# Would you keep it to yourself?



## BrianNY467 (May 9, 2014)

This has been weighing on me, thought I would get other opinions...

Last week, one of my old college friends was in our city for a business trip and I invited him to come spend the weekend with us before flying back home. That same weekend, my wife’s cousin was staying with us too. To make a long story short, my friend admitted to having sex with my wife’s cousin in the middle of the night. I didn’t know what to say to him…he’s been married for 15 years, has three kids, and I never would’ve guessed he’s the cheating type. My wife’s cousin is 20 years younger than him...don’t know what she was thinking either.

I haven’t told my wife, I know as soon as I do, the first thing she’ll do is call his wife. I don’t want to get involved, but I feel guilty keeping it to myself. His wife is great and doesn’t deserve this crap.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Many folks will say the betrayed wife deserves to know. You would want to know in her shoes, right? If that doesn't register, then ask yourself two simple questions:

1) What happens when this comes out and your W figures out you knew all along?
2) Whose trust is it more important that you have - old college friend or W?

Answer those, and you know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell your wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, your friend took advantage of your hospitality to have sex with your wife's cousin in the middle of the night. Not cool at all. Not cool of the cousin either.

Tell your wife. Your main loyalty is to your wife. Your home and hospitality were violated.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My question is why did he tell you this in the first place? Doesn't he care that he put you in a really bad position?? Does he want someone to tell his wife for him? What purpose does his little admission serve?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BrianNY467 said:


> This has been weighing on me, thought I would get other opinions...
> 
> Last week, one of my old college friends was in our city for a business trip and I invited him to come spend the weekend with us before flying back home. That same weekend, my wife’s cousin was staying with us too. To make a long story short, my friend admitted to having sex with my wife’s cousin in the middle of the night. I didn’t know what to say to him…he’s been married for 15 years, has three kids, and I never would’ve guessed he’s the cheating type. My wife’s cousin is 20 years younger than him...don’t know what she was thinking either.
> 
> I haven’t told my wife, I know as soon as I do, the first thing she’ll do is call his wife. I don’t want to get involved, but I feel guilty keeping it to myself. His wife is great and doesn’t deserve this crap.


You feel guilty because your internal integrity is YELLING "THIS IS WRONG. SHE DESERVES TO KNOW"

So are you going to be a man of integrity or a man of "smooth waters" who doesn't want to rock the boat.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Tell your wife!!!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Definitely I’d “blab”. That kind of stuff bothers me and I tell Ms. Spin everything. She’s my wife, that’s what she’s there for – amongst other things.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My feelings are this.. if he was THAT liberal/ at ease spilling this TO YOU...with no conscience or remorse... yet in one of your beds yet....can you imagine his exploits in his daily [email protected]#..... yeah.. He must THINK all men (even husbands) act this way...if given an opportunity and you all got some kind of private CODE of secrecy going on...

He wrongly assumed on this one....if I was the wife of YOU or HIM...I'd want to know...and I hope your wife lays into her cousin... I assume she knew he was married ..she was not innocent here either..


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe hes lying and made it up. question your wifes cousin and confirm before spilling the beans.

some guys lie about this stuff when their with their old buddies. more than one women in the world has become a slvt because some one said they banged her.

when I was young almost every girl i dated who had a reputation for being easy was just the oppsite and every girl who was pure a driven snow was well .... you get my drift.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What your friend did was really $h!tty. He not only cheated on his wife but made you an accomplice. 

He's put you in a bind and the only thing you have to do is ask yourself what's a more important, your friend or your wife because if your wife finds out about you knowing about this and not telling her, then your in a real pickle.

He isn't much of a friend or a husband and your wife's cousin and this guy took advantage of both you and your wife and the cousin shouldn't get away with her actions either.

Tell your wife and both of you deal with it. Your buddy and her cousin caused this mess. They bought it. They own it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If I found out any friend of mine had cheated, especially via such a direct method as confession, I would tell him how crappy that was and that his wife deserved to know and that he had 2 days to tell her or I would. 

A friend who puts you in that position is not worthy of your friendship. I have to respect someone to call them a friend.

At least that gives him a chance to confess to his wife and beg for reconciliation if he wants it. Learning from a third party would be harder.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Crappy friend no more (if it was me)


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> My question is why did he tell you this in the first place? Doesn't he care that he put you in a really bad position?? Does he want someone to tell his wife for him? What purpose does his little admission serve?


My first thought too ... but then I thought maybe he thought he needed to control the situation ... confide in his buddy and gauge his response. A calculated risk. If he said nothing but then her cousin spilled the beans, he wouldn't have any control. Get an ally before the whole thing potentially blew up in his face. Just a thought.

... or he just read OP wrong and thought he'd get a fist bump.

All things considered, I'm in the camp of notifying the wife. Surely OP will lose his friend over this so it isn't an easy thing to do but it is the right thing. I would tell my wife and make sure we are in agreement with this. I'm undecided but it may be better if OP's wife is the one that contacted the wife of OP's friend.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi.

Sorry that you found yourself in this situation.

My suggestion, if you feel such strong allegiance to your friend:

1. Tell your wife. Ask her to give you 2 days to get your friend to confess to his wife before your wife starts calling around.

2. Tell your friend to tell his wife within the next 6 hours or that you will tell her. (make the deadline short so he won't have much time to spin lies about you to her, or move money etc.).

