# still hurting from my husband's 2nd EA with same woman.



## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

Just today I decided to hunt for a forum for help. Living in a foreign country, where lovely latinas abound. Husband has had EA with Irma...I found out, it stopped, then a year later when I was back in the states it started again, each time lasting about 6 months. SHe is 40 he is 65, I am 60. She has long beautiful hair, I have a boy cut. She is voluptious, I have gained 15 lbs. since moving from the states 8+ years ago. She is certified massuese which is how he found her in the first place to help his back from surfing. He has seen her in her underwear, he admits to seeing her about every 2 weeks. She phones him on his cell, he goes outside for his privacy. He took her to lunch for her birthday. He paid her cell phone for 6 months+ until Dday this last time. He swears it is over, he feels awful for hurting me again. ALthough he says there was no sex, he just could not let it go that far. But I don't see him grovelling for my forgiveness and I don't see him trying to win me back. Am I expecting too much. Am I a fool? So many negative depressed thoughts and triggers and even in my dreams and wondering about all the details. I don't know if I want to continue to live in a marriage where I feel so insecure and vulnerable. He has the upperhand, the security, and I have none. I am so angry, feel betrayed and hurt and I don't know that I will ever feel securely happy in our 30 year marriage again or the woman he really wants. IT was hard the first time to come back to a trusting relationship, but a 2nd time? How do I know he wont' go for a 3rd time? She has some hold on him and lives in the same small town in Costa Rica that we do. I am miserable and can't seem to shake it. Why should I have to try so hard to be something other than exactly who I am. Why can't he love me and not need anyone else?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You dont have to try to be someone that you're not.

Why do you tolerate this? Why the low self-esteem. He is the one fcking up, not you. Take a stand. You don't have to tolerate this. At all. Why do you think he has the upperhand? You have just as much power--stand up for yourself and tell him you aren't going to play second fiddle to the homewrecking masseuse. Tell him if he wants her, he can have her and file for divorce/support, etc.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's not a 2nd EA, it's always just been the one EA because he never ended it. Just hid it better from you until you found out again.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

love to read said:


> Why can't he love me and not need anyone else?


He CAN. He chooses not to. What are your boundaries?? My H has one chance. If he cheats again, he is out the door. What was your agreement when you stayed??


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

love to read said:


> He has seen her in her underwear, he admits to seeing her about every 2 weeks. She phones him on his cell, he goes outside for his privacy. He took her to lunch for her birthday. He paid her cell phone for 6 months+ until Dday this last time. He swears it is over, he feels awful for hurting me again. ALthough he says there was no sex, he just could not let it go that far.


 Why do you believe that it was not also a Physical Affair (PA)? They always lie and say that there was no sex.


----------



## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

I was born with low self esteem. I feel like he has the upper hand in terms of security and the power because he has someone he could go to and I would have no one. Also I am so far from family and the income is from his pensions and this scares me, to be left with nothing. We built a home here and other than that I have nothing but a small savings. He has someone to adore him and stroke his ego and I don't. So he is holding the cards so to speak. I just think perhaps that if it were sexual that the guilt would have killed him, he is Jewish and oddly enough has very strong values...or I am deluding myself....I don't want to be alone and I don't want to start over. I want to see some effort on his part, some "I love you and I am so sorry for what I've done" would go a long way with me. I feel 95% certain however that if this started up again it would end our marriage.....and if i don't see more cheaters remorse from him, maybe before. Thank you all for your advice.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

You should assume the worst, that it was a PA. Of course he's going to tell you there was no sex. If you are sexually active with him make sure you get a full screen for STDs especially HPV which can lead to cervical cancer.

You would receive part of his pension if you divorced, I am not sure about other details if he divorced in CR but if the pension is american based you would be entitled to half. You need to consult an attorney just to know exactly what the situation is. Please do this no matter what, and collect/ save all evidence you have of his affair.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She's playing your husband and he's a sap for believing a woman her age would have genuine feelings for him.


