# Frustrations in dating someone without kids



## proudwidaddy

My divorce has been final a year next month; I've been dating this wonderul woman the last four months. We met on a dating website.

I have two children, she has none. I've done my best to manage my time with the kids and her. She knows that my kids come first but I've told her I always will make time for her.

This upcoming Saturday I had previously made plans with her after work, not knowing that my son's first baseball game was at night (I work retail so I'm able to make it, when normally I can't). I called her back, apologized that I had to cancel to make my son's first game.

I understand she is disappointed, I was sad to have to make a decision between two people I love. But my children come first. It stinks that sometimes in order to make one person happy that I love I have to make the other person I love sad.

She is mad at me today, and hardly is talking with me. 

What to do?


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## unsure78

Hey Proud long time... glad to hear that that overall you are doing well. Kids still come first, if she cant understand that she not the girl for you. Its not like this is going to change anytime soon, your kids are young and need you. If she the right one for you she will understand this. Let her cool down and talk with reiterating your priorities.


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## proudwidaddy

Unsure....good to hear from you. You are right, I couldn't look my son in the eye and tell him "Daddy missed your game, when I could've gone, so I can hang out with my girlfriend."

Just frustrating that's all.....needed a good place to vent. Maybe she is more upset because I had initially told her I would make it, so she was looking forward to it then I had to cancel as opposed to if I initially told her no.


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## Dedicated2Her

Person who has no kids= dealbreaker for me. Sorry Proud. This isn't going to go away.


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## unsure78

Sure i get why she might be a bit upset, but kids come first. Most likely she will get over it


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## proudwidaddy

@Dedicated I used to have that rule too....but with her, man I've connected with her in so many ways. She makes me laugh, smile in more ways than ever before. I don't want to give up on her....BUT if this is an issue for her that will be constant than unfortunately for her she will loose a great guy.


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## unbelievable

There are people who say they understand your kids come first and there are people who actually understand your kids come first. She is in the former group. I am of the opinion that one should be extremely cautious if they have kids and they are dating someone who has never been a parent. The only folks who even remotely understand parents are parents. I have three kids. I married a woman who has never had any. My kids are grown and aren't often an issue, even slightly. Whenever they do require my attention, however, I get a ration of drama from my wife. Save yourself a life of hassle and put this one back. If she feels she is entitled to your undivided devotion now, wait for her to get a ring and a piece of paper. If you are going to get whipped with the guilt stick every time your kids need you, you're in for a very long, ugly life. Being a parent means dealing with surprises and most of them are unpleasant. You really can't hook up with someone who feels like they are in competition with your kids. If you do, you'll find out how long life can be.


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## COGypsy

Probably not going to be a popular response, but as a childfree woman, I'd be pretty irritated too. First of all, you made plans with me. I cleared my schedule for you. Now I'm stuck for something to do on the weekend. Second, there are a million and twelve baseball games during the season. Surely there will be another one you could go to. I would understand if it was your weekend with the kids or something, but presumably it's not. It wouldn't seem that different from you deciding to go to a pro game with your buddies to me.

I'd be expecting some kind of a serious make-up date afterwards.

Of course, that attitude might be different if she's say, a woman who wants kids and just hasn't had any yet. But then again, I'm on the opposite side of the same fence as Dedicated2Her. Kids that aren't grown and gone are an absolute deal breaker for me. Granted, it makes dating a little more challenging in my late 30's, but I figure at least I recognize my utter lack of interest in kids. That saves a lot of issues like this right there.

Frankly, unless you're dating women who want a family at some point or who already have kids, I find it to be a pretty fundamental mismatch. Not wanting kids, I personally don't want _any_ kids. Even if you may not want _more_ kids, being a parent to the children you already made is forever and clearly your first priority and if she has/wants none, it will always be some kind of conflict. It's just a second chapter to the whole "I want kids and my spouse doesn't" debate.


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## Jellybeans

If it becomes a pattern or something you aren't ok with, then dump her.


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## vi_bride04

unsure78 said:


> Hey Proud long time... glad to hear that that overall you are doing well. Kids still come first, if she cant understand that she not the girl for you. Its not like this is going to change anytime soon, your kids are young and need you. If she the right one for you she will understand this. Let her cool down and talk with reiterating your priorities.


