight talk with my wife. I basically said that I was very interested in passionate sex and was willing to do whatever it took to achieve that. However, I also was very clear that if she did not ALSO work toward that goal WITH me, that I was going to leave.

I believe the "talk" is what you need to do first. In order for your husband to change he needs to know that if he does not try his best to work with you, it's not that you will be disappointed or will pout for a couple days, YOU WILL LEAVE.

This is the ONLY thing that will get him to change.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Your husband has very strange views on sex and marriage in general.
I'm wondering where he got his weird notions of love, togetherness and reciprocation (or lack thereof). Can you tell us more about his upbringing and background?

Is he religious? This guy needs waking up! I'm not sure how you do it but something drastic. I personally don't believe threatening him with divorce, but maybe there's a friend, pastor, or councelor that can talk to him and beat some sense into him?

He needs counceling. I would tell him he has to go, and if he refuses, go yourself and see if the councelor can talk him into going. As far as therapy 'not being science'. That's bunk. Not that it is hard science, but so what? Lots of things are 'not science' and aid us every day. That shows his stupidity and stubborness. He's just making excuses.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If your H won't talk, go to therapy and he thinks he knows everything,(he clearly knows nothing), then you are stuck. You say divorce isn't an option for 10 years so you are at his mercy.

He could talk to us TAMmers but he probably won't, given what you have said about him.

You have basically said there is nothing you can do and your H won't do anything and it is going to be that way for ten more years.

That is a bleak picture. You should consider divorce or separation. He apparently doesn't care that much about your needs and is too stupid to even acknowledge they exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Sex is all about pleasure and ithe whole point is that both of you is to have orgasm. 

Not only for him but for you as well so he should understand that. It's not about him it's about your sexual pleasure as well.

If he doesn't get it you should seriously think about divorce because it only get worse if he doesn't change, which I have a funny feeling that he won't.

It's better be alone then being alone in two. He is stuck in his way and if he doesn't want to change , there is nothing you can do, unfortunately.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to become a teacher. You have to teach him the difference between orgasms and sexual fulfillment in a marriage. You have to teach him that there are things called emotional needs that are personal to each of you but vital for survival and happiness within a marriage. That you have needs and he has needs and each of you have to meet each other's needs.

How do you teach him this stuff?
1. Rephrase everything he says. Example: "You only care about orgasms" Reply: "No, I care about connection and fulfillment that sex enables". "I refuse counseling because it's not science", Reply: "So you are telling me that the long term survival of your marriage is unimportant to you?". "You are ruining everything for an orgasm", Reply "You are ruining everything by refusing to go to counseling".

2. Suggest books. His Needs / Her Needs and a book called the 5 Love Languages. Read them yourself anyway. And if he does not read them which he probably won't, then you can quote from them as situations arise.

3. Figure out what his main needs are and stop meeting them. Tell him that you are tired of being a doormat and since he won't meet your needs, then you won't bother meeting his needs. Let him realize that he will get his needs met once he shows a willingness to meet yours.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wife40
This is such a difficult situation. There is a lot of variation in how important sex is to people. For some (like your husband or my wife), it just isn't that big a deal, they don't see why it matters. For others, like you and myself, it is a vitally important part of life and love. You will see many HD/LD (high desire, low desire) threads here because this is such a big problem to a lot of people. 

There is nothing wrong with you for thinking that sex is critical to your happiness - it is for many people. There is nothing wrong with sex not being important to him. But, you are not compatible. 

It sounds like you want more exciting sex. That is also fine. Many people enjoy passionate sex in all its varieties. Exciting sex with someone you love is one of the most wonderful things in live - something you should not have to do without. 


You need to convince him of just how important this is to you. It is a difficult conversation (one I've had multiple times with my wife). Let him know that this is important to YOU. Maybe he will be willing to improve in order to make you happy. Maybe not. Maybe he wil go to counseling - maybe not. There is nothing you can do to make him a more passionate lover - some people are just not wired that way. If he will not change, then you have the following miserable choices:

1), Cheat: I won't fault you for it, I fully understand the desire for passion. The thing is I think you find that passionate sex is so wonderful that you will realize that you should leave - so you might as well to to #2 and not get into morally treacherous ground. 

2). Leave: You have every right to divorce if you are not happy, and you WILL be able to find someone who will make you happy. It is not "just" sex. Sex and passion are the difference between friendship and love. You are missing a big part of your life and you have every right to be happy.

3). Live like a Nun. You can live without sex - you have been doing so already. But if you will be depressed and resentful, are you doing either of you a favor staying in the relationship? Maybe you can satisfy yourself with fantasy and masturbation - but probably not.



I wish the whole HD/LD issue were taught in school. It is such a source of misery for so many people.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

wife40 said:


> Divorce is not an option for another 10 years at least. So the prospect of living frustrated for that amount of time is daunting. I'm not saying I'll go out and have an affair but I need to be realistic. I don't think I'm asking for too much of my husband. I just want to have a healthy satisfying sex life. Is there any way I can make him understand that sex can be loving and pleasurable? That an orgasm is in fact a good and desirable thing? He claims that I've taken the spontaneity and satisfaction out of our love making because he has to concentrate on stepa to make me have an orgasm. That I've made it all mechanical and not loving. I love him and I don't want to break up the family but I'm slowly dying inside. It's very sad.


