# Absent husband



## lonerwife (Sep 9, 2009)

I am 50 years old and have been married for almost 11 years. My husband got back into motocross in the 3rd year of our marriage after a long hiatus from it.

He is gone at least half the weekends of the year for racing. I do go with him occasionally. I can't go every time because of the responsibility of taking care of the household chores that I can't do during the week because I work full time. 

I feel alone and lonely a lot of the time. I feel that he'd rather be doing his hobby than spending time with me at home or doing this as a couple.

There have been many discussions about both of us compromising, me going to more races and him spending more time at home, but nothing has worked yet and I'm becoming resentful of the time I am alone.

Any advice from anyone would be appreciate.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, I'm not really sure what your options are except to 1) accept it and hope one day soon he'll stop the motorcross again or 2) leave. It sounds like the compromise angle is not working very well. 

The only thing I can say is that you do not have to make a decision at this very moment. In the meantime why don't YOU find a weekend activity for yourself? You just might find that you enjoy this activity so much on your own that you may not feel so resentful of your husband having his activity. And you may even start enjoying the fact he is away every other weekend. 

How are things when he is home? Do you make the most of your time together? Does he make you feel like a priority on the weekends he is not away? I'm just wondering if it's not necessarily about you being lonely when he is away but you being lonely when he isn't.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Get a hobby and a maid. your husband is enjoying life and u should join him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Screw the housework. Go with your man. Every time he goes. Seriously. 

Sigh. I've told my wife this a million times and she still stays at home and whines while I go out and live life. If he's doing motocross every other weekend, then you should go along. And find your own hobby for the other weekends and drag him along. Or....buy a bike and join him.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

lonerwife said:


> I feel that he'd rather be doing his hobby than spending time with me at home or doing this as a couple.


IrishGirlVA already asked, and what it's like when he is home. Also what is like when you do go with him? Do you like going?

Edit: And how often do you go now?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Every other weekend sounds like a compromise, but only if the rest of your marriage is OK.

Are there things you can do on those weekends? Surely household chores can wait a couple of days, no?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You said you can't go during the week because you work, does he work to? Or is he retired? IMO, if he is going during the week and weekends that might be too much. Maybe he needs to cut it down to certain weekends, and those are the times maybe you can go along. And if he is home any during the week, when you work, he can pitch in with helping with the chores so it can free up your weekends more.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I just noticed you registered 3 years ago as "Lonerwife". :-( Sweetie, you can't spend another 3 years, let alone 3 months, feeling lonely in your marriage. Time for some changes.


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## lonerwife (Sep 9, 2009)

Thank you all for your replies.

He does work full time, in fact we work at the same place in executive positions. He takes a lot of Fridays off in order to get racing. In fact a lot of times when the company owner comes in and has not been informed by my husband that he is going to be off, I'm the one who is asked where he went and why he didn't tell the boss.

When he is at home, a lot of his time is spend working on and doing maintenace on the bikes. We try to schedule date night but have to schedule them around bike nights. I do feel like his main focus is the racing.

I have hobbies, but they don't consume as much of my time as his does his time. So, yes, I could go with him more, but I'm just not that interested in motocross and by the same token, he could participate in my hobbies as well, but certainly doesn't make time to do that becuase he's not interested in mine, one of which is golf.

Another issue that recently came up is that he moved his parents from another town to where we live. They are staying with us while they house hunt. He has spent very little time with them since they've been here. I take them house hunting on the weekends. I love them as my own parents and love time with them, but they want time with him as well.

Honestly, I'm don't feel sorry for myself. I just didn't see myself doing what I'm doing at my age....waiting for my husband to come home. I know things don't always turn out the way you plan, but I did think that when we got married, we'd be spending more time together.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well, golf is not really a hobby. More like a bad habit! :rofl:


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Motocross racing...ugh...lol. My hubs and his brother were into this for quite a few years before his brother had health issues....

I would go with him probably 1/3 to 1/2 the time....for support...because if you aren't actually doing the racing or wrenching it can be BORING!!!!

Us girls used to get pretty loaded sitting around drinking beer because when our men weren't out doing thier motos...they were wrenching,chatting, etc...kind of boring for the ladies.

I am with the others...get yourself and weekend hobby that you can enjoy...go with Hubs once and a while (bring beer and a good book or game) for support.

I hope this helps. Motocross IS a very time consuming hobby...because I am into street bikes, I don't mind dirt racing once in a while.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

lonerwife said:


> Thank you all for your replies.
> 
> He does work full time, in fact we work at the same place in executive positions. He takes a lot of Fridays off in order to get racing. In fact a lot of times when the company owner comes in and has not been informed by my husband that he is going to be off, I'm the one who is asked where he went and why he didn't tell the boss.
> 
> ...


It sounds like he might be a little too focused on his hobby if everything revolves around it like date night and work. You need to find a way to feed your soul via a hobby. Work on yourself first and find a way to live life. Then when you are tuned in and living life you can then invite your husband along or find something that the both of you can get excited about. You say it’s not golf that he is interested in but perhaps there is something else that may engage him that you would also be interested in.

I understand both points of view. I was in your shoes for many years sitting at home being a babysitter for kids while the wife was doing something with another kid. A certain amount of resentment built up and when she was home the atmosphere was not what I wanted and my resentment only made it worse.

What broke the cycle was that I restarted an old hobby, climbing. This hobby fed my soul. My mood improved which in turn made the time we were together higher quality. In fact it worked like a lite 180 and shifted the temperature of our relationship. I became confident again and stopped smothering her which in turn reignited her interest in spending time with me.

However it caused other problems. Now I am like your husband, being away for weekends every other week in the summer frequently taking Friday or Monday off. But this now works for us because we have found ways to dovetail our hobbies so that they complement each other. Her hobby is Scouting and it is something I became involved in which enriched our relationship. I actually became the Scoutmaster of our sons Troop for a while. She doesn’t climb but she will come on climbing trips and deal with the base camp. Sometime she comes along and I split climbing and doing other tourist things with her. It is not so much compromise but finding ways to enjoy life together.

So translated into your world when he has a trip out of town for a motocross event, make plans to go and visit a golf course there. If he doesn’t want to go, find someone to play with yourself. But then make plans to share your day with each other at the end of the day.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, golf is not really a hobby. More like a bad habit! :rofl:


You hit on what may be an underlying reason for the disconnect. One hobby is adrenaline filled excitement while the other is relaxing to stressful precision control. They are each being fed by different aspects of their hobbies which makes finding overlap difficult.

You should know that reading a golf shot is every bit as mentally challenging as route finding and with lightening considered it is probably as risky as well.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"Honestly, I'm don't feel sorry for myself. I just didn't see myself doing what I'm doing at my age....waiting for my husband to come home."

These words have to be spoken to your husband. If he doesn't take them seriously, you need to move on with your life.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its ok to have a hobby and enjoy it, but not love it so much that the marriage falls by the wayside because of it.


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