# My husband no longer loves me



## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

I have been married for 6 years and now my husband says he doesnt love me. He says he is trying but just cant. He says he really wants to give this a shot. What should i do?


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## DrHereToHelp51 (Jul 11, 2011)

Therapy. Why give up?


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

he doesnt want therapy. He just wants to be able to fall in love again. but how long should i wait before i give up


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## DrHereToHelp51 (Jul 11, 2011)

I would try every last option if I were you. 6 years is a long time.


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

i am confused as to what to do, do i give him space,do i stick myself and just be with him? really confused.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Did he give a reason for the death of his love? Was this just out of the blue?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Who is he spending time with or talking to that caused him to suddenly notice he is noonget in love? Email and phone check time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's pretty blunt crisp statement on your husband's part. Is there anything more around that?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Find out if he is really saying, "I am trying to love you but I can't because I'm seeing someone else on the side," and "I really will give this a shot, because I feel guilty for seeing someone on the side."


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

He says his feelings just changed and I have nothing to do with it. he says i am a great woman and I dont deserve this. He doesnt know how it happened but i know he has a lady friend who he almost started an affair with in january. however he says that he fell out of love before that. He says he wants to try it again wit me but i dont know if its for the wrong reasons.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

married2005 said:


> He says his feelings just changed and I have nothing to do with it. he says i am a great woman and I dont deserve this. He doesnt know how it happened but i know he has a lady friend who he almost started an affair with in january. however he says that he fell out of love before that. He says he wants to try it again wit me but i dont know if its for the wrong reasons.


He is in the affair fog. Anyone got link? There is a section about infidelity. I will bet there are stickies. Also google affaircare.


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

affair fog? I got to google that one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Everyone who has an affair, like your husband, immediately changes their 'perception' of their marriage. Suddenly, the instant someone else enters the picture, they 'don't really love you' any more. Trust us; we've seen the exact same story hundreds of times.

What he's really telling you is that his Other Woman is meeting some of his needs, and you are meeting other needs. You either have to get rid of the OW, or walk away; he will never recommit to you while she is still in the picture. And yes, he DID start an affair - an emotional affair. Usually worse than physical ones, because he thinks he loves her.

Affair fog is the rationalization all affairees spew once their affair starts. It's called a script because they all say the same things. It's called a fog because it's like they're looking at you, the marriage, but through an affair-induced fog, so they can't see it clearly any longer. The affair fogs their vision so that the OW looks wonderful (right, cheating with a married man...wonderful; but HE doesn't see her that way), and YOU look like spoiled meat. You simply CANNOT REASON WITH HIM until she is gone. Accept that.

Now, to get him back you have to try to get proof first. Do you have phone records you can print out? Copies of emails? Other evidence? Here's what you do:

Get the evidence.

Tell him you know he's cheating on you, ask him to stop and honor the marriage.

When he refuses (he's not going to let you take away his affair crackpipe), you find his #1 important person - best friend, dad, mom, brother, sister - and go to that person and tell them that he's cheating on you. Ask them to talk to him. Sometimes that's all it takes - he doesn't want to lose their respect.

Find OW's husband and/or parents and contact them and tell them that she is cheating with a married man, ask them to get her to stop. He will be mad; ignore his fog babble - it's the ramblings of a drug addict.

If he still refuses to quit, you call up or visit his remaining important people, and let THEM know what he's doing. 

Sit back and hope they contact him. Do not deny telling them. Tell him you are fighting for your marriage and nothing else! Do NOT get sucked into an argument. It won't work with a drug addict.

Wait and see if the affair implodes; meanwhile take a good hard look at YOUR side of the marriage. Fix everything you find you could have done differently. Don't give him any excuses to blame this on you. Read His Needs Her Needs by Harley on how to make your marriage the best it can be. This is called Plan A.

Continue Plan A for no more than 2 months; if he doesn't pull his head out of his rear, make plans to separate, as the affair will take longer to fall apart. You do NOT want to be hanging around waiting. The #1 most powerful way to get your husband to want YOU, is to leave him. To deny him you. So he can't eat cake. Plus, it preserves your sanity and self esteem. 

This plan is the best hope you have of getting your husband back, and it has to start with removing OW from the picture.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He is having an affair and rewriting history so you don't see that his inappropriate relationship is the.love killer.

I wish this stuff weren't so predictable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously.

If it weren't so sad, it'd be laughable to be able to predict what the WH/WW will say once you expose:
I was GOING to choose you, but now you've ruined it.
I'm going to the lawyer TODAY!
This is all your fault!
You've ruined everything!
Now everyone thinks YOU are crazy!
Everyone is siding with me!

Yeah, right.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

I would start real simple and ask him what about the relationship isn't working for him anymore? Don't immediately site yourself as the problem, nor him. This question allows him to be as candid as he wants because it puts the focus on the relationship and not on the individual. From there you can hash out the accountability and responsibility between the two of you because remember, relationships take work from both people, not just one or the other. Good luck!


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

Ok so he knows i know about the emotional affair...i found out through a text on his phone. We dealt with it and it has ended since May (oh and she is married too). He works with her but swears to me that he no longer talks to her and doesnt intend to continue however he says he still has feelings for her. I asked him to please take her out of his lif and even try finding another job. I believe he is already applying to other locations. His mom knows about the relationship too and has talked to him...so does the woman's husband since I talked to him personally. so I guess i just have to give him time and wait to see what happens....is 2 months good enough?


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

Vixen3927 said:


> I would start real simple and ask him what about the relationship isn't working for him anymore? Don't immediately site yourself as the problem, nor him. This question allows him to be as candid as he wants because it puts the focus on the relationship and not on the individual. From there you can hash out the accountability and responsibility between the two of you because remember, relationships take work from both people, not just one or the other. Good luck!


yeah i asked him but he says he doesnt know...by now i guess its the other woman he has feelings for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to educate yourself on what an emotional affair IS. It is FEELINGS. He still works with her; he doesn't just turn off those feelings even if he's no longer talking to her (if you believe him). If he's still working with her, he's still having an affair, even in his mind.

You're going to have to do something scary and tell him that if he doesn't quit, you're not going to stay married. I know, I know, he's 'looking.' Are you with him while he's 'looking' or does he just say he is? Did he give you complete access to his phone and his computer? Do you have his passwords?

In the meantime, get the book I think I recommended (His Needs Her Needs). You won't fix your marriage without educating yourself. That book is the best place to start. Read it together and follow the instructions. But you have to have OW gone before it will work. He has to go through withdrawal.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Are you in the same physical shape as when you married, within reason? Be honest, as this is the elephant in the room most don't dare ask abouit......


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## married2005 (Jul 11, 2011)

actually i have gained about 20 lbs. always been big boned and he loved that about me


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Ask him straight up about that, in a non angry, matter of fact way when you two have not been talking about your problems for the moment. Maybe it has nothing to do with it, but maybe it does.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, one of men's top 5 Emotional Needs is usually an attractive partner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi there.

You have no marriage if he's having an affair. Plain and simple. 

Tell him you won't live in an marriage with a thir dparty and if he doesn't cut it off, you are going to take appropriate measures up to and including filing for divorce.

Tell the OW's husband. Do so without letting your husband or the OW know.

Don't believe anything your husband tells you either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> Seriously.
> 
> If it weren't so sad, it'd be laughable to be able to predict what the WH/WW will say once you expose:
> I was GOING to choose you, but now you've ruined it.
> ...


So true.


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