Why not for 10 years? For the kids? Do you want them to grow up seeing normal married life as two people in the house that don't show joy and affection between them? That is what they will learn and then they are quite likely to end up in the same situation themselves.

What spontaneity or satisfaction is there if he doesn't try to make you have an O? That's most of the fun of it, it isn't a burden or a chore. That's what makes it loving. 

If your reason for being virgins at marriage is religious then would he speak with your vicar/priest/pastor? Even the Bible states that marriage is an intimate relationship. I believe it's usually a passage from Corinthians that is read out during the wedding service.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Your husband has very strange views on sex and marriage in general.
> I'm wondering where he got his weird notions of love, togetherness and reciprocation (or lack thereof). Can you tell us more about his upbringing and background?
> 
> Is he religious? This guy needs waking up! I'm not sure how you do it but something drastic. I personally don't believe threatening him with divorce, but maybe there's a friend, pastor, or councelor that can talk to him and beat some sense into him?
> ...


He's not religious and had no religious upbringing. Im not sure why he's so defensive and offended about sex. Either there's something he's not telling me or maybe he doesnt even know. He gets flustered when I talk about sex, it's like he's embarrassed or something. And I feel it also when he touches me, I dont know if it's shyness or he feels it's wrong or dirty or he doesnt enjoy it. But when I ask him, he says everthing is ok and he's attracted to me. However I dont feel it and when i ask for specifics, like what he likes about me, he always answers with the general 'i like everything'. I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But the problem is that if I stop talking, he will take it as everything being alright and it will all go back to square one.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Personal said:


> I don't think you should feel stupid or possibly embarrassed, we all miss things or could have made better decisions with hindsight. You learn and grow at your own pace, nothing wrong with that at all. I honestly think you shouldn't regret the life you have lived so far.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you for your comments. I hope your marriage continues on the good path. I do think life is worth living but Im terrified of the unknown and part of me still loves him and wants to make this work. I just get so frustrated with his lack of caring.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> If your H won't talk, go to therapy and he thinks he knows everything,(he clearly knows nothing), then you are stuck. You say divorce isn't an option for 10 years so you are at his mercy.
> 
> He could talk to us TAMmers but he probably won't, given what you have said about him.
> 
> ...


I think Im going to suggest him to visit this site. I worry that sometimes i dont express myself correctly. I feel we have communication problems so I think a counselor would be great but maybe hearing about possible solutions from other will make him realize that I'm not so crazy in what I desire....


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think one of the previous posters asked about porn. do you have any evidence that he's actively viewing porn?
I'm going to bet $1.00 right now he is.

See, there's VERY few people that are actually asexual. The vast, vast majority of people must express their sexuality
in some way or other. Some disciplined monks and religious aesthetics have found a way, but that is an extreme exception.

In many cases (like yours), a man with a stunted, immature view of sex and marriage will hide his insecurity with his wife
by avoiding her. It takes a fully grown man (not physically, but emotionally) to engage in full, loving intimacy with his wife.
If they can't do that, or have trouble with that, they avoid it and seek sexual outlet through porn, prostitutes, or just plain
masturbating. I'm not saying your husband is having an affair, or that all men who use porn are stunted.

I'm only saying that he is almost 100% getting his gratification somewhere. It's not with you, so who/what is it with?


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Hicks said:


> You have to become a teacher. You have to teach him the difference between orgasms and sexual fulfillment in a marriage. You have to teach him that there are things called emotional needs that are personal to each of you but vital for survival and happiness within a marriage. That you have needs and he has needs and each of you have to meet each other's needs.
> 
> How do you teach him this stuff?
> 1. Rephrase everything he says. Example: "You only care about orgasms" Reply: "No, I care about connection and fulfillment that sex enables". "I refuse counseling because it's not science", Reply: "So you are telling me that the long term survival of your marriage is unimportant to you?". "You are ruining everything for an orgasm", Reply "You are ruining everything by refusing to go to counseling".
> ...


I've just ordered the books. Hopefully they'll give me and him more insight on this whole thing. I like the idea of telling him that even if our needs are different, the point of marriage and loving each other is fulfilling those needs, especially because i don't want anything so bizarre...


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening wife40
> This is such a difficult situation. There is a lot of variation in how important sex is to people. For some (like your husband or my wife), it just isn't that big a deal, they don't see why it matters. For others, like you and myself, it is a vitally important part of life and love. You will see many HD/LD (high desire, low desire) threads here because this is such a big problem to a lot of people.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with you for thinking that sex is critical to your happiness - it is for many people. There is nothing wrong with sex not being important to him. But, you are not compatible.
> ...