3. after the deadline, you or your wife call his wife (so you'll hear the wife's voice) and make sure she knows.



////

She deserves to know - she might be in danger of getting some serious STD from her husband, especially if he's slept with more people than just your wife's cousin. How will you feel if you'll find out she got hepatitis or HIV and you could have saved her from that? You have to protect the innocent one here. Also, you might be saving your friend too -> maybe he'll stop sleeping around when his wife finds out, and maybe that way he'll never catch anything.

Also, the betrayed wife deserves to know now, before she wastes any more years on this guy. She has the right to make an informed decision whether to stay with him or not. I'm sure you'd like to know if your wife was sleeping around. And your wife if you were.

Lastly, like others have said - how will your wife think of you? Maybe if she finds out you didn't tell her she'll start to think that you're the type of person that would protect and condone cheaters... On the other hand, if you tell your wife immediately, she'll know you're the honest, decent guy she thought she married.

Best wishes, and don't stop posting here, the advice here is great!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This guy took advantage of your hospitality to cheat, then bragged about it (and yes, that's what telling you was) to you. He's put you in the position of being an accomplice to his infidelity and of asking you to keep secrets from your wife. Odds are, it hasn't occurred to him that you'd disapprove, or that you wouldn't keep his secret, because it hasn't occurred to him that not every man is like that. From the sheer gall of his behavior and the patent expectation that you'd be okay with it and conceal it from your own wife, I'd say chances are excellent that he has a long history of cheating while away on business trips. 

Don't be that guy. Don't help him be that guy. Tell your wife.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Wow! I would defiitely tell your wife. I would be so pissed if my husband did not tell me something like this.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it's a little odd that your wife would take it immediately out of your hands and start making phone calls. 

Wouldn't she respect that you're confiding in her bc you have a moral dilemma and need to share with her?

To step over you and start calling the wife seems wrong to me.I'd feel like I was betraying my husband's confidence in me if I ran and spilled the beans before knowing what he wanted to do with the information.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think it's a little odd that your wife would take it immediately out of your hands and start making phone calls.
> 
> Wouldn't she respect that you're confiding in her bc you have a moral dilemma and need to share with her?
> 
> *To step over you and start calling the wife seems wrong to me.I'd feel like I was betraying my husband's confidence in me if I ran and spilled the beans before knowing what he wanted to do with the information.*


I agree with this.. Me and H has this agreement/ understanding... we SHARE everything remotely juicy with each other.. doesn't matter what it is..or who it's about.... that's just how we are..and we like it that way....but it ends WITH EACH OTHER...lock, stock and barrel...

If we had a moral dilemma like this..we'd have to carefully weigh the pros and cons on every side.. settling on the best course of action.... going forth together as a team.. .. in the best way handle this very delicate situation...


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## BrianNY467 (May 9, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, everyone. 

It was early Sunday afternoon, my wife and kids had gone out and my wife's cousin had already left. I was sitting with my friend and asked him why he had a non-stop smile on his face since the morning. He said he hadn't felt alive/refreshed in over a year...I asked him why and he admitted what happened. He definitely didn't expect my shocked reaction; as a few posters have said, seemed as if he were expecting a high-five from me. I didn't say anything in response to his admission and he changed the subject.

I don't think it's weird my wife would tell his wife right away. She's much better friends with his wife than I am with him. They talk two or three times a week and email each other regularly. She definitely thinks no one should be forced to live a lie and I agree.

My only hesitation is "shoot the messenger" backlash we might get, that's why I don't want to get involved. I'm going to tell my friend he has until the end of this weekend to confess to his wife or I'll tell my wife and she'll spill it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't like to meddle in other people's business. Including their relationships. How come everyone ignores the "throw the first stone" with their advice. Anyhow, if you invite a guy and a woman to stay over your place on the same night, and throw them together socially, sparks will fly. To expect otherwise is a little naive. And who knows, maybe the wife invited the cousin cause the wife knows something about your friend that you didn't. :-o
Let sleeping dogs lie (pun intended) and let people who are married sort out their own lives. Don't police other people's morals and ethics. They may have different m.o. or agreements with their spouses than you do in the first place.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well if he really did bang her then the wife needs to know.

do unto others 

If I was in this situation I would want my so called friends to clue me in on the $hit bag I was married to.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Coward dropped his dirty laundry in your lap. I say hand it right back to him.
Your wife's cousin is dirty also. If she has a boyfriend he should know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't like to meddle in other people's business. Including their relationships. How come everyone ignores the "throw the first stone" with their advice. Anyhow, if you invite a guy and a woman to stay over your place on the same night, and throw them together socially, sparks will fly. To expect otherwise is a little naive. And who knows, maybe the wife invited the cousin cause the wife knows something about your friend that you didn't. :-o
> Let sleeping dogs lie (pun intended) and let people who are married sort out their own lives. Don't police other people's morals and ethics. They may have different m.o. or agreements with their spouses than you do in the first place.


I couldn't disagree w/ this more. This isn't a matter of "policing" but of informing only. OP's wife has a right to know what occurred underneath her own roof, and BW has a right to know that her husband stepped out on her. What she decides to do w/ that information is up to her. If she's cool w/ that then whatever. But given the interaction between OP and his friend, I'd be willing to bet that that won't be the case.

And how could they have foreseen that his "old friend" from college would have hooked up w/ his wife's younger cousin?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I tend to agree with you, HNU. Who wants to be someone else's policeman? I would just quietly distance myself from both of them.

