# I'm I to blame



## ZMF (4 mo ago)

Hi everyone, I've never done anything like this but in all honesty I'm nearly at the end with it all.
Background:
My wife and I have known and been with each other close to 10 years. As many couples we've had our ups and downs, been close to calling quits but never fully (just once and it was for roughly 1 1/2 week. We have three kids which we love to its full extent. I've made mistakes and paid the price (for the record never cheated or did anything of the nature) all problems have mainly been on how things were approached and the course of action I've taken. Due to work commitments we had to be separated for awhile but all said and done that done.
Roughly over 3 years now there was been some things that have bothered me and I've spoken to her about it, at the least I am very verbal about it so no misunderstanding occur. There has been a huge lack of affection and love between us, no hugs, kisses, or anything; Ill even say that sex would not occur if it wasn't for me. I get excuses or rather there's always something why she basically leaves me hanging. I've spoken to her about, and she mentioned is just cause I'm not romantic, but how can I be romantic if she always rejects any effort I made. We don't leave in our hometown anymore so its usually just us, but when we go visit or have visitors, I make an honest attempt on taking her out on date. So much so that they're pre-planned and no longer a surprise, still on game-day it always end up been the same, a no-go due to "reasons"; which is why I've stopped making it a surprise. I do give her gifts and things of affection, I try to be her support and always one her side to better herself. But over this course of time everything seems one-sided and I get not effort from her. The only time I feel some effort would be on my birthday when she buys me gift, outside of that it'll be every so often but on gift giving only. Communication wise too if she's not "busy" keeping up with the house or talks regarding the kids/bills, we don't really talk or rather she doesn't attempt to. Majority of the time she's doing some type of chore around the house with her air pods on watching a show or something. Generally this is isn't bothersome, however, this has been the behavior/routine for the past years, just about everyday; even weekends when I don't work. I have a high sex-drive, this is something shes known and nothing has changed since we started dating regarding this matter. She used to too but since the birth of our kids shes changed. I completely understand and I don't press on it much, but I still want to do the deed so I do make attempts. Sometimes I can go with several attempts, all with failures. In a two/three week course I can make 21 attempts only 1 will land. During this time I'm always the one to initiate things, and when I attempt to do some form of foreplay she stays there, and honestly its feels more like she forces herself to get turn on and go with it. Recently when I go straight for foreplay she always make a remark like "yee how romantic" and when I've tried to be romantic she denies any advancement; she also, as I said before, just lays there while I do my business and it takes awhile to get a reaction out of her before she says "alright I'm ready". I don't know much how other would feel hearing that form your significant other, I have very thick skin and usually don't get bother by things like, but recently this mannerisms are starting to really really bother me. A couple days ago after days of attempting to have some "us" time, she finally agreed and when I initiated foreplay I was dealt with the same hand. So I asked her if she actually "wanted to" her reply was just "yea sure, I'm letting you". That didn't sit well with me and I stopped and called it a day. This got me thinking and I recognized that she's been it treating it like a chore, a checkmark if you will. So I don't know how to feel, I'm I to blame, I'm I overreacting/thinking. I honestly try to be everything her friend, support, and lover. I've given her everything to the best of my abilities but it all feels one-sided and it has for sometime know. I think I am at my endpoint. Honest impression she seems like she's not interested in me but doesn't want to call quits (for whatever reason she may have).I personally don't want to call quits mainly because of my kids (not the healthiest reason but I'm been honest, I'm scared of losing them), I know what I want in a relationship and this isn't it, so I don't know what to do. Any advice or thought anyone can give I'd appreciate it. Thank you.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You mentioned mistakes that you have made. Is that the reason for her acting resentful? What were the mistakes? Perhaps the issue is not fully resolved and needs to be worked out.

