# I did him wrong, but what now?



## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad.... 

I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....

He told me that he wanted me to “show him that I love him.” He then proceeded to forcibly take off my clothes and force himself on me. I begged him to stop, and eventually, he did. I left that night with my children, and never went back. That was almost a year ago. Now I want people to know something about him before they call him bad names and tell me I need to report him…… He is an amazing person. He would bend over backwards for anyone and loves his children more than most people could ever dream of….. What he did that night was not him. He worships me, and he has been in therapy (so have I) ever since. Have I forgiven him? No…. But I understand it. 

Here’s my problem…. I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated. Is he good for me? No. But he’s been there for me when I needed him the most. Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him, but more… My husband wants to work this out. I wanted to as well recently, but when I try to feel something for him, nothing is there anymore. Nothing. I get angry a lot quicker with him, and I can’t stand even thinking about being intimate with him. I feel awful because this is all my fault. I had a sudden flash of selfishness that destroyed my entire family….. But I’m having a hard time forcing myself to love him again. 

What do I do? Do I stay with the guy I had an affair with? Or do I try to fix my family? I know some will tell me to just be alone, and I promise, I did that for a couple months too. I’m just not happy anymore. My life is an absolute mess, and I want to make everyone happy, but it’s killing me………. Help me, please!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You owe your husband a favor. Give him one. Stay with your affair partner.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry hon, cheaters don't get much sympathy here. Consider me snotty as well. Let your husband find some one who deserves him.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Well done grasshopper.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OP, I think that as time passes, your husband will begin to see the real you and not want you anymore, so I really don't think you will have a problem with it in the future. The best thing you can do for him is to stay away, until he is over you. Then you need to work on yourself and leave the men alone until you can be a trustworthy partner.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

lostandconfused24 said:


> It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....
> 
> I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....
> 
> ...


You will never be able to have the feelings for the man you loved and loved you while you are banging someone else. 
I suspect you are flip flopping too which is making it hard for your H to let go.
1. Dump the BF
OR
2. Dump the H forever. 


You already dumped H and your family. Any chance for your kids for that too. Your choice.

Your H will let go and you will be alone. The AP will dump you when you no longer have any value. Soon BTW.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Wow. No need to be rude please. My husband won't accept that it's over. Hence my dilemma
> I don't need any snottiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who's being rude? You asked for advice and I was forthcoming.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm going to try and be constructive without hurting your feelings by bying sarcastic.
We won't call your husband any name because even if he was about to do something stupid and hurtful, he found the force to restraint himself, which can't be said about you.

This isn't a dilemma, this is you wrecking your marriage, not wanting to do anything about it and still wanting to find a way to save your image.
I think the best thing you can do is to invite your husband to this forum so we can tell him about the 180 and what he can do to forget you.

Oh, and you came to a marriage forum to ask our opinion about whether staying or leaving the affair partner ? You can't blame people for being "rude". You're begging us to be obnoxious to you.

I'm not sarcastic about your husband being in this forum. I do think he needs some advice, guidance and tips on how to see you for what you are. Because clearly you influenced him.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

If you have to 'force' yourself to try and love your husband you never will. Let him go and find someone else

re: the single mother issue - to lump all single mothers into one slvtty pot is pretty harsh dudes


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

We are not trying to be rude, very sorry if you feel this way. Here is the problem. You broke your man, and when he tried to fix it you broke him again.
You two were having a power struggle and you won! Now go to the other man and let your husband heal and find a women that will love him and make him happy. David


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> If you have to 'force' yourself to try and love your husband you never will. Let him go and find someone else
> 
> re: the single mother issue - to lump all single mothers into one slvtty pot is pretty harsh dudes


Absolutely. If Dolly hadn't have said it, I would have. In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right? And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right? You don't know everyone's situation.

And maybe I read the OP's post wrong, but didn't he attempt to rape her? Even if they were married, he has no right to force himself on her. I'd find it pretty damned impossible to become intimate with someone that did that, too.

I'm not excusing the OP's affair. I'm just making note of the rather obvious misogyny here.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

OP, you're trying to play the victim card, on people who are very wise to this tactic. You're not the victim, so you won't convince anyone to help you when you're in the 'woe is me' mode.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Absolutely. If Dolly hadn't have said it, I would have. In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right? And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right? You don't know everyone's situation.


The kid(broken at 20) doesn't have issues with single mothers. Its just that the wise boy won't date them, given the baggage they come with. And honestly, neither would I. i see nothing wrong with stating one's preferences


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you work? 'Or are you a Stay at home mom?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you need time NOT with any man.

One guy is willing to intrude on a marriage with you.

The other had an angry impulse to sexually assault you finding that out.

And you choose to be inappropriate while married.

Seriously, I think you need to NOT be with either of them and find out why you behave destructively.

And why you are attracted to men who treat you badly.

The confusing thing for you is that they don't treat you badly 100% of the time and you don't behave badly 100% of the time either.

Learn about yourself, once you have a better handle on you only then consider romance.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Considering that marriage has very little upside for males (these days we can get sex very easily) and potentially an enormous downside, not just emotional but economic, men have to play the short odds. A woman with kids on her own is already telling us something about herself.


Yes, that she's a responsible parent who is staying with her child. I was a virgin when I met my husband. He cheated on me and left me. I have a child. Do I need to tell that story every time I meet a man to justify why I should be given a chance at a future relationship? So that I meet some kind of moral 'worth' test? Or do I abandon my child so that I can be solely devoted to 'my man'? If that's what you are saying, then fvck you and every man who thinks like you.


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## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right?


That means the woman spread 'em for the wrong Alpha toad and got the predictable result.



angelpixie said:


> And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right?


Certainly for relationships with 20 year old men, like broken. On the other hand a 50 year old man of means might be more than willing to take on a 25 year old with a little kid or two. It could be a very good fit for them both.




angelpixie said:


> You don't know everyone's situation.


What makes sense for a older man may be complete insanity for a young man. See above.



angelpixie said:


> And maybe I read the OP's post wrong, but didn't he attempt to rape her? Even if they were married, he has no right to force himself on her. I'd find it pretty damned impossible to become intimate with someone that did that, too.


If so, he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, since this has been illegal since 1993 in all 50 states. And that's yet another reason for OP to stay away from her BH. Thanks for confirming my opinion on the OP.




angelpixie said:


> I'm not excusing the OP's affair. I'm just making note of the rather obvious misogyny here.


Misogyny is the hatred of women. We aren't even hating on the OP, much less all women. I like how any criticism of female misbehavior is always labeld "misogyny." Funny sh!t.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I was speaking of your dismissal of the worth of all single mothers, and you know that.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Forgive him? Hes should also be the one forgiving you. You did act like a slvt and cheat on your husband. 

Some are good, but in general single mothers are such cans of worms, even while excluding the ones looking for a guy to play daddy to their kids. 

You're not even remorseful. Do your husband a favor and divorce. Theres no need for him to live his like with such an uncaring cheater. You would seriously be doing him a good deed because then he can go out and find a woman who only opens her legs for the one man shes chosen. 

Have him served, that way he has no choice in. 

You can be with your OM

And he gets to find a woman with morals and decency who can love and respect him as a proper wife should. 

Win win.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Yes, that she's a responsible parent who is staying with her child. I was a virgin when I met my husband. He cheated on me and left me. I have a child. Do I need to tell that story every time I meet a man to justify why I should be given a chance at a future relationship? So that I meet some kind of moral 'worth' test? Or do I abandon my child so that I can be solely devoted to 'my man'? If that's what you are saying, then fvck you and every man who thinks like you.


The question is, why do you want him to be 'your man'? Why don't you find yourself a man who is willing to have a relationship with a single mother? But I suppose those kind of men are not really attractive are they?

End of TJ

OP, I think the best thing you can do is spend some time alone, no man in your life. Cut ties with both of them and have some time for introspection.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Yes, that she's a responsible parent who is staying with her child. I was a virgin when I met my husband. He cheated on me and left me. I have a child. Do I need to tell that story every time I meet a man to justify why I should be given a chance at a future relationship? So that I meet some kind of moral 'worth' test? Or do I abandon my child so that I can be solely devoted to 'my man'? If that's what you are saying, then fvck you and every man who thinks like you.


Nobody said anything like that. But you've got to understand that your SMV is not going to be the same as a woman who has no baggage and is still a virgin. You're not going to be able to attract the younger higher SMV males with your kids in tow. An older guy? For sure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciates. Thanks...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read what I and others have told you about what to do.

Ignore the ones yelling t you and working out there own issues on you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I was speaking of your dismissal of the worth of all single mothers, and you know that.


An _honorable young man with options_ (options means attractive to women) is not going to be interested in a woman who already has kids. Think about it. The sexual market place is still a market place, but it's also an economic mine field for a young man. The woman will find some guy depending on her SMV, but it's most likely going to be a guy she "settles" for. Not somebody she would normally fantasize about.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey L and C---how is it you can tell us that your POS lover is a person who has been there for you

Is it not true, that this Ahol* you are still with willingly participated in an A., with a woman he KNEW was married, and who HAD KIDS---only POS, do that---if it were not for this Ahol* lover of yours, you wouldn't be here would you---so how can you tell us he is there for you----HE HELPED CAUSE ALL OF THIS


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hi LostAndConfused.

Well done for asking the question, and not running off at some of the answers you have got.

I'm not going to yell at you. But you know you stuffed up and I have to talk about it to answer your question. Forgive me if anything I say hurts. I will be trying to help.

The first thing I think you need is to figure out how to be faithful. Period. You can't just have a brain snap and cheat. If you are going to be like that, no marriage you enter will work. Your brain will snap and you will break someone else's heart, hurting yourself along the way as well. A marriage is decades...plenty of time to get bored with your spouse, grow in different directions, etc...making a marriage last requires work (p.s. it's worth it...married 30 years!)

As to who to go with....well could you and your husband forgive each other? You both did wrong, and that will always be there, and always hurt. Can you learn to live with that? If not, reconciliation will fail. 

Also, why are you considering returning to him? Let me ask that another way..why do you want to return to him? If you don't have a good answer for that, then don't do it.

Your affair partner. Did he know he was cheating with a married woman? If so, what does that say about his morals? If he is willing to cheat with you, why would he not cheat on you? If he has watched you cheat with him, how will he trust you not to cheat on him? It seems like a bad basis for a relationship to me.

That's enough for the first day's homework. If you can answer those questions, I'll see what suggestions I can make according to your answers.

P.S. This place is anonymous. You can be really truthful, warts and all, and no-one knows who you are. Use that. Don't be tempted to spin your story to pacify anyone. Your story is not particularly shocking or unusual. The more honest you can be the better the advice you will get.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

michzz said:


> I think you need time NOT with any man.
> 
> One guy is willing to intrude on a marriage with you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

In your first post you wrote...I'm a single mother,and he loved me anyway...then you cheated with someone you admit isn't good for you... sounds like you have a problem with your own self-worth imo.Just concentrate on knowing yourself better for awhile without any outside involvements.Get some help if you need it.Take care.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> An _honorable young man with options_ (options means attractive to women) is not going to be interested in a woman who already has kids. Think about it. The sexual market place is still a market place, but it's also an economic mine field for a young man. The woman will find some guy depending on her SMV, but it's most likely going to be a guy she "settles" for. Not somebody she would normally fantasize about.





angelpixie said:


> I was speaking of your dismissal of the worth of all single mothers, and you know that.


Threadjack guys.


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## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Hi LostAndConfused.
> 
> Well done for asking the question, and not running off at some of the answers you have got.
> 
> ...




Thank you for not being so hateful  I realize I've done wrong, but I came here for help, not ridicule. I'll try to answer as best as I can...

Do I think we can get past this? I'm not sure... I know he's forgiven me and ready to jump back into it, but I just can't move on from the spot I've put myself in. Every time I think about trying to make it work, I can feel the ball of anxiety in my throat. I hate saying this, because I feel like people use it as an excuse, and that's not what I'm trying to do.... I've battled clinical depression since I was a teenager, and have been told by at least three different doctors that I show signs of manic/depressive disorder. I don't want "help" with that because I don't want that label. I can definitely feel it plays a big role in the situation I have found myself in though.... I'm afraid if I don't seek more help, there is no "fixing" myself or my family.... BUT that's a whole different discussion. Bottom line, I'm having a hard time getting over what we've done to each other, and an even harder time with beating myself up about it... 

Why do I want it to work? Well, I can list a dozen reasons. The kids are most important, of course. That, and I'm honestly afraid that he will be the only one that will love me the way he does. The one I had an affair with is a dime a dozen, and I know that. Ever since that night though, I just don't see my husband the way I used to. I don't know how to make that cloud go away....

The affair guy.... Yes he knew, no he's not that great with morals, and yes I should know better. I don't know why I'm kept him around this long. Maybe it's because he's the only one who really knows what I've been through this year. I don't want to tell my friends what happened, because if I do, they'd never forgive my husband if we tried to work it out. I don't want that light cast on him. They do know what I did, however. 

I hope I answered the questions accordingly. I'm new to this whole "spill your guts on the internet" thing, so forgive me if I seem a little put-off by it all! 

Thank you again....


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Thank you for not being so hateful  I realize I've done wrong, but I came here for help, not ridicule. I'll try to answer as best as I can...
> 
> Do I think we can get past this? I'm not sure... I know he's forgiven me and ready to jump back into it, but I just can't move on from the spot I've put myself in. Every time I think about trying to make it work, I can feel the ball of anxiety in my throat. I hate saying this, because I feel like people use it as an excuse, and that's not what I'm trying to do.... I've battled clinical depression since I was a teenager, and have been told by at least three different doctors that I show signs of manic/depressive disorder. I don't want "help" with that because I don't want that label. I can definitely feel it plays a big role in the situation I have found myself in though.... I'm afraid if I don't seek more help, there is no "fixing" myself or my family.... BUT that's a whole different discussion. Bottom line, I'm having a hard time getting over what we've done to each other, and an even harder time with beating myself up about it...
> 
> ...


Well, first you are confirming the affair guy is unlikely to be good marriage material. If you don't feel you can marry him, I think the only fair thing to do is end it with him, regardless of what else you do. Because you need to get your head straight.

Secondly, working on yourself. I can't advise on the depression thing, I have no expertise...but as a general principle I think you need to get yourself reasonably together before you can give yourself to a relationship. But then you need love and support in getting yourself together....it's hard.

Beyond that, I wonder how much you understand your own sexuality and emotions. An affair feeds itself and that's what you are doing. You are relating to the affair partner and keeping a secret from everyone else, and that builds a bond with the AP. It would be better if you could find someone who wasn't interested in you sexually or emotionally to lean on for a while. 

If the AP excites you sexually, that will generate chemicals in your brain that are quite addictive. (That's another reason to end it with him, it is affecting your thoughts.) Likewise, if you want to grow affection with someone, non-sexual touch will stimulate a hormone called oxytocin that generates feelings of closeness. So you can do things like this to steer your emotions. It's hard but it works if you grit your teeth and do it. Do you want more info on this stuff?

Thirdly, the husband. Have you talked about the affair? What does he think about it? What does he say about his attempt to force intercourse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did something horrible to your husband.... perhaps you do not realize the absolute emotional shock and damage being cheated on can do to a person. Many people do things that are completely out of character when they are dealing with infidelity... especially when they first find out.

