# Am I over thinking this



## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

X**


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

How long was she at this party?


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## footnassman1 (Jun 28, 2021)

I dont think you are over thinking it, but I wouldnt jump to every possible scenario, either. I would open a conversation with her about it, and the appropriateness of it.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> How long was she at this party?


First off, sorry this is in the wrong thread. Don’t know how that happened. 
probably 5 hours.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I don't think you're overthinking it. I think this has gotten close to or has violated some kind of boundary you have in your mind as to what you think is appropriate and inappropriate for situations like these.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first off if lock down has just been lifted it is not very smart to be partying at this time , I know it is not easy for everyone but it is wise not to take risks and put us back into lock down again ,
second a party with only 4 people at ones house sounds strange to me ,
third if she has to hide her swims not a good thing to me sounds like some guilt or boundary has been passed 
5h sounds way too long for a work party


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would play it cool for now but keep your eyes open and start doing some investigating. If you confront her and she is behaving badly she will just go into stealth mode. Check credit card statements, cell records, pay attention to her daily habits and see if anything has changed.

She told you it ended up being just the four of them so that's good, hiding her swim suit is a bit concerning. You shouldn't assume the worst instantly, but you do need to start paying attention for other clues.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not a lot of works parties I know where people wear bikinis.

Was there a guy there? Is she heterosexual?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just to be sure go online and take a look at the cellphone bill.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re not overthinking. 

However, it would be a huge, tremendous mistake to let on that you’re rattled over this or confront. I suggest doing some digging, VAR her car (find out how and do it right), and maybe doing a little extra like dates, extra attention sexually, little things.

Has anything changed in your sex life?

Sorry, but her, another 2 guys, her friend.... Bikinis????? Nobody there and coincidentally everyone else backed out? That was a double date.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I think, you are over thinking this, it comes down to a simple thing for me, if it doesn't sit right with you, talk to your wife and say it has made you uncomfortable. There is too much trying to catch them in the act advice in this forum.

That will only come in handy, (possibly) if it came to divorce and your along way off that. Personally I think any right minded man would not be cool with his old lady partying in a bikini with other men. 

The acid test for me is this, would you be OK for your work mates to know what happened? If not, it's because you are embarrassed that they will all be thinking the worse, which, if you're honest with yourself, is what you are thinking. 

Anyway, my point is, if your wife robustly defends her right to party semi naked with single men, you're not on the same page and she probably doesn't respect you. Then you just have to figure out if you're prepared to put up with it, or draw your red line.

I hope you get the result you want, but be prepared to ask yourself what you are willing to accept in terms of the behaviour of your spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Not a lot of works parties I know where people wear bikinis.
> 
> Was there a guy there? Is she heterosexual?


He said there were 2 guys there and one other woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At the least its a huge boundary issue. Would you put yourself in that position?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's hot weather, a co-worker has an after work party at her house and she has a pool. So yeah, of course people would swim. Why wouldn't they? 

And taking swimming costumes would be sensible.

@dougkphoto does your wife have any one piece swimwear? Or is a bikini the only swimwear she has?

Maybe suggest that next time spouses or partners be invited?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds to me she had a meeting set up with a guy she was interested in and their first meeting was in a bikini.
I don’t think of any work parties in my 48 years where two guys and two ladies would up in the pool in bikinis at a coworkers house. She should have excused herself when she found out the attendance situation.
If my SO did this..... I’d be hugely pissed.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I don't think you're overthinking it. I think this has gotten close to or has violated some kind of boundary you have in your mind as to what you think is appropriate and inappropriate for situations like these.


Yes, I agree. This is a second marriage for the both of us. Her last husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. So I’m not sure if the lack of telling me things stems from that. I’m not sure she is past that abuse. I don’t know if someone can ever get past that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dougkphoto said:


> Yes, I agree. This is a second marriage for the both of us. Her last husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. So I’m not sure if the lack of telling me things stems from that. I’m not sure she is past that abuse. I don’t know if someone can ever get past that.


It's not easy for people to get over that kind of abuse. 

