# My husband said he left because I am mean



## MoonlightCavazos

My husband has left me because he says that I am mean. He wont speak to me and when he does he just yells. I am basically a sitting duck; I dont know if he wants a divorce or not.
When we do talk he flat out says he can not say he loves me. He say he refuses to come home because being with me isn't home. I am lost. I do not know how to handle it and pretty much everyone just tells me to move on and just forget about him but it is not that simple.


----------



## JustHer

I am sorry for what you are going through........

Do you know why your husband feels as he does?


----------



## Thumper

Do you feel your mean to him? Do you have anger or control issues? Are his complaints justified in your or his mind?

If you said yes to any of that, then you prob need to get into some individual counseling in a hurry. Address your faults.

If no, then you need to both get into some marriage counseling, and figure out what the issues really are. And why he is projecting the issues onto you.


----------



## janefw

MoonlightCavazos said:


> My husband has left me because he says that I am mean. He wont speak to me and when he does he just yells. I am basically a sitting duck; I dont know if he wants a divorce or not.
> 
> When we do talk he flat out says he can not say he loves me. He say he refuses to come home because being with me isn't home. I am lost. I do not know how to handle it and pretty much everyone just tells me to move on and just forget about him but it is not that simple.


So are you mean? His shouting sounds pretty mean to me. Perhaps he is projecting.


----------



## Created2Write

How do you respond when he yells? Some people believe they can treat others however they want, but yet they expect everyone else to treat them with perfect kindness. So, if you've ever stood up for yourself or held him accountable to his actions, he may feel that that is "mean", but it's only because he's not getting away with treating you however he likes. Or, if you responded by yelling back, he may feel you're being mean. Which, it would be, but his actions aren't justified either, so he would be just as guilty. 

I think we need more info...


----------



## MoonlightCavazos

A friend of mine kind of came between it talking to each of us alone and basically came to the conclusion that he is hurt because I can not accept his compassion when he offers it to me. For example, I told him not to let me sleep during the day because I will not sleep at night, that if I do fall asleep to only allow me around thirty minutes and then wake me up. Well I had fallen asleep after work and he let me sleep for 5 hours, resulting in me not sleeping that night. When I had woken up from that 5 hour nap he said it was because he knew I was so tired that he let me sleep. I got irritated and told him it was not his decision to make and now that he did that without waking me up that I was going to be sluggish at work.
Now at first I didn't see that as being mean but I guess to some people it is viewed that way.The way I grew up is a big influence on the way I am, and where I thought he actually accepted me the way I am, flaws and all, it turns out he doesn't.
He wants me to change things about myself that make me me.I am not a family person. It is too social for me and I get bored with it, which makes me uncomfortable, which results in me getting aggravated. He know I am not a family person yet he tells me that I better become one because if I ever want kids I am going to have to get used to them getting more attention from him than the attention he gives me.
I had to give up a one of my best friends, someone who has been close to me for going on 7 years all because he say that I had to choose either my friend or a divorce. I can honestly say I have never heard my friend cry before.
He goes on about how I made a monster when he yells at me. HE says he hopes I can handle what I have created. One second he says he wants a divorce the next he says well I don't want a divorce but I am not coming back to you. HE says that being with me isn't home to him. Says he doesn't want to be around me.
And basically what I have seen is he has 2 types of people coming at him, the majority telling him that I am not worth it and that he should just divorce me and the other saying take some time and then go home to your wife.
He listens to neither. He is basically making me suffer because I was just so mean to him.


----------



## MoonlightCavazos

When I respond to his yelling he gets mad at me. Pretty much says I don't care, I don't listen, and I don't see where he is coming from.


----------



## JustHer

Moonlight, sounds to me like he has some underlying issues. Instead of waiting to see what he is going to do, take this time to decide if this is the kind of relationship that you want - if he was to never change, your marriage would always be like what you described, would this be good enough for you - forever? What if you were to have kids and the relationship stayed the same? What if you had kids and he gave them more attention than he gives you as he stated, would that be OK with you?