I suspected the HD/LD issue but I've been reading on it and I think that's exactly our problem, or at least one of them. And I agree with you about teaching about this in school or in life in general. Maybe people should be required to take a sex ed class before getting married. I knew almost nothing about sex but I've been learning and i thought he would enjoy learning and exploring together. Instead he's become defensive and we're now having less sex as a result.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i think one of the previous posters asked about porn. do you have any evidence that he's actively viewing porn?
> I'm going to bet $1.00 right now he is.
> 
> See, there's VERY few people that are actually asexual. The vast, vast majority of people must express their sexuality
> ...


I doubt he's viewing porn because of his being so flustered about anything sexual but maybe there is some insecurity and he is doing it. He got very offended the other day when i asked if he masturbated, like i had asked some very horrible thing. Maybe i shouldn't have asked but I think after 20 something years together, if you can't be open and vocal with your partner, then with whom?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

wife40 said:


> He doesn't believe in therapy. He says it's not a science and therefore fake. He says he won't talk to a stranger about our problems. I think I am meeting his emotional needs. I ask him again and again what he would like me to do and he says everything is fine. The only thing I know he hates is me talking about all this so I try not to talk about it but it bubbles inside of me because I can't just sweep it under a rug. I need to get it out and talk about it to try and resolve it. I don't know what else to do for him.


"Fine"? Huh? It is always awfully convenient when the spouse who doesn't want to change and doesn't want to go to counseling doesn't "believe" in it. 

HE hates your talking about it? Tough titties. Tell him it is time for him to understand YOUR needs. Start talkin'. And get to MC. If he won't go, go alone. That is often all it takes. Some people don't want the counselor to hear things that they think are "against" them without be present to defend themselves.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Do not underestimate the danger of being seduced into an affair.

I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years and there were three opportunities for me to have had an affair. Fortunately, something happened at the last minute that derailed them before they were consummated. 

I got lucky - strange to say that about not getting sex - but if I had gone through with one of them, there is a good chance that I would have felt so guilty and remorseful, that I would have begged my XW for another chance. Then what? we'd probably be back to the same sexless scenario but now with the added damage of the affair.

It only takes an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex - if your not bisexual - to start the coals that one day can become a roaring fire. You will have to be extremely on your guard for even forums like this can be a place where an affair can start - there is already such an incident that happened here on TAM. Almost every contact you have with any man could start you on that road.

I'd recommend you buy and read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass Ph.D for its speaks of what I've touched but in much more detail. Also, go check out the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) forum just above this forum. It will give you a sobering view of the devastation in the aftermath of an affair(s).

Good luck.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> "Fine"? Huh? It is always awfully convenient when the spouse who doesn't want to change and doesn't want to go to counseling doesn't "believe" in it.
> 
> HE hates your talking about it? Tough titties. Tell him it is time for him to understand YOUR needs. Start talkin'. And get to MC. If he won't go, go alone. That is often all it takes. Some people don't want the counselor to hear things that they think are "against" them without be present to defend themselves.



Im definitely planning on seeing an MC. Hopefully that will jolt something in him. But I need to keep talking because I can't keep it all bottled up.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

chaos said:


> Do not underestimate the danger of being seduced into an affair.
> 
> I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years and there were three opportunities for me to have had an affair. Fortunately, something happened at the last minute that derailed them before they were consummated.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your comment and will be on guard.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I am glad that you are thinking about going to see a counselor by yourself, even if he will not go with you.

I do wish that my wife would sometime show some interest.

Some of my thoughts may not work for you.

If you greeted him at home (without the kids around), in a long coat with nothing, underneath that would not help.

It does not sound like he would be willing to learn how to help you by learning oral techniques. 

If he would ever be willing to watch you masturbate, he might learn some things. And maybe be good for you both, since you did bring up the topic.

I do hope you find success in your relationship.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

wife,

It's very possible that your husband is resisting out of fear. Fear that he won't be able to succeed in giving you what you so clearly want; an orgasm.

Imagine someone telling you what they want very badly; that you are uncertain that you can provide and saying "ok, do it now". Trying to avoid the situation works in the short term (although, of course, it fails in the long term).

So, if there's any chance here, it might be best to lower the expectations of what you expect from him.

Stop telling him how badly you want an orgasm and tell him that you just want him to go down on you regardless of the result "just to see what it feels like". 

Tell him that it's the effort you're looking for and that you aren't expecting instant results.

He may be hoping that this is all a phase that you'll grow out of. You need to convince him that it isn't. 

Whatever it is that you do for him (and apparently, it's not sex) point out to him how he'd feel if you didn't even make the effort. Consider denying him that if need be to make the point.

If that doesn't do the trick (which it probably won't), then you'll have to point out to him that you have no intention of living the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about your happiness. That doesn't mean that you're leaving today, but you WILL be leaving at some point.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This sounds very familiar, and I think it is one form of HD/LD. My wife has a lot of the same traits (I think).

Doesn't see sex as important. Hears when you say it matters, but really doesn't get it. In our case she considers sex a very low priority - almost everything else is more important. 