Has she had therapy? Have you had couple's therapy?


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

here’s some backstory. Second marriage for us. Her last husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. I’m wonder if some of this behavior stems from what he did. So it would make sense not to trust. But I don’t want to make excuses. 
thanks for your feedback : )


frenchpaddy said:


> first off if lock down has just been lifted it is not very smart to be partying at this time , I know it is not easy for everyone but it is wise not to take risks and put us back into lock down again ,
> second a party with only 4 people at ones house sounds strange to me ,
> third if she has to hide her swims not a good thing to me sounds like some guilt or boundary has been passed
> 5h sounds way too long for a work party


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Not a lot of works parties I know where people wear bikinis.
> 
> Was there a guy there? Is she heterosexual?


Yes, I never end up in a bikini either : ) yes to hetero. The two guys I have met. One is younger. I’m connected to him on fb. He’s in a relationship with someone who seems pretty religious. The other guy is older. Recently divorced. He looks older than me. I look good for 45. In shape. Run marathons and half marathons. Honestly if she’s into the older guy so be it. At least I don’t look my age.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> Just to be sure go online and take a look at the cellphone bill.


We have separate accounts. This is a second marriage.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds to me she had a meeting set up with a guy she was interested in and their first meeting was in a bikini.
> I don’t think of any work parties in my 48 years where two guys and two ladies would up in the pool in bikinis at a coworkers house. She should have excused herself when she found out the attendance situation.
> If my SO did this..... I’d be hugely pissed.


Some back story. Second marriage for us. We’ve gone through some issues and counseling that almost led to divorce. The one guy is younger and in a relationship with a fairly religious girl. The other guy is older than me. Looks way older than me. I’m older than my wife. If she’s into someone older and doesn’t take care of himself so be it. Can’t fight that. I wonder if she craves the attention. Her previous husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. I’m sure he’s done some mental damage.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> It's hot weather, a co-worker has an after work party at her house and she has a pool. So yeah, of course people would swim. Why wouldn't they?
> 
> And taking swimming costumes would be sensible.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately a bikini is it. She is heavily tatted. So I’m sure there was a nice feeling of the guys asking about tats and complementing her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So you are ok with your wife being with someone else?

If so, what’s the problem?

If not, I don’t believe the story that everyone else backed out. This was just the four of them. Maybe her ex had reasons to accuse her of cheating.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Jamieboy said:


> I think, you are over thinking this, it comes down to a simple thing for me, if it doesn't sit right with you, talk to your wife and say it has made you uncomfortable. There is too much trying to catch them in the act advice in this forum.
> 
> That will only come in handy, (possibly) if it came to divorce and your along way off that. Personally I think any right minded man would not be cool with his old lady partying in a bikini with other men.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I feel weird that she’s cool partying semi naked with other people. I’ve met both of the guys several times. I’m connected to one on fb. He’s in a serious relationship with a fairly religious girl. The other guy is older than us. He looks way older than me. I’m 4 years older than my wife. Ifs she’s into that so be it. Maybe he can promise her the world. Maybe she craves the attention of other guys. Backstory is this is a second marriage for us both. Her last husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. Maybe that’s why the lack of telling? I’m not sure. I don’t want to make excuses. We went through minor counseling and almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks. Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> It's not easy for people to get over that kind of abuse.
> 
> Has she had therapy? Have you had couple's therapy?


Right. Therapy has not been her friend. Lots of issues with parents. She really never got into therapy issues with ex. When we were going through couples therapy we made it for 4 sessions. The therapist got frustrated and called her out for all the issues on her. Going on for happy hours and not telling me about it. Staying out really late and not calling or texting me to say she was staying out late. Or the best one, we had tickets for the orchestra and got home well after when we should have left bc she was out at happy hour with co workers.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

ABHale said:


> So you are ok with your wife being with someone else?
> 
> If so, what’s the problem?
> 
> If not, I don’t believe the story that everyone else backed out. This was just the four of them. Maybe her ex had reasons to accuse her of cheating.


