# Is it normal to feel regret after marriage?



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

I?m a newlywed. Been married for 5 months. I sometimes feel I made a wrong choice in getting married to my husband. Sometimes there?s a specific reason or event that make me think that. Sometimes there?s none. It?s like I?m not 100% sure of my choice. And also sometimes I?m happy. But the fact that I am having these thoughts of regret, that they even exist, should mean that something?s not right, right? Or is it normal? 
Not sure if it?s my anxiety or what, but these thoughts keep playing in my head. 
Can someone shed some light on this?


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Buyer's remorse - it's normal.

Unless he's acting unreasonably, I'd try putting your doubts aside (for the moment), and concentrate on the good aspects of him and your marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At five months in?

This is too close to the beginning to have a sense of the end. A bubbling up need to break away.

Do you love your' husband? Don't give a quick yes. Think hard on this.

Maybe you aren't ready to be married to him, to anyone.

How old are you?
How old is he?

Why did you get married? Whose idea was it? [primarily whose].
Where you pressured into this marriage?
Is it an arranged marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

David Darling said:


> Buyer's remorse - it's normal.
> 
> *Unless he's acting unreasonably,* I'd try putting your doubts aside (for the moment), and concentrate on the good aspects of him and your marriage.


Yes, has he changed into someone you did not expect?
Is he doing something [or not doing something] that disappoints you?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Early in a marriage you should be happy. If you are not, its worth thinking carefully about why. Has something changed? Were there things you have learned about him that you didn't know before? Try to analyze what it is that is making you sometimes regret being married.

Is your sex life great? A bad sex life can cast a cloud over everything else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long did you know him? and how long did you date?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Be honest with us. Why? Is he not attractive? Is the sex boring or lacking? Something is wrong.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

I remember having those same feelings..... that was 52 years ago and we're still married. I bet many have those feelings.... you're the only one who has had the guts to express. 

When we're young, many of us get married for the wrong reason. At about 3 month, we question our selives and many continuing to question for the next 15 - 20 years. the grass will start looking greener on the other side of the fence. Or, you'll ask yourself "is the grass greener on the other side of the fence." 

There will be a lot of twist and turns... a lot of happy times and few sad times... disappointments and achievements. You'll grow and change and so will your spouse. 


Then one day you realize how smart your decision was to get and stay married to that person. you'll change and so will your partner.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I had those feelings in my first marriage. I should have taken more notice. I spent time wondering why she was suddenly so angry at me for no reason or why she no longer had any feelings of intimacy towards me. I let it go and was just happy when times were good. I realised long after that she had done a classic "bait and switch". Whatever was needed while we were engaged and then a total change once we were married.

In my second marriage, just 2 years now, there has never once been a second thought or single feeling of regret.

If you don't have children already then DON'T TAKE ANY RISK of getting pregnant!! You need to have this either sorted out or split up before you bring children into it. It's not fair on anyone to bring children into a miserable relationship.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I am around one year married to hubby and I sometimes think that. Shhh. It's my secret.

I love him a lot but we are very different and sometime it takes a lot of compromise and understanding to make it work. I think we want many of the same things so we try to focus on our values and the future together. Part of my regretful feeling I think come from him not being like the kind of guy that i pictured myself marrying. But life is funny like that and you never know how things turn out.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Annizka said:


> I?m a newlywed. Been married for 5 months. I sometimes feel I made a wrong choice in getting married to my husband. Sometimes there?s a specific reason or event that make me think that. Sometimes there?s none. It?s like I?m not 100% sure of my choice. And also sometimes I?m happy. But the fact that I am having these thoughts of regret, that they even exist, should mean that something?s not right, right? Or is it normal?
> Not sure if it?s my anxiety or what, but these thoughts keep playing in my head.
> Can someone shed some light on this?


