# After 26 years of marriage…. Wife wants out



## Oaport

Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy. 
so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so. 
I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
Advice pls


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## Deejo

Were I to tell you that giving her exactly what she wants is the best possible outcome for YOU, would you believe me?

If you are having difficulty coping, or are struggling with depression, than I very strongly advise you to deal with that immediately. Go to a doctor. Take care of yourself. Because when it comes down to it, you are the only one that can.

Given 26 years of marriage, if kids are involved, I'm presuming adult kids. Is that the case?


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## Tested_by_stress

You should have walked the first time. 7 years isn't an affair . It's a relationship. And yes, she is cheating again( or still)!


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## Oaport

Deejo said:


> Were I to tell you that giving her exactly what she wants is the best possible outcome for YOU, would you believe me?
> 
> If you are having difficulty coping, or are struggling with depression, than I very strongly advise you to deal with that immediately. Go to a doctor. Take care of yourself. Because when it comes down to it, you are the only one that can.
> 
> Given 26 years of marriage, if kids are involved, I'm presuming adult kids. Is that the case?


Yes I believe you… its just hard to accept it…. I’m taking antidepressant for the past two years ( the beat thing that I’ve done for myself). We have 2 adult sons who are Army vets.


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## Oaport

Oaport said:


> Yes I believe you… its just hard to accept it…. I’m taking antidepressant for the past two years ( the beat thing that I’ve done for myself). We have 2 adult sons who are Army vets.


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## Oaport

Tested_by_stress said:


> You should have walked the first time. 7 years isn't an affair . It's a relationship. And yes, she is cheating again( or still)!


That’s what I believe


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## BigDaddyNY

Oaport said:


> Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
> He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy.
> so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so.
> I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
> Advice pls


Actually it isn't 26 years. Your wife checked out of the marriage 9 years ago when she started her long term affair. For all intents and purposes she hasn't been married to you for almost a decade, you just weren't in on that fact

All you can do now is move on an focus on yourself and what you need.


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## Oaport

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actually it isn't 26 years. Your wife checked out of the marriage 9 years ago when she started her long term affair. For all intents and purposes she hasn't been married to you for almost a decade, you just weren't in on that fact
> 
> All you can do now is move on an focus on yourself and what you need.


Thank you


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## Deejo

Here are my 3 starting recommendations:

1. Accept that this is the end of your marriage.

2. Accept that the end of your marriage need NOT be tied to your own sense of self-worth. That is yours, and yours alone. Your spouse has nothing to do with it.

3. Don't dwell on what went wrong, and what you could have done better. Start dwelling on what you want your life to look like when the dust settles.

You will get to the other side of this. Plenty here that have gone before you, that will be here to help.


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## Deejo

Oh ... and protect yourself. Vigorously.

If you have not already, I would strongly encourage you to speak to a lawyer. 
Also get firm control of your finances. 

It is fine to 'hope' that your wife will deal with you fairly while dissolving your union. However, you MUST be prepared for the likelihood that she will not, but will instead steamroll you, if you allow it.


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## Deejo

Are your sons aware of what has transpired?


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## Oaport

Deejo said:


> Here are my 3 starting recommendations:
> 
> 1. Accept that this is the end of your marriage.
> 
> 2. Accept that the end of your marriage need NOT be tied to your own sense of self-worth. That is yours, and yours alone. Your spouse has nothing to do with it.
> 
> 3. Don't dwell on what went wrong, and what you could have done better. Start dwelling on what you want your life to look like when the dust settles.
> 
> You will get to the other side of this. Plenty here that have gone before you, that will be here to help.


Thanks!….. This is the best I’ve heard, I appreciate!


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## Oaport

Deejo said:


> Are your sons aware of what has transpired?


They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


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## BigDaddyNY

Oaport said:


> They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


Why would you protect her? What happens when one of your sons is having marital issues and talks to mom for advice. Do you want a cheater to give him that advice? They should know the truth because I doubt she will be kind to you. Remember she doesn't love you and she isn't the woman you thought you loved.


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## Oaport

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why would you protect her? What happens when one of your sons is having marital issues and talks to mom for advice. Do you want a cheater to give him that advice? They should know the truth because I doubt she will be kind to you. Remember she doesn't love you and she isn't the woman you thought you loved.


You’re right…. I just don’t know why I’m protecting her smfh!


