# What should I do about this...



## MoonLove (Apr 4, 2019)

Hi all,

I could really use some advice, opinions, some support and wisdom maybe from both gender views. I'm writing this in a confused, sad, I don't know how to describe sort of state, all I know Is that I'm not feeling well. Here's the issue..

I'm concerned about a conversation I had with the girl I have been seeing lately, about a bit over 1 month, so I am coming here for feedback. 
We aren't still dating as I see this as a period of getting to know each-other and I quite like her and how she is, so I wanted to make this work and be stable, not a relationship that is jumped in right away.

Anyways, we spend time together going out, recently watched a movie together and casually meet up and play videogames together too. (we haven't done anything sexual yet.)
So, yesterday she said because she feels close to me she told me something, something she only had said to her best friend too for ask her for advice as well, and it was about a guy (her best friend also advice her that he was a piece of *, if you know what I mean, and was no good.

This guy, only a dude interested for sex, which by her words, she didn't do anything with him nor dated him, but the issue is she did this meanwhile getting to know me and I feel hurt by this, it also triggers some trust issues in me, which I know it is my own problem and I'm trying to cope with.

I told her what I thought of him as she asked my opinion the same way she asked her best friend about it, so I told her how I agreed with and he was a scumbag. 
I did not enjoy this one bit. Told her it felt like I was treated as an option, and that I felt betrayed too. (I know me and her were not dating but feels like a lack of respect and loyalty..)
She said she only hanged out with him for some days, and that if she was dating she is loyal.
She told me many guys try to date her but she doesn't like them and 99% of the times turns them down.

She told me as well that it was a rushed feeling and she was sorry, that she still is learning.
That she didn't like him but liked the feeling, this dude was a best friend for a long time ago that she stopped talking to and recently met up again. Although sorry, she said she did not see this as a betrayal, I ended up shrugging this away and move on about it.

We also talked about how we were developing feelings for each-other.
That she seen our situation more clearly now and would not do this again, but I'm still feeling unwell about it.

I'm not sure of what should I actually do, forget about this and keep being and becoming close with her?, distance myself and break this off? Will she really be loyal once she is my girlfriend? All of this is fogging my mind, making me wonder now every-time she takes long to reply to me.. what she's doing? thanks to this situation and my feelings for her, I'm not being able to see well what should I do...

It's not often I fall in love with someone and trusted her so this is hurtful, every each time I'm losing hope in people being actually loyal and honest..

I'm 23 and she is 24.
Please advise and thank you in advance...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s telling you to either **** or get off the pot.
She has other options and she’s not going to wait forever for you to decide if you want to date her or not.
Four years ago you were here talking about someone else who you were crushing on but were afraid to make a move.
Is this how you want to spend your life?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

In the beginning of a relationship, most reasonable people strive to put their best foot forward.
This situation is sketchy at best.
Before you invest anything in this relationship, I would at best hold her in the friendzone until she can demonstrate that her motives are honorable.
If I were you, I would return her to the pond and let her go. Plenty of honorable people out there looking for someone.
Best of luck.


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

It's not official until it's official. 
Set your ground rules and expectations. 
If she agrees then it's official. 
If she doesn't, move on. Don't pout.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.
Never do the "pick me" dance.

She's 24 so more than likely she's talking to cats older than you.
Up your game. For your sake, not for hers.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You come off very inexperienced in your post. 
First off you can't be "in love" with her in such short time and the limited dating you two have done. You have no commitment to each other and have not done anything sexual. She is free to date who she wants, and so are you, it's just dating until it's a relationship.

Here's the thing though...I don't think you have the emotional maturity to keep seeing her since you are so upset that she dated someone else at the same time. I think you will worry yourself to death over it and it will be a constant threat to your security.

My vote is you break it off with her. Find a new girl, tell her upfront you will only date one person at a time and that's what you expect from her as well. Then at least you are starting on the same page.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Charge this one to the game my friend. You knew her for over a month and she hasn't initiated sex, that means she is not attracted to you. You want a "hell yes" kind of woman.

Put down that video game controller and pick up some weights. When the biceps are poppin the panties will be droppin.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

MoonLove said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I could really use some advice, opinions, some support and wisdom maybe from both gender views. I'm writing this in a confused, sad, I don't know how to describe sort of state, all I know Is that I'm not feeling well. Here's the issue..
> 
> ...


So you two aren't dating. You haven't tried anything but you expect her to wait around and hope you decide you might want to maybe be her boyfriend when you get done playing your games.

