# Sadness and Holidays



## TooNice

Im sure there is more out there on this, but I'll go ahead and start my own.

I'm posting here, to those of you who might already be past that awful year of "firsts". 

Any advice for the first holiday season? I'm not pining for my STBX or my marriage. I'm just so sad about the loss of tradition. For me. Everything we do is with his family, and he still gets all of it. I'm the one who has to find somewhere to be on Christmas Day. 

I just want to skip to NYE and my official new start. 

Any advice?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/176729-my-journal-making-about-me-now.html


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## Revamped

Don't go anywhere.

Repaint the living room a "happy" color you always dreamed about.

Plum? Canary yellow. Cherry red, midnight blue.

What ever your heart desires, at $25 a gallon!


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## Openminded

This is the perfect time to create new traditions. Last Christmas was the first Christmas since 1967 that I wasn't married so I did everything totally different and enjoyed it enormously. 

This year I will be celebrating more in tune with all those past Christmases but last year will always be my favorite Christmas because I was on my own for the first time ever. And, frankly, did a great job of it. So can you!


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## ne9907

This is my second year. I was sad last year... I just want someone to cuddle for Christmas....


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## dajam

This is my second year and to compound it my older brother has scheduled the family party on the 25th, again, fully knowing I work on Xmas day and have for a few years... this eliminates me from my families Holiday..... 

So I am creating my own happiness... I am going over to a friends house Saturday to celebrate an early Xmas, then the following weekend I am planning on getting together with some others folks who also had to work. So all in all.. it will be a great holiday. Making new traditions and enjoying the days that I can with people who care about me. It is good and I am actually happy as after the D I now realize who cares and who doesn't. A very good thing. 


Merry Xmas to all TAM members...


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## southbound

I agree with those who say start your own traditions. I know that is easier said than done. I know when someone is actually down, a few suggestions doesn't just snap you out of it, but look deep within yourself.

It's easy to convince ourselves we should be sad because we aren't celebrating like someone else or like we always have, but there may be different things you enjoy. 

I discovered i don't need all the hoopla of my in-laws traditions anyway. I found that i am happy just getting to do what i want. I found there is a lot less stress and hustle and bustle; I actually just enjoy the time.

On New year's Eve, i was in the movie theater with my son last year at 12:00 midnight. I had never done that before, but I found it rather enjoyable.


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## TooNice

Thanks everyone. It helps to hear different perspectives. 

The worst part for me is that my kids will not be with me. My in laws traditions are strong, and my kids SHOULD be there. I wouldn't take that from them. But it leaves me alone. 

There are other factors, too-like a 22 yo headstrong and independent stepchild who doesn't seem to understand that I feel like I've lost my marriage, my family, and one of my two children. 

I do have somewhere to go. We are doing Christmas morning with the kids and my ex, and then they will leave. I will probably let myself cry for awhile, then go to the home of a friend and her family. She struggles with the holidays since losing her parents, and invited several of us over. It will be nice. 

So, I am trying. The loss is just overwhelming some days.


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## norajane

If you're truly lonely, and can take care of animal, I highly recommend adopting a dog or cat from the shelter. They are overflowing with some wonderful pets that are a couple of years old and were abandoned by their owners. Plenty of puppies and kittens, too, but they are more work. 

Otherwise, I agree with everyone else. Make your own traditions. Are there single people you know who live far from their families? Invite them all over for a potluck dinner. Turn on some music and bake cookies - wrap them up and give them to your neighbors. Treat yourself with some expensive and yummy bubble bath, or an awesome bottle of wine (or both!), and pamper yourself.

Has there been something that you've always wanted to do but never did because you were always with family at Christmas? Ice skating, or Christmas lights at the zoo, or trees around the world display at a museum, or seeing the Nutcracker? There are so many activities during Christmas - explore what you may have been missing out on.

In the end, it's just a day. Make it YOUR day.


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## bravenewworld

Last year was my first Christmas post-d. I caught the flu and also had a panic attack. 

This year trying to do things differently. There might be some tears but I'm going to try really hard to enjoy the holiday season.


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## ne9907

I recant my previous post on your thread!!

Buy a bunch of 5 dollar gifts (or cheaper), wrap them in pretty shiny paper and give them to total strangers!!

Best Christmas EVER!!!


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## TooNice

ne9907 said:


> I recant my previous post on your thread!!
> 
> Buy a bunch of 5 dollar gifts (or cheaper), wrap them in pretty shiny paper and give them to total strangers!!
> 
> Best Christmas EVER!!!


That's brilliant. I LOVE it!


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## dajam

Update to my previous post ..... I went to the Xmas Party last night.. It turned out well beyond my exceptions... I don't typically stay out real late however, last night I did... like 1:30am... got home and to sleep by 3:00am.. 

