# How important for your husband to be around?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

How important is it for your husband to have a lot of time to spend with you in the everyday aspects of life? One of the things I hear from wives is that their husband is gone all the time; working and doing his own thing.

If a husband worked all the time, and then was out golfing or whatever, and had very little time to spend with you, is that ok with you, or would you prefer it different, but you can live with it?

What if a husband worked a typical 9 to 5, not wealthy, but made a decent living, and had evenings and weekends to spend just hanging out with you around the house or doing activities. He's available to fix the leaky faucet, help around the house, and cuddle on the couch. Is that important to you, or can you live without it?

How much time would you prefer in the ideal marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If we start with what Marriage Builders says, 15 hours a week of one on one, date-like time, just the two of you.

To me that is the minimum. Having had a couple of husbands who got to the point of spending little to no time with me, I just don't see the point of being married if you don't spend time together. That's not a relationship. 

As for doing things like fixing leaky sinks... that's not time spent together. But maintaining a household is not just the woman's job. He is as responsible for doing it as she is. So I'm not sure why fixing the sink is being consider something special that he might do. He has 50% responsibility and needs to do his 50%. If he were not married, he'd be doing it all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> *What if a husband worked a typical 9 to 5, not wealthy, but made a decent living, and had evenings and weekends to spend just hanging out with you around the house or doing activities. He's available to fix the leaky faucet, help around the house, and cuddle on the couch. Is that important to you, or can you live without it?*


This IS us... these things are very important to both of us.. it's not just a wife thing....My husband may be laid off soon.. IF this happens.. . he will be facing keeping that good job but going to another state , or working hours away.. hey this would mean a better pension & all that....but that's just not our priority...we'd miss each other too much. 

It would be different if it was temporary.. but a lifestyle of working over the road or only coming home on weekends... so not worth the money to us..

I don't know Elegirl.. I tend to see this a little different over you.. even if it's leaky faucets, or doing home projects.. I have felt that was time, memories spent together.. we've done so many home / vehicle projects over the years... so we could save $$ in the past (Probably too much time on our 2nd house -but it sold in 3 weeks.. so it had it's payoff when we needed it) ...

It may not be exactly exciting .... but there are plenty of Fun Memories of us digging ditches side by side in the pouring rain even... going to the junk yard together.. how romantic , huh! Building something together.. seeing it to fruition... some satisfaction there.. and some "remember when's" for sure.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes, need to spend lots of time together, otherwise why bother to be in a relationship?

On the other hand, it's also important to have individual activities too. Everyone needs a bit of breathing room, but it's important to strike a healthy balance. My SO and I often meet friends alone for lunch on the weekends, but I'm talking an hour or two, not half the day or well into the evening. He likes to tinker out in the garage or ride his motorcycle, and I like to read when he does that. But we always plan our "alone" time and make sure it's not cutting into "us" time too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> As for doing things like fixing leaky sinks... that's not time spent together. But maintaining a household is not just the woman's job. He is as responsible for doing it as she is. So I'm not sure why fixing the sink is being consider something special that he might do. He has 50% responsibility and needs to do his 50%. If he were not married, he'd be doing it all.


Whew. I didn't intend for the leaky faucet to seem like a major issue; it's just something I threw in at random(could have been anything else) as a depiction of something that might need to be done in a daily life; however, I can relate it to agreeing with you. I do believe that work should be 50/50 and he should do his part. I guess what i was getting is that he's actually there to do his part instead of small items like that becoming more stressful because he's always gone.

I'll have to agree with SA too, things like that can create some fun memories when done together, and even if he does it alone, at least his his presence is felt. He's "there" instead of being gone all the time. It may not be 15 hours of date-like stuff, but he's there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If both the wife and husband work, which many couples do these days, then it's a matter of when to make time for one another after work. In an ideal marriage, I could see wanting to spend quality time together, which is more relevant than just hours and hours of 'time together.' The quality of that time is what's most important, IMO. 

Someday, when I'm married, I will vow to make quality time a priority.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm not just talking about close, together time at home, but just wondering if you enjoy it more for your husband to be around instead of gone.

I had an aunt and uncle who loved being at home with each other. I realize it's not all cuddling on the couch, but they just enjoy the presence of each other rather than being apart. Even though the husband may be out tinkering in the garage for a while, she enjoys the fact that he's there. I guess one can always go into the garage and exchange a few comments, and just knowing they were at home together brought them enjoyment. Make any sense?

