# Mom issues



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I am not sure this exactly the right place for this, but I need some unbiased opinions and thoughts. This subject has given me much anxiety and I am truly torn. I tried to make it short, but it ended up kind of long and a bit scattered, sorry. 

I live with my mom, on a small farm. Her and my stepdad bought this particular farm so I could set up my business here. My stepdad has since died, and my mom has become fairly physically disabled, but has not yet qualified for disability (which is really dumb) and is too young for SS. She can do all of the things to take care of herself though, she just really would be hard pressed to find a job that she could do and that anyone would hire her at. My mom brings in 200-300 hundred a month as it is, but usually not even enough to cover her Dr and pain meds (she just got on health insurance, but I don't think it covers her meds which are very expensive) I am the sole bread winner of the house. My mom has only worked a few years of her life, and for nearly the last 35 years, she has been taken care of by my dad, and then my stepdad, and for the last 5 years, me. Granted, some of it is generated on her farm, I literally give 90% of my income to my mom, on slow months its 100% because the bills out here have to be paid. 

Last year I moved my boyfriend out here with us (my first real boyfriend i Have had in a decade), and it was like a switch flipped. She was immediately having very similar fights with him she would have with my stepdad, and became a very mean, and vile person in general, and my boyfriend responded badly to the disrespect and now they hate each other so, so much and he is not every allowed out here, and likewise he has no desire to spend even a second around my mom :crying: Nothing can ever be easy of course. I actually learned a LOT about my mom and my past during this time, and a lot of things that never made sense to me, because i only ever got my moms side of things, suddenly made more sense to me. I don't want to go into a whole, woe is me mommy issues, but my mom cant take responsibility for anything, I am beginning to think she is an actual narcissist. 

So seeing this new side of my mom and realizing I will never get to have a relationship while living with her, I got a loan and bought some property and have been slowly building it up as I have the money to do so. THe problem is that I feel SO guilty about leaving my mom, and yet the whole point is so that I can branch out and start my own life! No man wants to live under his MIL's rules. I will never be able to bring a baby home here with her smoking in the house. I simply will never have my own life other than taking care of this place and keeping it going, which was fine when I was single, but I have love now and want more out of life!

So, every time I talk to family friends, or family, about my property and the progress, everyone says "Shes really going to miss you, shes worried about how shes going to manage." :crying::crying: The guilt I feel when people say that is overwhelming, and angering, I want to shout at them "How dare you put that on me!" But then, I wonder if they are right, that its my responsibility, as a daughter, to take care of my mother. My sister moved out of state for grad school almost 3 years ago, so my mom literally only has me at this point. She has opportunities to make at least enough money off the farm to cover the mortgage and then some, so its not like I would be leaving her with no way to fend for herself, and not at first, but eventually will probably be able to give her a couple hundred a month. 

But that leads me to the question, how responsible am I for my mom? 100%? Is it my obligation to care for her? Part of me feels like I am the worst human being ever for leaving her (in the next year or 2). She gave me this life, she has no one, and it is going to be tough for her to make it on her own and I owe it to her to stay here until she dies, whenever that may be, even at the sacrifice of my own love life and starting my own family, and my happiness in general. I was SO unhappy before I met my boyfriend, I was incredibly lonely out here. I have polled many a man friend and all have said they would not be in a long term relationship with a woman who's mother is part of the deal. The other part of me feels like its my right to go and start my life.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

That's a tough one! If you go by logic, she is an adult and you have no obligation to live with her for the rest of your life but if you go by emotion, they bought the farm for you, she's your mom and she's old so you kind of are obligated. Have you tried having a real honest discussion with her about how she treats your boyfriend is driving you away? Can you move in with him but still help your mom out? Are you still running a business from her property? Have you talked to your sister about giving your mom some help? Your mom is her responsibility too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you checked to see if your mother can get some welfare income and/or at least food stamps (or EBT) and Medicaid? That would help her financially.

How old is your mother.

I agree with Lilac, there are different ways to look at this. Technically you are not responsible for your mother. But you need to come to terms with this.

IF your mother is disabled, can she really run a farm?


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## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

Stop blaming yourself! Guilt is a low vibration. Meaning it's not good for you. You should do what makes YOU happy. You are not responsible for your mother. You said it, she brought you here, not the other way around. It's nice to help her out but she also needs to try to make her own life better as well. You said she has health issues but she still smokes?! Then you think you should stay until she dies, so what if she lives another 10 years? Are you willing to give up your time now? You could die before her. She should not control your life nor make yours miserable. If you give up your happiness, you will only grow to resent her in the end.
Love your mom, but live your life.
Best of luck!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you for your responses. 

