# Wife is disengaging



## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

I've been reading enough on this site to get some ideas from a lot of other posts. If this is redundant my apologies but I'm assuming that many people have truly sensed problems before and EA, PA, or divorce request.

I won't go into a lot of details but I think it is important to note that I know these things have happened over time and there is not a quick fix. In summary I think we have built up some huge barriers and problems and I'm looking for ways to break them down.

It is hard to put into words but I can see my wife disengaging from the relationship. It's a lot of small things and in a lot of ways none of them are bad by themselves but when you add them up and couple them with our 'problems' it tends to be rather disheartening. Some of these small things by themselves are absolutely good.

I am currently reading MMSL and have HNHN currently queued up. It is normally in my DNA to attempt to tackle a problem head on and fix it fast. It really seems like there are a lot of people on here who sense things are wrong and feel completely helpless to stop it and even broach the subject with their partner. Then they get wonderful help here. 

I can work on my things but it is senseless to work alone. However, as I broach the subject I am constantly met by - there is nothing wrong, it won't do any good to talk about it, and I'm stressed out about other things (which is unfortunately very true in that she lost her grandmother just recently after a few weeks of illness. They were extremely close). 

In some ways doing a 180 is almost where we were before. Both of us way seperate from the other. Doing that seems rather pointless to me and in some cases will add to our existing problems. Nothing wrong with the 180 it just seems to be generally wrong in some of my situations.

In the last 6 weeks I've worked very hard on changing a lot of the beta characteristics that I was just simply sucking on. And you know what I feel better for it. I don't think they are getting noticed one bit but I'm ok with that. 

Alpha characteristics seem to be another battle - I do need to read more on the Mr. Nice guy area. The battle is I think finding ways to slowly engage them back into the relationship. And to start small and work the way up.

Opening up communications is another huge battle for me. I'm the culprit on most of it. I have a problem with not directly lying but avoiding in letting things out. I'd argue it is in my DNA due to past problems but I'm not going to simply lay the blame elsewhere. I'm to blame. Add on top of that I would simply avoid certain subjects because I knew it would be a heated issue (and we don't 'argue' well) or I would try to wait for a better time to let certain things be know and it would either end up being to late or not covered at all. And I know that if we can't communicate over the small things that thinking about the large things is rather optimistic.

As I mentioned we are bad at 'arguing' or discussing things that we don't agree on. To the point where we simply have stopped communicating in that area over the period of many years.

I know this is open ended but I'm sure that many new people on here are at a similar point. I can work on my things but at some point in time it has to be about our things as well as finding a way to get more insight into the other things that bother her. But as she seems to be disengaging (distancing) how do you come about trying to change things? The ultimatum or the we need to talk approach may just simply fail. The stress with losing her grandmother is just simply huge. The best I can do is support and work with her. I miss the heck out of her grandmother as well. Coming out with I need this or we need this will just simply seem selfish and disrespectful. But then when does it ever seem to be a good time?

Sorry for the book but I'm also trying to get my hands wrapped around what I'm thinking and writing helps. 

Am I making sense or am I simply a spineless tool?


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