# The end is near but still holding on.....



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

I married a fat woman. I know this is unflattering, but I loved her. She was not the type I usually dated. Over the years, my support and love helped her accomplish many things in her career. She became a 'superstar' in her industry. Then she decided to 'get thin' and had a weight loss related surgery. At this point, she was out earning me by some 20 times. Then, typical of men in the same situation, she began to become cruel, distant and uncaring. She wanted me to take full time care of our child, which I did and without hesitation or resentment, but criticized my ways, my 'home making' (cooking, cleaning, etc.) and pinched every penny. In the mean time, she took advantage of any money that I made, and ran up any credit cards to the max, which were in my name. She began seeing other 'male clients' on weekends and at odd hours. She assured me that she was not cheating, but all the time claimed that we had a 'special relationship' because I was the 'mister mom', and she was the 'wage earner'. She claimed that she had a right to other male friends. She continued to see old flames and FB other men. Finally, she became so emotionally engaged in one of her new clients, a 'pet project' that she took on, that she was buying him clothes, flying to Europe to spend time with him, and buying him other gifts. When I would question, she would always say 'don't be ridiculous, this guy has a girlfriend'. 

Well, the discontent continued, on her part (and mine). We relocated, yet again, in order for her to have a better 'work situation', and at the same time I had to absorb any moving and relocation costs, for, at this time, and because she was such a penny pincher, I had to start a small business just to pay my bills. She finally came to me and said the famous words "I love you but I am not IN love with you". I was confused. I tried to find every meaning of what those words meant, and all over the Internet. No translation, it turns out, is meant for good. 

I found texts and emails to other guys on her cell phone and email, which she refused to allow me access to, but when I suspected something, had to look.....like watching an accident happening. In one text, she protests my 'manhood' to this new 'client'. She claimed that I might be gay. No, sorry, not true. I asked her why she thought this and she only replied "I always thought that you would wind up with another man". I didn't have the heart to tell her that, since her surgery, she had become very cruel and unloving, and that I had to learn how to physically hold this 'new person', and that it was strange to me. She didn't feel the same, physically, sexually or any way, and was mad at me. I had given up sex, at her request, and now she held it against me, as part of the excuse for why I 'might be gay'. 

I was helping her in her business all the time. I was making contacts, developing new leads for her, making deposits, attending events, organizing events, etc., all for no charge, no expectation, and certainly to not be credited for any of the work I had done. I grew to realize that she was a narcissist. Her need for work, power and money, were all part of the original 'weight issue'-that the weight was gone was only an outward sign......now she 'fed' herself with other things. 

In addition to her weight problems, she has always had a serious problem with hoarding. To have 350 pairs of shoes, 200 purses, 400 or 500 outfits, was not unusual. Yet every time I tried to organize or give away stuff she was not hoarding, I was seriously chastised and rebuked. Jewelry became a thing, then guitars, then horses, then cars, then........whatever. Each time I struggled to pay my bills (and I somehow found a way, with God's help), and I saw her bring home a new car or a new trinket, I slipped away so she could not see me weep. I had officially become a wimp!

I started concentrating on my business, and it grew, and she began shoving more and more of the financial obligations on me, as she 'globe trotted', all under the guise of 'developing new projects and clients'. When we talked, I could not get a word in edge-wise, and she constantly over-talked, interrupted or criticized me, in front of her clients, my clients, my friends, her friends, and our child. My own child asked me why I put up with it. How does one undo becoming a wimp? 

We did counseling. The therapist suggested that I was violent and abusive (her side of the story). I could not believe my ears! He suggested that I be on drugs to control my anger and that I needed to 'work on my communication'. The problem is, we were in trouble WAY before communication became an issue. I've found that to be true in every case, by the way. There is no 'communication problem', only a refusal to hear caustic criticism, interruptions, disrespect and outright hatred hurled at me, yet one more time. 

She said that she was sorry for our troubles for she had 'changed' and I had not. It was an issue of compatability-I simply was no longer any 'fun' and just did not 'make enough money' (her words). I asked if we were over, and she said 'I will decide when it's time and when I've had enough'. 

So, she still goes out of town on junkets to promote her new 'client'-sometimes for weeks at a time. I've gotten used to the fact that she usually disappears for the full 3 months of summer, and this summer she met her new 'client' for some 8 weeks in various beautiful, idlyllic settings in the US-places most people would consider 'romantic' but places I wished I could have been. She wouldn't take me, however. This was 'business'. 

