# How to learn to talk again...



## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Our lives are spent in so much silence. We have been married for 30 years. We do all the things the stupid marriage books tell me to do: we have weekends together, we speak respectfully to each other, we share some hobbies, we do charity work together... Yet I spent 10 hours in the car with him yesterday to such silence and it is always that way. I will try to say something and he gives a brief answer. I ask him to expand and he will a little, then silence again. I can chat on and on about my job, but I don't think he is very interested. He can chat on and on about guns, but I could really care less though I try to ask questions but it just doesn't really interest me.. So I'm faking it. Our sex life stinks. We went away for a little vacation and got back yesterday. No sex at all. I'm so bored and lonely and I cannot wait for my job to start again.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You have your answer, you just need to follow through.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Follow through?? on what?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you find something different to do that you both care about?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Get him drunk nightly and have good conversations and crazy wild sex. If that doesn't work, go find a new husband. They are all replaceable.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Sorry, we don't drink. I also believe marriage is for life. In God's eyes he is not replaceable.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Maybe your both too comfortable with each other... I know you tried books but what about marriage counseling? Just to get some better thoughts/ideas on it. Maybe he has always been not much of a talker and your realizing that now. It's great that you share hobbies together.. Try vacationing with another couple-- that could help keep the conversation/interest alive.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I went once with him to a counselor. It was actually for him. He didn't want to go in by himself. I went to several sessions. They got along quite well...too well I think. It was his last session and I finally got up enough courage to bring up an incident that had bothered me and the counselor laughed... He later backtracked and talked about how counseling is good for tune-ups but how great we were. ...probably because we hold hands the whole sessions, don't fight, etc. I know he gets world war II in there with other couples. It made me feel so small when the therapist laughed at me. I don't really want to try again.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Sounds like my wife complaining about me before she walked out into another mans bed, boo-hoo for me, not really, i have been alone for 3 weeks and to tell you the truth, i would have her back in a second if only to try and mend my marriage. She never gave me a chance to understand where she was, i appreciate your sentiment that marriage is for life, i believe this also but my wife thinks our marital vows were like last weeks Chinese takeaway, at the the bottom of the bin. My advice to you is to think of a way to get his attention and tell him a few home truths, your wants and desires you need from him to make you happier than you are just now. My wife left i changed my diet, got rid of the TV, took exercise and wear better clothes, too late for me i think but men can change but stop at leaving and work on him to realise his omissions. 
Love and peace always
KevinZX


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Would you please share how old the two of you are? I would guess at 30 years you must be in your 50's.

Would you say this has been something you have dealt with over the decades or more in the last one?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

We have been dealing with this not even for the last one. Yes, we are in our early 50's. We only have one child left at home that is in high school. I would say, maybe it has been the last 5 years or maybe I was so buried under stress I didn't notice until 2012. We have had quite a few crisis and some are continuing. Yeah, we can talk about those for hours but I'm tired of talking about a child's mental health or our own health crisis. I want to have fun again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then find something to do that is fun. And don't take no for an answer.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> Then find something to do that is fun. And don't take no for an answer.


We are about to take a two week camping vacation which I hope will be fun. We will fish and take hikes, cook outside, etc. I just hope we will actually talk about fun stuff.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I mean we will talk about where to go, who is setting up what, who will do what. Which hike will we do. We work very, very, very well together. We make a great team. Passion and laughter....not so much anymore. We used to. I watched a video of when we were engaged and how funny he used to be...he was smiling, laughing making me laugh...he couldn't keep his hands off of me... I really miss that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for just plain talking, why not just start asking him stuff about himself? What he liked best growing up, foods he wouldn't eat but loves now, classes he liked, what college was like for him...things like that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hazel55 said:


> I went once with him to a counselor. It was actually for him. He didn't want to go in by himself. I went to several sessions. They got along quite well...too well I think. It was his last session and I finally got up enough courage to bring up an incident that had bothered me and the counselor laughed... He later backtracked and talked about how counseling is good for tune-ups but how great we were. ...probably because we hold hands the whole sessions, don't fight, etc. I know he gets world war II in there with other couples. It made me feel so small when the therapist laughed at me. I don't really want to try again.


Counselors are like anything else, there are good ones and bad ones. Life isn't always easy at first. You are making a mistake and cutting off an avenue that could help you by judging everyone of them on this bad one. 