Doesn't know what he / she wants in bed, or is too shy to ask. Just can't bring themselves to actually as for what they want, so you are left trying to guess.

Makes you feel embarrassed about asking for what you want. The constant worry that they will make you feel like some sort of pervert. 

No interest in books on sex, porn, etc. 


I have had some improvements by having direct and extremely uncomfortable talks. Hints don't work. I had to get to " I am very unhappy, and I can't be happy without sex twice a week, and without oral sex once a month". It was horrible to say it, and it upset her for a week - but then things got better. 

Earlier versions like "I wish we could make love more often". Or I love it when you do XYZ. Or "Why don't we take a romantic vacation somewhere where we spend the afternoons in bed" - would get agreement - but not change whatsoever in behavior. 

Being around all the time, doing chores at home, doing absolutely anything she wanted in bed, flowers, love notes, casual intimacy etc had not effect. Deciding not to ask resulted in months without sex. 

But even the harsh talk fix isn't lasting - things are starting to decline again. Its following the usual pattern. The excuses start - frequency declines. 

What I am saying is that there may be absolutely nothing you can do to fix this.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Is there any chance he is closet gay?

This is not just about sex - he basically admits he does not care that you are unhappy. He does not want to work on it. More - he does not want to talk about it. he is taking you for granted. Does not matter what he does or does not, you will always be there for him. Unless you shake his world, nothing will change. He has no reason to do so. he gets his orgasms when he wants them.

Time for a tough talk. But think it through carefully first. You want to communicate your needs and wants, and unhappines without accusations, pointing fingers, etc. 
Make counseling, maybe sex therapy the condition for happy relationship.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> wife,
> 
> It's very possible that your husband is resisting out of fear. Fear that he won't be able to succeed in giving you what you so clearly want; an orgasm.
> 
> ...


I think that may be very possible. He mentioned feeling pressured and not being capable to which i reassured him that I was very attracted to him and I enjoyed everything we did and he did. But there are a few things that really arouse me that I would like him to do and he says I shouldnt try to change him, that he is the way he is. But I like the advice you gave me. I'll put it into practice. I know that if i get too focused on the orgasm or getting aroused none of it happens. Hopefully he won't take it as a card to not try anything anymore....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If your husband was never a religious man, what do you feel happened to him in his life/ upbringing , that he is THIS "*Repressed*"??... like all sexual talk, masturbation, oral is DIRTY...what was his parents relationship like? Do you think he might have been molested in his youth ?

It sounds you have tried & given it a good go -to moving, shaking, awakening him to jump start the intimacy, make it FUN...only to be met with REJECTION at every turn....his consistently shutting down the communication.. this will cause everything in your marriage to Grow COLD....affectionless, you will grow a mountain of resentment towards him... (anyone would !)

The marriage bed may be less than 10% of a couple's life together...but when it's lacking, grown sour .. it will FEEL LIKE 90% of your problems.. it's not, nor will ever be.. a small thing.. to those who Long for emotional intimacy , this is a huge part of our happiness ...and well.. the heights of pleasure with someone they love .

Myself & Husband waited for intercourse on our Wedding night.. but we were experiencing mutual orgasms long before.. touching each other.. we were never ones to hang from the chandeliers but we were always satisfied because he cared a great great deal for me to always "get mine"....he's the type of man that wouldn't be satisfied unless I did ! 

Experts say the majority of women climax through Oral sex (cunnilingus) ...you may BE one of those !! It's a very delicate, and devastating thing if your husband is not open to pleasing you like this.. Desire is one of those things that HAS TO BE given with some enthusiasm and mutual enjoyment to be there...or it renders the act passionless.. like pity sex. 

This has to start with some communication. ..getting to the roots of his *FEAR* or *DISTASTE* of anything/ everything sexual.. 

I am also wondering if you are in mid life now..and are experiencing that "MID LIFE SURGE" -feeling like your sex drive has exploded suddenly?? If so...I experienced THAT...

I was pushing my husband for more, wanting to try new things, was buying a # of books to spice things up....had I been met with what you are though.. I would have had to get out...it would have crushed me on the one hand, then I would have been very angry on the other.. I wouldn't have had the patience .....The pull for MORE pleasure / MORE intimacy had a very powerful hold on me.. I couldn't lay it down.. 

I truly sympathize with what you are going through... 

Your husband not wanting to talk about this is simply NOT acceptable...HE needs to understand he may loose you...as you will grow to feel like this.. more & more each day...

?I feel like I die more every day?: The ?bed death? of sexless marriage is real, and it?s heartbreaking - Salon.com

Here is a book on Libido types...something to explore.. is there anything that turns him on, does he have a fetish he may fear sharing with you for instance?...

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ...

also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> This sounds very familiar, and I think it is one form of HD/LD. My wife has a lot of the same traits (I think).
> 
> Doesn't see sex as important. Hears when you say it matters, but really doesn't get it. In our case she considers sex a very low priority - almost everything else is more important.
> ...


Oh goodness. This is pretty much exactly how he is... I'm going to try the direct approach and see what happens. I very much would like to make things work, but I go from being hopeful and feeling hopeless and it's taking a toll on me. 

