# Maybe A Unique Situation...Please help



## brokeninFL (Feb 9, 2018)

So I'm here because I'm lost like most. I do not have the great close friends that I can confide in. I have family but while one person knows my situation there are things that I do not want to divulge. So here is my story, sorry it is long:
My wife and I married a little over 12 years ago. She is my best friend and I felt that nothing can ever come in between us. I took her for granted and while daily kisses good nights and repeating I love you was routine, I never was great at expressing my feelings further on a regular basis. Life as I saw it was set in its ways and there was no major fault. My biggest gripe to our routine was her incessant cell phone usage. Nightly after work she would be texting, on phone calls, facebooking, pinteresting, and this irritated me. Looking back I probably mentioned to her about how it irritated me that she chose to be on the phone and not pay attention to myself or the kids. She didn't take my my words seriously and the issue continued. As a result, I shut down with my communication further, however, I still felt that there were no major issues. We continued to live life, take date nights, have weekends away, and raise our young kids.

My wife was a star at her place of work and in July of last year, she took a new position heading a retirement community for a major corp. The place had issues from staffing, to poor corporate leadership, and the residents of the community were no treat either. Within a couple of months, she was feeling that nothing she could say or do would appease the residents of the community and the changes she wanted to implement, were not fully supported by corporate leadership. The job began weighing on her early on. I did my best to listen to her complaints and supported her reasons for being disappointed and provided as much feedback as I could since senior living is not my area of expertise. My feedback was apparently not helpful and she had other members of the corporation to reach out to text so her nights continued to be occupied by the cell phone.

September came and we were hit by Hurricane Irma. Being two months into a new position there was a lot of fast learning for her and she had to prepare for the storm by getting her buildings ready along with coordinating supplies. Being that she was head of the building, she had no choice but to stay at the community with the residents before, during, and after the storm. She stayed at her buildings with several members of leadership from her building as well as some neighboring buildings. The kids and I rode out the storm at our home but visited after the storm to make sure she was alright and that no help was needed. She probably did a good 3 to 4 days of staying on site and helping and leading recovery of her buildings. I remember the first week, she came home after her 3-4 days, took a shower, and fell asleep on the couch, only to be awoken by a call from the community calling her back. Without fail, she went back to assist. Keep this part in mind, as I will come back to it.

January 28th was set to be our 12th wedding anniversary. A new year for us was starting out fantastic since the worrisome position that my wife held was no longer going to be an issue. She had put in her notice to leave that awful job January 26th. A couple of weeks prior to this, she was already offered a new job and wanted to recruit some people she knew to come along with her to her new company. She had mentioned a guy to me in the past saying that she wanted him to come work for her at the community she was running but was now again mentioning him to work with her at the new company. I found this suspicious. I felt that her recruiting this person incessantly was concerning to me. I decided to do some snooping. 

One weekend night, while she feel asleep on the couch, I decided to go through her texts. I located his name and began reading the texts. I found that she was overly concerned with his well being by asking everyday how he was doing or making note that she would call him on her way home. This all raised red flags to me. I began researching ways to spy on her text messages at a minimum. I found out that I could run an app on my desktop provided by our cell carrier that would let me read every single one of her text messages. I wasn't going to have to go back far to read messages because she previously was using a work phone but would now be back on my plan. So I was able to read a little over 2 weeks of text messages. While there was continuous texts regarding how are you doing, please come work for me, and flirting, he never seemed to reciprocate the flirting. After researching online for several days, I concluded that at a minimum she was having an emotional affair with this person. I decided that on January 27th, we would have a baby sitter watch the kids and we would go out for drinks and I would confront her.

January 27th came, and as baby sitter time drew near, I went upstairs to my desk and prepared a Word document outlining the several dates, times, and texts that drew concern. With only a couple of hours to go, I felt that this was not enough "evidence" to confront her with so I also started to prepare a spreadsheet outlining the several different phone numbers and the amount of texts she sent or received from them. I thought this would be even further documentation to show that she was getting in too deep with this person and he may soon reciprocate on a flirtatious remark. This is where I found a second phone number that had an equally impressive amount of texts. I researched this new number and found out that it was another community director from her previous company that was once in our area but had moved to a building on the west coast of FL. She had mentioned him before but nothing ever concerned me about him. Due to the shear amount of texting going on, I decided to read through their thread.

Remember it was only a little over two weeks of texts. 95% of the texts were about work...the other 5% was about something soul crushing to me. He had mentioned in his texts that his wife was having lady problems. My wife responded accordingly, something along the lines of what problems, she is pregnant so that is something. He went on to explain that she is experiencing a discharge and questioned my wife about having any STDs. My wife responded flustered and upset. She mentioned that she has been with 1 person over 20 years so why would he be questioning her. She goes on to ask the question "Was there anyone else besides me?" My ohh noo radar is going off the charts at the time I read this. I continue to read and she continues to be defensive about the questioning and then says, "I am clean! Unless you gave me something!" I was slowly breaking apart inside. These texts took place around January 15. He goes on to apologize and she continues to say how crummy it is that he would ask.

Earlier in this thread of texts, my wife mentions that she will be training on the west coast of FL for her new job and wanted to see if he would be around for a visit. The texting about the visit is not brought up again until closer the weekend of our anniversary where it turns out that the plan was originally for my wife to go to him but he decided he would go to her. She provided her itinerary and mentioned they could go to the beach area for "drinks and fun." I'm slowly dying by this point. I start to cut and paste the texts but she walks into the office as I try to work with my hands shaking. I found that I had no choice but to take the opportunity while we were alone and confront her.