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## Savannah01

Oaport said:


> Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
> He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy.
> so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so.
> I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
> Advice pls


It’s scary to imagine life after a long marriage … but I think in this case you will be in a much better situation and possibly even a happier person ! Do you want to spend the next 20’plus years unhappy or chasing happiness with your wife ? Sometimes it’s hard to accept defeat in a marriage, but ending it doesn’t mean you gave up — it’s just that some times people grow out of each other and must move on differently.
Take comfort that this could mean a new start for you … your feelings for your wife is your feelings for what the parents was … 
You have to think of the moving forward and where you want to be .. and if she doesn’t want to share that space , you have to let her do it . And you pick yourself up and keep on moving ! You’ll be just fine !


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## Marc878

Oaport said:


> They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


Why? It’s not your job to help hide your wife’s affair. She’ll be introducing him to them as her new found love when the reality is they have destroyed your family. Being a martyr is a thankless act and will get you nothing except more of what you’ve gotten.

Download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’s helped many.


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## BigDaddyNY

Oaport said:


> You’re right…. I just don’t know why I’m protecting her smfh!


It is out of habit. A husband almost instinctively will jump into action and protect their wife when they are in some kind of danger. You are just doing what a good husband does for their wife. The problem is, she really isn't your wife anymore. She killed the marriage when she started the affair with her boss and fell in love with him.


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## LATERILUS79

Brother, I feel for you. I understand depression. I understand how bad that depression can get. You need to make this woman out of sight, out of mind. The quicker you can divorce and make sure she is never in front of your face, the better. It will hurt for awhile, but it will get better. You have a lot of life left to live. You have a lot of value, and another woman will see that.

secondly, your sons are adults. Do not protect your cheating wife. Tell your sons that she had a 7 year affair. That is truly disgusting. Whatever happens to her relationship with her sons is HER FAULT. You are simply telling the truth (wait until after the divorce to tell them this so you can get through the divorce quicker).


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Let her go. Seven years?!!! Really? I would recommend you consult legal counsel and initiate divorce proceedings and move out of infidelity. How you are living is no way for a man to live. You do not deserve a life like this.

By all means your kids need to know the TRUTH!

Get into IC and work on building a new and better you. Life is short and you need to make the most of it. A wife like you have is draining your energy.


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## Oaport

Savannah01 said:


> It’s scary to imagine life after a long marriage … but I think in this case you will be in a much better situation and possibly even a happier person ! Do you want to spend the next 20’plus years unhappy or chasing happiness with your wife ? Sometimes it’s hard to accept defeat in a marriage, but ending it doesn’t mean you gave up — it’s just that some times people grow out of each other and must move on differently.
> Take comfort that this could mean a new start for you … your feelings for your wife is your feelings for what the parents was …
> You have to think of the moving forward and where you want to be .. and if she doesn’t want to share that space , you have to let her do it . And you pick yourself up and keep on moving ! You’ll be just fine !


Thank you so much!


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## Tested_by_stress

Tell your sons. Don't let her control the narrative by rewriting history.


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## SunCMars

Deejo said:


> Were I to tell you that giving her exactly what she wants is the best possible outcome for YOU, would you believe me?
> 
> If you are having difficulty coping, or are _struggling with depression_, than I very strongly advise you to deal with that immediately. Go to a doctor. Take care of yourself. Because when it comes down to it, you are the only one that can.
> 
> Given 26 years of marriage, if kids are involved, I'm presuming adult kids. Is that the case?


Oh, THIS, so true this be'eth.

The first decade of your marriage, you had an anchor about your neck.
As the years went on, it got heavier and heavier.

It laid you low, it put you in a depression.
Your tired feet were forever, seen below grade.

Your wife, she had an Albatross about her neck, she cheated, she killed your marriage, that was her punishment.
Albatrosses are rather light weight, they don't eat much, and are a small problem.

Nothing like that anchor that you have about your neck. It is pulling you down, causing you to slump forward in life.

You have become a (by the day), shorter, half dead man.
He meets you everyday in your mirror.

Hmm.

Take loose the anchor, divorce that selfish wife.
Your depression will slowly lessen, and your feet will no longer be mud laden.

You certainly had your issues, she was no help, she made them worse, much worse.


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## DoctorManhattan

Sorry you're going thru this. 
But you gotta man up for the sake of your sons; lead by example. What would you advise them if they're ever in a similar situation?

The good thing of hitting rock bottom is you get to start from a solid foundation. 
Take other's advice, seek legal counsel and any support group you can. 
Lead by example. It hurts like a mofo but you come out solid at the other side. 

