# is she really done or is she confused or what??



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I have been with my wife 10 years now, been with her since she was 16 and now she says she is done, this has been going on over 2 months now and it was starting to look up untill about 3 weeks ago and i just kept pushing her and writing and stupid stuff like that over and over. Now i have made some significant changes in my life to better myself and i did them for myself and most importantly for her and our kids. But a few weeks ago she went from thinking about things through a mutual online friend/christian councelor to saying she was done not even in 6 months would she take me back. I have since backed off a lot only wrote her maybe a couple times at most and havent sent her as many gifts either and stopped saying i love you and such on the phone and things and just left the US part out of things and rarely talk to her. 
well this week has been one of them weeks you couldnt really avoid she was so upset with me she wasnt even saying good bye on the phone when id talk to her about the kids when id call to say goodnight to my son. well her Bday was the 25th i bought her a card that said "to the women id marry all over again happy birthday and on the inside it read through out all of lifes ups and downs and all of the love and changes one thing still remains the same you still mean the world to me. and i left a cake and a small puzzle and dropped off a dozen roses to her as well. That day we talked on the phone had a good laughing convo for a few which is by far longer then most we have had recently, then she called the next morning and talked about her Bday and that she got my gifts cause i had to drop them off at the house door.... and then tonight we talked and again it was more enjoyable again she has been even saying goodnight to me again over these last few convos on the phone..
we have a late family thanksgiving dinner on my side of the family this sunday where she is also getting a late surprize Bday party as well and we will spend a lot of time that day together with the kids as well again..
My biggest thing is im confused cause tonight when i called she had me go down to her house cause she was staying at her grandmas with the kids cause there all feeling sick, so she wanted me to go down and let the dogs out. Now for someone who says there done and was acting like she hated me till just a couple days ago anyways i would not have thought she would have kept the roses and put them in a vase i also a ways back left my journal there and yes on purpose i wanted her to see what was going on through my mind she said she was going to through it away if i left it but while there i see she had it on her keyboard to her computer and the card for her bday next to it and the roses in a vase right on top of the stove in plain sight and with the last few phone convos im confused cause i would not have thought she would have kept them , exspecially since the last few roses i gave her went into the garbage..
Am i grasping for straws here that dont exist or is she just confused or what or what should i think??? Is it normal for someone who is done done done with someone to keep roses from them and things like i have mentioned above or what???
Also she has not filed yet and she didnt do nothing on childsupport like she was suppose to earlier this week she went in and on her phone convo with me she told me i didnt have to worry about that which kinda saddened me and made me happy cause she needs the money for the kids , but i just said well that dont help you or the kids out none now does it , and then said well i guess you need to let me no what you are short on and if you need money for bills and things. And yes i have to ask her pride is in the way right now and wont let me help most the time atleast not till this last week anyways.. so i left some more diapers and cereal the next day for her for our kids ..
Please give me some of your thoughts on all this im starting to wounder if part of her confusion is me over the last couple months suddenly making the changes she always wanted out of me and that she is dragging her feet cause i have kept up with it and its almost a complete 180 turn or what is going on , i want to help her but i still want to work things out exspecially for our kids but i dont want to push her away or hurt her either,,is there anyone that can help or give me there thoughts on all this ??


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Come on plz give me your thoughts on this im dieing emotionally here and dont no which way to think or turn at this point need some good advise.... anyone please


