# Further Down The Road



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hello all,

I know that my story is one of hundreds posted here by people "going through." Not sure why I'm posting here (since these stories are sadly similar), other than some of you have contacted me via PM to see how I'm doing. So here's an update.

Really, there's nothing to update. We're further down the road toward divorce. Every time I go back to what was "our" house to see my son, she has another box of my belongings boxed up. We're shopping around right now for a mediator to help us work through the financial aspects (not surprisingly, there is some disagreement about some of this).

She continues to blame me for everything. And that's OK. I'm a big boy. If she needs to tell our friends and family that it's all my fault, whatever. The people who love me will seek my side. The people who will blindly believe her version probably weren't really my friends to start with.

I do know for a fact that she has told lots of folks (including MY family!) that I bugged our phones to spy on her. And that I "badly hurt" our son (which is completely untrue!). And that the reason I'm doing this is so I can go "look for a new girlfriend."

And she's also saying that I refused to go to back to counseline (partially true... i refused to find a new counselor when she quit going to our old one, unless and until she underwent some individual counseling. I felt like she was "answer shopping" and quit our old counselor when the sessions started getting too close to the truth. I continue to see our old counselor for my own individual therapy through all of this,)

Yesterday, I briefly mentioned a summer family even that my place of employment has every year. It's a very informal type of event, and we've never attended before. But it is centered around a very popular local airshow, so I mentioned that we might want to take our 4-year old son to it since he's just recently discovered that airplanes are cool. But I also mentioned that some people at work knew about our situation, so it might be a little awkward. She asked me, "Why would it be awkward? I havent' done anything wrong....."

How do you explain to someone like this that your co-workers think she's bat-s**t crazy for all the weird accusations she's hurled my way? How do you explain that some might intentionally keep their distance because of knowing? We mutually decided that maybe going to the airshow together wasn't such a great idea. But that little converstaion completely encapsulates all of the denial she's manifested that basically made any real healing impossible.

I'm emotionally ready to move on. I hope we can resolve the financial issues via the mediator without having to drag this out too long. I'm just emotionally done. I tried and tried and tried. I hung in there and hoped even when I felt like it was hopeless. I'm just completely done.

But I'm also in a better place. Now that I've moved out, things are becoming so much more clear to me every day. The depth and nature of her emotional abuse is so much more obvious to me than when I was living in it every day. I worry about how this will affect my son, but otherwise I really don't see how I endured it as long as I did. I'm actually breathing in a little deeper every day. I actually look forward to waking up in the morning. Even though I'm sharing a house with about 6 other guys and I'm not sure where I'll be living this time next year, I'm still in a better place than I've been in years.

I've said it before and I'll say it again....this BPD stuff is really messed up!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurtn,
I hope one really critical truth stays with you for the balance of your life: You are sane, fair and decent. I know you know - you aren't perfect. But you are a good guy. So when you feel strongly that what is being done to you isn't fair, and you attempt to resolve it only to be met by aggression, you need to trust yourself. 

My W would have made a good lawyer. She is smart, quick on her feet and good with words. She is also able to skillfully sub-select the facts to focus on. Mostly though - 95% of the time - she retains her sense of humor and when redirected to a more complete fact set - she is willing to be fair. 

Note, she might not start out being fair, but when her approach is met with a calm and firm response she responds in kind. 

The other 5% of the time, reason is met with some level of escalation. And a subset of that 5% is a focused, determined, type of repeated escalation. As I have taught myself to stay calm, or rapidly return to calm, I also know that when I am "calm" I can and SHOULD trust my responses. 

The reason that matters? 

Because I am able to clearly differentiate a heated but sincere difference of opinion from a deliberate attempt to prevail thru "force of will". 

In the former case I focus on the issue - hard as it might be. And I make an attempt to accommodate what is clearly an important "issue" to my spouse, based on the intensity of her response. 

In the latter case, my focus changes completely. Because this type behavior is: When in doubt, don't sweat the facts, just bulldoze your mate into submission. 

Right now you think that it is easy to identify people with a substantial BPD aspect to their personality. I don't think that is necessarily correct. I believe this "aspect" is semi-dormant in a good sized set of the population. Manage your responses, and it stays largely dormant. 

Soon you will meet someone and it will be their lucky day. 



hurtnohio said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I know that my story is one of hundreds posted here by people "going through." Not sure why I'm posting here (since these stories are sadly similar), other than some of you have contacted me via PM to see how I'm doing. So here's an update.
> 
> ...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm glad to hear from you hurt. Please realize that none of this is your fault. I truly believe you are doing the right thing and your son will actually benefit more from this than if you would have stayed. You are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So glad you updated! And yes -- with emotional abuse you never truly realize how bad it was until you get out, and realize that you can breathe again. Wishing you all the best!


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