# Venting...All comments and opinions are welcomed



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

I need to vent. We have attented our first meeting with a physcotherapist a week ago, I finally spoke about this with someone face to face but since I have not been able to bring myself to discussing this situation with anyone else because I feel so ashamed and embarrased about it, I am here to vent and hope that someone comments or makes suggestions.

How to begin this one... It has been seven weeks now since he confessed his infidelity. Some days are better than others but the thoughts cloud my mind everyday, several times a day, and it brings me down big time. For example, I have been up since 3:40am and I started this at about 5:00am.

For those of you who read my previous post, I confronted him about his trip to the west coast. When I asked him about it he just sat there staring at me. I could see the look of surprise, actually it was more like shock, in his eyes that I had knowledge of this outing. Eventually he admitted it. Not like he had much choice, I have concrete proof of the outing and yet another lie. I had asked him several times prior to this date if they ever went out and he would say no, wasn't going to take a chance and be seen by someone.

Aside from that fact that he lied to me several times when I would ask him, what also hurt about this particular outing is two things, first, he got the idea of taking her there for the day while being there with me and our daughters just five days before (we were there on a Saturday and he took her there on the Thursday that followed). But the main reason for which it hurts even worst is that the west coast is where him and I spent the weekend celebrating our engagement, purchased my ring and he proposed again (this time with the ring in hand).

I went balistic on him. I told him that not only did he bold face lie to me several times about not having gone out in public with her but of all the places to go he took her to where him and I celebrated our engagement.

That night I also discovered that the week of Valentines Day (the week of his confession) he sent her a $60.00 bouquet of flowers. What did I get? Jack sh*t. No wait, that is not true, I got my heart shattered as I felt my world falling apart all around me. 

He called this "an affair". I call it "having a girlfriend". It is not like he just hooked up with her once or even twice. He was involved with her for six months. 

I have not yet spoken to the paramour (to put it nicely), I guess that is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do. I have been wanting to confront her and make her aware that I know exactly who she is, just like she knows exactly who I am. (we had met a couple of years ago and the three of us along with someone else spent time together chit chatting). The only reason for which I have not spoken to her is because they work for the same company and the company will fire both of them for this. Not that I give a damn if she gets fired but I can not afford for him to get fired because it will affect us financially.

I was so numb that the days after the confession I did not even think to get her on the phone. About three weeks after the revelation we got into an argument and I started dialing her phone number using his phone. He went crazy, which only makes me wonder what else he is hiding. He said that he did not want for her to think that he was calling for her. I told him that he was not going to be the one talking to her and that I would be sure to make it perfectly clear to her that it was me. I had no intentions of him speaking to her. I wanted to call from his phone because I knew that she would recognize his number and I wanted to hear how she would answer the phone thinking that it was him calling for her.

After a while he stated that she had said to him "if she calls me I will tell her so many lies". But I feel that it is that there is more than what he is letting on to. Not to say that she would not tell me any lies but that she might reveal something that he hasn't. Like they say, there are two sides to every story.

As for my feelings at this point in time. I still feel extremely hurt for being betrayed in this way. I also feel like he totally disrespected me because he would call her and he would take her calls while he was home with me. Of course since I use to trust him so completely and never invaded his privacy I would not ask who he was talking to and just went about whatever it was that I was doing at the time. I feel like such an idiot in all of this. Also, at times I feel as if I want to talk to her but I feel as if that is something that I should have done early on, not seven weeks later. 

I am aware that I have rambled on but there is so much happening and my mind is not straight with so many invading thoughts and visions. I just needed to do some venting.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

This is a problem between you and your husband. Not you and the OW. Like you stated, you don't know what he has told her. He could be telling her all kinds of lies to keep her hanging on. Just keep your head up and express all of this with your therapist.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree: I understand your need to get answers since your husband has not been forthcoming and you've had to find out details on your own, but if he broke things off with her abruptly, she may still want him back and you will have no idea whether she will say things to make things worse for you that may not be accurate. I would rather put effort in getting your husband to open up more. If you come at him screaming/yelling (understandably) he will only get defensive and fear telling you details. If you can have some calm discussions that are focused on your feelings of deep hurt and betrayal, he will be more likely to want to help you get through it by talking more openly. IMHO talking to her will only add to the confusion. I know this sucks  but the positives are that he realized he still loves you, he broke things off with her and he wants to work on your marriage, so you are both in a good position to get through this & have the opportunity to make your marriage stronger than ever.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

To Sweetp101

I know that it is a problem between me and him. But it does concern the OW because of the fact that she knows who I am, as I stated in my post and she still chose to get involved with him. I feel that it is a complete disrespect on her part as well. I personally, as a woman, would not get involved with a married man *especially* if at one time or another I met his wife and we chit chatted for a couple of hours like I posted that we had done. 

Did you read my very first post on this?

I am well aware that she will more than likely tell me some lies but by knowing my husband and his mannerism (his way of speaking) I believe that I would be able to decipher the truth from the lies. As for him telling her all kinds of lies to keep her hanging on, he ended it the same night that he told me about it and I have been monitoring his phone bill and so far to this date there has been no contact between them. Unless he is using a different phone.

