# Help please. Prostitute use.



## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

I am a female age 59 partner age 58. We recently undertook a huge construction project and built his dream business building, and bought a 98 acre farm. Sold my house (it was mine alone) May 30. Found out June 10 partner had been using prostitutes for the past 2.5 years. Korean sex traded late teens/twenties prostitutes. We have been together 19 years and I had vaginal changes after menopause 5 yrs ago, and a prior breast cancer which prohibited hormone use to remedy, so could no longer have vaginal intercourse... but was willing and able at all other levels. So much I could include..that we were finally planning to get married in September, how I worked to build his business and create the building he wanted and support him while he was out fing hookers, how I tried to be the best partner I knew how, how he had slowly withdrawn from affection and sensuality over the years, how we now have huge entanglements that have to be figured out, how absolutely awful it feels to know he was able to come home and sleep with me for all that time after using prostitutes. It would be hard to express the level of anguish, gut wrenching pain and immense sadness, grief, depression this has caused. My sense of reality is distorted and there are two weeks when it happened I can no longer remember. I am amazed he could contribute to the depraved misuse of another human being. I have lost respect and trust for him (the two things I valued most), lost the future I thought we had, lost who I thought was my best friend, life partner, and lost sense of joy and belonging in the world.

At this level of damage is it just - done? Move on and get over it? Has anyone any stories from perhaps a year or two the other side of a situation like this? My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on. He has vowed regardless of what I decide to do to never use prostitutes or cheat again. We are both seeing counselors. He tells me he has always had deep seated confidence issues he didn't want to share with me, anxiety/depression. Held up a mask. Said he felt he couldn't talk to me (I would have welcomed it) and somehow did this to satisfy his urge for vaginal intercourse without "hurting my feelings". My gut wrenches even reading that. How does anyone trust a cheating, betraying, low character/no morale compass person like he has shown himself to be?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

DoneIn, I am so very sorry for the pain and anguish that you are feeling. Being betrayed by my husband hurts more than anything I have ever experienced before, but I can only imagine what you must be feeling, given your circumstances.

I am not sure that I can offer advice that is entirely relevant, but I would share one thing with you. It is that you don't have to make any decisions now. When we first find out something so awful, the feeling of being without foundation or direction and adrift in pain is massive. We have this incredible need to make decisions and resolve things, as though by doing this, we can make the pain go away. I have not found this to be true. Your heart and mind are bruised and broken by what you have found out. You need to work through some of that pain to be able to see clearly through to the other side. Whatever that may be. I cannot imagine that anyone would dispute your right to walk away, if that is what you decide is the best thing for you. But you need to decide that from a basis of calm reason, not deep pain. Understanding what such a decision practically means is going to take time. You should give yourself as much as you need. Being able to see a situation more objectively gives a sense of peace in the decisions we make and in facing the consequences/outcomes of those decisions. 

It concerns me that you feel any pressure from your counsellor in either direction. Ultimately, this decision is not his/hers to make. It is yours and yours alone. The human heart has a great capacity for forgiveness and reconciliation under the right circumstances. But you are completely right that binding ourselves to anyone requires trust and respect. Sometimes seeing someone clearly shows us that we never loved them and could never love them as we thought we did. And sometimes it shows us something different. 

Just make very certain that you carry no guilt or shame for your partner's choices and behaviour. There is nothing that you are, or are not, that justifies his actions. Nothing that you could have done or been that would have made him more than what he is.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

DoneIn said:


> I am a female age 59 partner age 58. We recently undertook a huge construction project and built his dream business building, and bought a 98 acre farm. Sold my house (it was mine alone) May 30. Found out June 10 partner had been using prostitutes for the past 2.5 years. Korean sex traded late teens/twenties prostitutes. We have been together 19 years and I had vaginal changes after menopause 5 yrs ago, and a prior breast cancer which prohibited hormone use to remedy, so could no longer have vaginal intercourse... but was willing and able at all other levels. So much I could include..that we were finally planning to get married in September, how I worked to build his business and create the building he wanted and support him while he was out fing hookers, how I tried to be the best partner I knew how, how he had slowly withdrawn from affection and sensuality over the years, how we now have huge entanglements that have to be figured out, how absolutely awful it feels to know he was able to come home and sleep with me for all that time after using prostitutes. It would be hard to express the level of anguish, gut wrenching pain and immense sadness, grief, depression this has caused. My sense of reality is distorted and there are two weeks when it happened I can no longer remember. I am amazed he could contribute to the depraved misuse of another human being. I have lost respect and trust for him (the two things I valued most), lost the future I thought we had, lost who I thought was my best friend, life partner, and lost sense of joy and belonging in the world.
> 
> 
> 
> At this level of damage is it just - done? Move on and get over it? Has anyone any stories from perhaps a year or two the other side of a situation like this? My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on. He has vowed regardless of what I decide to do to never use prostitutes or cheat again. We are both seeing counselors. He tells me he has always had deep seated confidence issues he didn't want to share with me, anxiety/depression. Held up a mask. Said he felt he couldn't talk to me (I would have welcomed it) and somehow did this to satisfy his urge for vaginal intercourse without "hurting my feelings". My gut wrenches even reading that. How does anyone trust a cheating, betraying, low character/no morale compass person like he has shown himself to be?




