# how to 'want' sex with my husband



## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Hello,

So to start, I would consider myself pretty LD. Now I wonder to myself, am I really LD or just not that attracted to my husband? For pretty much my entire marriage, I have to imagine someone else while having sex in order to become aroused. It can actually be just about anyone other than my husband! If I didn't do this i don't think I could ever 'O'. We have sex on average about once a month, and it's usually him initiating. Sometimes when he wants it he turns to porn because he doesn't want to bother asking me for any. I think if he started taking care of himself better it might boost my attraction for him. For example, showing he cares about his health by exercising, stopping the binge eating on junk food etc... Also he needs to stop talking constantly about (and executing in front of me) his bodily functions. I tell him all the time it is a turn off but he laughs at me and continues. 

He also spends most of his time laying in bed or on the couch on his ipad, for hours at a time. He has mild depression, and spends a lot of time complaining and self-loathing. Not very attractive. What can I do?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell us why you married him in the first place, for starters.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Tell us why you married him in the first place, for starters.


When we first met it was in college and there was a physical attraction. However that attraction only lasted a few months. I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure. He has a good job, high ethical values, honest and comes from a good family. Since we've been married, I don't get much affection from him at all, except when we go on vacation. Not sure why that is but it is. 

We live like friends and roommates. I honestly cannot remember the last time he told me I was pretty or beautiful. The only time I get a compliment is when I am buck naked lying on top of him. He criticizes my appearance sometimes, like telling me I need to go dye my hair, because the few gray hairs I have are making HIM feel old. Meanwhile he is 20 lbs overweight and I never tell him he looks foverweight or untoned. He says it himself but doesn't do anything about it. I don't mean to put all the blame on him however. I have ADHD and can be difficult to live with as a result (messy, disorganized, forgetful). I do take care of my body though, eat very healthy, work out, am toned etc.. Sometimes when he looks at me though I feel like he is judging my appearance but maybe I'm just imagining things. Oh, and we've been married for almost 13 years, have been together in some capacity for 17.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's his job to make you want him. He needs to be the man you met and fell in lust with. He needs to educate himself. Is he ok with sex 1 time a month?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It's his job to make you want him. He needs to be the man you met and fell in lust with. He needs to educate himself. Is he ok with sex 1 time a month?


It sounds like you are yearning for a deep romantic attachment. You're going to have to come clean with him. You're going to have to tell him that you want to have a sexually fulfilling life WITH him. That means you start making yourself as hot and sexy as possible! That means you start acting like he's a hot date and you are out to impress. Once you're doing that regularly, you get him to step up his game. Go shave, put on cologne, wear something nice, be more affectionate, act like you are trying to date me too.

Good for you for putting some honest thought into your marriage and trying to figure out a way to make it the best it can be.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It's his job to make you want him. He needs to be the man you met and fell in lust with. He needs to educate himself. Is he ok with sex 1 time a month?


He used to want sex more often, but over the last year or so that has dimished. I think he doesn't want to continue being rejected. The antidepressants also cooled his drive a bit I think. I am very forthcoming about the things he does (or doesn't do) that are killing the mood for me but he laughs it off and does nothing to change it. I find I am having a lot of dreams about sex at night, and they are about me having sex with some random made up person. When I wake up I am disappointed it is just a dream.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It sounds like you are yearning for a deep romantic attachment.


yes exactly!!



> You're going to have to come clean with him. You're going to have to tell him that you want to have a sexually fulfilling life WITH him. That means you start making yourself as hot and sexy as possible! That means you start acting like he's a hot date and you are out to impress. Once you're doing that regularly, you get him to step up his game. Go shave, put on cologne, wear something nice, be more affectionate, act like you are trying to date me too.
> 
> Good for you for putting some honest thought into your marriage and trying to figure out a way to make it the best it can be.


Good idea. I feel like that is what we do when we are on vacation so we need to start doing it at home.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> He used to want sex more often, but over the last year or so that has dimished. I think he doesn't want to continue being rejected. The antidepressants also cooled his drive a bit I think. I am very forthcoming about the things he does (or doesn't do) that are killing the mood for me but he laughs it off and does nothing to change it. I find I am having a lot of dreams about sex at night, and they are about me having sex with some random made up person. When I wake up I am disappointed it is just a dream.


Yup, been there too. This is your wake up call. Do some serious connection building now. Make him understand you are not willing to slowly settle into a pathetic boring routine as you fantasize about a better life with someone else.

Make yourself the hot sexy wife so he can target just how hot HE has to be to keep up!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

First thing STOP rejecting him. Marriage is a sexual contract. You are adding unneeded resentment. Start your sex life up then you can start getting him back on track. He needs to read "Married Man Sex Life Primer". He needs to become a confidant man again.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Fake it till you make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> First thing STOP rejecting him. Marriage is a sexual contract. You are adding unneeded resentment. Start your sex life up then you can start getting him back on track. He needs to read "Married Man Sex Life Primer". He needs to become a confidant man again.


Ok, but my fear is that if I start having sex with him again he will have no motivation to change his ways. He's the kind of person who needs a fire lit beneath him in order to act.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> Ok, but my fear is that if I start having sex with him again he will have no motivation to change his ways. He's the kind of person who needs a fire lit beneath him in order to act.


Is your current motivating plan working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

Have you reached 40 yet?

If this continues another two or three years, what then?

Why are you staying married?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I hate it when people start advice with "trust me" but in this case...

Trust me, get busy being the best you and giving the best you got. THEN tell him what you want. When he sees his hot sexy wife being oogled by other men, he will have no choice but to up his game. Unless he's a complete ass. Mr. Pink is only a partial ass.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> He used to want sex more often, but over the last year or so that has dimished. I think he doesn't want to continue being rejected. The antidepressants also cooled his drive a bit I think. I am very forthcoming about the things he does (or doesn't do) that are killing the mood for me but he laughs it off and does nothing to change it. I find I am having a lot of dreams about sex at night, and they are about me having sex with some random made up person. When I wake up I am disappointed it is just a dream.


