# i am not really sure how to handle



## pb5200 (Mar 3, 2014)

Hello all, I have been lurking for awhile, here is my issues. any and all advice is welcome. this will be long, sorry in advance, and there is a lot of stuff I will not include.

I have been married to my wife for 25 years, together 27 yrs.,
have three kids, one tween at home yet, throughout the years I have had a few instances that I thought that she may have strayed a little, but could never prove anything, so I never said anything just tried to keep my eyes open, of course during those years I was accused of cheating, but I never have, anyway, about 8 years ago she started to act a little different, there was a lot of problems in family with her sisters and parents, in the end, we had no contact with her 2 sisters for several years, as I turns out,they had confronted their father and mother about the childhood sexual abuse by their father, well low and behold, about four years ago my wife has a huge breakdown and we get her into therapy, after several visits she finally tells me that she too had been abused by her father,

After a lot of different things she couldn't work, got hooked on prescribed narcotics, get that cleaned up, I lose my job, we end up moving out of state, got a good job, and then bam.

I find on her phone that she has been chatting thru facebook with what I am told was an old boyfriend, I watched it for awhile, then all of a sudden, she is deleting her messages and phone calls on her phone, she had said a lot of little things along the way also, that had me thinking I was about to be replaced, I confronted her and all hell breaks loose of course, then we decide to move back home, things pretty shaky, well after a lot of back and forth, she claims she didn't realize what she was doing, of course this is after I started to talk about divorce, well after several months, I see her changing her password on yahoo one night and I see she writes it down, so I now have access to her facebook and yahoo and she doesn't know, but I check things out and I find she has made a profile on match.com, of course she says she is never married, never any children and a bunch of other lies, I have known for two months and am watching, nothing so far, but that is because we do not have the funds for her to get a subscription to match, but I am sure she will as soon as we can afford it. now we have to live in our state for a year in order to divorce, so I think I need to wait until july, and I haven't said anything yet, just trying to collect data and have both barrels loaded when the time comes. thank you!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're welcome


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pb5200 said:


> Hello all, I have been lurking for awhile, here is my issues. any and all advice is welcome. this will be long, sorry in advance, and there is a lot of stuff I will not include.
> 
> I have been married to my wife for 25 years, together 27 yrs.,
> have three kids, one tween at home yet, throughout the years I have had a few instances that I thought that she may have strayed a little, but could never prove anything, so I never said anything just tried to keep my eyes open, of course during those years I was accused of cheating, but I never have, anyway, about 8 years ago she started to act a little different, there was a lot of problems in family with her sisters and parents, in the end, we had no contact with her 2 sisters for several years, as I turns out,they had confronted their father and mother about the childhood sexual abuse by their father, well low and behold, about four years ago my wife has a huge breakdown and we get her into therapy, after several visits she finally tells me that she too had been abused by her father,
> ...


I think you're handling it just as I would to a point.

What if she never makes that Match account active and you spend a year or so watching it to no avail?
When will you mention it to her?

Are you monitoring other possible avenues for her to cheat?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

What's your tolerance level? Are you trying to find additional information to use against her for a divorce, or do you want this to stop and try to reconcile?

It sounds like she is in an emotional affair on line. Maybe she wants more, maybe she has boundary issues. 

Is she still in counseling for the childhood abuse? I hope so. I understand about the lack of funds, but maybe there's a free clinic that could provide counseling.


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## pb5200 (Mar 3, 2014)

I am monitoring all that I can, we no longer have cell phones. and due to an injury I have been home for almost seven months, so she is not stepping out for anything physical.

she is still in counseling, covered by insurance, lack of funds is due to my not working for seven months


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## pb5200 (Mar 3, 2014)

i was working on the reconcile after the first event, and she believes we still are, but after this stuff, i think i just need to get some dough and ammo together and proceed, i do not think that she is being honest with me or herself, i thought we may have had a chance but this latest with match makes me think not


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pb5200 said:


> i was working on the reconcile after the first event, and she believes we still are, but after this stuff, i think i just need to get some dough and ammo together and proceed, i do not think that she is being honest with me or herself, i thought we may have had a chance but this latest with match makes me think not


pb, you don't need any ammo if you just want out.

What you have is more than enough.

Show her the Match account and tell her you're done.

File in July


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> pb, you don't need any ammo if you just want out.
> 
> What you have is more than enough.
> 
> Show her the Match account and tell her you're done.


No need to show the match account. She already knows she's got a match account. 

Just say "I'm done". 

He doesn't have to give her a reason.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

pb5200 said:


> i do not think that she is being honest with me


I do not think so either. How much more of this will you put up with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Other than accusing you of cheating on her a few years back, has she raised issues/concerns about you in the marriage? For example, how is she taking you being injured/out of work? 

What do y'all live on? 
Are yall intimate at all? 
Did y'all go to any marriage counseling? 

25 years is a long investment --but if you've had enough, well then you've had enough.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lenzi said:


> No need to show the match account. She already knows she's got a match account.
> 
> Just say "I'm done".
> 
> He doesn't have to give her a reason.


True.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Ouch. Explain to your kids the best you can, protect yourself financially the best you can (e.g. encourage her to get working) and then file for divorce.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

YOu wife may be acting out her CSA issues through her online hijinks. This is what my wife did. Read up about sex addiction and abuse...this may help point you in the right direction.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you want I believe this is recoverable. At least it's worth the attempt after 25 years together.

Again. If you want.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Nothing on her accts she changed the passwords on?

Unless your with her 24/7, cheaters can find a way.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you had the money, then she would have joined. If she was just sitting there one day and though how she would make a profile and did it, she would have deleted it and that would have been that, but since it's still up and along with her talking with a old boyfriend, Then the minuet you get back on your feet and start back to work, IMO, let her know that you know about the profile on match.com and her talking to her old boyfriend and tell her that she's walking a real thin line and she may get her wish about wanting to be single so she needs to find a job to support herself because you have no intentions of supporting her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> YOu wife may be acting out her CSA issues through her online hijinks. This is what my wife did. Read up about sex addiction and abuse...this may help point you in the right direction.


The damage caused by childhood sex abuse is horrendous.


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