I'm completely against domestic violence and have never used it in any manner... well not until I found out about my husband cheating. After I spoke to his affair partner and him just standing there lying to me over and over I started beating on him. I was out of control, something snapped. After that episode I had to watch myself for many weeks until I got past that time… Until my emotional state improved. There were times when I wanted to hurt him in any way I could so that he could understand the pain I was going through.

Our laws recognize crimes of passion for a reason… because sometimes people snap. And people who have been through it understand that.

Only you can decide if your husband crossed a line when he almost forced himself on you. You seem to have already judged him harshly and cannot get beyond it. So I don’t see any way your marriage can be repaired.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You know what...stay with the new guy. You did not have enough respect for your husband to stay faithful. Stick with the man that you cheated with. He is a keeper....ha ha ha.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Lostandconfused24. 
I have in part to agree with the way people here reacted.
When you love someone and think that that love is returned you place yourself in the most vulnerable position that any human can do. Only one other equals this is when your fighting for your life on a hospital bed and you place all you have left on this earth in the hands of the Doctors you hope will help you live.

No woman should have ANY man force himself on for a sexual act. Here Im in support of the female race as a whole not just you in this situation.

In your H's case he chose to make a sexual move on you rather than physically beating you as many women will have had.

His reaction, as youve read is exactly that his reaction, one which was brought about by what occured and may have been the only way to deal with this red mist scenario. 

His really placed it all on the line when he took on you and your child, You mention nothing of him being anything other than accepting of another mans child. because you wanted your "teenage" days back when presumably these were spent doing adult things like having a child and all the activities that have to change when we bring a child in to the world. These are simple. You dont act single, you grow up, you put the child and any family you have first, middle and last. We see so many people here that use the I wanted to have some freedom, my youth back, mid life crisis, make something of my life which in the end involves having an emotional or peronal affair with some outside their marridge relationship. 
Sadly you made the decison to cheat, you told him of this when he was at his most vulnerable, he was already having to deal with an issue his pairents were having. In basic you kicked him when he was down and in his mind he really at that point need his wife to be there, to support him when he was so vulnerable. He reacts, and stops his act eventaully but he stops. You then take up the family and leave HIM. You run to the cheat partner and continue this. 
If you read you post, place your head in someone elses position and see it from outside and youll see what youve done and its cause. 
Ask yourself honestly - Are you really right for him? 
Were you right in all the actions you undertook since meeting him
Were you right to cheat
Were you right to walk away from him 
Could you really make him happy for the rest of his life without resorting to betrail.
When you are honest then and only then can you make plans either with him or him without you can you move forward


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you depend on your H financially ?

Do you think his rape is much worse than your affair ?

Does he know how you feel about the incident?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If the Affair man is not a quality man who can be a good father to your children and a good marriage material to you then you need to dump him. Perform this unselfish act to see if you can be an unselfish person, which will tell you whether you even deserve a decent husband in your life. You do this for your children even if it's not what makes you feel good. You cannot possibly think about reconciling with your husband with another man in the picture. Can't happen, so don't even put any energy there. Put your energy into breaking off with Affair man.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Lostandconfused, your husband did what he did in an acute psychological crisis where he lost his mind and was a gibbering wreck because he JUST FOUND OUT HIS WIFE WAS FCUKING CHEATING ON HIM!

The way you hang onto it as an excuse to justify yourself against him is completely repulsive. It's like blaming someone you just stabbed for bleeding on your shoes.

I also get the impression that had he not done what he did, you would have just reached into your magic hat and plucked out some _other_ arbitrary reason to justify yourself/empower yourself anyway.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> I hate saying this,* because I feel like people use it as an excuse,* and that's not what I'm trying to do.... I've battled clinical depression since I was a teenager, and have been told by at least three different doctors that I show signs of manic/depressive disorder. I don't want "help" with that because I don't want that label. I can definitely feel it plays a big role in the situation I have found myself in though...


Oh you bet they do



lostandconfused24 said:


> The one I had an affair with is a dime a dozen, and I know that. Ever since that night though, I just don't see my husband the way I used to. I don't know how to make that cloud go away....
> 
> The affair guy.... Yes he knew, no he's not that great with morals, and yes I should know better.


Right I get it, so your back to plan B - your husband

Jesus, listen up -you want to be treated with 'respect' right? and you show your husband so little of it and fk around on him, hang on to some other schmuck who you now realize is just that and you consider you're doing your husband a favor by considering going back to him!! 

Yeah you're well worth hanging on to as a wife for another 15 years!

(with that I'm out of this thread)


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Your world is so upside down that there is no talking to you.

...you cheated
...you picked a selfish time to tell him, when he was already hurting
...you left him
...you continued the sex with the OM after supposedly being sorry.
....you can't forgive HIM after understanding how off course a person can be.
...you are as close to the devil as he will find in this life.

There is no way to salvage this with a man. If he still wants you after this I question his self esteem.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I really feel bad for your husband. You can't even properly describe what you've done. 


> I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it.


You can't even look at yourself honestly. 

True cowardice is trying to redefine what you've done, rather than come to terms with what you are.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lost

Do not say you feel like a horrible person because you really are a horrible person and hear is why.

Reason#
1. You cheated on your husband not once but twice. During your marriage when you had the Affair and after you guys separated. Hint: You are still married.Separation does not mean you get to still have your Affair.

2. You say your husband raped you. So he was upset and forced himself on you. Well you were spreading your legs for the OM what did you think your husband was going to do? Run away. He wanted to bond, to reclaim you.

It happens all the time. So as traumatic as him forcing himself on you just think how traumatic your continued cheating and leaving with the kids has been on him???

3. You are a selfish, entitled girl. Here is why I have come to that conclusion.

Your exact words:

I left with my children.

Then a little later you tell us what a good Dad he is. 

So let me clue in a little to life. Your Husband is an awesome Man & Dad. Why? Because he was able to fall in love not only with a single Mom but her child that was not his and raise that child as his own.

You do not even realize what a rare gift that is. Why? Because you are selfish plain and simple.

I hope you are still reading because now I will get to the advice.

Your Husband did not rape you. In fact you raped him of his marriage, self esteem and worst of all his children.

You owe this man big time.

If you do not feel love or attraction for him you should Divorce as easily as possible and help him move forward with his life. You should not have the OM anywhere ner you or his/your children so he feels the OM is not your reason for moving on. That is the least you could do for him.

And I do not care what disorders the Dr's say you have. The only cure for selfishness is to grow up and be a good Mom and a good woman.

If you do not feel anything for your H you owe it to him to "Let Him Go". Make it easier for him to pick up the pieces of his life that you destroyed by making the D as easy as possible on him both mentally, physicall and financially.

Do not lead him on in anyway if you killed all the feelings for him.

My last parting comment, I hope you are satisfied with the destructionof your marriage and family.

I have not seen a cheater create this much of a train wreck in a while. You took a great guy and utterly gutted him. Not only does he still love you but he is in therapy over you.

Send him here so we can help him.

He needs our help more than you.

I hope you found my post informative. It is not meant to bash you but to open your eyes and make you aware of what you need to do.

HM64


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> You couldn't work out your morals after your first mistake (having sex outside marriage)


Bat20, you're young and I like you. However, it's a bit naive to believe that grown people shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. I was married twice. Sex was not a problem in the first but during my second marriage I might as well have been a monk.

I don't plan on EVER getting married again - but I damn sure have no intention of giving up sex.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....
> 
> I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....
> 
> ...


Well honey you need to stop trying to make everyone happy.It's the fastest way to misery and failure.
The only person you can make happy is yourself.What ever choice you make,someone will get hurt and you will have to live with that and decide if your own happiness is more important or not.
You know you were wrong having an affair.I don't excuse that at all.There is no reason to do something like that.Your husband's reaction was really wrong but as sick as it sounds,I completely understand why he reacted that way.

If your husband doesn't want to let you go and you want to try to rekindle what you had then you need to cut off the om NOW.After that,go slow with your husband.Attend counseling together and don't throw sex into it until you're both mentally in a better place.

If you don't think you can let OM go then you need to be straight up with your husband and tell him that.He deserves the truth.

You may find you can't ever recover the love you had for your husband.

You made a huge mistake.Learn from it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your post is all over the place.

You sound too immature to be in any kind of relationship. 

So how about telling your husband the truth: that you are still cheating on him and involved with the OM. That way he can decide for you. It's the least you can do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and stop wasting your husband's time. 

Your affair has been going on, what, 3 years now? Seriously? Geez louise. There is NO excuse to keep stringing your husband along like this. 

Stop being selfish and set him free. You already know what you are doing is co mpletely fvcked up. How would you feel if he were doing this to you???

You are WASTING his time. Precious time. All because you aren't mature enough to look inward and stop fvcking things up. Own your mess and cut him loose. It's completely reprephensible that this has been going on as long as it has.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wow. Just...wow.



> He told me that he wanted me to “*show him that I love him*.” He then proceeded to forcibly take off my clothes and force himself on me.* I begged him to stop, and eventually, he did*.


So...while he was reeling from whatever was going on with his parents, you laid THIS on him.

He TOLD you you owed him a sexual act (with him acting dominant) and you refused him. (BTW, that refusal was what made it rape) You couldn't allow your HUSBAND to have a sexually dominant act with you. To show him that he was your Alpha Male. I get you were scared and didn't know what consequences he might do to you. But th cost of a torn blouse was the cost of your marriage.

Frankly, after a year of being with the OM who was 'there for you' (translation without the candy floss: was willing to bone you when you were vulnerable) I am uncertain WHY your husband wants to be back with you. It is probably the kids as well. He loves and bonded with them.

Now what is you have a messy bed. You can't get over what a terrible act that was. Might I suggest that you are less concerned with this Crime of Passion (an uncharacteristic act made under duress. Compare that to cold bloodedly f*cking and sucking another man for two weeks) as you are the fact that you will be called to account for your actions. That you need to make things up.

You f*cked a guy for a YEAR! You think that's not going to have an effect on how you view your husband?

If this is you without treatment, take the label. So far, everything I've read has been about YOU.

I got preggers and found a guy to take care of me...but I wanted to go party and he wouldn't, so I went out and started sleeping with a guy for two weeks and then I felt guilty so I kicked my husband when he was down...so he scared me so I left with MY children. I didn't like being alone so I slept with a dirt bag because he was there and was the only person I could talk to about this without looking bad to MY friends as a cheating woman. (BTW, I think that is the problem. Not your husbands action. The fact that they might actually take HIS side)

Honestly, you shoud have given in to your husband and then worked at getting over that action and YOUR infidelity. The ship has sailed.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ I kinda agree JCD, but don't minimize the rape. No matter the circumstances no man has the right over his wife. , or should be 'given a pass' when one is unwilling.

Also in that situation, theres no telling what would've happened. He may have started choking her out or something with how his emotions were running hot at the time.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Bat20, you're young and I like you. However, it's a bit naive to believe that grown people shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. I was married twice. Sex was not a problem in the first but during my second marriage I might as well have been a monk.
> 
> I don't plan on EVER getting married again - but I damn sure have no intention of giving up sex.


I was slightly impaired last night during all my post, so sorry if that is misunderstood. I don't even remember typing that, or what I was thinking at the time. My bad. 

Also to everyone demonizing the single mother thing:
First off, if you are a single mother, what happened to daddy? I personally have trouble believing that he just one day left or cheated or whatever. I am sure there are exceptions, but I am willing to bet the majority just ignored the signs that daddy was a trouble maker, and decided to go along with him anyway. 
But I will say I understand if he was in the military and killed, or something like that. 
But if it was just a ONS or something like that, I feel zero sympathy for you. 
And it does depend on age.
I am 20. I don't want kids now! I certainly don't need to be busy thinking about someone else's. 
If you are 50, most likely you will be hard pressed to find someone in your age bracket that doesn't have kids. 


As for Lost:
Just a little hint here: confession doesn't mean you get off free. I am sure several prison inmates can tell you that. Besides, you don't deserve him. 

But getting off an a tangent (ooohhh, math joke )

You tell your man. He is beyond devastated. So what is the first thing he wants to do? Claim you back!
But interestingly, you don't want that. You feel as if he is forcing himself on you. Most WW spouses I find tend to want to spen an entire week with their BH in bed, so they can hysterically bond (am I using that right? hysterical bonding?) because they are scared to death of losing them. 
EDIT: well, let me correct that. WW that are sorry for the pain and hurt they caused want to do nothing but hysterically bond. 
WW that aren't sorry, usually straddle the fence and the OM, while they are busy stringing their BH along. 

You didn't. You felt forced. 
So I imagine that says something to the effect of:
"Yes, I cheated on you. But I don't want you, or love you, or want to ever have sex with you. Instead, I want to have sex with someone else while you take care of me. And I hope my apology makes it up to you." 

So I don't think you are sorry for your cheating. 
You are only sad because you will be giving something up. His support to your life style. 

And if I sound harsh, well I tell life like it is.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Lostandconfused24, BH's all react differently to finding out their wives have been spreading their legs for someone else. I'm not saying what he did was right. I too wanted my STBXWW to love me immediately after I discovered her cheating. I am not the raping kind. I would rather pick her up and throw her out of the house and drop off all of her s**t on her boyfriends's door step. 

Your husband stepped up and took on the responsibility of committing his life to you and helping to raise your child and this is what you did to him? Do you realize how hard that is for a man to do? My STBXW did the same to me. You will get No sympathy from me. 

Here is what you said about your husband.



> He is an amazing person. He would bend over backwards for anyone and loves his children more than most people could ever dream of…..


But you are still with your cheating POS boyfriend? You, and only you, set into motion everything that has transpired. This mess is all your fault. You did not appreciate your BH or anything he did for you...including his dedication to your marriage and your children's future and you sure as hell didn't show him any respect. You cheated on him and your kids as well, betrayed all that he valued and loved in his life and yet you still keep dwelling on how he reacted to your betrayal? Imagine how he feels...his wife is screwing another man and won't even make love to her own husband. Imagine the rejection he feels...can you empathize? Your cheating destroyed any intimate feelings you had for your BH.

I see no real, true remorse in you...only words, excuses, and blame shifting. You are a broken woman inside. You need to follow the advice of most of the folks here and leave your BH alone. Too much time has passed and I doubt he will want to stay with you in the long run after this anyway. He deserves to live in happiness and peace. If he had that with you before...it's gone now. Free him to find it with someone else who is worthy of his dedication and love.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ I kinda agree JCD, but don't minimize the rape. No matter the circumstances no man has the right over his wife. , or should be 'given a pass' when one is unwilling.
> 
> Also in that situation, theres no telling what would've happened. He may have started choking her out or something with how his emotions were running hot at the time.


Not minimizing the rape. It wasn't rape until she said no.

He wanted to hysterical bond and Alpha Male her ass. But you are correct. I don't know how violent he was getting. In that case, I understand her reaction of SAYING NO. I do NOT understand her reaction of running off for a YEAR and pronging somoene else. 

And here is the thing. HE STOPPED.

