# I am so Ashamed!



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Hi Everyone!
I just joined today. I *really* need advice about my marriage. 

I am 42 and my H is 43. We actually lived together for 5 years btw 1995-2000. We had begun to argue about where our relationship was going because he didn't want to get married and I was ready to get married and start a family. When I caught him cheating on me, I left him.

I had only ever had 1 serious boyfriend before I met my H, so when I left him back in 2000 and began dating again, those were some of the best days of my life. I had several serious relationships and focused on my career. Truth be told, I became a workaholic and (in retrospect) my career was detrimental to my relationships at that time.

In 2010, out of the blue, I got a call from him (my current Husband who I will refer to from now on as"Karl"). He told me that his girlfriend of 9 years had died a couple of months before from a heart attack and that it had made him realize how badly he had treated me and want to apologize. At first I felt uncertain but eventually I agreed to meet him for dinner. Over the course of the next few months, we developed what I thought was a wonderful relationship. I had recently been diagnoised with Degenerative Joint Disease, but having been a workaholic for so many years I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, pleanty of money in the bank) and because of this I had gone back to school so I could work in a field that didn't require me being on my feet all the time. He said that money wasn't an object and that he didn't want me to work anyway. It didn't take long before he asked me to marry him, and (against the advice of my friends and family) I agreed.

What has happened since is so humiliating that I cannot bring myself to tell anyone, not even my mother or sister. On the outside we have the type of life that most people dream about, but on the inside I feel like I am dying a slow death.

Three months after we got married something happened that lead me to believe that he wasn't being totally honest with me about his past. His parents came to visit. Karl had told me that his girlfriend who died had been the best influence on his life and had, ultimately, been the reason for him re-evaluating our relationship and his cheating...but his mother painted a VERY different picture. She told me that Jenny (the dead girlfriend) had been a serious drug addict that cheated on Karl numerous times, stole from him numerous times(!), and died from a drug overdose!!! Well, naturally I was frantic! So, rather than risk Karl lying to me about it, I called the coroner's office and after telling her who I was she asked me to come into her office and talk to her....which is how I found out my husband was under investigation for her murder (bc she overdosed on HIS medication; he was later cleared) AND that Jenny was HIV+ at the time of her death!!!

When I got back home, I waited for my husband to get off work and I was rolling in emotion. I took a Valium and had a glass of wine, but when he got home and ADMITTED to me that yes he IS HIV+ and (according to him) had been "working on a way to tell me"(!) I completely lost control and slapped him several times.

The next couple of weeks were some of the lowest in my life. I had to go and get tested to see if he and infected me (which I have NEVER had any kind of STD; thankfully I am negetive!) and at that time my car was in the shop and I had no way to leave him, but I told him that I wanted our marriage annulled. I felt so ashamed! I couldn't bring myself to tell my family or any of my friends, so I moved into our spare bedroom. During all of this, my husband was beside himself, doing anything and everything to keep me from leaving him. He *begged* me to go see a marriage counselor with him, and I (in an effort to bide my time so I could save money to leave) agreed. 

For the next year or so, everything he did, he did to please me. On Vaentine's Day, he suprised me with a candy apple red 1992 Jaguar XJS "just becaus". On my birthday, he gave me a matched set of blue diamond earrings, ring, and necklace. He was loving and kind and oh SO SO SORRY....

....Until he wasn't sorry anymore. He doesn't give me the time of day now. If I say the sky is blue he will literally argue that it is actually a grey and I just don't understand color. He explodes at me over the simplest things, last night we ran out of steak sauce and when I told him he screamed, "Fxxx You! You are Worthless! Why don't you get a job? You are a Violent Alcoholic! You Fxxxing Cxxt!".

To clarify, when he calls me an alcoholic, he is referring to the day I slapped him. I *very* rarely drink because of the medication I take for my joint problems. I have had 3 glasses of wine in the last 6 months! I really believe that he calls me that ("Violent Alcoholic") because he knows that he is the one in the wrong and my slapping him that time is the only thing he can think of that I have done to "wrong" him.

The counseler we have been seeing has straight-up told me that my husband has anger problems and an inability to empathize. He said that, though he couldn't be certain without personality tests, he believes my husband suffers from "Narsacistic Personality Disorder". I looked it up, and it does seem to fit him pretty well.

I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to tell my family what all has happend. My Daddy would drive all the way up here and try to kill him or something. But what do I do??? 

Thank you for reading throught my novella of a post,
Evie


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Leave this motherf*cker now. What's there to question? He is being investigated for murder, HIV+ and never told you, verbally & emotionally abusive.....there is nothing there to stay for.

Don't be ashamed....you did nothing wrong. You believed him & took a leap of faith. Now undo the BS that he has put you through. Go see a lawyer NOW.

(((hugs))) I can't imagine what you are going through.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You've got to get out, or suffer a life of misery.

We all make mistakes. Sometimes real bad ones, especially when it comes to love. We don't associate the words 'love' and 'fool' for nothing. Songs and poems about it go back centuries and decades. I've done it. Paid for it dearly. Don't beat yourself up.

Just find a way to get out.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

JustTired said:


> Leave this motherf*cker now. What's there to question? He is being investigated for murder, HIV+ and never told you, verbally & emotionally abusive.....there is nothing there to stay for.
> 
> Don't be ashamed....you did nothing wrong. You believed him & took a leap of faith. Now undo the BS that he has put you through. Go see a lawyer NOW.
> 
> (((hugs))) I can't imagine what you are going through.


I guess that is what I am asking about: how do you go about divorcing someone? I know I need a lawyer, but my husband tells me all the time "I'll lose it all before I see you take it from me". He says that if I try to divorce him he will quit his job and stop paying for my insurance and let the house go into forclosure. He says that he won't let me have the dog we got together, that she is his. How can I divorce him without ending up in the streets?
~Evie


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You get a lawyer and tell them all this. They can usually obtain court orders to enforce the status quo for the time being. Obviously, say and do nothing to your husband until after those are in place.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

This is one of the worst stories I've ever encountered. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Go to a lawyer TODAY. Get informed. You are scared and I understand that. Knowing your rights and what to expect will be helpful. Most will give you a free consultation.

Please go see a lawyer today. Don't hesitate.

I have to ask-are you still having sex with this man??!

Your whole marriage is based on HUGE lies. I'm so sorry.

ETA: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! I hope you can get the strength to tell your family. They love you and will support you. You need support to get through this.

Oh-and don't believe a word that comes from your H's mouth. He has no clue what he is talking about. But when you get a lawyer and get informed, YOU will know that he's full of sh*t. He's using scare tactics because that's all he has. He knows nothing.He's calling your bluff.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The guy knew he was HIV+ and concealed that fact while having sex with you. In my mind, that's attempted murder. That's about as low as humans can get while still retaining human status. Anyone capable of that is capable of any other possible evil. Nothing he could buy or say, no amount of family cajoling could keep me from leaving that guy. I would consider it a matter of personal survival. This guy was dishonest back when you used to date him and it appears he has graduated from mere dishonesty to lethal treachery, complete devotion to selfishness, and complete disregard for the well-being of all other humans. His last partner is worm food under very suspicious circumstances and he begins his relationship with you by knowingly, deliberately, and secretly exposing you to HIV. Whether or not he actually murdered his ex girlfriend, we have very clearly established that he possesses the requisite criminal mind to murder. Very few humans are walking around with that level of evil between their ears. In classic sociopath style, he turned his evil around and accused you of being violent because you slapped him. Get out. Get out, now. I would not only divorce him but I would run to the District Attorney's office and have him charged with criminal transmission of HIV. CDC - HIV-Specific Criminal Laws -State Laws - HIV and the Law - Policies and Programs - HIV/AIDS


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> The guy knew he was HIV+ and concealed that fact while having sex with you. In my mind, that's attempted murder.


I was going to come back and edit my response with this thought, as well, but I've already edited twice and . . . oh gosh I could go no and on. What a travesty this is.

And OP, at first blush, I think your divorce would be easy peasy. Your marriage was based on fraud. I'm not saying you necessarily want to, but I think you'd clean up in the divorce. And rightfully so.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Thank you all for your posts, they have helped me look at things from a different perspective and have been very helpful. I called a lawyer friend and got a referral to a divorce lawyer and will be going in for a consultation on Wednesday. I will update you guys when I find out what the lawyer says.
Thank you all again,
Evie


----------



## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

There is more than just divorce that you need to think about.

The first is to get yourself out of there quickly. He sounds like a dangerous person and you need to get to safety.

The second is to start healing yourself from all of this. 

The third is to protect yourself financially.

And then there is the issue of divorce.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You are not shameful. You are BLESSED because you are healthy!

Now, get yourself to safety.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good about getting the appointment with a lawyer.

Do not tell him that you are planning to leave him. It sounds like he might be dangerous. With his anger issues, you have no idea how he would react.

You need to start job hunting now so that you can support yourself. 

Plan to move out at a time when he's at work so that you know you have a clear window of time.

You said that you had saved up a lot of money and had paid your house off. What happened to all that? 

Do you have access to money? A joint account maybe? Your own accounts?

If you do not have a bank account in your own name, then get one and start putting money in it. Small dribbles right now if you have to.

When you talk to the lawyer, also ask that they do an emergency hearing to get interim spousal support established. That is the support you get until the divorce is over. This way you will have some money.

And it's now time to talk to your family and get their help.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I echo everyone else. Please be safe. God bless.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have been having sex with him again, stop it. And get tested for HIV again.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, pleanty of money in the bank)".

What happened to these assets?


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> "I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, pleanty of money in the bank)".
> 
> What happened to these assets?


When we bought our house together I sold my other house and we used the money as a down payment. The money I had saved has slowly drained away. He makes good money ($130,000/year) but if I needed anything he always said I had to pay for it myself. Now my savings are gone...
Evie


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If you have been having sex with him again, stop it. And get tested for HIV again.


