# Sent the wife this letter. I actually mean it and love myself for it



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

My dearest [her name],

Through much self reflection, reading, observing, crying, thinking, spirituality and professional therapy, I have come to the most convincing explanation for the purpose of this lifetime I'm living as [my name].

The conscious powerful being you call "God" (I haven't found a proper name for it in my head) has provided me with the strength and mental capacity to love the universe to the point of being one with it. I find myself coming back to the feeling of unconditional love for you. 

I was asleep for the major part of my life not knowing why I felt the way I felt about you. It's not your unquestionable beauty. It's not your Godly innocent eyes. It's not your sexually orgasmic voice. It's not your subtle yet profound kindness. It's the divinely created whole package I'm meant to worship as my [her name]. I was born to be this and am thankful for it.

You are here to allow me to love unconditionally. You are my key to understanding this universe and its creator as much as I'm meant to do in this lifetime. By dissolving myself in your love I find myself in great comfort. A comfort I took for granted and allowed your trust in my unconditional love to fall. 

Shame on me.

I'm on a mission. A mission which will transform my understanding of my true self to higher levels, ultimately allowing me to convince you that I truly do love you unconditionally for as long as I live regardless of which path life may take us on as individuals or a pair.

I cannot forgive myself for allowing you to feel the mistrust in my love, but I hope you spare enough of your kindness to forgive me. 

From this day on, I have one reason to live. Only one: To gain back your trust by loving you more and more.

I expect nothing in return. nothing.

This is not an emotional letter. I have had no drinks, no dreams, no drugs, no stimulant of any kind. I write this letter with utter comfort while smiling from the bottom of my heart. I wish I knew words that would better express my true feelings, but I know my actions will speak the words I want to say.

Do what you have to do to heal your wounds. Your happiness and comfort will be my prize no matter what sacrifices I become required to make. My ultimate asset is my consciousness/soul. I will gladly give up life if it results in the slightest amount of progress in your happiness. Right now I find more purpose in living for you than dying for you. I know because I have felt it but failed to understand it.

I love you more than ever,

[my name]


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did she respond to the letter?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

No response yet as I just wrote it up and sent it. I feel so good. I'm not expecting a reply. I really hope she doesn't respond because I'm sure it will have a somewhat indifferent or casual tone to it and may temporarily sway me towards discomfort (only temporarily).

I really do believe in what I said. I have not cheated on her (the letter might sound like I did!). I feel like I cheated on myself by allowing all these feelings to sit and eat dust through laziness.

Tonight, I found out that it's possible to truly love someone unconditionally even if it hurts. Hurt can easily be deflected via more love. I've experienced this first hand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's an intense letter. Quite an expression of love. 

I think that most people get lazy in love. That's why we have so many divorces.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

How long have you been in professional therapy?
Are you continuing with it?
And did you discuss this letter with your therapist, or will you?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

No response and that's what I was hoping. No response is better than a cold response which she's into these days anyway.

Homemaker, I've been getting professional therapy for months (in person and online) and yes I will discuss this with my therapist in our next session on Thursday. 

Why do I get the feeling you're hinting at me being mentally unstable for writing this? I just sense it because that's exactly how I felt about myself when I decided to write that stuff but one day later and having gone through the daily emotional roller coaster, the only thing I truly enjoyed thinking about was having had the courage to finally express myself in the truest form.

I know parts of the letter sound unrealistic and out of this world. I understand there may be moments when I feel like a loser for forgoing my pride and calling her the reason of my existence regardless of her actions, but I also know that I have always wanted to make her happy without expecting anything in return. I just didn't have the courage to admit to myself that I was that much in love.

I find it a huge relief. It's like I have finally come clean with my own true feelings. She will most likely break my heart (the prideful part of the heart) over and over, but my gut feeling tells me true love will prevail one way or another.

I get a lot more from giving love than getting it. It sounds very awkward (even to myself) but that's how I feel and it's not a bad feeling at all. It's actually full of joy.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Good job. I've sent a few of these myself. No response of course but, like you, I have no idea what that means. 

You just have to stay strong. It's been a month since she contacted me. I go up and down, back and forth, but stay strong.

Have you read Hope for the Separated?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Synthetic,
I think it is great you are seeing a therapist. 

And yes I do think you need help. And the main reason for that is your behavior is likely to drive almost any woman away quickly and permanently. 

Find something you are good at - work - a hobby - etc. and focus your energy on that. And keep seeing your therapist. 




synthetic said:


> No response and that's what I was hoping. No response is better than a cold response which she's into these days anyway.
> 
> Homemaker, I've been getting professional therapy for months (in person and online) and yes I will discuss this with my therapist in our next session on Thursday.
> 
> ...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thing1, thanks. I haven't read that. I read some comments about it and it sounds like a book for the religious. I'm not religious at all. Do you still recommend it?