Now she's had some indication that she has a life threatening illness-probably cancer. I am a Christian, I have tried to forgive, and ask God to help me forgive her every day, but she doesn't believe the same way I do. Fact is, I became a 'wimp' because I believed what the Bible said about men being the 'heads' of the household, yet she disagreed with anything that the Bible said about being submissive to a man. She sort of picks and chooses her moments to be religious.....if the Scripture fits the occassion, then she believes it is inspired from God.....if not, then 'a man wrote it'. So, rather than argue, I will become that 'man' that God wants me to be. I have turned her over to him. I cannot prove the adultery, though I can the emotional affairs, but I don't believe that's enough to walk away. 

Help me. I am truly being emotionally abused, and I've never beleived that such abuse was possible-it was just a farce that people made up to complain or justify their bad behavior. My men's group, my pastor and spiritual gurus all are confused and don't know what to say or do.......none have seen such a situation. And, now, because of her 'illness', she has become addicted to prescription drugs-all at the behest of her many 'doctors'. 

And I? I am the gold-digging, freeloader, who doesn't know how to run a business or raise a child, who continues to abuse her in my thoughts, which is why she has to speak first and speak the loudest, and why she must cut me off from speaking my mind. She used to chide me for 'harangueing' her, now she criticises me for never 'opening up and speaking my mind'. The abuse? All in her mind......she even accused me of 'yelling at her' when I had lowered my voice to a whisper, so that she could not say that I had intimidated her with a loud voice. Her? She continues to 'gaslight' and deny any suggestion of bad behavior to the therapist. I believe the term 'revisionist history' just about covers the story of our 'incompatibility'. Therapy was not helping.....I had to stop because she only became more beligerent towards me after every session. 

Yet.......there she is.....the perfect model of a mother........the clever business woman, having overcome a 'man's world'.....the life of the party.....the one everyone runs to for advice......perfect! Loved! Rich! Famous! Married to a 'bastard'. 

How unlikely an outcome for me. Through the years, I have been known as the 'big, burly, soft, strong and silent' type. I was a CO-a pacifist. I broke up fights. I got people to come together and agree-a peacemaker. I made more money than most men, but that changed when I decided to be a family man. I gave up my career. I was very well-known for what I did. My true friends and family are completely disbelieving when they see the disconnect and the outrageous behavior which she displays, and are dumbfounded at her accusations. But, I really believe she is dying.......and I can't leave her........nor my child. 

Say a prayer for me, please. Ask God to take away the drugs, alcohol and the other men, before it's too late and she is gone. My child is worth more than ten of me.......and certainly a THOUSAND of her!

I am doing all I can to create a world in which, if worse comes to worse, my child is taken care of. But it's never enough. I am older now, and waited to be married until my career was flourishing. My own time on this planet is questionable.

My child has now started to withdraw and declines to speak to his mother, either on the phone, or by text. When he cries and is hurt, he comes to me. If he needs money, or wants to spend time at a friend's house, he asks me, because he knows she will not take him. She hates that......but she is never there. Not for the school activities, not for the concerts, not for the late night chats. And yet she really beleives that she is a good mother and 'knows him best'. Other mothers. of his good buddies. ask him if he misses his mom (they all know what's going on, and when she's out of town.....she calls all of them to ask them to 'step in' and to 'help out my husband'-perhaps out of guilt or remorse), he tells them 'no-she has her career and does what's important to her'. His heart is growing colder, day by day. A divorce would only destroy him, now. He has learned how to be 'unattached'. Thanks, dear!

Advice, I seek. Please don't flame me.....she does that enough already! If you have an honest opinion or insight, then say it! But don't be cruel, please. I don't need any more lessons on how a human can be cruel to another.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Say a prayer for me, please.


I'm an atheist myself, but if you want some advice on taking your fate in your own hands i can offer that instead, if you want it.


----------



## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I couldn't actually read all of your post, Uncomplicated. Yours is a story that would make me grind my teeth down to the gums in frustration if I knew all the details.

Don't worry about "cruelty" here. What we are, for the most part, is blunt. A bit tactless at times, but the advice you'll get here, for the most part, is constructive criticism.

Now, onto the advice.

Your wife doesn't love or respect you. That much I'm sure of. She's been addicted to male attention since she had her weight-loss surgery, which gave her enormous confidence. Unfortunately, you did _nothing_ to stop her inappropriate behavior once she realized she could use her looks to her advantage. 