Have you ever flat out asked her on a date? Or just come hang?
Have you ever asked her what she'd like to do or I'm playing games you want to come over?
Have you ever stated you want to be in an exclusive relationship?
Have you ever called her your girlfriend?
Have you done ANYTHING out loud that indicates you are doing more than just putzing around and hoping for her to make the first move or declare her feelings first?

If you haven't even asked her on a proper date then how is she supposed to distinguish you from any other 'friend'?

Many people date more than one person until the 'exclusive' talk is had. Some even date more than one with sex involved so again how is this betraying you unless you two have had a real conversation and were supposed to 'be together'


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you two aren't dating. You haven't tried anything but you expect her to wait around and hope you decide you might want to maybe be her boyfriend when you get done playing your games.
> 
> Have you ever flat out asked her on a date? Or just come hang?
> Have you ever asked her what she'd like to do or I'm playing games you want to come over?
> ...


Right! Covert contracts all up in this guys head. She's out talking to other dudes and she is the ONLY chick even on his mind. Only chick in his world. Meanwhile she's confused, she's thinking man I thought this dude liked me but he ain't even tried nothing.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Your feelings about her are spot on. Think about it. Here you are investing your time and energy into her while she is still keeping her options open and seeing other guys. You might have some people give you crap about how you feel, her included, but stand by it. You're an option to her. This is just one guy she mentioned to you, there are likely others.

One mistake I made in dating when I was a younger man is that I would just find some girl I liked and try to make things work with her. I get the feeling that's kinda what you're doing here. While you want a girl that will prioritize you over others the way you are doing her, you still like her so you are thinking about giving up on your standards to make things work with her. Am I right? Personally, I think that is a mistake. Make some standards for the ladies you date and stick to them. If some girl falls short, then either stop wasting time with her or don't expect much from her other than just a fun friend. She's just an option as well. 

Another thing to keep in mind though. You really are dragging your feet, man. 1 month into dating and you have never had sex or anything? You just hang out and play video games? You are kinda sending a poor message out there. You need to make a move with women or kinda accept that many of them will lose interest rather quickly and end up sleeping with some other guy who was a bit more bold in his approach.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> Put down that video game controller and pick up some weights. When the biceps are poppin the panties will be droppin.


Best advice on the site.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's break this down to the basics. 

Women have girlfriends and boyfriends. 

With girlfriends they go and do nonsexual things like going to movies and miniture golf and to farmer's markets and such. They talk to their girlfriends and discuss their feelings and their problems and talk to their girlfriends about the guys they have the hots for but have trouble with, so they ask their girlfriends for advice and ask them what they should do etc. 

They have sex with boyfriends. 

So, you need to ask yourself which camp you seem to be falling into.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> Put down that video game controller and pick up some weights. When the biceps are poppin the panties will be droppin.



Do d' curlz for d' girlz.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it's great that you are taking things slowly and not rushing and jumping into bed with a girl you have only known a month. However, it's time to date her properly now I would say.
That doesn't mean that either of you have to jump into bed, you can take as long as you want with that, but agree that neither of you will date or see anyone else. 
Then see how things go. If she still sees other guys you have your answer. If she can't be faithful when dating then she won't be faithful when married.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You can always come here and state your beef about some gal.

If you want certified beef, kosher, or halal, you'd be better throwing in the towel.

You do the certifying, it takes about a year for the beef (about ladies) to cure themselves.

When you find yourself, being perfect, then go out looking for your perfect match.

Dating is dancing, learn the steps.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think sex is being overused in this thread. You can date someone without sex. It is obvious that the OP doesn't have a lot of experience. And not all girls have sex right away.

But he is expecting a beyond friend relationship with someone he is only treating like a friend.

So unless he has said out loud. I like you and I think we should be in an exclusive boyfriend / girlfriend relationship then he has not right to be mad.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MoonLove said:


> I'm concerned about a conversation I had with the girl I have been seeing lately, about a bit over 1 month,
> 
> Anyways, we spend time together going out, recently watched a movie together and casually meet up and play videogames together too. (we haven't done anything sexual yet.)
> 
> ...


OK a little dose of reality here with some tough love. 

You are calling this guy a jerk and bad news etc and that he wants sex. 

The reality here is she is attracted to him and thinks he's a hunk, but he has been upfront that he wants to have a sexual relationship with her but her dilema is he also likely was upfront and honest that he did not want a serious, exclusive relationship with her. That is why she is crying on your shoulder. 

Ok so here's the thing - it is actually YOU that is being the jerk and YOU that are being disingenuous and a slimy worm. 

