# Cant forgive husbands fantasy into reality!



## pollyanne

I have been married 20 years quite happily but must admit sex was a bit stale! Then about 8 months ago husband suddenly changed and started to be more adventuress (role play etc) which perked it up (although he had been working away in the week!!). It was a bit of of a laugh to me so i went along with the fantasy and was quite good at the stories (purely fiction!!).
Anyway one night we went out and got chatting to another couple in the pub and he invited them back to our house to wait for a taxi (we were all quite drunk by this time). Then he approached meon my own in the house and said that he had spoke to the other guy and that "they were up for it!" (meaning swopping/4some or whatever). I couldnt beleive my husband had even suggested this and thought is he actually going to go ahead with this. I then sat in the chair and waited to see what happened and if i had consented it would have happened!! so i left and went to bed and spoilt the scene for everyone else!! The other couple also left. 
The next morning he tried to pass it off as nothing but a drunken moment! I was in shock, devastated that my once loving husband could evan think about letting a stranger sleep with me and just thank god i was not too drunk where i could have been taken advantage of as the consequences dont bear thinking about!
Now many months later i cant forgive him as i feel his role was to protect me and have respect and all that is gone! It is not the marriage i had or thought i had and all he can say is just forget it and move on! I now have no interest in sex with him
as i feel it has caused devastation! It would be lovely to have it erased from my brain and carry on as we were (like he wants)
He is very unemotional and deals with everything factually (bordering on aspergers!) and cant really understand why i am like this!!
AM I BEING A DIVA??


----------



## martino

I doubt he intended you any harm, as you said he was trying to live out a fantasy. Maybe he fantasized about another guy sleeping with you. I'm not down playing your post here...just saying you may be looking for some deep meaning that isn't even there. Men can seperate emotions and sex quite easily. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. That's male brain for ya'......

About Aspergers, I doubt it. If he has the social skills to do that, i'm afraid you aren't married to an aspie. To even WANT to do that doesn't sound like an asperger person. 

M


----------



## pollyanne

Thanks for that - I'll put it down to him being unemotonal rather than aspergers! just wish i could separate my emotions and sex like men as it is eating me up and i keep going over it- I feel like i want to punish him but nothing would bother him as he is very rational. Have asked him what he would do if i had had an affair and he says he would forgive me (kind of gives me carte blanche!) My emotions are all over the place and keep feeling is this relationship worth the effort!


----------



## martino

Unemotional, distant, those things are killers. He isn't pitching into the marriage kitty. Common story here. Sounds to me like this night on the town was the bursting point of problems that were already there. The heightened sex fixed it temporarily. By him readily saying he would forgive you concerns me. Why not this: "I would be ****ing irate!" should be his reply....no easy answers.


----------



## martino

You have differing sets of values. Would do you no good to go cheat on him. He may use that to go out on you, or even encourage you to do it more. (some men love knowing their wife is with another man)


----------



## pollyanne

Would have loved him to say"i would be ***** irate because at least it would have shown some emoton! interesting what you said about the temporary sex fix as i had never thought of it that way as we were just plodding on! Really good to get another angle on it as its not the kind of situation you can tell friends about! Would love him to show some feeling but as he already told me he is'nt made that way! guess the solution is getting more apparent.


----------



## knortoh

Hey there,

I read your post and thought I'd share something with you - it may not in any way relate to what is happening in your relationship but a couple of things you said really sounded familiar.

My H has left me - 

The year before he left sex between us became a little strange - like your H my H started wanting to do a lot of different things - it was ok nothing major - 

and to be honest I didn't think too much of it

it was only after he had gone and I was talking to my counsellor about it and she said that she thought it sounded liek he was going after 'sensation' as opposed to real 'feeling'....

she thought maybe because he was having trouble with his feelings...

I am struck because aside from the sex issue you mention that he is a bit of a cold fish ? 

Sounds like something may be going on with him - 

maybe the sex is a sign for something else? 

do you have a gut feeling about this?


