# Sex is not important



## eagle (Oct 12, 2010)

Hello,

After having some arguments and coming to agreements as to the way forward my wife and I have been spending more time together (from her insisting, last year when i asked to spend more time she wants up to it). Now when we start cuddling and i kissing her more passionately, she stops me and says sex is not important. 

How does one restore the passion that was there? Is it merely ensuring that the so-called love bank is filled on both sides?

Any replies with experiences with this situation would be welcome. I feel that sex is an indicator of the status of the marriage. 

thanks
c


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

If sex wasn't important there wouldn't be any difference between room mates and lovers. Sex is vital to maintaining the pair bond, without it your marriage is dead in the long term. 

You need to find the root cause of her lack of interest. It could be medical (the pill for example), psychological or, worst case scenario emotional. That is she is involved with someone else or is not in love with you.

You need to make sure she understands that your marriage is at stake and then eliminate all the above until you find the cause.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Depends on how often you're having sex. Sex is important in a marriage because it'll eventually cause resentment and anger in the partner who doesn't get sex. 

Some people are happy with having sex once a month and they're fine, that's because they aren't highly sexual people. Others will be displeased and frustrated when their partner "only" wants sex 3 times a week while they want it every day. Sex drives and the way people see sex are as different as the personalities of the people on this planet. The same can be said about problems people have with sex. There are many, many flavors of them and reasons why people say pass, claim sex is not important and so on. 

Could be that she's still deep down angry. She may have felt rejected. She may not trust you. She may be too stressed out. She may be emotionally disconnected. She might not be attracted to you. There are many more to add to this list. These are just examples and despite us being "primitive" as needs (eat, sleep, drink, screw) our mind is quite complex. Ex : if stress can cut your appetite and make you eat much much less, it can obviously have the exact same impact on your sex drive. 

For some odd reason, people refuse to believe this scenario and claim it's not possible (aka 
"if stress doesn't affect my drive, then my partner is exactly the same"). 

What were those arguments in the past about? Who wanted to spend more time together, you or her? How was your sex life before all this? Retrace your steps, figure out what might be bothering her but don't pressure her for sex. If you want to do anything about it while working out the problem and understanding "why", the best thing you can do is make yourself more attractive and interesting to her, preferably keeping a mild distance. Just my view on things.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Sex is extremely important! It's a barometer of the relationship. Your wife may be resenting you and this is her way of hurting her husband. I don't blame you for being distressed. 
With respect to the Love Banks, pay attention to the way your wife expresses and receives love. Give your wife the love she needs in the best language for her to understand. Maybe she needs more romance.
Have an honest discussion about the consequences of not making love. Your needs should be met as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A spouse who refuses to have sex is about as interesting as a car without an engine. I would consider an engine a rather important component for an automobile. While, it's perfectly legal and acceptable to own a disabled car one's entire life, what would be the point? Without an engine, it's not really a car, but a disappointing fraud and when sex is deliberately withheld, a mate isn't really a mate.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

jamesa said:


> If sex wasn't important there wouldn't be any difference between room mates and lovers. Sex is vital to maintaining the pair bond, without it your marriage is dead in the long term.


The trouble with a blanket statement like this is that it makes your definition of marriage the only one that is legitimate and that certainly isn't the case.

Your definition cuts out a whole lot of married people for whom sex is difficult if not impossible. Those with illnesses, handicaps, psychological disorders and the aged.

These people love each other, are loyal and devoted and have marriages that work.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Sex consummates the marriage.

Consummation makes the marriage valid.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

eagle said:


> Hello,
> 
> After having some arguments and coming to agreements as to the way forward my wife and I have been spending more time together (from her insisting, last year when i asked to spend more time she wants up to it). Now when we start cuddling and i kissing her more passionately, she stops me and says sex is not important.
> 
> How does one restore the passion that was there? Is it merely ensuring that the so-called love bank is filled on both sides?


I think the love bank DOES need to be full. BUT on the flip side, she can't be allowed to dismiss sex as unimportant. It is important to YOU, and that makes it important. I would grab her by the collar, look her square in the face, and let her know that sex is important to YOU and you are not going to tolerate the dismissal forever. Eventually that WILL be a deal breaker. (I am assuming that you would not stay forever with someone who does not take that part of the relationship seriously.) Make it clear to her that you are in the game to do whatever it takes to restore passion, but that you Will Not live forever in a marriage in which sex is considered unimportant. 

Nip it in the bud now.
Good luck.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

eagle said:


> Hello,
> 
> After having some arguments and coming to agreements as to the way forward my wife and I have been spending more time together (from her insisting, last year when i asked to spend more time she wants up to it). Now when we start cuddling and i kissing her more passionately, she stops me and says sex is not important.
> 
> ...


Sorry, there's a little misunderstanding between you and your wife and I'd like to make her words a little clear for you.

Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

______________________
Got it?


----------



## eagle (Oct 12, 2010)

Its strange how things change

I went to gym after work, wife couldnt make it. When i got home bathed and I starting to wash dishes. Wife came up from behind, hugged me. Saw the reaction it had on me...and well...the rest is up to the imagination. 

I am starting to learn (2.5 years into marriage) that it is important to nip things in the bud (as @vthomeschoolmom says) before they drag on and become full of resentment. 

thanks for the support
c


----------

