# guys



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

okay men, need some opinions here,
I'm in the middle of a separation, only thing left is for hubby to move out, 
he has asked for a little time to see if he can fall back in love with me.......
I'm off to Florida for the month of March, now he wants to go with me for 10 days, my friends are coming the rest of the time....
he wanted this separation because he is involved with another woman and claims he is not in love with me anymore...
everything is set, he is even paying me alimony now.....told everyone we are finished....
Is it your opinion that he doesn't want to go with the OW and that is why he is stalling, 
I'm trying to be patient with him but how a man's mind works and his lack of conversation about his feelings has left me throwing my hands up in the air......."WTF"
he said to me yesterday, if we separated and then living alone would every country song be about us......I just keep saying this was your choice and I have done everything I can to make the transition easy for him, separation agreement, financial and just accepting his decisions as what his choice is.......
Maybe she just doesn't seem to be a great deal anymore now that everyone knows......
curious to what you guys think


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you were right - and he was beginning to regret his decision - would you take him back?

Not sure this is a "man" thing - but maybe someone who is starting to see through the fog a bit.

Could also be an "ego" thing, of wanting to picture you in his head as "longing for him" instead of moving on with your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not a guy, but something you should consider. We have something called Emotional Needs. We usually marry someone, and that person is who we want to meet those needs for us. If a spouse has an affair, they do so because that new person is meeting some of his needs. _However_ he typically doesn't want her to meet ALL his needs - just the 'fun' ones like sex and admiration. He expects you to keep meeting all the boring ones like domestic support, stability, family care, etc. If you remove yourself from the equation, suddenly he has to turn to that OW and get HER to meet all the needs that YOU previously met. 

Obviously, she won't want to, cos she's busy enjoying the 'fun' part, too. (Imagine her holding his head over the toilet)

So...once you're gone, the shine wears off of the cool exciting affair, and he sees it for what it is - a fantasy.

He married you because you met his needs at one time. If you want him back, look at what needs OW is meeting (admiration, etc.), and replace her.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

nice777guy,

I don't know what to think anymore, I had my mind all set to just let him go because this is what he said he wanted and if he doesn't love me as he claims then what is there to hang on to.
So now we stay in a condo in Florida, separated, waiting for him to move on......
He says he just needs time to think.....
I'm not letting myself even think of working things out, he has put me through hell with all his decisions and he will really have to come up with a great plan to fix what is wrong for me to even think about working it out......I'm no longer the same person I no longer am willing to settle for what was in my marriage. He wasn't the only one to blame but I am the only one at this point that has owned my faults.....
I am the type of person a fixer by nature so I guess no door is ever closed for me....
Wish he could just come clean with his feelings........


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

tunera, 

I guess I have corrected some of the things I did ignore in the marriage when it comes to his emotional needs. I do think he sees me differently now. I think he is now seeing that life without me might not be as wonderful as he once thought.....
He has watched my family and my friends rally around me with wonderful support and I think he sees me being strong and confident with moving forward with my life. 
I don't get mad, I just say I understand his feelings and that he needs to take care of himself and what is best for him to be happy.....I heard him say to a friend that his home life was better now than it's been in a long time.....
I have learned from my mistakes because unless you own your life and your decisions you can't move forward and you can't be at peace.....I have forgiven him for the affair and I have forgiven myself for my part in the marriage break down....
He just seems like he is in such turmoil with what he has done and what position he is in now.....I actually feel bad for him, but you can't solve anything by doing nothing or saying nothing.......
I'm not mad anymore maybe that's his problem.....acceptance is a great stress reliever.


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## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

jessi,

I am nowhere near where you are yet. I would love for my W to come to me and say she wants to spend time with me rather than her new A. Turnera has hit it squarely on the head. He is missing those things that you have been giving him.

So back to what Nice said, do you want him back? This is just my opinion but I think if you let him go with you to Florida for 10 days, he will get from you the things that the OW is not giving him. He will get that need met and run right back to her for the rest. As long as you let him have access to her and you, why would have any reason to change the situation.

Now if you tell him that you both really need time a part and you do not want him in Florida, he is stuck with only having some of the needs met. It may just show him that he has made some mistakes and want you even more.

Of course, if you don't want him back then I guess it doesn't matter what you do. You'll just have to put up with him for 10 days.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

jessi said:


> tunera,
> 
> . I do think he sees me differently now. I think he is now seeing that life without me might not be as wonderful as he once thought.....
> He has watched my family and my friends rally around me with wonderful support and I think he sees me being strong and confident with moving forward with my life.


Tell him "no thanks" about joining you in Florida. What you outline above is the very thing that makes moving on possible, even something to look forward to; and sadly enough, it almost always makes you look more attractive to the spouse who was ready to wash their hands of you.

Stay focused on yourself. If he is serious about figuring things out, he isn't going any where. If he argues or threatens or tries to manipulate - then he hasn't grown much at all and dumping him is still the way to go.


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