# I need advice urgently!!



## betrayed1971 (Sep 8, 2014)

Hi, I have been married to my husband for 17 1/2 years. About 8 years ago, I found out that my husband had been emailing his ex-girlfriend. In these e-mails he told her that he only married me because I had gotten pregnant and that he still loved her. He was making arrangements to go to the city where she lived in order to hook up with her. When I told him that I had found his e-mails, he apologized and told me that he let his emotions and her interest in him to get the better of him. I forgave him for it, because I love him with all of my heart and I was willing to forgive him for talking to her, especially since nothing had happened. Now speed forward to a year ago.... 

A woman who lived in town who was married to one of his co-workers and my husband started sexting each other. It caused drama at first because I told him that I did not like her texting him all the time (I did not know then that they were sexting). He blew it off as they had just moved to town, and she did not have any friends and he was just being nice. He invited his co-worker and his wife over to our house for dinner and to play monopoly. My husband and this woman sat across the table from each other, and flirted with each other in front of me, my children and her husband. This is when I knew that he was not just texting her. I started snooping on his e-mail, facebook, and messages and lo and behold I found the sexting posts - talking about how they should just get together and my husband saying "If I am going to get accused of cheating, I might as well do it." Well I finally had enough information to confront him, which turned into world war II at my home. Enough to where he yelled at me, I got in his face and he shoved me back. This is when I told him to get out of my house because I did not need him for anything. Well, guess what, he apologized to me, told me it was because she was paying so much attention to him and that our sex life was almost non-existent. Like a dummy, I forgave him a second time. Things went great for a while, he helped out around the house, sent me love cards, bought me flowers, and made it a point to pay attention to me. That floundered out after about a month, and then he went back to not helping out around the house, ignoring me unless I spoke to him, and expecting me to do work full time, go to school full time, take care of the house and the kids and gets upset because I am too tired to have sex. 
Now fast forward to last week..... 

I cannot believe it, he is doing it again. I have not snooped on his emails, messages, or Facebook since the last time but I can tell a change in him and I know that change all too well. Guess what? He is now talking to a girl on Facebook messenger and email. This is a girl that we are both friends with on Facebook, who was also a babysitter for our boys when they were young (they are 13 & 16 now). He is sexting her, sending her nude pictures of himself and her sending him pictures. She lives an hour and half away from us in a town where his parents and sister live. He is talking to her about meeting up sometime because as he says "He has always wanted to make love to her." He has been texting or sexting her off and on since December 2013, and just now picked it back up last week. 

I am beside myself. I love my husband and I do not want to get divorced from him, but I am at my wits end. I am not and will not just stand by and let him have his sex conversations with other women, and I do not think that I have it in me to forgive him again. This is the 3rd time, and the way I look at it if he could not keep his promises after the first and second times I know that he is not going to keep it after the 3rd time. 
I know after the second incident when I told him to get out, he told me that he did not want to be a weekend dad. This is not something that I would ever do anyway, because I do not want to hurt my boys. 

Can someone please give me some advice? I just really do not know what to do. I don't want to jump and say I want a divorce, but I also do not want to fight and have him blame it all on me again and expect me to be there all the time while he is trying to play around. Am I wrong?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

betrayed1971 said:


