# Is it worth it to tell my wife and destroy my marriage?



## Purpan (6 mo ago)

I'll try to be brief. I'm male, married 17 years to my wife with 3 beautiful children. I love them all dearly. Both me and the wife are in our 50's. Back during COVID, we took in a member of our church who lost his job and was on the verge of being homeless. He's LGBTQ. I used to talk to him a lot about life and we bonded on several things. After a few months, he told me one day that he found me attractive. He knows that I've always been straight and had never had an experience with another man. Still, i felt curious. After he told me that, I started to imagine what it would be to have an experience like that. He would tell me about his experiences with different men and it made me more curious about this lifestyle.

One day, we were drinking in the garage and he offered to finish me with his hand. I had been drinking heavily so I made the decision to let him do it. From that day on, our relationship spiraled into something more. At first, it was hands only. We then moved to mouths and then he introduced me to full blown sex. He has given me pleasures that I've never experienced in my life.

This experience has changed my entire outlook on life. He moved out last year but we still meet up for sex. I admit that I started to give less attention to my wife and shunned her on some occasions to be with him. Our sex life went from once per week to once a month if we're lucky. She doesn't know about this relationship but she is desperate to repair our marriage. We've tried therapy but it doesn't work since I haven't had the courage to tell my secret. 

I'm not confused about who I am. I love them both. I know I'd be happier with him but I know the pain this would cause my wife and children. I don't know if it's worth it to end my marriage just to start a life with him. He doesn't pressure me to end my marriage but I just feel really bad. I wouldn't be able to stand to see her face if I tell her and it just doesn't seem worth it to go through a divorce and the associated pain. They both are great people but I'm just unsure what I should do. I'm happy with him sexually and for the companionship so leaving him is not an option. I love my wife dearly and leaving her alone to start over and to know about my endeavors would be too much for her. I'm struggling to find a middle ground. We tried to have sex last weekend but I just couldn't get it up for her. We talked about it and it turned into a fight so she ended up going to sleep crying. I feel bad about it and i need to figure out what I should do. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can give some sound advice, I'd appreciate it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Damn!


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

What you are doing is not only patently unfair to your wife (by removing her agency), it’s downright evil that you could be exposing her to deadly STD’s (HIV, monkey pox, and so many others). It’s well known that many (most?) gay men tend to have multiple partners and are the most likely to contract STD‘s. 

You’ve made your decision to stay with him. Fine. But you simply cannot have both. You have already destroyed your marriage - she just doesn’t know it yet. It’s time to fess up and own your choices.

Will you be a man and do this? Or remain a coward?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Your wife senses something is going on and she deserves the truth. Be prepared to lose her and God knows what STDs you may have given her. I doubt you used condom's when sucking each others ****s, kissing etc. Hope you wore condom's going up the bum hole. The poor woman, feel sad for her.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"But I know the pain this would cause my wife and children"?

Do you really?

My thought is if you truly understood this you would have never opened the door to this craziness. 

"I know I would be happier with him".

Listen, nobody and I mean nobody put a pistol to your head and made you have kids. Once you brought your kids into the world their happiness supercedes yours. At least until they're out of the house.

You do NOT love this guy. Just because he's given you sexual pleasures you've never experienced doesn't mean this is love and are you so narrow minded and selfish that you're willing to blow your family up over this?

Sounds like you are. 

Come clean with your wife because she's clueless as to what's going on and she deserves to know the truth.

One day you're going to see the pain in your kids eyes knowing you chose a man over them.


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## sweet.green.tea (Nov 4, 2021)

I think it's unfair to assume this information would be too much for your wife. I'd much rather know my husband was a self serving cheater and have a chance to start over and find someone who truly loves me than to be married to someone who so carelessly threw my marriage away. IMHO


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You destroyed the marriage already. When you were unfaithful, the marriage was destroyed in that moment.

Your wife is the walking dead. Have the decency to let her go with some dignity.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You destroyed the marriage already. When you were unfaithful, the marriage was destroyed in that moment.
> 
> Your wife is the walking dead. Have the decency to let her go with some dignity.


And to think she trusted this gay friend in there home. Possibly because she didn't think her straight husband would be unfaithful. I have had many gay male friends over the years and they all have multiple partners. 2 have passed from hiv/aids. His poor wife. This is so ****ing cruel.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Purpan the sex of your AP is irrelevant, you are cheating on your wife. Come clean with her and divorce. Give her back an honest life and not this sham you are keeping up.

You’ve made your proverbial bed, now it’s time to lay down.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I stopped partway through.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Better yet, send her here to TAM. We’ll help her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The "my first gay experience" story always gets to it with "then one day...". Every. Single. Time.

Unfortunately, situations like this do actually happen in real life. In those situations, the gay spouse needs to own up to being gay and needs to man up and confess. The marriage is already destroyed and is built on lies.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Purpan confess all to your wife and your church elders.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell her you’re gay.


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

sweet.green.tea said:


> I think it's unfair to assume this information would be too much for your wife. I'd much rather know my husband was a self serving cheater and have a chance to start over and find someone who truly loves me than to be married to someone who so carelessly threw my marriage away. IMHO


I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


You’re endangering her. You’re lying to your kids every time you tell them you love them. You don’t love anyone but yourself. It doesn’t matter if your affair partner is a man or a woman. You’re a cheater who is just using and mocking that poor woman.


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## sweet.green.tea (Nov 4, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


 It's unfortunate that you didn't think about how difficult this would be for your wife and children until now. It sounds like she should take you to the cleaners for alimony and child support to be able to live comfortably and surround herself around people who respect and love her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, your poor wife. No good deed goes unpunished.

You have no right to subject her to the STD's that you are bringing home, just disgusting. 

Your marriage is dead, cut your poor wife loose - but know that you will in all likelihood lose your children too.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

You WERENT gay, but now you sure are.

The minimun you could do is to tell her and stop emotionally torturing her, bc she knows theres something wrong but is too naive or in denial about you.

I need to say youre both horrive people, you for cheating and him for doing such a thing with your innocent wife who opened her house for him. Thats why im not accepting no one into my house.

I remember back in the day there were a small book type of folder here in Brazil (but im.sire it was a translation from somewhdre english) teaching how gay man could lure straight men into sex and thays EXACTLY what you wrote 😂😂😂 (but it was mostly directed into lurong teenagers, though). If you look maybe you will still find it in the internet.

Build friendship
Secret talk
Go talking more and more about gay sexual experiences so he will be curious
Get him drunk and do handjob or blowjob, otherwise he will run (press for sex is too much will scare him)
Then you already broke his barriers, you can push for sex

Even though nowdays that im older i see it as more like cheaters and mate poachers nprmal modus operandi, 15 or 20 years ago it was so new to me it got burned in my memory.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP. Are you and your boyfriend still going to church on Sunday?

You should know this about your boyfriend - he's an f'ing snake. Your wife invites this asshole into her home and he's Mr. Homewrecker. What a lowlife. And you love him.

You're going to crush your wife when this comes to light. Man you're being cruel to her.

I think you know you can't have your boyfriend and your wife. Living as you are now, you're just delaying 'Judgement Day' when your hand is going to be forced and you lose your family. You drop your boyfriend now, maybe, just maybe you can make amends. My goodness going to be tough, perhaps if your wife's a saint she might forgive you. But look at it from her point of view - she gets to spend her golden years with a gay man. Good times.

Drop your boyfriend, get some intensive therapy to try to get your head straight, be a good husband and father. <-- This is can lift the guilt you're feeling. Or, divorce if you prefer your boyfriend to your family. Good luck, try to be kind to your kids and wife thru the **** storm that's heading your family's way.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It's seething, to read the cowardice of a homosexual dude, hiding behind an unsuspecting woman to hide his homosexuality. The worse here is that the poor wife is desperate trying to find a way to fix the relationship, unbeknownst to her that there's not fixing. How cruel of you OP. 

Have at least the decency to muster the courage to set her straight about you and who you are, and set her free. She deserves that.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

sex is a big part of a relationship. you can't get it up for your wife anymore. so what are you going to do when she wants sex? deny her at every turn? you said you started having sex with your boyfriend while he was living with you. i'm bettiing your wife suspects something happened between you two.

most of the time, if one doesn't get it at home, he/she will get it from somewhere else. so what happens when SHE goes outside the marriage? are you gonna cry foul?

tell your wife and let her go find someone who will actually treat her with respect.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Purpan said:


> Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living.


Ever heard of child support? How about alimony? I bet you know you'll have to pay both, so my guess is your hesitation to split up has finances as a major reason you're considering staying.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Ever heard of child support? How about alimony? I bet you know you'll have to pay both, so my guess is your hesitation to split up has finances as a major reason you're considering staying.


exactly what i'm thinking!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yep. My guess is that the OP is far more concerned about his wallet than his wife. JMO


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You're not straight, Cary Grant or Brad Pitt could offer to finish me off and I would be like nope, drunk or not.

You're poor wife. Time for you to admit who you are as rough as that is going to be. It's a shame you married her and didn't let her make an informed choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Purpan said:


> I'm not confused about who I am. I love them both. I know I'd be happier with him but I know the pain this would cause my wife and children. I don't know if it's worth it to end my marriage just to start a life with him. He doesn't pressure me to end my marriage but I just feel really bad. I wouldn't be able to stand to see her face if I tell her and it just doesn't seem worth it to go through a divorce and the associated pain. They both are great people but I'm just unsure what I should do. I'm happy with him sexually and for the companionship so leaving him is not an option.


No, he's not a great person. He used your wife's hospitality to get to you. That is him being extremely hostile to your wife and your children. This assessment has nothing to do with him being gay. If a woman had been a guest in your home and did the same thing, I'd say the same about her.


Purpan said:


> I love my wife dearly and leaving her alone to start over and to know about my endeavors would be too much for her.


No, you don't love your wife dearly. No one does this kind of harm to a spouse that they love dearly.