Is he by chance taking an SSRI for his depression?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I hate it when people start advice with "trust me" but in this case...
> 
> Trust me, get busy being the best you and giving the best you got. THEN tell him what you want. When he sees his hot sexy wife being oogled by other men, he will have no choice but to up his game. Unless he's a complete ass. Mr. Pink is only a partial ass.


Half ass?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> Half ass?


Yup. Half assed upped game. Half assed effort. Half assed romance...But half is better then nothing and I'm still hopeful.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Thound said:


> Is your current motivating plan working?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely not. 



LongWalk said:


> Do you have children?


No we don't. He doesn't want them. Although I wasn't dying to have kids I was open to the idea but his disgust for both children and having a pregnant wife didn't exactly motivate me.


> Have you reached 40 yet?


I'm almost 39. He's almost 40.



> If this continues another two or three years, what then?


I'll shoot myself! 


> Why are you staying married?


Good question. The idea of divorce only recently occurred to me. I guess I'd like to see if this can be rectified and if not, divorce is certainly not off the table.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Trust me, get busy being the best you and giving the best you got. THEN tell him what you want. When he sees his hot sexy wife being oogled by other men, he will have no choice but to up his game. Unless he's a complete ass. Mr. Pink is only a partial ass.


Ok, I'll give it a shot. Although...I already get oogled by other men. Hubby's friends all tell them how they want to bang his hot wife. So... I guess that makes him a complete ass then 



hambone said:


> Is he by chance taking an SSRI for his depression?


Yes, effexor.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> Ok, I'll give it a shot. Although...I already get oogled by other men. Hubby's friends all tell them how they want to bang his hot wife. So... I guess that makes him a complete ass then
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, effexor.


That might be your problem. 

Effexor® (venlafaxine hydrochloride), like a lot of medicine used to treat depression, is known to cause certain sexual side effects. Effexor sexual side effects may include:


•Ejaculation problems 
•Impotence (also known as erectile dysfunction or ED) 
*•A decreased sex drive* 
•Priapism (which is a painful erection of the penis that does not go away).


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm probably wrong...but what's his name?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Working out instead of effexor. Tell him you think the drug might have changed him. Try getting rid your TV. Without a TV you will have more sex


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Before you through the towel in on him, my big guy went through a real "sexual" low piont due to age"40" and medication that caused severe ED. He went from an attentive affectionate lover to the invisible man. Don't shoot me guys when I say this....but many men don't handle the mid-life thing gracefully...
The don't like getting older looking (who does), many mens sex drive starts to drop in their 40's, ED is not uncommon, and you add anti deppressants to it...you have a coctail for a boring Friday night!

I had to have quite a few serious talks with the big guy and a few doctor visits and a great sex therapist....but I get as much sex as I can handle now. The point I am making is there is a reason for his disinterest, you need to find out what it is and don't quit till you do.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I hate it when people start advice with "trust me" but in this case...
> 
> Trust me, get busy being the best you and giving the best you got. THEN tell him what you want. When he sees his hot sexy wife being oogled by other men, he will have no choice but to up his game. Unless he's a complete ass. Mr. Pink is only a partial ass.


This! This! This! Pinks Female Action Plan. I love it. If my wife did this I'd be in heaven. FAP all day.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I hate it when people start advice with "trust me" but in this case...
> 
> Trust me, get busy being the best you and giving the best you got. THEN tell him what you want. When he sees his hot sexy wife being oogled by other men, he will have no choice but to up his game. Unless he's a complete ass. Mr. Pink is only a partial ass.


I agree. Think of it this way - you show him how great it can be and have him commit to upping his game. If he fails, you start to take it away, making very clear that if he is not willing to invest in this relationship, neither are you. 

Some might consider this manipulative, but I would view it as demonstrating both self worth and worth in your relationship. Your relationship is worth you being your best. But you are worth having a husband who does the same.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Yup. Half assed upped game. Half assed effort. Half assed romance...But half is better then nothing and I'm still hopeful.


I always say Half Ass is better than Ass (w)hole


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## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

toomuchtotell said:


> Hello,
> 
> So to start, I would consider myself pretty LD. Now I wonder to myself, am I really LD or just not that attracted to my husband? For pretty much my entire marriage, I have to imagine someone else while having sex in order to become aroused. It can actually be just about anyone other than my husband! If I didn't do this i don't think I could ever 'O'. We have sex on average about once a month, and it's usually him initiating. Sometimes when he wants it he turns to porn because he doesn't want to bother asking me for any. I think if he started taking care of himself better it might boost my attraction for him. For example, showing he cares about his health by exercising, stopping the binge eating on junk food etc... Also he needs to stop talking constantly about (and executing in front of me) his bodily functions. I tell him all the time it is a turn off but he laughs at me and continues.
> 
> He also spends most of his time laying in bed or on the couch on his ipad, for hours at a time. He has mild depression, and spends a lot of time complaining and self-loathing. Not very attractive. What can I do?


He does this. He does that. My LD is his fault. etc...

All well in good and he may have some structural issues to work on, but you admitted that it's always been this way. So, why did you marry him? It wasn't for attraction, so it must have been other qualities.

It's a two way street. You both married each other knowing what you were getting. You both knew on some level that you were not into him that way, but you went ahead anyway. If you want to change that, it's going to require big changes from both sides and a willingness to do that.

Is he depressed about it and nagging you for more? If so and you also want it, you need a plan on both sides to work on this.

From what I know, SSRIs are a big hurdle here and will have to part of his plan if he cares to change.

