# How often do you have sex?



## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

I have been married for over five years. I'm a woman. My husband and I barely have sex every 3-4 months, and I am wondering if that's normal. I personally would love to have sex every week or two, and that never happens (anymore). Things were hot for the first year or two, and now things seem to be boring. I'm not lacking any imagination on how to get things going, I'm just bored with the way things are when they get started, and how rarely even that occurs. I've tried talking to my husband about it, but he just gets all depressed and says he's sorry that he can't satisfy me. I don't appreciate the guilt trip, but I'm beginning to think he's right... because I never am satisfied in the bedroom! Well, not when we only have sex once every 3-4 months anyway! As it stands right now we haven't had sex in about 3 months or more. I don't even remember the last time, and I am going crazy!!! I'm checking out other men and contimplating contacting an ex, when I know it is the wrong thing to do (so I haven't done it). I know I am just lonely. I just don't know where to go from here, when I've explained this issue to my husband and he doesn't seem to want to step up. And what's worse is, right about now, even if he did, I don't think I'd be interested  Resentment is powerfull, and it has caused me to not be attracted to my husband anymore, because I don't feel truely desired. I am sexually frustrated!!!


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## bellalay27 (Oct 20, 2011)

Once every 1-2 weeks.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

We're about four times a week for three weeks of the month, so about 3 / week overall.

I'm not sure how results gathered here will reflect the "real world", so keep that in mind.

Reading what you report you H says, is he actually clinically depressed? If so, that certainly won't boost his libido.

It also sounds like he might be able to make use of a dose of "manning up". Check the sticky in the men's clubhouse. How you get him to try it is a different matter - only he can want to change, but it might give you some food for thought.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

2-3 times/week with varying quality. From what I understand this is pretty close to the national average, but that doesn't mean much. 

I am mostly ok with the frequency but could do with some more enthusiasm.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Varies from several times a week (just finished a 4 nights in a row event lol) to no less than 1 time a week. But I do know I've struggled with my libido being low (kids, health issues, H being a jerk, etc.) and it's coming back  Been married 5 years. 

To the OP: You say that you've discussed it with your H and he says he's sorry he can't satisfy you. You also say he may be right because you say you aren't satisfied in the bedroom, but that sounds like it's because of frequency? When it does happen, is it good or ho hum? How does your H think your sex life is overall? Sorry for the 20 Q's.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

4-5 times a week, dipped down from the 8 times a week during the hysterical bonding phase

prior to the affair was 2-3 times a month (tho it ramped up before exposure)

2-3 years prior to that was 2-3 times a week

during the baby care phase of our lives it was 2-3 times a month

prior to that was 4-5 times a week (from dating to marriage, had the baby a few months after wedding)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What IS your husband doing with his sexuality? is he using porn, off masterbating in the shower? Is he depressed, on meds that can ZAP his sex drive? Or possibly Low Testosterone symptoms- no longer craving those releases? he would also have other signs such as ... being tired all the time, just dragging, brain fog. 

Does he have resentment built up towards you for anything? Any attraction issues at play ?

What do you feel is the underlying issue. 

How you are feeling- the resentment build up, the desire to have wanderng eyes outside of the marraige - is so very very normal, not right but NORMAL, you are craving that attention, that filling you are missing at home, and want so desperately. This is why people fall into affairs. 

Was hanging out with a friend just last night, she tells me how there is nothing at home- for yrs on end, he has an addition to a few things , NO time for her at all, she lives for her kids -she is beautiful too. Ran into an ex, they cried, how the temptation is luring her something terrible. I just listened, I didn't judge her, she knows if she does not put a stop to this -she will fall, she went on and on about -how good it feels to have someone want her, she has been missing this for years on end. Not sure where she is going to end up, I think she needs to get out of her marriage, but so many fears there with the children. But her marraige is dead, there is no hope there. He refuses counseling even. She used to go without him. 

