# One Year Later



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

So, it is a year on from when I decided to leave my wife for cheating on me (refer to thread "Over her cheating but now she "needs space"").

It has been the longest year of my life and I am amidst a new relationship that is now 6 months old.

I have learnt an enormous amount about myself, my marriage and the woman who I thought was my life partner and a person I could trust with my life.

So, having returned from a wonderful holiday with my new woman, she turns to me and says "I want to talk to you about planning a future together. But if you aren't ready, you need to let me know"

Needless to say, I have been in a whirlpool of confusion since that comment and decided to go to counselling this morning. From that, I have determined;

1. I am still VERY hurt and still in a state of disbelief of what my wife did, why she didn't save the marriage and what sort of person she really was.

2. Superficial appearance became the cornerstone of my marriage as there was little in the way of a deep and meaningful connection (not in the way that I know it now). That didn't stop me from living a fantasy where I loved that person very deeply though.

3. My new girl is the most amazing person I have ever met and is the polar opposite of my wife. Chemical attraction and sex is also amazing.

4. I fight my mind about how physically attractive I find my new girl, knowing full well that I am subconsciously affected by point 2. I battle with this, but I have begun to see her in a different way as I slowly heal from by wife's betrayal.

The reason I wrote this post is to remind people who have been cheated on to accept that it can (and probably will) take years to recover.

Also a reminder that we don't give ourselves enough time and space to heal.
Also that many people (like myself) jump into new relationships way too quickly.

I thought I was getting so much better but the pain is still with me and cuts deep every time I think about it.

So in response to her request, I will need to tell her that I am still deeply hurt and I am not ready to commit or fall in love with her. It hurts me deeply to do this to such a sweet woman. The truth hurts, but she deserves it. At least then she can make a decision about what she wants to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So you are going to let your wife continue to damage you and hurt you?

Not sure if that is the best course of action for you or your new woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

It sounds like you are not totally healed and that jumping into a new committed relationship isn't fair to your new lady friend or to you.

Lastly, keep in mind that the "new car" smell only lasts for so long.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Go with your heart Mate. You sound like a caring and good bloke. I wish you well.

Kev


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Podia,

Before you speak to her, for one moment, look pass the pain of past, and ask yourself if I was a clean slate does this relationship have what I need, I'm not talking about the sex, I am talking about trust, I'm talking the nurturing on both side, the warmth of her touch to you body and soul, the feeding of each other mind, does she remind you everyday what it means to be a couple.....a man......a partner. Sometimes the timing for love is not at our disposal, sometimes the universe places it our feet to help us keep the past where it belongs and helps us move along a bit further and faster then we might be ready.....all I am saying is everything happens for a reason, good and bad, you have had bad, and now your ready for something good, do not deny yourself that pleasure....maybe she is the one maybe not, but you won't know until you continue that journey with her....in the end you will both know or not. No one is 100% ready for anything in life for life events. Chose wisely and be happy


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I admire your integrity and insight, and truly wish you well in your healing process. When you are healed, I think you will find the loving relationship you deserve.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Poida...

I know it's rough man, but FWIW, I think you're making the right decision.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Ouch what a crappy decision you have to make

IF she's a really understanding women I'm sure she will get it but as she's investing a lot of time into your relationship its understandable why she's asked


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Xenote said:


> Podia,
> 
> Before you speak to her, for one moment, look pass the pain of past, and ask yourself if I was a clean slate does this relationship have what I need, I'm not talking about the sex, I am talking about trust, I'm talking the nurturing on both side, the warmth of her touch to you body and soul, the feeding of each other mind, does she remind you everyday what it means to be a couple.....a man......a partner. Sometimes the timing for love is not at our disposal, sometimes the universe places it our feet to help us keep the past where it belongs and helps us move along a bit further and faster then we might be ready.....all I am saying is everything happens for a reason, good and bad, you have had bad, and now your ready for something good, do not deny yourself that pleasure....maybe she is the one maybe not, but you won't know until you continue that journey with her....in the end you will both know or not. No one is 100% ready for anything in life for life events. Chose wisely and be happy


Brilliantly stated!


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Poida...
> 
> I know it's rough man, but FWIW, I think you're making the right decision.


Then again you could be passing up the woman of your dreams...just saying. Move on, let it go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Observer said:


> Then again you could be passing up the woman of your dreams...just saying. Move on, let it go.


The bottom line is that he's not ready for another relationship. Period. *MANY* of his posts speak to this, and several here have pointed this out to him over the course of the past several months.

He's been at war w/ himself over this for some time now, and it's time for him to face it head on. His girlfriend deserves that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is the problem.



poida said:


> So, having returned from a wonderful holiday with my new woman, she turns to me and says "I want to talk to you about planning a future together. But if you aren't ready, you need to let me know"


Sounds like an ultimatum to me, and what is the rush to make long term plans? Why is dating not enough for now, considering she knows what you've been through? You and her haven't even been together that long. 

Let her know and be honest. If you lose her, then you will know how shallow her love is for you, and that she wasn't the one.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Thanks everyone.
All very helpful comments. I can see both perspectives.
I have been quite open and honest about my progress throughout the 6 months so I think that what I will be telling her will simply be what she likely already knows and feels.
I am just making more definitive statement of that.

The way I see it is that we have only known each other for 6 months, yes it has been great, and yes I have not fallen for her yet, but at the same time, I have made a lot of progress moving forward in my life. She has also seen that.

So, I have decided not to break up, but to provide her with the information and if she feels she can't cope or has had enough, then I can live with that.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> He's been at war w/ himself over this for some time now, and it's time for him to face it head on.


