# Confused! Don't wanna beg him, but don't wanna let it go!



## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

*PLEASE ADVISE! Any advice is good for me!?!? Clock is ticking, he'll be back Monday!!* 

Been married to a military man 2 years this Sept. He just returned from deployment and came back a changed man. He was very emotionally abusive and made me cry all the time. I contemplated leaving him multiple times, but I always hung in there. There was some domestic violence and he said when he came back he realized that that's something he'll never be able to forgive himself for doing.

The past month has been rough. He came back changed for the better being sweet and letting us socialize instead of being in our own little bubble all the time like we used to be. Long story short, lack of not having friends, hobbies or any family around made me very bitter and angry to the point where he told me from one day to another that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore.

He said he can't put up with my negativity, nothing makes me happy that he's tried and he doesn't see it getting better. That he's been unhappy but hasn't been able to tell me. That he doesn't want to be with me anymore. YET he tried to fix the situation days before by having sex with me in hopes of having kids. 

I don't get it, I know I have to change...he left to L.A two days ago. First day he turned off his phone completely, today phone is on but not answering any calls. He's visiting family. I want to change I want to make it work, I don't want him to leave I know we can fix this...I'm willing to do anything. How do I make him understand that...and maybe get him to give me another chance?:scratchhead:

PLEASE ADVISE! Any advice is good for me!?!? Clock is ticking, he'll be back Monday!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

No men want to be with a negative woman. Please understand this. 

I don't have friends in my real life, I just go on forums, and it has given me a lot of pleasure. 

Short term goal, keep him first, when he is with you, make your house very neat and comfortable. Cook him good food if you know how to cook, if you don't know, learn from cookbooks, at least let him know you are trying. a lot of sex, wild sex, gets him tired, he doesn't even have energy thinking about anything else. Smile, smile every day, be happy, if he is there with you, won't you be happy. So be happy. No one wants to be around a person who is unhappy. I don't like to be around unhappy people for too long. They drag me down. 

Long term goal, learn to be content. If today we have healthy, we have money to buy food, clothes, and pay rent, we should be happy. 

For that, please come to the forum more often, we talk a lot about life here!!!


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Has he had any counseling? Post traumatic stress syndrome is possible and some soldiers never recover even though they appear to have up days from time to time. It kind of sounds like he's looking to you for more joy in his life but even though he's experienced some difficult experiences, he has to remember that a relationship is a two way street. 
Try to figure out the real reasons why you weren't happy... it sounds like you love him but also sounds like you have some resentment issues about the overall lifestyle holding you back. 
Ask him for a last ditch effort to correct things but recruit his help and try to agree to work as a team. Don't put all of the blame on yourself - especially if he was emotionally abusive to you. Ask him if he thinks its possible to forgive one another and try to wipe the slate clean with some couples counseling - chances are the military will even pick up the tab if he was deployed. Show some compassion for his mental state and for your own - you guys have been through a ton but hopefully the love that binded you in the start is strong enough to endure and rekindle after lifes trials.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Greenpearl, why must you work so hard to make your husband love you? I don't think it necessary. 
You know I don't work my ass off, and I don't swallow semen like you do. 
My husband loves me, spoil me and he doesn't even request me to do house work because he knows I'm not good at housekeepings and am very forgetful. When it's time to have sex, he wanted me to relax and enjoy his service. I was not expected to give him blow job because he always tells me, am his wife, all what he wants is to see I'm happy. I do cook his dinner during the weekdays. In the weekends, he cooks for me and prepares me super breakfast with a cup of hot cafe latte and he wants to cook in the weekends for the family otherwise we will go out to eat. He always said he's a lucky man to be my husband and he loves me very much. I mean your approach to win a man's love is too painstaking. Does your husband still love you if you don't work hard to please him? When a man loves a woman, he can give his all to that woman. I don't mean to take his love for 
Granted but your approach is a bit old Chinese thinking. Nowadays even in taiwan, many women prefer "New Good Men", who are happy to share house work and cooking.
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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Greenpearl, why must you work so hard to make your husband love you? I don't think it necessary.
> You know I don't work my ass off, and I don't swallow semen like you do.
> My husband loves me, spoil me and he doesn't even request me to do house work because he knows I'm not good at housekeepings and am very forgetful. When it's time to have sex, he wanted me to relax and enjoy his service. I was not expected to give him blow job because he always tells me, am his wife, all what he wants is to see I'm happy. I do cook his dinner during the weekdays. In the weekends, he cooks for me and prepares me super breakfast with a cup of hot cafe latte and he wants to cook in the weekends for the family otherwise we will go out to eat. He always said he's a lucky man to be my husband and he loves me very much. I mean your approach to win a man's love is too painstaking. Does your husband still love you if you don't work hard to please him? When a man loves a woman, he can give his all to that woman. I don't mean to take his love for
> Granted but your approach is a bit old Chinese thinking. Nowadays even in taiwan, many women prefer "New Good Men", who are happy to share house work and cooking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ms, you are lucky for having a man like that. 

