# Really can't take it....



## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

About 2 months ago my husband left me for another women. Are marriage was a very bad marriage, We have been together since I was 16 years old he was my high school sweat heart, and my first and only. We have been married for 6 years and together 12 years. In the past several years he was diagnosed with bipolar and been on and off again with his meds. 
We had a lot of very good times but some severely bad times. He was severely mentally and emotional abusive. He had hit me several times and raped me back in January.
Even after he left we have fought a lot about the custody of are 5 year old child. Now things are starting to calm down with that. 
I am having days where i want him back. I know the true him when he is on his meds and his true self. I want and miss my old life before all the bad. 
I cant talk to anyone else about this because they all think i am crazy to want him back. Everyone thinks I should be jumping for joy that we are over and I am free. and in ways I am. But I fill like me wanting him back is not normal. I am just so confused. 
Since he left I have been staying with parents. I have a house but it hurts to go back there and function and live.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sometimes you need to put some distance between you and your problem to see things clearly milady. This is one of those times and the worst is likely behind you. 
Its a bad move to lose yourself in believing you need someone so much you're willing to take abuse/cheating or what ever else they dish out. You need to remember you're special too.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

littleone2011 said:


> I cant talk to anyone else about this because *they all think i am crazy to want him back*. Everyone thinks I should be jumping for joy that we are over and I am free. and in ways I am. But I fill like me wanting him back is not normal. I am just so confused.


You're not crazy dear. What you're experiencing is not unusual. You need to detach from him as much as you can, given you have a child with him. Google "the 180" and use that as a tool. Perhaps someone will post it for you.

At some point, you will realize that what you're actually missing is the companionship - not so much the love. No one should have to endure an abusive spouse. Just know he's done you a favor by leaving.

Stay active, explore outside interests, exercise, and get counseling if you need it. Good luck to you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you're experiencing withdrawal, because while was a pos in many ways he was all you knew. It will take getting used to, and you will need to reprogram as you are an abuse victim. 

Feel pity for his gf, nobody knows better than you what she's getting. He's not going to stay on meds all the time with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

littleone2011 said:


> I know the true him when he is on his meds


Please read this and re-read this...DUDE


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

littleone2011 said:


> About 2 months ago my husband left me for another women. Are marriage was a very bad marriage, We have been together since I was 16 years old he was my high school sweat heart, and my first and only. We have been married for 6 years and together 12 years. In the past several years he was diagnosed with bipolar and been on and off again with his meds.
> We had a lot of very good times but some severely bad times. He was severely mentally and emotional abusive. He had hit me several times and raped me back in January.
> Even after he left we have fought a lot about the custody of are 5 year old child. Now things are starting to calm down with that.
> I am having days where i want him back. I know the true him when he is on his meds and his true self. I want and miss my old life before all the bad.
> ...


I am truly sorry you are here, but I am very glad you found us. 

Are you and your child getting counselling?

Being married to a person with your husband's mental condition is not easy, especially when cheating is added to the mix.


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## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Are you and your child getting counselling?
> 
> .


No we are in the middle of a custody battle I am afraid he will use me or her going to counselling against me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

littleone2011 said:


> No we are in the middle of a custody battle I am afraid he will use me or her going to counselling against me.


Actually the fact that you are going through a divorce and that you and your daughter need counselling might count against him.

Ask your lawyer for their opinion on this matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

littleone2011 said:


> He was severely mentally and emotional abusive. He had hit me several times and raped me back in January.


Google, "Stockholm syndrome"....

While he didn't kidnap you, the only reason you're not together is because he dumped you. It was a self imposed prison and we all know you would of put up with his garbage indefinitely. You are extremely codependent, sympathetic and hung up on this a$$hole because you don't know any other way to live.

Best thing you can do is be alone for a few years, learn how to function as an independent woman, then find someone else. Also get yourself fixed up in the mean time, you sound like you have self esteem issues. The gym is a good way to distract yourself, get in shape and blow off steam as well. 

Trust me, he's done you the BIGGEST favor of your life by dumping you. Also, google "the 180", make it your mantra.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have clients that are bi-polar and have worked with patients that were bi-polar in the past. I am no expert as I have worked with only about a dozens of bi-polar folks. This is my take.

