# Many marriage issues...



## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for two years, and have been together for six years, and things have been relatively normal until recent months. My husband and I have both been working a lot, which I understand stress can be hard on a person, and a relationship, but I think there are deeper issues at play here.

Sex:
Our first issue is sex. The amount of sex we're having had been reduced due to the amount of time we both spend working. It dwindled down to once per week or less when we used to have sex two or three times per week. A few months ago, we agreed to schedule sex twice per week, because my husband was becoming sexually frustrated, but scheduling sex has not helped his attitude. He continues to pressure me to have sex at inconvenient times or very late at night on a work night, when all I want to do is get some sleep. He is upset and agitated if we spend any time at all together and it does not end in sex. He talks to me like I'm not putting out enough, even when we are meeting or exceeding our twice per week goal.

I really do not enjoy giving blow jobs. I tend to only do it for him on special occasions, and in the past, that has been acceptable, but recently, he asked me to do it at least once per week. I tried this for a few weeks, and he asked me to "pretend to like it" because the fact that I keep gagging makes it hard for him to get off. This upset me because our relationship has always been built on honesty and trust, and now he basically wants me to lie to him. (It's not like I can control my gag reflex anyways.) It also upsets me because he seems to have no regard for my feelings. Even with regular sex, foreplay has become non-existent. He just gets down to business, whether I'm ready or not, leaving me sore. He used to try to hold off and try to get me to orgasm but he doesn't do that anymore. If I'm not wet enough for him right away, he just gets mad at me, instead of trying to woo me, like he used to.

Money:
My husband brought more that $100,000 worth of debt to the marriage with a car loan and a butt load of student loans, but we have budgeted everything out, made some realistic goals, and have been meeting them well. We have paid off more than $20,000 in debt over the past two years. I think we're doing pretty well for ourselves, but my husband has some financial mood swings. Sometimes he freaks out and panics, saying we're not paying off the loans fast enough. Usually this happens when I want or need to buy something. We could not afford for me to buy new bras when many of my old bras were starting to fall apart in the wash or stretch out too much to wear. He also freaked out when my parents stopped paying for my cell phone so I had to get my own plan. But yet we could afford to take a trip to New York City for him to visit B&H to buy some expensive camera equipment for his photography hobby. He has a very expensive photography hobby, and we agreed that he could buy one expensive piece of equipment per year, just to pace it out, and make sure we can still make our loan payments. He's already bought two expensive things this year without batting an eye.

He has also accused me of spending too much of "his money" on more than one occasion, when we have OUR money in one bank account. We BOTH work full time. I try not to bring up the fact that I actually make more money than he does and I was not in any debt before we got married, because I like to think of us as a team and our money and OUR money, but lately our money is "his money" and he can spend away without getting my permission, while I need permission to buy new underwear.

Jealousy:
My husband is a jealous person. I first noticed it when we were planning our wedding. Friends of his had just gotten married and he really wanted to outdo their wedding. We just didn't have the money for that. His friends were ten years older than us, better established and their parents paid off their student debt. We were not in the same position. That's okay with me. We just do what we can with the resources we have available to us and we can have our own memorable wedding. It was a huge fight to get him to concede the open bar, inviting more than 400 guests, and serving an expensive seafood entree, but we compromised. He got his expensive wedding band, and we found affordable ways to make our wedding look expensive, and when all was said and done he said he was very happy with our wedding.

Though now, he is upset that many of his co-workers own homes, have children, and go on long vacations. I keep trying to remind him that we're young. I'm only 25 and he's 27. We have time, and in time, we'll have all of that too, but every other week, he'll have an absolute melt down about the fact that he doesn't get to do or have everything that his co-workers do and have.

Negativity:
There has been a lot of negativity about many things. I know our lives aren't perfect but they're not bad either, and he's been having trouble seeing the good in anything.

