# I'm tired of wondering



## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

Wife and I are in our late 20's, been married for 8 yrs and have a 6 year old. Shortly after our son was born, my wife became a SAHM. I work full time and go to school to support the family. A couple of years ago we moved into our home (rental). We have a great relationship and I love her unconditionally. 

My wife started babysitting about a year ago to earn some extra money for the family, shortly after our son started going to school. She's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and takes medication, but has confided to me that she doesn't think she can enter the workforce again. So she babysits during the day while I work.

My wife is what you would call "420" friendly. She likes to smoke and although I do not, I don't mind if she does it responsibly, after I get home and after our son goes to bed. 

We live next door to our landlord, who is confined to a wheelchair and is in bad health. His brother, who is an absolute loser of a man stays with him and is his caretaker. This man has never had a job, is in his mid 50's and takes care of my landlord for room and board. This man also likes to smoke weed. 

My wife and this man (caretaker) have developed a friendship over the past couple of years, where she will go over to his house and smoke with him. I've allowed this (stupidly) because I have never seen this man as a threat to our marriage. He has the mental capacity of a 12 year old it seems. 

Over the course of the last few years, he has bought her gifts (small things here and there) and will do things like check our mail and bring it to our home. I started to get a little aggravated about it because I could see that his intentions were starting to come off as strange. She friended him on Facebook and he was sending her messages constantly. Nothing bad, just videos and funny pictures, but the volume was staggering (20+ overnight).

I finally had about enough and told her that I felt like he was not behaving in a way that was supportive of our marriage and I didn't want her hanging around him anymore. She says the reason she even goes to see him is because she's been around kids all day and just wants to get out of the house for a while during the week and relax. She swears he has never acted inappropriate towards her, and that she would never give him the impression that that kind of behavior would be acceptable. She however, doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with her behavior and has not stopped going over despite my request. 

He calls her just about every night, sometimes twice a night to try and get her to come over to his house. Since I voiced my objections, she will now ignore his calls. He has stopped sending Facebook messages almost completely, and does not give her gifts anymore. I am afraid that there is at least a EA going on, and my objections have just driven this underground. I can't honestly believe that she could ever be attracted to this guy. He is basically a functioning homeless person, but I guess anything is possible. 

My gut has been screaming for a while now. She doesn't act differently, doesn't dress up to see this guy. Our sex life is the same as it's always been. However I have been reading a lot about "distancing" psychological techniques and the way to make someone feel not as likely of a threat, and I believe she is doing this subconsciously. "He's a loser" " I hate him" etc. She now has been claiming that by going over she is "keeping the peace" by being nice to our landlord and checking on him to make sure he's ok. I don't know if I'm overly paranoid (my last relationship ended in a PA so I'm hyper sensitive and don't want to be played again) but I don't want to accuse my wife of something she hasn't done. I've VARed the house, no contact during the day while I'm gone. No texts, he doesn't even own a cell phone. 


She knows how I feel about this and will be OVERLY nice to me if she wants to go over when I get home. I don't know if I should go too, but I don't like the guy one bit and it would be very awkward and they would obviously know what I was doing. I also don't want him in my house. The other day I overheard her talking to a girlfriend and she admitted that she thinks he has a crush on her, but laughed it off to her girlfriend. Any advice would be appreciated. I love my wife but if I confirm anything is going on I'm gone. 100%


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

If there's weed in the mix, sexual tension between the two of them is absolutely inevitable when they smoke together alone. Yes I've smoked with enough male friends to know this. Yes this is at least an EA.

You need to find a new rental.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

@Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You and she both need to read this book. It is not just for 'after' infidelity. If more couples read this before they got serious maybe there'd be a lot of them who never started down the slippery slope in the first place.

https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/not-just-friends-rebuilding-trust/9780743225502-item.html


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FSU said:


> @Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.


For some reason, some 20 something girls seem to go for older dudes. I've never understood it, nor have I ever done it. But it's possible. DO NOT discount it just cuz of his age.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You are a bit naive. 

He's a man without much, he'll take it if he can get it. 

She is also a bit naive and her boundaries are problematic for a wife and mother. 

25+ years or not she's getting something from a male figure in her life other than you. 

Why isn't she getting her release time with you?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

FSU said:


> @Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.



Most people do not go looking for affairs and often "affair down" from their spouse because they did not expect to develop feelings for someone like that (older, burnout, etc.). 