Of course I would not be okay if she was with someone else. I see your point about her ex. 
some back story. I’m in my mid 40s. My wife is younger. One of the guys is pretty young. In a serious relationship with a fairly religious girl. We’re connected on FB. The other guy is older. Recently divorced. He looks way older than me if I’m being vain. If that’s what she’s into than fine with me. I’m a good person. Volunteers and try’s to make the world better. I know some of what I said maybe sounds vain. I get it. I can be a jealous guy at times. Thanks for the response.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

I


Evinrude58 said:


> You’re not overthinking.
> 
> However, it would be a huge, tremendous mistake to let on that you’re rattled over this or confront. I suggest doing some digging, VAR her car (find out how and do it right), and maybe doing a little extra like dates, extra attention sexually, little things.
> 
> ...


 think I responded to another comment of yours. Thanks for responding. All helps. So some backstory if I didn’t give before. Second marriage for us. I’m trying hard not to be a jealous jerk. I want to give her space. Men and women should be able to have their own friends. She works in a male dominated field. All her friends/ co workers are mostly male. 
I agree? It’s all weird. I did the VAR car thing at one point. We were having major issues that almost lead to divorce. I fought hard to keep it. Notice I said I fought hard. At times I think we are doing great and in a good place.Then I have something shady like what I posted. Thanks for your reply. Anything helps.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Maybe nothing to worry about. She came home and told you about it, said she had fun.

If I was up to no good, I’d come home and avoid talking about it, hope that my husband was asleep. Maybe be a little defensive, not mentioned details, and complained that it was boring. Just to throw off the scent.

If I was guilty.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

now That you give someone history on your wife’s totally disrespectful behavior, I’d say she’s just a party girl who never grew out of it. Likes to sit around and drink And shoot the ****. I would also suspect she’s cheated on you multiple times, but maybe no emotional ties. It’s not just swimming in a bikini with men at parties, she likes the scene. Likes Attention. Learn to live with it or move on.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

dougkphoto said:


> I agree with you. I feel weird that she’s cool partying semi naked with other people. I’ve met both of the guys several times. I’m connected to one on fb. He’s in a serious relationship with a fairly religious girl. The other guy is older than us. He looks way older than me. I’m 4 years older than my wife. Ifs she’s into that so be it. Maybe he can promise her the world. Maybe she craves the attention of other guys. Backstory is this is a second marriage for us both. Her last husband was an abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. Maybe that’s why the lack of telling? I’m not sure. I don’t want to make excuses. We went through minor counseling and *almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks.* Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /


and the plot thickens!!!

Could make a guy wonder…. Was her ex accusing her of cheating “Abuse” or was it accurate?

I am always amazed how many times it’s starts out like this and spirals from there….

OP…. I sure hope you ARE over thinking this, but if history is any indicator…. It doesn’t look good.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

seadoug105 said:


> and the plot thickens!!!
> 
> Could make a guy wonder…. Was her ex accusing her of cheating “Abuse” or was it accurate?
> 
> ...


I have a feeling I’m over thinking things. I’m just hoping things do not go south


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Definitely a swimming pool orgy. I've been to a few.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

dougkphoto said:


> I have a feeling I’m over thinking things. I’m just hoping things do not go south


And while you're hoping, your wife will continue to act in a way you are not ok with, you have heard a lot of responses here vindicating your feelings on the subject. 

If you don't tackle it now for fear of the consequences, prepare to be treated with zero respect.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> Maybe nothing to worry about. She came home and told you about it, said she had fun.
> 
> If I was up to no good, I’d come home and avoid talking about it, hope that my husband was asleep. Maybe be a little defensive, not mentioned details, and complained that it was boring. Just to throw off the scent.
> 
> If I was guilty.


These actions would be a major red flag.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

dougkphoto said:


> We went through minor counseling and almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks. Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /


@dougkphoto, 
From what you posted, it is evident that your wife has little respect for you and the marriage!
Your wife has some red flags, read them here (it's short book but really worth it):
Amazon.com: The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life (Audible Audio Edition): Richard Cooper, Richard Cooper, Richard Cooper: Audible Audiobooks

Richard Cooper also has a Youtube channel, check it out, you will learn a lot!
On of the major red flags that Richard Cooper states in his book is this:


dougkphoto said:


> Lots of issues with parents.


