# Today, April 23rd. 1 year without sex



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.

I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.

I don’t like meeting guys on dating apps, and I only like having sex if I’m emotionally attached. I feel so stupid because everyone else is exploring their sex lives and I’m here.

I’m legit so sad for that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Nina0 said:


> Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
> To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.
> 
> I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.
> ...


You can have sex before midnight tonight. Women have that power. You have to decide what you are willing to accept. If you set your standards so high that no man can meet them, you will end up with no man.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> You can have sex before midnight tonight. Women have that power.


Are you telling her to have a one night stand?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Are you telling her to have a one night stand?


No. I'm telling her that she has that option. If you read the rest of my post, I talk about standards. She has to decide where the line is as to what she's willing to accept. I'm aware of a wonderful lady, now 67, who has been without for many, many years. After a bad divorce, she set her standards so high that no one can meet them. She's been sexless and lonely for a very long time. It was her choice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> No. I'm telling her that she has that option. If you read the rest of my post, I talk about standards. She has to decide where the line is as to what she's willing to accept. I'm aware of a wonderful lady, now 67, who has been without for many, many years. After a bad divorce, she set her standards so high that no one can meet them. She's been sexless and lonely for a very long time. It was her choice.


ok, but I happen to agree with her high standards... she doesn't have to lower them. I haven't had sex for over 3 years, so I know what she is talking about... I'm not lowering my standards either...


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> ok, but I happen to agree with her high standards... she doesn't have to lower them. I haven't had sex for over 3 years, so I know what she is talking about... I'm not lowering my standards either...


Yup...about 1.5 for me and I’d rather go without than settle.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I feel your pain. But you say you were going through a heartbreak, so how is that wasting your time? You were coping with a loss. 

Also, you say you don't want sex without an emotional attachment which I completely get. Do you want an emotional attachment? Or are you still healing and dealing with what happened to you?

I wouldn't be in a huge rush.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yup...about 1.5 for me and I’d rather go without than settle.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I was the same. It was 6 years for me between my first marriage ending and marrying my second husband, he was worth the wait .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
> To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.
> 
> I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.
> ...


Please dont think that you have to be like the majority. Wait for the right guy, you will be glad you did. There is nothing wrong with you for having no sex for a year, far better than having casual sex with people you have no connection with and emotional attachment to.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The good news is the lack of sex probably won't kill you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> The good news is the lack of sex probably won't kill you.


It never does


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I never understood your whole story. Did you and your husband divorce - from the time of talking about it to going out with your TA was just a couple of months?!?!? And what happened to the TA in the end?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I believe in standards and requirements as well as boundaries and deal breakers.

But she hasn’t said anything about standards and deal breakers, other than wanting an emotional attachment. I would HOPE one would want some kind of emotional attachment with sex. That is a healthy standard, not a high or unrealistic one. 

She didn’t come here and say that she hasn’t found a 6’3” bodybuilding astrophysicist with 3 PhDs with wavy blond hair and deep blue eyes that’s hung like a horse. 

She’s basically said that she hasn’t done anything to find anyone for a year. 

It doesn’t matter what your standards are, if you are sitting in your hands at home and not doing anything, your going to get nothing. 

No matter who you are or what your standards are, ya gotta put in the work. 

Having an emotional attachment before sex is a perfectly valid standard, what are you doing to get an emotional attachment with someone???

I’m not seeing too high or unrealistic standards in her post. I am seeing resting inertia and fear. 

Address those two roadblocks and as was said above, you have a world of options and opportunities.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nina0 said:


> I don’t like meeting guys on dating apps,


I want to say something about this above.

Back when I was on the singles dating market, people met their partners through school, through friends/families, in bars and at work.

Once I got out of high school almost all of my dates, GFs, hook ups and ultimately my wife were met through work.

Most of my peers married their high school and college sweethearts. 

That was over 30+ years ago in Midwest farm country.

Times and people have changed. 

There is a very real cultural shift in the age at which it’s considered ok to marry and people are strongly discouraged from marrying high school sweetheart now (a very positive change IMHO)

Many colleges are now online and not in person classrooms currently so even college campus is less socially interactive.

In days of yore being introduced to potential love interests through friends and family was very common ( and IMHO still the best way) and going back further, arraigned marriage was the standard practice around the globe.

But today that’s even frowned on as people are expected to find their own mates and the social custom is for people to mind their own business and that we shouldn’t let out friends/family influence our own mate choices.

And one of the biggest social shifts has occurred in the workplace. 30 years ago it was quite common for young adults to meet in the workplace as more and more women were not marrying their homecoming date and were entering the workforce.

But as time went on, workplace romances and affairs etc were becoming more and more taboo and frowned upon.

