# What to do?



## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

This is my first time doing this so I'm not sure where to start so her it go.
I've been married 26 years 18 years ago my H was leaving for work and stopped and turned around and said "I've found another" he said he was just talking to her and that they had the same interests. I asked what do you want to do he said I want to get to know her better and hang out with her and do things. I told him that I loved him and wanted him to stay with me. He said after many hours of talking that he would stay with me and try but that he loved me but was not in love with me. I thought after some time we worked it out and that we were "ok".

12 years ago my daughter tells me that my H is on the internet talking nasty to women while I was at work I confronted him and he swore he would stop, A week later my daughter tells me he is still on the internet doing it so I confronted him again and told him if he didn't stop that we were done. After that as far as I know he didn't do it any more.

2 years ago he started being really nasty and mean to me we got in a fight and he said he couldn't take it anymore and moved out. He was gone 3 days with no contact so I checked his cell phone records and he was talking and texting somebody alot (before my H moved out he didn't know how to texted said he really didn't want to learn). I called him and asked him if he had somebody else, at first he said NO I knew he was lying so I kept pushing him and he finally admitted that he did it was somebody that he worked with and they had been talking for 3 months. Again I told him that I loved him and wanted him to come home he told me that he didn't want that he was the happiest that he had been in years. I begged him to come back to me which is the first time I had ever done that. After about an hour and half of me begging he finally agreed. I thought we could work on our marriage and get this hopefully to where we could both be happy. 

4 months ago my H started treating me like he did before he had left the last time so I asked him "are you still talking to her" he smugly and loudly said "YES I AM". He said he had been talking to her again for the last 3 months. We live separately now but he comes home on the weekends and says hes decided he wants to stay married and begs me to let him come home and stay. I don't know what I want anymore. I know this post is very long and I am sorry about that, I hope that you can understand what I have written. I am just writing this to see he anybody has an opinion of what I should do.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You have to look at what's in your heart and what's in your best personal interest, but given what you wrote, this guy is not going to change. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't give him another chance, you've been more than generous with him and now you need to maintain your self respect. Others here might give you better advice.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How much is enuff for you, or do you just enjoy living in misery???

He has been having his flings all thru your mge---obviously, your love means little to him

Stop begging him, and please stand up for yourself---you need to end this charade of a mge

Do not let him come home---keep him away---and file for your D.,

Everytime he has a fling, you beg him to comeback, after his A., he comes back and then he waits a while, and starts another---this time for whatever reason the A., has ended, since you are the back up, he wants to come home---Your H., is one very large POS------you need to stand up to him, keep him out of your life, and move on.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Throughout all of this have you ever been to MC?

It sounds as if he has been checked out of your marriage for years. I don't think I would let him back, but that's a personal decision for you. I also think you could probably benefit from some counseling for yourself to help you through this difficult time. I'm so sorry, and really sorry that your daughter had to see this side of her father.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Kristy said:


> 4 months ago my H started treating me like he did before he had left the last time so I asked him "are you still talking to her" he smugly and loudly said "YES I AM". He said he had been talking to her again for the last 3 months. We live separately now but he comes home on the weekends and says hes decided he wants to stay married and begs me to let him come home and stay. I don't know what I want anymore. I know this post is very long and I am sorry about that, I hope that you can understand what I have written. I am just writing this to see he anybody has an opinion of what I should do.


Are you sure you are not just his "back up plan" and that he won't do the same to you again? If there is even a tiny doubt in your mind, DON'T take him back!

You have already separated at this point. I see no reason for you to make any changes at this point.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

He tells me that he has never had sex with any of them except cyber I don't know if I believe that or not. He says that If I divorce him he will kill himself because he don't want to live with out me. He said that his thoughts have totally changed since I made him leave, and that he feels totally different this time than he did all the others. That his heart is hurting etc.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Kristy -- sorry, but that's standard boilerplate. Look at actions, not words.

Also, keep in mind, you are not responsible for anyone's else's decision to take their own life. (Not that I think he is serious for a minute, but still -- not your responsibility).


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Kristy said:


> He tells me that he has never had sex with any of them except cyber I don't know if I believe that or not. He says that If I divorce him he will kill himself because he don't want to live with out me. He said that his thoughts have totally changed since I made him leave, and that he feels totally different this time than he did all the others. That his heart is hurting etc.


