# Is my MC Giving the right advice?



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Here's the short version of my story:

2 months ago, my wife left me abruptly when I found an inordinate amount of texts and phone calls to a number unknown to me. 

Prior to that, we have been together for 12 years, married for 9 with no kids. Everything seemed to be going fine, however, after I confronted her with this information, she said she had been "unhappy for about 6 months" and I wasn't attentive enough to her. She is a very beautiful woman, who has been catered to by me, and is very spoiled, and dependent on lots of money to travel and buy things!

Well she is a nurse, and I eventually find out that she is having a PA with a married surgeon who started texting her. She let me suffer for about 1.5 months saying that I was stupid, and there was no affair. I had never experienced such emotional pain in my life, I couldn't eat, sleep & had to go on anti-depressants. Throughout this whole process, she watched, and I remained in communication via text and phone calls the whole time. 

Since this guy is a Dr., and he just built a large home, has a wife, and 3 kids, when I contacted him via text and told him to leave the wife alone or I would spill the beans to his family, he stopped all communications at that point. Well, once this stopped another surgeon that is his friend began to text my wife and the talk quickly turned to sex. She also began texting sexually explicit texts to this guy! In addition to this, while on one of our MC recommended "date nights", I found out that she was telling another guy she used to think was "hot" to text her so they could catch up.

The problem is that now, my wife feels that she is love with him (the first surgeon), even though he has nothing to do with her. I know all of this because I have tons of transcripts of her text messages that she backed up on my home PC. She has since moved back in (I didn't find any of the transcripts until she moved back in) and our marriage counselor is telling us to try and get along and we slowly address the situation, and she has to work on building trust. The problem I have with this, is that I seem to be the only one trying to be nice, and trying to act like this never happened until the next MC session....

My question is will this kind of communication ever be effective, or should I kick her out again, and try the 180? Thanks guys.


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Whyis thetitle of your thread "is my MC giving the right advice?"


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

IMO, if your wife is still being this promiscuous even after you outed the affair, I would do a complete 180, get your finances in order, and prepare to divorce. I don't see how she could be telling you any more plainly that she wants to be with someone else. Sorry you are in this position.

Also, if it were me I would tell the Dr.'s wife. She has a right to know what kind of jerk she is married to. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if the situation was reversed ?


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Again?!?! :scratchhead:

You should have never let her come back. Dude I believe in salvaging a marriages but this is NOT. Even AFTER you found out and you exposed she is STILL doing it and most likely will continue. Your best bet is to 180 her butt and D her!! Understand the 180 should not be to see if she wants to R, it is to work on YOU mental well-being. If by some miracle she does come around there will be MUCH work to be done.....


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

missymrs80 - Sorry, I guess the title is a small part of my post, but the question I'm mainly asking, is should I follow what he's saying about us living together and trying to get along without arguing for a week or so until we get back to our next MC session. 

and Dblkman - I tend to agree with what you're saying, but I didn't find out about all of the other stuff until she had moved back in, so that's why I'm wondering if I should kick her out again or just try marriage counseling a few more times. Based on some other texts that I've seen of hers (that she doesn't know I've seen) she's telling friends that she wants to work on it, and the counselor is telling her (in her private session) that she needs to grieve the loss of the OM and focus on our marriage again.

As for telling the wife, (and this is sad on my part) I have not told her, because I'm afraid that if do that now, then she will divorce him, and my wife and this ********* will live happily ever after... Plus a part of me doesn't want to ruin this woman or her 3 children's life.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like she is on the hunt to become a rich doctor's wife!!!! The next "single this time" doctor that flirts with her....she will be gone!!!! 

I wonder if the doctor's were talking to each other about her so that when the first stepped away the other doctor saw some "Easy #$%^&" and went for it!!!!


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Shoot Me PLz - I thought the same thing about them passing the number around, and I told the wife that she was being played, and she said she has never felt so used, and stupid in her life... blah blah blah.... 

As for her wanting to become a rich doctor's wife, that I've thought about too, but I'm in Corporate Finance and do well financially.... so I'm not sure that's it.


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

phluid said:


> missymrs80 - Sorry, I guess the title is a small part of my post, but the question I'm mainly asking, is should I follow what he's saying about us living together and trying to get along without arguing for a week or so until we get back to our next MC session.
> 
> and Dblkman - I tend to agree with what you're saying, but I didn't find out about all of the other stuff until she had moved back in, so that's why I'm wondering if I should kick her out again or just try marriage counseling a few more times. Based on some other texts that I've seen of hers (that she doesn't know I've seen) she's telling friends that she wants to work on it, and the counselor is telling her (in her private session) that she needs to grieve the loss of the OM and focus on our marriage again.
> 
> As for telling the wife, (and this is sad on my part) I have not told her, because I'm afraid that if do that now, then she will divorce him, and my wife and this ********* will live happily ever after... Plus a part of me doesn't want to ruin this woman or her 3 children's life.


