# Wife left no awnsers plz help.



## SoVeryLonley (Aug 28, 2009)

Hi I seem to be in a lot of trouble. I have been with my wife for 4years and 8 months we have been married for 2 years and 1 month. And everything seemed to be fine. Until the 18th of Aug when we where in bed I asked her what was wrong and she said she was unhappy with our marriage and wanted to leave. This took me by shock. Everything seemed fine at the time. But now after realizing the past I have taken a lot of things for granted. Like:
1.	I did not help around the house that much.
2.	I did not ever cook for her.
3.	I kept a tight lock on the money coming in.
4.	I became over the last almost 3 years obsessed with making money.
5.	I have treated the very few friends I/We have not so well.
6.	I did not dress up. (I would go out in public in pj’s and a wife beater)
7.	I am a very needy person ( She told me she was as well and seems to be)
8.	I do have a trust issue due to past that we have been working on for years and is getting better.

I have turned all that around now and have even gone as far as sending all my friends a msg about being so wrong for taking advantage and not being very nice and even paying them back. I have truly 100% changed my life back around like it use to be I just got on the wrong path for a while.
To explain some of the things I took for granted listed above. We are both full time students I am 30yr and she is 28yr I started up my own business about 4 years ago to get us out of living with her mom (she is ok) and on our own. The business makes around 4-8k a month so no worries there except for the hiccup from time to time. That is why I was so tight with the money is because I wanted to make sure we had what we needed to get her out of school and me out of school. She has no job because we both agreed it would help her get out faster, and when she got out her job would help a lot to let me slow down the business and finish my schooling. (I have taken the last year off from school to get her out) I paid for everything and even gave her everything she ever wanted. I got her diamonds, motorcycles, a bmw, tons of jewelry, flowers ALL the time, etc…
I did not dress up much (unless we where going out together somewhere) because I wanted to be conferrable and did not care what others think about me other then wife (But she would tell me she loves me for who I am) 
Helping around the house and cooking I know I was wrong. When we first started dating we did all that together but over time I started slacking off. 

I do not know what to do. I left for a week to give her space like she wanted (I called her once a day and talked to her. I would cry non stop, telling her how much I love her and that our marriage was worth fighting for) she would always come up with reasons why it might not be. Like 
“Your core self may not match my core self”
“Im not sure you are my soul mate”
“Its not you it’s me”
“I was not ready to be married”
“I don’t know if I can ever be 100% happy”
“etc…”

The words to almost every question or why is “I don’t know” I love her with all of my heart and she tells me she is in love with me. She tells me that if it doesn’t work out then she wants to be my best friend. She moved out 100% last night the 27th we would still kiss, hug, hold hands, even had great sex just yesterday. There is this guy that comes over to play poker a lot and they seem to be very best friends. They txt and talk all day and while I was gone for that time every time she would talk to me I found out she would call and talk to him for hours right after and through out the day txt after txt after txt. She told me there is nothing going on and that he is just a sound board but I don’t know. I do trust her that she would not cheat on me but all the signs are there. He is going through the same thing I am kind of. She moved to her mom’s house which is only 3 doors down. She said she moved to give her time to see if she can live without me or if she would just be 100% miserable also to let her clear her mind and think if we can work through it. She said she is 50/50 right now and it goes back and forth.

This is her last semester in school and she has a walk in job as a teacher Jan 1st when she gets out. She has through away all of her old close and bought new ones. She was never a dress person but now has them. Etc… it is like someone took my wife and dropped off this other person. She cry’s in front of me and not in front of me. (At least she use to not in front of me a week ago.) I don’t know what to do. I told her would 30 days be good to decide she said yes that would be fine. She dose not give me any kind of hope for a yes but keeps saying stuff like if we cant then she wants me in her life and stuff like that. I think about her 24/7 I have lost about 20 or so lbs in the last 2 weeks. I have changed everything about me. I no longer smoke, (cigs) never drank or any drugs. I have been eating better, walking every day etc… Here is a letter she wrote me word for word. (She dose not write them) 