> Hi, I have been married to my husband for 17 1/2 years. About 8 years ago, I found out that my husband had been emailing his ex-girlfriend. In these e-mails he told her that he only married me because I had gotten pregnant and that he still loved her. He was making arrangements to go to the city where she lived in order to hook up with her. When I told him that I had found his e-mails, he apologized and told me that he let his emotions and her interest in him to get the better of him. I forgave him for it, because I love him with all of my heart and I was willing to forgive him for talking to her, especially since nothing had happened. Now speed forward to a year ago....
> 
> A woman who lived in town who was married to one of his co-workers and my husband started sexting each other. It caused drama at first because I told him that I did not like her texting him all the time (I did not know then that they were sexting). He blew it off as they had just moved to town, and she did not have any friends and he was just being nice. He invited his co-worker and his wife over to our house for dinner and to play monopoly. My husband and this woman sat across the table from each other, and flirted with each other in front of me, my children and her husband. This is when I knew that he was not just texting her. I started snooping on his e-mail, facebook, and messages and lo and behold I found the sexting posts - talking about how they should just get together and my husband saying "If I am going to get accused of cheating, I might as well do it." Well I finally had enough information to confront him, which turned into world war II at my home. Enough to where he yelled at me, I got in his face and he shoved me back. This is when I told him to get out of my house because I did not need him for anything. Well, guess what, he apologized to me, told me it was because she was paying so much attention to him and that our sex life was almost non-existent. Like a dummy, I forgave him a second time. Things went great for a while, he helped out around the house, sent me love cards, bought me flowers, and made it a point to pay attention to me. That floundered out after about a month, and then he went back to not helping out around the house, ignoring me unless I spoke to him, and expecting me to do work full time, go to school full time, take care of the house and the kids and gets upset because I am too tired to have sex.
> Now fast forward to last week.....
> ...


Look at the part in bold above...

That is your weakness. You're going to have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What consequences has he ever had for his actions?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

betrayed1971 said:


> Can someone please give me some advice?


Your husband is a serial cheater. For every time you caught him, how many times did he cheat without you knowing it? How many times has the sexting turned into PA's?

You've swept these A's under the rug; and now there is no meaningful consequence that will get his attention other than divorce. That's the catch22.

I would never recommend R with a serial cheater. Either stay with him and be resigned to an open marriage, or divorce him.

Sorry you're here.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You don't want to get divorced? Why not?

He has bare minimum sexted with 1...2...3... Women that you know of. There are probably more, and there is a good chance there have been some one night stands with other women you aren't even aware of.

BTW How old is your husband? And how old is the former babysitter? Disgusting behavior, but you aren't willing to offer him tangible consequences.

Go directly to a lawyer. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

He is acting like a dawg on the hunt, and seems to have the itch bad.

I know its just a limited amount of info we've got, but he sounds like the type that is bored, selfish, whatever, and thinks he deserves to hit up the ladies.

The hard part is figuring out what will change his course. You two have got to blow it out, and decide what is going to give. 

If he wants to goof off around the house, and play Cary Grant while you're knocking yourself out- something's gotta give. (or he's gotta go)

You are trying to work, go to school, take care of the kids, the house- if this means you're too tired for sex, then something's gotta give there, too.

Seriously, I know finances loom large, but don't fall into those battles in the bedroom. Let something wait if you're too busy to give marriage the full treatment.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Does he have an addiction?

3 times? Is the former babysitter of age now so that he will not go to jail? 

If he can't or won't stop his behavior, can you live like this?

I don't know if anyone can keep going with the hurt and the pain.

You have to have some help to deal with this. You can start with the 180, but have you talked to a counselor? You can get some tools to help, because you can't keep hurting all the time. 

We all need help sometime. There are books that are helpful, but the one that is causing your pain can be helpful, of extremely hurtful. He is not showing the remorse to be helpful.

I do not know how much more pain you can take.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

If you want to save your marriage then you need to take off the gloves. No more begging and forgiving. Time to take drastic action. Go to a lawyer immediately. Put some fear in him.

I don't hold out much of a chance to save your marriage. You have to stand up for yourself, no one else can. Until you do he will continue to disrespect you and your marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what exactly do you love about a cheater?

you know what to do. kick his a$$ to the curb!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

If you keep putting up with his bs, he'll be only too happy to continue to do it. You say you love him. What exactly is it about him that you love. Give him his freedom so he can go out and pursue what has obviously become the center of his life. Unfortunately, that center isn't you or his family. This guy's got a real problem and your continued "forgiving" isn't helping! I'm sorry you're in this situation. Good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He is a serial horn dog.

Divorce him.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Betrayed, do we have your attention now?