Ha! that's what my counsellor told me.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I've a friend who D his wife (no cheating, it was for other compatibility reasons) and ran into "the one" almost immediately afterwards. He was hurt and wanted space and she crowded him. Nicely, carefully and lovingly. 

He was honest with her and needed time to heal. 

She stayed with him and suffered from this lack of commitment until they married 4 years later. He put her through a lot of pain. She did not have to stay with him, nor did he force her away. He could not turn her away. She hurt for years while he healed.

They've been happily married for over 8 years now. Very very happy. She suffered so much. She had many other choices. She got her man though. He felt he was honest with her. I don't think she heard what he had to say and stayed with him.

They are the happiest couple I know. He now sees what he missed during those early years and is making up for them now. He but had his own demons to slay. 

He does not know this, but I think she was the healing force in his life. I think they unofficially dated for those years so he would be sure she was "the one". Gun shy after the first W.

... Perhaps the road they took is why they are so happy.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

6 months is too soon in my opinion to be making such demands. 

Just be honest with her. Tell her she is amazing. 

Divorced or not, too soon in my opinion for this. What is the hurry if things are going great? She may just needs some assurance she is important in your life.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Personally, if I was dating someone recently divorced and he started talking long-term after six months, it would scare me away. 

I would be thinking he just wanted a maid and cook replacement. Maybe mother too. Not for me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Podia

How old is your GF and has she ever been married before?

HM

PS
Your counselor is right.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All I'll say is, dang near everyone preaches honesty on this board. So, you can be tactful and nice, but honesty is best.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

While this is a generalization and not always true in every case, women tend to emotionally bond and fall in love thru sex while men are able to keep it seperate for quite a while longer. Her age and past experiences affect this too. 

My advice would be to calmly and honestly explain to her where your heart is and most importantly WHY it is where it is. 6 months is really early in ANY relationship for permament plans other than possibly exclusionary agreements. Maybe this is all she wants to know at this time. If you don't feel any love for her but still enjoy the sex, you might want to revisit your motives for being with her and reconsider that to her, sex without love would just be using her for selfish motives.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Podia
> 
> How old is your GF and has she ever been married before?
> 
> ...


She is 32, never married, many long term relationships. Her last one was more than a year, said all the right things to her and then one day sat up, said he didn't love her and left (at least that's how she explains it).

So you can see she is also cautious, but with all the bros and sisters in her family with lots of kids, she wants to get on with it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Had a breakthru in counselling today.

Finally realised that the "love" that I have been seeking in women is simply a place of comfort that was learnt as a child and that because my father was absent in my life and my mother very possessive and protective, I never really learnt to become a man, an adult, an independent (emotionally anyway).

My wife served to plug that emotional need to "run to mummy", further preventing me from growing as a man.

Now, not knowing any better, I have been searching and yearning for a replacement woman for that "comfort" when I should be doing the opposite.

The breakthrough was that, as an adult, I can help and guide my own "inner child" and help him become a man, an adult.

Wow. How could I not have figured this out!!!!!!!!!!!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I take it that your "wife" is now officially your ex-wife?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

chaos said:


> I take it that your "wife" is now officially your ex-wife?


Nope. Stupid Australian Laws. Next month. it will be a nice thing to get done and dusted.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

poida said:


> Had a breakthru in counselling today.
> 
> Finally realised that the "love" that I have been seeking in women is simply a place of comfort that was learnt as a child and that because my father was absent in my life and my mother very possessive and protective, I never really learnt to become a man, an adult, an independent (emotionally anyway).
> 
> ...


If you have not done so yet, Poida, you should read Hold On To Your N.U.T.s by Wayne Levine. 

Rule #1: Silence the little boy.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> If you have not done so yet, Poida, you should read Hold On To Your N.U.T.s by Wayne Levine.
> 
> Rule #1: Silence the little boy.


Thanks mate.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

It might not be a bad idea to slow down things with the new woman in your life so that your emotional injury from your STBXWW can be completely healed. Give it some thought.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

chaos said:


> It might not be a bad idea to slow down things with the new woman in your life so that your emotional injury from your STBXWW can be completely healed. Give it some thought.


Have noticed that it was slowing me down.

But after my breakthru the other day, I feel like a well balanced MAN today with my own destiny to fulfil.

Now I kind of feel like I am on my own path and that should I choose to be with this woman, then I can. 

The pressure has come right down which has made me very happy indeed.


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## Pinche Culero (Jan 5, 2015)

Hopefully you won't be having "breakthrus" every other day and dumping the femme du jour for another.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

poida said:


> Nope. Stupid Australian Laws. Next month. it will be a nice thing to get done and dusted.


Getting it done was a relief for me. I hope it works the same for you. Embrace the opportunity to start over and don't rush into anything you are not ready for. 

Good luck
WD


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

poida said:


> Had a breakthru in counselling today.
> 
> Finally realised that the "love" that I have been seeking in women is simply a place of comfort that was learnt as a child and that because my father was absent in my life and my mother very possessive and protective, I never really learnt to become a man, an adult, an independent (emotionally anyway).
> 
> ...


Book for you to read: Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. It says the same thing. Amazing.

Read it and execute. Women will be following you everywhere...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Book for you to read: Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. It says the same thing. Amazing.
> 
> Read it and execute. Women will be following you everywhere...


I read that book and didn't recognise it.

It was only when my counsellor and I really honed in on what I was still yearning for that I recognised that it was the inner child.

I had mis-understood that feeling to be simply looking for "love".

I'll re-read the book I think now as it has been 6 months.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

poida said:


> I read that book and didn't recognise it.
> 
> It was only when my counsellor and I really honed in on what I was still yearning for that I recognised that it was the inner child.
> 
> ...


