# Best for both of us?



## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

I'm considering leaving my husband of a couple years for both of our sakes.' Here's the skinny ...

Our sex life is slim to none. He has to initiate due to my general lack of interest in him physically (he put on a lot of weight, stopped styling his hair or caring much about grooming, etc). When we get going, he seems to just expect to be serviced, rather than making it a mutual enjoyment thing. That's not healthy for either of us.

Our finances aren't a wreck, but they aren't great, either. The savings drained while he was unemployed. He bought a car while we were engaged without consulting me, and did not get a good rate on it. After we got married he opened a credit card without asking me either. I don't realistically see us ever being able to save up again, have a vacation, or retire. I know this is a tender issue for him. However I'm unable to relate to this and I'm sure it shows. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to live paycheck-to-paycheck for the rest of time, either. The stress is taking its toll.

He's born and raised in the area. I moved here because he refused to move to the state where I was. Despite assurances before and after the wedding that we'd pick another "neutral" state down the road to move to and settle down, he's made it plain that he never wants to leave here. When I bring the topic up, he says things like "I just want to put in another year on the job before I transfer," etc. Even though it really isn't necessary. I get the feeling I'm going to live and die in a state I can't stand, and it's making me jittery and bitter.

The last piece of the puzzle is this: I find myself reverting back to "single" me. I'm starting to develop outside friends and hobbies; I colored my hair, and started wearing makeup and jewelry again; my confidence is back and better than ever. And I realized that not a lick of it is for him - it's all for me. When he compliments my new look, I smile, say thanks, and stop giving him the time of day. My physical and social improvements haven't led to him trying for sex or improving himself any in turn, and so I'm emotionally checked out. I'm enjoying me for me.

Marriage takes two, and we've both got our faults. I'm selfish and self-centered; he's emotionally immature and unwilling to be adult in our marriage. I don't see him growing up, or me compromising any more than I already have. 

When we agreed to marry, we agreed that divorce wasn't an option. Ever. But that was _before_ I realized that marriage really doesn't fix any of your personal flaws (and may in fact make them worse). I'm growing more convinced that I will have to eat crow and ask him for a divorce. It will hurt like hell for everyone involved, but I think we'd _both_ be better off.

Anyone else out there dealing with similar?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No where in here do I see anything about love.

You seem more focused on the physical aspect of your re;ationship and none of the spiritual part.

Did you ever feel love for the man or was it all about the sex?

You also noted that you just started to wear make-up again. So basically, you let yourself go too and it's all his fault he turned to food for comfort?

I think that while some of his other issues are definitely a concern and he needs some help, both from you and a professional, you are also in need of some guidance!

Let him know how you feel. Tell him you are disconnecting from him over these issues and if he wants to try and keep the marriage intact, certain things need to change. 

That being said, marriage is not all about doing everything YOU want. It's more about comprise. Could be that while he agreed to ALL your issues pre-nup because he loved you and didn't want to lose you, he now has second thoughts about your demands


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Toffer is on the money here.

You BOTH need counseling here. If one or both of you are unwilling to seek MC, at least go to IC for yourself. The reason being, if you just jump out of this marriage, SabrinaBlue, without ever acknowledging what YOUR responsibilities in its failure have been, then you'll continue to have the same relationships over and over. Oh sure, maybe the next guy will have more money, but aside from less financial stress ALL THE OTHER PROBLEMS are still going to be there. Work on YOU for YOU.

You admit to being selfish and self-centered, not charming attributes in anyone. Yet a lot of what you say about your husband shows HIS selfishness (buying a car w/o discussion during engagement, credit card w/o discussion, refusing to move to neutral state after agreement was reached.) Will you just get involved with ANOTHER selfish man and butt heads again? 

Go to counseling, be open-minded to change (we're none of us perfect, as you know), set goals for yourself short- and long-term.

I think counseling will give YOU the answers you seek on this marriage. If you husband agrees to go, I think he will get answers as well. If he won't go, at least YOU will be prepared to do as you see fit.

Good luck!


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

You both raise some good points. Thanks for that.

Toffer, you're right: I came across really cold and loveless towards my husband. That's wrong. I do love him, and go figure, he loves me back. We're just seeing less of that showing towards each other, and more of our problems rearing their heads. That's what's led me to even consider the option.

Anyway, I stopped wearing makeup and making any fuss after _he_ stopped grooming, because I felt like since he wasn't putting any effort into himself, why was _I _bothering? It hurt that he stopped taking care of himself. I reacted to that hurt by doing likewise. I recognize that he is probably depressed and needs some help, and that I need to be supportive of that instead of focusing just on myself.

Well ... having given it all some thought overnight, I'm going to take the D-word off the table. Neither of us have ever done any counseling, but I'm open to it. I'm going to explore local counseling options through our insurance, then present the idea to him. Who knows? Maybe he'll be relieved I've broached the subject, and we can turn a corner here.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good attitude, Sabrina! Good luck to you both!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sabrina,
You also should have him go to the Dr. and get checked for depression if you thinkthis may be an issue.

The Dr can also point out issues regarding his weight gain and the health affects it has

You will need to bring up his issue of grooming at some point too but that would probably best be done in some sort of joint counseling session.

