# Wife always looking for more



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.

I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.

my wife is constantly trying to tell me that I’m not a partner to her. The only time she’s happy is when I’m not only doing my chores and responsibilities but hers as well. We tried to divide up chores a few weeks ago, but somehow it’s just not enough for her.

she works 1 day a week and that is her choice, and I feel she is afforded that choice because of the money that I make. I feel like I get no recognition or consideration for that.

Tonight I asked her if she had been writing down developmental milestones in our daughters baby book. She abruptly said “psh, no have you?” I was like “no but I wasn’t aware that was my job?” Like I don’t get it, now I’m in charge of baby books? it’s not a huge deal but it just seems silly, when does it end? I feel totally emasculated.

I make great money, I’m a good dad, I treat her well, I help around the house as much as possible. But somehow she still wants more? I just don’t know how to make her appreciate my value.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.
> 
> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you need to push back on your Queen. 

A reasonable measure is whether she is doing about the same amount in housework and job that you are doing. If not, it is her that needs to contribute more. 
It sounds like that you are at risk of an unfaithful spouse, because she wants more time to text and Facebook.


----------



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> It sounds like you need to push back on your Queen.
> 
> A reasonable measure is whether she is doing about the same amount in housework and job that you are doing. If not, it is her that needs to contribute more.
> It sounds like that you are at risk of an unfaithful spouse, because she wants more time to text and Facebook.


I doubt she would ever be unfaithful. And I’ve had to push back on her. 

But if I push too much then she accuses me of being an asshole or having a temper. It’s like, to get anywhere with her I have to be extremely gentle and patient or she can’t handle it and will just storm off. 

We are going to couples therapy in 2 weeks and I really hope the therapist gives her some advice on either counseling, meds or something.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> I doubt she would ever be unfaithful. And I’ve had to push back on her.
> 
> But if I push too much then she accuses me of being an asshole or having a temper. It’s like, to get anywhere with her I have to be extremely gentle and patient or she can’t handle it and will just storm off.
> 
> We are going to couples therapy in 2 weeks and I really hope the therapist gives her some advice on either counseling, meds or something.


Let her accuse you. Idle hands are a devil's plaything. 
No man wants to think his wife is at risk, but if she's creating the environment to be at risk, from too much idle time, she's at risk. 

I hope the counselling can shake some sense into her.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You realize a good counselor will give both of you something to work on. They don’t put one spouse in their place.


----------



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You realize a good counselor will give both of you something to work on. They don’t put one spouse in their place.


Absolutely and I’m willing to do my part. And I have been since the beginning. I’m just hoping she is also willing to listen to their advice


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you shoudl ask her if she is ready to work 5 days a week, because that is what she will need to do when you leave her sorry ass. Maybe then she will realize what you contribute to the marriage


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Rip4745 said:


> I doubt she would ever be unfaithful. And I’ve had to push back on her.
> 
> But if I push too much then she accuses me of being an asshole or having a temper. It’s like, to get anywhere with her I have to be extremely gentle and patient or she can’t handle it and will just storm off.
> 
> We are going to couples therapy in 2 weeks and I really hope the therapist gives her some advice on either counseling, meds or something.


So why don't you do this: Create a CHORE schedule (INCLUDE your work hours on the timetable also), sit down, discuss with her which ones she wants YOU to do and which ones SHE will do. YOU of course have less "billable hours" to do these chores since you work way more than she does.
So, for example, you have 2 hours per day to do chores. She has 8 hours per day to do chores (except the day she works). SO you should be doing 2/8's and she doing 6/8's of the chores. Exceptions: where only YOU can do something (for example, it's too physically demanding for her to do the work, or perhaps it's one of your specialties to do the work like cooking).


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

tell her to get off of her rump and get a real five day a week job.
until then, tell her to go screw.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

some lazy people are really very good at appearing busy. They yell a lot about how much you’re supposed to be doing. All that yelling is a good way to keep you from noticing how they’re are factually, doing very little.

A bit like the cheater who is possessive and thinks you’re sleeping with everybody.