He always complains about how terrible his job is, and how he wants a new one and wants to quit, but he works for a great company, with much opportunity for advancement and raises. He just got a $2/hour raise in January. The hours are super flexible. The benefits are fantastic. He likes his coworkers. His commute is easy. He can get as much overtime as he wants. His job is secure. His 401k plan is unheard of with his company matching contributions up to 6%. He's a chemist, but he complains he doesn't like bench lab work and wants to do field biology work. I understand his annoyance, but in this economy, I think he's doing pretty well for himself. And though I make more money than he does right now, I know he'll surpass me in a few years, if he has the patience to stick with it.

He is also super negative about where we live. We are very lucky to live close to my family. They invite us over for dinner a lot, saving us money on groceries. My grandparents own a horse farm. My husband and I have two horses that we don't even have to pay for because they live on the family farm. There are 40 acres of woods with trails on this farm with many, many opportunities for him to hone his photography skills, since nature photography is his favorite... yet all he does is complain about it. He doesn't utilize what's available to him, and he calls his horse "pain in the ass".

He hates our apartment because we don't have a dish washer and he doesn't like the plaster walls... ignoring the fact that the rent is phenomenal, our land lords are super nice, and it's HUGE.

Restlessness:
Over the past two weeks restlessness has become an issue. He complains that he doesn't want to be "tied down". He started looking at new jobs in North Carolina (we live in Pennsylvania). I explained that we both have good jobs here, and a lot of good things going for us with my family nearby for help. His family is not too far away either. They are only a 2 hours drive away. I also explained the logistics of a big move like that, and how we just cannot afford it right now. I told him that, in a few years, when the loans are paid off, we can talk about moving, if he's really unhappy here. I also explained that if he wants to buy a house and have kids, he's going to have to be tied down, and if he wants to get ahead in a job, he's going to have to commit to it and be tied down. This is when he accused me of being unsupportive of him.

Sexist comments:
My husband was raised in a household where his mom did all the housework, even though she worked full time. Since we've been living together, we agreed that while both of us are working, we work together to take care of the house. It's been mostly okay. He's not as neat of a person as I am so I do tend to clean more, but he's been pulling his weight by doing a lot of the cooking. Lately he's been coming home, plopping down in his chair, or disappearing to play video games and complaining that I don't cook for him enough, and he has not acknowledged the fact that I've been cleaning the bathroom, folding all the laundry, hand washing all the dishes, and that I have actually been cooking dinner more often than he has recently. One day, he came home, and told me “he expected more to be done when he got home.” The way he's been talking to me lately has implied that he's expecting me to do more housework because I'm the wife, and he's told me he's jealous of some of his male coworkers who have dinner on the table when they get home. This is great if this is what their wives want to do, and if their wives don't work just as many, if not more hours than their husbands, but this is not true of our situation, and this attitude of his is very upsetting to me.

Overall, he just seems, really, really unhappy, and his unhappiness is growing. I can't put my finger on exactly why he's unhappy. For the first 5 years we were together, he wasn't like this at all. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm not afraid of him leaving or wanting a divorce because he honestly can't afford to live on his own, financially, without me, but that's not any way to live for either of us. I want to ease his distress, but beyond staying rational, and trying to be understanding, I don't know what to do. I've tried to be honest and tell him how I feel, but that hasn't worked... Any advice?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

If you have not already done so, I suggest reading His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages and asking him to do the same.

You are obviously intelligent and sensible which are both important issues in your favour.

If he wants sex when you are tired, how about first thing in the morning - get the day off to a great start! 

Others will, I hope, have more, possibly better suggestions.

Good luck.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

Thank you for recommending the books. I will look into them.

I want to try some counseling, but I need to convince my husband that it would be a good idea. He's skeptical of the success rates of counselors and therapists. The last time I suggested it he shot down the idea with quite a lot of anger.