As for what he has told her, that is what I am curious about. I want to know how serious he was about her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Will knowing how serious he was change what you do going forward? Why not just assume the worst and go from there? If he has stopped all contact and living transparent and you are moving forward, at some point the past shouldn't matter (as far as how he felt about her) as long as you are working on your marriage together and know he's left that behind.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

No, I have not read your first post. However, I do agree with Swedish. Will knowing how serious he was change anything. If not move on or try to work it out.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

To Swedish

First I want to say thank you for all of your replies to me.

Your comment about "but if he broke things off with her abruptly" He did. As I stated in my first post, he heard me on the phone, after about 10 minutes he told me that he would call me back, twenty minutes later he did. In those minutes he was telling her that it is over, that he is not going to throw away nearly ten years of marriage. 

I later found out that while he was on the phone with me, confessing, she had been trying to call. They spoke again for just a couple of minutes after him and I hung up and again he states that he told her that he wants nothing more to do with her. I told him that there was no need for the last phone call. (I found out by reviewing his phone bill). But like I told Sweetp101 I have been monitoring his phone bill and there has not been any contact between them, but I also said that he could always be using a different phone.

Here's the thing that plays with my head though, text messages. His phone bill will not show the phone numbers to the incoming and outgoing text messages unless he goes over the alloted minutes that he has on his plan.

But something inside of me tells me that it is and has been over between them since the night of February 13th. I just hope that I am right. He has made every effort possible to show me he is truly sorry for the pain that he has caused. We went to our first counseling meeting together and our next one is scheduled for next weekend.

The therapist wants to see us separately. To be honest, I'm not to comfortable with that. Reason being is that I *want* for my husband to hear *everything* that I have to say. *I want him to know everything that I am feeling.* I also want to know what he and the therapist say. Is that a bad thing? It makes me feel as if he will say something to the therapist that he should be saying to me. You know, more honestly about all of this.

As for the coming at him screaming/yelling, I haven't, not since that night on the phone. Ever since he walked in the door 30 minutes after getting off the phone with me that initial night I have spoken to him calm manner. I have expressed to him quite a few times about my feelings of pain, hurt, anger, betrayal and the unconditional trust that I had for him that he has shattered along with my heart. By the same token I have also expressed to him the love that I feel for him and what he means to me. The love that I have always felt for him. But I have also made it clear to him that if he were to ever, ever do this to me again that I would not be able to go through it again and I won't.

As for him wanting to help me get through this, he has stated that he will do whatever it takes.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Will knowing how serious he was change anything. 

Maybe, maybe not. but I like what Swedish said about "assume the worst and go from there". I didn't think of something like that.

Please understand, it is not an everyday feeling that I get about wanting to talk to her. Fortunately it only happens once in a while, not often but when it does it hits me hard.

I just keep telling myself that he does love me, (I see it in his eyes and I feel it in his touch). He is home with me and he is trying to make things right between us.

But of course, I have my off days, very off days where I relapse really bad. Someone will say something or I will see something that brings it all back. I don't watch television anymore and when I do I will watch either HGTV, Discovery, History or the Food Network or something along those lines. I don't listen to music anymore either because the lyrics will set me back.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am in the same boat. Even though he ended it, trust has been broken and no matter how transparent he's been living, I still struggle with doubts. I found out in July and although it's much better, it's not totally gone. You sound like you are handling this in the same way that I am and your husband is also responding in the same way as mine. We are both private people, so it was much easier for me to seek counseling alone. I would say even more true if I had been the unfaithful party--it would be humiliating/intimidating enough to say things out loud much less to more than one person. I think the main thing for him is to get to the root of how he got to where he got and it may go to his past before he knew you, etc. and for him to feel he's addressed whatever issues he may have as an individual. Hopefully, you will be able to have honest discussions with him since you both have the same goal in mind now. I know what you are saying...I feel like I was left in the dark enough and wish I could just live in his head for a while to see what he is really thinking.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I could have written your last post, right down to the tv shows.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Coping,

Sorry to hear this, I can only wish you the best and I am sorry he did this to you. 

Youo will need alot of healing time, you are a strong person I can read that in your posts.

Counseling is a great start, I think the therapist wants to see if he will open more without you around, maybe the therapist can just meet with him alone and then you both for your session??

Best of luck dear.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

GAsoccerman:

Thank you for your response. The problem that I have with him meeting along with the therapist is like I stated previously, I want to know what he has to say. I want to know what else he is holding out on. I want for him to open up more to me and answer any and all questions that I have or may have. 

Something tells me that whatever he and the therapist speak about is going to remain between them and I am not comfortable with that. I want to know what they are saying just like I want for him to hear everything that the therapist and I speak about. 

He has said to me "I've put it all behind me, I don't think about it". But like I told him, "that's easy for you to do, your not the one that was betrayed, lied to, hurt, disrespected and had their heart shattered".


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well yes anything between him and the therapist will not be told to you, therapist is not there to tell him he was wrong and you are right.

But sometimes just talking about it heals the wounds. Sometimes you need to tell someone your feelings besides your spouse in order to heal.

He feels like dirt allow him to pour it out to the therapist without you around.

With you there sounds like little johnny telling the Nun that he put gum in Mary's hair and she is standing over him with a Big A** Ruler ready to whack him.....

But telling someone else might get it out of the way for him. Plus maybe allow the therapist to help heal you.

They are experts follow their advice, give him the private session.


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