# Strip club...



## lostintranslation27 (May 5, 2012)

So Last year before we were married we both had bacholer and bacholerette parties the only thing is i was 5 months pregnant so going to the movies is not what i call a party... anyways my husband went out with some of his buddies i told him i didnt want him going to a strip club in my opion that is not how you celebrate getting married he promised me he wouldnt.... got home that night super drunk i asked him if he had gone he said no just went to the bar thats it.... I had no reason to doubt him he has always been honest with me and had made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that all he asked for was honesty.... Well guess what nine months later I find out he sure went to that stripclub..... Iam very hurt by this its not even the fact that he went yes it upsets me but what hurts the most is how he lied to me for so long and i never would of found out if his brother wouldnt of slipped up one night when we were drinking.... After constantly looking at me and saying i would never lie to you blah blah blah! He says he was sorry that he made a mistake and it will never happen again... but i dont know anymore it still bothers me and i found out two months ago now its everything i dont trust him i worry if he is cheating on me or lieing about something else.... how do i moive on from this? how do I trust him again?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I never mean to minimize, a concern is a concern.

But ...

Do try to maintain some perspective.

The man married you, and is having a child with you.

If you have trust issues with him beyond the scope of this event, that is one thing.

Is it important that you respect one another's boundaries? Yes.

Should the fact that he was taken to a strip club by his friends for his bachelor party, and didn't tell you the truth about it, be the hill upon which your marriage lives or dies? No.


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## lostintranslation27 (May 5, 2012)

Iam not saying my marriage should end... I just dont know how to trust him its the fact that he lied to me about it for nine months and now whenever its brought up all he says is i f***ed up its like he has no remorse for it he is only sorry he got caught.... and even now it still p**ses me off how do i get over it?


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah you have every right to be pissed off.. I would be. The fact that he doesn't even show remorse worries me, too. It was so easy for him to lie to you about the strip club, what else could he be lying to you about? He needs to know he has to earn back your trust, and it will probably take a long time to do that and a lot of effort on his part. But if you want to continue your marriage, you shouldn't continue to beat him up for it either (not saying that you are now).

Lying outright to your spouse like that is not okay.  Hope you guys can move past this.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Did you ask him everyday since then if he went? My guess is no. So he hasn't lied about it for 9 months. He lied about it once. It's not like an overdue library book - the late fee shouldn't keep going. Like Deejo, I am not trying to minimize it, just don't take the perspective that he's been lying about it the whole time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... He figures going out to the strippers wasn't wrong, and something he is entitled to do. He probably still feels that way. So he lied to you about going because he thought he'd just get a bunch of grief. He didn't/doesn't realize that lying about it was worse than actually doing it. 

It's the same reason why some guys lie about porn, or masturbating, or... To. The guy, it's no big deal. So lies to avoid getting in trouble. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Why does it piss you off?

What is the character of your husband aside from this event?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Did his friends basically force him to go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What IF he was TAKEN there by his buddies... I can easily see a bunch of dudes doing that against his will ...and your wishes.. what are these guys like ?? 

I am someone who has went with my husband to a strip club about 8 times in the past 4 yrs. (he never went in his youth, so we enjoyed it together a little in mid life - call me crazy, I thought it was FUN!!).... It was a higher class place... some women go with their guys... It is just visual entertainment. If you are very religious, I can see it being a huge deal, but like others are asking....how is his character outside of this one night? From your post, outside of this, he sounds great ! Still true? 

I am not for people lying to each other, I'm really not.... but when one draws their line in the sand & would destruct a relationship over it & where the other seriously doesn't see the harm in a couple hours of visual entertainment before he gets hitched in his last moments of freedom before the wedding... knowing he would be roasted over the flames if she found out after the fact....it just gets sticky...









And it may not even be his fault -- He might have been half drunk when they brought him there... the Club atmosphere is much safer than having strippers go to a Hotel room, something else to consider. 

I would sit him down, talk openly about that night, all that he remembers, allow him to vent - maybe he even wanted to get it off his chest...if so.. .this is a good sign. And if he is a good man...I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him those couple hours.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Wives need to stop putting strip clubs in the same category as sex clubs. You know what is the normal course of business? Guys spend a ton of money on drinks, one of the girls walks by and gets the stupid ones to order them a drink that costs $20 or more and the guy goes home broke and horny and jerks off while passing out on the toilet.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, now the whole thing is taboo.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> Wives need to stop putting strip clubs in the same category as sex clubs. You know what is the normal course of business? Guys spend a ton of money on drinks, one of the girls walks by and gets the stupid ones to order them a drink that costs $20 or more and the guy goes home broke and horny and jerks off while passing out on the toilet.


