# Wife Going Through Midlife Crisis?



## jp4000

Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".

Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way. 

The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully). 

I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.

Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.

Thanks,
J


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## 3Xnocharm

Sounds like a likely affair to me. Since you dont go into any history here, that is what I am reading out of what you posted. 

My personal opinion is that mid life crisis is a myth.


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## 3Xnocharm

Ah, looks like I'm probably right. THREE YEARS ago you posted this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...iage-rocks-after-being-together-25-years.html

You still want to go with your mid life crisis theory?


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## uhtred

What specifically does she want to be different?


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## sokillme

jp4000 said:


> Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".
> 
> Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.
> 
> The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully).
> 
> I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.
> 
> Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.
> 
> Thanks,
> J


Check your phone bill. See who she has been talking to. Usually by the time it gets to divorce talk there is something else going on. There is a theory that no one leaves a warm bed for a cold one. I think in most cases this is true.

Never-mind read your first post. I think it's time to really start digging seems like she has pushed the limits and had one foot out the door for a while.


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## GusPolinski

Have you met her boyfriend yet?


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## Openminded

What's happened in the almost three years since your other thread? Is she still working with the guy she was flirting with then? How were things until the past few months when she started talking about divorce?


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## aine

I do not see why the automatic jump to infidelity on this forum, I feel like this most of the time too within my own marriage, why?

Because my H treated me like crap and took me for granted, and now it is hard to forgive and forget even though he seems to have got the message and is working on becoming a better man.

Women put up with a lot of ****e for years and years, you allude to it but do not say what that was, maybe you could enlighten us.

Your wife has been 'nagging' for years, what was she saying, did you listen, did you actually hear what she said? Did you take any steps to rectify those things? 

Not all people who are unhappy in their marriages go and have an affair, I haven't had one yet, though God knows, I could easily. For some people it is the default position but not all.

Find out why your wife is unhappy, have you talked? gone to MC? took her away on a break? What ACTION have you taken, waiting it out is not going to work


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## chillymorn69

jp4000 said:


> Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".
> 
> Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.
> 
> The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully).
> 
> I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.
> 
> Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.
> 
> Thanks,
> J


Shes cheating. See a lawyer know your rights get you important papers in order. Start stashing money. Start exercising eating right . When your sick of her lies and eating her **** you will be ready to file for divorce.

Best of luck


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## jp4000

No, the guy from 3 years ago is history. We actually relocated to a different part of the country, got new jobs and kind of started over. Things were ok for a while, but it seems we are in a cycle. We have ups and downs. I would classify myself as more introverted while she is more extroverted, so when we go out in social situation it takes a bit more for me to warm up to people I may not really know. This causes her irritation as she was to go out and have fun, wants me to have fun, but in the end it seems we have different ideas of what is it to have a good time out.

Our past discussions have revolved around her not getting the emotional support from me, and we have both made efforts to change things in our relationship. Usually what happens is that things seem to be getting better and then something happens to derail us, usually just normal life stuff. As an example, things seemed to be going pretty good and then we had some home repair/remodel issues pop up. I am fairly handy when it comes to those things so I did the repairs and renovations myself. While doing it yourself means that you save money (which is nice) it also means that it can consume alot of time. One of the tasks was a bathroom gut job, which took two months. It took most of my time in the evenings and weekends. The household disruption gave her quite a bit of anxiety and took away from time spent together.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Call it what you wish... her thoughts are not on you.

What are these events telling you?

Reading your other thread, they tell me your wife continues to compare happiness that she is not finding.

That she is not looking in the right place is not in your control, she will make her own crisis in her unmindful approach to finding out in the end that her happiness lies within her... middle, beginning, or end.

Sadly, there will continue to be collateral damage as she struggles even if you are prepared for it.

Your role in this is to live the best life you can... since this has not settled for awhile you may need to begin seeing your life differently, not one with the threat of your marriage ending but one of the strength that she may choose to not be in your life. 

