# SNAFU relationship



## Despair (Aug 22, 2011)

So much going on in my life at this time I do not know where to begin. This is a relationship that has had some real issues over ten years but somehow we continue to keep coming back together. There has been lies, two EA's, a custody battle, and a struggle to rebuild trust. 

That said, we parted ways for almost two years. In that time we both got to experience different things and we had changed, after some heavy flirting we decided to try once more. I had overcome several issues and put them behind me, I had always had trouble with this but it was nice for a change to start completely fresh. 

We ended up having a 2nd child, things were extremely good in the relationship prior to this.. well sex was lacking but not so badly it was hurting the bond. Anyways, at the end of May I noticed she had reactivated her Facebook. Red flag, she had a EA with a ex flame through FB. She does not release the password to me but allows me to see the page while she sits there and watches me. Weird but whatever, she let me in. I noticed two things - status: single and a ex fling I know about. I instantly state that its disrespectful to me that those two things are there. She says she will change them. Another week goes by and I notice that she is changing her fashion style. More makeup to work, hair is done, and she is dieting... 

I instantly get that gut feeling that something is really off and start talks with her to see whats up. She basically gives nothing, I will also state at this point we have not had any intimacy in a year and a half due to excused and what have you. After getting no where I state that she needs to figure out if she is staying or leaving because I cannot deal with somebody who wont talk to me about our relationship. Every day after that I tried to see where she was at on talks and only received - Im still thinking about it. During this time I noticed she carried her phone around a lot, FB messenger app was installed during this time. I spoke with my sister who is my absolute best friend, I needed a fresh set of eyes for the situation. She instantly states to kick her out - but also talks with my current SO to see what is up. Before she had the chance I just unleashed all my pent up frustration and ask my SO to leave the house. She stated she did not wish to be away from the kids, after some back and forth she became incredibly hostile... she has gotten physical with me before but not for a long time. To avoid anything getting out of hand I state that I would call the police if needed... pretty much ended everything right there... 

After that my sister talks my SO the next day which ends up in her coming home and stating they want to work on it because they cannot see themselves with anybody else. We talk for awhile, I mean, we have issues obviously and we need to put effort in working on them. We agree to work and try harder for the relationship.

Fast forward two weeks, I am trying like hell and receiving nothing from my SO. Im frustrated and begin to think that its a joke being played on me. I start to monitor her history and noticed she is logging into Facebook during the witching hour of night. I noticed a few issues but nothing major until three days ago when there started to be no history even though I know they were up late feeding the baby. Now the bad thing about history is that is does not show chat boxes but does show messages. 

At this point I ask to check the FB again, I notice that she is still listed as single and also some messages from guys that I had seen previously were not in her PM inbox. Instantly we begin to hash it out and long story short, we have gotten no where. She states that she is upset that I was going to call the cops on her, and that she hasnt changed her status on FB because she doesnt know if this will work out in the long run. 

Personally, I think its time for a keylogger. Purchased and installed already, I dont need evidence against her. I just need to know that we are done completely as the more we talk the more I feel she is playing head games because she knows I absolutely love her and Im faithful to a fault. Any other relationship with this many red flags I have ended and thought nothing of it but we her, only her - I cannot seem to drop. 

Before things fell apart we were having issues with babysitters for a newborn which caused us to decide the person making lesser money at their job quit. I quit and am a stay at home Dad, I do all the chores and watch my kids during the day. I also seem to be watching over them most evenings as well. 

I dont know what I am asking for or what I think I am going to get from this post. Honestly, I want to save this damn relationship but at the same time it is ruining me at my core. I guess I am wanting to get some information from others that have been in this situation because I know I am not alone here. Please, allow me to soak up any experience you yourself have been though and post some advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you keep beating your head against this wall? Your life seems miserable, she's being deceitful, she's not willing to work with you on fixing anything. What more do you need to know to make a decision?

And FYI... 18 months without sex because of "excuses and what have you"? Dude... You need to stand up for yourself. Lay out your boundaries and enforce them. Same with the FB... The boundary should have been "all passwords shared" before you even got back together. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

My question to you is this: What are you getting from this relationship? Does your SO provide any benefit to you and your life?

From the outside looking in, it seems obvious that you are just plan B until she finds a better substitute. Based on what you wrote, you know it but refuse to admit it. There are to many red flags to ignore that your SO is seeking others.

If it were me, I would be planning my exit strategy. Start to stash some of the cash, document everything you do for your kids, copy all important documents (Taxes, SSN's, etc), and hide any valuable you don't want to disappear.

Use the internet to make yourself smarter on divorce in your area. Get some free lawyer consults. Do everything you can to put yourself in a good position to get custody of your kids and not get screwed. There are a couple of forums dedicated to Dad's Divorce that give great advice.

And you really should look at getting a job and working out your child care plan. Be prepared because the end is coming for this relationship.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Despair said:


> So much going on in my life at this time I do not know where to begin. This is a relationship that has had some real issues over ten years but somehow we continue to keep coming back together. *Bad choice, to keep coming back together.* There has been lies, two EA's, a custody battle, and a struggle to rebuild trust. *Bad choices, to try and have a relationship after any of these events, much less all of them.*
> 
> That said, we parted ways for almost two years. *Unusually for you, this was a good choice, but....* In that time we both got to experience different things and we had changed, after some heavy flirting we decided to try once more. *Clarification: You hung around like a puppy dog. Your partner decided that you were a good Plan B kind of guy. No "WE flirted" here at all.* I had overcome several issues and put them behind me, I had always had trouble with this but it was nice for a change to start completely fresh. *Clarification; You changed so much that you would do anything to get her back.*
> 
> ...


Okay, Despair, I went through your post and added comments as things you said jumped out at me. You seem to have made just a whole bunch of bad choices with respect to who you chose to fall in love with. 

You have not established boundaries of behavior on the relationship (examples: Cheating is not acceptable- if you cheat, I will end the relationship. Physical abuse is also not acceptable, and I will call the cops if you assault me or throw stuff at me. Imbibing illegal drugs is not acceptable and will also result in a call to the police. No, you can't have a Facebook account that lists you as "single" or that I don't have total access to).

You have accepted a woman of low morals as your life partner, and you are going to pay the price for that choice until you make different decisions.


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