# I think my husband is losing his mind



## Carisma

I need some rational input. I cannot talk to anyone in my RL because I don't want to have them look down on my husband. 

Any feedback is appreciated...though I am sure this just doesn't even make any sense because I am so emotional and upset right now.

There is a lot of history - we have been married for 18 years. I did not realize prior to our marriage that he comes from an incredible amount of crazy and he was abused as a child. He hid the "off" side pretty well when we were dating. 

When we got married I left school to be a wife/mother. I worked a series of small jobs while he had a very good, 6 figure income. I was just working to be busy and very happy in my life. Then we were faced with some female health issues on my part and had to make the decision of kids now or never because I had a condition that needed surgery that would likely end in hysterectomy but there was a chance that a pregnancy would resolve the condition - if we did want kids ever we better do it now. We did want kids, well I did and he said he did. We had 5 pregnancies to get 2 kids and things were good for a while. 

Then about 11 years ago he went through 3 different layoffs in 2 years. He could have found something stable but he was becoming increasing unstable. He had decided that the meds he was on for depression were not helping and he quit taking them. Then he became increasing moody, mean, verbally unkind, pretty much irrational. He took a job doing something that made less than 1/3 of his prior income and at that time we had just decided to home school our kids so I was at home with them and not working. He had promised me all along, because it was very important to me, that I could be a stay at home mom...that was a priority to both of us. So...since i had to contribute income because he wasn't making enough for us and he had lost the insurance when he got laid off, I got trained and started working at a job I could do in the medical industry from home. That worked well because I could work in the wee hours of the morning when everyone was asleep and then home school my kids during the day. It was a win/win for about 6 years. 

All through that time he was saying he was going to find a "real job". Something to get back into his industry, but he had to find the right opportunity. The reality is he never tried. He hates his job, but he won't do anything to find something else. He is doing manual labor with a master's degree. I am worn to a frazzle, so tired I cannot hardly stay upright....when the writing appeared on the wall that due to changes in the laws of health-care, my job will be disappearing in the next 3 years. Because I don't want to try to find a job at walmart, the only other job I am qualified for. So, I started school. I was able to qualify for financial aide, I have gotten scholarships etc. 

I am doing very well. I am slated to be an RN in just 4 more semesters. My husband has not done anything to change his employment situation. He says that he should be the one going to school - I told him I wasn't quitting but he could qualify for financial aid too, got him all the paperwork, showed him how to check out the classes on line etc, he never did anything with it. He tries to back me in a corner and get me to say that I am going to school because I don't believe in him. I try not to get caught, but the bottom line is, if he wanted to do something, he would have. He doesn't. Somebody has to! Our kids are nearly college age. We need more income. I am tired of working all the time. I have not had a day off in 8 years. I want to have a job where I work when I work and I am home when I don't work. Working from home is HARD.

He is depressed, he has stomach problems because of his depression but he won't listen to me. He will go on a medication because I beg him to then find some obscure little article about some side effect and he develops that particular side effect so he has to stop the medication.

He keeps saying things like when I am done with school I will just take the kids and leave him. That was never my plan...but the more difficult he makes life for me the closer that is to being a reality. It isn't what I want but I cannot live this way.

Anyway, I know this is a novel here....but things have gone from bad to worse this month. The day before my most intense semester so far started, his mom died suddenly. For the most part these people have not been our lives as much more than an obligation. However, her illnesses in the past couple years have opened a door where we were connecting more with them and every time we did they had a horrible impact on my husband. He would be crabby and unkind for days afterwards, almost like it took a while for the poison to get out after interacting with them. Well, her death has really just opened up the door to the family's ick - and it has infected my husband. 

It seems like he is trying to destroy my success at school. He commits to study with me or help me with something in the house and then he "loses it" and won't do it and somehow it is because I brought up a taboo subject, or I did some thing that caused him to not help me. But I am feeling so incredibly confused. 

I know that some of these behaviors sound very much like borderline personality, and he has been through a lot of therapy. We know that he is the product of a borderline mother and a crazy father. But he has never been diagnosed as borderline. The counselors have told him he has learned borderline behaviors as a result of his growing up, which is pretty much what borderline is I think...but anyway....there it is, in all the ugly truth....I just need help.

I am sinking in school, behind in everything. Every time I try to go to study group my husband has some issue - throws 80 pounds of "weight" on my shoulders, leaves me falling apart and he leaves the house. When I need to do something urgently, or have a time deadline, he always does something to try to destroy it or opens some door that means that the only way I can be on time is to just walk out in the middle of a "discussion" and then he is upset with me. I feel like I am in a hopeless situation....but there is no way out right now. I have always said the bad things were balanced out by the wonderful person he was when it was just us and our family...but at this point, I haven't seen that person for a while. 

I know that part of it is my stress level, the fact that I am getting very little sleep, he is laid off for the winter (his work is seasonal) and winter is always bad because he is particularly moody etc, he is trying to grieve for something...but I need a friend, a support, a hero...instead I feel like he is a soul sucking zero trying to keep me from moving forward. 

I want to find what we used to have. I want to go back to the stress free days....I wish I understood what has happened to him, how to help him, how to fix this....but it just gets worse and worse. I am so stressed out I don't know what to do but sit here and cry.


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## EleGirl

You are going through a lot.

