# "The And"- a game for couples who want to communicate better



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I first discovered "The And" through videos on Youtube. The "game" wasn't originally a game exactly, but a sort of sociological project, captured as former couples who were now divorced, married couples, and new couples, read questions to each other and answered them in total candor. The creators of this project called it _The And_.

It's called _The And_ because the word _and_-- as in "Kit and Ella" or "Mr. and Mrs."-- is what defines two people as a couple as well as, literally, dividing them. So too does the game. It can redefine a marriage, bringing people together while drawing out the things that divide them, at the same time.

I have, over the last couple of years, found and written about 425 questions for this game. As of tonight, I have finally finished making them into printable cards on photoshop, so I can print them out and play the game as it was intended, like playing cards. Before then, I used a computer algorithm to select the questions from a list. 

And now, because I have found our little game so very helpful, I'm sharing my printable pages with you.

I will say my husband is not generally a talker, at ALL. When we first were dating, he felt so awkward just chatting to me online that he needed to be tipsy to work up the courage to say anything heartfelt. Not with this game. For reasons I can't explain, he loves this game as much as I do, and feels safe being perfectly honest and as deeply emotionally intimate as I've ever seen him whilst we play it. So if your spouse doesn't open up to you, I suppose it can't hurt to try this. Or at least, the risk of trying is less than the risk of not.

The rules I've made up are simple:

1. One person draws a random card, and asks the other person the question on it. 
2. The other person must answer with absolute, unfiltered honesty, and in a complete sentence (no yes or no or I don't know answers allowed). 
3. Often, a discussion is sparked from this, but the player who answered the question is not obligated to answer any follow-up questions. 
4. Once the question has been answered with as much honesty and detail as possible, the player who answered the first question draws a card and asks a question, taking turns like so
5. You can pass on answering a question, but in order to do so, you have to say "pass" and gaze into the other person's eyes for ten uninterrupted seconds. A new card is then drawn for you to answer instead.
6. You can also forfeit the entire game, but the one who forfeits owes his/her partner a 45-minute massage, to be delivered within 24 hours.
7. The length of the game can vary. I find that asking ten questions between us, answering, and thoroughly discussing them takes about an hour. If we only have a hour or so to spare, we only ask 5 questions apiece. If we have two hours, we ask ten apiece.

For the record, we have never passed on a question or forfeited a game, a fact of which I am very proud.

This isn't in the rules, but we always end the game with a cuddle session. 

Below is an Imgur link to the printable pages. Just click it, save each image to your computer, and print them out. If you know how to make your printer print double-sided, I've included a decorative back side to the cards as well, to make them look prettier. Cut the cards along the black lines and voila! 

Print The And Cards


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Gotta be honest.

My husband and I would fake our own deaths before sitting down to this excruciating torture. It actually makes water-boarding sound like a fun day at the spa.

And I also suspect if we WERE forced to play this horrible game at gunpoint, the odds of it ending in a 'cuddling session' are about zero. Probably less than zero.

:grin2:


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I bet we played this every night for a year. Found out a lot about each other. I loved it.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I have to admit this game seems like pure unadulterated torture. Perhaps if there was some sort of striptease feature added to it?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I read a number of the cards.

I think some are great and could potentially help one to know their partner even better.

Some of them seem like playing with fire while juggling knives on a tightrope while naked.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> I read a number of the cards.
> 
> I think some are great and could potentially help one to know their partner even better.
> 
> Some of them seem like playing with fire while juggling knives on a tightrope while naked.


Hmm. I might be staring so much my wife would think I'm having a stroke.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Gotta be honest.
> 
> My husband and I would fake our own deaths before sitting down to this excruciating torture. It actually makes water-boarding sound like a fun day at the spa.
> 
> ...


Yep I think a lot of (even healthy) couples could see it this way. I may print it out and laminate the cards anyway, but then again I like that kind of thing.

I think the penalty section needs a rework, as I would have to do 2, 45 minute massage sessions within 24 hours to get her to participate, and a good 60% of the answers would be ruled out because she answers everything with "I don't know"


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

To everyone saying The And sounds like torture, let me tell you about what happened when we played yesterday:

I had made us a picnic lunch to eat outdoors in the lovely autumn weather, and we played after lunch. 

He asked me the question, "What is a fantasy you have that you're afraid to tell me?" And I was struck to my core with sudden shame, and I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes and haltingly told him something I had never admitted even to myself. I told him I sometimes fantasized about a form of hysterical bonding-- to be deeply upset and then healed with slow, comforting sex, interspersed with all the right words of comfort and validation. I expected, as often as I go to my friends for (non-sexual and non-romantic) comfort and support, he would be angry and hurt. He wasn't. He said, "That doesn't sound so bad. That's pretty tame, actually. That's why they write romance novels-- because a lot of women have that fantasy." I asked him to confirm he really wasn't angry. He did. Relief flooded me. He said, "I dislike these types of questions. If it's something you're afraid to talk about, why would you want to?" I replied, "Because I must. I've learned that secrets are devastating to a marriage, and uncovering them is what the game is about." He agreed.