Besides all that I suggest you start telling him how you feel. You are going to put pressure on the relationship one way or another. Better to do it in a honest way then a dishonest one. See how he responds. A good man who loves you will try for you, it may not be enough to fulfill your every wish but it may be enough to allow you to feel loved again. 

One note you can't look to any one person to fulfill that which is missing in yourself. No one is capable of doing that, you should have hobbies and other things that do that. Friendships, platonic friendships, with people who will not be a temptation for you. I would also suggest you be the first to try for him. Go shoot with him. Maybe you can find something you like in that. You don't just have to shoot at live things you know. 

Marry isn't meant to make you happily ever after. If you look at it that way you will never be happy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hazel55 said:


> I mean we will talk about where to go, who is setting up what, who will do what. Which hike will we do. We work very, very, very well together. We make a great team. Passion and laughter....not so much anymore. We used to. I watched a video of when we were engaged and how funny he used to be...he was smiling, laughing making me laugh...he couldn't keep his hands off of me... I really miss that.


You suffer from what a lot of women suffer from. You expect your husband to bring you passion, you expect your husband to fulfill your life. This is wrong thinking but it is the product of Disney and Romance novels. (Before you call me sexist, men do the same thing when they expect their wives who have given birth to their children to have the bodies of supermodels. This is the produce of porn and advertising.) It's exactly the same unrealistic thinking. It say more about the people thinking that way then their partners failings. 

Get you own passion and bring your husband along. Or if he has a passion ask him to let you be a part of it. Life isn't a romance movie. It takes work. Passion when you have been married for years takes work AND TALKING ABOUT IT! You work good together? GOOD, WORK ON SOME PASSION. The easiest quickest way to make husband into you passionately, do something sexy for him, then make him want more and play it up. Take a chance. It may be good to say to him look I miss the passion so I am doing this. Then boom something sexy, do it on the trip. 

Point is YOU are half the marriage, YOU are the one suffering, YOU need to make the change. At the very least talk to him!

If you leave him you may find passion with someone else but it will be short lived. Maybe that is what it takes for you to learn the lesson but I would bet money you will feel less happy about it in the long run. If you think loyalty is of any importance. If you think that history is of any importance. Right now as you have not even conveyed the problem to your loyal husband, whom you made a commitment to and who is being nothing but a good man. Right now since you have these feeling and have not given him a chance, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. 

"Husband, I am in crisis, I feel very lonely I need passion in my life. Help me. I want you but you have to help me. Can we work on this together. How can I bring out the passion in you?"


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Counselors are like anything else, there are good ones and bad ones. Life isn't always easy at first. You are making a mistake and cutting off an avenue that could help you by judging everyone of them on this bad one.
> 
> Besides all that I suggest you start telling him how you feel. You are going to put pressure on the relationship one way or another. Better to do it in a honest way then a dishonest one. See how he responds. A good man who loves you will try for you, it may not be enough to fulfill your every wish but it may be enough to allow you to feel loved again.
> 
> ...


I've told him before and there really isn't much he can do. AS far as putting pressure on this relationship, I took everyone's advice and got a job this year. ( we are on summer break). Yes, I was much happier and much more fufilled during the school year, but my husband and I certainly didn't grow closer, if anything more distant. I do miss my friends and my work. Only a month before I get to go back. YEAH!!

As far as trying his sport. Yeah, I did that. I went to a CHL class and got my liscence despite the fact that I will never use it. I would rather be killed than every pull a trigger on someone. We have a gun range here on our land. ( Homemade) He shoots those plastic target things. I've tried those with him and put on a smile and faked it. 

I miss sex and physical touch and yes, I've share it with him before and all I got was him feeling embarrassed, apologizing for his health issue and then trying for a week or two and that is it. I try to touch him all the time. I give him backrubs and headrubs because he loves them. I would love them to, but when I do ask, it is half-hearted at best.

