# Trouble with Family



## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Hello! I am new to this forum, but am having some relationship trouble with my wife and strongly desire to make it work, I am hoping someone here may be able to provide some input. 

I am not sure where to start, so I guess I will just start... My wife feels my family is uncaring, un-loving, and not generous because they do not help us financially. Many families, including some of both of our sets of friends, do receive financial help from their family. Things can be difficult for us, as I am working and she is going to school full time, but her family is quite giving and generous and it has helped us through tough times. However, while I admit my family is not as helpful as her's or others, this does not mean they are uncaring. She will say that any family who loves their children will provide for and help. I will argue that my family is very helpful, they're always there to listen, provide physical help as needed, but granted at this point they don't provide much/any financial help. From my perspective, I am nearly 30, am married, have a professional career, and my family helped with with my bachelor degree and provided for me when I was a child very well. They worked very hard to provide for me, and I feel their job in that respect is over. So, I become quite frustrated hearing this. 

At this point the argument has become quite serious and has come down to her requiring that I agree with her, or it means I am choosing my family over her, and love them more than her = I do not care about her and our relationship won't work. I do not agree with this opinion. She will state that I am being stubborn and refusing to see the facts. I will say there are many different types of people, income levels, ages, and situations. 

I asked repeatedly for her to write this message with me, to add her side or modify what I said to make sure her views are represented. However, won't participate, saying why do I make it so difficult, why don't I just agree to end the fight/save our marriage. Typically, I would. This is one thing I think we need to honestly sitdown and work together on, I won't agree my family is "selfish and uncaring" after they've done so much for me (Granted, not her). I want to "agree to disagree" "just not talk about it" "Respectfully disagree" but she insists I fully agree and that is the only choice. 

Please, help.


EDIT: This is not our only argument, my finances and income/ability to provide (typical, I know) are also a subject of contention. However, this at the moment, is the most pressing because we're both seemingly willing to loose our relationship (6 years total, 8 months married) over this seemingly trivial thing that suddenly gets deeper that it would appear.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You may not want to hear this but IMHO as a 30 year old graduate you should be more than capable of fully supporting yourself and your wife.

For your generation who through the hard work and effort of your parents have been able to enjoy the benefits of further education to expect their parents (or in laws) to continue to assist them further is selfish in the extreme. If the older generation does have some spare money should they not be encouraged to use it to fund their own retirement rather than subsidizing grown up children.

When (if ever) do you and your wife expect to be able to support yourselves, do you ever plan on having children of your own, will you be happy to keep working until you are 80 or 90 years old so that you can support them in the same way you and more so your wife now want to be supported??

You are both adults, take responsibility for your own lives, stop asking others to do it for you just get out there and do it yourselves. If that means you working extra hours or your wife getting a part time job whilst at school then so be it.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Well, thank you for the response, but this is exactly my viewpoint!

My family helped me through my education and I am eternally grateful for all they've done - so this is why it's such a big issue to me to hear things like they're selfish, or uncaring. At this age, I don't expect anything. 

I do work hard, full time decent salaried position, plus two side business, plus doing whatever odds/ends work I can find to make ends meet. It adds up to a decent income, and should be acceptable. 

Of course things are tight on one income, as we're saving for a house, and she is a full time student. But, while she may say differently, my perspective is she hates my family because they do not help with out bills and blames them for our struggles. She has actually said there is no hope for a relationship with them because "I don't want a relationship with people who are uncaring" and I ask, what can they do to show they care? In the end it comes down to financial help, which as Wiltshireman said, and in my opinion, in unacceptable at this age. 

I am trying very hard here to be neutral and not talk negatively about my wife. I don't think that is healthy, I am here to attack a problem, not a person... I am looking for solutions. However, perhaps there is no hope and she truly needs to find a wealthier man. I have been able to consistently come up with 2-3k per month above my job just doing stuff on craigslist/mining bitcoin etc to help - yet we still have these issues. I recoginze the difficulties, but sometimes, on one income, life is a *****. I work as hard as I can for her, but I feel there is no appreciation. Only complaints. (My perspective, to be fair) In our financial fights, she will take my income, divide it by two and say that's not enough for her/two people. ANYWAY.... that's another battle. Tonight, I want to solve how she feels my family is uncaring and selfish for not helping us. How I can work with her to either show her that is not the right way to live, or at least help her be happy with the life I can provide without family support and stop blaming them? 

