# Stop Blaming Face Book, Myspace or the internet for cheating.



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I have been reading posts on TAM for a few months now. There is a lot of support and a lot of good people going through horrible things on here. But there are a few things that I noticed that people keep saying that I don't think it's necessarily true, especially about face book and or myspace. As long as sex has exsisted, affairs have as well. If someone is going to cheat then they are, it doesn't matter what the source is, it's what in their heart. If you intend to use something as a tool or source for cheating then of course anyone will look at and say DAMN that facebook or damn that myspace or whatever tools they may use. Facebook is over 10-15 years old easy it was used then to keep in touch with colllege friends or people from school. Then more money was invested and it changed over time. 

My point is Facebook is fairly new, before that that wa myspace, beofre myspace, there were ads before ads, and the computer there were letters, phones etc. People have always cheated the tools and methods have changed over time. So to be honest before anyone wants to bash the internet. And trust me there is a lof of bad out there when it comes to the internet don't get me wrong. But casting the blame on a social network b/c a SO or husband or wife or whomever want's to be unfaithful is well a mood point. 

You have to look at the PERSON that is doing it and get on their case and remember the task at hand. If some one is going to F around well they will and there is nothing you can do about, all you can do is control yourself. People have cheated for ever and will continue to do so, if it wasn't for facebook or mysace then for sure will be other things out there as a means to use for cheating. 

The question you have to ask is if and why there were looking for that person to begin with? And if someone found them somehow or some way, what are they going to do about it?. 

Thanks for reading this long posts I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading of you did read this. =):smthumbup:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Yes and no.

Yes it's true that affairs have always happened and if people want to cheat, they will find a way.

However the Internet makes finding people to cheat with easier. It makes everything easier to do once you are communicating with your lover... no more pebbles thrown against a window to get to talk to them - just email, IM or text.

Also old lovers can hunt you up from anywhere when they would never find you again if it was 20 years ago.

It doesn't cause it, it just makes it so much easier to do.

Of course keyloggers make it so much easier to catch and prove cheating too... so there is a balance of sorts.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I disagree it makes it easier yes, do you have to do it? No. just because it makes it easier out there doesn't mean you do it, it's the person a person true nature always comes out. There are always tools out there there will always be something but it all leads back to the person. Who intiated it in the first place. So then what mind as well, blame cell phones, tv, letters, or any type of communication used in everyday settings.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

It's my marriage and I'll blame if I want to, blame if I want to, blame if I want to... 

You would blame it too if it happened to youuuuuu!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Well actually it did, it did happen to me. My long term bf used it as a tool. So I'm not speaking as a person that doesn't have the experince of knowing what it feels like. But in everything you have to look at the person.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

krismimo said:


> Well actually it did, it did happen to me. My long term bf used it as a tool. So I'm not speaking as a person that doesn't have the experince of knowing what it feels like. But in everything you have to look at the person.


I am looking at the person, and that person just happens to have a Facebook, along with 650,000,000 other people.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

right they do along with everybody else, i do and mu husband but the diffrence is is that person going to be honest with you enough and respect your boundries while using the network if not then not the social networks fault.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> It's my marriage and I'll blame if I want to, blame if I want to, blame if I want to...
> 
> You would blame it too if it happened to youuuuuu!


Paraphrasing Leslie Gore 'It's my party'?:rofl:


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife's affair started on facebook. Would she have cheated without facebook??? I don't know. She never had contact with this guy in normal life...the one who was putting the moves on her and making her feel so special.

I guess you could say she was capable of cheating. Facebook just made it super easy and more convenient. Sometimes that is all that makes the difference.

You can say what you want about facebook. I say it is dangerous to those married to people capable of cheating. It's like sending a recovering alcoholic on a brewery tour every day.

Thats my opinion.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It does make it easy, not denying that. But thanks for taking the time to ready my post, as well as it's mine too. No matter what people's true nature come out.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Totally agree that if someone cheats, there's something within themselves that is causing them to look elsewhere for fulfillment.

However, I do think facebook, myspace, or any internet social network presents more opportunity and temptations. There's a reason one of the most common affairs is between co-workers, they're someone you connect with often. 

Same goes if you're connecting with someone online regularly, it's just another location to be social and engage with people. Sooner or later, you'll re-connect or meet someone new that gives you that little addictive spike of excitement. Maybe you can recognize that spike and turn away, but it may be tempting to go back for seconds when it's "harmless" internet chatting.

