# Attracted to a New Guy!



## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

First time posting, so here's a bit of background first.
D-Day was 5 months ago. Husband moved in with OW 2 months ago. Over these past few months, he has been exceptionally nasty and cruel to me. We run a business together, so that has been really difficult to deal with also.
For months I tried to hold on to the belief that he was going through some sort of crisis; that the affair would end soon, that he would revert to the man I loved and would want to come back.
But as time went by, I realised I was slowly falling out of love with him. Eventually I lost all respect for him too. 
Unbeknownst to him, the OW and I have been in contact by text message recently. She is a very child-like and naive woman! Her texts revealed the depth of her doubts and insecurities about the relationship and I'm amazed they haven't broken up yet, but it seems almost certain to happen before too long.
The thing is, I've recently met a man through one of my hobbies. The moment he walked in I felt this very powerful attraction to him that nearly knocked me off my feet! The more I get to know him, the more attracted I am. I think about him constantly and I want him to ask me out. He has pushed all thoughts of holding on to my marriage out of my head.
Do I need to be concerned that this is some sort of 'hysterical rebound' reaction or is this just a genuine attraction that I should pursue? I'd love to hear from any other BS who had a similar attraction to a new person a short time after being betrayed or left. Did it last? 
I think this guy has gone through a difficult divorce and I really don't want to hurt him by dating him if I'm not as ready for it as I think I am. Also, I suspect that once my husband hears that I'm dating somebody else he might feel differently about everything. I really don't know how I would react if my husband started to pursue me again. All I know is that right now I want the other guy!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm a BS whose ex has left for the OW and is now living with her.

My ex left in May - five months ago. Divorce was final in July. Moved her down here and in with him in early September. 

I haven't experienced that sort of attraction to a new guy yet - I'm really feeling too gun shy to look at other men in that new light. But I understand losing all respect for your H. I've done that, too. He has also been outrageously insensitive and cruel. I'm sure that's how they justify the terrible, selfish thing they've done.

How long were you married? Do you have kids? Counselors say you should wait one month for every year you were married to date again after a divorce. That means I've got 25 months - 23 to go.

I'm still pretty devastated about the whole thing and have no interest in men right now. But I also haven't met any new ones recently, so maybe that's just easy for me to say.

It's good you realize you should wait because he's been through a painful divorce, himself. Typical BS - not the selfish one in that equation.

I envy you having those feelings for someone else. I look forward to having those again myself someday, if I'm ever ready to again.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Beans, one year for every year of marriage? Or is it one month (I've heard two months for every year of marriage)? I was married 9 years and was with him 11 before that.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Sorry, Teddie, it was a typo - it's one month for every year. I edited it. Erg.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jencork said:


> I think this guy has gone through a difficult divorce and I really don't want to hurt him by dating him if I'm not as ready for it as I think I am. Also, I suspect that once my husband hears that I'm dating somebody else he might feel differently about everything. I really don't know how I would react if my husband started to pursue me again. All I know is that right now I want the other guy!


There are a few things in your post that tell me you're not ready, but this piece stands out in particular. 

You say you're over your ex, but if that were the case, you'd not only not care what he does or think about.... anything, but you'd also know exactly what to do if he (for some reason) did try to come back. Also, you make it sound almost as though you expect him to be jealous if you were in a relationship... Do you need or want him to be jealous? Why?

If you were ready to move on, you wouldn't care if he gets jealous or not because * you have moved on.*

It may be 5 months, but have you lived alone those 5 months? I'd personally not recommended starting a relationship until a full year of living alone and finding happiness without men getting involved.

This new guy looks great on paper, but you don't know him well... yet. Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now? Until you heal fully you will not be able to discern this as clearly as you should. 

Just my two pence.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I would say date him casually if he's interested, but you should both be clear with each other that the circumstances add to the uncertainty. Even if you were totally ready in every way to date, it might not work out with this man even if he is totally ready as well - you may find that you're not compatible, for example. As long as you are sure you won't go running back to your ex if he calls, go ahead. You're both adults, and love requires taking risks.

As for rules of thumb about dating again - IMO, they're mostly rubbish. You're ready when you are, not based on some chart. Too many things affect being "ready." Who left, circumstances, personality type, ... In my case, the 24 year marriage had been over for years, really, and I was ready to date within weeks of moving out.


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## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

Thanks for the replies so far. Lots of good points for me to think about! 
I don't feel that I need or want my ex to be jealous. It's just that I know him well enough to think that he probably will be, especially if his own relationship has broken down. I don't necessarily think he will act on this jealousy, but I admit I've only properly detached from him quite recently, so if I'm honest I can't say with any degree of certainty what I would do if he wanted me back. 
I don't really think he is capable of the change and personal growth required for me to be able to trust him and believe in a future with him again, so even if he pursued me I doubt it would be enough to win me over. 
We were together for 24 years, married for 20 and have 2 adult sons. The younger one lives with me in the family home. 
Divorce takes a long time in my country, so nothing will be completely final with him for several years. I haven't yet begun formal separation proceedings, but I feel ready to tackle it now. 
I do believe this new guy could be Mr. Right rather than just Mr. Right Now because his outlook on life is similar to mine and I think I'll be able to connect with him on a deeper level than I ever could with my ex-husband


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jencork said:


> Thanks for the replies so far. Lots of good points for me to think about!
> I don't feel that I need or want my ex to be jealous. It's just that I know him well enough to think that he probably will be, especially if his own relationship has broken down. I don't necessarily think he will act on this jealousy, but I admit I've only properly detached from him quite recently, so if I'm honest I can't say with any degree of certainty what I would do if he wanted me back.
> I don't really think he is capable of the change and personal growth required for me to be able to trust him and believe in a future with him again, so even if he pursued me I doubt it would be enough to win me over.
> We were together for 24 years, married for 20 and have 2 adult sons. The younger one lives with me in the family home.
> ...


