# Lack of sex on husbands part



## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I feel so frustrated. My husband doesn't want sex nearly as much as I would. We have sex every 2-3 weeks and the foreplay is awkward. I don't feel like my sexual self with him since I'm scared of rejection or will he like this etc. When he doesn't have sex with me it makes me feel like he is not sexually attracted to me. Is this possible? He does look at porn on line so I know his desire is there but seems like it's more for other naked woman. I also thought maybe I get to wet and it's not that enjoyable for him. I spoke to him about these issues but it's a different excuse everytime. He blames his weight, or medication, or gets defensive and says sorry one every other week isn't good enough. He is definitely not cheating on me but I feel depressed. How can I change this? I send him sexual texts or nude pics and he will say "yeah buddy" sometimes I want to hear what he is going to do to me when he gets ahold of me. How do I fix this? Only married a year , we shouldn't be in a rut already. Advise please!


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

The first question for me that comes to mind is, how often in the past have you rejected him for sex? 
If he figures he's reached his quota of rejection why would he want to get rejected any more?
After a guy gets rejected so much, he'll just give up, watch porn and spank one out. Porn and masturbation don't reject. 


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## marriedwifeof4ki (Sep 19, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> I feel so frustrated. My husband doesn't want sex nearly as much as I would. We have sex every 2-3 weeks and the foreplay is awkward. I don't feel like my sexual self with him since I'm scared of rejection or will he like this etc. When he doesn't have sex with me it makes me feel like he is not sexually attracted to me. Is this possible? He does look at porn on line so I know his desire is there but seems like it's more for other naked woman. I also thought maybe I get to wet and it's not that enjoyable for him. I spoke to him about these issues but it's a different excuse everytime. He blames his weight, or medication, or gets defensive and says sorry one every other week isn't good enough. He is definitely not cheating on me but I feel depressed. How can I change this? I send him sexual texts or nude pics and he will say "yeah buddy" sometimes I want to hear what he is going to do to me when he gets ahold of me. How do I fix this? Only married a year , we shouldn't be in a rut already. Advise please!


I dealt with a similar situation during our 1st year of marriage. My husband had been masturbating so much that he could not get it up. I even watched porn with him, but that just encouraged him.

When I wanted sex, I would start masturbating with him in the room. I would get his attention and we made love.. 

What have you tried?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> How do I fix this?


Trust me - you can't. He has to fix it.

First thing is to cut all porn out until you have gotten to the root of the problem. It might also be a good time to get him the docs and have all the medical stuff checked. Don't assume he doesn't find you attractive as there could be many reasons why his interest in sex is low, particularly as you have only been married a year. Sometimes porn is used to self medicate another problem. It may be that he is is excessively tired or stressed, lacks confidence, ED.....

Although it makes sense to send pics to him to try and get his attention, it often doesn't work that way. Rather than exciting him it may be making him feel under pressure to perform which can make things worse. 

Sorry you are going through this, it is very demoralizing I know, but please don't jump to any conclusions just yet.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Thank you all for your kind words. I have never rejected my husband of sex ever. So it's definitely not that. Believe me there's times I didn't want too but I did. I never wanted him to feel rejected now I'm the one feeling that way.


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## switcher (Sep 19, 2016)

Weight gain?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Walk us through a typical initiation/rejection scenario. What does it look like? Setting, time of day? What do you say/do before he gives his excuses?


Have you straight out told him how much this hurts you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Sorry, some of you guys just triggered me.

I was in the OP’s situation for over 2 decades. It doesn’t help that the first question that pops out of some of your mouths is “did you reject him” and “did you gain weight”. Women are not stupid or incapable of introspection, most of us know when we are less attractive and why. *What some of you refuse to accept is that there are many men who stop having sex with their SO’s for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with their SO.
*
Asking those questions is the equivalent of seeking to make the OP’s situation her fault. Isn’t she already in enough pain? I know I was. Don’t compound it.

:soapbox:


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Tiffy726: I am sorry so many people jumped to the conclusion that it may be partly your fault. Most likely it is not.

