# Getting the Silent Treatment



## MariaLuisa (Jun 11, 2012)

My husband has a horrible temper. Has never been physically abusive, but the name calling and insults have been going on for years. We have been married for almost 9 years. The past few years he has begun giving me the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. We have 2 children, and I feel like I can't count on him to do anything if he won't even talk to me. He is deliberately mean to me and my oldest child and makes it a point to let it be known he is ignoring me. I think this is childish behavior and am at the point I just want this marriage to end. He scares me, but I would never tell him. How can I make him see that what he is doing is wrong? After he is done with the silent treatment, he will just act normal as if nothing ever happened and I am expected to act like he hasn't been a total jerk for the past week. I need a friend to talk to because I am too embarrassed to share this with anyone I actually know


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

What consequences does he have for giving you the silent treatment or name calling for that matter. I would not tolerate that kind of disrespect. I would make it clear that I'm gone if I cannot be treated like he would want to be treated.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. HE should! If you keep silent about his treatment, you are allowing him to continue. Does his or your family know how he treats you? Friends? I wouldn't let another day pass without telling him that unless he changes, everyone will know the type of man he really is. This is abuse, pure and simple.


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## MariaLuisa (Jun 11, 2012)

I know it's totally my fault because there are no consequences. I have shut d.own and refuse to fight or stand up for myself. I am exhausted from all the years of fighting. This all began as we were grocery shopping. We left the store (he got mad) and in the car called me a f-ing zombie and began to degrade me. I told him I hated him. Which I know is a wrong thing to say and have never said those words to anyone else in my life. But that is how he makes me feel when he does that. I can't eat, sleep, and feel so bad that my children are a witness to this childish behavior. Is it better to divorce and try to repair or stay when it seems hopeless? I have kept a journal for years, and looking back it has never changed.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Put yourself in your children's shoes. How would you feel. I would never put up with being called names. That is emotional abuse and you are teaching your children its ok by taking it.

My H gave me the silent treatment once and slept on the couch in 18 years of marriage. I went on my merry way and left him at home and took the kids out for dinner and came home laughing. I told him that if he wanted a silent house, he could be by himself, but I would not endure it and the kids should not be subjected to it. Last time that happened, because he knows I respect myself and will not continue in a marriage if that is how he treats his wife.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Maria, I agree with the advice Shiksa has given you. You should establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. But please tell us, how does your H transition in and out of these hateful moods? Are they event-triggered -- by some minor thing he misinterprets -- in only a few seconds? Do the temper tantrums typically last about five hours, with the cold withdrawals typically lasting one or two days? Is he loving and caring to you when not in such hateful mood? 

Also, does he usually do black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"? Did he have a rough childhood, experiencing any abuse or abandonment? Is he verbally abusive to people outside the family or, rather, only to you and your oldest child? Finally, has he shown an inability to trust, i.e., irrational jealousy? 

I ask these questions because, with all the childish temper tantrums occurring, it sounds like he may have an anger issue that originated in early childhood but was temporarily suppressed during your courtship.


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## SW100 (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi 
I too have had a very similar experience with my husband (we have two children too), on and off for years. It had got much worse recently which resulted in him moving out (i insisted on it !). I, like you, had put up with dreadful verbal abuse and periods of being completely ignored for days. He was in a world of his own and may as well not even have been in the house most of the time. I thought it was me for a long time but now realise that it is some sort of problem that he has, which at long last, he has acknowledged and is trying to deal with. He is very very remorseful of his horrible behaviour and i believe it was stress/anxiety/depression related.

The best advice i can give you is GET TOUGH, you have nothing to lose. He will continue to behave like this as he is getting away with it, you need to let him know you wont tolerate it.
We are now trying to re build our relationship,so far so good but its early days.
I wish you luck and hope this helps xx


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Verbal/emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. You need some immediate professional help. Please keep posting and know that we'll be thinking of you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's NOT your fault! Your husband IS abusive. It's verbal abuse, which is just as bad as physical abuse. You need to protect your children and get them out of that situation. I was highly verbally abused while married to my first husband. I packed up my daughter and clothes, got the heck out of there. Standing up for myself escalated his behavior. There was no way on earth I was going to put myself and my daughter through this.

I'm so happy I did. I remarried a wonderful nice man who treats all our children and I with respect! 

It's not your fault! I'm sure he instilled it in your brain that it was. He is wrong! No one deserves to be treated that way ever!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband is abusive.



MariaLuisa said:


> How can I make him see that what he is doing is wrong?


You can't "make him see" anything. Either he acknowledges it on his own and does something about it or he doesn't. All you can do is tell him how it makes you feel when he does this and tell him what you will/will not tolerate. You need to state your boundaries. 

He does it as a form of control and punishment. Habitual silent treatment IS *emotional abuse*. Especially when he continues to do it after you've told him it hurts your feelings.

My exH used to do this too--for weeks on end. It gets really fvcking old and it was at the top of reasons why I left him. It wears you down, slowly until it breaks you. And it's no way to live. 