Purpan said:


> I'm struggling to find a middle ground. We tried to have sex last weekend but I just couldn't get it up for her. We talked about it and it turned into a fight so she ended up going to sleep crying. I feel bad about it and i need to figure out what I should do. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can give some sound advice, I'd appreciate it.


Your poor wife. You are abusing her, and you are not even man enough to let her know and admit that you are having an affair. You are also putting her life at risk because the chance of you giving her an STD is pretty high. Your wife has the right to know what's going on in her marriage. She has the right to know so that she can decide for herself what she wants.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You should split from your wife - you indicated you have several properties - so give her half.

Especially since you blatantly said you won’t give up your OM.

Your wife will be fine knowing she isn’t living with someone betraying her and stabbing her in the back by lying to her face every day.

And when you pay her enough support money to keep her lifestyle the same - she may not miss you at all.

Poney up… your new boyfriend is going to cost you more than support money… you made it clear you won’t live without him.

I fully support same sex relationships - but NOT when it includes deception, betrayal and lies.

Your wife deserves better! Get honest with her and allow her the freedom to find a man that treats her well. You are not the partner for her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)




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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re afraid to tell her and destroy the marriage?

Your choices have already destroyed the marriage!


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> It's seething, to read the cowardice of a homosexual dude, hiding behind an unsuspecting woman to hide his homosexuality. The worse here is that the poor wife is desperate trying to find a way to fix the relationship, unbeknownst to her that there's not fixing. How cruel of you OP.
> 
> Have at least the decency to muster the courage to set her straight about you and who you are, and set her free. She deserves that.


And he calims both his wife and his sneaky boyfriend are good people!!!
She is totally unprotected in this situation. She had no choice and he pretends he is the victim in all of this.
I have no words for it...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. *She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living*. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


Oh she won't be paying to maintain the current lifestyle my friend, YOU WILL. As you should. There should be huge financial impact on the adulterer, in these situations, for breaking up a family. Not to mention the enormous risk you're putting your wife and children in disease wise.

No straight man lets another man put his penis in his mouth. You're gay and you're marriage is dead. Tell your wife TODAY.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Beach123 said:


> You should split from your wife - you indicated you have several properties - so give her half.


Nope. He did this, he should give her everything. He (and all adulterers) should walk away with nothing but the clothes on their back. What he's done is 100x worse than just cheating with a woman.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


Oh you’re just so considerate! Looking out for your wife’s best interests and deciding all by yourself what she deserves, what she can handle, that you are even good enough for her. I think I just puked in my mouth reading your bullcrap. 

You are so selfish and cruel. 

Be a man. Grow a backbone and one ounce of integrity and give this woman a choice in her own damn life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You know what you should do. End it with this awful man who took advantage of your wife's kindness in offering his somewhere to live by cheating with her husband. No he isn't a good man, he is a horrible man. If you want to devastate your wife and children for him then go ahead but believe me he isnt worth it. 
You and your wife must get tested for std's so you must tell her. 
If you refuse to stop seeing the OM then please tell her and leave. She is probably stronger than you think. If you are worried about her being able to afford to live then make sure you pay her good alimony and child support. You have treated her appallingly and are exposing her to all kinds of horrible STD's. 
Let her go to find a faithful moral guy. 

Also tell your pastor and the elders.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

You and your wife must get tested for std's so you must tell her.
YOU AND THIS MAN ABUSED your wife's marriage and her kindness ,
YOU have no right to keep this information from your wife ,
I agree with TexasMom and the walking dead is a very good point , she needs to be told and don't put it off 
your church might be able to help with what she wants after you have to pass the ball to her and let her make her mind up after informed discussion


TexasMom1216 said:


> You destroyed the marriage already. When you were unfaithful, the marriage was destroyed in that moment.
> 
> Your wife is the walking dead. Have the decency to let her go with some dignity.





TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re endangering her. You’re lying to your kids every time you tell them you love them. You don’t love anyone but yourself. It doesn’t matter if your affair partner is a man or a woman. You’re a cheater who is just using and mocking that poor woman.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Your M is over. It's only a matter of everyone adjusting to that basic fact. 
Not dealing with the obvious invisible elephant will cause all to wonder what is going on. 

It's completely wrong for your W to be in a mode where she knows something has to be fixed but doesn't know what or why. It's over. Give her the truth. She needs to get on with what is left of her life.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You're a selfish coward OP. Your concern isn't for your wife or kids. Financially, you are responsible for them if you divorce and you damned well know it. You've been unspeakably cruel and disloyal to this woman behind her back. In my opinion, your reasoning for not coming out are purely for your own self preservation. She deserves much better.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

You bring an out of work gay man into your home to live with you and your wife for free. This goes on for months, and you use this opportunity to experience gay sex right under your wife’s nose in your marital home. Since this guy successfully seduced you, perhaps he also seduced your wife?


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do. 

Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


if you wife had a full affair with a woman or another man how would you react to that? 
You have no right to keep this from her , while you are hiding this your wife is been cheated.
By putting yourself in her place you might see the wrong in this better


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"At least I've been man enough to admit I've done something wrong"?

Confessing this to strangers on the internet does NOT make you a "man". 

Part of what makes a man is doing the right thing and that would mean telling your wife the truth!!

A real man does NOT blow up his children's world and especially not for perverted sexual acts.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her


Come on mate. She's living now with a man who can't get it up because he's screwing his boyfriend behind her back.

God save us all from that kind of protection.

Looks to me like you're protecting your own comfy family nest, and image in the community and church, while doing the dirty with a man.

Gotta love Christian cheaters. You're protecting her because you're so nasty. Uh huh.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, *at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong*j. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


Admit it to her, then we’ll talk.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I'll say only one thing. Don't try to use therapy, (or counselling with pastor/elders), to "cure" you of liking sex with a man. 

Use it to consider what you should do, now that you know this about yourself.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

SnowToArmPits said:


> Gotta love Christian cheaters. You're protecting her because you're so nasty. Uh huh.


 Christian on Sundays , and God said love all man but some take it a bit far


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself.


The fact is, Sir, you CANNOT DEFEND this vile and wicked behavior.
There is no basis upon which you can do it. You have committed a dastardly and selfish act. The only thing you should be doing now is to REPENT of this evil, begging your wife to forgive you, and then honor your marriage and stand up and be a good husband.



SnowToArmPits said:


> Gotta love Christian cheaters. You're protecting her because you're so nasty. Uh huh.


A TV show once had a dialog line I loved......... " you can tell a lie, you can even live a lie, but you cannot PRAY a lie....."
The word of God condemns what you are doing. That's all that should matter to you. It would condemn it if you were having an affair with another woman, but it is doubly condemned to be same-sex. These are the words of the bible, not of me.
Get rid of the lies, Get right with God, get right with your wife, then accept the consequences. You will most likely lose your wife. But you will not lose God.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Purpan said:


> I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong.


You... being a man??? Excuse me? Don't make me laugh. Yo're nothing but a hypocritical coward. Last time I checked being a man does not equates with having sex and being "in love" with another man. Being a man would be to have the decency to tell your wife that you are a homosexual in a relationship with another man. Being a man would be to care enough for her well being that you wouldn't expose her to STDs. Being a man would be to have the decency to set her free. 

It's so funny and pathetic coming from you to claim that you are protecting her because she's too old to find another partner. How caring you are. You are just robbing her of her time and agency 

You're nothing but a fraud as a man and as a human being.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> you are just robbing her of her time and agency


If my wife had sex with other women, it would leave a lasting mind-movie in me that would never go away. I would have to get out, no matter what my age. Not telling her this is extremely manipulative and is now causing her to blame herself for what is, in truth, your own sin.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


Admit to who, some people on the internet who you know you as well as the guy at the gas station? I can't believe you are trying to defend this acting like you did anything. Come on man, you are far from manning up, AND DON'T MISTAKE WHAT I AM SAYING. That has nothing to do with you being gay. I know plenty of gay men who have integrity and who I would call men. Being a man is about having honor, taking care of the people you love. They don't spend years, decades even stealing someone's agency. They don't live inauthentic lives. 

You already destroyed her, so don't act like now you care about her well being. If you did you wouldn't have been banging your boyfriend under the same roof, under her nose. You aren't pertecting her, your protecting yourself. You have no idea if she will marry again or not. She may even be happier. For all you know she knows already.

You can say what you want, but I'm not going to allow you to insult men with that statement.

You sir are lost.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What you're protecting is your ability to have your cake and eat it too. You're protecting yourself, you couldn't care less about her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Was this Broke Back Bible Church?

I would say confess and the Bible backs me on this but you might want to check with your church to see what their theology is on this subject.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Purpan said:


> I'll try to be brief. I'm male, married 17 years to my wife with 3 beautiful children. I love them all dearly. Both me and the wife are in our 50's. Back during COVID, we took in a member of our church who lost his job and was on the verge of being homeless. He's LGBTQ. I used to talk to him a lot about life and we bonded on several things. After a few months, he told me one day that he found me attractive. He knows that I've always been straight and had never had an experience with another man. Still, i felt curious. After he told me that, I started to imagine what it would be to have an experience like that. He would tell me about his experiences with different men and it made me more curious about this lifestyle.
> 
> One day, we were drinking in the garage and he offered to finish me with his hand. I had been drinking heavily so I made the decision to let him do it. From that day on, our relationship spiraled into something more. At first, it was hands only. We then moved to mouths and then he introduced me to full blown sex. He has given me pleasures that I've never experienced in my life.
> 
> ...


you say you care about your wife. No you don’t. You care more about your own sexual pleasure and like the idea of having a family to cover for your bisexuality or even homosexuality. You are no different from the common garden variety cheater. You are cheating on your wife. Be a man, tell her the truth and I am sure she will have the balls to make the decision for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her. On top of the cheating, she will know that it was with someone of the same sex. Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living. One part of me strongly wants to keep this to myself and just continue on in the marriage but I don't know how much longer I can go on until she finds out another way.