Are there those that if it's not time being spent together, it's the same as being gone. In other words, if he's in the basement working on a project, is it the same as if he's away golfing?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

southbound said:


> I'm not just talking about close, together time at home, but just wondering if you enjoy it more for your husband to be around instead of gone.
> 
> I had an aunt and uncle who loved being at home with each other. I realize it's not all cuddling on the couch, but they just enjoy the presence of each other rather than being apart. Even though the husband may be out tinkering in the garage for a while, she enjoys the fact that he's there. I guess one can always go into the garage and exchange a few comments, and just knowing they were at home together brought them enjoyment. Make any sense?
> 
> *Are there those that if it's not time being spent together, it's the same as being gone. In other words, if he's in the basement working on a project, is it the same as if he's away golfing?*


We spend a lot of hours together, cuddling on the couch, socialising, cooking, gardening etc. I look forward to him coming home from work and I miss him when he is not home. 

But we also spend time at home but not together eg. we can have a whole day out in the garden, not working side by side but connecting every so often for a kiss, cuddle and a cuppa. We both feel content just knowing the other is around, close by but happily doing their own thing.

Not sure about the "not wealthy" comment, why would income matter in this case? My first husband and my current are both high earners, one I did't care if he was home or not, the other I crave to be around. Has more to do with love and connection for me than money.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Holland said:


> But we also spend time at home but not together eg. we can have a whole day out in the garden, not working side by side but connecting every so often for a kiss, cuddle and a cuppa. We both feel content just knowing the other is around, close by but happily doing their own thing.


This is exactly what I'm looking for. You described it better than I.

As for the wealthy comment, I know some fellow teachers who have summers off, and their wives would rather they take on a job during those three months for extra money, even though it's not necessary, it's just extra money.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We spend most of our non-work time together, because we want to. This time is split between doing things together and doing our own thing, but still being around for companionship. We do have hobbies, friends, activities, etc., that we do separately where we go out alone, but that's only a few hours a week on average.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

southbound said:


> This is exactly what I'm looking for. You described it better than I.
> 
> *As for the wealthy comment, I know some fellow teachers who have summers off, and their wives would rather they take on a job during those three months for extra money, even though it's not necessary, it's just extra money.*


Ok that makes sense now. No I would rather have him around instead of taking on a second job especially if we didn't need the extra money. 

As to the first point, oh I love just knowing he is around, we both feel the same about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This IS us... these things are very important to both of us.. it's not just a wife thing....My husband may be laid off soon.. IF this happens.. . he will be facing keeping that good job but going to another state , or working hours away.. hey this would mean a better pension & all that....but that's just not our priority...we'd miss each other too much.
> 
> It would be different if it was temporary.. but a lifestyle of working over the road or only coming home on weekends... so not worth the money to us..
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstood me.

A person fixing a leaky sink all by themselves is not couples quality time.

A husband (because that's what this thread is talking about) fixing the leaky sink all by himself does not fill a wife's need to spend time with her husband. The way the OP put it, it sounds like the leaky sink is her job/responsibility. So she must surely feel all kinds of thrills if he will do this for 'her'. But it's his job as much as it is her job. So again, it does not replace time together.

Now if both husband and wife enjoy doing things like fixing leaking sinks and so do it together, that can be fun time together. This is what you are talking about. It's not the scenario that I was talking about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

southbound said:


> Whew. I didn't intend for the leaky faucet to seem like a major issue; it's just something I threw in at random(could have been anything else) as a depiction of something that might need to be done in a daily life; however, I can relate it to agreeing with you. I do believe that work should be 50/50 and he should do his part. I guess what i was getting is that he's actually there to do his part instead of small items like that becoming more stressful because he's always gone..


I agree that the husband keeping up his responsibilities around the home is very important. Note that if the guy does not want to fix that sink, perhaps he's short on time, then he can hire someone to do it. The point is that he makes sure that his part of the household stuff gets done, not that he has to actually do it all himself. It might be wise to pay someone sometimes, that way he and she can spend more time together.

Part of my point is that if he fixes the sink by himself, that does not replace him spending quality time with her. There are two needs: Domestic Support (like doing things around the house) and Quality Time together. They are both needed, either replaces the other.



southbound said:


> I'll have to agree with SA too, things like that can create some fun memories when done together, and even if he does it alone, at least his his presence is felt. He's "there" instead of being gone all the time. It may not be 15 hours of date-like stuff, but he's there.


The term "date-like stuff" if often misunderstood. It's not just getting dressed up and going to a movie. It's spending quality time together like people do when they dated. I can be a fancy dinner out, or just a walk in the park while holding hands and talking; or an hour or two a night sitting together cuddling and talking. It can also be things that a couple enjoy doing together. If fixing up the house, doing landscaping, etc is what both enjoy and they do it together, it can be quality time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wouldn't want my husband travelling for work all the time, regardless of how much money he earnt. I love having him around, and I miss him terribly on the occasions he does have to travel for work. 

