# waiting too long for proposal?



## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi everyone, 
I'm new here and just wanted some advice about my situation.. thanks for reading!!!
We're both 29..met when we were 26
Met a guy online - he was the first one he met after signing up and he was maybe my 8th date. 
We set it off on the first date, maybe went a bit too far but not all the way. Next few days he talked about just wanting to have fun and nothing serious. I was obviously in it for serious. 
He dated another girl from the website after he went out with me and we already slept together, also. 
After that, I gave him an ultimatum. He said he just broke off with his gf who he was with only for a few months and wasn't ready. But after my ultimatum he agreed to go steady (i.e. not date anyone else). 
He went to see his ex a month into our dating. Lied about it and I found out many months later, was obviously upset. He said he just wanted closure - they went to a ballet concert together! However he said they didn't see each other again after that although she wanted to see him again? Who knows if he is telling the truth.
Anyway fast forward, everything has been great since then, we have met parents, lived together for a year (as my job was near his then), now live separately 3 hrs away from each other.
Now it's been 3 years +, and I have had 'the talk' already about what's the plan.....his initial response was..he wasn't ready for marriage, not really thinking about it at the moment....
I was devasatated. Now all my family and his family saying it's time blabla......
But he's still not done anything. I feel like I keep pressuring him too. Now I'm 29... He says it's because he is looking for a better job nearer to me, wants to be more financially stable etc... And now he's loaning his brother 10,000 dollars!
I don't know.. We get along great we hardly fight but.... why is he not proposing? Now he's saying yes yes a plan is in place, but i highly doubt it. He keeps saying he has no time to get a ring. But all his free time, he's watching movies and playing computer games. 

What should I do? Obviously I think I also have self esteem issues and that I can't meet guys easily - thus the online dating previously. So he's great and everything, but what's missing?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Never pressure someone to make such a HUGE step. You've told him you're ready, you've asked him about the future, he's told you he wasn't ready and he's made no attempts to make a future with you, time to move on. You're ready, who knows if he ever will be. He might not ever be. He might also become ready once he knows he's about to loose you. Then again, he might not. Either way, you are ready for marriage so find someone who is.


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## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

Hiya, thanks for your reply. Now that I'm typing the story it does seem like that is the answer. He has however been great to me and does so much for me etc throughout these 3 years. So you think if he proposes when i want to leave, that is acceptable?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yup, if he proposes and you are still in love with him, then it doesn't matter if you have already left or not, right? Sometimes a woman needs to make a man "see" what he is loosing by walking out the door. Show the man your ass.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sweetie it's time to move on.

There were red flags so I think he's doing you a huge favor.

This guy is not marriage material.

Experience: I've been married 21 years.


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## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

thanks for all your advice. i have decided to take a break with him and see what happens. if he wants to be with me he'll have to work very hard. otherwise, it's goodbye and i'll start my life again.


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

If he wants to marry you, he'll propose, and he'll do it on his own timeline. You can't force him to agree with you and want to marry you just because that's what you want, and if you end up pressuring him into it, your relationship will become a disaster sooner or later.

It seems like you two have completely different visions for the future. He's not ready to settle down, and you are. Find someone who wants the same things for the future as you do, and in the same time frame.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

glimmerhead said:


> What should I do? Obviously I think I also have self esteem issues and that I can't meet guys easily - thus the online dating previously. So he's great and everything, but what's missing?


Stop pressuring him.

You pressured him into a relationship when he honestly told you he wasn't ready.
He proved he wasn't ready by being with another woman yet he pushed through and eventually submitted to your ultimatum in the beginning.

Now he tells you he isn't ready for marriage and you pressure him into it anyway.

What do you think is going to happen this time?

You guys aren't on the same page and by forcing him to get on your page you're asking for trouble.

Personally I don't know what's so attractive about a man you can intimidate into disrespecting himself.


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## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

Anyway I have told him I wanted some time out to think thru things. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by pressuring him now. But how can I keep continuing the relationship like that without it feeling right?

I come from a traditional Asian family, and dating for 4 1/2 years, being almost 30 yrs old, and him never talking about US in the future, and including me in his plans is just...scary! 

In terms of what i want, I don't want him to propose to me NOW, but if he showed me he was thinking about US for the future, talking to me about the future together, his plans etc with ME in it, I would be happy.

I felt by taking a break, maybe it will give him a kick up the backside and make him realize how much he could lose. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do, but it felt right, and it's done. Sigh.

If he doesn't want to get married, then fine, I'll move on. Why is it pressuring, it's just making him decide, and if he doesn't want to - that's fine! I think 3+ years is enough for a man to decide... What's wrong with promising marriage?