I think yiu mean it will be too much for yiu coming out and all to that strange churh Yiu are a member of. Stop the bullshitting and face reality. If she gates a good bulldog lawyer which I hope she does, maintaining her lifestyle will be your problem not hers. God, you are so selfish and entitled too. And you are a Christian, supposedly.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Was this Broke Back Bible Church?
> 
> I would say confess and the Bible backs me on this but you might want to check with your church to see what their theology is on this subject.


I read so much stuff on here aboutchurch going Christian’s and all the shenanigans they are up to. Why bother going to church?no wonder Christian’s have a really bad rep.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


oh cry us a river. You are so full of ****. Let your poor wife go, set her free. You are a selfish vile creature Who pretends to care about his family when you are cheating. The problem is yiu don’t have the guts to actually live the gay lifestyle. Yiu know yiu have too much to lose. Yet even that yiu blameshift to your wife. I bet your wife will be able to take it and know what to do with yiu when she recovers from the shock.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

What are you defending exactly? You're not gonna tell your wife about your boyfriend. You are just going to carry on and live like a coward.

Like others have said, I'm sure your wife is a lot stronger than you realize and will be just fine without you. She's gonna find a better man.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


So you didn't want advice. Just wanted to tell your story. Good to know and good luck. I hope you don't end up giving your wife and STD.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


Nope. Protecting her feelings and well being would be not ever having an affair. You left that back when you stuck your peen in that dudes hand and FAILED at protecting her ever since. 

You are not protecting her from anything, you’re just lying and making more filth to cover your vile behavior while she wonders why her life is falling apart and her husband doesn’t love her. But by all means, sneak around with your nasty boyfriend and dress it up like you’re some mangnanimous savior. That’ll fix it. 🙄 

I weep at the pain you have to live with. (How many times can one person make me puke in my mouth?)


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Purpan said:


> Between separating our homes, going through the divorce, and making her start all over, it will be too much. She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living.


Since you are so concerned about your wife’s well being, you will be happy to hear that she will do fine. Better than you in fact. Between alimony, child support times 3, and her getting the house (the judge will insist right away that you and your lover leave), her lifestyle will be better than yours. Although in no fault states your suppose to be treated the same, your story is so reprehensible, she will get all the breaks when it comes to judge’s discretion and interpretation.

Your kids will side with her, and so will most of you family and friends. She will also find someone else. If you are truly concerned about how your wife will do after she finds out, your concern is misplaced; tell her now, and let her have a chance at happiness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


She will most likely find out about your affair at some point. The longer you hide this, the older she will be when she has to set up a life for herself. Your attitude is self-severing, using the excuse that you are protecting her.

You can't even have sex with her because you can't get it up with her anymore. That alone is causing her anguish. She doesn't know why and she's hurting and trying to figure out how to fix it. The fact is that there is no way to fix this. This is so very cruel of you.

How much time do you spend with your affair partner (AP)? What does your wife think you are doing when you are away with the AP?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


Question here.... does your AP have a job that earns enough to support himself? Or are you paying anything towards the place where he lives, his food, etc? Do the two of you go out on 'dates'? If so, who pays the bill?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Purpan said:


> I know it will be difficult for her.
> 
> .......She doesn't make enough on her own to maintain the life that we've been living.


Don't worry, if she hires a good attorney you will pay her plenty of money in both child support and alimony for what will seem to be the rest of your life. The wages of sin are very expensive.

Good luck and do get tested for STD's.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"Is it worth it to tell my wife and destroy my marriage"?

It may not be "worth" it to you because you're selfish and it's quite obvious your perverted sexual desires are more important than your wife and kids. However to answer your question yes it will be "worth" it for your wife so she knows the lie that you're living.

And telling your wife won't "destroy" your marriage. Nope. You did that all on your own.


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## sweet.green.tea (Nov 4, 2021)

How magnanimous of you to save your wife from having to date in her 60s. _Insert eye roll here_ 
She's already crushed and crying herself to sleep since you can't even fake it. I'm sure she blames herself. So yea, keep that up. Save her from the torture of realizing it's you and not her. So selfish.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


No, there is no EASY way out of this. But there is a RIGHT and HONORABLE way out of this. You’re just choosing not to do it.

You are hurting your wife and every minute you remain in this marriage without telling her the truth, you’re making her marriage a lie. If you continue this course, you’re just a weak coward with no integrity.
You’re a gay homosexual, just admit it and move on with integrity and live truthfully and honorably. Subjecting your wife to continued betrayal and lies is despicable and completely unGodly.

Also, you “can’t believe you have to defend yourself”? Seriously? Yeah, you should expect criticism and guidance to change your behavior when you’re behaving in a despicable manner. What the hell did you expect?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Would you _ever _do anything like this again? If you're _certain _you won't, then IMO it's a secret you should take to your grave. Yes, it's selfish, but that's not always a bad thing, if it supports the greater good for your family and children. Some will say it's cowardly, but it can also be brave to shoulder this burden and keep it to yourself.

As for it being found out - yes, that's a risk. However, the statistics I've seen are that over 85% of affairs are never discovered or revealed, so take that as you will.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Would you _ever _do anything like this again? If you're _certain _you won't, then IMO it's a secret you should take to your grave. Yes, it's selfish, but that's not always a bad thing, if it supports the greater good for your family and children. Some will say it's cowardly, but it can also be brave to shoulder this burden and keep it to yourself.
> 
> As for it being found out - yes, that's a risk. However, the statistics I've seen are that over 85% of affairs are never discovered or revealed, so take that as you will.


this isn't a one-time thing. it's ongoing.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

masterofmasters said:


> this isn't a one-time thing. it's ongoing.


He can choose to end it once and for all. If not, he deserves whatever happens to him.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> He can choose to end it once and for all. If not, he deserves whatever happens to him.


he's not going to end it. he's enjoying the sex. and he's looking for justification to not end the affair. he's also looking for someone to tell him not to tell his wife.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> Would you _ever _do anything like this again? If you're _certain _you won't, then IMO it's a secret you should take to your grave. Yes, it's selfish, but that's not always a bad thing, if it supports the greater good for your family and children. Some will say it's cowardly, but it can also be brave to shoulder this burden and keep it to yourself.
> 
> As for it being found out - yes, that's a risk. However, the statistics I've seen are that over 85% of affairs are never discovered or revealed, so take that as you will.


In this case I agree with you. If…
Unfortunately it’s not obvious that OP has the integrity and strength to end this behavior forever and bury it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> He can choose to end it once and for all. If not, he deserves whatever happens to him.


He deserves whatever happens to him regardless. Actually, he probably deserves worse.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> He deserves whatever happens to him regardless. Actually, he probably deserves worse.


His type never get what they deserve. 😔


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Would you _ever _do anything like this again? If you're _certain _you won't, then IMO it's a secret you should take to your grave. Yes, it's selfish, but that's not always a bad thing, if it supports the greater good for your family and children. Some will say it's cowardly, but it can also be brave to shoulder this burden and keep it to yourself.
> 
> As for it being found out - yes, that's a risk. However, the statistics I've seen are that over 85% of affairs are never discovered or revealed, so take that as you will.



This is terrible advice. And probably the only post this dude will pay any attention to. 

Did you miss the part where he said he wasn’t ever ending his gay relationship and couldn’t get it up for his wife and she is the only person trying to fix the marriage??? I don’t understand your advice. At all.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Please tell me that you're not seriously claiming that what you're doing is some noble thing to your wife. What utter horse****. If you're allowed to go out and find your true self, sexuality, soulmate and whatnot, why are you preventing your wife from finding the same thing? What kind of one-sided 'journey of discovery' is this?

"At least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong."
Do you... even read what you type? A true man would admit this to the person who actually mattered (your wife, mind you), not a bunch of strangers on the internet. Anyone can admit to anything on an anonymous forum. That doesn't really amount to much.



> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


Gee, poor you. I apologize, but I have no sympathy for someone who can/chooses/continues to commit this much cruelty and still act like they're the ones who are struggling with their own choices.

I'm dipping out now. This is one of the most appalling stories that I've ever seen on TAM and I honestly hope to god it's rage bait. Your poor, poor wife.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


You are NOT protecting her!!! You are lying to her after bringing in someone to your home and starting a R with him.

Your wife deserves the TRUTH! Age has NOTHING to do with it. 

Your words are basically justification for your bad behavior.

You wanted to explore your sexuality? Fine - you could have divorced her and then acted on it.

You’ve betrayed your wife! No excuse could possibly make what you’ve done to her ok.

Tell her! She deserves to know who she is really married to = someone who lies and betrays her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> He can choose to end it once and for all. If not, he deserves whatever happens to him.


He’s already stated he’s not giving up the OM who has no job and mooches off of him by living in his home.

The man was homeless! Moved in and made the moves on her husband right under her nose!

You OP - are despicable… let your wife find a decent man that will actually honor her!

You can rent a place with your OM who is homeless. Good luck supporting both families.

But you made your choice… honor that choice by paying to support both families.


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

I really appreciate all of the advice. I know she will be devastated if she finds out and after reading the responses here, it will be worse than I thought. I met up with him this morning after church and I discussed my concerns for our relationship and my marriage. We both agreed that it is wrong and she should know. He's fine either way if I tell her or if I don't. He doesn't want to be a home wrecker but at the same time, we can't ignore the feelings we have for each other. I've decided that I won't tell her at this moment. It would be too much for her. If she finds out another way then that's out of my control. I feel like I've caused her enough pain just by her confusion in the marriage. This would be too hard for her to handle and I realized that there is no easy way to lay this on her. 

I have his support so I can get through this. If I reach the point where I feel like I'm hurting her too much, I will tell her and let her go. Until then, I've decided to start back therapy with her and give her 100% of my love and attention when I'm with her. I just want her to be happy and I know that she will be the happiest with me. I've been careless with our relationship since meeting him but I feel like if I can get her to the point where she is happy and not questioning anything in our marriage, I'll be able to continue with this. Call me naïve but I truly believe that there is a way that we can all be happy even without me ruining my marriage.


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Question here.... does your AP have a job that earns enough to support himself? Or are you paying anything towards the place where he lives, his food, etc? Do the two of you go out on 'dates'? If so, who pays the bill?