That's another weird thing, ever since I found out he issued HIV+ he doesn't even TRY to have sex with me. I honestly don't understand why he wants me to stay, I am often told that I am very attractive, but he could care less about sex. It doesnt make sense to me that he is so worried about me leaving when he acts like hearing my voice pains him. I feel like I am a hated step-sister and not at all like a wife.
Evie


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Go see a lawyer & explain EVERYTHING....from your husband being investigated for murder, his HIV+ status & never disclosing that to you (he could be prosecuted for that depending on local laws)....just tell the lawyer everything. The lawyer will inform you of all of your rights. If you live in a community property state.....your husband has no say so you will get half by LAW.

I would even go as far as contacting the police to see if you can press charges on him for not disclosing his HIV+ status. This man truly has no idea how much leverage you actually have. Hell, YOU don't know that you have the upper hand!

Don't be scared of him, he should be scared of YOU.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> ...but having been a workaholic for so many years I had my finances in order (house paid for, car paid for, *pleanty of money in the bank*) and because of this I had gone back to school so I could work in a field that didn't require me being on my feet all the time. He said that money wasn't an object and that he didn't want me to work anyway. It didn't take long before he asked me to marry him, and (against the advice of my friends and family) I agreed....
> 
> ...*I called the coroner's office and after telling her who I was she asked me to come into her office and talk to her*....which is how I found out my husband was under investigation for her murder (bc she overdosed on HIS medication; he was later cleared) AND that Jenny was HIV+ at the time of her death!!!...
> 
> ...



There's a lot of disjointed things in your post that don't make any sense.

If you had a paid off car and plenty of money in the bank, why did you later have "no way to leave him" just because your car was in the shop? You couldn't call a taxi and go to a hotel?

And where is he getting all this money to buy you cars and jewelry? If he has money and you don't, why didn't you take some of his money for a taxi and a hotel, or hawk the jewelry?

Also I don't really get how or why the coroner could talk to you, a non-family member, about the details of the ex-girlfriend's death? I realize it was probably all public record, but I don't think it is a good idea for someone at a public office to discuss these details with you.

I'm just confused.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd take at least half of whatever the devious peckerwood owns and have the court order him to carry hefty life insurance on himself with me as the beneficiary. You may be negative for HIV today but turn up positive later. You may require expensive treatment in the future and though he would be responsible he may not be here to get it from.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne said:


> When we bought our house together I sold my other house and we used the money as a down payment. The money I had saved has slowly drained away. He makes good money ($130,000/year) but if I needed anything he always said I had to pay for it myself. Now my savings are gone...
> Evie


It would be helpful to know what state you live in so that we could give you input that fits your state's laws.

You can still argue that the money you put into the house is our sole property. So you would get that back. What would be split is the equity that has accrued since you married. You have been married a very short time so there probably is no, to little, additional equity.

Also, if you cannot make the payments, for a sale of the house NOW. You can sell it long before it would go into foreclosure even if your H pulls something stupid like quit his job. 

Talk to your lawyer about all this.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Eyvonne said:


> That's another weird thing, ever since I found out he issued HIV+ he doesn't even TRY to have sex with me. I honestly don't understand why he wants me to stay, I am often told that I am very attractive, but he could care less about sex. It doesnt make sense to me that he is so worried about me leaving when he acts like hearing my voice pains him. I feel like I am a hated step-sister and not at all like a wife.
> Evie


He probably has sense enough to know you're the victim of his felonious conduct. He'd probably prefer to deal with you as a wife than hear you testify against him in criminal and/or civil court. It may have crossed his pea brain that deliberately exposing you to HIV might make the authorities reconsider his level of responsibility in this other woman's death. You have him by his HIV infected testicles. Besides, if he's a sociopath, having sex with you is less important than manipulating you. He's deliberately exposed you to HIV. You know that and you're still wearing his ring and driving his Jag. That's got to feel like the ultimate power trip. He has wronged you every way from Sunday and you are still there...not because you're bound and gagged in the basement, but because he has convince you to stay of your own will. That's huge power and a sociopath gets off on power and control. He cheats on you, repeatedly lies to you, tried to give you a death sentence (and may have succeeded) and not only are you still there, he's got all his family working on his behalf, too. They have to know what he is and they are still urging you to stay.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It would be helpful to know what state you live in so that we could give you input that fits your state's laws.
> 
> You can still argue that the money you put into the house is our sole property. So you would get that back. What would be split is the equity that has accrued since you married. You have been married a very short time so there probably is no, to little, additional equity.
> 
> ...


We live in Charleston SC. 
One of the above posters was asking about why I don't have money now when I did before (I guess they didn't read my follow up post), but my DJD has progressed to the point that I am unable to work and my husband makes too much for me to get disability (I tried). The people at the disability office said I wouldn't be eligible for disability until after I became divorced for a year.
Yes, I can sell my jewelry and the Jaguar (I already planned on selling the Jaguar), but I don't want to have to leave with nothing...
Evie


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't believe even half of this story.

So many disconnects and insane statements.

He lied about being HIV+ (which is a serious crime where I live btw) and all he had to do to reel you back in was buy a Jaguar?!! Didn't you have all your finances in order with plenty of money in the bank?!!

He treated you wonderfully yet you wanted to leave, but now he treats you like crap and you can't leave? 

Nope...not buying it. Sorry.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> He probably has sense enough to know you're the victim of his felonious conduct. He'd probably prefer to deal with you as a wife than hear you testify against him in criminal and/or civil court. It may have crossed his pea brain that deliberately exposing you to HIV might make the authorities reconsider his level of responsibility in this other woman's death. You have him by his HIV infected testicles. Besides, if he's a sociopath, having sex with you is less important than manipulating you. He's deliberately exposed you to HIV. You know that and you're still wearing his ring and driving his Jag. That's got to feel like the ultimate power trip. He has wronged you every way from Sunday and you are still there...not because you're bound and gagged in the basement, but because he has convince you to stay of your own will. That's huge power and a sociopath gets off on power and control. He cheats on you, repeatedly lies to you, tried to give you a death sentence (and may have succeeded) and not only are you still there, he's got all his family working on his behalf, too. They have to know what he is and they are still urging you to stay.


Your right about his family, I made the mistake of calling his mother. After she told me about what really happened with him and Jenny I thought she was looking out for me. Boy was I wrong, as soon as she hung up the phone from our conversation she called him and told him that I was trying to "drag her into our problems". 
I am also starting to think your correct in your assessment of him as a sociopath. He never wanted me to work, he doesn't want me to have friends, and he doesn't like me talking to my family (I think he is afraid I will tell them about the HIV). 
Evie


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

synthetic said:


> I don't believe even half of this story.
> 
> So many disconnects and insane statements.
> 
> ...


Then don't. I don't care what you "buy" or not. 
Evie


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Source: State-by-State:Â HIV Laws



> S.C. Code Ann. § 44-29-145
> Felony (punishable by a fine of not more than $5000 or imprisonment for not more than 10 years)
> It is unlawful for a person who knows he or she is infected with HIV to: (1) knowingly engage in sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal, or oral) with another person without first informing that person of his HIV infection; (2) knowingly commit an act of prostitution with another person; (3) knowingly sell or donate blood, blood products, semen, tissue, organs, or other body fluids; (4) forcibly engage in sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal or oral) without the consent of the other person, including one's legal spouse; or (5) knowingly share with another person a hypodermic needle/syringe without first informing that person that the needle or syringe has been used by someone infected with HIV.
> 
> ...


Evie,

Call the police ASAP & make a report against your husband. He broke the law by engaging in sexual activity with you knowing his status.

South Carolina is not a community property state, but it doesn't mean you don't have any rights. You used the proceeds from the sale of your house to purchase the new one, he can buy you out then.

Have you filed for disability benefits through Social Security Administration? If you need more info on that, you can PM me. Not SSI (that is a federal welfare program) but actual Title II disability benefits.

Take your power back, woman!!! Your husband has scared you into place by making you believe that he is all you have. You know why he uses scare tactics on you? Because in all reality it is YOU that can actually bring him down.

So what's your plan?


----------



## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

Evie, a good lawyer will help you become financially stable in the divorce. You need to stop feeling ashamed and start feeling aggressive. Get your finances secured and then start focussing on building yourself up. There are better men out there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne said:


> We live in Charleston SC.
> One of the above posters was asking about why I don't have money now when I did before (I guess they didn't read my follow up post), but my DJD has progressed to the point that I am unable to work and my husband makes too much for me to get disability (I tried). The people at the disability office said I wouldn't be eligible for disability until after I became divorced for a year.
> 
> Yes, I can sell my jewelry and the Jaguar (I already planned on selling the Jaguar), but I don't want to have to leave with nothing...
> Evie


You do not need to leave with nothing.

I'm going to suggest that you do what I did. Find a safe place to move things to and a safe address. What I did was to rent a storage space and a mail box. If you have family you will let you store things at their place and use their address, this is good too.

Start moving all of your valuables to that safe place. That way they are secure. Change your address on all your mail to that safe address. Never, ever have anything on you or in your home that identifies that you have a safe address and safe place.

I used to go pick up my mail at the po box and go right to the storage place. Open it and read it there. My storage space as in indoor, 5x5 room so that I could stay there working on things. I left all mail at the storage place.

Get copies of very bit of financial and legal paperwork you can find in your house and put it in the safe place. This way if he tries to hide things you have the info to give to your lawyer.

Talk to your lawyer about getting some kind of legal proof that he was investigated for murder. Just because he was not prosecuted does not mean that he did not kill her. They just could not find enough evidence to prosecute him, that's all.

What was her drug of choice? What proof besides his family and his word do you have that she was a drug addict? Why would she down a bunch of his pills if they were not her drug of choice? Something is off.

I am wondering if between her death, his not telling you about his HIV and his erratic angry behavior of you can get a court order and restraining order to get him out of your home NOW.

Find a way to get away from him, whether you move out or he does because of a restraining order. Put the house up for sale.

