# My Adopted Daughter or My wife



## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

We adpoted 3 kids 7 years ago, and knowing the oldest was abused and had some emotional issues we had to deal with. last year the oldest really started having big fits and yelling at her mom and threating her (she 12, looks 16, emotional 10yrs old) Ive always been able to set in and calm her down. Till last year I came ome from work and my wife told me that she moving to a treatment center in a large city, I was floored, knowing that she does need help I let S.S. take her. She done a 180 turn around and has been able to control most of her emotions and everyone says it time for her to be returned to home, My wife is not wanting her home and is dragging her feet, refusing to talk too her ect. My daughter and everyone talks daily to me on the phone and we are working on a plan to get out of the system because shes been there too long and has started AWOLing to get high with older boys. Shes only done this 2 times and they say to get her out of the city and back into her old life, I soo stuck because of my wife throw her away attitude which I'm refusing to give up on her just because of this incedent. Also my wife has been saying shes very unhappy and wants to leave, I said leave if you not happy I can take care of the kids. shes very controling and if i want too do something its always a fight and has concequences back on me, (eg if i bring the daughter home for a visit this weekend she will make demands that since she was her at this time she cant do this or cant do that, or try to over control her and micro manage her, its been hard. and will make up some excuse for not letting her come back the following weekend.) I'm really lost with protecting this child or bowing down to her demands and being misreable, Im not the type to give up after one problem, but Im at wits end with her demands. Thanks for reading my rant....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Its sounds like your marriage is suffering. I dont think you have to choose between saving your daughter or saving your marriage. It sounds like your marriage has other issues that need to be worked on, and the daughter is just an outlet for both of you to make a stand. 

I think you can save your marriage if you both start working towards being loving and respectful again.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Your daughter has been through so much in her life already....she needs someone to be her rock and guidepost. I can't imagine the stress that your wife must be under to make the decisions that she is making. 

First and foremost...choose your daughter. It sounds like your marriage needs a lot of help, but your daughter needs you right now. If your wife can't be a part of that, well, she is the adult, she can make the decision to leave. Maybe you guys can work on your underlying issues while separated.

Choose your daughter. She needs a hero in her life....be her hero.


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## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

Wow, Yes there are other issues in our marrage,the old Money, No sex, When I worked away I left her in contorl of our finances,they are a mess. I have taken a job in a city close by our town to be at home and see whats going on, I'm trying to regain control over parts of my life and standing up and defending all of my kids. (there are a 7 boy, 10 girl involved also, the other night she said shes keeping them.) I'm trying to communicate my feelings about everything but shes belittles them and says make a choice, Im feeling trapped and guilty all at the same time, I want to keep this marriage together, and parent all my adopted kids, however My wife has agreeed to let her return home, but if she messes up once shes done, and my daughters gone, My greatest fear is I'm shes gonna set her up for a failure just to prove shes right the girl is useless trash, I'm excited to get her back home, but afraid of the consequences that will follow.. I don't want it the way it was before she left, shes a changed girl I don't want to humiliate her with past mistakes but point out what good choices shes been making lately. I'm thinking I should be a hero too her, she does need someone too be her rock, someone in her corner. I wish my heart would quit pounding in my chest, and my head to stay focused.. I'm afraid what the future holds.....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

invisable1 said:


> I'm trying to communicate my feelings about everything but shes belittles them and says make a choice, Im feeling trapped and guilty all at the same time, I want to keep this marriage together, and parent all my adopted kids, however My wife has agreeed to let her return home, but if she messes up once shes done, and my daughters gone, My greatest fear is I'm shes gonna set her up for a failure just to prove shes right the girl is useless trash, I'm excited to get her back home, but afraid of the consequences that will follow....


Keep your mind in hero mode...you are doing the right thing for your children. Your wife's demands are unrealistic and indirectly threatening you with something out of your control (...if she messes up she's out). Here's what I would do:

Have your daughter return home & have regularly scheduled meetings with a counselor set up for her. Reinforce that your main goal in life is to send three happy, good people into the world and your job is to help her get there. Have conversations with her about her future, the choices she makes now, what she wants to be when she grows up, etc. and take an active role in talking about her options....college, beuty school, whatever she brings up (this may likely change down the road) but right now she will need to know she matters and what she does matters.

