# being honest



## ninnie (Feb 22, 2012)

I posted something a few minutes ago. And I was thinking about how he needs to be honest and realized that I need to be honest too. When he finally admitted to sex and all the vulgar stuff on craigslist, we were driving back to Ky from Fla after being there for his step-fathers funeral and spending time with his mom. So all of this is going down in a truck stop parking lot somewhere in Ga. I went to the ladies room with the truck keys in my hand. I thought I was going to lose my mind, just wanted to be away from him for awhile and just freaking scream. I looked at the key ring and saw the P-38. And I just started slashing my arm with it. When I got back in truck I hid the cuts and blood on my jeans. But everytime I would get upset, either with talking or just thinking about it, I would dig my fingernails into the cuts. I have been a "cutter" in the past but not for years and years. Now I am home with my family and have to hide my arm and the incredible shame that goes along with it. My son lives with me and suffers from the worst anxiety I have ever seen and depression. I am so worried that he will see my cuts. He would have such a hard time dealing with that. But it felt SO good while I was doing it. Finally I had control over something and instead of other people hurting me, I could do it myself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how did you overcome the self-mutilation previously, sorry you "fell off the wagon"


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You need to consult your doctor ASAP


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## ninnie (Feb 22, 2012)

I was a heavy cutter in my first marriage. He was very abusive in every way. He controlled my every move. I had no car, no phone, no job. Just a house full of babies. And I was so young and my first time out of the family house. I stopped cutting when he finally went to prison> Divorced him, changed my kids last name and made a life for us with out all the drama. I have cut few times since then, just small ones and concealed. Stress relievers. Never this hard core, visible and spur of the moment.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so you never sought professional help for the cutting?


please do asap


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Girl, get to a Dr. and let him know how you are feeling! 
They have seen and heard it all before--so do not be embarrassed. But...please don't cut yourself. It's just not worth anything!


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## ninnie (Feb 22, 2012)

I really never thought of it as a problem before. Just my dirty little secret. I used it as a stress relief but it had never felt as good as it did this last time. Feeling it rip into my flesh and smearing the blood was intoxicating. I have no desire to do it again, now. But yes, I will get help with this. I know its wrong and all I have to do is look at my arm. I have so much shame and guilt right now. And it felt good for me to have my own secret from husband.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it indicates that you have a serious mental disorder
Self-harm - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I beseech that you seek help for it, there is no shame


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would see someone for it for sure. I use to tug really hard at my left ear untill it would bleed or bruse as a means to feel an external pain for my internal stress and pain. But that was back in grade school and my parents got me into IC. I can hardly recall the why now or even how I stoppped doing this. 

I understand the wanting a secret from your husband but anything that makes you feel guilt and shame is not a secret to keep.

I am very sorry that you are going through all of this at once and my heart goes out to you. Please get some help for the cutting and for the things that started it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ninnie, you cutting yourself stops your emotional pain almost right away, doesn't it?

What did you tell yourself right before you started cutting yourself? That you are a worthless B, no one can love me, I am disgusting.

Therapy can help you. Look for a person who does Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This was developed for cutters like you.


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