I would let her know you are signing up for marriage counseling and if she does not come you will go without her... that is your choice and taking control of your life, not relying on her to set the pace.

I think you will need it either way as you practice letting go of your fears of your marriage ending or tackling the hard questions to stay together with guidance...


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## Taxman

Me? First I would put a PI on her, or go radio silence and start doing background investigation. For my money, she is in the contemplation stage of an affair: waffling back and forth. This could be a combination of mid-life crisis, menopause or external factors, such as someone at work putting the moves on her, and her mind trying to justify an attraction, while detaching from her husband.

My advice? If it is someone at work, warn him off. Very few men want to have their lives ruined before they get a shot at fresh *****. If it is hormonal or psychological, by all means get into a physician's office and get to the bottom of this while simultaneously getting MC/IC.

There is something else, as another poster put it, she has already "tested" the waters with a possible EA a few years ago. You may want to go "shock and awe" on her. Tell her if she is considering an affair that she is cordially invited to GTFO. Say that you will not put up with her behavior any further and if she wants a strange d1ck between her legs, then she is welcome, BUT she walks away from house, money, marriage and kids.


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## MovingForward

jp4000 said:


> * I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".*
> *Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce.* *Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation*.
> 
> *We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.*
> 
> *says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on*. *There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out*.
> 
> *I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out.*


Looks like she is already cheating emotionally or Physically. Pretty much standard script and exactly what happened to me, Best thing would be to take control of the situation and tell her your out, if you do want to be with her then showing her she doesn't get to call the shots could help bring her back since she is in total control right now and your allowing her to sit on the fence so no incentives for her, a swift taste of reality and lack of control could shake her up, if not you will be able to get out and move on faster since the period after you are left high and dry is one you dont want to experience.


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## UnicornCupcake

uhtred said:


> What specifically does she want to be different?


I have the same question. 
If she doesn't know what she wants and she's just going to sit and mope about it then you need to approach it from an entirely different angle.


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## Emerging Buddhist

These waters being tested are like a Yellowstone geyser @Taxman... how often is the barrier to prevent detachment going to have to be set back up again?

Shock and awe might bring the awareness you want, but if it has to be used repeatedly it is the wrong tool.

@jp4000, I sense you are missing an understanding of her love languages... and you are missing your balance of the middle path.


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## aine

OP, you still haven't told us what the problem actually is, you must have talked to her about it, no?


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## jp4000

UnicornCupcake said:


> I have the same question.
> If she doesn't know what she wants and she's just going to sit and mope about it then you need to approach it from an entirely different angle.


Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:".


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## UnicornCupcake

jp4000 said:


> Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:".


Ah. I have the same problem. I can tell you what I did/am doing and what I think you could do to make the situation better.
The difference between my husband and yourself is that my husband has the ability to socialize. He's actually quite likable. He just CHOOSES to spend ALL of his free time with his family. Initially, this bothered the F out of me and I was nagging him to put more effort into his social life because I'm suffering as a result of it. Then I realized, he's an adult and he's free to choose to spend his time however he damn pleases. I think you need to apply the same mentality to yourself. However, my husband humours me and comes to the things I want to do, but I'm at the point now that I actually don't want him to come. I'd rather spend time with my friends. This is something I'm having a hard time talking to him about...

What I'm saying is ENCOURAGE your wife to do SOME things without you. Explain that when you can, you'll do the events she wants to do with her, but it's unrealistic for her to expect you to do everything. Once she realizes that you ARE putting in the effort (1 out of 5 events, let's say) and you've drilled it into her head not to expect you do accompany her every time her expectations will become stable. She'll stop asking you to do this or that because she'll already have plans with someone else. Unfortunately for you, you need to accept she will be spending time with other people. If you don't like this, too bad. Your wife wants to socialize and you do not. 

