# Is it abuse, or am I being sensitive?



## DPM92 (7 mo ago)

Good evening everybody. I’m hoping for some opinion on my current issue and any help will be appreciated. 

Background for context:
I’ve been in my current relationship since January 2009 and married since August 2012. We have three children. In August 2014 I slept with another woman whilst away from home after receiving a very aggressive “I hate you and want a divorce” sort of phone call. This is my only moment of infidelity to date. She has also had a similar experience as well as having close encounters with other men. These are all very far back in the past and we have both come to terms with this and have since been happy(ish) together - more to follow.

So the main reason I’m here today is this - (and in addition to the context piece, I have read a lot on domestic abuse, I work for a policing body and I am an instructor on domestic abuse to other police personnel).

There have been times in my marriage where I have been attacked physically and verbally. I have been punched in the face whilst driving down the motorway at 70mph, I have had solid wooden ornaments thrown at my head causing bleeding, I have had a knife held to my throat and I have had my face clawed causing a deep scratch which very lightly scarred. The punching and slapping has been the most often used method with the other things being one-offs. At the time I feel hurt, but when I look back on it, including now as I write this, part of me feels like it is nothing and I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive about it. I feel like I want it to affect me more emotionally just because otherwise I feel like I’m just kidding myself about it actually being an issue.

On the emotional side of things, I know that there have been times where I’ve felt like I’ve been abused but again, looking back on it I can’t help but feel that maybe I’m being sensitive again and actually it is nothing. A frequent thing in my marriage is my wife blaming me for her shortcomings/failure in life. She was at university and threw away her last placement which resulted in her failing her last year and therefore not receiving her degree. I bent over backwards for this. I sacrificed my social life and my work prospects to be home to care for the children whilst she did her university work, but often she would not turn up to her placement or put off doing her work. When it started falling apart, I would tell her what she needed to do and she would respond with things like ‘do not tell me what to do. You are not in control of me. The reason it is like this in the first place is because of you and your work and your lack of support’.
I have also been belittled and criticised for various things including a new founded religion (since 2019) and my abilities as a father (and I’d like to say that I go above and beyond for my children and give them a great life).

I think my wife has a lot of problems of her own which I try to help with, but she tells me there is nothing wrong and becomes aggressive and angry when I mention it. She is a ridiculous spender. For example, since being paid less than one week ago she has already spent over £400 on Amazon for things which are non-essential items. When I address this and ask her to be careful with money (note: I am not telling her to not spend money) she tells me I am controlling and trapping her. She is also neurotic and most situations with any form of interaction or pressure will cause her to become angry and requires me to step in as she cannot cope. I don’t know how to best explain this part, but I just feel like she cannot operate independently with a lot of daily responsibilities.

Every time I try to talk to her about my problems and tell her I’m upset, she will tell me that I’m ‘just trying to play victim’ and she’ll then go on to explain why I am the problem in it all.

I don’t want this to sound like a one-sided complaint by me, but I can honestly say that I’ve done what I can in my marriage. I’m not perfect, but I do what I can to be a good husband and father but I feel so deflated and lifeless, but I’m always thinking ‘am I just being sensitive’ and should I ‘man up’ like I’m told to all the time.

I’m finding myself wanting to divorce, and then something changes in her dynamic and I settle back in to married routine because the bad bits are gone, but there are things that linger in my head that I can’t shift. The other issue for divorce is that she would be left with nothing and she would take the kids and I couldn’t have my children or her living an uncomfortable life style. With the increased cost of living, it wouldn’t be feasible to pay for two places to live, two food shops, clothing bills etc. we don’t own a house. 

There’s so much more to what I’ve said, but it’s hard to type all this and think straight and clearly as I feel somewhat embarrassed having to ask strangers for insight.

Please, if anybody can give me anything that will give me a bit of hope I’d be grateful. Thank you


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

seems to me you have kids to think of and it is not good for them to see if they see this ,and even if they don't see kids are not stupid , 
your wife needs real help from a pro and not someone that is just chancing his arm, 
yes I know how you feel about divorce but it is often better than seeing mother and dad fighting or even just living in the same house like strangers,


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife is a nasty person who punches you, slaps you, claws you, throws heavy objects at you, and held a knife on you. 

Your wife is a nasty person who belittles you, criticizes you, is angry, aggressive, combative, an overspender, a blamer, and can't handle life in an adult manner.

Look into divorce. There can be a way to make it work.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Usually I draw the line at putting me in a guillotine but holding a knife to my throat is tolerable.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Abuse is intentionally causing someone pain, anguish or distress in order to inflict pain, anguish or distress.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

DPM92 said:


> There have been times in my marriage where I have been attacked physically and verbally. I have been punched in the face whilst driving down the motorway at 70mph, I have had solid wooden ornaments thrown at my head causing bleeding, I have had a knife held to my throat and I have had my face clawed causing a deep scratch which very lightly scarred. The punching and slapping has been the most often used method with the other things being one-offs.