How long have you been separated?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was only asking and agree with MEM11363 about the letter being likely to drive her further away, given your history with her. I asked questions because I had questions. I'm a curious person and like I said your situation seems similar to my H so I wanted to learn from it and you are fairly open with what you're going through. Thanks for answering!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She wanted to see me after this letter and a couple of other letters.

I was anticipating the worst. Well...

We talked, cried, drank, ate and kissed. I think I have fallen in love for the first time in my life. This is more than I could have wished for.

My work has just begun. Life is beautiful for now. Tomorrow is another day. We're still separated.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

*letter #2:*

My dearest [her name],


Further cleansing my awakened soul, here are some words my heart wants me to write for you:


I'm sorry I didn't pay you due respect and attention in others' presence. You are the glory of my life, yet I stupidly let my toxic pride win over my true feelings. I failed to show the world how badly I desired your arms in mine. How crazy i felt with every public kiss and how proud I felt to be the person others associated with you as your husband. I was not being myself. I'm very regretful.

I'm sorry I failed to draw a proper line between my parents' lives and ours. I didn't know how to deal with the mental trauma and my obligations as a son. Everything got mixed up. I simply couldn't accept my insecurities and resorted to being defensive every time you made a comment. I regret my hot-headed reactions. You did what you could. I was too hurt by my parents' dysfunctional relationship to admit my weaknesses. I'm sorry. I now know how wrong my approach was and have come to terms with reality. It still hurts when i look back but looking ahead gives me hope.

I'm sorry I neglected your emotional needs while sitting behind a monitor escaping reality. The reality of your body warmth. The taste of your lips and the scent of your skin. I simply didn't know who i really was. I wasn't born yet. I was a shadow of my true self living in the false protection of toxic pride. My pride is my love for you. I can give up everything else with relative ease.

I'm sorry i made you worried about our future by constantly nagging about my job and life in this country. I now understand that i was simply depressed and passing a phase, yet I didn't do enough to deal with my true feelings and ultimately made you feel uncertain about our destiny. Forgive me for not realizing how i made you feel. I was mean and uncaring. I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't help around the home at all. I deserve 4 years of hard labor for my laziness. I can never live like that again. My awakened mind won't let me.

I'm sorry I hurt you in Cuba when I took my ring off to go downstairs. It was a stupid childish mistake. I don't even know why it happened but during my awakening a voice told me to apologize for this idiotic mistake too.

I'm truly sorry. 

A divine force in the form of helplessness has allowed me to shed my insecurities and toxic pride in order to lighten the pain I'm suffering. I feel so strong and free. It's the most wonderful thing I have experienced in life. I'm swimming in a pool of love and hope. 

Love you more than ever

[my name]


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

*Letter #3*

My beautiful [her name],

The reason I write you is to let you know that I'm delighted by your honesty about your feelings towards my parents. I'm certain your kind heart had a hard time expressing negative feelings as a rule of respect for me. I appreciate every tear that came off your face while telling me a little bit about your true feelings. The tears mean a lot to me and your hesitation to speak did not go unnoticed. I understand how hard it must have been for you to keep these thoughts to yourself for years. I love and thank you for not wanting to hurt my feelings.

I wish you had not been so reserved about your true feelings all this time. I wish my behavior had been different so you would feel more welcomed to talk. I regretfully accept my role in creating this wall of disconnect and apologize for neglecting your hidden feelings. 

As your husband, I should have observed the situation more carefully and acted upon it with more urgency. I still wish you had been more comfortable with me.

You are the love and purpose of my life. Please don't ever forget that, and never allow anything, and I mean anything, no matter how difficult to converse about, to build up inside your beautiful heart. I'm here to listen to your words, absorb any possible pain, and deal with the challenge. That's what my responsibility is and I wholeheartedly desire your trust in me. I can now gladly claim that I hold no reservation when it comes to protecting my true sources of joy. Loving you every minute of the day is my truest source of joy and I will forcefully protect it for eternity even if it requires me to step on boundaries I have not stepped on. Have no doubt.

I would also like to apologize for my reactionary behavior over the years when it came to sensitive matters. My biggest insecurities are now fully cleared off my chest and as I told you I feel much more receptive towards everything. 

I hope I have taken a positive step in gaining your faded trust in my sincerity. I hope you don't believe in forces that may sway you towards mistrusting me. 

I'm all yours. 

[my name]


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Tonight she came over to *our home*.

I had the whole place candled up (many candles). It was beautiful and super romantic. Wine was good too.

We talked a lot. She's shutting down but still feels for me. She's absolutely shocked by the changes in me and doesn't believe that I could have had an epiphany. 

