# Girlfriends past



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.

Not so fast.

Evidently she was pretty wild during her teens and early 20’s.

A friend of mine seen me talking to her and later told me about driving her home from a bar years ago, and went into detail about having sex with her.
Come to find out, there’s 8 different guys who I know that have slept with her.

Now I can’t go any farther with her. We haven’t had sex and I doubt we will.

I’ve got to end it with her, should I tell her why ? 
I can’t get past it all. 
Last thing I want is a woman that half my friends have already had.

Am I being irrational or unrealistic.

I don’t look at her the same now. But, before she was the highlight of my life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For you?
Yes, you cannot have her....for yourself.

Unless you move where your hide and her behind have never been exposed to the general public.
Solution...you hide.

Moral:

Do not poop in your own backyard.
Do not take every nearby man down to earth, to task.

On this:

Your past is your present. It never leaves your sight.
Never leaves your 'sight' in other' peoples knowing eyes.

First impressions: A lusty woman, a passionate women, a wanton women.
Fun to hook, catch and release.

A shame this.
Note: this shame is external, not within the norm.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You’re right to end it quickly before you have sex with her and become emotionally and physically connected to her. Sounds like you like her too much to have sex a few times just for the experience with her then walk away so just don’t. As you’ve already figured out, sex with her is nothing special anyway, so many others have already had her.
You should not tell her why directly but maybe in a roundabout way like “it would be awkward for me to continue with you given the fact that you’ve been with so many of my friends, it just makes it awkward for me, you understand that don’t you?” Use language that is not shaming or mean, but honest and truthful so she can understand why and understand the consequence of her previous sexual activities. Maybe she will think twice about being so loose and sleeping with so many guys.
It sucks for you OP, You found a woman you are really attracted to who is damaged goods in your eyes. Hopefully you’ll find someone better, good luck!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No!

Do not tell her why.
She knows.

Every time she gets dumped.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

nevermind


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Granted this was all years ago, late 1990’s early 2000’s.
She was married for around 10 years.
Remained faithful and is a great mother to her kids.

Should I let the past be just that !


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Gr155 said:


> Granted this was all years ago, late 1990’s early 2000’s.
> She was married for around 10 years.
> Remained faithful and is a great mother to her kids.
> 
> Should I let the past be just that !


So the real question is "Who is she now?"

The other question is "Can _you _handle the past, even if she is solid today and has no other red flags?"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Granted this was all years ago, late 1990’s early 2000’s.
> She was married for around 10 years.
> Remained faithful and is a great mother to her kids.
> 
> Should I let the past be just that !


What kind of past do you have? How do you view sex in general? Is it something that is special, or is it more just a casual activity like jogging?


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

I’ve only been with 5 different women.

Was always during a relationship. Won’t do the casual hookup


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Should I let the past be just that !


Yes, No, Maybe? That answer will be a deeply personal one. Based on how you are reacting to the news, I would say to move on. It's one thing to answer the question in a general academic or philosophical sense, but it's another for you to ask it for yourself. From what you are saying here, I suspect this uncertainty will last with you during your relationship. I expect it to flare up during times of disagreement or arguments. The only way you should stay would be if you could truly forget and not care about it. You can't just pretend and hope for the best.

It can also be a minefield when dating past crushes. Over the years, you have likely created some fantasy scenarios in your head about how your relationship would be or how she would act. The reality may not play out the same way.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> I’ve only been with 5 different women.
> 
> Was always during a relationship. Won’t do the casual hookup


It is completely up to you whether you date this woman or not.In my opinion you should tell her straight away and explain that you haven’t the confidence or self esteem to be with her because you are afraid of what your friends will say.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> So the real question is "Who is she now?"
> 
> The other question is "Can _you _handle the past, even if she is solid today and has no other red flags?"


The problem is, there is no such thing as the past being the past. It is possible, even likely that she is a very different person today than she was back then, and her past sexual exploits doesn't mean she can't be a great faithful partner today. The problem is, living in the same area where many of her past partners live, where there is a high likelihood of regularly running into them, it pretty much ensures that her past will have a consistent presence in his present.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
> I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
> We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.
> 
> ...


NO why would you do that? Just end it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> The problem is, there is no such thing as the past being the past. It is possible, even likely that she is a very different person today than she was back then, and her past sexual exploits doesn't mean she can't be a great faithful partner today. The problem is, living in the same area where many of her past partners live, where there is a high likelihood of regularly running into them, it pretty much ensures that her past will have a consistent presence in his present.


Agreed. That's why I said the critical question is "can he handle the past?" It would be much easier (for most men) if they lived somewhere different from where the past took place. Only OP can say if he can endure the past when it can't be kept anonymous, and even then he may overestimate (or underestimate) his capacity to do so.

So much of this relies on an individual level of risk tolerance, and thickness of skin.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Op I would suggest you talk to her about it. Some here have made some great suggestions. I know that I am not the same person now as I was 15 years ago. Just like anything else, sex means something different to me now than it did then. She may not have felt as though it was special then, perhaps she feels it is now. As for your buddies, screw them, you shouldn't live your life trying to please anybody else. She might be the best thing to happen to you and vice versa. Why miss out on that because of your buddies? If it doesn't work out anyways, what have you lost?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Agreed. That's why I said the critical question is "can he handle the past?" It would be much easier (for most men) if they lived somewhere different from where the past took place. Only OP can say if he can endure the past when it can't be kept anonymous, and even then he may overestimate (or underestimate) his capacity to do so.


Not just his capacity, but her capacity to contain it. It is quite likely that the circles of friends from that time in her life also had a very casual attitude towards sex, not just in the act, but also in discussing it. Casual conversation, even overheard ones, "Do you remember so and so..."


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

GR155,

You wrote, *Come to find out, there’s 8 different guys who I know that have slept with her.*

If you ever run into these guys you will trigger like crazy, so you are doing the right thing by ending it. 

Be honest with her that you will never be able to overcome what you know about her. 

Unless you move far away from these guys and never communicate with them and make sure she never has contact with guys from her past either, but who wants to monitor their relationship forever. 

You dodged a bullet, thank the guy who did you this favor.

Tamat


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Never compromise your values for anyone. If her being with that many of your friends is a deal breaker then end things. If however you think about it and don't really care, then keep dating her. Just don't choose to be with her then be mad at yourself or her in the future for going against your core values. I personally don't care who/how many guys a woman has been with. I figure I'm only concerned about us and our relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

So Gr155, what is it specifically that is bothering you? Is it the casual attitude towards sex in general that she had, at least in the past? Is it the fact that you were casually informed of it in the present? If it wasn't going to be something that was in your face in the present would it be something you could deal with better?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Female here, mixed feelings. I kind of feel bad for her and think how sad to be held accountable for stupid things you did 20+ years ago, but on the other hand, she very well could be a "bad risk".

Are formerly promiscuous women more of a bad risk then formerly promiscuous men? 

I am 43, very conservative, have had sex with 2 men. Married to both. Both 13 year relationships (marriage both within a few years). 1 divorce.

I don't agree with being promiscuous, but I try not to be judgemental.

It is what it is. The question is whether you can deal with it. 


There are some females who have not married and have had alot of partners over the years, even if they are long term. 

Some women go crazy wild in their youth.


1.) If this bothers you this much now, it will bother you more later. That's not fair to her. 
2.) People do change. Some people are promiscuous in their youth and are loyal faithful partners later. 
3.) Why are her and current hubby divorced?

I would listen to the advice from men on this forum, lots of experienced men here who could give you advice from the man's point of view, men who have dated/possibly married women like that.

But in the end, I don't think you have the stomach for it. Set her free.

One more thing to add, if she has had sex with 8 men that you know, how many that you don't know of? Hmmmmnnn


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

I often hear men talking about women they had sex with in the past. It's mostly them boasting to their friends. Bull**** in other words.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your values differed (perhaps) in the past, even if they match now. I'm not sure there is a difference between short-term sexual flings and sex in a longer relationship - in both cases, there are people in your town who've had sex with you, and with her. Should someone dating you be uncomfortable that you've had "so many" past partners that they might know and run into? Regardless, if you can't handle her past, then don't date her, as it would not be good for either of you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> One more thing to add, if she has had sex with 8 men that you know, how many that you don't know of? Hmmmmnnn


It's none of his business. 

The only reason he knows what he knows is because of braggadocio and gossip.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Robbie1234 said:


> I often hear men talking about women they had sex with in the past. It's mostly them boasting to their friends. Bull**** in other words.


I think this differs among different social groups. My core group of friends don't really talk about things like that, nor do we even talk about hot celebrities, or anything like that. Come to think of it, we really don't spend much time talking about women at all.

That said, I think most of the time, the issue isn't with a partners past per se. It's the fact that they are having to deal with it in the present. Even if their partner doesn't spend any time dwelling on it, they are not able to control what other people say and do, and the broader the past, and the more people who know about it, the more likely it is to be a current subject. Especially if people from the past do not realize that the person has changed and is a different person today.

In my case, I have been with three women. One is dead, one is my ex-wife, and the third is my current wife. Since I have never had a group of friends where we regaled each other of our exploits, my past is extremely unlikely to ever be an unintentional topic of conversation.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you asked her about her past? You know, the source of information? Or do you only have second hand knowledge?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP you’re going to get advice from some people who will remind you that people change and that you should be a grown up and leave the past in the past. I’d bet those same people wouldn’t want to date a man or woman who had slept with 8 people they know. This is your life. You know it disgusts you. Don’t go further with her, she is who she is, without passing judgement but just as a matter of fact, she slept with 8 guys that you know and it grosses you out to be with her so leave her.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

minimalME said:


> It's none of his business.
> 
> The only reason he knows what he knows is because of braggadocio and gossip.