But what about the argument that the wife has been exposed to STD's? Wouldn't you want to know about that?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I couldn't disagree w/ this more. This isn't a matter of "policing" but of informing only. OP's wife has a right to know what occurred underneath her own roof, and BW has a right to know that her husband stepped out on her. What she decides to do w/ that information is up to her. If she's cool w/ that then whatever. But given the interaction between OP and his friend, I'd be willing to bet that that won't be the case.
> 
> And how could they have foreseen that his "old friend" from college would have hooked up w/ his wife's younger cousin?


Why should she know that someone else had sex? That's their business not hers. If you have someone as a guest in your house you can't lay down laws and rules such as you need to floss, you can't have coffee cause I hate the smell, only take a 3 minute shower, no masturbating, no texting, don't let the blanket touch your hair only the sheets cause you might have head lice or something from the plane, and be in bed by 10, and no sex or kissing or anything like that. A guest is a guest and when you invite someone into your home you invite them lock stock and barrel and keep your nose out of their private business. You're not running a dorm for wayward teens.

He can certainly tell his wife, if he wants. Of course he can. 
But not with any morally superior intent in my mind, just as a tidbit of information.

Personally, if you don't have proof of anything (and shame on you if you do) I wouldn't go saying things to the wife because then it's your word (gossip) against her husband's. 

Everyone should be getting std tests at their annual checkups anyhow. And if you have symptoms, get tested before the annual checkup. It's not like she's gonna die. And if she does catch something and spread it to someone else, that's their problem. Using spread of std to justify meddling is just that, justification for something you're personally outraged about, so you expect everyone else to be, too, even though there's a completely different world out there where people will just laugh at you for "warning someone" about their partner's behavior and their health risks.

People don't have "rights" to know about their spouse's behavior. If that was the case, you'd have surveillance be legal everywhere and anywhere, and it's not. If I had a health condition and was married, my spouse would not have a "right" to know. If I was a guy and my wife/partner had an abortion, also I do not have a "right" to know. I can be angry, or upset, but there are no rights. I also have a right to act on my feelings, such as asking questions or expressing my displeasure or even splitting with the person, but there is no "right" going on here except the "moral Right" vs. the individual rights that all human beings have, not only over what they think, but what they choose to do with their own body. A spouse can be displeased with what someone does with their body, but they do not have a "right" to monitor it or to obtain information 24*7 from whatever source they can get their hands on.

If you don't want the friendship because you disagree with the guy's behavior, then end the friendship. Since the wife of the guy is no longer any concern of yours as the guy is also not of concern to you, then let it go, they can sort it out on their own, if it even needs to be sorted out.

You know, there are entire countries where this "informing" behavior would make you a laughingstock.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would not allow him back in my house. Your friend is a cheater maybe the next time he will work towards your wife. I would tell her and I would find some way to let his wife know. 

Just my personal opinion.

Clay


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have to agree with you, HNU.

And I think it takes courage to write what you did here on TAM.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

everyone should be getting std check up at their annual check up?

ever hear of aids?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Convection said:


> Many folks will say the betrayed wife deserves to know. You would want to know in her shoes, right? If that doesn't register, then ask yourself two simple questions:
> 
> 1) *What happens when this comes out and your W figures out you knew all along?*
> 2) Whose trust is it more important that you have - old college friend or W?
> ...


:iagree:

We need an A-freakn-men I really like this button instead of the regular "like" button for when people makes posts like this one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Why should she know that someone else had sex? That's their business not hers. If you have someone as a guest in your house you can't lay down laws and rules such as you need to floss, you can't have coffee cause I hate the smell, only take a 3 minute shower, no masturbating, no texting, don't let the blanket touch your hair only the sheets cause you might have head lice or something from the plane, and be in bed by 10, and no sex or kissing or anything like that. A guest is a guest and when you invite someone into your home you invite them lock stock and barrel and keep your nose out of their private business. You're not running a dorm for wayward teens.


This is so hilariously and tragically flawed. Would you explicitly tell a guest in your home that he or she is forbidden from stealing from you? Probably not. After all, he or she is a guest, and is likely someone that you're comfortable with. As such, you'd likely believe he or she wouldn't steal from you.

This guy came into OP's home and used OP's trust to defile his own marriage. And then, on top of that, _he had so little regard for OP's hospitality that *he bragged about it to him.*_ My first thought would be something along the lines of...

"OK. This guy -- my friend -- just told me that he came into my house and cheated on his wife. And with a member of my family no less! How do I know that, if we were to have him over again, he wouldn't try to do the same thing? How do I know that he wouldn't try this w/ my own wife!?!"



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> He can certainly tell his wife, if he wants. Of course he can. But not with any morally superior intent in my mind, just as a tidbit of information.


Agreed, though does OP's intent in telling his wife really matter? And jld, are you not an avid proponent of complete transparency between spouses?



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Personally, if you don't have proof of anything (and shame on you if you do) I wouldn't go saying things to the wife because then it's your word (gossip) against her husband's.


Pfft. His confession (LOL) is proof enough. If he was lying, let him convince his wife of that.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *Everyone should be getting std tests at their annual checkups anyhow.* And if you have symptoms, get tested before the annual checkup. It's not like she's gonna die. And if she does catch something and spread it to someone else, that's their problem. Using spread of std to justify meddling is just that, justification for something you're personally outraged about, so you expect everyone else to be, too, even though there's a completely different world out there where people will just laugh at you for "warning someone" about their partner's behavior and their health risks.


