# Blended Family and stress :(



## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years and living together with our kids for over a year. 
My daughter, C, is turning 10 years old and my son,E, just turned 5 yrs old.
My bf's son is, O, 7 years old and Autistic.


The kids all got along well before we moved in together and even for the first month after. But shortly after that my bf son started then blaming my son for everything .. breakin toys, etc. even when my son was nowhere near him or his toys. 
The issues between the the two boys have been on ongoing battle up until even today. My bf's son actually looks forward to when my kids are gone to visit there father for weekends or when my son his gone to his fathers for alone visits. 
Anytime i bring the issue up with my BF about the boys and always fighting he ALWAYS brushes it off to " well E gets on his nerves."
Or excuses his sons behavior to "its part of his autism"

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and it is not meant to insult anyone on here with kids whom are autistic. From my observation and others around us, it seems like my bfs son uses this to his advantage. He is SUPER smart and is a good kid, but if he doesnt get his way, gets in trouble for something he has a "meltdown" and then my bf will give him what he wants to "fix the meltdown". I am aware that his Autism does affect the way he processes things and behavior and everything. But I do not feel or believe he deserves "special treatment" to the degree that my bf seems to think. 

He doesn't listen to me unless my BF is standing right there. Even with chores and set house rules he still gets away with stuff that my two don't or would get trouble for. My son is starting to act out as a result of the difference in treatment between the two. My son gets barked at and blamed for everything it seems. I HAVE talked to my bf many times about this and even a few days ago told him "I'm pissed and I'm sick of always hearing how "bad" my son is. I'm sick of it." At which point we talked further and he had a talk with O. His talks don't seem to last very long though before he needs another talk about how to treat E proper and stop being rude. We have even sat them all down and talked to all 3 kids about how to be respectful of each other and everything.


Yesterday, I was laying on the bed trying for anti-inflamitories to kick in as i have a bad back and I could hear O barking at my son. He was already talked to the other day about needing to stop talking so rudely to E. So i went upstairs and dealt with it. Told him to stop being rude to E, and before he could say he wasn't I told him I could hear him over the TV downstairs. He glared at me, sulked off and continued with his chore that he was doing. For the next 30 mins after that he continually glared in my direction when he saw me.

I just feel like my bf uses him being autistic as an excuse. He was supposed to look into getting him into a BI for his behavior back in January and hasn't even made the call yet. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do. I love them both but their behavior and attitude towards my kids especially my son is having a huge affect on me and my kids and in turn having an impact on our relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm so stressed out and frustrated at this point that I almost want to walk out of the relationship. I love my bf and I love his son too, i just don't know if this issue will ever be resolved, it's not worth my kids' happiness.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You guys moved way too quickly on this. Blending families is not something to be taken lightly, it is hard work and really should not be entered into so quickly.

If you want to save the relationship and do the right thing by your kids then move out. You don't need to live together quite so soon.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your live in BF is a BF, not a husband. The beauty of BF/GF relationships is that they can be ended any time for any reason without a ton of paperwork and court dates. I also think you should move out for the good of your kids. Not because you moved in too soon, but because your BFisn't addressing the issues and your son is suffering for it.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Regardless of the timing/speed of your integration you and your BF need to really hash this out.

Parenting in blended families does require a lot of heavy lifting and adjustment (even in the absence of issues such as autism- which can add complexity).

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we usually have debriefing sessions after any kind of parenting issue. It helps us to get on the same page/improve our stances for the next time/give opportunity for both of us to express or concerns, needs, etc.

If your BF is unwilling to address the issues with you, then that is telling you something....This relationship may not be a good fit...


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## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

My BF and I have been off and on talking and working on things with the kids. Last week while he was gone I made dinner for all three kids, told them that was dinner. My two will eat what's put in front of them without much if any complaints. BFS son did that night as well, actually said he liked the rice (which bf says he doesnt like therefore doesnt make him eat it). Well the next day O started back peddling and anything to do with food convo "...does it have rice..." if he was told yes then he wouldn't touch it. But he ate it the night before and said he liked it. When i had him try foods it was a bite and had to finish it before making a judgement.
This passed weekend when my BF had him try asparagus and a diff type of sausage .. the second his tongue touched it he would say "dont like it" .... I pointed out to my BF lastnight that his son has him figured out and uses that very much to his advantage. Cause "daddy will save him/cave in" to his every need and complaint. Also, told him I've done my own research on autistics, yes they have food aversions and the have meltdowns. But common sense, when a child is told no to something they want and they cry, that is a tantrum. Which Ive watched Owen do many times to get his own way. He even pulled it yesterday when he was told we're not in a financial position to spend a lot of money on a big birthday present. I had told him and my daughter both that in the truck earlier yesterday and they both understood. But when the subject came up at home between him and my BF he started to cry and throw a fit. But my BF told him to give us ideas on other stuff he would like or like to do that is within our budget.
Both his son and my daughter have B-days within a couple wks of each other. I had explained to them both that due to the cost of having my vehicle in the shop for major repairs twice in a few week span, that their expensive bows they wanted are going to have to wait until x-mas or even next year because we still have some big expenses coming up soon too, which to me is more than an adequate explanation as to "why they can't have it". Which, my daughter came up to me today and said she just wants me to make her a youtube acct and spend time with her. I wasn't raised to be materialistic, my ex has kinda instilled that into the kids and uses toys/gifts to buy their affection. My bfs son is very materialistic. 

