# The Inlaws - An issue most of us know too well!



## bellalinda (Apr 17, 2013)

We would all like to get along with our inlaws, really we would, I believe it would make our lives sooooo much easier. Though it just seems that they are out to get us, all the time... and for me, it will be a life long mystery as to why?

Ladies, the least we can do is support each other as DIL's united in this thread, raising our concerns, and providing each-other with some friendly advice. 

I'll start... :rant::rant::rant::smthumbup:

Start of my story: 

Hubby and I originally lived with in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL & BIL's) not our plan originally, though put on us last minute before marriage as they 'needed' hubby to continue to help pay for the house and bills (they work, are still young and are capable... but whatever, cry poor...), so with this being the case, hubby and I could not move out on our own, because supporting them, meant we could not fully support ourselves. 

It happened to be that hubby found this really straining to his pocket, as as a newly wed couple we were not able to save any money in this situation, let alone go out to dinner and a movie as often as we would like. His work wasn't paying that well either, and he found an opportunity that would double his income in another country, so after alot of difficulty (with the inlaws) we finally moved. Horray! :smthumbup: You should of seen how easily inlaws did paying the bills without us. Though for the luxuries... i.e. pay tv, unlimited internet etc, that they all 'neeed', you should of seen how quickly and nicely one of the BIL's got a job after that, the others unfortunately still laze around at home and are in their late 20's. Yet, of-course, my DH does not see any of this, and views it as completely innocent on their behalf. 

ISSUES: 

*Crying inlaws, on the phone everyday whinging, crying on cam and on the phone at-least once a week - "oh we cant live without you our son, oh how could u do this to us, oh we shouldnt of moved away from our own parents for a better life, now we know how it feels and we are sooo upset!" - really bothers me especially because it bothers DH who then is angry all evening and snaps at me, and ruins our evening.

*Day before we moved out, inlaws 'sat-me-down' and told me how they don't think I tried enough getting to know them. - Ummmmm Wat in the...  I helped support them financially, and even cooked them dinner, and did the house chores, after work, whilst raising my children and never fought with them, even when they provoked me, daily - What more did you want?

**Controlling FI & MI, get involved in everything we do, wanting to know how much we earn, tell me how I should raise my kids and AWLAYS 'warn' me that I better be looking after their son and grandchildren - ???????????? Excuse me! You mean, my husband, and my children - you do not have to tell me to look after them! 

***FIL, MIL, BIL's and SIL are apposed to the fact that we have religious beliefs, DH & I, and they are very opinionated about it, and try to teach my children otherwise - DH does not speak up, he doesn't think its important - whereas I DO! 

** They all put me down, I even have BIL's and SIL, cutting in when I speak privately about anything to my husband and telling my husband that he's the mad and to shut me up - DH laughs this off as a joke. It's not a joke... its offensive. They put me down in other-ways, stating that DH is better looking then me... picking on every word I say, correcting me grammatically with everything I say, insulting my intelligence, insulting my religious beliefs and my family, my parenting skills, my cooking... etc.

*** after everything that I have done for them, taking SIL and BIL's out and about spending on them whilst they are here on holiday, on entertainment and things they want (and expect us to buy), and they never say thank you to me. Infact it was my birthday when one of them were here, and he didnt even say happy birthday to me, until just before he went out with my brother (said in a unenthusiastic voice mind you), even though the whole household had made it clear it was my birthday all day. _ RUDE! FUMING! 

*** Now wanting to move the whole family down to where we live, another country... they have family where they live, cousins etc, and their entire family minus one son (my DH). WHY??? Especially WHY, when they expect their children to fork out the bill for the visa fees (over 100k as they want it expedited), pay their living expenses when they are here, and LIVE WITH US! OMG! - 1. they want their children to pay (meaning my DH & I as we are the only ones who have a reasonable income, that is reasonable though only enough for us mind you.) 2. my DH is considering it, and has even mentioned taking out a LOAN to make this happen, as he misses his family (fair enough) - though this is at our children's expense, any money we save, will now go to the loan, it was meant to be in their education fund, and pay for health insurance.  