Its not unheard of for a therapist to want you guys to commit To being together during therapy if the shared goal is to repair the marriage.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AB-SO-FA-KING-LOOT-LEE NOT!!!.

Are you kidding!!! I mean seriously, This is so far from the right course of action it's absurd!!!

TRY TO GET ALONG?!? DON'T ADDRESS IT?!? WORK ON IT SLOWLY?!?

AGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









How do some of these MC's get a license and why The funk is there no way to bring a malpractice suit against a MC?!?


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You need to expose. 

Don't be afraid of her leaving, or would you honestly want to be in a marriage with a woman whose in love with another man? 

You need her to go NC, offer up all email and cellphone access, and she needs to get tested for STDs. 

If she balks at any of these then she IS NOT REMORSEFUL no matter what else she does if she isn't willing to make concessions to save her marriage. 

You need to man up, fast. You acting like you have no balls isn't exactly going to attract her to you. 

Make demands, and see them met. 

MC is wrong. 

You don't need to be trying to get along. She needs to be showing remorse and trying to get along with you. 

If you feel pissed, lash out, and if you got something to say then say it, elsewise she'll think she got off easy and wouldn't realize the gravity of the situation. 

You can't trust her, until she starts acting worthy of it, no matter what shes said to her friends. 

And those texts may just be attempts to game you. You may be skeptical of this. Go to doccoolDOTcom and see the vile and deceitful things waywards do to keep their betrayed spouses in line or confused about what to do. 

The first thing that may come to your mind when reading is "Yeah but my wife would never do that!"

Yeah you probably never thought she'd spread her legs for two separate doctors either.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. Inform HR at the Hospital of the behavior of the two surgeons
2. Inform the wives of the surgeons
3. Inform your wife's family of the affair
4. Inform your family of the affair
5. Call an attorney
6. Seperate your finances
7. Do the 180
8. Keep a VAR with you at all times


GET STARTED


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Phluid, your MC is correct on one point; you should be respectful and courteous in your dealings with her, or anyone else for that matter. That is part of respecting yourself. The MC is wrong on the rest of it. There is no rebuilding trust while she is involved in her affair(s). Sadly, friend, the wife you had is already gone, if she ever existed at all. This person you are living with is showing you contempt. I suggest that you institute the 180 and make preparations to end the marriage. If the woman now in your home should change her attitude toward you, then you may wish to consider whether you wish to build a new relationship with her.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Two choices and they are simple....

You can draw clear lines in the sand, or you can bury your head in it.


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

River rat - thanks for the insight. I do agree that I should deal with her in a calm manner. Prior to this it was screaming for hours daily. 

As for her affairs, I made her send a joint text message to the other surgeon saying that their texting would stop. He apologized to me. Also, she has given me her passwords etc... And she claims it has all stopped. 

I guess this why the MC is suggesting that we begin to work towards RC.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Your wife is addicted to the game. To take up with the second man belies her deep "love" of the surgeon. Marriage counseling will not get at these issues because they primarily lie INSIDE HER. _She_ has to want to change--and I see no evidence of that.

You know why she thinks she's in "love" with that first OM? Because he rejected her. She thinks that kind of ill-treatment must mean he's terrific. Just sit back and think about how twisted and screwed up that is for a minute. That is the insight into how her brain works when it comes to love: she doesn't have the faintest clue what that word really means.

Does she have other issues? Does she seem extraordinarily selfish in other ways--does she have narcissistic tendencies? Or, does she seem at times to nearly hate herself--perhaps she had childhood abuse issues or was subject to some other sort of abuse at one time?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

phluid said:


> River rat - thanks for the insight. I do agree that I should deal with her in a calm manner. Prior to this it was screaming for hours daily.
> 
> As for her affairs, I made her send a joint text message to the other surgeon saying that their texting would stop. He apologized to me. Also, she has given me her passwords etc... And she claims it has all stopped.
> 
> I guess this why the MC is suggesting that we begin to work towards RC.


Expose to hr at the hospital if they don't do anything now atleast there is a record on file and they will be watching them.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her the marriage is on hold until she does some heavy lifting here and you decide when the marriage is back on.


----------



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

you already know the answer to this question...

there seems to be a whole lot of people saying to out her @ the hospital etc. etc.

