# Cheated Over 40 Years Ago - And Possibly Since



## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He recently gave me his phone to figure out why photos he sent me didn’t go through. There was an email in the sent file from 20 months ago in which he told an old girlfriend that he still loved her. 
This discovery led to a discussion with him. Initially he denied everything and then eventually admitted to having sex with her and another old girl friend during the first few years we were married. He also admitted to a two year affair with a woman he had worked with that began about 8 years into our marriage. We had a one year old child at the time and had another child towards the end of the affair. He insists he has not cheated since that ended 30 years ago and that the email he sent was because he was drunk. I asked to look through his phone and he agreed. There were emails to/from another woman between 2013-2018 who he initially said was just an old friend. He finally admitted to sleeping with her a few times during the early years of our marriage. Most of his responses are “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know”.
I emailed the two women he admitted to having had brief affairs with and asked them if they would be willing to provide additional details as to timeframes. I told them that I don’t blame them as my husband was the one who was married. Both responded and apologized for their part. Both confirmed that they had known him before he met and married me. Both confirmed seeing him after we were married several times in the early 80s. One of them said that she also saw him twice in 1996. The other said that the emails they sent each other between 2013-2018 totaled about ten and were just catching up with each other’s lives. When confronted with the 1996 affair information, my husband said he doesn’t remember. 
I have since discovered messages from the women he sent the recent email to saying he still loved her to him on Facebook Messenger asking to see him as recently as last February. The messages had never been opened by him and he sad he had not seen them ( I believe him). I also discovered that he has an Ashley Madison account dating back to 2011 and Silver Singles account ( opened in March 2020). He insists he was “just curious” and never met anyone. He probably didn’t get a chance to pursue anyone on Silver Singles because of COVID. 
i don’t think he is being totally truthful with me but wonder how much he truly doesn’t remember and how much he is just lying about. This has been like death by a thousand cuts as I keep discovering more after he insists he has told me everything.
A couple of my girl friends are telling me to just forgive him and move on since the affairs were years ago and I still live him. I’m not sure that he hasnt cheated since then and am worried about his lying. It feels as if our entire married life had been a lie. 
I would be interested in what others think of the situation.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

40 years IS a pretty long time ago. He might be forgetting the details.

But it does seem to be human nature to trickle truth the history, so if he is trickle truthing on one thing, you can assume it is on all things.

there IS some merit to your idea of letting it slide because it happened so long ago. but that is based on your "theory" that he has NOT cheated in the past ten years or so. you are hoping his personality has changed!

so maybe he does the polygraph to make sure he has not cheated in at least a decade?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You thought you were married. He didn't. Your marriage was a lie. How can you even look at him let alone love him?

Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. Take _*everything *_into consideration. If you were younger, I would advocate for kicking his sorry ass out the door. Personally, I would be packing his bags.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds likely that he has cheated more recently with those accounts on the dating/sex sites. 
In your place, being married to a man who has lied and deceived you throughout the marriage, as well as cheated, I would find it impossible to trust again. 
You could try a lie detector test to see how recently it's happened, but he is still a serial cheat regardless. 

It's devastating I know. For you it's as if it's just happened regardless of how long ago it was.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> 40 years IS a pretty long time ago. He might be forgetting the details.
> 
> But it does seem to be human nature to trickle truth the history, so if he is trickle truthing on one thing, you can assume it is on all things.
> 
> ...


I had not thought of the polygraph idea. Thanks!


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You thought you were married.  He didn't. Your marriage was a lie. How can you even look at him let alone love him?
> 
> Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. Take _*everything *_into consideration. If you were younger, I would advocate for kicking his sorry ass out the door. Personally, I would be packing his bags.


Yes - if I was younger, the decision would’ve easier for sure.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

This GF stuff you got that you should let it go because it was long ago... uh... he was still up on this 20 MONTHS ago.
He's cheated so much it's almost impossible to get the real truth from him.

