# Am I overreacting?



## Mur (Aug 17, 2009)

About two weeks ago my wife told me that she hasn't been happy in our relationship, there wasn't any substance, can't connect with me, I didn't have the qualities she needed, and that she's felt that way for a long time (few years) and has just been playing the part... This was a blow to me because I thought everything was going great except for the last month where she just seemed distant and not interested in me.

I recently discovered that my she has been emailing (several times a day), texting (as much as 50 a day), and having daily phone conversations with a male friend of hers that she hasn't spoken with for about 20 years. He's married too. He found her on an online site a couple months ago. Everything they were doing was all being kept a secret from me. I found out about it by reading the emails and looking at the phone logs.

From the emails I saw that they exchanged gifts (he's not local thank God) and he was planning to fly out and have breakfast with her. At first he was flying out for work and then when that fell through (his work trip was canceled) he decided to keep the flight to meet with her anyway.

The emails had her flirting with him, saying that she couldn't keep her mind off of him, etc... The same from him. She also said that he was the perfect guy. Basically a lot of what I would expect people to talk about during their first dates.

I confronted my wife with it and asked who she knew at phone number xxx-xxx-xxxx. She said that it was an old (female) friend of hers from a long time ago. I told her that she was lying to me and needed to tell me the truth. She continued to lie. I told her who it was and that I knew it was that person (the male friend). She admitted it and said that he was just a friend and that she didn't want to tell me because I'm insecure and would get jealous over nothing. I asked her if they exchanged gifts or if she was planning to meet with him and she said no (again more lies). I didn't tell her at that point that I knew anything more than the phone logs and simply asked that she stopped communicating with him. She said that she would and called him that day to say that she could not talk with him anymore.

I noticed later that day that she changed the password on the email account at which point I asked her again if she was planning to meet with him and asked her how far she was thought it would have gone with him. She again lied and said no they weren't going to meet and that I was being ridiculous and insecure. Then I told her I knew about it all. The gifts, the planned meet up, the emails, etc... She then admitted to it and flirting a little and the lying but, that was it. She didn't feel that other than that she did anything wrong and that I was just over reacting about the whole thing and she was upset because I invaded her privacy.

I feel like she was having an online affair and I can't trust her and can't believe anything she tells me... I'm can't believe that if she thought there were issues in our relationship that she 1) didn't tell me about it and 2) started up this thing with an old fried of hers... Am I overreacting?


----------



## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

No, you are not overreacting. She is at least starting an emotional affair. She lied, lied, and lied again. She is giving the affection/attention that she should be giving to you to another man. She was flirting with him and planning to meet with him. Changing the email password after your initial conversation proves she was trying to cover her tracks. 

She has shown through her actions that she doesn't deserve your trust. At this point you would have to be a fool to respect her privacy.


----------



## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

No, you are not over reacting..This is called an Emotional Affair which from the sounds of things, woulda led to something more have you not came inbetween. I think both you and your wife should see a marriage counselor. Seein how she has changed her passwords, she doesnt intend on ending the friendship with the other man, and chances are she still plans on meeting up with him, my best advice would be is to install a hidden keylogger on to the pc, it records all her keystrokes, it can also be password blocked incase she discovers its on there. Hope my advice helps, keep posting here, im sure theres some good advice headed your way. Hope it all works out for you.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, this is an emotional affair (EA) and she is playing with fire. If she wants to save the marriage, she must stop all communication with him and freely give you all her passwords and full access to her phone, etc. She has broken trust by lying to you and by allowing this type of relationship to develop.

Having said that, you need to consider what was missing in the marriage that she let this relationship develop in the way it did. This is not saying it is "your" fault. But a happily married person does not just "fall" into an EA. It develops b/c s/he lets it. Perhaps the two of you should get marriage counseling.

Be prepared, too, if she does not know what she wants to do or if she says, to heck with the marriage. There is no telling what direction it will go, but you must be prepared. Best of luck!


