# My partner lied about his past love life



## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

Hello everyone! I'm together with my husband for over 2 years now and a few months ago he confessed about a lie he told me. He lied about his past love life. When we started dating he told me some stories about his ex-girlfriends, stories that were enough detailed. Now, what I know about his past is that he never had someone before me so I was the first. The reason behind this lie, he says, was his insecurity and fear of nobody can like him and in this case me because he was interested to have something serious with me, and he was scared that I may not like him so he made up a story to impress and seem more normal. I have to mention that he was 30 years old when me met. Now my mind is very troubled, I want to pass over, to forgive and believe him but I can't. I have resents towards him and I'm terrified by the thought that I can never know which is the truth. It is important to me, I don't want to live in uncertainty, I want to know who is the person I am with, the man with a past or without. 
Did anyone here experience something similar or can give me any advice? Anything is welcomed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Female version of Retroactive Jealousy. She’s retroactively jealous of his.......virginity!?

Actually her concern is real. One of women’s greatest fears is that a man is not as strong and courageous and squared away as what he presents himself to be. 

A man fears a wh0re in a Madonna’s clothing, where as a woman fears a pauper in a prince’s clothing. 

He presented himself as something he was not. He presented himself as a normal 30 year old that had some relationship experience and presented himself as a man that other women had found desirable and acceptable. 

Now it turns out he had no such preselection or social proof. She thought he had some established market value, but now finds out this is his initial stock offering. 

Is he going to be the next Walmart, Apple, Microsoft or Amazon?

Or will he go defunct before paying any dividends or garnering any capital gains before his value plummets to zero?

Women don’t like such uncertainty.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

were you a virgins if I UNDER STAND he did what people say many do they brag about all the women they were with 
it is often said that men are expected to be studs or woman don't want them 
it is said has something to do with women are pulled more to men that other women want 
and no woman wants someone that no other woman wants 
he was building himself up to be a stud , living up to what most people expect a 30 year man to have had some relationship experience 

the truth is you have the man that you fell in love with ok he might have wanted to add to his experiences to live up to something you told him about your life some here think it is a right to know 
every thing about the other person before you get into a relationship with them 
but the truth is often it is best not know every thing as most men can not handle the truth it is why most women take away from their number 
because while a man is looked on as been better if he was some type of stud a woman would be **** shamed 

NOT A BIG DEAL BE HAPPY WITH THE MAN HE IS NOT HIS PAST ? AND IN THIS CASE HE PAST IS HE HAD ON PAST


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Actually what she's struggling with is the same emotion that RJ suffers struggle with: trust. It's clear that his lack of sexual experience is not something she has to get over, like a partner's prior sexual relationship, but she does have an issue with trust. 

Considering that you, in some ways, got a diamond instead of a pearl, I'd suggest that you do the best you can to work through the loss of trust. That is, trust can be rebuilt over time, and it's usually worth the effort to do it. 

At the risk of sounding like I'm minimizing the pain you're feeling, which I'm not, consider giving the guy a break. He just wanted to be normal. Everyone of us has told a lie in the past. 

Out of curiosity, have you ever told him a lie? "I have a headache, so no sex tonight." "My mother really likes you." Faked orgasm. Think about it a little before you decide. For me, this hill would not be one to die on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You must have been a virgin yourself because you obviously didn't know the difference. Did you want a man with street cred (for lack of a better term)? 

You can concentrate on the falsehood or you can appreciate being the only one and know that he isn't and won't be comparing you to his past conquests.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One thing to bring up about this guy -- can you imagine how embarrassed he was that he had NEVER had sex before he was 30? You can sort of understand why he would try to cover that up. BUT he now has realized that it wasn't fair to you, and he is now at a place where he can be vulnerable with you and tell you his secret.

I understand how you think you can't trust him anymore, but HE told you --- that had to be a big step for him to trust you like that. Just think about it -- I know you are hurt that he did this, but there actually IS a positive side to this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think you can trust what he is telling you now. Being a virgin at his age was an embarrassment to him. He didn't feel like a man but he liked you so much that he wanted you to respect him so he lied. Lying is never good but here it's somewhat understandable. The male ego is a very fragile thing. 

Now that you have been married awhile & he feels like your sex life is good, he trusts you. Now in the safe space of your marriage he came clean & told you what for him was a humiliating truth because he didn't want secrets between you.

