# I guess I screwed up



## Bayou

Wife been back for two years now after leaving me and having an affair , still no sex , but see improvement between us , just yesterday I was busted talking to another woman , just friends , I talk to her about my marriage , I am not attracted to her in any way , explained to my wife there is nothing going on, she said I am cheating ,and I am not this is bull**** , I told her I was wrong for seeking help form another woman and I am sorry, but I think this is the end for us.
I really have nothing going in between me and this woman , I called her with my wife to verify there is nothing going on, 
I told my wife there is no other woman in my life but her, and its true, After all the work I done to try to make it with my wife , this bull**** is going to take me down, she looked at my phone call log and there were a lot of calls to other woman , it did not look good , I dont know what to do next, please help


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## mablenc

So did your wife leave you and had an affair? Or you had one and she left you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore

yeah dude I alkso don't understand this, she leaves you, she has an affair, and you are the one who have to prove yourself loyal, devoted and change?


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## Married but Happy

She had an affair and you're apologizing? Grow a pair and divorce her.


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## Thor

It sounds to me as if she is looking for either an excuse to divorce you or she is looking to transfer some guilt onto you. Either way it seems out of line to me.


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## the guy

manticore said:


> yeah dude I alkso don't understand this, she leaves you, she has an affair, and you are the one who have to prove yourself loyal, devoted and change?


What he said.

Ya not very helpful, but your not getting laid so whats in it for the both of you?

I mean how unhappy can two people make each other? 

Its seems real clear to me that you still can't communicate with your old lady....I mean why can't you and your old lady meet each others needs?

Your talking to some other chick, your old lady isn't putting out, , this marriage is stained with infidelity, and yet you want more help to save something that maybe isn't worth saving?

Again....why can't you and your old lady meet each others needs??????????????????????

Answer this question and then maybe you can get some advise!


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## Catherine602

You are working hard and you are not even having sex?? Where do you get the mental energy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho

From reading some of your other earlier posts it has sounded like she only came back because the grass wasn’t greener. She hasn’t put forth any effort into trying to repair the marriage.

She has been back home for 2 years but it has never sounded like the two of you havent even begun R. Only the two of you together can fix this, while getting an outside perspective at times helps but she appears to just be looking for reasons to fight or keep you at bay. You appear to have allowed the blameshifting for a long time, she will utilitize that until you don’t allow her to.


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## Bayou

Wow , yall have some good answers!
For the questions that were asked,
So did your wife leave you and had an affair? she had the affair before she left me 2 years ago , and he ended up dumping her.

Your right ,she is trying to dump some guilt on me and its working ,I told her I was sorry , it was wrong , and I would stop contact with my female friend.

Sex , I dont know what the hell is going on , I am going crazy , I told her I have not been with anyone in two years , and thats the truth , we had a lot of sex in the past. ( a man needs sex for connection)

I feel like I am the only one working on a relationship, she said thats bull****, and she was too. but I just dont see it , 

I was working on getting the connection before this **** happened , we were doing things with out the kids , and having a good time.


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## GusPolinski

Let's look at the scorecard...

1. She had an affair and left you
2. She came back, but only after OM dumped her
3. She's not having sex w/ you

Yeah, you screwed up... _by not divorcing her_.

Seriously, man... you opened another thread w/ this post about a year-and-a-half ago...



Bayou said:


> My wife and I been married for 21 years, 2 children 12 & 19,
> had a great marriage up until the last 2 years of our marriage. Things went down hill due to finical stress that I put on her, *she eventually grew apart for me and said (I love you but not in love with you)* and sleeked relief from an old high scool boyfriend found on facebook, needless to say they had an affair, she moved out and I filed for divorce. after being separated we really could not stay apart from each other, after 6 months she moved back in to see if we could make things work out, *she been back for 3 months now and we still have not had sex*, this is driving me crazy, *she said she does not want sex and only did it before just for me*, Just the other day *I seen some messages from her BF and that’s all they talk about is sex*, I am beginning to think *I am being used just to pay the bills and keep a roof over her head, I ask her to make love to me and she says I need to get it some from somebody else*. To me that just doesn’t seem to be trying to work things out.


