# How to get over forbidden love



## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

I know I'm opening myself up to ridicule, but hopefully someone can help me out... Here's the condensed version: I've been married for 30 yrs. Became friends with a married man. I already know I shouldn't have, but whats done is done. He and I are in love. Our spouses know and want us back. What he and I really want is to just run off together and start a new life .... but we don't want to hurt our families. We've decided to cool it and work on our our own marriages. However, its killing me to be away from him. I'm in such a depression that I can hardly function. I know this isn't fair to my husband but I just can't shake it. I don't know how to go on anymore. I just want to be with this man. This isn't a teenage type of love thing either. We've both been around long enough to know that we really love each other. I see his faults and I still love him. Is it really possible to get over a love like this and move forward??


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm going to be blunt so I apologize in advance, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It's called an infatuation, depression is one of the withdrawal phases, once the endorphins are cleared from your system you will see it as that. You must remove all triggers of the OM including any thoughts. Your marriage does not stand a chance of recovering while you continue to think there is a future with the OM. You are playing games with your husband and family. The affair has to be killed and all bridges to the OM torn down, only then can you focus on your husband. 

Until you indefinitely go no contact with the OM in words , thoughts and deeds and focus your energy on your husband you will be fence sitting. Make the break, it will be hard that is the consequence of an affair. Your marriage can heal if you commit to it an and allow the process of healing to occur. There is on average a two year recovery period so do not expect a quick win, this assumes you giving your everything to recovery.

Your current state is like a drug addict trying to kick the habit, you will have ups and downs until you have bled the affair out of you then you will look back and wonder what you ever thought of the OM and love is not a word you will use.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

And no you have not been around long enough to think this is real love, it is not, even old age pensioners fall for the same script it's called the fog and you have a healthy dose of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

How much of the "true love" you are feeling is based on your soul being connected through a higher power to this new man versus the rush of endorphines you are experiencing from initiating a relationship with someone new (hint: the hormones don't just affect teenagers - it is a basic physiological response, the primary drive in ALL affairs). How do you really separate the two conflicting reasons you are using to validate your will? There is also no avoiding the fact that if you end your marriage you WILL hurt (probably devastate) your spouse and likely your family too... you chose to make a lifelong commitment, and if you leave it is you who are choosing to dishonor it. I understand about not wanting to live with regret, experiencing all that life has to offer etc, and if your partner had mutual feelings about I could see your point, but you need to see this for what it is, its a thrill that will come at a the largest possible cost, and you can't see it now because your judgement is clouded by lust. If you took all the energy you are willing to devote to this new man and had been putting it into your relationship instead your marriage would be the kind you want to make it (you need to change your view not partners).

Sorry for my one-sided take on this I am the one who was betrayed by my wife's uncontrollable impulses, she too thinks life is all rosy now that she's with OM - she has been mistaking intensity for intimacy, and when that intensity fades she will be forced to re-evaluate her choices, as you will should you follow through on your impulse.


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## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to have to fall HARD to get my head to clear out. I stopped all contact with him a few months ago. I ended up in the most severe depression I've ever experienced. Couldn't take it any longer and neither could he so we resumed contact. I don't feel like I can live anymore without him. I just want to move on and be happy but I don't think its possible. I've been told that love is a choice. Don't know if I totally believe that. I want to love my husband but I don't think I do. I don't want to love the OM but I DO love him. Wish I could just see into the future. There must be some relationships like this that work out ... Aren't there?


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## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> And no you have not been around long enough to think this is real love, it is not, even old age pensioners fall for the same script it's called the fog and you have a healthy dose of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is "the fog"?? And how long does it take to go away?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Few affair relationships work out single digets 2% and below, your in a state because you are in contact and have not shut the door. Slam the door shut hard and never contact him again, change all numbers, move work if you have to, delete the email addresses. It is the only way forward.

Btw of those 2% somewhere around 75% divorce later on, that should tell you that very very few make it and from those that do there are many stories from the married affair couple telling of infidelity in these marriage and regret in destroying their original marriages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The fog is a term used to describe the state you are in now, recovery and exit from the fog depends on the individual which is why a hard permanent no contact is suggested, including removal of all opportunities of communication and contact , some take many many months , key is to remove the thoughts and focus your energy on your husband, 20 hours time together per week. Reading books on how to fill your love banks , total focus on each other .