Think verry hard on this. I love Dr. Phils saying "the only thing worse about spending #years in a bad relationship, is spending #years and 1 day in a bad relationship".


----------



## Thumper

It sounds like neither one of you listen to each other, and don't have much respect either. So much me me me. I I I


----------



## Created2Write

I agree with Thumper. Even in your post you sound incredibly critical of your husband...almost like you think of him as a child. If that comes across in your posts, I can guarantee it comes out in how you treat him. 

Also, your post is massively confusing. What do you mean by "not a family person"? Do you spend time with your husband? Do you do things with him? Activities? Hobbies? Do you cuddle together? How is the affection and intimacy? 

_How_ do you respond to his yelling? Do you yell back? Do you call him names? Do you criticize him? If he says you don't listen to him, then maybe you don't? Do you care about what he says, how he feels? Do you try to see where he's coming from?


----------



## Sennik

In addition to C2W's clarifications would you expand on this please?

'I had to give up a one of my best friends, someone who has been close to me for going on 7 years all because he say that I had to choose either my friend or a divorce. I can honestly say I have never heard my friend cry before.'

What exactly was your husband's beef with this friend? Was this friend male by any chance?


----------



## 827Aug

Is your husband involved in another relationship? When my estranged husband began telling me things along those lines, he was in the middle of "rewriting history". He was cheating and finding fault with me to justify his behavior. The more he lied, stole, and stood me up, the angrier I became. You better believe I had my MEAN moments! Is this what's going on?


----------



## belleoftheball

To begin with sorry for what you are going through. I too would like to know if there is something more to this. It really does sound like he is either having an affair or that it is what you are saying. Even though I think there is more to the story than your hubs is letting on. If he will not talk, than I would move on, but that is just my opinion. Hope this helps and again I am sorry.


----------



## hambone

MoonlightCavazos said:


> My husband has left me because he says that I am mean. He wont speak to me and when he does he just yells. I am basically a sitting duck; I dont know if he wants a divorce or not.
> When we do talk he flat out says he can not say he loves me. He say he refuses to come home because being with me isn't home. I am lost. I do not know how to handle it and pretty much everyone just tells me to move on and just forget about him but it is not that simple.


I think he's got someone else and just making excuses to justify what he's doing.

Men don't normally cut out unless they've got someone warming up in the bull pin..

He's just trying to make you think it's your fault.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

MoonlightCavazos said:


> A friend of mine kind of came between it talking to each of us alone and basically came to the conclusion that he is hurt because I can not accept his compassion when he offers it to me. For example, I told him not to let me sleep during the day because I will not sleep at night, that if I do fall asleep to only allow me around thirty minutes and then wake me up. Well I had fallen asleep after work and he let me sleep for 5 hours, resulting in me not sleeping that night. When I had woken up from that 5 hour nap he said it was because he knew I was so tired that he let me sleep. I got irritated and told him it was not his decision to make and now that he did that without waking me up that I was going to be sluggish at work.
> Now at first I didn't see that as being mean but I guess to some people it is viewed that way.The way I grew up is a big influence on the way I am, and where I thought he actually accepted me the way I am, flaws and all, it turns out he doesn't.
> He wants me to change things about myself that make me me.I am not a family person. It is too social for me and I get bored with it, which makes me uncomfortable, which results in me getting aggravated. He know I am not a family person yet he tells me that I better become one because if I ever want kids I am going to have to get used to them getting more attention from him than the attention he gives me.
> I had to give up a one of my best friends, someone who has been close to me for going on 7 years all because he say that I had to choose either my friend or a divorce. I can honestly say I have never heard my friend cry before.
> He goes on about how I made a monster when he yells at me. HE says he hopes I can handle what I have created. One second he says he wants a divorce the next he says well I don't want a divorce but I am not coming back to you. HE says that being with me isn't home to him. Says he doesn't want to be around me.
> And basically what I have seen is he has 2 types of people coming at him, the majority telling him that I am not worth it and that he should just divorce me and the other saying take some time and then go home to your wife.
> He listens to neither. He is basically making me suffer because I was just so mean to him.


