# Newlywed and Miserable



## elouise11

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, after dating for the 4 years prior. I am 24 and he is 25 and we have both only dated each other. I am feeling so conflicted and I just want to hear what others have done in similar situations. 

I had serious doubts about our relationship a number of times during our dating lives, but I told myself that it was easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay in the relationship. I was graduating college and starting an extremely stressful new job around the time we got engaged. I was so overwhelmed with the stress of this job that my then fiancé became my rock. I felt so much love for him during that time, but I now wonder if it was just the comfort and stability I was craving. 

Anyways, since we have been married, I have been unhappy. There are physical traits about my husband that I just really dislike. He has not changed, but I think I have. When we started dating, all of the guys were scrawny. Now that I am 24 and seeing what most men look like, I look at my husband with disgust. His size is not something that can change, but I struggle with feeling attracted to him. Hugging, cuddling, and sex are hard because I just don't find him attractive. The physical traits I am interested in are all things he is lacking in. It goes beyond the physical too. He has recently developed OCD and refuses to get help. It makes me nauseous to see him have to check the locks over and over or drive around the block for fear he hit someone with his car. 

I am so young and I just feel so angry with myself for getting married. I know I should have waited a few more years and I would have realized he is not "the one" for me. But, now I'm stuck and trying really hard to work on this so we can be happy again. Any advice?


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## mishu143

elouise11 said:


> My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, after dating for the 4 years prior. I am 24 and he is 25 and we have both only dated each other. I am feeling so conflicted and I just want to hear what others have done in similar situations.
> 
> I had serious doubts about our relationship a number of times during our dating lives, but I told myself that it was easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay in the relationship. I was graduating college and starting an extremely stressful new job around the time we got engaged. I was so overwhelmed with the stress of this job that my then fiancé became my rock. I felt so much love for him during that time, but I now wonder if it was just the comfort and stability I was craving.
> 
> 
> Anyways, since we have been married, I have been unhappy. There are physical traits about my husband that I just really dislike. He has not changed, but I think I have. When we started dating, all of the guys were scrawny. Now that I am 24 and seeing what most men look like, I look at my husband with disgust. His size is not something that can change, but I struggle with feeling attracted to him. Hugging, cuddling, and sex are hard because I just don't find him attractive. The physical traits I am interested in are all things he is lacking in. It goes beyond the physical too. He has recently developed OCD and refuses to get help. It makes me nauseous to see him have to check the locks over and over or drive around the block for fear he hit someone with his car.
> 
> I am so young and I just feel so angry with myself for getting married. I know I should have waited a few more years and I would have realized he is not "the one" for me. But, now I'm stuck and trying really hard to work on this so we can be happy again. Any advice?


Yea do yourself and him a favor And be honest. He doesn't deserve your shallow thinking. Guess what, he can change his appearance at any given point and time, the scrawny ones usually get better with age and you will one day get old and ugly just like every other human being on planet earth....those hot men you are looking at, that's all they are, hot men, and they will use you up and spit you out just like you are doing to your hubby.... 

I don't mean to sound callous but vanity is not a reason to get married or get divorced. You married him knowing what he looked like and who he was.... The OCD thing is something he has to work on with a specialist.... It's developed over anxieties, and it sounds insane but extreme stress causes OCD behaviors.... Maybe you should try to sit down with him and ask him what's been going on, if you truly are not happy then your best bet is to let him know how you are feeling and give both of you a chance at true happiness with spouses that really can care for each of you....

But again.....looks come and go.... So keep that in mind!


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## Keenwa

elouise11 said:


> My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, after dating for the 4 years prior. I am 24 and he is 25 and we have both only dated each other. I am feeling so conflicted and I just want to hear what others have done in similar situations.
> 
> I had serious doubts about our relationship a number of times during our dating lives, but I told myself that it was easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay in the relationship. I was graduating college and starting an extremely stressful new job around the time we got engaged. I was so overwhelmed with the stress of this job that my then fiancé became my rock. I felt so much love for him during that time, but I now wonder if it was just the comfort and stability I was craving.
> 
> Anyways, since we have been married, I have been unhappy. There are physical traits about my husband that I just really dislike. He has not changed, but I think I have. When we started dating, all of the guys were scrawny. Now that I am 24 and seeing what most men look like, I look at my husband with disgust. His size is not something that can change, but I struggle with feeling attracted to him. Hugging, cuddling, and sex are hard because I just don't find him attractive. The physical traits I am interested in are all things he is lacking in. It goes beyond the physical too. He has recently developed OCD and refuses to get help. It makes me nauseous to see him have to check the locks over and over or drive around the block for fear he hit someone with his car.
> 
> I am so young and I just feel so angry with myself for getting married. I know I should have waited a few more years and I would have realized he is not "the one" for me. But, now I'm stuck and trying really hard to work on this so we can be happy again. Any advice?


