# I don't know what to make of this.



## WRnumber88 (Apr 23, 2015)

My wife and I had an argument the other week, and it culminated with her coming home the next day after spending the night at her parents house. I had spent the entire night cleaning, so I was asleep when she came home. We had chatted over text briefly in the morning, it was friendly, until it was that she came over. She comes in the room and tells me that we need to talk, and lures me out into the dining room as I see her parents in the living room. She tells me she wants a divorce, she asks me to relinquish our apartment to her (I decline), so she tells me that they hired movers and that they're going to take all of her stuff out. That was it, all of about 30 seconds at the table, and it was over. I felt extremely uncomfortable having that conversation in front of her parents, so I just went ahead and got it over with. I left the apartment. When I come back, it's practically empty, aside for some things in the kitchen, the fridge, and some of my belongings. She even took the internet router and the TV receivers. I had loaned her the majority of my most recent paycheck, so with her leaving, I've ended up having to sleep on the floor.

I ended up coming back later that night to grab a toothbrush so that I could go spend the night with a friend, and I caught her dad taking pictures of the apartment. It didn't register at the moment, but I get the feeling she told her parents that I was capable of destroying the apartment, hence what appears to be "before" pictures in case I lived up to her accusation. I have not heard from her since. I have not called, texted, or emailed her in any way whatsoever. She's trigger happy on Facebook, so she promptly deleted me. So that's it, not a peep for the past 2 weeks. She has a habit of getting her parents involved in all of our affairs, and her parents tend to overdo things instead of leaving it up to us to figure out. For example, a few months ago, she spend a massive sum of money that we really needed, and after a huge fight where she had dumped a bottle of water on me, broke my bedroom door down, broke some beer bottles, punched me in the face, and the neighbors called the police (I didn't press charges), her parents hired her a divorce lawyer. I've never been unfaithful, violent, or really anything to warrant such final actions, so needless to say, my relationship with her parents has soured very recently since I don't understand their eagerness to help her dissolve this marriage. 

Anyhow, it's been 2 weeks. There has been nothing but complete and utter radio silence between the two of us. I've expected some form of paperwork, but I haven't gotten anything. She's living at her parents house right now, so I assume that she put everything in storage. I've slowly started to refurnish the place, yet I've been wary about other things. For example, I logged into the cable and electric accounts (they're both only in her name), and they're both active, and falling past due. I can replace both on my own, especially since I don't have the cable boxes/router, and I can just get a new electric account under my name. I checked the district attorney's office online today, and nothing has been filed from her end yet. It takes all of 20 minutes to do so in our city. I have a friend who is also going through something similar, and her husband filed right away.

A thing about my wife is that she is the most impulsive person that I've ever met. Weirdly, borderline (if not undiagnosed) bipolar, where she will get an idea and get into this frenzy about it no matter what the consequences are. She has quit jobs on a whim. When I was supporting her, she'd go from living normally to spending a lot of money on weird things like Yankee Candle. That fight I mentioned earlier when the police were called? Because she spent $500 at Costco to have her friend over for a day at the pool, when rent was due 3 days later. One time she got mad at me, so she got a tattoo that was so far out of her budget (before we had gotten married), that she fell behind on all of her bills for 3 months. The idea of her moving out to make a divorce seem real is not totally out of the question. It's not that I'm remaining hopeful, it's just that I need to know what she plans on doing, because this door isn't going to remain open forever. I don't want to divorce her, I want her to get help in many ways, but I'm not going to wait for her to get her fill of single life so she can crawl back after she's had her fun.

So what's the deal, TAM? Few questions:

1. She came to the apartment that morning at 11:30. By 11:35, the movers came in the door. I've never hired a moving company before. How short notice can you hire movers?

2. Should I pay these bills that are in her name? I'm not talking about her car note and personal loan, I'm talking about the electric and the cable. Should I just let them default and let her worry about it, or would you think that she's trying to prove some sort of point to her parents if I don't pay them?

3. It's been 2 weeks, and she's held divorce over my head since September last year, ever since her parents put a retainer on one. For someone that just made it to the woods, I find it really weird that she's setting up camp instead of going forward.