And she also has other red flags (read the book and you will find out)!

She knows that you have issues when going out, staying late and mixing with other men and drinking, now she goes to a pool with bikini in a small settings (2 men, 2 women)!
You came here for a reason!
You have a gut feeling and you don't feel she is a safe partner!

You are fit and 45, the golden age for men, you should not be competing with other men, she is your wife!
Don't allow yourself to be a doormat and disrespected

Get the book ASAP, it will be an eye opener and you will have AHA moments!


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> Maybe nothing to worry about. She came home and told you about it, said she had fun.
> 
> If I was up to no good, I’d come home and avoid talking about it, hope that my husband was asleep. Maybe be a little defensive, not mentioned details, and complained that it was boring. Just to throw off the scent.
> 
> If I was guilty.


I can think of a couple of instances where this happened. So I know her signs when she is not wanting to discuss certain things


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Kaliber said:


> @dougkphoto,
> From what you posted, it is evident that your wife has little respect for you and the marriage!
> Your wife has some red flags, read them here (it's short book but really worth it):
> Amazon.com: The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life (Audible Audio Edition): Richard Cooper, Richard Cooper, Richard Cooper: Audible Audiobooks
> ...


Thanks for the info. I’ll have to check out the book.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you keep repeating yourself?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

dougkphoto said:


> I have a feeling I’m over thinking things. I’m just hoping things do not go south



Now that you have given additional info I'm going to change my advise. Your wife is a good time girl, she has no respect for you or your marriage. She is only interested in partying and getting attention. In this latest instance she claimed to be going to a "work" party, that was a lie. What she was doing was partying with people from work. See the difference?

She is treating you like a door mat, trust your instincts, look at the facts and her history. She is NOT being a good wife, you would be foolish to trust her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well this incident by itself shows really poor boundaries. I've never seen a work function outside of work where spouses weren't welcome beyond an occasional dinner in an actual restaurant. Certainly not at someone's house, and I wouldn't attend one without my partner and we're not even married. Not appropriate at all.

Beyond that it sounds like your wife is one of those women with a big ego amd requires lots of male attention. Such women aren't marriage or committed relationships material.

You said she's younger. How much younger?

As for her ex, he may well have been a drunk but maybe the cheating accusations stemmed from her need for male attention and inappropriately behavior. This kind of thimg doesn't just start one day...she's likely always been like this.

So are you willing to live with a wife who requires a lot of male attention and at best has poor boundaries?


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well this incident by itself shows really poor boundaries. I've never seen a work function outside of work where spouses weren't welcome beyond an occasional dinner in an actual restaurant. Certainly not at someone's house, and I wouldn't attend one without my partner and we're not even married. Not appropriate at all.
> 
> Beyond that it sounds like your wife is one of those women with a big ego amd requires lots of male attention. Such women aren't marriage or committed relationships material.
> 
> ...


She is 5 years younger. 
Yeah, she does like attention from guys.
Pretty much all her Happy hour drinking buddies are guys. I’m really not buying that this was supposed to be a big group event.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

dougkphoto said:


> I have a feeling I’m over thinking things. I’m just hoping things do not go south


Like I said I hope you are!

The only advise I will leave you with is..

_Trust, but _*VERIFY*_!_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have so many red flags in your marriage. 

I have no doubt that your wife is cheating on you. 

I have no doubt that your wife was cheating in her first marriage.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Cooper said:


> Now that you have given additional info I'm going to change my advise. Your wife is a good time girl, she has no respect for you or your marriage. She is only interested in partying and getting attention. In this latest instance she claimed to be going to a "work" party, that was a lie. What she was doing was partying with people from work. See the difference?
> 
> She is treating you like a door mat, trust your instincts, look at the facts and her history. She is NOT being a good wife, you would be foolish to trust her.