You can't unring a bell. It doesn't seem as if he went looking for this information, but now that it is out there, it is going to have to be dealt with. It does seem as if he has a different background, and has approached sex in a different way than his girlfriend has. Neither is better or worse than the other, but they are very different, and her past is something that he will have to hear about if he chooses to stay in this relationship.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

JayDee7 said:


> I’d bet those same people wouldn’t want to date a man or woman who had slept with 8 people they know.


Meh. The only thing I care about is a clean STD panel.

Whether it's one person or more, I'd don't want to hear about it. Don't want to hear about the ex-wife or the last girlfriend. For me, it adds nothing to the relationship, and it becomes a distraction. 

Personally, I prefer to focus on the present, which the majority seem to have a difficult enough time with.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> You can't unring a bell. It doesn't seem as if he went looking for this information, but now that it is out there, it is going to have to be dealt with. It does seem as if he has a different background, and has approached sex in a different way than his girlfriend has. Neither is better or worse than the other, but they are very different, and her past is something that he will have to hear about if he chooses to stay in this relationship.


That's true and unfortunate. 

I'd probably move.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

All of us have our own beliefs, values, standards, moral codes etc etc and if something turns you off and taints your view of someone - then it is what it is and you really can't force yourself to feel differently. 

It's not fair to either one of you to try to have a relationship with someone you feel disdain for. 

If she thought you were a creep, no one would give a second thought to her not wanting to develop a relationship. So why is this any different???

However there is absolutely NO benefit or any reason whatsoever to explain yourself. If you do not wish to continue dating her, that is your perogative just like it would be in any other situation.

But this is your issue and your hang up. Therebis absolutely no reason to burden her with it. It's not like she can change anything that happened 20 years ago and it's not like she can do anything that would change your beliefs and values.

This is your issue. It's in your right to date or not date whoever you want and you can choose not to date for whatever reason you want. 

But you don't have the right to put her down or point fingers at her for your issue.

This is truly a "it's not you, it's me" situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The reason we date in the first place is to spend time getting to know someone to determine if we want to be with them or not.

You've gotten to know more about her.

And now you know.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Meh. The only thing I care about is a clean STD panel.
> 
> *Whether it's one person or more, I'd don't want to hear about it. Don't want to hear about the ex-wife or the last girlfriend. For me, it adds nothing to the relationship, and it becomes a distraction.
> *
> Personally, I prefer to focus on the present, which the majority seem to have a difficult enough time with.


And herin lies the problem. A person can only control themselves. They can't control the words and actions of those around them. IF a person has a broad past that many people are aware of, especially if those people are still present in their lives, this will be a topic of conversation. No way to avoid it. Other people will say things, especially if talking about past sexual exploits was a routine part of the group.

My wife has a very extensive past. I did not proactively ask one question about it, yet through conversations I have heard others having, my wife having, I know way more than I ever had any desire to know, and none of it was volunteered directly to me from my wife. She didn't feel as if it was something important to tell me all about, and I agree with her, because I had no desire to hear all about it. The problem wasn't her talking too much, it was everyone else around us.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
You need to ask yourself if you can be completely accepting of her past, never hold it against her and love and desire her. 

If the answer is "NO", and I think that is the case for you, then break up politely - you are not in a committed relationship, you can end it for absolutely any reason you want. You don't need to tell her, just say that you've realized that you really are not ready for a relationship now and that you don't think you are likely long term compatible.


Let her find someone who will love her and never view her past negatively and never hold it against her. If I were dating, a woman's past would not matter to me in the slightest. After 30 years of marriage I don't know how many previous partners my wife had and I've never cared enough to even ask. 

You are free to care about what matters to you - but different things matter to different people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
> I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
> We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.
> 
> ...


You dont have to tell her exactly why, just say that you don't think you are compatible. Probably kinder. Do you know if her marriage ended because of her cheating? 

No you are not being irrational or unrealistic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> All of us have our own beliefs, values, standards, moral codes etc etc and if something turns you off and taints your view of someone - then it is what it is and you really can't force yourself to feel differently.
> 
> It's not fair to either one of you to try to have a relationship with someone you feel disdain for.
> 
> ...


So the fact that she has slept around with many of his friends is HIS issue??? Its HIS hang up?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

In the medium term I would question if the GF would have told about her past, if not then it would be a very large lie by omission.

He also needs to find out why her marriage ended. 

Tamat


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> It is completely up to you whether you date this woman or not.In my opinion you should tell her straight away and explain that you haven’t the confidence or self esteem to be with her because you are afraid of what your friends will say.


I think its more about what he thinks about what she did.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > All of us have our own beliefs, values, standards, moral codes etc etc and if something turns you off and taints your view of someone - then it is what it is and you really can't force yourself to feel differently.
> ...


It sure is. These reported events happened decades ago. His issue, not hers. She didn't do anything wrong, or wrong to him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

uhtred said:


> OP
> You need to ask yourself if you can be completely accepting of her past, never hold it against her and love and desire her.
> 
> If the answer is "NO", and I think that is the case for you, then break up politely - you are not in a committed relationship, you can end it for absolutely any reason you want. You don't need to tell her, just say that you've realized that you really are not ready for a relationship now and that you don't think you are likely long term compatible.
> ...


And I imagine if he had not had his girlfriends past thrust into his present through no fault, or asking of his own, this wouldn't be an issue at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> So the fact that she has slept around with many of his friends is HIS issue??? Its HIS hang up?


Yes.

He not wanting to date because of that is his issue.

She has the right to date/screw/marry whoever and how ever many she wants. 

If he does not want to have a relationship with someone who has been with more than he finds acceptable, then that is his own personal boundary and is his choice and is on him. 

I don't mean that in a bad way. It just is what it is.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> So the fact that she has slept around with many of his friends is HIS issue??? Its HIS hang up?


In the strictest sense, yes. He is the only one who can control how he reacts to this information.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The op has said he has “started talking” to this woman who he used to have a crush on,it was his dream come true.A friend then tells him she was promiscuous and he has decided that she isn’t good enough for him and his group of sanctimonious buddies who seem to take pleasure in **** shaming this woman.
Has this woman actually expressed any interest in dating the op or is he still having an unrequited crush and trying to appear like he has any chance with her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> It sure is. These reported events happened decades ago. His issue, not hers. She didn't do anything wrong, or wrong to him.


Not decades ago, 10-15 years ago, its not that long. She was married for 10 years. 
After my divorce I wouldn't have been interested in a man who had had many sexual partners, whether recent or in the past, even though I was then in my late 40's. Its nothing to do with any 'issues' of mine, but that I wanted a man who thought of sex as a very meaningful and important expression of love and commitment.. Not one who would have sex in the back of a car after one night out. That would show me that we weren't compatible, and if he has had casual sex with many people we knew that would make it worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> In the strictest sense, yes. He is the only one who can control how he reacts to this information.


Yet many here seem annoyed that he has chosen to end this very new relationship, as if its wrong to have some sort of standards and boundaries.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that if someone's past is important, then you want to learn about it before you are in a committed relationship. He is lucky that he found out now, not after they were married. 





samyeagar said:


> And I imagine if he had not had his girlfriends past thrust into his present through no fault, or asking of his own, this wouldn't be an issue at all.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I think that if someone's past is important, then you want to learn about it before you are in a committed relationship. He is lucky that he found out now, not after they were married.


This may be straight forward for some people, but for others, it's not that simple.

For me, it never even occurred to ask my wife about her sexual past, partner counts, or anything. First reason was because we were building our own relationship, so things that applied in other relationships, save a few important things such as cheating, did not really matter.

Second, and more importantly, I had zero desire to hear about her past sex life, who she was with, things she did, how many she'd had. I knew she had a previous sex life because she had been married and had children, but beyond that, my curiosity ended. That is why I didn't ask anything about it. Yet here I am, six years later, and I still over hear things in conversation from time to time, things that my wife doesn't initiate bringing up, but things other people mention in passing. It's not something that is worth ending my relationship over, not by a long shot, but it is still something that I just really don't want to hear about. Not something I even remotely enjoy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Have you asked her about her past? You know, the source of information? Or do you only have second hand knowledge?


This truth, *if delivered honestly.
*
This truth would crush both.

Him, because of the high number. Likely high number.
Her, because she has feelings for him. And for his need to ask.

The number truth, if diminished or painted over, would start the clock on lying and betrayal.
His friends tipping him off is not to show braggadocio, not likely. Rather is to warn their friend.
Why take a chance.

Please! :frown2:

Do not look down on her.
Look for some other sweetheart, not her.

She is OK, just not OK for you.
Per your honest words....spoken here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yet many here seem annoyed that he has chosen to end this very new relationship, as if its wrong to have some sort of standards and boundaries.


There is nothing wrong with boundaries if they are your own boundaries.In this case the op seems to be controlled by his friends opinions and not his own.
By the way I noticed you managed to slip in the question did the lady in question cheat on her husband when the op never even hinted at that.
You are determined to equate that someone with a lot of previous partners is more likely to cheat than someone with just one or two.You assured me a long time ago you were going to provide proof of your nonsensical opinion.
I’m still waiting.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Not decades ago, 10-15 years ago, its not that long. She was married for 10 years.
> After my divorce I wouldn't have been interested in a man who had had many sexual partners, whether recent or in the past, even though I was then in my late 40's. Its nothing to do with any 'issues' of mine, but that I wanted a man who thought of sex as a very meaningful and important expression of love and commitment.. Not one who would have sex in the back of a car after one night out. That would show me that we weren't compatible, and if he has had casual sex with many people we knew that would make it worse.