:iagree:

I don't have kids, don't want kids. But I saw how important it is for children to have a good dad in their lives due to my ex abandoning his. 

If I'm getting involved with a man with kids I know I will be put on the back burner at times. I am find with that. It shows alot of integrity on the guys part of wanting to be an active and positive part of their kids lives. 

If a woman you are dating can't understand that and throws little fits when she doesn't get your attention and doesn't communicate to you properly why she is upset...well, she probably isn't one to have LT potential with. Kids always come first.


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## zillard

COGypsy said:


> It wouldn't seem that different from you deciding to go to a pro game with your buddies to me.


I'm sorry you feel this way. I completely disagree. Friends and kids are never on the same level.



COGypsy said:


> I'd be expecting some kind of a serious make-up date afterwards.


This is great. Completely agree with a good make-up date.

If she can calm down and be understanding.


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## unbelievable

This sulking, silent treatment crap is an asinine way for an alleged adult to deal with disappointment, anyway. Kids or no kids, it wouldn't take much of that nonsense for me to chunk this one to the curb. What sort of plans did you have with her? Were you planning to donate a kidney to her? In a world full of surprises and disappointments, a postponed date is hardly worth a prolonged childish drama display. This one needs to go back to her mama and finish getting raised.


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## Dedicated2Her

> She is mad at me today, and hardly is talking with me.


I'm sorry, dude. Passive aggressiveness doesn't work for me and is another deal breaker. I get it that she "lights your fire", but she won't be "lighting your fire" once the neurotransmitters in your brain calm down from the newness of the relationship. 

If some chick got passive aggressive with me about my son's game especially if I can't go much, we got problems. Seriously.


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## COGypsy

> I'm sorry you feel this way. I completely disagree. Friends and kids are never on the same level.


Clearly, if he's cancelling dates to go to a baseball game. 

Which is pretty much why I don't spend a lot of time with people who have kids. I'm okay as an occasional "auntie" and I'm thrilled that my friends have a life that fulfills them, but it's just not a life that would ever suit me.

ETA: I completely agree with the whole silent treatment bit, especially so early in a relationship. That's as much a red flag as being upset in the first place.


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## zillard

COGypsy said:


> Clearly, if he's cancelling dates to go to a baseball game.
> 
> Which is pretty much why I don't spend a lot of time with people who have kids. I'm okay as an occasional "auntie" and I'm thrilled that my friends have a life that fulfills them, but it's just not a life that would ever suit me.


That's a good move for you then, imo.



unbelievable said:


> The only folks who even remotely understand parents are parents.


Going to the game really has nothing to do with baseball. 

It's about showing support for the child. 

Which is more important than any date.


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## angelpixie

I don't know if this makes a difference to Proud or not, but he also said it's his son's _first_ baseball game. That's a milestone. A really big deal. Esp for a dad and a son. If Proud told her that as well, and she's still sulking? Sorry, Proud, throw this one back. She doesn't get it now, when the relationship is new, and people are at their most starry-eyed and forgiving, so you know it won't get any better.


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## proudwidaddy

I thank everyone for their opinions and I value them all equally. She has since texted me and while she's not talking about the cancelled date she is talking to me about normal stuff that we talk about on a day to day.

I feel bad because normally I would've consulted my schedule for my children's activities before agreeing. The date was to go to her sister's wedding graduation party. I've met most of her family, but not this sister yet.

I'm keeping my eyes wide open on this. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I'm also not rug sweeping either. I'm not a fan of the passive agreesive behavior (my ex wife did that all the time).


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## unbelievable

You are human. You will forget things once in a while. You will screw up once in a while. There was one perfect being on this planet and they crucified him. Your heinous crime is trying to be a decent father. The same selfless devotion would end up also extended to whatever woman you decided to commit to. An intelligent one should be able to recognize that fact. The trait she finds unacceptable about you today is the very same one she would be depending upon a few years from now. I don't think the issue is so much about your kids as it is about a selfish, childish female who believed it when folks called her a princess. Feces happens and the princess may as well get used to it.


