# What's next after great sex?



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Now my husband and me had improved our sexual life. My marriage isn't sexless anymore and there's no issue to be resolved in daily life, my marriage is peaceful and smooth again and I'm kinda getting bored. 
What's the next step after sexual life came alive?
We've found back our connection in bed and had the greatest sex ever. What's the next target? I feel something is missing but I don't really know what...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Are you missing the thrill, the exhilaration, that faster heartbeat when you get close?
Start dating your husband.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> Are you missing the thrill, the exhilaration, that faster heartbeat when you get close?
> Start dating your husband.


You know what? I think you're right!
I don't feel my heartbeating speed up when my husband approaches.
I still remember in the past, when I got sms/emails from the OM, my heartbeat would speed up double. It also speed up when chatting online with him. I was enraptured! 
That's something very special that I can't find back from my husband.
I think he would feel the same.
I could make him feel peace love and joy together with some orgasms but couldn't give him any thrill as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is it another impossible mission? Anyone who is able to maintain that kind of hearbeating fast feelings & excitements in marriage?
I need some inspiration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Is it another impossible mission? Anyone who is able to maintain that kind of hearbeating fast feelings & excitements in marriage?
> I need some inspiration.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After the wife and I almost split up, we were both looking for that thrill, the excitement we got from our affairs.
I started sending her love letters and acting like she was my girlfriend when we were out in public. We made dates and went out. A lot of times, we'd fool around a little at the movies as if we had no other place to go. Any place we found private, we'd grope for a few minutes.
Now when we're together, we always touch. I work offshore for a month at a time and there are always 6 or 7 cards in my pack for the duration. I leave her a bunch of cards at home, too.

When I see her, my heart speeds up, I get a big grin on my face and sometimes I feel flush. She says that the same thing happens to her.

The best part is, the feeling and attitude are infectious. Start it, he will get a little, yours will grow, etc, etc.

Good Luck!!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> After the wife and I almost split up, we were both looking for that thrill, the excitement we got from our affairs.
> I started sending her love letters and acting like she was my girlfriend when we were out in public. We made dates and went out. A lot of times, we'd fool around a little at the movies as if we had no other place to go. Any place we found private, we'd grope for a few minutes.
> Now when we're together, we always touch. I work offshore for a month at a time and there are always 6 or 7 cards in my pack for the duration. I leave her a bunch of cards at home, too.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much! After I read your message, I decided to put your dating idea into action.

Last night when we're watching TV together, during the commecial, I said to him, "You know what? I think you should date me..."

"Huh?" He didn't get it why we're married we should date.

Then I explained a bit & gave him an idea that I'd love to be dated as if we just met.... 

He laughed & sensed this idea could be fun & said, "OK. I will date you. " 

It's a bit weird for me to ask him to date me?:scratchhead::rofl:
Not sure if he would really date me though...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Have him approach you as if you never met and try to pick you up.. role play! 

You can also role play in MANY ways.... have hime come over as the repair guy to fix something... 

Its not easy and not normal actually to be able to always retain that initial high which occurs in the first couple years. you need to be inventive!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

We were naughty bf & gf when we just met. It's hard to find something new instead of not to copy what we had done in the past.
Especially my husband and me are always very close, we always hand in hand when we're walking on the streets.
I don't mean peaceful love is terrible. It's just hard to feel shy so the feeling of heartbeating fast and butterflies in the stomach are not there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

So I just realised that why my EA was able to last 3 years without even knowing the OM in real.
We're just chatting online for 2 years. We stopped chatting but I had a hard to to let go of him.
The exciting feelings of heartbeating flush has gone in my marriage. 
I have found that feeling back from the OM.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

63Vino said:


> Have him approach you as if you never met and try to pick you up.. role play!
> 
> You can also role play in MANY ways.... have hime come over as the repair guy to fix something...
> 
> Its not easy and not normal actually to be able to always retain that initial high which occurs in the first couple years. you need to be inventive!!


How did you do the role play game?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

What I do is I communicate with her daily about the need for both of us in trying to invest time and thinking in how to make our relationship exciting. Sex is a very and important way to keep the exiting in the relationship - there has to be, however, an understanding that sometimes is passive but sometimes need to be exiting - that is, recording a few sessions on video, for example, or trying something new...doing it in the bathroom one leg up the other down while looking yourself in the mirror. Also, is important to understand that both need to give the other emotional intimacy on a daily basis. I told my wife a great French kiss when the kids are away, is a great way to get you warm inside....that words of love are also welcome. What I am trying to say is that there is no one answer in how to keep the relationship exciting and the physical and emotional connexion strong, is a everyday job since no other couple is the same. Some people like facials, I don't...defenetly, help with the thrilling that you both are able to talk about everything relationship....I told my wife the we need to talk every months about our sex life and relationship in general. You know, being able to communicate is a two way street and in a relationship where one is extrovert and the other introvert, is better find and agree about talking on what's important to feel alive and in love....keep it up but talk to your husband about what he thinks of everything available to you to keep the relationship exciting...I even told my wife that I hope someday she feels comfortable and exciting to massage my prostate while giving me a BJ...she just laughed but did not show any signs of eowww....what tells me that is only about patients and time to experience all a beautiful marriage can give you...and don't forget to work on those things that make you mad or feeling disappointed because is not good to not show your partner that you are also doing your best to meet them in the middle...marriage is about comprimising and growing together....good luck:smthumbup:


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Now my husband and me had improved our sexual life. My marriage isn't sexless anymore and there's no issue to be resolved in daily life, my marriage is peaceful and smooth again and I'm kinda getting bored.
> What's the next step after sexual life came alive?
> We've found back our connection in bed and had the greatest sex ever. What's the next target? I feel something is missing but I don't really know what...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



How long have you been married? Do you see this as something that could lead to division in your marriage, or are you just curious as to how to spice things up? From my experience, if things are good in the bedroom, guys are usually happy. If you are lacking, be sure you truly get his attention and let him know.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks marco, it seems I'm the one who cares about communication. My husband doesn't undertand there are lots of work to maintain the beauty and excitement in marriage. Everything seems fine and he's not active in taking care of the relationship. When I said, "we need to communicate," he would think, "I have a problem to complain to him." how can I make him more active in communication?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

southbound said:


> How long have you been married? Do you see this as something that could lead to division in your marriage, or are you just curious as to how to spice things up? From my experience, if things are good in the bedroom, guys are usually happy. If you are lacking, be sure you truly get his attention and let him know.


Been together 8 years, and married 6 years.
My marriage has just come back on right track. It was sexless. Now sex is much more regular, Twice a week or more.
Sex has been great and we tried new things as well.
Just don't feel any butterflies in the stomach but duty & work to keep sex alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> Thanks marco, it seems I'm the one who cares about communication. My husband doesn't undertand there are lots of work to maintain the beauty and excitement in marriage. Everything seems fine and he's not active in taking care of the relationship. When I said, "we need to communicate," he would think, "I have a problem to complain to him." how can I make him more active in communication?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still don't know if this is a general rule of thumb, but explaining why you feel something really helps. Same in my relationship. My girlfriend didn't like to talk, but after continuing to basically telling her which stuff I like and telling her why I would like her to talk to me as well, she eventually started talking.

Men are especially sensitive to being "manipulated" like this it seems. They understand reason and logic. Saying that he never talks is nagging. Telling how it makes you feel that YOU don't converse often makes them think and understand why you actually want to talk. 

But like I said before, this is something I noticed from girls and gals around me. It might be a coincidence.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for your response, Dragun!
My husband is willing to "cooperate" whenever I give him a new or playful idea to try out in bed; however, sometimes I wish he could be more playful and initiative.
I feel bored if I always need to tell him what to do to achieve great sex for both of us. I hope I could enjoy receiving a surprise, once in a while from him, but he's not giving any surprise.
So if I stop making efforts, sex will quickly go back to the routine, you know, same foreplay, same position, same boring... I don't mean boring is terrible, because I still can get orgasms from a sexual routine, but I can't feel totally excited.
How do I tell him to be more playful and initiative?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Do a striptease for him and tell him that he has 3 days to return the favor.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Now my husband and me had improved our sexual life. My marriage isn't sexless anymore and there's no issue to be resolved in daily life, my marriage is peaceful and smooth again and I'm kinda getting bored.
> What's the next step after sexual life came alive?
> We've found back our connection in bed and had the greatest sex ever. What's the next target? I feel something is missing but I don't really know what...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful what you wish for.

I would be extremely satisfied if my sex life got back on track. I wouldn't even be worried about anything else.

Don't go looking for trouble, it just might find you!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Thanks for your response, Dragun!
> My husband is willing to "cooperate" whenever I give him a new or playful idea to try out in bed; however, sometimes I wish he could be more playful and initiative.
> I feel bored if I always need to tell him what to do to achieve great sex for both of us. I hope I could enjoy receiving a surprise, once in a while from him, but he's not giving any surprise.
> So if I stop making efforts, sex will quickly go back to the routine, you know, same foreplay, same position, same boring... I don't mean boring is terrible, because I still can get orgasms from a sexual routine, but I can't feel totally excited.
> ...



Toys, whips, chains, leather, dildo's, movies, blindfolds, tit clips, and on and on. Incorporate those, try a few at first, if hubby is shy, and see what he/you enjoy.

I have a trove of treasure that we use when I can get him going and I'm not shy and will try anything once and then more than once if I/we like it.

As we've aged we have branched out into areas that would make my mama blush and where I never thought I would tread.

H***, hang from the ceiling if you have too - you might be surprised what actually DOES turn you on if you try it, we were.