He has been upfront and honest. He has been an authentic man. 

You on the other hand are being manipulative and playing games. 

Unless you are an actual homosexual, you want to have sex with her. You want to date her and bang her and have relationship with her, am I right???

So why are you pretending to be gay?? Why are you pretending to be one of her girlfriends??

Are you trying to get into her pants by pretending to not want to get into her pants?? Are you thinking that if you pretend to be her gay best friend long enough that she will fall in love you and ride you like a stolen horse?? 

Yes you are, stop trying to BS me but more importantly, stop trying to BS yourself. 

If you are wanting to have a sexual relationship with her like any heterosexual man would, then stop pretending to be her gay buddy. 

It's ok to take things slow if you need time to determine if she is the right match for you. And it's appropriate to not pressure her or do what she does not want to do. 

But what's not ok is to pretend to be something you are not. And it's not OK to try to manipulate and slime your way into her pants by pretending to not want to get in her pants. 

You are being deceptive, manipulative and underhanded here. STOP THAT! 

Be a man and be upfront on what you want to do, where you want to go and what you want her role to be in your life. If you want her to go to movies with you and play video games with you, that is fine, tell her that. But if you also want the two of you to work up a sweat with her legs over your shoulders, be upfront and tell her that as well (you don't have to use that exact verbiage if that is not your style) 

Her option is either to enter into your world or not to - her choice. 

But she can't make an informed decision on what she is willing to do if you are presenting yourself and presenting your objectives as something that is not true.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I think it's great that you are taking things slowly and not rushing and jumping into bed with a girl you have only known a month. However, it's time to date her properly now I would say.
> That doesn't mean that either of you have to jump into bed, you can take as long as you want with that, but agree that neither of you will date or see anyone else.
> Then see how things go. If she still sees other guys you have your answer. *If she can't be faithful when dating* then she won't be faithful when married.


I would word it, as...

If, she can't be_ patient _when dating.
Dating is dating, especially in today's world.

Yes, you and I agree, one man at a time.
Many are not this way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> OK a little dose of reality here with some tough love.
> 
> You are calling this guy a jerk and bad news etc and that he wants sex.
> 
> ...


Wow.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dating can be that varied, wine tasting, sometimes whine listening.

She whined, you whiffed, struck out.

Tell her you like her and have no interest in talking about other men.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A lot of women respect a man who is different and doesn't expect sex after a few dates. However talk to her about dating her properly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Wow.


Actually you and I said the same things.

I just said it in Manspeak.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Actually you and I said the same things.
> 
> I just said it in Manspeak.



A lot of us can identify with this guy that's why it sounds harsh, it's just truth. He keeps looking at her words and not the actions.

When I was in high school I had the same confusion about why do the girls complain about jerks and say they want a nice guy but.........they keep dating the jerks. I was being the gentleman, being nice (covert contract) and all that but it was the "jerks" who were getting the girls naked. It was one of my first experiences of doing all the "right" stuff but getting the wrong results. This guy is 23, he needs to get this sorted out otherwise he is going to be an easy target for some beta bucks action.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> A lot of us can identify with this guy that's why it sounds harsh, it's just truth. He keeps looking at her words and not the actions.
> 
> When I was in high school I had the same confusion about why do the girls complain about jerks and say they want a nice guy but.........they keep dating the jerks. I was being the gentleman, being nice (covert contract) and all that but it was the "jerks" who were getting the girls naked. It was one of my first experiences of doing all the "right" stuff but getting the wrong results. This guy is 23, he needs to get this sorted out otherwise he is going to be an easy target for some beta bucks action.



Yup.

I’m doing what I wish an older and more experienced man had told me in my younger days. 

He’ll fight it and keep trying to worm his way into pants for awhile until he gets tired of ending up wiping tears off of chick’s faces that other guys are hooking up with and finally comes to the realization we are right.

Then hopefully in 20 years he will pass down his wisdom and experience to a young, naive guy that hasn’t seen the light yet.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of women respect a man who is different and doesn't expect sex after a few dates. However talk to her about dating her properly.


Diana and I are saying the same thing although she may not realize it immediately because we are speaking in different tongues.

But she is right, a woman does respect a man that owns and embraces and states his principles and values. 

But the key is you have to be honest and congruent about it. 

If you truly do want to take your time to get to know a woman and develop a rapport with her before becoming sexual, that is fine, own it and state your objectives.

But you can’t pretend to be a girlfriend in hopes of becoming a boyfriend. 