You can ask the court for interim spousal support. You can also go and see about getting food stamps and other public assistance.

Talk to your lawyer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SC is an equitable distribution state. That means that marital property is divided according to what the court believes is equitable. Since you are disabled, you could end up with more than 50%. This is especially true if he has a lot of sole property.. money and assets that he acquired outside the marriage. 

You should also end up with the amount of your sole property that you put down on the house.

You lawyer will be able to help you.

South Carolina Divorce: Dividing Property | DivorceNet.com


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Contact a local women's advocacy group. They will likely have resources and know exactly what to do to get you out of the marriage safely and with some assets preserved.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would not mention a word about divorce or separation to him until I was out of the house and in a safe place. If he exposed you to a deadly virus just to avoid a little embarrassment, what would he do to avoid prison, to keep his HIV secret, or to avoid the loss of property? You may want to hunt down the detective who worked the death investigation of his former girlfriend. I doubt he was a murder suspect just because his name was on a pill bottle. Not having enough admissible evidence to prove someone guilty beyond a reasonable doubt iI'd be curious to know how many other women he's had unprotected sex with since he learned he was HIV positive.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He's HIV+ and you haven't left him?? I would question your sanity.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> He's HIV+ and you haven't left him?? I would question your sanity.


I question my sanity, and that is part of the problem! Who will believe me...? I dismissed a poster earlier who said he didn't believe me, but I am now taking a bath so I can climb down stairs and take a pic of my Jaguar to post, so I can show him that I am NOT lying.
Because that is the thing: people will ask "Then why did you stay?" and that isn't something that is easy to answer. 
Why did I stay? There IS more to it than me wanting to leave and just not being able. I doubt any man would understand and there are quite a few women who wouldn't understand either.
Imagine meeting the PERFECT mate and getting married. You have sold off your home and moved over 900 miles away from your friends and family. Then, out of the blue, you find out that your "perfect mate" has done something AWFUL. At first all you can think about is wanting to leave, but you can't leave right away. Your too embarrassed to tell your friends (the ones who told you not to,get back with him because he cheated on you in the first place), and it is doublely so telling your family. Then as the week's roll by, he is SO sorry, and he wants to go to therapy, and he is still the person who you thought was perfect...So you start believing that he can be that "perfect" guy again...
Even now, knowing it isn't going to change, I don't WANT to leave him (yeah, super sick, ik). I know that since he is a retired Marine and works for the DOD, that if I DO tell law enforcement what he did then he will not only loose his job, but it will leave him completely unemployable in his field. He will be sitting around talking to someone one day saying, "that Bxxch ruined my life" and that "Bxxch" will be me.
There is (always) so much more to everyone's story than anyone else will ever know, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. 
The reason I said I was ashamed wasn't because he has HIV, or even because he could have given it to me. I am ashamed because I stayed.
Evie


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> I question my sanity, and that is part of the problem! Who will believe me...? I dismissed a poster earlier who said he didn't believe me, but I am now taking a bath so I can climb down stairs and take a pic of my Jaguar to post, so I can show him that I am NOT lying.
> Because that is the thing: people will ask "Then why did you stay?" and that isn't something that is easy to answer.
> Why did I stay? There IS more to it than me wanting to leave and just not being able. I doubt any man would understand and there are quite a few women who wouldn't understand either.
> Imagine meeting the PERFECT mate and getting married. You have sold off your home and moved over 900 miles away from your friends and family. Then, out of the blue, you find out that your "perfect mate" has done something AWFUL. At first all you can think about is wanting to leave, but you can't leave right away. Your too embarrassed to tell your friends (the ones who told you not to,get back with him because he cheated on you in the first place), and it is doublely so telling your family. Then as the week's roll by, he is SO sorry, and he wants to go to therapy, and he is still the person who you thought was perfect...So you start believing that he can be that "perfect" guy again...
> ...


Your story is just so extreme, it is hard for some to believe. I haven't been here long enough to encountered any fake stories, so I'm believing you. And I just feel awful for you. I really think you need to fess up to your family. It is so hard to reveal your "stupidity" to your family (I'm there with you, although there's no HIV involved), but I'd bet they really want to be there for you <3.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anyone who deals with sociopaths on a regular basis (the police and the court) ought to understand how easily it is to fall under the control of one.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne said:


> I question my sanity, and that is part of the problem! Who will believe me...? I dismissed a poster earlier who said he didn't believe me, but I am now taking a bath so I can climb down stairs and take a pic of my Jaguar to post, so I can show him that I am NOT lying.
> Because that is the thing: people will ask "Then why did you stay?" and that isn't something that is easy to answer.
> 
> Why did I stay? There IS more to it than me wanting to leave and just not being able. I doubt any man would understand and there are quite a few women who wouldn't understand either.
> ...


I get it. When stuff like this happens, our minds go into a confused state which we cannot resolve. Nothing makes sense so we shut down and do nothing. We stay. The longer we stay the stupider we feel. Since the two of you have not had sex again, you are not being exposed to HIV so you feel safe about that at least. So now you live in your confused fog not knowing if you are coming or going.

Yep I get it. I've been there. My story is different but the part of the mind shutting down to reality and the funk/fog is the same.

So stop beating yourself up. Somehow you got through the fog and you reached out for help.

You need a story that you feel ok telling people. You don't have to tell your family every detail.

_"I found out that he lied about his ex how was a drug addict and OD'd. The authorities investigated him. I then found out that she an he are HIV+. I'm lucky that I have tested free of HIV. I do not see any way to stay with him. I am leaving him and hope that you will be supportive of me."_

There, that's your story (or tweak it as you please). Keep it short. Keep it simple. You can even end it with.. 

_"Yes you warned me. I'm so sorry that I was so in-love that I could not see the forest for the trees. But thanks for still loving me."_

Over time, if you want you can give more details. Just start out with something very simple.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I must confess when I 1st read this.. I was thinking of a Lifetime movie scenario or even a Forensic files episode where a husband has his 1st wife killed & he gets off ...and with a load of life insurance...then feeling pretty good about himself that he managed to not get caught.. then goes & dupes another into marrying him ..and I was thinking.... make sure he doesn't have any life insurance on you!!!.. 

But he has AIDS.... so what is his prognosis ??

One thing is clear... he is a master Deceiver ..and can't be trusted.. you need to be very careful and get out .


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

HIV isn't the only danger she might have been exposed to. At least one young lady is already decomposing due to something other than HIV. Anyone who would secretly inject you with HIV wouldn't have a lot of qualms over slipping things in your food or drink, in your makeup, on your toothbrush, etc. I wouldn't trust this turkey any farther than I could throw him.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

A Mini-Update:
I WILL post a pic, but it will have to wait for the morning. He came home earlier than I expected and he is acting aggressive. He is stomping around wanting to fight and I am staying in my room. He can fight with himself if he wants too.

I believe things happen for a reason. I don't know exactly what it was that drew me to post here, but after reading all of your posts I realize how untenable this situation is. I can't take anymore.

I will post a pick with my car and my ring or my cane or something so you all know I didn't just pull it off the internet.

Evie


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

If this is real then RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're in very real danger!!!!!!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne said:


> A Mini-Update:
> I WILL post a pic, but it will have to wait for the morning. He came home earlier than I expected and he is acting aggressive. He is stomping around wanting to fight and I am staying in my room. He can fight with himself if he wants too.
> 
> I believe things happen for a reason. I don't know exactly what it was that drew me to post here, but after reading all of your posts I realize how untenable this situation is. I can't take anymore.
> ...


I don't think you need to do this to prove your story is real. Even a person making up a story could do that. So just ignore those who are saying that this cannot be real. 

Take the posts that you find helpful, ignore the rest.

You have way more important things to do than the be posting pictures to prove something.

If you want to sell the car, then sell it. I don't now how much your car is worth. Can you replace it with a less expensive but reliable one?


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Yes Eyvonne, don't do anything to prove anything. If someone doesn't believe you they can just not participate. If your husband is acting in an aggressive manner get away from him now. I've seen this go bad very quickly. Protect yourself.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

JustTired said:


> Leave this motherf*cker now. What's there to question? He is being investigated for murder, HIV+ and never told you, verbally & emotionally abusive.....there is nothing there to stay for.
> 
> Don't be ashamed....you did nothing wrong. You believed him & took a leap of faith. Now undo the BS that he has put you through. Go see a lawyer NOW.
> 
> (((hugs))) I can't imagine what you are going through.


Quit beating around the bush and tell her how you really feel.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Eyvonne said:


> A Mini-Update:
> I WILL post a pic, but it will have to wait for the morning. He came home earlier than I expected and he is acting aggressive. He is stomping around wanting to fight and I am staying in my room. He can fight with himself if he wants too.
> 
> I believe things happen for a reason. I don't know exactly what it was that drew me to post here, but after reading all of your posts I realize how untenable this situation is. I can't take anymore.
> ...


Do not waste time trying to prove anything to folks you don't know. See to your own safety. If you want to show someone some proof, show it to the DA who can use it, but only after you've stashed yourself somewhere safely. I'm a cop, been one over 33 years, and I hear ugly, strange crap all the time. These things might sound freaky and unbelievable to the Bridge Club crowd, but to a cop, to a judge, to a women's shelter, they sound like another day at the office.


----------



## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

Don't waste precious time with trying to prove this is real. Use the time to get to an attorney and then preparing to leave.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Evie,

I am just so mad for you! I get that your husband is a DoD employee (I am a federal employee too) and you don't want to cause any major hardship to him. But he f*cked with your life & health when he didn't tell you he was HIV+!! You never know if it will creep up later, HIV can show up years later....so that is still looming over your head.

Have you made an appointment with a lawyer yet?


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You need to get in your red Jaguar and leave. Here's a link to the SC Domestic Violence information page. Scroll down to the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Shelters and Organizations. Contact a nearby group and follow their advice.

