# I don't think my brother should marry his partner



## Danny34 (2 mo ago)

Hello!

My brother is engaged and due to marry next year. They have been together for a few years and at the start she seemed lovely, but the last 3 years or so she has changed. She is really rude to myself and the rest of the family. She cheated on my brother (whilst they were engaged!) and she seems to be taking advantage of him (Having him cook for her, tidy up after her, take her to places even though she has a car, basically do everything for her whilst she just sits there). And she is so rude to certain family members, like she wont ever make eye contact with them whilst talking, leaves the room when someone comes in, and there's no reason for any of the rudeness as everyone is so nice and tries really hard to make an effort. As for the cheating, she was sleeping with someone over the period of a couple weeks or so. My brother told me about this at the time.

I feel like he is making a big mistake by marrying her. I believe that if someone cheats they will do it again, especially since they were engaged at the time. He does seem happy though and they both seem happy together, but I feel like he is making a mistake. She is so rude to others that it's causing tension and a divide within the family. What should I do? As one of the few that are aware of the cheating that happened, I feel some responsibilty and that I should speak up. His last relationship was also unhealthy and toxic but he couldn't see it at the time, he actually said he wished someone had pointed it out at the time.

Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Danny34 said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother is engaged and due to marry next year. They have been together for a few years and at the start she seemed lovely, but the last 3 years or so she has changed. She is really rude to myself and the rest of the family. She cheated on my brother (whilst they were engaged!) and she seems to be taking advantage of him (Having him cook for her, tidy up after her, take her to places even though she has a car, basically do everything for her whilst she just sits there). And she is so rude to certain family members, like she wont ever make eye contact with them whilst talking, leaves the room when someone comes in, and there's no reason for any of the rudeness as everyone is so nice and tries really hard to make an effort. As for the cheating, she was sleeping with someone over the period of a couple weeks or so. My brother told me about this at the time.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM.
You are right to be concerned, your brother will end up in a terrible marriage if this moves forward as it is now.

Does your brother know about the cheating?

How is your relationship with your brother? Can you talk to him about this?

Can you suggest he come here to TAM and ask our opinions?


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## Danny34 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> You are right to be concerned, your brother will end up in a terrible marriage if this moves forward as it is now.
> 
> Does your brother know about the cheating?
> ...


He does know about the cheating, he asked for me to not tell the family about it and only told me as I knew something was wrong.

We're pretty close and have a good relationship! Although her rudeness is effecting my relationship with him which is part of the problem. She is horrible to my partner, and it seems to rub off onto him, when they are together he can now be quite rude too which is completely out of character.

I could talk to him about it, just feels like a really hard topic to bring up and not sure how I would even start or how he would react


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Danny34 said:


> He does know about the cheating, he asked for me to not tell the family about it and only told me as I knew something was wrong.
> 
> We're pretty close and have a good relationship! Although her rudeness is effecting my relationship with him which is part of the problem. She is horrible to my partner, and it seems to rub off onto him, when they are together he can now be quite rude too which is completely out of character.
> 
> I could talk to him about it, just feels like a really hard topic to bring up and not sure how I would even start or how he would react


Yes, talking to him directly is a risk. If he responds badly, it could ruin your relationship.

However… can you accept the consequences of _not_ talking to him? Not only will he married the wicked witch but you will always wish you had.

I would suggest starting with “are you happy?” and “are you sure?” Kind of questions. Then “You don’t seem happy when she is saying xxxx about our family”. “Do you still have worries about her cheating?”. “Do you think she will cheat again?”

Let him set the tone but stay inquisitive and touch the exposed nerves. At the end you can be bold. “I think it’s a mistake”

This is your life with your brother. My suggestions are how I would handle it with a sensitive family member or person I wasn’t sure about how they would respond. Yours may need to be different, I don’t know.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Don't tell him what to do. Ask him questions. 

Ask how he feels about the cheating? Why he's putting up with this? Does he think it's OK for her to be rude? How he feels when she is rude? Does he feel cared for by her? What does she do for him? What does he get out of marrying her? 

Give him the chance to come to the conclusion that she's not a great catch all by himself .


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How old is your brother? Has he been married before?

He confided to you about her affair, so you obviously have a good relationship. I would definiately voice my concerns, but do it in a kind and gentle way. If you ask him "why the hell are you marrying her", it may hurt your relationship with him. But ask him questions and and offer your sisterly advice. Then continue to love him and make the most of whatever type of relationship with her that you can. Be the bigger person. But at the end of the day, he's an adult and can make his own decision. If their relationship is as bad as it sounds, the marriage won't last anyway.


