# Bitter old maid



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I am currently in therapy dealing with my separation and divorce but the anger sometimes just consumes me. Unfortunately my soon to be ex is a moron and I don't think I will ever hear sorry or I was a jerk for treating you horribly. It usually is triggered by his constant biweekly text messages like "oh hey got some mail for you I'm forwarding" or him wanting information for upcoming tax filing as we separated last fall. I think I'm really bothered by the fact he has not asked me at all how I'm coping with everything, am I ok? etc... THANK GOD we had no children together or anything else that might tie us up for years. I have initiated zero contact since we split. I did finally text him back last night to tell him to stop texting and just send e-mails for anything he wants. Does the anger eventually subside? I now know any omission of wrong doing on his part is never going to happen. I don't want to end up some bitter old maid hating this guy till I die.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Why did you chose this particular title for your thread?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i can tell you from experience, you wont get the sorry story. or how are you coping. you just wont get it because he doesnt think like how you think .
The content of your relationship and whatever went on between you in your marriage with continue to cause you the if's, why's and when moments, throughout your life. because your life is part of you.
all you can do is grow from your experiences.
you wil move on and in the future settle again and children?, and even then you wil talk about it. 
why, because your stil human and you have thoughts and feelings.
your anger wil subside. but you have to let your emotions do the rollercoaster ride first. you wil later on get to a point of feeling fresh and alive again - something you have not felt for a while. 
you wil grow with your experiences behind you, because they are then your past.
as for the bitter old maid - your just angry and hurting. 
i stil dont have answers from my ex and not that i want them, but it niggles now and again in that little brain space of mine
"WHY?" and thats from 14.5 yrs ago


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hey Twain,

I guess I chose the title because I've just pictured myself being old and alone and still angry with the ex. I hope this rollercoaster will eventually subside. Just feels like some days I won't be able to ever move on with life. Then I move to hoping one day he will feel the pain and anguish I've had to endure because of the breakup. He did initiate everything. But I guess in the long run I'm better off. Deep down I know that. Sigh, one day a new prince will come. Until then I guess I just have to do my homework and get an emotional divorce too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rage, hatred, anger, all are my number one coping mechanism, too. 

I dont think there's anything wrong with the way you are feeling. I think it gives you a sense of validation that you are worth more then the way you were treated, and that you shouldnt tolerate someone who cant even show some decency. 

I think you'll cycle in and out of it and eventually move out of it. Im sure you dont want him to really get the final say by ruining any good day you might have. He's just a jerk. He has nothing to do with you anymore. If you can know that and move on, you'll have a good life. He'll still be a jerk, but at least it wont be your problem anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, on behalf of all the men in the universe, let me just say you are perfect already 



1nurse said:


> Until then I guess I just have to do my homework and get an emotional divorce too.


What other people think about you is not relevant. It's what you feel about yourself that affects your life.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Thanks for the compliment Twain. You made my day Yeah, when I do meet Mr.Right I think I need to be emotionally healthy and ready to make it work with someone who deserves it again. The problem is not to be a divorce flameout and constantly curse out the ex or not trust men for the rest of my life. Although I never in a million years thought he would ever leave me or treat me like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoes. I know there are a lot of wonderful men out there but where? All I hear from my single friends are they are either married or gay? HAHA When I'm ready to start dating which won't be for at least a year or when it feels right I'll visit the dating scene chatroom here. I think the rollercoaster will last for a while yet. It's only been four months since the split.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

1nurse said:


> Thanks for the compliment Twain. You made my day Yeah, when I do meet Mr.Right I think I need to be emotionally healthy and ready to make it work with someone who deserves it again. The problem is not to be a divorce flameout and constantly curse out the ex or not trust men for the rest of my life. Although I never in a million years thought he would ever leave me or treat me like something he scraped off the bottom of his shoes. I know there are a lot of wonderful men out there but where? All I hear from my single friends are they are either married or gay? HAHA When I'm ready to start dating which won't be for at least a year or when it feels right I'll visit the dating scene chatroom here. I think the rollercoaster will last for a while yet. It's only been four months since the split.