Read "surviving an affair" by Harley, it has some goods tips for both you and your husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Few affair relationships work out single didgets 2% and below, your in a state because you are in contact and have not shut the door. Slam the door shut hard and never contact him again, change all numbers, move work if you have to, delete the email addresses. It is the only way forward.
> 
> Btw of those 2% somewhere around 75% divorse later on, that should tell you that very very few make it and those that do many stories from the newly married couple tell of infidelity in these marriage and regret in destroying their original marriages.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

You are a married woman and entertaining an affair with a married man. That is a betrayal of everything you and your spouse have put into your relationship, and after 30 years that is a lot. You are definitely in need of something to get you out of your depression, but you should seek individual and marriage counselling, not another man. Shut it down fast because all affairs do is destroy happiness.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you are serious in working on your marriage stop all contact , buy the book I recommend, go to the marriagebuilders.com site search for and download the emotional questionairs form for you and your husband to complete. By posting here shows you are prepared to try , so try with a plan . 

First step no contact
Emotional questionairs 
20 hours alone with hubby per week , it is hard at first , work at it.
MC only once you have stoped the affair and enforced permanent contact.
_Posted via Mobile Dvice_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Myflychic- even on some of the sites that support affairs they say you should not leave your marriage for the OM, leave your marriage if you had problems before the affair started, not problems constuid or invented while in the affair. Furthermore they suggest you live a life separate from the OM for a year or so, they say this as even they are aware of the infatuation of an affair relationship and the lack of success thereafter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> *I'm going to be blunt so I apologize in advance, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Fast forward a few years from now and the two of you are now married. You find out that your new husband is cheating behind your back and has decided to leave you for another woman. Unthinkable? Not really because the two of you have demonstrated to everybody - including to each other - that you are more than willing to betray your marital vows because "we're very much in love". 

If second marriages have a shorter shelf life than first marriages in general and then add to how some of them were the product of an affair during the first marriage, then you'll see how the deck is stack against the two of you.

If your marriage is unhealthy and toxic then end it. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin before you proceed to get involved in another committed relationship.

As much as the two of you want to romanticize your affair, you can't escape the bitter truth about how selfish, deceitful and cowardly a way it is of resolving issues inside yourself and your marriage.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Do it. Run to him. Do your husband the favor of exiting his life, go be with loverboy. Since you're so in love, stop pretending you're working on your marriage, and just give hubby all the marital assets you might think you're 'entitled' to first, and anything else he might want from you before you go, and never,ever come crawling back when loverboy enters his next affair (or you do, or both of you do) when reality of life sets in. Leave and chase the high that you will never find like a junkie strung out.

P.S. as you 'work on your marriage', one of those items is computer transparency... have you shared this posting with hubby?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

mflychic said:


> There must be some relationships like this that work out ... Aren't there?


Yep, it's called divorce and remarriage. You've said you don't want to hurt the families involved (I presume children, etc) but you have put yourself in an awkward position for which there is no way not to hurt someone. You each have already hurt your spouses. If you continue with your affair then you will most definitely are likely to hurt other family members when you file for divorce, or when your husband files for divorce because you have continued the affair. So you are going to have to choose who you want to hurt the least, you, your husband and family, or the other man.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Are you 100% sure your lover will leave his wife for you, if you leave your husband? (or if your husband gets fed up kicks you get out). It is very possible you will end up alone, with no one.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

mflychic said:


> This isn't a teenage type of love thing either.


Yes it is. We just tend to forget how strong those feelings were when we were teenagers. How many of us "fell in love" with that person who either our parents or his/her parents forbade us from seeing. Those of us that been there, recall not caring about anything else. All we wanted to do was "....just run off together and start a new life ....". How many of us now look back and think "what was I thinking"? The difference is we were in a fog, and now we are not.....about that part of our life anyway.