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## Danny34 (2 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How old is your brother? Has he been married before?
> 
> He confided to you about her affair, so you obviously have a good relationship. I would definiately voice my concerns, but do it in a kind and gentle way. If you ask him "why the hell are you marrying her", it may hurt your relationship with him. But ask him questions and and offer your sisterly advice. Then continue to love him and make the most of whatever type of relationship with her that you can. Be the bigger person. But at the end of the day, he's an adult and can make his own decision. If their relationship is as bad as it sounds, the marriage won't last anyway.


He is 30 and it's his first marriage. Thanks for advice all, I'm going to ask him some questions this week and try to be gentle about it


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Danny34 said:


> He is 30 and it's his first marriage. Thanks for advice all, I'm going to ask him some questions this week and try to be gentle about it


I assumed he was young. Unfortunately, he's enrolling in the School of Hard Knocks. There's probably nothing you can say to make him change his mind.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Unfortunately only he can make this choice. What you can do instead is ask questions and see if he has an awareness.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like she is already fully aware y'all don't like her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Send him here.

Let him read the stories on here, especially those that are archived.

Let him start with the infidelity stories.

Sit with him and read them together.

He sounds like he has no self esteem.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You could share that she cheated with others in the family. It may hurt your relationship with your brother for a bit but might save his life from being ruined by this relationship. I might take that chance if it were my family member about to make a life changing mistake.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like she is already fully aware y'all don't like her.


How horrible of his family, right? Just because OP’s brother’s fiancé cheats, lies, and treats OP’s bro like crap, shouldn’t mean his family should be concerned, right? 🙄



> And she is so rude to certain family members, like she wont ever make eye contact with them whilst talking, leaves the room when someone comes in, and there's no reason for any of the rudeness as everyone is so nice and tries really hard to make an effort. As for the cheating, she was sleeping with someone over the period of a couple weeks or so. My brother told me about this at the time


Oh wait, OP’s fam has been NICE to her. What is it with you DBTR?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

You should stay out of it. It is his life. You should be grown up enough to let him live his life. 
Your attempt to dominate his life and dictate what choice he has to make reflects the toxicity in his choice of partner. 
She is only a reflection of the family he comes from and your urge to get involved in his choice of partner is part of it too. 

It is strange for a sister to try to influence a sibling and its relationship. 
He chose her because she is something he experienced and has become due to the family he comes from. 
Overbearing women who want him to do what benefits their well being. 

He has no balls because his family doesn't let him. You don't. He is a weak man and chose a weak woman because you try to cut his balls. Even if he leaves because of your interferance, he will get the next toxic woman unless he emancipates from you. 
Don't you have your own life to care about? Are you bored in your marriage that you have to post in online forums to seek help for your brother to live the life you want him to live?

You don't even trust him. You think you are wiser then him and you think you know what he needs and wants. Do you want him to marry someone who is like you? Do you want to be his wife deep down inside?
Uncomfortable question, right? 

Your brother isn't perfect. Neither are you and your family and neither the women he'll love.
His women not liking his family is normal. They reflect his family of origin, his genetics and his urge to emancipate from his family or the females in it and he should be allowed to do so. But you are trying to interfere. What does it say about you???

You even say he seems happy. So why not let him be? Because you aren't happy?
A bit odd...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You need to stay out of it.

My MIL and SIL both tried to talk my husband out of me moving in back in the day, and it ruined his relationship with both of them. He's not seen or spoken to his sister in almost 8 years and sees his parents about twice a year.

While I understand your concerns, and agree that they're valid, it won't go well for you if you speak up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Danny34 said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother is engaged and due to marry next year. They have been together for a few years and at the start she seemed lovely, *but the last 3 years or so she has changed*. She is really rude to myself and the rest of the family. *She cheated on my brother (whilst they were engaged!)* and she seems to be taking advantage of him (Having him cook for her, tidy up after her, take her to places even though she has a car, basically do everything for her whilst she just sits there). And she is so rude to certain family members, like she wont ever make eye contact with them whilst talking, leaves the room when someone comes in, and there's no reason for any of the rudeness as everyone is so nice and tries really hard to make an effort. As for the cheating, she was sleeping with someone over the period of a couple weeks or so. My brother told me about this at the time.
> 
> ...