This Xmas party is a new tradition is being created.... so by chance I met some people with this similar experiences as mine.. So that made it even more comfortable.. 

I let myself forget the old... and started to embrace the night...we were having a lot of fun... And to top it off there was a gal there I had not seen in over a year.. Every time we see each other... we discovered more and more about each other and all we have in common.. Very intense and fun... 

I really was struggling to go, but much to my surprise, I had a blast ... So it helps me move forward... and embrace the future... 

Happy Holidays...


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## PAgirl

Im glad someone posted this about holidays and sadness. I am there too. No one special to share it with this year. Been seeing someone for a few weeks but too soon to do any holiday stuff with him. Just sucks.


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## Bluebirdie

I totally get you and yes, it sucks... this is my 3rd year. 1st one I just felt like you. My son split himself into his family and mine and I was at my family's house but wanted not to be there and just leave and wake up. Next year I went to a friend house abroad, was good experience. This year... came back to my own tradition I had 4 years ago making 40 cakes to give away tomorrow morning to the people that sweep the streets, then spending time watching Christmas movies and preparing the salad for dinner at my sister's. 

I am sure this one will be different. 

I know the feeling, you are not alone, but it will get better. You have got some great ideas here, try to get in the mood to do whatever pleases you the most to do and it will be over before you know. 

Hugs!


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## SamuraiJack

You know what made me feel really good the first Christmas was spending time at the homeless shelter serving food and giving Internet lessons.
By the time I got home I was so tired there wasnt any time to be lonely.
Plus people got help they needed.

Something to consider.


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## Bluebirdie

SamuraiJack said:


> You know what made me feel really good the first Christmas was spending time at the homeless shelter serving food and giving Internet lessons.
> By the time I got home I was so tired there wasnt any time to be lonely.
> Plus people got help they needed.
> 
> Something to consider.


For a lot of years I have been wanting to do this. Finally... freedom!!!... freedom to ask for the logistics. Got the information and here is my plan for tomorrow:

- 6:30-7:30 - Walk with the dogs
- Breakfast
- 9-11am - Deliver the cakes I baked to people that sweep the streets near my house
- Lunch
- Prepare the salad for dinner at my sister's
- 6-8 Go and help serving dinner for homeless people
- 9 - pick up my mom and go to my sister's
- 10-12 Christmas celebration at my sister's

In my country we celebrate on the 24th night, open gifts, etc. and during the 25th relax.

Plan ahead, things are not easy at the beginning but it DOES get better I promisse!


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## dajam

One thing I am doing, is working Xmas day so one of my new employees can spend Xmas day with his kids... He just adopted a new son. This child was brought up in a broken home and his mom was just sent away..... Now this child is in a stable home and so I am glad "dad" will be home for his "new" sons first Xmas....


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## SamuraiJack

dajam said:


> One thing I am doing, is working Xmas day so one of my new employees can spend Xmas day with his kids... He just adopted a new son. This child was brought up in a broken home and his mom was just sent away..... Now this child is in a stable home and so I am glad "dad" will be home for his "new" sons first Xmas....


You sir, are friggin awesome! 

Bluebirdie, you are too! 

This year we are being terribly normal.


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## TooNice

dajam said:


> One thing I am doing, is working Xmas day so one of my new employees can spend Xmas day with his kids... He just adopted a new son. This child was brought up in a broken home and his mom was just sent away..... Now this child is in a stable home and so I am glad "dad" will be home for his "new" sons first Xmas....


That is a wonderful gift to your employee and his family!


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## Bluebirdie

Mission accomplished... it brings you SO much possitive energy to give away cakes to the people in the street who are not expecting anything more than the payment after their day of picking up garbage. Happy, happy, happy! They first look surprised, then say thank you and give you lots of blessings... Thankful for my life.


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## TooNice

I'm really struggling already. I haven't shopped this year, because outside of my kids, I have no one to shop for if I'm not going to my inlaws. And my STBX did all of the shopping for the kids. I did buy a hostess gift and a small pretty to give to the other friends I will see tomorrow. That was nice.

Last night, my stepdaughter got into town. My son went to see some friends and then went to his dad's and stayed there with his sister. I spent the night alone.

This morning, my ex called to make plans for dinner for tonight. He and the kids are coming over so we can hang out. It looks like I'll be alone until then.

I don't even know if anyone is sleeping here tonight. I'm sure my sd will stay with her dad. It will be weird for all of us to have the kids split tonight, so my son may want to go there. They'll be back in the morning, but I have never felt so alone. 

