# I lost a friend because I told him I have feelings for him



## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

Ok, i think I am venting more than asking advice. I would like your views, judgement, or whatever.. i just need people to talk too. BTW, i'm female.
TL;DR.

So, I serve in the military and I have been in 6 months training and in 3 weeks from now I will be graduating. During my 6 months, i became close friends with a guy who I eventually fell for, we were very close friends and I eventually told him how I felt. I made it clear that I was ok that he didn’t feel the same way, in addition, the training environment isn’t the place for this kinda stuff, he agreed and expressed he wanted to remain friends as well.

However, after time went by he started to distance himself from me in where having a conversation with her was getting harder and harder. I tried to keep a distance from him, I would talk to him like for 3-5 min tops and mostly once or twice a week... I didn't want to make it look I was some girl who was trying to get more out of the friendship, but just a girl who was trying to retain the friendship. Thing is, every time I tried to talk to him he would get flakey, taciturned, and sometimes rude.

So eventually, I had to talk to him about it, and he just couldn’t see me as a friend anymore... this lead to a huge argument with him about this which caused the communication and friendship to completely die.

It’s 2 months after and I have stopped talking to him ever since.. however, I am so hurt as to how I was cut off. I actually cared more about us remaining friends than going further, which is impossible anyway given the environment and job that we have.

We are about to graduate 3 weeks from now, in where we will part our separate ways however there is such bitterness and grief in me as to how our circumstances are. A part of me wants to end in good terms; however I just don't know if i can just initiate a conversation anymore, because it would also be wrong for me to do so..


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ciscad said:


> Ok, i think I am venting more than asking advice. I would like your views, judgement, or whatever.. i just need people to talk too. BTW, i'm female.
> TL;DR.
> 
> So, I serve in the military and I have been in 6 months training and in 3 weeks from now I will be graduating. During my 6 months, i became close friends with a guy who I eventually fell for, we were very close friends and I eventually told him how I felt. I made it clear that I was ok that he didn’t feel the same way, in addition, the training environment isn’t the place for this kinda stuff, he agreed and expressed he wanted to remain friends as well.
> ...


He/she made themselves distant for a reason.
I suggest respecting their actions.


Friends are temporary companions that are the same journey and are not meant to be permanent, in most cases.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

One moment is a guy the next is a female, so who knows????


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

sorry, it's a guy. I tried going to a male dominant forum just to see if they had a different pov or something based on a male's perspective which is why i failed to edit properly


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I think one always runs the risk of losing the person when it goes from.. friend.. to ... I like you. Some people just cannot handle that. He may not be the person you thought he was and thus let him go. Just know that in the future, if you do tell someone that you have feelings for them there is the chance that it cannot go back to being like it was before the confession of your feelings.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

I know, it's strange. Before I told him, i went around the web to consulting friends about whether or not... every singly site was all about the rejectee refusing friendship, not the other way around. I was emotionally prepared to be ok with my interest in him being rejected, and in reality it's the loss of friendship and how this all ended that hurts me the most. The thought about it being only 3 weeks till we officially leave training and part ways and this is how it ended hurts a lot.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ciscad said:


> I know, it's strange. Before I told him, i went around the web to consulting friends about whether or not... every singly site was all about the rejectee refusing friendship, not the other way around. I was emotionally prepared to be ok with my interest in him being rejected, and in reality it's the loss of friendship and how this all ended that hurts me the most. The thought about it being only 3 weeks till we officially leave training and part ways and this is how it ended hurts a lot.


Often, when you cross the line from friendship to romance and it is rejected, it is almost impossible to go back to being just friends for one or the other party.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> Often, when you cross the line from friendship to romance and it is rejected, it is almost impossible to go back to being just friends for one or the other party.


i guess you are right..

Am i in the wrong in all this?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ciscad said:


> i guess you are right..
> 
> Am i in the wrong in all this?


No. You were not in the wrong. 
You had feelings for him, but he couldn't reciprocate.
He wasn't able to handle the idea of being friends with somebody who had unrequited feelings for him.
There was nothing wrong in that. 
It just didn't work out.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

How would you feel if you told some guy you didn't want to be friends with him anymore when he said he had feelings for you and then the two of you had an argument.

Would you like it if he kept trying to get back with you? Kept trying to be friends?

Or would you think he was stalking you if he did that after you told him you no longer want to be his friend?

I get it, it hurts. You took your shot and it missed. That's part of life.

