# My husband and a "Phase"



## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Hello everyone, 

I need some advice. I am 23 years old and my husband is 22 and we have been married one year. We have been dating however since our freshman year of high school so 7 and 1/2 years. Ever since I can remember my husband and I discussed that we were going to be different than our family and people we know in that we were not going to include drinking and smoking pot as part of our life. Most of the time the whole conversations were about drinking. Ever since he turned 21 he has been drinking more and going out with his friends more. I understand that it is important to have friends and have that man time but I feel that drinking and maybe even getting drunk once a week is too much. I had always thought that my husband was going to be the one person I wasn't going to worry about a drinking problem. He says that he is just going through a phase and that I need to trust him that when we eventually start a family that he will not go out and party and get drunk. I have had way to many let downs from my family and friends from alcohol and am not going to let my husband do that too. So than two weeks ago he told me had tried pot three times. I lost it. I cried for three days because I never ever in a million years thought the person I care about so much and love so much would ever do that. After lots of conversations and back and forth compromises I told him I am just not okay with him doing that and told him that if he did it once or twice a year maybe that would be okay if someone just offered it to him but not once a month or even once every three months. I am just not okay with that. I want to know from people if you think I am being a drama queen and am overdoing it? I just hope that this "phase" isn't something that is going to turn into an addiction or problem because I am not willing to stick around to waste years of my life dealing with an alcoholic and pot smoker. What do you think?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I do not think you are being a drama queen and recommend you rescind your settlement (once or twice a year) immediately. That is not a realistic limitation and he surely will not follow it. Once or twice a year will become three or four times a year, then half dozen, then once a month, then...

No alcohol and no drugs = healthy household


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

I wanted to do that but I felt like I would be controlling him too much. He said I don't think its fair for you to tell me I can't do any of it because than I am controlling his life. Any suggestions as to what to say to that?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sure, how about "Ok then, I want to have sex with every guy you hang out with." Him refusing is just controlling your life, right?? If you don't want to use "sex", fill in anything else that you know he wouldn't want you to do. "Ok then, I want to get a job as a bartender at night", "Ok then, I want to get a job as a dancing stripper", "Ok then, I want to get a job as a nude model".

He's being ridiculous and his "controlling" argument could be used for ANY behavior of his to the point that he could do anything he wanted to. Don't let him go there.

You two are partners and both have a right to reasonably put restraints on each others behavior. Only you two can define what "reasonable" translates to. However, in my book reasonable includes issues of drinking and drugs. Mrs. BigToe has never tread those paths before but if she did I would inform her in no uncertain terms that they were PROHIBITED.

Drinking can lead to DUI. Pot is illegal and will land him in court paying fines, and can also lead to harder drugs. If he needs those two things to find happiness he either has a problem already, or is a weakling and a fool.

You need to tell him that you never intended to marry a man that needed alcohol or drugs and that this is a deal-breaker for you, that he is risking his marriage if he continues with this behavior.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could tell him you're not controlling him at all... He's free to do whatever he likes. But, you're also free to chose not be around someone who choses to engage in unhealthy and illegal behaviors.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Thats a great idea. Thank you very much.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

Been there .... 
Why don't you ask him about how he feels ....about claiming to love you and then doing something that would hurt you...

You don't have to ask him to stop doing it.... It is all upto to him.
All you have to do is let him know it hurts you...If he really loves you he will stop


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