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

My first thoughts are that, while it might seem like this has been going on a long time, perhaps it hasn't been so long for your partner. Perhaps she is starting to see things differently. Is there a role for Patience here?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Umm well the game if you look at my other post in general discussion kinda took me away from her and my kids for the last couple years and i no it wasnt all bad but she has it in her head now that it was 10 years of misery i pushed at first hard with letters emails and trying to talk to her over the last couple weeks im trying not to do a lot of that and make things more spaced out and not bringing up the US factor when we speak verbally, as for patience i have little of that sadly and im trying to be patient but i also feel like the clock is ticking all though she hasnt filed yet and i think mainly due to money cause i wont give it to her to file but will pay bills and help with the kids needs , but at the same time im not giving up either , but to her i no these changes in me seem like a complete 180 and i no cause she kicked me out over that evil game a year and a half ago but only for a week that she dont trust the changes either.. if you want to no what game its called world of war craft i was totally sucked into it and centered my life around the thing even pushed family away from me with it,, i have given up the game gave it to a 14 year old boy on the web and since went into counceling and read self help books and do things like this here now to help with keeping focused on things , i no i wont change back cause this time when she kicked me she actually left me out here to think and reflect and suddenly realization came into play on how badly the game took me away and how much her and the kids mean to me and how much my kids need me as the man i am today but she is stubborn and set right now it seems just to me when a week ago she was tossing roses in the garbage i would get her and now suddenly she is talking more on the phone and laughing and keeping my journal and cards and putting the roses on display now has me lost for thought i dont no what to think of that , to me a women that was truely done done done like she says i would think that she wouldnt bother to keep these things and such and im still looking for thoughts on this and advise.. i really dont no what to think she has even told people she would be blind not to see the changes she just dont trust them but also said to friends more my old friends then hers that she wouldnt take me back even in 6 months and what scares me more is she is talking with my cousin and she is no good for my wife they have different wants in life and my cousin hates me right now for reasons that are her own doing with her affairs in her marriage but somehow i became her scape goat and a couple weeks ago things went from looking up to going real bad cause she started putting a bunch of lies into my wifes head so i have been battleing with trust issues from that as well that shouldnt be there but has added doubt to my wifes mind as well  and that is truth , i have been with my wife 10 years not once have i strayed not once have i not given her anything she has asked for except money for this divorce and i dont believe in divorce and i will alway try to work things out and do what is needed to make the marriage work and be a happy one


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

But patience isnt something im good with either and im starting to wounder what she is thinking as well cause i no her bills are getting higher and harder to manage her and i both dont get to see the kids nearly enough and the house is always behind on chores since she is always at work and drives all the time to get the kids and spends little free time at home and it will get worse when she goes back to school and tries to work full time and i wounder if that will play a part in her mind as well but my biggest concern is her and the kids well being but she is so stubborn she almost wont let me help her with things at times either.. dont no what to say my situation is a mess to say the least but is correctable fast if she would just give it a chance,,


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## forwardtherapy (Nov 25, 2009)

How is it you are thinking that Patience isn't something you are good at? When did you first start believing this about yourself? Can you remember any times in your life in which you have been able to show Patience? What did Patience look like then?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Hmm that is a good question.. But i no right now i feel like there is a ticking time clock in the background slowly ticking away any hope of getting things back to the way things were before i got lost in a dam cursed online roll playing game... when things were fun and happy for years and there wasnt all this regret and pain from making the mistakes that came with it and what it is costing me.. So right now with little to no actual time with the wife and very little talks and when there is there always seems to be she is done then sends mixed signals on things or maybe im reading to far into it like tonight and our phone conversation where when she didnt want help with things suddenly she wants money and thinks i should have been giving it to her all along but yet was refusing my help when id ask and even though i take care of the kids needs i kinda woundered if she could do the finacial end of things the hole time yet cause she either 1 got mad when i offered or tried to help or 2 said she didnt want it 3 and said she wanted to do it alone and when id offer she got upset ..
and now she wants it yet saying there isnt no hope but i no the three of them my wife and 2 children mean the world to me and i wont give up even with the pain im living with and really i dont no cause she is such a stubborn women and i normally love that trait with her and she is set to do this atleast verbally right now and nothing i do is either good enough or right in her eyes and its driving me nuts i made changes that she even likes but resents and they were changes i needed to make but she also wanted before now that i have well she seems to resent it when i do things for her to help she gets upset and mad most the time yet suddenly she is keeping my gifts to her where they were going in the trash over a week ago and now wants help .. and patience right now i cant seem to always be able to keep myself from writing her a letter or sending her a email or anything cause i love her and care for her and our kids so much that im willing to do what ever it takes but not knowing how they are is killing me ... Its like say your kids were taken from you and you no where they are and you want to make sure there safe .. would you want to wait or go right then ??? that is how i feel almost all the time i can barely take being apart from them now and its eating me up on top of wanting to try to work things out with the wife but not being able to look in on your kids at night or see them play all the time when you want is a lot to take in right now, so im a bit short on patience all though im trying to be patient for her cause she wants space ....


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