# Asking for a little bit of advice ....



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, no children. We’ve had our issues in the past. He was hitting on other women and sexting a coworker of his as his previous place of employment at around 2 years of marriage. I know our marriage hasn’t been that great since and we will be going to marriage counseling this week. But I wanted to get some feedback on this issue as sometimes I know I can be insecure due to our past issues.

There is this woman that my husband works with that he is fond of. When she started working there he started to pay more attention to his appearance and he started coming home in a much better mood. He has mentioned that if he was single he would totally date her. Sometimes I catch him daydreaming with a smirk on his face. When I ask him what he is thinking about he gets startled and says nothing. He says all they do is talk about work. He told me that if they happen to talk about anything other than work he would tell me about it. 

So my husband is a manager at a firm he is trying to become partner so one of the partners had him have a talk this woman that works under him about some HR issue.Well, now he had to have a not so great discussion about this HR issue with her and he comes home in the worst mood. Like the discussion didn't go well with her. Like she got upset with him about it. He doesn’t want to eat dinner. I can tell he is sad and worried I ask him what is wrong and he just says that he has too much work to do. I feel like he is caring a little too much about her feelings and I feel like this woman is too much in my husband’s head. I couldn’t find any emails between the two of them that were inappropriate – but my husband knows that I will occasionally look through his emails. Can you guys give me some feedback on this ? I am thinking about bringing her up in our marriage counseling session.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Those hr conversations suck no matter who they're with. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

That's true - but would you get so worried and sad that you don't want to eat dinner?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did he make a move on her and get knocked back?

If so, he might be concerned about his future at the company, should she choose to report him.

And telling you he would date if if he were single? That was very wrong of him.

Bring this up during your counselling.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I'm not sure he would tell me if he made a move on her. I do know that he was suppose to have a discussion with her about an HR issue yesterday. His mood when he got home told me that it didn't go to well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is his direct report?

He had to deliver bad news to her about her performance, or missing time, missing deadlines, discipline problems, etc.? 

He had to be the bad guy?

She may have been sucking up to him, hoping to rope him in with her womanly attributes, not her work skills.
She hoped to control him through his ego, sending sweet signals to his male antennae. 
.................................................................................
When the Human Relations Dept. talk occurred:

Her hopes went down.
His erection went with it.

I suspect that [she felt] that she would just cruise thru the face-to-face session.
When it did not go as planned, she disappointed all. 
Popped your husband's fantasy bubble. 

Maybe she threw your husband under the bus. More likely she just did poorly in the session.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> He has mentioned that if he was single he would totally date her.


It seems that all you have that is not guess work is the above quote. However, that is enough for you to be very concerned. Why would someone tell their spouse that they would date a person that is not their wife? Your husband has a history of being interested too much in other women so I would not hold back anything at the counseling session and every other conversation that you have with your husband.

He is either going to NOT give any other women what you deserved or you can start taking some legal steps. No *****footing around, it is time to get real tough, real hard consequences!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'd bring it up in marriage counseling. All of it. The fact that he's taking extra effort with his appearance, his past dalliances, and that he would date his co-worker if he were single is telling you a lot. I'd be extremely concerned.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck . . .

ETA: He better be mighty careful choosing his place of employment as hunting grounds for some strange. That is a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> That's true - but would you get so worried and sad that you don't want to eat dinner?


I have had to fire people. People who I wasn't attracted to, but I knew that were decent people with families. Yes, it affected me enough that I didn't feel like eating (or talking to my wife about it for that matter).


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Now firing someone - I could understand that. I guess I didn't clarify and I just said HR issues. He had to talk to her about putting too much time on her timesheet and one of the partners noticed it to be a trend. And if she got fired I probably wouldn't be posting on this forum.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConstantSpeed said:


> He has mentioned that if he was single he would totally date her.


He mentioned it to YOU?!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> He mentioned it to YOU?!


Ya this would piss me off just as it is. 

I don't need that information. 


Op- you mentioned he has sexted other women at work before. Do you know what the HR issues is? Could it be they crossed a line, even flirting or sexual texts, and since he's her superior now they need to sort it out? 

He doesn't sound great with his boundaries.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya this would piss me off just as it is.
> 
> I don't need that information.
> 
> ...


The HR issue was that one of the partners of his firm noticed that she was putting in too many hours on her timesheet and it was beginning to be a trend. So they asked him to talk to her about it. I think because he is on the partner track he needs to start dealing with employee issues.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Yeah and he is not good with boundaries - we go to marriage counseling this week so I think that is something that I will bring up.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> He mentioned it to YOU?!


Yeah - We got into a huge fight about it but I haven't been well enough to go through marriage counseling with him to either move on to file a divorce or to make our marriage better.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> The HR issue was that one of the partners of his firm noticed that she was putting in too many hours on her timesheet and it was beginning to be a trend. So they asked him to talk to her about it. I think because he is on the partner track he needs to start dealing with employee issues.


Oh, well that is good at least. 