The "acting out" from my son has mellowed a little bit. I am still looking into counselling etc for him. I've been looking at and thinking about going back to work, I need to. But I feel torn because as much as I need to financially, I also need to get my son into counselling and everything.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can have a job and still do other things like call around for counseling. Maybe family counseling would be good. A third party trained to come up with ideas and strategies to help the family unit. Find a job that offers counseling!


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

His son has autism? Have you guys ever looked into your boy friend having it as well? Symptoms in kids is very different in adults. Just found out my hubby has aspergers last week. It's not anything I saw coming. I had him do an online test and he scored high. Now every thing makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Definitely do not compromise your relationship with your kids for a significant other. 

Please move out, at the very least. Moving on entirely is not a bad idea, either.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

FL-

Have you and your BF talked specifically about the food issue?

I have to say, my 6th grader can be very much like your stepson with food aversions. At first, I was very much like your BF (it just wasn't a battle I felt needed fighting)....My husband didn't agree...

And so we talked...we took each others opinions and feelings into consideration...

We made a standard that the with a family of four, each person takes one fourth of the vegetables for their portion. There's no power struggle, they get the nutrients they need and eventually my 6th grader no longer asks, or tries to barter (x number of spoonfuls), but just takes her portion and even now will voice what vegetables she likes.

You'll find in most parenting...being consistent and having follow through is VERY important...

I'd also stay away from the editorial judgements (e.g., the stepson being materialistic, or having daddy figured out/manipulating)... while there is probably some truth to these, it can put the parent on the defensive... and instead of feeling supported, it can feel isolating.

The goal is to come alongside each other...children may balk at structure, but more often than not the thrive when they have loving limits...there is something very settling about knowing the boundaries... it feels stable.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

I'm have a blended family as well. It by far, has been the toughest challenge I've ever faced in my life. My H and I have been together for four years, married for nine months, living together for two and a half years. We each have children from previous marriages. Mine are 22, 18 & 14. His are 11 & 9. H and I are both 44. Our children were (are being) raised completely different. Mine are independent, H's are very needy. There are differences in ages but I feel the neediness is because there are no rules at home (they live w/mom & grandma) and mom and grandma baby/cater to them in all ways ex:dressing, putting shoes on and tying etc. 

Step daughter is the 11 yo and has mild cerebral palsy. In the beginning of our relationship, H felt IMMENSE guilt over his daughters disability. So much that he'd sit back and take her slapping him hard, across the face when she got mad. H blamed it on her disability. I argued that excuse until I was blue in the face! There was never any reports of her hitting anyone in school, so she knew the difference. She was using it to her advantage that mom, dad & grandma let her get away with everything, due to her disability. He now sees how much more she is capable of and better behaved by setting boundaries, guidelines and consequences. We've worked to implement them in our home. We often hear of how SD will slap grandma across the face, but that's their problem because they fail to set rules. 

My H and I had worked hard to get on the same page with rules & guidelines. It hasn't been easy but the key is working together. 

While I know a lot of people suggest that each parent should solely be responsible for the raising of their own children, I don't agree with that. In the grand scheme of things, yes, the bio parent(s) should have ultimate say in the life altering decisions regarding their children, but the everyday issues should be a mutual, bio mom/dad & step parent decision, especially in your blended home. 

I also feel that if you are trying to make a life together, your future should be considered. While in the beginning I often hung back and let H (bf at the time) handle all situations with his children but I knew that how things were going would ultimately have a negative effect on MY future. I was this.close to walking away many times. But before I did, I'd have a heart to heart w/H and told him my concerns. He wanted to change, he wanted a better life for himself and his children. 

Like we did, you and your BF need to sit and have serious talks about your relationship now and in the future. If nothing changes, what you're living now, will be what you live the rest of your life. For me, I knew the way things were playing out, was NOT the way I wanted my future to be. Because I'd be damned if I was going to sit back and allow ANY child to think it was okay to slap me in the face and get away with it! 

