# How do I tell him... ?



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband comes home around 11 o'clock each night and so we spend maybe an hour or two together before I have to go to bed. His friend from work has been calling him EVERY night, and they talk on the phone for hours. This has been going on for weeks, even before we decided to get separated. Usually it invades the time I get to spend with him. Since we're splitting up I'm trying to enjoy every last moment we get together. But he's so preoccupied with these phone calls that I hardly get to spend any time with him at all. I would go to the friend and tell him to stop or call after 1 AM when I'm for sure asleep and I'm sure he would understand that I want to have some quality time with husband. But I know that would just upset my husband. So I've said nothing. But last night was so awful. He sat right next to me on the sofa, talking on the phone to him for over 2 hours. Then finally I resigned and went to bed. This hurts me so much. We've both agreed to heed these last few months/weeks together, and enjoy them, treasure them and realize they are our last. Last night I said some cruel things before I went to bed because I was so broken up about it. I feel terrible about that. I am not usually someone to say things out of spite. I have great self control, and it just came out.

How do I tell him how upset it makes me? I constantly take a backseat, or get kicked out of the metaphorical car completely for these endless phone calls each night. The worst part is they spend ALL DAY together. He sees more of my husband than I do. I've thought seriously about secretly turning off the ringer before he comes home each night. Should I? Is that wrong? Deceitful? Too selfish?

The weird thing is... my husband is so antisocial usually that these long phone calls make ZERO sense to me. He and I haven't had a conversation in weeks that lasted more than 1 minute (unless it was about getting a divorce). These phone calls last for hours!!! 

Am I being over zealous, do I even deserve my husbands attention anymore? Am I demanding too much by trying to cherish our last moments together? Why would someone who appears so depressed and sad all the time, be so lively and giddy on the phone? I'm so hurt. So hurt.

May I say this one thing too? It was his idea to split, not mine. So maybe I'm biased. I don't want to say goodbye to my husband, I don't want to end our marriage. I want to work through things. But when he said "for better or for worse" he really meant "for the better."

If I can't stop the phone calls from taking over our time, what can I do in the meantime? How do I occupy myself when I'm feeling so neglected?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He has made it abundantly clear that you are not important, so why would you have expectations of making the most of these last weeks together? Very unrealistic and self-defeating, IMHO. I also have to suspect that your H is gay, or the calls are really from a woman, or that he has asked his friend to do this so he, your h, doesn't have to spend time with you--there is nothing normal about the behaviors you describe and it makes no sense, otherwise, to think he'd spend that much time with someone else for any other reason. 

Why don't you just leave now? He's given you every sign that your presence isn't wanted, no matter what he might say with his words out of guilt. Be proud--do not beg for scraps of his attention. If it is over and he wants out, give it to him. Star focusing on yourself-grieve, get counseling, start to heal and work on yourself, and you will feel so much better than dwelling in this desperately unhealthy and unhappy situation.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> I also have to suspect that your H is gay, or the calls are really from a woman, or that he has asked his friend to do this so he, your h, doesn't have to spend time with you--there is nothing normal about the behaviors you describe and it makes no sense, otherwise, to think he'd spend that much time with someone else for any other reason.


I agree with you, I've always had this inkling that he might be gay and have approached him about it, but he always denies it. Maybe this is something that I can use to keep myself going. Stay positive. I wouldn't want a man to leave me when we're 40 because he likes other men. That's not fair.
I know it is not a another woman. It's his friend Rick, whom is a terrible influence on him. Basically they get drunk on the phone together and gripe about work, and probably how much they hate their wives. Honestly I think Rick was the main influence over my H that has lead us here. Rick is terribly unhappy and disrespectful to his wife, but she his "sugar momma" so he stays with her for the money and support. He's a piece of ****. I don't understand why MY husband would be friends with someone like this. Of course I've never voiced this opinion because he's allowed to do what he wants and have the friends that he wants. Even though every chance he gets he rips in to my friends.



sisters359 said:


> He has made it abundantly clear that you are not important, so why would you have expectations of making the most of these last weeks together? Very unrealistic and self-defeating, IMHO.