I didn't realize you came to my bachelor party


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I didn't realize you came to my bachelor party


In years past, I would have been the center of attention at any bachelor party.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think the main issue here is that the original poster's husband promised her before that he would not go to the strip club because it was their wedding and she expressly said that she did not want him to go.
He agreed , but broke his promise.
Even after breaking the promise he lied to her for quite a period of time.

The question in her mind is how can she now trust him with other things if he chose to break a promise and lie to her about something that was so important to her.

To him it was insignificant, but to her , 
It was.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A bachelor party is a little like your septic tank. There is one, you know about it, but you don't really want a lot of details. Your husband didn't plan or host his own bachelor party, so either he goes along with his buddies or he looks like a whipped dweeb. He's a guy. He'll occasionally do guy things. Don't want to hear lies? Don't insist that he behave like something he's not. Are you seriously threatened by a stripper? Or are you angry that he doesn't immediately and consistently obey your wishes?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sometimes the groom doesn't even get a say in it... Not saying breaking a promise is ok, but if he was basically pushed into it by his buddies it would be really hard to get off the hook right then and there.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Wow, yea...I would be pissed.

It would really be nothing to do with the strip club, and everything to do with:

1- If he wasn't anti-strip club, why didn't he stand up and say that before the bachelor party? A simple "I am not sure what my buddies have planned for me for that night, but the tradition usually includes a club and I don't want to tell them no." Would have kick started that conversation. Sure, maybe it would have been a fight, BUT I would bet you would have resolved that fight and still gotten married as he showed you he was a man who stands up for himself.

2 - Clearly he had no problem just keeping this from you indefinitely...what else does he hide?

For me, its really more about having the balls to just face the fact that yea, I am going to make her mad sometimes, this will be ugly...but we will work through it and it needs to be done. Lying indefinitely and rugsweeping are only digging the hole deeper, and IMO are wussy behaviors. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think the main issue here is that the original poster's husband promised her before that he would not go to the strip club because it was their wedding and she expressly said that she did not want him to go.
> He agreed , but broke his promise.
> Even after breaking the promise he lied to her for quite a period of time.
> 
> ...


 :iagree: Absolutely!

This isn't about the rights or wrongs of stripclubs.

They had an agreement. He broke this. Then lied to her... the actual issue is almost irrelevant in my view. 

I've been the one on the receiving end of those 'look you in the eye and swear their telling the truth' when it's all bull. It's not just the breaking of trust and the lie that hurts...it's the not being able to trust them in the future that is damaging to the relationship.

I do see how in the heat of the moment it wouldn't take much arm twisting to get a drinking bunch of guys into a strip club...even the ones who'd promised wives they wouldn't.

If that was the case he should have told her. Simple. She would have probably been pissed for a day and then ... move on. Instead all this time later it's still an issue.

The way this played out he comes across as a man who does keep his word and who lies.

OP - If your H is a good man please don't judge him on this one action. He was in the wrong IMO but we all make mistakes in life and hopefully we learn from them.

I hope your h learns the importance of honesty and integrity.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The man has been kicked out of the house and he's living in an RV. There is ample evidence to believe his wife is an over-the-top drama queen and someone's shocked that she gets lied to? Anyone would be eventually afraid to trust this emotional terrorist with the truth. Want to make sure you get lied to? Punish those who tell you the truth. The only thing hubby is learning is to walk on egg shells and become expert at concealing things that might make her unhappy. Trust isn't the same as blind obedience. He damned sure can't trust her enough to expose even the slightest flaw to her but she expects 100% honesty and obedience from him?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Men need to stop making excuses for their poor behaviour.
(And any woman who does it to).
It's not his mates fault. It's not her fault.

Men need to realise that honesty and trust are very important.

Also if men want to get married, but do not care enough about the woman they are marrying to do something simple, like not go to a strip club, then they shouldn't be getting married. 

Just because society has normalised strip clubs etc, does not make them good and healthy, and does not mean they have a rightful place in an intimate relationship.