If you see/want a future with this man, you need to put all your concerns on the table. Speak kindly and from the heart. Do not point out all the things wrong, irritating etc with his son. That'll only make your bf shut down and defend his son. You want him to know you're on his side and looking out for the best interest of your family as a whole. 

Good Luck!!! Speaking from my experience, all I can say is that while life is completely chaotic, difficult, tiring and stressful at times...it is all worth it!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Taking on a special needs child who is not your own is a pretty big endeavor. You need to consider the following:

1) You may simply not be up for the challenge. You don't have the bond with this kid that you would have with your own child. That makes it hard to dig extra deep when the time comes.

2) You are forcing your kids to be in this situation.

3) Your BF will most likely always choose his son over you, which is how it should be IMO.

4) Doing research is all well and good, but Autism is a spectrum. Not all kids will be the same or be capable of the same. To say what this boy can and cannot do based on your readings and "common sense" is in no way sensible. Autism has become a catch-all diagnosis for a group of similar symptoms. In all likelihood, there are many different illnesses/dysfunctions/defects that are currently labeled as Autism that are not really directly related except for the symptoms. As medical science progresses, these will be isolated and different treatments will be developed. For now, I would be very careful thinking that you really understand what is going on after a year of living with this child.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ForeverLost said:


> My BF and I have been off and on talking and working on things with the kids. Last week while he was gone I made dinner for all three kids, told them that was dinner. My two will eat what's put in front of them without much if any complaints. BFS son did that night as well, actually said he liked the rice (which bf says he doesnt like therefore doesnt make him eat it). Well the next day O started back peddling and anything to do with food convo "...does it have rice..." if he was told yes then he wouldn't touch it. But he ate it the night before and said he liked it. When i had him try foods it was a bite and had to finish it before making a judgement.
> This passed weekend when my BF had him try asparagus and a diff type of sausage .. the second his tongue touched it he would say "dont like it" .... I pointed out to my BF lastnight that his son has him figured out and uses that very much to his advantage. Cause "daddy will save him/cave in" to his every need and complaint. Also, told him I've done my own research on autistics, yes they have food aversions and the have meltdowns. But common sense, when a child is told no to something they want and they cry, that is a tantrum. Which Ive watched Owen do many times to get his own way. He even pulled it yesterday when he was told we're not in a financial position to spend a lot of money on a big birthday present. I had told him and my daughter both that in the truck earlier yesterday and they both understood. But when the subject came up at home between him and my BF he started to cry and throw a fit. But my BF told him to give us ideas on other stuff he would like or like to do that is within our budget.
> Both his son and my daughter have B-days within a couple wks of each other. I had explained to them both that due to the cost of having my vehicle in the shop for major repairs twice in a few week span, that their expensive bows they wanted are going to have to wait until x-mas or even next year because we still have some big expenses coming up soon too, which to me is more than an adequate explanation as to "why they can't have it". Which, my daughter came up to me today and said she just wants me to make her a youtube acct and spend time with her. I wasn't raised to be materialistic, my ex has kinda instilled that into the kids and uses toys/gifts to buy their affection. My bfs son is very materialistic.
> 
> The "acting out" from my son has mellowed a little bit. I am still looking into counselling etc for him. I've been looking at and thinking about going back to work, I need to. But I feel torn because as much as I need to financially, I also need to get my son into counselling and everything.


Seems to me there's more than just the Autism going on here...there's a difference in parenting styles too.

My SD is Autistic. If your SS is autistic, he needs regular, ongoing therapy - he needs to see an OT and a psych at the very least. The OT in particular has been instrumental in helping my darling girl. 

There's lots of components to ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and it's a real spectrum with many variations. My girl is sensory, auditory and there's a little OCD and anxiety in there too, along with the usual "typical" ASD things like lack of social skills and expressing/regulating emotions.

Then you throw in age related behaviour - and there is some age related behaviour that's not at all related to ASD - and you have a potential recipe for good or disaster, lol.

You need to find out more about *your stepson's* ASD OP (not just ASD in general), that is the key as to how you relate to him, improve his relationships with you, your kids and everyone in the household. Your kids need to understand that this little boy has a special need, and particularly if he's not getting regular specialised help, that he struggles with some things. He's not being a brat, he's not trying to be difficult, his struggles are genuine. This can be a lesson for your children in compassion and helping others.

I strongly recommend that you seek help for this little boy - the earlier he gets some intervention, the better. 

Why does your son need counselling? That seems a bit over the top.


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