# Functioning Alcoholic husband



## valueadded

I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 22years. My husband has a good job. Hes built up to 12 beers per night. No one knows except his family that he is an alcoholic because he drinks alone at home. I asked him to move out because of the fighting over his drinking. We have been separated for 3 months. We are going to marriage counseling. The counselor told me to go to al anon which I already was. He said that's not the issue to be working on. I know alcoholism is a disease but how can a spouse watch the others health deteriorate? How do you decide to stay or leave?


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## Almostrecovered

you can't "make" an addict see that they need help, in many cases they have to hit rock bottom for them to consider getting help for themselves. The fact that your husband can function and not get 10 DUI's, lose all of his friends, job, etc, means that he is likely to not hit some sort of nadir unless he has a major health issue (like cirrhosis).

So the question is can you honestly stick around while he kills himself slowly with 12 beers a night? I would say not, perhaps you leaving might be the impetus that gets him to seek help- probably not but you can't help him until he helps himself


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## valueadded

When he first moved out I filed for divorce. He quit drinking for 2weeks. My kids both said its the best dad they ever had. He talked me into putting the divorce on pending so we could go to marriage counseling. Now he appears to be drinking though I don't know because hes not living with me and he hides it well. That's the really confusing part. Hes a great functioning alcoholic. Actor.


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## Prodigal

valueadded said:


> When he first moved out I filed for divorce. He quit drinking for 2weeks. Hes a great functioning alcoholic. Actor.


He quit drinking to get his enabler to return to him. You've been in Al-Anon, so I am sure you know the role you play. You don't have to buy his booze, hide his booze, or drink his booze. You are THERE. That is generally enough for an A, because they don't want to have a real relationship with their spouse anyway. You are a distant second to the booze.

I left when the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving. And as far as the "functioning" alcoholic goes. Well, yeah, they do "function" to a degree, but it's not the way normies do. Try discussing feelings, important issues, getting emotionally initimate. Is it "functional" for someone to turn the tables on you and blame you for their issues? Because that is exactly what A's do. Blame-shifting is a big part of the disease and goes hand-in-hand with denial that there is really a problem.


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## valueadded

Your right I got sick last year and didn't get any support. Trying to talk about anything of significance he isn't interested. Life is all about him. He doesn't even spend time with his kids who are young adults. I am old fashion and think if a spouse has a disease you support them. If he doesn't try to quit and change I know I have to walk away. Its hard to give up on a 22 year marriage but I can only change myself and deserve to be happy the rest of my life.


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## Prodigal

valueadded said:


> Your right I got sick last year and didn't get any support. Trying to talk about anything of significance he isn't interested. Life is all about him.


I understand and sympathize with your situation. Yes, it is difficult to walk away from a marriage in which you have invested your energy and time. But look at hubs: he isn't investing in anything other than getting high on booze.

I was in the E.R. three times in '07, and each time I was there alone. The paramedics took me to the hospital in the ambulance, and I was on my own from there. Hubs didn't want his 9 a.m. "happy hour" disturbed to be bothered with my issues.

And, yes, an alkie can charm you right back into the relationship and keep you stuck ... until you just realize you are as sick as they addict for staying stuck.

To this day, my estranged husband still tries to manipulate me via email. Yeah, like I want a long-distance email relationship. Get a grip! There is something about keeping the enabler hooked. He!!, my husband sent me an email a month ago about a resentment from five years ago that I never even knew he had!

See, that is what gets my attention when I hear anyone call an alcoholic "functional." Yes, they wipe their a$$, they bring home a paycheck, they change the oil in the car, blah, blah, blah. But they are not a healthy "functioning" person by any stretch of the word.

Self-centered, self-serving, and manipulative. Or, as they say in A.A., "a raging egomaniac with a massive inferiority complex."

I hope you can get out of there sooner rather than later. The role model your husband is for your kids stinks. Unfortunately, kids raised in a home with an addict, usually end up becoming one or marrying one.

You deserve a better life. Really.


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## valueadded

You are probably right but he is a great actor. The daytime hes normal. At night he drinks as much as he can and can still get up for work at 6 am. Work a professional job for over 10 hours. Go to family functions not drink at all. No one knows except his wife and two kids. Its very confusing to me because to everyone else hes the perfect person. Generous friendly and like I said "functional" to an outsider.


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## shakirah

Hoping that your relationship will not fade for all the vices that he encounter. Leaving in the situation will not solved any problems.


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## valueadded

Has anyone tried an intervention? Was wondering if it would be positive or negative when someone is in denial.


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## valueadded

Why won 't a husband say he loves you? We are still separated but spend a lot of time together. Its very confusing. I have been going to al anon and its helped with the argumenting and the focusing on his drinking. We are in counseling


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## TBT

If he hasn't quit drinking and you know he loves you even though he's not saying it,then he's likely punishing you for being the bad guy.You're rocking the precarious balance in his fragile little world.Sorry for the suffering that you're going through.


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## Chris Taylor

Part of the problem is you... you've allow him to be this way for 22 years. And when he came back and started drinking again, you stayed, which reinforces his behavior.

