# Best approaches to counteracting WS's demonization of BS to others



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I've seen people struggle on here with exposure and how to speak to family members. What are some insights people her can prescribe?

I'm guessing in most cases, the families know the BS to be a responsible, upstanding person, but there's always that "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" hook the WS can use. They will not be immediately inclined to believe these things but at the same time there's the bias towards believing a loved one. 

How do you best counteract the claims that you were 'always fighting', 'separation had been talked about', you were 'mean and controlling' and many other untruths that are put out there? Especially when there's the tendency for the WS to hint that the AP is some kind of KISA or otherwise a 'saviour' to their 'marital problems'? Should you get as much intel on what the WS has said, or point to the WS's radical changes in behavior, give details of the affair, what? How do you get across the insanity of what the WS is saying versus the reality of what existed?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

74 views - no responses!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I've seen people struggle on here with exposure and how to speak to family members. What are some insights people her can prescribe?
> 
> I'm guessing in most cases, the families know the BS to be a responsible, upstanding person, but there's always that "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" hook the WS can use. They will not be immediately inclined to believe these things but at the same time there's the bias towards believing a loved one.
> 
> How do you best counteract the claims that you were 'always fighting', 'separation had been talked about', you were 'mean and controlling' and many other untruths that are put out there? Especially when there's the tendency for the WS to hint that the AP is some kind of KISA or otherwise a 'saviour' to their 'marital problems'? Should you get as much intel on what the WS has said, or point to the WS's radical changes in behavior, give details of the affair, what? How do you get across the insanity of what the WS is saying versus the reality of what existed?


I think this why it is always advised to get as much intel before exposure. Voice recorder, printed, pictures, third party corroboration. Anything you can.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

PUA look to be a KISA, then become POSOM until their SO hears of it through exposure and evidence. Family will tend to listen to whom ever brought up their side of the story first to them. The BS has an uphill battle at this point. Covert Evidence gathering and 180 is necessary. Expose before SO can spin something. Timely exposure with facts has to happen.

OK, did I get enough TAM TLA and FLAs in to qualify for a prize..?

The books recommended at TAM like MMSLP, NMNG shed light on the issue. It's really about taking ownership, power and emotions out of the WS sails. The BS is perceived by the WS as standing in the way of their happiness.

Plan and strategize. Weightlifters epic saga put him back in the drivers seat. He played chess while his STBXW played marbles.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What if they've exposed themselves? The affair is known but they are controlling the message. "We were having issues, I was unhappy, I met someone, etc."


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Fairly easy. Why did they not want to divorce first then seek happiness. Cheating is simply wrong regardless of why. It is a behavior. There is no justification. 

You're then just dealing with the hamster rationalization. 

Even if one can justify cheating(impossible) - understanding why does not justify such evil. Ever. 

Review the cheaters scripts and educate those who've been lied to.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

In most cases, I think either there becomes a disconnect due to the unwillingness of the family to accept that one person could perpetrate such behavior and their willingness to defend the actions to the death or due to the fact that no value or worth is assigned to having these people as confidants ,after the exposure has occurred. Either of these situations causes the relationships to be strained and eventually ended as the trust is broken jet as it is with the WS. It is easier to move on knowing that they will no longer be a part of one's life and causing untold grief.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> In most cases, I think either there becomes a disconnect due to the unwillingness of the family to accept that one person could perpetrate such behavior and their willingness to defend the actions to the death or due to the fact that no value or worth is assigned to having these people as confidants ,after the exposure has occurred. Either of these situations causes the relationships to be strained and eventually ended as the trust is broken jet as it is with the WS. It is easier to move on knowing that they will no longer be a part of one's life and causing untold grief.


I'm not sure I understand this post. Do you mean from the BS's point of view?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yes from the BS viewpoint. Generally the WS doesn't really have a leg to stand on, as they were the one that did the belittling and spreading of lies, so they need to either make it right and eat crow (as they know the truth) or cut those people out of their life until they can support the BS correctly (assuming that R is the desire). The BS must decide whether the negative opinions of others are worth fighting for. In my case, they weren't as the others were just as heinous and uncaring as the STBX was and cutting them out of my life was easier and less painful than trying to "win" back their love and support (which you more than likely never will as what was said will always be the elephant in the room, just like the A will be to the couple).


