# Married Women Advice Needed: Am I Being Materialistic/ Selfish?



## totobear (Jun 24, 2013)

Sorry didn't want bf to stumble upon this...deleted


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my. Ok, I think you aren't ready to get married to anyone yet. It sounds like your mom did quite the number on your thinking about marriage, and I think you need to iron out your issues before you consider it.

Because I can almost guarantee you that you will eventually regret marrying your current boyfriend if you go into it with this mindset. Marriage is tough (life is tough), and at some point you're probably going to start fantasizing about leaving him, and about what life would possibly be like with another man. And here you are, programmed your whole life long to believe it will be easier if you're married to a man with money, and conveniently you KNOW a man with money, and you love him like a brother, and he's still there waiting for you. This could be a horrible, horrible world of heartache. Throw a few kids in the mix and the heartache could fill an ocean.

I'm not sure what the answer here is. I think you definitely need to talk to a counselor and find out how to de-program yourself. Money can certainly stress a marriage, but they say once you pull in a combined 70k per year, it doesn't contribute further to happiness. If you're going to go after your PhD, I presume you'll want to work anyway, so it doesn't make sense that you'd resent your H for not providing enough to be a SAHM, for example.

Get thee to a therapist!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

totobear said:


> My mom always tells me to marry a very financially stable guy that can take care of me (the richer the better in her opinion).


My mom always told me to get an education and a good job so that I can take care of myself and not be reliant on someone else's career trajectory and goodwill.



> I wanted to get a PhD that allows me to teach part-time while I spend time taking care of the children, but this would seem impossible as I'd have to work full time in order to help support the family.


You're getting a PhD so you can teach part-time? Do you really need a PhD to teach part-time?

Anyway, they say if you marry for money you end up earning every penny.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think if money is your goal, you should focus on providing it for yourself, get a great career, learn about financial investments, etc. Do that before you ever judge someone else's earning ability.

.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh, and as for personal experience, my H and I started off poor but happy. He had virtually no good career prospects when I met him, and we barely got by. Now he makes a good income (100k+ per year), and I make about half that, so together we do pretty well. On top of that we have a pretty good amount of savings for our ages, nice house, no debt, etc. And our relationship sucks. The only way more money would improve it would be if we had enough that we could live totally separate lives and not have to see each other. Which is not what I'm thinking you're envisioning using your money for.

So, from a personal experience perspective, no, money doesn't make for a happy marriage. Then again, I'm something of an anti-consumer, so buying things doesn't make me happy. If you crave the high of a new purchase, that'd be something else to talk about with your therapist. There are healthier, less environmentally-damaging ways to feel good about yourself than consumerism.

Try reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I'm reading it right now and loving it.


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## totobear (Jun 24, 2013)

Well PhD is my dream and in order to teach in the area that I am interested in, a PhD is required. 
I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband, but I just want a comfortable life that can afford me to have lots of time to take care of my children and watch them grow.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Toto, I second Northern 100%. Your best friend deserves a woman who is sexually attracted to him. I won't even get into the fact that it is disrespectful to your boyfriend that you have a male friend who says those things to you. Think about it. 

As far as the money thing, when my husband and I married we were BROKE. When our first child was born, he was giving up fresh fruit and meat for me. Then, after she was eating solids, I was giving up meat for him. By the time our second came, we were much more comfortable. Now he makes 6 figures and I stay home. 

The reason we lasted through the lean times? We loved each other. Can you imagine going through a tough financial patch (everyone has them eventually) and NOT being madly in love with your husband? That's a surefire recipe for disaster. 

Get your education, hold off on getting married. Sit down and really think HARD about what is important to you. A broke couple in love and on the same page (financial goals, life goals) can accomplish SO much. You plan, you budget, you save.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

totobear said:


> Well PhD is my dream and in order to teach in the area that I am interested in, a PhD is required.
> I am not a gold digger looking for a billionaire husband, but I just want a comfortable life that can afford me to have lots of time to take care of my children and watch them grow.


That sounds nice in your head, I'm sure, but you're expecting someone else to earn all that money for your "comfortable life" to the point you're even contemplating marrying a nice man you don't love just because he makes a lot of money.

You really think it's a good idea to stick him with a wife who doesn't love him and feels no passion for him just so you can have the kind of lifestyle you want?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'll be blunt and just say that a marriage that is built on just finances(marrying someone for money) will not last. Your mom has really screwed up your thinking and I would suggest you go for counseling to figure out exactly what you want in life. 

