# Afraid to love again



## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Hey,
So I posted a few times back when I was first going through my separation. Essentially we fought constantly and he had no respect for me. We also have small kids so that's hard. 

Anyway, I'm here because I ended up unintentionally falling in love with someone two months after we separated. It was clear that I intended to divorce him, but I just hadn't filed the papers yet. I filled the papers shortly after I started dating the new guy. My ex freaked about the situation and that's a whole other can of worms. 

So, I need some relationship advice here, don't know exactly what I'm looking for. This man is everything I've ever wanted in a partner and I'm scared to death of falling in love with him (although I already have). I feel vulnerable and scared that I don't deserve this or that something horrible is going to happen. Are these normal feelings, or is this too soon? 

Though we've only been dating over two months, we knew each other as friends in the past before I met my ex, so we kind of skipped the initial getting to know each other thing. He is 100% committed to me and thinks I'm the bees knees, even with two kids. He hasn't met the kids yet and I'm also very afraid about that and have no intention of introducing them anytime soon. 

If he's everything I want and totally in love with me, why am I so scared? I even have mild anxiety attacks sometimes. 

Thanks.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

The anxiety attacks is ur conscious telling u something is wrong. So what is wrong w this sitch? Did yall talk regulary while you were married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Too soon.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Too honest
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Too soon.


agreed. The anxiety you are feeling is a natural consequence to your situation.

But too soon doesn't mean you can't see that perfect new guy. just slow it way down.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

No not at all. I cut him out of my life completely because my ex wasn't okay with me having male friends. 

I should also add that I mentally checked out of my marriage over a year ago when I first told him I wanted a divorce. So even though it's only been four months now, for me I've been recovering from separation for over a year. 

I think the anxiety is because I feel like I'm going to get hurt, like this is too good to be true or something. Some of it is probably about the kids too, and having them have another man in their lives. 

I think I just want someone to tell me that it is possible to find someone who's a good fit for you, and be happy with them. I'm used to fighting bi-daily and getting no emotional response, so this healthy relationship stuff seems like bs to me. Can you really be happy with one person for a long time? I'm jaded and kind of don't believe that true love can last. Then I get scared like why am I just seeing myself up for failure? This is all good and great but it probably won't be eventually so why go through the pain? That's what my anxiety tells me. I was set on being a she woman man hater and here I am in love.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do you work outside of the home?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubituesday said:


> No not at all. I cut him out of my life completely because my ex wasn't okay with me having male friends.
> 
> I should also add that I mentally checked out of my marriage over a year ago when I first told him I wanted a divorce. So even though it's only been four months now, for me I've been recovering from separation for over a year.
> 
> ...


I don't get this...

How is it "fighting" if one of the participants isn't putting any sort of emotion into it?


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Yes, you're probably right that I should slow it way down. We're already having to take intentional days off from seeing each other because we're always together whenever we get the chance.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

I guess I mixed those two things together, we fought a lot and he was otherwise emotionless. Also when we fought he would usually shut down and ignore me.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Yes I do work outside the home, and also have a rather busy social life with girlfriend and other moms.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

* girlfriends, I don't have a girlfriend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Would you say that you're just afraid of being alone?

Be honest.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

I so enjoy the companionship for sure, but I was loving being alone. I actually miss it and my whole idea of what my new single life was going to entail. It was easy and made sense and worked for the kids. This is throwing a wrench in things, especially the kid situation. I kind of want more space from him, even though I love having him around, I still want to do the things I was doing when I was alone.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

this is a typical rebound relationship.

Enjoy it for what it is, if you can.

The thing is, having had a pretty intense one myself, and having fallen in love with that one...

Well, it generally didn't work out well, and was filled with drama. We were both broken, and looking for the other one to fix ourselves. Which didn't work out.

But it was fun.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

I've wondered about that. So if it were, then I'd basically have rose colored glasses on for him which will fade with time? I can't deny that that's a possibility given my circumstance. 

However, when I left, I made a list of all the things that I wanted in a companion, there were 20 items. My ex had 5, and this guy has 17, and two are about fighting and we haven't gotten in one so I can't confirm or deny them yet.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubituesday said:


> I've wondered about that. So if it were, then I'd basically have rose colored glasses on for him which will fade with time? I can't deny that that's a possibility given my circumstance.
> 
> However, when I left, I made a list of all the things that I wanted in a companion, there were 20 items. My ex had 5, and this guy has 17, and two are about fighting and we haven't gotten in one so I can't confirm or deny them yet.


Keep in mind that you're still learning a lot about him, so that 17 might slowly turn into 15, 12, 8, etc.

IOW, right now you're getting the best of him. As time goes on, you may see less and less of that.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

This is true. I think I'm scared to find out, like a huge part of me is yelling don't do it, get out while you can before it's too late and you realize you're stuck with another bunk one!! 

Maybe I just need to think of it as more of a casual thing that I can break off in the future and not so much of a serious long term thing?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubituesday said:


> This is true. I think I'm scared to find out, like a huge part of me is yelling don't do it, get out while you can before it's too late and you realize you're stuck with another bunk one!!
> 
> Maybe I just need to think of it as more of a casual thing that I can break off in the future and not so much of a serious long term thing?


Honestly, I think that most people (myself included) would have advised you to not only finish working through your divorce but to also spend at least a few months (if not a year or more) w/o a boyfriend or significant other in your life before jumping into a relationship. (And, honestly, the fact that you didn't even file for divorce until _after_ reconnecting w/ this guy seems like a huge flag to me.)

