# Am I The Problem?



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

So my husband has recently started getting into Twitch(that's a streaming webcast while playing video games)

I'm trying to figure out if I have done something wrong for him not wanting to spend some time with me. Every time I bring it up he tells me he will and then be doesn't. We haven't even been married a year yet and I'm thinking that our sex life is nonexistent.

A few of my friends tell me to talk to him and every time I try he tells me," you knew what you were marrying into." I know I was marrying a gamer but before we got married we were constantly having sex. Now we aren't. Feels like he is getting it elsewhere. He has bad trust issues and he first like any of my girlfriends so I feel like I jab no one. Did I put myself in this situation? How can I tell to him? How do I start a conversation knowing in my head that I'm not happy. I'm so lost. Please help.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

BumbleBee0130 said:


> So my husband has recently started getting into Twitch(that's a streaming webcast while playing video games)
> 
> I'm trying to figure out if I have done something wrong for him not wanting to spend some time with me. Every time I bring it up he tells me he will and then be doesn't. We haven't even been married a year yet and I'm thinking that our sex life is nonexistent.
> 
> A few of my friends tell me to talk to him and every time I try he tells me," you knew what you were marrying into." I know I was marrying a gamer but before we got married we were constantly having sex. Now we aren't. Feels like he is getting it elsewhere. He has bad trust issues and he first like any of my girlfriends so I feel like I jab no one. Did I put myself in this situation? How can I tell to him? How do I start a conversation knowing in my head that I'm not happy. I'm so lost. Please help.


Ex gamer here married to another gamer for 8 years. I grew up and parts of him didn't. We divorced for other reasons but in the end I was replaced by a computer. 

Gaming can become an addiction like any other and needs to be treated as such. It can't be healed by you, it needs to be addressed by him. You can, however, assert some boundaries and carry through. He'll likely tune out anything you say, so you'll have to take action. 

How many hours is he gaming per week? 

How much time do you two spend together as a couple? 

Who pays the fios bill?


----------



## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Satya said:


> Gaming can become an addiction like any other and needs to be treated as such. It can't be healed by you, it needs to be addressed by him.


I agree. Breaking an addiction is hard and only the one who has it can make that happen. He has to fully feel that he wants to stop playing so much and spend more time doing other things. 

It isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I used to be a hardcore raider in a high end WoW guild that raided 2-3 nights a week. In addition, I was farming mats for raid needs,leveling up alts and also raiding with those. All in all, I'd say I played Wow about 30+ hours a week, minimum. 

I'd wake up, get the kids off to school, game, do some housework, game, "cook" dinner, game, go to bed, rinse and repeat. DH felt neglected and so did the kids. DH finally literally unplugged my machine mid raid and said "If you do not stop playing this game, I'm either going to cheat on you or leave you. I don't like the idea of either one, but I can't live like this anymore." He was dead calm and dead serious.

When I realized it was either the gaming or my marriage, I stopped gaming.

Your DH needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that continuing to put the gaming above the marriage will result in a divorce. If there's no change, follow through with a separation and divorce.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You've only been married a year. This was a mistake. He married you for convenience. Move out and see if he changes. But get ready to divorce.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

He said you knew what you were getting into, maybe you did maybe you didn't. 

But you DO know what you need to get out of.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

Satya said:


> Ex gamer here married to another gamer for 8 years. I grew up and parts of him didn't. We divorced for other reasons but in the end I was replaced by a computer.
> 
> Gaming can become an addiction like any other and needs to be treated as such. It can't be healed by you, it needs to be addressed by him. You can, however, assert some boundaries and carry through. He'll likely tune out anything you say, so you'll have to take action.
> 
> ...


Well all of our bills are split between the both of us.. Sometimes it's more him then me since I am not working.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

header said:


> He said you knew what you were getting into, maybe you did maybe you didn't.
> 
> But you DO know what you need to get out of.


I'm torn right now... I really just want to be able to talk to him try to figure things out. It seems like gaming is his escape and I'm over here with no escape to wind down. Does that make sense?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Maybe when you tell him you are Done, and mean it, he will wake up and realize what a doofus he is. 

No excuse saying 'you know what you're getting into. When you get maried,
the GAME's gotta change. You are'nt just living for your self any more.

no one put a gun to his head I'm assuming.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Maybe when you tell him you are Done, and mean it, he will wake up and realize what a doofus he is.
> 
> No excuse saying 'you know what you're getting into. When you get maried,
> the GAME's gotta change. You are'nt just living for your self any more.
> ...