Your wants are valid. So are hers. You need to compromise. Expect to spend Saturday nights alone more often now, but if that's what she needs, that's what she needs. (I'm assuming her need to socialize doesn't revolve around getting drunk and going clubbing, though and that her interests are elsewhere.)

If you don't let her satisfy her social needs she's going to resent you. And you're going to have to learn to occupy yourself.


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## jp4000

I understand what you are saying, but up until recently she really didn't have anyone to go out and do anything with other than me. We got married and had kids pretty young so now that our kids are teens and we have more free time, a lot of the people are age are at that stage where their kids require more of their parents time. Regardless of how or why she didn't have any friends, she seems to have blamed the lack of socialization on me. I often feel like it has been my job to find friends and get the social ball rolling, problem being that I am not good at that. Once i get to know people I am likable, it's just breaking the ice.

Now she has a couple friends to go out with and it has been so long that we have done anything like this, I struggle with relaxing and having fun when I do join her. When I don't join her I get anxious and she get upset thinking I am mad at her for going on.

This has manifested itself in other areas over time and has build a huge wall of resentment.


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## 3Xnocharm

Well her expectation to have her husband with her for social occasions is very much normal and preferred, honestly. How would it make you feel if she never wanted you around? Spouses owe it to each other to participate in each other's lives, even though some things may not be within the others' comfort zone. Its just part of marriage. You should make the effort. (or, should have made the effort?) 

Course, it may be too late now, sounds like she has another man occupying her time.


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## jp4000

I haven't seen any indication that she is spending time with other men yet. We went out once a couple months ago with one of her female work friends, which at the end of the evening I was getting tired and really didn't put forth a good effort to be "social". This irritated her and she still brings it up after 4 months. She recently went out with the same friend and another girls this past weekend. I didn't give her any attitude with going on, just waited up until she got home to make sure she got in OK. She initially seemed happy that she went out and had a good time, but now is back to feeling like she wants out of the marriage. She has explained that she is pretty much just fed up and it she is going to feel alone she might as well be divorced and live alone.

Yeah, I suppose should have made the effort sums it up.


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## UnicornCupcake

jp4000 said:


> I haven't seen any indication that she is spending time with other men yet. We went out once a couple months ago with one of her female work friends, which at the end of the evening I was getting tired and really didn't put forth a good effort to be "social". This irritated her and she still brings it up after 4 months. She recently went out with the same friend and another girls this past weekend. I didn't give her any attitude with going on, just waited up until she got home to make sure she got in OK. She initially seemed happy that she went out and had a good time, but now is back to feeling like she wants out of the marriage. She has explained that she is pretty much just fed up and it she is going to feel alone she might as well be divorced and live alone.
> 
> Yeah, I suppose should have made the effort sums it up.


Don't automatically assume it's about another man. TAM is wayyy to quick to assume that. It just sounds like she wants some change and wishes you were more of a leader is social situations. Honestly, her wants are pretty normal. They sound very hard for you to meet, but as a woman most of us want a leader.

You need to let her go out and not feel any hostility about it. She can probably sense it when she's getting ready and it's killing her mood.


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## SunCMars

jp4000 said:


> Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. *Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:"*.


Get better or fake it. She is bored. She sees others having fun and she wants in on it. Bite the bullet.

She will leave you, or cheat on you if you do not compromise on this non-action of yours. Use alcohol to loosen up your tongue and inhibitions. Just not too much or too often.

Her chest and love fruits are ripe. Do not let another man pick them and shine them silly.


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## katiecrna

I think that you should be worried and you should act now. Don't wait for this to get worse. Things need to be addressed now.


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## SunCMars

Having a Mid Life crisis is very real. TAMMERs do not let infidelity be blamed on THIS. It is a contributing factor.

Big time. Seven and a 1/3 year cycles. 

There are other cycles in effect for some......notably, 21 year cycles.


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## Lostinthought61

From what i am reading she is unhappy and she is blaming you for her unhappiness...regardless of whether you divorce or not she is under the illusion that her happiness will only be found in others rather than herself.


