# Is anything 'fixable'?



## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

Me and my fiance have been with each other for almost 4 yrs now. We consider ourselves as being married. At this time we are apart. He says that he needs to to think and see if he wants to work it out with me. It has been almost 2 weeks now. I had to move back in with my mom and he is still living at our house. I hate this situation and I don't know what to think. I miss him so much, and I want to talk to him, but he wants no contact at this moment. It is a hard situation to deal with and my 2 yr old daughter is in the middle of all this. I just need some serious advice on what to do with this and where to go from here. So if anyone can help, please. I am willing to hear anything right now. I am so stuck, and I can't believe this. It's probably the most difficult thing that I will ever have to deal with. At least it seems that way. I was also diagnosed with 3 different things, and it is hard for him to deal with. But he doesn't feel what I feel everyday. It's not like I asked God to give me these problems, and make me 'crazy' as he puts it. But I am not crazy, I am just dealing with a lot right now. How do I fix this? Should I give him more time? Or should I just break it off and try to move on? I just want to keep fighting this because I love him so much, and I want us to work this out. I am so confused right now, I don't even know where I am at. Please....help.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He left because of your diagnosis?


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

He left because we got into a huge fight, and he thinks that I will not get better, and so it went from there....I think that has to do partly with this situation, but I don't know...


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## JoLoPe (Oct 16, 2009)

Krissy said:


> Me and my fiance have been with each other for almost 4 yrs now. We consider ourselves as being married. At this time we are apart. He says that he needs to to think and see if he wants to work it out with me. It has been almost 2 weeks now. I had to move back in with my mom and he is still living at our house. I hate this situation and I don't know what to think. I miss him so much, and I want to talk to him, but he wants no contact at this moment. It is a hard situation to deal with and my 2 yr old daughter is in the middle of all this. I just need some serious advice on what to do with this and where to go from here. So if anyone can help, please. I am willing to hear anything right now. I am so stuck, and I can't believe this. It's probably the most difficult thing that I will ever have to deal with. At least it seems that way. I was also diagnosed with 3 different things, and it is hard for him to deal with. But he doesn't feel what I feel everyday. It's not like I asked God to give me these problems, and make me 'crazy' as he puts it. But I am not crazy, I am just dealing with a lot right now. How do I fix this? Should I give him more time? Or should I just break it off and try to move on? I just want to keep fighting this because I love him so much, and I want us to work this out. I am so confused right now, I don't even know where I am at. Please....help.


One of the things that sticks out for me is the "diagnosed with 3 different things." You don't say what they are, but it makes me wonder, given your "crazy" comment, if they are anything like ADHD/BiPolar, etc. If so, I have a unique perspective on these things
(which you can ck out at youjustdontunderstand.com).

However, having said that, oftentimes the situations we find ourselves in are ones where we are addressing the surface issues, and not what is really going on. Often times what is really going on can be a reaction from years ago. We get triggered by a feeling and not the event.

If you are willing to step back, and take a breather, it will help. Right now it seems to be a situation that is potentially more reactionary than anything else. And when we react to things we are much less able to get what we want and need than when we act.

Questions to ask yourself are:
1. What do I want?
2. As things are, am I able to live with them?
3. Am I able to change my perspective on things if I am unable to change my situation?
4. What is the ESSENCE of what I want? (ie you may say you want someone to do the dishes, but in fact that act makes you feel loved. The essence of what you want then is LOVE)
5. In what ways are you able to feel this essence?
6. Is your partner able to give you the essence of what you need?
7. Are you able to live without the things you want if you get the essence?
8. Are you compromising yourself by staying in the relationship?

Some people try to make things work "for the kids." The problem is kids are very perceptive. If you're unhappy, they'll pick up on it. You really aren't do your daughter much good if you try to stay for her.

After you have the answers to the above questions, and stop reacting, it might make it easier for you to decide what to do.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

If it helps, I have been diagnosed being Bipolar, having Borderline Personality and PTSD, So in reality with haveing those diagnoses I do feel "crazy". But looking at other things, in reality, I am not...if that makes any sense...


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

WOW, that is some diagnosis


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

Yea, and it is so hard to deal with, but now I am in medication, and feeling better. I have had it for 2 yrs, and I just got on medication that works almost 2 months ago. I feel the difference now and I see the difference, I just wish that he could see it....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Borderline is very tough to live with. Are you also in therapy for it?