Find another counselor. Telling you to just heal and move on is easier said than done. Part of healing process includes grief and forgiveness. I am not meaning forgiving him but rather forgiving yourself that you allowed you to be duped by your husband. 

You also must be allowed time to grieve for the death of the marriage you thought you had. Less than 2 months is not long enough for all her to take place. Grieving, forgiving yourself and then finding out if you can also forgive him will take much longer than 2 months. Forgiving him before you forgive yourself will result in you harboring resentment.

I would be highly concerned that neither of you talked about the lack of PIV sex long before this. You have been with him long enough that this conversation should have been an easy one to have although the subject matter is sensitive. My guess is that he wanted to pay for sex and he had the excuse in his back pocket ready for use if he got caught. Insist on full panel of STI testing. Regardless if you think you are lower risk you do not need to add to your health concerns. 

If it was me I would file for divorce. You need to separate your finances now especially if you did not have a prenup. You do not have to go through with it if you decide that this man does have some redeeming qualities after all.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

Sorry Donein, sorry you are here, I'm on a journey myself through infidelity, it's very soul destroying. I'd say change your counsellor, it's wrong to offer you no hope.
There is a support thread on here, where a few of us a working through reconciliation or in the process of it. Many a few years down the road from myself, I've found it extremely helpful and often through blurred teary eyes. It's called support thread of BS,s trying reconciliation, I think, I'll try and get the correct link. 
I'm so sorry you are in this place.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Hire a lawyer and unmingle your assets. You can't trust him and you need to protect yourself. Am I saying he'd steal from you or do something stupid you'd be legally liable for since you're assets are mingled? No. However, he's proven himself untrustworthy and he has engaged in very risky behavior, so better safe than sorry. Protect yourself first and then work to sort out the emotions and decide what you're going to do. Personally, I'd run like a zombie horde is hot on my heels.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

if you want to try to reconcile have a lawyer draw up a post nup in your favor so if things don't work out your protected.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what a bum.

i agree with everyone else. you have a kook for a counselor, if that's what he actually meant.

"My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on"

unless what he meant was there is little hope for making your husband an uncheater and you need to heal and move on from there.
the problem is, someone who cheats with this magnitude will just say they'll change, but they have very serious issues that just saying it
won't cure. and, oh yah, just because he's seeing a counselor doesn't mean much. if he's clever, he can bamboozle them to justify himself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Guys, they're not married. They were planning to marry in September.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If you are not married you need to get a lawyer to sort out your financial arrangements for the law in your country of residence, do not underestimate the issues.
YOu are hurting and raw right now, so do not make any sudden decisions, just go to counselling and fill your life with doing things for you only.
Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are, at least you will feel you are taking some sort of action.
For your own well being you will have to forgive him but that is for you, it is up to you to decide to stay or go. I would leave personally because using prostitutes opened him and you up to diseases.

Let your feelings settle first before you make decisions.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You can't expect a guy to be satisfied with no sex, not to talk about it and therefore it not be a problem anymore. If it's not a problem and something he wanted to address with you continually, that should have been a red flag right away. That would suggest to me that he's dealing with this without you, either with other women, pornography or getting sex by other means. 

As it stands without being able to trust him again there's no way you should marry him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> You can't expect a guy to be satisfied with no sex, not to talk about it and therefore it not be a problem anymore. If it's not a problem and something he wanted to address with you continually, that should have been a red flag right away. That would suggest to me that he's dealing with this without you, either with other women, pornography or getting sex by other means.
> 
> As it stands without being able to trust him again there's no way you should marry him.


No sex? Either you and I have differing definitions of what "sex" means, or we read the OP very differently. I understood the OP to mean no PIV sex, but that they were sexually active in other ways. 