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## katiecrna

jp4000 said:


> I haven't seen any indication that she is spending time with other men yet. We went out once a couple months ago with one of her female work friends, which at the end of the evening I was getting tired and really didn't put forth a good effort to be "social". This irritated her and she still brings it up after 4 months. She recently went out with the same friend and another girls this past weekend. I didn't give her any attitude with going on, just waited up until she got home to make sure she got in OK. She initially seemed happy that she went out and had a good time, but now is back to feeling like she wants out of the marriage. She has explained that she is pretty much just fed up and it she is going to feel alone she might as well be divorced and live alone.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, I suppose should have made the effort sums it up.




This is a difficult situation because on one hand I get that she feels lonely and disconnected from you. And I do think you need to put your big boy pants on and do things with your wife and have a good attitude about it. You don't want to be that person that brings people down, and ruins the good energy. And I think your wife probably not only feels disconnected from you, she probably feels like your dead weight. 
On the other hand... it's hard to have a good time when your always being criticized, and you feel like nothing you do is good enough. She doesn't sound like a picnic to be around either. 

This might be a stretch but I got the feeling that your passive, maybe a little depressed, not very social. I think that your wife has emasculated you and you kind of stayed in that place... an emasculated passive husband. 

It sounds like your wife is just a jerk. But unfortunately you can't change people. You can only change yourself and I think you need to be a man again, have a good time. Always have a positive attitude and be down for new things. Treat your wife nicely, but also treat yourself nicely, don't like her disrespect you.


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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## Married but Happy

See if there are some meetup groups in your area that may be about topics you do - or might - find interesting. Go to some together, or go on your own and see if you meet people who could be friend material, where you can get together with them and their spouse socially. There are always events and groups in most communities that may provide chances to meet good people, but you have to put yourself out enough to go. If you don't make an effort, you may suffer the consequences of her unhappiness. If she sees you making a sincere effort, it may stop her from pursuing destructive "entertainments."


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## katiecrna

TheTruthHurts said:


> Simple answer my man - Lorazepam.
> 
> Take a small dose before going out, drink like an alcoholic (soda and lime or whatever - there are conventions bars will understand that you're not drinking), and you will be relaxed.
> 
> I had .5 mg before a medical procedure that I had to be awake for - I was relaxed, lucid and had no anxiety. Talk to your doctor
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




This is so messed up on so many levels lol.

Don't men realize that we want them to be fully engaged and 100% present in the moment?


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## katiecrna

People can't go through the motions. Your spouse is not a checklist. I see this too often... well my wife wants me to go out with her more and connect so I will hang out with her and her friends tonight. Check. I did what she wanted, why isn't she happy??? This thinking shows that you completely miss the point.


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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## katiecrna

TheTruthHurts said:


> Have you had low dose anti anxiety medication? Why would you assume you couldn't be fully engaged? I had a BMB and was amused as the nurses were talking and try not to hurt me ("you really have to put your weight into it to break through the bone!") and I was able to chuckle, point out that I'm right there and they wouldn't hurt me at all because of the local anesthetic.
> 
> Many people have social anxiety and there are solutions to reduce the anxiety to allow for social interaction.
> 
> Or you could go the old-school route - my dad (a VA shrink) had a social anxiety group of veterans that he used to take on field trips (free things like the zoo or museum). But anxiety group therapy seems like a stretch for OP
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I deliver anesthesia for a living so I am familiar with benzodiazepines. Also I am not of the belief that it's ok to take a pill to fix your problems unless it's really warranted. AND people all react differently with drugs, especially a drug that alters your mental state. Psychoactive drugs are nothing to play with, many have bad side effects as well as the risk of dependency. And he shouldn't be driving while on these meds. 

Yes many people have social anxiety. Many people are just introverts and are less comfortable in social situations, this doesn't mean they have a problem. We are not all the same. Normal is on a large spectrum. If it ain't broke don't fix it.


