# Need TAM advice badly



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

So here's the deal, I am ashamed of myself and I know TAM members will tell me what I need to hear. I just hope some of you are willing to do so. I posted something similar a while back but need help.

Been with a girl for about 1.5 years. 
Haven't met a single one of her friends still
Met her mom and sisters, but only once each
Totally head over heals when together
She says all the right things
She won't take the "next step"
She refuses to let me see her social media
She only visits once or twice a week
Mostly I see her only if we skip work together
Very rarely do we go in public, unless out of town
She says she left another man for me but they still talk
She says she moved out of his house but I don't know for sure
She lives with gma, gma won't let me visit
She spends every weekend with friends, especially guy friends
Sex is incredible
She knows all of my people
We have so much fun
We text all evening till bed every single evening
She "loves" my kids, the "love" her
She claims to be an introvert, but isn't that way elsewhere
She is very independent. Wants to do whatever, whenever

Is that list enough? I could offer more. To be fair, she has given up a home and boyfriend for me. She is very sweet to me.
I need to know if I should just squash this madness or if I'm being obsessive and controlling.

Thank you all so much who take the time to reply.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

From the list you describe and the fact that it has been a year and a half I would think she is hiding something from you. She might have another man. 

Even if she doesn't, it sounds like you are boxed out of the majority of her life and are basically a FB and if she refuses to end that and let you in to other parts of her life, then either you accept your status or find a real girlfriend.

that's how I see it anyway based on your list...


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Arendt said:


> From the list you describe and the fact that it has been a year and a half I would think she is hiding something from you. She might have another man.
> 
> Even if she doesn't, it sounds like you are boxed out of the majority of her life and are basically a FB and if she refuses to end that and let you in to other parts of her life, then either you accept your status or find a real girlfriend.
> 
> that's how I see it anyway based on your list...


Thank you. My friends say I have every guys dream. A girl who doesn't ask much of me. Doesn't need me. But it just isn't how I'm built. I want to be in love and have a partner.

BUT. Is there any chance I'm being obsessive and controlling? Should I expect that after 1.5 years we wouldn't be talking next steps or at least public about us? Am I crazy for not liking that she constantly is texting other men who she swears are just friends? I mean, I don't text other women all the time b/c I'm in a relationship. Am I crazy? Please please please tell me if I am.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree with Arendt. She is hiding something.

When you met her mother and sisters how did she introduce you? Did she say, "This is my boyfriend sd212." or did you introduce as friend or acquaintance.?


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I agree with Arendt. She is hiding something.
> 
> When you met her mother and sisters how did she introduce you? Did she say, "This is my boyfriend, sd212." or did you introduce as friend or acquaintance.?


She didn't really say one way or another. Just, "this is sd212"
It genuinely seemed they knew we were seeing each other.

But yea, without question she keeps me separated from her daily life. I think she had to show me some people but none are her friends. The mom and sisters would definitely keep her secret if that were the case. Nobody, and I mean nobody that we know mutually knows we are together when I tell them. They all think she is with the old boyfriend still.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what are you going to do?


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are not being controlling or expecting too much. You have every right to think that after a year and a half you would know who her friends are, her family, where she lives, etc. You are a fvck buddy. That is the way she wants to keep it.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why do you want to go to the next step with this woman? She has given very little of herself in terms of an integrated life, right? The relationship sounds like a casual friendship with sex thrown in. If you could accept that, there would be no problem. The problem is that you are making more of this friendship than is there. 

The complication is your children. With so tenuous a grasp on a person, it was not good to get your kids involved. 

Why not start dating again? It would be a good way of finding what you really need in a woman. When you find her, this woman will fade into the past. Do you really want to commit yourself to a woman who is secretive, hides the fact that she is with you and is probably married or in LT relationship with another man or men? 

If you need to convince yourself that you don't really know her, do some investigating to find out who she really is.


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Why do you want to go to the next step with this woman? She has given very little of herself in terms of an integrated life, right? The relationship sounds like a casual friendship with sex thrown in. If you could accept that, there would be no problem. The problem is that you are making more of this friendship than is there.
> 
> The complication is your children. With so tenuous a grasp on a person, it was not good to get your kids involved.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate all of this. I guess to answer your question... The relationship went according to plan and I set a 6 month timeline on meeting the kids. She's the only girl I've dated who has met them. I guess I assumed that the relationship would progress normally after that but, as described, it did not.

I know its lame but I love her. I really do. We spend every night, albeit texting, talking till we fall asleep. And every morning when we wake up. Funny how I laugh at myself typing that. 

Why not start dating? Well, I can't do that without dropping her. 

I DO need to convince myself. I don't know what to do. Her life is completely private and separate. Short of hiring a PI, I don't know what to do (I can't do that). I've searched out every single thing there is online but it is all private. Hundreds of others see it but I can't. The thing is, she may be telling the truth! I can't imagine scrapping it all and finding out I was wrong. 