With the use of the internet, people have more opportunities to find interesting and engaging people that share their interests. They might not even realize how unfulfilled or bored they are in life, until something new and sparkly comes along. From there it's a fast slipery slope to cheaterville.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree with you saffron well put!, as for RWB I'm soryy but I think she was using facebook as a scape goat something to hide behind her actions for what she done, it's like oh I can't help it it's face book's fault. It makes it tempting no doubt indeed but as adults it's up to us to umm I dont know say no. We decide our actions.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

This is exactly why I wrote this post to begin with. Not taking actions for what you do your in denial. the truth is not always a conveinient thing. Think of all the spouses and loved ones that have the same exact account, same outcomes as we do but they don't cheat they don't deciet their loved ones, they like you and me have a choice. You had a facebook you had a mayspeace or email or whatever did you cheat? No. So what is the exception then? There is none. perfect example, my husband told me about this lady who wanted to add him as a friend on face book, in his previous marriage she wanted to get with him and he politely rejected her even though she knew then he was married. He remarried to me, he oltd me that she wanted to add him and we should visit. Not only did he not add her, he told me about it. 

My ex had a facebook didn't tell me that he had one knowing I had one as well, and I found out later why, he had a girlfirend, we were together for 8 yrs he was with this other girl for half the time we were together. He was secretive, he wouldn't even acknowledge me as a gf on FB. World of diffrence with my husband. That is when I learned, that everyone is diffren't. And people are going to do what they're going to do. For as many people that use the internet and other devices to cheat there are others that simply don't. It's within your heart and your mind the choices your going to make.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Facebook and other social networking sites may not be the cause, but they do *FACILITATE* cheating. They also bring together people who should never have gotten in touch with each other in the first place. My wife's EA with an old high school boyfriend started because the OM looked her up on facebook. Then she practically fell down the slippery slope.

Then there's all the "pokes" and other flirty applications that facebook has. Facebook and Myspace FACILITATE affairs by making it so easy to create secret accounts simply by having another secret email. There's a reason that Facebook is called "Cheating Made Easy". If your spouse creates a secret facebook account under a hidden name, it's hard to find out unless you have a keylogger or other computer monitoring program installed.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

krismimo said:


> As long as sex has exsisted, affairs have as well. If someone is going to cheat then they are, it doesn't matter what the source is, it's what in their heart.


So, you're stating that, because your husband is trustworthy and morally incorruptible, you would have no problem with him attending parties at the Playboy Mansion and being propositioned by 22 year-old models? If what is in your heart is good, then you can't possibly be influenced by your environment?

That is perfectly wrong. Environment can, does, and always has, influenced men and women to do the wrong thing.

Facebook is a loaded gun for marriages.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

That makes no sense at all, in everything that we you ALWAYS have a choice. It's simple you either sucumb to it or you don't, and I disagree that everyone is controlled under the environment everyone is diffrent. All I;m saying that no one is really saying is you have choice what you decide to do is up to you.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I trust him, he trust's me in that he has a chouice and so do I. Everyone has a choice you can't control what anyone does all you can do is control and make your own choices. And plus he wouldn't go there anyway not his thing. And another note there are other people, other relationships, other dynamics, diffrent situations and somehow some way some select few decide to point the blame but not pointing the finger in the right direction.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

And pht by you writing that example you just made my point, weather if it is facebook, myspace, cell phones whatever the situation brings at the end of the day it's up to you. It's up to you to type or contact whomever, it's up to you to be flirtatious, it's up to you to decided what happens next. Thanks for reading the posts and I appreciate your opinions thanks!


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

facebook, myspace and the internet in general make it easier for people to cheat.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Plus the point that some people are forgetting is that if people are suppose to be transparent in a marriage and there is trust then it wouldn't matter what happened on the accounts on the internet because the person is not HIDING anything. I feel that fb or MySpace or any type of communication is another layer or type of extension of communication that you have with your partner. For example if your partner is open to you and being transparent with you, then you would know or have the password to some of the accounts, with no problem. Because that is how you communicate to each other. If your spouse is hiding things from you, being secretive, and not disclosing information no matter how small or big it is and it adds up, then you have some serious problems in communication that LEAKS into other facets in your marriage/relationship. The use of Facebook, the internet, etc those specific sites are used as a tool or resource. But seriously a website that is not intended for that happens anyway why? Because like with anything else people abuse or misuse it, you know you’re doing something that you’re not supposed to do to begin with, but you do it anyway. It is not in that case that social network’s fault because someone used poor judgment.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't blame the internet at all... I have facebook, i had a myspace back in the day, i visit all kinds of sites, I play games on pogo. Not once have I cheated. 

The internet just makes cheating more accessible to those that have it in mind to cheat. My H used it as an outlet for his BDSM fantasies. Which started our issues. But he wouldn't have found an outlet for it if it weren't for the internet. Yet, I don't blame the internet. It just allowed him the options and HE is the one that bit. HE is the one that made the choice to do what he has done. It is on HIM not the internet.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

They make it easier, but if someone is going to cheat then they are going to cheat. I've been there myself, and without social networks I wouldn't have found that person. However that woman may have cheated anyways without a social network. The problem with cheating is their is ALWAYS a cause. Someone is not happy, feeling ignored, or some people just are selfish and want to cheat. You can't blame FB or myspace for your wife or husband cheating. You have to look at what caused them to cheat.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> Yes it's true that affairs have always happened and if people want to cheat, they will find a way.
> 
> However the Internet makes finding people to cheat with easier.