Hi Moonlight,

My words will harsh but I mean NO offence, okay.

Your post is confusing and patchy in places but overall you husband feels you have treated him like a doormat belittling him and he's had enough. One example you gave was, you wanting a 30 minute nap, and your husband knew you were tried so he let you sleep. Your response was to belittle him making him feel and ask himself, why should bother with this woman? His crime was to CARE about YOU; and your response was… what? _(If you were my wife, I would have done EXACTLY the same thing he did, let you sleep, why, because I love you.)_

When did your husband become your alarm clock/radio?
Don't you have one of your own?

You husband sees a future with you, but only if you recognise you have a deep problem that you have projected onto your husband. He now feels angry and alone in your own home even though you are there with him. 

You and your husband have a serious communication problem in your marriage. This has been going on for long time and your husband feels confused switching from divorce one day to trying to work it out with you the next day. You husband is taking about family and kids with YOU, but you are saying you are not a family person, meaning you don’t want family or kids. Your husband really doesn’t want a divorce he just wants YOU to *WOMAN-UP in this marriage*. See what I mean, the both of you are stuck the second any of you attempt at talking to each other; it ends in a verbal fight.

You both need IC/MC, immediately to resolve your practically zero communication skills in this marriage.

Brace yourself…..
You are a married woman with a husband who wants to start a family with kids, but YOU are thinking like a SINGLE woman who doesn’t want a family or kids. Therefore your husband is ALONE in this marriage until you *WAKE UP*, to your role as a wife and not as a single person.

Good luck, 

FTP 


----------



## IsGirl3

there are so many posts here from people who say that their spouses are mean. it is brave of you to say that this is what your husband said but it's hard to tell if he is just being manipulative and blameshifting and you are NOT mean, or if you really are mean.

I think mean people don't realize that they are mean because they justify it a million ways and downplay it.

I'm not sure who to believe here and I'm not even sure if you are denying it. If there is truth to what your husband is saying, and if you want to save the marriage, you need to get help. You need to acknowledge to him the legitimacy of his feelings, and that you will turn over a new leaf and control yourself.

If all of this is not true and you are not mean, it sounds like he wants the marriage to end and blaming it all on you.

sorry you are in this situation.


----------



## EleGirl

Why did you have to give up your friend? What didn't your husband like about the friend?

If you are taking a nap and want to wake up in half an hour, set your alarm. Your husband should not be responsible for waking you up. Using an alarm will also be a way to end this one argument.


----------



## SkyHigh

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hi Moonlight,
> 
> My words will harsh but I mean NO offence, okay.
> 
> Your post is confusing and patchy in places but overall you husband feels you have treated him like a doormat belittling him and he's had enough. One example you gave was, you wanting a 30 minute nap, and your husband knew you were tried so he let you sleep. Your response was to belittle him making him feel and ask himself, why should bother with this woman? His crime was to CARE about YOU; and your response was… what? _(If you were my wife, I would have done EXACTLY the same thing he did, let you sleep, why, because I love you.)_
> 
> When did your husband become your alarm clock/radio?
> Don't you have one of your own?
> 
> You husband sees a future with you, but only if you recognise you have a deep problem that you have projected onto your husband. He now feels angry and alone in your own home even though you are there with him.
> 
> You and your husband have a serious communication problem in your marriage. This has been going on for long time and your husband feels confused switching from divorce one day to trying to work it out with you the next day. You husband is taking about family and kids with YOU, but you are saying you are not a family person, meaning you don’t want family or kids. Your husband really doesn’t want a divorce he just wants YOU to *WOMAN-UP in this marriage*. See what I mean, the both of you are stuck the second any of you attempt at talking to each other; it ends in a verbal fight.
> 
> You both need IC/MC, immediately to resolve your practically zero communication skills in this marriage.
> 
> Brace yourself…..
> You are a married woman with a husband who wants to start a family with kids, but YOU are thinking like a SINGLE woman who doesn’t want a family or kids. Therefore your husband is ALONE in this marriage until you *WAKE UP*, to your role as a wife and not as a single person.
> 
> Good luck,
> 
> FTP 