We all get rejected at times, it's part of the process of meeting, getting to know others etc.

Both men and women have been in your shoes countless times and you'll be in this situation again.

Respect his wishes.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

ciscad said:


> i guess you are right..
> 
> Am i in the wrong in all this?


No you are absolutely right in expressing your feelings. However, he was not mature enough to move past the feelings. Just move on.. and there are other people out there that can handle a friendship or a possible relationship. He couldn't.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

The experience is fresh and the emotions are raw. In time this will be an adorable story you tell others about that time you gambled on love, and lost. But, by the time that story is told you'll have been with the love of your life for many years, whomever that may be.

Chin up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You took a chance and it didn’t work out. That’s always the potential risk when you put yourself out there. Where you were in the wrong IMO was arguing with him about it — unless you weren’t the one arguing? If you were the one arguing, you should’ve respected his feelings about the situation and not argued with him.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> How would you feel if you told some guy you didn't want to be friends with him anymore when he said he had feelings for you and then the two of you had an argument.
> 
> Would you like it if he kept trying to get back with you? Kept trying to be friends?
> 
> ...


Well, in the beginning. He told me that he wanted us to remain friends and didn't want anything to jeopardize it.. it's just after that he started flaking when I would try to talk to him like I always would, which was only about training. The argument was about how his reception of me became.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may have said he wanted to remain friends and then discovered that he couldn’t. For future reference, you should have let it go at that point and avoided a “huge argument”.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

ciscad said:


> Well, in the beginning. He told me that he wanted us to remain friends and didn't want anything to jeopardize it.. it's just after that he started flaking when I would try to talk to him like I always would, which was only about training. The argument was about how his reception of me became.


This will sound worse than I mean it. 

So?

My point isn't about that, what you just said. It's about AFTER that, about right now, about what you need to do going forward.

Look forward, not backward. Let this go. Don't try to analyze it. He's made his wishes known so it doesn't matter that he said he wanted to remain friends then, because NOW he doesn't.

You need to use and go off the latest info you have, which is that he does NOT want to remain friends with you. 

Respect his wishes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ciscad said:


> Ok, i think I am venting more than asking advice. I would like your views, judgement, or whatever.. i just need people to talk too. BTW, i'm female.
> TL;DR.
> 
> So, I serve in the military and I have been in 6 months training and in 3 weeks from now I will be graduating. During my 6 months, i became close friends with a guy who I eventually fell for, we were very close friends and I eventually told him how I felt. I made it clear that I was ok that he didn’t feel the same way, in addition, the training environment isn’t the place for this kinda stuff, he agreed and expressed he wanted to remain friends as well.
> ...


You've got to let this go. Anything you do in the way of trying is just going to make the matter worse. He doesn't want to deal with it at all. You really usually can't be friends when one person wants more and it's too awkward for the other person to want to do it in many many cases. I'm sure it also makes people talk. For all you know he may have his eye on someone and the person he has his eye on maybe thinking he already has a girlfriend because of this. So no he doesn't want any appearance, but really the main thing with those situations is he's just going to feel awkward about it and doesn't want to deal with it and I've been in that position many many times myself and I'm a female. 

I understand getting your feelings hurt because you were rejected and I'm very sorry about that, but that happens to all of us and we have to learn to just bounce back from it and realize that they were not the person for us no matter how much hopes we had that they might be. He definitely wasn't who you hoped he would be and he let you know right away. 

So don't be stalkery and keep trying to have some kind of other outcome with him. You have to just leave him alone now entirely. I'm sorry it turned out that way but it's the only practical solution going forward or you will just make matters worse. 

There are plenty of other guys. He wasn't right for you. He knows that even if you don't. Just forget about it. Chalk it up to experience. Don't get a step ahead of someone. Only invest your emotions in someone who is at least meeting you halfway. Same thing applies to doing favors for people. You need to show some restraint and not do things for people when there's no reason for it. If someone becomes interested in you, you'll know it and won't have to ask. Guys are pretty assertive about that sort of thing. 

Go eat some ice cream. Pamper yourself. Shake yourself off and get back in the saddle.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

so let me detail the argument..

first, weeks prior to the argument, i have decreased interacting with him because of how much I was getting snubbed for trying to chat with him.. the only thing I was talking to him about was training, i would talk to him like 3 min, probably 2x a week. With in these 3 months, i tried asking him to talk in person twice because I just wanted to get this elephant out of the room..

so the 2nd time i asked, he refused, which lead me to text him as to what is up. His reason is, he couldn't see me as a friend, and the same reasoning post 11 has. I was trying to explain myself as to why I am not someone playing the friend card.. it's impossible to do that in the first place because of us being in training.

