# When Being Truthful Is Hurtful...



## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I don't like to fake what I feel, but sometimes, as a result, when he receives my honest feedbacks, he felt hurt and he felt he wasn't doing a good job but I wasn't mean to criticise or hurt him... Now I realise. 
I would make him so happy if I could be polite to him instead of being truthful to myself. Sometimes I really need to think carefully when I need to communicate with him. 
Being polite is the key of a peaceful relationship when speaking my mind only brings more unnecessary discussions.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

My husband has his own belief in how to make me happy.
When I tried to correct his belief in how to make me happy, he would feel hurt and wonder why i'm still not happy after he worked his butt off to make me happy?
Therefore, to make things easier for him and to maintain a peaceful marriage. I MUST be polite and show my gratitude for what he has done.
I don't need to be truthful to myself when it's hurtful to my spouse.
Interesting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

well I'll be frank *pause for old joke*... I love truth and honesty... but what bothers me is an argument where opinions are described as facts... but its twisted... your feelings are your own facts... but still I say if you must lie to spare feelings... you would soon discover the biggest lie you would be telling is your relationship...
I'd rather the truth kill it faster than a lie that would kill slowly...


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

No lying.
Just forget about what I really want and be polite.
No matter what, I must thank my husband for his hard work even the work doesn't quite meet the way I wanted. 
I can't be truthful, because it's gonna hurt and frustrate him.
He wanted to see my smile and satisfaction on my face.
I MUST be polite and provide what is humbly requested.
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Sometimes it's so easy to make my spouse happy if I would forget about what I really think and want. 
Just agree with him and just say the words he likes to hear.
Everything is joyful and peaceful and I stay away from arguments and unpleasant discussions.
Can we always speak our minds frankly to our spouses? 
If I miss fighting with my spouse, I will go ahead otherwise, I prefer not to get into troubles.
The problem is, I feel myself growing apart from him but who cares? Nobody is cheating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My councilor has an expression...

You can pay now, or you can pay later with interest. In the case of relationships, it refers to having uncomfortable discussions now and trying to deal with the problem early vs. talking several years from now and having years of resentment and frustrations built up (the "interest"). Plus then the discussions may not be "How can we fix this", but become "I want a divorce, and here's the reasons".

If your husband has his beliefs in how to make you happy, but they're not making you happy, then his beliefs are based on a lie, and he's going to wonder why he's doing all this stuff for you and you're not satisfied. Check out the "Sex in Marriage" forum for countless examples of guys bending over backwards to do chores, watch kids, work countless hours to try to rebuild their wives sexual interest, when all they want is to be cuddled in a non-sexual manner occasionally (as an example). 

Just my $0.02. Lieing to yourself to keep things peaceful is going to blow up in your face, in my opinion. 

C


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

friendly said:


> No lying.
> Just forget about what I really want and be polite.
> No matter what, I must thank my husband for his hard work even the work doesn't quite meet the way I wanted.
> I can't be truthful, because it's gonna hurt and frustrate him.
> ...


This is what I think -- this is going to get REAL OLD , you will grow to resent the fact you can not BE yourself around him and he is too bullheaded to HEAR you and Understand you. 

and "Politeness" will lead to boringness. No honesty there, no passion.

Give examples of WHAT you are saying and HOW you are saying it , the attitude, tone -body language, this all speaks. 

And his responses --what are your fights/disagreements over exactly?


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

sometimes to omit is to lie...
puting up a false act also equal the same...
be you and let him discover and love you...
if he is hiding himself and omitting, then a firm discussion is in order...


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Thank you for your good inputs! 
My husband is too good to accept negative feedback.
He really worked his butt off for whatever I request in a way he believes he's great enough.
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I've tried to carefully bring up the discussion and my concerns but he would feel sooo hurt that I can't go on hurting his feelings.
I need to compromise.
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Examples are everywhere and everyday.
When he cooks, I MUST say great, I love what he cooks.
Because he would be the same eating happily and appreciates whatever I cook.
Things like that also in the bedroom... So you can image...
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you two been together? 

Honestly, truthfully, I think you're setting up your marriage for failure. Honest communication is a MUST. Get counciling if you can't have a discussion together without hurt feelings.

Your husband isn't "too good to accept negative feedback". He needs to learn how to accept constructive comments, and you need to learn to give them.

Again, just my $0.02.

