# i need a christian perspective... please



## TryingToForgetHim

I dated my husband 3 years before we finally tied the knot. Now being married for 7 years i recently found out he has same sex attractions. I discovered that he enjoys straight and homosexual porno, frequently visits strip clubs and sex shops and he has surfed online looking for male escorts. He said he has never acted out on these things but because he was molested by a female and male at a young age he has gender attraction confusion.

We have two beautiful kids and i would be lying if i said i dont love my husband but how does someone continue a relationship knowing this information? I am a christian and try to lean on my faith in every aspect of my life but i know this is not productive in allowing my marriage to be ministry. 

My kids constantly ask me where is daddy, being only 2yrs, and 4yrs old Ive made up things. It breaks my heart that im in this situation. It pains me because i cant deny my love for him but i also cannot pretend i now do not know the truth. My first mind told me to see what he wanted to do because i myself did not have any answers so i printed out divorce documents to see if he was telling me to rebuild our marriage or just telling me so we could dissolve THE marriage. He stated he cannot make a promise that he wont ever have these feelings and he doesnt want to hurt me anymore but him giving up hurts.

I have since filed for divorce and am in the 60 day waiting period. But inside im still torn. We dont talk he barely speaks to the kids, should i just walk away or ask him if he wants to try counseling? I just dont know what to do...


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## Mr Blunt

Yes I would ask him if he wants to try counseling. Maybe there is a chance that he can get a lot better. In addition, you will feel better if you know that you tried everything 100% before you got divorced, if that is what happens.

You have indicated that he has given up. If that is the case then I would advice you to make a plan to divorce and rebuild your life. You have stated that this situation is not productive and pains you. *Without him getting better, and some professionals say this will get worse, you will have great damage done to your personhood.*

It is obvious that your husband is lusting after males and females and he has taken deliberate actions to feed that lust. *You are scripturally sound if you what to get a divorce*.

You have two children and you love you husband. You will need to get help in order to minimize the pain if he does not get better. *DO NOT hesitate to get ALL the help you can from all sources; your emotional health is dependant on that help*. You will have to stretch your faith to the limit and come to learn to trust in God with all your might. That will test you to the limit. When you do that you will be much better and stronger. It is always best to trust God first then yourself with life’s most difficult challenges. Your husband has chosen to go against God’s word and this is starting to destroy you. *However, this pain can be used by you to get much spiritually stronger.* 

You cannot trust your husband as he is very weak. Your husband is in bondage and it will take a lot more than you to get him out. *Millions of woman have divorced and made a good life for themselves and so can you!*


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## somethingelse

Has he shown any sign at all of remorse or concern? Is he a christian man?


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## TryingToForgetHim

He has stated repeatedly that he is sorry but has not done anything to repair our marriage or the broken pieces he has left us with. When we first met I was attracted to him because of the Love of God he had but now I don't see God in anything he is doing.

I feel like he would need to be the one to make a honest decision within his self to change and he stated that he sees a therapist for his sexual indiscretions and another for his anxiety I hope he is actually using these avenues but I don't know if none of what he says is true anymore.

My heart hurts and my love just isn't here one day and gone tomorrow which is why I find myself torn.

He said he doesn't want to try to repair the marriage because hes failed so many times, but I just want him to fix it. Should he be the one suggesting marriage counseling or should I just do it...

I already filed for divorce after he said he didn't want to try because he feels he would hurt me


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## ramgoolams

First, you are a very powerful woman for taking on these complexities. Your post subject requests "a christian perspective". Then open Matthew and start reading, pray often (two + times a day), the answer will come. Yes, make your marriage a ministry, make your entire life a ministry. "Do unto others...". Finally, divorce is not the end; continue to seek Him, share your Love of Him to your husband. I will include you in my prayers.


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## Mr Blunt

> He said he doesn't want to try to repair the marriage because hes failed so many times, but I just want him to fix it. Should he be the one suggesting marriage counseling or should I just do it...
> 
> I already filed for divorce after he said he didn't want to try because he feels he would hurt me


Your husband maybe really down about failing to repair the marriage but I can’t help but think that he is also using that as an excuse. His marriage is not the most important thing on his mind he has other agendas that he is making his priorities. Those priorities are in opposition to scriptures.