I later find out, he is telling our friend circle that I stare at him and it makes him uncomfortable, which is so untrue because I've been almost avoiding him as much as I could. I can't hang out with our friend circle anymore.

So i'm just so frustrated and depressed as to how I ended up, the detachment life is so stressful as it is and being lonely makes it harder.

sorry, i guess i'm more of venting now. I'm not arguing with anyone here..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your situation sounds a lot like something I went through when I was 19 (very long ago). A boy I liked as a friend told me he wanted more than friendship. I wasn’t interested in him in that way and I told him so. The difference is that I didn’t say we could return to being friends. At that point I couldn’t go back to that. But he persisted in trying to get my attention and at first I was just annoyed and then eventually I became angry. I wanted him to leave me alone and told him so. But he felt that what he wanted was more important than what I wanted. Yes, I realize you’re hurt. That’s totally understandable. But what you wanted isn’t more important than what he wanted. Let it go. It’ll be a distant memory soon enough.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

what about writing a letter to him when I leave the detachment?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

Openminded said:


> Your situation sounds a lot like something I went through when I was 19 (very long ago). A boy I liked as a friend told me he wanted more than friendship. I wasn’t interested in him in that way and I told him so. The difference is that I didn’t say we could return to being friends. At that point I couldn’t go back to that. But he persisted in trying to get my attention and at first I was just annoyed and then eventually I became angry. I wanted him to leave me alone and told him so. But he felt that what he wanted was more important than what I wanted.


He still wanted to be more than friends after you told him no?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ciscad said:


> He wanted to be more than friends after you told him no?


He would have liked that, yes, but at minimum he wanted to be friends in order to stay in my life. I felt it was better if we didn’t and he didn’t want to accept that.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

There can be many reasons he would be stand offish. I was painfully shy with women when it came to intimacy (and still am). I didn't know how to relate in any relationship closer than arm's length and even today avoid going there. I only half jokingly tell my wife she is my safe harbor from dealing with "those nasty women".

Or he could be gay and unwilling to come out. Understandable.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

Openminded said:


> He would have liked that, yes, but at minimum he wanted to be friends in order to stay in my life. I felt it was better if we didn’t and he didn’t want to accept that.


You guys are right. I know, moving on is what i have to do.. i got 3 weeks to go. 

I don't think getting rejected on the romantic sense is what hurt me, but more on the broken friendship part. I just wish it didn't end this way, especially since in the future there will be reunions and stuff like that that i hope to be invited too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

By then you'll probably have a nice man on your arm and it won't bother you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ciscad said:


> so let me detail the argument..
> 
> first, weeks prior to the argument, i have decreased interacting with him because of how much I was getting snubbed for trying to chat with him.. the only thing I was talking to him about was training, i would talk to him like 3 min, probably 2x a week. With in these 3 months, i tried asking him to talk in person twice because I just wanted to get this elephant out of the room..
> 
> ...


Ever since your confession he now sees you as someone who is just talking to him trying to get close to him so he'll change his mind and that is very uncomfortable for him. Now anything you do will seem like you're chasing him. That is known as orbiting. So just stop.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ciscad said:


> what about writing a letter to him when I leave the detachment?


NO! Now you really are acting like a stalker who can't take no for an answer. If you keep it up he could report you or something.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> NO! Now you really are acting like a stalker who can't take no for an answer. If you keep it up he could report you or something.


How is it stalking? We are leaving the detachment and being sent to different locations around the world. It's a goodbye letter to explain my side and how i understand his.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ciscad said:


> How is it stalking? We are leaving the detachment and being sent to different locations around the world. It's a goodbye letter to explain my side and how i understand his.


He has told you no and you need to respect that and if you don't you are infringing on his right to privacy. He does not want to deal with this anymore and I don't blame him. His response to that is going to be telling people that he got a creepy letter from a woman who can't take no for her answer and now he has something on paper.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ciscad said:


> sorry, it's a guy. I tried going to a male dominant forum just to see if they had a different pov or something based on a male's perspective which is why i failed to edit properly


Your writing is sufficient, your worrying is cause for alarm.

I put, just shy of forty years in the military.
Most of it in the Reserves.