He lives by himself. He moved out months ago. I used to see him 3-4 times per week but I told him today that it's too much. I need to focus more on my wife and getting my marriage in a better place. We agreed to see each other less frequently, maybe 1-2 times per week. We do not go on dates and outside of occasional gifts, I do not support him. Our relationship is strictly physical and companionship. Nothing more than that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Purpan said:


> I really appreciate all of the advice. I know she will be devastated if she finds out and after reading the responses here, it will be worse than I thought. I met up with him this morning after church and I discussed my concerns for our relationship and my marriage. We both agreed that it is wrong and she should know. He's fine either way if I tell her or if I don't. He doesn't want to be a home wrecker but at the same time, we can't ignore the feelings we have for each other. I've decided that I won't tell her at this moment. It would be too much for her. If she finds out another way then that's out of my control. I feel like I've caused her enough pain just by her confusion in the marriage. This would be too hard for her to handle and I realized that there is no easy way to lay this on her.
> 
> I have his support so I can get through this. If I reach the point where I feel like I'm hurting her too much, I will tell her and let her go. Until then, I've decided to start back therapy with her and give her 100% of my love and attention when I'm with her. I just want her to be happy and I know that she will be the happiest with me. I've been careless with our relationship since meeting him but I feel like if I can get her to the point where she is happy and not questioning anything in our marriage, I'll be able to continue with this. Call me naïve but I truly believe that there is a way that we can all be happy even without me ruining my marriage.


I have no words. You will continue both relationships? That’s going to make you all happy?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I really appreciate all of the advice. I know she will be devastated if she finds out and after reading the responses here, it will be worse than I thought. I met up with him this morning after church and I discussed my concerns for our relationship and my marriage. We both agreed that it is wrong and she should know. He's fine either way if I tell her or if I don't. He doesn't want to be a home wrecker but at the same time, we can't ignore the feelings we have for each other. I've decided that I won't tell her at this moment. It would be too much for her. If she finds out another way then that's out of my control. I feel like I've caused her enough pain just by her confusion in the marriage. This would be too hard for her to handle and I realized that there is no easy way to lay this on her.
> 
> I have his support so I can get through this. If I reach the point where I feel like I'm hurting her too much, I will tell her and let her go. Until then, I've decided to start back therapy with her and give her 100% of my love and attention when I'm with her. I just want her to be happy and I know that she will be the happiest with me. I've been careless with our relationship since meeting him but I feel like if I can get her to the point where she is happy and not questioning anything in our marriage, I'll be able to continue with this. Call me naïve but I truly believe that there is a way that we can all be happy even without me ruining my marriage.


As long as you get everything you want and your wife keeps waiting on you hand and foot and catering to your every need while you reject her because only you matter. 

Enjoy this forum.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

lol. yup. what did i tell you all? he's not gonna tell her, and he's gonna continue seeing his boyfriend. smh.

i've never been more hopeful that she finds out and goes on a grenade launching spree in court. you deserve it.


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## sweet.green.tea (Nov 4, 2021)

Your poor wife. Living a lie just so you can have everything you want while she gets scraps in between the times you go and get some ****. Newsflash, even though she doesn't know, your boyfriend is STILL a homewrecker. And you're a garbage human being. How lovely you have support from outside your marriage. How awful your wife is putting her faith in you.. a lost cause. Just heartbreaking.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Purpan said:


> If I reach the point where I feel like I'm hurting her too much, I will tell her and let her go.


I think you need to seriously consider what you're saying ^^here.^^ What I'm hearing is it's okay for you to hurt her, as long as it's not "too much." And YOU get to decide when it's "too much" for your wife. Uh, no .... Just. No.

Can you see what is wrong with this type of thinking?


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Your arrogance is appalling, OP.

It's not for you to decide whether your wife will be better off living with someone who does not truly love her as a husband should or being on her own. That is *her* decision to make. She is not a child, and you have no right to take her agency from her.

If your concern is truly about her ability to afford a life on her own, make her a generous alimony settlement on top of what you will pay for child support.

You've taken 20 years from your wife by deceiving her about your sexuality. Let her decide how the next 20 years will play out for her.

I really hope this is a troll post, although I'd still feel sorry for a wife married to someone who could post this, legitimate or not.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Purpan said:


> I've been careless with our relationship since meeting him but I feel like if I can get her to the point where she is happy and not questioning anything in our marriage, I'll be able to continue with this.


Not naive at all, but some devil in disguise manipulating her life while belisving his Is HeLpiNg HeR...

Dude, youre probably a sociopath, just saying. You and your affair both are at least sociopaths, going to church and having zero empathy, but being ok being manipulative.

HAVE MERCY OF THIS POOR WOMAN.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"We can't ignore the feelings we have for one another"??

You don't go on dates.
You meet up to have sex.

Listen, you are a coward. End of story.
Fulfilling your perverted desires are more important to you than your wife and kids.

We ALL have feelings and thoughts.
It does NOT mean we have to act on them.

In one of your previous posts you talked about being a "man" because you confessed what was going on to people here on TAM.

Hiding this from your wife and continuing to be with this other man again shows that you have no idea what it takes to be a man.

You want to be with this man then go ahead but confess to your wife what you've been doing and will be continuing to do so she can remove herself from this lie that she has no idea she's living.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You stated:

I met up with him this morning after church and I discussed my concerns for our relationship and my marriage. 

Church? Really? 
You met to discuss YOUR marriage with your OM?

You are a coward! You sit down and talk to YOUR WIFE a about how you purposely made decisions to ruin your marriage!

That’s what a man does. Sir, you are no man and don’t deserve to be married to her.

Let her know you have single handedly made a farce of the marriage by the actions you have taken and it’s been over a long time - YOU just failed to tell her what is real.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

We can all see - you aren’t keeping this from your wife to protect her - you are keeping the truth from her so that you get to have both - while having NO consequences.

You are delaying what is inevitable. She will find out.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Purpan said:


> I really appreciate all of the advice. I know she will be devastated if she finds out and after reading the responses here, it will be worse than I thought. I met up with him this morning after church and I discussed my concerns for our relationship and my marriage. We both agreed that it is wrong and she should know. He's fine either way if I tell her or if I don't. He doesn't want to be a home wrecker but at the same time, we can't ignore the feelings we have for each other. I've decided that I won't tell her at this moment. It would be too much for her. If she finds out another way then that's out of my control. I feel like I've caused her enough pain just by her confusion in the marriage. This would be too hard for her to handle and I realized that there is no easy way to lay this on her.
> 
> I have his support so I can get through this. If I reach the point where I feel like I'm hurting her too much, I will tell her and let her go. Until then, I've decided to start back therapy with her and give her 100% of my love and attention when I'm with her. I just want her to be happy and I know that she will be the happiest with me. I've been careless with our relationship since meeting him but I feel like if I can get her to the point where she is happy and not questioning anything in our marriage, I'll be able to continue with this. Call me naïve but I truly believe that there is a way that we can all be happy even without me ruining my marriage.


You need to be evaluated for sociopathy. You are a sick puppy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purpan said:


> He lives by himself. He moved out months ago. I used to see him 3-4 times per week but I told him today that it's too much. I need to focus more on my wife and getting my marriage in a better place. We agreed to see each other less frequently, maybe 1-2 times per week. We do not go on dates and outside of occasional gifts, I do not support him. Our relationship is strictly physical and companionship. Nothing more than that.


You are just a run of the mill POS cheater who is a coward, too afraid to do the right thing. Of course, if you knew what the right thing was in the first place you wouldn't have cheated.


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You hold the cards at the MOMENT - mainly because you are a bold faced liar to your wife!

What else is supposed to work? (You said “if nothing else works”)

Look, you are screwing another man, betraying your wife and family - and pretending like you are a Christian man - then you go to church then head over to your OM house to screw him several times a week! 

How in the heck do YOU think this is supposed to work out? You’ve purposely (and continue to) ruined your marriage! It.is.OVER! 

The least you could do is tell your wife so she can find a decent man in her future! As it stands - you are wasting her time with your completely selfish approach!

She deserves a WAY better FUTURE and it should be able to start ASAP!

You ARE the villain because that’s how you’ve participated! You can’t say you aren’t at this point! That horse already left the barn when you started the affair ABD made the choice every day to prioritize the OM!

You are no man. A man wouldn’t have created this mess in the first place - much less continuing to try and cover up the bad behavior under the pretense of being a good husband - all the while lying to his wife.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


Are you a politician? The mental pretzel of ******** you are trying to sell here is mind boggling. 

So it’s too inconsiderate for you to TELL her about, but it’s just fine to DO IT to her. And you have to protect her from the truth, but not the action?!?! Do you have any sense of how stupid you sound? 

Please, do tell what you are hurting so greatly over. You created this situation and perpetuate it and have the audacity to act like you’re a victim. What the **** is wrong with you???


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Not to mention the diseases he is giving his wife every time he deigns to sleep with her. Which of course he's doing because he's so heroic.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


I think you live under a bridge, but pretending you are a real poster I would say the less cruel thing would be to admit it. My friend’s husband had an affair with another man. He wanted to keep things status quo so he didn’t face the financial repercussions of splitting. God bless him when he was caught cheating he chose his male partner. They are married over a decade now and the kids love them both My friend was heartbroken upon discovery obviously, but came out the other side happier than when she was married to a closeted gay man. Who knew?

Cheating, whether straight or gay, is wrong. You don’t get to have your ”happiness” at someone else’s expense. Your boyfriend is going to tell your wife (us side pieces always do eventually, we can’t help ourselves) so it is in your best interest to be the one that relays it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

We are only ascertaining that you are the villain because that is the evidence you have provided.

What did you think the conclusion would be? That you are a good guy? Nope, no way - not even close.

Any person - your actions represent who you are. You hold NO cards - because your life as it stands is a lie.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


You are correct, a "man" does protect his family, especially from people like YOU!!

What you're doing isn't just wrong from her perspective but from any person who has a moral backbone.

