# Oh NO you don't!



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

So today...got a text from H @ 10:30am "Missing you, staying at WORK for lunch and wish I were with you"

Me try and call him @ 12 @ work to say hey (we agreed to connect mid day if he doesn't come home). Guess what...not at work.

So, I GSP'ed his ass and he's at the sprint store. He sold something and said he was buying tires for the spyder (last night) but instead without us discussing decided to upgrade his phone. 

I called and told him flat out I was angry and he lied.....
his response "No, in essence I told you I wasn't coming home. My Gunny didn't need me at work and we have plans tonight so I thought I would get it done now" 
me "NO...in essence you said you were staying at work AND we didn't discuss this purchase AND I asked you to involve me more in your decisions. I would never had an issue with this and would of encouraged you to get a new phone since the old one is crappy." I have the friggin text on my phone, it's not arguable...it's fact.

HE asked me to give him 3 months
HE asked me to try and find a way to trust again
HE is the one that doesn't want to lose ME

He was so apologetic once I explained my feelings, how this makes all the pain and anger rush right back. He practically begged me to forgive him for being inconsiderate.....UHM, no! It makes me think nothing that lead us up to us feeling so disconnected has changed. I am angry, I refuse to just GET OVER my anger over these little SIGNS that compound upon a larger problem. 

He has to prove he wants this. I didn't break a single vow, he did.

I am not scared to lose him, I am not scared to be alone, I am not scared to date, I am not scared of ending up alone because I don't have to if I choose not to. I lived alone before him I can do it again. I DAMN well have lived half the marriage with out him due to deployments.

I AM NOT STUPID. I refuse not to call him out on his self minded behavior. Change it or get off the marriage bandwagon buddy. YOUR NOT SINGLE. If my anger makes him leave, oh well. Guess we didn't have much worth saving. :FIREdevil:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I am just going with Frickin' Yah. That's Vermont for I agree with you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'd probably just leave my wife if I was ever GPS tagged and caught her wrath for being in a cell phone store. A strip club maybe, an affair partners place sure that would make sense. But a cell phone store?

Who could live like that?


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes it is bad that he lied. And you are right for getting upset. However since I am a guy, I can understand why he would do something like this. He wasent doing anything decietful or anything that he intended to hide from you.. He just wanted a new phone and didnt think the whole situation through. 

Guys do stupid stuff sometimes.. I know I do. He should be more considerate of your fragile condition but you have to meet him in the middle. You also have to learn how to let all the small things roll of your shoulders. 

If your going to hold every single little thing against him for the rest of your marriage then maybe HE would be better off with another woman. If you dont care if your married or not then why give him false hope? You cant bring up his affair every time he does something stupid or makes a mistake. Reconciliation will never happen if your constantly holding his affair over his head.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He lied. It's hard to rebuild trust when a spouse lies--even about little things. And at this point it doesn't matter where he was. Your husband needs to be mindful of this.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

827Aug said:


> He lied. It's hard to rebuild trust when a spouse lies--even about little things. And at this point it doesn't matter where he was. Your husband needs to be mindful of this.


This exactly.

I have no intention of holding the affair against him for the rest of our marriage. But I also have no intention if having the marriage pre EA. We both want an improved marriage. So this kind of stuff is only holding us back. 

I have already expressed that if I can't get past it then I would leave. I have no intention in making our lives both a hell. 

These behaviors have been discussed in MC. This is one of my love busters, making large financial decisions without us talking about it and figuring it into our budget. He bought 2 guns equaling over $2k without conversation, a can am spyder well over $20k, hobby equipment for I don't know how many thousands of dollars. All debt, we just aren't rich people. One of our goals is to get out of all credit card debt in 2 years. So him going and dropping $300 on a new phone is 1. Counter productive to our mutual goal and 2. Inconsiderate since we discussed all purchases over $50 is run past the other spouse.

We actually had a MC session yesterday afternoon and I clarified this is about moving forward. If he wants to build trust he has to do the work.

Him being where he said he wouldn't be is a trust issue. My lack of trust is due to his bad choices....since in the past I would of TRUSTED him not to do anything like that. So the little things do count at this point. It was his idea for me to use the GSP feature on our phones.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really think you are on track. Obviously the spending is a big deal too. I'm glad you have agreed to discuss spending over a certain dollar amount. That's another area I could never get my estranged husband to agree too. It's one thing to buy a $50 thing, but quite another thing to buy a $50K item and then try to hide it. The secretive spending also leads to trust issues.

Did the MC help you to arrive at this trust/spending/lying framework? It sounds fair and workable to me. It's now up to him to "play" within these parameters. And he knows what they are.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I am glad we got to go right into MC with this issue. We didn't have time to talk about it before hand so feelings were still fresh about the situation.

I like our councilor. She helps me clarify my feelings with my words and she will also stop me and ask him if he understands what I am saying. I think some times he doesn't know how to process what I am saying since they aren't his feelings and he has a hard time processing his own feelings. 

The three of us seem to have a very good flow of conversation, she's easy to talk to and gets us right to the heart of the matter. I even see H using the communication techniques our councilor uses in our daily conversations. He's really learning to be an pro active about what we talk about.

I think a huge hurdle for us is when he is deployed for 7+ months he lives to work and tend to himself. Getting back and having to think like a married man and dad in the little day to day activities is something he has to work into. But I very much recognize his efforts in these areas. I would say he is 100% improved as a father and help mate around the house.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

Atholk said:


> I'd probably just leave my wife if I was ever GPS tagged and caught her wrath for being in a cell phone store. A strip club maybe, an affair partners place sure that would make sense. But a cell phone store?
> 
> Who could live like that?


agreed.


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