I'm not sure what point you are arguing here.

If you wouldn't want to be with someone who'd been with a lot of people, then why can he not feel the same and have similar boundaries and a similar right to chose who he enters a relationship with?

If you wouldn't be with someone who'd been with a lot of people, that would be YOUR choice and your boundary and your standard. .....ie, it would be YOUR ISSUE.

It would be your issue, not theirs. 

Him not wanting to be with her is on him, not her just like you not wanting to be with someone who'd been with a lot of people would be on you. 

It's not a knock or a put down or a judgement. It's just a fact.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

From what it looks like, her past does seem important to you and thus that is the only thing that matters.

I would suggest you not tell her why as she really doesn't need to know.

You can still be friends and such, but based on your comments and point of view, pursuing a relationship would not be good for either of you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would likely not marry her.

I would likely befriend her.
She needs one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yet many here seem annoyed that he has chosen to end this very new relationship, as if its wrong to have some sort of standards and boundaries.


I don't think people are saying he is wrong or judging him.

We are just pointing out that this is his issue and he has no reason or right to burden her with it. 

It is not an indictment against him. It's just simply part of his standards and choice and his values. 

It's his hang up, not her issue.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

There is no "wrong" reason for ending a rather brief relationship. They aren't married or engaged. They are not living together. They have not been dating exclusively for an extended period of time. He owes her no explanation beyond "this isn't working for me any longer". And he is under no obligation to search within himself to see if he cares to change his view on how many sex partners in what period of time is "too much" for him. It is his life and his decision and his belief system.

And to me the issue is not just the number but the fact that several of them are still around and still moving in the same social circles. My wife had a number of partners before she met me, but thankfully I do not know or socialize with any of them. I can totally understand not wanting to pursue a relationship with someone where one is likely to run into not just one but several of the former lovers within one's core social group. I understand that reflects a weakness in ego. After all, as long as it has been a while since she stopped sleeping with them and now wants to sleep with me, I win, right? But it is totally understandable to worry that perhaps one of them dumped her, rather than the other way around, and that there are latent feelings which might bloom if the other guy changes his mind.

When he comes here in a few years saying "I nexted all the women who are not virgins, and I can't find anyone to date" then we can reasonably request that he re-examine his filter. As it stands, I don't know why we have bothered to waste so much time trying to convince him to keep seeing her. What makes him such a great catch that it is in HER best interest to give him the time of day? I think the best thing that can happen to her is him ending the relationship so she is free to find someone who doesn't hold her past against her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> In the medium term I would question if the GF would have told about her past, if not then it would be a very large lie by omission.
> 
> He also needs to find out why her marriage ended.
> 
> Tamat


I disagree strongly with all if this.

They were not in a committed relationship planning their futures together.

They had not been sexually active together and I'm not sure from his description if they were even actually dating yet. He just said he had a crush on her in the past and they had recently met up and were starting to reconnect to one degree or another.

There for her sexual past as well as the break up of her marriage were none of his business.

And how can you tell if someone was "going to tell you" something or not????

At this point they are simply two people who ran into each other and were starting to get to know each after 15 or so years.

Her sex life was/is none of his business.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Additionally, since he does not intend to pursue a relationship with her now, then it's REALLY none of his business why her marriage ended.

Not his circus, not his monkey.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am always amazed at the number of posters who fixate on someone else's ancient history. As if we are all unchanging.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

So, let me see.

You had a crush on some other woman while you were married?

Now you are divorced and you happen to meet your Emotional Affair target, and you speak with her, right? You say you two hit it off.

Now, I did not read that she said anything about wanting to be your girlfriend, or even going on a date, right? The only thing you said about her response in the conversation was you two hit it off well.

Then people are planning your lives around all kind of crazy things.

So to the Original Poster, your question is should you break it off and tell her why. I have to ask, what makes you think she thinks there is anything to break off? You are putting the cart before the horse. I doubt she thinks there is a thing going on to be broken off. 

Just don't call. She won't notice you haven't called.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> So to the Original Poster, your question is should you break it off and tell her why. I have to ask, what makes you think she thinks there is anything to break off? You are putting the cart before the horse. I doubt she thinks there is a thing going on to be broken off.
> 
> Just don't call. She won't notice you haven't called.


This is what I was getting at above. Nothing he has said indicates they are even dating. Nothing he has said indicates she is wanting or is pursuing a relationship with him. 

It's his right to date or not date whoever he wants and he is free to not pursue a date or relationship for whatever reason. 

But for him to tell her he won't date her because of her screwing his buddies would be pure *********gery on his part. The only reason to do that would be to get digs on her and that would make him a world class jerk.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I am always perplexed as to why it's okay for guys to have had many sexual partners, but not women. Women are somehow sullied by the many partners they've had, while men are just doing regular guy stuff.

Anyway, I'm with William. This guy is sort of posting for no reason. 

Sounds like this woman dodged a bullet.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
> I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
> We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.
> 
> ...


Yes end what ever you have going on with her, so that she can find someone that will accept her for what she did 20 years ago. You said it yourself you cant' get past it,move on simple as that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

introvert said:


> I am always perplexed as to why it's okay for guys to have had many sexual partners, but not women. Women are somehow sullied by the many partners they've had, while men are just doing regular guy stuff.


There's lots of double standards in the world. That may not be 'right' in the cosmic sense but it is a reality. 

that being said however, I do believe that even for guys there are upper limits to what many women will be ok with. While women may allow a little more slack on numbers, I think many will at some point get turned off and her image of a guy will be tainted as well at some point. It may be a bit of a double standard in terms of equal numbers, but not necessarily in terms of concept. 

If some gal ran into an old crush and was getting her hopes up that they may hit it off and have a go at it and then she found out he had been with multiple dozens of her peers in town and had been an active member of the swinging lifestyle and had Craigslist hook ups and banged chicks in the back of car outside the bar etc etc, it would probably cool her jets as well. 


What is also a double standard in these situations is if a gal found out something about a guy's history that she found distasteful and ruined her attraction - no one would bat an eye at it and everyone would pretty much tell her to 'next' him and not give it another moment's thought and to be thankful that she found out. 

Where as in many of these instances where men found out something about a woman's past, people often encourage him to give it another chance or to not be prudish or judgemental and that she may have changed etc etc. 

It's like women are allowed to have values and standards and deal breakers and boundaries, but men are not. 

I think that is more of a double standard in these "girlfriend's past" threads than the "guys are studs, girls are $lu+$" double standard.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> What is also a double standard in these situations is if a gal found out something about a guy's history that she found distasteful and ruined her attraction - no one would bat an eye at it and everyone would pretty much tell her to 'next' him and not give it another moment's thought and to be thankful that she found out.
> 
> Where as in many of these instances where men found out something about a woman's past, people often encourage him to give it another chance or to not be prudish or judgemental and that she may have changed etc etc.
> 
> ...


Although I will say that I do not think many of the posters have done that in this thread. 

Most of the posters have told him that he is entitled to his own standards and that if he does not want to pursue a relationship with her that that is his prerogative.


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.

She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.

But, the thoughts of her past and everything I’ve been told is kinda haunting to me.

Her ex husband was an abusive alcoholic , that’s well known, she’s different than she was years ago.

She I wanna be her everything, but, seems she has had everything already


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Interesting dilemma here. Theoretically, if I was to find out a woman had sex with so many of my friends, I'd likely not date her. If it was just random people that I do not know in town, then I would not break up with her. In reality, there's nothing wrong with what she did. But, there's also nothing wrong with ending this relationship if her past bothers you. 

I certainly wouldn't want a bunch of my friends knowing anything about my wife's sex and what she looks like naked. In fact, even in high school, I wouldn't date one of my friends' exes or sexual partners. There are lots of other women to date who haven't been with my friends.

I think you should just tell her you had a change of mind and you want to remain just friends, then leave it at that.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Those ghosts will haunt you forever. 

So did you ask her about it yet? Or you can't?

Never believe anything anyone else says about anybody. Just imagine the lies people spread behind people's backs.

Sure this might be true, but so what. Look at all the plays and movies based on the mistakes made because someone believed something told about someone else by someone else. So just get it from her. If you dare.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

introvert said:


> I am always perplexed as to why it's okay for guys to have had many sexual partners, but not women. Women are somehow sullied by the many partners they've had, while men are just doing regular guy stuff.
> 
> Anyway, I'm with William. This guy is sort of posting for no reason.
> 
> Sounds like this woman dodged a bullet.


A lot of us dont feel that way. For me its no different if its a man or a woman who does this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.
> 
> ...


I would look at who she is now and if she is someone you like, that is what should matter.

If your friends can't respect her, maybe they need to grow up, after all.... they were screwing around as well.

I can almost guarantee I was wilder and more promiscuous than your gf in my teens up until I met my wife at 20.

I changed and so did your gf. You might miss something really great if she is solid now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.
> 
> ...


You clearly don't like how she acted before she married, and that's' fine, you are allowed to not like that(despite what others here have said), but you would be best to end it now before it gets serious and before you have sex with her. The longer you leave it the harder it will be and that not fair on her. 3 weeks is nothing after all.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.
> 
> ...


