# How do you ever trust them again?



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

I am 45 & my wife is 38. We have been married 12 years now & have two sons,9 & 7, and we live near Atlanta, GA.
About 2 years ago I found out that my wife had been having an affair with her cousins husband. It had lasted over a year. They live up in Syracuse, NY and he is a trucker whose route is Syracuse to Atlanta. I am an airline pilot, navy veteran, and until then I had thought our marriage was fine. She was a good wife and loving mom. We rarely argued and everything seemed fine to me.
She had been having her cousins husband stay in our home with her, sending our boys on sleepovers and such, when he had overnight stays. For some of those I was home and I suspected nothing between them. Obviously, she never told me that she was sending our sons on sleepovers when he was here and I was away.
His wife discovered texts, emails, facebook messages, etc. between the two of them that were explicit, uncensored, graphic, nasty, etc. and called our home in a rage screaming in our answering machine for my wife to keep her bleeping hands off of her husband. She called me as well and forwarded me all of this.
My wife denied it at first, before the evidence piled in, and only confessed when I confronted her with the packet of emails, etc. that her cousin had sent me in the mail.
This has torn her family apart as now her own sister does not speak with her and obviously her cousins side of the family wants nothing to do with her or her family anymore. My wife's sister still stays in touch with me but only, I think, to keep up with her nephews. She will not speak to her sister.
We went to counseling with our pastor and my wife swore that this was a one time thing, there had been no other men, and that it would never happen again if I would forgive her and give her a second chance.
Her cousin divorced her husband and told me that my wife had simply been one of several he'd been messing around with.
But every time that I look at my wife I see her in another mans arms and it is making me insane. 
I do not trust her one bit even though I haven't seen one thing to suspect in these past two years......maybe because I didn't see anything the first time?
How did any of you learn to trust your spouse again?
I love her very much and I forgive her but I cannot go the rest of my life with suspicion in my thoughts all the time.
If I even see her smile when she's talking with another man it makes me paranoid.
Can I learn to trust her again? Because this is eating me up inside.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Standard rug sweeping problem. You have to process the infidelity properly in order to have a successful reconciliation. You need a good marriage counselor who is experienced with healing infidelity.

I recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring as starting point. It is directed at both of you, explaining the emotional processes you both go through. You both will understand the others' perspective, though the book never blames the betrayed.

A good MC will also not blame you for the affair. There are two components to successfully moving forward. First is processing the affair completely. Second is you both learning to be better spouses.

Whatever imperfections you have do not ever justify her affair. But yet you do have imperfections as a husband which should be worked on as part of building a new marriage.

Meanwhile the infidelity needs to be dealt with on its own. Your wife made choices and she committed many terrible lies. She has to own it, and she has to understand what it was that made her able to do that to you. Then she has to believe she was terrible for doing it, and express that remorse to you. Not the remorse of getting caught, but true remorse for hurting you. She has to vow to herself to never do anything remotely like it again, and her behavior over time has to be consistent with that.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rwstko75 said:


> I am 45 & my wife is 38. We have been married 12 years now & have two sons,9 & 7, and we live near Atlanta, GA.
> About 2 years ago I found out that my wife had been having an affair with her cousins husband. It had lasted over a year. They live up in Syracuse, NY and he is a trucker whose route is Syracuse to Atlanta. I am an airline pilot, navy veteran, and until then I had thought our marriage was fine. She was a good wife and loving mom. We rarely argued and everything seemed fine to me.
> She had been having her cousins husband stay in our home with her, sending our boys on sleepovers and such, when he had overnight stays. For some of those I was home and I suspected nothing between them. Obviously, she never told me that she was sending our sons on sleepovers when he was here and I was away.
> His wife discovered texts, emails, facebook messages, etc. between the two of them that were explicit, uncensored, graphic, nasty, etc. and called our home in a rage screaming in our answering machine for my wife to keep her bleeping hands off of her husband. She called me as well and forwarded me all of this.
> ...


The first thing that I'd recommend is to stop attending any sort of marital counseling w/ your pastor. Pretty much everything that he'll tell you will be aimed squarely at convincing you to stay in your marriage no matter what.

To be clear, I'm not saying that you should divorce, but anyone selling you a line of "forgive and forget", "get over it", etc, doesn't have your best interest at heart.

Get to an actual, licensed marriage counselor w/ extensive experience in counseling couples through infidelity.

You may also want to consider individual counseling w/ someone who specializes in PTSD.

Sorry you're here. 

ETA: Look up posters "SomedayDig" and "Regret214". Dig was an airline pilot whose wife, Regret, cheated on him over a period of 5 years. They're a few years into their reconciliation and, by their account of things, they're doing well, even though there have been some hardships for both of them along the way. Their stories may help you to properly process your wife's affair.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Also, the following book may be helpful for the both of you...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

At 90ish pages, it's a very quick read, and is chock full of insight for the both of you... especially your wife.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife having a sexual affair with a family member is very disgusting. Your wife was having sex in your own home. They had their affair right under your nose.