What everyone says is likely true. You have probably only scratched the surface of his cheating (and yes, sexting and telling another woman he loves her and not you is cheating. It is as bad if not worse than if he put his penis inside her). 

You can't control him or make him do anything. You can only decide on how much you are willing to tolerate, and what you are willing to do if it becomes intollerable. 

Does he want to be married to you? If not, there isn't much you can do to keep him. If he does, then you need to hit him over the head with a 2x4. He hasn't had any consequences for what he has done. This means he gets the thrill and excitement of chasing his past lover and you get the pain and anguish. 

Give him the ultimatium, you and only you. Set boundaries. Verify he follow them. My guess is you know what you want. You are just afraid to lay down the challenge because you fear he may leave. If he does leave, consider it a gift. Because if you continue to tip toe around the issue it's just going to get bigger are more unmanageable. 

Good luck, and I hope it turns out well for you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

betrayed1971 said:


> She lives an hour and half away from us in a town where his parents and sister live. He is talking to her about meeting up sometime because as he says "He has always wanted to make love to her." He has been texting or sexting her off and on since December 2013, and just now picked it back up last week.
> 
> I am beside myself. I love my husband and I do not want to get divorced from him, but I am at my wits end.


Well I understand this and know you are just devastated. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want to be with someone that cheated or made plans to cheat. I'd never be able to trust them again.

If it were me, I'd print off the things you read above. Maybe have the kids stay with grandparents. When your husband gets home, have plans to go somewhere...shopping, for a drink maybe, and tell him you are going out and by the way, there is something on the table he needs to read.

Leave, don't answer your phone, and come back later on that night and see what happens. Give him time to ponder and worry about what your course of action is going to be.




> I know after the second incident when I told him to get out, he told me that he did not want to be a weekend dad. This is not something that I would ever do anyway, because I do not want to hurt my boys.


This wouldn't be on you, its on HIM. HE would be hurting his boys if he was kicked out, not you.




> Can someone please give me some advice? I just really do not know what to do. I don't want to jump and say I want a divorce, but I also do not want to fight and have him blame it all on me again and expect me to be there all the time while he is trying to play around.



Can I ask you a question? First off, you know you'll never be able to trust him again, so why the hell do you even want him??

In my opinion, if you stay married to him, you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

I think you are going to have to seriously "consider" divorce and make it know that it is not off the table whenever you do confront him about this.

If you stay with him, then he needs to give you the password to every one of his social media accounts. No ifs ands or buts. If he protests, then he needs to get the F out.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your husband shows a persistent and determined inclination to cheat. That's not good. Your only chance to turn him around is to clobber, and I mean REALLY clobber him with something that will rock his world. 

This means blind siding him with divorce papers and to demonstrate to him decisively, DECISIVELY, you will not tolerate this behavior. Even then the odds aren't good to succeed. You will not stand a chance of success until you wrap your mind and heart around the fact, as Gus told you, that you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. 

I'm sorry, but these are the facts. We've seen this story play out many times before and the story plot is predictable. Best of luck to you.


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## Urope (Sep 9, 2014)

You really sure he is cheating on you? You mentioned you saw his texts of sending to his exgirlfriend and do you have any points? If you use some monitoring software on his phone like iKeyMonitor? http://goo.gl/mHXKRG In my opinion, you have already given him three opportunities, but he didn’t cherish it and make mistakes again. I don’t think it is necessary to give him another chance again because I guess it will happen again.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I thought it was intersting that you said "I have not snooped on his emails, messages, or Facebook..." like this is a bad thing. If your spouse has cheated on you in the past, he or she should expect that the spouse will have complete access to all of these and more. You lose the right to that type of privacy and it should be a normal "hedge" that you have set for him. When you give them another chance is the time to make them be willing to give you full access to all of these. Maybe that's just me? If you've never laid out a plan to follow, and you still are wanting to give him another chance, you may want to contact a counselor for feedback about how to do it well. You don't want to keep allowing him to hurt you, right? I know you can set up a free counseling call at a ministry that provides it (800-232-6459), if you think that will be helpful. HUGS to you!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, what are you hoping to get here? Advice to make him stop, or advice on coping with a serial cheater, or advice on how to end the marriage.