The best marriages (or relationships) are those in which each individual measures the relationship by what they want to do for the other person, not by what they think the other person can or will do for them. You have found someone that you feel this way about, although it can probably be argued that you are infatuated rather than in love after only three weeks of courtship. 

I was introduced to my wife by a man who had previously had sex with her. He was one of my groomsmen in my wedding. He is a part of her past, but he is in her past. She had more sexual partners than me, and was even an affair partner at one point. I considered all of that and still decided to court her and eventually marry her because during our courtship I asked questions, carefully listened to her answers, and observed the way that she treated people around her. When she was lonely and adrift she did have sex for fun and did make some bad choices looking for love. What I learned about her convinced me that she would make a great life partner, and 23 years later I still feel that way. We have been through pretty much everything that anyone might complain about around boards like this. We have been through a sexless spell, and worked through it. Our bodies changed. Our likes and dislikes in bed have changed. Things she might have done in the past but won't do now. All of it. And yet we have a strong marriage.

Why is our marriage strong and loving? Because we circled the wagons. We spend time working on our relationship. We go to marriage workshops. We each make an effort to show the other that we want to be married. This is our relationship, and I don't give a flying rat's .ss what anyone else thinks. This is not their marriage. We don't listen to other people or hang out with people who don't respect our marriage. The people in her past are in her past, with the exception of our mutual friend (mentioned above) whom we still socialize with. My confidence comes from a combination of how I feel about her and the way that she demonstrates love, fidelity, loyalty, friendship, and many other qualities every day - both to me and to the people around us.

You seem to still be on the fence, so rather than tell you what I think you should do vis a vis breaking this off let me instead offer advice about how you can make the decision yourself. The trick is usually finding two people who each have a shared passion for meeting the other's needs. I think this is where you need to focus your energy. You've found someone you like and want to give something of yourself to. That's great. The next step is to figure out how much of the "love" that you feel is based on what you know about who she is today versus how much is just pure infatuation with the idea of who she was that you have been carrying around. Find out who she is as a person, and what she values in a love relationship. Ask her questions about the things that matter to you. If that includes her past number of lovers, then that's fair game. Listen to her answers without judgement so that she can answer honestly without fear of judgement.

You know your personality. You know if what other people think is going to bother you. That's who you are, and that's okay if that's the way that it is. But that's different than listening to what other people think and judging her based on what they think. People do change. If you think this woman can be a part of a high quality relationship with you and you're the kind of person who puts more value on that potential than on her past, then maybe you should consider giving it a chance.

If you do decide to explore the possibility of deeper relationship with her, keeping in mind that there are 1,000 other reasons why relationships fall apart, then be honest with her about what you are looking for. If that's a road leading to marriage, then ask her to do things with you that are designed to strengthen your relationship with each other. If she doesn't want to, then it's possible that she isn't a good match for you in the long run.

It's really up to you. Having sex with her without resolving this amounts to just stringing her along. Not having sex with her opens the door to her asking you why, and you should be honest about why. "Your past" isn't a valid answer. "To be sure we have something with legs that stands a chance of going the distance" is. In my opinion, of course. The latter answer lets the two of you focus on figuring out if there's anything with potential there before getting wrapped up in the feelings that sex adds to a relationship.

If you honestly feel that you can't get past what other people think, then make a clean break and put the relationship out of its misery. If you think that the past is an indicator of the future, then figure out what the past 10 years of her marriage (including fidelity or not, as the case may be) tells you about her and the possibility of a romantic relationship with her.

Good luck


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.
> 
> ...


Now you are sounding like a lovesick 17 year old. 

You don't love somebody dearly after dating 3 weeks. You love the hormone rush you got from connecting with a prior crush and you are in love with the fantasy of her that you have built up in your mind for 18 years. 

None of that is reality. 

The reality is you found out something that made you lose a lot of esteem and honor and admiration for her. 

On one hand that is ok. she is human just like the rest of us and having her up on the pedestal is not good for either of you. 

But as people have said here, do you still have enough esteem and honor and respect for her that you are capable of treating her with the dignity and respect and honor that anyone would deserve as a girlfriend/partner/spouse? 

Or have you lost so much respect and honor for her that you will not be able to?

Only you can decide that. 

You can't help how you feel about that kind of stuff and if you feel disdain and disgust and mistrust etc that is how it is. 

But you have no right to mistreat her or disrespect her in any way. 

If you know in your heart you can not feel the proper amount of love and honor and respect for her - then you are obligated to let her go because you have no right to disparage her. 

But if you legitimately and reasonably believe you can rise above this, then that is your call. 

You have every right to your own standards and deal breakers and values. And you have the right to not date someone that does not meet them. 

But you don't have the right to point fingers or to mistreat or disrespect or insult her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You know, people grow and change.

Life isn't always equally fair to us either.

Who knows what this woman was going through when she was younger.

I was wild and promiscuous as hell and I have had one marriage with no cheating that is quite successful by most POV's.

Should I look down on any poster here who has been divorced? I guess I'm better than anyone that got divorced? I'm so much smarter or worthy than they are?

It is all complete bvllshyt!!

I'm not better than any divorcée and no one is better than me because their partner count is lower.

People need to grow the hell up.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And herin lies the problem. A person can only control themselves. They can't control the words and actions of those around them. IF a person has a broad past that many people are aware of, especially if those people are still present in their lives, this will be a topic of conversation. *No way to avoid it.* Other people will say things, especially if talking about past sexual exploits was a routine part of the group.
> 
> My wife has a very extensive past. I did not proactively ask one question about it, yet through conversations I have heard others having, my wife having, I know way more than I ever had any desire to know, and none of it was volunteered directly to me from my wife. She didn't feel as if it was something important to tell me all about, and I agree with her, because I had no desire to hear all about it. The problem wasn't her talking too much, it was everyone else around us.


Yes - you're right. I've experienced this with men that I've dated - oversharing.

And it's also true that I can't control what other people discuss. But I disagree that it can't be avoided. It can. 

I control who I spend time with, what I hear, and who I have conversations with. And I learn very quickly.

If I'm uncomfortable, I can walk away. If my discomfort is clearly stated and people continue, then I have a choice to make. 

There's one person in particular who comes to mind who was consistently disrespectful, and I cut her out of my life without a second thought. And once the decision was made, I never spoke to her again.

You always have a choice.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You have the right to your standards, opinions, feelings, and thoughts. They don't have to conform with the majority.

Some will call you misogynist, some will call you a neanderthal, some will say you're judgmental, some will say you're mean, some will say you're old fashioned. Whatever. You have the right to be any or all of those things.

If it bothers you, it bothers you.

The worst thing you can do is let the opinions of others push you into doing something you are not wanting to do. If others have the right to judge you negatively for your position, don't you have the right to judge others for theirs? Iow, if you don't have the right to judge this woman's behavior and sexual belief system, then others don't have the right to judge you for yours!

Tell her why? You could if you want to, or not. Most people would probably advise not to, because it could make her angry or hurt. My position is generally it is best to give a vague answer that you just aren't a total match. You're not feeling the kind of closeness or attraction needed to pursue the relationship further. If she asks directly if it is because she's slept with X number of men, or because she's slept with friends of yours, I personally would give her an honest YES. Otherwise I'd just keep it vague. The exception I might make is if there is something she can change about herself. Like she works 100 hrs per week, or she only showers once per week, or she constantly talks about all her previous lovers. Under the right circumstances it could be seen as a kindness to tell her those things, because maybe she'd want to know. In your case, just keep it vague.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
> I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
> We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.
> 
> ...




- I can see your point and to an extent I agree with you.


- But our past is our past.......


- Yes, she has chosen to sleep around a lot.


- In my books, that isn't cool at all either.


- Dating and having fun is one thing, sleeping with that many people is another.


- If she no longer does this and it is her distant past, and you both hit it off well and you really love this girl, and she loves you, I say, give it a shot.


- Again, don't judge her because of her past. We all have done stuff we aren't proud of......


- If she has stopped sleeping around long ago, I still say go for her. She could be the one.


- But if she still parties and sleeps around, run away forest, run away.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

FWIW, I'm fine with men or women having any encounters they want with other men or women as long as they don't deceive their current partners about what they are *currently* doing. 

I have no interest in my partners past unless it has real direct practical implications. 

I dated a girl who had had lots of previous partners. We had a great time together. I could have imagined marrying her if we didn't have different ideas about children. 




introvert said:


> I am always perplexed as to why it's okay for guys to have had many sexual partners, but not women. Women are somehow sullied by the many partners they've had, while men are just doing regular guy stuff.
> 
> Anyway, I'm with William. This guy is sort of posting for no reason.
> 
> Sounds like this woman dodged a bullet.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Gr155 said:


> I’m 42 and recently divorced, I started talking to a woman I’ve known for 18 years a few months ago.
> I’ve always had a crush on her, and been attracted to her. She’s also divorced with two kids.
> We hit it off well. To me it was a dream come true, kinda like finally getting the girl of your dreams.
> 
> ...


Everybody's different, and would approach this situation differently. I'm like you - I'd have a hard time having a relationship with someone that my friends (8 of them!) had been with.

Yet I sit here and try to understand why I'd have an issue with this, and I can't come to a conclusive, logical reason. It just is. The best I can offer is that I would find it awkward to be in a relationship with someone who several of my friends also have (including casually).

But - many people wouldn't, or don't, care.