You are an airline pilot and will be away many times. No, you cannot trust your wife. DNA your children. You caught her cheating because her cousin exposed her. She wrecked your marriage and also wrecked her family. She is a piece of work.

Many will encourage you to go to marriage counseling. I do not. See a psychologist and work on your mind. You are only 45years old. You have a long road in life. You deserve a wife that you can trust wholeheartedly as your job takes you away so many times. Your choice to stay in your marriage or not.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

When you find out let me know. It's been over 3 years for me... and oh by the way, my huband too is an airline pilot, his ow was a F/A... I now wonder about my whole marriage. 

~sammy


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And also remember there is nothing wrong with simply recognizing that you don't have it in you to ever trust her again, and don't let anyone shame you into thinking that you have to.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A couple of questions here:

(1) Do your kids know about, either from you or other relatives If so, to what extent? 

(2) Have you and your W had an actual sit-down, "Come-to-Jesus-Meeting" giving you both the personal and intimate details of how her affair with Ol' Cuz started, did it ever truly bother her conscience while she was deceptively banging away at him, lying to you about it either directly or by omission, and the wanton deception involved of sending your kids away on sleepovers, knowing that within hours, shes going to be doing Ol' Cuz right there under the roof that you provided her to live under, and likely in the very same sacred marital bed that you two occupy!

I'd say right now that it's totally your call as to what the living arrangements are going to be unti such time thatl she and you finish counseling, or an impasse develops. But at this juncture R should not, in any way, be considered a slam dunk! There still remains to be so many more unanswered questions rather than answered one's!

At the moment, I wouldn't even remotely consider having sex with her until all has been adjudicated and blown over! And also, you owe it to yourself to get a thorough medical checkup for the presence of STD's, since good Ol' Cuz was busy bedding other women besides your W!

Hate to see you here at TAM! But you've come to the right place! Best of luck to you, my friend!*


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *A couple of questions here:
> 
> (1) Do your kids know about, either from you or other relatives If so, to what extent? And what are their ages?
> 
> ...


arb, I feel the need to point out that -- in today's vernacular -- the term "hall pass" implies explicit permission given from one spouse to another to engage in adultery, typically of the ONS variety.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The trust my never return r75. What your W did was very calculating and orchestrated. That is something very hard for anyone to grasp. I'm sorry this has happened to you.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can you provide for us what steps each of you has taken, and those taken together on order to re-establish your bond and trust?

Counseling?

Access to information?

Frank reassessment of your marriage? Wants? Needs?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *
> At the moment, I wouldn't even remotely consider having sex with her until all has been adjudicated and blown over! *


rwstko75, in some jurisdictions, having sex is seen as legal forgiveness of her adultery. If adultery is a factor in divorce in your location, having sex with her could totally undermine your settlement. It could cost you big time. So don't have sex with her until you know from a qualified source how it might impact your divorce settlement if you do divorce her.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> arb, I feel the need to point out that -- in today's vernacular -- the term "hall pass" implies explicit permission given from one spouse to another to engage in adultery, typically of the ONS variety.


*Gus: Thanks for calling me out on my poor usage of words, Brother, and I'm going to edit that posting of mine just as soon as I'm done here!

"Hall pass" basically was meant to say that he'd stay there in the house with her, hopefully in separate bedrooms, until some semblence of truth is reached! And a decision accordingly made as to their future disposition!

That as opposed to to him either kicking her butt out of the house, or vacating the place of his own accord!*


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *At the moment, I wouldn't even remotely consider having sex with her until all has been adjudicated and blown over! And also, you owe it to yourself to get a thorough medical checkup for the presence of STD's, since good Ol' Cuz was bedding other women besides your W!*





Thor said:


> rwstko75, in some jurisdictions, having sex is seen as legal forgiveness of her adultery. If adultery is a factor in divorce in your location, having sex with her could totally undermine your settlement. It could cost you big time. So don't have sex with her until you know from a qualified source how it might impact your divorce settlement if you do divorce her.


Guys...



rwstko75 said:


> About *2 years ago* I found out that my wife had been having an affair with her cousins husband.


...unless OP is a paragon of restraint, I'd say that it's pretty likely that that ship has already sailed.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

rwstko,

Your wife cheated with a relative. Why did she go this route?

She needs to go to therapy.

Do you feel your sex life was a lie? Did she desire you?

What was in the emails that made the trucker cousin in law so hot?

Is your wife initiating sex with you?

Is she loving and affectionate?

Do you feel she is able to empathize with your pain?