Do not be fooled by the idea that all men are horny for all women all the time. Lots of guys are low drive. Lots of guys pretend to be higher drive before they get married because they can't bear to have anyone think they are not "manly". Then they get married and they feel safe to stop pretending and they stop having sex. Their wives are shocked to discover he is not all that into sex. How can this be? Aren't all men always into sex? No.

Might be something you have done or are not doing. But there is a good chance it has nothing to do with you.


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## switcher (Sep 19, 2016)

You'd be surprised how many people are in denial about their weight.

It's a HUGE factor.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

switcher said:


> You'd be surprised how many people are in denial about their weight.


And how, pray tell, does that happen? We step on the scale and read the number or if not, we notice clothes that no longer fit.

Sheesh.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

switcher said:


> You'd be surprised how many people are in denial about their weight.
> 
> It's a HUGE factor.


and even if so, it should not be an excuse to keep a man from performing his husbandly duties. (unless she is morbidly obese).


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> I feel so frustrated. My husband doesn't want sex nearly as much as I would. We have sex every 2-3 weeks and the foreplay is awkward. I don't feel like my sexual self with him since I'm scared of rejection or will he like this etc. When he doesn't have sex with me it makes me feel like he is not sexually attracted to me. Is this possible? He does look at porn on line so I know his desire is there but seems like it's more for other naked woman. I also thought maybe I get to wet and it's not that enjoyable for him. I spoke to him about these issues but it's a different excuse everytime. He blames his weight, or medication, or gets defensive and says sorry one every other week isn't good enough. He is definitely not cheating on me but I feel depressed. How can I change this? I send him sexual texts or nude pics and he will say "yeah buddy" sometimes I want to hear what he is going to do to me when he gets ahold of me. How do I fix this? Only married a year , we shouldn't be in a rut already. Advise please!



If you're doing all these things then in my opinion you have nothing to fix. YOU'RE AWESOME! It may be his issue. Talk about it with him. Force it out of him if you have to. All I can say is you both have to agree up front that there will be no judgments or anger from either of you during the talk. You have to create a safe space where you both feel safe and comfortable opening up otherwise one or both of you will clam up and accomplish nothing. At least that's what the $200/hour marriage/infidelity therapist we're seeing tells us. I might as well get a good return on investment by sharing their advice with others. Maybe it can help. They also suggest that if you're both not comfortable saying these things face to face then write them down and exchange letters. Same rules apply, however. NO judgment, NO anger. NO arguing. These things are how you feel, there is no right or wrong so there's no point in arguing about how another person feels. If you do this you can get to the truth but prepare yourself. Sometimes we can't handle the truth.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> and even if so, it should not be an excuse to keep a man from performing his husbandly duties. (unless she is morbidly obese).


Exactly. And I would take that further and say even if a partner is morbidly obese at least have the talk that lets them know they are unhappy with that.

It is the not knowing what is going on that is the hardest thing. When our spouses clam up and do not offer a solution or an explanation. OP has had the talk with him and he is not offering anything or meeting her half way.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Look to me he might be gay.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I have been married 20 years and my drive has always been higher than my DH. 

Things are rarely solved in a sexual mismatch. I know I also thought if I could be more attractive, sexy, etc it would make him want sex as much as I did and we could have the sex life that I had expected and dreamed of. 

The bad news is that people rarely if ever change. If both parties are interested in making the marriage work there needs to be a compromise. The HD partner will not have all the sex they would like and the LD partner will have more sex than they would like. But both partners can recognise the importance of this and make it a priority. 

And although it is painful, if you are keeping your feelings inside that is likely not helping matters. I pretended things were fine forever not wanting to hurt feelings. Finally I got to a point I saw divorce over this matter in the future and I was angry enough to say the things I had been keeping inside. In the end the truth added to the intimacy and it is now much easier to discuss sex with him. 

When you send a sexy pic and he doesn't give you the response you would like - my DH does that too. I stopped sending them actually. Because that takes some nerve and it doesn't feel good to get a lukewarm response. 

I'm sorry, I known it stinks. I have gotten things worked out with DH to a point we are both happy with our sex life, so that is possible. But it was from realistic compromise and not from sudden desire on his part.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Look to me he might be gay.


