# How would you handle this accident?



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You and your spouse are drinking wine and watching tv in bed. You fall asleep and the wine spills in your lap and some gets on the sheets. How does your spouse react?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> You and your spouse are drinking wine and watching tv in bed. You fall asleep and the wine spills in your lap and some gets on the sheets. How does your spouse react?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Considering I once threw up over the bed during a drunken encounter many years ago and he laughed and cleaned it up - probably nothing more than oops and leave it to clean til next day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol I've both spilled drinks in the bed(when drunk) and upchucked all over the bed and myself before.. my hubby just cleaned it up then brought me to the shower cleaned me up then carried me back to bed and tucked me in. (after putting clean bedding back on the bed that is)


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

I can say that if it were me, I would, while trying not to wake my wife, set the glass on the nightstand, get a towel, blot up what I could of the spill, and help change the sheets in the morning.


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

[
So anger and being told to clean, spot treat and hand wash is not normal?


QUOTE=Posse;725817]I can say that if it were me, I would, while trying not to wake my wife, set the glass on the nightstand, get a towel, blot up what I could of the spill, and help change the sheets in the morning.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

No, not normal. My reply would be, "If you want it cleaned up so badly do it your own damned self. What in the hell is your problem?"

If you are regularly getting that kind of treatment, you need to immediately stop putting up with it. Getting ordered around like that is abusive.


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yes. Once he came home from work late (midnight) and I was sleeping. I apparently didn't pick up my son's spill well enough and he woke me up and wanted me to go scrub it. 




Posse said:


> No, not normal. My reply would be, "If you want it cleaned up so badly do it your own damned self. What in the hell is your problem?"
> 
> If you are regularly getting that kind of treatment, you need to immediately stop putting up with it. Getting ordered around like that is abusive.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Were his arms broken?

Abusive behavior.

If you tolerate it, you'll keep getting more of it. Nobody can abuse you like that without your consent.


----------



## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

I spilled coffee in my bed once, and hid it from the ex husband because I knew he would kick the ****outa me. He discovered it while I was at work and I was scared to death to come home. He was very angry, and notice I said EX. 

Under what other circumstances are you subjected to anger? That behavior is abusive. was there name calling also? Was this an isolated incident? How long haveyou been together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well we've been to therapy and he's improved. In fact we almost split recently but he agreed to therapy again. He tries but then screws up. He surprised me by making reservations for dinner last night. But on the way he asked me to get my iPhone map out. I tried telling him how to go (as he asked) and then he started disagreeing with me. So much so he almost ran off the highway so he could search for his own map. When I shrieked he got mad but we were about to have an accident! 


Then when he realized my directions were right he just said "this is the long way... I'll never do this again". I was like... Hello. Talk to GPS... Not my fault! 

It just ruined the entire dinner for me. Just really unpleasant. 




mrsamazing said:


> I spilled coffee in my bed once, and hid it from the ex husband because I knew he would kick the ****outa me. He discovered it while I was at work and I was scared to death to come home. He was very angry, and notice I said EX.
> 
> Under what other circumstances are you subjected to anger? That behavior is abusive. was there name calling also? Was this an isolated incident? How long haveyou been together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She'd wake me, move my sleeping ass to the couch while she stripped the bed and put fresh sheets on it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

There isn't any name calling but he is always riding me. He snapped at me for taking off the plastic from my microwave meal this AM. "I told you, you aren't supposed to remove that". Just little things that I wonder about.... Is that normal?



TE=tacoma;725892]She'd wake me, move my sleeping ass to the couch while she stripped the bed and put fresh sheets on it
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Was it "anger" or just "annoyance"?

I can understand annoyance, you're settling in to go to bed and now you gotta get up, strip the bed, remake the bed, perhaps they were expensive, silk, etc.. 

Asking you to wash and spot treat them is fair enough.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would let my spouse sleep thru/in it.....why lose a good nights sleep over spilt wine?


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

All of this snapping and rudeness is a result of a lack of self discipline, apreciation for another, and respect for another. Throw in a heavy does of taking someone for granted. 

