# Any long term couples rocked by Infidelity???



## this is bad

Just want to get some input.

Some may now my situation. I've posted in Coping with Infidelity.

We've been married for 18yrs. And I've been rocked by infidelity by my WW close to 2mths ago. Something I thought could or would ever happen. We've been close for all this time, or so I thought. 

We've done all of the following together.
Church with family
Church marriage group, meetings every Weds and many retreats. But haven't attended in over a year.
Rebuild our house.
Excersice.
Vacation with family.
Vacation w/o kids.
Hang out round the house.
Go out to movie w/o kids.
Wash the car.
Kids homework.
Parent teacher meeting.
Going to church started to die off. We stopped going for about 1.5 year. Could be part of the problem

So on.....


I would do the following.
Surprise flowers. 
Send texts throughout the day. 
Calls throughout the day. 
Say nice things all the time. 
Adopt a child with special needs.
Surprise with breakfast and lunch to work once in a while.

After all that, EA with a distance relative. Perhaps for those months I was not providing the emotions she needed. Something she new would never work out continued anyways. She calls him a snake that manipulated her emotions and she let it happen. She also said it was nothing that I did wrong.

Told me everything when I asked the first time.

Perhaps I was too nice. Who knows.

So for those long term. 

What's your secret?


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## LovesHerMan

Boundaries. Awareness that anyone can have an EA under the right conditions. It sounds like you were a wonderful husband, and you did not do anything wrong. Your wife probably liked the attention, and she did not realize what was happening until it was too late.


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## nice777guy

My wife's adventures began around the 15 year mark. Our divorce will likely be final shortly after the 17 year mark - in early January.

It happens quite a bit around here.


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## 827Aug

My Peter Pan husband began a mid-life crisis from Hell at our 20 year mark. We had everything--health, wealth, family, etc. But, he still wasn't happy. He found fulfillment from spoiling 20 year old "girls". Our 25th anniversary was a few weeks ago and the divorce still isn't final.


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## SoloNole

Just had it happen to me. W of 16 years decided she isn't 100% happy (God forbid we keep working on something as important as our family together). She had EA and is now seeing another guy I think. After all our years and two kids. What a heart break this has been. Divorce procedures begin soon. It sounds like you really went the extra mile in your relationship; i regret i can't say the same. Sorry for your situation.

EA with a distant relative??


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## this is bad

Sad to say.. 2nd cuz.... This person came into the picture about 2yrs ago, maybe more via FB. It wasn't until this year that things go juicy.

I never thought in a million years this could happen. Even she says, she never thought this could happen. 

It was his sad stories of loneliness that got to her. Sending her sad music video with lyrics. Those messages over time got to her. Also some texting. Hardly ever talk by phone. That's were the emotional part came in. We were still doing our everyday things together.

Then she got into the fog-fantasy were everything seemed real. The maybe she could be the person to provide him with the happiness he needed. She completely forgot about what she had and focused on the OM instead. How crazy is that.

She indicates this would have never happened with someone else. Her and I were tight, close. 

I let me guard down. If I would have been more interested at that time, what she was up to. This would probably never happen.


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## OhGeesh

To the OP I don't think you did anything wrong. Best of luck!!


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## hiyouitisme

I agree with ohGeesh! Usually when a person cheats it has very little to do with the person they are cheating on, and more to do with how they are feeling about themselves! Chin up!


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## sammy3

28 years here...5 months out... trying to work things out... very , very difficult...dont think we will make it.

~sammy


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## why not me

I found out about my WW 1 month after our 15 year anniversary, also her 40th B-day. We are both trying to rebuild, but it is very hard. If we did not have all our history together, not sure we would be making it, or if I would even try. We both have been on a crusade to warn all our like-age friends, do not think that just because you said vows to each other that faithfulness is a given. It has to be worked on everyday and guarded. We have seen people who have a great relationship can get complacent with each others needs, and there is always someone outside the marriage willing to meet them. And that person doesn't have to be the typical AP, in my case it was our best friend and a leader of our church. I also try to warn them to take midlife crisis seriously, both for men and women!


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## 2yearsince

Sameboat, not uncommon from what I read. We were at our 15 year mark when she had EA. I knew things were not great before but I also never ever thought that would happen. I figured if anyone would screw up it'd be me (never came close but I have to go away for work often for weeks at a time). Sucks, 2 years later the feelings I thought I was over resurfaced and made me take a long look at things besides the EA. I know she's not relapsed but the issues she said shed work on are back. Might have brought it all up alot sooner but her Dad passed aways suddenly a year ago.


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## DanF

We went through it at about the 25 year mark.
We work hard at reconciliation and are now as happy as newlyweds. You can do it if both of you are willing to work very hard at it.

See my story below.