Women can develop feelings for a guy who regularly gives them attention, affection, intimate conversation, and companionship. 

This is why people who have appropriate boundaries typically do not have affairs- they don't allow the opposite sex to meet any of the above needs.

The volume of texting alone signals an EA with this guy. It likely started as a way to find companionship while you are gone a lot (working FT and going to school). She's getting her needs met outside of the marriage.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about moving?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FSU,

Your gut is going off for a reason, my guess is that this dude is making attempts to breach your Ws defenses and will succeed to some measure if he has not already.

OM-3 with my W was 85 years old, and as my W put it disgusting, I never met him although I went looking before he died. So why did my W drive him places, go into his apartment, become accepted by his family, make statements to me that cheaters make and accept gifts from him? 

I think the answer is that he was meeting my Ws needs in ways I was not, when I was not there, he gave her admiration, he gave her unconditional acceptance, he flattered her in ways he had refined over the years. I not sure if my W complained about our marriage to OM-3 but it would not surprise me as that is part of the progression in conversation that OM become good at.

Tamat


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FSU said:


> @Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.


I would have a very serious "chat"with this dude and inquire on whether he liked hospital food.
Just saying.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

@Jld I wish we could. Basically short answer is limited financial resources currently. I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FSU said:


> @Jld I wish we could. Basically short answer is limited financial resources currently. I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.


Then tell your wife the smoking with him is over.

And have Andy talk to the guy.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

@Andy1001 I get you. I have debated this more than once. I have an MMA background and I could hurt this guy if given the opportunity. He is deathly scared of me, doesn't speak to me whatsoever. If I were to do that, it most certainly would end with us having to move, something I'm not financially able to do.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

FSU said:


> @Keke24 would you have sexual tension with someone who is 25 years older than you? That's the part that had kept me from blowing up. If this guy was 30 I would have never allowed this. But he seems strange (like a burnout) who on the surface doesn't seem harmful. It would be helpful to have a female perspective.


There will be sexual tension regardless of age and attractiveness. The oh fvkk moment came for me when I experienced sexual tension with a male cousin. Pretty gross right? Even worse he's the most worthless, unambitious person I know. Yep this is what ganja does when you smoke one on one repeatedly with a member of the opposite sex.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

@TAMAT, 
How did you resolve your situation? How did you finally get her to admit what was going on?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FSU said:


> @Andy1001 I get you. I have debated this more than once. I have an MMA background and I could hurt this guy if given the opportunity. He is deathly scared of me, doesn't speak to me whatsoever. If I were to do that, it most certainly would end with us having to move, something I'm not financially able to do.


"Accidents" happen all the time.Ok I'm not really suggesting you hurt him but you need to take some sort of action.Go over there and tell him that if he ever let's your wife inside his house again you will take certain actions to ensure her safety.Like breaking both his legs.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FSU said:


> I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.


Probably because she does not see him as any threat to you. She is laughing about him to her girlfriend, remember?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> For some reason, some 20 something girls seem to go for older dudes. I've never understood it, nor have I ever done it. But it's possible. DO NOT discount it just cuz of his age.





Not that I mean to thread jack but in answer to your statement about not understanding why the twenty something ladies seem more interested in older men, you are right but there is a reason.

Forgive my stereo typing but a good portion of the twenty something males never grew up. They are still sitting in mom and dads basement playing video games and getting stoned. Not a lot of motivation or drive. So when the twenty something women are looking for a man they look at the men their age as boys. Then they look at the forty something guys out there that don't play video games, have a good career, do manly things like fix their own car and make repairs around the house and they quickly see that the older guys maybe don't have the astonishing good looks of youth but they are very masculine manly men, not little boys that need a mommy.

As we've always said here, women aren't attracted to weak men. A lot of the Metro sexual video game junkie guys today come of as pretty weak and immature, neither of these are attractive qualities.

as far as the original post goes, I'm not sure why but I remember reading something almost identical about a year ago. Not sure if it was here or on SI but it is almost the exact same story just a couple details with some minor changes. Maybe coincidence or maybe just some new fishing, who knows.

In any event assuming its a legitimate post I will answer like this, It sounds to me like he is friend zoned. She needs somebody to get stoned with and he is better than nobody, he's conveniently located right next door which makes life easier to get a buzz with little effort.

If everything you have said is accurate than I don't think there is much to worry about, but, and this is a big but, This is only if you are being honest with yourself about your evaluation of him.