All that to say he is a good provider. He is a man of integrity. He fixes everything around here without being asked. If I ask him to do something, he will get it done. Fun conversation, he just doesn't feel great.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Get you own passion and bring your husband along. Or if he has a passion ask him to let you be a part of it. Life isn't a romance movie. It takes work. Passion when you have been married for years takes work AND TALKING ABOUT IT! You work good together? GOOD, WORK ON SOME PASSION. The easiest quickest way to make husband into you passionately, do something sexy for him, then make him want more and play it up. Take a chance. It may be good to say to him look I miss the passion so I am doing this. Then boom something sexy, do it on the trip.
> 
> "


But I'm tired of being the one to do it all. I've met him for dinner and flirted with him and then left a hotel key when I left. I've dressed up in a Santa Suit with sexy lingerie underneath and did a striptease to Santa Baby, etc. Yes, they were well received. But why do I have to do all the work????????? I am now an 8/10 instead of the 2/4 he married. I wish I was smaller. He is emaciated. He weighs 15 pounds less than when we married... I got the book Sheet Music and marked it up. ( We have had very few conversations about sex...the only ones have been initiated by me in the last couple of years.) I asked him to read it and to make comments on it as well. Still sitting on his desk. Sigh.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hazel55 said:


> But I'm tired of being the one to do it all. I've met him for dinner and flirted with him and then left a hotel key when I left. I've dressed up in a Santa Suit with sexy lingerie underneath and did a striptease to Santa Baby, etc. Yes, they were well received. But why do I have to do all the work????????? I am now an 8/10 instead of the 2/4 he married. I wish I was smaller. He is emaciated. He weighs 15 pounds less than when we married... I got the book Sheet Music and marked it up. ( We have had very few conversations about sex...the only ones have been initiated by me in the last couple of years.) I asked him to read it and to make comments on it as well. Still sitting on his desk. Sigh.


Well then I am sorry for you. Have you asked him if he is attracted to you? I know it will be painful if the answer is no but at least then it will make sense. Is he depressed? Why is he so skinny? Think he might be gay? The key thing is cool. Nice. Also the weight thing is probably not a big deal. Most men I know are attracted to women it a range not supermodel skinny only. Some men like women who have some meat on their bones. 

One thing is lot of men are not emotive. That is just the facts maybe you need to look to your girlfriends to have those kind of conversations. The physical things though are a big deal. Also I you may get a talkative man who doesn't give a damn about supporting you. The grass isn't always greener. Just saying.

What would happen if you were to leave him for a period of time. (Not cheat, leave him?)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hazel55 said:


> Our lives are spent in so much silence. We have been married for 30 years. We do all the things the stupid marriage books tell me to do: we have weekends together, we speak respectfully to each other, we share some hobbies, we do charity work together... Yet I spent 10 hours in the car with him yesterday to such silence and it is always that way. I will try to say something and he gives a brief answer. I ask him to expand and he will a little, then silence again. I can chat on and on about my job, but I don't think he is very interested. *He can chat on and on about guns,* but I could really care less though I try to ask questions but it just doesn't really interest me.. So I'm faking it. Our sex life stinks. We went away for a little vacation and got back yesterday. No sex at all. I'm so bored and lonely and I cannot wait for my job to start again.


You are the one who wants him to change. So you need to do some work here. Get interested in guns.

I assume he owns some guns. Ask him to talk you shooting. Get involved in it as a sport with him. Then once you have his attention, you can slow draw him towards things you are interested in.

You might benefit from the book "Divorce Busting"... yea I know you believe that marriage is forever so the book title is a turn off. But what the book talks about could help you.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You are the one who wants him to change. So you need to do some work here. Get interested in guns.
> 
> I assume he owns some guns. Ask him to talk you shooting. Get involved in it as a sport with him. Then once you have his attention, you can slow draw him towards things you are interested in.
> 
> You might benefit from the book "Divorce Busting"... yea I know you believe that marriage is forever so the book title is a turn off. But what the book talks about could help you.



Did you see my earlier post? I took a CHL class with him. I've shot with him. I don't need to ask him about his guns. He shows me the cool features or the antique stuff or how this one is different than that one. He is constantly buying them from auctions and showing me all about them. I ask questions and try to be interested. But guns kill people. I don't like them, but I know they excite him so I try to be interested.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why I suggest a different hobby that you both will take interest in.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hazel55 said:


> Did you see my earlier post? I took a CHL class with him. I've shot with him. I don't need to ask him about his guns. He shows me the cool features or the antique stuff or how this one is different than that one. He is constantly buying them from auctions and showing me all about them. I ask questions and try to be interested. But guns kill people. I don't like them, but I know they excite him so I try to be interested.


