# I'm jaded



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Divorce was finalized in December after he cheated on me several times. Unfortunately it left me cynical towards relationships. I'm now that bitter b*tch that I used to look down on. I'll be out in public and see a happy couple and think "He's probably cheating on her." I attempted to go out on a date in May and the whole time we talked I was thinking about whether he had skeletons in his closet or not. I'm messed up and tired of being bitter and angry. I used to be the most trusting person but now I'm scared to death. I'd like to get married again and have someone but I'm terrified. I hear stories from men who cheat and their wives don't know which made me realize that it's a lot more common than I think. How can I ever trust again? I can't live this way and don't want to be that hateful old woman who doesn't have anybody. I need help. How do I heal and learn to have faith in people again?

And yes, I'm aware that I'm only 26 and have a long life ahead of me. Doesn't make it any easier and "you're only 26" will turn into 36 then 46....life is too short. Is this something I'll get over or am I ruined?


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

26?

Wow. Give it a chance. Look at all the guys (like me) right here on this pathetic little website that were loyal, hardworking, honest men doing their best, only to get slobberknocked by unstable women.

Plenty of good guys out there. It won't take long. Keep your eyes open, and talk to people. Look in the right places, stay out of the meat factories.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm aware that there are good guys out there. I'm clearly interested in giving it a chance but don't know how. Even if I don't date now which I'm not too interested in doing, I want to get rid of these thoughts. At least have hope.


----------



## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

There is always hope (c) 

I was wondering myself if the person who lived through the betrayal will be better of with a partner who went through the same experience? 

Anyway, my naive theory is that anyone is destined to have a finite amount of @#[email protected]! in his/her life. Some have constant drip throughout their lives, some have a single sudden bucket. Who knows, maybe you've just had yours?



SepticChange said:


> I'm aware that there are good guys out there. I'm clearly interested in giving it a chance but don't know how. Even if I don't date now which I'm not too interested in doing, I want to get rid of these thoughts. At least have hope.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I've actually been told (by a man who went through the same thing as I have) that it'd be best to settle with someone who has similarly been betrayed. The insecure part of me wants to go that route.


----------



## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Don't think this will give you any assurance. .. but go for it (though seeking for an ex betrayed man could be problematic). Just don't end up with a bitter insecure guy who is 'not ready" will treat relationship with you like a 'proof of concept'.

P.s. probably sound like your grandfather. ..

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> And yes, I'm aware that I'm only 26 and have a long life ahead of me. Doesn't make it any easier and "you're only 26" will turn into 36 then 46....life is too short. Is this something I'll get over or am I ruined?


There ain't no guarantees my girl. When you love someone you give them the power to break your heart. Trust is your belief that won't happen. You say, "I used to be the most trusting person but now I'm scared to death." Getting into another relationship and getting married again is about loving someone. If loving them is not loving what they are, but only their potential not to hurt you, then you do not love them at all. You'd only be in love with a reflection of your desire not to be betrayed again.

Being here well over half a century, I've discovered that everybody I've ever known has suffered at least one betrayal. Your in a big club with lots and lots of members. You still trust baby girl. That's why you can still look forward to tomorrow. Just screen your selection of candidates as best you can. (here's a heads up. If he rubber necks other girls butts or flirts in your presents, cancel his ticket. He'll cheat, I'll guarantee and I don't give a damn what others tell you.)


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I've actually been told (by a man who went through the same thing as I have) that it'd be best to settle with someone who has similarly been betrayed. The insecure part of me wants to go that route.



I disagree- don't settle.

I'm not sure if I'll ever get married again or not. My wife cheated and hit the door running after 2 decades of marriage. My perspective is different, but I do not feel bitter. 

You have a scar, those fade with time. If you meet the right man and everything works out, I wouldn't tell you to be afraid. More knowledgeable, yes, but not afraid. 

Not all men cheat. I never did. And yes, the opportunity did present over the years. I just never went down that rabbit hole because I was married. 

Anyway- women cheat as well. Think about it- cheaters have to be with someone else to cheat.

Good luck
WD


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

At 26 years, you've got a lot of living to do yet. A once burnt, twice shy attitude is just your minds way of trying to keep what happened to you from happening again. It will fade with time.

I think the best thing you can do right now is do nothing at all.

You're a woman. You don't even need to join dating sites, or have friends fix you up on dates with guys. Guys are hunter, gatherers. I'd bet that every day there are men that you bump into, pass by, or say hello to that have thought to themselves, "I wonder if she'd go out with me?". But they either don't know you well enough, or at all. So they don't ask.

I don't have anything against dating sites, but it can be such a let down. You've got a bunch of people that either just want to "hook up", or are looking for a serious, meaningful relationship. You may have to date a few, or more, hookup guys before you even meet a relationship guy. Then the problem is how truthful they were while writing their bio. You think that you're about to meet a prince charming type and come to find out that he's more like the frog.









If you are still using the dating site(s), I suggest that you list three places that already like to go for your first dates. I've always felt that wining and dinning for a first date just ends up forcing the two people to be too "switched on" and plastic. 

Examples: I would like our first date to be at one of the following places/activities.

1) A Flea market/co-op
2) The museum of natural history
3) The "your city" symphony orchestra

Or for the more physically active types.

1) Canoeing/Kayaking
2) A 10 mile hike in "ABC" national park/"XYZ" canyon
3) Sky diving

The above are at opposite ends of the spectrum. What I pick and what you pick would differ. I'm not saying just because you and your date both like museums and hiking you'll end up one a 3rd date. I just feel that you both started off doing something that you both enjoy, so you see more of the "real" him as he see's more of the "real" you.

Just a thought.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you so much everyone for the wise words. It is greatly appreciated. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but the road to get there hurts.


----------