Just wondering if when a man comes here and says his wife only wants to have sex every 2 weeks - you suggest she might actually be a lesbian.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I respect what @MissScarlett writes and I agree to some extent.

However...I just wanted to say in 2014 my sex life was at zero. Now we have sex almost daily and although we occasionally still have our problems we are worlds away from where we used to be. What we needed to do was to get to the bottom of our issues, verbalise everything, be vulnerable and honest. Then we went back to basics as though we were new partners. 

The hardest part was getting my H to be honest with me, and on my part being prepared to toughen up a little.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Thank you again for all your insight. It helps talking with people who understand. My weight is not the issue. I may have gained 10 -15 pounds since we met but nothing more than that. He does have a weight issue but I still and always will desire him. Getting sex started is very awkward. I'm reserved because I'm nervous of his,reactions and he will just say you wanna do it? That gets old. Then I perform oral and we get at it. He very seldom performs oral back. Every once in a blue moon. Will he do it. After oral or sex, I always tell him how good it was and can't wait to do it again. But we wait weeks.....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

While the situation where the husband wants more sex than the wife is more frequently discussed, the revers is pretty common too. There are a surprising number of men who don't want sex often, don't want much variety, are not interested in pleasing their partners - in general are LD (low desire).

If you have already looked at all the obvious things that you *can* change - and I expect you have, then you are stuck.

I don't think the genders matter. There is a sad pattern where the HD partner becomes willing to do almost anything for the LD, and the LD doesn't appreciate it because they don't want sex. I've been in this situation with the genders reversed, and after 30 years (really) of trying everything I could think of, have finally come to the conclusion that in my situation and I believe many other LD/HD situations:

1) Its NOT a problem with the HD. There HD is not ugly, out of shape, a poor lover, unhelpful, demanding, beta, etc. They can improve themselves in various ways, but none of them will make the LD want sex.

2). The LD doesn't want sex. They do not want it in the bed, they do not want it in a shed. They don't want it in the afternoon, they don't want in with a full moon. They do not want sex.


So your miserable choices are:

Leave. 

Cheat. 

Live with a limited sex life. 


The last is probably only tolerable if you can convince yourself that the lack of sex does not reflect on your lack of desirability but on your partners lack of sex drive. 

Cheating is probably not worth it because if you cheat you will realize what you are missing and leave anyway - but you will do so feeling like you were responsible. 

You have my sympathy - its really miserable


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiffy726 said:


> Thank you all for your kind words. I have never rejected my husband of sex ever. So it's definitely not that. Believe me there's times I didn't want too but I did. I never wanted him to feel rejected now I'm the one feeling that way.


There is a stereo type that if a husband does not want sex with his wife, it's her fault. She's probably rejected him too often, of she got fact, etc etc. That's usually not the case. The fact is that men chose to withhold sex and/or make their marriage sexless (sex 10 or fewer times a year) as often as women do. Typically women don't talk about it because they know that they will be blamed, they are ashamed and confused.

My suggestion is that you do some reading on the topic. It will help you get grounded and might even help you find something to improve your situation.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage

Sex-Starved Wives


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

And I will say I'm the biggest girl he has been with. His ex girlfriends were super skinny so that's why I say maybe he's not sexually attracted.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> And I will say I'm the biggest girl he has been with. His ex girlfriends were super skinny so that's why I say maybe he's not sexually attracted.


But her married YOU...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Just wondering if when a man comes here and says his wife only wants to have sex every 2 weeks - you suggest she might actually be a lesbian.


Why throw the feminist card, it is either her weight or he is gay. Or both. That is on base of the given info.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why throw the feminist card, it is either her weight or he is gay. Or both. That is on base of the given info.


I'm curious, what makes you think he's gay? The previous girlfriends? The sex every 2-3 weeks with his wife? The porn use (featuring naked women)? All of that was in post #1. Where is the part that indicates gay?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why throw the feminist card, it is either her weight or he is gay. Or both. That is on base of the given info.


Check the resources @EleGirl listed. There are other reasons.

I'm not nearly as certain as Elegirl that men and women cause sexless marriages in exactly equal numbers, but I am certain that it DOES happen for reasons other that the wife being fat or the husband being gay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why throw the feminist card, it is either her weight or he is gay. Or both. That is on base of the given info.


