# Feelings for OM. How to stop my affair? Advice please



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My mostly emotional but also PA started 2.5 years ago. When he left country, we did see each other more than once a year. We kept in touch online and I did all calling. 
At the beginning, when I felt so much love for him, I did not realize how unfair this was. I was being very selfish. 
My therapist said it was because he woke up feelings I did not feel for long and missed them in my life.

But, after all this time, there is no day I wouldn’t think about my mistake; about my marriage. My husband does not deserve it no matter what happened between us before I met this OM. 

I will be starting MC next week but like most of you already said before, I need to end everything between me and OM. 
The only thing is, I do not know how – emotionally.
I feel so much for him even though it was never perfect. He had some affairs before; he won’t talk about his feelings, was married twice. He also has ED where pills are not working anymore.

Reading after myself makes me wonder why in the world can’t let go?! I tried before. We would not talk for months but then we got back to it. I also worry about him a lot because of his disease which will never be better, just worse. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for me to give up caring about him. I just don’t know.

My H and I talked last night about counseling. I told him that we started to drift apart when he hit me first time, then second, third time; with each name calling, criticism, his anger. He said why I can’t let go of years before.

He asked what I want from counseling. I said we need help to be point right direction on how to work on our problems. He did not like any of my answers I gave him because he wanted to hear that I will change. Just me, no one else. He said we can officially separate. I said nothing. He said no MC for him.

I am very confused right now. I can’t even say I love him the way wife should. 
I do not remember last time I wanted to tell him those words. Maybe 7-8 years ago. But I want to try to save my marriage if it is possible.I want him to be happy with or without me. I am sad for what I became. I messed up big time. And this is no one else’s fault, only mine. I do not want to hurt people around me anymore. They do not deserve that.


My question is, how do I stop being attached to OM, how do I stop having feelings for him, wanted to hear him, care about him? Any advice will by appreciated.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's a high from the excitement and secret nature of the relationship, not real feelings. The only way to make it stop is to cut off ALL contact. Send the OM a letter explaining it was wrong and that you don't wish to talk further. Period. And mean it.

Put that same energy and attention on your husband and marriage. Turn over all phones/email passwords, etc. to your husband to keep you accountable. He can choose to look or not.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So let me see if I got this right:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?
Your husband knows about the affair?
You are currently seperated?
You cannot say that you love your husband?

Please answer all of the above.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Your feelings for him have a life of their own - you have to kill them by strangling them. The way you strangle the life out of them is by maintaining no contact and giving it time. No contact means no facebook stalking, no reading old messages, no nothing. As far as your concerned he never existed. It also means when he enters your thoughts you think of something else. This is hard to do at first but you can teach yourself to do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> Your feelings for him have a life of their own - you have to kill them by strangling them. The way you strangle the life out of them is by maintaining no contact and giving it time. No contact means no facebook stalking, no reading old messages, no nothing. As far as your concerned he never existed. It also means when he enters your thoughts you think of something else. This is hard to do at first but you can teach yourself to do it.


This. Delete his contact info. Change your contact info, so he can't contact you. Admitting to your husband that you had an affair and letting him monitor your activities would likely help too.

C


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MC is a waste of time until you can put OM out of your life. 

You just have to decide to just do it. It is an addiction and like all addictive behavior, each time there is contact, you get the "high" and it sets you back to square one.

You will have withdrawal and you will justify contact in your mind (Just to check on him. Just to make sure he is OK. Just a quick "how are you doing". A quick response to his message). Any contact stops your recovery and sets you back.

You need to stop contact for yourself, not just for your marriage. It sounds like there are enough problems in your marriage without the OM adding to them. It also sounds like you need some IC before MC.

It is standard cheater script to rewrite marital history to justify the affair, but if your husband has gotten physically abusive, there is no excuse for that, however it still does not justify what you have done. Does your husband know about the affair?

You know you have to give up OM if there is any hope for your marriage. IC will help with this if you find a good counselor. Once OM is out of the picture and your mind, then you can work on your marriage.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> So let me see if I got this right:
> 
> You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
> Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?
> ...


Here it is:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Yes

Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?