Now, if it was a case of her not feeling sexy, or bonded or whatever...sorry. A lot less sympathy. Sex was the LEAST you owed your spouse after dropping that on him. What? You get to trample all over his self esteem with cleats on but YOUR feelings need to be treated with kid gloves?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> I
> 
> *Here’s my problem…. I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated. Is he good for me? No. But he’s been there for me when I needed him the most. Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him, but more…*


There's a name for this type of reasoning.
I think its called a " Prima Donna ........ " or something.

My advice is to stop fooling yourself.
Divorce your husband and go live with your man.
I think both of you deserve each other.
Yes?


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Its not being rude. Its the truth. Your husband deserves better then you. sorry if that hurts you. Sometimes the truth hurts. 

Go live your with your cheating Boyfriend (yea he is a cheater too) Over time he will wonder how he can ever trust you (after all, you really are a cheater, whether it was once or a 100 times doesn't matter, you entered the club) He will get sick of wondering if you can be trusted, plus putting up with 2 kids that are not his, and eventually move on. 

sorry, but you chit in your own bed. 

Divorce your husband, learn from this, and move on. Quit slowly killing your husband. I would be willing to bet, he has no idea you're still seeing the AP, correct? Do him a favor, and tell him, so he can get the courage to see you for who you really are. 

Yes I have been cheated on. But typically I can put aside my feelings, and I really am in this one too. I just don't believe much you say. You are not the victim. Your husband, and kids are. 

Should he have forced himself on you? Phuck no. Should be you be doing what you are currently do? Phuck no. 

Move on. Your marriage is over. He doesn't know it, cause he thought you would change. You didn't.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

she won't be back,,,we didn't bent over and kiss her azz.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Wow. No need to be rude please. My husband won't accept that it's over. Hence my dilemma
> I don't need any snottiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not snottiness. You are emotionally destroying your husband. The longer you string him along the more you hurt him. If you ever cared about him you need to move on. It is the only way he can heal.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm always amazed on how cake eaters find so mysterious they can't have their "feelings" back towards their BSs while they are spending all their energies elsewere.
So they put it on whatever past real or just perceived wrongdoings, dissociating themselves from the fact they are with AP!
Amazing.

Even more amazing they talk about their "mistake" as an event in the past while they keep perpetrating it. Even when they are aware AP is a lose end.

OP, you are in the wrong fence here. It's not between BH and AP, it's between who you want to be and who you are as a matter of fact just now.

Commit to self respect, commit to emotional health. Stop shooting in your own foot. Start putting distance between you (the woman you want to be, the woman you want your children to become) and that awful woman who trashed her family ("in the past" :scratchhead.
Let me give you the first clue: Drop OM, send him a NC letter (google for templates), get rid of every reminder, gift, CD, memento, block him from any way to comunicate with you, erase him from your life.

Wishing you strenght to start climbing the hole you put yourself in.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I don't want "help" with that because I don't want that label.


Second clue. F0ck labels. Choose health. You are now a mother. You can't afford to live the continued emotional rollercoaster bipolars live in. That simple. Childrens needs stability. Start putting your childrens needs over yours. Stop being selfish.
Ignoring mental illness will screw their lives forever, already did right? Didn't it came out of nowehere? Can't see the conexion?
What is going to happen the next time you find appealing one of those "wonderful", irresistible ideas wich imply life altering consequences?

If you don't want to be responsible for you, fine, but choose responsability for your children, all of them!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

67flh said:


> she won't be back,,,we didn't bent over and kiss her azz.


I suspect you're right. She came here asking for help and acted more like an entitled princess.

(BTW, it's not just waywards that bail on threads. I was just reading an intriguing one about the college guy that walked in on his fiancee getting it on with someone else and no sooner than I got ready to comment, the thread had disappeared. Some people just can't handle the truth.)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you're still spreading your legs for this other guy, aren't you?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sorry, no sympathy for any part of your story or situation. But I do feel sorry for your children and this horrible situation you put them in.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

This really brings up some different issues. I remember a church trying to tell it's members that it is impossible for a Husband to rape a wife because the wife is supposed to ALWAYS make herself available to her husband. PS I completely disagree with that philosophy, but it's also one of the reasons you're going to get a lot of different opinions. Rape between husband and wife can really be a grey area.

I hate to say this to you, but I don't consider what happened to you rape. Do I consider it wrong....DEFINITELY, but I can't put what happened to you in the same category as what's happened to many other women who've had their life stolen from them through no fault of their own.

You have to take some responsibility over the act. You carried on an act that cuckholded your husband, albeit not to his knowledge. It the terms of pack animals, you took him out of the alpha position in his family and then you told him this during an emotional crisis. Your husband responded in a force of strength. He wasn't going to be a cuckhold and he was going to stay alpha. You have to understand, these are all emotional and primal responses. Hence his becoming EXTREMELY dominant with you. Now you didn't like this level of dominance and begged him to stop, and eventually he did. Now is the situation disturbing to you, yes. This isn't even the same as if he has hit you. I'd actually consider that worse. This "violence" was tied to him acting in a way to actually save his family. He was trying to exert his position with you again. 

Unfortunately, he isn't an animal and shouldn't have gone to that extent, and for that I do truly feel for you....BUT!!!

But you have to take ownership of this situation here. Why are you still with OM? You need to take TRUE and FULL ownership of your actions and you haven't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What I find interesting is that she says hoe he forced her and then goes on to say how awesome he is and she doesn't want anyone thinkin bad about him and etc. Seems like classic blame-shifting... "Well I cheated on my husband and I know it's wrong--but if I say this one bad thing about him, maybe it will justify my cheating."

SCRIPT. 

Oh and the thread title--"*I know I am wrong"* ...

Good. Cause you are. 

*"What now?"*

Um, how about some *personal responsibility *and stop being so damn selfish. Stop ruining peoples' lives and grow up. 

GEEEEEEEEEZ.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When I was in undergrad, I dated a --well-- mature student. He had just come out of an LTR with a single mom. I think she had 3 kids and was in her early 20s. He was not the father.

When he decided to go back to university, that was when she started fooling around with another guy.

Men need to be careful about these things. He had a lot emotional taking care of to tend to. And then of course, financially. It annoyed me to hear him to talk about he supported her and gave her his car ---when he wanted to borrow mine.

But he always talked about how much fun it was to be the ersatz father.......

Men really need to be careful as to how stuck in they are becoming with a single mom........particularly one who is not ready to settle down. Probably early 20s is a good warning signal.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> This really brings up some different issues. I remember a church trying to tell it's members that it is impossible for a Husband to rape a wife because the wife is supposed to ALWAYS make herself available to her husband. PS I completely disagree with that philosophy, but it's also one of the reasons you're going to get a lot of different opinions. Rape between husband and wife can really be a grey area.
> 
> I hate to say this to you, but I don't consider what happened to you rape. Do I consider it wrong....DEFINITELY, but I can't put what happened to you in the same category as what's happened to many other women who've had their life stolen from them through no fault of their own.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

She can bang OM but she cant do that with her husband. With his anger and pain he forced her for sex, Its the worst thing happened in her life *which she couldn't forgive yet*.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: Why? because she is having her fun with OM and she knows she can go back to her husband when she had enough with this dutch bag. 

I dont buy that he raped you. Why you felt having sex with your husband as rape? *Is it because you decided to be faithful to OM?*I think you are guilt tripping him with this and keeping him as your plan B.

Shame on you not only for cheating your husband but dragging his foot for so long as your backup plan. 
He deserve some happiness and a loyal faithful, caring and loving wife.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What advice you are looking for?

1. How to get rid of your clingy husband 
or
2. How to stay with your BF but keep your husband available if required?

I guess you should leave your husband - forever. This will almost kill him - but he will recover someday. And that day will be a new beginning for him. You are no good for either - so better be with the OM.

Sorry for being so rude.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> When I was in undergrad, I dated a --well-- mature student. He had just come out of an LTR with a single mom. I think she had 3 kids and was in her early 20s. He was not the father.
> 
> When he decided to go back to university, that was when she started fooling around with another guy.
> 
> ...



ETA: This is as much a woman's issue as it is a man's issue. I was a university student at the time... so effectively living off a scholarship and my parents' generosity. if they had some idea that I was effectively supporting a man who was supporting a woman with 3 kids (and god knows how many fathers.....) they would be furious.

I don't know what to tell single moms, but to tell men who date and then get turned out by single moms, don't expect me to pick up the pieces and support you and the kids and that woman.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let's try something constructive.

First let's not beAt around the bush. Madam, you have done VERY bad things. But that does not need to define the rest of your life. You did bad ACTS, which is different than being a bad person.

So you need to start doing GOOD acts.

First drop Bozo. If he's busy boning you, there is no other room in your life for anyone. A vagina is a single occupancy dwelling. 

Next, you send a letter to your HUSBAND outlying you affair both before and after your 'incident'. You give detailed but not graphic information about it all so he can make an informed choice.

Third: you tell your friends exactly what you did to fvck up your life. YOU own it. YOU choose to go out and YOU choose to have an affair. YOU choose to move away from your husband and shack up with the POS. The rape is almost irrelevant. (BTW that betrayal you felt is a small morsel of what you did to him)

And you get some treatment.

Wait to see what the world has to offer for a while. Because frankly your judgement hasn't been particularly stellar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

L&C, I know you're taking quite the beating here. I hope you will come back and see this post. There is A LOT of wisdom here and very helpful people. Take it from a wife coming out of an emotional affair, ignore the outright rude or crude posts. Do NOT ignore those with tough questions. Answer them and I highly suggest exchanging PMs with other FEMALE posters (look at their past posts and post counts.) No males. Period. Other females can encourage you and give you personal advice. 

I wish you all the best. I know what it is like to feel like om is the only one who understands or is there for you. That isn't true. You've dealt a horrible blow to your husband but you can help him to heal IF you commit. And trust me, I struggle with the commitment at times. But I have 2 little girls who are counting on me to keep my family whole and happy.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> A vagina is a single occupancy dwelling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In this particular case, I think it was subleased out.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if i had equal chance with a single mom or a single woman i would take the single woman everytime!


seems reasonable to me.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Okay, I read many of the responders post and I am appalled by them. There is one characteristic of forums on the internet (where it is a law forum, mechanic forum, cat forum), people like to be negative and bashing when it comes to replying. Whatever happened to, "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." I mean, who really cares about your criticism and ripping apart? Who really cares? Because I guarantee you that the thread poster doesn't care, but in fact is hurt by your post. "Good" you might say. Is that your hopes and desires...to ridicule, shame, mock, and belittle? Many of you should be ashamed of yourselves. And which of you being without fault or issues can cast the first stone? "But I haven't cheated" you might say. It doesn't matter, because you are no better than the rest of us screw up people. No one is perfect! Don't judge this dear lady because she made a mistake in life, as if no one else here has made a mistake (i.e. lied, stole, etc.).

With that being said, let me appeal to the thread poster. I think its an awesome thing that you confessed that which you did was wrong. I admire you for it, whereas many people deny and live the rest of their lives as a lie. I don't know your religious beliefs, but the Bible does say, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Okay, so you acknowledge your wrong, you feel remorseful about it (and rightfully so) and you are caught in a dilemma of what to do and how you should proceed.

The fact that you are shameful and remorseful and have acknowledge the wrong, shows me that this affair needs to be caught off. Shall you continue in the wrong and beget more wrong? Why did you cheat? You cheated because someone else was willing to listen to you, whereas your husband failed miserable at. Your husband wasn't there for you emotionally and so you found someone who was. That is why people cheat. People cheat to fulfill a void in their relationship instead of communicating, trying to work things out, having patience, have morals and values.

Okay, so you fill unloved, un-cared for, and devoid of love with your husband. It makes perfect sense. There is a void in your relationship...the connection has been severed. There has been hurt and betrayal on both ends. So what needs to happen? What needs to change? I can only address you and yield and plead with your heart and spirit my dear lady. It is you that needs to change! "But that's so blunt and sounds one-sided" you might say. Blunt...yes...one-sided...by no means. Yes, your husband needs to change as well, but it is not your job to try and make him change, nor is it your job to demand that he changes. Love does not demand! If you are sincere about your husband (and I know you are), than you need to make an effort to change and rectify the situation, regardless of your feelings and emotions or a lack thereof towards him. You both are hurting and are dealing with that hurt in different ways. Your husband's actions towards you is a byproduct of the hurt you caused him (not to justify his action by any means).

What is the answer then? The answer is "FORGIVENESS!" You and your husband need to forgive each other. But what if he doesn't choose to forgive? What then? That should not stop you from doing what you know very well deep down what needs to take place. Forgiveness and a true love does not demand or look for the duties and responsibilities of others, but looks inwardly to the very core of our character. Said in a different way, the question is not really what your husband needs to do or what he needs not to do, the question is "Can you forgive your husband?" If you can answer yes to that question, you will know the next step and subsequent steps thereafter. You will also have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders and an overwhelming sense of joy and relief. I guarantee you this! If you can truly forgive him for his actions (not just the rape, but also the lack of meeting your emotional needs and the like), the love that you once had for him will slowly return. If your answer is "no" that you cannot forgive, than you will be stuck wondering aimlessly and hopelessly for the rest of your life a bitter and angry individual who has a chip on their shoulder (like so many other posters herein) and you will never be what God had intended you to be.

Oh yes my dear lady...God very well has a plan, purpose, and desire for your life, despite what you have done. You might not feel worthy (which you are not), but in God's eyes, He sees you as worthy. This is what grace and mercy is called. You see, there was a lady once caught in the act of adultery and was brought before Jesus. Jesus forgave this lady and told her to "Go and sin no more." Jesus forgives! Since Jesus forgives, how much more shall you forgive?

Forgiveness is the answer! Don't let anyone tell you or convince you otherwise! You are in a very vulnerable place, yet totally aware and conscious of what you have done wrong. Take advantage of that conviction and respond with forgiveness. It is the right choice and the right way to go...and you will be surprised that not to long, you will have a marriage once again, the way a marriage should be.

I will be praying for you and your family.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Considering that marriage has very little upside for males (these days we can get sex very easily) and potentially an enormous downside, not just emotional but economic, men have to play the short odds. A woman with kids on her own is already telling us something about herself.


It's funny though because when you take the below findings from MSNBC, AARP, & Abstract Psychology Today Papers, your stupid sentences seem even more ignorant than they already did just on first glance and that, that, is quite a feat!

"The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce.."

"The perceived benefits of divorce differ by gender. Women were far more likely than men to say that having their own self-identity was a top reward....43 percent of women said they emerged from the split against remarriage. Only 33 percent of men said they wouldn't remarry." 

" women file for divorce and are often the instigators of separation... Furthermore, divorced women in large numbers reveal that they are happier than they were while married." 

"Women who felt depressed in strained marriages faced a boosted risk of hypertension, waistline obesity, high blood sugar, high triglycerides and low levels of "good cholesterol" HDL - five factors of metabolic syndrome. Male spouses who felt similarly down in the dumps did not see similar risks."

So women are requesting divorce more and less likely to remarry than men after that divorce.

That doesn't jive with your idea that men being able to get sex very easily equates a desire to marry a woman less in any way, shape or form.

Men have always been able to pay for sex and if you have power and money and are the Alpha Dominator of All Hot Sexy Women You Want to Stick Your Penis In then you should have no problem getting lots of sex with or without marriage. 