If it were me, I'd try pulling back some. Stop initiating so much and stop doing so much for her. She's not meeting your needs (sex only once in 21 days) so stop meeting hers. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Don't buy her gifts, don't open the pickle jar for her, don't kill the spiders, don't put gas in her car, etc. When she asks about it, tell her the truth. You're not meeting my needs, why should I meet yours. Something is causing her to act this way and it needs to be pushed out into the open and resolved.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Women work differently from men - emotionally - important point.

When a woman loves a man and the man craps on that love (lots of ways to do that - another topic) eventually she begins disassociating with the person (the man) putting her in an emotional void. 

If this situation occurs long enough - the love she has or had for the man dies. It is RARE that it ever returns.

I think that is your situation and she "stays for the kids."

You should avail yourself of counseling for how to emotionally connect to a woman. 

From your first post - I think you have already screwed the pooch on this relationship.

You have a long path to walk to resolve your issue(s).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smells of incompatibility. Is this how you want to spend your life? I’m sure you’ll get advice on reading books, doing more work around the house, manipulation techniques, etc. 
From what I’ve seen marriage shouldn’t be this hard. 
You can’t make anyone into something they aren’t.
You have a choice. Most have trouble making a decision. Living on hopium won’t get you much.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So when you do have sex, does she orgasm?
It may actually be a chore for her. She has to do laundry, make dinner, read to the kids blah blah, have sex with husband. Most men can't contemplate what having sex is like when there isn't a bunch of good feelings happening.


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## tyrone6384 (5 mo ago)

She fell out of love with you or she got a lover on the side. my ex-wife told me she grew apart from me and she will always love me, but the marriage was over. you shouldn't have to beg for sex from your spouse when yall was dating it wasn't a problem. my ex-wife excuse was I wasn't romantic at first but I was, so I started doing more but I was like it was one sided. Crazy thing when we was in the divorce process, she call me over to have sex more times then when we was together. I hate lazy sex but sometime when you desperate we take it however. It turns me off if she will act like it's a job and she trying to get it over with with. It time for a good conversation to see were yall stand because it sounds like things on her end is she done and you are not happy at all in the marriage. I know how you feel trying to hold on for the kids, but it takes two people to make things work. another family that can turn into a single mother family and I pray it don't. we need both parents to raise a healthy family. it takes a village to raise a child as the saying goes but if either spouse not willing to work things out then it want work. I pray that yall can sit down and talk to come up with a solution.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Agree with Diceplayer’s comments above. Start making the parts of your life that you can control more like you want them to be. Stop doing all the extra effort for her. Also, ask her to plan some date nights. See what happens. 
She does sound resentful and whatever it is, it’s needs to be brought out into the open and dealt with. You’re not going to be able to “nice her” back into the relationship with romance or chores etc.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Something has taken place where she is no longer feeling safe with you. Her distance is from hurt and/ or neglect. What is your porn use and is your wife aware that you are seeking porn for satisfaction? Have you been flirting with other women? Or seeking the attention of other women? Do you spend your spare time hanging out with your male friends or playing video games while she is caring for the home and children? Does she work full-time? Are the duties in the household split and do you share those responsibilities?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ZMF said:


> I've made mistakes and paid the price (for the record never cheated or did anything of the nature) all problems have mainly been on how things were approached and the course of action I've taken.


What mistakes and what price? Mistakes that would have caused her to lose all respect for you? To feel unsafe in the marriage?



ZMF said:


> Roughly over 3 years now there was been some things that have bothered me and I've spoken to her about it, at the least I am very verbal about it so no misunderstanding occur. There has been a huge lack of affection and love between us,


So for latest 1/3 of your time together there has been "huge" lack of affection and love between the two of you?



ZMF said:


> I recognized that she's been it treating it like a chore,


Because for her it probably is. Like scrubbing the sink or fixing food for the family or vacuuming the carpet. It doesn't sound like she is having any fun at all.



ZMF said:


> I personally don't want to call quits mainly because of my kids


Sounds like maybe she is "staying for the kids" just like you are. At least you are on the same page in that regard.

