# Am I overreacting?!



## Allconfused (Aug 26, 2010)

I'm sorry, but this may be a bit long. I have a lot that has been going through my head. I am not even sure where to begin. I just need someone to be honest with me and tell me if I am being stupid or overreacting.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have two beautiful children together...13 and 4. We met when I was a senior in high school and three months after we started dating I became pregnant with our oldest. 

Over the last 3 - 3 1/2 years I have been becoming more and more resentful towards him. I have had been several thoughts of leaving. Lately though they have been more frequent. 

I have always been one to please people and for many years I did everything in my power to please him...pretty much any form or fashion he wanted. I would give in and let him have his way all the time. I did it because I wanted to make him happy, but over time I have realized it doesn't seem like he makes the same effort to make me happy. I have found him to be very selfish and only out to make sure he is satisfied.

This is part of a letter I wrote to him. It should give you some background as to what I am feeling and what I have told him.

1.	Trust – We need to be able to trust each other. When we ask something, we should not have to wonder in the back of our minds if it is the truth or the whole truth. Without trust a relationship will not work. 
2.	Money – If you do not feel the amount you are receiving as your budget for the week is fair, let’s discuss it. I know our point of views will vary and we will have to find common ground. It is not impossible though. Also, if there is something you want we can work together to get it. It should not only be an individual effort. We are a family and as a family we should work to get it together. I believe together we need to sit down and see what our financial goals are. If we do not both have the same goals it makes it difficult to agree on where the money should go. 
3.	Respect – Calling me names, making rude jesters, and any other type of snide remarks hurt even if you are just joking. Also, when you lie and take money this also shows a lack of respect I feel. 
4.	Teamwork – I feel we need to work on our teamwork. I believe sometimes we both have our own ways of thinking and we need to have one common idea instead of two separate ones. (I.e. raising the kids, money, chores, our future, etc.)
5.	Selfishness – We are a family. As a family we are one. There are no individuals. We need to put the family before ourselves. I’m not saying we can not need or want something for ourselves, but when making a decision the family does need to be considered and not just for a moment.
6.	Agreement – An agreement should not be made unless it is going to be stuck to. When we come to agreement on how things should be handled and we commit to the other person it will be done, it needs to be followed through with. This goes back to trust and respect.
7.	Family – I understand you love your family very much, but I still feel I come second to them. I do not feel like I have ever been put first before their needs or wants. 
8.	Friends –You know I have always kept the number of people I consider friends to a small number. I do not pick my friends based upon status, but on personality and heart. We both need someone to talk to and someone we can turn to other than each other. I should have the right to go out with my friends on occasion and not limit who I can be friends with due to their status.
9.	Physical Attraction – I try to take pride in my appearance so you will be attracted to me. I do not feel you take this same pride to be sure I am attracted to you. You know I am not saying I expect you to be ripped. I have never and would never expect that. However, I do think there is a need to take more of an interest in keeping me physically attracted. Please don’t read that as I find you revolting or something, I just feel you could make more of an effort than what you do.
10.	Equality – Both of our needs should be met in our relationship. We should both be able to be happy and content with what we are giving and receiving in the relationship. At this time, I do not feel equal. I do not feel all my needs are being met.
11.	Consistency – I do not feel there is consistency in your actions. It seems to me that you are consistent when I constantly have to say something or keep you going the right direction. I do not feel I should have to do this. You are a grown man and need to be responsible for your own actions. When I have to keep on you, I feel like I am your mother or nagging wife instead of your partner. 
12.	Patience – Being a husband and wife, we need to have patience. We will both have bad days, but the good should far out weight the bad. We should be there for each other instead of getting aggravated that the other is having a bad day or you are not being paid enough attention. With being parents, we need even more patience. Kids will be kids. You have heard that saying many times in your life. There is a reason for that. They are going to be loud, make messes, break things, not call when they should and whatever else you can think of. They do not need to be made to feel small because of something they did. They should be taught why they should not do it or to do it differently. Making mistakes is how we grow and learn. There should be almost no reason to yell or get angry with them for discovering something new.
13.	Encouragement – I do not feel I am encouraged and made to feel good about myself. I am not saying you never say nice things, but when the opposite is done (which happens more often) it does not make me feel I am worth anything. My self-esteem is damaged by this.

Now with all of that being out there, I do not feel I should have to put up with all of this. Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Are these valid complaints? Am I overreacting? Are these all things that married people go through? If not, how long do I give him to change? What if he does it for a while and then goes back to the old way? (There seems to be a pattern of him reverting back to old habits.) I am just so confused!


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Hi All Confused. My list is so similar, the differences being that we have been together for 6 years and have no kids (although he has one from a previous marriage). When I told my sister we were separating, she said something which meant a lot to me. She's had a lot of problems in her marriage and resigns herself to the fact that this is the way her life is, and she said to me "I think it's brave of you to want more." 
It's not like I'm asking for a castle in the clouds, an endless summer or a trip to the moon. These things are simple and he ignores them. So does your H by the sounds of it. It's called emotional laziness. 
I recommend counselling. We went to counselling for a number of months, but he was not receptive to it. But it can work for you so I would do it. Sometimes, even though it p!sses us off no end, for some reason your voice goes unheard, but when a counsellor says it, it has more stick.


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