Today many companies have enacted actual policies against it and people can even be at risk of losing their jobs for becoming involved with coworkers.

The term, “don’t shyte where you eat” has become the mantra of work place romance.

So you tell me, what does that leave for a 30 year old woman? Bopping your personal trainer at the gym along with the dozen other lonely hearts and bored housewives he is bopping??

My point here is that many of the traditional means of finding love have dried up and dating apps and online in many ways is how adults find and meet each other today. A 30 year old today saying they don't want to meet people online or via apps is a 30 year old in 1990 saying they don't want to meet people in bars, at work or through friends.... what does that leave? 

Now yes of course you can still meet people through friends and through hobbies and community activities and personal interests etc,,,,, but you still have to get off your hands and get out and do it. You still have to get out of the house and put in the effort to say hi and talk to people.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you all for your input! It does help me to understand things.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> I never understood your whole story. Did you and your husband divorce - from the time of talking about it to going out with your TA was just a couple of months?!?!? And what happened to the TA in the end?


Ok so, let me make a summary:


I grew up in a Christian family were I was waiting for the one during my whole adolescence, so I didn’t have a boyfriend and didn’t have any sexual experience because it was considered dirty before marriage.
When I was 21 I moved to another country for an exchange program and I loved it there and decided to build my life there. Away from family my view on things changed.
Went on multiple dates but never did anything sexually.
Dated a guy for three months and finally lost my virginity when I was 22. He left after couple weeks.
Met a guy who became my husband for 6 years. Sex with him wasn’t great because he never wanted to try something new. Didn’t let me use toys, etc. He was not all bad, but I was too naive and ignored the red flags (you can see my posts about him). We were literally having sex 3 times a year and only because I approached him.
- Divorced him and after three months I met my TA. I asked him out because I saw that he was clearly interested. We “dated” for three months and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. We had sex and he left after two weeks (Dejavu). It was in the beginning of the pandemic.

Spent the whole pandemic alone and going through a heart break. I know I didn’t spend enough time with the TA but I loved what we had. That was a connection that I tried to have with my ex husband for so long. We could talk for hours and forget about time. That’s why I had a hard time to let him go.
After 7 months I finally forgot about him, and when I did he came back and invited me to eat ice cream and watch the sunset. At the end of the date he said he still liked me (HAHA). I said ok, we can keep hanging out and see where it goes (I wasn’t interested on him anymore. I just wanted to see what he was gonna do). And then he never contacted me again lol
And then in January my coworker and I started to flirt and I went ahead and asked him out. Two perfect dates but he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

HAHA that’s my whole love life.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Take it slow, there's no reason to hurry. Take some time to reflect on your past relationships and ask yourself what you liked and disliked about them. Ask yourself what you might have done to short-circuit a relationship you thought was going somewhere? Sex is heightened when we are at home with who we are and are invested in another person who is invested in us. So much of sex has to do with things that aren't specifically about sex, how comfortable you are with yourself, how able you are to see what it is you want in someone else, confidence and honesty all play a role.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> Ok so, let me make a summary:
> 
> 
> I grew up in a Christian family were I was waiting for the one during my whole adolescence, so I didn’t have a boyfriend and didn’t have any sexual experience because it was considered dirty before marriage.
> ...


Thanks for the clarification. In your original posts it seemed like much less than 3 months between saying that you and your husband were working things out and going out on a date with your TA - hardly enough time to work anything out much less divorce. It sounded like an overlap.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for the clarification. In your original posts it seemed like much less than 3 months between saying that you and your husband were working things out and going out on a date with your TA - hardly enough time to work anything out much less divorce. It sounded like an overlap.


Yeah no, my ex husband and I were talking about divorce for a year before I even met the TA. We only later on decided to split. We are still working on the paperwork. He has a girlfriend and they moved in together (he’s 38 and she’s 21!!!!!!!!!!).... and we are still friends.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> ok, but I happen to agree with her high standards... she doesn't have to lower them. I haven't had sex for over 3 years, so I know what she is talking about... I'm not lowering my standards either...


I wasn't suggesting that she lower her standards. My comment was she had the option. I was very specific with what I wrote. If you haven't had sex for three years then...never mind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
> To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.
> 
> I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.
> ...


I don't think you're sad at all.

You are you and the choices you make aren't wrong or bad because so many others choose differently.

I won't have sex outside of marriage so if my Mrs ever left for heaven before me, odds are I would be going without for a very long time. LoL!

If you need a real relationship for sex then by God you aren't sad at all for looking and waiting for "him".🙂


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> The good news is the lack of sex probably won't kill you.


Huh?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What are you looking for in a guy? What are you doing to meet other people? 