He did couple times when he was very angry. He said I deserved it. I actually believed him until I found article on emotional and physical abuse. He verbally attacks a lot. He was kinda "joking" about him going to jail before he would agree with divorce. 
One time he had big fun when I was in passenger's seat and bend to fix my shoes. He slams on the brakes and I hit my head. He did that because he thought it would be funny.

Your husband knows about the affair? NO

You are currently seperated? 
He said we are but that happened only yesterday. We stay separated under one roof. We can't afford to get another place. 

You cannot say that you love your husband?
I honestly do not know what I feel for him. I know I love him but it is not same love as I felt when I married him. We dated for 3 years. Married for 10.

Please answer all of the above.[/QUOTE]


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You have bigger problems than worrying about OM if you live with a physical abuser. Your life is in danger. Start carefully planning your escape. Next time he slams on the brakes so you hit your head on the dashboard may kill you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Being clarified on your situation here are few tips:

If and only if he agrees to MC you are to disclose the affair there and only there.

Since he is verbally and physically abusive I would take this chance to be free from him once and for all. This is a good chance for IC and to determine if you love him for real or are in love with the idea of being married.

As for the OM, please just stop all contact with him. Delete you facebook, email and change phone numbers. You will not get the hardwork done in IC if you keep talking with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Amended


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> MC is a waste of time until you can put OM out of your life.
> 
> You just have to decide to just do it. It is an addiction and like all addictive behavior, each time there is contact, you get the "high" and it sets you back to square one.
> 
> ...


I did not rewrite our history. I was actually reading my emails from 2005-2007 I sent to my friend and to online therapist. I felt same way as I do now expect I never thought I would cheat on him.
My husband does not know. I am scared to tell him. I cannot imagine his reaction.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How has your affair helped anything? 
For nearly 3 yrs you have been lying to your husband, yourself, to everyone. It's a farce.

If your husband is abusive, leave.

Don't bring in third parties because affairs solve NOTHING.

Stop saying you dont want to "hurt" anyone when you have been having an affair for almost 3 yrs and show no WILLINGNESS to end it. None whatsoever.

You say you "can't" stop but I disagree. You can. You just choose not to.

This is all your doing.

So be a woman, own it and actually do something to STOP it.

If your husband is abusive, when are you even entertaining marriage counselling at all? What would be the point in staying with a man who beats you?????????????????????????????

Stop bringing in third parties to your already-messed up situation.

Sh*t or get off the pot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband does not know. I am scared to tell him. I cannot imagine his reaction.


And yet you refuse to stop having an affair.

Amazing.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My mostly emotional but also PA started 2.5 years ago. When he left country, we did see each other more than once a year. We kept in touch online and I did all calling.


Out of country booty call, nice....That's how you forget him. He's using you for sex only if you're doing all the chasing. Best kind of booty call ever since you're in another country.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Here it is:
> 
> You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
> Yes
> ...


So why do you stay? If he does this and you refuse to end your affair. Why. Do. You. Stay?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> How has your affair helped anything?
> For nearly 3 yrs you have been lying to your husband, yourself, to everyone. It's a farce.
> 
> If your husband is abusive, leave.
> ...


I do not do pot but that's not the point. 

I did not leave because he did not do it often. He did not hit me because he was having bad day at work. And besides that, he made me believe that I deserved it.
We would fight when he criticized me, I would not know what to do anymore, so I would give him some names. He did not like it and slapped me. 
But there were times when I just made him mad or did not react the way he wanted and he did that. 

But this is not excuse for me cheat, I know.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Leave your husband, abuse should never be tolerated no matter what reason.

As for the OM, trust me, he's using you big time for sex only. He has no intention of ever being with you romantically.

Start over new and learn from this situation. That's just my opinion though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I did not leave because he did not do it often. He did not hit me because he was having bad day at work. And besides that, he made me believe that I deserved it.
> We would fight when he criticized me, I would not know what to do anymore, so I would give him some names. He did not like it and slapped me.
> But there were times when I just made him mad or did not react the way he wanted and he did that.
> 
> But this is not excuse for me cheat, I know.


I hear a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH here (meaning, *excuses*).

You choose to stay in your affair because you want to.
You choose to stay with an abuser because you want to.

You're a grown a$$ woman. If you want something to change, do something about it. 