C


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Are my needs so important that must be met perfectly?
I don't think I can ever meet my spouse's needs perfectly how can I expect mine to be met perfectly?
Sometimes we just need to feel happy what is offered as long as he's showing his love, never mind he shows love in his own way.
As for resentment, I don't think I can hate my husband for being who he is.
I did have a bit frustration but I didn't really lose a thing.
I need to tell myself be happy and don't be greedy when my needs are not met in a way I prefered.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, enjoy being unhappy... Why exactly are you posting, anyway? Trying to find someone to agree with you that it's ok to bury your feelings?

And nobody said anything about your needs being met perfectly. Compromise is also a great thing in a relationship. But if you can't stand mashed potatoes, and that's what he makes for supper every night thinking they're your favorite thing in the world, you've only got yourself to blame for having to choke them down for the rest of your life. All you have to do is say something like "Honey, do you think we could try rice for supper sometime?", and then tell him "Oh baby! This rice is just as wonderful as your mashed potatoes! I never thought I'd like it this much!"... You can be tactful when presenting requests for change.

C


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

My husband has his own views of life. He's a polite person.
When he goes to a restaurant and the service is not satisfying, and when the manager comes to ask how's the food, he would reply. "Good!" just to be polite but he won't go again. 
He believes in not to give bad comments and make ppl lose face because of the negative comments.
There're couples of times that I got upset with some service so I complained to the waiter.
He was mad at me and said I was being rude.
He told me when we don't like this place, we don't visit again, I don't need to make a fuss to the waiter because he's just here doing his work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

PBear said:


> Well, enjoy being unhappy... Why exactly are you posting, anyway? Trying to find someone to agree with you that it's ok to bury your feelings?
> 
> And nobody said anything about your needs being met perfectly. Compromise is also a great thing in a relationship. But if you can't stand mashed potatoes, and that's what he makes for supper every night thinking they're your favorite thing in the world, you've only got yourself to blame for having to choke them down for the rest of your life. All you have to do is say something like "Honey, do you think we could try rice for supper sometime?", and then tell him "Oh baby! This rice is just as wonderful as your mashed potatoes! I never thought I'd like it this much!"... You can be tactful when presenting requests for change.
> 
> C


I like the way how you communicate with your spouse.
Thank you! I think I need to learn the art of talking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So is that the way you want to be treated as well? Let's say he (or you) are dissatisfied with your sex life. Rather than talk about the problem, he'll say things are good, and then, as you say "just not go there again"... Several years from now, you'll be posting in here wondering why you're only having sex 3x a year...

How long have you been together? And is it possible that his attitude is a cultural thing? There's nothing wrong with that, but different cultures have different attitudes about "saving face". In which case, I'm getting in over my head, cause I don't know how cultures like that deal with things between a married couple. 

EDIT: And be careful with the "I like the way you communicate with your spouse"!  I'm recently separated, and I'm speaking from the school of hard knocks, when it comes to communication. That lack of communication contributed greatly to the end of my marriage. That's NOT a mistake I plan on repeating the next time! But it's why I'm strongly urging you to learn NOW how to communicate with your husband, before small issues becomes a big issues. It's much easier to deal with little hurt feelings than having to have a discussion about wanting a divorce.

C


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Small things like that. From him, I have learnt to compromise.
In some way, he has his own thinking and sometimes I can only agree with him to avoid conflicts.
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Yes it's a culture thing. You must always talk politely with respects to ppl even with strangers.
We've been together for 8 years, and nobody is cheating at the moment.
Just some communication work has hit a dead end.
We are still having sex but it's like to get the duties done as a couple should do.
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Sorry, I don't know maybe it's not a culture thing but that's how he's raised up and his family are loving, polite and friendly.
They never ask anything that is private or personal.
So to discuss about sex, is very personal and that made him feel uncomfortable and not romantic.
I think you have just point out the word "tactful", so he wouldn't feel criticised. That's what I need to study about...


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

PBear has said it well. If you expect to have a long lasting and enjoyable relationship you HAVE to work together and this sometimes means acknowledging problems. You avoid conflict and although somethings are not worth fighting over, if you avoid everything then how can you possibly grow together as a couple. It is tough and your partner may not respond well at first, but you need to communicating openly and honestly about your feelings and desires. If he understood what really made you happy don't you think that he would want to do it for you?


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