It's possible to have a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship without PIV sex. But if that wasn't acceptable to the OP's partner, he should have said something and ended the relationship. Instead, he's been paying for sex with potentially underage, likely sex-trafficked, prostitutes - all while buying property, building a business and continuing wedding plans with the OP. Methinks that's less about any legitimate "need" for PIV sex that couldn't be met within the relationship, and more about his untrustworthiness, poor coping skills, inability to handle conflict, and lack of character.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Guys, they're not married. They were planning to marry in September.




I mis-read that. I did see 19 years together and September.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that probably makes them married by common law. i think it's a moot point, they're long term partners effectively married.
and doesn't in the slightest let him off the hook. neither in my opinion does that fact she medically can't have PIV.
if they are life partners in almost any sense of that word, then he's a bum.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lawyer up. A business lawyer would also be helpful.

If you cannot trust him not to have sex with teen prostitutes you cannot trust him in business, in my opinion.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Also, he had you sell your property. He did this in bad faith, because he was having sex with teenage prostitutes for several years, a fact that he would be expected to know would have meant you would not have sold your house had you known about his disgraceful behaviour.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Also, he had you sell your property. He did this in bad faith, because he was having sex with teenage prostitutes for several years, a fact that he would be expected to know would have meant you would not have sold your house had you known about his disgraceful behaviour.


He probably wanted to make sure he had her money tied up in the business before she found out what he was up to.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> that probably makes them married by common law. i think it's a moot point, they're long term partners effectively married.
> and doesn't in the slightest let him off the hook. neither in my opinion does that fact she medically can't have PIV.
> if they are life partners in almost any sense of that word, then he's a bum.


Not in the U S, but perhaps in other countries. If OP is in the U S it's highly unlikely they are Common Law married. Only about 9 states even still recognize Common Law marriages and out of those that do there are very specific criteria that must be met including sharing a last name, filing taxes as married, presenting themselves socially as married, etc. You can't get Common Law married here without doing it deliberately.

The concern here, of course, is legal. Depending on how they handled the asset mingling, OP might have fewer legal protections than if they were married.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband used a hooker once in 2010. We're together today and doing very well. He's an exception to the rules though, as far as being truly remorseful and bettering himself. I kicked him out on D day too, it's a long story, you can read it through the link in my sig if you like.

Anyway. I am a bit hazy on why you couldn't have PIV sex. Was it just a matter of lubrication? What kinds of discussions did the two of you have about it exactly when it happened?

You might want to get STD tested also.

As for whether it can work? 99.9999999999999999999999999999% of the time, no it can't. Unless he comes totally clean and takes a polygraph and proves a million times a day he's sorry, and even then I wouldn't trust him.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Bless you for caring enough to respond. I took your advice. Its months later. I still don't know which way to go but I am OK with that now. I don't have to know. I am learning a lot through joint and private counseling (a new counselor) and now I feel more pity for him but still a huge amount of hurt. Can't imagine a "real man" treating me that way, so now he is assigned to a lower place than that in my mind and heart. I feel like I am on a holding pattern and some day something good, clean and worthwhile will come along. I will RUN NOT WALK if I find it. Love to all of you who care and support one another. NOBODY can understand this sort of pain unless you walked the walk. Wish I had skipped it.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Thank you for the "zombie horde" line. Gave me a good laugh. Its clear I have every reason to leave. Right now, I am staying in though not living together. Going to counseling. Finding out what made this happen has been a real eye opener for me. Frankly, the vaginal sex part got fixed with a process called Mona Lisa Touch and it works!!! I was delighted to have the "old me" back. Part of my process has been reaching out to a different lover, and I am so glad I did! That was an amazing and uplifting/empowering experience. I would do it again if I could find someone I wouldn't hurt. Men, not unlike women, tend to get attached and my lover was not exception. My heart is not ready to re-bond anywhere, and I won't hurt another person if I can help it. But, someday....

Unfortunately, even if I do get back together with my completely contrite partner, the concept of my own fidelity is gone. I have always been considered an attractive woman and now I feel OK with using it elsewhere. If I have a need, or an interest, I no longer feel constrained in pursuing that. Guess I earned it. So, guys, reading this...I am one woman a guy would never want to loose on so many levels, and that includes my cheating SO. He desperately doesn't want to loose me. But, my grandmother said, "when you cut the apron strings both sides go free..." Not sure what another 5 or 6 months will bring, but my feeling of empowerment, choices and my own self worth are in a whole different place now. Guys - if you want your woman to love, respect and be faithful, its not a bad idea to offer the same. For me, I think I did that long enough. He no longer has the right to it and I have the right to whatever this world offers. Cheers!


