# He can't use a condom



## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

My partner when we have sex (which is rarely anyway) will not use a condom.

I am not keen on the female pill or other intrusive or chemical types so I have asked him to use a condom.

He tried once but he lost his erection quite soon afterwards and so we use the withdrawal method. I don't find it satisfactory becasue it feels incomplete sex as he has to orgasm outside of me. 

This upsets me a great deal. I have told him this but he says it is fine for him and he has always used this method with his previous girlfriends. The thing is he doesn't want any children and I am putting myself at risk of pregnancy becasue it is very unsafe method. I have told him this and he says he will stand by me if I need an abortion.

This upsets me a great deal. I have asked if he will consider a vasectomy but he says he does not want to go through the pain or humiliation of this.

So I am always to have sex like this and it still feels like we do not really finish making love properly with this method.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Shut the faucet. He will either change his attitude or find another outlet. 

Mind you if it's that infrequent maybe there are other issues.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are both being selfish and careless here. BC is a hugely important issue and neither of you cares to budge. Someone needs to buck up and take responsibility.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

condoms are really crappy and I for one have a really hard time orgasming with one on.

one thing that has helped it to put some lube on before the condom then its harder to tell you have one on.

you could also give him oral and then you could put it on for him he might not lose his erection that way and if he starts to go down you could stimulate him with you hand/mouth until hes up again.

or go anal not much chance of getting knocked up that way.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm curious about why you don't like other birth control methods. Nothing wrong with not liking them, I'm just curious as to why. Also, if you don't like the risks with withdrawal, then you know what your alternatives are: condom or sterilization. Or... not having sex at all. I assume the last is not an option. So, you need to have a frank discussion with your boyfriend about this. And don't do something you're not "keen on". You need to come up with something that works for both, not just one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Just how selfish is a man who is unwilling to wear a condom, but very willing to put you through the troubles of pregnancy and abortion?


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

You don't want to use 'chemical or intrusive' solutions and yet you want your boyfriend to consider a vasectomy? That's a rather 'intrusive' procedure I think (albeit of a different nature but alas).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get a new boyfriend... seriously.

I have a few nephews who are the result of pulling out. I had a pregnancy from it as well.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

He wont wear a condom, but he is OK with the possibility of you having an abortion because he is irresponsible? Mind boggling!! :scratchhead:


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I'd get a new boyfriend. Sounds like a real special guy you got there.

He's okay with anything that doesn't have to do with him personally. BC for you, no problem. Abortion, no problem. Condom, asking way to much. Vasectomy, well I wouldn't stay with him, so I wouldn't bother even bringing that up.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Personally, I would prefer no sex to sex with a condom. I suppose condoms have their place. But not for me, at least not in a committed relationship. Obviously lots of people have different views and for the couples who don't mind them, I respect your choice. I just wouldn't make that same choice myself. There are lots of options that don't involve putting something between my wife and me.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

well if you don't want to get rid of the selfish ass then you have to take responsibility for your own body and use one of the many methods out there


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Tbh I think neither of them is taking BC serious. Sure it's very stupid of the guy that 'supporting when you need abortion' is anything but a valid answer when it comes to BC but I don't see the OP is considering everything that's available. At least a proper explanation of what types of BC like pill or IUD's are unacceptable and not the label 'chemical' as everything is chemical even the friggin latex condom you put on your penis.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

A diaphragm is also an option, and requires no pills. Slip it in before sex and take it out after.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

more oral sex no pregnacy there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> A diaphragm is also an option, and requires no pills. Slip it in before sex and take it out after.


Oh, but thats intrusive....


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> I have asked if he will consider a vasectomy.


You also don't want children?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd like the OP to explain why she's staying with this guy. Other than for 'love.'

Dude sounds like a jerk, I suspect she's not very old.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I'd like the OP to explain why she's staying with this guy. Other than for 'love.'
> 
> Dude sounds like a jerk, I suspect she's not very old.


they both sound like jerks.

neither one wants a compromise.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Are your feelings of sexual fulfilment more important than the life of a child you risk creating ????? Please. The child you risk creating is the one who suffers the most here.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It looks as though you're in a catch 22 situation as neither of you are prepared to use a reliable form of contraception.

I can understand you not wanting to take the BC pill, but a diaphragm (with a spermicidal) is quick and easy to use, and far more reliable than a condom or the withdrawal method.

Other than that, I can only suggest an asprin. Held firmly between the knees during sex, I've heard that it's a very reliable form of contraception...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I believe she said "cannot" use condoms, not "will not". Sometimes, a guy gets less sensitive as he gets older and there's just not enough feeling there to maintain an erection with a condom- it's just life.