I think you need to let your husband KNOW how very SERIOUS this is to you. He is RISKING loosing his marraige here. He may not need more but YOU DO....and nothing is wrong with that. 

Either he is on board to sorting this out, making some willfull effort changes to coming to your aid in these things, and not pity sex, or you may be moving on with someone who values the importance of a healthy active emotionally connected pleasurable sex life. 

Me & my husband used to only be once a weekers, he felt less loved with that - I was busy with kids, projects, religous hang ups etc, now we are 4-6 times a weekers, and it has enhanced our connection to heights one can only dream of. 

I would never survive with a man who didn't like sex. 

Need to look for those underlying issues ....does he have a hidden porn addition - maybe he is strugglging with ED, too embarrassed to talk about it with you?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

What is considered 'normal' frequency is essentially relative. Here's the Kinsey Institute's report which uses various studies to come to their conclusions: 

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]

A lot of times the frequency, or lack thereof, of sexual relations between a couple can have at its root the health of the overall relationship and you need to look at the state of your relationship outside the bedroom.

How is your relationship overall?

And, it's been estimated that 1 in 5 men have a lower libido. There can be many causes. Have you looked at the following potential causes and tried to eliminate/work on any of them:

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

I think you are going to have to be very honest with your husband about your feelings and insist (in a non-harsh, non-judgmental way) that he try and work with you to come to some sort of resolution - whether that is him going to see a doctor about depression or going to marriage counseling together.

Best wishes.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

we have been on a bit of a good streak lately, i really dont know why to be honest except to say she is way more interested, thats what is confusing. it has backed down alot this past week or so, has to be hormonal. its a roller coaster for me.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Loaded question though. How often do you want to? Overall or with your partner (not meaning a cheating way). I'd like to at least weekly in general but with my wife I dont usually want to since it I am usually looking at her unlovingly because of how she acts, ends up being ever month or two or three.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

We enjoy each other 3-4 times a week. I wish that we could make love every day, but my husband has problems cumming if it is too frequent.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

3-4 times a week when I am home.
(I work one month on, one month off)


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Less than once a year. The first dry spell was 5 years long.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

About 5 times a week or more. It depends. Average about 5 times.

We just had it 3 times in the last 12 hours :rofl: I took today off...not because of the sex, but for the sex


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Most of the time it is every six weeks...but we are working on this (I am working on this...)...I am making some changes to my behavior to see if that will help (mainly romance & time spent together...not just dinner out with the kids...)...also working on making sure I do the non-sexual touching...holding hands, looking into her eyes...without any expectation if immediate sex (hopeful for sex, but maybe not that day)

Also working on just being a better person...not so much an introvert (forums, video games, working in the garage/motorcycle), but get out and spend time with the kids on the weekend and let her have some me time...or she can join us (family outings would be nice on a weekly basis)

I have told the wifey that I would like us to get to having sex on a weekly basis or better...

Later.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Whatever works for the two of you is what you should be worried about, not what the 'norm' is. If the two of you are on the same page, it doesn't matter what the frequency is. If you aren't, then you have a problem to worry about.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

I don’t think we are the norm, but I don’t know. We have it 5-7 times a week except for the six weeks right after having my daughter. It was never the norm for me until this relationship. With my ex, it was maybe once a week. And when I say have sex, that doesn’t just mean “regular” sex. I am including sexual contact like oral sex, etc. There are some days I just don’t feel like having sex like if I am cramping bad so on those days I usually offer a blow job and he never has a problem with that..lol..


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

What's "normal" for 1 couple may not necessarily be "normal" for another. What's "normal" for us is 3 to 5 times weekly, sometimes more...sometimes less. In addition, I usually masturbate at least 2 or 3 times weekly and my wife probably does about the same. 

The main thing is to agree (as a couple) on your frequency and be satisfied with whatever your number may be, regardless of what other couples may be doing.


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

First of all, thank you so much for the responses, and please feel free to keep them coming (no pun intended, lol!).