Prayer if you're into that. HE alone understands us. Cry if you have to but know you will be solid on the other side. 
Like my dad told me "you're not the first...you're not the last"...
Hopefully you won't ever have to have that discussion with your sons. But if you do, they will know you walked thru the fire and came out alive and well on the other side. 
Wish you the best. 
Strength and honor.


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## re16

DNA your kids to ensure they are yours.


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## Evinrude58

My hope is that when you get out of the shock, and finally get some anger, you’ll see what this horrible person did, which was stole 9 years of your life and a lot of your money, because you were being used those 9 years.
Divorce her, build yourself a happy life by getting your financial stuff straight, find some things you love about living, get into an exercise routine (hugely important), get off the depressants, and by then you’ll realize there are a lot of women out there looking for a man. She is not really only woman out there, as after what she’s done to you, she should be dead to you in 2 years time. Sorry.
But if you work at your life, you WILL feel happy and get free of the pain she’s brought you.


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## SunCMars

Oaport said:


> They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


I see that as an honorable mistake on your part.

She does not deserve such an honor.

After the settlement and divorce, reveal this fact.

I was going to write, _"Reveal_ t_he real reason for your divorce"._

The real reason is that you two are not compatible.
And, she let you down in so many ways.

Another real reason is that she is not a quality person.
To you, to herself, for her sons, for anyone close to her..

If she was so unhappy in her marriage she should have divorced, not disgraced herself, and disgraced you.

Honor her not.


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## Evinrude58

If you don’t tell your sons now, she will just have plenty of time to twist the narrative and your sons will see you on a different light, and it won’t be a good light, either.
Don’t let your wife spin things to them. She’s woven a tangled web. It’s not your duty to walk around that web the rest of your life, pretending it’s not there.


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## SunCMars

At some point release the facts of the divorce to someone who has your son(s) ears.
Tell that person to inadvertently (let) slip out the truth.

Let your sons ask you.

After you have planted the questioning seed.


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## Oaport

DoctorManhattan said:


> Sorry you're going thru this.
> But you gotta man up for the sake of your sons; lead by example. What would you advise them if they're ever in a similar situation?
> 
> The good thing of hitting rock bottom is you get to start from a solid foundation.
> Take other's advice, seek legal counsel and any support group you can.
> Lead by example. It hurts like a mofo but you come out solid at the other side.
> 
> Prayer if you're into that. HE alone understands us. Cry if you have to but know you will be solid on the other side.
> Like my dad told me "you're not the first...you're not the last"...
> Hopefully you won't ever have to have that discussion with your sons. But if you do, they will know you walked thru the fire and came out alive and well on the other side.
> Wish you the best.
> Strength and honor.


Loved this, thank you so much!


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## Oaport

Thank you so much everyone for all the good advice….. I wish I had found this site earlier. It feels so good to finally get this off my chest and hear advice. 
I’ve been dealing with this issue all by my self for the last month not knowing what to do, how to react or what to think. Almost like being in a black hole. 
life sucks sometimes and it has kicked me right in the balls. 
again, thank you so much I really appreciate


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## Talker67

Oaport said:


> Yes I believe you… its just hard to accept it…. I’m taking antidepressant for the past two years ( the beat thing that I’ve done for myself). We have 2 adult sons who are Army vets.


are you working out?
there is a Harvard Medical study that says aerobic exercise every morning does wonders for relieving depression! Join a gym and go!

at some point you have to decide if trying to stay together is taking a bigger toll on your health than letting her go, dealing with the loss, and moving on to a fresh start! 

time for a new hobby? really dive into something new. take a night course at a local university. get a robot and learn to program it, etc.


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## Oaport

Talker67 said:


> are you working out?
> there is a Harvard Medical study that says aerobic exercise every morning does wonders for relieving depression! Join a gym and go!
> 
> at some point you have to decide if trying to stay together is taking a bigger toll on your health than letting her go, dealing with the loss, and moving on to a fresh start!
> 
> time for a new hobby? really dive into something new. take a night course at a local university. get a robot and learn to program it, etc.


Great advice thanks…. My son has a full gym in the garage. I talked to him yesterday so he can start coaching me in it…… all I’ve been doing when I get home is eat and drug my self to sleep but I do know I need to snap out of it


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## seadoug105

its important your sons know the truth and possibly more than you might have been previously willing to tell. 