The thing about this that makes no sense to me is this. If a person WOULD cheat, but has not because of inconvenience, then the marriage has just as much trouble brewing than if someone HAD cheated, it seems to me.

The ease of the act is irrelevant in my mind.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

THANK YOU MOM YOU GET IT!!!! That was all I was trying to say. THANK YOU!!!!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Thanks JEFF THAT I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOur right! I just don't understand why some people are refusing to see that.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

JeffX said:


> They make it easier, but if someone is going to cheat then they are going to cheat. I've been there myself, and without social networks I wouldn't have found that person. However that woman may have cheated anyways without a social network. The problem with cheating is their is ALWAYS a cause. Someone is not happy, feeling ignored, or some people just are selfish and want to cheat. You can't blame FB or myspace for your wife or husband cheating. You have to look at what caused them to cheat.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree that choice exists, but I disagree that the environment is irrelevant. Environment affects choice. Sometimes, environment provides choice. I don't even see how that is arguable.

Also, I think people are assuming that the loyalty switch in a disloyal spouse is just permanently set to disloyal and the only thing missing is opportunity. But that's not how most affairs work.

Loyalty to your spouse is on a continuum. Sometimes, your loyalty to your spouse is high and sometimes it's low. If an attractive opportunity presents itself when you are low on your spousal loyalty continuum, then you are more likely to cheat. If you are going through financial, emotional, and sexual problems in your marriage, and your husband suddenly runs into an ex-girlfriend that he shared a passionate emotional and sexual relationship with (which happens every day on Facebook), then he is much more likely to cheat than if he just goes to work at the police station with all the other guys he sees every day.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

krismimo said:


> Plus the point that some people are forgetting is that if people are suppose to be transparent in a marriage and there is trust then it wouldn't matter what happened on the accounts on the internet because the person is not HIDING anything.


People usually don't start hiding affairs until they are underway. People don't hide the initial, platonic stages or relationships that are just beginning to result in attraction.



krismimo said:


> It is not in that case that social network’s fault because someone used poor judgment.


I think you are simply misunderstanding the objection to Facebook. I don't have a problem with computers, the internet, or even Facebook in particular. I have a problem with what people do on them.

If my wife wanted to develop a friendship with a young, attractive man at her office, I would be wary. If my wife wanted to spend every Friday afternoon after work getting drinks at a local restaurant or bar with this person, just the two of them, I would object. If my wife wanted to use her phone to call and text this person constantly, I would object. That doesn't mean I have a problem with restaurants or phones. It means that I have a problem with my wife using these tools to develop an innocent, platonic relationship with a man.

See, innocent, platonic relationships tend to evolve unintended into romantic and sexual relationships. It's called the propinquity effect. It means that people are easily attracted to the people that they spend a lot of time with or around. Before Facebook, people frequently interacted with their friends, their neighbors, and their co-workers. That was basically your pool of potential romantic rivals. After Facebook, people can frequently interact with literally anyone, anywhere on Earth. The pool of potential rivals is increased to include everybody.

Spend some more time on these boards to see more examples of loyal spouses complaining about disloyals developing EAs on Facebook and you may begin to see the danger.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

absolutely right, people should not blame facebook or any other vehicle that provided opportunity and enabled a person in a potentially vulnerable state to do something regretable...

It's also not the fault of drug dealers if your child becomes an addict or dies of overdose... You should harbor no ill will towards there being a drug dealer on every street corner right??? 

Afterall, if your child was capable of doing drugs or was succeptable to peer pressure thats not the drug pushers fault right? 

It must be your child's fault? NO... along this vein of logic it must be YOUR fault for raising them to be weak and succeptable right???? 

No fault of the dealer, your child was going to do it anyway, they would have found a way... No fault of the child, he was hurting and obviously his needs weren't being meet, he had a void and the drug was filling that void....

Facebook- The Drug Dealer.
Other Man/Woman - The Drug.
Your Spouse - The Child.
You - The Parent

PEOPLE STOP BLAMING THE DEALER!!!!. He didn't invent the drug, and facebook didnt invent cheating. He didnt force your kid to do the drug, he just stood on the corner pushing it. Facebook doesn't have anything to do with affairs and drug dealers don't have anything to do with kids doing drugs!!!

[/sarcasm]


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with both sides of this discussion... 

It seems that there's many types of affairs. Some are premeditated, with someone actively looking to cheat with. There's lots of websites out there that make this so easy to do, but anyone who does this through Facebook is an idiot (IMHO). Well, having an affair in general is pretty idiotic behaviour in the first place, but purposefully selecting someone from your circle of friends is even more idiotic.

Another type is "it just happens"... Talking to a friendly person of the correct gender, eventually the attraction builds for whatever reason and the affair happens. This is the one where FB and the other social websites come in, but it can happen just as easily through co-workers or friends in real life. But as PHTLump says, real life people are limited, whereas FB expands your horizons considerably.

C


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