I got sober before I lost it all, but I was pretty close. Unless he sees you leaving for good, he will never change.


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## CallaLily

He needs to held accountable for his actions. People sometimes need consequences in order to change. If that means you leaving, then it just does. I'm not saying that if you leave he WILL change for sure. BUT at least you are no longer there to put up with the nonsense. Don't you feel you deserve a happier, healthier life for yourself?


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## Mavash.

Why should he quit drinking? His life is working just fine. 

You're still spending time with him and giving him attention.


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## valueadded

We are going to marriage counseling. Counselor said spend a lot of time together. When he first moved out which I insisted we didn't see each other. I filed for divorce and he quit drinking. He asked me to put divorce on hold which I did. We have been getting along better with counseling but hes a highly functioning alcoholic I don't know if hes drinking.


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## Mavash.

valueadded said:


> I don't know if hes drinking.


This is a problem.


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## valueadded

Yes it is and the counselor said to not focus on the drinking and it is my main issue with my husband. Hes not living with me hes living with his parents.


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## Mavash.

valueadded said:


> Yes it is and the counselor said to not focus on the drinking and it is my main issue with my husband.


You need a new counselor. 

Rug sweeping never works.


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## valueadded

I am confused about the counselor. He said there's too many other issues to resolve. His drinking problem is his to solve and admit to. Hes in denial.


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## Jamison

And those issues are?


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## Mavash.

I agree what are those other issues?


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## TBT

I don't see how MC is going to help your marriage if it's not dealing with the root cause of your marriage problems.All it does is allow your husband to focus on other issues to blame for what's going on.You might be better served by a counselor who's better versed in families dealing with addictions even if you only attend by yourself at first.


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## valueadded

I am ready to give up on this marriage. The other issues are fighting not spending time together his controlling personality, money problems, inlaws and kids. Most of this was caused by his drinking.


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## trey69

Get you a new counselor, one that can help you with all of this. Get yourself into some Alanon meetings, and present him with separation papers if you're ready to move on. The only person you can help, is you.


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## ronnytote

You must try and slowly -slowly things will be all right. And always hope for the best.


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## endlessgrief

Listen to Prodigal, she knows of what she speaks. She had the balls to leave whereas so many of us do not. As far as waiting for them to hit bottom? I have been waiting for over 20 years, it ain't gonna happen. It would be easier to find The Holy Grail.

He's up to 12 beers a night eh? Count on that amount increasing. Once the beer doesn't do the job, he will switch to hard liquor. I was finding empty bottles of Hot Damn all over the house. Now it's run and coke every single night. 

The serenity prayer is all I can offer you. Since you attend Alanon, you know it by heart. Focus on making yourself better. Nagging, fighting, begging, etc. will not work. It's a losing battle and as the years go on, your resentment is going to eat you alive.

Do what you feel the need to do. It's okay to be scared of the unknown. I know I am! This is scary life changing stuff. In my opinion, the drunk isn't the one who suffers, it's those around them. If they drink to black out stage, they can do and say awful things and tear you down. They can apologize in the morning, but since they have no memory of what they did or said, to them, it never happened. YOU are the one who must carry the memories of horrible nights cleaning puke, urine, blood, and holes in the wall. 

When my H is drunk, his face changes. It's like he becomes a completely different person that I do not like or recognize. I call his alter-ego RICHARD (D!ck), but my H has never met D!ck.

If he turns into someone I did not marry, then when he is D!ck, I should be able to have a boyfriend on the side to spend time with while H drinks himself to death. Why not? He wouldn't remember anyway? It is natural to want to get revenge and hurt them back, and I have succeeded a few times, but in the end, I am still in hell.

Do what you can for you, he's a big boy, he doesn't need a mommy. That's what we are you know. We clean up the mess. You might want to get away before it gets worse (and it will no matter what he promises). And don't think that you leaving him will make him hit bottom. I have never heard of that working, the alki just crawls deeper into the bottle. 

I'm sorry I couldn't give you better advice, you and I are in the same boat and I struggle every single day. I have been told that this is a phase and he will get out of it. He just told me this tonight as a matter of fact. He has said that same thing for the past 15 years. While sober, I think they believe it. When drunk, forget it.


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## whatalk

Dear Valueadded, Thanks so much for posting. I recently joined here out of some imagined desperation , or urgency. I too have been living almost identically the same life only it is my wife and our son is only 10 years old , we have been together 27 years. and her family does knows ,.
What really struck me were all of the similarities. WOW! I felt as though I were crazy most of my life with this person.
The other big difference is I have not left or asked her to leave , telling myself that it's for my son's benefit. I do not want him to grow up in a divorced household, but there is no love between his mother and I . He and I have a very tight relationship , his mom not so much , she makes alot of excuses to not hang out with he and I only participating occasionally and always drinking before and during.
Does anyone have an opinion on how having a younger child colors the choice to separate?


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## SadSamIAm

My sister was married to a 'functioning' alcoholic. They had the same issues (spending time with kids, money, narcissism, etc.). These things were all caused by his drinking. 

It affected their children in that they weren't able to do many things other kids did, because they didn't have the money. The upside is that the kids all have great work ethics (because they had to work at an early age in order to have things).