The other way around causes more problems -- when one spouse says they were a virgin & they weren't

Instead of getting mad or upset be grateful that he trusts you with this deep dark secret. Reassure him that he's a good lover & good husband now which is all that matters. If you punish him for telling the truth now that will damage your marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sfort said:


> It's clear that his lack of sexual experience is not something she has to get over, like a partner's prior sexual relationship, but she does have an issue with trust.
> 
> Considering that you, in some ways, got a diamond instead of a pearl, I'd suggest that you do the best you can to work through the loss of trust. That is, trust can be rebuilt over time, and it's usually worth the effort to do it.


You say that you aren’t minimizing her upset, but in reality you are. 

You are looking at this from the male perspective and taking the assumption that a Virgin is a “diamond” and thusly “better” than someone with prior sexual experience.

Men’s concerns and priorities and threats are different from women’s.

A man’s biggest existential threat in a relationship is of being cuckolded and by association of being presented that his partner is virtuous but later finding out she was the town bicycle. 

A woman’s biggest threat is being sold a bill of goods that a man is strong, competent and confident and of high status and social proof, but then finding out he is a dud and a fraud and is in fact weak and incompetent. 

So her concern and upset is the counterpart and of the same significance to her as it is the man who thought his wife was virginal/low count and then found out she screwed half the football team in college.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> I think you can trust what he is telling you now. Being a virgin at his age was an embarrassment to him. He didn't feel like a man but he liked you so much that he wanted you to resect him so he lied. Lying is never good but here it's somewhat understandable. The male ego is a very fragile thing.
> 
> Now that you have been married awhile & he feels like your sex life is good, he trusts you. Now in the safe space of your marriage he came clean & told you what for him was a humiliating truth because he didn't want secrets between you.
> 
> ...


See my post # 8 above. 

You too are presenting this from the male perspective of all being well since he was a Virgin so no cause for concern. 

Would you tell some of these RJ men - “being a $lu+ was embarrassing to her and she didn’t feel like a worthy woman but she like you so much and wanted your respect so she lied about screwing every fraternity on campus.” 

When you say, “ the other way around is worse and causes more problems” ....... that is for a MAN. 

For a woman what is worse is thinking a man is strong and competent and of social status and desirability and then finding out he isn’t. 

She was sold a bill of goods that this guy had had relationships and was found desirable and acceptable by other women ( preselection and social proof are very powerful components of female partner selection) and after marriage found out he wasn’t. 

This to a woman is as significant and unsettling as finding out a wife had way more partners to a man. 

You’re minimizing and dismissing her upset based on what would upset a man. 

You have to look at it from the female perspective. A woman will be more upset finding out what she thought was a stud, was in fact a dud more than she would finding what she thought was a nerd was actually a stud.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not really seeing any different then when someone lies about their count to minimize it. Many partners or none, the point is the physical relationship is now built on a lie and under false pretenses. You have every right to be upset and see this as a red flag. 

Whatever you do, don't let anyone tell you, you are wrong for how you feel. Good relationships are built on openness and honesty. You have every right to expect that.

What you know of your guy now is, that when it's difficult, he will lie because he doesn't have the courage to tell you the truth, this is a red flag. I think this is what needs to be discussed and you need to decide if it's too much for you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@oldshirt 

She wasn't sold a bill of goods. The virginity thing can have implications about morals & religious beliefs. If a one partner waited & wanted a spouse who also waited because they wanted to make sure they were both each other's only partner, that would have deeper ramifications than the social pressure to be macho / manly / have a high count. 

If her husband wasn't pleasing her because he didn't know how to perform in the bedroom that would different & your point about being sold a bill of goods would be more on target. She's not concerned about his prowess & is not complaining about their sex life or his performance. Plus like many things, good sex is a skill which can be learned. 

@K_reyna seems to focus on honesty & truthfulness. Because her husband changed his story, initially saying he had GFs & now admitting that he's a virgin, she resents the lie. I don't hear her saying that she's upset that he was a virgin. I hear her saying that she resents the fact that he lied. Hence my answer is that she can trust the new revelation to be the truth; people don't generally lie to make themselves look worse so I have some trust in the disclosure. If I am mistaken & she cares about his performance in the bedroom there are remedies for that which involve communication: touch me here; please go faster / slower etc.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> @oldshirt
> 
> She wasn't sold a bill of goods. The virginity thing can have implications about morals & religious beliefs. If a one partner waited & wanted a spouse who also waited because they wanted to make sure they were both each other's only partner, that would have deeper ramifications than the social pressure to be macho / manly / have a high count.
> 
> ...


You are correct that it is largely about the dishonesty and deception and I also did not get the impression she had an issue with his sexual performance. 