When Diana says to talk to her about dating her properly, that is girlspeak.

The translation of that in manspeak is own your intentions and express and communicate them with her and be upfront on what you want her place and her role in your life to be. 

That principle applies to everything from a one night hook up in a bar to life together as husband and wife and family. 

Own your intentions and express them to her. She will either enter into your frame or she won’t depending on her own values and ethics and mores etc. 

Where women don’t respect you and promptly lose any attraction to you is you trying to portray yourself as something you’re not and trying to covertly trying to get her to like you by trying be a girlfriend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Actually you and I said the same things.
> 
> I just said it in Manspeak.


Did we?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MoonLove said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I could really use some advice, opinions, some support and wisdom maybe from both gender views. I'm writing this in a confused, sad, I don't know how to describe sort of state, all I know Is that I'm not feeling well. Here's the issue..
> 
> ...


I like the old school method of dating. Then again I actively dated in my late teens and early 20's, which was over 50 years ago.

First of all look up the term "friend zone." If you want to be in a girl's friend zone, then you are moving in the right direction. Remember she told you she turns down dates with 99% of the guys who express interest in her. SHE SAID 99%. Think about that for a few minutes. Are you "friend zone" material or boyfriend material? You seem to want to be boyfriend material, when you talk about being in love.

If you want to get to know her as her "potential boyfriend" then tell her you like her, ....a lot, and that you would like to go on dates with her. Don't tell her you are looking to settle down or that you want to be in an exclusive or serious relationship, that will likely scare her off. You probably already have raised red flags toward scaring her off by saying you felt betrayed and just an option.

There are far too many stories of "nice guy's" who befriend or white knight women and ultimately end up marrying them only to find out that there is little sexual compatibility or chemistry between them and their new wife. Don't make that mistake. 

After a couple dates, if there is a mutual connection, then there should be kissing and light petting. A few more dates and things should become heavy petting, mutual orgasms, maybe even oral sex with discussions on exclusive dating and appropriate methods of birth control. If she is into you, you should find out rather quickly, without wasting months being a friend. 

After all, life is short and she turns down dates with 99% of the boys she meets. You sound like you don't want to be one of those 99%, but only she and you can figure that out. If you don't push out of the friend-zone, then you will probably waste a lot of time on her. 

Based on her age (24), a lot of women at that age want to finish their college education, start careers, travel independently, or do some exploring before they settle down. No matter how good a person you are and how she feels about you, she may sabotage any potential relationship, as in her mind she isn't ready for a serious relationship. Her 99% comment may be her "gentle" way of telling you she isn't really available for any kind of relationship at this point. If that is the case, date some other women, keep her as a friend, if you want to. See if she becomes jealous, but seriously explore other women and work on yourself and your dating skills and especially your dating confidence.

Good luck. The point of dating is to learn how to react to members of the opposite sex, find a woman you respect, like, trust, sexually desire and who sexually desires you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don’t see where she’s done anything wrong? She’s known him for a month, they’ve been on a few dates, he’s not committed to her in any way, she’s single why shouldn’t she accept a date from another guy?

If she were my daughter and she asked me what to do, I’d say accept the date. If she was in a relationship with someone and accepted a date from someone else I’d say “shame on you”.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Understandable at that age... you have a crush on a girl, you see her but you are not together so she is fooling around with other boys. You are on two different levels and at two different stages of your relationship so you are going to be hurt. In my prehistoric times you only started "seeing" a girl because you were attracted to her and you could tell she was attracted to you. It's different now. People tend to try so many different options. It's good in a way, but also very confusing and you can get hurt. What to do? If you think you are too vulnerable, have a proper chat and ask her to be your girlfriend.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Gather up some nuts and tell her you are interested..... otherwise you are only good for purse shopping. You put yourself in the friend zone. She hasn’t done anything wrong. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeve and man up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Understandable at that age... you have a crush on a girl, you see her but you are not together so she is fooling around with other boys. You are on two different levels and at two different stages of your relationship so you are going to be hurt. In my prehistoric times you only started "seeing" a girl because you were attracted to her and you could tell she was attracted to you. It's different now. People tend to try so many different options. It's good in a way, but also very confusing and you can get hurt. What to do? If you think you are too vulnerable, have a proper chat and ask her to be your girlfriend.


To be fair its not that young. I was married with my own home and 2 children at that age. Kids these days do seem far more immature though.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> To be fair its not that young. I was married with my own home and 2 children at that age. Kids these days do seem far more immature though.