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

This topic is what encouraged me to poke around CWI, after I followed a few posters over here from Sex in Marriage. I have a friend who went through this 3-4 years ago. I didn't know him then, but we have since become friendly. 

His wife had an affair, lied to his face even when he had evidence (I think the MC agreed she's an accomplished liar), and then we he decided on divorce, he had once-upon-a-time friends say "I'm supporting your wife." He says he responded "and therefore you can't even say hello?" To me, he can now say -- my wife cheated on me, lied about it, I'm getting divorced, and these people want nothing to do with me." Usually women (whose husbands were silent during it all.) One husband friend told him the wife didn't think he should have gotten so mad at his cheating (now ex-) wife. "I shouldn't be mad?"

Here's what he's done -- explained the truth -- including the hurt and pain -- to anyone who will listen. If former friends don't hear his side, don't want to hear his side, don't care. . . well, they are former friends for a reason. While karma has begun to turn in his favor, the real change is him -- he knows the truth, he tells the truth to anyone who asks, and he's rebuilding/has re-built his life. He has to deal with his ex about the kids (and a bunch of other crap -- she's vicious), and with her family a small bit. 

He has internalized the truth, he has friends who know the truth. Beyond that, he's at school events, sports, dance. . . he knows he has a place, and he doesn't care about anyone who thinks less of him based on untruths. 

it's a good plan.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay. Interesting.

What if you are on good terms with your in-laws? You know they 'know' about the affair but they have no reached out to you? You were expecting outrage and support, but no calls or emails. Potentially they are confused, hurt, don't know what to say or do to make it better. 

Do you quiz them on what they know? Tell them of the changes which have taken place which you now see the affair as causing? The irrational behavior, the poor decisions, the short sightedness and pain the WS is causing. By asking them for support, what are you asking them to do? What is the best thing they can do? Tell the WS they love them but they don't support what they are doing?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I've seen people struggle on here with exposure and how to speak to family members. What are some insights people her can prescribe?


Well first, I'd decide who to expose TO--and I personally recommend BS parents, WS parents, BS siblings, WS sibllings, pastor or minister or spiritual leader, lifelong friends, BS employer and IF IT IS AN AFFAIR AT THEIR WORK the WS's employer. Tell people who will be affected if there is a divorce, and tell the BS employer because (understandably so) your productivity is going to plummet and if they know why, you may be able to keep your job. 

Next, I'd decide WHY you are exposing. If the long-term goal is to end the affair and reconcile, then I *STRONGLY* encourage exposing as soon as possible. Well honestly I encourage going to the WS, showing them a portion of the proof first, telling them you KNOW and that is not the discussion, and asking them outright to end all contact right now. Then I encourage going to ONE person who probably carries the most weight with your WS and showing them a portion of the proof and asking for their assistance. THEN...expose A.S.A.P. and expose thoroughly. 

There's no need to bad mouth or blame ... shoot there's really no reason to go into "why" it's happening at all! Here's the facts: we had some issues prior to the adultery, but right now WS is actively unfaithful. While that's the case, they will not be using marital funds to finance infidelity, they will not be moving you out and moving their affair partner in, and you ask right out for people to assist you in encouraging your WS to end the affair and honor their marriage vows. Today. 



> I'm guessing in most cases, the families know the BS to be a responsible, upstanding person, but there's always that "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" hook the WS can use. They will not be immediately inclined to believe these things but at the same time there's the bias towards believing a loved one.


Here's the way it usually goes down: the families at least *think* they love their child/sibling (the cheater) and may or may not even like the spouse (the BS). Thus, some families have twisted morals and tell the cheater to "do what makes them happy"--and there's nothing the BS can do about it. The family may be too afraid of "losing their child" to stand up to them and tell them to knock it off and behave properly! That's their issue, and you can't fix what's broken if they don't want to face it. 

So the way I look at it, you aren't there to make them "see your side" or "force them to do it your way" or any of that. All you're doing is counter-balancing the web of lies we know the cheating spouse is going to weave (to justify their adultery) with THE TRUTH. Then people have the facts, and they can choose if they want to be honorable or not. If they don't, that's their loss, not the loss of the person who spoke the truth. 



