# Unhappy times..



## betts (Sep 6, 2012)

When we met 23 years ago we just had fun and did not think about what to expect from our lives.. We both worked full-time for the first 8 years, him always working more hours and making more money. Household and paperwork tasks were pushed naturally to me as I worked less hours (“only” 40h/week) and a maid for ironing and cleaning once a week was hired (which was his contribution of not helping out with chores). While it sounds fair it did not feel fair to me, especially bc I had no say in it. He said he works more hours and does not mind paying for a maid and that cleared his concious of doing anything. I ended up doing everything from washing, drying, picking up after him, bill paying, vacation planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up after meals and parties etc. Eventually I grew tired of it as I worked full time and did chores for two (except cleaning/ironing). I remember after a fight I stopped doing his paperwork and at times he searched frentically for something in boxes full of unopened envelopes he had received.. year later we moved with several of those boxes, too. 
After our move I decided to take one year off work to sort things out from the move and then I continued for 10 years working 50% and the rest of the time I took care of our house, cars, chorse, kid that came along, guests etc. We had the occasional discussion of him helping every now and sooften which ended him helping a few things for a week and then dropping it again. 
Then I worked again full time and it was like in the past, I took care of my job, house, cars, kid. And he would still work more hours, be on buz travels at times and make more money. 
I reduced again to 50% and told myself to just oranize myself better.. but I have grown so tired of a spouse who is not a team player. I’ve grown so tired of having to ask for every little help.. and the hear that a man can only take a few commandos per day.. 
He makes good money, he’s a great dad and a fun spouse, but there is no willingness to ever team up in the house. 

If I stop picking up after him, he just leaves everything until he cannot walk in his office and bathroom anymore (he’s the hoarding type). He does not make a bed, never carries the trash to the can (garbage can be overflowing for days), never rolls the garbage bins out (if I don’t roll them out they stay inside another week oops “we” forgot he says), always leaves dirty dishes in the sink, never loads a washer/dryer/dishwasher, never cleans put his coffee maker, forgets to turn down the heat when going to bed later (so we wake up from the heat as it gets upstairs like a sauna with the heat on).. when we had cats I designated (in attempt to search an easy task) to him cleaning the cat litter and feeding the cat (rest assured he forgot to feed the cat, so I took that task back oht of pity for the cat), but he kept on forgetting the cat litter also..so I ended up doing it again. I manage the nannie, the school, the social outings and when I don’t there are none and he complains “we should go out more”. 
Sorry that was a way too long post but I had to vent.. it’s just so tiring to be designated to do all this without choosing it. He envisions his life working, exercising, being with family and me taking care of house/kid. If I work or don’t he does not care as long as everything else is taken care of. But I envisioned my life with a partner that is a team player, at least when he is at home and not at work or exercising. 
Am I going crazy, is this too much to ask?


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## betts (Sep 6, 2012)

betts said:


> When we met 23 years ago we just had fun and did not think about what to expect from our lives.. We both worked full-time for the first 8 years, him always working more hours and making more money. Household and paperwork tasks were pushed naturally to me as I worked less hours (“only” 40h/week) and a maid for ironing and cleaning once a week was hired (which was his contribution of not helping out with chores). While it sounds fair it did not feel fair to me, especially bc I had no say in it. He said he works more hours and does not mind paying for a maid and that cleared his concious of doing anything. I ended up doing everything from washing, drying, picking up after him, bill paying, vacation planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up after meals and parties etc. Eventually I grew tired of it as I worked full time and did chores for two (except cleaning/ironing). I remember after a fight I stopped doing his paperwork and at times he searched frentically for something in boxes full of unopened envelopes he had received.. year later we moved with several of those boxes, too.
> After our move I decided to take one year off work to sort things out from the move and then I continued for 10 years working 50% and the rest of the time I took care of our house, cars, chorse, kid that came along, guests etc. We had the occasional discussion of him helping every now and sooften which ended him helping a few things for a week and then dropping it again.
> Then I worked again full time and it was like in the past, I took care of my job, house, cars, kid. And he would still work more hours, be on buz travels at times and make more money.
> I reduced again to 50% and told myself to just oranize myself better.. but I have grown so tired of a spouse who is not a team player. I’ve grown so tired of having to ask for every little help.. and the hear that a man can only take a few commandos per day..
> ...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Must be nice to decided to work part time or take a year off work.

While your spouce works even more hrs .


This argument is bull in my opinion.

I take care of the house ,car,kid

Instead of being thankfull that your husband provided money enough for you to only work pat time and decide to take a year off you resent him because he don't help enough .


This argument does not fly with me.


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## betts (Sep 6, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Must be nice to decided to work part time or take a year off work.
> 
> It is nice.
> 
> ...


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Quit working. Lt him work. You take care of house/kid, etc


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

You "Manage the Nanny" (jeez could have used one of those when I had twins)? You've had a maid? Your husband makes good money by the sound of it.
You've had luxuries I have never had. 

Wait....what? What were you complaining about? 


In all seriousness though, if you're always doing the lions share of the work with the home and kids, then I would consider cutting back on working hours since he makes a decent living and refuses to help with the home half of living. 

I don't know your life or how hard you work.....but I know people who never had it as good.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If I understood you correctly, your husband works at his job, bringing in the money, and when he gets home he does nothing. Right?

