# Can't last until the end of the school year



## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Her divorce busting is starting to aggravate me. Filed a few days ago and she was served today. She texts me "so it's actually really over?" What a bizarre question. I've been saying that it's over for almost a year. Never once wavered. Never once changed my tune or offered any indication whatsoever that it's not over and yet my multi-AP cheating wife was surprised? Strange. I guess the DB site and her IC have filled her head with crap that as long as we're still married there is hope. Hopefully this will put an end to that. The bureaucracy of divorce sucks btw.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You staying in the same house probably has her confused. Even if you’re sleeping in another room, no affection, etc. By being present she still thinks there’s hope. I know when my husband and I were separated under the same roof I still never really grasped that it was actually over. I cried every night, I went through the process of buying a new house ( I was a week away from closing when he asked me to stay), I ordered new furniture, he told me repeatedly he had zero interest in working this out, etc. But I never fully accepted it. I think the only thing that would have made it real was me actually leaving the home or if he would have left and stayed somewhere else while we were in the process. Of course, my husband would also still hug and kiss me occasionally, he slept in the bed with me most nights and we had sex almost daily. He just said it was over with words, but not in action so that may have been why I didn’t truly believe it. 

I KNEW deep down that it was over so I acted as such as far as buying the house, furniture, etc. But I never fully accepted it and no matter what I did I couldn’t force myself to let go. I was an absolute mess, going through the motions every day.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

DB is more about "not divorcing" than actually recovery of a M, hence their name. It is also part of the Marital Recovery Industrial Complex that thrives on keeping people in perpetual limbo through false "hope", much like marital/individual counselling, where the ultimate goal is not to actually solve a problem, but to book the next appointment.

What you've done by filing and having her served is popped that bubble of false hope and forced your WW to actually have to face the reality of the consequences of her own actions. For someone that has spent so much time in rainbow and unicorn land ... facing cold hard realities is a foreign concept that has her obviously struggling with her own "Oh Sh*t" moment.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> DB is more about "not divorcing" than actually recovery of a M, hence their name. It is also part of the Marital Recovery Industrial Complex that thrives on keeping people in perpetual limbo through false "hope", much like marital/individual counselling, where the ultimate goal is not to actually solve a problem, but to book the next appointment.
> 
> What you've done by filing and having her served is popped that bubble of false hope and forced your WW to actually have to face the reality of the consequences of her own actions. For someone that has spent so much time in rainbow and unicorn land ... facing cold hard realities is a foreign concept that has her obviously struggling with her own "Oh Sh*t" moment.


I sincerely hope the bubble is burst. I just went to NYC on business a couple weeks ago and she called me and said how about if I fly up and we spend your off time walking around Manhattan? We did that once years ago and it was an awesome time. I replied basically saying are you out of your mind? She acted like she didn't understand my position. That was when I decided to file. She's freaking me out acting like we're going to get past this and stay together.

I hope this does it but as you've pointed out DB is for exactly the position I have now put us in. The process of divorcing. She may not give up. I never spy on her on DB because that would mean at some level I give a sh*t and I absolutely do not. I did consider creating an account there not as me so I could go on her thread and say "from what I've read it's over, give it up, let him go." She'd probably see through it. Who knows. 

I've gotten past all the anger, hate, sorrow, all of it. I'm over it and now to me she's just the mother of my kids who I'll treat like a distant family member I haven't seen in a while when we inevitably bump into each other at significant events for the kids (graduations, weddings, etc.). I'll be cordial, maybe even nice but there is no chance in hell, not even one sliver of a chance that I will ever love or be in love with this woman again. That's done. Over. Finis. For the love of God will she please understand that. I've now filed and am going to expedite selling the house if I can but I can tell she may not agree and every asset we own is in both our names (house, 3 cars, motorcycle).


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> You staying in the same house probably has her confused. Even if you’re sleeping in another room, no affection, etc. By being present she still thinks there’s hope. I know when my husband and I were separated under the same roof I still never really grasped that it was actually over. I cried every night, I went through the process of buying a new house ( I was a week away from closing when he asked me to stay), I ordered new furniture, he told me repeatedly he had zero interest in working this out, etc. But I never fully accepted it. I think the only thing that would have made it real was me actually leaving the home or if he would have left and stayed somewhere else while we were in the process. Of course, my husband would also still hug and kiss me occasionally, he slept in the bed with me most nights and we had sex almost daily. He just said it was over with words, but not in action so that may have been why I didn’t truly believe it.
> 
> I KNEW deep down that it was over so I acted as such as far as buying the house, furniture, etc. But I never fully accepted it and no matter what I did I couldn’t force myself to let go. I was an absolute mess, going through the motions every day.