My sister lived with this until the youngest was in Grade 9. She decided to leave. It was a tough year. Her husband continued to drink and eventually became not such a 'functioning' alcoholic. He was suspended from his job. Lost his driver's license.

My sister tells everyone that she can't believe she lived like that for so long. The family income dropped to approx. 1/3 (her income) and she says she ended up with more money. The husband was spending his income (2/3's) plus part of hers on himself (mostly drinking and cigarettes and toys).


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## endlessgrief

Prodigal said:


> Try discussing feelings, important issues, getting emotionally initimate. Is it "functional" for someone to turn the tables on you and blame you for their issues? Because that is exactly what A's do. Blame-shifting is a big part of the disease and goes hand-in-hand with denial that there is really a problem.


Truer words have never been said. My alcoholic H is fine and happy if we keep all conversations light and about insignificant things. The second I try to broach the subject of his A abuse, my unhappiness, his health, etc., he turns on me like a light switch. His facial expression changes, he gets VERY angry, rolls his eyes and starts to turn tables, "well YOU did this, or YOU did that" and then he shuts down and will refuse to even look at me. 

I have come to the conclusion that there is no healthy way to discuss alcohol with an alcoholic no matter how you approach it. They feel attacked, shameful, guilty, who knows what else. It's like trying to reason with a toddler who is having a temper tantrum in a store.


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## endlessgrief

SadSamIAm said:


> My sister was married to a 'functioning' alcoholic. They had the same issues (spending time with kids, money, narcissism, etc.). These things were all caused by his drinking.
> 
> It affected their children in that they weren't able to do many things other kids did, because they didn't have the money. The upside is that the kids all have great work ethics (because they had to work at an early age in order to have things).
> 
> My sister lived with this until the youngest was in Grade 9. She decided to leave. It was a tough year. Her husband continued to drink and eventually became not such a 'functioning' alcoholic. He was suspended from his job. Lost his driver's license.
> 
> My sister tells everyone that she can't believe she lived like that for so long. The family income dropped to approx. 1/3 (her income) and she says she ended up with more money. The husband was spending his income (2/3's) plus part of hers on himself (mostly drinking and cigarettes and toys).


It sounds like the spouses of alcoholics all live very similar lives with few variations. It floors me when I read stuff posted by others that is word for word what I could post as my truth. It is a bit comforting to know that I am not going crazy or imagining things. But living with an A is never easy for anyone.


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## DrunkenH

I signed up for this site specifically to post in this thread. I guarantee you that he is drinking.


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## valueadded

We got much closer and I actually thought it might work. Now I know he is drinking for sure. Last week we had an event that required him to stay in the house. He slept on the couch. He was drinking the second night he was here. He waited until after 10. He became withdrawn and mean again. Now we haven't talked for 4 days. I have been going to Al anon and its helped me a lot. When a long term marriage has no hope because of a disease its hard.


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## DrunkenH

Listen, I know this sounds harsh but you need to get the hell out of the relationship ASAP. I'm another one who completely destroyed my marriage by way of booze. I really think that he is going to get much worse before he gets better, if that ever happens at all. Honestly, for a serious drinker a twelve pack a day isn't really all that much. At the height of my debauchery, I was up to a fifth of vodka a day at the minimum. And believe me when I tell you that NO ONE could help or change me. I've seen this with myself and a lot of other people as well. If you stay with him, get ready to eventually hate him as much as my wife hates me, which I assure you is quite a bit. I can't hold it against her. I ruined her life. Don't let it happen to you.


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## valueadded

I filed for divorce 5 months ago but was asked to put it on hold while we work on these issues with a counselor. It would be a good marriage without alcohol but I know its not that way. I have changed for the better and he hasn't changed much at all. I am seriously thinking about calling my lawyer and setting up the court date. I have been living on my own and taking care of household and kids. For some really strange reason I love him but know love isn't enough. Thanks for the advice from the other side of the situation.


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## DrunkenH

valueadded said:


> Thanks for the advice from the other side of the situation.


Anytime. After all the f*cked up things I've done in my life a little friendly advice is the least I can give anyone. For what it's worth, marriage counselors fit squarely into the group of NO ONE that could help or change me that I mentioned earlier. The addict has to want it for him/herself. 

I can't even imagine someone having to go through this with kids in tow. We never had any, which was actually a huge point of contention. While it is most certainly for the best, as I'd have been the worst father in the world, I shredded my wife's dreams of motherhood. At the risk of TMI, my body was so messed up from so much alcohol all of my sperm were dead on arrival. My poor wife made the mistake of sticking with me until her body was unable to have children, thereby permanantly flushing that goal. Sorry if I'm rambling, I've just never wrote all this out before and it's kind of hard to stop. Addictive personality and all.


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## valueadded

I have a question for you. Do you really love your wife? I don't think my husband even loves me which makes this all so more bittersweet. After 22 years of marriage you would think that someone would care and be able to say I love you if not what am I really fighting for. 

