# Can you really rebuild a marriage?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

To anyone who has been coping with this pain for awhile I need help. Its been over 2 years since I found out about his affair. These days I don't know how to feel, but I know I'm no longer happy. I'm trying, I keep waking up thinking this will be a better day, and here's what I'll do to move past it. Despite trying, I seem to take steps backward. One thing I'm doubting is if I still love him. If I don't then do we end it or can I love him again? 

Just to back up a bit we've been together since we were teenagers, had one of those relationships that we shared everything and we were partners no matter what. Then after 15 years of marriage, two kids, a few pounds, bills, work and all the boring stuff in life he cheated with an 18 year old. Also lied about it when confronted and several times when I knew but had no proof, gave him an out. Just stop communicating with her. He'd lie about it and say we were good and sneak off with her while I ran his business, drove the kids around to their events and worked my own 50+ hour job. He had the nerve to then say he was disappointed I didn't stay in shape.

Today he says he really screwed up, it was him not me and is ashamed of what he said and did to me. He seems to want to say sorry now let's forget it. But he stomped on my self-esteem so much so I lost 30 pounds in about 45 days and rather than sit in a chair all day I'm now running in 1/2 marathons. Though trying to exercise and keep a demanding schedule has both helped and hurt my health. 

I think I now identify my own value and worth as a person based on how I look. Gain weight = lose husband. Lose weight= husband wants to stay. Also everyone else treats me differently. Lately I've been traveling and working long hours so a few pounds have crept back on and I miss exercise but the funny thing is all those bad feelings come back and I'm pissed off. Very few people work as hard as I do at work and giving to my family. Only reason I gained weight is I'd give up my plans to exercise whenever my family needed something. 

Today I have reprioritized, I lost that for a short time but no longer. Sorry for rambling but I no longer feel the passion for my husband after this mess, I no longer rely on him and shut him out, and feel the only person I can truly count on is me. He is trying to support but where he has gone wrong is I truly think we needed counseling but he doesn't want to go, so we tried a course online which was great but he stopped participating and never finished it and I'm tired of being the fixer (I did finish the program). He's stepped up in other ways but when I told him it was important to me to renew our wedding vows and I didn't care if we even did that in private he didn't want to do it...

Those of you coping out there can you really make your marriage better or do you simply just learned to tolerate it and never really find happiness again? I can't stand to think I'll feel this way a year from now, 5 years, always..


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I believe a marriage surely can be rebuilt.. but the deciding factor in making it work.. is you BOTH have to want it. It sounds like you don't.. so chances are it won't.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> To anyone who has been coping with this pain for awhile I need help. Its been over 2 years since I found out about his affair. These days I don't know how to feel, but I know I'm no longer happy. I'm trying, I keep waking up thinking this will be a better day, and here's what I'll do to move past it. Despite trying, I seem to take steps backward. One thing I'm doubting is if I still love him. If I don't then do we end it or can I love him again?
> 
> Just to back up a bit we've been together since we were teenagers, had one of those relationships that we shared everything and we were partners no matter what. Then after 15 years of marriage, two kids, a few pounds, bills, work and all the boring stuff in life he cheated with an 18 year old. Also lied about it when confronted and several times when I knew but had no proof, gave him an out. Just stop communicating with her. He'd lie about it and say we were good and sneak off with her while I ran his business, drove the kids around to their events and worked my own 50+ hour job. He had the nerve to then say he was disappointed I didn't stay in shape.
> 
> ...


Absolutely 100% yes. My marriage was in severe meltdown and my wife was having an emotional affair. I signed up to an online program (just like you) by myself which taught me what love is really all about and our marriage began the recovery process after about 3 months or so. Now 3 years later we have a phenomenal marriage. What was the program you did? Mine was Marriage Fitness (Marriage Counseling – Get Free Help from Marriage Expert Mort Fertel), if you are interested.

