# separated but confused



## ala99 (Jun 2, 2013)

I am loooking for advice on my current relation with my ex.

Quick recap: last december, she says we need to work on our relation, early says we are done i dont love you anymore, i was devastated. She bought a condo a couple of weeks later and moved out last month. 

She had been, for at least 2 years, getting more and more frustrated with her job, the kids and me. She just wanted to be out of the house. Everybody as felt her anger and it was tough. She turned 40 this year.

She had a stresful time at work and was finishing a masters degree part-time.

I happened to see her a couple of times crying, and when i asked why she told me that she felt like she was going crazy. She has had some health issues that would not react to medication. Also both her grandparents died in the last 3 years.

After she movedout i asked her how she felt when were living together, she said that she felt unloved, alone and that she was slowly dying! When i asked about her saying she did not love me, she sais she did no what else to tell me.

It looks like she might be having a midlife crisis but there is something weird in her behaviour: she is feeling depressed alot of the time and trying to talk about any emotions makes her cry. Says that she is crashing! I am unable to talk about us because it pushes her away.

But this is nothing, she insists on seeing me and she wants me in her life. We have started to plan activities every week in secret, nobody must know (we have 2 kids). We have been having a lot of fun together and enjoying each others company but i can not talk about our relationship, she likes it the way it is now, no stress, nothing from the past. Even weirder, she as been more physical latelly and on our last activity, our bodies were touching for at least an hour.

I can flirt with her and she shows me signs that she likes it but when i try to kiss her or be intimate, she says no and usually starts to cry? What is going on with her? She wants us to hangout together and says that she really enjoys herself. 

I have asked on numerous occasions if she had an affair and she said NO?

Any advice would help on how to proceed? We are getting closer and closer but i do not want to put any pressure on her because it backfired in the past. On the other hand, i do not want to miss my chance.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

..Therapy....

Stop making advances. As much as you want to be intimate you don't need to add more to the issues you have. 

I really think she is checking out. My ex did the same thing while we were trying to Reconcile. Pull away from all physical activity even kissing. She was checking out and now we are getting divorced.

Sorry to have to say that. I have been dealing with that for the past 11 months


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Ala, your wife needs therapy and possibly anti-depressants. All the stress of working, studying, being a wife and mother, losing her grandparents have taken a huge toll and she needs help. 

Don’t give up on her. While it sounds on the surface like she is cake-eating, I don’t believe that is the case. The fact that, even in her confused mental state, she wants to spend time with you is a good sign. She has not reached rock bottom in her depression. Give her what she needs, but don’t push it. Follow her lead. Try to get her to talk to her doctor. She needs help and she needs it now.

Good luck.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

I actually agree with Jason. I can't say for sure, but it sounds like she is really confused about what she wants and is testing the waters again with you. I would not say give up, necessarily, since it sounds like the marriage is important to you.

However, like Jason, my wife did nearly the same thing to me, so when she left for good - it made it even more difficult for me. Be cautious and make sure you are in a position to be okay, even if she finally calls it quits. I think I will probably post that on this board over and over and over because it ALWAYS applies. Take care of yourself and suggest that she take care of herself - that might mean counseling, meds or whatever, but neither of you can be complete in marriage if you are not complete yourselves. If someone would have told me that 15 years ago, I would not be in the situation I am in today. Good luck, my friend ~


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Depression and burn out. Be a friend to her, even if the marriage doesn't work out, there is no point being bitter enemies. 
Have you asked her gently if she has seen a doctor? Tell her you worry about her crying spells, and don't like to see her so down.
Untreated depression has ruined many marriages.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Is it possible she's missing security, comfort, and a stable life and see you as that?


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Ala, I am new here, so offering advice is still new to me. We both find ourselves on the opposite side of the one we love. But I think your wife is transferring her happiness and contentment with her life all on you. You do no want that responsibility, because as soon as something happens that causes her pain, she may blame you. I am not certain. But her behavior seems somewhat co-dependent. I am trying to use my words carefully here, so I apologize if it offensive.


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