I ask "Are you cheating on me?" A look of shock comes over her face. She denies. I tell her about the text messages. She starts telling me pieces about one night during the Hurricane work in September, this person came on to her and she denied his advances. She said that was all that happened. I asked why would she continue to talk to this person and she said that he told her she was pretty and did a good job. I go on about the texts implying there was sex. She says they were jokes. I of course mention that no one jokes like that. I tell her to get this person on the phone. I grill him about if he had sex with my wife or even tried. He of course denies. I ask him about the so called jokes and he replies that she jokes like that. In not so many words I threatened him and told him to lose my wife's number. My wife and I continue our argument where she denies there was sex, expressed her love for only me, and blocks this guys number from her phone. Well, once she blocked the number, his texts started to disappear from the app on my desktop unknowingly to me. I tell her to leave me alone and she proceeds to go back downstairs. The rest of the night is back and forths about how she loves me and would not do anything to hurt me. I counter that she has hurt me and we need a divorce.

I come back to the desk and notice that the texts from him are all disappearing except for pictures of his daughter and him with his daughter. I think that I lost my ability to save the texts but was still able to save her responses to his unseen questions. I still have them saved and they hurt as much 12 days later as the day I came upon them.

Our anniversary day comes and I leave the house early because I am not able to sleep at all. I head to a coffee shop and sit there for a couple hours reflecting on the previous day. I reread the text messages in my head and think to myself, maybe they were jokes. I head back home and she meets me at the door and continues to say how much she loves me and how she will do anything to fix the wrongs. I agree to review the text messages again with her so she can point out where my misunderstandings are. She has already deleted all of her texts by this point and we never really sit down to review the texts. We talk throughout the day and the back and forth involves me saying, "why didn't you tell me about his pass," while she comes at me with, "you shut down and you stopped communicating with me." This leads to an afternoon of more tears and me thinking about how terrible I must be that my own wife won't tell me anything, anymore. I agree to go to counseling to work on my communication issues and work on our marriage. The remainder of Sunday is great...I convince myself that she was joking in the texts and that I will be more vocal about how much I love her. I slept through the night.

Monday comes and the wife is off, in between jobs, and I am off to work. My commute is a long 40 minutes so I have time to think and listen to some tunes on the country station. Wouldn't you know it, a song comes on and it reminds me our situation. We all know what country songs are about, right? This gets me thinking more. I'm still troubled by the texts. I get to work and I research this guy and find that he is a former college jock that plays a specific sport that I also played. He starts to fit the persona in my head of a jock and how he would take advantage of a woman. This is just my experience and my opinion and I know not all former jocks are like that. This guy is. I start thinking about it more at work and get more and more upset. I have to leave to prevent breaking down at the office. I start driving and call my wife to tell her we need to talk. I prepare myself during the drive.

I get home and as calmly and understandable as possible I lay out that the texts were not jokes. The pass he made was not the whole story. I push and push her until she breaks. She nods to my question, "did you have sex with him?" I collapse. I ask how long was this going on and how many times could they possibly have been together. She says it was just the hurricane and that he came into her office, undressed her, and proceeded to have sex. She said she does not remember much or how long it lasted. She stated that she did indeed push him off of her when he tried to kiss her and began to vomit. I was completely broken. Despite all of this, she continues to profess her love to me and that she will do anything to make things right. She heads off to pick up the kids from school. I take this time to phone a family member who I confide in. She hears the story and offers her suggestion to not make rash decisions about divorce and think about the kids. The wife and kids return and I decide to go for a drive where I can think and call my confidant again. My talk to my family member and she advises that it is up to me, of course, but to not make any rash decisions. I agree that she is right and return home.

My wife and I continue through the night talking and decide to go to counseling. In fact, we get an appointment the next day. We go counseling and and the therapist advises that she is 100% percent in the wrong and my communication skills are not the probably...her choice was the problem. That was on January 30th. We have not been to a session since but did pick up a book and workbook the therapist recommended for reading and homework. 

We had a family vacation planned for the approaching weekend and I decide to keep the trip and try to have fun for the sake of the kids. Well, my wife and I start to reconnect and we talk better and more constructively than ever. We return home on Super Bowl Sunday and decide to have a family party and watch the game.

The game goes on into the 4th quarter and we have already put the kids in bed. As it has been over the past few days, we continue to talk and as our conversation continues about our relationship and the night of infidelity, something seems off to me about her story. I was having my suspicions about her role on that night at her community. I preface my comments about that night citing that I am here to work on our relationship and will not make a rash decision...but I have to know, "were you an active participant?" She starts to breakdown, looks at me in the face and shakes her head, no. I am floored.

So this week we continue our reading and last night she gives me another play by play of that ill fated night when we go to discuss the book. Her details match previous stories but now she offers something more. She said she had laid down on her couch to review some notes and had turned on a small light next to her. She said she remembers thinking to herself that she was going to take a short nap and wake up and continue watching over the community while everyone was asleep. She said the next thing she remembers is him being over her, her pants are off, and he is having sex with her. She said she felt numb. She then went to push him off. She said he got up, walked out of the room, but said that she was pretty and doing a good job as he left.

She came right out and said she did not have an affair and did not ask for his advances or sexual progression. Her reactions to the situation lead me to believe that it was sexual assault. I read up on victims and rape and found it interesting that many rapists are friends or family or acquantinances. That victims respond in different ways including freezing and not talking about it. That it is common for the victim to actually remain friends with their attacker.

