# Dh is sending acting strange



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Dammit I can't edit the title sorry! 

He has said he would like it of we could find things to do together other than watching movies and tv after the kids are asleep. 
I usually work on art and do some online stuff while we are watching. 

I have asked him many times what he wants to do and he can't think of anything. (no he's not trying to get more sex, that's my job). 
So we have been getting into cheese lately with wine, and I thought it would be cool to learn how to do it. He is very detail oriented and good at that kind of thing.
I showed him a bunch of links and he bought a book about it. Then he said that he didn't want to because it's too involved and takes too much work. 
So then I thought we could work out together. Since we met he has been saying he wants to start working out. 

He could probably lose fifteen pounds, it's all on his stomach. I don't need him to do this to be attracted to him but why keep saying it and don't do it? He always has an excuse. 

The other night I suggested we find a beginner workout online and do that. After kid was in bed he started pouring a glass of wine. I asked if we were going to work out and he said "but it's late, it's time to relax."

This week I decided to only watch one show on Monday. The rest of the time I've been reading and writing. He has spent every night in front of the Tv. 

What is going on? Do you think he really doesn't want to do something else? If so why is he saying that? 

I'm fine with doing art and playing games and watching tv for a few hours. He says he wants more. WTH? 

And why is he being this way about working out? We used to have a membership to the Y and he would talk about it but hardly ever wanted to go. 
When he was younger he jogged regularly with his ex. 

Should I talk to him about it or just let this go and assume he likes the status quo?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

just sounds like a bad case of procrastination. Talk to him. Maybe take the lead on it and see if he follows suit.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe he's seeking more intimacy (not sex, especially). Working out wouldn't allow conversation or holding hands. Maybe he's not looking for a hobby. Maybe he's looking for some special one-on-one time with his wife and he's not sure how to ask. The time you spend "together", the TV is on and your attention is diverted away from him and his from you. It's like two people are in the same room but they aren't there together. Maybe he'd like to go for a walk with you or a glass of wine and some couple talk. If he feels lonely, working out or making cheese isn't going to fix that.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

The hardest thing about these kind of lifestyle changes is STARTING. You could push this or lead by example but it would be better if it came from him.

Maybe eliminate the TV and have a conversation while you create. Take that creative energy and cook together since you have to prepare something any way. If you try to find 15 hours together every week, these kinds of opportunities are all around you. It seems he is asking for companionship--without knowing exactly what that looks like.

And BTW, cut up some hard cheese and have that glass of wine while you cook!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He wants "things to do TOGETHER" "After the kids are asleep". He wants meaningful time alone with his wife. Sounds like he's feeling that life just gradually took over and he misses being a couple in love. Guess we've all felt that way at some point.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I miss it too but I don't know how to get it back. I'm HD and we used to go at it like rabbits, then we moved in together and our MC told us that the sexual passion dies for a lot of couples after that. Or at least it diminishes. 
I was beyond upset when he started turning me down. It's a long story but he has an appt with a top endo in June because of low T. 
We are now at once a week, same old thing, and I am so tired of being rejected I have just decided to stop focusing on sex and trying to make him want me. 

It's extremely hard for me to feel like being intimate in other ways knowing that if I want to express it physically I'll be turned down. I guess I have been trying to turn down the thermostat and focus on me but that doesn't work either. 

I do find myself less attracted to him and less interested in sex altogether. I don't even masturbate anymore which is odd for me. 

I don't know what to do.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And now I'm just sad.
I think I'm going to go back to the MC on my own at first to talk about what is going on. We tried to get him to do Androgel but he just refused. 
He did DHEA but it gave him headaches. Over Xmas break we did it like crazy, he had a lot of time off of work so I think that helped.
I just don't know why he can't just go to a regular doctor. I don't know how to get him to see what this does to me. 
I don't want a friend and a roommate. 
I'm so beyond tired of this being an issue. It's been two years and we have only been together for three. 
I feel like I'm disengaging and I know that isn't good right? Or is it? What's the difference between that and doing a 180 or turning down the thermostat?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When he's off work, he has no problem? Maybe this is stress related. You might try just casual contact, one or two glasses of wine, maybe give him a massage or let him give you one with no (obvious) expectation of sex. If he gets relaxed enough, he might find out he's more capable of taking care of business than he thought. His problem is likely aggravated by worrying about it. You might try the stealth approach. Guys have been using it on women for thousands of years with great effect.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes and stress makes T issues worse. 
His job is getting more stressful and I'm trying to help him find a new one but there isn't much out there.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Talk talk talk!!! Have you reminded him that it was HIM that asked for extra time together? Keep it calm and neutral convo. Is there a way you can help him reduce his stress at home? 

