# For men: is it possible to stop yourself from having sex while cheating?



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

My husband disclosed after 3 months that he was intimate with another woman while he was away on a business trip. He claims then and many times since that although there was a certain amount of physical intimacy which he described to me, he stopped quite a bit before having sex.

Why is this hard for me to believe? Because if you are in the right setting, and all is in place (although he says neither of them wanted to have sex) then biologically it would be too hard to resist. It has been more than enough for me to swallow what has happened....I feel very strongly that it's important for me and for us that everything be disclosed. We are moving forward and have worked through our issues that were underlying before the one time incident. I want to be sure about what I am forgiving and for him to also have everything completely out there. 

I haven't yet read anyones thread that indicates a "near miss" and heard a mans perspective on this and would find it really helpful to hear some of your own experiences around that.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

trickle truth


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My personal thought is that he's lieing to you. Of course it's possible, but highly unlikely. 

Have you asked him to take a polygraph?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Cannot say for men but I was in a situation (during business trip as well) when we were close to have sex and I stopped and left. I was divorced at that time and the guy was a widower - so, there were no potential BSs.

However, in my mind there were 2 things that stopped me - there was no any emotional connections and I predicted a lot of complications at work.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He would be a statistical outlier if he stopped the way he says he did.

He would be statistically in the norm if he were lying to you now about how far it went.

Anything is possible, but my bet is that he's lying.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's certainly possible to stop. I've stopped (dating situations) when it seemed like a bad idea to continue for _whatever _reason. If he had second thoughts about cheating, he could very easily have stopped at any time prior to orgasm.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

As a male: not very likely. We avoid having sex outside of marriage by not getting intimate with other women in first place. Once you get the ball rolling, it's too hard to stop.

There's a slim chance the other woman shot him down in the end or he was too drunk to function. But, as they say in insurance, these are superior force circumstances rather than act of his will. Either way he is likely trickle truthing you.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Sound like trickle truth to me prepare yourself for more as time progress


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Men and women make out and even get naked without having intercourse, but he reason is usually because the woman does not want to consumate. Sometimes men don't treat a woman like a great prize and the woman refuses to have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Surely, it's possible.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Surely, it's possible.


I'm thinking it is possible ... just not a bet I'd be willing to make.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ocean wind said:


> Why is this hard for me to believe?


Because it's ridiculous... He's completely lying to you. If a man has the opportunity to throw it in. Guess what? He's throwing it in. End of story. No guy I ever met stopped short when he's getting the green light to home base. I think your husband has been watching too much Lifetime channel and thinks you'll buy into that nonsense. Cheaters lie. It's ingrained in them. Just have to assume the worse case scenario and make your decisions based on that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you have to also look at how you found out. Did he volunteer the situation or did he get caught?


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## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

Sorry that you have to deal with this uncertainty. You are not alone! 
Speaking as a guy, if I am offered p&[email protected] on a platter, and I want it, I'm going to take it. For me it is too hard to stop after going so far.

I'm in the middle of dealing with this issue, too. My wife's affair got physical. They were alone in his office after hours. She says he climaxed her with oral sex. She offered intercourse. She says he stopped there. She says physical part of affair lasted 6 months with no intercourse. Says affair lasted 3 years. (Later changed to 6 years). Still maintains no intercourse. This is driving me crazy.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Of course he could have stopped. If he could not have stopped, we would not be in a position to criticize infidelity in the first place.

It is possible to exit a sexual situation even after it's started.

We are human beings, not computer programs.

Did he stop?

Not likely. If they both were willing, it is unlikely that they stopped.

There are cases where people are attracted to one another, but there is sufficient uncertainty or maturity such that one of them exits the situation before the situation escalates.

Could he, could she? Yes.

Did they? You won't know for certain since they behaviorally are both dishonest.

What is more likely?

a. one of them exited the situation to avoid escalation
b. he's lying to you

You choose which is more likely and go with that.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The answer is if it's a one off... of course it can be done. Now the question is if you're continually putting yourself in situations where you're alone with someone and you're intimate, surely both of you are at an understanding of what's about to take place.