This. *This.* *This.* *This.*


----------



## Whiner

Moonlight, 
The different responses here fascinate me. I think he is controlling and acting badly although you could be mean for all I know. I do think he should pay attention to what you ask for instead of doing what HE decides is best. You had a good reason to want to be waked up. and He can't blame you if he has become a monster; we make our own choices. This may just be me, but promising to spend more time with the (imaginary at this point) kids than with you seems a weird thing to say, almost a threat. Is he passive aggressive? (my latest theory for my own hubby.)
Has he offered any solid ways to work on things? Counseling? Dates? Can you make any suggestions to him for working things out?


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hi Moonlight,



MoonlightCavazos said:


> My husband has left me because he says that I am mean. He wont speak to me and when he does he just yells. I am basically a sitting duck; I dont know if he wants a divorce or not.
> When we do talk he flat out says he can not say he loves me. He say he refuses to come home because being with me isn't home. I am lost. I do not know how to handle it and pretty much everyone just tells me to move on and just forget about him but it is not that simple.


I hope you read my post and were not too offended by my words. I wanted you to think about yourself in the marriage and tried to play some roles as your husband. If you have any question(s) you'd like to throw at the other Tamers they will answer them for you. So please, don't let my post put you off Tam or what it can do for you, okay.


----------



## MoonlightCavazos

Sadly things have only gotten worse with time.
It has come to my attention that there is another woman.. His Mother.
If she doesn't like me then he doesn't like me.

So far he has yelled at me for visiting family, told me to stay away from her son and not to call or text him.
He blocked my phone number.
He pretty much avoids all family except his mother because they all believe he is being childish in letting his mother control his marriage,, well try to anyways. Me and her don't get along too well because I don't live on her opinion for my marriage. He does. So ta-da! Problem.
He doesn't speak to me unless he is yelling. He no longer wears his wedding ring. And the last time we spoke the only reason he didn't yell or do anything crazy was because my older and much bigger brother was standing 10ft away. He has gotten me ban from a local club I like going to by telling the owners I'm only going to start fights in their bar, and I recently found out one of his ex's (whom 'mother dearest' just adores so much) is now working with him. 
So yeah,,, things have gone from bad to worse.

I found the root of my anger. I have been working on myself and trying little things to keep myself calm. I am actually doing alot better and not much really gets to me the way it used to. I go to work without any problems at all and I am functioning on a daily basis without losing my head (so to speak). Though he still chooses to live with his mother, says she is home for him. 
Sadly, here soon I may be filing for a divorce. My hope that he may stand up and get out from under his mother is wearing very thin and things happening in my life have given me a short time limit. I can't wait anymore. I love my husband very much. We were friends before we even thought of being together, but before he seemed less under his mother. 
I really don't know what changed in him.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Welcome back Moonlight, 

I'm sorry if my first post to you was slightly OTT with you. You'll learn a lot from TAM and of course the Tamers themselves.

Stay okay.


----------



## MoonlightCavazos

Trying.


----------



## ginger-snap

> things happening in my life have given me a short time limit.


This sounds dire. I hope you are ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Moon Light,



MoonlightCavazos said:


> Trying.


Sorry my brain's been working over time the few weeks, can you answer the following questions for me please.

Q. How old are you and your husband?

Q. Did you husband always have a temper?

Q. How long have you been dating and then married ?

Q. You keep say his mother? isn't she your MIL as well?

Q. Tell more about this friend you had to give up?

I have more but these will do for now. So, Moon Light ready to try again?


