# Back to work after kids are older



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Latest gem of wisdom from my dear wife...

"Once the kids are older I'm not going back to work full-time, I'm going to stay part-time. After looking after the kids, I think I deserve some time to myself- days at the spa, etc." 

WTF. So I tell you what then I'll keep working and you spend it. When exactly do I get "time to myself".

Really winds me up. Yeh childcare ain't easy but I don't go to work all day for fun. Sometimes I think its easier to be a layabout - you don't get treated any worse...

Anyone else agree?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detach and separate. If someone does not treat you with respect, then you let them go. Why waste years in misery.

And if you cannot get the relationship on track, you move on. Simple, but hard to pull off due to so many ways you are entangled with her.

But in the end, you have yourself to live for and not someone else.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

How much water does she absorb when you immerse her in a bucket?


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

True - thanks both. Im betting I aint the first guy to come across this though....

Trouble is shes got a long term illness as well. Its tough for her at the moment - I get that. She works part-time, looks after the kids mostly, and she is ill. The other thing - in terms of income, I earn probably 4-5 times what she could (Even if she works ft) so her wage is just like an extra chunk....

But when she said that...... 

Thing is she might be ill as well during that time so I look the bad one if I do force it. Oh well we'll see....

Shes got a friend. No kids. Recently gave up work. Husband allowed it even though they were short of cash. I thought this was REALLY TAKING THE PISS. I wonder if this influenced her lol.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The point is that she should talk things over before making a unilateral decision.

I would be understanding due to the illness. Even so, it disregards you as a partner and if her friend is influencing her in the negative, then either the friend goes or you go.

We are heavily influenced by the intimate relationships we have. Just like she would not want you around a drug dealer, same thing. Those people will cause instability in others life and should be kept at an arm's distance or removed completely.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> The point is that she should talk things over before making a unilateral decision.
> 
> I would be understanding due to the illness. Even so, it disregards you as a partner and if her friend is influencing her in the negative, then either the friend goes or you go.
> 
> We are heavily influenced by the intimate relationships we have. Just like she would not want you around a drug dealer, same thing. Those people will cause instability in others life and should be kept at an arm's distance or removed completely.


I agree. This is all "just an idea" in her head at the moment but its scary how her head works sometimes....

Our daugher is just 2 so theres many years yet. And shes just gone back to work part-time after 2 years off ill...

Wait and see I guess. Its just irritates me that she thinks like this sometimes....


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Latest gem of wisdom from my dear wife...
> 
> "Once the kids are older I'm not going back to work full-time, I'm going to stay part-time. After looking after the kids, I think I deserve some time to myself- days at the spa, etc."
> 
> ...



In a traditional sense, if she wants to stay home, that's OK by me. I believe a man should be ready to act as chief breadwinner, and be accorded the consideration that deserves. As far as days at the spa, that's kinda entitlement thinking unless you have a pretty hefty income.

There is a lot of talk about equality these days. Yet there seem to be varying interpretations of what it really is. Would it be equality if you held the same views, and had golf days while she worked? Each partner should view their days as a contribution to the family. You work, that's contributing. If she's raising kids, that's contributing. 

I have nothing against the occasional spa-thing, shopping, etc as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on the family financial picture. Would this?

BTW, this could get un-pretty directly, so gird your loins. More of that equality.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> I agree. This is all "just an idea" in her head at the moment but its scary how her head works sometimes....
> 
> Our daugher is just 2 so theres many years yet. And shes just gone back to work part-time after 2 years off ill...
> 
> Wait and see I guess. Its just irritates me that she thinks like this sometimes....



I would nip this early, it has a potential to exacerbate as time progresses. The more her friend influences her, the more it may be ingrained into her behavior and beliefs.

I suggest you communicate and if that fails couples counseling.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It would be best for your child if she didn't work at all now so your daughter won't have to go to daycare and then part time when she is in school so she can be there for her before and after school. Can't you just live on your salary, or don't you make enough money? I'm not sure why you are upset, being a Mom is a 24 hour job so it's not like she is spending her time at the beach.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I would nip this early, it has a potential to exacerbate as time progresses. The more her friend influences her, the more it may be ingrained into her behavior and beliefs.
> 
> I suggest you communicate and if that fails couples counseling.


