# emotionally unavailable men and assclowns......



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, this has become my research topic of the day. I've come to realize that I have picked emotionally unavailable men my whole life. Well, ok, I was with the same man for 25 years, but after the end of my marriage, I have continued to pick men who are just not EA. For those who don't know my story, I met a man several months ago, and we "dated" for about 5 months. Bottom line, he wasn't ready for a relationship, and I ended things about a month ago.

Since the end of my marriage, I have dated a few emotionally unavailable men, and didn't even realize it. The first was typical, he didn't trust women etc. that was due to the failure of his marriage. It just seems like the recurrant theme is that they blow "hot and cold", and exhibit "disappearing" behavior when they feel they are getting too close to another person.

What I haven't figured out quite yet, is if I myself am emotionally unavailable, and is that why I have attracted similar men?? so, yes, I had an absent father for the most part, but does that really play such a large role??

Ok, that being said, what are other women's experiences with unavailable men?? I'm asking because I'm new in the dating world, and still trying to find myself, re-define myself as no longer married, but single. I find myself in a much better place 8 months later, and am in no rush to enter a life long relationship, but I'm kind of fed up with meeting the "wrong" men, and I would like to spot those emotionally unavailable men right at the get go, and not become "stuck".


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I think that everyone the second time around is very afraid to be hurt again, men and women. A friend of ours who is divorced recently dumped a woman, only because he was afraid that she was about to dump him! How sad is that. He may have just misread her signals.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Working, I hear ya. 

This is what I've figured out: If you're seeing a guy and you're about 3 months in and he hasn't made it clear whether you're boyf/girlf yet, then he's not that into you. 

Another thing: the moment someone starts blowing hot and cold, either call them on it or cut them loose. For real. Don't waste your time. It's much easier to do this around the 3 month mark, I think, because you haven't gotten that strong of an attachment yet and they will be more easily forgotten.

As for you wondering if it's YOU who's emotionally unavailable, delve into that a little further. I have often wondered that about myself. 

But... don't be too hard on yourself. You were with someone for 25 yrs. Most people, especially nowadays, will never have a relationship that long. You are what is considered an anomaly, IMO. Relationships (especially for this new generation) don't seem to last that long now. And you dated someone 5 months after a divorce, no big deal. You need to get the rebound(s) out of the way. 

So again, my advice is that if you are seeing someone and they start acting funny and you pick up on it (face it, we always pick up on it--it's a human instinct to know when something feels off or you feel taken for granted or not valued), say: 

_Ya know, I've noticed X lately. And it makes me feel like Y. If we are going to continue seeing eachother, I want Z. If you're not down w/ that, then that's ok, but otherwise, this won't work for me._

Kapiche. It's no pressure, no ultimatum, and it states your boundaries. 

Keep on living, girl. There are 7 billion people on this glorious planet Earth. You WILL meet someone else.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

One of the reasons I thought I might be emotionally unavailable is that I seem to be attracted to the men who are cold, or not expressive, or don't show they care. I'm not sure if this stems from my marriage, and the dysfunction of it, but I recently went on two dates with someone, he was "ok", he was into me, but it was over the top, he even mentioned that he thought I would be "perfect" to introduce to his daughter...wtf? I don't know you. I obviously couldn't say the things he was saying, you know, the compliments etc. I felt nothing. I just think it was the extreme of the assclowns I dated, over the top. But then I wondered if I'm just crazy and not used to hearing those nice words, and I get off on those men that are unattainable, and I have to work at getting them to like me etc.

Blah, I'm just effed up, always wanting those I can't have, and not interested in the "easy" ones.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Working, I hear ya.
> 
> This is what I've figured out: If you're seeing a guy and you're about 3 months in and he hasn't made it clear whether you're boyf/girlf yet, then he's not that into you.
> 
> ...


I agree with the three month mark, any longer and feelings start to develop for sure. Yeah, I won't let it get beyond that again.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

working_together said:


> Blah, I'm just effed up, always wanting those I can't have, and not interested in the "easy" ones.


You're "man-picker" is broken, but it CAN be repaired. I have been with the all-time greats in the Hall of Fame A$$holes of the Universe. Misogynists, pathological liars, mommies' boys, control freaks, abusers, narcissists, alcoholics ... ad nauseum.

