# husband cant look at me same



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I wont go into my whole story just for lengths sake. We both had EA's and attempted a wifeswap gone badly. We are working on things, right now we are dealing with the aftermath. What happened between us and realizing the path that led us there has brought me tons of perspective. Reading on this site brings me tons of perspective. Didn't realize how bad of a state our marriage was until this blew up in our faces. The situation has messed him up emotionally, I know the kind of person/wife I need to be. The question is this....when being intimate he says he can't see me in the same way, it feels weird. Advice please. At some point I will tell the whole background.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I must add we have both taken full responsibility for our actions,and past actions there is NO contact with other couple. I just want to fix our marriage. He says it will take time and I get that, he tells me it took years for his wall to be put up, I am sitting here with my wall down, and I don't want to put it up and get shot down, b/c if I put it back up we will get nowhere.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

after I had our second child, who is now 12, I got messed up with the sex thing, and it was a downward spiral with desire/emotional needs. He wasn't there for me. Basically it was a dance of him needing me emotionally/sexually/him not being there emotionally for me, and we just put protective barriers. He is 34. I am 33, we have 3 kids.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

What happened during the attempted swap? Did you have sex with the husband and your husband didn't with the wife? Have either of you cheated on the other?


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> What happened during the attempted swap? Did you have sex with the husband and your husband didn't with the wife? Have either of you cheated on the other?


I guess my parents did the whole swapping thing. But my parents are so open, (at least in there younger days) that it is crazy. I won't even get into it....That is one thing that never passed on to myself or my siblings though.

Back to the main thread though. I am wondering what happened as well. I understand if you can not talk about it, but what happened? Something odd must of happened for him to be all up about it, and yourself not so much (besides his feelings of course).


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My husband had an emotional affair under my nose for over a year, closed himself off to me, I began one without even meaning too. Me and the husband became really good friends. The wife mentioned to husband that they were swappers and mentioned it to husband, who in turn mentioned it to me. He at the time seemed semi interested, at least to me, I wasn't really, but I said we will talk about it. 

The "friends" met up with us, and we were all hanging out, the wife went upstairs to talk to my husband, while me and the husband were like what the hell is going on. I went up and they were starting ****, I came down and told him what was going on. We were both like I guess we are doing this? So we swapped. My husband attached to the wife fast, as she did to him. A few nights later, me and the other husband were hurt and confused and one thing led to another. My husband was angry, but I was angry at what happened the first time. Again, I am making NO excuses for my behavior. 

I was initially under the impression that we were just friends, we'd all get to know each other and we'd discuss it months down the road. Well the other husband freaked out and left for home. (They had come from out of town) The wife was left stranded up here for about a week. At the time I hadn't realized the emotional bond my husband and his wife had developed. They were messing around behind my back when I wasn't around. They slept with each other without my consent/knowledge. I found about it the day after, I didn't know how to react. So long story short, she left to go back to her husband. My husband left to go stay at his sisters and was living part time there and part time here for a little over two months. I was doing alot of thinking and soul searching at this time. I realized what I had done to him to make him have the initial EA, and why I developed one. 

I am NOT taking responsibility for him reaching out to another woman, as he shouldn't take responsibility for me doing the same. I am saying I understand where I lacked as a wife, I am not sure yet if he feels the same. He came back home and is living with me and our kids, and I am being the best woman I can be, affectionate, loving, doing little things, not because I want to keep him, but because I have realized the kind of woman I am, and I love him. I am being me, the woman before he started shutting down. Now he says because of how I HAD been for so many years, his guard is up, and he's not sure if he can ever look at me the same again because we both slept with other people. I can look at him the same, because I know the person he is. 

I am trying to "start over" with him the best I can. He says he never wanted any of it to happen, he NEVER said so, he didn't want to be a "party pooper" and figured it would all blow up anyways, so why not just go with it. Keep in mind he's saying this now after the fact. I am trying so hard, I knocked my walls down that had been built up for so many years after him pulling away from me for so many years, he was not there for me, never held me while I cried, I felt so invisible for so many years, he never heard me when I spoke. I just wonder if I should keep working on it, in the hopes that his guard will come down over time. I keep feeling hurt in the process because of the effort I am putting in. I understand his feelings, he says he knows for sure he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were before, and neither do I.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and I forgot to answer your ? Dowjones, no neither one of us had ever cheated on each other before this whole situation, with the exception of husbands EA that had been going on under my nose, which I didn't find out about until after this whole swap blew up. Husband has cut off all contact with the EA woman.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm a little confused. Did your husband have an EA with a different woman, or had he started an EA with the wife in this couple? Is he making excuses now? Did you have the EA with the husband of the couple or someone else? The whole thing is a mess. I guess you live and learn. Have you tried counseling? Why can't he look at you the same? He betrayed first, right?


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I say go for it. By the sound of your post, you really want to work it out and I think you are a fine person for being willing to do so.
When you and H get through this, your relationship will be stronger than ever but, it will take work.

