# Didn't I love him enough to embrace all of him?



## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

I have been married to a man with strong narcissistic tendencies for 20 years. We dated long distance, I was 26 he was 56. He was charming and very handsome. I fell for his looks but never liked his personality right from the beginning. But I married him anyway and have 2 beautiful children.
He loved me the best he knew but at the same time he emotionally and verbally abused me for years. Almost every argument we had he shared with his step sister. He didn't know what boundaries were.
About 7 months ago, I found out that his step sister whom I always welcomed to my home with open arms and treated her *with nothing but love and kindness whenever she visited our home, accused me of being a gold digger and scolded my husband on email for having children with me "You gave her children", she wrote. *I decided to divorce my husband because he felt that his step sister and him were entitle to say, accuse or call me anything they wanted since it was between the two of them. I grew up with different values; my mother taught me to not trash people even if they don't hear me.
I thought I make the right decision for the kids and I but I am feeling very guilty divorcing this 77 year old man. I think my guilt stems from not being able to accept his behavior for 20 years. I keep asking myself, was it because I didn't love him enough to embrace his behavior or was his behavior too unattractive and abusive for me to love him enough to embrace all of him? Is there anyone out there as confused as I am in your abusive relationship?

. Is it normal to feel this way when someone is going through a divorce?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know why you married him to begin with if you didn't like his personality. I also don't know why you would have married someone you only knew from long distance. But I'm sure you had your reasons and it sounds like there was plenty of reason to leave him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to understand why you married a man 30 years older who you didnt even like. 
Then you had children with him and expected him to magically change. 
It was never going to happen.


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## MissJan21 (Jan 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard to understand why you married a man 30 years older who you didnt even like.
> Then you had children with him and expected him to magically change.
> It was never going to happen.


I was/am physically attracted to him. He was and still is the most attractive person I know. I didn't have much experience with relationships and I thought that I would grow to like his personality and that love is enough to have a loving and caring marriage until he needed to appear a better parent than me to the kids, he started calling me names in front of them. Sadly, I had no idea it was abuse and I let it continue for about 3 years. He changed for the worse, I took him to a psychologist for cognitive screen and his step sister called that 'manipulation'. The test results were all normal which means it's just his normal personality.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MissJan21 said:


> I was/am physically attracted to him. He was and still is the most attractive person I know. I didn't have much experience with relationships and I thought that I would grow to like his personality and that love is enough to have a loving and caring marriage until he needed to appear a better parent than me to the kids, he started calling me names in front of them. Sadly, I had no idea it was abuse and I let it continue for about 3 years. He changed for the worse, I took him to a psychologist for cognitive screen and his step sister called that 'manipulation'. The test results were all normal which means it's just his normal personality.


Marrying someone purely for looks is highly unwise. It's a persons character that makes or breaks a marriage.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

You mention you dated him long distance, are you from another country? That could be adding to the step sisters feelings about you. Sounds like you're doing the right thing leaving this toxic family. Good luck to you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You married a man who you dated long distance, is thirty years older than you, and for his looks. You were behind the eight ball from the start.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm 57 and if one of my age-peers was schmoozing up a 26 year old, I would thwop him upside the head too if he started talking about marriage and kids etc at that age, so part of me does side with the SIL. I mean WTF??? 

I don't know if I'd call you a gold digger per se, but very long term sugar baby maybe. He should have stuck with paying you with designer hand bags and car payments though, it would have been a lot cheaper in the long run. These middle age guys that plant babies in younger gals is an alien concept to me. I just don't get it. The only good that can come out of middle age is being done with kids, but whatever. 

But anyway listen, the past is the past. The rest of your life always starts today. He got 20 extra years with a hot, young chick so he got his. 

You're now in the prime of life and can do what works best for you. If you want your freedom and want to start a new life for yourself, you need to cut the cord now before he has a stroke or something and you are stuck changing his diapers and wiping the drool off his lips at 46. 

You've had 20 years of being taken care of and provided for by a Silver Fox. Now you're at a cross roads where you can either live your own life while you have some life left in you. Or you can stay and take care of him until he passes by which time you will be old and starting to fall apart yourself. 

The choice is yours.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

sideways said:


> _*You married a man who you dated long distance, is thirty years older than you, and for his looks. You were behind the eight ball from the start.*_



Seriously. This type of foolishness and bad choice after bad choice after bad choice sounds like a Lifetime movie or a soap opera plot.


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