# Call it quits after strike 2?



## Damaged2.0 (Jan 24, 2021)

Sorry this is a long read but I think the context is needed before requesting advice. Met my wife in 2009 and married in 2012. In early 2019, I found out she was cheating on me with one of her co-workers. I confronted her and threatened to leave, but she begged for forgiveness and wanted to work it out. Before this happened we went through a bad run in life already. My wife was previously married and her ex was physically abusive and had cheated on her. She also had a chronic illness develop while we were married and it is a big issue to this day. We had a house fire on New Years Eve 2017. This required us to move in with her parents for what was supposed to be a 4 month rebuild. However, the contractor was incompetent and it ended up being 8.5 months. She asked me to deal with the rebuild as the fire put her in a deep depression. Her primary care doctor put her on a depression medication during this time. In dealing with the contractor, I turned into an asshole and kind of shutdown dealing with people including my wife. I got the ultimatum in early 2019 (before I found out about the cheating) that she couldn't deal with my attitude and she was going to leave if I didn't get help. I ended up seeing a therapist which helped. It helped that I was also seeing them when the cheating was found out. My wife was recommended to see a psychiatrist right after I found out about the cheating. I went with her to the first meeting, and the psychiatrist indicated she may have a bipolar disorder and that the medication her primary care doctor prescribed may have contributed to her infidelity. Supposedly people with bipolar disorder on this drug will engage in risky behavior (i.e. excessive spending, dangerous activities, and cheating). My wife was taken off the drug and it was a night and day difference. Our relationship was turning back to the way it was before all of our troubles. She left her previous job to avoid contact with the co-worker. I had access to her phone, email, and location and there were no additional signs of cheating. She was making an effort to make our marriage work and since I saw the depression medication as an influence, I eventually forgave her in 2020.

Her friends wanted to hang out with her in late 2020 and she asked if it was ok. She did send pictures of her and her friends together which made me comfortable and I was more willing to let her go out. A couple weeks ago she said she was going to hang out with one of her female friends. I was ok with that. However, her phone was transmitting her location to our laptop and the address that popped up was the address of the guy she cheated on me with. She says they were just talking and there was nothing sexual or romantic this time around. I have kicked her out of the house and threatened divorce again. She wants me to go with her to one marriage counseling session to see if we can start working it out and possibly continue with the sessions before I decide to file paperwork. I have agreed to one session, but she is going to have to do most of the work to win me back. 

Should I call it quits and move on? Or should I give marriage counseling a chance and be mindful that her mental health issues may be causing this and not specifically her wanting to get out? I do worry that she is using me as a crutch. When things are good, we connect really well, but with the bipolar disorder, I think this sends her out to be with this other man when she gets down. I feel sorry for her due to her past and current struggles, but I don't think I can forgive her this time around. Thank you for taking the time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, you got the old sorry I got caught routine. Your marriage isn’t broken she is. A lot of time MC is a cheaters best friend.

All cheaters lie a lot. Threats with no action on your part will just keep you in limbo.

At this time you are the only one keeping you where you are. Why?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Living the life of a marriage warden is getting you what?

Let her go or suffer the consequences.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

"Should I call it quits and move on?"

Absolutely! She is broken...not your job to fix her...