Your behavior sounds strange to people who aren't familiar with abusive situations. It seems clear you should leave, but you don't. Unfortunately, that's a common behavior for the victim. For whatever reason, they feel they can't or don't want to leave. Listen to us when we tell you that you should leave and talk to an attorney. When your head clears, you'll understand. Sometimes the only way the victim leaves the relationship is in a hearse. Don't let that happen to you.


----------



## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

It doesnt matter if its real or not. Bet yer bottom dollar someone is going through this same situation. Afterall this could be a blueprint for some women who are in this type of situation and don't know what to do.

Just a question. what's up with the old 92 Jaguar? Is that the car you wanted? Jahs look old after a few years. I can't imagine a female wanting this type of car unless she's an older woman or into cars. maybe its a southern thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You have got to leave this man for your own safety.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Major Update:
Well, I went to a consultation with a lawyer, and I feel SO much better now! The news from the lawyer is kind of a mixed-bag, but over all it is good. Very good!

He CANNOT drive me out of our house, nor can he quit his job and just let the house go into foreclosure, NOR can he quit his job in an attempt to avoid alimony! He may think that he can but he cannot! 
The lawyer says that if he does quit his job, I am to immediately call him and we will file for divorce (so the court will know that he is just quitting to avoid financial responsibility).

Further, since I am disabled, he will not only have to pay me spousal support, but (since I am a student with only 2 semesters of college left) he will also have to pay for my college expenses (rehabilitative support). How long he will have to pay support will depend on the length of our marriage, but he has to pay me enough that I am able to maintain my current style of living.

The lawyer gave me "homework": He gave me a list of all the best lawyers in Charleston and I am supposed to set appointments with all of them (apparently any lawyer who talks to me cannot represent my husband if he comes to them later looking for representation!).

Also, since South Carolina is a Common-Law Marriage state, the time we lived together before we married actually counts as "time married". The lawyer says the longer we have been married before someone files for divorce, the better it is for me. I had been worried that if my husband filed for divorce before I filed that it would be better for him, but the lawyer says who files first doesn't matter at all.

The only down side to all of this is that the lawyer says (assuming I don't feel in immediate danger) that I should drag this all out as long as possible. That the longer the marriage lasts before either of us files for divorce, then the better off I will be in the settlement. Knowing my husband, I don't think he has actually contacted a lawyer yet (that would mean taking time away from work and I have NEVER known him to take time away from work for ANYTHING). 

I also spoke to our marriage counseler. I wanted to know what he could and couldn't say in court, since technically my husband and I are both his patients. Unfortunately, he cannot divulge to the court that my husband volunteered to him that he had knowingly had sex with me while aware of his HIV status, HOWEVER, since my husband missed SO MANY of our joint counseling sessions, all the things that were discussed during sessions he didn't show up for are open season so to speak. ALSO, he is a Dr. of Psychiatry, and made clear that he is fully on my side in this (which makes me feel WAY better).

All in all, I feel WAY more in control now! The lawyer says that, since we have been married a little over 5 years, and due to the extenuating circumstances (HIV) that I should get a minimum of 3 years spousal support (he estimates ~$20,000/year), rehabilitation support to pay for the last of my college classes, and half of everything (including the money he put towards retirement while we have been married), and ALL of the gifts he gave me (like the Jaguar and jewelry)! 

The only down side, from my point of view, is that the lawyer says that I should try and "stick it out" as long as possible -- if I could somehow manage to endure this marriage for 4 more years then (due to my disability) he would have to pay me alimony for the rest of my life....I just don't see how I could manage to do that, tbh.

So, again, I want to say THANK ALL OF YOU! When I came to this site, my husband had me convinced that he could just throw me out at his whim and I would be virtually destitute unless I kowtowed to him. Now I know that I am the one who has the power and I can honestly say that there is no better feeling IN THE WORLD! 

If he wants a divorce, fine, he can go pay the fee and file for one! Until then, however, I am going to be biding my time for as long as I possibly can! I will be keeping to my room and he can keep staying in the spare bedroom; meanwhile, I will be collecting all of the paperwork my lawyer told me to get together and visiting all of the best lawyers in town for "free consultations".

Again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH,
Evie


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Great update.....I can't imagine waiting 4 years, though!

Setting up consultations is a good idea; however, not all attorneys offer free consultations. Some offer them at their regular hourly rate.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Evie GREAT JOB! See? Knowledge _is_ power.

Hope this information allows you to make informed decisions now.

Toldja your H was full of shyt.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Tubbalard said:


> It doesnt matter if its real or not. Bet yer bottom dollar someone is going through this same situation. Afterall this could be a blueprint for some women who are in this type of situation and don't know what to do.
> 
> Just a question. what's up with the old 92 Jaguar? Is that the car you wanted? Jahs look old after a few years. I can't imagine a female wanting this type of car unless she's an older woman or into cars. maybe its a southern thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted to answer this question, because it is so indicative of what I have been going through. When he first asked me to marry him, I was driving a Ford Escort. It wasn't a fancy car, but it got good gas mileage and had air conditioning. Well, when he proposed and asked me to move away with him, he kept suggesting that I get rid of the Escort and let him buy me a new car, saying that the Escort just didn't fit into the type of neighborhood he is accustomed to living in. So, I gave the Escort to my little sister and moved up to SC with him.
8 months later I had found out about the HIV, but he still hadn't given me another car. It was the result of a lot of fighting, me saying I needed a car and him saying that if he bought me a car I would just leave him. Amongst all of this, during a time when we were being civil to each other and he was trying to keep me from leaving him, he asked me what my "dream car" would be, and I told him the story about when I was 16 and my daddy bought me my first car at an auction. There had been a Jaguar at the auction, but my dad said he wanted me to have something less dangerous to drive and something that would be more reliable. When Valentine's Day rolled around, he suprised me with the Jaguar. At the time, I asked him, "What if it breaks down? I have always heard that Jaguars are notarious for needing work.". To which he responded, "That is because most people don't like to work on British cars. I happen to find working on British cars a pleasure.". Well, 4 months later the car broke down and he wasn't able to fix it himself. He not only refused to have it taken to a shop but he also refused to allow me to use his car (I asked if I could take him to work, then go to my college classes, and then pick him up at work after my classes were over), but he refused to let me use his car and I had to drop out of classes that semester. It wasn't until we got out taxes back last year (AND after my daddy paid us a visit and gave him a talking too) that he finally got me a vehicle that I wanted--my Dodge 1500 Crew Cab, which I picked out with the specific purpose in mind that I could use it to pull a U-Haul and carry me and my stuff back home.
Evie


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Evie,

So glad you saw the lawyer & got all of the information you need. Just an FYI if you stay married to him for 10 years, you are also entitled to a portion of his federal pension when he retires. Don't leave that out of the divorce decree if you do plan on biding your time. ;-)

Knowledge is power....so glad you got the information you need.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Don't drag this out. He can make the next 4 years feel like 400.


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Have you even had your self tested yet? I mean, if you have had unprotected sex with him, you have AIDS now. You seem so unconcerned about that, its kind of freaking me out for you!


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Have you even had your self tested yet? I mean, if you have had unprotected sex with him, you have AIDS now. You seem so unconcerned about that, its kind of freaking me out for you!


I got tested every 3 months for a year after I found out, and now I go every 6 months. Since I suffer from an extream case of Degenerative Joint Disease, which specifically affects the joints in my hips (the actual name is Bi-Lateral Necrosis of the Femoral Neck and Head), I have to go into my doctor's office every month for a follow up. My Dr. And I became very close friends not long after I started seeing her, and she was the FIRST person I went to when I found out H had HIV. Those were scary days....I was suicidal and very much lost "in-my-head". Truthfully, if not for Dr. Tess, I really might have killed myself. Anyway, having to get tested regularly has had the unexpected side effect of being a ego-booster or sorts--Every time I get my test results now, I get this awesome sense of satisfaction, it's like "Yes!!!".
As I said in an earlier post, he doesn't even TRY to have sex with me now days; in all the years I have known him, he has been very athletic, but during his last tour in Afghanistan he got shrapnel in his knee that damaged the nerve. His knee has bothered him since, but for the past couple of years he has really let himself go. He has let himself gain about 70 lbs and I am beginning to suspect he may be impotent.
Evie


----------



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank god he somehow didnt infect you!


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Thank god he somehow didnt infect you!


Thank God he's (probably) impotent.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> I got tested every 3 months for a year after I found out, and now I go every 6 months. Since I suffer from an extream case of Degenerative Joint Disease, which specifically affects the joints in my hips (the actual name is Bi-Lateral Necrosis of the Femoral Neck and Head), I have to go into my doctor's office every month for a follow up. My Dr. And I became very close friends not long after I started seeing her, and she was the FIRST person I went to when I found out H had HIV. Those were scary days....I was suicidal and very much lost "in-my-head". Truthfully, if not for Dr. Tess, I really might have killed myself. Anyway, having to get tested regularly has had the unexpected side effect of being a ego-booster or sorts--Every time I get my test results now, I get this awesome sense of satisfaction, it's like "Yes!!!".
> As I said in an earlier post, he doesn't even TRY to have sex with me now days; in all the years I have known him, he has been very athletic, but during his last tour in Afghanistan he got shrapnel in his knee that damaged the nerve. His knee has bothered him since, but for the past couple of years he has really let himself go. He has let himself gain about 70 lbs and I am beginning to suspect he may be impotent.
> Evie


Holy crap, you have so much to deal with. It makes me feel like such a wimp for feeling overwhelmed with my own situation. 

I think good things are in store for you. You're going to be a great resource and encouragement to other people in the future.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Holy crap, you have so much to deal with. It makes me feel like such a wimp for feeling overwhelmed with my own situation.
> 
> I think good things are in store for you. You're going to be a great resource and encouragement to other people in the future.


If I have learned anything (and I have, though it has taken me FAR too long to act on it), it is that everyone's problems are serious for them. Trust me, I *do* feel overwhelmed.

