# Making the marriage work by ignoring each other



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Some of you have read my posts in the past, some of you haven't.

To place a very short backstory for the latter group- my H and I were friends on/off for 12 years (when we lived in the same city we hung out over coffee and talked basically), when we got together romantically last year we thought it was fate and got married very quickly. Truth to be found, we really don't know each other that well at all and have some MAJOR personality discrepancies. I have a six year old son (before you tsk tsk me for rushing into marriage when I have a child, I've already done that to myself enough, thanks). Anyway I still love him and he still loves me but we are just sitting on our issues at this point. We've done the couples books, the boundaries lists, the parental agreement, talking it out, etc etc.

The bottom line is he has major issues controlling his emotions and due to my personal history I just cannot handle that well. He says very cruel things to me sometimes (rarely but even for me every couple of weeks of making statements like "you made your son's father an abuser" is totally unacceptable) and is dismissive of my concerns about anything. He is constantly picking fights with my son and acting HIS age, and I get stuck between them. Every time I go to the bathroom or the kitchen or my bedroom they are immediately at each others throats. And it's just extremely annoying to live with. I have to side with my H even when I don't agree with what he's criticizing my son for or his mode of discipline (ALL day punishment of ALL privileges for something minor like talking back is excessive, as an example) because that's my obligation as his wife. Since he freaked out and went on a scream fest on me about a month back and put a hole in the wall, and we were going to leave but we couldn't do that financially... the waters have calmed and settled, his behavior has been better, but mainly because we're not seeing each other very much and also because he got this GameCube.

He comes home from work and plays on the GameCube and my son watches him and then he goes into the room and turns on an audiobook on the computer and falls asleep to it. We don't talk very much and when we do we keep it light ("how was work?" "fine" , "it's really hot today huh?" etc) and sometimes he makes really cheesy, sexualized comments at me (he'll joke about a line in a movie and use it as a reference to my boobs or something) or grabs my butt and whatever. Most of the time we are together we are watching a movie or ignoring each other some other way. I think he does not see this as a problem, but it is for me. I don't really know where to go from here...

*Has anyone on this forum been in that place where you are just stuck and stagnant in that first year of marriage? And how did you fix it? *


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> *Has anyone on this forum been in that place where you are just stuck and stagnant in that first year of marriage? And how did you fix it? *


Yes, I fixed it by getting a divorce, lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Aren't the first few years supposed to be the worst?? LoL!! I'm also in my first year of marriage, and am finding it incredibly difficult. My husband is also pretty distant and a true master at avoiding... anything! Communication, intimacy... you name it!

Not trying to judge, but I am bothered that he picks fights with your son... and has trouble controlling himself. 

I don't think detaching is the healthy way to go... it may be the easier way... but in the end what are you really accomplishing?? You deserve to be happy, and so does your husband!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You can't have your son in that environment and he should not be punishing your son.

You need to get counseling.


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Aren't the first few years supposed to be the worst?? LoL!! I'm also in my first year of marriage, and am finding it incredibly difficult.


Hmmm nope they are supposed to be the best. Love is there, birds are singing, everything is nice and romantic. When you spent 20 years together those things are gone.
So if you ladies are struggling this much the first freaking year of marriage...then gee, I wonder whats going to happen in 5 years.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I have to side with my H even when I don't agree with what he's criticizing my son for or his mode of discipline (ALL day punishment of ALL privileges for something minor like talking back is excessive, as an example) because that's my obligation as his wife.


WRONG. YOUR obligation is to your SON. You DO NOT side with your husband if you disagree with how he is disciplining YOUR son. Your husband needs to follow your lead when it comes to your child, not the other way around. 

Personally, I wouldn't stay with any of the stuff you describe, especially him telling you that you made your son's father an abuser. That is such a load of crap. 

If you're going to stay, you need to look at how this all affects your son. You need to remember that if your son sees your husband treating you this way and you taking it, your son will grow up to believe this is a normal, healthy relationship and will treat his future girlfriends and wife this way. Is that what you want? Most of all, though, you need to stop defining yourself as your husband's wife and define yourself as your son's mother. Any woman could be your husband's wife, but you are the only one who can be your son's mother; he's the one you have the obligation to. You need to protect and defend him, you need to stand up for him. If you don't, he's going to resent you for it. 