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Sorry this is a long read but I think the context is needed before requesting advice. Met my wife in 2009 and married in 2012. In early 2019, I found out she was cheating on me with one of her co-workers. I confronted her and threatened to leave, but she begged for forgiveness and wanted to work it out. Before this happened we went through a bad run in life already. My wife was previously married and her ex was physically abusive and had cheated on her. She also had a chronic illness develop while we were married and it is a big issue to this day. We had a house fire on New Years Eve 2017. This required us to move in with her parents for what was supposed to be a 4 month rebuild. However, the contractor was incompetent and it ended up being 8.5 months. She asked me to deal with the rebuild as the fire put her in a deep depression. Her primary care doctor put her on a depression medication during this time. In dealing with the contractor, I turned into an asshole and kind of shutdown dealing with people including my wife. I got the ultimatum in early 2019 (before I found out about the cheating) that she couldn't deal with my attitude and she was going to leave if I didn't get help. I ended up seeing a therapist which helped. It helped that I was also seeing them when the cheating was found out. My wife was recommended to see a psychiatrist right after I found out about the cheating. I went with her to the first meeting, and the psychiatrist indicated she may have a bipolar disorder and that the medication her primary care doctor prescribed may have contributed to her infidelity. Supposedly people with bipolar disorder on this drug will engage in risky behavior (i.e. excessive spending, dangerous activities, and cheating). My wife was taken off the drug and it was a night and day difference. Our relationship was turning back to the way it was before all of our troubles. She left her previous job to avoid contact with the co-worker. I had access to her phone, email, and location and there were no additional signs of cheating. She was making an effort to make our marriage work and since I saw the depression medication as an influence, I eventually forgave her in 2020.
> 
> Her friends wanted to hang out with her in late 2020 and she asked if it was ok. She did send pictures of her and her friends together which made me comfortable and I was more willing to let her go out. A couple weeks ago she said she was going to hang out with one of her female friends. I was ok with that. However, her phone was transmitting her location to our laptop and the address that popped up was the address of the guy she cheated on me with. She says they were just talking and there was nothing sexual or romantic this time around. I have kicked her out of the house and threatened divorce again. She wants me to go with her to one marriage counseling session to see if we can start working it out and possibly continue with the sessions before I decide to file paperwork. I have agreed to one session, but she is going to have to do most of the work to win me back.
> 
> Should I call it quits and move on? Or should I give marriage counseling a chance and be mindful that her mental health issues may be causing this and not specifically her wanting to get out? I do worry that she is using me as a crutch. When things are good, we connect really well, but with the bipolar disorder, I think this sends her out to be with this other man when she gets down. I feel sorry for her due to her past and current struggles, but I don't think I can forgive her this time around. Thank you for taking the time.


So people with bipolar get a free pass on cheating then...Do they also get a free pass on murder or bank robbery because they can’t control their impulses??? Sign me up for bipolar, the mental issue when one gets to do whatever the **** they want and get a free pass.

I’m calling ********.

I think her diagnosis is more like sociopath. I’ll never understand how a person can watch someone they insist they love go through this hell first hand, beg them back and cry and make 1000 promises, and then do it AGAIN. It’s sick. Speaking from experience. 

No. I don’t think you buy a lifetime pass ticket to this train ride to hell. Whatever mental disorder she has that makes her treat you like **** doesn’t mean you have to stick around for it. Consider it a punch card, you’ve met the requirement and you are now free to leave this visit to hell.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. She had her chance which is already more than what she deserved. Your life will be so much better free from a treacherous snake in your house, willing to rip your heart out and stomp on it just to get her filthy jollies in the form of getting filled to the brim with another man's DNA.

Time for a Doctor and a bank a Lawyer, the Doctor for a full panel of STD tests, the Bank to take half out of every joint account and deposit it into an account only you have access to and a lawyer to file for divorce.

Make sure the lawyer is a shark and let him swim freely through the bloody waters of divorce, don't impede his feeding frenzy, you'll thank yourself later for allowing the savagery.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm married to someone with mental illness and that, along with her upbringing and past, definitely played a role in her cheating (for years, with two men). I understand why she cheated or what led to it but I do not chalk it all up to "oh, she's mentally ill" and give out free passes. She was still aware of what she was doing, and so is your wife (unless proven otherwise).

And you know what, even IF your wife could claim insanity and that she didn't know what was going on, you still don't have to stay married to her. It's up to you to decide what you can and cannot handle.

I'll admit, it is hard to know where to draw the line. We've been reconciling for just over two years and my wife has had some "slip ups" along the way. Note: None of those slips ups involve lying about her whereabouts so she can go to a "former" AP's house to "just talk". I call ******** on that.

How has your wife's mental health been lately? If she has been stable lately, then it's hard to use the mentally illness card.

I'll give you some examples:

Late 2019 my wife and I got into a fight. She took off, turned off the location on her phone, and didn't tell me where she was going. She ended up driving out of state to go see her mom, and along the way she texted a former AP. They have a child together and do have to communicate but she texted him outside of a co-parenting app we have. Nothing inappropriate was said at all (from her) but it was still a mistake (one I previously said I'd divorce over). When she eventually came home I realized she was manic. She ended up hospitalized a month later for two weeks.

Early 2020 my wife's meds were messed up during a psych stay (she was giving the wrong medication). She was a mess because of that and because of some other things going on in life. I found a couple pictures of an AP on her phone, text screenshots, etc., she was talking about how he made her feel safe. Again, she was hospitalized for two weeks.

