# A Good Marriage Part Two- Apologies included!



## Kitt

Since I completely thread jacked my own thread and was unpardonably rude to @technovelist (my apologies, you were right, I completely misread your post) , I wanted to go back to what makes a marriage good. I swear I must have been in a horrid mood that morning I posted In a couple of threads where I was an ass....I'm usually kinder than I have been here. Honest! :grin2:
Obviously communication is a big thing. Most of us who have been married for a while know that communication is tricky because as women and men or even same sex couples, we are all different as human beings. Opposites attract and all that...what have been some of your biggest hurdles in this area?
I know for me....I sometimes hear what I most fear instead of what he is saying. For example....I was abandoned as a child so everything he says sounds like he is abandoning me when he is upset with me. Plenty of therapy and learning how to deal with some of my childhood issues have helped tremendously. He is very patient with me and I'm learning to accept that not all people leave. There are scores of stories like this from longer term marrieds....maybe it would be helpful if we shared. Also, I apologize to everyone I offended by being an ass on my other thread and thank @Ele for closing it.


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## SimplyAmorous

Kitt said:


> Since I completely thread jacked my own thread and was unpardonably rude to @technovelist (my apologies, you were right, I completely misread your post) , I wanted to go back to what makes a marriage good. I swear I must have been in a horrid mood that morning I posted In a couple of threads where I was an ass....I'm usually kinder than I have been here. Honest! :grin2:


 when someone admits a bad moment and apologizes... (we all have 'em!)... I always think higher of them.. being self aware /some humility is a huge asset in relationships/ in marriage .. it's not a weakness but a strength.. it seeks to "understand" another , make amends.....A life saver really.. 

I am not meaning about the thread.. in general is all.. 

I am a women who can get out of hand if I don't watch my mouth..a little too blatant for my own good....(I certainly have to watch my keyboard on this forum).. what saves me is...I am very HUMBLE when I fu** up... I have a NEED to apologize & make it right when I hurt someone unnecessarily ... or my conscience is *very* bothered... I need my peace back if I had a hand in the falling out...if they continue to reject me.. I can live with that.. but not if I am the one who forked it.... This certainly helps my husband put up with me...may I add "happily"... 

Good for you Kitt- Welcome back! :smile2:


> Obviously communication is a big thing. Most of us who have been married for a while know that communication is tricky because as women and men or even same sex couples, we are all different as human beings. Opposites attract and all that...what have been some of your biggest hurdles in this area?


 Myself & Husband are pretty opposite in temperament.... He's more quiet / introverted, I am more outgoing / assertive.... Our issues are so very small.. If we have a fight and I try to stay away from him.. I can't even do it.. . I'll slam a door in a moment , go downstairs.. I'm so miserable.. I can't stay away.. I will march back up there.. crack open the door.. .. he'll get a corner of a smile.. I'll tell him (talk about humble here) .. that I am so pathetic, I can't even stay away from him.. (ha ha ) and then we talk... we lay there talking for however long it takes to air things out.. generally we learn something from each little scuffle.. some new insight.. it brings us closer.. I really do care that he is happy.. if he isn't happy. I can't be happy.. he has the same attitude... I couldn't ask for more than that.. 

I think I have fought more with him over my insatiable sex drive during that spell than anything in our marriage...I was disturbed that my drive was HIGHER over his...I would have these meltdowns that "OMG my husbands doesn't desire me anymore".. I was making a mountain out of a molehill...I had to work through this.. with my hormones raging..I started to keep a calendar.. I noticed a pattern...that I was getting out of hand - like clockwork days before my "monthly".....so the hormones for PMS was Upped TOO !!..

I needed more tender loving care & even more to feel his desire during that time or I might get MAD.. Poor man! It took me a while to get it through my thick skull that ...even if I was higher drive.. he welcomed my coming on to him.. he was enjoying being chased..especially after years of wanting more sex.. He welcomed me to get him aroused.. Just like I said above.. again.. I really couldn't have asked for more... 



> I know for me....I sometimes hear what I most fear instead of what he is saying. For example....I was abandoned as a child so everything he says sounds like he is abandoning me when he is upset with me. Plenty of therapy and learning how to deal with some of my childhood issues have helped tremendously. He is very patient with me and I'm learning to accept that not all people leave. There are scores of stories like this from longer term marrieds....maybe it would be helpful if we shared. Also, I apologize to everyone I offended by being an ass on my other thread and thank @Ele for closing it.


Kitt.. I think I had some abandonment issues when I was younger.. due to my mother leaving me before age 10.. and not really feeling wanted at home so much.. (I had a Grandma next door & a close friend & her family to help me feel wanted, accepted , this sure helped!)..

The boy I liked when I met my husband liked my GF over me.... so when I met my husband shortly after .... I braced myself for when he met her....thinking he's surely going to want her over me... like the last guy.. I even tried to test it.. I was very open with him though.. even coming out asking him.. telling him about the last guy.... I was always a little unfiltered.. it was great to hear him try to convince me.. "Was I crazy".. no he had no interest in my friend... Learn from one who "thinks too much" sometimes.. I can be a little pessimist ... it's always something to smile about when we have it all wrong!


