# My first anniversary



## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Almost exactly one year ago (4:23PM, October 23, 2012) an email search led to my own personal D-Day. My story is here: 

need to talk (type)

I wanted to drop back in today and share where my wife and I are today.

First, I want to apologize to all of those who helped me through the most difficult time in my life for disappearing. I won't name you all individually, your names are all throughout my first thread, but I hope you know that I give you my eternal gratitude. Spending time on TAM brought up too many painful emotions that were getting in the way of my healing. I had to be selfish and focus on me and my family and I had to stay off of here.

My wife and I today are in a place we thought we'd never see again - In Love. Happy. Together. I knew deep in my heart we would get here, but it wasn't an easy road to get to this place.

The last year has been ....I can't really think of a word to describe it. We worked hard though. Hours and hours with our marriage counselor. Eons and eons at home talking for hours on end. Arguments, screaming matches, separate bedrooms, silent treatments. We "ended it for sure" at least twice. There were a lot of times we thought it just wasn't going to work. But we kept on trying.

The last I left you, I was unemployed, overweight and battling depression. I've been back to work since May, I'm healthier and fitter than I've been in 15 years and, thanks to modern medicine, my depression is under control. I look 20 years younger than my 50 years (ok, maybe 10).

My wife, is a completely different woman too. She had so much anger in her for so long, she took it out on everyone. Yelling and slamming things was how she communicated. I haven't heard or seen her act like that in a long time now. That person seems a distant memory. 

I wish I could print a guide to reconciliation that could help anyone who finds themselves in the situation I was in last year. It would be waaaay too long. We just decided we were going to fight for our marriage and are doing whatever we can to make it better. We instituted a monthly date night that we commit to no matter what. We've had some of our best nights (and one of the break ups) on date night. We TRY (we're still not perfect) to communicate our feelings as they happen and not let things build up. When things do go wrong, and that still happens frequently, we are able to recognize it and address it and move on. Things that before would have led to weeks and months of resentment are now just little blips.

We are still working very hard to make sure we don't fall into the same traps we did before. For the first time we are truly "partners" in marriage and not just husband and wife. That's an important concept that took me 27 years to understand.

We made love for the first time in almost two years in February. It was like we were both virgins again. Sex has always been an issue with us from the start. Now my wife, who was never a fan of sex is telling me we need to find the time to make love more often!

The OM tried contacting her about six months after the NC letter. I had kept open the "secret" email account so I was the one who got that email. I told her about it and she said ignore it like she was doing. Of course I couldn't do that and sent him a response. Neither of us has heard from him since. I'm sure we will again at some point, but I don't fear it as much as I used to.

TAM was an amazing resource to me when I really needed help. If there is anyone who is here for the first time, take time to read all of the responses you get and take the advice to heart. A lot of what you hear will be VERY difficult to digest. The people who are the most blunt and insulting are most likely the ones you should listen to the most. There's a lot of good advice here and everyone truly wants you to heal. Whether healing means reconciliation with your spouse or divorce, only time will tell. I'm hoping that my story will give a ray of hope to someone who needs it.

While we are both very happy, today is difficult for me. I just read through my entire thread and it was very emotional. I still struggle daily with the spectre of my wife's EA. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that that will never go away. The effects are less and less, but the thoughts and triggers are ALWAYS there. 

I've been asking my therapist, who I still see weekly, to help me get to forgiveness. I'm still not there yet. "How could you" still pops into my head a lot. The therapist asked me "Do you think forgiving yourself should be your first step toward forgiving your wife?". They really know how to mess with your head, don't they? 

So it's not over yet, but where I am and where WE are is a wonderful place to be.

SN


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

OMG Congratulations.

I just started my journey and I feel like im dead inside. I hope to be like you someday, happy, even if its not with my husband. I just found about his EA 2 weeks ago and its been awful.

Cheers to you.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> OMG Congratulations.
> 
> I just started my journey and I feel like im dead inside. I hope to be like you someday, happy, even if its not with my husband. I just found about his EA 2 weeks ago and its been awful.
> 
> Cheers to you.


Thanks, Mylife. I just went back and read your story. I feel for you, I really do. It really sucks what your husband did to you. My marriage went through a lot of what yours did. I didn't handle it well, but I NEVER cheated. You don't deserve that.

My reconciliation is working because we BOTH have worked at it. My wife's affair had gone on for over two years before I found out about it. I think that actually helped too, because they were beyond the "puppy love" phase by then. She was more ready to work on us.