Blunt


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## eyuop

TryingToForgetHim said:


> I dated my husband 3 years before we finally tied the knot. Now being married for 7 years i recently found out he has same sex attractions. I discovered that he enjoys straight and homosexual porno, frequently visits strip clubs and sex shops and he has surfed online looking for male escorts. He said he has never acted out on these things but because he was molested by a female and male at a young age he has gender attraction confusion.
> 
> We have two beautiful kids and i would be lying if i said i dont love my husband but how does someone continue a relationship knowing this information? I am a christian and try to lean on my faith in every aspect of my life but i know this is not productive in allowing my marriage to be ministry.
> 
> My kids constantly ask me where is daddy, being only 2yrs, and 4yrs old Ive made up things. It breaks my heart that im in this situation. It pains me because i cant deny my love for him but i also cannot pretend i now do not know the truth. My first mind told me to see what he wanted to do because i myself did not have any answers so i printed out divorce documents to see if he was telling me to rebuild our marriage or just telling me so we could dissolve THE marriage. He stated he cannot make a promise that he wont ever have these feelings and he doesnt want to hurt me anymore but him giving up hurts.
> 
> I have since filed for divorce and am in the 60 day waiting period. But inside im still torn. We dont talk he barely speaks to the kids, should i just walk away or ask him if he wants to try counseling? I just dont know what to do...


As a godly woman, you need to do the things that you need to do for you and for the kids. You cannot control your husband. He has to make his own choices and you your own choices. I would seek counseling for you and the kids, and if he is willing to go, then he could also get counseling, too. Counseling does not mean you will not separate. It just means that you all can get some professional help for your situation. 

Let me just tell you that this isn't the first time I've heard such a story -- and actually the other story (both Christians, too) turned out for the better (they are still married and their 3 kids are raised now). They almost divorced, but he decided that he needed to surrender that area of his life to Christ and they remained married. Things never changed (as far as the same-sex attractions), but he became committed to his marriage and waged war on his own emotions through counseling and focusing on more important things in life than his own urges.

I don't know how his/your story will end. I do know that if he is being unfaithful to you, and will not turn from his path, then I believe strongly that you need to separate and heal (legal separation or divorce). Just putting up with it is dangerous for you and the kids -- and isn't even Biblical.


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## rainwife

I don’t see anything in the bible about “divorce on grounds of homosexual tendencies.” Yes it says not to have sex with men, and it says you can divorce over adultery.. But he hasn’t committed it yet?

I am a bit anti porn myself. That would have been my first issue. Porn is often a gateway thing in my opinion. It starts out all right but before you know it you need raunchier and more hardcore stuff. I honestly am a bit shocked you are divorcing over this. I myself think that is a bit quick. No counseling? Not talking about it? No compromise as in.. Give up porn? 

I can see how he can make no promises to not be attracted to gay stuff… can you right here and now make a promise to not ever be attracted or look at another person male or female with attraction? I doubt you can honestly. Who can? It’s what we do with our actions and thoughts. I’m attracted to other people I just don’t act on it or masturbate to it or fantasies about it. I tell my spouse he is mostly supportive and we move on… I hope that’s how its suppose to go.. I would be so startled if I told him one day I thought girls where attractive and he gave me divorce papers. It would seem like such an abandonment of our marriage, of the commitment of “you can tell me anything.” I doubt I would do anything to reconcile the marriage either, I would feel so gutted that he just left me! Confused that when I was in need my spouse did not honor or vows. I mean I think it’s a sickness that’s right there in the front of the vows, sickness and health right?

You can’t be judge jury and executioner. Go to a councilor. I think even a Christian one will tell you its not abnormal to have a flash of attraction for other people, yes even of the same sex! What crosses the line absolutely for a christen man is the porn; I would assume gay porn so much more so. But I’m not a councilor. I just know that I have thought my boyfriends in past guilty of perverse and wrong things only to find out in counseling it is quite normal and he was just sharing an intimacy with me and I didn’t deal with it well.


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## RoninJedi

rainwife said:


> I don’t see anything in the bible about “divorce on grounds of homosexual tendencies.” Yes it says not to have sex with men, and it says you can divorce over adultery.. But he hasn’t committed it yet?


"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, *That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart*." (emphasis added)

That is Jesus Himself talking in Matthew 5:27-28. I think it's safe to assume the same is true for homosexual lusts.

OP, I am of the opinion that you should do everything you possibly can to make this work, heal the hurt going on, and help your husband get on track. However, unfortunately you can't do it for him, and nothing will ever change if he doesn't get off his butt and do the changing.

You are 100% biblically eligible for divorce. To say this is sad is a pitiful understatement, but if he refuses to change, then this is probably for the better.

You, your husband, and especially your children are added to my prayers.


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## HisQueen7413

I can not imagine what you are feeling are going through in dealing with this specific circumstance. 

Something that has helped me in life is that NOBODY is perfect and NOBODY will ever be good enough for anyone. It is not our job to make anyone see their mistakes. We have to pray for people and especially our spouses, ask the Lord to work out in him the things that he cannot work out in himself. Of course your husband will fill like he will disappoint you because he will, he is human. With Christ ALL things are possible even him being delivered from all that he is in. I did not understand a lot of things about my husband until just recently when God had to show me that what he is living in is bondage. I don't believe that people necessarily want to always stay in the sin they are in but just cant seem to allow themselves to come to the point of humility. It is not easy to be humbled and it is definitely something that we all try to fight at some point in our lives. If you just seek God for yourself and ask him to help work out the problems in you that are coming from all of this then I am certain that he will work out whatever it is that is going on in your husband. Trust God and know that he has your best interest at heart and if you just cry out to him for grace and mercy he will definitely give you the answers to the questions you have regarding your marriage. Pray, pray, pray. In all things pray and wait to hear from the Lord before you act out and do anything. 