Make no mistake, she has been having affairs since she found her confidence. Rather that set boundaries and defend your marriage, you allowed her to disrespect and cuckold you, and you have done _nothing_ to protect yourself and your self-respect. This is the biggest issue in your marriage - your wife has no respect for you, because _you_ have no respect for you. You're obviously very much in love with your wife, so much so that you allow her to walk all over you and cheat on you and insult you to her lovers. 

Unfortunately, this has been going on for so long, and your wife is such a narcissist, that there is little you can do to earn that respect anymore. If you stand up for yourself _now_, she will only be furious and blame you for what your feeling, since you've allowed her to walk all over you for the entirety of your marriage. 

However, divorce is the _only_ thing that you can do to stand up for yourself at this point. You know she is a narcissist. You know she's been cheating. You know your son is falling out of love with her. Clearly, you are not in a healthy marriage. So long as she is carrying on as she is, continuing her affairs and disrespecting you, counseling will be of no help to your marriage. It would be a waste of time and money.

Kids are made of tougher stuff than you give them credit for. If your son is falling out of love for his mother as you describe, I can only see the divorce helping him - it would remove your toxic wife from his life, at least partially, while you can pursue a proper, healthy relationship. One he can properly relate to when he grows older and gets married.

So, stand up for yourself. Get a divorce. Stop making excuses for why you cannot - your happiness and self respect are on the line. Your son's happiness is on the line. Do you really think staying with this evil narcissist of a wife will help him? _Really_? Do you really want most important female role-model in his life to be your _cheating, evil wife_? 

I should hope not.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

When you are ready to give up on everything, that's when you'll start to be strong.

You have been weak for so long, I think you have gotten comfortable with it.

Take that small first step forward now.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Religion has nothing to do with it.

Get an attorney, make a plan and go find happiness for you and your child.

Your wife is nothing but a selfish loser.

Read this:

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I couldn't get through your entire post either - just too damn long. I think it was Lord Mayhem that pointed out that something like 75% of women that get weight reduction surgery leaves their significant other. So it comes as no surprise that your wife is treating you like dirt. She probably felt that when she was fat that she had to settle for you. Now, she's thin and has a great career and you're nothing more than her 'manservant'. 

Unfortunately, she has lost all respect and sexual attraction for you. She wears the pants in the family and she thinks that you'll just sit back and accept things as they are.

Surprise her and file for divorce and make sure you get as much alimony from her as is legally possible. Good luck.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Unfortunately for you, your brand of Christianity isn't the Biblical type. So here's some scripture for you. In these passages from different books, God portrays Himself as a polygynous husband with two wives, Israel and Judah.:


<< Ezekiel 23 >>
This message came to me from the Lord: 2“Son of man, once there were two sisters who were daughters of the same mother. 3They became prostitutes in Egypt. Even as young girls, they allowed men to fondle their breasts. 4The older girl was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. I married them, and they bore me sons and daughters. I am speaking of Samaria and Jerusalem, for Oholah is Samaria and Oholibah is Jerusalem.

5“Then* Oholah lusted after other lovers instead of me, and she gave her love to the Assyrian officers.* 6They were all *attractive young men, captains and commanders dressed in handsome blue, charioteers driving their horses.* 7And so *she prostituted herself with the most desirable men* of Assyria, worshiping their idols and defiling herself. 8For when she left Egypt, she did not leave her spirit of prostitution behind. She was still as lewd as in her youth, when the Egyptians slept with her, fondled her breasts, and used her as a prostitute.

(snip)

11“Yet even though Oholibah saw what had happened to Oholah, her sister, she followed right in her footsteps. And she was even more depraved, *abandoning herself to her lust* and prostitution. 12She fawned over all the Assyrian officers—those captains and commanders in handsome uniforms, those charioteers driving their horses—*all of them attractive young men*. 13I saw the way she was going, defiling herself just like her older sister.

(snip)

20*She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s *and *emissions like those of a horse*. 

Here's what God did about it:

Jeremiah 3:8
"*I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce* and sent her away because of all her adulteries." 

One last scripture for you:
Luke 10:37b "...Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise."


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?

Their ego parallels that of the lowly Walter White now after killing his drug lord boss, Gus Fring on Breaking Bad, pure blind arrogance.

