# Facebook and Marriage



## Administrator

Can Facebook add stress to marriages? Should you know your partner's password?

~ Glen Community Support


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## straightshooter

Yes you should know your partners password and THEY SHOULD BE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST.

Anyone who has read any infidelity literature knows that there are a lot of divorces because of infidelity generated by communication on Facebook, AND other social media.

Why does your spouse not have the right to know if an old flame reaches out to you after many years. or if a 'platonic' friend starts to send you suggestive messages.

When people talk about the rampant increase in infidelity, yet still want to be able to have a "secret' online life, it boggles my mind.


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## EllisRedding

Can FB or other social media sites add stress to a marriage, possibly, really depends on the couple and their commitment to their marriage and each other. FB has added zero stress to my marriage (at least n terms of infidelity concerns, stress has come from my wife spending too much time on her phone at times lol).

In terms of passwords, if the spouse asks for it I think the first step should be discussing why the person needs it. I am not against password exchanges at all, moreso I would want to understand the reasoning first as it could bring to the surface some underlying concerns/issues.

I do believe everything should be as visible as possible to the other (i.e. your Spouse should be your friend assuming they are on FB as well with the ability to view everything you post where possible).

All of this can be applied to Instagram, Snapchat, FarmersOnly, etc...


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## arbitrator

*All that I can attest to is that FB was definitely a major contributing factor to the demise of the relationship between me and my RSXW!

Let's just say that it's a prolific playground for hooking up with horny ex-flames!

Enough said!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Facebook adds stress to more than just marriages. Parents stress over what their kids post, or whether pedophiles can access their pictures. Employers can search up old photos and not hire or fire you for it. Facebook puts your entire life on display. How anyone can think that they have anything 'secret' online baffles me anyway - spouses can find secret accounts/chats/passwords easily enough. 

If there's one word of advice to anyone thinking of getting married, it would be "Do not ever marry anyone who won't let you into their life in every aspect" This includes (but is not limited to) all things Internet.


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## Relationship Teacher

Even though Facebook can facilitate some cheating, it is not the reason for the cheating. At best, it is an excuse. The problem isn't Social Media. The problem is a relationship that lacks boundaries and respect. What gets unsaid is the fact that monitoring of one's spouse is a very strong reason for relationship failure.

A great relationship is one in which partners are able to choose to be faithful or not, but choose faithful. If cheating has entered the relationship, it isn't because Marc Zuckerberg was born.

I've been on the receiving end from years back and I am less likely to monitor social media activities of my (now) partner.

Food for thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

I've always enjoyed some Facebooking .. so has husband... we are very open about what we read.. we laugh.. and keep each other up to date on interesting posts, often we are sitting in the same room with our laptops even ....

I've went on his page.. he can go on mine.. it's like nothing....It's a natural transparency we share... I can't imagine it any other way.. 

I've come to realize how rare this sort of thing is in many marriages by reading here... 

Can't deny that Facebook has been the downfall of so many, it's seems an epidemic... I feel strongly that when we start to harbor secrets.. it's the beginning of every downfall.. this is a great thread to explain how that works...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## EllisRedding

Hope1964 said:


> Facebook adds stress to more than just marriages. Parents stress over what their kids post, or whether pedophiles can access their pictures. *Employers can search up old photos and not hire or fire you for it.* Facebook puts your entire life on display. How anyone can think that they have anything 'secret' online baffles me anyway - spouses can find secret accounts/chats/passwords easily enough.
> 
> If there's one word of advice to anyone thinking of getting married, it would be "Do not ever marry anyone who won't let you into their life in every aspect" This includes (but is not limited to) all things Internet.


The bolded, the first thing I do when interviewing a candidate is do a google search on their name to see what I find.


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## Anon Pink

VS Glen said:


> Can Facebook add stress to marriages? Should you know your partner's password?
> 
> ~ Glen Community Support


No and maybe.

Facebook doesn't add stress to a marriage, it reveals a stressed marriage. A good marriage won't turn bad because Facebook happened. A bad marriage won't become an adulterous marriage because Facebook happened. Those who seek to be unfaithful will find a way. Those who do not desire to be adulterous won't, whether they are on Facebook or not.

I don't think every marriage should include the swapping of all passwords, however a secretive spouse is an untrustworthy spouse. I have conversations with friends that are none of my husband's business. He has no right to the confidences I share with and from my besties. He has no right to know of their struggle with menopause, their struggles with children or other aspects of their private lives that they've chosen to share with me in seeking or giving support.

