# Being used



## trimmerman (Feb 20, 2012)

Here's my dilemma. Just about 2 years ago I got Married to my spouse. we are older I'm 50 now 48 then she was 45 I have 1 child now 21 she had 3 -13,15, 20 all still live with us I make good money almost 6 figures she didn't make much. she's from peru and working on getting her papers she now has ssn# so she was making limited funds this I knew and thought after she got her ssn# she would still work and possibly increase her finances. but that didn't happen she lost the job he had and took 3 months to find an new job at half the pay. at least half of what she was giving before. she never was giving all she made so she could pay her bills she had. No problem. then she decides to give up her job to go to Peru for 1.5 months during her daughters summer vacation which I was against but she did any way and used our income tax refund to pay for. She then did'nt start working until the end of Dec. and did not provide any money until February. Last year she gave less than $3,000.00 to the house and expects me to give her half of last years income tax to her because I'm claiming her and her daughters. and she plans on going to Peru again this year. this means she'll leave this job and come back to find another one. I make just enough money to pay the bills with only a little left over which seems to get use up pretty quick. large expenses, holidays, birthdays ect. Not to mention I just bought a house and yes it needs quite a bit of work. She seems to think I'm made of money and have no problem coming up with it. I'm now having to do side jobs to keep up. I didn't work all my life to finally get in a good place and then have to go back to working extra jobs. Sorry but I wasn't expecting to have to financially support 4 people with out any help. She doe's not seem to appreciate what I've been doing for her. All she seems to care about is what she wants and her daughters needs and thinks I'm responsible for her because I married her and she's a woman. I'm at a loss and want to end it. I honestly believe she is just using me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Close all your joint accounts and move the money into one in your name only that you can control and monitor. Then tell her.....*no*.

Grow some juevos hombre.....


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## trimmerman (Feb 20, 2012)

She say I can't claim her and her daughters if I don't give her money


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Claim them for what? Are you saying this woman is blackmailing you into keeping the flow of money coming? What the heck? Is she a member of Shining Path or something? Why are you so afraid of her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's lying. If you support them, EVEN IF you don't give them extra money, you can claim them. 

Did she use you for her papers? I'd never marry an illegal. Shady shet. Sorry you are in this position 

Close accounts, hide money, cut her from it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> She seems to think I'm made of money and have no problem coming up with it. I'm now having to do side jobs to keep up. I didn't work all my life to finally get in a good place and then have to go back to working extra jobs. Sorry but I wasn't expecting to have to financially support 4 people with out any help. She doe's not seem to appreciate what I've been doing for her. All she seems to care about is what she wants and her daughters needs and thinks I'm responsible for her because I married her and she's a woman. I'm at a loss and want to end it. I honestly believe she is just using me.


Pack her llama and have it standing outside the door when she comes home. Then tell her to march her cute little Peruvian butt out the door.

Of course she's using you!


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## trimmerman (Feb 20, 2012)

She wants me to give half my taxes to claim her I'm not afraid of her just what I'll lose trying to divorce her. this state makes you wait a year to divorce and how do I kick her to the curb. she has nothing and no family. I thought this would be a mistake and turns out I'm right. I only wanted companionship and someone to enjoy life with not a ball and chain


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

She is using you!


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## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

Yeah..She is using you for your papers.. Nothing else!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She is your wife. You can claim her. She can demand you give her money, but she cannot force you to physically give it to her. 

IF she won't sign a joint return, you can still claim her children as dependents, and maybe her too. Talk to the tax preparer people...they know. 

