# This article could have been written by my wife



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn't Fair

The author sounds like my wife - she admits she would get upset over trivial things that her husband did while he wouldn't get upset over things that she did. This is how we mostly used to be until recently - I couldn't drive the car without her complaining about how I wasn't driving correctly, didn't park in the correct spot, etc. Changing diapers - you're not doing it correctly. Kids were whiny when I got home from work - my fault because I wasn't there to help her (after she's had them for about an hour when she got home from work). On and on. Then she would complain how bad her head hurt - gee whiz, I wonder why. Meanwhile, I'd take the kids out to the park to play and we'd have a great time without Mommy. Mommy would go out - Daddy has it under control. Daddy not home? Mommy stressed out that she has to do it all and mad at Daddy. 

Now it's mostly different - she's either wised up that I know what I'm doing or realized that she was being unreasonable (she's hinted at this). Still has her occasional moments, but for the most part, she has improved.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Great article.

I have bookmarked it for potential forwarding.

For any of you that watch “Modern Family,”
Claire Dunphy fits my wife to a T.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is a good article.

But I would tell you the first time my wife berated me for getting the wrong percent hamburger would be the last time I would stop at the store for her.

The guy is a total nice guy.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This has been a problem in our M for years. I do not understand why my wife gets so caught up in the thick of thin things. 

I am not driving correctly? Allow me to stop so we can switch places.

I did not get the right brand at the store? Go yourself next time.

You do not like the way I load the dishwasher? Who gives a phuck do it yourself.

I could go on but you get the picture. I think she knows I could care less what her opinion is on the trivial matters of life.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife would get all worked up over stuff that I would venture to guess most of us would deem trivial. One time a couple of years ago, we took the kids to the grocery store, and she blew a gasket because I missed a parking spot that she wanted and instead parked a few feet further away. Another time, took the kids to an event to meet some friends, and she blew up because I couldn't find a place to park. My favorite was her getting mad at me because I couldn't find something that she left at the babysitter's house - she told the sitter that she was mad at me and the sitter replied "why are you mad at Charlie, you're the one that left it here". I could have the kids all weekend, and we'd have no problems. She would have them for an hour, and I would catch hell when I got home because they were acting like the two year olds they were and I wasn't home to help. Important client meeting? I don't care, the kids are whiny and you're not here to help me. 

I was in total nice guy mode back then - don't rock the boat because you'll only make it worse, etc. Last year around this time starting pushing back, and noticed that she did better when I did this. I still have my nice guy issues, but I'm not as bad as I was, and neither is she for the most part.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

RClawson said:


> This has been a problem in our M for years. I do not understand why my wife gets so caught up in the thick of thin things.
> 
> I am not driving correctly? Allow me to stop so we can switch places.
> 
> ...


_And you wonder why you have marital problems . . ._


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I have had this problem in my marriage too. I think part of the solution is not just pushing back but about HOW you push back. Getting defensive and argumentative can just fuel the flames, as your spouse, already likely a controlling personality, will feel threatened and challenged and feel the need to only further assert her(him)self. 

When you can be firm and calm, it always helps. Don't attack your spouse personally. You can say things like "this is how I load the dishwasher, and as long as I am the one loading the dishwasher, I'm going to do it the way I think is best. I understand that you have another way in mind, but I'm going to do it my way. If you want it done your way, you can feel free to do it yourself." The more confident and calm you are, the better s/he will likely respond. If you have trouble doing this, try to figure out why you are so afraid of your spouse and her/his disapproval, and work on that. She may yell over a parking space, but she's not going to stab you or leave you over it, so you don't have to get so anxious about it.

Also, it's important to sometimes acknowledge that they ARE right about certain things -- we can tend to get so defensive that we disregard EVERYTHING that our nitpicky spouse says. "You're right, I shouldn't have put the cereal in the cabinet like that where it was likely to fall as soon as someone opened the door."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like your response, John Lee. I think adding, "Help me understand why doing it this way is so important to you," could help, too.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

It's been the opposite in my marriage. He's the nitpicker.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

jld said:


> I like your response, John Lee. I think adding, "Help me understand why doing it this way is so important to you," could help, too.


That's good, I like that. Like sometimes, your spouse actually does know better how to put on the diapers so they don't leak or chafe or whatever, and that matters. I don't believe in "never correct your spouse." Sometimes, I happen to know better about something too, for that matter. I imagine that the wife perceived as "nitpicky" can grow to feel "My husband never listens to anything I tell him!" and that may only make her anxious and spur her on more. So listening when there's a legitimate reason is a good idea.

