# Talking out loud



## tyaga (Dec 29, 2009)

My first ever post. 

My problems have been staring me in the face for a very long time. And I have just let myself believe that my (and his) commitment to marriage will fix problems along the way. My love for my husband had been consistent. I have very traditional values. 

I will start at the beginning. I am an only child, catholic with happily married parents. He too is only child and comes from divorced parents. His father is muslim and his mother is catholic. I am 35, he is 42 we have 2 children. Living in a multicultural society hence multi cultural family. I work full time. He has his own business. We both work hard, but I believe I work much more as I do all the household chores. 

Alas, problem 1. Work life balance. I have a senior role in a well known organization. I work long hours, and earn well and pay equal if not more to monthly expenses/mortgages. I go home most nights at 7pm earliest. Then I try to cook most nights. Definitely on weekends as well as laundry, ironing, cleaning etc. 

Problem 2 Resent how my husband refuses to do any laundry or help out with cooking, and criticizes me for not cooking. Getting cleaner has not eventuated as he pays for a gardener to do his chores. I offer to pay, but then he...

Problem 3 He thinks I am spend thrift. He expects me to have savings even though I contribute significantly. yet when I ask him if he has savings he says he does not. 

Problem 4 We let our kids sleep with us, so we are not able to be intimate for very long periods of time. I have been so exhausted, its not been priority, and we consider letting kids share bed as bonding time with the kids.

Problem 5 He considers me fat (size 12) used to be size 10. He goes to gym almost every day and is a health and fitness fanatic. I generally eat on the run.

Problem 6 He has had legal problems with his business. he even moved his family away to another state to escape. Ironic how he moved us here in haste away from family and friends, yet he is rarely around. I am left at home alone most nights, unable to sleep, scared and watching over my chidlren.

Problem 7 I have real problems with his values. When I met him he had no problems driving through red lights, using disabled parking, using different surnames, driving without licence. he says and does a lot of things that are contrary to my value system. I am in shock most times by the things he says and does. I thought he was just being a boy, but 12 years later...

Problem 8 His mom. He told me early in my marriage that his mom is more important than me – he’d said this at other times. I had not seen her for a few years now. I thought she understood my challenges when she said to me “he is your problem now”. The last time she stayed over, she was bossing me, my children, my mother and (obedient) husband around and then claiming that I was living in her sons place and had no rights to the place I’d called home. Her behaviour was unacceptable. 

Problem 9 From the very first argument we had when married he’d ask for a divorce. Hence, divorce is a term he uses in every argument. And each time after so many years it still cuts like a knife. His mother once said, she is glad that he is exposed to a normal family (as she too was fatherless). My observation is that because he was fatherless in his formative years, *he lives to his own rules and values*. He has a good core, but like in a book titled, *The five languages of love* it states, “Children who do not feel loved by their parents will also develop a primary love language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children may learn poor grammar and have an underdeveloped vocabulary. ... They will have to work at it more diligently than those who grew up in a healthy, loving atmosphere.”

So what rule does he have over me this time? He texted me early December asking for a quick divorce and has not been home for many weeks. one minute he is a husband, next minute he is worse than an enemy. He said he would have the papers prepared. He said its because I don’t change the way I talk to him. it doesn't matter what I am upset about, to him the only thing important is how he is spoken to. I’ve tried different ways of communicating - I do get highly strung and give him a piece of my mind when I am communicating (frustratingly) the same thing over and over. 

He’s been distant and distracted these past 3 months. He'd been travelling frequently across the country and overseas. Naturally, I think there may be a 3rd person. could also be business legal money problems again ( he has had many) . He'd not spent christmas, and no intention of spending new year with his family. In fact, this past month we have no idea where he is. He just told us a day after christmas he was overseas. His son was in hospital and he barely acknowledged this. He only communicates by text.

When I married divorce was not an option it was a word not ever mentioned in my family as marriage was something you worked for. For him, divorce was used as a weapon. I aim for straight and narrow, he is a cowboy. I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

I said to him 'why so cruel, haven't we all suffered enough?' To which his 'text' response was, I need time. stop asking questions. stop with nasty messages. I will do what I want when I want. He does not want to commit to anything. He definitely thinks of me NOT as a wife. 

Absence of mature communication i.e. verbal. I see this drama as easily rectified through mature communication. I do go through periods of 'what the?' More and more often in fact. I had plenty of evidence even on my wedding day - where I should have reconsidered and ran for the hills. 

Whats next? A text from him saying divorce papers on the way. Or some normality until the next threat of divorce. I have been so ardent with my traditional catholic views on marriage but now cautiously visualizing divorce. 

My heart breaks for my children. How do I ensure he does not repeat to his kids, what his father did to him (He is already doing it now). I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone – the pain is disabling. And I hope to God, my sons do not turn into him. I wouldn’t want their future wife hurting like I do.

Talking out loud


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## Jandry (Dec 28, 2009)

I am catholic myself and I understand how heartbreaking a divorce can be. Yes, you and your children will hurt if it happens but you guys will heal. However, if your husband does not change he is only going to keep hurting you and your children. Your children are growing up seeing the way their father treats you and not is not a good example either. I myself hard a hard time growing up were I was beat everyday and now I have made that decision that I don't want to be that person. What I am trying to say by that is that no matter what happens your son will always have that choice on who he is going to be. Now back to you and your husband; it takes two to make a relationship work and he obviously doesn't want any part of it. I think you are hurting yourself more by staying with him than by giving him the divorce he is seeking. It is very frustrating working and still having all the house work while husbands do nothing, it's worse because they don't appreciate it either my husband does that too and we have only been married 7 months and it's an issue and it does have to be addressed. I hope things turn out good for you and your family.


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## tyaga (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for your comment Jandry. The irony of my life is not lost on me. 

He expects me to be obedient 1960's wife and he also needs me to work full time and have savings - yet his mother does not cook or even iron. And his father, and mothers partner both cook! I am well educated and earn very good money - yet I tolerate bad behavior. He expects me to change how I talk to him, but he ignores and then repeats the heartbreaking mistakes of the past.

I remember a time many years ago, when he was absent for Christmas and New Year. I was absolutely crushed. And he has done it again. The things that are most important is when he most lets me and now his sons down. 

I walk around with my jaw to the ground, in awe of what idiot he is - his logic has shocked and numbed me.

I remember reading in my early 20's a woman of her 30's saying if I only I knew then what I know now... 

Its funny how we are expected to know what career we should have at senior year at high school. Say at 16 or 17 years of age. And then, many of us settle down in our mid 20's to a serious commitment. Geez how much of life do we know then? Not much at all.

You've been married for only 7 months - congratulations. Its important while still in the honeymoon phase you set aside some time to be both clear about your values and expectations. And communication is critical. Love, same values, expectations and mutual communication are critical in marriage. But often, as I did, it was naive love. Good to get things clear from early on, and do a health check. 

Keep things amicable with in laws. I thought my mother in law can help me with her son. But too close to the problem, and ended up complicating things even more.

You have more emotional wisdom than I did, early in my marriage. Best wishes.


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