So... She tells you to get your sex from someone else but has a problem w/ you talking to another woman about your marital issues...?

Divorce. Her.


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## the guy

Maybe she is at it again and just projecting?


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## honcho

She got dumped, she has probably never emotionally let go of the OM. This is also why you aren't having sex. 

She will continue to make you guilty so you don't hold her accountable and it has worked for 2 years now.

She says she is working on the relationship but you don't see it. This is the same person who is using guilt to avoid working on the relationship. Quit listening and start looking for actions.

Doing things with the kids, having a good time do not necessarily mean you were working on the relationship and I notice you said "I" was working on the connection, not WE. 

She isn't and you cant work on it alone. She sounds more like she is buying time till something better comes along or the kids get older. 



Bayou said:


> Wow , yall have some good answers!
> For the questions that were asked,
> So did your wife leave you and had an affair? she had the affair before she left me 2 years ago , and he ended up dumping her.
> 
> Your right ,she is trying to dump some guilt on me and its working ,I told her I was sorry , it was wrong , and I would stop contact with my female friend.
> 
> Sex , I dont know what the hell is going on , I am going crazy , I told her I have not been with anyone in two years , and thats the truth , we had a lot of sex in the past. ( a man needs sex for connection)
> 
> I feel like I am the only one working on a relationship, she said thats bull****, and she was too. but I just dont see it ,
> 
> I was working on getting the connection before this **** happened , we were doing things with out the kids , and having a good time.


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## richie33

Do you really need advice on this? She cheats, guy dumps her, you take her back and you haven't had sex in two years. That's not a marriage, that's roommates.


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## GusPolinski

richie33 said:


> Do you really need advice on this? She cheats, guy dumps her, you take her back and you haven't had sex in two years. That's not a marriage, that's roommates.


If OP's WW isn't working to pay her fair share of any bills, then this is far, far worse than a "roommates" situation.


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## Tall Average Guy

I agree that you screwed up.

I just don't think it is in the way that you think you screwed up.


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## bandit.45

Yeah it was a dumb thing to do. But your R is false anyways and your wife is stonewalling you about the sex. She only came back to you because she got dumped and had nowhere else to go. You are her plan B, soft landing cushion, safety net, doormat, but not her lover....and you never will be again. 

Write this marriage off and go see a lawyer.


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## Openminded

No sex? Not surprising. You were her Plan B and a Plan B often doesn't get sex when the cheater returns because the cheater isn't actually connected. 

She's now your roommate. So tell your roommate to fix it.


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## SamuraiJack

Openminded said:


> No sex? Not surprising. You were her Plan B and a Plan B often doesn't get sex when the cheater returns because the cheater isn't actually connected.
> 
> She's now your roommate. So tell your roommate to fix it.


Not even roomates! 
I have slept with a lot of my female roomates!

I joke, I joke. Sorta.

OP, you are truly not back together. 
Time to pull the trigger.


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## FisharnEked

Hey dude, Im just maybe a step ahead of you... I just started trying "the 180" I didnt do it to be a D1ck, I did it to keep myself from acting like a little B10ch and trying to beg/plead with her.

You just cant change other people... So change you... Read back through all your posts and look at how pathetic you sound...Thats what I did, and I saw in my case how much of a sucker I have been. I can actually see my attitude change through my posts as I started realizing who was really at fault...

Just 180 dood, just do it


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## Bayou

Thanks for all the input , I know I sound pathetic, but a divorce would be very hard, separating my girls will kill me more than living with my cold wife ,and selling my big fine house that I worked so hard for , I have been a doormat for too long, I am going to try the 180 until I figure where my life is going and what to do, I feel that time is ticking , I am 52 , in good shape and not bad looking she is 42 and is also aging , but has a jump on me with the age. 
I still can’t believe this is happing to me , my brother thinks I am insane for trying again and again , everyone thanks I am insane. 
I did try the 180 in the past , but could not resist her, I am going to stick with it this time.