Have you decided he is a loser and as such you don't see any of his good qualities or is he really the mentally deficient loser you have made him out to be. is he physically attractive/ok? IS he able to communicate with your wife on a level that is consistent of your wife's mental acuity?

Don't look at him and evaluate whether or not you like him, look at him and evaluate him from the perspective of whether or not he has anything to offer a potential partner/mate. If he is as bad as you say than I think the relationship is very likely exactly what she is telling you, not that it can't change in the future but for now I think it is what she says it is.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> FSU,
> 
> Your gut is going off for a reason, my guess is that this dude is making attempts to breach your Ws defenses and will succeed to some measure if he has not already.
> 
> ...



Couldn't agree more Tamat, I suspect that he is trying to groom her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> Not that I mean to thread jack but in answer to your statement about not understanding why the twenty something ladies seem more interested in older men, you are right but there is a reason.
> 
> Forgive my stereo typing but a good portion of the twenty something males never grew up. They are still sitting in mom and dads basement playing video games and getting stoned. Not a lot of motivation or drive. So when the twenty something women are looking for a man they look at the men their age as boys. Then they look at the forty something guys out there that don't play video games, have a good career, do manly things like fix their own car and make repairs around the house and they quickly see that the older guys maybe don't have the astonishing good looks of youth but they are very masculine manly men, not little boys that need a mommy.
> 
> ...


That's great.Until she gets so stoned that he starts looking good.Have you heard of beer glasses,well weed goggles are very similar.By the way op while you are busting your ass who is paying for this weed and is it legal in your state.It would be an awful shame if someone called the cops and reported drug dealing going on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Probably because she does not see him as any threat to you. She is laughing about him to her girlfriend, remember?


How many times on this forum have you seen someone making derogatory remarks about someone that they ended up having an affair with.He is grooming her and she may have to pay for her weed one way or another.And if she has no money.....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

FSU said:


> I think the thing that bothers me is that I've made it an issue and instead of taking my feelings into account, my W thinks it's no big deal. I don't know (other than a D untimatum) what would convince her that I am seriously upset about it.



You sit down and tell her exactly what you feel when she hangs out with him and where you believe it leads. That's how you set a boundary. No yelling, no threats (divorce). Just what treatment you are willing to accept in your M. You also make it possible for her to find some of that down time with you. You don't control her or decide for her, you are only in control of what you will accept as a good marriage. Does that make sense? 

Read the book @Hope1964 recommended. NOT "Just Friends" and Boundaries in Marriage

Best


BTW, I've seen plenty of 40+ lifelong unmotivated pothead losers get plenty of tail. They put on enough of an act to score. Nothing long term, but that's not the goal. Mostly low hanging fruit (low self-esteem).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> How many times on this forum have you seen someone making derogatory remarks about someone that they ended up having an affair with.He is grooming her and she may have to pay for her weed one way or another.And if she has no money.....


Good point about how is she paying for it. I doubt he has any real chance with her, though, however much he dreams about it.

OP, you seem like a good guy, a real family man. I cannot imagine this guy holding a candle to you.

But you don't want to take any chances, especially since you know any even unintentional drug-inspired fooling around will mean you will divorce her. *Make those consequences very clear.*


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FSU,

You wrote, *I'm doing all I can to keep us comfortable while finishing school.*

*The OM knows this as well*, you or I might not do something like this to someone elses wife out of compassion for her children, husband or even her general state of well being, but this OM is an opportunist. 

People may mock you for seeing this guy as a threat, but most of the people who will mock you have no understanding of how powerful emotional affairs are and will not be there for you when your marriage falls apart.

Tamat


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it. 

Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FSU said:


> First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
> 
> Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?


Of course you are not wrong.

Is she an addict? Is that why you don't think she will listen if you lay down the law?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

FSU said:


> She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day...


She absolutely is! We are all allowed down time. 

Now is the time to figure out what that could be. Something that does not harm the relationship between you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FSU said:


> First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
> 
> Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?


You know op,if this guy is such a loser and if your wife is really laughing at him behind his back because he has a crush on her it doesn't say a lot for her own personality.Maybe she is not the woman you think she is and maybe you should point this out.
She is making a fool out of a sad,lonely older man(your words).
Maybe she is also making a fool out of a sad hardworking young man as well.You.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> You know op,if this guy is such a loser and *if your wife is really laughing at him behind his back because he has a crush on her it doesn't say a lot for her own personality.*Maybe she is not the woman you think she is and maybe you should point this out.
> She is making a fool out of a sad,lonely older man(your words).
> Maybe she is also making a fool out of a sad hardworking young man as well.You.


