# Emotions regarding ex



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi all.

I really didn't know where to put this...

I have been married five years. Had some rocky times, but have been in a really good place since a big crisis about a year ago.

My ex contacted my sister on Facebook and now they're friends. He asked about me and my sis was (thankfully) quite vague. But it brought stuff up for me... 

I don't have romantic feelings for my ex, but we were both really messed up and did and said some not nice stuff to eachother. I left him in the end and if I could go back I would have softened the blow... i was harsh and insensitive in how i went about it, and just wanting to escape myself from everything. He ended up ODing and then drove to my place after he woke up from the drugs and I had to call the cops. I had to end the friendship because he was messed up over me, and then he started turning up everywhere, at my workplaces, my house, stuffing presents through my door, calling my landline after i changed my mobile number. In the end I came really close to getting an AVO. Not cos he was violent but he wasn't respecting my boundary.

I kind of stuffed it all away, but the stuff that's coming up for me at the moment is... i saw a photo of him on his Facebook and it made me really sad... he seems like he's been through a really bad time over a period of years, and is starting to get his life on track now. I just felt really sad for him, i know it's not my fault because he had alot going on anyway, but i feel like i really messed him up and if he died that night that he ODed i would have had that on my conscience. 

And i thought... if he died tomorrow, i would feel really remorseful that I never said sorry to him, that i never meant to cause so much pain. My husband knew I was a bit upset yesterday when my sis contacted me at work about it, because i rang him and was almost crying on the phone. He doesn't really know why i'm up set, he probably just thinks i'm troubled that he's in contact with my family after the AVO stuff. I was thinking of talking to him and seeing if he would be okay if I sent my ex a letter or a message on Facebook making amends and saying sorry for all the pain I caused him in his life. On the other hand, maybe it's more about me, maybe i'm being selfish, because if i did that, would I just be ripping his heart open again and opening all this stuff up after he's been trying to heal? But then why is he in contact with my sister?

What do you guys think? Do you think it's not a good idea to contact an ex, even in the event that I do get my hubby's approval?

......

I had a big cry tonight because i just feel so awful that i caused so much pain for him and what seems to have been a several year breakdown

Would really like your thoughts...

QuietSoul


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Talk to your sister pronto. You know the sordid road that your Ex has travelled all too well. And you're totally justified in keeping your sister and your family out of harms way.

Have the heart-to-heart with her, but fully realize that "while you can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink!"

But talking to her about this ASAP is the order of the day!


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

This all happened recently and you have not yet processed all of the emotions yet about him resurfacing. Your first feeling is remorse and sadness over how the relationship ended and that is what you are basing your currenting thinking on. Give it a few more days or even a week. Start thinking about the negatives he brought into your life during that time. It's likely your need to reach out and apologize will dissipate. And do you really want to open that can of worms? Just because you are happily married and it "appears" that he has moved on in his life (don't believe everything you see on facebook) doesn't mean that he won't lick up the crumbs you throw his way. He might want more and more. Not a risk I'd be willign to take. And it makes me wonder why he reached out to your sister? Was it his backdoor attempt to getting to you? 

In my opinion, what's done is done. It sounds like he did you more harm than you did him. Leave well enough alone. You have a wonderful man now and bringing your ex back into your life, even just for a day, could be very upsetting to him and to your relationship. 

Just my humble opinion, of course.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

No let it go. Not fair to your husband to even ask him the question. 

Plus you might be opening the door to a sympathy affair. Or you could put your family in danger.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd let it go. If he's in a better place now, he doesn't need the past dredged up and neither do you. You've both moved on so keep it that way.

Apology letters are hardly ever taken the way they are intended. He'll end up thinking you still have feelings for him, or that you want to hear from him. And he'll want to reply, etc. So don't. If he's in a better place, then he already understands that both of you did things to be sorry for. No need to remind him how much that time in both your lives sucked.

Be respectful to your husband. Most people don't like their wives reaching out to exes. Very little good comes of it and there's potential for hurting your husband's feelings.

If you feel guilty and want to make amends, do some volunteer work and add some good to the world. If you're just trying to clear your conscience, forget it.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

WOW, QuietSoul...for a split second, I thought I wrote that post!!! Your situation mirrors a similar one I had. I, too, was coupled with someone toxic, we were bad for each other, but the passion and drama were alive and well for quite some time. I, too, left him. Cruelly, might I add. And then strung him along for years after that. 