I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. I just feel like no one is considering how this is feeling for me while they get to be together. And I'm not the type of person to call attention to it to them. I don't want anyone spending time with me out of pity or obligation. Sadly, this split has just come at a time in my kids' lives when it's not going to occur to them to think of how this is form another perspective. I just need to suck it up and deal.

Or crawl into a hole until Friday.


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## Jellybeans

Here is what I wrote to Gonna in his thread minutes ago and the advice is the same for you:
_
Hi, Gonna!

I know it sucks so hard, but try to enjoy it as best you can with your children. Make a nice meal, watch a movie and do something interactive (have them help you cook or make crafts or desserts).

I remember my first Christmas post-separation. I thought I was going to die. It was awful. From the other side though, I can tell you, it does and will get better.

Feel your feelings and try to smile throughout the day as an example for your kids. 

Merry Christmas. You will be ok. Promise._

If you don't have children/kids, surround yourself with family/friends or spend the day just as you want. 

You will get tgrough this.


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## SamuraiJack

toonice said:


> i'm really struggling already. I haven't shopped this year, because outside of my kids, i have no one to shop for if i'm not going to my inlaws. And my stbx did all of the shopping for the kids. I did buy a hostess gift and a small pretty to give to the other friends i will see tomorrow. That was nice.
> 
> Last night, my stepdaughter got into town. My son went to see some friends and then went to his dad's and stayed there with his sister. I spent the night alone.
> 
> This morning, my ex called to make plans for dinner for tonight. He and the kids are coming over so we can hang out. It looks like i'll be alone until then.
> 
> I don't even know if anyone is sleeping here tonight. I'm sure my sd will stay with her dad. It will be weird for all of us to have the kids split tonight, so my son may want to go there. They'll be back in the morning, but i have never felt so alone.
> 
> I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. I just feel like no one is considering how this is feeling for me while they get to be together. And i'm not the type of person to call attention to it to them. I don't want anyone spending time with me out of pity or obligation. Sadly, this split has just come at a time in my kids' lives when it's not going to occur to them to think of how this is form another perspective. I just need to suck it up and deal.
> 
> Or crawl into a hole until friday.


(((hugs)))


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## TooNice

Update: After not hearing anything about whether my kid(s) will be here anytime prior to dinner tonight, I learned that my son, sd, and STBX went out for breakfast this am and are currently at the mall. Their next stop is the grocery store to get stuff for our dinner tonight. 

In his defense, my STBX did not know until he showed up last night that my son would be around. (My son is a college freshman...not the best group of communicators.) And the three of them have just been hanging out and this all just happened. Nothing was planned to exclude me. I get that. But I did something I work hard not to do and got very emotional with him. I said that while they are out and about, I am sitting here wondering if I will get more than a few hours tonight and again in the morning. That it would have been nice if someone would have thought to at least check in with me to let me know that I shouldn't expect anyone to be here. Or maybe to think that they get all of Christmas Day together... How might I feel about the fact that they are together now? 

I have a good relationship with my son, but he is 18 and social and into the moment. I have an ok relationship with my sd. She's 22 and we disagree on a lot of social things, but I've been in her life since she was a baby. But her loyalty is to her dad. I get that. And my son wants to hang out with her. I get that, too. 

But I just feel like no one is giving me a second thought. And God, is that a truly horrible feeling. I think I've done a good job of being ok most of the time, so people assume I am. 

Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to get it out. Just another day and a half and it will be done.


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## Ynot

Too Nice, I feel for you. This is my first Christmas alone as well. My son is going to his fiancée's house and then to his father's house. My daughter is going to her fiancée's house and then to visit with a woman who has become her surrogate grandma. I have no clue what my ex is doing. But I imagine she will show up at my daughter's visit to her grandma. In the meantime, I am here alone and hurting and I feel the same as you - as if nobody gives a rats azz about me. I am heading to the land of the misfit toys to see some of my siblings. I really don't want to be there. I would rather be enjoying the warmth and comfort of my family. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, but the pain is very real. Everybody tells me it will get better. I am sure it is true. I just haven't gotten there yet. Neither have you. Hang in there!


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## Bluebirdie

Yes girls, hang in there. Try to make at least a little of the things others have told you and when you feel like going back home do it. I remember that was my first Christmas... not wanting to be anywhere and went to my family, spent time there but as soon as it was 12, not a second more, I wanted to go back to my house. It was finally over. Next year was a little different and this one is much better if not the best in years including when we were together. There is no miracle move that gets us to avoid the first time, all we want is to be over and keep on with the rest of "normal" days. Just remember a lot of us here have gone through exactly the same situation. If you want to cry, cry, if you want to yell, yell, it takes pain out of our chests. I remember sitting in the terrace alone dont wanting to move anywhere around 6pm crying and crying, came to the bed and screamed so hard I dont know how I didnt loose my voice  Going through this is part of the process. 