The Betaization of the male, lacking father figure, "pleasing the woman" training for his first 18 years. It's all there.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Ok, I had a major freak out last night after being invited away with the GF in Feb. 
We had a great holiday in Bali a few weeks ago so I don't know what changed.
Something inside me just telling me to break up with her. It was my gut.
But I wake up (after like 1 hour sleep) and think good things about her.
I still don't see her as someone I am in love with. She is like my best friend and my lover, but now the love of my life.

I know I am probably over thinking all of this, but it really stresses me out that I am listening to my gut, but I can't tell if my gut is saying;
a) "she is great but I'm not letting you fall for her now and you aren't ready" 
OR if my gut is saying 
b) "she isn't the one one for you, if you haven't fallen for her yet, you aren't going to"

It is all very strange because I was just beginning to visualise the possibility of a life with her, marriage, kids etc. Logically, if there was a person I wanted to fall for and live with, it would be her so it is indeed a conundrum.

Very confused and stressed.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I hate this sh*t. It just makes me hate my cheating wh*re of a w*fe.
I want to move on but I'm struggling.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Go easy poida. It's just too early for you. Don't sweat it. It's a normal reaction.

To remarry is hope winning out over experience. You're not there yet. You have not recovered yet. You'll know when you're ready. No one can change that. 

Option: Just make sure she knows what you're going through. 

Another option: Suffer in silence.

I've been to Bali. Have you gone to the restaurant at the top of the volcano overlooking the crater? Beautiful view. A long way from town & beach where the drunk Auzzies hang out


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

No haven't been there. I like the water and try to stay somewhere nice away from the Bogans and fat Russians.
And I'm not a "drunk aussie", but I do like a beer or four.
We stayed at the Seminyak Beach Resort for 4 days and then a really nice villa in the area for another 2 days.
Highlight of the trip was spoiling the GF with a S Class Merc limo drive to "Rock Bar" at the bottom of the island with a bottle of 15 year old vintage Dom Perignon. The bar turned out to be a bit of a tourist trap and we were last there, but had a great time. Most people just went, took a selfie on a stick and left. Pathetic.
Same story at Potato head.

What I can't get over is how in touch we are with each other, how compatible as people and as I said before, great chemistry. We have never fought, yet we get straight to the point of any issue as soon as it appears. We know what each other is thinking and intuitively know what each other's needs are. These things alone are pretty amazing in my experience. She is definitely my best friend and the person I love spending time with.

Physical attraction is less so in this relationship, but I think I am mentally blocking myself in that respect and that is really sending me crazy.

I am petrified that I will one day say "Nope, not physically attracted to her which is why I'm not falling for her."

The only reason I'm still with her is that ultimately, I doubt that physical attraction is a deal breaker and I will eventually open up.

That is what I hope for. 

I have been honest all along (even now) and it hurts her when we have those conversations. Obviously I need to be careful how I say things. Last time we spoke I said bluntly "I've been hurt really badly, I'm still recovering, I'm not in love with you but I am getting better and I am here because I love being with you." 

Not much more I can do. She got hurt really bad last relationship and we did discuss breaking up. In the end we slept on it and decided it was worth the risk.

Things were a lot easier when I was younger when a couple had time before the "fertility clock stopped ticking". I distinctly remember thinking "there is no need to rush, we are young and have plenty of time". But, I was also completely head over heels for my wife from day one. Having had that experience really makes me question whether love can grow and be sustainable between us if it isn't there immediately?

Did anyone here know someone a long time before they "fell for them"? I'd love to hear from you.

I guess the same would apply to older couples who can no longer have kids, or already have kids. That pressure is removed.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

poida said:


> Physical attraction is less so in this relationship, but I think I am mentally blocking myself in that respect and that is really sending me crazy.
> 
> I am petrified that I will one day say "Nope, not physically attracted to her which is why I'm not falling for her."
> 
> ...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I think she's helping you recover more than your realize. Would/could she hang out for a year or two?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> poida said:
> 
> 
> > Physical attraction is less so in this relationship, but I think I am mentally blocking myself in that respect and that is really sending me crazy.
> ...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Q tip said:


> I think she's helping you recover more than your realize. Would/could she hang out for a year or two?


You know what, I'm not sure. Whilst she really likes me (I am amazing apparently.... lol!!!), I think her maternal instinct is very strong and there is a chance she could make one of the toughest decisions of her life to move on. I would say 30% chance she leaves if I said I can't foresee the future and it could be 1-2 years before I really know how I feel about a long term relationship.

As with many women in their early 30's, they have a strong drive to have children. She wants at least 3 kids. All of her brothers and sisters have at least 3 kids and she feels like she is missing out. She adores children and I know deep down she is quite desperate to have her own.

And I think this is the central issue for her, and the biggest stress to me.

If is was a woman who hadn't mentioned kids, and when asked said "I'm not sure about kids yet". The situation would be so different to me. I think I would be able to focus more on the relationship.

As above, we have an open and honest enough relationship that I should be able to ask her these this. 

Thanks.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The bottom line is that he's not ready for another relationship. Period. *MANY* of his posts speak to this, and several here have pointed this out to him over the course of the past several months.
> 
> He's been at war w/ himself over this for some time now, and it's time for him to face it head on. His girlfriend deserves that.


