# Seeking the truth killed all that I treasured!



## LadyJayne4u

A wife of 28 years, a mother of one, I use to believe that there was no deed or wrong doing, no hurt or betrayal, there was nothing that together we couldn’t fix or heal. I had considered it all, infidelity, lies, you name it, I had full confidence that if we were honest and remorseful, any thing could be overcome! That in the end, we would be stronger for it! And that is exactly what I had been prepared to do, work through, and forgiveness would heal it all and we could rebuild a stronger marriage inspite of it all. 

Only problem was, he denied me of it. After years of betrayal, denials, accusations, and lies, even after PI confirmed his infidelity, he insisted it was a lie. His explanations were numerous, my computer was hacked, my phone was hacked, your paranoid, crazy, pathetic , emotionally needy. This lover and soul mate of mine, now treated me like the enemy, was cold, neglectful, distant, and blamed me. After years of truth seeking, with obvious proof, still he denied, lied and then again blamed me. 

There would never come a time when all is said and done that he would return to me, seek to repair our marriage and allow for forgiveness. Even our son one day asked him why he was so obviously distant and lacked affection for me. He was 10 at the time. That was when I had to admit it wasn’t in my head, that he had no intentions of confessing or changing his ways. All my seeking, all my questioning, all my searching for proof, no matter what it was, would ever be enough for him to man up, be honest, act right, be faithful and in the end, seek to return to our marriage. 

Even after the Hickey on his neck , the brush burn to his back, the used condoms under his truck seat, late night calls, texts on his phone and lies about where he had been. All of it caused fights. As long as I didn’t ask, as long as I looked the other way, he could continue. So, I finally did that,what I never thought I could, I stopped all of it. I didn’t ask, I didn’t question or seek answers or explanations anymore. I no longer needed to. I knew. So I kept the peace. A year later I realized just how much damage was done to us. 

Sure he came home at night , called during the day, I smiled at the dinner table. But deep down, I let go, of him , of us, of hope that we could ever be what we once were. Now I’m hopeless, I’m numb, and there’s only loss. I know that it’s over between us even though we are married and go through the motions. I no longer blame myself, and even though he says he loves me , his words are empty. I no longer seek the truth, I have my truth, but in the end, it wasn’t what I thought it would mean, the chance at forgiveness and a rebuilding of my lost marriage. Now, I quietly sit , day by day and watch it’s destruction without a fight. Without words or panic, without hesitation. I welcome the inevitable, and it’s final ending


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## Torninhalf

I am so sorry for the pain you are in Ladyjane...I am new here myself so I will stand back and let the veterans help you. I just wanted to let you know how much your story mirrors mine and I am truly sorry. I will just say if the infidelity isn't out in the open it most likely will never end. Please take care of yourself.


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## FeministInPink

@LadyJayne4u What he has been doing, in addition to the infidelity, is abusing you both emotionally and psychologically. He has been gaslighting you for years, and he has also been blameshifting.

You say that your marriage is over, but it looks like you are still living as husband and wife. What are you planning to do, now that you have come to this realization?

ETA: And I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sucks, plain and simple.


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## Rowan

It was _not_ seeking the truth that killed your marriage. 

It was cheating, lying, blame shifting and gas lighting that killed your marriage. And that was all him.


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## BluesPower

I am sorry that you are here. Everyone will do there best to help you. 

So paragraphs are your friend BTW. 

In the end are you saying that you are filing for divorce? Because unfortunately you need to. 

How long has this been going on? I wish you would have gotten here sooner. 

Where are things now, except that you feel horrible...

You know, none of this is your fault, you realize that I am sure...


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## EleGirl

I added paragraphs to make your post easier to read.


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## Marc878

Sotty for you. You held on to hope way too long.

He is who he is.


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## 2ntnuf

Don't sit around and wait. Protect yourself as much as you can. Seek out the advice of an attorney. You don't have to divorce, but don't be naïve. He can and may hurt you further, if he thinks that's what it will take for you to file, instead of him. He can't file, or he'll have to explain. If he forces you to do something stupid, he will have his excuses.


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## oldshirt

One of the things you will learn quickly as you read these threads and posts by the wise members of these forums is that cheating is primarily a character flaw and bad character of the cheaters themselves. In other words, they are not decent people. They do not think, feel act or react the way a normal, decent person would. In the end, they only care about themselves and fulfilling their own whims and desires without regard to the harm they bring to others. 


Your only failing here is in thinking that he will do the right thing and behave as a good person would. 

One of the best things you can do is give up hope that he will wake up one day and become a good person. Trust that he sucks and trust that he will always do what suits him best regardless of what he may say.


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## oldshirt

LadyJayne4u said:


> After years of truth seeking, with obvious proof, still he denied, lied and then again blamed me.
> 
> All my seeking, all my questioning, all my searching for proof, no matter what it was, would ever be enough for him to man up, be honest, act right, be faithful and in the end, seek to return to our marriage.
> 
> Even after the Hickey on his neck , the brush burn to his back, the used condoms under his truck seat, late night calls, texts on his phone and lies about where he had been. All of it caused fights.


It's pointless to try to prove to him that he is cheating - he already knows 1,000 times more about his cheating than you ever will. 


The only proof you need is what it will take to see the light yourself.


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## sunsetmist

He is a serial cheater and compulsive liar. IMO: You have not had a 'marriage' for some time. You should not ever have had to feel like you needed to be the infidelity police. You are likely a convenient barrier that he uses to keep distance from his mistresses/ *****s. He has no respect for you--his behavior toward you shows NO love either. Hope you have been tested for STD's. Could he have children that you don't know about? Another family even?

I'm glad you have been able to disconnect. To me, there is nothing you could have done to salvage this mess. I think you, for some reason, have been slow to get to where you are now. Your past dream for your future is hopeless, but i pray that you find strength and leave. If nothing else, set an example for your son that husband's behavior is unacceptable. 

You have years ahead than can be so much better. (I divorced after 25+ years.) Please see a lawyer.


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## sunsetmist

What is the 180?

The 180 is for YOU. It’s not to win back your cheater, but to make you strong--getting on with your life without regard to what the cheater is doing. Don’t try to speak truth to stupid, do this instead. Take care of yourself.

This is a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180:

1. Do not beg, reason, chase, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.


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## Adelais

I can feel your sadness through your writing. Broken promises hurt. Gaslighting and blameshifting from the one we love hurts to the core. It destroys trust and security even more than the actual adultery does.

What you thought you had is gone. Perhaps it never was real, he just convinced you to believe his lies from the beginning.

Do not have sex of any kind with him again. You can get an STD from him. 

Get a full panel test for STDs.

Speak with a lawyer and learn your rights. Why stay with him any longer than you have to?


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