How good is your relationship otherwise? If it is great in ALL ways, then this is still an issue, but probably not a major problem. She doesn't "deserve" time off more than you do, and what happens if you take a part-time or less demanding job? If you are *not* BOTH very satisfied with the relationship, then it may eventually end, and it will be her who is most likely to end it. The less she works and the longer the marriage, the more she benefits in possible spousal support (amount and duration) and child support.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

My wife has been a stay at home mom for 14 years now. She's had 12 hour a week part time jobs along the way but that's about it. Now that the kids are in middle & high school we agreed that she should return to work full time. She made it a month at a decent 9-5 job but couldn't get the hang of the software system they used. Now she's working PT for $9 an hour. She really doesn't want to work. She told me the other day that a couple of her friends quit their PT jobs because "it wasn't worth it". She keeps telling me to "give myself a raise" because I own my own business. Sorry honey it doesn't work that way. I feel your pain.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I wouldn't worry so much about something that is 16 years down the road (your child is only 2). A lot can change in that long amount of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

16 years?!? The child will be in school in about 4 years. That's not far off. My expectations may be different, of course, but that's the milestone I think of when discussing this issue.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Latest gem of wisdom from my dear wife...
> 
> "Once the kids are older I'm not going back to work full-time, I'm going to stay part-time. After looking after the kids, I think I deserve some time to myself- days at the spa, etc."


See if this had been my husband, he would have joked about it. Hell YAH! I am going to quit my job then too and go golfing.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My personal experience with a SAHM has been bad. My wife had all the options thanks to me, and she turned out to be ungrateful and insulting. She has just gotten back to work for a year and thinks that she has figured out everything and gives me advice on career management. I have been working for 15+ years.

If I had to go back and change something, it was to let my wife be a SAHM. I paid $25k for her Masters, it's her duty to go make use of it and help out. Yes, I can understand her taking off for some time or so when our kids were born but not 11 years. That is just laziness and lethargy. Kids don't need the mother as much after a point, but SAHMs have nothing else going for them so they end up suffocating their children with their control freak attitude. My son is 10 and my wife tells him what to do, what to play, to go out etc etc. He is a kid but showing signs of rebelling, and one day he will get up and tell him mom to shut up. That will be the day when all her carefully crafted plans shatter. I am staying out of this, as no amount of me telling her to lay off is helping. Life has to slap you on the face to teach you.

Disclaimer: What I say above is my personal experience. I know that not all SAHMs are crazy like my wife.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> 16 years?!? The child will be in school in about 4 years.


:scratchhead: 

I guess I'm confused. I thought he meant she would be a SAHM until the child left for college. Haven't had my morning coffee...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> How much water does she absorb when you immerse her in a bucket?


HAHAHA - I see what you did there


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Apart from her unilateral decision, I don't see a problem with what she said.

If she's talking about when the kids go to grade school, then who will pick them up and watch them after school? Not a mother that works full time. If it's when they are off to college, there are still things to do around the house (shopping, laundry, etc...), not to mention being a grandmother if/when that happens.

Unless this is just another unilateral decision or there are other issues in your marriage, I think you're making too much out of this.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> See if this had been my husband, he would have joked about it. Hell YAH! I am going to quit my job then too and go golfing.


LOL Yeh I did say that!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Apart from her unilateral decision, *I don't see a problem with what she said.*
> 
> If she's talking about when the kids go to grade school, then who will pick them up and watch them after school? Not a mother that works full time. If it's when they are off to college, there are still things to do around the house (shopping, laundry, etc...), not to mention being a grandmother if/when that happens.
> 
> Unless this is just another unilateral decision or there are other issues in your marriage, I think you're making too much out of this.


I do. Words matter. There was nothing but entitlement, selfishness, and covert disregard for what her husband provides in what she said.


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