I think 23 is young. Maybe you are the exception, more than the rule. I had no clue at 23...  How old was your husband when you were 23?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She is asking you for advice on another guy. You've already been friend-zoned. Here is a clue to understanding girls: they don't need more friends. You state you're not even dating - you're just hanging out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You haven’t really progressed much since your very similar thread from 2019.

You need to step it up and do the work and put yourself out there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I think 23 is young. Maybe you are the exception, more than the rule. I had no clue at 23...  How old was your husband when you were 23?


We married when I was 19 and he was 23. It was very common then to leave home early and marry young. My 2 best friends at the time both married at age 19.
Both still married 45 years later.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MoonLove said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I could really use some advice, opinions, some support and wisdom maybe from both gender views. I'm writing this in a confused, sad, I don't know how to describe sort of state, all I know Is that I'm not feeling well. Here's the issue..
> 
> ...


I was expecting you to be even younger than 23 based on your post. You seem to be very inexperienced and immature, but that is okay. We've all been there. 

It seems you had not really expressed that you are interested in her romantically, so you have no valid reason to feel hurt. Talking to you like a BFF about another guy to me means you are in her friend-zone. If you don't do something about it quickly you will never be more than an "orbiter" to her. You don't have to rush into sex, but if you really think you have feelings for her you need to make it known. From the sound of it you haven't even formally asked her on a date. What are you waiting for?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> We married when I was 19 and he was 23. It was very common then to leave home early and marry young. My 2 best friends at the time both married at age 19.
> Both still married 45 years later.


I could never ever have married at 19 and at 23 I was still at uni... finding a girlfriend at 22 was bad enough...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I could never ever have married at 19 and at 23 I was still at uni... finding a girlfriend at 22 was bad enough...


It seemed normal. Most people married much younger then, few people lived together first. It was rare for anyone not to married and to have had children by their late 20's.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I could never ever have married at 19 and at 23 I was still at uni... finding a girlfriend at 22 was bad enough...


Dating as a 19 or 22yr old guy is a very different experience than being a woman at that age.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I could never ever have married at 19 and at 23 I was still at uni... finding a girlfriend at 22 was bad enough...


But were you able to talk to people and interrelate with them on a personal level at 23.

A 23 year old may not be financially independent enough to be purchasing houses or getting married and raising a family - but a 23 year old should have the social and interpersonal skills to relate to a member of the opposite sex on a personal level and ask a lady he is interested in on a proper date.

I understand some guys are less experienced and confident than others. But I can’t help but wonder if the OP is either from a very conservative and controlling culture that has practiced some form of arranged marriage in the past and is now living in the west where he is kind of clueless on how to talk to girls and ask them out etc, Or whether he may be on the spectrum to one degree or another. 

Between this thread and his previous thread from a couple years ago, I would expect this line of questioning from a shy 16 or 17 year old.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> It seemed normal. Most people married much younger then, few people lived together first. It was rare for anyone not to married and to have had children by their late 20's.


yes, I know...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> But were you able to talk to people and interrelate with them on a personal level at 23.


yes...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Al_Bundy said:


> Dating as a 19 or 22yr old guy is a very different experience than being a woman at that age.


I'm not sure I get this...


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sure I get this...


Typically as guys we don't have a lot going for us at that age. Meanwhile, everyone is looking for a 22yr old woman.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sure I get this...


In previous generations it was very common for young women to be married by their early 20s (in days of yore, even in their teens) 

But they were typically marrying men that were several or more years older. 

It takes men a number more years to develop their careers and have the income and financial stability to marry or often times to even be able to attract a suitable mate.


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## lund (Sep 16, 2021)

If she's asking you about relationships with other guys, you've already been friendzoned. There's maybe an outside chance her telling you about the other guy was a last-chance test to see whether you were going to try to be in a relationship with her or cement your friend-only status. My advice is to either to openly ask her out, on an actual official date, etc (she will likely reject you, but at least you'll have a final answer and can move on), or to cut your losses and look for a relationship with someone else. Don't continue to do what hasn't worked. Also, after a month, you're not in love - you're infatuated, and nothing wrong with that, but it's not the same.
You say the other guy is a scumbag, but he's not deceiving anyone, he's entirely open about his goals by the sound of it - he may be frivolous, but he's not a liar.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MoonLove said:


> Told her it felt like I was treated as an option, and that I felt betrayed too


You are right to feel that way. You ARE an option and you ARE being betrayed. Funny, I just posted something similar about being back in the day and having to dump a girl who multi-dated me.