Thanks for your answer and I wish you the best with your wife.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Is there any chance he is closet gay?
> 
> This is not just about sex - he basically admits he does not care that you are unhappy. He does not want to work on it. More - he does not want to talk about it. he is taking you for granted. Does not matter what he does or does not, you will always be there for him. Unless you shake his world, nothing will change. He has no reason to do so. he gets his orgasms when he wants them.
> 
> ...


That thought has crossed my mind as well as him having another woman. I can't say for certain one way or another. When he says Im ruining everything for an orgasm I always tell him it's not only about sex. Yes I would like to enjoy an orgasm with him (and he would enjoy it too btw) but I think what hurts more is his indifference to my problem or my desires. It's all interconnected and that is why the 'orgasm problem' is messing up other areas or our marriage....

I have to sit down and think carefully about this tough talk. I dont like ultimatums but I think it's only fair that both of us are happy and fulfilled in our marriage. We should meet halfway, shouldn't we?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

wife40 said:


> We should meet halfway, shouldn't we?


Yes. and so far he refuses to take any steps.

Tell him this is not about sex itself - it is about sharing joy wiht him, about intimacy, affection, making each other happy and fullfilled.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Yes. and so far he refuses to take any steps.
> 
> Tell him this is not about sex itself - it is about sharing joy wiht him, about intimacy, affection, making each other happy and fullfilled.



That's exactly what i tell him but he says im too focused on sex adn the orgasm. I can't deny I would like to experience it but it's more about connecting with him and connecting physically is important to me. 

I think one of the problems is he dislikes change. Many times he has mentioned that I have changed, that I was not always like this and the truth is that I have changed. I've lived through many experiences, like motherhood, moves, etc and that has changed many things in me, including my body. I think change is a natural part of life and it's sad if you don't grow with life experiences.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I hope a LD person will chime in here there was a good thread some time back where some LDs indicated how they feel. Let me try to say how I *think* some LD people feel. (here I am talking about *true* LDs, not people who don't want sex because of something that their partner does or does not do:
(Again, this is not how I feel, but how I think the LD people probably feel - please correct me if wrong).


Why is sex so important? Its just a physical thing. It has nothing to do with love.

Our life together is great. Why are you unhappy just because of one small thing missing? Does that mean you would leave if I became injured an unable to have sex?

All you think about is sex. I feel constantly pressured. I like sex, just not all the time. The more you pressure me, the less I feel like it. I feel like everything you do for me is just to get sex. You don't care about me, just about my body.

I'm tired, or sick, or busy. There are chores to do. We are on vacation, and will never be in Crotobatislavonia again - we should go see the city, not waste time in the hotel room. 

I really don't like oral. Its just nasty. Don't like the taste, makes me gag. Why do you want it so much? I just don't enjoy unusual / exotic sex. Why do you pressure me to do things I don't want to do.

We aren't 20 anymore. Sex isn't something that long term married couples do much. I like it, but just not all the time.

I can't be happy when you keep pestering me for sex. I've always been like this, its not fair to expect me to change. 



Good luck talking to him directly. It may work. It did for me - at least for a while, but also be prepared for him to react very negatively. 

You have my best wishes and my sympathy.






wife40 said:


> Oh goodness. This is pretty much exactly how he is... I'm going to try the direct approach and see what happens. I very much would like to make things work, but I go from being hopeful and feeling hopeless and it's taking a toll on me.
> 
> Thanks for your answer and I wish you the best with your wife.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If your husband was never a religious man, what do you feel happened to him in his life/ upbringing , that he is THIS "*Repressed*"??... like all sexual talk, masturbation, oral is DIRTY...what was his parents relationship like? Do you think he might have been molested in his youth ?
> 
> It sounds you have tried & given it a good go -to moving, shaking, awakening him to jump start the intimacy, make it FUN...only to be met with REJECTION at every turn....his consistently shutting down the communication.. this will cause everything in your marriage to Grow COLD....affectionless, you will grow a mountain of resentment towards him... (anyone would !)
> 
> ...


I have always been very sexual but I have to say that in the past 5 years there has been like an explosion inside me so it may very well be the 'mid life surge'. I thought my husband would be happy about that. I was quite mistaken sadly. Although the truth is that we used to have a lot of sex 2 to 3 times a week and I enjoyed the part of pleasuring him. It was when i plucked up the courage to tell him about my not orgasms (I was kinda bummed he hadn't realized - i never faked it - but i gave him the benefit of the doubt) that things started going downhill. He took it very personally, like everything up to then had been a lie. I tried to be very careful about how i presented the issue making sure to tell him that i was attracted to him and that i enjoyed everything he did and i loved pleasuring him. I presented it as my problem and asked him for help in reaching that elusive orgasm. He still took it very badly. Maybe I should have approached the topic in a different manner but I thought after so many years together, i could confide in him. It was very difficult for me to open up and tell him this, i felt very vulnerable. And his response was not what i expected at all. I was hoping for a new adventure in our sex life trying new fun things, getting closer now that the kids are getting older...