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## proudwidaddy

Well what is supposed to happen will work itself out either way


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## COGypsy

That puts an entirely different spin on things. That's probably a really big deal to her. I know it would be for my family, even if was just a patio barbeque, it's a big celebration for her and for them. That's an entirely different scale than a regular Saturday night "dinner and a club" date.

If it were me, the radio silence would have been more like holding my tongue until I could be polite again than passive aggressive pouting. It wouldn't have been just disappointment about not getting to see you at that point. If her family is anything like mine, every parent, sibling, aunt, uncle and cousin will ask where the boyfriend that was supposed to come is at. Pretty awkward for her at an event like that.


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## Dollystanford

Yo proud baby, keep an eye on this though - make sure it doesn't happen too often. Your kids are important to you and that's part of you. Any woman you're with has to take you as a package


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## EnjoliWoman

This isn't like cancelling to hang out with buddies. As a parent I would expect to be at EVERY game. Kids really notice who is there and who is not.

To be mad and sulky is a poor attitude. I get it that she cleared her schedule and was looking forward to seeing you but being pissy about it? Grow up.

I think you should tell her you understand she's upset but you are going to be there for your kids and if all goes well, you'd love for her to come with you when the time is right but that this isn't going to change and if she can't accept that, you understand.

Maybe even asking if she participated in sports, music instrument, etc. - something where there was a recital or games and ask if her parents came and how would she feel if they didn't? Or if only one parent came, how thrilled she would be if both were there?

I agree a good make-up date should be planned but she shouldn't shut down over something like this.

Sometimes we just need a reality check.


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## EnjoliWoman

COGypsy said:


> That puts an entirely different spin on things. That's probably a really big deal to her. I know it would be for my family, even if was just a patio barbeque, it's a big celebration for her and for them. That's an entirely different scale than a regular Saturday night "dinner and a club" date.
> 
> If it were me, the radio silence would have been more like holding my tongue until I could be polite again than passive aggressive pouting. It wouldn't have been just disappointment about not getting to see you at that point. If her family is anything like mine, every parent, sibling, aunt, uncle and cousin will ask where the boyfriend that was supposed to come is at. Pretty awkward for her at an event like that.


I think it would be easy to say in an upbeat tone "His son is playing his very first baseball game tonight! Isn't that exciting?" and move on. I would hope the family would respect him for that.


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## golfergirl

Any reason why someone couldn't attend game and meet up for coffee and dessert later? What kind of driving distances are involved? I get the importance of first anything for kids. I blew off a very important union meeting for my boy's first soccer game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland

This is a big issue,sounds like you are handling it well OP.

As a parent I had a rule that it was fine to date men without kids but to never get into anything serious with a man that was not a parent, not just a parent though but an involved parent.

SO and I both have kids, we made it clear to each other at the start that our respective children are the most important people to us. We are the adults, we can and do put our plans on hold when things come up for our kids.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

With her attitude, I wouldn't date her. You don't want her to be jealous over your children. I've seen it before and it makes me sick.

You are a wonderful father. I'm not sure if she has met your children, but if she has you could of asked her to come with to the game. 

Changing date plans shouldn't make anyone angry if something important comes up or if one is sick. You girlfriend is quick to get angry and that's not a good sign.


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## proudwidaddy

Status update I went over to her parent's house on Friday night for a nice family bonfire, it was a good time and I know it meant alot to my girlfriend.

Last night was my son's baseball game and I'm so glad I went. The smile on his face was priceless. Plus I was there to help instruct him on the proper swing mechanics. 

It's a balancing act for sure. I did talk more about this with my girl and she is good. 

Thanks everyone for their input.

@Dolly long time no talk how ya been?


