# taken for a ride



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

talkin to husband on facebook right now, he's still unsure, he feels what we did completely devalued our marriage, which it did, that that's why he doesn't feel bad about his EA, he feels empty inside, she makes him feel good. He is such a mess, won't go to counseling, etc. He doesn't see how it clouds his perceptions of me and us...I am gonna beat myself against a wall. He says he doesn't know what to feel to think, our marriage has no meaning...I don't know what to think, but he doesn't want to make a wrong decision...I think he's completely given up. If he still loves me and some part of him wants to make it work, do I give up????


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Have you taken love out of the equation yet, and appealed to his common sence?

I mean the finacial repricusions and the efffect on the children?

If yes, then i would say move on.

If not... well give that a shot, butyou are dealing with someone who has completly withdrawn, and really has no desire to make it work. Bottom line here is is that Bonnie Raitt may be right.. You can't make him love you.


i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

i'll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you dont feel
when your holdin' me
morning will come
and i'll do whats right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

Sound familiar? Might be time to let go, and let God.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry I don't know your story. Who did what?


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> talkin to husband on facebook right now, he's still unsure, he feels what we did completely devalued our marriage, which it did, that that's why he doesn't feel bad about his EA, he feels empty inside, she makes him feel good. He is such a mess, won't go to counseling, etc. He doesn't see how it clouds his perceptions of me and us...I am gonna beat myself against a wall. He says he doesn't know what to feel to think, our marriage has no meaning...I don't know what to think, but he doesn't want to make a wrong decision...I think he's completely given up. If he still loves me and some part of him wants to make it work, do I give up????


So, he talks to you on Facebook but can't call you? 

Anyway, don't beat yourself against a wall...beat her against a wall. I wasn't entirely joking about that, if he won't willingly seperate himself from her, you have to forcefully seperate her from him. Don't do anything to get arrested or in any legal trouble but let her know that, if she continues to willingly **** with another woman's husband, you will drop her to her knees, no exceptions. You need to get her to the point that if she even thinks about him in any shape, form, or fashion, that she'd better call you and apologize. Whatever you do, make sure you don't do it in front of him, no matter what. Seeing you behave this way will just make you look bad but, at some point, he's going to have to make a choice to spare her your wrath by either ending things with her or you. If he ever calls you on her behalf, don't even acknowledge her, keep the converstation about the you two. She's not worth the time unless he agrees to counseling and she comes up. Meanwhile, on his front, anytime he talks to you, let him know that what he says about the old marriage is true, you two can form a new marriage free of the bull**** that caused the two of you to do what you did. Let him know that the two of you can walk away from the old marriage and truly start anew. Tell him that once but show it to him constantly, actions speak louder than words. Make sure that he sees the stuff that made him fall in love in the first place and that you've worked on whatever issues you were having. Make sure that you can face your fear and accept the certainty that your husband is lost before you do anything.

This is if you want to keep on, if not then **** what I just said.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh I do, I completely see his perspective on our situation. I just think it really messed him up on the inside, he's confused, he looks at me with anger, distrust, etc. He says that he won't meet up with her or hang out with her....that would make it too real, and he doesn't want to sink any lower than he already has, meh I don't really believe that, but I can always drive by his sisters house to spy, she's only 2 miles away lol. I guess if I can't tear them apart I gotta let it run it's course. He felt rejected when I asked him to leave, he didn't like me snooping in his things after I found the ea. One of the conditions he would like if he comes home is no snooping, I said I would consider it if we built our trust back up, and our marriage was rebuilding...I dunno though. 
She did tell him that if he wanted to work on me and him they'd have to stop this...well darn it it shouldn't have started in the first place!!!!
He won't talk to me for some reason, hurt? He is really messed up by what happened, like bad, not suicidal, I think just deep depression that he refuses help for.

I am regretting looking at his phone, but I had put all my trust back in him, how am I not supposed to be hurt? I THOUGHT we had been making progress. Looking back ignorance is bliss lol. 

I know he is missing the kids terribly, they are going to spend some time with him tomorrow, maybe they will be enough to bring him back? but I won't let him back if he's still talking to her, and he wont come back if I "snoop" not sure how that one will pan out. He said to me, when you were doing your EA with that guy, I knew what you were doing, and I didn't say anything, well for one thing didn't know u knew, and DUH you were having one that I didn't know about right under my nose!!!! If I would have known about her before mine, I would have called you on it, and I would have expected you to call me on mine!!!! No way he really could say much though, since he was doing the same thing. 

When it comes to this ***** I told him I can't force you to stop, I have done about everything I can at this point to stop, he won't. I am to the point I can pray it just runs its course, with a few politely worded txts here and there, maybe a phone call or two, with my smartmouth on the other end. But that would make me look bad too? 

I am doing my best to represent what our new life would be together. Me and the kids are doing ok, I don't know how to show him the little stuff when he won't come around, he won't talk to me on phone, I doubt he will step foot in the house when he comes to get the kids...but he talked to her yesterday on the phone.

She better watch her back, I don't intend on letting go yet....we shall see.

Oh and the kids? he says kids adjust....financially, he knows.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Dont do anything foolish... that will land you in jail.. you seem pretty upset. just a reminder.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> She better watch her back, I don't intend on letting go yet....we shall see.


Show her what you got, space monkey. 



twotimeloser said:


> Dont do anything foolish... that will land you in jail.. you seem pretty upset. just a reminder.


At least, don't do anything she can prove. 

