# MIL/Wifey - Manipulative streak?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like wifey has gone to "homebase" for perhaps a fresh new set of instructions on "how to turn a man into a lapdog"... 

Or am I just getting it wrong? I don't know... from what I've seen of her mum, she's very malicious, self-centered and manipulative -> my father in law I've noticed is even scared of her, he seems to put on a face whenever she's in the room, and even if he's friendly to me during one instance, as soon as his wife enters... BAM, back to siding with whatever his wife says.

He's really an excellent example of a doormat...

Now my wife... whenever we get into serious fights she seems to call "homebase", lock the door, and cries "waaaah waaaah' about how bad I am to her mum etc etc... *sigh*
I've hated my mother in law for the longest time especially when she was trying to get my wife to abort our daughter just because I'm apparently "bad blood"... pffft!

Despite my hate my missus in the past completely disrespected my wishes in regards to our daughter's bday party last year... and invited her mum. I went bonkers afterwards. Fast forward to the crisis late last year everything went all out and I kicked her out of the house until she started appreciating what she had - which only took a few days, she got the message.

So things were good for 6 months until she gave me the silent treatment game which I had to poke her to get her to express herself, and wham, while trying to reassure her and make her feel better... somehow I'm back to doormat-zone. Now I'm resisting again and she's getting frustrated... and running to her mummy again... PFFFT!

Now for my mother in law sure... over time she seems to have come to accept me as her son in law, I earned her respect even if she hates my guts by being a good provider and no longer thinks of me or our daughter as bad blood. Still... when I wonder where did my wife get this manipulative demon from... it's starting to seem like my mother in law is the culprit.

How can I get her to cut contact with her? Or should I do what I'm doing? Cut off as many heads from the slippery snakes that she throws and me and hope she finally gives and goes "Ok, maybe mummy's advice is not so good?" Bah!

Funny, after the crisis last year the missus told me she's not perfect and understands why I did what I did and that I have to help her with her demons... Her bloody demon is her mum! But NOOOO! She just has to be family orientated doesn't she? Bah!

Furthermore, now I'm worried that my wife is going to raising my daughter in this same cycle, no way! Hell now I understand why my parents poisoned me against each other - yet I swore I'll never let my kid go through that... ARGH!

Sorry... long post, but I needed to vent...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Omg. I fight every day NOT to become my mother because the recent past shows I can be my mother. NOT GOOD.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ARGH... 
Hell I wish the missus could be like you in this manner.

She acknowledges her mum's flaws but damn! She has to stop calling "homebase" everytime she runs out of snakes to throw at me issed: Hell, reminds me now of the time when the missus p---ed me off and I got my little baby girl to stick up her little middle finger at mummy as she walked past. Heh, I felt bad for that... but darn it.

What to do?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If your mother in Law is THIS nasty, I am kinda surprised they even get along, you would think they would bonk heads ALOT, and I bet they DO , but right now, they are siding with each other -against YOU. Not at all good. She has an ally in her. 

Isn't her Mother a Christian? Why would she dare want an abortion, no matter how she feels about you ? Sounds you have made some ground & earned a little respect, but still. I bet back then, she faught WITH YOU, against her MOM -on wanting to be with you. Your wife will use & involve anyone she can to get what she wants. 

You know how your wife is, if you demand something, she will just push the limits to the max, puff up, resent you more, cry, do the angry silent treatment. 

I personally wouldn't try to push her out of your life totally unless she is physically dangerous to your family or a threat. I hear that you hate her, I really do. I suppose you could look at this as emotionally damaging though. Reasonable Boundaries with the Mother in Law need set I am sure, but cutting her out completely, probably not able to do it anyway, or will only last for a short time. Your wife will likely always talk to her mother, no matter how nasty & manipulative the woman is. It is just the nature of us daughters. 

They accually have a website to vent about Mother In Laws The DIL Sisterhood | A FREE, Private Community for Daughters-in-Law with Mother-in-Law Drama | By the Founder of MotherInLawHell.com 

Mother-In-Law Vent

I am sure you have seen your wife turn against her in the past, TOO much of her and even she wants her space, right ?

Let's hope some of that comes sooner than later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Her bloody demon is her mum!


No. The "bloody demon" is your wife. Yes, we can be influenced by those around us but ultimately we decide how to behave, act, etc. 

You are not being a doormat. Stop calling yoruself that. You have stood up to her and let her know it's counselling or bust. That you have a MAJOR problem with what is going down and she continues to act like a child. You haven't rolled over. Good. Keep ti taht way. Let her flail and wail like a fish out of water and onto the floor. She is used to getting her way. And she is pissed off because you aren't letting her have it. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Why would she dare want an abortion, no matter how she feels about you ?


What's this about an abortion? I missed that part of the story. 

As for getting your wife to cut off contact with her mother--no dice. MIL will always be a part of your life. You may not like her but she is always going to be around. Asking her to cut off contact with her mom is unfair, IMO.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I guess asking her to cut contact is rather impossible, I was just thinking outloud because that could have been a very easy solution. She's family orientated, that's a good and bad thing, "she's still my mum" she goes on and on about. It's a complete opposite mindset of me when I was a street kid growing up. Her mother could kill 10,000 people and she'll still say that, that's just her. 