Blessings to you and I will be praying for you.


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## ManOhMan2013

TryingToForgetHim said:


> I dated my husband 3 years before we finally tied the knot. Now being married for 7 years i recently found out he has same sex attractions. I discovered that he enjoys straight and homosexual porno, frequently visits strip clubs and sex shops and he has surfed online looking for male escorts. He said he has never acted out on these things but because he was molested by a female and male at a young age he has gender attraction confusion.
> 
> We have two beautiful kids and i would be lying if i said i dont love my husband but how does someone continue a relationship knowing this information? I am a christian and try to lean on my faith in every aspect of my life but i know this is not productive in allowing my marriage to be ministry.
> 
> My kids constantly ask me where is daddy, being only 2yrs, and 4yrs old Ive made up things. It breaks my heart that im in this situation. It pains me because i cant deny my love for him but i also cannot pretend i now do not know the truth. My first mind told me to see what he wanted to do because i myself did not have any answers so i printed out divorce documents to see if he was telling me to rebuild our marriage or just telling me so we could dissolve THE marriage. He stated he cannot make a promise that he wont ever have these feelings and he doesnt want to hurt me anymore but him giving up hurts.
> 
> I have since filed for divorce and am in the 60 day waiting period. But inside im still torn. We dont talk he barely speaks to the kids, should i just walk away or ask him if he wants to try counseling? I just dont know what to do...



Hold it, you filed for divorce before you even went to counseling? Are you for real? I'm sorry for sounding unkind but why on earth didn't you try every avenue available before going down the divorce route??? 

Let me tell you, if your husband is attracted to the same sex it might be something he will struggle with for the rest of his life. That's just my guess. But as long as he doesn't act out of it I don't believe it's considered a sin.

Could it be that deep down inside you want out but am not admitting it to yourself? 

Do your children a favor. Go for marriage counseling before you get a divorce. Give it time and try hard.


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## JustHer

OP, if you are still here I would like to offer another point of view.

I understand how you are feeling. You feel as if you have been betrayed, your marriage and your mutual commitment to God has been betrayed. You are hurt and more than likely you are going through the stages of bereavement for the losses you have incurred.

Your husband is also going through some very difficult things. He was abused as a child. An innocent child. This left him with scarring only Christ himself can understand. Now, because of the gross sin of others, he is left with this huge issue he has to face daily. He knows it is sinful to feel the way he does and to look at those pictures, etc. and he probably hates himself for it. He sees himself as an unforgivable sinner who is unworthy of love from you and God.

No wonder he has given up and is not trying to repair your marriage. He is living in a black abyss. Without help form one of Gods earthly angels (you) he will continue his downward spiral. He needs help.

No, he cannot guarantee he will never sin again. We will all sin again. But what we all do is try, repent, and try again.

What your H is struggling with and what he does is very hurtful to you. I understand this. But wouldn't it be worth it to at least try counseling first? If he can get support from a counselor, a church leader and maybe you, he might be able to work through this.

Yes there is always a chance it could progress into actual actions. But there is a chance that all of us could have that kind of hurt from our partners. Everyone has their free agency to act upon their thoughts or to try to suppress their thoughts. It is an individual journey we are on, but we have a better chance of being successful if we help hold each other up.


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## Tony Conrad

One of the answers is openess and accountability to his peers in his church. There will be others with porn problems in his church. Confessing it to another halves the problem and makes it more likely that he will get the answers. Porn is a mental adultery that has no place in a christians walk with God. He needs to declare war on it in agreement with others. These things can thrive in solitude.


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## jac70

Tony Conrad said:


> One of the answers is openess and accountability to his peers in his church. There will be others with porn problems in his church. Confessing it to another halves the problem and makes it more likely that he will get the answers. Porn is a mental adultery that has no place in a christians walk with God. He needs to declare war on it in agreement with others. These things can thrive in solitude.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## frusdil

Your husband is not a sinner for being attracted to other men, any more than he would be if he were attracted to other women. Gay men and women are not evil or sinners. They are simply the way they are.

No amount of counselling/bible study/church intervention will change your husbands sexual preferences. None.


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## Syzygy

If he has cheated on you, biblically speaking, you are free to divorce him. If you find yourself wavering, ask yourself if you want to live this way for the remainder of your marriage (or your life).

He must want to change his sexual feelings. Anything is possible with God. He can do it through prayer (I've heard of many examples), but you cannot do it for him.


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