# How long does exposure take to kill the affair?



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

I've just exposed my wife's affair, and everyone's calling her tomorrow to let her know they know. I've also contacted the OM's parents and siblings. My question is to anyone who's exposed before: how long before your spouse returned to the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ theres no set time from, and many spouses never return. 

However the fastest way to get to the finish line is to go scorched earth. 

Expose, kick out, and file and you'll find out if she wants back in the marriage right quick. 

Then you deliver your demands which have to be followed to a T.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> I've just exposed my wife's affair, and everyone's calling her tomorrow to let her know they know. I've also contacted the OM's parents and siblings. My question is to anyone who's exposed before: how long before your spouse returned to the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well done you!
She'll be completely pissed off with you now though you know that don't you?
It took my H 3 weeks after exposure to realise his fantasy was actually a bloody nightmare, but on the flip side I'm afraid his married AP hounded him for weeks afterwards and only went back to her H because she was dumped!
Your situation might be different though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Kasler said:


> ^ theres no set time from, and many spouses never return.
> 
> However the fastest way to get to the finish line is to go scorched earth.
> 
> ...


This is good advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

"How long before your spouse returned to the mge"

Real and only important question is---How long do you intend to allow her time to decide????

You set the rules, if you want to work on an R---lay it out for her---she decides now---does she wanna come back and do the heavy lifting, to win her way back to the family---or does she just wanna go her way and become a D woman---those are her options, it is real simple----anything else---you have already lost, you have no mge, and you have no wife.

This is from now on---YOUR BALL GAME, PLAYED BY YOUR RULES----ask her what she wants---if she doesn't want to immediately come back and work toward R----you DO NOT HAVE A MGE, and you DO NOT HAVE A WIFE

Please do not tell me it is not as simple as that, and you are in love, and she needs to figure herself out---that is total BS---she knows at this point what she wants----you have hopefully laid it out for her------does she or does she not want to commit 100% to the mge----just as simple as that!!!!!!


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ theres no set time from, and many spouses never return.
> 
> However the fastest way to get to the finish line is to go scorched earth.
> 
> ...


Oh yes and then follow up with a poligraph test....the quickest road to Divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

PanchoVilla said:


> Oh yes and then follow up with a poligraph test....the quickest road to Divorce
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quickest road to letting your spouse know you won't be walked over and have self respect. 

If a spouse isn't willing to do any of it to repair the marriage then they weren't going to after 6 months of limbo and meandering either.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> I've just exposed my wife's affair, and everyone's calling her tomorrow to let her know they know. I've also contacted the OM's parents and siblings. My question is to anyone who's exposed before: how long before your spouse returned to the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She might never return to the marriage but that is not the point. Her reputation is in tatters now and she can't pull the innocent virgin evil husband move on anyone if you do end up divorcing. Cheaters guard their reputation more than anything else.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Quickest road to letting your spouse know you won'y be walked over and have self respect.
> 
> If a spouse isn't willing to do any of it to repair the marriage then they weren't going to after 6 months of limbo and meandering.


Bingo.

Marietta, that's my home town


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

you exposed and you gave yourself your best shot at recovering your marriage.
exposure especially with my children blew the affair out of the water in a couple of weeks of the information coming out.
all of a sudden they have to explain and justify selfish behaviors,
you cant explain this kind of selfishness with logic.
my husband was angry at me i simply said to him i did what i had to do to save my marriage and family. 
i told him i never made any of the choices he has to deal with now and that he will have give up his ow if he was going to stay in our life.
then i sat back for a few weeks and watched the affair slowly destruct.
all of a sudden the affair didnt seem worth 25 years of a family, his work reputation, the ow also put pressure on him, she wasnt so perfect like he had thought she was, started talking about giving up her marriage for the better life she thought she was going to have.
that my husband owed her.
he suffered every emotion and all the embarrassment of his choices this is what you want when fantasy hits reality square in the face its a whole different story, i just kept saying over and over again that i was fighting for my marriage that i did what i had to, told him i loved him and the rest would be up to him.
he dumped her in no time and if exposure wouldnt have happened who knows they still may be togetherbtoday.
expose to everyone important to her, the om's life, then watch the show.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You've let this go on for so long, that many people she's close to already know. She has been living with him, so all those who are very close to her must know, don't you think? She's already had a great opportunity to put out her side of the story, how "inattentive" you've been and how "horrible" it's been for her, plus there are no kids and you both are young, so I don't think the exposure will be that effective in getting her back. You waited too long, showed her all your cards all along, and she outplayed you.

When she does call you to scream at you for the exposure, tell her that everything you've done is to fight for her and fight for your marriage because you love her, not out of revenge or trying to hurt her.

She will not respect you if you just take her back because she wants back in. She wants to hear that you love her, that you will be attentive to her and work on the marriage and on yourself, but that you won't tolerate any future infidelity. She wants a man with self-respect who can stand up for himself, not a doormat who allows her to walk all over him.