We have already sorted out the sex the best we can. We have sex on weekend mornings (and sometimes afternoons too). During the week, we have sex before dinner. We are both out of the house by 7 am and get home between 6 and 9 pm depending on overtime. Sometimes he gets home first, and sometimes I do. I find that if it's 9 pm on a work night and I've just eaten a large meal, I am not in the mood for sex at all, but if we do it before we eat, I'm usually game. My biggest concern is the fact that, even with the scheduled sex and the increased frequency, his sexual appetite is still not satisfied. I often find him following me around mere hours after we've just had sex, dry humping me, touching me inappropriately and coming on to me in a way that's less loving and more demeaning.

When we were dating, I was almost always the one to initiate sex. He even told me I was tiring him out a few times before! He was completely okay with a few times per week, or more or less. He just seemed happy to spend time with me, no matter what we were doing. I miss that...

The jealousy issues have thrown me for a loop as well. The first few years of our relationship, he wore ripped up, old jeans, and drove an old rust bucket of a car. He made friend with anyone and everyone. He let his hair grow out. He just didn't care what anyone thought of him. This is what attracted me to him in the first place. Now he's so worried about driving the new car, having the bigger TV, owning a home and having kids just to fit in with his coworkers. And he's overly concerned about his appearance.

The funny thing is, I've met his coworkers and they're all really nice people. They're not stuck up. They don't give me the impression that they're made of money, nor that they expect us to be in order to be friends with them.

I worry about his health as well. Not only is he irritable (which I'm sure is not helped by stress related and unrelated to our marriage), but he's been losing weight without trying. He's 5'9" and weighs less than 125 lbs. I've urged him to see a doctor but he refuses.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

> I often find him following me around mere hours after we've just had sex, dry humping me, touching me inappropriately and coming on to me in a way that's less loving and more demeaning.


How does he touch you inappropriately while you are in your own home alone? Its concerning that a wife could feel like a touch from her husband is inappropriate and demeaning. I would suggest a heart to heart talk with him about this. Would you be more open to his touches if you knew he found you irresistible? I love ALL touches from my husband because it says how much he desires me. I know that all women are different but you should be able to tell him how this makes you feel and then you should seek to understand how he feels also. 

I cannot speak to your other issues though. I would have a real problem with a husband who could see me walk around in worn underwear and not want me to replace them, while he spent money on camera equipment.I mean sure you could go around with worn and ragged underwear to save money but he could do without camera equipment too.

Im only giving him the benefit of the doubt because of the sex; he may feel unloved and undesired and may be lashing out in other areas because of this. Or he may be just acting like a jerk because he can. Try to find out.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

thefam said:


> How does he touch you inappropriately while you are in your own home alone? Its concerning that a wife could feel like a touch from her husband is inappropriate and demeaning.


Husbands can definitely be inappropriate. They should be respectful of their wives, and only touch when touches are welcome. There is also a difference between a loving touch and a rude touch, and my husband has crossed the line to rude a few times. I call him out on it, and he usually just gets irritated.

For example, I'll be at the sink washing dishes, and he'll just walk up behind me, roughly grab my hips and pretend to hump me. I'll tell him that this is not a good way to turn me on and I don't appreciate the gesture. Then he'll storm out in a huff.

He also likes to try to undress me and come on to me when I'm on the phone, particularly with my parents. He'll say inappropriate things at a level where the person on the other end might hear. I don't appreciate that either, and he's been told.

If I'm wearing shorts, or a skirt, he will stick his hand up them at inappropriate times. The worst is when I'm driving and he's a passenger. I'm sorry, but not only is that rude and uninvited at that moment, it's dangerous.

He'll also occasionally just walk up to me and grab my boobs, hard, to the point where it hurts. I tell him it hurts and shrink away. He usually apologizes but will inevitably do it again.

And like I said, all of these behaviors are new to the past year. The first five years of our relationship, he never did any of this.

And he isn't like this all the time. This past weekend, he was a prefect gentleman. His touches were gentle and loving again. Apparently he felt like we had money again, because he took me out for Indian food. And he didn't mention moving to North Carolina at all. Last week, however, he was super rude, and grouchy overall, about everything, and was ready to just pick up and move far, far away.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

A couple of things stand out...

