# Still haven't recovered...



## Mrs.Puddleglum

Hi everyone, 

2 1/2 years have passed since my husband told me he's been and is in a serious relationship that had at that time lasted 5 years. They tried to have children but she turned out to be infertile. He spent holidays and weekends with her when I thought he was doing something else. She was staying in our home when I was away once. He had told her that I was alright with it. Though I had no clue. 

He said he didn't want to leave me, that he loves us equally. But that if I would want him to stop seeing her, he would. I thought about that for a few months and came to the decision that I'm not okay with that arrangement. I told him and he broke up with her. 
But he's been resentful ever since. The breakup was hard for him. He really was attached to her. Though he attempted in the beginning to give me more attention and time and things seemed to be improving, gradually we grew distant anyway. 
Now we're living separately but we're not divorced. He doesn't want to speak at all about what has happened. He also doesn't want to divorce. 
To me it feels like he's died. But even worse, as if he keeps on dying. The grief just doesn't end because I sometimes get hopeful he might change and start liking me again. But then I notice that he doesn't care. He isn't remorseful. He says he only regrets telling me about it. If he hadn't, things would have been just fine still he says. 

He's still away a lot so I think it's possible he's still seeing her. But when I asked recently he got very offended and told me that it seems to him that I have mental health issues. That this all was of the past and just totally mean of me to bring up again. He also said it seems to him I'm just with him for money, that I don't like him at all. But I've told him that he's free to chose what he wants, if divorcing and remarrying is what he prefers, I'll be sad but I will accept that. 
I'm a housewife and we have quite many children, so I'm financially dependent on him. But I'm sure things would work out anyhow. 

No one knows around us. Not our children. Not my family, not his. No friends etc. 

It feels as if the pain won't go away. We're just not coming to some sort of resolution. 
Things are sad... 

So that's my introduction.


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## snowbum

You need to tell him to leave. You did nothing wrong. He’s an ahole


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## snowbum

He lied to you for five years. Do you want a psychotic liar?


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

snowbum said:


> He lied to you for five years. Do you want a psychotic liar?


His defence is that he didn't actually lie to me. He just never told me anything about it. He says he would have told me if I had asked. I never suspected anything though. It was a total chock.
If he hadn't eventually told me I might still not have known. He lied to her though, by telling her that I'm fine with it.

I wrote this as an introduction, this is my first post in this forum. So it's not exactly a question yet at the moment. I don't know for sure what I want to do. 
It's quite complicated since I'm financially dependent on him. I've been home with kids all my adult life so it's not so easy for me to find a job. And I would also need to move away from where we live now and that would be messy too because my mother moved there a couple of years ago to be closer to us. She gave up her flat and would not have anywhere else to go.
It would be extremely hard for me to find somewhere to live because one needs to have a good paying job before one rents a flat. But I can't get a job if I don't have any flat. Because the place we live in is too far from civilization and I don't have driving licence.

We're already living separately. In different houses. So it's not like he's annoying me all the time. He's also very generous with money, very responsible in so many ways. He's not pressuring me in any way. He's not even asking me to cook for him or anything. He's very helpful, making sure our bicycles work well, he fixes things in our house without me asking him. He is very caring and unselfish in many ways.

This arrangement also has the advantage that our children are close to us both most of the time, whereas divorce would mean they probably wouldn't see him that much. I guess many would think "screw him, if he won't see the children it's his own problem". But I can't see it that way, he's not a perfect father, but he's not a bad one either. The children definitely benefit from having him around. He loves them and it seems to me he loves me too, but he just can't get over what happened and neither can I.

I would like to remarry with someone who cares for me. But realistically, with the amount of children we have, the only one who'd marry me would most likely be a lunatic or a Saint. I also don't think it would be fair to bring anyone into this mess. I don't really understand how people with children who remarry get things to work out. I think such ideas will have to be saved for later in life. 

I guess things will change gradually as our children grow up. In a couple of years the youngest will be attending school so then I will perhaps be able to find a job.

