# Husband gave away almost $1400 in a week



## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

So I have an issue with my husband. Ok so he was furloughed from his job so he was scheduled to receive unemployment. I keep asking did he get his card yet that contained it...of course his answer was no until he said he had to get his mail from his mom. So he got his mail and got the card however almost 1400 dollars was missing from the card. We got to arguing and he never told me the truth of where the money went to, he said multiple stories he wanted to help his family. Next story was someone told him they felt bad and Told him the money was gone etc. But here is the real kicker the transactions took place on may 5 until may 14 and they were multiple transactions in the same day with cash back from walmart. One from an atm and all the others from Walmart with cash back. I am furious because he lied about the card as I believe he knew something because on May 6 at 3:16 he called same number he used to check balance on 15th of may when he got card. I feel betrayed as I carry 4/5 of all the Bills in the home and he carries only 1/5 and I always tell him what income I have coming in. And we are carrying a lot of debt and he was only giving 400 to 600 a month towards expenses and I am truly hurt behind it all. I feel like I lost my best friend in the mist of this. I am at a loss of what to do now. As I no longer trust him because he said that if he is fine with it,that is what it should be as he is the man of the house. I am still upset.what should I do?2


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you pay 4/5ths of all the bills. That's 80%. Do you make 80% of the joint income?

Something that is unclear in your post is when your husband got us unemployment card. Did he lie to you and tell you that he did have it yet, but all the while actually have the card and taking money out?

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children?

I think you have two choices here.

1) come up with the way you want finances handled and let him know that's the way it's going to be. You can negotiate some with him but you would need to put your foot down on tis.

or

2) just divorce him and no longer have this problem.


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

ok we have been married for almost 4 years and we have no kids together but I have kids from previous relationships. When I did the math I did it with me taking on the most because I had brought kids into the marriage. I thought we were putting our money together for our greater good because I allowed him to save while I took on the bulk of the financial aspects and worked two jobs just to make sure we had while he does that. I feel betrayed as he said he did not have the card when in fact I believe he did and he knew his was allowing his family to burn that kinda money made me sick to my stomach because that is more than what I make in a month on my part time job just to have it burned out in a week. I love him but I was always told a man is supposed to carry a household and he has not been carrying or household so when I found this out that he had 1400 to giveaway and had the nerve to complain on debt. I don't see how... but anyways this was an eye opener for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children? Do you get child support from their father?

Are your children with you 100% of the time? Or do they spend time with their father?

Did his family members, the ones he gave money to, did they lose their income due to the shutdown? Is there some special reason, like them being suddenly is some dire straights that he felt he had to help them?

So how do you want to see things change?


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

My children are 15,11,6,4, and 3. And yes I do receive support from their father and they spend most of the time with us.Here is the kicker I don't honesty know if that is where the money really went to as it was several transactions of a period of time with cash back and I don't have a good relationship with his family as he does not want me around them and they are funny people. I don't know what I am actually looking for here because I honesty do not think I can trust him because he has lied before and with holding info on money is really a kicker for me as i was always up front with him about what money I had coming into the home.my husband has 3 other brothers and a half brother so I don't see them being in dire straights as his mom had gotten new furniture and redoing her house prior to this. I don't trust him and I now don't put anything past him or his family as they treat me as an outsider. and background his mom would ask me for stuff and I would do it for her but he told me i didn't have to and she could do it herself which is also why I find this to be suspicious. Then he said someone told him the money was missing, then he said he wasn't gonna tell me who because of drama etc, we got to fighting and right now I am not the same person as I feel betrayed


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why on EARTH do you stay married to such a sneaky, lying loser?

Please make me *understand* why you would even waste your time with some deadbeat who thinks it's perfectly FINE to live off his wife and contribute the absolute *MINIMUM* while _you're _expected to do all the heavy financial lifting? I get that you have a lot of kids and he shouldn't be responsible for supporting them all, but at the same time, this freeloader would STILL be paying a mortgage or rent even if you all *weren't* there.

He'd STILL be paying for heating, electricity, cable, insurance, his cell phone, gas and incidentals REGARDLESS if you were there or not. While the heat and electricity might be less without you, the fact remains that he would have to pay ALL those things if you weren't there. So it seems to me Mr. Wonderful is a complete freeloader getting a free ride off of YOU.

