# Teasing = playing or hurting



## vance67 (Mar 22, 2010)

Among other things, my wife likes to make fun of certain physical features. I have a slight double chin which I can do nothing about short of surgery (family trait). I have always been self-concious about it. Well, she likes to make fun of it. I have told her NUMEROUS times that this kind of joking hurts my feelings, makes me feel self conscious, and basically ticks me off. She knows good and well I am sensitive about this, but regardless, she still occasionally makes snide jokes about it. When I protest she tells me "I'm just kidding." or "Lighten up." or "It was just a joke." or some other such thing. I have asked nicely, rudely, pleadingly, and commandingly... to no avail. She still does it. What can I do?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Does she do this in public or only in private?

Are you overweight?

And what is it that she is self conscious about/insecure about? 

How long have you been together? 

Is she mildly sadistic in general or just on this one single point? 

How are things physically? Is she attracted to you? You to her? Healthy sex life? 

Is there something she is angry at you about? Why do you think she might be trying to grind you down in terms of your self image?



vance67 said:


> Among other things, my wife likes to make fun of certain physical features. I have a slight double chin which I can do nothing about short of surgery (family trait). I have always been self-concious about it. Well, she likes to make fun of it. I have told her NUMEROUS times that this kind of joking hurts my feelings, makes me feel self conscious, and basically ticks me off. She knows good and well I am sensitive about this, but regardless, she still occasionally makes snide jokes about it. When I protest she tells me "I'm just kidding." or "Lighten up." or "It was just a joke." or some other such thing. I have asked nicely, rudely, pleadingly, and commandingly... to no avail. She still does it. What can I do?


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

If it hurts you, then it is not playing. It is teasing. I think it's unfortunate that she feels so entitled to hurt you this way. I would never do that to anyone, let alone someone I love.

So far as what you can do about it.... Well, it sounds like you are telling her in every reasonable way possible that it is causing you pain. Have you sat her down for a serious heart-to-heart about it? It may be that if you just protest in the moments when she actually says something that she isn't really understanding just how deeply this is bothering you. Perhaps an "official" discussion about it would have more of an impact with her.

I wish you the best of luck. I know what it feels like to feel belittled. It really is awful.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Teasing is only playing when the person being teased doesn't mind or isn't bothered. You are clearly bothered, which means it falls into the hurtful category. 

I agree that you need to sit down with her, when she hasn't teased you, and tell her again, very clearly, how it makes you feel. When you do that, I would find some feature or some thing that she does, and come up with something hurtful to say about it, and ask her, "How would you feel if I always said..."

If she still doesn't get it after that, then it's time to find a stronger way to make your point. Walk away from her when she does it; sleep on the couch or make her sleep on the couch; loudly demand that she stop it if you're in front of others (embarrass her the way she's embarrassing you). 

Good luck!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I have a big nose and big ears. Was teased as a kid but at some point in my life it stopped bothering me.

However on occasion my wife will tease me about it and it will get under my skin and I will fire off something like "You wouldn't like me to say something about your belly, would you?"

it may be childish but it can drive the point home real fast.


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## vance67 (Mar 22, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Does she do this in public or only in private?
> 
> Are you overweight?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the help! To answer the above questions: Yes I am a bit overweight, but not bad (6'2". 214 lbs. and losing), our sex life is good, yes, she IS mildly sadistic in general, we've been together for 6 years, I think she is gorgeous, she says she is attracted to me, she only does this in private. 

I really don't think she does it in order to hurt me. I think, in the moment, her desire for self-amusement supersedes all other urges. And when I get upset, she is genuinely baffled. I get the impression that if she thought I didn't care, she would stop. But my gut-level reaction is intense, so it is hard for me to act like "So what? Yeah, yeah". But maybe that is all I can do.

Or I could childishly kid back, like you suggested Chris. But that seems really negative.

I have tried to sit her down for a heart to heart. She always seems to be sorry and apologetic. But sure enough, a couple or three weeks later, she does it again.

I love her, but in general she is a bratty/princess/diva type. 

Again, I appreciate all the help!!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

vance67 said:


> I really don't think she does it in order to hurt me. I think, in the moment, her desire for self-amusement supersedes all other urges. And when I get upset, she is genuinely baffled. I get the impression that if she thought I didn't care, she would stop.


