# Does it ever end



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Sorry this is a little long but I need you to know the whole story. I do not sugar coat things in my favor either it doesnt help others form and opinion.
Its been a long time that I have been to this web site but unfortunetly i find myself looking for others input for this insanity.
Almost five years ago I landed here looking for help with my failing marriage. I did everything to try to save it but my exwife wanted out. We divorced without any drama split everything fairly ( At least I thought so and mediator and judge agreed).
I have a 17 year old son who seems like he is doing just fine and doing well in and out of school. My 21 year old daughter graduated last fall from college at the top of her class. 
Things seemed like everything was going ok I got along with my exwife without holding any anger ( I did find out that the reason she wanted out was a old boyfriend from high school.
My wife was allowed to stay in our home for a year with the kids before she moved out of state. Well after one year she wanted another year and I agreed ( Dummy ).
I the mean time I found a wonderful woman and we fell in love.
My life was going great, I did not force the new woman on my kids actually I kept her away for a long time so it did not look like I was showing off. We had been living together and helping each other because she too was resently divorce. We after year two I did not allow my ex to stay in the house and told her to leave at which time she was given 50% of what the house was worth at the time of the divorce which now was about 80% of what the house is worth. But what ever I am back in my house and with my son and soon to be wife. Well when my daughter graduated she moved back home with her brother, soon to be step mom and I. Things were a little cool with her for a while then she got a job at a fast food place and life went on.
Ok now for the problem
My daughter became sassy to my fiance and cold to me and became a mom to her brother. So one day I sat down with her and asked whats the problem and why are you so angry.
She told me I was not fair with her mom in the divorce. I asked what do you meam we did it with a mediator and both agreed to everything. My daughter said yes I know I read the divorce papers??????? WTF are you kidding me. What kind of parent would do that. We go to classes in our state before you can get a divorce telling us not to discuss anything about it and never try to alienate your kids from the other parent.
Well that was about six months ago and I have tried but everytime I speak to my daughter she is so negitive towards me its painful. My daughter would not go to my wedding out of town and talked my son into not going also. I had a cruise planned for next week for the four of us but not long ago she said she did not want to go. She has been telling eveyone she can about what a bad dad I am and my new wife is a terrible person ( Because she likes people to clean up after then self).
Well my daughter said something under her breath to my new wife sunday and my wife "said you can not talk to me untill you learn to not talk about me, you need to grow up."
About and hour later my daughter brought back her mom and it got very ugly between the three woman. My daughter said what do you want me to move out? The new wife said yes you should before I could say a word. I was going to ask my daughter to stay with her mom for a while to see if I could rebuild the damage without living in the same house but this happened first. So four days later my daughter has moved out and I am crushed. My daughter is not a bad person but boy she has been manipulated forsure. I wrote her a long letter ( By hand) and said I love her and always will regardless what has happened. I said I am sure you are hurt as I am too but when you are ready let me know and we can go to dinner togther just the two of us and talk about the future not the past.
I received a letter today basiclly telling me to have a good happy life.
As I said I am crushed, If she stayed here I would have been getting divorced again after two months of marriage. Is it wrong to tell a almost 22 year old that is disrespectful to me and my wife to move out? How do I accept the letter she wrote. I do not want to have any contact with her mother as she is the one that has created this mess. How do I stop the 17 year old son from getting dragged into their drama? I spoke to him right away when it happened and told him. I have never once said a negitive thing about their mother to them or have a blabbed it around town. Very few people even know about the other man she had, not sure the kids really knew.
Just let me know what I may have done wrong and how to proceed 
Thank you for your input


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think at 22 she should know that you are an adult with your own needs and deserve to be happy.

My daughter will no doubt want to read the court paperwork when she is an adult. It's public record - I can't stop her. If she wants to read the psychologist's report at that time, I will likely let her. She needs to understand her father's personality disorder to know how to deal with him and to maintain healthy boundaries.

It's OK to share FACT. Not speculation. Your wife has started this and if you don't step in with your side, your daughter will only know your wife's. In a perfect world the parents would never do this and you wouldn't have to counter. But when alienation, no matter how subtle; happens, you have no choice. Facts. No judgement calls. 

But this is about you now. I suggest you take her out for a day somewhere that she can't get away from you, won't have distractions and you two can talk. Fishing, hiking, camping, boating, swimming... whatever is normal for your family.

I'd ask her a lot of questions and listen closely. Interject with positive statements where you can and thoughtful silences where you can't. Remember if she says "I feel..." you can't counter that. She feels what she feels.

The types of questions you want to ask are the kind that will lead her to come to her own conclusions about your new wife but start at the beginning.