It's the little everyday things that we'd miss the most if anything happened to one of us...snuggling on the couch watching tele, holding hands while we fall asleep, cooking together...those little everyday memories you know?

That said, sometimes he'll be watching a movie and I'll be on the laptop but we're still "together", just doing our own thing...

No amount of money could make up for all we'd lose if he were away all the time.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> A husband (because that's what this thread is talking about) fixing the leaky sink all by himself does not fill a wife's need to spend time with her husband. The way the OP put it, it sounds like the leaky sink is her job/responsibility. So she must surely feel all kinds of thrills if he will do this for 'her'. But it's his job as much as it is her job. So again, it does not replace time together.


I certainly didn't intend it to mean that. If anything, I meant it to sound like my job. I agree that everybody should do their part, but I guess I'm slightly more accustomed to some jobs being the guy's job, and my x wife was for that as well. 

I guess this could be another thread within itself, but the leaky faucet would be mine, and I never expected my x wife to crawl under the car and change the oil. Keep in mind, had she wanted to and that was her thing, I'd have been fine with it, but it wasn't.

Come to think of it, there weren't any jobs that we considered solely hers simply because that's the way it would have been in my grandmother's day. I probably cooked, washed clothes, changed diapers, ironed clothes and cleaned house more than she did.(I'm sure I'm walking a dangerous line here, but i listed those jobs because they would have been considered "women's jobs" in my grandmother's time.):grin2:

However, there were jobs that she and i felt more comfortable with me doing. I wouldn't expect her to dig out the sewer line with a shovel or repair the roof shingles while I went fishing.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

If you asked me this 10 years ago I would have said that spending time together was not important to me. But I think I would have been lying to myself, not wanting it to be important, because I didn't want to come across as a needy woman who was a buzz kill to her husband.

My first husband was gone for work a lot and then playing golf and/or going out with the guys when he was around. I didn't think much of it although the other wives got mad when their husbands wanted to play golf all weekend. I didn't know what their problem was...

But at some point, I didn't care to be around him anymore. Then I learned he'd been screwing around on me our whole marriage.

We got divorced (before I knew about all the cheating).

Now I have H #2. I am the one who works a lot because he has health issues. We can be home together and hardly see each other 'cause I'm working 12 - 15 hours a day.

What I found was that I no longer wanted to be with him either. It would irritate me when he wanted my attention. 

I started learning things from the Marriage Builders sight that @EleGirl mentioned - first about the need to spend 15 hours a week together - I was like WTH? That's a LOT. Then about His Needs/Her Needs where I learned the need for conversation and affection and recreational companionship are every day ordinary needs and without getting them met, your love quickly fades.

One very interesting thing I learned was that it is important to spend recreational time together because when you are having a lot of fun, the people around you are making love bank deposits. So it's important to not have hobbies that exclude your spouse - find things you both enjoy and do them together, even if it means giving up your weekend golf or bike riding, or whatever.

My H and I are still nowhere near 15 hours but I can tell we both feel more love and connection the more time we spend together. And I quickly feel distant when we don't.




southbound said:


> How important is it for your husband to have a lot of time to spend with you in the everyday aspects of life? One of the things I hear from wives is that their husband is gone all the time; working and doing his own thing.
> 
> If a husband worked all the time, and then was out golfing or whatever, and had very little time to spend with you, is that ok with you, or would you prefer it different, but you can live with it?
> 
> ...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> ..................aking love bank deposits. So it's important to not have hobbies that exclude your spouse - find things you both enjoy and do them together, even if it means giving up your weekend golf or bike riding, or whatever.
> 
> *My H and I are still nowhere near 15 hours but I can tell we both feel more love and connection the more time we spend together. And I quickly feel distant when we don't*.


I had never heard of the 15 hour rule before coming to TAM and I still find it amazing that people don't spend at least that amount of time together. We spend more than 15 hours during the working week together and then pretty much all weekend so maybe 40 plus hours together in a given week. Neither of us are needy people, we just like each others company.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Holland said:


> I had never heard of the 15 hour rule before coming to TAM and I still find it amazing that people don't spend at least that amount of time together. We spend more than 15 hours during the working week together and then pretty much all weekend so maybe 40 plus hours together in a given week. Neither of us are needy people, we just like each others company.