> How do you best counteract the claims that you were 'always fighting', 'separation had been talked about', you were 'mean and controlling' and many other untruths that are put out there? Especially when there's the tendency for the WS to hint that the AP is some kind of KISA or otherwise a 'saviour' to their 'marital problems'? Should you get as much intel on what the WS has said, or point to the WS's radical changes in behavior, give details of the affair, what? How do you get across the insanity of what the WS is saying versus the reality of what existed?


I think if you go into counteracting their claims, you get into essentially a "He Said/She Said" battle and how can people who aren't involved tell what's true and what's not? They can't! 

Thus, I'd suggest three things:

1) Expose BEFORE your WS has a chance to weave their web of lies if you can!! If you can't, WHEN (note, I didn't say "if" because the WS is going to justify their affair), your WS starts in on the "we were always fighting" or "s/he was controlling" I would say something like "We did have issues, but we could have honored our vows and worked through the issues had there not been adultery. Issues is one thing--couples can work on issues in their marriage--but infidelity is a marriage killer, and I did not do that."

2) Regarding the Affair Partner (AP) being a Knight In Shining Armor (KISA), I would say: "A person who knows someone is married, and behaves in such a way as to break up the marriage and destroy a family, can not be a person of high character or a KISA. If a person really was 'of high character' and heard that WS and I were having issues, they would encourage the WS to work on the marriage and go to counseling and MIGHT recommend a good counselor or point to 'a place I heard had some good help for saving marriages.' It is virtually impossible to be a person who's 'saving the day' whilst simultaneously encouraging someone to do what they know is wrong and destroying a marriage and a family. A true friend encourages someone to do the right thing, even when it's hard, and encourages someone to build love into their marriage and strengthen their family."

3) Let your life tell the truth. There's the way it is: WS's lie. They are going to lie and you can't stop them. Thus, for a while they will attempt to spread their lies wherever they can, and if you try to "counteract" every lie, you will just be playing their game. Rather than playing tit for tat and trying to respond verbally to every lie they spread, I strongly suggest that the BS just doesn't get entangled in that drama, just keep on being the kind of person that is honest, honorable, and doing the right thing, and just keep your mouth shut. Let your LIFE tell the truth. 

Yes, for a little while it will be awful to feel like your reputation is being pulled through the mud and you're not defending yourself, but it doesn't take long and eventually people begin to see "Huh...she accused him of anger and raging but all I ever see is her screaming and blaming him, and he keeps his cool," or "You know, he keeps saying she was controlling but all I ever see is her staying out of his business even though he keeps butting his nose into hers." See what I mean? The VERY BEST WAY to counter their lies is to live in a way that's completely opposite to everything they are accusing you of!!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think that it depends on if R or D is in the mix. Being on good terms with the in-laws can be a matter of viewpoint. It could mean you are close and have a good relationship, and it could mean that your are just cordial at events. I had the latter, and now have no relationship, as finding out what they know is key to deciding where to proceed. In my case the MIL was well aware of the situation fully, hid it, encouraged it, belittled me to others, and even watched the kids so the STBX could carry on with the OMs (even going so far as to discipline the children about bothering, as they "need to leave Mommy alone so she can have alone time with her friends." Yep, great role model there and one worth trying to salvage a relationship with all while being nice and cordial to my face.

Removed from my list of friends, families, and acquaintances pronto on D-Day. I have enough confidence and other issues without worrying about reconciling a relationship that shouldn't be. Each person needs to survey their situation and decide for themselves what is best, most logical, and possible (what they can live with). That is the easiest way to move on.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Personally, I just left and told everyone to kiss my azz. No one can live "my" life for me and since I never had their support nor acceptance anyway, I told them to "keep it". I will save my soliloquy for THE judge and keep my side of the story on a NEED-to-know-basis. I just let them all go. Who was never for me "showed up" from the woodwork and were promptly discarded including the pretenders - Trust me, I have enough wisdom now to know who they are and I tell them to their face who they are...I draw the line in the sand when I spot them a mile away. That way, they know who I am and they know I know, who they are. I simply declare it. 