Do you really want to risk having your son turn away from you someday over this man? Do you really want this man to be all you have?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ava,
Clearly this is a guy with major behavioral issues. 

I need to know something though because there is a very common pattern to certain types of behavior. 

What happened during the 12 years you knew him to change your profile to the point where you were interested in him?

Men's profiles don't tend to change. Meaning he was interested in you from day 1. What changed about your profile? Did you really love/desire him, or is he a provider/rescuer? 

His behavior regarding your son. Forcing you to constantly take HIS side, that is the behavior of a man who is insecure. Is he insecure because he is insecure. Or is he that way because it is obvious you don't really love/desire him, but need his financial support?






AvaTara539 said:


> Some of you have read my posts in the past, some of you haven't.
> 
> To place a very short backstory for the latter group- my H and I were friends on/off for 12 years (when we lived in the same city we hung out over coffee and talked basically), when we got together romantically last year we thought it was fate and got married very quickly. Truth to be found, we really don't know each other that well at all and have some MAJOR personality discrepancies. I have a six year old son (before you tsk tsk me for rushing into marriage when I have a child, I've already done that to myself enough, thanks). Anyway I still love him and he still loves me but we are just sitting on our issues at this point. We've done the couples books, the boundaries lists, the parental agreement, talking it out, etc etc.
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BleepingFamily said:


> So if you ladies are struggling this much the first freaking year of marriage...then gee, I wonder whats going to happen in 5 years.


:iagree:

I don't see how ignoring your partner is supposed to make a marriage work.

Super counter-productive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

> The bottom line is he has major issues controlling his emotions and due to my personal history I just cannot handle that well.


Actually no. He has trouble controlling your emotions but it's not for lack of trying. Because of your personal history, you're trying to help him beat you down. You could tune him out, at least until your own issues explode and you stab him to death or something like that. Eventually even a whipped dog will bite.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AvaTara539 said:


> He comes home from work and plays on the GameCube and my son watches him and then he goes into the room and turns on an audiobook on the computer and falls asleep to it. We don't talk very much and when we do we keep it light ("how was work?" "fine" , "it's really hot today huh?" etc) and sometimes he makes really cheesy, sexualized comments at me (he'll joke about a line in a movie and use it as a reference to my boobs or something) or grabs my butt and whatever. Most of the time we are together we are watching a movie or ignoring each other some other way. I think he does not see this as a problem, but it is for me. I don't really know where to go from here...
> 
> *Has anyone on this forum been in that place where you are just stuck and stagnant in that first year of marriage? And how did you fix it? *


That was my marriage for awhile. My H and I were fighting A LOT, bad fights too, but after learning about boundaries I pretty much completely shut him out and treated him like I would treat a coworker. I also hated him for having to do this. I thought he ruined everything and crushed my heart and hopes. I stopped talking about "us" or the relationship because I figured there was no us anymore. It was devastating. I thought I lost everything. 

Since I was not leaving there was one thing I required of him. I told him he had to go to counseling or I would leave. I was also going to counseling so it wasn't like I was saying everything was his fault. That was the only thing I required of him. 

I think this is actually a big part of what saved my marriage. Although I had really strong intense feelings for my H, we did not have a strong foundation at all. We both had A LOT of need and that need drove us both to do things we wouldn't normally do. When I backed off completely and started treating him more like a coworker I (very slowly) realized how rude and disrespectful I had been towards him. I had to start watching what I said because lord knows I wouldn't say some things to a coworker that I had been hurling at my H. I had to be more cautious and careful about what I expected of him. I had to ask myself if I would require that of a coworker (or friend) and usually the answer was no. I not only became much more independent but I was, quite frankly, a lot nicer to him. Over the years we very slowly starting getting closer. We graduated to treating each other like friends and feeling more comfortable sharing intimate things with each other. There was no long discussions, no talking, it just happened. 

