# More than once???



## BadgerGirl2002 (Feb 18, 2014)

My DDay was 17 Jan. I found out my husband had been cheating on me on his recent deployment and continued under my nose when he got home. You know the story. “Just friends” that would text all night long while he was sitting next to me on the couch. Going to take her and her boy to the airport but not asking me to go with. Waited for me to be out of town so he could go over to her house. 

He finally told me and tried to be as open about everything as he could. He said I could have access to all his emails, his texts and his Facebook. He just leaves himself logged in all the time….why I didn’t think to look before he told me, I don’t know. I would have found several emails between them overseas that he forgot to delete that were disgusting (and on my birthday) and one that said how easily he could ditch me. He said when he got home and saw me everything changed and he fell back in love with me and wanted to work on things, but he couldn’t break it off until he told me because he “needed my help”. We’ve been trying to work on things, but I’ve been having huge issues dealing, so much so that he went by himself to see his family and I stayed home because I will spontaneously burst into tears and i didn’t know what we would tell his family. 

Well, since I still don’t trust him and wanted to see if there was anything else going on, I went into his email account tonight and looked back at emails where he told his best friend what he had done and then said “we already know what a piece of s#[email protected] I am for Wendy (not her real) name”. This is NOT the woman he told me cheated on me with. He also said “we’ve both cheated a bunch of times” in reference to he and I. 

I had kissed another guy earlier in his deployment, he found out and I came clean, but nothing else happened. 

Should I confront him about this? Or pretend I never saw it? Because I don’t know that I want to know the answer and I’m pretty sure I’ll leave him if I find out he had an affair before he even left.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

If you don't have kids, leave. But go nuclear with the info. Cheaters never pay, so they are always emboldened.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Let me put this as gently as possible. You two are not for meant for each other. You having an emotional affair with another man and kissing him is enough for most men to leave you. From what you've said, you mention no reconcillation or marriage councilling or any type attempt to fix that. Its incredibly devastating. 

Then you tell us he is having an affair and might have been before he left. 

When this is all over you need to reevaluate how and what you expect out of marriage. You sound young so I wish you the best and Im sorry your here but please learn from this. Own your part in what you did and look deeper into why you did that before you consider remarrying.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You can do a million times better than this guy.

The reason you never checked up on him, was because you trusted him, yes?

Move on and find a good man that will love you and want to be with you and only you. Many out there. Find a guy that doesn't work over seas.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It seems obvious that he had another affair. Will it make it not be true if you don't ask him? You kissed another man and he has gone much further with other women (yes, plural). Don't ask him. Just tell him you know that he has been unfaithful multiple times & that you don't want that kind of marriage. You say it's probably a dealbreaker. Tell him that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He knows that you can look and find those things. He is likely expecting you to look. There could be several reasons for this. He could be afraid to tell you, but wants you to know the truth. He could also be waiting to see what you response will be. If he thinks you know and you haven’t said anything, it could be like a green light to do whatever he wants.
Hiding the fact that you know only buries the problems. Everything needs to be out in the open. You cannot heal if you are hiding things. Your marriage has to be based on honesty to be healthy.
You should not feel bad about telling people what he has done, including his family. You don’t want to try to get people on your side and engage in warfare, but it is perfectly fine for people to know why you are so upset.
I recommend you two agree to be completely open about your husband’s propensity to adultery. If he is willing to do that, they you two should make a plan for healing. I recommend How to Survive and Affair along with the Re-Building the Honesty. (How to Survive an Affair | MarriageSherpa) I have read both of these programs and found them to be good, but you would have to do the work together. He’d have to be all in. If he’s not all in, then he isn’t serious about becoming an honorable husband and you cannot trust him to be faithful.
If he is willing to do the program with you and you see him growing and his character improving, that could mean true healing for your marriage. If he isn’t willing to put serious effort into it, then it may be time to move on with your life without him.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

If you confront him he will just tell you that he was lying to her.

Don't bother.

Collect facts, not his dishonest emails. If he lies to you, he will lie to her too. He's just telling you both what you want to hear.

I have serious doubts as to his sudden change in attitude as soon as you get home. Just seems like he's playing you.

What happens when you leave town again?

Another affair followed by his "falling in love" with you when you get back.

That's an awfully convenient romantic attachment he has for you.

Out of sight, out of mind? Is that how his romantic commitments work?

It appears so.

He has some maturing to do before he an make a commitment to anyone long term.


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## BadgerGirl2002 (Feb 18, 2014)

It would be nearly impossible to gather any info on what I think might be the first one. It would have had to have happened before his deployment, so over a year ago. Unless I called her or his best friend up (and i'm sure neither would give any info) there's really no way to know for sure unless he tells me himself.
The more recent one pretty much took up all his deployment.