----------



## MoonlightCavazos

We got married too fast. That was my mistake as well as his. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't really think it through on whether or not he was actually as ready as he thought he was. He didn't always have a temper and if he did he kept it pretty well hidden or I guess under control. I am only 21 but when I want something I am usually ready to deal what comes with it. If its going to be difficult I know it will be and I am ready to deal with it, but I guess I didn't really think this one through all the way around. I knew I wanted it. My brother knows how I am and when it came to this he knew I was ready to do it. He knows that I will never put myself into something that I can't handle, but I think he knew my husband wasn't ready and that is why he tried to get us to wait. He asked us to wait 6 months and I just looked at him and told him it was want I wanted to do. He just left it there. He knew there would be no changing my mind. Again that was where I messed up; I didn't really think it through on my future husbands part. I think the 6 month wait would have done wonders now, but I didn't think about it then. Now I am wishing I had. 
As far as his mother goes, yes she is my mother in law but she doesn't act like any mother I have ever seen. She has a tendency to act more like a crazy ex then a mom. She doesn't treat me as family either. She has flat out said I am not her daughter and never will be. She claims she handed her son to me on a silver platter, but that is highly exaggerated. I had to fight everybody tooth and nail for him, including her. She is very hypocritical in her ways and actually abusive toward the both of us. I watched her punch him in the face once because he was trying to was dishes after she told me not to touch them. Then she turns around and says if I hurt her son she is going to kill me.
They both try to say I don't fight for him but then when I try to I have him telling me to leave him alone and I have her threatening to kill me if I don't stay away from her son. It is all getting very confusing and very tiring. 
I actually went to her house today to see if he was there, and he was not. Apparently he is rarely ever there and when he is all he does is drink. (According to her he is just so heartbroken). Of course this is not okay. I don't approve of it at all and I would love to fix it, but he refuses to let me. His mother told me he is basically out for revenge... or something like that. I am not really sure what that means.
I would love to take back what I did. I would love to be able to take that pain away but of course that is not possible. I may not be able to change my past but I can try to make for a better future. He refuses to let me. I think his pride may be getting in the way as well... I am not sure.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hi Moon Light,

Is there is any "moon light" shining on your marriage yet? 



> We got married too fast. That was my mistake as well as his. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't really think it through on whether or not he was actually as ready as he thought he was. He didn't always have a temper and if he did he kept it pretty well hidden or I guess under control. I am only 21 but when I want something I am usually ready to deal what comes with it. If its going to be difficult I know it will be and I am ready to deal with it, but I guess I didn't really think this one through all the way around. I knew I wanted it. My brother knows how I am and when it came to this he knew I was ready to do it. He knows that I will never put myself into something that I can't handle, but I think he knew my husband wasn't ready and that is why he tried to get us to wait. He asked us to wait 6 months and I just looked at him and told him it was want I wanted to do. He just left it there. He knew there would be no changing my mind. Again that was where I messed up; I didn't really think it through on my future husbands part. I think the 6 month wait would have done wonders now, but I didn't think about it then. Now I am wishing I had.


It seems your brother knows you better than yourself; he was the only one who could see both sides of your relationship with your husband (boyfriend then). It seems he wasn't ready for commitment of any kind. Acknowledging you should have waited another 6 months, shows you’re maturing up to your position in your marriage. If your husband can't or won't match you half way, then you the answer is staring you in the face. _Don't you Moon Light?_



> As far as his mother goes, yes she is my mother in law but she doesn't act like any mother I have ever seen. She has a tendency to act more like a crazy ex then a mom. She doesn't treat me as family either. She has flat out said I am not her daughter and never will be. She claims she handed her son to me on a silver platter, but that is highly exaggerated. I had to fight everybody tooth and nail for him, including her. She is very hypocritical in her ways and actually abusive toward the both of us. I watched her punch him in the face once because he was trying to was dishes after she told me not to touch them. Then she turns around and says if I hurt her son she is going to kill me. They both try to say I don't fight for him but then when I try to I have him telling me to leave him alone and I have her threatening to kill me if I don't stay away from her son. It is all getting very confusing and very tiring.