No, no one put a gun to his head he willingly married me. We have had the video game conversation before and it gets better but then it starts over again...
Like he just started on twitch and wants to do something like that full time and make money off it. I don't get it he has a wife and kid(step daughter) and yet he decides to play. I want him to get our priorities straight before he goes off and does stuff like this..


----------



## Bam-bam (Sep 24, 2015)

BumbleBee0130 said:


> So my husband has recently started getting into Twitch(that's a streaming webcast while playing video games)
> 
> I'm trying to figure out if I have done something wrong for him not wanting to spend some time with me. Every time I bring it up he tells me he will and then be doesn't. We haven't even been married a year yet and I'm thinking that our sex life is nonexistent.
> 
> A few of my friends tell me to talk to him and every time I try he tells me," you knew what you were marrying into." I know I was marrying a gamer but before we got married we were constantly having sex. Now we aren't. Feels like he is getting it elsewhere. He has bad trust issues and he first like any of my girlfriends so I feel like I jab no one. Did I put myself in this situation? How can I tell to him? How do I start a conversation knowing in my head that I'm not happy. I'm so lost. Please help.


How much time does he spend gaming? 
How much time does he spend with you?
How would you like those amounts of time be split up if it were completely up to you?

I used to be a casual gamer but I eventually lost interest as the years went on. I kind of can't stand video games anymore. Thats just my story though. Its going to be hard for him to maintain a home, family, and wife if he spends a ton of time gaming. The same is true for any outside interest, really. So he's going to eventually have to choose which is more important.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

To answer your question, no, you aren't the problem. Some people are just too immature to be married, and it sounds like that describes your husband.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When women tell men 'I want to talk to you,' men usually quit listening. What they WILL listen to is you saying 'I'm done.'


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> When women tell men 'I want to talk to you,' men usually quit listening. What they WILL listen to is you saying 'I'm done.'


Yep, OP you will need to put your foot down and be fully prepared to leave him if he makes promises he can't keep. 

There's nothing wrong with a healthy amount of gaming, but life passes you by when you're online constantly. 

There used to be a great site for people who were "detoxing" from WOW, but it applied to any game. It was an anonymous place to vent, and MOST posts were just heartbreaking, men and women regretful about what they lost due to their habits... Wives, husbands, whole families torn apart, cheating, leaving wives/husbands for OM/OW living and gaming in another state. I'm disappointed the site doesn't exist anymore, its discovery is why I call myself an EX gamer. 

Just to put things into perspective, when I was between jobs I'd play for about 35 hours a week. When working 8 hour days, I played about 20 and this kept decreasing the older I got. Now, more than 5 years after being divorced, the last time I played anything on the pc was about 6 months ago, for an hour. I jumped on the PS3 for 30 minutes about 2 months ago. I work 55+ hours a week and am in grad school. My fun comes from doing things with my SO, and he's not a gamer (a quality that was a "must have" for me when dating).

I prefer things the way they are and I don't miss my old life one bit. I missed so much while gaming. Despite being in the same ROOM and sometimes playing the same GAME, my ex and I couldn't have been more disconnected. I didn't feel like a WIFE because I didn't feel I had a HUSBAND, I had a guy who preferred to keep me awake until 5am with sounds of gunfire rather than cuddle me in bed before I had to get up for work. He worked too, at home, so his self designed hours only benefited what HE wanted, not what was good for our relationship. 

My life is incredibly busy now, more enriched and fulfilled by things that matter, with an infinitely more suitable man, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

He plays before work while watching someone stream. He plays till he has to go to work which can be from 2pm-4pm. He works and gets home about 10pm and then he plays again. He just recently started streaming and he streams from 11pm-2am. I guess it also semi started when his best friend moved out of state. But that's an excuse.
So he puts in a lot of hours playing them. Dont get me wrong I do play a bit of the ps3 but I'm mainly into reading. He always wanting me to hangout while he plays but I get bored watching. Sure it was cute when we were dating and I would call asleep across his lap but we are married now. Every time I bring up the playing video game conversation his argument is that I knew what I was getting into. 
He doesn't give me any attention anymore and as much as I wanna look for someone to talk to to give me that attention and affection I'm not a cheater.
Maybe Satya is right. Maybe the only way he will listen is if I tell him I'm done. 
But I really don't know how to do it. I can stand up for myself but I hate confrontation lol.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