((((hugs))))


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## dajam

For me it is also hard, third Xmas out on my own. The employees at work tomorrow.. Xmas day, will be feeling sort of down, so my plan is to change the music to upbeat Xmas and I will have a large smile all day. (Fake it until I make it)... I have too as this will help me as much as it will all the parents that have to work... Self pity is very hard to shy away from on holidays.. I had over 30 years of being involved in Xmas day.. The least I can do is try to make others feel good about the day. (it makes me feel better)

I sit here on Xmas eve, by myself and I am writing this for others to see it can change as I am redirecting the pain into a positive action. Yes it is hard however I will not bury myself in self pity.. get up.. Get out... go somewhere were... you can get involved... homeless shelter, soup kitchen, church, even a public park just get moving and be cheerful... 

I feel and have felt the heavy load holidays can bring. You can not let it diminish your self worth... as you all are fabulous people and remember we are all here to support each other..

Thank you all for being who you are.. :smthumbup:

Merry Xmas and hugs to all....


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> You sir, are friggin awesome!
> 
> Bluebirdie, you are too!
> 
> This year we are being terribly normal.


Thank you, this little accolade brought a warmness to me and smile to my face.


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## jin

Alone here too. S4 was with me and dropped him off to stbx in the afternoon. I just moped about at home today.

Tonight have to stake out stbx to make sure she isn't leaving S4 alone to be with OM. 

Ive had better Xmas'.


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## TooNice

Had dinner here last night with STBX and the kids. They stayed for hours and we played board games. It was actually a fun night. Had a good talk with my son after about just staying in touch with me on days like yesterday. He was pretty understanding. I don't want to guilt him by any means, but I want him to have some perspective. 

Ex and sd came back this morning for gifts, and they are all on their way to spend the day with my inlaws now. I cried some, but I'm doing much better than I expected so far. I'll be showering and heading out soon, too.

I cannot express enough gratitude for the support and encouragement offered here. The simple knowledge of not being "alone" means the world at times like this. 

Whatever you are doing today...whoever you are with...even if it's you spending time with yourself... Merry Christmas. Wishing you all much peace and love.


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## bravenewworld

Just wanted everyone on this thread to know that reading your struggles and joys with the holiday has touched my heart in a much needed way. Last year I had an extremely rough holiday season - illness, panic attacks, loneliness, and a general sense of impending doom seemed to follow me wherever I went. 

This one has been so much better! Had to work xmas eve but really enjoyed being around my co-workers. Everyone was feeling like making the best of working during the holiday - there was plenty of silly banter, bad christmas sweaters, and dancing to holiday music.

Today I was extremely lazy then met up with my Mom as I felt the huge family Christmas gathering might be too overwhelming. We grabbed seats at a sports bar, had some wings and craft beer and after that saw a movie. She also brought me a plate with all my favorite fixings which was super nice. Right now I'm enjoying the ham and fudge. My fav! 

I didn't give or get any presents, but I think I've realized I don't really care much about presents! Next year I think I will be ready for the usual gatherings and might even buy a tree and decorate. Baby steps. 

Despite the fact I still was a bit of Scrooge - I feel like I did SO much better than last year! Sounds like we've all made the best of the hands we were dealt. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Festivus for the rest of us!


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## FrustratedFL

My divorce was final this year and I must admit it was a hard Christmas for me. 

My daughter and I were suppose to go on a cruise with my in laws since EXH opted out of the FREE vacation from his mom.

Sadly, I had some medical issues come up that made me cancel my cruise. EXH was asked by myself, child and his mom to participate in the cruise with his siblings, (Trip was free - all he would cover is side trips and bar bill). My daughter was upset and wanted a parent with her and cried to him. He refused - saying he wasn't sure if he could attend and could not be away from work during this time. (EXH is self employed so time away is not an issue).

My mother in law decided to take my daughter and room with her on cruise. I was happy she agreed to go with all her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandma.

Yesterday, I was sad and missing her and thinking about all the times we spent as a family on holidays.

Later yesterday I found out the EXH WENT AWAY ON A TRIP with the mistress turned gf. 

I am so mad that my child begged him and he was so selfish and uncaring that he would not open up his heart to actually make a difference and a good memory for her. 

His family has basically washed their hands of him at this point. He will never change!


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## TooNice

Bravenewworld-I'm so glad the day turned out to be positive for you. It really does help so much to read from people at different points on these journeys! 

Frustrated-Oh. My. Gosh. You must be so livid. I can't even imagine. I am so sorry that he did that. Wow. I hope the rest of the family is having an amazing time. Without him. How wonderful that his family is so supportive and loving for you and your d!


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