# Husband no longer wants sex after stroke



## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

We have been married 13+ years and have had a decent sex life. We are in our 50's, so I do understand the aging issues. My husband has always been very highly sexed, and that was a-ok with me. After several years of marriage however, every time I initiated, he couldnt perform. This happened at least 5 or 6 times in a row, and I just figured that it was off putting to him and I stopped initiating, and everything was fine, or so I thought. When he was 48 ( he is 56 now) he had a mild heart attack. The docs put him on meds and it has become increasingly difficult for him to get any kind of erection. 2 years ago, he suffered several small strokes, and at that time, he said he didn't want to be married anymore. His physical body is ok, post stroke but his brain took a big hit, and it has taken nearly three years to get to "I love you and really want our marriage to work". He quit counseling, quit any kind of therapy to get his emotional life back on track. In those three years, he has been verbally and emotionally abusive in the extreme. I have fought very hard for our relationship and I do want to stay with him, and I continue to hope that at least part of the man I married is buried in the anger somewhere and I can bring him back. In the last couple of months he has gone back to the loving and mostly considerate man I married, with one HUGE exception. He no longer has any interest in sex, what so ever. I have begged for him to get some help, be tested for low-T (it is in the low normal range). He has a serious ED problem now, and I have not wanted to put any guilt or pressure on him, so I let the matter drop until recently. We ad a frank and open discussion, told him that three years was a long time to go with out, and I still find him attractive.. blah blah blah. We scheduled a time, and when I went into the bedroom, he was laying there as if he were going to his own execution. it upset me and I said nevermind. A huge fight ensued, and he accused me of never initiating or asking. In the past three years I have not initiated, but have asked, at least 5 times, and always got a no. To make a rather embarrassing and long story short, we tried, but it didnt happen. He is on a lot of meds that I know he has to take, and the docs do not want him on any of the viagara type drugs, nor the T- creams. All this means is that I am doomed to a sexless marriage for as long as I stay, and I am slowly going insane. It is not only the physical release, but the emotional bonding. I feel farther an farther away from my husband and although I love him with all my heart, and have endured alot from him that he wasn't entirely responsible for, I am lonely, sexually frustrated and don't know how to to deal with this. Any thoughts? I probably should add that a co-worker has expressed a serious interest in me, and I am attracted to him as well. I will not cheat, but it brings up sexual urges I have tried very hard to surpress. I want to have sex with my husband, not someone else.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you.

Have you talked to his doctor?


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Fiesty, my heart goes out to you also. My husband also had a severe stroke 5 years ago at age 43. He has come back preaty well except for cognitive issues and major depression. As far as sex goes he was fine for the first few years post stroke, a little bit of ed but only when tired. As he has had anti depressants added and more drugs for anger and high BP, he has a lot of trouble now. It's not fun for the partner as we feel kinda like we are to blame. He also has not tried viagra or anything.

We have been in counseling both marriage and seperate. He has a lot of life changes he has had to go through. So do I. He is different now than the man I married. His emotions were really hit hard where his brain was injured. 

We have gone through so much hell over the last five years trying to adjust to life as he is now cosidered dissabled. He lost his business and our home. As I see it our lives have changed and we have to learn to stand together strong. I can only say if you can try and get both of you back to counseling. We have gone to many before we found ones who work with brain injurys. 

We recently were separeted for 8 weeks because of many of his lousy behaviors. But after 23 years we decided to try it over. We love each other but it is a strugle after any serious illness. 
Bring this ED problem up to his neuro and other doctors as this is so very hard for any man. We are in the same boat it stinks. In the meantime I try a lot of compassion and love. Snuggle and touching dosn't hurt either. Time and love and compassion. Best to you both, hang in there. Toby


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My heart goes out to you.
I remember the changes in my Dad's personality after his stroke. He was a completely different person.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ok, so his willie may not cooperate, entirely. He's still got a mouth and hands. Might he be open to the suggestion of some very hot and heavy fooling around that doesn't involve his penis?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Ok, so his willie may not cooperate, entirely. He's still got a mouth and hands. Might he be open to the suggestion of some very hot and heavy fooling around that doesn't involve his penis?


I agree with the above? Is he interested in pleasing you at all? Surely his pride has taken a massive hit from the stroke in general. Just by your story (and I have been in the hhc industry and seen how people's personalities change, etc). Talk to him and request some other ways to regain intimacy, ask him for some baby steps.


