# In a weird seperation..letting go of Fear.



## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Based off of Guiltygirl and Marktwains comments.....

Bare w/me I just need to type things out. Basically a good and bad list..
Fear...
Everyday I fear that my wife is done with me. And everyday, subconsciously, I look for a way in her actions to justify my thoughts:
she doesn't call when I am gone for the weekend
she is not up waiting for me when I come home from trips
She turns down any and all advances
She doesn't randomly call me anymore
she sleeps in the other room
she hangs out with male friends
she won't check my phone for me
she hasn't invited me out w/her in A LONG TIME

Of course everyday I find a reason. Which sends me into an obsessive spiral
...talking about it w/my buddy for 2hrs
snooping(which open my minds eye more)
text messaging her constantly(or even at all, since were doing the "space thing")
Having the 1000 "what if" scenarios run through my head. 

In order to recover from that spiral I convince myself I don't care...when I really do.

since I listed the bad here is some good:

She is at least staying in our house(although she says its because she doesn't have money for another place)
She hugs me now when I leave
She told me to be careful on my trip(first time in a while)
She lights my day up when I see her
She hasn't filed divorce paperwork
She agreed to our anniversary....although I received not even a card or a call saying happy anniversary


I guess I am struggling, as you can see, to find the good and to let go of the fear. When I do....I am encountered w/her rejection due to the wall she built; out of fear.

I don't understand the rules of this gray area I am in, I'm confused. Because I want her back, don't want to be clingy, but I am still deeply in love w/her.....far from her feelings to me. 

How do I act?
What do I do?
1.) I want/need sex....not going to cheat(again)...but how long do I wait?
2.) I want/need female affection...not going to have female friends due to the above......but how long can I wait?
3.) I want to know that she is committed, and not just building a new life and holding onto me until that one is good to go.
4.) How do I let go? Living in the same house but different rooms? and If I move out won't that signal that I am done? Won't that push us further into this hell that I am in.....divorce.

I have contacted Realtors - Selling the house
I have canceled my joint accounts - Opened separate
I am seeking a second job - More money in case we work it out.
I laid all my feelings out for my wife on our anniversary, now do I just wait?

And how do I explain to her that she needs to let go of her FEARS also?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I feel for you, I really do. If I were to construct a list, it would look similar to yours. I have the same questions you do - what do I do and how long do I wait??

Sorry, not anything helpful, but I can empathize, I really can. This has been a tough week.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> I feel for you, I really do. If I were to construct a list, it would look similar to yours. I have the same questions you do - what do I do and how long do I wait??
> 
> Sorry, not anything helpful, but I can empathize, I really can. This has been a tough week.


Yeah...I know I 'm not there alone...sometimes it helps writing this out and being able to step outside yourself and look in....I just can't seem to clear a spot to look in..


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Wow-HRB- you had a lot to say. I don't have a lot of time to respond, so I will keep it short. It seems as though your wife is sending you mixed signals. Just as I did, she has built up a wall, either to protect herself or to keep that distance between you that she has already decided is what she wants. This has got to be confusing for you.

Fear is a difficult thing to escape...I have dealt with extreme fear and anxiety all of my life in various situations. Did you see the scripture I quoted? "There is not fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." So, my goal is to attain or strive to achieve this perfect love. No relationship will ever be perfect. But, I know now that if I can't show my husband I love him in various ways, that our marriage just isn't going to work. I am still working on letting go of this fear. Definitely talk with your wife about her fears and share yours with her. My husband I and did this, and it was difficult, but also necessary I think. 

You know I moved out for a week to have some space. You could try this and see what happens. I hate the idea of sleeping in separate rooms in the same house, though I'm not saying you shouldn't. I learned that it's difficult to work on your relationship if you don't see each other. Anyway, I must go for now...I wish you all the best. Keep pushing forward, try letting go of the fear, and be strong. (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me)

Sorry to be so religious, but these scriptures have helped me. Take care!

From my perspective, I am working really hard to let down that wall, but if you noticed on my last post, there was something inside me that told me I needed to do this. I won't lie, it's difficult, but every day I make an effort to decrease the "space" between my husband and me. We have a long road ahead, but at least we have set up a map to get us where we want to go. 

I wish I could ease your anxiety...this is such a difficult situation.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Last night I was angry at my wife and at our situation. My wife asked me what I was pissed about.