At one point, he asked me what kissing him was like. I was so aroused just thinking of his kisses that immediately following my answer, I leaned over and embraced him passionately, and only stopped when he said people nearby were staring.

He asked me a question about how he hindered the dreamer in me, and I struggled for several minutes to find any relevant answer at all, for he supports all of my dreams. I gave him the closest approximation I could come up with, that married people in general are more tied to one place and can't travel the world or some such. He said, "I thought you would have said that my pragmatism, as opposed to your idealism, hinders you," and my jaw dropped! That was exactly what I should have said!! He knew me better in that moment than I knew myself. He apologized for suppressing my idealism and I told him there was nothing to forgive. 

I asked him whether he felt I was more generous or more selfish in my treatment of him, and was surprised to hear him say I was usually more generous, and that he appreciated my recent attempts to handle things around his sleep apnea, but that I needed to work on my anger, my overwhelm, and my desire to escape when things get bad. I told him I knew I did and I really did regret the times I was flighty, angry, and uncontrollably afraid. I told him that I was trying to get a handle on it in dbt. Today I remembered what he told me and I asked him if I could do the dishes today. He said, "Yes, if you want." I said I did want to because I want to do more to show I care for him. 

Of course, there were other questions too, but these were the ones that really stood out to me. We complimented each other, gave each other honest criticism and feedback, shared our deepest hopes and fears, and even got frisky. 

That's what The And is about. It's about digging deep inside yourself, shining light into those dusty corners of your psyche, and absolutely refusing to let yourself accept "I don't know" as an answer. It's about being vulnerable. It's about being painfully challenged, and feeling the pain and fear, and accepting it without any defense because you know your spouse is saying it out of love. It's about realizing just how deeply you know each other, and going even deeper. It's about being reassured, complimented, and obscenely aroused. 

I told my husband over lunch today about The And, and how TAM thinks of it as some kind of cruel and unusual punishment. He told me to ask you why deep communication sounds so awful to you, and said that if you have such trouble even imagining talking to your spouse about the topics covered in The And, maybe you need to examine why.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

I don't know, maybe this seems really simple................ we just talk to each other.

The idea of sitting down with question cards seems so inhibited and/or excruciating to me. 

But yeah if it included stripping then I would be in.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> I don't know, maybe this seems really simple................ we just talk to each other.
> 
> The idea of sitting down with question cards seems so inhibited and/or excruciating to me.
> 
> But yeah if it included stripping then I would be in.


Right, I see what you're saying. It's good that talking about deep things comes so naturally to you, and if it does, then maybe this game isn't for you. But I like it because it covers such a wide variety of topics that I just wouldn't think of on my own in the moment (and neither, probably, would he). The questions on the cards are just open-ended enough that if something is weighing heavily on your heart, chances are you will have at least one opportunity to mention it and spark a discussion about it in your answers. But if you think things are going well and you really don't know what to say, the cards can guide you in directions you wouldn't have considered going on your own, and sometimes what you and your mate unearth will surprise you. I have moments of, "Oh! I didn't know he/I thought this way!" at least every few games.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Looks fun. If I survive the first game I'll report back.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

toblerone said:


> Middle of Everything said:
> 
> 
> > I read a number of the cards.
> ...


Nothing wrong with having a stroke or even a few strokes. ?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I told my husband over lunch today about The And, and how TAM thinks of it as some kind of cruel and unusual punishment. He told me to ask you why deep communication sounds so awful to you, and said that if you have such trouble even imagining talking to your spouse about the topics covered in The And, maybe you need to examine why.


Speaking for myself some of the deep communication sounds wonderful and thought provoking.

Some of it sounds like nothing but asking for trouble.

-How do you feel when I bring up past sexual partners?
-If we broke up what would you warn my next partner about?
-Do you prefer older or younger partners, why?
-Tell me about the best sex you ever had

Maybe a good game to personally modify for some.

And as MrsHolland noted it needs more stripping and/or sex acts involved. :grin2:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> I don't know, maybe this seems really simple................ we just talk to each other.
> 
> The idea of sitting down with question cards seems so inhibited and/or excruciating to me.
> 
> But yeah if it included stripping then I would be in.


Cards Against Humanity is our favorite intern vs staff activity .


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

As I read through some of the questions, I found a lot that might cause resentment, insecurity, etc. in the listener, at least in my marriage. Like others, I think that certain questions in this game could be seen as courting with disaster. 

However, one could just pass on the most "dangerous" questions. Authenticity is good, and certain questions can enhance honest, authentic communication in a marriage where the couple doesn't talk.

Can you make a page of "backs" that don't use quite as much ink and put them up as well?


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