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

I told him that.. It seems as if it can't be mutual it won't be anything at all. I am getting very tired of feeling like a sex crazed perv because I think my husband is hot and I am attracted to him. He won't cuddle, hug or do anything remotely physical. He has said, more than once that he keeps the house and such, that should be enough. I tried to explain that those things are nice, but they do not promote a close connection or emotional bond. He says he knows, but is unwilling to fix it. He told me yesterday to not pull any more stunts like going naked it front of him, it was not going to work, then yelled at me because I won't initiate. I am going insane.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If his indifference to your needs end up killing the marriage, the house will be sold. How much will his housework mean, then? If he doesn't want you walking naked in front of him, who would he like you to walk naked in front of?


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If his indifference to your needs end up killing the marriage, the house will be sold. How much will his housework mean, then? If he doesn't want you walking naked in front of him, who would he like you to walk naked in front of?


I asked him that question. He told me he wasn't into threats and If I ever even thought of another man, I could just keep walking. 

I have fought him, hard to keep our relationship, because it was the best ever, and I mean that. No one will ever love me care for me or treat me better than he did pre-stroke. To live with that man in this new form has been incredibly difficult. I am doing every thing I can, because if, at some point I have to walk away, I want to do so knowing I did everything humanly possible to learn how to love this new man, and that way the guilt won't eat me alive.

How do I learn to live in a room-mate relationship?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Is he on any medication? If so, do some internet searches on the adverse effects of each drug he takes. One of them may be contributing to his ED.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Feisty53 said:


> I asked him that question. He told me he wasn't into threats and If I ever even thought of another man, I could just keep walking.
> 
> I have fought him, hard to keep our relationship, because it was the best ever, and I mean that. No one will ever love me care for me or treat me better than he did pre-stroke. To live with that man in this new form has been incredibly difficult. I am doing every thing I can, because if, at some point I have to walk away, I want to do so knowing I did everything humanly possible to learn how to love this new man, and that way the guilt won't eat me alive.
> 
> How do I learn to live in a room-mate relationship?


It's not a threat. It's an appeal to logic. You have needs. You didn't ask for them. You can't just turn them off. He signed up to attend to those needs. If your sexual needs aren't his business, who's supposed to attend to them? He's had a stroke. He isn't dead.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Whilst I fully understand how frustrating and hurtful you must be finding this, I wonder if you and your H have spoken with his neurologist about these issues? Strokes can make some pretty big changes to someone's personality etc, and it might be worth exploring things with the doctor.

Of course _I'm not saying this is the case with your husband_ (not for one minute), but I heard of a case quite recently where a previously heterosexual young male, on recovering from a stroke, discovered he was homosexual. It is possible, however, that the stroke has had an adverse on your H's libido, and this is worth checking out with his doctor.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I suggest discussing the possibility of weekly testesterone shots with his doctor again or asking for a second opinion. Perhaps the doctor didn't understand the seriousness of the libido problem (that it is a serious risk to your marriage) and perhaps a trial of testosterone therapy could be tried while keeping a close eye on your H's blood pressure and other markers. Testesterone is a natural substance that men need, not something more artificial like Viagra. Viagra helps with ED but it is testesterone that helps with libido. I recommend reading as much as you can on the subject of testesterone supplementation. The optimal T level varies for each person. A good doc will take into account how is feels in general and also his libido, as well as any regularly monitoring his blood for problems such as increased BP, PSA, Estrogen, hemoglobin (all things that can be affected by T supplementation). There are risks to supplementing and also different risks to not supplementing in someone with low T, and these should all be discussed with doctor ensuring he understands the current ' zero libido' situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

He is supposed to be doing these things. He says "yeah he needs to" me: but will you?
Him: I said i need to
me but will you?
and the circle continues.
Yesterday I called him and told him it was everything I could do to not turn around on my way to work, come home and jump his bones. his reply?
Thanks for telling me.. what do you want for supper?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Feisty53 said:


> He is supposed to be doing these things. He says "yeah he needs to" me: but will you?
> Him: I said i need to
> me but will you?
> and the circle continues.
> ...


You're truly one loyal woman, Feisty, that any self-respecting man would be totally honored to have as his better half. 

What is your hubby's long-term prognosis? Does the Dr. see improvement coming or is his condition deemed to be degenerative? Was just wondering!

Best of luck to you, Sweetheart! My prayers go out to you both!


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