Never dated a fat chick and never will.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

aug said:


> When you are ready to give up on everything, that's when you'll start to be strong.
> 
> You have been weak for so long, I think you have gotten comfortable with it.
> 
> Take that small first step forward now.


 This hit straight to the heart for me...Now that I am ready to give up, I am actually getting stronger.. GOT a job, I have alot ahead of me.. Long road until I am ready to walk, no run away.. But Hey I am taking the steps toward what NEEDS to be done..

The weak in me became weaker day by day just trying to understand, stop, his affair, desperatly trying to save my marriage and family. Wanting so much to feel loved, desired, wanted.. It wore me down to nothing just trying to hold on....

Now day by day IM getting stronger.. SLOWLY but SURLEY getting stronger, tougher more determined to end all the madness. READY TO GIVE UP.. builds somthing in you that you cant explain but you sure feel it, just as strongly as when you were trying to stop the he** the slow weakness you feel... Yeah both are feeling occur, and both are from the A either weak from trying or strong from giving up................


----------



## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

make 2 appointments today my friend 1) to a lawyer 2) therapist

Where were these men when she had her fat suit on? She doesnt think of that. You and your child deserve better.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think frivolous divorce is an epidemic in this country. However, adultery has always been a valid reason for Christians and Jews to divorce and remain in good standing in the Church. But, if you are determined to remain married, then you should separate. Go live on your own with your son and leave your wife behind. She already makes you pay for your own way, so you're prepared.

As for divorce destroying your son, I think you've got it exactly backwards. The reason divorce is hard on children is not because they don't live in the same house as their parents anymore. Your wife is already gone much of the time. It's because the kids stop seeing their parents as trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. They understand that, if Mom can be this cruel to Dad, maybe she can be this cruel to me. And, since I got my genes from Mom, maybe I have this capacity as well. Your son already sees your wife for what she is. A divorce would probably be a relief to him because he could see his father stand up for himself. So far, you've taught him that husbands should be the playthings of their wives. If I were him, I would never get married.

Finally, if you have truly resigned yourself to staying married to this "woman" and living in the same house, then the only advice I have for you is to shut up and take it. Maybe one day you'll be appreciative of the abuse she gives you. Maybe not. But complaining about something that you've already decided not to fix won't be productive.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?
> 
> Their ego parallels that of the lowly Walter White now after killing his drug lord boss, Gus Fring on Breaking Bad, pure blind arrogance.
> 
> Never dated a fat chick and never will.


I never watched Breaking Bad and planned on buying the DVD collection. A spoiler alert would've been nice.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When all is said and done, do you think the Lord will be more concerned about a divorce, or the fact that you didnt protect your son from this person?

Think about.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?


At any given time, I'm physique training several women who are in this category. Every one of these women are in the 40-50 range when they first start training. Typically, they've had some kind of gastric surgery that moves them from a 1 to a 6, then I bring them up to a 8 or 9 (within their age group). A very similar group are the flat girls who have shiny new bolt-on boobies, but the gastric girls are by far the worst. 

There are actually two classes of these women: 

Type I settles for a decent guy who looks beyond her obesity and sees the girl within and she actually falls in love with the guy. Eventually, the inevitable health issues start cropping up and the girl decides to get healthy. At that point, she's getting hit on by so many men, all of them much hotter than H, she's beside herself. She has never had this happen in her life, except in her fantasies, and here it is in real life and she has zero coping skills. Soon, she's riding the c0ck carousel and BH is just the babysitter.

Type II settles for the best guy she can get (remember that song by Pearl Jam?) but is never attracted to him (wine helps) and despises him. Again, once the transformation happens, BH is just gum on her shoe.

No matter the type of woman, once the swinging starts up contempt and resentment of the BH goes to a fever pitch. Later it's just a game to see how much and for how long before he finally cracks.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

jameskimp said:


> No offense to anyone but this story is far too common. Fat and/or ugly ducking marries husband, becomes skinny and attractive and leaves him. Her self esteem shoots through the roof and she becomes so full of pride and arrogance that the husband who chose her when she was fat must be so beneath her! He married a ugly girl because he couldn't get a prettier one so why should I be with him now?
> 
> Their ego parallels that of the lowly Walter White now after killing his drug lord boss, Gus Fring on Breaking Bad, pure blind arrogance.
> 
> Never dated a fat chick and never will.


I've never dated a fat chick, but before I was married I wanted too. And I still find many "fat chicks" very attractive.