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## SunCMars

Lostinthought61 said:


> From what i am reading she is unhappy and she is blaming you for her unhappiness...regardless of whether you divorce or not she is under the illusion that her happiness will only be found in others rather than herself.


Unfortunately, that is a common thought-process/complaint in marriages/relationships. 

So much easier to blame other people. For everything..especially your own short comings....a few long-winded comings too.

The pointed finger gets {ever so sharp} when you jab it into thick-headed heated conversations.


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## phillybeffandswiss

She told you three years ago she was flirting with another man and now the sex has dried up. Are you telling us you waited and didn't listen to her lust for other man back in 2014? She checked out long ago.

Go back and reread your old thread and pay attention to a couple of the posters who said spying was sneaky. Not going to argue right or wrong, but I did find these posts very interesting in reference to your OP.


old thread 2014 said:


> Your W was honest which is anti-sneaky IMO. And contrary to some of the opinions above, I am quite sure your M would be sexless if she had gone PA (seen it over and over on TAM- women are sexually monogamous- they cut off sex with their H if they are getting it elsewhere)






old thread 2014 said:


> That is a good point about the sex not being cut off. It is something to watch for.


Just saying....

Yeah, I guess it is a three year long midlife crisis if you want to continue rug sweeping your marriage problems and I'm not even talking about infidelity.


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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## UnicornCupcake

TheTruthHurts said:


> Simple answer my man - Lorazepam.
> 
> Take a small dose before going out, drink like an alcoholic (soda and lime or whatever - there are conventions bars will understand that you're not drinking), and you will be relaxed.
> 
> I had .5 mg before a medical procedure that I had to be awake for - I was relaxed, lucid and had no anxiety. Talk to your doctor
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


LOL.
Ok, on one hand I do think you're onto something, but on the other the way you delivered it was pretty comedic.

OP, it does sound like you have some anxiety. That's OK! But it's in your best interest as well as hers to learn to handle it a little better. Maybe a mild dosage of medication before an event might be a good idea? It's definitely worth a try! I think you should talk to your wife about it, too. I think she'd be very receptive if you told her you were willing to go on medication so you can enjoy social situations more. I think trying it at the very least is a fantastic compromise. I think she'll receive it well.


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## UnicornCupcake

katiecrna said:


> People can't go through the motions. Your spouse is not a checklist. I see this too often... well my wife wants me to go out with her more and connect so I will hang out with her and her friends tonight. Check. I did what she wanted, why isn't she happy??? This thinking shows that you completely miss the point.


This is really true.


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## Keenwa

Hi there,I'm going to reply because I'm the wife in a similar situation and I did leave. There was NO infidelity, and what you call a "Midlife crisis" is basically what seems to happen to us women when we decide we're done living complacent crappy lives with a partner who is disconnected.

I know many people on this forum LOVE to go the infidelity route. Why else would a woman just up and leave an otherwise "happy" marriage? Just crazy! She must be nuts, or going through a crisis or cheating. Or she's a WAW or some other idiotic title that can make people feel better about the fact that they have no responsibility for their unhappy spouse. 

If you want your marriage to work, I am telling you what she wants is intimacy, not just sex, intimacy, my H could not figure out the difference. Ie. she wants to spend time with you but not just talking about renovations and kids, she wants connection. Go for marriage counselling, take it seriously, figure out how to talk about your feelings, tell her what you love about her, be romantic, take a risk. it sounds like she's reaching out to you and wants you to help her make this work, otherwise she'd be gone by now. 

You have nothing to lose if you want to keep her, pull out all the stops, but before you do that find out what she actually wants from you, listen, REALLY LISTEN to her , don't assume you know what she wants. 

IMHO women leave our marriages because we don't feel seen anymore as women, we are mothers, caregivers, food cookers, etc etc, but what we want from our husbands is to feel feminine and loved simply for that. 

Best of luck to you.