You keep talking about your career goals, your life goals, and what you want, but what about your bf/future spouse? Does he have the same goals? Does he have the same values? All I have heard from you is "me, me, me...". A marriage is a partnership, with give and take, and I don't see that happening. Don't get married any time soon until you can figure out what is really important in life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'll be blunt and just say that a marriage that is built on just finances(marrying someone for money) will not last. Your mom has really screwed up your thinking and I would suggest you go for counseling to figure out exactly what you want in life.
> 
> You keep talking about your career goals, your life goals, and what you want, but what about your bf/future spouse? Does he have the same goals? Does he have the same values? All I have heard from you is "me, me, me...". A marriage is a partnership, with give and take, and I don't see that happening. Don't get married any time soon until you can figure out what is really important in life.


Nailed it. :iagree:


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

When Hub and I married, we were unemployed and broke. 

Thankfully, the unemployment only lasted a few weeks and we both ended up with great paying jobs.

We've since then lived very well and have staved off bankruptcy. 

Material items mean nothing to me. If they came and carted everything off tomorrow, I wouldn't care as long as I had him beside me.

If you don't feel that way about your man, don't marry him. 

Even if you have the best of plans and intentions, unforeseen circumstances can occur rendering you penniless and left only with your partner. Would you prefer being with someone you love or only someone who provided a check? 

Maybe I'm hopeless but I'll choose love. Every time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I married for love, lust and chemistry not money. In fact I was the breadwinner for 10 years. My husband is a hardworking man who I adore. I'm now a homemaker (10 years now) and he's a blue collar worker.

I'm of the opinion if you marry for money you will earn every penny of it.

If you want money earn it yourself.

That said yes you do need to discuss finances before you marry. My husband had a lot of debt that I paid off. However he was on board to things like budgeting and being frugal. If he had stayed a spender yes it would have caused problems because financial security is important to me. If he spent it faster than I made it I'd be upset and resentful.

Student loans bother me only when the career doesn't support it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh and why can't you work while you get your phd?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

totobear said:


> All the married women, can you please give input on how money has affected your marriage, if it has. I'd prefer it if you gave honest reflection on your own marriage and money issues. Please don't sugar coat anything for me. I know there are good and bad in marriage, money is not the end of marriage. But I also want to gain some insights into how I can prepare for it and assess what I am willing to do.


I don't know what type of woman you are personally..what makes you tick, excites you...causes you to well up with "LOVE" and admiration for a man .....as we can all be a little different.... 

I've never been very materialistic....though I was *very choosy *about some other things in a man... I care tremendously more about "the Romance"/ Love / chemistry/ sexual attraction / compatibility/ shared goals/dreams .... 

I would feel *IF you skimp on these things, it may come to BITE you down the road*... I feel the advice your mother is giving you is UN balanced.. she is clouded by her own experience... just understand, the other side of that coin may give you other emotional struggles...

Even though BIG $$ / a lavish lifestyle was never a concern to me personally... I'd consider myself a realistic dreamer with my feet on the ground....I cared a great deal that a man could live within his means, had an excellent work ethic, not goofing off, honorable on his Job/ his performance..as this speaks much his character & his future..... also that he was not wreckless, irresponsible & frivolous with his income.....

I needed those things.. Even though my "American dream" Bar is likely lower than many who are College graduates today.... 

Just give me a piece of Land, a house we can can afford with some privacy, some kids, to pay all our bills, have some saved for a rainy day, need a new roof, need another car, etc etc.. we can work on things together as they come....... take a few vacations a year.... husband being my best friend/ Lover...a lot of laughter in our home.....& I'm on top of the world. It doesn't get any better for me. 

Please don't marry your friend, he deserves a woman who is sexually attracted to him ..desires him...wants him....to be that "Cats meow"... I find it really  when a woman marries a man for $$....I can't shake that he is being USED....plus chances are she will get sick of  with him...and he'll end feeling rejected, like he's in a sexless marriage.. ...just a really bad hurtful situation! 

If you bypass the chemistry , the Romance, the deep feelings of "want" -sexually speaking here.. very good chance later in your marriage, you are going to meet some Man where that CLICKS and struggle to remain faithful to your husband...Mom didn't tell you this. 

Not everyone needs to buy New Cars and big houses when they are starting out...it's like "Living on a Prayer" - but when you have that chemistry, you LOVE being with you beloved.... it just lightens the struggle somehow...you have a vision you share together...and you fight for it.. plus the "contentment" inside you married the right man...despite the debt. 

Sure his Loans are scary but they all start out like that - over time he will pay all of this off... if you marry your friend... in 10-15 yrs you may regret it -and see your boyfriend happily married to another woman, 3 beautiful kids and think you made the biggest mistake of your life... You don't want regrets like that.