So what does she do? A hot meal waiting for you after a hard day’s work? Or not?


----------



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> some lazy people are really very good at appearing busy. They yell a lot about how much you’re supposed to be doing. All that yelling is a good way to keep you from noticing how they’re are factually, doing very little.
> 
> A bit like the cheater who is possessive and thinks you’re sleeping with everybody.
> 
> So what does she do? A hot meal waiting for you after a hard day’s work? Or not?


well she works 1,12 hour day at work on mondays. The other 6 days a week she is taking care of our two young kids. She handles the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Although I try to help out as much as possible when I’m home with the kids and cleaning.

which to me seems like a fairly balanced arrangement by itself. But it seems that apparently I’m not doing my “fair share” of house work. Which I think is total BS, of course I don’t do as much as her because I’m working at my job and I have my own jobs around the house that she doesn’t do like yard work.

it just seems like she’s always trying to tell me somewhere that I’m lacking. It’s tiring


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Since she's always bellyaching about what you lack, ask her how she'd feel about lacking a husband.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Now that she knows she has you child-chained to her she can now turn you into a personal slave without fear of you running off. How do you like her true colors? The problem is you actually believe you are not doing enough when the problem is your wife is a brat. Soon she will let you know you loaded the dishwasher wrong and you sweep the floor incorrectly. This will go on as long as you allow it. She understands she can bulldoze you. The best part is that the sex has died or will die very soon.


----------



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I am not a parent, but I am an aunt and have friends with young children and I will tell you that personally I would prefer a full day of my work over even 3 or 4 hours of parenting and household chores every day.

Why? Because I chose my work, I chose my profession, for many of us, it holds an interest, we feel valued, we feel we get something in return, it allows us to create a sense of individuality and pride in our achievements.

I wonder, does she enjoy that one long day a week working far more than childcare, cooking and cleaning? Is she more motivated on those days? If so, perhaps she needs to consider going back to work full time and paying for childcare/maid etc? 

I'm guessing this is less about what you do or don't do, but more about the fact that she is not feeling valued solely because she receives little from it, no pay, no enjoyment and no thanks, as it's expected.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rip4745 said:


> somehow she still wants more? I just don’t know how to make her appreciate my value.


You can't. Geez, even Almighty God can't do that. He only scores about 10% of people who love Him and consider Him a wonderful God. The other 90% are impudent, self-entitled, myself-on-the-throne-of-MY-life (the one they never would have had without Him) people, half of whom refuse to admit that He even exists, many of whom are "good Christians".....

If she doesn't CHOOSE to appreciate you, you will never be appreciated by her. That's why God doesn't "make" us appreciate Him..... it's worthless to Him....



Rip4745 said:


> to me seems like a fairly balanced arrangement by itself.


to me, too ......



MarmiteC said:


> perhaps she needs to consider going back to work full time and paying for childcare/maid etc?


and, perhaps, she needs to consider going back to work AND being UNABLE to pay for childcare, much less a maid, with her husband GONE.....
but, @Mr.Married is absolutely right, that thought never crosses her mind....

because somehow, I get the idea, from what you wrote, that she belongs in the 90% who never consider this toward God, either.....

If you want to understand this, just have a look at your mother-in-law and her marriage, your wife's family-of-origin....



Rip4745 said:


> I’m just hoping she is also willing to listen to their advice


She won't, if her family-of-origin taught her otherwise when she was a child. She will consider them "wrong" and that she is "right", and that will invoke no change in behavior.


----------



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

TJW said:


> and, perhaps, she needs to consider going back to work AND being UNABLE to pay for childcare, much less a maid, with her husband GONE.....


I disagree. I think she's been branded as 'lazy' without all of the background information. Did she work prior to having children? Did they both agree it made financial sense for her to give up all but one day at work, but now she is struggling with getting a sense of fulfillment? Perhaps not, but exploring all possibilities should be the response. There are always 2 sides to every story.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rip4745 said:


> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can





Rip4745 said:


> she works 1,12 hour day at work on mondays. The other 6 days a week she is taking care of our two young kids. She handles the majority of the cooking and cleaning


You mention your wife works one 12-hour shift a week but that she takes care of the kids the other 6 days plus does the majority of cooking and cleaning.

