# Someone, anyone, help me understand



## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

How can someone claim to love you with all of their heart, yet obsess and become completely infatuated with another person? How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman? Am I wrong to call him a liar?


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

I understand where your comming from, when my wife had her affair she told me daily that she loved me and then would begin to talk to her lover, and i wonder the same thing. If she truly loved me then why did she do this to our marriage


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

How long was he having an affiar? How old are the two of you and do you have any kids together?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

He was probably compartmentalizing if he really believes this himself.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

You are not wrong, HE IS a LIAR!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You need to get away from this toxic person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> How can someone claim to love you with all of their heart, yet obsess and become completely infatuated with another person? How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman? Am I wrong to call him a liar?


Not a liar, but perhaps a broken person who needs therapy, perhaps?

Would marriage counselling help?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> How can someone claim to love you with all of their heart, yet obsess and become completely infatuated with another person? How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman? Am I wrong to call him a liar?


I don't know your story so I'll just respond to the specific question of, "How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman?"

Is it possible that he doesn't have a clear understanding of what love is? Does he somehow think romantic love is indistinct from familial love, like the love one feels for their several children, and since it can be spread evenly in the familial sense, that it must also be possible in romantic love?

*Either he doesn't understand the difference, or he is lying.*

T


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> How can someone claim to love you with all of their heart, yet obsess and become completely infatuated with another person? How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman? Am I wrong to call him a liar?


because their love for you sadly falls one half step behind their own selfishness...

Makes me wonder if they know what true love is? They certainly don't love themselves. No one in this life aspires to be the type of character a cheater becomes. Who says "I want to grow up to ruin the lives of those around me!" Those they claim to "love". Yet so many do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know what you're going through. I spent months trying to understand. Unfortunately, understanding a cheater is almost always an exercise in futility.

I do believe it's possible to love more than one person romantically at a time. It's the choosing to become involved with more than one person at a time that throws me off. 

I don't think all cheaters who say they loved their spouse while they cheated are liars. I think they're either able to compartmentalize their feelings, like some here have said happened to them, or else they don't really know what they feel and they just tell the BS that they did love them when in fact they have no clue because they're totally foggy. And of course some ARE liars.

If we choose to reconcile, the WS does need to figure this out and share it. Otherwise R is doomed to fail.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

ShatteredinAL said:


> How can someone claim to love you with all of their heart, yet obsess and become completely infatuated with another person? How can my husband expect me to believe that he has always loved me even though he spent a good chunk of our marriage pursuing another woman? Am I wrong to call him a liar?


It's possible he does love you. It might help you to do some research about compartmentalization, disassociation, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, splitting, etc.

It doesn't make it any less painful or wrong, but it can help you understand it's not you, it's them.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Shattered, 

No, in my opinion they cannot love you and cheat on you at the same time. I wrote about it here, might be of help.

Dear Chump Lady, She says she’s sorry…

Whatever "love" they claim is not a love that is good for you. It's not healthy love. Pedophiles "love" children. Cheating is not a loving act -- it's abusive and disrespectful.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Shattered,
> 
> No, in my opinion they cannot love you and cheat on you at the same time. I wrote about it here, might be of help.
> 
> ...


Your right, cheating is a selfish, non-loving, abusive act. Ouch and all strayers deserved what was said in that article. 

It's not the same as pushing someone down stairs though. I would never have done that. There may be some types of abusive cheaters who would. 

Compartmentalization, disassociation, splitting, are real and powerful. Being with someone who exhibits those issues is not healthy love and yes it needs to be addressed professionally. A person can love a wife and be bored sexually and be selfish enough to take a lover while still loving their wife. It's a selfish love, so I grant you that. I felt a warmth for my lover but was not in love with her. I rather enjoyed the type of racy sex she enjoyed and something my wife did not care for. Still makes me a selfish compulsive pig. The fact that this women was pushy about pursuing me and persistent and always willing to dish sex talk like a salty sailor is still no excuse for being a selfish pig. It is true though. I never stopped loving my wife while in the affair.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

hurthubby said:


> How long was he having an affiar? How old are the two of you and do you have any kids together?