Does he look like Brad Pitt or something? Is he going to inherit millions of dollars one day? I honestly don't get it. I truly don't.

The *only* one benefiting from this marriage is Prince Charming. He gets most of his expenses paid for him and I'm *also* willing to bet that he doesn't do jack **** around the house. You lucky, lucky lady.



> *I honesty do not think I can trust him because he has lied before and with holding info on money is really a kicker for me as i was always up front with him about what money I had coming into the home *


I'm not surprised at all. He has NO integrity or character at ALL. He's a freeloading opportunist living off your back like a parasite. I wouldn't be surprised if he were on drugs or spending it on strippers because quite honestly, the guy is a lying low life who's only apparent interest is in pleasing himself. 

I would kick his worthless ass out the front door so damned hard even his mother would feel it.


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on EARTH do you stay married to such a sneaky, lying loser?
> 
> Please make me *understand* why you would even waste your time with some deadbeat who thinks it's perfectly FINE to live off his wife and contribute the absolute *MINIMUM* while _you're _expected to do all the heavy financial lifting? I get that you have a lot of kids and he shouldn't be responsible for supporting them all, but at the same time, this freeloader would STILL be paying a mortgage or rent even if you all *weren't* there.
> 
> ...


Sigh, no he does not look like Brad Pitt. No he will not inherit anything that I know of. I got with him because he was a nice guy at the time. He didn't have much to begin with He was taking the bus and biking to work and stayed in a rooming house. I loved him for him. I saw past him not having and his flaws just to ignore some issues with his character that I did not realize as he is an introvert or so I thought. flags for me should have been when he deleted his fb account once we got married and how he did not want me around his family etc. He always tends to say bad things about me(this is when i question him on things) and I always said good things about him despite what he has done to me.Its just now I am facing the sad reality of my choice. Like I told him. He is not the man I knew. The man I am with now is a whole different one and this joker is everything but what I grew to love. I am lost. I know what I must do but its hard for me as I do love him but I am holding on to what it was. Now our marriage is different because he has lost my trust. Its not about the money soo much more so about the lying as he lies to my face as I could see him smoking a cigarette and he claims I am seeing stuff and he has been hiding that he was drinking beers. I wish him well regardless. It just hurts that its not an us in this marriage but its a me and you deal


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> Like I told him. He is not the man I knew. The man I am with now is a whole different one and this joker is everything but what I grew to love.


Sometimes, a person changes after they marry. It's like they are one person when they date. But their idea of what it means to be a husband (or wife) is very different. So as a spouse, they emulate the example they learned growing up watching their own parents.

Or it could be the old "Now that I got you (married you) I can relax and be my real self.



Poquitodefe said:


> I am lost. I know what I must do but its hard for me as I do love him but I am holding on to what it was. Now our marriage is different because he has lost my trust. Its not about the money soo much more so about the lying as he lies to my face as I could see him smoking a cigarette and he claims I am seeing stuff and he has been hiding that he was drinking beers. I wish him well regardless. It just hurts that its not an us in this marriage but its a me and you deal


It's sad but it does sound like divorce is the only good option you have here.


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes, a person changes after they marry. It's like they are one person when they date. But their idea of what it means to be a husband (or wife) is very different.


Yea and it is at that point I cry the most at divorce because I view divorce as a death of oneself as I seem to already died a spiritual death behind this incident. I lost my best friend . I have mentioned divorce to him and that i lost my best friend and he said I got other friends and I never wanted or loved him anyways. And he said if I want it I need to get it cause he made it clear to me that he is not going to do it. I believed in my vows.... as in my previous relationship I was not married but now I am and it sucks to have it go down like this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> Yea and it is at that point I cry the most at divorce because I view divorce as a death of oneself as I seem to already died a spiritual death behind this incident. I lost my best friend .


I think I understand how your feel. I've been married/divorce twice. In both my marriages it was similar in that the guy seemed to be a very different person before we married. It's so bazar. But I've come to learn that it happens fairly often.. sadly.