My point is that to HER, she is more upset that he was portraying himself as more masculine and more competent than what he was and that to a woman, that is more concerning than an actual notch count.

You do not believe he is a bad bill of goods because you are looking at it from the male point of view and see it as no big deal.

But on a deep instinctual level, she IS questioning whether she was sold a bad bill of goods because here is a 30 year old man that no other woman would have. She is wondering what they knew about him and what problems they saw with him that she didn’t. 

Yes , it is about the dishonesty. But the perspective and rational behind her concerns are completely different than the concerns a man would have.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> ...she is more upset that he was portraying himself as more masculine and more competent than what he...


If that bothers her as much as you suggest, she is going to have some very serious relationship issues going forward. Whoever heard of a man embellishing his sexual prowess?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sfort said:


> If that bothers her as much as you suggest, she is going to have some very serious relationship issues going forward. Whoever heard of a man embellishing his sexual prowess?


Ha ha correct.

But just like there is a difference between a woman that said she had a few boyfriends through high and college and then find out she screwed half the lacrosse team and the entire Delta House - there is a difference between a guy that portrayed himself as a bit of a party animal and then find out he actually only had actual sex with a few steady girlfriends vs a guy who claims he had girlfriends and sexual relationships and then find out he was an InCel.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> ... I'm terrified by the thought that I can never know which is the truth. It is important to me, I don't want to live in uncertainty, I want to know who is the person I am with, the man with a past or without.


This ^ is the only thing she's expressed any anxiety about so far. 

Ie, that there are two versions of her husband, and she doesn't know which is her 'real' one.

She has not indicated a preference. 

I would venture to guess #2, the virgin version is his truth, as there would be little reason to fabricate such a story later, knowing it would make him look bad, become a liar in her eyes, etc.

It seems the virgin version has zero benefits for him, her, or the relationship, so it was most likely long standing guilt that made him confess the truth.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

K_reyna said:


> Hello everyone! I'm together with my husband for over 2 years now and a few months ago he confessed about a lie he told me. He lied about his past love life. When we started dating he told me some stories about his ex-girlfriends, stories that were enough detailed. Now, what I know about his past is that he never had someone before me so I was the first. The reason behind this lie, he says, was his insecurity and fear of nobody can like him and in this case me because he was interested to have something serious with me, and he was scared that I may not like him so he made up a story to impress and seem more normal. I have to mention that he was 30 years old when me met. Now my mind is very troubled, I want to pass over, to forgive and believe him but I can't. I have resents towards him and I'm terrified by the thought that I can never know which is the truth. It is important to me, I don't want to live in uncertainty, I want to know who is the person I am with, the man with a past or without.
> Did anyone here experience something similar or can give me any advice? Anything is welcomed.


What @jlg07 said. All of it. He reached a point in your relationship where he thought that he could be vulnerable and come clean. He confessed to his lie, thinking that you won't judge him. Yes, it hurts to know that a loved one lied, but think of it this way: he didn't have to confess as you never suspected that he was lying. He confessed just to clear his conscience and feel closer to you. He didn't confess because he was forced to for some external reason. I'd see this as a love confession.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You couldn't pay me to marry a 30-year-old virgin, but each to their own. The lying is the worst thing, mainly since he says he did it so you'd be serious about him. If he had simply not ever said he was a virgin, no crime there, no red flags, and normal. But nope, he knew you wanted a virgin and lied to you about it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

At least he didn't like about something really, really bad, like he's a multimillionaire or something. That would really be grounds for a divorce. Who wants a husband with all that money?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> Did anyone here experience something similar or can give me any advice? Anything is welcomed.


Depends on what the lie was. Not much to go on here.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Ah, never mind. Missed that part that he never had anyone before you.

He likely was embarrassed, or figured you didn't want anyone that hasn't had the same experience as you. Not sure why this would make you not want to trust him. Yes, he lied, but it wasn't like he said he was still in contact with his X's or anything like that.

To me, this isn't something that should cause alot of grief. Is his inexperience causing inadequacies in your sex life? I'm thinking that maybe the lie isn't the problem here, but his sexual status when you met is. Can you tell us exactly what the problem is?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Are there white lies and black lies, or are there just lies? Wife: "Does this dress make my butt look fat?" Husband: "Well, yes, it actually does." Husband: "Hey, are you ready for me?" Wife: "No, not really." And I could go on. Kids: "What were you and Daddy doing? It sounds like you were wrestling." Mom: "Oh, we were moving the furniture around. Nothing to worry about." 