You state you have a full time job, which I am assuming is 5 days a week, and do yardwork, which I assume is seasonal, and the dishes.

How much of the childcare do take on after you get home from work? I ask because you said your wife takes care of the kids "the other 6 days of the week". Kids don't stop at 5 pm Monday- Friday.



Rip4745 said:


> my wife is constantly trying to tell me that I’m not a partner to her. The only time she’s happy is when I’m not only doing my chores and responsibilities but hers as well. We tried to divide up chores a few weeks ago, but somehow it’s just not enough for her.


Can you elaborate on what you mean by dividing up the chores? Did you take all of the chores, even the ones she does now, and try to divide those up between the two of you?



Rip4745 said:


> Tonight I asked her if she had been writing down developmental milestones in our daughters baby book.


Were you asking out of curiosity or were you checking up on her like a boss would to an employee?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife used to say stuff like that, occasionally. Then I told her to swap chores, including walking the dog at 7 o' clock in the morning... she declined and never mentioned it again...


----------



## lovefree264 (Oct 28, 2021)

I know this feeling and this is something me and my wife fought about many times. I would come home do the dishes, bathe our son and most of the stuff and she would still try to make it seem like I wasn't doing enough. So what I started to do was I would do my stuff, take care of anything, and never bring it up to her or anything. I go tough because sometimes being too nice to your wife makes you lose your edge. 

The edge is what you need to get back in your marriage. With her being at home like that she's probably just bored. My wife and I didn't do any counseling. I just needed to fix this problem or our marriage would be over. I ended up coming across this story on reddit https://letsstaymarried.blogspot.com and managed to restore some order to my marriage. 

Wives are special creatures. Even when you think you are doing the most you still aren't doing enough and this is where the problem lies. 

Hopes this helps.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I disagree. I think she's been branded as 'lazy' without all of the background information. Did she work prior to having children? Did they both agree it made financial sense for her to give up all but one day at work, but now she is struggling w





lovefree264 said:


> I know this feeling and this is something me and my wife fought about many times. I would come home do the dishes, bathe our son and most of the stuff and she would still try to make it seem like I wasn't doing enough. So what I started to do was I would do my stuff, take care of anything, and never bring it up to her or anything. I go tough because sometimes being too nice to your wife makes you lose your edge.
> 
> The edge is what you need to get back in your marriage. With her being at home like that she's probably just bored. My wife and I didn't do any counseling. I just needed to fix this problem or our marriage would be over. I ended up coming across this story on reddit https://letsstaymarried.blogspot.com and managed to restore some order to my marriage.
> 
> ...


It just comes down to the principle that a job takes as long as the time you have for it. She doesn't have much to do, so what she has to do takes her all day, even if the husband does three times as much.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.
> 
> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.
> 
> ...



_I make great money, I’m a good dad, I treat her well, I help around the house as much as possible. But somehow she still wants more? I just don’t know how to make her appreciate my value._

It will never be enough no matter what you provide to your wife. Take control away from your wife. Serve her divorce papers. When she has lost all she has taken for granted then she _*may*_ recognize what she has lost but not likely. 

Talking to her has been a waste of your time as she will concede nothing and admit no fault. Asking her to go to counselling will also be a waste of your time. She balked at the thought of documenting milestones in your daughter's baby book. Asking your wife to do anything helpful is a waste of time. 

This is not someone you can partner / work with. She only wants to give orders not actually participate.


----------



## Rip4745 (Jun 22, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I disagree. I think she's been branded as 'lazy' without all of the background information. Did she work prior to having children? Did they both agree it made financial sense for her to give up all but one day at work, but now she is struggling with getting a sense of fulfillment? Perhaps not, but exploring all possibilities should be the response. There are always 2 sides to every story.


yes she worked full time as a nurse prior to having kids. Before the baby was born we both agreed that she would only work part time after the baby came. This would allow her to still get benefits and would be 2 days a week.

