# Do I stay or Do I go?!



## troubleinparadise (Dec 8, 2008)

I just moved along way from my family to be with my husband who is currently active duty in the military.. I love him to death, I mean I wouldn't have moved all the way across the country 3,500 miles to be exact if I didn't have such amazing expectations for this marriage.. However, lately I find that my husband has a HUGE childish side, such as.. it's okay for him to make jokes and be sarcastic but the moment I do so back, he gets bent out of shape and automatically thinks I'm being serious. Which is totally not the case, except a few times, when I found the things he was saying was over the top and exceeded just playing around anymore.. So I guess where to start with the questions.. Firstly, when we fight and it becomes a BIG FIGHT the first thing he does is threatens me and tells me to go back home and that he doesn't care. To me, this seems quite childish and quite out of control.. I don't think he understands that it actually does take a toll like I can only take SO much.. Like I told my friend, it's like having a bowl and one goldfish in it, you can only put so many goldfish inside until it starts to spill everywhere and make a mess and eventually hurt some of the goldfish.. I don't want a mess, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I guess I just don't know what to do, I talked to his Mom and she has said what a stubborn attitude he has, but I also don't think that he should be able to get away with treating me the way he does and then putting all the blame on his attitude problem.. I guess I've just lost it, I don't want to go home, I love him with all my heart and everything I am but I also don't want to wake up and have to worry about being hurt that day.. I don't really know anymore.. Help is the best thing now, anyone who has gone through this, or who possibly needs extra information about my situation to help me out.. Let me know, I just need some guidance..

-troubleinparadise


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

How long have you been married? Known each other? 

Do you both COMMUNICATE? That's crucial. You both need to able able to sit and talk about everything.


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## troubleinparadise (Dec 8, 2008)

dcrim said:


> How long have you been married? Known each other?
> 
> Do you both COMMUNICATE? That's crucial. You both need to able able to sit and talk about everything.



We have been married almost 7 months now, and have known eachother almost 2 years.. 

we communicate.. 
its' just we seem to communicate at the wrong times..
like when EVERYTHING comes out and we are soooo
angry!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

troubleinparadise said:


> I just moved along way from my family to be with my husband who is currently active duty in the military.. I love him to death, I mean I wouldn't have moved all the way across the country 3,500 miles to be exact if I didn't have such amazing expectations for this marriage..


This has a lot to do with the fighting. I moved away from family, friends, and job to be with my H. When things started falling apart, the implications were a lot heavier then just the relationship falling apart. The fighting takes on a twice the emotional energy b/c of this. 



troubleinparadise said:


> it's okay for him to make jokes and be sarcastic but the moment I do so back, he gets bent out of shape and automatically thinks I'm being serious. Which is totally not the case, except a few times, when I found the things he was saying was over the top and exceeded just playing around anymore..


Why do you get sarcastic back? is it to give him a taste of his own medicine? A better approach would be to communicate immediately how you feel when he is sarcastic. Here is an example from a boundaries webpage:
___________________________________________________

From Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self :

It is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.
___________________________________________________

I have found that setting a reasonable consequence for negative behavior is the most important part of this equation, and it takes some time and patience with oneself to develop that skill. You dont want to set a boundary, or consequence, out of vengence or to try and control his behavior. But simply because you do not want to be hurt anymore. Boundary setting is a compassionate effort towards your own emotional well-being, and not a vindictive attempt to control another's behavior. 



troubleinparadise said:


> Firstly, when we fight and it becomes a BIG FIGHT the first thing he does is threatens me and tells me to go back home and that he doesn't care.


He is fighting to be in control. He's obviously extremely scared that you are going to leave and he doesn't want to be emotional vulnerable to the pain of that actually happening. He will have to suffer the estrangement of your love for this. I also threatened my H countless times in this manner. Now that im maturing somewhat, i can see the pain it has caused him and I'm having to rebuild his trust.


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## dtorres (Jan 8, 2009)

Hi... Im also married to a military and for startes I'll tell you its not an easy to be a military wife or husband.....
My husband didn't want me to go with him to the states because most of his time he was in Iraq and yet I wanted to go but I chose to stay in Puerto Rico (my hometown)

I'll tell you this... when we love somebody, we do anything to be with them and to give them support, to love them and care for them... 

TRY, TO DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING WITHIN REASONABLE ARRANGEMENTS TO LOOK FOR THE BALANCE IN YOUR OWN LIFE SO YOU CAN COMPLIMENT IT WITH YOUR HUSBAND'S BALANCE

When you say HURT.. is it physically asd well as emotionally???

do you know that VA (veterans affairs) has a hotline number to call so you can recieve help so your marriage goes better... where are you stationed? 

I would like to talk to you more about this.. I think we can help eachother since are husbands are military we do understand some consequences but not all of them...


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