My two kids are mostly grown. Neither one likes their Dad. My son is almost 21. I have a 16 year old daughter that I am very worried about. She doesn't know what a normal loving marriage really is. She has seen a lot of verbal abuse and some physical. It isn't good so that is one of the reasons why I asked my husband to move out 6 months ago.


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## DrunkenH

valueadded said:


> I have a question for you. Do you really love your wife? I don't think my husband even loves me which makes this all so more bittersweet. After 22 years of marriage you would think that someone would care and be able to say I love you if not what am I really fighting for.
> 
> My two kids are mostly grown. Neither one likes their Dad. My son is almost 21. I have a 16 year old daughter that I am very worried about. She doesn't know what a normal loving marriage really is. She has seen a lot of verbal abuse and some physical. It isn't good so that is one of the reasons why I asked my husband to move out 6 months ago.


I do, but I was certainly too much of a lowlife to make our love my number one priority. At the time, she was the second most loved entity in my life. My first love was the drink, my wife a distant second, not even within shouting range of a tie. Of course, when a person's spouse is not at the top of the list, abstract professions of love add up to jack-sh*t, and jack blew town years ago.

Also, to be forthright, when I use the term 'my wife' I'm only speaking in the most technical sense. While still married on paper, she left some time ago and has absolutely no designs on reconciliation. I see that when you asked your husband to leave he complied. My wife asked me to leave a hundred times but I was too drunk, too selfish, too mean to comply with her wishes. She eventually had no choice but to leave herself. Which of course was a much bigger hardship on her than if I'd had simply left. I regret all of this with every ounce of what soul I've managed to salvage.

My too-little-too-late sobriety is just that. I totally blew it with the one woman who was one hundred percent devoted to me. It's the worst feeling in the world, but I know that the blame is all mine. This is my life, it is what I have chosen over the course of decades, and I have to live with it until my last breath. 

All of that being said, try to understand that this is one of the better case scenarios for a full blown alki. You really have to decide what you're willing to live with.


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## DrunkenH

I would also like to add my thoughts regarding the small controversy about the terms 'functioning' and 'alcoholic' being paired. Personally, I think that these are two of the worst qualities a person can have.

I was not only functioning, but as my sponsor tells it I was high functioning. There is absolutely no written or oral record of my drunkeness other than the word of my wife or myself. I've never crashed a car, been arrested, gotten in a bar fight, engaged in domestic violence, etc. Hell, I've never been late for work. 

Most people think that I'm perfectly normal. That's the big lie. I bet damn near everyone on this site knows someone just like me, but has no idea.


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## valueadded

You sound exactly like my husband. He is a professional and highly respected in his company. He is a manager and never late to work either. All the drinking is at night where the only people that saw it were his wife and unfortunately his two children. I would personally rather have an alcoholic that is not functional at least then everyone knows and it is accepted. His family thinks I am crazy for kicking him out. After a while there is only so much a person can take and when the emotional abuse is so bad its not worth it. 
I am happy for you that you beat it. I am not too hopeful my husband will. I would be willing to support him to quit but he doesn't think he has a problem.


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## deejov

I'll add my two cents...
I also go to Al-Anon, and my room-mate H is trying to quit drinking.

He did go to counselling, and he is working on ways to deal with his stress which will replace the drinking. It takes a long time. The problem with that... is by the time he figures out how to function in life without getting drunk to drown his sorrows, I will be long gone. 

The problem I found with Al-Anon :
For me, it was more about helping you see it's not your fault, and the message was there is nothing you can do, the best thing you can do is leave. 

I don't know if that's necessarily true in all cases.

If you know the root cause of why someone drinks, you can help to address the issue and be supportive of them.

That means you have to know if he is addicted to alcohol, or just using it to cope with stress. And I do believe there is a difference. Either one means you are second to the booze, always. Not taking that personally takes very thick skin. 

addiction requires treatment program. Coping mechanism requires that he is willing to look at himself and willing to find a better way to deal with life. 

A lot of drinkers are soooo scared about facing life without booze after awhile that unless there is someone there to hold them up, they cannot do it. There has to be a motivation there. 

Once, I even videotaped him drunk. Probably not fair, because I knew the camera was there. But after 30 minutes, I left. He saw himself muttering and cursing and calling me names when I wasn't even there anymore. He was embarrased and wouldn't even watch all of it. All it did really was help him understand why I won't stick around when he's drunk. 

And sadly, I agree with most posters here. As long as he is drinking as much as he is, it's impossible to have a relationship. You can be friends, he can try to be a father, but it's harder on YOU because he cannot be a spouse. There's no sugar coating that. You will be sacrificing your needs. If you want more out of life, and a fulfilling marriage, it can't be with him if he is drinking. 

I know it's hard to comprehend... but he probably does love you, a lot. But the fear of facing life, and giving up drinking is bigger than that. It's mind crushing.


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## valueadded

The Al Anon group I go to doesn't recommend staying or leaving the alcoholic. They say it is a personal decision. They say to detach with love. To me this isn't a good marriage. I am still very confused on what I want to do even though I know what I should do.

I believe my husband is drinking for stress and probably partly a habit. He doesn't know how to relax. He uses alcohol only at night to relax and sleep. Now that he isn't living with me he tells me he stays up until 3 am and gets up around 5:30 am so he isn't sleeping much.

