# I Cannot Have Sex With My Wife



## Guy Noir (Oct 25, 2013)

I know this will sound weird, but I cannot have sex with my wife. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but I honestly can't think of anything else worse. 

My wife and I have been married for 4 years and dated long distance before we got married for almost 2 years. I never met a less touchy-feely, affectionate person. She would frequently push me away when I tried to hug her and never initiated any contact of any kind. 

I married her because she's a good person and she told me she was sexually abused as a child. I'm not a sexual person myself, so I thought I could live without sex and honestly, I don't miss it at all. 

When we got married, my wife kept talking asking about our first sexual encounter in terms of "getting it over with." We did so and it was boring. I had sex with her maybe 6 more times, but each time was her basically lying there while I gave her oral sex and then penetrated her to completion. The last few times, I had a very difficult time staying erect because I was so mentally checked out. During sex, my wife would often complain that she wanted to do a different position, but when we'd try, she'd be pretty unenthusiastic about it. 

Anyway, we haven't had sex in the past 3 1/2 years and I'm ok with it. I'm not ok with how emotionally distant she is. That feels like a knife to my heart every day. The problem is she's now putting lots of pressure on me to have sex with her and she's going through my life history blaming everything she knows about on why I have no sex drive. (That really hurts, too, as it's taking stuff I shared in confidence and using it against me.) 

I know the only reason she wants to have sex is she wants to get pregnant. I have no desire to have a baby with her because I know any decisions we made together would be vetoed by her father and her family since that's the way things work now. My life is basically viewed as an inconvenience for her family and I kinda hate them. 

I dunno...there's no real point to all of this. I just needed to get it out to someone. We used to go to couples therapy, but my wife would just use it to unload on me for an hour and a half every time and then she quit going. I have continued to go, by myself. 

The real mystery about all of this is my wife seems to be really happy. She just wants us to have sex and there is no way I can do that ever again. For me, the idea of having sex with her is like having sex with a man...physically, I could probably pull it off, but I don't think I'd enjoy it at all. 

So, yeah, that's my messed up sex situation. I just had to write that all down and put it somewhere.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, that sucks.

Are you planning on staying married to her?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Guy Noir said:


> I know this will sound weird, but I cannot have sex with my wife. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but I honestly can't think of anything else worse.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years and dated long distance before we got married for almost 2 years. I never met a less touchy-feely, affectionate person. She would frequently push me away when I tried to hug her and never initiated any contact of any kind.
> 
> ...


Divorce her


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Has she said that the only reason she wants to have sex is that she can get pregnant or is this something you just "know"?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Guy Noir said:


> I know this will sound weird, but I cannot have sex with my wife. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but I honestly can't think of anything else worse.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years and dated long distance before we got married for almost 2 years. I never met a less touchy-feely, affectionate person. She would frequently push me away when I tried to hug her and never initiated any contact of any kind.
> 
> ...



Get divorced, find a woman who is into sex, all positions, emotionally close to you and doesn't only want sex to have kids. Many of them out there.

Since she was abused as a child, did she go to therapy and heal or do nothing and give you her baggage?

She should of dealt with this before you guys got married.

Having sex with her is like having sex with a man? Move on already.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Guy Noir said:


> I know the only reason she wants to have sex is she wants to get pregnant. I have no desire to have a baby with her because *I know any decisions we made together would be vetoed by her father and her family since that's the way things work now.* My life is basically viewed as an inconvenience for her family and I kinda hate them.


What's that all about? How can her father rule your household, and why do you let him?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you still with her?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's not sex that's messed up, it's your whole life. You sound as if you have given up on living and settled for existing. Are you sure that you are not being lazy and staying in place? 

This is a bad situation and you must be honest with her. That's good for you and her. You probably won't be able to get her family to respect you. Does not sound like she loves or cares about you. 

If you don't love yourself then stay. If you are interested changing the way you feel and affirming that you deserve to be loved, get out and start over. 