I agree about co-habitating in the house. That's why I'm going to start the process of selling it right away even though I wanted to wait. I'm going to take a hit doing that. A significant hit but what the hell. She needs to understand.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't understand her trepidation. You are setting her free to be the bimbo she always wanted to be. I would think she would be grateful you allowed her to play "happy family" for as long as you did.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

She will do ok,unless her looks have faded. These sociopaths seem to land on their feet.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lucas,

I was talk about this with someone today and the question was why do serial cheaters fight so hard to keep their marriage when their spouse calls it quits.

One of the ideas was that some serial cheaters are just reliving their teenage years. They have parents at home who pays the bills and feeds them, while they get to go out and have free sex with someone they don't care about longterm. They've made their spouse into their parent and get to be a naughty child again by deceiving them.

So it's not that your WW is losing a lover, who she can find plenty of, but she is losing a parent who is much much harder to find.

Tamat


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Less painful for all to just be done,IMO.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Lardo said:


> She will do ok,unless her looks have faded. These sociopaths seem to land on their feet.


She looks pretty good for 49 but you know how it is. All dudes know. As long as she has a heartbeat and a hole she'll have a man in her life. Any female can as long as they have those two things. I really hope she does. I'm truly over all the anger/rage/hate. Enough time has passed and I'm ready to move forward. I thought we could do this in-house separation thing for another school year due to some financial winfalls that we'd get by staying in the house together another year. The problem was she didn't believe it was over and keeps "DB'ing" me. I can't take it anymore. Money isn't worth it. I'll take the hit to be free.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@LucasJackson - wow talk about disconnected from reality - but I bet once she accepts its over she will have a new booyfriend real quick...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Lucas,
> 
> I was talk about this with someone today and the question was why do serial cheaters fight so hard to keep their marriage when their spouse calls it quits.
> 
> ...



I think this is brilliant and explains a lot. Great post!:allhail:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @LucasJackson - wow talk about disconnected from reality - but I bet once she accepts its over she will have a new booyfriend real quick...


And he will be a real prize. :laugh:


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

She is 49 and her stock is going down. Of course she can always get laid. Plenty of guys out there grabbing for low hanging fruit.

But to snag another sponsor, someone to support her. That's a tough sell at 49. Guys with those ambitions tend toward younger women. 

So she will soon be a cheating, divorced 50 year old. Your leaving will bring that reality down on her soon.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Ah, God, I bet filing will lead to an extinction burst of DB'ing. Poor LucasJackson. He may be being aggressively DB'd right now! In print that sounds so much different than it would irl, btw. I've been DB'd. When it truly is over, the DB'ing is crazymaking.

When I left my exH, we still had a lease on a 2 bed, 3 level townhouse apartment. I couldn't afford it on my own and he had nowhere to go but his parents, which he wanted to avoid. I agreed to be amicable and told him he could stay in the apartment until he was able to move on his own. He could move to the basement, I'd have one bedroom and DD's would have the other. Public spaces shared. I'd have time to get working and arrange childcare and he'd have time to start saving and be able to move without having to go home to mommy and daddy.

It lasted 2 months.

ExH seemed to think the whole thing would blow over and we'd go back to the familiarity of uncomfortable misery. Then, a few weeks after that, he realized I was serious, lost his grip, got violent, a neighbor called the cops, he got arrested. As soon as the police cruiser pulled away, I was boxing up his stuff. I called his mom to come get his shyt or I'd throw it out and I let her know her son was in jail in case she wanted to retrieve him while she was at it.

I've seen a lot of relationships end over the years. When one is in denial and is self-delusional and the other finally says or does something that makes the one realize it is actually over, there is often a very strong reaction. It's like they have mini-mental breakdowns while their brains reboot or something. Be prepared for that, just in case. LJ.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Banned-It.45 said:


> I don't understand her trepidation. You are setting her free to be the bimbo she always wanted to be. I would think she would be grateful you allowed her to play "happy family" for as long as you did.


*Yeah, Bandito! But apparently, she relishes being the unfaithful "bimbo" who is cared for and looked after ~ much like a "Plan B!" Sounds rather convenient, wouldn't you say?

Like a near grown suckling calf, she needs to be fastly weaned from the sugar teat!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Every time I read "DB" in this thread, I read it as "d**chebag" instead of "divorce-busting".

