# separated after 14 years



## whisper121276 (Nov 1, 2013)

Hi, new here, wondering if anyone else is in my kind of situation. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12 this month. Back in may we moved into his mother's house, she was wanting to live in her camper in the back yard and us take over the payments, she made it very stressful for me cause I couldn't keep her house clean enough for her, she expected me to even take out her trash that she would bring in from her camper and wash her laundry, I felt like she had us move in so I could be her free maid and I refused to do it and she started talking bad about me to her friends and even to our 11 year old daughter (I have 3 kids, 2 from a previous marriage). I complained alot since I was hurt, stressed out and unhappy living there, I only agreed to live there because my husband wanted that house really bad and even though I knew what it was going to be like (didn't expect it to be as bad as it was) I wanted him to be happy. He knew I wasn't doing too well there, even started seeing a councelor and was put on prozac. Anyway she had really got to me by some things she was saying and he acted like he didn't care, I asked him if he even wanted me there and he said he didn't know, that it seems like no matter what he does he can't make me happy and he put all the blame on me and he said he don't think he has any fault in it. Before we moved to his mothers we were living in another house that belonged to her that I think should be condemned, roach infested, floor falling through in the kitchen, pipes and electric all messed up, electric was a fire hazard and nearly had 2 fires. Anyway I started working on our marriage and going to counceling, I had quit complaining like he wanted and started taking care of things myself. We ended up moving back, he said he knew his mother wanted her house back for 2 months but by him keeping his mouth shut (he let his mom treat me and my kids however she wanted) that came out of this innocent and still gets the house (which really hurt that he could put his family through all the stress we went through just to get what he wanted). 2 weeks after we moved back and 3 months of trying to work on our marriage, which was one sided, he tells me it's not me it's him and that all he cares about is hunting and the kids. He left for the weekend hunting and me and the kids left 2 hrs away to stay with my brother. He was wanting me and the kids to stay in that crappy house and him go live with his mom and help me pay for bills. Every day I worried I might lose the kids for living there so I left. I can't drive (never learned) and I can't get a job since i'm tied down to taking care of my mother which i've been doing for 10 yrs now and he wants me to make it on my own so I can see what life is like for him. He was also going around telling people before we split up that he has a woman who wants him. I have very low self-esteem, got all my teeth pulled over a year ago and he never took me to get dentures. I'm working on losing weight. I feel like I can't get anyone else. Anyway, any advice?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

You have to stop being the victim. Get your $hit together and make a plan. Yes, even if it means leaving your mothers care to someone else, or figuring out a way to get paid for it.


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## whisper121276 (Nov 1, 2013)

Working on that and cant get paid for taking care of her until we get our own place, my mothers income and child support is all we have. I have never lived on my own before so its new for me and im learning. We have been seperated 8 days today and we have called on so many places and got to look at a couple, i was just looking for advice on what i could do. I have a food stamp appointment monday, my mother is trying to get on hud for us since i can't.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Whisper:

I am reaching out and giving you lots of hugs and kisses. I want you well, I mean well. I am sorry for my harsh words but please read and think about them ok?

Why are you so negative? Could it be that maybe your husband got tired of your negativity? It almost sounds whiny, have you taken accountability for your actions? 
I know you are going through a very difficult time, part of healing is to look at the bright side.
I will give you an example: You no longer have to be a maid to his mother. You can learn how to drive, isn't that exciting?? You can give yourself a make over!!!

Since you are separated and have children, go to your local Department of Human Services office and apply for help. Did you know you can free medical insurance (almost free) that can pay for your teeth? This insurance can also help pay for a good therapist so you can start building your self esteem!!

I know 14 years is a long time. It is time to be strong and do what makes Whisper Happy!!!


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## whisper121276 (Nov 1, 2013)

Didn't mean to sound whiny and yes I have admitted to my faults, there's faults on both sides and the negativity comes from all i've been through, not just the separation, been through alot before that and thank you for your post, I didn't realize I was being that way, I have thought about your reply alot and I do have alot to be positive about like I realized this morning that our daughter seems happier, she had attitude alot. Lots of broken promises were made to the kids. I was seeing a councelor before I left, I had only seen her twice and she was going to start trying to help me with my self esteem, maybe now I can work on that on my own since I don't have him around to put me down all the time now. I also started making plans with the kids for when we get our own place, we can have family night and such. I had already went to DHS, I have an appointment tomorrow for food stamps, medicade and TEA. Is medicade the insurance you were talking about? Thanks again and from here on out i'm going to work on me and be more positive, I deserve it and so do my kids


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yes it is, Medicaid. 
Depending on the state you live, this insurance will be able to help you with a lot of things. 
ALso, I know some states offer career assistant for mothers who receive help.
Do you know what you would like to do, career wise?
Someone gave me this advise "look at yourself in the mirror each morning and say to yourself: you are beautiful!"
Of course, you have to repeat it a lot to finally sink it but do it. 
We are all beautiful creations of God. 
We all deserve happiness.

Good luck!


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## whisper121276 (Nov 1, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> Yes it is, Medicaid.
> Depending on the state you live, this insurance will be able to help you with a lot of things.
> ALso, I know some states offer career assistant for mothers who receive help.
> Do you know what you would like to do, career wise?
> ...


I thought it was spelled medicaid lol, seen so many people spell it medicade. Well I could have gotten TEA which they help you get a job and train you for work but I couldn't do it cause i'm taking care of my mother, after we find a place she'll be evaluated to see if I can get paid to take care of her. I haven't been doing the mirror thing yet but I have been working on myself and being alot more positive thanks to you You made me see that i've been a negative person for way too long. Also the state is Arkansas


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I didn't mean to call out on you, sometimes we do not know how bad we treat ourselves until someone points it out to us.
Be positive and loving to yourself. You will learn to know and not take if someone mistreats you.

If you ever need more cheerleaders or to know that you are worth it, look at your children and look at all the wonderful things you are doing for your mother.
You are a good and valuable woman. Never forget that.


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