Tell her what's going on with you, inform her that you are getting out so she can find someone to breed, get IC and find love. There are many asexual people, find out how to meet them.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I have read most of your posts Guy Noir. At first I wanted to be mean to you because of some of the things you have said about your wife, but now I think that perhaps you are someone who hasn't found what he wants/needs. You have a right to be happy!!! 



> Anyway, we haven't had sex in the past 3 1/2 years and I'm ok with it. I'm not ok with how emotionally distant she is. That feels like a knife to my heart every day. The problem is she's now putting lots of pressure on me to have sex with her and she's going through my life history blaming everything she knows about on why I have no sex drive. (That really hurts, too, as it's taking stuff I shared in confidence and using it against me.)


Can you elaborate on the reason you are okay with not having sex? I think that you should seek individual counseling to help deal with some of confidential stuff you have shared with your wife.

Please do not let her use the confidential information you shared with her against you. You are a good person who deserves a chance to happiness, as all of us are. 
Why do you put up with being unhappy? It is not fair for you nor your spouse.

Good luck to you


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

From my reading of your thread, it seems that you are not sure exactly what you want from the relationship/marriage and that there is no 'connection' there of course.

Many people will say that part of marriage is the sex and the emotional bond it creates....chicken and egg idea sometimes.

Until you figure out what YOU want from the relationship, if anything at all, don't have kids!


----------



## Guy Noir (Oct 25, 2013)

@Hope1964

"Are you planning on staying married to her?"

I don't know, but I'm leaning towards no. She's a good person, just really, really bad at being in a relationship. My therapist (our former couples' therapist) is working with me to be more honest with myself and what I want. I'm not very good with that. 

@JustSomeGuyWho

"Has she said that the only reason she wants to have sex is that she can get pregnant or is this something you just "know"?"

She has heavily, heavily suggested that's the reason why. She only talks about sex in context of wanting to get pregnant and says stuff like, "If we don't have sex, I can't get pregnant" or "we really have to figure out what's wrong with you so we can start having sex and I can get pregnant." She does not say anything like, "I would really like to have sex with you" or "you know what I need? Sex!"

@CuddleBug

"Since she was abused as a child, did she go to therapy and heal or do nothing and give you her baggage?"

She did not go to therapy before we were married. She started after we were married, went to a handful of appointments, then found this new age group that's all about energies. And that's cool, but she's not going to therapy to work on her abuse, no. It's more like a fact of life for her. 

@Plan 9 From OS

"What's that all about? How can her father rule your household, and why do you let him?"

Well, it's more like this. My wife and I talk stuff out, argue, make a decision and then she either asks her father or just makes a different decision based on what he wants. For example, we once moved across the country because her father wanted her to staff an office out there. (She works for him.) I told her I absolutely didn't want to move. She cancelled our lease, signed a new one, and bought plane tickets anyway. We've had to totally separate finances because I will not let that happen again. (That example is going back a few years and that lead us straight into couples counseling, btw. I was just about gone at that point.)

@EleGirl

"Why are you still with her?"

Because I made a promise by marrying her. I promised I'd take care of her, stick with her through good times and bad, etc. I look at it as I made this promise and I will do everything in my power to keep that promise no matter how hard it is, including not being honest with myself on how I feel. Denial is a powerful drug. 

@Catherine602

I think you make a LOT of good points. I'm going through some pretty intense therapy right now around how I lie to myself to please others around me. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. My therapist (our old couples therapist) is really working with me on everything you said. It's hard for me because I have always done whatever I can to make others happy and this idea of taking care of myself is completely alien to me. 

@ne9907

I would totally understand if you had been mean to me. I am trying to strip away as much as possible so I can start being honest with myself even if that means people don't like me. 

Why am I ok with not having sex? I dunno...it's not something that's ever been important to me. It's like...some people can't imagine a life without running and others look at them and don't get it. That's how I feel about sex. It's great if I find someone I *really* connect with, but otherwise, I don't care. Finding someone who seemed to be completely repulsed by it seemed like something I could live with pretty easily. 