No, there is no going back between my boyfriend and my mom. He has since moved out, has not lived here for 6+ months now. He is a grown man and refuses to live his life according to his girlfriends moms many rules. Things like, he was getting a 2nd dog, and she would "NEVER HAVE 2 DOGS HERE" well now he has the 2nd dog, also she told me to not even entertain the thought of his child son moving here. All she wants to do is put all the blame on him, and has no recollection of the things she said and did. Its impossible to talk to her about it. To give an example of how difficult she is, when I was 11 she was caught by my dad, in my dads parents house (while they were on vacation), cheating on him with who would become my stepdad and was with my stepdad for 18 years after that, before he died, and to this day will STILL deny that she cheated on my dad "I don't care if everyone else in the world sees it that I cheated, in my heart I know I didnt." Shes really impossible sometimes. 

The farm business is moving with me to my new property, what she will be left with is a horse stable to rent out, and someone can rent that with her doing absolutely no work. She is capable of doing minimal work, and could charge a bit extra for it if she wanted. She could even let someone hook up an RV and charge them rent to make another few hundred a month without having to lift a finger, and if she could tolerate living with someone else (which I am beginning to think is not possible) she will have a room to rent out, while keeping one open for a guest room. She has options. 

She did not qualify for medicaid, but foodstamps is a good idea (for when I go). I think that would be a fair use to be honest.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Why did he get the 2nd dog when she had said no?

She stated a boundary and he violated it.

Why are you ok with your boyfriend violating your mother's boundary?

He disrespected your Momma. 

That should not be ok with you. 

It also means that if he disrespects your Momma, he's going to disrespect you. 

As far as your Mom's past, let it go. It was 18 years ago. That ship has long sailed.

Have you considered a second house, rv, or trailer on her property, that way you are close enough to help her, but have your own space?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

No, he has moved out, he no longer lives here, only lived here for a couple months. SHe will not allow him to live on her property again. Its true, in the end he did snap and disrespect her, but only after putting up with almost 3 months of abuse from her (and me begging him to wait it out, she will calm down soon but I was wrong she didnt), but he didnt disrespect her in the ways you are thinking. He yelled at her and she said it scared her (but not too much I guess because she came out and tried to start a fight with him as we were driving away). None of this is the issue anyway though. 

He moved out and got the 2nd dog he was planning on, he is a grown man and will get a 2nd dog and at his own place if he wants, he is not going to change his life to suit my moms life, and my moms rules do NOT suit him, so he moved out. I already OWN my own property, bought it this summer, and am building it up. I don't intend to move out and then move mom in with me and have the problems continue. She HATES him, she will not live on the same property as him. She has her own house anyway! I desperately want to have my own life, have a love life, I can't do while living with my mom. At the same time, I am extremely guilty about wanting to separate from my mom and live my own life, leaving her alone, thats the only issue at hand really. 

I was also just trying to make a point about how impossible she is to talk to about things, like never admitting that she cheated on my dad, even though they went through divorce court and all that because he caught her cheating. She will blame my dad, say it was all his fault. She NEVER takes responsibility for what she does, so there is no having them talk it over, because in her mind, he is this evil person, and she is this innocent victim who does no wrong, ever. 

Separating from my will be both to my great benefit, and disadvantage because it will leave me riddled with guilt.

And again, she doesnt need help doing things, she just doenst support herself, never has, and likely isn't going to start at 60 years old. When my stepdad died he left her with no savings. Is it my responsibility to support my mom, at my own expense? Part of me feels like it is. I suggested she move with my sister and her boyfriend after my sister is done with grad school, she has a million reasons why that wont work. Basically the only thing that will work for her is if I break up with my boyfriend and stay here and continue life as we have been.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You've already made your decision. I won't be party to absolving your guilt. Its there for a reason. Good luck.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

So, is it my duty to put my life on hold to live with my mom and pay her bills, because my dad and stepdad always did, and my younger sister was the one leave first? I mean, I am really trying to wrap my head around what is right here. Her personality will not allow me to have a man in my life. I also, don't really need the approval of strangers who are of course only judging by what I type here, and havnt gotten to the end of their rope living with a possibly mentally ill mother their whole life (well, all the time except the years she ditched my sister and I after getting busted in her affair I mean), yet here i am asking! I am so all over the place on this, its such an emotionally charged issue for me! So I know Ihave a codependency on her from that too. She has a bad back, thats her disability, she hasn't had a stroke or anything. SHe is fully capable of doing all the things for her self, she just has never held a job, shes been a kept woman her whole life, and how I am just filling the roll my dad and stepdad did. Is that fair to me? No, but is it my duty as her offspring? IDK. 

