# The lies and deception are flowing freely



## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

I have been lurking on this forum for some time, I find the information here extremely valuable. This is my first real post.

About 5 years ago my wife worked with a male coworker in the same department that would touch her inappropriately in the office, like rubbing her shoulders, etc. I didn't find out about it until much later, but I would say it bordered on sexual harassment, but she never reported it. It may have only happened a few times. They both no longer work at the company. 

After I found out about this, I explained that this guy just wanted to get in our pants, and that I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that you did not tell me about this right away. She says they were only friends, and that she never responded to his advancements. She said she talked to him about this touching and he said he would stop. I have my doubts if she really spoke to him or not.

I met this little troll a number of years ago at a social event, I wished I had flatted him, but my wife and kids were here. 

I explained to my wife that I didn't want her to remain friends with him. She down-played the situation, stating there was nothing going on. An number of years pasted. I was comfortable at the time that they were never sexually involved.

But... What do think of a married woman (my wife) that remains in a 'friendship' with a this guy to this day? 

This guy also married and has kids. He has made it quite clear that he's very interested in her sexually, and freely admits he cheats on his wife. As a matter of fact, he tells my wife about it in graphic detail. 

They communicate often, via cell phone, text message, and very occasionally meet for lunch. She hides the all of this from me. The lies and deception is flowing freely. She has no idea, I know almost everything.

There is a great deal more to this story, beyond this guy, that I plan to post soon. But chronologically this is the first major events that has caused major issues.

I would love to hear what you think my wife's behavior, as it relates to our marriage.

And since this toxic friend of my wife as played a role in our marriage for the negative, what do you think of me sharing all the evidence with his wife? His cheating and his inappropriate relationship with my wife.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Your wife enjoys this guys company, she doesn't mind the sexually suggestive behavior, and she secretly meets with him. She continuously lies to you about all of the above, and that's the LEAST of it, odds are there's much more going on.

What more do you need to kick this cheater to the curb?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I would love to hear what you think my wife's behavior, as it relates to our marriage.*

I think your wife likes this guy, thinks he's funny and cool. She thinks it's OK to cheat. Most of all, she likes the attention she gets from him, it makes her feel good, she likes to be told how hot she is from other men, it isn't the same coming from her husband.

*And since this toxic friend of my wife as played a role in our marriage for the negative, what do you think of me sharing all the evidence with his wife? His cheating and his inappropriate relationship with my wife.*

If my spouse were doing this behind my back, I would want to know. I've never heard of a spouse saying that they didn't want to know, that they wished someone had kept this type of information from them. I've heard many times that a spouse was upset at people who knew about an inappropriate relationship and did not tell them about it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I don't support physical confrontation but this guy asking for a beat down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

keko said:


> I don't support physical confrontation but this guy asking for a beat down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The wife is going right along with it, should she get a beat down too?

She's the one who promised to be faithful, committed, devoted, etc, if anything she's more at fault than the loser dude trying to pick her up.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> This guy also married and has kids. He has made it quite clear that he's very interested in her sexually, and freely admits he cheats on his wife. As a matter of fact, he tells my wife about it in graphic detail.


How does she reacts to these talks?

Looks like your wife enjoys these talks and is cheating on you at some level. Are you sure it hasn't gone to physical level?

Sexting is cheating too.

And absolutely expose the POS to his wife


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

You say that this man and your wife no longer work together. What, then, is the reason for her continuing the "friendship" with this guy? She says he touched her inappropriately at work but she never reported it. He talks to her _in graphic detail_ about how he cheats on his wife. That's way beyond "friendly."

At the least, she's carrying on a twisted emotional affair. At most, she's already been in his bed. The fact that she's keeping this all secret from you is pretty telling.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> The wife is going right along with it, should she get a beat down too?


Last I read the married OM is the one pushing for sex, the wife is only dumb to go along with it.

Not saying the wife isn't at fault but the OM/wife has the same amount of responsibility in this.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This doesn't pass the sniff test

What's the rest of the story?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This should be in the CWI forum, you`ll get more focussed advice.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks for all the great response; I feel like just received a powerful boost of energy. 