I agree its mind crushing and very confusing that someone can sacrifice a good family and marriage for alcohol. Its amazing how similiar our lives with alcoholics really are.


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## DrunkenH

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrunkenH

I'm glad you mentioned sleep, as that was a huge issue for me. When I stopped drinking, the physical effects were a nightmare. The first three days I didn't sleep at all. For the next couple weeks I logged two or three hours on any given day tops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## valueadded

Do you think he could have been trying to stop, but the pressures of being back in the house with me caused a relapse? He use to sleep 8 or more hours a night now hes posting on facebook or sending texts at 3 am.


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## Inabetterplace

Newbie here but not so new to living with an alcoholic. Little bit of background. 30 YEARS, yes that's right I "was/am" married to an alcoholic that long but finally I had enough. Oh I could have written most of the stories that I've read here and on other sites. 

In 1995 my husband started an online affair which lead to a face to face meeting. I found out and confronted him. He bet the crap out of me.......did I leave? Nope I kicked him out and after 7 days and $2000.00 dollars less in our checking account he came dragging his ass back home and being the "good little wife" I took him back. 

Then in 2000 I started going to counseling and asked him to join me. NOPE said it was a waste of time and money. Fast forward to 2009 I started attending Al Anon and praying that he would come to his senses. 

Unemployed and finding it very difficult to find a full time job at that time I started a small savings account for the day I would get out. Finally in 2010 I landed a good job and my self esteem begin to come back as well. Hubby was now drinking more if that was possible. I begged, threaten but still stayed. 

I checked out of our marriage. Detach with love.......LOL If you placed a large cardboard cut out of me on the den sofa he would have never known the difference. We had long stopped sleeping together and I could have cared less.

Then he started having health problems and stopped drinking for Lord knows how many times. I'd seen this many times in the past and I still held onto the dream of moving out. Well it finally happened I moved out about 2 months ago and the first time I walked into my apartment door a calm came over me and I felt like I could breath again.

He still calls, text and begs for me to come home. Which I expected him to do. He now says he cleans the house, and even doing some of those repairs he just never got around to doing. Hell he's even going to AA which he always said and I quote: just a bunch of ex drunks sitting around talking about how drunk they use to get". He's a changed man!! Sure and I'm the Easter bunny.

One minute he's sweet and the next he's sending me messages like I lied to him, I betrayed him yadda yadda. Dry drunk words. No I'm not planning on going back. I may not have a lot but I am in a good place. I wish him all the best and truly pray that this time he will over come this addiction. Only good thing that I was smart about was not to bring any children into this mess. 

Thanks for listening and prayers go out to all.


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## deejov

I don't really know what an alcoholic would go thru trying to quit... but yeah, there is a good chance he was using it to fall asleep every night. 

do you have an idea if you would stay if he quit drinking? Or are you done regardless?


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## Inabetterplace

It's not a one size fits all. It took me 30 years to leave and right before I left he quit drinking, but he had done this many times and when I left he was in shock and still is. He is now going to AA but for all the wrong reasons (so I'll come back). So he isn't ready for me to come back.

I don't know if I will go back so no one can answer this question but you. How many times have I asked my friends what would you do only to hear; I've never been faced with what you have been going through. It's a hard decision but if I had to go back in time I would have left the first time he ever laid a hand on me and I wouldn't have looked back. And as far as his drinking goes I should have left him years ago on that subject as well.


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## deejov

Detaching from an alcoholic can look like this:

_You see him with his mouth open, a permanent smirk on his face, and he can't seem to talk without a slur. If you didn't smell his breath, you would think "that poor man is mentally retarded"_

It's not pretty, at all. YOU remember what he said, did, and didn't do. And the anger that seeps up is very hard to handle.

Detached... you can start to think about why they think they get a free pass in life. Got problems? Why are they MY problems! Why do YOU get to drink and pass out, not help with the family or the house? Screw you! You are just LAZY.

That's the clear headed view of someone who gets drunk to escape life. There's not a lot of love in that. Maybe a great big dose of feeling sorry for them. 

I hope things work out for you,


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## valueadded

I would never have ask him to leave if he quit drinking. The problem is hes in denial that he is an alcoholic. He did admit that he drank too much. I am going to al anon meetings and have a sponsor. I am starting to work the steps. Taking it one day at a time. I think that's all you can do because you only have control over yourself.


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## Going Mental

valueadded, I had been living with a functioning pothead for 21 years (married 18). It took me over 18 months, intense MC & IC to finally reach my point of no return....two weeks ago.
Even though my stbxh has made amazing strides forward, I have finally realised that the pain on even one more fight with him is now more painful than letting him go and dealing with a separation and divorce. I have nothing left in the tank. You will know when you are done. You just know, not neccessarily in a blinding epiphany like some but is a quiet knowing way. You may also never reach that point.

If you are a reader, I would suggest a really really good book called Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft. Its about working out whether your relationship is savable or not. All the best.


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## Windward Whisper

I hope all is going well for you Valuadded

Please listen to what everyone else is saying. Your situation reminds me so much of mine. A LOT like mine!