For a few reasons:
A) What has happened over the last 2 Years, has impacted how they see you. Without a perspective; even without any external influence, you can imagine how this could change. Add in there subtle negative influences from your wife, trying to claim her victimhood and building up for when she was going to leave you.
B) children see more than even they realize at the time. Not real realizing it until more piece to the puzzle come together…. I was pretty much an adult when I finally put the pieces together on the affair my mom was having pretty much right infront of (7-8 yo.) me.
C) Your reaction (suicide attempt) was less than ideal, and could have farther reaching impact than you could/would have considered. Although it was not meant to be successful just manipulative… they don’t know that but should.. No matter how immature and embarrassing the attempt and your reasoning was, them knowing and knowing why is VERY important. Because of the nature of suicide, most occur due to depression which can or does have a genetic component (or is perceived by many too). Add in the fact that both of your sons are vets and the suicide rate is far higher in that population than general. Odds are they know someone who has and probably know of several that have succeeded. As factors add together it can more normalize it. Just like some people normalize cheating. And things that become normalized can eventually become options for people that would never…. In short, don’t let your boys think it’s general depression that got the best of you. Depression wasn’t the cause and it should eat at them as a concern for their future. You were trapped and isolated “_*protecting“*_ them from the truth, and it was desperate grab to hold things together.

sorry for rambling…


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## Oaport

seadoug105 said:


> its important your sons know the truth and possibly more than you might have been previously willing to tell.
> 
> For a few reasons:
> A) What has happened over the last 2 Years, has impacted how they see you. Without a perspective; even without any external influence, you can imagine how this could change. Add in there subtle negative influences from your wife, trying to claim her victimhood and building up for when she was going to leave you.
> B) children see more than even they realize at the time. Not real realizing it until more piece to the puzzle come together…. I was pretty much an adult when I finally put the pieces together on the affair my mom was having pretty much right infront of (7-8 yo.) me.
> C) Your reaction (suicide attempt) was less than ideal, and could have farther reaching impact than you could/would have considered. Although it was not meant to be successful just manipulative… they don’t know that but should.. No matter how immature and embarrassing the attempt and your reasoning was, them knowing and knowing why is VERY important. Because of the nature of suicide, most occur due to depression which can or does have a genetic component (or is perceived by many too). Add in the fact that both of your sons are vets and the suicide rate is far higher in that population than general. Odds are they know someone who has and probably know of several that have succeeded. As factors add together it can more normalize it. Just like some people normalize cheating. And things that become normalized can eventually become options for people that would never…. In short, don’t let your boys think it’s general depression that got the best of you. Depression wasn’t the cause and it should eat at them as a concern for their future. You were trapped and isolated “_*protecting“*_ them from the truth, and it was desperate grab to hold things together.
> 
> sorry for rambling…


Thank you so much!


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## Trustless Marriage

Oaport said:


> They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


I think your wife has not earned the right to keep it a secret. I think your kids deserve to know why this marriage failed. In my eyes she doesn't deserve to be protected especially now that she is most likely doing it again a second time. If it was my wife it would on the front page of the newspaper.


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## marko polo

Why would you keep your wife's affair secret? That offers no benefit to you. That is not your burden. 

Expose the affair and let her have anxiety over how best to repair whatever damage results.


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## Rob_1

@Oaport: Although your marriage is over, one of the things you need to consider is to look inwards and look at yourself from the outside in to consider and analyze who do you see. If you were to read what you have posted so far in this forum about you and your soon to be Ex wife as a complete stranger you would cringe at the behavior and response you had described about your situation:
1. needy.
2. weak.
3. extremely off adult behavior, almost like a 13 years old girl that just lost her first puppy love, wallowing in despair. Hiding everything. Not taking into consideration what your response behavior is doing to your children while they are wondering what is really going on.
4. mental problems.

It is not wonder that your wife has not have any love for you for a long time nor she has any respect for you as a man and as an individual. Not that it excuses your wife of anything nor it can be condoned, but most likely the behavior you have described about you started long before she even started cheating on you, most likely she lost her respect for you first then when onto her sordid long time affair. 

going forward, you need to find yourself, your self respect, your dignity your self worth to put yourself together again. Also, you need to stablish if you have mental problems, such as chronic depression, which could have influence your wife towards distancing from you.


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## jlg07

Sorry, I responded on your other thread:
It sounds like other than MC, she had NO repercussions to cheating on you.
She cheated on you for almost 1/3 of your marriage -- so really, what are you trying to save?
I'd say do the 180, work on yourself, and divorce her. YOU are worth more than settling for a cheater.


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## Marc878

You need to realize you aren’t losing much. No contact is your best friend.


