# stbxw called angry that I told her family about PA



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Last night I decided to tell Brother in law my side of the story to help explain why I've acted the way I have since wife's PA. I told him the whole truth but didn't go into graphic detail and suggested I am a little concerned about her safety cause I am (though can't really tell if its justified). I guess he confronted her today, wife phoned and was really p!ssed, said I was creating all kinds of drama, and that she wasn't happy with me putting her family and friends in the middle of this, would be like her telling my family and friends about all the little things I did to cause our marriage to fail. I tried to shut her down quick, told her I have every right to tell anyone I want to tell anything I needed to say to deal with my situation, that her family deserves the truth and that I wasn't lying or trying to drag her name through the mud. I told her she was free to tell anyone whatever she needs to in order to cope with her situation. I assured her I wasn't playing the victim here, that it was all part of the detachment process because her choosing to end our marriage also means I lose her family, and for me this was a little bit of closure, and that her family deserves to know the truth.

She tried to argue that she had already moved on from marriage and make it clear that it was over before pursuing OM#2 (admits OM#1 was a mistake and that she ended it bad, but doesn't seem to understand the lasting effects that betrayal has caused me, and I didn't really want to elaborate except to say it will take me a long time and that she took something that I will never get to have again). I told her if she feels no shame then why hide things, suggested she was still under the influence of a 
new affair. She said that these are good churchgoing people (ie the friends of OM#2) and they are not into dangerous situations, I asked how she really knew based on the 3 weekends she's spent with them, they live 5 hour drive away.

Argh, is it right for me to call OM#2 an affair even though nothing technically started until after she announced she had checked out and was through with marriage? <aybe she really has moved on, except why then cheat on my and try to minimize it - infact she even lied tonight when she said she ended it because I know for a fact she recently re-initiated contact with him. Even though it was less than two weeks since I caught and put a stop to first affair? Am I really out of my mind? I know that she had no intention of reconciliation, so is her justification fair? I don't even know the details and I want the truth so I can decide if it was an affair or not... Should I email? I don't want to be weak about this but she is now suggesting that this is a serious relationship and he wants to meet my son which for now she says she won't let happen. And I assured her I wouldn't let it, we seem to be on the same page for now but I don't know what happens if he pressures her.

This sucks, how do you deal with a wife who is in the fog of an affair but refuses to accept that explanation, she feels totally convinced that she is making all the right decisions and is finally happy for once. If she truly was happy I'd be glad for her it would help me move on, but I'm not convinced partly because my trust was shattered but also because I know she is purely following her emotions. I know its none of my business, I want distance myself but will always be stuck dealing with her "new" life.

Do I even try to cope with this or just retreat in an effort to be, and appear, strong and indifferent?


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

It is good that you told..you'd be suprised what excuses the spouse having the PA/EA can come up with when they 'explain' what happened to the marriage..I am just now finding out what my spouse had been telling our mutual acquaintances because I had not mentioned anything to anyone..I now tell my side of what happened to any of those she has talked to and they are very suprised and actually tell me "Now I understand why you have acted the way you did when you were first going through the break up"..I really had no idea she was putting the entire failure of the marriage on me in order to justify her reasons for leaving for another guy..but I know now I have nothing to feel shameful about so I can tell who ever cares to listen, my side.:smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks for reply MTG, i'm getting ancy, feeling like I've been unfair... I honestly don't know when exactly her affair with #2 started, don't know how they met but if was in person it must have been before I found out about OM#1. If I email asking for explanation is it even worth believing, and does it even really matter, is it ok for me to call it an affair and cheating even if it didn't technically start with this particular man until after wife said she was in the clear? Or does the fact that she cheated with one before starting with #2 just make this one big affair?? I guess I'm trying to figure out if I am right calling #2 affair in order to decide what my moral rights are when dealing with the pain of it, or has she just succesfully gaslighted me??