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## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Stop pressuring him.
> 
> You pressured him into a relationship when he honestly told you he wasn't ready.
> He proved he wasn't ready by being with another woman yet he pushed through and eventually submitted to your ultimatum in the beginning.
> ...


What would you do then? Keep going on in the relationship until he proposes, one day, maybe 6 years down the line?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

glimmerhead said:


> So you think if he proposes when i want to leave, that is acceptable?


Would you find it acceptable for him to propose to you under pressure? Would you really want _that _sort of proposal from your BF? Marriage is a huge step, and I wouldn't want to enter into it with someone who wasn't totally into the idea...

Don't give your BF any ultimatums that you're not prepared to follow through on, or leave him in an attempt to force his hand. 

If you're unhappy with the current situation, you have only two choices, IMO. Remain unhappy or move on.


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## glimmerhead (Apr 9, 2013)

You guys are right. After sleeping on it it looks clearer now. Why would i wanna force him into this. Aghhhh..... and I've told him I want time out already.. I don't think I am ready to leave him....Man, am I stuck...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No you're not!

Start meeting other men, you'll never find the right man if you keep waiting for the wrong one. "Move on" means to continue your life, going out with friends, meeting other men. Move on means that you continue to take steps toward the future you want. Wouldn't you rather be married to a man who WANTS you to be his wife?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

glimmerhead said:


> Hi everyone,
> I'm new here and just wanted some advice about my situation.. thanks for reading!!!
> We're both 29..met when we were 26
> Met a guy online - he was the first one he met after signing up and he was maybe my 8th date.
> ...


What part of _he does not want to get married_ do you not get? He may be wonderful and everything, but he does not want to marry you. He's told you that for 3 years now. Wait another 3 years, he'll tell you the same thing.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally Posted by tacoma
> Stop pressuring him.
> 
> You pressured him into a relationship when he honestly told you he wasn't ready.
> ...





> Originally Posted by glimmerhead
> What would you do then? Keep going on in the relationship until he proposes, one day, maybe 6 years down the line?


tacoma is RIGHT ON THE MONEY, and YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT, glimmerhead!

Since DAY ONE, YOU have been pushing, molding, shoving, pulling, shaping this relationship to be what YOU want because YOU want what YOU want and you think YOUR way/idea is best. That's fair enough, we ALL like to think our way is best. But there *IS* someone else involved in this relationship and YOU seem to steamroll RIGHT OVER HIS wants/needs/ideas in order to get what YOU want. That is NOT alright!


*You were the FIRST WOMAN he met when he signed up for the dating site and you were PUSHING for a SERIOUS relationship.* He said he didn't want that, but you dismissed what HE wanted because it didn't fit with what YOU wanted. The smarter choice would have been to let him go and look for someone who wanted to date SERIOUSLY.
*He told you from the get-go that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship because he just got out of one.* You dismissed that, too, because it didn't fit with what YOU wanted. The smarter choice would have been to let him go and look for someone who wanted to date SERIOUSLY.
You two slept together TOO SOON considering that neither of you was emotionally invested in the relationship at that point. *He saw another girl *(as he had pointed out from the beginning he WANTED to do) *and YOU saw this as a betrayal and dishonest on his part,* because it didn't fit with what YOU wanted.

Now he says he isn't ready for marriage. Does that mean he isn't ready for marriage at all, or he isn't ready for marriage with you? Who knows? If your agenda is to be married fairly soon (for whatever reason: biological clock, familial obligation, societal pressure) and he is NOT INCLINED TO MARRY at this point then, PLEASE, do both of you a favor and WALK AWAY FOR GOOD AT THIS POINT. In fact, even if he DID decide to marry you at this point, you should still walk away...and here's why:

You have been steamrolling him since the day you met online to meet YOUR needs, but you have been dismissing all of HIS NEEDS which are every bit as important (if totally at odds) as YOUR NEEDS.

If you try to coerce, guilt, force him into marrying you, it will NOT end well! You will be back here in less than 10 years and your posts will be about how YOU have to do all the heavy lifting in your marriage; that your H is NOT a partner to you, just another burden like a child. That if it wasn't for you, NOTHING would get accomplished (we wouldn't have gotten married, had kids, moved to XYZ-land, gotten his promotion, etc.).

Please don't get me wrong...there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting what you want. It is normal, it is natural. YOUR MISTAKE is that you're trying to get what YOU WANT from someone who does NOT share your vision. If you don't have a mutual vision for the future, then EVERYTHING from here on out will be a fight/disagreement/contest to see WHO IS GOING TO GET HIS/HER WAY! 