No those are not the only two possibilities. It's a disservice to the OP to counsel her that they are.


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## sarahlawyer054 (Sep 20, 2016)

I've been struggling with the same issues since 2013. I'm highly sexual and it goes down if I pursue him. Crickets... I literally waited a year. Went through a depression, then resentment. I have thought my husband is gay ag times too


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Please don't go down that road, it doesn't lead anywhere except self-doubt.

If there were something seriously wrong with you, you would know it. 

Men in healthy relationships stay attracted to their wives as those wives age, gain a bit of weight, get grey hairs etc. My wife is in her mid 50's and I still desire her. 

I've lived this for decades. It is not that my wife doesn't desire *me* it is that she does not desire sex. 





Tiffy726 said:


> And I will say I'm the biggest girl he has been with. His ex girlfriends were super skinny so that's why I say maybe he's not sexually attracted.


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## robertzell (Sep 19, 2016)

Maybe he gets tired at work? Maybe he has a problem in the business? They say primitive men in sex, but this is not true. In order that would have the desire (and the opportunity) is sometimes required conditions.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I'm curious, what makes you think he's gay? The previous girlfriends? The sex every 2-3 weeks with his wife? The porn use (featuring naked women)? All of that was in post #1. Where is the part that indicates gay?





> *I feel so frustrated*. My husband doesn't want sex nearly as much as I would. We have sex every 2-3 weeks and *the foreplay is awkward*. I don't feel like my sexual self with him since *I'm scared of rejection* or *will he like this etc*. When he doesn't have sex with me it *makes me feel like he is not sexually attracted to me*. Is this possible? He *does look at porn* on line so I know his desire is there but seems like it's more for other naked woman. I also thought maybe I get to wet and it's not that enjoyable for him. I spoke to him about these issues but it's a *different excuse everytime*. He *blames his weight, or medication, or gets defensive* and says sorry one every other week isn't good enough. He is definitely *not cheating* on me but *I feel depressed*. How can I change this? *I send him sexual texts or nude pics and he will say "yeah buddy"* sometimes I want to hear what he is going to do to me when he gets ahold of me. How do I fix this? *Only married a year* , we shouldn't be in a rut already. Advise please!
> 
> Thank you all for your kind words. I have never rejected my husband of sex ever. So it's definitely not that. Believe me there's times I didn't want too but I did. I never wanted him to feel rejected now *I'm the one feeling that way.*



 She feels rejected -z· 
 Awkward foreplay PINK FLAG
 He is not interested in sex with her PINK FLAG
 Looks at porn (maybe other kinds) -
 Not sexual attracted to her sexual texts and nude pictures PINK FLAG
 Different excuses PINK FLAG
 Within a year the big change PINK FLAG
 
Impression: Gay



> Thank you again for all your insight. It helps talking with people who understand. My weight is not the issue. I may have gained 10 -15 pounds since we met but nothing more than that. He does have a weight issue but I still and always will desire him. *Getting sex started is very awkward. I'm reserved because I'm nervous of his,reactions and he will just say you wanna do it? That gets old. Then I perform oral and we get at it. He very seldom performs oral back. *Every once in a blue moon. Will he do it. After oral or sex, I always tell him how good it was and can't wait to do it again. But we wait weeks.....
> 
> And I will say *I'm the biggest girl he has been with. His ex girlfriends were super skinny so that's why I say maybe he's not sexually attracted*.


 

 Awkward feeling starting sex – PINK/WEIGHT FLAG
 No oral back – PINK FLAG
 Super weight difference exes – BIG WEIGHT FLAG
 
There are of course all kinds of possible reasons. But my feeling is based on the first posts: he may be gay. That is because all those issues burn bright lights from comparisons with similar stories. With the mentioning of the weight issues that it is only the weight becomes also a good possibility.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

It is typical for the closeted gay man to marry a girl, and to get married performing sex as good as he can, try playing the hetero etc. Then, when married he dumbs down into sexual oblivion. Maybe a couple of times to do his duty and that's it. But he need not anymore to pretend he is into it (in his idea).