Poquitodefe said:


> I have mentioned divorce to him and that i lost my best friend and he said I got other friends and *I never wanted or loved him anyways.* And he said if I want it I need to get it cause he made it clear to me that he is not going to do it. I believed in my vows.... as in my previous relationship I was not married but now I am and it sucks to have it go down like this.


That's just him trying to make you feel guitly. He's not even trying to save his marriage.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Do your children know what's going on? How are they handling things?


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Sigh...my middle son knows... the little ones seem unfazed. My oldest has been on a trip and is unaware. My heart breaks for the little ones as they adore him. In their eyes he still can not do wrong. I am thankful for your responses as I needed to vent and feel normal as he made me feel like I was the crazy one in all of this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Poquitodefe said:


> Yea and it is at that point I cry the most at divorce because I view divorce as a death of oneself as I seem to already died a spiritual death behind this incident. *I lost my best friend *. I have mentioned divorce to him and that i lost my best friend and he said I got other friends and I never wanted or loved him anyways. And he said if I want it I need to get it cause he made it clear to me that he is not going to do it. I believed in my vows.... as in my previous relationship I was not married but now I am and it sucks to have it go down like this.


No you haven't honey. You've only lost the man you _thought_ he was. Turns out, that man doesn't exist. The reality is, you haven't really lost anything at all.

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I know it hurts.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Also - regardless of whether his family are in dire straits or not, he should be discussing it with you, his wife, _before_ giving them (or anyone else) any money.


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

frusdil said:


> No you haven't honey. You've only lost the man you _thought_ he was. Turns out, that man doesn't exist. The reality is, you haven't really lost anything at all.
> 
> I'm so sorry for your pain, and I know it hurts.


Thank you for your insight as it is helpful to me


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Also - regardless of whether his family are in dire straits or not, he should be discussing it with you, his wife, _before_ giving them (or anyone else) any money.


I thought the same but when I asked him where it went to he never fully came out with the truth...all he said was that he is the man of the house and if he is ok with it. That is what it is... all kinds of mess is running through my head now


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> I thought the same but when I asked him where it went to he never fully came out with the truth...all he said was that he is the man of the house and if he is ok with it. That is what it is... all kinds of mess is running through my head now


Gee, he's the man of the house but lets his wife pay the vast majority of the bills. Does he take responsibility for anything? Does he help about the house, the yard, etc? Does he take care of the cars since he's "the man of the house"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> *Sigh...my middle son knows... the little ones seem unfazed.* My oldest has been on a trip and is unaware. My heart breaks for the little ones as they adore him. In their eyes he still can not do wrong. I am thankful for your responses as I needed to vent and feel normal as he made me feel like I was the crazy one in all of this.


What does your middle son say about all this?


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

We should separate and he ran and told his dad what occurred to and it caused another rift between me and his dad too


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Gee, he's the man of the house but lets his wife pay the vast majority of the bills. Does he take responsibility for anything? Does he help about the house, the yard, etc? Does he take care of the cars since he's "the man of the house"?


We are in an apt.. I was gonna use my savings for house...hence why I feel jaded he had 1400 to giveaway. And no I have to remind him about the cars. He plays video games and he sometimes helps with the kids. I miss the man I once had as this new man that he has become is a snake


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> We should separate and he ran and told his dad what occurred to and it caused another rift between me and his dad too.


Oh boy. I'm sure the last thing you need is a problem with your ex. Hopefully you can just ignore the ex. As long as your children are safe he really has no say in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> We are in an apt.. I was gonna use my savings for house...hence why I feel jaded he had 1400 to giveaway. And no I have to remind him about the cars. He plays video games and he sometimes helps with the kids. I miss the man I once had as this new man that he has become is a snake


Well, you could use your savings to by a house after your divorce this guy. 

He is showing you who is really is now.

In my way of thinking, the very fact that he allowed you to pay 4/5ths of the expenses is a HUGE red flag. Sure you have a lot of children, but you get child support so that helps cover their expenses.

Have you spoken to an attorney about divorce yet?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sounds like drugs to me. Might not want you to have contact with the family because they know. Addicts will lie their asses off and the money never comes home. Just something you should check into. 


