# In need of advice!!! I feel like I am going crazy after my h affair!!!!



## sfethan (Jul 26, 2012)

Hi All
I have been married for 16 1/2 years to a man whom I started dating during my seventh grade year... We have four children that range in age from 16 to 5, my marriage has never been an easy place but I love my husband with all my heart and probably always will!!! My family was a very disfunctional place growing up and I couldn't wait to get out. I became pregnant my senior year of high school and got married before I graduated. Three weeks after getting married my mother in law pased away leaving behind a 7 year old for us to take care of...I never thought twice of raising my sister in law as my own, we were very close like mother and daughter.. My husbands abuse started prior to us getting married and continued for many years physically and mentally. He was always gone doing his own thing while I raised our family on my own.. He is a functioning alcoholic. This was ok for many years even though I hated him going out without me it kept him away from me and the kids so the fights weren't as frequent. I thought our lives were doing some better and the abuse had slowed way down and he was actually home more. Then 2 1/2 years ago I noticed he was starting to act very strange and I started getting scared for me and the kids. He eventually went into a hospital where they labeled him as a manic depressive/bipolar. Prior to going to the hospital he accused me of having an affair, of our youngest child not being his, and me being pregnant by another man. None of which was true!!! I stayed by his side through the hospital stay even though he was delusional and told the hospital I was trying to kill him, etc. it broke my heart to see him like this!!! He came out with a medication he was suppose to take and that lasted a short while because he could not drink on it!!! Everything just kinda was forgotten he never apologized or hardly even wanted to talk about it, so i didn't!!!!! This year in march he started again accusing me of having an affair with my own nephew and a friend!!! He also started acting very strange again!!! I had told him during the last episode if he ever put his hands on me again I would leave and I meant it!!! He came home from working nights and thought someone had been at the house so we were fighting and he kicked me with his steel toe boot!!! I asked him to leave and of course he wouldn't so me and the kids did!! He eventually left after me paying for an apartment for him for three months in advance, just so me and the kids could go back home. During this time he insisted he wanted a divorce and I felt like I couldn't make him happy or continue to deal with the physical and emotional abuse. So I gave him the 3 thousand dollars to file for a divorce. I was doing ok with out him, then our 16 year old got hurt and was in the hospital!!! Long story short he ended up back at home, under the conditions of us going to counseling and him staying on his meds. During the time of us getting back together I found a receipt with a number on it!!! It was to a friend from high school I have never cared for. Needless to say after confronting him he admitted to talking to three of his previous girlfriends!!! One on them he talked to over 3000 times in the three months he was on his on!!! The others were each like 20-30 times each. He swears nothing physical ever happened with any of them, and I have talked to the one he talked to the most and she swears nothing ever happened either!!! I DO NOT BELIEVE either one of them!!! We have continued to go to marriage counseling weekly and somedays I can make it almost through without thinking about it, but somedays are just to hard!!!! My husband will not talk to me about what they talked about or their relationship, I feel like if I knew everything I might be able to forgive him easier. He never wants to talk at all.. I feel like he is staying with me because financially its easier!!! The marriage counselor says he doesn't know if he will ever change and that I need to start looking out for myself!!!! This breaks my heart I love him more than I love myself, but I also want to be happy and have someone care about my feelings and needs for once.... Will I ever get over the EA?? Should I get over it??? Why do I continue to stay... I want to feel like someone wants me so bad... I just wish he could see how much I love him and change for me!!!! I feel like our sex life has been one of the things to keep us together all these year, because even during our roughest times we have continued to have sex at least twice a week... But I want it to mean more than it does now... I am so confused on what to do!!! I am so scared that I already know what everyone's answers are going to be!!! I know our lives are crazy but they have worked for me all these years I just hate to give up now!!!!! But I want to feel wanted... Any help is welcomed!!!!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Wow.

Firstly, your situation sounds intense and I am sorry that it has come to this for you.

I'll be honest and say that I think you need individual therapy, not counselling.

I believe you might have a version of "Stockholm Syndrome".

I know what it feels like to be desperately in love with someone who only ever seems to harm you, although my situation is not in the same league as yours.

You need to get out of this relationship.

Please, get some help and get yourself away from this "man".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Wow.
> 
> Firstly, your situation sounds intense and I am sorry that it has come to this for you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## sfethan (Jul 26, 2012)

I have never heard of the "Stockholm syndrome" but you can bet as soon as I post this I will be looking it up!!!! Somedays I feel the same way that I need to get out, but most days I just want my marriage to work and for my husband to realize what he has!!! I am not saying I do not have my share of problems...ex: I devote my life to helping others around me, he says I never stop moving but I feel like I have to be to keep up with the housework, four kids, six animals, a full time job, coaching soccer for my 5 year old, and running my other three to high school practices for their various sports!!!! I always wanted a family and wanted a devoted husband... I can but aside all of the past abuse and learn to get thru it but this affair I feel like I can't let go of!!!! Which is not normally me, I usually can forgive a lot of things and have!!!! I just wish I knew how to get thru this and make it go away!!!! I feel like 2 years ago I wasn't strong enough to even be able to say most of this to anyone, my parents live three doors down and have no clue how bad things have really always been!!! But I feel myself wanting to make things change more everyday!!! I have started doing more for myself on occasion such as keeping my nails done, getting highlights every once in awhile, losing 35 pounds, and he hates every bit of it!!! Somedays I think I am just making the situation worse by wanting to get help, at least before I made myself believe he was happy and just not able to be a normal husband because of his alcoholism and bipolar... But was I really ever happy??? I am so lost in my life right now!!! I have never thought about other people but here lately I find myself thinking how things would be if I was this person or that person. I have sexually only ever been with my husband and one other man prior to getting married years ago!!! So I really don't know what else there is but it seems like there has to be more out there!!! But then I always hear every relationship has its own oroblems!!!! What do I do??? Lost


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi again,

I really think the only way you can do this is with outside help.

Honestly, you sound like an ideal wife and I am sure many betrayed husbands on here pray for a loyal, giving, wife such as you. Not to belittle the connection you feel with your husband, but don't do yourself down.

Get a therapist. Somebody who can work with you and find out what is making you stay with your husband.

If it's love then fair's fair, but it sounds more complicated than that to me.

You know in an aeroplane when they go through the drill for if the oxygen masks come down? They say that, first you have to get your own mask on as before you can help others you have to help yourself.

Perhaps that is what your life is like now. You need to help yourself before others - otherwise everyone goes down.

Take care and keep posting.


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