*sharkeey, Will_Kane*
I agree, your 100% correct with your assessment of her, she has self esteem issues, and I'm sure she like all the attention, and likely enjoys hearing his stories of his hookups.

*keko*
I could not agree more, I really feel like I owe this guy a beating. But then the sensible person that I am thinks, I'll get arrested, and how is that going to help. But I'm not going to loss any sleep over exposing to his wife what a cheating POS he is. I really hope it end his marriage, as his behavior contributed to the ending of mine.

*sharkeey*
I agree she is most at fault here, as she is the one that commented to this marriage. On the other hand, he is a real POS, and clearly doesn't give an F that he has poisoned our relationship, and my kids that will suffer growing up in a broken family. I just hope I can return the favor. 

*warlock07*
I agree Sexting is cheating too. I have confronted her on this a number of years ago, and of course she thinks she has not cheated on me as there is not physical contact. That's what everyone who is Sexting says. A number of years ago, she agreed to never again chat with men in a sexual way. Well it lasted for 2 years, then she feel off the wagon for a couple of weeks. Now 4 years later she is back at it again. And she hasn't forgotten my feeling on this, but she just does care, she is hiding it from me (not very well). She's a Cake Eater, and doesn't want to lose her secure family life.

*SabrinaBlue*
Oh yea, this is way beyond friendly, and you're right it's a twisted emotional affair. Yes, the fact that she is deceiving me, and lying over and over again is the hardest part. How will I ever be able to trust her again? I cannot, I will not.

I'm drafting the rest of the store know to bring you up to date.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This should be in the CWI forum, you`ll get more focussed advice.


What's the CWI forum?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

CWI = Coping with infidelity

..because that`s what you`re doing.

Coping with Infidelity


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Thank you.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

This has been quite therapeutic for me. . Thank you all for the advice and letting me vent. Here's the rest of the story.

The story get worse, about 2 years ago, despite having agreed not to chat sexually, my wife engaged in sexual banter chat with another guy. And after a few days of this, they had full graphic sex via chat on the computer, no webcam.

This is where calling this an EA just doesn't do it justice. This is every bit a sexual affair, two people describing exactly what they are doing to each other, their just not in the same room. And if they're climaxing from this, it sure seems like almost doing the deed.

My wife ended all chat with this guy immediately after this.

Fast forward to late 2011, and my wife is now texting with the POS Troll again. He is again sharing all the intimate details of the women he cheats on his wife with. And now he is trying to get my wife to hook up with one of his friends. This Troll is my wife's pimp!

It's like a game now, two cheaters collaborating. It's still clear that my wife has yet to actually have a physical affair. But it's also clear that she would be willing if the time is right.

Now to bring you current.

So whom is he trying to fix her up with? The same guy my wife had the highly sexual chat with 2 years ago. Let's call him the Player. It ends up that this guys is a friend of the Troll, and he must have introduced them two years ago. I also learned that this guy lives locally. 

So the Player gets reacquainted with my wife via email, quickly turning it sexual, talking about how they could be Friends with Benefits, and sharing sexy stores and the like. He sends pictures of him getting a BJ from some gal that very afternoon. He leads her to believe this it his Johnson and the girl is someone he just meet. But the pix are clearly fake porn shots he photographed directly from his computer screen, as you could see the monitor line distortion. He could not have taken the photos from those angles, and the visible computer mouse in the picture is completely laughable. I hope most women are that dumb. 

The Player is also a POS, as he knows she is married and has children. What ever happen to The Man Code! You don't hit on another guys wife.

He's very smooth and knows how to appeal to my wife. She is very receptive, even suggesting the Player meet for lunch with her and the Troll. She still keeping it very "friends like", but she certainly knows what this guy is after. Based on her willingness to participate it's not going to take much to get her to roll over for him.

This is what as transpired thus far.

