# Husband likes giving Blowjobs



## Jessk982 (Feb 10, 2016)

Hi!

I need some advice/guidance and my google searches turn up nothing on the subject. I've been with my husband for almost five years now (married for two) and we're expecting our first baby in April. I adore him and he's always been nothing but a loving and devoted partner, however the last week has been rough. 

Recently, I discovered some old emails (long before we were engaged) in which he discusses how much he likes giving blow jobs to older men. The emails are somewhat explicit and often include him exchanging pictures of his penis with men and receiving pictures of theirs to which he comments. This was obviously a shock. I'd never questioned or had reason to question his sexuality before. He was as straight as they came or so I thought. Doing further research, I also came across a number of profiles on a few gay dating websites (none active, I only found them because I know his normal usernames and passwords, plus at this point I was officially digging and went through his browser history to the websites he frequented (again, and thankfully, all before we were engaged)). 

I confronted him right away, in a calm manner, since this is a very touchy subject. I didn't want to yell or scream because I wanted him to confide in me everything. If he was gay, I wanted to know, I didn't want him to feel as though he had to hide. Whatever the truth was I wanted to address it right away and figure out a way to move on. I didn't get the truth right away. I got versions of the truth and kept digging, assuring him that I was't leaving and that I still loved him/and viewed him the same way. I finally feel as though I have truthful answers. 

Here's his explanationand I'm being somewhat explicit here in an effort to get the best possible feedback I can from all you lovely people)

When he was fifteen his best friend, out of nowhere, went down on him. This shocked him and made him uncomfortable, but we went along with it, eventually giving his friend a hand job. This happened one more time before my husband severed contact. When we was in his very early 20's he began chatting with guys on the internet and he ended up meeting with his first man, an older gentleman in his 50's. They exchanged blow jobs. My husband was never interested in kissing or foreplay with the men, and I do firmly believe this. He described the encounter as showing up, shaking hands, taking off their pants, doing the deed, and leaving. He met with this gentleman twice. There were three other men after this one over the span of a decade, two he met with once and the third he met with about five times, eventually trying anal with the last man, which was hard for me to hear and which he says lasted for all of two seconds with penetration before he forced the man out, confessing to hate it. 

I know he never met with any men while we've been together, but in the early stages of our relationship there were a few explicit emails/pictures exchanged. He says he wouldn't call himself bisexual because he's never been attracted to men or interested in having a relationship with one. He is attracted to and enjoys looking at pictures of penises and liked, at the time, giving blow jobs. I believe this simply because when viewing the browser history from the past it was never gay porn he was after but pictures of penises. I asked him to tell me percentages of attraction/how often he veered towards one porn or the other and his answer was 80% female to 20% male. 

I've managed to remain calm over this all week. He never expected any of this to come out and I know it's been difficult for him to tell me the truth, which I believe he finally did. He is very patient and answers all of my questions even when I ask him them a thousand times. He always thought if he told me the truth I would leave him. 

Has anyone ever encountered a situation like this before? Now that I feel like I finally have the truth and my quest for answers is accomplished, I'm struggling with how to process it all. I know the world isn't black and white and I know sexuality isn't simply about one side verses the other, but then this is my husband. Our sex life has always been amazing and I don't doubt that he wants and is attracted to me, but I feel like my foundation with him and the things I thought I knew for certain have been rattled. I do believe that in time I'll come to terms with everything and it won't seem like such a monumental hurdle, but right now it's all I can seem to think about. 

He assures me that he never wants to do it again. It was something he did in his single, carefree days and that that period is over, but inside I still have doubts. Any guidance/thoughts/perspectives are greatly appreciated!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well he is in denial. he is bisexual whether he wants to admit it or not. 

"He says he wouldn't call himself bisexual because he's never been attracted to men or interested in having a relationship with one. He is attracted to and enjoys looking at pictures of penises and liked, at the time, giving blow jobs" that's rubbish. if he didn't like men, he wouldn't do this.

now that that's out of the way, i think you know that's not the real issue.

the real issues are: will he be faithful to you. is he sexually compatible with you. do you love him in spite of his bisexuality and can you get past it.

if the answer to all three is truly yes, then move forward and beyond.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Was he sexually abused as a child?

He is certainly leaning in some **** directions.