Also, this OP asking her BF to commit to a vasectomy without even being married to him is WAY over the top out of line, especially for infrequent sex.

Reality: guys only have one non-permanent BC option. If OP doesn't want to work with him on this then she needs to find another sex partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IndyTM said:


> Just how selfish is a man who is unwilling to wear a condom, but very willing to put you through the troubles of pregnancy and abortion?


A guy who doesn't deserve to get laid ever again. Why are you with this cretin? Drop him like a bad habit and get yourself on reliable birth control.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Just how selfish is a man who is unwilling to wear a condom, but very willing to put you through the troubles of pregnancy and abortion?


I lke you...these is my thoughts exactly.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I'd like the OP to explain why she's staying with this guy. Other than for 'love.'
> 
> Dude sounds like a jerk, I suspect she's not very old.


I am 43 years old, I ask myself why I stay every day and yes I would be prepared to use another alternative birth control but he just isn't interested in talking about it, He says that BC don't really work.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

DTO said:


> I believe she said "cannot" use condoms, not "will not". Sometimes, a guy gets less sensitive as he gets older and there's just not enough feeling there to maintain an erection with a condom- it's just life.
> 
> Also, this OP asking her BF to commit to a vasectomy without even being married to him is WAY over the top out of line, especially for infrequent sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this insight. My partner will not sonsider any other option he says that BC do not work so he only wants to use withdrawal. He said he wanted children to start with, now he changed his mind. So I am taking the risk so yes I will have to consider my alternatives. I asked him to consider a vasectomy because he said he never wanted children again, so this was me being helpful to him as if we split then he is in win win situation.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

A++ said:


> You also don't want children?


Actually yes I did want kids with him and when we dated he said he wanted me to have his kids so if I got pregnant it didn't matter. After we moved in, he changed his mind, I asked when we would start a family and he said he had chnaged his mind, I was devastated and he was just 'oh well I can change my mind if I like"

So I though he was being unfair, hence why I need to seek alternative BC.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are both being selfish and careless here. BC is a hugely important issue and neither of you cares to budge. Someone needs to buck up and take responsibility.


I don't thing that I am being selfish since he said it did not matter if I got pregnant to start with, it was later that he said he had changed his mind


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> Actually yes I did want kids with him and when we dated he said he wanted me to have his kids so if I got pregnant it didn't matter. After we moved in, he changed his mind, I asked when we would start a family and he said he had chnaged his mind, I was devastated and he was just 'oh well I can change my mind if I like"
> 
> So I though he was being unfair, hence why I need to seek alternative BC.



I assume, one of the reasons you found him desirable was because it was understood you both wanted children as well. The fact that he later changed is mind on that matter, for me, is fraud. 
Is is possible he wants children, just not with you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> Actually yes I did want kids with him and when we dated he said he wanted me to have his kids so if I got pregnant it didn't matter. After we moved in, he changed his mind, I asked when we would start a family and he said he had chnaged his mind, I was devastated and he was just 'oh well I can change my mind if I like"
> 
> So I though he was being unfair, hence why I need to seek alternative BC.


Um, you need to seek an alternative PARTNER instead. This guy isnt worth a crap, sorry.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Memento said:


> I assume, one of the reasons you found him desirable was because it was understood you both wanted children as well. The fact that he later changed is mind on that matter, for me, is fraud.
> Is is possible he wants children, just not with you?


Thanks for reply.

I don't think he knows what he wants. I do feel that he has mislead me greatly and that at 43 years old I am wasting my time as my clock is ticking away. He knows this and yet he still said that he changed his mind. So I have lost all hope of having them with him. Also he has very little sexual appetite anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sexualhealth said:


> I am 43 years old, I ask myself why I stay every day and yes I would be prepared to use another alternative birth control but he just isn't interested in talking about it, He says that BC don't really work.


He's not an expert on birth control obviously. Yes all BC can fail, but they definitely work more often than not. It sounds to me like he wants to get you pregnant.

There are other kinds of BC, diaphragm, spermicidal gels, IUD, etc. These are all things you can use. Have you looked into them?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> Thanks for reply.
> 
> I don't think he knows what he wants. I do feel that he has mislead me greatly and that at 43 years old I am wasting my time as my clock is ticking away. He knows this and yet he still said that he changed his mind. So I have lost all hope of having them with him. Also he has very little sexual appetite anyway.


Find someone more deserving of your affection. You deserve someone who is honest about his intentions!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cut your losses and trade up.

Seriously.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sexualhealth said:


> Thanks for reply.
> 
> I don't think he knows what he wants. I do feel that he has mislead me greatly and that at 43 years old I am wasting my time as my clock is ticking away. He knows this and yet he still said that he changed his mind. So I have lost all hope of having them with him. Also he has very little sexual appetite anyway.


hit the streets a running you guys are not on the same page at all.

you want kids and he don't you like sex and he has a low drive.

sounds like a nobrainer to me.