Wait. If you DIDN'T care, she would stop. But your upset leaves her baffled? That makes no sense.



> But my gut-level reaction is intense, so it is hard for me to act like "So what? Yeah, yeah". But maybe that is all I can do.
> 
> Or I could childishly kid back, like you suggested Chris. But that seems really negative.


I think that is a bad idea. I envision a cycle of tit-for-tattery that would be hard to escape.

If it were me, I would look to limit setting type behavior. The next time she does it, calm as a cucumber, I would say I have told you numerous times that I don't care for that joking. I don't feel very loving toward you right now and don't wish to speak to you. And leave the room, house, car (I WOULD pull over, hand her the keys and get out). Or ask her to pull over is she is driving. If she tries to speak to me, I would say WHEN you can refrain from mean jokes, THEN I will be interested in resuming conversation with you. Period.

Yes it is like handling a kid. But I guess that is what limit setting is like. She is acting a bit like a kid by disrespecting your boundaries.




> I have tried to sit her down for a heart to heart. She always seems to be sorry and apologetic. But sure enough, a couple or three weeks later, she does it again.
> 
> I love her, but in general she is a bratty/princess/diva type.
> 
> Again, I appreciate all the help!!!


Limit setting. Seriously. That is the only way you are going to get through to her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think she needs professional help to get to the bottom of why she does this. "Bullies" torment others in order to feel good about themselves, perhaps there is something about herself that she doesn't feel so good about?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Vance,
My W is mildly sadistic. She is also an incredible partner. Very rarely is the sadism a pure self amusement move on her part. Instead it is almost always that she wants to play and wants to play rough. So when she deliberately provokes me I just reply with a soft "what did you just say to me?" response. And then we wrestle and if she continues to provoke she gets a spanking. 

And that is because she likes some friction / conflict. It turns her on. 

A few quick clarifying points:
1. I have never hit her or threatened to hit her - with the intent to intimidate or hurt.
2. I am not a violent guy by any definition.
3. I do allow her to "box" with me - she hits - I block. She is only allowed to hit above the belt and below the neck. Boxing usually morphs into wrestling.....

This is purely some type of foreplay that I have learned to respond "properly" to. The wrestling usually goes to me pinning her and tickling her a little while I softly ask her "what did you say darling I didn't quite hear you?". I do NOT tickle her in a mean - till she can't breath way. This is all a game and it is played in a manner that allows her to defuse/terminate or escalate as she wishes. 

I am starting to think your W may want the same response. 

Before I "cracked the code" I saw this is just plain mean. And often the things she said did hurt my feelings. 

Once I realized she was directly trying to produce an "alpha" response, and turned it into the dominance game she wanted, it didn't feel bad any more. 

I am sorry you feel bad. Believe me I have been right there with you. But I think you might be missing a signal to play an incredibly fun game. You just need to learn exactly how she wants to "play". I will be shocked if there isn't a physical/sexual aspect to it. 



vance67 said:


> Thanks for the help! To answer the above questions: Yes I am a bit overweight, but not bad (6'2". 214 lbs. and losing), our sex life is good, yes, she IS mildly sadistic in general, we've been together for 6 years, I think she is gorgeous, she says she is attracted to me, she only does this in private.
> 
> I really don't think she does it in order to hurt me. I think, in the moment, her desire for self-amusement supersedes all other urges. And when I get upset, she is genuinely baffled. I get the impression that if she thought I didn't care, she would stop. But my gut-level reaction is intense, so it is hard for me to act like "So what? Yeah, yeah". But maybe that is all I can do.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Vance,
> My W is mildly sadistic. She is also an incredible partner. Very rarely is the sadism a pure self amusement move on her part. Instead it is almost always that she wants to play and wants to play rough. So when she deliberately provokes me I just reply with a soft "what did you just say to me?" response. And then we wrestle and if she continues to provoke she gets a spanking.
> 
> And that is because she likes some friction / conflict. It turns her on.
> ...


MEM, 

Happy to see your posts again. 

I have been missing your posts!


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## shem (Nov 19, 2010)

@ the originator of this message. Sometimes it is okay to play for the sake of having fun, however when it begins to get out of hand, it is no longer fun. Teasing and everything in life should have boundaries. "Respect" is extremely important!!!!!