I am happy doing what I am doing. It is not tiring for me at all. I enjoy what I am doing. And what I am doing is making my husband very happy. My goal is to make my husband happy, if he is happy, I am happy. Maybe you don't understand, but please remember, this is my life. I am happy doing what I am doing. You can live the kind of life you live, I won't question you anything.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

LOL you were suggesting the thread creator to do like you when her man made her cry everyday... Because of domestic violence. She's obviously not that happy as you're. I'm only speaking out my mind providing her an idea.
And yes I'm lucky, are you saying you're not lucky so you have to work hard to please your husband to make sure he would love you back? Including you're suffering from domestic violence? Just my wondering... No offence.
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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

lovelieswithin

He refuses to go to any counseling for marriage. He doesn't believe in psychiatrists or any of that stuff. I've gone to counseling for myself when he was deployed so that I could cope with his emotional abuse, that's why I'm still here.  It helped me, but now I think we need to help eachother. I know he looks to me for more happiness, it's just that I've been caught up in all the negativity and yes, resentment that I think I drove him away. I just want to get it together and get my happy life back...with him! I know I am capable of change! I'm still going to hang on to the little hope I have.


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> No men want to be with a negative woman. Please understand this.
> 
> I don't have friends in my real life, I just go on forums, and it has given me a lot of pleasure.
> 
> ...



I agree with you 100% about the the longterm goal, as far as the short term ones, I was pretty much doing that already except showing that I was happy every chance I got.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lola09, pls understand no man on earth has a right to lay a finger on you or emotionally abuse you. I truely wish you seek protection if you notice the signs of violence.
Domestic violence when happened once, usually get twice and then, it becomes his style to harm you physically. Pls take good care of yourself as you know your husband doesn't really care about how you feel and he doesn't respect you. When a man has changed and showed you a sign of violence. You want to cope with him carefully if there's still hope. Do you know what made him change?
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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Is there someone else involved on his end?

Honestly every time on this board someone says a spouse "suddenly changed" on them, there's almost always someone else in the picture.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> LOL you were suggesting the thread creator to do like you when her man made her cry everyday... Because of domestic violence. She's obviously not that happy as you're. I'm only speaking out my mind providing her an idea.
> And yes I'm lucky, are you saying you're not lucky so you have to work hard to please your husband to make sure he would love you back? Including you're suffering from domestic violence? Just my wondering... No offence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll let you be happy!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lola09, I know you love your husband very much and you want to find a way to make him come back to love you. I'd like to tell you a little about domestic violence. When my ex first time physically harmed me, he also said he never forgave his wrong doing, so he kneeled down to me, begging for forgiveness. Then it happened another three times before I filed the divorce. You can improve yourself for your husband, being more positive and loving meanwhile you want to be careful paying attention to any sign of violence.
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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Is there someone else involved on his end?
> 
> Honestly every time on this board someone says a spouse "suddenly changed" on them, there's almost always someone else in the picture.


I asked him to tell me honestly, he said no there was nobody else. I have access to all our stuff, he doesn't have any passcodes I don't know. We are open about everything because there is nothing to hide. 

His sudden change was due to a year in Iraq. He said he had a lot of time to think. I found his journal and I read it, he wrote down some really beautiful things to me...never showed me it, doesn't know I read it either.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I'll let you be happy!


???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> lola09, I know you love your husband very much and you want to find a way to make him come back to love you. I'd like to tell you a little about domestic violence. When my ex first time physically harmed me, he also said he never forgave his wrong doing, so he kneeled down to me, begging for forgiveness. Then it happened another three times before I filed the divorce. You can improve yourself for your husband, being more positive and loving meanwhile you want to be careful paying attention to any sign of violence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The first time it happened, he said it wouldn't happen again. The second time, I defended myself so it was on both parts. After that, it didn't happen anymore physically. He just became way too controlling. All that stopped now and I feel like I became his old persona. I got used to being treated badly that it made me kinda treat him that way now. All the resentment and anger. His unwillingness to talk to me about it for more than 10 minutes. It's crazy.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> ???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Means let you think whatever you like!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Is there someone else involved on his end?
> 
> Honestly every time on this board someone says a spouse "suddenly changed" on them, there's almost always someone else in the picture.