Read Road Scholar's thread. Also, HardtoDetach.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Gus: Thanks for calling me out on my poor usage of words, and I'm going to edit that as soon as I'm done here!
> 
> "Hall pass" basically was meant that he'd stay there in the house with her, hopefully in separate bedrooms, until some semblence of truth is reached! And a decision accordingly made as to their future disposition!
> 
> That as opposed to to him either kicking her butt out of the house, or vacating the place of his own accord!*


LOL... given the context, I was pretty sure that's what you meant, but I nonetheless wanted to point out that your usage doesn't really fit today's usage of the term, lest some of the more zealous among us dogpile on you.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

RW, only you know how much you can take. You've said you love her "very much," but do you think your love can get you through this? Do you think that in years to come you'll be able to deal with the movies playing in your head of the two of them thrusting away at each other in your own home, probably in your own bed? If you can, kudos to you. I know in my heart that if I had discovered this about my wife, I would NEVER in a million years be able to forgive her and stay in the marriage.  I wouldn't be able to exit fast enough! I'm always amazed at the number of people who are able to reconcile with a wayward spouse. I know I never could.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Wow. A whole year. That is a long time and as many have said here, would have involved a lot of her time, planning.

The thing I would struggle with is that it wasn't an affair where she was swept up in something crazy and then realised her error and stopped it. She purposely maintained and nurtured the affair.

You also say you had a good marriage and I believe you. I felt the same.

So having been cheated on and now a year down the road, I think that even I (a very forgiving person), would really battle with trust.

One more thing I would like you to challenge yourself on. You say you have forgiven her, but have you really? I thought the same, but forgiveness for something like this can take YEARS. We are very good a burying things like this deep deep down and pretending we have forgiven someone just to cope and try to move on. Ask yourself again.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Your wife having a sexual affair with a family member is very disgusting. Your wife was having sex in your own home. They had their affair right under your nose.
> 
> You are an airline pilot and will be away many times. No, you cannot trust your wife. DNA your children. You caught her cheating because her cousin exposed her. She wrecked your marriage and also wrecked her family. She is a piece of work.
> 
> Many will encourage you to go to marriage counseling. I do not. See a psychologist and work on your mind. You are only 45years old. You have a long road in life. You deserve a wife that you can trust wholeheartedly as your job takes you away so many times. Your choice to stay in your marriage or not.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
DNA the kids in front of her.
Sorry you are here.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

thummper said:


> RW, only you know how much you can take. You've said you love her "very much," but do you think your love can get you through this? Do you think that in years to come you'll be able to deal with the movies playing in your head of the two of them thrusting away at each other in your own home, probably in your own bed? If you can, kudos to you. I know in my heart that if I had discovered this about my wife, I would NEVER in a million years be able to forgive her and stay in the marriage.  I wouldn't be able to exit fast enough! I'm always amazed at the number of people who are able to reconcile with a wayward spouse. I know I never could.


You know what, I still have feelings of love for my wife even a year after she totally screwed me over. You need to be aware that those feelings are so much a part of you now that they really do not serve your best interests.

So in essence, love is not a good enough reason to trust and stay.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What has she done to show you she is still not cheating?

Does she still send the kids away while you are gone and you would not know the difference?

Did she get tested for stds? Has she sent you "loving" messages?

She would not confess. Has she given you a timeline and diary of the A?

She does not respect you. She did it because she is selfish.

I do not think you can trust her. what do you want to do, stay with her?

So has she been to counseling and has some boundaries?


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Dont know if you are going to come back or not, but I am too struggling w the same things that you write. I've never been able to be sexual with my hub since. 

We had a pretty good marriage, and you know how difficult it can be in the airline environment. When he was away, I made sure when he came home it was us time. Hub and I were gypsies at heart, well matched. 

I cant even think about having sex with him as it is the very thing that broke up our marriage. I cant get the thoughts of him thrusting inside of her while I am in that position. How do I look into his eyes now and want to give of myself when I know he will in his mind be comparing, or thinking of... 

His affair killed a almost 30 yr marriage... sadly, there will alway be a 3rd person that is apart of us now. 

~sammy


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Posted by rwstko75:But every time that I look at my wife I see her in another mans arms and it is making me insane. 
I do not trust her one bit even though I haven't seen one thing to suspect in these past two years......maybe because I didn't see anything the first time?
How did any of you learn to trust your spouse again?
I love her very much and I forgive her but I cannot go the rest of my life with suspicion in my thoughts all the time.
If I even see her smile when she's talking with another man it makes me paranoid.
Can I learn to trust her again? Because this is eating me up inside.



******************************************************

Your WWs actions have destroyed another family...destroyed you trust ...,more than likely forever..she has lied , deceived and betrayed you.......

My only question would be" Why are you still there?"...

A BS can read all the "Books" they want...go to all the MC sessions you wish...For ALL BHs not matter what she does or you do...She can Never unfu^k the OM...ever...

Here is a great quote that resonated with me:“To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.”


― Malcolm X

Hope you find some sort of Peace with this and within yourself..


