# I am the spouse who betrayed...



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

I came here because I need to talk about this very stressful situation between my H and I. We have been married 14 years. We knew each other 5 years before we married. He was in the Navy and I was a navy wife for 13 years. He just retired after 20 years. We lived innavy housing for 11 years of it. We had a lot of ups and downs while libing there. We do have 2 kids...a girl (9) and a boy (13). Before we married ( i was 22..he was 27) we ddidn't have the dating theme. We were just friends. Best friends. So we didn't do muvh before we had the kids. 

The downs that we had were because I have a mental illness diagnosed in my late 20's. At first they dx it depression/anxiety...but I'm really bipolar 2 rapid cycling with panic and I have borderline personality disorder. So...I could not handle it when he was on the boat overseas. He had to come back half way through because I would have episodes. I was a faithful spouse all through the 13 years we were married. When he retired and we moved to a diff state it was so stressful for him learning how to be a civilian. And get a well paying job. He is the soul provider . I'm a homemaker cause of my panic attacks. I'm 36 now and he's 41. I was a supportive wife and he got a job that is similar to tge military work hours. He works swing shift. We lived in an apartment for a year waiting for our house to be built. I had problems with my husband that began to surface even more since he retired. He is a yeller and I couldn't stand it along with the cussing. He was always stressed. Type A personality. Very inattentive to me and the kids. Wouldnt listen to me for very long without blowing up etc. He is also not affectionate at all. Those are the things I needed but he didn't know how to give. 

I started helping people on a social anxiety website. I gave a psychology degree and like that sort of thing. But I wasn't aware of my boundaries and met some people on there. Guys. I could talk to guys more than girls. We would help wach other out. Well the problem is I fell for one in Austrailia and had cybersex. I didn't realize it was cheating at the time. I met others too. But this one I fell for. It didn't last long. After that I met another Austrailian who I also talkef about anxiety but after we got to know each other I fell for him. My husband knows all that I did now. After being secretive. I was angry with him and would leave a lot in the mist of a fight cause he wouldn't listen and always yells. So I didn't care anymore. I continued to have these online relationships. I never wanted anyone who lived by me. 

We live in our house now and I still contact the Austrailian. It got worse. I called him and texted him. Before this I usefd to stay up all night chatting and doing things in skype. That ended because I confessed to hubby what I was doing. He deserved to know. Well right now I can't seem to end my friendship with this guy. Or relationship. I'm in denial. My husbans changed his ways in the mean time. We even go to vhurch together now. But every time I screw things up by talking to the guy on skype. Its like I'm obsessed. My husband is hurting. I understand why. Before it didn't sink in or I was in denial that I was cheating and how much this affected my husband. I can see he really loves me 
now. I blame myself fully for destroying our marriage. We are close to divorce if I continue. He doesn't want to though. I am trying my hardest to get past this and not contact him. Since I don't work I get bored and with hubbies swing shift the night time is the hardest. I want to heal the wounds I left for my husband. Hes trying so hard and I haven't been. I just repeat my wrongdoings over and over. I have been reluctant to get help cause of the negativity I will get. I want help. For me at first it was the problems with hubby and my age. I had a higher sex drive. Now it is just an addiction aling with lonliness and wanting to tslk with someone I'm comfortable with. I'm trying to figure out why I do this to myself and my husband. I know I'm a good person. I just got caught in this cycle. I dknt know how to make this up to my husband and how we can get past this.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Make a choice. 

It really is that simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Why did you tell your husband about it? Were you trying to punish him by letting him know what you've been up to?


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

No I wasn't trying to punish him. But I guess I did. I'm just an honest person. A little too honest. I do regret it now.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

It's good you told your husband now get his help on stopping. Here are some steps.

1. Get a land line and give up your phone or get your plan changed to no text.

2. When he is home give him your phone and computer to put away do you cannot Skype.

3. Write a No Contact letter to the other guy and have your husband call him. That should kill the affair.

4. If you are home alone before your husband leaves give him your computer. You can find other things to spend your time on.

5. What you have done to your husband is horrible. Read some other threads to see how he is feeling unless you start helping HIM heal your marriage is over. You have stabbed him in the heart he is bleeding out every time day that goes by he bleeds out more. Soon he will have no for you.


