# Should I believe him? Friend had an escort in my house



## wife911 (Sep 7, 2009)

I was working nights 10pm to 7am on Friday night while my H and his friend were hanging out in my house having beer and wine and just hanging out. I called him around 11pm and he told me they were going to call it a night after having some food he was making. I called again at 3am and no one picked up the phone. 

I arrived at the house around 7am and I saw on my kitchen counter a condom (still in its package) his friend had already left the house. I checked the comp in the kitchen and there was an escort service website on the screen and then I saw my husbands shorts on the couch. I was shaking and went to the bedroom where he was sleeping. I asked him why there was a condom in the kitchen and he said his friends girlfriend was over last night. Then I said "he uses condoms with his girlfriend?" and he didnt say anything. I then said why is there an escort service website on the computer and then he admitted his friend called an escort last night. I pushed him and ran out of the house. I called his friend and I started to drive to his house. I asked him what happened last night and he said they were drinking. I had to pull the story out of his friend we'll call him Bob and he admitted that he called an escort because it had been a long time for him and that he really wanted to be with a woman. 

I was a real B*** and I said how dare he disrespect my home that way, that he has now implicated my H by bringing a prostitute to my house because I can't be sure that my H did something. I told him that I lost trust in my H because he lied to me and told me that it was Bob's girlfriend. He said my H didn't do anything. I said well I don't trust him now because he lied to me and they were both hammered plus how do I explain his shorts on the couch? 

I went back to my house and checked with the security of the building to check the video cameras. I wanted to make sure it was just one girl or more. I reviewed the tapes and it was definitely one. Which made me feel a little better but still my H could have still maybe gotten a BJ or watched or I don't know. 

and I learned that she came to the house at 1150pm I didnt see when she left because she might have used a different door. Anyway, Bob didn't leave my house until 3am. I came back to the house and my husband had cleared the history on the laptop with the escort company's info. He also cleared the wine glasses and went back to bed. I grabed his phone and his computer and ran out of the house. 

I left with my son (he was at my sisterinlaws that night) and I told her what happened she was shocked. I left to the park with my son and then my husband called me nonstop to meet me. He said that he knew how bad the situation looked but that he would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship or losing our family. He said he told me that it was Bob's girlfriend in order to protect his dignity. The problem I have is that if I didn't discover the condom and confronted him my H would have never told me there was a prostitute in my house. Is it OK for him to have kept this from me to protect his friend's dignity. 

I am outraged that he allowed his friend to have a prostitute in my house and disrespect me in that way. I told my H that he is guilty of association because it's not like his friend had a girl he knew or was dating that he had sex with at our house. It was a prostitute who you pay for sex or anything else you want. It is not unreasonable to believe that this prostitute would perform for two strangers. As long as she is getting paid. Which is unlike a regular girl. 

I have a huge problem understanding how his shorts were left on the sofa. He claims he took them off before he went to bed and when the prostitute came over he went to bed. 

My husband admitted that he should not have allowed Bob to call an escort and he admitted that he was hammered and maybe if he wasnt so drunk he would not have permitted it. He swears on me and my son that he did nothing wrong and that I should trust him. I told him that I can't because he lied to me when I asked who was at the house. Also, I knew that he had to have given Bob the condoms because Bob does not know where we store them. 

Last nigth he was being nice to me and he kept saying that he knew what he did was wrong. I told him I did not trust him. He asked me if I thought he did something with the prostitute and I said no I dont want to believe that he did, but I have doubts because his shorts were in the sofa in our livingroom. I am full of doubt and I really don't know what to do.

He is angry at his friend and he has said he won't drink alcohol anymore. He said that he is upset that his friend put him in this situation and that now he has to suffer for something Bob did. I told him no, you are suffering because you used bad judgement in allowing a hooker in our home and for lying to me and saying it was Bob girlfriend and then deleting the history on the computer. 

He said that I can believe whatever I want, but that he did not do anything. I want him to pay for his actions. I feel like if I didn't find the condom in the kitchen and confronted him he would have never said anything to me about the prostitute. Should that have been acceptable? Should he have been right to keep that from me? Granted it should have never happened but where does an H cross the line when it comes to keeping friends business to themselves and not sharing with his Wife? I don't keep anything that my girlfriends to away from him. I consider him my bestfriend and I tell him everything. I think he was more concerned with protecting his friend than telling me the truth. I don't trust him now, but were do I go from here?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I GIANT EEEEEWWWWW.
Not acceptable in ANY way. NOT NO HOW.

argh. I dont think any amount of alcohol could make me that stupid. Dont have any great advise. To me this is baaaad and i am a guy. 
How old is H?

sorry.. I can only sympathize. Hope you sort it out. I would not believe anything either,, allowing a prostitute into a house where your wife and child live? Um that;s as bad as engaging in "whatever" with said prostitute.


wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong.

