# What kind of person is my gf? Did I make the right decision? What should I do now?



## IThinkIAmAGoodGuy (Aug 25, 2012)

Sorry for the long post.

My gf, actually my ex now (after a series of events), is studying her Ph.D program and a few weeks back she had a big exam to present her phd proposal. It was a very important time for her and consequently very stressful.

Two days before she had to hand in her proposal she asked me to go over and review it with her. I accepted.

However, during this month my mother's dog (my dog too) had been fainting and collapsing when she gets overexcited. We did not bring her to the vet... But on this particular day it was very humid and while i was at work my mom told me that the dog was suffering a lot, so I decided it was time to take her to the vet.

I met up with my girlfriend after work and told her about my dog. She had planned to take a 2 hour break since she had been working on the proposal all day and wanted to start working at 6. I asked her if she was okay we went to the coffee shop now so I can review and then go home and get my dog to the vet. But she was unhappy and said it would not be productive since she had been looking at the paper all day. I also got a little irritated and asked if I could go home and bring my dog. She said yes but was clearly upset. I recognized it and offered an alternative, that I'll go home take a break with her, go over her paper then I'll go home and bring my dog. Since it was an emergency clinic for animals they were open 24/7. But she was already upset and so insisted that I just go home.

The whole time I felt like crap and so after the vet and dropping my mom and dog at home (20 min) I drove to gf's house (20 min). It was about 10 pm.

She didnt let me in so I went home. She texted after saying if I really wanted to help I should have gone on Dropbox where she always has a copy of her work.

The next day at work I reviewed her paper during lunch time. And things were resolved, she handed in her proposal on time...

She forgave me after I reviewed her proposal and she handed it in, but she still had a presentation to do on that following Wednesday. So I offered to help review and practice for that. This went through well and in the end she passes her Ph.D proposal exam .

At this point i need to mention, her parents are in town for two months, we have been living together for the last 1.5 years, and I moved out of her place to give her parents room. So after the exam we went over to her place to celebrate the good news over dinner.

All was good, until I found out that she wanted to drive her parents to visit her cousin in another town and wanted to borrow my car that Friday. Now, borrowing my car was no problem and I've lent her in the past, but that Friday just happened to be the day I had an appointment to bring my dog back to the vet to check her kidneys. My dig was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and had liquid build up in the lungs, and had to take diuretics to get rid of the lungs so she could breathe normally again. But this med had a potential side effect of lung damage...
So I told her that I couldn't because of the appointment. I made the appointment at 2:00 pm in the afternoon on a Friday thinkin that it wouldn't bother anyone. I would take time off work to take my dog to the vet it thought. I didn't tell my gf this because I had no idea she would want the car that fri.

So I think this was a 2nd strike. She was visibly upset but remained calm. Her dad said no problem, they could go the following week. So I thought that was that. But the next day (Thursday) she texted me and asked if she could borrow the car in the morning and then go with me to the vet. I thought to myself, it was kind of a hassle for me to bring the car downtown and then drive back to the vet after but sure, why not. And if she wanted to come to the vet too she was welcome to, maybe she can understand my dog's situation a bit more. 
But as the day went on she started to seem a bit more aggressive in her text and said that she wasn't sure that she could be finished with my car by 1:00 pm and asked if I could lend her my car and I'll go borrow my sis's (my sis has her own place). I thought to myself, wow, felt a quite annoyed that she wanted things her way regardless of my situation, but I told her, "Alright, let me ask my sis if she needs the car". So I did, and after a few hours (my sis forgot her phone at home), my sis said sure, no problem. So I relayed to my gf yeah, the plan is a go. And then my gf starts criticizing me that I was so inflexible and that she felt humiliated like she had to beg me for the car...I couldn't believe it, but thought forget it, she just likes things her way, I understand that about her.

[Just so you know what I have to go through to bring my dog that Friday. The plan was: In the morning I drive my car downtown to her place, fighttraffic, park the car, take the public transit to work, work till noon, skip lunch to go meet my sis at her office, get the car keys, take the public transit to my sis's place, drive the car to my place, get my dog, drive to the vet, then drive back...and being me, i would bring my sis's car back to her place (i didn't want to trouble her), metro to my gf's place, drive my car back since there was no free parking at my gf's place.]

So, on Friday, I began initiating the plan...When I got to my gf's place I put 3$ into the parking meter (it's valid for 1 hour) thinking I'll put plenty of time in the meter so they dont have to rush. I go up to her place and pass her the keys and told her that I've put in an hour's parking for her...and to my horror, she gave me bad look and said that that was too much time! I was in disbelief....but I held back and said don't worry about it and went ahead to work.
But...when I got to work I see a text message saying "Thanks, but 1 hour of parking was too much, don't want you to waste money"... I was like wtf, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I got pissed, I asked her did she have any idea how inconvenient her plan was for me, and that i wanted to just put in enough time so that she didn't have to rush. All i wanted was her to say "Thanks" and stop the criticism! Things escalated very quickly and I said we should break up, she said okay. 