So i'm kinda lost. There was only that one mention of her in the email, but even the friend didn't respond about it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If this happened to someone that you love dearly, what kind of things would you be concerned about for her? If she was determined to try to work things out with her husband, what do you think she would need in order to heal? You are a woman of value. Treat yourself like a woman of value.
If he doesn't want to tell you what happened and if he is not willing to go through a program for healing and restoration, then he is not willing to change his life to become a man of honor. Are you willing to live like that? I hope not.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

If you want to reconcile you need the truth, but why bother. Learn from the mistakes of this relationship and move on. It will save you much heartache in the long run. But only if you do learn from this. You'll need stronger boundaries for yourself as well to recognize high risk situations. You should not be putting yourself in situations to be kissing other guys.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"I need your help" translates to:

"I want sex at home with you along with my other women."

Along with:

"If I still have the other woman it's because your 'help' is proving to be insufficent...so I will ask for more sexual favors until I reach your breaking point, in the meantime racking up my housing allowance for being married..."

Not to mention being able to play the "hero card" for being deployed.

You left yourself open kissing someone else.
My ex had to have one of his women friends launch a smear campaign against me, because there wasn't anything I could be pinned on.

Good luck! BTDT, divorced three years now.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You both cheated

No kids stick a fork in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What is the point of bringing up what she did in kissing another man? That is done with. She is not continuing in that kind of behavior and it isn't what the problem is here.
The issue is that she is married and obviously her marriage means something to her. Whether or not it means anything to her husband remains to be seen.
Furthermore, the fact that she kissed another man in no way gives her husband reason to do what he is doing. It is never okay to move on to someone else when you are already in a relationship. Either work to resolve the problems or end the relationship. Trying out someone new while already in a relationship hurts everyone involved, even if the other person cheated. Her behavior was bad, but she has turned away from it. His behavior was much more damaging and he has not shown himself to have moved beyond it or to have changed.
Something that is especially concerning is his comment that he wants to stay with her because he realizes he loves her. He should treat her respectfully and be faithful no matter how he feels, because it is the right and honorable thing to do. If he wants to leave her for whatever reason, it should be done with respect for her as a person, rather than decided her value based on the whim of his emotions. He is very immature and needs to grow up. If he is unwilling to do that, it is time to move on.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

workindad said:


> You both cheated
> 
> No kids stick a fork in it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep,

Bail now before children.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

I'm not buying it. I think you did a lot more than just kissed the other guy. Even if that was all, it's still wrong, and doesn't make what he did more wrong than what you did.

I'm not trying to beat you up over it, but I believe you may not be fully honest with us here.

What branch? Reserves, National Guard, or active duty?

I don't know what it's like now, but back in the day active duty servicemen would get in a whole lot of trouble for adultery, especially with other soldiers. So you've got that going for you if it gets nasty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> You both cheated
> 
> No kids stick a fork in it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. They didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> No. They didn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The following is copied from her original post.

I had kissed another guy earlier in his deployment, he found out and I came clean, but nothing else happened.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> What is the point of bringing up what she did in kissing another man? That is done with. She is not continuing in that kind of behavior and it isn't what the problem is here.
> The issue is that she is married and obviously her marriage means something to her. Whether or not it means anything to her husband remains to be seen.
> Furthermore, the fact that she kissed another man in no way gives her husband reason to do what he is doing. It is never okay to move on to someone else when you are already in a relationship. Either work to resolve the problems or end the relationship. Trying out someone new while already in a relationship hurts everyone involved, even if the other person cheated. Her behavior was bad, but she has turned away from it. His behavior was much more damaging and he has not shown himself to have moved beyond it or to have changed.
> Something that is especially concerning is his comment that he wants to stay with her because he realizes he loves her. He should treat her respectfully and be faithful no matter how he feels, because it is the right and honorable thing to do. If he wants to leave her for whatever reason, it should be done with respect for her as a person, rather than decided her value based on the whim of his emotions. He is very immature and needs to grow up. If he is unwilling to do that, it is time to move on.


*I could'nt disagree with you more.* A kiss is a big deal, its a boundary problem, its an emotional affair. It does just as much damage as a physical affair does. It leaves the bs with a lack of trust that leads one mind to believe anything was possible and probably could and did happen. 

The way it was swept under the rug and overlooked and then focusing on him as the bad guy for having an actual affair is totally unacceptable to me.

Both of them are cheating on each other and I can't image how the marriage could survive.


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## Kendall (Feb 6, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> You can do a million times better than this guy.
> 
> The reason you never checked up on him, was because you trusted him, yes?
> 
> Move on and find a good man that will love you and want to be with you and only you. Many out there. Find a guy that doesn't work over seas.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Gonnabealright said:


> *I could'nt disagree with you more.* A kiss is a big deal, its a boundary problem, its an emotional affair. It does just as much damage as a physical affair does. It leaves the bs with a lack of trust that leads one mind to believe anything was possible and probably could and did happen.
> 
> The way it was swept under the rug and overlooked and then focusing on him as the bad guy for having an actual affair is totally unacceptable to me.
> 
> Both of them are cheating on each other and I can't image how the marriage could survive.