I realize this, and I just spent the last hour crying in the back office a work. Unable to control myself with my own self-defeating behavior. I'm just not one of those people who just gives up. It's not in my nature. When I love, I love hard, and forever. I took my vows seriously. I meant every word. I can't believe that this could happen to a person like me.



sisters359 said:


> Why don't you just leave now? He's given you every sign that your presence isn't wanted, no matter what he might say with his words out of guilt. Be proud--do not beg for scraps of his attention. If it is over and he wants out, give it to him. Star focusing on yourself-grieve, get counseling, start to heal and work on yourself, and you will feel so much better than dwelling in this desperately unhealthy and unhappy situation.



I'm not moving out. The apartment is mine. I'm staying. He wants out of the marriage so he needs to leave. Problem is, we don't have enough money at this time for either of us to move out. We recently went through something very financially troubling which is where all this stemmed. He's so obsessed with money and monetary gain, it's repulsing. I'm the opposite. Money is essential, but it isn't "important" in life. I mean important like... I don't have to have a lot. I'm happy with what I make and we get through everything just fine. Besides soon enough I'll be making more money than him, and he's going to have to get a second job just to afford an apartment doing what he does. He'll never go back to school or amount to anything, I'm a huge support for him in many ways and he's going to regret his decision to leave me.

Thank you for your encouraging words. They mean more than you know. I've gotten the water works under control for today, but I know they'll be back tomorrow.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> I'm confused... I don't understand how you can be splitting up and yet intent on enjoying the last few moments together.... it's not like the spanish inquisition is coming to take one of you away.
> 
> the only thing I can figure is that you are trying to be as nice as possible, trying to get him to reconnect in an effort to make him reconsider... is that what's going on?


I have been hoping for this. I don't want to give up on our marriage, but after talking to a close friend, who I think is right on target. He and I are both trying to manipulate the situation. I feel he might want to stay sometimes (like when I saw him 2 seconds ago)... but others I don't (like last night). I want him to love me like I know he has before. But, I know now that is a lost cause and he is just taking advantage of my patience and kindness. My friend told me I need to get through this intact, and the only way to do that is to set boundaries. This involves buying a bed for him to sleep on in another room. Giving a deadline for when he needs to move out and stop letting my guard down. I need to stand up for myself, and be true to me. Which is hard. Because I see him, and all of this advice somehow goes out the window. Because really, all I want or wanted was to be with him.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Honestly being my normal patient and sweet self helps me too. It does. I'd hate myself if I was mean to him or disregarded his needs. I'm not like him. I can't do that.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> go to the book store tomorrow during lunch and get "Keeping the love you find" or "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. these are transformational books. they can teach you the skills you need to save your marriage.
> 
> and they are cheaper than a mattress.
> 
> good luck



Thanks I will do so, I'll try to go get it in the morning. Right now I'm using the "Love Dare" book, although i think he should be the one doing it. I'm on day two. I suppose that is why I am focusing so much on patience and kindness. Although these two things are generally apart of my behavior and my nature so a book telling me how to use them is kind of pointless. But I'm going to start day 3 tonight when I get home from work. I look forward to some of the dares in the book for sure. Although some might end in me getting horribly rejected, I'm ready to take it and keep going. But I will also try those books. Thanks.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Question though... do these Hendrix books involve working independently or with your partner? Because if they involve him putting in some effort... then they are not worth the money because he won't. He refuses to take advice from anyone on his life/marriage/behavior etc. I've asked him to seek therapy for his depressive spouts but he won't. So a self help book that involves both partners isn't going to be as effective. I chose the "love dare" because it's one person journey to saving their love.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Went over and bought the one for singles. Because I think the couples one might be total waste of time, I can't work at something he won't do with me right? So I'm already through the first chapter, and I'm hoping to get through at least 5 more tomorrow, maybe another one tonight before bed.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have to disagree with Hunt on this. Your husband has made it pretty darn clear that he is done with the marriage. He claimed to share your wish to cherish your last weeks together, but yet here he is talking to his friend during time he could be spending with you. If there was even a flicker of doubt about this in his mind, he'd be spending that time with you. 

You need to accept defeat. You need to accept that he has decided he wants out, and the reasons really don't matter anymore. I do agree that there is something more going on with these phone calls, whether he's gay, talking to another woman, or said, "Hey, Rick, call me every night so I can avoid talking to her, ok?" And honestly, even with that, what's going on doesn't matter. The end result is the only thing that counts, and the end result is he's ignoring you. 