You cant make him "pay" btw. it is what it is.

Sorry to say this is way to similar to a kid gettign caught with pot and saying they are holding it for a friend.... i really dunno.... you know him better than anyone...or you thought so anyway.


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## wife911 (Sep 7, 2009)

I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I are 35. He hasn't done anything in the past to make me believe he was every unfaithful. I just don't know where to go from here...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You now know two things about your husband that perhaps you didn’t know before.

First off you know now your husband is very capable of deceiving you. He invited a prostitute into your home. If you hadn’t found the evidence you would never have known. That is a massive deception let alone the immorality of the event. Perhaps that’s a third thing about your husband that you know now, his immoral ways.

You also know that your husband is capable of lying to you. When you confronted him with the evidence, he didn’t tell you the “truth”, he lied to you about girlfriend vs. prostitute.

What do you do with this new knowledge about your husband? The event where it became “knowledge” to me that my wife deceived me and lied to me was nothing as significant as your event. But I just wanted “the truth”. I never got that truth.

I wonder if you now have the truth and if you haven’t I wonder if you ever will. I just lost all “faith” in my wife and knew from that point on my marriage would never be authentic and I’m left wondering if it is was in the past.

Bob


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Do you believe your husband? 

If so agree the boundaries with him; the escort and Bob visiting again are a no no.

If you do not believe him then send him for an STD check plus if you think your marriage can stand the next suggestion have him do a polygraph test. Use your words carefully to ask your husband do this. If innocent he will remember this for a very long time and perhaps hold it against you.

There is another route of asking your husband to propose how he can evidence that he was not sexually involved , see what he comes up with.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

wife911 said:


> I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I are 35. He hasn't done anything in the past to make me believe he was every unfaithful. I just don't know where to go from here...


I agree with AFEH's post!

Hmmmmm.......you are in the US? You can look for a cashwithdrawel or misc. charge on a CC/Debit card. 

I don't have any good advice either!! Good luck :-(


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

wife911 said:


> I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I are 35. He hasn't done anything in the past to make me believe he was every unfaithful. I just don't know where to go from here...


You’ve been deluded by your husband in that what you thought was the truth of that night, having a friendly drink and a meal, hanging out together etc. was not actually the truth. So your husband deluded you. To be a deluded person is a form of mental illness. But you are not mentally ill. Your delusion was created by your husband, not by yourself.

You will continue to be deluded until you find out the truth of what happened that night, especially with your husband’s role in what occurred. So in that way your delusion is “temporary”. It lasts as long as the time you found the evidence to the time you find out the truth. I know it’s not a very comfortable feeling to say the least. It's called "Crazy Making".

What to do? Why not ask your husband to write down the truth of what happened that night. “Dear H, I want you to write down what happened from the time your friend walked in my home until the time they had both left and you were by yourself. If you were unfaithful to me I may be able to handle that. If I later discover that you have further deceived me and lied to me I feel pretty certain I wont be able to handle that and our marriage will be over”. And just leave it at that. If he does write it down you will have a reference point from which to go forward.

What to do? I would never have that “friend” back in my home again. If you feel the same way then tell your husband of your new boundary. “I will never tolerate Bob in my home again”.

Bob


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As horrible as it is that he at the very least allowed a prostitute in your house for his friend, and at worse also did things with her; there are a couple of things that point towards the "lesser" of the two scenarios:

1. The escort service website was still on the computer. If he were the one who set up the escort, he'd have not left it on the screen for you to see it. 

2. Condom in the kitchen. A husband using a ***** in his own home with his wife to be there soon is not going to leave a condom in the kitchen.

There are two things that point in the other direction:

3. Shorts, do you mean underwear?, left in the livingroom. 

4. Binge drinking.


Boozing it up could explain how your husband could have partaken if the escort services and been so idiotic about not covering up his tracks. 

Your husband's friend could certainly have been an idiot all by himself. However, why couldn't he just go get the escort at his own place?

Doesn't really make sense unless for some reason your husband and his friend wanted to tap the same girl at the same time. 

And if that is so, makes me wonder about the nature of their friendship.

And it definitely is shot across the bow of your marriage.