You want to believe it is something more and somehow, someway, you two can live happily ever after. Unfortunately, real life doesn't work like that, but just as we felt our parents didn't understand, my guess is you are thinking we don't either. Hopefully, you gain some insight from some of the advice here. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been having the affair for? Are you still in contact with OM? Does your husband know him? Do you know OM's wife?



mflychic said:


> Here's the condensed version: I've been married for 30 yrs. Became friends with a married man. * I already know I shouldn't have, **but whats done is done*. *He and I are in love*. Our spouses know and want us back. *What he and I really want is to just run off together and start a new life .... but we don't want to hurt our families. *


Sorry, but affairs don't work that way. An affair is a betrayal. Betrayal hurts. A lot of people get hurt w/ the betrayal of an affair, as you know. You, your husband, your kids, OM, OM's wife, OM's kids, in-laws, friends, you name it. It impacts your entire life. 



mflychic said:


> We've decided to cool it and work on our our own marriages. However, *its killing me to be away from him. I'm in such a depression that I can hardly function*. * I know this isn't fair to my husband but I just can't shake it. I don't know how to go on anymore. I just want to be with this man. This isn't a teenage type of love thing either. * We've both been around long enough to know that we really love each other. * I see his faults and I still love him*. Is it really possible to get over a love like this and move forward??


You asked what "the fog" is and I highlighted "the fog" for you. 
It's all the words you're saing and how you're feeling and how you say it's not a "teenage" thing but.. it is. 

It really is possible to "get over it" but not while you're in touch with OM. You have to cut off contact cold turkey and either commit yourself to your marriage 100% or get a divorce. 

Yes, those are the only two options.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mflychic said:


> I stopped all contact with him a few months ago. I ended up in the most severe depression I've ever experienced. *Couldn't take it any longer and neither could he so we resumed contact.* I don't feel like I can live anymore without him. I just want to move on and be happy but I don't think its possible.


Like almost all cheaters, you have broken no contact. Because you have resumed contact indicates you are CLEARLY still in the affair. You cannot move on in any shape or form until the affair is over. 

You are DEEP in the affair fog. Please give your faithful husband a link to this website. We can help him, and give him the advice that will help him knock you out of this affair fog. He doesn't deserved the agony that you are putting him and the children through.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I want you to think about a few things, I have been married for 27 years and my husband and I have been around the block as well, my husband had an affair...........
When my husband admitted to his affair, all hell broke out in our family, not only did it affect me and him it affected our grown children and their relationship with HIM. They hardly had anything to do with him because we had taught them right from wrong, he never took that into consideration when he entered the affair, his OW's daughters have disowned her as well..........You spend your life teaching your children how to be honest people with moral when you don't show this it destroys them and their belief systems, so it just isn't about you and your husband it's about your whole family..............
Right now you can't love your husband because you won't let yourself, you are hanging on to a fantasy world you have been living in..........there is no real world experience no real problems to work out, you don't have to deal with every day things that will annoy you..........
When reality sets in and you give up the security you have felt in the marriage for all those years you will feel differently, you won't think anything in the marriage is good anymore, but you have not lived without all of that yet........
When my husband was faced with losing everything he had know for someone who he had only known for a short time it was devastating for him...........I think affair people don't really think of the end consequences, they only think of themselves......
To see all the hurt all the way around is not worth the moments of pleasure how can you live with that..........
I think you start to meet your husband's needs, you be the healer here, you love him let him love you, get the marriage you want filled with love and affection........
Do you want to leave him, try with the OM, have it not work out because it won't based on lying and cheating, you have been around the block.....and then be out there in the world alone without anyone .........good luck...........
You are being a fool, and I hope you can come to your senses like my husband, he almost lost his life and you are on that doorstep, don't be responsible for a lot of pain that you will cause.........my husband now will say that I saved him by being the strong one and by being so forgiving.........
One stupid move shouldn't ruin all the years you have put together, you wouldn't be 30 years if something wasn't right, you have lost your path, get on it again and forget the mistakes..thank God your husband is willing to forgive you and stay in the marriage...........It would be a lot easier for him to let you go.........but he obviously loves you and is trying to save YOU.........let him........


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Methinks the original poster is not hearing what she wanted to hear from the responders. 

Bottom line is you have to make a choice. You WILL hurt your families if you consummate the affair and leave for the OM. No, check that, you will CRUSH both families. 

You can stop being so selfish, and cut the OM out forever. Or, you can ruin two families and chase the high.