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Thank you. That's very good advice. I will do some of it...but some of it like give him the computer I can't do cause. One is a desktop and the other us a big laptop but he can change the password. With my cell phone I can get a 'go' phone and give him my cell. I can't do the no text with the plan I have. Its a family plan. We are going on a vacation in a week for 3 weeks to visit family. I hope it goes well. Hes afraid I will leave him and stay at my sisters. What security can I give him after all this?

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tforty1851 said:


> Thank you. That's very good advice. I will do some of it...but some of it like give him the computer I can't do cause. One is a desktop and the other us a big laptop but he can change the password. With my cell phone I can get a 'go' phone and give him my cell. I can't do the no text with the plan I have. Its a family plan. We are going on a vacation in a week for 3 weeks to visit family. I hope it goes well. Hes afraid I will leave him and stay at my sisters. What security can I give him after all this?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


Be there for him and no contact day by day-show remorse.


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You have to set an environment that makes it very difficult to do this behavior. Computers are ray to lock down and keep locked down. Phones can be changed or have the text function restricted. So some of what I put us common sense.

1. Make sure that you implement as many as you can mark them out and post them so we can give you ideas.

2. You need to give up chat rooms I would stay with TAM as it is pretty safe but no PM's with males.

3. When he is away no computer for you find other things to occupy your time. So like you said have him password protect them.

4. When he gets home turn off your phone or show it to him first then turn it off. Have him check the data plan if you are unwilling to change phones as long as you set it up do no matter what he will catch you.

5. Transparency has to be your watch word only when he can see that you are an open book will his trust start to build again. This goes for both of you.

6. Chang your number so you cannot be contacted again.

7. Give him all the information he wants or needs. Write it down in a timeline don't lie or hide it.

8. In a way you are in a good spot all you have to do is set things up so that you cannot contact him and those feelings will fade. So while you are feeling strong get it set.

Some books to read are
Surviving an Affair
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters
5 Steps to Romantic Love

Your marriage is gasping its last breaths your affair is a symptom of a failing marriage. Time to learn how to have a good marriage. Have him read the as well.

When you start feeling real remorse we can talk about making amends to your husband. Right now you need to set these things in motion. Hopes are with you, every day you make a choice to be a good person or a bad person.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Go to counseling.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you gone to your doctor, the one who prescribes your meds? with your disorders, one of the things people do is to seek out risky or high-stimulating activities. It sounds like this is what you are doing with these guys.

What sort of things do you do with your husband? Do you spend any time with him doing things that the two of you enjoy? You two need at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you. Since you seem to need some stimulation, maybe you two could take up something like scuba diving, dancing lessons.. etc.. 

The online stuff is filling a need for you. It's like an addiction. Replace it with something that does not threaten your marriage.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear tforty1851,

Yours is a very strange thread. You say you came here to get help but your posts suggest that what you really want is to justify your actions and convince yourself that you are powerless to stop cheating on your BH.

Let's consider some of your statements:



tforty1851 said:


> I came here because I need to talk about this very stressful situation between my H and I. We have been married 14 years. We knew each other 5 years before we married. He was in the Navy and I was a navy wife for 13 years. He just retired after 20 years. We lived innavy housing for 11 years of it. We had a lot of ups and downs while libing there. We do have 2 kids...a girl (9) and a boy (13). Before we married ( i was 22..he was 27) we ddidn't have the dating theme. We were just friends. Best friends. So we didn't do muvh before we had the kids.
> 
> *The downs that we had were because I have a mental illness diagnosed in my late 20's.* At first they dx it depression/anxiety...but I'm really bipolar 2 rapid cycling with panic and I have borderline personality disorder. So...I could not handle it when he was on the boat overseas. *He had to come back half way through because I would have episodes.* I was a faithful spouse all through the 13 years we were married. *When he retired and we moved to a diff state it was so stressful for him learning how to be a civilian. And get a well paying job. He is the soul provider .* I'm a homemaker cause of my panic attacks. I'm 36 now and he's 41. I was a supportive wife and he got a job that is similar to tge military work hours. He works swing shift. We lived in an apartment for a year waiting for our house to be built. *I had problems with my husband that began to surface even more since he retired. He is a yeller and I couldn't stand it along with the cussing. He was always stressed. Type A personality. Very inattentive to me and the kids. Wouldnt listen to me for very long without blowing up etc. He is also not affectionate at all. Those are the things I needed but he didn't know how to give.* *[Your BH has obviously done a lot for you. He's stayed with you despite your mental illness, he's accommodated his career for you and he works hard to give you a good life. But you "need" more from him. So, you can be a basket case of a wife who needs to be cared for but he has to be the perfect husband. Sounds a little unfair, doesn't it?]*
> 
> ...