Well 1nurse you sound just like me with the exception of gender  my wife has done the same thing to me as your husband to you.. You wonder where all the bitterness and hatred they spew at you comes from.... I have heard more hurtfull and hatfeull words come from someone that supposedly loved me at one time than from anyone who has ever disliked me... I wish you the best in your life... I know we deserve to feel love again... maybe not anytime soon but hopefully we both will someday......

Keep working on yourself and releasing the anger and bitterness that you feel.... something I have yet to feel towards my stbxw but maybe oneday... Keep strong your head high and know that there are better days ahead for you.....


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hi Skinman,

I have read in previous posts the hell you went through with your ex. I know it just doesn't happen to women there are men who have been burned as well. I guess I've learned through therapy that people who are generally unhappy with themselves see others or their marriage as the problem only to discover that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Wonder how long that takes.:scratchhead: Oh well probably won't ever hear any omission of wrong doing from him. And if I do I won't give a damn. I just hope if I do run into a wonderful guy I'd like to share my life with he isn't thinking I will turn into a ***** from hell. To all the burned guys out there we're looking for a good, nice guy. Keep being the sweethearts you are. Eventually you'll find Ms. Right again and vice versa.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

1nurse said:


> Hi Skinman,
> 
> I have read in previous posts the hell you went through with your ex. I know it just doesn't happen to women there are men who have been burned as well. I guess I've learned through therapy that people who are generally unhappy with themselves see others or their marriage as the problem only to discover that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Wonder how long that takes.:scratchhead: Oh well probably won't ever hear any omission of wrong doing from him. And if I do I won't give a damn. I just hope if I do run into a wonderful guy I'd like to share my life with he isn't thinking I will turn into a ***** from hell. To all the burned guys out there we're looking for a good, nice guy. Keep being the sweethearts you are. Eventually you'll find Ms. Right again and vice versa.


Well thanks 1nurse..

I am still going through the hell that you speak of and its only been a little over 3 months that we have been separated... My stbxw takes every opportunity she can get to belittle me , humiliate me and tell me how much she hates me... all of this coming from someone whom I have loved for over 15 years and known for close to 25....Like yourself I dont ever count on hearing any apology or admission that they had a part in the downfall of our marriage.... All I have heard is that it was me that drove her into another mans arms... If I hadnt spent so much time taking care of my family taking my girls wherever they needed to go or working on keeping our yard and house nice so that she would be proud to have people over I wouldn't be in this position... Her words exactly...... like you I hope oneday to find someone else to love and be loved by but at almost 44 I can see myself being alone and hopefully learning to love my single life.

I kind of envy your situation as you didnt have children... sadly in mine I will have at least 5 more years of seeing her and dealing with her BS.... hopefully both of us will look back one day and thank our ex's for seting us free to find the love we deserve..... you have a good outlook 1nurse... I wish I could be as postivie as you seem to be....... best wishes and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.......

Skin..


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

Hello:

Yes, the anger does finally subside. I had found myself daily saying (to myself) I hate you, you're a piece of sh**. I was so angry at him for moving out, cheating on me, not talking to me, etc. etc. etc. The anger was replaced with sadness. How could you have done this to me and our family? Now, I still get mad at times, still feel sad, but I'm starting to think about my future - what I want to do with my life. He made his choice - to leave and live with a biker chick - so I'm trying to think about moving forward. Our dissolution hearing is March 30. He left September 12 and did not waste any time contacting an attorney to be rid of me after 30 years of marriage, 3 children, 2 grandchildren - so he could be with the love of his life - a woman he has now known for 7 whole months. The pain is still here, but something is starting to ease up and feel a little different. Maybe the same will happen to you. Good luck!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hey skin man,