If he has trouble recalling things from way back then, ask yourself, how well does he remember everything else from that time. And believe this: he remembers most of the sex. That's from a male perspective. It's very doubtful he doesn't remember what they did.
Keep digging until you're satisfied that you know enough to decide where this goes from here. It might still be workable, but it's really hard to ever believe in cheaters again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Serials don’t stop cheating until they absolutely can’t cheat any more.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Just a side note. Just because something appears as "unread" doesn't mean anything. Messages, emails, etc, can be read then "marked as unread".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

wow


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for 45 years to a serial cheater. Looking back, I believe it began when we were first married — there were plenty of red flags but I was young and dumb and ignored them. When I was in my mid-30’s I found proof of an ongoing affair. He convinced me to stay and swore it would never happen again. He lied. When, late in life, I discovered he hadn’t changed I gave up and got out. Was that easy to do after being married so long? Definitely not — but it was totally worth it to be free. Serial cheaters almost always remain serial cheaters. They are the absolute worst to be married to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And I know exactly how you feel about your long married life being a lie. That is 100% the way I feel about mine. Serial cheaters are really chasing the high they get from cheating. The thrill from getting away with it is addictive. I would never recommend staying with one.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

The reality is he has never stopped cheating, period. A married man doesn't open an online dating account because he is just curious. After so many year I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave. If you choose to stay just know you have been and will continue living with a serial cheater that will never stop and you will never be able to put 100% trust in.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> 40 years IS a pretty long time ago. He might be forgetting the details.


Nope. He’s not forgotten anything; it’s been constantly refreshed in his mind through his ongoing fantasies that it’s still an active possibility (hooking up again with the old flame). If there had been no evidence of interim issues, maybe. But that’s not how his mind works. If anything, he has embellished additional details but lost little.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

You cannot forget sexual act, it does not matter how long go it happened, I would never believe someone can forget it even if it was ONS.

Your husband is a liar.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This wasn’t a one time drunken hook up in the cleaning closet at the office Christmas party 40 years ago when they were young and dumb. 

This has been a long term lifestyle for him. 

You have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. How much has he done that wasn’t documented on his phone? 

Again, this is not an occurrence, it is his lifestyle. 

The question you have to address for yourself is do you want to be part of that lifestyle??


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I was married for 45 years to a serial cheater. Looking back, I believe it began when we were first married — there were plenty of red flags but I was young and dumb and ignored them. When I was in my mid-30’s I found proof of an ongoing affair. He convinced me to stay and swore it would never happen again. He lied. When, late in life, I discovered he hadn’t changed I gave up and got out. Was that easy to do after being married so long? Definitely not — but it was totally worth it to be free. Serial cheaters almost always remain serial cheaters. They are the absolute worst to be married to.


One of the things I struggle with is the anger I feel about losing my home and the lifestyle I have worked so hard for if I leave him. I am still in shock over all of this. I always felt that we lived a “charmed” life - hah!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SCBeacher said:


> One of the things I struggle with is the anger I feel about losing my home and the lifestyle I have worked so hard for if I leave him. I am still in shock over all of this. I always felt that we lived a “charmed” life - hah!


I’m with you there. I had tons of anger. And it’s true that my life is very different now than it was. But I went with the “leave a cheater, gain a life” philosophy and never regretted it. All I lost was worth it to feel that I was finally free and that my life was truly in my hands for the first time. Ending a very long marriage is tough but living with a serial cheater is tougher.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So you married a serial cheater. Lucky, lucky you.

I would imagine now that he's gotten old(er), his tomcatting has slowed down. I guess you're supposed to feel _flattered _by that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

I guess you have to decide whether someone who's done *nothing* but lie to you and cheat on you over the course of 40 years, someone who has proclaimed his LOVE for someone_ else_ numerous times over the years, someone who could sink SO low as to cheat on you while you were carrying his second child - risking YOUR health and the baby's by possibly giving you an STD, is worth keeping around or dropping like a hot rock.

I'd go with the hot rock. He's completely *disrespected* you and *disregarded* you your entire marriage. 