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## aine

jp4000 said:


> No, the guy from 3 years ago is history. We actually relocated to a different part of the country, got new jobs and kind of started over. Things were ok for a while, but it seems we are in a cycle. We have ups and downs. I would classify myself as more introverted while she is more extroverted, so when we go out in social situation it takes a bit more for me to warm up to people I may not really know. This causes her irritation as she was to go out and have fun, wants me to have fun, but in the end it seems we have different ideas of what is it to have a good time out.
> 
> Our past discussions have revolved around her *not getting the emotional support from me, *and we have both made efforts to change things in our relationship. Usually what happens is that things seem to be getting better and then something happens to derail us, usually just normal life stuff. As an example, things seemed to be going pretty good and then we had some home repair/remodel issues pop up. I am fairly handy when it comes to those things so I did the repairs and renovations myself. While doing it yourself means that you save money (which is nice) it also means that it can consume alot of time. One of the tasks was a bathroom gut job, which took two months. It took most of my time in the evenings and weekends. The household disruption gave her quite a bit of anxiety and took away from time spent together.


Lack of emotional support: for me this is a huge red flag in the sense that when a woman feels emotionally neglected it puts a huge strain on the marriage and creates WAW.

Doing jobs around the house and earning money are not emotional support, they are financial and domestic support but so many men (including my H) cannot get this. However, women too have to realise their H may be the closest person to them but he is not their girlfriend, and this is where the problems lies.
As I said I don't think she is having an affair, but she is unhappy with the emotional temperature of your relationship and your lack of doing things that creates 'togetherness' or 'oneness.' We are all made for relationship and her thinking is why be in a relationship where there is no oneness.

I think you should both go for some MC


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## aine

Keenwa said:


> Hi there,I'm going to reply because I'm the wife in a similar situation and I did leave. There was NO infidelity, and what you call a "Midlife crisis" is basically what seems to happen to us women when we decide we're done living complacent crappy lives with a partner who is disconnected.
> 
> I know many people on this forum LOVE to go the infidelity route. Why else would a woman just up and leave an otherwise "happy" marriage? Just crazy! She must be nuts, or going through a crisis or cheating. Or she's a WAW or some other idiotic title that can make people feel better about the fact that they have no responsibility for their unhappy spouse.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work, I am telling you what she wants is intimacy, not just sex, intimacy, my H could not figure out the difference. Ie. she wants to spend time with you but not just talking about renovations and kids, she wants connection. Go for marriage counselling, take it seriously, figure out how to talk about your feelings, tell her what you love about her, be romantic, take a risk. it sounds like she's reaching out to you and wants you to help her make this work, otherwise she'd be gone by now.
> 
> You have nothing to lose if you want to keep her, pull out all the stops, but before you do that find out what she actually wants from you, listen, REALLY LISTEN to her , don't assume you know what she wants.
> 
> IMHO women leave our marriages because we don't feel seen anymore as women, we are mothers, caregivers, food cookers, etc etc, but what we want from our husbands is to feel feminine and loved simply for that.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


THIS!

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

But the guys on the site are 'oh she is cheating' 

I can identify with everything you have written. My h thinks if he provides us with a lifestyle, we have sex regularly it is all good, meanwhile I spend alot of time alone due to his work and travelling for work and there is little intimacy. I have talked till I am blue in the face and he just does not get it, (he is obtuse most times on many things anyhow) but he doesn't understand, he thinks I should be so happy and appreciative of him. I do appreciate what he provides for the family but is that all there is to marriage?


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## Satya

jp4000 said:


> Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:".


So, what's stopping her from making new friends? Why do you have to be the do-er? 

You're not responsible for her happiness. She is.

I was with a high anxiety man for 13 years. There came a point where I was bored out of my skull because we did nothing. We were like mushrooms. So I got out and hung with friends. I behaved and came home at reasonable hours. My ex H didn't care and I didn't make it his job to entertain us.... Because that'd always end up in disappointment and high anxiety.

