# Anyone divorced and stayed in the home?



## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

I was wondering if anyone has successfully divorced and stayed in the marital home together for financial reasons. This is something we might have to do for a short amount of time, maybe a few years. Was looking to see if anyone else has done this and has worked out.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Does the layout of your home allow you to each have a large area to yourself? For example, a house with a living room + bedroom downstairs and a game room + bedroom upstairs would allow two people to live there without stepping over each other all the time.

Can you give more background for why you'd have to stay together? And what is your relationship like? It seems you'd have to be pretty amicable to live together so long after the divorce. Any thoughts on how dating would work?


----------



## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

The house is pretty large. Two floors with plenty of bedrooms, two living rooms, etc. We just have a large family and need to get our younger three to graduation age before selling the house, plus we need to get more equity as we just recently bought the house (sigh). Neither of us can afford a place of our own big enough for our whole family.

I am guessing when dating time does eventually come around for either of us it would have to stay out of the house. I am thinking we would have to really live by pretty strict rules in the beginning. It's still pretty fresh so we're not really speaking to each other, but are communicating pretty well via email and text. We both agree we don't want to disturb the kid's lives and make as little change as possible. They come first.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

keepittogether said:


> We both agree we don't want to disturb the kid's lives and make as little change as possible. They come first.


Look into something called "nesting". It's where the kids stay in the family home and the parents switch off who lives there depending on the custody arrangement. So if it's 50/50, you'd live there a week, she'd live there a week, etc. That means you'd each have to have some other place to live in the off-week, but cost would be low since they could be small studio apartments.


----------



## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

We can't afford even a small studio. We would have to make this work. That's why I was looking for feedback from people who might have gone through it?


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

keepittogether said:


> I was wondering if anyone has successfully divorced and stayed in the marital home together for financial reasons. This is something we might have to do for a short amount of time, maybe a few years. Was looking to see if anyone else has done this and has worked out.


I did it. 

I lived in the guest house and he and the children lived in the main house - for the one year separation and then 3 years of divorce.

I think it was most certainly harder for him than me, and I think he thought I was going to change my mind. I didn't.

We set up a rule at the very beginning - no dates brought to the house, and we both honored that.


----------



## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

Practically speaking, yeah why not? But people will really find it weird and it will prevent you guys from having a new partner.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

while i have no information to whether it will work or not, if both parts can respect each other, and are clear on the duties and responsibilities, then why not...if anything if demonstrates to your kids that while you may not be in love with each other anymore you can still treat each other as roommates with a common interest the kids. but if he is still in love with you and he will heart burn when you begin to date then no, i would not do it.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

keepittogether said:


> The house is pretty large. Two floors with plenty of bedrooms, two living rooms, etc. We just have a large family and need to get our younger three to graduation age before selling the house, plus we need to get more equity as we just recently bought the house (sigh). Neither of us can afford a place of our own big enough for our whole family.
> 
> I am guessing when dating time does eventually come around for either of us it would have to stay out of the house. I am thinking we would have to really live by pretty strict rules in the beginning. It's still pretty fresh so we're not really speaking to each other, but are communicating pretty well via email and text. We both agree we don't want to disturb the kid's lives and make as little change as possible. They come first.


You might want to rethink the dating. My thought is that no one who is emotionally healthy is going to want to date a man or a woman who still lives in the same house as their ex husband/wife. Casual sex, probably yes. Real dating, no. I personally wouldn't touch a man who still lives with his ex!!


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Our priority was allowing our children to have access to both of us - not dating. So, if 'healthy' people are unable to understand that, that's fne.

My ex-husband became romantically involved with his assistant during this period, and they're still together.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sometimes people mention they are separated but still living in the same house until the divorce. It usually sounds antagonistic and resentful, with the spouses not talking unless necessary.

Dating would be very complicated. Not only for how it would work from as scheduling standpoint, but I would guess there would be jealousy from the other person. We often see posts from divorced people who can't let go and feel crushed when their ex moves on with someone else. What type of personality do you both have? Would both of you be able to handle the other dating? Even if you think you'll be okay, you might feel differently when she asks you to watch the kids so she can spend the night at some guy's house.

I know you said you want to do this for the kids, but carefully consider what the environment would be like. If you are giving each other the silent treatment and snipping all the time, it won't be good for the kids. There's a better chance for a healthy environment if you each have your own place. It sounds like your house is pretty big. If you sell it, maybe you each could afford a large enough apartment in the same school zone until the kids graduate.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One idea that might make it more workable is to treat the situation as a 50/50 custody nesting arrangement. So even though both of you are in the same house, each week one person has 100% of the responsibility and the other person can do whatever they want. So during your week, you are responsible for everything to run the house and family and it's essentially like she doesn't exist. Other than you make enough dinner for her to join the family if she wants, it's like she's not there. So if she wants to live with her boyfriend for the whole week, she can with no questions or resentment. And the same goes for you. During your off week, you have no household responsibilities and don't even have to be there if you don't want.

The reason I think this would make it more workable is that there would be less negotiation and shared responsibility during the week, which means less source of conflict. Each week one person has 0% responsibility, so there's never a question about who goes shopping, does laundry, makes dinner, takes the kids to practice, etc.


----------



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

The key is to set the rules UP FRONT. Everyone has to RESPECT the fact you are not married and shift to acting like roommates. It is not the ideal situation but you really have to sit down and figure out how things will look differently going forward. You won't be husband and wife so no since in still acting like it. Who does what now? What are the expectations for the upkeep of the house? I agree with "Wilson"...ou have to spell out the responsibilities and agree. it is easy to live like you were married and in that case why get divorced.