You mention he's got a bad temper, is mean, calls you names/insults you, sulks, and does it all the time and then pretends as if nothing happened. This is not healthy and isn't the way someone who loves you should treat you. Your kids are picking up on this unhealthy dynamic.

The fact that you say he scares you really says it all. It is said that emotional abuse is even worse than physical abuse.


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## MariaLuisa (Jun 11, 2012)

Thank you all for the feedback, this is so emotionally helpful! He is very disrespectful in general. He blows up at the smallest things, and yes, he sees things as right or wrong, no in between. This is day 5 of the silent treatment and I can expect it to last a few more days, when he will finally say, are you ready to talk, or make a joke and try to have sex with me. Or he will apologize and expect me to smile as if nothing happened. He recently went through a period where following his mother's death, he and his father did not speak for 2.5 years. He is in counseling for other things and I think I may suggest that we both go next time. I would leave in a heartbeat, but I dread the shared parenting because he does not have a healthy relationship with our 7 year old (which is all my fault, according to him). I have struggled for years, whether it is better to stay or go, (all for the sake of the kids). Now I see that it is probably worse staying, that they think this is how a woman should be treated. It is a very unhealthy situation for them. I don't earn enough money to support me and the kids on my own, and we have debt that is all in my name. If it were me alone, I would live in my car before putting up with this. We do not have a healthy relationship, and to be honest he is disgusting. We have not kissed in years due to his lack of hygiene, don't sleep in the same bed, and there is no physical contact beyond the occasional sex to satisfy him. I sound like an idiot, I know, for even sticking around as long as I have. My top priority are my kids. All I want to do is what is best for them.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Uptown said:


> I ask these questions because, with all the childish temper tantrums occurring, it sounds like he may have an anger issue that originated in early childhood but was temporarily suppressed during your courtship.


Shout out Uptown! I think you're right on track here. Most people don't bring out all their dirty laundry during courtship making for a lot of surprises after the knot is tied. It sure explains why my wife was in such a hurry to get married.

The silent treatment is textbook passive aggression while name calling is fairly active aggression. The op's husband has both.

MariaLuisa, tell your husband he has to quit his bad behavior. If he doesn't quit, tell him he needs to enroll in an anger management program and start showing progress. If he doesn't do that, get intervention from family, friends or church. If that doesn't work, write back for more ideas. How he treats you is only half the message to your kids. What you do is the other half. Show them that you can lovingly bend over backwards to give him an opportunity to redeem himself and that you have the strength to take direct action if he chooses not to take you up on your offer.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Maria, you left most of my questions unanswered. Well, that's okay. Your last post strongly suggests you have no interest in figuring out what may be wrong with your abusive H. You are so disgusted with him and his abuse that you simply want to walk away. Believe me, I do understand. I therefore decided yesterday to stop participating in your thread.

This morning, however, I find myself being egged on by TenYearHubby. So I will make one more try. The reason is that, if your H has strong traits of a personality disorder -- as I suspect -- it may have been passed on genetically to one of your two children. I therefore believe that _"what is wrong with him"_ is something you should consider and not ignore.


MariaLuisa said:


> He is very disrespectful in general. He blows up at the smallest things, and yes, he sees things as right or wrong, no in between..... which is all my fault, according to him.


Maria, these behaviors -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, blame-shifting, always being "The Victim," cold withdrawal, and black-white thinking -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I am NOT saying he "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether his traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD.

Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether to stay married to your H, you don't need to know whether his traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when those traits fall well short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable, harm your children, and destroy a marriage. Moreover, strong BPD traits are easy to identify when occurring in a man you've been living with for nearly 9 years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about behavior such as verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

Significantly, I don't know for sure that he is a BPDer (i.e.,whether he has most BPD traits at a strong level). I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of BPD traits) if you take time to read about them. I therefore suggest that you read about BPD traits so you know how to spot the red flags.


> I think this is childish behavior.


That is an understatement. If he has strong BPD traits, his emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. He therefore is limited to the ego defenses (e.g., temper tantrums, projection, and blame-shifting) that are available to every young child.


> He scares me, but I would never tell him.


If he is a BPDer, you should be scared. Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, they can be dangerous even though -- at heart -- they generally are good people.


> How can I make him see that what he is doing is wrong?


If he is a BPDer, you CAN'T. His ego is so fragile and unstable that he cannot tolerate too much of the truth. His self conscious therefore protects his ego by projecting all sorts of absurd allegations onto you and your oldest child. Because his feelings are so intense, his conscious mind is convinced that these projections MUST be true. In that way, strong BPD traits distort a man's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. 

That distortion likely is occurring, however, only inside the family. He likely treats strangers and casual friends and business associates just fine. None of those people pose a threat to his two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. There is no intimacy to cause engulfment and no close relationship that can be abandoned. Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of drawing close to him. This is why your H likely has no close long term friends (unless they live a long distance away).


> After he is done with the silent treatment, he will just act normal as if nothing ever happened.