I set up a Facebook account for my husband. I downloaded a few family pictures, chose hs profile picture, sent out a dozen or so friend requests to family and friends. Then I gave him his log in info and told him to find his own funny pet videos. He needed to interact with others on his own and not through me.


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## jorgegene

Relationship Teacher said:


> Even though Facebook can facilitate some cheating, it is not the reason for the cheating. At best, it is an excuse. The problem isn't Social Media. The problem is a relationship that lacks boundaries and respect. What gets unsaid is the fact that monitoring of one's spouse is a very strong reason for relationship failure.
> 
> A great relationship is one in which partners are able to choose to be faithful or not, but choose faithful. If cheating has entered the relationship, it isn't because Marc Zuckerberg was born.
> 
> I've been on the receiving end from years back and I am less likely to monitor social media activities of my (now) partner.
> 
> Food for thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i differ with your view a bit.

while it is somewhat true that 'social media is not the reason for cheating', every temptation promotes the possibility of infidelity.
ideally, you are right; that we choose to be faithful no matter what.

but some people are weaker than others.

suppose that someone is presented 5 temptations in their life? 
but they are strong enough to resist. how about 10 temptations?
how about 100? and so on. the odds increase. there are those % of people that would possibly never cheat if it weren't so easy.

the very strong will resist just about anything and everything, but not everyone is so strong and even the good might fail.

social media has increased those temptations at least many times over.

on the other hand, like the atom bomb, it's not going away and we need to learn to live with it.


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## jorgegene

Anon Pink said:


> No and maybe.
> 
> *Facebook doesn't add stress to a marriage, it reveals a stressed marriage. A good marriage won't turn bad because Facebook happened. A bad marriage won't become an adulterous marriage because Facebook happened. Those who seek to be unfaithful will find a way. Those who do not desire to be adulterous won't, whether they are on Facebook or not.*
> 
> I don't think every marriage should include the swapping of all passwords, however a secretive spouse is an untrustworthy spouse. I have conversations with friends that are none of my husband's business. He has no right to the confidences I share with and from my besties. He has no right to know of their struggle with menopause, their struggles with children or other aspects of their private lives that they've chosen to share with me in seeking or giving support.
> 
> I set up a Facebook account for my husband. I downloaded a few family pictures, chose hs profile picture, sent out a dozen or so friend requests to family and friends. Then I gave him his log in info and told him to find his own funny pet videos. He needed to interact with others on his own and not through me.


yes, but there are a percentage of people who may have no desire to cheat, but are just weaker and when approached by an old flame from out of nowhere can't resist. could have happened in the old days, but just less likely.


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## Hope1964

The old "guns don't kill people, people kill people" argument.

This thread is about facebook, although in my opinion the word 'internet' could be substituted for 'facebook' and the arguments would still be valid.

Yes facebook is a tool, and no it doesn't set out to wreck marriages in and of itself. By it's nature, though, it makes people feel safe posting all kinds of stuff they would never dream of disseminating in a physical way. Who would go around and put pictures of their kids in every mailbox in the city they live in? People do it on facebook because they think it's 'safe' when it really isn't. Same reason people use facebook to hook up with old flames or search up hot women or whatever they do with it. They feel safe doing so. In that way I do believe many marriages are subjected to stress they would not otherwise be.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening 
wife and I both have our FB open. Of course if I were to do something nefarious it wouldn't be on the most public forum in the world.......


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## Anon Pink

I don't think the gun argument actually fits because having a gun in the house is deadly weapon but having internet and Facebook is a social outlet. The gun is designed to kill. Facebook (while it probably was designed in the hopes that Mark Zuckerberg would get laid) wasn't marketed as a means of facilitating sex. It sure wasn't marketed to my age group as a means of getting laid, but keeping an eye on our kids who were away at college...until the little bastards found some other social medium from which their mothers and aunties could not stalk them!


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## Anon Pink

jorgegene said:


> yes, but there are a percentage of people who may have no desire to cheat, but are just weaker and when approached by an old flame from out of nowhere can't resist. could have happened in the old days, but just less likely.


This is true. I think those weaker people are the exact same people who say "it just happened. I didn't intend to cheat. We were talking and then all of a sudden we were naked."