I am quietly planing the divorce, before I show my cards.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

light rain said:


> This has been quite therapeutic for me. . Thank you all for the advice and letting me vent. Here's the rest of the story.
> 
> The story get worse, about 2 years ago, despite having agreed not to chat sexually, my wife engaged in sexual banter chat with another guy. And after a few days of this, they had full graphic sex via chat on the computer, no webcam.
> 
> ...


It died awhile ago my friend. It's dead, buried and only remembered fondly by few.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

keko said:


> Last I read the married OM is the one pushing for sex, the wife is only dumb to go along with it.


His wife is "dumb" to go along with it?

I'll suggest it's a lot more than her just being too stupid to know she has a choice.



keko said:


> Not saying the wife isn't at fault but the OM/wife has the same amount of responsibility in this.


The cheating spouse has much more responsibility than the third party person, who didn't take those same marriage vows. He could be anybody. If she was a loyal, committed, devoted, honest wife she wouldn't give him the time of day, but she is.. and a heck of a lot more than that!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

totamm said:


> His wife is "dumb" to go along with it?
> 
> I'll suggest it's a lot more than her just being too stupid to know she has a choice.
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So you going to simply file and serve - given her history -I think you've got a good plan. Don't wait to long or talk yourself out of it.

btw - I don't see why you think it hasn't gone physical.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Shaggy, 

1. I don't think it hasn't gotten physical as the early chatting a number of years was a guy that lived a great distance away. 

2. The the ex-coworker is really is a very unattractive man. My wife is very attractive, and could really have her pick of men. She continues interacting with him only when he contacts her. If he does not, my wife forgets about him, and they will not talk for more than a year at a time. 

3. The Player on the other is 10 years her junior, and apparently good looking. He is very smooth with the chat, saying the right things, and making her feel special. And based on my wife's recent behavior I think the likelihood of a physical affair is great. 

The thing is I don't real care if it happens or not, as there is so much wrong with our marriage, that this is not the only reason I plan to divorce her.

The lying and deliberate deception to cover up this stuff, that she promised years ago that would never happen again is just the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. If you can't trust your spouse what do you have.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How are you monitoring her?

If you were to divorce, would evidence of adultery help your case in your state/country?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> It died awhile ago my friend. It's dead, buried and only remembered fondly by few.


You are correct, it was dead long ago. I didn't end it earlier for the sake of our young children. I perhaps mistakenly believed this was best for them. Everyone knows how hard divorce on the kid. I eventually came to the belief that staying in this marriage, and modeling a bad relationship to my kids is just as bad for them as the divorce, and likely worse.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rain, Hope you've been tested for STDs

Sorry but with this level of deception I'd also DNS the kids to be sure. I'm finding it hard to believe that she's ever been able to keep her legs closed.

Hopefully you've done things like cancelling any joint credit cards and have started to move half the money in any joint bank accounts to ones with only your name.

Is the cell phone account in your name? If so, cancel her phone. why should you be footing the bill allowing her to contact and sc*ew other men?


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Anything is possible.

Is there a particular DNA testing lab that is recommend here on TAM?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

https://www.gtldna.net/?gclid=CKyD6L-p4q8CFQlN4Aodtl-gbQ

I'll ask again, how are you monitoring her? Texts/emails? GPS? VAR?


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

keko said:


> I'll ask again, how are you monitoring her? Texts/emails? GPS? VAR?


All of the above, computer monitoring, key logger, IM chat logs, web sites, emails, mobile phone, SMS, GPS, phone bill, credit cards, social media sites, etc. And she's often careless about it, leaving complete SMS chat history on her phone. But even if she deletes them, they can be recovered. 

Why do you ask?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

light rain said:


> All of the above, computer monitoring, key logger, IM chat logs, web sites, emails, mobile phone, SMS, GPS, phone bill, credit cards, social media sites, etc. And she's often careless about it, leaving complete SMS chat history on her phone. But even if she deletes them, they can be recovered.
> 
> Why do you ask?


Wondered which evidence you were going to share with OMW. You have to keep in mind sometimes its hard to convince a spouse that their loved one is "cheating".