After the baby came she suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to only work 1 day a week. This caused a lot of tension in our relationship. But I eventually gave in, to this day 3 years later I think she would be happier working part time. But she has informed me she doesn’t want to do that right now.

I want to know what her plan is to return to work though. (She won’t discuss this with me)


----------



## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> A reasonable measure is whether she is doing about the same amount in housework and job that you are doing


How is this reasonable when she only works 1 day a week and he does full time ?


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> How is this reasonable when she only works 1 day a week and he does full time ?


I'm talking about totality. If you're working and housechoring fifty hours/week, is she working and housechoring fifty hours a week as well?


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You need to study up on and implement the 180.
You make sure that you and the kids are taken care of.
All she gets is civil, cold, and indifferent.
Let this fester for a few days and distance yourself.
Take the time to get yourself and your thoughts sorted.
When she cracks, lay out your case.
Tell her that that if conditions A and B are not met, that will result in a C'ya.
If she doesn't get it, have a lawyer administer cleanup.
She can only treat you like crap with your permission.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rip4745 said:


> I doubt she would ever be unfaithful. And I’ve had to push back on her.


Dude: please, stop being so naïve. Although this is not your problem at this moment, I behoove you to start opening your eyes as to how the world turns, not as to how you perceive it to be.
Do you have any idea as to how many men come to this type of forums, and when told the first thing that comes out of their mouth is "my wife wouldn't ever cheat on me" only to come back crying that they found out that the problem was that the wife was cheating on them, so NEVER, ever discount this possibility. 

Now on to your problem. I don't really care as to how it is be perceived, but an immediately solution is to immediately shut her up with no room for her to continue berating you. And yes you guys need counseling.

My wife seldom, but occasionally, for no apparent reason starts to nag at me. But when she does, I respond with: stop right now, I don't want to hear your irrational demands which I WILL NOT DO. Now get out of my face. if she continues: I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF MY FACE, NOW. 

And please, grab your balls and stop feeling emasculated, because if your are feeling emasculated, then YOU ARE EMASCULATED.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hi @Rip4745,
I think your wife thinks you are becoming more feminine!
When a woman starts asking her man to do the dishes and more housework, and what ever he does it's not enough, and asks him for more, not appreciate him, it's a very clear sign that she is losing interest in him and losing desire, she wants him to take over the house chores so she can start finding a replacement, she is trying to reconcile in her mind that her husband is not the man she wanted, the strong successful dominant assertive man (Alpha male)!
That's why she is sh** testing you!
Have you ever heard about women sh** tests?!
It's real and it's not a buzz word, it's part of the female psychology and how women think.
Most often they do it subconsciously without them even known!
She is pushing you to stand up for yourself and assert you dominance (Trying to get that Alpha male out) before she friend zones you!
If you constantly fail her tests you get replaced (at least sexually) by other men who are more Alpha than you, this is mainly how affairs starts!

Read this book (it should take you two days to finish) Amazon: What Women Want When They Test Men: How to Decode Female Behavior, Pass a Woman's Tests, and Attract Women Through Authenticity
The author says:


> So if you're dating or in a relationship and women constantly create drama, lose interest in you, or manipulate you, it's time you finally got some advice from one of the only relationship books for men that won't turn you into a doormat.


Then read:

The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi
The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life - By Richard Cooper
Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man - By Joseph South
If you can't read these and you think you got it figured out, than I doubt you can fix any thing in your marriage/relationships!

You might think by looking at the surface that this is a house chore war from a lazy wife, it's not, it's a power play and about dominance, if you lose she loses all desire for you!
What's happening in your marriage is very serious, your wife is taking you through the *Betaization process* and you need to take actions to not allow that to happen and restore the balance!