I didn't want to yell at her or even discuss it. But she asked again.
So I went off...I regret the tone I used but not the words I spoke.

I said I was angry because:

We started a business together and now she has turned her back to it.
Because you choose not to work on this relationship
Because you sleep in the other room
Because I am now picking up a second job out of state so that I can support US...when I know there might not be an US.
Because You can't see how much I love you
Because you still believe that I F**ked your friend
Because the person I love doesn't even glance at me
Because I love you and I can't convince myself to let you go
Because Even though I know you are going to reject me and I will feel like an ass...I still let go of my fear and approach you.
Because through everything we have talked about YOU still act like a F**king high schooler and nothing has changed from a year ago.
Because you will not explain yourself to me
Because you don't think 8 amazing years is worth trying to put in the effort.

I said I am going out of state and I just wanted your opinion...for you to show some sort of concern/interest in what is taking place.

She said there isn't going to be an us. That there isn't and US right now. That I need to let her go.....but I can't.

So I asked why are we here then.

In my mind....best outlook....its going to take a long time...but I'm not ready to give up.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Again today she told me it was over. 
I've agreed this time. If this is what she really wants then i will file for a divorce when I get back from my work.

She said she will let me know. This hurts so bad. I feel ashamed of her.....but still love her?

Its scary to think about not seeing her. Not being able to confide in her. 
Not having her around. I hate seeing tomorrow and her not being in it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dude,

Look on the bright side. She is hard work. If she wants out, your life will eventually get simpler. While you are single, you can try to find out why you were attracted to such a complex person. Then you can decide if you want to date more straight-forward types.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

I am leaving for a few months for work. I said when I get back if she still feels the way she does then I will file for a divorce. I am moving all my stuff out of our house tonight and leaving tomorrow. I have placed all my cards out there. 

If she wants this to work it is now her decision.

I just can't do the "in-house" separation. So I let her go today...now I wait.

as for the complex thing...I can't explain it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi hitrockbottom,

If she says it is over, why isn't she filing for divorce? Or is this a game to her? I certainly don't blame you for moving out. You have gone far beyond what most would do to save a marriage.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

827,
y'know , i agree. if she wants it over, she holds all the cards. i surf this board looking for situations similar to mine to see if i can get a hint of how to handle it...i see an awful lot of situation where i say the same thing. WTF, file, show him you mean business. and i keep coming back to the same conclusion: us dudes are all freaked out when maybe that's the end game. women who've tried everything except that one thing to make us change our crappy habits. we've been cut off, now she's leaving. oh crap, i did freak out, and truth be known, she can have me back all fixed up this time. i f-ed up baaad, and i know she can leave me, she's strong enough! but, as you say:

>>>If she says it is over, why isn't she filing for divorce?<<<

interesting,
a changed man


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

That was my thought too. If she says it's over and isn't willing to try anymore, why doesn't SHE file for divorce? 

That's sort of the mode I'm in right now. My husband says he wants to separate. So, then make it happen, man! Why should I be the one to do all the things needed to get the ball rolling when I don't want it. Same goes for divorce, if we get to that point. I do not want to be the one to "pull the trigger" - he wants it, then he should make it happen. I don't want him telling his story and leaving out major parts: "She cheated on me and then filed for divorce" - leaving out the "and I wasn't willing to work with her and she didn't want to divorce but I sort of forced her hand."


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

HRB- It's been awhile since I've been on the forum...I'm so sorry for what you are currently experiencing. It seems that you are at least trying to be strong...that's a good thing. 

I understand you wanting to leave, the situation you were living in must have been highly stressful. It is good you were able to express your anger to your wife...she needs to know how you feel. Anger is a normal part of the process, so you needn't feel bad. Hopefully, eventually you will realize that you haven't done anything wrong. You have put everything you have into trying to work things out. This was your wife's decision. Of course, you'll still have feelings for her...both good and bad. Eventually, though, for your own sake, you will have to find a way to let go of the anger. I wish I could say something that would make this easier on you. 

I agree with the posts of others...you need to let her take the next steps toward divorce, as this was her choice. You take care of yourself for now, and let her figure out what to do next.

You are in my prayers as always. May He comfort you in this time of pain. Just keep moving forward, one day at a time. Things will get better eventually.


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