I dont think you can lump a group of people into one category based on a handful of obviously deranged people.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I dont think you can lump a group of people into one category based on a handful of obviously deranged people.


Okay. How does 85% sound to you?



Counseling Bariatric Surgery Patients said:


> “If a patient in a long-term marriage was a normal weight when the marriage began,” John Pilcher MD FACS says, “that marriage is probably in pretty good shape to withstand the changes following surgery. If the patient was heavy at the time the marriage or the relationship began, however, there’s an 80% to 85% chance that that relationship is going to break up
> within two years of surgery.
> 
> “It may be that the patient’s partner becomes nervous because the patient becomes more attractive. It may be that there’s an abusive relationship going on, and the patient won’t tolerate it anymore. Or they might just decide that* there are better options out there.”*
> ...


You can also go on weight loss surgery forums and it's mind blowing to see how many of those women say they were never attracted to their BHs. It's all about sex rank.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you ever recommend that they go to therapy to deal with the fat girl still inside them?


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Do you ever recommend that they go to therapy to deal with the fat girl still inside them?


Never.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

uncomplicated said:


> Advice, I seek. Please don't flame me.....she does that enough already! If you have an honest opinion or insight, then say it! But don't be cruel, please. I don't need any more lessons on how a human can be cruel to another.


Uncomplicated, I hope that you at least stuck around to read the advice that was given. Think of this forum as a buffet -- take what you like and leave the rest. However, please realize that you're getting the collective wisdom of betrayed spouses that have experience what you're currently going through.

A lot of this advice might seem counter-intuitive and downright counter productive - BUT THEY WORK. Your way is obviously not working, which is why you came here. No one likes criticism, but don't take it personally because we're just strangers in cyberspace with no vested interest in your plight. We don't get paid to dish out the advice that we're giving -- we just hate to see loyal spouses being taken advantage of the way that we once were.


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Atheist, or not, I appreciate anything that you might have to suggest. Wisdom is wisdom.


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


No, but I will!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You did the horrible thing to your child more than your wife, why? because, for boys their father is their first and biggest role model, the influence of a father in shaping their behavior is very strong. what kind of a role model are you for your kids? What you taught him with your life is, Its ok for him to be without any self respect, dignity, courage and there is nothing wrong in being a cuckold, doormat or a wimp to stay with an abusive cheating wife. 

Do you want him to be in a marriage like yours? if not then show him now that men should have self respect, dignity and dont allow anyone to treat him like a cuckold or doormat, by giving her the D papers without any explanation.

IMO love never means allowing your spouse to walk all over you. Its not love.

Dont interrupt bible in a twisted way to justify your doings. sorry if i was harsh....


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Download NMMNG right away and start reading.

Do you really want to reconcile or have you seen the wisdom of moving on? It's probably going to be impossible to bring your woman back into line after a who knows how many affairs and ONSs. Were you here first?

Either way you need to read NMMNG. A secondary read, in your case, is MMSL and the blog that goes with it.


----------



## gabster555 (Apr 13, 2012)

Uncomplicated, 

The bible is states “men love you wife” and women “respect your husband”.. Ephesians Chapter 5 Verse 22…. Uncomplicated your wife does not respect you as her husband.

I see a lot of your problems in your marriage, with mine. I married a fat women. I loved her for who she was inside. We have been married for 12 years and have 4 children. I don’t know if there is going to be # 13. Three/four years ago my wife had her gastric surgery. Then she had a boob job, a tummy tuck and finally a thigh lift. Her sex ranking passed mine. I gained weight to 225 and lost a tooth....and dropped my sex rank. Another man at a party in a drunken state made a move on my wife and that was then the beginning of an EA and the end of my marriage.

There is a very chance that your wife has had PA while on her trips….she is getting Dopamine kicks from other men wanting her for…..and she wants those kicks…she hot

He is it

If a wife is in charge of the relationship, she doesn’t really respect you as a man, and that’s why sex and the relationship is in such a bad state. If you’re in charge of the relationship, she will respect you and that’s what turns her on.

We are not that much more different from the cave man days… our own body releases hormones and neurochemicals that make us almost uncontrollably romantically fixated to our partner. Our bodies may really be the one running the show.

Over time…since you were not in charge…your wife’s rationalization hamster wheel made up so much mental ball shi* as possible until she can be comfortable with herself to cheat on you and treat you badly…It’s a star trek klingon cloaking device for her conscience.