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## Annemarie W

Oaport said:


> Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
> He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy.
> so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so.
> I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
> Advice pls


I think it’s possible. My husband cheated on me since 2019 physically, emotionally, and mentally with another woman. He ended it in May and to be quite frank I don’t understand why. Now I know. He told me Friday. But yet he ended it with her? This is a man who is adamant about cheating. We go off on men who cheat and say they were not real men. That if you’re going to cheat you should get out of your marriage first. He fooled everyone. But I would say… If suddenly she is behaving in the way she was before chances are it’s happening again. I’m sorry. That’s just my opinion I am no therapist. My marriage is almost 26 years old as well. I got married when I was 22. Just turned 22. I get you. And I feel you.


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## Annemarie W

Oaport said:


> Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
> He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy.
> so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so.
> I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
> Advice pls


I think it’s possible. My husband cheated on me since 2019 physically, emotionally, and mentally with another woman. He ended it in May and to be quite frank I don’t understand why. Now I know. He told me Friday. But yet he ended it with her? This is a man who is adamant about cheating. We go off on men who cheat and say they were not real men. That if you’re going to cheat you should get out of your marriage first. He fooled everyone. But I would say… If suddenly she is behaving in the way she was before chances are it’s happening again. I’m sorry. That’s just my opinion I am no therapist. My marriage is almost 26 years old as well. I got married when I was 22. Just turned 22. I get you. And I feel you.


Oaport said:


> Thank you


you’re welcome. this is new to me too. This is fresh because it just happened on Thursday. And I’m looking at lawyers on Sunday. Lol I feel like I’m in a bad dream. hang in there. I guess that’s all we can do.


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## Annemarie W

cookieseric2341 said:


> No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your fully loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my wife would just be on her phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best app in the web it’s helped me check her phone. Now i know when She tells the truth because I receive all her calls, outgoing and incoming,see her whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to justify her loyalty and I found out that I guess right Now I have access to her phone remotely anything that goes in and out of her phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything,i hear everything,thanks!CYBERGHOST475 AT GMAIL.COM.


She was okay with this? I don't think that would fly with my husband. But a while ago I noticed he locked his phone. I made a comment the other day and he said _'I always locked my phone, I travel for work!'. _ And I noticed he stopped wearing his wedding right. But he just said it was becuase _'it keeps falling off my finger'_ or _'I hate wearing rings you know that!_' (even though he wore one for MANY years) or '_Alot of plants make you take it off so I just leave it at home_'. Though this woman *DID* know he was married. So I don't understand why that was a problem. Unless it played into the fantasy. Which is all she and that affair was. A fantasy life.

Honestly, my husband travels for work 5 days a week, and he is on his phone for work ALOT. So him being on his phone all the time ... it never occurred to me. At this point he is questioning everything. *WHY* did he cheat? *IS* something missing that we can't get back? *DO* I still love my wife? *SHOULD* I just make a clean break after 26 years and start a new life or work things out w/my wife and try to start a new life with her? *You are 110% right*. *NO ONE* deserves to be cheated on. It is, I feel, the most horrible, gut wrenching feeling when your suspensions are confirmed. I suspected for a LONG time, but then my suspensions were confirmed one night. But I wanted to hear it from HIM. I wanted him to man up and say the words to me and look me in the eye. It took a couple of months of slipping the question of '_are you sure you never had a connection w/someone on the road?'_ or _'after all these years, you never found anyone else attractive on the road?_' ... until finally the guilt just got to him so bad he couldn't stand it and he confessed. So when he did, I had time to process because I just KNEW. I knew in my* gut*. So when he told me, there was no emotion on my face or my voice, which I think confused the hell out of him. lol I was very calm, very collected. Because I had plenty of time to come to terms with it. He left the next morning. (Saturday) 

*IF* we reconcile, I actually (and I know I'm going to get a lot of people that tell me I'm blind or naïve) believe he would never cheat again. He has always had a *STRONG* stance on cheaters which is why we were all shocked (kids included) when *HE *actually cheated!!! But I can see how this has effected him mentally and emotionally and the guilt and the depression it has put him in. He is really, really struggling and honestly, I say *GOOD*. He _deserves_ to feel uncomfortable and struggle and feel pain, if you ask me! He _deserves_ every. single. bit. But I told him I am working very hard at putting this behind me and moving on. Because even if we split, I have to or else I'll never have a healthy relationship with anyone else. However, if I did not believe in my heart of hearts that it would never happen again with him - well, then I wouldn't even fight. I'd be working on the paperwork right now on the path to divorce.