*Honey,
I'm writting this letter because you asked me too. I am not good at writting letters but I will do the best I can to explain myself here. I do not want 
to hurt your feelings and I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know anyone who actually likes to hurt others. You need to try an relax and listen. I do love you.
I will always love you because you have a kind heart, you try to be your best for me, and you truly love me. I get all of that and I know this hurts. I do not 
think it would be fair to stay in this relationship because I can not give you all of the love and attention you require or deserve. When we got married I felt
that we either had to marry or break up and I was not ready to do either. Since I didn't want to lose you in my life I chose the marriage thing thinking I could
just deal with it and we could work things out later. We have had a lot of problems since we have been married and I don't think you are unaware of them. there is
no sense in listing all of them because we have talked about them plenty in the past. I think our problems are beyond repair in that you cannot just change over night
and neither can I nor would I expect either of us to do that. You must be able to work on yourself and me myself. If you can not work on yourself without me than I don;t 
think you are truly working on yourself and one day it will all be just the same as it is now. Yes I am about to start a new carrer but that has nothing to do with my
reasons. I truly feel I wasn't ready then and I am not ready now to be in a marriage. I have to find myself and learn to love myself before I can properly love another
person. With you I have to be able to love two people. I know you say it doesn't matter what my relationship with christian is but to me it does. That is who I am I cant
pretend his feelings don't matter. They do and I don't think it is fair to him to have a fake relationship with me. I feel the same for you. I do not want you to have to 
pretend eerything is okay when deep down you know that I am not ready to be married. You should be able to move on and have somebody that is truly ready to love you 
unconditionally. I don't know when or if I will be able to love anyone else because I do not love me yet. That is reality and I know you think we can work on all this together
but I really need to do this one on my own. You cannot help me love me. The only person that can teach me to love me is myself. I have to work through this by myself. I 
appreciate your wanting to be there for me but I have to be okay being on my own and being happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror. Part of doing that means
surrounding myself with good people and friends and I want you to be a part of that because I do care about you. I do not want to throw away the past 4 years because they 
are an important part of what made me who I am. I do not want to lose myself by losing those years. I truly hope you can understand what I am saying and be there as support
and as my friend. You are so important to me even though I know you dont feel like that right now. I love you and I hope we can work through this peacefully because I don't 
regret any of the years we were together and I would hope you don't either. I love you and I will see you soon.
Love
Jessica*

Please anyone give me help. I do not know what to do or to think. Should I call, should I let her call, should I make my self more busy to her, etc….


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

the best thing you can do is to not initiate anything that requires both you and your wife. It is hard, and I am going through the same situation, but I believe that the more you try to reach out to her the farther she will go...

stay calm, do the best you can, keep concentrating on making money or whatever you think you can do...

good luck!!


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## SoVeryLonley (Aug 28, 2009)

Anyone elts help me out?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Soverylonley,

First the changes you made will have to stick a while. You need to quit professin your love to her -- she wants space and doing that is not space. Try the book Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. This can help explain it. Do not expect anything overnight. That's all I got right now.


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## SoVeryLonley (Aug 28, 2009)

Is all hope lost? what dose everyone think my chances are of gitting her back? Tonight i am taking her out on a overnight date to one of the places we use to go to when we first started to date. Today i left her a dr pepper and some donuts by her door and told her to come to the door. (she is studying for a big test today.) She said "Thank You Honey"


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's at the very least having an emotional affair with this guy. Obviously you're working on the weak areas in yourself that led to her looking around, so full marks on that account.

What she is doing now is reframing your relationship history. If she can get herelf into a mental state where she can convince herself that "she never really loved you", "I married too soon", "we're better off as friends" blah blah blah, then she can make the choice to leave you completely. 

I would absolutely make it clear that you have zero interest in being anything other than her husband. If the relationship fails, it won't turn into a "supportive friendship for her". She can't have her cake and eat it too. Just say, "I could never be just friends with you".

Apologize about all your prior bad efforts in the relationship. Do better on everything. (Like I said before - full marks on owning this and making progress). "I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work".

I would also express how angry I was that instead of bringing up issues within the marriage to you, she brought a third party into the mix, that clearly has been working against the marriage. Plus she basically just exploded and walked out. She really does need to give you a chance to make things right. This was bad form on her part.

Remind her of the past. How good the good times were, and how good the good times can be again.

I know it sounds hard, but don't be weak in front of her, specially at the parting. Don't beg, plead, whine about anything. The more you send out the "omg don't leave me" vibe, the worse off you are. Simply use a strong/firm/clear tone of voice, say "stay with me" and hold eye contact then hold out your hand to her. (if she takes your hand, pull her close and kiss long and passionately, move to bedroom, get busy! :smthumbup: )

Good Luck. Best I can do on short notice.


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## SoVeryLonley (Aug 28, 2009)

I know that but how do i make her see the affier without blowing up? She has told me about thease things in the past but never made it where i took it for real. Yesterday she said the reasion is the whole time we have been together i have kept her in a box and controled every aspect of her life. 
She tells me she dose not know if she is still in love with me. I dont know what to do.


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