First of all, are YOU helping pay his student loan debt, or is he paying it out of his own money? In most states, since the loans were taken out before you married him, the debt is his and his alone. Marriage doesn't change that (unless you refinanced and signed new loan documents). $100,000 is A LOT of money to pay for someone else's debt.

Second, at 5'9" and 125 lbs, he sound almost anorexic. The recent change in his behavior, irritability, "inappropriate" touching, coupled with the rapid weight loss makes me think there is a medical issue that needs to be explored... brain tumor? Mental disorder? He really needs to get to a doctor and find out why he is losing weight uncontrollably and has undergone a personality change.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

thefam said:


> How does he touch you inappropriately while you are in your own home alone? Its concerning that a wife could feel like a touch from her husband is inappropriate and demeaning.


I can relate to that, as a man 'guilty' of the same thing. There does become a point when it stops being sensual, and just becomes sexual. She feels like she's just become a piece of meat. And you stop being a lover and just appear to be a horn dog. While having a sex drive is great (speaking of which, i really need to find mine again...), when one person's desires are greater than the others, boundaries need to be set, agreed on and respected.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Harlem9422
I'd think about the sexual issues first because that can cast a cloud over a relationship that makes everything else seem worse. 

You talk about his requests / demands in bed. Is he attentive to your needs in bed - will he do whatever you ask when you ask?

I'm trying to understand if he is just a very sexual person (which can be OK) or if he is a selfish lover (which is very much NOT OK).

If he is just highly sexual, then some of the issues may be simply due to sexual frustration on his part. There maybe be ways to get him more sex - and he will probably become much better to you in other ways.

But - if he is just selfish, that is an entirely different problem, and no amount of giving in to his wishes will fix that.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> A couple of things stand out...
> 
> First of all, are YOU helping pay his student loan debt, or is he paying it out of his own money? In most states, since the loans were taken out before you married him, the debt is his and his alone. Marriage doesn't change that (unless you refinanced and signed new loan documents). $100,000 is A LOT of money to pay for someone else's debt.
> 
> Second, at 5'9" and 125 lbs, he sound almost anorexic. The recent change in his behavior, irritability, "inappropriate" touching, coupled with the rapid weight loss makes me think there is a medical issue that needs to be explored... brain tumor? Mental disorder? He really needs to get to a doctor and find out why he is losing weight uncontrollably and has undergone a personality change.


Before we were married, we lived together, and had separate bank accounts. He moved into my apartment. I continued to pay all of the rent and utilities, while he just paid the minimum on his loan payments and picked up some of the grocery tab. That was all he could afford to do. He has so much debt that he couldn't make the payments and afford to live on his own. My name is not on any of the loans, and they were all taken out before we were married.

However, I am helping pay for them now. We merged our bank accounts and both of our pay checks go into one account. We pay all of our bills out of that one account. In order to get ahead on the debt, we moved into a cheaper apartment, cancelled the cable, and started shopping exclusively at thrifts stores and discount grocery outlets.

I really don't have a problem with this arrangement. I knew about his debt before we married, and as long as we share the same goals, I have no problem making some sacrifices to work towards those goals together. I am a lot more organized than he is, and I'm better at managing money, so I'm the one that balances the check book and keeps track of our finances. His freak outs about money really have nothing to do with how much money we actually have in our account because he really has no idea, though he has access to our account and could look whenever he wants.

And like I said before, we're doing fine. My first car recently bit the dust and we bought a newer used car, in cash, without taking out another loan. (He was eager to buy another car because he hated my old one.) And we are paying ahead on the loans at a rapid rate. I plan to be out of debt within the next 5 years. I can afford some new bras for heaven's sake! His mood swings about money are entirely irrational. I get the feeling that he's just grasping for control.

I agree that there's probably something going on with his health. He used to weigh 145. He's always been lean, but he looks absolutely emaciated right now. I can count every one of his ribs, and his spine and hips are grossly prominent. He continues to eat enough food for three people though. He has trouble sleeping too. Maybe this is why he bothers me during the night.