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The first thing that I'd recommend is to stop attending any sort of marital counseling w/ your pastor. Pretty much everything that he'll tell you will be aimed squarely at convincing you to stay in your marriage no matter what.
> 
> To be clear, I'm not saying that you should divorce, but anyone selling you a line of "forgive and forget", "get over it", etc, doesn't have your best interest at heart.
> 
> ...


If you want to R this is outstanding advice. The only thing I would change would be to prioritize working on yourself more. You didn’t ask for any of this and the foundation of your world view has been shaken. Can you trust anyone ever again? Are you a desirable person? Are you a fool for being so trusting? 

Regardless if your marriage last or not you will be stuck with yourself forever and need to be the best person you can be for your kids.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

rwstko75 said:


> We went to counseling with our pastor and my wife swore that this was a one time thing.


That makes it sound like an accident. It was as many times as she could get away with it. She used your kids in that she arranged sleepovers so that she could screw. You were so trusting that you opened your home to him. How did they reward your trust?

Even if you’re kids look just like you it can be good thing to DNA test them. It’s a concrete symbol to your wife of what she has done to your trust. She can no longer be indignant of a suggestion that another man fathered the children. She can no longer say: “What kind of woman do you think I am?” because she has proven what kind of woman she is. 

You can buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. Then send the kit along with $130 to a lab.

EDIT: 



rwstko75 said:


> They live up in Syracuse, NY and he is a trucker whose route is Syracuse to Atlanta.


The OM may have deducted the cost of a hotel room to the IRS when he was staying with you for free. I would drop a dime on him with the IRS. They even offer rewards.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

rwstko75,

Consider conveying to your WW that you don't know whether or not you can forgive her or whether or not the marriage will survive. This can help take a lot of the pressure off you and put it right where it belongs, on her. She destroyed the trust and she should face the consequences for it. Make it clear to her that she has to go to IC (individual counseling) to address the issue of why she was so willing to destroy her marriage and her family. 

Lastly, regardless of whether your marriage survives or not, you need to recover from her betrayal so concentrate on your personal recovery *first*. Like it or not, you are going to need therapy to help you not only with the mental movies but with purging the anger and bitterness which will have a far more reaching impact on your health and on your relationships with others. Do it.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ah...this reminds me of my incestuous family. 

Personally, I would tell you not to. 
She denied the affair when you confronted her. Not a good sign. 
And the pastor? Really? Your marriage may have taken place in a church, but a marriage is a business contract, nothing more, nothing less. 
And if you say you want a divorce, I don't see any pastor giving that a stamp of approval. 
Who's idea was the pastor? Her's? If so, I'll give her credit. She was smart enough to come up with a plan for what to do if she was caught. 


And was the OM in the military? Because I believe that impacts how the divorce will proceed if he was.


----------



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you all for your input.
We've counseled with our pastor but my wife says she wants to move on. Truthfully, I am not comfortable talking about it. It makes me feel like a failure that she sought something from another man. She's Asian and I think she is already ashamed, more so due to her culture and upbringing, that her parents know of this through family ties, etc.
And, yes, that ship has sailed as far as a physical relationship. But I do not feel a "connect" to her emotionally any more. We talk. But, as you can imagine, I feel that I have to guard myself in what I reveal to her. Is that from lack of trust?
And I know many pilots have that rep for fooling around. I vow to you, on my grandfathers grave, I never even thought about betraying my vow to her. I've spent a lot of nights in hotel rooms while the flight crews went out-some of them up to no good behind spouses or partners backs.
I only know that it started one weekend,when we visited up there to see my brother and his wife in Elmira. She said they,her and her cousins husband,were alone one afternoon while his wife was still at work and it "just happened". I know,hard to believe anyone that says "it just happened". Something like that doesn't "just happen". There must have been something that led up to that. So,yes, she has lost my trust right there because I know it never "just happened". suddenly one day.
When I did press her on it she just cries and babbles incoherently.
When I ask her if she loves me she cries.
My parents are married 51 years. Divorce,even in this day and age,is luckily foreign to my family. I don't know of anyone,even cousins,that's ever been. I can't imagine going on not able to trust someone and I can't imagine going on without them.
I appreciate all of your input. I will ask her to see a counselor. And I am considering ending this marriage but it will kill me to not be around my sons.
I ordered the book, two copies, and will ask her to read it as well.


----------



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

Honestly, looking in the mirror, I think that I am staying because I love my sons so much. They don't know of what happened and I wouldn't tell them. Let them be innocent at least. 
We sit and watch tv, kids between us, and I feel they are all that keeps me there some days because , many of you are right, I simply am tortured by imagining what went on in our home as I trusted her.
I wonder if he was there, in our bed, as we talked on the phone or if she was sharing intimacies with him about our marriage. 
I could never do that to her. Spite her with an affair of my own. I'd rather just walk away. But my sons, I treasure them.
So, yes, I am torn.
And I don't know if I have truly forgiven? I do not trust her so how have I forgiven her?
I don't know the answers.
I thought we had a good intimate relationship physically. She was always happy when I got home from a trip and I was happy to be home. Physically, things seemed fine. Maybe she was lonely? I don't know. I've certainly spent time blaming myself if she did.
Like I stated. I am very torn on this and don't want to lose my sons at the very least.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You really can't forgive her...hell you don't even know what your forgiving her for.