"It was a moment of self discovery". Yep you are absolutely correct on this. You have learned that meeting your lustful perverted desires and making you feel good are WAY more important than protecting your wife and kids. That you're a coward and a liar and willing to be a snake doing all of these things behind your wife's back. 

"The Best decision to protect my wife and children"????? This is laughable and you are CLUELESS as to what any aspect of this statement means. 

Your kids WILL find out the truth at some point and you have no idea how much this is going to F them up for the rest of their lives.

How ironic that you use the word "evil" because that's exactly what you are. You didn't F up. If you did you would have seen the errors of your ways and put a stop to it. Not you. You have made a conscious decision to KEEP on seeing this other man 2-3 times a week.

STOP with the nonsense that you're doing some noble thing here by not telling your wife the TRUTH and not "laying this on her now and walking away". 

Continue to keep your evil secret and to continue lying to your wife and continue to keep plotting your evil deeds all with the sole purpose to fulfill your evil lustful perverted desires of meeting this other human (he too is not a man) in his apartment so that whatever you're feeling is ALL AT THE EXPENSE of your wife and children. 

You've BLOWN UP THEIR WORLD and you're so blind with getting your perversions met that you can't even see it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are not protecting her. You are cheating lying and deceiving her and exposing her to STDs. If you really cared you would stop this affair now and tell her. 
If you are a Christian you would know that you have to stop seeing the man, or any man, tell your wife and ask her and God for forgiveness. 
You and the OM have the audacity to go to church and sing praise songs to God with what you are doing? Wow, watch for the lightening bolt.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Not sure why you are here, OP, since it seems you have already decided what to do.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

OP, there have been 42 posters giving you advice on your thread. In years of reading threads on Talk About Marriage, this is most unanimous consensus in advice in memory.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP have you asked God what you should do? If you haven't then the Bible is clear. Firstly adultery is so serious in His eyes and He warns of bad consequences from it. Yes He forgave the woman caught in adultery BUT told her to sin no more.
Secondly as a married man you are to love and respect your wife. You are treating her appallingly and even exposing her to serious STD's.
God says dont lie or deceive. You are doing both. God says not to have sex with someone of the same sex, you are doing that.
I strongly believe that if you don't stop this affair and tell your wife He will make sure she finds out. It will be far far worse if she finds out and you haven't told her. She deserves to know the dangers you are exposing her to. 

You know what the right thing to do is. If you care at all about God and your wife and your children you will stop this now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


You don't hate it. You're lying. On top of all the other lying. If all this is true it just shows you're a habitual self centered lying person. 
Some people would describe you as a low life liar.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


You are the villain. You are the one that took the evil action. The one that broke your vows to your wife. You are the one that continues to lie to the person who is suppose to be your most trusted confidant. You are the one that took action you knew would put your children's home life and stability in jeopardy. You did all that for sexual gratification. If that doesn't make you the villain of this sad story then I don't know what would. 

Why are you so hell bent on protecting her now, but not when you put your penis in another person's hand? I suspect it is because you got what you wanted and now you don't want to give it up. You are actually protecting yourself, not your wife or children. Your opportunity to protect them has already passed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Purpan You have already destroyed your marriage. It's just that your wife isn't aware of that.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


If I suspend reality here for a minute.....

You ARE the villain. 100%

You didn't come here looking for any advice or answers. You came here for validation of your path forward. And you didn't get it.

Instead you were met with correct answers.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Purpan said:


> He lives by himself. He moved out months ago. I used to see him 3-4 times per week but I told him today that it's too much. I need to focus more on my wife and getting my marriage in a better place. We agreed to see each other less frequently, maybe 1-2 times per week. We do not go on dates and outside of occasional gifts, I do not support him. Our relationship is strictly physical and companionship. Nothing more than that.


Why don’t you run this plan past your pastor? See what he thinks about it…
Or a men’s group leader in the church, see what their take is.

You may be a believer, but you are certainly not a follower. 
There’s a big difference between battling against your own sin and sometimes losing (as we all do), and wantonly embracing it. 
Since it seems you are a churchgoer, I would imagine you fancy yourself a Christian. Your actions are the opposite and a complete disgrace.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> If I suspend reality here for a minute.....
> 
> You ARE the villain. 100%
> 
> ...


It's hard to believe that anyone, except his equally immoral "boyfriend" would validate him.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

I don't know if this post is real. If it is, he has to move out to be with his boyfriend. Has to 'fess up. If not real, gets a gold star for creativity.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


No, you are not a man. You’re a weakling and a coward. You have no honor, no integrity and you are an unGodly man.
You can seek to change this, but this is your current reality.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know if this post is real. If it is, he has to move out to be with his boyfriend. Has to 'fess up. If not real, gets a gold star for creativity.


90% sure this isn't. The way he got all angry at posters about "defending himself" and "being painted as the villain" doesn't hold water. Immediate spidey sense...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Purpan said:


> Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, *I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.*


The only way that approach is even remotely reasonable/respectable, is if you were to stop the affair completely, never to have any contact again and never to engage in anything similar ever again. 
To commit yourself 100% to being a righteous and proper husband and atone to your wife through your actions and loyalty.

Short of that, “protecting her“ from the truth is just dishonorable cowardice. 
And even then, it kind of still is, but at least it might be arguable…


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> 90% sure this isn't. The way he got all angry at posters about "defending himself" and "being painted as the villain" doesn't hold water. Immediate spidey sense...


I dunno, I’ve heard that kind of sh*t come straight from a cheaters mouth before, that’s what makes me think it IS real.

Waaaah I’m a victim too, waaahhh I love too many people, boo hoo its so hard to be meeee… I mean it sounds just like a spineless cheater to me. No?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

QuietRiot said:


> I dunno, I’ve heard that kind of sh*t come straight from a cheaters mouth before, that’s what makes me think it IS real.
> 
> Waaaah I’m a victim too, waaahhh I love too many people, boo hoo its so hard to be meeee… I mean it sounds just like a spineless cheater to me. No?


Sounds like someone who knows exactly how to rile people up.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> Sounds like someone who knows exactly how to rile people up.


You could be right, I certainly hope there isn’t some poor woman out there with a husband this evil, but I don’t overestimate human decency anymore so I take it as legit. I’d prefer it to be your take rather than mine.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Purpan said:


> I can't believe I have to defend myself. Whether or not she ever finds out, at least I've been man enough to admit I did something wrong. I've been with this woman for almost 2 decades. I know what she can and cannot handle. I'm not saying what I did was right but the fact that I am at a happy place with my sexuality should mean something, even if she isn't fully aware of what's going on. Even though I haven't told her, that doesn't mean that I don't love her. I feel like I'm protecting her feelings and wellbeing. At our age, dating isn't easy as it was 20 years ago. She would be well into her 60s before she got to a place of being to date again if i did tell her. So in all fairness, I feel like I'm protecting her, even if it means I need to suffer with my own dilemma on what to do.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all the advice. I realize from the responses that there is no easy way out of this. I may be forced to tell her one day but from what I'm seeing, she will be destroyed one day or another if she finds out. There is no easy way out of this and that's a pain that I have to live with now.


You've been man enough to admit you did something wrong?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


The only right solution is to tell your wife the entire, the whole, truth. If you are a man, you will do this.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

unbelievable how delusional this guy is. all you're doing is thinking with your little head.

by all means, continue. i hope she finds out(obviously you're not gonna grow a backbone and tell her) and takes you for every penny...scorched earth.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


I think you are wrong. She is likely blaming herself that you can't get a hard on when you are with her. That's why she went to bed crying, likely thinking something is wrong with her and you just are no longer attracted to her. So instead of leaving her this way for months or years you may just be relieving her self doubt by telling her you are gay. Imagine the epiphany when she realizes it's not her and your just gay.

Lets face it, the chances of you getting hard for her now are slim since your better sex encounters are now with him. She just doesn't do it for you anymore. you will continue hurting her everytime she tries to engage you romantically or sexually.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yes, of course leave your wife to be with your OM. You deserve to be happy… just not at the expense of lying to your wife and making a mockery out of your marriage.

Tell her today! She deserves that truth!

Defending yourself - you referenced… there is never a reason to defend bad behavior… especially when you don’t intend to change a thing - knowing you are the one causing great harm to others!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.


You are only protecting yourself, you have no empathy and are a vile human being. Pull off the band aid, your wife must know. The lie you are perpetrating on her and your family is grossly inhuman. Let your wife make a choice about her own future. You probably think you have a right to be happy with you OM well so does she. If she knew the reason why you cannot get it up with her is because you are sticking it to a man, don’t you think she would probably be devastated but relieved to know it’s not her. You now say you will focus on your marriage. Well she is not a fool. Her intuition will let her know that you are a liar. In fact, she would not want to work on the marriage or be in the marriage if she knew the truth. Tell her and do not prolong this any longer. Stop using her and the family as your cover, cause that is what u are doing, Go and live the homosexual life if yiu must but do what is right by your poor wife. Do the right thing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> The only way that approach is even remotely reasonable/respectable, is if you were to stop the affair completely, never to have any contact again and never to engage in anything similar ever again.
> To commit yourself 100% to being a righteous and proper husband and atone to your wife through your actions and loyalty.
> 
> Short of that, “protecting her“ from the truth is just dishonorable cowardice.
> And even then, it kind of still is, but at least it might be arguable…


But that outcome still perpetrates the lie. As a wife I wouldn’t ever want to go near my husband if he had been with a man. I would want to vomit at the thought of him touching me. Sex would be completely out the window. If he’s gay he won’t be able to have sex with her. The marriage is over, he destroyed it for good.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

You are quite simply a thief. A lowly thief that is stealing time from the person you swore to honor and cherish. You are not doing her a favor. Every day you go without telling her, you steal time from your spouse, and you steal her RIGHT to make the decision of whether she wants to live this way. It is utterly disgusting.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I suspect she will find out before too long anyway. I hope so if he isn't man enough to tell her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

aine said:


> But that outcome still perpetrates the lie. As a wife I wouldn’t ever want to go near my husband if he had been with a man. I would want to vomit at the thought of him touching me. Sex would be completely out the window. If he’s gay he won’t be able to have sex with her. The marriage is over, he destroyed it for good.


