# worth waiting for?



## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

*is there anything worth waiting for?*

right, i'll try keep it short. my wifes father died 3 years ago, she says that i didn't support her like i should and whilst i see know that i could have done better, at the time i had no idea what i was doing. he was a good friend of mine, obviously nothing like loosing a father but i still felt close to him as i have been with my wife for 13 years. i was working away and felt huge amounts of pressure and i guess i just "got on with it"? i have never lost anyone that close and i admit that i could have handled it differently for my wifes sake. but appoligise is all i can do, i can never take it back....

a year or so later i find that she is no longer attracted to me, loves me like a brother and doesnt know what she wants anymore. then comes my loss, i was heart broken. a couple months later we move back to our home town purely to make her happy. i repeatedly do things to make her happy but i dont really think she thinks this was a big deal for me. i hate this place so much, never wanted to be here and am now travelling 800km once a week to or from work. but its is what she wanted so i gave in.

since being back for the last 18 months or so things have turned to absolute ****. she started going out ALOT with "friends" which by chance only go out on their pay week (dole, wellfare bludgers) which is the week that i work...(week on/ week off) the majority of them are guys and a couple are ex- boyfriends from highschool. never interested in going out when i'm home and made a real effort to keep me away. after i started asking why she wasnt this "party all night girl" with me anymore and why she refused to try to have fun with me, we had a few parties at home where they would come over. BUT then, i would get ignored the whole time and around midnight or so when they all wanted to go out, i would get ditched at home with the kids while she went out to party.... usually until daylight or so.

i can tell ya, its not nice hearing "dont worry bro, we'll look after her" from some guy you hardly know! anyhow, starting to rant.

she kept this up for 14 months (till january) even though she knew it was killing me. she lied about where she was, what time she came home, who was there, anything else you can imagine. even lied about lies, she obviously didnt plan them too well because she is quite easy to catch out. i would text her and go crazy as i think most men would but i doubt she would see it from my side. 

i know that there has been advances made on her although she has only addmitted to one. i have read emails, etc and there is in my opinion pleny of things to worry about but she thinks she is doin nothing wrong. one guy that said" ive drunk a bottle of scotch and now i'm horny, do you have a web cam? another guy that she flirts like crazy with and he likes to call her sweetie. which i think is really wrong and she thinks is fine. cause he is just such a nice guy and "just a friend". 

well in january after (by this time see knows i'll see the emails) recieving our mobile phone bill and seeing 744 messages sent from her phone (no idea who too) i had the bill itemised and in febuary there was a handfull of messages at a time to 2 different guys, 90% when i was away at work. and thats not counting hours of chat on facebook etc etc. i have seen this guy (sweetie) out and watched his body language, he usually sits back in the shadows and i have cought him looking. also watched him whispering in her ear while he thought i couldn't see. i confronted her with the bill and she replied in her usual "angry that i dont trust her" manner. but then said that she would delete them from her phone and facebook.

she deletes phone calls and messages from her phone, deletes emails and all that and goes off at me that she has nothing to hide???? a week later she was goin to deliver a invite to her birthday to sweetie guy and i said no. she was all upset and said she feels bad for him.. blah blah blah.

the start of march i see the phone bill and see about 5 messages from web cam guy 3 from an ex and 2 from sweetie guy. i know the 3 from the ex was asking if she was going out that night and one on valintines day to say "happy valintines day" <<<< (not happy!) the others were conviniently deleted. she came to me to explain, only cause she knew id see the numbers, and said that web cam guy made another very inappropriate text/s, and she told him to never contact her again??? sweetie guys was the one that interested me though as he is the one that she spends alot of the time in which she is lying about. he text her saying (according to her) "i miss seeing you on facebook, this sux!" she says then that she asked who it was cause she no longer has the number in her phone and he replied "dont worry about it"

to me i see that is exactly what i think it is. he has been putting in the hard yards and trying to get her into bed and i would say that even though she thinks she has done nothing wrong she has been flirty enough to make him think he is making progress.

anyway. she says all the usual, "i love you but i'm not in love with you" , " i just dont feel that good about me" etc etc. we havent had sex since christmas and all up last year i could count it on one hand. which is the main reason for my extreme lack of confidence and instability over this period.

we are in MC but she says that nothing is changing and she has no need for sex with me as she feels a huge amount of resentment towards from her fathers death and my actions. 


i cook, clean, father the kids and basically do everything that a good husband should do and she doesnt seam to want to make any effort atm, just watches as i fail in my attemps to make her happy and be close to her??? she told me that she will never be able to satisfy me and i should find someone who will..

i love this girl and i always will. if there was any light in the tunnel and i knew where i stood i wouldn't mind waiting untill then. but i really dont think she loves me like i need her too and i doubt she ever will, and i dont want to grow old and bitter together, i want to grow old and be happy together.

she says that she will try to get help on her own outside of the MC to sort out her feelings... is there any relationship left?