Sawney Bean: I could see your point, and feel that my H may be depressed at times, but I don't think it's anything serious, or something that would require medication. Just boredum, needing a social life, friends, etc. Things we all go through from time to time. I however have been super depressed lately, but have wanted sex whether depressed or not. And no, I don't think I want it more because of being depressed, just getting more depressed because of not being desired. 

In all honesty, I have been taking better care of my body now than ever before. I lost 15-20 pounds, and now weigh 116-120 pounds. I started walking over a mile every day, and started eating better. I got a tan, and started dressing sexier, like wearing dresses and actually showing my legs, when I never really did before. And let me tell you, it seemed as though everyone else noticed, and I got so many compliments from friends and family members, guys staring at me on the streets, but absolutely no response whatsoever from my H. I couldn't agree more on the need for a dose of "manning up". I remember showing him my body, feeling so proud, hoping he'd tell me how good I looked. Instead he was busy looking up video game codes on the internet, and when I asked him if I looked good he said, "I really don't like the fact that you're tanning. It's just not good for your body." WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE NAKED, and in my opinion, looking pretty damn hot! WTF?! Sorry. Gotta calm down here. Just so confusing and frustrating, and most certainly not the response I was expecting!!! When he plays video games he reminds me of some dorky little brother. I want him to step up and be a man, and take me into the bedroom and... well... you get the point. 

@ Everyone/Cherry: I have made it very clear that I am interested in sex. When we do have sex, it is okay. It used to be better, but now I feel like it's just too forced, due to my complaining. I barely want to kiss him anymore. Things feel awkward. Is that ever normal??? The last time I brought it up, he said that I never give him oral anymore. I thought it was the strangest thing to say, considered every single solitary time he's EVER asked me to give him a blow job, I have. EVERYTIME. It seems asthough he wants me to randomly rip his pants off and just start giving him a blow job, when I'll be honest, I am not desiring that and have no intentions of doing that whatsoever. I am the one that wants to feel desired, not force him into desiring me. It may sound completely selfish, but I am tired of initiating things. I really am. Time for him to step up!

@ Simply Amorous: As far as what my husband IS doing with his sexuality, I have no idea. I don't think he watches porn, because he doesn't have the opportunity. But I do feel that when the opportunity arrises (I leave the house) he probably does. I also think he takes care of himself in the shower, but have never really asked him or caught him doing it or anything. He is somewhat depressed, as I mentioned above (in this post), and is tired all the time from work. But I don't think that excuses all the times that he isn't tired, and he choses to play video games or do other things. I don't know if he has any resentment built up towards me, but I know I do with him, and yet I still want to feel desired sexually. I don't know if he has any attraction issues towards me (again, read above), but I am now definitely feeling them towards him. Now my desire is gone, and I don't know how to get it back (for him). How interesting that your friend is going thru quite a similar problem as I am, and I hope she is okay and is happy in the end (however way she achieves that). You are right about speaking to my H about this, and I feel that I have. We have even argued about when we are going to have children, but that is not in the cards for us right now. I recently told my H, days ago, that I might need time apart to think about things. I still kind of desire it, because I have so much resentment right now that I barely want to speak to him. When I said that, I had (and have) no desire whatsoever to have an affair, but I did and do have a desire to be alone and think about things. He said that if I wanted to go to my parents house for a few days, that'd be fine, but if I needed a month or two or whatever, that "we're done." he said it just like that. that he "doesnt do separations." and that "separations just mean divorce." it made me really angry, because i dont feel that way at all. I think sometimes separations are required, but in his opinion it's some type of dealbreaker. What would u do there? I agree with you so much when u say, "I would never survive with a man who didn't like sex." I know my H had a lot lot lot of porn when I met him, and I made him get rid of ALL of it. When I came to find porn on my internet history and found he was looking at it behind my back (this was years ago) I got mad, but then realized I was being selfish, so I told him I wanted us to go to a video store and buy porn together. We watched some together, and I was actually kind of into it. I told him I'd be ok with it as long as we watched it together, and we bought a few videos. We've even bought a few sex toys. I told him I ordered a toy online and he said he couldnt wait to try it out on me. Well, I've owned that toy for about 6-9 months now, and he's never asked to even see it, let alone use it on me. I, however, love it, and without it I probably would have left him by now (LOL!) We still have the videos, and now, oddly enough, I watch them by myself from time to time. In a sense it just makes me more loney and feel pathetic, and want sex even more, so it's still all frustrating in the end. Btw, awesome that u and ur H reconnected and are having more sex than ever. *JEALOUS* Lol!