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Sympathies. I was in your boat, sexes reversed. One year in? No kids? Hhhmmmm, I know what I would do. This is a serious crossroads. Left unchanged, you're on a path to bitter resentment and self doubt. Someone said your options are leave, cheat, or accept it. I think there are only two tenable options: leave or destabilize. You can certainly try the latter first. 

Have "the talk" in which you express that this low sexual frequency and his lack of enthusiasm is causing you harm. HARM - make that clear. And instead of just complaining, here's the teeth: if it doesn't improve (in clearly defined ways that only you can set), you will have to end the marriage. And absolutely, 100% mean it. And follow through with it if need be. 

This will cause a **** storm (as it should). If it does not, and nothing changes, you have your answer and a direction. Work on yourself, exercise, engage in your hobbies, etc. - basically be the best you that you can be. This is not for him, this is to maximize your own self-confidence and either he or 2.0 will reap the benefits, his choice. 

This is the advice most men receive and it's really no different for women. Your end goal is either a more suitable partner or a much more livable compromise. And the more indifferent you are about which outcome comes to fruition the more likely you are to reach a fulfilling sex life. 

It sounds harsh and somewhat selfish. But it really is standing up for yourself and your minimum requirements for a happy existence. You aren't asking to go from arctic chill to romance novel steaminess. You're advocating for your basic needs to be met. Take back some of your power lady. 


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I also wondered if I get to aroused during sex and it doesn't feel good for him. Is that a POSSIBLY?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I also wondered if I get to aroused during sex and it doesn't feel good for him. Is that a POSSIBLY?


I doubt it but it is certainly something you should ask him. 

May I ask if you had sex before marriage and if so was it good?


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Sex has always been just OK. But I take it when I can. I've been married before and it didnt seem to be a problem even with a cheating husband. I'm 41 yrs old and he is 44yrs old, first marriage for him. I just feel like this is me. It's such a bad feeling not to feel desired my your husband. I do have to say, he is very very affectionate and loving.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Also the lack of oral on the husbands side I often chalk up to two things; lazy (once they have ejaculated they just want to roll over and go to sleep), or lack of confidence.

The latter may come from watching porn and believing that after 30 seconds of giving a woman oral sex she will be having multiple orgasms. The reality is most women need a fair bit of time spent on them to build up to the climax. It may be that he can't be bothered or it may be that he thinks he is not that good at it. Perhaps you guys need to get together and talk about your needs very specifically (not broadly 'I need more sex' but more detailed requests and exchanging information about your desires). 

I would also stop with the BJ's on him unless he goes first - you could even tease him a bit with this if this is something that he likes.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm 41 yrs old and he is 44yrs old, first marriage for him.


Do you know how many long-term partners he has had? I am getting an inkling that it may be confidence issues and that masturbating to porn is safe and easy. For some men sex can be fairly intimidating especially if their partners are very sexual. Also he is at an age where ED can creep in and spoil things - even if it is mild or just happened once or twice it can be scary, can make men very anxious about sex. Porn is much safer than real sex in this scenario.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

He loves oral and expects it before sex. Not sure how well that will go over with no oral but I'm gonna try it.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

He has had his fair share of woman in his past. Had sex at 14 yes old. He is a large man which may cause him to feel insecure. I understand but I tell him how much I enjoyed the sex and can't wait to do it again. He goes on a website that naked woman submit their pics to. I expressed my dislike with that considering my ex husband started his cheacting affair online. He still does it but not as often. He once said get over it. Like my feelings didn't matter about him looking at other naked woman online. He said all men do it and if they say they don't, they are lying. So that hurts when he looks at others but very lax with me.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

And if he can't climax during sex, I have to finish him off with oral. That can be very frustrating too.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ok well two things stood out to me. One is that it seems he has always been like this, is that correct? If so then this was a sexual mismatch from the beginning and never had a chance to get better. You just don't have the same desire.

Second you keep saying you think this is you. Ok ....have you asked him point blank what the issue is? You mention weight vs his old GF's and that could have something to do with it but we can't rule out that his weight has made him feel self conscious as well. Maybe this issue is all him and self esteem. But you WILL NOT get to the bottom of this unless you have a straight and direct conversation asking what is happening. He he can't talk to you about this then you're sunk.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

If you two were having good sex then the naked pics wouldn't be a big deal, but as he is not doing a great job at real life intimacy he has no right to invalidate your feelings.