Would there be any value to both of you having a "frank and honest" exchange of views about where each of you see the relationship going? Evidently you have already come close to going your separate ways in just 10 years "together". The last 1/3 maybe "together" formally but not really bonded. Maybe both of you want to head for the exit, and the kids are all that is holding you together. If so, there is no marriage to salvage.

If you can afford it, and you both *together* think you want to try salvaging the marriage, maybe marriage counseling would be worthwhile thinking about.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is cheating or cheated and is in love with that person.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> What mistakes and what price? Mistakes that would have caused her to lose all respect for you? To feel unsafe in the marriage?
> 
> 
> So for latest 1/3 of your time together there has been "huge" lack of affection and love between the two of you?
> ...


Why is it that mistakes are taken this way. They are both responsible for the condition of the relationship not just OP.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ABHale said:


> She is cheating or cheated and is in love with that person.


And what in his post makes it that she's cheating?

There are lots that could be going on. And cheating is always a possibility, but there are a lot more possibilities that are more likely.

She could be in mommy mode. She could be resentful. Such as often times after children, women are expected to do all the house, all the kids and even have a job. She could have trouble turning her thought from the never ending list of things to do to sexy time. This is particularly hard to do when sexy time is only satisfying for the man. Statistically many women don't orgasm regularly. There could be other resentments as well.

What we do know if the sex life is less than stellar and there's work to be done if he wants to find out why or correct it.

I feel a lot more detail is needed to figure this out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> And what in his post makes it that she's cheating?
> 
> There are lots that could be going on. And cheating is always a possibility, but there are a lot more possibilities that are more likely.
> 
> ...


The same reason that people are blaming him.

It is a possibility, it wouldn’t be the 1000th time that a wife stopped wanting to have sex with her husband because there was another man in her life.

She actually sounds like a cold hearted woman that hates men. Especially her husband.

I actually did almost all the cooking before, during and after my kids were born. Helped with cleaning of the house and let my wife mow the yard, riding around on the mower was a break from the kids for her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ABHale said:


> The same reason that people are blaming him.
> 
> It is a possibility, it wouldn’t be the 1000th time that a wife stopped wanting to have sex with her husband because there was another man in her life.
> 
> ...


That's you. That doesn't mean it is the OP. I don't believe it is 'all his fault' I also don't have enough information to tell if she's having an affair. I seriously doubt she hates men. I mean what is it with this site and trying to label women man haters. That's just lazy.

She may have resentment for one specific man. She may be overwhelmed. She may have hormones out of whack. There are just so many things it could be.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> That's you. That doesn't mean it is the OP. I don't believe it is 'all his fault' I also don't have enough information to tell if she's having an affair. I seriously doubt she hates men. I mean what is it with this site and trying to label women man haters. That's just lazy.
> 
> She may have resentment for one specific man. She may be overwhelmed. She may have hormones out of whack. There are just so many things it could be.


It doesn’t mean it’s OP either. Your taking for granted that he is a deadbeat dad and husband. Why not ask before you assume all of use men are that way.

A few for you always assume this, why?

Man hater commit. It’s the assumptions and statements you and a few others make that looks like you think almost all men are POS deadbeats. You always go at it with the assumption that the guy is always at fault. I have never called anyone on here a man hater.

Treating her husband like ****, yes it actually sounds like she hates him at the moment.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ABHale said:


> It doesn’t mean it’s OP either. Your taking for granted that he is a deadbeat dad and husband. Why not ask before you assume all of use men are that way.
> 
> A few for you always assume this, why?


ughhh. First off I"m not assuming he's a deadbeat dad. He hasn't volunteered any information we have been given is they have kids, a natural libido killer for many women. That she treats sex like a chore and lies there. Well I don't know about your vast experience with women but I don't lie there when having an orgasm. I don't know of any starfish orgasmic women. 