At least functionally bi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Most men are attracted to women other than their partners and many fantasize about, and / or watch porn involving other women. For most couples that is OK as long as they don't ACT on those fantasies.

I don't necessarily see a problem with the OPs husband being attracted to and fantasizing about sex acts with other men. If he wants to act on those fantasied, then that is like any other form of cheating.

If I discovered my wife was watching lesbian porn, it wouldn't bother me. If she was actually having sex with other women, that would be different. 


If the OP is not weirded out by the idea, I wonder if letting her husband do oral on a strapon would satisfy his interests?


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Do you really want to be with a guy who gets off on taking other guys d!cks into his mouth and anus?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Jessk982 said:


> Hi!
> 
> I need some advice/guidance and my google searches turn up nothing on the subject. I've been with my husband for almost five years now (married for two) and we're expecting our first baby in April. I adore him and he's always been nothing but a loving and devoted partner, however the last week has been rough.
> 
> ...


Given the length of your post and the earnestness express in it -I don't think your quest for answers is even remotely finished. 

If this was something described to you by a friend...what advice would you give her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's not just a river in Egypt, is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Hi Jess. I am bisexual, and it has not ever caused an issue in my relationships. A previous poster asked about whether or not he'd remain faithful. Being unfaithful has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with who you are as a person. If he's proven to be faithful, don't let this shake your trust in him. 
Also, I want to say that just because I am attracted to and have been with women doesn't mean I want my husband any less, or am not satisfied somehow. There's never been a time I've desired a woman (or another man, for that matter) more than I've ever wanted my husband. So don't go letting yourself feel like you can't be everything he needs or wants, cause it sounds like you guys have an awesome sex life. 
I understand why you're upset that he kept this from you, anyone would be. But now that it's out there, how do you think it changes things?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Jessk982 said:


> He says he wouldn't call himself bisexual because he's never been attracted to men or interested in having a relationship with one. He is attracted to and enjoys looking at pictures of penises and liked, at the time, giving blow jobs.


Yeah, okay... and I'm not attracted to women. I just enjoy looking at their breasts, giving them oral and having sex with their vaginas.

Please tell me you don't believe this horsesh!t. At best he's bisexual, at worst he's gay and deep in the closet.

If it weren't for you being knocked up, I'd say bail. This is information you SHOULD of known BEFORE you married him.

I don't envy your decision. I'd be deeply concerned that eventually he'll be the 50 yo guy putting up craig's list ads to get his d!ck sucked from gay men. 

You got a 50/50 chance of that happening in the future. Be prepared to play Magnum P.I. for the rest your relationship if you stay.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

He's obviously sensitive about semantics, but "bi-sexual" is the best descriptor. Straight guys aren't turned on by thoughts of other guys' d1cks, disembodied or not. 

Whatever he wants to call it, I very much doubt this predilection will ever just vanish, whether it's acted upon or not. He is what he is, and ultimately it's going to be up to you to process and integrate. I thought richardsharpe had the most constructive suggestion for keeping this 'fetish' within the bounds of your relationship, but only your H can say if that will suffice.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Jessk982 said:


> <snip>
> Doing further research, *I also came across a number of profiles on a few gay dating websites (none active*, I only found them because I know his normal usernames and passwords, plus at this point I was officially digging and went through his browser history to the websites he frequented (again, and thankfully, all before we were engaged)).
> 
> *They were on a gay website regardless of wether they were before you were engaged. Don't discount this because it's part of his behavioral pattern over time.*
> ...



OP first let me say it was very brave of you to come here today with your story. 

My observations above are based on me being a heterosexual male who is VERY open to different ideas.

It sounds like he's having a hard time saying I'm gay or I'm by-sexual".

I think he's torn between these different worlds. He doesn't want to loose you because he probably thinks being at the very least being by-sexual he would.

Could be ashamed of his behavior. He knows it's not right for him but he can't stop it. (or the opposite, the behavior is ok but can't tell everyone how he feels due to some folks social norms)

By the very definition of having some sexual relation with someone of the same sex says you can't be heterosexual. (at least to me)

I have on occasion watched man on woman porn but have no desire to watched male on male porn. Not because there's anything wrong with it but I wouldn't find that stimulating BUT HE DOES TO SOME EXTENT.

I guess my reason I believe this will happen again is he's still interested in the pictures and the gay porn. His encounters are spread out over time. 