Put on your police instructor hat. If somebody reported the above to you, if your response is anything other than the aggressor who is doing the punching, throwing, knife wielding & slapping should be criminally prosecuted, you best give up your teaching position & start taking classes about domestic abuse. 

Get a divorce Get some therapy to figure out why you put up with this & the generalized non-violent disrespect for so long. Then move forward & build a life without her.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Starting to think of yourself as a victim of abuse as a man is very crippling because you avoid taking any responsibility for your part. At the end of the day you're the man. Your wife can't tie you up and throw you in the trunk. You're consenting to what she's doing to you by not saying no or setting boundaries. And that's exactly what you need to fix to make things better.

What on earth are you doing in response to your wife punching you in the head when you're driving 70mph? Pull the car over, look her straight in the eye and tell her if you ever do that again I am going to divorce you and leave you with nothing, and mean it when you say it. 

You have to understand that when you let your wife walk all over you it exacerbates her anxiety x10. Provide a strong, stable household for her and she'll want to have sex with you instead of punch you in the head.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why not talk to her about you both going to anger management. Maybe she'll go if you'll go. Once people find out why they lose it, they're a little more self-conscious about letting themselves lose it.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Get divorced... For your children's sake.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why not talk to her about you both going to anger management. Maybe she'll go if you'll go. Once people find out why they lose it, they're a little more self-conscious about letting themselves lose it.


Oh please. They BOTH need do go? Not!!!! 
This woman is a heinous abuser. She's not a child who needs to be coerced into swimming lessons or something (daddy will swim WITH you!).

Call it like it is. Wife, you are a violent abuser and need to take anger management classes.

But I'm divorcing you anyway. The classes are so you can have 50/50 custody of the kids.


----------



## csj77 (May 6, 2018)

You are NOT consenting to what she’s doing in any way. You are NOT responsible for her actions.
Yes, she is abusing you and you need to get away from her. You’ll need therapy probably to deal with what she’s been doing, but don’t allow her to raise her hands to you one more time.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, I can't figure out your problem, but it's YOU. It's within yourself. If you haven't said that she puts you down as a father, I would of assumed that you were explaining about a two women relationship, where she's abusing another woman. But you stablished that you're a male therefore, all I can say it's that you are a weak man that hangup his man card somewhere in order for you to endure all the abuse, physical and emotional all this time.

As a man I tell you, a woman tries to abuse me physically, it would be the first and last time that she would try that with me, because I wouldn't put up with it for a moment, she would understand it right away, because I would just turn around and leave her and divorce her immediately. That's no way to live. 

You seem to lack self respect in order to be a punching bag. YOU have allowed her to treat you that way, therefore the problem is not her (she's who she is), the problem is YOU. You need to figure out why let your wife lose all respect for you, and have no fears when she attacks you. Dude, were you brought up in a household of females? No males to emulate? That could be a reason, if not, then you really need to figure it out.

DIVORCE. That's the answer because at this stage,she won't change.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DPM92 said:


> Good evening everybody. I’m hoping for some opinion on my current issue and any help will be appreciated.
> 
> Background for context:
> I’ve been in my current relationship since January 2009 and married since August 2012. We have three children. In August 2014 I slept with another woman whilst away from home after receiving a very aggressive “I hate you and want a divorce” sort of phone call. This is my only moment of infidelity to date. She has also had a similar experience as well as having close encounters with other men. These are all very far back in the past and we have both come to terms with this and have since been happy(ish) together - more to follow.
> ...


Your situation reminds me of a woman I used to know. She and her husband had a relationship similar to yours. She would tell us at work that their fights were really just them having some fun playing rough. Well one day she hit him in the head with one of those rotary dial phones. He died. She's till in prison serving her sentence for murder. His mother is raising their children.

Your reaction to domestic violence is pretty typical. The victims often just gloss over it for years. It often takes a tragedy for them to wake up. You need to get help in dealing with this.

Never, ever stay with a violent person. Your children are in danger as well.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your situation reminds me of a woman I used to know. She and her husband had a relationship similar to yours. She would tell us at work that their fights were really just them having some fun playing rough. Well one day she hit him in the head with one of those rotary dial phones. He died. She's till in prison serving her sentence for murder. His mother is raising their children.
> 
> Your reaction to domestic violence is pretty typical. The victims often just gloss over it for years. It often takes a tragedy for them to wake up. You need to get help in dealing with this.
> 
> Never, ever stay with a violent person. Your children are in danger as well.


Agreed. Physical violence is a line that can't be excused or crossed. There are not separate rules for men and women. It can even be manipulative when coming from a woman, daring the guy to strike back, forcing him to cross a line that basically represents the end-game in virtually any court.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sounds like you’re minimising it, yes you could be being abused.

Have you ever raised a hand or engaged in any of those behaviours as well?


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Is it abuse?

You have been attacked physically
You have been punched in the face
You have had solid wood objects thrown at your head
You have had a knife held to your throat
You have had your face clawed at
Everything on that list is physical abuse. How could it _possibly _be seen as anything else? 