I have been married to a functioning A for 22 years. It is true what the others say, I came from a family of A's and I ended up marrying one. I kept telling myself every day that "least he is a happy drunk". Then I went to Alanon and that didn't help, it just help me not stress out so much about it and not let it affect me, but it didn't help me hit rock bottom. In my situation, it kept me comfortable.

I'm not saying this would help you and I don't suggest it, but I stopped going to Alanon. I guess I needed to be the one to hit rock bottom in order to finally wake up!! It took a few years, and I finally got fed up and filed in February. I didn't want my daughter to end up marrying someone with this disease. I didn't want her to build up a tolerance for this. I will go back to Alanon, but I need to get through this first, I don't want to take any chances and start feeling sorry for him again.

He too was good at the tricks, he used to wait until we would go to bed and start drinking. I started finding used Halls cough drops all over the house to mask the booze breath. He always had to have his "special glass" to drink out of so I would find that in the sink too. A's think they are pretty smart, when in fact they really aren't. 

I know you hope that if you change, he will quit, but he won't unless he wants too and it sound like he really has no reason to. 

Just get out. Go through with the divorce and move on. You deserve to be happy and you will find happiness some day after you heal.

I know you're scared because so am I. I have no family, very few friends, and no job. But my daughter is the most important thing to me and I need to make sure she finds happiness!


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## valueadded

I think that recommending someone get a divorce and the person actually ready to get a divorce isn't as easy. It may be obvious to the outsider but to the one married for 22 years not so much. Things seem to be better but we aren't living together. Not sure how hes doing it but he is living with his parents. We are going to counseling and will see where it goes. 
I use to be very codependent on him but now not at all. I believe that Al anon does help. They don't tell you to feel sorry for the alcoholic and they don't recommend staying or going. They also give you coping tools while you make that big decision. It is a personal decision that some can make easily and others like me not. 
I am happy you are out and feel better about your life. I also have a daughter that I am worried about. She is 16 years old and I don't want her to think this is a healthy relationship.
My drunk is not a happy one. He is an alone drinker that behavior changes when drinking into a mean controlling person. That helped me tell him to move out 6 months ago. Not sure where its going but I have realized that no one can make someone else happy it has to come from within.


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## DrunkenH

valueadded said:


> I am happy for you that you beat it. I am not too hopeful my husband will. I would be willing to support him to quit but he doesn't think he has a problem.


Make no mistake, I didn't beat anything. I will always be an acloholic, I get by mere hours at a time. It's a constant struggle that can only be dealt with alone, in my opinion. Sure, I have friends and coworkers and a sponsor and all, but at the end of the day, alone in my apartment, it's just me and my willpower. Similar to laying on your deathbed, sure you can be surrounded by friends and family, but when it comes right down to it you're going alone.

I was a special kind of ******* while one the booze. Everyone's heard of social drinkers; I was an anti-social drinker. I didn't go to bars or parties, I didn't drink with anyone else, and I wanted complete solitude. It used to annoy the hell out of me if anyone wanted to contact me in any way while I was drinking, the wife included. I still don't really know what the hell is wrong with me, but like I said, mere hours at a time.


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## Sara Ann

I like this "I left when the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving."

For the alcoholic, he will stop when the pain of drinking exceeds the pain of stopping. People stop their addiction when they BELIEVE they can LIVE WITHOUT IT. Believe me, deep down the alcoholic knows it is wrong but he is afraid to live without his best friend. Addiction is a love affair gone wrong. If you take away their lover they will get mad. Read The Forgotten 5 Steps. It was the best book I found, after all the 12 step stuff I went through, arrgh.

It does not have to be a rock bottom. For my pill addiction, I just needed a change in circumstances around me, my kids growing up, my savings account dwindling, and I had to break free and get a grip so I went to get help to detox. Now our 24 yr marriage is the best it has ever been! The past 2 years have been terrific.

I was once addicted. Addiction is a choice, a bad habit, NOT A DISEASE! Please educate yourself on non 12 step material, PLEASE.

When the bottle is his best friend, everything is second. One thing that helped me quit is having my family around me, loving and nice. I kept thinking I wanted to rejoin them,but I was so stuck in my prison. 

Whether you leave or stay is up to you. Just take the next indicated step.


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## valueadded

What non 12 step material do you recommend? Al anon has me convinced it is a disease. I am being supportive but not naive. I still haven't made the decision to stay or go, but have restarted my life on my own. Made some friends, starting to take care of me instead of focusing on my husband, and doing hobbies I enjoy. I think you can offer support if its wanted but not put your life on hold.


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## Sara Ann

I'm not here to promote anything, but since you asked. I've read many books on addiction as choice. For websites, I really like thecleanslate.org For books, the very very very best book, with a section at the end for families saying it is not enabling to love someone, is an e-book called The Forgotten Five Steps by Timothy Walsh or Welch. I bought it online, but I think it's available free too. For all the people who say it's a disease - bull****! I cannot find one study to show this. Read thecleanslate dot org - he has a lot of stuff on the choice model.