Call it a KINK if you want instead of a lifestyle. It sounds like it builds up over time and he has to get it scratched.

I think at a minimum he and you should get some counseling. I'm not usually a big fan of counseling unless both parties are all in but you two sound like you are. He needs to know who he really is and you deserve to know who you're married too.

You've given him the gift of opening up to you which must have been agonizing difficult. On the other hand he's told you a lot more than a lot of men would ever admit. He trusts you.

Good luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs counselling.

It is clear that if the story he has told you is accurate, that he was sexually abused, possibly by multiple older males.

He also needs to be tested for HIV. And so do you.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

OP, I think your choice for the title of this thread was strategic and will definitely garner more attention than some ,,, just saying


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Peaf said:


> Hi Jess. I am bisexual, and it has not ever caused an issue in my relationships.


You are a bisexual woman. That makes you actually LESS qualified than me to answer this as a straight man.

There are gray areas in female sexuality. There are not (as many?) in male sexuality. A man (almost always) is either gay or straight. Being gay, it is easier to cross over to the other side because you at least have societal norms on your side. And there is an agenda (look up "beard"). A gay man may even try to convince HIMSELF he's straight by "being with women".

Your husband is gay. Of that I have NO doubt. Can he stay faithful to you in your marriage forever? Not from what I've read. Not too many people say "no" to gay sex. Saying "no" is the woman's job. But even if he can, can you live with the lies? The imagery? The wondering? For the rest of your life?


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## sumij (Feb 8, 2016)

I agree with Peaf's perspective. Especially since she has lived what your husband has. The faithfulness is really what's at stake here. Since he hasn't strayed while in your marriage seems to be a strong case that he is in fact, living faithfully with you. 

Yes, the dishonesty is unsettling, but given that he was afraid of losing you, I can also empathize with him. 
Good luck as you move through this.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

sumij said:


> I agree with Peaf's perspective. Especially since she has lived what your husband has. The faithfulness is really what's at stake here. Since he hasn't strayed while in your marriage seems to be a strong case that he is in fact, living faithfully with you.
> 
> Yes, the dishonesty is unsettling, but given that he was afraid of losing you, I can also empathize with him.
> Good luck as you move through this.


Same here. 

If what you say is accurate it can work out, with a child on the way you ought to give it some time anyway. Only you can judge over the next year or two whether you have the whole story or not. 

Even if he eventually decides he is full out gay and needs to move on that could be many years down the road and if you approach it well with him and communicate well with him there is no reason you can't be aware of it before he acts on it. The homophobia around here is a bit much at times.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He's bi.

If that's all it is, does that bother you?

I guess what I'm asking, is the concern:

- his orientation (since he clearly also likes girls)
- that he didn't disclose this before
- or that you think he's going to cheat on you with another man

For all those saying "he must be secretly gay" I'd say that answer is why there's loads of bi men out there who are afraid to be open about it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

marduk said:


> He's bi.
> 
> If that's all it is, does that bother you?
> 
> ...


i don't say he's gay, although i do agree with previous poster that the % of bisexual men is very small, as compared to the GLBT community at large. or as compared to the lesbian community.

nevertheless, this guy at least sounds bisexual because according to OP he is able to perform and satisfy her sexually. i know, there are probably lots of gay men out there trying to hide their orientation and 'fake it' with women, but i'm inclined to give this guy the benefit of the doubt based on her OP.

if that really is the case, that he's 'bi', then it's up to her to decide whether she can live with that and whether she can get past his hiding it. 

it's up to him to be 100% faithful.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Odd that we want to crucify liars and cheats until they are gay, then we all "understand". I do not get that. It's kind of like how everyone puts rainbows over their facebook profile pic when another state legalizes gay marriage. I guess the take-away is that if you are going to do something to undermine your marriage, make sure it's a politically correct undermining and you get a pass.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, I'm not so convinced it's gloom
And doom 

What if the post were this?

"My husband liked going down on chicks before we met, and I saw that in his history he visited a few sites about vagina pictures. Mind you, he hasn't gone down on any other female since we started dating. Should I be worried?"

My take on it is "who gives a shat"

It all comes down to the same question. Can he be faithful NOW? If he can, then good. If not, he's no different than any other cheater.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H is definitely exhibiting latent homosexual tendencies, and if not is clearly of that demeanor or is bisexual. If he were truly heterosexual, you wouldn't be finding these emails or listening to his hollow explanations of his past!