To make matters slightly more irritating, she kicked me out of our bedroom over this conflict so I have all night to post my feelings about it here! lol


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> If the older generation does have some spare money should they not be encouraged to use it to fund their own retirement rather than subsidizing grown up children..


AMEN!! And my family is on the older side, they need to think about this! I/we don't need their help! (IMO). UGHHH!!!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

antimattercrusader said:


> AMEN!! And my family is on the older side, they need to think about this! I/we don't need their help! (IMO). UGHHH!!!!!


Ask her if she is going to want to fund their retirement.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Is your family rich? If they are loaded then I can understand your wife taking this point of view. If they are not, then I would point out to her that they have their own money worries.

If your family and hers are in similar economic circumstances and hers are more generous financially than yours, that is unfortunate in that she will understandably make comparisons.
There may not be a lot you can do though, as I think people can be very sensitive and resistant to change where money is concerned.

I am full of sympathy for the younger generation as in my country the cards have been stacked against them so that their futures look bleak. There was talk on the TV the other day about how people were going to have to wait until they were in their fifties here before they could buy their first house.

The trouble is the rich want all the money and are leaving very little for everyone else.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Two things stand out here:

1. You guys are willing to end your marriage over something like this. Does your wife and marriage mean this little to you? 

2. You let her kick you out of your bed over something like this.

What does it matter? They not going to help you financially anyway (and I don't blame them). So it’s irrelevant whether that mean they are stingy or not.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

antimattercrusader said:


> To make matters slightly more irritating, she kicked me out of our bedroom over this conflict so I have all night to post my feelings about it here! lol


So let me see if I have this right. Your wife is unwilling to sleep with you unless you acquire income from your parents to help support her family? So, she doesn't feel the need to help herself by getting a part time job or finding a way to earn money while she goes to school. The burden to support her is on everyone else? And, if you do not do this for her, she will not sleep with you?

You have a bigger problem then what you initially posted in that you are married to an "entitled princess" who doesn't understand that life isn't "all about her". I'm sorry to have to point this out to you as I understand that you are trying to avoid this part of the discussion, but there we have it. She lacks empathy for what you do to bring income into the house and she lacks empathy for your parents who are a generation older and not required to support your family.

So, what is the solution? Tell her no. You will not ask your parents to financially support your family. Tell her no. She cannot lock you out of the bedroom. And further, if she has any complaints in regards to the family income, she can cut back on something or get a part-time job. Welcome to the real world. Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Eight months married and she's setting herself up to be the one in control the relationship. It's her way of handling conflict. Is she defensive when you express disagreements? Does she take your views as personal attacks? You two need to learn how to handle these conflicts with empathy and without demands. And you need to set some boundaries as to what your marriage will be. 

Have you spoken about MC? Here is some affordable help...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ogram-relationships-get-paid-participate.html

You should read this too...No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is trying to assert herself over you. Since women are not physically as strong as men, they come up with mental warfare and deny sex in order to assert their power in a marriage.

What you have to realize is that she is testing your manhood. She is doing this to make sure you are worthy of having a child with.

Now, anyone with an ounce of sense would know that YOUR PARENTS ARE HELPING YOU AND HER PARENTS ARE HURTING HER. The proof of the pudding is that you are graduated and employed and she is a 30 year old student.

So what you have to to is tell her that your parents are helping you and you belive that as long as food is on the table you are not taking handouts. And making sure a child is capable and independet is the good parenting and not bad parenting. Period end of story and don't bring it up any more. 

And any time she tries to kick you out of bed, tell her you are staying in the bed, and if she does not want to sleep with you that she can leave the bed. (Her selfish and screwed up viewpoint is that women are entitled to marital beds).