She could be completely horrid. She could be having an affair. But if she's treating it like a chore then chances are it's become a chore. The question is why.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Then why go after my post?

I am done arguing this. Have a good night Anastasia. I don’t thing you hate men. Later.


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## ZMF (4 mo ago)

Thank you all for your thoughts on this, I do appreciate this insight. To clarify or rather give some more details.
When I refer to my past mistakes, for clarity none have to do with cheating, negate, flirting or seeking other women attention, laid hands on her, and deprived her of anything. My biggest mistake or the caused of our major problem was when we had our first kid. When we he was born my wife completely changed, I've read several stuff and this seems to occur, I had no problem with the new her. However, she was very much on her way and her way only. Down the line this eventually lead to some not so friendly comms between my parents and her, in which addressed to all (at least I though I did).Of note: most of the comms where my parents suggesting things on how to care for the kid, stuff like that, she was also like this with her parents however her parents hardly told her anything in her face. Regardless, no matter what course of action I took it never seem to be fruitful, eventually things got so bad that she honestly not only did she didn't want to go with me and visit my parents but didn't want me taking my son as well. When it reached that point after attempting to find middle ground, I decided that enough was enough, she can join us or not that choice is hers but I will be visiting my parents with my kids (because I and they want to be part of my sons live). This didn't end well for me, after several visits, all due to her feeling that I didn't respect her as a mother. This occurred within the first year of our sons life and marriage. Since then things have always been so-so when it comes to my parents and from then on I tend to avoid this matter. With this she followed up that I lied to her or rather she lost her trust in me. However, whether for good or bad I apologize and have attempted to make amends on this matter(like pre-planning my visits to my parents whenever we visit our hometown). Truthfully speaking things weren't the same, ever since then as one of you mentioned I have felt resentment from her. I was guilty of telling white lies for example when we struggled with money and my parents would give me some to help out, I'd tell her I did a side job or won a scratch off. I did tell a punch of white lies, nothing harmful, but only because I knew that she wouldn't be to happy about it. I have to emphasize this; my white lies have never been to harm her, cheat on her, or even talk bad about her; my main goal behind them has always to maintain peace. Moving past this as I've paid for mistakes I've become honest Abe and I tell her everything for better or worse. 

To answer another statement: 
I've done my homework and I do understand women function differently from men, which is why I put my best foot forwarded in attempting to been her support in all aspects. I help around the house (even though she says "I cleaned wrong" or place something in the wrong place) I take care of my kids as soon as I get home its me time with them. As mentioned on the original post I do make an honest attempt to spend time with her other then sex. I make an honest attempt to make her feel appreciated, loved, cared for, and everything in between ( at least I think I do). I will admit that lately I've been lacking but that because it all really feels one-sided and I don't see any progress. And, yes the times that we do have sex I do deliver and finish the job before I'm done, not always cause we're all guilty of the two pump chump. This was one of the first question asked when we did counseling for about a month. 

I am not saying I'm prefect, I am well aware I have my flaws and just as guilty for the downfall of our marriage, But I do want to make an attempt and not call quits without even trying.
To make it clear, this is not to bash on her and paint of bad picture of her she is a good women and a terrific mother. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better mother for my children, for this I will always love her. 

Thank you all for your insight, I hope this paints a better picture


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

She's the mommy and you're the petrified little teenage boy. 

That's how your story reads.

Not a pretty picture. But I'm going to be honest. Most women don't *RESPECT* men they can push around. I sure as hell wouldn't respect any man who continually folded like a cheap suit whenever I put my foot down. And that's exactly what you've done for years - cowered in the shadows for the sake of peace and/or continually tried to please her.

She doesn't respect you and you're just another chore to her is all.