My dilemmas, and thanks for reading and giving any input if available. She wants to forget about it and move on with us. I have verified that she has not had any contact with this person since I confronted her. Filing any type of police report will result in a he said/ she said because her text messages do not imply she was not willing. Bringing lawyers in could jeopardize her career and reputation because she is still in the same industry. She said that he called her to talk two weeks after the incident. He reasoned with her saying that they were both under a lot of stress and that they still have to work together so they should keep it quiet. He went on to act like nothing happened and she followed suit. She agreed with the understanding that they are never to be in the same room alone again. When I question her about the continued communication she now sees that he was just trying to save face because he has a family and didn't want to ruin his sweet deal. She has said that the trip to the west coast was to include his wife when they were to go out. She now is seeing how he was going to use her and only show up alone. He was moved by the corporation in December to the west coast location and has not been back since.

Sorry, now my questions. I do not know where to start. I am torn about her story of sexual assault. While I have located articles supporting her behavior, it is still hard to process that she would have anything to do with this guy after something so traumatic. She has stated that she is relieved it is out and loves me more than anything. I plan on bringing the new discoveries up in our next counseling session to see the therapists reaction and to see if my wife sticks to the story she has told. Please let me know your thoughts or questions.

Next is the OM spouse. Do I tell her? She is six months pregnant (scum bag impregnated her, sent her away for the hurricane, and helped himself to my wife). I do not want this information to affect her unborn child. I know, I am thinking more about his family than he did. If I do so, any suggestion on best way? i thought Facebook messenger might work? 

Lastly, anybody know when I will stop dwelling on all this and be able to sleep at night? I do love my wife and will work with counseling but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Your wife is full of crap. If she was sexually assaulted against her will why would she be texting this person and agreeing to go with him again? Your wife was a willing participant. I can guarantee they’ve been sleeping together multiple times. She is trickle truthing and flat out lying to you. I can also guarantee they are still talking. Get STD testing and get out of there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s lying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

90% of rapes are done by friends or family members. Stranger rape is actually pretty rare.

If we take your wife at her word, her story is pretty typical. She was napping and woke up to some guy on top of her. Not unusual at all. This sort of thing leaves a person very confused. There was no violence. If it really was rape, she's probably unsure how to handle it. And like you said, she cannot go to the police about it because no one will believe her. You don't believe her. Why would anyone else?

Most of the time, when a rape is not a violent rape (on visible injuries) the woman's husband turns on her and divorces her becasue he does not believe his wife. So your situation is very typical. 

I have no idea if your wife was raped or not. Either you trust your wife or you don't. And if you don't you may as well divorce her.

There is one other path and that's the accept that you will never know. And if your wife is willing to work with you to rebuild your marriage, you two can end up with a stronger marriage and move on.

If you want to rebuild your marriage, there are two books that would help you quite a bit. "Love Buseters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you woudl need to read them in that order and do the work that they suggest, together.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Many married women who cheat will go on to say that they were forced into sex. A woman who is raped doesn't carry on a close relationship with their rapist, and no case against him would stand up because of that.
Sorry, I appreciate that you want to believe that she wasn't willing, but its not looking that way at all. She lied for ages and now it seems she is still lying. 
She is making excuses as to why she didn't tell you or the police at the time, and is desperately hoping that you will leave it. 
I am betting that the man will have a very different story. IF I was raped I would tell my husband immediately and the police as well. 

You can't really tell the wife because you don't know the truth. Yes they had sex, maybe several times, but you can't say he raped her.

How about suggesting a polygraph? You don't need to actually have one, but if you show her that you are going to book one just to make sure, you may eventually get the truth.

Also please get tested for STD's.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Do a more complete search. I'm sure you can't really be naive enough to believe her. Probably you just don't want to believe what you really know. It's a common problem with those who have been hit with an adulterous spouse. Listen to the others! Don't rush into R. Do your 180 now!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Surely as a husband, a man, a man with children, if your wife was raped you tell the police.

Is this even a question? The reasons you gave, can there be any justification?

How does one arrange to go on dates after being raped?

Tell your wife you are going to the police and you're going to file a report then the police will likely take him in for questioning.


I'm going to bow out now because infidelity is bad enough but lying about rape is even worse only topped by inaction if rape has actually occurred. There are no reasons not to report. 

None.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

There's about a 99.9999% chance she's lying to you. Her story is over the top ridiculous on the face of it. I would tell her that if she wants to keep you, she had better report it to the police as a rape (or course she wont), or tell her you're going to go take his head off (don't actually do this!) just to see what her reaction is. Grab your car keys storm out the door and drive away angrily. Almost for sure she'll call to warn him. A voice activated recorder might come in handy to capture her reaction.

Look, I was in somewhat the same position as yourself. You look for any excuse to tell yourself it isn't true. I know how that is. But deep down you know what happened. If it walks like infidelity, and it talks like infidelity, it's infidelity. She needs to own it, and you need to decide what you want to do about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> Surely as a husband, a man, a man with children, if your wife was raped you tell the police.
> 
> Is this even a question? The reasons you gave, can there be any justification?
> 
> ...


Good point, and if you do tell her that you are going to report the rape the next day, she may well admit the affair.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Very odd that if she had been raped/sexually assaulted that she would pursue an on-going relationship with this guy. It's possible if she'd been through a traumatic experience she'd want to block out the incident and in the process not tell you or the police. But to try to arrange another secret get together?

Also, looking at it from his perspective, it takes some balls to rape someone and then turn round and accuse them of giving you an STD! Implausible. 