Does this fool HONESTLY think telling you "I'm sorry" somehow makes up for a lifetime of deceit? What a complete ****-stain.

Do yourself a favor and find yourself the best divorce attorney in town.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


GusPolinski said:



Serials don’t stop cheating until they absolutely can’t cheat any more.

Click to expand...

*Exactly.

The guy has to be in his 60's now so he's likely slowing down. I guess she's supposed to feel flattered that he's not out tomcatting every chance he gets. Pffffft.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SCBeacher said:


> _*One of the things I struggle with is the anger I feel about losing my home and the lifestyle I have worked so hard for if I leave him. I am still in shock over all of this. I always felt that we lived a “charmed” life - hah!*_


That's why I said to find the best divorce attorney in town.

Look, don't make decisions based on what you THINK. Go to a lawyer and get EDUCATED and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of a divorce. So many people make bad decisions based on what they _think_ they know.

Casanova doesn't have to know where you've gone. God KNOWS he's snuck around enough during *your* time with him when you didn't know where HE was - you just get to return the favor for a big change.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Exactly.
> 
> The guy has to be in his 60's now so he's likely slowing down. I guess she's supposed to feel flattered that he's not out tomcatting every chance he gets. Pffffft.


Sometimes fate has a way of trying to even the score. He is indeed older now - over 70 - and on many medications that cause ED. Even Viagra doesn’t work for him now. I guess it’s nature‘s way of punishing him for the illicit sex he had.😀😀


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SCBeacher said:


> Sometimes fate has a way of trying to even the score. He is indeed older now - over 70 - and on many medications that cause ED. Even Viagra doesn’t work for him now. I guess it’s nature‘s way of punishing him for the illicit sex he had.😀😀


Well that maybe a good thing, at least he cant cheat now.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Well that maybe a good thing, at least he cant cheat now.


There may be “Justice” in that bit it doesn’t address the desire. So it’s really up to OP to decide if it’s appropriate to live with someone who might still be fully invested in emotional affairs. Or is an emotional affair only a bad thing if it could lead to something physical?


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> There may be “Justice” in that bit it doesn’t address the desire. So it’s really up to OP to decide if it’s appropriate to live with someone who might still be fully invested in emotional affairs. Or is an emotional affair only a bad thing if it could lead to something physical?


Good points. I think emotional affairs are just as much a betrayal as physical affairs. At least that is what I think at this moment. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and can’t get off. I wish I could be as black and white as some posters make this seem and just leave him. I’m going to process everything, explore my options ( including consulting with a divorce attorney) and try to find the right solution.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s always easier when you give advice to strangers because your emotions aren’t involved. When they are, well, that’s a much different story. I sometimes ask myself why I didn’t get out decades before I did and the answer is simple. I married intending that it should be forever and I didn’t let go of that easily. Everyone is different in how they handle these situations. The important thing is what’s right for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> There may be “Justice” in that bit it doesn’t address the desire. So it’s really up to OP to decide if it’s appropriate to live with someone who might still be fully invested in emotional affairs. Or is an emotional affair only a bad thing if it could lead to something physical?


Both are wrong.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Both are wrong.


It was a rhetorical question.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Having your spouse tell someone else they love them is a shot to the heart to most people. Sex can be meaningless but love is another thing entirely.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Yes- seeing that email was a shot in the heart. Especially because he knew Her before me and has been with her several times during our marriage. She says the last time was 1996 and he says he only remembers the 80s. Ugh!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SCBeacher said:


> Yes- seeing that email was a shot in the heart. Especially because he knew Her before me and has been with her several times during our marriage. She says the last time was 1996 and he says he only remembers the 80s. Ugh!


