# How to Conquer Selfishness and Insecurity?



## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

My relationship is suddenly very rocky and I am trying desperately to figure out how to make things better. I have spent lots of time blaming my husband for being selfish, immature, unwilling to meet my needs, and unwilling to communicate. He has become more and more distant and absorbed in his own fantasy world including video games, porn, and pot and I have grown more and more resentful of his behavior and apparent lack of concern for my wishes and needs. 

I have problems with insecurity and his behavior is intensifying it, making me act like a crazy, selfish person. In my desperation for affection I have been trying to force him to spend time with me (if only a half hour in bed before he falls asleep), find myself begging him to "let" me pleasure him, monitoring his online activity and nagging him constantly about the time he's devoting to himself and the money he's spending on bad habits.

After much reflection and research, I determined that he wasn't the only selfish one. I need to learn how to be secure and happy with or without him and stop demanding things of him, acting like his personal time and hobbies are meaningless, forcing myself on him sexually, and trying to catch him in lies.

For a little background info...my husband has been jobless since last year and seems to have no interest in finding one. I am the main provider and he spends a lot of time caring for our daughter and the house. I understand that lots of times a man's sex drive is dependent on their job satisfaction so I'm trying really hard to be understanding. But when he has enough drive to masturbate to women online every day but doesn't want sex with me, it makes me feel undesired and hurt. I also know that he could be secretly depressed and that is why he's retreating into this fantasy world. I am trying very hard to be understanding of reasons for his behavior and fix myself in an attempt to help him feel better about himself and exhibit more positive behaviors.

But what does a person facing extreme insecurity do when their partner is constantly reinforcing these insecurities? I have to initiate sex and he rejects me probably 5/6 of the time. He spends countless hours playing video games, making music, chatting on Facebook, etc while I sit there with our daughter in the other room. He has no problem spending money on his bad habits knowing that he is bringing very little income to the table and he has a family while I scrutinize over every penny I spend.

My resent has grown to its boiling point and though I'm trying to fix myself first, it's not having any impact. Yesterday, I decided to not nag him and let him do his thing. What did he do? Ate the dinner I cooked for him after working all day in front of the TV, in between pauses in his video game, and then proceeded to play for another SIX hours straight while I handled our daughter's night time routine and went to bed alone. Today I decided to reward the 4 days he went without smoking pot by pre-ordering him the new game he wants (in an attempt to reward positive behavior and show him that I encourage and support his hobbies) and then he complained about the store I pre-ordered it from and then made me spend my own money to put minutes on his phone so he could call his pot dealer and leave to go there. 

I know that my insecure behavior is encouraging his bad behavior...but trying to figure out how much of this is me, how much is being caused by his own feelings of inadequacy and depression and how much is just HIM is extremely difficult. I know that if we're not both able to become secure, giving, happy individuals, this is never going to work. I'm willing to work on myself but I'm worried that he'll never be willing to do the same. 

Any advice? 

Sorry, this post kind of bounced around but hopefully I provided enough info to understand the situation. Thanks in advance for any words of advice.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

_I'm willing to work on myself but I'm worried that he'll never be willing to do the same. _

I'm sorry you are feeling so very responsible for him, but do you realise you are not? Your only job here is to take care of yourself and your daughter.

Get thee self to counselling. Quickly. Look online. Read, read, read.

Everything you need in life to be happy... is inside of you. You probably even need to get some space away from him to get better.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to get your self esteem back on track. Once you do that... take a look around you. You will probably find yourself laughing at why you would worry about how your H feels. Trust me.


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## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

I can't wait to get to that point! It's just so hard to build yourself up when your partner's behavior is breaking you down every step of the way. There are (or at least were) positive things in our relationship and I don't want to just give up on it...but I need to first make myself feel like I'll be fine whether it does work out or whether it doesn't. Thx!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes! Make yourself fine first.
I once read something that always stuck with me. It has to do with self esteem. Short version:

If someone accused you of something you know you didn't do... like rob a bank (!) you would fight hard to prove them wrong. Because you know it isn't true. You will prove it. 100%. You will prove it isn't true.

But when someone tells you "you are worthless", you let yourself believe it! 

Really? Can your prove that it is true? 100%. If not, then it is just their *opinion, not a fact. 
What are the facts?
Everything you need in life to be happy is inside you. It always has been. It is not damaged, and can never be. It cannot be broken. It is just covered up with opinions that you let yourself believe. 

So... ask yourself this. Is it a fact or an opinion? If it's an opinion, toss it! 

You are capable of being everything you want, and how someone else behaves has no effect on what kind of person you are. You are just allowing yourself to believe that. For now. Stick to the facts. Write them down.*


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## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

Thanks a lot, that's awesome advice


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

I can certainly see why you are resentful. You go to work everyday and your husband is not looking for a job, but instead plays video games and masturbates to porn. It's no wonder he does not want sex when he gets his pleasure elsewhere, cyber world that isn't even real. Take care of you and your daughter and if he isn't living up to what a good husband should be, then my advice is to get out. It's not all your fault. Yeah, you need to become aware of your insecurities, but in my opinion, some of your concerns are valid--sorry...


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