IMO and my advice, NEVER stay with anyone that is dating others or even thinking about it. She obviously isn't giving you the same consideration and respect as you are giving her.

Time to move on and find a better girl.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You on the other hand are being manipulative and playing games.


Really?? How so?



> So why are you pretending to be gay?? Why are you pretending to be one of her girlfriends??


Where in the actual f*** are you coming up with this?



> If you are wanting to have a sexual relationship with her like any heterosexual man would, then stop pretending to be her gay buddy.


Maybe some REAL men actually respect the women they are with and don't want to rush things and its more than a f*** for them.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Dating can be that varied, wine tasting, sometimes whine listening.
> 
> She whined, you whiffed, struck out.
> 
> Tell her you like her and have no interest in talking about other men.


Or better yet, tell her that if she wants to consider other men while trying to build something with him that she can just go get used by the other guy and he is no longer interested in her.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> I don’t see where she’s done anything wrong? She’s known him for a month, they’ve been on a few dates, he’s not committed to her in any way, she’s single why shouldn’t she accept a date from another guy?
> 
> if she were my daughter and she asked me what to do, I’d say accept the date. I’d she was in a relationship with someone and accepted a date from someone else I’d say “shame on you”.


That's an alright attitude to have, as long as one is willing to lose a great potential partner. IMO, multi-dating is selfish, and I never put up with it. I'm not going to put up with the disrespect of her expecting me to fight for her affections. I'm not to be used like that.

It happened to me, I ended the relationship. She said it wasn't fair and that she really wanted something between us. I told her what isn't fair is me working on a relationship with her while she was off boning other guys and that I wished her well with those other guys, who obviously wanted her for one thing. 

To me, multi-daters are selfish, and its really a good litmus as to whether or not someone decent would want to continue with them once they find out.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Diana and I are saying the same thing although she may not realize it immediately because we are speaking in different tongues.
> 
> But she is right, a woman does respect a man that owns and embraces and states his principles and values.


That's not what she said.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Really?? How so?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This can all be summed up that he is being disingenuous and not being honest with her.

He obviously wants to date her and wants to be BF/GF but he is portraying himself as a video game buddy.

He is portray himself as a platonic friend but is actually hoping for an actual relationship.

That is not actually respectful. It’s dishonest, it’s manipulative and he is now upset and angry with her because she isn’t going along with his fantasy that she was not even aware of. 

That is what is known as a covert contract because he is portraying himself as one thing (platonic buddy) where as he’s secretly hoping she will fall for him and jump his bones, and he getting angry with her because she isn’t going along with his secret wishes that she is unaware of.

That is actually disrespectful and **** on his part. 

He’s playing the “Nice Guy” victim, but it’s actually not nice at all.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This can all be summed up that he is being disingenuous and not being honest with her.
> 
> He obviously wants to date her and wants to be BF/GF but he is portraying himself as a video game buddy.



Did it ever occur to you thats exactly what he is? He sounds alot like me. In my younger days, I wanted to be with a girl, I dated her, and I wanted it to go somewhere. I wasn't going to disrespect her by trying to get in her pants right away like she was some kind of *****. I wanted her to know I liked her for her, not for the sex should could give me.

Sorry, but you sound like a real womanizing jackass and the reason even good men get a bad rap.



> He is portray himself as a platonic friend but is actually hoping for an actual relationship.


Nope, thats not what he said. He said he had been seeing her for over a month. He said he didn't see it so much as dating because he wanted to get to know her.



> That is not actually respectful. It’s dishonest, it’s manipulative and he is now upset and angry with her because she isn’t going along with his fantasy that she was not even aware of.



Based on the fact this guy likes her and wants to do this the right way and not treat her like a ****, that is the dumbest thing I've read from a man on this forum yet.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

well @MoonLove hasn't answered even a basic question as to what he has said or done to indicate to the girl that he wanted to date or be exclusive means we are all speculating.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Maybe some REAL men actually respect the women they are with and don't want to rush things and its more than a f*** for them.


Let me expand upon this a little further.

A REAL MAN that was actually being respectful and giving her true autonomy and free choice would be upfront with her that he was interested in seeing her and asking her out on proper dates and would be open and honest with her in regards to potential romance/sexuality. 

That is not synonymous with pressuring anyone for sex or trying to do something they don’t want to do. 

If his values and mores are such that he does not want to rush into sex or wants to get to know each other better over time and develop a relationship prior to sex etc, that’s fine and dandy if his words and actions are congruent and she is given the opportunity to make an informed choice on whether she wants to proceed with that or not. 