Once maybe but he stopped "quite a bit" think about it, (sorry for the details) but two people kissing, touching, heavy escalating the woman wants to have sex and you're meant to believe he said no stop...before kissing, touching and heavy escalating the woman wanting to have sex and he says no stop...and again.. come on.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Because it's ridiculous... He's completely lying to you. If a man has the opportunity to throw it in. Guess what? He's throwing it in. End of story. *No guy I ever met stopped short when he's getting the green light to home base.* I think your husband has been watching too much Lifetime channel and thinks you'll buy into that nonsense. Cheaters lie. It's ingrained in them. Just have to assume the worse case scenario and make your decisions based on that.


Well then you haven't met me. There were a couple of times when I was younger that I stopped when I was told exactly what she wanted to do to me. One time, the girl had taken her top off and her hand was on my junk and I told her to stop ... why? She didn't look it but she was underage. It wasn't right and it was too risky. Of course, the second I got home I took care of my self ... several times


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well then you haven't met me. There were a couple of times when I was younger that I stopped when I was told exactly what she wanted to do to me. *One time, the girl had taken her top off and her hand was on my junk and I told her to stop ... why? She didn't look it but she was underage. It wasn't right and it was too risky. * Of course, the second I got home I took care of my self ... several times


That's more about not wanting to wind up in a federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison than what B&D is talking about, don'tcha think?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

It's possible. I think you are looking at 4 standards of deviation past the norm on the bell curve possible but it's possible.

Does it matter? That is the real question. Does it matter to you or do you just want him to tell you everything and end the trickle-truthing? When that ends, you can finally begin to heal when you know all you wanted to know.

God bless sister.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

3putt said:


> That's more about not wanting to wind up in a federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison than what B&D is talking about, don'tcha think?


The point is that I was able to stop even though every ounce of my being wanted to take her. I do have control over my impulses. What's the difference between that and realizing ... hey, this is becoming real and I'm about to cheat on my wife and that is not who I am. 

... but like I said, my bet is that he did go through with it and he's just in CYA mode ... that's where the odds are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ocean wind said:


> My husband disclosed after 3 months that he was intimate with another woman while he was away on a business trip. He claims then and many times since that although there was a certain amount of physical intimacy which he described to me, he stopped quite a bit before having sex.
> 
> Why is this hard for me to believe? Because if you are in the right setting, and all is in place (although he says neither of them wanted to have sex) then biologically it would be too hard to resist. It has been more than enough for me to swallow what has happened....I feel very strongly that it's important for me and for us that everything be disclosed. We are moving forward and have worked through our issues that were underlying before the one time incident. I want to be sure about what I am forgiving and for him to also have everything completely out there.
> 
> I haven't yet read anyones thread that indicates a "near miss" and heard a mans perspective on this and would find it really helpful to hear some of your own experiences around that.


OK. I was mere seconds away from having unprotected PIV sex with my EA AP for the first time, when I suddenly had a vision of my wife's face and I knew that I had become a cheating POS and I did not have sex with my AP.

I confessed to my wife the very next day and sent my AP a NC letter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Because it's ridiculous... He's completely lying to you. If a man has the opportunity to throw it in. Guess what? He's throwing it in. End of story. No guy I ever met stopped short when he's getting the green light to home base. I think your husband has been watching too much Lifetime channel and thinks you'll buy into that nonsense. Cheaters lie. It's ingrained in them. Just have to assume the worse case scenario and make your decisions based on that.


Ridiculous? Maybe. But that's pretty much what happened to me.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I have read "near miss" threads on TAM. Don't recall the thread names, but the response was much like you get here...most people don't believe.

I know from personal experience it is hard but possible to stop. But the by umber of guys insisting it is too hard to stop suggests to me that I am probably a minority.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

For men, if there is no sex, what's the point of the affair?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

illwill said:


> For men, if there is no sex, what's the point of the affair?


If men have EAs, doesn't that suggest we sometimes want other things besides sex? 

The other thing may be the Clinton defence...."penis never met vagina therefore I did not cheat on my wife".


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Could I cuddle naked with my wifee, make out a bit but no sex?

Ummmmmmm............NO!