I think you know this, but your husband is full of **** when he says he can't remember.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

SCBeacher said:


> Sometimes fate has a way of trying to even the score. He is indeed older now - over 70 - and on many medications that cause ED. Even Viagra doesn’t work for him now. I guess it’s nature‘s way of punishing him for the illicit sex he had.😀😀


FWIW - if he is on a medication that suppresses the production of testosterone he will not only be incapable of gaining an erection but also (other than macho habit) be incapable of wanting one. Testosterone not only stimulates the ability to perform - it also drives the wish to do so.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

cp3o said:


> FWIW - if he is on a medication that suppresses the production of testosterone he will not only be incapable of gaining an erection but also (other than macho habit) be incapable of wanting one. Testosterone not only stimulates the ability to perform - it also drives the wish to do so.


So real torture would be to increase desire while eliminating function.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

SCBeacher said:


> Sometimes fate has a way of trying to even the score. He is indeed older now - over 70 - and on many medications that cause ED. Even Viagra doesn’t work for him now. I guess it’s nature‘s way of punishing him for the illicit sex he had



You may not be aware of this but you have tremendous power. The State gives this to you. Maybe you are old school and don't realize it. Perhaps you are even prideful you married the guy that other ladies want. Ladies want a guy who is desired by other ladies and can cheat (but doesn't) -- we know this. It's fact. They don't really want the guy who can't cheat w/ no options. The Classic Nice Guy Provider type. 

Nevertheless, you can wreck this dude's life through No-Fault Divorce. You can take half his sht. everything he worked for. Then you can remarry him or just give him a good scare and call it off as reckoning day nears. . Or you could do nothing. Over 70... damn.. If you are truly pissed you can get him back.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

SCBeacher said:


> He insists he has not cheated since that ended 30 years ago and that the* email he sent was because he was drunk.*


This is a flat-out lie. we don't send drunk emails like that. A drunken email 30 years later. ILY? Come on. This isn't harry met sally. This is nice guy stuff.. your guy isn't a nice guy and wouldn't do that based on pent-up emotions of Romantic Love all these years... It's comical really. 

I'm telling you - we don't operate like that.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

SCBeacher said:


> My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He recently gave me his phone to figure out why photos he sent me didn’t go through. There was an email in the sent file from 20 months ago in which he told an old girlfriend that he still loved her.
> This discovery led to a discussion with him. Initially he denied everything and then eventually admitted to having sex with her and another old girl friend during the first few years we were married. He also admitted to a two year affair with a woman he had worked with that began about 8 years into our marriage. We had a one year old child at the time and had another child towards the end of the affair. He insists he has not cheated since that ended 30 years ago and that the email he sent was because he was drunk. I asked to look through his phone and he agreed. There were emails to/from another woman between 2013-2018 who he initially said was just an old friend. He finally admitted to sleeping with her a few times during the early years of our marriage. Most of his responses are “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know”.
> I emailed the two women he admitted to having had brief affairs with and asked them if they would be willing to provide additional details as to timeframes. I told them that I don’t blame them as my husband was the one who was married. Both responded and apologized for their part. Both confirmed that they had known him before he met and married me. Both confirmed seeing him after we were married several times in the early 80s. One of them said that she also saw him twice in 1996. The other said that the emails they sent each other between 2013-2018 totaled about ten and were just catching up with each other’s lives. When confronted with the 1996 affair information, my husband said he doesn’t remember.
> I have since discovered messages from the women he sent the recent email to saying he still loved her to him on Facebook Messenger asking to see him as recently as last February. The messages had never been opened by him and he sad he had not seen them ( I believe him). I also discovered that he has an Ashley Madison account dating back to 2011 and Silver Singles account ( opened in March 2020). He insists he was “just curious” and never met anyone. He probably didn’t get a chance to pursue anyone on Silver Singles because of COVID.
> ...


