# Is this an EA?



## Not Happily Ever After (Aug 18, 2012)

Hello,

First time poster, been lurking a few days. I guess my story isn't that different from some of the others here - married nearly 10 years, together 20, seemingly good marriage. I noticed a few months ago that his cell phone was never out of his sight, but honestly didn't think too much of it. Then I got the nagging "something isn't right" feeling, so I checked the cell phone history. Over 600 texts in one month to two girls who work at the gym he attends.  The texts seem to have begun three to four months ago.

I was able to finally get my hands on the phone earlier this week to find that almost all the messages to and from these numbers were deleted. The few that I did see were mostly innocent, except one joke about boobs. So I confronted him and he gave me the "just friends" speech, that he's helping them with their own relationships (one, by the way, is married and is having an affair already ). He said they exchange funny jokes and e-cards, and that one of them (the married girl having the affair) shares the same sense of humor as he, and folks at the gym call them "twins." issed: Needless to say, that didn't go over to well with me....

I think the frequency of the texts and the secrecy tells me this is atleast an EA with the married girl, maybe both of the girls. At first, he thought I was crazy when I mentioned this was infidelity, but an article I gave him after the fact seems to have changed his mind. He swears that nothing physical has happened, nor does he want it to, and I may get bashed for this - but for reasons I wouldn't rather get into, I do believe him here.

He is staying away from home for a few days (my idea) and he seems to understand that what he was doing is wrong and wants to make things right. He told me within 24 hours of me confronting him that he will end all contact and do whatever needs doing to save our relationship. 

My questions to you:
1) IS this an EA? He keeps saying he didn't think the communication he was having with them was wrong. 
2) How do we move forward? I want our marriage to work, but the trust is gone. 

Thanks in advance for reading this and your replies. 
PS - I did just buy "Not Just Friends" and plan on reading it ASAP.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Most everybody here will say that it is an EA.

I have a few feale friends that I may talk about thngs that I shouldn't Yes, by the standards here on TAM it is an EA. 

For me though it woulb be an EA f the possibility was there for a PA. In my case, I don't tink there is or will be.I just want their advise on things. There is a fine line. I know if my wife knew what I talked about, she wouldn't be to happy.

Is what he did worth ending your marriage? Let him make it up to you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, I think there are several definitions of an EA, or emotional affair.

One definition is, they haven't slept together. (Or, they haven't physically touched, or they've 'only' kissed, etc.--a sliding scale.)

Another one is, they're emotionally attached. As in, infatuated, as in, they think they're in love.

Now, I'm not saying someone couldn't be "in love" with two people at the same time, or maybe 3, but usually it doesn't work that way. That sensation is generally reserved for one person at a time. So, based on this 2nd definition, even though he's texting at a rate of 100's of texts per month, I would say no, this isn't an EA, this is him likely sexting / stringing along, in the hopes of getting laid, two girls at the same time. Perhaps an EA under the first definition (IF he hasn't slept with either one) but not under the second.

If you were able to read the texts, then it might change things. It might turn out that he's emotionally attached to one of them, and the other one is...chasing him and he isn't fighting her off very hard? A f*ck buddy / potential f*ck buddy? But still, usually when you're infatuated with someone, you think they hung the moon, and you start to exhibit loyalty to them.

Inappropriate relationships with more than one woman, especially at the same time, doesn't really sound like an EA to me, but it does sound like a serial cheater. And serial cheaters have serious issues. They just do. They are either narcissists who feel entitled to lots of attention from lots of women at the same time, or they lack self-love and need lots of validation from lots of women at the same time. Either way, they need a lot of therapy, and they aren't just going to "snap out of it."

Most people struggle mightily when they uncover an affair, if it's their spouse's "first" and they can be certain of it, because the $64,000 question is: are they ever going to do it again. Either break up with you for their AP, or find a new AP. Who knows??? Really, only time will tell. But you don't have this issue. So you get to skip ahead to, my spouse is almost surely a serial cheater, in which case, see the paragraph above.

As far as it not being physical, you really ought to tell us your reasoning. Not because we are curious (ok, we are), but because the people on this board have "heard it all," and may be in a better position to assess whether your theory holds water, or not.


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## Still Knight (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm sorry but I've never gotten a woman's number out somewhere I attend, for the sole purpose of establishing a friendship through texts. The one woman I was texting, was someone I was having an EA with that turned physical when a kiss happened at work one day. We texted I'd guess around ten times a day, the same as your husband to just one of the women.

Unless he's really out of it, he knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise, he would have have mentioned it to you by now, right? I mean he's been communicating with them that long for months now. I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but there's waaaaaaay more to this story. As I've found with my wife, a lot of people will only confess to specifically what they've been caught on and that's it.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

DON'T let this go, no matter what you do. It is cheating. If it wasn't, nothing would be hidden from you. Just because he acts all remorseful and apologetic to your face doesn't mean much IMO. Actions speak way louder than words.


