# Afraid of marriage. Likes what we have. Now what?



## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

My previous post about this can be found here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/223474-male-perspective-please.html

Background, he knows I want to have a family some day. In theory, so would he. We dated for three years. Out of which the last year was long distance. He was divorced four years ago. I've known him for 8 years (when we first became friends he hadn't met the girl he later married). 

He had initiated marriage talks and backed out recently. He's not sure he ever wants to get married. He initiated the marriage talk because he was afraid of losing me - Since he knows I wouldn't be able to move on and care about someone while having daily contact with him. He can't imagine life without me. So, he thought to attempt to work with the idea of marriage because he knows it's important to me. Despite talking to me about marriage, he couldn't bring himself to feel like getting married.

Though he doesn't feel like getting married, he maintains lifestyle changes he made because of knowing the happiness it gives me. This includes cutting back on drinking (it had gotten out of hand post his divorce) and working out.

Even after clarifying he doesn't want to get married, he verbalizes that my being in his life makes his life better. And, it's because of me that he hasn't had a drink in a month and takes better care of himself and exercises.

It feels like we have everything but it's fear or lack of motivation to take things to marriage.

Any suggestions on what eases a man when he feels that way?
Or any comments or suggestions in general?

We enjoy our time together. I just don't really know, what next? Where to from here?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give us a bit more info?

How old are the two of you?

Does he feel like he was taken to the cleaners in his divorce?

What % of your joint income do you earn?


----------



## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Could you give us a bit more info?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...


We're both in our early 30s.

No, because he his divorce was mutually filed without fault.

He refuses to use my income. He prides himself in being the provider. During our marriage talks, he said the only thing my income would be used for is vacations, etc. It takes a lot from my part to get him to let me pay for dinner when we go out. That or when I buy him gifts are the only times I get to contribute. And, in my opinion that's not enough. I've tried numerous times but he just doesn't let me do more.

If there's anything else I've left out, please do ask.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live with him?

Are you living with him?

How are your expenses handled right now? Does he pay for everything?

Do you have a joint account with him? What is the plan after marriage? Are you two going to have joint checking, savings, etc? Or would he keep his money in his own accounts can you keep yours in your own accounts?


----------



## Believe in the Best (Sep 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you live with him?
> 
> Are you living with him?
> 
> ...


Are long distance at the moment.

We handle our own expenses. He only pays for things when we are together.

No joint account. The plan had been to have a joint account after marriage with everything together - checking and savings. This was his idea.

He also wanted to purchase a home in both of our names. Because of his own thinking, he wanted to purchase the home. Again, his idea of both refusing my money for the home but wanting to purchase it with both of our names. He said he wanted us to get married after the home was purchased. We were going to meet up for Thanksgiving and get married by December.

Though he was the one that wanted to get married. Now he's not into the concept of marriage. I'm not exactly sure what we are at the moment. But we Skype daily.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

unmarried and long distance means single to a lot of men.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You know this guy and I don't, but he's known you for 8 years. That's a very long time to warm up to the idea of marriage and he seems to only bring it up at this point when he fears you'll bail. Wants to buy a house in both your names and then talk about marriage. That probably means lock you into a financial/security arrangement so you'll quit asking about a ring. He gets some level of hook into you so you won't bail but the hook isn't as deep or potential painful as a marriage. Selling a house or signing a quit claim is pretty quick and simple. Divorce is not. 
There may be two possibilities (or more) happening here. Maybe he is waiting for a better deal. He knew you but married someone else. He might fear he's not ready for a life of sobriety, working out, eating granola, or whatever else his life might look like if he marries you. Quitting drinking, getting married, joining the Foreign Legion or any other major life change needs to be his idea and he needs to do it for his own reasons and not to please you. If he doesn't, his "changes" will be fleeting and will probably be accompanied by lots of deception and resentment. Whether he is agreeable or not, I wouldn't recommend marrying the guy you think he is today or the one you believe he might be next year. Marry the guy he's been for the past 8 years, warts and all. That's who he is. He's indecisive, noncommittal, and prone to substance abuse. I'm sure he's got great qualities, too, but he's got some major malfunctions and you probably don't know all of them. 
You say he prides himself on being a good provider. What do you know of his current finances. Not what he's told you, but what do you actually know about them? Not looking for his ability to support you but looking for evidence that his behavior matches his words. I'd just toss this last little bit out there for what it's worth. He's been stringing you along for quite a long time. That's rather disrespectful. He refuses to consider your income important for bills, house, etc but considers himself in the provider role. That could also be considered a bit disrespectful. These are your words:
We handle our own expenses. He only pays for things when we are together.

No joint account. The plan had been to have a joint account after marriage with everything together - checking and savings. This was his idea.

He also wanted to purchase a home in both of our names. Because of his own thinking, he wanted to purchase the home. Again, his idea of both refusing my money for the home but wanting to purchase it with both of our names. He said he wanted us to get married after the home was purchased. We were going to meet up for Thanksgiving and get married by December.

Though he was the one that wanted to get married. Now he's not into the concept of marriage.

Notice every bit of this are his ideas and you are expected to roll with each of them? How does he respond if you have a major disagreement with him? Any history of domestic violence with this guy? There are inconsistencies here that bother me. He wants to be the leader and be in control, be the provider (in the future) but he can't make a plan and stick with it. Wouldn't surprise me if he could turn out to be quite manipulative and maybe even abusive.


----------