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

I love this thread...thanks mslonely!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> Thanks for your response, Dragun!
> So if I stop making efforts, sex will quickly go back to the routine, you know, same foreplay, same position, same boring... I don't mean boring is terrible, because I still can get orgasms from a sexual routine, but I can't feel totally excited.
> How do I tell him to be more playful and initiative?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, I keep learning more and more from this forum. Thank you for this. 

I would not know how to pique a man's curiosity, as I've always been someone who experimented (even before meeting my girl) and she has always been supportive and now likes to try new stuff as well. I hope more experienced people could chime in on this. I'm not sure, but it seems the stuff you suggest just doesn't connect with him. All I can come up with is to find out if he has any fantasies he might not have told you (you know, the kobolds/more embarrassing stuff). Then do it. It might just blow his mind in a way he fancies and jumpstart his curiosity. If my gal does any of the stuff I would never dare ask of her, I feel that I have to repay her somehow. Like I said, I really hope you get more responses, as I would like to know as well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Men like what they consider "naughty." 

Dress up like Britney Spears in "hit me baby, one more time," men like the schoolgirl fantasy.

Dress up like a cop and arrest him for bad behavior. I once did this while wearing a wig so I didn't even look like me.

Do a strip tease for him, masturbate in front of him and he isn't allowed to touch or comment, just watch.

Put a blindfold on him, cuff his hands and ankles and make him just lay there while you do things to him he can't see or doesn't know what's coming next and he can't touch or reciprocate until you say so. Use fruit, whip cream, chocolate pudding, a strap on (that will definitely surprise him).

Whisper fantasies in his ear, with a low voice - tell him what you want, what you're going to do to him, ask him to tell you what he wants, what his fantasies are. I've found in the throes of passion you can usually find out things they won't tell you otherwise - I've heard some really wild fantasies and have used them in future sexual situations to stimulate. 

Google it, there are tons of websites out there about fantasies and setting up your spouse for the kill (in bed). They can help out a lot.

Be willing to stretch your boundaries and go where you haven't gone before - you just might find out that you are both freaks!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Thanks for your response, Dragun!
> My husband is willing to "cooperate" whenever I give him a new or playful idea to try out in bed; however, sometimes I wish he could be more playful and initiative.
> I feel bored if I always need to tell him what to do to achieve great sex for both of us. I hope I could enjoy receiving a surprise, once in a while from him, but he's not giving any surprise.
> So if I stop making efforts, sex will quickly go back to the routine, you know, same foreplay, same position, same boring... I don't mean boring is terrible, because I still can get orgasms from a sexual routine, but I can't feel totally excited.
> ...


My husband has the imagination of a brick wall - nothing!

So I find I have to start things up, I have an imagination big enough for the both of us. 

My husband, like yours, will cooperate once its started (of course when he's in the mood), but rarely comes up with ideas on his own. I come up with the ideas, I make him participate.

Its not about tit for tat, show him what you want, get what you want - who cares if you had to come up with the idea instead of him, once you get into it, I don't think anyone is keeping score.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> Anyone who is able to maintain that kind of hearbeating fast feelings & excitements in marriage?
> I need some inspiration.


 Me & my husband have this. Maybe even a little more _NOW_ than we did when we 1st married! Not that my heart starts pounding, butterflies & all, but I do find myself "lighting up inside" anticipating his walking through that door every day after work, knowing he is about to wrap his arms around me. I live for his days off. When he is near, He lavishs me with touchy attention (and I him), whether we be sitting on our swing outside just talking/laughing/reminesing, laying under a tree to relax, watching a movie together, even eating out, I will tease him with my hand under the table or my leg. These things do wonders for our spirits & connection to each other. I am more verbally flirty than him, but I know he eats this up, he loves feeling "desired" by me. He tells me I can never go overboard here. 

I kinda went out of my way to Rekindle & HEAT things up. 

It all started when I made a Movie Maker video of just me & him - from our teens until now & all our life inbetween - With our favorite Love songs. I went to play this thing back & just sat there & balled, wondering where the time went. Tears of happiness, Tears of regret for not paying enough attention to what has been right in front of me all these years. A Flood of emotions really. Turned me to mush. I just wanted to go and Love on him & never let go. I highly recommend doing this, it will undoubtably unleash something beautiful inside of you FOR YOUR SPOUSE. 

I even took the time, scanned a bunch of pics for a friend, made one for her & her husband, she told me HE cried when she played it back- & they were going through some rough times. It brought them a little closer during that time anyway. A little jumpstart. 

I planned a very Romantic Vacation -just the 2 of us (had our own heart shaped pool in our room, mirrors on the ceiling), I filled my ipod with Love songs & brought speakers so this played lighty in the background 24/7 - this was tremendous for atmosphere in the place we was staying. 

We started going out to eat more alone, talking nature walks, like dating again, grabbing a movie -with wandering hands in the darkness, riding bikes, we felt like young teens in the Old classic Tommy James Song "I think we're alone now" (just trying to steal time away from the kids!). 

And of coarse, all this extra touching & flirting added to alot more Love Making. Seems the more orgasms he gave me, the more devoted & head over heels I felt. I was literally LUSTING after my husband. I didn't want it to stop. So I kept building on it. 