Last summer my wife was hospitalized due to her mental health. She offered the ER doctor sex (in front of me) and he immediately recognized that it was because she was manic (and psychotic). I also recognized it right away because it wasn't the first time that's happened. She was hospitalized for a month that time.

The point is, all of her "mistakes" happened when her mental health wasn't doing great and no, she wasn't just faking or using that as an excuse. We still had plenty of IC and MC each time to deal with it, it wasn't just swept under the rug.

So, how has your wife's mental state been lately? Maybe being on the incorrect meds (and yes, antidepressants for someone with bipolar can make them manic) played a role before, but can the same be said now? Or is her mental illness being used as an excuse?

Like I said, you get to decide how much you can handle and where your line is. Coming back from your wife cheating again... I don't think I could do that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd leave.

This doesn't have to be your life forever.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its a choice to cheat. You gave her a second chance after the first time and she has blown it. If you hadnt found out she would never have told you. As for her saying we were just talking, come on now does she think you are stupid?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Very sorry you are in this position.

The easy answer is to say just leave but what consequences will this have for your wife and how emotionally equipped are you to cope with any, misplaced, guilt that may arise?

I am far from an expert on this, but I can not see any good future coming out of her behaviour. If you left, will she go into a downward spiral leading to god knows what? How bad are things likely to get for her (eg will it lead to suicide, sectioning, bankruptcy, damaging promiscuous behaviour)? Is there anyone else who will look after her?

Coming back to you. How much responsibility do you think you need to take for her in the future, if any? If you do walk away, how guilty will you feel if things go really badly for her? Not saying you should feel guilt, just trying to look at what you can cope with. Is it actually too much to expect you to deal with and how do you give yourself permission to walk away to a far happier life?

If you do stay, what effect is this going to have on your life? Will you look back on it and think that was a life wasted or will you think you did the right thing? How is your mental and physical health going to stand up and how are you going to cope if everyone else knows your wife as an easy lay?

No easy answers, wishing you well.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

While I think we all have compassion for others to varying degrees, just staying so she doesn't go into a downward spiral isn't fair to the OP..I do know that some of those drugs will alter a person's ideology and make them someone who they aren't in reality...That was kind of the OP to allow a second chance in light of that, but lets be honest...it's entirely possible that she has had more than just this guy in her past..

I dunno...Id think most guys would have had enough of this and you wouldn't be in the least bit wrong to end it...I am assuming no kids, so it shouldn't be as full of drama and circumstance...I just think this won't ever get better and even if she stops being unfaithful, I think you will have a very hard time trusting her or feeling comfortable in your marriage...its no way to live...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Harold Demure said:


> Very sorry you are in this position.
> 
> The easy answer is to say just leave but what consequences will this have for your wife and how emotionally equipped are you to cope with any, misplaced, guilt that may arise?
> 
> ...


The OP shouldn't be guilted into staying with his wife. She is an adult and mentally ill or not, she is responsible for herself. It's not the OP's job to sacrifice his life just so she doesn't go off and kill herself or ruin her life (more than she already has). If she is so severely ill that she cannot care for herself, then she needs to be hospitalized long-term, and that really doesn't sound like the case here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay, you’ll likely be giving third chances, fourth chances, etc., the rest of your life. Only you know if you can live that way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mental illness is a legal reason for divorce in most states for a reason.

infidelity is a legal reason for divorce, also for a reason.

you’ve got a wife who apparently is mentally ill, and who cheats on you.

Mental illness isn’t why your wife wants to have sex with a man other than her husband. She didn’t go to his house to chat. Disloyalty is not a mental illness, it’s a choice. 
But let’s be realistic. Why should you give a damn about her excuse? Your feelings, your mental health, your happiness—- are they suddenly trumped by the fact she is having mental problems? 

My suspicion is that you are guilty of making excuses for your wife’s infidelity because you love her and don’t want to accept the obvious conclusion that she is a cheater, doesn’t love you in the way that you want and the way she promised when you took your vows. 
SHE has already broken the marriage by choosing to be with another man. It matters not if she has sex with him the most recent visit, it matters that she was there and knew she was being disloyal and that it would break your heart to know she was there.

Unless you want to be asking if the third time is a charm for stopping cheating, go ahead and divorce your wife. You can still date her if you want, but you shouldn’t be required to keep the legal status when she clearly has broken the vows. Stop making excuses for inaction and give her some actual consequences.