If you have any specific questions about how our marriage healed, feel free to ask 

Take care.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Have you ever really forgotten the infidelity, does it still linger, is your H. the trigger, does your sub-conscious still bother you, when you are alone

Your H. doesn't seem to wanna go the extra mile, or do the little things to help spice up the mge---mge is very, very hard work, at best---and there must be effort from both partners to make it work----

If you don't feel that anything will change, and your H. really doesn't wanna help make things better---you should not stay and be miserable---there is a big world out there, with lots of new opportunities, and adventures, and whether you re-marry or just go thru life as a divorced single woman---if it is a better situation, and you can find some happiness in life, than maybe that is the way to go

If nothing else the actual threat of you leaving might bring your H., out of his intractable position


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

It sounds like he never fully jumped back in. It sounds like he just sort of stayed and said sorry but didn't show true remorse or get to the bottom of why he did what he did. I think he hasn't had his wake up call, and I don't blame you for disconnecting from him. He needs individual counseling and you guys need marriage counseling. This isn't going to just go away with time. Trust me.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I could go into the particulars here... but to sum it up:

Yes it can, but that requires a few things.

A willing partner:

they dont have to know how to do it, they dont have to know how long it will take and they dont have to know if it is even possible;e, they just need to have an honest willingness to try.

One of you has to be an adult:

You can be as emotional as you want to be on the inside, but one of you has to have a clear focused mind and take actions to achieve that goal. This means research on behavior and gathering an understanding of marriage. This means understanding the meaning of forgiveness then choosing to do it.

One of you has to make the first move.

This means that one of you will have to let down the guard and make the other feel comfortable in making the changes needed. This means one of you will have to step outside your comfort zone and get deep in the dirty truths about your marriage.

One of you has to understand yourself first.

This means that one of you has to take a deep look in side of yourself and take responsibility for your role in the break down of the relationship. This means lots of time self-analyzing and most likely seeing a therapist. 

One of you has to make a stand.

One of you will have to fight for what you want. One of you will must be willing to destroy your marriage in order to save it. One of you must be willing to go that far, to walk out the door in order to show your inner strength and commitment to your boundaries. 



Now, that is the minimum you must have, and ideally both of you will do those things. But without one of you starting at that point, then you have no chance. 

In times a crisis, a leader always emerges. Without someone leading the process, you will fail. If you do not have the capacity to lead in this situation, then ask a marriage counselor to do it for you. That is what they are there for.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

While a marriage can be rebuilt, it is a monumental task after the betrayal of infidelity.
My mother still hasn't truly forgiven my father, even though it was more than 15 years ago. 
If it has been two years and you have not forgiven your husband, you may have to leave. Sorry, but you sound very unhappy and no longer in love. Why bother torturing yourself?
Don't force yourself. He ruined your marriage and he is emotionally abusive. Obviously, he didn't care what happened to your long marriage. 
Sometimes, people are only sorry they got caught!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wow ... you haven't posted for a while have you AZMOM?

Nice to hear from you, sorry about the circumstances.

As I recall a year or more ago, it certainly seemed like the both of you were onboard with trying to repair things.

I do believe that overall, if doubts linger, if it doesn't ever feel like either yourself or your partner has bought in 100%, then the corrosive effects on what is left of your relationship remains.

For all the issues I had with my ex, I did hope that time apart and life experience might pave the way for rebuilding.

That just never happened. Many of the issues I had with her remain. And she has issues with me ...primary amongst them? That in moving on with my life I have pursued other relationships. Learned a lot, about myself, relationships, women, and being a great partner. 

Her belief is, that if I wanted to reconcile was that I should have been fighting for, and trying to win her back instead of pursuing other women. Despite the fact that she HAS been in a relationship for the last two years.

Her opinion, and she is entitled to it ... but it isn't one that I share. Not remotely. And those are the kind of differences that despite all of our common ground, dictate that we just can't have a successful, satisfying, harmonious marriage.

Good friend of mine told me of a quote that is very simple, but very true:

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, I believe a marriage can be rebuilt. But there are no guarantees that it will still last. My H and I separated in 2003 after he left me for OW. WE got back together in 2005. We rebuilt our marriage. I thought we were past the issues. But, after 5 years back together, he did it again. He cheated again.
If you give your H another chance, never let your guard down like I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In my situation, we both cheated and recently divorced. Looking back now, neither of us was able to move on from it though I was more willing to forgive and wanted the marriage to work. He said we would never trust eachother and he didn't see how it could be salvaged though he seemed to think if we just diovrced, all the problems would go away and we could be together again, just not married. 