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## valueadded

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## valueadded

I was wondering if anyone else who has an alcoholic spouse has to deal with illogical thinking.
I am still having a difficult time. Things are stressful for my alcoholic husband with work and illness
In his family. We are still separated going to marriage counseling and I am going to Alanon. It's helped 
Me a lot. He has not admitted he's an alcoholic or is getting help. Our counselor 
Has recommended spending weekends together. It works out ok for two months and there is no drinking. After two days he's
Ready to go back to his parents house. Think it's the fact he likes to drink and there Its very acceptable there. 
My problem is that I don't want to do the weekends for now. Maybe I will change my mind
But it's too confusing and it bothers me he's happy with this situation. Does anyone else have this situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

I think your counselor needs to be replaced. You aren't dealing with the REAL issue: Your husband's drinking. Your wasting your time and your life. It's time to get on with it. Get another counselor for yourself and stop the madness. 

Marriage counseling isn't going to change this situation. Only your husband can change this situation and he's on his own. You have to start being functional yourself, on your own, for yourself and your child. 

Do you like being apart better than together? Do you feel relieved when you aren't with him? You need to listen to what's within yourself and be realistic rather than pursuing some fantasy of what a perfect marriage you'd have if only IF he would stop drinking. 

He won't stop drinking. Face the fact that he IS drinking. If he can't admit he has a problem, then why should he stop? What you are doing now is wasting time and he's buying time hoping that he'll wear you down and you'll come back. 

My husband is an alcoholic. He hasn't worked a full time job in over 2 years. Yesterday was the 2nd year that he left and I have never wanted to go back with him since. Being on my own has been infinitely better. 

In 2 years he's been detoxed and been in the hospital and rehab 3 times. At his worst he was drinking a quart of rum a day. I was there in the hospital when the doctor told him that if he kept drinking he would die. He has a problem with blood clots and his veins and the drinking makes it worse. 

So, he went to rehab, came out and told me he was going back to work. He begged me to move in with him, told me I'd finally have a savings account (he inherited a large amount of money from his father, none of which he shares with me). All I had to do was move in with him. 

I said "no". Best decision I ever made. The worst was marrying him. But the worst mistake you can make is the one you don't learn from. I've learned. I told him "no" and he went back to work for a few months and then the drinking started again and now he doesn't work anymore but tells me he does "once in awhile"

Despite the fact that he is killing himself "It's not so bad because it's 'just' beer", he sits in his car and smokes and drinks beer for hours so that our son doesn't see it. 

My daughter doesn't even acknowledge his existence. I have no more emotional investment in him or the marriage. All he is now is a potential troublemaker. His drunkeness and antics have ruined family gatherings so I avoid doing anything as a family. One on one he's usually OK but I find him rather boring as half the time we are together he goes outside in his car to drink and smoke for an hour at a time.

Holidays are a real problem because my daughter doesn't want to see him at all, my son still feels bad for him and I don't have the heart to let a man who I still care about but can't say I love or respect spend the holidays alone and it's important to my son that we all be together.

I'm not sexually attracted to him at all, which is ironic because now he's finally attracted to me, probably because he is sensing that I've drifted away from him physically and emotionally. I have no desire for him at all. He's finally killed whatever passion I once had for him. 

There's no anger in me, or hatred or even resentment. All that is gone. I just don't care. It's a blessed relief to feel this way. I dreamed of it and wanted and now I've got it and I'm not giving it up because I finally feel free and in control. 

I have been reading this entire thread and basically it's my husband described in full detail. He drinks, he changes, he blames, he's angry and defensive and narcissistic. He's impossible to live with and deal with. He will stop drinking after he is hospitalized and be good for a few months but then it's right back to the bottle because, as he puts it..he's "fine". It's OUR problem if we can't deal with the way he is, not his. 

I used to think that he'd want to stop drinking and feel good and healthy again and have a good life with his family but he can't stop drinking, or doesn't want to. He's managed to alienate and drive away most of his friends and family but nothing stops his passion and love affair with the bottle. It's the bottle that matters the most in his life. 

It doesn't really matter anyway. What matter is that those of us who are affected by this figure it out and move on and get on with our own lives. You get ONE trip down the road of life. There are no "do overs" or U turns. Why waste your own life in a futile attempt to save someone who doesn't want to save himself? 

When you wake up and the first thought in your head is NOT about your husband then you are on the path to recovery. This isn't about HIS recovery..It's about yours.


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## Freak On a Leash

endlessgrief said:


> My alcoholic H is fine and happy if we keep all conversations light and about insignificant things. The second I try to broach the subject of his A abuse, my unhappiness, his health, etc., he turns on me like a light switch. His facial expression changes, he gets VERY angry, rolls his eyes and starts to turn tables, "well YOU did this, or YOU did that" and then he shuts down and will refuse to even look at me.
> 
> I have come to the conclusion that there is no healthy way to discuss alcohol with an alcoholic no matter how you approach it. They feel attacked, shameful, guilty, who knows what else. It's like trying to reason with a toddler who is having a temper tantrum in a store.