I don't know why you would let him treat you this way. I understand you love him, but don't you love yourself? Why would you want to let someone treat you with such disrespect, such lack of concern? Why would you let him use you this way? And I'm sorry, but that's precisely what he's doing. You're letting him stay there because "he can't afford to move out". Well, too darn bad. When you decide to tell your spouse you want out of the marriage, that means you better be ready to find another place to live, or to live on the streets for a while. You don't get to expect her/him to put you up until you can afford to move. 

You need to tell him to pack his stuff and leave. He can always go stay with that friend of his. If that won't work, I'm sure he's got family or other friends. And if not, there's always a hotel or motel. I don't know where you live, but I know where I am (which is BFE, so you should have them there too), we have sleazy little motels where you can rent a room by the week or month pretty cheap. And don't tell me "I don't want him to have live like that". It's not your concern anymore. He wants out; let him out. Make him take full responsibility for coming to you and telling you "I want a divorce." 

IF, and this is a big IF, he were going to change his mind and want to be with you still, this is the only way it will happen. He's not going to change his mind when he can disrespect you and use you this way; he's going to see you as a weak, easily manipulated woman and he won't want that. Stand up for yourself, kick him out, make him take responsibility for his decisions, and if he's going to change him mind, that's what'll do it. He'll see that you can't be manipulated, controlled, used, disrespected and he'll find that attractive.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I have to agree with atruckersgirl. he wants the best of both worlds... a divorce without the messy breakup.

It's time for (a) him to leave and (b) you to realize that is going to happen sooner or later. Why are you allowing him to put you through this. I know you still hold hope but if you really want to see if there is a chance, tell him to find another place to stay by the end of the week.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I have to agree with atruckersgirl. he wants the best of both worlds... a divorce without the messy breakup.
> 
> It's time for (a) him to leave and (b) you to realize that is going to happen sooner or later. Why are you allowing him to put you through this. I know you still hold hope but if you really want to see if there is a chance, tell him to find another place to stay by the end of the week.


I also agree with atruckersgirl. We actually talked about this last night. -I told him how the phone calls are incredibly irritating, and if he's using them to avoid me then he should leave.- I also told him if he's going to act like my husband during our sleeping life, and lay in my bed, then he needs to act like my husband in our waking life. If that isn't going to happen he needs to sleep somewhere else. I stood my ground, and he slept elsewhere. He is still playing this card of "where am I supposed to go... the streets?" I don't agree with that. I think he's just having a pity party... but the truth is he does have nowhere else to go. We live in Alaska, and he has no family here.

I don't want him to have to live on the streets. I approached him this week about what he was thinking as far as our marriage goes, I asked for the truth and I got it. So now I also have to live with those consequences. Just because he told me he wants a divorce, doesn't mean he wanted to tell me that. 
Throwing him out because of him telling me the truth, I don't see that as a way I would ever want to resolute this kind of situation. You don't just kick someone out after many years of loving them. Well, maybe some do, but I don't. I won't. Not because I'm clinging on to that last thread of my marriage but because after this, we're going to still be close friends. He even said that we could probably get through this rough patch but he's afraid of our future. That it will happen again 5 years from now. That it's better to end it now, while we're still young. We're both mature adults and understand our situation is an unfortunate one but we're going to make the best of it, together. I realize that he isn't going to come back. I realize that my life is going in a new direction. I've almost stopped clinging. I'm trying to focus on better things. Good things that will come of this. A NEW FUTURE. It feels really good to say that.

I know he's being selfish and he is taking advantage of me. (That is part of his nature). But I will not allow it anymore. I've tried to tell him that if he isn't going to behave in a certain manner and respect me then he does need to leave, and that I don't really care where he goes. (If he oversteps this boundary -he is out, I'll throw his **** out myself) There are other options other than the street. We do have hotels & motels here but it's our tourist season so they are 4 times as expensive as they normally would be, so staying in one of those is not an option. He has no friends because he's a drunk antisocial introvert. Honestly, he's spoken to no one about our separating. I have made many requests that he try talking to someone else about it to get another perspective, or call his parents just to let them in on it. He won't. It only angers him when I mention his parents. It's a bridge he is going to burn whether he likes it or not, but it's his bed, he'll lie in it eventually. (They're Mormon. Enough said).

