# I'm new, and I need help. Please, help me.



## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that my boyfriend slept with another woman. We're trying to work through things, but I don't know where to start. We can't afford couples therapy at the moment either.

We're not married, but we've been dating for nearly 4 years. We are common-law at the moment since out of the 4 years, we've been living together for 2.

So, I guess I'll start with a bit of a background on me.. My first boyfriend was abusive to me in every way. He also cheated on me numerous times. I was with him for 3 years and 8 months. I've never really talked about the things he put me through, so I never really had the chance to heal. Because of that, I brought a lot of baggage into my current relationship. I was very controlling in the beginning. I also suffer from 2 anxiety disorders, which are generalized anxiety and social anxiety. All of these factors make my current relationship very complicated, I suppose.

So, my boyfriend confessed to me about 2 weeks ago that he slept with my friend in May. She is 34, and married. My boyfriend and I are both 23 years of age. I was extremely upset, and shocked. I couldn't believe that he would do such a thing. He's a very kind, caring and respectful man. He's really such a gentleman, and I never thought he would be capable of doing such a thing.

Of course, I started bawling and went to call my Dad. He came and got me, and I spent the night at his place. I went back home to my place to talk with my boyfriend the next day, which was a bad idea. I was angry, and throwing things all over and crying every 5 to 10 minutes or so. I even took some of my anxiety medication so that I could go to sleep and not feel the hurt.

It's been 2 weeks since he confessed what he did to me. I asked him why he had cheated, and he told me that he's been unhappy for a long time because he feels as though I don't love him. The reason he feels this way is because we have no intimacy. Because of my past relationship, I was afraid to get hurt and so I pushed my boyfriend away every chance I had. I wouldn't kiss him, and we would have sex twice a month if we were lucky. I wouldn't tell him I love him, and I couldn't tell him why I loved him when he asked me. I've been this way with him a little before we moved in together. So, it's been over 2 years since I've been having intimacy issues.

He knows about my past relationship, and that I've been abused and cheated on before. He knows that I have anxiety disorders. He told me that he just lost his patience with me, and thought our relationship was over. 

He's telling me not to blame myself for what he did, that it was entirely his choice. He says it was a huge mistake, and he feels as though he failed me. He cried for the 1st few days. Right now, he tells me he realizes now that he still loves me more than anything, and he feels blessed that I'm still with him, and that he'll do whatever it takes to make things right between us.

I do want to make things right. I love him. I really do. But.. I don't look at him the same way anymore. I thought he was my hero, my knight in shining armor who came and saved me from all of the abuse. Now I feel like I'm living the same thing all over again -- the anxiety, the paranoia, the obsessive thoughts.

If he's late coming home from work, I pace the floor and have a panic attack. If he doesn't call me on his work break, I cry and feel as though he's not going to come home.

I feel like he's going to turn around and tell me he no longer loves me, and doesn't want to be in this relationship or work through it anymore.

He knows how I feel. I've told him over and over, and I've been crying non-stop these last few days. He just sits with me, and looks so remorseful. Just says over and over that he's so sorry, and that he loves me.

I can't stop thinking about her. She was my friend. I've known her for 3 years. I couldn't believe she would put a move on my boyfriend. And now every time I lay beside him at night, all I can think of is her, and how he was inside of her, and close with her, kissing her instead of me. I can't get the image out of my mind.

We've been trying to re-connect. We spent yesterday together by going for a walk, talking about work and other things, playing our favorite video games together and watching a movie. We've also been apartment hunting since he cheated on me at our current place and everything reminds me of it. He wants to take me out on a date Tuesday. 

I guess.. I just need guidance. I don't know what to do from here. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to act. It's actually almost 7 AM, and I'm up here writing this because I couldn't sleep. I look at him beside me and I start to cry.

I just don't know how to get over this, how to get the image of her and him together out of my head, or even how to trust again.

As I had mentioned.. he was my knight in shining armor. Now I'm not sure who he is anymore, or what he's capable of. 

My heart is broken.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

Anyone?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Oh my God, I'm sorry you're going through this but instead of jumping in some other girl's legs he should have communicated you his concern and/or break up with you.
What he did has no excuse, even though you haven't been a perfect girlfriend for him.
The fact that he did it once won't be a problem for him to do it again as soon as he sees that you're not meeting his needs. So please, be careful.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

That's what I'm so afraid of.

He's never been this type of person. He's been cheated on before by an ex, so he knows what it feels like. He's been faithful to all of his other girlfriends. He's also a very kind, loving, respectful and polite person. This is the first time he's ever done something like this, and I can tell he truly feels awful and disgusted about it.

I just want to work through it somehow.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Since he can cheat on you, he is not into you.

Not married, so move on.

You're 23 years old. Lots of time to work on yourself, to build up your self-esteem.

