# Marriage Turnaround



## Jemal Jelil (Dec 3, 2008)

Hi, everyone.

I've got a question for you guys, cuz I've seen many failed marriages where the wife loses interest in her husband.

Have any of you ever had your wife lose interest in you, to the point where she's not even sure she wants to stay in the marriage?

What did you do? What did you go through?

Anyone manage to turn it around?

I was in that situation way back. I think my situation was different from others', and I'm curious what other husbands have gone through.

Thanks.

Jemal.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay, i'll bite. what was your situation?


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Jemal Jelil said:


> Have any of you ever had your wife lose interest in you, to the point where she's not even sure she wants to stay in the marriage?


Yup. I'd been made redundant from a full time job just before I met my wife. I took a part time, but permanent job (which was supposed to become full time after 4 months, but never did).
It pays fairly well for a part time job, and I earn more in 20 hours than some of my friends in full time work, but the job is going nowhere. 
My wife lost a lot of respect in me for staying in that job, and talked to me as if I was unemployed and not supporting the family.
I have applied for plenty of jobs, and had some interviews, but she thinks I don't look hard enough.
Well, I won't take a job that pays LESS than my current job for more hours, unless it's an entry into a better career path.
I did some night courses and started my own business but it was going really slowly for about a year, and now is showing some results, but not sure how sustainable it is in current economic climate.
Anyhow, the wife's anxiety, and my wounded pride as a 'breadwinner' (she reminds me how she makes more money than me) means that it's almost impossible to have a conversation about money without it becoming a major argument.
So she lost all this respect in me, and I stopped talking about my efforts to find work, and stayed up late at night, either e-mail potential clients or working on stuff, or learning more about my industry. And sometimes, just listening to music online to clear my head.
All the while, things were starting to fall apart under the surface for both of us.
Seething anger at me was building in my wife, she felt neglected and starved of affection (somewhat true, but also some of it was through a filter of anger that forgot the affection I did give, even if not often enough. I just didn't like myself much for being a 'failure' and found it hard to be affectionate at times.)
My anger was at myself and the world, rather than at her, although I was resentful that she didn't appreciate the efforts I put in, even if the results weren't great. 

Things came to a head this year, I've posted details elsewhere.
Anyhow, trying to make it work now. Lots of talking, which isn't easy cos we're both very defensive.

Hoping it works out, cos we both love each other.


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## Jemal Jelil (Dec 3, 2008)

Me, I actually was at a stage a few years back where my wife and I didn't like each other at all. I definitely didn't like her. We were just going through the motions.

We were on the verge of ending it, and I was happy with that. But I decided to give it one more shot (not so much for my sake as for the sake of doing the right thing). So I decided to let go of my resentment of her and stopped "keeping score," etc.

The hardest thing for me at that stage was to be loving toward her, because I hated her. But I knew all she really wanted was my love. So I decided to write her a love song.

I sang it to her, and she melted. We built things from there.

We've had other incidents that have almost broken our marriage, and continue to have them, but we're still pulling through.

We've been married for about 12 1/2 years now.

I talk more about it elsewhere.

Treadingcarefully, I'm wishing you the best. That's tough. Respectability is a huge factor in a woman's being able to be drawn to you. It's hard for a woman to be in love with a man she doesn't respect.

The problem, also, is that you've lost respect for yourself. That's devastating. It's hard for us men to respect ourselves when we're not supporting our family.

Something for you to think about: Is there anything else about you that defines your respectability?

Jemal.

www.JustHusbands.com


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## Jemal Jelil (Dec 3, 2008)

Good for you, voivod. I respect your attitude.

Not sure how well I'd maintain a good attitude if I were separated.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my marriage is a roller coaster, in that, i dont know who my wife will be at any given time. sometimes she is loving and sexual (not often enough) and sometimes she seems highly stressed (unapproachable) and cranky, like elvira gulch on the wizard of oz. sometimes i think she is bi-polar. 

we just came off an unusual week of loving intimacy, this morning i was trying to keep the momentum going and it was like the antartic in my house. *****y and cold, i have no idea why. i have been trying really hard and this just sets me back. i lose a little more interest everytime it goes backwards.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I would say it is hard to stay in a marriage if either partner has lost "respect" for the other. I know love is supposed to be unconditional, but the harsh reality is that it is not. We all have roles that we are supposed to play in a relationship, most typically provider or nurturer. My experience has been that if either partner deviates too far from the "script" there are disruptions to the harmony of the union. There are reasons lawyers are involved with divorce. The simplest being that a marriage is essentially a contract. I would like to believe that it is a sacred contract, that is why clergy is involved as well, but is a contract nonetheless. With that in mind, if you want to "turn your relationship around", simply go back to your earlier "business practices". I know, really romantic right? Still, "court her", or go to court with her. The choice is yours.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Treadingcarefully,

You story is so similar to mine in so many ways. It is scary. How is it going now. I haven't read your posts. Are you in the same house or seperated? Just like to know.


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## Jemal Jelil (Dec 3, 2008)

Feelingalone,

I'm pretty new around here; I don't know your story.

Did you post it somewhere around here?

Thanks.

Jemal.

www.JustHusbands.com


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