This happened when I was 18-22ish. The night I broke up with him (via email) he ended up with alcohol poisoining. Beyond that, I knew I wasn't in love with him, but I did care ABOUT him/for him and still loved having sex with him. When we were dating, he "quit his job for me" (I never asked him to do that, it's craziness) he also dropped out of college "to spend time with me." Again...I never asked. 

I don't have the time to go into how toxic it all was...but, I know EXACTLY how you feel about reaching out to your ex. About a week before I got married (nearly 5 years ago) I got an email from my ex...first time I'd heard from him in many years. It was a bit rambling, but nothing out of line...basically, he just wanted to see what was going on with me. I didn't respond until a year later...I didn't know how to tell him I was married, that I was happier without him, etc. 

But, the reason I responded was because 1) I was never able to put my guilt over how I treated him to rest 2) I needed to apologize. I had to. My husband actually knows my ex (we're from a small town) and he also knows the ridiculous trials of that relationship. I would talk about it with him openly and when I finally said to my husband "I just never told him how sorry I am for what I did to him." My husband just said "THEN DO IT!!!" 

So, I did exactly that. Just sent a facebook message that summed up everything I was feeling. He responded politely, told me I didn't have to be sorry, he always wanted the best for me, etc. And that was it. There was no "becoming friends" there was no talk of "Oh, we should hang out." Just closure. 

I'm sure a lot of people will advise you to just move on. But I personally know the pains of a past relationship that just weighs on your heart and mind. If apologizing will help you move on, go for it (particularly with hubby's permission.) But BEWARE...opening that door could be taken as an invitation for rekindling by someone like your ex. 

Good luck, my dear! Hope you get what you're looking for!


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Oh, and I also wanna add, (without knowing the specifics of exactly how cruel you were to your ex) he's a big boy and is responsible for his own actions. YOU didn't make him OD...a fully-functioning person doesn't do stuff like that. You make actually need to forgive yourself too!


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Let it go. No good can come from reconnecting no matter how well intentioned you might be.

Send him love cosmically, spiritually not on FB or any other place.


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

I am THAT guy. 

Do NOT and I mean do NOT contact him. That would be completely selfish of you.

Being in his same position, it took me years to pick up the pieces. The last thing I want is to hear from "her" after the emotional and spiritual destruction that she caused.

Leave him be. Please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> I am THAT guy.
> 
> Do NOT and I mean do NOT contact him. That would be completely selfish of you.
> 
> ...


Hey there! Honest question for you here: If she really wanted to apologize to you for the pain she caused, it would just have a counter effect for you?


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> Hey there! Honest question for you here: If she really wanted to apologize to you for the pain she caused, it would just have a counter effect for you?


Being completely honest... An apology would not give me back the years I spent an emotional and spiritual disaster. I would see her apology as another selfish move to make her come to peace with herself. It would do nothing for me.

I think you owe it to him to leave him be. You did what you did and he has come a long way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> Being completely honest... An apology would not give me back the years I spent an emotional and spiritual disaster. I would see her apology as another selfish move to make her come to peace with herself. It would do nothing for me.
> 
> I think you owe it to him to leave him be. You did what you did and he has come a long way..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes sense to me, I totally see where you're coming from. 

Another question (regarding the OP's original statement): why do you suppose dude reached out to her sister? Think he's trying to re-establish a connection? (OP, you can answer that question too!)


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> That makes sense to me, I totally see where you're coming from.
> 
> Another question (regarding the OP's original statement): why do you suppose dude reached out to her sister? Think he's trying to re-establish a connection? (OP, you can answer that question too!)


That may be possible. Could be curiosity and it could be him just being pleasant with her family.

Personally, I have no grudge against her family. They were always very good to me. I would say hello to them if I ever saw them.

Every situation is unique.. But I stand firm on this one. No contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> That may be possible. Could be curiosity and it could be him just being pleasant with her family.
> 
> Personally, I have no grudge against her family. They were always very good to me. I would say hello to them if I ever saw them.
> 
> ...


Every situation is totally unique, that's very true. Again, I completely understand where you're coming from!

And I still stand by my opinion, too! We're sure helpful, huh?