I got married young, my first marriage was at 20 years old. She was pregnant and i felt like I had to marry her. I regretted that desicion to this day. I don't think I ever loved her the way she needed but she was also a ***** too. I always felt lile I made a mistake and would sometimes look at her and wonder how I could have ever done something like this. We had two children, and we ended up being married for 12 years. Sex was a special occasion for me. She never wanted it and when we did, it was one way. She always said it was just too painful but she liked it. 
I divorced her 5 years ago, she made my life hell for 3 and 1/2 years and now I am married to a woman I feel like I was meant to be with. My ex and i get along better now. Don't sit around with regrets, be honest and upfront, if you can work on it then do so, if not then let him go so he can be happy and so can you. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

I am 29 and he is 34. We come from a conservative background in Europe, now living in another country. Met on social media, had a long distance relationship for about 7 or 8 months before getting married, and only met in person for two weeks before hand. 
This wasn?t arranged, as that?s not how it goes in our culture. But I guess I did feel pressured by him to get married. I initially wanted to wait a bit longer, but he insisted on moving this a little faster. 

From the beginning I knew he was more quiet than most guys I usually went for, but at least he made attempts at a conversation without staring at his phone watching videos all the time like he does now. Now I feel like he?s so quiet. The house feels dead. I guess that?s how he is with people he?s comfortable with, but I try to converse with him and I feel like it?s one way. I?m a quiet person too, but this is too much. It?s usually me initiating a conversation, pulling things from no where to try and find something to engage him with. He?ll answer me, say a few sentences, then it?s back to silence. When this happens, I then give up and not say anything either. I guess I start to feel resentment for him being that way, that maybe it?s something wrong I did or something wrong with me. He?ll notice and ask me what?s wrong. This has happened this way a couple of times, and I?ve told him he?s being quiet right when he comes home from work, that I feel like he?s not happy when he?s home or not happy with me. He reassures me that it?s not me, that?s it?s work or that he?s thinking about things, and that with me he feels like he doesn?t feel the pressure to make conversations. This used to give me relief before, that there?s nothing wrong. But lately it?s making me feel lonely. 

He also has this intimidating aura about him. When he?s in his quiet mood which is most of the time, or there?s something he doesn?t like or annoys him, with just a look or a few words, he?ll make you feel like you?re in trouble. He doesn?t threaten or anything, I can?t explain it, but you feel like you?ve made a big mistake. I can see other people intimidated by him as well by looking at their interaction with him, so it?s not just me. When he?s like that, our interaction feels so awkward, uncomfortable. I feel like I?m nervous around him. Like I can?t be myself. 

Then again there?ll be moments where he comes out of his shell and it?ll be so amazing. He?s joyful, jokes around, doesn?t have this wall up. At times like this, I feel like I can relax and be myself. But these moments are not so common. 

He is also very caring and understanding. He is affectionate at most times, I think more than I am. When he knows I?m upset, he has a way of holding me and talking with me that makes me feel better. Sex wise, the most we go without is a day. Interestingly, the most connected I feel with him is in bed.

Reading this, what conclusions can you come to regarding my marriage? How can I fix this and enjoy the marriage? Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you all!


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## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

Wanted to add that there are other things he does that I feel is unfair, like picking and choosing from our culture what suits him best being one of them. But I?d be more willing to overlook these other things if he was just more engaging with me and didn?t make me feel lonely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I never felt that way. The best advice I can give you about marriage is talk about it with him. Communicate. Tell him you feel lonely.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You married a man you knew practically nothing about. 2 weeks of being together and then getting married was foolish, you are only now getting to know him. You say it wasn't arranged, but it was very much like an arranged marriage. It will take time to get to know each other and learn how to get along and accept the way he is.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It sounds like you didn't spend enough time getting to know one another in person before getting married, and you're having to do that now... after you've already exchanged vows.

It sounds like there are a lot of positives in your relationship with him, but it also sounds like he isn't meeting your need for communication and emotional intimacy. You kind of skipped that part by getting married so quickly.

You might want to get some books on improving emotional intimacy in marriage--they're pretty easy to find on Amazon.

I would also recommend getting out of the house and doing more activities together. Getting out and doing things together, away from the house, tends to foster emotional intimacy.

You also might want to try this book, which looks pretty interesting: 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple's Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy. I'm thinking you could use the questions to get conversations started with him, to help build the emotional intimacy, but he won't feel the pressure of "my wife thinks there is something wrong with our relationship."

There's potential for the two of you, but you may just have to work harder at it and give it some time.


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