# Such a well trained dog I am



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

ok so anyone who read my posts yesterday knows that my stbxh and I "spoke" if you want to call it that. He threatened, said cruel things, demanded, pouted and then hung up when I wouldnt agree to paying the car payment on the car he's driving. I kept the van which is paid off. We just recently bought this other car back in Nov. 

Maybe it's because today is the anniversary of my daughters birthday....she was born premature and lived just three weeks...
or maybe it's because I'm just so well trained to do what he wants to gain his approval of me....or maybe I'm just masochistic I don't know but today I called him *again* stating that I knew most of his words were BS....and stating that I missed the man who would make it a point for us to go to my daughters graveside and it wasen't even his daughter...I miss the man who was so excited about my going back to school and would tell me how he was going to be in the audience cheering me on the loudest (After a 20 yr break I went back and am graduating with a degree this May). I told him that I hoped he would really reconsider what he was saying he wanted...that financially neither of us could afford to live apart without suffering, that I would probably be starting to work more hours during my interning and that left the kids home alone way more than I would of ever wanted...that he could be there with them and we'd still have lots of 'alone' time....that I knew we couldnt go back...and wouldnt want to but we could go forward....start something new and better if he would just agree to try.. Then on my way to college today, I paid his car payment...
I try to tell myself I was just being kind...trying to stay the person I am...nice. But if I'm honest I did it so HE would think nicely of me...which he probably won't.....he'll probably think I should of done it....after all he supported me for all these years blah blah....

Well it's done....and of course there is no call back nor is he here waiting for me with open arms...

I guess I will chalk it up to my good deed for the year and move past it without too much self bashing. 

Argh....is anyone else such a needy compulsive caller with their stbx? I keep saying I won't do this again...not after this was said or that was said....and the next day there I am...begging for more...gawd


----------



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i don't have a need to call my stbx but i started emailing him and deciding to stop because i see nothing changes, we get nowhere. 

and i'm very sorry about you losing your daughter. my sister lost hers at 9 months old and i can't imagine having to grieve that, especially with stbx.


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I am you to a tee. Everything I did, I did for her. Tonight I made myself dinner.. She came in, (I always cook, and I mean always. She has NEVER made me a meal) and looked at me with those two blue eyes that melt me and asked if she could have some of my hand made cheese filled ravioli.

I let her eat a week ago when she did this, but today.. I don't know why, but I said no. I guess knowing she is sleeping with someone else makes those blue eyes look more like daggers, but so be it. It went like this....

Her "Aww, that smells so good. Can I have some?"

Me "No, it is for my lunch tomorrow"

Her "Oh, I bet that makes you feel real good not feeding me"

<She kinda chuckled here, almost like we were still together, two companions joking around>

Her "I bought the ingredients grocery shopping!!!!

Me "Yeah, with the money I earned at work"

Her "That is OUR money!"

Me "Exactly, this is OUR food"

She ate cheese and crackers, and I know she hated it. 

She is cake eating with me. She is getting emotional needs met by another man, along with her intimacy, but I know from the bottom of my heart she has not started grieving the loss of me and once I am gone, she will see all the things that I did for her... The laundry, Dishes, Dinner, Bathe Daughter and put her to bed every night, and the conversations that will be no more... I like to think she is going to miss me...

She will know one day that I did my part in this marriage, she didn't do hers....

Moral of the story, cake eating does nothing but hurt you. We have to stop enabling these people and letting them fill those small little gaps that we fill for them, themselves. We are the ones missing them, they never get a chance to miss us because we just can't help but still love them even though the literally [email protected] all over us.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Well I found out today....after paying the car payment and making the phone calls...and stupidly actually feeling good today....that he has been seeing someone else. He has a facebook and today he changed his relationship status to "in a relationship with......" her name and picture and their 'anniversary date' All the times I asked....up until yesterday....begged him to tell me....he always denied it...and I stupidly accepted it....continued to ask him to not give up on us....his family. I called after I saw that...hysterical...his mom answered....when I said I wanted to speak to him she said "he doesnt want to" I said too bad....and then broke down and said did you know he was cheating on me...that he wont even come see his child? she told me to shut up....Oh shut up her exact words....then he was on the phone....calm as could be...no emotion....everything I said he just came back with "I told you it was over....I dont have to answer to you anymore....its all your fault anyway...you were a ***** our whole marriage.....and it goes on.... I feel just empty tonight...I really thought he loved me all those years....I really thought he loved his child so much. I hate him for hurting me like this...today....I hate his family for always thinking whatever he does is ok....for always letting him stay there no questions asked...he's 43 yrs old!  I hate him for ruining every moment we had and tainting it with this.... I hate myself for letting him hurt me so much during our marriage and always trying to fix it...give him another chance and then he does this!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

At least now you know what you need to do - right? No more doubts - no more indecision - wondering if one more chance will make a difference...

And don't hate yourself...the worst thing you may have done was hold on a bit too long...as so many of us have done.

Sorry...and good luck.,.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

You're right....in a way it's kind of freeing. No more sticking my head in the sand...no more denials that this is happening. Time to start fighting....standing up for myself and my kids. Starting with child support...going to find out tmw how to get that in place asap


----------



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I am five days in finding out about the other guy. It hurts like the ****ens, but again atleast we get all of this crap out of the way early on and not drag out this process.

We get to close the book now... We just gotta do it.


----------



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I'm sorry you're having to go through this...how people can just turn off like they do and somehow make this ok I'll never understand.

I'm with you though...in a way this was 'good' as it rips the band aid off....no more fooling myself that we can reconcile...no more doing stupid things like paying his car pmt to win his approval...no more. 
Today I am filling out paperwork and taking it to the court for child support/custody.


----------