It is not very nice of her, OP. She might be old and lonely someday, too.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

You are not wrong to want your relationship with your wife to be safe. Hope she feels the same about it.

I know that everyone is discounting the weed dude, but remember, he does not have to be enough for a long term relationship.

A wrongly spent 5 mins will be more than enough to wreak your marriage.

Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Of course you are not wrong.
> 
> Is she an addict? Is that why you don't think she will listen if you lay down the law?


She is taking medication for anxiety and depression and is smoking weed on a daily basis.And people trust her to babysit their children.I wouldn't let her take care of a goldfish.This is not going to end well and if she gets a criminal record she will find it very difficult to re enter the workplace.But she doesn't want to work anyway so you have a future of subsidising your wife's pot addiction and watching her walk out the door as soon as you come home.
Come on man,do you not see where this is going.She will be caught smoking weed by her employer and he will call the cops.What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides heartache.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> She is taking medication for anxiety and depression and is smoking weed on a daily basis.And people trust her to babysit their children.I wouldn't let her take care of a goldfish.This is not going to end well and if she gets a criminal record she will find it very difficult to re enter the workplace.But she doesn't want to work anyway so you have a future of subsidising your wife's pot addiction and watching her walk out the door as soon as you come home.
> Come on man,do you not see where this is going.She will be caught smoking weed by her employer and he will call the cops.What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides heartache.


Andy, what are you suggesting he do? Just divorce her right now? They have a 6 year old son together.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@FSU, your DW is quite a bit immature, if you have to explain this more than twice. 

Ask her how she would feel if you spent so much time getting high with some other woman because you needed to relax?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Andy, what are you suggesting he do? Just divorce her right now? They have a 6 year old son together.


I'm suggesting he removes his son from an environment of abuse of prescription drugs and illegal drug taking.Her prescribed drugs are more than likely being neutralised by her weed addiction and most types of prescribed cannabis are not recommended for people suffering from anxiety because the initial feeling of euphoria is quickly lost to be replaced by even more anxiety.And that is only prescribed cannabis,who knows what **** she is smoking.This woman is also caring for other children and I am only speaking for myself but if I found out someone was using illegal substances while looking after my child she wouldn't be doing the job for much longer.Childminders where I live have to have background checks and must be available for drug testing and alcohol testing during working hours.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I'm suggesting he removes his son from an environment of abuse of prescription drugs and illegal drug taking.Her prescribed drugs are more than likely being neutralised by her weed addiction and most types of prescribed cannabis are not recommended for people suffering from anxiety because the initial feeling of euphoria is quickly lost to be replaced by even more anxiety.And that is only prescribed cannabis,who knows what **** she is smoking.This woman is also caring for other children and I am only speaking for myself but if I found out someone was using illegal substances while looking after my child she wouldn't be doing the job for much longer.Childminders where I live have to have background checks and must be available for drug testing and alcohol testing during working hours.


You certainly make some good points.

Gosh, that would surely be hard for him to just leave her, though, especially as busy as he is with school and work. And the last thing he wants is for her to take up with another man and have his son around him, since his wife would probably have primary custody.


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## FSU (Apr 18, 2017)

I have raised the issue to her before and her response was of course that she trusts me and wouldn't be upset. I honestly could never believe that. The truth is that she would flip. 

My wife is an amazing mother and caregiver. I would never disparage her in that regard. She takes medication to treat serious issues but that does not affect her ability to care for our son or the children she watches. She works her butt off, she just simply doesn't feel like she is at a place now where she can be in a traditional working environment. 

As I said before, my previous relationship ended in a PA that I found out about and devistated me. I don't believe I have ever been able to trust anyone 100% since. I don't know that I ever will. I have always been paranoid since. I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Trust your gut young grasshopper. I would put up some security cameras around the outside of the house. That will tell you all you need to know about her visits next door while you are at work. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FSU said:


> I have raised the issue to her before and her response was of course that she trusts me and wouldn't be upset. I honestly could never believe that. The truth is that she would flip.
> 
> My wife is an amazing mother and caregiver. I would never disparage her in that regard. She takes medication to treat serious issues but that does not affect her ability to care for our son or the children she watches. She works her butt off, she just simply doesn't feel like she is at a place now where she can be in a traditional working environment.
> 
> As I said before, my previous relationship ended in a PA that I found out about and devistated me. I don't believe I have ever been able to trust anyone 100% since. I don't know that I ever will. I have always been paranoid since. I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.