From the voice for men *Betaization process*:


> Betaization process: Why would a woman even do this when she likes alpha males? Well, this is the paradox of women: Sexually attracted, of course, by an alpha (*strong, independent, can't be told, assertive, leader type*, etc.) - but for the offspring and her own (non-sexual) well-being as well as that of her children, a beta male is more suitable (provider, can be ordered around according to her own wishes, etc.). Of course you have no respect for a Beta Man, which is why you only want to have the absolute minimum of sex with him. This is also the reason why there is more sexual activity in the bedroom before a marriage (man tends to be an alpha) than after the marriage (man becomes a beta through the betaization process).
> 
> The betaization process happens imperceptibly and unconsciously in small steps and is inherent in every woman's nature. It cannot be reversed (Say: If someone has lost respect for you, you will not get it back). The aim of the man is - since he is aware of this process - to let it progress as slowly as possible or even to stop it - it is not reversible.


You can google it to find more information about this process!
You will be shocked to find what your wife is doing is simply turning you into a Beta provider, and you are allowing it to happen without you known or realizing the devastating outcome after it!

Let me start by this:

Who makes the decisions in your relationship?
How is the sex life going? how often?
Are you healthy and fit?
Are you assertive and is she submissive (meaning: does she follow your lead) or does she push back?
*Please note:* When a man gets married it's normal to develop *some* Beta traits to sustain the relationship, so I'm not advocating that you don't help around the house, but do the manly stuff, have your Alpha traits *(**Strong, independent, dominant, can't be told, assertive, leader type.. Etc.) *out weight you Beta ones!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rip4745 said:


> I doubt she would ever be unfaithful. And I’ve had to push back on her.
> 
> *But if I push too much then she accuses me of being an asshole or having a temper. It’s like, to get anywhere with her I have to be extremely gentle and patient or she can’t handle it and will just storm off.*
> 
> We are going to couples therapy in 2 weeks and I really hope the therapist gives her some advice on either counseling, meds or something.


So what if she accuses you. Why are you afraid of her?


----------



## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

You treated her “too well” and now she thinks whatever little weight that she is pulling is a big deal.

you need to stop doing her job. Let her know this is number of hours you have and things you have done. She needs to start getting off her butt and do some real work. Maybe not just throwing her under the bus the start with. But try to work with her, start something, then let her take over and do the rest. And tell her this right at the beginning so she doesn’t feel “you just left her with the work”, but the intention is you guide her on how to start and make it her responsibility to finish it.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.
> 
> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.
> 
> ...


If you treat her like a star, she will treat you like a fan. Type a comment on your favorite major actor's page, see if they respond. Of course not, you're just another fan. The way you make someone appreciate your value, is by taking it away. If she's not worried you could replace her with a younger, hotter model, then this is what you get.

Head to youtube and start checking out Rollo Tomassi and Rich Cooper. 

Best of luck


----------



## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

I used to deal with this type of behavior too. Until I drew a line in the sand and stood firm. Explain your side clearly and make it known what you will and will not tolerate.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Apparently your wife is dealing with a baby and a toddler. It isn't unusual for the parents to dote on the first born with the baby books, constant photos etc and let it slide with subsequent children. Because they have less time to devote to such things. 

The subsequent children may feel slighted, though. Perhaps, you can bring this up with your wife and it would be obvious to one and all that she is the primary caregiver.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How were the chores divided up before she started working one day a week?

I am going to assume the you play and take care for the kids when home. 

How much time does the yard work take up? We have 7.5 acres to take care of, it is time consuming. 

You might suggest that your wife do some mowing when you get home. My wife did this on her own for some peace and quiet from the kids when I got off work. I watched the kids and cooked dinner on the days I wasn’t at my second job.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rip4745 said:


> well she works 1,12 hour day at work on mondays. The other 6 days a week she is taking care of our two young kids. She handles the majority of the cooking and cleaning


Sounds to me that she is tired and stressed out, working 1 day and looking after 2 young kids + most of the house chores. Can't you see that? If she is complaining it's not because you don't do enough, but because she is overwhelmed. Go to couple counselling, it will be good for you and maybe you'll find out how you can support her better. And DON'T do the 180 if you don't want to destroy your marriage.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rip4745 said:


> well she works 1,12 hour day at work on mondays. The other 6 days a week she is taking care of our two young kids. She handles the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Although I try to help out as much as possible when I’m home with the kids and cleaning.
> 
> which to me seems like a fairly balanced arrangement by itself. But it seems that apparently I’m not doing my “fair share” of house work. Which I think is total BS, of course I don’t do as much as her because I’m working at my job and I have my own jobs around the house that she doesn’t do like yard work.
> 
> *it just seems like she’s always trying to tell me somewhere that I’m lacking. It’s tiring*


And it continues because you tolerate it. 