I was loving, affectionate and mostly *myself*. She liked it but didn't want to believe it one bit.

I let her know that although I unconditionally love her forever, our marriage was still in trouble and she could help matters by not allowing her doubts to grow.

We had sex. I couldn't deliver my best because I was nervous as F***

She cried and told me she never stopped loving me but she still couldn't imagine going back to the old ways.

I comforted her and told her to do whatever was necessary to heal her wounds.

She said she feels terrible for possibly using me for sex when she's not ready to commit again. I didn't have much to say to her on that one.

She left as confused as ever.

I'm in love, but I don't know if she is.

She will most likely break my heart.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I was just looking through Pathfinder's thread. His path to reconciliation may not be the same as yours, but I thought I'd copy and paste this.



Pathfinder said:


> My point is that I have to maintain the standard, maintain the change even if she stays the same. She still tries to test me and push me to search for those cracks and that is welcomed now because every time this happens it is my opportunity to demonstrate the change without having to advertise it.
> 
> So slowly but surely she is learning to accept this NEW man in her life but this is a process and we all have to understand that although WE have made these massive changes in ourselves, others around us may not notice and will continue to paint us with the same old brush. I earned that and so I accept I must earn a new reputation.
> 
> Just be patient. Time is a great at revealing the truth. Your key to showing her you have changed is to consistently rise to those test day after day and demonstrate the NEW you and then more importantly to survive the post match interview ( i.e. don't go running around with a checklist of all the good you have done to validate yourself ) Your actions will speak much more loudly than you think and believe me woman notice EVERY detail!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thank you dymo. that's inspiring and very true.

I can't give up. I have lots of regrets. Those regrets are haunting me like a plague. I don't know how to overcome the regret, but I know I need to look forward and hope for the dots to somehow connect.

The power of love will prevail. I keep coming back to taking comfort in the power of love. It's just too damn powerful and I thank God that I have a lot of it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

we have reconciled. for real. she is in my arms in our bed. she moved back with all her stuff. shes crying and telling me she loves me and our deep bond

never doubt the power of pure love. it saved our marriage.

read the letters i sent her and tell the doubters to get a life. love always wins. always

love you all

Im as happy as i could possibly be


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I am so happy for you Synthetic. I hope you keep posting as it will give the rest of us who are hoping to reconcile hope for the future. I am trying to take your advice and continue to love and care for my H but its difficult. I need him to come home and be with me and his family but my hope is fading.

Do you think i should write him a letter and tell him ecerything i am feeling or do you think i should hold back? We still hug and kiss and have affectionate moments, but i dont want to put any pressure on him.

Sorry for hijacking. 
Im very happy for you.


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## 7cities (Nov 3, 2011)

Awesome!! That gives me hope!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

So happy for you synthetic...so nice to hear of a happy ending once in a great rare while...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I am so happy for you Synthetic. I hope you keep posting as it will give the rest of us who are hoping to reconcile hope for the future. I am trying to take your advice and continue to love and care for my H but its difficult. I need him to come home and be with me and his family but my hope is fading.
> 
> Do you think i should write him a letter and tell him ecerything i am feeling or do you think i should hold back? We still hug and kiss and have affectionate moments, but i dont want to put any pressure on him.
> 
> ...


My dear, 

letters are magical. They are a point of reference. They are real. They can't be forgotten or denied. Write him everything you feel. Everything. He has the right to know everything you feel about him. In due time you will also know how he feels about you. It may not end up saving your marriage, but it's amazing how negative thoughts can badly distort our perception of others' feelings. 



7cities said:


> Awesome!! That gives me hope!


Never lose hope my man. Things always change. Read my posts from a month ago till today. Look what a roller coaster I've been on. Hope was the only constant in this journey.



ProfJ said:


> So happy for you synthetic...so nice to hear of a happy ending once in a great rare while...


I did a 180 on the 180. Instead of focusing just on myself to feel good, I focused on myself, my wife and our marriage, but I really focused. It's hard work, but much more rewarding than being selfish and moving on.

Thanks for all the nice posts.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Frankly, I think you were very fortunate. Your wife didn't leave because she was no longer in love with you, she left for her own well-being. She never waited until she was in an EA/PA or had otherwise lost her feelings or buried them deep. 

If she had gotten to that point by the time she left, this could have pushed her further away. Have you ever had somebody tell you they love you when you don't feel the same way? It's scary. 

In your case, it's a gamble that paid off big. But with another couple, it could have backfired badly. It's a move that people probably should weigh up on a case by case basis.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

dymo,

Agree that I was lucky she was not completely done with her feelings. Part of it was thanks to my quick awakening. I could've continued with the 180 stuff and let things ride for another 6 months. 