He says alot of stuff, doesn't he? Sounds like my WS. Cheating is cheating, whether it's an EA or a PA. Is he trying to convince you that because he "claims" he did not sleep with them, it wasn't serious and you should take him back? Did he worry about "living without you" when he was doing all that?

His "thoughts" may or may not have changed, but the big questions is whether his "actions" have changed. Does he go to counseling? Is he willing to accept the reality of what he did to your marriage? It doesn't sound like it if he still maintains that "cybering" is not "cheating".

Do you see any other motivation behind his sudden change of attitude? Is it possible that perhaps he sees that you are doing well without him and it scares him? Did he just get dumped by some OW and doesn't want to be alone? Is he having financial difficulties? 

I'm just not seeing a "light bulb moment" here.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kristy, first you have time. Don't make a hasty decision either way. Don't let him bully you with the threat of suicide. Tell him if he mentions it again you will call 911 and that he needs to head to the nearest E.R.

If you want him back in your life, don't let him move back until he meets some demands.
1. No internet for a year.
2. He goes in for treatment for sex addiction and does not keep his treatment secret.
3. He gives his phone account to you and never ever deletes a thing on his phone.
4. Tell him to get tested for STD's and have him sign a release so you can get the results.


For me this is just a start. I have not had enough coffee to wake up.

Get tested for STD's you don't know for sure what he did or did not do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Let the man just go. He is a serial cheater and doesn't treat you right.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Kristy----you got to remember one thing, EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF A CHEATERS MOUTH IS A LIE, OR A PHRASE TO BE USED IN MANIPULATION.

He says he will kill himself---tell him, he's a big boy, he can make his own decisions---if that is his choice, so be it---but he is hurting his daughter, I dunno maybe not, she caught him once, maybe she has already figured out he is a worthless POS

As to the sex---what's the difference, whether he had sex or not---what he did was to replace you, with another woman, and he has done this repeatedly---He thinks absolutely nothing of his vows---and what he says to you, they are just words, they are nothing but meaningless lies.

If you even want to think about him returning---YOU DEMAND HE GO TO AN IC---fix his problems, and then YOU have a talk with his IC, and see what the IC, recommends. Make sure he goes to an IC, who specifically handles this type of problem, in fact you might wanna interview the IC, before your H., even starts treatment----

Do not allow your H., to make any requests, or demands of you--------keep him at arms length/

At this point DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK---if you do, it will be the same as before, after a while he will be looking for other women, it is just what he is----A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES HIS SPOTS


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey Kristy----you got to remember one thing, EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF A CHEATERS MOUTH IS A LIE, OR A PHRASE TO BE USED IN MANIPULATION.
> 
> He says he will kill himself---tell him, he's a big boy, he can make his own decisions---if that is his choice, so be it---but he is hurting his daughter, I dunno maybe not, she caught him once, maybe she has already figured out he is a worthless POS
> 
> ...


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> He says alot of stuff, doesn't he? Sounds like my WS. Cheating is cheating, whether it's an EA or a PA. Is he trying to convince you that because he "claims" he did not sleep with them, it wasn't serious and you should take him back? Did he worry about "living without you" when he was doing all that?
> 
> I AM WRITING THIS IN CAPITALS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK YOURS FROM MINE. HE SAID HE CAN'T REMEMBER IF HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME OR NOT WHEN HE MOVED OUT HE SAYS HES SURE HE DID. THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING HIM IF YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU SAY YOU DO HOW CAUGHT YOU NOT GIVE ME A THOUGHT.
> 
> ...


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I appreciate everybody that has responded to my post and I think that you are all right, but the thing that I don't understand and have been reading the posts on here for months trying to figure out is. If someone cheats on you how and leaves how could they still love you?
Because in my opinion when they chose someone else over you you are not number 1 anymore you are number 2 and that is not love. Maybe it's just me but I could never do that If I truly loved someone. maybe my thinking is way off I don't know.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Kristy, you have enough on your plate right now without trying to figure out the mysteries of the human heart.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

That's what I'm trying to figure out does he truly love me or is he afraid that if I'm not their for him as I have been the last 26 years that he will be alone for the rest of his life.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I am totally confused when my H has all of his other affairs I forgave him and we moved on I thought even after he left me for the last one, but when I found out that he started having contact with her again It broke me and now I don't know what to do. I know I'm rambling but for some reason I just feel the need to write it all down and see if I can make some sense of it all. Usually I am a person that's knows what they want a very opinionated and emotional strong person but I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel lost.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's okay -- today is a day for rambling and incoherence.