@Enchantment: Our relationship overall is great, but it's beginning to feel too buddy-buddy. We watch TV constantly and laugh about inside jokes, but never have passion or sex anymore. He is beginning to feel like a great best friend, and that really scares me. I told him about wanting marriage counseling, and he was worried about getting the time off work. That too pissed me off, because our marriage should be more important. The next day he apologized and said he'd be willing to go to marriage counseling. We are going the beginning of next month.

@2yearssince: I want to have sex (as it stands right now) all the time. Today. Right now. Hahaha! But as far as frequency, I'd prefer it if we had sex at least once a week. If not, once every 2 weeks, maybe 3. But waiting 3-4 months is pure hell for me. Even waiting one month starts to drive me crazy. Urgh. 

@Meg, with a partner, haha. When I "self service" these days it's been weekly. I think about sex constantly, and can "self service" every 3-4 days, actually. 

@ Everyone else: Thank u so much for your responses. Please feel free to keep chiming in. I love reading all of your opinions! Thanks!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I doubt clinical depression is the answer for all problems. Maybe he's just not into you that way anymore? Maybe it's sublimated anger.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

For the last month it has been averaging once to twice a week. Before that it was once every 2 or more months.

ok i have been reading some of the other posts... SO not fair at 4-5 times a week.. lol *sigh*

but i guess i can't really complain, it was only once every 2-3 months...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Where's the "as often as possible" option? 

I'm just in the dating phase, but we're in a 5 to 7 times a week range. I would expect it would die down at some point, but for now, I'm just enjoying it. And her sex drive is at least as high as mine, if not higher.

C


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I can relate. I, too, am trying to figure out what the issue has been in our marriage (we haven't had actual "intercourse" in six years!!), and you're right .... it gets awfully lonely! I think that an active sex life is so vital in keeping a marriage healthy and happy, and I personally feel that our marriage is ever so slowly crumbling. 

My husband claims that he still finds me attractive, etc., but the fact that he never initiates sex (or even seems to have an interest in sex) really has a negative impact on my self-esteem. What woman doesn't WANT to feel wanted??!! I would love to KNOW and FEEL like my husband wants and desires me, and over the last five or so years, I have not felt that way. Frankly, I have become bitter, and because I know that he has an interest in porn (I "discovered" his massive collection 20 years ago when I started dating him, and over the course of our marriage - when I've been in that mood to snoop - I always manage to find it.), I feel like I'm in a competition of sorts, and I'm tired of the fight!! It's the same cycle time and time again .... he gets rid of it when I find it, but he slowly builds up his collection once again. In the meantime, I'm pulling further and further away, and I don't know what I want anymore.

As I initially said, I feel your pain, sadness and lonliness! I wish you all the best as you sort your marital issues out. Hugs!!


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

About 5 to 8 times a week with a little bit of flux (will do it 3 times in 24 hours, then skip a day, etc), but then we are not married yet (May 2015 is the current plan).  Besides doing it for each other physically, we share complimentary kinks (I guess you'd call it that). I make it point to keep some variety injected and not always go to the most comfortable one or two positions/locations (about 60%).

We've been together for about 3.5 years now, and though the NRE / Honeymoon phase has clearly past, something special in terms of what we feel when we see each other has remained. 