Anyway, as to why he's so repressed... I have no idea. I know his parents were not affectionate at all, not even with their kids. But I'm sure there was no abuse there. Maybe something else happened to him. I'm supposed to be his first everything (girlfriend, sex) but maybe there's something he's not telling me. What could be another reason for his blockage? Of course ive tried asking him and he completely shuts down. 

I know it sounds a bit childish but I have this strong desire to experience oral sex. I never have being he's also been my first everything. But I honestly have never even discussed this with him, because if he shuts down at the mention of fingering, i can't imagine with oral. I've asked him if he enjoys when i do it on him and he has answered that he likes it but prefers regular sex. So i never got to the part of him doing it to me. I don't want to force him to do things he doesnt enjoy, i don't want pity sex either. But I would like to know what is causing all this fear or distaste as you very well put it. I think it could lead to some healing or at least understanding and not so much resentment and sadness.

Thank you for the articles. They're very informative and I will try to share them with him. Maybe something good can come out of them.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I hope a LD person will chime in here there was a good thread some time back where some LDs indicated how they feel. Let me try to say how I *think* some LD people feel. (here I am talking about *true* LDs, not people who don't want sex because of something that their partner does or does not do:
> (Again, this is not how I feel, but how I think the LD people probably feel - please correct me if wrong).
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. These are the exact responses my husband gives me. It's a bit scary actually. I have to do more research on this LD/HD thing. My question is... is it possible to have a healthy fulfilling sex life between HD and LD partners?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

wife40 said:


> I think that may be very possible. He mentioned feeling pressured and not being capable to which i reassured him that I was very attracted to him and I enjoyed everything we did and he did. But there are a few things that really arouse me that I would like him to do and he says I shouldnt try to change him, that he is the way he is. But I like the advice you gave me. I'll put it into practice. I know that if i get too focused on the orgasm or getting aroused none of it happens. Hopefully he won't take it as a card to not try anything anymore....


My guess is he is naive and inexperienced, and fears failing at something he doesn't understand. If so, removing the demand for orgasm is essential. 
Instead, make it a joint journey of exploration. I guess if he hasn't gone down on you, touch and play have also been limited. So perhaps a first step could be massage, it can start as tame as he wants and progress from there. Maybe you massage him first, and just massage the first time. Start easy and let him know you trust him and he can do whatever he wants. Take turns massaging each other, gradually lead him to be more adventurous. Maybe a book on massage and work through it together.
Maybe the 5 love languages book would be good to figure out how to reach him. But I do NOT think you have done anything wrong. He is incredibly lucky to have you. It might also help him understand that different people have different needs.

Sending him here may be the wake-up call he needs. First though you may want to re-read all your posts, to see if there is anything you have said that might upset him and shut him down. Or perhaps start a new account first.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Another suggestion, think about before you were married or early in your marriage. Was there any playful things you did together? Something that put him in a playful mood. Maybe hiking or picnics or watching movies or coffee shops. I suggest you do more of that, either your kids or just you two. The idea is to play together and get him to relax. The initial idea is to bring back old behaviours. He sounds like maybe he thinks he should act old. Later you might gradually step up the playfulness.

I don't disagree with those suggesting he be threatened with possible divorce. That may be necessary to shake him loose. And he deserves it for his prolonged selfish uncaring behaviour. But in this one case I think gentle play may be more successful.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and advice. I have a lot of information and ideas and I'm eager to try them little by little. I hope things get at least a bit better. I would like to direct him to this site but I'm not sure I want him to see this thread. Is there a way for the thread to be blocked or erased? Thanks again!!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wife40
Not childish, its perfectly reasonable to want to experience sex.

One caution - reading boards like this can actually make things worse. It can make you more aware of how much you are missing. Sure, you will hear from some people who have it worse than you -people who haven't had sex in years. But you will also hear from people have have it so much better. You will hear from men who would do absolutely anything for their wives in bed, but are constantly turned down - and that can generate terrible frustration. Just the act of posting and reading about sex will increase its importance in your mind. 

If you want to stay in your marriage you might actually be better off avoiding these discussions. OTOH, they may convince you that you would be happier if you left.




BTW - it seems to me that a dislike of performing oral sex is a common feature of LD people. Its something most HD people enjoy doing.




wife40 said:


> I know it sounds a bit childish but I have this strong desire to experience oral sex. .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wife40
You could also show him to some other group. womens-health is pretty good (i was there for a long time before a privacy issue cropped up). You could keep one discussion group private, and one to share with him. Be sure to use a different username. 




wife40 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and advice. I have a lot of information and ideas and I'm eager to try them little by little. I hope things get at least a bit better. I would like to direct him to this site but I'm not sure I want him to see this thread. Is there a way for the thread to be blocked or erased? Thanks again!!