I'm just going to do what I do best. Be patient, and kind and wait for things to run their course. I agree with everything she said, but I'm not capable of being mean or disrespectful to this man, regardless of how he is treating me. I wish people would understand that. You may see it, and he may see it as being "weak" but weakness is not what this is at all. I'm stronger than most women I know, and I'm am capable of maintaining my sanity in a time when the person I love the most is abandoning me, abusing me emotionally and taking advantage of me. So say what you will about me, but I know who I am, and compassion and patience are my middle names. I know I'll get through this intact. I know he'll regret it. Because I'm a great woman and I was an amazing wife to a man who didn't deserve me. He's just a lousy person, and a TERRIBLE husband. I tolerated it because I (unlike him) can make myself happy all the time. I've never been depressed, dependent on drugs, or done anything in my life that caused me or anyone else ill effects. (Except for getting married and loving the wrong man). 

He keeps saying we have nothing in common, but he has no trouble taking advantage of that which he does not possess. Kicking him out may make him "more attracted" to me you say. Um. No. I'll never see him again if I did that. You don't know my husband. He doesn't grovel. He has WAY too much pride, his ego could fill the state of Alaska if it has mass. I know we can maintain a friendship. Hell, we're doing that right now. Although it's more than a bit unpleasant. I think once the papers are signed and pressure is off, friendship will be perfect for us. He'll never have to be responsible for my expectations or his obligations. We'll just be cohorts, rather than companions. And I'm okay with that. I'll always love him (only God knows why), but I am resigned to this. It's over. Once he's gone I'll move on and find myself love again.

Got a book that Hunt Brown recommended by Hendrix. It's a good read so far. I'm learning a lot. I think it will really help me in my future endeavors of the heart.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> this is why one person can, through personal growth, initiate the salvation of a marriage, because love is the basis, the core of the relationship and it can be rekindled once all the toxic crud is removed from the marriage.


Unfortunately he contributes most of that toxic crud (and I think that is evident in my posts) I know you said earlier that couples LOVE to point the finger at each other, I'm not saying he is at fault, because we both are. I'm working on removing my toxicity, but he's making up more for what I'm getting rid of. I'm going to keep reading that Hendrix book and doing the "Love Dare" knowing that in the end I'll still be disappointed, but if I don't try, I'll never know. Right? I'm sad, because the first 3 days involve things that I have implemented in to our marriage all along. They don't work...


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

He went to go look at apartments in a nearby town today. And maybe some available jobs in that area as well. Funny thing is... he said "I Love You" before he left.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Mandia, I never meant to imply that you were weak, and I apologize if I did. What I was trying to say was that that is how HE sees you. And I also didn't mean you should be mean to him, but be firm with him. The longer you let him stay, the more he'll try to take advantage of that. You need to give him a deadline and tell him to be out by then. It doesn't have to be today. But sit him down, and tell him, "You have until X date to get your own place. That should be plenty of time to save up what you need and find a place. And even if you haven't, you need to leave by then. Unless you want to work it out, and if that's the case, then this is what needs to happen..."

I do apologize if you thought I was trying to say you were weak, or anything derogatory towards you. I honestly wasn't trying to do that.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

I appreciate that truckersgirl. I really do. I know you don't know me, but that you understand the situation. 

He just returned from looking for apartments, and he seems happy. He seems somewhat excited and motivated. For what emotion he does show anyway... it was very slight, but it was there. He had this idea of a place he could work, but when he drove by and saw it for the first time... he changed his mind. But there are other options in the area. I think before he were to move to another town he would need to have a job in place, and that might take some time. 

He's less depressed today because of this outing, and he's even going to cook us dinner. 