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

That's what I said to the counselor myself! She assured me she is very good at seeing through people and I believe her because...she's very good. But, three years of using prostitutes and coming home and pretending all was well? Sick pup, wouldn't you say? I have switched from complete devastation to just a sick feeling in my stomach, and looking up and out to the future. There is nothing I did in this relationship, though I was far from perfect, to warrant this level of tragedy. I simply don't belong here. Hoping to get this all behind me and move on, but not until I learn whatever it takes to understand who I am dealing with. Obviously I missed something seriously wrong here, and I don't want to do that in the future.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

I think you got me wrong. There were LOTS of ways we could have had sex and I would have welcomed them all. I am saying he didn't want to have sex. Now I know why. He wanted to use prostitutes. There you go. Hope that clarifies things. Unfortunately when a woman is on Tamoxifen her libido is about 100% likely to suffer - until she goes off which takes five years minimum. That's stuff that happens in relationships. Guys loose their hard on, women loose their libido. You do your best with each other and you don't give up on your partner because of it. In the meantime, some give and take and caring has to be had by the partners during health issues. Talking about it was always welcome and easy for me. He has a LONG history of talking about nothing intimate. Now I know why.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

You nailed it. Totally. Thank you.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Tamoxifen atrophies the vagina of a majority of women who use it, as well as suppressing libido. Its impossible and VERY painful to have vaginal intercourse. I welcomed other forms, but I thought his libido was failing and decided to stay with him anyway. Fortunately I am off Tamoxifen now and returning to normal. Now I have to figure out the rest of this mess. I did back off and am letting my emotions settle. I can foresee having some sort of relationship with him but WOW NEVER AGAIN will I allow myself to be vulnerable at that level with him. I hope I have enough years left to find that level with someone else, once I am more fully healed and have learned all I need to from this. I can tell you I am thankful he is so intensely committed to working through his problems. At the beginning of this, without a shred of vindictive intention, I could not seem to help myself from telling EVERYONE including his family what exactly had happened. Now I recognize that as my scream out for any kind of help. It felt like my world was ending and everything I thought I had was ripped from me. A HUGE pain in the heart and the gut and it followed me all day, every day. Now, frankly, I am glad I told everybody. He can live with that now. Its his burden. I was simply smeared in dog crap but I am not the dog crap.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It took 19 years for the sheen to wear through.
It took just minutes for the 'truth be told' to burrow it's way out.
It is now over, in a flash, flash of bare, glare light.
It doth going, leaves the thought, "Now, what can I do?

I too, recommend leaving him, flat, with his guilt.
With his teenies, with his empire that he built.

Minus a few bricks.

Some bricks of fire-hardened clay.
Some bricks of gold that he stole from you away.

Just Sayin'


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DoneIN, wow just wow. Glad to hear you are growing stronger day by day. It is amazing how time can change things, and for the better. You may or may not stay with him but at least it will be on your own terms. Good for you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Donein;



> Korean sex traded late teens/twenties prostitutes. We have been together 19 years


Wow, that is about as icky as it gets. You have every right to kick him to the curb if you want.

The question is and what you seem to be wanting is to see if this relationship can be fixed.

You say he will never do that again. If you believe him (not sure what that would take) then maybe with the right marriage/couples counseling you might be able to rebuild some trust.

You need to understand and he needs to understand that he ended the 19 year relationship the two of you had. You can develop a new relationship together, but it will not be the same, it will be different and there will be big trust issues. With hard work on the part of both of you, you can build a new relationship, but he is going to have to become a much different person and things will never be the same. If he can live with that, then maybe there is a chance.

If it were me, I would contact the local police force in the nearest big city and see if they have a "john school" for the patrons of prostitutes. Your counselor might even know (but I would probably get a different one). Send your 19+year, sex-trade, prostitute loving partner to the John school and have him learn about the exploitation and risks, and criminality of using such women and yes, he was using them in the worst possible way.

Then after his nose has been rubbed in the horror of what he was doing, sit him down and explain some solid boundaries that will not be crossed in your new relationship. If you ever find out that he has let "it" slip out of his pants with another woman FOR ANY REASON, you will divorce his butt, financially ruin him, and maybe if he is not careful take him to the gelding stall in barn of your 98 acre ranch.