After a few hours I regretted getting angry and calmed down and said sorry but I think it's got her thinking about a lot of things by then.
Things calmed down after that, and we were suppose to go blueberry picking but she was too upset by then. When I went to get my car in the evening she was already sleeping and didnt' want to talk to me. She woke up just to give me my keys. I chatted with her parents a bit and obviously her parents realize something was up. I told her dad that we got into an arguement and her dad seemed understanding and said we just need to comprise and understand one another, but it would be very difficult for my gf to understand me because she was from a pretty decent family, she was always independent, did well in school, been living on her own since she was 17. I wasn't as fortunate, my parents are divorced and there was a period of time where my family struggled really hard, my mom's health got really bad because she was working 20 hours trying to put food on the table. I eventually graduated from Univ and started working and took the burden of being the man of the house giving my mom the opportunity to an early retirement and enjoy life a bit more. Its another story but it's been a few weeks since all this and my gf and I we still keep contact via email and text. She says she still loves me and misses me, she doesn't feel like she can depend on me if we got married. She feels like my burden is too much for her to share, and she's not sure where her Ph.D will lead her when she's done but leaving the city is one thing she wants to keep as a valid option. I try to explain to her that she doesn't have to worry about the burden, even though she's only recently started thinking about future plans, I've had to deal with this burden since I was young and my mom understands that one day I may have to put my wife ahead of her. My mom is really awesome and I love her for that but at the same time it breaks my heart. But from the chain of events that happened over the last few weeks it seems like one big ridicoulous misunderstanding escalated to a breaking point.

My mood has been shifting between angry, calm, sad, depression, and has been unstable since. I still feel like all the lessons we learnt over the last while we can work out and build a stronger relationship and it seems like she is on the fence. Although she's also said that she's breaking up with me she doesn't seem to want to let me go completely...

It's really tough and I can't afford to fall into depression. I feel really terrible because I feel like she was unreasonable, and that I really wasn't valuing my dog more than her. I felt like I was pushed into a corner, had no choice, I can't bear to let another life suffer regardless if it's Human or not. But at the same time I let my gf down during a critical time for her and I cannot deny that despite my efforts to try and right a wrong...I believe I would get back into a relationship with her if she could let go of the resentment and worry. I learn a lot from her and I feel like it's made me better. And why not put these lessons learnt on one another rather than start all over again with someone else who may have other issues.

Yes, I know my gf is kind of selfish but part of love is accepting someone for who they are no? So what kind of person is my gf? Does it really take this kind of strong character to make it to get a Ph.D? Maybe there's a lot of fault on my side? Did I make the right decision? Should I have just let my dog suffer a big longer? What else should I have done? What should I do now? 

I know there's probably no right answer and that the past can't be changed and misunderstanding and resentment is very hard to clear up but I'd at the very least want to learn something valuable and see what the public opinion is.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think you already stated the issue - this was a time your GF sought your help and needed it during a critical juncture in her life, and you let her down by looking after the dog rather than what you had promised to do for her.

I'm not saying if that's right or wrong, but that's what happened. And to your GF, that was a red flag about the future potential of your relationship. She is concerned about you not being there when she needs you because of the commitments and responsibilities you have towards your mother and by extension, the dog. She is concerned that you will be unreliable, and that she might even need to put her plans on hold because of your commitments. 

I do find it a tad strange that her parents came to visit and she in essence kicked you out for them to be there. Why did they come and stay for such a long period of time? Why did you have to leave, was there only one bedroom, if so - how weird is that? Why couldn't her parents rent a car if they wanted to go somewhere, why do they need to borrow yours? Are they hard up on money, or just cheapwads? 

Why do you and the GF share a car, has she never had her own? Does this frequently lead to problems? She seems to be kind of unreasonable about plans, if things are that inconvenient, with all that Doctor-level brain power, she should get a job and get a car or figure out how to take the bus. 

In fairness, if your mother is in very poor health, then it might be unfair to the dog that she is caring for it, if she is unable to get it proper care. You are taking off time from work to take care of this problem, what happens if you get fired? How old is this dog with all of these health problems? Is it time to consider the dog's quality of life?

Does your mother not drive, or is unable to drive herself? You might need to contact the state/country and see about services to help her. How does she get to the doctor? How does she go shopping? This is a bigger problem than the dog getting sick.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I disagree with starfish about the phd issue, but the other advise is sound.

The fact of the matter is, your not only a good guy, your a Nice Guy.

