# Sex as Payment



## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

I have been separated since February 2012. There were many problems that existed at the time of our separation, however, lack of sex/intimacy was one of them. I had an IUD at the time and it annihilated my sex drive. Once it was taken out, it returned. In the mean time, we are still separated. My husband is living with his mother. I live with our 3 year old son. On several occassions when Dave has come to the house, he constantly makes reference to "for moving the furniture, should equal a Blow Job. Cleaning this or that should grant me sex". Or "I was spoiled by having my old phone, it gave me access to all the sites I needed to take care of myself". A phone I was paying for. No matter what the situation, even if it's spending time with me and our son, he requests some sexual favor. There is no romance, no hugging, no kissing, just a straight out comment about sex in exchange for whatever chore he is doing. At this point I feel dirty and degraded. As if he's having me pay him with sex. Once at the beginnging of dating he made a comment that if sex only lasted a few minutes and there was no affection, it just meant he needed to get off. And that is how it is now. No affection, just a few minutes (at best) and then done. And he's tired. Am I over reacting? Being overly sensitive? I'd appreciate some constructive input from the men on here. Thanks.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. 
Heck, I'd feel insulted if someone *tried* to "pay me" with sex; I'd rather think of it as something they want for themselves. 

I don't think this is necessarily a sex problem; more of an a**hole problem...


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think he might be trying to prove he can still control you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all.
> Heck, I'd feel insulted if someone *tried* to "pay me" with sex; I'd rather think of it as something they want for themselves.
> 
> I don't think this is necessarily a sex problem; more of an a**hole problem...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I'd tell him to go shove his **** up his rear end and if he wants sex for payment to go find himself a pimp. Then make a point to say you can always find someone else to move your furniture, ect for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tell him to go ask his son for one. If he's this child's father, he has an obligation to help provide a decent environment. If you were willing to exchange labor for sex, then you'd probably choose someone who'd be better at both.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

You are not a hooker, let him know the same.


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

"And that is how it is now. No affection, just a few minutes (at best) and then done. And he's tired. "

So, you are giving in and having sex with him? And now you feel badly? STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. Or maybe I read it wrong.....


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Thanks for some of your replies. And "LovetheDaisy", no I am not now. I should have made myself more clear. Before we split, that is what was happening (...just a few minutes (at best) and then done."). He keeps making these comments now. And I haven't given in cause it just makes me feel disgusting. I'm sure with others, if you feel lousy about the situation you aren't about to get intimate.

"Dormant" I never once thought that. But now that you typed it, it makes sense! Thank you.


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

artemisxlr8 said:


> Thanks for some of your replies. And "LovetheDaisy", no I am not now. I should have made myself more clear. Before we split, that is what was happening (...just a few minutes (at best) and then done."). He keeps making these comments now. And I haven't given in cause it just makes me feel disgusting. I'm sure with others, if you feel lousy about the situation you aren't about to get intimate.
> 
> "Dormant" I never once thought that. But now that you typed it, it makes sense! Thank you.


My apologies for thinking that. Thank you for clarifying. What is your response when he says these things? My input what Dormant says is probably pretty accurate and he also want to see how you react. So, try to be indifferent or actually say, look knock it off......just a thought.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

I don't respond to it at all, and I certainly don't give him sex. He and I are trying to go through counseling and we only have had one meeting, and that was info gathering by the therapist. We have parenting class tomorrow night. Our next therapist meeting won't be until the end of the month. 

I figure that even if he and I do not work out, we can learn to be the best parents for our son. We need to get our crap together so that our issues do not impact our son. 

We've been with each other for almost 4 years now. I never wanted to create a broken home for my son, and I want to try and fix it, if it's fixable. But down deep I don't know if it can be.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

How disgusting for your husband to make sex about payment.

Yuck. You are not an escort.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Tell him you would be more than happy to give him sex...and then reach for the strap-on.

What a d1ck. Gives men a bad name. Set Catherine on him.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I agree, you are not a hooker!

Hooker's get paid with cash.

You're more of a sex slave, or general ****.

Does that offend you? GOOD!

Why the hell are you having sex with someone that treats you like that, husband or not? You have a major self-esteem issue that you would allow someone to be that disrespectful and not stop it. You need therapy immediately.