You need to figure out what you WANT to do for you. You need the help of a great therapist/counselor and you need to talk to an attorney to figure out how to financially unwind some of your joint assets or at least get them identified in a legal document so you don't end up financially harmed by the whole thing.

Personally, you have a lot of soul searching to do. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Glad you are where you are, now. Getting to a situation when you can stay, move on or move sideways.

Perhaps he never grew up? Was he always Immature?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see any new possible relationship as being, Strictly Business.
No more intimacy.

Just a good morning.
Just a good night.

Off to your own abode, your own home and your own companion, a new man.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

In an effort to put some perspective on this, at least he was obviously not planning on leaving you. He's not out there looking for love because he's satisfied with that at home. He has no emotional connection to the hookers. You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave when it's over. In the grand scheme of things your situation could be much worse.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Your analysis of who was "in there" is right on the money. The question then becomes, can a person who sincerely faces his problems change all of that abysmal thinking and poor character? I just don't know that. But, I don't have to know that right now. I need to learn everything I can from this situation so I never repeat it in my life. I need to identify the red flags I missed and what I can expect from a loving partner, so I can see him if and when he arrives. And, I need to be happy living alone and fulfilling my own life dreams, instead of spending so much energy helping my partner to get his. Lots to do lots to learn much to look forward to. Anybody reading this - I am five months from D Day which was the worst day of my life, followed by several worst months of my life. I am bouncing back and so will you. Hang in there! It won't last forever. Look out to the horizon at things you wanted to do with your life. Now, you go get and do those things! Life is good you will bless this experience some day for all you learned and how much better your life has become. Drop the bitter and look for the better!


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Sharing your thoughts with me - its generous and very helpful. I want to thank you for that. Its a great idea - the John School. I'll look into it. There are many acts of restitution necessary for something like this to be processed properly. The John School is a wonderful idea because he apparently has a totally insensitive conscious about the plight of others and a true disrespect for females -- who are always someone's child, someone's sister - no one was born into this world to live without dignity. My heart goes out to each and every one of them.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> In an effort to put some perspective on this, at least he was obviously not planning on leaving you. He's not out there looking for love because he's satisfied with that at home. He has no emotional connection to the hookers. You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave when it's over. In the grand scheme of things your situation could be much worse.


That's what he has said. He said he didn't want any emotional entanglement. I understand that it may have been a different kind of damaging to have had that to deal with a more emotional affair between equals. The damage here is that I loved and lived with a man who could have so much emotional and mental insensitivity as to have "used" women in that manner. That's not at all the level of human being I want to associate with, let alone partner and share a bed. A man who has sex/makes love to an equal, someone outside of his relationship, at least she can say NO. He used women/girls who have no right to say no about the use of their own bodies. If you are a guy reading this, think about if you were being forced to perform homosexual acts with random disgusting low life men were sodomizing you ten or fifteen times a day, and you had to smile, rub their fat bodies, and make them think you loved all of it. Just really get a hold of how that would feel to your very soul. It makes me CRINGE for them, and breaks my heart that anyone has to endure that life. It breaks my heart that he could and did do that for some many YEARS not times, and he couldn't/didn't want to correct his own behavior. I don't know how to process that at all. When I look at it square it makes me want to vomit.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

This was very helpful to me, and I hope to some others -

Overcoming Infidelity | National Marriage Seminars


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

OK so now its almost seven months post D day and I have to say I still have overwhelming rounds of gut level pain. I wake up and often go to sleep with visions of my loved and completely trusted life partner flirting with and fornicating with his bevy of lovely young prostitutes. At my gut level, I see him as a ***** humping pig. But, I still haven't made up my mind one way or the other about the future of this relationship. Maybe I am hoping he will just cave under the weight of all this negativity, and leave my life. Frankly, if he did, I would be much more healed by now. Out of site, out of mind...would hopefully be true by and by. Its going to take a LONG time to heal! Fortunately, there have been a few suitors who have reminded me that I am a desirable woman! Coming off of something like this - it gives your self esteem a serious hit. Its gives most of you a serious hit and runs the rest over like a tractor trailer down the highway.

Well, to those of you in the same boat, I could use suggestions on what you did to get over and through all this sadness and negativity. I am much better 7 months out...no longer walking in circles...but I miss the old, cheerful, optimistic ME. 

Your suggestions are welcome.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just be assured that his actions are no reflection on you. He would be doing this regardless of who he was married to, or even if he were single. This is all on him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not going to leave. If he had wanted to he would have already done so. 

If you want out then you'll have to end it. And that's the hard part.


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