You bend over backwards when your girlfriend needs help, but doesn't appreciate what you are doing. But when she says jump, you jump. She wants her own way all the time, and doesn't reciprocate on any means of compromise.

Do you realize ever time you jump for her, you are just enabling her selfish behavior? 

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Don't be afraid of her getting mad at you for standing up for yourself. The more you give in to her unreasonable demand, the more of a doormat you become.

If she can't soften up and learn compromise, then perhaps she just isn't the right girl for you. Time to cut your losses. 

If you marry this girl things won't change if that's what you are expecting. They just tend to get worse until you start respecting yourself enough to enforce your boundaries of what is acceptable.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

She needs to buy her own car. She told you she can't depend on you? Really? Sh*t test. What she means here is that you have been caving during the onslaught of her Sh*t tests.
Complaining about wasting $3 ? Sh*t test. 

Beware of the just "graduated with a degree Ivory tower syndrome"

The real question is what kind of person are you?


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By *Ithinkiamagoodguy*Yes, I know my gf is kind of selfish but part of love is accepting someone for who they are no? So what kind of person is my gf? Does it really take this kind of strong character to make it to get a Ph.D? Maybe there's a lot of fault on my side? Did I make the right decision? Should I have just let my dog suffer a big longer? What else should I have done? What should I do now?
> 
> I know there's probably no right answer and that the past can't be changed and misunderstanding and resentment is very hard to clear up but I'd at the very least want to learn something valuable and see what the public opinion is.




It appears that you are in the more needy position. You are questioning yourself and stated that your girlfriend is selfish and resentful.

I think you need to get more independent and self sustaining. You are too vulnerable to this selfish/resentful woman that wants to break up with you. 

You need to build yourself up so that you can be in a better position to deal with your situation. *If you are in a needy and vulnerable position then you will always be susceptible to your girlfriend’s selfishness and resentments.[/*COLOR]


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

From a 50+ woman's point-of-view...

Your signature says a lot about you; you think you are a good guy. And you're right, you ARE a good guy. But, you are TOO good of a guy, too NICE of a guy. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.

You think by bending over backwards for others (instead of being just reasonably accommodating), they will see you as a "good guy." But for the most part, they won't; they will see you as a push-over, a doormat, someone who is 'nice enough, but (I) just don't respect him.' It's hard for super-nice people like you to see, but others perceive you as too needy for approval, too needy for acknowledgement and acceptance. And selfish, self-centered people like your ex-gf are even MORE APT to treat you badly because of it. They like that you accomodate their selfish wishes, but secretly they wish you'd tell them to F***-off sometimes when even they know (in their heart of hearts) that they're being excessively unreasonable.

I don't think this is a good relationship for you. Among other things, you seem to feel that she is 'better' than you to some degree because of her upbringing or her family or her PhD. You're ALWAYS going to feel inferior to this woman and you're ALWAYS going to try TOO HARD to get her to acknowledge/accept you the way you are.

If you were MY son, I'd advise you to walk away, get some individualized counselling to help you better focus on YOUR goals (life, woman, career, family, etc.), then look for someone new with your new-found knowledge in hand.

Good luck!


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I have several close relatives with Ph.Ds, some from Ivy League universities, and while they can be know-it-alls at times, they're not quite as neurotic as your girlfriend. Do you have a Ph.D. in her field? Is that why she wanted you to review the document? I assume her thesis advisor(s) is helping her with the work so why ask you unless you're normally a sounding board for her work.

I think if you stay with her, you'll certainly have an inferiority complex. I can already see some glimpses of it now in parts of your post. 

She could have more been more sympathetic to the plight of your dog and the medical emergency. I read a lot of "me, me,me" coming from her. If you marry her, know that this won't change unless she has some come to Jesus moment (unlikely). What you see now is what you're going to get in the future. Can you live with a person like that?


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> From a 50+ woman's point-of-view...
> 
> Your signature says a lot about you; you think you are a good guy. And you're right, you ARE a good guy. But, you are TOO good of a guy, too NICE of a guy. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.
> 
> ...


agree he should not be in depression over this either. 



Coffee Amore said:


> I have several close relatives with Ph.Ds, some from Ivy League universities, and while they can be know-it-alls at times, they're not quite as neurotic as your girlfriend. Do you have a Ph.D. in her field? Is that why she wanted you to review the document? I assume her thesis advisor(s) is helping her with the work so why ask you unless you're normally a sounding board for her work.
> 
> I think if you stay with her, you'll certainly have an inferiority complex. I can already see some glimpses of it now in parts of your post.
> 
> She could have more been more sympathetic to the plight of your dog and the medical emergency. I read a lot of "me, me,me" coming from her. If you marry her, know that this won't change unless she has some come to Jesus moment (unlikely). What you see now is what you're going to get in the future. Can you live with a person like that?


:iagree:


Best of luck to TS


----------