And if you're separated, why do you allow him to booty call you like that?

Take personal responsibility for this. Your husband isn't violating you, he's not forcing himself on you, your vagina isn't jumping off your crotch and on to his junk. You are allowing yourself to be disrespected when you put more value on some a$$hole's sexual desires than your own well being.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't know what the fuss is about. Women do it to guys ALL THE TIME!!!

If we screw something up and piss her off. "I Can't BELIEVE he did that! He's on the couch and if he even THINKS he's gonna get some of this, he's got another thing coming to him! He ain't havin this for a LONG TIME!"

or, even if you screw up.

"Hey Girl! I think I screwed up and when on a shopping binge. I charged up $800. Yeah, I know he's gonna get pissed so, I'm just gonna have to make his toes curl for the next couple of weeks."


And don't tell me ya'll don't do that!!!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

To the last couple of posters... You may have missed the part where she says she doesn't do it. He just wants her to.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm going to have to take the other side and give him the benefit of the doubt. To me this sounds like a desperate change in behavior in response to a wife who was refusing her husband. He probably tried everything he could think of to get his wife to have sex with him and over and over again she refused. So he started demanding it in exchange for things she wanted him to do.....and it worked. So in his mind this is the only way to get his cold wife to do what she should have been doing all along for free.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

dormant said:


> To the last couple of posters... You may have missed the part where she says she doesn't do it. He just wants her to.


I reread it three times and don't see that at all. It's clear to me she is doing it. Specifically referencing where she says it only lasts a few minutes with no kissing.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Post #9

Thanks for some of your replies. And "LovetheDaisy", no I am not now. I should have made myself more clear. Before we split, that is what was happening (...just a few minutes (at best) and then done."). He keeps making these comments now. And I haven't given in cause it just makes me feel disgusting. I'm sure with others, if you feel lousy about the situation you aren't about to get intimate.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Ahh, well I apologize and take back my comment. Halfway.

Whether it's sex or verbal/emotional abuse (which I think this falls into), you only receive what you allow. If this guy is talking to you like such a creep, don't be involved with him. At the least, tell him it offends you and you don't appreciate it.

If he's such a jerk, don't invite him to the house, and definitely don't ask him for favors.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Co-Guy, I think you mis-understood. He has been this way since our separation, and we are NOT sleeping together. I have refused because of what he is doing. I was checking on here to see if I was being overly sensitive to the matter. I don't think I am, but In speaking with two male friends they suggested I was. Didn't sound right, so I came one here to get a little perspective. But thank you for your opinion.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

To clarify, prior to our separation we were having issues in regards to raising our son. He then brought up the issue about not enough sex. He knew that the IUD I had in was causing the large part of the problem. So he got a vasectomy. The agreement was that I would remove the IUD once his follow ups showed he was shooting blanks. He did not want anymore children. He has 4 other children with two other women. I could not afford a "surprise" pregnancy. I will be 47 this year and a pregnancy at this age is too dangerous for me medically. So, I removed the IUD and insisted he use condoms. Things were fine. But an incident with our son came up and I requested he leave the house. He moved in with his mother and I found a house for me and our son. We decided we would try couples therapy, and also parenting classes, since we were not on the same page child rearing wise. 

Since the move, he has helped me move, and other items around the house, as well as spend time with me and my son at Disneyland (passes) and parks, etc. He started making the comments about how helping me move was worth a blow job, or sex, and then spending all this time with me and my son shouuld be good for x,y, z. I was so disgusted with this concept that I absolutely refused to have sex with him period. That is when I asked two of my male friends if I was being overly sensitive. They said I was. I disagreed and came on here, hoping to gain some clarity. As to the no kissing, hugging, and it last a few minutes, I'm talking about prior to our separation. It just wasn't there. And hadn't been for at least 6 months prior to our split. I'm just not sure if therapy can help. I thought perhaps men who have been through something similar could relate to some part of this and give me some insight to something I had not thought of.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Okay. So you married your now-husband, got an IUD to prevent unplanned pregnancy, lost your sex drive, and stopped having sex with him. 

Then the two of you split up.

Your husband is now begging for sex in a pretty pathetic manner.

And you're still not giving it to him.

But you want to stay married and work things out for the benefit of your child.