I had been single (wounded badly) after my ex. It gave me much time to reflect. What I came up with was this: Why would I treat my girlfriend, s/o, wife with any less respect than I treat my mother? My mom is an angel, but drives me to distraction sometimes! I moved in with her for a while after dad passed to help out. And the loss of my own place kind of got to me. I had no space, could not find things of mine, etc. Being an organized person, this was brutal. And I'd get upset. I would NEVER, EVER let her see it or disrespect her. This is leading somewhere....

I had a thought, "why can't I take that same respect, appreciation and courtesy into a relationship? Why, just because you sleep and live with someone, should that give you a reason to snap over silly crap? Or take a bad day out on someone? Or call them a name?

Those thoughts has served me and my relationships well, and I've never done it again. I also won't tolerate it. There were times early on in dating my wife when she would get snippy. I would stop what I was doing and just stand there and look at her. When she'd finally notice, I'd say something to the effect of "are you ready to get out of marriage mode now, because I'm not your ex husband". Or "When you're ready to stop taking your bad day out on me, we'll talk. Until then, I've got better things to do."

My buddy has troubles with this. I explained it to him like this: If the cap is off the toothpaste. I put it back on. Wow, there went 2 seconds of my life! If she leaves a half filled coffee cup on the counter (a daily occurrence that irks me a bit), I wash it and put it up. Another 10 seconds of my life gone. Versus what? Arguing for hours over something so minor? But there is a line between an irksome habit, and disrespectful or insensitive behavior. Disrespectful behavior is never just brushed off.

Again, has served me so well. The W said a couple weeks back "I've never in my life even approached a relationship that was so steady and calm, yet on the other hand so exciting and emotional in such great ways". She long ago understood what I was doing, and followed suit. 

I told her then that I do not ever want to throw that first snowball that eventually starts down that hill, gaining speed and size, until it's a hurtling behemoth of destruction with no chance of stopping. I'm not throwing the snowball. I will argue and stand my ground when it's needed and without hesitation, but I respect her, cherish her, and will not treat her badly. There has never been name calling...not a single time...in our relationship. Arguments are about resolving the situation, not "one upping" or trying to hurt the other. If it starts to go there, argument is PUT ON HOLD IMMEDIATELY. If something is starting to bother me, I talk about it, then and there, before it festers into resentment or anger. At first she didn't understand this and felt like "I feel like I can't do anything right". It took a few times of explaining my mentality about this to her before she caught on. Now she knows. And a funny thing happened....she's become extraordinarily confident. All her little insecurities when we met are all but gone. And she feels like she can virtually do no wrong with me! And, she is right. And I appreciate every minute of it, and show her so.

It is about the mutual respect. I will respect who I'm with, and in return demand the same (where I've earned it). If that's not there, it's just not going to end well, so better to end it sooner than later.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd remark, "Well, I guess we need to launder the sheets. Might as well get them really dirty (wink,wink).


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well when it happened I was startled out of my sleep. And I was so desperate not to make my husband mad that I actually used my pants to try and soak up the wine. I knew he'd be mad if it stained. I tried to minimize it as much as possible. But first thing this morning he asked me to go to the washer and see if the stains came out. He made me drag the sheets out of the house and into the sunlight. I told him they were fine but he insisted on going over them with a fine tooth comb. It messed up one corner of the sheet and he directed me to put stain remover on it and wash it in hot water ASAP. It's just been this tense situation and I feel just awful about it. In so many ways... 




unbelievable said:


> I'd remark, "Well, I guess we need to launder the sheets. Might as well get them really dirty (wink,wink).


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well when it happened I was startled out of my sleep. And I was so desperate not to make my husband mad that I actually used my pants to try and soak up the wine. I knew he'd be mad if it stained. I tried to minimize it as much as possible. But first thing this morning he asked me to go to the washer and see if the stains came out. He made me drag the sheets out of the house and into the sunlight. I told him they were fine but he insisted on going over them with a fine tooth comb. It messed up one corner of the sheet and he directed me to put stain remover on it and wash it in hot water ASAP.


He "directed you to put stain remover on it and wash it in hot water" after making you drag them out of the house, into the sunlight and after he went over it with a fine tooth comb.

I have a better idea. Direct him to shove the sheets up his A$$.


