# Learning to love yourself. possible?



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Me, married wife and 2 adult kids.Had a lot of hardships growing up.The image, I have of myself is totally different than the image and view everyone has of me.I'm seen as smart,okay looking,
mechanically enclined and responsible.

My inside view of myself is I hate me.I hide it very well.I have
BPD and depression a long time,but I still full do what is
required of me as a husband dad and worker.

I have had counseling but,it never helped me learn how to come to
love the person I am.I have hated who I am from a really early age.

Can you really deep down learn to love yourself?
I'm getting older and I don't think I'll ever learn how to.

Any advice for posters?Thanks for any views or advice.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I think forgiveness heals and you need to forgive yourself for your past. Most BPD stories I hear have some semblance of childhood trauma. Sadly enough I think we are just older versions of our childhood. I can still remember many hurtful things my father said to me and his lack of compassion. I decided that that generational curse was going to stop at him. I hug and kiss my son and tell him I love him every day, things my dad only said to me while he was drunk. 

Also get some male friends and do some manly things like shooting arrows at innocent tasty animals. Testosterone is a good thing in moderation


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Love is a verb. Start with actions. Eat well, exercise, bring out the good china, do something fun just for you.

Learn to love you and the feeling will follow.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Thank you for the replies.I always have taken care of my self
physically.It's just in my mind,I have image of myself that I
have always hated.I guess a big percentage of us people
are messed up one way or another.

Thankfully I have always wanted to work and learn to become 
very handy.My therapist told me by doing is how I have coped
with my low self esteem.I guess I'm lucky,I never became
self destructive.


I'm so glad I found the TAM forum.In a way it is healthy therapy.
I know I am not alone.There's many people just like me who
struggle but don't give up the fight.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When you say BPD to you mean Bi-Polar or borderline personality disorder?

I think Mavash nailed it, as usual

There is no magic pill or perfect slogan. It's a daily process of letting go of internal thoughts that bring you down. Replacing them with thoughts that affirm self love, and recognizing how stress interferes with that process. day by day, you take a step to make a change, day by day, day by day...


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Don't have any diagnosis, but I can relate to mostly not liking me. Like you stems from my upbringing. 

My dad said verbally on many occasions and implied it on others, that I should never have been born. Even said it to me on my 8th birthday. 

I'm 52 and in all those decades since I still look at myself with contempt. Chasing after the ghost of my father for admiration and approval. 

I'm generally ok with and content with who I turned out to be. I stopped self medicating the pain away. But, I will go to my grave with some emptiness. 

My saving grace... I am not my father to my own kids.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh Doc... I had no idea ... the pain that must bring!

What do you do to take away the power he has over you? What are some of the things that remind you how competent you are, how engaging and caring, smart and accomplished... What do you do to lessen his contempt for his own life so it stops messing with the peace and tranquility of yours?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh Doc... I had no idea ... the pain that must bring!
> 
> What do you do to take away the power he has over you? What are some of the things that remind you how competent you are, how engaging and caring, smart and accomplished... What do you do to lessen his contempt for his own life so it stops messing with the peace and tranquility of yours?


When I was younger I tried to medicate it away (as young as 14)... lots of drug use. When I finally sobered up (early 20s)... I worked hard to be accomplished and never allow anything to ever ever ever beat me. I had to join the military to save money to go to college. Once I got to college, an A was never good enough, I needed to be in the top 5%... so it gave me an internal drive to never strive toward second... I never always reached first place, but I always set the bar high for myself. However it was always those times when I did not reach my potential that I would hear my father's voice "you are a loser". 

I still hear his voice, but can't do anything about it (he passed away in 2006). I did forgive him and gave him the respect at his memorial service. I also understood he also came from a tough background. It made it easier to forgive and learn. Does that mean the pain is gone... No, but I am better and get better each year.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Me, married wife and 2 adult kids.Had a lot of hardships growing up.The image, I have of myself is totally different than the image and view everyone has of me.I'm seen as smart,okay looking,
> mechanically enclined and responsible.
> 
> My inside view of myself is I hate me.I hide it very well.I have
> ...


Oh this is the most intractable part of my own bpd (that's borderline. I also have bipolar II, but that's not what I'm talking about here.)

Self-Loathing. It's the worst. And many are like Dregio, me too, we self-medicate to silence the voice. Even despite all my work, I still stoop to that.

However, you can alleviate a LOT of the pain and lessen the incidences. Here are my top tips for BPD:

1. Join a mental health forum. (check! you're here, but you may google further to find forum dedicated to mh.) In this sheltered environment, you can do peer-based group therapy, so to speak. For me, the most powerful effect of joining a forum specific to BPD was that I could shunt all that toxicity away from my family. There was a "letters unsent" area for venting and grieving, hidden areas to deal with childhood sexual abuse, and topics specific to BPD like splitting, raging, self-loathing, self-harm, emotional regulation, and unstable relationships. Also self-advocacy and political issues surrounding this much-maligned disorder.

2. Visit DBT Self Help and familiarize yourself with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It goes way beyond CBT (cognitive) and directly addresses borderline issues like distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and social skills like refraining from over-apologizing. 

There is also a top-notch Yahoo group dedicated to DBT with mods who give each and every post lengthy feedback.

3. Visit Practitioner Registry | Directory for Mental Health Professionals and Bodyworkers | Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and see if there is a practitioner in your area. Somatic Healing goes below the cognitive, below the emotional, and into the distress / trauma stored inside the body itself. Read books by the founder of Somatic Experiencing, Dr. Peter Levine, but please be careful to have your therapist on call for they can be triggering if you attempt the exercises on your own.

4. Go to Sounds True and join their free email membership. Then go to their series "The Self-Acceptance Project". You'll get over 12 hours of audio programs that directly address your question, for free. I just completed listening to the program a week or two ago, and WOW. So much good information and practical tips you can employ immediately.

Here for you if you want to pm.

Love and light,
Salamander


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Boatloads of compassion to you, Dregio. Maybe some of the links I shared above could help? My dad never accepted me as his daughter, and even his spirit was mean-spirited after death until I released him with forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for the forgiven, it is for the forgiver. In my case, it was telling his memory that I'm in charge of parenting my inner child myself, now, he'd set me up nicely to do that now, and his presence was no longer required.

Your father, bad as he was, somehow brought forth YOU, who seem quite wonderful, judging from the sprinkling of your posts I've read. So at least he had halfway decent genes, right?

For me, accessing my spiritual side made all the difference in giving my life meaning and purpose. Part of that was watching a History Channel show on The Tibetan Book of the Dead. The sequence showing a soul walking thru a corridor of copulating couples, choosing its parents...That hit me in the solar plexus! Did I CHOOSE a mentally ill, alcoholic Narcissistic Personality Disordered atheist genius to be my daddy? Ya know what, why not? I like who I am now, so it can't have been such a terrible selection, right?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

One of my favorite books ever: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

MSP said:


> One of my favorite books ever: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It


That looks good, i will check it out. Thank you!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

salamander said:


> That looks good, i will check it out. Thank you!


I went and snagged it.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I'm going to grab that book myself.

As for learning to love yourself, it's a process. You have good days/time periods and bad. There are different levels of self love and self worth and we should continue to strive for higher levels without beating ourselves up for where we actually are. I don't know if anyone ever truly gets there or if we are even meant to in this life. I do know that with continued effort you can get closer and closer to it. We are not perfect, not meant to be and never will be but thats ok and accepting that and who we are ....the good and the bad is a big part of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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