**** Again, THEY CALL EVERY DAY! and when DH is not on the phone to his parents, some time after that his sister and brothers message him constantly discussing our lives, and silly things. - It bothers me, "DH, you are married now, you have a family of your own, why are you always talking to your 'other' family, and not spending enough time with your immediate family, us." - when this is mentioned to DH he cracks it, he doesn't see it like that.


QUESTION: 

After all that - If you're still reading... there is more though I Could go on and on, as I'm sure all of you can when it comes to inlaws. 

My question is, what do I do... I love DH, and he loves me, though our pact was to put each-other and our children first, always. He says it, though he doesn't act upon it, when it comes to his parents and siblings. I am very concerned, and I do not want them living with us - we made an oath before we were married, that we would not live with inlaws. We all-ready broke that once, and I made it clear it is not happening again. DH agrees, though actions speak louder then words. They are planning to move here one by one, BIL's and SIL on work visas, then to find someone and settle down and get permanent visas, then get parents down... I cannot have them living with us, any of them. 

Advice? :scratchhead:


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

bellalinda said:


> We would all like to get along with our inlaws, really we would, I believe it would make our lives sooooo much easier. Though it just seems that they are out to get us, all the time... and for me, it will be a life long mystery as to why?
> 
> *Ladies, the least we can do is support each other as DIL's united in this thread, raising our concerns, and providing each-other with some friendly advice. *
> 
> ...


I loved my ILs, we had a great relationship and even moved OS to be closer to them. My advice is to give the parents of your spouse respect and to know where the line is and do not cross it. I never put my ex in a position of having to choose me or them, I invited them for dinner weekly and encouraged their relationship with my kids.

They were not necessarily my type of people but they were good, kind, generous people. 

My ex still catches up with my dad and other family members, lots of respect there.

So not all people have bad relationships with the ILs.


----------



## bellalinda (Apr 17, 2013)

Holland said:


> I loved my ILs, we had a great relationship and even moved OS to be closer to them. My advice is to give the parents of your spouse respect and to know where the line is and do not cross it. I never put my ex in a position of having to choose me or them, I invited them for dinner weekly and encouraged their relationship with my kids.
> 
> They were not necessarily my type of people but they were good, kind, generous people.
> 
> ...


This is great, and as mentioned it would be great if all of us could have a relationship with inlaws such as yours.

Though the question is really, what do you do when you have shown nothing but respect, and you are still ill-treated by them all the time?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sorry I understand the question, just wanted to say that not all ILs are bad, they seem to have such a bad reputation.

As for what to do, IMHO no different to any other people that are toxic or not good for your life, disconnect from them. I guess that is very hard to do though. 
Sounds like in your situation that your DH is a big part of the problem and he is the one that has to fix this, you can't.


----------



## bellalinda (Apr 17, 2013)

Holland said:


> Sorry I understand the question, just wanted to say that not all ILs are bad, they seem to have such a bad reputation.
> 
> As for what to do, IMHO no different to any other people that are toxic or not good for your life, disconnect from them. I guess that is very hard to do though.
> Sounds like in your situation that your DH is a big part of the problem and he is the one that has to fix this, you can't.


I think you're right!


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm sorry, but your biggest problem is not with your in-laws but with your husband. You two should be presenting a united front. You two should be having a pow-wow ahead of time. It's like dealing with children, you always come together in agreement before approaching them. It seems like your husband is guilted into being the knight in shining armor. This is not good. I think it was positive for your marriage that you moved away. Them moving to be with you is not good. You have to fight for your marriage. Maybe counseling for your husband will help him deal with some these issues?


