# Saw EA forming W house guest- trigger for me



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I have had the most unusual two weeks. Former sister n law of 20 years came to visit with my niece. She stayed two weeks with me. She is "former" because she is a habitual cheater and my brother just got sick of it and finally left her. They remain friendly and the whole family is just glad they are done but we are all still cordial to her due to the kids. She has been remarried to another man for a year. 

During her visit I noticed her Iphone was glued to her. She eventually confessed that she has been talking to a "friend". Someone who is helping her deal with her marital problem which are the typical, "he doesnt' talk, we have no sex, etc etc." She has no clue that my spouse and I just went thru his EA and are in counseling etc...I just never wanted to share that with her since she is a serial EA and PA cheater. 

The weirdest part was watching this unfold and trying not to rip her head off. They've only been talking since May- and the contrast between how she talks to her husband and this man is huge. Talk about deep fog.....example, 

Me- "hey would you like a diet coke?" 

Her- Oh Todd loves diet cokes, whenever I hear that world I think of him" 

Todd this, todd that...blah blah blah.....where her laundry list of complaints about her spouse were a mile long. He doesn't stand a chance and the worst part is he is unaware of it. 

Triggers = It did set me back some because I kept thinking of my WS's EA---_how this is how they sound in the beginning_ when they are all mushy and discovering all the details of one another. They are giddy with anticipation at being able to talk again. 

It really was like watching a train wreck and as much as I could wrap my brain around the power and aphrodisiac nature of affairs, seeing it form was like watching a hurricane pull together and gain strength, just waiting for the damage when it passes.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could you tip the poor deluded husband off?


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I'm hoping her suspects, because she did say he is acting aloof and perhaps he's doing some evidence gathering. Stevie Wonder could see her red flag behavior. Phone goes everywhere, even in bathroom for shower time...the cold detached conversation style when he called. Her lack of interest in the marriage which I'm sure has detects. 

It was just so wierd to watch a EA gathering steam. Amazing how crumbs (from OM) can outweigh the bond between spouses. 
Course I know she is damaged goods and that marriage was doomed from the start but I never dreamed she wouldn't even let the ink dry on the marriage certificate before fooling around. 

I even gave her the big "brain chemical" speech and how she should focus on her wonderful husband- fell on deaf ears.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Crazy, I just had the same trigger last night. Posted a thread last night about my gf's cousin confessing an affair to her. Didn't trigger me into direct thoughts of my xw, but today I'm feeling that by not saying anything of my knowledge that I will be, in essence, enabling the affair. Hard...where is the line for when it's appropriate to be the person to expose? Or is there even a line? Weird day. Sorry you're dealing with this too.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I know- it's like she is setting her husband up to fail. No matter how he tries to be nice to her, she is determined to ruin it by putting the OM on a pedestal. 

She is basically crying on his shoulder about her marriage ( like she did my brother) but she is the type who will just screw around and never pull the trigger on leaving. Total cake eater. 

Good questions about exposure- when does one tell the spouse?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How old is your niece? Is she too young to visit with you on her own? I can understand how triggering you must have found her antics and, frankly, I wouldn't have her under my roof - particularly as you're having to witness her doing to her H what she did to your brother. A double whammy in the trigger department, OP.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> I know- it's like she is setting her husband up to fail. No matter how he tries to be nice to her, she is determined to ruin it by putting the OM on a pedestal.
> 
> She is basically crying on his shoulder about her marriage ( like she did my brother) but she is the type who will just screw around and never pull the trigger on leaving. Total cake eater.
> 
> Good questions about exposure- when does one tell the spouse?


They really are unbelievable aren't they. If you did not see it with your own eyes you'd have trouble believing it wouldn't you?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Oh man... Can't you tip that other poor bastard? Send him something anonymous or something, just to give him a heads up at least.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Oh man... Can't you tip that other poor bastard? Send him something anonymous or something, just to give him a heads up at least.


I agree. He needs to know as soon as possible!


----------



## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Could you tip the poor deluded husband off?


:iagree:
I would tell the husband. Even if he does suspect, hearing it from someone else would help him to feel like he isn't crazy and that his gut instinct is right, it would probably also give him the extra push he needs to confront her. I'm sure if someone had seen the EA your H was having unfolding you would have wanted them to tell you. I don't think I could handle the guilt of knowing but not saying anything, but that's just me.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> Good questions about exposure- when does one tell the spouse?


Here's a better question. When should you not?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Expose the affair, so you can get a good night sleep tonight. What the betrayed husband does with the info is up to him.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> Good questions about exposure- when does one tell the spouse?


My answer: ONLY when you have irrefutable proof. Despite her conversations with you, she can still deny, deny, deny. She can still play it off as jokes, or she will most likely demonize you, saying you're just trying to destroy their marriage, maybe even tell her BH that you've wanted her all along. The BH also isn't going to take your word over his wife's unless you have tangible proof.

But it does sound like he suspects something is going on and is still in evidence gathering mode. He may even be on one of the infidelity support sites.

Still, I wouldn't expose without proof.


----------