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## Mr.StrongMan

EllisRedding said:


> Can FB or other social media sites add stress to a marriage, possibly, really depends on the couple and their commitment to their marriage and each other. FB has added zero stress to my marriage (at least n terms of infidelity concerns, stress has come from my wife spending too much time on her phone at times lol).
> 
> In terms of passwords, if the spouse asks for it I think the first step should be discussing why the person needs it. I am not against password exchanges at all, moreso I would want to understand the reasoning first as it could bring to the surface some underlying concerns/issues.
> 
> I do believe everything should be as visible as possible to the other (i.e. your Spouse should be your friend assuming they are on FB as well with the ability to view everything you post where possible).
> 
> All of this can be applied to Instagram, Snapchat, FarmersOnly, etc...


Good points. I have my W all my username and passwords and she never gave me hers.


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## WhyMe66

VS Glen said:


> Can Facebook add stress to marriages? Should you know your partner's password?
> 
> ~ Glen Community Support


Oh absolutely! If spouse A is venting and getting crappy advice on Facebook instead of communicating with spouse B, trouble invariably follows. No communication, no help, no attempts to correct the perceived wrongs. What a wonderful brave new world technology has brought us...
Of course the spouses should know each others' passwords! The only privacy in a marriage is when one shuts the bathroom door.


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## Apexmale

Wife and I are both on Facebook. We are not on each other's "Friends List" nor do we know each other's passwords. 

We have a great marriage.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## Holland

We are on FB but don't have or need each others pswds. I have no desire to monitor him and I would hate to be monitored.

In my world trust is vital, if I didn't trust him there would be no "us". I really have no energy for paranoia, spying and the like. Then again I have never been cheated on that I know of or been a cheater. If cheating were present in a relationship then that would be the end, full stop. 

As for my kids, we have continual discussions on what is and isn't appropriate, how to treat others and how to be treated. I don't monitor their FB etc and respect their need for privacy. If people have good core morals then monitoring them in not needed.


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## Bythesea

My whole family is on FB and our relationships are defined for all to see. No one has the others passwords. That said my husband has set up a secret FB account using his secret email account that he is using to cheat with. I have not seen this secret account so I don't know what he is doing on there. I do have a problem with this but I think that it goes to the heart of the cheater. If they are going to cheat they will cheat. FB only gives another avenue to make it easier. Technology is great but if people want to use it for their evil intentions they will find a way.


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## alexm

Relationship Teacher said:


> Even though Facebook can facilitate some cheating, it is not the reason for the cheating. At best, it is an excuse. The problem isn't Social Media. The problem is a relationship that lacks boundaries and respect.


Which came first, though, the chicken or the egg?

My opinion is that people are reactive or proactive when it comes to infidelity. There are those that seek it out, and those that do not, yet may be presented with an opportunity and over time, they can justify it in some way.

The same thing can happen in real life, of course, but there's something about being online that gives people a false sense of security and a sort of confidence they don't have IRL.

Let's say some guy sends a d*** pic to you. In real life, to accomplish the same thing, he'd have to literally take his penis out with you standing there. That's unlikely to happen. It's also a crime in most places. But online, it's such a common thing that can, and is, often shrugged off, or even explained away. It happened to my wife a little while back on FB. Guy said it was an "accident", was meant to go to his girlfriend. He got blocked, and that was that. Had he done that in real life, there would have been actual consequences.

It's not even that online activity facilitates this kind of behaviour, it's that it opens one up to all kinds of NEW behaviours. (such as above). It's changed the way people communicate with one another. Imagine if TAM was "real life". 1000's of people standing around talking about marriage and relationships and sex. It wouldn't work, and it wouldn't happen. We're comfortable talking to people from behind a keyboard. I wouldn't have said 95% of the things I've said on here to people I don't know (or probably even to people I DO know).

But more than that, it allows people to say and do things they just wouldn't do in the outside world, it really does. I truly believe that many people DO end up doing things they wouldn't do in real life, or wouldn't have even considered doing.

Yes, it makes it MUCH easier for those who would engage in infidelity regardless, but I do think it opens up a whole new world to many people who wouldn't. Mainly because it's an escape from reality and allows people, even encourages people, to become somebody else.


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## jdawg2015

I can tell you that my exF and ex GF here in Asia are attractive.

It would be at least weekly she would get a guy who would send them "you're so beautiful" things to their Facebook messenger. Some of these were "friends of friends".

And the both had their accounts showing as in a relationship and even with lots of our photos together. That did not deter the attempts one bit. LinkedIn is just as bad. Both got non-stop guys trying to hit on them.