If you do not have frequent sex and he sometimes is unable to finish PIV I suspect too much masturbation. Unfortunately for him the only way to reset this is to lay off masturbation and oral and get back to just the feeling of PIV. You may have to be patient because it takes a while but once he has reset he will prefer you to hand or mouth. My H had this and now he struggles with hand and craves PIV. Much better for us as a couple. 

I'm not reading anything here that makes me think it is you. Like @Wolf1974 rightly says - you need to talk about it with him and come up with an agreement to work on the issues. He needs to at the very least meet you half way and be committed to working it through without a 'get over it' mentality.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Have the talk. Once. He fixes it because he cares whether you are happy or he doesn't - which mean he doesn't. No point in having more than 1 talk. If you need more than 1 talk to get him to work with you to address core marital issues that bother you, then you are unlikely to have a happy marriage and you might as well end it sooner rather than later.

Give yourself a mental "sell by" date or 3 to 6 months from now. Do NOT tell him your deadline. If he has not made substantial progress in addressing the issue by the deadline, file for divorce. Your future self will thank you.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I'm going to talk to him for sure once again. I have said to myself, how is this going to be in 10 yrs from now? I have sexual dreams with other men. This is crazy. Saturday night we planned sex, he got his hour massage, I started to perform oral then he finished that way. I was do disappointed I almost cried. I told him it makes me feel so bad about myself when he doesn't have sex with me. Here it is Tuesday and he still hasn't given it up. He clearly knew how frustrated I was and still nothing...I'm thinking he will wait until the weekend to satisfy me.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> He goes on a website that naked woman submit their pics to. I expressed my dislike with that considering my ex husband started his cheacting affair online. He still does it but not as often. He once said get over it. Like my feelings didn't matter about him looking at other naked woman online. He said all men do it and if they say they don't, they are lying. So that hurts when he looks at others but very lax with me.


This comment to me sounds like you have more problems in your marriage than just in the bedroom. You express a concern about his porn use as your exhusband started cheating on you online and your current husband says, "get over it"

Your husband is not taking your feeling into consideration at all, in bed and out of it. I'm surprised you still want to have sex with him at all. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sit him down, tell him what you need and want from him and give him a time limit to get his sh*t together. You deserve to be happy and don't settle for anything less. 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Most men really love when their partners are aroused. 




Tiffy726 said:


> I also wondered if I get to aroused during sex and it doesn't feel good for him. Is that a POSSIBLY?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, you don't *have* to - but it is extremely nice of you to do so. If only he appreciated it. 

You are in the trap that many HDs fall into in HD/LD relationships. Because the LD can do without sex, they never feel the need to do much for their partners. Meanwhile the HD will do anything in order to get even a little mediocre ses. 

Someone suggested not giving him BJs. That's up to you, but I expect it won't help. If he ends up enjoying sex less because of it, sex will just become less frequent. I tried this experiment with my wife, who will never do oral even though I am always happy to do it for her. I stopped for 6 months and she didn't even notice, sex just got even rarer. Withholding any sort of sex has not influence over a LD. 

Oral sex is funny - both men and women who don't want to do it will tell they partners that it is *different* for men and women and not at all fair to expect them to do it just because you did.



Tiffy726 said:


> And if he can't climax during sex, I have to finish him off with oral. That can be very frustrating too.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I definitely feel like my opinions don't matter much. He will get super defensive and make me feel stupid for my feelings. For instance, for his stag party he insisted on strippers. I expressed my concerns. I cried, had nightmares, lost weight and eventually experienced after effects of stress than I had to be seen for. He also goes away in may for a weekend that involves heavy drinking and at times naked woman. But because he has done this for years, he will not change. I had to learn to accept it. These are examples of why I turned to you guys for your opinions before confronting these issues with him. I need to feel confident that I have a right to feel this way. I told him I'm not trying to fry him in my ex husband oil, but when he does this like that, it brings up bad feelings for me. Like not again....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

While the lack of sex is a serious problem, it sounds like there are others as well.

What is good about him? 