From the other side, your marriage sounds similar to mine. I don't think my wife was ever attracted to me. I was never overweight and I kept myself well groomed, but the way you describe your feelings towards your husband is what I feel from my wife. Intimacy and basic affection were tapered off very quickly by her (I almost called it off 1 month in, but never found the spine to do it) and then a decade later we are less than once a month unless I bring it up, and then it's clear she is not into it. I tried the MAP. I worked to be the most attractive man I could be. I up'd my 'game' in any way I could think of, but it didn't help. So ya, I'm not very romantic with my wife and I don't try that hard really anymore, but why should I? What I'm saying is, even if he steps up, do you want to be that woman for him that also steps up, or are you going to keep blaming him for things because you don't want to face the fact that you aren't into him that way and never really have been?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CaptVere said:


> It's a two way street. You both married each other knowing what you were getting. You both knew on some level that you were not into him that way, but you went ahead anyway. If you want to change that, it's going to require big changes from both sides and a willingness to do that.
> 
> 
> From the other side, your marriage sounds similar to mine. I don't think my wife was ever attracted to me. I was never overweight and I kept myself well groomed, but the way you describe your feelings towards your husband is what I feel from my wife. Intimacy and basic affection were tapered off very quickly by her (I almost called it off 1 month in, but never found the spine to do it) and then a decade later we are less than once a month unless I bring it up, and then it's clear she is not into it. I tried the MAP. I worked to be the most attractive man I could be. I up'd my 'game' in any way I could think of, but it didn't help. So ya, I'm not very romantic with my wife and I don't try that hard really anymore, but why should I? What I'm saying is, even if he steps up, do you want to be that woman for him that also steps up, or are you going to keep blaming him for things because you don't want to face the fact that you aren't into him that way and never really have been?



This is also more common that it seems. In my case, what made me fall in love with my husband was a very screwed up image of what love looked like. Once I learned that that was wrong, learned what it really looked like, plus a whole lot of other self discovery and mental house cleaning, what you describe is exactly what I had. I married for the wrong reasons. 

But, I was still married. But he remains a decent, kind, responsible, hard working, good providing, loving father. Throw it all away because I was healthy enough to find what I should have been looking for in the first place?

My answer, what's done is done and in the past. I identified exactly what I wanted and have spent the last several years making it happen.

I want a deep romantic attachment. I want to feel desired and cherished. I want to feel a desire toward that guy who lays next to me at night, and I owe that to him. He may never be able to be demonstrative, or easily affectionate, and he may always trip over his words. But I know he is trying. He is trying because I am MAKING him try. He is trying because I upped my game and I insist INSIST he up his.

Don't settle. Don't accept. Be the best you that you can be and INSIST she do the same. It doesn't happen over night, as you may see from some of my posts there are lots of times I am heartily disappointed. But I will never get what I want without trying and I refuse to give up because this is what I WANT!


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

First I want to say these responses are so helpful, so glad I came to this site! 

But anyway, yes I do believe the SSRI's are playing a role, and my years of rejecting him certainly have not helped. When we married I did pretty much know what I was getting. I just didn't care at the time because I honestly thought all marriages were sexless and without passion, and if they aren't, they will end up being that way at some point because that's how my parent's marriage was. My parents never touched each other (they slept with their bedroom door wide open every single night so I know this for a fact).

However, I know *I* want that deep romantic attachment like Anon Pink says. I never really felt that with my husband. I do wonder if it is possible to create that. It works for arranged marriages, doesn't it? At the same time, we do not have kids. I ask myself how much effort should I put into making it work when there are no kids to worry about.

CaptVere - are you still married?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Reading between the lines Im guessing the truth is he just doesnt look close enough to a Men's Health cover model for you. 

Leave him and find a shallow guy that gets you all hot and bothered. Then in a few years when neither of you looks good enough for each other anymore, leave each other.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Reading between the lines Im guessing the truth is he just doesnt look close enough to a Men's Health cover model for you.
> 
> Leave him and find a shallow guy that gets you all hot and bothered. Then in a few years when neither of you looks good enough for each other anymore, leave each other.


Well, I don't need (or even like) a guy to have washboard abs, but a least some muscle tone or attempt to create it contributes towards a vibe of masculinity and resulting sex appeal. It's more about his attitude about both himself and me anyway. And don't think my husband is the victim of a woman with shallow expectations...he has very high standards for a woman's appearance and readily admits he would have much more of an issue if I were overweight than I have with him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> Well, I don't need (or even like) a guy to have washboard abs, but a least some muscle tone or attempt to create it contributes towards a vibe of masculinity and resulting sex appeal. It's more about his attitude about both himself and me anyway. And don't think my husband is the victim of a woman with shallow expectations...he has very high standards for a woman's appearance and readily admits he would have much more of an issue if I were overweight than I have with him.


You can apologize for the past. Say that you accept more than 50% of the blame but now who's at fault is less important than taking action. Does he have a sport? He can start rock climbing or something. Demands muscle. How many hours of TV do you watch? Get rid of it.

Right down your goals on a piece of paper.

1) Get husband in shape
2) Have good sex
3) Fall in love again

If opposes those goals in marriage, you might as well divorce.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> fault is less important than taking action.


True



> Does he have a sport?


Doesn't like sports, he's a computer and electronics geek  I'll have to drag him to the gym


> How many hours of TV do you watch? Get rid of it.


I don't watch TV, he has it on all the time, even in the bedroom. Not good.



> Right down your goals on a piece of paper.
> 
> 1) Get husband in shape
> 2) Have good sex
> ...


