# Husband doesn't want counseling for the kids during our separation.



## thankfulone

My relationship with my kids has gone to pot. There is nothing that I can do right. They have seen their father talk all kinds of ways about me and have imitated the behavior. I know that I need help to repair my relationship with them. However, I have not court order to force it. 

What is your opinion on kids getting counseling and how do I get them into it when the other spouse benefits from my parental alienation from my kids?


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## 827Aug

It's one of those things which certainly won't hurt, but it may help. I wish I had taken my children to counseling after my estranged husband moved out. Four years later I can see, as young adults now, that they really needed counseling. They are bitter and really don't have a healthy view of marriage.


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## EleGirl

Have you just tried to take them on your own? I took my son to counseling when I divorced his father. I never asked permission but just did it.

then he would have to pay to go to court to force you to not have them in counseling. Would he spend money on that?


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## DTO

My ex also tried to badmouth me, so I have some insight.

The most important thing is for you to be involved in their lives. Be consistently good (does not mean coddle or spoil) them. Encourage them to judge you based on what they experience rather than what they've been told. Kids are smart and figure out what's what from a fairly early age.

Another alternative is simply to get a court order for counseling. Tell your attorney you are seeing your kids act strangely around you (and you have an idea why) and you want a qualified therapist to figure it out. If your lawyer cannot settle it with a letter, he or she can go to court to get an order.

I'm not sure exactly what concerns you have regarding your ex. In my case, I had many serious concerns so I requested (and the court granted) a full custody evaluation. Essentially, it's a process where a psychologist digs deep into the living situation to make recommendations on behalf of the children. I've found the following resource accurately details the process:

Parenting After Divorce - Anatomy of a Child Custody Evaluation

I won't lie - the process is invasive and expensive. You will have to pay the therapist fees for the evaluation, fees for your lawyer to address the issue, and maybe additional fees to the therapist if he or she needs to testify at trial. But, I feel mine was worth every penny in protection for my relationship with my daughter.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> Have you just tried to take them on your own? I took my son to counseling when I divorced his father. I never asked permission but just did it.
> 
> then he would have to pay to go to court to force you to not have them in counseling. Would he spend money on that?


OK - this is a really bad idea.

First of all, a reputable counselor will refuse to treat a child like this. Current authoritative literature says that treating kids without involvement of both parents does not help and may harm the child. You will take your kids, explain the situation, and the therapist will ask "where is the father in all this?"

At that point, you don't want to lie and say your ex is neglecting the situation, for obvious reasons.

Option B is your ex goes to the counselor and says he is there asan involved father but resents having a counselor chosen for his kids behind his back, which puts you in a bad light.

Do it the right way and through your lawyer. Document everything so that your conduct and motives are as beyond reproach as possible.


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