I bought many books to learn now Positions, gained skills in other ways that have truly heightened my husband's pleasures -that he has been missing for many years. We got into some "Erotic massage", buying oils, bought flavored lubes for fun, always renting Romantic movies & other HOT videos to arouse, bought a sex game "Discover Your Lover" , this added some new ideas & memorable moments to look back upon. Started cooking breakfast for him in Lingerie on his days off after kids got on the bus. We flimed each other on vacation, had a few erotic photo sessions. 

Oh so very many things you can do !! Spicing it up, if you are both game & want these things, this will surely bring the PASSION on & back in full swing.  We thought about picking up a sex swing, but never got to that! Ha Ha Just trying something different, something new, these will forever be memories to look back upon.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> So if I stop making efforts, sex will quickly go back to the routine, you know, same foreplay, same position, same boring... I don't mean boring is terrible, because I still can get orgasms from a sexual routine, but I can't feel totally excited.
> How do I tell him to be more playful and initiative?


Does he go along with your creativity? Does he show enthusiam? I have to say, if I did not come up with the stuff I just talked about in my last post, things with us would be Hum Drum, same old, same old. It does not take much to please my husband. It takes more to please ME . I have 
more fantasies, seek more variety, pretty much I am the "erotic brains" of the outfit. 

So long as your man is thankful for that, what you bring & express and Happy to go for the ride. It is one thing I personally had to give up on -him being the more aggressive & creative.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Be careful what you wish for.
> 
> I would be extremely satisfied if my sex life got back on track. I wouldn't even be worried about anything else.
> 
> Don't go looking for trouble, it just might find you!



I agree with this. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Don't settle, but be sure your desire for more isn't asking for too much. Take a good look inside yourself and be sure you aren't more satisfied than you may realize.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Put a blindfold on him, cuff his hands and ankles and make him just lay there while you do things to him he can't see or doesn't know what's coming next and he can't touch or reciprocate until you say so. Use fruit, whip cream, chocolate pudding, a *strap on (that will definitely surprise him).*


Or scare him sh-tless. Oh and no leather straps!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Toys, blindfold & being tied up, erotic massage, watching adult videos, going out with short skirt without panties & tease, dressed up sexy to kill & striptease, having fun in the car, visiting adult shows & gay sex show & puxxy talent show...etc & etc. 

All those things have been done in the past. (They're mostly my ideas)

Recently, my husband enjoys being washed like a baby in the shower room & then receiving erotic oil massage with a great blow job. Oh yeah, he wouldn't mind if I also gave him striptease to begin with... whatever, then we will have a good foreplay & then 69... 

Once again, they're all my ideas, he's the one to enjoy and cooperate...

So the issue is:

Even sex is great, but after doing same thing more than 3 times, I got bored.

I'm the one who always need to think about how to spice up the sexual life, googling for new ideas to keep sexual life active... 

After some times, I already feel lazy before I think.

The problem is, I can't get lazy for too long, because if I don't make constant effort, sex will go back to the dumbest routine.

Oh yeah, I asked him to date me. The dating never happens yet.
If I need to wish him to take initiatives, I have to wait forever.

The biggest problem is, I can't feel any butterflies in my stomach.

Not to justify my misbehaviors having an EA. I only needed to chat to the OM, there're already butterflies whenever I saw him go online! I don't need to do so much work to earn that butterflies in my stomach.

Sex could be great with some orgasms, but the butterflies are missing in my marriage.

The weried thing is love brings me peace & joy, I don't mean it terrible, but where have the butterflies gone? 

So I have 2 questions:

How do I make my husband understand that he should also be initiative?

How do I find back the butterflies after living, seeing, sleeping with the same person for many years?

(I can't feel very excited when seeing him naked, I believe he feels the same.)


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@DanF
My husband can't strip, instead of being turned on, he would make me laugh out loud if he tries; however, I would love to have a good laugh in bed once in a while.

@MarriedWifeInLove

Just to have enough sex, isn't enough for nourishing marriage. 

Now I also believe, having great sex isn't enough to feel fulfilled.

I need to feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever my husband approaches.

I need to feel totally excited with a faster heartbeat whenever he undresses me.

Only by that, maximum sexual satisfaction can be achieved & I must achieve it with my husband since I can't achieve it with someone else.

Great sex isn't enough because after 3 times, it becomes a routine as well.

@ mrsromance

Thank you! Please tell me what you think. I need more inspiration & input!

@Draguna,

I have to tell you that you're right again! 

My husband doesn't really share his fantasies with me. I'm not sure if he has non or few.

I asked him many times, but he just said he didn't really know and he's not thinking about sex.

He's happy to cooperate with my fantasies, no sweat for him!

@MarriedWifeInLove,

Do you have any idea how to make my husband google it? 

I already googled it too often & I'd love my husband to take turns to google & take care of the sexual life.