He was in the hospital in July for Lymphangitis. He nearly died of it, but made a full recovery. His weight loss and irritability began before that though. The doctors at the hospital seemed concerned about his weight, but nothing came of it. He doesn't have a family doctor. I keep urging him to find one and get a check up but he's been digging in his heels.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Harlem9422
> I'd think about the sexual issues first because that can cast a cloud over a relationship that makes everything else seem worse.
> 
> You talk about his requests / demands in bed. Is he attentive to your needs in bed - will he do whatever you ask when you ask?
> ...


Good thought. I'm really not sure anymore at this point. I used to feel no pressure from him at all on the sexual front. He was accommodating to my wants and needs, and actually had the lesser sex drive.

Lately though, he has the greater sex drive. I don't think he would be satisfied unless we had sex twice per day, every day, and he has become selfish in bed, which was one of my concerns. He used to care whether or not I enjoyed the sex, and would try to get me to orgasm every time (whether it always worked or not is another story but I gave him props for trying.) Now, he doesn't really try, even if I request something specific, though I think the selfishness may be a side effect of his voracious sexual appetite.

I also remember when we were dating, and before were at the point where we were having a lot of sex, he told me he would masturbate in the shower once per week, if we weren't having sex. Now he masturbates every day, even if we've been having sex. I remember he used to need time to "recharge". That doesn't really seem to be a thing anymore. He can just go, go, go, all day, multiple times per day. Is that normal?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Harlem9422 said:


> He can just go, go, go, all day, multiple times per day. Is that normal?


Maybe he's hyperthyroid? His metabolism and sex drive are cranked up, along with SERIOUS weight loss.

Personally, I would "draw a line in the sand" with getting him to go to the doctor. This would be non-negotiable for me.

Just my 2 cents...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=43020

Bipolar ...he sounds bipolar.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

CantePe said:


> Bipolar Disorder Treatment, Medications, Symptoms, Causes - MedicineNet
> 
> Bipolar ...he sounds bipolar.


Wow. The list of symptoms for "mania" describe exactly what he does when he's having a bad time of it. 

He doesn't sleep much, wants sex all the time, drinks alcohol (when he's never been much of a drinker), wants to move across the country or quit his job for no logical reason. He was doing well at work but over the past two weeks he's been making mistakes and getting in trouble with is boss. This has happened before as well. I noticed he seemed flustered, and clumsy at home. He talks very loud and fast, especially on the phone. And his moods become angry and irritable very quickly. And it seems to go in cycles. For two weeks, he'll be like this, and then he'll be fine for a while, and then it will get worse again etc. He's also the exact age that it normally appears.

Yup, I'm having a discussion with him tonight, and he's going to see a doctor. I don't care how much he balks. I'll schedule it myself and carry him in if he doesn't want to. He's light enough now that I can pick him up! (I shouldn't be amused by that thought but I am.)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Has your name been added to any of the debt that your husband brought into the marriage? Or have you refinanced any of his debt into your name?
I am sorry that you are facing these issues. It looks like they are all related to one root issue. You cannot force your husband into the doctor, but it would be wise for you to begin to protect yourself and assets, as it does not appear that he has your best interests at heart and is also not taking responsibility for his own interests either. Your first responsibility is to take care of what belongs to you.


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

Giving your husband sex once a week is an issue. Try to up it to 3 times a week and his attitude will change. Men don't behave well when they have blue balls.


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## Harlem9422 (Oct 12, 2014)

Boxing judge said:


> Giving your husband sex once a week is an issue. Try to up it to 3 times a week and his attitude will change. Men don't behave well when they have blue balls.


Er... did you read everything I posted? We have been having sex way more than once per week. We have been scheduling it and have sex at least two times per week (sometimes 3, 4 or even 5 times since he brought it up as an issue of his), plus a weekly BJ, plus he masturbates every day.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

thank you for the further information.

I am now one of those who thinks your husband needs to have his health checked urgently (both physical and mental). I hope it works out well for both of you.


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