And the likely reason she "doesn't want to call it quits" is because being with you *benefits* her. I couldn't find whether she works full time or not, but I'm guessing she's financially dependent on you. That is a HUGE HUGE reason for why she doesn't want to call it quits. She also likely doesn't want to be a single mother - that's a hard job! She'd have no help with the kids on the days she has them, no one to help with the bills, and she'd have to do everything alone and fend for herself. Why would she choose that when you're so willing to jump around like a trained seal and provide her with all of that and more? Staying together is much more beneficial than you NOT being there. Honestly, it's painfully apparent that's why she doesn't divorce you.

Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay where you are because you're too *afraid* to do anything else. I see you live in the United States, you don't live in some lawless 3rd world country where she can keep your kids away from you (or run off with them) and not have to answer to a court for it. There are LAWS in this country that don't allow women to keep their kids from the father of their children (as long as he's not a child molester or he's a danger to them). So stop using the excuse that you're scared of "losing" your kids. That's an excuse to do nothing.

*



I have a high sex-drive

Click to expand...

*Shocker! A man with a high sex drive. 🙄 Get in line with the rest of them. 😉

It's your choice. Continue being miserable or do something about it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The woman I married was abducted and replicated by aliens the day our first was born and she was replaced by the replicant. 

Like the arrival of Christ defines how we classify the year of our Lord and classify the testiments of the bible, so too our lives can be classified as before and after the arrival of children. There was our life before their arrival,,, and then our lives after their arrival and the two are never the same. 

One of the big differences between the girls and the boys is all aspects of a woman's life is fundamentally changed forever at the moment of conception where as the father just gets more bills as has to learn to change diapers and warm bottles and clean up puke. 

Where a woman's interests and wants and desires and hobbies etc all change after arrival, the man's continue on unabated. He just has to determine what he is and what he is not willing to live with and live without now. 

If a man wants to live a life of high-octane, passionate and frequent porn sex indefinately, he will need to sacrifice the stability and security and other perks of marriage and parenthood. He will need to serial date and swap out women every few years as New Relationship Energy starts to fade or if the person he is dating begins to insist on permanent commitment and marriage. There are exceptions of course and there are a few couples that continue to have frequent, quality sex after children for many years, but the typical couple will experience a significant downturn in sexual energy when they have young children in the house. 

This does not mean that anyone needs to settle for an affectionless or sexless relationship or live a life of chronic dissatisfaction and despair. Women still have needs for love and affection and desire etc too,, it has just been significantly changed since the arrival of Baby. Things that used to turn her on now irritate her or she will think is dumb. Things that she used to have no interest in or notice of now are important to her. 

Marriage can remain a loving and sexual relationship but it will need to be reengineered for the new family dynamic. Some people can navigate these waters and adapt better than others. We live long lives and undergo many evolutions and changes during the course of our lives and our sexualities are an area that is continually changing and evolving. 

There are times that you may need professional assistance in working through some of this so that you can each work together and meet each other's needs.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ZMF said:


> Recently when *I go straight for foreplay* she always make a remark like *"yee how romantic"* and when I've tried to be romantic* she denies any advancement*; she also, as I said before*, just lays there while I do my business and it takes awhile to get a reaction out of her before she says "alright I'm ready".*





ZMF said:


> *So I asked her if she actually "wanted to" her reply was just "yea sure, I'm letting you"*. That didn't sit well with me and I stopped and called it a day. This got me thinking and I recognized that *she's been it treating it like a chore,* a checkmark if you will.


This sounds like your wife is just plain turned off, And the narrative you wrote, especially what is bold is depressing to read. What do you mean "go straight for foreplay" or "while I do my business"? Her response to your asking if she "wanted to" confirms she isn't interested and it is a chore for her. I mean if you have to ask that question, it ought to be obvious the answer is "no". And, it seems you knew the answer before you asked. There is No joy, no anticipation, no enthusiasm. For whatever reason, she isn't having any fun. Just something to get over with. Gritting her teeth figuratively. And that is just the sexual side of the relationship.