If your wife is involved in a car accident and is drug tested she will fail the test.If your child is with her he may be removed to foster care and then you will really know what heartache is.
Let me tell you something about cannabis that a lot of people don't know.In Dublin,Ireland,there is a prison called mountjoy.A few years ago there was an epidemic of heroin in the prison and nobody seemed to understand how it happened so quickly.What transpired was the prison had brought in a system of drug testing and had by law to give twenty four hours notice to the prisoners.The problem was cannabis can take weeks in certain cases to leave the human body.Heroin on the other hand takes only hours so someone going to prison who liked to get high started using heroin whereas before all they ever did was smoke weed.
I use this example to show you that just because your wife only smokes pot at night when you are looking after your son it will be in her system for weeks and if she is tested for any reason she will fail.And then your troubles will really begin.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FSU said:


> First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
> 
> Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?


Ask her how she would feel if you were constantly taking smoke breaks with a colleague, who constantly buys you gifts and texts you everyday? If she says she doesn't care then you know your answer. you could arrange to have someone text you all the time and talk about your smoke breaks. Remember what is good for the goose is good for the gander, some people don't get that and your wife i one of them.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FSU,

You asked me, *@TAMAT,How did you resolve your situation? How did you finally get her to admit what was going on? *

I told my W that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, I also told my W that OM-3s kids and grandkids would be held accountable if anything was going on or had gone on. 

Had I done nothing I believe the resolution would have been to keep doing things with OM-3 and for her to become almost a sister or some sort of step-mother to OM-3s daughters.

I had sleepless nights and nightmares while this was going on and I destroyed the gifts he had given her as a way of getting rid of his influence.

In the end she told OM-3 his attentions towards her were inappropriate, and she said he apologized. After my W cooled things off with him he became very depressed and died a short while after. My W wanted to see him when he was dying but I told her she could not go without me so she did not go.

I still trigger when one of his daughters sees my W when we are out and hugs my W, I would guess that his daughters had become hardened to his cheating on their mom when he was younger and saw what went on with my W and OM-3 as nothing.

I'm not sure what my W feels about that time in her life she avoids talking about it, but perhaps I should ask her how she would feel sitting at home while I was out with a woman 40 years younger than me. 

Tamat


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

FSU said:


> I want to trust my wife to do what she says, but I always hear "trust your gut" and I'm torn between Wondering if this is something I should really be concerned about or if I'm just projecting the potential issues from my past.


This is not really about trust. This is about reasonable marital boundaries.

One way to define what is reasonable, is to ask yourself a question. Do I have to rely on "trusting" my wife to act appropriately when she continually puts herself in a potentially inappropriate situation? If the answer is yes, then you have allowed her to cross a reasonable marital boundary. You shouldn't have to rely on trusting her.

Bottom line - tell her you can't control what she does but you can control what you accept from her. And constant communication and smoking pot with an opposite sex creepy neighbor, at his house; is something you will no longer accept. 

If she loves you and values her marriage, she will stop the behavior. If she doesn't, she won't.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

aine said:


> Ask her how she would feel if you were constantly taking smoke breaks with a colleague, who constantly buys you gifts and texts you everyday? If she says she doesn't care then you know your answer. you could arrange to have someone text you all the time and talk about your smoke breaks. Remember what is good for the goose is good for the gander, some people don't get that and your wife i one of them.




Aine, you beat me to it!!! But I would go much further then just simple texting. FSU, do as @aine has suggested, but start talking about a female who just got hired at your work, excessively. Obviously this female is made up, but use all the language your wife uses as excuses to see OM. Talk about this female all the time, how it's just so great to talk to someone after work. Tell her since you don't smoke that the female and you like to have a drink together. Use the same tactics as your wife, start being overly nice to your wife as she begins to get upset. Then say tomorrow your meeting for drinks. Start coming home late because you met with the female. Tell your wife how nice it is to have someone like this new female to spend time with, just like she does OM. Make a phone call to a friend and discuss the new female to them. Then just drop the bombshell so your wife can hear that you believe this female has a crush on you, has bought you gifts, and then giggle like an eighth grade school boy. 