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

Yes, I am in thereapy for all my problems...It's just so hard to keep up..Seeing 2 different therapists and going to 2 different group therapies....But that's life. I jsut need to know how to juggle them all..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So do you have the typical fear of abandonment issues?


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

Very much, and maybe that is why I try so hard to try to fix this relationship. But I have come to the realization that it's not just me that has to fix it but him as well. I jsut think that he is taking the easy way out and just trying to end it so he doesn't have to deal with it. But if it's not with me, it will be someone else. He has his problems as well...But, no matter what, I love him and want to make it work. I just hope that I am not doing this for the wrong reasons...If that makes any sense at all...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If his problems exacerbate your underlying makeup, it would be better to let him go than to fight through this. You need someone with particular characteristics in order to deal with your fear of abandonment in particular. You need someone with the ability to reassure you on an almost heroic basis until you get some control over your situation.

Sometimes alone is even better than with someone and maybe if you just let him go you'll begin to feel relief that will allow you to deal with the other things on your plate.


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## JoLoPe (Oct 16, 2009)

Krissy said:


> If it helps, I have been diagnosed being Bipolar, having Borderline Personality and PTSD, So in reality with haveing those diagnoses I do feel "crazy". But looking at other things, in reality, I am not...if that makes any sense...


It makes sense...and I think I may understand...if you read my page, see if it sounds familiar at all...you may be empathic.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And she may be bipolar and BPD and have PTSD, too.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

But the thing is, i don't want to let him go. I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with that. I might have to let him go yes. Maybe down the road he will realize it and then become a better person, and actually try to work with me, then against me. *sighs*...I just wish that life was easy..


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

It does sound familiar, and I'm jsut glad people here understand and actually listen, and on top of that they give great advice..I actually like this place...Thank you..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Have you made up a list of things that he does that go directly at the heart of your issues and exacerbate them rather than help minimize them? And, you can make up a list of things he does that help you be a better person. Which list "wins"?

You've been together a while and you have a child and you also probably have wanted to get married for both the right reasons and some not so good reasons (one being, to tick it off of the "to-do" list). It is difficult to change what seems like the entire direction of your life. But that may be what is best for you and your child.

Further, you might not be in any shape to be in a relationship right now. It might also be unfair to ask him to deal with you as you are presently. Maybe 4 years was the investment he could make and he can't see making a lifelong commitment. It isn't as though he hasn't tried, right? He put in 4 years.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

I ahven't done that list thing, but maybe I should...The reason I said he should try is because it feels like he has been giving up the last 2 yrs, and he even admitted to me that he hasn't tried. I don't really know...I am getting very confused at this moment. I hate this..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Everyone has a different capacity for trying. His might be all used up.

If you are getting confused, back off the problem for a while and do something that makes you happy or diverts your attention. You may be getting tired, too. You're under a lot of stress.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

That makes sense, I just wish I could go back in time and fix it...But I can't and I have to live with that... Yes I am tired as hell, and I'm beyond stressed out. My anxiety is taking over once again, and I don't like that. I just hope that I am strong enough to get through this


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're strong enough. Whatever you survived that caused the underlying damage tells you that you are strong enough.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

*sighs*....You give great advice..I must say that...Thank you for everything..


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

remember that you're more than just the sum of your diagnoses.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

It doesn't feel that way....I feel like I am my diagnosis...Being taken over by the emotions, the moods, the thoughts..How can anyone want to be with me, when that's who i am becoming?


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

Krissy,

My experience and situation in life right now is very similar to yours, and while it's far from what I want to be the ending....I have managed to find peace and serenity and escape the fear and insecurity of it all. I have found that in dealing with my own personality issues (which are very similar to yours) that living on a more spiritual basis has brought a peace and serenity I've never imagined possible. 

Each morning, in prayer, I ask God to relieve me of my pride and ego and the fear that grips me when I'm left to my own devices. I also ask God to show me his will for me in that day and to give me the strength to carry it out. I ask God to give me the ability to be helpful to others. I also ask God to do the same for my wife, and to help her find peace and healing from the damage that has been caused over the years by my mental/emotional states. 

As I go through my day, I respect her wishes - which like your situation - are to be left alone and not bothered by me. It's difficult at times, but I have to remember that by trying to intervene where I'm not wanted I can only make things worse, never better. If I feel that fear resurfacing at any point during the day...I'll stop and repeat the prayer.