4. What should I do? Her parents have some bogus image of me, and I can't figure out what it is that she's said to them that has ruined my image. I do not feel comfortable calling, texting, let alone showing up at their doorstep. If I text/send an email, I get the feeling it's just documentation I'm providing. If I send her flowers or something, she's liable to frenzy and get a restraining order. I feel like her parents are in complete control right now.

5. How long should I wait before I entirely give up?

6. POLL: Is she bluffing or not?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Why wait? No need for you to be in this marriage, assuming her parents have many years ahead of them. File for divorce.


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## WRnumber88 (Apr 23, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Why wait? No need for you to be in this marriage, assuming her parents have many years ahead of them. File for divorce.


I don't agree with it. We've had our problems, but they always have solutions. Her parents meddle way too much in our marriage (we're in our 30's), and I feel like I have less control over my own marriage than they do.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Be honest with yourself, take the love out of the equation, because love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Your talking about the best years of your life dedicated to an unstable person.

Fact is, you do not know if she will receive help or not, or if she will continue it down the line. I know you love her and want to be with her, but think rationally instead. She is a toxic element in your life.

People make mistakes in not leaving when the writing is on the wall, they let their love over rule logical sense. Things with her family will never be the same, if your family and friends find out, their relationship with her will be strain as well.

Time to detach, work on why you let someone cause you misery and cannot let them go. I am sure there are good moments, but things of this nature still happened, and the good does not mean the negative does not exist.

You have a lot of signals telling you to leave this relationship, but love is irrational at times. You may be addicted to the drama, because of the constant high and lows that keep you hooked to her. Take that into consideration as well.


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## ThirtySixThousandAndTwo (Mar 12, 2015)

Mr Fisty Wrote: "People make mistakes in not leaving when the writing is on the wall, they let their love over rule logical sense. "

Very True. If it was your friend, would you want them to be in that 
relationship?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Can you just send her a text and ask her if she's planning to file for divorce?

Also, Yankee candles are not weird . Spending $500 on pool party for two is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your wife sounds just awful. Who cares whether she's filing or not? File for divorce yourself. You'll be WAAAAAY better off w/o her.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

1. She came to the apartment that morning at 11:30. By 11:35, the movers came in the door. I've never hired a moving company before. How short notice can you hire movers?

She probably set it up in advance. Doesn't really matter though.

2. Should I pay these bills that are in her name? I'm not talking about her car note and personal loan, I'm talking about the electric and the cable. Should I just let them default and let her worry about it, or would you think that she's trying to prove some sort of point to her parents if I don't pay them?

If it doesn't affect your quality of life or credit let her worry about her own bills. Who cares what her parents think?

3. It's been 2 weeks, and she's held divorce over my head since September last year, ever since her parents put a retainer on one. For someone that just made it to the woods, I find it really weird that she's setting up camp instead of going forward.

Who cares what her gameplan is? Take control of your own destiny and file (you can always stop it, though, I don't know why you would). She's been holding D over your head for 8 months. She's disordered (said you), immature and irresponsible. 

4. What should I do? Her parents have some bogus image of me, and I can't figure out what it is that she's said to them that has ruined my image. I do not feel comfortable calling, texting, let alone showing up at their doorstep. If I text/send an email, I get the feeling it's just documentation I'm providing. If I send her flowers or something, she's liable to frenzy and get a restraining order. I feel like her parents are in complete control right now.

See above. And please don't send her flowers - do you really want to reward this behavior?

5. How long should I wait before I entirely give up? 

Negative 8 months.

6. POLL: Is she bluffing or not?

Irrelevant


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Since they weren't mentioned I'm assuming no children...

1.) Since the father was in the apartment on his own I'd go to the rental office and explain your wife and you have separated and that she has moved out. Request a lock change and her removal from the lease/rental agreement as she is no longer an occupant.

2.) Take pictures of your own. Silly. Maybe. But you never know.

3.) File. Takes 20 minutes there I hear.

4.) Don't pay her bills. Let a court work that out if needed.

