# Don't want to end up homeless after the divorce



## Member (Aug 7, 2013)

My wife recently announced she wants a divorce.

We've been married almost 15 years and have a small child together. I've had health issues the entire marriage which prevented/limited my ability to work. So my wife was the primary provider and I was a stay/work-at-home dad/husband and provided a supplementary income as I was able to.

My wife has given me a few months to move out, which is generous, but I fear it will still not be enough.

I am currently working two part-time jobs from home, but combined they are still not enough to survive.

I can't seem to improve my employment/financial situation due to my health issues and essentially being out of the workplace for 15 years.

I will also lose my health insurance after the divorce which will make it harder, if not impossible, to get better.

I considered social security disability and/or public assistance, but it looks like they make it an extremely long and difficult process and I don't know/think I qualify.

I currently don't have anyone that will take me in until I can get on my feet, so that's not an option.

What can I do? I feel if I pursue spousal support it will be viewed negatively when that is not the case at all.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Swallow your pride and go after spousal support.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If he's moving out I'm guessing that means the child will be staying with her, which might make spousal support difficult. Even if he gets it he'll owe child support, just because he's not working doesn't mean he doesn't have to contribute to his child, so that will likely cancel any spousal support. Even then it would be a temporary solution, he's going to have to come up with a long term plan to support himself. Whether it's disability, a job, or school to get a job he can handle, you can't honestly think his wife is going to have to support him forever.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He is a SAHD and support would yes be temporary.

After 10 years of marriage most homemakers are entitled to a few years of support while they get back on their feet. In my fantasy I'd like to think the same would be true for a dad in this position.

To the OP don't move out until you figure this out. Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are. She can't MAKE you move out until the D is final. That should buy you some time to figure this out.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You should also be entitled to half of everything, meaning if she stays in the house she has to buy you out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> He is a SAHD and support would yes be temporary.
> 
> After 10 years of marriage most homemakers are entitled to a few years of support while they get back on their feet. In my fantasy I'd like to think the same would be true for a dad in this position.
> 
> To the OP don't move out until you figure this out. Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are. She can't MAKE you move out until the D is final. That should buy you some time to figure this out.



Oh you're right about that, I was just pointing out that he's going to need a long term plan to get on his feet, which right now he doesn't have. And he'll still owe her child support if she has the child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You should also be entitled to half of everything, meaning if she stays in the house she has to buy you out.


Not necessarily true where there are minor children involved. In my divorce I kept the house because I had our two kids, the agreement (as dictated by the law) was that if I sold it of course he was to get his half and if I hadn't done it by the time our youngest turned 18 then I either had to buy him out or sell it and give him half. In the end I remarried and he bought it from me, for a very good deal I might add. Any assets they have will be half his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Lawyer up! Get a free consultation or two or three with someone who specializes in father's rights.
Why do you have to move out?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I understand your hesitation regarding spousal support. It can make a man feel, well, not like a man. 

First thing is first. You can't worry about how it is viewed by others. So throw that thought away.

Second, if you really prefer to be financially independent, you can always position yourself to opt out of spousal support when things get better. If it really bothers you, you can expedite the process by being overly determined. You can also enroll in a college program that somewhat guarantees you a living wage once you graduate. Make her pay for that program. I think it's very fair.

Listen man, my wife entered our marriage with $200 and is now leaving it with 2 degrees that I paid for, a luxury car and hundreds of thousands of dollars from a house that I made the down payment and mortgage payments on. I don't hate her for it. It was my decision to do all that for her and if it helps her live a better life in the future, well, that's a good enough reason for me to be content with my seemingly stupid generosity. 

Your wife will come to terms with your spousal support too. She has to.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Member said:


> My wife recently announced she wants a divorce.
> 
> We've been married almost 15 years and have a small child together. I've had health issues the entire marriage which prevented/limited my ability to work. So my wife was the primary provider and I was a stay/work-at-home dad/husband and provided a supplementary income as I was able to.
> 
> ...


Start the process with Social Security anyway. Yes, it may take a long time, but get it going now, don't wait til your divorced. If you get disability, you'll also qualify for Medicare. Contact your state and see if you might qualify for Medicaid or another state program in the meantime. 



Member said:


> I currently don't have anyone that will take me in until I can get on my feet, so that's not an option.
> 
> What can I do? I feel if I pursue spousal support it will be viewed negatively when that is not the case at all.


There's nothing noble about choosing to live in a cardboard box. How will you have visitation with your child if you can't afford a place to live? Go for the support. Sure it may be temporary, but it's something.

Don't let her drive this bus. Settlements are negotiable. Just because you have a child doesn't mean she automatically gets to keep the house without compensating you. I would think your health and employment situation, along with the length of your marriage would give you leverage to ask for a buy-out or to force a sale. That would give you something with which to start over. If she complains, tough crap. She can't expect to get everything she asks for. Be sure to look into getting part of her retirement, too. I was married for 10 years when my ex announced he wanted out. He was on disability at the time, but my income and his SS payments were fairly equal. I still had to give him half my retirement. Because he didn't have any from past jobs, I got nothing. You've been married even longer. If she has a retirement plan, go for it. 