I don't know about your wife ... but my husband is a good man. He really is. He just made a bad decision. a VERY bad decision. And the guilt of it all was so bad he is in therapy for it. Now granted I thought it was because he was depressed (which it is, this caused him to go into a deep depression) and having a midlife (*oh boy IS he!?!* That is where the '_do I want to start a new life_' comes from) ... but everyone in my family from my close aunts to my own *MOTHER* tell me - *fight for your marriage*! He is a good man, and this is NOT him! And quite honestly ... I want to.

So I have been fighting *very very* hard. But I am starting to just get ... tired. This has been a week of hell for me. Monday we decided to divorce. I told my kids (21 & 24) and I told the the TRUTH as to why. They were both so, so angry - but have since calmed down and been in contact with him. They are still very angry w/him however. *Well, so am I*. Monday night I just picked up the phone and called him. Texts were flying back and forth so fast I couldn't keep up between when he left on Saturday morning and on Monday. He kept saying and asking the same things over and over and over - so I thought, enough of this. He needs to hear my VOICE. I need to HUMANIZE this conversation because I'm a real person damn it and not some works on a damn phone! So I did. And I laid it all out for him. Answered all his questions, gave him my opinion and feelings on several of the issues he said lead up to the affair ...and so I laid out our choices. 1) Divorce 2) Separation 3) Marriage Counseling. He keeps saying he has to get himself *'right'. * To be frank, he is having a mid life crisis from hell. _Who am I? What have I done w/my life? What do I want to do w/the rest of my life? _That stuff. He is 51 so JUST the right age. And its been going on for the past few years ... right around the time the affair began (2020). So I said, _are you really wanting to rush into a divorce when you don't even know your own mind?? Think about the options, take a few days and get back to me. If you want a divorce, then, okay. I'll call a lawyer_. Two days later (Wed) he texted and said he is struggling and can't be with me right now becuase has to get himself right. (i.e. figure out what he wants out of life). So he was on board w/separation. So he found a place to rent on the other side of the state, to rent month by month. (and YES the affair really is over, his dad lives over there) I told him if he needs to extend at the end of the month then ... do it. Whatever. I'd rather him be in his RIGHT mind before he decides. Because, despite it all I do love him very much and want to work it out. Because it takes 2 people in a marriage to make it right and I take partial responsibility becuase the time this began I was turning away from HIM, having my own issues (no affair though!!) Yesterday he texted me good morning and told me he chatted w/his therapist who suggested to take time but not 'too much time' as that isn't fair to anyone. Just to listen to his heart and it is either there or not. So honestly, I don't know which way it goes. *Heads, we reconcile and work really hard at getting to a better place and future. Tales he wants a divorce and I move on and find someone willing to share my life going forward. *I am only 47 years old. I want a partner, a companion. Romance. I am an empty nester and I have looked forward to this part of my life for 26 years! So duh, yeah...I want someone to spend the next however long with me! And its not that I'm afraid of starting over and being alone. Not at all. I actually love my HUSBAND, despite the horrible thing he did. And it *IS* horrible. Anyone who has had a spouse cheat, I'm sure knows that feeling of emptiness and loneliness after the anger wears off. But we have a history together / a bond - that I think is worth fighting for. BUT - _no matter how much you want someone to love you - and be with you .... it is impossible to MAKE them. _And so I will move on.

Thank GOD for my therapy. I've been going for about 3 months, since he started acting weird (the affair ended in May, ironically) and I wanted to understand what was going on between us and also work on myself - becuase I wanted to become a stronger person. And although I'm still working on that and will be for quite awhile, I think it has *REALLY* helped me get a grip on this situation and keep my feelings in check and think about it from a 'clinical' point of view.

It is so complicated, when you have such a long history with someone. When you can finish each others sentences. Carry on conversations using only movie quotes. When you automatically know what to order from the fast food joint down the street without asking, when you feel strange sleeping in a bed at night without them. Its not like we were married a few years and this happened. This is 2 kids, and deaths in the family and fun family vacations and Christmases and surgeries and everything wrapped in a neat, 26 year old box. I'm just not ... ready, to throw that box out yet. I think there is too much in it to just throw away. But. Again. If he decides he is out ... then I have no choice. I'm out as well. * And he will regret it. *And by then it will be too late because I will have moved on. Because as much as I love him and feel he is a part of me - I *WILL* move on and I *WILL* be happy. *I am confident of it.*


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## BigDaddyNY

Annemarie W said:


> She was okay with this? I don't think that would fly with my husband. But a while ago I noticed he locked his phone. I made a comment the other day and he said _'I always locked my phone, I travel for work!'. _ And I noticed he stopped wearing his wedding right. But he just said it was becuase _'it keeps falling off my finger'_ or _'I hate wearing rings you know that!_' (even though he wore one for MANY years) or '_Alot of plants make you take it off so I just leave it at home_'. Though this woman *DID* know he was married. So I don't understand why that was a problem. Unless it played into the fantasy. Which is all she and that affair was. A fantasy life.
> 
> Honestly, my husband travels for work 5 days a week, and he is on his phone for work ALOT. So him being on his phone all the time ... it never occurred to me. At this point he is questioning everything. *WHY* did he cheat? *IS* something missing that we can't get back? *DO* I still love my wife? *SHOULD* I just make a clean break after 26 years and start a new life or work things out w/my wife and try to start a new life with her? *You are 110% right*. *NO ONE* deserves to be cheated on. It is, I feel, the most horrible, gut wrenching feeling when your suspensions are confirmed. I suspected for a LONG time, but then my suspensions were confirmed one night. But I wanted to hear it from HIM. I wanted him to man up and say the words to me and look me in the eye. It took a couple of months of slipping the question of '_are you sure you never had a connection w/someone on the road?'_ or _'after all these years, you never found anyone else attractive on the road?_' ... until finally the guilt just got to him so bad he couldn't stand it and he confessed. So when he did, I had time to process because I just KNEW. I knew in my* gut*. So when he told me, there was no emotion on my face or my voice, which I think confused the hell out of him. lol I was very calm, very collected. Because I had plenty of time to come to terms with it. He left the next morning. (Saturday)
> 
> *IF* we reconcile, I actually (and I know I'm going to get a lot of people that tell me I'm blind or naïve) believe he would never cheat again. He has always had a *STRONG* stance on cheaters which is why we were all shocked (kids included) when *HE *actually cheated!!! But I can see how this has effected him mentally and emotionally and the guilt and the depression it has put him in. He is really, really struggling and honestly, I say *GOOD*. He _deserves_ to feel uncomfortable and struggle and feel pain, if you ask me! He _deserves_ every. single. bit. But I told him I am working very hard at putting this behind me and moving on. Because even if we split, I have to or else I'll never have a healthy relationship with anyone else. However, if I did not believe in my heart of hearts that it would never happen again with him - well, then I wouldn't even fight. I'd be working on the paperwork right now on the path to divorce.
> 
> I don't know about your wife ... but my husband is a good man. He really is. He just made a bad decision. a VERY bad decision. And the guilt of it all was so bad he is in therapy for it. Now granted I thought it was because he was depressed (which it is, this caused him to go into a deep depression) and having a midlife (*oh boy IS he!?!* That is where the '_do I want to start a new life_' comes from) ... but everyone in my family from my close aunts to my own *MOTHER* tell me - *fight for your marriage*! He is a good man, and this is NOT him! And quite honestly ... I want to.
> 
> So I have been fighting *very very* hard. But I am starting to just get ... tired. This has been a week of hell for me. Monday we decided to divorce. I told my kids (21 & 24) and I told the the TRUTH as to why. They were both so, so angry - but have since calmed down and been in contact with him. They are still very angry w/him however. *Well, so am I*. Monday night I just picked up the phone and called him. Texts were flying back and forth so fast I couldn't keep up between when he left on Saturday morning and on Monday. He kept saying and asking the same things over and over and over - so I thought, enough of this. He needs to hear my VOICE. I need to HUMANIZE this conversation because I'm a real person damn it and not some works on a damn phone! So I did. And I laid it all out for him. Answered all his questions, gave him my opinion and feelings on several of the issues he said lead up to the affair ...and so I laid out our choices. 1) Divorce 2) Separation 3) Marriage Counseling. He keeps saying he has to get himself *'right'. * To be frank, he is having a mid life crisis from hell. _Who am I? What have I done w/my life? What do I want to do w/the rest of my life? _That stuff. He is 51 so JUST the right age. And its been going on for the past few years ... right around the time the affair began (2020). So I said, _are you really wanting to rush into a divorce when you don't even know your own mind?? Think about the options, take a few days and get back to me. If you want a divorce, then, okay. I'll call a lawyer_. Two days later (Wed) he texted and said he is struggling and can't be with me right now becuase has to get himself right. (i.e. figure out what he wants out of life). So he was on board w/separation. So he found a place to rent on the other side of the state, to rent month by month. (and YES the affair really is over, his dad lives over there) I told him if he needs to extend at the end of the month then ... do it. Whatever. I'd rather him be in his RIGHT mind before he decides. Because, despite it all I do love him very much and want to work it out. Because it takes 2 people in a marriage to make it right and I take partial responsibility becuase the time this began I was turning away from HIM, having my own issues (no affair though!!) Yesterday he texted me good morning and told me he chatted w/his therapist who suggested to take time but not 'too much time' as that isn't fair to anyone. Just to listen to his heart and it is either there or not. So honestly, I don't know which way it goes. *Heads, we reconcile and work really hard at getting to a better place and future. Tales he wants a divorce and I move on and find someone willing to share my life going forward. *I am only 47 years old. I want a partner, a companion. Romance. I am an empty nester and I have looked forward to this part of my life for 26 years! So duh, yeah...I want someone to spend the next however long with me! And its not that I'm afraid of starting over and being alone. Not at all. I actually love my HUSBAND, despite the horrible thing he did. And it *IS* horrible. Anyone who has had a spouse cheat, I'm sure knows that feeling of emptiness and loneliness after the anger wears off. But we have a history together / a bond - that I think is worth fighting for. BUT - _no matter how much you want someone to love you - and be with you .... it is impossible to MAKE them. _And so I will move on.
> 
> Thank GOD for my therapy. I've been going for about 3 months, since he started acting weird (the affair ended in May, ironically) and I wanted to understand what was going on between us and also work on myself - becuase I wanted to become a stronger person. And although I'm still working on that and will be for quite awhile, I think it has *REALLY* helped me get a grip on this situation and keep my feelings in check and think about it from a 'clinical' point of view.
> 
> It is so complicated, when you have such a long history with someone. When you can finish each others sentences. Carry on conversations using only movie quotes. When you automatically know what to order from the fast food joint down the street without asking, when you feel strange sleeping in a bed at night without them. Its not like we were married a few years and this happened. This is 2 kids, and deaths in the family and fun family vacations and Christmases and surgeries and everything wrapped in a neat, 26 year old box. I'm just not ... ready, to throw that box out yet. I think there is too much in it to just throw away. But. Again. If he decides he is out ... then I have no choice. I'm out as well. * And he will regret it. *And by then it will be too late because I will have moved on. Because as much as I love him and feel he is a part of me - I *WILL* move on and I *WILL* be happy. *I am confident of it.*