Are they meeting up anytime soon? You could try surprising them if you are 100% set for divorce.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Keko

I see what you mean the OMW may not be easy to convince.

It's really a twisted relationship between the people involved.

The guy I called the troll is the ex-coworker of my wife, that while he does want to F my wife, she's not into him, they're really just friends. So I will not have a opportunity to walk in on my wife and him.

But this guy discusses with my wife all the times he cheats on his wife. But I don't think he is going to share the time and place of his next hookup.

The reason I want to expose him to this wife is that he is encouraging my wife to lead a cheater life like him, and he's actively trying to get my wife into a PA. I could have an opportunity to catch with my wife and the OM. 

But I live in a no-fault state, so I'm not sure how this going to help me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Some states have alienation of affections law, regardless of adultery you can sue the OM. Google it and see if your state is one of them.

Plus filing for divorce on grounds of adultery will reduce alimony/settlement in certain counties. Check your local laws regarding this issue.

As you said this guy is pushing hard for it and it's only a matter of time before your wife(or any other woman) gives in. Keep your guards up.

Which phone is she using? Can you read the content of it online without having to get a backup?


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Good to know, thanks.



keko said:


> Which phone is she using? Can you read the content of it online without having to get a backup?


iPhone 4. No, I don't have on the phone monitoring. I could not find one that didn't cause signification issues with the phone. Can you recommend one?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

light rain said:


> iPhone 4. No, I don't have on the phone monitoring. I could not find one that didn't cause signification issues with the phone. Can you recommend one?


Have a look at mobilespy. I haven't used it myself but a few have recommend it in other infidelity/spying sites.

You can also create an online account for your phone company, you can at least read the logs constantly.


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

keko said:


> Have a look at mobilespy. I haven't used it myself but a few have recommend it in other infidelity/spying sites.
> 
> You can also create an online account for your phone company, you can at least read the logs constantly.


That was one of the two I have tried, but had issues with it. I'm waiting for a update to the software and I may try again.

I can view the call and message logs now with our carrier.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Oh well might worth another shot with the new update.

So what's your current plan? Time and action wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

The plan is to continue to prepare for D

Keep an eye on my wife to see if she does turn her twisted EA to a PA
Educate myself on the law
Gather important papers
Get finances together
Avoid issues with W clearing out joint account, or running up credit cards
Seek a non-court D like mediation, collaborative or cooperative
DNA test my kids
Be conscious of the fact we will be in a co-parenting situation soon enough, so don't make it harder than it has to be. It's just going to make it more difficult on the kids.
Enjoy my children and move on with my life

Thanks for your help keko


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have a look at this article for preparing, Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)

No problem, glad I could help.


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## HisMrs83 (Aug 8, 2011)

light rain said:


> The plan is to continue to prepare for D
> 
> Keep an eye on my wife to see if she does turn her twisted EA to a PA
> Educate myself on the law
> ...



Very smart, man. Good luck to starting a new life and finding true love.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rain,

Are you planning on implementing the financial part of the plan just before you confront her?


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## light rain (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, I would think I need to, at least some of it.

Our financial situation is pretty simple. We only have one joint account were almost all on the expenses come out of, so there is not much extra in there. We each have separate checking accounts and none on my CC's have her name on it. 

The issue I'm concerned about is her CC's (her name only). I'm not sure if I can do anything to prevent her from running up her cards. Can I freeze her CC's? They would still be considered debt of the marriage, even though they are in her name, right? 

I could make the physical cards get lost, which would make it a bit more inconvenient to charge on them.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

light rain said:


> The issue I'm concerned about is her CC's (her name only). I'm not sure if I can do anything to prevent her from running up her cards. Can I freeze her CC's? They would still be considered debt of the marriage, even though they are in her name, right?


If they were opened within the marriage, then you would be 50% responsible for them.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

light,

I don't know to be honest

Call a lawyer and ask or look it up on-line in your state. Ask the lawyer what you could do to prevent this.

However, keep in mind that she'll have to pay the other half of the debt too


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