Many women and men are concerned about their partners going to strip clubs, they shouldn't be dismissed because lots of other people think it's normal and OK.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> The man has been kicked out of the house and he's living in an RV. There is ample evidence to believe his wife is an over-the-top drama queen and someone's shocked that she gets lied to? Anyone would be eventually afraid to trust this emotional terrorist with the truth. Want to make sure you get lied to? Punish those who tell you the truth. The only thing hubby is learning is to walk on egg shells and become expert at concealing things that might make her unhappy. Trust isn't the same as blind obedience. He damned sure can't trust her enough to expose even the slightest flaw to her but she expects 100% honesty and obedience from him?


What a load of garbage!

Why is it that honesty and truth are only important as long as the man doesn't get any grief?

I see this time and time again on these boards... on one hand posters say honesty is everything in a marriage then in the next post someone like you says lying is no big deal and he only lies because she reacts in a way he doesn't like. 

If your not man enough to be honest with your spouse you shouldn't get married...leave it to the grown ups!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, if he was any kind of man, he wouldn't have lied and just said he was going or had gone.

And all you people who are making the OP feel stupid for being upset, shame shame. He broke a boundary that they agreed on. he was too big of a p8ssy to say otherwise. Sad.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Yes, he lied about the club and you have every right to be upset. My question is, why are you so down on the strip club? It's just a recreation like going to the movies. 99% of the time, nothing happens. The girls that work there only see dollar signs and couldn't care less about "hooking up."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Most of the time it doesn't seem like the strippers are the problem it's the act of disrespect that is.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your marriage started off with a lie. That's how mine started.

I asked my ex h not to leave me on our wedding night. He left anyways and I spent most if the reception time with the guests alone. That marriage did not last long at all. I never was able to get any truth from him.

My marriage with my current husband is so much different. He's very respectful and always puts my needs before his own. Neither of us would never go against either wishes. It's highly disrespectful.

I would suggest MC and IC if you want to stay in this marriage. Marriage is built on communication and trust.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Boogie - not all strip clubs are like that. Yes, there are some and those are the sleazier ones but I've definitely been in and worked in (server) where there was NO contact and definitely no masturbation. 

That being said, there are definitely some men who have issues with boundaries and physical contact outside of marriage that use the sleazier strip clubs as a sort of 'gateway' to other extramarital contact. Even as a server, I had to remind a few of the patrons that touching wasn't permitted.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Boogie - I'm going to say a prayer for you . I hope you find some peace. It's clear that you've been hurt by someone who had no respect for you, your marriage and family and for that I'm sorry you are going through such pain.

For me, I was very grateful for employment that allowed me to go to school during the day to better my future and spend some time in the evenings with my daughters. If it hadn't been for the tips that helped fund my education, I might not have had some of the amazing opportunities I have had. 

In addition, I got to know some wonderful women who were beautiful dancers and not prostitutes and did not behave in such a way. Many of them also were saving for school or having hard times financially.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

As a man I am offended by how defensive guys are about strip clubs. I have been to a few and I wouldn't go if I were in a relationship or getting married. It's simple. I wouldn't want my woman going to a strip club. You think I would just rationalize it as not being sex and shrugging it off? I don't want some dude shaking his d!ck in my girlfriend's face and plopping it on her forehead while her and her girlfriends giggle about it hysterically. I also don't want to imagine a man dry humping her. With that being said, it is completely disrespectful for me to think it's ok for a lady besides my SO to be rubbing her breast against me or grinding me. If my guy friends wanted to treat me to that I would refuse it. I stopped being single the moment I was in a committed relationship. Why would I do something like that and start my marriage on a lie or on something I can never speak of to my wife? Who the hell ever thought that was a good idea???


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yes he lied. He should have admitted what he did.

BUT 

The point is that people have different points of view in regards to strippers. The OP's husband probably has no problem with strippers and doesn't agree with the wife's issue with them.

So he lied.

Same as a wife that is asked where she was and she replies that she stopped at Costco. When in fact she also stopped at Starbucks. She lies about Starbucks because she knows her husband has a problem with her stopping there and spending money on an expensive coffee.