I am amazed you didn’t catch him sooner or suspect. But then most of us just beat those feelings and thoughts down. At least to begin with. I was certain my wife of 4 years would never cheat on me. Her ex husband cheated on her and she divorced him and still despises the thought of him to this day. But low and behold, she was screwing her boss for at least acyear, every chance she got. Like every day. Late from work every day. Going to the ”gym” every weekend. She looked at me like I was slime. She looked at me with total


SCBeacher said:


> My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He recently gave me his phone to figure out why photos he sent me didn’t go through. There was an email in the sent file from 20 months ago in which he told an old girlfriend that he still loved her.
> This discovery led to a discussion with him. Initially he denied everything and then eventually admitted to having sex with her and another old girl friend during the first few years we were married. He also admitted to a two year affair with a woman he had worked with that began about 8 years into our marriage. We had a one year old child at the time and had another child towards the end of the affair. He insists he has not cheated since that ended 30 years ago and that the email he sent was because he was drunk. I asked to look through his phone and he agreed. There were emails to/from another woman between 2013-2018 who he initially said was just an old friend. He finally admitted to sleeping with her a few times during the early years of our marriage. Most of his responses are “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know”.
> I emailed the two women he admitted to having had brief affairs with and asked them if they would be willing to provide additional details as to timeframes. I told them that I don’t blame them as my husband was the one who was married. Both responded and apologized for their part. Both confirmed that they had known him before he met and married me. Both confirmed seeing him after we were married several times in the early 80s. One of them said that she also saw him twice in 1996. The other said that the emails they sent each other between 2013-2018 totaled about ten and were just catching up with each other’s lives. When confronted with the 1996 affair information, my husband said he doesn’t remember.
> I have since discovered messages from the women he sent the recent email to saying he still loved her to him on Facebook Messenger asking to see him as recently as last February. The messages had never been opened by him and he sad he had not seen them ( I believe him). I also discovered that he has an Ashley Madison account dating back to 2011 and Silver Singles account ( opened in March 2020). He insists he was “just curious” and never met anyone. He probably didn’t get a chance to pursue anyone on Silver Singles because of COVID.
> ...


im sure you’re struggling with many of the same issues and feekings many of us have. First we just can’t believe our loved one could do this to us. I, for one, just beat that moment down. I denied the bad thoughts, the reality of it. I just shoved it down. However, it never goes away. Eventually it will come up with a vengeance. Cuz hands down, you were trashed by the person you committed your life too.

my advice?

get answers. I don’t remember, I don’t know why, and I wasn’t thinking WONT CUT IT. Get the facts, why did he do it, when, and all the answers you need. I personally felt second best, despised and certainly not loved. Not the way I define love at least. So, sit his butt down and demand answers. Then you need to do a lot of thinking. Maybe talk with a very very good friend. Therapy? I found it ridiculous. For me,I’m stayed for our kids, including the one she conceived with her boss/lover. She never really did warm back up to me, not like I wanted anyway. I think she stuck with me because I’m a good provider, I’m kind, and I give her whatever she seems to want. We are now what I would call pretty ok friends. Easy going roomies I guess. But loved? No, I’m not loved. Although she professes it. Mostly cuz she’s afraid I’ll dump her at 70 yo. I’d never do that. I’d just give her everything, including my income and set up a deduction for my expenses and leave. But I can’t do that to the kids. They would be heartbroken and probably blame me.

so, find out what you need to know. Then determine if you think you can live with him?


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> 40 years IS a pretty long time ago. He might be forgetting the details.
> 
> But it does seem to be human nature to trickle truth the history, so if he is trickle truthing on one thing, you can assume it is on all things.
> 
> ...


Cheating is cheating. 40 years is not an excuse. I’d at least inform him of what I think of his cheating, what he did to his wife and the fact that he deserves nothing. He at least needs to hear what he did to his marriage and the fact that it doesn’t go away. Ever.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You thought you were married. He didn't. Your marriage was a lie. How can you even look at him let alone love him?
> 
> Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. Take _*everything *_into consideration. If you were younger, I would advocate for kicking his sorry ass out the door. Personally, I would be packing his bags.


