# My wife slept with one of the grooms men from our wedding.



## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

I just found out that last october when my wife left me for a 6 weeks that she slept with one of my best friends, who was a grooms men in our wedding, 5 times. At the same time she was still come back to our house to have sex with me. A few months after she came back we got pregnant with our first child. She has kept this secret from me for over a year and made me think that she had not done anything. I feel destroyed inside.

The fact that we were each ohters first and only was a huge deal for me.

I hate the fact that she is the mother of my child after finding out that she did this.

I feel disgusting knowing that she had sex with him while still having sex with me.

The guy she cheated on me with just keeps lying to my face about it. 

I cant be around our child because im loosing my mind. All i do is drink and get angry.

We were in the process of getting a divorce when this happened and the only reason i found out was that her parents told me. She wanted the divorce not me.

I cant get the thought of her having sex with him out of my head.

I just keep wondering about how much other stuff she has lied to me about.

I hate my self because i knew she was lying when she came back and i didnt listen to my self.

I keep wondering if my son is really mine. Doesnt matter i still 
love him.

I cant get away from her because of our son. She will always be a part of my life.

I am loosing it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm sorry.

Have a paternity test done on your son. 
So her parents just straight up told you they know she had sex with the groomsmen 5 times? How would they know that? It seems odd her parents would know her sex life. 

Has she openly admitted it to you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It will take you a while to get over this. Since you are getting a divorce it should acutally go a bit easier than if you were trying to repair the marriage.

Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block. Doing as it suggests you will heal quicker.

You might want to run a paternity test on your son so that you know for sure. That way the question can be put to rest and you can assure youself that you are his biologoical father. While you say you love your son you need to get over the not being able to be around him.

YOu also need to stop the drinking. Please see a doctor for some anti-depressents. Yor are most likely suffering from situational depression. The anti-depressents will help take the edge off the anger and depression so that you can handle the things you need to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> The fact that we were each ohters first and only was a huge deal for me.


I understand but to me the cheating is much worse



CJP3212010 said:


> I hate the fact that she is the mother of my child after finding out that she did this.


yes this is abhorrent, in her way she was trapping you if you did find out. For peace of mind you may want to consider a DNA test, as cheaters lie and you have no idea when it really ended.



CJP3212010 said:


> I feel disgusting knowing that she had sex with him while still having sex with me.


been there, for some the wayward doesn't have sex with their spouse during the affair (because the crazy logic is that they are cheating on the affair partner!), however for some like us the opposite is true. Some waywards get into a sexual frenzy and feelings of invincibility thinking they can seduce whomever and whenever they want.



CJP3212010 said:


> The guy she cheated on me with just keeps lying to my face about it.


2 things

1) get him completely out of your life, why are you even confronting him anymore? I sure as heck hope your wife hasn't been in contact with him.
2) don't ever expect the OM to come clean, a small handful will but for the most part they will lie just as much as the WS



CJP3212010 said:


> I cant be around our child because im loosing my mind. All i do is drink and get angry.


STOP DRINKING, this is self medication and is terrible for many reason so obvious I don't even need to go over them. Exercise is a much better self medication and will really make you feel better in the long run.



CJP3212010 said:


> We were in the process of getting a divorce when this happened and the only reason i found out was that her parents told me. She wanted the divorce not me.


so why did you stop the divorce? You should let her go. Is she showing true remorse, is she being transparent, is she remaining no contact with OM and keeping respectful boundaries? Is she no trying to blameshift the affair on you and giving you trickle truth? Are you verifying her actions through spy tech? Has she gotten (and you) an STD test? Are you spending more time together and bonding? If you aren't answering yes to these questions then your R is a false one and will not work and will explain your anger.



CJP3212010 said:


> I cant get the thought of her having sex with him out of my head.


We all get mind movies, try replacing the images with the absurd (morituri made OM a clown)



CJP3212010 said:


> I just keep wondering about how much other stuff she has lied to me about.


Of course you are, this is why you need to be vigilant.



CJP3212010 said:


> I hate my self because i knew she was lying when she came back and i didnt listen to my self.


I did as well, (you can read my story in my link if you desire) but eventually you will come around to realizing that your desire to trust someone you love clouds your judgement and we betrayed spouse have our own fog to work through. You certainly aren't the only one as millions of people do the same thing.



CJP3212010 said:


> I keep wondering if my son is really mine. Doesnt matter i still
> love him.


That's fine to wish to raise him as your own if he isn't yours. A DNA test should be in order.