She doesn't agree with him and so she lies to him to avoid an argument over something they don't agree to.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> So this is exactly what my wonderful therapist has tried to tell me in so many way.... I would never have been able to choose someone like you! :scratchhead:
> 
> How lucky for your partner! (Oh course, this is exactly what my horrible hubby would have said to me:rofl
> 
> Oh, well. Some pick well - like your partner and some just live on planet chaos - like me. Didn't know I did, but was living there - with strippers and porn and hookers.


I'm sorry, did I offend you:scratchhead:? I'm single btw I was speaking about just how I feel about it

EDIT: I read your other posts. I thought what I said upset you. I thank you for your kind words. Men are pigs for sure but I just find something like that that is socially accepted to be a horrible way to start off a marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Men are damn fools to lie about going to the strip club. If a man does, and sees no big deal about it, than he should be upfront. That way a woman can decide whether that's something she can live with, or not.

Having said that, they hyperbolic reaction a lot of women have to men going to strip clubs is the reason so many of them tuck tail between their cowardly legs and keep their mouths shut, or flat out lie. Most men don't equate going to a club with cheating, but that doesn't seem to stop most women from flying off the handle like watching strippers is the same as hiring a hooker.

Some guys just need to man up. Don't promise that you won't go to clubs if you damn well know you will. It's the same with porn, if you don't have a problem with it, be straight up. A woman doesn't have to accept your view, and she can very well chose to find another man who shares that view, but don't lie about it, or feign shame and guilt if it's not genuine.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Yes he lied. He should have admitted what he did.
> 
> BUT
> 
> ...


No it would be the same as if a wife went to go ogle at naked men and possible had them grind all over her NOT the same as her buying a coffee.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

And this is why you should sometimes read the OP's previous issues before commenting:

*dont really know where to begin but i deff need some advice.... me and my husband have curently been married for five months and together for ten months... when we first got married it was great but now iam beginning to wonder if i got married for all the wrong reasons and iam scared i made a big mistake. He is 20years older then me and iam starting to think the age difference is to much.... He is always tired never wants to do anything exciting.... when we first were together we got along great we were so similar or so i thought but the longer we have been together the more i see i was wrong... i just dont know what to do hoping someone on here has some advice on how to make a marriage last*

This person is stringing up her husband for lying about a bachelor party strip club visit he made almost a year ago, meanwhile she is thinks she might have married him for all the wrong reasons, and seems to totally regret becoming his wife because he's not "exciting" enough for her.

I think the OP might be just looking for excuses to drop her middle aged husband, and the stripper club confession is the grounds she needs to feel justified in walking out on her marriage.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Y'all should go together.
Seriously. You are a woman, they will treat you like royalty and then your man will come home with you thinking "I have the coolest wife in the world"


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> And this is why you should sometimes read the OP's previous issues before commenting:
> 
> *dont really know where to begin but i deff need some advice.... me and my husband have curently been married for five months and together for ten months... when we first got married it was great but now iam beginning to wonder if i got married for all the wrong reasons and iam scared i made a big mistake. He is 20years older then me and iam starting to think the age difference is to much.... He is always tired never wants to do anything exciting.... when we first were together we got along great we were so similar or so i thought but the longer we have been together the more i see i was wrong... i just dont know what to do hoping someone on here has some advice on how to make a marriage last*
> 
> ...


WOW. Jaquen I appreciate your perception and leg work. I agree with you %100 about the OP. She doesn't want to think about why she doesn't want the marriage. I could be wrong but she may have threw out something he did wrong and will let us fan the flames enough to where she feels justified for leaving the marriage. And then that will be her reason and she'll never had to own up to her marrying for the wrong reasons.

How sad for both of you. But probably he still wants to be married. What is he well off or something?


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> After D day- my father asked me why he did what he did: My answer was that he said it was recreation. You know, like when you go fishing dad - he had strippers hump him and he fondled their bodies all over their bodies and had tons of lap dances and watched them masterbate themselves and then he masterbated himself and then he progressed to massage parlors and had intercourse with prostitutes in every way possible and they also showered him...that is what he said...it was recreation. He also said it was like me watching The Mentalist (my favorite show) on TV... Are you my husband?


I can tell you with confidence that most strip clubs are nothing like what you've described. In fact, if you touch a girl, you'll be thrown out and possibly beaten up. The only strip clubs that are liberal with their policies are in Las Vegas, during the AEE P0rn convention.