Obviously you do, so that's your prerogative, and it's okay. Regardless of how much you like her, this would always bother you, as it would me, so there's your decision.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> And herin lies the problem. A person can only control themselves. They can't control the words and actions of those around them. IF a person has a broad past that many people are aware of, especially if those people are still present in their lives, this will be a topic of conversation. No way to avoid it. Other people will say things, especially if talking about past sexual exploits was a routine part of the group.
> 
> My wife has a very extensive past. I did not proactively ask one question about it, yet through conversations I have heard others having, my wife having, *I know way more than I ever had any desire to know, and none of it was volunteered directly to me from my wife. She didn't feel as if it was something important to tell me all about, and I agree with her, because I had no desire to hear all about it. The problem wasn't her talking too much, it was everyone else around us.*


This, especially the bolded. No way around it, really, unless there _is_ no past to speak of. I'm in the same boat with this, but you learn to shut the brain off over time. I've also learned that there are really only certain people in my/my wife's life who seem to like to reminisce. Fortunately, none of my friends or family are boorish enough to bring up my past with my wife present. Some of hers are. C'est la vie.

On a somewhat related note, my wife came with 2 kids, so the father is a part of their lives. We/I have to see him a few times a week, and will for the foreseeable future. It's part and parcel of the relationship.


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

I dunno, we’ll see how it goes.

I have always thought highly of her, even before I got married.
I think most if not everyone has that one person they’ll always lust after no matter what, well, she’s that one person to me !

I do get tired of hearing others say they’ve heard stories about her !

I think that’s the biggest problem, do I care about her , hell yes I do, and have deep down for years. I can’t help that.

She’s a good person, we get along very very well. 
She has no clue that I’ve wanted her for all these years, or can remember the first time I ever met her, I remember every last detail...

Should I tell her I’ve always had a crush on her ?
Should I tell her I wanna be with her for the rest of our lives ?

If she commits to me, I think her past is irrelevant.

Although, I’m holding off on sex for now, and I’m afraid she’s wondering why.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

oldshirt said:


> Yes.
> 
> He not wanting to date because of that is his issue.
> 
> ...


Agree with this.

Though I don't get the impression it's the number that bothers him, it's who. And the fact that one of these people bragged to him about it. Not cool.

My wife is much more experienced than I am, in this regard, but it's also not (that I know of!) people who are friends of mine. And definitely not 8 of them. And even if it was, none of them are crass enough to brag to me about it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Yes - you're right. I've experienced this with men that I've dated - oversharing.
> 
> And it's also true that I can't control what other people discuss. But I disagree that it can't be avoided. It can.
> 
> ...


Very true about determining who one spends time with, and sometimes, that leads to very difficult choices, especially when it involves a number of mutual friends.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> I dunno, we’ll see how it goes.
> 
> I have always thought highly of her, even before I got married.
> I think most if not everyone has that one person they’ll always lust after no matter what, well, she’s that one person to me !
> ...


Does yours and hers current social group have many of her past lovers? Are you in close physical proximity to her past lovers? Are you two in regular contact with people who were a part of, or know details of her past exploits? Is it normal to casually discuss prior lovers within your social group?


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Live in same area , yes.

She has some of them as Facebook friends.

Do we see them on an everyday basis, no.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> I dunno, we’ll see how it goes.
> 
> I have always thought highly of her, even before I got married.
> I think most if not everyone has that one person they’ll always lust after no matter what, well, she’s that one person to me !
> ...


So you've been dating for just three weeks and you haven't had sex yet. While you're upset that some of your friends have carnal knowledge of her. And you now want to tell her you want to be with her for the rest of your lives without any carnal experience of your own to assess.

Are you insane?!

Plus you've also crushed on her for 18 years, without having the wherewithal and confidence to express your desire for her way back when.

Yet now you want to tell her your have obsessed about her for all that time, while doing nothing about it.

How do you not get that she might find that a little weird and possibly a bit creepy as well?

Combine that with not having sex with her as well as the rest. And she might wonder if you might lack confidence, assertiveness and might also be codependent and needy as well.

Do you really think you should shoot your wad, before testing the water?


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Your right.

I can’t have sex with her.
I let a teenage crush develop into a lifelong lust.
Only to find out that she’s basically damaged goods, and dirty in my eyes.

I’m just going to tell her I can’t be with her or even be friends due to personal reasons, remaining friends would be to awkward for me , and probably keep me wanting her.

Out of sight, out of mind


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Live in same area , yes.
> 
> She has some of them as Facebook friends.
> 
> Do we see them on an everyday basis, no.


Big city, or more rural?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> Your right.
> 
> I can’t have sex with her.
> I let a teenage crush develop into a lifelong lust.
> ...


Yes, if you feel she's "damaged goods and dirty" because she had multiple sex partners back in her teens and early twenties, do her a MASSIVE favor and exit her life.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Your right.
> 
> I can’t have sex with her.
> I let a teenage crush develop into a lifelong lust.
> ...


I'm sad to say, this is probably the right way to go. On the one hand, you're the luckiest guy in the world who got to date his crush! But on the other, you've had decades to build up a fantasy vision of her that cannot possibly be met. She is sure to disappoint you in many ways because she won't be anything like how you've pictured her for so long. Right now you're dating the woman in your head, not the woman who exists in the real world. 

It probably is most healthy for you if you move on. If she stays in your life, she'll keep occupying a place in your heart and you won't give your all to other relationships.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> Only to find out that she’s basically damaged goods, and dirty in my eyes.


Just because she has had sex with different people, doesn't make her damaged goods or dirty.

If you can't see that, then you would do well to wash your eyes out.

That said as long as you remain blind, I think she will be dodging a bullet when you dump her.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yes, if you feel she's "damaged goods and dirty" because she had multiple sex partners back in her teens and early twenties, do her a MASSIVE favor and exit her life.


I think we have to view this situation through the perspective of his crush. There's a saying that goes something like "Never meet your idols." People are often disappointed when they meet their favorite celebrity because they find out they're not as perfect as they had built them up to be. It's not that the celebrity is bad, but they are normal people with normal failings. Once you find that out, you experience a level of disappointment that wouldn't be there if you just met them as a regular person.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

It doesn’t?

Oh I think it does.

Granted, 3 weeks is not along time but, she’s already trying to get me to f&$k her, and dropping hints about how she wants me to eat her down there, and how she’ll give me the BJ of a lifetime.

I can’t do any of that with her !!

No way in hell am I going down on any woman that’s had that many partners.

Just not my preference


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> It doesn’t?
> 
> Oh I think it does.
> 
> ...


There was another poster here recently that found out about his wife's past after they had been married for quite a while who had similar feelings as you express here. He also expressed similarly worded concern about her past partners' DNA remaining inside her. He was on the fence about divorcing or not. I glanced back, but it looks like that thread is gone...


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> It doesn’t?
> 
> Oh I think it does.
> 
> ...



You know buddy you are full of the brown stuff and I don’t mean chocolate. You are talking about a good looking,sexy woman who had a full and active sex life then settled down to be a faithful wife. 
Do her a big favor and tell her the truth,she’ll hopefully laugh in your face and see you as the pitiful loser you really are. 
But you can still post on anonymous Internet forums and say how you valued yourself too much to settle for someone “damaged”.
Enjoy your long lonely life looking for a forty year old virgin who likes sex and knows how to please a man.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Andy, 

Did I ask for your opinion?

Everyone has their own standards, I have mine. You have yours.

I never **** about a virgin.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

It’s not about sex as far as I’m concerned.

I’m attracted to her, and have feelings for her, and yes she’s very beautiful in my opinion.

But, I don’t wanna have sex with her.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> It doesn’t?
> 
> Oh I think it does.
> 
> ...


Interesting, since it all happened almost two decades ago. Since STDs from that time period aren't a factor now, how is that different than her having had a partner and getting a steady, regular infusion of his bodily fluids inside her for years upon years?

"Going down on her" will expose you to her long term ex husband's stuff much more than to partners from almost two decades ago.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

True Livvie

Never thought of it that way.

Yep, I’m out !


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Good.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

By the numbers:
Using the numbers:

This is going to be graphic.
I do not how to say this differently.

One women was married for 20 years to the same man. They had sex ~three times a week.
That comes to ~150 times a year.
After 20 years, she has been made love to, 'penetrated' roughly 3000 times. 

Another women has had ten lovers over those same years. She had sex three times a week also.
After 20 years, she has been made love to, 'penetrated' roughly 3000 times. 

Barring STD's. both women have the same count. Their vagina's will look mostly the same, perform mostly the same.

The first women has no experience with multiple men.
The second women has a lot of experience. 

With that in mind, the second one would 'likely' be a better lover. 
If she wants to marry you, she made this decision after sampling a bunch.
She knows what is good, what is not. That speaks volumes about you, you being her choice.

Yeah, yeah, she may be forced to settle. No man wants her...for life, forever.

I know, I know..
Life has no guarantees. 

Just a Thought..


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Makes sense I guess, but, if she’s been penetrated 3000 times, to me it’s , well , not really healthy for me to be #3,001.

How could we really be a couple if she’s been around that much?

She’s used up and I have nothing to offer to her, as she has nothing to give me that I’d want.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Good lord, just let her go. You don't need to character assassinate her to internet strangers.

She's just not for you.
Leave it at that and go find a woman who is.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Gr155 said:


> She’s wanting to have sex , *I want to as well*, I love her dearly.





Gr155 said:


> But, I don’t wanna have sex with her.


12 hours later and your statements are complete opposites.

Yesterday she was the love of your life. You loved her dearly. Now she's damaged goods and used up. Are you sure she's not the one reconsidering being with you and this is your way of venting?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Primrose said:


> 12 hours later and your statements are complete opposites.
> 
> Yesterday she was the love of your life. You loved her dearly. Now she's damaged goods and used up. Are you sure she's not the one reconsidering being with you and this is your way of venting?