Now I'm with a man who enjoys doing a myriad of things. I can understand her boredom, but if it's important to her, it's for her to remedy. 

Whether or not she's cheating, she clearly has low respect for you.


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## snerg

aine said:


> THIS!
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> But the guys on the site are 'oh she is cheating'
> 
> I can identify with everything you have written. My h thinks if he provides us with a lifestyle, we have sex regularly it is all good, meanwhile I spend alot of time alone due to his work and travelling for work and there is little intimacy. *I have talked till I am blue in the face and he just does not get it*, (he is obtuse most times on many things anyhow) but he doesn't understand, he thinks I should be so happy and appreciative of him. I do appreciate what he provides for the family but is that all there is to marriage?


This is a very interesting statement.

If you are in fact talking till you are blue in the face and he's not getting it, then there is a definite breakdown in communication.
I'm going to sound like a jerk here, but you have failed to communicate to him your issues in a way that he can truly understand your needs.

When you explain something, the responsibility of understanding the issue at hand isn't on the person being explained to.
It completely on the person explaining.

If I am explaining something and you're not getting it, it's not your fault. It's my fault for failing to explain the issue at hand in a manner that you can understand correctly.
I heard this from a guy I work with - What question do I need to ask you in order to find out what question do I need to ask you in order to get the information I need? He was frustrated because he kept asking his counterpart from another country for information and kept receiving the incorrect information.The funny part, when the discussion was out in the open, it was apparent that what he thought was a clear description was being lost in translation and understanding.

Just to be clear - I am guilty of this as is everyone from time to time


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## Diana7

3Xnocharm said:


> Sounds like a likely affair to me. Since you dont go into any history here, that is what I am reading out of what you posted.
> 
> My personal opinion is that mid life crisis is a myth.


I agree, I have heard many men put their wives bad behaviour down to a 'midlife crisis,' one was only 35!! I guess people love to blame something. 

It sounds to me as if she wants out and probably had another man on the scene. Pure selfishness.


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## 3Xnocharm

Keenwa said:


> Hi there,I'm going to reply because I'm the wife in a similar situation and I did leave. There was NO infidelity, and what you call a "Midlife crisis" is basically what seems to happen to us women when we decide we're done living complacent crappy lives with a partner who is disconnected.
> 
> I know many people on this forum LOVE to go the infidelity route. *Why else would a woman just up and leave an otherwise "happy" marriage? Just crazy! She must be nuts, or going through a crisis or cheating. Or she's a WAW or some other idiotic title that can make people feel better about the fact that they have no responsibility for their unhappy spouse.
> *
> If you want your marriage to work, I am telling you what she wants is intimacy, not just sex, intimacy, my H could not figure out the difference. Ie. she wants to spend time with you but not just talking about renovations and kids, she wants connection. Go for marriage counselling, take it seriously, figure out how to talk about your feelings, tell her what you love about her, be romantic, take a risk. it sounds like she's reaching out to you and wants you to help her make this work, otherwise she'd be gone by now.
> 
> You have nothing to lose if you want to keep her, pull out all the stops, but before you do that find out what she actually wants from you, listen, REALLY LISTEN to her , don't assume you know what she wants.
> 
> IMHO women leave our marriages because we don't feel seen anymore as women, we are mothers, caregivers, food cookers, etc etc, but what we want from our husbands is to feel feminine and loved simply for that.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


:iagree: :smthumbup:

While I absolutely agree, with this particular situation, my gut tells me there is another man. See his older threads, they pretty much backed up my gut I believe.


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## aine

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She told you three years ago she was flirting with another man and now the sex has dried up. Are you telling us you waited and didn't listen to her lust for other man back in 2014? She checked out long ago.
> 
> Go back and reread your old thread and pay attention to a couple of the posters who said spying was sneaky. Not going to argue right or wrong, but I did find these posts very interesting in reference to your OP.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just saying....
> 
> Yeah, I guess it is a three year long midlife crisis if you want to continue rug sweeping your marriage problems and I'm not even talking about infidelity.