In my case i had to have questions just like your answered!

I'm 5 yrs into R and I know exactly what I have forgiven ....as painful as it was to hear it was also one of many consequences my old lady had to face. The shame in her face when we were talking about details....I believe it is a shame that will never leave her.

Not only did she have to deal with the walk of shame (that night) as she went through the hotel lobby on her way out...but she had to relive it again during the confrontation we had.

Again how can you really forgive the disrespect when you don't even know at what level it went to? How can you forgive the physical level of the affair when you don't even know how physical it had gotten.

In my case I didn't have to burn my bed, but I did trade in the SUV for a coupe.
Now she can bearly fit her dry cleaning in it much less lay out a blanket and phuck some strange!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Partial trust may come back eventually but complete trust is another story. Why would any of us ever again 100% trust someone who cheated on us when there's no guarantee it won't happen again? 

We are never again as naive as we were before infidelity entered our lives -- that time when we couldn't imagine our spouse was capable of cheating. Now we know better. So, going forward, trust is more limited than it once was. That's just part of the fallout.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Where are you from? I ask because every so often we have people from other parts of the world and we often tend to give them advice that is more geared towards American, British, and other western nationalities.


----------



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

You don't. Trust is a one time thing.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

rwstko75 said:


> Honestly, looking in the mirror, I think that I am staying because I love my sons so much. They don't know of what happened and I wouldn't tell them. Let them be innocent at least.
> We sit and watch tv, kids between us, and I feel they are all that keeps me there some days because , many of you are right, I simply am tortured by imagining what went on in our home as I trusted her.
> I wonder if he was there, in our bed, as we talked on the phone or if she was sharing intimacies with him about our marriage.
> I could never do that to her. Spite her with an affair of my own. I'd rather just walk away. But my sons, I treasure them.
> ...



If you are staying for sons, you are very likely doing them a disservice. You think they did not suspect anything during the regular sleepovers? And they did not notice "uncle" who used to visit regularly never coming now ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Where are you from? I ask because every so often we have people from other parts of the world and we often tend to give them advice that is more geared towards American, British, and other western nationalities.





> I am 45 & my wife is 38. We have been married 12 years now & have two sons,9 & 7, and we live near Atlanta, GA


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It will take time.

And it is unlikely that it will ever be 100% again, but I can live with that. Well, that's me talking about my case.

Your wife wants to "move on?" Oh, brother! Really?:scratchhead:

Well, that's so sweet of her. She wants to pretend she didn't make out like one of those people on the Jerry Springer Show? "Well, ma wife, she done had an a-fair wit her own cousin!" 

You do need counselling. Preferably with a professional. Ask you pastor and check his credentials. If he doesn't have any, seek a professional. There a link on TAM to a directory The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory.

You'll all be in my prayers. Good luck, it's a long road, but you can make it.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

rwstko75 said:


> Thank you all for your input.
> We've counseled with our pastor but my wife says she wants to move on. Truthfully, I am not comfortable talking about it. It makes me feel like a failure that she sought something from another man. She's Asian and I think she is already ashamed, more so due to her culture and upbringing, that her parents know of this through family ties, etc.
> And, yes, that ship has sailed as far as a physical relationship. But I do not feel a "connect" to her emotionally any more. We talk. But, as you can imagine, I feel that I have to guard myself in what I reveal to her. Is that from lack of trust?
> And I know many pilots have that rep for fooling around. I vow to you, on my grandfathers grave, I never even thought about betraying my vow to her. I've spent a lot of nights in hotel rooms while the flight crews went out-some of them up to no good behind spouses or partners backs.
> ...




Is she doing the same thing now also? Did she gave you a time line and details about her A? Is she truly remorseful and ready to do anything to ease your pain?

If any of the answer is NO then you are not in true R. You canot forgive something you dont know what you are forgiving.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

One thing that I think people get lost in w the thoughts of D is that they feel they are losing their children . You arent divorcing them, its the spouse you are. 

Being a pilot, I take a commercial, you understand that you take family members to their families for holiday's and its often the flight crews that are without their. They have to change Xmas to another day, as Thanksgiving, and often miss the children school events, but it's made up in other ways. You're away from home as it is, your children are use to that. In fact some of my sons friends complained they never saw their own dad and they worked in the same towns and was home 24/7, as my son did as much of his. 

If you were to get your own housing, rooms for your boys, set the life up when they are with you, they live w wife while your on trips, you live close by. Children tend to think of things as adventure. 