Learn how to read people.

When you are happy with yourself, the boyfriends you'll attract will be of higher quality.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

I forgot to add that I guess it only lasted 4 or 5 minutes. He lost his hard-on half way through out of guilty and shame and couldn't finish. Not that it makes it any better, but meh.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Espoir said:


> That's what I'm so afraid of.
> 
> He's never been this type of person. He's been cheated on before by an ex, so he knows what it feels like. He's been faithful to all of his other girlfriends. He's also a very kind, loving, respectful and polite person. This is the first time he's ever done something like this, and* I can tell he truly feels awful and disgusted about it.
> *
> I just want to work through it somehow.



No he doesnt. He was exploring the MILF factor.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't know.

When he confessed to me, he was crying. He's not a crier. He stayed up all night once I was gone and couldn't sleep. I guess he slept on my side of the bed. He's been telling me every day since he confessed that he's truly sorry, that he loves me, that he feels as though he failed me, he didn't know what he was thinking, he should have talked to me but didn't know how, he made a mistake, he's disgusted with himself.

He even went to 1 therapy appointment, since it was all we could afford.

He's expressed to me time and time again that he is truly sorry and really wants to make this work somehow, and that he'll do whatever it takes. So I'm just looking for advice on what to do now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And, he violated your (previous) friendship with the older woman. 

Also he slept with a married woman.

These 2 and and the cheating on you are the 3 key barriers he leaped over. 

You need to feel lucky he showed his true self now. Gives you an advanced warning the type of person he is.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The fact that he was cheated on, yet he decided to cheat on you is VERY DISAPPOINTING. He should have known better because he knows what it feels like. 
So I can say he's pretty immature. 



Espoir said:


> I forgot to add that I guess it only lasted 4 or 5 minutes. *He lost his hard-on half way through out of guilty and shame and couldn't finish.* Not that it makes it any better, but meh.


You don't know it. That's what he SAID. So don't take it for a real fact.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Espoir said:


> I forgot to add that I guess it only lasted 4 or 5 minutes. He lost his hard-on half way through out of guilty and shame and couldn't finish. Not that it makes it any better, but meh.



Cheaters lie.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)




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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

On a positive note, I would see this as an opportunity for you to work on yourself.

Do some volunteer work. Take some classes. Take up a hobby. Take up martial arts. Build yourself up.

When you find you're part of something noble, you'll be happier.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Espoir said:


> I forgot to add that I guess it only lasted 4 or 5 minutes. He lost his hard-on half way through out of guilty and shame and couldn't finish. Not that it makes it any better, but meh.


I'm going to bullsh*t on this one. This guy needs to man up to what he did.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.

I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.

Idk. Just hurt right now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You need to tell her husband. Take your boyfriend along and let him tell her husband.

Do NOT tell the your woman friend ahead of time that you are going to do this.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Espoir said:


> Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.
> 
> I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.
> 
> Idk. Just hurt right now.


Reading this made me throw up!!!
How dare he insults your intelligence by telling you the crappy scenario!!
Even if this was true, if he had been enough of a MAN, he would have left a room IMMEDIATELY without giving her a second chance and would have told her to stop right away.

But no, he chose to stay and give her not one but 3 chances 'til he let himself go. 

He thinks you're stupid? Show him you're not!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Espoir said:


> Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.
> 
> I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.
> 
> Idk. Just hurt right now.


Poor little thing was raped... He should report her to the police...


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

She's in love with him after one intimate act? She will leave her husband for a guy who (so he says) told her it was a mistake? Sounds highly suspicious. I suspect it has been going on a while and she maybe threatened to tell you, hence his trickle truth 'confession'
She is not your friend. Yes tell her husband.
With regards to your boyfriend, only you can decide if you could ever trust him again, but he needs to tell you the whole truth and be completely transparent. If this betrayal is nor something you can accept you need to move on without him, it's hard but you are young and you will be OK.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her husband. In fact have your BF tell her husband with you.

Also this doesn't add up. If she couldn't get him hard or finish him, do you think she'd really be back for more?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you should dump him and get tested for STDs.

Also, find this chick's husband and tell her that she cheated on him. Do so w/o any prior warning to your boyfriend or to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It probably didn't go down the way he told you it did. 
Notice he places all of the blame on her. Like he had no part in it. Yeah, right. He's not owning it yet.

The fact she's saying she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him means they were prob fooling around for awhile. People don't just randomly fck someone on a whim and claim they want to leave their spouse for someone else.

Have you talked to he at all? Does she know you know?

She is not and was never your friend if she did that. Cut them 
both out of your life and out her to her husband.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Espoir said:


> I forgot to add that I guess it only lasted 4 or 5 minutes. He lost his hard-on half way through out of guilty and shame and couldn't finish. Not that it makes it any better, but meh.