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

If I were you I would dump the side jobs and businesses. 
For that matter I would stop giving her spending money until she gets a job to earn her own money. This isn't going to get any better until you put your foot down, hard.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She feels entitled to take money from your family because .......

Seriously?

She's emotionally blackmailing you & your family. Don't give in.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think your wife needs to cut back to part time schooling and to get a part time job to help out with finances. How are you paying for school? What type of school is she going to? There are a number of things she can do to help lighten the load on the family financially so that you two can live without handouts. 

I hope she's not going to a small private college that costs 2 to 3 times as much as an equivalent state school. And I REALLY hope that she is studying for a meaningful degree that will result in real job prospects too.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. She's a student and bringing in nothing but has no problem complaining about money. Tell her to get a job and go to school at night. To point a finger and accuse when she doesn't contribute anything financially is BS. This is a taker in a big time manner.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book, ASAP: No More Mr Nice Guy. You are being railroaded and if you don't stop it now, you'll spend the rest of your life miserable.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm wondering if ultimately, your parents not helping is only a sideline. In short, she doesn't like the current financial situation, she's jealous of friends (perhaps even siblings?) that have a better off financial situation, and she's looking to blame someone.

What if she going to school for? Is this a career that actually have potential to earn income?


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm wondering if ultimately, your parents not helping is only a sideline. In short, she doesn't like the current financial situation, she's jealous of friends (perhaps even siblings?) that have a better off financial situation, and she's looking to blame someone.
> 
> What if she going to school for? Is this a career that actually have potential to earn income?


I think this is an excellent point and probably the root of the issue. I don't think anyone I Know has a better financial situation given the circumstances, but some people have different circumstances. Such as two incomes, or for example one of her friends, over 30, single, living at home making 40-60k/year with no commitments except to party. Regardless, though, my wife is very unhappy with the financial situation, and when we fight abut it, my typical response is point out to me someone who works harder, someone who does better at my age - or provide a meaningful solution I can act on other than something that lands me in prison or dead. There are not many people doing better, unless they're spoiled and received help from family. Now... we're fighting about family, so I imagine your point is correct. Furthermore, this time, the argument was initially triggered by the fact that another person (who she dislikes and does not approve of because they're a leach.. haha, right?) has a "Better" life than us while not working at all. That fact is not true, but it gets her going, because they have a single "nicer" thing than us. Also part of that initial argument was the fact that one of my friends received help with a down-payment on a house - but my family does not shower is in random cash. So, she thinks they're unusual uncaring... always says "Just ask anyone" so that is why I am here. The fact we do not have a home yet is due to a number of issues, one of which is her not working to help support us and the price range of home she desires. She'd be happy to point out that "it is not much", but the reality is I am not quite there yet. 

Let me respond to a few other points: 

- Neither of our families are rich. My family has to work hard for what they have and my income approaches theirs. My father only has another year or two left before he can't work due to insurance reasons. So it's important for them to save their own money. 

- My marriage is very important to me, and I try to be very diplomatic. However, under no circumstances will I be forced to admit to her and agree with her that my family is "uncaring, selfish, and ungenerous" after all they've done for me. That, in her own works, is the only solution. Because she is the wife, "it's the husbands job to stand by his wife and agree with her. If I don't it means I care more about them than her" Right there I don't agree, but it seems I'm not allowed to disagree at this moment. People have disagreements, will not bow to that, even if it ends our marriage. Maybe I am being too harda$$, but IMO the ball is in her court.

-Regarding fiances again.... heck, my family even helped with wedding costs, she'll be quick to point out not as much as her parents and not as much as what knot.com says is traditionally expected. Well, that's a story for another day. They came down to where we live (1000s of miles away) and physically helped as much as possible as well. They ran errands for her, did everything that IMO they needed to, except write a bigger check. She will even tell me that I've been brainwashed by them, and the real reason they don't want to give us more is they're selfish, not that they can't afford it, or they don't know how to help, etc. 