I now realize that you have to start with your spouse where you are at. What I mean is even though you have strong feelings for the other person that does not mean you are both ready for all the intimate emotionally or even physical things. If trying to do either of those things causes a lot of fighting you have to back off and go to whatever level stops the fighting. But backing off is NOT the end of the world. Its just a place to start.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Ava,
> Clearly this is a guy with major behavioral issues.
> 
> I need to know something though because there is a very common pattern to certain types of behavior.
> ...


That's a great question (your first one)! I had just "escaped" my son's emotionally abusive father. My H, he had always been someone who was so kind and accepted me just the way I was. In all honesty I would say I married him because he was CALM. In fact it turns out he's not very calm at all, but I had no way of really knowing that because I didn't have a super close friendship with him in all of those years- I just convinced myself I did at the time (I realize now) because I really wanted to be with a man who was smart, funny and nice to me. He was also REALLY good with my son before we got married. Very sweet and patient. A lot of things changed after we married and moved... and, anyway I do take all of the blame for being in this situation where my son's feelings are at risk because I deluded myself and that's why we are here. I should have been smart enough to have a good long relationship before I took the big M leap. But I think I deluded myself because I was so severely traumatized by living with his father... I did see my H as a 'rescuer'. 

Not a provider, in point of fact I have a horrifically painful physical condition and my H has made me get a job anyway, even though he knew when we got married that I was applying for SSDI and cannot work. I don't think he really believes I have it and I don't even bother bringing up the pain anymore. I said ONE thing, since I started this job, "sorry it's kind of hard to stand up right now because I'm so sore" and he quipped back "not any harder than it is for me!". I think in some ways he is just so juvenile. His heart is good, but his behavior isn't always.

As for "is he that way because it is obvious you don't really love/desire him, but need his financial support?". That's kind of an ******* thing to say  I do indeed love and desire him or I wouldn't put up with this **** to be quite frank. I see a great man in him who is more than capable of meeting my expectations, or I wouldn't be so exasperated that he is not. I have always seen him as that person. And I've been on my own financially since I was 16 years old. Since I got this condition, yeah it's been different, but it has nothing to do with why I'm with him. And I have a job now.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> WRONG. YOUR obligation is to your SON. You DO NOT side with your husband if you disagree with how he is disciplining YOUR son. Your husband needs to follow your lead when it comes to your child, not the other way around.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't stay with any of the stuff you describe, especially him telling you that you made your son's father an abuser. That is such a load of crap.
> 
> ...


We talk about it and if he does something I disagree with I will tell him. We even came up with a parental agreement together (which he doesn't always follow). But directly in front of my son I think it's inappropriate to question his actions, that should be a private thing between us.

What he said about my son's father was definitely a total load of crap! Not going to disagree with you there. 

For me what would be the dealbreaker in our relationship is if he can't learn to cohabitate better with my son, because he IS the #1 person in my life. I just don't know how to... fix it.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Actually no. He has trouble controlling your emotions but it's not for lack of trying. Because of your personal history, you're trying to help him beat you down. You could tune him out, at least until your own issues explode and you stab him to death or something like that. Eventually even a whipped dog will bite.


LOL oh my gosh no I'm a total pacifist. I don't even raise my voice at my husband let alone have fantasies about stabbing him. I asked him to do an expectations and weaknesses list, like I did, and it took him almost 3 weeks but he eventually got it done. Next we need to compare and discuss. I am calling him out when he does not follow the parental agreement and have even left the house for short periods when he's broken my boundaries. But he does know that if things don't change this isn't a marriage I'm going to stay in forever, and I am certainly not going to allow him to beat me down, let alone ASSIST him in the process. I just have this weird feeling that he's got this GameCube in order to have something, anything to have in common with my son where they can have some calm time together. And also as a way to get away from me when he needs 'him' time. We don't even sleep in the same room anymore because it's so hot here he has to sleep in the living room next to the air conditioner... at least that's his reason for it. 

I agree we have a lot of work to do and we need to see a counselor. Now that I've gotten a job we can start doing that in a couple of weeks (first paycheck). For now though, y'know it's like the dust just never 100% settled after the big blow out he had before...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

BleepingFamily said:


> Hmmm nope they are supposed to be the best. Love is there, birds are singing, everything is nice and romantic. When you spent 20 years together those things are gone.
> So if you ladies are struggling this much the first freaking year of marriage...then gee, I wonder whats going to happen in 5 years.