The pedestal he had her on imploded, then exploded, once he found out she was a human being.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

This place is what has me realizing the truth.

Yes, I’m parting ways with her , due to my insecurities or whatever you want to call it.

Doing it today.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> Makes sense I guess, but, if she’s been penetrated 3000 times, to me it’s , well , not really healthy for me to be #3,001.
> 
> How could we really be a couple if she’s been around that much?
> 
> She’s used up and I have nothing to offer to her, as she has nothing to give me that I’d want.


Wouldn't it be the men she's been with who are USED UP?

You eat with your mouth every day. Your are in your 40s. Is your mouth used up?

How many times have YOU had sex in your life (eww it was in other women's vaginas, gross)? I bet it's totally used up. Damaged goods. Gross.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Hey, listen, it can be easy-peasy if you want.

Drop your circle of friends and get new ones. She has to block them as Facebook friends as well. Let her know why .... because it bothers you.

Move to a different neighbourhood.

Develop your relationship.

Be happy.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> I love her dearly.


what in the everloving ****



> Come to find out, there’s 8 different guys who I know that have slept with her.





> I have always thought highly of her, even before I got married.
> I think most if not everyone has that one person they’ll always lust after no matter what, well, she’s that one person to me !


oh my god dude, move out of your hometown into a city with more than 500 people.



> Yes, I’m parting ways with her , due to my insecurities or whatever you want to call it.
> 
> Doing it today.


are you related to user21?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Develop your relationship.


I hope not, this woman could do a lot better.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Personal said:


> I hope not, this woman could do a lot better.



You might have something there.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you can't fully accept her as she is, with her past, then please don't take the relationship any further. It will just be setting you both up for more hurt. 

She has been honest with you. You can choose to accept or not, but she is not at fault for anything.

If you love her, you need to love here AS SHE IS, not as you wish she was.




Gr155 said:


> Yes we are dating , have been for 3 weeks.
> 
> She’s wanting to have sex , I want to as well, I love her dearly.
> 
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Your choice. Just break up with her politely.

You would NOT make her happy in the long run. 




Gr155 said:


> It doesn’t?
> 
> Oh I think it does.
> 
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hope she finds someone who appreciates her for the passionate woman that she is. (too bad I'm not dating:smile2

I hope you find someone who meets your standards. 

Please please please do not stay with this woman. 




Gr155 said:


> It doesn’t?
> 
> Oh I think it does.
> 
> ...


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> There was another poster here recently that found out about his wife's past after they had been married for quite a while who had similar feelings as you express here. He also expressed similarly worded concern about her past partners' DNA remaining inside her. He was on the fence about divorcing or not. I glanced back, but it looks like that thread is gone...





toblerone said:


> what in the everloving ****
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's who I was referring to. I couldn't remember the posters name, nor could I find the thread, which is too bad because I think Gr155 would have been able to relate.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

toblerone said:


> what in the everloving ****
> 
> 
> 
> ...


rofl

>


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> This place is what has me realizing the truth.
> 
> Yes, I’m parting ways with her , due to my insecurities or whatever you want to call it.
> 
> Doing it today.


You've gotten knocked around a bit, but I hope you stick around. From what you've been writing, you probably would benefit from gaining a more healthy attitude about women and sex in general. Regardless of this woman, you may have overly high expectations about women and their past.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> That's who I was referring to. I couldn't remember the posters name, nor could I find the thread, which is too bad because I think Gr155 would have been able to relate.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/404866-won-t-do-unprotected-oral.html

user21 is on a whole other level


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don’t think you can ever accept her. Even if you two moved far away and she never contacted any of her old lovers again. 

She wants a different type of sex life than you want. She will want oral sex regularly, and probably a lot more variety in positions and places than you can imagine. Toys and maybe home made movies for you two to watch together. Big mirrors and ropes.

And no matter how hard you try you can’t make yourself not care about those past partners. Every time she suggests something new you will get angry. You will want to know where she learned that, who she learned it from.

It bothers you. You can’t talk yourself into having it not bother you. People who say it shouldn’t aren’t you. Maybe it wouldn’t bother them, but they aren’t you. 

You have to be you. Trying to accept something you just don’t like because someone told you it’s wrong to be bothered will just make you blow a gasket.

Good luck.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You know buddy you are full of the brown stuff and I don’t mean chocolate. You are talking about a good looking,sexy woman who had a full and active sex life then settled down to be a faithful wife.
> Do her a big favor and tell her the truth,she’ll hopefully laugh in your face and see you as the pitiful loser you really are.
> But you can still post on anonymous Internet forums and say how you valued yourself too much to settle for someone “damaged”.
> Enjoy your long lonely life looking for a forty year old virgin who likes sex and knows how to please a man.


Silly comment. He never said he was looking for a virgin. There is a big difference between wanting someone who has had sex but in the context of a relationship and someone who has had casual sex with many partners, some only one night stands. 

Its so important to find someone who has similar views to sex and relationships as we have.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> This place is what has me realizing the truth.
> 
> Yes, I’m parting ways with her , due to my insecurities or whatever you want to call it.
> 
> Doing it today.


 Its nothing to do with insecurities, its your choice and good luck to you. The relationship is so new that no one will get hurt. People end relationships for all sorts of reasons, sex is an important one to be on the same page on.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

I told her I couldn’t go any farther in this relationship , she doesn’t understand why, which I knew would be the case....

She’s upset, which makes me feel terrible.

She thinks I don’t find her attractive.
Which is not true at all.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> I don’t think you can ever accept her. Even if you two moved far away and she never contacted any of her old lovers again.
> 
> She wants a different type of sex life than you want. She will want oral sex regularly, and probably a lot more variety in positions and places than you can imagine. Toys and maybe home made movies for you two to watch together. Big mirrors and ropes.
> 
> ...


Exactly how do you know what sort of sex she will want?


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

An article someone sent me on here makes me think I’m doing the right thing.


When a man has sex with a woman, his biological material stays within a woman's vagina—even if a condom is used. While the vagina is self-cleaning, the process to completely cleanse can take months. Do you really want another man's biological material in your mouth? And even if you think you're in a committed relationship, by the time you find out your woman is cheating on you, it'll be too late.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wilson said:


> You've gotten knocked around a bit, but I hope you stick around. From what you've been writing, you probably would benefit from gaining a more healthy attitude about women and sex in general. Regardless of this woman, you may have overly high expectations about women and their past.


Is it wrong to have high expectations? When my marriage ended after 23 years, I knew I wouldn't be interested in a man who had had many partners or who had had a casual attitude to sex. How is that wrong? As it was my husband has never had sex outside of marriage, so my expectations weren't too high. There are still many around who haven't had many sexual partners.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> An article someone sent me on here makes me think I’m doing the right thing.
> 
> 
> When a man has sex with a woman, his biological material stays within a woman's vagina—even if a condom is used. While the vagina is self-cleaning, the process to completely cleanse can take months. Do you really want another man's biological material in your mouth? And even if you think you're in a committed relationship, by the time you find out your woman is cheating on you, it'll be too late.


Aaaaand there we have it...


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Doesn’t really matter now, I asked her to not contact me again, as I wouldn’t be contacting or speaking to her from now on.

Thanks for your assistance on this.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gr155 said:


> An article someone sent me on here makes me think I’m doing the right thing.
> 
> 
> When a man has sex with a woman, his biological material stays within a woman's vagina—even if a condom is used. While the vagina is self-cleaning, the process to completely cleanse can take months. Do you really want another man's biological material in your mouth? And even if you think you're in a committed relationship, by the time you find out your woman is cheating on you, it'll be too late.


Well now, isn't this article evidence for STAYING with her?

Didn't you say it was 15 to 20 years ago she had multiple partners?

Almost two decades. Surely the good old vagina is cleaned of THAT.

How many partners have YOU had?


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Only 5

Over a 25 year span.


If she doesn’t stop texting me about trying to work through this I’m going to tell her I think she’s a dirty ***** and really hurt her feelings


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Wouldn't it be the men she's been with who are USED UP?
> 
> You eat with your mouth every day. Your are in your 40s. Is your mouth used up?
> 
> How many times have YOU had sex in your life (eww it was in other women's vaginas, gross)? I bet it's totally used up. Damaged goods. Gross.


So the more sex you have, the more your parts get used up?

Good to know. Looking at my equipment, the thing must have been six feet long when I started!

I wore it right down after decades of constant sex!:laugh::grin2:


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This actually doesn't pass the sniff test but interesting to see what TAMmers think.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This actually doesn't pass the sniff test but interesting to see what TAMmers think.


I share your concerns and I reported it.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Gr155 said:


> An article someone sent me on here makes me think I’m doing the right thing.
> 
> 
> When a man has sex with a woman, his biological material stays within a woman's vagina—even if a condom is used. While the vagina is self-cleaning, the process to completely cleanse can take months. Do you really want another man's biological material in your mouth? And even if you think you're in a committed relationship, by the time you find out your woman is cheating on you, it'll be too late.


It all makes sense now. :smthumbup:


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Why is User21 sending the OP article's? Are they BFF's now?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> If she doesn’t stop texting me about trying to work through this I’m going to tell her I think she’s a dirty ***** and really hurt her feelings



And guys wonder why so many women are hesitant to be friendly to strangers or even to move too fast with a new relationship. There's some next-level crazy out there. You can reconnect with an old acquaintance from high school, hit it off, start dating, think everything is going well. And, 3 weeks later, he's bouncing between "in love" and you're a "dirty *****" like a ping pong ball, with zero warning and zero explanation...
:wtf:


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

What is that ?


