# I'm moving this weekend- so sad



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well, I am moving this weekend into my own apartment. I am scared to death.

After 10 yrs together and many good times, we are now separated. This past weekend was a good one for us, no fighting. We went places together and just got along. He needs time after an incident and I was too impatient and pushed him father away. I wasn't strong enough to do the 180. I wanted answers that he couldn't give me which led to horrible arguments.

We plan on still hanging out and doing things together. Not every day though. We also agreed to be monogamous and not see other people, however, I am so worried about him finding someone else anyways.

How long is normal for this and does it usually work? 

I just want to hold him and feel his arms around me; I know that would be pushing though and not good.

I am going to IC so I hope I can get through this.

Thanks for reading, just trying to get my thoughts out there.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Well, everyone is different how they handle this, and not sure what's "normal" and if it'll work. I'm sure others will chime in with their experiences and advice.

I had such a hard time letting go and moving into my own place that I paid rent for two months before actually moving in. Me and STBX had the same arrangement as you guys and we did go on dates with each other, hang out, etc. The underlying issues we faced (his abuse and anger), however, were still prevalent despite separation. Oh... I was also leaving my big beautiful dream home so it was a bit tougher than just leaving the H.

At any rate... do you have kids to transition to your new place with you, or a nice cuddly dog or cat? They help! I think it's natural to be terrified. I was too.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Sorry to hear your pain. It is simply awful to just want to be loved and love with the person who you are seperating from. I saw my wife on Sunday and was looking into her eyes just wanting to be where we once were, but it take two.

All we can do is be as strong as we can. 180 helps and also makes us look more attractive. Big hug!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Separation = License to cheat

Did your marriage vows contain any provision for separating when times got tough? Didn't think so. If there is a possibility of someone else in the picture, you should buy some bright neon lights to hang over his head that says "available - on temporary assignment to have it his way" = of course, that goes for you as well. 

Did you both think this through before separating. My advice (as well as others) - unless you intend to divorce, you shouldn't separate. Separation doesn't do anything to mend a marriage relationship. Just strengthens the reasons to be apart. Creates a plan B for both of you - you only come back if each decide that the alternatives were worse. You didn't marry because you were plan B to each other did you?

Of course not! Reverse course and get back home PRONTO!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Again71: Why are YOU moving? Why not him?

I think if someone is going to cheat, it's going to happen regardless of separation or not (example: me). 

But I do like your comments about the value of separation.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> Separation = License to cheat
> 
> Did your marriage vows contain any provision for separating when times got tough? Didn't think so. If there is a possibility of someone else in the picture, you should buy some bright neon lights to hang over his head that says "available - on temporary assignment to have it his way" = of course, that goes for you as well.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with this AT ALL! Wow, what a rigid way of thinking! :slap: People change, situations change..sometimes you need to change your environment so that effective change CAN take place in a troubled marriage. 

A separation can be like taking a pot of steaming water that's about to boil over off a burner and allowing things to simmer down. Would you rather the pot boil over and get burned? That's what staying together will sometimes lead to. Separation does NOT have to be precursor to being divorced. It can SAVE a marriage as long as you establish certain ground rules and not allow bitterness and anger to take over. 

IMO if you are separated then you are STILL married so that means NO dating. If you want to play the field then you might as well file. But if you want to work on the marriage and give yourself the emotional and physical space to do so then it's a good thing, especially if there's the stress of abuse or mental problems, addiction, etc. 

And if you have children involved, as I did, then separation will bring peace to them as well. There's nothing worse for a child then to be embroiled in a bad situation of fighting, anger, threats, abuse, etc.

To the OP: Good luck in your own apartment. It might be just the thing that saves your marriage and if not, you'll learn a lot about yourself in the meantime. Best thing I ever did for my marriage was get my own place.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and I were separated for 3 months in which time neither of us dated others.

The first two months SUCKED ASS...but the 3rd month, it was more normal and we were coming togehter again. 

I got into IC from almost day one. It's helped a ton.

He moved back in September 18 this year and we've been doing well.

Good luck to you...I know the pain


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I do want to clarify that we are not married, (mutual agreement) but have been together for 10 yrs. No kids together. He is 15 yrs older than me, I am 40, he is 55.

I like the boiling water example, that's almost how it felt.

I am moving out because the house was his prior to our relationship. I am moving 10 minutes away. 

I just hope that the time will make us stronger because I am not ready for it to be final, even though it feels like I am half way there.

He did tell his parents that we are separating for awhile, so maybe that's a sign.

Thanks again. 3 more days.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Good luck to you in your move. It is a new beginning. Start to put you first and move forward. Believe him in what he does and not necessarily what he says...you ever heard of fork tonque ;o) He is looking for a way to come out of this not looking like a complete heel at the holiday time. You will be fine, and soon you will be marvelous. But you have to put in the work to make it better for yourself. I will be praying for you, and you pray for me ;o) We got this and will be better for it.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well I just moved into my new apartment. He helped me and it just seemed as if he was moving so fast and all I kept thinking was, "Damn, he sure is in a hurry to get rid of me!" I asked him about that and he said that he didn't want to be moving all day.

Once he left, as did the others, I am crying my eyes out and dry heaving.

THIS IS NOT HOME!

This is what my life has come to. A two bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment that's filled with boxes to the ceiling with 10 years of memories in them.

I can't find the strength or the will to do anything but sit and cry.

10 yrs- gone in a blink of an eye.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm so sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am sorry as well. There does seem to be finality to it with all of your things being moved. I'm wondering if perhaps a 180 would be the right thing for you to do. It would protect you from further hurt. The uncertainty of your cituation would be very hard for anyone to take.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Again71 said:


> Well I just moved into my new apartment. He helped me and it just seemed as if he was moving so fast and all I kept thinking was, "Damn, he sure is in a hurry to get rid of me!" I asked him about that and he said that he didn't want to be moving all day.
> 
> Once he left, as did the others, I am crying my eyes out and dry heaving.
> 
> ...


Look on the bright side! You're in an apartment with all your belongings! I don't want to brag about "how hard I have it", but I'm telling you this to try and make you see you are not completely off your feet:

I'm at a battered women's shelter where I get a dorm room where I hardly have any of my belongings except some clothes, a bunch of glass animals and a wooden box. The showers and bathrooms are shared, the kitchen is stocked with donation food, the living room is shared and you never know what you will find in the washing machine. I have to sign out to leave and give an estimated time as to when I'll be back so if I don't return, they know to call the police, and my daughter was wrongfully taken from me because my husband had a lawyer and I did not.

See? Its not that bad. My head's above water. I'm doing it. You find strength in the times where people think you'd be weakest. You have friends and resourses and LIFE still in your soul. You've had a life time of storing away this strength, life and power...and now its time to draw upon the back-up generators you've been charging all these years.

You'll make it. I know you will. It will be lonely at times, and you will wish you still had him. I sometimes wish I still had my own husband. But it will fade, and you will live again. I have faith in you.


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## Amy G (Apr 26, 2011)

HI.

i AM SORRY TO HEAR HOW SAD YOU ARE. i WAS THE SAME. He couldn't understand why I was sad as I had been the one to go. I moved out while he was out for the weekend, but he knew I was doing it. I didn't want him to help as I knew it would be painful.

Anyway after a couple of weeks I relised how happy I was and how much more settled my life was. My new place is heaps smaller so is easier to keep clean and the kids have settled quite happily. Other people have commented on how much happier I see. Now I only see him for the kids and to help tidy the house (where he is living) for selling it. 

It is a very sad time to see your life take such a dframatic turn, but it gets easier over time and if you can keep things friendly I think that helps.

Good luck!


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