I was thinking the same thing about myself when i was married. I thought 15 hours didn't seem like much.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Holland said:


> I had never heard of the 15 hour rule before coming to TAM and I still find it amazing that people don't spend at least that amount of time together. We spend more than 15 hours during the working week together and then pretty much all weekend so maybe 40 plus hours together in a given week. Neither of us are needy people, we just like each others company.


Well in the past I have worked 10 - 12 hours a day, often 7 days a week. Most people don't work that much, but many have commutes that can be quite long. Also, the "15 hours" is supposed to be time you give each other your undivided attention. So watching TV or a movie doesn't count, having the kids there with you doesn't count, etc.

All I know is when I heard 15 hours I thought ...how? When I told my H he bust out laughing at the idea. On the MB forum I often see people saying "there's no way..." especially people with kids.

I think a lot of it though is that people get disconnected and they *don't *enjoy their spouse's company any more. 

In the case of my current marriage, my H made it clear from the beginning that he does not like talking with me just to talk. especially not about anything at all personal. I became very self conscious that I was a really boring person and it actually got hard for me to have a normal conversation. 

Then I got pissed and started treating him the way he did me - I would ignore him and not give any response other than a blank stare or to immediately change the subject when he said things to me. I was trying to teach him what it felt like but he didn't "get" it - he just got his feelings hurt. 

Once I learned about emotional needs and that it's normal to want conversation I explained this and he started really trying but by this time it took will power on my part to let him try 'cause I was so disconnected I no longer craved conversation with him, I just wanted to not be bothered by him... :-(

Now we're doing much better but I still have to force myself to find time to spend together. When I do it, I feel much closer to him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Well in the past I have worked 10 - 12 hours a day, often 7 days a week. Most people don't work that much, but many have commutes that can be quite long. Also, the "15 hours" is supposed to be time you give each other your undivided attention. So watching TV or a movie doesn't count, having the kids there with you doesn't count, etc.
> 
> All I know is when I heard 15 hours I thought ...how? When I told my H he bust out laughing at the idea. On the MB forum I often see people saying "there's no way..." especially people with kids.
> 
> ...


I think time together watching a movie or something else counts towards quality time together and am happy to think that. eg when we watch a movie or show on TV we usually then have a discussion about it. The whole time is spent cuddling and talking.
We also watch the footy together either at home or the pub and this is lots of fun, together.

We have 5 part time teenagers at home, soon to become 6 and we have time together as in meal times but often they are doing their own thing.

Why do you work so many hours?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> I think you misunderstood me.
> 
> A person fixing a leaky sink all by themselves is not couples quality time.
> 
> A husband (because that's what this thread is talking about) fixing the leaky sink all by himself does not fill a wife's need to spend time with her husband. *The way the OP put it, it sounds like the leaky sink is her job/responsibility.* So she must surely feel all kinds of thrills if he will do this for 'her'. But it's his job as much as it is her job. So again, it does not replace time together.


 @southbound.. I didn't read your post like this at all .. is this how you meant it ?.. at our house.. . it would be more husband's job to tackle that...any plumbing involving pipes, fittings, that white tape you wrap around things, etc...I wouldn't know how.. I'd surely mess something up even trying.. I think whomever does a better job at something should naturally take the initiative.. 

I realize our way of doing things isn't the more modern way..I do all the cooking, cleaning (even with my working almost as many hrs a week as he now)...and he handles all the more traditional "manly" tasks...our life runs smoother this way.. that's what we want..

I don't need him to help me with my stuff, that's awfully boring & easy.... but I do help him with his..basically so we have more time for that leisure together..

Sometimes I shouldn't even bother.. I was just cutting the grass. while he took his Mom to the Doc's.. and I screwed something up on the dang mower, and it won't go forward.... so he has to come home & fix what I f**ked up.. I am not too happy with myself right [email protected] here I am killing time on TAm ... . I just created more work for him... He won't get mad.. But I do get mad at myself..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Now I feel REALLY stupid.. our 14 yr old went out there & got the mover running ... I couldn't figure out why I couldn't put it in high gear while it was running, why it moved like a turtle.. it just needed shut off, then put in high gear







...... I shouldn't' have been trying to mow through high grass earlier, I stalled it, then changed a gear that I shouldn't have touched.. yeah ..I like it when he is around... I should know more about this old Gravely, obviously.. but I didn't hurt it.. so I'm happy! Back to cutting now..