Looking back, I dont think he was ever vested in the reconciliation/restoration. 

Which is what it is. 

We are both free to move on now.

I think people can rebuild their marriage and that takes a lot of work. I admire people who put the effort in to do this, but it takes two. I've read on here over and over again how the trust is never the same and I can understand that. It seems like a major hurdle to overcome but folks seem to do it. It is sad, no matter what, when infidelity destroys or changes a marriage. In my opinion, I don't think it will be the same again (the relationship) pre-affair. Good luck to you all who have made it. I think it's quite commendable.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

AZMOM,

It's been a little over two years for me, too. I still have spells where I doubt everything, but I think, like any marriage, you have highs and lows. Maybe we're just more accutely aware of it all because of what we've been through. 

In the beginning of reconciliation, everything is new again. Romance comes easy like it did when we first met. Then after a while you get comfy again and have to remember to keep putting effort into keeping that connection strong. 

I doubt that you really want to give up on your marriage after working so hard to rebuild it. Do you think it's possible you're just in a rut? Maybe a little vacation could help, if that's the problem. 

Wishing you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Yes, I believe a marriage can be rebuilt. But there are no guarantees that it will still last. My H and I separated in 2003 after he left me for OW. WE got back together in 2005. We rebuilt our marriage. I thought we were past the issues. But, after 5 years back together, he did it again. He cheated again.
> If you give your H another chance, never let your guard down like I did.


This must have been awful for you! Did you leave him for good?


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Seems there has to be a way of dealing with the pain of the past and to be able to forgive / forget what happened and move forward and look to brighter days ahead. Without that, I think the past will always haunt you and you will never be happy in your current situation. I wish you happiness.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Isn't the pressure to remain married after an affair(s) counter-productive?


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Thought provoking responses. I am curious, specifically to Mrs. G., AppleDucklings, and Jelly, what emotions and thoughts do you have now after all of your experiences? I, also, decided to divorce after giving everything I could think of to do so that our marriage would not fail. I thought that after the working through the first affair, he had hit the wall and was remorseful enough to try everything he could to fix it this time. I was wishing on a star and hoped so much I turned my head to all the signs that showed that I was the one hoping and working hard. I was the one who wanted to learn how to succeed this time from a counselor; he showed up for the earned points. Two and a half years later, I was in shock to discover the second affair. But I was also very beaten down and had to go through with my words that said I wouldn't go through another. I wish I had known of the 180 - at least it would have saved my mental, emotional, and physical health and mostly my self-esteem. It's been 2 years since he moved out with her & they moved across the country together. I am struggling with achieving permanent emotional detachment from him (is it possible?) but I am wondering how it goes....do you feel good about the end of the relationship? Are you able to not think much about the fun times and the love you had? How long did it take? Or do you have periods of regret and heartbreak still? I would like to know....


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you can rebuild the marriage, but it takes alot of time, I hope you can girl, I have read some of your stuff, and I pray that you can.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

52flower said:


> Thought provoking responses. I am curious, specifically to Mrs. G., AppleDucklings, and Jelly, what emotions and thoughts do you have now after all of your experiences? I, also, decided to divorce after giving everything I could think of to do so that our marriage would not fail. I thought that after the working through the first affair, he had hit the wall and was remorseful enough to try everything he could to fix it this time. I was wishing on a star and hoped so much I turned my head to all the signs that showed that I was the one hoping and working hard. I was the one who wanted to learn how to succeed this time from a counselor; he showed up for the earned points. Two and a half years later, I was in shock to discover the second affair. But I was also very beaten down and had to go through with my words that said I wouldn't go through another. I wish I had known of the 180 - at least it would have saved my mental, emotional, and physical health and mostly my self-esteem. It's been 2 years since he moved out with her & they moved across the country together. I am struggling with achieving permanent emotional detachment from him (is it possible?) but I am wondering how it goes....do you feel good about the end of the relationship? Are you able to not think much about the fun times and the love you had? How long did it take? Or do you have periods of regret and heartbreak still? I would like to know....