I didn't say what she did wasn't a big deal. We can certainly disagree on the seriousness of certain behaviors.
She is not cheating on him. She has recognized she was on the wrong path and has changed direction. Her husband has not shown that he has changed direction. Beating her over the head for something that she has recognized is a problem and has stopped is not going to help her, her husband or her marriage.
You are right that there is a lack of trust, but that is due to both of them needing to do the work necessary to make changes to be healthy and trustworthy. She seems to be willing to do that, but so far her husband has not shown that he is.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I didn't say what she did wasn't a big deal. We can certainly disagree on the seriousness of certain behaviors.
> She is not cheating on him. She has recognized she was on the wrong path and has changed direction. Her husband has not shown that he has changed direction. Beating her over the head for something that she has recognized is a problem and has stopped is not going to help her, her husband or her marriage.
> You are right that there is a lack of trust, but that is due to both of them needing to do the work necessary to make changes to be healthy and trustworthy. She seems to be willing to do that, but so far her husband has not shown that he is.


You really need to read more about Emotional Affairs, better known as EA's. *SHE MOST CERTAINLY DID CHEAT ON HIM*.You could technically call her kiss a phyical affair, because they did have phsycial contact. She may not be currently with her OM any longer which is true. You seem just as she seems to be able to overlook it so easily and focus more the physical affair the husband is having and declaring that his wrong doing is far worse. Obviously there was no reconcillation on her part regarding the kiss. It was over looked, pushed aside as if it wasn't that big of deal. Truly, if her husband was seriously interested in still being with her he or she should have pushed for marriage councilling to try and heal from her betrayal.

I don't think you realize how much that effected him. He's over seas and she is kissing some other guy??!! It's just as damaging as an actual affair. Keep reading and hopefully you will catch on. 

Now if she states that not only did she confess to it but then told us they went to marriage councilling to address it and she worked admitly to help him get over her kiss, redeveloped trust over a period of time and then after he was somewhat healed from that then he went and cheated on her, I might agree with you. 

Since there was no reconcilliation done regarding her affair I seriously doubt that he ever got past it. If that has never happened to you, I suggest you read my story and many more of them like mine on this site. From personal experience you never really just truly believe it was only a kiss.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Gonnabealright, 
First off, you changed the tense. I was speaking present tense. You changed it to the past tense. I said, “She is not cheating on him.” That means she is not cheating on him now. You said, “She most certainly did cheat on him,” which is referring to the past. You are ascribing something to me that I did not say. Of course she cheated on him when she kissed another man. I wasn’t suggesting otherwise. What I am saying is that she has stopped that and from what she wrote, she has dealt with it, with her husband.
I do not understand where you are getting all this information. All I saw from BadgerGirl2002 is this, "I had kissed another guy earlier in his deployment, he found out and I came clean, but nothing else happened."
I am aware that emotional affairs are damaging and do not think I have given an indication that I think otherwise, but we have no information about what happened between her and the man she kissed. There is no indication that situation has anything to do with what is happening now between her and her husband, except that it is clear that they have serious boundary issues and they obviously do not esteem each other or their marriage highly enough. Which is why I keep saying they need to work through some sort of program together if they are going to heal these issues. Working through and resolving issues is much better than taking all these problems into another relationship thinking that the problem was with the relationship or the other person, when each person has issues that they need to deal with and resolve in order to be in a healthy relationship at all.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Gonnabealright,
> First off, you changed the tense. I was speaking present tense. You changed it to the past tense. I said, “She is not cheating on him.” That means she is not cheating on him now. You said, “She most certainly did cheat on him,” which is referring to the past. You are ascribing something to me that I did not say. Of course she cheated on him when she kissed another man. I wasn’t suggesting otherwise. What I am saying is that she has stopped that and from what she wrote, she has dealt with it, with her husband.
> I do not understand where you are getting all this information. All I saw from BadgerGirl2002 is this, "I had kissed another guy earlier in his deployment, he found out and I came clean, but nothing else happened."
> I am aware that emotional affairs are damaging and do not think I have given an indication that I think otherwise, but we have no information about what happened between her and the man she kissed. There is no indication that situation has anything to do with what is happening now between her and her husband, except that it is clear that they have serious boundary issues and they obviously do not esteem each other or their marriage highly enough. Which is why I keep saying they need to work through some sort of program together if they are going to heal these issues. Working through and resolving issues is much better than taking all these problems into another relationship thinking that the problem was with the relationship or the other person, when each person has issues that they need to deal with and resolve in order to be in a healthy relationship at all.


Ill guess she will have to give us a better account of what happened with her affair. The way she blew threw it on her original post it suggests it was never dealt with other then being spoke of once with her admission. They deffinately both have some boundary issues. I get now that you understand the impact of an emotional affair. My assumption is that her affair was never dealt with. My point is this, if they never dealt with her affair, how can you expect him to do all the necessary actions to make it right for reconcilliation? Anyways I think were on the same page now. Hopefully we will get a response from her.


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