Tiffy726 said:


> I definitely feel like my opinions don't matter much. He will get super defensive and make me feel stupid for my feelings. For instance, for his stag party he insisted on strippers. I expressed my concerns. I cried, had nightmares, lost weight and eventually experienced after effects of stress than I had to be seen for. He also goes away in may for a weekend that involves heavy drinking and at times naked woman. But because he has done this for years, he will not change. I had to learn to accept it. These are examples of why I turned to you guys for your opinions before confronting these issues with him. I need to feel confident that I have a right to feel this way. I told him I'm not trying to fry him in my ex husband oil, but when he does this like that, it brings up bad feelings for me. Like not again....


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

He is a great man. Takes care of me and my children. He is caring, loving and affectionate. But set in his ways obviously...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> He is a great man. Takes care of me and my children. He is caring, loving and affectionate. But set in his ways obviously...


This simply isn't true. Sorry. 

If you've made it clear to him that his actions and inactions hurt you and he doesn't change those things, then he is NOT taking care of you.

He is caring, loving and affectionate on his terms only. That's called selfishness. 

Yes, I'd recommend cutting off the bj's. In fact I'd recommend cutting off sex altogether while you focus on realizing that you deserve better. Don't let him hold the power over your happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I agree after 41 yrs, it time for me to make myself happy and not always bw worried about pleasuring others while I'm suffering.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> And I will say I'm the biggest girl he has been with. His ex girlfriends were super skinny so that's why I say maybe he's not sexually attracted.


I doubt that is the reason. Much more likely, the problem is from the effects of being overweight combined with getting older. Masturbating is much easier and doesn't require a full erection.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> He also goes away in may for a weekend that involves heavy drinking and at times naked woman. But because he has done this for years, he will not change. I had to learn to accept it.


This part changes my perception of your husband. I would not tolerate that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> and even if so, it should not be an excuse to keep a man from performing his husbandly duties. (unless she is morbidly obese).


Or, he is obese and has a poor body image. He is embarrassed about his looks and fitness. 

And, being heavy can affect a person physical/sexual endurance.

Some people purposely or sub-consciously put on a lot of weight to make themselves less attractive....less sought after, sexually.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm going to talk to him for sure once again. I have said to myself, how is this going to be in 10 yrs from now? I have sexual dreams with other men. This is crazy. Saturday night we planned sex, he got his hour massage, I started to perform oral then he finished that way. I was do disappointed I almost cried. I told him it makes me feel so bad about myself when he doesn't have sex with me. Here it is Tuesday and he still hasn't given it up. He clearly knew how frustrated I was and still nothing...I'm thinking he will wait until the weekend to satisfy me.




You won't last 10 years. That level of selfishness and indifference to your pain is intolerable. A few years down the road some average dude will pay you attention and it will be very difficult to resist. Your level of resentment will be sky high. Honestly, if I was you I would have enough resentment already that I wouldn't even want sex with him. That's why you need to take decisive action now to solve this or blow up the marriage. He's not a great guy. Why don't you think you deserve better treatment?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I definitely feel like my opinions don't matter much. *He will get super defensive and make me feel stupid for my feelings.* For instance, for his stag party he insisted on strippers. I expressed my concerns. I cried, had nightmares, lost weight and eventually experienced after effects of stress than I had to be seen for. He also goes away in may for a weekend that involves heavy drinking and at times naked woman. But because he has done this for years, he will not change. I had to learn to accept it. These are examples of why I turned to you guys for your opinions before confronting these issues with him.* I need to feel confident* that I have a right to feel this way. I told him I'm not trying to fry him in my ex husband oil, but when he does this like that, it brings up bad feelings for me. Like not again....


Men are not good about talking about "feelings" especially when aroused and/or vulnerable. You may have to look at this situation purely from a mechanical point of view and try and take all your emotions out of it. 

You struggle to deal with stress = this is a fact you can use to make a point.

For instance: "I struggle to deal with stress, and when you go out drinking around naked women it puts me under a great deal of stress. Please help me with this as I can not deal with it alone?"