Perhaps they can be said to be the worst because you're getting to know what it's like living with someone for the first time... and the best because not too many resentments have been formed yet? (In my case things are difficult due to poor communication skills and comprehension at times... We're learning what works and what doesn't... and of course we're testing boundaries...) I imagine in five years will have the majority of those kinks ironed out.

To the OP: I wanted to ask you how old your son is? (If you mentioned it before I apologize)...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> We talk about it and if he does something I disagree with I will tell him. We even came up with a parental agreement together (which he doesn't always follow). But directly in front of my son I think it's inappropriate to question his actions, that should be a private thing between us.


I can see your point. At the same time, though, consider this: He does something you disagree with, you side with him in front of your son and in private tell him you disagree. Now he knows you disagree...but what has your son just seen? He's seen your husband do something that is mean/selfish/wrong and you side with him. That's it, that's all he sees. Think about how you would have felt as a child to see your mother take the side of "some guy she married" over you, her own flesh and blood. 

Your son has to know that you have his back. He needs to know that if someone is going to be mean, unfair, cruel, etc., to him that he can count on you to put a stop to it. 

I can see taking your husband to another room to discuss the details of the disagreement; I used to do that with my ex. But I also came back to my child(ren) and talked with them about what happened. Usually I said something along the lines of "X doesn't have kids, so he doesn't really understand how Y should work. I have talked to X and he gets where he went wrong in this situation. Now, you did do Z wrong, and you do need to be disciplined for it. So, this is what's going to happen..." This way, they understood they did something wrong and had to face the consequences, but they also knew that I wasn't going to allow my ex to dish out random, harsh, unfair punishments. 

And if you made up a parenting agreement with your husband, you need to make sure he sticks to it. If he doesn't or can't, then you should consider completely taking away his parenting privileges. And they are privileges - he has no rights. Remember that. You are the only one that has the right to parent your son (and of course, his biological father, as well, if he's around.).


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> I have a six year old son.
> 
> *He says very cruel things to me* sometimes (rarely but even for me every couple of weeks of making statements like "you made your son's father an abuser" is totally unacceptable) and is dismissive of my concerns about anything.
> 
> ...


This is really upsetting to me. Your husband screaming at you, putting a fist through a wall, criticizing your son, saying cruel things to you, using harsh and inappropriate discipline? Do you not see this for what it is? Your obligation as a WIFE? You and your son are in an abusive situation, your obligation right now is as a MOTHER. If you can't see this clearly, please check out this link as see how many of these apply to your son.

For years I couldn't figure out why I was so angry at my mom, even though she's the sweetest person I know. It's because she watched me suffer emotional abuse for years and_ never removed me from the situation._ And she allowed herself to be emotionally abused. I had to watch it all. I was your son. 

Protect your son. Please. Be what he needs.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

If he's WRONG about your son, then you don't take his part. The kid needs to know when he's mistaken and also to know when he's not, he shouldn't be punished, just because an adult is messing up.

If you don't feel safe and loved, prepare to leave. it's not a life. yes, the first months of being together ARE hard because you need to adjust to having someone all day long with you. We're not married, but have lived together for the past year and yes, it's been interesting sometimes.

But I am not talking yelling and punching walls. I am talking discussing who's gonna take the garbage out and why he's not folding his clothing, which he actually started doing 

Overall, even if we're both pretty 'individualistic' people, we did find it easy to live together. On top of it all WE LOVE EACH OTHER and are great partners too. If you don't have this, but only fear and resentment, then it's better to be a single mom than put your kid through all this mess.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> LOL oh my gosh no I'm a total pacifist.
> 
> I agree we have a lot of work to do and we need to see a counselor. Now that I've gotten a job we can start doing that in a couple of weeks (first paycheck). For now though, y'know it's like the dust just never 100% settled after the big blow out he had before...