Yes, I do see the difference with work party and partying with co workers. I kind of had a feeling all along it was not going to be a “work party”. So it was not much of a surprise when all these people backed out.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

ABHale said:


> You have so many red flags in your marriage.
> 
> I have no doubt that your wife is cheating on you.
> 
> I have no doubt that your wife was cheating in her first marriage.


I guess I’m having trouble coming to terms with stuff. Things were going really well a few months before pandemic. During, no one was going anywhere. As things were opening back up the habits that were causing issues were slowly creeping back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Two men and two women? Sounds like a date to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What are your trying to come to terms with?

What almost caused a divorce?

Why would you want to save a relationship that has so many negative issues in it for you?

What does your wife do with you as a couple? It sounds like she is dating her coworkers more then she dates you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

_We went through minor counseling and almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks. Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /_

So what's changed? Answer: nothing. 

Your wife knows you're hooked and observed your reluctance to divorce. 

She's abusing/bullying you - and playing the typical cheater's game that if you don't actually see her commit adultery - then you won't divorce her. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to make their spouse feel safe (e.g., avoid suspicious situations). Your wife has (repeatedly) failed big time.

Based on her history of inappropriate behavior (and the recent party), it's not your job to prove she guilty of adultery. Rather it's her job to prove she isn't. And she doesn't get to say: trust me. She has to prove it.

Five hours??? Two couples??? That was a date. And you have every right to assume it involved sex.

I don't give your wife any points for confessing. First, you already knew she was going to a house party. Second, her confession just admits to what you'd likely find out anyway the next time you chat with her coworkers that didn't attend.

She's a cake eater. She enjoys the benefits of marriage (will lie and deceive to stay married) but wants to also live as a single woman. 

IMO the attention she received in a committed relationship is not enough. She needs more (like an addict). 

No husband or partner in the daily grind of life can compete with the emotional high from another man. Everything he says (compliments) and does is new and fresh - and is a 1,000 times more exciting that the spouse. 

It's an unfair contest - no spouse can win.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Question: how do you know who was at the “party” which was really a double date, with the old geezer employee? 

I’m thinking she’s saying it’s some old fart, but it could easily have been some dude she’s been wanting to slap nasties with. As said, why didn’t she invite YOU?

There’s little doubt your wife is a party girl and I’ve never heard of a party girl that drinks with men that didn’t also like some action.

I think you might as well give up on having a monogamous relationship with this one.
Is she an alcoholic?


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Question: how do you know who was at the “party” which was really a double date, with the old geezer employee?
> 
> I’m thinking she’s saying it’s some old fart, but it could easily have been some dude she’s been wanting to slap nasties with. As said, why didn’t she invite YOU?
> 
> ...


Actually I don’t truly know who was there. Honestly it could have been at someone else’s house.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just divorce her and move on. In truth, you already know who she is, and that’s not someone you can be happy with. It hurts, but it won’t last forever. You still have the chance to find a real friend to grow old with. 
nobody but a cheater stuffs a bikini in their bag and goes out drinking and hanging out with another couple and a single guy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your wife lied about it being a work function and then gave you the name of 2 guys that would get you to put your guard down. They were drinking too? This was a double date that you were not supposed to know about. You found out by looking in her bag. 

And now you say she’s out doing happy hour with mostly guys? With her ex accusing her of adultery, and her attention whoring , it is VERY probable that she has betrayed you before. This is not her first time that your gut was screaming “ Danger Will Robinson.” I think you have a serial cheating wife. You need to decide if she’s worth it. As a fit 45 year old, who I hope has his **** together, you can do much better than a woman who chases after other men’s attention.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Your wife lied about it being a work function and then gave you the name of 2 guys that would get you to put your guard down. They were drinking too? This was a double date that you were not supposed to know about. You found out by looking in her bag.
> 
> And now you say she’s out doing happy hour with mostly guys? With her ex accusing her of adultery, and her attention whoring , it is VERY probable that she has betrayed you before. This is not her first time that your gut was screaming “ Danger Will Robinson.” I think you have a serial cheating wife. You need to decide if she’s worth it. As a fit 45 year old, who I hope has his **** together, you can do much better than a woman who chases after other men’s attention.