Sometimes white lies may be better than the truth. Each of us is free to decide.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You couldn't pay me to marry a 30-year-old virgin, but each to their own. The lying is the worst thing, mainly since he says he did it so you'd be serious about him. If he had simply not ever said he was a virgin, no crime there, no red flags, and normal. But nope, he knew you wanted a virgin and lied to you about it.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You couldn't pay me to marry a 30-year-old virgin, but each to their own. The lying is the worst thing, mainly since he says he did it so you'd be serious about him. If he had simply not ever said he was a virgin, no crime there, no red flags, and normal. But nope, he knew you wanted a virgin and lied to you about it.


You mean, you think the first version is the truth?


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

coquille said:


> What @jlg07 said. All of it. He reached a point in your relationship where he thought that he could be vulnerable and come clean. He confessed to his lie, thinking that you won't judge him. Yes, it hurts to know that a loved one lied, but think of it this way: he didn't have to confess as you never suspected that he was lying. He confessed just to clear his conscience and feel closer to you. He didn't confess because he was forced to for some external reason. I'd see this as a love confession.


This is what makes it more confusing actually. I was very jealous on his past love life ( the story he told me at that time) and I'm wondering if he may have said it's a lie in an attempt to escape from my jealousy.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Ah, never mind. Missed that part that he never had anyone before you.
> 
> He likely was embarrassed, or figured you didn't want anyone that hasn't had the same experience as you. Not sure why this would make you not want to trust him. Yes, he lied, but it wasn't like he said he was still in contact with his X's or anything like that.
> 
> To me, this isn't something that should cause alot of grief. Is his inexperience causing inadequacies in your sex life? I'm thinking that maybe the lie isn't the problem here, but his sexual status when you met is. Can you tell us exactly what the problem is?


Well, to be more exact about this issue, as someone mentioned above, I experience some retroactive jealousy feelings and I was struggling a lot to accept the fact that I wasn't his first ( since at first he said I wasn't). So, I'm thinking that he may have said it was a lie just to escape from my jealousy. I'm dealing with anxiety every day, and he knows that I can find something to worry about whatever he says, given that now that he said he was a virgin, I cannot stop looking for reassurance, so when I asked him if that's what he did or not, he said no because he knows it's not gonna stop anyway. He knew that, so that's why it makes sense that he wouldn't lie just to escape. Anxiety makes life difficult, but I know my feelings are not so wrong, after all we all want honesty. I have resentments toward this lie, and for all the stories I heard about other girls, when what I wanted was to feel desired by him. 
And now to answer your other question, yes there is a bit of a problem with our sex life as I have a much higher sex drive , and for him it's hard to keep it up with me. But on the other hand , I can feel that strong bond that it's creating between us. Also, when we had our first time, he was super nervous, and before he said it was because it passed long time since he didn't do it, but what I know now it's that was his first time. It's confusing.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

K_reyna said:


> Well, to be more exact about this issue, as someone mentioned above, I experience some retroactive jealousy feelings and I was struggling a lot to accept the fact that I wasn't his first ( since at first he said I wasn't). So, I'm thinking that he may have said it was a lie just to escape from my jealousy. I'm dealing with anxiety every day, and he knows that I can find something to worry about whatever he says, given that now that he said he was a virgin, I cannot stop looking for reassurance, so when I asked him if that's what he did or not, he said no because he knows it's not gonna stop anyway. He knew that, so that's why it makes sense that he wouldn't lie just to escape. Anxiety makes life difficult, but I know my feelings are not so wrong, after all we all want honesty. I have resentments toward this lie, and for all the stories I heard about other girls, when what I wanted was to feel desired by him.
> And now to answer your other question, yes there is a bit of a problem with our sex life as I have a much higher sex drive , and for him it's hard to keep it up with me. But on the other hand , I can feel that strong bond that it's creating between us. Also, when we had our first time, he was super nervous, and before he said it was because it passed long time since he didn't do it, but what I know now it's that was his first time. It's confusing.


So your issue currently is that you worry he may be changing the "truth" to fit the situation? That can be a severe character flaw but, before you go heavily down that road, be darned sure you don't do the same yourself. 

Both of you need to have a conversation about boundaries. Boundaries aren't just about keeping sex within the marriage. Boundaries include the degree of honesty required by both parties, how much has to be known, and sticking to what has been agreed upon. 