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## Dollystanford

I'm very well darling, glad to see you happy


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## Bafuna

Coming from a different angle, this could have nothing to do with being jealous of your son etc, it could be trust issues???
1. she doesnt believe you were actually at a baseball game with your son 
2. She thinks you knew all along that you had a game and still went on to make plans with her and then cancel at the last time. Even though your kids come first it doesnt mean you should treat other people less respectfully, if you do you are not worth her time

So I suggest you build her trust in you so she knows when you say something happened that was an emergancy, she'll undrestand, its still will be upsetting but understandable and acceptable


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## Pulse9

I can't speak for anyone else, but personally I could not date anyone without kids. The lifestyles are just too different. Someone without kids will inevitably be resentful or at the very least, miffed a lot, when you put the kids first (as you should). I never wanted to take that chance that someone would feel I was limiting them from doing the things I can't with a small child or that my love for them was limited because I put him first. I have so much more in common with dads anyway, because so much of my life revolves around my son.

Even my mother at 54 is married to a man who never had children and they have their issues because he does not understand her need to be around her grandson (my son). So even after the kids are adults and leave the house, you are always a parent and people without children will never get your level of commitment to them. Just my two cents.


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## tacoma

I'm not one of those who lives by the "The children come first" motto not at all.

However, this situation doesn't bode well for your future with her.

When an adult can't understand the importance if a kids first ball game and how they really need the support of their parents then that adult is far too self centered to be a quality candidate for step -parent.

I was an unmarried childless man when dating my single mom of two boys wife.

Whenever she had an issue like this come up my reaction was "Cool, can I come to the game?"


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## tacoma

COGypsy said:


> Second, there are a million and twelve baseball games during the season. Surely there will be another one you could go to. .


There will never be another "first" ball game for this kid.

It is different from any other game he'll ever play in his life.
It's scary, the very nature of it feeds a kids insecurities.

You simply can't miss the kids "first" game.

You can miss the third or the thirty-third but you can't miss the "first".


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## tacoma

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think it would be easy to say in an upbeat tone "His son is playing his very first baseball game tonight! Isn't that exciting?" and move on. I would hope the family would respect him for that.


Exactly, it wouldn't be a problem.

What exactly is a "Wedding graduation" anyway?

I'm clueless.


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## guyinmd

angelpixie said:


> I don't know if this makes a difference to Proud or not, but he also said it's his son's _first_ baseball game. That's a milestone. A really big deal. Esp for a dad and a son. If Proud told her that as well, and she's still sulking? Sorry, Proud, throw this one back. She doesn't get it now, when the relationship is new, and people are at their most starry-eyed and forgiving, so you know it won't get any better.


My dad drove from PA while ill to see my son's first bball game. It is a milestone. He died three weeks later.


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## guyinmd

COGypsy said:


> Clearly, if he's cancelling dates to go to a baseball game.
> 
> Which is pretty much why I don't spend a lot of time with people who have kids. I'm okay as an occasional "auntie" and I'm thrilled that my friends have a life that fulfills them, but it's just not a life that would ever suit me.
> 
> ETA: I completely agree with the whole silent treatment bit, especially so early in a relationship. That's as much a red flag as being upset in the first place.


I would never date a woman like you. My match and ok accounts are plastered with stuff about my kids. Like putting an enemy's head on a spike, it is intended to keep people like you away!


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## vi_bride04

guyinmd said:


> I would never date a woman like you. My match and ok accounts are plastered with stuff about my kids. Like putting an enemy's head on a spike, it is intended to keep people like you away!


Whoa, why so harsh?

If you know of any of COGypsy's background, you know she is child free by choice. She knows she doesn't want to be involved as a parent, and IMO is a great thing she recognizes this instead of trying to force something to work that won't.

And its great you plaster your kids all over your dating profile. It keeps women like me and COGypsy away for sure. 

People who know they don't want kids and people who have kids are definitely best not to date each other.


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## guyinmd

vi_bride04 said:


> Whoa, why so harsh?
> 
> If you know of any of COGypsy's background, you know she is child free by choice. She knows she doesn't want to be involved as a parent, and IMO is a great thing she recognizes this instead of trying to force something to work that won't.
> 
> And its great you plaster your kids all over your dating profile. It keeps women like me and COGypsy away for sure.
> 
> People who know they don't want kids and people who have kids are definitely best not to date each other.


Was I harsh? I don't think so. Just responding to the "that's why I don't guys with kids" remark. I agree with you 100%, but not harshly.