You said you don't want to divorce him. From what you have said it sure seems as though your H knows that, and is abusing your commitment to the marriage by continuing to engage in acts of infidelity. Sometimes (not always) forcing his hand by going to an attorney and having a separation will wake up some WS and bring them back. This frequently includes full exposure of the affair to friends and family I'm sorry to say that happens more often when the WS is involved with a single person. You have a spouse who is repeatedly leaving the marriage so I don't know if that would work.

When I was in your shoes a few years ago, what I wanted was for it never to have happened in the first place. It did. I wanted him to realize that his family and his children were worth fighting for. He didn't. 
What do you want?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Get yourself ready financially and emotionally. Learn a trade in a community college and get yourself a job. I couldn't imagine my husband of 34 years saying things to other women the way your husband does. It would be nuclear war for me and no forgiving at any time. I cannot tolerate the hurt and disappointment that you are going through in my life. However, you need to build your self-esteem and gain financial independence. You deserve love, respect, and happiness.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Okay, first off these issues are always more complicated than first postings infer. In this case however, there is a bit of information that I find troubling. You mentioned that the "sex life was almost nonexistent". Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that your husband is wrong, his behavior is reprehensible and I in no way condone it. What I am offering here is simply a possible "why" for his actions.

Generally speaking, men are more sexually driven than women, it's part of the genetic coding in men. Again, not an excuse but merely a fact. Because of this, most men see sexual issues as paramount whereas most women see them as mildly important or not important at all. You mentioned working full time, going to school full time, taking care of the house, looking after the kids and being too tired at the end of the day for sex. That is a very full plate for a mom and wife to manage. 

Do you work because you have too? Do you go to school because you have too? Do you routinely miss either? But it's okay to be too tired for sex and to miss that? For you maybe, for your husband maybe not. I know life makes demands on us that are sometimes seemingly impossible but it's up to us to decide what's really important and what can "slide". Can your marriage "slide"? 

You are very upset that your husband is showing attention to other women. Have you considered that he may be just as upset that you're NOT showing attention to him? Does your husband work full time? You indicated he doesn't help around the house, does he do the outside stuff like mow the lawn and fix the cars and such? I don't know all the details but I do know this. If you haven't eaten in several hours and you walk by a cafe and the smell hits you you begin to think in earnest about eating. On the other hand if you walk by a cafe after just leaving a restaurant wherein you feasted until replete the smell is barely noticed if at all.

Again I don't know all of your circumstances but I do know men (I am one) and have dealt with lack of intimacy for many years. It can make you do things you would not ordinarily do, much like starvation will. Anyway, you asked for answers and I am positing one possibility.

Again I want to reiterate that I am not excusing what your husband is doing but the reason for this may be that he is not excusing you either. According to your post this all started after 8 or so years of marriage so there must have been some good for a while, what changed? In all fairness, you may feel that your job, school and whatever else your doing is more important than your marriage and if so then you can certainly do as some have suggested and kick him to the curb. If however, you care more about the marriage than any of that other stuff, then perhaps it would be worthwhile to at least explore this possibility. I'm just sayin'.

If I am correct then your husband should have expressed his feelings to you and tried to communicate the importance of the lack of intimacy and how it was/is affecting him. He chose an ENTIRELY wrong path if his goal is to make you understand. Regrettable.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Okay, first off these issues are always more complicated than first postings infer. In this case however, there is a bit of information that I find troubling. You mentioned that the "sex life was almost nonexistent". Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that your husband is wrong, his behavior is reprehensible and I in no way condone it. What I am offering here is simply a possible "why" for his actions.
> 
> Generally speaking, men are more sexually driven than women, it's part of the genetic coding in men. Again, not an excuse but merely a fact. Because of this, most men see sexual issues as paramount whereas most women see them as mildly important or not important at all. You mentioned working full time, going to school full time, taking care of the house, looking after the kids and being too tired at the end of the day for sex. That is a very full plate for a mom and wife to manage.
> 
> ...