You see, the marriage is over, but there is more than just our marriage between us. We truly care about each other, and this will not be an ugly divorce. This is why I have not been firm or stern with it. Regardless of how much it is hurting me, this isn't exactly "easy" on him either. He never wanted to hurt me this much, but he realizes that is what he is doing, but it's also the reality of the situation. I'm not a very good bottler. I don't hide my emotions very well. I put a lot on him. So he knows what he's doing, and how it's effecting me adversely. But like I said before, I asked for the truth. Had I not done so he probably would have continued to sit with me for a long time, stewing about how unhappy we've become. I still think there might be hope for us, that is why I am setting him free in my own way... and hoping that one day he'll get it together, and if he chooses to come back, I want that option to be there. Because he is a good man. Or was. He could be again. I know it. He just needs time to sort it out for himself. I put pressure on him, and he doesn't like that at all. So in some ways I am firm with him. But I messed up, and he has to get through that in his own way. He assumes that I'll disappoint him again or that he will continually disappoint me in the future. This is why were are ending. He's scared of our future, and that it won't lead us anywhere good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He will never respect you if you don't respect yourself. Are you reading? Add Boundaries in Marriage to the list. If you do start standing up for yourself, you will look more attractive to him.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

turnera-

You people don't seem to understand me at all. I do respect myself, completely, I'm just willing to put up with *A LOT* of ****. I'm what most people would see as selfless to a fault, but I think honestly it's my way of giving everything I have to give. It's not a negative thing. I've actually talked to my therapist about it and she agrees. She thinks I'm am one of the most level-headed, and genuinely kind people she's ever coached. She also said that I have so much to offer people with this gift of selflessness that it makes me some kinda of unknown "rock star" in the world. It was quite surprising. I am simply in therapy because I found that books and psychology classes were too generic and time consuming, although less expensive, they wouldn't help my marriage. I needed feedback to my situations and questions. She and I have different relationship, although still doctor patient, rather than truly coaching me through life she teaching me about what exactly I want to know about my husband and his behavior. ANYWAY... got off on a tangent there, sorry.

People think I let him walk all over me because I don't love myself enough or don't respect myself, you couldn't be more wrong. I am a very much _"I do what I want"_ person, with an extremely accommodating nature. I'm a good wife, and it truly is his loss. He's damaging our relationship all by himself. Setting boundaries that are unnecessary and ultimatums that I can't meet. Me being a doormat... as some people think, has fault I'm sure, and if he didn't like that then he should have learned that 5 years ago. I'm sorry that most of you feel I'm a loser, but I think I'm a winner and that is really all that matters.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, I am a lot like you. So I do get it. But the bottom line is that if you don't treat yourself as if you deserve as much as him, then he won't either. It really is that simple. No one is saying you are a loser. We are saying that the choice you have made, to be selfless, has contributed to you being taken for granted. Now, you are starting to be unhappy about that. As is normal. So what will you do? He LIKES you being a doormat, because that translates into him getting everything he wants, without him having to do any work to reciprocate. Why wouldn't he like that?

A boundary is not an ultimatum. It is you telling your spouse that you require a certain level of attention or time or conversation or whatever it is you are missing. And you telling him that if he can't provide it, you need to find it elsewhere. 

But if you're not willing to leave him, then you have to settle in your mind that you may NOT have those things you are missing. A boundary is that choice you make in life in what you have to have, for happiness. If just being with him is #1, then you have to be willing to accept less than the rest.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

He's checked out of the relationship. It's done for him. Over.

You can accuse him of being gay (common tactic for women not willing or capable of dealing with the facts), you can be upset, you can scream and yell, you can threaten him with bodily harm.

None of it will do any good because he's checked out of the relationship.

He must leave or you must leave.

And sorry, you ARE weak for letting your emotions control you so much. This is not being intentionally hurtful. It is a simply statement of fact.

Weakness is letting emotions control rational thought with the result that bad decisions are made. And why did you pick a drunk, antisocial introvert?


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Zammo said:


> He's checked out of the relationship. It's done for him. Over.
> 
> You can accuse him of being gay (common tactic for women not willing or capable of dealing with the facts), you can be upset, you can scream and yell, you can threaten him with bodily harm.
> 
> ...


Thanks Zammo, you're absolutely right. It took me weeks to figure this out on my own, but trust me, I have. We've filed the paper work and I am leaving the day after our hearing. I'm so done, and I have no idea what came over me. I'm so much stronger than that. I've totally turned over a new leaf. I'm in a much better place. I'm looking to my future with a bright smile and my head back on straight. Trust me... I know all of what you said is true. It just took me a while. But I'm good now, I'll be better off without him.


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