# Asked him to leave on Saturday



## just_me (May 24, 2011)

I guess I am just realizing we are separated. We've been together more than half of our lives. We moved in together when we were 18, had our dd at 22 (married at 23) and now at 37, here we are. I asked him to leave on Saturday.

We have communicated through text and email and he is now admitting to being unhappy for a long time. Of course, I knew it and felt it for a long time, but he wouldn't admit it to me for fear of hurting me, or so he says. He seems to understand that not being honest was hurting me too.

I could go into detail, but from what I've read here, the details are all the same. I've felt like he wanted freedom from his family life for a long time and have told him so a number of times. He is finally admitting that it's true and that he feels like part of it (I am sure much of it) has to do with never having experienced adult life without each other.

I admit, I have thought about that too, and I don't hate him for feeling that way. Right now, I just kind of hate that he couldn't be honest with me, until I told him to leave and get his head sorted out. While I have had fleeting thoughts of what it would be like to live alone, I never acted in a way that pushed him away because of it.

I love him and he loves me... so why is this so hard?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

just_me said:


> I guess I am just realizing we are separated. We've been together more than half of our lives. We moved in together when we were 18, had our dd at 22 (married at 23) and now at 37, here we are. I asked him to leave on Saturday.
> 
> We have communicated through text and email and he is now admitting to being unhappy for a long time. Of course, I knew it and felt it for a long time, but he wouldn't admit it to me for fear of hurting me, or so he says. He seems to understand that not being honest was hurting me too.
> 
> ...


I guess all marriages get into a rut after a few years. One of the couple changes (such as our case) and all of a sudden you have nothing in common. Another reason is getting married too young OR married your high school girlfriend and have not experienced any other relationship, and now they want to experience it.

There are many reasons why this happens not to mention the financial aspect of it. But lost of love is NOT always the reason for the separation or even divorce.

Wife and I still love each other ... we just can't live with each other. Living together but living separate lives makes for a stressful environment. I tried it for a few years, but at the beginning of this year, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I asked wife it there was a way we could make this marriage more livable and she opted for the divorce. Now she says that she just wanted a separation, but her attorney talked her into the divorce. Sez it's less complicated.

She wants to remain friends and she comes around quite often, so even though we're divorced, there's still a glimmer of hope.
We'll see where it ends up .. but right now I think we made the right decision. 

The point is .... it's NEVER over while a spark still burns.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Justme I understand how you are feeling. I told my husband to leave 8 days ago. You can find more if you look on my threads.

Our problems have been that he wanders a bit, as he feels he needs freedom. I have been controlling over some things such as not wanting him to join the territorial army (although I proposed this last October).

Anyway husband has said that feels we have made each other into people he does not (like me ), orrecognize (him), by our behaviours. After 7 months of this discussion his self esteem low Iasked him to go.

He has gone (10 minute walk away!) wants us to get on, thinks we could be happy separate. No plans for divorce, or reconcilliation. I think he loves me, and I think I love him. I have to say after the last week or so, I would not want him back right now, but then that is not a possibility. We said we might meet end of week, but I don't know if I want to. He is in contact each day with our daughter, but we are not contacting each other much. For now I think that is ok.

It will be hard for you, as there are no real concrete things for youto say why it happened and it does seem a shame, however space and time may be what is needed. You will both change now, and grow.

Just try to live your life as if you will be single now, so you do not have high hopes. There is the whole future, you can work on things if you both want to. 23 years does not disappear over night. I read this site every day to remind myself to stay strong, as I am not finding it easy. Take care.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Reindeer, I do the same. Reading consistent remarks helps me rebuild the healthier frame of mind I used to have. I'm going through the transition of life without him. I have to put aside the happy remembrances and focus on the stresses & unfair ways so that I can get through the detachment from him. It's hard because there were so many fun and close times between us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

just_me said:


> I love him and he loves me... so why is this so hard?


Because you're human. Heartbreak sucks no matter how you slice it. You guys have been together for a long time so it will sting. 

Start thinking practically. Do something good for yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> I asked wife it there was a way we could make this marriage more livable and she opted for the divorce. Now she says that she just wanted a separation, _but her attorney talked her into the divorce. _Sez it's less complicated.


Wow. So she makes huge life decisions because an attorney she talked to sways her one way? The mind boggles.



Kauaiguy said:


> The point is .... it's NEVER over while a spark still burns.


I agree.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, KG and JB, an attorney talked her into it because it's easier.....for who? for him? Wow, I gues in spite of my wanting to go bungee jumping in the remote hope that the cord would break, I am really lucky compared to some of you folks on here. We are leaving the attorney out of our divorce; and our son is an attorney (although thank God a patent attorney and not a divorce attorney!) so I can't be too cynical with attorneys. yeah, we figure that the attorney is going to try to sway us in some way; don't know what that is but we've got it figured out all the way down to our work benefits, retirement, insurance policies, and beneficiaries. So as for just_me, I can relate; we had issues with that when we were about 40 but somehow, we managed to survive it - we got past it (been with each other since we were 14 yrs old). Now the problem was that I did not give her enough effection and I was too negative about things in general so it was stressing her out and causing anxiety - I saw it as Murphy's law every now and then, like when the car breaks down we you least need to to. You know, everyday crap that happens to everybody. I had to be the one to deal with fixing the car, making the calls to where ever you had to be, etc. That's just one example, anyway, i am ranting. 

KG said it right - _"The point is .... it's NEVER over while a spark still burns."_

Oh yeah, one more piece of advice I would like to leave you with. If either one of you gets into a relationship of any kind, EA/PA, with another person; you will more than likely never get over it. Fight for your marriage, don't accept it if he wants to "try being in other relationships to see what it is like." Sooner or later, both of you will pay the price for that. Find ways to get the spark back. Stay true to your marriage if you both really want to keep it.


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