# Frustrated, Lack of Sex in Marriage



## hockeyrink (Oct 12, 2020)

Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.

I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough... 

If I bring up the issue, it'll probably be met with anger. "I'll do what I want" or "if you don't like it, too bad." Or something like that. I am at the point where I am tempted to look at other options (ie) have an affair. I almost feel like it's her fault. Just because we're a bit older, why does our love life have to end? Everything seems more important to her than our relationship, especially the physical part of it. She is not having an affair, if that was the next question! I don't think she's interested enough in sex or relationships for that... 

I really don't want to push the issue because I am sure that it won't go well. She's too stubborn. I don't want to walk away as there is a lot at stake... HELP...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

hockeyrink said:


> I am at the point where I am tempted to look at other options (ie) have an affair. I almost feel like it's her fault.


If you decide to have an affair, that is 100% on you. There are other options and there is no excuse to have an affair.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> 
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> ...


marriage therapy is probably going to be the best solution, but somehow I have the feeling that you will say that she will balk at the idea.

Are you making sure that you are taking up an equal share of the household chores, especially if she is working outside the home? By equal, note that if she is a homemaker, yes she will have the overall lion's share, but you should still make sure that you are doing your part as well. Otherwise, you need to make sure you are doing as much as she for household duties.

Don't have the affair. Going behind backs is never good. If you are going to go the non-monogamous route, then at least be ethical about it. Make sure she knows you are going to do it and why. The ball will be in her court. Either she is going to up her game or she is going to want out. The whole, "if you don't like it, too bad" can work both ways.

Are you ever in the situation where she is the one initiating sex?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Have you asked your wife if she is having an affair?

Have you told her that you can not continue in a sexless marriage?

Has she given any options or does she just shut the conversation down?

Have you talked with a lawyer about what a divorce would look like.

Cheating is never the answer.

An open marriage isn’t the answer in this situation either, your relationship is to rocky for it to even have a chance at working.

Have you asked your wife if it is ok for you to get your needs met elsewhere?

Are you ok if she decides that she wants the same? Even though she doesn’t want sex with you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> 
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> ...


If you aren't willing to walk, or at least willing to allow the marriage to wither on the vine, there is really nothing to do but sit and take it. 

What does allowing the marriage to wither look like?

Have you ever told your wife you are not really interested doing something she has asked you for?

Start there.

Start doing more things for yourself. Take up jiujitsu or another martial art a few times a week. Go out to dinner with guy friends. Immerse yourself in kids and hobbies.

Reduce her priority in your life to somewhere south of zero.

Show her, through your actions, that you value yourself too much to continue to provide her comfort while she does the opposite to you.

If she says nothing about it, your marriage is finished. If she does say something, your response should be something akin to:

"Wife, you've made it clear that you have no interest in what's important to me in our marriage. I'm now embracing that approach. If you decide you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

Then go pursue your hobbies...unless she shows with ACTIONS that she wants to improve things. 

Never watch what she says. Always watch what she does. 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I've always heard hormones are to blame. Like, why do guys have their hormones hit in their teenage years so they want to sleep with everything, but for women, it generally hits them in their 30's? Why kind of planning is that Mother Nature!? </rant>

Anyway, maybe test for those? 



hockeyrink said:


> If I bring up the issue, it'll probably be met with anger. "I'll do what I want" or "if you don't like it, too bad." Or something like that. * I am at the point where I am tempted to look at other options (ie) have an affair. *I almost feel like it's her fault. Just because we're a bit older, why does our love life have to end? Everything seems more important to her than our relationship, especially the physical part of it. She is not having an affair, if that was the next question! I don't think she's interested enough in sex or relationships for that...
> 
> I really don't want to push the issue because I am sure that it won't go well. She's too stubborn. I don't want to walk away as there is a lot at stake... HELP...