tforty1851 said:


> No I wasn't trying to punish him. But I guess I did. *I'm just an honest person. A little too honest.* I do regret it now. *[You are not an honest person.]*
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_





tforty1851 said:


> Thank you. That's very good advice. I will do some of it...but some of it like give him the computer I can't do cause. One is a desktop and the other us a big laptop but he can change the password. With my cell phone I can get a 'go' phone and give him my cell. I can't do the no text with the plan I have. Its a family plan. We are going on a vacation in a week for 3 weeks to visit family. I hope it goes well. *Hes afraid I will leave him and stay at my sisters. What security can I give him after all this? [My advice is to do your BH a favor: stay at your sister's so that he can come to his senses and realize that he is wasting his life with you.]*
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


tforty1851, I am being frank with you because you need a wake-up call. If you continue on your present course, your life is going to spin out of control and you will eventually be in a world of hurt. Don't let that happen. You know what you need to do.

Please do it.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You have been given good advice and enough advice so that you can take ACTIONS to try and save your marriage

If you do not take actions then your life will be miserable in or out of this marriage or any other marriage. Frankly I am surprised that your husband still wants to be with you. However, you have two children and they will need a healthy mom and dad so get your butt in gear and improve yourself.

You owe it to your innocent children to get better. There are treatments for your condition and there are ways for you to get v better. *If you chose not to then you are just a cop-out and will be responsible for damaging your marriage and children.*

Don’t try and give us any more excuses; you have a degree in psychology so I know that you are remorseful.. If the men that you are cheating with are good men then they will ditch you when they find out about your baggage. There is no reason why you cannot improve so either get better or try and live with the baggage that you have.

You can still improve yourself and be an asset to your marriage and children only if you take positive ACTIONS now!



Blunt


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

tforty1851 said:


> I dknt know how to make this up to my husband and how we can get past this.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


No deep secrets, you know what needs to be done.
If you don't stop is becuase the consequences of not stopping trump over the stopping. Entitlement and self gratification, it's what it is.
If you want enough you will find the way: choose someone to make you acountable, poutting of the barriers you can, making sacrifices. It's ridiculous you can't set up things in a why it facilitates NC, ridiculous, it all depends on waht sacrifices you are willing to make, depending on your priorities, of course.
You are not going to die if you stop, even if you go uncomunicado by phone, blocking thoise numbers from the company..., the router... You know. What could happend if you can't text for a few days?
Just stop today, choose NC dayly, hourly, one day after the other. As you suceed you will get more confidence.

No secrets here.


Do this "play it to the end" exercise, put it in writting: imagine you don't stop and then follow the script about what will happen, the natural consequences of your choices, imagine your future, the future of those you love, your future with those OMs, even years down the road, at all levels (psychological, emotional, financial, practical...), imagine the impact of your choices on everyone. There're very few rational scenarios.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would you feel if he was doing what you are doing?


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Did you talk to the Australian today?

Did it feel good?

Did you tell him your are a emotional sycophant and that this is going to ruin your marriage if you don't stop?

Did he tell you, "I'll be there for you, text me anytime"? :rofl:

Yeah he is a sweetheart, and so are you.


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

No I haven't talked to him in 4 days. ..that's pretty good for me. I think a good replacement for that is coming on here. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Thanks for checking up on me.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

That is awesome!!!!

I hope you can stick with it and repair the dammage you have done in your relationship with your husband.

Please dont cheapen yourself by going back to this, and if you fail tell your husband and figure out why you fell again and put somthing in place to prevent it.

Congrads!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hi tforty how are you doing today.
Keep NC.
What measures are you taking to stop yourself?