Fair point, I totally get it. Obviously the whole newfound gayness angle does throw an even bigger wrench in it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I hate how I'm being painted as the villain. I'm just as hurt as anyone would be in this situation. If I weren't then I wouldn't be here looking for answers. Let be honest. She's hurt now but it is nowhere near the level of pain that she will feel if I told her today. I hold all the cards and it would be very inconsiderate of me to just take the nuclear route and tell her everything today. I thought coming here that it would be possible to tell her and let her down easy but I see now that there is no chance for that to happen. Again, I hold all the cards. If nothing else works, I'll have no choice but to tell her. Until then, I need to do everything in my power to protect her even if that means not telling her about the affair.





Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


Oh man are you full of it lol. You lost the moral high ground the first time you cheated. You probably couldn't find it with a map and compass at this point.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Fair point, I totally get it. Obviously the whole newfound gayness angle does throw an even bigger wrench in it.


He’s using his wife to stay closeted. If he was ready to come out he’d have left her. This whole thing has zero to do with consideration for his wife and everything to do with what he decides is best for himself. Period.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> He’s using his wife to stay closeted. If he was ready to come out he’d have left her. This whole thing has zero to do with consideration for his wife and everything to do with what he decides is best for himself. Period.


I agree


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> I agree


I also meant to say, I’m unsure of how “new” his homosexuality is. I just can’t imagine a man would accept a hand job from another dude unless he knew he was attracted to men all along. But what do I know.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> I also meant to say, I’m unsure of how “new” his homosexuality is. I just can’t imagine a man would accept a hand job from another dude unless he knew he was attracted to men all along. But what do I know.


Don’t know, don’t wanna know.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I also meant to say, I’m unsure of how “new” his homosexuality is. I just can’t imagine a man would accept a hand job from another dude unless he knew he was attracted to men all along. But what do I know.


when i went to cuba, there was a gay man at the resort. he was overall a nice and caring man. i had nice chats with him over the week. on the last night, everyone there went to a club. he tried getting me drunk. i declined his offers, but he insisted on buying me all kinds of drinks. i did drink a few, but he kept going. then after a while of this, he realized that i wasn't actually drinking. i was giving the drinks to a cuban newly wed couple on their honeymoon. so he stopped, and we didn't say anything to each other the rest of the way. i knew what he was trying to do and didn't engage.

the point = you don't accept anything sexual from the same sex unless you are already curious and/or attracted.

so yeah, i agree with you about the OP's "newly found" homosexuality.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

The newlywed couple benefited!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> He’s using his wife to stay closeted. If he was ready to come out he’d have left her. This whole thing has zero to do with consideration for his wife and everything to do with what he decides is best for himself. Period.


^^^THIS^^^


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Purpan said:


> I need to focus more on my wife and getting my marriage in a better place


You know how you do this -- STOP SEEING the other man COMPLETELY. You cannot be focused on your marriage if you are still cheating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> I also meant to say, I’m unsure of how “new” his homosexuality is. I just can’t imagine a man would accept a hand job from another dude unless he knew he was attracted to men all along. But what do I know.


Agreed, and his wife is entitled to know that he swings both ways or one way and not towards her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Tell tale sign. Once someone is outed as potentially telling a made up story, they stop posting.

Hmmmmm


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I'll try to be brief. I'm male, married 17 years to my wife with 3 beautiful children. I love them all dearly. Both me and the wife are in our 50's. Back during COVID, we took in a member of our church who lost his job and was on the verge of being homeless. He's LGBTQ. I used to talk to him a lot about life and we bonded on several things. After a few months, he told me one day that he found me attractive. He knows that I've always been straight and had never had an experience with another man. Still, i felt curious. After he told me that, I started to imagine what it would be to have an experience like that. He would tell me about his experiences with different men and it made me more curious about this lifestyle.
> 
> One day, we were drinking in the garage and he offered to finish me with his hand. I had been drinking heavily so I made the decision to let him do it. From that day on, our relationship spiraled into something more. At first, it was hands only. We then moved to mouths and then he introduced me to full blown sex. He has given me pleasures that I've never experienced in my life.
> 
> ...


Take it to the grave, telling spouse. Is going to hurt and they don't need to know that.
It's sin enough if you leave for the otherwise.
Why leave you are just going to do irrefutable harm to spouse. Such it up and be the best spouse till the day you pass


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Purpan said:


> And for the record, I am a man! A man finds solutions and protects his family! I'm not saying what I did was right because I know from her perspective, it's terrible. However, it was a moment of self discovery and learning more about myself. At the end of the day, the correct option would be to make the best decision to protect my wife and children. If that means keeping this secret for now then so be it. How cruel would it be to lay this on her now and walk away? I'm not an evil person. Yes I ****ed up but I still love her.


Dream on.
So far you've only demonstrated your capacity to lie at the drop of a hat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You should probably tell your wife what’s up before she mysteriously comes down with monkeypox.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

David60525 said:


> Take it to the grave, telling spouse. Is going to hurt and they don't need to know that.
> It's sin enough if you leave for the otherwise.
> Why leave you are just going to do irrefutable harm to spouse. Such it up and be the best spouse till the day you pass


Terrible advice which takes away the wife’s agency to make a decision about her own future. In addition he can’t get an erection with her, he’s gay and it’s affecting her self esteem. She may also catch STDs. He’s tasted the forbidden fruit. There is no going back.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Good grief. Tell your wife. Yes it will hurt her but eventually she’ll realize that knowing the truth hurts less than being lied to for the rest of her life. I thought I would never get over the moment my husband told me he was in love with another woman. But I’m still standing. I’m divorcing him and can already see the light on the other side waiting for me. I realized, with some time and therapy, that the lies he was telling me before he confessed and the person he was pretending to be were actually far more hurtful than knowing the truth.


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## derelwex (5 mo ago)

I think sooner or later she's going to find out anyway. Lying to your partner is the worst thing you can do for him. Unfortunately, I was cheated too, and very secretly, but I was able to spot the deception. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt it in my heart. For example, I found out about my wife's cheating myself. I had some suspicions for a long time, as she is constantly sitting on Facebook, and does not pay attention to me at all. At first I thought it was a crisis in the relationship that was worth getting over. But then I found SignsCheating.com, where I learned about the signs of cheating. And unfortunately, my suspicions were confirmed.


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## My Monsters (Mar 13, 2021)

From a wife who’s husband decided to experiment after 25 years. Telling her will destroy her confidence in her self, she will think you never really loved her or were attracted to her, she will think her past is all a lie. What you have done is even crueler that just cheating on her. She can’t compete with a male…she is a female how do you compete with something your not. 

Just for reference, my husband realized he was just fascinated with the newness, differentness and excitement of cheating. Make sure you just not excited about something different/new…..it will lose its luster with time too. Love is a decision not a feeling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My Monsters said:


> From a wife who’s husband decided to experiment after 25 years. Telling her will destroy her confidence in her self, she will think you never really loved her or were attracted to her, she will think her past is all a lie. What you have done is even crueler that just cheating on her. She can’t compete with a male…she is a female how do you compete with something your not.
> 
> Just for reference, my husband realized he was just fascinated with the newness, differentness and excitement of cheating. Make sure you just not excited about something different/new…..it will lose its luster with time too. Love is a decision not a feeling.


Knowing that something is wrong but not being told what it is will also have really bad effects on her. 
The decent and honest thing to do is tell her. 
I don't agree that it being with a man will hurt her more. It wouldn't for me. Cheating is cheating.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

My Monsters said:


> From a wife who’s husband decided to experiment after 25 years. Telling her will destroy her confidence in her self, she will think you never really loved her or were attracted to her, she will think her past is all a lie. What you have done is even crueler that just cheating on her. She can’t compete with a male…she is a female how do you compete with something your not.
> 
> Just for reference, my husband realized he was just fascinated with the newness, differentness and excitement of cheating. Make sure you just not excited about something different/new…..it will lose its luster with time too. Love is a decision not a feeling.


You shouldn't have to compete. Drop him off at the OMs house with a bouquet of roses. "Cest la vive".

I really can't understand how a man can dabble in homosexuality and not be a homosexual. The whole newness and excitement sounds like a load of crap.


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## My Monsters (Mar 13, 2021)

As to the question should you or shouldn’t you tell her….you need to be honest with her. You need to end one or the other relationship. Your cheating on both relationships.

Just my opinion, the only reason cheaters want to tell their partner is they want to get it off their chest, they think it will easy their guilt….once you tell the partner, they feel like they did the right thing and hope their partner will forgive them. Unfortunately, once you tell her…you will shatter her life. 

Unless you have been betrayed by a partner, you can’t understand the devastation it let’s lose on your life. If you don’t want to give up your new friend, then you should be honest with your wife and set her free to start a new life with someone who will love and respect her. I don’t hear remorse in your post, without remorse on your part telling her will be the beginning of the end. 

As for me….I wanted to know. I suspected he was doing something and started carefully watching him…. I caught him and confronted him on the we spot.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Now I've read everything.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This thread may be best closed. Imho whole thing seems a stretch.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This thread may be best closed. Imho whole thing seems a stretch.


Was about to say the same thing


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’d rather find out my husband was gay than he left me for a woman. I hope you don’t contract monkey pox or HIV, you’re a messed up dude


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew a real life version of this story. Difference was he told his wife in advance that he was bi and she accepted it and they got married.

She's comfortable with the idea to the extent that they share sexual experiences. Obviously not everyone's cup of tea, but it works for them.


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## enamibht (5 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "But I know the pain this would cause my wife and children"? Do you really? My thought is if you truly understood this you would have never opened the door to this craziness. "I know I would be happier with him". Listen, nobody and I mean nobody put a pistol to your head and made you have kids. Once you brought your kids into the world their happiness supercedes yours. At least until they're out of the house. You do NOT love this guy. Just because he's given you sexual pleasures you've never experienced doesn't mean this is love and are you so narrow minded and selfish that you're willing to blow your family up over this? Sounds like you are. Come clean with your wife because she's clueless as to what's going on and she deserves to know the truth. One day you're going to see the pain in your kids eyes knowing you chose a man over them.