Well, here is an unfortunate truth: if you don't want to have uncomfortable conversations, this isn't going to get fixed. I'm not even married and I know that. 
If you don't have the balls to say "Hey, wife! We need to discuss our sex life, because I am not happy getting it 1x a month! What is wrong, and how do we fix this?" Your problem will never be fixed. And her response will tell you everything you need to know. 

She might not know why. Again, I'd say get her hormones tested, buy yourself some weights to get in better shape, and maybe that fixes it? 
She might ask for a compromise. You want it 5x a week, she want's it once a month. Compromise, to 2-3x a week. 
Or she might go ballistic and tell you "Well, I'm completely satisfied, and don't see any reason to change. And I'm not going to, so take care of it yourself." To which I would say you probably want to divorce, because your sex life will only get worse from here on out. 

Lastly, to the part I bolded: having an affair. 
How about you TRY having the uncomfortable conversation you keep trying to avoid, before going with the nuclear mutually-assured-destruction approach? 
Or, one of my favorite things to suggest to people in situations like yours, tell your wife "Listen, I want sex 3x a week. And I'm tired of not getting it 3x a week. So I'm going to start getting it 3x a week, whether that's with you or not is your choice. But the first week I don't get it 3x a week, I'll be going out to see a divorce lawyer. Because I am tired of telling you this isn't working for you to say you feel no need to change things."


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> 
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> ...


So your needs aren't being met and she doesn't seem to care.

When you go to have this conversation first you need to have it at a time when you aren't approaching for sex and second as an I based statements not blame or the you based statements.

Next have you examined her needs? Is she tire, exhausted, doing all the work? Are you two still dating? Do you spend time with her without kids talking about things not kid related? Usually there is more in the dynamic going on then just sex but the sex oriented person can't see the other issues. Does she frequently have to ask you to do things? Do you cuddle? Do you have loving touch without expectations of sex?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

The thing about ultimatums, some people react badly to them, especially stubborn people, because they feel they are being coerced. So, don’t give an ultimatum you’re not comfortable with going either way.

Sometimes it’s possible to get a point across strongly without threatening a divorce or to cheat. 

Have you even talked to her about it? Or expressed anything about the current situation?

What’s the frequency? Ages?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Or, one of my favorite things to suggest to people in situations like yours, tell your wife "Listen, I want sex 3x a week. And I'm tired of not getting it 3x a week. So I'm going to start getting it 3x a week, whether that's with you or not is your choice. But the first week I don't get it 3x a week, I'll be going out to see a divorce lawyer. Because I am tired of telling you this isn't working for you to say you feel no need to change things."


Why is that one of your favorite things to suggest to people in these situations? Have you tried it yourself? Known how many to try it, and with what consequence?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> *Never watch what she says. Always watch what she does. *


Sexuality in a long term relationship does not play by rules of democratic fairness. There needs to be some element of an uncomfortable risk and the motivation to pursue it. An example might be that you enjoy being a little more flirtatious around your female friends in a way that might make your wife jealous. Start doing nice things for other people in a way that your wife notices and gets jealous. Let her loose complete control over who you are and what it is that you choose to do with your day (as long as you are doing something positive for yourself and other people). 

Then only pay attention to what she does and not what she says!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> 
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> ...


Well, your marriage needs to be a priority for both of you if you're going to succeed.

Sexual frequency is needed and I'm sure other areas as well.

She might be feeling a lack in some areas as well but hasn't communicated with you or she has but you might not have really heard her.

Her response to you is troubling and shows that your relationship is in real danger.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hockeyrink said:


> If I bring up the issue, it'll probably be met with anger. "I'll do what I want" or "if you don't like it, too bad." Or something like that. I am at the point where I am tempted to look at other options (ie) have an affair.