Marriage, when it works, is about security, love, commitment, mutual exploration and enjoyment. Oh duh!

And here's another MEMO I don't think you received...no self respecting single mother would want to marry an Alpha Dominator who was threatened by women. You're a misogynist and a really pompous turd of one.

A great single mother who can show a man that she is self sufficient, a nurturing mother and able to juggle all these roles is by far a tremendous catch for a kind, understanding, hot and intelligent man. 

Only a man that when asked if he would marry a single mother answers, "It depends on the circumstance," is worthy of the love any single mother has to offer. Yeps.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

And to the OP, you seem to understand that your husband lost his crap and almost did something he would regret for the rest of his live. 

I understand that you are confused and believe you love this other guy. I do think you owe it to both men to stop seeing both and take some time to figure it out so that everyone in the situation has a chance to make a less impassioned choice. I think you need to figure yourself out before you are going to be capable of being a good wife/girlfriend to either of these men.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The most striking thing that I read in your OP is that 'He loved me anyway.' implying that you somehow saw yourself as inferior goods due to being a single mother. I think this view of yourself is what caused everything else. Maybe it's how you became a single mother in the first place...an excuse to always see yourself as inferior, and therefore be 'grateful' that someone 'wants' you, vs. you looking out for yourself, valuing yourself, and being in the driver's seat of your life (and now that of your child's.)

Here is my advice to you. Get away from both men. Both your husband, and your affair partner. Spend time learning how to stand on your own two feet. Do not move in with anyone, do not rely on anyone else's presence or income. Learn to trust yourself.

Then you won't have any trouble making decisions.
You frame this as a one or the other choice.
Like if you don't make one choice or the other, your past troubles are efforts down the drain, because you end up with nothing.

Nope, you end up with your valuable experience. "He loved me anyway." That statement tells a whole lot.

I think in addition to standing on your own two feet for a while maybe therapy would be helpful. Who put it in your head that you had to be 'loved anyway' despite being a single parent. Not sure how you got that way, but once there, a parent is a parent. In fact, if you have done a good job as a parent and been there through thick and thin for your kid, your kid's disposition is a sign of your true qualities, even behind closed doors. This results in you being loved all the more, because of what you do for your child, vs. 'in spite of'.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The most striking thing that I read in your OP is that 'He loved me anyway.' implying that you somehow saw yourself as inferior goods due to being a single mother. I think this view of yourself is what caused everything else. Maybe it's how you became a single mother in the first place...an excuse to always see yourself as inferior, and therefore be 'grateful' that someone 'wants' you, vs. you looking out for yourself, valuing yourself, and being in the driver's seat of your life (and now that of your child's.)
> 
> Here is my advice to you. Get away from both men. Both your husband, and your affair partner. Spend time learning how to stand on your own two feet. Do not move in with anyone, do not rely on anyone else's presence or income. Learn to trust yourself.
> 
> ...


What complicates this is that she has a child with her husband.

Which by the way was conceived in spite of birth control....another good reason to stay out of the other man's bed....three kids to three men is an extra complication...


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*The pot calling the kettle black*

*Lost, lets take a look at something here...*

_"One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done."_

*Why in the h3ll would you hit your husband with this when he's in the middle of turning to you FOR SUPPORT???*


_"He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that."
"Have I forgiven him? No…. But I understand it."
"What he did that night was not him."
"I had a sudden flash of selfishness that destroyed my entire family"
"I don't know what came over me."_

*But couldn't he also say he didn't know what came over him???*


_"Ever since that night though, I just don't see my husband the way I used to."_

*Well, surprise, he doesn't see you the way he used to either. The difference is you acted on a whim, he acted out of rage.*

Maybe he "raped" you, I don't know, but you raped his soul.

Let me fast forward your story; if you decide to stay with him, he will take you back and then you two will go through a year or two of absolute misery because neither will ever completely forgive the other.

Based on what I've read, this marriage is in a deep dark place that, I personally, do not predict a happy ending. 
T


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

*Re: The pot calling the kettle black*



Tony55 said:


> *Lost, lets take a look at something here...*
> 
> _"One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done."_
> 
> ...


This. 

OP if you're still here, listen to me and remember this. There is nothing you could have done to your husband than this. An unfaithful wife is the most painful thing a man ever has to endure. Men are strong, and when their women blatantly disregard their honor and strength it rends their souls to pieces. God help you if you ever have to experience even a fraction of the misery you have inflicted upon him.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

*Re: The pot calling the kettle black*



Tony55 said:


> Let me fast forward your story; if you decide to stay with him, he will take you back and then you two will go through a year or two of absolute misery because neither will ever completely forgive the other.
> 
> Based on what I've read, this marriage is in a deep dark place that, I personally, do not predict a happy ending.


I agree how they deal with these issues is central and will be hard. But not impossible.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OP is probably gone because she didn't like the answers given here.

According to her timeline she was in another mans bed before her second wedding anniversary. Not good. Little chance of her husband getting over that especially since she has continued with the OM even after her husband found out.

OP - give the man a divorce. You really don't want him back and you do not want marriage.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Whatever happened to, "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."


FM, that wouldn't be much of a discourse, would it? She came to an infidelity support group asking for opinions and that's what she got. If she wanted people to agree with her then she could've easily gone over to 'd r cool . com'. I'm sure there are plenty folks over there that would quickly give her the attagirls that she expected to get here.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> FM, that wouldn't be much of a discourse, would it? She came to an infidelity support group asking for opinions and that's what she got. If she wanted people to agree with her then she could've easily gone over to 'd r cool . com'. I'm sure there are plenty folks over there that would quickly give her the attagirls that she expected to get here.


But you don't kick a horse when it is down...do you? She already acknowledged her mistakes.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....
> 
> I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....
> 
> ...


Yea its called hysterical bonding. Your husband wanted to try and reclaim you as his. Please I am not the least big angry at him. You screw around with another man. Tell your husband about it and you expected what, tears and hugs, You eviscerated his heart. You ran off to be with your Affair Partner and left him in the dust. You have hurt this man, "who bent over backwards" for some stranger who wanted to get in you pants. 

You don't get what you have done and you never will. Your selfishness has ruined a marriage, destroyed a good man, and left you with a relationship outside of marriage. Guess what you think once the Affair sex wears off and you have to actually start acting like a real couple he is going to stack up to this other. 
OH YEA HOW CAN YOUR HUSBAND BE THERE FOR YOU IF YOU RAN STRAIGHT INTO YOUR AFFAIR PARTNERS ARMS. Thats right he can't. 

This is all on you not him. If you want to help this man out you divorce him and tell him that he deserves a hell of a lot better than a Wife that can't be faithful. I am willing to bet once it is all said and done you will miss the love and security and love he gave you. But you can't sense that now cause you are too busy thinking about the Other Man.

Sorry but you won't get sympathy here. You better believe you will regret this. I mean you can't even give your husband rough sex after stabbing him in the back? The best thing for you to do i leave your AP and your Husband. Find a councilor and get your head on straight. Then call your Husband and tell him you are sorry.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he was out of control. Some would even say he belongs in jail after losing control after having his world ripped appart like that!



> I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last.


You will find it terribly complicated to start a relationship before the previous has had time to finish. You may want to think of that next time.



> I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do,


Actually i think most of the people on this board have a clearer notion of who and what you are than your husband had when you were banging that other guy on his back!




> but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband....


Please, leave that for gullible people. That's the thing people say just not to sound heartless. "i loved him but i had to bang that other person"! 




> I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...


Here is some advice for you. You have serious issues that you may want to address if you are to stay in a monogamous relationship. If you are not interested in a monogamous relationship that's ok. Plenty of people are not suited for it. But you should not make another suffer for your problems. You should not marry just because it is a norm. But if you do get in a marriage (or keep married) you do have a duty to work on yourself.

A good first step is cutting that "he raped" bullcrap when basically the whole incident was caused by you. You were actually lucky his lack of control meant that instead of beating your ass like it happens very often. Trying to turn yourself into a victim, specially to people who have seen a lot of this crap going on is a futile exercise. You were obviously wanting some sort of BS responses like "Doesn't matter you cheated your husband is horrible because he put his penis where it had gone thousands of times". This is obviously not the board for that. I suggest going to one of those lunatic feminazi boards where women can do no wrong and men are always guilty, no matter what.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hard to believe a woman like this ever actually loved him. 2 years in? Sounds like he was a human wallet.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> But you don't kick a horse when it is down...do you? She already acknowledged her mistakes.


That's just it. She hasn't really acknowledged her 'mistakes'. And by the way, a mistake is putting tartar sauce instead of mayo on a sandwich. What she did was beyond diabolical.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Okay, I read many of the responders post and I am appalled by them. There is one characteristic of forums on the internet (where it is a law forum, mechanic forum, cat forum), people like to be negative and bashing when it comes to replying. Whatever happened to, "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." I mean, who really cares about your criticism and ripping apart? Who really cares? Because I guarantee you that the thread poster doesn't care, but in fact is hurt by your post. "Good" you might say. Is that your hopes and desires...to ridicule, shame, mock, and belittle? Many of you should be ashamed of yourselves. And which of you being without fault or issues can cast the first stone? "But I haven't cheated" you might say. It doesn't matter, because you are no better than the rest of us screw up people. No one is perfect! Don't judge this dear lady because she made a mistake in life, as if no one else here has made a mistake (i.e. lied, stole, etc.).
> 
> With that being said, let me appeal to the thread poster. I think its an awesome thing that you confessed that which you did was wrong. I admire you for it, whereas many people deny and live the rest of their lives as a lie. I don't know your religious beliefs, but the Bible does say, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Okay, so you acknowledge your wrong, you feel remorseful about it (and rightfully so) and you are caught in a dilemma of what to do and how you should proceed.
> 
> ...


I am a Christian too This is probably the worst advice I have heard. You can't just forgive someone taking your heart and ripping it to shreads. THE OP CHEATS and when her husband , in pain and anger lashed out and does something stupid she can't forgive him for that. 

Instead of standing by her man and understanding that this was likely a one time thing in response to a horrible situation. she runs off with the Other Man. NO Forgiveness in this situation has to be earned by the wayward and freely given by the WS.
God doesn't answer prayers that you aren't willing to put the effort into. PLease understand your idea would be to just say. Okay I forgive you we both messed up and lets move on. NO that is not reality and sure if you take a few single verses out of the bible they sound nice and pretty. But the reality is quite different if you read the whole chapter. 
If you aren't willing to work on the marriage then don't be in one. It would be one thing if she went off and stayed with her parents. No she ran off to the other man. So there you go because her husband lost it she is justified in running off with the other man. 
The bible is a guidebook if the bible tells you to forgive do it. 
Here is the thing Forgiveness comes with a price. Years of recovery, pain ,effort, and remorse. Forgiveness doesn't come easy. So when the bible tells you to forgive. IT means that you should be willing to put in the effort to forgive. Not just to act as if nothing ever happened because we are human and it is one thing to harbor resentment for no reason. 
I offered my wife forgiveness for her mistakes with indfidelity. I came with a list.
1) NO CONTACT
2) counciling
3) personal issues that have plagued our marriage
4) financial issues that have plagued our marriage.

I have forgiven my wife because she is making the effort to save our marriage. 

Yes god has a purpose for us all. However he gave us free will and sometime we manage to stomp all over God's Purpose for us and cheating is not Gods purpose for anyone.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

badbane said:


> Yea its called hysterical bonding. Your husband wanted to try and reclaim you as his. Please I am not the least big angry at him. You screw around with another man. Tell your husband about it and you expected what, tears and hugs, You eviscerated his heart. You ran off to be with your Affair Partner and left him in the dust. You have hurt this man, "who bent over backwards" for some stranger who wanted to get in you pants.
> 
> You don't get what you have done and you never will. Your selfishness has ruined a marriage, destroyed a good man, and left you with a relationship outside of marriage. Guess what you think once the Affair sex wears off and you have to actually start acting like a real couple he is going to stack up to this other.
> OH YEA HOW CAN YOUR HUSBAND BE THERE FOR YOU IF YOU RAN STRAIGHT INTO YOUR AFFAIR PARTNERS ARMS. Thats right he can't.
> ...


For goodness sake...she didn't ask for sympathy, she asked for help. 

And while I understand the husband's position, non-consensual sex is rape. Full stop.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Lostandconfused - clearly you made some pretty big mistakes. I would agree with some of the other responders who noted that you refer to yourself as not deserving of love due to being a single mother. With that said, I think you should start with counseling for you to find out why you feel this way and to repair that or you will continue to make poor choices, like this affair and continuing a relationship with the other man. You want to know why he's being nice to you? It's to get into your pants and stay there, plain and simple. I did not have a physical affair but my EA partner had no reservations about jumping ship when it all came to light and made his life uncomfortable. 

Whether you choose to stay with your husband and work it out, I would say you need to discontinue the relationship with your affair partner. No relationship started this way can ever be healthy. Fix yourself first before you hurt anyone else.

For some of the others who choose to disparage single moms, is that really necessary? I became a single mother not by choice. It made me no less worthy of love and a relationship than anyone else. I would think we were past those days.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

AnnieAsh said:


> L&C, I know you're taking quite the beating here. I hope you will come back and see this post. There is A LOT of wisdom here and very helpful people. Take it from a wife coming out of an emotional affair, ignore the outright rude or crude posts. Do NOT ignore those with tough questions. Answer them and I highly suggest exchanging PMs with other FEMALE posters (look at their past posts and post counts.) No males. Period. Other females can encourage you and give you personal advice.
> 
> I wish you all the best. I know what it is like to feel like om is the only one who understands or is there for you. That isn't true. You've dealt a horrible blow to your husband but you can help him to heal IF you commit. And trust me, I struggle with the commitment at times. But I have 2 little girls who are counting on me to keep my family whole and happy.


Way to go Annie. Warming my heart.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I should also add that we don't really know the details of that event so he could have been really hurting her. that would not be cool.. only the two of them know the truth. I would say hitting would be much worse than sex with your SPOUSE.. wanted or not... just my opinion. sorry if feminism hasn't brain washed me so much as to be completely black or white on this.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY LostandConfused
> I've battled clinical depression since I was a teenager, and have been told by at least three different doctors that I show signs of manic/depressive disorder. I don't want "help" with that because I don't want that label.* I can definitely feel it plays a big role in the situation I have found myself in though*.... I'm afraid if I don't seek more help, there is no "fixing" myself or my family....


You are spot on!!! 
Forget about which man you should go for. You will not make it with any man if you do not do what you already know you should do. 

You know exactly what the main problem is. *The issue with the two men is a diversion that will keep you from getting better*.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lostandconfused,
There is agood chance yo will not return to read these posts.

I hope you work this out. Please let me add my thoughts.

If we can put the issue of issue of forced rape aside for a second,and consider hysterically bonding .
When i first read your post I recognized this right away and I looked to see if it had been raised and of course it had.

The issue of hysterically bonding is a real one, we see it here all the time, sometimes patrners in reconciliation after an affair ask "What is going on", we laugh and say its "hysterically bonding" enjoy it while it lasts and they do.