It's important to act fast and consistently. I didn't call her even once while I was sending her those letters. I didn't beg or plead. I basically wrote her how I felt. She never felt pressured to move back. My only hope was for her to lose her determination in killing her feelings for me. That's what they set out to do when they decide to check out. They go through a period of sabotaging their own attachment. It's very important to counter that effort with unquestionable love.

Again, I agree I got lucky, but damn did I have to work hard to get luck on my side!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Life is so beautiful these days.

We can't wait to get home to each other. We have had sex 5 times in 48 hours and boy were they good (she says the same!).

I find more reasons to love her every minute.

We have spent hours and hours just talking without having a TV or computer on. It feels so nice to be able to talk to each other without any reservation. The touching, cuddling, poking and kissing is abundant and very pleasant. We've never been so intimate. We both know there will be tough days ahead but have decided to enjoy every minute of what we've got going and make it last as long as possible.

I can't get enough of her and feel horny the whole time. I miss her when I'm at work. Where the hell were all these feelings over the past decade? We both ask the same question.

She's still grieving her brother's death and is in depression. Every few hours she suddenly deflates and I know it's time to let her feel the loss. I used to think it's better for me to hold her and comfort her, but now I've figured it's better to let her feel the sadness and get back into normal on her own while she feels my presence at home. I've asked her to let me know if I should do or say something when she's feeling sad. 

I have let her know that I have been aware of the con-artist she was paying for "spiritual therapy" and how he almost destroyed our marriage. She was shocked but relieved that I know. She agreed it was a very bad idea to seek guidance on her personal life from a destructive force like that con-artist. I've declared unconditional love for her, but told her that our marriage will not survive unless we both stop seeking happiness and contentment from outside sources.

Despite all the ups and downs, our marriage remains clean of infidelity which is a blessing.

I love my wife/life (same thing!)


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

This is a great thread.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Thing1, thanks. I haven't read that. I read some comments about it and it sounds like a book for the religious. I'm not religious at all. Do you still recommend it?
> 
> How long have you been separated?


Sorry for the late response.

There are religious parts in the book but honestly you can skip over those, there is so much more good stuff in there than just that. You can also try the same author, Five Love Languages. Less religious and great for troubled and happy couples. 

Separated two months now. Emailed and texted a few times finally, but no calls or in person visits.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

OK, I am amazed I can type through the tears.
Synthetic I am happy for you. Overjoyed.
I am separated from my WAW and wanting to hope against hope.
All this 180 is fine and I am doing it but I also want to say things similar to what you have said. Everyone says "don't do it" etc etc.
I so want to reconcile. I so want love to win.
But she says she does not love me any more, and that's that.
I am not a wreck, but I am profoundly sad and regretful.
Again, I am so happy for you. Miracles to happen I suppose.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

eyesopen said:


> OK, I am amazed I can type through the tears.
> Synthetic I am happy for you. Overjoyed.
> I am separated from my WAW and wanting to hope against hope.
> All this 180 is fine and I am doing it but I also want to say things similar to what you have said. Everyone says "don't do it" etc etc.
> ...


Don't do it. Write the letters, but don't send them. Not now. Not until your wife says she loves you and wants to stay with you forever. 

You will get hurt. A LOT.

My wife left again. Put me through hell and lost the old me in the process. It's all documented in my thread in the private forum.

I let her go. I almost started dating again. She is now back trying to regain what she had before (ME). I don't believe she will succeed, but I could be wrong.

I don't regret sending these letters. It was what I had to do at the time to cleanse my soul. It worked, but only as a stepping-stone for me. I have no guilt or doubts about what I could've and should've done anymore.

She on the other hand... 

Let your wife go. The 180 is not enough. You need to cut contact with her and get yourself ready to socialize with other females as quickly as possible. That's the only way you will establish an emotional balance with your wife and hit her with the bitterness of reality.

DON'T SEND ANYTHING NOW.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Oh, OMG...... :-(


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Synthetic is right on all counts. His thread in the Private forum is incredible. I find myself drawn to it almost every day. I rarely post, but read constantly. He's speaking from experience, and has gained so much wisdom.

Live for you. That's the best advice I think any of us can give. Don't live for your ex/stbx/w/h/whatever. That's the only way you can break their hold.


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## Willie (Jul 30, 2012)

Your previous posts got me so hopeful... but If you don't guard your/her input... you will be forced back into the situation you were in before... If she wants to continue to pollute her mind... you either need to find a way to intervene or accept what you can't control...

I'm dealing with something similar.. walk away wife, with little/no communication. Been working on myself since.. but she doesn't want to face me. I worry what about this guy friend that likes her reinforcing the idea of divorce... and her happiness elsewhere.


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