This thread started out in one direction (was he really a virgin?) and has since gone in another, in which virginity isn't really an issue but rather truthfulness.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> This is what makes it more confusing actually. I was very jealous on his past love life ( the story he told me at that time) and I'm wondering if he may have said it's a lie in an attempt to escape from my jealousy.


If you constantly went on & on about his past love life, I suppose it is possible that he switched his story to stop having to listen to your concerns. 

Still lying is problematic & now you have trust problems.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

OP, why would you be jealous? From what I'm gathering, the truth is that he was NOT with anyone in the biblical sense before you. Hence: "Now, what I know about his past is that he never had someone before me so I was the first." and then describing that he made up a story that he had been with others to "impress".

So if I'm understanding, he originally lied and said he was with other women so you didn't think he was inexperienced, but the truth is that he was not. So I'm not understanding the jealousy part.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

drencrom said:


> OP, why would you be jealous? From what I'm gathering, the truth is that he was NOT with anyone in the biblical sense before you. Hence: "Now, what I know about his past is that he never had someone before me so I was the first." and then describing that he made up a story that he had been with others to "impress".
> 
> So if I'm understanding, he originally lied and said he was with other women so you didn't think he was inexperienced, but the truth is that he was not. So I'm not understanding the jealousy part.


He originally painted a picture of himself as a man about town who had lots of women The OP was jealous that he'd had so many past lovers. She didn't like his high count & apparently brought it up even after they were married.

Her husband is now saying "what I told you before about how many past GFs / lovers I had was a lie. There is nothing to be jealous about because you are the only one."

She doesn't know if he was lying then or is lying now but obviously both can't be true. 

Initially I thought the 2nd statement had to be true because people don't usually lie to make themselves look worse (inexperienced / clueless) but once she admitted that she was jealous of his numbers, it does become equally plausible that he made up the lie about her being the only one to reassure her because she was triggered by his colorful past.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> He originally painted a picture of himself as a man about town who had lots of women The OP was jealous that he'd had so many past lovers. She didn't like his high count & apparently brought it up even after they were married.
> 
> Her husband is now saying "what I told you before about how many past GFs / lovers I had was a lie. There is nothing to be jealous about because you are the only one."
> 
> ...


This sums up the situation very clearly.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

Yes, that's the situation. It is literally destroying me and I got into a mental state of rumination and I just can't pass over. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do from now on, and I can never get a proof. To be honest, I received confirmation from his best friend but I'm kind of suspicious cuz I still can't know, he may have told his pal what to tell me, anything is possible. I love this man and other than this issue he's doing a nice job as a husband, and always show me love in the ways he can, which I'm grateful of. Now I take into consideration for a future possibility, to separate. For me it's a daily mental fight and I don't know how long I can take it anymore. Separating from him is for sure a painful thought, but accepting that I can never know the truth is also painful.
I'm not saying that only what he did was bad, I know my jealousy was bothering for him too and still is.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You need to consider what any future relationship might look like as well. You can never be certain that someone is telling you the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth. Will you have to live the rest of your life on your own? You have no idea when such thoughts might come over you. I would suggest going all-in on your current relationship before giving up or else you could be in a repeating pattern. Forever.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> Well, to be more exact about this issue, as someone mentioned above, I experience some retroactive jealousy feelings and I was struggling a lot to accept the fact that I wasn't his first


Was he your first?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> Yes, that's the situation. It is literally destroying me and I got into a mental state of rumination and I just can't pass over. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do from now on, and I can never get a proof. To be honest, I received confirmation from his best friend but I'm kind of suspicious cuz I still can't know, he may have told his pal what to tell me, anything is possible. I love this man and other than this issue he's doing a nice job as a husband, and always show me love in the ways he can, which I'm grateful of. Now I take into consideration for a future possibility, to separate. For me it's a daily mental fight and I don't know how long I can take it anymore. Separating from him is for sure a painful thought, but accepting that I can never know the truth is also painful.
> I'm not saying that only what he did was bad, I know my jealousy was bothering for him too and still is.


Do you understand that you & your jealousy are the bigger problem? I am not excusing his lying but think about your role in this.

He married you. He's a good husband yet you remain focused on ancient history. At this point how many past GFs/lovers he may have had is completely irrelevant. The "truth" about his past doesn't matter (as long as he didn't give you an STD or have half a dozen kids out there with multiple women who he now -- surprise -- has to support) Your unhealthy obsession about it is making you crazy, has turned him into a liar & now it's destroying your marriage. Learn to focus on what is actually important: how he behaves toward you & inside your marriage. 