It is a lonely existence, even though you are always surrounded by other people.
For God, for country, you come last, you are a number.

You are your rank.

You will make other friends, though they come and go.

Your best friends should be other females. 

There is a lot of interaction between male and females.
This is natural, but it is the one thing that breaks the cohesion in the ranks.

Be discrete, choose your male friends carefully. 
Many will carelessly take advantage of you and break your heart and spirit.

This guy simply was not interested. 
He was honest.

He may have a gal back home, who knows?

Good luck, young lady!

It will work out once you graduate and get your PCS.

Training Units are the worst places to be in. 
They are over regimented and impersonal.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I wouldn't let him poison your friend pool. Just tell Them that he is wrong. Once he said no, you've barley spoken with him. Don't let HIM cause you to not be friends with the others. If he can't handle it, let him be the uncomfortable one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ciscad said:


> what about writing a letter to him when I leave the detachment?


NO!!!



ciscad said:


> How is it stalking? We are leaving the detachment and being sent to different locations around the world. It's a goodbye letter to explain my side and how i understand his.


It is stalkerish, because he's made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to you and you won't listen. Leave him alone for god sake, before you get yourself in trouble.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

I can fully understand how you feel, really sad and something important lost in the life! I've experienced similar half year ago.

I also think still can be a friend if can't be a lover. sometimes women's heart big than men's. But different personalities will cause people to make different decision. 

I read books. Most men are more practical in choosing their lovers. Sometimes they would rather do nothing. Girls may be more emotional. I am agreed with the personality decides fate. I think this is his choice, or respect it.

It always takes some time. When you finished your current work, you will go to another new environment and start a new life, and you will slowly forget it.

So, be happier!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ciscad said:


> what about writing a letter to him when I leave the detachment?


Nope, don't write him a letter or talk to him about this again as you mentioned in another post. He told you he's not interested and pulled away from you. You have to accept that.

I'm curious about why you told him that you have feelings for him to start with. I was in the Army, so I understand the dynamics. You are in a situation where you cannot take a relationship further than casual co-workers. If you know that there would never be a relationship, why did you tell him? I bring it up because this can happen again. You could fall for another guy at your next duty station. Be more discrete. @SunCMars is right, there are guys who "will carelessly take advantage of you and break your heart and spirit." I saw a lot of this go on when I was active duty.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My perspective is this is all about you.
Yes you followed your feelings, however you knew he only wanted to be friends, and you stepped over his boundary and based upon your comments here you obviously can't let it go. 

It's all about what YOU want.
He only wanted to be friends with you and I don't think it's he that can't handle this but you that can't handle this. 

Move on and leave the man alone for crying out loud. Life isn't fair and you don't always get what you want. It's never easy to be rejected in life but this won't be the last time because life is full of being rejected (from people, job opportunities, and countless other things). 

You have no idea what's going through his mind right now and as much as you want to he doesn't want to go there and as painful as it is it's his boundary and you need to respect it because again this isn't just about you.

Learn from it and move on.

Sorry you're hurting but you're making it worse thinking you're going to get the answers you're seeking or trying to explain yourself to him. He doesn't want this and has drawn a strong boundary and you keep trying to step over it.

As painful as it is it would behoove you to accept the reality of the situation and move on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to learn to never crap where you eat. Especially in the military.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pip’sJourney said:


> No you are absolutely right in expressing your feelings. However, he was not mature enough to move past the feelings. Just move on.. and there are other people out there that can handle a friendship or a possible relationship. He couldn't.


How did it get to someone assuming HE wasn't mature enough?
At boot camp or additional training, where most are focusing on their just beginning military life?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ciscad said:


> You guys are right. I know, moving on is what i have to do.. i got 3 weeks to go.
> 
> I don't think getting rejected on the romantic sense is what hurt me, but more on the broken friendship part. I just wish it didn't end this way, especially since in the future there will be reunions and stuff like that that i hope to be invited too.


Are you suited for the demanding life of a military service person, if something this trivial takes up so very much of your mental focus?

If you're studying how to serve your unit in your field, that's your primary concern.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I didn't find myself in this position exactly but am embarrassed to say when I was in college and a guy I was seeing tried to give me subtle hints that he didn't want to see me anymore I was completely oblivious. When he left for the summer he finally manned up and said "look, I don't think we should see each other anymore." All previous attempts on his part to brush me off kindly, it was as though they didn't compute; maybe I didn't want to think they meant what they meant. But when he said that, I had to respect his wishes. I didn't contact him again. He felt bad a couple of times and invited me to group things as a friend but I had really strong feelings for him and wasn't interested in pretending we were buddy buddy. I think that is where you are in terms of, he doesn't want you. 