All I know is I want love, and I will lose my chance at love and a family if I don't continue to move forward with getting my property set up. I cant continue to commute to his place and work and manage this place forever, a gal burns out after a while. It would be entirely different if he could come see me once or twice a week, and we were SO good together when we lived together, the only source of tension was the hatred towards us coming from my mom. It took me 10 years to meet a guy who was OK with joining me in my life that I have here, the thought of waiting another 10 years to find another is beyond devastating to me. 

Or maybe is that the point of having children? So you have a guarantee to have someone to manage your life for you? Is it really my duty? I guess I am having a hard time with the thought that everyone else gets to live their lives pretty much how they want, but I don't get to? Breaks my heart all the way around, with every choice. I don't get why things have to be so hard, when for others it seems so simple? Grow up, move out, find love. Me, I grew up, and then had to stay here and take care of my mom. I can think myself in circles about this non stop, and have been, for months. Its insanely overwhelming, and I don't really expect most people to be able to understand where I am coming from because its an unusual position to be in at my age. She literally could live another 20 years, shes not unhealthy (shes surprisingly healthy for someone who smokes like a chimney) she just has a bad back.

Its late, and I am depressed and going to bed. Tomorrow will be a new day, with the same questions. I hope sometime I will get it figured out, instead of sit here paralyzed not knowing which way to move, while life passes me by :/


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Oh yes, and my property is 15 minutes from hers, so its not like I am moving across the country like my sister did or anything. The farming is only a portion of my income, and really when i do the math it mostly just pays for itself, so I guess its just a hobby really. The way I can set it up when I leave, she has the opportunity to make more money off the stable then I am now with it filled up with my own horses and critters. Which is also partly why I have been fine with paying all of the bills of course.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I was stuck in a similar situation after I got out of high school, my dad died and my mom had never worked or even driven a car, we even lived on a farm that mom wouldn't leave but really never put much effort into. I stayed to take care of her and it set my life back years, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. 

My advise to you is to proceed as you are, you have been slowly evolving into your own life, and that's how it should work. Your mom has had plenty of time to get things in place for herself, she can lease the property and barn and collect money that way, she can try to run thins herself and hire some help or even barter help for stall rental. Or she can sell the place and move into someplace where she can manage for herself. It's great that you are concerned for your mom, you certainly should be, but she is taking the easy way by expecting you to take care of her forever, that's not fair to you. 

Maybe you could help her with the planning for the future, help her get things set up so she can live independent of you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You've already made your decision. I won't be party to absolving your guilt. Its there for a reason. Good luck.


Surely you can't be serious??? :surprise:

OP, you are NOT obliged to put your life on hold for your mother, and a loving mother would NEVER expect you to! You can still help her out, you'll be close by, but you do NOT have to live with her.

Would you seriously expect YOUR child to put their entire life on hold, forgo a chance at happiness for you? Of course not, that would be a despicable thing to do.

Your mum sounds extremely difficult and unreasonable. You reap what you sow. 

Don't let her guilt you into giving up your life - you're here for a good time, not a long time!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

@frusdil

She didn't come here to honestly ask if she should take care of her mother.

She came here to get validation for a decision she had already made.

Who is guilting her?

Her mother or herself?

I see no evidence YET of her mother asking her to take care of her.

I also did not ask her to put her life on hold.

A LOT of assumptions are being made from the few words I expressed. 

For the record OP.. I have a mentally ill mother with codependency in my family. I've been around the block in many ways you cannot even imagine yet. So do not assume I haven't been in your shoes. I've been in them in spades.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

As the mother of a young lady, I would never expect my child to put her life on hold to care for me. We have had lengthy conversations about this, I have let her know that if the time comes that her dad and I need care, then, she is to put us in a facility (hopefully a good one).

I want my daughter to live a happy fulfilled life. I want her to live her dreams. Find someone she can love and be loved in return. To have a family and grow as a women.

I would never expect her to put her life on hold for me. I would feel very guilty and worried if she was to do that. 

But I guess that is the logical approach for a mother who is mentally healthy.

