# Does it matter if OM/OW was married or single?



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

From a couples discussion group at church: Is it twice as egregious if the cheating spouse has an affair with a person they know to be lawfully married? Or is it just as bad? Consensus among are group was it doesn't matter, it's just as bad either way.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well if you have two people that are married to different people, participating in sexual infidelity with each other. You have two people, who are highly likely to be breaking marital vows.

Whereas if only one of the people participating in sexual infidelity, where only one of them is married. You've only got one person, who is highly likely to be breaking breaking marital vows.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

I don't see how an affair would be somehow worse because both participants are married. The exception being the potential for two destroyed families if children are involved. However, if the OM/OW is friends with the BS, or related to them in some way, that would make things MUCH worse, IMO.

I have ended a friendship because she had an affair with our mutual friend, and she was friends with his wife. I am also friends with the wife, and could not stand being around the OW after what she did. The worst part was that she didn't think what she did was wrong because they were both willing participants. The logic of some people astounds me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Majdeath,

I'm not sure where you are going with this thread...honestly in the end does it even matter, it reminds me of the old joke where a guy walks up to a beautiful woman in the bar and ask her is she would sleep with him for a million dollars...she turns to him and said "yes"....then he response "well then would you sleep with me for $50?" ...she get upset and says "no, absolutely not, what kind of girl do you think i am?" he response "oh we've already established that, now we are just arguing about price"

in the end does it matter if they cheated with a married person or a single person ...they cheated! after that its just rhetoric and leverage.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am of the opinion that it does matter if you are trying to reconcile. If the OM/OW is also married its less likely that that they would be viable plan A. Also having had an unmarried mistress before, if you do try and reconcile its likely they will do everything they can to sabotage it, because if they can't have you, why should anyone else?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> I am of the opinion that it does matter if you are trying to reconcile. If the OM/OW is also married its less likely that that they would be viable plan A. Also having had an unmarried mistress before, if you do try and reconcile its likely they will do everything they can to sabotage it, because if they can't have you, why should anyone else?


This is a terrible reason to reconcile though,just because your wayward partner can’t have the affair partner she settles for you.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> This is a terrible reason to reconcile though,just because your wayward partner can’t have the affair partner she settles for you.


It is indeed an awful reason. But its a reality for many. If their WS's OM/OW were available they wouldn't be trying to reconcile with the BS. You see it on these boards all the time. People fighting for someone that is obsessed wit their AP. Exposing often removes the AP as a threat if they are married. Ultimately its up to the BS to decide if they want to forgive or not. Once the WS gets there head out of the clouds some people feel its worth a shot.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Ed3n said:


> I don't see how an affair would be somehow worse because both participants are married. The exception being the potential for two destroyed families if children are involved. However, if the OM/OW is friends with the BS, or related to them in some way, that would make things MUCH worse, IMO.
> 
> I have ended a friendship because she had an affair with our mutual friend, and she was friends with his wife. I am also friends with the wife, and could not stand being around the OW after what she did. The worst part was that she didn't think what she did was wrong because they were both willing participants. The logic of some people astounds me.


Well if all four were in agreement, then it would be swinging.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Personal said:


> Well if you have two people that are married to different people, participating in sexual infidelity with each other. You have two people, who are highly likely to be breaking marital vows.
> 
> Whereas if only one of the people participating in sexual infidelity, where only one of them is married. You've only got one person, who is highly likely to be breaking breaking marital vows.


While the other is merely selfish, homewrecking scum.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> I am of the opinion that it does matter if you are trying to reconcile. If the OM/OW is also married its less likely that that they would be viable plan A. Also having had an unmarried mistress before, if you do try and reconcile its likely they will do everything they can to sabotage it, because if they can't have you, why should anyone else?


We never thought about that angle, but I guess it does make sense.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheating is still cheating ~ and deception is still deception, regardless of marital status!

Marital status does not offer justification!

Only their unconscionable deception and greed, raging hormones, oxytocins, and engorged genitalia!*


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

The point isn't whether the OM/OW is available. It's that the WS isn't. 

I do think that an uncommitted OW/H is less in the wrong than a married one. They're not breaking a vow to anyone. That doesn't make them good. Just not quite as bad? 
Maybe its some kind of weird algebraic, morality sum.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Mizzbak said:


> The point isn't whether the OM/OW is available. It's that the WS isn't.
> 
> I do think that an uncommitted OW/H is less in the wrong than a married one. They're not breaking a vow to anyone. That doesn't make them good. Just not quite as bad?
> Maybe its some kind of weird algebraic, morality sum.


Nah, they are pretty much on the same level, in the fellow man humankind sort of sense. But a lot of them tell themselves that they aren't so bad since all they did was wreck ANOTHER family and not their own.

"I didn't kill my sister, I just killed a stranger."


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

My husband betrayed his marriage vows to me. The OW betrayed her marriage vows to her husband.

Yeah, I don't think she's any great shakes as a human being. And I have a reasonable sense of what her husband thinks about mine. But infidelity is about breaking a promise ... a commitment. And she never made one to me.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Edmund said:


> Well if all four were in agreement, then it would be swinging.