I dunno, maybe I'm just a bit nore devious vs confrontational.

maybe find a nurse of your own on the side, at least you would be "even"

If you have phone a cell number or home number is best. use one of the readily available free services that clone your number on the caller id. i.e. call from one number, but show it on the id as the wife as you call the surgeons house at dinner time and hang up on the wife after asking for him in a womens voice??

blow up their home and cell numbers using this tactic. I gaurantee you they will never talk to her again! (and no one will know you did anything)

still bang the nurse though


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

- Iheartlife - I completely agree with your assesment and her perception of love is completely distorted. She is in individual counseling in addition to our marriage counseling. 

As for the childhood trauma, I think that is the primary reason that I didn't want to share, but it's the real reason that I haven't revealed all that she's done to her family and co-workers. 

When she was 13 yrs old, she got pregnant after a sexual assault from an older boy. Her parents were very religious and made her carry the child through term and let a couple a mile down the road adopt the child. During the pregnancy her parents provided no love, only shame, and she endured as much shame at school from her peers until she was pulled out of school and pretty much put into hiding. She was also told that she would be able to see the child since he would be just down the road, and the people that adopted the child never allowed this to happen. 

So, while I would like to shout it from the rooftops to everyone what she's done, I have chosen not to, because I love her, and I never want her to experience that kind of shame again, even at the expense of my life with her. I know it's no excuse for what she's done, but it's just something I am not willing to do to her. 

I am willing to do the 180 on her, get her out of the house again, and file for divorce, and am hoping that this will get my point across. I am also hoping that therapy can help her individually with her issues with love etc...


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Expose her to OMW she deserve truth. Dont think that the Dr. will marry your wife, the first thing he will be doing is throwing your wife under the bus.
Do the same with other surgeons wife also she should also know the truth.

Do the 180. Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same.
Kick her out if she is not truly remorseful or o her knees begging for your forgiveness. then serve her at the work.
Dont rationalize her cheating with her past. Her cheating was her conscious choice she took knowing the consequences, so if there is no consequences she will bang others in front of you on your marital bed next time


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It seems your WW has stopped her adultous behavior, but what keeps her from having all those feeling come back everytime she goes to work?
I mean everyday she goes to work she has to see one of the doctors, if not both...that has to have an emotional impact for her, and that is not good for your marriage?

I suggest she find another place to work so that these POS doctors stop influencing the dynamics of a already fragile marriage.


No contact means no contact....she has to quit her job!


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

phluid said:


> missymrs80 - Sorry, I guess the title is a small part of my post, but the question I'm mainly asking, is should I follow what he's saying about us living together and trying to get along without arguing for a week or so until we get back to our next MC session.
> 
> and Dblkman - I tend to agree with what you're saying, but I didn't find out about all of the other stuff until she had moved back in, so that's why I'm wondering if I should kick her out again or just try marriage counseling a few more times. Based on some other texts that I've seen of hers (that she doesn't know I've seen) she's telling friends that she wants to work on it, and the counselor is telling her (in her private session) that she needs to grieve the loss of the OM and focus on our marriage again.
> 
> As for telling the wife, (and this is sad on my part) I have not told her, because I'm afraid that if do that now, then she will divorce him, and my wife and this ********* will live happily ever after... Plus a part of me doesn't want to ruin this woman or her 3 children's life.



I think she may not be completely ready or focused on the marriage, not saying it may or not happen, but you should focus on yourself and not on her, or your marriage. She could tell the MC whatever he wants to hear, some of them do.

One of the biggest mistakes we as BS sometimes do is focus on them and let them handle our emotions. Focus on you and what you need, if when the time is right, she shows true remorse and effort then you have a better chance. If he divorces the wife and yours ends up with him, I am telling you they will do the same to each other. Plus they deserve each other, don't you think? I thought of that too and the thing is, it is not in your control anyway. Get legal advice just in case.


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks guys for the advice... I'm really appreciative of it all. It's good to hear from other people in this situation.

As for finding another job, I definitely think that will be a requirement for me to consider going forward with this marriage.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Does MC know of the rape?

I think the asault is a big part of her cheating. You as husband are not qualified to be her therapist on this. Due to psychological factors you might be unsafe in her subconscious so she seeks comfort elsewhere.

If she is truly no-contact with OMs I would advise strong but compassionate action. No contact. Full transparency with cell phone, email, social websites. MC and IC for her rape. Prep for divorce so she knows you are serious but don't actually file paperwork. Talk to a lawyer and have it ready to go. Tell your wife you love her and want to R, but she must verbally commit to all the yerms and she must acknowledge she needs IC to deal with why she did this. She must acknowledge the assailt might be a factor and she must commit to therapy to deal with that issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your MC might be on the right track. Is it possible he knows things you don't?? Therapists are usually in favor of talking rather than threats. I think you can have a strong boundary and also do the talking.