Good plan, makes sense to me


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## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

Yep still married. It sounds similar to yours. We have small children and so that has kept things together.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

toomuchtotell said:


> When we first met it was in college and there was a physical attraction. However that attraction only lasted a few months. I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure. He has a good job, high ethical values, honest and comes from a good family. Since we've been married, I don't get much affection from him at all, except when we go on vacation. Not sure why that is but it is.
> 
> We live like friends and roommates. I honestly cannot remember the last time he told me I was pretty or beautiful. The only time I get a compliment is when I am buck naked lying on top of him. He criticizes my appearance sometimes, like telling me I need to go dye my hair, because the few gray hairs I have are making HIM feel old. Meanwhile he is 20 lbs overweight and I never tell him he looks foverweight or untoned. He says it himself but doesn't do anything about it. I don't mean to put all the blame on him however. I have ADHD and can be difficult to live with as a result (messy, disorganized, forgetful). I do take care of my body though, eat very healthy, work out, am toned etc.. Sometimes when he looks at me though I feel like he is judging my appearance but maybe I'm just imagining things. Oh, and we've been married for almost 13 years, have been together in some capacity for 17.


I think he knows you "settled" for him. It probably comes out in your everyday life. Please know I'm neither picking on you nor blowing smoke. I went through the this with my now ex-wife. The major difference between our situations is that I forced the issue and she admitted the truth. So I know how this goes.

It sounds like you are emphasizing his faults and downplaying your own. 20 lbs is not that big a deal - not as much as having ADHD (what are you doing about that by the way). I found that my ex would exaggerate my faults / minimize my contributions, raise numerous complaints / issues (and create new ones when the old ones were resolved), etc. to avoid the real issue.

Your issue is tougher than others on TAM. Whereas some are dealing with recovering lost passion, you are more looking to create that has not existed during your marriage. Were I in your shoes, I would remember I can have sex with him cheerfully out of appreciation for his loyalty and service, and respect for the marriage. That is in no way pity sex. The bonus is that he will work harder to meet your needs as you increasingly meet his, creating a virtuous cycle that hopefully will resolve this issue. Also, it's been demonstrated that women want more sex as a consequence of having more sex.

Understanding that some folks can't bring themselves to do the above, another alternative is the figure out what you are willing to do with / for him (I'm guessing you want the marriage to work, or you wouldn't be seeking advice). Then sit him down and have a serious talk. Tell the truth about why you married him (as I said, he suspects anways, so this won't be a shock). Then, tell him you know he's unhappy and you want to get to a point where both of you are getting enough out of the marriage.

Then, you discuss and you compromise. Tell him what you need / would like from him and what you are willing to provide currently, and invite him to tell you the same. It's essential that you be willing to make significant sacrifices (telling him "I don't want to be asked for sex, but I need you to keep on" doing XYZ does not work). Also, you need to absolutely not promise that which you will not provide; you will only breed more distrust and resentment. Here again, the goal is to make him feel better about the relationship by making him feel like he matters, and then he will do more for you, and then you'll want him more.

I would strongly suggest you ignore people you advise that it's his responsibility to make you want him. First, he cannot make you do anything. He can create a good mood, but it's up to you (alone) to actually be receptive to sex. Given your feelings for him, your receptiveness might be the major issue here.

Second, he has to feel wanted. If the dynamic is just him pursuing you then you have sex, it might start to feel like work to him. You need to generate your own enthusiasm for sex with him (so that he does not feel he has an uphill struggle against your baseline lack of attraction to him). You need to have sex and do other stuff for him. Basically, it needs to be 50/50 with the sex life also, not just him pursuing and you relenting.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Ok, so last night I had a talk with hubby, telling him I wanted to improve our life together, including sex life. Our conversation revealed that we both felt that the other is not receptive to advances. Ok, nothing earth shattering here. He also says he resents the fact we have dogs because we can't make spur of the moment plans like he wants to do. He refuses to plan anything in advance. 

So this morning, I wake hubby up...it's 9am and he's still in bed, would probably be for another couple of hours if I let him be. I climb on top of him and tell him I want to spend a nice day together starting with sex. He first responds with protests and then criticism of what I happened to be wearing. So I get naked, and he says he is loving how I look 'down there' (I shaved it all off the night before because I know he likes that). I start with oral, then ride him, fake an orgasm and he seems satisfied with the experience.

I take a shower and ask him what he would like to do today together. Well, to make a long story short, the only thing hes interested in doing is going to Best Buy to get a new tv. Im thinking, "great, another electronic device to take precedence over spending time with me". So i say we dont need yet another tv, but i would be up for doing some shopping, or going to the park, out to lunch, or anything else he wants to do together. His choice. He responds he just wants to sit home and play video games. 

So here I am as always, spending the day alone.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

I was a guy like your husband once. My long story short is that my marriage is over because I ignored and neglected my wife. 

I can tell you care about him, and I commend you for that - but you won't be able to nice him into change. Give him and your marriage and shot of tough love.

Ask him to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell him you want to save your marriage, and that you think you (not him) need professional advice and guidance. Give him a week to do it. My hunch is that he will refuse or procrastinate to schedule with a MC, so perhaps you can call at that point - but give him the ball first. He may just need a little shot of empowerment (and the "illusion" of helping you) to get the ball rolling.

Bottom line: He needs to learn be a better man, and you can't help him with that - sounds like he's too depressed to see the need to change.

As a side note: how many dogs do you have? If it's an option where you live, get on some walks with him and the dogs. Ask him what he spends time thinking about when he's not working, even if it means he talks to you about tech stuff. Listen to him, ask him questions. Does he have a tech-related business aspiration? Try to encourage him to be away from the couch, engaged in thought and conversation with you. (When I was escaping, I thought my wife didn't care about it. Turns out she missed me like crazy, but didn't know what to say to snap me out of it.)