SimplyAmorous,
Thank you very much for your response, very good sharing. I totally understand when one spouse has an more erotic brain but when the other doesn't have any brain, the one who has the brain would suffer. LOL

@southbounce
I believe being active to take care of marriage is a good thing because if I don't do, my husband wouldn't do.
But your views have valid points, so I'm going to take a break & get lazy for a while.

@RandomDude,
Yes, my husband would be scared sh-tless if I serve him with a strap-on and blindfold him....lol


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm getting confused. I'd like my husband to pay attention to our marriage, making it exciting and beautiful as least once in a while but he's not showing me any surprise. Somehow he's all passive just waiting to see if I could come up with something awesome to surprise him, which is getting lame, and it's becoming a routine, a task, for me. If I always need to find new ideas to surprise him and tell him what to do, it turns me off.
If I have contributed 10, I couldn't even get 1 in return.
How can I ever find butterflies back from him.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mslonely, 

I try not to make you feel bad. 

You husband works and provides you a nice life of leisure. Don't forget, he has to work, he has to fight with people in the world( I mean he has work stress), he has to exhaust his brain dealing with the competition. 

Now you as a understanding wife, it is OK for you to think up sex ideas and have fun, he will appreciate you more. View that your job, view that your reward for your husband's hard work.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi GP, 
I've been taking it as my job for so long and he's the one to relax & enjoy. The thing is when sex is a job, it gets boring because it feels like a trade-off for my being thankful. 
I'm still a woman and I can't forever take initiatives in bed. I also like to feel chased and surprised once in a while.
I think there're many men out there working hard for bringing home the bacon when their wives stay at home.
Of course I wouldn't die if I could never find back the butterflies from my husband. My marriage is peaceful same but just less exciting and energetic.
But what does that mean? I'm married to only 1 man. When I have an emotional need, who else I can turn to? Do I need to turn to the OM again?
Now I figure out the butterflies are missing in my marriage. Don't you think I should find that passion back? Can I find back that magic feeling looking at a passive man's face everyday?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

No, Mslonely, no, not turning to a different man for pleasure. It is only going to make you feel worse about your life! 

Boredom might be what you are experiencing now. 

Find a hobby, find something else to do instead of thinking about sex all the time. 

Listen to music, watch a comedy, chat with people on line, read books.....................

No persona's life is perfect, we have this, we don't have that. We have that, we don't have this.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm not going to live a marriage that is sexless again or passionless.
I have this and I also can have that.
If I don't have that, and that is a critical element to make my marriage stand strong, I will fight for that.
My husband pays lots of attention to his work and his stuffs and he used to be ignorant to my sexual needs. He also ignored his.

Now the sexless issue is resolved but the emotional part still requires some work. Not just me. I believe he has same problem of boredom in bed but he has no energy to take care of it, leaving it there to get rotten.
A flower must have both sunshine and water. Only water or sunshine isn't enough. I'm the flower. When I have water but no sunshine, I must fight for sunshine or I will die... In fact, I haven't said a word to communicate with my husband, yet, because I know he's tired. Now he also wants to study, he will be restless for the next 2 years for his master degree. This issue should be resolved now or never.
I will find a chance to speak to him tomorrow night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Good fighting spirit, I like it!!!

Yes, keep on communicating with him!

He will benefit from it too! 

I don't know why he needs another degree, if he is making good money, why not live the way you are now? 

People spend a lot of time studying, make more money, so what!!! Delaying time to enjoy life!!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I supported him to pursue his dreams, which includes studies. I have a master degree myself, but I'm a stay home mom. Kinda wasted. Sometimes it's not for earning more money but to grow our knowledge. Going back to school is always the quickest way to get exposed to knowledge. Education is always the best investment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If the man wants to make more money, support him! LOL when he's free at home, he's not there looking at stars, talking about love with me but watching his favorite italian Tv on the internet or on youtube! I don't have a romantic lover at home anyway. Never mind now he wants to switch his attention from Tv programs to books.
We only have sex during the weekends. It's our agreement.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

@MsLonely

Well, I think everybody has fantasies. My gf is the one with the pants on in our relationship, always said no fantasies, well, turns out she likes to be dominated (which I completely did not expect, being that she never takes anyone's ****) and she did not know that. It might just be like this with your husband, he just does not know.

That said, like others said, you might have to be content with taking the initiative for now till you condition him. Is he sleeping enough by the way? The way you describe him, he might not get enough sleep as well as being overworked. Either way, like you said, keep on talking.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Tell him what your OM gave you. Nothing gets a guy up and running like a little jealousy.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@Dragun
He's more tired during the weekdays but not overworked, which allows him to find time to study. It's the traffic and driving time made him exhausted. Sleeping time is ok. To get more energy, he needs to lose some weights by doing regular exercise.
When he comes home from work, he wants to relax watching Tv or do his own stuffs with computer, which is normal I guess. So our agreement is NOT to have fun on the weekdays unless I really need sex, he will respect and provide me some pity sex before sleep. (I somehow prefer to musterbate than to have pity sex. Not very enjoyable to have sex with a sleepy person.)
About his fantasies, petty much like your gf, so he doesn't really have and not thinking about them.
Taking initiatives, pfff, after many years, it's getting lame, to be honest with you. It's my work and routine. I feel it's better I musterbate and finish this headache.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

couple said:


> Tell him what your OM gave you. Nothing gets a guy up and running like a little jealousy.