Well said! 

Good post NC.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Look at the part in bold above...
> 
> That is your weakness. *You're going to have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it*.


And you cant fake this unfortunately...he might call your bluff

file for D and do the 180...you can read ALL about it here
If you have proof, expose to ALL friends and family, kill his support team and his ability to spin this HIS way and do damage control (my wife is crazy im not cheating)

and if she is married or involved, it might kill the affair as well...expose expose expose

1) he is truly remorseful and works at fixing HIM...counseling
2) he is not and lets the divorce happen or doesnt try to stop it...then he aint worth it and your better off alone

let him know what he has to do...there are things he can read and you can probably find them here that will spell out what he is truly doing and what he will need to do to fix it...it aint your job to coach him through remorse, just supply him the resources to read up on it and the ball is now in his court

he keeps getting away with this, with little or NO consequences...he will NEVER stop unless he has serious consequences


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Look at the part in bold above...
> 
> That is your weakness. You're going to have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it.


Let me say this another way...

You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to take the actions necessary to save it.


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## wamsgr (Jul 20, 2014)

I agree with some of the other posters above.

You're going to have to let him know that this behavior won't be tolerated. Do it with as little emotion as possible. 

Make it clear that he can "play" with other women, or he can be married to you. But not both. 

No argument needed with this. Set your boundary and stick to it. Don't fight with him, just make it clear that if this doesn't stop the marriage will end.

That's the only way I was able to snap my wife out of the fog with her affair partner. Until that moment she never realized what she was throwing away. And things really changed for the better after that.

He's playing games. Win by being all business about it. Good luck.


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## DaisyNewYork (Sep 3, 2014)

You gotta see what you want and that can't be no bein of feelin 2nd best. He want her then have him go, he want you and prove it then he be back and showin


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

wamsgr said:


> You're going to have to let him know that this behavior won't be tolerated. Do it with as little emotion as possible.


Maybe this is his way of telling you that the lack of sex won't be tolerated by him did you consider that? Don't misunderstand, I do not condone this behavior but if he's tried to talk to you about this lack of intimacy and has made no headway, maybe this is his "answer" to the dilemma instead of divorce. Most on here agree the the "shock factor" is a way to snap the WS out of their "fog". Do a 180, file for divorce and let them see your serious and for some that may be the right answer. However, have you considered that, in some instances, the WS is employing that same technique? What's more shocking that finding out your spouse is having/about to have and affair? Maybe they are trying to lift a fog themselves. Just a possibility.



wamsgr said:


> Make it clear that he can "play" with other women, or he can be married to you. But not both.
> 
> No argument needed with this. Set your boundary and stick to it. Don't fight with him, just make it clear that if this doesn't stop the marriage will end.
> 
> ...


Maybe it's not a game and giving ultimatums may be more inflammatory than beneficial. Maybe this isn't a fog but a deep yearning to be intimate on a regular basis. I would think that before you make emphatic statements about what will be tolerated perhaps think about what your asking him to tolerate. Most men like sex very much and living without it is not an option so if meeting your demands means living with little or no intimacy then he may well choose not to meet them. Unless he is a man of high character and is willing to sacrifice for his children's benefit then he may be ready to end it. Before you draw lines in the sand why not at least explore this possibility? At least you know then that you tried everything. If intimacy increases you may very well find that ultimatums are no longer necessary. You may find that he wasn't necessarily interested in other women but rather just being with A woman. Could it be that's why he married you in the first place? Just a thought.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Let me say this another way...
> 
> You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to take the actions necessary to save it.


It sounds crazy but you'll see it time and time again on this site. People who face the problem head on come out better in the end. The last thing you want is to be in limbo. Not knowing what to do. That would be a living hell. Take charge and set some boundaries and try not be afraid of enforcing them.


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