----------



## Mur (Aug 17, 2009)

Thank you for the feedback. We are planning to go to marriage counseling and I hope that it will work out with us. I still love her soo much. We have been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids together. At the same time though I know it will take both of us to make it work and it doesn't seem that she wants it to work as much as I do. I let her know last night that I really wanted it to work out and asked her what her thoughts were and she said that it wasn't a good time to ask her about it. She did say that she would want it to work out for the kids sake...


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

She is under the impression its up to others to make her happy.


which is not the way it is....


----------



## Mur (Aug 17, 2009)

It's been about 10 months since my first post on this thread. We went through the marriage counseling and she is going through counseling on her own right now. None of it seems to have helped at all and it all seems hopeless right now. 

She's said the only reason she's still in the marriage is for the kids but, that she doesn't have any feelings for me at all. A few months ago she started taking the stance that she can't remember ever having feelings for me for the 16+ years of our marriage. She claims that we got married young and she didn't know what she was thinking and that it was just teenage infatuation. I was/am crushed by this that she would just devalue everything. I asked her about all of the cards she got me over the years (father's day, anniversary, etc...) and how she had always written in them in detail about how great of a husband and father I was. Her answer to that was that she struggled to write those because it wasn't how she really felt...

She's said that she sees me trying and sees a difference in the last year but, that she has built up resentment towards me over the years and doesn't know if she will ever be able to drop her wall and make a connection with me.

I'm really struggling right now to keep trying to make this work and am right on the edge of calling it quits. The more we go through this the more I feel like I don't want to be with her. I liked the person that I thought I was married to but, apparently that was all fake. 

It's a major roller coaster, and each time we hit bottom I feel like I'm taking on more weight making it harder to go up. It feels to me like no matter what I try it will never be enough, that she is not being fair in her assessments of me and my involvement with her and the kids, and frustrated at being told that what I thought we had at some point was really nothing at all. 

I've heard of the "I love you but, I'm not in love with you any more" but, this seems like it's "I live with you but, I've never been in love with you before". 

Any advice or words of wisdom?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds to me as though she just doesn't care. Whether she ever did or not could be debated forever, and you may never have a true answer on that. I would say, based on her saying she may never be able to connect with you, and your feelings of verging on giving up and not wanting to be with her, it might be best to at least separate for a while. See how you each feel while on your own without each other. That whole "don't know what you've got til it's gone" theory. She may come to realize then that you can't be toyed with and that she does indeed love you very much and wants to connect and make it work. Or you both may discover that you feel a huge relief and are much happier apart. It will be hard on your kids, yes, but honestly, I think having 2 happy parents, whether together or apart, is going to be much better for them, too, in the long run. Good luck!


----------



## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

Mur sounds like my wife. We have been married 15 years have a 7 year old daughter and the last two years have been a rollercoaster ride from hell. Wife told me she loves me but not in love anymore and maybe has felt this way for many years. Yes what about all the cards of how much she loves me. So last october she tells me she wants to seperate but, wants to wait until after holidays for our daughter sake well, so in january she leaves goes to her moms house then in april i receive a later in the mail that she wrote saying she wants a divorce. I felt like throughing up i could not believe this woman i have spent 15 years of my live with wants to end this marriage and not even try to work it out. So the day before my birthday she sends me a text and ask me if she drops the divorce papers off on my birthday would i sign them. I text her back and sed well thats a hell of a birthday present she said i'm sorry go ahead and wait untill the next day but, its not going to be any eazier. Mur your right it does take both parties to make it work and i've tried talking to her, started going to church and that is the only thing that gets me through the day. I watched a movie monday night called fireproof and when she calls tonite to talk to our daughter i'm going to ask her if she will please come over friday night and watch it with me. I't is a good movie with a great message talks about a couple who are going through a divorce. I believe everything happens for a reason and for some reason i pushed the guide button 10 min before it was to start. So i'm praying that she comes and watches it and something changes her mind. Mur it does get better but, theirs alot of uphill claims in between. Good luck!


----------