When your wife explodes just tell her this was her idea and you will not give up this female FRIEND. Tell your wife even if she stops seeing OM you will continue to see the female. When your wife stops seeing the OM for a week then tell her I better be heard the first time I mention something to you. Expose that there never was a female friend but in order for your wife to GET IT this was the measure you had to take. At this time you establish boundaries, and one boundary better be that you respect my concerns, because next time you will be dealing with a lawyer.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

FSU said:


> First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
> 
> Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?



Not wrong at all. 

The best thing you can do is simply state your boundary. It is not up for debate and it doesn't matter if she agrees with you- she just needs to stop doing it because you're not ok with it. Your boundaries are for you- she either respects them or she doesn't. 

"I'm no longer willing to live like this. I'm not ok with you spending any time alone with X or having private communication with him through texts, chats, etc. I will make sure that when I come home, you and I can decompress together. If you need a break, please find a trustworthy girlfriend to hang out with. You spending alone time with men without me is not going to work for me."

The biggest issue is that your wife has inappropriate boundaries and thinks she's entitled to "relax" with anyone she chooses, including alone with a single guy. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that this will not work for you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

FSU said:


> First off, thank you everyone for your responses. It helps to be able to vent. I truly do not believe this man has any quality that a woman my age would be looking for. He has no job, no financial resources, he is not good looking, and could not provide anything even coming close to what I could. I have sat her down before and asked her to just understand where I'm coming from. She seems to think she's entitled to a break from her stressful day, and this is how she chooses to spend it.
> 
> Onto the next issue, we pay for her "recreation". I would never allow her to get things for free or to pay for it "some other way". He doesn't seem to have many? friends, so perhaps he does enjoy the company of someone else who he can smoke with. Unfortunately that person is my wife. I will be sitting her down again to discuss my issue. I'm getting to the point where this is turning into a deal breaker for me. Am I wrong in assuming that a spouse should respect the others boundaries?


FSU, here's some straight talk learned from the School of Hard Knocks ... disregard it at your own peril.

1. I'll venture to say that every BH here had a WW that felt she was "entitled" to something that her BH was uncomfortable with her doing. ENTITLEMENT is a M killer for WW. There is also a counterpoint to being "entitled" ... it also comes with a side of disrespect for their BH ... they simply can't respect YOU and feel "entitled" to act against your wishes.

2. Boundaries are great things in a healthy M, but you have two problems with boundaries ... she won't follow them ... and you haven't enforced them. Boundaries ... like ultimatums ... only work if the party setting the boundary or issuing the ultimatum is prepared to defend them. Again, it falls back to her lack of respect for you and your lack of respect for yourself.

I'm sure many of you will get tired of my posting this piece, but it speaks a powerful language to BH's struggling with their self-respect:

_*The Guy in the Glass*

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass._


It's time for you to step up and take back some measure of control over YOUR life. If you are uncomfortable with the current situation, then its way past time for a "Come to Jesus" moment with your W. She needs to understand that you are no longer accepting of this situation, and further contact with OM will be a deal breaker. 

She will likely start squalling like a mashed cat over you being "controlling", which is straight from the Cheater's Handbook. Simply explain to her that you are not controlling her at all, she is free to do as she pleases, just not as your W. If she continues to smoke it up with the senior citizen, then defend your boundary and have her served. This guy is clearly wanting to fish in your pond ... it doesn't matter if your W says its OK for him to fish there ... it's YOUR pond and you won't tolerate him fishing there.

Time to have a serious discussion with that guy looking back at you in the mirror.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> I'll venture to say that every BH here had a WW that felt she was "entitled" to something that her BH was uncomfortable with her doing.


QFT. 

When I look back on my WW's boundary busting the years before Dday; and my lack of resolve to hold her accountable - wow. Sure I complained about all her GNO's and after work drinks with friends, but I just thought she was being disrespectful to me. I "trusted" her otherwise, so I never really gave her an ultimatum.

OP, the lesson I learned is this. If I had enforced my marital boundary's I might of had to divorce her, or she may have still found a way to cheat; but it would have made it a hell of a lot harder for her to do so.

Now, since we've been in R; she knows my boundaries are firmly in place and there's no ambiguity about whether I will defend them.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This girl is a stoner.She smokes weed every day and her husband is supposedly paying for it.She is unemployable in any job that requires drug testing and she has made it clear to her husband that his boundaries mean nothing to her.She is responsible for the care of her own child and other children,probably while high.
She is quite the prize.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

FSU said:


> She doesn't act differently, doesn't dress up to see this guy. Our sex life is the same as it's always been.