Good luck because when you keep doing the same, you can expect the same.

I guess my "Give a damn" button is broken today.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So why do you stay? If he does this and you refuse to end your affair. Why. Do. You. Stay?


JellyBeans, because I am with him since I was 17. He was my first love. When I was younger, I could not imagine walk away. 
Later on, I would scream inside of me for getting way out and leave. 
Then I found OM. Messed up everything. I feel guilty for what I did and it made me feel like what if my husband is the best I could have and I am letting him go? 
Everybody loves him, even though they do not know him the way I do. I tried to work on us before. It was ok for few weeks then it was bad again. Same cycle all the time. I did not realize then -how much putting downs do to you.
Now when I tell him not to do things he was used to, he says I am being sensitive - princess like.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I hear a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH here (meaning, *excuses*).
> 
> You choose to stay in your affair because you want to.
> You choose to stay with an abuser because you want to.
> ...


Sorry for breaking you button. Thank you for advice. Even thought I do lots of Bla, I do appreciate it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I apologize i I came across as insensitive. I don't mean to.

The point is: you deserve better than both of thse turds. 

One is an abusive dingbat and the other is a serial cheating loser who has already made it clear there's no future for you together. 

When you actually realize (for yourself) that you are better than both of these situations, and take responsibility, you'll do something about it.

Until then, you are stuck in a status quo of you own making. 

The choice is yours.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You have to separate your cheating and your abusive marriage. IN reality they are the same. You lack self steem, self respect, you have no personal boundaires so you don't have any idea on how to protect yourself from others (Your husband, OM) and from yourself (ongoing affair).
Against my usual advice I ancourage you to hide your affair to your already abusive husband. Maybe the physical abuse stopped but he's still clearly emotionaly/psychological abusive. So self protection this time means don't disclose the affair.
Then treat the two cancers (the one brought upon you and the self inflicted) separately.

*Regarding you question about OM* I'm redirecting you my recent post in some else thread. Take what you need and leave the rest. 
need to talk (type)

Regarding your husband my advice is to get IC to gather strenght and prepare an exit plan. I understand it will take time to start awakening, given you are dealing with it for some time. It means you are not still "ready". You need to take the step to build better boundaires, once again, to fight the abused mentality, to break the cycle. Please, do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your husband.

Tell your husband.

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm giving honest suggestions to help you, because the current path you are on is straight to failure.

Right now he's living in a complete lie - he thinks his marriage might be saved, and that the two of your are honestly working on fix YOUR relationship.

But this is a lie. YOU are working on you and are working of figuring out YOUR relationship with the OM. 

and that is entirely where your time, thoughts, emotions are being spent. 

Your husband need to know that you ARE cheating and that there is abosolutely no hope for the marriage so long as the OM is around, and so long as your entire focus is your affair and the OM.

Ever minute and any money your husband puts into you and the marriage is a waste right down the drain.

Once you've actually told your husband and he knows what the truth about his marriage, you and the future is , then perhaps he can contribute to cleaning up this mess.

It may very well mean that he will D you. He might try to fix the marriage.

I know that if he does try to fix the marriage he will never accept you continuing to cheat.

Perhaps that's the real reason why you won't tell him. Because if he knew, then you'd really have to stop cheating.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

You cannot tell your husband about the OM at this time. He is abusive and unpredictable--and someone who is cruel when unprovoked (slamming brakes to make you hit your head) has limitless potential for violence. You need to leave--as soon as possible. 

The chances of your husband changing his behavior are so slim...almost non-existent. Living a rotation of a few "good" days between days or weeks of he|| will (and, probably, currently is) leave you in a dysfunctional limbo. Your self-esteem is shot, your judgment is impaired. This OM is probably no prize, but was an escape from the abuse you suffer. If you are feeling now that your husband may be the best you are going to find, I can tell you he is NOT. There are so many wonderful men "out there"---leave this abuser, give yourself _time_ (a year or so) to rehabilitate from this abuse~and individual counseling~ and get yourself out of this position. Do everything you can to make a plan, ask for help from family, friends, church--and leave.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> You cannot tell your husband about the OM at this time. He is abusive and unpredictable--and someone who is cruel when unprovoked (slamming brakes to make you hit your head) has limitless potential for violence. You need to leave--as soon as possible.
> 
> The chances of your husband changing his behavior are so slim...almost non-existent. Living a rotation of a few "good" days between days or weeks of he|| will (and, probably, currently is) leave you in a dysfunctional limbo. Your self-esteem is shot, your judgment is impaired. This OM is probably no prize, but was an escape from the abuse you suffer. If you are feeling now that your husband may be the best you are going to find, I can tell you he is NOT. There are so many wonderful men "out there"---leave this abuser, give yourself _time_ (a year or so) to rehabilitate from this abuse~and individual counseling~ and get yourself out of this position. Do everything you can to make a plan, ask for help from family, friends, church--and leave.