Ive had the same problems in may marriage, lack of connection, lack of being social with other couples, I am always the one having to organise events to go to, etc. it gets old when as a woman you want to be romanced a little, etc. The way I see it is, if the wife doesn't take action the OP will not or only do so under duress. There is no 'oneness' in the marriage and that kind of disconnect kills a woman, maybe not so a man unless he is not getting sex.


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## aine

snerg said:


> This is a very interesting statement.
> 
> If you are in fact talking till you are blue in the face and he's not getting it, then there is a definite breakdown in communication.
> I'm going to sound like a jerk here, but you have failed to communicate to him your issues in a way that he can truly understand your needs.
> 
> When you explain something, the responsibility of understanding the issue at hand isn't on the person being explained to.
> It completely on the person explaining.
> 
> If I am explaining something and you're not getting it, it's not your fault. It's my fault for failing to explain the issue at hand in a manner that you can understand correctly.
> I heard this from a guy I work with - What question do I need to ask you in order to find out what question do I need to ask you in order to get the information I need? He was frustrated because he kept asking his counterpart from another country for information and kept receiving the incorrect information.The funny part, when the discussion was out in the open, it was apparent that what he thought was a clear description was being lost in translation and understanding.
> 
> Just to be clear - I am guilty of this as is everyone from time to time


Mine is compounded by the fact we are from very different cultures and English is probably his second out of three languages? Though after 25 years it should not be a problem. You also have to factor in the selective understanding of some people. They choose to hear what they want to hear, and they DO NOT listen. 
My H's work colleagues have told him he doesn't actually listen. So I think it is a bit presumptive to believe the whole problem lies with me. It doesn't and I know that from MC. Even the MC had difficulty in getting the message accross.


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## snerg

aine said:


> Mine is compounded by the fact we are from very different cultures and English is probably his second out of three languages? Though after 25 years it should not be a problem. You also have to factor in the selective understanding of some people. They choose to hear what they want to hear, and they DO NOT listen.
> My H's work colleagues have told him he doesn't actually listen. So I think it is a bit presumptive to believe the whole problem lies with me. It doesn't and I know that from MC. Even the MC had difficulty in getting the message accross.


Not being presumptuous.

Just assumed (yeah and we all know what happens when you assume) he was listening and just not getting it


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## Keenwa

snerg said:


> This is a very interesting statement.
> 
> If you are in fact talking till you are blue in the face and he's not getting it, then there is a definite breakdown in communication.
> I'm going to sound like a jerk here, but you have failed to communicate to him your issues in a way that he can truly understand your needs.
> 
> When you explain something, the responsibility of understanding the issue at hand isn't on the person being explained to.
> It completely on the person explaining.
> 
> If I am explaining something and you're not getting it, it's not your fault. It's my fault for failing to explain the issue at hand in a manner that you can understand correctly.
> I heard this from a guy I work with - What question do I need to ask you in order to find out what question do I need to ask you in order to get the information I need? He was frustrated because he kept asking his counterpart from another country for information and kept receiving the incorrect information.The funny part, when the discussion was out in the open, it was apparent that what he thought was a clear description was being lost in translation and understanding.
> 
> Just to be clear - I am guilty of this as is everyone from time to time


Yes that is true. Definitely, we can't just look to the other person and say "well you're just thick". There are two parts to communication. However, in matters of the heart, there's also the emotional quotient. So for sure in work relationships and friendships etc, sometimes we are just not communicating properly, but in relationships that are closer and more intimate, sometimes we have triggered the other person or we are triggered ourselves. If the other person is not willing to acknowledge that they can't talk about something because they are triggered, then we are stuck, and it doesn't matter how well, or in how many different languages you try to communicate the same thing, you will never get through because that person is shut down. It's definitely worth a look however because we sometimes think we're being clear as day and we really aren't.


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