----------



## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Donny64 is so right on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife would have directed me to kiss a particular aspect of her anatomy.


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

If I even suggested we have sex instead of cleaning up the spill I would have never heard the end of it. He would be furious. 



unbelievable said:


> My wife would have directed me to kiss a particular aspect of her anatomy.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> If I even suggested we have sex instead of cleaning up the spill I would have never heard the end of it. He would be furious.


You are obviously very afraid of your husband.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I have a better idea. Direct him to shove the sheets up his A$$.


uh, *FIRST*, he needs to tie them in a BIG KNOT :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> There isn't any name calling but he is always riding me. He snapped at me for taking off the plastic from my microwave meal this AM. "I told you, you aren't supposed to remove that". Just little things that I wonder about.... Is that normal?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Not really all that normal no.

Is he under stress at work? Any other stress in his life? I can get this way when I'm stressed and haven't been sleeping much. Not quite to his extreme though.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Well we've been to therapy and he's improved. In fact we almost split recently but he agreed to therapy again. He tries but then


Sorry to tell you, but he isn't REALLY 'trying'. He's trying JUST ENOUGH to convince you he's 'trying' so he can:

a.) quit later and tell you how it DIDN'T WORK and it's just a WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY

b.) keep you from DUMPING his demeaning, disrespectful ASS [wherein he would be forced to pull the knotted sheets out of it, and wash them HIMSELF ...along with ALL THE OTHER THINGS you do for him (totally unappreciated, of course, because they're always WRONG) and God knows he's not gonna wanna make HIS SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASS do any work around your house]

*Some FREE ADVICE:* Quit the counseling. Use the money to hire a REALLY good DIVORCE attorney and go for his b*lls! Your husband is a rude, demeaning, demanding, hypercritical, POS. Go back to the 'almost split up recently' place in time....and THIS TIME DO IT FOR REAL...leave his ASS.

If you don't get your son out of this household, he's going to turn out JUST LIKE his old man. What else has he ever seen to model his behavior on? You're going to watch YOUR SON treat his own wife (and mother of his children) JUST LIKE THIS in another couple of decades!


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He snapped at me for taking off the plastic from my microwave meal this AM. "I told you, you aren't supposed to remove that". Just little things that I wonder about.... Is that normal?


Its not normal but I've been known to do it too, I'm not all that good at reading directions on food containers especially when I'm starving! Then I end up with food plastered all over the top and sides of the microwave and it can be a real b!tch to clean.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

anger is unnecessary but if it comes suggest that things are going to get a lot f^cking more messy after he goes to sleep and you slash his f^cking throat with a cheap serrated knife.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> There isn't any name calling but he is always riding me. He snapped at me for taking off the plastic from my microwave meal this AM. "I told you, you aren't supposed to remove that". Just little things that I wonder about.... Is that normal?


Oh My God!!!!!...... You took the PLASTIC from your MEAL??!! j/k.

Think about how absurd it is to blow up over something so trivial as that. It is just stupid.

The sheet thing? Why you would put up with that is beyond my ability to fathom.

Your husband sounds like a total jackass with some serious control issues.

Is he physically violent, or just verbally abusive and a control freak?

Most healthy people are not like that. Healthy relationships are not like yours. Your husband has some real issues, which it sounds like he is not willing to truly address.

You should consider individual counseling to explore how you came to find yourself in such a relationship, and more importantly, how you can get out of a relationship with the dynamics of yours, whether that is with your husband or without him.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh geeze... is the guy pregnant? Is he on his monthly? Is he OCD? of course being ocd myself I never ORDER anyone to clean up anything that bothers me.. I always end up doing it. Sounds like he's nothing but a pompous lil ahole who treats his spouse like a servant!! Gather up your nerve woman and tell him to clean it up himself!! Your his wife not a servant!! I get irked with things my hubby does but I have never FORCED him to do a damn thing about it. I normally nag at him but thats about it lol. Don't stay with a man who has NO respect for YOU as a human being!!