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## Jellybeans

guyinmd said:


> Was I harsh? I don't think so.


Yeah, this is a bit harsh:



guyinmd said:


> I would never date a woman like you. My match and ok accounts are plastered with stuff about my kids. *Like putting an enemy's head on a spike, it is intended to keep people like you away!*


That likening it to "putting an enemy's head on a spike" attitude would definitely keep "women like me away" anyway. LOL.


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> Whoa, why so harsh?
> 
> If you know of any of COGypsy's background, you know she is child free by choice. She knows she doesn't want to be involved as a parent, and IMO is a great thing she recognizes this instead of trying to force something to work that won't.


I agree. 



vi_bride04 said:


> And its great you plaster your kids all over your dating profile. It keeps women like me and COGypsy away for sure.


:rofl:

Also this thread is nearly a year old. Wonder what happened with these two.


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## COGypsy

guyinmd said:


> I would never date a woman like you. My match and ok accounts are plastered with stuff about my kids. Like putting an enemy's head on a spike, it is intended to keep people like you away!


I'm actually a huge fan of people including kid info on their pages--it does absolutely work as a deterrent. Saves wasted time on both sides, believe me! Before I met my guy, I met a guy from match for a beer one afternoon. About 20 minutes into our meeting he just happened to mention that he had SOLE custody of his SIX kids. Not a peep about that on his profile. Not one peep. I was absolutely floored. I just flat out told him I had no response to information like that and thought it would have been something he'd have mentioned. Clearly not compatible, so I just handed him a $20 for our drinks and ended it there. If he'd put the slightest mention of having a basketball team at his house, we'd have both saved some time.


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## COGypsy

vi_bride04 said:


> Whoa, why so harsh?
> 
> If you know of any of COGypsy's background, you know she is child free by choice. She knows she doesn't want to be involved as a parent, and IMO is a great thing she recognizes this instead of trying to force something to work that won't.
> 
> And its great you plaster your kids all over your dating profile. It keeps women like me and COGypsy away for sure.
> 
> People who know they don't want kids and people who have kids are definitely best not to date each other.





Jellybeans said:


> I agree.
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> Also this thread is nearly a year old. Wonder what happened with these two.


Thanks for gettin' my back Vi and JB!! :smthumbup:


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## vi_bride04

guyinmd said:


> Was I harsh? I don't think so. Just responding to the "that's why I don't guys with kids" remark. I agree with you 100%, but not harshly.


Well the enemies head on a spike thing just seemed harsh.

I know it is a forum though so I'm sure tones were not interpreted correctly. I'm tired today and snippy with everyone. 

Carry on!


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## Jellybeans

COGypsy said:


> Thanks for gettin' my back Vi and JB!! :smthumbup:


You know we got you! (said in my rapper voice)












COGypsy said:


> it does absolutely work as a deterrent. Saves wasted time on both sides, believe me! Before I met my guy, I met a guy from match for a beer one afternoon. About 20 minutes into our meeting he just happened to mention that he had SOLE custody of his SIX kids.
> 
> Clearly not compatible, so I just handed him a $20 for our drinks and ended it there. If he'd put the slightest mention of having a basketball team at his house, we'd have both saved some time.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Hardtohandle

I posted up a while ago about dating or not dating women with and without kids.. 

It really just ended up being depends on the person your with. As was mentioned some women never had kids for several reasons, but always wanted to have one. I know a female co-worker who wanted a child and ended up with cancer that prevented her from having kids.

I know another that went to Russia to adopt a child and then ended up giving birth to twins. She is single but won a 5.8 million lawsuit settlement on top of a 6 figure disability pension.. 


What I didn't see anyone ask is how much do you see her during the week ? If you haven't seen her in 5 or 6 days I can understand why she was hurt.. I'm on your side with this one.. But I can relate to her feelings..

Why didn't you invite her to the game ?

My current G.F. has a tendency to be busy when we don't see eye to eye. 

In the end everyone has issues and everyone is crazy in some way. 

On the other hand I have a 14 and a 9 year old and I tell them straight out dad isn't going to find someone sitting on the couch.. I need to go out and I need to meet people. I need to see how they are and know if they are the right person to be around you. 

