# need advice



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have been married to my husband for over 9 years and though at times its been rocky, we do well. we have our fights, mainly he gets mad at me for misunderstanding him or he says that i try to control him. I am not sure, most of our fights end up both of us blowing up at each other and we calm down and talk about it. well, i am 7 months pregnant, IVF, couldnt get pregnant before and though my husband was indifferent about it, he seems happy now and keeps on saying how he wants to live for his son, he doesnt matter, usual stuff. 
well, recently, he went on a trip with some co-workers, one of them a young associate that they recently hired. i was talking to him today about some charges on his credit card and one of them seemed like a purchase for 2 ppl. i asked who it was for, he said it was for the girl. i said, well, i dont think you are responsible for paying for her food, you are not her boss. he said that their manager said to keep things together and he will get reimbursed for it. I said, well, you shouldnt do this cuz this is the second time he has paid for her meal. i work but my male co workers never buy me food. anyhow, he got mad and basically was saying that he cant even breath in a room with another woman because i raise hell. yes, i am insecure about things. my father and brother in law both cheated on my mom and my sis. but should he get mad? cant he just understand that I am insecure about this and help me out? he says that he is loyal and would never cheat on me and that my insecurities are my problem and i should deal with them. I dont know what to do. I try talking to him but for some reason, he doesnt understand my point of view. i dont know what to do.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Hummm, I think what you're telling him if he is truly scheming or, is in fact unfaithful, to do everything in cash.

Is this is the extent of what has you suspicious or are there other things?


----------



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

SpinDaddy said:


> Hummm, I think what you're telling him if he is truly scheming or, is in fact unfaithful, to do everything in cash.
> 
> Is this is the extent of what has you suspicious or are there other things?


I don't know! I have seen his pictures with his co-workers where his arm was behind another co worker who was a female and when I told him, he got mad. He also used to drink and watch porn movies and told me he won't drink again and porn movies are just movies. We both come from a very religious background and we are not supposed to drink and watch porn movies or put arms around opposite sex in a gathering where the other spouse is not present.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

Arora01 said:


> I don't know! I have seen his pictures with his co-workers where his arm was behind another co worker who was a female and when I told him, he got mad. He also used to drink and watch porn movies and told me he won't drink again and porn movies are just movies. We both come from a very religious background and we are not supposed to drink and watch porn movies or put arms around opposite sex in a gathering where the other spouse is not present.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He says he loves me and he is loyal and he would never do anything but at the same time, he is not very romantic, he is doesn't show a lot of love. He says that I try to control him too much when I tell him not to pay for another co workers meals and I am the problem and he will live for his son and he doesn't matter anymore. I am so confused. Is it love that he feels for me or just because I am pregnant now, he wants to be with me cuz of our kid. I'm so lost and confused and messed up in the head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He is right when he says that your insecurities are yours to manage, not his. He's not your dad or your brother. He shouldn't have to pay for their sins.

I don't see the harm in him paying for a co workers lunch, as long as he gets reimbursed there shouldn't be a problem.

You need to get some individual counselling to learn how to manage your insecurity.


----------



## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

There's not much to go on here. It does seem suss on one hand. I mean why does _he _have to pay the new girl's lunch/dinner bill and not one but two times?

I don't know, there's not enough information to ascertain whether he is cheating, which is basically what we're talking about here. He should be able to address your concerns without getting angry. How would he react if you had paid for the new guy's lunch/dinner twice?


----------



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> There's not much to go on here. It does seem suss on one hand. I mean why does _he _have to pay the new girl's lunch/dinner bill and not one but two times?
> 
> I don't know, there's not enough information to ascertain whether he is cheating, which is basically what we're talking about here. He should be able to address your concerns without getting angry. How would he react if you had paid for the new guy's lunch/dinner twice?


I actually have brought this up in the past. What would he do if I did this or how would he react if I did what he did. I don't get straight answer, it's mostly him getting mad cuz how dare I doubt his intentions. I have been married to him for over 9 years and I have yet to hear him admit as soon as he makes a mistakes. I always say sorry cuz I hold things inside until I just blow up one day. My husband loves to just ignore things and not talk about them or throw a tantrum cuz I misunderstood him and he never meant what he said or what he did. He then stops talking to me and ignores me cuz he wants to be alone. I swear, he is such a drama queen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arora01 (Feb 19, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> There's not much to go on here. It does seem suss on one hand. I mean why does _he _have to pay the new girl's lunch/dinner bill and not one but two times?
> 
> I don't know, there's not enough information to ascertain whether he is cheating, which is basically what we're talking about here. He should be able to address your concerns without getting angry. How would he react if you had paid for the new guy's lunch/dinner twice?


I don't think he is cheating on me but from past experiences with him, I am afraid of him rebelling and doing it. Once we got an argument, he left and came back drunk. His father also cheated on his mom so as you can see, we are a bad combination. We barely knew each other before we got married so we didn't know each other and I found out about his childhood and upbringing later on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm wondering if he was told to keep it all together why everyone elses meal isn't on there to. I would be concerned why he paid for her meal to. But I'm suspicious because of being cheated on and my husband would get overly upset about anything I asked to.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Assuming his actions were really innocent:

If you keep bring it up as an issue, he ight well adopt the attitude "If I'm going to continually be accused, then I might as well go ahead and do it!"


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

The fact that he gets so defensive/angry is a red flag.

Also the fact that his and your religion says "no porn" but he does it anyway and justifies it- red flag.

Do you have a church together? If so, I would inform the pastor of all of it and request help.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he is doing something that is upsetting to you, rather than getting defensive, his response should be concern for your feelings. The fact that his concern is for himself and he is making you feel bad for your worries shows a lack of concern for your feelings.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's strange in my opinion. One thing we need to know to understand whether he's being defensive because he's done something wrong, or defensive because he's sick of being accused of wrongdoing when he's done nothing wrong, is how often you seem suspicious of his behaviour? Are those two incidents, the lunches and the arm around waist things, the only two things you have brought up with him? Are you regularly jealous and suspicious or is this fairly rare behaviour?


----------