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Esther Pearl says Eros needs distance. I think being apart is good, especially if he's out doing his own thing. I also think women often say they want to be together all the time when that actually leads to complacency and resentment.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I didn't read your post like this at all .. is this how you meant it ?.. at our house.. . it would be more husband's job to tackle that


Not how I meant it at all. If anything, I emant it to sound like my job. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> ...any plumbing involving pipes, fittings, that white tape you wrap around things, etc...I wouldn't know how.. I'd surely mess something up even trying.. I think whomever does a better job at something should naturally take the initiative..
> 
> I realize our way of doing things isn't the more modern way..I do all the cooking, cleaning (even with my working almost as many hrs a week as he now)...and he handles all the more traditional "manly" tasks...our life runs smoother this way.. that's what we want..
> 
> ...


That's the way it is where I live; a lot of couples like the traditional roles better. There are things the husband does and things the wife does. I don't think it's cut in stone the way it used to be, but what some people don't realize is that there are many women who prefer the traditional roles; I know a lot of them; it's not like it's forced upon them, it's just the way they prefer; SA, I'm sure that's the way it is with you and your husband.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Holland said:


> I think time together watching a movie or something else counts towards quality time together and am happy to think that. eg when we watch a movie or show on TV we usually then have a discussion about it. The whole time is spent cuddling and talking.
> We also watch the footy together either at home or the pub and this is lots of fun, together.
> 
> We have 5 part time teenagers at home, soon to become 6 and we have time together as in meal times but often they are doing their own thing.
> ...


The time spent watching a movie would be considered "recreational companionship" per their methodology, but the time spent talking about the movie would definitely be "UA" - undivided attention time.

It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage.

I work so many hours because I have my own business and I am essentially the sole bread winner for us in a very expensive (IMO) place to live. Being self employed there is always work that needs to be done. When I have a lot of business I am swamped with work, when I don't - I am panicked that I need to find business or we'll end up on the steet... That literally almost happened when the economy here took a nose dive in 2010.

I got in a bad rut where I could not relax. When I had a job for a company, I was a hard worker, but the weekends and evenings were MINE. I wasn't worrying about work - that was the business owner's problem. But when it's my own business and it's all on me to bring in several thousand dollars a month just to pay basic bills, it is very hard for me to relax and enjoy free time. Any minute that I am not working I feel guilty. 

Since I hit menopause though and the Dr. put me on hormones plus prozac I am doing much better separating out some free time and actually enjoying it some. Maybe I've gotten too relaxed but if we don't make enough to live here - oh well. I don't want to be here anyhow! But enough about me... ;-)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Not how I meant it at all. If anything, I emant it to sound like my job.
> 
> That's the way it is where I live;* a lot of couples like the traditional roles better. There are things the husband does and things the wife does. I don't think it's cut in stone the way it used to be, but what some people don't realize is that there are many women who prefer the traditional roles; I know a lot of them; it's not like it's forced upon them, it's just the way they prefer; SA, I'm sure that's the way it is with you and your husband.*


 Yes Southbound.. you "get me", we live in a similar neck of the woods..... I really do LOVE and greatly appreciate the more Traditional ways of handling a life / family.... There are still some of us around..

What is a little more unique about us .. and why the Traditional will always be preferred, I believe it gives us more "balance"...as Temperamentally speaking... I am more the dominant partner ... if our roles were switched in a significant way... I really feel this could mess with our dynamics as a couple..

There is this sense of "looking up" to a MAN who can Get sh** done I CAN'T DO.. that helping me with the car, building things.. he built some of our living room furniture yrs ago.. after I designed it.. I loved [email protected]# 

I don't mind cooking, cleaning, etc... I *want* to do those things, he appreciates me for keeping things organized on the home front.. he has Zero care that I have it handled...every phone call, all our schedules... so when he comes home he can relax... chill...this saves him to do the stuff that I would VERY MUCH struggle to do...I might even hurt myself.. and I'd surely be swearing up a storm!!....

I suck with tools [email protected]# Ok... He can make his own!! .. there is this "oompph" I feel when I see him tackling some Gawd-awful job that I sure as heck am happy I'm not trying to figure it out... I'd want to blow the garage up.. but *he* has the patience for it..

So yeah.. I LOOK UP to him for doing what he does... he feels a man Handles the difficult, he protects & Provides for his family.. that's his belief... he wants my life/ our lives to be as carefree as possible, he wants our happiness.. 

I look at this the same way really..... I want to handle & do all I can to contribute to our Union...we never fight over his not doing enough or My not doing enough...I've never had to be a nagging wife.. I see this often on threads here.. one feels taken advantage of... the other is lazy... in our marriage.. it's just appreciation .. 