The bottom line…you have a lower sex raking, you were not in control, not in charge of the marriage…and her sex ranking went up…..she lost attraction for you…and started to get attracted to other men with a higher sex ranking that you. “As long as a husband is attractive to the wife, she will typically bonds to him securely and remain faithful to him” This is not the case in your marriage

While who we have sex with is a choice….who we are attracted to is not a choice…the hormones and neurochemicals decides that. We are deeply and unconsciously influenced by our bodies to even simply be able to experience attraction, so our own body agenda is controlling who we get attracted to.

You wife earns more that you…she has a higher sex ranking that you and she isn’t attracted to you. You lack alpha traits and have been “Betaized”….your marriage is failed or failing.

My solution…. be a man with alpha traits….build your body…..do some form of marital arts…MMA. A man who “does nothing” is very boring to women and they quickly tire of them….stand up to your wife…. Show a display of dominance in marriage…. Without this….eventually the wife starts reduces her sex and respect. Ultimately Nice Guys are just too sexually boring to the average women for her to remain completely focused on one man. 

The Alpha traits are the things about a man that typically create attractions in women. Female attraction is the involuntary response to Alpha Male traits…that is built into the body agenda of a women…its in her DNA as such. Alpha traits sparks a dopamine hormonal response in women and it’s the dopamine that makes them experience the feeling and impulse of attraction. Attraction is not controllable. It almost impossible to underestimate the importance of good physical health and fitness in attracting women.

Women are strongly attracted to socially dominate men….become one….but if she is dominate/leader in the marriage…..she loses attraction to her man.

Leadership and husbandly dominance ideally work on the principle of evoking the desire to follow. If a wife submits, it’s through her own consent and right to do so. For the majority of wife’s…… a husband acting with leadership creates and sustains her sexual attraction to him, which is of ultimate benefit to both people in the relationship.

A man has no option but to better himself constantly… or risk being cast out.

Better yourself to save your marriage and better yourself for yourself.

Divorce is a tool to destabilize the marriage…Why would a wife want to change anything, if she got all that she needs…..power….control…..dominance….money

Read….become stronger my friend….if saving your marriage is your number one propriety 

Read The married mans sex life primer 2011 by Athol Kay


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Very powerful stuff, gabster555. Thank you, and thank all of you.

There are parts of my life where I am beginning to reclaim who I was, and then parts I have not done so. I have been too passive, buying in to the whole 'feminist' thing, afraid to upset, afraid of conflict, and just afraid. I don't know if I can get her back, because I know that, deep in my heart, I will NEVER trust her again.

Yet, I also feel like I would be less of a man to leave her, as she is becomming more ill and her body is beginning to break down under her new lifestyle. I will continue to become 'alpha' again......the money thing......that's a hard one.......SOMEONE has to be at home with our child! She never wanted kids, probably knew she would not be a good mother. Yet, I take responsibility........I missed all the cues, even though we dated for a long time. I don't regret having my son-he's the best thing to ever happen to me. 

For the rest of you (including all atheists), I will forever struggle with the spiritual part. I knew she wasn't on the same plane, as I was. Bingo! My fault #2. I keep trying to make work what does not, and as Einstein said, this is madness. I don't want my son to be raised in madness. If her surgeries go well, and she is better in a month or so, it will be decision time. If not, I will have to assess how far her money can take her through her upcoming health crises, then do the right thing-whatever that is. I will, however, remain forever changed-perhaps a bit scarred, but I am generally a happy human being, who awakes every morning to the new possibilities that the day may hold. I don't think she can ever take that away from me. I will stop complaining. Good advice. Thanks, everyone.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

How old is your son?

Not to be cold-blooded, but have you seen her will?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> How old is your son?
> 
> Not to be cold-blooded, but have you seen her will?


Well, you wouldn't be very Machiavellian if you didn't ask.


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> How old is your son?
> 
> Not to be cold-blooded, but have you seen her will?


My son is 14. No, I have not seen her will, but I imagine that I am not included, from what she's mentioned before.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

uncomplicated said:


> My son is 14. No, I have not seen her will, but I imagine that I am not included, from what she's mentioned before.


You need to talk to a lawyer and found out how the estate will be handled based on which state you reside in. Her wishes may not count for much since you're still husband and wife (adulterous though she may be).

Your son is old enough to know the score and that's unfortunate that this is way he will remember his mother. You might want to get him into therapy. 