LOL. What?!? Where do you live?!?



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> People don't have "rights" to know about their spouse's behavior.


Even when said behavior involves betrayal or possible endangerment of a spouse's health...? Ludicrous.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If that was the case, you'd have surveillance be legal everywhere and anywhere, and it's not. If I had a health condition and was married, my spouse would not have a "right" to know. If I was a guy and my wife/partner had an abortion, also I do not have a "right" to know. I can be angry, or upset, but there are no rights. I also have a right to act on my feelings, such as asking questions or expressing my displeasure or even splitting with the person, but there is no "right" going on here except the "moral Right" vs. the individual rights that all human beings have, not only over what they think, but what they choose to do with their own body. A spouse can be displeased with what someone does with their body, but they do not have a "right" to monitor it or to obtain information 24*7 from whatever source they can get their hands on.


Wow. Extrapolate much? Either way, you're arguing legality, not morality. There is law, and there is justice, and the two are often vastly different.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If you don't want the friendship because you disagree with the guy's behavior, then end the friendship.


Agreed, especially since he availed himself of OP's hospitality in order to engage in immoral behavior.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Since the wife of the guy is no longer any concern of yours as the guy is also not of concern to you, then let it go, they can sort it out on their own, if it even needs to be sorted out.


BW is a friend of OP's wife. Inform her, and let her use the information as she sees fit.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You know, there are entire countries where this "informing" behavior would make you a laughingstock.


LOL. Why would I, OP, or anyone else give a damn about how dignified behavior would be perceived or received by those who are incapable of it?

/sigh


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> And jld, are you not an avid proponent of complete transparency between spouses?


Yes, and I can tell you I am completely transparent with dh. I don't think he is with me, though. He is naturally more private and reserved. I trust him totally, though, so I don't think it is a big issue.

There is also the issue of respect, Gus. If the man knows his wife is going to take this info and run with it, where is the respect?

I don't want to be involved in policing other adults. I just don't feel comfortable with that role.

I think the best thing to do would be to distance oneself from the two people involved.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Yes, and I can tell you I am completely transparent with dh. I don't think he is with me, though. He is naturally more private and reserved. I trust him totally, though, so I don't think it is a big issue.
> 
> There is also the issue of respect, Gus. If the man knows his wife is going to take this info and run with it, where is the respect?
> 
> ...


Maybe that's where the disconnect is at -- I don't see this as policing at all. Informing a BS of his or her WS's infidelity isn't necessarily an attempt to police or regulate their marriage.

Put yourself in this woman's shoes -- if you husband had cheated on you, and two of your mutual friends (another couple, no less) knew about it, wouldn't you want them to tell you?!? *That* is respect.

And yeah, I'd definitely distance myself from any "friend" that used an overnight stay in my home to cheat on his wife. In fact, I'd have done it the very moment that he told me of his impropriety. Something along the lines of...

"Get the f*ck up, pack your sh*t, and GTFO. Now."

...would do nicely.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Those with information that involves an informed choice about how another lives their life and makes life choices should not be holding back that kind of information.

In my eyes it is enabling the situation and in the case of a cheater is as bad a behavior as cheating. It is considering lying by omission for me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Maybe that's where the disconnect is at -- I don't see this as policing at all. Informing a BS of his or her WS's infidelity isn't necessarily an attempt to police or regulate their marriage.
> 
> Put yourself in this woman's shoes -- if you husband had cheated on you, and two of your mutual friends (another couple, no less) knew about it, wouldn't you want them to tell you?!? *That* is respect.
> 
> ...


Gus, I hear what you are saying. I do.

You know what, maybe I am just a coward. Maybe that is the bottom line. Maybe I would just be afraid to get involved in that scenario. Maybe I would just feel like I was acting like the morality police, and I just don't feel like I have any business doing that.

Believe me, if I were the man, and that friend were telling me this, I would be lobbying hard for him to tell his wife. There would be no doubt in his mind where I stood on the whole thing.

And I will admit, if my husband cheated on me, and two of my friends knew about it, and did not tell me . . . I really would not consider them _my_ friends. Real friends tell you the truth, even when it is painful.

Yikes. Tough call. Could really come back to bite him if the wife goes into denial and the friend is able to pull one over on her.

Gus, just out of curiosity, have you ever tried to tell a friend the truth about something and had it come back to bite you when they could not accept it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Gus, just out of curiosity, have you ever tried to tell a friend the truth about something and had it come back to bite you when they could not accept it?


Hmm, not that I can recall. Somewhat recently (last year), however, I found myself in a morally-precarious situation that was similar (though a bit more personal) to OP's. Read this post...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/188826-depressed-about-losing-my-best-friends.html#post8533058

I didn't do what I should have done, and I regret it. I kept the truth about my brother's infidelity from my SIL and, looking back, I did so primarily to protect my relationship w/ my brother. Part of my thought process was that, if I didn't keep his confidence, he'd never confide in me or ask me for advice ever again. I further rationalized my decision by reminding myself that his relationship w/ his employee hadn't gone physical yet (I don't believe I'd ever heard the term "emotional affair" at that point, though I certainly recognized the relationship that he described as such) and that, based on our conversation, I honestly believed that he'd do the right thing and break it off. 