Oh and ask him to remove the iPad from the premises, and to give TV a break while you're home for one month.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I hate video games. I practically ruined my marriage because of them.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yup, been there too. This is your wake up call. Do some serious connection building now. Make him understand you are not willing to slowly settle into a pathetic boring routine as you fantasize about a better life with someone else.
> 
> Make yourself the hot sexy wife so he can target just how hot HE has to be to keep up!


Yeah, because it is all his fault. He better keep up to speed, hey...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> Ok, so last night I had a talk with hubby, telling him I wanted to improve our life together, including sex life. Our conversation revealed that we both felt that the other is not receptive to advances. Ok, nothing earth shattering here. He also says he resents the fact we have dogs because we can't make spur of the moment plans like he wants to do. He refuses to plan anything in advance.
> 
> So this morning, I wake hubby up...it's 9am and he's still in bed, would probably be for another couple of hours if I let him be. I climb on top of him and tell him I want to spend a nice day together starting with sex. He first responds with protests and then criticism of what I happened to be wearing. So I get naked, and he says he is loving how I look 'down there' (I shaved it all off the night before because I know he likes that). I start with oral, then ride him, *fake an orgasm* and he seems satisfied with the experience.
> 
> ...


Brave that you could fake an orgasm to jump start your sex life. How long can you be the driving force in this type of sex?

How come your husband doesn't know it was fake? If he were in tune with you would you expect him to know?

TV is a waste of time. Whose money was it?

re: dogs
Tell him that you can get rid of them. Sex and affection are more important than those hounds. Ask him how you should deal with it. Find them new homes or dump them at the dog pound? Does he know that the latter might mean them getting put down?

Key here is that if you were to drop them off at the pound, you must insist on doing it together so that no one can you did it.

If he has a pang of conscience over the dogs and says "ah let's keep the mutts," you can give him a lot of emotional kisses.

Do you have nice places to walk them? Drag his ass out to the trail in the woods with the dogs. Ask him to explain his favorite geeky video games. He'll feel better without knowing why.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Thound said:


> I hate video games. I practically ruined my marriage because of them.


Abuse of anything will hurt a marriage. I hate reality Tv for the same reason. Go figure.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Yeah, because it is all his fault. He better keep up to speed, hey...


I've read a few of your other posts and threads because this comment seemed so out of context to this thread. I'm very sorry for the pain you are enduring in your life right now. No one deserves to be treated so heartlessly. I genuinely hope you find peace, either with your wife or after a D. Personally, I would never recover from such a devastating blow to my confidence as what your wife has been putting your through. You deserve much better.

Your comment brings to light the very real damage a spouse can do to the other with just plain words. 

Toomuchtotell, nothing will get fixed in a weekend. This is a long process. You have to learn to respond to him differently, so that he learns to respond to you differently.

He wanted to play video games instead of being with you? Is it possible he saw through your attempt and is hurt? Your husband would be better off knowing that something was missing from your encounter and you didn't orgasm. He would be better off knowing what was missing and what he can do differently.

You asked him to do something with you today and he rebuffed you. This was your cue to say, I had hoped we could spend time together today. I'm trying here but I can't force you to try. I'm going out, be home around 4. 

NEVER fake an orgasm! It only leads to worse sex down the road and it breaks his trust, not to mention builds your resentment.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure."

You intentionally married a guy you weren't particularly attracted to, choosing security over attraction. If you started off going in the wrong direction, why should you be surprised that you ended up
at a wrong place? He's getting sex from you once a month and you have to force yourself and mentally bring another guy into the bedroom to make it happen. He doesn't tell you you're beautiful? You've been basically defrauding him from jump street, depriving him of the love (and sex) you promised. It wouldn't be hard to imagine that he truthfully finds you pretty monstrous and considers himself to have been lied to and exploited. He may spend about as much time and effort worrying about what you want as you do worrying about what he wants. If I could only have pretend intimacy with my wife once a month, she'd be lucky to get bare civility from me. It'd be about all I could muster just to talk myself into coming home every day.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure."
> 
> You intentionally married a guy you weren't particularly attracted to, choosing security over attraction. If you started off going in the wrong direction, why should you be surprised that you ended up
> at a wrong place? He's getting sex from you once a month and you have to force yourself and mentally bring another guy into the bedroom to make it happen. He doesn't tell you you're beautiful? You've been basically defrauding him from jump street, depriving him of the love (and sex) you promised. It wouldn't be hard to imagine that he truthfully finds you pretty monstrous and considers himself to have been lied to and exploited. He may spend about as much time and effort worrying about what you want as you do worrying about what he wants. If I could only have pretend intimacy with my wife once a month, she'd be lucky to get bare civility from me. It'd be about all I could muster just to talk myself into coming home every day.


You bring up how very painful this is, to be the H in this scenario. 

But cut her some slack. She is trying. She is trying to avoid being hurtful.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You bring up how very painful this is, to be the H in this scenario.
> 
> But cut her some slack. *She is trying*. She is trying to avoid being hurtful.


:smthumbup:


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

abuginarug said:


> I was a guy like your husband once. My long story short is that my marriage is over because I ignored and neglected my wife.


that's too bad 





> As a side note: how many dogs do you have? If it's an option where you live, get on some walks with him and the dogs.


2 dogs. We actually did go on a short walk together with the dogs last night. 



> Oh and ask him to remove the iPad from the premises


There are 3 ipads in our house. He sleeps with one of them every night. I'm not joking. The ipad is in the bed under the covers, in between me and him. 


Thound said:


> I hate video games. I practically ruined my marriage because of them.


I played one of the video games with him for about 2 years, world of warcraft. It was the only time we really spent any time together! He keeps asking me to start playing again with him and I don't want to.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> How come your husband doesn't know it was fake? If he were in tune with you would you expect him to know?