- She kicked me out of the bedroom, this is the 1st time in our relationship. It's not really a good deal since it's our place, she doesn't help with money or much of anything else - so really I shouldn't be kicked out. She states " Just want to be alone tonight" I asked if she meant I should be on the couch or be gone, and she said she didn't care, just not in the bedroom. I don't find this to be acceptable, but to be honest I was done fighting. I very nearly was on the next flight out - but want to make this work. It's not that my marriage is not important to me, it's just that this whole post is the tip of the iceberg, my rope is getting small. When I continuously hear that "everyone pittys her to be with someone like me" and she is embarrassed, if I dare try to bring up that other people think maybe I am not so bad - I get a "you think your so great but..." response. Well, I don't think I am so great. But I work hard for her, I do my best to treat her well, and I make every effort to learn about relationships to help - I think I am not the WORST. Of course not hte best either, but I feel like she wants me to know being with me is like a punishment. I never hear "I am happy to have you" or "I am lucky to have you" if someone like that was read it would make me so happy for months. It's just negative all the time, and this gets old after months of it. BTW: Kicking me out of the bedroom was not a sexual thing. If sex was a weapon she wants to use against me, she'll loose that one. I enjoy intimacy based on emotion and love, and if i am upset like this, she can keep the sex, I'm good. It is not a tool for control, but rather something two people share in love IMO. 

-I help with school as much as I can, but her family covers alot so I can't take credit. She is going to a 4 year state university. It's about $1500/class. Due to her families help (and mine), she has no student debt and I think that is something to be happy about, regardless of who paid for it. Life is not that bad. She only 4 months left... Home stretch. Be happy. But she is upset my family doesn't help with it, because her family is done - so now I"m covering the full bill and it's a struggle. She thinks since my family doesn't help, they don't care. Anyways, Her degree will be lucrative, and she is ambitious. That is not an issue. With two incomes our petty issues this will be solved, but I feel like this is a check engine light and more money is like cutting the wire to the light.

- I don't want to dump the side businesses because one of them is working towards my true dream. As for the other crap, you might be right. By pulling rabbits out of hats continuously, with zero appreciation or even an understanding that it's not easy, I may be enabling. 

-I will check out that book No more Mr. Nice Guy. Thank you. 

We're going to have a family meeting with her family today. She assured me everyone hates my family because of this, and she is 100% right, and told me to ask anyone - her family. So I called them and said we need some relationship advice, lets meet up. I don't think my wife thought I would really do that. Her family are great people, they are like my real family. Perhaps they can help her understand this is not acceptable. And if they do truly hate my family because of this (Doubtful) and are reinforcing her views, at least I'll know. 

Thanks for all the input. At least I know I'm not way off base here. When someone (especially my wife) says I've been brainwashed, I want to get outside opinions. I know how I feel, but I want to be fair with her and analyze/understand her view. I know I can be a stubborn person and I want her to be happy. I am int he wrong I want to know. Anyway, thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hate to tell you, but her parents probably RAISED her to be a golddigger, so you're likely to see them side with her on this. But at least you're going, and doing something.

Now for the real question: are you sleeping in your own bed again?


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

No, her family is great, I love them almost like my own. Gold-digging is the opposite of the ideals they stand for on a fundamental level. They do tend to spoil her a little bit which probably has installed a princess syndrome, but out of love. I doubt they will side with her, but if they do, that is their right and I'll respect it. The problem is I don't feel I should be forced to say I think my family is selfish. Even if they dislike my side, I don't think they agree with what is happening at the moment. 

In anycase, one way or another, it will provide insight. 

Update; I feel they're about to side with me, because she was like "Even if they agree with me, they won't admit to because it'd be mean to you" *sigh*. I suggested we see a marriage counselor then, she didn't like that idea either. I do not want her family to take a "side" I just want to neutral advice from someone she will respect, if I am right or wrong, either way - we need help.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You're overcomplicating things.

The answer is to stand up for yourself. Tell her what you think and believe and tell her it's no longer going to be discussed. 

Don't get wrapped around the axle discussing it with her.

Given all you post, it's worth standing up for yourself and offering her the choice to continue to be married to you or not.

If my wife ever told me that everyone pities her or she is embarrased about me, I would basically tell her the marriage is over .