Then take a few months to think things thur... You need to get your feet back on the ground, ((no pun intended)) to see what you should to do. IMHO


~sammy

PS.I get the no one D in the family stuff too. My parents married 62 yr. Im the only one on all sides to separated,... god forbid! D ! lots of cousins included on both side! I had the "cherry marriage' in the eyes of all! Pffffffttt!


----------



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

Thanks to all! I really appreciate the input and the brutal honesty. I never saw myself as someone that'd be on an internet forum discussing anything, much less this nightmare.
To answer one question. I am from Pennsylvania originally, Allentown, and my wife was born in the Philippines though she grew up in New jersey.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rwstko75 said:


> Thanks to all! I really appreciate the input and the brutal honesty. I never saw myself as someone that'd be on an internet forum discussing anything, much less this nightmare.
> To answer one question. I am from Pennsylvania originally, Allentown, and my wife was born in the Philippines though she grew up in New jersey.


Any recent discussions w/ the wife regarding the state of your marriage?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

At the risk of sounding racist - and there it is again - the Philippines - when will they ever learn ?


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

rwstko75 said:


> *I do not trust her one bit even though I haven't seen one thing to suspect in these past two years*......maybe because I didn't see anything the first time?
> *How did any of you learn to trust your spouse again?*I love her very much and I forgive her but I cannot go the rest of my life with suspicion in my thoughts all the time.
> If I even see her smile when she's talking with another man it makes me paranoid.
> *Can I learn to trust her again? Because this is eating me up inside.*


rw75,

5+ years ago I got that same call one evening. 30 years of Marriage crushed in 15 seconds. Short story... years of C, we R. 

_"Can I learn to trust her again?"_

IMO, regretfully... Not. 

But that's not the whole story... It's taken me many years to understand the real meaning when someone speaks of Trust. Most that have never been cheated on see it as more or less a belief that someone is just Truthful. But here's the issue. You expected and believed that your spouse was more than that. She was in your eyes an Honest, Decent person that understood the importance of your Vows. 

_"Can I learn to trust her again?"_

Respectfully...

From now on, she can be as Truthful and Faithful as the day you were married, but you know what she did. You know how far she went to deceive you. She lied even when confronted with the damning proof (They all do). In your eyes she will always be somewhat Tarnished, Damaged Goods. 

This is were you will struggle. I fully believe She can redeem her Trust to you in time, but you will forever she her as someone different.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is a certain innocence before you've been cheated on that is gone forever. You can't imagine beforehand that the person you trusted most in the world really could rip your heart out. But they did. So while you may be able to trust them to a certain extent at some point, it would not be a good idea to completely trust them again. That's what can make R so hard and it's probably why some fail. You want to fully trust them but you know what they are capable of now. So you don't.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Openminded said:


> There is a certain innocence before you've been cheated on that is gone forever. You can't imagine beforehand that the person you trusted most in the world really could rip your heart out. But they did. *So while you may be able to trust them to a certain extent at some point, it would not be a good idea to completely trust them again.* That's what can make R so hard and it's probably why some fail. You want to fully trust them but you know what they are capable of now. So you don't.


_The Betrayed Spouse Paradox_

For a Marriage to Succeed it would seem that Trust must be given. Damn near impossible in R.


----------



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

I just wanted to update you all and let the naysayers know that they were right.
last Friday I came home from work to find our neighbor, Janet, watching my boys. I could tell by the look on her face and her greeting that something was wrong. She cut me off as I started to inquire where Rose was and said she would take my boys out for dinner with her kids if it was ok. My wife had asked her to be at our house to greet the boys off the school bus.
I went to our bedroom and my wife had left me a note that she "loved Brian", her cousins husband,and was leaving to be with him. She'd packed the night before and left with him after dropping our boys at school.
So, I spent this week looking for and hiring a nanny to watch my kids until I can get my head together and wrap it around what has happened here.
My wife called me last weekend and said that she does not want custody of the boys and wants a divorce. She's shacked up with Brian somewhere. She would not tell me where. Our boys are so confused. I do not even know where to begin, or how, explaining this to them.
Thank you to those that supported me. I am crushed. My boys are devastated. I cannot imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.
You were right. She could not be trusted.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man. 

ETA: Use whatever fog she's in and strike while the iron is hot. Start shopping around for lawyers and file for divorce ASAP.

ETA #2: Did she take a cellphone w/ her? If so, what kind? You may be able to use it to find out where she's currently located.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there man a lot of guys with kids had the same crap happen to them.....i have been her for quite some time and in the end it all works out with a new women that is also there for they guys kids.

So hang in there, you have more crap to go through, but some of the toughest challanges in life bring the greatest reward!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what it's worth they usaully come crawling back in a few months.

The thing is once the excitement and thrill of the affair is out and *real* life comes into play the relationship that was built on lies will fall apart and when that happens your wife will realize what a huge mistake she made.

or

She will miss her kids to much...come home and treat you like shyt!