If I find a situation where I get/have to talk/deal with my wife on anything I will repeat that prayer before talking to her and remember to respect whatever her wishes are at that point. I've found that doing this makes it amazingly easy to be myself, communicate my points and needs, and still respect her boundaries. As a result, she's not getting the reaction that she's expecting from me in those moments, and she's beginning to see that she's getting the reactions that she's always truly wanted from me. She's still very fearful and tentative about things herself, but she's beginning to come around. I still don't know what the end result will be from it all....but I've reached a point in my relationship with God that I now feel confident that I'll be okay no matter what the end result happens to be.

I don't know if this helps, but I have found it to be life-changing in so many subtle but beautiful ways in my own life. My prayers are with you. I know exactly how you're feeling right now, and it can be a horrible, miserable place to be stuck. I've read through your multiple posts in this thread, and with each reply I can identify more with where you're at emotionally and how you're feeling. Keep the faith....it will work out.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You could also look at it this way -- now you know what the problem is where before I bet you just wondered what the heck was wrong with you. Since you know what is wrong, and there are therapies and medications out there to help, you can begin to figure out a coping strategy that works.

When I was diagnosed with ADD I was so relieved. It explained so much to me.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

I mean, it makes sense, but, it's so hard to deal with and just knowing that I will have to take medications for the rest of my life, and knowing that I will never truly get better, sucks..


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

I appreciate that. I have been trying to get back on the path of God. Although it's difficult because I feel so let down by him. I have passed through sooo much abuse in my lifetime..One after the other, and it's so hard to believe that God loves me. Why would he put me through that. I am so angry at him. But I do give him the time. I pray, I ask him, and beg him to help me fix my life. i ask him to help me go on the right path, and help me to find happiness. Does he really love everyone? Does he make mistakes? Those are the things that I wonder and question. Was I a mistake?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sure you will... you will get better. Maybe you'll never be like someone that hasn't gone through a lot of stuff, but then you also have some abilities that came *because* of those things. Abused people can spot abusers a mile away, for instance. You'll be better able to instruct your children about staying safe. You probably have a fair amount of empathy for other people when you aren't directly threatened by them and probably have a fair amount of intuition as well.

Also, age and maturity will help a lot, if you make it your business to become aware of your thinking and feelings and to learn to detect your automatic thoughts and reactions before you have a chance to do something that is damaging.

You can do this!!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Your abusers were mistakes.


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

Krissy said:


> I appreciate that. I have been trying to get back on the path of God. Although it's difficult because I feel so let down by him. I have passed through sooo much abuse in my lifetime..One after the other, and it's so hard to believe that God loves me. Why would he put me through that. I am so angry at him. But I do give him the time. I pray, I ask him, and beg him to help me fix my life. i ask him to help me go on the right path, and help me to find happiness. Does he really love everyone? Does he make mistakes? Those are the things that I wonder and question. Was I a mistake?


In my personal experience, I have in the past felt almost word for word what you say above. For me, it was the realization that it was my sickness and my own reliance on my sick mind that created those feelings and that reality. You might find reading this helpful:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf

Keep the faith. And realize....no matter how low we've gone, or how bad we believe our experiences to be....faith in God and pursuit of an existence on a spiritual plane can turn those things into powerful forces of positivity and good in our lives.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

That is all true. But why? I believe that things always happen for a reason. But don't I deserve a chance here. I keep being trampled with all these things at once. I just want a chance at life, at love, at happiness, and I can see that it's way out of my reach.


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

Krissy said:


> That is all true. But why? I believe that things always happen for a reason. But don't I deserve a chance here. I keep being trampled with all these things at once. I just want a chance at life, at love, at happiness, and I can see that it's way out of my reach.


Krissy, I can relate and identify with everything you've said. I too have wondered 'Why?' and felt that happiness was always going to be beyond my reach. It wasn't until I adopted these principles and became willing to go to any lengths in the pursuit of those principles that I found peace and serenity. 

For me, truly pursuing a spiritual connection with God was the answer. And when I did that, the peace and serenity just came to me. I didn't even have to work for them so long as I stayed on that path for my life. It continues to work for me, and I finish each day lately in amazement and wonder at how truly content I've become even though my external world is nothing like I would have arranged it if given my way.


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## Krissy (Oct 16, 2009)

I can understand that, I just hope that I can get to that point, I am still praying, and we'll see where and how it goes


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