There is also the part where she likes hanging out with her co workers and having drinks for an extended period of time. Sure their wives might complain but they are hanging out. She sees them being able to stay out later and do whatever they want and not check in to say they might be late. So feel there is that freedom aspect she likes where she can go do whatever and not have to check in. I’m sure in her mind it’s easier to hide stuff so I’m not asking a bunch of questions and saying this needs to stop.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dougkphoto said:


> Actually I don’t truly know who was there. Honestly it could have been at someone else’s house.


^^This^^ baffles me. You don't actually know where your wife goes and what she's doing. Since you don't seem to have boundaries as to what you think is unacceptable behavior, she's doing exactly what she wants to do. Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring all these red flags .... I don't see this ending well.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dougkphoto said:


> There is also the part where she likes hanging out with her co workers and having drinks for an extended period of time. Sure their wives might complain but they are hanging out. She sees them being able to stay out later and do whatever they want and not check in to say they might be late. So feel there is that freedom aspect she likes where she can go do whatever and not have to check in. I’m sure in her mind it’s easier to hide stuff so I’m not asking a bunch of questions and saying this needs to stop.


She is acting like a single woman. Why do you accept this?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

dougkphoto said:


> There is also the part where she likes hanging out with her co workers and having drinks for an extended period of time. Sure their wives might complain but they are hanging out. She sees them being able to stay out later and do whatever they want and not check in to say they might be late. So feel there is that freedom aspect she likes where she can go do whatever and not have to check in. I’m sure in her mind it’s easier to hide stuff so I’m not asking a bunch of questions and saying this needs to stop.


So much here not to tolerate for one more second.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

dougkphoto said:


> We went through minor counseling and almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks. Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /


So, the counseling didn't take. What consequences are you now going to give HER to acting like she is single?
Honestly, NO more "co-workers" nights out -- she isn't trustworthy. 

If you need to, hire a PI to follow her for a few weeks on these co-worker parties. I bet you will NOT like what you find out.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

dougkphoto said:


> There is also the part where she likes hanging out with her co workers and having drinks for an extended period of time. Sure their wives might complain but they are hanging out. She sees them being able to stay out later and do whatever they want and not check in to say they might be late. So feel there is that freedom aspect she likes where she can go do whatever and not have to check in. I’m sure in her mind it’s easier to hide stuff so I’m not asking a bunch of questions and saying this needs to stop.


Right… so you’re married to a tomboy 🙄 It’s not really the freedom she wants, she’s one of the boys. It’s that simple really. 

What you need is a lady. A dame, with a bit of class. They’re boring and stable 😁, but they’re reliable and they’re out there. And they hang out with other ladies and dames. 

I can see why the first marriage ended! 

Some men like a Tomboy (but it’s always the other fellas that get all of that fun isn’t it?) and some men like a lady.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Right… so you’re married to a tomboy 🙄 It’s not really the freedom she wants, she’s one of the boys. It’s that simple really.
> 
> What you need is a lady. A dame, with a bit of class. They’re boring and stable 😁, but they’re reliable and they’re out there. And they hang out with other ladies and dames.
> 
> ...


Tomboys don’t generally wear bikinis.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, what do you do while your wife parties with other single dudes? Do you sit home wondering where she is, who she’s with and when she will come home? Start going out yourself. Start meeting people. The first person you should try and meet is a divorce attorney.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess if she'd been trying to hide it from you, she wouldn't have had you put something by her bag where you'd see her bathing suit!

I would only worry about it if similar things follow.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> Right… so you’re married to a tomboy 🙄 It’s not really the freedom she wants, she’s one of the boys. It’s that simple really.
> 
> What you need is a lady. A dame, with a bit of class. They’re boring and stable 😁, but they’re reliable and they’re out there. And they hang out with other ladies and dames.
> 
> ...


What are you talking about???

His wife isn’t a tomboy, she is a cheater.


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