Just remember he's not your son. You can't mother him to health. You'll wind up an alcoholic doormat if you try.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> I can see your point. At the same time, though, consider this: He does something you disagree with, you side with him in front of your son and in private tell him you disagree. Now he knows you disagree...but what has your son just seen? He's seen your husband do something that is mean/selfish/wrong and you side with him. That's it, that's all he sees. Think about how you would have felt as a child to see your mother take the side of "some guy she married" over you, her own flesh and blood.
> 
> Your son has to know that you have his back. He needs to know that if someone is going to be mean, unfair, cruel, etc., to him that he can count on you to put a stop to it.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you, I feel very stuck between the two when my son should always come first. Previously in this forum when I admitted I corrected my husbands behavior towards my son on two incidents I was completely reamed by about a dozen people for it, what a bad wife I was for doing that, etcetera. But it puts me in a very unfair position to have to choose my husband over my son and to do the WRONG thing. 

It's an interesting concept suspending parenting privileges. We work opposite shifts so he has to watch my son during the day (at least until school starts in a few weeks) while I sleep so I can't do that immediately but it is something I will have to discuss with him for the future. I don't think he will like it too much but it may be necessary. Thank you for your input.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

dojo said:


> If he's WRONG about your son, then you don't take his part. The kid needs to know when he's mistaken and also to know when he's not, he shouldn't be punished, just because an adult is messing up.
> 
> If you don't feel safe and loved, prepare to leave. it's not a life. yes, the first months of being together ARE hard because you need to adjust to having someone all day long with you. We're not married, but have lived together for the past year and yes, it's been interesting sometimes.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

An update: hoping to start marriage therapy sessions after next week once a week.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I wish you the best!!!


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> *Has anyone on this forum been in that place where you are just stuck and stagnant in that first year of marriage? And how did you fix it? *



This is not a case of normal first year marriage problems, you are not stuck and stagnant. You are married to a verbal/emotional abuser. You can't fix that. You can't change him. Only he can change, but first he has to admit that he has a problem. And good luck with ever getting him to admit he has a problem

You not only allow him to abuse you, but you allow him to abuse your son! That is totally unacceptable. You are _*not*_ obligated to take your husband's part when he and your son have a disagreement. He is your son, your first obligation is to him. In fact with you being the natural parent you should be the one taking the lead in dealing with your son. You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!! _My husband is my daughter's natural father, but if I had ever walked in when she was only six years old and found him yelling at her and treating her badly then his butt would have been out the door_. I would certainly never let anyone else mistreat her. 


And one last question, how did you get so financially dependent on him in less than a year that your can't afford to leave? How were you supporting yourself and your son before you married?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> WRONG. YOUR obligation is to your SON. You DO NOT side with your husband if you disagree with how he is disciplining YOUR son. Your husband needs to follow your lead when it comes to your child, not the other way around.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't stay with any of the stuff you describe, especially him telling you that you made your son's father an abuser. That is such a load of crap.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> This is not a case of normal first year marriage problems, you are not stuck and stagnant. You are married to a verbal/emotional abuser. You can't fix that. You can't change him. Only he can change, but first he has to admit that he has a problem. And good luck with ever getting him to admit he has a problem
> 
> You not only allow him to abuse you, but you allow him to abuse your son! That is totally unacceptable. You are _*not*_ obligated to take your husband's part when he and your son have a disagreement. He is your son, your first obligation is to him. In fact with you being the natural parent you should be the one taking the lead in dealing with your son. You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!! _My husband is my daughter's natural father, but if I had ever walked in when she was only six years old and found him yelling at her and treating her badly then his butt would have been out the door_. I would certainly never let anyone else mistreat her.
> 
> ...


Okay, first of all: I GET YOUR POINT.

Second of all: "You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!!" who the f*ck ever said I did that? You need to be more respectful when you are conversing with me, my son is always my #1 priority and I am still the PRIMARY parent in the household. So get that straight. 

I think the word "abuse" gets bandied about a lot, similar to the word "hate", people just say it like it does not mean anything when it is a very powerful word with very powerful implications.

I have been nothing but on his tail whenever he has had behavior with my son that I disagree with. Where I am at now is deciding whether or not to stay married. It is not an uncomplicated thing. My son is attached to him, and I am attached to him. The financial situation is also complicated. And I want to give him the opportunity to do the right thing so we can save our marriage. That's what I came on here looking for advice about. We're kind of stuck and not communicating because of these differences and how can we make it better? 