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## wife911 (Sep 7, 2009)

Thanks Michzz for your reply. My H tells me the same thing that if he wanted to cheat he would not do it at our house and in that manner. His friend is currently living with his mom and is under some financial constraints, and that is why he did it here as opposed to his own home. My H has sworn to me that he will never drink again and that he will cut ties with Bob. He keeps telling me that he knows how it looks but that he did not do anything with the prostitute. He admits that his judgement was affected by the alcohol and he wishes he had never drank so much. I just keep telling him that Bob has implicated him by bringing a prostitute in our home and that I have doubts because of the shorts (my H had his underwear on when he was in bed) He claims and swears that he would never do anything to risk our marriage and our family and that he is embarrased to even tell his mother. As far as I know he has cut ties with his friend. I just dont know where to go from here. I am not going to pretend everything is fine and continue. I told him that this is a major setback in our relationship and he saids that he believes god is teaching him a lesson the hard way.


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## sensualspirit (Aug 2, 2010)

So first off - a warning that you will probably have strong feelings about some of what I have to say, but that's your decision to feel that way. I can't control how you feel, only you can. 

1. Since I'm an expert in the escort industry, I have to say that escorts or the escort industry is NOT immoral, but I'm not here to debate that, as everyone has their own perception of what is & isn't moral. No one person is right or wrong. It's whatever your emotional boundaries can handle something that determines what you feel is right or wrong for YOU.

What may be wrong for you today won't be wrong for you 5 years from now as you hopefully grow emotionally & spiritually (not talking religion here).

What I don't agree with is the fact that if the escort was ONLY for his friend, why he let the friend use your place. I now understand the friend is broke, has no place of his own & he wanted companionship which makes sense to me, but your hubby must have known that he should clean up after his friend otherwise you'd find out. He says he would have been much smarter had he been seeing the escort himself, but what did he think was going to happen if all this evidence was left behind if his friend saw the escort?

It also sounds like he's blaming his friend (you caught this) when in the end he's the one that gave his friend the ah okay to bring the girl over to your place.

I don't know how smart your husband is, only you could tell us if he's just not very bright & therefore didn't think to clean up the mess, or he's just lying more & more. Also the fact that he cleaned out his history seems suspicious to me. I understand he just wanted to get rid of the evidence, but you already saw it, so IMO it would have been better to just talk about it instead of hiding it even more. Not that the agency owner would tell you how many guys the escort saw as that is confidential information, but was that what he's trying to hide, or he was just feeling shame & wanted to get rid of the shame?

Overall it could be he wanted you to find out. People will say they want to avoid conflict, but then do things to bring the conflict out so they can finally be honest.

2. At this point what happened isn't about the escort, but about something else entirely & while it may not seem like it's a positive event, if you stand back & look at it (I know this can be difficult), this is a positive turning point in your life.

Why you ask - when you feel like garbage?

Because you thought everything was going well in your relationship & now you are finding out it's not, so you have a choice to make. You have been awoken.

a) Do you want to sever a positive relationship you have had for 8 years, or 

b) Do you want to work at your relationship like all couples should? Meaning, all relationships need to be worked on right from the beginning, not only when some crisis occurs. That to me is THE biggest mistake almost ALL couples make.

But alas you are not the only person in this situation & you won't be the last.

While I always feel working on the relationship is most important, I only agree with that if both people really want the relationship to work AND, both people are compatible.

I've thought it over, & I'm concerned he may be a chronic liar. Not saying he is, not saying he isn't, but sometimes we only find out after time has passed & the first lie is found out , that our partner was lying constantly all this time & we ignored the signs.

Only you can answer that & if that's the case, then my opinion is to get out. Assuming you are an honest person yourself most of the time.

For me that's what is immoral - lying - unless I was acting so unreasonably that the other person had no choice but to lie.

3. Now, the lying & him protecting his friend over you is probably the more important affect of his actions that's hurting you. You feel like you've become 2nd rung to his friend.

It also sounds like this was a pre-planned event. Did they discuss it days before or earlier that evening (clearly at the very least they discussed it earlier that evening since he told you at 11 pm he was going to bed which I find very early unless you live in a small town where everyone goes to bed around 10-11). Those are just moot points really, but it can give you some inclination of how deep the lying & deception goes.

4. I also have a question about his drinking. I doubt this is the first time he's ever gotten drunk, how does he normally behave when he drinks alot?