I was very close to that recently. But I can’t tell our oldest son, who I love and have immense respect for, that he isn’t mine. I can’t lie either when he would want to know why I’m leaving his mom after 42 years. I stayed with her, probably cuz I was cared of being alone. I’m not handsome nor any kind of catch. I just work hard. So I kept her and delivered her son, cut his cord, watched him take his first breathe. I taught him to fish, shoot, and hike. I helped him with math and talked about girls and careers. He is my hero. That boy is everything I’m not. Courageous. Stalwart. Smart. Kind. I won’t ever hurt him. I made the mistakes. But if I’d have left her where would he be? Who would he be? And I would never have known such a grand young man. Silver lining? Guess so.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Nope. He’s not forgotten anything; it’s been constantly refreshed in his mind through his ongoing fantasies that it’s still an active possibility (hooking up again with the old flame). If there had been no evidence of interim issues, maybe. But that’s not how his mind works. If anything, he has embellished additional details but lost little.


Exactly!


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Jackba57 said:


> I am amazed you didn’t catch him sooner or suspect. But then most of us just beat those feelings and thoughts down. At least to begin with. I was certain my wife of 4 years would never cheat on me. Her ex husband cheated on her and she divorced him and still despises the thought of him to this day. But low and behold, she was screwing her boss for at least acyear, every chance she got. Like every day. Late from work every day. Going to the ”gym” every weekend. She looked at me like I was slime. She looked at me with total
> 
> im sure you’re struggling with many of the same issues and feekings many of us have. First we just can’t believe our loved one could do this to us. I, for one, just beat that moment down. I denied the bad thoughts, the reality of it. I just shoved it down. However, it never goes away. Eventually it will come up with a vengeance. Cuz hands down, you were trashed by the person you committed your life too.
> 
> ...


Thank you. What you wrote makes sense. I have tried to get the answers I need but he threatened suicide - saying he could just end the pain he was causing me. I asked him for details and he identified the method and said he would not do it at home. He denied having an immediate plan but I removed his guns from the house and insisted he see a therapist. This was a couple of weeks ago and although he has made some efforts to find a therapist, between Covid and the holidays, he has not been successful. This has been through insurance providers so the next step is to just pay. I don’t believe he is at imminent risk of suicide and he has gotten what he wanted - no pressure. I have been clear with him that this will not continue and that if we are to stay together, he must start individual therapy before I will consider marriage counseling. Part of me feels conned but he has suffered from depression for years and could be telling the truth. 
You are right - the hurt and sense of betrayal doesn’t go away. Some days are easier to deal with it than others.
I am sorry for your situation. You are an amazing man to have raised and loved her lover’s child. She should esograteful for your live and kindness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SCBeacher said:


> Thank you. What you wrote makes sense. I have tried to get the answers I need but he threatened suicide - saying he could just end the pain he was causing me. I asked him for details and he identified the method and said he would not do it at home. He denied having an immediate plan but I removed his guns from the house and insisted he see a therapist. This was a couple of weeks ago and although he has made some efforts to find a therapist, between Covid and the holidays, he has not been successful. This has been through insurance providers so the next step is to just pay. I don’t believe he is at imminent risk of suicide and he has gotten what he wanted - no pressure. I have been clear with him that this will not continue and that if we are to stay together, he must start individual therapy before I will consider marriage counseling. Part of me feels conned but he has suffered from depression for years and could be telling the truth.
> You are right - the hurt and sense of betrayal doesn’t go away. Some days are easier to deal with it than others.
> I am sorry for your situation. You are an amazing man to have raised and loved her lover’s child. She should esograteful for your live and kindness.


Threatening suicide in this sort of situation is highly manipulative. It's worked though hasn't it. He has you doing what he wants.
He did it to stop you asking questions, just appalling.

If he threatens suicide again call his bluff and call the police.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, you were right to feel conned because that’s what he did. And now he knows it works.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Threatening suicide in this sort of situation is highly manipulative. It's worked though hasn't it. He has you doing what he wants.
> He did it to stop you asking questions, just appalling.
> 
> If he threatens suicide again call his bluff and call the police.





Diana7 said:


> Threatening suicide in this sort of situation is highly manipulative. It's worked though hasn't it. He has you doing what he wants.
> He did it to stop you asking questions, just appalling.
> 
> If he threatens suicide again call his bluff and call the police.