Quit giving her money. If she doesn't help, she doesn't get any say about money at all. If she wants a summer vacation, she can work all year and save for it like the rest of us do.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

i doubt boundaries and limits/expectations were set in the beginning - prior to marriage- with regards to you supporting hers.... was there?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

How is it legal to claim people that don't live with you??? The wife is a no brainer. Yes you can claim her but can you claim people who don't live her?
I just found this 
If the children lived with you for more than six months or you provided over half of their support for the year,

So I don't think you can legally claim her kids.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

On the off-chance that it's a misunderstanding of values about money and a cultural difference about the longevity and stability of work...you might want to sit down and work out a budget where she is given the opportunity to contribute 100% towards her own expenses. She might not really value that house as much as you do, and it might have been something that you wanted very much and so she agreed to, and where else is she supposed to live - she's married to you, of course she's going to live with you...even if it wouldn't have been her choice to make that lifestyle decision, as you pointed out you make the money so you call the shots on managing your own money long term. She also might not understand that you don't own it outright, or the % of income that goes into a house. Things are different elsewhere about home ownership than in US. Things are different about jobs and family and vacations in places other than the US. It's really not unusual to take the summer off. I have, and when I've traveled to Quebec, my European friends didn't think it was odd or that I was incredibly wealthy to do so...in fact, hardly anybody talked about their professions, except us Unix people checked in with our servers once in a while...and sometimes I snuck off to work so I could make pin money for extra side-trips. There might also be some kind of cultural bias where some things that she assumed are different from what you assumed. The thing is, now she has her SSN her situation has changed. So what she bargained for in the beginning, if she bargained at all...explicitly or not...and the same goes for your end of the marriage act, which is a legal one, in our country, with legal - and financial - implications aside from the spiritual ones...has changed. Her power base so to speak is different. It's not okay for you to keep her stuck in history to her pre-marriage situation out of some sense of fairness that you would like. Like it or not, you need to reassess your position now, and figure out the options. You are entitled to 1/2 of your joint tax return so long as you are married AND living together in the same household for the past 6 months. Stick to that concept. I have made it clear to anyone I date that yes I have an Ivy League Degree but please don't include me in your plans to build wealth or equity. I'm not a cash cow, I'm a human, I have kids, and I would prefer to live in a yurt or the modern equivalent (and I do, more or less). If someone feels like they are doing me a huge favor by giving me some monstrosity of a house to clean and pay for, and too much stuff to manage, and asked me to give up my previously established lifestyle because I got married and now have to live in a house I never had a fair chance to have a voice about regarding my expectations about it, (not sure if that's your situation) I'd think they were trying to punish me or kill me. It sure would feel like death. You can't change someone by asking them to adjust their established lifestyle and culture to that degree. Not everyone buys into the American dream. To some people, a house is a house. You probably could have piled into a small apartment and she would have been okay with that, and her kids too. Some people take things because it's considered to be rude when the giver insists. :-(


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I am wondering where you met her? Was she in the US before you met or did you bring her over? Yes, I think you are being used from what you said.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

Wow! This has much more depth to it than just the face value. At my private practice in Denver, CO (see The Marriage and Family Clinic - Marriage Counseling) I work with a lot of very high income couples. This is not an uncommon thing to see husbands who make a lot of money and wives who do not seem to understand that there are financial limitations to their husband's income. If your wife is from Peru, it's likely that she has a lot of (innocent) misunderstandings about how much money you make and how far that money can go. She may have never had this much money before and believes it is too much to ever spend - hence she spends so much and doesn't think she needs to work in order to contribute an income. 

The simple answer is to sit down with her and create a budget. Be collaborative doing this so she doesn't feel like she's being bulldozed. Show her how much she is spending and where the rest of your paycheck goes. Show her how much money she could be contributing if she was working and how that would help pay for her trips back to Peru. If she is receptive to this, problem solved. If she is not receptive to this then you got bigger problems on your hands and will need professional help. Good luck!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

trimmerman said:


> She say I can't claim her and her daughters if I don't give her money


So then don't. Claim married filing separate - your tax rate will be higher and you don't get to claim her or her kids as deductions. But you still get to claim your itemized deductions. Moreover, your wife (with her low income) might find that the deductions are not as valuable as she might find.

But those are just details. The point is to say that those are her kids alone, not yours. If she is not going to partner with you she can be responsible for all four of them. Once she processes that and sees how large a burden it is, she will think differently. 

She may decide that you are not worth her time without the financial support. But you set a boundary that you expect someone to value the whole you and respect your efforts. You will gain her respect, something you do not have now.


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