To tell you he will never drink again is too big a promise IMO. Very few people can just quit drinking or smoking etc. if they have been doing it for years. Not saying he can't if he's a very strong person emotionally, but I'm just wondering why he has to quit altogether. Is he an alcoholic & this is a pattern?

If not, it almost sounds like he's blaming the alcohol for his actions which humans have a tendency to do when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. You can't just stop using the catalyst that brings out the feelings & expect the feelings to disappear. That's not how humans work.

Granted he's admitting he did something wrong, but it's not the alcohol that's making him do it, that just brings out his inner inhibitions. Did you look to see how much they actually drank by counting the bottles?

5. I presume that if he always wore his boxers (I assume you meant boxers) to bed & this time he didn't (it wasn't clear b/c you said he had boxers on when you found him), then I have to assume he either did something or at the very least masturbated which IMO would be normal given the situation. It's exciting for most people to watch others having sex whether they want to admit it or not & if he's bored with vanilla, this could be what he needs. I don't presume to know your sex life.

6. It's clear to me there's a breakdown in communication in your relationship & not because of this incident, but because you don't know your husband as well as you think you do & he's hiding a part of who he is from you.

If you want to heal yourself & heal this relationship, you are going to have to decide if you really want to hear the truth about who he is, or be in denial & make him feel guilty. Guilt NEVER solves anything although it feels good temporary to blame the other person.

If it's the latter & you can't handle him truly opening up to you about his feelings, fantasies, etc. then I suggest you just sever the relationship b/c there needs to be TOTAL honesty & disclosure in a healthy relationship.

When one party judges the other, they are:

a) putting themselves higher up on a pedestal than their partner which is never healthy

b) aren't really prepared to love ALL of their partner. They only want to love the superficial part that the person. The part that the person allows them to see as unfortunately way too many humans wear masks.

If you are only looking for parts of him that make you feel comfortable, IMO you are looking for a "perfect" person & maybe you can't handle his dark side (we all have one), that's a choice you have to make. That's why determining compatibility long before the relationship becomes serious is a MUST.

If you really love him PLUS want to work on your own issues too, then I recommend you start therapy of some sort.

I don't believe in conventional counseling, only alternative. I'm spiritually conscious, so I couldn't recommend a regular counselor, but this is a course I took about 12 years ago that saved my life. It's more for you then the both of you, but they have a couple's course do if memory serves me.

The bottom line is, this is your life that you have to deal with first & foremost & in order to really understand how you feel about yourself & your relationship with him. It's never too late to start working on your issues & it's something I encourage everyone to do on a regular basis even when there's no crisis involved.

Hoffman International

I also am in the process of starting my 2nd level of this meditation course that really works & will help you deal with your anger over this.

You have every right to be angry, but I hope you understand that nothing can be healed when we are in a state of anger.

When we are angry & in pain, we are in a flight or fight response & the brain just can't think clearly during that state.

To make an impulsive decision without calming yourself down first will probably hurt you & your family & yet you will continue to be in pain, so that's why I'm recommending these meditation CDs, b/c they really help calm me down. If you call them to get their free demo, give them this code - 371631 or you can just get the free demo online.

I also recommend this book. How is the communication in your relationship? | My Book Reviews

The CD isn't that great because they rush through the audio, but the book is absolutely wonderful if you really want to start working on your relationship's communication which is the most important key to all healthy relationships.

So I hope I've helped you in some way. I recommend you read what I have to say a few times b/c I will probably trigger you to be more angry the first couple of times around.

All the best


Michelle


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I want him to pay for his actions."

Interesting. Do you want the truth? Do you want him to be honest and open? Or do you want revenge?

Take a step back and figure out what will make this right in your mind and let us know.


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## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

Why not simply call the escort service and ask??? It's not like you are calling a doctor or lawyer bound by some moral non-disclosure clause. Fifty bucks will set your mind straight once and for all for a life time. No?


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## sensualspirit (Aug 2, 2010)

No professional ethical escort agency is going to EVER divulge information like that.

It's their duty to remain totally discrete.


Michelle


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In your house? Tell your husband he has to pay to have everything steam cleaned. Just for the ewwww factor.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

If he went to bed when the escort got there as he said, then how could he have known what evidence his friend left around the house?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Started really getting into the OP's story. Then I realized this thread is almost a year old. Geeze ..... that's no fun now.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> If he went to bed when the escort got there as he said, then how could he have known what evidence his friend left around the house?


:iagree::iagree: Your husband was intimate with that escort. That is why the shorts were on the couch and he lied about who was there. 

Go and get tested, my friend. It is good that you exposed the behaviour to others.


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