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Once is a mistake but twice is a cheater..I don't know how long you've been married but there could be a chance there are OM besides what you have found out...I actually started blaming myself when I first found out her reason for wanting to leave, I think it was a way to try to justify to myself why she left..but in the end I realized it wasn't all me and actually she was the one feeling shameful and that led her to try to blame it all on me..you really need to focus on yourself and getting yourself back together,,the toughest thing you will need to do to get over this a little quicker is to stop asking why she did this and what could she be thinking and what is she doing now...when you can do those three things you will be on your way to a better you..trust me I have been there and am almost back.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

in her mind the first time wasn't a mistake it's what she needed to convince herself she was happier not being married to me, then once she said she was checked out is when she have herself justification to move on to #2, so in her view #2 wasn't cheating it was pursuing her new life. of course this all transpired over the course of two weeks, and though i know she likes to move fast, I'm still convinced she is lying to herself and others because of the fog.

anyways I totally agree that I won't heal if I dwell on her, it's just I wasnt prepared to deal with her confrontation tonight, and caught myself second guessing. I definitely am willing to take my share of responsibility for an unsatisfying marriage, but not at all for her cheating, nor am I convinced that this new relationship isnt just an extension of her first affair. There is just no way to make her see that, she just keeps trying to blame me, it's bloody frustrating.

Thanks for your voice of reason, absolutely I was right to tell her family and absolutely am I right that this#2 guy is still an affair, hard for me to call it cheating but I think it really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Well, my answer is: If you don't want people to know you did something stupid, DON'T DO IT. My ex was telling me not to tell people about the girl he's with because he wanted to protect her. I said "Shoulda thought about that before you decided to have an affair on me". I'm like you: I am willing to take responsibility for the things I did wrong in the marriage, and if he wants to take out an ad in the paper about it, I really don't care. But I was faithful. He was not. His family knew about it because I told them, too, and they were pretty peeved with him. Now he's not speaking to his dad because his dad told him to grow up, man up, and not leave his family. Spiteful? A LITTLE.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks WS... yeah it is easy for me to realize now that I was within my rights, but when wife is confrontational on phone standing up for myself is just not as eloquent as I'd rehearsed in my head. I think I was still able to hold my ground but we agreed to disagree on what her relationship means... she doesn't think what she is doing is "stupid" or shameful she thinks its wonderful (ie the OM#2 which she has somehow justified was not cheating), so I questioned why she hasn't told her family - her response: I have they know I'm in a new relationship (only because her step-mom could see through the lie and called her on it), her Brother didn't know though, so I asked why she was ashamed to tell him, she said she wasn't it was just too much personal information to be sharing with them... I called into question her support and she is convinced her new friends, ones who haven't known her very long and don't even know me, are going to be there for her she even tried to convince me that her older friends all know, but she really has been hiding so much from most of those who were in her life before our marriage started going sour.

It is easy to stand back now and judge her actions, but when she is so convincing on her stance on the phone it is really hard to be the firm one, how the heck does she have that power of me, its the same power that shuts me down when she's around me in person. Or its just the fog is so thick even I am having a hard time seeing through it.

I told her outright that things are going really well in my life with her not in it, and its only when she is present that I feel so stifled with everything, she said she's glad and she figured I would (I guess I just provided more justification in her mind for her actions, argh) I guess this is when we are betrayed like this we say nothing to the wayward spouse, don't give them any room to shift the blame.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you for exposing the affair(s). And don't worry about her anymore. The fact she is still getting defensive shows that she knows it is wrong, and has to keep justifying it in her head. The truth hurts.

I wouldn't speak to her about it again.

This whole part is her trying to rationalize her affair away. It's sad, really. She still won't own it. 



Lon said:


> *She tried to argue that she had already moved on from marriage and make it clear that it was over before pursuing OM#2* (admits OM#1 was a mistake and that she ended it bad, but doesn't seem to understand the lasting effects that betrayal has caused me, I told her if she feels no shame then why hide things, suggested she was still under the influence of a new affair. * She said that these are good churchgoing people (ie the friends of OM#2) and they are not into dangerous situations, *I asked how she really knew based on the 3 weekends she's spent with them, they live 5 hour drive away.


No more talking to her. She can't even own the truth or be woman enough to say what reality is.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah I know I'm overanalyzing, I have been good about not doing that lately but then her call last night triggered it again. She is so convincing, and I know she feels right about things now, I just wish she had some forethought about her choices because she will be forced to own it when she gets there, and it will probably still affect me no matter how much distance I can put between us.

But I digress, I'm done with her anyways.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She may try to "convince" you but you know the truth. And the thing is her little excuses and rationalizations are BS. 