This is terrible advice. It's nothing but a plan and rationalizations on why she shouldn't lie and hide the truth from her husband about why the marriage is ending and why she is leaving.

It's full of "honey you're the victim here" and the only thing you need to ever do is take care of yourself, not matter how many lies you need to tell, or what you need to do.

And it just leads back to her justifying why it's OK for her to continue cheating.

Why is it all a woman has to do is label her husband "An abuser" and suddenly the justification gloves come off and she's justified in doing anything INCLUDING having an affair for years?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This is terrible advice. It's nothing but a plan and rationalizations on why she shouldn't lie and hide the truth from her husband about why the marriage is ending and why she is leaving.
> 
> It's full of "honey you're the victim here" and the only thing you need to ever do is take care of yourself, not matter how many lies you need to tell, or what you need to do.
> 
> ...


Dear AwfullyGuilty,

I disagree with Shaggy's comment. As I read your posts, your aren't just "labeling" your H an abuser, he has been abusive, both physically and emotionally:

_"My H and I talked last night about counseling. I told him that we started to drift apart when he hit me first time, then second, third time; with each name calling, criticism, his anger."_ (From your first post.)

_"He did couple times when he was very angry. He said I deserved it. I actually believed him until I found article on emotional and physical abuse. He verbally attacks a lot. He was kinda "joking" about him going to jail before he would agree with divorce. One time he had big fun when I was in passenger's seat and bend to fix my shoes. He slams on the brakes and I hit my head. He did that because he thought it would be funny." _(From your second post.)

_"My husband does not know. I am scared to tell him. I cannot imagine his reaction." _ (From your third post.)

_"He did not hit me because he was having bad day at work. And besides that, he made me believe that I deserved it. We would fight when he criticized me, I would not know what to do anymore, so I would give him some names. He did not like it and slapped me. But there were times when I just made him mad or did not react the way he wanted and he did that."_ (From your fourth post.)

_"I tried to work on us before. It was ok for few weeks then it was bad again. Same cycle all the time. I did not realize then -how much putting downs do to you. Now when I tell him not to do things he was used to, he says I am being sensitive - princess like."_ (From your fifth post.)

Nor are you using your H's abuse as an excuse for your actions, quite the contrary:

_"My husband does not deserve it no matter what happened between us before I met this OM. . . . __I want to try to save my marriage if it is possible. I want him to be happy with or without me. I am sad for what I became. I messed up big time. And this is no one else’s fault, only mine."_ (From your first post.)

_"But this is not excuse for me cheat, I know."_ (From your fourth post.)

Generally, I believe that an unfaithful spouse should confess to her or his husband or wife. But in your case, based upon your history, you must consider whether he might react violently to such information.

Your have two, more or less related problems: (1) you are having an affair and (2) your husband has, at least in the past, seriously abused you. My advice is to deal with them one at a time, as follows:

First, end your affair once and for all. As others have pointed out, this is within your power. There is no way that you can avoid suffering "withdrawal" symptoms, and no one on this site can help you avoid this. The emotional pain is the price you must pay for your actions. Of course, failure to end your affair belies your claim that you want to do the right thing. Moreover, continuing the relationship will prevent you from moving on with your life (as discussed next).

Second, decide what you want for and from your husband. You say, on the one hand, that you no longer love him as you once did and you express frustration that he does not seem to want to improve your relationship but, on the other, claim that you want to try to save your marriage. You need to make up your mind and then follow through with the appropriate actions.