Danny34 said:


> He does know about the cheating, *he asked for me to not tell the family about it* and only told me as I knew something was wrong.
> 
> We're pretty close and have a good relationship! Although *her rudeness is effecting my relationship with him which is part of the problem. She is horrible to my partner*, and it seems to rub off onto him, when they are together he can now be quite rude too which is completely out of character.
> 
> I could talk to him about it, just feels like a really hard topic to bring up and not sure how I would even start or how he would react





Danny34 said:


> *He is 30 and it's his first marriage.* Thanks for advice all, I'm going to ask him some questions this week and try to be gentle about it


Let's start with the big question first. *What should I do?*

You should not try to stop or oppose his marriage to this woman at least not directly.

As others have said you can ask questions, you can also offer suggestions that might help their marriage last the test of time. If I were in your shoes, I would try to forgive this woman you don't like. She might be so afraid of you, your partner, and his family that she is reacting out of fear and hiding her own weakness with what you see as rude behavior. 

We have free will, which means we can make mistakes, even ones that will be painful and have long term consequences. Your brother has free will.

Based on what you have posted, I would suggest to him that he and his future bride do a set of pre-marital couples counseling sessions. Sort of a tune-up, to make sure the marriage starts off on the right foot. That way if there are any issues simmering under the radar there will be a change to bring them up to discuss. Telling your brother that clearing the cheating issue prior to marriage and possible children would be an important things to discuss. He has every right to forgive her, but the two of them should also establish boundaries about the future and what they consider cheating and what is not cheating, especially before they have children. 

Good luck, your options are limited


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

elliblue said:


> You should stay out of it. It is his life. You should be grown up enough to let him live his life.
> Your attempt to dominate his life and dictate what choice he has to make reflects the toxicity in his choice of partner.
> She is only a reflection of the family he comes from and your urge to get involved in his choice of partner is part of it too.
> 
> ...


 very hard words but true all the same , it is his life and if the OPS brother is like mine will not want any advice , 
my brother would tell all that his cheating low life wife is the best thing since toffee , 

he is happy with her and seems to not want to see what all the others see, it is his life stay out and be there if he asks you for help is all you can do


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Danny34 said:


> Hello!
> 
> My brother is engaged and due to marry next year. They have been together for a few years and at the start she seemed lovely, but the last 3 years or so she has changed. She is really rude to myself and the rest of the family. She cheated on my brother (whilst they were engaged!) and she seems to be taking advantage of him (Having him cook for her, tidy up after her, take her to places even though she has a car, basically do everything for her whilst she just sits there). And she is so rude to certain family members, like she wont ever make eye contact with them whilst talking, leaves the room when someone comes in, and there's no reason for any of the rudeness as everyone is so nice and tries really hard to make an effort. As for the cheating, she was sleeping with someone over the period of a couple weeks or so. My brother told me about this at the time.
> 
> ...


Never get involved in other people`s domestic dramas. If you interfere or once the couple kiss and make up you`ll be the one they`ll accuse of trying to destroy their relationship and unfriended by them. I know this happened to me when I supported my cousin when her husband was cheating on her. This was 30 odd years ago and her husband still holds a grudge against me.
You could tell your brother privately about your concerns then leave it at that.
Fools never use common sense or listen to good advice, they only learn from experience.
Not worth getting involved, let them sort themselves out.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> my cousin when her husband was cheating on her. This was 30 odd years ago and her husband still holds a grudge against me.


we have the same story in our family every one of her cousins have told her and she turned her back of everyone even the ones that know nothing about the cheating husband and don't care


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

@Danny34 You should most definitely speak up! The cheating part alone, for me, is a deal breaker. What he or you know about her cheating, I GUARANTEE YOU, is probably 5% of what really happened.

You have to explain to your brother that he is about to enter into a marital contract with someone who has literally shown him she is NOT marriage material. He is exposing all his assets and resources to someone who lacks basic impulse control.

Have your family and you schedule an intervention with your brother and let him know how you feel. If he does not come to his senses, ensure your parents shield all their assets from the future cheater-in-law and NOT pass any inheritance money to your brother because she will try and get her hands on it if they decide to divorce.

Your brother is looking at a future of misery is someone doesn’t put a stop to it. Someone has to make him come to his senses.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

family often see the gf not good enough and often see her to be 10 times worse than she is , 
of all the women her the amount that are fully and truly welcomed and they are all so open to the bf's family , 

often it cuts both ways 
they don't like me and I don't like them ,
it was all ways said never bring in a woman into a house with one like a mil or sister


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> family often see the gf not good enough and often see her to be 10 times worse than she is ,
> of all the women her the amount that are fully and truly welcomed and they are all so open to the bf's family ,
> 
> often it cuts both ways
> ...