I took a break from men and got into serious therapy. I found out that I was used to what I grew up with, even though I didn't care for the environment in which I lived as a child. My dad was a workaholic, rarely home, and seemed to think I was some sort of cute little doll to parade out in front of his amused familly and friends. Mom? She was simply nuckin' futs.

I not only had what is called "repetition compulsion" to right the wrongs of my childhood, but I was actually comfortable with emotionally distant and/or crazy kinds of men. I grew up with it. It sucked. But it WAS familiar.

I also tend to gravitate towards the emotionally-distant man. I'm not that comfortable being up close and in-your-face when it comes to emotional nakedness, although I always proclaimed to want that special bond. I do feel comfortable with more distance than others. I just needed to adjust my need, and recognize when I was over-compensating, in order to have the type of relationships that nurture (rather than torture) me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> I recently went on two dates with someone, he was "ok", he was into me, but it was over the top, he even mentioned that he thought I would be "perfect" to introduce to his daughter...wtf? I don't know you.


:rofl:

So I guess you didn't go out on another date with him?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> So I guess you didn't go out on another date with him?


lol, nope. It just seems like a crazy world out there, people either want total comittment, or casual, no strings attached relationships.

At least I'm more in touch with what I want and don't want, and I'm at least having a good laughs at the idiots out there. lol


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

working_together said:


> yes, I had an absent father for the most part, but does that really play such a large role??


YES it plays a huge role. We gravitate towards the familiar. You are actually attracted to the absent men because you think subconsciously this time you'll get it right and daddy will stay. It's totally codependent and totally fixable.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> YES it plays a huge role. We gravitate towards the familiar. You are actually attracted to the absent men because you think subconsciously this time you'll get it right and daddy will stay. It's totally codependent and totally fixable.


I guess it makes sense, but I also put up a wall sometimes as well. I think I'm afraid of letting someone in that might end up leaving, or becoming abusive towards me. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship definately affected my self-esteem, and I'm be damned if I let myself ever be a "surrended wife" again, I feel I gave everything I had in that relationship, and for what??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

working_together said:


> I guess it makes sense, but I also put up a wall sometimes as well. I think I'm afraid of letting someone in that might end up leaving, or becoming abusive towards me. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship definately affected my self-esteem, and I'm be damned if I let myself ever be a "surrended wife" again, I feel I gave everything I had in that relationship, and for what??


I know the feeling. Been there done that and have the hefty therapy bill to prove it. LOL

It's hard to explain in a post but walls won't stop people from hurting you. Well they will sorta but then you also can't feel love either. That wall works both ways. It blocks hurt and love.

If you find your center you'll recognize the signs sooner that someone is abusive earlier and RUN. Also when you find your center and have inner strength abusers will run from you as well. Why? Because you won't put up with it and it will show in how you carry yourself, your tone, your words, everything. You will then be free to love as much as you want because you will know that if someone dares to cross your boundary you WILL deal with it.

This paragraph is you giving your power away. Take it back.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess if I got hurt from the relationship I had for 5 months, I did open up somewhat, so I know I feel, I know I can care about someone. When it's not recipricated, then I become angry and resentful, but I also try to make things better, make myself better. With my ex, I paid for two trips to make him happier, I stayed home for a while with young kids because he wanted that, I became the lover he wanted....it was never enough. And then, I do the same thing with this last guy, the exact same things....grrr. I kept thinking that if I became some crazy sedructress, was sweet, passive etc. that he will eventually fall in love with me. After reading tons of literature, they can't, and it doesn't happen unless they want it to.

And I'm not a passive person, I fall somewhere in the middle, so that's where I end up losing myself in relationships, I need to be who I am...acept it or move on.

Women still believe they can change a man, and intellectally I know I can't, but then I got stuck trying to do just that...blahhh


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you considered just being you? 

It seems like you give to get and that never works.

And when you meet a man know that what you see is what you get. They rarely change. I've been married for 21 years and he's almost exactly the same as the day we met. Seriously.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

The best way to deal with an emotionally unavailable man is make yourself less available to him. 

Works every time because men like the chase and they quickly lose respect for a woman who loves them more.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> The best way to deal with an emotionally unavailable man is make yourself less available to him.
> 
> Works every time because men like the chase and they quickly lose respect for a woman who loves them more.