I respect that people might say "hey you need to leave this guy, even that one incident where he was yelling and put a hole in the wall was enough to justify that", but you are not in my shoes. I don't just run at the first sign of trouble. I love my son and I will leave if things do not change- but we've been married 3 months, and as you said, he is NOT USED to being around children, so don't I owe it to him to give him *some time* to adapt to that?

It's a damn hard position to be stuck in and I'm doing the best I can with it.

Anyway think more carefully before you throw around words like abuse because they hurt. Every day I am in pain wondering whether I am doing the right thing or how I could leave if I needed to. You're kind of like that guy yelling "jump!" at the person standing on the ledge, *and it doesn't help.*

I'm looking for constructive advice, not an attack. You can tell me you think it's in my and my child's best interest to leave without accusing me of allowing my son to be abused, which I honestly don't think I am doing. 

Anyway we have a therapy session scheduled for the week after next (we get paid this friday so it will be after that) to discuss whether this marriage is going to work. But do not assume that I have done nothing, I have reprimanded him, I have set boundaries and enforced them (agreeably not that it helps much), and now I am requiring marital therapy. I think the idea of suspending parental privileges is a solid one. The next step after this if it does not help would be to leave. 

So thanks for your advice/attack.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> Okay, first of all: I GET YOUR POINT.
> 
> Second of all: "You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!!" who the f*ck ever said I did that? You need to be more respectful when you are conversing with me, my son is always my #1 priority and I am still the PRIMARY parent in the household. So get that straight.
> 
> ...



I don't understand why you feel so attacked by that post. I don't think assumptions were made, comments were made based on your initial post. Again, just wondered what made you feel so attacked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I don't understand why you feel so attacked by that post. I don't think assumptions were made, comments were made based on your initial post. Again, just wondered what made you feel so attacked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll explain. The statement "You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!!" as well as that I allow my son to be ABUSED are both highly assumptive and also very personally cruel things to say to someone. #1 she doesn't have all of the facts of the situation to say I just married this guy and handed my kid over to him, and frankly it's kind of a jerk thing to make that assumption without getting more details, and secondly to throw around the word abuse and accuse a mother of allowing her child to be abused is a VERY serious accusation. 

If someone had said that to you in person, that you were allowing your child to be abused, and this was untrue, how would that make you feel? Just because "this is the internet" doesn't mean words like abuse are not powerful.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

adding my two cents to an already really long thread and much advice...i agree with some others here that your son needs to know that you have his back..its different from a situation in my opinion where this man is the father of your son and the only father he's ever known...actually since i think he is acting in abusive ways around your son, even if he was the real father, you still need to stand up for your son...punching holes in walls and regressing to act like a 6 yr old and fighting with your son is something he needs to be protected from so its good your going to counseling..but if he continues to act out in such agressive ways, i would consider leaving with your son in order to protect him from all this,with the condition of continuing counseling


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> Okay, first of all: I GET YOUR POINT.
> 
> Second of all: "You don't marry someone who doesn't have experience raising kids and just turn your child over to them!!!" who the f*ck ever said I did that? You need to be more respectful when you are conversing with me, my son is always my #1 priority and I am still the PRIMARY parent in the household. So get that straight.


I'm sorry I offended you, but I can only go by what you have posted in this thread so far. As far as why I think you have allowed your husband to take over with your son it is because you made statement such as. . .

'I have to side with my H even when I don't agree with what he's criticizing my son for or his mode of discipline (ALL day punishment of ALL privileges for something minor like talking back is excessive, as an example) because that's my obligation as his wife.'



AvaTara539 said:


> I think the word "abuse" gets bandied about a lot, similar to the word "hate", people just say it like it does not mean anything when it is a very powerful word with very powerful implications.


I don't think I bandied the word abuse around. The situation you described is abusive. You might want to do some research on verbal and emotional abuse on the internet. The way you describe your husband surely seems to fit the description. Here are some of your own statement that signal abuse and are major red flags. 