It is a drive from the deepest receses of the primitive brain to reclaim you as his wife,his territory and it indicates that he truly wanted you back, the sad part is that if you only knew (you didnt know, its not you fault) and cooperated with it you could have been well on your way to a restored marriage with him over this last year.

I truly grieve the lost opportunity for you both. 


Now he has to wonder and forever live with the lable (at least with himself and you) as a rapist.

Pesonaly (and I may get flamed for this) I hope you release him from this by telling him, "When you were trying to have sex with me I did not realize that you were trying to reclaim me, i understand now that you probably didnt even understand the drive, I wish with all my heart that I understood then what I understand now, I would have welcomed it. I resisted out of fear and ignorance, you lost control I know that, but I want to relase you from any guilt because today I make a decision, not to excuse the loss of control but to forgive it, and to understand and accept the drive, you were not trying to rape me but reclaim me, I believe you are not that kind of person, I do not think of you that way, and I do not want you to think of yourself that way"


If you follow the stories of the betrayed spouces here you will see that it takes some time for them to heal, even when the spouce who cheated is truly remorsefull and is helping them heal.

The pain and anguish is crushing and you have to see it to even understand and believe it.

Dear lost, your put you husband through this pain, in addition to him dealing with you leaving with the childern , and his failure in forcing himself upon you. And that you have carried on with the otherman this whole time, that will cut so much deeper.

Honestly I feel great sympathy for him.

You seem to have made decisions that tended to be based on your happiness as the benchmark and this has caused great dammage to many lives.

This is really your question as I take it from your post,
"My husband wants to work this out. I wanted to as well recently, but"

If you try to work it out with your husband for the wrong reasons you will be repeating the same decision making pattern that has caused sooo much pain for you and everyone else (except for the other man who gets all the benifits of the situation as well a your love and devotion).

That pattern is what?

"I’m just not happy anymore. My life is an absolute mess, and I want to make everyone happy, but it’s killing me"

Can you see how this was present in your decision to have an affair?

Listen, you have answered your own question,

*Have I forgiven him? No…. But I understand it.

*I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated

*Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him

*when I try to feel something for him, nothing is there anymore. Nothing

*I get angry a lot quicker with him, and I can’t stand even thinking about being intimate with him.

*I’m having a hard time forcing myself to love him again. 

If you ask your husband if he wants back under these circumstances, with the understanding that they will probably not change what do you think he will say?

And in what sense would it be an act of love on your part to even offer this to him?

yes it woud be nice to have a good and faithful man who worships you and steps up for you/your childern and who would always be there for you, BUT can you really feel right allowing him in with what you have to offer above? 

Essentially; I want someone like my husband, but I want someone I'm really attracted to, there is no one like that around, I dont see it changing, what should I do, take the HOT other man or the reliable but disgusting husband?

The marriage trust was destroyed by the first affair, thats always the case, and it takes everything any new relatinaship rquires to rebuild it, plus a lot more work because of the betrayal (trust me on this, this may be one of the things you dont realize that some one with more life experience could have told you, "If only I knew!")

All this time you have had the comfort and affection and love in the arms of your lover, he has stroked you hair and told you that you are sexy and made you feel better, but your husband?

If he is as good a man as you say, where is his comfort, who helps him feel like a sought after man, where is his sexual release, you have still been giving it away to the other man, all he can do is wait and hope and hurt, and it disgusts you to even think of being intimate with your husband.
( and the posters are right when they say you will feel this way when the om is still in the picture, again we see it ALL the time!)

Really does he not deserve better than that?

There should be no question in your mind what is best for him, (but you know that the om is not marriage material) so the question in your mind is CAN you be happy with your husband, BUT that is just a repeat of the miserymakingdecision process you have been using up till now.

Dont base your decision on what will make you happy here.
Please be a better person now, you can be, really!


Please, please, please, send your husband here we really can help him rebuild his life!!!

Thank you.


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....
> 
> I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....
> 
> ...


I've read your 4 posts so far, and from what I gather...

A single mum meets a guy and then gets pregnant again even though she's on birth control. 

You wanted to spread your wings and have fun, and when he didn't want to, you went ahead anyway on your own.

You had an affair with some random bloke. 

You confessed but only due to guilt. 

He responded with understandable anger, albeit extreme. 

You haven't forgiven him for his response. 

You continue the affair. 

How exactly did you manage to get pregnant? Did you do it deliberately? What is missing in your life that you have to go out and have fun even though you're married? What's missing in your life that you feel the need to be intimate with someone other than your husband? Why did it require guilt for you to confess? Why can't you forgive him for what he did when it was you who caused the problem in the first place? Why on earth did you continue your affair? 

It sounds like you're not ready to be with anyone at all. Too many issues. The best thing you can do is get divorced (for his sake as well as yours), get some therapy, and become an example to your kids, which right now you're not. Your behaviour is out of order and you don't have a sense of honour, and you have self esteem issues. To put it bluntly, you need fixing.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Folks, please keep this thread on topic. I've deleted replies where it was derailed into a discussion of rape in marriage, and crossed the boundaries that represent the values we seek to maintain as moderators on TAM. We also respect the pain that such a thread might evoke in some of the members who have suffered through infidelity, so I appreciate those who recogized that it was time for them to step away from such a discussion. For now, I've resisted closing this thread in hopes that the OP can find valuable support.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Relationships that begin as affairs rarely last. Frequently they end badly, creating significant emotional damage for everyone involved.
Simply being alone is also not the answer. The biggest mistake people make after an affair is to not get psychotherapy from a skilled therapist. This could be a very important time of growth. Before making any decisions, take a break from seeing this person and find a good therapist. This could be your best investment in a positive future. DrDavidCOlsen, author, The Couple's Survival Workbook


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, I think we have lost the OP.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok what now. I shall keep the advice simple.

Stop dating the OM
Get yourself into therapy
Stop using the events if that one night to excuse why you are not at home and why you are still having the affair. The truth is the marriage was over when you chose to cheat.
Divorce your husband. Explain to him that you do not love him. If you did love him you wouldn't be having the affair start started all of this, and which continues to this very day. He needs to understand the marriage has zero hope of recovering,
If he can't see that then get him into therapy to help him.
be generous in the divorce settlement and give him at least 50% physical custody.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well, I think we have lost the OP.



Yes agreed 

She's way gone


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I do hope she finds the help and support she needs somewhere. Interesting that some posts which sought to support her were deleted, yet the ones which are so poisonous remain. Makes me wonder what are the values of this forum.


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## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Okay, I read many of the responders post and I am appalled by them. There is one characteristic of forums on the internet (where it is a law forum, mechanic forum, cat forum), people like to be negative and bashing when it comes to replying. Whatever happened to, "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." I mean, who really cares about your criticism and ripping apart? Who really cares? Because I guarantee you that the thread poster doesn't care, but in fact is hurt by your post. "Good" you might say. Is that your hopes and desires...to ridicule, shame, mock, and belittle? Many of you should be ashamed of yourselves. And which of you being without fault or issues can cast the first stone? "But I haven't cheated" you might say. It doesn't matter, because you are no better than the rest of us screw up people. No one is perfect! Don't judge this dear lady because she made a mistake in life, as if no one else here has made a mistake (i.e. lied, stole, etc.).
> 
> With that being said, let me appeal to the thread poster. I think its an awesome thing that you confessed that which you did was wrong. I admire you for it, whereas many people deny and live the rest of their lives as a lie. I don't know your religious beliefs, but the Bible does say, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Okay, so you acknowledge your wrong, you feel remorseful about it (and rightfully so) and you are caught in a dilemma of what to do and how you should proceed.
> 
> ...


Sorry for the delayed response... I was a bit put off by the trolls on this thread (that, and I do have a life). 

Your post was very touching, and I thank you for it. I have a couple questions for you... I don't think it's a question of whether or not I can forgive him, so much as it's difficult to even begin to forgive myself... I am very aware of the amount of pain I have caused, and I want to fix it, but I feel like there's a brick wall in front of me. I broke it off with the other man months ago. I occasionally see him, but it isn't a relationship. I have been trying to resolve things with my husband for a few weeks, but I just can't seem to find that love again. He is so willing and so eager to move back in together and start off fresh, but I'm afraid that I will never love him like I used to again.... How do I solve that? 

I reread my posts (and ignored the trolls), and I realize how all-over the place I was. Forgive me; it was late and I was a tad emotional. I'm honestly lost right now. I want to make my marriage work, but I don't want to end up back here again... I want to give him his wife back, but I have no idea where to find her....

Thank you to those who genuinely tried to help. Obviously I wouldn't publicly air out my dirt laundry if I wasn't desperate for help


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

forevermemorable said:


> But you don't kick a horse when it is down...do you? She already acknowledged her mistakes.


Didn't you hear? So did AllyBabe_18. 

Twice.


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## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

DrDavidCOlsen said:


> Relationships that begin as affairs rarely last. Frequently they end badly, creating significant emotional damage for everyone involved.
> Simply being alone is also not the answer. The biggest mistake people make after an affair is to not get psychotherapy from a skilled therapist. This could be a very important time of growth. Before making any decisions, take a break from seeing this person and find a good therapist. This could be your best investment in a positive future. DrDavidCOlsen, author, The Couple's Survival Workbook


I've been seeing a therapist since Feb. Honestly, if anything, I feel worse than I did when it first happened. Should I seek another therapist?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Sorry for the delayed response... I was a bit put off by the trolls on this thread (that, and I do have a life).
> 
> Your post was very touching, and I thank you for it. I have a couple questions for you... I don't think it's a question of whether or not I can forgive him, so much as it's difficult to even begin to forgive myself... I am very aware of the amount of pain I have caused, and I want to fix it, but I feel like there's a brick wall in front of me. I broke it off with the other man months ago. I occasionally see him, but it isn't a relationship. I have been trying to resolve things with my husband for a few weeks, but I just can't seem to find that love again. He is so willing and so eager to move back in together and start off fresh, but I'm afraid that I will never love him like I used to again.... How do I solve that?
> 
> ...


The task is overwhelming. The stakes are high. But your (apparent) endeavor is commendable. 

If you truly want to make your marriage work, there are several things you must do without fail. For the sake of being concise I've simplified them into three categories.

1) You must tell him everything. Women have a tendency to try to manipulate, because they think they know how the course of life should path. So they will edit history for others and even for themselves for what they are convinced is "the greater good." This won't work because the great social experiment is moved by too many moving parts for any of us to perceive, let alone direct. 
What I mean is, if you withhold the truth, ANY truth from you husband, it will hurt your relationship, even if it's something you know he'll never find out. Because it affects YOU. It will manifest itself in you and your behavior in ways that you won't be able to understand or detect. 
Lots of times people will say "I'll be honest from here on out." It won't work. The sludge will erupt from you like necrotic ooze from a pulsing pustule, and you will eventually be revealed. 

Be honest.

2) Be accountable to yourself. Because at the end of the day, if you want to slink back into this disgusting behavior, you'll find a way. It is impossible for anyone to keep constant tabs on another individual. But we were created on the predication that we will be able to act like human beings without constant moderation, and that is exactly what you are going to have to do. You have to ask yourself... do you think you can be enough of a person to be accountable to yourself? To do the right thing even when you know, especially when you know no one can see you? 

If you can't do both of these things, your marriage will never make it.

*EDIT:* I know I said three categories but I'm tired and you guys should all just go to my website if you want the answers to life. How's that for concise?


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## lostandconfused24 (Oct 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Ok what now. I shall keep the advice simple.
> 
> Stop dating the OM
> Get yourself into therapy
> ...


We have talked about custody, and due to my schedule and his (and of course, the interest of the children), 50/50 is already in effect. I don't want child support or anything like that. I want nothing. I gave him the house, his cars, you name it. I just wanted out immediately after the incident. 
I get it. I need therapy. Way ahead of everyone. It's not working. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to better my children, my husband, or myself. 



Btw, I do live on my own, with my own earnings, and I got pregnant the second time on the IUD (not on purpose). We were planning to get married before I ever got pregnant. I do the best I can for my children, and that includes not being money-hungry or selfish with custody. 

We both made mistakes. Big ones. The question is: Is there any coming back from it? Or should I honestly just walk away from my marriage?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

If both of you are committed to working on it, you can come back from it. But its a hard and long road. Just read about the other couples reconciling on here. There are issues they struggle with everyday and it takes a lot of work and heartbreak to get out of this loop.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lost and Confused,
Thanks for comming back.
You really do sound like a different person today, and a lot more clear on what you want.

If you both want to work it out than I support you.

If you both decide that trying to save it would do more harm than good, I for one completely understand.

Please be sure that you are willing to pay the price to reconcile, it could be a few years before the sun breaks through.


I 'm glad for your statement "I don't know what I'm supposed to do to better my children, my husband, or myself."

This is a very positive statement even though it seems overwhelming, I am glad for your.

Your statement, "The question is: Is there any coming back from it? Or should I honestly just walk away from my marriage? 

Let me say that I thought my marriage was over, after a number of very bad years, and we have brought it back and I am so glad we did it is soo worth it.

So the question is to you what is left to save?
Have you both made a list of what you have that is worth saving?
Maybe a plan of what you want your marriage to be? Honestly?

It is no secret that working together as a couple on where you want your lives to go will bring you closer.

As a husband there was a time when I thought I would never be physically attracted to my wife again, but that is not even a issue anymore, once we were able to reconnect emotionally the attraction came back. (we are both 54, married 26yrs, 4 kids 17-25)

Honestly when i read your thread I feel that you made a lot of mistakes that were avoidable, you sound inteligent, but these were mistakes that as you said "a grown up" would not have made, no offense, its a matter of life exposure and life experience, and having made some of these mistakes and learned from them, you will be a better person thereafter, with more to offer.

You did the right thing wanting to tell your husband about the affair, I think that got lost in the emotion of the thread. Yes you probably picked the worst time to do it, but that tells me that your standards are higher than you behavior, we all fail, I hope you can find yourself again, because I do think that you want to be better than what you have done.

If you will show true remorse to your husband and express it here as well you will find a lot more acceptance here, and please let us help you with understanding what true remorse looks like that can actually bring healing to your husband and yourself.

I have more I would like to say but I'm stoping with this.

Could you please tell us a little more about what is happening in therapy and in what way it seems to be making it worse.

I will tell you why I ask. Here is one of those life experience things,

You have probably heard of the stages of grief, well there are similar stages that a betrayed spouse goes through and similar stages a remourseful wayward spouse goes through.

Not to mention the other dynamics involved in your situation.

My point is that some betrayed spouses post here and think they are going crazy, or down a dark hole that they will never emerge from, and are relieved to find out that they are right where they should be for what they are going through, and they will get through it.
Sometimes there is no short cut. This could be the case for you, not to mention your husband.

Going forward I hope we can find the best result for you, your husband and children.

Take care!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****You have probably heard of the stages of grief, well there are similar stages that a betrayed spouse goes through and similar stages a remourseful wayward spouse goes through.****

What are they?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

We see more BS (betrayed Spouse) here so i have this more handy, lets start with this, I'm signing off soon and going OOTown but I hope this is a help, its some heavy stuff, Maybe print it off and give to your husband too if you think it might help.
Ill check back. Take Care!


Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse also here
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53682-coping-affair-6.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

By chapparal
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55934-my-wife-has-completely-destroyed-me-10.html
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> I've been seeing a therapist since Feb. Honestly, if anything, I feel worse than I did when it first happened. Should I seek another therapist?