No more "fakeness" tolerated. I am and have been weeding out all who were/are not for me. I only have room for those people who are for me...If you are not an asset, believe me, you are a liability. That's my new motto in life. I did a complete overhaul of my life...No more drama.

Taking this stance is very painful and difficult but their reaction to me was adding further insult to injury. But, hell I came into this world alone and I will leave alone. I have come to terms with death, so nothing matters, except to live a full, free life...No more pleasing anyone, no more guilt, no more shame...I am innocent after all. My innocence was severely broadsided and used against me by this man who called himself my husband. After surviving that, there is nothing I can't conquer in this life.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

The more you protest to people, the more you end up looking bad. Like my x-wife. The more she opened her mouth and badmouthed me, the more people disliked her and thought she was trying way too hard to make a case against me so she wasn't seen as the town slvt.

I didn't have to say a word.

Her mother even sided with her and supported her affair with the OM because it made her happy :rofl:

So when I finally was divorced from her, he clocked her a good one, then her mother came crying to me about it. Told her I don't want to hear it and she made a wise choice in a man for her daughter, and to not call me again.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Yes, for a little while it will be awful to feel like your reputation is being pulled through the mud and you're not defending yourself, but it doesn't take long and eventually people begin to see "Huh...she accused him of anger and raging but all I ever see is her screaming and blaming him, and he keeps his cool," or "You know, he keeps saying she was controlling but all I ever see is her staying out of his business even though he keeps butting his nose into hers." See what I mean? The VERY BEST WAY to counter their lies is to live in a way that's completely opposite to everything they are accusing you of!!


Well, there is the emotional roller coaster, the shock, the PTSD. Those things will cause raging at times, and blaming of course. I suppose it depends on the maturity level of both parties, and how much of a violation the affair was (bringing AP into the home, for example).

But how will the family know the BS's activities if they are not in regular contact with that person?

And how do they counterbalance the lies with truth without asking what the family has been told? That would obviously lead to he said / she said. Certainly the family has no TAM education and doesn't understand the intricacies of affair 'fog', blame shifting, TT'ing, compartmentalization and all that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

staystrong said:


> The affair is known but they are controlling the message. "We were having issues, I was unhappy, I met someone, etc."


If that's the story they a putting out there, why is it wrong? What if that's exactly the way they feel? 
Just because you're the BS doesn't mean they are required to keep their mouth shut and youre only get to present your side of the story.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> If that's the story they a putting out there, why is it wrong? What if that's exactly the way they feel?
> Just because you're the BS doesn't mean they are required to keep their mouth shut and youre only get to present your side of the story.


uh...

Okay, they felt that way but what did they do about it?

Did they talk to their partner?
Did they demand counseling? 
Why didn't they divorce if there were real problems?
Why the deception, betrayal, neglect of children, etc?

They will say "I tried to talk, he wouldn't listen" and they never did. Or they suggested MC once in passing and when asked why it was needed, didn't provide a real answer. Or they did IC, didn't mention the A, and didn't like what they heard so left. Or they started being cold to their partner but citing depression, work stress, etc. The list goes on. But in their heads they'd done so much, yet in reality done so very very little. None of it was natural, all of it influenced by the A. Catch my drift?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

And what the heck does "unhappy" mean anyway?

That is the most vague phrase ever used.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> If that's the story they a putting out there, why is it wrong? What if that's exactly the way they feel?
> Just because you're the BS doesn't mean they are required to keep their mouth shut and youre only get to present your side of the story.


Because they are whitewashing themselves to save face...Hello? A majority of the villification of a BS is a bunch of lies coming from a narcissistic coward who has no feelings above the navel. Hope that registers for you. What are you? Their savior? Ohhhh...Let me guess, you are a WS. Point proven.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

When my ws left she immediately went on the demonizing spin of me. I found in my case that sticking with just the facts and not delving into the bickering and fighting about who was right or defending a position was the best course of action. 

With friends and acquaintances I often would just say here is what she claims is happening, then I would tell them that she was having an affair and moved in with the OM the day she left. Told them flat out I didn’t want to debate the subject and they could believe whatever story they wanted. My stbx was quickly in ever bar and club in town with the OM going out of her way to paint me as a monster and people saw thru the nonsense pretty quick. 