Do you think Love Languages would help or is more strictly about his lack of a sex drive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He needs to get tested for low T. My husband finally did it and omg it was LOW.

Explains a lot. He's been on shots for 2 weeks now and I can already see a difference in his energy and mood.

He says his drive is coming up too but I haven't seen that yet. I think it's just easier and more fun now for him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

A month ago he was sick for two weeks and then I got my period. We had sex once right before I got my period. 
Wouldn't you think most guys would be horny by then?
After my period I just kind of waited for him to show any interest at all and there was none. 
I was upset after getting rejected again and he said that he knows that after a while it's going to upset me so he feels more pressure and that's a turn off so he doesn't want to. 

I told him its one of my emotional needs and I know being together, spending time together is one of his. I asked him how he would feel if I suddenly stopped spending time with him. He said we never do anything together anyway.

We are together all the time. So I started asking what he wants to do and really got no answers and here we are. 

He was tested over a year ago and had low T but refuses to do anything about it. We were in MC over six months for sex issues and now things are worse but at least he has that appointment in June. 

The good thing is I don't take it as personally as I used to and I don't angry about it. I used to be really reactive and thought it was the end of our marriage.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Mavash did he have a hard time agreeing to do the shots?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Mavash did he have a hard time agreeing to do the shots?


It was his idea.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's great! How is his libido?


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Is this something you could suggest to him without him being offended? X has NO sperm and no sex drive whatsoever...until tramp came along that is...but all that aside it was a huge issue with us but one he would never address. It was just another one of those things that "if I ignore it it'll go away" but I have a very high sex drive (well used to lol) and that wasn't going away. 

If you can talk openly about it with him and he be receptive to it, you might be on to something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

We have been over and over it, went to MC about it, and I know I handled it so poorly. So poorly. 
He's got an appointment to go to a top endo in June. I think he's afraid of the side effects and he thinks it will make him a different person. 
I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to grow and be patient and try to focus on other things. 
I have been the LD in relationships and it sucks. 
I don't understand why I only wanted it once a week with my ex but with him I could do it four times a week.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is it wrong to rub androgel on your h while he's sleeping? Lol 
I just don't get it guys. It's so unfair. I have never been this into anyone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> He's got an appointment to go to a top endo in June. I think he's afraid of the side effects and he thinks it will make him a different person.


Your husband is nuts. My husband says T shots are the best thing he's ever done.

He is right about one thing it does make you different.

It makes you happier, more energetic and hornier. Lol

What's not to like about that?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He told me that it's part of him being afraid to admit he's aging. Which I get. It's just he is very scientific and careful and if he's going to do it it has to be the best endo in the city. 
The waiting is the hardest part!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks for posting. You would think 8 years in a previous marriage would be a good way to gain experience and I would actually know something about men. 
But all I know about is crazy men. We never had true intimacy. He never wanted to be just with me, it was as if he couldn't wait to go play a video game or hang out with a friend, like I was just something to be tolerated.
And now with my dh sometimes when he just wants us to be together I don't know how to do it. I just don't.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't have anything to add about the testosterone issues, but on the spending time together after kids asleep, here are some of the things my husband and I do;

Have a bath together, sometimes with a glass of wine
Sit and talk in front of our open fire (no tv)
Play a game/computer game. Right now we are playing The Walking Dead game, adventure type games are good to play together.
Pick something interesting to cook together/at least he sits and chats while I cook
In summer, sometimes we sit in the kids' paddling pool and drink G and Ts. 

We've been together a long time, but we still like talking together, and I notice our connection definitely weakens when we go a couple of weeks without dedicated talking time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Those are great suggestions! 
I just have to vent right now I'm tired of being HD. I'm tired of him dictating when we have sex, I'm tired of the every three days predictability and never having it two days in a row or more than once a day. 
I know it sucks to be the LD one too. 
He has his endo appt June 1st and Il hoping he ends up taking testosterone.


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