# Hi, New Here...seeking some advice (married almost 12 years) Arguing all the time



## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

Hi,

For the past two months we are arguing all the time. I believe some of it is ME....you know, sometimes you just know when you are being unreasonable and yet you continue....however I feel so JUSTIFIED and RIGHT when I get angry and upset, but when we calm down, finally, and discuss things, I start to wonder logically, why am I getting so upset? In the moment I do not hear that warning bell telling me I am being unreasonable, I feel fully justified....LOL

I am resentful. I tell myself to let things go, and yet I am unable to follow through.

I can identify TWO things that have happened in our lives that coincide with the increased arguing. One I don't feel really has much bearing, and the other I believe has a lot to do with it.

About two years ago my hubby had a 'mid life' crisis in which he told me that he wanted to spice up our sex life because it suddenly hit him that 'this was it!' He wasn't going to cheat, so anything that he was going to experience from here on out in life was going to have to be with me and my participation. 

Let me tell you, I felt tremendous pressure to do more, be more, participate more, stretch my horizons. Ultimately this has led us down a path of me being pushed beyond my comfort zone....'playing' with another woman and then another couple. Over the holidays (here recently) he actually had intercourse with the other woman of the couple after I left the room, even though I made it very clear that I was going to 'take care of him' when he joined me. I guess I wasn't very clear...

Anyway, I feel partly responsible for what occurred because I left the room...what was I thinking? Right. So we've discussed this and I have only really brought it up one time, although I do on occasion think about it and get ticked off, I try really hard not to let on that I'm thinking about it.

I do believe that this is the icing on the cake so to speak....the straw that broke the camel's back.....so anytime I feel unappreciated (start getting resentful) my thought process is: "look at all this stuff I've done FOR HIM in the name of keeping our marriage good for both of us, stuff that I would probably never do without some prompting...."

I know, I know, I should have never done ANY of it unless I was 100% comfortable with it, but I really really didn't want to let him down. And that's where it gets so bad....I did it for that very reason, and yet I'm not getting any credit for it. Why do I feel like I need credit??????? Shouldn't his happiness be enough?

See...part of it is that I was dragging my feet about the whole thing...we would have opportunities to 'play' with this other couple, and I would chicken out. AND THEN he would get mad at me for being such a chicken....and yet he can't figure out why I feel like I did this more for him than for me?

Maybe it's not all me, but I can't undo the past, and I can't continue to feel angry and resentful. 

I think I'm just tired of giving. Isn't that awful? I simply have no more tolerance, no more desire to let it 'slide off my back'....

Help. I want a good marriage, I want to be happy, and yet I seem to be stuck, resentful, intolerant

.....thanks...--Red


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Tell him that he married you and that you did that stuff for him but you have felt uncomfortable with it and it simply will not happen again.

draconis


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## tragic (Mar 3, 2008)

I'm sorry but I think you should leave the guy. I think forcing your wife, by domination or just taking advantage of the fact that you were willing to go along with it for his sake, to have sex with other people is ridiculous and borders on abuse.

In my opinion your marriage was over the moment you left that room and he didn't get up and come with you and I think what you are waiting for is for him to admit that what he's doing is abusive towards you.

Of course you are flipping out. Its pretty much Post traumatic stress disorder with the angry outbursts.

Frankly you should pack up your stuff and get to walking because for this man to do this to you is unreal. No one deserves to be treated this way, especially not by someone you are supposed to trust as your friend and protector in life.

I really suggest you see a therapist.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

I think the idea of seeing a therapist is a very good idea, for yourself, your hubby, and your marriage.
You and your hubby sound like both of you, in your marriage, have developed quite alot of selfishness and because of that, miscommunication in your marriage. I hear alot of "I, me,mine" and "he says, he wants, he did"; if you want this marriage to survive BOTH of you have to learn to say "we" and "ours".


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

Thanks Draconis, this is really what it boils down to, simple things. To be honest, I think my reaction is fairly normal, but it's time to move on and I believe we have. We talked some more and things appear to be settling down....just a bump in the road. In general I think my hubby is a great guy!


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

Tragic, Thanks for your reply. I do not believe it was abuse or force, I believe it was my interpretation or perception of what I should do...even if he did get angry or whine, I should have had more of a backbone and stood my ground. I think I acted out of fear...fear that he would cheat if I didn't 'do' certain things, and what is really unfair about that is that he has great character and morals, and I didn't trust him. That's sad and wrong. He didn't abuse me....the only time he really lacked judgement was when I left that room, but then so did I lack judgement....I was just too *fearful* of raining on everyone else's parade... Again, my perception of things was skewed....I should NOT have been so fearful about pleasing others. It was a good lesson to learn, and frankly I think that's why we've been arguing so much, because I'm going in the other direction now about standing my ground. Now I stand my ground on every itty bitty subject! LOL....I think I just need to learn some balance and listen very attentively to myself, and not project what I *think* will happen and trust just a little more.


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

MollyL, thank you for your reply and input. I do think some counseling would probably be very helpful and I have suggested it to hubby, but he wasn't very responsive. I do not think I have been very selfish or that I am very selfish......I did put a lot of "me and I" in my wording because I do not know any other way to talk about MY feelings vs. HIS feelings. We do not have the same feelings, we are not ONE, we are two people trying to create a life together. We are together all the time, we have our own business, we work together, do most things together as a family, we are very into our children...etc....believe me, we do a lot of we and our, I simply don't know how to discuss my issues and my problems in an "our" context.

I am not saying that I did not contribute to our current problems, because I do believe I made several mistakes, more than he did really.