It's not really intentional, but still... it makes for a more humorous read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Ah, God, I bet filing will lead to an extinction burst of DB'ing. Poor LucasJackson. He may be being aggressively DB'd right now! In print that sounds so much different than it would irl, btw. I've been DB'd. When it truly is over, the DB'ing is crazymaking.
> 
> When I left my exH, we still had a lease on a 2 bed, 3 level townhouse apartment. I couldn't afford it on my own and he had nowhere to go but his parents, which he wanted to avoid. I agreed to be amicable and told him he could stay in the apartment until he was able to move on his own. He could move to the basement, I'd have one bedroom and DD's would have the other. Public spaces shared. I'd have time to get working and arrange childcare and he'd have time to start saving and be able to move without having to go home to mommy and daddy.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this. I do worry that once she truly realizes that it's over that the crazy will come back out. At that point who knows what she's capable of. That's why I want to be physically apart from her at that point.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Yeah, Bandito! But apparently, she relishes being the unfaithful "bimbo" who is cared for and looked after ~ much like a "Plan B!" Sounds rather convenient, wouldn't you say?
> 
> Like a near grown suckling calf, she needs to be fastly weaned from the sugar teat!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What she keeps trying to pitch me is that she was "sick" during that time of her life and that due to depression, midlife crisis, whatever, that she isn't fully responsible for her actions during that period. She gets some friends and an IC to back her up on this. She claims now she has gotten help and knows how horrible she behaved and that she's back to being my soul mate wife like before. She thinks I should be able to forgive and forget all the lies and get back to the marriage we had before. She wants me to do IC with her therapist to help me understand what she went through and help me get over it and take her back basically.

I tell her I can forgive and forget but a requirement of that is that we divorce and I remove her from my life as much as possible.

Personally I think she's still nuts if she thinks this psycho-babble can explain away all the lies/betrayal/infidelity she did. I'm not going for that. Ever.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> What she keeps trying to pitch me is that she was "sick" during that time of her life and that due to depression, midlife crisis, whatever, that she isn't fully responsible for her actions during that period. She gets some friends and an IC to back her up on this. She claims now she has gotten help and knows how horrible she behaved and that she's back to being my soul mate wife like before. She thinks I should be able to forgive and forget all the lies and get back to the marriage we had before. She wants me to do IC with her therapist to help me understand what she went through and help me get over it and take her back basically.
> 
> I tell her I can forgive and forget but a requirement of that is that we divorce and I remove her from my life as much as possible.
> 
> Personally I think she's still nuts if she thinks this psycho-babble can explain away all the lies/betrayal/infidelity she did. I'm not going for that. Ever.


Its funny (crazy) what some cheaters will do and say to not lose the cake eating gravy train and not except true responsibility for their actions.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I'm always amazed at how quickly even the worst WW "see the light" once the divorce papers are in their hands.
I think part of that is that like you said the IC and her friends keep telling her **** to extend the cycle until you become calmer and can understand why she did it and forgive her. Quite honestly, I think that most men do not immediately leave and they know that.

And these therapists have a vested interest in "keeping hope alive". That means more sessions and more therapy. You might consider taking the bait and telling her genius IC exactly what you have posted here and tell her to help you wife all she wants to as long as it does not involve you accepting what she did, which appears to be have multiple affairs.

The more you read these forums, it seems that once your wife hits 40, it might be a good idea to be standard operating procedure to install a VAR and GPS tracker. They seem to go off the rails at this age and up. Only kidding about everyone doing it, but these mid life crisis stories never seem to end .

The bottom line is that in house separations must be the most difficult thing to live with. I cannot imagine how people do it. i agree with you, take the hit and get it over with.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> What she keeps trying to pitch me is that she was "sick" during that time of her life and that due to depression, midlife crisis, whatever, that she isn't fully responsible for her actions during that period.
> 
> Personally I think she's still nuts if she thinks this psycho-babble can explain away all the lies/betrayal/infidelity she did. I'm not going for that. Ever.


I was a WW in my first marriage. I was honest about it, though, so that makes me kinda weird. 

Anyways, I was also diagnosed with depression and have done the midlife crisis thing. Neither depression nor midlife crisis took away my ability to know right from wrong, truth from lies, and loyalty from betrayal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Yeah, Bandito! But apparently, she relishes being the unfaithful "bimbo" who is cared for and looked after ~ much like a "Plan B!" Sounds rather convenient, wouldn't you say?
> 
> Like a near grown suckling calf, she needs to be fastly weaned from the sugar teat!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get her off that colostrum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> What she keeps trying to pitch me is that she was "sick" during that time of her life and that due to depression, midlife crisis, whatever, that she isn't fully responsible for her actions during that period. She gets some friends and an IC to back her up on this. She claims now she has gotten help and knows how horrible she behaved and that she's back to being my soul mate wife like before. She thinks I should be able to forgive and forget all the lies and get back to the marriage we had before. She wants me to do IC with her therapist to help me understand what she went through and help me get over it and take her back basically.
> 
> I tell her I can forgive and forget but a requirement of that is that we divorce and I remove her from my life as much as possible.
> 
> Personally I think she's still nuts if she thinks this psycho-babble can explain away all the lies/betrayal/infidelity she did. I'm not going for that. Ever.