I want sex with her, every curve, hole, many times a night and wild adventurous sex. Then we could cuddle naked afterwards and fall asleep. I don't think my wifee would like it if I was hard, pressing up and almost in her, and trying to sleep.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Could I cuddle naked with my wifee, make out a bit but no sex?
> 
> Ummmmmmm............NO!
> 
> I want sex with her, every curve, hole, many times a night and wild adventurous sex. Then we could cuddle naked afterwards and fall asleep. I don't think my wifee would like it if I was hard, pressing up and almost in her, and trying to sleep.


Yes, but she is your wife ... there is no moral conflict there.

... and I remember many times when I would be exactly in that position and the next thing I heard was ... snore!

I do think that if I've taken all my clothes off, moral conflict or not, I've already jumped.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Wazza said:


> If men have EAs, doesn't that suggest we sometimes want other things besides sex?
> 
> The other thing may be the Clinton defence...."penis never met vagina therefore I did not cheat on my wife".


You are the only guy i have heard of who really had a EA. And you strike me as a bit more sensitive than most guys i know. No disrespect intended.

Most guys who have EA's really want to have PA's. Rejection, exposure, and/or distance are often the culprits.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Scotsirish said:


> Sorry that you have to deal with this uncertainty. You are not alone!
> Speaking as a guy, if I am offered p&[email protected] on a platter, and I want it, I'm going to take it. For me it is too hard to stop after going so far.
> 
> I'm in the middle of dealing with this issue, too. My wife's affair got physical. They were alone in his office after hours. She says he climaxed her with oral sex. She offered intercourse. She says he stopped there. She says physical part of affair lasted 6 months with no intercourse. *Says affair lasted 3 years. (Later changed to 6 years). Still maintains no intercourse. *This is driving me crazy.


Just a very brief threadjack. Sorry, Scotsirish--no way this can be true. Maybe consider posting the long version of your story in a separate thread?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

illwill said:


> You are the only guy i have heard of who really had a EA. And you strike me as a bit more sensitive than most guys i know. No disrespect intended.
> 
> Most guys who have EA's really want to have PA's. Rejection, exposure, and/or distance are often the culprits.


I am not sure I had an EA. By my values I didn't. I stopped it when I realised I was getting to that.

Plenty of EAs on TAM, if you go looking. But I don't dispute your basic premise.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

True EA's with men, that dont turn out to be PA's (even a kiss)? By your own admission you did not have one. 

Perhaps you are right, i just cannot remember many. But you been here longer than me so...


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

ocean wind said:


> He claims then and many times since that although there was a certain amount of physical intimacy which he described to me, he stopped quite a bit before having sex.
> 
> Why is this hard for me to believe? Because if you are in the right setting, and all is in place (although he says neither of them wanted to have sex) then biologically it would be too hard to resist.



If I could do it as a teenager, I would think a man could do it to. There were a couple of times in my younger years where I had a girl, naked in bed, ready to go. I didnt do it because I didnt have protection and was so scared to get a girl pregnant.

I cant imagine ever putting myself in a position to be naked in bed with a woman other than my wife, but if I were, I am 100% positive my wife and kids would be running through my mind enough for me to stop. 

I'm not saying I believe your husband, all I'm saying is its possible. Some men can restrain themselves from a naked woman believe it or not.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

illwill said:


> True EA's with men, that dont turn out to be PA's (even a kiss)? By your own admission you did not have one.
> 
> Perhaps you are right, i just cannot remember many. But you been here longer than me so...


"Admission".... How strange is this world where I have to admit to NOT having an affair 

I could go hunting for threads, I am not sure that it helps. I think OP has the answer. It is theoretically possible, but depends on the person involved, and we don't have enough data to quantify the likelihood.

Like most things in the world of infidelity, you gather all the information you can and you are still left with a great big steaming pile of doubts.

OP, FWIW, I had a similar problem. I can believe it is possible that intercourse did not occur. However, my wife made the same denial. I knew they had spent the night together. Rather than bludgeoning my wife, I set traps for her. So I was expected to believe, for example, that he had touched her thighs and rear end, but not her breast. I thought this odd, so another time when she was off guard, I asked what it felt like when he touched her breast, and silly Mrs Wazza talked about how it felt, forgetting that earlier denial. 

That worked for me because that is our dynamic, I am faster with that sort of thinking than she is. You would have to figure out your own approach to this.