----------



## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Aaaaand there we have it...



Spot on Sam, you get the seegar today!


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Gr155 said:


> Only 5
> 
> Over a 25 year span.
> 
> ...


WTH is wrong with you?

No class or manners.

Grow up.


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

I tried to be nice, she keeps sending me messages...

I blocked her.

End of story


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Even if this thread is what we think it is, it's important to respond with helpful advice since others may be reading it and relating it to their own situation. The type of thinking displayed by the OP is not fiction. Many Nice Guys (TM) have the same attitude.


----------



## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> Only 5
> 
> Over a 25 year span.
> 
> ...


Ah yes, spoken like a true 15 year old.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

O


wilson said:


> Even if this thread is what we think it is, it's important to respond with helpful advice since others may be reading it and relating it to their own situation. The type of thinking displayed by the OP is not fiction. Many Nice Guys (TM) have the same attitude.


K. Asshats that talk **** about a woman THEY HAD SEX WITH because she had sex with them are truly beyond warped and pathetic little boys and OP is pretty sad to have friends that are such pond scum.

If one of my friends told me to watch out about a woman I was dating because he had some easy sex with her, 20 years ago before her marriage, I would tell him to take a hike and keep his big mouth shut about my gf.

It would be a little different if he was telling me she was an ex porn actress, prostitute or into crazy crap like gang bangs.

I would still have a mature conversation with her about it and if I liked her and her values had changed, I'd still go for it.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Silly comment. He never said he was looking for a virgin. There is a big difference between wanting someone who has had sex but in the context of a relationship and someone who has had casual sex with many partners, some only one night stands.
> 
> Its so important to find someone who has similar views to sex and relationships as we have.


I’m still waiting for the proof that you promised to supply me with that because I have had a lot of partners I am likely to cheat if I get married.
The op said in his earlier post that this woman was a faithful wife and a great mother but you still asked the question did she cheat.
Your intolerance and judgmental attitude is astounding for someone who claims on what seems to be a daily basis to be a strong Christian woman.
Your hypocrisy is breathtaking.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m still waiting for the proof that you promised to supply me with that because I have had a lot of partners I am likely to cheat if I get married.
> The op said in his earlier post that this woman was a faithful wife and a great mother but you still asked the question did she cheat.
> Your intolerance and judgmental attitude is astounding for someone who claims on what seems to be a daily basis to be a strong Christian woman.
> Your hypocrisy is breathtaking.


Ask her about Rahab.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Wouldn't it be the men she's been with who are USED UP?
> ...


I was being sarcastic to the OP because I thought it was ridiculous that he called her vagina used up because she had 8 sex partners two decades ago.


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I said in another post, and I will repeat it here.

You get guys like the OP that get so judgmental about a woman's past and hold out for that virtuous (in their eyes anyway) woman that has remained chaste and pure. then 5 years after they are married they are on here posting about how bored they are with their sex life because they have a bad case of dead bedroom with their frigid wife that has such a negative view on sex that it has become a chore. 

I'm not saying marry a promiscuous woman because she will be fun in the sack, I'm just saying don't eliminate a woman because she has a positive view on sexuality and is comfortable in enjoying it.

On a side note though, I do feel a little bit of the OP's feelings. Not because she was comfortable getting it on before, because I see nothing at all wrong with that, only because admittedly it would be awkward knowing half my friends had at one time or another slept with my wife. I don't want my entire social circle to know what my wife is like in bed, it would just be weird thinking about stirring my buddies yogurt so to speak.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> I tried to be nice, she keeps sending me messages...
> 
> I blocked her.
> 
> End of story


You remind me of guys I used to work with abroad years ago who couldn’t get a girl to look at them but assured everyone that all the girls at home were crazy about them.Then they went home and told everyone about how all the girls abroad loved them.
You have this woman who you had a crush on for years but you didn’t have the balls to talk to her.Now she is single and you,the super stud/knight in shining armor is going to sweep her off her feet but then unfortunately you find out she is in your own words “damaged goods”.So now you “regrettably” have to break her heart and refuse to date her.Yeah.....
And all this happens within a couple of hours.
Is it cold under that bridge?


----------



## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

This all happened over a period of around a month.
Not a few hours dip**** !


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> Only 5
> 
> Over a 25 year span.
> 
> ...


Don't do that, just ask her again not to contact you and after that just block her number. Did you say why you wanted to end it?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> I said in another post, and I will repeat it here.
> 
> You get guys like the OP that get so judgmental about a woman's past and hold out for that virtuous (in their eyes anyway) woman that has remained chaste and pure. then 5 years after they are married they are on here posting about how bored they are with their sex life because they have a bad case of dead bedroom with their frigid wife that has such a negative view on sex that it has become a chore.
> 
> ...


You are implying that people with a positive view on sexuality will have many partners. That's just not the case. Its because many of us have such a positive view of sex that we don't treat it casually and DONT have many partners. 
I think its great to find someone here with that positive view, and yet he gets attacked for it as if its wrong to have standards on this. As if its his problem that he doesn't want a partner who doesn't share that view.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow, too bad the OP has decided to live for other people and not himself. He could be missing out on a life time of bliss with the woman hoe originally described a faithful wife and good mother. Of course it doesn't help to have the church lady chiming in and basically slvt shaming the woman for things she did 20 years ago. Maybe the OP, User21 and the church lady can all start their own forum called Talk About Prudery or something.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This story swings to really high highs and really low lows. I have trouble believing it. 

Loves her so much, crushed on her for years, yet thinks she is a *****.

Yeah right.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> This all happened over a period of around a month.
> Not a few hours dip**** !


Ten o’clock this morning you were debating whether to break up or not,two hours later you are threatening to verbally abuse her.
You are really brave on the internet,not so brave when you have a crush but are afraid to act on it.
Again,is it cold under that bridge.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m still waiting for the proof that you promised to supply me with that because I have had a lot of partners I am likely to cheat if I get married.
> The op said in his earlier post that this woman was a faithful wife and a great mother but you still asked the question did she cheat.
> Your intolerance and judgmental attitude is astounding for someone who claims on what seems to be a daily basis to be a strong Christian woman.
> Your hypocrisy is breathtaking.


Others here also asked why her marriage ended, are you going to attack them as well? It was a very relevant question to the ops problem. We don't know if she was faithful, she may have been, but she probably wasn't going to tell him if she wasn't anyway. 
I think that you and others here have been very intolerant of this mans uneasiness because of her casual attitude to sex. I think its great to find a man who thinks more of sex that a one night stand. Many of you have been very critical of him and his stand, I admire him. A couple must have similar views on this or it wont work.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> You are implying that people with a positive view on sexuality will have many partners. That's just not the case. Its because many of us have such a positive view of sex that we don't treat it casually and DONT have many partners.
> I think its great to find someone here with that positive view, and yet he gets attacked for it as if its wrong to have standards on this. As if its his problem that he doesn't want a partner who doesn't share that view.


He didn't get attacked because he has standards. He got "attacked" because he is a weak, vacillating human being. He was in love with her this morning, trying to work it out and this afternoon he is calling her a dirty *****. 
He doesn't have a healthy view of sex, he has a warped view of himself and the world. Much the same as you do. 
It might do you well to actually follow a thread instead of just moralizing as you are wont to do in every thread.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > I’m still waiting for the proof that you promised to supply me with that because I have had a lot of partners I am likely to cheat if I get married.
> ...


You are attributing qualities to OP that aren't necessarily there. It's less of a moral thing with him and more of a he doesn't want to "go down on" her "used vagina" because other guys were there two decades ago.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Others here also asked why her marriage ended, are you going to attack them as well? It was a very relevant question to the ops problem. We don't know if she was faithful, she may have been, but she probably wasn't going to tell him if she wasn't anyway.
> I think that you and others here have been very intolerant of this mans uneasiness because of her casual attitude to sex. I think its great to find a man who thinks more of sex that a one night stand. Many of you have been very critical of him and his stand, I admire him. A couple must have similar views on this or it wont work.


Others may have asked why they divorced but you were the only person who asked did she cheat even though the op said she had been faithful.
Selective answering again Diana?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> He didn't get attacked because he has standards. He got "attacked" because he is a weak, vacillating human being. He was in love with her this morning, trying to work it out and this afternoon he is calling her a dirty *****.
> He doesn't have a healthy view of sex, he has a warped view of himself and the world. Much the same as you do.
> It might do you well to actually follow a thread instead of just moralizing as you are wont to do in every thread.


It may interest you to know that the brave op is now threatening me in private messages.
I am ****ting myself here 😂😂😂😂😂


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Isn't threatening you in private messages a bannable event?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Gr155 said:


> Doesn’t really matter now, I asked her to not contact me again, as I wouldn’t be contacting or speaking to her from now on.
> 
> Thanks for your assistance on this.


FWIW ... I think you're making a sound decision. My greatest relationship regrets were the choices made when I put my head down and bulled right through the bright red flags waving briskly.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> It may interest you to know that the brave op is now threatening me in private messages.
> I am ****ting myself here 😂😂😂😂😂


Oh, that _is_ a new development. Maybe I'm wrong about my earlier conclusions!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Diana I agree with having morals and values, not every one here has the same ideas and that is ok. We each get to live our own life.

Op doesn't have strong moral's or values, he is acting like a jerk smearing a woman with a questionable past. He comes across as an arrogant donkeys behind. He is acting like another human being is trash because of her partner count. 