She cheated on him while he was courting her.

I don’t think the “10 times worst” spin comes into playin this example. She’s shown the family she isn’t to be trusted and she’s acting like a spoiled little brat whose only emotional leverage is having the son’s/brother’s ear. Meaning she’s essentially telling his family “see, I can do anything I want with your little prince”.

I bet HER family would be ashamed at the way she’s really behaving.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

Don't get involved. I always tell people to see a relationship counselor. Don't get involved, be honest with your thoughts and opinions, if he asks, but don't get involved. My goal is this: Do what makes you happy and what feels right.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Danny34 How is it going? Did you have the conversation yet? How did it go?


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> She cheated on him while he was courting her.
> 
> I don’t think the “10 times worst” spin comes into playin this example. She’s shown the family she isn’t to be trusted and she’s acting like a spoiled little brat whose only emotional leverage is having the son’s/brother’s ear. Meaning she’s essentially telling his family “see, I can do anything I want with your little prince”.
> 
> I bet HER family would be ashamed at the way she’s really behaving.


My cousin's wife wasn't liked, but I never told him I didn't like her...and I maintained a relationship with both of them. It's not my job to judge...he had to see it for himself, and eventually he did. First, with her affair (she cheated on him), he got a divorce, then with his kids (he got custody because she would yell and hit them)...he had to see it for himself. Because sometimes, you're doing more harm than good, and sometimes people just need a safe place to come to and not feel judged. That's why I would tell them to see a counselor, because I''m not going to tell anyone they should leave someone and I'm not going to make anyone feel disliked, unless they did something really bad...when I saw her yelling and hitting her kids, that was enought for me. That was all I needed to see. I didn't want her around me after that.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

RoseyPosey713 said:


> My cousin's wife wasn't liked, but I never told him I didn't like her...and I maintained a relationship with both of them. It's not my job to judge...he had to see it for himself, and eventually he did. First, with her affair (she cheated on him), he got a divorce, then with his kids (he got custody because she would yell and hit them)...he had to see it for himself. Because sometimes, you're doing more harm than good, and sometimes people just need a safe place to come to and not feel judged. That's why I would tell them to see a counselor, because I''m not going to tell anyone they should leave someone and I'm not going to make anyone feel disliked, unless they did something really bad...when I saw her yelling and hitting her kids, that was enought for me. That was all I needed to see. I didn't want her around me after that.


A relationship counselor isn't going to "fix" anything. The counselor's goal is, by default, to save the relationship, and in doing so, he/she isn't going to pick sides. And controlling as-holes do not change, they tend to replicate the same relationship patterns in every relationship they enter.

In order for her to change her attitude she would first have to do a rather intense amount of introspection, visit a psychologist regularly and then commit to the process.

Right now, she is in NO WAY fit to enter into a marriage contract. He will find out eventually, either the hard way (divorce) or by family intervention.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> A relationship counselor isn't going to "fix" anything. The counselor's goal is, by default, to save the relationship, and in doing so, he/she isn't going to pick sides. And controlling as-holes do not change, they tend to replicate the same relationship patterns in every relationship they enter.
> 
> In order for her to change her attitude she would first have to do a rather intense amount of introspection, visit a psychologist regularly and then commit to the process.
> 
> Right now, she is in NO WAY fit to enter into a marriage contract. He will find out eventually, either the hard way (divorce) or by family intervention.


It really depends on who they type of person they are...if someone is closer to their family, it might help, but if they aren't...don't cause drama....and honestly, if they're asking advise, 9 times out of 10, they're probably considering walking away. I agree, she cheated on him...but it's not our job to judge...and I'd rather my family feel safe and free of judgement than to make them feel like an outcast because of our opinion, and having been to counseling myself, I can most assuredly tell you, a good relationship counselor is going to tell the couple to consider a separation or a divorce. A good counselor will, and it was best advise she coudl have given, because it showed the course I needed to take, and it was my counselor who showed me why divorce was the best option for me and I couldn't be happier...and my family stuck by side through it all and I wouldn't ask this person to do anything less, because at the end of the day, that is her brother and she shouldn't put her feeling about his decision on him, because he probably has enough going on already.


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