My suspicion is that your parents helping you financially and you lying about it to her destroyed any respect she had for you and destroyed her trust in you at the same time. And maybe by that point in your marriage, that was all she was really looking for anyway.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Been there done that. Wife switched to super mommy mode and exhausted herself with unnecessary BS. She had a **** childhood and tried to give kids everything. Problem was she forgot she was also a lover and wife first. Not being a very good mom if you drive the dad away.

I bathed the kids, vacuumed, trash, all the outside chores, diapers, formula, dishes. Try to help with laundry and was *****ed at. Wrong order, not folded how she wanted them. OK..then from now on that is your monkey! 

She complained about clutter....really! We had 2 boys under 7! She would manufacture crap to do. And ***** and call me whining about sex....we just had sex the other day...12 days ago! She was so into super mommy mode she would loose track of time...basically it was not important to her. 

Problem was she did not realize physical intimacy was how I feel bonded to her. 3 x month and I am quickly becoming emotionally unattached to her. I was to a point I was thinking about divorce with 2 kids under 7. The resentment got to a point it was difficult to have sex because I was not feeling emotionally attached, had difficulty keeping an eye tion at times. 

Found this place while looking for answers. Read NMMNG and MMSLP and I saw myself. Made changes, quit tolerating crap and started speaking what was on my mind. Quit letting wife push me around and stood up to her. 

She realized I was about to leave and changed her behavior. We both needed to change...and did. Our marriage is now awesome. We are the parents that embarrass the kids with our PDAs. Looking for any spare minute to spend with each other. Each other's best friend. Do everything together. Sex at least 5 days a week. Almost half the time, she instigates a 2nd round. She has 5-8 orgasms to my 1. If I do not initiate, thinking she is to tired or something, she will initiate. 

Thing is I am acting like a man, I'm no longer letting her push my buttons. Women tent to be attracted to a man that acts like a man, not beta boy they can push around. She gets close enough for me to touch her, I do. Hold from behind, nibbling on side of neck at base of skull...oh hell yes! Baby girl likes it alot! She says it turns her on just seeing how turned on I am by her presence. We are sexual all day long, I keep her in that frame of mind and when I am ready, she is too. One reason is because sexually she makes out like a bandit. I see to it, she is satisfied in spades.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does your wife work? Can she support herself?
For me, when a man doesn’t make me feel safe by managing his money well - I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to be scared if there’s enough money. I want to feel safe and secure.
What do you spend money on? Why wasn’t there enough money?
Do you two do a budget together? Do you both stick to what is agreed upon?

she’s resentful and views sex with you as a chore. Once that routine settles in - it’s hard to come back from it.

stop asking for sex everyday! No wife wants to feel like a receptacle! If you have a high sex drive go help yourself. Ask her once a week or two (since she expects to deliver now once every three weeks.

make sure she gets the pleasure BEFORE you do. Real pleasure, she probably fakes it since she doesn’t want to do it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

The response of the wife when he tried to engage her in conversation about things and asking her if she wanted to have sex and she responds..."I'm letting you". Wow. I don't think I'd be able to contain my composure if someone said that to me. My knee jerk reaction would be to tell them to get out, but then again I can do that because I'm not married and in your situation.

@ZMF You are trying to do the right thing. Seems you love your wife, you have questioned your actions, you are making the effort, and you are here for help. I'm really concerned with her response of "letting you". I know had it been me, I'd have stopped trying to have any kind of intimacy with her having said that to me.

So, what do you do? Maybe you need to just sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know you understand that she may not be in the mood all the time, but that her comments to you are that of a wife that just doesn't give a squirt, and that something needs to happen, whether it be counseling, or possible dissolution of the marriage. OR, unless you can just learn to live without it, treat her like a roommate. But in all seriousness, sit her down and talk to her about her attitude of it. Ask her, "if you don't want an intimate relationship with me, what is it you think I should do about it?" See what her answer is. That could be the key to what you need to do.


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