My advice to you is to keep the plans that you have for your farm. You are only 15 minutes away, hire someone to expand what you are doing to incorporate both farms. So that way, your mum's farm is still generating income to pay her bills. And you can take care of yourself and grow your business. 

Your mother can live 20-30 years more. No one should expect you to give up your life to take care of your mother. Of course she is going to miss you but that is life. Our kids grow up and move on with their lives. It's the natural process. 

Sit down and make a plan so that she has a steady income from her farm. Because she is most likely not going to be able to do for herself.
Set things up so that she is being taken care of financially and then go on and grow your business and live your life. 

Good luck.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

FYI the examples you use of your mum being unreasonable are really not very good ones.

That is her house he was living in. She has every right to say no to another dog and say no to a child moving in. It sounds like she has enough problems without multiple pets and young children becoming part of her everyday life. 

As for your original question. Just move to your new place but regularly go and see her and help her where she needs it. I strongly believe that we should do whatever we can to help our family. That doesn't mean you have to live in the same house. Just don't abandon her.

Also, your sister needs to start pulling her weight.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JJG said:


> FYI the examples you use of your mum being unreasonable are really not very good ones.
> 
> That is her house he was living in. She has every right to say no to another dog and say no to a child moving in. It sounds like she has enough problems without multiple pets and young children becoming part of her everyday life.
> 
> ...


Agree... her reasons for not having a boyfriend for ten years are also disingenuous. Her Mom isn't to blame for that either.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, live your own life. You have made the right decision. You need to have your own space.

You don't owe your mother a living. If living in her farm is not a lifestyle that she can sustain, she should downscale. Sell the farm that she cannot sustain. Do not fall on the guilt trip. This will destroy your life. Your sister recognized this. Going to grad school and moving away is her way of getting out from this unhealthy situation.

You need to look at your mother the way she really is. She looks for someone to take care of her and did not look after herself financially. After 35 years, she cheated on your father and married her affair partner until he died after 18 years. She is dependent on you to provide for her after your stepfather passed away. She is a difficult person to top it all. 

Move away to your farm and save yourself. See a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. You're in the right path to independence.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

You guys are right, the examples I used sucked. I was a bit inebriated last night, and depressed over the whole situation, not making things real clear. 

The truth of it is all takes too long to explain. The same struggle still exists though, my mom is capable of taking care of herself even though she never has. If she had ever joined the work force previously in her life, she could still have a job today, but who would hire a 60 yo woman with, no work history, with a bad back, who takes way too many pain pills all day long. I still feel obligated to care for her. I have not yet made up my mind though, for all I know this man and I could break up before my property is ready to move on to, nothing is forever. My mom is very dramatic. I have over heard her telling people "She still loves him, I cant win" So me having a man I Love is a loss to her. Me staying here with her until she dies, is a win. She was very angry at me when I first bought the property. She has been more supportive of it all since, but I know its hard for her to act positive about it. Neither of my choices are easy, they will both cause heartache for me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> You guys are right, the examples I used sucked. I was a bit inebriated last night, and depressed over the whole situation, not making things real clear.
> 
> The truth of it is all takes too long to explain. The same struggle still exists though, my mom is capable of taking care of herself even though she never has. If she had ever joined the work force previously in her life, she could still have a job today, but who would hire a 60 yo woman with, no work history, with a bad back, who takes way too many pain pills all day long. I still feel obligated to care for her. I have not yet made up my mind though, for all I know this man and I could break up before my property is ready to move on to, nothing is forever. My mom is very dramatic. I have over heard her telling people "She still loves him, I cant win" So me having a man I Love is a loss to her. Me staying here with her until she dies, is a win. She was very angry at me when I first bought the property. She has been more supportive of it all since, but I know its hard for her to act positive about it. Neither of my choices are easy, they will both cause heartache for me.


Has anyone in your family or yourself pursued addiction and codependency work?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

JJG said:


> FYI the examples you use of your mum being unreasonable are really not very good ones.
> 
> That is her house he was living in. She has every right to say no to another dog and say no to a child moving in. It sounds like she has enough problems without multiple pets and young children becoming part of her everyday life.
> 
> ...


So. .....having your own child there, and a second dog on a working farm is beyond reasonable bounds? He made a smart choice to get away. This mom is unreasonable and has her own interests as a priority. Mom is entitled to do so. ....but should not be surprised that she drives persons off.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like your Mom has never lived alone - your dad, your stepdad and now you. She may find that she likes living by herself. If she doesn't, she has no one to blame but herself.