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well when it happened I was startled out of my sleep. And I was so desperate not to make my husband mad that I actually used my pants to try and soak up the wine. I knew he'd be mad if it stained. I tried to minimize it as much as possible. But first thing this morning he asked me to go to the washer and see if the stains came out. He made me drag the sheets out of the house and into the sunlight. I told him they were fine but he insisted on going over them with a fine tooth comb. It messed up one corner of the sheet and he directed me to put stain remover on it and wash it in hot water ASAP. It's just been this tense situation and I feel just awful about it. In so many ways...
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As pointed out by others your husband's behavior is not normal and you are too scared. Have you always been scared?

It is difficult to change your husband's "actions" without his consent, however you have complete control to change your "reactions". By that I mean, _*your husband's ANGER actually feeds on your FEAR*_. If you respond with Confidence, Assertiveness and maybe even Anger (without getting scared) and ask him to behave well on such occasions you might be surprised to see his reaction. Stand up for yourself and do not participate in this abuse by getting scared of him. 

This of course is assuming he has not physically abused you in the past and has not gone past a certain limit, and does not pose that risk if conflicted.

Usually a husband who is insecure inside would act like this. His wife is probably the only person where he can offload all the anger etc. that he accumulates from the outside world. He takes the wife for granted and uses her as a punching bag. When the wife stands up for herself she essentially transforms from a punching bag to something like say a "rock". If someone tries to punch a rock they get hurt and after few futile attempts maybe the punching will stop.

See if you can transform yourself from his punching bag to a solid rock! Tell him that this non sense will not be tolerated. That you are not his slave, and he should treat you with respect and dignity. Get a little angry if you must. 

Have you ever tried this before (standing up for yourself) Did it make any difference?


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thanks for all of this feedback. My hubby kinda has a long history of being rude and inconsiderate. He tried getting physical with me twice. He squeezed my arm and twisted it during an argument. I did stand up to him and he never tried that again. The dynamics between us are odd. I am the breadwinner. He's currently unemployed. He has Signs of OCD I definitely do NOT. 

He is a very smart man and corrects me often on everything and anything. So I feel like a total idiot most of the time even though I bring in big bucks from my job... He is still smarter than me. I'm great in my profession ... But I don't know world history or astronomy etc and he teaches our son about it. Even our son has begun telling me I don't know what I'm talkking about ... 

It's tough. I feel like a unorganized mess who is basically an idiot in most areas of life. But I am the passionate, hard worker who gets things done. He does NOT. 

So when I spill something etc.. The feeling (pattern) is ... There she goes again. 

My husband also is a perfectionist. He irons his undershirts. He irons his khakis and jeans. If he finds a small spot on them he must immediately put them in the wash and begin ironing a new pair. 

Me? If my suit or clothes look fine from a distance... I'm good to go. I wear nice things and always look put together (I hope) but if I spill something on myself at dinner... I really don't freak out. 


QUOTE=eowyn;726293]As pointed out by others your husband's behavior is not normal and you are too scared. Have you always been scared?

It is difficult to change your husband's "actions" without his concent, however you have complete control to change your "reactions". By that I mean, _*your husband's ANGER actually feeds on your FEAR*_. If you respond with Confidence, Assertiveness and maybe even Anger (without getting scared) and ask him to behave well on such occasions you might be surprised to see his reaction. Stand up for yourself and do not participate in this abuse by getting scared of him. 

This of course is assuming he has not physically abused you in the past and has not gone past a certain limit, and does not pose that risk if conflicted.

Usually a husband who is insecure inside would act like this. His wife is probably the only person where he can offload all the anger etc. that he accumulates from the outside world. He takes the wife for granted and uses her as a punching bag. When the wife stands up for herself she essentially transforms from a punching bag to something like say a "rock". If someone tries to punch a rock they get hurt and after few futile attempts maybe the punching will stop.

See if you can transform yourself from his punching bag to a solid rock! Tell him that this non sense will not be tolerated. That you are not his slave, and he should treat you with respect and dignity. Get a little angry if you must. 