The MC may have a specific reason not to push your wife. Ask him. If it is a generic philosophy of his to rug sweep or to 'nice' the wayward back then I think the MC iss wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Phluid, you've gotten some good advice here. I'm in the camp that would expose to OMW. I've known a lot of surgeons; they have to have big egos to do the job. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads to an intolerable sense of entitlement. These guys need a reality check. If his wife kicks him out, and your wife leaves with him (and I've seen this happen), she isn't worth your emotional investment, anyway. As for exposing to HR, unless the hospital has a very strict policy against fraternization, they really can't police what their staff do outside the hospital on their own time. If this foolishness occurred within the hospital, it is their business, although most governing bodies are reluctant to get involved. I know of what I speak.


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Thor- the MC does know about her past. She had sought individual counseling from him in the past about confronting the individuals who raised the child, and about how to approach the child now that he is 18. She waited until he was out of high school before she made contact with him. 

When this all happened, this was the counselor she wanted to see because she didn't want to have to "unpack" all of this baggage to someone else. She trusts this guy, and he is the staff counselor at our church. 

He wants to work with her individually about this, and I'm okay with that. I'm just a little unsure of his advice about acting like it never happened for 7 days to give it time to "cool off". I feel like all I've done is make concessions for her stupid behavior to this point, and I feel like I'm still having to do it. 

However, I am prepared to get her our of the house and speak to an attorney. 

As for the comment about the surgeons and their egos, as I mentioned I'm in corporate finance, and some of my clients are surgeons and the like, and I'm very much attuned to their sense of entitlement. That's why I knew to begin with that all I would have to do was text him that one message, and based on all of the evidence I've found, he stopped immediately that day, because he knew he would lose the $1 million home he just built, and would have to write a gigantic check for Alimony and Child support for many years to come, because his wife is a SAHM and has become accustomed to that lifestyle.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> You know why she thinks she's in "love" with that first OM? Because he rejected her. She thinks that kind of ill-treatment must mean he's terrific. Just sit back and think about how twisted and screwed up that is for a minute. That is the insight into how her brain works when it comes to love: she doesn't have the faintest clue what that word really means.


:iagree:

Google limerence.


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Ok guys... so the 7 day thing didn't work out. I tried as hard as I cuold not to start fights etc... But it's hard to do when the other person is acting like a princess, and acting like I'm the one who should be ashamed of myself.

I told her to leave the house, and I'm giving her until the end of the weekend to do it, because of her work schedule. I'm implementing the 180 immediately, and will talk to my attorney in the coming week. 

I will say that once I took control of the situation, her entire attitude changed almost immediately. I told her that she would leave, she would take her dogs with her, and there would be no contact, unless it was via text and related to our mutual bills, home, animals etc... 

Just wanted to post an update, and I will continue to report on the progress of the 180, I just hope I can keep it together. 

Thanks again to everyone for the advice.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

No kids = see ya later.

Nobody is worth putting yourself though and emotional blender multiple times unless their are kids involved IMO.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

phluid said:


> Ok guys... so the 7 day thing didn't work out. I tried as hard as I cuold not to start fights etc... But it's hard to do when the other person is acting like a princess, and acting like I'm the one who should be ashamed of myself.
> 
> I told her to leave the house, and I'm giving her until the end of the weekend to do it, because of her work schedule. I'm implementing the 180 immediately, and will talk to my attorney in the coming week.
> 
> ...


Yes--she needs to figure out that just because she was abused, that doesn't entitle her to become a perpetual victim and inflict harm on others.

Have you looked at the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder - PubMed Health

At some point you may have to decide whether that church counselor is in over their head, or not. I suspect her issues are very serious, and part of the reason she likes this counselor is that they just validate and coddle her.

Abuse victims do require special counseling, but they need to learn that ALL human beings suffer. Too often, there is this idea of once a victim, always a victim. People who see themselves as victims can never free themselves from their pasts. But their pasts do NOT need to define them forever, and having a past like hers does not give her a free ride to ruin other people's lives.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

phluid said:


> - Iheartlife - I completely agree with your assesment and her perception of love is completely distorted. She is in individual counseling in addition to our marriage counseling.
> 
> As for the childhood trauma, I think that is the primary reason that I didn't want to share, but it's the real reason that I haven't revealed all that she's done to her family and co-workers.
> 
> ...



Yeah she has a sad story. LOTS of people do. EVERYONE can come up with a dozen of excuses for their immoral behavior. Stop MC (since there is no marriage - not with her accepting texts from all comers) and continue with IC for yourself. You need to re-establish integrity for yourself. 