'The bottom line is he has major issues controlling his emotions'

"He says very cruel things to me sometimes" 

'is dismissive of my concerns about anything.'' (major red flag)

'He is constantly picking fights with my son and acting HIS age'

"Since he freaked out and went on a scream fest on me about a month back and put a hole in the wall,"

"A lot of things changed after we married and moved." (Abusers are usually on their best behavior before marriage, they don't show their true colors until after the marriage)

'in point of fact I have a horrifically painful physical condition and my H has made me get a job anyway,' (this certainly sounds abusive to me)

'I said ONE thing, since I started this job, "sorry it's kind of hard to stand up right now because I'm so sore" and he quipped back "not any harder than it is for me!"' (classic abuser, you never have things as bad as they do, and this is totally dismissive of your feelings)

Those are not examples of lack of communication, those are classic red flags of an abusive personality. 




AvaTara539 said:


> That's what I came on here looking for advice about. We're kind of stuck and not communicating because of these differences and how can we make it better?


But the problems you described were not simply lack of communicating. The problems you describe are abusive. Looking at the other posts it seems I am not the only one who arrived at this conclusion. 



AvaTara539 said:


> I respect that people might say "hey you need to leave this guy, even that one incident where he was yelling and put a hole in the wall was enough to justify that", but you are not in my shoes. I don't just run at the first sign of trouble. I love my son and I will leave if things do not change- but we've been married 3 months, and as you said, he is NOT USED to being around children, so don't I owe it to him to give him *some time* to adapt to that?


Not being use to being around children is no excuse for mistreating one and _constantly picking facts and acting the child's age_ - those are your words. 

I'm not sure why you feel attacked by my post specifically when so many other posters seemed to have the same opinion. I have also looked back over your previous threads and you have posted many things on this forum that describe an abusive relationship. I also see a lot of other people have told you that your husband is abusive and you should leave. I can only assume that something in my post struck a nerve. I also see that you have already stated a new tread about your parenting agreement in which you make statements such as 

'Lo and behold, since we have made this agreement... he has not followed it. And I'm not talking about breaking one of the items every once in a while, I'm talking consistently throughout each day.'

'my H is always picking at him. He makes up rules that we don't actually have, for example '

'my H is shutting the door, which terrifies my son because he is scared of the dark. And he has been putting him in time out for basically no reason. Definitely nothing that's on our rules. "He made a mean face at me", "he didn't put his toys away the first time I asked him", whatever.' (did your husband already know that your son was scared of the dark?, btw this just sounds like your husband is being a big bully to your son)

"When I brought it up to him that "you really shouldn't be asleep when he is awake, we agreed on that", he quipped back that "it's not like I fell asleep on purpose!". He never takes responsibility for anything when he breaks a rule" (never taking responsibility is a major red flag of an abuser)

Anyway, this will be the last reply I make to any of you posts. I certainly don't respond to people who don't want my response. I am glad you are starting counseling. So I will just wish you good luck in the future.


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

BleepingFamily said:


> if you ladies are struggling this much the first freaking year of marriage...then gee, I wonder whats going to happen in 5 years.


domestic ufc


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## Kazmc (Oct 19, 2011)

Your flesh and blood is your Son, don't put him through this, your H sounds like a timebomb you deserve so much more and so does your son. He will NOT change. I had one just the same I ended it in the end for my son and myself.


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## shawn14 (Nov 1, 2011)

To make your marriage successful, don’t let the small things get in the way and turn into big issues. Don’t make major decisions without consulting your partner. Large purchases, kids schooling and upbringing, job/career plans etc should all be discussed so as neither partner starts to feel dominated and having their decisions duped or ignored. Go to occasional couple’s retreats, get away together from time to time and see a marriage counselor (there’s no stigma attached. it’s for healthy couples too not just for failing marriages) Get your marriage maintained with the help of a professional before you need it as a repair method. A little bit of quality time spent together each day can be highly useful time for each other when you talk and play together. You will not be able to change your partner so you might as well not try. That way, you will avoid a lot of headaches on both sides. Trying to change your partner will give them the idea that they are not wanted ‘as is’.

marriage counselor NYC


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