----------



## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm in a similar situation. We're stuck in a business with my inlaws. My husband does all the work while his family sits back and does nothing but profit from his hard work. They criticize and put him down every chance they get It's really hard to break this behavior because it's worked so well up to this point. He won't break away from them because he's afraid they will disown him. He's so desperately tries to please his dad (almost like a child ) but it will never happen. They use him and he doesn't even see it. I told him I can't live like this forever. It's such an unhealthy relationship. I don't see much hope for change. It's to ingrained in him. He was born and bred to be their work horse. They aren't going to let go easily. I tell my husband he needs to worry about his family (me and our son) not his mom, dad, sisters. I stopped communicating with my inlaws. I don't act disrespectful but I no longer go to their house for visits or on holidays. My husband and son go without me. I can't tolerate them anymore. So before I say something I will regret, It's best I just don't go over there at all.


----------



## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm in a similar situation. We're stuck in a business with my inlaws. My husband does all the work while his family sits back and does nothing but profit from his hard work. They criticize and put him down every chance they get It's really hard to break this behavior because it's worked so well up to this point. He won't break away from them because he's afraid they will disown him. He's so desperately tries to please his dad (almost like a child ) but it will never happen. They use him and he doesn't even see it. I told him I can't live like this forever. It's such an unhealthy relationship. I don't see much hope for change. It's to ingrained in him. He was born and bred to be their work horse. They aren't going to let go easily. I tell my husband he needs to worry about his family (me and our son) not his mom, dad, sisters. I stopped communicating with my inlaws. I don't act disrespectful but I no longer go to their house for visits or on holidays. My husband and son go without me. I can't tolerate them anymore. So before I say something I will regret, It's best I just don't go over there at all.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Oh, wow...I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from, bella!!! I must say, my IL's are actually WONDERFUL people, they are kind, caring, generous and respectful. They are also EXTREMELY family oriented as in, family time (between my husband/me, my BIL/SIL, niece and MIL/FIL) is required at a minimum one day ever two weeks. 
We recently moved CLOSER to our families (spent our first several years together living 6 hours away from it all) and my husband devotes a lot of time to his family. Again, I stress, I love my in-laws and I've been truly blessed with who they are...but quite simply, I don't feel the need to spend time with them on a regular basis (I'm the exact same way with my own parents, truth be told.) Since we've moved back, my husband spends a lot of time with his family, at least once a week (My work schedule doesn't allow me much of a social life) but when two people have slightly different values placed on family, it can create conflict! Like you're having!!

It's quite possible your husband feels indebted to his family and owes them something. Is there anything in his past that would indicate this? Or are his family members just generally entitled-acting people? 

They put you down??!!! That actually makes me angry...no, we're not perfect, and sure, people will talk sh** about us all behind our backs...but come ON. It sounds like you've taken pains to be kind and respectful and THEY just sound insane. If your husband knows they do this to you and he does nothing...Good god, I would just absolutely snap. That's awful.

Your husband is dependent on his family as much as they are dependent on him. Question is...why? And I don't blame you for not wanting them to move near you...I don't even think that's selfish, I think that's self-preservation!!! How would it go when they arrive?? With their rudeness and demands? I have no kids, but I always thought GOOD parents are proud of their children, no matter where they go or how far away they move in order to be successful. They should NOT berate their kids into feeling guilty for living their own lives.

If I were you (of course, I'm not!) I'd write down aaaaaalllll the stuff you just shared here and share it with your husband. Sometimes it's really hard to confront your spouse with serious issues like this...but if you can make time, read your letter or have him read it and then calmly discuss the issue, that could be a good start. 

Mind you, he may not see ANY of this or understand why it affects you so deeply. You might have to have this fight 800 times before it sinks in. But losing a marriage over an imposing/rude/mean family is ridiculous.

If he values you, he will listen and hopefully there is a compromise in there somewhere. Remind him of the boundries you both set that he can't stick to...ask him why. Ask him what HE wants from his family. How does his family make him feel? 

Ask lots of questions, get inside his head....try and find a new level of understanding...maybe when you figure out more where he's coming from, you can get a better idea of how to handle it all.

Man...this response was kind of all over the map! I'd love to hear what happens, though. Tough situation, lady...keep your chin up and good luck!!!


----------