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> Every situation is totally unique, that's very true. Again, I completely understand where you're coming from!
> 
> And I still stand by my opinion, too! We're sure helpful, huh?


Absolutely! Lol

But seriously, think about it. Who did your apology ultimately benefit? You? Or him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> Absolutely! Lol
> 
> But seriously, think about it. Who did your apology ultimately benefit? You? Or him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I've thought about it plenty!! I sincerely think it benefitted both of us. As I said, though, WE were a toxic couple. He did me some serious wrong, as well. But as I got older, I looked back in utter shame at the way I did him, too. So I know initially reaching out to apologize came from a selfish place (basically cause I wanted to move on with my life...but I also wanted to let him know I was happy...something he said he'd always wanted for me.) And on the other hand, I very, truly, sincerely wanted him to know I regretted the way I went about things...that I knew I couldn't take any of it back, but just hoped he knew I wanted the best for him, hoped he was happy, etc etc. 

And his response was really pretty simple. Who knows, he could have been sobbing and cutting himself while he was writing it (that's how he acted when we were together, anyway) but he said he appreciated it and he did want to see me happy and was glad I was and he also apologized for a lot of the sh** he put me through. 

I guess, really, even a little beyond apologizing, it was our "official" good bye. Just helped putting those demons to bed, I dunno. 

I feel like in OP's case it's just a tiny bit different cause he's the one reaching out, asking about her. I mean...maybe beyond an apology the dude just needs some closure too?


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't know if I'd consider that "reaching out"?? 

Besides, what details do you think he would be interested in hearing? You're married? Have kids? Have a new kitten named Tobey?

It's time to show him that you care by doing the least selfish thing you could do.. And at this moment, that means leaving him alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> I don't know if I'd consider that "reaching out"??
> 
> Besides, what details do you think he would be interested in hearing? You're married? Have kids? Have a new kitten named Tobey?
> 
> ...


I dunno, is it possible that hearing all that stuff could actually HELP him move on? If he hasn't, that is. Who knows what's going on in his mind. 

(And I'm not trying to be an instigator or thread-hijacker here...I just think it's interesting that we have two very distinctive sides of the story!)


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I really think that your current husbands feeling should be strongly taken into account here, and am kind of baffled as to why the ex's feelings are being held in such high regard and her husbands feelings have barely been mentioned.


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> I dunno, is it possible that hearing all that stuff could actually HELP him move on? If he hasn't, that is. Who knows what's going on in his mind.
> 
> (And I'm not trying to be an instigator or thread-hijacker here...I just think it's interesting that we have two very distinctive sides of the story!)


Nobody knows what he is thinking.. But being THAT guy, I can hypothesize and sympathize. 

I think this debate is interesting and healthy for the OP to consider. 

My story is one made for the movies... But all in all, being on the receiving end of this mess.. The only thing that would truly "fix" the situation would be getting all those years back. That.. And seeing my ex for the master manipulator that she was earlier in the game.

Don't worry. No bitterness here 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

QS, I think you're first loyalty and thought should be with your husband. I would talk to him about this situation. Then, I would also talk to your sister. It may not be healthy for either of you for her to be FB friends with your ex. Whether you write an apology or not, this decision should be made with your husband's knowledge. If you write to your ex w/o your husband's knowledge, how will he feel? If your husband discusses this with you and gives you the green light, at least you will be a united couple if there is anymore stalker-like behavior. First step, talk to your H.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It is quite possile her husband will say he's ok with this, and on some level, I'm sure he will be but bringing this up with him will not fill him with warm fuzzies. He may be ok with it in the sense that it doesn't cross any marital boundaries, but once the subject is brought up, the OP had damn well better go above and beyond helping her husband be secure with this.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I just don't see how this can possibly be fair to the husband. And what will it really accomplish with the ex? It won't bring them back together. 

Forgive yourself, forget about the ex, and focus on your marriage.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> Nobody knows what he is thinking.. But being THAT guy, I can hypothesize and sympathize.
> 
> I think this debate is interesting and healthy for the OP to consider.
> 
> ...


I would LOVE to hear more of your movie story!! Drama intrigues me, I must admit! And thank you for engaging me in this healthy debate! 