Lucas what was her emotional response when she got served?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

LucasJackson said:


> What she keeps trying to pitch me is that she was "sick" during that time of her life and that due to depression, midlife crisis, whatever, that she isn't fully responsible for her actions during that period. She gets some friends and an IC to back her up on this. She claims now she has gotten help and knows how horrible she behaved and that she's back to being my soul mate wife like before. She thinks I should be able to forgive and forget all the lies and get back to the marriage we had before. She wants me to do IC with her therapist to help me understand what she went through and help me get over it and take her back basically.
> 
> I tell her I can forgive and forget but a requirement of that is that we divorce and I remove her from my life as much as possible.
> 
> Personally I think she's still nuts if she thinks this psycho-babble can explain away all the lies/betrayal/infidelity she did. I'm not going for that. Ever.


Sounds like "the devil made me do it" excuse. She had multiple affairs. Did the devil made her jump from one man to another? 

Yeah, I'd divorce her, too, if she was my wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just tell her you don't love her anymore and you never will again. Just keep telling her, eventually she will get it. You don't even have to be nice about it really. Who cares.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I was a WW in my first marriage. I was honest about it, though, so that makes me kinda weird.
> 
> Anyways, I was also diagnosed with depression and have done the midlife crisis thing. Neither depression nor midlife crisis took away my ability to know right from wrong, truth from lies, and loyalty from betrayal.


Thank you for this. This exactly how I feel about it.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Just tell her you don't love her anymore and you never will again. Just keep telling her, eventually she will get it. You don't even have to be nice about it really. Who cares.


I've probably said that 100 times so far. I am honest with her. I said that I can forgive what happened but that I could never get over her being with other men. I'm just not wired that way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LucasJackson said:


> I've probably said that 100 times so far. I am honest with her. I said that I can forgive what happened but that I could never get over her being with other men. I'm just not wired that way.


Was there ever a time this woman wasn't living in la la land?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Lucas what was her emotional response when she got served?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First kind of eerily calm. She's not a calm person when it comes to serious matters like that. Now she has kind of gotten over it and is back to DB'ing. Case in point, I was out riding my motorcycle with a friend today. When I got back she had gotten in my hamper, done all my laundry, and put it away. Something she never did for me pre-A. She was also cooking one of my favorite meals and told me she hoped I had a great ride because she knows how much I love it and that I deserve to blow off stress because I work so hard and take such good care of everyone. She ended with you're such a wonderful man. I wish I had told you that more often.

She's like a Stepford wife these days. It's creeping me out. Pre-A she was still a sweet woman but I did the cooking and my own laundry. It's that damn DB'ing. Making love bank deposits and all that jazz.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Was there ever a time this woman wasn't living in la la land?


Before all this went down. She was so normal. I loved that about her. She didn't follow trends. She was sweet and genuine. Awesome wife. Great mom. I spoiled her rotten and loved doing it. I took the "cherish" part of my vow seriously. Her old high school best friend killed herself and that kicked off the whole thing. She hadn't connected with the woman in years but she left a suicide note which talked about how she hadn't been true to herself and lived the life other people wanted her to live and she couldn't do it anymore. I guess my wife did some reflecting and realized what was missing in her life was sex with other men and lying to everyone in the family. Oh well, not my problem anymore. I feel fine now. Enough time has passed and I'm not a bad looking guy. For 49 I keep myself in shape. Hopefully those grilled chicken salads when I wanted a bacon double cheeseburger will payoff when I start testing the dating waters. There is already opportunity but I'm not jumping in just yet.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> First kind of eerily calm. She's not a calm person when it comes to serious matters like that. Now she has kind of gotten over it and is back to DB'ing. Case in point, I was out riding my motorcycle with a friend today. When I got back she had gotten in my hamper, done all my laundry, and put it away. Something she never did for me pre-A. She was also cooking one of my favorite meals and told me she hoped I had a great ride because she knows how much I love it and that I deserve to blow off stress because I work so hard and take such good care of everyone. She ended with you're such a wonderful man. I wish I had told you that more often.
> 
> She's like a Stepford wife these days. It's creeping me out. Pre-A she was still a sweet woman but I did the cooking and my own laundry. It's that damn DB'ing. Making love bank deposits and all that jazz.


I would wager that when the divorce is final - the DB crap goes out the window and she goes back to the old her - if she stay celibate and doesnt date for a few years then I might believe she means this stuff..I suspect it is just a means ot an end - getting you back and her comfy life back - she's had her fun now she ready to "resettle down"...doesnt work that way...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you have your priorities straight. Many believe in "save the marriage at all costs". Which is what your stbx is doing. 

She's not remoursefull she's just trying to save her lifestyle that she sh!t all over. In order for any BS to reconcile they still have to eat the big sh!t sandwich. You can put some mustard, mayo, even some pickle relish on but it's still a sh!t sandwich. 

IMO you owe it to yourself to explore what's out there when you're ready. She sure as hell did. I'd look at this as a golden oppurtunity. Make the most of it.

Full speed ahead man!!!!!!


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Lucas,
> 
> .
> 
> ...