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

If she only has 4 months to go, does she have some frightening exams coming up? If she does perhaps that is the real problem?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You're overcomplicating things.
> 
> The answer is to stand up for yourself. Tell her what you think and believe and tell her it's no longer going to be discussed.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with Hicks. 

You are getting to deep into the arguments. Don't lose track here. It's not about the arguments. It's about her immaturity. She is trying solve conflict by controlling you. Like a three year old throws themselves on the floor of toys-r-us, in a fit, because a parent won't buy a toy. Boundaries , based on logic right now, that's the key. Not explanations. 

Read NNMMNG, I gave you the link in a previous post...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

antimattercrusader said:


> When I continuously hear that "everyone pittys her to be with someone like me" and she is embarrassed, if I dare try to bring up that other people think maybe I am not so bad - I get a "you think your so great but..." response.


So...is it safe to assume that your wife came from a family where mom and/or dad is a professional or works in a white collar job while you along with your family are blue collar workers? I can't help but think that there is some kind of "class warfare" going on in your wife's mind and that she feels like she married below her station. If you do not have kids with this woman - DON'T! Right now, I think she is having second thoughts about your marriage. I also think that someone or some people have put a bug in her ear about you not having enough of an education to bring in the money that is required for her standards. I hope I'm wrong, but this is what I sense.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Well, her father is currently in a white collar job, but has done about everything including farming - so not really. My father is a pilot. She may still feel she's married below her station, but bear in mind I am the most highly educated person in her immediate (Maybe extended depending how far you extend) family at this moment. When I stop and thinking about it, I don't actually think anyone pitties her, when I talk to these people, they must be VERY two faced because they always speak volumes of positive about me and what I do to take care of her. Even when I am not around or they don't know I am listening. I think it's a tool she used to hurt me/win fights when she's upset. 

I don't have kids and have no plans to right now, parents style issues brings up alot of arguments, mostly spoiling kids = loving, vs me thinking providing what is needed but making them work in some way (grades, chores, jobs etc etc) for what they want to teach responsibility/money management. Kids are not in the picture anytime soon. 

Perhaps she is having seconds thoughts, I must admit I am. 

I think my income (Not education) is the issue. While I will speak up that it is not bad statistically, she will tell me it's not that good and there are alot of people who are better off. True. In life there are always worse off and better off, but the key to happiness IMO is being happy with what you have while working towards a better future. Sure I want to make more money, but money is only a component of happiness. I have a white collar job and do blue collar work at night and on the weekends. Maybe that is an issue.. I do what is needed and don't mind getting my hands dirty when needed. It leads to my income is above average for my education (Bachelor) level and age. However, she wants to be rich (Who doesn't?) I think she married the wrong person, unless she is willing to wait longer and work with me to achieve this goal. 

You may very well be right. How can I try to work with her, or decide when it's time to move on?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Personally, I wouldn't try to work with her on this. If she was being reasonable and trying to engage you in an adult discussion about long term goals and aspirations, maybe you would have something to work with. But telling you she is embarrassed and complaining about something that objectively, she has no right to complain about- well that's borderline abusive. Don't put up with that nonsense.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Dude! At best, your wife is a spoiled child. At worst, she has serious mental issues. 

She will always find something to be unhappy about. She will always compare her situation to one that is better. She is a miserable person and she blames YOU for that. You only have eight months invested in the marriage. You should get out. 

I'm not normally this pessimistic, but when I hear about someone who will say any hateful thing to get their way I just think that they are so seriously damaged that there's no way they will ever be normal. This kind of person doesn't recognize that they have issues. To them, it's the rest of the world that has issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

antimattercrusader said:


> No, her family is great, I love them almost like my own. Gold-digging is the opposite of the ideals they stand for on a fundamental level. They do tend to spoil her a little bit which probably has installed a princess syndrome, but out of love.


Spoiled is spoiled, amc. And that's what I'm talking about. Spoiled kids become entitled adults. Period.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know a guy whose wife did what yours is doing. He was an engineer, but that wasn't prestigious enough. So he got a second job to buy her stuff. Still not enough. He got a weekend job. Gave it all to her. Still not enough. He started throwing newspapers. He was basically working 3am to 12pm every day of the week. And giving her every bit of the money. She finally divorced him. Best thing that ever happened to him.