There are no other options.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You two do have a lot in common. You are both cheaters. You both have kids and families that you are willing to destroy. It would serve you right if your husband dumped you and his wife dumps him. Then you two can get married and say goodbye to every meaningful relationship you have with your kids and family. That's OK, you can sit around and comfort each other until you wake up from the fog and realize that you have destroyed so many lives and end up blaming one another for it. No birthdays, no anniversaries, all holidays ruined. You see you look at your love for the other man as a wonderful thing. But if you knew what your families think about it, you wouldn't be so in love. They look at it as disgusting. A mom so selfish and self absorbed that she is considering leaving her family for tawdry affair. And you know what, you will lose all influence with your kids. Why would they listen to someone who cares so little for them. Not a pretty picture is it. I speak from experience. My mom was the cheater and our relationship was never the same because of it.


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## riverwlkr (Jun 12, 2011)

To all you have taken the time to respond to my post I just want say Thank You. You have been very helpful and I know all the things you have said are true and right. I have indeed been in a fog. I am trying to come out of it now. I have stopped all contact with the OM and am trying to devote all my energy to fixing my marriage. I realize that I am very lucky to have a spouse who is willing to take me back... and who (for reasons I do not understand) still loves me with his whole heart and soul. I hate myself for what I have done to him. 

I can feel the withdrawal pains right now and it hurts bad. I sob every day. I know these are the consequences of letting myself get into such a situation. I hope I can learn to love my husband. How does one force Love? How do you become friends with someone that you HAVE to become friends with? How do you LIKE someone you haven't liked for years?? 
Will I really be able to get over the feelings I have for the OM? Will I ever stop crying and longing for him? When thoughts of him come into my head I'm trying hard to push them out and replace them with something else.... but it is SO HARD! Please tell me this will get easier and I will be able to get over him...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

With time things will get easier but you have to commit yourself to never speaking to him again.

This is a problem:



mflychic said:


> I hope I can learn to love my husband. How does one force Love? How do you become friends with someone that you HAVE to become friends with? How do you LIKE someone you haven't liked for years??


Do you want to be with your husband? Do you love him? Do you even want to try? Do you want to be married and why? If you don't like him or love him and are only staying due to familiarity, my advice would be to think long and hard about that. Because, IMO, you're not doing your husband or yourself any favors by staying with him if you don't even love him. That is a betrayal in and of itself.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> I hope I can learn to love my husband. How does one force Love? How do you become friends with someone that you HAVE to become friends with? How do you LIKE someone you haven't liked for years??


Have you really not liked him for years? Why did you stay with him for so many years even though you didn't like him? 

Or do you think your memory of what your relationship with your husband was really like has been re-written by you since your affair? 

You need to give it more time - have no contact with the OM, when you think about OM replace that thought with a good thought of you and your husband, look for and focus on the good aspects of your husband, communicate with him, and do your best to be a good friend to your husband through words and actions. And then see if your feelings start to improve towards him. I think after 30 years - if they have been at least a decent 30 years - you owe it to yourselves to at least give your marriage a good go, or you might always regret not trying.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

myflychic's mind if fogged by the LTA. She's mentally re-written the history of the marriage. 

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT

Not even a text or email asking how the other one is doing. That is still contact.


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## disabled (Jun 21, 2011)

riverwlkr said:


> I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to have to fall HARD to get my head to clear out. I stopped all contact with him a few months ago. I ended up in the most severe depression I've ever experienced. Couldn't take it any longer and neither could he so we resumed contact. I don't feel like I can live anymore without him. I just want to move on and be happy but I don't think its possible. I've been told that love is a choice. Don't know if I totally believe that. I want to love my husband but I don't think I do. I don't want to love the OM but I DO love him. Wish I could just see into the future. There must be some relationships like this that work out ... Aren't there?


You are strong enough to get away from the other man, you are going to need marrital counseling. Plus you will need a no contact form to be mailed to the individual you are engaging with during the affair. Be sure to mail a copy to him and keep the original at home, be sure to mail it certified with receipt. You will have to shut out contact with the other man, and focus on your husband. Right now your husband needs you, his heart is aching for you at the moment. You can do it, we the members at talkaboutmarriage.com have faith in you. Keep your chin up. Things going to be better 

when in doubt, pray to Jesus for assistance, he will work miracles in your life.


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