In my opinion that type of behavior and response is like a sh!t test of sorts. She wants to test you and see if you do something to prove that the marriage is based on love and not just using her for more sex. But it is one that creates a self fulfilling prophecy of pain as there is not really anything you can do to prove to her that she is loved. If you set sex aside and focus on being romantic it serves to be emasculating and make you appear weak/undesirable. If you insist on more sex it only serves to make her feel used/unloved. If you withdraw and ignore her, that serves to validate her ideas that the marriage is no longer based on love. Ultimately she wants to validate her fear that without sex that you will leave her for another woman. 

So what you can do is validate her fear without going so far as to actually be unfaithful. Comment on how attractive other people look. When your wife fails to take care of herself or dress nice, make it a point to let her know and perhaps make the suggestion that she should buy some nicer cloths. Make it a point for yourself to dress nice and wear cologne sometimes (choose one that you have never worn or get a bunch of samples so that you smell different everyday). Buy different laundry detergents and fabric softeners only for your cloths so that everything smells different about you. Switch shampoo and soaps just for yourself. 

Basically turn your marriage into a movie that would have been written by the Duplass brothers. Allow yourself to have extreme passive aggressive tantrums like the one of altering every smell in the house about yourself. This will make your wife notice something is different and you will smell as if you live somewhere else even though you are always at home. 

Tell your wife she needs to brush her teeth the next time you feel an argument coming on about sex. 

Ultimately asking her to wear nicer cloths and asking her to brush her teeth are things that say, "I care about the way you look and want you to take care of your health." Which is also a way to let her know that you lover her. Albeit it is a rather passive aggressive way to go about it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## WV_MtnMama (Oct 13, 2020)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> 
> ...


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Ok here is my take. You said you are attracted to your wife. Sex use to be really good. Sex was once a week. Not enough but better than once a month. I assume she enjoyed it as well. So what changed? Something had to have happened. Is her work load more than before? You have two kids. Maybe this is a stress level situation. My wife is LD. We go twice a week. But the second time I need to go slow with kissing and touching to get her engine going. Then its game on. Or a massage. So here is what I recommend. I say take a soft approach. Find the right time to just talk.to her in a way that's non combative.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Why is that one of your favorite things to suggest to people in these situations? Have you tried it yourself? Known how many to try it, and with what consequence?


Mostly because it's a blunt way for people to start having uncomfortable conversations that most people try everything in their power to avoid. And the response they'll get will generally give them an idea of if the situation is able to be fixed, or never going to change. 
For example, if she says she doesn't see a problem and isn't willing to change, OP can either learn to live with it, or divorce. And she can't complain about being blind-sided by this. He is literally telling her I am unhappy, I can't keep doing this, and I will divorce if nothing changes. 
Or maybe she'll get ticked at him, and call him a pig. In which case, I would say it's probably not going to change. You shouldn't have to beg your spouse to have sex with you more than...what, 3x a year? 

And I used the line on some girl that I was dating, but she was always super busy. 
So I told her, essentially the same thing I suggested to OP. 3x a week, with you, or whoever else. 
Come to find out, she was ok with that, and would comply. But that she wanted me to do something romantic everytime she came to bed with me. 
And to her, romance = going out somewhere nice, my place for some wine (or hers, though usually mine), and then she would jump me. 
That's when I came to realize she was pretty much selling sex for dinners. When I offered to cook (and I am a talented cook) she said that wasn't fun, because she wanted to go out. 
And I broke it off. 
Showed me her true nature.


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Thanks, I have a fairly similar challenge and reading these posts was very helpful. Thank you!


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## 22yearsin (Aug 12, 2018)

hockeyrink said:


> Been married for 14 years with 2 kids. I am and have always been attracted to my wife. My biggest frustration is her lack of willingness to have sex. It used to be more frequent, for a few years it was about once a week. The past few months has been really infrequent. The sex has always been really really good. The problem is the lack of frequency.
> 
> I'm sure the questions will come... "What's her complaint or excuse?" I think the answer is that she's not interested. She is always busy or tired and simply not interested. It almost seems like she does it as a duty. I can't say she doesn't enjoy it when we have sex because it seems clear she does. Just not often enough...
> 
> ...