Like today.. I wanted to get that grass mowed (it takes hrs) before he got home! he didn't ask me to do this...I wanted to save him time... then we went out to eat , our son's B-day was today , he wanted to go to Golden Corral.. 

Heck on another thread.. speaking of my husband.. he sounds boring.. too touchy feely.. haven't been back there , but I wouldn't be at all surprised if someone mentioned "too feminine coming from a man".. it was about Making love.. I guess it's more manly to NEVER use this phrase or think like that... 

So my point is.. my husband is a more sensitive type guy...he's not a son of a bi*ch / aggressive...he can be on the passive side ... so he can use all the MANLY skills to bring that balance to our union.. just as I could probably make a convincing female Drill sergeant in the army (Ok I am exaggerating here)... so ya know.. me filling that purely feminine role.. it's GOOD !!!.. .. it strikes that perfect balance for us...I believe..

So he likes to help the old lady - and frankly I love having a man around..


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes Southbound.. you "get me", we live in a similar neck of the woods..... I really do LOVE and greatly appreciate the more Traditional ways of handling a life / family.... There are still some of us around..
> 
> What is a little more unique about us .. and why the Traditional will always be preferred, I believe it gives us more "balance"...as Temperamentally speaking... I am more the dominant partner ... if our roles were switched in a significant way... I really feel this could mess with our dynamics as a couple..
> 
> ...


SA, a very descriptive and informative post. That describes a lot of women where I'm from. As a man, if I had written it, I'd probably be taken out and given a good thrashing:wink2:, but I appreciate you sharing.

I'll always remember walking around with a group of students at a job fair once. There was a mechanics booth that some of the guys wanted to visit, and on the way was a cosmetology. I told some of the female students that they might be interested in this. No harm intended, that's just how it popped out, but the lady at the booth gave me a strange look and was quick to let me know that guys could also be interested in this. Luckily, she didn't flog me. I'm always careful at how I word things after that. Lol


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

When the term "traditional" is used it makes me cringe a bit. To me it conjures up images of the 50's where the little woman had no voice.

Our lifestyle is not that different in practical terms SA but I would not describe my life as "traditional".

In my world, he is a manly man in so many ways but also a very caring and considerate man. He always holds my hand, opens doors and does little things like walks to the outside when we are out and about. He is well mannered and a gentleman but a Superman in the bedroom, for me the perfect combo.
I am firey and independent but also feminine. We have no his and her's jobs but there are things he does purely due to his strength and my lack of. We both cook, clean, do the shopping etc but it is on a needs basis or who has more energy/time to do it. I am home a lot more than him but even so there is no expectation that I stay at home and do the washing.

There are plenty of people around that live close to what you term a "traditional" life but with their own tweaks to it and without the label.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Each couple is different and each of us are driven by different motivators. We have women friends who are still working in the office late into the evening, or traveling fairly consistently across the globe for meetings. We have men friends who do similarly. My view is often there's a sacrifice of some kind... whether it's the commute, the amount earned, the time away from home... that goes along with a benefit. My husband was telling me about the work he respects of someone (and the pay that goes with that). I asked, how does that person's day look in terms of commute and hours? He lives away 4 days a week. That wouldn't work for either of us and our lifestyle. Everyone is different - it's finding the balance where possible and what works for you.

Different industries have different demands and benefits too, in terms of time and earnings. We acknowledge our commutes are longer than desired but the trade off is we get to live where we do. We could earn less and work closer to home but at the moment, we're not willing to compromise on lifestyle. Our hours are pretty typical and similar to one another and that works for us. The commute has become our time in the day when we catch up over the phone.

We love sharing our time together yet we also value the time apart through interests and time with friends.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Holland said:


> When the term "traditional" is used it makes me cringe a bit. To me it conjures up images of the 50's where the little woman had no voice.
> 
> Our lifestyle is not that different in practical terms SA but I would not describe my life as "traditional".
> 
> ...


I understand. traditional is just a word. It probably means different things to different people.

I realize some talk about "the good old days," while others talk of bad times mislabeled as "the good old days." When I hear the term traditional, it strikes me as a good, pleasant term due to stories told by the women in the older generation that I grew up around. I'm aware of all the negatives that people could use to shoot it down; but maybe they didn't experience them as harshly. however, I think it comes down to personal experience as well.