Today was our appointment with the marriage thearpist...it didn't go well...at all. The thearpist had to ask him to leave. After he finally left, the therapist said that he feared for my safty. My husband had lost all sense of control. He screamed and yelled, made outrageous accusations and all round made an ass of himself.

The oddest thing, when I was sitting there, was that on some level I genuinely piety him. I have given him every opportunity to allow for an amicable divorce, yet his ego won't let him do the right thing. After the psychiatrist asked him to "Please stop with the attacks and the name calling", my husband jumped to his feet with this *INSANE* grin on his face, walks over and grabs the Dr.'s hand and giving him a clearly aggressive hand shake and said, "Thanks for trying to fix this doc, sorry you just wern't up for the job". The Dr. replied, "I just hope that when things calm down some, you will see the wisdom in not letting this turn into an ugly divorce. Lawyers charge tens of thousands of dollars for cases like this every day.". Hubby just grins bigger (manically) and says, "Too late for that! I would rather lose it all than see her conniving ass get anymore of my money!".

So...I cannot deny the situation any longer....
Evie


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

"Her conniving ass"???!! Oh boy that's rich coming from his liarmouth.

I hope you can get out as fast as you can.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> If I have learned anything (and I have, though it has taken me FAR too long to act on it), it is that everyone's problems are serious for them. Trust me, I *do* feel overwhelmed.
> 
> Today was our appointment with the marriage thearpist...it didn't go well...at all. The thearpist had to ask him to leave. After he finally left, the therapist said that he feared for my safty. My husband had lost all sense of control. He screamed and yelled, made outrageous accusations and all round made an ass of himself.
> 
> ...


Wow......Evie, do you think he's capable of harming you physically? I mean, we know he is in a passive way by practically trying to give you HIV, but I mean put his hands on you?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne,

After that episode, what are you going to do? Are you still in the same home living with him? 

Remember that he knows that you are leaving him. Leaving puts you in the highest risk for being murdered.

Please get out of there NOW.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How about a legal separation for four years? You'd be safe and still technically married.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Wow......Evie, do you think he's capable of harming you physically? I mean, we know he is in a passive way by practically trying to give you HIV, but I mean put his hands on you?


I really don't know anymore *what* he is capable of. I have begun to question EVERYTHING he says. At the therapist's office, he caught himself in several lies and I could literally see it on his face as he realized how he must look (Completely.Insane.), and it just made him angrier.

I had the foresight to drive myself to the appointment, so decided to take my time getting home. I sat in the WalMart parking lot and called my mom; I told her *EVERYTHING*.

When I did make it home a few hours later, he was mowing the yard, acting towards and talking to me as though nothing had ever happened. I was emotionaly drained and just came up stairs, shut myself in the bedroom and slept for about 3 hours. When I woke up and walked down stairs, he was sitting on the couch and had the nerve to ask me, "What are you cooking for supper?".

Karl has hit me once, years ago the first time we lived together; he actually got mad because I refused to listen to one of his "lectures" and I was humming loudly to drown out the sound of his voice, so he stomped down on my foot and broke my toe. So, yes, technically I think he is capable of hurting me, but I also think that he is afraid of getting caught trying to hurt me.

He DOES put his hands physically on me when he goes on his rage. He pokes me in the chest, like using a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, when he is angry-lecturing me. Also, he will hold me by the shoulders and make me look at him while he talks if I don't look him in the face while he is speaking.

In the end, I think it is a battle between his Ego and his personal Shame. He knows what he has done to me is *SERIOUSLY* messed up and he is afraid (maybe even terrified..?) that it is all going to come out now.

Evie


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Eyvonne,
> 
> After that episode, what are you going to do? Are you still in the same home living with him?
> 
> ...


I am going to go back to the lawyer on Monday, and I guess I am just going to do whatever I am told. When I really think about it, I am kind of scared....but I am braver today than I was a week ago. My mom made me promise to sleep with a knife under the nightstand lol, I told her I would but I didn't get one. Now, as I read everyone's questions and I reply, I am rethinking getting that knife lol.

Evie


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry but you are being foolish staying in the same house with him.

He has already crossed over into physical violence. Sure he's not breaking your bones yet. But that's just because you have not really challenged his control over you.. up until now. 

His ex died of an overdose. The more I read, the more I'd bet that it was no a suicide. They just could not get enough evidence to convict. It happens all the time.

What is the point of staying? Here you are telling us this horrific story. But you stay like you are oblivious to the situation you are in.

Look at how crazy this is. You are seriously thinking of sleeping with a knife within reach. Does that tell you anything? Like you need to get out of there NOW.

I have a niece who was married to a man who spun a web of lies similar to what you husbands has done. There was no HIV. But his entire life story was just a lie, everything. After a few years of marriage, like you she discovered the first big lie. And over some time she kept discovering more big lies. Like you, she stayed in the house with him knowing full well that he was a violent sociopath. She had told him that she was leaving. 

One morning they found her with a bullet hole in her head. He was nearby dead. It was a murder/suicide. These things happen all the time.

Get out of that house NOW. 

.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Eyvonne, 

If your daughter was going through this, what would you do? What would you say? 

Would you encourage her to stay? What if she called you and told you what you told your mother? 

Try to look objectively. It's very hard when you're in an abusive relationship, but it is possible.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Satya said:


> Eyvonne,
> 
> If your daughter was going through this, what would you do? What would you say?
> 
> ...


That's was what my counsellor ask me n I told her I can't tell my mum she's too old nn. Then I asked myself that question you posted n I saw daylight n knew what I should do. 

Sad but I got over. Now.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry but you are being foolish staying in the same house with him.
> 
> He has already crossed over into physical violence. Sure he's not breaking your bones yet. But that's just because you have not really challenged his control over you.. up until now.
> 
> ...


While I understand, Evie, exactly what you're saying since my STBX is very similar in actions, putting hands on me, and he recently hit me (on my foot while I was in a recliner) for the first time. My mom and sis say the same thing....they are worried for my safety. However, we have 2 kids, and my STBX does not have HIV. He has way more to lose than Karl. Karl already has an illness for which there's no cure. I'm sure he is terrified that you're going to tell his secret to the world. He showed scary behavior right in front of the counselor. Murder/suicide is not at all a stretch to fear in your situation, especially considering he has already, in his lifetime, but under suspicion for murder. Moving out now won't completely eliminate that possibility, but it sure will lessen the opportunities.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> I really don't know anymore *what* he is capable of. I have begun to question EVERYTHING he says. At the therapist's office, he caught himself in several lies and I could literally see it on his face as he realized how he must look (Completely.Insane.), and it just made him angrier.
> 
> I had the foresight to drive myself to the appointment, so decided to take my time getting home. I sat in the WalMart parking lot and called my mom; I told her *EVERYTHING*.
> 
> ...


If he pokes you in the chest and physically restrains you while he "lectures" you he is already abusing you, you just are too close to the situation to see it. And since his physicality is demonstrated while trying to control you, once he realizes that his control is slipping away I believe he will escalate the abuse to try to reestablish his perceived dominance over you. Having read this I worry about your safety going forward.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

bfree said:


> If he pokes you in the chest and physically restrains you while he "lectures" you he is already abusing you, you just are too close to the situation to see it. And since his physicality is demonstrated while trying to control you, once he realizes that his control is slipping away I believe he will escalate the abuse to try to reestablish his perceived dominance over you. Having read this I worry about your safety going forward.


I know how worrying my remaining under the same roof as him is---It cannot worry anyone more than it worrys me, but I promised the lawyers I wouldn't do anything with out consulting with them first, so at the very least I will have to spend one more night here before I go back into their offices Monday. 
Please believe me when I say that I *WANT* to leave. NOTHING would make me happier than to load up my pets and possessions into my truck and drive the 933 miles back to my parents house, but I also believe that the lawyer I spoke to is trying to look out for my best intrest. If that means I have to keep myself locked in my room for another day, then I guess that is what I have to do.

Before I came here, to this site, he had me convinced that I was powerless. Thanks to all of the advice and just plain compassion you guys have all show me, I don't feel powerless anymore, but that doesn't mean I am not wary...I don't trust him further than I can see into the future. 

Evie


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> You have all the power, why do you think he loses control? He realised he is powerless.


Good point. And this brings up more... he's abusive. Abuse is used to control the other person. Why do abusers feel a strong, driving need to control their spouse? Because they feel that they have no power in their life.. in all aspects of their life. The reason that they do not (usually) abuse people outside their own household is because they have learned that they cannot get away with it.

They abuse their spouse, and their children, behind closed doors because it's the one place they can do it and get away with it.

Your husband's feelings of not have power come from his very core and taint every aspect of his being. It's something that is very broken inside of him.

This is what makes and abusive person so dangerous. They cannot just leave the relationship and do something like bury themselves in their job... because they have no power there either. If the abuser loses control of their spouse, then there is not one place in their life that they have power. It scares the living daylights out of the.

This is why murder and murder/suicide is often the end game of abuse. When the victim tries to leave, the abuser exercises final, complete control over their victim. Some times even over their own lives. Murder and murder/suicide are the ultimate and most profound expression of control.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Eyvonne, go buy a lock/bolt for your door, even of it's for one night. I'm assuming you're sleeping in a separate room? They're cheap at any hardware store and easy to install.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He married you fraudulently. Therefore an annulment might be possible. A lawyer can help you with this.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Eyvonne said:


> I also spoke to our marriage counseler. I wanted to know what he could and couldn't say in court, since technically my husband and I are both his patients. Unfortunately, he cannot divulge to the court that my husband volunteered to him that he had knowingly had sex with me while aware of his HIV status, HOWEVER, since my husband missed SO MANY of our joint counseling sessions, all the things that were discussed during sessions he didn't show up for are open season so to speak. ALSO, he is a Dr. of Psychiatry, and made clear that he is fully on my side in this (which makes me feel WAY better).