While he is at work you take care of things at home that need to be taken care of (you don't sit and watch television all day, nor are you on the computer all day, eating bon-bons) and of course you don't get paid for for your hours working at home, because he provides for your food and lodging through his paycheck.

When he comes home, he sits down, but you keep working: cooking, doing dishes, checking that all the doors are locked, that the sauna is turned off, you clean the fireplace and make a fire, etc. Your job essentially lasts all your waking hours, but his job lasts only as long as he is actually at work, right?

If you are really pulling your weight while he is at work, then he either needs to pick up 1/2 of the jobs at home when he gets home or he needs to hire more help to do his share.

Did he marry you to be his maid, or to be he partner in life?

Was he that lazy about taking care of his personal responsibilities outside of his job before you married him or did he suddenly forget how to take care of himself once the wedding ring was on your finger? Did he have maids and cooks when he was single or did he do those things himself?

Sadly, I believe many women don't look at the entire situation of how a man conducts his life before they marry. Women are so in love that they don't realize that if he does't clean the house, cook, organize his paperwork, repair things when they are broken, etc. before marriage that he isn't going to be doing the after he gets married either. With those men, when children come, all the work of taking care of them falls on the wife as well. 

Some men are "man-boys" who never grow up and who eternally want to be taken care of by their mother, I mean wife. They think that bringing in a check is good enough, and that their wife is their live-in maid.

I'm sure you've told him how you feel about his lack of initiative, haven't you? Do you see yourself doing everything for him in 10 or 20 more years?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you look at the total time each of you spends on combined work and chores, how does it balance out?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sounds like he is a crappy housekeeper and not a good maid. 

You said he is a fun spouse and a good father and works hard and makes good money, so let me ask you a few questions to get a better picture -

Has he/does he cheat on you?

has he ever abused you physically or verbally?

Is he a drunk or a druggie?

Has he ever disappeared or just taken off to parts unknown?

Is he mean or disrespectful to your family?

Does he deny you love and affection and rejects you sexually?

Does he kick puppies or walk right past baby birds that have fallen out of their nests without making any effort to put them back?

Does he swindle old ladies out of their social security checks?

Does he do anything bad other than leaving dirty dishes in the sink???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.... But I realize that this is a big frustration for you and is a serious issue to you. 

It is to my wife as well because I am not an instinctively good housekeeper myself and she is one of those OCD people like you see on Oprah so this has been an ongoing issue in our 22 year old marriage as well. ....... Although I do try to help with the dishes and the laundry and keeping things picked up and I vacuum etc etc - I just don't do a good enough, fast enough and thorough enough job of it. 

When I realized that I would never be able to clean and housekeep good enough for her no matter how hard I tried or how many hours a day I poured into it - I suggested to her that one of us get a small, efficient and inexpensive apartment and live separately. 

Now I need to make clear this was *NOT* a threat of divorce or splitting up or anything like that at all. 

It was acknowledging that the house with the kids and I living in it would simply never be orderly or clean and tidy enough for her and I offered her the opportunity that she could move to a small, easy to clean space of her own and the kids and I could visit her or she could visit us whenever she wanted (as long as she didn't b!+ch about the condition of the house. 

I also offered that I could be the one to move to the Apt so I could live in peace and she would only have the kids to contend with and clean up after. 

I stressed that we could remain married and still have a marital relationship, but simply have separate domiciles so we could each live the life we wanted. That way she could clean all day and I could live my life in peace. 

I was quasi-serious when I offered this. If she had gone for it, I would have sat down and gave it serious consideration. 

She did not go for it however and opted to continue to try to coexist under the same roof. 

But why I am saying this is perhaps this may be something for you to consider as well. 

Would one of you be able to move into a small,efficient and affordable apartment or efficiency so that you can keep your living space to your satisfaction and he can live his life and let the crap pile up to his satisfaction as well?

You can remain married and you can continue to coparent and carry on with normal marital activities, but you basically have your stuff and sleep in separate domiciles?

Would you consider that as an option?


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## bencoll (Feb 16, 2018)

Don't change him. That's one of the lessons I learned after my partner left me. Just let him do what he does.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> sounds like he is a crappy housekeeper and not a good maid.
> 
> You said he is a fun spouse and a good father and works hard and makes good money, so let me ask you a few questions to get a better picture -
> 
> ...


Why don't you add to that:

Does he rob banks?

Does he spend the household $ on booze instead of food for your children?

Does he sexually abuse your children?

Has he hawked the family car for gambling money?

_____

Well if he hasn't done any of those things, you don't have it that bad. What the heck are you complaining about??

_____

In all seriousness, your husband's overwhelming laziness around the house would be enough to drive me crazy too. My husband has a few bad habits that I didn't know about until we were married, but what I did notice were his good ones: he likes to cook, he knows how to clean up a kitchen, he knows how to do laundry, and he has good hygiene. Those were biggies to me. When we had children, he learned how to change diapers, clean up vomit, do some more laundry, and bathe and feed the children. We're a team. His few bad habits are minor to all the good things about him. I'm sure I have some annoying habits too, but he is forgiving.

if your husband doesn't pick up some slack, do you want to stay married to him? Have you considered how busy you would be if you divorced him?

Since it seems you have the finances, have you considered hiring more people to help around the house as long as you remain employed? Have you considered becoming a full time SAHM so you can take care of all the things at home?


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