# Should I ask how long the affair lasted



## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

We are living separately after finding out my wife's affair. She seems very remorseful about it and wants to see if we can work it out. She sent a no contact letter as well as giving me access to accounts. I asked certain things about the affair. The emails gave me all the details of the type relationship I needed to know. I am obsessed with knowing how long it went on. First it started last November.

Of course I'm verifying everything I can. Then I looked at her phone bills and through old phones she still had. They were talking a year before that. She keeps saying she can't remember. Then has to back up every time I find something. I feel like I need her to be honest about the time. Am I being unreasonable to make it a deal breaker not to know? It messes me up to find more and I we are really going to try to work I want to know it all now. Should I just drop it and just verify today forward?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes. Ask. Telll heer that if she doesn't tell you everything then there will ne no chance at reconciliation. Tell ger she gets one shot only to come clean and if she lies all bets r off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Sounds like we are a done deal then. That's what I told her to begin with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't rebuild trust if she's still lying or lying by ommission. Tell her that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You must have all of the truth. Since she continues to trickle truth you tell her you will set up a polygraph test to know once and for all. Her comment that she does not know is ridiculous. She know exactly when it began. The fact that she would say this shows that she is truly not remorseful and is still playing you for a fool. Why would you try to recover with someone who refuses to still tell you the truth? How could you trust her in the future if she is still lying to you in the present?


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

She checked out on for everything this year.Last year and how long is the issue. Made me wonder if it is cloudy to her. My memory isn't the greatest either but a year is a lot of difference. She told me several events also. I just seems to be the time frame she has trouble with.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is in damage control mode. How does one forget one year?


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

She also put a gps app on her phone and has a fit if it messes up. Though it still reported to me when it did. She can get around that by leaving her phone but makes a big deal out of having it on her phone. I and meant important to her to have it on there. Not mad.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

for what it's worth, I agree with the other 2 posters.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

bryanp said:


> Your wife is in damage control mode. How does one forget one year?


She comes off the me that way. But I'm not sure what that means. Is she that worried more is going to make it worse. I've already told her that it can't get worse. She had an affair.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

rebelm said:


> She comes off the me that way. But I'm not sure what that means. Is she that worried more is going to make it worse. I've already told her that it can't get worse. She had an affair.


I quickly glanced over your other threads.

She's not ready to completely give up her lover. They have a long history together.

So, I dont think she's telling you everything.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't end up like me, told it happened "once" when in reality it was ongoing for 8 years a
ANd hidden for another 8.

If she's lying about it it is likely still ongoing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Neither D or R are easy, they both suck. What you have to ask yourself is this, considering all the facts of your situation, which of the two offers you the best chance of personally recovering from your wife's affair? Your emotional health is paramount and you need to make a wise choice in regards to it.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

aug said:


> I quickly glanced over your other threads.
> 
> She's not ready to completely give up her lover. They have a long history together.
> 
> So, I dont think she's telling you everything.


I've wondered that also. Been watching for another phone. I asked her to stay last night and she wouldn't. But we did have the physical fight that night. I've followed her a time or to as well. He did get pissed at her when I had her text the no contact. She can to me and said it was over. I had her do that in front of me with no warning. They broke it off for three months in the beginning of the year while he tried to save his marriage. The started back. I have proof of that. I've told her I have the same concern now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You have to tell his wife.

That will change the entire situation in your favors.

Inform the Om`s wife he`s having an affair with your wife.

Do it now.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

morituri said:


> Neither D or R are easy, they both suck. What you have to ask yourself is this, considering all the facts of your situation, which of the two offers you the best chance of personally recovering from your wife's affair? Your emotional health is paramount and you need to make a wise choice in regards to it.


A week ago D was an easy answer. Handing her divorce papers made her back up. Guess that answer has become hard this week.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

tacoma said:


> You have to tell his wife.
> 
> That will change the entire situation in your favors.
> 
> ...


They got divorced a few months ago. They both had affairs. I tried to contact her on FB. No answer but she rarely post. She never contacted me.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

And yes I guess I should have added that he has been divorced about three or four months. She has made no real attempts to see him anymore than she was. She has her opportunity to be with him all the time if she wants.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> Don't end up like me, told it happened "once" when in reality it was ongoing for 8 years a
> ANd hidden for another 8.
> 
> If she's lying about it it is likely still ongoing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn. If she were to have cheated for 16 years, you would be approaching my twenty years of deceit.
The lying is what gets me. How do they do it for so long and even find a way to place the blame on the betrayed spouse when the jig is up.?
Since I was able to establish that mine started cheating after the first six moths of our marriage by finding out that I wasn't her son's father, I think it has been a "game" that she enjoys and it was caused by something that she was exposed to long before I ever met her.
If you have to lie every day to your alleged SO in order to get through the day, I should think you might want to try living without the burden of having to be with them, at all.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Any kind of remorse while T/Ting is not a true remorse. If she does not fess up voluntarily, then you must at least force her to. This will not only help you heal but also help her deal with what she has done and move forward. 

I would demand polygraph.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You and your wife have been fighting for so many years. Now you know why. She had someone else in her heart and on her mind during her marriage to you.

You are in your early forties. Do you really want to spend the next 30 years fighting with her?


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