Speak to your attorney about this confidentiality issue. When the "confession" is made to the counselor, in the presence of a third party, there is no confidentiality. Not sure if this applies with spouses so definitely speak with your attorney.

And when you speak with the other attorneys, you *MUST *mention something specific about your case. The HIV will more than do it. Just speaking in generalities will not prevent them from representing the scum to whom you are currently married.

If your H comes home "looking for a fight" call 911. Make sure you tell this dispatcher you are disabled. This can help you get a TRO against him. Again, speak to your attorney about this.

IamSomebody


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Mini-Mini-Update:

Well, I called my lawyer this morning and tried to get an appointment, but her associate (secretary?) said that she was in family court all day and could she do anything to help me. So, I told her what had happened at the marriage counsoler's office and she said she would page the lawyer and call me back with advice.

I don't know if I mentioned it in my previous post, but when my H was ranting at the therapist, he said that he had hired a lawyer and that his lawyer had "guarenteed" him that I would get nothing from him in a divorce (no spousal support, no division of property, ect...). I didn't call H a liar at the time, but I didn't believe him because the lawyer he claimed to have employeed had recently represented me in a civil suite (I sued the local college for illegally charging me out-of-state tuition, and won) AND he was the lawyer friend I called to get a referral to a divorce lawyer. So, while I was waiting to hear back from my divorce lawyer, I decided to call and see if my H had really hired or even gotten legal advice from my lawyer friend as he claimed. NOPE! H was just pulling lies out of his back-side apparently, because I just got off the phone with my lawyer friend's secretary (who I also happen to be friends with) and my H has not been in contact with their office AT ALL, and as I suspected even if he had they couldn't help him bc it would be a conflict of intrest!

I am still waiting to hear back from my divorce lawyer, but the longer this goes on the more I come to realize that my H is running scared! I feel less and less afraid of him every time I catch him in another lie! 

I will let you all know more when I hear back from my lawyer.

You guys are the best! If not for your advice I think I would be a shivering ball of fear!

Xoxo
Evie


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You shouldn't be afraid of your husband, but you shouldn't tickle his crazy nerves anymore either. He's not a safe person to be around.

Since you are already talking to divorce lawyers and entering a new field of detachment, you should cleverly and slowly distance yourself from him. The guy is going to have a lot of raging moments when the divorce process starts. You can't be around for that.

Be wise and not confrontational at all. Swallow your pride and play the game until you're out of harm's way. He can and will be dangerous once he finds out you've lawyered up.

I wish you success with this crazy episode in your life and apologize if I sounded skeptical at first. I really couldn't believe your story.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> Mini-Mini-Update:
> 
> Well, I called my lawyer this morning and tried to get an appointment, but her associate (secretary?) said that she was in family court all day and could she do anything to help me. So, I told her what had happened at the marriage counsoler's office and she said she would page the lawyer and call me back with advice.
> 
> ...


Evie, you always had the upper hand. You just didn't know it. Isn't it wonderful to know things? ;-)


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> I'm willing to bet his gf killed herself when she found out your cheating husband in fact infected her, just the same as he could have infected you.
> 
> You know what you need to do, take the jag and get out while you are still alive.
> 
> ...


I don't know how I missed this post earlier, but when I saw it just now I had to comment. For the past month I have been thinking a LOT about Jenny (his ex) and I have run over what he told me vs what the coroner told me a million times. 

According to H: He noticed that Jenny wasn't home when he got off work and after waiting for a while for her to arrive, he used her iPhone to track her to the barking lot in front of the office of a counseler she had been seeing. He found her dead in the car and called the police.

According to Coroner: Karl did call 911 and said he found Jenny in the car dead. The coroner said that she had over-dosed on a virtual ****tail of medications (Xanax, Valium, Fenigrin, oxycodone, morphine and dilauda). Which automatically made me feel suspicious since my MIL told me (and H later verified) that Jenny was a cocaine addict. I am no druggie "in the know" but I AM originally from south Louisiana and grew up around a lot of addicts--I have never heard of a coke head suddenly deciding to take massive quantities of narcotics...

However, for me, the BIG conflict in the story came later. After discussing all of the with me counseler, he suggested that I find out the name of John counseler Jenny was supposed to be seeing that day (the one Karl said he found her in the parking lot of). When I asked Karl, his story subtly changed: NOW he says that Jenny had never actually went to the counseler; that the day she died was supposed to be her first visit...FURTHER, he now says he cannot remember where the parking lot he found her in is located...how could you EVER forget where you found your girlfriend of 9 years dead...!?!? 

That first year after he and I moved in together I helped box her stuff and take it to GoodWill bc H said it was too painful for him to deal with. Amongst going through her stuff I found things with her name on them and even a diary (that a lot of pages had been torn out of) where in one entry she said how much she hated Karl. 
For the life of me though, I cannot now remember her last name! I know there has got to be a way to find it out, and a way to contact the officer who would have been assigned to the case (the coroner has long since moved on and Imcant even remember her name now). Also, that first year, Jenny's parents were CONSTANTLY calling Karl and he would just not answer them. When I asked why he wouldn't answer their calls, he would tell me stories about how her family treated her badly and how angry he was at them for causing her emotional pain. Now, though......I find myself desperately wanting talk to Jenny's parents.....I feel this strange sense of.....kinship to her. I feel like I NEED to know her truth...

Evie


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Please leave her parents out of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


???

I don't think Evie meant anything by that. Just part of her story.

Evie, if you really wanted to investigate more, a P.I., even an amateur one, could probably help.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Hi All!
Sorry it has taken me this long to get back here, but some "things" have been going on....specifically, H has come down with the flu or something....and suddenly loves me again ("Baby, would you take my temperature?" "Baby, will you fix me some Theraflu?""Baby, my stomach hurts, will you go to the store and get me some Alkiseltzer?").
No apology. No, "I'm sorry." No "I shouldn't have called you a conniving cxxnt..." Just "Me "Me" "Me"....
Jokes on him though! I DID hear from my lawyer and she says she CAN have the marriage counseler testify to the fact that he admitted to knowingly exposing me to HIV! So, HA!!!
She says it is up to me wether I want to file now and get support for (probably) ~3 years.....OR if I can "hang-in-there" for another 4&1/2 years and get support for the rest of my life plus half of his pension. Truthfully, I don't think I could make it that long, but reguardless she says the longer I hold out, the better! 
SO....my mom is sending me $1500 to put my lawyer on retainer and as soon as that is done she us going to start taking depositions (marriage counseler, my doctor who I went to (and broke-down in front of) when I had to start getting HIV testing, ect...).
Meanwhile, H is begging me to let him back into the master bedroom.....but I told him I don't want to catch whatever it is that he is sick with (he is so arrogantly blind that he cannot see thru the double meaning on that statement! lol).
I know it won't last forever (or even 4 years), but, as advised, I am doing my best to drag it out.

My motto for the day: Grin and Bear It, You Can Laugh on the Way to the Bank Later!!!

Evie


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How does your disability affect you? You say you can't work, but you had a plan for a new career. Why didn't that plan work? What is your disability?


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> How does your disability affect you? You say you can't work, but you had a plan for a new career. Why didn't that plan work? What is your disability?


I was diagnoised with sarcardoisis when I was in my teens. In my case it affects my lungs, and at that time had created so much scar tissue that I had to have most of my left lung removed. The treatment, at that time, for sarcardoisis was methyl prednisone. So, for almost 20 years, every time I had a sarcardoisis flare-up, I would be given a course of prednisone. I averaged 2-3 flare-ups a year. Well, it turns out, that extended use of prednisone can cause a narrowing of the blood vessels in the hips, thus depriving the bones in that area proper blood flow and leading to necrosis (death) of the hip bones.
When I first started experiencing hip pain, I just assumed that because I had been such a workaholic in a position where I spent long periods of time on my feet, and becaus I was getting older, that I just had arthritus. My doctor prescribed me Loratab and I would take it when the hip pain surfaced, but as time went by the pain became much more sever and much more frequent. 
Long story-short(er), the prednisone left me with a severe case of Degenerative Joint Disease. Specifically, the "ball-parts" of my hip joints are dead and I will eventually have to have both hips replaced. However, all of the surgeons I have seen want me to try and wait at least 5 more years before attempting the surgery due to me being so young (for someone with this condition) and the fact that the replacements only last for a maximum of 20 years.
SO...to answer your question, I have a respitory disorder that they can no longer effectively treat due to my reaction to the prednisone, and I can only stand for short periods of time and am forced to walk with a cane.
Those were the reasons I sold off my catering company and returned to college in the hopes of becoming qualified to do something where I could work seated. I only have two semesters left and I will have my BS in Biology. The first time I went to college, I went on an art scholarship and I still paint (water colors/acrylic) and do Illustrations in pen & ink, and had originally planned to apply as a textbook illustrator once I finished my Biology degree. 
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had to drop out the last semester I attended because my car broke down and my H refused to allow me to use his car and also refused to fix my car. Now that I have a new car I want to finish up my degree as soon as possible and plan to ease back into school this summer by taking 2 or maybe 3 classes during the summer session...of course, I worry that I could find myself in the middle of the semester having to deal with the nightmare of an ugly divorce....but what else can I do? I won't feel secure until I finish school.
Evie


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> My motto for the day: Grin and Bear It, You Can Laugh on the Way to the Bank Later!!!
> 
> Evie


I don't agree with this approach at all. It's dishonest, abusive and absolutely immoral.

Don't do it Evie. You'll put yourself in a lower moral category by doing this and can no longer claim to be a "good wife".

Just divorce him and move on. That's the right thing to do.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

synthetic said:


> I don't agree with this approach at all. It's dishonest, abusive and absolutely immoral.
> 
> Don't do it Evie. You'll put yourself in a lower moral category by doing this and can no longer claim to be a "good wife".
> 
> Just divorce him and move on. That's the right thing to do.