Feeling bad is needed to prompt the needed change. It's natural to feel bad when you've done wrong.

You will need to cut off ALL CONTACT with the OM to continue and find any support worth having on this site.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Please send your husband to this site so that he can get the support that he desperately needs. You've obviously checked out of the marriage - love him but not in love with him - and he needs to get some advice on how to move on. 

Do him a favor and file for divorce if your heart isn't into being married to him.

And by the way, you might want to look up the definition of what a 'troll' is. Most of the advice that you got were from veterans of this forum. The fact that you disagreed with said advice doesn't make them trolls.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Please send your husband to this site so that he can get the support that he desperately needs. You've obviously checked out of the marriage - love him but not in love with him - and he needs to get some advice on how to move on.
> 
> Do him a favor and file for divorce if your heart isn't into being married to him.
> 
> And by the way, you might want to look up the definition of what a 'troll' is. Most of the advice that you got were from veterans of this forum. The fact that you disagreed with said advice doesn't make them trolls.


QFT friend. People always do this. They think that because they want something they should have it. I mean they believe it's the right thing to do. It's unreal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say you've ended it with the OM, yet see every once in a while. What you don't seem to realize his this sets you back, as does being intimate , physically or emotionally with other men.

If you truely want to feel love for your husband and give your children back a family, you must first choose to do that, and you need to focus your intimacy solely on him. Otherwise you deep inside don't see him as your husband, you see him as one of many options.

Especially with the OM. Your brain chemistry betrays you here becase each time you have contact with him,your brain generats a nice dopamine reward hit which draws you further away from any love for your husband. If you go beyond trivial contact, to intimacy with the OM, your brain gets a massive dose of OM and even further rejection of your husband.

I think you don't want your husband as well because he has tried to take you back, and you have lost respect and desire for him because you don't repesct that choice by him.


In the end love is as much choice as random chance. What are you going to choose?

If your therapist hasn't help in all these months I think you should try a new one.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the deal

My advice hasn't changed.

You need to write a letter telling the husband EVERYTHING you've done. You owe it to him. But that might ruin things for an R.

You need to tell your friends what happened. You seem to be hiding from your choices. Why do they think you abandoned your husband? I'm guessing it's not flattering to him.

So if you don't love or respect him, why exactly do you want to go back?

Don't bring up the kids. You dragged them away from him for the last year.

You say you are fiscally independent, so that shouldn't be a factor.

So until you figure out why, you shouldn't go back.

I did you a disservice earlier. Only YOU know how you feel. You saw a side of your husband you've never seen. Traumatic! Guess what? He saw the same thing. If the only thing you see or feel when thinking about your husband is 'rapist', than you've already answered your question. You don't go back.

There are lots of bad therapists. Get some referrals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

This is what you said in your first post.....

Here’s my problem…. I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated. Is he good for me? No. But he’s been there for me when I needed him the most. Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him, but more… 


Now you are saying you broke it off months ago, which is it?

You seem to be changing the story to suit the answer you want.


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

I would just like to give my male perspective on him forcing himself on you.

1. You are asking for his forgiveness
2. He wants to see if you are serious about repenting and go out of your way to please and bond with him. (Yes I have had sex with my girlfriend when she is really horny because I love her, even if I'm not in the mood, it is called not being selfish). It is true that you are not obligated to, but it would show at minimum some action with your words of repent, which you did not. It does not all have to be about you and when you are in the mood. 
3. He did stop. I have been with controlling women before that have led me on and turned me on just to withhold when getting to the bedroom. It can take time for this no to compute because everything else leading up to it said yes. The OP was telling her husband that she was trying to make things right with him and when her actions showed otherwise it took a little time for this to compute.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I think actually her husband need the help to move on with his life. It will be better if she brought him here.


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> We have talked about custody, and due to my schedule and his (and of course, the interest of the children), 50/50 is already in effect. I don't want child support or anything like that. I want nothing. I gave him the house, his cars, you name it. I just wanted out immediately after the incident.
> I get it. I need therapy. Way ahead of everyone. It's not working. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to better my children, my husband, or myself.
> 
> 
> ...


That is very commendable of you to not rake him over the coals. This plus being honest that you do not care about him seems to be the best option. It is a good start.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Lost and Confused....here's what I suggest you do first...write down your interactions with your husband and with the other man as clearly and specifically as you can, to get it clear in your head.

The reason I suggest this is that your different posts give different impressions of how you interact with the other man. I am not accusing you of lying, but I think it would help you to be clear in your head about the details if you do that.

I agree with those who say you have no hope of rebuilding with your husband while you are seeing the other man.

As for rebuilding with your husband....well I am a betrayed spouse still with my wife, and the answer for me was pretty simple. One step at a time.

Start dating and rebuild the friendship. If you are committed to rebuild, you have to think a bit differently...you just focus on growing and developing what works. It's not like being single where you are deciding whether to continue in a relationship or break up, if you really want to be committed to the marriage.

Find common interests and share them. Communicate.

Accept that your infidelity and what your husband did will probably always hurt. Talk about it honestly, no holds barred, so at least it is a hurt you share together.

Others have said tell your husband everything. Well, I am going to suggest a slight variation. Tell your husband all of the core details (maybe you have already). And from there answer any questions he has. If you look around you will find a lot of discussion on how much to tell the betrayed spouse, and it seems different people want different levels of detail.

he key thing is, don't deceive your husband, because that destroys trust. Don't withhold anything because you are embarrassed or because you think it will hurt him. That just makes it harder to regain intimacy.

You do all that, and if you are like me, one day you will catch yourself looking at the person you married, and then loathed for a time, and thinking "They are pretty special and I'm damn lucky to have them!!!" 

It's an even nicer feeling second time around!

Edit : earlier, AnnieAsh posted in your thread. Here is a quote from her thread (post 1551 I think



> t is amazing what spending one on one time together can do. It makes me tear up to say that. A few weeks ago, I thought he was my worst enemy.


Here is her thread. A long one, but might give you some ideas...you could at least skim through her posts, then read other people's responses for the bits that interest you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54243-im-wife-emotional-affair.html


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Let me break apart what you wrote to me...



lostandconfused24 said:


> I don't think it's a question of whether or not I can forgive him, so much as it's difficult to even begin to forgive myself


You are absolutely right there! You need to forgive yourself. You see, you are so overwhelmed with guilt that you don't even feel worthy enough for your husband. This is why forgiveness is so key. You can only heal when forgiveness applies. Have you forgiven your husband's actions? Has he mentioned forgiving you of your adultery? It is a freeing thing to be forgiven by another with whom you have wronged. That needs to take place first! Let me throw out something, whether it applies to you or not. Do you realize that God can forgive you of any wrong you have done? I say that because personally, when I have done wrong and I truly confess the wrong to Him, He is faithful to forgive me and lift the guilt from within me. And He truly wants to exonerate you from the sin guilt that has entangled you so ingrossly, like a dark cloud that never will go away. What a freeing experience it is to be forgiven. You don't have to live the rest of your life with a dark cloud!



lostandconfused24 said:


> I am very aware of the amount of pain I have caused, and I want to fix it, but I feel like there's a brick wall in front of me.


Yes, the brick wall is your guilt...its that dark cloud I spoke about. It will remain until you are forgiven (either by your husband or God...but hopefully you experience both).



lostandconfused24 said:


> I occasionally see him, but it isn't a relationship.


That needs to stop my dear. In fact, if you are sincere about getting back with your husband (and I know you are), than you need to cease from all forms of communication from this other guy. "But we have history and friendship together," you might say. You cannot have a relationship with your husband again until all forms of communication stop with this other guy! I promise you this! If I were your husband, I would not want you back if you still had anything to do with this other guy. Having anything to do with this other guy is a slap in your husband face. It does not show your sincerity to what to change. Do you want to change? If so, prove it.



lostandconfused24 said:


> but I just can't seem to find that love again. He is so willing and so eager to move back in together and start off fresh, but I'm afraid that I will never love him like I used to again.... How do I solve that?


It thrills me to hear you say this, because what an awesome thing in this world when someone is willing to forgive and give someone another chance. Its a blessing and a rare one at that. This thing called "love" which is holding you back from jumping back together with your husband is going to take time. But mark my words about this, you will not gain that love once again if you have any communication with this other guy still AND if you are not back together with your husband. In other words, you will need to reconnect back with your husband again, before that love will return. I am not necessary saying to live together. Maybe if you are starting off fresh as he has mentioned...than start the dating process all over again. Trust needs to be regained. You don't fall in love overnight...it takes time.

My encouragement to you is to invest whatever time you can with your husband and you will discover your love for him returning and his love towards you. But I stand by what I have been saying all along...forgiveness is the key. It HAS to take place on both ends. And I think you will learn to forgive yourself more when you see how your husband treats you once again...to see how sincere he is about you.

I really do wish you all the best and I desire greatly for you to be rejoined with your husband once again and get back on the road to recovery and marriage and family. What an awesome thing to have. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, but pieces can be picked up and put together, like a puzzle of a greater picture. There is a great picture with your husband and your family...you both need to work together to find where those pieces fit in the grand scheme of the picture of life and soon enough you will see them all together and you will have a loving family once more. I am excited for you and what will happen in the not to distant future.

God know the thoughts He things towards you, which are thoughts of peace, and not calamity, but thoughts of a future and a hope.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Lost
> 
> Do not say you feel like a horrible person because you really are a horrible person and hear is why.
> 
> ...


My god what an awesome post.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Therapy only works if you do all of the work. You seem to only want to address the things that you want to address. Notice how you conveniently ignore all of the questions and comments about still sleeping with the other man but then complain about how therapy doesn't work.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> What do I do? Do I stay with the guy I had an affair with? Or do I try to fix my family? I know some will tell me to just be alone, and I promise, I did that for a couple months too. I’m just not happy anymore. My life is an absolute mess, and I want to make everyone happy, but it’s killing me………. Help me, please!


Sorry, but I have to say that I lost track of what it really was that you wanted from this thread. So I had to recap.

No one can tell you what to do, because you don't know yourself what it is that you want.

You need to figure out if you want marriage or not - are you the marriage type? Or do you wish to party and pursue in-love experiences with different people who gives you attention?

Think hard, because I believe you will be able to see the obvious answer in front of you once you know which path is yours.


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## ConvergingHeart (Oct 22, 2012)

Lost, you did your man wrong. On every level. You probably should not be married and you need to figure a lot of things out about yourself. 

BUT

Your husband absolutely and without question forced himself on you and that is RAPE! NO ONE has a right to force sex on you under any circumstances. It was NOT hysterical bonding, it was not him trying to reclaim you...it was forced intercourse and he broke the law! Husband, boyfriend, friend, stranger! No matter who they are, you have a right to refuse sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Just like BS do not have a right to go cheat after being cheated on. He does not get to force sex on you because you cheated and he needs to be alpha and some such crap that has been spouted in this thread. F'ck that. 

Knowing that he is capable of forcing sex shows that is he not a good person either. Doesn't matter that he didn't finish, the second you were not reciprocating, he had no right to go any further. 

You two need to stay away from eachother. Divorce and move on. You BOTH need to work on being better people.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Wow, I take a couple months hiatus from TAM and this is what I come back to: 9 pages glossing over, excusing, justifying, and even promoting spousal rape. 

This place is looney toons. TAM has gone full retard and jumped the shark. 

And I say all that as a betrayed spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Therapy only works if you do all of the work. You seem to only want to address the things that you want to address. Notice how you conveniently ignore all of the questions and comments about still sleeping with the other man but then complain about how therapy doesn't work.


This is interesting as I am listening to a program about prisons and their rates of re offending. Many have said that part of the problem is that they are released into the same environment AND *same friends* that led them to prison.

So hanging around the same person and same friends that led you to adultery in the first place will --most likely --lead you there again.


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## ConvergingHeart (Oct 22, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Wow, I take a couple months hiatus from TAM and this is what I come back to: 9 pages glossing over, excusing, justifying, and even promoting spousal rape.
> 
> This place is looney toons. TAM has gone full retard and jumped the shark.
> 
> ...


Thank you! It's quite disgusting...I lurked this site of getting good ideas about dealing with my husbands infidelity, but this thread is what I find...I'm clearly better off figuring it out for myself than trying to take advice from people that say forced sex from her husband is her fault. Just vile!


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*Let me see if I got this correct. You were a single mother and a wonderful man married you. Then you and H have a child together too. Do you work or do you stay at home with the kids? I know taking care of the kids is a job too. Why could you not turn that old play (your hubby) into new play(got to keep it clean )? Look just because this OM rocked your world does not make him future hubby. Girl you can't trust a man that cheats with you. Do you really think OM will be around after you get divorced? You have an emotional connection with the OM. Let's go woman to woman here for a minute. I am going to keep it real for you now. Girl you are a mother and it's not just your life. You need to get it together. This is not high school anymore :scratchhead:. You think OM is going to support you and your kids? Your husband still loves the kids and you. Until you stop sleeping with the OM you don't know what you really want or need.

IMO your H was trying to make love to you because he was hurting so much (forcing nothing) . But you need to be honest you just did not want him. Rape is wrong and I don't agree that anyone should deal with it. But I don't think Hubby raped you. You were just looking for an excuse to leave your Hubby. I say this because you still involved with the OM. You got your H thinking he is the bad guy. You never loved your Hubby .Do your Hubby the honor of letting him go. You don't want him so get your divorce. Let H find a woman that can love and respect him. You ended your marriage along time ago. Plus you still sleeping with the OM. 
*


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

ConvergingHeart said:


> Thank you! It's quite disgusting...I lurked this site of getting good ideas about dealing with my husbands infidelity, but this thread is what I find...I'm clearly better off figuring it out for myself than trying to take advice from people that say forced sex from her husband is her fault. Just vile!


Did you read any of the other threads?

Don't judge everyone on this site because of the comments of a few.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

ConvergingHeart said:


> Thank you! It's quite disgusting...I lurked this site of getting good ideas about dealing with my husbands infidelity, but this thread is what I find...I'm clearly better off figuring it out for myself than trying to take advice from people that say forced sex from her husband is her fault. Just vile!


*Your huband is cheating on you . No one here can tell you what to do. Help can come from different opinions . But you have to make a choice to stay with your H or leave. If your H is not sorry about cheating , he might take the A underground. If your H is a repeat cheater , he will not stop sleeping around. I wish you luck with that issue. *


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Please send your husband to this site so that he can get the support that he desperately needs. You've obviously checked out of the marriage - love him but not in love with him - and he needs to get some advice on how to move on.
> 
> Do him a favor and file for divorce if your heart isn't into being married to him.
> 
> And by the way, you might want to look up the definition of what a 'troll' is. Most of the advice that you got were from veterans of this forum. The fact that you disagreed with said advice doesn't make them trolls.


:iagree:


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

lostandconfused...I believe in you! I do not judge you, nor do I look at your actions as any different than anyone else.

You have many accusers in TAM that have chips on their shoulders and are vial, angry, bitter people that thrive on discouraging and hurting others and to what end.

They feel that as long as they have not committed adultery, they are in the clear and better than you are.