<<Arendt>> Thank you for saying what you did.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Arendt said:


> You are not being controlling or expecting too much. You have every right to think that after a year and a half you would know who her friends are, her family, where she lives, etc. You are a fvck buddy. That is the way she wants to keep it.


Sigh ...
That's how it looks.:iagree:


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Take her out for dinner and lay it out with as little emotion as possible, after you eat of course then say what is it going to be? No answer or non committal just say "I'm sorry you feel this way, goodbye."
Leave $$$ for the bill and leave.


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Sigh ...
> That's how it looks.:iagree:


I guess so. Since I called her out on things she is really giving me the silent treatment. I know her life went on unchanged today. Partied all day. She texted to say goodnight and she loves me after a long day of silence. 

I think I'll just ignore it. Never done that before. What do you think?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sd212 said:


> To be fair, she has given up a home and boyfriend for me.


Hmm... Don't know about that. Much of what is in the preceding chunk of text would seem to indicate that you may very well be one of at least a few boyfriends.


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... Don't know about that. Much of what is in the preceding chunk of text would seem to indicate that you may very well be one of at least a few boyfriends.


I've had the same thought so many times. I'm really afraid you're right.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just walk away. If she's still keeping you at arm's length after 18 months, then it's not likely to go much further, IMO.

Let me ask you this... You mentioned that you text each other back and forth all night, every night... has she ever, while in the midst of one of your texting sessions, sent something to you that was (at least) somewhat out-of-sync w/ the ongoing conversation?


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Let her break up with you.

Tell her that you have a lot of free time and you want to meet more people, so you are going to begin casually dating and you just want her to know that the two of you are no longer exclusive.

"No it's my decision and my mind is made up!"

'I love you honey have a good night, sleep tight!"

Then do it!

If she stays FWB if not your already to mingle. 

She doe not sound like a good life partner, I think you have as much of her as you will ever get, she is living the fantasy love with you, the exciting kind of affair love.

I just hope she is not using you to cheat, you don't seem like the kind of man who would want to be the OM.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
Take care!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Let her break up with you.
> 
> Tell her that you have a lot of free time and you want to meet more people, so you are going to begin casually dating and you just want her to know that the two of you are no longer exclusive.
> 
> ...


Ha!!! 

Tell her you are throwing a party for her , her friends and family as it's time you meet them all. Contact her sister and mother telling them that since the two of you have been dating exclusively for 18 months you are having this party and you want them there with the whole family. 

Watch the sparks fly.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

She's carefully doing just enough not to burn her bridges and keep you dangling but clearly doesn't want to fully involve you in her life. That's fine after a couple of months but a year and a half?

Be direct, ask her what she's hiding and if you don't get a satisfactory answer then let this one go. If having a serious relationship is what you want you're unlikely to get it from her

Broken up with previous boyfriend but they still talk? I smell a rat


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

But do you love her or love who you think she is. It's possible that you would not recognize her, let alone love her, if you saw what she is hiding. 

Do something different and bring this to a head. Text her and plan a meeting, otherwise don't text as you usually do. Meet for coffee so that you can cut it short if you need. Tell her that the relationship is not going in the direction that you had hoped. 

You don't know her and are not part of her life and that is not enough for you. See what she says. My feeling is that you will need to walk away to really see what she feels. I don't think she will pursue you and that is a good thing. You can grieve the loss of the relationship and move on. It is not that easy, as you know, but that is where you want to be in time. 

You really need to get yourself out of this puedo-relationship and limbo. You are not living life to the fullest, get a real woman who is there with you in body and soul when you wake up in the AM.


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> But do you love her or love who you think she is. It's possible that you would not recognize her, let alone love her, if you saw what she is hiding.
> 
> Do something different and bring this to a head. Text her and plan a meeting, otherwise don't text as you usually do. Meet for coffee so that you can cut it short if you need. Tell her that the relationship is not going in the direction that you had hoped.
> 
> ...


Absolutely incredible words. This really touched me.

Thanks to everyone. All such sound advice as I was seeking. I couldn't get any time with her till Tuesday so I forced a phone conversation today. I told her basically all of what we have said here. She didn't fight. Just said, "you have to do what you have to do." I honestly expected more of a fight but she didn't at all. She sent a text saying "I hope you have a good evening" but that was just some fishing I'm sure. 

Anyhow. Thanks to all of you again. I've survived much worse.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stay strong. Although it will hurt, don't lose your resolve. I expect you may go back and forth for a while but try to have no contact. You will come out of the fog of the relationship and wonder what you saw in her.

Just a little more advice if you don't mind. Only give your heart to a woman who is wildly attracted to you and no other.


----------