This man married her knowing that he is HIV positive. He has been emotionally/verbally abusive. Knowingly having sex with her when he is HIV positive and not telling her is physical abuse. In my estimation, he owes her big time. She doesn't have to be a good wife to this man. He is a monster.

I am glad you have a plan. Stick to it and you'll be fine. All is certainly not lost.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

synthetic said:


> I don't agree with this approach at all. It's dishonest, abusive and absolutely immoral.
> 
> Don't do it Evie. You'll put yourself in a lower moral category by doing this and can no longer claim to be a "good wife".
> 
> Just divorce him and move on. That's the right thing to do.


That all sounds good and noble, and please don't think I am trying to be vindictive, because I am not. The comment you quoted was my way of trying to find some humor in an utterly humorless situation.
Do you know how long it takes to get a divorce if both parties aren't amicable (and he has made it VERY CLEAR that he doesn't want me to have ANYTHING)? The average time period is 6 months to a year and a half. Further, if I were to say today, "I want a divorce", do you think for a second he would be supportive of me finishing my last two semesters of college? And 6 months later (assuming I am lucky) when I move back home (933 miles away), I would then have to wait ANOTHER year before I would be eligible for in-state tuition (tuition here, for a full time student w/ in-state tuition is ~5000; w/out in-state tuition it is ~14,000 PER SEMESTER). 
FURTHER, have you googled how much a non-amicable divorce costs? Depending on how good your lawyer is, the cost climbs into the tens of thousands of dollars! He doesn't give me money. He will lawyer-up and I will get stuck with some ghetto lawyer that I have hocked my jewelry to pay for and then there really IS a chance that I will be in tout in the street with nothing--Just like he said he wants.
Look down on me for not taking what you consider to be the "moral high-ground" if you must, but I have to look out for my best interests. No one else is.
I'm not trying to "take him for all he is worth", but I do deserve (at the VERY least) to get back what I have financially put into the marriage. He has already said that he will fight tooth and nail to prevent that, and considering what he has done to me already, do you really doubt that he sincerely means that? 
No, I don't plan to hang around an abusive man for five more years just because I "want his money", but (if I am able) I DO plan on hanging around long enough to finish school (I am legally entitled to his unused veterans education benefits), and long enough to save enough money that if he wants an ugly divorce that I can defend myself. Moral high-ground be damned.
Evie


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evie, 

would you mind putting some white space after each of your paragraphs. It's very had to read a wall of text.

Thanks


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evie,

You say that he does not give you money. Does that mean that you have absolutely no access to money? Who does the grocery shopping and other similar chores? Does he pay the bills?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> That all sounds good and noble, and please don't think I am trying to be vindictive, because I am not. The comment you quoted was my way of trying to find some humor in an utterly humorless situation.
> Do you know how long it takes to get a divorce if both parties aren't amicable (and he has made it VERY CLEAR that he doesn't want me to have ANYTHING)? The average time period is 6 months to a year and a half. Further, if I were to say today, "I want a divorce", do you think for a second he would be supportive of me finishing my last two semesters of college? And 6 months later (assuming I am lucky) when I move back home (933 miles away), I would then have to wait ANOTHER year before I would be eligible for in-state tuition (tuition here, for a full time student w/ in-state tuition is ~5000; w/out in-state tuition it is ~14,000 PER SEMESTER).
> FURTHER, have you googled how much a non-amicable divorce costs? Depending on how good your lawyer is, the cost climbs into the tens of thousands of dollars! He doesn't give me money. He will lawyer-up and I will get stuck with some ghetto lawyer that I have hocked my jewelry to pay for and then there really IS a chance that I will be in tout in the street with nothing--Just like he said he wants.
> Look down on me for not taking what you consider to be the "moral high-ground" if you must, but I have to look out for my best interests. No one else is.
> ...


You're very uninformed about the laws of divorce. At the end of the day, the divorce will cost you pretty much nothing since you don't bring any income into the marriage. He will foot the bill for everything (and I mean everything).

Yes I know what divorces cost. I got one myself 

If your motto really is "Moral high-ground be damned", then I have nothing further to say in this thread.

Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> You're very uninformed about the laws of divorce. At the end of the day, the divorce will cost you pretty much nothing since you don't bring any income into the marriage. He will foot the bill for everything (and I mean everything).
> 
> Yes I know what divorces cost. I got one myself
> 
> ...





Eyvonne said:


> *When we bought our house together I sold my other house and we used the money as a down payment. * ....but if I needed anything he always said I had to pay for it myself. Now my savings are gone...
> 
> Evie


You have apparently missed this above very important point. She came into the marriage with a house paid off, a car paid off and a large savings. She has been mostly living off her savings while married.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

synthetic said:


> If your motto really is "Moral high-ground be damned", then I have nothing further to say in this thread.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm good with that.

Good luck.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> I'm good with that.
> 
> Good luck.





EleGirl said:


> Evie,
> 
> You say that he does not give you money. Does that mean that you have absolutely no access to money? Who does the grocery shopping and other similar chores? Does he pay the bills?


Karl pays all the bill and every two weeks he puts money into a joint account for groceries (I have to provide receipts bc he accused me of getting cash back at Walmart). He doesn't believe in paying over $14 dollars for getting my hair done, he doesn't believe in getting my nails done AT ALL, and I have, literally, not had a new pair of shoes or jeans in over a year. When I REALLY need something I dip into the last of my money (I currently have EXACTLY $400 to my name; I accidently locked my keys in the car last week and had to pay A-1 Locksmith $65 bc H wouldn't bring me the spare key).

I know it is my own stupidity that I didn't ask about things like this before we married, but I was under the assumption that we would share everything after we got married (he certainly didn't mind asking me to sell my house to make the deposite on our new house). The first time we dated/lived together we split everything equally, but I didn't expect otherwise because we were not married. I should have discussed finances before marrying him, but I had never heard of married people keeping seperate accounts before.

Evie


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Eyvonne said:


> Karl pays all the bill and every two weeks he puts money into a joint account for groceries (I have to provide receipts bc he accused me of getting cash back at Walmart). He doesn't believe in paying over $14 dollars for getting my hair done, he doesn't believe in getting my nails done AT ALL, and I have, literally, not had a new pair of shoes or jeans in over a year. When I REALLY need something I dip into the last of my money (I currently have EXACTLY $400 to my name; I accidently locked my keys in the car last week and had to pay A-1 Locksmith $65 bc H wouldn't bring me the spare key).
> 
> I know it is my own stupidity that I didn't ask about things like this before we married, but I was under the assumption that we would share everything after we got married (he certainly didn't mind asking me to sell my house to make the deposite on our new house). The first time we dated/lived together we split everything equally, but I didn't expect otherwise because we were not married. I should have discussed finances before marrying him, but I had never heard of married people keeping seperate accounts before.
> 
> Evie


Have you talked to your lawyer about your equity in the house? Since you put your money from your house into this one as a down payment, you should be able to claim the down payment as your sole asset and get that money back. You can force the sale of the house.

I understand you wanting to finish your degree. But continuing to live with him is such a bad idea. If you had that money from your home, could you support yourself while you finish school?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your lawyer about your equity in the house? Since you put your money from your house into this one as a down payment, you should be able to claim the down payment as your sole asset and get that money back. You can force the sale of the house.
> 
> I understand you wanting to finish your degree. But continuing to live with him is such a bad idea. If you had that money from your home, could you support yourself while you finish school?


I totally agree. Your mental health and just plain moving on with someone who deserves you is so much more important than money!


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your lawyer about your equity in the house? Since you put your money from your house into this one as a down payment, you should be able to claim the down payment as your sole asset and get that money back. You can force the sale of the house.
> 
> I understand you wanting to finish your degree. But continuing to live with him is such a bad idea. If you had that money from your home, could you support yourself while you finish school?


Like so many things, it is complicated and a risk. My house was in a small town in central Louisiana where property prices are much smaller. I ended up with $55,000 after the sale of my house. I spent ~$10,000 of that on our wedding and honeymoon, and the other $45,000 was our down payment on our house when we purchased for ~$600,000, but then property prices dropped and our house is now valued at a (guesstimated) $530,000. 

The lawyer STILL thinks I could get about $55,000 back but that is no where near enough to buy a house here so I would have to rent is I wanted to finish school here and the average rent on a two bedroom appartment here is ~$2,000/month plus utility's. Between rent, utility's, food and other expenses, I could probably survive off the money and graduate, but after graduation I would be close to broke.

I could, of course, take the money back home and try to find another house to buy, but then I would have to wait a year to go back to school (to get in-state tuition) and I would bet taking the risk that the court actually DID order him to pay support, which even my lawyer says isn't set in stone. Wether any support from him at all is totally up to the court since we have only been actually married for ~3&1/2 years; SC is a common law marriage state, so the lawyer believes that the court will count the year and 1/2 we lived together before the ceremony as part of the marriage---but again that is totally up to the court.

Evie


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I totally agree. Your mental health and just plain moving on with someone who deserves you is so much more important than money!


I could honestly careless, and I do mean CARELESS about EVER being with another man! If I were the LEAST bit inclined to be lesbian, I would become one! Even at 43 years old and walking with a cain, I am OFTEN hit on by men. The young man who popped the lock on my car for me even made a pass at me (and he was VERY attractive), but I am simply not intrested. It is amazing what chronic pain in the hips will do to destroy a woman's sex drive.

I have 4 priorities:
1) Finish School
2) Enough money to get me, my pets, and my personal belongs back home (and I don't mean renting a UHaul; I cannot imagine that I am in anyway capable of loading a moving truck--I will need professional movers)
3) Enough money to purchase another home comperable to my previous home
4) Insurance coverage for at LEAST until I finish school

Another man is the LAST thing I need in my life.

Evie


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Eyvonne said:


> I don't know how I missed this post earlier, but when I saw it just now I had to comment. For the past month I have been thinking a LOT about Jenny (his ex) and I have run over what he told me vs what the coroner told me a million times.
> 
> According to H: He noticed that Jenny wasn't home when he got off work and after waiting for a while for her to arrive, he used her iPhone to track her to the barking lot in front of the office of a counseler she had been seeing. He found her dead in the car and called the police.
> 
> ...