 Well said 👍


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## enamibht (5 mo ago)

Purpan said:


> I'll try to be brief. I'm male, married 17 years to my wife with 3 beautiful children. I love them all dearly. Both me and the wife are in our 50's. Back during COVID, we took in a member of our church who lost his job and was on the verge of being homeless. He's LGBTQ. I used to talk to him a lot about life and we bonded on several things. After a few months, he told me one day that he found me attractive. He knows that I've always been straight and had never had an experience with another man. Still, i felt curious. After he told me that, I started to imagine what it would be to have an experience like that. He would tell me about his experiences with different men and it made me more curious about this lifestyle.
> 
> One day, we were drinking in the garage and he offered to finish me with his hand. I had been drinking heavily so I made the decision to let him do it. From that day on, our relationship spiraled into something more. At first, it was hands only. We then moved to mouths and then he introduced me to full blown sex. He has given me pleasures that I've never experienced in my life.
> 
> ...


Disguisting ! Confess to your wife at least , i feel sorry for her really , think about your children not about YOUR SELF ! And your wife has the right to know and to get away with this toxic relation and to find someone that really loves her , and im gonna give a little piece of advice : when it comes to familly think twice dont take decision for pleasure no


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## Purpan (6 mo ago)

I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage. 

I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. *I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids.* Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


You talk about her and your children like they’re pets, strays you were generous enough to take in and give a towel on the floor to sleep on and a bowl of water. Explains a lot. Sure, keep it from her “for her own good.” 🙄


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


Your decision is very cruel and completely lacks integrity. You have no idea how she would manage, women can be very tough. You are constantly esposing her to dangerous std's and having sex with her after you have had sex with a guy. That is plain cruel and nasty. 
If you felt as bad as you claim then you would immediately stop the cheating. If you really cared about your wife and children you would stop the cheating. 
You only care about yourself and you are too weak and pathetic to even be honest and own up to the terrible way you have behaved. 
The reason you won't own up is that you aren't prepared to stop the adultery even if it means your poor wife may be struck down with a horrible std or even aids. How selfish you are yet you pretend you are the victim here, you aren't you are the perpetrator. 

When she finds out, and she will, I hope she shows you how strong she is by throwing you out.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


Yeah yeah. You are just repeating the same garbage. We know that you never intend to tell your wife about your boyfriend. We know that you are just gonna keep ****ing him and going home to your family with a big smile on your face. No need to regurgitate the same nonsense over and over again. 

I truly hope your wife finds out. Then you can come back here and ask us for help, as she's taking you for everything you own...leaving you homeless. Good luck.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Yeah. I’d feel so much better not knowing my husband was bring a dude. You’re horribly gross.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Butt Fricking a guy and couldn’t get it up for his wife. Disgusting excuse of a spouse. What will you say when she gets monkey pox?


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Butt Fricking a guy and couldn’t get it up for his wife. Disgusting excuse of a spouse. What will you say when she gets monkey pox?


"I can explain." 😂


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surely you can see how much worse it will be for her if she finds out for herself, which she will. Imagine finding this out herself and knowing that you have been lying to her all this time and also putting her health at serious risk. Her upset at you telling her now will be nothing compared to that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

masterofmasters said:


> "I can explain." 😂


“You’ll see that everything I did, I did for you.”


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> “You’ll see that everything I did, I did for you.”


That poor poor lady. Giving that other disgusting man a home and then being betrayed by him and her husband. What a couple of appalling men they are. Still there will be consequences and they wont be pretty. Surprised that haven't been stuck by lightening while sitting in their church yet, but God has His ways of bringing things that are in the dark into the light. I have seen it happen before.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That poor poor lady. Giving that other disgusting man a home and then being betrayed by him and her husband. What a couple of appalling men they are. Still there will be consequences and they wont be pretty. Surprised that haven't been stuck by lightening while sitting in their church yet, but God has His ways of bringing things that are in the dark into the light. I have seen it happen before.


You are far more optimistic than I am. I hope you’re right.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


A good man provides a hell of a lot more than clothes, food and a roof for his wife and children. They are your family not shelter animals. 

You’re a very bad man if this is your life’s best act of philanthropy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You are far more optimistic than I am. I hope you’re right.


In their case they are pretending to be Christians, going to church while acting totally against what God wants them to do, committing adultery and with another man as well, lying to and betraying his wife and children.
I am thinking it will all come to light before too long. The consequences will be far worse than if he acted like a decent man and stopped his affair and told his wife.

He won't though as he is a selfish coward and God won't be mocked.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

You bake a cake with someone and agree, half of this cake is your's, and half of this cake is her's. 

The cake goes in the fridge, and you go ahead and eat your's. And then you eat her's as well. 

You replace the cake with a styrofoam cake, all the while saying, 'Your cake is still there babe, eat it anytime you want.' Knowing full well it's not there. Oh, but you are being SOOO selfless by lying and telling her it's still there. And beside, you ate her cake, because she could have gotten fat from eating her's. Really, you did it for her own good. You are just looking out for her. 

Oh, and by the way...the styrofoam cake, you laced with STDs, just in case she wanted to go in there and eat the fake cake....figured you would spice things up a bit for her. Aren't you SO loving? Isn't that a wonderful way to 'protect' her.

We should applaud your selflessness.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purpan said:


> Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.


That isn't the only thing you've done, you also are ****ing another man.



Purpan said:


> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout.


I think you have it backwards as to who in this relationship isn't strong enough to deal with the fallout.



Purpan said:


> Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


You lie like a rug, you don't appreciate the input. Every last bit of it is the opposite of what you are doing. Eventually you or your man ***** will slip up and your wife will be utterly devastated to learn that not only is her husband is having a homosexual affair, but also that he has been hiding it from her for years and playing her for a fool to dumb to know what was going on. Way to do the right thing for your wife and family.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


You keep telling yourself what you want to hear.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I sincerely hope your not still having sex with your wife....What your doing is really F -ED up...You said you couldn't perform with her. Don't you think she is going to figure it out sooner than later ? If you really wanted to make her happy , and take care of her , if you really loved her , you would let her go..You say you are protecting her , but youŕ only protecting yourself and your lover. Selfish ? You bet. !


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret.* I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life* in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


No, you don't. You can simply cut it off with your boyfriend. 100% your choice to keep that going to satisfy your selfish desires.

It's one thing to cut if off as a mistake and not tell your wife (which is bad enough). But it's entirely another to refuse to give up your affair. That makes you just as scummy and terrible as any other ongoing cheater in the world. To pretend you are better than that is a delusion of epic proportions.

I hope your wife figures this out and gets the F out of your marriage. She's literally in danger.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

IS IT WORTH IT TO TELL YOUR WIFE AND DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE?

I'm sure your wife would want to know no matter how much it breaks her heart. She would have the choice to eventually move on or forgive. She deserves to know what you are doing behind her back. The only person you are protecting by not telling her is yourself. Yes it would destroy your wife for some time but will get easier for her eventually. She will have the chance to meet someone who treats her like a queen. She would eventually forget about you and any love she had for you will turn to hate. If you love your wife as much as you say you do, then tell her so she can see who her husband really is.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Purpan you have already destroyed your marriage, it's just that you haven't bothered to tell your wife that.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Purpan said:


> I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


But of course, can all these people not see your suffering?...are all they mad, blind, or something? I mean, not if but when your wife gets the shock of her life with a sexually transmitted disease all that suffering you're going through will wash unto her, and finally she'll understand. I know no one is coming to save you, but tell me...who's going to save your wife from you?


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Purpan said:


> I promised myself that I wouldn't respond to this again but this has become ridiculous. For the last time, I am thinking about my wife! I truly care for her feelings and wellbeing. Maybe she doesn't know the truth but sometimes in life, the truth hurts. I've provided her a life that she should appreciate. She's had shelter, clothes, and has been well fed the entire relationship. Same with our kids. Everything I've done for them is worth something. Don't accuse me of being selfish when I've done nothing but provide for them during this entire marriage.
> 
> I've decided not to tell her. The responses here have shown me that she won't be strong enough to deal with the fallout. Call me whatever you want but this decision is the most unselfish thing that I've ever done. I'll continue to provide for her and our children for as long as I'm alive. I'm the one that has to suffer mentally. I'm the one that has to suffer with this secret. I'm the one that has to suffer with living this double life in secret to protect my family. Nobody is coming to save me so I have to save myself. I appreciate all the input I've received but I've made my decision.


if you are in this forum asking advice from people you do not know but have been through this, then you know you are selfish and are in the wrong. you are still continuing the relationship and see no issue in stopping. just slowing down. When and if your wife finds out this will be like finding out your spouse is a serial killer and you did not know it. If you were so sure in your decision makings then you would have kept this to yourself. Think about it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Classic cake eater logic... this is a lost cause. I feel terrible for the wife. I guess we'll just have to hope karma deals with this one.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Man this is one extremely strange thread. To sum it up…you are gay…divorce your wife and let her have someone who loves and respects her. You certainly do not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

re16 said:


> Classic cake eater logic... this is a lost cause. I feel terrible for the wife. I guess we'll just have to hope karma deals with this one.


Its hard not to feel so sorry for this poor woman. Knowing something is wrong but thinking its her fault that her husband doesn't want sex with her. 😢😞 Hopefully she will be praying that God will show her what is going on, and He will.
I hope one day she will be with a decent man with integrity who truly loves her and who will be faithful to her and not deceive her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Its hard not to feel so sorry for this poor woman. Knowing something is wrong but thinking its her fault that her husband doesn't want sex with her. 😢😞 Hopefully she will be praying that God will show her what is going on, and He will.
> I hope one day she will be with a man who truly loves her and who will be faithful to her and not deceive her.


Praying for this woman that the truth will be revealed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> Praying for this woman that the truth will be revealed.