Heh, true that  I believe I read somewhere that nothing gets a man more aroused than competition, and nothing says more competition than a threesome with 2 guys.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MsLonely, start doing things together, sex is overrated. Try holidays too.



> Tell him what your OM gave you. Nothing gets a guy up and running like a little jealousy.


Aye, jealousy is a wondrous tool. Just don't go too far with it. I wish the missus would give me some competition really, but now she's taken this 'good girl' stance, probably because due to insecurity nowadays she can't handle the game played back. Pity really.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I understand jealousy can make him feel I'm more challenging. It's not a long term strategy though. The sexual life in my marriage has just come alive so it doesn't worth the risk at this moment. Who wants to play with jealousy to maintain the heat of passion in marriage? It's like to make some damages and see if your spouse would repair them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I need to feel the butterflies in the stomach, the heartbeating fast and chemistry!
Without that kind of magic feelings, I don't feel fulfilled by my husband.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Later when he's back from studies. He said he's going to date me.
I can't expect too much surprise from him although I did request a surprise. I guess, he would probably bring me to a movie with a meal in the restaurant. Those things are another dating routines. I guess he wouldn't plan anything new...
I already feel bored in advance to have such date with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I have no idea why you are married. You are addicted to the first stages of a love affair where chemicals are flooding your brain.

Better that you leave him and take on a series of lovers until over time you are alone and realizing what a monstrous mistake you have made regarding these butterflies you seek.

I am positive that this om who clouds your judgment will fade from your interest once you are 100% available.

I feel sad for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Later when he's back from studies. He said he's going to date me.
> I can't expect too much surprise from him although I did request a surprise. I guess, he would probably bring me to a movie with a meal in the restaurant. Those things are another dating routines. I guess he wouldn't plan anything new...
> I already feel bored in advance to have such date with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he won't chase you, then you chase him! Pick him up from work or school, wherever he goes, and take HIM out.

I would be very, very careful using the OM as a motivator. That is something that should be talked about in a serious, sit down conversation.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> I have no idea why you are married. You are addicted to the first stages of a love affair where chemicals are flooding your brain.
> 
> Better that you leave him and take on a series of lovers until over time you are alone and realizing what a monstrous mistake you have made regarding these butterflies you seek.
> 
> ...


What's wrong if I want to find back the butterflies from my husband? I don't want that butterflies from the OM that's why I need advice to find back from my husband.
What's wrong if I want to be with my husband like in first stage of romance?
I don't care about the OM. Just used him as an example when talking about the chemistry flooding in my brains.
I need that chemistry with my husband!
I'm married to him. If I have an emotional need, I should figure out a way to get my need fulfilled by my husband but why you adviced me to leave my husband?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> If he won't chase you, then you chase him! Pick him up from work or school, wherever he goes, and take HIM out.
> 
> I would be very, very careful using the OM as a motivator. That is something that should be talked about in a serious, sit down conversation.


My husband doesn't understand why married couples need to take care of not only family but also passion. He doesn't know why maintaining a good emotional connection and chemistry with each other is very important.
Without those magic feelings, marriage life gets boring and stale. This is not for any marriage to be targeted because marriage shouldn't go to the passive direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MsLonely said:


> What's wrong if I want to find back the butterflies from my husband? I don't want that butterflies from the OM that's why I need advice to find back from my husband.
> What's wrong if I want to be with my husband like in first stage of romance?
> I don't care about the OM. Just used him as an example when talking about the chemistry flooding in my brains.
> I need that chemistry with my husband!
> I'm married to him. If I have an emotional need, I should figure out a way to get my need fulfilled by my husband but why you adviced me to leave my husband?


Your reactions to your OM have everything to do with what you perceive as lacking with your husband.

Read up on the stages of love, effects of brain chemistry over time during a relationship.

I'm not suggesting you live a passionless life, btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Why can't married couple regain the first stage of romance when the heart pounds fast? Why can't married couple find back that chemistry in the brains again? 
Why must married couple live in a marriage that is getting boring?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> Your reactions to your OM have everything to do with what you perceive as lacking with your husband.
> 
> Read up on the stages of love, effects of brain chemistry over time during a relationship.
> 
> ...


