# New here...confused and an emotional wreck...



## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, hopefully just support and advice from those who have been through this or are going through this...

I've been married almost 15 years, and have 3 wonderful children. A year ago this weekend I found out that my husband had cheated on me. I say cheated, he says tempted. Whatever it was, I lost trust. Again. 

See, our marriage was a mess prior to that. Two years ago after a blow out fight my husband yelled "I've been trying to get you to divorce me for three years". He has an impeccable way of making me feel crazy, like I didn't notice things, or that the issues WE were having are somehow my fault.

After this fight, I began counseling. I knew that our fight had hurt, but hadn't realized what I was reeling from was 13 years of emotional and verbal abuse. I've been called the most horrific names by him, and yes, in front of the kids. I've been criticized, put down, belittled, and on one occasion he even locked me in the basement. I'm a social worker, and never thought it was abuse because it never got physical. 

Learning and changing from counseling, my husband doesn't like it, of course. I've learned about power and control, and he isn't so obvious. He isn't the type who will say "you can't go out with your friends" but he will sabotage a situation so that I can't go; or make me feel guilty about missing something or spending money that I won't go. I also never realized that we moved out of state a few years ago was to isolate me, and keep me away from my family. I see it all differently now.

My husband finally went to counseling a year ago, after I gave him the ultimatum. Go to counseling, or get out. He has been sleeping in the basement since then. He went to counseling, for only 8 sessions. We attempted couples counseling, but he refused to go back. We seperated in September after I realized that he really wasn't willing to work on on his problems.

In October, he had been kicked out of his parents house and asked if he could spend the night. He came back and slept on the couch. Guess what? Yup, he wouldn't leave. We did make some progress during this time, but he still wasn't willing to work on his problems, although he didn't lose his cool on me or show his temper. However, he withdrew. In November, he got kicked out of the hockey rink where he coaches, not just the game, not just the stands, but the rink. He unleashed on the ref's, and got suspended from work for verbal abuse. He still won't work on it with any professionals.

In December we talked about where we are going, and agreed that he would most likely move out and seperate, when he could get housing in May. A week later I learned that he opened his own checking acct., and moved his direct deposit to that. I depend on his income to pay the household bills (yes, I work too). This really upset me. It felt really sneaky, and I felt really betrayed. A few days later he moved out.

I met with an attorney on Tuesday. I'm ready to file, but emotionally I'm still torn. I married for life. Good, bad, the ugly. My parents were married for 42 years before my mom passed, and his parents are married over 40 years too. I don't give up easily.

Any advice, support, suggestions? Thanks...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--
gald you foung this site.
i know you married for life...........but if he is abuseive, he lied, and this marriage started out a lie.

do you feel safe and care for and protected?? if you have never felt that way, its a lie. he lied to you so you would marry him.

no of course he wouldnt say, honey in going to be crule to you and make you feel crazy all during the marriage. thats the lie.

im sorry its been a marriage you didnt sign up for. you deserve a happy place with your husband. stay strong. you already know hes a liar and a big meanie [i want to use cuss words].

start living for you and your kids. if yoou cant afford the place where you live now, its time to move. the kids know you are in a bad marriage, and want you to be a happy secure mom.

you can always ask for more hours, or start looking for another job, and get a better place in the future. 

this is no way to live. you can have better. you are worth it. you are not crazy. you are a good person. you are a great mom.

you will come out on the other side of this a happy, stronger, and ready to live life.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Thank you...as hard as it is to type and talk about this, I do need to hear what's truly in my and my kid's best interest!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think your kids would benifit from having a happy mom, who is a safe haven for them to come to.

be safe for you. you need to be strong for your kids. good luck..
sorry you are going through this tough time. please be safe...


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## Lullaby (Jan 19, 2011)

You are not living your parents lives. They made their own choices, now it's time for you to make yours. You didn't sell yourself into slavery when you got married. Could you be doing something better with your precious time? Of course you do! - you have children to protect and love. Don't you want to be happy? Just figure out the logistics and do what you know is right. You have lots of friends that will help you and love you. Good luck. BE SAFE.


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