And honestly, I really didn't want to involve myself in my brother's mess. When it's family that's involved in these types of things, that's bound to happen. And, once the truth came out, it did (UGH). That may or may not in OP's situation, but it wouldn't sway my decision either way. He and his wife can always just go NC on the other couple, though OP's wife may feel the need to offer emotional support to BW (which is admirable).

When my SIL asked me, "Why didn't you tell me?", it was as if someone had just stabbed me in the neck w/ a Bowie knife.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm, not that I can recall. Somewhat recently (last year), however, found myself in a morally-precarious situation that was similar (though a bit more personal) to OP's. Read this post...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/188826-depressed-about-losing-my-best-friends.html#post8533058
> 
> I didn't do what I should have done, and I regret it. When my SIL asked me, "Why didn't you tell me?", it was as if someone had just stabbed me in the neck w/ a Bowie knife.


After reading that, I can certainly see where you are coming from.

Do you think it makes any difference that it was your brother, whereas this is a friend of the OP?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> After reading that, I can certainly see where you are coming from.
> 
> Do you think it makes any difference that it was your brother, whereas this is a friend of the OP?


Eh, not sure. In my case, I felt that I had to protect my brother (to a degree) and our relationship. Our parents all but beat the phrase (paraphrasing here)...

"You're brothers, and you'll _always_ have to look out for each other, no matter what."

...into us as we were growing up. I guess it was sort of difficult for me to reconcile that w/ the notion that sometimes looking out for my brother means calling him on his bullsh*t, and insisting that he be held accountable for it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Another thought...

After the whole truth about my brother's affair came out, he and my SIL went through an in-house separation of sorts, and they spent a few weeks going back and forth between reconciliation vs. divorce, and everything involved w/ both. Essentially, my SIL was doing everything that she could to get him to recommit to their marriage, but he was still pretty deep in his dopamine-induced fog, so he wouldn't give her an answer either way.

Somewhere in this general timeframe, my wife and I went out of town for a couple of weeks, and I asked my brother to watch our house and look after our pets while we were gone. I even told him that he could stay there if he wanted. Actually, I told them both that. Anyway, we'd also gone out of town a couple of other times earlier in the year, and we'd also asked him to watch the house and look after the pets for us during those times as well. During each of these trips, I'd also left my truck at home, and had told him that he was free to use it if he needed it.

Anyway, when we got back from the last trip, we started thinking about the entire timeline (or at least what we'd been told) w/ regard to my brother's affair, and _we realized that he'd had ample opportunity to use either our home or our truck (or both) to meet up w/ his employee._

So I asked him about it, and he denied it _vehemently._ I studied his face closely. If he'd admitted to it, or if I'd had even the slightest inkling that he were lying to me, I'd have likely knocked him on his @$$, spit in his face, and then thrown him out of my life.

For a while, anyway. After all, he is my baby brother, and I have to look out for him, always. No matter what.

A friend, though? Pssh... I can drop a friend pretty easily. I've had to do it before, and -- depending on the offense -- wouldn't hesitate to do it again.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't like to meddle in other people's business. Including their relationships. How come everyone ignores the "throw the first stone" with their advice. Anyhow, if you invite a guy and a woman to stay over your place on the same night, and throw them together socially, sparks will fly. To expect otherwise is a little naive. And who knows, maybe the wife invited the cousin cause the wife knows something about your friend that you didn't. :-o
> Let sleeping dogs lie (pun intended) and let people who are married sort out their own lives. Don't police other people's morals and ethics. They may have different m.o. or agreements with their spouses than you do in the first place.


 These two people aren't teenyboppers. Their adults who have disrespected their hosts. If they wanted to go bump uglies, then jump in the car and go to the Lusty Smut pay by the hour motel and do your thing.

The wives are friends. The husbands are friends and it boils down to something that;s plain and simple. There's a time and a place for everything. Using his friends home like a ***** house or a dorm is not acceptable. Then he brags to his buddy so his foolishness is now at the lap of his buddy and wife.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> everyone should be getting std check up at their annual check up?
> 
> ever hear of aids?


That too. But it's not fatal any more. Trust me, you'd be a lot worse off with CDIFF or some strains of TB than AIDS these days. At least in the Western World. 

However, I was responding to a post that specifically mentioned STD'S. You can get AIDS from blood transfusions, dental work done without standard precautions, etc. STD's well by definition, you get them from the "SEX" part in STD.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Those with information that involves an informed choice about how another lives their life and makes life choices should not be holding back that kind of information.
> 
> In my eyes it is enabling the situation and in the case of a cheater is as bad a behavior as cheating. It is considering lying by omission for me.


It's a big stretch to assume that others care about their marriage the way that you do about yours. Not everyone does! Some people are married out of convenience or other reasons (taxes, etc.)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's a big stretch to assume that others care about their marriage the way that you do about yours. Not everyone does! Some people are married out of convenience or other reasons (taxes, etc.)


Sorry, but that's a cop out. Do as your conscience dictates, and let BW decide how big of a deal it is to her. She'll likely tell you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm going to go against the grain here, too...

I would certainly tell my wife, because hey, this happened in OUR house. And this woman is her cousin. OP's wife should know. She can decide whether or not to confront her cousin if she chooses.

As for his "friend", I'd likely never speak to him again. You can't, as a guest in someone's home, bring that type of drama with you. Even if he didn't admit to OP what happened, the act itself is disrespectful to his guests. Even if the two parties were single, it's not the time or place. It's not a hotel, and it's not a frat house.