In addition:

You have been attacked verbally
You are to blame for all shortcomings/failures 
You are belittled and criticized, and
Your wife gaslights and becomes abusive when you try to talk to her about her shortcomings/failures
The things on that list are emotional abuse, which can be less obvious at times but is abuse nonetheless. 

If you work with the police and instruct on domestic violence then you know that this is abuse. It is not you being "sensitive". If a woman came to you and asked if it was abuse if her husband did the above, what would your answer be? The same goes for men.

Regardless of sex and excluding consensual acts or self-defense, holding a knife to someone's throat is _always _abuse. Punching someone in the face is _always _abuse. Objects being thrown at your head is _always_ abuse. Having your face clawed at is _always _abuse. 

There is no "just being too sensitive". 



> The other issue for divorce is that she would be left with nothing and she would take the kids and I couldn’t have my children or her living an uncomfortable life style. With the increased cost of living, it wouldn’t be feasible to pay for two places to live, two food shops, clothing bills etc. we don’t own a house.


You said above that she will take the children. Is this actually true, or is it fear? It depends on where you live and sometimes the situation but it may not be true (though it's something a lot of men fear). 

As for money, it's not like your food bill and clothing bill would double. The kids can take clothes back and forth if needed, and you would each only be buying food for them while they are in each home. There may also be used clothing stores or "buy nothing" type groups to get free or traded items. There may also be government assistance available. It's something that you should spend some time looking into before saying divorce is impossible.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DPM92 said:


> Good evening everybody. I’m hoping for some opinion on my current issue and any help will be appreciated.
> 
> Background for context:
> I’ve been in my current relationship since January 2009 and married since August 2012. We have three children. In August 2014 I slept with another woman whilst away from home after receiving a very aggressive “I hate you and want a divorce” sort of phone call. This is my only moment of infidelity to date. She has also had a similar experience as well as having close encounters with other men. These are all very far back in the past and we have both come to terms with this and have since been happy(ish) together - more to follow.
> ...


Hell yes it is abuse. My wife hit me, she gonna be hit back. Woman wants to act like a man, she gonna get treated like a man!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You instruct the police on domestic abuse yet you can't see that your wife is a prime example of a dangerous violent abuser????
I honestly don't know what to say. Talk to one of your police colleagues about what you are putting up with and see what they say. 
Your children are being very damaged by this.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife hit me, she gonna be hit back.


Not a good plan.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Not a good plan.


No but I will not tolerate abuse and disrespect. She would never do that any way. I always told her if I ever do something that warrants a hit, she better punch and not slap, when slapped I loose my crap and would not want to cause serious injury.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It is abuse. As our society has become more secular, it is less acceptable to beat your wife. While most women appreciate being protected by law, there are some who will take advantage of that. They believe they can abuse men with no repercussion. But the idea behind that secular push was equality under the law. That means it’s just as illegal for her to assault you as it is for you to assault her. Women shouldn’t have to live in constant fear their husband will “snap” and beat them to death or worse. Neither should men. Report her to the police and get her away from your children. Your whole family is in danger and she needs to be punished just like a man who beats his wife should be punished. Losing her cool is not an excuse for violence. Adults should be able to control themselves.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

bobsmith said:


> Sorry, I don't know the country flag you have. What country are you in? See, in the USA, if you are a woman, you can beat a man nearly to death, then the man tries to defend, then the MAN goes to jail......
> 
> To be blunt, as soon as a woman touches me in a violent way, I am out. See ya, I can grab gears faster than any woman. Laws are such that men have no protection other than run, and we CAN run faster. GTFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any psycho that beats you while rolling down the road is just that and should be treated as such. You better roll the whole 9 getting her out of your life entirely and a guarantee you, you will STILL be dealing with her!!!!


It looks like he is in the UK because he used the £ symbol in 1st comment.


----------



## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

DPM92 said:


> On the emotional side of things, I know that there have been times where I’ve felt like I’ve been abused but again, looking back on it I can’t help but feel that maybe I’m being sensitive again and actually it is nothing.


It isn't nothing. Going through what you're going through just isn't unhealthy for you, it's also unhealthy for your children. Any abuse is crossing the line and while you don't want divorce, it'd be costly but worth it at this point.


----------



## DPM92 (7 mo ago)

Thank you every body for your responses. I genuinely mean it when I say that you’ve all given me clearer perspective on everything and it’s very helpful. Sorry for not saying so sooner, but I forgot my login details. A lot of the examples of physical violence I have aren’t continuous recurrent issues, but have just happened through the relationship. I’ve never been violent to my wife, so her actions have never been in self-defence or retaliation to anything I may have done. It’s difficult to say exactly what is going to happen next with it all, are living circumstances are very unique and moving forward isn’t as simple as it may be for others. But I am grateful for your help and points and I promise you all that i am better for having read every single post.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Look up Trauma Bond. 

Part of why you had to ask your question is that your brain/body is being fooled, at biological level. Your thoughts and feelings are not fully informed about what is going on. You need to figure out how to work around that skewed point of view.


----------