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## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I think LD-HD marriages or relationships can work ,but only if the LD person is willing to make an effort to understand how important sex is in a marriage. I am a LD person, I like sex, but can take it or leave it, I never initiate it, but will go along once we start. My husband on the other hand wants sex about 2-3 times a week, that frequency hasn't happened in a long time. I always felt like anytime he kissed me or touched me it had to lead to sex for him, and I resented that. We are reconciling after a separation and I've come to realize we had lost a lot of intimacy and connection in our marriage over time, for a variety of reasons. But having very little sex was a big one. I however, have absolutely no problem giving my husband oral sex instead of having intercourse, I'm in menopause and it takes me forever to O. :surprise::surprise:


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening wife40
> Not childish, its perfectly reasonable to want to experience sex.
> 
> One caution - reading boards like this can actually make things worse. It can make you more aware of how much you are missing. Sure, you will hear from some people who have it worse than you -people who haven't had sex in years. But you will also hear from people have have it so much better. You will hear from men who would do absolutely anything for their wives in bed, but are constantly turned down - and that can generate terrible frustration. Just the act of posting and reading about sex will increase its importance in your mind.
> ...



A little too late for that. Haha. I don't even know to be honest if he would enjoy oral sex. We haven't discussed it but by the absence of him trying to do it to me, I imagine he's not interested. I wish he would at least try it. I was skeptical at first performing oral sex but i really enjoy it now.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

fitchick1961 said:


> I think LD-HD marriages or relationships can work ,but only if the LD person is willing to make an effort to understand how important sex is in a marriage. I am a LD person, I like sex, but can take it or leave it, I never initiate it, but will go along once we start. My husband on the other hand wants sex about 2-3 times a week, that frequency hasn't happened in a long time. I always felt like anytime he kissed me or touched me it had to lead to sex for him, and I resented that. We are reconciling after a separation and I've come to realize we had lost a lot of intimacy and connection in our marriage over time, for a variety of reasons. But having very little sex was a big one. I however, have absolutely no problem giving my husband oral sex instead of having intercourse, I'm in menopause and it takes me forever to O. :surprise::surprise:


Thank you very much for your comment. I think I need to have a conversation with him about different drives and how i can help him and how he can help me. Hopefully we can find a happy medium.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I completely agree. It is very good of you to recognize how your husband felt. 

If you can do sexual things for him, not as a "chore" but as a "gift" to a man you love, then I think you can be happy together. That of course assumes that he is willing to be good to you in ways that matter to you.




fitchick1961 said:


> I think LD-HD marriages or relationships can work ,but only if the LD person is willing to make an effort to understand how important sex is in a marriage. I am a LD person, I like sex, but can take it or leave it, I never initiate it, but will go along once we start. My husband on the other hand wants sex about 2-3 times a week, that frequency hasn't happened in a long time. I always felt like anytime he kissed me or touched me it had to lead to sex for him, and I resented that. We are reconciling after a separation and I've come to realize we had lost a lot of intimacy and connection in our marriage over time, for a variety of reasons. But having very little sex was a big one. I however, have absolutely no problem giving my husband oral sex instead of having intercourse, I'm in menopause and it takes me forever to O. :surprise::surprise:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Wife40, who does the majority of initiating sex?

If you do, I'd tend to suspect possibly a hormonal problem (low testosterone most likely, but thyroid should be checked as well).

If he does the majority of initiating, then I'd tend to think he's just selfish.

Also, his attitude of not wanting to speak about sex and not want counseling COULD indicate previous abuse. Don't discount this possibility.

You asked earlier if a couple should meet halfway, and if it's possible to be happy in a HD/LD relationship. Ideally, no--a couple should not compromise. In a good relationship I believe that both spouses should seek to give 100% of their efforts to pleasing their spouse. Seeking a 50/50 compromise is an attitude of taking what you can get, not of giving everything you can. If your spouse is not willing to find out what makes you happy, and try his best to make that happen, then your marriage is fundamentally broken.


As an experiment, how about trying this: next time you have sex, turn the tables. Go ahead with his preferred vanilla sex, but stop about halfway into it. Make sure he does not have an orgasm. Roll over and say "thanks, that was great--good night". Observe his reaction.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

My two cents:

Your husband has some issues. Possible causes that need to be ruled out or confirmed

1. Porn use: he may be really ashamed, and will deny until you can prove a problem. You can verify by getting monitoring software on your wifi router. Will catch passwords, etc. 
2. Other sources. Same as above on the router. Could be an affair, other partner, chat rooms. From the vibe I get, his is likely masturbation. 
3. Hormones - low T. Get thyroid checked too. If this is the case, he won't be motivated. 
4. Child sexual abuse. A possibile source of sexual shame. 

If none of the above, he likely feels really insecure. It must have been a blow to find out he's "doing it wrong". We men are supposed to know what we're doing, right? 

Try a playful approach. Don't make him talk about it for now. Seriously, fewer words, the better. 

Maybe dial up physical touch, lightly sexual? 

Or, tease him, get him really aroused, then ask for something that's an incremental change (watch you masturbate, touch you somewhere. 

Sexting might be safe. 