Easy fix. Explain to your husband that you just used sex to trick him into marrying you, and now that you're married, you can find any number of reasons to not have sex with him, but you hope he will see things your way, and come move furniture and do the literal heavy lifting in the relationship, before going back to his parent's house with blue balls.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Hmmm, that's odd. I typed this long response and it's no where to be found. So I will type it again, so if it's duplicated, so be it.

To add clarification (which I seem to NOT be able to do) My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years now. 

About 6 months prior to us separating, he expressed that he was having issues with our sex life. He knew that I had an IUD implanted after our son's birth which pretty much annihliated my sex drive. We both agreed this was the best choice so that there were no more unplanned pregnancies. He has 4 other children with two other women, and he expressed he didn't not want additional children. I have some medical conditions that would make a pregnancy at this age very dangerous. Once he expressed sexual issues, we agreed he'd have a vasectomy, and that after his follow up showed he was shooting blanks, I would then have my IUD removed. I had it removed, and we used condoms just to be on the safe side. My sex drive came back. And in full force I might add. 

A few instances happened in regards to differences in child rearing. Once such incident happened and I asked him to leave. He moved in with his mother. 

We agreed to couple's counseling and parenting classes so that we could be on the same page parenting wise. We only have had one couples therapy session and that was info gathering. 

He helped me move into my new home, and we spend joint time with our son at parks, Disneyland, etc to maintain some normalcy for our son. But some times he spends the night (on the couch). For all the things he has helped me with, he will make comments about how certain tasks merit certain sexual favors. No sex is going on. I have been so disgusted by the suggestions that I can't have sex with him. I asked two male friends if I was just being overly sensitive, and they suggested I was. That he was frustrated and he didn't know how to tell me he wanted it more often. My suggestion was, why can't he just hug me and kiss me and tell me he misses me. Instead of making it sound like a business proposition on a street corner. I came on here hoping that perhaps some men have been in a similar situation and they could shed some light onto the matter that perhaps I am not seeing from a male's perspective. I know that we all get wrapped up in our own perspective that we sometimes fail to see the other's. I am trying to gain insight into that


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I don't think you are over-reacting. Either this is his best attempt at being charming or he is deliberately trying to be disrespectful, either way the guy is a loser.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

to NOTLIKE YOU: Um no, I didn't use sex to trick him into marrying me. What an odd statement. We were quite happy for the first two years with no issues whatsoever. It was with the addition of the IUD that it conflicted with other medications and caused a drop in my hormone levels, which inadvertently killed my sex drive. He knew this and knew it was me. We both loved each other very much and were upset about this turn of events and we both came up with a solution to the matter. The Vasectomy and removal of the IUD. So there was no tricking. He is the one who has offered to help me with the things I need being done. I am hopeful that he suggests helping because he still cares on some level.

I know he was angry for me kicking him out, but he knew the reason and eventually agreed with my reasoning. He agrees we need counseling for ourselves and parenting for our son. 

I know he wants to move back in but having been separated, I think he has built up resentment that we aren't having sex the way we were when I had the IUD removed and before he moved out.

So in his way, he makes this remarks about sex for certain tasks he does. I'm 'guessing' he doesn't know how to express this to me but to be blunt. But my question is it blunt, or just being rude and hurtful. Have men been to this point and just figure, "I'll go through the motions and if I can get something on the side, I will."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well you want a man's opinion and I'll tell you it sounds like he's frustrated and being blunt. Probably because being subtle hasn't worked.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clearly he has been a clueless idiot the way he has been asking for sex from you.

On the flip side, has he been a faithful husband? If so realize he is climbing the walls wanting sex with his wife, and seeking the emotional connection with their wife that it brings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I reread your initial posts and your last posts. My opinion on the situation has changed.

First, have you expressly, directly, bluntly told him that you do not like the way he is talking to you about this and how it makes you feel? Anything less than brutal bluntness needs to be clarified for him. "When you talk to me about doing chores around the house for sex it makes me feel repulsed by you. I do not want to have sex with you because you are handy, but because I love you."

Second, it sounds like your husband is just desperate for sex. He is going about it the wrong way. His comments sound like an expression of resentment and desperation at the lack of sex. He probably is resenting that he's helping you and not getting anything for it. He is desperately trying to make a connection with you but is doing it in an idiotic way.