As for the confidential information, I'm also working on that through therapy, too. I do not use her confidential information against her. This forum post is the first time I've mentioned her abuse at all. I haven't even told my therapist about that. No matter how hurt I am, I refuse to go there with her because it's a traumatic event and she deserves to make peace with that however she can. 

@Noble1

No, I don't know what I want. Kids won't happen. I kept trying to talk myself into it, because I badly want kids, but I don't have the warm fuzzies about it with her. 

I dunno...I know there are no easy answers. I just had to get that first post out before I exploded. Thank you to everyone who replied. I truly appreciate the time you took and your thoughts. I'm kinda in a messed up place right now and I want to heal as a person, so thank you for your warmth and attention.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your therapist sounds like a good one. Stick with it and do the hard work. It will be worth it in the end. And figure out what you really want soon - you only live once and to live like you are doesn't sound like the way I would want to live.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you had your testosterone levels checked? Low hormones might be why you are ok with not having sex. If it works for you then maybe it's ok.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You sound like a caretaker. An extreme self sacrificing one. There are many on this board. I am one but not as self scarifying as you. 

Look up Trickster's posts. He is a caretaker who changed his focus. It might be helpful to you. It is hard for a caretaker to think of change. However, the rate limiting process is to take the skills you already have and turn them to yourself. 

You have everything you need but it's just pointing in the wrong direction - outwards. Getting healthy means that you learn the duel role of loving. It starts with loving you and then sharing with others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> You sound like a caretaker. An extreme self sacrificing one. There are many on this board. I am one but not as self scarifying as you.
> 
> Look up Trickster's posts. He is a caretaker who changed his focus. It might be helpful to you. It is hard for a caretaker to think of change. However, the rate limiting process is to take the skills you already have and turn them to yourself.
> 
> ...


If you can flip the caretaker mindset to yourself you will be fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

I feel for you, healing takes years. My wife and I are going through the healing process, it's hard but we are enjoying our life together now.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Guy Noir said:


> @JustSomeGuyWho
> 
> "Has she said that the only reason she wants to have sex is that she can get pregnant or is this something you just "know"?"
> 
> She has heavily, heavily suggested that's the reason why. She only talks about sex in context of wanting to get pregnant and says stuff like, "If we don't have sex, I can't get pregnant" or "we really have to figure out what's wrong with you so we can start having sex and I can get pregnant." *She does not say anything like, "I would really like to have sex with you" or "you know what I need? Sex!"*


Without realizing that this, in fact, may be what's wrong with you.

My wife never says those things either and honestly it's a libido killer. I want her to want to have sex with me but she could take it or leave it and when we do, she barely participates. 

The big difference I see is that I really miss it. It is a great part of my life that has been missing for many years. The dynamic in your relationship is all wrong and not conducive to a healthy sex life but I would also check your testosterone level because it doesn't sound like your natural drive is there. Nothing wrong with that at all but there are other good reasons for having your testosterone checked so you might want to eliminate that as a problem.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Guy Noir said:


> I know this will sound weird, but I cannot have sex with my wife. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but I honestly can't think of anything else worse.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years and dated long distance before we got married for almost 2 years. I never met a less touchy-feely, affectionate person. She would frequently push me away when I tried to hug her and never initiated any contact of any kind.
> 
> ...


I'm in the same boat. Stopped having sex with my wife after my youngest was conceived 17 years ago. I tried for an open marriage but she wouldn't go for it so we have both done without sex for all these years. I just have no sexual desire for her and you can't fake that. I stayed on for the kids but it hasn't been easy. I really miss skin to skin sex and have tried to find it elsewhere over the years without much luck....few women want sex with a married guy. Good luck to you.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

It sounds like both of you are not very happy.
You don't stay married to someone just because
there a nice person.

You only live once and you're not living if you
are not happy.Having a child will only make things
much more complicated.Children need love and
hugs and signs that show there loved.

Divorce her and find yourself a person who
makes you happy and who you desire to be close
with.She can also find a LD person who will
make her happy.


----------