That rates like the one this member said his WW claimed OM inserted his penis in her for 10 seconds only, then she stopped because she was guilty, yet she got herpes out of it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Espoir said:


> I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that my boyfriend slept with another woman. We're trying to work through things, but I don't know where to start. We can't afford couples therapy at the moment either.
> 
> We're not married, but we've been dating for nearly 4 years. We are common-law at the moment since out of the 4 years, we've been living together for 2.
> 
> ...


I am sorry he cheated. He may need/want sex more than twice a month so instead of cheating, he should have tried to work on the problems in your marriage.

Yes, I am sure she was the initiator. Same thing happened to me when I was your age (23) - the "older" neighbor upstairs had the hots for my boyfriend & seduced him.

I got the same "I'm so sorry, etc." & forgave him because I loved him so much.

The next cheating opportunity came up 3 weeks later, again I forgave. The 3rd (that I knew of) was an overnight beach trip (that I was invited to but couldn't attend) with some random "strange" & then I woke up & left him.

Cheating is very serious. Other will chime in.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No woman goes that long for a failed, out of the blue, 4-5 min ONS. No way! Put yourself in her mind. Is it possible? Unlikely It was not a one time thing out of the blue. They had an EA for a while, maybe F2F, maybe by phone, by email..., that's why he was confortable asking her to come home "to talk", that's why she's deeply attached to your BFF. That's why she's ready to leave her husband and keep trying he leaves you for her. It happened with time, bonding about their miserable relationships. It's almost a cliche. Which culminated(?) with that ONS. Maybe PA is also more than he confessed. They always minimize (they do it to save their asses except they "believe" is to spare you further pain).
Check up the phone bill, keylog the PC to be sure the are not keeping it underground (specially if MOW suddenly stopped the stalking), get A VAR, investigate.
Once the snooping tools are displayed demand him to send a NC letter (there are templates here, you need to aprove the wording, he needs to send it with you present) and provide you with complete transparence of comunication devices, password to his email accounts and to social sites, etc. No relationship cna be built with a third party in the mix. So be sure the are NC forever.
Then tell him he needs to come clean about how and when it started, how developed and how it ended, the full - real- story. A full disclosure to your entire satisfaction. No relationship can be built on lies and secrets. 

Also, her husband needs to be told. About the allegued failed ONS, about her wanting to leave him for your BFF, her staking behavior... Tell him about all you know and wait for the sh!t hi the fun.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Espoir said:


> Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.
> 
> I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.
> 
> Idk. Just hurt right now.



In this account of how things went down and you replaced the "she" with "he" that will be her side of the story when the OW is confronted by her husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, it seems to me that you both failed each other.

However, from that mutual failure -you both know what you did that was wrong- you can, if you both wish, create and build on a stronger, better relationship and marriage. 

Good luck to you both!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> That rates like the one this member said his WW claimed OM inserted his penis in her for 10 seconds only, then she stopped because she was guilty, yet she got herpes out of it.


Might be true. The guilt I suddenly felt stopped me even before I had started having sex with the OW.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Espoir said:


> He's telling me not to blame myself for what he did, that it was entirely his choice. He says it was a huge mistake, and he feels as though he failed me. He cried for the 1st few days. Right now, he tells me he realizes now that he still loves me more than anything, and he feels blessed that I'm still with him, and that he'll do whatever it takes to make things right between us.


I heard this from my WW the first time I caught her having an EA. I believed her, turned into a PA shortly after that. I believe that he doesnt wan't to lose the comfort of you at home, but wants to go out and have his fun. 

No matter the issue, cheating is never an excuse. He should have come to you first. 

I have not read the entire thread so I'm sure someone should have suggested it, but you should leave him. He's not going to help you with your issues. 

You're not married, doesnt sound like kids are involved. You have your own issues you need to work on and they aren't going to get better with someone who truly isnt there to support you. Focus on you, get your self-esteem back and then go find someone who values you for you and wont go sleep with another person because the relationship has issues.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I would have told you to leave him when he got abusive. He things he has you under his thumb. That's usually how abusive boyfriends / husbands work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

What your boyfriend did is very damaging to a relationship. I don’t buy his whole story. 

You said that 
“He's been faithful to all of his other girlfriends. He's also a very kind, loving, respectful and polite person.”

If that is really true then maybe he is really sorry and will make it up to you. He will have to show that by his actions for years.

As for you getting married to this man or any man I would say this.
Your chances of having a very fulfilled and long term successful marriage is slim to none and slim may have left the building.

My guess is that you are a very good person but you do have some real relationship killer issues that you described yourself. This is what you said below


> *Quote of Espoir*Because of my past relationship, I was afraid to get hurt and so I pushed my boyfriend away every chance I had. I wouldn't kiss him, and we would have sex twice a month if we were lucky. I wouldn't tell him I love him, and I couldn't tell him why I loved him when he asked me. I've been this way with him a little before we moved in together. So, it's been over 2 years since I've been having intimacy issues.
> 
> Now I feel like I'm living the same thing all over again -- the anxiety, the paranoia, the obsessive thoughts.