Talk to her about consequences. That you love her and want what is best for her, but you are all one family under one roof and you cannot tolerate any violence or disrespect in your home and will call 911 if you need to.

She may stumble and this is where your wife needs to get on board as her mom. You can agree with your wife to a point on what behavior is unacceptable (so as not to ignore her concerns) but reinforce that she is your daughter and you can't just throw that responsibility away because she is difficult to parent. She needs you both.

I honestly would take a stand here and lay out how it needs to go from here on out in order to keep your family together and strong. You stepping up will be key ~ your wife needs to know you are firm and strong when it comes to doing the right thing for all of your kids...

keeping the communication going with your daughter and your wife will be critical, epecially if your wife is home with the kids while you work...you need to get her on board.


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## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

Getting her on board is probally my biggest anxceity, as she constantly reminds me that if she messes up shes gone, I'm always quick to jump in and remind her that I will always be their for her and will never give up on her, I tough because I really do love my wife, but were grown apart and on seperate sides of the fence. Last night when watching TV we seen a ad for matching people on a website, I asked her if we would be matched if we signed up (e-harmony..lol) She said nope were complete opposites with totally diffrent ideas and goals. I realized I'm afraid of being alone. I dont want to put the kids threw any further trauma..... I love them and don't want to lose them, I guess I'm stuck, I am tring to comit however still struggleing to get my wife onboard, I think its easier for her to hate my daughter than miss her.....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

to me it sounds like your wife has a different parenting style then you. the tension between your wife and you is probably a result of neither of you feeling respected, plus the money issues and all the rest. 

I can imagine my H saying something very similar to what your wife said. he's an authoritarian. He demands respect and loves to punish. I am more like you, i just want to be the hero, and always want to be the 'rock' for the less able. i hate punishing. 

the irony is, if the marriage is ok, this arrangement can be really beneficial. My H balances out my enabler tendencies, and i balance out his unrealistic demands for respect. 

The problem is not that you parent differently but that you both feel the need to go to your extremes and hold your ground. You are an enabler. Your daughter will not get better with you. she will not get better with your wife. but if you can learn to respect each other and work as team, she might get better. 

I would suggest you work on your relationship with your wife. If you can figure out how to fix that, you will be able to help your daughter.


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## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

We are agreeing to disagree on our parenting styles of her, I want her to be less judgemental and more open to my daughters self expressionism as she explores in finding herself. The staff at her therapy home comment on how modest she dresses and always takes good care of her make-up and hair and clothing. My wife thinks she dresses trashy, I disagree, She wanted and got a nose ring with my permission and the S.W.'s permission.. My wife hates it, yet up to a year ago had a eye brow peircing. As I write this she is finally having her first visit with the therapist thats in charge of reunification, again I'm almost having a panic attack as to what shes gonna say or do, I gut feeling is she is going to try to destroy the relationship between my daughter and myself, by saying its UNhealthy for a daughter to like or talk too much too her father.. (fkin bull**** i think) My daughter talks to me knowing I dont judge what shes saying gioving her freedom to truly say whats on her mind without fear or repercussion, however if she does disclose stuff thats damaging or about high risk behavior then I do let the S.W. know whats going on.. We are to have visits every weekend and my wife is shutting them down with excuses.. And making me feel bad for wanting them, My daughters Bio sister wants her sister back as well, so long as she won't start hitting my wife again (In therapy she showed NO signs of physical violents) which makes me wonder if My wife was emotionally and maybe physically hurting her when I was away at work... I do love my wife, and just want my complete family together.. Im at such a crossroads that I want too fix everything, but I cant fix their relationship as mother / daughter. The Therapy home is at 6 months with her and she is now ready to come home, whic would be every weekend then switch to 5/2's (5 home and back in regular school, 2 at respite on weekends.. ) Shes 13 and that would kill what ever social life she wants or could ever strive for..... Do we separtate and still live together for the kids and I bring home My daughter or do I let my wife get her way and send her off to a group home, and we have occational visits, my heart is broken and torn Do i just let my daughter go to the group home and focus on my wife & other 2 kids, well knowing and even the S.W. agrees that My daughters life will probally spirla down into a drug, sex and alcohol life style that accompanys these system kids, something which we removed her from and complete sheltered her from.. I never cry but find myself constantly crying when I think about this situation, and Saddened by my wife lack of compasion and coldness to My daughter, As she said last night when nella finally hit her (Nella 110 pds, my wife 330 pds and physically strong woman) She was done with her, she doent have too put up with that (which I agree) and she doent need to be constantly challenged by my daughter (ADHD, ODD). We knew when we adopted her she was abused and had certain emotional & learning disabilitys, shes a very beautiful girl that looks 16-17 years old but is only 13. Anyones opinions are appeciated, I'm kinda stuck in a tunnel and can't see all the sides clearly.....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont know what to tell ya. it sounds like you've both been through a lot and children with this kind of out of control behavior will do this to a marriage that has a weak foundation. even a marriage with a strong foundation. 