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

i should also add that, for a while a worked with a women that i got along with very well, and whilst i was away i would talk to her about what was goin on with us. i (like most men) dont really talk about this stuff with other men and i was looking for a womens perspective more than anything. i told my wife about some of our conversations and she told me that she was not happy about our relationship. without question or my wife having to ask i told my friend that our relationship was causing even more difficulty and that i couldn't talk with her anymore. end of story. we had no attatchment to each other so it wasnt a big deal. she did however help me alot at times, but she said good luck and that was that. my wifes friends soon after convinced her that i was sleeping with the girl and i was a controlling hypocryte etc etc. and i have copped my share of abuse from them too. i'm not a perfect husband but i do put in 100% and i have never cheated on my wife, physically or emotionally... and i could have if i wanted to!


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

It looks very of iffy to me. I managed to salvage a marriage that had some of those sign's but not quite as bad. You need to figure out how long you are willing to wait for her to sort out her feelings and how long for to to commit or leave. You also need to figure out if you can live with the likelihood that she has cheated on you.

One thing I see is that you need to quit being such a doormat. Not only is that putting the whole burden of running the household on you, it is killing the physical attraction. She can't be attracted to a man that is putting up with this stuff. Take a look at the Man up and nice guy sticky. There's some good stuff there.

I wish you good luck on whatever you decide.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Did someone mention this?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

We're here to discuss all the links with you.

I'll bet you see yourself in these threads.


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

yes, i'm the doormat. and the too nice guy. ive been reading here a while. thanks for the comments guys. i dont think she would cheat (physically) but i would be supprised that with all the goings on that it hasn't at least almost gottin to the point where something has happened. apparently, according to her girlfriend she is the first one at the bar having shots and is quite often saying she doesnt remember big chunks of the night. NOT someone she is around me in the last 10 years or so.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Also read my sad story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21806-ea-already-moving-towards-pa.html

Sound similar but not exactly the same. Don't be surprised how quickly your wife will "check out" of the relationship. My wife went from wondering what was wrong with "us" to a full blown EA in a matter of a couple of weeks. Then she told me about it! Luckily I stopped it cold. It might be time to go into spying mode to gather evidence. I watched my wife's potential affair unfold in front of my eyes, then having to deal with her anger at me for "denying" her the happiness she was having after I blew it up, to the resentment of years of neglect on my part (takes two to tango so there is plenty of blame to go around), to where we are now which is kind of a limbo state while she gets her brain wrapped around her future. MC told me that it might takes months for her to come to a conclusion. I wish I kicked her out of the house when I found the affair it might've force her into a decision sooner about us. My wife doesn't have those toxic friends that can feed the fire, but your wife sounds like she does.

It's time to start pushing her out the door and make a decision about your future together...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MisterNiceGuy said:


> Don't be surprised how quickly your wife will "check out" of the relationship.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dayhiker 
It looks very of iffy to me.

-------------------------------------------------

MNG: How quickly she WILL check out? She's gone. Said so, Acts so.

Dayhiker: Iffy? Are you kidding me? I would have gone hunting humans with a shotgun 6 months ago. 

I don't know how he is surviving this. This is bad. Please don't let him think otherwise. HIGHLY innapropriate behavior on her part. I don't think many SINGLE girls w.h.o.r.e around like she does.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Does she work?

If not, then at this point, looks like you're simply a gravy train for her so that she can run around while you support her.

You may LOVE her, but her behavior shows she doesn't love YOU.

I say hit the road.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Ah, the "r" word. A woman's get of jail free card. Seriously, you know what's happening. Figure out how much you're willing to put up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

so true kobo. although i'm starting to feel a fair slice of it myself. anyway, thanks for the comments! dont feel quite as insane right now. 

last night my wife came to bed, told me she has read this thread, and appoligised for the way she has been. says she has never cheated and never will. understands where i'm coming from, and agrees to make more of an effort on us....... i, as you no-doubt would expect, said i want to forget about the whole lot and move forward. which i do....

anyway, this thread is now useless as is "sadguy". i'm guessing she knew my user name cause i deleted the thread outta the history? either way, appreciate the input.... no more sadguy.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry Sadguy, but they don't make American movies (always a happy ending) out of real relationships. 3 years she hasn't loved you, ran around like a tramp for the past 18 months, wiped her feet on your pride and soul all that time, rubbing her little boyfriends in your face. Suddenly she realizes you're on to her, she makes ONE mea culpa and you think it's over?

Good luck man.

And what is the "r word"?


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

MisterNiceGuy said:


> Also read my sad story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21806-ea-already-moving-towards-pa.html
> 
> Sound similar but not exactly the same. Don't be surprised how quickly your wife will "check out" of the relationship. My wife went from wondering what was wrong with "us" to a full blown EA in a matter of a couple of weeks. Then she told me about it! Luckily I stopped it cold. It might be time to go into spying mode to gather evidence. I watched my wife's potential affair unfold in front of my eyes, then having to deal with her anger at me for "denying" her the happiness she was having after I blew it up, to the resentment of years of neglect on my part (takes two to tango so there is plenty of blame to go around), to where we are now which is kind of a limbo state while she gets her brain wrapped around her future. MC told me that it might takes months for her to come to a conclusion. I wish I kicked her out of the house when I found the affair it might've force her into a decision sooner about us. My wife doesn't have those toxic friends that can feed the fire, but your wife sounds like she does.
> 
> It's time to start pushing her out the door and make a decision about your future together...


i read your thread as it was unfolding.. i can certainly feel for ya man, i have been feeling that type of anxiety for 18 months. your right about the toxic friends, none of them be anymore than "polite" anymore because they all have taken her side through this and have obviously swallowed the version they were given??? whatever, hope you have some light at the end of you tunnel!