----------



## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

I sure think so, especially since many male expats here in Costa Rica are single old farts and the Ticas are after security and money and support for their entire families. Maybe my husband is the one with low self esteem to have done this behavior in the first place. I don't need a 40 year old guy to drool all over me! I happen to prefer my comfortable easygoing marriage of familiarity. I have earned it after 30 years to not need to work so hard at life and love.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you should have a heart to heart conversation with him.Alot of the stuff you've written here is very touching and if he had an ounce of sympathy he'd be receptive to your sadness. I think you should definitely research what you can get out of him after 30 years of marriage if he continues to be like this. No one deserves to live this way.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

love to read said:


> I was born with low self esteem. I feel like he has the upper hand in terms of security and the power because he has someone he could go to and I would have no one. Also I am so far from family and the income is from his pensions and this scares me, to be left with nothing. We built a home here and other than that I have nothing but a small savings. He has someone to adore him and stroke his ego and I don't. So he is holding the cards so to speak. I just think perhaps that if it were sexual that the guilt would have killed him, he is Jewish and oddly enough has very strong values...or I am deluding myself....I don't want to be alone and I don't want to start over. I want to see some effort on his part, some "I love you and I am so sorry for what I've done" would go a long way with me. I feel 95% certain however that if this started up again it would end our marriage.....and if i don't see more cheaters remorse from him, maybe before. Thank you all for your advice.


Your H will need a cold and bitter dose of reality before he understands how much damage he has done, and you have a great deal more power than you realize. I believe that you may be deluding yourself a bit too. I also thought that my H would feel too much guilt to have a sexual relationship with another woman, so I believed him ( at first ) when he admitted to me that he had been involved in a" flirtation". The OW was 20+ years younger and foreign. His " flirtation" was in fact a 9 month PA with all the trimmings. When I wormed it out of him ( the PA part ) I told him to pack his sh!t and get out. I don't work , but I have no intention of sharing my man with some slime ball OW ;even if I have to live under a bridge. I was absolutely serious and he knew it. He told me that there was no money for us to live apart and he didn't want that, that he loved me, and on and on. He is usually not a talker, but he talked all night trying to convince me to let him stay.The next day he sent her an e-mail telling her not to contact him again. A no contact letter is necessary and a lot of work on your H's part, other wise you really don't have much more than another heartache waiting to happen. As long as he doesn't have to choose he will go on cake eating. Good luck to you.


----------



## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

I have continued to read this forum, all the info for newbies and it all hits so close to home. I have emailed a few links for H to read and he is reading and processing all of it. He especially "gets" that I have many questions and he must be willing to tell all, to be transparent. I have additionally found out the OW was down to panties on one of the occasions as she gave him a massage for his back and front and another time off went the bra and he pulled off her panties. He says she likes to be without clothes. I am one for details with my OCD. She has no pube hair, her boobs don't sag, he kept his khaki shorts on each time, he did caress her, play with the boobs and nipples, butt and gave her a massage, but, drew the line and stopped at that. He said she never had a climax and he didnt either. He totally swears it went no further and only those 2 times were they intimate to that extent. She also would give him pedicures. Between the massages, pedicures and cell phone bills payments, this could have been close to $100 a month, in the local currency of colones= 50,000 colones. They both vowed to keep each other a secret from everyone and she doesn't understand the big deal that a husband has someone on the side, ALL Latinos do, it is part of the culture. He told her I was a very jealous person, on antidepressants, menopause made having sex painful so I had problems in that area. And he told her he did not want to throw away what we have together in our 30 year marriage, hence his no sex rule. I believe him but I also think he has no more chances. He has a long way to go before I trust him again, if ever I do. I asked him if maybe being out of the USA with all the mores and being in a foreign country where all the men do it, makes him feel it is easier to do this stuff...he said maybe, yes. We are going to strive for the big R. My ultimatum is 3rd strike with Irma or anyone and he is out. I will tell our daughters, our friends and we will share custody of our yellow Lab. I will not be the one to be kicked out. After my dirst Dday in 2010 I realize I did not allow myself to work on this difficult process. I did not force him to work on it either. I did take it personally and started weight lifting, exercising,coloring my hair, wearing it in a sexier style even though it didn't feel like me. So this Dday #2 in Dec. I have stayed in the pain and feelings and they are texbook all over the place and different one day to the next. Yesterday I was sad and withdrawn, today questions and anger. Thanks one and all for listening.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, I am sure she is genuinally interested in him..:lol:

I would do the 180 that is suggested on this site and wait...actually on a show the other day they said that there is a 3% chance of relationships that start as affairs to work out. So if he wants to blow it all on some woman who is probably just looking for a meal ticket then let him.


----------



## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

where can I find info on the 180?


----------