And your wife just seems a little hurt at the suggestion. "She mentioned that she has been with 1 person over 20 years so why would he be questioning her. " . Not - "You're the only person that's ever raped me!". Her "in 20 years" comment is consistent with someone talking about consensual sex, not an unwanted sexual advance.

Very sorry you're here. She minimising her whole consensual affair. This is not unusual. 

www.talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Your desire for your marriage/your wife seems to be affecting your judgement.

The texts between your wife and the other man about STDs is clear cut that there was sex. The fact that you questioned whether this could possibly be a "joke" demonstrates to me that you are under extreme duress and stress. Your desire for your wife/marriage and your long-term belief of your wife being loyal and honest is likely preventing you from seeing the reality of it.

Your wife has lied to you over and over about this subject. The story has changed several times. Now she "froze" while he had sex with her. Yet she was texting him to meet up for "fun and drinks." I'm not saying that it could not possibly be true, I'm saying that it probably is not true, given the situation. Her current assertion is just one possibility, and not a probable one. Meanwhile it seems that you have cherry-picked some research that this has happened to others and matches up with your wife's current assertions, while discounting other possibilities.

I am not saying not to reconcile with your wife. But perhaps you should research infidelity, read some stories here, and see how common many of the lies told to you are to numerous other stories here. She deleted all of her texts as you watched them disappear, then was going to discuss with you the specific texts to "explain" to you why it was all just a "joke" between them. This guy's story matches up exactly to your wife, which your wife later admits was a lie.

You just really don't have any basis to believe very much of what happened. You do know that they had sex at least once, that much because you have the texts between her and him saying so. And she admits to it. You know she was planning to meet with him, it was her decision, and I think "fun and drinks" did not include his family and you know it did not involve yours.

At the end of your post, you've seem to dropped completely that your wife has been flirting with another man, and pursuing him, also, professionally and romantically.

If your wife really was raped, she should get counseling from a counselor who has expertise in that area. That's the first step. You and I and likely many posters here will be unable to determine the veracity of it, and I don't know if a counselor would, but I'm guessing that they will be able to determine your wife's feelings and determine if it matches up. Although your wife's story seems improbable, mainly because of the other circumstances besides that "one night," I think you have to follow the route of getting her help while being open to all possibilities.

Your marriage was on auto-pilot and your wife was as much to blame as were you, if not more. It seems you want to reconcile and plan to, so continuing in trying to improve communications and togetherness is also something.

I definitely believe if your wife is dead set that this is the truth of what happened, that she should go to the police. You and I are not experts, so we don't know what will happen. Also I believe human resources for that corporation, or the owners, whoever has authority there, should be told, as well. From my inexpert observations, when one person makes a claim it might be unbelieved, but if and when others step forward, it takes it more serious. You and your wife might not be in the position to know that the police or human resources has received an accusation from this guy in the past.

Likewise, I believe it is important to tell the other man's wife. She may also be able to shed light on it.

Also, what are you going to do about your wife's flirtations with the other other man, the one your wife was recruiting? Are you going to broach how you feel about that with your wife?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Metoo ring a bell?


Tell her she need to file a police report immediatly. 


Shes lying to save her marriage.

Sorry bud this is probably not the first one


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Her suggesting a "fun and games" hook up with the man who raped her means she is in such severe denial she needs psychiatric help or is lying.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As EleGirl said, rape definitely happens that way.

The only problem with your wife’s story is the texting after the fact, and the fact the texts were deleted immediately after you discovered them.

Demand she provide you an unadulterated transcript of the texts. She should be able to get that from the phone carrier, and hand you the sealed envelope when it arrives.

Note, my wife allowed a friend to seduce her, no rape involved, in 1978. My wife is a pathological liar. She did a few things right. She told me about it, and she worked hard to show me with actions that she loves me, and was sorry and contrite and all that. 

I think the craziest situation might be salvageable. The tough part is figuring out what is in your wife’s heart.

Since my wife can’t be trusted to answer anything I can only trust actions. I have come to think it’s a lot safer and wiser to do that anyway.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Your situation is not unique. Many people's spouses cheat on them and then lie to cover it up. There is a tiny, tiny chance that things happened as she said, but if that is true, she's trying to hook up with a person that raped her. That's way crazy. Much more likely is that she got caught and doesn't want to come clean.

Decide if you want to reconcile with someone that is still lying to you. If I were in a similar circumstance and lying wasn't involved, I would definitely try to reconcile. But how can you reconcile with someone that is still violating your trust by continuing to lie? Unless you plan on keeping her on a literal leash, you'll spend the rest of your marriage worrying.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

For anyone buying her story, answer this: 

How can someone sleep through getting their clothes taken off and only wake up when sex is already happening?

Not buying any of her story.

Sorry OP, a lot more that you don't know about, unfortunately


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What really happened is that they were abducted by pirates who forced them to have sex as entertainment. She didn't want to tell you this because its sounds too much like a concocted story. Waking up in the middle of getting banged sound so much more believable.  And to make the rape story more believable, she wanted to meet with the boyfri---errrr---rapist for drinks and fun. BTW, I've got some bitcoin I need to sell at 50% of market. PM me and tell you where to send the deposit to secure the transaction.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I know people can sleep through having their clothes removed.

How many parents have put their children to bed, including redressing them into night clothes, without waking them up? The person’s ability to sleep through that doesn’t magically go away just because someone grows up.

TMI: I have undressed my wife in her sleep without waking her up, to put her to bed. And other times for other reasons.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

To answer the subject line bluntly: "Maybe A Unique Situation"

Unfortunately, NO this is not a unique situation, it's just another wayward spouse trying to pull the wool over the BS's eyes.