I do have guilt sometimes when I go out or spend the night at the G.F. house.. She has kids of her own and tells me she went through the same thing... 

Unfortunately Divorce makes this all complicated.. You all can thank your Ex spouses for that.. The narrow minded, short sighted d0uchebags they are.. Well at least mine is..


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## Healer

I've dated 5 or so women since my split and not one of them has kids. I'm actually interested in dating a woman with kids. It's also very difficult to find the time, as I have mine Wed-Sun, and Monday night is rehearsal night with the band. Sunday and Tuesday evenings suck for dating. Both work nights. Not sure how I'm ever going to make it work.


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## zillard

Healer said:


> I've dated 5 or so women since my split and not one of them has kids. I'm actually interested in dating a woman with kids. It's also very difficult to find the time, as I have mine Wed-Sun, and Monday night is rehearsal night with the band. Sunday and Tuesday evenings suck for dating. Both work nights. Not sure how I'm ever going to make it work.


And if you find a woman with kids, finding time will be even more difficult. 

It can certainly be frustrating. Going from being married to dating someone once a week or so is very different. Hard to get used to that. 

It can be done though. (I think)


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## Healer

zillard said:


> And if you find a woman with kids, finding time will be even more difficult.
> 
> It can certainly be frustrating. Going from being married to dating someone once a week or so is very different. Hard to get used to that.
> 
> It can be done though. (I think)


True. I guess that's double the scheduling conflicts. If you both have your kids/are free on the same nights it could be perfect...but that's unlikely.

On a positive note, a gal I was seeing a ways back has been in Belize since January and is now back and just asked to get together. She's coming to see my band play Saturday. Honestly I haven't had sex since January (with her) so I'm REALLY glad she's back and interested.


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## Jellybeans

I think I remember Belize girl! Did you write a post about her? Sounds familiar. I hope you guys have fun!


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## EnjoliWoman

I certainly mention my daughter in any dating profiles I've had but I NEVER put a photo. I don't want to be paranoid but I've known of (friend of friend things) where predators were looking for single Mom's of girls. In both instances they wooed Mom - one got married - and after Mom's defenses were down, molested the girls and denied it saying they just hated seeing Mom happy and it was all lies, etc. 

I guess it doesn't matter as much now because a) I'd trust my kid; and b) she'd beat the crap out of him.  But I'm still careful about posting pics of my girl. I hope that doesn't make it seem like I'm not into kids.


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## Healer

Jellybeans said:


> I think I remember Belize girl! Did you write a post about her? Sounds familiar. I hope you guys have fun!


I probably did...we had a good time. She didn't end up coming Saturday. There was a different gal there who I heard was "crushing" on me. Oh how junior high. We played a killer set and then I went and talked to her. The next band got up and she said "want to go closer and watch?". So we did. We kind of ended up bumping hips, kinda flirty. Then a slow song came on and I got bold - got behind her, grabbed her hips and we bumped and grinded. It was a lot of fun actually. Held hands, danced. She asked me to walk her to her car and I obliged. But I did not kiss her - I could've, but it was too soon. I've made that mistake before. ;-)

Then Monday we had another show and she was there. We're talking and I get a text from Belize girl "coming to see you now!". Of ****! So they were both there at the same time. I have more of a history with Belize girl so I stayed with her and went home with her. We had fun but I got ZERO sleep because I'm used to sleeping alone and not in someone else's bed. I felt like ass at work yesterday.

Anyway, it was good to have some female companionship. But I'm still not in a relationship space just yet.


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## unbelievable

Dating is mate selection and self-centered people make lousy life partners, so there's no really point in dating one. Whether it's about kids, parents, or your job, whoever you end up with will end up having to take a back seat to other commitments now and then. You will end up having to step aside while she attends to other commitments. We call that "life". Those who need to always be the star of the show need to remain single. Marriage is sacrifice, service, and forgiveness, putting the success of the marriage always before any selfish concerns.


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## Jellybeans

Healer said:


> I have more of a history with Belize girl so I stayed with her and went home with her.


:smthumbup:


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