I'm sorry, but a leopard rarely changes his spots!

If this marriage is going to be anywhere near saved, then MC and IC will have to be the order of the day!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

"Macho" Mccoy... overcompensating, are you? 
Perhaps you can give us more insight than you are letting on. ....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
from the post it seems he thinks about it but hasn't done it since being married. Seems equivalent to thinking about, but not doing anything with other women. 



MachoMcCoy said:


> Odd that we want to crucify liars and cheats until they are gay, then we all "understand". I do not get that. It's kind of like how everyone puts rainbows over their facebook profile pic when another state legalizes gay marriage. I guess the take-away is that if you are going to do something to undermine your marriage, make sure it's a politically correct undermining and you get a pass.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Odd that we want to crucify liars and cheats until they are gay, then we all "understand". I do not get that. It's kind of like how everyone puts rainbows over their facebook profile pic when another state legalizes gay marriage. I guess the take-away is that if you are going to do something to undermine your marriage, make sure it's a politically correct undermining and you get a pass.


the same standard should be applied across the board.........no cheating period!

but OP husband did not cheat as far as she knows. he did however withhold information; that being he has guy tendencies. that's a HUGE piece of witholding information and for many people a deal breaker.

but only she can decide whether it's worth divorcing or not. i wouldn't blame her if she did or didn't. i don't think that's giving the guy a pass.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> the same standard should be applied across the board.........no cheating period!
> 
> but OP husband did not cheat as far as she knows. he did however withhold information; that being he has guy tendencies. that's a HUGE piece of witholding information and for many people a deal breaker.
> 
> but only she can decide whether it's worth divorcing or not. i wouldn't blame her if she did or didn't. i don't think that's giving the guy a pass.


I don't know about this. I get what your saying, but in the same sense I don't feel the need to say to my lady friend on a date...."Hey baby. I think I need to tell you something. It's very critical to any future chance of dating we may have.... 

"I like chicks"

If he went on a date with her, then got married to her, chances are probably good he likes chicks too. Why would his past be any different to discuss than the norm of not specifically mentioning it on his date? That is, he's a guy that's been with a guy. Just because he's a guy people tend to think this is a "special corcumstance"

I've known girls that have been with girls that don't really feel the need to tell their "man" on the first date that she went down on another girl....

Well..actually...id probably like to hear that on my first date and would immediately get a stiffy. But hey, that's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

The fact that he has had gay sex does not make him gay or bisexual, nor does it mean he is attracted to men. He is sexually addicted. That can and will be a problem if something isn't done about it. It's also dangerous and puts you both at risk.

When it comes down to it, you have to decide what to do with the knowledge about his problem, acknowledge that he is sick. Honestly, it really sounds like you love him and he feels the same way about you. That's the most important thing.


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## sillysophie (Feb 20, 2016)

One of my closest male friends is bi. He has told me that it's not because he doesn't have a preference, it's because he legitimately likes it both ways - getting it and receiving it. He alternates between relationships with women and relationships with men. He's never unfaithful while in a relationship, whether with a woman or a man. He says he will never marry because he doesn't want to be tied down to one or the other. I have a bi female friend who has romantic relationships only with women and sexual relationships with both. She says it's because she prefers sex with men but doesn't trust them romantically. Seems odd but works for her.

As long as your husband is OK with having "given up" that side of himself and you believe he can be faithful, I don't see a problem here. There are (as everyone here knows) straight people who cheat. There are also gay and bi people who DON'T. Saying all bi/homosexuals cheat is like saying all homosexualsmen are pedophiles (which I have heard FAR too often and it makes me sick). It's just not true and it's a terribly unfair stereotype. It fails to take some really important personality traits - like loyalty and faithfulness - into account.

I do think it wouldn't hurt for the two of you to attend MC to make sure he has gotten it out of his system. Because if he hasn't, the tendency to stray will be that much stronger. But no more so than a straight man who marries before he's truly ready for a monogamous relationship.

Now the porn - that WOULD bother me, if he's still into it. Either straight or gay porn. But that's just me - I find porn disgusting and have no use for it. I would not continue a relationship with a man who got his kicks online when he's obviously got a real live human being to do it with.


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