Thank you for posting this. I know that it fit my situation to a tee. It actually gave me dreams last night that my ex and I were able to sit down and talk it out to the point that she gained some understanding of herself. While it has no impact on her in real life It has done wonders for me in finding a little bit more peace with everything. Just when I thought the healing was done you showed me that there was still more. Thank you.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

LJ If I was you I would follow this all the way to the end. If it turns out that she is on the up and up after the D. Then nothing says that you can't date her again. If you back down from the divorce she will see it as weak and in time you will be right back where you started. Just older with less market appeal.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> LJ If I was you I would follow this all the way to the end. If it turns out that she is on the up and up after the D. Then nothing says that you can't date her again. If you back down from the divorce she will see it as weak and in time you will be right back where you started. Just older with less market appeal.


I never buy these "conversion" stories while the WS is in the process of having their cake taken away...lots of time and consistency...LJ exposed her and the OM so everyone knows what she is - now LJ needs to focus on himself and his kids...she's had her fun and now the price is her marriage - hope your wife thinks it was worth it for some strange...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like you have your priorities straight. Many believe in "save the marriage at all costs". Which is what your stbx is doing.
> 
> She's not remoursefull she's just trying to save her lifestyle that she sh!t all over. In order for any BS to reconcile they still have to eat the big sh!t sandwich. You can put some mustard, mayo, even some pickle relish on but it's still a sh!t sandwich.


QFT.

I don't like the clinical way she responded to being served.  

This is a business transaction for her. There is no love here. There is no true remorse. She has lost any semblance of what once made her a warm, empathetic human. Time for Lucas to put her in the rear view...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Banned-It.45 said:


> QFT.
> 
> I don't like the clinical way she responded to being served.
> 
> This is a business transaction for her. There is no love here. There is no true remorse. She has lost any semblance of what once made her a warm, empathetic human. Time for Lucas to put her in the rear view...


I agree and I truly believe as soon as he does she will jump into another mans lap QUICKLY...


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Blacksmith01 said:


> LJ If I was you I would follow this all the way to the end. If it turns out that she is on the up and up after the D. Then nothing says that you can't date her again. If you back down from the divorce she will see it as weak and in time you will be right back where you started. Just older with less market appeal.


I hope she finds happiness in the future but I wouldn't date her. I don't date loose women. I like nice girls.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Her reaction to being served was off. It could be clinical. Just doing the math and trying to move the numbers in her favor.

Or she may have superhero levels of denial. She just does not seem to grasp that divorce is her new reality. It will be very interesting to see whay she does when it all comes down.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> QFT.
> 
> I don't like the clinical way she responded to being served.
> 
> This is a business transaction for her. There is no love here. There is no true remorse. She has lost any semblance of what once made her a warm, empathetic human. Time for Lucas to put her in the rear view...


It is really mind boggling that someone you've known so long can change so drastically. It makes you wonder if you've finally pulled back the curtain and found the real them. Maybe what you knew before was an act and they couldn't keep it up forever. Their true colors finally came out. Who knows...and more importantly...her problem, no longer mine.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@LucasJackson - she sounds like she has mental problems no matter how you slice it...do you agree?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @LucasJackson - she sounds like she has mental problems no matter how you slice it...do you agree?


Probably. I've also had some members of her family and mine lay a guilt trip on me that she has developed some emotional/mental issues and that I'm not honoring "in sickness and in health" to be divorcing her when "she needs me most".

That's why I want to get things moving. The longer this goes on, somehow I'm becoming the bad guy because I won't give her another chance. Getting the "how can you throw away all those years" from family. Am I the one who threw them away? I don't think so. When I point that out I'm met with "...but she never intended to leave you. She loves you. She was just going through some sh*t".

Again, this is why I just want to get through this with no more delays.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> Probably. I've also had some members of her family and mine lay a guilt trip on me that she has developed some emotional/mental issues and that I'm not honoring "in sickness and in health" to be divorcing her when "she needs me most".
> 
> That's why I want to get things moving. The longer this goes on, somehow I'm becoming the bad guy because I won't give her another chance. Getting the "how can you throw away all those years" from family. Am I the one who threw them away? I don't think so. When I point that out I'm met with "...but she never intended to leave you. She loves you. She was just going through some sh*t".
> 
> Again, this is why I just want to get through this with no more delays.


 @LucasJackson - glad you are not buying into the bullsh!t guilt trip her family and shockingly yours are trying to lay on you. You are not honoring your vows? Ha! I think all parties who are trying to guilt you want to use her "mental state" as a get out of jail free card for your STBXW. Her post-D behavior will tell you if she is truly genuine - if she starts dating or shagging some guy immediately you know it was all a game. I get why her family doesn't want you two to divorce - because if she is mentally ill it becomes THEIR problem now and not yours. Can't figure out why your family would try to guilt you into staying with a serial cheater. 