For goodness sake, this is the biggest bunch of BS ever. It reads like a bad soap opera. "I feel this strange sense of . . . kinship to her. I feel like I NEED to know her truth." There are so many inconsistencies in this gal's stories and so many complicated explanations--I will just wait for the Kindle version to come out before I read more.

Those of you who stick around, keep your personal information safe and very, very private. Maybe the OP is just doing this for fun, but I would suspect an ulterior motive. Be safe online, as always.


----------



## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> The guy knew he was HIV+ and concealed that fact while having sex with you. In my mind, that's attempted murder. That's about as low as humans can get while still retaining human status. Anyone capable of that is capable of any other possible evil. Nothing he could buy or say, no amount of family cajoling could keep me from leaving that guy. I would consider it a matter of personal survival. This guy was dishonest back when you used to date him and it appears he has graduated from mere dishonesty to lethal treachery, complete devotion to selfishness, and complete disregard for the well-being of all other humans. His last partner is worm food under very suspicious circumstances and he begins his relationship with you by knowingly, deliberately, and secretly exposing you to HIV. Whether or not he actually murdered his ex girlfriend, we have very clearly established that he possesses the requisite criminal mind to murder. Very few humans are walking around with that level of evil between their ears. In classic sociopath style, he turned his evil around and accused you of being violent because you slapped him. Get out. Get out, now. I would not only divorce him but I would run to the District Attorney's office and have him charged with criminal transmission of HIV. CDC - HIV-Specific Criminal Laws -State Laws - HIV and the Law - Policies and Programs - HIV/AIDS


:iagree: 100% right on with this comment. HIV is nothing to mess with. Divorce this guy pronto and tell your family bc you need support from loved ones now more than ever. So sad, but you'll get through this!


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

traveler247 said:


> :iagree: 100% right on with this comment. HIV is nothing to mess with. Divorce this guy pronto and tell your family bc you need support from loved ones now more than ever. So sad, but you'll get through this!


As I mentioned R in an earlier post, I have now told my mother and sister everything, and I feel pretty certain that my mom has told my dad by now (my father works overseas a month-on/month-off, so I expect I will be hearing from him when he gets back in about 2 & 1/2 weeks from the the North Sea).

I could have my husband arrested for sexual assult, and believe me I have thought about it a LOT, but my lawyer says that is what she calls "careless talk"-- getting him arrested would be the end of his career with the government and him sitting in prision with out any money coming in wont do me any good. Sure it would give me a "free divorce" (the spouse of a convicted criminal can divorce said criminal at no cost) but it would prevent me from getting any spousal support and insurance it go out the window. 

Evie


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

sisters359 said:


> For goodness sake, this is the biggest bunch of BS ever. It reads like a bad soap opera. "I feel this strange sense of . . . kinship to her. I feel like I NEED to know her truth." There are so many inconsistencies in this gal's stories and so many complicated explanations--I will just wait for the Kindle version to come out before I read more.
> 
> Those of you who stick around, keep your personal information safe and very, very private. Maybe the OP is just doing this for fun, but I would suspect an ulterior motive. Be safe online, as always.


Really? Your type of dismissive attitude is exactly why I was reluctant to tell anyone about my situation in the first place. 

A soap opera? No. If you are a member of this forum then I would guess that your marriage hasn't been perfect either. Is it SUCH a strech to believe that a man who has HIV and doesn't disclose it, may have lied about the situation surrounding the death of his previous HIV+ girlfriend?

And finally, what "ulterior motive" do you suspect? The ONLY thing I have asked for here is advise. I haven't used any real names (other than my own first name), I haven't "friended" a single person on this forum, nor have I asked ANYONE here or anywhere else for ANYTHING other than advise.

If you don't believe me, that's fine. I don't need your belief (or anything else for that matter).

Evie


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> Really? Your type of dismissive attitude is exactly why I was reluctant to tell anyone about my situation in the first place.


Please don't get too offended by these types of responses. There have been a number of fake posters who have spun some highly involved stories, for whatever reasons. I believe what you've been saying, but you have to admit it's pretty out there. Given your situation, I can understand why things have played out like this. 

I think you may be holding too much onto getting value out of the marriage. Whether for moral or financial reasons, trying to get the most value from him will be problematic. He can make it very difficult and you may go through a lot of grief and walk away with nothing because all the money has been spent on lawyers or hidden away. Given your health concerns, how much effort can you realistically put forth to fight this?

I'm not a lawyer, but I don't know that you can get out more assets than are currently in the marriage. If you're underwater on the house and have no savings, there are no assets to split up. It may not matter that you put the down payment on the house. If the cash isn't there, the cash isn't there. I think you will get 1/2 the assets (if any) and then alimony.

I also worry about your safety as long as you're with him. I strongly feel you need to leave. Given the dubious nature of his prior relationship and his anger issues, I seriously think you're in danger. You may literally putting your own life at risk continuing to live in the house. A local domestic violence group in your area can help you find low cost housing if necessary.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your lawyer about your equity in the house? Since you put your money from your house into this one as a down payment, you should be able to claim the down payment as your sole asset and get that money back. You can force the sale of the house.



This.

When my ex wife and I divorced, she asked for a 50/50 split on the equity in the house (which I was still living in, she had left).

Luckily, the bulk of the downpayment had come from my pocket, and the balance was a loan from her father (which we had paid back already).

So in my case, we had put down $90,000 as a downpayment. $60k was mine, $20k was a loan from her father. Much of the $60k was inheritance money from the deaths of my father and grandparents, as well as a $10k loan from my mother.

Luckily, I had the paperwork to prove the inheritance money was just that. And even more luckily, the $10k loan from my mother was in the form of a check, written out in my name only. (my mom is smart like that! She even kept a photocopy of the check.) The 20k loan from her father was from his line of credit, transferred to a bank account in both our names.

At the end of the day, my ex wife, who thought she was going to get a nice little check for around $50k (equity in the house, and other things) ended up on the short side of $10k, and she was not pleased. We basically split the difference of the total amount of mortgage payments we had made over the 2-ish years we lived in that house, minus legal costs, etc.

See, I figured out that she was going to use this money to float her for a little bit while she was getting settled with her boyfriend (who lived in a different country). A good chunk of that would have had to go into moving costs, then the remainder would have helped her get through the first year or so while she had to learn a new language and eventually get a job. Didn't work out that way for her, I guess. She had her big plan, and she probably told her boyfriend all would be good, she'd get some $$ in the divorce and he wouldn't have to be financially responsible for her at the start. She ended up having just enough to move there and get settled, and that's it. Hopefully it caused a lot of stress for her...  

She tried ONCE to tell me she didn't think that was fair and that she should get half of everything, as we had shared our life together for almost 14 years, but I shut her down quick, and reminded her that the she was the one leaving (for another man it turned out) and that inheritance money is not a shared "income".


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your lawyer about your equity in the house? Since you put your money from your house into this one as a down payment, you should be able to claim the down payment as your sole asset and get that money back. You can force the sale of the house.
> 
> I understand you wanting to finish your degree. But continuing to live with him is such a bad idea. If you had that money from your home, could you support yourself while you finish school?


Sorry for taking so long to respond to this post in full, specifically addressing the danger factor for me in this relationship, but I really wanted (if possible) to explain how I am feeling/thinking about this and to assuage you and other's fear for my safty.

Having spent several days thinking about it, I am not really sure that the above is possible, but I want to try so here goes:

Admittedly, I may be being niave about this, but since deciding that I want a divorce I no longer feel fear of my H. Almost all of Karl's "explosions 'o rage" we're the result of me either "talking back", arguing with him, questioning him about something that didn't seem truthful (or I *Knew* wasn't truthful), or me just generally not wanting to do something that he wanted me to do (or visa versa--me wanting him to do something he didn't want to do).

Now days, I don't argue with him (or even speak to him much for that matter). I get up at 5:30am and cook him breakfast and make his lunch for work. He gets up at 6:30am, so I am usually finished and back in my bedroom by the time he is up and about; I go back to sleep until 9am, after he is already gone.

While he is gone working, I do my normal things: I clean the house, work in my garden, take care of the pets, and so forth until he gets home ~6:30pm. By that time, I am back in the kitchen cooking so that supper will be ready by 7:30pm when he will be ready to eat. The hour we spend "together" eating is the only time we spend with each other. I say "together" in quotes bc he is still glued to his laptop throughout; if he found supper to be particularly good, he *might* say, "Supper was good." and if he does, I respond "Thank you".

After supper, I load up the daily laundry and put it in the wash, I do the dishes and wipe down the counters, by then the laundry is done washing and I put it in the dryer. Then I take a bath. Afterwards, I go back down stairs and tell him "goodnight", he says "goodnight" back and insists that I give him a kiss (if I refuse, he will "rage", so I just do it) and I go up to bed and read until it is time for me to go to sleep at ~11pm so I can get up and do it again the next morning.

That's it. He has no desire to talk to me, has told me he doesn't want to hear about my day, and is perfectly happy as long as his meals are ready when he is hungry, the house is clean, and he has the cloths he wants to wear cleaned and ready for him in the morning. 

Before I came here looking for advise, I was constantly doing things that made him angry. Like wanting to talk to him, or wanting him to talk to me, or asking him to put his laptop down. So, in a way he was right all along. It WAS my fault we fought all the time, because I was asking him to do things he didn't want to do: communicate with me, make decisions about our life which included my unwanted input, and my insistence that he tell me the truth instead of lying to me. True to his word, now that I have stopped bothering him with my "petty needs", he has stopped calling me names, screaming and shouting at me, holding me down to make me listen to him, and all the other things I didn't like. He has even stopped lying to me, since I no longer ask him questions. He genuinely couldn't be happier.

Evie


----------