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## tech-novelist

Kitt said:


> Since I completely thread jacked my own thread and was unpardonably rude to @technovelist (my apologies, you were right, I completely misread your post) , I wanted to go back to what makes a marriage good. I swear I must have been in a horrid mood that morning I posted In a couple of threads where I was an ass....I'm usually kinder than I have been here. Honest! :grin2:
> Obviously communication is a big thing. Most of us who have been married for a while know that communication is tricky because as women and men or even same sex couples, we are all different as human beings. Opposites attract and all that...what have been some of your biggest hurdles in this area?
> I know for me....I sometimes hear what I most fear instead of what he is saying. For example....I was abandoned as a child so everything he says sounds like he is abandoning me when he is upset with me. Plenty of therapy and learning how to deal with some of my childhood issues have helped tremendously. He is very patient with me and I'm learning to accept that not all people leave. There are scores of stories like this from longer term marrieds....maybe it would be helpful if we shared. Also, I apologize to everyone I offended by being an ass on my other thread and thank @Ele for closing it.


Thanks. Apology accepted.


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## Kitt

SimplyAmorous said:


> when someone admits a bad moment and apologizes... (we all have 'em!)... I always think higher of them.. being self aware /some humility is a huge asset in relationships/ in marriage .. it's not a weakness but a strength.. it seeks to "understand" another , make amends.....A life saver really..
> 
> I am not meaning about the thread.. in general is all..
> 
> I am a women who can get out of hand if I don't watch my mouth..a little too blatant for my own good....(I certainly have to watch my keyboard on this forum).. what saves me is...I am very HUMBLE when I fu** up... I have a NEED to apologize & make it right when I hurt someone unnecessarily ... or my conscience is *very* bothered... I need my peace back if I had a hand in the falling out...if they continue to reject me.. I can live with that.. but not if I am the one who forked it.... This certainly helps my husband put up with me...may I add "happily"...
> 
> Good for you Kitt- Welcome back! :smile2:
> Myself & Husband are pretty opposite in temperament.... He's more quiet / introverted, I am more outgoing / assertive.... Our issues are so very small.. If we have a fight and I try to stay away from him.. I can't even do it.. . I'll slam a door in a moment , go downstairs.. I'm so miserable.. I can't stay away.. I will march back up there.. crack open the door.. .. he'll get a corner of a smile.. I'll tell him (talk about humble here) .. that I am so pathetic, I can't even stay away from him.. (ha ha ) and then we talk... we lay there talking for however long it takes to air things out.. generally we learn something from each little scuffle.. some new insight.. it brings us closer.. I really do care that he is happy.. if he isn't happy. I can't be happy.. he has the same attitude... I couldn't ask for more than that..
> 
> I think I have fought more with him over my insatiable sex drive during that spell than anything in our marriage...I was disturbed that my drive was HIGHER over his...I would have these meltdowns that "OMG my husbands doesn't desire me anymore".. I was making a mountain out of a molehill...I had to work through this.. with my hormones raging..I started to keep a calendar.. I noticed a pattern...that I was getting out of hand - like clockwork days before my "monthly".....so the hormones for PMS was Upped TOO !!..
> 
> I needed more tender loving care & even more to feel his desire during that time or I might get MAD.. Poor man! It took me a while to get it through my thick skull that ...even if I was higher drive.. he welcomed my coming on to him.. he was enjoying being chased..especially after years of wanting more sex.. He welcomed me to get him aroused.. Just like I said above.. again.. I really couldn't have asked for more...
> 
> 
> 
> Kitt.. I think I had some abandonment issues when I was younger.. due to my mother leaving me before age 10.. and not really feeling wanted at home so much.. (I had a Grandma next door & a close friend & her family to help me feel wanted, accepted , this sure helped!)..
> 
> The boy I liked when I met my husband liked my GF over me.... so when I met my husband shortly after .... I braced myself for when he met her....thinking he's surely going to want her over me... like the last guy.. I even tried to test it.. I was very open with him though.. even coming out asking him.. telling him about the last guy.... I was always a little unfiltered.. it was great to hear him try to convince me.. "Was I crazy".. no he had no interest in my friend... Learn from one who "thinks too much" sometimes.. I can be a little pessimist ... it's always something to smile about when we have it all wrong!



Thank you, SA. What a lovely post....And yes, I was in a mood and shouldn't have typed anything at all. Thanks for acceptance of my apology. It means so much. 

I loved what you said about your feelings being hurt because you perceived rejection for sex very differently from what your husband intended. I know that for me, I have learned how to filter perception because my worldview is quite different than my husband's. It sounds as though you and your husband have a strong friendship and commitment. 

My husband and I have this saying...would I rather be right or happy? This makes us think about what we are doing in an argument.....and to reflect on whether our stance is due to to anything other than ego and the desire to get our way. He will go back outside after we argue and vent and rage and ultimately say "time out" because we are too angry for further discussion, and come through the door again and say, "honey I'm home." :grin2: Then I will run to him and jump in his arms because by then I'm all sad that we said hurtful things and he knows the discussion has to be tabled for us to reconnect emotionally. Usually this ends with lovemaking and then a gentle discussion in bed where we actually talk about the problems like adults and come to some conclusion. I cannot sleep if he is angry at me and he knows this so things get resolved. 
I went on a work related trip once where we didn't speak for three days and it was one of the worst times of my life. I swore then that we wouldn't let the sun go down on us being angry...even if things weren't resolved, we were going to treat each other as somebody that the other loves.


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