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi. I'm doing alright. Still NC. To be honest I'm struggling with wanting to skype with this person but I keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fail again. These past couple days have been rough for me getting up early for appts. So I haven't been up to anything. I am feeling good about my marriage. I think my husband is too. I did tell my psychiatrist what I've been up to. I'm going on a family vacation for 3 weeks starting this weekend. I don't intend on talking with the guy. I find the more I don't the easier it gets. If at all possible I try not to sleep by my phone. Cause that is usually what triggers it. So I put it in the kitchen so I won't want to go on it at night..after telling my doc about it...I felt like dirt. And it affected me so much I had a panic attack. I'm taking it day by day. I'm on a thin line right now and I know that I could just revert back to my old ways at any time. This is the longest we haven't talked. I'm going to have to make some bigger changes to get this person out of my mind. I know its easy. Or at least it should be. But for me its like giving up smoking. I will have to treat it the same way. I know what I have to do now  outta sight and outta mind and keep busy.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Skype can be removed/deleted from a computer. Webcams can be disconnected or disabled. Why not do that?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tforty1851 said:


> Hi. I'm doing alright. Still NC. To be honest I'm struggling with wanting to skype with this person but I keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to fail again. These past couple days have been rough for me getting up early for appts. So I haven't been up to anything. I am feeling good about my marriage. I think my husband is too. I did tell my psychiatrist what I've been up to. I'm going on a family vacation for 3 weeks starting this weekend. I don't intend on talking with the guy. I find the more I don't the easier it gets. If at all possible I try not to sleep by my phone. Cause that is usually what triggers it. So I put it in the kitchen so I won't want to go on it at night..after telling my doc about it...I felt like dirt. And it affected me so much I had a panic attack. I'm taking it day by day. I'm on a thin line right now and I know that I could just revert back to my old ways at any time. This is the longest we haven't talked. I'm going to have to make some bigger changes to get this person out of my mind. I know its easy. Or at least it should be. But for me its like giving up smoking. I will have to treat it the same way. I know what I have to do now  outta sight and outta mind and keep busy.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


You talk to him and you lose everything. How can you still "want" to talk to him knowing the pain it will cause someone you "claim" to love. Just don't get it. Guess I should stop using logic on TAM


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Skype can be removed/deleted from a computer. Webcams can be disconnected or disabled. Why not do that?


Because then she won't be able to use it.


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Yes that's what I'm gonna do. Thanks.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You can also block certain numbers in your phone, both to call and receive.

You can't control popping thoughts, but can control what to do about them. Use a rubber band, visualize a STOP sign, carry a card with a mantra, visualize a picture of your destroyed family...

It's good you are changing your routines, whtever triggers "it". It's also good you realize you need "adition" tools to fight this "addictive" behavior.

Did your psych help you with a plan?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can train yourself to not think about him. Every time a thought of him comes to mind, stop thinking of him. Instead think of good times you had with your husband, or good times you want to have.


I had to do this to get the mind videos of my ex with his APs. When one of the mind videos started, I would stop my thought process and thing of being on the beach, on a ski slope, etc. I thought of good things. No I did not think about him because that would just trigger me. So I thought about things that made me feel good and calm.


----------



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

No my psych didn't help at all...I like the thought stopping idea.. I'm just tbinking how much happier we all would be. Tomorrow is another day and we aregoing on vacation, yay!

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

tforty1851 said:


> No my psych didn't help at all...


Ask her, she's there for you.
Take into account she will never challenge the moral aspect of this but even if she's of the type of encourage the "do what's best for you-what makes you happy" tell her you are not happy now, that you need tools to help you stop this self destructive past, and that that as long as you can't detach from this OM you can't think clearly about what you want.
Tell her it's urgent to quit this confusing life you are carrying just now.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't mean to nit pick but you said you have a psychology degree. That means your an intelligent woman. How could you not know that cybersex was not cheating? If you were sending this OM pictures of yourself that are the kind that only your husband should see and talking about sex and your fantasies, likes and dislikes, you should know that it's wrong. If your husband did what you did and tells you after he's caught that he didn't know that was cheating, would you buy that excuse?

How did your husband find out? Did you tell him or did he find out on his own? I know you want to save the marriage and I hope you can but you have to try to understand that you betrayed your husband. The OM might be down under in Australia but the way you husband feels, the OM may as well be in the same house. The ball is in your court. He's willing to take you on vacation where as a lot of husbands would be sending you packing. If your a smart lady you better get this OM out of your mind and heart PDQ or you will be the one who lost and let's face it, the OM can't help you being that he's half way around the world so your standing alone on this one.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have your husband install something like mcaffee's family protect software on the of - it can block access to the sites and tools you are using to cheat, your husband can set it up and not give you the bypass password.

He should also install a key logger to watch what you are doing?


----------