I agree he moved too quickly.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

So I once again told the GF all wasn't well in my world.
She got upset.
I re-iterated that I wasn't ready and wasn't in love yet. I said our options are 1. Continue, 2. Friends, 3. A long break apart, 4. Break up.
We couldn't decide what to do.
It is so amazing that we can talk this stuff about in the most rational way. Calm and sensible. This is what I value most about our relationship.
We both woke up still upset.
But there was a huge and a single kiss turned into passionate session where we had a very close bond.
Afterwards we still couldn't decide what to do so we are going to spend 3 days apart while we both think about what we want.
I felt like I was going to miss her terribly when she left. And I have - all day today.

Something is changing in me. I think I am starting to feel something deeper for her. Seems to be the case every time we have this talk, something more changes. 

I think that in the moment when all the weight I have on my shoulders lifts after these difficult talks I really FEEL close to her without the stresses of her needs/wants and my personal marital issues in the mix.

I guess what this says is that a mental space that allows me to be relaxed emotionally is most important to me now. I'm not yet certain what conditions that might be under, but at least I am zeroing in on my needs.

I would still like to keep seeing her, even if that is more occasionally, but I need to take these few days to assess whether that is possible whilst giving me space. I'm not sure it is.

Whilst she still isn't supermodel beautiful to me right now, today I feel like that isn't actually an issue, and is more than likely me projecting all my stress, pressure and problems onto her appearance (there is nowhere else to project it!). I think that if I was in a place of peace, I sincerely think I would find her really beautiful.

All I know is that unless we break up, I will continue to think of her all the time. The ultimate conundrum.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

poida said:


> *So I once again told the GF all wasn't well in my world.
> She got upset.*
> I re-iterated that I wasn't ready and wasn't in love yet. I said our options are 1. Continue, 2. Friends, 3. A long break apart, 4. Break up.
> We couldn't decide what to do.
> ...


poida,

You think too much and talk too much. I suggest that you try to live more in the moment, both when you are with her and when you are away from her, leaving both the past and future to take care of themselves.

Relationships benefit from a degree of mystery and uncertainty. By constantly verbalizing how you feel about her, you break the spell, interject tension into your relationship and create expectations both positive (which can lead to disappointment if you don't live up to them) and negative (which can undermine animal attraction).

Who knows where you and she will be in a week, a month or a year. All you know for certain is where you are right now and that is all that really matters. Maybe, in time, the two of you will create a lasting bond. Or maybe you won't. What matters is how you treat each other day to day: that will determine whether you and she have a future.

Give your relationship time to develop naturally. Avoid discussions about it. Be honest with her but let your actions speak for you. If she likes what she sees, she will respond. If she doesn't like it, it wasn't meant to be.

Life is a journey and none of us know where it will take us. Enjoy it while it lasts and give as much of yourself as you have to give, expecting nothing in return. If you do this, you will get more than you give and you will find your way.

Wishing you peace and happiness.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> poida,
> 
> You think too much and talk too much. I suggest that you try to live more in the moment, both when you are with her and when you are away from her, leaving both the past and future to take care of themselves.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Wow. Carmen, you're wonderful! Words of wisdom.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Poida,

One year out from my separation with XW, I was in no position at all to be dating. Way too messed up. 

Two years out I was in a better place emotionally (still had issues from residual PTSD) but I met someone and we hit it off fairly quickly. It's nowhere near the feeling I had for my Ex when I met her, but this woman is much more loyal (based on her record) and stronger than my Ex. She is someone who has lived alone, doesn't flirt to get attention, and knows herself fairly well. 

I'm not always in the present. It's tough, I feel you. Betrayal has a way of putting the brakes on giving and receiving love as you did before. I would say that I still don't feel completely strong or normal.. we were all robbed of that by being cheated on. So it's not as easy to "dive in" into a relationship as it was before. I feel you on that. 

I think Carmen's advice is very good. Don't overthink it too much or it will kill the spark. That being said, if you're a talker and she's a talker, then maybe that helps form the basis of your relationship: A deep bond of friendship and mutual respect which grows into love. Just beware of leaning on each other too much. My GF won't let me on her very much, which I understand, because she wants me to stand upright. Plus, she doesn't understand the pain of betrayal so it's hard for her to relate.

The bio clock is a big issue, and she is probably thinking "now or never" because she'd have to start a new relationship with someone else to get to the point of having kids. But if you are not really in love with her, you can't risk it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Poida,
> 
> One year out from my separation with XW, I was in no position at all to be dating. Way too messed up.
> 
> ...


Are you saying that if I'm not sure you are saying I shouldn't risk staying? Is that what you mean?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> poida,
> 
> You think too much and talk too much. I suggest that you try to live more in the moment, both when you are with her and when you are away from her, leaving both the past and future to take care of themselves.
> 
> ...


You are right and it's good advice.

I learnt that my relationship with my wife only lasted as long as it did because I created a fantasy around who she was and how I felt about her. It wasn't a genuine and deep interaction.

As a result, I am trying to break down that need for a fantasy with another person. And a lot of that desire for a fantasy includes visualising the future. I am also naturally always looking to the future.

I can't imagine ever feeling the same again ( a safe, happy fantasy) and I am yet to really bed in that it is an unhealthy thing. It really is very much like a drug I am addicted to.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Fantasy always feels better, yet it is always less rewarding.

Real relationships are gritty, hard, challenging, yet incredibly rewarding for all those reasons.

You should not want the fantasy, brother. Because that means your blinders are back on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

poida said:


> So, it is a year on from when I decided to leave my wife
> 
> I am amidst a new relationship that is now 6 months old.
> 
> ...


No offense, but big surprise.
Why we tell people not to date for at least a year after leaving.



> The reason I wrote this post is to remind people who have been cheated on to accept that it can (and probably will) take years to recover.
> 
> Also a reminder that we don't give ourselves enough time and space to heal.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing. I hope people will listen.