I am on a wild roller coaster ride of emotions. I have moments where I feel strong and ok but then I have moments where I am a complete mess.Like today. Today I feel horrible. I had been good at working my 180 this past week but today my emotions got the best of me and I practically begged him to stay with me. It was a miserable failed attempt. He says he loves me. He is even loving and affectionate at times but yet he says he wants a divorce. I really dont get what conflict is going on in his head.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

52flower said:


> Thought provoking responses. I am curious, specifically to Mrs. G., AppleDucklings, and Jelly, what emotions and thoughts do you have now after all of your experiences?
> 
> I am struggling with achieving permanent emotional detachment from him (is it possible?) but I am wondering how it goes....do you feel good about the end of the relationship? Are you able to not think much about the fun times and the love you had? How long did it take? Or do you have periods of regret and heartbreak still? I would like to know....


I have lot sof conflicting emotions...I'd say the one main one is feeling bittersweet, hurt, confused, strung along, guilty as hell and remorseful for my own cheating, betrayed, the feeling of wondering if he ever did love me. 

We both wronged eachother in the worst way possible-cheating on your pouse is the ultimate betrayal. He never apologized for what he did to me which I wanted him to but know he probably never will and I've accepted that. I apologized to him more times than I can count (on the phone, in person, in a letter, in text, crying on his chest). No matter what I say though, or how many times, it's not going to change the fact of what I did. Or what he did. 

As for thinking of the good times--of course I think of those. In fact, I think I romanticize our past in my head and only remember the good parts and hardly any of the bad things. And things were really bad. Toxic. I used to not even want to leave work to go home. Sometimes he wouldn't speak to me for days "just because." I am freshly divorced (two weeks) so the hurt is still raw and hurts & prob always will because I felt I didn't get closure. He wanted us to still be together, just not married and I thought, well why go from being married to glorified roommates? The divorce wasn't my choice since I thought we could work through anything but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. I still deal w/ the fallout of everything so I am not "over it" yet but with time my feelings are changing in a way. I still have regrets (and my biggest regret is that I cheated) and of heartbreak. He did break my heart. And I told him this. I'll always remember him wistfully, I think. It's almost like I dreamt our entire relationship/marriage, like it never happened, since it's now over. 

In time I know things will be better and one day hopefully we can see eachother and there won't be bad feelings. I really did love him w/ all of me. 

As for detachment--if you have children, stick to co-parenting discussions w/ him only. If not, go fully no contact. It's what I am doing right now.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

AZMOMOFTWO -

I know exactly how you feel. When my husband and I first got married, I still had the extra pounds that child birth gives you. I've always been thin but I put on a lot of weight when I was pregnent. I think I was around a size 10 or so when we got married (still thin by any standards).

However, 2 months after we were married he had an affair with a teenager who was pretty and thin. Its put a huge effect on my health and self esteem. I'm now 3 pant sizes under where I was BEFORE I got pregnant and I still feel ugly and fat. When I eat a meal and look in the mirror sideways, my expanding stomach disgusts me. I'm humiliated by the idea of being seen in a bathing suit.

I hate my face structure even though I get hit on all the time at work. My flaws, even though they are invisible to everyone, make me feel so repulsive that I wish I looked like somebody, anybody else. I hate teenagers. I hate their tight @sses, their perky little boobs, their thin waists and their size 0 jeans. I hate how young and beautiful they are, and its not even their fault. It's my husband's fault I feel this way towards them. 

Not only does an affair take away the security and base of your marriage, it destroys your self esteem, makes you angry inside. I hope that a marriage can be rebuilt. Its not even been a year since my husband's affair but it seems like time is going slowly purposefully to annoy me. I'm desperate to cling on to my marriage and to try to make it work, and he seems willing too. I don't know what else to do other than work and try.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> AZMOMOFTWO -
> 
> I know exactly how you feel. When my husband and I first got married, I still had the extra pounds that child birth gives you. I've always been thin but I put on a lot of weight when I was pregnent. I think I was around a size 10 or so when we got married (still thin by any standards).
> 
> ...


Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear that husband cheated on you and your resulting lack of self-confidence. Getting confidence back is very hard but it can be done. Have you tried going to a personal counsellor? Also, try looking for CBT books - they helped me.

Good to hear that you are trying to be pro-active about rebuilding your marriage. Knowing how to rebuild is the most important part and if you have problems finding the right path to take I'd be more than happy to assist, as I've been where you are.

All the best.


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