If you decide to try to save your marriage, then you are going to have to come clean with your husband. Given his history of violence, you should do this in a controlled environment (such as in the presence of family or a MC) and have a safe place to go to immediately if his reaction indicates that me may become violent again. If he does not become threatening, you can begin the long, arduous task of rebuilding your marriage and there are many websites that can assist you in this, as can friends, family and religious and professional advisors. Whether you will be successful will depend upon both yours and your husband's commitment to change and ability to forgive.

If you decide to end your marriage, you need to tell your husband this. Again, this should be done in an environment that protects you and how much you tell him is more a question of what will facilitate the desired outcome. The logical next step would be to retain a lawyer and file for divorce, taking steps to ensure that you are safe.

You are in a very difficult situation of your own making, both because of your affair and because you never forced your husband to come to terms with his abusive nature. You can get advice (some good, some not) and emotional comfort from this site but that is all. You will need the help that can only come from trusted family, friends and advisors. Please seek this immediately.

I hope you find this response helpful and wish you the best.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I don't think OP should confess the affair in any kind of enviroment at all.
My advice is to get healthy at all levels; physical/psychological/emotional/spiritual.
It for me means dropping both OM and BH.
As i'm sure she's not ready to understand the choice OM/BH is a false choice ans she's not exit the marriage either, at least for now, what she can do is start dropping OM. It's in her power. Then, as she become more healthy, prepare herself for exiting this abusive marriage without further pain. In order to make that second step she needs to breack the cycle of abuse, to get rid of the victim mentality and slowly become a survivor. She needs intensive, specialized counseling to help her out. A few sessions online with a therapist years ago didn't do the work.

She must divorce her busband because I don't see any chance of an epiphany from BH's part. It can happen. I'm witness. I don't see here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is a violent man and has attacked you multiple times. And this is without him knowing of your affair?  

Should you be with a violent man?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I can't imagine why you would try to justify being in an abusive relationship - either abusive relationship - and both seem to be abusive. You are just romanticizing the affair so it does not appear abusive to you, but it is.

You are an mess emotionally. Drop them both and get some counseling for yourself.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Ordinarily I would straight away agree with telling the husband, however the violence definitely makes a difference.

Still, I don't believe you can fix your marriage without telling him.

You need help from someone who intimately knows your situation, and can help you and, if necessary, support you, and help you keep safe. What you have described is only the tip of the iceberg for how domestic violence can get. I am not an expert, but I have personally know people whose stories were much worse than yours. The danger is whether yours will get worse upon confession. You need to have a good plan for that contingency.

I guess the other option is to leave your husband. 

And yes you need to cut all contact with the affair partner.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not all marriages can be saved.
*Many shouldn't.* This is one.

Friend, I get your husband is the only man you have know, since you were practicaly a child. You so much believe you are not worth more, are used to feel this way for so long, you are accepting what even you know is basicaly the low of the lower.

You admit you are bassicaly addicted to yesterday bread's crumbs.
_"To a starving man, even what is bitter tastes sweet." _

There's a whole world outhere. A better one for you. You deserve it. Go for it. Be brave enough to go for it. Follow the steps. Get healthy. Choose health.

Be brave.
Drop OM
Break the cycle.
Get out.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> This is terrible advice. It's nothing but a plan and rationalizations on why she shouldn't lie and hide the truth from her husband about why the marriage is ending and why she is leaving.
> 
> It's full of "honey you're the victim here" and the only thing you need to ever do is take care of yourself, not matter how many lies you need to tell, or what you need to do.
> 
> ...


The affair pales in comparison to the abuse, and the potential for abuse, and my opinion is that she shouldn't even attempt to discuss anything with her husband. An abuser is usually a control freak, irrational, illogical, and unpredictable. She needs to leave as soon as she can. Once she is safe, if she feels the need to reveal the affair, she will be able to--but in an environment that is protective of her.

I have not read AG's posts as justifying her affair, and I have posted nothing to support her justifying the affair.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

> I feel so much for him even though it was never perfect. He had some affairs before; he won’t talk about his feelings, was married twice. He also has ED where pills are not working anymore.


1. Sorry but I couldn't understand if this refers to you H or OM?
2. Is your H really an abuser? Any more incidents like this?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

akashNil said:


> 1. Sorry but I couldn't understand if this refers to you H or OM?
> 2. Is your H really an abuser? Any more incidents like this?