It’s also fair and in reality respectful to say that you are just interested in a hook up or FWB or whatever if that is the case, as long as you are upfront and honest about it and allow her free choice to make an informed decision on if she wants to proceed with that or not. 

What is disrespectful is to portray yourself as one way, but you are secretly hoping for something different and then being angry and disgusted at her because she didn’t go along with his secret plan that she knew nothing about. 

Sex in and of itself is not disrespectful. Wanting to have a hook up or FWB arrangement in and of itself is not disrespectful. 

What is disrespectful pretending to want one thing, but keeping it a secret that actually want something else and then lashing out when the other person doesn’t fall for your scheme. 

Read what I wrote here again or until you thoroughly understand it because it’s important and it’s an important aspect of adult relations.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Did it ever occur to you thats exactly what he is? He sounds alot like me. In my younger days, I wanted to be with a girl, I dated her, and I wanted it to go somewhere. I wasn't going to disrespect her by trying to get in her pants right away like she was some kind of ***. I wanted her to know I liked her for her, not for the sex should could give me.
> 
> Sorry, but you sound like a real womanizing jackass and the reason even good men get a bad rap.
> 
> ...


If he just wants to be a platonic video game buddy and just wants to get to know her, then why is he upset and feeling “betrayed” (his term) and why is he angry with her????

If he just wanted to be a platonic video game buddy, then why would he be upset she was seeing other men??


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> What is disrespectful pretending to want one thing, but keeping it a secret that actually want something else and then lashing out when the other person doesn’t fall for your scheme.
> 
> Read what I wrote here again or until you thoroughly understand it because it’s important and it’s an important aspect of adult relations.


Don't need to read through it again. Its bulls***. You are assuming this guy is some jerk that wants her for sex. By experience and seeing what he's writing, he likes her for more than that and its not all about sex for him.

If it is for guys like you, then thats your problem. And its obvious from your male chauvinist POV that you haven't the first clue about how adults should relate.

Have a nice day.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If he just wants to be a platonic video game buddy and just wants to get to know her, then why is he upset and feeling “betrayed” (his term) and why is he angry with her????
> 
> If he just wanted to be a platonic video game buddy, then why would he be upset she was seeing other men??


Again, because he respects her and wants to do this right and not treat her like a piece of meat, something I'm sure you've done plenty of in your lifetime.

However, I'll digress, because if she is interested in the player who is only interested in sex, then she can have him and he can stop respecting her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Again, because he respects her and wants to do this right and not treat her like a piece of meat, something I'm sure you've done plenty of in your lifetime.
> 
> However, I'll digress, because if she is interested in the player who is only interested in sex, then she can have him and he can stop respecting her.


You’re trying to make an argument instead of trying to understand. Set aside your indignation for me and listen to what I am saying rather that what you think I am saying. 

This is not really about sex. It’s about communicating and being honest with another human being and expressing actual wants and intentions. 

He hasn’t done that. He his hidden his true wants and intentions from her and has avoided being honest with her about his feelings and hopes for their relationship and is now upset with her that she’s been in contact with some other guy. 

That’s why I’m saying he has been disingenuous and not fair to her. 

He’s judging her (and by extension so are you) by a criteria for which she did know she was to be judged. 

She thought he was just a friend because that is what he presented himself to be, but she is being treated like some kind of cheater or a ho or something because he thought their relationship was more than what he had presented it as.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Set aside your indignation for me and listen to what I am saying rather that what you think I am saying.


Thats rich coming from the guy that took another guy's story, one that obviously shows him really liking her and trying to do things right, but telling him he is a liar or he is playing games.

So no, I don't think I'll set aside my indignation here. You tried to malign this poster with a ridiculous assumption about his character, and it came from a place straight out of the player's playbook.

In any case, I'm done going back and forth with you.

@MoonLove don't let this guy tell you that you are something you're not. I read your story, I get exactly where you are coming from.

If you think this girl is worth pursuing, do so. But don't do so blindly.

If you think she is intrigued that a player and womanizer wants her, then she isn't worth you're time. Don't go after girls that are attracted to bad boys. They aren't relationship material in the long run.

Or the short run for that matter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@oldshirt & @drencrom 

Please stop the thread jack. If you have some input for the OP, address your posts directly to him.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> @oldshirt & @drencrom
> 
> Please stop the thread jack. If you have some input for the OP, address your posts directly to him.


You're right, my apologies. Figured I was trying to let @MoonLove know that I was not going to let his character be besmirched.

