# Forgiveness



## OH-WHY-O? (Jul 30, 2010)

My therapist and I have been discussing forgiveness in our recent sessions. For some reason I have really started taking this to heart. 

When I found out about H's affair in June, all I could feel was pain, rage, more pain, anger, still more pain, fear and then more pain. As I began to do some reading and research about affairs, those emotions began to fade - just slightly, but they did. The movies in my head started to go away. The obsessing about every detail of the affair did not consume every waking moment. I did everything wrong with my H in the beginning - vowing to change, yelling, crying, telling him I loved him, all the things I now know only pushed him farther away. Knowledge is power, people - the more you know about what you're up against, the easier it is to manage. 

I am, by no means, an expert on this subject. This is all new to me - I never thought this could happen to me. I thought our marriage was happy. My world has been turned upside down. Everything I believed in is lost. But the more I read and the more I understand, the stronger I get. I now see the problems in our marriage before the affair. I recognize and accept my part in those problems. My H didn't feel needed at home. I took care of everything and he just lived here. The OW is damaged and unhappy - he was trying to save her. She needed him. And he enjoyed that. After doing a lot of reading, I understand that he speaks a different love language than me. I was showing him love the way I understood it and he just didn't get it. That is on me. And I can change that. 

So can I forgive him? I'm trying. I need to forgive him as much for myself as for him. Our marriage is still in shambles. We are separated. He is still in the affair fog. And I still love him. My therapist told me about the REACH approach to forgiveness. I am Recalling the hurt - I think about all those initial emotions. I think about all the days and nights of crying. I think about why I felt those things. Then I try to Empathize with him. He was lonely in our marriage. He didn't feel needed. I can see that now. He needed someone to put him on a pedastal. I wasn't meeting his needs. He made bad choices. And I understand why. I don't condone it, but I understand. I am now trying to give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness. I think I'm stuck on this phase. I'm not quite ready to do that yet. I'm digging deep and I'm trying, but I'm just not ready. But I believe it will come. And once it does, I will Commit to that forgiveness and release all the pain and hurt and anger and then I will Hold on to that committment, for me and for him. 

Our marriage may not survive this. He very well may decide that he no longer wants to be married to me. That is his choice to make. But I will be able to look people in the eye, especially my kids, and say that I tried everything I could to make it work. I also realize that I will need to forgive OW. She seems to be a very unhappy person, in life and in her marriage. I am not quite ready to start the process with her though. I still resent her - what gave her the right to impede on my family? Sleeping with a married man ain't going to fix those problems. I harbor a lot of resentment toward her. But for me to move forward from this, I will eventually have to forgive her. 

I believe this experience has already changed me. I want to be a better, stronger person. And I want to be a better wife. I don't know what my H wants at this point. But I have to make these changes for myself and myself alone. I have to forgive him in order to do that. And I will, in time.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Thanks for the update and your thoughts.

Look after yourself


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## patientone (Jul 31, 2010)

Well written. Thoughts are with you and hoping for the best possible outcome. Keep your head up...your thoughts sounds like you are on the right track.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Working on yourself is what you should be doing.....I think you have to get stronger each day and understand all the facts and then see what you can live with....
He hopefully is doing the same thing......trying to figure out what is best for him.....
All you can do is be the best you can be, you will be able to hold your head up high and look your children in the eye in the end whatever that is.......
I hope things work out for your marriage, but it doesn't mean life for you stops, keep an open mind and see what life has to offer you......


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Think about you and your son first. I asked the same question and my friends all told me that it is too soon to think about it. Take care of what is in front of you first, then maybe further down the road, you will be able to forgive.


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