OP, listen to everyone here. You will probably enact the defense mechanism of they don't know your situation and they are jaded, etc, etc but trust me, the clues are in everything you wrote and they are written a million times over on these forums with the same source issue and the same results.


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## brokeninFL (Feb 9, 2018)

I thank you all for your replies. There is a lot of valuable advice from all of you and I appreciate it. I just want to address a few questions and maybe ask one or two more myself. In regards to the STDs, I visited my PCP earlier this week and I discussed what happened. He advised that since I have not shown any symptoms, there is a very rare chance that I contracted something. A blood test was done and I should have the results from that in regards to HIV sometime next week I believe. Next, I did not state in my OP post that the visit while she was training on the west coast was known by me and not hidden. Of course, I knew about this before I discovered the texts. Lastly, the individual who I originally thought was the OM has only had one contact with her and that was via a text. I read the text and he innocently was asking where or what she was up to. Her reply was that she is taking advantage of her time away from the old position to focus and reconnect with me and the kids. "after an awful year" and that was it. This was 10 days ago. She has basically given up her phone and over the last two weeks has rarely been on it. The new job will not be as consuming as the previous and I do not anticipate further phone issues. 

I think the most difficult part for me is the roller coaster ride of emotions that I am going through. A vast majority of you think that the lies are still there and continuing and I appreciate the harsh reality. It is so difficult to have an unbiased prospective when you are the one effected. I mean look at how I initially handled the whole joke thing. 

Any more thoughts on confronting the OM spouse? This is another area where I wonder if it will personally help me move on. I sit and ponder about it so much that it may very well be blocking my ability to move on. Is it for revenge or is it because I would like to know if I was in her shoes. I don't know.

As with most traumatic experiences in life, I will heal but be scarred. I'll do it with or without her and hopefully I become a better person because of this and am able to raise upstanding children who never have to go through this pain.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

> Any more thoughts on confronting the OM spouse? This is another area where I wonder if it will personally help me move on. I sit and ponder about it so much that it may very well be blocking my ability to move on. Is it for revenge or is it because I would like to know if I was in her shoes. I don't know.


I'd say confront, but you'd probably need proof to convince her.

If OM and your Wife are talking STD's, it's not really revenge. Also, wouldn't _you_ want to know?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

brokeninFL said:


> I thank you all for your replies. There is a lot of valuable advice from all of you and I appreciate it. I just want to address a few questions and maybe ask one or two more myself. In regards to the STDs, I visited my PCP earlier this week and I discussed what happened. He advised that since I have not shown any symptoms, there is a very rare chance that I contracted something. A blood test was done and I should have the results from that in regards to HIV sometime next week I believe. Next, I did not state in my OP post that the visit while she was training on the west coast was known by me and not hidden. Of course, I knew about this before I discovered the texts. Lastly, the individual who I originally thought was the OM has only had one contact with her and that was via a text. I read the text and he innocently was asking where or what she was up to. Her reply was that she is taking advantage of her time away from the old position to focus and reconnect with me and the kids. "after an awful year" and that was it. This was 10 days ago. She has basically given up her phone and over the last two weeks has rarely been on it. The new job will not be as consuming as the previous and I do not anticipate further phone issues.
> 
> I think the most difficult part for me is the roller coaster ride of emotions that I am going through. A vast majority of you think that the lies are still there and continuing and I appreciate the harsh reality. It is so difficult to have an unbiased prospective when you are the one effected. I mean look at how I initially handled the whole joke thing.
> 
> ...


Not to sound high and mighty because I am not, I try to stay as humble as possible, that's the way I was raised by 2 humble and great parents but ... I am a person that considers faith and what I believe in as a very important aspect of my life and it's how I make my decisions for the most part, with integrity, the things you do when no one is looking.

Having said that, I thought long and hard about telling the OM's wife. I didn't do it for so long because I had convinced myself that it was out of revenge and that's not how I want to live my life .... THEN with help, I started to see that it was a lot less about revenge and a lot more about fear about how my own spouse would react. I talked to my counselor about it and we talked about whether I would want to know or not, what was the right thing to do in regards of exposing this with the aspect of my beliefs. 

What I'm trying to say is that the reason, deep down that you don't want to tell the OMW is because of fear more than spite. In my opinion it's the right thing to do, even if not for you, take that out of the equation. It's the RIGHT thing that the she knows, for her own safety, well being and so she isn't being taken advantage of. You don't owe that to her legally but in the aspect of being a good human being, I think you should tell her. Get your ducks in a row and be prepared for her not believing you but get all of the evidence you have, present it to her in a respectful manner and with care for her life about to be turned upside down. That sounds bad but it's better for her life to be turned upside down and for her to have the upperhand in her case, then for her to get hit out of the blue by a husband that is a worthless POS doing everything his terms. It's not revenge, it's the right thing to do for HER


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## BellaBrooks (Feb 7, 2018)

I am very sympathetic to the insidious ways women get blamed for their own sexual assault. I have a lifetime of experience with female friends and family members who have experienced various forms of sexual assault, and I have my own history.

Sadly, based on the facts you provided, I feel certain that your wife is lying to you. You have to look at the details. Many women who are raped by an acquaintance do continue to have "amicable" interactions with the acquaintance, and often feel shame about it--as though it's somehow their fault. What they DO NOT DO. EVER. Is casually talk to that person about what happened or allude to it in any way--and vice versa. The aftermath of acquaintance rape, when the victim chooses not to tell, is a reinforced steel wall of mutual denial--for victim and perpetrator alike.