Anyhow, in some ways I wish things would go back to normal. We used to be very close. I can forgive him. But for me to trust him again I'd want to hear from him he that he really regrets what he did and I of course need to see that there's a desire in him to work through things. But I'm not seeing any of that. Well, in the very beginning after he told me and he saw the devastating effects it had on me, he was expressing regret. But somehow, as I described, things gradually just went sour.

I'm confused.


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## Evinrude58

So:
He has a mistress for 5 years after swearing an oath of loyalty only to love you (I assume).
His defense is he didn’t lie, he just didn’t tell you. Lol. Ok. Well he’d have to think you’re a complete idiot to accept that argument. A laugh in his face would be appropriate there.
He lied when he made marriage vows of fidelity with you. He’s a liar. Undeniable. He knows this. He lied to you every day for 5 years. A lie of omission. A betrayal of the utmost.

So you find out, and he “gives her up” but is whiny about it. Geez, what an entitled, narcissist prick.

“He's still away a lot so I think it's possible he's still seeing her. But when I asked recently he got very offended and told me that it seems to him that I have mental health issues.”

Whew, you are so easygoing and difficult to anger. HE got offended? YOU are the ONLY person who gets to express offense. You are the betrayed spouse, not him. He should be doing everything in his power to patiently help you swallow the **** Sandwich he fed you for 5 YEARS and is still feeding you.
I wish you could get some righteous anger and tell him to go f himself.
It’s “possible” he’s still seeing her should be replaced with “ near certitude “ that he is still seeing her.

What I suggest is to see an attorney. Find out what it will cost him to divorce you. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised. If you would get a raw deal he would have divorced you already.

But let’s say you want to just stay married. Get yourself a boyfriend! Don’t tell him. After all, you’re not lying. You can say “well I’d have told you if you asked.”

After the abuse he’s done to you, I hope you finally detach and find someone worthy of your loyalty. When that love switch is finally flipped in your mind, he will get what he deserves.

You need to see an attorney and be done with him. Your kids can’t possibly be better off having a guy like your husband as an example.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Evinrude58 said:


> So:
> He has a mistress for 5 years after swearing an oath of loyalty only to love you (I assume)."
> 
> I'm not sure. We married legally at a municipality office. It's non-religious so I think they skip that part about loyalty. I don't remember the exact words but it's a lot different than in church. Actually, I very much wanted to have a "real" marriage too and that was the plan initially. We had no relatives or friends present at the legal marriage. But time passed and when I brought it up he said he didn't feel like making a promise to God which so many seem to later disrespect by divorcing. He said if we're still together after 15 years he might consider it. When I brought it up after 15 years he couldn't recall it and said he probably said it as a joke.
> 
> "A lie of omission. A betrayal of the utmost."
> 
> Somehow he doesn't see it that way. This woman was from a country where it's very hard to find a husband. The demographics are sort of weird, so he felt as if he's doing her a service sort of. He also thinks I'm just terribly envious. "I would never have told you if I knew you're such an envious woman" he's told me a couple of times.
> 
> "Geez, what an entitled, narcissist prick."
> 
> Actually, I believe he seriously may have that sort of affliction. Covert narcissism or something like that. He just seems very unaware of how others feel and yes, he thinks it's totally normal that he goes on holidays alone and that I hardly ever have any time for myself because he's working and making money and I'm on perpetual holiday since I'm a housewife. He seemed genuinely surprised when I reacted with chock at his revealing these news. I think he thought I'd congratulate him and be happy to meet my new co-wife. He told me that she was very excited to see me and get to know me. He'd all the time told her that I'm all supportive of their relationship. And he told her really nice things about me. When I asked why he said things like that when I in reality had no clue he said that he was absolutely sure that this was how I was going to react.
> I even asked him if he's unaware that people usually get really angry about this sort of behaviour and oftentimes divorce their cheating spouse. 🙄 He just said he had never imagined that I would be like such selfish kind of people. And "don't you want me to be happy?".
> 
> Whew, you are so easygoing and difficult to anger. HE got offended? YOU are the ONLY person who gets to express offense. You are the betrayed spouse, not him. He should be doing everything in his power to patiently help you swallow the **** Sandwich he fed you for 5 YEARS and is still feeding you.
> 
> At first I was in great chock and acute grief. He took me for walks and felt really bad for me and worried about me for some time. It took almost a year before feelings of anger caught on and I started wondering how he could have been so callous. By then he felt things had already been discussed. He refused to talk anymore about it and it's still the same.
> 
> Last week I couldn't help myself but wrote him a message asking him how he thought we should be able to continue, how we should communicate etc because I'm just so broken by all this. He didn't reply and later said he'd just erased those messages, most of them unread because he wouldn't tolerate such abuse from me.
> 
> "I wish you could get some righteous anger and tell him to go f himself.
> It’s “possible” he’s still seeing her should be replaced with “ near certitude “ that he is still seeing her."
> 
> One thing that has created a huge dissonance in me is that I used to know him as a painfully honest person. He just never lies (or rarely as I learnt) to people. I could never imagine him lying to someone as he did. When he says he doesn't see her, I tend to believe him. Though last time I asked he just got angry. No clear reply. So that makes me suspect he's seeing her again. But it could very well be he's seeing someone else. And I can imagine it must have been a chock for her when he told her that I had actually never known. Because he says he told her that.
> 
> 
> "What I suggest is to see an attorney. Find out what it will cost him to divorce you. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised. If you would get a raw deal he would have divorced you already."
> 
> I'm not in USA. Divorces where I live are a totally different matter. Not sure what would happen but there aren't usually any attorneys and courts involved. I should figure out more I guess.
> 
> " But let’s say you want to just stay married. Get yourself a boyfriend! Don’t tell him. After all, you’re not lying. You can say “well I’d have told you if you asked.”
> 
> Last summer when anger caught up with me I said the same. He then said that would be a totally different thing because I'm a woman and he's a man.
> 
> "After the abuse he’s done to you, I hope you finally detach and find someone worthy of your loyalty. When that love switch is finally flipped in your mind, he will get what he deserves."
> 
> Thank you, I hope the same. I must admit my heart breaks in a thousand pieces just thinking of divorce though. And we are part of a culture, community and family where divorces are practically unheard of. There's a great social stigma attached to it and I know my life will be seriously changed in so many ways if I do it. I would practically become an outcast. I love my friends and community so that's also a difficult part of it.
> 
> "You need to see an attorney and be done with him. Your kids can’t possibly be better off having a guy like your husband as an example."


I think there's a more professional way to respond to quotes so that my replies aren't inside of it. Sorry, I'm not very technical. Thank you again for your reply.


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## TexasMom1216

There is nothing to be confused about. He a selfish liar who has no respect for you. You’re a thing to him, not a person, and he doesn’t care about you or your children at all. Staying with him is destructive to your self esteem and teaches your children that women are faceless, soulless animals for men to use. Would you want your daughter stuck where you are?


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## Blondilocks

Why did your husband confess? Was he looking for your blessing?

Does your husband have an automobile?


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## Gabriel

What a horrific situation. He is going to keep seeing her despite your wishes. Bet


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## Evinrude58

Mrs.Puddleglum said:


> I think there's a more professional way to respond to quotes so that my replies aren't inside of it. Sorry, I'm not very technical. Thank you again for your reply.


I reckon your problem is outside my pay grade, but wishing you luck.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Blondilocks said:


> Why did your husband confess? Was he looking for your blessing?
> 
> Does your husband have an automobile?


Because she started saying she wanted to meet me. She was wondering why he kept postponing it if I was on board. He was thinking it was about time we met each other.
Also, this was when we had a very good time in our relationship. He started sharing more things in general with me. We were very close and had started doing more things with each other. She lives very far from us, in another country that he often goes to, I suspect he wanted her to move closer. And she had been begging him to move together with him. And that's not something he ever wanted. I think he liked having her just sometimes.
She's a professional musician who travels a lot and he'd go to the places where she would be performing.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Evinrude58 said:


> I reckon your problem is outside my pay grade, but wishing you luck.


Thanks. 🍀


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Gabriel said:


> What a horrific situation. He is going to keep seeing her despite your wishes. Bet


Possibly. But according to him she lost interest pretty soon after he broke up with her. I don't trust him much though.