You need to find your balls. Read NMMNG and MMSLP and realize that it is NOT YOUR JOB to make her feel secure and overcome her selfish, spoiled attitude. It's hers. 

You're doing what you're supposed to - support your family. But if you start bending to accommodate this ridiculous request, or anything else like it, you will set a precedent for being under her heel for the rest of your life. What she really needs is a STRONG man, who tells her to get over herself. Is that you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this:
Fight Club Quotes :: We are a generation of men raised by women, I wonder if another woman is what we need


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Read this:
> Fight Club Quotes :: We are a generation of men raised by women, I wonder if another woman is what we need


lmao. Point taken though. I think this is where I have found my balls.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, are you going to be sleeping in your own bed tonight?


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Depends on if I am still in the same geographic location, but if so - yes. (If she does that again, I think I'll be taking a camping trip for a while, or go visit some friends, or family) 

I am reading NMMRG, interesting perspective. I do have some of the traits listed here, it's a good read. I took some of my vacation time to do an odd job to make some more cash.... that fell through due to my equipment failing. I think I'll read this instead.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember, you didn't marry her, expecting to have to kiss her ass. You expected to be her equal.

So act like it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've known her for 6 years, married 8 months. Did you not have a clue as to her values and immature behavior before marriage? How old is she?

It would be tempting to help her pack up her fake louis vuitton luggage and ship her back to Daddy Warbucks.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Just remember, you didn't marry her, expecting to have to kiss her ass. You expected to be her equal.
> 
> So act like it.


What a concept, if only you could hear our arguments lmao.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> Just remember, you didn't marry her, expecting to have to kiss her ass. You expected to be her equal.


antimattercrusader, you'd be amazed how many find this a strange concept.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You've known her for 6 years, married 8 months. Did you not have a clue as to her values and immature behavior before marriage? How old is she?
> 
> It would be tempting to help her pack up her fake louis vuitton luggage and ship her back to Daddy Warbucks.


That's epic because she actually does have fake LV luggage. Anyway, Well - I did to a degree. We traditionally have had a good relationship. There have been some rough patches for sure, but we had a good relationship. 

It seems she expected everything to financially change after we got married and we'd sail off into the sunset of happily ever after, but I do not have a hidden stack of cash so reality is reality. For example, her friends asked her "How's married life?" and she responded "uhhh.... I didn't expect it to be so hard financially." Nothing has changed though, we've lived together on my income for a while. The money issues and expectations after marriage got MUCH more difficult to deal with.

Also, there is some bitterness over the wedding on both sides. I was not able to afford what she wanted, her parents paid for most, my family for some - but she seems to hold it against me and/or my family. That, plus how she treated me during the whole wedding was not a good experience... she would put some impossible task on me and state "Just figure it out!" Well... I'm a little bitter, but I let it go up and till all this started and now it's compiling and causing me to have a negative attitude.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> antimattercrusader, you'd be amazed how many find this a strange concept.


Yeah, sometimes she'll get annoyed when I say "It's not all about you, or me. It's about us. We need to work together to better both our lives" She equates it to, I don't want to work to treat her well which means "I don't love her" when that is simply false, I just see a relationship being about betterment of both lives, not slavery. Otherwise, why bother? If all I need is sex or housework (and I do the housework) then both hookers and maids are cheaper. That's not what I want, I love her, want to work together to build a life.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

BTW: She is 25


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The woman who is now my ex wife was just like your wife about my family and money...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I figured she was a real bridezilla. 

So, she had totally unrealistic expectations of married life. You need to have a 'come to Jesus' convo with her real quick re finances and her disrespect for your feelings and hard work. Her parents may need to sit her down and have a little talk with her. 

Her degree may be in a lucrative field but, that doesn't mean she'll benefit unless her attitude changes. No one wants to work with a prima donna. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

antimattercrusader said:


> What a concept, if only you could hear our arguments lmao.


 Can't have an argument with only one person.