Keep posting and we'll keep listening! We've all been there. xox


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Kristy: All actions have consequences. Some are good consequences, some are bad consequences. As far as I can tell from your postings your husband really hasn't had any bad consequences for his bad behavior, therefore what's his incentive to stop cheating. You have to start making him pay for his bad behavior. If this were my wife, she never would have made it through the second time.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I realize that I never gave him any consequences all the other times but this last time I made him move out. All the years we have been together we had only been away from each other 3 days. This time we have been apart 4 months except on the weekends and the only reason I let him come home on the weekends is he will call and text me nonstop or just sit in my driveway.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Kristy said:


> I am totally confused when my H has all of his other affairs I forgave him and we moved on I thought even after he left me for the last one, but when I found out that he started having contact with her again It broke me and now I don't know what to do. I know I'm rambling but for some reason I just feel the need to write it all down and see if I can make some sense of it all. Usually I am a person that's knows what they want a very opinionated and emotional strong person but I don't feel like that person anymore. I feel lost.


You must be a VERY STRONG emotional person to have lived they way you have for as long as you have. I would not have been able to do it... and now that strength has come to and end and you "feel lost". 

You are in complete control of the consequences that you NEED to occur this time in order for you to regain your strength..... Now comes the hard part deciding what you want, do you keep him or let him go....I would suggest IC to help with this decision. 

After you decide on what you want, your husband has to deal with all the consequences that YOU need in order to feel strong again. Even if you decide that the only way for you to do this is divorce. Do not let his threats sway your decision making.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

he has several ea's.
i would bet the one with the co-worker was pa, at least that one if not more.
you are a week end piece of azz to him.
you are a back up plan.
he is trying to manipulate you with suicide threats.

what in all of this looks good?
he is a pos.

keep him out.
quit having sex with him on week ends, or any time.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

stop talking to him


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am sorry your husband cheated. More than likely he has had a PA if not now then in the past. I am not saying this to hurt you but to prepare you. At this point you have two options as I see it. One take him back and do the 180 and NMMNG. I am sure someone in CWI and post a link. Get divorce papers drawn up ( not to actually go through with it but for your sake. Also this will usually send him a GIANT wake up call.) Allow him back so long as A. NC with any of the OW. 

option 2 get a lawyer file for divorce and move on with your life. 

We can only give advice and clarity. We cannot make the decisions for you. You also need to try and get more information, hacking into email, FB, cell phone records. 

If you want to save this you can't allow his bad behavior anymore.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I just thought I would update since my last post. I bought a polygraph test ( 99.00 amazon ) and it said he was lying about his last EA so I kept pushing him for the truth. Because 4 months ago on D day I told him he had to tell me the truth about everything and he said he would.
Well last night he tells me that he had been lying and started to tell me. I told him to leave and to never contact me again that I was done playing his games.

Well I kinda wish I would have listen to him now to hear all the "truth" but who knows if it would be the truth or not and it wouldn't change anything so it shouldn't matter what the "truth" is just the fact that he has been lying to me is enough.
I hope that what I have written makes since I am just bothered right now because of all the lies for 26 years.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Of course you're bothered by all the lies. forgive yourself and keep posting. It's like therapy to type your thoughts and have others respond.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm hoping it gets easier in time but 26 years is over half my life so right now I'm not really sure what I am going to do gut I know I am not going to take him back because I can't stand the thought of being lied to anymore.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kristy, you are not alone. There are many people on here who have been lied to for their entire marriage. Sham1024 comes to mind, her husband has frequented prostitutes the entire time they've been married and she never knew.

The bitter pill you must swallow is that what he loved most of all was having BOTH you as his security relationship AND his fun on the side. He just couldn't bring himself to do the right thing and divorce you; well, that's because it wouldn't be nearly so much fun to test out and date various women as alternatives to you while he's single. He doesn't want another marriage--he's got one already! This is known as "cake-eating" and he clearly had a perpetual case of it.

The hallmark of people like this is their ability to hide their other side. So don't ever beat yourself up. Of course you feel foolish and stupid, but that just shows that you're a good, trusting person. He is the one who could never open up and just be himself. You probably don't know the "real" him at all, but that's his fault--he never showed it to you.