When a WS or their allies say they never intended to leave you and they love you - WTF? So you show me you love me by fvcking a series of other people behind my back. Also its highly insulting - why exactly is the BS supposed to be "honored" you never intended to leave and picked them - oh wow - its like telling me I won a prize - a nasty case of herpes - its not really a prize I want but hey I won something! SMH 

How do your kids relate to her now? It can not be easy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> Probably. I've also had some members of her family and mine lay a guilt trip on me that she has developed some emotional/mental issues and that I'm not honoring "in sickness and in health" to be divorcing her when "she needs me most".
> 
> *Hmmm I guess her not honoring her vows somehow doesn't count?*
> 
> ...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

The sh*t will hit the fan once she accepts divorce is inevitable. It may take her a while to accept it while you're still under the same roof like I said. It doesn't become real until one of you is gone. 

Even when I left my ex husband we still got along. I left the last weekend in May. The end of October I had started dating my now husband. HE had been with his now wife for 4 months by the time I started dating my husband but all was peachy until *I* started dating someone else. The day I told him, the sh*t hit the fan! We had just taken the kids trick or treating together the day before, where I went back to HIS house with him and his now wife showed up as I left with the kids. All of that was ok. But the next day when I mentioned I was having someone over to watch a movie and he figured it out, I suddenly became a b*tch, a wh*re, anything you can think of. And it's not like my husband knew him. My husband is 7 years younger than my ex.

It's been a 10.5 year battle since. 

The battles coming, be prepared!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Oh and the battle is never truly won.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

LucasJackson said:


> Probably. I've also had some members of her family and mine lay a guilt trip on me that she has developed some emotional/mental issues and that I'm not honoring "in sickness and in health" to be divorcing her when "she needs me most".
> 
> That's why I want to get things moving. The longer this goes on, somehow I'm becoming the bad guy because I won't give her another chance. Getting the "how can you throw away all those years" from family. Am I the one who threw them away? I don't think so. When I point that out I'm met with "...but she never intended to leave you. She loves you. She was just going through some sh*t".
> 
> Again, this is why I just want to get through this with no more delays.


I'd react pretty damn strongly on that one. Anyone in my family (or hers) would get a string of profanities followed by the notification that they would never, ever see me again if they ever dared to go there.

I'm not anti-reconcilliation. But once a BS decides that they are ready to throw it in the bag, that's it. A BS can walk away head held high. There is **NOTHING** wrong with divorcing over infidelity.

A friend of mine dealt with true mental illness based cheating. His wife fell off her horse, hit her head. His suddenly loyal wife started serial cheating. Remorseless cheating, no indication she intended to stop. He's set her up to be taken care of for life, at his great personal expense. But he's also divorced now.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

TAMAT said:


> Lucas,
> 
> *I was talk about this with someone today and the question was why do serial cheaters fight so hard to keep their marriage when their spouse calls it quits.
> 
> ...


Experienced this same reaction when finally caught my WW serial cheating. Not sure if I ever achieved "Parent" status, I was more like a trusted hired hand.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I'd react pretty damn strongly on that one. Anyone in my family (or hers) would get a string of profanities followed by the notification that they would never, ever see me again if they ever dared to go there.
> 
> I'm not anti-reconcilliation. But once a BS decides that they are ready to throw it in the bag, that's it. A BS can walk away head held high. There is **NOTHING** wrong with divorcing over infidelity.
> 
> A friend of mine dealt with true mental illness based cheating. His wife fell off her horse, hit her head. His suddenly loyal wife started serial cheating. Remorseless cheating, no indication she intended to stop. He's set her up to be taken care of for life, at his great personal expense. But he's also divorced now.


TBI-related infidelity is a completely different universe to what we usually see here on TAM. That is something that is basically un-fixable. I feel so bad for BSs who have spouses that have gone off the deep end due to TBI.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

My family treated me like this for a couple years after I moved away from my STBX. They often asked me why I would want to leave such a great man who "made a mistake"-albeit a 2 year or longer one-and that *I* was breaking up my family etc. My sister even went so far as to ask me who was going to plan our family vacations and be the fun person if I divorced him? My brother-in-law stopped speaking to me because my STBX was such a good friend to him and I was ruining things. Well...

Truly a very hurtful thing and I did almost cut a couple of them out of my life especially BIL. We got a chance to sit down one night and hash things out and I mean we did not hold back at all. I was honest and so was he. He told me he just didn't believe that my husband would cheat at all; this was right before my STBX came clean that it had indeed been physical all along which he had denied for 3 years but I knew the truth deep down. It felt like I was convincing myself but also had to convince my family even though my STBX's actions were all telling. It was a confusing time because my husband and I loved to rugsweep any issues in our marriage and not deal with them but just ignore what was happening and resentments were huge after a certain time. I questioned myself whether I was doing the right thing because breaking up my family was a huge thing to me. The saddest thing about my divorce really. He had a couple serious girlfriends during this time too but my family still wanted me to get back together with him. I had some apologies when he finally told me the truth but I wonder if I would be estranged from some family members today if he hadn't all because they wanted to see the best in him. No one believed that he would actually cheat but he did.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

5Creed said:


> I had some apologies when he finally told me the truth but I wonder if I would be estranged from some family members today if he hadn't all because they wanted to see the best in him.* No one believed that he would actually cheat but he did.*


Family... 