You can't fix her - you need fixing yourself (no offense - I think you know this)

She needs to find her own way - not that she seems to care.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok, you got several problems. 

1. Why the F*** is she back in the house? Seriously?!? Did she chop your balls off and stuff a gag in your mouth so you can't say "GEt the F*** out of my house!" ? 

2. Your wife is always looking to trade up. 
And because she is a nurse, this is easy. She is around doctors that earn $200,000+ a year, everyday. These guys look at nurses as perks of the job. Smell the recipe for disaster? 
She needs to retire! Or find a new job that doesn't involve men that make more than you. 

3. why the F*** are you attempting reconciliation?
What is your breaking point? When she comes home with a kid in her belly that isn't yours?
When she bangs her work buddy in the guest bedroom next to yours? 
Seriously Dude! What is your breaking point? Because either you establish it, and or she'll discover it. 

4. What has your wife done to show "Wow, I just destroyed you. I need to work my ass off to fix my mess." 
Because sounds like she hasn't! 

Dude, you are TOO NICE!!!
Get that? TOO NICE!!!!!!

This ends in one of two ways:
Divorce
Or you becoming a cuckold and living in a oneway-open marriage. 

Now, you need to start healing youself. 
First step would be pulling a HARD 180. And that means:
You don't call/text/talk her
You don't have sex/be affectionate with her
You do jack SH!T for her. She gets her own groceries, does her own laundry, changes her own oil, pays her own car insurance, pays her own bills
You need to change all the accounts! Otherwise, when you file, you'll have $50k up in credit card debt as a present from your wife. 
You don't do ANYTHING with her! You treat her as a ghost. A non-entity. 

And if your wife starts to try and work her way back into your life, don't let!!! 

Then get yourself a damn life!!!
Go work out. Get sexy. 
Then go out and have fun at bars. Get friends. Show her you need her about as much as a Kansas home owner needs hurricane insurance. 
And ignore your freaking wife!!!

Dude, your wife doesn't want you. She doesn't respect you. 

And until you stop letting her walk over you, this marriage will only get worse. 

And I am really curious. 

This women has let two men inside her. 
Do you really want this lying cheating wife back? Because she can't remain loyal to you, or her affair partner. You really want that back?


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

phluid said:


> Ok guys... so the 7 day thing didn't work out. I tried as hard as I cuold not to start fights etc... But it's hard to do when the other person is acting like a princess, and acting like I'm the one who should be ashamed of myself.
> 
> I told her to leave the house, and I'm giving her until the end of the weekend to do it, because of her work schedule. I'm implementing the 180 immediately, and will talk to my attorney in the coming week.
> 
> ...


Follow up with filing D. Do not play around, it is the only chance. Expose the other OM's. Right now she loves them because it is a fantasy world. The exposure brings in reality. There will be something to fight about. The OM's will try and stay with the family. For the first time she will see the real OM and not the fantasy.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

phluid you gotta go hard. 

Honestly with no kids it is NOT worth it to remain married to her.

It truly isn't. 

But if you really want to R then you need to follow through. She needs to respect you, and you need to act like a man who respect is given to. 

You need to follow through. She needs to know that when you say something, you damn well mean it and you're not to be trifled with in any shape or form. If she lazes around, you tell her if all her crap ain't out by Midnight on Sunday you're gonna toss it on the lawn dogs and all. 

Theres a reason her attitude changed, shes shocked cause she never expected her beta husband to man up and take action.

Don't back down, shes gonna be looking for weakness, for the beta self you used to be, go hard on her. 

And keep her out for at least several weeks. If shes not out for a least a few weeks than its not gonna sink in just how much you will not tolerate her bullsh!t. Having to crash at friends or sleep in their old room in their parents house for nearly a month or more definitely will.

File divorce as well. While it can be cancelled anytime, it sends the appropriate msg. And expose her affairs.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Just in case you get weak in your 180, ask yourself how it would be like to have kids with her knowing what she is capable of.


----------



## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

I agree with the NC. However you may be past 180....is that a 360?  she is not marriage material for all the reasons already said so I'll save the agony. 

Really, I wouldn't expose the affair. Let that take its own course, destiny will take care of it, god doesn't need your help. That's just an impulsive act to get revenge. It will feel good at first but then what does it really solve? I always ask myself that when I am emotional. 

Take care of yourself. Get a marriage counselor that will help you take care of yourself. Make that your primary goal. 

You sound kind. Be kind. That is a fantastic trait. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. 

Sane women will cherish 'kind,' it's a rare find......


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've got to expose at work, for the simple reason she's is obviously known as someone who will cheat with a married surgeon,

To dal with this you have got to make it widely known that she is toxic to have as an affair partner.