I think we lived with the same man. I don't even try to discuss my husband's alcoholism or our problems anymore. In fact, I'll go out with him for dinner and drinks because often he'll pay. He can drink all he wants at this point because as long as it doesn't ruin my day or affect my life, I don't care. Because I don't care I don't try to talk to him or reason with him about anything serious and we don't fight. Works pretty well. 

Biggest problem we are having now is he seems to have sensed my change in attitude and emotions and while he appreciates the fact that I'm not bothering him about stuff he seems panicky about losing me "you're not thinking of divorcing me, are you?". He wants to be with me more. He will tell me how much he loves me, desires me and wants to be with me. 

I often have to turn off the phone because he will call over and over again. If I answer the phone he will quiz me on what I'm doing and beg me to spend time with him. If I say I'm busy he will get angry and start in on me so I try and avoid these confrontations, which stress me out and piss me off. 

It's interesting that when you REALLY do walk away (not just going through the motions) they sense it and panic and try to pull you in closer. Not working this time. What is it that they say? 

*Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you.*

I just want peace and to enjoy my life. When he gets in the way of that I avoid him.


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## valueadded

Happy Valentines day. I am getting stronger not ready to make the last step.. just wondering how does a spouse watch their loved one kill themselves slowly with alcohol? I am working on myself but the disease is very cruel. I am having a hard time with this one. I go to al anon and read a lot of books on the subject.


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## Freak On a Leash

valueadded said:


> Happy Valentines day. I am getting stronger not ready to make the last step.. just wondering how does a spouse watch their loved one kill themselves slowly with alcohol?


I don't watch anymore. I filed for divorce. He's currently sober and in AA. I wish him luck but I'm not dealing with the crap anymore. Time to move on.


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## Ignis

valueadded said:


> You sound exactly like my husband. He is a professional and highly respected in his company. He is a manager and never late to work either. All the drinking is at night where the only people that saw it were his wife and unfortunately his two children. I would personally rather have an alcoholic that is not functional at least then everyone knows and it is accepted. His family thinks I am crazy for kicking him out. After a while there is only so much a person can take and when the emotional abuse is so bad its not worth it.
> I am happy for you that you beat it. I am not too hopeful my husband will. I would be willing to support him to quit but he doesn't think he has a problem.


I believe in a relationship where alcohol is alive, both partners have problem, not only one. That is why treatment includes both. The partner of alcoholic usually has control problems and is co-dependend.


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## Ignis

valueadded said:


> I filed for divorce 5 months ago but was asked to put it on hold while we work on these issues with a counselor. It would be a good marriage without alcohol but I know its not that way. I have changed for the better and he hasn't changed much at all. I am seriously thinking about calling my lawyer and setting up the court date. I have been living on my own and taking care of household and kids. For some really strange reason I love him but know love isn't enough. Thanks for the advice from the other side of the situation.


Please, let me correct you. Love is more than enough, but love sometimes demands to go further and leave a partner (for his own benefit).

You will always love him - be grateful for that!


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## valueadded

I agree that both spouses might have issues. The alcohol problem brings these out. I am getting help. I am going to al anon and working on myself but he doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol and wont get help.


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## Navy3

I feel so heavy hearted reading sometimes because i see my life. i'm dealing with my husbands long term debts (big sums of £ that have grown at alarming amounts),part of that debt has been him drinking- about 10 cans a night. 

the debt ( i believe part is gambling,lottery & him wanting "things" he can't afford),the debts have really put us on the breadline. some mths are so tight we barely meet our outgoings. his lack of funds have meant he just hasn't got the cash or the credit to buy booze,his prefered dink has always been beer. sometimes there are competitions at his work,he'll come home with a bottle of wine that he "won". i have NEVER known him drink wine but now he is. he'll try to get me to drink with him,if not ( im not much of a drinker) he'll drink alone. he doesn't savour it,its about getting the drink.
those times when he had the credit to drink he did every day. i've tried talking about how i feel he seperates,there's a distance when he drinks. he doesn't get it. we've been married over 25yrs. i feel v sad looking back at how many times this has all been repeated.

i do love him but it does hurt. facing co dependacy issues takes courage - i'm there. as does knowing i am second to my husbands want for booze & everything that lead to such huge debts. he says i'm his number 1, that's a load of rubbish.

i am so sad to realise i've "enabled" my husband to re start the whole running up debt & drinking over & over by rescuing him - lending large amounts of £ from family to pay debt off.

he has started therapy now,surprisingly this came about when i told my dr about the debts he runs up. it was me saying i've had enough that brought him up with a start. 
he is low at the moment. it's hard. in some ways i'm better up to my neck in debt with him,at least then he can't run up any more & he hasn't got the funds to buy much booze. 

i'm not sure what kind of marriage it is,a sad one most of the time,lonely - he's always working to get £ to pay the debts,other times he's so detached - in these at home detached times i feel more pain in my heart than i do than being alone while he's in work. there's v little £ around for "fun" or a hobby. on 1 of the mental health forms he filled in for his therapy assesment he put that HIS social life was the thing most severly effected! i couldn't believe it - the selfish **************. it has all been about him & what He wants. i don't accept the bull he comes out with.

time will tell. i know i am powerless over his choices. but that scares the life out of me because the law states i'm liable if he can't pay debts.


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