Yep - it worked. Conned and cornered. I told him that he must get therapy in order for us to stay together


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

You must go see a lawyer that specializes in family law. That person can provide guidance on what to expect financially if the two of you divorce. You may be pleasantly surprised at what your life financially might look like. Your feelings and fears concerning divorce might change as a consequence. 

If you do stay and will not leave because of practical and financial reasons, but simply feel nothing more toward him than being roommates, make a life outside your marriage. Spend time with friends and family without his participation. I am not encouraging you to cheat, but if you develop men friends so be it. You don't have to have sex with them. But if you enjoy their company, go for it. You owe your WH nothing. He won't cheat because he can't at this point. Let him watch while you establish your own life away from him. Do whatever will make you happy given the constraints you are now faced with. 

If you want to forgive and forget, again, if that makes you sufficiently happy do it at this point. But whatever you decide, do it for you and not him. I will say it one more time. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, you were right to feel conned because that’s what he did. And now he knows it works.


Yes🥲


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

SRCSRC said:


> You must go see a lawyer that specializes in family law. That person can provide guidance on what to expect financially if the two of you divorce. You may be pleasantly surprised at what your life financially might look like. Your feelings and fears concerning divorce might change as a consequence.
> 
> If you do stay and will not leave because of practical and financial reasons, but simply feel nothing more toward him than being roommates, make a life outside your marriage. Spend time with friends and family without his participation. I am not encouraging you to cheat, but if you develop men friends so be it. You don't have to have sex with them. But if you enjoy their company, go for it. You owe your WH nothing. He won't cheat because he can't at this point. Let him watch while you establish your own life away from him. Do whatever will make you happy given the constraints you are now faced with.
> 
> If you want to forgive and forget, again, if that makes you sufficiently happy do it at this point. But whatever you decide, do it for you and not him. I will say it one more time. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.


Unfortunately I still love him. 40 years of memories - mostly good-, great kids and much in common, is hard to give up. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet. I agree that he is owed nothing.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

SCBeacher said:


> Unfortunately I still love him. 40 years of memories - mostly good-, great kids and much in common, is hard to give up. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet. I agree that he is owed nothing.


Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. Ultimately, you may wish to see your own IC in order to help you navigate through this mess.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SCBeacher said:


> Yep - it worked. Conned and cornered. I told him that he must get therapy in order for us to stay together


I honestly don't see how therapy can help a cheater and liar. Its down to his lack of moral values and integrity. No amount of talking to someone with change that. 
Its sad that you are allowing his manipulation to work. The fact that he is using threats and manipulation to control you would be enough to call it a day as far as I am concerned.


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## SCBeacher (Nov 12, 2021)

SRCSRC said:


> Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. Ultimately, you may wish to see your own IC in order to help you navigate through this mess.


Good advise! I have an appointment next week. Thanks


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

SCBeacher said:


> Thank you. What you wrote makes sense. I have tried to get the answers I need but he threatened suicide - saying he could just end the pain he was causing me. I asked him for details and he identified the method and said he would not do it at home. He denied having an immediate plan but I removed his guns from the house and insisted he see a therapist. This was a couple of weeks ago and although he has made some efforts to find a therapist, between Covid and the holidays, he has not been successful. This has been through insurance providers so the next step is to just pay. I don’t believe he is at imminent risk of suicide and he has gotten what he wanted - no pressure. I have been clear with him that this will not continue and that if we are to stay together, he must start individual therapy before I will consider marriage counseling. Part of me feels conned but he has suffered from depression for years and could be telling the truth.
> You are right - the hurt and sense of betrayal doesn’t go away. Some days are easier to deal with it than others.
> I am sorry for your situation. You are an amazing man to have raised and loved her lover’s child. She should esograteful for your live and kindness.