I like your thinking, though.:smthumbup: He's going to have to come around your home sooner or later since you have kids. If that doesn't bring him over at some point, ****, lure him there. Find a pretext as to why he needs to be at your house then he can see what you've been doing. Sneaky? Yes. Necessary? That's for you to decide, you can always admit to why you brought him there. Just don't blindside him. Has he always been an emotional person?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I'm not a violent person, I just don't know what else I can do at this point. I have told a few people in his family, they hear me out, and are supporting him emotionally. I don't think they think what he's doing is right, but I think they feel he is dealing the best way you know how. At least that's what i've been lead to believe. Telling her mom and brother would do no good, brother is a womanizer and mom has a similar history. Still can't find her bf's number. At this point I think telling him would push them closer together, and make me look like a vindictive b****. 

He is a sensitive/emotional person that doesn't really show it, that's one of the issues between us. He used to talk to me. Over the years we kind of stopped. I am not trying to blindside him, I am giving him time. Right now he says he is in a good place (sisters) where people love and care about him for who he is, and just want him to be happy. I love and care about him for who he is, I want him to be happy.  It's just we have the history of a married couple. He is remembering all of the bad. I know all the bad, but there was so much good too. What happened 3 months ago just imploded him, so he's this shell. 

I just don't know what to do, as I said earlier, I just wonder if all I can do is let it run it's course, and how long is that gonna take??? No one knows. When I say we need to stay married awhile cuz of finances, he really doesn't answer. He says he is finally lookiing out for himself for once. Fine and dandy. But he admitted that maybe he's just laying down and dying, focusing on his work and kids. That's not gonna heal you. I told hiim we both need to rebuild trust, get past the anger and resentment regardless, to coparent the kids, he answers I have no problems coparenting the kids with you, what kind of answer is that????

I guess all I can do is give him time, let him have his little phone calls and let it fizzle out. He said the girl said, if you are going to work on your marriage we need to stop this. Well I know we are gonna have to stay married for a couple of years at least to get finances in order, why do I say that? we have a bankruptcy that needs to go through. He wants me and the kids to be able to stay out here, well it's gonna take a long time for us to get me to that point, and he needs to be able to afford a place. The est. amt of child support I would get barely covers the house pmt. We have a second mortgage also, plus all the utilities, could take awhile for me to be able to stay out here. We'd have to stay married minimum a year, that's just my figure. I would think it would fizzle out by then she's gonna get tired of waiting, just doing the phone thing,(assuming he is being truthful about not meeting up with her or hanging with her). 

I just don't know what else I can do to blow it out of the water....I have been wracking my brain on who to expose to, his family won't tell him, ****you need to stop this and focus on YOU right now, thought about calling his dad, but he doesn't really voice his opinions. I have told close friends of both of us, but don't wanna step in too much, understandable. I have one couple friends husband who is willing to talk to him, but doesn't wanna push him. Calling her work wouldn't do any good, this is the workplace where she had an affair with a married man while still married, and I am not gonna tell his work, I know they wouldn't do a thing. I am at a standstill. 

He doesn't want to make a hasty decision, I honestly think this is a decision that can be made in a few months, but then, i am not him.

I just get tired of the limbo, there is gonna be a point and time where I just need to decide enough is enough, but I don't want to make a mistake either. What if 6 months from now he's still in the same place, I say we are done, then in 6 months, he comes to his senses???

What if 6 months down, he says we are done, with me still wanting to try...and he realizes it was a mistake??? I don't want it to come to that.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> I'm not a violent person, I just don't know what else I can do at this point. I have told a few people in his family, they hear me out, and are supporting him emotionally. I don't think they think what he's doing is right, but I think they feel he is dealing the best way you know how. At least that's what i've been lead to believe. Telling her mom and brother would do no good, brother is a womanizer and mom has a similar history. Still can't find her bf's number. At this point I think telling him would push them closer together, and make me look like a vindictive b****.
> 
> He is a sensitive/emotional person that doesn't really show it, that's one of the issues between us. He used to talk to me. Over the years we kind of stopped. I am not trying to blindside him, I am giving him time. Right now he says he is in a good place (sisters) where people love and care about him for who he is, and just want him to be happy. I love and care about him for who he is, I want him to be happy. It's just we have the history of a married couple. He is remembering all of the bad. I know all the bad, but there was so much good too. What happened 3 months ago just imploded him, so he's this shell.
> 
> ...


He needs to make a decision, he's had enough time to decide if he wants to stay married. Don't let it run it's course, this is your life, either let it go or continue to fight for it and that means you will have to end their thing as soon as possible. You have nothing to regret aside from what's already happened since you tried, he's compounding the mistake. Someone needs to tell him that estranged from your wife is not a good place, he either needs to come home and fix this or end things with you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am still trying to wrack my brain on how to do it, like I said the work thing doesn't work, contacting her family does no good, I could try to email her brother, but they have nothing to do with each other. I have done exposure, tried contacting ex hubby, any other ideas? Kind of hard to do stuff when you are stuck at home with kids and no vehicle. The one thing I am afraid of is if I do find her man and tell him, that'll give them an excuse to get together.

I plan on txting her from time to time to remind her that I am fighting for my marriage, but I don't want to get in trouble for harassment. I sent her one last night saying I am just telling you that I intend to fight for my marriage, I won't give up. You are in a relationship, and what you are doing is wrong sincerely MRS *******, I had to throw the Mrs. in there lol. I can't be threatening, she won't answer the phone when I call, I mean I wouldn't either lol. I do plan on doing the mild pestering. I just had an evil thought though, I almost wish that he would slip up and say I love you to her in front of the kids and have the kids say, were you talking to mom? and have him be like....ummm.....and have him feel really really stupid. (just an immature thought lol)


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