# W in complete control of finances



## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

We bring home similar income. W handles bills because thats just her thing. (in her head. She is a financial major)

It started with big things, selling my last project car and motorcycle. Using the money for our new bills together. Then when I was ready to get another project, we cant. Now its on to the small things. Everytime I swipe the card, coffee, lunch, etc. I get a text or call asking what I spent it on. But when she does something, she does whatever she wants. The difference is I dont care. Thats what we make it for. I dont question her spending. And we are not hurting. 

How do I regain some power in this situation, or control if you will. Should we open seperate accounts? Should I take over handling the finances?

I know some of you have been here, what to do? I know you may see some other underlying problems in what I have written. Control, etc. I have posted about that in another forum on this board.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Take ALL the emotion out of it. Each of you gets an exactly equal discretionary allowance that can be spent with no questions asked. And let her set the amount. Seriously. I would do that if this was happening. 

But the rest ALL stays totally transparent to both of you. And if she wants to up the amount she can - for both of you. 

That makes it all 50/50. If she does not agree to this DEMAND MC. The beauty of MC is that it pulls in a fair - objective 3rd party. 

And NO cheating at the grocery store. Food is food - tampons and shampoo - all come from the joint account. 

The toughest area may end up being clothes/jewelry/makeup. She could try to general fund a lot of expensive stuff like that claiming it is needed for work. Just pay attention to that and make her set a budget and justify it. 




wheretogofromhere said:


> We bring home similar income. W handles bills because thats just her thing. (in her head. She is a financial major)
> 
> It started with big things, selling my last project car and motorcycle. Using the money for our new bills together. Then when I was ready to get another project, we cant. Now its on to the small things. Everytime I swipe the card, coffee, lunch, etc. I get a text or call asking what I spent it on. But when she does something, she does whatever she wants. The difference is I dont care. Thats what we make it for. I dont question her spending. And we are not hurting.
> 
> ...


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

wheretogofromhere said:


> We bring home similar income. W handles bills because thats just her thing. (in her head. She is a financial major)
> 
> It started with big things, selling my last project car and motorcycle. Using the money for our new bills together. Then when I was ready to get another project, we cant. Now its on to the small things. Everytime I swipe the card, coffee, lunch, etc. I get a text or call asking what I spent it on. But when she does something, she does whatever she wants. The difference is I dont care. Thats what we make it for. I dont question her spending. And we are not hurting.
> 
> ...


What you are describing is financial abuse.
And do you not realize what you want and don't want? Make that heard. You obviously didn't want to sell your motorcycle or your "last" project car (so I take it you had to sell others).

Well...you need assertiveness.

And when you get a divorce (I say when cause if it continues down this path, one of you is going to break away) you are going to bring up the fact that she made you sell your things or that you discovered her throwing your things away (sign of abuse by the way) you know what EVERYONE is going to say to you? 

"Well you allowed it"

This is true absolutely. Is it fair? No. But you can only GIVE your power away and you obviously are giving it to someone that is abusing it. 

Its so easy to take the power away when you are a submissive, you just have to stop giving it. 

She will do a few things when you take power away, she will either 
1. threaten you to get back in line and escalate some kind of abuse (like maybe throwing things out or hiding money from you or emptying a joint account etc... I say this since she sounds financially abusive to me)
2.she will just leave you (good riddence, better now than later)
3. she will suddenly change in order to stay with you if she really loves you.

Come to terms with all three, then lose fear about changing into an assertive man. 

Personally, out of the 3, the worst that can happen is #1. I suggest leaving her a** if thats the case and get a lawyer. Really though, in the end, its not so bad. 

#3 will most likely happen if you lay down your assertiveness and start saying what it is you don't like.


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## montyloree (Jan 10, 2010)

hello... I'm a newbie here... but I discuss money all the time on my forum.

Relationships are all about expectations... managing expectations.
You admited that "The difference is I dont care."

Thus your expectations are that you don't really care.. Your spouse obviously cares what's going on.. It's all about control as well.. she wants to control the money, and it sounds like you don't care. That's where the issue is.. 

The question is: what do you want to control the money for?
Are you saving up for something? Are you saving for a trip?, retirement?

It sounds like your spouse has more goals than you for saving. I'm just guessing

Best thing to do is sit down and discuss your common goals. Your common expectations. You may want to align your expectations with each other..

If your expectations are aligned as far as where you spend and save your money then the fighting should stop, in theory.

Just a quick 2¢'s worth


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Take ALL the emotion out of it. Each of you gets an exactly equal discretionary allowance that can be spent with no questions asked. And let her set the amount. Seriously. I would do that if this was happening.


:iagree:

And if there are bigger things you want...next project, etc. those are things that you should discuss together...what your plans are for the future if you have savings built up...invest, buy a house, a project of yours, etc.

I would be grateful that she is able to handle the finances for the two of you...but asking about every $1 you spend seems a bit much!


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## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

yes. the questioning about what I do and how I do it, thats the problem. Big decisions we discuss and plan out. 

Sometimes I cant tell if is a control issue, or a trust issue though. I cant imagine why someone would want to be so controlling over small expenses. I am working on talking to her to discuss mem's advice. 

thanks all


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WTGFH,
Ah - what painful memories you dredge up. We did have some of this - not quite like you - but along those lines during our first 5 years of marriage. I was a gadget guy and wife was difficult about it. I finally said to her: I would never dream of making you feel bad about a purchase this size, why are you doing this? 

Anyway I remember how sad it made me feel when she would do that. Luckily it was never the day to day stuff - just mid sized gadgets and up. She eventually got better about it. 





wheretogofromhere said:


> yes. the questioning about what I do and how I do it, thats the problem. Big decisions we discuss and plan out.
> 
> Sometimes I cant tell if is a control issue, or a trust issue though. I cant imagine why someone would want to be so controlling over small expenses. I am working on talking to her to discuss mem's advice.
> 
> thanks all


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## wheretogofromhere (Jan 8, 2010)

well it hasnt changed, driving me up a wall.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Did you talk to her about setting aside spending money of equal amounts for both of you? Basically that's what my wife and I do. I make the money that pays all the bills. My check gets direct deposited into a joint account and I transfer off my 'allowance' into my personal account - (she also has a personal account) for spending on what I want. She gets spending money as well and it works well. 

So have you brought this up and if she had objections what could they possibly be? You need to sit down with her and explain that you're an equal in the relationship and you're entitled to be able to spend money the same as she. You're not asking to be in control, you're just asking to be an equal and have her explain to you how it's reasonable that she can make purchases but you aren't able to do the same...


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