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## Bayou

FisharnEked said:


> Hey dude, Im just maybe a step ahead of you... I just started trying "the 180" I didnt do it to be a D1ck, I did it to keep myself from acting like a little B10ch and trying to beg/plead with her.
> 
> You just cant change other people... So change you... Read back through all your posts and look at how pathetic you sound...Thats what I did, and I saw in my case how much of a sucker I have been. I can actually see my attitude change through my posts as I started realizing who was really at fault...
> 
> Just 180 dood, just do it


How long have you been going through this? How long with the 180? any progress?


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## Thor

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover? It would probably help you a lot. Also, visit the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .


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## Bayou

Thor said:


> Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover? It would probably help you a lot. Also, visit the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .




Yes i have maby I shoud read it again


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## GusPolinski

Bayou said:


> Thanks for all the input , I know I sound pathetic, but a divorce would be very hard, separating my girls will kill me more than living with my cold wife ,and selling my big fine house that I worked so hard for , I have been a doormat for too long, I am going to try the 180 until I figure where my life is going and what to do, I feel that time is ticking , I am 52 , in good shape and not bad looking she is 42 and is also aging , but has a jump on me with the age.
> I still can’t believe this is happing to me , my brother thinks I am insane for trying again and again , everyone thanks I am insane.
> *I did try the 180 in the past , but could not resist her*, I am going to stick with it this time.


What's to resist... all the affection and sex that you're not getting?!?

:scratchhead:


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## honcho

You’ve given the standard excuses and none of them justify staying in a bad marriage. You need to face this problem, not excuse it. Your one daughter is an adult, and in a few short years the other will be too. The two of you have shown them how a bad marriage works.

Lose the house, maybe, the rest of your life in misery to keep a nice house? Odds are once your minor daughter is an adult your wife will file then anyway and your going to lose it.

You are and have been delaying the inevitable. You have proven one thing to yourself that your course the last two years has gotten you nowhere. Its not working. She knows you aren’t going anywhere, she holds on the chips in her head. 

You’ve lived this too long and it’s the way of life for you now and it doesn’t have to be that way. See a lawyer and start taking steps to get your life back


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## Jasel

Damn this is one of those threads that actually has me shaking my head as I read it. Dude. GET. A. DIVORCE.


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## Bayou

I know i am insane, but I realy love my wive and family I would like to make one more go of trying to save my marriage, I just finished no more mr nice guy and it described me to a tee, I may just be dammaged goods , I dont know, I worked so hard for the last two years and hate to throw it away, I was so close to reconnecting the trust was coming back, untill I got busted , I have started the 180 , but its tough, I love , loving on my wive and kissing her, I know I am insane, but its just the way it is .


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## bandit.45

Well...

If you want to continue living with someone who has no respect for you then that's your decision. Good luck with that. See how far you get.


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## Ripper




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## honcho

Yes you are damaged goods, she has damaged you and she is damaging you each and every day. You weren’t close to getting the connection back anymore than I am going to win the lottery. 

You can repair yourself and instead of focusing on the hard work the last two years spend the next two fixing yourself and then see how much you want this woman. You wont. The only lesson you could possibly learn from your hard work these last two years is it didn’t work. 

Until you FINALLY realize and admit it to yourself you will get nowhere


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## Tall Average Guy

Bayou said:


> I know i am insane, but I realy love my wive and family I would like to make one more go of trying to save my marriage, I just finished no more mr nice guy and it described me to a tee, I may just be dammaged goods , I dont know, I worked so hard for the last two years and hate to throw it away, I was so close to reconnecting the trust was coming back, untill I got busted , I have started the 180 , but its tough, I love , loving on my wive and kissing her, I know I am insane, but its just the way it is .


What are you teaching your daughters? They see what is going on and learn about marriage from you.


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## ArmyofJuan

Bayou said:


> I was busted talking to another woman , just friends , I talk to her about my marriage , I am not attracted to her in any way , explained to my wife there is nothing going on, she said I am cheating ,and I am not this is bull**** , I told her I was wrong for seeking help form another woman and I am sorry, but I think this is the end for us.


It is INAPPROPRIATE for a married person to discuss relationship problems with someone of the opposite sex. That's how affairs get started (that's how my W started her's). The other person may get the impression or feel like they need to "save" you or believe you are implying the door is open for an affair.

Slippery slope.

It sounds like the screw up you made was taking your W back in the first place. She is just going to keep you around until something better comes along.


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