PREPARE YOUR SELF IT'S COMING !!!!!! If you think she is mind phucking you now, what until she comes crawling back for one reason or another...and believe me that reason has nothing to do with you.....it will be for the kids and for money and even to save her reputation......

At the end of the day she is doing you a favor so good for you, and screwing her kids over so shame on her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What a piece of filth. Get that divorce going hard. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Stay with us and let us give you support through this nightmare.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry man.
> 
> ETA: Use whatever fog she's in and strike while the iron is hot. Start shopping around for lawyers and file for divorce ASAP.
> 
> ETA #2: Did she take a cellphone w/ her? If so, what kind? You may be able to use it to find out where she's currently located.


Gus is right.
Now she is in fantasyland and will give you what ever you want in the divorce settlement.

You wait a few month...she comes crawling back..it will be harder for you to get a better division of assest and child support.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

what if she changes her mind and wants the kids?

if I was you, set up a custody hear...she won't show and you win by default.

Or do you want her to take the kids on the road with her?

This is not the same women you married. She told you she would be true to you....now she is telling you that you can have the kids...what do think will happen next?

She will want her kids with her so do not waste your time on this and act now.

Trust me it happens all the time...once the honeymoon is over with this new guy she'll come for the kids

By acting now it will prevent her from taking the kids out of their home and away from there school.

she can see them all she want...it just protects them from her stupid crap she might try to pull.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow, cold hearted mother. 
Take her up on her offer while it lasts.

Remember what she is capable of if she ever tries to come back.
Unbelievable.

I am so sorry, but you will get through this and your sons will too.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

rwstko75 said:


> I just wanted to update you all and let the naysayers know that they were right.
> last Friday I came home from work to find our neighbor, Janet, watching my boys. I could tell by the look on her face and her greeting that something was wrong. She cut me off as I started to inquire where Rose was and said she would take my boys out for dinner with her kids if it was ok. My wife had asked her to be at our house to greet the boys off the school bus.
> I went to our bedroom and my wife had left me a note that she "loved Brian", her cousins husband,and was leaving to be with him. She'd packed the night before and left with him after dropping our boys at school.
> So, I spent this week looking for and hiring a nanny to watch my kids until I can get my head together and wrap it around what has happened here.
> ...


*It's now time to drive the nails in the proverbial coffin! If you have not already done so, get to a lawyer, give him the note she left you as evidence, and have him immediately file your divorce petition, along with full custody of your kids.

Be gentle and loving when you break the news to the boys, offering only that she chose another lifestyle over that of your family that you don't really know why, but that you suspect that she still loves them so very much for who they are! And that the three of you will persevere together, and most importantly that you will always be there for them, no matter what!

You also should share the details of this latest revelation with your cousins wife, to effect any decision that she may want to make regarding her future with him!*


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

the guy said:


> Gus is right.
> 
> Now she is in fantasyland and will give you what ever you want in the divorce settlement.
> 
> You wait a few month...she comes crawling back..it will be harder for you to get a better division of assest and child support.


:iagree:


Scan the note and keep it in a safe place.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I can definetly empathize with you since I'm primarily in the same boat as you are and I'm confused about what forgiveness looks like in my marriage after the affair. My pastor stresses transparency to him in moving on but I absolutely hate being this person who now has to check emails, phone records, etc to keep my husband faithful. It shouldn't require this much work to trust someone but now it does. Even after two years, I can't say I truly trust him. Sorry if my response isn't that helpful


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

It is good for you man,you will find another woman who will love you and respect you.
You will be good without her,belive me my friend.

Just one more thing,save that "paper" where she writes you about not wanting her kids,it will help you in divorce.


Take care my friend and trust me,you will be good


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Get your divorce expediently while she is still dillusional. Take your children to counseling, so that they can adjust to their circumstances. You need to see a psychologist as well to get your mind straight.

Do not ever let this woman back into your life. This woman is beyond the pale. In Filipino families, it is disgraceful to have affairs, especially for women with children. She abandoned your children. A cheating woman will shame her immediate family, her parents, and any relations. 

My mother was from the Philippines and their custom is family-oriented. (My parents were married for 63 years.) Your wife is out- of- the box in their culture. Your wife is a piece of work in any society. So, be done with her and move on.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your wife abandoned her children. Use that to full advantage and get a new pastor, your current pastor is ineffective at best. I am being extremely restrained in my comments about your pastor. I am not impressed to say the least!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I am very sorry for the spot you find yourself in.

As others have pointed out, now is the time for action. 

Get the D going as fast as you can. You will likely get the best possible settlement this way and you can begin focusing on rebuilding your life without the disgusting mother who ran out on her kids.


I was not in your exact position, but I filed and moved forward with the D as quickly as possible. My XWW agreed to a good deal for me and from my perspective a good deal for our boys.

