# Must you go to X's place for the kids - is there any other way ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l just hate going to X's new rental.
Whatever's going on with my X l am pretty sure OM is still a round to. Just not in front of my daughter anymore but still on the scene even if slower .

I've tried to mentally put spin on it to get me through but the truth is , l just hate going near that damn house. l never want to go near that place again to be honest, ever.
But , it makes it easier for my daughter because l can go over there for a few hrs through the week and that helps take pressure of her to be staying here more. Trouble is , I've had enough of it .

How do you work it , do you stay over around for your kids or is there another way ?
In the summer I was mainly just picking her up and we'd go somewhere from there but it's too cold now .
She stays over here most week ends . I ring her most nights when she's not here and then I drop in there for a few hrs 1 or 2 nights a week too.


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## LostInMT (Apr 24, 2013)

I absolutely do not believe you have to or should go over to the X's place to see your Daughter.

Out of curiosity, what is the parenting plan or what will it be?

My STBX (2 Days until official) already moved in with OM and I absolutely refuse to go anywhere near their APT.

We usually meet somewhere in town to exchange our Daughter. She started daycare this morning so now I won't have to see her, I can just drop her off and her mother can go pick her up at the end of the day. Up until this point it was rough for me to keep her overnight but I felt it was better for my Little One and Myself.

Let us know a little more about how things are "going" to be or already are and I'm sure that we can give you some good advice.

I repeat again for your mental health, DO NOT GO OVER THERE. It may help your Daughter being there but if there is one thing I have learned:

If you are not happy and healthy, how can you expect your Daughter to be the same when she is with you? In order to take care of her you need to take care of yourself. It sounds selfish but IMHO I think it's the truth.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I know tons of people who meet on "neutral" ground when they exchange the kids but it sounds like you do visitation on a much more informal basis.

Perhaps for your own mental stability you'd be better formalizing it and getting your daughter on a regular schedule.

Routines are good for kids and it will help her to continue to adjust to the idea that mom and dad are no longer together


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

LostInMT said:


> I absolutely do not believe you have to or should go over to the X's place to see your Daughter.
> 
> Out of curiosity, what is the parenting plan or what will it be?
> 
> ...



Thanks so much Lost and man am I grateful I've at least had a little feed back here.
I'll fill you in better next.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I know tons of people who meet on "neutral" ground when they exchange the kids but it sounds like you do visitation on a much more informal basis.
> 
> Perhaps for your own mental stability you'd be better formalizing it and getting your daughter on a regular schedule.
> 
> Routines are good for kids and it will help her to continue to adjust to the idea that mom and dad are no longer together



Do you really , know tons I mean. Please stick around and I'll post next what we've been doing. And thanks so much for the feed back to btw.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks so much guys.
Personally , before now , 6 mths , we only knew one or two divorced couples. Unfortunately this is all new ground to me.

But we separated 6mths ago and X moved into a rental 10mins away . I'm still at the home we bought 18mths earlier .
We decided my daughter 11, should live with her - both girls and all and that that might be easier on her.
X and me didn't want formal and studies have proved that non formal , everything nice and casual , parents still getting along and doing everything they can and working together for the kids and the other parent , is by far - the happiest out come for the kids in a divorce . By far !

And so far , that's what we've been doing . I can come and go there , I can hang out with my daughter there , or pick her up and we go somewhere , any time. 
And X has been here a lot too.
We still have a few meals all together there or here .
We decided my daughter really needs one base , a real home , and so that will be there.
So apart from whenever , she basically lives there through the week and she comes out to my place on the week ends and holidays , or any other time we feel like it . 
That's how we've been doing things so far and considering the circumstances it's been working good . My daughters starting to cope better , she's also really loving our time together , here , there , where ever . And that's what it was all about !

But , truth is I fkg hate going there , being around my x's new life/world. They were my family for 18yrs only 6mths ago and what - I'm suppose to like seeing her living in her own place , with my girl, seeing someone else on the side , knowing that a/holes around when now - my daughter isn't there. It was even while she was there until I found out and blew a fuse .
Now thank God , the stupid @@@@@@ . realizes thanks to my stuff and her reading up and , talking to some experts, that's just not on. It's way too soon for D.
So now it's only whenever we're not there. 

The other thing about being there and dropping in , was so that l could share and see with my daughter , her new home now.
See her room , sit with her off to sleep sometimes. At least see her house and be a little part of it.
That was my idea , hell I couldn't even comprehend not even going into my own flesh and bloods home , how insane !

The problem is , unfortunately once I ran into om there and the other night I turned up to see my d and he was on he's way right then , to drop off firewood.
W didn't get my text in time to rearrange it and my d forgot to tell her l was coming.
Well , with everything else , like knowing they've been having coffees together on Saturday mornings since 2 weeks after destroying her family , in front of the whole town , talking to everyone , plus the house stuff , fk that , I can't handle it any more . lt makes me sick.