Okay, I see you're being pretty careful and introspective. Given the laws where you are, may I suggest that you get the separation paperwork in asap? You need to making definitive strides toward making your relationship status "divorced." Do this for yourself more than for any man you may hope to be with in the near future. 

If you don't forge ahead, it may send the message (to others and to your own subconscious) that you're not done with the marriage and ready to carry on. You should have a finger but in one pie and one pie only... The Progress Pie. Do not keep a finger in the What Was Pie. Unless you see real hope of getting back with your ex, consider that pie to be expired. Do not add a finger to the What Will Be Pie until that paperwork is filed and in progress. That pie is only half baked. Give it time.


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## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

Yes you're right Satya. I think I do need to start the separation proceedings for my own sake. Thanks for your advice


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Satya said:


> Okay, I see you're being pretty careful and introspective. Given the laws where you are, may I suggest that you get the separation paperwork in asap? You need to making definitive strides toward making your relationship status "divorced." Do this for yourself more than for any man you may hope to be with in the near future.
> 
> If you don't forge ahead, it may send the message (to others and to your own subconscious) that you're not done with the marriage and ready to carry on. You should have a finger but in one pie and one pie only... The Progress Pie. Do not keep a finger in the What Was Pie. Unless you see real hope of getting back with your ex, consider that pie to be expired. Do not add a finger to the What Will Be Pie until that paperwork is filed and in progress. That pie is only half baked. Give it time.



I don't know if I want to eat a pie or agree. Perhaps both.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hit the brakes a bit, you are hiping him up and you have to keep realistic expectations due to circumstances. You are in the process of romantic love or the honeymoon phase and that stage imparts magical feelings. You lack real life experience with him, but the only real thing you know is that you have a high level of attraction.

People are different in different stages of relationship. You do not know if he carries any baggage from his previous marriage. That may not manifest itself in a while.

I don't think it is possible to ever reach a level of complete indifference for your husband. But if you are at the point where you do not care if your marriage is saved or not, then you are ready.

Start the process of separation for yourself to start cutting ties. It will help you set the mindset and help with resolve.

If your husband comes back to reality and comes back remorseful, I think that will complicate matters. Even on here, there have been posters who gave their long separated ex another chance.

The more emotional connections, the more complicated the situation gets.

I really have no objections other than to keep analyzing your feelings and situation. I am niether for or against you dating the new guy, that choice will be yours.


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## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

Yeah Fisty, I totally admit it! I'm getting completely carried away with this because my attraction to him is so strong. 
I do feel indifferent at this point about the marriage. What I'm unsure about is whether that indifference would remain consistent even if circumstances change for me or for my ex. I'm still keen for my ex and his affair partner to split up, but I think that's just my spiteful side and not because I particularly want him back. The strange thing is that once I actually decided to let go, all I experienced was relief and a sense of peace. I was expecting grief, but I didn't realise that I'd already been grieving the marriage - possibly even before the affair happened!
It's good to know that while many of you are advising I proceed with caution, you're not all saying I should outright avoid dating this new man. I agree that I do have to be mindful that he will have his own baggage too - that's an excellent point. I will see him again in 2 days, and I have a plan to give him my number (in a subtle way) then. Hopefully he will call and we can take it slowly from there


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
We develop patterns in life and when we are with someone for 24 years they are heavily ingrained in our psyche. It is natural to, in the sudden absence of those patterns, seek a replacement to fill the void. It seems you are cognizant of this at some level. If you can stay focused on the fact that you need time to remove those patterns of your ex before you replace them with new ones from this NM (new man) then casual dating may be enjoyable. However, if you try to fill that void too quickly then you will subconsciously try to make the NM fit the old patterns, especially the favorable ones and any negative traits he may exhibit may go largely unacknowledged UNTIL those patterns actually change to him and suddenly he loses much of his original luster. Just be mindful and cautious as you proceed, after all 5 months is an awfully short period of time to erase 24 years. Good fortune to you.


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## jencork (Oct 5, 2015)

Thank you NoChoice. I think my attraction to the NM is largely based on how he differs from my ex. I'm possibly trying to fill a void that existed throughout my marriage. Do you think despite that I will still end up trying to replicate marital patterns?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

jencork said:


> Thank you NoChoice. I think my attraction to the NM is largely based on how he differs from my ex. I'm possibly trying to fill a void that existed throughout my marriage. Do you think despite that I will still end up trying to replicate marital patterns?


Not necessarily but keep in mind that your ex was once the "apple of your eye" but later not so much. Just be careful when you look at NM that you not see only the good differences from your ex. We all have imperfections, all I am saying is go in with both eyes wide open and give yourself time to really "see" this NM, both good and bad.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

jencork said:


> Thank you NoChoice. I think my attraction to the NM is largely based on how he differs from my ex. I'm possibly trying to fill a void that existed throughout my marriage. Do you think despite that I will still end up trying to replicate marital patterns?


The fact that you are aware of the possibility already helps you immensely. 

We are always attracted to the New that we don't have. Nothing wrong with that as long as you keep both eyes open. It takes time to really see to the core of a person, and that's taking for granted that they aren't trying to hide something.


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