# How Often Does Settling Happen?



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

We've all have heard of it, seen it in movies, read it in books. But I wonder in real life how often do people settle when choosing a marriage partner.

I don't mean "he isn't 6'3, but 6' is close enough" or "she's only a B cup but what the hell" settling. I mean the sexual attraction or truly deep love isn't there, but more of a friendly love and comfortableness.

I think I settled with my first wife (and she with me) in that way. There were times I was pretty attracted to her and really felt romantic love for her, but I'd say overall it was more that we were comfortable. 

At the time I was young and thought that was what made a good marriage. People always said, don't base your relationship off of sex because sex always fades. (might this be considered Blue Pill? )


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> We've all have heard of it, seen it in movies, read it in books. But I wonder in real life how often do people settle when choosing a marriage partner.
> 
> I don't mean "he isn't 6'3, but 6' is close enough" or "she's only a B cup but what the hell" settling. I mean the sexual attraction or truly deep love isn't there, but more of a friendly love and comfortableness.
> 
> ...



my take is NOBODY is perfect....so i don't think of it as "settling" rather its a choice of accepting someone for their flaws and deciding what your deal breakers or limits are.

i had an amazing GF where i thought everything was perfect....only to discover she had flaws too.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Many times people settle for their marriage partner. The good qualities outweigh the not so good ones. In terms of looks, I definitely say that my husband settled with me when we first met. I was only a freshman in college, skinny, and very petite. He was a very good looking senior and resembled strongly of Mark Spitz, the gold medalist Olympic swimmer. I asked him once, why he chosed to date me. He said that I was pretty and kind.

He added to the above that my transformation to my late 20s and later years astonished him. I looked my best in my 30s and did turn heads. I remembered admiring a blown glass ship in a glass blowing demonstration in our local mall when a good looking man in his 30s offerred to purchase the ship for me in front of my husband. I politely declined. I forgot to wear my wedding ring. After he left, my husband offered to purchase two ships! 

I don't put my looks above my accomplishments. I credit a strong character to my academic parents who raised me to believe that substance is the greatest asset. I am now 35 years married and grew old with my still good looking husband.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think people do this pretty frequently, and the results are often not very good.

On the other hand, given the prevalence of divorce, I'm not sure any other approach is necessarily much better.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I agree with X598 - there is a big difference between "settling" and not recognizing that no one is perfect.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> We've all have heard of it, seen it in movies, read it in books. But I wonder in real life how often do people settle when choosing a marriage partner.
> 
> I don't mean "he isn't 6'3, but 6' is close enough" or "she's only a B cup but what the hell" settling. I mean the sexual attraction or truly deep love isn't there, but more of a friendly love and comfortableness.
> 
> ...


One always settles:

That's why it's called "Settling Down."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Guess I have always understood it like this. We all have high expectation and compromise in areas that don't mean very much to us. For example a guy who always has a preference for blondes but finds his future wife and she is a brunette.

When you settle though you are compromising on something very important to you. Maybe you are very active and outdoors type who settled on someone who enjoys staying home and watching TV all day.

Compromises are ok. Settling to me is a recipe for disaster.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I guess I'm asking more about settling in a lust, desire, love situation. 

Do people really settle with someone they "love" but don't LOVE. More a familiarity and comfortable kind of love than heart thumping love. Or someone who doesn't exactly blow your stack sexually but will make a great mom or dad or whatever.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I settled for someone that liked me early on and had sex early on. Thought that would carry forward, and have realized almost 15 years later that it doesn't. Now I see how lazy and immature she is, plus she's now asexual. 

Just wish I would have seen these things earlier.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> I guess I'm asking more about settling in a lust, desire, love situation.
> 
> Do people really settle with someone they "love" but don't LOVE. More a familiarity and comfortable kind of love than heart thumping love. Or someone who doesn't exactly blow your stack sexually but will make a great mom or dad or whatever.


Yes, I know of one case like that, and the results are not pretty.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> I guess I'm asking more about settling in a lust, desire, love situation.
> 
> Do people really settle with someone they "love" but don't LOVE. More a familiarity and comfortable kind of love than heart thumping love. Or someone who doesn't exactly blow your stack sexually but will make a great mom or dad or whatever.


Of course. People don't _always_ marry the person they are wildly passionate about. Sometimes they do but not always. A lot of times those passionate people are very unstable and wouldn't make good lifetime partners. When you marry, you take the whole person and the whole situation into consideration.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. Conan didn't come close to the best in bed award when we first met. But she had me like no other. I was in love with her from first sight.

We have worked together at sex and achieved higher levels than anything previously experienced but it took time and effort.

The most mind blowing experience before marriage was with a vile, but very hot, belly dancer.

No way in hell would I even be friends with her, much less marry her. Super sex is not enough for a good relationship. Super sex can be achieved if you are both motivated though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> I guess I'm asking more about settling in a lust, desire, love situation.
> 
> Do people really settle with someone they "love" but don't LOVE. More a familiarity and comfortable kind of love than heart thumping love. Or someone who doesn't exactly blow your stack sexually but will make a great mom or dad or whatever.