Also, OP, everyone else is right...you do need to talk about this with your husband. At the very least, if he knows you AND your past relationship woes, he could actually give a good opinion on what you should do. Never know till you ask!!


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> I would LOVE to hear more of your movie story!! Drama intrigues me, I must admit! And thank you for engaging me in this healthy debate!
> 
> Also, OP, everyone else is right...you do need to talk about this with your husband. At the very least, if he knows you AND your past relationship woes, he could actually give a good opinion on what you should do. Never know till you ask!!


Plasma, think about it. You contacted your ex and apologized... Where does that leave you?

You got closure. You ultimately controlled the end result years ago. You got everything you wanted.

Him?........?

Btw, I don't mind sharing my made for Hollywood disaster but probably not so much on the public board. You never know what ex-gf's might be lurking about 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I just don't see how this can possibly be fair to the husband. And what will it really accomplish with the ex? It won't bring them back together.
> 
> Forgive yourself, forget about the ex, and focus on your marriage.


*NutritionFacts likes this*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> Plasma, think about it. You contacted your ex and apologized... Where does that leave you?
> 
> You got closure. You ultimately controlled the end result years ago. You got everything you wanted.
> 
> ...


OK, now I really feel like we're hijacking this thread. I would love to hear your story and answer this extremely poignant question...I'm gonna PM ya!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It makes my skin crawl every time my SO has anything to do with her ex, though it is tolerable. I am well aware of much of their past and I know nothing is going to ever happen again, and I am very secure in that, but she has expressed regret with how she handled some things and hearing about it does not make me feel good at all. 

She needs to talk to her husband before anything else as her marriage to him should be more important than any sense of closure with her ex. That is something that should have been taken care of a long time ago, and it's not fair for her husband to have to pick up those pieces. She needs to be very observant and at the first sign of discomfort, she needs to be willing to scrap the whole idea of any kind of contact. This is something that has to be dealt with very carefully, because it is something that could totally blow up her marriage if handled poorly.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi all.

Thanks for your thoughts on this issue. And no, you didn't hijack, reading that discussion between people of different viewpoints is really helpful actually 

Just to be clear... if I were to seriously consider approaching my ex to make amends, apologise, or have any contact at all, I would definitely discuss it with my husband and would only do it if i had his consent. I know i wouldn't be too impressed if he contacted his exes for whatever reason without bringing it up with me first.

I was a mess last night when I wrote this. Have been feeling bleh today, but feeling a bit more level headed tonight.

After he contacted my sister and she notified me, I blocked him after peeking at his Facebook. Even the fact I peeked at his FB i don't know if my hubby would be happy about that. I need to settle for a couple of days and have a chat with him...

As to where i'm at about whether or not i feel it is helpful or detrimental to approach my ex...

Plasma and Nutrition, both of you raise very good points.

At this point, I do feel I am leaning towards Nutrition's position... even if i have the best intentions in the world, it can still be selfish... he's obviously been through a hideous amount of pain for a matter of years, and even if i sent him that message, and even if he responded favourably and appeared to be happy to hear from me and responded in a way that indicates he is appreciative, it could be shortlived... it could just be followed by it all coming back up for him again.

A bit about our history... i was young and naive, he was messed up... he was 23 and a total porn/sex addict, I was 17 and a virgin. He was a big pot head, i had smoked before but started smoking regularly when we got together, which quickly resulted in a drug induced psychosis and panic disorder. I managed to recover but it was the scariest thing i have ever been through. I have never been the same since then, and i have a permanent condition that i have never managed to shake. 

While we were together, i was in the sex industry (not quite a prostitute, but i will decline to elaborate...). The only thing he didn't like was that i was making money for seemingly nothing.

We both cheated on each other. More so me than him. And it near killed me, i felt so bad about what i was doing, and that impacted on my depression which was already really bad.

He would do stuff to me in my sleep, even...erm... penetrate. I use to flip out at him and cry heaps, other times i would just feel really numb, like i just didn't care what happened to me. That was part of what made me go in the sex industry, because i thought, stuff like that is inevitable, at least i can get paid for it

We use to fight heaps, particularly during our darker times. 

AAAAAAHhhhhh okay i'm going to bed... that's a bit of background anyway...

Thanks again for your responses, i look forward to reading more, and will let you know what transpires in the next few days

QuietSoul


----------