1) A real perpetrator will NOT casually talk to his victim afterwards about whether she gave him an STD. On the contrary, he will go to amazing extremes to deny that anything ever happened. He knows what he did. He will NOT bring it up, under any circumstances. He is praying that she won't either.

2) Victims, likewise, would NEVER go asking personal questions about their attacker's sexual issues with his wife, or entertain any sort of sex-related talk with him. She would be polite, maybe, but she would be completely panicking inside and ending the conversation as quickly as possible.

3) "Have you BEEN WITH anyone else, other than me?" Yeah...no. Those are not the words of someone who is speaking to someone who sexually assaulted her. Again, especially so soon after the incident, they would be in a place of both trying very hard to deny that anything ever happened. Uttering those words would be as painful as eating glass, for someone who is trying to survive their trauma by erasing the facts of it.

4) If your wife was recovering from trauma, and not just guilt, she would be really, really "off" in how she reacted to your accusations. For you to confront her with BOTH 1) the reality of what happened to her (bye bye denial) and; 2) accusing her of cheating/ threatening to leave her, her reaction would be some form of crazy. It would not be so so SO typical of every cheating spouse that ever got caught:

Escalating spoonfuls of the truth. Trying to blame you for WHAT SHE DID because you've been a crappy communicator. Begging you to forgive her. Apologizing and backpedaling, amending and correcting and covering up. Until you've completely lost touch with your own, instinctive ability to know what the truth even looks or feels like anymore and all that remains is a desperate, desperate, desperate hope that this isn't real--in some way. That's what makes the lies so seductive. You really, really want her lies to be true. I always wanted my husband's lies to be true too. Because if they're not, you have to let the sky fall down on you and crush you.

I know you must feel like, if you get this wrong, you're the worst human in the world--blaming your wife for something that could never be her fault.

So I'll end on one piece of advice that helped me: there is a TedTalk called "How To Spot a Liar." It talks about the little signs and signals that people give when they are lying to you. Watch the video, study it. Then talk to your wife again about what happened. Look for the signs, and also be really aware of your intuitive feelings about whether she is telling you the truth. They probably feel broken right now, but they're not. Trust your gut. Always. ()


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

brokeninFL

So sorry you are here. Listen to these people. 

1.) Who jokes about giving someone an std?

2.) Women can handle rape in all kinds of ways, but given the info, my bet is on the fact she is covering up for an affair. I don't think she was raped at all.

3.) The other man's wife needs to know, but I think maybe wait until after she delivers her baby?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Real perpetrators walk up to the victim and laugh In her face when she cries. They say don’t worry you’ll feel better after I hurt you some more.

Real perpetrators go back for more over and over. Especially if the victim is at all vulnerable. 

My wife was a victim. I know very little about it. I will never know more. But I do know my wife said she thinks the perpetrator thought he was doing something good for her by raping her.

Edit: it’s not easy to bring up. Mary was nine years old when it started. It’s just that I can’t feel right not speaking up about the evil that lurks in the heart of real perpetrators. No one knows what that man is capable of.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

By the way, regarding the Other Man and his wife after my wife’s affair.

The OM and his wife got divorced. It was satisfying to see. So while making sure the other spouse knows may not be particularly helpful in any direct way, maybe it will explode their marriage.

Should I have been happy over that? Oh, who knows. I was, though.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> By the way, regarding the Other Man and his wife after my wife’s affair.
> 
> The OM and his wife got divorced. It was satisfying to see. So while making sure the other spouse knows may not be particularly helpful in any direct way, maybe it will explode their marriage.
> 
> Should I have been happy over that? Oh, who knows. I was, though.


And to OP, if it does explode the marriage, this is not your fault but his and his alone!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> And to OP, if it does explode the marriage, this is not your fault but his and his alone!




Yes.

Absolutely.

Never, ever think it’s in any way on you.

I failed to add that because the idea their problems, after I made sure his wife knew about the affair, might have been even the tiniest part my fault would have never entered my mind. If anyone had even hinted at that possibility I would have scorched the earth as I burned them, figuratively.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I know people can sleep through having their clothes removed.
> 
> How many parents have put their children to bed, including redressing them into night clothes, without waking them up? The person’s ability to sleep through that doesn’t magically go away just because someone grows up.
> 
> TMI: I have undressed my wife in her sleep without waking her up, to put her to bed. And other times for other reasons.


Kids are different than adults. If no alcohol and no drugs are involved, I would think it would be unlikely not to be awakened by clothing removal, no matter how tired.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Yes.
> 
> Absolutely.
> 
> ...


I knew what you meant  But we know based upon the frame of mind OP has now, he might have taken that as an excuse not to if read the wrong way.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

I would tell his wife and file for divorce.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

brokeninFL said:


> It is so difficult to have an unbiased prospective when you are the one effected. I mean look at how I initially handled the whole joke thing.


I'm glad you recognize this bias problem, but even more so, you also should be aware that when we are in emotional shock and experiencing intense pain, we lose our critical thinking ability. Instead, we yearn to find something that will simply reduce the pain. Therefore, don't make any long-term decisions about your marriage during this period. You will feel differently in four or five months and you will be able to think more clearly and make better decisions.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> I knew what you meant  But we know based upon the frame of mind OP has now, he might have taken that as an excuse not to if read the wrong way.




Yes.

When my wife screwed up, or whichever direction it was, within a week I went from my mild mannered normal self to raging hulk ready to turn people into paste.