It's a balance. I don't like the word settle. I mean, there is someone out there in the world who is thee very best match out of all the people in the world for each of us. The thing is, what are the chances of finding that person? They may live in another country we will never visit, let alone happen to meet. 

So, yes, I think we all balance the very best we can find within our limited range and circle of contacts, just so we can find love and hope that by working together with them, we can live with their flaws and they can live with ours and be as happy as possible. We hope it lasts the rest of our lives. We believe it will. We believe that person is our best match. We believe we know ourselves and them, well enough to make that decision to spend the rest of our lives together. 

Sometimes life changes. Sometimes we change. Sometimes we don't have the skills to deal with those changes and difficulties. We find ourselves too prideful to ask for help or to admit we need it before something really bad happens. 

I really think that's a realistic take on it. I don't think it's settling. I think it's living our lives the best we can with what is at hand, with the skills we have and the opportunities that present themselves.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I would guess that most marriages are based on two people who have each convinced themselves that "this is it!" because they want to be married-and they aren't really all that concerned about who their partner is. Very few people in this frame of mind would see it in themselves. Most people under a certain age lack the kind of self-esteem that makes one *very* discriminating about the type of life and partner they want; most people cannot imagine choosing to be alone rather than settling. Yes, a lot of people will say they would prefer to be alone, but they don't ever actually spend time--years--without dating or looking for a partner. 

The kind of "settling" you ask about, OP, is rather rare I think, b/c very, very few people will admit to themselves that they are marrying b/c it is "comfortable." And even fewer would admit it to anyone else--but honestly, self-deception is quite normal in our society.

I think that self-deception actually explains the high divorce rate and the number of married couples who aren't really that happy. People marry for the wrong reason (ie, they don't want to be alone). Some people get lucky and they grow together with their partner; many do not. 

Just my 2 cents!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> Guess I have always understood it like this. * We all have high expectation and compromise in areas that don't mean very much to us. For example a guy who always has a preference for blondes but finds his future wife and she is a brunette.
> 
> When you settle though you are compromising on something very important to you. Maybe you are very active and outdoors type who settled on someone who enjoys staying home and watching TV all day.
> 
> Compromises are ok. Settling to me is a recipe for disaster.*


I feel this is explained VERY WELL... these are my thoughts.. I never cared about hair color.... but I did hope to meet a guy without glasses.. I never noticed the boys with glasses growing up, never had a crush on one...

When I met my husband, this will sound bad... but he looked a little nerdy, big glasses, I wanted to change his jeans to Levis, give him some boots.. and I hated those glasses! Contacts weren't popular back then, though we did buy them for our wedding.. *one pair* was like $200 back in '89! 

Sure there were HOTTER guys - but that will always BE...without his glasses, he had the lanky body type I go for.. so it wasn't all bad...the sexual chemistry was still there.. 

There was one gorgeous guy who wanted to get to know me , he went to a different school... I did talk to him on the phone a few times.. but I was taken...during that time.. I had to make a choice.. something told me I would never find one who treated me better than my Husband...so I hooked him up with my GF & they went to the prom together. He was a bit of a temptation but I never went down that road....I never really KNEW him.. so I can't say I feel I lost out on anything.. 

Back to those glasses..we have 6 kids -every one of them got HIS eyes .. that's a lot of contacts to keep ordering!!.. but these are such small non-important nothings..

In the scheme of life & love ...he was near PERFECT as one could get for me.. he likes to say I just fell out of the sky & onto his lap one fine day.. and me.. I prayed for a guy like him. (seriously).

Even if he was my 1st love.. and I am void of other experiences.. I never felt I settled...I've yet to meet anyone (friend , acquaintance , co-worker) who I've felt would have been a better match for me ..or one who'd be able to bring out the best in me ..as he does....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Most people compromise a little, unless they're totally delusional and don't realize they are.

Most people realize they did settle after a year or so when the maritally blissed become the martially pissed.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

You are never going to find anyone that can fulfill all of your needs. Best you can do is marry someone who can fulfill enough of them to make you happy for the rest of your life. If you call that settling, then we all settle. I think the bigger issue is settling for someone that does not make you happy but you think you can change them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

len51 said:


> You are never going to find anyone that can fulfill all of your needs. Best you can do is marry someone who can fulfill enough of them to make you happy for the rest of your life. If you call that settling, then we all settle. I think the bigger issue is settling for someone that does not make you happy but you think you can change them.


* Truer words were never said!*


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A friend of mine is a labor lawyer: "A successful negotiation is where everyone walks away a little unsatisfied, a little unhappy"


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Yes, but marriage shouldn't be a negotiation. If you aren't both happy, you are doing it wrong.....




Runs like Dog said:


> A friend of mine is a labor lawyer: "A successful negotiation is where everyone walks away a little unsatisfied, a little unhappy"


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