"I don't like where this is heading. I'm leaving the room."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Wife, I'm happy in this marriage, but if you're so unhappy, you're free to go back home and live with daddy."

Try it.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Let her know that when they die you will get your share. She sounds selfish and immature.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The next time she says she wants to be alone tonight, hand her a sheet, blanket, pillow and point to the couch and tell her
that it's your turn. I'm sure you will have all the space you want in the living room. Your the one who has to get up and go to work.
Friend, meeting with her family is a bad idea. You DO NOT need to discuss your family and how they do things with the family of a selfish spoiled rotten girl. If (by chance) they start using you as a sounding board and start running down you parents, get up and walk out not before you tell them to keep their ungrateful daughter. Remember, it's their daughter and blood is thicker than water. Be careful.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Ok - Well thanks for all the input. At least I know I'm not way off base. The only response to any argument I can present (today) is that I am a stubborn person. Se is correct. I tend to be. That said, I'm going to try to seek some professional counseling. Perhaps our issue is we're both stubborn. 

Thanks again!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

From what you post, I have no idea why you are seeking counseling. And you are not stubborn.

Your wife is committing one of the ultimate sins a woman can do in a marriage. She is disrespecting you her husband.

Your marriage cannot survive unless your wife respects you.

You will not gain your wife's respect until you tolerate nothing but your wife's respect.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> Just remember, you didn't marry her, expecting to have to kiss her ass. You expected to be her equal.
> 
> So act like it.


I like this way of framing the problem. Those of us who got into lousy situations on our marriages may have been ignorant of what was happening, or too passive, or partially responsible... it doesn't really matter. The point is to insist on being equals and act as equals. The old dynamics that led to the current lousy situation have to be scrapped. Obviously, they didn't work.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

Hicks said:


> From what you post, I have no idea why you are seeking counseling. And you are not stubborn.
> 
> Your wife is committing one of the ultimate sins a woman can do in a marriage. She is disrespecting you her husband.
> 
> ...


I mean counseling for both of us, not just myself.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Good luck with the counseling if you can get her to go... she won't like it. She won't be able to hide her shallow, entitled attitude and I'd betcha she won't go back after one session.

Sleep in your own bed and don't do the housework. (I can't stand hearing about women taking advantage of their husbands and basically bullying them. Not agreeing with her = game over? Grrr! Especially when she's just wrong!) 

Her family may have helped her with school, but you are keeping a roof over her 30 year old head. It is NOT your family's job to put her through school and it sounds to me like you and your family have a very healthy attitude about personal responsibility and the nature of caring.

It's pretty sad if she thinks the only way to demonstrate caring is with dollars. Be glad you don't think that way. I don't know if you'll get her to come around, but I wouldn't waste too much time trying if I were you. She's likely to just treat you badly until she finds a sugar daddy.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

I am completely baffled as to what on earth you are possibly getting (on a positive note) from your relationship with this woman. Because, based on what you've written, she seems to be bringing an incredible amount of stress and strife to your life.

She:
- at the age of 25, completely expects other people to pay her way in life
- refuses to get a job a) like any other person her age has and b) to help pay HER portion toward this money-filled life she harps on you to give her
- belittles, insults, demasculates, and antagonizes you on a regular basis (incredibly unacceptable of her to tell you her family dislikes you and that her friends PITY her for being married to you!)
- insults your PARENTS in front of you
- expects your parents to put money towards for HER college expenses (Wha?????)
- compares you to other husbands/men and implies they 'love' and 'take care of' their wives more than you do
- tells you to leave your marital bedroom when SHE is the one who doesn't 'want to see your face' (why is she in charge of who sleeps where?)
- has no concern and appreciation at all that you're working 3-4 jobs to provide for her, while she has no job at all
- doesn't do any housework
- expects you to always give in to her ("... why don't I just agree to end the fight/save our marriage. Typically, I would.")

And more that I could type up!

Really, please explain to us all why you are putting up with this kind of behavior from the woman who is supposed to LOVE and SUPPORT you and to be your PARTNER (not child-like dependent) in life?

This is insanity!


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