If she wants to come back, at a minimum, tell her she must cease all contact with other man forever, handwrite a no contact letter, give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts, and let you know her whereabouts 24/7. Constant monitoring and spying are not healthy long term, but they can be very good and maybe even necessary short term to help restore trust.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You've let this go on for so long, that many people she's close to already know. She has been living with him, so all those who are very close to her must know, don't you think? She's already had a great opportunity to put out her side of the story, how "inattentive" you've been and how "horrible" it's been for her, plus there are no kids and you both are young, so I don't think the exposure will be that effective in getting her back. You waited too long, showed her all your cards all along, and she outplayed you.
> 
> When she does call you to scream at you for the exposure, tell her that everything you've done is to fight for her and fight for your marriage because you love her, not out of revenge or trying to hurt her.
> 
> ...


Yeah I let it go too long, I'm a recovering Nice Guy. But the only people close who know are her best friend and her stepmom (who's on my side). We live very far from our families so they just found out when I told them, and don't have close friends here. She declared it was over with him and moved home just five days ago (but then moved back) so I still feel there's a chance. Also she refuses to divorce me herself, and though I've told her we won't remain in contact should she choose him, she keeps asking me to stay in her life (I won't unless she's my wife). If it doesn't work I've definitely become a stronger person through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What do you mean *if * it doesn't work? She just went back to OM, it appears its *not* working out!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He's still a "recovering Nice Guy".

She went back to OM and is with him now. I agree. I dont see how this is working out?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe its working out for WW, but not working out for NDY.

I sense a pattern forming here its just a matter of time before WW goes back home....then goes back with OM...and so on.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ theres no set time from, and many spouses never return.
> 
> However the fastest way to get to the finish line is to go scorched earth.
> 
> ...


Hello and I'm sorry to be dim - sorta new to all the terminology but could I ask what this 'scorched earth?'

I'm currently in the middle of a bad situation and need to learn this stuff fast. Thanks for any help and sorry to hijack this thread...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

More often than not, it will drive the affair underground much rather than break it up.

I agree going "scorched earth." But I still feel that the odds are very much with the initiation of divorce proceedings, much rather than with any reconciliatory moves!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> Hello and I'm sorry to be dim - sorta new to all the terminology but could I ask what this 'scorched earth?'
> 
> I'm currently in the middle of a bad situation and need to learn this stuff fast. Thanks for any help and sorry to hijack this thread...


No problem at all. 

Scorched earth is no pulled punches. 

-Expose to family and friends

-No contact WHATSOEVER with affair partner. The last contact with AP is a handwritten no contact letter penned by the wayward spouse stating along the lines of "What I have done is selfish and horrible and have nearly destroyed my family. I have to do heavy lifting in my marriage so I can save it, and I can have no further contact with you at any time in the future. If you persist to try to get in contact me my wife/husband and I will contact the authorities."

-Also if the affair partner works at the same place as the wayward then the wayward has to quit the job or quit as soon as contracted time is up, no exceptions. 

- Kick out of home or at the very least kick out of marital bed and room for a time span that sends a message. Not 2 or 3 days, more like 3 or 4 weeks or more. 

-No Boys night out/Girls night out ever/until you allow it

-All emails and phone passwords are surrendered. 

-If you wish, both of you are going to marriage counseling as you have to get to the bottom of this

- Get in touch with an attorney and file divorce 

-If any of these demands are refused, or scoffed at, or if the wayward attempts to shift blame of the affair to the betrayed spouse, then go full steam ahead with divorce as they are not serious about R. 

Now you may be pensive about filing for divorce. Don't be. Its a long process and can stopped at any time, even mere minutes before the judge strikes down his gavel to end final proceedings

Filing divorce and or having them served with papers shows them their actions or inactions will not be tolerated.

For there to be R the betrayed spouse needs to be into it 100% and the wayward spouse 200% and bending over backwards to make it work. Anything less will leave with you False Reconciliation where the problem was never resolved and will likely repeat itself, or a marriage with both partners resenting each other and being miserable. 


Now whether they know it or not a wayward's priority upon discovery is 90% of the time "How can I continue to cake eat?"

Cake eating is having the best of both worlds. Husband/wife for children and security, AP for sex and emotions. They are going to try to prolong this as long as possible. 

An example of this prolonging would be from here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html

Now she cleared her fog and is helping her husband heal, but upon being busted for the first time by husband she still continued the affair and even went further into it. 

Thats why going SE can be crucial in helping to shut this reaction down and shows your wayward you are NOT playing around with them. That you are serious, and that you have too much respect to waste your life on someone who treats you and the marriage like sh!t.

Many waywards are also like kids. After being given the ultimatum they're undoubtedly going to nudge the boundaries, try to see what they can get away with.