Personally I think FB accounts should be heavily locked down privacy wise as just used for family. The mass "friends with everyone" is where it becomes Fakebook. Facebook is often more trouble than it's worth. I can see no reason a spouse would be private messaging in private with an OSF. If it can't be said in the open, you've got problems....


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## NextTimeAround

Here is another aspect on sharing online passwords:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/life...3d409c-1ec9-11e6-8c7b-6931e66333e7_story.html


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## Holland

NextTimeAround said:


> Here is another aspect on sharing online passwords:
> 
> https://www.washingtonpost.com/life...3d409c-1ec9-11e6-8c7b-6931e66333e7_story.html


Very interesting. It echos what I said earlier in this thread, it is about trust, no trust then no "us".


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## jdawg2015

There has to be trust. But not blind trust. There is a difference.

A HUGE difference.

You see, the problem with desire for privacy is ok, until there is real reason for suspicion. Then it's like, "what, you don't trust me". 

I personally view transparency as paramount to trust. If you can't be transparent with me, there is no trust.

If any woman is ever so locked down with privacy, phone to the hip, she'll be gone in second. 




Holland said:


> Very interesting. It echos what I said earlier in this thread, it is about trust, no trust then no "us".


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## Hope1964

jdawg2015 said:


> I personally view transparency as paramount to trust. If you can't be transparent with me, there is no trust.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## NextTimeAround

I think "trust" is an overrated concept.

Like jdawg, I look for transparency. If you have nothing to hide, then why do you act like it?

This is exactly what people are asking of Hillary Clinton.


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## EllisRedding

jdawg2015 said:


> *Personally I think FB accounts should be heavily locked down privacy wise as just used for family*. The mass "friends with everyone" is where it becomes Fakebook. Facebook is often more trouble than it's worth. I can see no reason a spouse would be private messaging in private with an OSF. If it can't be said in the open, you've got problems....


This would seem to completely defeat the purpose of facebook, otherwise it would have been called "Familybook" :wink2:


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## Holland

jdawg2015 said:


> There has to be trust. But not blind trust. There is a difference.
> 
> A HUGE difference.
> 
> You see, the problem with desire for privacy is ok, until there is real reason for suspicion. Then it's like, "what, you don't trust me".
> 
> I personally view transparency as paramount to trust. If you can't be transparent with me, there is no trust.
> 
> If any woman is ever so locked down with privacy, phone to the hip, she'll be gone in second.


Blind trust is for fools and I did not say anything about it. The first sign of a red flag and I would be pro active but TBH in a healthy relationship this sort of thing just isn't an issue.

Conversely, paranoia is a waste of energy. Wanting to control another person is a waste of energy. If that was the sort of relationship I was in then it would be doomed anyway, with or without cheating.

We have 3 x surprise parties to go to in the next 6 weeks, can't wait for them and to have fun. I doubt trust is an issue in these marriages or there is no way they could organised a surprise party.


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## Apexmale

Wow. Some couples are now requiring "transparency" as a means to justify intrusive behavior. So glad I'm not part of that! Lol

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## jdawg2015

If you don't understand the point I'm making and have to explain it too you then you probably won't "Get it".

It's not trying to be intrusive. But if your wife/gf has her phone to the hip and turns the screen down religiously then that shows a lack of transparency. Never telling your spouse where your going or who was at the company happy hour is not being transparent. Getting a text from an ex bf/gf 

It's much more subtle than you are portraying. Holland is correct when stating that in good relationships transparency just happens naturally.

My personal view is if you have to hide communication from your partner something is wrong if it's about your relationship or with an opposite sex friend.



Apexmale said:


> Wow. Some couples are now requiring "transparency" as a means to justify intrusive behavior. So glad I'm not part of that! Lol
> 
> Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## Apexmale

jdawg2015 said:


> If you don't understand the point I'm making and have to explain it too you then you probably won't "Get it".
> 
> It's not trying to be intrusive. But if your wife/gf has her phone to the hip and turns the screen down religiously then that shows a lack of transparency. Never telling your spouse where your going or who was at the company happy hour is not being transparent. Getting a text from an ex bf/gf
> 
> It's much more subtle than you are portraying. Holland is correct when stating that in good relationships transparency just happens naturally.
> 
> My personal view is if you have to hide communication from your partner something is wrong if it's about your relationship or with an opposite sex friend.


I get you.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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