To be totally honest, I've been faking orgasms since we first started dating. I'm one of those women who cannot organsm during intercourse. Hubby couldn't accept that and would insist on going at it until I came. But I never did so I started faking. He's extremely willful and persistant like that. I can orgasm easily in other ways. I prefer to have my man cum during intercourse and then I get satisfied afterwards. I know it's a bad thing to have been faking all this time. What can I do about it now?



> TV is a waste of time. Whose money was it?


Both of our money. We both make around a six figure salary. Me slightly below, him slightly above. I agree TV is a waste of time, I do not watch it but he has every TV turned on in the house at all times. I told him last night that instead of buying another TV we should get rid of the one of the TV's. He joked that that he'd rather get rid of me than the TV. Or was it not a joke? 



> re: dogs
> Tell him that you can get rid of them. Sex and affection are more important than those hounds. Ask him how you should deal with it. Find them new homes or dump them at the dog pound? Does he know that the latter might mean them getting put down?
> 
> Key here is that if you were to drop them off at the pound, you must insist on doing it together so that no one can you did it.
> ...


That's the thing, he resents the dogs but has too much of a conscience to agree to get rid of them.



Anon Pink said:


> You asked him to do something with you today and he rebuffed you. This was your cue to say, I had hoped we could spend time together today. I'm trying here but I can't force you to try. I'm going out, be home around 4.


you are right. I responded saying just that, I am going to go out and do something on my own, but i didn't. I stayed home and did laundry.



> NEVER fake an orgasm! It only leads to worse sex down the road and it breaks his trust, not to mention builds your resentment.


ok, I am realizing that now


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure."
> 
> You intentionally married a guy you weren't particularly attracted to, choosing security over attraction. If you started off going in the wrong direction, why should you be surprised that you ended up
> at a wrong place? He's getting sex from you once a month and you have to force yourself and mentally bring another guy into the bedroom to make it happen. He doesn't tell you you're beautiful? You've been basically defrauding him from jump street, depriving him of the love (and sex) you promised. It wouldn't be hard to imagine that he truthfully finds you pretty monstrous and considers himself to have been lied to and exploited. He may spend about as much time and effort worrying about what you want as you do worrying about what he wants. If I could only have pretend intimacy with my wife once a month, she'd be lucky to get bare civility from me. It'd be about all I could muster just to talk myself into coming home every day.


I see what you are saying but I was young and naieve when i got married, and it's already been done so I can either try to turn it into something better or just leave, right?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I told him last night that instead of buying another TV we should get rid of the one of the TV's. He joked that that he'd rather get rid of me than the TV. Or was it not a joke?


Honestly, it doesn't sound like either one of you are happy based on that remark. If my husband ever said something like that to me jokingly or not, it would be a "stop the presses" type of moment. Since you are both seemingly financially secure/independent and you don't have kids, is it worth it to spend more years trying to turn this relationship into something it may have never been? Have you asked him if he's happy? 

Oh, and literally sleeping with an iPad seems rather....odd, I guess. I told husband no tvs in the bedroom when we first moved in together (pre-marriage). They are nothing but a distraction in a room meant for sleeping, relaxing, and spending time together.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Honestly, it doesn't sound like either one of you are happy based on that remark. If my husband ever said something like that to me jokingly or not, it would be a "stop the presses" type of moment.



Knowing my husband, what he meant is that he'd rather be alone than without his electronics. It wouldn't matter who he was with. 



> Since you are both seemingly financially secure/independent and you don't have kids, is it worth it to spend more years trying to turn this relationship into something it may have never been? Have you asked him if he's happy?


He has depression so 'happiness' is I think an alien concept to him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> I see what you are saying but I was young and naieve when i got married, and it's already been done so I can either try to turn it into something better or just leave, right?


I think you've got the right attitude. However, there is a bit of bad news that you're going have share with your husband. He has a new chore: shaving your muff. Make sure this assignment shows up on his iPads. Maybe you can get some good head after he finishes inspection.

I gather that, though you are disenchanted with your husband when it comes to sex and affection, you still regard him with respect in other ways. Is he intelligent enough to be a match to you? Is decent and kind? An ethical person? In short, is there someone there that you love and respect at some basic level? I assume the answer if yes, otherwise you would have thrown in the towel.

Begging, pleading and nagging generally don't accomplish jack shı†. What tools does that leave you? If you increase the amount of physical affection will he be weirded out? Does he like it when you cuddle him? Will he think you are pressuring him to be intimate? Could lots of hugs raise his self esteem?

Does he play online games with animated characters killing each other, like Counterstrike or World of Warcraft? I don't play myself but it seems obvious that the characters has sex appeal. The players project their own desire to be buff and sexy, but without doing any work in the gym.

Could you get your husband to admit that it would cooler have that sort of body in real life. Could you tell me that you know he could do it and it would really turn you on? Would he find that absurd and ego-threatening? 

You need to determine how much porn he is consuming on his iPads. If he is masturbating a lot to porn, you need to develop a strategy to deal with that.

Why can't you or he hold a vibrator in the right spot when you have intercourse?

Could you ask him what he would like to change about you? Not just in bed but in your life together. You can change some things easily. Maybe you leave specks on the bathroom mirror after flossing and that really bugs him. That is easy to fix if he tells you.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> Knowing my husband, what he meant is that he'd rather be alone than without his electronics. It wouldn't matter who he was with.


Not sure I could handle being married to someone like that, and I'm a bit of a gadget geek, too. 

There are lots of people with depression that I think would still say their marriage makes them "happy," if it's a good one. Or at least happier than without it. His gadgets seem to make him "happy" in some sense. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't have depression so I guess I can't really understand. Maybe he needs to have his meds adjusted/increased/changed?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ginger snap, the best med is endogenous morphine, in large doses.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> I think you've got the right attitude. However, there is a bit of bad news that you're going have share with your husband. He has a new chore: shaving your muff. Make sure this assignment shows up on his iPads. Maybe you can get some good head after he finishes inspection.