I honestly don't know how people who share children can see each other for regular hand offs. I hate getting text messages from the ex every so often. Just when I think great moving on, the phone beeps and it's the jerk telling me he's sending my mail to me, etc.. I have been ignoring the messages but a few days ago couldn't take it anymore and told him to stop texting and to just send any communication by e-mail. We both did not have any desire to have kids. And yes, I have been told by many people you have NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE! I'm thinking great I'm lucky my husband and partner of 16 years left me, but now I know what they mean. It's much easier not to see him, talk to him and to cut off basically all contact. Clean break, have a nice life. The icing on the cake is he moved 4.5 hours away too. Won't even run into the jerk when I'm out and about.  

I also attribute my positive mental attitude to psycotherapy, good family and friends. My therapist recommended a great book called "Crazy Time, surviving divorce and building a new life." Author is Abigail Trafford. She interviewed 1000 couples and put the book together. I have read it twice. It might really help you. As far as your wife's comment about driving her into another man's arms is B.S. She is projecting her negative feelings and actions onto you. The skank my ex left for was quite a manipulator too. Saw that when I met her in person. It took me about 2 minutes to see she was after my husband. How pathetic. It won't last with your ex and this new guy or my ex and this woman. One day when you're ready to move on you'll thank god she left you. Already have days like that when I think "wow I should have left him. The stress is gone and I can do my own thing. The hell with him." I think what I do miss are the hugs, cuddling and yes the sex. We had a pretty good sex life actually right up to the end. 

Hi Now What,

I remember reading about your ex too. I was shocked he'd do that to you after all those years. Again, your better off as well. One day we all realize it but I guess you get comfortable with someone. I know life alone seemed scary at first. I cried the first night in my new place. I never lived alone until the split. It's been a couple of months and for the most part I've liked living alone. My therapist says it's something everyone should do at some point in their lives. Mentally and emotionally it's healthy for us.  I have a strong feeling your ex will regret what he lost with you and his family. Just keep moving on and hold your head high. I have no regrets how I handled my split. I went above and beyond to save my marriage but the ex didn't care. He made up his mind before he even asked for the divorce. I'll bet $100 bucks that ***** he's with knew about it before I did. I guess if we sat and tried to figure out irrational people we'd all go insane. The bottom line is unless your spouse comes to you and says "honey I'm not happy can we work on things or this has to change or I'm leaving." These out of the blue "I don't love you I'm outta here", excuses are the result of someone who's not happy with THEMSELVES and projects this onto their spouse using that as an excuse to end marriages. Until these ding dongs figure out the source of their own misery they will just keep jumping from green pasture, to pasture constantly blaming other people for their own misfortune. Have a great day.


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## now_what (Sep 17, 2008)

I like your attitude!! I too, don't really mind living - well not alone - but with only my 15 year old daughter, because it proves to me that I can handle everything for myself and my daughter (with some help from family - but I've always had that). I don't NEED my husband to survive - and I don't have to worry about all the goofy, annoying things he used to do. Yes, I wish he hadn't had the mother of all mid-life crises and taken off with some biker chick. I wish he was here with me and our daughter trying to work on our marriage. But the reality of it is that he made his decision to "follow a new path" with his life and I will have to do the same for myself. In a way it is liberating - I have been with him since I was 16 years old - I feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. I still feel sad at times though, this really didn't have to happen. I feel bad that my daughter has to finish growing up without her dad in the house - she is handling it well though. As far as custody goes we pretty much have an open arrangement (mostly because of her age). She will always live with me and will see her dad according to their own plans. She will be with me on all holidays - because he didn't want to keep her away from her traditional family holidays - which is good. I would feel very bad if she was the only one missing. Just because he wanted a change, I didn't feel that things should change for her too much (other than him being out of the house of course). If this had to happen, I am glad that she is older and our other children are grown, so we don't have to do the back and forth thing.


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