Definitely check out a few lawyers for free consultations. Call your county courthouse and see if they can point you to any legal clinics for low-income people.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Your wife wants the divorce. Dont take this laying down! Get legal consultations. The first one is usually free. Heck go see every lawyer in town if you can. Might make it difficult for to get one. Do the best you can to take the emotion out of it and treat it like an aggressive business deal. In the end, all of the debts/assets and income offsets will be tabulated to see how the equitable distribution will come out. Stand up for your rights. If the situation were reversed, you know she would.


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## Member (Aug 7, 2013)

Thanks for the support.

We don't own a house, we're renting one. I think the lease is in both our names and it expires early next year. We agreed we would continue living together until the lease was up and either she would renew it in her name or she was going to buy a house. I would go wherever I could go, probably rent a room from someone which would be the cheapest option.

We agreed to split the money 50/50, which isn't much.

We also agreed on joint physical custody, but I guess this will depend on my living arrangement at the time.

The tricky part was me. When I said what do you expect me to do if I'm sick, can't support myself, and don't have health insurance to get better? She angrily said so you're gonna come after me for money? She makes it sound like a spiteful thing, when it's not. It's purely based on necessity and when asked what she suggests, she was silent.

Free consultation sounds good. I will definitely pursue that. Especially one that specializes in Father's Rights.

As for the disability. One of my health issues is chronic pain. It is my understanding that they do not cover chronic pain unless it is verifiable. I've had two CT scans of the area that were negative. I also have mental health issues and unless you're inpatient, which I'm not, they won't cover you as well.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> She angrily said so you're gonna come after me for money?


Well it's her wish to kill the marriage not yours (right?). She can't be angry about her own choices. She chose to marry you and now she's choosing to divorce. Both decisions have consequences and she seems to want to run away from consequences all the time. She couldn't stick around to face the consequences of marrying you, and now she doesn't want to face the consequences of divorcing you.

Someone has to give her a shot of reality. Let it be you.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

One thing I am curious about... you said you have two jobs that let you work from home. What kind of work are you doing and is the income from those two jobs really not enough to rent a small two-bedroom apartment or a room from someone? I mean I don't know the cost of living where you live, and these jobs could be the equivilent of paper routes for all I know, but it just has me thinking that these jobs must not add up to much if you can't afford a basic living for a small apartment, food and utilities. (Health insurance/prescriptions however, I totally understand that unfortunately)

I'm not saying you shouldn't go after what you can get however. If your wife makes substantially more than you, then you aught to go after spousal support. If you are a good father, then you aught to have 50% residential custody, period.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Well it's her wish to kill the marriage not yours (right?). She can't be angry about her own choices. She chose to marry you and now she's choosing to divorce. Both decisions have consequences and she seems to want to run away from consequences all the time. She couldn't stick around to face the consequences of marrying you, and now she doesn't want to face the consequences of divorcing you.
> 
> Someone has to give her a shot of reality. Let it be you.



But even if he gets spousal support it's not going to be forever. 15 years is not enough even in the few states that still have lifetime alimony. He needs a long term plan to support himself; right now the attitude seems to be "well I can't work so you have to support me forever". That's not the way it works, it's to help him get on his feet. What if SHE gets sick and can't work? It happens. And spousal support isn't to punish a spouse, as much as you clearly want to see her punished, as nobody is obligated to stay married. It's to help a non working spouse transition to working life, which is where he needs his plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Member said:


> As for the disability. One of my health issues is chronic pain. It is my understanding that they do not cover chronic pain unless it is verifiable. I've had two CT scans of the area that were negative. *I also have mental health issues and unless you're inpatient, which I'm not, they won't cover you as well.*


I don't know who told you this, but I know for a fact this is not true. My ex was never in in-patient care for a single day, and he was granted disability for mental illness. I know others for whom this is true, also. You will need an evaluation, though. Are you receiving treatment? Taking meds? It is worth a try. I don't know where you live, but look for a local chapter of NAMI or a county mental health provider and see if someone there can help you navigate the application process. 

NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | State & Local NAMIs


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Agree. My dad got disability for mental illness. Not sure how but he did. He never was inpatient anywhere either. 

Spend 5 minutes with my dad and you'd know he's not well enough to work anywhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I don't know who told you this, but I know for a fact this is not true. My ex was never in in-patient care for a single day, and he was granted disability for mental illness. I know others for whom this is true, also. You will need an evaluation, though. Are you receiving treatment? Taking meds? It is worth a try. I don't know where you live, but look for a local chapter of NAMI or a county mental health provider and see if someone there can help you navigate the application process.
> 
> NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | State & Local NAMIs


I got SSI for my nephew. He spent 2 months in patient and was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenic. I don't think that 2 months is much more than never being impatient. IT was the diagnosis that counted .. and his inability to work. It took no more than 6 months to get him SSI. Was not hard at all.


