# It all comes down to .... Mattering.



## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hey, haven't posted in a while. 

Re-cap: my verbally/emotionally then physically abusive marriage is non-repairable. We are now separated....again, but this time it's legally (paperwork and all) and is final. My story is out there. It doesn't matter for purposes of this post.

He's come to alot of insights in the last month (we've been separated about 6 weeks I guess), about the mistakes he made. Knows the drinking wasn't even all of it. I made mistakes too, I know it, I don't think any one person is ever 100% at fault. But I think his drinking and abuse gives him a lion's share of the responsibility. He admits that. 

But people want to know why, if he quit drinking, I won't stay. It comes down to this: I have NEVER, in my life, mattered to anyone. I have always been useful, fun, convenient, whatever. Never been #1 to anyone - always taken for granted, and always a "take her or leave her" type of attitude. I have NEVER mattered, not to my parents when I was growing up, they were worried about themselves (dad was a drunk and mom was more worried about protecting herself from his verbal abuse than me, in fact, used me as a shield). And in NONE of my adult intimate relationships I have mattered. 

Well, I WANT TO MATTER NOW. To me first... then I want to matter to someone else. Really and truly matter without having to ask, to beg for it. Oh yeah, my STBX is NOW realizing how he effed up, and is telling me how he could have done better. How he could have made me feel like I mattered. But its too late for him. I don't want it from someone if I have to ask for it - it's not the same. I want to truly matter to someone because then that means that I really DO. And don't give me this - OH, so he had to read your mind BS. No one had to read my mind. If you really love someone and they really matter to you - they would know it. Deep down, they would know they do. 

I have NEVER felt like I mattered to anyone. I could disappear and the only thing that really bothers him is the lack of a maid, cook, *****, child care provider, etc. And know what? I did leave. He was upset at first, but he's doing just fine now. He misses the kids mostly (yes, he gets to see them, has 50/50). I never mattered. I was useful.

So, that's why. I WANT TO MATTER. And I will this time. To me FIRST. Then someone else.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

You deserve it... I hear you. HUGS....


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You deserve to be someone's treasure. You deserved to feel cherished by someone. You deserve to be the most special person in someone's life. Your soon to be ex is a jerk for treating you so badly and people who survive abuse often feel like they don't matter. I'm so happy to hear that you recognize that not only do you matter, but you deserve to be treated as such...or at least that you want to be treated as such. 

I chose to be with my WH because he made me feel like I was special, important, not just peripheral, but when he started cheating, all of that went away and the abuse (psychological and verbal, but there were threats of physical violence which could just have been distancing mechanisms, but were upsetting anyway) started to take it's place; at this point, he's the only one in my life that has ever gave me any of that sense and that's why I'm hoping we can work things out, but if I realized at some point that it was all an illusion and I wasn't special to him and wouldn't be ever again, I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. You have to recognize that you're worth something and when you realize it in yourself, it's easier to ensure that you don't allow anyone else to treat you otherwise!

I'm glad I read your post and I'm glad that you've come to this realization about what you want. You do matter and you should be treated like it, too.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

julia71 said:


> Hey, haven't posted in a while.
> 
> Re-cap: my verbally/emotionally then physically abusive marriage is non-repairable. We are now separated....again, but this time it's legally (paperwork and all) and is final. My story is out there. It doesn't matter for purposes of this post.
> 
> ...


Wow! Good for you!


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## Joodlestar (Nov 10, 2011)

That's great to hear . Its like the saying goes "i refuse to make you a priority in my life when I am just an option in yours" 

You might need to look into working through some counselling about it, if your parents brought you up where you didnt matter you may fall back into that pattern unless you make a conscious effort to break it. 

good luck xx


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

Thanks to all of you who bothered to read my little temper tamtrum here. HAHAHA! 

In response to one ... I am in IC, though my counselor retires in February and will be putting me together with a new counselor. That's ok though! I'm sure he'll find the right fit for me. My counselor knows me well. 

Right now I'm just trying to adjust to life as it is now. Still a mom, but no longer a wife. It gets lonely, I unfortunately let most friendships die because of my marriage. But, I'm getting through. I just need to make sure I don't fall back into another abusive/co-depedent relationship. That's VERY important. Right now I'm not attempting to meet anyone, so I should be alright.


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