Don't make someone tell you multiple times that he doesn't want you. Respect his decision. If you REALLY care about him, LISTEN. 

He doesn't want you. He also doesn't want you as a friend. I'm not saying this to be cruel, but because I think you need to hear it because you aren't listening when he tells you. *Do not write letters, leave presents, text him or otherwise contact him. *

Focus on your career, your friends, especially female friends, pick up a new hobby, stay busy, and act as though he has moved to a far off island and you won't see him again. 

Chasing him at this point is damaging to your dignity, not to mention, could get you in major career trouble.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know I'm late to the party here an that this isn't the first forum you have told this story in. Here is my take on your question:


ciscad said:


> Am i in the wrong in all this?


You didn't so much do something wrong as you were unable to actually do what you expected to do. It's more of a learning mistake than a harmful action. You expected this:


ciscad said:


> I made it clear that I was ok that he didn’t feel the same way,





ciscad said:


> I was emotionally prepared to be ok with my interest in him being rejected,


But when that actually happened it turned out that you weren't OK with it. It turned out that you were more hurt than you expected to be.


ciscad said:


> I am so hurt as to how I was cut off.


We have learned that the world around women tend to see relationships as either friendly, or romantic. Whereas men tend to view every opposite sex relationship to be either romantic, or potentially romantic. GI Joe is not interested in a potentially romantic relationship with you. Possibly because he is an idiot, but that is neither here nor there the interest doesn't exist and he is blocking you to prevent you from getting more hurt. 

That is my take based on living twice your age and reading hundreds of these stories. It could be totally wrong, and you are free to reject it or ignore it.  I'll try not to be offended by your choice. But I've also made that mistake before.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

so i got a text from him with a delayed Merry christmas and happy new year, and how everything is ok and we are cool.. i didn't reply


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

EleGirl said:


> I'm curious about why you told him that you have feelings for him to start with. I was in the Army, so I understand the dynamics. You are in a situation where you cannot take a relationship further than casual co-workers. If you know that there would never be a relationship, why did you tell him? I bring it up because this can happen again. You could fall for another guy at your next duty station. Be more discrete. @SunCMars is right, there are guys who "will carelessly take advantage of you and break your heart and spirit." I saw a lot of this go on when I was active duty.


Because at the time, i just couldn't hold it anymore. I was already 3 months in AIT so that with the added 3 months of basic, the whole "missing the civilian life" (which involves intimacy) started to kick in.. especially seeing a few people being able to sneak the "battle booing", so it just creeped it's way into me. I really wish i did not because of how unrealistic it was, and the reality is, after telling him, I realized that i didn't want a romantic relationship either because it is almost useless given that after training we are all going to split up to our units.. we are really destined to say goodbye to each other. 

I guess how negative it became is what caused me to get effected. It's hard losing close friends here especially during training.. the feeling is almost the same way as an actual breakup, and having a close circle or person is somewhat very important to the life we get serving.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

funny thing is, as weird as this may sound. Eventhough, I got what i wanted, which was closure (since he texted), i now feel like i want to of retract or take back "my wanting to be friends again". 
Even though his side is understandable, just de-friending me and having me go all alone in the detachment felt like betrayal to me.

It was hard seeing him and my other friends hang out while i am stuck in the barracks or eating my meals alone all because he didn't like my company anymore, and I wasn't going to force myself either. I felt like i was a good friend too, i got him food when he was sick, i always replied to him and engaged in good conversations and regardless of what i said earlier, i felt like i did give a good amount of respectful space to him.

Would you ever be friends with someone like that, even if they have decided to compromise themselves?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ciscad said:


> funny thing is, as weird as this may sound. Eventhough, I got what i wanted, which was closure (since he texted), i now feel like i want to of retract or take back "my wanting to be friends again".
> Even though his side is understandable, just de-friending me and having me go all alone in the detachment felt like betrayal to me.
> 
> It was hard seeing him and my other friends hang out while i am stuck in the barracks or eating my meals alone all because he didn't like my company anymore, and I wasn't going to force myself either. I felt like i was a good friend too, i got him food when he was sick, i always replied to him and engaged in good conversations and regardless of what i said earlier, i felt like i did give a good amount of respectful space to him.
> ...