5.) Rebuild. Your life and yourself.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

WRnumber88 said:


> I felt extremely uncomfortable having that conversation in front of her parents, so I just went ahead and got it over with. I left the apartment. When I come back, it's practically empty, aside for some things in the kitchen, the fridge, and some of my belongings.
> 
> I ended up coming back later that night to grab a toothbrush so that I could go spend the night with a friend, and I caught her dad taking pictures of the apartment. It didn't register at the moment, but I get the feeling she told her parents that I was capable of destroying the apartment, hence what appears to be "before" pictures in case I lived up to her accusation.
> 
> ...





WRnumber88 said:


> I don't agree with it. We've had our problems, but they always have solutions. Her parents meddle way too much in our marriage (we're in our 30's), and I feel like I have less control over my own marriage than they do.


WRnumber88, you are unwell. I strongly urge you to get lots of Individual Counseling, starting Monday.

You have been subjected to physical and emotional abuse, and the fact that you as a man allowed it demonstrates quite thoroughly that you need professional help really a lot.

At a minimum you suffer from NSED- Non-existent Self Esteem Disorder (I just made that up, it's not a formal psychological diagnosis). At worst, you are full on codependent.

The questions you ask indicate that you are unbelievably clueless about real life, which is hard for me to accept at face value, but, okay, I'll play along......

1) Generally, you need to schedule movers at least 24 hours in advance. More advance notice is better. The movers who cleaned out your apartment were probably lined out over a week earlier, and the argument was planned, initiated, and executed by your wife, in order to have the movers come in and clear things out.

2) Yes. You should pay the bills that are in her name. Pay off the existing balances, and terminate the service to your apartment. Open up new service in your name only, and make sure the accounts are locked, such that only YOU have any access to them. In the mean time, change the locks on your apartment doors, and make sure the windows are locked.

2b) You know what? Her parents? They aren't your friends. They are not in this to help you and your wife work things out. If you find Daddy snooping around, rummage around in your pants for your testicles, and man up and tell him to LEAVE. It's not his apartment. It's YOURS. Your wife vacated the place. He damn sure doesn't need to be inside taking pictures.

2c) Jesus Christ. It's getting hard to play along. Item 2b should only be a short term problem since you're going to change your locks.

3) For someone whose wife has held the threat of divorce over his head since September, I find it really weird that you accepted the threat, rather than giving her the gift of missing you by telling her to go ahead and file.

4) You should go get counseling. You should contact a lawyer and file for divorce on your own. You should not give a single f*ck what her parents think. Actually, you shouldn't give a single f*ck what SHE thinks either. You should start planning on a life without her in it, and thank your lucky stars that you don't have children with her. You should go find some new hobbies and new friends.

5) You should formally give up on any hope of reconciling with this person on September 01, 2014. Note that that date is several months ago. I point this out because, all things considered, you seem really slow to realize things that are obvious.

6) WHO CARES?????? Pray that she's serious, and that she intends to go make someone else's life horrible. 

7) Contact your local police and sheriff. Explain the situation to members of each law enforcement organization, and get some business cards. That way, if wifey shows up and tries to beat you up, or just tries to get law enforcement involved, you have some people already up to speed on your side of things.

7b) Make sure you keep emergency contact information for your lawyer within arms reach too.

7c) Go to Best Buy and buy a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). put batteries in it, test it, and get familiar with its workings. Whenever you have any face to face dealings with your wife or her parents, make sure the VAR is running and recording. Otherwise, communicate by email, so there is a written record.

You don't know what to make of this?

Make it about freedom, restoration, and your own personal redemption.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

WRnumber88 said:


> She is the most impulsive person that I've ever met. Weirdly, borderline (if not undiagnosed) bipolar, where she will get an idea and get into this frenzy about it no matter what the consequences are.


WR, perhaps she is "borderline bipolar." Or perhaps she has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Another possibility is that she has strong traits of both. I note that a recent large-scale study found that 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have co-occurring full-blown BPD.



> She had dumped a bottle of water on me, broke my bedroom door down, broke some beer bottles, punched me in the face, and the neighbors called the police....


Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your W is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> She is the most impulsive person that I've ever met.


The lack of impulse control is another one of the nine defining traits for BPD. 



> So what's the deal, TAM?


WR, only a professional can diagnose your W's issues. Hence, if you are unwilling to file for divorce, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you have been dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if most seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 Warning Signs*_. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, WR.


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