You are allowing her to set the expectations and tone in your marriage, and as a result she doesn’t respect you. 
And when a woman doesn’t respect you, she will treat you poorly.
And the more you supplicate to her and try to please her by being a better servant / plowhorse, the worse it will get.

How’s your sex life by the way?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How you doing @Rip4745 ?


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rip4745 said:


> So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.
> 
> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.
> 
> ...


She will take whatever she can convince you to give. As essentially a SAHM you shouldnt be doing anything more than what you do today. If that doesnt float her boat, maybe you need to cut back some more. If she becomes a single mom as result of her crap she will get to do 100% of stuff at home while working as well.

Just for reference both my mother and my wife were SAHM, neither expected their husbands to perform household chores, their husbands were expected to manage the yard and house maintenance and “bring home the bacon”. Full stop.

If your wife wants to share the housrhold chores she needs to go back to work full time.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MarmiteC said:


> I am not a parent, but I am an aunt and have friends with young children and I will tell you that personally I would prefer a full day of my work over even 3 or 4 hours of parenting and household chores every day.
> 
> Why? Because I chose my work, I chose my profession, for many of us, it holds an interest, we feel valued, we feel we get something in return, it allows us to create a sense of individuality and pride in our achievements.
> 
> ...


This. Many ladies loathe being a SAHM. Perhaps she feels stuck? Is there a way for her to get out of the house for a little while each day?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Rip4745 said:


> yes she worked full time as a nurse prior to having kids. Before the baby was born we both agreed that she would only work part time after the baby came. This would allow her to still get benefits and would be 2 days a week.
> 
> After the baby came she suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to only work 1 day a week. This caused a lot of tension in our relationship. But I eventually gave in, to this day 3 years later I think she would be happier working part time. But she has informed me she doesn’t want to do that right now.
> 
> I want to know what her plan is to return to work though. (She won’t discuss this with me)


Ok, so nurses make a fair amount and 3 12-hour shifts is FT in thar field. So, losing 1/3 of her income is a stiff hit to your household income, and you actually lost twice that? Sounds stressful.

Nonetheless, you're handling most / all of the household expenses; that's an accomplishment today. Is the issue that she's not happy with her lifestyle? If so, you need to remind her you are doing very well and her seriously cuttinh back her hours doesn't make it your job to replace her lost income.

If she thought cutting her work hours meant more free time, it doesn't work that way either. The total time and effort expended on responsibilities needs to be fairly equal.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds to me that she is tired and stressed out, working 1 day and looking after 2 young kids + most of the house chores. Can't you see that? If she is complaining it's not because you don't do enough, but because she is overwhelmed. Go to couple counselling, it will be good for you and maybe you'll find out how you can support her better. And DON'T do the 180 if you don't want to destroy your marriage.


I see your point, but if he is just as busy as he is, then she should not be complaining at him or asking him to do more. They might just have to let stuff go, or she might just have to dig deeper.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

IMO if she isnt happy being a SAHM, she should work full time and take the kids to daycare. And share the household duties 50/50. 

My wife wanted to be a mommy and that was her aspiration. She loved being SAHM and was very good at it. Until the kids got older, she got bored home all day with them gone whereupon she got a part time job of her own. She always insisted on doing the housework, still says that is "her domain". Born and raised in an older culture than the West.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Your ship is slowly sinking and you keep adding more water. 

You need to man up now! Stop being a door mat. She is losing respect for you.