I really mean this when I tell you, you are a lot better than all of your accusers who stand by and act all self-righteous.

I believe you have it in you to do what is right and to seek for restoration with your husband and to have a loving family once again. I see you back together with your husband. Make it happen...it will be one of the best things you can ever do. Yes, you have done wrong, you have acknowledge it, confessed it, and it is time to move on from the guilt and to receive forgiveness and healing. Its going to take time, but it starts with you saying that you no longer desire to have this dark cloud hovering over you. It starts with you deciding that you want to make things right, that you are willing to lay down your inhibitions to pursue a family once again. And when this is all said and done with, you can change your username to foundandforgiven.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> lostandconfused...I believe in you! I do not judge you, nor do I look at your actions as any different than anyone else.
> 
> You have many accusers in TAM that have chips on their shoulders and are vial, angry, bitter people that thrive on discouraging and hurting others and to what end.
> 
> ...



You sound like a cheater.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> We both made mistakes. Big ones. The question is: Is there any coming back from it? Or should I honestly just walk away from my marriage?


The answer to your question, "is there any coming back from it", depends on how you frame, in your mind, what he did to you upon finding out you had an affair.

If you believe that what he did is "rape", in the same context as what happens when a stranger grabs a woman and drags her into the bushes and forcibly takes her sexually, then the answer is no, there is no way any normal thinking human can ever forgive another human for doing that to them. So, if you see it as this, then it's over, file for divorce and move on. I might note that, if he is guilty of this act, painted with such a broad stroke of the brush (rape), then I doubt it would be a good idea to allow him any access to your children.

If, on the other-hand, you see a distinction between what a stranger in the bushes does and what happened between you and your husband, and if you think that what he did is in no way as heinous as what a stranger in the bushes does, then you might be able to move past it. You need to make that definition clear in your head, outside of popular declarations that there is no distinction.

Assuming you are able to move past that, then, of course, the next problem you have is the question of not loving him. To me, it's obvious, if you are self sufficient, and you doubt your love, then in my opinion it makes no sense to jump back into your marriage until you are certain about the way you feel about him.

Explain all this to him and explain that you need to come to terms with your own feelings and that nothing can move forward until you've found a way to work past those two major obstacles.

T


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You sound like a cheater.


Oh no my dear sir...I have been faithfully married once for 11 1/2 years with 3 beautiful children. Never, never, never any infidelity of any kind.

I have sympathy for cheaters who are remorseful for their actions and own up to them. I have sympathy for those seeking forgiveness and restoration. I am for the family unit.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Oh no my dear sir...I have been faithfully married once for 11 1/2 years with 3 beautiful children. Never, never, never any infidelity of any kind.
> 
> I have sympathy for cheaters who are remorseful for their actions and own up to them. I have sympathy for those seeking forgiveness and restoration. I am for the family unit.


Is your husband a cheater?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You sound like a cheater.


Maybe. 

It's not a crime to disagree with the prevailing orthodoxy on TAM, or to provide alternate views.

Everyone always talks about the TAM vets...being on TAM a lot doesn't necessarily make you good at relationships. I have no doubt that some TAM posters are driven by bitterness. She said some of the posters were vile. I don't know about that but some of the things written in this thread were certainly vile.

The fact that some marriages end due to infidelity doesn't mean they all have to.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> .
> 
> .* I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated*.
> 
> ...


*The OP has fallen in love with the OM and does not want her husband anymore. By OP own words she has feeling for the OM . So know one on TAM is being mean . This is the way the OP feels. Notice OP is still having a relationship with the OM.*


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> Oh no my dear sir...I have been faithfully married once for 11 1/2 years with 3 beautiful children. Never, never, never any infidelity of any kind.
> 
> I have sympathy for cheaters who are remorseful for their actions and own up to them. I have sympathy for those seeking forgiveness and restoration. I am for the family unit.


* You need to go back and read the OP 1st post. OP is still having a relationship with the OM. So that does not sound like she is remorseful. * :scratchhead:.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> * You need to go back and read the OP 1st post. OP is still having a relationship with the OM. So that does not sound like she is remorseful. * :scratchhead:.


I understand that she is still in communication with the OM, she has mentioned that, but she is not "involved" with him. I see things from lostandconfused persepctive...I really do. She is torn between two worlds. She is "lost" and "confused". That is why she has come to this forum...looking for guidance, understanding, sound advice, etc.

I have encourage lostandconfused that if she is sincere about getting back with her husband (which I know she is), she needs to stop all forms of communication with the OM. It is a choice that she needs to make. And I wish her all the best in making that choice to cut off OM. I know it is extremely hard for her, but she can do it...I know she can. She is not without hope!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> She is not without hope!


If you say so.

And with that I'm exiting this thread.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostandconfused24 said:


> I want to make my marriage work, but I don't want to end up back here again... I want to give him his wife back, but I have no idea where to find her....


THIS is the real problem here, lost. YOU don't know who YOU are. And you try to fill that void by getting men to define you. 

You said you 'tried' to be alone for TWO WHOLE MONTHS and you 'didn't like it.'

Do you see how bad that sounds?

Here's my advice. 

(1)Tell your IC that you need to learn to love yourself so that you don't need a man's attention to feel whole, loved, worthwhile (fill in the blank). Have IC work on that with you. For at least a year.

(2)Tell your husband that you were a schmuck and you're suprised he'd even want you after what you did, but you're glad he's willing. Ask him to start going to MC with you, once a month. This will help you two stay connected in the interim, while you're busy working on yourself.

(3)Tell your OM that you can't see him any more. Tell him that you can't commit to your marriage while he is still a fallback plan. End it TODAY.

(4) Start focusing your time on your kids. For now. Look at it like studying for a final - for a WHILE, you can go without pleasing yourself, cos you know you have a deadline, and can party after the test if over. For a WHILE, get your pleasure solely from your kids. Yes, you CAN live without being selfish and giving yourself instant gratification. Lots of grown people do it. It may be hard for you to get used to, but it can be done, if you do it for the right reason. And your right reason is so you can turn into the well-rounded, emotionally healthy person who will be a better person, mother, wife for the rest of your life. Consider the next few months to be you cramming for that test.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostandconfused24 said:


> Or should I honestly just walk away from my marriage?


What would that serve? You would just repeat the same crap in the next relationship. You say therapy isn't doing it for you? I call BS. Sorry, but if you wanted it badly enough, you'd be investing in the therapy and asking for more. What you seem to want is an easy way out. There is none.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostandconfused24 said:


> I've been seeing a therapist since Feb. Honestly, if anything, I feel worse than I did when it first happened. Should I seek another therapist?


 Therapy is meant to help you work through your issues. It's not meant to make you feel better. Not until you have your aha moment and figure out why you're doing what you do.

Try a different one, for sure, if you feel he/she isn't challenging you enough to get to the core of why you choose self-destructive actions.

And definitely ask your IC to help you get to the root of why you packed up and left that night. It's a fair bet that it wasn't because he forced himself on you. IMO, that was a convenient excuse, for you to have just moved out that night. Either you have violence in your past and you triggered, or you really just wanted to leave. You need to know.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> * You need to go back and read the OP 1st post. OP is still having a relationship with the OM. So that does not sound like she is remorseful. * :scratchhead:.


She's confused. Hard to tell if there is remorse there for sure. Reminds me of Annie Ash two or three weeks ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

forevermemorable said:


> She is not without hope!


I agree with this. She only has to decide to start making better choices, to stop being self (and others) destructive.
Let's see, She was mostly happyly married, she cheted, just because, she confessed at the worse time (not thinking in her betrayed husband but on herself), she run off due his husband reaction (wich might be a rape attempt ot not). Did she chose better? Nope, she run with OM!

She's in therapy. Did she learn something? Nope. It's over a year after that and she's still with OM!!

Still I hope, for her sake, for her childrens sake, she starts chosing better.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I agree with this. She only has to decide to start making better choices, to stop being self (and others) destructive.
> Let's see, She was mostly happyly married, she cheted, just because, she confessed at the worse time (not thinking in her betrayed husband but on herself), she run off due his husband reaction (wich might be a rape attempt ot not). Did she chose better? Nope, she run with OM!
> 
> She's in therapy. Did she learn something? Nope. It's over a year after that and she's still with OM!!
> ...


*This comment* :iagree:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She's in therapy. Did she learn something? Nope. It's over a year after that and she's still with OM!!
> 
> *Still I hope, for her sake, for her childrens sake, she starts chosing better.*


:iagree:

OP,

" .......When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers......."

After all is said and done your children's future is at stake.

Take some time, sit adown and reflect on your life and the choices you have made.
Then think about your children.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> (3)Tell your OM that you can't see him any more. Tell him that you can't commit to your marriage while he is still a fallback plan. End it TODAY.


Lets make it perfectly clear since she is so Lost and Confused.

It means you cannot text, email, speak to or physically see each other ever again. No forms of communicatrion with the AffairPartner is acceptable.

It is bad for you and it disrespectful towards your Husband.

I hope this makes you less confused.....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'd like to know what lostandconfused24's therapist say about the possible rape. If that is what happned I can't imagine any counselor sugesting any woman to go back to her rapist. The fact she's considering going back except she feels disconected towards him makes me believe IC doesn't consider it like that, therefore unfixable. I'm obviously speculating here.

I'd also like to know what her therapist says about the cheating, about running off with OM, about the relationship she still has with the conspirator in this nigtmare.

I'd also like to know what her threapist says about not geting herself bipolar medications. Didn't IC suggest the cheating/confession/runnin ocurred while in a manic phase?

lostandconfused24, are you scared of your husband? Do you believe she can harm you again? Do you believe he will punish you for the cheating, for leaving him for OM? Does he know you left for OM, that you are still with him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see where you're coming from, acadabo, and I usually STRONGLY side with rape victims. But I'm having a hard time doing so this time.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

lostandconfused24,

For the most part anything posted after this point will be a restatement of a position already covered. Someone adding their yea or nay to a given point of view.

You have been served well here; the issues involved in your dilemma have been aired from several opposing viewpoints. Your behavior critiqued and you motives discussed.

When all is said and done, often a lot more is said than done.

You find yourself right back where you started but with a group of supporters in every camp.

The tough decision still rests with you. 

Your husband, your children, the other man, family, friends, and lastly you, will all be affected by what you do, no one gets to move on (for now) until you decide.

Did you ever imagine that you would be the pivot on which the happiness, health, and wellbeing (the destinies) of all these people would turn. Who would have thought that God would have invested so much latent power in a vagina, and then go on to give them to so many of his daughters who did not have the wisdom or the virtue to use them for good.

Think carefully about what you do next. In the past you made selfish decisions based on your own happiness. I believe you regret that now. (We all have regrets). 

As you consider what to do remember that there is a difference between selfishness and self-interest.

We all make decisions with some self interest in mind that is normal. The goal is to consider the interest of those you love, to understand the principles of life that apply to your situation, and to make the best decision POSSIBLE for the good of all, and to commit to it and follow through, and pay the price to be that kind of person.

When I read about some 40 or 50 year old wife and mother who loses weight, gets a boob job, buys new underwear, and destroys her family to skrew some dlck, I wonder what she will think in 10 years of what she has done.

Lost,
In a few months my youngest (daughter) of 4 children will turn 18, I promise you that I can still feel her in my arms as a baby, I feel like I must have some missing time, I can’t believe it.

In this life, time is a straight line, I am ahead of you but you will get here, sooner than you can believe.

The decision you make now, will decide if you will have a clear conscience or a mind that cannot bear to face the truth at that time.

It’s your call, now what direction will you decide to go, what are the first steps you must take to get you there?

Don’t worry about the posters here, your thread will fall into the black hole of an archive here, but your decisions will be permanently imprinted in the lives of those most dear to you and the lives of people dear to you who have not yet come into this world.

Think it through, then…

Tell us, what will you do?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If they will cheat with you chances are they will cheat on you!

Affairs usually do not have a long life span, maybe 2 years max.

I would say to give yourself time with out either on of them or any man!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ConvergingHeart said:


> Thank you! It's quite disgusting...I lurked this site of getting good ideas about dealing with my husbands infidelity, but this thread is what I find...I'm clearly better off figuring it out for myself than trying to take advice from people that say forced sex from her husband is her fault. Just vile!




I like TAM for its way of telling the truth without sugar coating it. Its some times hard but most of the time this hard comments help the BS to see the reality than sugar coated words.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*OP I think what would be best for you is not having a man now. OP you need to spend time with your kids. I am not sure if you answered my question . I had asked if you are a stay home mom? I know you are going to IC that is great. But I feel you should cut out the OM and Hubby. You need to work on you now. As a mother your kids need you to be stronge for them. At this point that is the one thing you can do right. Just go and do things with the kids. I would bet the smiles on their faces will light up yours. *


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## Highway run (Oct 22, 2012)

michzz said:


> I think you need time NOT with any man.
> 
> One guy is willing to intrude on a marriage with you.
> 
> ...


OP I agree. You need to take time for yourself and your children.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> *OP I think what would be best for you is not having a man now. OP you need to spend time with your kids. I am not sure if you answered my question . I had asked if you are a stay home mom? I know you are going to IC that is great. But I feel you should cut out the OM and Hubby. You need to work on you now. As a mother your kids need you to be stronge for them. At this point that is the one thing you can do right. Just go and do things with the kids. I would bet the smiles on their faces will light up yours. *


She cannot totally cut out the hubby. She has to see him if only in matters concerning the child.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I like TAM for its way of telling the truth without sugar coating it. Its some times hard but most of the time this hard comments help the BS to see the reality than sugar coated words.


Sometimes. At other times it can cause a BS to give up hope and end the marriage too soon I am sure. And I think it is way to hard on cheating spouse...this thread being a case in point.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'd like to know what lostandconfused24's therapist say about the possible rape. If that is what happned I can't imagine any counselor sugesting any woman to go back to her rapist. The fact she's considering going back except she feels disconected towards him makes me believe IC doesn't consider it like that, therefore unfixable. I'm obviously speculating here.
> ......
> lostandconfused24, are you scared of your husband? Do you believe she can harm you again?


I think this is a key point. While I am of the view that what LostandConfused described was definitely rape, and wrong, I believe there were extenuating circumstances. If they are ever to reconcile they need to get to a place where they can talk about it and trust each other.

I don't want to reopen the whole "Was it rape?" thing...I just want to say that whatever it was they need to talk about it.

When my wife's affair came out it was an explosive situation. While I didn't do anything like L&Cs husband, I certainly did some things that are out of character and that I am ashamed of. It hurt so much. And my wife wasn't with me when I found out. How would I have reacted had she been, and I didn't have time to think? I wonder....I certainly did some things and said some things I am ashamed of in coming to terms with her infidelity.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> She cannot totally cut out the hubby. She has to see him if only in matters concerning the child.