You need to stop focusing on the lack of sex in the relationship. Its impairing your ability to notice other things that maybe be off. If you're able to look at records of her phone log, do it. Has anything changed with her, hobbies, new friends, working later. Your story was word for word mine 4 years ago. Check and see how she is with her phone? Is she protective of it or not?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

The cardinal rule here is you can negotiate frequency but you CANNOT negotiate desire. It’s either there or it’s not. Usually it’s either hormonal, emotional or psychological.

YOU can’t do anything the three reasons above that’s up to her. 

The relationship breaking down is invalidating a partner not thru the lack of sex per say but not seeing it as an “us” problem. It’s the same as you not feeling like working anymore and being fine with your standard of living and they are not. But hey it’s a “them” problem since you lack desire for anything material. It’s fine being a “them”‘problem until the lifestyle upgrades AND the bills aren’t funded then it’s an “us” issue. Financial security and splurging yield positive and negative emotions. Sex is no different in terms of emotional currency. A lack of emotional currency bankrupts the relationship.

I just don’t think she realizes the erosion it’s causing. Many women have ZEROS idea there is an emotional component to sex for men. And while you are married, the lack of sexual desire will turn you into friends. And she needs to be told by a third-party that she is losing you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It appears OP is a hit and run, one post 25 days ago, new account if I read it right.

Maybe he'll check back, maybe not.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> Usually it’s either hormonal, emotional or psychological.


Not to nitpick the wording, but I think it’s worth noting it could be combinations thereof.

And, no matter why or how it starts, it can evolve and grow more complicated over time. And depending on how uncomfortable one factor may be to see, sometimes humans rationalize towards other factors.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> The relationship breaking down is invalidating a partner not thru the lack of sex per say but not seeing it as an “us” problem.


So very true. IME, I can live without sex, and thrive. Not as happy or fulfilled as I might have been, but it doesn’t break me.

What’s hard is knowing I’m rejected, she is consciously aware enough to know it hurts, and doesn’t care enough to engage in any way with anyone or anything to try to close the gap. Willful negligence is not love.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> So very true. IME, I can live without sex, and thrive. Not as happy or fulfilled as I might have been, but it doesn’t break me.
> 
> *What’s hard is knowing I’m rejected, she is consciously aware enough to know it hurts, and doesn’t care enough to engage in any way with anyone or anything to try to close the gap. Willful negligence is not love.*


THIS is what the core problem in many/most sexless marriages, I think. It's not the lack of sex, it's the lack of CARE.
There rarely is any solution for this...sadly.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> So very true. IME, I can live without sex, and thrive. Not as happy or fulfilled as I might have been, but it doesn’t break me.
> 
> *What’s hard is knowing I’m rejected, she is consciously aware enough to know it hurts, and doesn’t care enough to engage in any way with anyone or anything to try to close the gap. Willful negligence is not love.*


THIS is what my wife and I are working on. She intellectually understands it, yet she cannot in any way relate to it? Not on an emotional level? And somehow any discussion of it leading to divorce isn't fair? Which makes one feel even-more rejected because there's no validation of your feelings.

The ability or willingness or just plain automatic rejection of intimacy by a spouse isn't a simple thing to deal with because the reasons for that rejection are often complex. For my wife, it's a magic power she holds, a veto that can't be over-ridden because whether male or female, you have control over access to your body. Unwanted sex fits into the category of rape, so like I said, she has absolute veto power here, for good reason. 

Therapy is frustrating, because the therapist explaining how it takes time kind of goes against the purpose of resolving the issue, when much of the problem is one party thinking it will just blow over if he/she ignores it. But we're getting somewhere. It's taking some imaginative solutions, like me working with her on the things that are tough for her to get through. That sounds good, but it really isn't, when the things needing to be worked on deal with private stuff, things that you hadn't discussed with your partner. OK, TMI. Wishing everyone the best in whatever they face!


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