Move on! This is NOT the man for you, he NEVER WAS. You have pushed him in this relationship from the beginning and he has acquiesced (none too gracefully); this is NOT a man who will carry 1/2 of your load (because HE does not see the same value in YOUR load that you do).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

glimmerhead said:


> You guys are right. After sleeping on it it looks clearer now. Why would i wanna force him into this. Aghhhh..... and I've told him I want time out already.. I don't think I am ready to leave him....Man, am I stuck...


Glimmerhead, you're only stuck if you don't act...

Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want / don't want, but I don't think it's ever a good idea to set up home together without having a clear idea of where a relationship is heading. It just sounds to me as though you guys weren't on the same page from the beginning, and nothing's changed in that regard.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

time to move on. these are precious years in your life, especially if you want kids one day. you don't want to wake up one day 2,3,6,years from now and finally hear that knock on the head that's telling you that this guy will never commit to you. At your age (which is still very young, but old enough to want to get married within a year of dating), I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about your hopes and dreams quickly into a relationship. That's the smart thing to do so you don't waste time again with a guy who has no intention of getting married. It's tough to walk away but it will only get harder. good luck.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

When a man (or woman) is showing you (and telling) what they are... believe them. He's showing you what he is, but you don't want to hear it, cause it doesn't fit into what you want.

I met, dated, and married my wife in under 2 years... because i knew what i wanted. When a man wants a woman... there is NOTHING in the world that stands in his way. I'm not saying he doesn't want you, i'm saying that he doesn't want to marry you, atleast not right now. Take steps to move on, and if he really wants you... he'll come running. If he's okay with you guys taking a break, well that should give you all the ammunition you want to make this break permenantly. Like others said, you don't want to have this conversation 5 years from now, and he's still dragging his feet.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Don't know if the OP is around but,this tread would enlighten her In regards to her situation:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...e-marriage-ultimatum-tonight.html#post1547903


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## Topical storm (Mar 30, 2013)

glimmerhead said:


> You guys are right. After sleeping on it it looks clearer now. Why would i wanna force him into this. Aghhhh..... and I've told him I want time out already.. I don't think I am ready to leave him....Man, am I stuck...


I mean this in the most endearing way possible. 

"Are you stuck on cupid or are you stuck on stupid?"- Seymore Starks


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

glimmerhead said:


> Hi everyone,
> I'm new here and just wanted some advice about my situation.. thanks for reading!!!
> We're both 29..met when we were 26
> Met a guy online - he was the first one he met after signing up and he was maybe my 8th date.
> ...


You have a lot of growing up to do. 

You are ready to lock into a life-long commitment with someone you have only known for 3 yrs who doesn't want to, who cheats on you, lies to you, keeps secrets from you, etc.

His actions show he has no interest in marrying you, HE'S JUST STRINGING YOU ALONG. 

Do you really want to be married to a person who's not in love with you? You must be able to imagine the possible outcome of that...if not, look around the "coping with infidelity" forums...you may need to get comfortable there one day.

Take some away from this situation and try to get some clarity. It sounds ridiculous, marrying this guy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

glimmerhead said:


> We get along great we hardly fight but.... why is he not proposing?


Because he doesn't want to.

It is really that simple.

FYI: Pressuring someone to marry you is not the way to go. Forcing a marriage is the exact opposite thing you want to happen.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

glimmerhead said:


> What would you do then? Keep going on in the relationship until he proposes, one day, maybe 6 years down the line?


You have a few choices:

Force him in to marriage via an ultimatum. How loved do you feel by that option that you had to do that? Do you respect him or resent him after that?

Stay hoping he might possibly be ready someday. Is this a fee-good option?

Leave and make your life elsewhere.


Men who want to marry will propose. He might want to marry but he doesn't want to marry YOU. I'm not trying to be mean so I'm sorry if it sounds that way but I've seen it over and over again. Men don't want to let a women they value 'get away' so they stake their claim as soon as possible.

This one? He's leaving his options open for something that he views as 'better' to come along. 

If you really want to get married and this is important to you, do yourself a big favor and move on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

glimmerhead said:


> ... He says it's because he is looking for a better job nearer to me, wants to be more financially stable etc... And now he's loaning his brother 10,000 dollars!


Is this the act of a man who is concerned about financial stability for upcoming marriage?
Pay attention to what he does not what he says.



> I don't know.. We get along great we hardly fight but.... why is he not proposing?


He doesn't want to get married.



> What should I do? Obviously I think I also have self esteem issues and that I can't meet guys easily - thus the online dating previously. So he's great and everything, but what's missing?


His desire to marry.
If you want marriage you're going to have to move on to someone who also wants it.
Your boyfriend doesn't


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