That said, you're already in the thick of one.

For now I'd say relax and let things grow organically. Don't put any pressure on yourself or him either way, but be on the lookout for any warning signs w/ respect to that "17" dropping.

Is your STBXH aware that this guy is in your life? How about the kids?


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

I agree with you definitely, and that was my intent, to stay single for a long time or at the most just date very casually for fun. Without going into detail, that plan was f***ed the second I saw him again, and here I am. 

Yes, I told my ex about it and he flipped for about a week, full blown Jerry Springer type deal, very scary. He's calmed down and he wants to be friends and I understand that it's hard for him. The kids are very small and have no idea. They are my main concern in life and I wouldn't introduce him into their lives in any way unless I knew it was long term, which I'm obviously questioning. 

Technically this is a rebound relationship. Although I had been very over my ex for some time and did some finding of myself, the timeline still dictates that it's a rebound. But do all rebounds end horribly? Is it possible that I magically found compatability? What about those people who cheat and marry that person and stay together forever, that's kind of like rebound too isn't it? 

Haha sorry guys... But thanks for the input. I'm obviously confused and scared.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Also, I guess this doesn't matter either way, but I hadn't filed because I didn't want to kick the poor guy while he was down, I wanted to give him some time before I hit him with that. But then I started seeing this new guy and I felt guilty that I was dating and hadn't even filed yet. I was going to file with 100% certainty, honestly.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes, this is a rebound, but stop stressing over whether or not it could magically end up the real deal. Maybe, maybe not. I think THE MOST important thing here is DO NOT introduce the kids to this man for a long, long time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, you say you checked out of the marriage a while back, but your H hadn't. And now you've found this wonderful guy.

Let me tell you about one of my good friends. She and her H of 15 years "suddenly" divorced. My friend said she had been unhappy and had checked out of the relationship. Her H had no idea-none. It seems she was so checked out that she started looking into other relationships. In her mind, the marriage was over and she wanted to find true love. Her H thought he was that true love, poor guy. Anyway a week after they separated she moved in with a guy. She swore there was nothing but friendship prior to the separation-whatever. The new guy's kids would have nothing to do with her and that relationship ended. Less than a month later she reconnected with an old boyfriend from college whose marriage was floundering. New Man2 left his wife (honestly that was for the best, his wife was NPD and stole the mortgage money putting their home in foreclosure) and moved in with my friend. One week after my friend's D was final she married NM2. Her kids hated the situation, His kids hated the situation. But they were "in love" NM2 called me last week and apparently my friend is of the opinion that he doesn't love her enough, and wants a D. Her mind is made up and she's refusing counseling.

My friend has tons of FOO issues she refuses to address because it would challenge her catholic upbringing, whatever that means. She cannot be alone and has caused such havoc in the lives of some very sensitive children. The thing is, she never saw it. She believed she was in love. It was never love.

So take some time to honestly think about your marriage and why things happened the way they did. Take some time to figure out who you are. Learn to be by yourself. That doesn't mean you live the life of a nun, but if you can't be happy with who you are you will never be happy with someone else, even if he has 17 out of 20 of your list.


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## Aroleid (Sep 20, 2015)

Rubituesday said:


> Hey,
> So I posted a few times back when I was first going through my separation. Essentially we fought constantly and he had no respect for me. We also have small kids so that's hard.
> 
> Anyway, I'm here because I ended up unintentionally falling in love with someone two months after we separated. It was clear that I intended to divorce him, but I just hadn't filed the papers yet. I filled the papers shortly after I started dating the new guy. My ex freaked about the situation and that's a whole other can of worms.
> ...


I think these are just normal feelings that many experience once they allow themselves to become vulnerable, aka as open up to someone that really matters to them. I remember feeling the same when in love with someone.

I wouldn't overthink it, but keep a good head on your shoulders. You seem to have known the guy for a while, still, keep your mind, ears, and eyes open, and evaluate critically.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks guys. My life is just so crazy right now, and I think maybe I'm blaming my anxiety on my relationship but really I'm just nervous about life. I'm living on my own for the first time ever with two small kids, just got a crappy job, have huge pointless student loans, and have less incoming money than expenses. Not to mention my ex only wants to make things harder for me, and I get that. I'm definitely having a quarter life crisis here, and possibly laying it all on my boyfriend. 

I like the advice to just chill out and let it be. I think I need to stop overanalyzing it and let it be and play out. What's you're worst that can happen? I'm a big pre planner, so it drives me crazy not to know the outcome of something. That's not realistic though. 
Thanks!


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Also, for what it's worth, I told him I wanted a divorce in October of last year, then I left in January, came back, then left for good in July. He probably thought I'd come back again so he never even tried much to get me back. Then as soon as he found out I had gone on some dates, two and a half months after I left him the final time, all of a sudden I was this horrible person. I don't know how much more clear I could have been - I told him I was going to file for divorce and took my ring off.


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## Rubituesday (Dec 8, 2014)

Lastly, yes I have no intention of introducing him to my kids. For one they have a father and don't need another man in their lives right now.and I also don't want more than one maybe two other men introduced to them as my boyfriend in their childhood. him not being around them also gives me a lot of space from him which I value, and also alone time with the kids. It's hard sometimes, but we get to see each other a few times a week which is more than most single moms could ask for.


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