Whether they do it two weeks or two months after the ultimatum is given they're gonna try eventually, and when they do you they need to get burned back onto the path of R. 

Any backsliding by the wayward results in more time and energy towards the divorce process.

Ever see a wayward dare to contact their AP, then R is off the table and its time to go full steam on divorce

Good luck.

Also, get seven more posts and go to the private section. There you will find the thread of a poster by the name of old mittens.

He is a perfect example of why this approach is so successful. Pulled no punches after DDay. and while his wife was pretty foggy at first, when he manned up and took action he had her groveling for reconciliation and another chance for months. 

Ultimately he decided the magic and trust was gone and divorced her, but he had complete over his situation, all the cards in his hand, and had choice of any outcome. 

Thats the ideal scenario of a betrayed spouse. (other than the obvious of not being cheated on in the first place)


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

Dude she may never come back to you. 

The fact that her family now knows that she is a skank may have no effect on her what so ever. Obviously this is true because she hasn't dumped OM and your left still holding the bag. 

It seems like in today's society some women wear "The Slvt" lable like its some kind of award badge, or something. Unfortuneatly divorce proceedings are the only thing some of these women understand. Sad, I know, but true.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Let me get this straight.
She moved in with OM.
She returned home to you announced that the A was over.
She moves back in with OM and is there now, but she is asking you to be her friend and be a part of her life with OM.

Is this correct?

Why the hell do you want her back? You can never trust her again. I think she is gone for good and you will be better off without her.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Kasler said:


> No problem at all.
> 
> *Scorched earth is no pulled punches. *
> -Expose to family and friends
> ...


Thank you for the clarification. I get it and it's helpful to me too as well as the OP.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This scortch earth tactic is so over the top that the affair is so inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue that it breaks up the affair. 
once the dynamic of the AP is out of the marriage then there is a better chance to right this marriage.

In the same breath Old Solder has a good point if this in fact an exit affait scortch eath tactic move the divorce quicke and gets rid of the limbo that waywards tries to use to keep her plan B around.

In short it gets WS out of fog. or takes away the Plan B option.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Yeah I let it go too long, I'm a recovering Nice Guy. But the only people close who know are her best friend and her stepmom (who's on my side). We live very far from our families so they just found out when I told them, and don't have close friends here. She declared it was over with him and moved home just five days ago (but then moved back) so I still feel there's a chance. *Also she refuses to divorce me herself, and though I've told her we won't remain in contact should she choose him, she keeps asking me to stay in her life *(I won't unless she's my wife). If it doesn't work I've definitely become a stronger person through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many cheaters like the "cake" part of the cheating. They like having their cake and eating it, too. Meaning they want two men to fight over them, court them, try to woo them, shower attention on them. They like knowing that no matter who they choose, there is another one waiting in the wings. If they feel the one waiting in the wings is starting to lose interest, they will swoop back in to stir up interest. This is my take on your wife right now. Cake eater. Wants you to "win" her back from other man. How humiliating to have to compete for your own wife.

I notice you are very well-read on the subject of infidelity. Have you checked out Chump Lady's web site?

The Humiliating Dance of

Ego Kibbles

The Unified Theory of Cake


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

NotDoneYet said:


> I've just exposed my wife's affair, and everyone's calling her tomorrow to let her know they know. I've also contacted the OM's parents and siblings. My question is to anyone who's exposed before: how long before your spouse returned to the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I not a fan of exposing at all!! If the new way to get what we want is tell everyone we know why not tell them when: Husbands watch porn 10x a day, if he is a quick guy in the bedroom go tell everyone he's a minute man I bet he changes, wife keeps a messy house go tell neighbors, coworkers, and family how much of a slob she is and see how that works for you. The list goes on and on.....why the double standard? Why do we only tell everyone when it's a affair? 

Exposure smells of desperation to me. Not only that it will never be lived down. Forever that spouse will be known as "He/she cheated remember that?" it will never be the same, family gatherings, neighbors, friends, etc. You may forgive everyone else will remember and it will be talked about behind closed door.


Did you guys at least try to talk about it first? Our reputation are all we have that goes for cheaters and noncheaters and every job in every workplace. Airing all indiscretions will always seem cheap to me.

If you tried to talk to her, you guys had hard heart to heat talks, yet she still lied refused to end it etc etc, I may expose but more than likely I would just file for divorce and let info come out as it may.

Good luck!! I highly don't you guys stay married..........and even though you should have not been cheated on make sure you OWN up to your mistakes in the marriage too if you guys do choose to reconcile.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to go after the OM so he dumps her to save himself.

1. Post OM on cheaterville.com
2. Send link to it to OM, his family, and if he has one his Wife/GF
3. Post link on his FB if you can.

Make the affair humliating and costly for him to pursue.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

I guess I went about it differently. The day I found out, I demanded that he call her on speaker phone and end it. Since then, it's just been a lot of making sure it's really over.


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