There are rules to dating that need to be followed to increase your odds of finding Mr. Right that's true but I think what she's talking about are hard core emotionally unavailable men. These are men who have been damaged in some way either in childhood or by ex's. It's unlikely they will change and nobody wants to spend their whole relationship playing hard to get. That's exhausting.

I don't know the timeline but until the relationship is exclusive and serious then yes you need to balance being too available with his need to chase. At some point though he's supposed to catch the girl and then all this game playing should end. I have ZERO interest in being less available to my own husband. I didn't get married to act single.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> The best way to deal with an emotionally unavailable man is make yourself less available to him.


Boom! Exactly! :iagree:

That's why I said to either call them out on it or cut them loose. That way there is no time-wasting. 

If a guy is into you, he will let you know. 

Also, I suggest mirroring a man's actions. If he is calling, call him. If he invites you out, invite him out. If he's becoming scarce, do the same.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Interesting. As an emotionally stunted man I always wondered how women took it. So I'm guessing somewhere in the middle is the desirable spot?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Interesting. As an emotionally stunted man I always wondered how women took it. So I'm guessing somewhere in the middle is the desirable spot?


This is a good question. I dated a guy once who was VERY emotional. I personally didn't like as I found it overwhelming. I broke up with him after he started planning our life together. I loved him but felt smothered. As a result I lost my feelings for him. I personally need freedom and space. Not a lot of space but some yes. I could never be with a needy man.

Of course I'm emotionally stunted myself so I'm uncomfortable with strong emotions anyway. I think the key is to match the other persons intensity. Think rubber band. If they pull away you pull away if they move close you move close. It's a delicate dance to balance being emotionally available without coming across as needy or going to the other extreme which is unavailable. Extremes are never good.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This is a good question. I dated a guy once who was VERY emotional. I personally didn't like as I found it overwhelming. I broke up with him after he started planning our life together. I loved him but felt smothered. As a result I lost my feelings for him. I personally need freedom and space. Not a lot of space but some yes. I could never be with a needy man.
> 
> Of course I'm emotionally stunted myself so I'm uncomfortable with strong emotions anyway. I think the key is to match the other persons intensity. Think rubber band. If they pull away you pull away if they move close you move close. It's a delicate dance to balance being emotionally available without coming across as needy or going to the other extreme which is unavailable. Extremes are never good.


I've never been a touchy / feely kind of guy. Never had the need to talk about my "feelings" either. If asked I'm either happy, sad, or hungry. Sorry there is really nothing deeper then that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> I've never been a touchy / feely kind of guy. Never had the need to talk about my "feelings" either. If asked I'm either happy, sad, or hungry. Sorry there is really nothing deeper then that.


Why is it that women like Pidge and me manage to find men like you to marry? My husband is the same way and it kinda drives me crazy sometimes. It makes me doubt his feelings for me since as you say there is nothing deeper than happy, sad or hungry.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> The best way to deal with an emotionally unavailable man is make yourself less available to him.
> 
> Works every time because men like the chase and they quickly lose respect for a woman who loves them more.


I am going to disagree here. 

I told my ex's, and current wife, if I feel like you are playing games with me, I am not going to play them back. If you got something to say, tell me. 
I'll chase in the beggining, but if I still have to chase 3-months in and I consider us bf/gf, then I'll let you win the game. Because I am going to find someone else. 

Just my opinion though.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Why is it that women like Pidge and me manage to find men like you to marry? My husband is the same way and it kinda drives me crazy sometimes. It makes me doubt his feelings for me since as you say there is nothing deeper than happy, sad or hungry.


I worded that wrong. LOL There is more but I lack the words to describe it . There is nothing deeper , hidden or secret is what I mean. If I say " I love you" I do, There are no layers or hidden meaning. Plus there is the question of why what I'm thinking or feeling at any given moment is so damn important.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm not talking about long-term relationships or marriages. I would never get to the point of being involved that long. 5 months was long enough, and I knew at 2 months what it was all about, just figured things would change. I'm talking more about the dating crap, and the beginning of relationships. 

I do agree with making one's self less available, but on the other hand I don't play those games, I am down to earth, and if I like the person, why the hell am I playing hard to get....??blahhhh

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated, I feel more dates coming on, and more unavailable men coming into my life, the difference is that I won't wait long this time....lol and I'm better at spotting them now.

I guess there's a plus to dating after all, it's all about learning.


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