BumbleBee0130 said:


> He plays before work while watching someone stream. He plays till he has to go to work which can be from 2pm-4pm. He works and gets home about 10pm and then he plays again. He just recently started streaming and he streams from 11pm-2am. I guess it also semi started when his best friend moved out of state. But that's an excuse.
> So he puts in a lot of hours playing them. Dont get me wrong I do play a bit of the ps3 but I'm mainly into reading. He always wanting me to hangout while he plays but I get bored watching. Sure it was cute when we were dating and I would call asleep across his lap but we are married now. Every time I bring up the playing video game conversation his argument is that I knew what I was getting into.
> He doesn't give me any attention anymore and as much as I wanna look for someone to talk to to give me that attention and affection I'm not a cheater.
> Maybe Satya is right. Maybe the only way he will listen is if I tell him I'm done.
> But I really don't know how to do it. I can stand up for myself but I hate confrontation lol.


I used to hate confrontation too, but I've learned that avoiding it absolutely ensures that I will never get anything that I want or that matters to me. Now I have zero fear of confrontation when I feel it's warranted. 

The fear of confrontation lessens the more you do it. Just be clear and do not let him change the subject. Stay on target and be factual. If he stonewalls you, the time for talk is over and it's time for action. You knew what he was like, but that life of his changed the moment he married you. If he can't meet that change, it's fine, but you can no longer be married to him if that's the case. YOU did not intend to be in a marriage like this, so you must be confident to say what you want, then see if he will meet it. 

Have some ballz, woman!


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

Satya said:


> BumbleBee0130 said:
> 
> 
> > He plays before work while watching someone stream. He plays till he has to go to work which can be from 2pm-4pm. He works and gets home about 10pm and then he plays again. He just recently started streaming and he streams from 11pm-2am. I guess it also semi started when his best friend moved out of state. But that's an excuse.
> ...


Lol that's one hell of a pep talk woman lol.. Touché. He's playing games right now. He is off tomorrow. Maybe I'll lay down the law then lol. Gonna attempt to get me some tonight. If it doesn't happen it'll be fuel to the fire and it'll help more because a sexless marriage isn't gonna fly with me lol


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't lay down the law. He'll just say no. Instead, start getting ready to move. Look at apartments. Look at furniture rental. Whatever. And let him see you doing it. This is called boundaries/consequences, which is what a therapist will tell you what to do. You inform him of your boundary - I expect you to actually pay attention to me; I'm not your cook/maid/hooker; if you don't start caring about me and putting down the game, I'll have to protect myself - and of your consequence - I won't stick around if things don't change.

It's stating what you deserve and what you'll do if it doesn't happen. But then you have to follow through. Let him see you looking at new places; not that you're moving out right now, but that you're seeing how much it would cost and what it would take for you to do it.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I read one time that many cases men will be available to their girlfriends, committed to the chase but in their minds the goal is made once they sign the papers and then they think you have to accept them as is. My husband did this, once the I dos were said our time seemed to be crowded by his love for crossword puzzles, watching TV, computer games, solitaire.....all of his personal interests. The marriage itself suffers. No matter how much we have talked and we have even had counseling my husband prefers to be in his own little world. He does not get involved with other people, not even his grown children. 

My suggestion is to seek counseling with him over this but if he wants to live his life seeking his own interests and in many cases this does happen, then you have a choice to leave or to live with it and find your own happiness and things that fulfill your life.

Is there something the two of you can do together that you both will enjoy?

Many of my friends have been married close to 30 years now and in every situation it is the woman who wants more time with their husband, the men have their own interests and those that find a joint interest it is usually the women who decides to take up the man's interest. This really is not an unusual problem with couples.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, because most men subconsciously seek a woman to replace their mother. It's almost always the mother who 'provides' for a man when he's a child. He gets all his 'domestic' needs provided by a woman. So even if he doesn't intend to do so, he's expecting to get, and comforted by getting, all those same things done by the woman. So he can just 'be.' And as long as those needs are met, he'll start to take the woman for granted. 