As for his marriage, well... I do think that's between his wife and him - to a certain extent. Yes, OP has information that his friend's wife should probably know. I say "probably", because nobody really knows the situation. For all anybody knows, they have an open marriage. For all anybody knows, she's cheated on him before, and this is his first time. For all anybody knows, they haven't had sex in years. For all anybody knows, they hate each other and stay together for the kids.

Worse yet, if their marriage is broken (which it clearly is), yet they are great parents and their kids are perfectly happy and being raised well, aiding in the breakup of their marriage might not be in the kids best interests. You read many stories here and other places about adults whose parents divorced because of infidelity, and these people have often never recovered and harbor many damaging effects into adulthood - often resulting in them being cheaters, or overly cautious and suspicious of their partners.

Furthermore, OP has no actual proof. He didn't catch them in the act, even. This is easily deniable by either party.

At the end of the day, I would definitely tell my wife. She can confront her cousin if she chooses, and decide whether to cut her out of her life or not.

As for your friend, I would have a solid phone conversation with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and what kind of position he's put you in and what you think of him, and then never speak to him again. If he values your long friendship and respects you as a person, he will understand. At that point, he can choose to confess to his wife or not. I would bet that he likely would. If he knows that your wife knows, and has potentially spoken to her cousin, then he may decide to get ahead of this and confess himself, rather than his wife potentially hearing from a third party.

And if he doesn't do anything himself, that's his issue, TBH. He can live with the guilt, live with the fact that other people know about what he did, live with the fact that he no longer has you and your wife as friends, etc.

But would I pick up the phone and call his wife? Not in this case, no. It might be the moral, "right" thing to do, but that's not always the BEST thing to do. You have your own lives and family to worry about, and while that may seem selfish, it's true.

I honestly think the best course of action here is to cut him out of your life (after an explanation to him as to why), and cut your wife's cousin out of your lives IF she knew he was married. If she didn't know he was married, then a phone call letting her know that you guys didn't appreciate her using your home in such a manner is likely all that is warranted. Hell, I'm not sure I'd even tell her this guy was married if she didn't know. She'd probably already feel a little on the dirty side just having a ONS with some guy in her cousin's house. She'd feel much worse if she found out he was married, as well.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

First off.... Nice friend! (not) You need him like a dose of STI

Second. You say you dont want to get involved. This guy forced you right into the middle of the issue by telling you. You cannot get "uninvolved" now, it just doesnt work like that.

Third. There SHOULD NOT be now or ever secrets between your wife and yourself. 

Fourth. Yes you DO tell your wife and then dicuss next steps. Put yourself in your "friends" Wifes position. If your wife had done this when staying with her best friend wouldnt you want, nay demand to know?
If it transpires that the other wife finds out and then it comes back to your wife, Ive no doubt that there will be some questions asked of you. In those will be "did you know?" unless you lie through your teeth your going to get the backlash from hell from both women. 
Add to this is YOUR level of trust held between you and your wife. If you hide this your Wife can think your hiding other things associated with "your friend" and if you tavel to see him will your Wife be wondering if your playing away from home (bet she will) and if you lie, your wife can take the stance if she sees through it that youve lied about this so what else of this type of thing have you lied about.

Transparency.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Pault said:


> First off.... Nice friend! (not) You need him like a dose of STI
> 
> Second. You say you dont want to get involved. This guy forced you right into the middle of the issue by telling you. You cannot get "uninvolved" now, it just doesnt work like that.
> 
> ...


I absolutely believe in transparency between spouses, but implied in that, to me at least, is respect. I am assuming whatever I tell my husband is going to stay with him. And in our case, it always does.

Transparency builds trust, but it also depends on trust. If you cannot trust your spouse to keep confidences, how transparent, realistically, are you going to feel safe being?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Do what you want but I would tell my wife.

Carrying a secret around like that is tantamount to helping him have an affair.

It's one thing to find out someone in the office is having an affair with no connection to your spouse, but family is family.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: Would you keep it to yourself?*



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's a big stretch to assume that others care about their marriage the way that you do about yours. Not everyone does! Some people are married out of convenience or other reasons (taxes, etc.)


And when his wife finds out that he kept that secret his marriage, which he cares about, may be at risk.

Big huge cop out to not doing the right thing. It is called "stand and be true" not sit and do nothing.

Those who do nothing while injustices prevail are as evil as those who commit those injustices.

I won't change my mind on it either.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CantePe said:


> And when his wife finds out that he kept that secret his marriage, which he cares about, may be at risk.
> 
> Big huge cop out to not doing the right thing. It is called "stand and be true" not sit and do nothing.
> 
> ...


We are debating here what is the "right" thing.
It seems as though the right thing depends on the people involved (none of which we know personally) and their perception of their various costs and benefits. No one person has complete knowledge of any other, and there are five people here, that's a lot of relationships, applying permutation there are 5*4*3*2*1 = 120 different groups of relationships. In order to make a "right" decision that's not, say, based on any observer's religious or moral beliefs but on the beliefs in the relationships involved, we can't decided what's right.

The question was, what would you do if these were (hypothetically) people you knew (and you were, implied, in my shoes.)

I think the OP got a lot of different answers, and will have to go with his own gut, having been exposed to a lot of viewpoints he might not otherwise have considered.

