# Emotionally Cheating Husband



## BBStorm (Sep 29, 2009)

We met in Middle School, became BFF in High School, never dated, didn't talk for a year after graduation, started dating in College. Got pregnant, got married, and life took off. He starting having an 'online' affair back in 2006 and I stumbled onto the pictures and emails in 2007. He said he was sorry and wouldn't do anything like that again. We continue to have emotional issues. Then he starts spending a little too much time with this woman from his work, she gets fired and they continue to talk, then he starts to see her without telling me, then he joins this band to 'jam' with on the weekends, and her twin sister is the bassist, so I'll call her Stephanie is there all the time. Of course, I figure or stumble onto all of this by myself. Then I find out that he's been sending/receiving THOUSANDS of text messages (per month) on an almost daily basis, late at night, the wee hours of the morning and all day on the weekends for months. He's always too busy to talk to me during the day and is always exhausted and too tired to talk or do anyhitng on the weekends - supposedly because of work. All the while he's been ignoring me and continuing to deprive me of any kind of love or attention. Now, Stephanie is getting a divorce from her husband as of last week. My husband, I'll call him David, doesn't understand why I'm so upset about. He doesn't know if he can do the things that I need/want, but he wants to stay together. He said that he wants me to be interested in things he's interested in, but he doesn't want to try anything I have an interest in, then he complains that we have nothing in common. We haven't been out on a date in more than a year. We have kids and he doesn't set aside time for them either. His father is this way and his parents nearly split a while back and their marriage isn't very good even now. Can anyone help? Or just help me talk this out and sort some feelings out?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My first suggestion is for you to go to the band practices and make your presence heavily felt. Support your husband's interest. He'd like that, right? 

Secondly, this other woman needs to go. There is no room to negotiate. No texting, no seeing, no emails, no talking to her, period. Cordial and polite when he is forced to be near her, but nothing else. 

Thirdly, why doesn't he know if he can do the things you NEED? What's his excuse? What *are* the things you need?

Get into counseling with him. NOW.

That is, if you want to save this. Your being upset about the other woman seems to suggest you want to. But you have doubts about it being able to work... 

Talk away. We're here.


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## BBStorm (Sep 29, 2009)

Thanks, dodo!
What I 'need' is what every wife needs, I think. Just something here and there to let me know that he's thinking about me, to walk with me when we go somewhere, not 50 feet in front of me, to put his arm around me or hold my hand from time to time. I honestly don't get any of that. I DO want this to work, but he isn't sure if he is 'able' to do those things that I need. Which is BS. He just won't try. He has a very hard time considering other people's feelings. I expressed to him that she needs to not be in the picture anymore and she needs to let us work on things and that if she was a real friend in the first place she would have been trying to help and encouraging him to be with me and giving him advice on things to try, but she just kept coming at him. There are 2 sides and I know that. I've just never, ever felt so lost and confused. We tried counseling about 2 years ago and he would only show up about half of the time. He just doesn't seem to want to put forth any effort. I'm at a loss...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think what he means is that he won't give you the things you are asking for. That's a choice. Ask him why he is choosing not to walk with you (hell, what about respect? How respectful is it to leave you behind like that?) Ask him why he won't hold your hand. Is he ashamed of you or something?

It sounds as if your husband is going to be one of those poor slobs who doesn't learn until it is too late. 

What will you do if he won't give her up and won't put some effort into the relationship?


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