Whether he had zero experience or was the town Lothario he gave that all up to marry you, the woman he loves. Celebrate your victory in landing this good man as your life partner, & stop poisoning your marriage.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Do you understand that you & your jealousy are the bigger problem? I am not excusing his lying but think about your role in this.


OP, have you considered that your obsession over this may have cornered your husband?

(I don't mean obsession in a clinical or judgemental way, I certainly understand your deep concern about lying generally.)

Consider he may have gotten trapped in a no-win situation here, and was trying desperately to fix it, although in a ham-handed way. If so, you need to look at this from a fresh perspective; perhaps he's trying to console you to make your marriage stronger, all while you're spinning and thinking about unraveling it. If so, that would be tragic.

His actions were wrong, but you really need to find out his - intentions -. If his intentions were noble, you'll need to figure out a way to forgive the mistake in how he handled it and concentrate on building this vs. destroying a self-described great marriage.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Was he your first?


I'm wondering if this question scared her off.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

drencrom said:


> I'm wondering if this question scared her off.


It didn't scare me. Yes, he was my first too.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

@K_reyna any updates?


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> @K_reyna any updates?


Well not really. I just keep obsessing over it and wishing that someday I'll find peace of mind. Also, I'm thinking how would a break up be, because maybe that's the only way out of this situation, I mean, I really wanna escape from this mind torture. For me is really a big deal. I understand his position in this situation, he had to stand my jealousy which was not so small, and I'm sure it was and is hard for him too. I don't know what I'll do though..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You do understand that you will have this problem with every man in the future, don't you? And, if you do manage to find a virgin at your age, then you may be subject yourself to that guy having retroactive jealousy feelings which will not be fun for you as it wasn't fun for your husband. 

You need to change your perspective. You are deliberately making yourself miserable with your obsessing. Good luck.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You do understand that you will have this problem with every man in the future, don't you? And, if you do manage to find a virgin at your age, then you may be subject yourself to that guy having retroactive jealousy feelings which will not be fun for you as it wasn't fun for your husband.
> 
> You need to change your perspective. You are deliberately making yourself miserable with your obsessing. Good luck.


She already has herself a virgin. She is upset that he lied and said he had prior GFs and sexual relationships when it turns out that at 30 he was still a virgin. Unless he is a total idiot or terrible in bed I think she for herself a diamond and seems to want to throw it away.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Apparently, she doesn't know which version to believe.


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## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Apparently, she doesn't know which version to believe.


Exactly


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Apparently, she doesn't know which version to believe.


Ah, I see now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a bit weird, because everybody here is siding with the man, despite having lied to her partner. In another thread, where the woman revealed she was "slutty" before the marriage but she didn't tell her husband because it wasn't important to her - and then he found out - she was a big liar and she got crucified. A lie is a lie, isnt'it? There is a whole thread about this too. I don't get the double standards here.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It's a bit weird, because everybody here is siding with the man, despite having lied to her partner. In another thread, where the woman revealed she was "slutty" before the marriage but she didn't tell her husband because it wasn't important to her - and then he found out - she was a big liar and she got crucified. A lie is a lie, isnt'it? There is a whole thread about this too. I don't get the double standards here.


Very good point. I would a lot of us are influenced by what the lie was about. Is it as black and white as a lie is a lie or is it on a sliding scale?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So you say you were jealous of his past but he was still able to close the deal with you based on a combination of things which included his made up sexual past. I think if you searched yourself deeply, you’ll realize that even though you felt jealous of his past, that it also attracted you to him. I suspect that if he were a real virgin, you would not allowed him to have you.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

You could get him to take a polygraph of you want the truth


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Very good point. I would a lot of us are influenced by what the lie was about. Is it as black and white as a lie is a lie or is it on a sliding scale?


It's still a lie, but I'm not totally inflexible on this like other people. There are reasons why you lie and some reason are better/worse than others. To me, this "lie" is a non event. But obviously, that doesn't matter to the OP. What matters is that her partner "lied" to her.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It's still a lie, but I'm not totally inflexible on this like other people. There are reasons why you lie and some reason are better/worse than others. To me, this "lie" is a non event. But obviously, that doesn't matter to the OP. What matters is that her partner "lied" to her.


Yes. 

And a previous post mentioned a polygraph. A polygraph result will not change that, as all it would provide is insight into which lie she will be facing, right? 

Until OP determines why H said what he said, and decides if she can empathize with that reason or not, I see no resolution.

Unless the polygraph question was 'did you lie to me in order to....' But I don't know if they work like that, zero experience on my side.


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