You can only do what you feel is right. there's nothing worse then living with regrets. and remember, the whole weight of your daughters world is not in your hands. Dont carry the burden that doesnt belong to you. some of it is, but there's a lot of other people in this scenario and you cant control everything. just take it one day at a time and do what you think is right for that day. dont try to predict the future. you'll drive yourself insane and that's not good for anyone.


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## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

The Burden I carry isnt with my daughter, I've been very well trained to deal with her and have lots of supports for her, Its the coldness of my wife towards my daughter, and the other things in life. We are at a complete stalemate, she has her opinion and I have mine, in the mean time my daughter future is on hold till the adults (which my wife has had 6 months to get help and learn new ways of dealing with my daughter, has done NOTHING till today and proceeded to tell the therapist that they didnt fix my daughter... however they both need counciling.. which only Me and my daughter have been regularly attended with out some lame excuse...... ) I'm really frustrated and mostly cry at the fact I love my daughter and I love my wife, yet My wife wont be the adult and talk with her. I feel like separating and taking the kids, I'm strong enough and can do this with ease, Is it wrong that this idea doesnt make me sad, but would be a welcome relief. My mother.. ugh.. has picked up on the problems and piped in her 2 cents... as she puts it My wife is a nice lady but has some serious issues in dealing with ppl, and proceeded to tell me stories of before we were married and the problems my mother dealt with with Her. As she put it, she was not waiting the "what if this would happen", but the WHEN will it happen, she seen it coming a long ways away... I feel by next week we will have to make a big decision in life and arrangments, we have both planted our feet in firmly with our beliefs and opinions and are on completly opposite sides of the fence. rock paper sissors , or arm wrestle oh wait.. she'll probally win... lol


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## invisable1 (Feb 9, 2009)

Well Today we had our placement meeting for bringing my daughter Home, after much dissussions I promised to protect my wife from physical abuse from my daughter.. (which Ive never seen) and to draw the line, yet still she doesnt want to bring her home till "they fix her" .. If there was a way to fix kids dont you think everyone would line up.. After a long talk afterwards with the SW. I found out that we werent allowed to talk to my daughter after her move in for 1 week, not 2 months as I was told by "wife". When asked if we can bring her home it was IF ther are supports (a realistic want" We all said yes with ME being the biggest supporter.. She still dragging her feet going well maybe in 2 months I'll be ready... TODAY WAS THE DAY TO MAKE A DECSISION!!! as she knew!!! so my daughter going to get sent away to a large city group home 100 km away from me and her sister and her little brother..all WHO want her back.. I want to protect them and I DONT trust my wife, I feel like at this moment I'm going to ask her to leave, so I can take care of the kids and the house ect.. Im strong I can do this, with a lot less emotional struggle.. Im tired I weak I give up.... I hate games. If losing her means gaining my daughter then so be it... I have offers couciling and everything else I can imagine. support love and in a few lies are destroying everything... My next questions is how do I get her to leave without the kids... or do I just move rooms and we separate..


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