1. That refers to OM.
2. It is hard to explain those incidents because he made me feel he is not abuser and I deserved it the way I behaved towards him.
We are married 10 years, since that he he slapped me more than couple times, grabbed me by neck, head, arm. I remember him actually holding my hand as lovers but clenching my palm each time he did not like something. Or when he was holding me and I could not keep up with his fast walking pace he would hold on my hand, clench it and drag me behind him. I felt like little child those days. But, for most of the days, he just walk 5-10 feet ahead of me. 
He called me names and I am guilty as well of doing that, but when he would do that for any little reason. He would tell me how to do things, ask me for opinion or choose something and then, when I do my pick, he will do what he wanted based on his decision. Then why does he bother to ask me? He could criticize me all day long, belittle me at public, make fun of me and telling intimate things to others. 

I do not want to think people this is my excuse for cheating, because it is not and it happened long time before I met OM.

And besides this, my H is really good man, I can't take that from him. I guess, he just have issues he won't admit.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> 1
> We are married 10 years, since that he he slapped me more than couple times, grabbed me by neck, head, arm. I remember him actually holding my hand as lovers but clenching my palm each time he did not like something. Or when he was holding me and I could not keep up with his fast walking pace he would hold on my hand, clench it and drag me behind him. I felt like little child those days. But, for most of the days, he just walk 5-10 feet ahead of me.
> He called me names and I am guilty as well of doing that, but when he would do that for any little reason. He would tell me how to do things, ask me for opinion or choose something and then, when I do my pick, he will do what he wanted based on his decision. Then why does he bother to ask me? He could criticize me all day long, belittle me at public, make fun of me and telling intimate things to others.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What are your plans, AwfullyGuilty?
About OM.
About getting counseling, about getting healthy.
About facing your husband abusive behavior.


ETA 
Have you read the link i posted earlier?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

well you stop feelings the same way you stopped feelings for your husband - you avoid him, treat him like an object, like he does not exist, cripes it is not hard .....you have done it once before.

the way my stbxw treated me when she was involved with this guy was like i did not ever exist....it killed any hope of reconciling...cripes it cant be that hard the other way......UNLESS you do not want it to end and in that case be honest with yourself....you do not want it to end and in that case let your husband kno so he's not blind-sided again. Id prefer the truth over dishonesty anyday.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

t: Your husband is an ABUSER OF Women. This is a Crime. Your first priority is to get away from him and find somewhere safe, An abused Woman's shelter. Do not ever let someone Hit you and you do nothing about it, No one deserves to be HIT by a spouse.

Second: Stop the Affair, until you protect yourself and get your life in order you are spinning out of control and are going to put yourself at Risk by doing this and bottom line no matter what your husband does, IT IS WRONG and hurts you mentally and emotionally.

GET HELP NOW!!!


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What are your plans, AwfullyGuilty?
> About OM.
> About getting counseling, about getting healthy.
> About facing your husband abusive behavior.
> ...


I did! And I really appreciate pointing that out. I did not finish it yet but I will. 

What are my plans?
I am starting my own counseling session tomorrow and hope it will help me find a strength to do right decisions.
I want to get healthy and start to love myself as many of you pointed out. It was big pill to swallow but I am glad I learn something about myself and what my problem was for this whole time.

I do not talk OM these days. And I am not going to. Hopefully it will get easier with each day. 
The only thing which worries me about myself is the fact, that I care about his health too much. It makes me worry, so I always have to check on him if he is alright. 
I don't know. It is really hard to explain what I mean. 

About my husband - I will see after talking to counselor. 
He does not believe or take any responsibility for his actions. It seems he is in denial. 
I got me "why does he do that" book and I really believe it will help me deal with my situation better.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> well you stop feelings the same way you stopped feelings for your husband - you avoid him, treat him like an object, like he does not exist, cripes it is not hard .....you have done it once before.
> 
> the way my stbxw treated me when she was involved with this guy was like i did not ever exist....it killed any hope of reconciling...cripes it cant be that hard the other way......UNLESS you do not want it to end and in that case be honest with yourself....you do not want it to end and in that case let your husband kno so he's not blind-sided again. Id prefer the truth over dishonesty anyday.