Dating now a days seems complicated to me. Maybe a christian dating site might help you finding a better match?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nina0 said:


> - Divorced him and after three months I met my TA.


What's a TA?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
> To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.
> 
> I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.
> ...


Don't fee too bad, you are probably less alone then you think, there are probably more people then you know who go years without it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Ok so, let me make a summary:
> 
> 
> I grew up in a Christian family were I was waiting for the one during my whole adolescence, so I didn’t have a boyfriend and didn’t have any sexual experience because it was considered dirty before marriage.
> ...


Sounds like you have a type. But that type may be misguided and lead to you ending up with a guy that is not compatible. Maybe work on that.

Then again this is only two men, maybe you are just unlucky and need to date more different kinds of guys. I read an article once that people often think that they won't be compatible with people because of superficial reasons, and therefor miss out on potential mates.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

pastasauce79 said:


> What are you looking for in a guy? What are you doing to meet other people?
> 
> Dating now a days seems complicated to me. Maybe a christian dating site might help you finding a better match?


I’m looking for a guy who enjoys spending time with me, who takes initiative, who wants to get to know me... and then eventually we become boyfriend and girlfriend and then we get intimate. U know? Just like normal people haha 
Right now I just go to work and have online classes. Now that bars are open in my town, my friends and I have been going out. 
And no, I’m not Christian anymore and I can’t stand anything that has to do with church so I don’t think a Christian website would be a good idea. 
I also want to meet someone organically, and not online.

for the one who asked, TA means (teacher assistant)


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> I’m looking for a guy who enjoys spending time with me, who takes initiative, who wants to get to know me... and then eventually we become boyfriend and girlfriend and then we get intimate. U know? Just like normal people haha
> Right now I just go to work and have online classes. Now that bars are open in my town, my friends and I have been going out.
> And no, I’m not Christian anymore and I can’t stand anything that has to do with church so I don’t think a Christian website would be a good idea.
> I also want to meet someone organically, and not online.
> ...


What you want seems reasonable. 

From my experience, because I moved a few times around the country, I used facebook groups or Meetup to meet people. I wasn't looking for a date, but I met people I had things in common with and started a friendly relationship. 

Covid definitely changed the way we meet people. I don't really know how you could find someone other than online dating! Maybe other people can give you ideas on how to meet people now a days!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, join an athletic club. If you don't ride a rode bike get one and join a club....it's 90% men and all the single ones are looking 

Or join a running club. I belong to both and met my awesome bf cycling 

And let me give you some advice from the perspective of a 47 year old chick: as long as you take care of yourself your best sexual years are still ahead of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Just don’t expect to find what you’re looking for in early 20-something guys.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, join an athletic club. If you don't ride a rode bike get one and join a club....it's 90% men and all the single ones are looking
> 
> Or join a running club. I belong to both and met my awesome bf cycling
> 
> And let me give you some advice from the perspective of a 47 year old chick: as long as you take care of yourself your best sexual years are still ahead of you.


Thank you for the idea! I just researched clubs in my college and I will be joining 4 
I'm just excited to meet people outside work! And if I meet someone with mutual interest it is just a plus.

Thank you all! I feel way better now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> I wasn't suggesting that she lower her standards. My comment was she had the option. I was very specific with what I wrote. If you haven't had sex for three years then...never mind.


Well, that's semantics... you said: "If you set your standards so high that no man can meet them, you will end up with no man." What do you mean with this? If she doesn't lower her standards, she'll never find a man. Of course she has the option, but that's what you are suggesting. And how can you have sex by midnight without screwing some random guy? But we can forget about this... it's not really important...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Well, that's semantics... you said: "If you set your standards so high that no man can meet them, you will end up with no man." What do you mean with this? If she doesn't lower her standards, she'll never find a man. Of course she has the option, but that's what you are suggesting. And how can you have sex by midnight without screwing some random guy? But we can forget about this... it's not really important...


Just because you don't understand what I'm saying doesn't mean it's semantics. Let me try again to clarify. If she sets her standards SO high that no man can meet them, like the lady I mentioned did, she will be alone for a long time. The fact that she can have sex by midnight is simply an illustration that she has control over her standards. All I was saying was to be realistic is setting her standards. Sometimes it's easer to illustrate absurdities by being absurd. There's a risk in taking that approach as some people don't get it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Just because you don't understand what I'm saying doesn't mean it's semantics. Let me try again to clarify. If she sets her standards SO high that no man can meet them, like the lady I mentioned did, she will be alone for a long time. The fact that she can have sex by midnight is simply an illustration that she has control over her standards. All I was saying was to be realistic is setting her standards. Sometimes it's easer to illustrate absurdities by being absurd. There's a risk in taking that approach as some people don't get it.