On the other hand, some things just don't matter -- I have a preferred way of loading the dishwasher, but I haven't seen evidence that dishes don't get clean if you do it a different way, so I'd never tell my wife she has to do it my way. And I think it's important not to yield on every single insignificant thing (even if it doesn't always matter), just for the sake of maintaining your sense of dignity. I don't think you should load the dishwasher the way someone else tells you just to placate them etc. Give in sometimes, but not on everything.

That said, if you're the critical spouse, you should still examine whether some of your criticisms are worth it. Ok, your husband forgot to get one thing on a 50-item grocery list. Is that thing important or essential to have for the next week? Will your family go hungry because you only have grapeseed oil in the house and not olive oil? Have you ever made a similar mistake, and can you try to remember that and be forgiving?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with most of your last post, John. I will tell you that both Dug and I often yield to each other on insignificant things, and even significant things sometimes. If it not life-threatening, nor illegal, nor unhealthy, then why not? To us, at least, it communicates love in action.

And I think a lot of young women are controlling. I think it goes especially with young mother territory. 

When I look back I realize how hard I made life on myself because of being so picky. I could not see it then, though. I thought I was just doing my best for my family.

Dug gave in when it did not matter to him, and held his ground when he thought it was important. 

I think a couple needs to have a team mentality. What is the best thing for the team? Not How can I show him/her who is the boss.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think that there is a point at which the person who is the less "controlling" of the two has to not give in on principal on some points. If one spouse is nearly always deciding how every little thing is done, it's just a bad dynamic and leads to a feeling of lack of equality in the relationship. So while I generally agree that it can be good to give in sometimes when it doesn't really "matter," if you're always the one giving in it can lead to a bad dynamic.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think having valid reasons for not giving in will usually win respect, as is will saying, honestly, I just do not have the energy to do it any other way right now.

I think anything done out of pure pride is likely to lead to a power struggle, and resentment.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

jld said:


> I think having valid reasons for not giving in will usually win respect, as is will saying, honestly, I just do not have the energy to do it any other way right now.
> 
> I think anything done out of pure pride is likely to lead to a power struggle, and resentment.


Sometimes the other spouse has already initiated the power struggle by making the comment.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Sometimes the other spouse has already initiated the power struggle by making the comment.


And so then you can deescalate it with a sincere, "Help me understand."


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jld said:


> _And you wonder why you have marital problems . . ._


He knows why. His wife is a nag.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jld said:


> I like your response, John Lee. I think adding, "Help me understand why doing it this way is so important to you," could help, too.


When someone is nitpicking at you like Rclawson's wife is, this won't help. My x-wife sounds a lot like his.

I tried being calm cool and collected and it actually made it worse.

I would have done something like not clean the microwave to her satisfaction and if she complained, I remember asking "how should I do it?" in a inquisitive manner, not snarky.

I got back something to the effect of "it doesn't take a brainiac to know how to do this right".

So the only solution was to simply take it and say nothing unless I wanted a huge blow up.

So wanting to genuinely know didn't help.

The way RClawson describes how his wife talks to him, its all too familiar. She is a nag and nothing is going to help. Next time she criticizes his driving he just needs to calmly pull over and say, "we are switching places, you can drive" 

When a person like RC's wife berates him like she does, nothing is going to help unless she has some magical grand revelation that she is treating him like crap. The only way I can imagine me treating someone in a relationship like that is if I simply was annoyed at their very presence.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My was like that to a certain degree. I was labeled a roller and not a folder when it came to folding the laundry. Since then I do not handle the laundry. I'll carry the basket to the laundry room and help put away the clean laundry but I'll be darned to fold any of it. 

Helping in the kitchen was another area I was brow beaten for not doing it right. Eventually I walked away from that as well. But, over time that was ironed out. And, I ask my W if I really do not know how she wants something done for the cooking of the meal. 

She did eventually have that ah ha moment and has been much better.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

vellocet said:


> When someone is nitpicking at you like Rclawson's wife is, this won't help. My x-wife sounds a lot like his.
> 
> I tried being calm cool and collected and it actually made it worse.
> 
> ...


Like you, I've tried the calm and cool method, and didn't work. She would just nitpick to death and get worked up in a lather about little things - this was only with me, nobody else. She's very insecure, and wants to be liked, so if anyone else changed diapers like I did, that's OK - if anyone else was driving and missed a close spot, that's OK. If it was me changing diapers or driving, then it's nuclear. 

