# I need some advice, male and female perspectives desired.



## NoFaith (Apr 2, 2012)

I may get attacked here, but I desperately need advice on my rapidly failing marriage.

Some background... I've been with my W for 20 years and we have an 8yo daughter. The W had an couple EA's in year 7 of our marriage. I suspected these were PA too, but I was never was sure, and she never confessed to it.

I fought to keep her. I was scared of living alone, being lonely, afraid I'd never be in a relationship again. I didn't have a support structure outside of her family. I think I may have been co-dependent. Even though I wanted her back and succeeded, it took many years to rebuild trust.

Five years ago, I became very unhappy in our marriage. I didn't, and still don't know how to best articulate the problem, but it may, at the root, be poor communication. Maybe I don't argue effectively. Our arguments consist of me bringing up an issue, then her beating me out with endurance. She will argue until I don't want to argue anymore and then I relent. If the issue is unresolved I may find myself bringing it up again in a month or so, only to have the same non-resolution happen. Sometimes I drop an issue permanently, never bringing it up again, but still remain unhappy about it. 

I know I became very unhappy with my marriage five years ago because that was when I began daydreaming about living alone, or with only my daughter. I took off my wedding ring and I haven't worn it since. I said that it bothered my knuckle, but I realize now I was hoping to have an affair and figured it would get in the way. I began practicing flirting with women, usually at work, but would never initiate anything further. During this time I would have gone further if it was initiated by a woman, I have no doubt of it.

My W is an angry and bitter woman who has become, or perhaps always was, co-dependent. I guess that makes me an enabler. I am also a liar, which perhaps is the method of my enablement. I lie to avoid arguments that I already know the ending to. I lie when I'm asked if I'm still attracted to her (we still have sex). I lie in responses to statements like "I love you." and "I miss you.", which I hear upwards of 20 times a day. And now I lie to cover my new PA which is developing into a PA/EA.

My OW is in a loveless/sexless marriage. She once asked me, "I know why I'm doing this, but why are you?". I gave some flippant answer about variety, but it rang hollow in my ears. On the surface, it should not have been such a thought provoking question, but it was. I ultimately concluded that, at a very basic level, my needs aren't being met in my marriage, if not physically, emotionally.

I have now left my house and I'm staying with some family. My W was devastated that I left, she doesn't want me to go, and I'm trying to figure out if I still love her. Because of the lying, she thinks I've only been unhappy these last 2 months, when introspection into my feelings began and I've been discovering why I'm having an A. W still does not know about my PA/EA. I moved out because I'm honestly concerned she would attack me/mutilate me/kill me if she finds out about the A. 

W and I have started MC now at her request. I want to stop lying, to myself and to others, but I also don't want to intentionally hurt my W and especially my daughter. 

I realize I haven't gone into much detail regarding the marital problems, if it would help I can do so. Please offer any advice that you think will help me.


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

Do you want this marriage to work? Are you prepared to actively go through all the required emotional and physical work required in doing so? Or do you plan to bail?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MC isn`t going to do a damn thing if you`re still in the affair.

It doesn`t sound like you want this marriage anymore.

Why not divorce?


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## NoFaith (Apr 2, 2012)

Kasus said:


> Do you want this marriage to work? Are you prepared to actively go through all the required emotional and physical work required in doing so? Or do you plan to bail?


I'm honestly undecided if I want the marriage to work. I'd have to say i'm leaning towards Divorce by about 80/20. I've become very adept at suppressing my emotions and I had a guilt induced emotional breakdown after 2 days gone.


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## NoFaith (Apr 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> MC isn`t going to do a damn thing if you`re still in the affair.
> 
> It doesn`t sound like you want this marriage anymore.
> 
> Why not divorce?


The affair. Moving out. W's heartache. Daughter's pain of missing me. My pain of missing my daughter.

The obligation and guilt of my actions is heavy. I keep feeling it all can be fixed if I go back to being unhappy or satisfied with less than I desire. However, I don't think I can do that, so I'm fighting with myself.


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

You are in the fog. You are too weak-minded to independently force this fantasy out of your mind. This is why exposure allows to you come back to reality. You need to tell your wife. 

You talk about whether you want to stay in this marriage or not. But the fact it is that it is no longer your choice. The affair is 100% on you. Now if, and only if, your wife decides to reconcile, then you can work on the 50/50 side of the marriage. As of right now you are depriving your wife of HER right to make an informed decision on the marriage.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Make a choice, and give it all you have. 

First, choose to drop the affair. All that is doing is distracting you from what needs to be your real focus: working on the marriage OR learning about yourself and why/how you got into this position. If you choose to leave your wife, do it with the understanding that you are going to be alone for a while--a year or two--until you are an emotionally stable adult male.

Your habits suggest a lot of fear of conflict, and any relationship you enter will have conflict--which, without a willingness to take a stand and be alone because of it, will lead you to lie more. You need to work on YOU.

If you choose to stay, start marriage counseling along with individual counseling. Your daughter needs you to be a better person than you are right now. If that doesn't motivate you, nothing will.

Good luck.


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## NoFaith (Apr 2, 2012)

Kasus said:


> You are in the fog. You are too weak-minded to independently force this fantasy out of your mind. This is why exposure allows to you come back to reality. You need to tell your wife.
> 
> You talk about whether you want to stay in this marriage or not. But the fact it is that it is no longer your choice. The affair is 100% on you. Now if, and only if, your wife decides to reconcile, then you can work on the 50/50 side of the marriage. As of right now you are depriving your wife of HER right to make an informed decision on the marriage.


Thanks. I had thought about doing that. Both decisions prove I'm a coward. 
1) Tell about affair. I'm no longer lying. I'm giving her choice with full disclosure. Revealing will hurt her. Revealing will make divorce and custody more difficult and bitter. I'm removing the choice from myself alone, something I do all the time in my marriage (cowardice). 
2) Don't tell. I'm still lying, possible forever. I'm avoiding confrontation and emotions, cowardice. I'm removing choice from her if I choose reconciliation. Makes divorce and custody easier by comparison. I'm making the divorce/reconciliation decision myself. 

I don't want to hurt her. It pained me so much to leave, but 2 is more cowardly.


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