I made my life through my decisions. I just have to accept that and move forward. Easier said when you’re younger. Not so easy when you are looking back over your life and counting up the good and the bad. Thinking about what you could, or should, have done differently. Hindsight is truly 20/20…but I’m not sure a different solution set would have necessarily produced better results.. hang tough. Remember. It’s not your fault. His threats os hurting himself sound like a method to shift blame to you “you made me kill myself” kinda thing? When I have veteran friends that won’t talk and threaten that, I call the cops and turn them in. A few instances of the cops showing up at your house cuz you threatened harm to yourself tends to cut that off. Be safe. Love yourself first.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

SCBeacher said:


> Unfortunately I still love him. 40 years of memories - mostly good-, great kids and much in common, is hard to give up. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet. I agree that he is owed nothing.


I hear you. One year of cheating. 41yesrs of trust. we Made the decision to stay. Guess we should be ok with that? I’m not ever ok with her affair. I’d pull the guys **** off and beat him with it. If I wouldn’t go to jail. But she’s been kind to me and her and my kids. Supportive. Not what I’d call loving.. but she passed on her true love, her affair partner, and I settled for her. I think we both made huge mistakes their. Me afraid to lose her, her afraid to admit to her family that she’s a cheater. So we settled for less than true life. Sad. But that’s history now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SCBeacher said:


> My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He recently gave me his phone to figure out why photos he sent me didn’t go through. There was an email in the sent file from 20 months ago in which he told an old girlfriend that he still loved her.
> This discovery led to a discussion with him. Initially he denied everything and then eventually admitted to having sex with her and another old girl friend during the first few years we were married. He also admitted to a two year affair with a woman he had worked with that began about 8 years into our marriage. We had a one year old child at the time and had another child towards the end of the affair. He insists he has not cheated since that ended 30 years ago and that the email he sent was because he was drunk. I asked to look through his phone and he agreed. There were emails to/from another woman between 2013-2018 who he initially said was just an old friend. He finally admitted to sleeping with her a few times during the early years of our marriage. Most of his responses are “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know”.
> I emailed the two women he admitted to having had brief affairs with and asked them if they would be willing to provide additional details as to timeframes. I told them that I don’t blame them as my husband was the one who was married. Both responded and apologized for their part. Both confirmed that they had known him before he met and married me. Both confirmed seeing him after we were married several times in the early 80s. One of them said that she also saw him twice in 1996. The other said that the emails they sent each other between 2013-2018 totaled about ten and were just catching up with each other’s lives. When confronted with the 1996 affair information, my husband said he doesn’t remember.
> I have since discovered messages from the women he sent the recent email to saying he still loved her to him on Facebook Messenger asking to see him as recently as last February. The messages had never been opened by him and he sad he had not seen them ( I believe him). I also discovered that he has an Ashley Madison account dating back to 2011 and Silver Singles account ( opened in March 2020). He insists he was “just curious” and never met anyone. He probably didn’t get a chance to pursue anyone on Silver Singles because of COVID.
> ...


your marriage was a total lie, he does not deserve any fogiveness nor mercy. If I found this type of information out, I would expose him to all my family and friends and divorce him. He is not the H you thought he was, he is not your friend, he is an enemy. There is no justification for this, the lenght of marriage, how long ago it was etc. He has effectively been unfaithful for the majority of the marriage and has been on the prowl up until before Covid. Why would you give this POS another year of your life?

As for his threatened suicide, that is just a ploy, people like him are rarely selfless enough to do this to themselves. Instead of remorse and a willingness to become a better man, he pulls this ****!

Do you have kids together? Have they been told, they should be.
You say you do not want to give up the lifestyle you have. You could live separated under one roof, get an agreement in place. Move into your own room, build a life outside of the marriage, date other people (you owe him nothing the marriage is dead now anyway) and do your own thing. No cooking, washing, nothing, live independently, let him feel the full consequences of his actions. Plan holidays with friends etc.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SCBeacher said:


> One of the things I struggle with is the anger I feel about losing my home and the lifestyle I have worked so hard for if I leave him. I am still in shock over all of this. I always felt that we lived a “charmed” life - hah!


Why should you lose your lifestyle, take him for everything he has got. A 30 yr marriage is worth that and more


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