You do realize that she’ll be banging this guy every night the instant you tell her to leave. That’s not love for YOU. She’s just holding off because she wants you for security financially and otherwise. She wants someone else to be with romantically.
That wouldn’t be good enough for me. Is it good enough for you? That’s the question you should ask yourself.


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## Damaged2.0 (Jan 24, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mental illness is a legal reason for divorce in most states for a reason.
> 
> infidelity is a legal reason for divorce, also for a reason.
> 
> ...


Evinrude58 is correct in that I am blinded by my love for her and how I interpret my vows to her. I promised to be there through sickness and health. Now if this was cancer or a car wreck, no question, I would stay by her side and wouldn't be on here. For me, the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows? That was the reason I stayed after the first time because medical professionals indicated she may not have been herself. I am trying to figure out if the cheating is independent of the mental illness, which if the case, I would be out the door, or is it the cause of her infidelity and I should treat it like any other ailment and stay and get her help. Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Evinrude58 is correct in that I am blinded by my love for her and how I interpret my vows to her. I promised to be there through sickness and health. Now if this was cancer or a car wreck, no question, I would stay by her side and wouldn't be on here. For me, the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows? That was the reason I stayed after the first time because medical professionals indicated she may not have been herself. I am trying to figure out if the cheating is independent of the mental illness, which if the case, I would be out the door, or is it the cause of her infidelity and I should treat it like any other ailment and stay and get her help. Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


In sickness and in health has limits, IMO. If someone has an illness, disease or injury that they refuse to get treatment for, it's not your job to help them when they won't help themselves. If someone is abusing you, causing you harm, risking your health (STDs), etc., you do not have to stick around and keep putting up with it just because you said some repeat after me vows.

For your wife, what has she done to manage her mental illness, deal with the infidelity, and to prevent herself from cheating again? She should be seeing a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. She should be taking her meds as directed. She should have worked through the infidelity with you, not rug swept it. And she should know why she cheated in the first place (do not just blame the meds), how to recognize when those same feelings come back up (and in my experience, they will), and how to stop it from happening again.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Also, you can help her or encourage her to get help but you don't have to be married to her to do that.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


Nothing happens in a vacuum. A lot of cheaters do it because circumstances change in their lives. Cheating is a decision they make in reaction to the circumstance. They don't have to cheat. It is not a direct cause-and-effect. But people who are hurting, react to the hurt. I know of people who embezzled after they had financial problems - drug addiction, gambling addiction, children who had health problems needing huge money - those problems didn't cause the embezzlement. But very likely they never would have done it without those situations. Embezzlement is a more clear-cut behavior than "cheating" is, but I think similar enough.

A lot of cheaters, it occurs when the kids leave the nest, or an older close relative passes away, or any number of things. I believe that sometimes those things have an effect, but it NEVER causes cheating directly. Your wife's mental illness is NOT making her cheat. It NEVER did make her cheat. It was ONE factor.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> ..Do they also get a free pass on murder or bank robbery because they can’t control their impulses??? Sign me up for bipolar, the mental issue when one gets to do whatever the **** they want and get a free pass.
> 
> I’m calling ******.


I’m calling ******, or whatever the bleeped-out word is, too.
.


Evinrude58 said:


> Mental illness isn’t why your wife wants to have sex with a man other than her husband. She didn’t go to his house to chat. Disloyalty is not a mental illness, it’s a choice.


Absolutely, 100% correct. The bible says "Thou shalt not commit adultery". God never calls us to anything we can't control. All. Yes, ALL, of His commandments can be obeyed by us regardless of our conditions or circumstances. And all, ALL, of His commands are given to us so that we may have the best possible life.



OutofRetirement said:


> Your wife's mental illness is NOT making her cheat.


Absolutely, 100%, correct. Some "doctor" may say so, but guess what? The BOOK says it ain't. The book is the owner's manual on life. It was written by the Manufacturer. The end.




Damaged2.0 said:


> the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows?


Adultery is a legitimate, legal, and biblical ground for divorce. 

The bible does not demand divorce in any case. The decision is yours, whether you want to divorce, or not. God will be with you if you do, and if you don't. I don't know what "vows" you may have made, but God never said "thou shalt not divorce".