Just remember that your happiness is in YOUR control. Know yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself. Then you'll be able to take care of your child and rebuild your life - with or without your husband. You WILL be happy again one day, and you'll stronger too.

One other thing. You've gotten a lot of advice in regards to exposing your husband's affair to the other woman's husband. I won't advise you to go against your lawyer's advice, but will say I went to great lengths to let the betrayed wife in my case know what about the affair. It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had in my life to put someone through that, but ultimately it was for the best. IF you decide to go that route, it WILL help you. She will "throw your husband under the bus" which will be the biggest slap in the face he will get in this whole process. Even bigger than getting served papers. Once he gets that shock "the fog" you've been hearing about will lift. Then you will see if he's motivated to work things out with you or not.

All of these things that you are hearing here on TAM have probably made your head spin. It had that effect on me. Just know that the people on here are speaking from experience. Just about everything they told me happened in my case. It's kind of deflating to know that you're situation, though totally unique to you, has happened before many, many times.

Hang in there. You're doing great. I'm hoping for the best for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Glad you got to where you are, brother. I am in R but my wife is now sick and that is putting a burden on everything. Not sure if it was due to what she did or not, but her illness is very draining.

Your story gives us hope.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Very glad to hear it. It didn't look good at first did it. Glad you acted as you did.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad things are progressing well for you. My wife and I are about 18 months into R a little over a month ago I burned all of the emails and crap I saved when I caught her. It was very liberating. I felt like something was lifted off of my back. 

Thanks for sharing and best of luck


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Glad you got to where you are, brother. I am in R but my wife is now sick and that is putting a burden on everything. Not sure if it was due to what she did or not, but her illness is very draining.
> 
> Your story gives us hope.


You've got my best wishes for your wife's recovery and rebuilding your marriage. Don't lose the hope.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Very glad to hear it. It didn't look good at first did it. Glad you acted as you did.


Thank you, friend, you were such a big help!


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

mahike said:


> I am glad things are progressing well for you. My wife and I are about 18 months into R a little over a month ago I burned all of the emails and crap I saved when I caught her. It was very liberating. I felt like something was lifted off of my back.
> 
> Thanks for sharing and best of luck


Yes, it is quite a load off to finally let go of those things. Glad to hear you're still working on it 18 months later. Keep at it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

SN you should drop in to TAM every once in a while and let others benefit from your experience. You rocked it man!! kudos.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

SN,

Congratulations! I hope your new outlook on life and new healthy you does wonders for you! I wish you all the best with your wife and hope you have a wonderful R.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hi friend. Soooo glad to hear you are not numb anymore, that your marriage is no the right path...
This was a great update.
It's possible.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I appreciate the update. Good stories are too few and too far between. 

All the best
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I too would like to know the secret to TOTAL forgiveness. In Feb it will be two years since D-day and I also do the mental "how could you" at the most symbolic moments. Walking with the kids through a park and we are all laughing, on our date night as we gaze across the table, in bed during cuddles and when he brings me my morning coffee.

I think because we did do all the above activities and he was having a EA at the same time- forgiveness is a process and each day I'm still plowing through it. 


Thanks for your update----gives me hope.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How did you lose weight?

Restarting intimacy after so long, that is major hurdle to overcome. Was she keen on trying? Was is spontaneous? 

Do you write each other love letters now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keep working at it, you two! Bless you both!


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> How did you lose weight?
> 
> Exercise and eating right. I exercise 5-7 days a week. At first lifting and running, then yoga and I ride my bike to work, 22 mile round trip 3 or 4 days a week. Really just a change in lifestyle.
> 
> ...


No love letters. I did early on when it was a mistake. We do text a lot. Her first "I love you" in years was via text. I get mixed feelings about love letters. She sent so many to him, so I would like one for me, but at the same time it would seem hollow because of all she sent to him. A conundrum, these affairs are.

We are closer and more loving now together than we ever were before. Last night, after the fact , we laid in bed in each others arms talking. There was a lot of staring into each others eyes and smiles. It was VERY special. I don't remember a night like that in maybe twenty years.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

still numb said:


> We are closer and more loving now together than we ever were before. Last night, after the fact , we laid in bed in each others arms talking. There was a lot of staring into each others eyes and smiles. It was VERY special. I don't remember a night like that in maybe twenty years.[/COLOR]


...man


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