Don't talk to her about anything BUT the kids and the legal stuff. 

Remember: you can't FORCE her to own or do or say or try anything. That is all on her.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks JB! I know the truth and part of that includes me being far from perfect, so what though I was loyal and devoted and didn't just walk out when things seemed too tough. I also know the truth that I deserve to be treated with respect, as I always treated her, not looked down upon by my own spouse. Will definitely be better off without her.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I went through this too with my WH. His sister is family law. she was the first person I reached out to after Dday. I needed advise. She was really there for me, for she deals with this stuff in her career. His mom, bc sister,myself, and his mom talk all the time. I didn't want his sister and mom not to be able to have honest contact. Cousin, who is my best friend,who house I was at during the hours WH OW was txting, (demanding I know the truth so I can make sound choices... nice of her... ) Cousin couldnt understand why WH was to nasty in attitude . 3 people.

WH has 2 best friends who he confident in, each told their wives. It doesn't matter, in his mind he feels I told the world and his family thinks the worst of him, he is humiliated... My answer to him was , "Hey buddy, Don't even come near me about humiliation.... F*** U"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. You don't need to be with someone who won't own their half of the f-ckery and is still making excuses and trying to minimize the damage the affair caused. 

I wouldn't bring it up with her anymore but if she starts yelling at you again about how wrong you were for spreading lies about her (and she may) then tell her 

_"Stop right there. You and I both know the truth and the truth is you had an affair that was detrimental to our marriage. I will not discuss this any longer with you."_ 

And hang up or change the subject.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Right on jellybeans !!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I have never told anyone in our families about her EA/PA 11 years ago. I had promised and agreed with her that we would never expose that to anyone we know as I forgave her and moved on (I have a serious problem breaking promises that I make, no matter what the situation since I feel that if I lose that, I have nothing to hang my intregrity on). No one knows about this except for you folks on here and a MC we had gone to back then. But that was 11 years ago and nothing has been mentioned of it since then. Now, whenever she talks down to me or belittles me and seems to always forget about the thousands of positives things I gave her, I have this urge to just let people know that I have been putting up with a lot more pain that she ever says she got from me. As a matter of fact, in the last two days she has been so angry and rude that I have finally wthout a shadow of a doubt, let her go. It was only yesterday and her ugly comments about me that I realized that this is not the woman I married and that she has truly checked out and is speaking to me as if I was a complete stranger - actually worse than a complete stranger. It is so weird but I am counting the days until I can move on to bigger and better things. I never thought it would ever come to this, not after such a long marriage.

Anyway, what I wanted to point out here to Lon is that you did the right thing telling everyone because she can say anything about why she left the marriage including what a bad husband you where and how you couldn't meet her needs as wife, blah, blah, blah. Well, you took that out of the equation - GOOD FOR YOU!!! I am handcuffed to do that because I gave my word although I wish I could - but I won't.

My family, her family, and our friends don't have a clue as to her PA a few years back nor do they have a clue about how she put me as #2 in her life for almost as long as we've been married. She probably didn't see that, nor intentionally saw that she put me AND the kids #2 when it came to her family but that is the point, she never realized that.

The next time she talks to me rudely or disrespectfully, I am going to put my foot down but still take the high road - I will ask her nicely to either talk to me, in a civil way, about business, or if she is going to say something ugly - don't speak to me at all! And just walk away.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Brighterlight: You are a better person than me. I'm mad enough I'd rent a billboard. But, I don't have to as we are in a small town, the right gossip knows, and the news has spread......Yay! 

I don't know how you move on from that kind of betrayal. I know I will have to for my kids' sake, but right now every time I see him I either want to slap him or cry. 

My ex and I had extensive e-mail conversations, not face-to-face. I'm too emotional to do it, and not strong enough frankly to not breakdown and beg him to come back. My head knows I'm better off without that in my life (a 40 year old guy whose only friends are girls under 30), but my heart would do anything to get him back. Not a good place to be.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Brighterlight,

Your message made me sad. Correct me if I am wrong, but did you say her affair was 11 yrs ago? So please tell us who are trying to figure out which way to go, hindsite, how hard of a road is it?

I don't understand why we who were cheated on, pay the rest of our lives trying to make the cheater feel ok ? I don't get it.

~sammy


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