# Did having sex change your attitude about sex?



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There has been a fair bit of discussion about waiting for marriage to have sex. 

I think a closely related question is whether your attitudes / interests in sex changed after you started having sex. Did your priorities change?

Here "sex" is a fuzzy concept. What matters most will depend on the person - maybe its intimate contact, or intercourse our an O with a partner. Whatever step seemed to make the most difference to you. 

If people are able to predict their sexual interests before they have sex, then waiting for marriage is a reasonable option. If not, then it is a huge gamble.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I grew up in a pretty religious family, but my mother told me I shouldn't wait until marriage, the way she did. Even so, I always felt this tinge of guilt having sex before marriage, and was still somewhat shy about talking about sex, even though I wasn't shy having it. 

Once I got married, I lost the guilt aspect and wanted to have open communication with my husband about sex, but the sex had all buy dried up completely and he wouldn't even talk about it at all! Which I think was symptomatic of his inability to ever be truly emotionally intimate with anyone.

Now, post-divorce, I am experiencing the greatest sexual freedom that I have ever had. I think a big part of that is that I am determined not to end up in a sexless relationship ever again, which means I need to take ownership of my sexuality and reject any notion of shame or embarrassment, and to speak up about what I need, and when my partner isn't living up to my standards or accepting me wholly for who I am. 

I have been lucky enough to find a partner who feels the same way, and as a result we have a fun, adventurous sex life (even when we get into a bit of a rut, as everyone does from time to time). We openly talk about our sex life and our desires with one another, almost in an on-going, continuous dialogue. We both have a strong desire to meet not only our own needs, but one another's needs as well. He has told me that he has never been with a woman who has been as open and accepting of his sexual idiosyncrasies--even enthusiastic, in my case! So much so, that he has never in a relationship before been as giving and focused on his partner's pleasure and needs as he has been with me. And I must admit, I have never before been with a partner who has been as sexually generous and thoughtful as he is, which makes me in turn want to be equally as generous.

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I grew up in a pretty religious family, but my mother told me I shouldn't wait until marriage, the way she did. Even so, I always felt this tinge of guilt having sex before marriage, and was still somewhat shy about talking about sex, even though I wasn't shy having it.
> 
> Once I got married, I lost the guilt aspect and wanted to have open communication with my husband about sex, but the sex had all buy dried up completely and he wouldn't even talk about it at all! Which I think was symptomatic of his inability to ever be truly emotionally intimate with anyone.
> 
> ...


What a marvelous post. Wouldn't it be universal joy if all women (and men for that matter) could shed those inhibitions with their partners ... and be equally accepting of their partners? 

We may sooner see world peace and a cure for the common cold. (although I bet everyone having mutually satisfying relationships, if it were possible, would actually bring about world peace!)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> What a marvelous post. Wouldn't it be universal joy if all women (and men for that matter) could shed those inhibitions with their partners ... and be equally accepting of their partners?
> 
> We may sooner see world peace and a cure for the common cold. (although I bet everyone having mutually satisfying relationships, if it were possible, would actually bring about world peace!)


Thank you. I absolutely agree with you.

But I'll tell you what, I had to go through hell and back to get to where I am, and my partner and I both have experienced growing pains as our relationship has progressed, and we still continue to do so. 

But this is why I say that while the breakup of my marriage was the most painful, difficult thing I've ever experienced, it's also the best thing to ever happen to me, because I wouldn't be where I am now without it.

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My attitudes towards and interest in sex did not change after having sex.

Then you brought up the issue of waiting until marriage. My attitude is it is wrong to wait until marriage. Sex is the second most important issue within a marriage, and I think they need to practice a while to be sure they are compatible before they tie the knot.

How they treat the children being the most important. Which, ideally, they should discuss before they get married.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes. Having sex made me want more sex.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Yes it did. I thought I understood sex but I only really knew how to derive pleasure from a man's satisfaction.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Having sex and not having sex have changed my attitude about sex a lot over my 68 years.

In my teens when I lost my virginity, my thought immediately afterwards was my God, why do people make such a big deal about it! Then withing a few months I could hardly get enough and if I went for a long spell of arousal I would ache (yes blue balls are real). 

Then when sleep deprived with two young children; sleep and basic needs of the household were much more important than sex. 

Then later in my life, sex became important again, but my wife and I emotionally drifted apart until I was in a Sex Starved Marriage. Then my wife and I worked through our problems and now have a satisfying sex life that I find incredibly rewarding and emotionally fulfilling.

So yes, my attitude toward sex has changed dramatically over time and it has changed because of the sex or lack of sex I have had.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When you have casual sex with someone who means so little to you and you mean so little to them, it's kind of blah-say!

But when you finally have sex with someone that you come to love and cherish, it absolutely makes all the difference in the world!*


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Right after smartphones, in the history of bad ideas, this has to be near the top. You cannot know what you like until you try.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Please stop posting in bold. It's annoying as hell.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Puny_T-Rex_Arms said:


> Please stop posting in bold. It's annoying as hell.


*Been doing it for better than three years now! Old habits are hard to break and all told, I've had less than 1% in vociferous complaints!*


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Okay, if you're going to do that, please up your game and do bold-italic-underline. Let's take this baby to the next level.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

uhtred said:


> There has been a fair bit of discussion about waiting for marriage to have sex.
> 
> I think a closely related question is whether your attitudes / interests in sex changed after you started having sex. Did your priorities change?


*After my experiences with sex in college, I learned that sex is not really sex without love and a serious commitment to one another. 

Sex with someone to just play around is empty and rather emotionally painful for some times afterwards even if it felt good at the moment. I kind of put that type of empty sex on par with something that might be referred to as "assisted masturbation."

Once you finally have had the real thing with someone, you know it!

Badsanta*


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I am with Badsanta, but only halfway. Agree that sex with people I did not love was empty and felt bad afterward.

Found someone I love. Wish I had found a way to have meaningful sex with her. I thought I had, but eventually realized I was blissfully ignorant and mistaken. Now sex is back to empty and emotionally painful.

I am so glad to hear that @alexm is making progress (if perhaps slow) having sex be more fulfilling.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its sad to say (and of course I've never even hinted to my wife), but casual sex with other women was actually better than sex with my wife. The small amount of other experience I had was with a woman who loved sex. Since my wife doesn't like it all that much, it usually doesn't feel particularly meaningful. Once in a while we do have good sex, but is really rare. 

I think "casual" sex can be good if both enjoy and if each really cares about the others happiness, even if there isn't a deep emotional bond.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There has been a fair bit of discussion about waiting for marriage to have sex.
> 
> I think a closely related question is whether your attitudes / interests in sex changed after you started having sex. Did your priorities change?
> 
> ...


I read the question wrong.I thought it said having A sex change.😂😂😂


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Its sad to say (and of course I've never even hinted to my wife), but casual sex with other women was actually better than sex with my wife. The small amount of other experience I had was with a woman who loved sex. Since my wife doesn't like it all that much, it usually doesn't feel particularly meaningful. Once in a while we do have good sex, but is really rare.
> 
> I think "casual" sex can be good if both enjoy and if each really cares about the others happiness, even if there isn't a deep emotional bond.


Casual sex can be good if you share chemistry and are comfortable with each other, I have had good and bad casual sex I guess it depends on how well you click but sex with someone who you love or are connected to is so much better. The best sex I have ever had has been with the Girl I lost my Virginity to and my W(STBX) since in both instances we were totally comfortable and had great bedroom communication and no one had any inhibitions. 

Casual Sex just the excitement factor at first but can be underwhelming after.


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