This went on for over 2 years. We are both 31 and have 2 small boys.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

When my wife fell in love with OM stopped loving me as a husband. She coulnd't compartimentalize or fake a thing. She never tried to lie about it once I busted her. I'm sure other people can, not my wife.

Sure enough "something" (love?) was left becuase I know for sure she then fell in love with me again once the love she felt for MOM vanished as the sh1t it was.

I imagine very long term marriages suffer this withouit infidelity, fall in/out love. I mean as a noun and as a verb.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Acabado said:


> When my wife fell in love with OM stopped loving me as a husband. She coulnd't compartimentalize or fake a thing. She never tried to lie about it once I busted her. I'm sure other people can, not my wife.
> 
> Sure enough "something" (love?) was left becuase I know for sure she then fell in love with me again once the love she felt for MOM vanished as the sh1t it was.
> 
> I imagine very long term marriages suffer this withouit infidelity, fall in/out love. I mean as a noun and as a verb.


I have heard it may be emotional separation/disconnection. My stbeh says he went through that and once he disconnected over there and realized what he did and lost, it all came back. No idea what to think or believe, just sharing a cheaters answer.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

I can understand how feelings might dull a little after a few years. You start taking each other for granted. It just seems that as my love matured and grew deeper, he wanted the new and exciting rush of a different relationship. It doesn't give me much hope at all for the future no matter how remorseful he seems.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Shattered, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. My prayers are with you. While I can intellectually understand the concept of compartmentalization which would allow a spouse to love two people, I cannot grasp that emotionally. The one question I never asked my wife was, "Did you love him?" Had she answered in the affirmative, I would have walked away and never looked back. So, in the interest of my family, I swallowed that bitter question, and let it be.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Another cheater from the compartmentalization camp here. It's been addressed pretty thoroughly so there's not much to add.

Shattered I will say that the future is not necessarily hopeless. As weird as it sounds and believe it or not the emotions my EA stirred in me I expressed to my wife while my EA was ongoing and have continued to since D day. I showed her more affection and felt a more romantic connection to her - despite the fact that I was neck deep in an EA. I know that sounds impossible and my wife still looks at me like I'm FOS (full of sh!t) when I say it, but it's the truth. The only way I can explain it is that my EA brought back to the surface feelings and needs that my wife and I had shared and met in the past and had fallen by the wayside as we had kids and so on. I didn't realize I missed them (and neither did my wife) until my EA re awoke them. Do I wish I could have figured all of this out and reestablished the connection we have today without a trip through infidelity? ABSOLUTELY!!! But it did help us to recognize that without realizing it we had been taking each other fore granted for several years and to refocus on why we got married in the first place.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Another cheater from the compartmentalization camp here. It's been addressed pretty thoroughly so there's not much to add.
> 
> Shattered I will say that the future is not necessarily hopeless. As weird as it sounds and believe it or not the emotions my EA stirred in me I expressed to my wife while my EA was ongoing and have continued to since D day. I showed her more affection and felt a more romantic connection to her - despite the fact that I was neck deep in an EA. I know that sounds impossible and my wife still looks at me like I'm FOS (full of sh!t) when I say it, but it's the truth. The only way I can explain it is that my EA brought back to the surface feelings and needs that my wife and I had shared and met in the past and had fallen by the wayside as we had kids and so on. I didn't realize I missed them (and neither did my wife) until my EA re awoke them. Do I wish I could have figured all of this out and reestablished the connection we have today without a trip through infidelity? ABSOLUTELY!!! But it did help us to recognize that without realizing it we had been taking each other fore granted for several years and to refocus on why we got married in the first place.


I do appreciate your honesty. I know we all do. I think to me though it would feel like he was being rewarded for betraying his family and putting his wife into such a deep depression it feels there's no way out of it. I'm afraid if the words "it was worth it". I've been through emotional hell. I'll never feel that it was worth it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I fully understand that the outcome (still in progress) that my wife and I have is unfortunately far more the exception than the rule. Both people have to really want it and even then it's far from certain. My wife will almost say "it was worth it" - almost. 

I also fully understand what an amazing woman I am married to and how fortunate I am. The way she had treated me through this and the strength she has are almost unfathomable. 

Best of luck - Shattered. I hope for you that you achieve the outcome best for you - whatever that may be.


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