# Is there a described syndrome?



## TJW

Does anyone know a name which can be used to research the observation of the elder-male child being forced into an adult role as the "man of the family" ? And what ramifications does this have upon the child in his own adult life ?

Thanks.


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## personofinterest

I'm not sure it's a "syndrome." It used to happen a lot when the boy was a teenager, the father died, and there was a farm to run, etc.

I'm sure it has an effect, but if molestation and abuse victims and such can grow up and function normally, I would assume a man who had to step up as an adolescent can too.

Then again, the current trend of naming something to blame for our adult dysfunction is so prevalent, there may well be a name for it.


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## StillSearching

Opedipus Complex is some what related.
I think you may need to look farther into the history of the boy and not his current state of role as the "man of the family".
That may be more of a symptom of the complex or syndrome.


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## Penny905

Parentified

Parentification - Wikipedia


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification

Overview

Disadvantages and advantages
The almost inevitable byproduct of parentification is losing one's own childhood. In destructive parentification, the child in question takes on excessive responsibility in the family, without their caretaking being acknowledged and supported by others: by adopting the role of parental care-giver, the child loses their real place in the family unit and is left lonely and unsure. In extreme instances, there may be what has been called a kind of disembodiment, a narcissistic wound that threatens one's basic self-identity.


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## personofinterest

StillSearching said:


> Opedipus Complex is some what related.
> I think you may need to look farther into the history of the boy and not his current state of role as the "man of the family".
> That may be more of a symptom of the complex or syndrome.


Oedipus is when a man is unhealthily attached to his mother.

This is about a child given the adult responsibility of a household.

He doesnt have to be obsessed with mommy for that.


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## sunsetmist

Children who have been parentified often have mixed feelings. Guilt, pressure, loss and sometimes they don't get to grieve for those they might have lost--don't get to grieve for loss of their innocence or childhood. Children in really large families may have some parentification. Sometimes, because they have 'raised' a family, they don't want children of their own. Also they relate more as parent than sibling to their sibs.


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## TJW

sunsetmist said:


> Also they relate more as parent than sibling to their sibs.


And, perhaps more as parent than child to their parent ?


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## Adelais

sunsetmist said:


> Children who have been parentified often have mixed feelings. Guilt, pressure, loss and sometimes they don't get to grieve for those they might have lost--don't get to grieve for loss of their innocence or childhood. Children in really large families may have some parentification. Sometimes, because they have 'raised' a family, they don't want children of their own. Also they relate more as parent than sibling to their sibs.


I know a family of 8 (6 children) where the two oldest children were female. Neither of them married, both are in their late 40's. All their younger siblings married and had families. One older sister jokingly told me she had already raised a family and done enough laundry already for a lifetime, since her mother used to dump the clean laundry on her bed and it was her job to fold and deliver it.

I'm not against large families, but when the girls are unfairly burdened with housework and babysitting while the boys get to play I am against that situation. My husband and I taught all our children, whether male or female, to do all the different types of chores inside and outside the home. A single man will have to wash his clothes, cook for himself, or sew on a button someday. A single woman will have to check the fluids in her car, change a tire, dig a hole or mow a lawn someday.

Back to your thread topic, children of alcoholics and drug addicts often have to take on adult duties just to survive. It is a topic that is well known.


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## personofinterest

TJW said:


> And, perhaps more as parent than child to their parent ?


Definitely could be. Not to mention the weird boundary issues. 
I know a woman whose husband cheated, and she divorced. I think her son was around....10?

She basically leaned on him, confided in him, practically made him a substitute husband in a non-incestuous way.

She's been remarried for years, and her son STILL can't get along with the new hubby. Surprise, surprise! Oh, and she still favors her rude, petulant son over her hubby.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

As long as it's realized this example doesn't include any acts of unnatural relations with the mother;

almost every true rural or today called "country" family environs included a normal step, that if something happened to Dad, the oldest son and/or all sons would step up into meeting family responsibilities. 