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Evinrude58 is correct in that I am blinded by my love for her and how I interpret my vows to her. I promised to be there through sickness and health. Now if this was cancer or a car wreck, no question, I would stay by her side and wouldn't be on here. For me, the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows? That was the reason I stayed after the first time because medical professionals indicated she may not have been herself. I am trying to figure out if the cheating is independent of the mental illness, which if the case, I would be out the door, or is it the cause of her infidelity and I should treat it like any other ailment and stay and get her help. Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


If having bipolar means people are no longer responsible for their behaviors while manic, then they do not have the mental capacity to be married. Period. 

Let’s assume she doesn’t have the ability to make sound and reasonable decisions because of her mental illness. What do you think happens to people like that? I’ll tell you, Brittany Spears. She isn’t allowed control of her finances, she sees her children supervised, she isn’t allowed to get married. Why? Because she has the inability to make good choices and decisions. 

So if she is a Brittany, you have the duty and obligation to divorce her because you can’t stay married to a mentally incapacitated person, she doesn’t have the sound mind to be married in the first place. If she has the mental capacity to make reasonable and sound decisions that do not endanger her or the people around her, then she is simply a cheater with a crutch.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> she is simply a cheater with a crutch.


I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I was, I would bet lots of money on this being "it". Actually, I would bet on it in the Brittany Spears case, too. She's a "pretty girl" - entitled, privileged, and those two things were reinforced by her parents, then her success.



QuietRiot said:


> they do not have the mental capacity to be married. Period.


Neither do they have the capacity to be mothers, if this is true.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

TJW said:


> I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I was, I would bet lots of money on this being "it". Actually, I would bet on it in the Brittany Spears case, too. She's a "pretty girl" - entitled, privileged, and those two things were reinforced by her parents, then her success.
> 
> 
> 
> Neither do they have the capacity to be mothers, if this is true.



And rightly so, people who can’t make reasonable adult decisions aren’t mother material...

What I find super interesting is this diagnoses actually checks all the right boxes for a betrayed spouse; cheater wasn’t in their right mind...check, cheater didn’t WANT to cheat...check, cheater can be fixed by medication...check, cheater loves me and doesn’t WANT to screw other people something else made them do it...check, BS can FIX the cheater with loyalty and standing by their spouse...check. All systems for rug sweep are a go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Evinrude58 is correct in that I am blinded by my love for her and how I interpret my vows to her. I promised to be there through sickness and health. Now if this was cancer or a car wreck, no question, I would stay by her side and wouldn't be on here. For me, the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows? That was the reason I stayed after the first time because medical professionals indicated she may not have been herself. I am trying to figure out if the cheating is independent of the mental illness, which if the case, I would be out the door, or is it the cause of her infidelity and I should treat it like any other ailment and stay and get her help. Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


There has been a lot of mental illness/depression in my family with several who were on various drugs, none of them cheated. Sorry its no excuse, she was perfectly able to understand you saying they shouldnt have any more contact but she did it anyway.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

QuietRiot said:


> So people with bipolar get a free pass on cheating then...Do they also get a free pass on murder or bank robbery because they can’t control their impulses??? Sign me up for bipolar, the mental issue when one gets to do whatever the **** they want and get a free pass.
> 
> I’m calling ******.
> 
> ...


In fact, there are some instances when people who have killed get a "free pass" on a murder charge. (In the UK it's covered by 'diminished responsibility.')

But they don't get away with it. They end up incarcerated in a prison hospital.

So, what's the relevance here? @Damaged2.0 can say "Yes, wife. I forgive you for being mentally ill. But I'm still going to divorce you.

Returning to "speak" with her lover is disrespectful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The lying is a problem. 

Also, so you know, with or without the medication, being bipolar often does make people do risky behavior and indulge themselves when they're manic (in a good mood and all energetic). So even without the drug, that will likely continue.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If anything this story illustrates you should have called it quits after strike one. Seems unbelievable you STILL have doubts. What's it going to take her poisoning you?

White kights are going to white knight I guess.