If there IS something he can do to romance you and get you in the mood, let him know what that is, specifically.

If there isn't anything he can do (as in you truly do not want to be intimate with him), then let him know that sex is off the table during the separation, and that no amount of help that he does for you will result in intercourse. That way his expectations are clear and he won't have anything to resent you for.

If you know you're not going to be having sex with him, and yet he is expecting that you will when he helps you, that is being a tease.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

I spoke to him a little while ago. He didn't realize that he was coming off that way, but he said after hearing what I said, he realizes that it sounded bad. His words were "I apologize with all my heart then for my ignorance and inconsideration". 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. However, time will tell if he really means it, or just saying it because he just wants to placate me.

He did admit that he has been handling things very childishly, and has been on the "one-up" kick. I hope he realizes that just doesn't work.

Thank you for your honest, if not humorous responses (in some instances). And to the best of my knowledge he has been faithful. Or at least that is what he is always telling "you should be grateful that i'm not cheating".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

But other than telling that doesn't work, have you offered him a path that actually leads to sex? Sex s a very important part of bonding and emotional health. I got the feeling from the posts that you have completely cut him off for a while now. That's not any better than the stuff he has been pulling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

crossbar said:


> I don't know what the fuss is about. Women do it to guys ALL THE TIME!!!
> 
> If we screw something up and piss her off. "I Can't BELIEVE he did that! He's on the couch and if he even THINKS he's gonna get some of this, he's got another thing coming to him! He ain't havin this for a LONG TIME!"
> 
> ...


I don't do that. 

My husband and I still make love when I am angry with him. I need to be happy and not right...my sex drive is also too high to withhold sex. I don't believe in withholding sex in a marriage. People do not get married to be deprived of being physical. 

I do not make such large purchases without consulting him first. That would be very disrespectful and dishonest. My husband has actually said: "Baby, you don't have to ask to buy every little thing. You're my wife and if you need something, go ahead and buy it." Why would I need to rack up hundreds of dollars in one shopping trip? :scratchhead:I buy my clothes in increments up to $100. No need to be immature and silly with money. 

Unflattering generalizations are sickening. Some women understand the importance of sex and the need for financial honesty. Hope you were just kidding...hard to tell online sometimes.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

First, why are you living separate? Second, if you are living separate because you two are separated for some reason or another you definitely shouldn't be engaging in sexual acts together. This is just weird


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Fallen Solider: I understand your point. He was smoking (pot) in the house around our son, and it was a condition I said was to never happen. He is seeking help for it now. But he can't be in the house if he has a problem. And that is one of the reasons why I am not having sex with him. His priorities were not me and my son.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

In a love relationship sex is... Not a chore, not a job, not a 'I have to' and def not a pay for this if I do that for you. Sex is a mutual thing... I like, you like, WE like, and submission.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I know two wrongs don't make a right....and using sex as a stick or a carrot is sad, pathetic and wrong....but....

Women do this to men ALL the time.....'honey....I'm off up to bed (as she winks and smiles at him seductively)...I'll be waiting...but be a darling and empty the dishwasher first'.....

Whats that if its not 'payment'? Its 'you empty the dishwasher and I'll have sex with you'....when a woman says it its fine..
'Hey honey, please can you shift all the furniture round for me'...
'Sure....in return for a bj...' 

Suddenly its NOT fine...he is a horrid dreadful man trying to make out his wife is a cheap hooker.

Sexual equality is not just about equal pay, equal opportunity etc! Its the full monty!

I fully expect to be well and truly shot down now!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> But other than telling that doesn't work, have you offered him a path that actually leads to sex? Sex s a very important part of bonding and emotional health. I got the feeling from the posts that you have completely cut him off for a while now. That's not any better than the stuff he has been pulling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Equal ! Yes, it works for some of us... We as a partisan will never be equal.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I've used sex for payment before, offering something my husband wants for doing something he doesn't want to do. But it's not a wham bam deal. 

Your deal sounds like you're dealing with a selfish little boy who wants paid for doing "chores" he should be doing anyway.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

....just as 'normal' marital sex is a chore for alot of wives....


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## BigdadG (May 6, 2012)

I think " no sex unless there's love ' , otherwise you're being devalued ...


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