That is the way black-white thinking works. In ten seconds, a BPDer can flip from hating you to loving you -- and he can flip back just as quickly. I describe it at the link provided below.


> I dread the shared parenting because he does not have a healthy relationship with our 7 year old.


If you decide he has most BPD traits at a strong level, an excellent resource is the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" board at BPDFamily.com - Boards. There, you can get advice from hundreds of folks who are struggling with the same issues.

At this point, I suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. And, for a discussion about the icy passive-aggressive withdrawal, I suggest you see Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. If those discussions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to other online resources. Take care, Maria.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*I would leave in a heartbeat, but I dread the shared parenting because he does not have a healthy relationship with our 7 year old (which is all my fault, according to him*_

Elaborate. What is going on with him and your 7 year old? 

If you truly want the best for your kid(s), then removing them from an abusive environment is key. 

Your husband is abusive. You need to acknowledge that. This is not a normal or healthy reationship. 

Get a job and start saving money so you can move on with your life... or tolerate more of the same.

Honestly, it's not way to live. You'd be happier single than with someone who has no respect for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotional abuse articles:

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse

Stonewalling: How Abusers Express Anger by Saying Nothing at All

_*What is Emotional Abuse?*

No one broad definition covers all aspects of what constitutes emotional abuse, but generally speaking, the following types of behavior occur with regularity in the emotionally abusive relationship

•Attacks on personal character
•Blame and accusations
•Shame and judging
•Sarcasm and twisting what you say
•Rewriting history
•Playing the victim
•Manipulation, control and coercion
•Unpredictable explosions
•Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
•Swearing
•Intimidation
•Escalating situations or refusing to discuss a situation by not speaking at all_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and get this book: _Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men_ by Lundy Bancroft. 

It has a wealth of information about abusive men/people and will give you chills. 

You can get it at your local library for free. Great book. Very enlightening/informative.

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

MariaLuisa said:


> My husband has a horrible temper. Has never been physically abusive, but the name calling and insults have been going on for years. We have been married for almost 9 years. The past few years he has begun giving me the silent treatment for days or weeks at a time. We have 2 children, and I feel like I can't count on him to do anything if he won't even talk to me. He is deliberately mean to me and my oldest child and makes it a point to let it be known he is ignoring me. I think this is childish behavior and am at the point I just want this marriage to end. He scares me, but I would never tell him. How can I make him see that what he is doing is wrong? After he is done with the silent treatment, he will just act normal as if nothing ever happened and I am expected to act like he hasn't been a total jerk for the past week. I need a friend to talk to because I am too embarrassed to share this with anyone I actually know



OMG, this was an issue with me and my husband. He use to get angry a lot. His temper was so bad that I was thinking about leaving him. We would also go through days of not speaking to each other. I thought it was childish. Very childish because we would argue over very stupid stuff. I'm talking the kind of stupid that would be too embarrassing to tell anyone about, but I did tell someone. I told my mother. She would always take his side because he's much younger than me. It took months, but his anger subsided--not completely gone but way much better than when we first started off. I warned him in the beginning that his anger would cost our marriage failing. He knew how much it hurt so he changed. Unfortunately after we got past that the silent treatment got worse. Idk. Maybe he felt if he couldn't express the anger he'd just be silent. The silent treatment and not really communicating when we needed to led to the even bigger problem of us now being separated for over a month now. Silence was just one of a couple of other problems. But I understand how you feel with the silent treatment thing. It started off with us going one day in silence. It changed to three days and then a week, then it changed to one of us actually leaving the house to go to relative... It gets worse if the problem is left unresolved. Hope all turns out well for you two.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well that's just is--abusers generally get worse over time--so does the abuse.

Also, I wanted to add: that most abuse IS premeditated. Abusers know exactly what they are doing when they treat you this way. It's why they prob wouldn't treat, say, their boss, the same way as the way they treat you. It is coldly calculating.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

You need to consult an attorney regarding the debt. Just because its in your name, you may not be responsible for all of it. Your H may also be required to pay support to you if you separate. Just because you consult an attorney, doesn't mean you have to finalize a divorce, but you will know your options. You may also qualify for gov. assistance to get on your feet.

Are you in counseling? You can't change your H, but you can change you. It may help you deal with the situation and see the forest for the trees in the abuse. I think you can leave, but you need to be stronger emotionally to do it. Do you have family? Can they help or provide a temporary place to stay? Do they know what is going on? Keeping silent about his abuse is key for him to continue with his behavior.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ... This is not healthy and isn't the way someone who loves you should treat you. Your kids are picking up on this unhealthy dynamic. ...


Growing up in the environment described by the OP could well lead to the kids accepting silent treatment abuse in their own relationships when they are older. 

I have only relatively recently stopped tolerating silent treatment in my marriage. Maybe the reason I put up with it for so long was that it was the norm in my parents marriage. My poor dad was subject to this from my mother for weeks (maybe months) on end. For sure she has some degree of personality disorder. 

MariaLuisa - I do feel for you and hope that you can find the strength to make the changes necessary to help yourself and your children.


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