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## Member (Aug 7, 2013)

> What kind of work are you doing and is the income from those two jobs really not enough to rent a small two-bedroom apartment or a room from someone?


I work on the computer. The pay is good per hour, just not enough hours. I did mention renting a room in post 12.

Regarding disability, I thought I had read that on their site. But, that's encouraging news and I will certainly look into it.

However, I am concerned that the more my illnesses are brought to light it may affect custody or visitation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Member said:


> I work on the computer. The pay is good per hour, just not enough hours. I did mention renting a room in post 12.
> 
> Regarding disability, I thought I had read that on their site. But, that's encouraging news and I will certainly look into it.
> 
> However, I am concerned that the more my illnesses are brought to light it may affect custody or visitation.


It depends on the kind of illness you have.

For SSI you can only earn 700 a month I believe. SSI is poverty because you are not allowed to earn much and it's not a lot of $$... it's max about $698 a month. SSDI is basically early social security payments an can be higher by quite a bit.

Are you the primary care giver for your children right now?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Member said:


> I work on the computer. The pay is good per hour, just not enough hours. I did mention renting a room in post 12.
> 
> Regarding disability, I thought I had read that on their site. But, that's encouraging news and I will certainly look into it.
> 
> However, I am concerned that the more my illnesses are brought to light it may affect custody or visitation.


I can't imagine why your illnesses would affect your visitation, unless the kids aren't safe with you. I assume this isn't the case since you've been a sahd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

My ex is on SSDI for mental illness (depression and OCD, to be precise), and he shares 50% custody with me. And once you are on SSDI, you may qualify for training for other employment or for school. Definitely check into it.


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## Member (Aug 7, 2013)

If you're not on medication will it affect disability, custody, or spousal support?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't know if it will -- I would think the main thing would be whether or not you're receiving some kind of treatment. Not everything can be treated with a medication, and I would assume the folks at SS know this. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist treating you, they will probably have to fill out some kind of evaluation. After that, you may or may not have to also be evaluated by someone at SS. My ex didn't because his psychiatrist was very persuasive on her own, apparently. I know others who had to have a second eval.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

How are you doing, Member? Geez... Your situation is painfully similar to mine, except I haven't been married as long.

Hoping you are well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

You absolutely need to apply now for SSI. Get that process going. You dont have any friends that can take you in temporarily?


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Pending where you live, if you really are disabled, she may be on the hook for lifetime spousal; I know it has happened in my state before. You need to talk to a lawyer to figure it out however.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> If he's moving out I'm guessing that means the child will be staying with her, which might make spousal support difficult. Even if he gets it he'll owe child support, just because* he's not working doesn't mean he doesn't have to contribute to his child*, so that will likely cancel any spousal support. .


This is not true. If he makes no income he will not have to pay child support. She could end up paying both spousal support and child support to him.




lifeistooshort said:


> Even then it would be a temporary solution, he's going to have to come up with a long term plan to support himself. Whether it's disability, a job, or school to get a job he can handle, you can't honestly think his wife is going to have to support him forever.


I don't think any one is suggesting that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

A portion of my ex's SS disability is separately direct-deposited as a dependent benefit to our son. Since we have 50/50 physical custody, we split that money. If I had 100% physical custody, I would have gotten all of that money. It has nothing to do with how much I make or how much my ex makes -- it's because it's our son's money. And my ex's disability was considered as 'income' in the divorce process.

It's possible that some of the OP's benefits would go to his dependents as well. So that would take away possibility of him owing child support, most likely.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is not true. If he makes no income he will not have to pay child support. She could end up paying both spousal support and child support to him.
> 
> Not true about child support. Unemployment does not relieve the legal obligation to support children. Most states have an absolute minimum, even 25 or 50 dollars a month. Paying this statutory minimum depends on whether or not the court finds him to be voluntarily underemployed. So not working doesn't' relieve one of the obligation to pay child support.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> Not true about child support. Unemployment does not relieve the legal obligation to support children. Most states have an absolute minimum, even 25 or 50 dollars a month. Paying this statutory minimum depends on whether or not the court finds him to be voluntarily underemployed. So not working doesn't' relieve one of the obligation to pay child support.


The way most, if not all, states calculate child support is that they will look at both of their income. It's a formula of how much each parent earns and how much time the child spends with each parent. If she earns significantly more than he does and they have 50/50 custody arrangement, she will be paying him child support.




Pluto2 said:


> And working two part time jobs may make it more difficult to receive disability, since it demonstrates an ability to work. But that's a much more complicated issue.


The rule for SSI is that a person cannot earn more than $700 a month. So if his two part-time jobs bring in no more than $700 he will get full SSI. If he earns over $700 then they will hold back some of the SSI. I think it's $1 held back for every $2 over the $700 a month. 

SSDI has a similar formula.


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