But it's where my own flesh and blood lives now , trouble is , lo don't think l can or maybe even should , keep doing this.
But surely that's gonna be so unfair on my beautiful girl.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

I understand completely what you are dealing with, my boyfriend of 4 years now, has been going to another state and spending several nights with his children in his EW house, often I get freaked out about it and start building things in my head because of it, it's made me less trusting and always doubting and to top it off, he often buys things for (he says his kids) but SHE states on FB that the things are for HER and seriously, is the support NOT enough? UGH!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah right . I imagine it would feel pretty weird in your situation. You wouldn't be the first person pissed off with a partner and their ex's . You do hear a lot of that actually.
But eh , they did divorce so really l doubt there'd be much goin on or they would of tried again long ago. 
Good luck with it.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

Well whether there is or isn't anything happening, my question on MY own crap end of the stick is this, WHAT the heck is the POINT of a divorce is you can continue to spend a few nights a week together? I wouldn't understand it even if I wasn't the partner to the ex husband and I have kids from a previous marriage as well, my daughter lived with my ex husband and I couldn't IMAGINE setting foot in the house much less a slumber party(persay) not even to save face for the child. I suppose you will put up with what you can tolerate, but this , in MY life, is too much and has pushed several wrong buttons in my "love life" but good luck to those of you who can and WILL stand for it


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Just to add . You see this was our idea from day one , especially mine.
I just got home from x's , seeing my daughter just now.
We had a ball as we always do playing and talking. Thing is I was too exhausted after work to take her out somewhere and it's freezing anyway but I really needed to see her . Quick text , bingo, next minute we're together again.
I mean it can double your time together and it's so much easier on your kids.
Like we're the parents yet we're the morons that dump our kids into our own crazy bs but they have to spend the rest of "their" childhood living 2 lives at once house hopping.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

did you also plan from the beginning never to have another partner?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Like we're the parents yet we're the morons that dump our kids into our own crazy bs but they have to spend the rest of "their" childhood living 2 lives at once house hopping.


This is exactly right, WH. It's so hard on you to have to be in that house, but you have to do whatever you can to make it not so hard on your little girl. She loves you and wants to spend some time with you in what is now her home & you love her, so you keep doing it. It's not easy, but it is what it is. And perhaps it's hard for your W to be in her old house. Given her personality, she probably wouldn't tell you if that were true.

Anyway, I think you should continue to power through for your daughter's sake.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

not.a.fool said:


> did you also plan from the beginning never to have another partner?



Nope not at that stage , enough to worry about.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This is exactly right, WH. It's so hard on you to have to be in that house, but you have to do whatever you can to make it not so hard on your little girl. She loves you and wants to spend some time with you in what is now her home & you love her, so you keep doing it. It's not easy, but it is what it is. And perhaps it's hard for your W to be in her old house. Given her personality, she probably wouldn't tell you if that were true.
> 
> Anyway, I think you should continue to power through for your daughter's sake.



Thanks Dame , it meas a lot.
And the thing is , yes l could stop going there but l'm just not sure how that could work and it would take a lot time and spontaneity out of what we can have together this way. That's why to date l've sucked it up so far and wondering how others work it. 
But the other big thing is , how the hell do l explain to an 11 yr old that l don't want to go near her new home . What would that be saying to her ?

W does keep om of the scene there now but from what l can tell there are still a few drop ins. The other night my phone was playing up but apparently she did text me to ask if l could come a bit later - at least that's something !


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

I would take my eleven year old happily to a new home before I would play second fiddler and try to explain to my daughter that is normal for 2 men to tag team a mom


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

not.a.fool said:


> I would take my eleven year old happily to a new home before I would play second fiddler and try to explain to my daughter that is normal for 2 men to tag team a mom


So would I . But I'm not tag teaming mum , mums nothing to do with me she just lives there. She'll even go out while I'm there if I rather.
I'm there for my daughter , full stop !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

not.a.fool said:


> Well whether there is or isn't anything happening, my question on MY own crap end of the stick is this, WHAT the heck is the POINT of a divorce is you can continue to spend a few nights a week together? I wouldn't understand it even if I wasn't the partner to the ex husband and I have kids from a previous marriage as well, my daughter lived with my ex husband and I couldn't IMAGINE setting foot in the house much less a slumber party(persay) not even to save face for the child. I suppose you will put up with what you can tolerate, but this , in MY life, is too much and has pushed several wrong buttons in my "love life" but good luck to those of you who can and WILL stand for it



So how did you see your kids then btw , how did you work it ?
What did you tell them about never going into their home ?

ps. Another idea originally of dropping in there at least a bit , was l want to know how my girl is living .
And I tell you what it's damn lucky I did. Because I never dreamed x would be stupid enough to have the om around my d at this early stage . X did say that it was only strictly as friends and nothing had ever gone on around d but none the less.
If l never found that out it would still be going on , x being in the twilight zone she's in right now.


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