But Mary has always maintained she was never afraid of me. She never stopped lying to me, and she cried all the time, but supposedly she was never afraid. But I was, as the saying goes.

I never knew guys would be conciliatory towards a wife who cheated and lied until I started reading this board.

Thank you for the additions, for sure.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ask your wife to go to the police and file a report. If she balks...you'll know.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

" My wife responded accordingly, something along the lines of what problems, she is pregnant so that is something. He went on to explain that she is experiencing a discharge and questioned my wife about having any STDs. My wife responded flustered and upset. She mentioned that she has been with 1 person over 20 years so why would he be questioning her. She goes on to ask the question "Was there anyone else besides me?" My ohh noo radar is going off the charts at the time I read this. I continue to read and she continues to be defensive about the questioning and then says, "I am clean! Unless you gave me something!" I was slowly breaking apart inside. These texts took place around January 15. He goes on to apologize and she continues to say how crummy it is that he would ask."


This simply puts the lie to her whole story. She is livid because her rapists accuses her of being diseased ans infecting his sweet innocent pregnant wife. Their effing party was mutual and fun. That's why she was also suggesting going to the beach,drinking and having more fun.

You are in denial.

First talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row for what may be a divorce. 

She want you because she knew he was only into it for a roll in the hay. She was happy to have more rolls though.

Find a polygraph operator that local law enforcement uses and make an appointment.

Tell your wife her story has so many holes you need to know the truth and you have made the appt. She may come clean right then. This is so damning however that there needs to be questions about other flings.

How did her STD test come out?

How has your sex life gone in the last year or two? Usually cheating women slow down or cut off their husbands. When he told her they may have an STD did she stop sex with you?

Unfortunately, you now need to have your children DNA tested, no matter if they look like you or not.

Also unfortunately, if you can look over the affair, you have to go shock and awe. Playing nice will lead directly to divorce. She must regain her respect for you. If she thinks you're dumb enough to believe this story, you will be in for a long ride through Hell.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sir,

Your W is lying and minimizing. The text conversation between OM and your W that concerned discharge from the OM pregnant W was to familiar/friendly. In short, if OM did in fact rape your W then texting to check on any STD would not be in the cards IMO. OM would look to bury it as deep as possible. The only good that came from that text is it appears it was one time. Second, your W said in the text she was with only one person in 20 years. That would be you. I would take that as the only truth in this matter.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

brokeninFL said:


> Any more thoughts on confronting the OM spouse? This is another area where I wonder if it will personally help me move on. I sit and ponder about it so much that it may very well be blocking my ability to move on. Is it for revenge or is it because I would like to know if I was in her shoes. I don't know.


Do not look at the OM spouse as a confrontation. You are both in the same boat. She is a innocent bystander who's world is about to change just like yours. OM spouse should know what type of H she has and soon to be father to her child. 

When you do make contact have the copies of text available to the OM spouse. Tell her what you know as fact. OM spouse will now be your eyes and ears to keep OM the hell away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to do the humane thing and tell this guys wife. She needs to know she is married to a rapist. I would also tell her that your wife told you she was raped. If it wasn't rape he is going to fight that very hard, that almost guarantees you are going to get the real story.

Next you have a responsibility to tell the authorities because if it is a rape he can do it again to someone elses wife. I think first you should tell your wife this and tell her you want to report it. If she is lying I doubt she will go through with it. Again you will get the true story. 

If it is at true story then her career is not going to be hurt. Have her got to HR. I mean have you been paying attention to what is going on with the Metoo movement. I this guy did just jump on her when she was sleeping it's going to end his career, and it should. Again you need to be strong and protect your wife. If it's true another man raped your wife you need to destroy him for it. It will help her too in the long run. Protect your wife! And other women while you are at it. 

If she says she doesn't want to go to the police at least go to HR.

Thing is to me it sounds like your wife had a run of the mill affair and has lied about it in the worst way imaginable. She wanted to take away her responsibility but in fact by doing that she has made the story sound like rape. I would bet money this was an ongoing sexual affair. Your wife is not the women you thought she was and she most definitely is not your best friend. 

Only you can decide if you want to stay with her. I think you need to look at what your quality of life would be.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Do not look at the OM spouse as a confrontation. You are both in the same boat. She is a innocent bystander who's world is about to change just like yours. OM spouse should know what type of H she has and soon to be father to her child.
> 
> When you do make contact have the copies of text available to the OM spouse. Tell her what you know as fact. OM spouse will now be your eyes and ears to keep OM the hell away.


And don't tell your wife you are doing this. See if she finds out, if she does then you know they are still in contact.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> And don't tell your wife you are doing this. See if she finds out, if she does then you know they are still in contact.


^^^very definitely!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

They say it takes 2-5 years. But then there are many posts when it's 10, 20, 30, even 40 years out where the person says it still feels like yesterday. Some at least say that they are completely over it. I think a lot depends on if she is telling the truth or not, and if you can believe her.

If she is telling the truth then she didn't cheat on you at all she was assaulted. If she is lying then she is a women who was willing to call another man a rapist to avoid consequences. That doesn't make her a real great catch. But then again people who have affairs tend to be bad at relationships in general, despite what you may read. Most of the time they are broken in some way. Their MO is to lie for instance, take the way the makes them feel the best at the time. 

I would say stop worrying about getting over it and work on finding out what you are really getting over. Time to do some serious investigating. Only then can you decide where you want to go. 