"No one believed...", tell me about it. 

When caught serially cheating, my WW immediately shut down F--kBook. That was her primary contact with OM3. All her close, family used FB to keep in touch with her.

Within days she was getting emails from aunts, cousins asking why she dropped off FB. I asked her, "Tell them the Truth". She did, long term affairs, all sexual, multiple men. Without exception, all I saw was I so sorry for you, I really can't believe it, he (me) must of not been meeting your needs response. She serial cheats for years on end and still the victim. :surprise:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

RWB said:


> Family...
> 
> "No one believed...", tell me about it.
> 
> ...


I think this is the risk people take when they expose or force their spouse to do it. Not everyone feels sorry for the BS. Especially if they really like the WS, and do not like the BS.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

RWB said:


> Family...
> 
> "No one believed...", tell me about it.
> 
> ...


Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault.


If you really believe that, I think you'd be very surprised at the comments women get when it becomes known that their husband has been unfaithful. 

I eventually found out that my husband of nearly 16 years had been serially cheating for the entire 20+ years we'd been a couple. From our dating years, through our engagement, while I was hospitalized during a high risk pregnancy, while I was living at the children's hospital with our baby in the PICU, on his hobby trips, on work trips, while I was out of town for the weekend, you name it. What were probably dozens of different women - he'd lost track and only even remembered the names of 10 (only a first name for several of those) but admitted there were a lot more. Everything from long-term EAs and sexting to one night stands and long-term affairs, and often multiples going at once. 

After our divorce, I heard all sorts of really stupid things. I must not have been keeping him sexually satisfied. I must have been a real b!tch at home. Why hadn't I tried harder to fix our marriage before I just up and left him? What had I been doing that he felt the need to find comfort elsewhere? Maybe I was unstable? Others couldn't imagine why I would destroy our family over 'boys being boys'. 

And I'd never even exposed. I just didn't bother to lie about why I was filing when close family and friends asked - he was unfaithful multiple times. 

So, in my all-too-real experience, when a man cheats, his wife usually gets _plenty_ of blame from the peanut gallery. Especially if she has the gall to actually divorce his cheating ass.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Rowan said:


> If you really believe that, I think you'd be very surprised at the comments women get when it becomes known that their husband has been unfaithful.
> 
> I eventually found out that my husband of nearly 16 years had been serially cheating for the entire 20+ years we'd been a couple. From our dating years, through our engagement, while I was hospitalized during a high risk pregnancy, while I was living at the children's hospital with our baby in the PICU, on his hobby trips, on work trips, while I was out of town for the weekend, you name it. What were probably dozens of different women - he'd lost track and only even remembered the names of 10 (only a first name for several of those) but admitted there were a lot more. Everything from long-term EAs and sexting to one night stands and long-term affairs, and often multiples going at once.
> 
> ...


Your lack of exposure could be a big reason why the false narrative was perpetuated. By keeping quiet you allowed him to pain the picture and control the message. I can assure you that his version wasn't even remotely the same as the truth.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

LucasJackson said:


> Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault.


Not in my case at all; and I was honest about what happened.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> TBI-related infidelity is a completely different universe to what we usually see here on TAM. That is something that is basically un-fixable. I feel so bad for BSs who have spouses that have gone off the deep end due to TBI.


Wish @Lone Shadow would check in. I'm worried about that guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I think this is the risk people take when they expose or force their spouse to do it. Not everyone feels sorry for the BS. Especially if they really like the WS, and do not like the BS.


I'm not seeing any risk there. A BS exposes his or her WS's affair(s) and then the WS's friends and family start spouting that bullsh*t?

That's awesome.

Just more names to add to the "drop from my life forever" list for the BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

I always find it interesting when some people blame of victim of infidleity. They say the BS did not meet the WS needs or something along those lines.

"Of course the BS must have done something wrong. Why else would thier wife/husband cheat?"

I wonder if, for some of these people, this knee jerk response is a deflection technique. By that I mean...

Perhaps they need to believe this because the alternative is not acceptable to thier psyche. 

And what is the alternative view?

That there are people who can lie and cheat without cause or reason. They just do it because they want to.

If that is true then they might be married to a potential cheater. And nobody wants to entertain that idea...so the BS must have caused it. And therefore if I do not do make the mistakes or behave the way the BS did, my spouse won't cheat.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm not seeing any risk there. A BS exposes his or her WS's affair(s) and then the WS's friends and family start spouting that bullsh*t?
> 
> That's awesome.
> 
> ...


