# I want out but I want my Son



## transitioning (Jun 15, 2012)

Been married 2 years have a 1 year old and I'm in the military service. Throughout this marriage and during time that I recently spent deployed to OEF, I have been constantly accused of being a cheater and I am never trusted or believed. I can honestly tell you that I have never in this marriage or any of my relationships gone past a handshake with another female while in a relationship. I go straight home after work, rarely go hang with friends and if i do she has to come with our i will go through hell.... and I have removed nearly all contacts with almost all women(some who are good long time friends that ive had no intimate contact with) that are not blood related to me just to earn a tiny sliver of trust. Constantly she is disrespectful and insulting in very cruel ways for example.... While I was deployed she was upset that I had wasn't responding to email as quickly as she desired, and would flip out in insulting ways. Particularly I remember one that was along the lines of "How do you feel about another ***** holding your son?", as a threat to leaving me... all with her knowing the love I have for my boy.

This is not the only reason that I am seeking divorce. She does nothing to support the household, if she does make a dime it quickly gets spent on things that she doesn't need like more clothes, perfume... Things of that nature. She has had multiple jobs that she has decided not to continue due to reasons like, she doesn't like who she works with or in her eyes everyone is out to get her.

Also, she is not a people person and I am a very kind southern type person that will be friends with everyone. Many of my friends, family(of which she almost single handedly ruined my brothers wedding by making a scene over a petty thing) i am sure don't like her. She is rude to everyone including all of my neighbors that I would love to become friends with but am too embarrassed to speak to them because of her.... even if i did she would accuse me of wanting to screw every woman on the block and that is not exagerating. This is to the point that when I leave i'm going to leave anonymous apology letters on their doorsteps. While in public if there is another woman near whether ugly or pretty, if i don't look at the floor or the other way she will accuse me of staring/wanting her too. And I hate that cause i would normally give a genuine greeting and go on about my business whether or not it was a man or woman cause that's who i am.

Meanwhile, I don't have many rules for her besides no clubbing and bars because were married and weve moved on from that.... but i'll let her go hang with her friends or go to the gym or whatever... the gym here is known for cheating spouses etc... Now if I were to ask to go there it would be a different story... She may come home and laugh and tell me about some guy that was looking at her and her friend or hit on them... but if i told her that I opened the door for a female all hell would break loose.... 


there are more details of this marriage but i would crash this site if i put them all up... but I want a divorce. The issue that I am having with it is she cannot support herself and my son even if I gave money to helpout for HIM. As stated before I want my son with me until he grows for the following reason...

I am a black and white man who grew up in an all white family(not that i am racist, i love both sides of my family but it was hard with dealing with other people seeing that while I was younger). I did not meet or hear my father's voice until i was 21 and was deployed to iraq(my first deployment). She is aware that I do not want my son to grow without me under the same roof as him... i don't cry but the thought of it can make me. I don't know what do, I am unhappy, I hate it and I need help. Honestly, I've tried and tried to fix it but it won't happen. What do I do?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Trans, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has been so painful for you. The behaviors you describe -- strong fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), I-am-a-Victim mentality, inability to trust, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Importantly, I am not saying your W "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags, i.e., strong occurrences of such traits. There is nothing subtle about traits such as emotional instability, inability to trust, and black-white thinking. Hence, given your 2 year history with her, it should be easy for you to spot the red flags for such traits. I therefore suggest that you read more about them.


transitioning said:


> I have been constantly accused of being a cheater and I am never trusted or believed.


If your W has strong BPD traits, she likely lost her ability to trust in early childhood. The result is a strong, irrational fear of abandonment -- which is one of the two great fears that BPDers have. (The other big fear is of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled and merging into the other person during intimacy.)


> Constantly she is disrespectful and insulting in very cruel ways for example.


Vindictiveness and meanness are another hallmark of having strong BPD traits. This typically occurs because BPDers do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in only ten seconds, based on a minor comment or action. 

It is common, for example, for a BPDer to be adoring you and then, in a few seconds, flip to hating you based solely on some minor infraction. This does not occur because BPDers are bad people. Rather, it occurs because the strong BPD traits distort their perception of other peoples' motivations and intentions. This is why a BPDer can flip, in seconds, to perceiving you to be Hitler incarnate.


> I have removed nearly all contacts with almost all women... just to earn a tiny sliver of trust.


If she is a BPDer, those actions will not be sufficient. To be able to control you better (i.e., to prevent abandonment), she will want to isolate you from all friends and family members.


> While I was deployed she was upset that I had wasn't responding to email as quickly as she desired, and would flip out in insulting ways.


BPDers have a very difficult time trying to maintain "object constancy," i.e., realizing that they are an important part of your life when you are away from the house or out of town. Although you see a person's personality as essentially unchanged from day to day, a BPDer does not. Because she does black-white thinking, she is used to seeing people suddenly switch from being good guys to bad guys. A BPDer therefore will be especially insecure about your feelings when you are out of town.


> if she does make a dime it quickly gets spent on things that she doesn't need like more clothes, perfume...


Because BPDers have difficulty regulating their emotions, they typically have very little impulse control. This is why they typically will engage in risky behavior and exhibit little constraint in spending.


> She has had multiple jobs that she has decided not to continue due to reasons like, she doesn't like who she works with or in her eyes everyone is out to get her.


If she has strong BPD traits, this behavior may be explained by two traits. The first is black-white thinking, which I mentioned earlier. This all-or-nothing attitude results in her perceiving of everyone as either "with her" or "against her" -- and she will recategorize people from one extreme to the other based on minor actions.

The second trait is the BPDer's false self image of being "The Victim" -- always "The Victim." To validate that false image, she will blame her spouse -- and sometimes her coworkers -- for every misfortune to befall her. 


> Many of my friends, family(of which she almost single handedly ruined my brothers wedding by making a scene over a petty thing) i am sure don't like her. She is rude to everyone.


If she is a BPDer, her perception of other peoples' intentions is distorted, as I said above. Moreover, none of your friends or family has to do a thing to actually CREATE the anger. If she has strong BPD traits, the anger has always been there right under the skin since early childhood. Hence, all that anyone has to do is TRIGGER the anger that is already there. And, as I noted, it doesn't take much to do that.


> While in public if there is another woman near whether ugly or pretty, if i don't look at the floor or the other way she will accuse me of staring/wanting her too.


My BPDer exW was that way too. If I looked at another woman for a half-second instead of one-third-second, she would instantly become angry and jealous.


> I need help. Honestly, I've tried and tried to fix it but it won't happen. What do I do?


Yes, if she has strong BPD traits, there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it. She must want very badly to fix herself and, to get very far, she likely will need professional guidance for years. Sadly, the nature of the disorder is such that it is very unlikely she will have the self awareness and ego strength needed to accomplish that. 

I therefore encourage you to see a clinical psychologist -- on your own for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion. If she has strong BPD traits, it is highly unlikely that her own psychologist will tell her, much less tell you.

While you are waiting for an appointment, I suggest you read more about the BPD traits to see if most of them accurately describe her behavior. An easy place to start is my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. One excellent resource, for example, is the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" forum at BPDfamily.com. Take care, Trans.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married her and had a baby with her. How didn’t you know that she was like this before you chose to marry her? This is the woman who you chose to marry and have a baby with.

Things are a bit different from state to state. But most states seem to be moving towards 50/50 custody. It’s extremely unlikely that you will get 100% custody. She will likely not either.

If you deploy who will take care of your baby if you have 100% custody. The courts are not very likely to give 100% custody to someone who deploys for months at a time. 

Your first course of action is to go see an attorney and find out your rights in divorce and custody.


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