Do yourself a favor, and stop reaching out, or talking with him. Some things are not meant to be.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Do yourself a favor, and stop reaching out, or talking with him. Some things are not meant to be.


What happens if he initiates?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

This whole situation is way over-dramatized. He reached out, I would have said something like, "thanks, happy holidays to you too" and just leave it at that.

There are many reasons why he might not have wanted as much friendship as you did, especially after stating that you like him. It is ok for him to do this, maybe he liked someone else, maybe he actually has a girlfriend that he is keeping a somewhat secret and wants to be faithful to her and felt uncomfortable hanging with someone that admitted liking him in a romantic way.

Never put so much stock in one person, especially one that you don't have a long term relationship with, that your mind swirls around it so much as you have in this scenario.

Did you feel rejected / judged? Do you feel that way at other times with other people? Your level of concern over this situation and what others might be thinking makes me think there is a touch of social anxiety going on here. If that is the case, you should really try to understand that so you can identify and manage it when it happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ciscad said:


> What happens if he initiates?


 If he initiates what? Do you mean if he texts you out of the blue? or if he walks up and talks to you?


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

EleGirl said:


> If he initiates what? Do you mean if he texts you out of the blue? or if he walks up and talks to you?


if he walks up and talks? Would any of you snub someone back, just like they did to you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ciscad said:


> What happens if he initiates?


Turn it down. This is making choices for what's best for you. 

The what if mind game is a losing game every time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ciscad said:


> if he walks up and talks? Would any of you snub someone back, just like they did to you?


After his reaction to you thus far, you would to best to be polite and short. If he walks up and starts talking to you, just walk away. You could say a brief "hello" but walk away. If he persists, texts you, etc., just tell him to please leave you alone. 

It's one thing for him to let you know that he's not interested in anything beyond the most casual of relationships with you. It's quite another for him to badmouth you to other people. Him doing that is a very bad sign of who he is. He's not a good person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Goodbyes will be common in the life you’ve chosen. Most probably won’t be like that though. In the meantime, be civil if you run across him but be disinterested.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ciscad said:


> What happens if he initiates?


Well, then it is you that now has the upper hand.

I suspect, now that the stress associated with that training station; that both of you endured, has now ended.

He (and you) can return to being individuals.

An individual, having more agency and free will.

Stress can cause people to act impolitely.
He might feel he had done so.

Keep him as a friend, good friends are gold.

Sure, nothing may develop from this, other than you_ may have got_ what you wanted, albeit, belatedly!

He bent to your will.


_King Brian-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know you have your hopes up now, but he isn't really interested in you, and that isn't going to change. There are two scenarios why he texted. One is he felt a little guilty and wanted to feel better. The other is after gossiping to people, some of his buddies said, Hey, you might as well just have sex with her. Then you'll never see her again anyway.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

ciscad said:


> funny thing is, as weird as this may sound. Eventhough, I got what i wanted, which was closure (since he texted), i now feel like i want to of retract or take back "my wanting to be friends again".
> Even though his side is understandable, just de-friending me and having me go all alone in the detachment felt like betrayal to me.
> 
> It was hard seeing him and my other friends hang out while i am stuck in the barracks or eating my meals alone all because he didn't like my company anymore, and I wasn't going to force myself either. I felt like i was a good friend too, i got him food when he was sick, i always replied to him and engaged in good conversations and regardless of what i said earlier, i felt like i did give a good amount of respectful space to him.
> ...


Did your kindness to him have strings attached to it (he needed to respond and do things the way you wanted him to) or was it done out of the kindness of your heart with no expectations?


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How did it get to someone assuming HE wasn't mature enough?
> At boot camp or additional training, where most are focusing on their just beginning military life?


Mainly because of the way he reacted to her after she told him that she liked him. He could have just said.. I am flattered but I am not interested in a relationship right now as I am focusing on boot camp.. and then acted as before. But he made it awkward. She is also being immature by continuing to question and pursue him. I am glad that he responded to her and that she sees that as closure so that SHE moves on.


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## ciscad (Jan 4, 2022)

I think I am just going to avoid him for the next 3 weeks just for my own sake, i'm not saying i'm going to go in "love" again if i see him, but there is a lot of pain and anger now in me just looking at him based on how degraded i made myself be emotionally over this. The text i got was closure.. i didn't reply, the text he gave was just 4-5 words long and I think that is good enough.