None of the folks that were or are married and have a bi-polar disorder, with whom I worked or work currently cheated. Yes they have some bizarre stories, excessive gambling, drinking, etc. but never once did they say they cheated on their spouse. Some would tell me during their manic phase that they would have pretty wild and excessive sex with their spouse. So the physical abuse and rape story sounds very true to me. I am not saying bi-polar people don't cheat, but the married ones I have worked with seemed to remain faithful. 

But the single folks were another story. They would tell me about their manic phase where they would just go hog wild with just about anyone.

First you are not crazy for wanting him back. It sounds like you love him. Being married to a person with bi-polar disease is challenging. They can be very smart, artistic, etc. And when they remain faithful to their drug regiment they can be fairly "normal".

But meds can be a challenge due to the side effects and frankly from some of the stories I do understand why some go off them. Unfortunately, when they go off the meds, then the odd behaviors start up again.

I worked with a man back in the 80's who had bi-polar disorder and was a body builder. We would meet in the county home's cafeteria before work to get coffee each morning. One morning I did not say "good morning" to him. A few hours later he had his hand (one hand) around my neck, lifted me up with one arm. His intent was to choke me to death. He released me and walked away. I reported it to our boss and we kind of worked through it. I was between the military and college and worked there for a few months after getting out of the military (I was in great shape) for something to do before the semester started. A few weeks later the boss and him were at it and I helped break it up. He refused meds.

One of my older brothers is bi-polar and worked an entire career and is now retired. He is also a musician. There were a few times he went off his meds during his working years and ended up in the psych ward. He never cheated on his wife. He is a sweetheart but can really be weird at times. He divorced his wife a few years ago over something stupid after more then 30 years of marriage. Two years ago (after he was divorced for a while) he spent over $30,000.00 on Russian mail order brides. He kept getting ripped off but did not stop. He lost his house. I think he is still ordering brides.

I will say that without the meds he will be a difficult person.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This thread makes me sad.


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## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> This thread makes me sad.


I am sorry I am not trying to make anyone sad.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm glad you're here. My ex also has mental illness, although not bi-polar, and like your's he was verbally/emotionally abusive. There was one incident of physical. He was also a serial cheater. In the early years of our relationship he could identify when his symptoms were getting bad and would go get help. The last round he didn't. When I suggested he get help, well it all became my fault. I finally got him to go to counseling under threat of immediate divorce and he was quickly diagnosed. It was fairly apparent at the first meeting that he had become psychotic. But he fought all treatment, and lied and lied and lied.

You can't control his illness, and you can't force him to take his meds. I understand that "when he's on his meds" he might be a different man. His behavior indicates that is something you can't count on. You have to consider what will happen to your son if/when your H's wrath turns to him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Living with someone who is mentally ill or different is a problem. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

littleone2011 said:


> In the past several years he was diagnosed with bipolar.... He was severely mentally and emotional abusive. He had hit me several times and raped me back in January.


LittleOne, if he has bipolar-1 disorder, there is a 36% chance he also suffers from co-occurring BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, therapists have difficulty distinguishing between these two disorders in a 50-minute meeting held every week or two because it may take them two years to witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. It therefore is common for BPD to be misdiagnosed as "bipolar."

I mention this distinction for two reasons. First, the severe emotional and physical abuse you describe are not characteristic of bipolar disorder but, rather, of BPD. Second, there is a huge difference in the treat-ability of these two disorders. Whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. 

I therefore suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. 

Finally, if you ever feel strongly tempted to take him back, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Importantly, if BPD is involved, you cannot rely on HIS therapist to be candid with you. Therapists routinely withhold the name of the disorder from BPDer clients -- and from their partners and insurance companies -- for the protection of those clients. 

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion about his issues is to see a psychologist who has never seen or treated him. This ensures that the psych is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not his. Take care, LittleOne.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

no words other than get some ic and I will pray for you


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## Bad Medicine (Aug 21, 2015)

The best revenge is always to be independent and start having a great life. 

I'm sure others say the same, I've seen it happen a few times. One situation that comes to mind is a guy who went through a bad divorce with his wife and then he remarried, now he and his new wife are extremely happy, active, out having fun all of the time, and his old wife basically sits around her house. She's the one who initiated the divorce and now she's alone and miserable.


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

He cheated on you, he abused you and raped you. Nobody deserves that. Please remember that a marriage is important but not so that you lose yourself and let your other half violate you. What you are going through is just a phase; you're in a low-life condition right now but it won't last forever. Remember that the worst is over. Take your time to heal and grive the end of that relationship. But please get over it. The worst is over for you. Learn to love yourself and create a new life now...


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