Yes she does have a rebellious side as she's independent and individualistic in thought, but she's not one to deny her own family. 
Heh, *Christian*? to be honest her mum is more of a *Pharisee* (Wifey's term back in the day), supremist elitist intolerant fundamentalist nutcase. The missus has a tendency from time to time to fall into that trap too however, and become the very thing she despises - especially last year. Nowadays she knows inter-religious intolerance ain't something I can tolerate though since I kicked her out that time but it still seems she is trying to capitalise on whatever guns she has left - including her mum.

Seems like she's run out of ideas for manipulative tactics hence she called "homebase". She's being very self-centered really. Thanks for the links btw, can't believe there's a whole site for "Mother-In-Law Venting!" lol

I've seen the missus fight the world for me at one time, she was not only strong about it but smart, careful not to make enemies, smart enough to avoid ridiculing them directly but allowed them to ridicule themselves by their ignorance. In good times she's definitely someone I'm glad to have by my side... in bad times like now though... *sigh* To be honest... it hurts to even hate her knowing underneath all her issues she's one of a kind during the good times.

@Jellybeans

Before we got married when the missus was preggies her mum hated my guts and believed having our child will only spell disaster. After proving her the idiot she's no longer hateful in this fashion, but myself... I don't forget stuff like that along with other BS. I know what type of woman her mum is.

Anyways I'm just feeling really sad at present.

The issue is that knowing her mum, and knowing the missus "calling homebase", this manipulative streak won't end until she finally stops. And I'm worried if the missus will keep this up and pass this trait on to my daughter. *sighs*


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> The issue is that knowing her mum, and knowing the missus "calling homebase", this manipulative streak won't end until she finally stops. And I'm worried if the missus will keep this up and pass this trait on to my daughter. *sighs*


As your daughter's father, you can have a significant influence (especially while she is so young yet). Make sure that your influence is a strong positive counter-balance to the negative aspects your wife may bring. 

"_The words that a father speaks to his children in the privacy of home are not heard by the world, but, as in whispering-galleries, they are clearly heard at the end and by posterity_." ~Jean Paul Richter


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> @Jellybeans
> 
> Before we got married when the missus was preggies her mum hated my guts and believed having our child will only spell disaster. After proving her the idiot she's no longer hateful in this fashion, but myself... I don't forget stuff like that along with other BS. I know what type of woman her mum is.


So she told your wife to have an abortion? Ugh. Well ya know what--she is the one left looking like a dummy. Unfortunately we cannot change people--only the way we react to them. 

I know you are sad but try to remain positive. You are both going to MC (even if she doesn't like it) and you are standing your ground. You are taking active measures and seeking help to resolve marital concerns you have. Those are commendable things. 



RandomDude said:


> And I'm worried if the missus will keep this up and pass this trait on to my daughter. *sighs*


Like the poster above said--you do have influence over your daughter as well. I have an relative who is forever talking smack about her ex-husband (my uncle). I never heard him say a bad word about her. Guess who sounds like the looney tune?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I can see you've been on this forum for a little while, and I don't know much about your history. I'm assuming you've looked into all the manning-up stuff and it sounds like you are standing up for yourself - but not that your wife respects you enough. I recently bought a book called No More Mr Nice Guy for my brother, it sounds like it might help you too to get more respect and loyalty from wifey. 

On a seperate note, for your own 'self image' and mental outlook, why not change that avatar photo? Even in jest suggesting your wife has you on a leash will affect your attitude and self respect


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I said something about the avatar yesterday too :rofl:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's a whole big caravan of crazy you got there. I've got a MIL who's crazy and a thief, a BIL who's a drunk, another who's a convict and a crackhead, A SIL who's a drunk and thief, another who's a thief and the only time any of them even speak to each it's scream and fight. But to my wife if you ain't blood you ain't ****.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that the only way you will stay married is if she goes to marriage counseling with you, wherein you can set some ground rules of what you two do when you're having issues - and those rules do NOT include bringing her mom into the mix.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> That's a whole big caravan of crazy


:rofl:


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No. The "bloody demon" is your wife. Yes, we can be influenced by those around us but ultimately we decide how to behave, act, etc.
> 
> You are not being a doormat. Stop calling yoruself that. *You have stood up to her and let her know it's counselling or bust. That you have a MAJOR problem with what is going down and she continues to act like a child. You haven't rolled over. Good. Keep ti taht way. Let her flail and wail like a fish out of water and onto the floor. She is used to getting her way. And she is pissed off because you aren't letting her have it. *
> 
> ...


Jellybean has said it all. Don't give in. You kicked her out once, you can do it again. Manipulation only works when you allow it . 
Hang on there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks folks, I'm hanging on, but I'm very thankful for the support.

@Turnera

I'd like to try to avoid such a threatening stance again if I can avoid it, it's really last resort.

@Enchantment

I sure hope so, she's already showing signs of being a daddy's girl. But I still dread the missus' influence when it comes to this. My daughter has yet to drive me nuts yet, for some reason putting up with her "waaah waaahs" are easier then putting up with the missus' "waaah waaaaahs"

@Idun

Meh, it's too funny to take off as I can relate to it lol
I do try to be firm with her, and I have been with all other girls. I never stayed with the other girls though as they didn't challenge me... so I ended up with my wife... which is rather bitter irony!!! Because I've bitten off more then I can chew it seems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make it one instance at a time. Do you really want to do ABC? Then don't. Does it make more sense to do 123? Then do it, without worrying about having to give in to keep the peace. If you start showing that you WILL follow your instincts and morals, she'll have no choice but to start noticing.

btw, you can go to counseling without her, you know.


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