If he initiates the conversation then i'm just going to be honest, im not going to talk to him as if i want to be friends again but regardless of him having "his rights", i do have my rights as well in terms of being respected. The lesson i learned is to not allow to be flaked no matter who it is.

thanks everyone.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ciscad said:


> What happens if he initiates?


Nothing.



ciscad said:


> if he walks up and talks? Would any of you snub someone back, just like they did to you?


You exchange pleasantries and remove yourself.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I know you have your hopes up now, but he isn't really interested in you, and that isn't going to change. There are two scenarios why he texted. One is he felt a little guilty and wanted to feel better. * The other is after gossiping to people, some of his buddies said, Hey, you might as well just have sex with her. Then you'll never see her again anyway.*


Yeah, I have known guys that would do this... The logic being that you could get a quick lay, she'll think your a pig for not wanting to be bf/gf and she'll just go away...

This story kind of brings back an old memory,,,, There was a girl in HS, that would repeatedly help me with my school work, despite the fact that I never asked...I just thought she was being nice...She was a major nerd type, was the class valedictorian, and I was a jock and hung out with the popular crowd, but we were both in most of the AP classes together....For most of my junior year, without her help, I would have probably flopped those classes...Anyway, come summer vacation, and I get a call at home(this was the early 80's-no other way to communicate) from her friend to ask me if I would consider dating her, because she liked me, but did not have the nerve to ask...I politely said no, but thanks...and hung up the phone...Didn't think much about it afterward, but when we resumed classes in the fall, it was so weird I couldn't even look at her anymore...I felt terrible, even though technically I did nothing wrong. .Point is, like the OP, you just can't "go back" in that scenario...even if the other person says that they are cool with it....Whatever was can never be again....

I think it's the same deal, OP...The guy probably feels the same way I did...I don't think it could ever be the same, or even remotely the same, ever again...Just let it go....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hamadryad said:


> I think it's the same deal, OP...The guy probably feels the same way I did...I don't think it could ever be the same, or even remotely the same, ever again...Just let it go....


I can understand you feeling the way you did. I've had similar things happen with guys.

The difference between the OP's situation and yours is that the guy she is talking about then went about bad mouthing her to others. Based on what you said, I don't think you did that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Mainly because of the way he reacted to her after she told him that she liked him. He could have just said.. I am flattered but I am not interested in a relationship right now as I am focusing on boot camp.. and then acted as before. But he made it awkward. She is also being immature by continuing to question and pursue him. I am glad that he responded to her and that she sees that as closure so that SHE moves on.


It's pretty sure that is the message he did convey.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I can understand you feeling the way you did. I've had similar things happen with guys.
> 
> The difference between the OP's situation and yours is that the guy she is talking about then went about bad mouthing her to others. Based on what you said, I don't think you did that.


Did I miss it, where does she say he ran about bad mouthing her to others?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Did I miss it, where does she say he ran about bad mouthing her to others?





ciscad said:


> I later find out, he is telling our friend circle that I stare at him and it makes him uncomfortable, which is so untrue because I've been almost avoiding him as much as I could. I can't hang out with our friend circle anymore.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Thanks!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks!


The scary thing is this is detracting from service persons getting critical training in order to be successful in their military service which may save lives at some point.

Not casting blame on either side.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I know you have your hopes up now, but he isn't really interested in you, and that isn't going to change. There are two scenarios why he texted. One is he felt a little guilty and wanted to feel better.* The other is after gossiping to people, some of his buddies said, Hey, you might as well just have sex with her. Then you'll never see her again anyway.*


great view of men you have there, River.
Old boy told her he wasn’t interested. The opportunity to 4f her was there, he didn’t take it. All men aren’t bad. 

OP,
You did good not responding to the text. If he approaches, be cordial but not overly friendly and casually get out of the interaction.
And try not to overthink everything.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

David60525 said:


> Hey pronoun jockey- NO REASON TO BE RUDE YOU ...


OP didn’t seem offended and there was no offense meant, although after re-reading I suppose I was too blunt with my comment.
I’ll try to do better.

How did you know I ride my pronouns to victory with my short gray hair on my bald head, gloriously trailing behind me?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> great view of men you have there, River.
> Old boy told her he wasn’t interested. The opportunity to 4f her was there, he didn’t take it. All men aren’t bad.
> 
> OP,
> ...


You going to tell everybody who agreed with my post that same thing, Evinrude?


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