And I wish you peace of mind.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

poida said:


> You are right and it's good advice.
> 
> I learnt that my relationship with my wife only lasted as long as it did because I created a fantasy around who she was and how I felt about her. It wasn't a genuine and deep interaction.
> 
> ...


This reminds me of an old saying on TAM -- believe their actions, not their words. The saying can be modified to better fit your situation -- reality is created by actions, fantasy is nothing more than words.

It is what you and your GF do for each other, not what you say to each other, that will determine the reality of your relationship.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Fantasy always feels better, yet it is always less rewarding.
> 
> Real relationships are gritty, hard, challenging, yet incredibly rewarding for all those reasons.
> 
> You should not want the fantasy, brother. Because that means your blinders are back on.


It's hard. I know the truth, yet my heart still yearns for something my head knows isn't a good idea.

Time and positive actions are the only cure.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> This reminds me of an old saying on TAM -- believe their actions, not their words. The saying can be modified to better fit your situation -- reality is created by actions, fantasy is nothing more than words.
> 
> It is what you and your GF do for each other, not what you say to each other, that will determine the reality of your relationship.


It's one of the reasons I'm so devastated that I have had to make the decision to break up with the most honest, loyal, kind and level headed soul I have ever met.

I know I am going to sincerely regret this and it hurts deep, yet I know I am not ready and it's hurting both of us to do so.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi All,
I feel so happy to report that this morning I had the first glimpse of my heart opening up again after being cheated on 14 months ago.
I happened in the presence of my current GF, yes the same one I was going to break up with, but I just knew that I was close to opening up, that deep down I knew it had little to do with her, and I had to be a little patient.
It is strange that it happened after several days of no sex (that time of month), but I am glad it happened under those conditions and not under the haze of sexual satisfaction.
It's a feeling I haven't had for a long time and it is totally unmistakable. Once you've had it, you never forget it.
I recognise it immediately.
I feel human again and I feel so fantastic.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all the support through what has without doubt been the toughest year of my life.
:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Aghh. What the heck!!!
I wake up on Monday and find I'm not attracted to the GF.
If this string of posts has sounded confusing to you, then it's more baffling to me. I think about breaking up a lot now.
I have had a lot of stress at work and I question how this might be affecting me.
I just feel like I'm totally over all this crap now.
I just want it to end.
I worry that I won't fall for anyone else in the future because of what I've learnt about my relationship with my wife.
Out of ideas here peeps.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

*Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)*


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> *Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)*


What the......... that's out there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

poida said:


> Aghh. What the heck!!!
> I wake up on Monday and find I'm not attracted to the GF.
> If this string of posts has sounded confusing to you, then it's more baffling to me. I think about breaking up a lot now.
> I have had a lot of stress at work and I question how this might be affecting me.
> ...


Unfortunately, you're still not over the XW. I was the opposite of you, in that I fell for the rebound girl. Almost exactly 13 months after my divorce, I was married again. :scratchhead:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Unfortunately, you're still not over the XW. I was the opposite of you, in that I fell for the rebound girl. Almost exactly 13 months after my divorce, I was married again. :scratchhead:


Perhaps, but the further along this goes, the more I think it's both.

Perhaps I should accept that "I'm just not that into her" and move on.

I don;t know why I'm so reluctant. Will discuss in counselling tonight.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

on some level your reluctant because you don't want to find yourself alone. you don't want to feel as though you will not find someone else, and when the music of romance and love stops you do not want to be the one without a chair to sit in...any chair.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Xenote said:


> on some level your reluctant because you don't want to find yourself alone. you don't want to feel as though you will not find someone else, and when the music of romance and love stops you do not want to be the one without a chair to sit in...any chair.


If you had said that to me 2 months ago, I would have whole heartedly agreed, but not so much now. I have healed since then and am happier within myself and by myself. BUT I think there is still an element of that, but mostly, I just know this is exactly the type of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. She is the most caring, loving, sexual, connected and open person I have ever met, and can ever imagine meeting.

I am simply battling with the subject of physical attraction. How important it is, how it changes from day to day, whether my perception will change over time, how much it might change in the future, whether it will all fade into obscurity, or whether I never be fully attracted to her enough to sustain a long term relationship.

For everything else to be perfect is really messing with my head.

It's a very stressful thing for me and I'm really at a point where I can't deal with it anymore. I just need a break from it all. I'm over all the thinking, over-analysing, pondering, worrying, poor sleep, and hurt/doubt that I am no doubt causing her deep down. It's not sustainable and I am not moving forward in my own life when I am in that place.

The problem I have is that I feel like something in me knows that if I walk away, my future self will know that I have made the biggest mistake of my life.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Unfortunately, you're still not over the XW. I was the opposite of you, in that I fell for the rebound girl. Almost exactly 13 months after my divorce, I was married again. :scratchhead:


And are you still with said rebound girl? Would you have changed what happened?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

The problem I have is that I feel like something in me knows that if I walk away, my future self will know that I have made the biggest mistake of my life.[/QUOTE]

Then do not make that mistake.

Give her more of a chance.

She wasn't the one that cheated on you.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> The problem I have is that I feel like something in me knows that if I walk away, my future self will know that I have made the biggest mistake of my life.


Then do not make that mistake.

Give her more of a chance.