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Sounds like drugs to me. Might not want you to have contact with the family because they know. Addicts will lie their asses off and the money never comes home. Just something you should check into.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Wow never thought of that


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Well, you could use your savings to by a house after your divorce this guy.
> 
> He is showing you who is really is now.
> 
> ...


Yes and I would have to pay spousal support and there is a clause in my 403(b) that entitles him to half despite me working for that and I am trying to get him to sign off on it so I can move it to my IRA so I can protect that


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Poquitodefe said:


> Wow never thought of that


It rang a familiar bell to me when you said he got small amounts here and there. My XH did that when he was on coke binges. Later in life I found out the the amounts were the going prices for various baggie sizes. When I called him out on the money, he told me he got into a poker game, kept losing and kept going back for more money to try to win it back. That in itself is bad enough but the truth was worse. 

Addicts are the BEST liars in the world. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you consulted with a lawyer? He would not be entitled to 1/2 of everything in your 403b - possibly only for an amount corresponding with the time married.

Since he's receiving unemployment because he was furloughed, you may have little support to pay. Find out the true numbers.

I don't understand how you have been married almost 4 years, have a 3 year old and yet he is not the father?


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you consulted with a lawyer? He would not be entitled to 1/2 of everything in your 403b - possibly only for an amount corresponding with the time married.
> 
> Since he's receiving unemployment because he was furloughed, you may have little support to pay. Find out the true numbers.
> 
> I don't understand how you have been married almost 4 years, have a 3 year old and yet he is not the father?


I met him while I was pregnant with her after leaving a bad situation with my ex who was a narcissist. I met him at the job we used to work at. i was not interested in him at first but he grew on me once I came back to work after maternity leave. Well most of that 403(b) was while we were married . Things not looking soo good because I came in with more than what he had. Now I understand the equally yoked meaning. I should have known better


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> It rang a familiar bell to me when you said he got small amounts here and there. My XH did that when he was on coke binges. Later in life I found out the the amounts were the going prices for various baggie sizes. When I called him out on the money, he told me he got into a poker game, kept losing and kept going back for more money to try to win it back. That in itself is bad enough but the truth was worse.
> 
> Addicts are the BEST liars in the world.
> 
> ...


sigh.... that is scary. real scary..


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Poquitodefe said:


> sigh.... that is scary. real scary..


And something else...their families will bury their heads in the sand because admitting the truth looks bad on them. I could go on a diatribe about that but you think about it and pay attention...to EVERYTHING.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Poquitodefe said:


> Yes and I would have to pay spousal support and there is a clause in my 403(b) that entitles him to half despite me working for that and I am trying to get him to sign off on it so I can move it to my IRA so I can protect that





Poquitodefe said:


> I met him while I was pregnant with her after leaving a bad situation with my ex who was a narcissist. I met him at the job we used to work at. i was not interested in him at first but he grew on me once I came back to work after maternity leave. Well most of that 403(b) was while we were married . Things not looking soo good because I came in with more than what he had. Now I understand the equally yoked meaning. I should have known better


Anything you brought into the marriage is sole property. For example if you had savings when you married him, that's sole property. There could be an issue if you mixed them with marital income. But if you have good records, which are easy to get these days, you can prove the amount of the funds that are sole property. Talk to an attorney about this.

Do you know what your state laws are about alimony? Since you two have not been married very long, you might not have to pay him any after the divorce is final. You can also ask your attorney to impute his income, meaning to ask the court to consider what his income was when he was working.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Poquitodefe said:


> Sigh, no he does not look like Brad Pitt. No he will not inherit anything that I know of. I got with him because he was a nice guy at the time. He didn't have much to begin with He was taking the bus and biking to work and stayed in a rooming house.


How could he NOT be a nice &humble guy? He has NOTHING. How old was he and why, by whatever age, did he have nothing?



Poquitodefe said:


> I loved him for him.


You loved him for the persona he put up to catch a decent woman who had her poop in a group.



Poquitodefe said:


> I saw past him not having and his flaws just to ignore some issues with his character that I did not realize as he is an introvert or so I thought. flags for me should have been when he deleted his fb account once we got married and how he did not want me around his family etc.