Did you do the recommended reading?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You know what to do. Start doing it already.
Hire a PI so you get evidence of the obvious continued adultery life your wile is living for years.
Talk to a shark lawyer and go for full custody.
Get IC.

Sorry man.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Good stuff Machiavelli,
I have also seen similar trends with women whose earnings begin outstrip that of their husbands, especially those who work in corporate environments.

Husband begin to take himself for granted, and she looses respect for him,because he drops in sex rank.
The funny thing about it is that something that these women do it almost unconsciously. They simply loose sexual attraction for a man they see below them in status. So IMO, its up to the man work on himself because his wife is working on herself.

The OP in this case allowed things to slip way too far.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I read your first post, but haven't read the rest of the thread yet. Your situation sounds really toxic. I'm sorry that you two are having such terrible conflict in so many ways. 

I have no useful advice, other than to suggest that prayer (which you alluded to), meditation, and individual counseling (if not couple's counseling), might be helpful to you. Maybe Codependents Anonymous or some similar support group? Or read some books about codependency? If you don't want a way out of the marriage and are just looking for a way to endure, then please make sure you take care of yourself a little; find a hobby or set aside at least an hour a day to do something fulfilling just for you so that you don't just crumble under the strain of all that isn't working.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Co-Dependents Anonymous


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My only advice to victims of abuse is to get out as soon as possible.

On another note, gastic bypass surgery does not make someone become abusive.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

OKay I am sorry but I am a little urked. The bible doesn't say let your wife run all over you. Nor does it say just roll over and take it. You have to stand up for yourself. You have retreated into the word of God and refused to face the situation. If you do not act then you aren't being the head of the house hold. If you just lie down and take it. You aren't being head of the household. Hell if I were you I'd separate finances, cc, house , and anything that you feel in necessary to live. Then cut her off. She makes plenty of money so there is no reason she should be using your CC. You have to man up and stop taking all this crap. LEt her spend her own money on junk all she wants. If she is unwilling to cut ties with any other men then tell her it is either this or D. 
It is time to initiate the 180, to face your problems, become and alpha and lead. If your wife refuses to back down and you aren't happy then leave her. IMO if she is acting this way then she has already divorced you in mind and is using you. She stopped eating real cake and now it's superficial cake. Men, cars, toys, all supported by you. She is a cake eater. someone please post obligatory cake eater poster. 
You are not helping by just shutting down. You are enabling all of this by doing nothing. Jesus didn't just sit back he faced crucifixion and worse. What if jesus just said I am giving it to God and washing my hands of all of mankind. Then our lives would be a lot different today.
(this is not me trying to turn this into a religious rant just trying to help a guy get his mind right. Context people!!!!!) 

Do the 180 , pray, and man up. If you don't you will never be happy or at least to be at peace.


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Did you do the recommended reading?


I did, thank you!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I never watched Breaking Bad and planned on buying the DVD collection. A spoiler alert would've been nice.


Breaking Bad is ojn Net flix.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Download NMMNG right away and start reading.
> 
> Do you really want to reconcile or have you seen the wisdom of moving on? It's probably going to be impossible to bring your woman back into line after a who knows how many affairs and ONSs. Were you here first?
> 
> Either way you need to read NMMNG. A secondary read, in your case, is MMSL and the blog that goes with it.


This needs to be stressed again and again. Normally I recommend Married Man Sex Life first, just make sure you read them both immediately.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her email/texts, facebook/phone for evidence of adultery? Being a Christian is no excuse to put yourself and your son through this.

There is a MAP plan in MMSL to follow in order to become more attractive to your wife. And if not her your next wife.

You are showing your son how to live his life, is this the example of what you want his life to be like. Sins of the father............

Good luck and prayers


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Emerald said:


> On another note, gastic bypass surgery does not make someone become abusive.


True, but it does tend to make them very narcissistic. Sorry to say......and I've met many through the various groups that my wife has met with.


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

Update: After being gone for several weeks at a time, on the road with the OM (a co-worker-how convenient), I finally had enough. I confronted her and said that 'we have two ways to work this out.....you either divorce me, or you admit to the EA and work toward reconciliation, based on my needs this time, not yours. 

I then laid out where I thought we went wrong, how after the big surgery, she became so obsessed with attention from others (men, in particular), that she only further delved into her self-infatuation, and that everything that she did that her therapists told her to do, actually worked to alienate me even more. She has always had a weight problem, she has always had a 'hoarding' problem. Those are both psychological conditions that were not MINE, but hers, and that I had to deal with. 