You should be so proud of yourself for standing up to him.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I agree Iheartlife but you think after numerous EA that I would have figured out that I didn't know him at all and I just realized that after the last one. So It does make me to put it in a nice way not a very smart person. I thought we had a bond and that we would be together for the rest of our lifes. I thought he loved me with all his heart. How wrong I was?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Kristy said:


> I agree Iheartlife but you think after numerous EA that I would have figured out that I didn't know him at all and I just realized that after the last one. So It does make me to put it in a nice way not a very smart person. I thought we had a bond and that we would be together for the rest of our lifes. I thought he loved me with all his heart. How wrong I was?


*STOP* blaming *YOURSELF*!

It's NOT you!

It's *HIM*!

He's a POS cheater.

Work on yourself first, and over time you'll find you deserve 
BETTER than wondering why this POS H of yours doesn't love
you like you deserve to be loved.

In short: Tell him to go get f*cked.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

Thank You cantthinkstraight that's pretty much what I told him almost exactly those same words and to be honest it felt good at the time.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kristy said:


> Thank You cantthinkstraight that's pretty much what I told him almost exactly those same words and to be honest it felt good at the time.


That's because it's the TRUTH and you are an HONEST person who speaks from the heart. He was never capable of that. Pity him for being such a self-centered, shallow person, because he will never know true love. He threw it away with both hands.

Be careful, though. I suspect (again just arm-chair guess) that he's a narcissist, and they really hate rejection. They are charmers who will do what they need to in order to get you back in their clutches. You played a role in his life, just not the role you wanted to play. Don't be surprised if he attempts to rope you back in so he can use you some more.


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## struggling.again (Jul 5, 2012)

Hello Kristy. I just found this site today and your post was the first one I read. I know you said you are done with your marriage but there is a book that I think would help you heal.

It is called Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I was married for 16 years when my ex decided to leave because of another woman. We stayed married for 4 more years (living apart) before filing for divorce. This book helped me learn to do for myself while going through all that. Honestly, I think everyone should read this book. 

I am dealing with issues now with my boyfriend and have pulled the book back out. I posted on here about my problems at the moment. 

Good luck with everything.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

iheartlife I believe you are totally right he has been trying to rope me back in for the last 4 months and I told him last night that I am tired of playing his games and that I will not play them any more.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What kind of contact are you keeping with him? If you have kids, I'd limit the communications to texting or emails (no voice calls) and keep the discussions strictly about finances, kids, property, very factual stuff.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I don't plan on having any contact with him right now, we have children but they are all grown up and out of the house.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Kristy said:


> That's what I'm trying to figure out does he truly love me or is he afraid that if I'm not their for him as I have been the last 26 years that he will be alone for the rest of his life.


No Kristy, He doesn't love you. 

He is just too comfortable with you. Now he is afraid that he would be missing that comfort zone. 

And that future loneliness part is also true.

I am sorry Kristy - there are many loyal men who want a faithful wife like you - but you found this cheater. 

If you can't leave him permanently, at least give him such a shock that he wouldn't dare to cheat on you even in his dreams (And don't forget, you need to take care of your heart also  ).


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Kristy said:


> I appreciate everybody that has responded to my post and I think that you are all right, but the thing that I don't understand and have been reading the posts on here for months trying to figure out is. If someone cheats on you how and leaves how could they still love you?
> Because in my opinion when they chose someone else over you you are not number 1 anymore you are number 2 and that is not love. Maybe it's just me but I could never do that If I truly loved someone. maybe my thinking is way off I don't know.


So why do you keep letting him come back?


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm not sure to be honest my head tells me I'm crazy for ever having anything to do with him all the other times but my heart always says he's your soul mate and I loved him. I realize that I can't keep listening to my heart because nothing ever changes my life keeps repeating. So this time I am going to try to end it for good, I say try because nothing in life is guaranteed.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Keep up the good work Kristy and trust me you will want you use your head not your heart right now. Eventually your heart will catch up to your head and you can move on.


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## struggling.again (Jul 5, 2012)

What you need to do is get a life and work on you. That is how I got over my marriage ending. It is hard at first but it does work. When you stay busy then it keeps your mind off all your troubles. You finally start having such a good time that you don't worry about anything else. It takes awhile but it works. 