That's why exposing at work, exposing to omw, and exposing on cheatervile.com is needed in this case.

You say you don't want to expose your wife, but its the safety she has to continue to jump to new men that enables her to feel like chatting is a safe option.

Remove the safety of that option. Let it be known that any guy that responds to her will be exposed at work and at home.


----------



## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You've got to expose at work, for the simple reason she's is obviously known as someone who will cheat with a married surgeon,
> 
> To dal with this you have got to make it widely known that she is toxic to have as an affair partner.
> 
> ...


What purpose does this serve for the poster? How does exposing her help him deal with it? If she is going to cheat, he can't stop her. Its her responsibility to stop. That's just revenge, and the impact will be short lived. Long term if he were to cut her off, she will have to stop if she wants him back. He can't control everything. He can "remove the safety of that option" by cutting her off, and it will be much healthier for healing his soul.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

phluid said:


> As for her wanting to become a rich doctor's wife, that I've thought about too, but I'm in Corporate Finance and do well financially.... so I'm not sure that's it.


Yeah, but you're NOT a doctor. You might have money but you are way down on the social ladder - at least in the eyes of your wife.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Back to your original question about the MC.

I was shocked to see that the so called MC is her long time IC.

He is used to dealing with her on her issues and is still doing that. 

He is still seeing her as her IC. Are you getting IC from him?

You need to get another IC and not be restricted to HER long time IC.

Every time you caught her she simply moved on to the next guy. You have to take control of yourself and your life and it sounds like you have.

Once she is out of the house you can calmly sit down and take stock of your situation then decide if you want a marriage with this woman who has had possibly two EA/PAs with two different guys and tried to start up with a third.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

phluid said:


> Ok guys... so the 7 day thing didn't work out. I tried as hard as I cuold not to start fights etc... But it's hard to do when the other person is acting like a princess, and acting like I'm the one who should be ashamed of myself.
> 
> I told her to leave the house, and I'm giving her until the end of the weekend to do it, because of her work schedule. I'm implementing the 180 immediately, and will talk to my attorney in the coming week.
> 
> ...


Phluid, sounds like you've turned the ship in the right direction. I agree w/ Iheartlife's observation on BPD. Of course we can't diagnose your wife, but multiple infidelity is one of the behavior patterns of both BPD and NPD, which are closely related. Consider having her evaluated by a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist. If either one of those is her diagnosis, you have a long painful path ahead of you should you decide to reconcile. As to your MC, remember that therapists are human. They fail just like the rest of us. His previous relationship w/ your wife may result in an allegiance of sorts, which would influence his judgement and his advice to you.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you should toss her out, because I really think she wants nothing to do with you. Every word out of her mouth is a lie and you're being played for a fool. Loose her quickly!


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

phluid said:


> As for her wanting to become a rich doctor's wife, that I've thought about too, but I'm in Corporate Finance and do well financially.... so I'm not sure that's it.


The previous poster said rich DOCTOR'S wife. You aren't a doctor. Given the pattern here, that seems to matter to her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Peony55555 said:


> What purpose does this serve for the poster? How does exposing her help him deal with it? If she is going to cheat, he can't stop her. Its her responsibility to stop. That's just revenge, and the impact will be short lived. Long term if he were to cut her off, she will have to stop if she wants him back. He can't control everything. He can "remove the safety of that option" by cutting her off, and it will be much healthier for healing his soul.


It's not freaking about revenge. It's entirely about making cheating with her costly and toxic.

It's also about the #1 things cheaters fear - blow back to the AP. 

So this establishes a clear boundary in the relatinship for the world to see. Cheat with his wife , and you will get burned.

The "it's just revenge" is like saying reporting the guy who robbed your house to the cops is just revenge, especially when the guy is out on the street and heading to your front door with a gun. 

I really do not get why people won't fight for their marriage. Why people choose $$$ from some job over their marriage.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> The previous poster said rich DOCTOR'S wife. You aren't a doctor. Given the pattern here, that seems to matter to her.


I think the thing is she works in a hospital and the place is full of scumbag doctors who have no problems diddling with the staff. And since the husbands of the staff won't go after the hospital or the doctors, the sad truth is the doctors have complete freedom to do it.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Let's not just bash docs for this. Nurses have a very high infidelity rate in general. There seems to be something about the hospital environment and the people who work there which is conducive to a lot of infidelity. The issue isn't that this wife was enticed by a high earning high social status man, the issue is that she is a serial cheater who works in an environment where a lot of potential APs work.


----------



## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> you already know the answer to this question...
> 
> there seems to be a whole lot of people saying to out her @ the hospital etc. etc.
> 
> ...