Good luck dude.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Damaged2.0 There are resources to assist the families of mentally ill people. These might be worth checking out:-





For Friends and Family Members | MentalHealth.gov







www.mentalhealth.gov









Family Members and Caregivers | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness


Many Americans have experienced caring for a person with mental illness. Discover information to help you better understand the issues that you might face.




www.nami.org












Psychiatry.org - Helping a Loved One Cope with Mental Illness


Learn about what you can do to help a loved one cope with a mental illness




www.psychiatry.org












I'm looking for mental health help for someone else


If you or someone you know is in crisis, please seek help immediately. Below are some options for immediate support. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Text MHA to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor...




www.mhanational.org









Coping with Mental Illness in the Family | University of Illinois Counseling Center







counselingcenter.illinois.edu


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yes, Bipolar can cause risky behaviors, specifically sexual and spending ones...in the manic phase of the illness. If she was doing this while talking rapidly, having really high energy, and delusions of grandeur, it's very possible it was a contributor to her behavior. With medication, this can be prevented or mitigated. If she was NOT expressing these other symptoms of mania, then she was probably not influenced by her disorder.

That all said, you don't have to accept this, regardless. You can just tap out. And there'd be nothing wrong with that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thing is, she never stopped cheating with the guy after you caught her the first time, she just got better at hiding the affair. And I guarantee you she is still in touch with the guy.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I think you should throw that fishy back in the pond and sail on to fairer waters. If she's seeking him out when she's 'down' which I assume you mean when she is in a depressive episode, there's really no basis for blaming her Bipolar Disorder or her infidelity. Hypersexuality occurs during manic episodes, not depressed ones.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

What would it take her doing for you to say enough is enough and simply file?

good luck and stay strong


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

look i would file for divorce and i would tell her that the ball is now in her court you gave her two chances but now you are protecting your integrity and if she still wants you than she can try to date you after you divorce otherwise you are moving on....better yet tell her you will give her a 3rd chance but she have her sign a postnup that she will walk away with nothing if she cheats again. at the end of the day you have to have some self respect.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP, sorry for your troubled marriage.

Just wondering if you've researched the challenges of being married to a bipolar spouse? You can read quite a few stories from over the years here on TAM of spouses (husbands mostly) trying to deal with the infidelities and well, craziness, of their bipolor spouses. I think it's like having a tiger by the tail. Lot of heartbreak, but that's just my opinion.

I want to commend you on loving your wife and having her health and welfare in your heart. You sound like a good man.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Damaged2.0 said:


> Evinrude58 is correct in that I am blinded by my love for her and how I interpret my vows to her. I promised to be there through sickness and health. Now if this was cancer or a car wreck, no question, I would stay by her side and wouldn't be on here. For me, the question is does mental illness rise to that level of physical sickness that I would normally invoke my vows? That was the reason I stayed after the first time because medical professionals indicated she may not have been herself. I am trying to figure out if the cheating is independent of the mental illness, which if the case, I would be out the door, or is it the cause of her infidelity and I should treat it like any other ailment and stay and get her help. Based on some of the responses here, it sounds like it is independent. Unless it can be proved otherwise prior to meeting the lawyer next week, I am gone.


I agree it is independent as well. She still knows right from wrong. 

However, in reality, the "illness" part is irrelevant. 
Addiction is an illness. If an alcohol-addicted husband beat his wife during a drunken rage, does that mean the wife has to stay because the "illness" made him?
If heroin addicted husband agreed to let his deal rape his wife in order to get his fix, does that mean he's absolved because the "illness" drove him to it?

What about in a true psychosis? If a schizophrenic wife believes her husband is part of a conspiracy and stabs or shoots him, if he survives is he obligated to stay with her because it's an "illness" regardless of of the threat she is to him?

The unifying concept here is that in these situations, and yours, the "illness" causes the perpetrator to commit harm or wrong their spouse. And her cheating harms you in an emotional, spiritual, psychological way directly, potentially could harm you in a physical way (sexually transmitted diseases), and almost assuredly will harm you financially. You just don't have that kind of attack on your spouse with cancer or a car wreck. 

So no, you should be filing regardless. I would.

Furthermore, the "just talking at the AP's home" is the most ridiculous excuse ever. You state she even quit her prior job to avoid contact with the AP, so she knows darn well that ANY contact is completely off-limits. Yet she did it anyway. And lied. 
It's like a someone recovering through Alcoholics Anonymous trying to justify "just one drink in a bar".


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It appears you’re looking for excuses to stay. I’m sure you’ll find one to convince yourself too.

You‘re the only one keeping yourself in this.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

"_Should I call it quits and move on? _"

How many more times do you want to be betrayed?

She does not respect you much less love you to have done what she has done. She will continue to do so.


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