This will also show him that you are a different person. It shows him you are moving on. I thought my ex was my soul mate also but I learned he wasn't. I'm not saying it will make you forget about him because it won't. But in the process of living for you, you will see there is more to life out there than your husband. You don't want him the way he is. He may even notice a change in you and decide he wants to be with you. He may even stop the affairs. I do know of a few couples who have been thru this and they are back with their spouses. It is a long road but they are happy again.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There is no such thing as soulmates, Kristy. It's true that we don't reach a deeper connection with everyone, but that doesn't mean that there is only one person "meant" for each of us.

And I will tell you this, IF there were such a thing as a soulmate, he wouldn't qualify in any way. A soulmate would intuitively love you to the core and would never lie to you. And they'd never even dream of hurting you the way he has.

Be your own soulmate. Spend some time getting to know yourself, as cantthinkstraight said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I just want to give an update. H has been calling and texting nonstop since the last time I post. He tells me now that he has come totally clean that everything is out in the open no more lies ever again. I pointed out that what you have told me for the last 26 years.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Are you going to give in, or hold the line?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I will give another update I found out my husband is a sex addict he was diagnosed by his councelor and has cheated on me since we first got married. I am in counceling and it does'nt seem to help me much I am still devastated and don't know what to do any advise would help me.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

I am still separated from my husband, we still talk and text and he comes over maybe once a week and we usually argue and then he leaves. He is suppose to do the Recovery nation (it is a workshop on a website that is suppose to help a sex addict change), he is still lying to me every time he does something that makes him look bad or with a sexual nature. I don't want this marriage or any part of it but I just keep letting him rope me in with texting and talking to me, I know that everything he says and does is just a part of a game he is playing. I would like some advise on how I can force myself to not allow him to keep playing this game with me. I have turned my cell phone off for a few minutes and then turn it right back on, I don't know what is wrong with me that I keep allow this abuse (I do know it is abuse). I am just rambling I hope if I write it down it will help me to stop dealing with him because I do know that I don't want any part of him anymore but am I lying to myself by saying that cause if that is true why do I still talk to him. Well I think its official I am crazy, I think he has drove me there but I would like to get out of the car lol. By the way my counselor tells me I am normal but I don't feel so normal. Any advise please.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

He says he has totally come clean this time again this weekend. I told him that this will be my last time of playing his games and I truly mean it this time A person can only take so much. This time he told me of some more of the things that he did in his past and the things he has been doing in the last year one of which is trying to get a 18 year old child to want to have sex with him, that don't sound like a person who is trying to stop! I think I am using this for a journal or something but every time I post a new post I look back at the things I wrote before it is working to get it through my thick head.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Kristy said:


> I told him that this will be my last time of playing his games and I truly mean it this time


How many times have you said this to him and yourself? Imo,it sounds like you have some fears.

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.Out of a fear of the unknown,they prefer suffering that is familiar"-Thich Nat Hanh-Buddhist Monk

This may not be the case in your situation,but it's maybe something to consider.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It's okay and I am glad to see that you aren't backing down. Your WH is a serial cheater and if he is going after 18 year olds that could be a dangerous trend. Have you ever looked over his computer or anything else for child porn. I only ask because of the comment you made about the 18 year old. I hope he his illness hasn't progressed that far. If you have found anything please report it to the proper authorities.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Oh Kristy,

I wish you would stop letting him abuse you! Do you have any friends who you talk to about this? Don't worry about exposing him and don't be embarrassed. This is all on him, and you need a lifeline.

I really hope you don't fall for him again - and again - and again. You need to LIVE life for you. It's time indeed!

Here are some ideas:

1. Change your phone number and DO NOT share it with him. Your kids are grown up so you do not need to talk to him for any reason.

2. Block him on any other accounts.

3. Try to do more things outside of home so that he doesn't find you there. Or if you are home, keep the door locked and do not let him in. Just don't. No matter how much he cries. You need to protect yourself.

4. If you have the financial means, I would moving far from him. Unless you have amazing friends and family where you are. In that case, perhaps you could move into an apartment. 

These are just some ideas. Ultimately it is your choice, and I know right now the main hurdle is for you to be prepared mentally to enact such changes. Best of luck. My heart goes out to you.


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## Kristy (Jun 25, 2012)

could him again Tuesday stalking a woman he is never going to quit, and trying to get women to notice him by staring at them. I have cut off all contact now, the only thing I feel like saying is thank god its over finally.


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