Haha, I like this 


> Is he intelligent enough to be a match to you? Is decent and kind? An ethical person? In short, is there someone there that you love and respect at some basic level? I assume the answer if yes, otherwise you would have thrown in the towel.


Yes to all of this, which is why I'm still here.


> Begging, pleading and nagging generally don't accomplish jack shı†.


Isn't that the truth!!



> What tools does that leave you? If you increase the amount of physical affection will he be weirded out? Does he like it when you cuddle him? Will he think you are pressuring him to be intimate? Could lots of hugs raise his self esteem?


He would be weirded out if I increased affection by a lot. The kind of affection he is receptive to is cuddling while watching tv or right before we go to sleep

Thanks for all your other suggestions. I did check his iPad browsing history for porn evidence and there was nothing for the past week. Couldn't access history before that. He admitted yesterday to jerking himself off using a pair of my used underwear though! (sorry if that is TMI)


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> Not sure I could handle being married to someone like that, and I'm a bit of a gadget geek, too.
> 
> There are lots of people with depression that I think would still say their marriage makes them "happy," if it's a good one. Or at least happier than without it. His gadgets seem to make him "happy" in some sense. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't have depression so I guess I can't really understand. Maybe he needs to have his meds adjusted/increased/changed?


Ok well now that I think about it, he probably would say he is happy in his marriage. as for meds, he has had them increased and it turned him into a zombie who slept day and night.

As for the gadgets, he played video games on saturday from 10am till 5 pm, and from 8:30 pm till 4am. Then today (Sunday) from 10 am till 6pm, watched tv while eating dinner and is now playing again as we speak. That's a little much, right? Oh and didn't shower either.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

Sounds like an addiction. He needs help!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What game is he into? If he has macho avatar, you can use that to communicate with him to jerk him out of that world.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

toomuchtotell said:


> I start with oral, then ride him, fake an orgasm and he seems satisfied with the experience.


Others have noted this, but the fact is you need to stop the dishonesty. You have not been honest about sex in a long time, but you have to stop it now. Since you have been faking since the beginning, perhaps you need to phrase it that you need new things now, but continuing to lie is not helping anyone.



> So i say we dont need yet another tv, but i would be up for doing some shopping, or going to the park, out to lunch, or anything else he wants to do together. His choice. He responds he just wants to sit home and play video games.
> 
> So here I am as always, spending the day alone.


Two issues I see here:

1) Most guys don't think of shopping as fun, so you suggesting that is not that different to him then him suggesting TV shopping.

2) You can't expect him to switch on a dime. You need to be proactive, so think of something you both could enjoy (may be a walk or light hike), then ask him to come with you. As it is, you are making a switch but not telling him, then getting mad because he is not choosing correctly.

You have a long time of patterns that will take time to change, for both of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> What game is he into? If he has macho avatar, you can use that to communicate with him to jerk him out of that world.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is into a lot of games, some with macho avatars, some with female avatars, or animals, etc... It's the games themselves he's so into. He has a degree in computer graphics because he wanted a career designing video games. Part of the reason for his depression (other than it being inherent) is that he is not happy with his career choice. yet he chooses to just complain and never does anything about it.



> Others have noted this, but the fact is you need to stop the dishonesty. You have not been honest about sex in a long time, but you have to stop it now. Since you have been faking since the beginning, *perhaps you need to phrase it that you need new things now*, but continuing to lie is not helping anyone.


Yes, and thanks for the suggestion on how to move forward. 




> 1) Most guys don't think of shopping as fun, so you suggesting that is not that different to him then him suggesting TV shopping.


I didn't mention this for the sake of brevity in my post but he was actually the one who expressed interest in going to the outlet mall (he's more of a metrosexual than a manly man so he actually does like shopping ). When I tried to make it a reality he decided that he didn't want to go after all.



> You have a long time of patterns that will take time to change, for both of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint.


You're right, thanks for pointing that out. I do need to be more patient.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

IT people are generally in demand. If he can code in Java or C++, he can find other work he could even own a share.

What would happen if you asked him to set up a sexy avatar for you and then came on to his most macho alter ego?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

In all honesty, the very title of this thread makes me wonder why you are still married to him. You shouldn't have to try to figure out ways to make yourself "want" to have close physical contact with your husband.

It sounds to me like you are mismatched. He likes to hang out and watch TV/play video games all day. You don't. You want a physically fit, attractive guy and he is more of a computer nerd type who doesn't care about his appearance very much.

I think sitting around trying to "make yourself want" to have sex with your husband is probably self-defeating. I can't imagine that line of thought ever works. Rather I suppose that most spouses in your position simply focus on the things they like about their spouse, and resign themselves to the fact that sexual attraction is not going to be one of them.

In all honesty it sounds like maybe it goes beyond attractiveness though. It seems like you have different wants and needs and that perhaps you don't even like this person you are married to all that much. I would think some marriage counseling and maybe even a trial separation might be a good idea.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

4thand11 said:


> In all honesty, the very title of this thread makes me wonder why you are still married to him. You shouldn't have to try to figure out ways to make yourself "want" to have close physical contact with your husband.
> 
> It sounds to me like you are mismatched. He likes to hang out and watch TV/play video games all day. You don't. You want a physically fit, attractive guy and he is more of a computer nerd type who doesn't care about his appearance very much.
> 
> ...


I used to be perfectly fine with him being a computer nerd and spending most of his time with his gadgets. We were actually quite well matched, sexual attraction aside, as I am somewhat of a homebody myself. When I wanted to get out of the house I would indulge in other outlets and hang out with friends to keep myself busy, and the sex issues didn't really bother me because like you said, I focus on the aspects of him I do like. Now that I am almost 39, all my friends and family members around my age now have kids and I find it hard to relate to them as a result. So all I have to turn to for some sort of connection is my husband, who is unavailable, physically and emotionally, most of the time. It's a lonely feeling. And it's not just his fault, it's mine too.