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## Blondilocks

Is it common for Indian men to have mistresses? You didn't answer whether your husband has a car/truck etc. The question was to establish a level of wealth. I really think you need to see a lawyer and learn your options. Also, was this an arranged marriage?


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## aine

Are you a Muslim? If so then mustn’t he be upfront about the possibility of marrying another woman? If not then yiu should get a divorcee and take him to the cleaners. He has lied to yiu for years and acts and Gary calling yiu crazy when yiu quiz h8mm on where he is. He is lying nd still cheating with her. Tell alll your family, friends, expose him for what he is, a lyimg adulterer.


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## Livvie

How many children? What ages?


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## aine

Mrs.Puddleglum said:


> Because she started saying she wanted to meet me. She was wondering why he kept postponing it if I was on board. He was thinking it was about time we met each other.
> Also, this was when we had a very good time in our relationship. He started sharing more things in general with me. We were very close and had started doing more things with each other. She lives very far from us, in another country that he often goes to, I suspect he wanted her to move closer. And she had been begging him to move together with him. And that's not something he ever wanted. I think he liked having her just sometimes.
> She's a professional musician who travels a lot and he'd go to the places where she would be performing.


which country is she from?


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Blondilocks said:


> Is it common for Indian men to have mistresses? You didn't answer whether your husband has a car/truck etc. The question was to establish a level of wealth. I really think you need to see a lawyer and learn your options. Also, was this an arranged marriage?


Neither of us are Indian. We live in a country in North Europe. 
My husband has a car on lease for his company. My last worry would be splitting assets though. We have tree houses and he's written them all in my name. He's an enigma for sure. He's incredibly generous with money. I've never lacked anything and he's made clear that basically all belongings are in my name. He's very detached from wealth himself. Whatever we have extra he likes to give in charity. And he's never bragging to anyone about it, I wasn't even fully aware of it until I got access to our joint bank account and could see how he's using money. He earns very well too.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

aine said:


> which country is she from?


She's from Russia, as is my husband too.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

aine said:


> Are you a Muslim? If so then mustn’t he be upfront about the possibility of marrying another woman? If not then yiu should get a divorcee and take him to the cleaners. He has lied to yiu for years and acts and Gary calling yiu crazy when yiu quiz h8mm on where he is. He is lying nd still cheating with her. Tell alll your family, friends, expose him for what he is, a lyimg adulterer.


No, we're not Muslims. Polygamy isn't normal for us.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Livvie said:


> How many children? What ages?


For anonymity reasons I don't want to get too detailed, but I can say we have around 3 times the avarage amount of children people in Europe usually have. They're between 4 and 20.


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## Openminded

Your country flag appears as India?


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Blondilocks said:


> Also, was this an arranged marriage?


No, we totally fell in love with each other. The first few years were wonderful.


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## Blondilocks

Mrs.Puddleglum said:


> No, we totally fell in love with each other. The first few years were wonderful.


The flag you are flying threw me off as there is no country in northern Europe which flys that flag. Good luck to you.


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## Mrs.Puddleglum

Openminded said:


> Your country flag appears as India?


Yes, but we're not from India. I'm here for some time, it somehow automatically registered India.


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## aine

Mrs.Puddleglum said:


> Neither of us are Indian. We live in a country in North Europe.
> My husband has a car on lease for his company. My last worry would be splitting assets though. We have tree houses and he's written them all in my name. He's an enigma for sure. He's incredibly generous with money. I've never lacked anything and he's made clear that basically all belongings are in my name. He's very detached from wealth himself. Whatever we have extra he likes to give in charity. And he's never bragging to anyone about it, I wasn't even fully aware of it until I got access to our joint bank account and could see how he's using money. He earns very well too.


Apologies, I thought your flag was Indian, hence my question. I think if you are north European then this is a no brainer, appoint an attorney. I know little about Russian culture, is this normal behaviour, I should think not?. I think if you are living separately that is contributing to the issue. He needs sex. Why did you choose to live separately? You are obviously the procreator, he looks after you materially and are the mother of his kids, which he thinks entitles him to do as he pleases. Do you want to live this life? Only you can answer this. You would not be on here if you were able to. If you divorce him will be be so generous with his money? Is your husband some sort of oligarch?


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