I'd still feel kind of annoyed by his emotional investment in her and its kind of a crappy situation since you can't show a clear wrong doing but it still upsets you. You say something and you're "jealous" 

I think it's a good idea to discuss tightening up his boundaries.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Oh, well that is good at least.
> 
> I'd still feel kind of annoyed by his emotional investment in her and its kind of a crappy situation since you can't show a clear wrong doing but it still upsets you. You say something and you're "jealous"
> 
> I think it's a good idea to discuss tightening up his boundaries.


Exactly - that's what it is - he is emotionally invested in her and it's super annoying. I'm not sure if she knows this or how they act around each other - if they flirt with one another. I don't know. He won't tell me about any of their conversations. He just says its all work related so I don't need to know about it.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

So, after this sexting incident (assuming it was just sexting and just one and you haven't caught him again), how have you felt? Do you check on him often? Do you often worry about him at work? Before this woman? Now? Anywhere and everywhere? 

I guess my point is, is this worth it? If you had known that you'd feel this way 7 years into a marriage, and this is the path you two would take, would you still have married him? If the answer is a no, then gtfo.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Yeah - We got into a huge fight about it but I haven't been well enough to go through marriage counseling with him to either move on to file a divorce or to make our marriage better.


I can think of two women who I worked with (not at the same time!) who, had I been single, I would have loved to have dated.
*

And I would not dream of telling my wife this. EVER!*

Does he often come out with such truthful but hurtful nonsense?

Is there an issue with being on the autism spectrum, perhaps?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He's pretty stereotypical.

An obnoxious, arrogant lawyer full of himself. Always on the hunt for something new and different. Lucky, lucky you.

I met one of them once, on a dating site. He continually pursued me but he wasn't really my type. The liar tried to tell me he and his wife were separated and my rule was that I don't date separated men. He was extremely insistent so I decided to do a little recon work on him and surprise surprise - he was actively married, NOT separated. I asked him if his wife <insert her name here> would be joining us on our first date, and then I shut his ass down.

Your lawyer husband sounds just as smarmy as the one I dealt with.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

You have no children? Get away from this man. Things are only going to get worse. The only thing standing between your H and a full on PA (if he hasn't had one already) is opportunity. He's too far gone to change and has no respect for you whatsoever. Don't waste one more second with him unless you can live with knowing your H pines for other women and would sleep with one given the chance. RUN !


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Your husband has very poor boundaries and does not seem to respect you at all. Heck, it doesn't even sound like he truly loves you like a husband should. 

Many spouses who cheat do so with guilt and despite the horrible act, they at least do so in secrecy and try to spare their partner's feelings. Despite what happened 2 years ago, he isn't even making up for it and helping you to trust him. He also totally disrespected you by having the nerve to say he would date her. Your husband is NOT a monogamous man. I imagine in a few years his behaviour would worsen. 

A husband should make his wife feel safe, loved and worthy, like the only girl in his world. I am sorry to say this but I think you married the wrong man. I would highly recommend for you to start detaching and leave him. Or try to flirt with men at work yourself, tell him about it & see how he reacts. If he gets the message and stops, then maybe you both have a shot. Last resort, move out & tell him it's either YOU or HER. Should he hesitate, you got your answer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Now firing someone - I could understand that. I guess I didn't clarify and I just said HR issues. He had to talk to her about putting too much time on her timesheet and one of the partners noticed it to be a trend. And *if she got fired* I probably wouldn't be posting on this forum.


Uh,

*You got fired....fired up.*!

Your' Husband got burned... from her burning lies...he had to OK her excess time(s), Methinks. That looked bad on him. Not doing his due-diligence.
Her perfume clouded his 'accounting' skills.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If my H told me I didn't need to hear about what goes on in his work I would instantly assume he's cheating. And I probably wouldn't stay married to someone with that attitude.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

OP-in my own experience with a cheating husband he started shutting me completely out of any work related talk whereas before we would do the usual back and forth of how was your day and he would share those details with me. When he started sleeping with his AP who it turned out was also a co-worker, is when I got one word answers about how did work go that day; which typically consisted of "fine" or it was just the "usual stuff" nothing exceptional etc. He also completely stopped mentioning her to me except if something was wrong with her; AP had a bad day, AP is going through some issues with her kids and needs my help. Blah, blah, blah. It most definitely affected his moods. What would also be concerning to me though is that he was sexting only 2 years into your marriage. Was that ever dealt with? Sounds like this is a pattern of his. If you still decide to do marriage counseling with him then yes of course bring up everything. That will give the counselor the information she/he needs to counsel you both and get the whole story which needs to be put out there and addressed for both of you.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

turnera said:


> If my H told me I didn't need to hear about what goes on in his work I would instantly assume he's cheating. And I probably wouldn't stay married to someone with that attitude.


Yes this. When you get pushed out as a spouse and the AP is replaced by you in his life-work related and all else. Remember it is supposed to be husband and wife against the world not husband and AP with you being second to her.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Herschel said:


> So, after this sexting incident (assuming it was just sexting and just one and you haven't caught him again), how have you felt? Do you check on him often? Do you often worry about him at work? Before this woman? Now? Anywhere and everywhere?
> 
> I guess my point is, is this worth it? If you had known that you'd feel this way 7 years into a marriage, and this is the path you two would take, would you still have married him? If the answer is a no, then gtfo.