Personally, from listening to all the stories told by my grandmothers and great aunts, I don't think they had any horrible experiences as a woman in the 50s. They always referred to it as "the good old days" with a smile. I really don't think they had any complaints simply based on the culture of the time period. I never heard them express any regret as time passed. None ever said they wished they had grown up in more modern times so they could have achieved differently. I truly believe they had a happy life.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

southbound said:


> How important is it for your husband to have a lot of time to spend with you in the everyday aspects of life? One of the things I hear from wives is that their husband is gone all the time; working and doing his own thing.
> 
> If a husband worked all the time, and then was out golfing or whatever, and had very little time to spend with you, is that ok with you, or would you prefer it different, but you can live with it?
> 
> ...



Mrs.CuddleBug has her own car, cell, and freedom to do whatever she wants, but she usually would rather spend time with me cuddling on the couch, doing upgrades for our place or just watch tv or a movie. If she goes out with friends or for work, she always texts me.

There are times she reads, on her laptop and watches tv by herself, her space and I do my own thing outside landscaping our area or on the computer.

We spend time together when we want each others company and we don't when we want some space.

No set amount of time, just whatever works.

If either of us are out a lot, with friends or work, we text each other.

As Mrs.CuddleBug and I have been married for so long, since September 1999......she misses me badly if we're apart and texts me like crazy. The more years together the more we are inseparable.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I miss my husband when he is away, and he is away a lot. But we have five kids to put through college, so we do what we have to do.

Dug would not be happy with a job that did not require international travel. He appreciates the stimulation. Honestly, I think we would both be bored without it.

And to me, if you are going to be the sole breadwinner, you should at least have a job you love.

Dug was doing business near the border between Brazil and Argentina a few days ago. It had been 24 hours since I had heard from him, and I was starting to panic. Had something happened to him? How sad our lives would be without him!

But then one of the kids mentioned that he had called earlier in the day. And Dug contacted me shortly thereafter. Anxiety soothed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> When the term "traditional" is used it makes me cringe a bit. To me it conjures up images of the 50's where the little woman had no voice.
> 
> Our lifestyle is not that different in practical terms SA but I would not describe my life as "traditional".
> 
> In my world, he is a manly man in so many ways but also a very caring and considerate man. He always holds my hand, opens doors and does little things like walks to the outside when we are out and about. He is well mannered and a gentleman but a Superman in the bedroom, for me the perfect combo.


 I probably shouldn't say this.. but if comparing MEN... I am not sure others would see my husband as a MANLY MAN type .. not on a higher scale.. as he enjoys watching chick flicks with me, is a love maker...(I am more aggressive in the bedroom..I can live with this -at least he loves sex!)...... and he is not into sports- like at all.. Not one to go to the gym caring about his Abs... he'd rather go to a Coin show instead of pumping iron.. Those are just little examples , but still.. a Rough & tough football player type he never was, nor will ever be.. (I guess I view manly man as High testosterone.. my husband is not a high Test guy)... 

But he is a hard working blue collar man.. on a job that so far as we've ever seen- all across the United states, has only hired men... (Better not let the feminists get wind of that !)...so it's not like he's a feminine pansy or something.. 

I do not cringe when I hear "Traditional".. I use the term often .... to me it conjures up a time when Men actually cared to marry women and treat them more like ladies instead of what we see rampant today....

It's why I appreciate the few @southbound 's who post here, so I don't feel completely alone off in the corner living in another time..I appreciate some older fashioned thinking.. at least in a more "romantic" sense..I see this as more of my personal focus, if that makes sense..... 



> I am firey and independent but also feminine. We have no his and her's jobs but there are things he does purely due to his strength and my lack of. We both cook, clean, do the shopping etc but it is on a needs basis or who has more energy/time to do it. I am home a lot more than him but even so there is no expectation that I stay at home and do the washing.


 I mentioned my post to my husband last night... even he said that what some see as traditional .. we may not really fit.. as back then Men handled most *everything*, including all the money and a woman didn't have much of a say (his words)..... that would not be US at all.. I handle all the finances.. and I have more than enough "Say" in our daily life & decisions.. 

I'm assuming what HE SAID is what many are focusing on... when they hear the term...and can see the potential for abuse ...

I may just do a thread on this someday and ask HOW others see this term, as I don't like the idea some of cringing -when to me.. it's a beautiful lifestyle.. Yet others only see _negative_... I'm like Southbound.. I have seen more of the positives in the past.. my Grandmother's marriage- which most inspired me, what I wanted for my own life even...all her siblings... and really...she was quite the feminist in her time.. loved her pottery job & pushed grandpa away for 15 yrs before she married him, but then they made that life together , had 2 sons, the youngest my father..... she was very happy & content...She married a good man. 




> There are plenty of people around that live close to what you term a "traditional" life but with their own tweaks to it and without the label.