I can't speak about Massage parlors because I've never been, but I have heard MANY stories from those that have... and no. I am not your Husband.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> I can tell you with confidence that most strip clubs are nothing like what you've described. In fact, if you touch a girl, you'll be thrown out and possibly beaten up. The only strip clubs that are liberal with their policies are in Las Vegas, during the AEE P0rn convention.
> 
> I can't speak about Massage parlors because I've never been, but I have heard MANY stories from those that have... and no. I am not your Husband.


Thank you. I have no idea what Boogie is talking about either. I have quite a few friends who go to the clubs, and not a single one of them frequent clubs where you can do what she's talking about.

I think her extreme perspective might be based off her obvious pain, and some rather outdated club rules. Perhaps the atmosphere her male friends describe are clubs as they were decades ago?


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Not a big deal really. Forgive and forget.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

just because someone doesn't like a partners behavior, it shouldn't be a given, feeling that way will or should equal a change. People have to decide how important that behavior is to them and weigh it against losing your partner. You may just decide to find someone who loves you just the way you are and not the way they imagine you to be. As the "offended" one, you also have a choice too. get over it or find someone who ALREADY behave the way you want instead of the way you hope.

The only thing your husband did that was wrong was lie to you. There is nothing wrong with him going to the strip club and there is nothing wrong with you abhorring it. You are in a quandary, aren't you.


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## JUDGEDREAD (Nov 3, 2012)

DevistatedDad said:


> Y'all should go together.
> Seriously. You are a woman, they will treat you like royalty and then your man will come home with you thinking "I have the coolest wife in the world"


I agree....
I have only been to two strip clubs with my fiance..and he's only went one time without me in vegas that I know of anyways. I really don't mind too much as I know he's not a creeper or the type that wants to womanize random chicks. Although it is inherant that we ALL have that little worry in the back of our heads. A bit of insecurity. I won't deny that especially when I am not there. Women throw themselves at my Fiance and well, I trust him but surely I wonder if one day he'd find someone he thinks is so hot that he can't stop thinking about her. 

In that aspect chicks flirt with guys, and guys flirt with chicks. I'd be lying if I didn't say it fluffed my ego to get hit on by a good looking guy once in awhile. That doesn't mean I'd ever persue, it just makes me feel appealing to others which means my man isn't lying that he thinks I'm sexy. I think guys like that ego fluff just as much.

Alas that being said it all depends on your views of that stuff. I watch porn sometimes with my man. I don't feel he fantisizes about girls, but it is fun to see scenarios acted out just like some chicks get off on watching Twilight (Really....which I think is fruity as hell).

The more you restrict a man from some things the more he will feel the need to lie about it. If you go with him even better..you will feel better too. Let him go once in a while...a bachelor party is sterotypical for the boys to want to bring them to a titty bar. But if he is a regular (once a month or more, alone) I would definately not approve. 

All men are different. You need to talk to yours and tell him how it makes you feel. Then ask him what it is about a strip club that makes him want to go. Men are different, no doubt...but if they had more Chippendales around, no doubt I'd like to go once in awhile with the girls for ****s and giggles. It's not wrong to admire someone else's features unless begin to covet.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If my partner needs me to go to strip clubs in order to think I'm cool or sexy then I'm afraid he wouldn't be the right type ofan for me. 

It's not cool or sexy IMO, it's lowering your standards and for many people it would be doing something totally against your morals and instincts just to keep some one else happy. 
That's not ok. But I have seen quite a few wen and men do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

When H feels the need to see a stripper, he knows exactly what songs to play and where to put his chair! Problem solved!!! 

His thoughts on strip clubs: they're full of nothing but money hungry vipers! He'd rather give the $$ to me, he then has a better chance of getting some of it back. Lol! Well that is if I'm willing to part with it.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

He didn't tell you because he knew you don't approve. I say let it go, but only after you (calmly) tell him and don't he dare do it again behind your back now that you're married. It was his bachelor party. We're all different, but my fiance just expected that the boys would be taking me to the peelers. It's just one one time thing that most guys do before getting married. If he's going while married, that's another thing all together.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> He didn't tell you because he knew you don't approve. I say let it go, but only after you (calmly) tell him and don't he dare do it again behind your back now that you're married. It was his bachelor party. We're all different, but my fiance just expected that the boys would be taking me to the peelers. It's just one one time thing that most guys do before getting married. *If he's going while married, that's another thing all together.*


Me going single and me going while in a relationship is another thing all together.


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