# How do you feel connected to your spouse?



## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

Just curious, in general how do you feel connected to your spouse? I have never felt close or connected to ANYONE in my whole life.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

x2startermom said:


> Just curious, in general how do you feel connected to your spouse? I have never felt close or connected to ANYONE in my whole life.


It comes from sharing thoughts, fears, hopes, the real you with another. To do this you have to drop the walls and defenses. You have to be willing make yourself vulnerable. The other person of course has to make it safe for you to open up. That person has to be attentive and reciprocate by opening up to you. When two people do that, they have a connection. 

With my spouse we set time aside to talk about any big issues. I don't ambush him with something unexpected and through the week we do spot checks with each other to see how were doing. It's really important to find time in a busy schedule to do things with your spouse. That has been one of the single best things we've don as a couple. When you feel close to each other, it's easy to share things you might otherwise have kept to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

We reconnect by having our evening rituals.
While I cook dinner, he comes in the kitchen & we talk about our day.
We watch "Jeopardy" while we eat dinner, then he does the dishes while I get the coffee ready for the next day.
Afterward we take turns giving each other massages, he likes his back & shoulders rubbed, I like my feet rubbed.
Then we go to bed for a snuggle while we finish watching TV, which usually leads to sex, which is a win-win as far as I'm concerned.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Like Phenix70, we have our rituals that keep us connected. When there is a disconnect or we get out of sync in some way, we somehow seem to "touch-back" to each other. 

For instance, we recently had some important differing views on something that was happening with his daughter. Although I am not her parent, it was something that violated one of my deepest held values and I realized he wasn't seeing the dangers of her behavior, while he realized I was taking a more serious stance than he felt was necessary. 

I've been feeling more distant because of it, even though after I told him what I thought he verbally agreed. His behavior showed some agreement, but not complete agreement. Although I'm "ok with" his viewpoint where it is, it's still not 100% mine, and I'm not completely comfortable because of it. 

Tonight I picked up and put an item away and he said, "I would have done that." I joked around and said, "I know, but I'd rather hear you say that I'm a good wife." He said, "You're a wonderful wife and I love you." A bit later, I asked him what makes me a wonderful wife in his eyes when we've had disagreements like this where he's made a sacrifice and I haven't. He gave me a direct answer, naming several things - that I'm a good listener, level-headed, and that I understand him even when we don't agree. That helped me get back to feeling closer.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

time spent together like sex


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> It comes from sharing thoughts, fears, hopes, the real you with another. To do this you have to drop the walls and defenses. You have to be willing make yourself vulnerable. The other person of course has to make it safe for you to open up. That person has to be attentive and reciprocate by opening up to you. When two people do that, they have a connection.
> 
> With my spouse we set time aside to talk about any big issues. I don't ambush him with something unexpected and through the week we do spot checks with each other to see how were doing. It's really important to find time in a busy schedule to do things with your spouse. That has been one of the single best things we've don as a couple. When you feel close to each other, it's easy to share things you might otherwise have kept to yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
I am in total agreement with you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

x2startermom said:


> I have never felt close or connected to ANYONE in my whole life.


Perhaps it started with your family-of-origin or trauma you sustained in childhood. You may have learned that it isn't safe or good to let anyone too close.

On the other hand, as a disciple of Dr. Karen Horney (a brilliant psychiatrist in the 20th century), I agree with her hypothesis that people behave towards others in three ways:

People who move towards people;
people who move away from people; and,
people who move against people.

That is diluting her theories down into the most basic, but after studying Jung and Freud, I found Horney's theories the most believable for me.

So, you have detached people, attached people, overly-attached people, and ornery people who are just spoiling for a good fight. 

Did you have trauma while growing up that you feel could be attributable to why you do not feel connected to others, or do not have that "special" connection?


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## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

I have RARELY felt that "special" connection.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We hang out daily. We text throughout the day about stupid/lame things that our work throws at us. We game together. Right now we're on Chapter 8 of Dead Island. That game is KILLING us...no pun.

We touch each other often. We have inside jokes and love to watch stand up comedy together to laugh. We talk about the news and share opinions and objections.

We have lots of sex.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I assume you are posting here to discuss why you don't feel connected; "special" or otherwise.

Do you have any ideas why?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Writing notes and putting them in his lunch, little love notes with all my reasons for loving him. Every night I send him a text message when he goes to bed so that he has it to start his day before leaving for work at 5am..of course I do not get up with him that early..love my sleep lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Do some research on attachment issues that stem from experiences in childhood, get yourself into some individual counseling. I would almost bet you had a very hard childhood and you are dealing with that nosing your adult life. If you want to talk more, pm me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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