You: How did you feel when your mom and I divorced? 
D: awful, sad, etc.
You: Yeah, I was disappointed as well. But I understand she felt that breaking it off with her boyfriend years ago was a mistake and she wanted to try again with him. _(Again - state fact. You are not alleging adultery, or criticizing, but stating why the wheels were put into motion.)_ Do you think she made the right decision? 
D: I guess so - she seems happier/No, I wish we were all still together/It wasn't her decision, you made her leave after she decided she didn't want the old boyfriend...
You: Well, I gave her a year beyond what we originally agreed to. How long do you think I should have let her stay? 
D: As long as she wanted.
You? Do you think it would be fair for me to live in limbo, never knowing when I could return to the house, or if I should just buy one for me?
D: Yes, you should have tried?
You: Do you think I didn't try?
D: Yes.
You: What did I do that makes you think I gave up?
D: You married new wife.
You: Do you think once you love someone you love them forever even if they aren't sure if they love you?
D: I don't know. Maybe.
You: Everyone is different. It was hard to accept your Mom didn't love me anymore but I wanted her to be happy. After a while, I just had to get over it. I mean, if my choice was to pine after your Mom for an undetermined number of years or to move forward, don't you think after a few years that moving on is healthier, emotionally than hanging on to something that may or may not work out? 
D: You could have held out longer.
You: Do you think people get closer emotionally when they are apart, or do they drift apart emotionally when they are physically separated? Like summer break from college, did you feel the same about the guy you were interested in the spring when you went back in the fall? (By now she's had some relationship experience of her own to draw from - use that.)
D: I don't know - I guess it's hard to still like someone when you never get to see them.

.... get my point? YOU LEAD HER to the conclusion that you were patient but had to move on. You lead her to understand that you couldn't put your life (including the house) on hold forever. 

It could be that she hates seeing you and a different woman in the same house she has memories of you and her mom in. I can't believe your new wife even wants that house. Personally, I wouldn't want to move into a house my new husband raised his family in with another woman. 

She just needs to see your side. Punctuate your conversations with happy memories that involve just you and the kids. Or inside jokes. Remind her that you are still the Dad she always loved and trusted. 

When you get to this point and feel things are going well, it's time to discuss the new wife. Admit you know it's hard for her to accept. If your ex has moved on with another guy, bring that into the equation.

Be sure to tell your daughter that it was NOT ok to bring her Mom over to fight her battles for her. Your daughter is grown and Mommy should not come over to lord over new wife. Not cool. I'd also address this with the ex and tell her she may not like your new wife but she made the choice to leave and you had to move on and any issues your children have with you and your new wife need to stay there. Any issues they have with your ex need to stay with her. Agree with each other that if either kid comes to you complaining about the other household you stop them immediately and say "Talk to your Dad/Mom" and shut it down.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I can tell you very plainly that I understand your heartache. The only thing that I will mention that could have been done differently would have been to address the disrespect your daughter showed your wife as soon as it happened. Why in the world did you let your ex-wife come into your home to start a fight with your current wife? Why did you not intervene in that moment and ask both your daughter and her mother to leave?

Honestly, your daughter is acting very selfish and childish. I know that her letter has hurt you deeply but allowing her to be disrespectful towards your wife will never help her relationship with you. In fact, it will undermine it. Giving her space right now is a good thing. She may come around but she may not. You have left the door open and you can continue to reach out, but you can't take away her anger. She will have to travel down that road herself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What WF said. Your problem was not addressing it early enough. By not backing your fiancé/wife, you condoned her attitude and actions. You're lucky your current wife didn't leave you then. 

Your daughter is a grown woman. You can't control what she believes or does, but you can implement boundaries on what's acceptable to you. The suggestion to reason with her is a good one, but don't apologize for your life and how you're living now. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Enjoli: Thank you for you incredible insight into my problem. My daughter has decided to pick a side with some distorted views added to her thoughts by her mom. I don't know if it was done on purpose or she unknowenly did it but she is enjoying the damage she has caused. I will not apologise for my happiness and my ability to turn my life around in a positive way.
I have had a few days for the events to settle in and I realize I have no control of how my daughter feels, when I do try to correct her thoughts she quickly has a answer for them all. If will not give up on her she knows I am here for her if she needs me. She knows I love her and will continue to tell her so when she will listen. I will not allow the disresepct to happen ever again. But life does go on. Since she has left the feeling in the house has changed dramiticly even her 17 yr old brother seems to be at ease knowing there won't be a blow up at ant time.
My new wife is a wonderful woman who only wanted a friendly relationship with my daughter and never stopped trying till the end but is was my daughters decision not to.
I know I am not the first person to be in this situation, My own sister took a simular stance with my dad and his signifigant other for almost 40 years and now has just decided now to be friendly to my adopted mom.
I also agree with you all that I messed up by no setting rules early and when things started to act up I did not stop it. After the first talk I had with my daughter I was so hurt by her new found feelings I did not know how to tackle the problem. We had an issue about her cooking in the kitchen and leaving a mess multiple times 
the end result was that she no longer could cook in the kitchen. Well all anyone knows is we just won't let her cook in the kitchen not the rest of it. I guess ultimately I was afraid to tackle the problem because I knew the end result before it happened.

Thank you all for your input I think you all helped me realize my lack of action added to the problem but you have given me so direction that I can follow


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If your D was 16, I'd tell you to listen to her and try to work it out. She's 22. She's making 'adult' decisions. That's her choice. YOUR job right now is protecting your current family, and that includes your wife. Obviously your D is turning out to be like her mom, very common. What you CAN do is show her respect as long as she's respecting you two; if not, she should be invited to leave, just like any other disrespectful adult. SHOW her in actions that you are honorable and she'll eventually figure it out. No matter what, do NOT throw your wife under the bus to 'get' your D back.


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