Have you ever tried this before (standing up for yourself) Did it make any difference?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds like he's jealous in a sense and feels inadequate soooo he feels he has to make YOU feel inadequate. That sounds like a control issue to me and as far as your son goes.. You really need to be the MOTHER in his eyes.. meaning don't be taking disrespect from either of them. Sounds like your husband is teaching his son that women are nothing but inadequate servants... and that is NOT a good way of thinking.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

she would be upset cause the sheets are ruined and would than want to replace it and she would than worry about some other crap cause 'Its ruined" 

but still loves me

If she spilled wine on the sheets i would not care we got other sheets to replace them with of course they are not the nice sheets according to her. but its whatever


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> You and your spouse are drinking wine and watching tv in bed. You fall asleep and the wine spills in your lap and some gets on the sheets. How does your spouse react?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One time I was watching TV in bed with my EXW and I was drinking a coke. I put it on the night stand and it accidentally tipped over. It only had a bit left. I have never seen a person jump so fast and yell "Goddammit" so many times while looking at me with disgust. 

She got this from her mother. Her mother was so anal about everything. She wouldn't even let my exw use her expensive front loading washer and drier because my ex didn't know how to dispense the soap properly and might get the machine dirty or soap on the outside. Seriously? 

When you place more value on material things than people you are automatically on my POS list. 

Mind you there is nothing wrong with taking care of your stuff. I wash and vaccum my car every week and hate dings but if my son spilled a cup of juice on the carpet(and he has) I would not spank or yell at him, yet my ex has done that to him much to my dismay. According to the ex I don't "appreciate things". Fudge that, I appreciate people. People matter. The carpet can be replaced, the front loading washer will still wash if it has a dam smudge. 

If you love your stuff so much find a way to shove that washer and drier up your butt so when you croak you will have clean sheets in hell. :smthumbup:


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Sorry to tell you, but he isn't REALLY 'trying'. He's trying JUST ENOUGH to convince you he's 'trying' so he can:
> 
> a.) quit later and tell you how it DIDN'T WORK and it's just a WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY
> 
> ...


LISTEN to this OP. Do it for your child since your son will grow up watching his father berate and destroy his mother and he will continue the pattern. Leave this loser and show your son that you matter.


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

But he is so sporadic. That's what makes it hard. Many times he will be fine now when things go wrong. But then things like I mentioned will transpire. He will plan things though and seem sweet. Like mothers day he is secretly planning a trip to a pricey resort. It seems wonderful but I know it's just cause he wants to go. B
He is unemployed and will book a trip for 300 a night to say its for mothers day. It makes me bitter, but maybe I'm just resentful. 




Sanity said:


> LISTEN to this OP. Do it for your child since your son will grow up watching his father berate and destroy his mother and he will continue the pattern. Leave this loser and show your son that you matter.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

OP, First of all you *REALLY need to change the way you look at yourself*. Forget about what your son thinks about you (that comes later) You need to first look at *yourself *with RESPECT & DIGNITY. Without that whatever you do, it will not be in an attempt or direction to fix the issue.

So what if he knows astronomy and history, don't you think you know a lot of other things that he doesn't know? For starters you know how to treat people well which he miserably lacks and which is much more important than astronomy and history. Every person is an expert in some area or the other and should not be belittled or looked down upon. Also, Just like it is not good to belittle others, it is also not good to belittle yourself or let somebody belittle you. I would say whatever you do eventually (leave or stay) this should be your first step - TO RESPECT YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU ARE. 

Once you do this it will give you a brand new perspective and I am sure you will be able to handle this better! Have you ever tried to tell him calmly (and assertively) that needs to treat you in a more dignified fashion, the way he treats you is not at all acceptable and he needs to understand and make some changes otherwise your 'limit of patience' will soon be exhausted. Try to make him see how he is damaging your self esteem as your son's perspective about yourself. If he doesn't understand I would say it is certainly a complete waste of time to spend rest of your life with him. If he does understand, either take him some counseling or at least come up with some protocols/rules that he should keep in mind going forward. Think about what these protocols should be before you talk to him. Things such as (1) He should never berate you in front of your son (2) He should never shout at you in front of people etc etc... Makes sure he follows the rules once he agrees to following them. Have a "trigger word" to keep on reminding him of the protocols in case he deviates from his commitment.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My boyfriend fell into a coma in my bed and vomited and urinated all over it. I washed the sheets and the mattress pad and the comforter and picked up the ventilator packaging and the other emt debris including all the mud they tracked in. I put the sofa bed into sofa mode and slept in a sleeping bag for about a week or two. Then I put all the sheets and stuff back on the bed and got used to sleeping in the place he spent his last coherent moments before his double brain hemorrhage caught up with him.

