# Long story, how can/should i reconcile my mistakes



## Randal (Oct 28, 2012)

I gave he an ultimatum to do what I demanded (get a job, file her taxes, talk to a counselor) or she might as well move out of the house. I should not be surprised and I certainly deserve it, however, despite my attempt to manipulate her. She moved out. She moved in with her ex fiancé from 14 years ago.

I fell in love with my wife 4 years ago. We were both recently divorced and possibly on a rebound, however. We did and do love each other. She has two children from two different men, one from college and the other from her 4 year marriage. I’ve lived with and loved these children as my own without question and they are the have made me the proudest of any of my accomplishments in life to see them become well behaved, respectful children.

I only mention the two different fathers because, though I’ve never mentioned this to her, I think this has had an impact on the way I treated her. I have not had much respect for her. She quite college and moved back home with her parents, she moved out of her parents when she got married almost just to get out of there I think. She divorced him and got her own place with his very large childsupport payments. This is the time that I met her 4 years ago. We dated for over a year and life was wonderful for the most part. Then her Ex Husband lost his job, bankruptcy the whole nine yards and she no longer received child support and was going to have to move back in with her parents. This is when our life changed. I had just bought a brand new house right before we met. It only made sense for her to move in with me, I loved her I loved her kids, I wanted to live together. However, this is when I began taking advantage of her. As I look back I can see it very clearly, I took a perspective that I was doing her a favor instead of seeing that this made me happy. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and always felt like I was being taken advantage of. This only got worse. After she moved in, She felt very ashamed and wanted to be married, I was not ready or comfortable, because I didn’t see much ambition in her, I didn’t see her wanting to finish her Degree, Get a different Job, I had difficulty seeing what our future could be and I let this consume me rather than just enjoy being with her. I told her I loved her but wasn’t comfortable getting married. This was a very difficult year of living together and we did go ring shopping. She found a perfect ring and the next day I went right back and bought it. I didn’t tell her this and kept it for over a month, I did want to be married to her I was just opposed to it because of my reservations. Finally after a month of a lot of arguments about her feeling like I didn’t love her, during an argument I gave her her ring and asked her to marry me. I meant it, but like a fool I didn’t make this special for her and was very selfish of me. She has never complained about that, but I know I robbed her of joy by doing it the way I did and once I heard someone ask her how I proposed and she answered with a very general “in our bedroom” and that breaks my heart now. Sorry I digress. We did not set a date for marriage because I was still uncertain of how I felt, we argued about this constantly, but my stance was that I wasn’t ready, I had reservations and I knew i wanted to be completely and totally ready for it. I always knew the potential was there, but I couldn’t get there, probably becauss of my own mental hangups with dealing with my emotions and trust and other stuff I’m not qualified to self diagnose, but have read quite a deal about. I am very conscious about money after my first divorce left me in debt that I only recently climbed out of. I finally told her I wanted to atleast have her rings paid off before we got married. I thought it would take years to pay off the ring, but was able to do it on just over a year by making some sacrifices in other areas of my life. We still did not set a date and things were getting stressful. Finally her parents dropped her off of their insurance. Her parents are well aware that my job has great family insurance and is a lot more affordable than the preimium they were paying to keep he rand the two kids on their plan. Now I’m in a similar situation to her moving in with me. I know I want to marry her and yes it only makes sense for her and the kids t o be on my insurance, so we were married at the courthouse on a wednsesday morning before work. Again I know this robber her of joy, however she has never complained about it and has only been graceful when describing this to others. The week we got married I learned that I would be leaving for work for a 16 month project. Its been 14 months and we have argued constantly since I’ve left. I have been very cruel to her about every thing going on back home that I cannot change or basically control. I’ve become very controlling and downright verbally abusive in the way I’ve demanded things of her. I knew I was being a jerk while all of this was happening but I did not control myself, I always seemed to justify my actions and words and hurt I caused her by any means necessary. I asked her to take care of some stuff while I was gone because 3 months after I get home I have to move out of the state. I’ve told her that if she doesn’t get these things done I can’t trust her to move with me and she is better off staying here with her family like she did after her first divorce. I threatened her with divorce almost weekly. Two weeks before I was scheduled to go home I told her is he didn’t get these things done she might as well be out of “MY HOUSE” before I get home. As wrong and manipulative as this is, I never expected her to leave, I didn’t think she could even do it, I thought she was totally dependent on me and I thought this would make her do what I demanded.
Well to make a long story long. I got what I deserve. She didn’t anwer my phone calls and emails and now that I’m on my way home, I’ve learned that she got her things and moved her and the kids out of the house. I’ve talked to her a few time on the phone and she has moved two hours away in with her ex from 14 years ago. This was her HighSchool Sweetheart and they were engaged in college. I’ve never met him but she kept a lot of momentos from their time together and It always botherd me that she kept his drivers license from highschool in her car. But again I digress. She moved the kids into his house (he is recently divorced last year) and they are going to school down there. Since I’ve talked to her, she has told me that he is doing her a favor, she has always made friends easily with men than women, he is like a brother to her, they have not had sex and that that is the last thing on her mind.

I am obviously in shock, this have devastated me. (my first marriage ended because my wife had an affair and that was terrible, and probably caused me to distrust women and led to my not wanting to get married again) but this is truly devastating to me. I’ve never felt this upset before and didn’t know it was possible. Yes I’m concerned that they may have slept together and being a guy I know I would pounce on an opportunity to let a smoking hot single mother move in with me when her ******* ex told her to get out of his house.