Start your life. Your Mom will get along fine enough with you checking on her. She may have made a fuss about your boyfriend because she wants to keep you all to herself. Her security blanket. Don't indulge the guilt. It will lessen as you see that she is capable of living alone. If she claims she isn't, tell her that you're sure the State runs some nice nursing homes. She might reevaluate her position. Good luck.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> No, he has moved out, he no longer lives here, only lived here for a couple months. SHe will not allow him to live on her property again. Its true, in the end he did snap and disrespect her, but only after putting up with almost 3 months of abuse from her (and me begging him to wait it out, she will calm down soon but I was wrong she didnt), but he didnt disrespect her in the ways you are thinking. He yelled at her and she said it scared her (but not too much I guess because she came out and tried to start a fight with him as we were driving away). None of this is the issue anyway though.
> 
> He moved out and got the 2nd dog he was planning on, he is a grown man and will get a 2nd dog and at his own place if he wants, he is not going to change his life to suit my moms life, and my moms rules do NOT suit him, so he moved out. I already OWN my own property, bought it this summer, and am building it up. I don't intend to move out and then move mom in with me and have the problems continue. She HATES him, she will not live on the same property as him. She has her own house anyway! I desperately want to have my own life, have a love life, I can't do while living with my mom. At the same time, I am extremely guilty about wanting to separate from my mom and live my own life, leaving her alone, thats the only issue at hand really.
> 
> ...


Why does she hate him so much? Is it jealousy?

What about a long term plan of her living on her own for a while and maybe building a house on your land eventually? Then she'd be close but not in the same house as you and your boyfriend?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you should live your life. If needed you can supply a bit if monetary assistance with the mortgage, directly to the mortgage imo, not cash in hand, just because that always ends up in a sh1t fight about not getting enough or claims that you never gave it.

You've given up plenty already.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

JJG said:


> That is her house he was living in. She has every right to say no to another dog and say no to a child moving in. It sounds like she has enough problems without multiple pets and young children becoming part of her everyday life.


They moved in to help her! Are they seriously expected to give up their pets? What about the child? Put her in foster care?

Come on, your adult child moves in to help you out, you need to be a bit accommodating. Jeez.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

When my parents got old i told them to start living in the real world, like everyone else. I'm not looking after the acreage. You both are to old to do it. So you either fkn sell it and get a maintenance free condo or apartment, or you stay there and let the bank take it back and having nothing to show for a life's worth of building up the farm. 

Then...I went home and slept like a baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

You are going to keep feeling guilty about all of this if your mom is saying particularly guilt-inducing statements to your other relatives, who then tell you. My mom recently went through a similar situation, and it didn't get better.

My mom is one of 4 daughters. Their dad passed away at the age of 80 and left their mom (also 80) alone in a big house. Two sisters moved away and one other sister in the area was abusive towards their mom and so they had to change the locks. My grandma kept calling my mom all the time and playing mind games about her coming over or not and saying cruel things to her. When we would go visit her, she would be nice and then flip a switch and say cruel things to everyone. Eventually my mom got to the point where she was crying every day and feeling guilty constantly that she was living an hours drive from her mom. She felt like she was the only one responsible because the other sisters wouldn't help take care of their mom. In the end my mom decided to put her life first and move another hour farther away for a job opportunity. 

My grandma got even more lonely and stopped eating food. One night my mom was thinking about making the drive down to see her and try again to get her to a doctor's. But she didn't go because it was already dark and she was exhausted from work. She got to her mom's house early the next morning instead. It turns out that my grandma had tried to get up to go to the bathroom and had fallen. My mom found her mom lying on the ground, very cold and half gray in color. She immediately rushed her to the hospital but she ended up dying two days later. My mom was wracked with guilt and felt like it was completely her fault that her mom died when she did. She blames herself for moving and causing her mother to be sad and refusing to eat food or see doctors. But my grandma just didn't have a lot of will to live after her husband passed away and was purposefully not eating because she wanted her life to be over at that point. 

You said you are just 15 minutes away from your mom. I don't think you should be feeling THIS guilty. You tried as best as you could to live with her but it didn't work out. You are close enough to come running when she needs you but to have your own space for your life.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you for the input everyone. I am just continuing on with building up my property as I can afford it, and continue to remind my mom that she does have plenty of opportunities to make money from the farm, or rent it out and get an apartment in town or something. It sucks too because I want to be all excited about every little bit of progress on my land, but its just upsetting to her so I have to try to remember to not talk to her about it too much.


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