# Handling wife's body image issues



## calamityjim

When I met my wife, she was a recovering anorexic. So she's abviously always suffered from body image issues. 

After 3 kids and ump-teen years, I tell her that I love her. I tell her how gorgeous she is every day. She doesn't believe me. "How can you think this long face, thin hair, empty/saggy/st retch-marked boobs, lumpy tummy, and cellulited butt/thighs is gorgeous?" 

"Because it's _you_, those things make you _you_, and I therefore love them." 

And I'm 100% genuine. Maybe love clouds my vision, but I see all those things and love them. Is there anything more I can do to convince her? Surely this is common, any veteran advice? What about for the future, as she feels like her attractiveness is fading by the day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

You can heap all the praise you can muster on her but what she sees in her mind is what counts to her.

IMO, she needs some IC help from a professional who can help her through this.


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## richie33

If she is not doing anything to help herself your words are meaningless to her. It's a very diffult situation. She needs IC.


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## Yeswecan

calamityjim said:


> "Because it's _you_, those things make you _you_, and I therefore love them."
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is how I explain it to my wife. All of her visually and what is inside makes her beautiful. She never lost her weight after the children. It did not matter. She is beautiful to me.

Your's is a special case. *The anorexic issue.* My limited understanding of it. From my understanding it is a pressure and image issue in their minds. How they should look. 

I can only suggest she continues her recovery. *Keep supporting and loving her.* Be a positive person in her life. Hopefully she will fully recover and realize you do love her because of her. 

God Bless.


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## Busy Accountant

Hi Jim

I am a mom of a "recovered" anorexic daughter. She struggled for 4 years with it. She spent 4 months in a residential facility. This facility gave the loved ones of its patients a lot of information.

Believe me, your wife does not want to feel this way. She is in a very dark place, and yes, your words of encouragement don't matter. Unfortunately, there is a voice inside her that is louder than yours that is telling her lies about herself. Self image issues can retrigger after stressful times or times of transition. 

Anorexia is not only an emotional disorder, it is a physical disorder. It causes neuro chemical changes in the brain that help perpetuate the disease. Most cases of eating disorders are coupled with other emotional issues, depression, anxiety, OCD....

First, educate yourself about ED's. Look online at the National Eating Disorders Association. There are tons of resources there. Then find your wife a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. It is a very complex disease. 

The thing that got through to my daughter was not to talk about food or her body image, but her happiness. I told her that we needed to find the spark that had left her eyes. The good news is, we found it after some very hard work. I did some of the work, she did the hardest part.

You mention your children. Are some of them daughters? Research has found that ED's have a high degree of inheritability. So Jim, you need to be on the lookout as your children approach their teens. Sorry 'bout that, more bad news. But there is a lot going on that gives families struggling with ED's hope. So get reading and best to you and your entire family.

National Eating Disorders Association


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## lifeistooshort

I had some anorexia issues as a teen and saw a lot of it, having run cross country for a very long time. One thing I would suggest is telling her that you don't think everyone else sees what she sees and she should get help for that, because chances are it's true. A good response is "honey, I love you and think you're beautiful. If you're asking if you're perfect that's unfair because nobody is. If you're unhappy work to change what you can and accept that life happens and things change. You'll be beautiful to me at every point in your life, now please make an appt with someone that specializes in body image issues because this is beyond my skill to help".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calamityjim

I probably wasn't as clear as I thought. She was anorexic as a teen. We're now in our thirties. Through probably the first year or two we were together, she would have minor "relapses" where she felt she needed to go "purge" whatever she just ate. But nothing for the past decade, I'd say. I just figured it would be relevant as an example of the fact that her own image of herself is distorted.


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## Busy Accountant

Yes - The disorder eating and unhealthy behaviors can be corrected but the thoughts can go on for years. I saw a chart that said they likely go on for 10 to 15 years after the behaviors change. So, your wife could be eating correctly but not feeling any different. Eating disorders are chronic conditions.

This is about her happiness. So far, you have not been able to convince her that she is beautiful (and she likely is). So, how about you try something different?


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## Yeswecan

calamityjim said:


> I probably wasn't as clear as I thought. She was anorexic as a teen. We're now in our thirties. Through probably the first year or two we were together, she would have minor "relapses" where she felt she needed to go "purge" whatever she just ate. But nothing for the past decade, I'd say. I just figured it would be relevant as an example of the fact that her own image of herself is distorted.



You have answered the issued. Her own self image is distorted. Not something easily changed if at all. I would continue to telling her she is beautiful. 