Some of the worst advice I've ever read.


----------



## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

I agree. Read jellybeans 'youve been dumped.'. Take the high road. Noone ever benefits in the long run from being a jackass.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Peony55555 said:


> What purpose does this serve for the poster? How does exposing her help him deal with it? If she is going to cheat, he can't stop her. Its her responsibility to stop. That's just revenge, and the impact will be short lived. Long term if he were to cut her off, she will have to stop if she wants him back. He can't control everything. He can "remove the safety of that option" by cutting her off, and it will be much healthier for healing his soul.


What is revenge such a bad thing ? Where does it leave decent people if all they do is take punches. Sometimes you need to hit back so that they know not to mess with your heart or life.. You teach people how to treat you. It would be naive to think that every person you come across in life will be decent honorable person..


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think the thing is she works in a hospital and the place is full of scumbag doctors who have no problems diddling with the staff. And since the husbands of the staff won't go after the hospital or the doctors, the sad truth is the doctors have complete freedom to do it.


I did read or come across stuff yesterday that doctors do have very high entitlement (atleast compared to regular population)..Was it on TAM ?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Peony55555 said:


> What purpose does this serve for the poster? How does exposing her help him deal with it? If she is going to cheat, he can't stop her. Its her responsibility to stop. That's just revenge, and the impact will be short lived.


Let's stop and think about this for a minute.

Exposure isn't about revenge or manipulation. Exposure is misnamed--it should be called, Tell the Truth. No exaggeration, no name-calling, no lies--because that is not exposure--that is just lashing out to try to hurt someone the way they hurt you. 

Affairs grow in the dark. They grow in caves, under rocks, in filthy corners. People who engage in affairs _depend_ on secrecy. They _expect_ the betrayed spouse to be embarrassed and humiliated into silence. They _count on_ the loyal spouse to be so ashamed that they will keep this to themselves. (How do we know this? The genuine shock and anger that registers over the truth being told.)

That is exactly why so many affairs thrive. Sure, some people are so without a conscience, or so arrogant, that they could give a rat's ass if the truth is told. But so what? The truth is like a powerful light. It shines down and reveals what was hiding in the dark. It prevents the wool from being pulled over the eyes of family, friends, and the community.

I think that the view that exposure is petty or immature or vengeful is part of a larger cultural conspiracy of silence. Here is how that works:

--don't expose because it's just...embarrassing.

--you the betrayed, it makes you look...like a loser. your spouse was f*ing someone behind your back. no need to advertise that fact

--cheating isn't such a bad thing. It's not like someone was murdered. you can't arrest someone for cheating. let sleeping dogs lie.

That sounds precisely to me like the sorts of things people used to say about other taboo subjects. Don't talk about the mentally disabled person in the family; hide them in the attic. Don't discuss the fact that grandma is an alcoholic; enable her and put on a brave front. Don't tell about that abuse from your uncle or the rape from the neighbor. Ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

And so there is a web woven through our culture, that backs up these ideas, and basically says to the person who was stabbed in the back by an affair: suck it up, nurse your wounds privately, "take the high road" and pretend nothing happened.

It's not a crime to cheat, but boy howdy, it's a crime to tell the truth about an affair! Since when does that represent the high road? No, it takes courage to stand up for the truth, it takes courage to stand up to our culture that GLORIFIES cheating and say, this is wrong, this is the simple truth, this is what happened.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you don't expose a bank robber or murderer you are an accessory to the crime. This is the same. These doctors families have been betrayed in the highest degree possible. Of course there is an element of revenge, that is what justice boils down to too.

The first thing I would do is put both doctors and their pictures on cheaterville.com. Then when people google them, they will know what they are getting. Then notify the wives. There is a reason people in the medical field are in the top of every study on infidelity. When wronged people do nothing they deserve what they get.


----------



## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

Dude, why are you staying with this woman? Not that you'd ever have to do this but could you ever tell your kids (if you had some with her), "Yeah, before you were born I fought for your mother's completely divided love, persevered through her multiple affairs with married men, flings with other doctors, craving for other ****s even while married. And slayed a dragon. But it was worth it. I was her knight in shining armor." C'MON!!!!


----------



## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

We always fight for the truth and equality so why should you not expose the affair to the other man's wife? I wonder what the majority of people would choose if they were asked "would you rather stay happily married without knowing the spouse was cheating or know that they were cheating and choose to divorce or stay?"


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

Just wanted to give an update to my situation, and thanks guys for the honest replies. (even though it hurt to hear at the time! lol) 

Shortly after following the marriage counselors advice, she moved in, and I just realized that I had virtually lost all respect for myself by allowing this woman to come back in with virtually no remorse for what she'd done or any attempt to change and work on our marriage. I think by getting caught completely off guard by all of this, I was blind to the reality of what was actually happening. 