Accidents happen. 
Nearly anything can be cleaned up in the wash.
And the vomit and the urine, no big deal. 
When you love someone, you don't care if things get messy. It's the nature of living in a physical world.

Oh, and before all that he slopped his coffee. No big deal.

By the way, your husband is a control freak in his physical world because he has the time to be that way, and the time to spend with your son. He is probably unemployed because a job would seriously interfere with his need for control. You are in an abusive relationship, if you feel like crap when you are around your husband that is the big clue. It doesn't matter if he gets physical with you or not. In fact, he has shown that he doens't need to be physical to control you...what he does makes you feel like crap, why subject himself to losing the relationship that allows him his locus of control. He is a frightened man. If he were a kid he would be a toilet training nightmare.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This has been a good thread for me. I'm not in an intimate abusive relationship but have been used by controlling people as their punching bag. I did stand up a couple times recently but it takes practice. I definitely was shaky. I need to improve my delivery and let my indignation at their behavior be felt. I heard that one of the people who was abusive to me felt bad enough about it after to confide in someone about it. I think she definitely has some issues. I suppose the kind thing if she does feel bad about it is to do the thing that will stop her from giving in to impulse to continue - ROCK MODE.


----------



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thank you. You are right. I do need to realize that I'm a capable woman. I basically do everything anyway. I've had to fix so many of his screw ups. It's probably a very different view from the outside. My friends have told me over and over. 

He's not a shouter or screamer. He's just very quiet and stern. He controls with his coldness and quick verbal jabs and snarky comments. Nothing is ever quite good enough. However he's been on fantastic behavior today. Makes me feel bad talking poorly about him. 






eowyn said:


> OP, First of all you *REALLY need to change the way you look at yourself*. Forget about what your son thinks about you (that comes later) You need to first look at *yourself *with RESPECT & DIGNITY. Without that whatever you do, it will not be in an attempt or direction to fix the issue.
> 
> So what if he knows astronomy and history, don't you think you know a lot of other things that he doesn't know? For starters you know how to treat people well which he miserably lacks and which is much more important than astronomy and history. Every person is an expert in some area or the other and should not be belittled or looked down upon. Also, Just like it is not good to belittle others, it is also not good to belittle yourself or let somebody belittle you. I would say whatever you do eventually (leave or stay) this should be your first step - TO RESPECT YOURSELF FOR WHAT YOU ARE.
> 
> Once you do this it will give you a brand new perspective and I am sure you will be able to handle this better! Have you ever tried to tell him calmly (and assertively) that needs to treat you in a more dignified fashion, the way he treats you is not at all acceptable and he needs to understand and make some changes otherwise your 'limit of patience' will soon be exhausted. Try to make him see how he is damaging your self esteem as your son's perspective about yourself. If he doesn't understand I would say it is certainly a complete waste of time to spend rest of your life with him. If he does understand, either take him some counseling or at least come up with some protocols/rules that he should keep in mind going forward. Think about what these protocols should be before you talk to him. Things such as (1) He should never berate you in front of your son (2) He should never shout at you in front of people etc etc... Makes sure he follows the rules once he agrees to following them. Have a "trigger word" to keep on reminding him of the protocols in case he deviates from his commitment.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I am glad you agree. Trust me this first step is the most important step. Once you get past this you will have the tools to fix your issues and you might be surprised how the behavior of your husband and son drastically changes towards you. Bottomline here is that "nobody will respect you, if you do not respect yourself".

By looking at yourself in a positive light and with respect and dignity, you will not only attempt to change the way your husband and son perceive you, but you will also not get the guilty feeling that I am sure you would be getting each and every day for taking all the crap... for letting yourself down by not standing up for yourself. All this will change once you change the way you start looking at yourself. Your behavior will change own its own and eventually the husband and son's behavior towards you will change as well.

I know it sounds too good to be true, but I think it will work or at least make things better. Write some positive reinforcements that you need to remind yourself of and read the note before you go to bed everyday. That will help you diligently follow this path of self discovery and self appreciation.


----------