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

MrK said:


> Sorry Sadguy, but they don't make American movies (always a happy ending) out of real relationships. 3 years she hasn't loved you, ran around like a tramp for the past 18 months, wiped her feet on your pride and soul all that time, rubbing her little boyfriends in your face. Suddenly she realizes you're on to her, she makes ONE mea culpa and you think it's over?
> 
> Good luck man.
> 
> And what is the "r word"?


resentment i assumed? yer i hear what your saying, and what you just wrote is pretty much what i originally posted but a hell of alot shorter and blunter. i dont think that it will be all roses from here on because we have been here before, in the next few days she will have talks with her girlfriends and they will conclude that im just a controlling jelious ******* and have no reason to be............but if she means any of it then that may be my light? anywho, sadguy is off here for good cause i have to drive to work and wife will without a doubt in the world be reading this later today.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Mrs. Sadguy. Can we hear your side of the story?


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

If I were to answer the question that is the title of you post I would have to say:

)#*& NO!

Dude, I look at what you posted and you act just as I would have about 2 years ago before I found my testicles after losing them for many years. I read posts like this and I start to shake because I want to slap the crap out of you in hopes of opening your eyes.

If my wife were acting like this, she would have been out on her ass before month 1 of the 14 month stint happened. Can you even comprehend the amount of disrespect I'm reading in your post? Not only from your wife but from yourself. 

Let me ask you this. If you had acted like your wife is acting, how many days until you were looking at divorce papers?

There were two books that literally changed my life. 

1) No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

and

2) When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel Smith

Get them, read them, and get control of your life.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

I 2nd No More Mr. Nice Guy from Glover.


742 texts>>?<< I've been with my woman for a little over 3 years, and don't have 747 texts.... This is not an emotional affair, this is a physical affair, and your wife is bull****ting, and gaslighting you. You need to set a limit, and tell her to kiss your c***. "You want this piece of s***? Fine, but you wont have me." ...


There is NO excuse to accept the intolerable, and this, clearly, IS intolerable. Set your plans in motion, see a divorce lawyer (I don't care if you want to work stuff out, you need to do this for you, find out where you stand, and start moving in that direction). If she gets the hint, and comes around, maybe you can *choose* to work with her, maybe you wont, but this is clearly BS on her part, and shouldn't be tolerated. Until she knows it has consequences, you are just a check, and a doormat. I don't like to be harsh, but in this case ...I can't say it any other way.


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

Anooniemouse said:


> I 2nd No More Mr. Nice Guy from Glover.
> 
> 
> 742 texts>>?<< I've been with my woman for a little over 3 years, and don't have 747 texts.... This is not an emotional affair, this is a physical affair, and your wife is bull****ting, and gaslighting you. You need to set a limit, and tell her to kiss your c***. "You want this piece of s***? Fine, but you wont have me." ...
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SadGuy, I say give your wife a chance. If you love her and she wants to change things, she can. I would love the wives of these "nice guys" to get online and speak up. No doubt there are two sides to every story. My only concern for you is wanting to sweep it under the carpet and not continue to face, embrace and recognize the issues that have led to where you are now. Change takes constant reminders and effort. Sometimes we are willing to forget and then feel letdown when the same problems recur.

Just as we have AC the voice of feminine reason among many women, we need a man that also is not afraid to speak up and recognize that support, when completely one sided and based upon male perception, is no doubt short sighted.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

MrK said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Dayhiker
> It looks very of iffy to me.
> 
> ...


Finally a person on this website with a pair of testicles. Most of the men here deserve their plight for allowing this ridiculous behavior get as bad as it gets on this site. "its IFFY?" IFFY!? shes blatantly disrespectful in the worst way possible: regarding other men. Get rid of these women as SOON as they start with the "other guy" stuff. GONE FOREVER. no counseling, no talking it out, no 180, just disappear and be done with it. Imagine if the entire population of men who had this happen followed this advice. It would be unheard of for women to act this way because they would all be out in the cold on their own. You men allow it, which is why they do it and will continue to do it. So will your wives and girlfriends because your bark isn't even scary, and you have no bite whatsoever to speak of. She's already had sex with other men (of course, you don't realize that yet, but those of us who aren't beta males anymore know already) and you're here talking about flirting? You deserve the next few years of disrespect and heartache and eventually divorce that takes you to the cleaners and moves your arch rival into your home. Stop trying to save spoiled milk and throw it out with the rest of the trash. Start fresh. The end.

Ronin


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## randycollins (Apr 5, 2011)

Hi sadguy!

Indeed you have a very sad story. I see it as a very lonely relationship for you and I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife to clear things out. In my case, I wait for the lovely lady from a Philippine bride site but, that was a different story and we are happy now.


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