The entire family and extended family men step up, because that's the way they were raised, to grow up as men.

I don't know a single word for it. Maybe "doing the right thing"?

This circumstance helped keep generations of families afloat, way more than today, when government not family caretaking is encouraged. 

Sadly.


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## Diana7

personofinterest said:


> Definitely could be. Not to mention the weird boundary issues.
> I know a woman whose husband cheated, and she divorced. I think her son was around....10?
> 
> She basically leaned on him, confided in him, practically made him a substitute husband in a non-incestuous way.
> 
> She's been remarried for years, and her son STILL can't get along with the new hubby. Surprise, surprise! Oh, and she still favors her rude, petulant son over her hubby.


Its emotionally incestuous. This happened to my husband from a very young age. His dad was around but the marriage was unhappy so the dad spent a lot of time in his shed and out, and his mum leaned on him(my husband) for many things. At age three, he was expected to keep a close eye on his younger brother who was ill at that time. He was told to go and check on him all the time to make sure he was still alive!!She was also far far too dependant on him emotionally as he grew up and it wasn't really till he came to the UK age about 30, that she had to let him go. It was dysfunctional. He was unwillingly her surrogate husband. 
My husband never felt close to her and once over here rarely had any contact. 

When I was a single mum of three for 6 years I always made sure that my son(the eldest) never felt he had to be the 'man of the house' and take on responsibilities that weren't his. I used to say to him, you are the child and I am the parent.
I hate it when people say to a child that they must take care of mum and the younger siblings because he is now the 'man of the house'.


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## personofinterest

Diana7 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> Definitely could be. Not to mention the weird boundary issues.
> I know a woman whose husband cheated, and she divorced. I think her son was around....10?
> 
> She basically leaned on him, confided in him, practically made him a substitute husband in a non-incestuous way.
> 
> She's been remarried for years, and her son STILL can't get along with the new hubby. Surprise, surprise! Oh, and she still favors her rude, petulant son over her hubby.
> 
> 
> 
> Its emotionally incestuous. This happened to my husband from a very young age. His dad was around but the marriage was unhappy so the dad spent a lot of time in his shed and out, and his mum leaned on him(my husband) for many things. At age three, he was expected to keep a close eye on his younger brother who was ill at that time. He was told to go and check on him all the time to make sure he was still alive!!She was also far far too dependant on him emotionally as he grew up and it wasn't really till he came to the UK age about 30, that she had to let him go. It was dysfunctional. He was unwillingly her surrogate husband.
> My husband never felt close to her and once over here rarely had any contact.
> 
> When I was a single mum of three for 6 years I always made sure that my son(the eldest) never felt he had to be the 'man of the house' and take on responsibilities that weren't his. I used to say to him, you are the child and I am the parent.
> I hate it when people say to a child that they must take care of mum and the younger siblings because he is now the 'man of the house'.
Click to expand...

Yes! There is constant tension around this woman, her son, and her current hubby. The son is jealous. And she created the dynamic.


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## Diana7

personofinterest said:


> Yes! There is constant tension around this woman, her son, and her current hubby. The son is jealous. And she created the dynamic.


Yes, and with so many broken marriages now, you often get a son living with his mum for many years and its not always healthy.


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## frusdil

Mini wife syndrome for girls, Mini Husband for boys. You see a lot of it in single parent families.


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## TheDudeLebowski

What's it's called then when your parents split when you're a toddler, dad didn't pay child support, later on your stepdad was a dead best loser emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive, and killed himself, and you just raise yourself because your mom is stuck working days and nights trying to make sure you had food on the table and a roof over your head? 

Lmao. Wonder how many isms and syndromes I fall into. Keep your labels. Just call me TheDude


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## red oak

Same here. 
All farm chores, wood splitting, carrying, watching to make sure little sisters didn't fall when they were learning to walk under threat of an ass beating, or shaken by hair of the head if they did, and buying all school supplies, clothes, shoes from time was 11yr old, and moving out at 14.........
Learning responsibility???


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