But I’m not as upset about the possibility of them having slept together as the fact that I have been so cruel to her, and that I’ve caused her to do this. I don’t want to admit it, but she did exactly what I told her to do.

I have since apologized to her, I’ve tried to convey how guilty I feel and that I whish I never would have caused this. I did tell her that I want her back and I never wanted her to leave tha iv’e acted foolishly and that I realize that I am very controlling (again she has never pointed this out to me, she has always let me run over her and she has continued to love me despite this). I’ve asked her to move back in with me and she said she is scared and that she has been broken into a million pieces and she needs time to heal. She has been cold to me and she has not told me she loves me, just ensured me that she has and always will love me. I have only seen her twice during the 16 months I’ve been gone the most rescent was about 4 moths ago. I’ll be returning home in two days and I’ve told her that there is nothing more I want than to be with her. I’ve told her I understand that she did what I told her to do and that I have no say in what she does its up to her, but I wanted her to know that “I’m not okay” with her living with another man for what its worth. I’ve sent a lot of emails about taking stock in my life and what I want in my future and tried to explain my emotions and that I’ve treated her unfairly and that I want to treat her right and I want her and the kids to move with me in three months when I have to go to another state for my job. She is a very loving person. She has told me she needs me to be patient if this is ever going to work. She went back to my house and made a bed for me, bought some groceries and bought some paper plates for me. I told her I wanted nothing more than to see her and the kids at the airport when I got home, but she insists that the kids need some stability in their lives and they should be in school. She took my car to the airport and dropped it off so I had a way to get home and told me where to pick it up and even put some cash in the glovebox so I could get out of airport parking.

I am devastated right now and probably not thinking clearly. Here are some of my crazy ideas right now unfiltered, and look for some advice I think, or maybe I will just be angry when someone tells me the truth that I don’t want to hear.

I want her out of this guys house. I can’t tell if I should be hurt by this or not I’t is my fault that she moved out. I feel that she did make the decision to move in with another man especially someone that she was intimate with, I’m concerned that that could be a very familiar feeling and though she is an honest person and told me they have not slept together, I’m afraid that my untrusting or iability to get over this in the future even if she does come back will deteriate ourmarriage down the road. I don’t know if I should have to concede to this if they did sleep together, is this justifiable punishment for my foolishness.

Im afraid that I’m so broken right now that maybe I’m just being desperate and that my love and remorse that I feel right now may be defensive in nature and maybe I’m just feeling like I’ve lost something that once was mine and I wan’t it back at all cost, even lying to myself that I’m okay with this AND ofcourse there are things about our marriage that are still underlying issues. I don’t know if I’m seeing the big picture right now and that these things really never were that important, or I’m just fooling myself and want an immediate “feel better” and I don’t want to set some sort of precedence by apologizing to such an extent that she has a free pass to do whatever she wants n the future and this can be unfairly used against me. The key is Unfairly used as a weapon because I don’t pretent id never happened and it is my fault, I recognize that.

Next, this had made me realize that I am an angry person, and I have been for years, I didn’t realize it until I started reading so much about it lately and the characteristics of angry man describe me perfectly. I knew something was wrong with me that I was so aggravated by little things at work and I knew I needed to change something for awhile, but I didn’t actually realize that I could ruin my life if I didn’t change. I say this now and I’m sure it seems cliché and a lot of losers say they’ll change and never do. I hope that I’m different. I need to change whether she comes back to me or not.

Because I’m a controlling person this is how I think. I cannot control the situation right now, it is her decision to come back to me. In an attempt to control the situation (I did not tell her this) I feel like if she does not move out of the guys house that I need to file for a divorce as soon as I get home, then I can justify it or something, even though I only want to be married to her and have a future with her. I want her to meet me at the airport, but her leaving my car (as loving as she did it) makes me have little hope. Though I could not be man enough to tell her over the past 16 months, the only thing I’ve wanted was to come home to her and the kids and I’ve somehow expressed that by being mean and controlling and manipulative. Its very troubling to see how I’ve created all these problems in my life. I did this over the course of years and now that its come back to me, I somehow fantasize that it can be fixed over night.

I cannot get my wife to tell me what she wants, she is avoiding talking to me and telling me how I feel. I don’t know if I’m making the worst out of the situation, I know I tend to be pessimistic and focus on the negativity. But what consumes me is that she may love me and she may come back to m someday in the future, but I can’t stand that she may be “hedging her bets” and riding out this living with another guy as some sort of long fantasy to see if it works. Though I’ve treated her like she was not important, I don’t like feeling like I’m not most important to her. And I can’t decide if this is different and unfair or equal punishment that I deserve for taking her for granted.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow that is a long post!

Is there a simple question in there?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

They are ex's for a reason, its just a matter of time before she starts fishing for you again and comes crawling back.

If it was me your wife told you all you need to know when she made the choice to leave.

Its funny what folks will fight for and when they just give up and take the easy way out when given a choice.


I can tell you folks respect and apreciate things more when they have to fight for them.

Your wife could have told you that she will fight for her marriage and do what ever she has to do to stay with you, but instead she just bailed. That in its self says it all.

Good job, sorry it hurts so damb much but you called and she folded. Now go find a women thats worth the fight and can fight back when the going gets tough.



Sorry brother your chick is broken....hell even after the ultimadum she could have left to be on her own....instead she found an ex to be with.

Your with a chick that values her self by the man she has instead of valuing her self for her self.


There are emotionally healthier women out there....to bad you love this one.


----------



## Randal (Oct 28, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I dont know what exactly i wanted out of sharing this. But im greatful for your opinion. Ill certainly keep an open mind, thanks again man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