I do understand... and that's better...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> Well, that's semantics... you said: "If you set your standards so high that no man can meet them, you will end up with no man." What do you mean with this? If she doesn't lower her standards, she'll never find a man. Of course she has the option, but that's what you are suggesting. And how can you have sex by midnight without screwing some random guy? But we can forget about this... it's not really important...


Come on dude. Is that really what you took from what he said? He was trying to get OP to do an inner self check to make sure she wasn’t eliminating many guys that would want to date her. 

When I read of a woman who is having a hard time finding a man to date, I too wonder is she so picky that she has unrealistic expectations. Just as I would advise a buddy to temper his expectations of what he can pull based on what he brings to the dating table.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Come on dude. Is that really what you took from what he said? He was trying to get OP to do an inner self check to make sure she wasn’t eliminating many guys that would want to date her.


He didn't express himself very well, despite what he's saying now, backtracking. But it's ok. I did say it wasn't important. Nobody is perfect. I can't write properly in English either....


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I do understand... and that's better...


Thanks. I'm posting too much here. When I write so much in a short period of time, I take shortcuts. After all, I know exactly what I mean. 

After reading a really, really long thread, I posted in another forum for the first time. I was immediately blasted for being the new guy and making assumptions. When I read what I wrote, it would have probably been accepted here because I have a few posts under my belt. It was a little over the top for there, so I edited my post. Text is so inadequate to express what voice can do easily.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Thanks. I'm posting too much here. When I write so much in a short period of time, I take shortcuts. After all, I know exactly what I mean.
> 
> After reading a really, really long thread, I posted in another forum for the first time. I was immediately blasted for being the new guy and making assumptions. When I read what I wrote, it would have probably been accepted here because I have a few posts under my belt. It was a little over the top for there, so I edited my post. Text is so inadequate to express what voice can do easily.


Don't be silly. I should apologise for being a PITA! I've left many threads myself for the aggressiveness, so I know what you are talking about. My last few comments on your posts here were light-hearted. Maybe they didn't come across like that. Also, English is not my first language...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nina0 said:


> Yeah, that’s right. I’m a 30 year old who hasn’t had sex in a whole year.
> To be fair I didn’t go on a date with anyone for 10 months because 1) pandemic; 2) I was going through a heart break.
> 
> I feel like I’m wasting time. I fear so much that I’m wasting my “young” years without having sex.
> ...


Just make sure you're getting yourself off so you're not dwelling on it. Even in my best years I went longer than that without sex sometimes either because there wasn't someone I was particularly interested in or there was someone I was particularly interested in who wasn't responding. The main thing is to get out and be social and I know there's been covid but by now you should be getting immunized so you can go out and be social again.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Don't be silly. I should apologise for being a PITA! I've left many threads myself for the aggressiveness, so I know what you are talking about. My last few comments on your posts here were light-hearted. Maybe they didn't come across like that. Also, English is not my first language...


English IS my first language, but it's still a struggle. LOL


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Just because you don't understand what I'm saying doesn't mean it's semantics. Let me try again to clarify. If she sets her standards SO high that no man can meet them, like the lady I mentioned did, she will be alone for a long time. The fact that she can have sex by midnight is simply an illustration that she has control over her standards. All I was saying was to be realistic is setting her standards. Sometimes it's easer to illustrate absurdities by being absurd. There's a risk in taking that approach as some people don't get it.


I get what you say, but after my first marriage ended and 4 years had passed and I was ready to think about dating again, I had mega high standards. Not for shallow things like, he must be over 6ft or he must earn more than £**** say, but I wrote down a whole page full of things I wanted in a man if I was to get married again. 
For me and maybe for some others its better to be alone than be with a man/woman who you have maybe 'settled' for and who just isnt the person you hoped for. 

I honestly gave God a VERY hard job, and I realised that I may never marry again(I was late 40's by then). I am sure it must have been like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but He did it and 2 years after I felt I was ready to date again I met my now husband of 16 years on a dating site.(Yes God can use dating sites). Whenever I wavered, I felt God saying, dont settle for second best. Glad I didnt.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with your decisions. Thankfully it worked out as well as or better than you hoped it would. That's fantastic! I'm merely trying to communicate what I saw happen to a former friend. Her decisions destroyed her. It didn't have to be that way. I'm sorry I'm not better at explaining what I'm trying to say.

Again, I'm happy for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with your decisions. Thankfully it worked out as well as or better than you hoped it would. That's fantastic! I'm merely trying to communicate what I saw happen to a former friend. Her decisions destroyed her. It didn't have to be that way. I'm sorry I'm not better at explaining what I'm trying to say.
> 
> Again, I'm happy for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.


Yes some dont make good decisions I agree on that, like your friend.


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