Then what the rules when it comes to dating again and bringing people to the house. If you all need to be that way for years...eventually one of you may meet someone. That may be awkward if the layout of the house doesn't give privacy.

I never lived togehter after divorce but i did live with my ex-husband as we were going through the divorce. Not the best scenario but good luck.


----------



## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Our priority was allowing our children to have access to both of us - not dating. So, if 'healthy' people are unable to understand that, that's fne.
> 
> My ex-husband became romantically involved with his assistant during this period, and they're still together.


This is where both myself and my H stand. We're putting our kids first. We want there to be as little impact on them as possible. Dating will be kept outside the home for now. I am personally not thinking about dating right now but in the future we are just going to have to handle that as it comes.



> The reason I think this would make it more workable is that there would be less negotiation and shared responsibility during the week, which means less source of conflict. Each week one person has 0% responsibility, so there's never a question about who goes shopping, does laundry, makes dinner, takes the kids to practice, etc.


We are going to try to work in a schedule of on/off days, but with the kids being involved in so many sports we wind up having to shuffle our schedules around to go to practices, etc. I'll be okay if he's dating because I've had more time in knowing it's been over - I think he'll have a harder time if I end up dating in the next five years before the house sells. I plan to keep any and all dating quiet and outside the home - though it's the last thing on my mind at this point.

I think we can at least try and make it work. It won't hurt to try for the sake of the kids.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

dup


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I think the concept is absolute lunacy...........


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't know why I keep thinking about this thread. I suppose because it's such a challenging problem with no clear solution. What you are proposing is probably one of the most difficult relationship states to be in. Not only do you need to have to maintain an amicable relationship with your ex, you have to do so while living in the same house. You both will have to go into this knowing you are doing it for the kids and your personal feelings will need to not be a concern. Both of you *will* be unhappy with the situation at some point and you'll just have to swallow it and move on rather than rage at the other person.

One thing you will also want to discuss now is what happens if it is not working out. Let's face it, emotions are unpredictable. No matter how well you think it will go, your emotions may not cooperate. There needs to be an abort option that either of you can activate if you don't think it's working out. While you're still calm and getting along, discuss what would happen to the living arrangements should one of you decide it's no longer feasible to live together.

And aside from the relationship issues, you'll also have financial issues. On a more practical aspect, you'll have deal with the how to split up the house and then both still live in it. Usually assets are divided up during the divorce, and I would expect the house to be the same. Maybe you both stay on the deed as if you were two individuals who bought the house. A lawyer will probably need to guide you here. And when you divide up all the assets, you'll need to worry about it becoming contentious. If one of you thinks the other is getting too much, it may build resentment. Living together may complicate any alimony or child support. If you don't establish those because you're living together, what happens if one of you leaves? And if one leaves, how does custody get split? There will probably be lots of little details like that, so be sure you talk to your lawyer and work everything out.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

For me my life could not start being normal or moving forward until we physically lived separately. I would find anyway to make it work and sell the house, cut all financial ties as it will drive you insane and none of you can realistically move on with your lives which is what you need to do.

Just my opinion though, I was a mess living with my X


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

keepittogether said:


> The house is pretty large. Two floors with plenty of bedrooms, two living rooms, etc. We just have a large family and need to get our younger three to graduation age before selling the house, plus we need to get more equity as we just recently bought the house (sigh). Neither of us can afford a place of our own big enough for our whole family.
> 
> I am guessing when dating time does eventually come around for either of us it would have to stay out of the house. I am thinking we would have to really live by pretty strict rules in the beginning. It's still pretty fresh so we're not really speaking to each other, but are communicating pretty well via email and text. We both agree we don't want to disturb the kid's lives and make as little change as possible. They come first.


I do know three couples who tried to stay in the same house instead of separating, but in all three cases it didn't work. Mind you these are British houses and nothing like as large as most American ones. By the sound of it you have a very big house, but in that case cant you both get a small place on your own? Ok you have the children, but if you live very near each other the children can decide who they want to live with full time but still see the other parent often.

I think its healthier to separate if the marriage is really over, otherwise if you get on well enough to remain together for years, why is the marriage ending?

You can't begin to make a life for yourself while you are still seeing each other every day and sharing the same house. Also if one of you meet someone else, how are they going to feel if their partner still lives with their former spouse?


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I was reading your other posts .... Wow.... What a spot you are in.

I think you need to come up with another solution. Only in the best possible case can it work out where exes are both are in the same house, but it doesn't seem like that's what we have here. So we can continue this thread as a theoretical discussion, but it's clear to me that you personally should be looking into another solution.

I know you're worried about space for the kids, but kids don't have to have a big house. Kids would rather be in a safe, small apartment with a tiny kitchen and 3 to a bedroom rather than living in a house with a scary drunk man. Living in the same house is sure to have lots of stress, so a relapse would always be a concern.

Your desperation to keep your kids happy comes through in your posts, but you're grasping at straws with this idea. Resolve to yourself that you will have your own place and think of ways to make that happen. Obviously that will come with some sacrifices, but I guarantee you it's better than you both trying to live in the same house.


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Who initiated this separation?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

JBTX said:


> Who initiated this separation?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I’m sorry. According to another post in this thread there is a substance abuse issue(?) I’ll assume you’re wanting out then(?)

I separated from my ex in January 2017 and I’ve been divorced since September. I couldn’t imagined being in the house with her still. 

It’ll get bad. Y’all need your own space. Thankful for the space I got, even though I didn’t want it in the beginning. 

I know money is an issue. I’m sorry about that. It sucks. But this will probably get crazy and extremely dysfunctional. 

Please be careful! Sending Love!!!! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