*Ok I was just trying to keep it clean . But IMHO OP needs to not have sexual relations until she finds out what she needs. Being confused right now , sex will just confuse her more. She need to continue with IC and spend time with the kids.Yes she will be co-parenting with hubby that is a given. *


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I guess she didn't like being taken to task for her behavior. Probably not coming back.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*TAM is a great way to get help from both sides . OP you're getting information from cheaters and spouses that have been cheated on. Oh Op you also get help from people that have never been cheated on. IMHO help comes in all kinds of ways. OP you should take all this information as ways to help you . (the good,bad and the ugly). It is great people here who want to see you happy. You will finds mothers/fathers who are thinking about your kids . If moma is not happy , the kids can tell it . IMHO you need to work on you. I do think you can finds some good in doing fun things with the kids (relaxing and taking your mind off things). You do need to stay in IC because it will help you too. *


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop posting, OP is long gone.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> I guess she didn't like being taken to task for her behavior. Probably not coming back.


*She is not gone keep in mind she has a small baby too. That OP might have a job and is very busy. Not every posters has internet at home. Plus she might be doing what most do reading other threads/post too. Don't forget she does not have to log in to read. *


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> I guess she didn't like being taken to task for her behavior. Probably not coming back.





mrstj4sho88 said:


> *She is not gone keep in mind she has a small baby too. That OP might have a job and is very busy. Not every posters has internet at home. Plus she might be doing what most do reading other threads/post too. Don't forget she does not have to log in to read. *


Why are some people still so ready to criticize her? mrstj is right. Not everyone can be glued to their computer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why? Because, if she IS reading, she needs to understand that this is NOT a problem with the MEN in her life. This is HER problem to be fixed.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Why? Because, if she IS reading, she needs to understand that this is NOT a problem with the MEN in her life. This is HER problem to be fixed.


That can be said without all the criticism and downright meanness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sure. Let's all be love and butterflies. You know, to ensure no one leaves.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Sure. Let's all be love and butterflies. You know, to ensure no one leaves.


As opposed to let's be so mean that those we judge to be 'bad people' leave?

There is no excuse for meanness.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sure. Let's all be love and butterflies. You know, to ensure no one leaves.


Yes, exactly . There is no wrong, no right, only what is wanted.

Hugs for everyone. Cheaters are the real victims,

Ok, sarcasm over, time to return to reality,


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> As opposed to let's be so mean that those we judge to be 'bad people' leave?
> 
> There is no excuse for meanness.


If you can't state that immoral wrong things are wrong out of fear of offending the people choosing to do those wrong things, then things are really messed up.

There is right and wrong. Cheating is wrong, with no gray area. None.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you can't state that immoral wrong things are wrong out of fear of offending the people choosing to do those wrong things, then things are really messed up.
> 
> There is right and wrong. Cheating is wrong, with no gray area. None.


I agree that cheating is wrong. No argument there. But I don't agree that it is necessary to 'rub someone's nose' in their mistakes when they come to you for help.

What she did is in the past. It seems some here can't move past it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> As opposed to let's be so mean that those we judge to be 'bad people' leave?
> 
> There is no excuse for meanness.


 bull****.

When someone comes here and exhibits destructive, dysfunctional behavior, they need to be introduced to THEIR BEHAVIOR.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> I agree that cheating is wrong. No argument there. But I don't agree that it is necessary to 'rub someone's nose' in their mistakes when they come to you for help.
> 
> *What she did is in the past*. It seems some here can't move past it.


Uh...WHO EXACTLY is *still* hanging out with her cheating partner?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lostandconfused24 said:


> ..... I am very aware of the amount of pain I have caused, and I want to fix it, but I feel like there's a brick wall in front of me. I broke it off with the other man months ago. I occasionally see him, but it isn't a relationship. ..





turnera said:


> bull****.
> 
> When someone comes here and exhibits destructive, dysfunctional behavior, they need to be introduced to THEIR BEHAVIOR.


I believe she is well aware of her behavior



turnera said:


> Uh...WHO EXACTLY is *still* hanging out with her cheating partner?


She doesn't define 'occasionally see him", but she does state there is no relationship. "see him' could mean a number of different things. Why not ask her to clarify rather than imply the worst?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> She doesn't define 'occasionally see him", but she does state there is no relationship. "see him' could mean a number of different things. Why not ask her to clarify rather than imply the worst?




, optimism, I love optimism.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because...once a cheater...?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> I agree that cheating is wrong. No argument there. But I don't agree that it is necessary to 'rub someone's nose' in their mistakes when they come to you for help.
> 
> What she did is in the past. It seems some here can't move past it.


She is still honking up with him. She danced around it, but its clear she was hooking up with him and having sex. 

The OM,wasn't am book club partner. He was a sex and affir partner, when she sees him it's for sex.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Trenton said:


> It's funny though because when you take the below findings from MSNBC, AARP, & Abstract Psychology Today Papers, your stupid sentences seem even more ignorant than they already did just on first glance and that, that, is quite a feat!
> 
> "The majority of midlife divorces are initiated by women. Don't believe it? In the AARP survey, 66 percent of women reported that they asked for the divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. And men more often than women were caught off-guard by their divorce.."
> 
> ...


Actually, it *jibes* very well. In fact, thanks for providing all that data backing up my argument. I appreciate the help. Men are marrying later and in lower numbers, even when the women they are marrying are sans kids. Why is this? Possibly it has something to do with the well known statistic that women instigate 3/4 of divorces, which it itself a good reason for men to seriously weigh the risk of divorce theft. After all, a guy can date a lot of girls for the value of half his possessions plus alimony.

Ever notice how often some Beta/Delta raises some Alpha bad boy's kids and then when they are out of school the mother of said kids divorces Beta/Delta? Even better is the all too common situation of the Beta/Delta adopting the kids his wife had by Alpha punk, followed shortly by divorce and child support for kids that Beta/Delta adopted. It's a beautiful trick.



Trenton said:


> Men have always been able to pay for sex and if you have power and money and are the Alpha Dominator of All Hot Sexy Women You Want to Stick Your Penis In then you should have no problem getting lots of sex with or without marriage.


I agree.




Trenton said:


> Marriage, when it works, is about security, love, commitment, mutual exploration and enjoyment. Oh duh!


Those are the things marriage is about for modern women, for the most part. Marriage originated as a contract where men would have exclusive and undeniable sexual rights to a woman in order to ensure paternity. In return, the man promised to provide food, shelter, and physical security to the woman. Offspring belonged to the husband and stayed with him in the event of a split. Love really didn't have a lot to do with it, at least at the start of the relationship. The commitment was the contract itself. 

So, what does all that have to do with a young single guy saddling himself with a woman who has a ready-made brood? What's in it for the guy? The real world SMP does not run on true love, soul mates, rainbows, or unicorns.



Trenton said:


> And here's another MEMO I don't think you received...no self respecting single mother would want to marry an Alpha Dominator who was threatened by women.


I think you're a little confused on the terminology. Here's a good explanation of the Male Sexual Hierarchy. Read it and you'll see that men don't get to choose where they are on the attraction ladder; a guy can't say "I am Alpha," women decide a man's place for him. Alphas and Sigmas are the guys most women desire as revealed by the actions of said women. They're the guys women are most drawn to when they are ovulating, and yes, they're the guys who make single mamas, because the soon-to-be mamas are attracted to them like the moth to the flame (to coin a phrase).



Trenton said:


> You're a misogynist and a really pompous turd of one.


Misogynist? Just because I correctly point out that young men should avoid women who already have children by other men? How do you figure that makes me a hater of all women (misogynist)?



Trenton said:


> A great single mother who can show a man that she is self sufficient, a nurturing mother and able to juggle all these roles is by far a tremendous catch for a kind, understanding, hot and intelligent man.


Only if she's wealthy and the guy is a gold digger. Or if the guy is older and has a prenup ready. Or if the woman is a very high quality widow. Otherwise, no man should ever find himself in the Delta/Gamma role as the raiser of some Alpha/Sigma's by-blow.



Trenton said:


> Only a man that when asked if he would marry a single mother answers, *"It depends on the circumstance,"* is worthy of the love any single mother has to offer. Yeps.


See above response, but as I pointed out earlier, it primarily depends on the MAN'S circumstances. Never gamble more than you can afford to lose and a young, single, never married man has way too much to lose to put his dough on the line in that game.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> *Ok I was just trying to keep it clean . But IMHO OP needs to not have sexual relations until she finds out what she needs. Being confused right now , sex will just confuse her more. She need to continue with IC and spend time with the kids.Yes she will be co-parenting with hubby that is a given. *


Think I agree. Certainly worth considering.

If she were sure she wanted to reconcile resuming sexual relations might be good, but if unsure, yes it's dynamite.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Think I agree. Certainly worth considering.
> 
> If she were sure she wanted to reconcile resuming sexual relations might be good, but if unsure, yes it's dynamite.



She should just say no because she is very unsure .


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Because...once a cheater...?


You believe once a cheater always a cheater? In that case I understand the negative tone of your posts. 

I don't believe it's true. 

Lost and Confused...here is your challenge. There are people here who believe that if you are a cheater you will always be a cheater. 

And there are those of use who want to help you prove these guys wrong. And you can. I've seen it done.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

"Once a cheater, always a cheater", is spot on, IF the cheater continues the same behavior patterns and mindset that they had to cause the cheating in the first place. This poster is simply unwilling to change her ways, so she is still cheating and will continue to cheat until she effects the behavioral changes necessary.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> " This poster is simply unwilling to change her ways


Don't confuse finding it hard with not wanting to. People are fallible. Everyone.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> , optimism, I love optimism.


Reconciliation is uncertain. Painful and hard. Sometimes you need optimism to get through. Sometimes you are on the cusp of giving up, and whether you persist or walk away depends on emotions.

Who helped you the most in life, the people who encouraged you or the people who told you you were useless and doomed?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Don't confuse finding it hard with not wanting to. People are fallible. Everyone.


Waz, constantly making excuses for people isn't really helpful, though it sometimes feels good.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Reconciliation is uncertain. Painful and hard. Sometimes you need optimism to get through. Sometimes you are on the cusp of giving up, and whether you persist or walk away depends on emotions.
> 
> Who helped you the most in life, the people who encouraged you or the people who told you you were useless and doomed?


Who helps you the most, those who tell you the truth or those who lie to you? How honest can your R truly be , if you cannot face the unpleasant facts?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Waz, constantly making excuses for people isn't really helpful, though it sometimes feels good.


Does ripping into them feel good?

Cos to be blunt, some of the cruel crap piled on L&C upset me so much* I* almost quit TAM over it. And I'm an observer. I can only imagine how *she* felt.

I'm not accusing you of that BB. I had other posts in mind.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Who helps you the most, those who tell you the truth or those who lie to you? How honest can your R truly be , if you cannot face the unpleasant facts?


There is such a thing as speaking the truth in love. No point in speaking the truth if you couch it in terms so unpalatable that the person you "want to help" is too hurt to listen and consider your message.

BB, reconciliation is hard and it hurts. Yes you need truth but you also need the heart to keep going. Sometimes you feel like giving up.

And with that let's park this. It's getting too close to a thread jack, and I am quite upset by some of what I have read in this thread so I am finding it hard to be objective. I would leave the thread but if L&C comes back I want to be here for her.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I agree, Waz, that is why I never insult a person, but simply stae facts. Although when you consider what the WS has done (lying, disrespect, etc) I don't buy that their feelings are that tender. Where were these tender feelings during the affair?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I agree, Waz, that is why I never insult a person, but simply stae facts. Although when you consider what the WS has done (lying, disrespect, etc) I don't buy that their feelings are that tender. Where were these tender feelings during the affair?



*I agree BB*

*JMO when posting on an open forum you get the good,bad and the ugly. Help comes in all kinds of ways. It is not right to jump on wonderful TAM posters. Someone forgot about the OP and started talking about problems of their own . IMHO everyone here wants to help the OP. Just maybe if we all stay on topic it can happen. Some come here start a topic and just read for help. Not all OPs will have time to check the thread daily. Don't forget this OP has two babies ,IC, and maybe a job too. If we don't help her,someone else reading the thread might get helped :smthumbup:. *


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Not all OPs will have time to check the thread daily. Don't forget this OP has two babies ,IC, and maybe a job too. *If we don't help her,someone else reading the thread might get helped* :smthumbup:. [/B][/COLOR]


:iagree:
I think that this is one of the main purpose of the forum.
I think that most of the posters here came looking for help, and got helped in some way or the other and decided to share their experience/ knowledge.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> I think that this is one of the main purpose of the forum.
> I think that most of the posters here came looking for help, and got helped in some way or the other and decided to share their experience/ knowledge.



:iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I agree, Waz, that is why I never insult a person, but simply stae facts. Although when you consider what the WS has done (lying, disrespect, etc) I don't buy that their feelings are that tender. Where were these tender feelings during the affair?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

She is not a BS, she is a person who knowingly cheated on her husband and confessed when her husband was badly in need of her support. She did more harm by straight away running to OMs arms by saying he raped her. She continued to disrespect him by being with OM for a year with his child with her. I dont feel any sympathy for her. She disrespected her husband in the worst way many other cheaters wont do. 
What she expect from this forum? someone saying what you did is wrong, its OK now move on with your life with your husband as he is the best cuckold you can find? This is an internet forum people will judge the posters by what they throw up as their experience, this is same for BS and WS.
She came with the "I did him wrong, but what now?", She know she did wrong to him, what she did to make it right? Did she thrown the OM under the bus and went to her husband on her knees begging for forgiveness? NO. Is she remorseful for the hurt she caused? NO. She is still fence sitting and eating the cake. Did she apologised him for disrespecting him and taking away his child from him to OM? NO. When one know they did something wrong they will do many thing to ease the pain they caused. This we learn from the beginning when we learn to say "sorry" to our parents, friends and siblings when we were young. Don't she know that? 
After one year being with OM now she want to know what to do when she realized OM is not a knight. Many advised her to take her time and be herself for a year, then? Does that mean she can waste the precious time of her husbands life for finding out about herself. she should do her self search not as a married women but as a single mother. She should not find herself on someone else s expense,she should do it on her own. Because her husband too deserve happiness and a family.
If she run away from this forum saying TAM is hard its her loss. IMO we are not here to keep her here by what she wanted to hear. Lots of perspective she is getting here, she can take what she want.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Clearly, she isn't good for husband since she cheated and stayed in contact with OM. 

But, her husband is a scum bag. I don't care that she cheated, that doesn't give any man (even a husband) the right to force sex on someone. I don't care how desperate he needed to feel alpha. What is did is spousal rape and she should have pressed charges. 

She was right to leave him. She just went in the wrong direction. 

She needs help and he needs help. 

They just shouldn't do it together.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Clearly, she isn't good for husband since she cheated and stayed in contact with OM.
> 
> But, her husband is a scum bag. I don't care that she cheated, that doesn't give any man (even a husband) the right to force sex on someone. I don't care how desperate he needed to feel alpha. What is did is spousal rape and she should have pressed charges.
> 
> ...


How wonderful for the kids. Who will they call 'daddy' next?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JCD said:


> How wonderful for the kids. Who will they call 'daddy' next?


 My best friend in junior high was living with 'daddy' #7.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

JCD said:


> How wonderful for the kids. Who will they call 'daddy' next?


They should of thought of that before she turned into a cheater and he decided to sexually assault their mother.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

JCD said:


> How wonderful for the kids. Who will they call 'daddy' next?


It doesn't matter. Just so the BH keeps the child support checks coming.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> She was right to leave him. She just went in the wrong direction.
> She needs help and he needs help.
> They just shouldn't do it together.


:iagree:


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