Yes good idea. I had a friend who suspected that something was going on with her husband. She asked God to show her what it was. Within a short time she had real proof, he was cheating.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Yes good idea. I had a friend who suspected that something was going on with her husband. She asked God to show her what it was. Within a short time she had real proof, he was cheating.


I know someone like that too. She prayed and within a short time, a woman, H, messaged her on facebook with all sorts of proof. My friend, J, said that H did it because she thought that J could blow up the affair and save her friend (the OW) from the jerk. lol Apparently, B thought that J's husband was mistreating her friend and she was mad. I've seen this happen more than once in real life with people who prayed.


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## norbi141 (Dec 3, 2021)

You were treated appropriately to your actions. Next time if don't want to treated like a entitled asshole don't act like a entitled asshole. Simple as that.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


Your words....it will never happen unless I allow it....speaks volumes. 

I do find it difficult to believe that anyone over the age of 30 would use those words with a straight face in this situation.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


Oh brother. He's really in charge. In charge of lies, deception, self serving selfish gratification with innocent unknowing victims all around him. But he's in ffffing charge. 

We're so jealous we're not hot like you with all your sex opportunities and powers of deception and fraud. 

I'm starting to wonder if this was a fake all along or a completely self absorbed narcissist of the worst kinds you'll ever see on these forums. He definitely wasn't seeking any real changes of anything.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


Let's stay with the disrespect. 

No one cares enough about you and your antics to include hate. 
You wanted honest replies, there you have it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


Jealous???? Hardly. Angry yes, angry at the appalling way you are treating your innocent wife and children.

Yes it will happen, you are NOT in control,God is. It will blow up because God wont be mocked. You are both pretending to be good Christians while a) committing adultery b) having sex with another man(both of which are very serious in Gods eyes), c) lying and deceiving your wife and allowing her to suffer and d) putting her health at serious risk. Do you honestly think that God will sit back and let your poor wife be treated this way? To let you and this awful man act the way you are with no consequences? He wont believe me. He really wont. He has His ways of bringing things that are in darkness into the light. It wont take long.

Then you pretend you are all doing this so your wife wont be hurt, as if you care about that because if you did you wouldn't be cheating on her or deceiving her with a man who she welcomed into her home. No you are doing it because its what YOU want to do despite the fact that it makes you a terrible husband and father. 

If you had come here in repentance, admitting to what you had done, being willing to stop the adultery and asking for help as to how you could tell your wife, then the reaction would have been very different.

However you are acting terribly, disobeying God in very serious ways, lying to your wife and children, deceiving them every day, allowing your poor wife to think its her fault you don't want sex with her and putting her at serious risk of catching an awful STD. And you think anyone here is jealous??? Really???? You are deluded.
Then you claim its you who are in pain, well there is an easy answer to that, stop this tawdry affair and tell your wife. Get this awful man out of your life, talk to your pastor as well. Be a real man for once and take the consequences of your actions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This verse came to me. I believe its a warning for you. Prov 28 v 13.

You can’t whitewash your sins and get by with it; you find mercy by admitting and leaving them.

Another in Galatians 6 v 7

If you think you can fool God, you are only fooling yourselves. You will harvest what you plant.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I remember being in a hotel in Arkansas. Spent the night there on my way traveling further south. Outside the hotel there was a huge lighted billboard that read." Thou Shall Not Tempt The Lord Thy God " 

My point is , you know what your doing is wrong , yet you continue to do it...Let's be honest , for selfish reasons. For you and only you. Do you have an end game ? You are tempting more than just fate , you say you don't want to hurt your wife but you already have. Why did u really come to this forum ? For sympathy ? YOU ALONE have done this . How does your AP feel about what YOU are doing to your marriage ? Or is it all about the sex ....Be honest with yourself. You are tempting the Lord. You know this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> I remember being in a hotel in Arkansas. Spent the night there on my way traveling further south. Outside the hotel there was a huge lighted billboard that read." Thou Shall Not Tempt The Lord Thy God "
> 
> My point is , you know what your doing is wrong , yet you continue to do it...Let's be honest , for selfish reasons. For you and only you. Do you have an end game ? You are tempting more than just fate , you say you don't want to hurt your wife but you already have. Why did u really come to this forum ? For sympathy ? YOU ALONE have done this . How does your AP feel about what YOU are doing to your marriage ? Or is it all about the sex ....Be honest with yourself. You are tempting the Lord. You know this.


He is certainly on a very slippery slop heading downwards. We can only warn him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


Yep you caught me. I'm so jealous of your situation. So is my wife, she really wishes I had a secret male lover I was hiding from her while leaving her high and dry in the bedroom.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Purpan said:


> I'll try to be brief. I'm male, married 17 years to my wife with 3 beautiful children. I love them all dearly. Both me and the wife are in our 50's. Back during COVID, we took in a member of our church who lost his job and was on the verge of being homeless. He's LGBTQ. I used to talk to him a lot about life and we bonded on several things. After a few months, he told me one day that he found me attractive. He knows that I've always been straight and had never had an experience with another man. Still, i felt curious. After he told me that, I started to imagine what it would be to have an experience like that. He would tell me about his experiences with different men and it made me more curious about this lifestyle.
> 
> One day, we were drinking in the garage and he offered to finish me with his hand. I had been drinking heavily so I made the decision to let him do it. From that day on, our relationship spiraled into something more. At first, it was hands only. We then moved to mouths and then he introduced me to full blown sex. He has given me pleasures that I've never experienced in my life.
> 
> ...


I have no problem with anyone being gay, bi whatever, I do have a problem with people who are so weak. Lots and lots of bisexual people get married and remain faithful. "Leaving him is not an option" yes it is, It is 100% a viable option, but you are willing to choose this guy over your wife and kids. You make that decision you will regret it for the rest of your life. But the ship has sailed and you have to find the strength somewhere to tell your wife and let the consequences come. You have most likely already destroyed your marriage, now it's time to be a decent human and be honest and do the right thing.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I have no problem with anyone being gay, bi whatever, I do have a problem with people who are so weak. Lots and lots of bisexual people get married and remain faithful. "Leaving him is not an option" yes it is, It is 100% a viable option, but you are willing to choose this guy over your wife and kids. You make that decision you will regret it for the rest of your life. But the ship has sailed and you have to find the strength somewhere to tell your wife and let the consequences come. You have most likely already destroyed your marriage, now it's time to be a decent human and be honest and do the right thing.


All these details and you think he'll do the right thing?

Vegas odds are 9 million to one.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I can't even imagine 😢 how hurt your wife will be when she finds out. You never stated how your AP feels about your situation. Is he OK with being in this duel relationship ? Or is he as morally inept as you seem to be ?
Even worse that this has happened within the guise of helping this man thru the church. Sodom and Gomorrah. To answer your question there is no EASY way out of this. The only solution is to tell your wife and move on with your life. And yes , it will destroy her. She will question her faith. She will question everything in her life , thanks to you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Assuming this is real....

His "second life" will eventually become more and more dominant, because it's his true self. And there will be some point, where his need for this life will surpass his need to be careful. And then, his wife will discover, very painfully, that her husband is a fraud in many respects. And it will be infinitely more painful than if he just came out and was honest with her now.

His hubris will be his downfall. Being able to hide this today has nothing to do with his ability to hide it later, when he's way further deep into his homosexual relationship.

Bottom line, he won't be able to keep it going - it will crash at some point. Despite what he thinks today. 

The only way it doesn't is if his wife "knows" but pretends not to know for her own protection.

Either way, I feel so sorry for her.

And @Purpan nobody is jealous of you. Nobody is jealous of someone who can't come to grips with his own reality, and who is clearly tortured about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> I can't even imagine 😢 how hurt your wife will be when she finds out. You never stated how your AP feels about your situation. Is he OK with being in this duel relationship ? Or is he as morally inept as you seem to be ?
> Even worse that this has happened within the guise of helping this man thru the church. Sodom and Gomorrah. To answer your question there is no EASY way out of this. The only solution is to tell your wife and move on with your life. And yes , it will destroy her. She will question her faith. She will question everything in her life , thanks to you.


It will be far harder when she finds out herself later on rather than if he tells her now because the lying and deception will make it so much worse.
If she has a strong faith and good church and family support system she will be ok.
The excuse he is using not to tell her that she won't be able to cope is just that, an excuse not to do the right and moral thing. Millions of others have coped, some with even worse situations, she will cope for her children.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Purpan said:


> The hate and disrespect here is real. I came here humble while looking for a solution and I get treated like an animal. It almost feels like certain people here are jealous of me. Like they are angry that I'm able to control the narrative of my situation. I get it though. Everybody can't be me. It's obvious that I'm in pain but at the end of the day, I still have my marriage and my children. Nothing has blown up over here and it will never happen unless I allow it. I understand why that makes people angry and jealous.


You are not looking for a solution but validation of the solution you have already set your mind to. The hate is the fact that no one is OK with YOUR solution


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> I know someone like that too. She prayed and within a short time, a woman, H, messaged her on facebook with all sorts of proof. My friend, J, said that H did it because she thought that J could blow up the affair and save her friend (the OW) from the jerk. lol Apparently, B thought that J's husband was mistreating her friend and she was mad. I've seen this happen more than once in real life with people who prayed.


There is a woman posting at that is in a bad relationship , she said she is praying asking god for help,
she is still having sex with the husband , and does not have any children , she later said she has been diagnosed not long ago to have an infertility problem , one could look at it as gods way to not put a child into the mix , 

I know of a story of a woman in my home town , many years ago when you got married and made the best of it , and divorce was not legal at the time 

she went to her local church and spoke to the REV , after she told her story she left the church in called to a friend that had a shop, 
In disgust she told her story to the woman and said all the REV said was go home and pray for a happy death , each time she called to the church she got the same response , some months later her husband dropped dead age 36, 
was it god or bad health but the shop owner thought it was the work of GOD


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*This thread has outlived its usefulness and is now closed down.*

@Purpan you have your answers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for closing the thread, @MattMatt. You beat me to it.


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