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## ash59200 (Dec 20, 2012)

why u girls are so stupid in standing on your own demands! you are asking a person to do vasectomy for ur own pleasure and avoid ur own risk of being impregnated! how **** u r! u can also use condoms if u dont want to take chemical tablets for ur silly weakness reasons. worldwide all girls are doing so. u can easily take pills which should be taken 2/3 times per month for a safe sex life. or better use female condoms. why do u want to create trouble to a man's life!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> My partner will not sonsider any other option he says that BC do not work so he only wants to use withdrawal.


Right- everyone knows that all those silly other forms of birth control don't work, anyone that uses the pill, or an IUD, or a diaphram, or a Nuvaring, or a female condom, or hormonal injections, or spermacidal creams, are just being foolish.

Have you considered anal sex?

It's a viable option for two clueless people that are about to have unwanted children.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Ditch this bozo. He's so not worth it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> Thanks for reply.
> 
> I don't think he knows what he wants. I do feel that he has mislead me greatly and that at 43 years old I am wasting my time as my clock is ticking away. He knows this and yet he still said that he changed his mind. So I have lost all hope of having them with him. Also he has very little sexual appetite anyway.


Do you really want children? If so, 43 is more than the clock ticking...it should be ringing loud alarm bells. It's not as easy to get pregnant at 43 as it is in the movies. Often, at that age, you need some kind of fertility treatments or other options.

Honestly, if you want kids, I don't understand why you'd stay with this guy once he told you he doesn't want them. 

Even more honestly, I don't know why you'd stay with him considering his attitude on both birth control and sex.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I hate condoms. kills the mood, feels different etc...

I always did the pull out method.

I would suggest another form of birth control. I don't think you'll change him on this one.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> I am 43 years old, I ask myself why I stay every day and yes I would be prepared to use another alternative birth control but he just isn't interested in talking about it, He says that BC don't really work.


I apologize for thinking you were young. You do sound young in your thinking though.

BC works, or it wouldn't be such a huge industry in itself. It's not 100% (only abstinence really is) but it's a great means to have sex and reduce the risk of pregnancy. 

I think he is simply into this for his own pleasure and doesn't want to do anything that will diminsh his pleasure. A pregancy and an abortion are nothing to him and create no problems for him, so why would he care? 

This man has lied to you about his desire for kids and wants to do nothing to prevent a pregnancy. Force him to be more responsible or turf him. You won't get much respect from him, and based on his past regarding his ex's (doing the same pull out method with them) I doubt he'll change.



ash59200 said:


> why u girls are so stupid in standing on your own demands! you are asking a person to do vasectomy for ur own pleasure and avoid ur own risk of being impregnated! how **** u r! u can also use condoms if u dont want to take chemical tablets for ur silly weakness reasons. worldwide all girls are doing so. u can easily take pills which should be taken 2/3 times per month for a safe sex life. or better use female condoms. why do u want to create trouble to a man's life!


A) Your post is highly offensive

B) I don't know what your definition of a 'man' is, but this guy isn't a real man.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

moreso...for me, the pull out method made sure I was in control.

i.e. who the hell knows if she took her pill or did whatever.

when a woman says she "can't" or "won't" get pregnant........run for the hills!!!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

after age 40 your risk of haveing complications or a birth defect grows greatly.

downs syndrome,spine abifita, 

over 40yrs old is considered high risk by most doctors.

your chance of having problem goes from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in a 100.
after age 40.

at least thats what our dr told us.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> moreso...for me, the pull out method made sure I was in control.
> 
> i.e. who the hell knows if she took her pill or did whatever.
> 
> when a woman says she "can't" or "won't" get pregnant........run for the hills!!!!


Same with guys. If they say they're sterile, unless they have documentation that backs that up, RUN AWAY!!!!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ash59200 said:


> why u girls are so stupid in standing on your own demands! .. how **** u r!





kingsfan said:


> A) Your post is highly offensive


Learn to recognize troll posts. It's easy when you check the posting history.

That member will be banned by tomorrow, I'll bet $50 on it and I take Paypal..


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Learn to recognize troll posts. It's easy when you check the posting history.
> 
> That member will be banned by tomorrow, I'll bet $50 on it and I take Paypal..


I don't need to 'learn' that. The fact he has all of 2 posts is enough indication. Troll or not, what I said stands and I will reply to someone if I feel so.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I don't need to 'learn' that. The fact he has all of 2 posts is enough indication. Troll or not, what I said stands and I will reply to someone if I feel so.