Uncertainty and lack of agency in your own life is what is killing your spirit right now. Take it back and start being active.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She is lying. Sit down with all your posts and several different colored highlighters. Highlight each detail in a different color. You will see how many lies she has told you. She has told many lies, changing her story several times.

Regarding the alleged rape: do you really believe that she didn't wake up the entire time he was unzipping her pants, pulling them off her heavy, sleeping hips and legs, removing her undies, getting her body into the right position, getting on top of her and inserting his member into her?? 

Is she really that heavy a sleeper? When I was a college student I would sometimes take a nap on a couch in a large quiet sitting/study room. Even though I was sleeping, I was aware that I was not in my own, safe bed at home. Had anyone so much as touched my arm I would have been wide awake in an instant.

You wife has admitted to intercourse via her rape story because she knows she can't get out of it, due to his texts asking if she had an STD. She still doesn't want you to know she was a willing participant, so she accuses him of rape, while she is sleeping.

Since your wife is an adult, I don't believe you will be able to report the rape for her. She will have to do it herself. Tell her you are driving her to the police station to report the rape. Then listen to all the things she says to convince you that she shouldn't report it.

Because she is in denial and you have proof she had an affair, you need to decide if you even want to continue being married to such a person.

To the poster who compared a sleeping adult to a sleeping baby or toddler: little people sleep very heavily, especially when they feel safe. Adults do not sleep as heavily except for rare exceptions.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> And don't tell your wife you are doing this. See if she finds out, if she does then you know they are still in contact.


You also don't tell her you intend to do this or are planning it because she might go nuts trying to talk you out of it {to defend OM but more often for fear of repercussions - do not be afraid} and when you do it anyway {because it's absolutely the right thing to do} you'll just be driving a wedge between you and your wife. She MIGHT even make an attempt or successfully contact the guy to warn him and that'll make exposing to the OM's wife even harder. OM will try to thwart your attempts to communicate with her while also warning her about some crazy possessive husband of a co-worker that's been threatening him for being supportive of your so-called abused wife. OM will have his wife believing you are a threat to their family and she won't listen to you or care what you have to say.

Forewarned is forearmed.

In addition. As long as your wife {and you} keep the secret from OM's wife he will remain personally tied to your wife and THINK he can try to contact her secretly again and pursue another secret hookup with her. Married OM's don't exactly like taking risks so maintaining contact with women that have demonstrated the ability to keep his secrets is commonplace. Once you tell his wife --- then you and your wife become personae non-gratae and he'll try to throw your wife under the bus as some office floozy that hit on him for a promotion or even that she raped him. Most likely he'll just deny it.

Exposure has risks and consequences but ultimately those consequences are a result of the dirty nasty secret adulterous sex they had and NOT sharing the truth with innocent parties. 

I have known betrayed wives who dragged their wayward husband's over to the OW's house to apologize to expose themselves and apologize to the OW's betrayed husband face to face but that never seems to work the other way around. Telling the OM's wife is your job and don't do it anonymously - face to face if you can but on the phone works too, if you can be absolutely sure it's her {another benefit of not giving any warnings}.


By the way --- I'm happily recovered for two decades now. Recovery happens all the time in real life whereas these type forums seem to attract a lot of betrayed spouses {divorced or still married} that didn't recover and like to portray it as nearly or almost impossible. I also don't believe your wife's story but her lying isn't that unusual. She's scared and rightfully fearful of losing you. If she didn't care at all she'd just be honest about it and hurt you as much as she could. I think getting to the truth is important because it's the foundation of your potential reconciliation. But on the 1% chance she was assualted|raped --- tread carefully.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Helping hide the affair will just enable her behavior.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Ah yes, the ole regret that I slept with someone so claim rape accusation. Those are all the rage these days. I'd bet a month's salary that is an absolute lie. Especially considering her attempts to do it again.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

It sounds like she is piece mealing the truth to you to temper your reaction. Your heart wanted to believe it was a joke and it wants to believe she wasn’t a completely willing participant. But everything you have said points to the fact that she knew exactly what she was doing. She wants to save her marriage so she is probably willing to say whatever necessary to do that. Trust your gut right now. If YOU also want to save the marriage, then demand honesty. It’s going to hurt, but that’s part of the process. You and your wife can heal, but it has to start with full disclosure.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

He said his wife stated she wanted to hire OM on to new job. Think about that. She has trick truthed every chance she got. If someone was assaulted they wouldn't try to hire that person on at their next job. Don't be a fool.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

OP, I did not find out my H cheated on me until my son was 10 years old. It took almost 5 more years before I found out that H started cheating when I was pregnant with my son. Had I known that at the time, I am certain I would have left and we would have either worked through things and reconciled with complete truthfulness, or we would have divorced and I would have been able to move on much sooner. I would have deemed it a kindness if someone had told me he was cheating at the time. I would have looked at it as someone caring for me as a human being, not just collateral damage. Please tell his wife. She deserves to know. 

She also deserves to know that her H has been accused of rape. I hope for your wife's sake that she isn't lying about the rape because I think there's a special place in hell for people who would accuse someone of something that horrific just to try to save their own skin.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Also tell her to take a polygraph. I bet her story changes yet again.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

thedope said:


> He said his wife stated she wanted to hire OM on to new job. Think about that. She has trick truthed every chance she got. If someone was assaulted they wouldn't try to hire that person on at their next job. Don't be a fool.


Different guy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He is kind of emotional right now. His story telling may not be as lucid as readers might hope.

Remember the possibilities. 

But the highest probability is the likeliest reality.

Never believe what a cheating wife tells you. No matter what, never believe a word out of her mouth.


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