The thing with a decision like this, is, you can't know if you made the right decision, even after the decision has been made!

It's not like a guessing game, where you turn over the shell and you can see if you were right or not.

Suppose he does the "right" thing according to you, and then the person involved gets upset and commits a murder suicide. Then, was it right? Well, maybe it was right, but it didn't have the desired outcome of making people any more moral. Maybe it just made some people dead. But if you can say, well, those people were f*cked up but I was right, then go right ahead.

For me, I don't play god. Doing the "right" thing when you absolutely know it's right, that kind of feeling should just be a red flag for personal insight, if you can really be right in a world so big with so many unknowns. Each grain of sand you move changes the universe with a ripple effect. Be careful of your actions, right may be right for you and make you feel better, but it's not necessarily going to be right in a greater context.

I would tell my friend, please don't tell me these things, they make me uncomfortable and put me in a bad position. And next time you visit, you need to stay in your own place, a B&B or some other lodging, although you are welcome to come for dinner. If you are having issues with your wife, you need to work them out, instead of acting them out, in my house. I want to keep your friendship, but not under these circumstances.

My friend sometimes asks me please do not discuss a certain subject or whatever that she's not comfortable with, and I respect that. It doesn't mean what I'm saying is wrong (it isn't, has nothing to do with things you would consider wrong, anyhow, just past stuff that's difficult to hear) but that she wants our time together to be enjoyable for her and has boundaries, which she communicates. I in turn don't call her delicate, and can refrain from this conversation. If someone has a particular issue with a friend, then talk to that person, don't go playing sheepdog, it's almost like stalking.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This story smells.

You're in a no win situation.

What was your friends motivation to tell you? I don't get it. Did he think you guys would hi-5 and drink a beer after?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> We are debating here what is the "right" thing.
> It seems as though the right thing depends on the people involved (none of which we know personally) and their perception of their various costs and benefits. No one person has complete knowledge of any other, and there are five people here, that's a lot of relationships, applying permutation there are 5*4*3*2*1 = 120 different groups of relationships. In order to make a "right" decision that's not, say, based on any observer's religious or moral beliefs but on the beliefs in the relationships involved, we can't decided what's right.
> 
> The question was, what would you do if these were (hypothetically) people you knew (and you were, implied, in my shoes.)
> ...


I agree with you, HNU, for most of the same reasons and for a few others. Most of the good people here on TAM are speaking in theory but I've actually lived this scenario, more or less, and wished I hadn't gotten involved.

I believe now that it's just not my place to get involved in someone else's affairs (no pun intended). What they choose to do or how they treat one another, short of domestic abuse, just isn't my place. Unless a child's safety was at stake, meaning physical or sexual abuse, I'd just keep my mouth shut.

I'm not looking for drama as I've got enough in my own life to say grace over but here's what happened to me 6 years ago. My brother and his now ex wife were having lots of marital problems. The problems were primarily with my brother, who was abusing prescription drugs and booze. He had had some health issues and then became addicted to a number of different pain medications.

In the process, my ex SIL began to suspect infidelity although she had no hard proof. When told of the evidence, I concurred that she could be possibly right. Here's the thing, she kicked him out of the house with conditions that needed to be met in order for him to return home to her and the kids.

I ended up in the middle of it because she and I were fairly close and she knew that I had also struggled with addiction but had been clean and sober for many years. So she asked me tons of questions and wants my advice. She's calling me 2 to 3 times a week to talk about her husband, my brother, and what to do to fix her marriage.

I should have told her my experience and shut up after that. Instead though, I tried to do the right thing and help her with what she should expect from my brother and that she should feel like she deserved a clean and sober husband. Anyway, my brother chose his addictions over his family and she ended up divorcing him for that and suspected adultery. 

The sad thing is that my brother, even though I was trying to do the right thing, partially blames me for perhaps filling her head full of ideas. That wasn't true but the damage was done. He and I were reasonably close but have hardly spoken a word to one another in almost 6 years. I will never get involved with someone else's issues or marriage again. It really just isn't my business. I don't want to be responsible, or even remotely partially responsible for breaking up someone's family.

Who knows, maybe they don't get divorced had I said a lot less and maybe he would have decided to get cleaned up on his own. I doubt it but who knows. I definitely don't think he and I would be on such strained terms like we are now.

I know people here mean well but you really have to think things through, all the way through, and view the potential consequences. In OP's case, maybe this friend of his would never do it again and he and his W would go on to a long marriage. I wouldn't want to be the reason they got divorced if his W would never have known otherwise. They likely have children involved who could also be effected.

The other scenario is that OP tells his wife who in turn tells the BW and then they reconcile and have nothing to do with you again. They basically villainize you for all the pain they've endured. Yeah, I know that's not logical but I've seen that happen. 

I totally subscribe to the idea that the right thing may not be the best thing. The best thing to me in most cases is to stay out of it as much as possible. If I'm OP, I'd tell my W and and ask her to stay quiet about it too. I might even go so far as to tell my friend I didn't approve and to encourage him to be honest and tell his wife but that would be the extent of it. If he chooses to keep secrets from his W, that's his business and not mine.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wow.

"Hi, I am going to 'take advantage of a relative and brag to you about it." I guess it depends on his tone. And he had to do it in your house.

