# to trust or not to trust my husband?



## mandabear (Jun 20, 2011)

i am confused about how to feel in my situation. heres my story i hope to get advice on. i appreciate everyones time and thoughts! ok.....

my husband contacted some girl he knew from high school. he says saw her on fb and emailed her, giving her his cell number so they can catch up. i found this out from going through his gmail trash. to clarify: (i had a bad gut feeling that was always nagging me so i snooped)
i did tell him i saw the email and he said they only talk on rare occassions. i said ok if thats all it is but my gut feeling never went away so for weeks i asked him if he was talking to her much and he said no. well just last week i decided to go through his phone and saw that he had her number saved under a guys name and he made some calls to her while he was at work (he never calls me from work) i told him i knew and he said he was bored and decided to call her just to talk and admitted they talk weekly. 
days later this girl texts him at 1am and i make him let me see it. she wanted to know if he was up, wants to talk. i have a fit and so he ignores the text and leaves me his phone the next morning to prove nothing is going on. 

i decide to text her, pretending to be my husband and i say "you got me in trouble with my wife" her reply was "wife? i had no idea you were married. good thing those pics didnt go through. i then called her from my phone and told her who i was. she denies that anything is going on, but that he use to like her back in the day but they never dated, and that he asked to see racey pics of her. 
that day i told my husband i knew everything and i was leaving him. he continued with the same lies, so as i was about to walk out the door he finally admitted to saying yes to seeing her pics. (says she asked him if he would like to see them) he said he was never into her and did tell her he was married from the beginning.

my husband cries almost every night says hes sorry, begs me not to leave and that itll never happen again and has been super loving and attenative to me and our 1 mo old baby.

i am very confused about who to believe. any ideas about what i should do? would this be considered cheating? he claims it was only friendship and it only crossed the line with the pics. (she lives out of state so it wasnt physical) he contacted a marriage counselor but we cant go until they have openings so im on here with my issue.

my heart is pulling me in two directions. any advice would be of much help!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You have to decide whether he's trustworthy or not, and IMO that will take a while. He has to prove it to you he can be trusted again.

The other woman is irrelevant at this point. Focus on your husband.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The OW is telling the truth. Especially when you pretended to be your husband and she wasn't even aware that he was married.

Someone posted a quote about cheaters, something to the effect that when their mouth moves, only lies come out or whatever it was. And it's basically true.


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## mandabear (Jun 20, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> The OW is telling the truth. Especially when you pretended to be your husband and she wasn't even aware that he was married.
> 
> Someone posted a quote about cheaters, something to the effect that when their mouth moves, only lies come out or whatever it was. And it's basically true.


do you think there was a chance she had a feeling it wasnt my husband who was texting?
I told him i wont leave him as long as he tells the truth so why would he keep lying about that one thing?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Once you are able to calm down and recenter again, you can listen some more to your gut. I think it's served you well...and considering you have a new baby, extremely well. Just batten down the hatches and make sure you get yourself taken care of in regards to roof over your head and a stable day to day while you are caretaking for your infant (and yourself). That will also give you time to see what he's going to do and how he will handle himself. You already have one baby to take care of, see how the Mr. rallies, don't spend too much energy, because if you have to run circles around him to make a marriage work, you'll miss out on the joys of parenting. 

Good attention to your gut. I think if the feeling was that strong that something was amiss, and you noticed it even while giving birth and adjusting to a new baby, it's probably not a trivial matter.

Personally I think it's despicable for a man to hit when his wife is a new mother and has limited options, having to choose between protecting an infant and giving it a home and stability...and one's pride. Like he didn't have the guts to do anything like this when you were not so vulnerable. I don't like to insult people's husbands, because after all somebody loves them now or in the past, including maybe their moms, but really, that's a coward's behavior, what he did.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mandabear said:


> do you think there was a chance she had a feeling it wasnt my husband who was texting?
> I told him i wont leave him as long as he tells the truth so why would he keep lying about that one thing?


Why did he lie about the relationship to begin with? Ask yourself that one.

People lie to avoid consequences.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You did well to trust your instincts and nip this in the bud; sounds like it's a good thing you did...your H was on that slippery slope. Luckily for him, he never got that far! 

I know it's hard for you to trust him right now, but it will get better. You need to keep an eye on him. You need him to provide you with complete 100% transparency from now on. You need to define your boundaries regarding op-sex friendships. Rarely are they a good idea to have; your husband proved it.

As long as he goes along with whatever it is you need to rebuild the trust, it will get easier and easier as time goes on.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

I don't think your husband is being completely honest. IMO the OW had know idea your husband was married. Your husband was obviously very vulnerable and I would be concerned about that. 

Hopefully your husband feels remorseful and will allow you go through the feeling that you are having rightfully. I am a strong believer of marriage counseling and think that should be on the top of your lists of things to do. If the counselor you are trying to see if full maybe you can look for another one. You and your husband can also be reading a marriage book together even for just 10 min before bed to be working on building a stronger marriage. To rap up my thoughts, I don't think you should sweep this under the rug; this could be an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Sorry that you are going through this, I hope everything gets better for you and the sake of your baby too. Good luck!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

The other woman told you the truth, the piks and the fact that she didnt know he was married why would she lie about something like that. You need to focus on whether you will or think you wil be able to trust your husband again. If he can do that with someone out the state what can he do in the state, I think you both need MC and he needs to earn the trust and respect back again.


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