And if you are okay living like that, then it's all good. But not everyone is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

stillthinking said:


> I always find it interesting when some people blame of victim of infidleity. They say the BS did not meet the WS needs or something along those lines.
> 
> "Of course the BS must have done something wrong. Why else would thier wife/husband cheat?"
> 
> ...


I am sure there are people like the bolded. And if confronted with that, it is probably best to accept that that is how they are, and to minimize contact with them.

But from what I have read, at least, most cheaters are not like that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> Your lack of exposure could be a big reason why the false narrative was perpetuated. By keeping quiet you allowed him to pain the picture and control the message. I can assure you that his version wasn't even remotely the same as the truth.


By the time I found out about his serial cheating, there was really little reason to expose. Many in our circle had know about it for a long, long, time. Sure, after I filed, I told those close friends who didn't know and our families. He'd spent years making sure everyone suspected I was crazy, mean, and unstable. Serial cheaters are pretty prone to painting themselves as the victim to justify their actions, and because they lack a moral compass, they're very good at it. A wide exposure would have just made me sound as crazy, vindictive, and horrible as he'd been encouraging people to think I was for years - and for no real purpose. Much better, and way less drama for me, to just finalize the divorce and be done with it. And done with him. 

There's still way too much of a cultural acceptance that people only cheat in bad marriages or on bad partners. Neither of which is true. 

However, my point was simply that buying in to your earlier statement that "Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault." just makes you sound bitter and angry. That, in and of itself, is victim-speak. And it's just not true. People, of both sexes, get unfairly blamed for their spouse's cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> And if you are okay living like that, then it's all good. But not everyone is.


Again, I'm not seeing a negative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Again, I'm not seeing a negative.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For you, there may not be.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> By the time I found out about his serial cheating, there was really little reason to expose. Many in our circle had know about it for a long, long, time. Sure, after I filed, I told those close friends who didn't know and our families. He'd spent years making sure everyone suspected I was crazy, mean, and unstable. Serial cheaters are pretty prone to painting themselves as the victim to justify their actions, and because they lack a moral compass, they're very good at it. A wide exposure would have just made me sound as crazy, vindictive, and horrible as he'd been encouraging people to think I was for years - and for no real purpose. Much better, and way less drama for me, to just finalize the divorce and be done with it. And done with him.
> 
> There's still way to much of a cultural acceptance that people only cheat in bad marriages or on bad partners. Neither of which is true.
> 
> However, my point was simply that buying in to your earlier statement that "Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault." just makes you sound bitter and angry. That, in and of itself, is victim-speak. And it's just not true. People, of both sexes, get unfairly blamed for their spouse's cheating.


Ime and from what I've observed on tam it seems to me that women are more likely to try to take some responsibility for their hb's cheating.

Women are told that men cheat for sex so if their hb cheats they must not have been satisfying him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I personally think that women are more forgiving of a man cheating than vice versa. 

As women, we are almost conditioned to think that men will cheat. Maybe not consciously. I know my mom never sat me down and said “someday some man will cheat on you, and you must accept it”. I think it’s just more the way that ‘s always been portrayed through movies, music, etc. MOST movies about infidelity involve the man having an affair. A lot of songs that involve cheating involve it being the man that’s cheated. Generally in my past when I’ve heard of a marriage splitting up due to cheating, it’s been the man that did it. I think all of that combined somewhat leads a woman to basically just accept that someday it’s going to happen. So if it does, it hurts, but it doesn’t come across as such a shock. 

I have always been of the line of thinking that if a man cheats it’s sexual and if a woman cheats it’s emotional. Obviously I know better now, but I carried that belief for a very long time.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I personally think that women are more forgiving of a man cheating than vice versa.
> 
> As women, we are almost conditioned to think that men will cheat. Maybe not consciously. I know my mom never sat me down and said “someday some man will cheat on you, and you must accept it”. I think it’s just more the way that ‘s always been portrayed through movies, music, etc. MOST movies about infidelity involve the man having an affair. A lot of songs that involve cheating involve it being the man that’s cheated. Generally in my past when I’ve heard of a marriage splitting up due to cheating, it’s been the man that did it. I think all of that combined somewhat leads a woman to basically just accept that someday it’s going to happen. So if it does, it hurts, but it doesn’t come across as such a shock.
> 
> I have always been of the line of thinking that if a man cheats it’s sexual and if a woman cheats it’s emotional. Obviously I know better now, but I carried that belief for a very long time.


Honestly, men expect better behavior from women not because of sexism but because of the opposite. We believe that women are better human beings than we are. You're the mothers of the human race. We view you like the Madonna so we hold you to a higher standard than we do men. We expect very little from men. They're snakes.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> Women are always the victim. When a man cheats, it's the man's fault. When a woman cheats, it's the man's fault.


That wasn't true in my case. My XWW definitely didn't get to play the victim card. Her family adored me and was p!ssed at her. Our shared friends told me that they would have chosen me over my XWW if I had made them choose sides.


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