I understand your wife has a diva/princess attitude, however she should be be respectful to you. Respect should be mutual. I also understand that you do not want to tease her back-and I agree with you. This will only add fuel to the fire, however you must put your foot down no matter what! 

Since she's behaving like an insensitive child, you must put her in her place "set her straight" by being consistent. Tell her if her behavior contiues you will move out (and mean it). Move out into a hotel, motel, or with a friend until she calls you and apologizes for her insensitive behavior. By moving out, you are putting your foot down-and showing her that you are really serious about the teasing-it's disrespectful. I am a firm believer that action speaks louder than words. Another thing, don't feel like you are going to lose her if you move out, she's not going anywhere "trust me". If you do this-and more importantly "follow through" she will learn her lesson. 

Another suggestion, if she continues once you move back in after a week or two, put on your poker face-and give her a verbal warning about the teasing. If she doesn't stop-and continues with the teasing-leave and do not return for a month or longer until she learns her lesson. You do not have to accept disrepect of any kind. 

Also, she may feel like she's doing you a favor by being with you. She's not! There are plenty of more fish in the sea. You shouldn't treat her like she's God's gift to men. If you do, she will walk all over you. Remember to always be respectful. In order to receive respect you must give it. 

Another thing, if you don't go to the gym, start woking out,toning up and becoming more desirable. This way, she will feel you are out looking or trying to impress other women. Trust me I'm a woman, she will fly straight then. I wish you all the best! Tak care!!!

Good luck with everything smile!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Vance,
> My W is mildly sadistic. She is also an incredible partner. Very rarely is the sadism a pure self amusement move on her part. Instead it is almost always that she wants to play and wants to play rough. So when she deliberately provokes me I just reply with a soft "what did you just say to me?" response. And then we wrestle and if she continues to provoke she gets a spanking.
> 
> And that is because she likes some friction / conflict. It turns her on.
> ...


Vance,

Your wife sounds like mine. Figure out the game and enjoy it.

I believe MEM is on the mark.


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## vance67 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks everyone. MEM, it sounds right. That is her. Because she HATES it when I get upset, implying I'm weak, etc. So you're right, I bet. I need to ALPHA-MALE this situation. I wouldn't mind if everytime she teased me we wound up in the bedroom! :smthumbup:

I will try a combo of the Alpha-male, limit setting, move out if necessary approach. Sounds like it will do the trick. I'll let you know! Thanks again everyone!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vance67 said:


> Thanks everyone. MEM, it sounds right. That is her. Because she HATES it when I get upset, implying I'm weak, etc. So you're right, I bet. I need to ALPHA-MALE this situation. I wouldn't mind if everytime she teased me we wound up in the bedroom! :smthumbup:
> 
> I will try a combo of the Alpha-male, limit setting, move out if necessary approach. Sounds like it will do the trick. I'll let you know! Thanks again everyone!!!


Vance,

Check out the sticky thread in the Men's Clubhouse.

Much food for thought there.

Do yourself a favor and read it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Vance,
Good luck. One other thought for you. She may be doing other little things to provoke an alpha response. Be on the lookout for them. When she does them be playfully aggressive. Don't seem hurt or angry. This is ONLY my opinion but there are loosely speaking two different types of alpha:
- Tony Soprano/thug alpha: This is based on anger and often uncontrolled aggression. 
- Atholk alpha: This is based on
1. Exceptional self control - he isn't visibly angry he is however determined to change YOUR behavior
2. He starts out playful and dominant - you might end up laughing as you do what he asks
3. He becomes less playful and more dominant very quickly as needed
4. He may inject a sharp edge into his voice - that edge will scare the sheeeeiiit out of you if you know him





vance67 said:


> Thanks everyone. MEM, it sounds right. That is her. Because she HATES it when I get upset, implying I'm weak, etc. So you're right, I bet. I need to ALPHA-MALE this situation. I wouldn't mind if everytime she teased me we wound up in the bedroom! :smthumbup:
> 
> I will try a combo of the Alpha-male, limit setting, move out if necessary approach. Sounds like it will do the trick. I'll let you know! Thanks again everyone!!!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Moving out because of this issue is totally ridiculous. There are much worse problems a marriage can have.

Sit down with your wife and have serious talk about the teasing. My husband likes to tease me too, but if it goes too far, I simply let him know and he apologizes. See? No separation needed for something so trivial.


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