When it's lacking it means it's lacking.
My target is to make sure it doesn't lack in my marriage. When it lacks, it's passionless. 
I can't live without water and wish I don't feel thirsty and lying to myself, "It's ok to survive without water."
It's not ok. It's terrible to sustain the desires for water which my husband isn't giving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I don't care about the stage of love and effect of brains.
Passion & chemistry are also important to be kept alive no matter how many years being married.
When they're gone, you have to find them back. As simple as that. 
I have read up many misconceptions about the stages stuffs and basically reading those boring studies can't make my marriage more beautiful, exciting or romantic. It's not theory, a must belief, the only rule.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course, ignore anything that doesnt line up with what you feel.

That's the primary thing in decisionmaking.

Or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> I'm married to only 1 man. When I have an emotional need, who else I can turn to? Do I need to turn to the OM again?
> Now I figure out the butterflies are missing in my marriage. Don't you think I should find that passion back? Can I find back that magic feeling looking at a passive man's face everyday?


 I have found that Passive is OK so long as you feel LOVED, cared for, even if you find yourself the more creative, more initiative, this is workable -IF you FEEL he wants/desires to be there with you in these moments. Some enthusiam. 

Without this, I can easily understand your struggle, hurt and what you are trying to convey deeply in this thread. I would find these things crushing & getting very old if I felt my partner was just "going along" to keep the peace, or satisfy me alone- but his head is elsewhere. Some of us NEED this emotional response of the other, even a little LUSTY selfishness on their part, this is what passion is made of. 

* How is HIS feelings on all of these things *?
* Is he passionate about OTHER things in his life ?
DO you feel 2nd best, put on the back burner, taken for granted?*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MsLonely take a romantic holiday, and yes sex is overrated for the same reason you're feeling the way you are now. Break routine, just get away from the daily grind for a while, find each other again. To be honest everytime the missus and I disappeared from the grind and traveled together overseas we ended up crazy in love each time. Our holidays this year however has been postponed. 

Date each other if you want, just do things together, have your fond memories, and keep adding to the memories. The more you do together, and the more you two overcome as a couple, the stronger you will be. It's long past since the butterfly feelings for the missus and I. It's become more then that, I can't see myself without her nor can she.

We fight, we argue, we tear each other apart only to mend each other back up again, we love everything which we hate about each other which we love - which makes absolutely no sense. I may complain about her whines, stubbornness, demanding ways, manipulative, spending sprees, etc etc, but I'm not going anywhere. We recently split up for just 4 days and that was enough to make 2 strong individuals soft as jelly.

There's more to love then just the initial stages of farting out love-hearts.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> Of course, ignore anything that doesnt line up with what you feel.
> 
> That's the primary thing in decisionmaking.
> 
> ...


Ignore what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MsLonely I have to agree with Michzz on this:


> You are addicted to the first stages of a love affair where chemicals are flooding your brain.... Read up on the stages of love, effects of brain chemistry over time during a relationship. I'm not suggesting you live a passionless life, btw.


I don't know your circumstances but I'm getting the impression you two managed to miss out on everything past the initial butterflies. Start over and start doing things together, build up your relationship.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> MsLonely I have to agree with Michzz on this:
> 
> 
> I don't know your circumstances but I'm getting the impression you two managed to miss out on everything past the initial butterflies. Start over and start doing things together, build up your relationship.


Thanks randomdude, I will work on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> If he won't chase you, then you chase him! Pick him up from work or school, wherever he goes, and take HIM out.
> 
> I would be very, very careful using the OM as a motivator. That is something that should be talked about in a serious, sit down conversation.


He will cooperate if I tell him to chase me.
I don't want to take more initiatives. It's his turn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Another word of caution too actually, in regards to using jealousy, don't use the OM. Use someone else, and regardless it's a game that should only be played among relatively secure couples.

There's two unspoken messages sent to your lover while playing the jealousy game, or flirting with others, or simply having others attracted to you:
- You're lucky to have me
- You'd better come claim me before...

The first one is harmless and only beneficial, the second one is very powerful, for better or worse, and if you two aren't strong, it could definitely break yas up if the game is taken too far or played too often. 

The more secure a couple, the more it gravitates towards the first one.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have found that Passive is OK so long as you feel LOVED, cared for, even if you find yourself the more creative, more initiative, this is workable -IF you FEEL he wants/desires to be there with you in these moments. Some enthusiam.
> 
> Without this, I can easily understand your struggle, hurt and what you are trying to convey deeply in this thread. I would find these things crushing & getting very old if I felt my partner was just "going along" to keep the peace, or satisfy me alone- but his head is elsewhere. Some of us NEED this emotional response of the other, even a little LUSTY selfishness on their part, this is what passion is made of.
> 
> ...


He's bored. He needs some inputs as well. I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> He's bored. He needs some inputs as well. I guess.


Do you mean he is Bored, or He IS boring? I was getting the impression You was the only one that was feeling "bored" and maybe he was just perfectly content with all that you bring to the relationship. But that contentment of his is driving you nuts-as I think you are an Erotic Lover , always seeking something new & exciting, and he is very much not this way. 


So he wants more Ommpphhh too but does little on his end to entice, tease , please & spice? From all you have said, I think you have tried almost everything. 