Your MIL sounds like someone who enjoys control. Your husband sounds like a mummy's boy for not standing up to his mother. What bothers me is why your husband isn’t defending you in this marriage when his mother try’s to control the both of you. He's not a child, although in his mother's eyes he'll always be one. As for the hitting him, I'd call that abuse and he needs to stand up to her.



> I actually went to her house today to see if he was there, and he was not. Apparently he is rarely ever there and when he is all he does is drink. (According to her he is just so heartbroken). Of course this is not okay. I don't approve of it at all and I would love to fix it, but he refuses to let me. His mother told me he is basically out for revenge... or something like that. I am not really sure what that means.


If he was heartbroken over you, he'd be at home crying and wondering to do with the rest of his life. I'll bet he's at the club with his ex? _(Is that what he meant by revenge?)_



> I would love to take back what I did. I would love to be able to take that pain away but of course that is not possible. I may not be able to change my past but I can try to make for a better future. He refuses to let me. I think his pride may be getting in the way as well... I am not sure.


Okay, so he won't call you and he has blocked your number. Write him a letter explaining your position how much you regret your behaviour towards him, list all the pros and cons about what's going on in your marriage, and show your true feelings. Write on the computer first keep a copy, then hand write it out, and post it to him, or give it to someone he knows, but not his mother. If hasn’t responded in a few days’ time, email him the same letter again. 

Moon Light, your ONLY 21 if your short marriage is coming to an end, and you're going up against your MIL, then I suggest you prepare yourself to loose, and let go of him. You’re ONLY 21 and you have your whole life in front you. Have a long, deep conversation with your brother, he seems to be the ONLY one that understands YOU and your HUSBAND, and ask for his brutal honest opinion on what to do next.

Update me when you can....


----------



## treyvion

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> Hi Moon Light,
> 
> Is there is any "moon light" shinning on your marriage yet?
> :
> 
> 
> It seems your brother knows you better than yourself; he was the only one who could see both sides of your relationship with your husband (boyfriend then). It seems he wasn't ready for commitment of any kind. Acknowledging you should have waited another 6 months, shows you’re maturing up to your position in your marriage. If your husband can't or won't match you half way, then you the answer is staring you in the face. _Don't you Moon Light?_
> 
> 
> 
> Your MIL sounds like someone who enjoys control. Your husband sounds like a mummy's boy for not standing up to his mother. What bothers me is why your husband isn’t defending you in this marriage when his mother try’s to control the both of you. He's not a child, although in his mother's eyes he'll always be one. As for the hitting him, I'd call that abuse and he needs to stand up to her.
> 
> 
> 
> If he was heartbroken over you, he'd be at home crying and wondering to do with the rest of his life. I'll bet he's at the club with his ex? _(Is that what he meant by revenge?)_
> 
> 
> 
> Okay, so he won't call you and he has blocked your number. Write him a letter explaining your position how much you regret your behaviour towards him, list all the pros and cons about what's going on in your marriage, and show your true feelings. Write on the computer first keep a copy, then hand write it out, and post it to him, or give it to someone he knows, but not his mother. If hasn’t responded in a few days’ time, email him the same letter again.
> 
> Moon Light, your ONLY 21 if your short marriage is coming to an end, and you're going up against your MIL, then I suggest you prepare yourself to loose, and let go of him. You’re ONLY 21 and you have your whole life in front you. Have a long, deep conversation with your brother, he seems to be the ONLY one that understands YOU and your HUSBAND, and ask for his brutal honest opinion on what to do next.
> 
> Update me when you can....


When she assaulted your husband you should've gotten the police out there and pressed charges. It doesn't matter if you guys where falling out or that's what they do...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Goldmember357

Lack of communication 

You should fix this. He may have found someone else 

Men don't like being belittled, if you do it that is a quick way to drive a husband to leave or have an affair.


----------



## Thebes

Sometimes people turn mean when they have started an affair. I guess it makes them feel better about cheating, like they are the victim and you caused it.

I'm not saying this is what he is doing.


----------