Your spidey senses are telling you there’s something that’s not quite right. Him not wanting you around his family meshes perfectly with what I previously posted. Now I get why you had an “aha” moment. They know sh*t he don’t want you to know, they’re probably fed up with dealing with him and some are ready to blow his business up.



Poquitodefe said:


> He always tends to say bad things about me(this is when i question him on things) and I always said good things about him despite what he has done to me.


He knows he’s a piece of **** and it makes him feel better about himself if he makes (or tries to) make you look worse.



Poquitodefe said:


> Its just now I am facing the sad reality of my choice. Like I told him. He is not the man I knew. The man I am with now is a whole different one and this joker is everything but what I grew to love.


Sister...you are just NOW getting to know this man. What you love is the man (persona) that he fooled you into believing. THAT man DOESN’T EXIST. He is but a part that your husband played. You’re mourning the loss of a DREAM.



Poquitodefe said:


> I am lost. I know what I must do but its hard for me as I do love him but I am holding on to what it was.


See last paragraph 



Poquitodefe said:


> Now our marriage is different because he has lost my trust. Its not about the money soo much more so about the lying as he lies to my face as I could see him smoking a cigarette and he claims I am seeing stuff and he has been hiding that he was drinking beers. I wish him well regardless. It just hurts that its not an us in this marriage but its a me and you deal


I’m so sorry. Stop crying and get ANGRY. You should be! Make an exit plan and concentrate on that...how nice it will be to have your own place minus the stress. You will be able to BREATHE!

One last thought. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother but she did have some pearls of wisdom that I admired and have kept to my heart. Here is one:

You’re never really lost...just temporarily confused.

She was right! Hahahaaa


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And girl....you better read my words. The folks here know I don’t often post more than 3 sentences 

Must mean I mean it! 


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Poquitodefe said:


> I thought the same but when I asked him where it went to he never fully came out with the truth...all he said was that he is the man of the house and if he is ok with it. That is what it is... all kinds of mess is running through my head now


Um hell to the no on that one!!!



EleGirl said:


> Gee, he's the man of the house but lets his wife pay the vast majority of the bills. Does he take responsibility for anything? Does he help about the house, the yard, etc? Does he take care of the cars since he's "the man of the house"?


^^ So much this. He's not a man's bootlace. He's a freeloading sponge. You should call him Bob (Spongebob).


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> And something else...their families will bury their heads in the sand because admitting the truth looks bad on them. I could go on a diatribe about that but you think about it and pay attention...to EVERYTHING.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Thanks for the info...I no longer put anything past anyone after this


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Um hell to the no on that one!!!
> 
> 
> 
> ^^ So much this. He's not a man's bootlace. He's a freeloading sponge. You should call him Bob (Spongebob).


Lol


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If not drugs could be another woman.


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> How could he NOT be a nice &humble guy? He has NOTHING. How old was he and why, by whatever age, did he have nothing?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you soooooo much for your input. I am coming up with an exit plan as we speak but like my coworkers said to me I am going to have to work around him. He knows things are different and to be quite honest he does not care. Right now he is back working. Me I am off for summer break left my second job and just planning to see my students hopefully in the fall. I am passive aggressive at this point as I address issues with him. As I tell him everything he tells me back as if I am saying it. Like he said I don't want to do anything. I woke up this morning and was like Haha you got to go to work while I do nothing.his response was he didn't say that. And its stuff like that that makes me mad as he said it plain as day but denies it once I repeat it back to him. Oh well


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> If not drugs could be another woman.


I figured that one too but I need heavier evidence to back this one and I just don't have it at this time


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

Elizabeth001 said:


> And girl....you better read my words. The folks here know I don’t often post more than 3 sentences
> 
> Must mean I mean it!
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## Poquitodefe (May 25, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Anything you brought into the marriage is sole property. For example if you had savings when you married him, that's sole property. There could be an issue if you mixed them with marital income. But if you have good records, which are easy to get these days, you can prove the amount of the funds that are sole property. Talk to an attorney about this.
> 
> Do you know what your state laws are about alimony? Since you two have not been married very long, you might not have to pay him any after the divorce is final. You can also ask your attorney to impute his income, meaning to ask the court to consider what his income was when he was working.


I am going to look back into this again. Thanks for the heads up on things I can consider.


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