----------



## martino

IMO just a sign that the act was more pleasing than the connection. Nothing more.


----------



## pollyanne

I think Martino is probably right and it was more the act than the connection. Although it was completely out of his character as he was normally a bit prudish but i did wonder if whilst he was working in the city in the week something had stirred things up!!!! But he denies this(but he would wouldnt he!) would be interested to know how your relationship went?


----------



## knortoh

Sorry guys I am confused -
what do you mean the act and not the connection?


----------



## dobo

It was shallow.

I would feel the same way as the original poster. If my husband wanted to give me to another man, he must not love me very much. I don't care if it is a fantasy. The reality is different and this guy tried to get his wife to swap for real. Not to mention, he would be doing the other guy's wife. Infidelity is infidelity.


----------



## chuckf75

It is a very normal fantasy to do swapping and is tried by many couples. I can certainly appreciate that YOU don't like it but I would not think your H is strange for wanting to try this. Being one who has tried about everything at least once, I can tell you that love or respect for you has nothing to do with it. He should have discussed it with you beforehand but perhaps the drinks got him too loose.

Now here is the real problem: you had one issue with him 8 months ago and you are still resentful about it? We all make mistakes and if you cannot forgive him and move on I don't know what to say. He didn't even fool around on you, merely suggested a 4-some. 

I had this same issue with my first wife, I told her once early on that I loved her pancakes but she sometimes burnt them a bit and I didn't like that as much. 2 years later she was bringing up how I "got on her" about this. Man, life is tough and we are all trying to live together as best we can. Everyone makes mistakes, give the guy a break! If you were my wife I could see myself walking aroung on eggshells about anything I said or did, worried that I would "pay" for it years later. Not meaning to be cruel to you but I think you are making a bigger deal about this than it is. You may have plenty of other issues with your H but this is a real small one...


----------



## pollyanne

"The act and not the connection" means he was probably not after
trying to get in touch with his inner emotions but that anyone would
have done as it was just a quick thrill! (unfortunately!)


----------



## dobo

A fantasy is a fantasy. 

Chuck, I think you just don't have the hormones to appreciate the betrayal of trust that this guy did. This isn't a small issue. It is the crux of their relationship. And the fact that the guy doesn't understand why she feels as she does is another part of the problem. He doesn't admit it was a mistake, from what I'm reading. He doesn't hear her at all on this.

Logically, if he offered his wife to another man without asking his wife first, what does that mean? 

Logically, he expected to get sex with another woman and he may have gone that way because he was attracted to the other woman, in fact. It may have been about that and not so much about his wife at all. She was merely collatoral and the best way to deal with that is to pawn her off on some other man. IOW, this was an excuse to cheat but with permission. 

Logically, he didn't know this other man at all. Did he have STDs? No idea. Nor did he know this other woman. Is that something that Mr. Logical wants to invite into his marriage?

I would worry that something happened when he started to become more adventurous and I'd suggest it had to do with either an encounter in real life or porn. My guess is, the latter. He's seen something he likes and he wanted a taste of it.

Logically, the way he went about it was distasteful to most thinking, feeling human beings.


----------



## pollyanne

Thanks for the support-thats just how i felt! I do think it can't have just got in his head from nowhere so you are probably right about the porn or whatever whilst he was working away!


----------



## Loving Husband

Fantasy is just that. It is nice to talk about and even play with the idea in your head but if you are really going to to turn fantasy into reality then you better cover all basis BEFORE it happens. Springing it on the last moment is going to send somebody into shock. Now maybe an alternative is to roll play.. Still it needs both parties on the same page. As for it being a problem now I think you need to move on from it. Sitting there dwelling on it isn't doing ANYBODY good. Sit down talk to him. Lay it out there what you want or not want. Then move on. If he wants to do it still and you don't then tell him it's a huge problem and if he needs that then your not the girl for him.. Leave the choice up to him.


----------