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## HerToo

30 years, and I had the EA. I will never feel the same again about myself. All that I took pride in being was flushed down by me. Wife forgave me, and we are working on it.


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## SimplyAmorous

It all starts with a lack of honest heartfelt vulnerable communication to what she was lacking in the relationship, only she can tell you this outright, or her honesty in coming to you and saying ..."Whoa...I need to talk to you, I am starting to have feelings for someone". Few people are THIS honest with each other, but what a shame that is --if they would be this open & honest from the very beginning, it would save a tremendous amount of heartache. 

....And to NEVER keep secrets with our spouses, this helps us be accountable in all things. Good thread on this here - if you are starting to rebuild -read this together http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

When I had my so called "Mid Life Crisis", I would have went stark raving mad if my husband was too religious, if I felt I could not talk to him about some of my more fleshly desires -lest he judge me & call me sinful. Just being honest, I had enough of that in our past, and I wanted some new freedom and some new FUN, even some porn, -but we did it all together and had a blast - it enhanced many things for us. 

That doesn't sound like your issues, so ignore me totally, sounds like she got caught up in some kind of an emotional entanglement & it started with FB messages, so much of this on here.. unfortunately.


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## 'hege

I have been married to the same great girl for over 28 years, and yes, our marriage has been "rocked" by infidelity, on both sides, one more of a "revenge" affair, I suppose...but it is now more than 10 years in our past, and we have found ways to nuture both our trust and the relationship over time, and believe that we believe that we made the right decision.
Anyhow, we decided that we would work through it. The key word was the "WE" decided to move forward. Although the shame was great on both our parts, and there were great wounds opened, we managed to heal our relationship and I believe that we are stronger for it.
We saw a counselor for about 6 months during the process of putting it back together, and in the end, we both realized that we both shared fault. Given that, it was an easier decision on both our parts to work it out. It wasn't that I stopped loving her, or her me, but that we both forgot how to love the other person in the way that they wanted to be loved. We literally did the cliche thing and "took each other for granted". That led to someone playing on my wife's emotional and physical needs, and someone doing the same to me.
We maintained a great sex life during the rough times, (and still do) but the emotions were not there, on either side. It was just physicality. We discovered each others infidelity (believe it or not) when "talking dirty" while we were being physical. After the shock wore off, and I was not as angry, I realized that I loved my wife deeply, and did not want to lose her to anyone, even on just a physical or emotional level. That was what I had to convince her of, that her and her emotional well being were paramount in my life, and not just lip service. 
You have to live a loving life, not just talk about it. It takes work to recover, and you really have to want to do so. You must decide that you want your wife because you love her and cherish her, not because you simply don't want someone else to have her. Same goes both ways.
One side effect after these years, is that I get a huge "rise" when she sometimes describes her little pecadillo's in some detail to me. I am so proud of her, and I know the guy who she had the affair with got a taste of the finest wine in the world, and won't have it again. Ever. All mine, and I take great efforts to show her how much I really need her. Every day at least once. She does the same for me, one lucky guy!


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## mommy2

Yes, found out about my H's A right after our 14 yr anniversary. We had grown apart, lost intimacy, etc. We reconciled and have been living happily married ever since. It's just been 2 yrs since D-day. Still hard for me and have issues now and again but don't regret staying in the marriage and making it work.


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## bellamaxjoy

Yup, 26 years this year, and he had a huge mid life crisis. It is better now, and thankfully he cut off the EA quickly., and we are working hard. He is in counseling as well, we did marriage counseling, but he needs it right now to figure out his deppression issues that led to this.


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## InRecoveryInNC

14 months since Dday and some days are definitely better than others.. Here of late, we are having more bad days. We have been together 28 years, married 26.

I am not sure how much longer I can keep trying to get this to work... I am emotionally exhausted.


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## HerToo

30 years. 3 months since d-day. Emotions all over the map. Just now trying to make a decision on the rest of my life, and how it will impact her.


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## InRecoveryInNC

There are days where it seems as though everything is going to be ok. But when he gets to where he projects a lack of caring or that he is only concerned about how he is feeling, then I have to wonder.

I know the change in his antidepressants has some effect and things seemed a lot better before they switched him to another one but the side effect of low libido had him wanting to try another med.

He is at the doctor today requesting to be put back on the old meds, only after the fact does he realize how hurtful his words can be. He never apologizes because he believes he is still right.

However, his demeanor has both of our daughters (college age) pulling away from him. They do not know about his infidelity.

As a matter of fact NO ONE does (except the OW)! I am carrying this burden alone, and I think that may be one reason I feel so emotionally drained.


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## ishe?

I'm two weeks out from dd, wh and I have been together 10 years. I'm only 30  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fiifreally

Divorce procedures begin soon. It sounds like you really went the extra mile in your relationship; i regret i can't say the same. Sorry for your situation.


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