With her family I knew they would rally around her no matter what. I have seen all her brothers and sisters go thru several divorces over the years so I knew how the parents would react. I exposed, gave them just the facts, I even gave them pictures and all they said was I made it up. That was there choice to bury there heads in the sand. If they want to believe me the monster she claims let them. 

When my brother got divorced he was on excellent terms with the in-laws. He stayed friends with the FIL for a short time but it was tearing that family apart with some siding with her and some with my brother. My brother decided to just step away from the FIL and that family just because of the constant drama it was causing.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Best approaches to counteracting WS's demonization of BS to others*



staystrong said:


> I've seen people struggle on here with exposure and how to speak to family members. What are some insights people her can prescribe?
> 
> I'm guessing in most cases, the families know the BS to be a responsible, upstanding person, but there's always that "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" hook the WS can use. They will not be immediately inclined to believe these things but at the same time there's the bias towards believing a loved one.
> 
> How do you best counteract the claims that you were 'always fighting', 'separation had been talked about', you were 'mean and controlling' and many other untruths that are put out there? Especially when there's the tendency for the WS to hint that the AP is some kind of KISA or otherwise a 'saviour' to their 'marital problems'? Should you get as much intel on what the WS has said, or point to the WS's radical changes in behavior, give details of the affair, what? How do you get across the insanity of what the WS is saying versus the reality of what existed?


Frankly I've never really cared what anyone thought of me so anything a WS would do wouldn't matter to me at all. And those that really know me wouldn't be swayed by any false rhetoric. Those that are swayed I would cut out of my life pretty quickly. It would be one of those situations where you truly get to know who your real friends are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The more they say, the less they are believed, in some cases. They over-egg the pudding and people stop believing them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Be honest. Own the part you played. Tell as little as possible. Don't bother explaining. Accept your part. Forgive yourself. Know that no one is perfect. What I did/n't do in my marriage may seem insignificant to me. Everyone is different. My WS thought it was a big big deal. It's her opinion. I have my opinion. We all know everyone has one. So, don't fight it. 

Above all, get help from a counselor if at all possible. 

Much of this will be irrelevant to someone who is really seriously emotionally and mentally harmed. You will not be able to follow much, if any advice. Meds and doctors are what you need. 

For those who gathered evidence, there likely won't be much talk. If there is, you have more to expose. 

This is coming from someone who knows many of the wrong ways to do things. I've posted the things I did not do or did not do well. The things I did were not very helpful, so these must be better.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

staystrong said:


> But how will the family know the BS's activities if they are not in regular contact with that person?
> 
> And how do they counterbalance the lies with truth without asking what the family has been told? That would obviously lead to he said / she said. Certainly the family has no TAM education and doesn't understand the intricacies of affair 'fog', blame shifting, TT'ing, compartmentalization and all that.


You know, these are some excellent questions. In a way it seems obvious that if the WS's family only knew the real true facts, that they would clearly change what they think and/or how they act! Right? Like "If they only knew what was REALLY going on, they would see that I'm right and s/he is wrong!" 

:rofl: :lol: 

In real life, the WS's family has issues and baggage and stuff just like anyone else. Sometimes people have a tendency toward unfaithfulness because in their families they learned that if they whined long enough, they'd get what they want...or if they weren't "happy" they could do anything and mom or dad would cover for them. Sometimes the families are dysfunctional, and one of the parents is an alcoholic and the other is in denial. Sometimes one parent is controlling and the other is co-dependent. So for the family to address the WS's issues, they'd have to face their own, and they just won't. 

Plus, look at it this way. Suppose your own child grows up and marries a person whom you're not nuts about, but who seems okayish and you try to grow to like them. A couple years later, you don't know what your child is like in their own home or marriage--you don't know what's going on behind closed doors--and you come to find out your own child is cheating. As a parent, you'd probably not be okay with that *AT ALL*...but it's also your child. What are you going to do? Turn your back on your own child and let their "sort of okayish spouse" be your best friend? Probably not. Even if you were a healthy parent, you'd tell your child what they're doing is wrong, and you'd stay in their life and keep telling 'em that. You would gradually become less and less involved in their spouse's life even if they were "right" just because they're not your own child. And even if you utterly 100% disagreed with your child, hey it's not the first time a child did something their parents disagreed with!!! 

