# Don't really know what I want



## UnsteadyandUnsure (Nov 20, 2011)

So I'm new here, just wanted an outsiders perspective. My Husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together since I was 16. Recently I've been feeling like maybe our marriage is a mistake. He nor I never had any other relationships. I lived on my own before we got married he went from mom's house to my house.He never finishes anything and gives up when things get hard. He went AWOL from the military before we got married which is still a huge source of resentment for me. He tried to get an education 3 times and always ended up giving up and quitting. I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I don't know that I respect him. I see him as an obligation and someone to be taken care of. I don't know how many times I've told him I need help around the house and it'll last for maybe a week before he goes back to the same old ways. He works nights and is generally asleep when I get home from work. I also work full time but am then expected to do everything around the house. For a long time I was even packing his lunches for him!! We've been together so long and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know that I love him the way I used to. I'm a very strong woman and I keep alot bottled in, I am very independent, but sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is "taken care of". This week he sent me a text message from work asking if I wanted to leave him, I told him the truth....I don't know. The fact that he felt that this conversation could be had via text message is even more proof of how our relationship isn't working. He says he loves me and he's willing to fight for us, but I'm at the point that I just don't know if I want it to work out. I have agreed to go to counseling, but I think I'm doing it more for him than for me. I feel like a terrible person because he didn't know anything was wrong and he was happy, when I feel miserable. Maybe it's just me? Does it sound like there's anyway to fix this? I don't know how to respect him.

Thanks for any input.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnsteadyandUnsure said:


> So I'm new here, just wanted an outsiders perspective. My Husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together since I was 16. Recently I've been feeling like maybe our marriage is a mistake. He nor I never had any other relationships. I lived on my own before we got married he went from mom's house to my house.He never finishes anything and gives up when things get hard. He went AWOL from the military before we got married which is still a huge source of resentment for me. He tried to get an education 3 times and always ended up giving up and quitting. I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I don't know that I respect him. I see him as an obligation and someone to be taken care of. I don't know how many times I've told him I need help around the house and it'll last for maybe a week before he goes back to the same old ways. He works nights and is generally asleep when I get home from work. I also work full time but am then expected to do everything around the house. For a long time I was even packing his lunches for him!! We've been together so long and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know that I love him the way I used to. I'm a very strong woman and I keep alot bottled in, I am very independent, but sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is "taken care of". This week he sent me a text message from work asking if I wanted to leave him, I told him the truth....I don't know. The fact that he felt that this conversation could be had via text message is even more proof of how our relationship isn't working. He says he loves me and he's willing to fight for us, but I'm at the point that I just don't know if I want it to work out. I have agreed to go to counseling, but I think I'm doing it more for him than for me. I feel like a terrible person because he didn't know anything was wrong and he was happy, when I feel miserable. Maybe it's just me? Does it sound like there's anyway to fix this? I don't know how to respect him.
> 
> Thanks for any input.



I don't know...is the worst answer to give a man


You do know...its all right here... Show him this post and say this is how I feel. You wanted to know I'm going to be honest

Men like to know straight up... so they can fix it.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

If you dont have kids except for the one you are married to then you are lucky and can get out without a hassle or heartbreak over kids. 

Marriage is a partnership and he doesnt pull his weight. 

Dump him. Hes a loser


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

First, you need to think about whether or not you actually want to fix it. From your post it seems your leaning towards seperation, and have been for some time.

So, do you really want to fix it, or do you want to feel like you gave it your best and it failed anyways?


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## UnsteadyandUnsure (Nov 20, 2011)

We had a big blow up the other night, since then I've been trying to continue talking to him, but he seems to already be pulling away. He says he's willing to fight for us, but then he's taking what I'm telling him and twisting it to mean that I don't love him and never loved him. At this point I've agreed to see a counselor, more so I can say I did my best to make it work. But I think I've reached the point where I'm resentful, and just don't respect him anymore. I know everyone makes mistakes and I shouldn't still be upset about his past ones, but I'm finding he's still making the same mistakes....and thank god we don't have children...just 2 dogs. The other problem is because of the first-time homebuyer tax credit, we've got to keep our house for another 1.5years or we owe the gov't 8 grand....We're gonna keep working on it, but everyone I've talked to is telling me to get out while I can.


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## UnsteadyandUnsure (Nov 20, 2011)

No I brought it up. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on him after 8 years, but I don't know if I'm just hanging on because it's all I know or have ever known. But as I said I'm going to do the counseling for him, so I can say I didn't just cut and run. I don't think I expect it to work.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

You're the only one who gets to decide if you leave the relationship. Other people are just telling you what you would do in your situation. But they're not you, they're not in your situation and they don't feel what you feel, they haven't lived your life. So keep that in mind. It's your decision. 

Counseling may help you figure out whether you want to leave or not. And yes, stepping into the unknown can be very, very difficult. But so can staying in a dysfunctional marriage.

From the way you tell the story, you are certainly justified in being resentful. It sounds like he's just coasting on your good graces and not pulling his weight. It's possible he simply doesn't know how to 'do' a long-term relationship. You said he's never had any other relationship so all he knows is what he's had with you. I'd suggest that the two of you go into counseling with the goal of figuring out what he needs to do to keep the relationship satisfying for the both of you. Sometimes a counselor can help with this. A neutral third party can carry significant weight in such matters. If he still doesn't step up his game, then your course seems clear. 

But keep in mind that this is the only relationship he has known. Changing the way he deals with it will not be easy for him. Perhaps fear of losing the relationship will be enough to motivate him to take responsibility but I doubt it. What can you do to make it a win/win situation?


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