I married my husband when he worked in a Grocery Store...Heard this song yesterday on the radio.. .I always stop whatever I am doing...and let these words penetrate... this is how we felt in those early years... We'd do it all over again . 

Danny's Song 



> Even though we ain't got money
> I'm so in love with you, honey,
> And everything will bring a chain of love.
> And in the morning, when I rise,
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Good one SA!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't know what type of woman you are personally..what makes you tick, excites you...causes you to well up with "LOVE" and admiration for a man .....as we can all be a little different....
> 
> I've never been very materialistic....though I was *very choosy *about some other things in a man... I care tremendously more about "the Romance"/ Love / chemistry/ sexual attraction / compatibility/ shared goals/dreams ....
> 
> ...


Simply Amorous has it together :iagree:

For me, nothing could be more satisfying than being married to my best friend and best lover. I love my wife with ever fiber in my being... I have enjoyed every moment of raising our two kids. I cannot imagine any other life.

Trust me, it is way better to be happy than to be rich... Material possessions just don't matter when you are in love.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It's a lot harder to find someone who your compatible with and see would be a great father than earning money.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hambone said:


> Simply Amorous has it together :iagree:
> 
> For me, nothing could be more satisfying than being married to my best friend and best lover. I love my wife with ever fiber in my being... I have enjoyed every moment of raising our two kids. I cannot imagine any other life.
> 
> Trust me, it is way better to be happy than to be rich... Material possessions just don't matter when you are in love.


You could be happy and rich.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

totobear said:


> Am I Being Materialistic/ Selfish?


Yes on both counts. And it's coming from somebody whose parents struggled financially and constantly fought over money. 

And no, i'm not judging you. But you're going about it all wrong. Being financially independent is one way to go. Or if you marry somebody for money, figure out how to contribute in other ways to your marriage. Nothing is really free in life IMHO.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

I'm working 2 jobs because my husband is unemployed. He lost the job he had for 3 years a month after getting married. The biggest thing we fight about is money. To be honest, I wouldn't change things even if he stayed unemployed and decided to go back to college. We are unbreakable as long as we're on the same wavelength, and broke or rich I am content as long as he's with me. 

I'm not judging. For some people money is an important factor in choosing their mate. I hope it works out, but when they lose their income due to some unforseen circumstance do you stay or do you go? That's the question you need to ask yourself and if it doesn't involve sticking it out I wouldn't recommend getting married.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You could be happy and rich.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who is richer?

A guy sitting on a riverbank fishing with a cane pole and a bucket of worms who loves his family and is content?

Or the guy cruising up the river in a $3,000,000 yacht who wishes he had a $6,000,000 yacht?

ETA: And is willing to sacrifice his family, his health, .... everything to get that $6,000,000 yacht... and once he get's it... wants a $12,000,000 yacht?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hambone said:


> Who is richer?
> 
> A guy sitting on a riverbank fishing with a cane pole and a bucket of worms who loves his family and is content?
> 
> Or the guy cruising up the river in a $3,000,000 yacht who wishes he had a $6,000,000 yacht?


We'd surely be the family with the bucket of worms....

Also the family who drives to Disney in a Rented Minivan cause our Suburban is so old (a '97)..what if it doesn't make the 18 hr trip ! We'd never dare stay on site (that would be outrageous!)..... we'd load our stroller with snacks & frozen water to avoid their sky rocketed prices (though not a total kill joy- we'll splurge on 1 meal)....and we think we have the world at our feet.... so thankful to BE there....

Standing there watching those Fireworks at Magic Kingdom...I shed a few tears, just so overjoyed a couple yrs back....husband by my side, kids up on our shoulders - huddled together. 










We buy 90% of our clothes at Consignment shops, enjoy Flea marketing too....we get excited when we find deals!.....I still carry a tracfone... no desire for an expensive cell plan.....We've never had a dishwasher - I wouldn't even want one! I'm the happy washer & there is 8 of us. 

Maybe some would find that "half living" I suppose.... but we feel like this >> 

Sometimes I think the "dreaming"...the striving to reach a mountain top together ...keeps us alive & kicking......when you finally get there...and see you have need of nothing....some just find they want MORE... 

The ones who can look back and see the JOY in the climb, the progress they made hand in hand....this IS contentment... a thankfulness for life & living.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SA, you really do find the BEST smilies! Haha!




SimplyAmorous said:


>





hambone said:


> Who is richer?
> 
> A guy sitting on a riverbank fishing with a cane pole and a bucket of worms who loves his family and is content?
> 
> ...