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## Still Knight (Jul 28, 2012)

To finally get my wife to confess to the fact she was having an ongoing affair, I had to basically bluff. I told her I knew what was really going on between him and her, but wanted to hear from her the truth to see if she was still going to sit there and lie to me. It worked. 

I did have a revealing picture she had taken to go on, and some other things that had led me to believe she had at least been behaving inappropriately, but the whole story would have only come out because of the bluff I'm afraid.

You may want to consider trying that if you're unable to gather anymore solid evidence of an affair though. Something my therapist pointed out to me was that I discovered everything because my gut was telling me something wasn't right, and it usually will. You just have to learn to trust it no matter how hard the other person tries to "gaslight" you or tell you you're being paranoid or overbearing.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Not Happily Ever After said:


> Hello,
> 
> First time poster, been lurking a few days. I guess my story isn't that different from some of the others here - married nearly 10 years, together 20, seemingly good marriage. I noticed a few months ago that *his cell phone was never out of his sight*, but honestly didn't think too much of it. Then I got the nagging "something isn't right" feeling, so I checked the cell phone history. *Over 600 texts in one month to two girls* who work at the gym he attends.  The texts seem to have begun three to four months ago.
> 
> ...


Is this an EA? Not enough information to tell. You would need to see the content of their communications. However, it doesn't look too good. 

1. He guarded his phone.

2. He deleted the texts. Now he could lie to you about their content and no one would be the wiser.

3. He admittedly was giving advice to a married woman about her "relationship?" Was he advising her on how to cheat? He didn't think any worse of her for her cheating, right? After all, he was still her good friend who texted her 600 times per month. That sure is a lot of advice (oh yeah, e-cards and funny jokes, too). *How does he feel about affairs?*

4. He deleted all of the so-called "funny" jokes (except for the one about the boobs- makes you wonder how really, really "funny" the other jokes were).

5. He deleted all of the e-cards. Why would he be sending them e-cards?

6. The clincher: 600 texts to two girls from the gym in a month.

*Cheaters are liars.* Assume everything he tells you is a lie, UNLESS it is supported by actions. Has he quit the gym yet?

Would it make you feel better if he sent them a "no contact" letter telling both of them to never contact him again? Has he given you passwords to all his accounts? Is he willing to let you look at his phone whenever you want?

Regarding e-cards, I don't know a lot about this, but with at least some e-cards, aren't they stored on the website they are sent from? Or that possiblility at least exists? I would pursue this, next time you are together with him, insist that he show you the website where the cards were sent from and see if any are saved there. If you know (or can guess) where the e-cards were sent from, you could probably get in using his email address and guessing the password.

You say you think you can rule out physical cheating for reasons you don't want to disclose. With the situation you describe, it would not be uncommon to discover physical cheating. It is typical for the cheater to give you "trickle truth," admitting to only what you know already, then letting out more and more of the truth only after you find out for yourself and confront.

*I can tell you this: Him claiming that the texts were all "advice," "funny jokes," and "e-cards" is almost definitely a lie.*

If I had to guess what the content of the messages were, I would guess that they were messages about how hot they thought each other were and what they wanted to do to each other.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

I agree with everything Iheartlife said. I don't think it's an emotional affair because he is dealing with 2 women. It sounds to me like he is bored and going through a potential midlife crisis. He is working out and meeting new women and he likes the attention and being "naughty". I don't think that's enough for you to get divorced over. Some marriage counseling and spicing things up should fix this.

You really need to clarify why you feel so sure that he would not be physical with one of the women. If you are saying this based on appearance then you could be dead wrong. Men may only marry a certain type of be seen in public with a certain type of person, but what happens behind closed doors can be a whole different story; i.e. weight, race, even gender...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Try the Shirley Glass quiz --> *Here*
Anyhow was wrong, he didn't tell you, he knew was wrong, he deleted the texts...
Betrayal, boundarie crossing. I really give a sh1t about labels.


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## Not Happily Ever After (Aug 18, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for the replies and advice. 

He has agreed to a no contact letter and has deleted them from Facebook. Gave me all the passwords and will give me the phone whenever I ask for it. He is also cancelling the gym membership. 

I do tend to agree with the "bored/midlife crisis" theory, as we've been together since we were 16. Not justifying the situation in any way though. We spoke this evening and before he left, I told him that his actions will always speak louder than words, so in order for me to be able to move forward at all, his actions will have to significantly change, and pronto.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Well, I think there are several definitions of an EA, or emotional affair.
> 
> One definition is, they haven't slept together. (Or, they haven't physically touched, or they've 'only' kissed, etc.--a sliding scale.)
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I totally agree. I do not see this activity as an EA. It is more inappropriate / unfaithfulness. Possibly a guy looking to score. This is infidelity.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Are you setting up any counseling? He needs IC and MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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