I also think about where we will be 10 or 20 years from now. Will I still be sitting in the house, or pursuing any of my interests by myself, while hubby is video gaming all day? Maybe I thought he would grow out of the gaming/electronics obsession by this time(he will be turning 40)? I guess my wants and needs have changed. His have only become more solidified.

Thanks for the MC and trial separation suggestions, something to consider.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I just have to say, this is a brilliant thread with excellent input from a lot of members!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Video games are not the issue here. If it was not video games it would be something else, from surfing the web to watching curling on ESPN6.

Having a list of expectations and sticking to them usually works for us and as you can probably tell I am quite into games yet lead a normal life..


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Do you think he might want out of the marriage but is just too cowardly to do it?

He seems to have no interest in making an effort for you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> I used to be perfectly fine with him being a computer nerd and spending most of his time with his gadgets. We were actually quite well matched, sexual attraction aside, as I am somewhat of a homebody myself. When I wanted to get out of the house I would indulge in other outlets and hang out with friends to keep myself busy, and the sex issues didn't really bother me because like you said, I focus on the aspects of him I do like. Now that I am almost 39, all my friends and family members around my age now have kids and I find it hard to relate to them as a result. Did you try to have kids? Can you get pregnant now? Can a first baby come at 39, yikes. So all I have to turn to for some sort of connection is my husband, who is unavailable, physically and emotionally, most of the time. It's a lonely feeling. And it's not just his fault, it's mine too. Go to MC.
> 
> I also think about where we will be 10 or 20 years from now. Will I still be sitting in the house, or pursuing any of my interests by myself, while hubby is video gaming all day? Maybe I thought he would grow out of the gaming/electronics obsession by this time(he will be turning 40)? I guess my wants and needs have changed. His have only become more solidified. He is probably tired of it but addicted. You need other activities.
> 
> Thanks for the MC and trial separation suggestions, something to consider.



4thand11 makes good sense.

If he can tell you that he sniffs your underwear, you do have some sort of relationship. Maybe you need to curl up together in the evening, then you have tell him you wanted a baby and cry. Let it out. If he isn't moved by it, you should leave him.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Did you try to have kids? Can you get pregnant now? Can a first baby come at 39, yikes


We tried for a short while about a year ago and nothing happened. We didn't keep it up because I decided I didn't want to bring a baby into a situation where hubby would be consumed with his gadgets and I would be consumed with most of the childcare responsibilities along with working a full time job. I do understand that many people change once the baby comes. But what if it doesn't?



> Maybe you need to curl up together in the evening, then you have tell him you wanted a baby and cry. Let it out. If he isn't moved by it, you should leave him.


going to try this


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## DashaSicard (Sep 18, 2013)

I know for me dates help. I know that that sounds really cliché, but when I say dates I mean like going out and doing something different. One time my husband and I went and did a trapeze class. It was so much fun and was far from romantic, but it actually did the opposite. We had such a wonderful time and it was nice to do something where I felt no pressure to be super romantic but we did something different so of course that got me goin' . If you want him to eat better you could always diet with him or cook good meals, and we would go on walks together. On our walks we would go somewhere and maybe walk to get some ice cream or buy a drink at a store and then take it home and indulge. Cheap movie dates can be fun. We have a $3 theater right near our house and we like to go to the dollar store and get some snacks or make some snacks at home and go and watch a cheap movie. Road trips are good. Maybe work on a project together, cooking, decorating for fall or Christmas (when that comes around). Do things that are different but don't feel like work, but can still be a date.
At one point my husband has asked me what attracted me to him. I told him that I liked it when he was clean shaven and how I like his hair styled. He let me help him do it. I know that not all husband's will react that way or do the same, but maybe you could offer to do his hair. I mean it feels good to have some play with your hair and then you can maybe see him in a new light. Also I know that when I didn't feel as attracted to my husband much of it was how I felt about myself. I felt less attractive and confident. I felt bad that I wasn't always attracted to my husband. Is there something in your past that may have caused a riff?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

toomuchtotell said:


> When we first met it was in college and *there was a physical attraction. However that attraction only lasted a few months*. I think i married him because he was very much into me, comfort set in, and to be very honest, I think I just wanted to get married and he was the person I was dating at the time. It felt secure. He has a good job, high ethical values, honest and comes from a good family. Since we've been married, I don't get much affection from him at all, except when we go on vacation. Not sure why that is but it is.
> 
> We live like friends and roommates. I honestly cannot remember the last time he told me I was pretty or beautiful. The only time I get a compliment is when I am buck naked lying on top of him. He criticizes my appearance sometimes, like telling me I need to go dye my hair, because the few gray hairs I have are making HIM feel old. Meanwhile he is 20 lbs overweight and I never tell him he looks foverweight or untoned. He says it himself but doesn't do anything about it. I don't mean to put all the blame on him however. I have ADHD and can be difficult to live with as a result (messy, disorganized, forgetful). I do take care of my body though, eat very healthy, work out, am toned etc.. Sometimes when he looks at me though I feel like he is judging my appearance but maybe I'm just imagining things. Oh, and we've been married for almost 13 years, have been together in some capacity for 17.



OP:
why did your physical attraction to him only last a few months?? did he start letting himself go that early on?


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

You both have issues to work out and being LD is no really it! If you need to think of others and he is into self relief that is a problem. You both need to figure out what you really want and go from there. It doesn't sound like you want him and it sounds like he is not all that into you because the question is baited what is he thinking about when he relieves himself in front of you? If it was part of you mutual play that would be one thing but, obviously, it isn't. Presently, you and him are primary couple for MC. That is your starting point then work from there and see what happens!


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