If all four were in agreement, then it wouldn't be cheating.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> From a couples discussion group at church: Is it twice as egregious if the cheating spouse has an affair with a person they know to be lawfully married? Or is it just as bad? Consensus among are group was it doesn't matter, it's just as bad either way.


What the heck kind of church do you go to??? Some of the things y'all talk about....


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

We could just sit around and read the bible, but then no one under 40 would come.
Our pastor and deacons believe that we should reach out to others and provide something they can use (and not just salvation). So we have classes on finances, personal relationships, child behavior, etc. This group is for young couples under 35 and believe it or not some thought cheating with a single person wasn't so bad.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ed3n said:


> The worst part was that she didn't think what she did was wrong because they were both willing participants. The logic of some people astounds me.


A lot of people believe that married partners still have 100% complete individual agency. Why get married then?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> We could just sit around and read the bible, but then no one under 40 would come.
> Our pastor and deacons believe that we should reach out to others and provide something they can use (and not just salvation). So we have classes on finances, personal relationships, child behavior, etc. This group is for young couples under 35 and *believe it or not some thought cheating with a single person wasn't so bad.*


these are people who have yet to invest in a relationship.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> A lot of people believe that married partners still have 100% complete individual agency. Why get married then?


In her case, it is a character flaw. When she was married, she cheated. Yet, she expects her man to treat her like a queen, be faithful, and be at her beck and call. Her Ex was a sweet, although naive, man that she divorced because she was bored after 2 years, and had been cheating on him the entire time (everyone knew, including him, and it just made him try harder to make her happy). 

She then starts openly seeing the man she had been cheating with while she was married, who is also married. His wife agreed to their affair, in the hope of being a throuple. My (ex) friend kept leading her on so that she could continue sleeping with the husband.

Basically, her life was so trashy, and drama filled it made soap operas seem tame. You would think she was one of the sweetest people you'd ever met, until she got comfortable, and her true personality came out. 

The mutual friend she cheated with is very religious, and his wife still has no idea what he did. He stopped being friends with the woman, so at least he did one smart thing.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

If one is talking scriptural context only; not current cultural norm; and no deception is involved, it only matters if the woman is married or betrothed. From strongs lexicon 5003.

If speaking of current cultural norm it's all the same.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This is a terrible reason to reconcile though,just because your wayward partner can’t have the affair partner she settles for you.


It's amazing how many BS's are more than desperately willing to settle for a cheating spouse who clearly is only there for the kids OR because they didn't stand a chance of having a future with their affair partner.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> You see it on these boards all the time. People fighting for someone that is obsessed wit their AP.


BS's have a way of deluding themselves about that, though. They fervently believe that their cheater is in the "fog," and that the cheater actually *doesn't* have any feelings for their affair partner. They're just "foggy" is all. 

Even when the affair has been going on long-term, they _still _self-delude and blame it on a magical _*fog.*_ They believe once the cheater "comes out of the fog," they'll realize they have _no_ feelings at all for their OW/OM and it was ALL a bad dream and they'll realize how much they love their spouse.

I guess whatever helps you through the night...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> From a couples discussion group at church: Is it twice as egregious if the cheating spouse has an affair with a person they know to be lawfully married? Or is it just as bad? Consensus among are group was it doesn't matter, it's just as bad either way.


Just worse fallout, affecting two families instead of one.

It is also polite to send condolences to the OM's widow so that is another consideration.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> From a couples discussion group at church: Is it twice as egregious if the cheating spouse has an affair with a person they know to be lawfully married? Or is it just as bad? Consensus among are group was it doesn't matter, it's just as bad either way.


Its just as bad in that its still cheating, but of course at least only one family were destroyed and not two, so in that way its not quite as terrible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> We could just sit around and read the bible, but then no one under 40 would come.
> Our pastor and deacons believe that we should reach out to others and provide something they can use (and not just salvation). So we have classes on finances, personal relationships, child behavior, etc. This group is for young couples under 35 and believe it or not some thought cheating with a single person wasn't so bad.


Its good when churches discuss how our faith relates to things like this. We are all living in the world after all.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

It does not matter at all. An affair is an affair. If he/she is having it with whoever, chances are when they get caught they will end it but they will soon be have other affairs.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

65% say it makes no difference, just as bad. I suppose if the OM/OW were single and didn't know the WS was married (like in a ONS situation) then they would be blameless (other than a possible moral judgment for jumping in the sack so quickly).


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

In non-liberal Christian denominations all sexual intercourse outside of marriage is sin. Traditionally, whether one or both are married doesn't matter. Yet, many current denominations try to soft-soap the matter.
In a slightly off topic matter, I was once told that a homosexual dalliance occurred within view of the alter in the National Cathedral.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> We could just sit around and read the bible, but then no one under 40 would come.
> Our pastor and deacons believe that we should reach out to others and provide something they can use (and not just salvation). So we have classes on finances, personal relationships, child behavior, etc. This group is for young couples under 35 and believe it or not some thought cheating with a single person wasn't so bad.


Under 35 is the "Me" generation.


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