I made the same mistake as you when my XWW came down with the Princess Syndrome. Before I knew it, I was doing everything around the house including paying all the bills with my income. It was still not enough. Her treatment of me kept getting worse. 

It wasn’t long before she started using all her spare time, while I was at work to start cheating with a another married scumbag that did nothing around his house and whose wife paid the bills.


----------



## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

To the OP:

You both divided up the chores together, you've both agreed on the plan and now she doesn't respect that agreement enough to keep to it. The problem is you've been doing all these things "for free" and you're fully factored in and taken for granted. Now from her perspective you're making her do it.

I think she probably needs some kind of coaching/counselling. It sounds like she has a very easy life and it will never be enough. You can't make anyone else happy. We need challenge.

She works one day and does half the house work. You're working full time and doing half the house work. In life looking after one's children is not hard work - or it shouldn't be - because if it is there's a problem.

It just sounds like you've put her up on a pedestal and you've now got no way to get her back down again. The same thing happened to me. My now ex-wife quit her part time job in the end and just used to sit around all day in her pyjamas. Eventually I found out she was on her laptop all day flirting with heaps of dudes kinda living a highschool fantasy of hers. She initiated divorce proceeding.

For me divorce was worth it in retrospect, I didn't choose it, but this has worked out a lot better for me than how I used to live. The great thing is when my ex-wife kicked me out I discovered the positive side of having to look after her lazy butt all those years was that I could do all the domestic chores and tasks necessary both inside and outside the home as well as work full-time, run a house-hold and raise kids well. I earned the bacon and cooked it too and then cleaned it up and put it away and then spent time with the family I had. I felt like a better parent doing it by myself and I eventually got to have 50% custody (I still paid about the same for child support as I've always worked full time).


----------



## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Sorry but you married a horrible woman. Divorce is your only option


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is why I got my plumbing disconnected after our second was born. There was no way in hell I was ever going through that again. 

I was a good father but I was not a good comother.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Again -- the social conditioning is so powerful and thorough. Some guys are too far gone like this OP. As Paul Elam says - it's not having a backbone. She has co-opted the power amigo and you went blindly along with it. It will get worse. Work Harder friend. bring home more money for her to spend. this is the life you have chosen.


----------



## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I do a minimum 50 hours a week at work, not including commutes, my wife does 30, I earn 4 times what she does. She chose a nice little stress free job, I chose a high stress career. 

When this stuff came up in hour relationship, I flat told her when's she's done 20 hours of chores each week, then we can talk. She got pissy for a while, but I won't budge on it, she knows what the alternative is and she doesn't find it palletable.

Ps.I wash and iron my own clothes, because I like them to smell a certain way and be ironed how I like them. 👍


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Goobertron said:


> It sounds like she has a very easy life and it will never be enough. You can't make anyone else happy.


There is an old adage which says ""....idle hands are the devil's workshop.....". The more self-indulgent and indolent people become, the less "happy" they become. And, the more they become convinced that if only something (or someone) would "meet their standards" (which they fail miserably at), then, they would be "happy".

They fail to recognize that they are doing this to themselves.

You also cannot "make" someone respect you. They either choose to follow the "golden rule", or they don't. Many people want to be respected, but adopt :



WasDecimated said:


> Princess Syndrome.


where, they do not respect others, but expect it to be given to them. All those "commoners" (like you) can serve them.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> This is why I got my plumbing disconnected after our second was born. There was no way in hell I was ever going through that again.


I did that too... and that's when my wife's mental issues got really bad. Although she agreed to it, I believe that subconsciously she lost the only reason her life was possible and bearable: having babies.


----------



## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

Rip4745 said:


> So ever since my wife and I had our first daughter. She has become very controlling, obsessive, and demanding about what I’m contributing to this marriage.
> 
> I work a full time job, do all the yard work, do the dishes. Help out with the kids when I can. I personally think as far as husbands and dads go I feel I do very well.
> 
> ...


I think your wife works 7 days a week if there are 2 small kids.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Sounds like you are just a disposable tool that will be thrown out when you are no longer of any use.


----------