The trolls thank you for your efforts (you played right into it) whereas the posters looking for answers to their problems, other posters trying to follow the subject matter, and the moderators trying to keep threads on topic do not appreciate it.

Sorry for the hijack, just trying to be informative and prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future, no more will be said on this matter.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

sexualhealth said:


> My partner when we have sex (which is rarely anyway) will not use a condom.
> 
> He tried once but he lost his erection quite soon afterwards


He only tried a condom once and gave up? When I read about guys losing their erection with a condom, I have a hard time believing that. I suppose maybe it could be too tight or there is some other "fit" problem. Have him try a different size.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

studley said:


> He only tried a condom once and gave up? When I read about guys losing their erection with a condom, I have a hard time believing that. I suppose maybe it could be too tight or there is some other "fit" problem. Have him try a different size.


I've never been good with condoms either. The whole process of putting it on breaks the mood. Never really used them.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Yeah but seriously, choosing between a condom and pregnancy? Barring the fact that apparently the guy goes flacid when putting it on why continue with intercourse if there's obviously no real birth control at work? They're both making a huge mistake by being passive about this and letting the other party take care of issues. Yes also the OP.

Been using them for 4 years already. Sure it feels better without but it's better then a pregnancy and/or abortion. *shudder*


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

This isn't about condoms, it's about taking control of your destiny.

If the OP wants kids, then the OP should make it clear that, one way or another, she's going to have a kid, whether it be through artificial insemination on her own, without a man in her life, or otherwise.

43 years old, yes, time to get moving. But this guy does not seem to be ready for fatherhood, or for that matter, adulthood. Birth control doesn't work??? It's worked very well for a whole lot of people. It's created a huge difference in birth rates across various demographics. Claiming that birth control doesn't work might be a good entrance to the flat earth society.

If kids are wanted, tell the guy that that's the plan, period. If he wants to be a part of that, then he'd better start acting like it. If he doesn't, if all he's interested in is infrequent casual sex, show him the door.

The OP should live the life _she_ wants to live. I think part of the issue is determining what that life is.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are incomparable. He knows that and so do you. You are the one taking all of the risk with a man who does not care for you. You are a convient sex partner and that's about it. If that is all you want to be then stay and don't complain. If you want a loving caring relationship then leave and find it. 

You may think you will not be able to find someone better but that is fear talking. You will if you want to. 

Stay with this cretin and when your 50 and he meets someone and falls in love and wants you to leave, don't blame anyone but yourself. He is telling you now that he does not care. He is using you for sex and probably a laundress, housekeeper ect. 

Sorry but you don't seem to hear when it is said nicely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex was like that. Then he promised to use a condom and slipped it in me without. In my state, that's an act of rape! So I ended up divorcing him. If a guy doesn't want kids he should get a vasectomy. 
You could try a female condom and see how that goes for him. Too bad the sponge isn't still around. 

Don't risk pregnancy at all if you wouldn't get an abortion.
I was cool with the occasional risk until I learned that a drug I was taking would be toxic to fetus...since I'm already on some kind of drug and it was natural stuff (severe allergies) that almost killed me and made me need the drug, I figured one more drug wouldn't hurt, so I started taking the pill this past week. At some point you have to come to grips with reality, and stop fantasizing about getting pregnant and remove that possibility. It will only lead to trouble. You're not doing anyone any favors, least of all yourself.

A guy who wants to withdraw and says he'll stand by you in an abortion is on some level just using you and could care less. If he really cared and didn't want kids, he'd go for a vasectomy or figure out a way to deal with condoms.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

studley said:


> He only tried a condom once and gave up? When I read about guys losing their erection with a condom, I have a hard time believing that. I suppose maybe it could be too tight or there is some other "fit" problem. Have him try a different size.





sharkeey said:


> I've never been good with condoms either. The whole process of putting it on breaks the mood. Never really used them.


Yep, I can't wear a condom either..........not saying its impossible, but definitely a mood killer trying to get it on and then get mr.member rock hard again.

That's the perk of being married with a wife that has her tubes tied don't need one  dare I say try Viagra.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I can see you not wanting to be on the pill as it can lower libido or cause weight gain, but have you ever considered an IUD? It only takes a few minutes to have one inserted in the doctor's office and it is good for ten years. If you ever want to get pregnant it only takes a few minutes to remove it. Paraguard is hormone free.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My cousin and her husband used the withdraw method for years. She did get pregnant eventually. Which resulted in an abortion. 

There are also female condoms.

A vasectomy is so much easier for men then a woman getting her tubes tied. Less recovery time for a man. My cousin's husband had is done and after 2 days he was back at work.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Condom sex aint half as good as bareback.

What about a snip snip? 20 loads later no worries.


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