Aside from letting him see you move on, I suggest you also stop meeting all his domestic needs. Stop doing his laundry. If he's around, cook for two, but don't go out of your way to cook what HE wants. Don't pick up his dirty dishes, don't bring him a drink while he's playing his game, don't wash his sink in the bathroom. If he's not participating in the marriage, stop making it easy for him to do that.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> I read one time that many cases men will be available to their girlfriends, committed to the chase but in their minds the goal is made once they sign the papers and then they think you have to accept them as is. My husband did this, once the I dos were said our time seemed to be crowded by his love for crossword puzzles, watching TV, computer games, solitaire.....all of his personal interests. The marriage itself suffers. No matter how much we have talked and we have even had counseling my husband prefers to be in his own little world. He does not get involved with other people, not even his grown children.
> 
> My suggestion is to seek counseling with him over this but if he wants to live his life seeking his own interests and in many cases this does happen, then you have a choice to leave or to live with it and find your own happiness and things that fulfill your life.
> 
> ...





turnera said:


> No, because most men subconsciously seek a woman to replace their mother. It's almost always the mother who 'provides' for a man when he's a child. He gets all his 'domestic' needs provided by a woman. So even if he doesn't intend to do so, he's expecting to get, and comforted by getting, all those same things done by the woman. So he can just 'be.' And as long as those needs are met, he'll start to take the woman for granted.
> 
> Aside from letting him see you move on, I suggest you also stop meeting all his domestic needs. Stop doing his laundry. If he's around, cook for two, but don't go out of your way to cook what HE wants. Don't pick up his dirty dishes, don't bring him a drink while he's playing his game, don't wash his sink in the bathroom. If he's not participating in the marriage, stop making it easy for him to do that.


I have read that in some cases that happens. I understand that too.. After we moved in together and got married everything was okay. We would have the occasional disagreement about him playing and not giving enough attention to me. I do accept him I just wish he wouldn't fall back into old habits. Makes me feel like the history will always repeat itself. It makes me sad and really nervous because I'm not the type of person to walk away. I know i have my flaws and he doesn't accept me for them. He always throws my past in my face when I bring up something he doesn't like to hear.

I have already pretty much stopped his domestic needs. I only make food that me and my daughter want to eat. I don't bring him his plate of food anymore and he always gets his own drinks and what not. I clean what I have to. He is a damn pack rat. I wanna just go through everything and throw away what we don't need.He didn't even bother trying to "sleep" with me last night. He made me curl up in his arms because I couldn't sleep and he played with my hair and before I could even make a move to get things started he was already passed out. He makes me feel so unattractive. I wanna fall into old habits the old me but I don't. I am faithful to my husband. I swear he is just trying to test me. But maybe he's not. Maybe I just don't make him happy anymore. 

I got told on here that I am not the problem but the way he is doing this and ignoring me makes me feel like I am the problem. That I am not taking the hint on him not loving me or wanting me. I don't get it. How can a guy wanna do this to his wife? Someone he claims on loving. He tells me he gave up everything for me. When in reality I did... I have no friends. I have my daughter and my family. Maybe 2 friends. I can't blame him fully on that aspect but I should have stood my ground and not let him control that factor... One of my best friends told me I was better off with my daughters dad.. It hurts. I'm way beyond hurting right now. I just wish that things would work out. I wish he would give me the time to actually talk to him. Maybe I need to just tell him that I need space. I'll go to my moms or something and make him think about why I need it. He should know what he is doing right? I mean guys cant be that transparent. Right? Lol


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He has no reason to change.


----------



## BumbleBee0130 (Nov 12, 2015)

turnera said:


> He has no reason to change.


What do you mean he has no reason to change? I'm not asking him to change I'm just asking to tone down a little bit and appreciate his wife and step daughter


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why should he?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> No, because most men subconsciously seek a woman to replace their mother. It's almost always the mother who 'provides' for a man when he's a child. He gets all his 'domestic' needs provided by a woman. So even if he doesn't intend to do so, he's expecting to get, and comforted by getting, all those same things done by the woman. So he can just 'be.' And as long as those needs are met, he'll start to take the woman for granted.
> 
> Aside from letting him see you move on, I suggest you also stop meeting all his domestic needs. Stop doing his laundry. If he's around, cook for two, but don't go out of your way to cook what HE wants. Don't pick up his dirty dishes, don't bring him a drink while he's playing his game, don't wash his sink in the bathroom. If he's not participating in the marriage, stop making it easy for him to do that.


Good point. I've been married twice and both men had only sisters. In both families not only did mom dote on the sons but so did the sisters. Everyone piked up the slack to care for them.


----------