In my case the affair was many years ago, so many lies were told that I do not trust her word on the subject (which is a whole other discussion) so I have assumed the worst, and chosen on the basis of that to put the past behind me and focus on the future. I may now have 100% of the truth, but I don't think so. So really my choice is to divorce or to deal with things and move forward.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think this thread is a moot point. All we ever seem to spout is that cheaters are liars, so why would you want to ask such a question of a cheater (if the man is cheating, as the questions is asked specifically of cheating men, then they are lying about it as well generally).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I I hadn't have 'seen' my wife's face at the point I did, I have no doubt I would have physically cheated on her. And unprotected. I never even thought to ask if my AP was taking contraception.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

My husband was having NSA anonymous sex hook ups but he claimed he never had intercourse, just oral and hand jobs. I found emails where he was looking for intercourse and he was lying (which I'm not naive, I always thought he was bsing). For some reason, he thought I'd forgive him.

Your husband is a liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yes, but she is your wife ... there is no moral conflict there.
> 
> ... and I remember many times when I would be exactly in that position and the next thing I heard was ... snore!
> 
> I do think that if I've taken all my clothes off, moral conflict or not, I've already jumped.



That is very true.

If I went out for a weekend with the guys, went to a house party, guys and gals there. Some hot lady hits on me hard, making out a bit, kissing my neck, she is drunk and its late.

I would like to say, nothing would happen in a million years. But being realistic. If the lady was super hot and my wifee wanted sex 1x month or less, I would be in trouble all night long, many times......not good.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Does the fact that they didn't complete the act make it any easier to take? 

Did you get details from him? Who initiated it, how far did it go? What was touched? 

I'd want the details, if only to see if he changes his story as he retells it over the next few months.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> If I could do it as a teenager, I would think a man could do it to. There were a couple of times in my younger years where I had a girl, naked in bed, ready to go. I didnt do it because I didnt have protection and was so scared to get a girl pregnant.
> 
> I cant imagine ever putting myself in a position to be naked in bed with a woman other than my wife, but if I were, I am 100% positive my wife and kids would be running through my mind enough for me to stop.
> 
> I'm not saying I believe your husband, all I'm saying is its possible. Some men can restrain themselves from a naked woman believe it or not.


But obviously if you are someone with low values and there is some other poor shmuck to look after the baby and raise it as his own without realising why would you care?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm a man and i did it. We were single and i was making out with a woman and touching her down there making her moan. She wanted it and kept asking me to do it but i didn't do it, i stopped, so it is possible with men.

I remembered my christian vows and resisted. Maybe OP husband got the guilt thing just before the act. I hope so.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

OceanWind:

It is possible to stop the sexual urges in men quite easily. Unfortunately in the past this typically involved removal of the testicles (to stop the surges of testosterone).

Now there are medical treatments (without surgery) to suppress testosterone. Courts sometimes require these treatments as condition for release of sexual offenders.

Google "chemical castration" for more details


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

It's possible. Not likely. 

Some people believe that if you don't outright have intercourse with someone you can still believe you're a chaste individual. This is of course faulty reasoning, and an error they use to get away with as much as they can. Sometimes though it can act as a line, arbitrary though it may be. Most of the time people overcome that personal line, but some people with more tender consciences will back off.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I had an EA. Could have easily taken physical. I craved then and still crave now someone who I can have exciting sex with. OW did show interest. Not sure why but was able to just walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Scotsirish said:


> Sorry that you have to deal with this uncertainty. You are not alone!
> Speaking as a guy, if I am offered p&[email protected] on a platter, and I want it, I'm going to take it. For me it is too hard to stop after going so far.
> 
> I'm in the middle of dealing with this issue, too. My wife's affair got physical. They were alone in his office after hours. She says he climaxed her with oral sex. She offered intercourse. She says he stopped there. She says physical part of affair lasted 6 months with no intercourse. Says affair lasted 3 years. (Later changed to 6 years). Still maintains no intercourse. This is driving me crazy.


That's because you're bullcrap meter is pegged to full.. all the way into the red, and there's a red flashing light just below it. Have you tried the 'c'mon, do you think i'm an idiot?' question? with a look that'll kill? What was the reaction to that? A gulp, look away and in odd high pitch voice say 'no, but you have to trust me..'?


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