Good luck.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

To clarify, my husband started an EA with a completely different woman that went on for over a year right under my nose, which I didnt find out about until after this whole mess with the other couple. My husband is the one who went outside of the marriage first, which at this point really doesn't make any difference. I became friends with the husband of the couple, which kind of became an EA of sorts without really even intending on it. He's not making excuses now. He says he has trouble looking at me the same because we both slept with other people. I want to go to counseling, he is back and forth on it, not because he doesn't want to try, but it has alot to do with his work schedule, and the fact that we are sharing 1 vehicle at this time.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

You tiptoe around what's really going on here, that's why people have to ask follow up questions. You guys teetered down the road of swapping couples, you thought things would go slow... next thing you knew your husband was having sex. Its hard to gather if you slept with the OM that same time, or the next day was your first time sleeping with him. I guess it doesn't matter, what does matter is that your husband doesn't have much room to play the blame game. I'm assuming this whole swap was his idea??? They usually are the man's idea. It was a bad idea. He probably didn't think about how it would feel to envision another man banging his wife. That's why 3-somes can be tricky. Woman want to help out the fantasy's of thier man and invite another woman in, not thinking how it will look as their man rails the OW right in front of them.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

your husband was going through the emotional or physical with or without the swap. either or he wanted to have someone else, the swap meth was an excuse for him. it is not you, it is him.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Paramore,
If you and your husband are truly serious about staying together, you need to get help from an MC as a mediator to go through these problems and concerns your husband AND you have. As a start to build trust, BOTH of you need to have COMPLETE transparency of your schedules, present and future as well as an update method like texting so you both know where the other is and can be reached. This eliminates the fears of something still going on uder the surface the other doesn't know about (EA). The second part of tranparency is complete sharing of all internet, texting, phone records and other account log ins with the understnading either of can check on the other ANY time without it being a contentious issue. This permits both of you to be relatively sure there is nothing on the side - with the honesty expectation that will be no spoof facebook or phones.

You have to start rebuilding the trust side. The visual memory or imagination of what tranpired when you both strayed is something you both need to deal with an MC. It is too touchy a topic to deal with directly between the two of you. 

Just IMHO.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I am 100% with Torchwood (cool s/n). 

I know nobody wins the blame game but from what it sounds like, his actions (and in action) are the direct cause of this mess. He left your marriage emotionally long ago...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks all for your feedback, I appreciate your insight. I have never had anything to hide, my cell phone is left within plain sight, he knows the pw to my computer, as for my passwords, I told him them long ago, if he remembers? probably not lol. I do have it set up for all of my emails, fb, etc. to have it automatically log in. I have never bothered to ask him, but now I will. I do know the password to his laptop, as for his fb, and emails, I do not. But you can be for sure I will have those by the end of the day lol. I dont delete messages from my phone until it gets full, I leave it out in plain view he could check it at any time, I know my daughter does XD. I do agree about the full transparency. 

I am home ALL the time, as I stay home with our kids. I never ever leave the house, he knows where I am at, and I typically always know where he's at. He works alot. I do agree that he emotionally left the marriage long ago, but it takes two to tango. I made my mistakes, I think we both played an equal part in this whole mess. I make zero excuses for what I did, and he hasn't either. He stopped contact with the first EA without me even asking for it, I think that's a positive thing. 

I do believe I will ask him to unfriend her on fb, (only reason he hasn't is b/c he hasn't been on there in a long while), as I have done that with the other couple, deleted them from my phone, and have asked them to not contact either of us, and they have respected my wishes. He wants nothing to do with them either, which is a good thing. Again, I appreciate all of your insight and kind words. I am gonna start looking up a MC this afternoon, and do some real insisting.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Side comment. If the words I need my privacy are ever used, in marriage that only applies to bathroom use. Privacy in any other area of your marriage means something is being witheld from the other person - that is NOT 100% percent honesty. If privacy is an issue, there IS deception - there should be NOTHING to hide.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and I apologize, I am not trying to tiptoe, there's just so much info, and I am trying not to post a novel, as I am sure long posts are annoying to read. I am trying to cover the gist of it the best I can, and if I leave out pertinent info, I don't do it on purpose. I have to say this site has provided me with alot of insight, and has been most helpful.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Side comment. If the words I need my privacy are ever used, in marriage that only applies to bathroom use. Privacy in any other area of your marriage means something is being witheld from the other person - that is NOT 100% percent honesty. If privacy is an issue, there IS deception - there should be NOTHING to hide.


:iagree:


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

paramore said:


> and I apologize, I am not trying to tiptoe, there's just so much info, and I am trying not to post a novel, as I am sure long posts are annoying to read. I am trying to cover the gist of it the best I can, and if I leave out pertinent info, I don't do it on purpose. I have to say this site has provided me with alot of insight, and has been most helpful.


Most of us like to hear the whole story. I do not mind a long read. It helps to know what it is like in your life. I think people should post more info sometimes.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks Wolf, I appreciate it. Do you have any wisdom for me? You all ROCK!!!! Tonight I'm keep on keepin on, little emotional, aka pms lol. Just trying to work on his emotional wall he has put up. I know it will take time, and I am in this for the long haul. He IS a good man, just want to make sure all of you know that. We just got our wires crossed years ago, and we have to undo all of that, tonight I am just feeling that I am the only one putting the love out there, I understand his feelings totally. I am not freaking though, trying to understand his stance, just not sure if he gets mine.


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