Ultimately, you may have to hit him with an ultimatum. But in the meantime, try to drive some simple changes. The issue isn't orgasms, it's being willing to even consider trying.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Wife40, who does the majority of initiating sex?
> 
> If you do, I'd tend to suspect possibly a hormonal problem (low testosterone most likely, but thyroid should be checked as well).
> 
> ...


He used to do the initiating because every time i did it he would turn me down, I like sex at night, he likes it in the morning. So we always ended up having sex in the morning with him initiating. 

If there was abuse, I don't think I can help him. A therapist would be more qualified....


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Vulcan2013 said:


> My two cents:
> 
> Your husband has some issues. Possible causes that need to be ruled out or confirmed
> 
> ...


I dont think it's any of the above, but I don't know 100%. I know he felt bad about me telling him I had never had an orgasm. I tried to reassure him that i enjoy everything he does, that it's just that i need to try new things to see if i can achieve it. I tried to make it my problem as much as i could and it could very well be a big part my problem. 

I'm going to try the no words approach, I know he likes not talking, and I want to make things work so Ill give it another try. Wish me luck!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

wife40 said:


> I dont think it's any of the above, but I don't know 100%. I know he felt bad about me telling him I had never had an orgasm. I tried to reassure him that i enjoy everything he does, that it's just that i need to try new things to see if i can achieve it. I tried to make it my problem as much as i could and it could very well be a big part my problem.
> 
> *I'm going to try the no words approach, I know he likes not talking, and I want to make things work so Ill give it another try. Wish me luck*!


I certainly wish you luck, but the pattern of him not talking while you continue to try to make things work on your own has not gotten you very far.

Here's the unfortunate truth. Your husband sounds very LD to me. In all the cases of LD/HD mismatch I've read about, I've yet to see one where the LD man turned around. Improving a LD/HD marriage is possible, but I've only seen it done when it's a HD man with a LD woman, and even then it seems kind of rare.

I can only speculate on the reasons for this--maybe men just tend to be more resistant to admitting they have a problem in their relationship. I don't know.

I do know that this kind of change can only happen if both people are to some degree open to it.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If one of the problems is you not having an orgasm, then job #1 is for you to learn to have orgasms reliably. By yourself. You need to learn what you like and what gets you off. Very hard to teach someone else to give you orgasms. Almost impossible if you don't already know what works for you. Putting the pressure on him to help you explore what works for you is setting him up for failure.

So you do it for you. Then you bring him into the process when you already know what works. That way you have eliminated the portion of the process that involves repeated failure in a search for what works. You are the one most motivated to discover what works, most frustrated by not having orgasms, and thus most willing to put up with a series of failures along the way to success.

Good luck. This is not easy and you need a large reservoir of mutual good will and tolerance to get to a place where you have agood sex life for both of you.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I certainly wish you luck, but the pattern of him not talking while you continue to try to make things work on your own has not gotten you very far.
> 
> Here's the unfortunate truth. Your husband sounds very LD to me. In all the cases of LD/HD mismatch I've read about, I've yet to see one where the LD man turned around. Improving a LD/HD marriage is possible, but I've only seen it done when it's a HD man with a LD woman, and even then it seems kind of rare.
> 
> ...



Unfortunately I tend to agree with you. After all i've been trying different techniques for a number of years. Im just going to give it one more tried armed with the information I learnt here and hope for at least some change.


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> If one of the problems is you not having an orgasm, then job #1 is for you to learn to have orgasms reliably. By yourself. You need to learn what you like and what gets you off. Very hard to teach someone else to give you orgasms. Almost impossible if you don't already know what works for you. Putting the pressure on him to help you explore what works for you is setting him up for failure.
> 
> So you do it for you. Then you bring him into the process when you already know what works. That way you have eliminated the portion of the process that involves repeated failure in a search for what works. You are the one most motivated to discover what works, most frustrated by not having orgasms, and thus most willing to put up with a series of failures along the way to success.
> 
> Good luck. This is not easy and you need a large reservoir of mutual good will and tolerance to get to a place where you have agood sex life for both of you.


I can orgasm on my own and I know what helps. It is with him that I can't orgasm and although part of it is his technique or the lack of foreplay, the other part is me not feeling completely relaxed and comfortable. Im always worrying that i take too long or that he's not enjoying me or something and since he never communicates otherwise, I can't get that thought out of my head.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Wife40--it's a heck of a big read, but you might find a lot of insight in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
when someone is really LD, as he appears to be, there may be no way to fix it. 

One thread described the HD person trying to find their way through a maze to get to "sex". But with a LD person there is no sex in that maze - you can run around like a rat, follow every path, but it simply is not there.

If he is willing to do it FOR YOU, then there may be a good solution. If he doesn't want to, or doesn't care, then there is nothing you can do. 




wife40 said:


> Unfortunately I tend to agree with you. After all i've been trying different techniques for a number of years. Im just going to give it one more tried armed with the information I learnt here and hope for at least some change.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Wife40, Have you and your husband ever had a few drinks before sex?


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## wife40 (May 25, 2015)

We don't drink. Never have. But maybe it's time to start...


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