# Searching For Answers



## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Hi everyone!! I'm very new here, as well as new to this whole posting threads thing so please be patient with me =) I know my issue may not seem serious to some. I feel as though I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past almost year and would REALLY love to get some unbias opinions/advice from completely neutral parties...hence me finding you guys & this post. So I'm just going to toss it out there and hope to hear from you...

I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years now, house, 3 children, dogs, the typical additives lol. We have always had struggles in our relationship but have made it through, learned from our mistakes & grown from it. Last year he began working somewhere new & began a new friendship with a college, a married woman 12 yrs his junior. A few months into this I moved a few hours away(bought a new house) & he stayed closer to his job. He would visit on weekends, holidays, etc during these months leading up to his relocation to a different office. As time went on I noticed he was more unreachable, visited less often or wouldn't stay as long & was less tolerant of my insecurities regarding this. During a serious discussion (which he rarely has with me) he tells me he is confused & doesn't feel he can "be himself" with me. He "loves me but is not in-love with me". So I flip out, become an emotional basket-case & just numb. When he finally relocated to the new office locally I figured this woman would fade...no...the text msgs constantly, he would leave to talk to her on the phone, etc. I voiced my opinions on this and I was told "We are just friends". Now that he knew it bothered me all of this became secret...cell phone locked/on vibrate, passwords changed on all email accts, & his hobbies took him outside of our home more frequently. I contacted her on several occasions, voiced my concerns to her woman to woman & asked for her advice the first few times & finally for her to bow-out for awhile so that we could repair our marriage. She refused...told me she would only do that if HE asked her to. I then contacted her husband & told him my concerns. After 4 mths of this chaos my husband promises me to have no contact with her so we can concentrate 100% on us. 3 weeks later I get a feeling & ask him if they are still in contact, he never answers me, which is my answer right there.

I love this man, he claims to love me. He has been the only person I have been able to count on in every way for over 20 yrs. PLEASE help me to understand what is what here...

Thanks for reading, I know it was reallly long & I left alot out!!


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Hi! I can certainly relate to your post. I had the same thing happen three years ago. It hurt so bad; we had been married over 20 years and lived the picture perfect life. Unfortunately my story didn't end so well, so I'm not the best one to offer advice. You may want to seek individual counseling for your mental well being though. Hang in there!


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

so you live in separate houses and in separate towns? 

If so, first thing you need to do, is get you azz back in one house, under the same roof with him. Period and quickly. 

Some men are like big babies, they say they dont need anything and are independant and can take care of themselves, but they lie. Everyone likes to come home to someone, have someone cook dinner, and to snuggle up with at night. Weekends visits are not the same as living life together, and basically comes down to who is or was more available at the times when he needed some or some compaionship. {actually had an ex who i busted for unfaithfulness tell me it was my fault because i wasnt there to hold at night.} Plus, you dont want to get into all that serious discussions when you are only going to see each for less the 48 hours, you dont want to fight, and you put things away for the short time you are spending together.

I certainly wouldnt be surprise if he wasnt having a sexually affair. But this is in the very least an emotional affair. he is replacing you with her because {to put it simply}she is there. 

I think you need to move back home with him, and start working on saving the marriage if you really want to keep him.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

No we are in the same house now since he relocated to the new office. We were in 2 seperate areas only until that came through.

I don't know how to work on the marriage...we've tried counseling in the past, date night, personal space...I mean you name it we've tried it. At this point I want answers and to have discussions that actually end with something accomplished instead of the avoiding them that he does now. I have stopped asking questions and also initiating conversations with him at all. I'm not the one who did anything wrong and I believe I'm at the stage where I'm a bit angry. Why should I have to go to him and initiate conversations about anything from birds to our marital issues?? I can't control what he does, where he goes, who he talks to, has relations with etc....he knows what he is doing, how it is hurting me, us and our family. I do love him with all of my heart and would be lost if we were to part however, HE is the one who said he was willing to do what it takes to fix it, so I'm just reviewing it all in my head, doing some soul searching and if and when he gets his head out of his ass I'm still going to be open to hearing him out and going from there.

Sorry if I seem harsh/rude it wasn't meant that way. I'm very frustrated today due to his lack of motivation in following through on anything he told me weeks ago.

=)


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

IfYouSaySo said:


> Sorry if I seem harsh/rude it wasn't meant that way. I'm very frustrated today due to his lack of motivation in following through on anything he told me weeks ago.


Not a problem. Many of us have been there and understand your frustration.

Until he decides to completely get rid of the mistress, there isn't a whole lot you can do. As long as she is in the picture, he will not focus on the marriage. You might just ask him point blank which he is going to choose. I put up with that mess for three years and I should have been blunt about it. But, instead of doing that I accepted the blame. I nearly went crazy trying to fix everything "wrong" with me.


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

I think it will drive you crazy if you try to "fix" it. Right now he's in a place where he can have some kind of contact with her, and also can come home to you at night. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. It is impossible for him to prove to you that he is faithful, but based on the evidence you have seen, there is something going on. It is not fair to you. If you give him an ultimatum, just be prepared to follow through.


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