That is wrong.

If her past is unacceptable to him, that is fine. He can move on.

That is not what he is doing. He is dragging this woman through the mud and kicking her as much as he can along the way.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> You are implying that people with a positive view on sexuality will have many partners. That's just not the case. Its because many of us have such a positive view of sex that we don't treat it casually and DONT have many partners.
> I think its great to find someone here with that positive view, and yet he gets attacked for it as if its wrong to have standards on this. As if its his problem that he doesn't want a partner who doesn't share that view.


It isn't my intention to debate the validity of anyone's view on what a sex positive attitude looks like. My point in my statement is simply that because a woman didn't keep her knees pinned together 25 years ago doesn't make her any less of a person or for that matter a potential partner.

Putting things into perspective. If I had met a women that was twenty years old, been sexually active for 3 years and has had 20 partners in that three years, this would probably give me pause to think and admittedly I would question that moral integrity of the person, i wouldn't judge, but I would question.

However, if I met a woman of 45 that has had 20 partners in her life, I would feel a little different. 

Now what if that 45 year old woman has only had say 2 partners in the last 15 years, is that really all that bad?

My point here being that just because somebody has done the deed a few times with different people why does that suddenly mean they are terrible people and unworthy of love?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ynot said:


> He didn't get attacked because he has standards. He got "attacked" because he is a weak, vacillating human being. He was in love with her this morning, trying to work it out and this afternoon he is calling her a dirty *****.
> He doesn't have a healthy view of sex, he has a warped view of himself and the world.


:smthumbup:


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> It may interest you to know that the brave op is now threatening me in private messages.
> I am ****ting myself here 😂😂😂😂😂


Don't worry, something tells me this guy is afraid to get his hands dirty. :grin2:


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## Gr155 (Jan 17, 2018)

Won’t be posting anymore, in fact you can delete me or ban me from here.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

promises promises


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The post below is really good. 

My only addition is this: There is minimal correlation between someone seeing casual sex as ‘ok’ and that same person being more likely to cheat. 

Likeing casual sex and being a disloyal partner are very, very different. 

With that said, I’ve seen this particular movie before. It is labeled as a drama but sadly, often turns out to be a horror picture. 

The way that goes is the man convinces himself he will get over this angst and gets into a serious relationship/marriage with the woman. He then decides that he can’t get past it on his own, but might be able to if she helps him by constantly apologizing for all the other men she ever slept with. Except - turns out - the average woman isn’t real fond of being **** shamed by her partner/husband and starts to fight back. This also tends to damage their sexual connection - not that that outcome is really all that surprising. 

This is a huge compatibility mismatch. Huge. Massive. 

I’m not going to make a right/wrong value judgement, simply sharing my belief that the guys who prioritize women with a low partner count, don’t seem to be able to get past that preference, even with a woman they think they love. 

I will however make a strong value judgement on the path forward. It is ok to:
- walk away now or 
- discuss this FULLY with her and if you can agree to leave the past in the past, proceed as long as you proceed with the understanding that sex history conversations are now completed and will not be raised again

It is mentally abusive to proceed to a sexual relationship and then give her the responsibility for making you feel better about this by repeatedly talking about it in a manner that lets her know just how negatively you view her prior behavior. In fact, repeatedly talking about it will demoralize and injure her. So even feeling the need to revisit it over and over - will ensure a hateful outcome. That is - she will end up hating you for making her feel bad about herself. 






pplwatching said:


> The best marriages (or relationships) are those in which each individual measures the relationship by what they want to do for the other person, not by what they think the other person can or will do for them. You have found someone that you feel this way about, although it can probably be argued that you are infatuated rather than in love after only three weeks of courtship.
> 
> I was introduced to my wife by a man who had previously had sex with her. He was one of my groomsmen in my wedding. He is a part of her past, but he is in her past. She had more sexual partners than me, and was even an affair partner at one point. I considered all of that and still decided to court her and eventually marry her because during our courtship I asked questions, carefully listened to her answers, and observed the way that she treated people around her. When she was lonely and adrift she did have sex for fun and did make some bad choices looking for love. What I learned about her convinced me that she would make a great life partner, and 23 years later I still feel that way. We have been through pretty much everything that anyone might complain about around boards like this. We have been through a sexless spell, and worked through it. Our bodies changed. Our likes and dislikes in bed have changed. Things she might have done in the past but won't do now. All of it. And yet we have a strong marriage.
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I was being sarcastic to the OP because I thought it was ridiculous that he called her vagina used up because she had 8 sex partners two decades ago.


Absolutely! Just playing off of, and appreciating, your sarcasm.😉 :grin2::wink2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a lot of people who would make terrible matches. When you discover this early in dating, just thank whatever gods you believe in that you found out early, not late.

I can't relate to the OP's mindset, but I think the woman is very lucky to have found out early. 




Rowan said:


> And guys wonder why so many women are hesitant to be friendly to strangers or even to move too fast with a new relationship. There's some next-level crazy out there. You can reconnect with an old acquaintance from high school, hit it off, start dating, think everything is going well. And, 3 weeks later, he's bouncing between "in love" and you're a "dirty *****" like a ping pong ball, with zero warning and zero explanation...
> :wtf:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Whether or not the OP is still listening, I think the right approach for him to contact his former gf is:

Dear GF.
I'm sorry but I can't continue this relationship. Its not your fault in any way, its just that I've done some thinking and I don't think we can every be compatible. I want to end things now before we get even closer and cause even more hurt when it has to end. There is no way that either of us can change to make this work. The issue is personal and not something that I can ever change.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Whether or not the OP is still listening, I think the right approach for him to contact his former gf is:
> 
> Dear GF.
> I'm sorry but I can't continue this relationship. Its not your fault in any way, its just that I've done some thinking and I don't think we can every be compatible. I want to end things now before we get even closer and cause even more hurt when it has to end. There is no way that either of us can change to make this work. The issue is personal and not something that I can ever change.


Very nice and very well said. 

Unfortunately, OP doesn't strike me as someone willing to display that level of sensitivity and tact.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

uhtred said:


> There are a lot of people who would make terrible matches. When you discover this early in dating, just thank whatever gods you believe in that you found out early, not late.
> 
> I can't relate to the OP's mindset, but I think the woman is very lucky to have found out early.


I absolutely agree with this. I much prefer prospective partners show me their crazy as clearly as they can, and as early as possible! But it's still disconcerting to encounter it. And it always makes me wonder just how many folks are walking around, seeming all normal and balanced and whatnot, with this sort of thing just waiting to jump out at you after a few dates.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sometimes I think everyone is crazy, and the goal is just to find compatible crazy. 

Good reason for people to try to be honest early in relationships. 




Rowan said:


> I absolutely agree with this. I much prefer prospective partners show me their crazy as clearly as they can, and as early as possible! But it's still disconcerting to encounter it. And it always makes me wonder just how many folks are walking around, seeming all normal and balanced and whatnot, with this sort of thing just waiting to jump out at you after a few dates.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

While it isn’t appropriate to speak to other posters rather than the Original Poster, I will answer the question put to me.

I am speculating regarding some of what the woman who is the star of this thread may wish to participate in sexually. It is based on the report by the Original Poster about her wild youth, and her request for oral sex along with the promise of great oral sex in return after just a few weeks of dating.

The things I mentioned are very mild, and included in the activities of many, if not most, people who are uninhibited about sex. I think she would probably attempt to lead him far beyond those mild things.

I do accept you wouldn’t make a movie of yourself and your husband for you two to watch later for your own fun. We travel in completely different worlds. I never deny the reality you know exists. But I am pretty sure that woman wouldn’t feel comfortable in your reality. I think she’s more like people I know.

And as I said, the things I mentioned are quite mild, really, for committed loving couples who are comfortable spicing things up.

Be well.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Gr155 said:


> Won’t be posting anymore, in fact you can delete me or ban me from here.


Don't leave. Let's get this back under control. Whatever is going on, it's clear you can greatly benefit from having someone to talk with. Let us help you out.

Just come clean about what's really going on in your life that made you start this thread, and I don't mean the story from your OP. Clearly you're hurting about something, and creating this thread is how you are trying to deal with it. Please, drop all this phony-baloney stuff and tell us what is going on in your life right now that made you want to start this thread. What went on in your past that brought you to this moment?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Others may have asked why they divorced but you were the only person who asked did she cheat even though the op said she had been faithful.
> Selective answering again Diana?


yes why did they divorce. many marriages end because of an affair as I am sure you know.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no issues at all with how people live their lives. If they choose to have many sexual partners and are ok with casual sex that's their choice, but they cant then be surprised if some other people aren't interested in a relationship with them. 
If that is '**** shaming' then ok(but that accusation is merely a way of pressuring everyone to agree that casual sex is ok). 

There are always consequences as to how we live, we have to accept that. For her it has meant that some men wont want a relationship with her, nothing wrong that that its their prerogative.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> yes why did they divorce. many marriages end because of an affair as I am sure you know.


For at least the third time,the op himself said she was a faithful wife and a great mother.
Your determination to paint this woman as an adulteress would be comical if it wasn’t so sad.
You need to look inside yourself Diana and ask yourself why do you have to cast aspersions on any person that doesn’t live up to your personal standards of behavior or morality.For a woman who claims to be a Christian your mud slinging is hypocritical at best and actually downright sanctimonious in my opinion.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
You throw more stones than anyone I have ever met, all the while hiding behind your holier than thou supercilious attitude.


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