Anything further will include him in the convo.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

edited


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @oldshirt & @drencrom
> 
> Please stop the thread jack. If you have some input for the OP, address your posts directly to him.


I did address it directly with the OP and have not said anything that I did not say in my reply to him. and I continue to stand by my position unless the OP comes back with additional information showing I have misinterpreted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I did address it directly with the OP and have not said anything that I did not say in my reply to him. and I continue to stand by my position unless the OP comes back with additional information showing I have misinterpreted.


*Moderator Note:-* And it's advisable not to argue with a moderator who has made a statement about your posts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Note:-* And it's advisable not to argue with a moderator who has made a statement about your posts.


Not trying to argue and I’ll let it go. I was just pointing out that I had stated those things directly to the OP.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

drencrom said:


> That's an alright attitude to have, as long as one is willing to lose a great potential partner. IMO, multi-dating is selfish, and I never put up with it. I'm not going to put up with the disrespect of her expecting me to fight for her affections. I'm not to be used like that.
> 
> It happened to me, I ended the relationship. She said it wasn't fair and that she really wanted something between us. I told her what isn't fair is me working on a relationship with her while she was off boning other guys and that I wished her well with those other guys, who obviously wanted her for one thing.
> 
> To me, multi-daters are selfish, and its really a good litmus as to whether or not someone decent would want to continue with them once they find out.


There is a BIG difference between multi dating and sleeping with multiple people. The latter is not cool - not to mention dangerous.

The OP and the girl never discussed making anything exclusive, he should have made that clear to her that that's what he wanted. They'd only been on a few dates over a period of 4 weeks. It's not like they'd spent 6 months together all the time and he suddenly finds out she's dating others too.

I personally am not a fan of dating more than one person at a time, but that's me, because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean there's anything necessarily wrong with it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MoonLove said:


> Please advise and thank you in advance...


If this is how you approach trying to have sexual relationships with people, you are often going to be sorely disappointed. Since following all that you describe, it is extremely likely this woman doesn't even know you are particularly interested in her romantically, since your actions point towards platonic orbiter. As a consequence of you behaving like a platonic friend, instead of someone who wants to get into her pants either for the short or long haul. She is left with trying to find a man who is demonstrably interested in being with her sexually.

One thing for sure though, she has made it clear she isn't dating you. So there is absolutely no disloyalty from her, since she owes you none.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Personal said:


> If this is how you approach trying to have sexual relationships with people, you are often going to be sorely disappointed. Since following all that you describe, it is extremely likely this woman doesn't even know you are particularly interested in her romantically, since your actions point towards platonic orbiter. As a consequence of you behaving like a platonic friend, instead of someone who wants to get into her pants either for the short or long haul. She is left with trying to find a man who is demonstrably interested in being with her sexually.
> 
> One thing for sure though, she has made it clear she isn't dating you. So there is absolutely no disloyalty from her, since she owes you none.


Yes. 

She is interested in the guy that has made his intentions known. 

She is NOT interested in the guy (OP) that has NOT made his intentions known. 

Specifically in this case, 

She wants to bang the guy that wants to bang her. 

She wants to play video games with the guy who invited her to play video games. 

There should be no ill feelings from the OP re this consequence; if he wants the dynamic to change, the Pong pixel is in his court.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> There is a BIG difference between multi dating and sleeping with multiple people. The latter is not cool - not to mention dangerous.


I don't think either one is cool provided the person who is multi-dating someone behind their back is spending alot of time with that person and knows its going somewhere or is there.



> The OP and the girl never discussed making anything exclusive, he should have made that clear to her that that's what he wanted.


In this situation I can agree as it doesn't seem like they spend several days a week together and maybe gone out like what, twice in a month?

But if they spend almost every day together and its obvious that between them something is there, then her asking that question is highly disrespectful if she knows they are working on a relationship.
However that isn't clear in this case and probably isn't obvious to her at all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

drencrom said:


> I don't think either one is cool provided the person who is multi-dating someone behind their back is spending alot of time with that person and knows its going somewhere or is there.
> 
> In this situation I can agree as it doesn't seem like they spend several days a week together and maybe gone out like what, twice in a month?
> 
> ...


She's not doing anything behind his back, they aren't in a relationship. And she talked to him about it.

They don't spend every day together, OP said that.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> She's not doing anything behind his back, they aren't in a relationship. And she talked to him about it.
> 
> They don't spend every day together, OP said that.


I know, hence my response. I know he said as much, but for some reason still wasn't very clear to me. Saying one thing, but acting like it is another.


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