Yes, confirm if he actually did this. This serves two purposes: one, it establishes his veracity. Second, it will put cousin dear that someone KNOWS she screwed around in your house AND had the bad taste to reveal her activities. She needs to know that she has to own her actions...including knowing that people talk about her and that relatives might have their feelings hurt by her activities. If it's true, she isn't much of a prize either.

And if he lied, drop him like a hot rock.

Next up, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that I am very upset with him. Oh yes, and unlike him, I actually have an honest marriage. My wife needs to know about his character and her cousin's character. What is she going to do about it? Don't know. Don't care. You certainly didn't when you took advantage of our hospitality. Taa taa!

And tell your wife.

Now, as a stranger, I don't care about this guy's marriage or his wife, so telling isn't an automatic thing to me. But I would certainly give him as much press as he decided to share. And if I lost him as a friend...well...not sure it's that big a loss.

Edited to Add: A word about "Man Code". I don't know if you had that presumption between yourselves. It seems you were sort of tight. I certainly visited very few of my old school chums.

So...he might assume your discretion and silence. Understood.

BUT...you are forgetting another facet of 'man code'. Before he took a run at one of 'your women' (and in this case, her being under your roof does make this a Man Code Legal Presumption [see Ownership of women, presumed and implied. Section C, subparagraph a]) he owed it to you to clear his run with you BEFORE he screwed her!

So he is no longer covered under the provisions for a Class II violation.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes, tell your wife. No question.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are many different considerations for the OP. What will happen to the relations between the friend and his wife. What will happen between the couples. What will happen with the cousin and all the extended family. And finally what will happen in OP's own life and marriage.

As outsiders we cannot judge the characters involved. We know too little about them.

First of all we know nothing about the circumstances that led the friend and cousin to have sex. Suppose the man's story is I had undressed and gotten into bed and was surfing on my phone when this woman knocked and came into ask some question. We talked a bit and she left.

I turned out the lights and went to sleep and then at 2:00 I awoke with her sliding into the bed in just panties. She was all over me.

This sort of explanation could be a fabrication. It could also be the truth. The wife of this guy might be very angry at the OP and his wife for being related to a slvt. Who knows how this drama may end.

Regarding male confidence: this is very interesting point. In truth men and women share a lot of private stuff with friends. In part it is a way of venting, ranting. Sometimes we are also looking for advice. One of my brothers tells me a lot about his relations with SIL. If she knew, she'd kill him. She's very smart and controlling. My brother is surgeon. She is a paediatrician (med school classmate) who declined to practice medicine, choosing to be soccer mom instead.

If something like what happened to OP took place in my brother's household, getting the truth from my brother would be far more important to my SIL than the fate of the friend, his wife or the cousin. My SIL would destroy the friend and his marriage to let my brother know what she would do to him if he ever cheated. She would be happy that the tragedy of others provided her with a pedagogical opportunity.

Also, the cousin and the family relations. No one discusses that. Who is she? Favorite Uncle Bob's daughter? Aunty Emelie's baby? What is going to happen when they are informed that she is an immoral home-wrecking slvt?

Family relations may or may not already be complicated.

If I were the OP, I would go through multiple scenarios before I told my wife. Before I told her I would insist on her confidence. The decision to anything proactive with the information would have to be mutual.

In some marriages turning over moral leadership of such a situation to one's wife will just reduce your status at home.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LW, your SIL sounds sick.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She is not sick. She comes from the Caribbean. She was the beloved daughter of a successful businessman who sent her to the US boarding school to escape a socialist politician who sent his country into a negative spiral. Her father fell ill with cancer and died when she was in her late teens. She got into university in the US and then medical school.

I am not fond of my SIL but I don't think she is sick. We have different values. She comes from another culture, where poverty weakens the family. A strong woman has control of her man because the island is covered with women who will steal men away. Men have to be watched. Their time has to be accounted for.

Just imagine Wall Street investment bankers who tell their spouses that they have to work 48 hours to close merger and acquisition deals. This includes flying at short notice to visit businesses, meet lawyers, etc. How many of those men and women cheat because they are under all sorts of pressure and do not have to account for their time?

A man or woman who is finishing up this sort of work can easily meet a colleague to check the details, eat meal together and end up cheating. They can even tell the spouse on Long Island that they have to stay over in Manhattan to skip commuting in the morning.

Given all of the lies and dishonesty in the financial industry, how could one assume fidelity is the norm there?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Glad I'm not the only one thinking that this could possibly be a 'fish story'.

Before you decide to throw a grenade into your friend's marriage, and without doubt, you and your spouses relationship to them, I would think a little verification would be in order.

Did they have sex? Quite possibly. Was it something else entirely? Quite possibly.

Have the conversation with your wife on the understanding that she checks the cousin's story. If she denies it, I really don't see what mileage anyone gets out alienating all of you from one another. Hell, you could confront your friend with the 'tell or else ...' and he could back peddle and state that it was just wishful thinking on his part. Which takes us to the conundrum. YOU don't know what really happened, or maybe you do. In my experience one is never as quiet having sex as one might imagine, thinking that they are being discreet; when in fact they may as well have a marching band playing to theme music to the bump an grind.

Verify. Then, decide what course, with what consequences as a result.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> I am not fond of my SIL but I don't think she is sick. We have different values. She comes from another culture, where poverty weakens the family. A strong woman has control of her man because the island is covered with women who will steal men away. Men have to be watched. Their time has to be accounted for.


Wow. Sounds like a tough place to be a wife.

Thanks for explaining, LW. Interesting cultural lesson.


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