CJP3212010 said:


> I cant get away from her because of our son. She will always be a part of my life.
> 
> I am loosing it.



of course you can get divorced if you choose it, a happier father is best for his son. See a lawyer for your options and try running the 180



read my newbie link please


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I really think you have to get that paternity test done asap, that nagging inside of you wont go away and the way you interact with your son could be affected. He doesn't deserve that. He's so young and the first couple years of he is a sponge, please get this done. 

I think you can actually get over the counter tests at walmart and many drug stores. Get that out of the way, you dont have to say anything about it to her.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

First, please stop drinking. It will do no good and in fact can be harmful. We tend to do things we wouldnt do when we drink to excess. Trust me on this one. I know. 

Please try to get some individual counseling. 

I know this is hard but you can do it. Hell, if i can do it, ANYBODY can do it, and that is a fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CJP, check you private messages. You will get through this.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Listen to Lon. You will get through it. I promise. Hell, its like 10 am here and im fighting going to the garage and drinking a few beers because i am feeling so sad today. Funny thing is, before this, i didnt even drink. 

This is the hardest thing ever, but you will come out the other end of it stronger than ever. There is a beautiful world waiting for you when you do 


T
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Look, get to a doctor and get some help, has she confessed / admit this to you......if your ex buddy is still denying it I assume not. If legal action has already started you need to talk to your lawyer about paternity - since the child was born in your marriage the law assumes the baby is yours and it takes testing AND a court order to change the husband presumption. Have to move on this because their are very hard timelines, if you wait too long the courts will not even consider the issue.

Not to put this in your head to hurt you, just motivation: Your wife didn't stop having sex with this dude after she came back, your friend fathers the child. Now you get divorce and don't clarify the issue; you divorce and have to start paying child support. She moves and maybe even marries the ex-friend, it comes out you are not the father. Imagine the pain of financially supporting them to raise their child, 18+ years, every month, maybe even having to pay a percentage of medical and daycare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Thank you everybody for your advise and support. It is reassuring to know that you all have made it through things like this. I am prceeding with the divorce, didnt mean to sound like i wasnt. I have been thinking about the paternity test since i found out and have decided to do it. 

When i said that i wouldnt be able to get away from her i meant that she will always be a part of my life and it will take even longer for me to be able to move on. We have had problem after problem our entire relationship and to find out that i she has been lying to me about this kills me. I put every ounce of my self in to this relationship and now other than my son everything is gone.

I love my son more that anything and just want what is best for him. I dont want him to be around her but at the same time she is a good mother.

Thank you lon for the private message, it did help alot.

I do not drink to excess. I sit in my house trying to deal with this. I dont have any close friends and if i tell my family they will make matter worse. I just feel alone and drinking takes the edge off when i cant clear my head. I do not drink on a regular basis and i have never done anything stupid. I know all of this is beside the point and i should stop, you are all rite.

Thank you again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One other thing, and this isn't revenge it's helping others

Tell the circle of friends what the guy did. He is pond scum and should never be trusted in the group again.

Let it be heard widely that he is the kind of guy who would have an affair with a friends wife.

btw - I suspect if you looked deeper, they actually started seeing each other before the break - and that it was her cheating with him that led to the break in the first place and her wanting the divorce.


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Thank you shaggy for the advice. One thing tho, I am the husband and my wife cheated on me. I have already let our friends know what is happening and they are all very supportive of me. Even tho most of them are her friends. No one have tried to justify what she did and all agree that she made the mistakes not me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> Thank you shaggy for the advice. One thing tho, I am the husband and my wife cheated on me. I have already let our friends know what is happening and they are all very supportive of me. Even tho most of them are her friends. No one have tried to justify what she did and all agree that she made the mistakes not me.


I understood that you are the husband. I'm trying to say you need to expose the OM to everyone.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry, you are here. But it sounds like you are headed in the best direction of divorce. 

When you are going through hell, keep walking. It will end.


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

I cant decide if i should tell my family or not about what she did.

Any suggestions?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Exposure is always the best way.....you need to control the message before she does, she is the practiced lier. Do it sooner than later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell more than your family, share with her family, and your mutual friends and if your ex-friend is in a relationship (other than your wife) tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> Thank you shaggy for the advice. One thing tho, I am the husband and my wife cheated on me. I have already let our friends know what is happening and they are all very supportive of me. Even tho most of them are her friends. No one have tried to justify what she did and all agree that she made the mistakes not me.