There has been a huge thread of consistency throughout our relationship, and unbelievable (at times) amounts of communication and discussion. Our power dynamic is clearly defined and works well, and we both can elaborate to each other on how our needs are getting met, and what we each get out of the relationship. Both of us seem to think we are getting a great deal. Transparency and boundaries are clear. Trust and respect is very high. Issues are not allowed to go unspoken. The textbook definition of the opposite of my marriage.

When I was married, it was 5-10 times a YEAR for most of the relationship, which suffer from a bad power dynamic and massive lack of respect almost from the beginning. Almost called it quits after about 6 years, but while seriously contemplating it my daughter came along, and I stuck it out for far, far too long. After I decided to D the cheating *****, I set out on a massive self-improvement quest and Alpha'd up in the ways that were honest to myself.

I mention the relationship factors because they are what I believe enables the high frequency of sex I am enjoying now to persist past the initial 6-months or so.

We both have professional careers, ex-s and non-custodial kids to distract us.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Zero.


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

imhereforadvice said:


> WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE NAKED, and in my opinion, looking pretty damn hot!


Wow!!!! I am just amazed that this did not elicit a response!!!!!
Had this happened in front of me, there would have been nothing holding me back from.........! It amazes me that after all that you have done has not awakened his ass and gotten him hot and bothered!!! I have never even gotten a BJ, much less had my wife initiate anything. I am dumfounded for you!!

I live a hugely boring life and have just given into the fact that nothing is really going to change with our plain vanilla, 2-3 times a month if I'm lucky life. I think the only thing that would help is if I quit my current job, found something that paid enough to where my wife would not have to work and could do whatever she wanted. Then, and only then, would she probably be willing to have more fun.
:scratchhead:


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## arkguy (Apr 27, 2011)

Been married 25 years this year. Wife has a much lower sex drive than mine, if it were up to her, we would have sex about 2 or maybe 3 times a month. We did that for a a long time and I was so frustrated. I told her it had to improve or I couldn't take it anymore, I was at the end of my rope.

So, now we have sex once during the week and sometimes once on the weekend. If we have sex on Saturday, she doesn't even think about it at all on Sunday. She figures once we had sex, I won't need it again for a few days. If it were totally up to me, I would be about 3 or 4 times a week. 

What I don't understand is, when we have sex, she almost always enjoys it (ie orgasms nearly everytime), she never, ever intitates sex though, it is always me. Not the best sex life in the world, but not the worst.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

AltoSax4ever said:


> Wow!!!! I am just amazed that this did not elicit a response!!!!!
> Had this happened in front of me, there would have been nothing holding me back from.........! It amazes me that after all that you have done has not awakened his ass and gotten him hot and bothered!!! I have never even gotten a BJ, much less had my wife initiate anything. I am dumfounded for you!!
> 
> I live a hugely boring life and have just given into the fact that nothing is really going to change with our plain vanilla, 2-3 times a month if I'm lucky life. I think the only thing that would help is if I quit my current job, found something that paid enough to where my wife would not have to work and could do whatever she wanted. Then, and only then, would she probably be willing to have more fun.
> :scratchhead:



don't bet on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she would just find something else to busy herself with.and different excuses


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

arkguy said:


> Been married 25 years this year. Wife has a much lower sex drive than mine, if it were up to her, we would have sex about 2 or maybe 3 times a month. We did that for a a long time and I was so frustrated. I told her it had to improve or I couldn't take it anymore, I was at the end of my rope.
> 
> So, now we have sex once during the week and sometimes once on the weekend. If we have sex on Saturday, she doesn't even think about it at all on Sunday. She figures once we had sex, I won't need it again for a few days. If it were totally up to me, I would be about 3 or 4 times a week.
> 
> What I don't understand is, when we have sex, she almost always enjoys it (ie orgasms nearly everytime), she never, ever intitates sex though, it is always me. Not the best sex life in the world, but not the worst.


My STBXW was exactly like that too. And while it's not the only reason she's STBX, it's definitely in the list of reasons. Sorry to hear that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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