Long story short, I kicked her out of our house, went to more marriage counseling and individual counseling, and she put no effort into it. During this process, I began to get my self-respect back, my life back, and the feelings of utter despair and craziness began to subside. I have decided to go through with the divorce, as I do not believe that her actions over the past 4 months would ever cause me to trust her again, let alone spend the rest of my life with her. 

I just wanted to write this update so that anyone else who is in a similar situation might see that time heals all wounds. I thought my world had ended, and I would never be happy again. I'm actually very happy today, and just know that those feelings don't last forever, and I've read it here hundreds of times and it's true. Begin to work on yourself and improve your own life, and lean on family and friends during this process. I've found them to be my biggest source of strength and encouragement. 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my posts, it's always good to get an outside view, and to hear what people REALLY think about your situation.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

phluid said:


> Just wanted to give an update to my situation, and thanks guys for the honest replies. (even though it hurt to hear at the time! lol)
> 
> I have decided to go through with the divorce, as I do not believe that her actions over the past 4 months would ever cause me to trust her again, let alone spend the rest of my life with her.


I am not surprised by this news. You stuck by a bad MC. You refused to do what was needed to have a shot at recovery.

You made your WW and OM1 and OM2 avoid all consequences by refusing to fully expose the affair. That made you a door mat to be walked on in front of your WW's eyes.

You showed WW that she did not have to lift a finger to work a recovery.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Maybe I missed it but since you're divorcing her, you should expose it to the related family/friends and the hospital.... like yesterday.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

She's a nurse and she was trying to have an affair with a married surgeon? Obviously the same hospital? Then after you contact the POS - he stops contact but passes your wife's name to one of his surgeon buddies? I guess your wife's reputation amongst the surgeons is not that great, huh?

I think you need to expose the first surgeon and even the second. And you might think about reporting this to the hospital admin too. Those surgeons are treading on dangerous grounds. It's one thing to be fcking around with the nurses. It's another thing altogether to be passing names around like she's a two bit wh*re. Of course, that will blow back on your wife but she's made a lot of very poor choices.

ETA - sorry didn't see the date of the OP's original thread.

OP - you did the right thing. Some MC's suck, that's for sure. In fact, having been through MC twice in the past - have to say they were both pretty useless. I have found this forum far more valuable than MC and a good supplement to IC.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry that she was never able to confront her own very serious issues. Someone who lacks a conscience where breaking vows are concerned is best left to their own devices. I'm glad that you are emotionally turning around.

I want to add one thing: as discussed, she is a damaged person who does not understand what it means to truly love someone. That's her issue and it's something that only she was capable of changing.

However, I strongly recommend the following, if you haven't done this already. Via therapy / counseling, I hope you addressed why you attached yourself to someone who is clearly broken. People who do what you did often are "fixers" who believe on some level that they can make up for the serious deficiencies that damaged people have. They are, in fact, drawn to broken people and spend their energy patching them up. If you do not confront your own demon, you are likely to set yourself up to have this happen again.

Of course, sometimes people can have multiple relationships with damaged people and it's all just a coincidence. But more often, the healthier person thinks that their love is enough, and that it can conquer a partner's own lack of self-respect. It just does not work that way.


----------



## phluid (Nov 5, 2012)

theroad said:


> I am not surprised by this news. You stuck by a bad MC. You refused to do what was needed to have a shot at recovery.
> 
> You made your WW and OM1 and OM2 avoid all consequences by refusing to fully expose the affair. That made you a door mat to be walked on in front of your WW's eyes.
> 
> You showed WW that she did not have to lift a finger to work a recovery.


Thanks for raining on my parade! Haha... I think the point you missed in my post is that I decided that this isn't something that I wanted. I kicked her out of my house initiated no contact and filed for divorce. I'm not interested in recovery with someone who could treat me like that. I gave her months to prove to me that she was remorseful and worthy of someone like me, and she chose to throw it away like it was nothing. I'm a grown man, and if she can't act like an adult and treat me like I deserve to be treated, I'm not going to waste any more time playing mind games with her. She can be replaced. 

As for the other men and exposing them, I could care less if this woman thinks I'm a door mat or not, I just want out. Once I get out and the divorce is final, I have plenty of time to reveal all I need to reveal to their wives, coworkers and anyone else that will listen.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

phluid you made your choice based on information you had. I would still expose the A's to OM1 and OM2's wife. They need to know what is going on and are able to make real rational decisions for themselves.

Good luck. I would find a good IC for yourself. You have been through a great deal.


----------