Honestly, my wife says the same thing. I comment daily on how beautiful she is. She will respond somethings with, "Yeah right. My fat a$$ and droopy t i ts. Hardly beautiful." It is her self image as she sees it. What I see is her. This is her who I think is beautiful. I understand, like you, how it is a bit hard to explain that is just her and these attributes make up her and who I love. 

Just keep on loving and praising her. One day, hopefully, she will realize you really mean it.


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## jld

Yeswecan said:


> Just keep on loving and praising her. One day, hopefully, she will realize you really mean it.


Just be supportive. Listen to her. Hold her. Tell her, as you do, "When is my beautiful girl going to see herself the way I do?" And then hold her some more. This is the sort of thing my husband might say, anyway.

One thing that is helpful is to show her things online or in print that say that different men like different body types. That was a new idea to me, reading TAM, or at least one I had not heard for a while. Reading it repeatedly here has been enlightening. The fashion industry tends to condition us that only one body type is acceptable.

And just keep on loving her, accepting her, nurturing her. It is very stabilizing.


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## Caribbean Man

jld said:


> Just be supportive. Listen to her. Hold her. Tell her, as you do, "When is my beautiful girl going to see herself the way I do?" And then hold her some more. This is the sort of thing my husband might say, anyway.
> 
> One thing that is helpful is to show her things online or in print that say that different men like different body types. That was a new idea to me, reading TAM, or at least one I had not heard for a while. Reading it repeatedly here has been enlightening. The fashion industry tends to condition us that only one body type is acceptable.
> 
> And just keep on loving her, accepting her, nurturing her. It is very stabilizing.


My thoughts exactly.

OP, 
It is quite admirable that you still appreciate your wife's body for what has given you and what it is.

Just keep giving her positive affirmations and your genuine love every time she gets that relapse.

Life and childbearing really does hit a woman hard . It causes physical changes in her body that society doesn't look on as desirable or sexy.

But a good husband understand that these things are relative and his attraction isn't based solely on looking at his wife and mother of his kids and comparing her with another woman who hasn't walked in her shoes.

His love and attraction to her is based on something deeper and more enduring.


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## Racer

Well, it’s often the little things… the touches, the looks, etc. Sometimes though the grander gestures can work. I “ambushed” my wife one day. $800 in cash and took her to one of those pedestrian friendly malls that have little bistro’s, some department stores, specialty clothes places, etc. Started with lunch, and some ‘beverages’ to loosen her up. Then set the ‘rules’. She needed clothes, I held the money and she had to treat me like a sugar daddy (she earns more than I do btw). 

So, she could pick whatever she wanted, but she had to model it for me. If I liked it, I’d cat call and be rather “improper” (remember public setting). My reward was always her smile when I’d drool over her. We’d pop in an out of bars, hit little boutiques, and just enjoyed each other. She enjoyed that day thoroughly and it did wonders for her moral about how she looks and how I see her.


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## calamityjim

jld said:


> One thing that is helpful is to show her things online or in print that say that different men like different body types. That was a new idea to me, reading TAM, or at least one I had not heard for a while. Reading it repeatedly here has been enlightening. The fashion industry tends to condition us that only one body type is acceptable.


Actually, taking it a step further, she went through a sexual enlightenment several years ago and started an anonymous tumblr where she would post nudes.* She got tons of positive feedback. She somehow still thinks we all just have "bad taste." Also, I feel like I may have made a bigger deal about it than it actually is. I was mostly just looking for some magic phrase someone may have in their back pocket. Obviously that doesn't exist.

* For those with infidelity fears, I have the password and can check messages anytime I want. Also, I trust her completely. It was mostly a way for her to explore her own sexuality through what I like to think of as roleplay. She assumed the character of the account and would adjust her behavior accordingly.


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## DoF

As other have said, keep it up OP.

Time will come when your wife will accept what you are telling her and care about that more than her own or societies opinion.


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## capstone4019

calamityjim said:


> When I met my wife, she was a recovering anorexic. So she's abviously always suffered from body image issues.
> 
> After 3 kids and ump-teen years, I tell her that I love her. I tell her how gorgeous she is every day. She doesn't believe me. "How can you think this long face, thin hair, empty/saggy/st retch-marked boobs, lumpy tummy, and cellulited butt/thighs is gorgeous?"
> 
> "Because it's _you_, those things make you _you_, and I therefore love them."
> 
> And I'm 100% genuine. Maybe love clouds my vision, but I see all those things and love them. Is there anything more I can do to convince her? Surely this is common, any veteran advice? What about for the future, as she feels like her attractiveness is fading by the day?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good chance the root causes of her anorexia are still present, which means it does not matter what you say to her, it's what she says to herself. Has she gotten help with the root cause?


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