Bigtone,

I do not treat my H like he does not exist. I do care a lot about him. 
And I now he does not deserve it. 
I should know that before anything happened. But I did not because I was selfish and looking for my way out. I use to think this OM will give me strength to do so. 
Now I know I should look for answer in me. I should work or walk out on my marriage before. I messed up my life big time by getting involved with OM. 
Even my therapist told me that she does not think I would be happy with him.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Bigtone,
> 
> I do not treat my H like he does not exist. I do care a lot about him.
> And I now he does not deserve it.
> ...


Fact is - by having an affair you did treat him like that. All these other issues were there - and for me a typical female response ie. "I was abused and thus affair was okay". Fact is, if you were abused you should have left first. THEN dealt with it and then pursued another relationship. My sister and ex did the same thing, cheated then all this accusations of abuse came out.....
Affairs are the ultimate trump card - anything else pails in comparison. 
You mention you cant stop feelings for OM - well the OM is the MAN now if your marriage is over. But my sense is you want to save the marriage now - so the obvious question is "If the marriage was SO bad - why do you want it back?" Truth is probably it was not that bad - not perfect but not THAT bad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

bigtone128 said:


> Fact is - by having an affair you did treat him like that. All these other issues were there - and for me a typical female response ie. "I was abused and thus affair was okay". Fact is, if you were abused you should have left first. THEN dealt with it and then pursued another relationship. My sister and ex did the same thing, cheated then all this accusations of abuse came out.....
> Affairs are the ultimate trump card - anything else pails in comparison.
> You mention you cant stop feelings for OM - well the OM is the MAN now if your marriage is over. But my sense is you want to save the marriage now - so the obvious question is "If the marriage was SO bad - why do you want it back?" Truth is probably it was not that bad - not perfect but not THAT bad.


Why are affairs the ultimate trump card?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Fact is - by having an affair you did treat him like that. All these other issues were there - and for me a typical female response ie. "I was abused and thus affair was okay". Fact is, if you were abused you should have left first. THEN dealt with it and then pursued another relationship. My sister and ex did the same thing, cheated then all this accusations of abuse came out.....
> Affairs are the ultimate trump card - anything else pails in comparison.
> You mention you cant stop feelings for OM - well the OM is the MAN now if your marriage is over. But my sense is you want to save the marriage now - so the obvious question is "If the marriage was SO bad - why do you want it back?" Truth is probably it was not that bad - not perfect but not THAT bad.


Not sure that affairs trump domestic violence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

If there is domestic violence - the spouse should address that in whatever avenue he/she feels - NOT by having an affair.

When the affair happens - everything else pales in comparison.

Also, I highly doubt one who is involved in an affair is worried about domestic violence. My experience is that one has an affair and then drudges up ANY misdeed of the other to justify the affair. 

Surprisingly, she wants back in this "domestic violent" situation.

There is such a thing as domestic violence but most spouses I knew who were in it - were too frightened to have an affair and were just focused on getting out of the relationship. Not having an affair.

The rest, in my opinion (and I am entitled to it), are blameshifting mechanisms.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> There is such a thing as domestic violence but most spouses I knew who were in it - were too frightened to have an affair and were just focused on getting out of the relationship. Not having an affair.


My experience is exactly the opposite. As a matter of fact is perfectly understandable (not justificable). If abused have no self respect, no boundaries, no self steem the chances the are going to cherat are very high.
Also looking to a KISA to rescue them is a very natural scanario.


bigtone128, I get where you come from: Story rewriting, demonization of the betrayed partner, excuses, justifications... fog. We tend to take everything waywars write with a grain of salt. It's understandable.

It happens that some BS are also abusive. Really. It's a matter of statistics.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> If there is domestic violence - the spouse should address that in whatever avenue he/she feels - NOT by having an affair.


 Plese, read. Not the case.



> When the affair happens - everything else pales in comparison.


I highly disagree.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> If there is domestic violence - the spouse should address that in whatever avenue he/she feels - NOT by having an affair.
> 
> When the affair happens - everything else pales in comparison.
> U
> ...


