# no sex after affair



## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Last year I caught my H has been cheating on me for the last 3 years. After some difficult times, he chose to came back to me, n we still are working on this new relationship n things are looking better. But the thing is, now our sex life slowly dies, he said has a problem with erection (ED). He is back w/ his loving gestures, but he never goes further than kissing. It's been 2 mos since our last love-making.
When I asked him to check to doctor he just refused. He doesn't like to discuss it either coz it makes him felt uncomfortable. He has a problem w/ expressing his thoughts into words, our conversation always end up with me being shut down.
He's trying to fix the ED by himself, by doing sport n cutting back tobaccos.
Any suggestion? Why during the affair he's still able to do it w/ me, but not now?
Anyone ever try herbal pills to cure ED?
I wanna know an opinion from man who has gone thru' this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He can order viagra or cialis online after consultation over the phone.

Pretty painless if you need it.

But what's wrong with just getting a doctor's appnt? What's he afraid of?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

princessaqua said:


> Last year I caught my H has been cheating on me for the last 3 years. After some difficult times, he chose to came back to me, n we still are working on this new relationship n things are looking better. But the thing is, now our sex life slowly dies, he said has a problem with erection (ED). He is back w/ his loving gestures, but he never goes further than kissing. It's been 2 mos since our last love-making.
> When I asked him to check to doctor he just refused. He doesn't like to discuss it either coz it makes him felt uncomfortable. He has a problem w/ expressing his thoughts into words, our conversation always end up with me being shut down.
> He's trying to fix the ED by himself, by doing sport n cutting back tobaccos.
> Any suggestion? Why during the affair he's still able to do it w/ me, but not now?
> ...


The problem is you don't what is causing the ED and therefore don't know how to begin solving the problem. If it's a psychological issue like stress, an herb that increases blood flow won't help. If it's diabetes, herbs may help, but he has bigger problems than ED.

Note: Continued sexual arousal or excitation maintains the higher rate of blood flow, keeping the erection firm.

[ED]


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

This might be something a little deeper than ED?
Has he gone to the Doctor yet?


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## Ernst (Jan 12, 2011)

He should definitely try Viagra or Cialis and/or similar pills.

In most cases they work.


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## thoughts2words (Dec 13, 2010)

I was having a problem getting it up after my wife insulted me and made me feel insecure. I think pills are short term. I started doing penis exorcises that increase penile blood flow and at age 37 I'm having firmer and more frequent erections. 

I was taking cialis and even though it kinda worked I wasn't as hard as I was before I gained weight. The exercises I do are without any products or medicine and might help him if he tries it.

The site I got my routine one is a free one and he can try out the newbie routine and write and be encouraged by other men who can suggest solutions all for free


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## thoughts2words (Dec 13, 2010)

I'm 37 and I was having a hard time with erections after my wife said things that made me think too much when we had sex. Cialis helped but I stopped getting real hard erections.

Recently I found a mens forum that had free penis excercises that help increase penile blood flow. I've only been doing the routine for 2 weeks and I'm having harder erections and getting hard more often. 

He can go to thundersplace.org and start with the newbie routine like me. the site talks about erection quality and how you can do things (all free) that can improve erections. 

I know as a woman it can be a hard subject to broach but in any loving marraige honesty is very key. My wife was telling me she was less than happy sexually and was more fustrated by me not lasting long enough. 

Hope this info helps!


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## thoughts2words (Dec 13, 2010)

Sorry I wrote twice! I thought my first reply didn't post.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank u all for the replies. I finally succeeded to talk with him about our problem. He said he didn't initiate sex anymore bcoz he's afraid he might not able to 'finish' the race, like the last time we tried it (he couldn't reach orgasm). N he said, even before he tries he already had a feeling he wouldn't be able to do it. I encouraged him with calming words, I told him it doesn't matter to if we couldn't finish it with orgasm, I just hate it when he ignores me like this.
So that night we watched a soft-porn movie to initiate him. Funny thing, he got a hard-on directly when he saw it, but he couldn't reach orgasm again at the end. He said he just suddenly lost it.

what do u think? Will it get better? or it will make him more resentful in trying? will the pills like viagra can keep his libido, or just help him to stay hard?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He can get hard if aroused but not with you. I hate to say it but, he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. Thinking of this as a possibility may point you in the right direction to find a solution. Is it possible that he is still involved with the OW, and or still in love with her. What were the circumstances of the affair, of you finding out and his attitude in giving her up. 

How about you are you taking care of yourself weight, dress and grooming? You may be too attentive to him you sound like a lovely warm forgiving woman. Be less available to him, less concerned for him, he should be reassuring you not the other way around. Get involved with activities out side of the home. Have a night out every week even if you just drive around. Withdrawing slavish devotion my seem to be going in the wrong direction but it gives him space to get his act together. Never let a man be too sure of you, they tend to take you for granted does this sound like something that may work for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So he's been cheating on you, but as soon as the affair is over he has ED?