Espoir
Your issues do not justify the betrayal of your boyfriend. However, unless you address these issues you will have fractured relationships. I do not say this to be mean but no healthy person is going to be able to have a long term loving relationship with your actions and attitude.

I know that your actins are not your fault but that does not count. *What counts is that you get it fixed or your relationships will be much fractured.*


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Espoir said:


> Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.
> 
> I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.
> 
> Idk. Just hurt right now.


So he was crying, she took his pants of and guided him into her?

Okay guys, show of hands. How many of us can get a hard on while we are crying? Anyone?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

sandc said:


> So he was crying, she took his pants of and guided him into her?
> 
> Okay guys, show of hands. How many of us can get a hard on while we are crying? Anyone?


*crickets*


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

StagesOfGrief said:


> *crickets*


My point exactly.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Espoir said:


> Not that it matters, but I guess she came on to him. He said he didn't know how to talk to me about our problems, so he invited her over as a friend to talk. He said he was upset and crying, and she made a move on him. He said he pushed her off, and she apologized and let him continue to talk. Then he said she sat on him, and he pushed her off again and said no. She said sorry again. Then I guess she took off her pants, and his and guided him into her. He said he let it happen, and he didn't know why. He said it was over in 5 minutes, he didn't finish, sent her home and looked at himself in the mirror and asked himself what the heck he just did.
> 
> I guess she's also been parking up the street from our place, and has been telling him that she loves him and wants to leave her husband for him. She wanted to sleep with him again, and he told her no, he felt horrible, he loves me and wants to make it right. She begged him not to tell me, and he told her he was going to.
> 
> Idk. Just hurt right now.


That's the most obvious 100 percent attempt at trying to spin the truth I have ever heard. Mam you are trying to rug sweep this. If you believe that story for one second you need to seriously examine whether you are in an emotional state to be making relationship decisions. 
You have been betrayed by the person you trusted most. He is playing on that and is trying to spin things to make you second guess yourself.

You need to get away for awhile and stop letting this guy whisper in your ear.


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## Espoir (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone, for reading and responding.

I let him know that I felt as though he wasn't telling me the complete truth about what happened, and if he could admit to cheating, the least he could do is to admit to how it all actually happened.

He told me that he feels as though he failed me, and he wishes he could go back in time and take it back. He says he swears up and down on everything that it was only that one time, that he has never cheated on me with anyone else or more than that one time. He says they flirted a bit at work, and he didn't turn her down because he wanted the female attention since he wasn't getting it from me. He said he's so sorry for not talking to me, that he was a coward, and he made the mistake of cheating on me instead of communicating with me how he felt. He said he really felt as though he didn't love me anymore at the time and he thought we were going to be breaking up. He said once they had finished and she had left, it all hit him at once and he felt like a failure. He said he realized then how much he still loved me and wanted to be with me, and that's when he broke it off with her. He said he told her he still loved me, and didn't want to see her anymore, and that he was going to tell me what happened, he just wasn't sure when.

I spent the night at my Dad's since I was upset. I came home today to get some stuff. His mom was talking with me, and told me that he called her when I left, and she went over. She told me she knew what he did, that he confessed to her about what he had done to me, and that he was a huge mess. She said she's never seen him like that before, and he knows he made a mistake.

He says he understands if I don't believe him, and he knows that if I stay with him, it'll take a long time for me to trust him again and he's fine with that. He told me he feels like ****, disgusted with himself. He says over and over that he failed me, and he's so sorry, that he messed up the best thing in his life and that he's willing to do anything it takes for me to stay with him and work things through. He said he'd do couples therapy, individual therapy, anything. He keeps telling me he loves me so much, and wants to be with me so much, and that from now on he's going to be open and honest with me about everything, and communicate his feelings, and go to therapy to learn how to communicate his feelings.

I'm so confused right now. I still love him, so much. And I want to believe him so bad. He has an appointment for therapy already too. My cat just got super sick as well and he even dished out 500 for me to get my kitty surgery. He said he wouldn't have done that for me if he didn't love me or want to be with me.

Sigh.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He may feel truly remorseful or he may not. I would advise you not to make any decisions quickly. Take your time and really think about things. He cheated on you before you even got married. Are you sure you want to chance dealing with this later when you have joint property or children to have to deal with? 

When I was dating my wife I showed her the very best side of me I could. I tried to be better than I really was to impress her. If this is what he does during this "trying to impress you" stage of your relationship, what's he going to do when you've settled into marriage and the honeymoon is over?

Just think things over...


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