Not in any way supporting or excusing blameshifting, but if you have seen someone hospitalised by a violent partner it's hard to forget. The OP's case doesn't sound that serious, at least not yet. But you are entitled to your opinion, and I an equally entitled to disagree. I suspect beating your spouse to a bleeding pulp damages trust and betrays love as much as sleeping with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Okay, I get it but I have known (and read about) numerous spouses who "claim" abuse (as a matter of fact my STBXW claimed that she was "terrified to death of me" the last day I saw her and I was startled as there was no violence in our relationship - luckily my son was willing to state there was none - what she was afraid of was the fallout from her affair) when in fact there is none. I have two friends who are defense attorneys and they say it is one of the oldest tricks in the books - claim abuse so you get custody, get a record, get the house, etc....

The abuse I was referring to was my wife going back and picking through our 27 year relationship for instances when I behaved poorly and used them to paint an unflattering picture of myself. I said to her over the course of 27 years there will be many instances of poor behaviour - pick one. As I could with her. Point being she was looking for an excuse. So any example she could come up with pales in comparison to her affair.

I am not referring to someone being beat like a pulp - obviously.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> He also has ED where pills are not working anymore.
> 
> I am very confused right now. I can’t even say I love him the way wife should.
> 
> My question is, how do I stop being attached to OM, how do I stop having feelings for him, wanted to hear him, care about him? Any advice will by appreciated.


Sorry for some hard facts.

You seem to have checked out mentally due to his(OM's) ED and other (whatever) deceases. Now he is of no use to you. *You got one Psycho man and another Sick man.* Both of them are of no use to you.

Would you have thought of leaving the OM if he was in his prime health and sexually wonderful? Probably then the equation would have been different.

Whatever decision you take, you won't have peace of mind. 
Maybe you can treat these two things as separate issues. It will be easier for you.

1. Tell about your affair (ALL DETAILS) to your H. Maybe at such a location where he can't abuse you physically. You should be extra careful during and after this.
2. After this, definitely your H will go in deep a frustration. He himself will decide to go for a D, or work on his issues to become a better H. 

And also, I do not think that even you consider him(H) as a physical abuser.

Just my 2 cents.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

akashNil said:


> Sorry for some hard facts.
> 
> You seem to have checked out mentally due to his(OM's) ED and other (whatever) deceases. Now he is of no use to you. *You got one Psycho man and another Sick man.* Both of them are of no use to you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your 2 cents. I wonder about last sentence. I am not sure how to take it. I guess it is because of English being second language for me or IDK.
Do you mean that I do not believe he is abusive because he actually is not? Or?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I do not want to blame my H for my mistake. It is not his fault, only mine. I choose to cheat because I did not know any better. I thought it will help me somehow to leave. I was unhappy long time before I met OM. 
I did not leave my husband because I thought I deserved his verbal and some physical abuse. I say some because I never ended up in hospital or was beat on regular basis as some of you said. 

I know there are much worse cases of abuse. He never made me feel afraid for my life but made me feel like unworthy human living. 
That is what my therapist said. I started to believe that I am what he was telling me to be. Ugly names, stupid, not able to do anything right. 

But, it does not matter. I did mistake and I will pay for it.
Today is my first session with MC therapist and I cannot wait to see him.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

akashNil said:


> Sorry for some hard facts.
> 
> You seem to have checked out mentally due to his(OM's) ED and other (whatever) deceases. Now he is of no use to you. *You got one Psycho man and another Sick man.* Both of them are of no use to you.
> 
> ...


"You seem to have checked out mentally due to his(OM's) ED and other (whatever) deceases."

Not sure about this one as well. Sorry. Can you explain what you mean?


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> "You seem to have checked out mentally due to his(OM's) ED and other (whatever) deceases."
> 
> Not sure about this one as well. Sorry. Can you explain what you mean?


I meant that his ED is possibly one of the reasons for your reduced interest in him.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

akashNil said:


> I meant that his ED is possibly one of the reasons for your reduced interest in him.


Oh...I don't think it is. I knew about his(OM's) ED problem long before we became intimate. And then, when I knew it for 100%, I felt same way about him. I could just sit close to him and be happy. Something I did not feel with my husband for years. Sad, but true. 
Still, no excuse to cheat.


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