I found this helped me after my W cheated and left me. Knowing that "our" friends weren't going to stab me in the back too felt good... however over time many of those friends still remain close with her and I get conflicted over my resentment for that. I have since dropped a lot of those friends, or atleast not given them any thought or put in effort in my relationships with them. Through my separation experience so many things change including people whom you consider dear to you, you find out which friends want to be your friends, you learn which ones are not really good for you, and you make new ones.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Expose absolutely. File for divorce, separate finances, protect yourself and your son.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Change your will and beneficiaries where you can.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> I cant get away from her because of our son. She will always be a part of my life.


Been there done that. Yes you can get away from her.

I left my wife after discovering her infidelities. I have 2 sons.

I have adjusted to being an every other weekend dad, and only have to deal with her when its about my boys.

I have told her that the only contact with her I will entertain is when its about them, and its important.

There is a great life waiting for you, you just have to make the move. Leave her to live out her miserable unscrupulous life. With her character, she will continue to make the wrong choices and it will come back to her twofold.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> YOu also need to stop the drinking. Please see a doctor for some anti-depressents. Yor are most likely suffering from situational depression. The anti-depressents will help take the edge off the anger and depression so that you can handle the things you need to.


Listen to this advice. I was once in the same place you are. Drinking myself into oblivion seemed like the only way to make the hurt end. If I had kept it up much longer I wouldn't be here right now. Someone I love and trust convinced me to get professional help. I was prescribed Wellbutrin and it saved my life. It didn't make the pain stop but it kept it from overwhelming me, it made it something I could face without destroying myself.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Is it possible that she knew she became pregnant with the OM and that was the reason that she came back? She and your so-called friend are a real piece of work. You will be much happier in the long run when you get this toxic person out of your life. Good luck.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Look, get to a doctor and get some help, has she confessed / admit this to you......if your ex buddy is still denying it I assume not. If legal action has already started you need to talk to your lawyer about paternity - since the child was born in your marriage the law assumes the baby is yours and it takes testing AND a court order to change the husband presumption. Have to move on this because their are very hard timelines, if you wait too long the courts will not even consider the issue.
> 
> Not to put this in your head to hurt you, just motivation: Your wife didn't stop having sex with this dude after she came back, your friend fathers the child. Now you get divorce and don't clarify the issue; you divorce and have to start paying child support. She moves and maybe even marries the ex-friend, it comes out you are not the father. Imagine the pain of financially supporting them to raise their child, 18+ years, every month, maybe even having to pay a percentage of medical and daycare.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The above is SO important!

Right now you are in trauma. Your emotions are everywhere and nothing else matters to you coz you can't think straight for yourself.

If you have a friend, one you can trust, ask them to go with you to a lawyer. Get the friend to act as a listening ear because you aren't likely able to deal with the hard financials and options.

Happiness and health may not be something you can see right now, or for a long time but in order to deal with this to protect yourself and your son, you need to get medical help as others have said. Ask about a test for your son, or as others have posted, a buy off the shelf kit but, the doctor route is best.

Stop drinking. Your head is already in a state of flux and being in a drunken stupor will make it much worse.

Rally someone and if no-one maybe a good neighbour can keep you on the straight and narrow through this difficult time.

Leave your wife to deal with herself at the moment. You need to sort yourself out. Eitherway, if you are the father or not, what you do now is important to help you so you can help your helpless dependent little one.

You rid yourself of the booze and stand proud drawing on what inner strength you have left and take action to protect both you and the child.

Deal with wifey later. For now it's you and the kid and survival. You need a home and money to ensure both your wellbeing.

Wifey can leave, if necessary. She is the one that caused all this pain by stepping out on both you and the kid.

She is the one to do any heavy lifting.


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I have stopped drinking by my self. We have begun to deal with issues like finances and taking care of our son. I am pushing her as far out of my life as i can get her and my true friends are helping my through this. I still feel everyday like i cant deal with this but it is getting better. I know you all understand what im going through and that it will take time to overcome this. Thank you again.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

One step at a time, 


Have a DNA test, it sounds like you need verification of who the genetic farther is. I hope in your case your son is yours however I suggest you prepare for the worse.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get that DNA paternity test done now. It very affordable, around $100 or so. Can even order online.

When used in legal proceeding, a slightly more expensive procedure is required due to the need to track the chain of handling of the DNA evidence.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with those who insist that you have the PT run. With the doubt already planted, he will NEVER be your son in the back of your mind until paternity is established.
Experience has taught me this.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Paternity test is a good idea, I second [ninth?] the motion.

Also, about telling your family. Once you do, you can't take it back. They will probably never, ever, be able to accept her again. If you are not absolutely determined to divorce, you might want to wait until the results of the test.

So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Stop drinking! Your going to get yourself in a heap of trouble while on a drinking rage. Take up running, it's the perfect stress reliever and so much healthier then a drunken stooper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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