Finally, just one human being to another, think of the couples we've seen here on TAM where one comes and tells their side of the story, and we all believe them (or at least take them at their word). Then along comes their spouse and tells THEIR side and it's 100% different than what the Original Poster said...or the OP left out **significant** details that utterly change the situation!! Two people are going to have two differing points of view and two differing versions of the truth, even when they are "in love"--and if they are NOT in love, the two viewpoints are going to be even more divergent! So if one spouse tells "their truth" and the other tells "their truth" and the two truths are completely different--how is a parent or sibling or someone supposed to just "tell" which is actually true and which is a lie? I mean they can do some fact finding and see which version is closer to the facts, but beyond that, they aren't magic and can't really tell.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I think we must make peace with the idea that the truth will not immediately prevail and that we can't make everyone choose our side. (irks me because I loathe cowards who won't stand up for what's right)

I would be very hesitant to plead my case to any listening ear because it seems so needy that it's counter productive. I would prefer short statements such as "I'm divorcing her for infidelity". I would never say "we are getting a divorce". 

I think one of the best ways to preempt the demonizing would be to blindside the cheater with divorce papers while simultaneously exposing in a concise manner and then immediately going dark. 

Often the best defense is a good offense. 

As for those who take the cheaters side I say good riddance. Glad they had the opportunity to show their true colors so I don't waste any part of myself on them in the future. 

21 years ago my best friend cheated on his wife and five young kids, got the other woman pregnant. I told him how disappointed I was in him and how his rationalization was a bunch of crap. I went dark on him and haven't seen or talked to him since. Good riddance.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I initially went through this when my x asked for a divorce. She tried to demonize me. Had me so confused cause it was out of nowhere that I started questioning my own sanity. I really did...had I really become a bastard she described? I thought we were happy. I was blissfully happy.....wtf. All mutual friends were on the we aren't taking sides approach to things.

Then I found out about the affair and I exposed big time. Like a fisherman with a prize deep sea catch I proudly called everyone I knew and told them about her affair and what a **** she was. Not her mother though I made her call her or I told her I would post it all on Facebook.

In the aftermath all the mutual friends we had abandon her. Some of just her friends also abandon her. The only one who sided with her is her cheating mother. Like some female posters on TAM she is of the it's all mens fault women cheat type mentality....so no great loss there.

So for me it's simple you expose. Anyone who is going to side with someone indangering their children and cheating on their spouse is not someone I would want in my life as a friend anyway.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I found out during the divorce process that my WS had basically been bad mouthing and demonizing me for _years_. It's one of the ways he began emotional affairs and picked up women for flings. Apparently there's something appealing about a poor beleaguered man whose wife is a vicious, frigid, harpy with zero personality and nothing in common with his fun, freewheeling self. 

So, when we divorced, he sheepishly admitted to people that he'd cheated on me. They all understood. After all, he'd been suffering through my bad behavior and ill-treatment of him for years and years. Of course people bought the story that he'd just finally broken down and made a tragic mistake after so many years. Who wouldn't? That I was leaving him over 'one moment of weakness' was just more proof of what a terrible person I was. 

That none of it was true was pretty irrelevant. I didn't even bother talking about what had happened beyond my own family and closest friends. No one else would have believed it anyway. But I also didn't feel I owed it to him to lie for him, support his stories, or cover for him. If anyone asked me direct questions, I answered them honestly. 

And, as time went on and I began interacting socially with more people, his version of events began to sort of crumble. I'd been very isolated during our marriage. Once more people got to know me, many were really surprised to find I wasn't evil, or boring, lazy, psycho, or even particularly rigid or un-fun. The news that he'd actually been a serial cheater for at least 14 of our 16 years of marriage also began to trickle out. It was pretty shocking to those who'd bought his tragic mistake/moment of weakness story. I've lost track of the people who have actually come to me over the last several months to apologize for believing what my ex-husband had said about me over the years - that I'm nothing like he described. He's also started being less careful to hide his darker side from others. He's managed reveal himself as narcissistic, manipulative, lying, cheating, and generally a high-maintenance friend who takes more than he gives. He's alienated a good number of the people who initially supported him.