Once you've done all your research, you'll need to approach him in a non-threatening way about starting counseling. Tell him you love him but that you feel there are issues that are driving a wedge between the two of you and you've realized that some of those issues are yours (don't point out that the rest are his, he'll figure it out).

Tell him that you want to make your marriage even better and want to get into some joint counseling with him to get past the issues that are blocking your marriage from being even better on a spirititual and physical level


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Boy. It's quite a little sting to look back at this thread and see where my head was when I first posted. It hasn't even been two weeks, but in that time, my outlook on our marriage has changed - in large part thanks to this forum.

So, update time: my husband has tackled his hygiene issues head-on ... and without any urging from me! We've been showering a lot together too, which has increased our intimacy. Speaking of intimacy ... we've been together a few times now in the past week or so, and it's been wonderful. 

Something we've both been doing is texting and leaving fridge magnet notes expressing our love and affection. We've also been incorporating more affectionate touching into our time together. These little actions are definitely improving our relationship.

Counseling is out for us at this time (job and insurance changes), but we're committed to fixing our marriage together. Thanks for all your help in this, TAM.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Boy. It's quite a little sting to look back at this thread and see where my head was when I first posted. It hasn't even been two weeks, but in that time, my outlook on our marriage has changed - in large part thanks to this forum.
> 
> So, update time: my husband has tackled his hygiene issues head-on ... and without any urging from me! We've been showering a lot together too, which has increased our intimacy. Speaking of intimacy ... we've been together a few times now in the past week or so, and it's been wonderful.
> 
> ...


That's great to hear!

Do you have to finances to join a gym together?


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

We could afford the $10 no-contract gym. However, I know us both well enough to know that we probably wouldn't keep going out and doing it. So I'm going to ask that we save up together to buy some used exercise equipment for the apartment. As much as we use Netflix, we can exercise at the same time!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Since money is an issue, go to the library...it's FREE!

Check out some books on self-help for you. H may want to do the same. Check out some books on improving your marriage, or improving your communication skills or improving your sex life and READ THEM TOGETHER. Discuss the ideas in the books (some you may agree with, some you won't agree with, and some you can agree to disagree about.) By reading JOINTLY through the books, you will be communicating with EACH OTHER and understand each other better. (Bet the sex will just keep getting better, too!!!)

Best of luck, and think about contributing YOUR thoughts to other people's threads. YOU have made a breakthrough ON YOUR OWN and that can be INVALUABLE to someone else's situation!


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Thanks! I've been tossing my two cents into a few other threads, and hopefully being of some help. This forum really is such a lifesaver.

Great advice on the library books. Will look into this.


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Anyone else out there dealing with similar?


Sometimes what these message boards are about is the knowledge that we are not alone, that our situation is not unique and others feel the way that we do.

So despite the fact that I went and had an affair and compounded our issues, I just want to say YES. I am dealing with some of the same feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction. 

We don't have the financial issues, but we do have a country/country issue that is similar to your state issue. I am far from home (Canada) and miss it and my family desperately. 

Someone asked you about love...but sometimes I wonder if love is enough.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> We could afford the $10 no-contract gym. However, I know us both well enough to know that we probably wouldn't keep going out and doing it. So I'm going to ask that we save up together to buy some used exercise equipment for the apartment. As much as we use Netflix, we can exercise at the same time!


Since you mention NetFlix, they have a HUGE selection of workout DVDs you can borrow. Might be a cheap and fun way to get some exercise in.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sabrina,

I am so very happy for you!

Your original post really struck me and that's why I had to comment back then. It's good to hear that you guys have made alot of progress in so little time.

Remember that this too is a job. It requires constant work!

I think that if there's no commitment to the $10/month gym, you should try it! Promise to be each other's motivator to go for at least the next 4 to 6 months. Promise yourselves that the reward will be a sensual shower at home when your done with your workouts. I know that would keep me going there!


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

missinglife, I'm glad you came over to this thread. I've been pondering your own situation and will re-post over there again as well, but first ... I'm going to share some more insight here.

I'm still dissatisfied with living in the state that we do. Nothing's going to change that short of moving. But in the meantime, I've been combating the homesickness by making our apartment more of a "home." Been hanging more art, ordered a baker's rack with a gift card, etc. I realized that part of the reason I felt so restless was because our apartment didn't feel "finished," even though we've lived here for some time now. So I'll ask you: is it the same way with you? Is your house "unfinished" feeling?

Our sex life has improved through my efforts to love my husband as a _person_, instead of just a _body_. I'm loving _him_. I'm not concentrating on delivering the quickest physical reaction possible; I'm out to show him my love and affection. Learning this was a deeply valuable lesson. I have a distinct feeling that this is a lesson you can benefit from too.

missinglife, here's another piece of advice for you: use self-talk. I learned about it during Sociology courses a few years back, and at the time I thought it was hokey. Turns out it's _awesome_. Example: I have a habit of telling my husband everything - including things he could do without knowing. So now, before I start to divulge, I stop and think, "Is telling him this going to improve his day? Will he be able to help, or will it bother him to hear this? " Proceed accordingly.

None of this is easy. It requires conscious work and effort. But it's doable.


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