He was really attentive, keeping his eyes on me and not checking out other women when we were out, very good with his boundaries, and going to church for probably about one year after the whole incident. But as the years past his efforts started to wane. I was going to individual therapy for a while but they had told me that I was too depressed to be in marriage counseling. So I've been feeling better lately and I've made an appointment for Friday. But no, had a known that I was going to STILL be dealing with his wandering eyes, poor boundaries, and just plain meanness with no regard to my feelings. I should have filed for a divorce when I found out about the sexting.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I can think of two women who I worked with (not at the same time!) who, had I been single, I would have loved to have dated.
> *
> 
> And I would not dream of telling my wife this. EVER!*
> ...


Yes, he is does say truthful but hurtful things to me. And when I start complaining about what he says he just says he is just being honest. And then he asks me if he wants me to honest with him. 

No, he is not autistic. He is a perfectionist though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Yes, he is does say truthful but hurtful things to me. And when I start complaining about what he says he just says he is just being honest. And then he asks me if he wants me to honest with him.
> 
> No, he is not autistic. He is a perfectionist though.


https://psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/short-autism-quiz.cgi
Fill this in with the answers you think your husband would give, but do not tell him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConstantSpeed said:


> But no, had I known that I was going to STILL be dealing with his wandering eyes, poor boundaries, and just plain meanness with no regard to my feelings. I should have filed for a divorce when I found out about the sexting.


So you DO know what the right response is.

When are you going to do it?


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Hi,
So my husband and I have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. I finally brought up the women at his work and my concerns about her and the counselor - which is a male counselor said that I don't have proof of texting or sexting this women so that I am just insecure and I need to work on my insecurity. That if I go "looking" for things then I will find them and use them to feed my insecurities. My husband says that there is nothing going on with her. What do you guys think? And what are your thoughts on male counselors vs female counselors?


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

It seems like my male counselor that we have been going to is being dismissive of me and my feelings on this. But I'm not sure so I just wanted to get your guys feedback.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi,
> 
> So my husband and I have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. I finally brought up the women at his work and my concerns about her and the counselor - which is a male counselor said that I don't have proof of texting or sexting this women so that I am just insecure and I need to work on my insecurity. That if I go "looking" for things then I will find them and use them to feed my insecurities. My husband says that there is nothing going on with her. What do you guys think? And what are your thoughts on male counselors vs female counselors?




I’d look for a new counselor. Do you feel that this one really hears you, and understands your perspective? 

Part of self esteem is having the confidence and self respect to establish boundaries, such as those that you may want to instill around texting and (new, post-marriage) opposite sex friendships.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think your counselor is sexist and siding with the man. They're just human, after all. Tell him exactly what you think and give him one chance to treat you equal to your husband before you find a new therapist.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Our MC is a man. He's not perfect but he's quite good and fair. 

Yours is not sympathetic to your feelings. If there is nothing there then you will never find it... neither of these men seem to be caring about how you feel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IF you have to keep going to this therapist, just call him out on his sexist behavior.

"Why is it that *I* am expected to stuff my feelings for HIS sake, but he is not expected to do the same? Please do tell me." And then just sit back and let him try to explain himself.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

veganmermaid said:


> I’d look for a new counselor. Do you feel that this one really hears you, and understands your perspective?
> 
> Part of self esteem is having the confidence and self respect to establish boundaries, such as those that you may want to instill around texting and (new, post-marriage) opposite sex friendships.


that is what I was thinking. I don't think he really hears me.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> IF you have to keep going to this therapist, just call him out on his sexist behavior.
> 
> "Why is it that *I* am expected to stuff my feelings for HIS sake, but he is not expected to do the same? Please do tell me." And then just sit back and let him try to explain himself.


 No, I don't have to stay with him. I think I might say that to him. Our next appointment is on Friday.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I was just trying to get some feedback because he made really ***ty about even bringing the coworker up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To both of them: "I'm not willing to stay married to a man who makes me question his fidelity. You're free to do whatever you want with your coworker. I'm free to leave you if you don't show me some respect."


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

turnera said:


> To both of them: "I'm not willing to stay married to a man who makes me question his fidelity. You're free to do whatever you want with your coworker. I'm free to leave you if you don't show me some respect."


Wish I could triple LIKE that response.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Hi,
> So my husband and I have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions. I finally brought up the women at his work and my concerns about her and the counselor - which is a male counselor said that I don't have proof of texting or sexting this women so that I am just insecure and I need to work on my insecurity. That if I go "looking" for things then I will find them and use them to feed my insecurities. My husband says that there is nothing going on with her. What do you guys think? And what are your thoughts on male counselors vs female counselors?


Say something like this:

"Counsellor, thank you for your opinion on that. However, the reality that I face is that by being "fond" of a female co-worker and by his behaviour, my husband has helped make me feel insecure. How would you suggest that my husband addresses the issues that he has helped to create, please?"


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