You just put in a lot of effort to respond to banned troll that seemed to come on here just to put out an email address.


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## Annemarie W

BigDaddyNY said:


> You just put in a lot of effort to respond to banned troll that seemed to come on here just to put out an email address.


oh. well. I'm new to this ... sorry. ;(


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## BigDaddyNY

Annemarie W said:


> oh. well. I'm new to this ... sorry. ;(


I wasn't trying to admonish you. Just sorry you may have wasted your time.


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## Annemarie W

well if someone reads it, its not a waste of time now is it?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Oaport said:


> They know we are separated and she will move out of the house but have no idea of the affair and that’s where I would like to keep it.


That would be a mistake. In a low key way, the adult children should know about the affair. At least the one you know of. 

It's almost a certainty there were more, btw.


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## Annemarie W

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That would be a mistake. In a low key way, the adult children should know about the affair. At least the one you know of.
> 
> It's almost a certainty there were more, btw.


Well there weren't more ... but one ongoing one, actually.


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## 352525

Oaport said:


> Two years ago my wife told me she wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated, depressed. After me insisting she finally came clean and told me she had an affair for the past seven years….. Again I was devastated and even went into depression. I even tried to commit suicide (I was just trying to get her attention) ended up in a mental hospital for a week ( I was basically forced)….. After a couple months we were able to talk things through, I forgave her, we went through couples therapy for about a year an a half……. Fast forward to almost exactly 2 years to the day when she first broke up with me and she again wants out :-(
> He reason: even tho we have a great relationship and almost never fought the past two years our financial status and definitely our lack of connection in the room makes her very unhappy.
> so after 26 years of marriage she just wants out….. is she cheating again? I think so.
> I’m not doing so good and is very hard to accept the fact that we are pretty much done
> Advice pls


Say goodbye and look for a good woman that wants to spend her life in love.


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## 352525

Jackba57 said:


> Say goodbye and look for a good woman that wants to spend her life in love.


I wish I had dumped mine and found a woman that loves me.


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## Chuck71

OP...... how are things going recently?


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