She wasn't the one that cheated on you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your comment. Sometimes (always) I over think things.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

What's with the quoting system? Not working.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I’m going to have to be blunt here. You are using her. You say you don’t really feel a physical attraction, but the sex is great. You say you love spending time with her, but don’t think you ‘love’ her. She wants the relationship to be more serious, to foresee marriage and children, and you don’t want that, you just like what you have now. You stay together with her under the hope that you will magically develop reciprocating feelings of love and wanting marriage and children, probably just because you don’t want to give up the getting of regular sex and having a companion to do fun things with. 

You don’t seem to have any respect for what you bring to HER life, but are only enjoying what she brings to YOURS. You are stringing her along with vague promises of maybe so you can maintain the benefits she provides to you, without doing much for her needs. 

The reasons why could be many and varied. Maybe you are the kind of person who doesn’t like being alone. Maybe you are still damaged by your ex’s betrayal and have your heart closed off. Maybe you are a user in all aspects of your life, not just relationships.

I’m generalizing here, but usually men need attraction FIRST before proceeding with a relationship. You can’t just start a relationship without it and assume it will develop later because the woman is fun to be with. Think about other women you see in the course of a day. Do you find other women hot? Was the barista who made your morning coffee tempting? Did the woman in line in front of you the other day give you that ‘jolt’ feeling? If you’re not finding ANY women attractive, the problem is you, and I’d suggest you end your relationship and seek counselling. If it’s just your girlfriend you don’t feel that pull towards, then the problem is your relationship and you should also end it. 

Not ending this relationship is just unfair to this woman you claim is so nice. And if you’re willing to be unfair to her, then how much can you possibly care about her? Not enough for a relationship, that’s for sure. You’re looking for Friends With Benefits, while she’s looking for fiancé. If you can’t recognize that disconnect and break up for HER sake out of respect, then you’re not even much of a friend and she’s just a booty call.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

poida said:


> And are you still with said rebound girl? Would you have changed what happened?


Well, it took her 22 years to cheat on me, after she told me in the beginning that she wouldn't do what my XW did. That's why this is my second time being betrayed. Would I change it? Nope, because I wouldn't have my two boys who are the light of my life. I'd do it all over again for them.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I’m going to have to be blunt here. You are using her. You say you don’t really feel a physical attraction, but the sex is great. You say you love spending time with her, but don’t think you ‘love’ her. She wants the relationship to be more serious, to foresee marriage and children, and you don’t want that, you just like what you have now. You stay together with her under the hope that you will magically develop reciprocating feelings of love and wanting marriage and children, probably just because you don’t want to give up the getting of regular sex and having a companion to do fun things with.
> 
> You don’t seem to have any respect for what you bring to HER life, but are only enjoying what she brings to YOURS. You are stringing her along with vague promises of maybe so you can maintain the benefits she provides to you, without doing much for her needs.
> 
> ...



Men and women view attractiveness very differently and I can't help but think that as a woman, you can't fathom any other response than to label me as a user. Nothing else makes sense to you right?

Sweeping generalisations about my personality also isn't helping your case. 

Whilst you are entitled to your opinions (hey, it's a free world!), there are things you should know before making such judgemental and sweeping generalisations about my history, my situation, my values and my personality.

I think I'm wasting my time explaining this but I have always had the best of intentions for our relationship. 

I continually question the end game and ensuring that I have the same goals for the relationship as she does.

I have no interest in a f*ck buddy. I am looking for a person for a long term relationship which who will eventually become a wife and a mother. 

It is not I that initiates sexual encounters. In fact I find it unfair to do so in my situation. I also have sexual anxiety issues to deal with so I'm definitely not the type of guy who goes out to find some booty. I'm not sure why you assume I am using her for sex. Perhaps this has been your only experience of men in your life.

We are both acutely aware (and we have been all along) that we entered a relationship when I wasn't emotionally ready and we have both weighted up the risks and decided to continue the relationship on several occasions.

Her needs and feelings have always been at the forefront of my mind and hurting her is the thing I worry most about. I have been told many times that I think too much about her needs/wants and I need to look after my own more. I'm not sure where you got the impression I have no respect for her life. Perhaps this has been your experience of men in your life.

Only very, very recently have I felt moments where I have a lack of attraction and even now I am still questioning whether it is caused by emotional projection (me not wanting to hurt her so I try to distance myself somehow), or whether it is a genuine primal thing (just not that into her).
I have been in counselling (every week) since D-Day and currently we are dealing with exactly this issue (my perception of physical attraction and why it plays such a critical role in my relationships).

It seems like perhaps you haven;t had a good run with men in your life, and that perhaps you have been involved with men who have the characteristics that you so freely paint onto me. But in future, before you make generalisations about other men, perhaps try to understand their unique situation a little better. 

And as I said, I'm not sure a woman can even begin to understand how men view women in a physical sense anyway.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Well, it took her 22 years to cheat on me, after she told me in the beginning that she wouldn't do what my XW did. That's why this is my second time being betrayed. Would I change it? Nope, because I wouldn't have my two boys who are the light of my life. I'd do it all over again for them.


Wow Lord. I can see where your sometimes blunt and brutal comments can come from now. I guess it must be frustrating to read stories like mine and not call the idiot. Obviously your are just trying to help your fellow BS. I look back now though and I realise that realising a lot of these things about WW just takes time. Sometimes it doesn't matter what people tell you, you have to figure it out yourself. Thanks for all your support.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Poida,

Maybe you don't want to hurt this woman, maybe you are confused, or maybe any number of things. It really doesn't matter. Its unfair to her. It is benevolently, selfishly, unfair.

It's like putting a square inside of an octagon (draw the shapes (U.S. Stop sign is octagon). Sure the square will fit at the top and bottom but there are big huge gaps on the sides. You have gaps with this woman. The breakup does not have to be acrimonious. Find the words that don't destroy her and end it.