Boom! So true. :iagree:


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## totobear (Jun 24, 2013)

Thank you ladies for the advice/opinon...and thanks SA, your stories are truly touching. It has helped me tremendously to know about the struggle of others marriage and how well they turned out. I really don't know much about marriage outside that of my parents and relatives. It gives me better hope that my potential future marriage will not end up like my parents


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> Fine, as far as you go with this. However, I want to say that it is odd that you don't mention "our" children in the comment. as in, you know, the guy you'll have them with?


Good point. OP, you already see the future with your kids as your family and your husband as the money source. Your future husband is already on the outside and your kids haven't even been born yet. Frankly, that's a recipe for unhappiness and divorce. Don't marry anyone at this point.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

totobear said:


> My parents didn't have a happy marriage, they are still together nonetheless and there are less fights/arguments since they are older now. But I didn't exactly have a pleasant childhood because they'd have yelling arguments very often and sometimes they'd get so bad that chairs were being thrown (seriously).
> 
> My mom always tells me to marry a very financially stable guy that can take care of me (the richer the better in her opinion). She said that she didn't marry my dad for money and she didn't think it was that important. But she later learned the hard way how bad life can get when the husband can't provide enough. My mom had to work a full time job all her life on top of taking care of the kids in order help support us. And many times the arguments she had with dad was about bills/mortgage and the lack of money.
> 
> ...


How do you support yourself now? How will you pay for approx. 4more years of education?

Pardon me if I am wrong, but are you looking to get married to someone who will financially support you completely while you go to school for approx. 4 more years?

Seriously?

If so, I completely disagree with adults who want other adults to support them 100% financially with the exception of an SAHM/SAHD because I consider that a full-time job, unpaid but full-time work nevertheless.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

totobear said:


> Thank you ladies for the advice/opinon...and thanks SA, your stories are truly touching. It has helped me tremendously to know about the struggle of others marriage and how well they turned out. I really don't know much about marriage outside that of my parents and relatives. It gives me better hope that my potential future marriage will not end up like my parents


Can you tell me something about your parents....what was the problem? 

As it's very True that fighting over  is like in the top 3 of Marital issues - that lead to strife, much fighting, disconnection, even divorce for many... (not denying this)...only after the other 2 biggies... *Communication*, and *Sex*... 

I feel learning/ knowing/ understanding IF you are both on the same page - in your goals, determination & discipline to pay off this debt...the same Page financially....this is HUGE... just not to throw him away cause of his school debt.. .it's like the only debt we can't help -really ..it's like "honorable debt" somehow...you acquire it to Get where you are going. 

As for your parents, I wonder if One was a spender/ both spenders/ or one a saver.... and they fought for years.. so many areas of compatibility to wade through... I did a thread on this...after observing our own marriage / and reading so many stories here --I compiled a list of 15 things ...

Take a moment & read through these... see where you & your current Boyfriend ARE ... then even do a little evaluation on your Parents... where they had it "going on" - or missed it BADLY.. to result in the difficult marriage you have seen growing up.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Happiness is something that comes from you. You choose to place priority on certain things more than others.

So, if money and status are important, then go out and become independently wealthy. Why should that rely on marriage?

What does marriage mean to you? What do you want it to look like and feel like in your heart?

If you can't answer those questions, get some therapy and stay single for a while. You can't find happiness in someone else.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We'd surely be the family with the bucket of worms....
> 
> Also the family who drives to Disney in a Rented Minivan cause our Suburban is so old (a '97)..what if it doesn't make the 18 hr trip ! We'd never dare stay on site (that would be outrageous!)..... we'd load our stroller with snacks & frozen water to avoid their sky rocketed prices (though not a total kill joy- we'll splurge on 1 meal)....and we think we have the world at our feet.... so thankful to BE there....
> 
> ...


You are teaching your kids what is really important in life. 

It's not the material things... it's bonding with people. 

Your kids will be the kind who have fond memories of their childhood. They will look forwards to spending time with you as adults... and bringing those grand kids around to visit. 

:smthumbup:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I married my PhD/assistant professor H right after I finished my own PhD in a field that would never promise a lot of dollars. We had two children at a time when we were barely comfortable financially and I was able to work in my field part-time and spend the rest of my waking hours taking care of my children.

My H's ambitions changed over time & he moved from the professor to the director to the VP, much to my astonishment at times. So, you never really know how finances will work out. I certainly would never have predicted that we would wind up where we are now.