I get the feeling he's just not attracted to you. Sorry


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

thank u catherine & atholk, u'r voicing things that I feel but I don't dare to speak up from my mind. Yes I deep inside I have a feeling that he still has feeling for the OW. When I found out about the affair it has been on n off for more than 3 years, and he admitted that he has feelings for her. As for me he said he once lost his feeling, but it comes back n slowly grows bcoz the way I handle this situation, with calm manner n cool-headed.

The affair was ended by force, actually I offered him a divorce, but he refused bcoz he said he can't live without the kids. So he chose me over her. He is very close to the kids. From outside we are really a family to envy for.

For appearance part, frankly speaking, I look better than her! It's not my selfish opinion, it's what everybody said. People even wonders what makes him fell for her. But in bed, i don't know how I score...if she was better than me, maybe he missed that.

For being there for him too much...well, this affair begun bcoz I wasn't there enough for him, that's what he said. I have to admit here was times when I was too occupied with the kids, so I don't have time to listen to his problems n have sex as much as he wanted. So I sort of want to make up for things that's once lost.

He's trying hard to make this family work, but only in bed that I really miss his affection. 
If u asked whether the ED starts directly after the affair stopped, no, it started few months after. After I disclosed the affair we did have a less quantity in sex, but only from 2 months ago it just completely stopped. 

I'm just affraid...if by accident he meet her again...then all these will just go into drain...and the affair will resume again.

maybe I should put more patience until he completely ready for me?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

princessaqua said:


> will the pills like viagra can keep his libido, or just help him to stay hard?


 These drugs will do little for Libito - they do not make you horny, have no arousing effect, they just allow the blood vessels to open more freely & quickly in respone to stimulation. 

If a man is worried about his performance (performance anxiety), many times he struggles with erections, even though he wants to be aroused, sometimes badly. When he sees what these drugs can do in response to a little stimulation , it is then like having the sky open on a sunny day, sometimes THIS causes him to get MORE exited, definetely allows him to relax, so they can be a wonderful thing. 

One good thing is , they are not something the body builds a requirement for, you can use them for a time, to get over a Rough spot in your marraige, build some confidence, and never use them again - if the issue was anxiety & not a blood vessel narrowing thing. 

And they also help men Last longer.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well it sounds like he choose the kids over her, not YOU over her.

Get him to a doctor then and have the ED checked out.

If you had been ignoring him as a factor that led to his cheating, then the appearance of the woman may not really be a factor. She might have just paid him attention is all. Suggest you start with the book "His Needs, Her Needs" Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books

Also you have to know that a three year affair means he's very likely still greiving for the loss of the other woman.

I think you've managed to end the affair, but you need to find a way to solve the problems that led to the affair. I just suspect that he doesn't want to have sex with you on a deep level.

Have you guys done counseling together?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ask him, if you can stand the answer, in what ways did she make him feel desired, sexy, loved, and appreciated. That may give you a of information on what your marriage was lacking.

I wouldnt advise him taking anything until he gets to a dr. It may be anxiety thats causing him to lose his erections. you dont know and you need more informaltion before you start trolling the internet for pills that may do nothing or cause more harm than good.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

tq SA, atholk, n Jane. I'm so glad I found this site! Gosh, why didn't I find this site last year???? Why didn't I find this during lowest point of my life? I would have a better approach in handling this affair.

We haven't done any counseling. FYI we're living in a city in Asia, where tradition to go to marriage counselor is not yet common. What we do here, we discuss problem with family/ friends, or we use religious approach. That's also the same reason he hasn't gone to see doctor for his ED, bcoz, to discuss this matter with a doctor is very uncomfortable for him. Frankly speaking I like the idea to go to counselor n doctor, I'd love to do it, but how u bring up this thing to a man? Not that I haven't tried, but he simply refused. He is also a man of his own thoughts, he is hard to speak up his mind, but he can suddenly find a way out of problem. Not necessarily the right one, though 

I really miss the 'old us'. I'm only 37, n I still have a high drive...I know maybe I'm a bit selfish not give him enough time to grieve, but I have my needs, I need sex too. Not only as a need, but also as assurance that he is serious in making this family work.
I'm so afraid if I let this keep on going like this, than sex would be a history in this family.
I read other threads in this forum, I feel like I'm the husband that complaining about not enough sex!


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## thoughts2words (Dec 13, 2010)

princessaqua said:


> thank u catherine & atholk, u'r voicing things that I feel but I don't dare to speak up from my mind. Yes I deep inside I have a feeling that he still has feeling for the OW. When I found out about the affair it has been on n off for more than 3 years, and he admitted that he has feelings for her. As for me he said he once lost his feeling, but it comes back n slowly grows bcoz the way I handle this situation, with calm manner n cool-headed.
> 
> The affair was ended by force, actually I offered him a divorce, but he refused bcoz he said he can't live without the kids. So he chose me over her. He is very close to the kids. From outside we are really a family to envy for.
> 
> ...


I've been away... I believe its a mental problem. I was having a hard time pleasing my wife and after arguments couldn't get it up. Try cialis.


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