I read your post from 2:22 this morning (I hate quoting entire posts when they are long). Anyway, that post is a psychologists wet dream. The issues that you touched on in that post show how much therapy that you both need. Not therapy to stay together, but therapy on how to exist alone and in a healthy relationship. I don't mean that as a personal attack. I genuinely feel for you, but if you encapsulate the thoughts expressed in that post into a two sentences then you will see why you need to end it and get into therapy.

I'll do it for you: _"I entered into a relationship with a woman I did not find physically appealing at a time I was not emotionally ready and only have sex if she initiates it. I question why I am still with her and struggle to get a handle on how I view relationships, but don't want to hurt her by ending it, and she's fine with it_."

Your life is messed up enough as it is, please do her a favor and cut her loose.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow, friend!

You are WAY over thinking this!

She asked you what you want. You told her. Why does that mean you have to "let her go"?

If you were just dating, and never married in life yet, why would that question be any different then? It wouldn't.

You told her you just want to keep dating. You don't find it in you to be "serious" enough to get married again. I'm assuming it's an exclusive relationship. 

So what are you doing? Your dating!

As long as your openly honest with her at all times about your stance on just wanting to continue to date, then she can decide whether to leave. She may have different goals about her dating experiences.

Just be open. Honest. Don't string her along with lies or telling her what you think she wants to hear.

Dating is exactly that. Dating.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

bigfoot said:


> Poida,
> 
> Maybe you don't want to hurt this woman, maybe you are confused, or maybe any number of things. It really doesn't matter. Its unfair to her. It is benevolently, selfishly, unfair.
> 
> ...


Many things you have stated are incorrect but I do hear your argument.
I was very attracted to her at the start. Only very recently did I have doubts.
She isn't the only one initiating sex, I just find it new that a woman does. It's pretty even in truth.
I'm not worried about hurting her by ending it, I'm worried about hurting her by being with her for a long time and it ending in the future. I'm actually fine with the act of breaking up if I know that is the right thing to do because it is doing the right thing by her.

Look, it's a complicated situation. As you can see there are many conflicting opinions here. I suppose this only serves to illustrate how different each situation is and how different other people's experiences have been in the same or similar situation.

I thank you for your comments either way.

We spoke again last night. She knows where I stand and I know where she stands. She has made it clear she is prepared to leave me if she feels she doesn't see a long term future. I made it clear I would end if it I couldn't envisage the opportunity for a long term relationship with her. We both felt the risks were worth it and we both accept that there is a chance it will not work out. We both feel that our relationship is so good in so many ways that it is worth the risk and the time invested. We agreed to keep dating, but cool it off a bit for now.

I have many friends that have told me they have been in a similar situation but grew to completely love that person.

At this time it is my decision to keep dating and keep working on myself.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

poida said:


> Men and women view attractiveness very differently and I can't help but think that as a woman, you can't fathom any other response than to label me as a user. Nothing else makes sense to you right?
> 
> Sweeping generalisations about my personality also isn't helping your case.


I didn't label you a user. I said the reasons for your situation could be many and varied, and one of them might be that you were a user. It was intended to be thought provoking and encourage self-reflection, but apparently the only thoughts it provoked was an assumption that I am a woman who was treated poorly by men and am projecting it onto you. I suppose I could project that you are a man who has been treated poorly by women, therefore when someone says something you perceive as an attack, you assume it's from a woman.



poida said:


> Whilst you are entitled to your opinions (hey, it's a free world!), there are things you should know before making such judgemental and sweeping generalisations about my history, my situation, my values and my personality.
> 
> I think I'm wasting my time explaining this but I have always had the best of intentions for our relationship.
> 
> ...


You're very defensive. Perhaps I cut too close to one of your concerns. All my impressions were derived from your thread here and the limited information you provided. I haven't read any of your other posts, nor can I read your mind.



poida said:


> Only very, very recently have I felt moments where I have a lack of attraction and even now I am still questioning whether it is caused by emotional projection (me not wanting to hurt her so I try to distance myself somehow), or whether it is a genuine primal thing (just not that into her).
> I have been in counselling (every week) since D-Day and currently we are dealing with exactly this issue (my perception of physical attraction and why it plays such a critical role in my relationships).


I think being in counselling is very good. I hope you get more out of your therapeutic sessions than you do from strangers on the internet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> You're very defensive. Perhaps I cut too close to one of your concerns.


It's long been understood that the posts that people react to most strongly (and negatively) are almost always because they carry a kernel of truth that the OP doesn't want to hear - or consider.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> It's long been understood that the posts that people react to most strongly (and negatively) are almost always because they carry a kernel of truth that the OP doesn't want to hear - or consider.


I haven't denied that. 
I have said I have doubts about whether this is all going to work out and whether I am doing the right thing.
But right now, I feel like I am doing the right thing.
If nobody ever wanted to get hurt, they would never ever start a relationship, but the reality is, sometimes you have to put your best intentions forward and take a chance.

I just don't like it when people make personal judgements.
And yes I do get defensive.
I suppose that is because I work hard to do the best I can for myself and the people surrounding me.

On the flip side, I see no problem with people making observations, comments etc, portraying opinions and offering advice, or hell, even telling someone what they think they should do. (eg I think you should break up with this woman).

I just don't think that comments judging someone's personality are very constructive and they are unlikely to be accurate.

But, hey, as I said, it's a free world and this is an open posting forum.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

poida said:


> I just don't like it when people make personal judgements.
> And yes I do get defensive.
> I suppose that is because I work hard to do the best I can for myself and the people surrounding me.