It worked for me- strike while the iron is hot.

Do not be surprised if she comes running back when hit with the reality that you aren't sitting at home pining away. 

Stay strong, focus on you and your kids.

You can and will get through this.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Get yourself a lawyer and get full custody of your children first and foremost. Then you have him file for child support. If she doesn't have a job, then she'll need to get one and if she refuses to pay support then find a way to have her selfish ass arrested. Make sure that all your finances are in order and all your bank accounts and credit cards are in your name. 

There's a good chance she's going to want to come back as soon as she finds out that her new guy is banging another woman in some other state and bet the house it will happen but you better be prepared for that and don't fall for the crying because her tears are nothing but acid and they will burn and scar you again.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op. 

OMG!! I am soooo sorry this happened to you like this! Please, please, take the advise from above. Start your life anew. It's going to take a while, I'm going on 4 yrs this May, and am still living with out any direction. 

You have been hit double whammy, first the affair, and now her surprise leaving. 

Go NC...also there's care.com for care givers, it may help.

The problems your wife will be facing are going to be bigger than she even realize yet. Give her what she wants, they are doomed anyway...

~sammy


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

rwstko

Your wife is a WAW. WAW= walk away wife.

This is very sad for both of you.

Now you know why you never got real answers from her. She never wanted to look you in the eye and admit she loved the OM, wanted to be with him and no longer wanted to raise your children.

This is so F'd up in so many ways as you can imagine.

Now pick up the pieces. Take care of yourself and the boys as best you can. Divorce her.

And have a great life. The woman you chose to love and marry turned out to be a lemon.

Do not let this event dissuade you from a happy future. You and your boys deserve better.

go find it.

Your wife will one day regret her decisions.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

HM


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Decorum said:


> Wow, cold hearted mother.
> Take her up on her offer while it lasts.
> 
> Remember what she is capable of if she ever tries to come back.
> ...


sorry to hear this . as a mother myself , I cant imagine this .

divorce her get the kids and wait for a better woman .

bless you .


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

*Re: How do you ever trust them agai.n?*



arbitrator said:


> *It's now time to drive the nails in the proverbial coffin! If you have not already done so, get to a lawyer, give him the note she left you as evidence, and have him immediately file your divorce petition, along with full custody of your kids.
> 
> Be gentle and loving when you break the news to the boys, offering only that she chose another lifestyle over that of your family that you don't really know why, but that you suspect that she still loves them so very much for who they are! And that the three of you will persevere together, and most importantly that you will always be there for them, no matter what!
> 
> You also should share the details of this latest revelation with your cousins wife, to effect any decision that she may want to make regarding her future with him!*


good advice on what to say to the boys . hard to say that bcoz it is not true .

but the boys will know the truth from the relatives , in my experience , gossips work fast and merciless .

love your boys. take care .


----------



## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

This is a terrible story and I am truly sorry to hear it. I have personally witnessed many such "happenings" when it comes to Philippina women (just as one of the other posters here said) - it is a very matriarchal society and the women (IMO) cannot be trusted to be faithful in general. The men try and cope with it and as for foreigners, they really are on the receiving end of it.

Get legal custody of the kids (you say they are boys, which kind of explains the abandonment) while you can.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Her cousin divorced her husband and told me that my wife had simply been one of several he'd been messing around with.


Her world is going to crash soon. Make sure you and your sons are in a safe place away from her influence when this happens.

really sorry this happened to your family. Take care of yourself.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow, how coincidental that just now, within a month of your first post, your wife decided to abandon her family and run off with "Brian".


----------



## rwstko75 (Feb 19, 2015)

Thank you all for your advice. I have heeded it and got a lawyer this week. I'm filing for divorce, child support and seeking full custody of the kids. My sister, she is single, is relocating to stay with us and help me out as I cannot simply walk away from my work. I got a leave of absence for 30 days but I'd like to get back in the ****pit as I'm spending far too much time down in the dumps over this.
I feel as if I am living a horrible nightmare and the boys are crying at bedtime about their mommy not being here anymore.
I cancelled all of our credit cards, except the Amex, and took her name off of that. I didn't even think to ask the lawyer about things like auto insurance, life insurance,etc. but my brother (he is not a lawyer) seems to think that as long as we're still married that I cannot take her name off of those. 
I'm feeling pretty down but spending time with the boys has picked up my spirits. We kicked a soccer ball around today and just hung out and talked.
You are all right. I have to get her out of my system. The feeling of being betrayed by someone I trusted completely is immense though.
Thank you all. I will keep you updated.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Has she tried contacting the boys in the last 8 days?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Your brother is right.

Listen to your attorney.

Make a list of the items you need to get answers to and cover them with your attorney.

Find out if abandonment has a timeline in your state. Use that to your advantage.

Your wife will be back in some capacity in the future.
Make sure all your bases are covered when that happens.

HM


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend,do you have some updates on your situation ?


----------

