# Children's Reactions



## jennimd (Aug 11, 2015)

For a variety of reasons, I am considering telling my husband I want a divorce. My plan is to wait until after the holidays. Obviously, I am agonizing over this decision, but I have caught him several lies and overall have just realized that he has become a very selfish person who treats me terribly and the good times are just not making up for the bad lately.

Several things are terrifying--being alone, finances, etc. What is most heartwrenching, however, is my children's reactions. I know everyone who divorces with children goes through this, but the thought of eventually breaking news like this to my children, especially my older daughter, makes me want to cry hysterically myself. She is very prone to anxiety and has even expressed a fear of us divorcing since she knows enough people who have divorced to allow her to see the impacts. As much as I am so unsure of my relationship with my husband, he is for the most part a good father and they are both very attached to him. I have done everything in my power to shield them from the problems we are experiencing, so I think if and when I break this news it will be a complete shock. I can truly see why couples stay together "for the children," but if things don't change I am not sure that is best for us or them.

Anyone who had to guide extremely sensitive children through a divorce, are there any suggestions, pearls of wisdom?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just be honest. All you can do.
Don't bad mouth the other spouse, ever.

I really wish you'd remember for better for worse. It's none of my business, but I'll ask....Have you given your husband every opportunity to change what bothers you? There is no perfect man..... If you feel like he loves you, give it every chance. If he's lying and cheating---/ go your own way.... It only gets worse! 

No way to save your kids the pain and their lives going upside down, losing faith in marriage, learning that mom and dad aren't perfect, seeing them with a stepmother, missing them greatly during the holidays/ them missing you, not getting to share with you as far as things they do with him, having to live with other step siblings. Etc etc. It's just part of divorce. I'm divorced. I can tell you it's got some pain associated that you've never thought about in regards to your kids.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

My suggestion, unless there was infidelity on either side, is to make more effort at getting through this hump. So many studies have been done that 5 years later, couples that were close to divorcing but decided to muddle through were happier and glad that they didn't divorce compared to those who break up their families. 

I know you're going to get many woman come on here to tell you how happy they are after their divorce but wanted to offer a counter view. It takes 2 to make a successful union. Doesn't mean you take abuse but I'm reading to many woman blowing up their families for some really petty reasons. Either way, I wish you the best.


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## jennimd (Aug 11, 2015)

Evinrude so many of your points have been racing through my mind. I am actually crying reading your advice--and I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. I caught him in an EA a while ago; he stopped communicating with her, but I have now caught him on several occasions looking her up on the internet; he promised he would no longer do so when I confronted him, but I used his work computer yesterday and there were more searches. All of this has made me a wreck, but it has also made me more cognizant of how lopsided our marriage is in terms of doing nice things for each other, childcare responsibilities, etc...

Then I feel like these things seem petty compared to what this will do to them. I know no marriage is perfect, so I also am so tempted to stick it out. But it has been making me a disaster. At the same time, I'm not convinced that this would even improve quality of life for me, so then I think how could I do something that would be even more devastating for my children??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Honestly, you shod post this in the considering separation forum.
I'm just a divorced man who's wife had ea's and pa's. You are very right to be this concerned about the ea. 
my advice would be to serve him with papers and go 180 on him, and see if he gets his head out of his arse and straightens up. Very good chance he will. Make marriage counseling and complete transparency a requirement of reconciliation. Make him firmly believe you want a divorce. He'll either man up or you are better off without him. Divorced take time, you can cancel anytime. Out the fear of GOd in this dude, before he thinks he might get away with this. Once again, you are right to be this upset.
I'm so sorry. 
One last thing. Divorce is bad, but putting up with watching your spouse betray you is worse. And the kids will make it. You all will. I think you have caught this in time to blow it up and reconcile, but follow the advice given by people more knowledgeable than I and don't let your emotions let him off the hook.


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## lurky.lou (Aug 31, 2015)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...03/marriage-problems-heres-8-step-rescue-plan
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What makes you think that living with a father who treats her mother like crap doesn't cause anxiety? 

His kids seem to be less of a concern to him then his d!ck. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree that it may require the 2x4 of you filing D to shake him out of the fog. Most husbands, when they see that they will be seeing their kid only a few times a month and be taken to the cleaners in family court, come out of the fog. 

You doing a 180 while working on yourself will really get him fog free.
Get your but exercising to improve your health & body. Improve your fashion, hair, ETC. In other words become the best version. (classy not slvtty)

When he sees you pulling away and getting hotter, trust me, he will wake up. If not, you will be in a better position to endure the D if it happens.


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## jennimd (Aug 11, 2015)

I have fantasized that if I tell him I plan on divorcing him, he will immediately do a 180 and fix everything. However, neither of us is naive and I would fully expect that if I lay that out there he will take it as a point of no return--as would I. 

He fully admits he screwed up. He won't acknowledge that what happened was an emotional affair, but he has said that he is annoyed with himself for having let what had previously been a very innocent work friendship become inappropriate. And no, they do not work together anymore; in fact, she now lives quite far away. When I first asked him about the Internet searches, he said he was just curious about what was going on because she had been going through a lot of difficulties prior to the ending of their communication. He said he had looked her up (she writes a blog and has a public Instagram) once or twice, but he finally said that if it bothers me he won't look her up anymore. That was last week; I saw on his search history that he quickly looked her up two days ago. 

Obviously this is killing any trust I could have. But then when I think of the anguish for myself and my children that acting on this WOULD bring about, I have to wonder if I should just look at him checking in as his way of dealing with the need to end what had been a pretty close friendship. I'm sure some of those who read this will immediately roll their eyes at me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What is he doing or not doing that is hurting you so badly? Looking her up is bad, but not as bad as contacting her. She's gone. She'll likely start another relationship with someone else. It will be over. Sounds like it is over, except in his mind. 
You need to work on what is happening between you and him that has resulted in both of you running low, almost empty, in the love tank. Otherwise things will get progressively worse. Read up on how others kept the love going. Work on smiling and talking, being yourself again. Make yourself a person that attracts him to you, and see if you can rekindle your love for one another. That might be easier than a divorce. It might not. But you both need some help. Maybe a MC?
Praying for you........


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just be honest. All you can do.
> Don't bad mouth the other spouse, ever.


I would agree with both of these pieces of advice 100%. I would also add to keep the kids out of the middle. The bad part is that you can only control yourself, you cannot control your spouse. 

I would tend to disagree with some of the posters here. If you and your spouse can do the above advice during a divorce, things will work out okay. Nothing is ever perfect, but if you are proactive and you both keep your children as the most important thing, they will get through this. Yes, at least one of them will secretly desire mom and dad to get back together. But I believe that if they are loved by both parents and the parents can keep things civil, the kids will adapt just fine. 

I for one can say that I was so much happier after I got over the shock and grief of the divorce. Yes divorce sucks, but after it was all said and done, I was in a much better place without my former spouse. She and I had grown in different directions and had different goals in life. I am a better person having gone through it, not that I wish it on anyone. I am not saying run down to the attorney and draw up papers, but make an honest pro vs con list for your relationship. It may help you to see which path may work better for you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce is often not all it's cut out to be. You might read some books on how to have a successful marriage and ask your husband to discuss it with you.

Go to MC. Just book it if he hums and haws.


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