If he asks you "WHY" something puts you under stress, stay calm and try to redirect the conversation for him to answer his own question. Be prepared for this. An example might be to say that, "I trust you, so it is not about that. I don't even understand why I get so stressed out with things like this and that is WHY I am asking for your help. What do you think it could be?"

Perhaps this will open the door to a meaningful conversation, and if not you need to stand up for yourself and illustrate the fact that he is hurting you. You can say, "Look this is important to you and I'll do my best to deal with the stress. Since I do not understand where all my anxiety is coming from will you help me schedule an appointment to see a doctor. Perhaps that will help!"

If he goes along with that, make him go to the doctor with you! Odds are the doctor will be treating HIM with a referral to a psychiatrist or for both of you to go to a marriage councilor.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

1. Stop giving him oral. Except maybe to get him hard. Once he gets hard, climb on him. No oral to completion for him. If he complains, tell him he has forfeited that by neglecting you.
2. Get a really good vibrator. Any time he comes before you do, he has to use the vibrator on you or at least watch and stroke your upper arm and tell you how sexy you are while you use it on yourself.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Yesssss I have a vibrator that I relay on too much. But I've never used it in front of him.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you having orgasms when you guys do have sex? 

This sounds worse and worse to me and not in a gay way. Just in his oblivion to your desires and needs. 

It also reminds me of my first 18 years of marriage where I gave the oral and never received it. He got the orgasms and I got none, and the many years feeling so bad because you just need to feel wanted and don't. 

I agree you should end the blow jobs. Why are you doing that for him when he doesn't do it for you? Why should he try at all - he has things exactly how he wants them. With you doing all the work and all the suffering and him not having to do anything. And with the porn he's still not having to do anything. He doesn't have to go to any effort to have an orgasm. Just go online or let his wife blow him.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Sometimes I don't climax and if he already did....it's over. No more until 2 or 3 weeks. I feel like I try to hard when I do get it that it just not happening. I do get very aroused which makes me wonder if he loses feelings when he is inside me.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> I do get very aroused which makes me wonder if he loses feelings when he is inside me.


You've mentioned this a couple of times now. I've never heard of this being an issue. Stop trying to blame yourself for his shortcomings. 

If you insist on continuing to have sex with this man, make it a rule that you get yours first before there's even a hint of PiV. If he can't or won't deliver, game over. If you aren't feeling like it's going to happen after he's been trying for an hour? Game over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Here is what you say to him.

"Husband, sex with you is infrequent and frequently bad. Both of these are intolerable going forward. If you continue to behave selfishly in bed and put your sexual energy into porn rather than me, you are jeopardizing our marriage and will be responsible for the negative consequences that will follow."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Love it Fozzy!


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## Staisha (Sep 20, 2016)

My husband and I married for 7 years. We had different periods in our life, had good times and bad times. My husband had a problem at work, because of this, there were problems in bed. We didn't have sex about 4 months. I think he got a mistress. I talked to him seriously and he told me about his problems. We decided to try Viagra. We have found in the Internet shop CialisBitcoins. These pills have helped him. Over time, we could have sex without pills)


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tiffy726 said:


> Sometimes I don't climax and if he already did....it's over. No more until 2 or 3 weeks. I feel like I try to hard when I do get it that it just not happening. I do get very aroused which makes me wonder if he loses feelings when he is inside me.


You mention this again, and yes this is a possibility. It is the elephant in the room in my opinion, see the vagina thread. I suspect many relations have this problem.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> Sometimes I don't climax and if he already did....it's over. No more until 2 or 3 weeks. I feel like I try to hard when I do get it that it just not happening. I do get very aroused which makes me wonder if he loses feelings when he is inside me.


It might be a good idea to use a vibrator before, during and after sex. It may be that over the years he hasn't found the time to spend on you and has gotten into a very bad, lazy habit of shrugging his shoulders, turning over and going to sleep. He may not be aware of how important orgasms are to you. I found that using a vibe to move things along for me peaked his interest more than anything else I tried - it might be worth a go the next time you have sex. Let him know that you use it alone too, get HIM feeling alienated from YOU.


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

I'll bet he has low testosterone like many men do these days. Encourage him to get blood work done to see if this is the case. If it is and he agrees to get on TRT, then it's a huge difference in libido.


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