With us, this happened after the kids arrived. Suddenly she's Super Mom, and she has this idiot in her house who can't do anything. Forget the fact that this idiot can take the kids to a restaurant or the park or have them at home by myself and do just fine while she has them for an hour and is stressed out beyond belief and mad that she's not getting any help - she's the only one that knows what they're doing. She would get home when I've had the kids all day and all would be well - I'd get home after she's had them for a little bit and I'm in trouble because the kids are whiny. Yet I'm the idiot and she's Super Mom.

Again, she still has her moments, but all in all she had something of a revelation. Our sitter tells me that in the old days, the wife would constantly ***** about me and how I couldn't do anything right - now she doesn't hear that.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Like you, I've tried the calm and cool method, and didn't work. She would just nitpick to death and get worked up in a lather about little things - this was only with me, nobody else. She's very insecure, and wants to be liked, so if anyone else changed diapers like I did, that's OK - if anyone else was driving and missed a close spot, that's OK. If it was me changing diapers or driving, then it's nuclear.
> 
> With us, this happened after the kids arrived. Suddenly she's Super Mom, and she has this idiot in her house who can't do anything. Forget the fact that this idiot can take the kids to a restaurant or the park or have them at home by myself and do just fine while she has them for an hour and is stressed out beyond belief and mad that she's not getting any help - she's the only one that knows what they're doing. She would get home when I've had the kids all day and all would be well - I'd get home after she's had them for a little bit and I'm in trouble because the kids are whiny. Yet I'm the idiot and she's Super Mom.
> 
> Again, she still has her moments, but all in all she had something of a revelation. Our sitter tells me that in the old days, the wife would constantly ***** about me and how I couldn't do anything right - now she doesn't hear that.


There's a good chance she was acting that way toward you precisely BECAUSE she was insecure about her mothering. As a woman, she feels she's supposed to be the expert on that, just as many men might feel they're the expert on home improvement. Yet she found herself struggling, so to regain her footing and her standing as #1 parent, she would criticize you. Doesn't make it right, but might explain it. Sort of like a guy who can't take the fact that his wife knows her way around a drill and starts criticizing her technique when she's installing shelves.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

my ex would get upset if I DIDNT argue back to her and acused me of "not fighting for our marriage."
I told her I was not going to fight unless it was something important.

oh boy


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

John Lee said:


> There's a good chance she was acting that way toward you precisely BECAUSE she was insecure about her mothering. As a woman, she feels she's supposed to be the expert on that, just as many men might feel they're the expert on home improvement. Yet she found herself struggling, so to regain her footing and her standing as #1 parent, she would criticize you. Doesn't make it right, but might explain it. Sort of like a guy who can't take the fact that his wife knows her way around a drill and starts criticizing her technique when she's installing shelves.


Think that's exactly it - think it also bothered her that I could have the kids for a long time and have no issues while she has them and is stressed out. She was afraid to critique someone like her sister (a PITA drama queen) because she didn't want to upset her. Didn't worry about that with me. Going to a restaurant was an adventure - she was on Defcon 1 stress level because she was afraid the kids would act up. 

Note that she'd also nitpick if I was trying to fix something in the house - I'd tell her to let me do it and she'd get mad, saying I won't listen to her, etc. 

I think this applies to a lot of people - don't want to pick on my wife. There are others that posted to this thread, and the writer of the original article, that have lived this. It takes an epiphany of some sort for them to realize that their spouse may be doing a good job and can handle things.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Think that's exactly it - think it also bothered her that I could have the kids for a long time and have no issues while she has them and is stressed out. She was afraid to critique someone like her sister (a PITA drama queen) because she didn't want to upset her. Didn't worry about that with me. Going to a restaurant was an adventure - she was on Defcon 1 stress level because she was afraid the kids would act up.


To be fair though, were the kids with her a lot more than they were with you? It's easy to have one nice afternoon at the park, harder to be with them all the time -- very draining. Always a good idea to have some empathy for her rather than feeling too superior too easily.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

John Lee said:


> To be fair though, were the kids with her a lot more than they were with you? It's easy to have one nice afternoon at the park, harder to be with them all the time -- very draining. Always a good idea to have some empathy for her rather than feeling too superior too easily.


I'd have them in the morning to take to the sitter, then she'd usually pick up from sitter around 4:15. I'd get home around 5:30 (give or take). I rarely went anywhere without the kids besides work because I knew how stressed she would get. I'd encourage her to go out with her friends so we could get a break. Weekends I'd take them out all day to the park to play - she didn't go with us.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

jld said:


> _And you wonder why you have marital problems . . ._


Brilliant. How long did it take you to generate this analysis?


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