Wrong, people kill people. Sometimes they use a gun. Most often it is a drunk driver behind the wheel of a car.

I wish you the best. My wife and I are in the same situation that you and your husband are in.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> Which is why I suggest a different hobby that you both will take interest in.


We already farm/garden/take care of cows together. He is learning to play the guitar and I sing along. We are both learning Spanish for our charity work. We take long weekends to visit state parks or historical places and hike. We take camping vacations . ( We will be gone for 2 weeks this time.) We just do it in silence... I'm not sure what other hobby or how a new one will help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't talk about the places you're hiking in? About camping? About your charity work? 

Has he never talked much? Some people just don't like to talk. If he's one of them, there's probably not much you can do as that would require him being a different person. If he's just taking the marriage for granted, it might require you greasing the wheels, even though you don't want to be the one doing it.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I like book club cuz it sparks conversation about things you wouldn't normally talk about. Early in my marriage when my DH still read books, we had our own "book club." I find that particularily bonding. Now we talk politics, news. But he talks and shares with me. Work is not terribly interesting but personal stuff about his workmates is.

My college love didn't talk to me for a 5 hour car ride once. Worst trip ever. I would've been mostly miserable married to him. Is it a lack of conversation topics or an underlying grudge or hatred? If it's the latter, then there's your topic!


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> You don't talk about the places you're hiking in? About camping? About your charity work?
> 
> Has he never talked much? Some people just don't like to talk. If he's one of them, there's probably not much you can do as that would require him being a different person. If he's just taking the marriage for granted, it might require you greasing the wheels, even though you don't want to be the one doing it.


Yes we do talk about those things: Have you made the schedule of what we will do each day? We need to talk about reservations for the activities. Have we emailed the mission participants about what to pack? Have we made the schedule for the mission trip? Contacted the in-country partners?
Everything whether it is a vacation or charity work ends up being real work if that makes sense. Every conversation revolves around what we need to do not just talking for pleasure sake. If we aren't talking about what we need to do about something: farm chores, house chores, things to do for the kids, charity, vacation planning, etc., we aren't talking. We did listen to a podcast on our weekend trip and talked a little bit about that. Does that make sense? I'm tired of everything being about work to be done. I've tried some of those dating question lists but those don't seem to go very well ( What are you most afraid of? What do you see yourself doing in 5 years? What is your funniest memories?) but they seem really artificial and the conversations don't last long...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@hazel55

Is it possible that he's depressed? When did the change happen and did something happen in his life about the same time?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

We have bunch of big crisis over the last few years. This article came to my email today and it is quite appropriate


For Better or For Worse: Dealing With Tough Times in Marriage - SYMBIS Assessment


This part in particular resonated with me:

In general, every relationship has seasons; love has its own natural ebb and flow. But it’s almost a guarantee that most marriages will experience dry spells in the midst of hard times. Tough situations are very consuming, and that can drain all your energy before you’re able to give your marriage the attention it needs.
It’s pretty typical, at some point in most marriages, for spouses to express, “We were soulmates, but now we’re roommates.” When you’ve been dealing with difficult issues, you might come out of it feeling like this.
If you’ve managed to hold onto each other and get through your unique situation together, you’re one step ahead of the pack already. Clearly, your commitment to each other is still there–but it has been tested, and emotionally, it might feel pretty empty.


They suggest the following things:
Revisit things you have in common.
Reminisce together.
Invest in the interests or activities that excite your spouse.
Laugh together!


Laugh together is the one I miss most... I'm not quite sure how to achieve that. That is what I miss most. Our latest crisis is a suicidal child. The others over the last 3 years have been just as serious and there have been 4 or 5 of them. I don't want to get into all of them here, but they were serious. I'm tired. I feel a little better because we actually made love last night. I am just tired of talking about/ dealing with crisis or work stuff. I just want to relax and have fun with each other...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe do some things that are a little daring or spontaneous. Like go to new restaurants and talk about what you liked and didn't like about it. Or drive to a nearby town and just pick a place to go into. Or get on a bus and say you're getting off at the fifth stop, and see what happens. Or rent some roller skates. Try to imagine what you'd be doing when you were dating, and recreate that.


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