I believe he has been selfish, but he would never admit it in a million years because he just can't face it that he really would be that way....we've had many conversations in which he has tried to convince me that I really *want* these things....and to me, my interpretation is that he's really just trying to convince himself that I really *want* these things in order to clear his conscience (sp? sorry)

We discussed things further and have stopped a lot of the arguing....so I am hopeful that we have moved past the biggest bump in the road! LOL


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi Red, 

I am going to ask you at the outset to forgive me if anything I say hurts your feelings........you talk about cheating, your husband DID cheat on you, to me the whole thing is very clear. Your husband wanted to have sex with another or other women, he attempted and succeded in manipulating you into going along with it. He did cheat on you and you are clearly hurt about it, yet trying in some way to justify or take blame for it to make it all alright. Please understand I realize this is my opinion........marriage is a lifelong commitment, designed to provide love, respect and faithfullness to both involved, your husband has attempted and succeded in turning it into a game, and games, by design, have winners and losers. I think that you are deeply hurt, no one ever wins when adultery is involved, there is a deep tearing. You said he had the mid-life crisis 2 years ago, but just recently had intercourse with another woman, thats a long time that you have been dealing with his interest in having sex with other people or "playing" as you so delicatley put it. I believe you are arguing because the real issue has not been dealt with, your husband set out and succeeded in cheating on you, involved you in it, so he would not have to take responsibility for adultery. If your child came to you and said "mom I am having a mid-child crisis and I need to rob a bank' would you go along with it? Your husband came to you with a "mid-life" crisis and robbed you red, I am very sorry that this happened to you.


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

Kirablue, thank you for your opinion and insight. You might be right, and there is a part of me that is very resentful about the whole thing. BUT, big BUT, what good does it do me and/or our marriage to hang on to that resentment? I do have moments in which I think, yes, I was totally manipulated...but the truth is that I could have said, NO. Really, I could have. 

So if this is an issue that must be dealt with, what suggestions do you have for dealing with it in a productive manner? Hashing it over again and again doesn't seem to be the way to go???? What ways could I do this in a manner that would preserve what good parts of the marriage we have????

Thanks!


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi Red, certainly I am not an expert, I do feel very strongly about what happened to you. First I will address one thing you said, you could have said no you said, yes BUT if he respected you, you should have never had to make that choice. You asked for advice on what you should or can do now, I cannot go any further than to ask this; this is all very recent, does he still want to "play"?


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

Kirablue, He hasn't made any mention of 'playing' again.


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## kirablue (Feb 20, 2008)

Hi Red, ok I will give you my advice on what I think will help you, please again I am NO expert, I will just tell it to you as I see it. First, sit down with your husband when you have time together alone, no tv, kids, etc. Tell your husband exactly what you said above word for word, that you did not want to do the things he talked you into to doing and that you regret doing it and feel hurt and resentment towards him. Make sure that you say EVERYTHING that you feel and think about it, don't leave anything unsaid, be specific.
Then tell him (I think this is what you are indicating if not I stand corrected) tell your husband that you do not want to do anything like that ever again, and then forgive him for what happened. Hard to do, but make a DECISION to let it go. Neither of you can change what happened, but you can change today and every moment forward. I also suggest, if you are willing, to decide on a time each week to discuss difficult issues, what is bothering you both, hurting each of you, what things you can each do to improve your marriage, SPECIFICALLY what each of you would like to do in your marriage that each of you may feel is lacking. Confine this type of discussion to once a week for a specific time only. Then at the end of this discussion choose to tell each other at least one thing that happened over the previous week within your marriage that was really encouraging or exciting or helpful. Then, and this is for you Red, because you are the one asking for help, during the rest of the week, when you feel resentment or anger or irritability creeping up STOP, go for a walk, go in the bathroom, if possible ask your husband to excuse you for a time, sit down focus, DECIDE...is what I am about to say going to build up my marriage or tear it down? Then you have to decide, if the answer is tear it down, is it worth it? I have found (in my own life) that some of what we do is habit, we have control over our mouths, our actions, our reactions. It seems that you may be getting into a habit of arguing, CHANGE IT, you can, it may not be easy, but it gets easier as you practice it and the habit can be broken. I was in the habit of saying what I thought and felt before stopping to think of the reaction of others, and surely I do not do it perfectly, but I have found that as I get better at it there is much less strife in my life with others, and I am having more peace in my life. Please understand sometimes you may be VERY justified in saying what you want to say, but stop and think about it, is it really worth it, especially for you if you have made the decision to forgive your husband, then you must really work on letting it go. I believe this is truly why you are arguing, deal with it, let it go, and learn the very very hard task of controlling what you say. If you do decide to try this, I will be interested, if you start having success with it as I have, to hear of the outcome. 
OK, now I am going to suggest something that you did not ask about specifically. You indicated that your husband at the outset of his mid-life crisis desired more spice in his sex life. Well that is certainly something you can do that is extremely healthy for your marriage, really fun, and will probably make you feel better also. YOU spice it up, it is easy and I think it is fun. I will give you one example if you already don't do it. Talk to him about it in places that you cannot do it. On the phone when he is at work, right before you are about to enter the family home for Christmas. I am serious, if you have not tried this, do it, you may be very pleasantly surprised ) Looking forward to seeing if you try any of this and if it helps you. Hoping your marriage mends completely and becomes happy for you both!


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

thanks Kirablue, that was all very good advice.....funny side note, we talked yesterday about our arguing....when we weren't having a fight, which was a good time to do it (like you suggested, pick a neutral time) and I think that talk was very good for us....


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