When you start feeling this way, do you openly show him your displeasure- how is your attitude in his presence? If if feels you are displeased & bored with him, it may dampen his spirits & cause him to try even less. Just a thought.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ms lonely im totally feeling ur pain. my sex life is fine. almost great. we just dont nurture the other parts of each other. not doing or saying those things to fill each others love basket and it feels like having sex and raising kids with a roommate and not a romantic partner.

i swear marriage is one of the only things people expect you to work at and on despite the diminishing returns. we should be able to have the option to re-up every five years and option out with no hard feelings.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MsLonely said:


> Ignore what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reread my previous comment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Men like what they consider "naughty."
> 
> Dress up like Britney Spears in "hit me baby, one more time," men like the schoolgirl fantasy.
> 
> ...



Wow! I would have loved to do this stuff with my ex-wife. She did cuff me a few times but it was like pulling teeth. If I had mentioned most of this stuff, she would have had me in real cuffs being led out to be locked up!:rofl:


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

This is where you are:


michzz said:


> You are addicted to the first stages of a love affair where chemicals are flooding your brain.


and this is where you need to be:


RandomDude said:


> It's long past since the butterfly feelings for the missus and I. It's become more then that, I can't see myself without her nor can she.
> 
> ...
> 
> There's more to love then just the initial stages of farting out love-hearts.


I have to agree with RandomDude, the relationship stalled somewhere. It is physically impossible to keep butterflies going for many years. However, seeing your partner in a new light might rekindle it. Happens to us every once in a while. I cannot say where your problems lie exactly, but you will need to talk about it, go on a vacation like others suggested etc.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

michzz said:


> Reread my previous comment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not very inspiring.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

janesmith said:


> ms lonely im totally feeling ur pain. my sex life is fine. almost great. we just dont nurture the other parts of each other. not doing or saying those things to fill each others love basket and it feels like having sex and raising kids with a roommate and not a romantic partner.
> 
> i swear marriage is one of the only things people expect you to work at and on despite the diminishing returns. we should be able to have the option to re-up every five years and option out with no hard feelings.


Thanks for your input & I totally agree with you!


Just to have great sex isn't enough to fulfill the emotional needs.

Being a romatic spouse for each other is also very important in a marriage.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

After married, we pay lots of attention to many things but not the romantic feelings with the spouse. Finding back butterflies is not easy but workable.

Last night, my husband dated me for a cup of coffee & small chat. He waited me downstairs when I was doing the makeup and dressing myself up for the date as if I were his new gf.

We recreated the scense of being gf and bf, and we had a role play, pretending we just met. The magic feelings came back as soon the alcohole started its effect.
So my new discovery is, alcohol helps finding back the butterflies. LOL
The married couple really needs this extra stimulation- alcohol to push chemistry to generate.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dating the spouse is really a good idea. It helps balancing family life & romance after married.
It's very rewarding for a married couple to date each other, spending quality time "alone" at least once a week. Thanks to DanF who provided me the dating idea.
My husband also felt refreshed. Now he plans to date me at least once a week.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

It's depressing when we realize we just can't have it all.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Another word of caution too actually, in regards to using jealousy, don't use the OM. Use someone else, and regardless it's a game that should only be played among relatively secure couples.
> 
> There's two unspoken messages sent to your lover while playing the jealousy game, or flirting with others, or simply having others attracted to you:
> - You're lucky to have me
> ...


Playing the safe jealousy game can be fun.
I'm not very sure how to bring it on without upseting my husband though...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Playing the safe jealousy game can be fun.
> I'm not very sure how to bring it on without upseting my husband though...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know what I am doing is helpful! 

I just keep on reminding my husband: Hey, you are a lucky man, you have a woman a lot of men want!  But you are the only man I want! ( I think I lose the game)


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

LOL! Your husband knows he's a lucky man already! You can make him more jealous, but nice try!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Dating the spouse is really a good idea. It helps balancing family life & romance after married.
> It's very rewarding for a married couple to date each other, spending quality time "alone" at least once a week. Thanks to DanF who provided me the dating idea.
> My husband also felt refreshed. Now he plans to date me at least once a week.


You are very welcome. I am happy for you that it is working. I also date, court, try to swoon, and am totally infatuated with my wife. She feels the same about me.
It is fun, the exhilaration is back, I have butterflies when I first see her after a month offshore, I get the shakes the first time we make love after I get home.
It's great!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

DanF said:


> You are very welcome. I am happy for you that it is working. I also date, court, try to swoon, and am totally infatuated with my wife. She feels the same about me.
> It is fun, the exhilaration is back, I have butterflies when I first see her after a month offshore, I get the shakes the first time we make love after I get home.
> It's great!


Many ppl will need your help here! You and your wife had gone through a very difficult time to arrive today, so it's not easy. It's wonderful, falling in love with each other madly and truely all over again.
Only the spouse like you, who are willing to give, share, work, take initiatives to cherish the love you & she have can achieve this stage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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