 
What did you love about him apart from him being your rock when things were tough for you? BTW I knew a few guys in university who were scrawny and became big strapping men later in their 20s. But that aside you must have found something about him attractive to get together with him in the first place? Apparently we pick a partner for some of the healing qualities we need from childhood (ie did not receive) and some of the wounding qualities. 

I agree that your thinking is somewhat shallow. Just because you look at other guys and find them more sexy doesn't mean the relationship will be any better. A very sexy guy can quickly become repulsive if your needs aren't being met and if your relationship is not strong, and vice versa. 

If you do really want to fix it, then go to a counsellor/therapist and get to the bottom of what your issue is. I would do that quickly because it's much easier to break a marriage when there are no kids involved, do not have kids until you have fixed your relationship.


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## bigbearsfan

Wow! Shallow wont even begin to describe this. But I'm thinking there is more to the story. If you truly want help and advice you need to be open and honest.
But to me, it sounds like OM maybe in the picture in some way.


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## indiecat

I think you owe it to him to do some marriage counselling. 

He was there when you needed him and you should do this for him. And for yourself, you can learn a lot about relationships in general. 


Sign up for 6 MC sessions and try sincerely to hear him. 

At the end of the sessions if you still feel that the love is not there for you, then do yourselves both a favour and end the marriage. 

I think you will have more pride in yourself if you give the MC an honest try. Then you will feel you did all you could have done.


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## Cinema79

elouise11 said:


> There are physical traits about my husband that I just really dislike. He has not changed, but I think I have. When we started dating, all of the guys were scrawny. Now that I am 24 and seeing what most men look like, I look at my husband with disgust. His size is not something that can change, but I struggle with feeling attracted to him. Hugging, cuddling, and sex are hard because I just don't find him attractive. The physical traits I am interested in are all things he is lacking in.


I'm sure there are things he doesn't like about your looks either. 

You sound like my ex-wife, completely shallow. She hated the fact that I was skinny and she was fat. I still loved her anyways. After we divorced, I put on 10 lbs of muscle and got with a girl younger and prettier than her. What goes around comes around! 

Guess what? Looks don't last. Look at a majority of men in their 40's and 50's. They look terrible, especially those guys who were beefy/brawny and their 20's. Meanwhile, those skinny guys look great later on. 

Tough it out. You should never marry someone based on looks.



elouise11 said:


> He has recently developed OCD and refuses to get help. It makes me nauseous to see him have to check the locks over and over or drive around the block for fear he hit someone with his car.


What does he say specifically say to you when you ask him to get help? 



elouise11 said:


> I am so young and I just feel so angry with myself for getting married. I know I should have waited a few more years and I would have realized he is not "the one" for me. But, now I'm stuck and trying really hard to work on this so we can be happy again. Any advice?


Do you love this guy? Does he love you? Does he treat you well? Think about it. Grass is always greener when you look at our relationships. I think you throwing in the towel too early. 

Are you happy or a Debbie Downer? Answer this honestly. Is the problem you or REALLY him?


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## Chuck71

newlyweds, no kids....no you're not stuck in marriage

OCD...you just don't "develop" it, there were signs

dating is fun, marriage is work....do you agree?

he may not be a Greek god but wouldn't this have 

been clearly noticeable.... after a year or two?

If you went to a girl's only college in the middle of

the Pacific...I could understand not being enthralled

with his 'physique'. 

Maybe it was not meant in this way but you came

off as a flake, an airhead

try MC for 3-6 months, if it does not help

part ways and get on with the rest of your life


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## Mr The Other

elouise11 said:


> My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, after dating for the 4 years prior. I am 24 and he is 25 and we have both only dated each other. I am feeling so conflicted and I just want to hear what others have done in similar situations. ......


If you want him to be less anxious and OCD, then you have to reassure him. If you want him to bulk up, then feed him and encourage him to work out.

Having an ungrateful wife wears down any man. You regret getting married, but try not to take it out on him and you will be happier for it.


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## LongWalk

This forum has many male members who were in unhappy relationships, so somf ire can come the way of any WAW. 
You have come here looking for wisdom and you will find it. First you have no children and you are both young. So if your marriage ends it is not a tragedy. 
It would be unfair to divorce your husband without giving the both of you a chance at personal growth. Why not go to MC and read books on how to improve your relationship?

As to your husband's lack of sex appeal, is it fair to say your sex ranking has risen relative to his? Why did you lack confidence while in college, only to find it now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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