To dig a little deeper, this response tells me that you're still a wounded ego and that your image is more important to you than you realize. Which is understandable after what you've gone through. I'm just saying that if you can accept this aspect of yourself and work to be ok no matter WHAT people think about you, you'll be healthier.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> To dig a little deeper, this response tells me that you're still a wounded ego and that your image is more important to you than you realize. Which is understandable after what you've gone through. I'm just saying that if you can accept this aspect of yourself and work to be ok no matter WHAT people think about you, you'll be healthier.


No denying that. It's a typical nice guy trait. I have always been that way and it is something I am working on in counselling. 

I've learnt that anyone who holds a "contract" with their lovers, family and friends really isn't happy just being themselves. They can never feel totally comfortable and happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's no place in marriage for unconditional love. EVERY marriage should include the knowledge that you will walk away if you're trampled on. It's what keeps you respecting the other person.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I guess that's fine if you are aware your partner is unhappy and about to start looking elsewhere I suppose. I had no blo*dy idea.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

So, I am 1 week away from being able to submit divorce papers and I intend to do so on that. day.

I also intend to hand back my wedding ring. I don't know why but I think it might help me. Cashing it in for a night on the town just wouldn't do much to help me. 

Flash backs, hurt, pain, confusion and stress haunt me this week.

Did others here feel the same and how did you feel after it was done and dusted?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Hand back your wedding ring to who?:scratchhead:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Jasel said:


> Hand back your wedding ring to who?:scratchhead:


Well the WW of course. the woman I am going to divorce.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Too much drama. Forego any interaction w/ your STBXW and either sell the ring or toss it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I tossed mine in the Kanawha river. It was liberating.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

poida said:


> So, it is a year on from when I decided to leave my wife for cheating on me (refer to thread "Over her cheating but now she "needs space"").
> 
> It has been the longest year of my life and I am amidst a new relationship that is now 6 months old.
> 
> ...


Hmmm,

Your are now close to if not 35. And "She" wants to have the talk...

Don't mean to be a Downer but... Listen to reality... Have you gone through with the divorce... better set aside 15K plus.

Your bumping 35. 

GF wants to marry and have kids (3 you say)... whoa! brother.

Do the Math: 

35 + 2 (married, first born) = 37 

Easily 42 with 2 or 3. 

At best, 22+ years of (ear aches, braces, my car's broke, insurance won't cover, lost my job-coming home...). You'll be 50 and still doing T-Ball. Seen it first hand, not pretty.

Dude, if lucky your 65 and still busting your ass to make it day to day. 

Unless you are just loaded (cash), your baby making days are gone like a freight train. IMO, got to the Doc and get a VSEC now, find a single woman (no kids) and make a lifetime together.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Too much drama. Forego any interaction w/ your STBXW and either sell the ring or toss it.


I was only going to do it when I have to meet her to have paper signatures witnessed anyway. Why would I meet for that alone. One would have to be insane.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

RWB said:


> Hmmm,
> 
> Your are now close to if not 35. And "She" wants to have the talk...
> 
> ...


Geez dude. Judgemental much?

It's very common here in Aus for late kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> Geez dude. Judgemental much?
> 
> It's very common here in Aus for late kids.


It's becoming more and more common in the US as well.

One of my co-workers is 42 and has 3 kids; they're 11, 2 1/2, and 10 months.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> I was only going to do it when I have to meet her to have paper signatures witnessed anyway. Why would I meet for that alone. One would have to be insane.


Yeah, but you shouldn't have to interact w/ her at all. And if you do, keep it to an absolute bare minimum. Just show up (and w/o your ring), sign the papers, and leave.

That you're thinking about using the opportunity to make some sort of gesture w/ respect to your ring seems to indicate that you're looking to get some sort of reaction from her... which indicates that you need to keep detaching.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

poida said:


> Well the WW of course. the woman I am going to divorce.


Please eat the ring before you do anything like that.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

poida said:


> Geez dude. Judgemental much?
> 
> It's very common here in Aus for late kids.


Sorry, that was a "bit" much. Good luck.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Yeah, but you shouldn't have to interact w/ her at all. And if you do, keep it to an absolute bare minimum. Just show up (and w/o your ring), sign the papers, and leave.
> 
> That you're thinking about using the opportunity to make some sort of gesture w/ respect to your ring seems to indicate that you're looking to get some sort of reaction from her... which indicates that you need to keep detaching.


Makes sense. I am definitely still angry at her so yeah....

Will take your advice and take my GF out for a nice dinner. It's a heavy sucker of a ring.

At least this morning she agreed to pay me what she owes me and has organised a witness for next Thurs.

Such a relief that a sh*tfight isn't on the cards at this stage.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

YAY! It is finally over! 
Divorce papers signed and delivered to court yesterday.
I was quite calm and relaxed when I got to the meeting.
Essentially I was totally unphased by whatever happened.
I felt no need to avoid eye contact. I was quite happy to maintain it where it was relevant.
I felt very little. No anger, no pain, no nervousness.
Like a person I just met on the street.
Signed, walked out the front door, said "bye!", turned and walked away.
At first I was a bit perplexed I wasn't feeling much , but when I got home, the grin started. I was happy, relaxed and just enjoying just being again.
I really think I can see a future with my GF now. Something HAS changed in me. We are great together. OK, so she's not a supermodel, but I see so much more value than that in her. Like her other values and features mean so much more in total than appearance ever could. I feel like now I can commit more to the relationship rather than sitting on the fence.
Thanks again for all the comments and support.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Kinda like South Pacific..

"Gonna wash that w***e right outa my hair..."

Great news. Welcome to the rest of your life. A free man!


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