While it's a little vindicating, it's also not something I much worry about. I figure anyone who wants to stick with him deserves him, and the people I care about already know the truth. It's not worth the time or emotional energy to be concerned about actively combatting anything.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> You know, these are some excellent questions. In a way it seems obvious that if the WS's family only knew the real true facts, that they would clearly change what they think and/or how they act! Right? Like "If they only knew what was REALLY going on, they would see that I'm right and s/he is wrong!"
> 
> :rofl: :lol:
> 
> ...


Good response.

What if the WS has cheated before in a prior marriage or relationship? And this time children are in the picture? Wouldn't some butt-kicking be called for?


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

I had hidden video clips, texts, emails, and audio recordings of my ex wife's affair. I stayed quiet on the entire matter until I had an apartment ready. I crafted an email to all family and friends, and continued to wordsmith for many weeks until it provided exactly the right message. I found an apartment to move on to, and waited for my ex to go on a business trip. She was gone a few days, and during that time I completely moved out. After I was fully into my apt, I found my laptop, logged into my email, and emailed EVERYONE that mattered. This included marital friends and family, her friends, my friends, her AP's wife, and all coworkers that I knew (sent directly to their work addresses). I also copied my ex on this, to be "fully transparent"...

At the time, I didn't know what (if any) fallout would occur. I later discovered the following...

1. Many of the coworkers she was with on her business trip received this email on their cellphones during the trip, causing tremendous embarrassment to her... As I used work emails for her colleagues, I wasn't sure if they would get blocked in the company spam filter. Turns out, they all got thru (her boss included)...

2. Resulted in nearly immediate alienation of one of her brothers, her sister, and a number of other family members from both sides. Her mom won't talk to her anymore.

3. Several family friends reaching out to me - who were up until this point starting to "take sides" with her. They apologized, and stated that they had no idea of the anguish that I had been thru. Several of them remain my friends to this day.

4. Quick response from her employer (several of her team was included in my response), in which they determined that she was abusing work privileges to support her affair. She was reprimanded within the week, and ultimately terminated a few months later.

In never found out what happened with the AP, but know that he eventually got kicked out of his house, and eventually married my ex. They live together, but are both unemployed and "miserable" from what I've been told...

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you as it had (for me) the desired affect. Until that point, she was poisoning friends and family with deceit. It wasn't until I blasted everyone with video, audio, and scanned texts / email (I.e. Indisputable proof of the affair) that she had nowhere to hide. 

Further, it infuriated nearly all on distribution as it indicated that she was lying to them. She lost many friends, and several family members who were close don't talk to her anymore. 

My advice.. ..collect Intel, remain quiet, and when appropriate apply full transparency/disclosure. If done correctly, it will almost immediately dispel her lies, and in the process show your ingenuity and discipline while under tremendous stress. 

Best wishes in these tough times...


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
what of this applies to you??? I assume you have been cheated on. are you still with your wife? is she has poisoned some in her family against you or shared intimate details with them, one condition of R should be that she clean all of that up. e.g. take full responsibility for her adultery, apologize to you and them for misleading them. she either does that type of "cleaning" - to your satisfaction - or R is off the table. only other alternative I can see is you refusing to have further interaction with her family, which strictly speaking is not a requirement for marriage anyway.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> what of this applies to you??? I assume you have been cheated on. are you still with your wife? is she has poisoned some in her family against you or shared intimate details with them, one condition of R should be that she clean all of that up. e.g. take full responsibility for her adultery, apologize to you and them for misleading them. she either does that type of "cleaning" - to your satisfaction - or R is off the table. only other alternative I can see is you refusing to have further interaction with her family, which strictly speaking is not a requirement for marriage anyway.


My marriage is long over. This was for other posters I've seen. 

I am not fully aware of what she told them, and I don't think they would have told me everything she said. She got to them first and very quickly, when I was still stunned and unsure of the details or what to expose. Long story, not worth repeating.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Just be the better person. Your actions will tell the story.


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