# In so much pain



## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

My husband and I are separating in a week 1/2. I've been in so much pain for the past few months, wanting to R and willing to forgive him for the EA he had, but he doesn't want to. I used to have so much hope, which is brought back to life then killed every time he asks me "What would you do if I stayed?" or "I was considering staying today," only for him to immediately say "But it's not going to happen."

If I'm hurting this much now, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like that day when we move apart. I'm seeing a therapist and plan to get evaluated for depression and anxiety, but even those seem like it might not work. I feel like I've failed as a wife, and if the man who has vowed to love me till death do us part is leaving me, how can I be sure that anyone will ever love me again?

Is there anyone who's going through/went through what I am? Any advice on how to breathe again?


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

UsagiNeko said:


> My husband and I are separating in a week 1/2. I've been in so much pain for the past few months, wanting to R and willing to forgive him for the EA he had, but he doesn't want to. I used to have so much hope, which is brought back to life then killed every time he asks me "What would you do if I stayed?" or "I was considering staying today," only for him to immediately say "But it's not going to happen."
> 
> If I'm hurting this much now, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like that day when we move apart. I'm seeing a therapist and plan to get evaluated for depression and anxiety, but even those seem like it might not work. I feel like I've failed as a wife, and if the man who has vowed to love me till death do us part is leaving me, how can I be sure that anyone will ever love me again?
> 
> Is there anyone who's going through/went through what I am? Any advice on how to breathe again?



Sorry you are going through this. If you want him to love you all the days of your life, immediately start ignoring his ass. Right now it sounds like he has no respect for you. Focus on getting yourself together and do a 180. After you focus on you, you may realize that he wasn't the prize you thought him to be. Best wishes.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Your husband is like mine....only gives false hope then yanks it away. I have been hurting for over 18 months. I am sorry you are too. My story is the broken thread. I was told things like if we were to get back together then...... only for him never to return. 

You have to stop your hopeful thinking now as it will only suck you in and is harder to dig your way back out. Please try for yourself as i hate for anyone to feel how i have. Its mind games they play. Someone once told me to dont get my hopes up from his words if his actions aren't following through. It only hurts you more in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Usagi, I am new to this like you. My wife just moved out pretty unexpectedly just the other day. Like 2much2soon says, look into the 180. I will try to post a link.

It is a set of rules to live by when you have been rejected. Do this for yourself, not your husband. In my case, I ended up feeling better very quickly. In essence, it gives you the steps necessary to gain control of your own emotions.

Most importantly, know that you are not alone.

link to the '180'
http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180http://


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Giving you hope only to snatch it away is cruel. When he makes it sound like he might want to R or stay, ignore him. Don't say anything. Keep your face neutral. He is doing it to get a reaction. Don't give it to him.


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## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks for your help guys. Reading the 180 list has already given me some motivation to try to heal, even if it does take a while.


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## Desert2Ocean (Aug 18, 2012)

Right now you are in an extremely vulnerable position. Divorce is second only to the death of a child/parent/sibling when it comes to life stressors. I remember not even being able to walk in my neighborhood because i would see families walking and think of myself as such a failure. Your husband had an EA and no matter how he choses to place that blame upon you, he CHOSE to go outside of the marriage. You heart is aching and your rational mind has turned itself off. Taking him back without intensive intervention/counseling and true remorse gives you nothing more than a hollow marriage and a man who thinks it is ok to go outside of the marriage for his needs. You do not want or deserve that. Also, if he is remorseful, does therapy and you believe that he truly deserves your forgiveness, then forgive him. Otherwise, your marriage will be one of inequality and distrust. DON'T RUSH INTO ANYTHING. Let him move out until things cool down. If he truly wants to be back, time won't change that, it will only make it stronger. I wish you well and even though it was hard for me to believe it, you will get through this.


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## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

This afternoon, I had the opportunity to forget my pain for a little while. My husband and I went to Water World to celebrate the end of summer vacation (for him at least, he's going to college). I was in the wave pool while he sat down to relax and take in the sun, and while I was in there, I felt like all of my sadness and my pain at least for those moments were being washed away in the water. I was having fun getting hit by the multiple waves, which was also nostalgic making me remember the beach when I was a kid. I let myself lie down in the shallow end, rolling around in the water (there must be something about it that soothes me). I felt at peace and almost attractive for the first time in a long while. 

It was then that I noticed my husband staring at me from a distance, as if he was admiring me, and that's when I remembered the part in the 180 list that says to be confident, cheerful, and attractive. I still have a long way to go to fully master the 180, but for that moment it felt like it was beginning to work, not just because he may have been gazing at the woman he once fell in love with, but because I took one small step to helping myself heal and love myself again, even if it was for just that moment.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like a lovely afternoon, Usagi. Keep up the 180, not for your husband, but for you and your confidence will continue to grow.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Glad to hear you're feeling better. I'm on an emotional high right now too. Looking to make it last as long as possible


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