The first thing you need to do is withdraw some emotionally from him. It wil make you stronger. All of his anger, rants, and antics are about him, not you. When he pulls one of them realize this and do not let them pull you down.

One thing you can do is to study at school more. Or go to a local library. 

There is the 180 that people around here talk about. I wonder if you could come up with your own 180... tweak it to help yourself not allow him to cause you the problems you are experiencing.

Are your children still living at home? This is important to know for supporting you.


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## happysnappy

Unfortunately none of this is anything you can fix for him. I hear your frustration that he isn't changing. He is going to have to come to the realization that he wants to change. Try to focus on you and take care of you. Hopefully he'll wake up and smell the coffee.


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## Drover

This is largely about shame. I went through something similar to what he's going thru. He's depressed and ashamed and can't seem to find dig himself out of it. and to some extent he's taking out his own frustrations with himself on you. Similarly I had a 15 yr career with a six figure income and got burned out. I lost confidence in my ability to do that high pressure job and floundered around. No one could understand why I wouldn't return to my industry and I don't full understand it myself. But the worse I felt about it the more disconnected I got from my family. Talking about it just feels shameful so you avoid it. My advice is to be supportive and help him feel strong and loved. And help him find something else to do that he can do well...but also without making him feel shame, make him understand he HAS to find work to support his family.


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## Drover

*Re: Re: I think my husband is losing his mind*

If you're ready to be quit of him, best advice. If you want to stay in the marriage and help him, worst advice ever.


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## Drover

I will also say that a big part of what led to my own situation was a lack of satisfaction at home. I felt unloved and unwanted in a near sexless marriage in which she had not offered so much as a kiss hello or goodbye in years. Feeling unwanted takes a toll on a man (or woman). I didn't know how to get what I needed at the time, which made me feel even more inadequate. Hopefully you can help him to help himself.


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## curious2

I agree with Dover in that he is severely deppressed and ashamed. Things keep piling on and he can't dig himself out. He is in a downward spiral. On top of the depression that is making him stagnant, he is feeding his main fear....losing you and that fear is driving him to act in ways that will cause him to lose you and make that fear a reality. 

He feels like a total failure and is terrified that he will lose you once you gain the independence a new career will give you so he is sabotaging you.You have encouraged him to get help, offered suggestions to problems and he doesnt budge. 

Maybe its time for an ultimatum...get yourself help or you will lose me. Make him see how this is hurting him, you and your family, how you are scared for the future. Remind him of all his past accomplishments, that you love and believe in him but he needs help now. It might just be the kick in the butt he needs. 

Whatever you do, dont let him stop you from reaching your goals. Its sad, but you cant go under with him. If he refuses to do what he has to in order to help himself, what choice do you really have?


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## EleGirl

I agree with the others that depression and shame are a large part of what he is going through.

My husband did something similar in that he lost his 6 figure job and could not find a new one. So he gave up and became a recluse who did nothing put play computer games and surfed the web for sex sites.

We are divorced now. I got him to go back to school. He’s in his second semester and doing very well. He is getting a new degree so only has to do less than 2 years to finish. But this way he will have fresh skills to go into the job market.

You cannot make your husband change. The only thing you can do is to change the way you interact with him.


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## KeepLoveGrowing

I am in line with everyone's opinions on the cause. You can't fix this for him - depression is very personal and has to be beaten from the inside out. An ultimatum or playing hard ball may help. Marriage counselling or personal counselling for him may help.


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## Carisma

Thank-you for all your responses. As it turns out, I am pretty sure you are right about it taking away his confidence to get laid off. I have been so frustrated the last little while that he won't just DO something. But when I look back, I think of the strong, confident man I married who was a MAN if you know what I mean. Now he is just easily overwhelmed, doesn't like to make decisions etc. I try to encourage him and build him up all the time. I tell him I appreciate how hard he works for our family - he could have just done the unemployment thing and never gone beyond that but he immediately got another job, just not one that is making use of his education. I find that to be extremely frustrating. I am sure it does come through to some degree.

As far as not being satisfied, I don't believe that is the problem...in fact, he is the one that isn't interested most of the time. I have to do the aggression in that situation and sometimes it is yes, sometimes no...but what used to be VERY big priority for him is "take it or leave it" now. I am 100% sure he is not cheating because when he is not at work he is at home. He never, ever, ever goes anywhere or does anything.

There is one good thing that has happened here. His family has always been a terribly destructive force in his life. When we first got together he had cut them completely out of his life. He had no contact at all. But he was mean and harsh about it. However, because of the urging of me (dumb in retrospect) and his counselor, he tried to come up with a way to communicate with them that was not destructive. However, he was not successful and letting them in a little bit was not possible. 

Anyway, long story short, when his mom died, there were a couple CDs that were in the names of my husband and his sister. It was the inheritance that his mom got from her mom and she had put the kids names on it. When she died his dad was furious that it didn't go to him (a man with an absolutely horrible history with managing money). He called my husband ordered him to meet his dad at the bank and sign the money over to his dad. My husband was so shocked and angry over the behavior of his dad toward himself and his sister that he is done, feels able to walk away from the mess now. Of course, he is going to gladly accept the generous gift from his mom and I have told him it will be good to use some of that to be able to get back into some counseling so he has someone else to get some input and perspective from. I hope this will be a positive thing in the long run. He is willing to get IC and MC and he can shut the family back out of our lives.


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