I agreed. My ex started to change and then I found out there's someone else out there. No matter what I did to please him, he hated it and he's the negative one. He ignored my phone calls and refusued to come home. In the end I only got more beaten and violence to find out there's SOMEONE. lola09's hubby can be faithful, but she might need to figure out what made her husband changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Good to hear that your husband is faithful to you and he might just be cranky because of your being negative. Are you still able to contact him with sms? How does he contact you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Good to hear that your husband is faithful to you and he might just be cranky because of your being negative. Are you still able to contact him with sms? How does he contact you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't contacted him because everyone I've talked to tells me not to, to give him some space. I did fold and call him ONCE yesterday...that's how I knew he turned his phone back on. I would like to txt him and tell him exactly what I feel, but that stuff is better left said in person. He left so angry at me and annoyed he didn't even want to hug me goodbye, but did. He didn't want to kiss me goodbye, but he did (on the cheek). I dunno what to make of that. So like I said, his phone is on...he hasn't contacted me...and I don't think I should contact him either.:scratchhead:


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Not even to apologise for being negative? Or find a topic he might enjoy? How do you want to show you're more positive and loving now? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Not even to apologise for being negative? Or find a topic he might enjoy? How do you want to show you're more positive and loving now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well I can't really tell him anything because he won't answer my calls. As far as texts, I don't know what I can send him that won't make him more upset at me. :/ And I'm not gonna tell him I'm being positive, I'm planning to show him when he gets back. I'm gonna get rid of everything and make it just like it was when we first lived together. Where we only had eachother and a tv.  If he still doesn't accept my apology or anything after that, at least I got rid of the furniture. :/ But I'm hoping that won't happen.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Sounds a great idea. Keep us updated. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Call military one source and get yourself counseling as well as couples counseling.


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

Idontknownow said:


> Call military one source and get yourself counseling as well as couples counseling.


Trust me I've already called MilOneSource and set up counseling for myself in my homestate (in case he really does want me to leave). As far as couples counseling, he won't go, he's stuck in the mindset that he's already tried...and it's not working even though we haven't gone to counseling together. He doesn't like the idea of telling people our business, I obviously have no problem because only then you can get some insight.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't understand--he didn't talk to you, he physically abused you, he isolated you from friends, family, hobbies--you need serious help in figuring out why you "love" someone who treated you so, so badly. IF--and that is a big if--you still want to be married to him after that, well, maybe with tons of counseling for the TWO of you, separately and together, it might be possible. But if he won't go, it is a moot point. 

Before he went to Iraq, he had all the signs of an abuser--and he has YOU taking the blame!! Please, read up on domestic abuse, emotional and physical. Your marriage sounds like a classic case. Talk to a professional--someone who works with victims of domestic abuse--and get some straight feedback. You may find his leaving was the BEST thing that ever happened to you. I have sympathy for him, b/c he experienced war and nothing is like that--but the TWO of you does not seem like a good idea, certainly not now, and probably NEVER if he cannot accept help. Good luck, and take care of yourself!


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## lola09 (Oct 16, 2010)

Thank you for your words. It's hard to explain why you love someone that has those characteristics. Only thing I can say is he repented and showed me he was a changed man for the past month that he's been back. 

On the other hand, I've been resentful and moody to the point where he just got overwhelmed and exploded. Maybe all he told me was out of frustration and anger...but at the same time, whenever we fight, he at least texts me back or calls me or tries to talk it out. This time, he's cut the communication chord completely. I realized my faults and mistakes and I am in the process of making changes so that he can SEE I'm ready to be happy with him again. That we can be happy together. Is that still crazy?


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## oliviapeter31 (Nov 19, 2012)

lola09 said:


> Thank you for your words. It's hard to explain why you love someone that has those characteristics. Only thing I can say is he repented and showed me he was a changed man for the past month that he's been back.
> 
> On the other hand, I've been resentful and moody to the point where he just got overwhelmed and exploded. Maybe all he told me was out of frustration and anger...but at the same time, whenever we fight, he at least texts me back or calls me or tries to talk it out. This time, he's cut the communication chord completely. I realized my faults and mistakes and I am in the process of making changes so that he can SEE I'm ready to be happy with him again. That we can be happy together. Is that still crazy?


I think what you do is not crazy. That is what we call LOVE :smthumbup:. Anybody will do anything for the one they love.


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