I discussed terms of divorce, as well as what that would mean, financially, to her, and she was not happy. 

So, I finally stuck up for myself, and it was terrible. But there is no going back now. Some of my close friends told me to stay wary......that now that I've 'fired a shot across the bow', that she may act fine for a while, but not to underestimate her reaction. I'm not! I'm DONE!

Thanks all.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Good luck un and good luck to your family.

Did she simply agree to the divorce?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Glad to hear you put your foot down. I don't believe she's going to wake up, she's long gone.
Lawyer up. Start implementing the 180, specially the self improvement part. Take care of you and your children. Let her go.

The 180 degree rules

Just Let Them Go

No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What's the next step, according to your attorney? You do have one, right?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job. About damn time! 

What did she say?


----------



## uncomplicated (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Good job. About damn time!
> 
> What did she say?


She wants to stay and work it out. I'm still cautious, however. 

She did admit to asking her male co-worker to 'keep it strictly business', which to me simply is an admission of guilt, however I laid out the financial reality of a split. I also 'boxed her in' with the comments that I had from multiple counselors, including my son's Vice Principal, School Psychologist and a few of his teachers. I asked her if she had shown any of the various, voluminous emails, from her to this guy 'friend', to her therapist, and she said "no". So, as part of the 'reconcilliation', I insisted that she do so, as well as not mentioning this guy's name, ever, to me again, and breaking off any social media communication with him, and any other ex-boyfriends or men that I may find suspicious. She must give me all of her passwords, bank statements, and agree never to discuss ANYTHING related to me with any of her friends or mine, my clients or hers, or any therapists of hers. "My business is my business......don't betray me again by discussing personal matters on my part. That is where I draw the line and this is a 'brick wall boundary' for me"! 

Lastly, I have a family member that is an attorney, licensed in this state, and told her that he has already done a 'forensic accounting' and that, besides finding several discrepencies in her financial dealings, that, unless she were willing to put our relationship back together, under MY rules this time, that she would face an onslaught of legal filings that would deplete her financially, and it would take her years to wade out of. She even admitted to purposely running up my credit cards.

"Why are you trying to hurt me", she asked. I said "you began this onslaught of hurt and betrayal-I didn't. This is not retaliation, but self-preservation. You continued to do things that exacerbated the problems and alienated me even further (I went through a long list), as well as attempting to destroy my credit. No judge would find what you did as amusing, or anything short of viewing it as very destrctive behavior"! And before you think it's a situation of 'tit for tat' on my part, understand that, IF I didn't love you, I would not even be here right now, trying to make this thing work and telling you these things. "You need to first understand that you've crossed the line, then admit that you have committed a gross betrayal. Rather than get defensive about it, you need to apologize and figure out any way that you can to avoid doing ANYTHING else that I might consider as threatening or damaging to our relationship and our son! No more denials, no more claims of 'abuse', no more 'long weekends away', no more avoidance on your part, no more trashing me to my clients, friends and family, and certainly no more financial 'mistakes' that put me in jeopardy, no more late nights at work! The judge won't look too kindly on any of those things. However, IF you don't love me, please walk away now! Your other choice is to do what it takes, on MY terms, to make me believe you again!". 

I didn't disclose all of the potential legal processes that were suggested by several counselors, therapists or attorneys, but I've done my 'due dilligence'-not trying to be sly or a trickster, but I've researched this to the hilt, and she knows she is in a weak position.....she's on notice and she now really understands that. 

I will not relax, as I cannot assume that she will stay as placid about all of this as she seems to be, but JUST the drug use alone will jeopardize her ability to see her son, and she knows that!

Whether this works (and it may not), I have finally found my confidence and will now set about to put my life back together again.......with or without her!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Great job.

Stay firm. 

You are on the right track with or without her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good luck! We are here for you! :smthumbup:


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I's demand a full disclosure of her scapades. You know well this is going on for years and this is likely multiple PAs. 
Tell her she killed your marriage and it's up to her to do the healvity lifting to rebuild a new one. Of course it has to be done with complete honesty on her part. She need to come clean, no damage control, no manipulation. She needs to put down the walls.

Did she ever forwaded the NC text/email?
Did she agrees to complete transparence?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You cannot blackmail her into reconciling. She might be reconciling for the time being. Be careful.


----------