That being said, OP, you say that you have a spark with your H. When I got married, my father joked that my H stood at the altar with a powerful magnet that dragged me at breakneck speed up the aisle and into his arms. I almost felt like I got married in spite of myself. There simply was nothing else to do, that's how strong and inevitable the chemistry and love was (and still is, I will add).

If you are actually considering this old friend as a potential alternative to the man you are in love with, then I would question how strong your spark really is. I also agree with others here that your mother's advice is coloring your calculations way too much. Two people with advanced degrees should be able to cover the bills, even with kids.

(And fwiw, I never regretted the PhD in a field that I love, even when I was barely making 10 hours/week at my job when my kids were babies.)


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

If I was the OP's BF I'd run the other way. How conceited of her mother.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wow I can't believe I just read that OP. Do your BF a favor and leave him, he deserves a good woman that will love him and work hard side by side building a great past, present and future. 

PS: With 300K in student loan debt and you still in school I sincerly recommend you not have kids because you will struggle. Student loan debt is not dischargable EVER so its will you forever until you die.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I think it's more important that you and spouse have well matched spending style than what the income is.

H and I are both very frugal and we spent decades in a low income bracket. With an average income <40K for some 20 years and a household size which grew to 10, we bought, improved, and sold our primary residence for three moves and built up enough equity that we now own 3 houses outright (no mortgages). Two are rentals.

If one of us was a spender who had to have brand new cars, eat out a lot, shop in malls... well, we wouldn't have much to show for it by now. We drive old cars, eat at home, and shop in thrift stores a lot and we have never FELT poor.

That said, as a mother, I can tell you that there's certain things I warn MY daughters about and really, that comes out of my own pain and struggles. eg. my 17 yo is dating an uber-fundamentalist and I really hate the thought of her being under the whole "submissive wife" BS because I was under that and it's hell. But she has to make her own choices. 

Many many things could potentially cause marital strain. That's just reality. Marry someone who loves and respects you. That is what I tell my daughters. As long as you love and respect each other, you can work through conflicts.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

On the student loan debt, my oldest (29 yod) had 120K debt (med school) and what her and her husband have done is live on his income as an engineer and put her entire salary as a resident (58K) towards the debt. She graduated med school last year and has already paid the debt down to 50K.

If you agree not to ratchet up lifestyle and to focus like a laser beam on paying off debt, you can potentially eliminate the debt fairly fast.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your mother gave you some good advice inside some bad advice and wrong headedness.

The good:
It is wise to be practical in choosing a husband.
Choose a guy based on the spark PLUS a practical evaluation.
300K worth of debt is insane. That's 3 years worht of income... Based on taxes more like 5 years. 100% of his work for 5 years of a 30 year career going to pay for student loan... That's a huge number.

The bad:
Men are not drones designed for your financial benefit. You have a responsibility to yourself to be able to provide for yourself. A marriage is a partnership where each person brings somethign valuable to the table. You should focus on the value that you can bring into a marriage and the quality of person you are. Then choose a husband wisely.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I was thinking about your situation and the amt of student debt- 300K- this could be a red flag. That's a LOT of debt which may reflect a lack of self control re:spending habits during school.

A counselor told me that women tend to pick someone much like their dad. It's subconscious. I did it. Dad was a serial adulterer and alcoholic. I picked a fundy Christian with parents and grandparents who had long term stable marriages thinking he would be safe, but he has been a serial adulterer and abused alcohol at times. 

We remain married and my husband and I have sexual chemistry to this day, but there is not much in the way of heart to heart connection and emotional intimacy.

If I could go back in time and was in your shoes, I would seriously consider giving the guy who is your *FRIEND* a solid chance. You can potentially have sexual chemistry with many men but I think having a real heart to heart connection is rarer.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

totobear said:


> Thank you ladies for the advice/opinon...and thanks SA, your stories are truly touching. It has helped me tremendously to know about the struggle of others marriage and how well they turned out. I really don't know much about marriage outside that of my parents and relatives. It gives me better hope that my potential future marriage will not end up like my parents


I'm a guy(hope you don't mind my input), and i agree with everything SA wrote. I especially agree that you shouldn't marry your friend due to not being attracted to him. It sounds like he is attracted to you, so that just wouldn't work. 

I'm sure it's not that you find him repulsive, after all, he's you're friend, and you like him enough that you actually considered whether to marry him. However, if there is no spark for him, i feel it wouldn't work. I'm sure he would want a strong sexual relationship, as many men need, and if you have no spark for him, that would get old fast and cause resentment.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

totobear said:


> I am pursuing a PhD track after I graduate and that means I will be in school .....for at least another 3-4 years.
> 
> I am 29 and he's 33. I honestly want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years.


How is that going to work?


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