 When Is the label appropriate then..is the question ??
I just felt if I do all the cooking, cleaning (oh he might make some pancakes for the kids or some mac & Cheese on occasion)...I make all the lists, do all the shopping (oh he may be with me sometimes)...if he had his way & we could afford it .. I would be home with the children as they grew -and I have been (but I wanted that too!)....He has always been the *primary bread winner*...he does all the work related to tools, bigger jobs, anything that requires grease, vehicles, woodworking, power tools.... and I handle the home-front, keeping things organized.. doesn't it sound pretty "traditional"?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like you have found something that works for you, SA. That is the important thing.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

For me, it's a good balance of spending time together and doing things individually as well. I do wish that my husband would leave the house a little more often than he does though. I like some alone time every so often. For some reason, I enjoy having the house to myself. I do exactly whatever I feel like doing! I don't think it's healthy to constantly need your spouse to be there all the time. About twice a year, I go on a weekend trip with a small group of ladies for scrapbooking (one of my hobbies) and my husband has always been supportive of that. I also meet up with my sister or friend for lunch and some shopping, here & there. It's important for each spouse to have their own interests and friends but also be able to enjoy time together as well.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It's very important to me.
I am someone who needs time alone but I couldn't be married to a man who worked away from home or was always away on trips ect.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> For me, it's a good balance of spending time together and doing things individually as well. I do wish that my husband would leave the house a little more often than he does though. I like some alone time every so often. *For some reason, I enjoy having the house to myself. I do exactly whatever I feel like doing! *I don't think it's healthy to constantly need your spouse to be there all the time.


 I am highlighting this comment as I've seen it a few times -when others speak on this subject, it's like "IF a spouse is home.. we can't do what we want".. what are some of those wants that our spouse interferes with ..is my question , how are they cramping your style ??

I have never felt this way about my husband.. now if I get too bi*chy.. and whiny.. there has been days he probably would have just stayed at work (oh that was yrs ago when I couldn't conceive... not today!)..... 

I can't say it's *a Need* to have our spouses around....it's purely *a want*... it's what we enjoy... so we are getting to do what we REALLY want to do.. ..it's a feeling like this.. "Life is sweet but being by your side just makes it sweeter".. ya know. 



The 15 hr a week thing.. we'd probably reach that quota in 2 days.. his days off... he purposely takes 2 weekdays off so we can have "alone time" while the kids are in school.... and I plan all my stuff around those 2 days.. sure things come up often enough.. putting a fork in our plans.. then some home project needs done here too.. he may even take some overtime.. ... but it's great to just get off.. have that free time together..* those are the highlights of our LIFE really. *

I don't think it's fair to say it's not healthy if another couple enjoys spending the majority of their time together.. when they have that opportunity... we're just not always wired the same.. for myself & husband.. our top Love languages are "time & touch" so it makes sense ... 

I could say the same about those who enjoy having their spouse gone so they can relish in a few days of alone time.. but I wouldn't say this.. just because they aren't like us.. They may have a great marriage... We have neighbors like this.. she enjoys spending a lot of time with her mom & sister.. he hangs out with the guys, many nights in fact in the garage..... she's fine with that.. she's even said -she likes it that way.. they appear a happy couple - at least on the outside.. 

Though that is not how we'd want to be.. I really don't have much family to hang with.. unless it's my own kids for one.. I try to not put the kids before Dad.. which is a good thing..

If my husband had some guys come over.. I would be just as welcome to hang with them in the garage.. and have done just that.. 

But yeah.. it's so important to be with someone who feels similar in these delicate areas.. I often feel bad for those who crave more time & attention with a spouse.. I just think they are probably not compatible.. and their lives may be very different had they met up with someone who wants that in return...

But it's also hugely important that we are ENJOYABLE to be around too ..so they want to keep coming back for more !


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am highlighting this comment as I've seen it a few times -when others speak on this subject, it's like "IF a spouse is home.. we can't do what we want".. what are some of those wants that our spouse interferes with ..is my question , how are they cramping your style ??
> 
> I have never felt this way about my husband.. now if I get too bi*chy.. and whiny.. there has been days he probably would have just stayed at work (oh that was yrs ago when I couldn't conceive... not today!).....
> 
> ...


Both the bolded describe life here too.

I do like having the place to myself though and it happens occasionally. Kids are with their other parents or out and Mr H is away for a night or two for work. I need that down time especially with such a busy household.
As I only work outside the home 2 days a week I get plenty of me time during the day. He plays sport one night a week and twice a year he goes camping for the weekend either by himself or with a kid or two.

We don't _need _to be together so much but we _want _to be together and we are both great company for the other.


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