We all know the old guy wants to do ALL KINDS of naughty things to her. He's 50 and male. But he wants to do that with ALL females he knows between 18 and 55 that aren't...unappealing. He doesn't act on it with ANY of them, I'd say. 

My gut, for what it's worth in this case, believes her. She just likes hanging with him. And I'm not saying hanging with another person that much outside of her marriage is healthy, necessarily. But the OP did. He was hunky-dory with it until he got paranoid about a sexual/emotional connection.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> This girl is a stoner.She smokes weed every day and her husband is supposedly paying for it.She is unemployable in any job that requires drug testing and she has made it clear to her husband that his boundaries mean nothing to her.She is responsible for the care of her own child and other children,probably while high.
> She is quite the prize.


I have to speak up on this topic- cannabis is gaining more respect in the medical community. Even the National Institutes of Health reported that their studies in mice showed that cannabis has the ability to shrink cancerous tumors and kill cancer cells while preserving healthy ones. 

There is also non-psychoactive CBD, a compound in cannabis that doesn't produce a high. There is evidence in peer-reviewed studies that CBD can benefit a lot of people who are currently suffering side-effects while on pharmaceuticals. Some drug tests can also detect CBD and this is a major obsticle for people like truck drivers, who suffer from industry-related ailments like insomnia, etc. who could greatly benefit from CBD/cannabis supplementation.

There is also evidence that small doses of THC (psychoactive) help teens and young adults with symptoms of ADHD. One doctor in Santa Barbara who formerly worked in the Federal Drug and Substance Abuse program for 20 years recommends it to teens in his practice with ADHD with great results in improving their performance in school, and life. He says the stigma surrounding cannabis is a problem and that many teens and young adults who use cannabis are in fact self-medicating.

All of this to say that for many people, including moms with PPD, children with autism, ADHD, or seizures, cannabis can be life-changing and with FAR fewer health risks than pharmaceuticals.

I apologize if this seems like a threadjack, but I wanted to speak up because I don't want the OP to think negatively of his wife for using cannabis, unless she is a chronic user and is using it in an unsafe way around her child. I think the OP's issue here is her inappropriate boundaries around men, not the fact that she uses cannabis.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Jessica38 said:


> I have to speak up on this topic- cannabis is gaining more respect in the medical community. Even the National Institutes of Health reported that their studies in mice showed that cannabis has the ability to shrink cancerous tumors and kill cancer cells while preserving healthy ones.
> 
> There is also non-psychoactive CBD, a compound in cannabis that doesn't produce a high. There is evidence in peer-reviewed studies that CBD can benefit a lot of people who are currently suffering side-effects while on pharmaceuticals. Some drug tests can also detect CBD and this is a major obsticle for people like truck drivers, who suffer from industry-related ailments like insomnia, etc. who could greatly benefit from CBD/cannabis supplementation.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree, there is very scanty data at best on the benefits of cannabis. It's very addictive and does affect brain function. It's a good thing to stay away from.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is all true information. The problem lies in her using prescription drugs for anxiety and depression while she is smoking cannabis. She smokes every day and if we were talking about alcohol she would be classed as an alcoholic. We can all look up reports about the benefits of cannabis. If she is using illegal cannabis and working around children I would prefer to err on the side of caution.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I once dated a married women and when I inquired about her husband she said don't worry about him because I blew him last night and been giving him all the sex he wants. You should not have to wonder about your spouse. Odds are that if she is making excuses for her behavior rather than quelling your concerns, she is cheating. I would have a problem even if she was not cheating but behaving in a way that makes me believe she is cheating. I do not need to see proof to know what I feel and whether she is cheating or not, she is making you feel uncomfortable and refuses to do anything about it. If it sounds like cheating, looks like cheating and feels like cheating, it is cheating. I know that when I had an girlfriend that I first showed my wife more attention and then started to distance myself from her. All of her faults all of a sudden became a big deal. I was distancing her to get rid of the guilt feelings I have. It is far more easier to cheat on someone you feel you no longer love than one you still love.

Don't worry about us though, we ended up in a non monogamous marriage not because of me, but because my wife came out as bisexual and wanted her girlfriend to move in with us. Her girlfriend was with us for 30 years and that is a lot more time than I spent with a handful of one night stands.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> I think the OP's issue here is her inappropriate boundaries around men, not the fact that she uses cannabis.


Thanks for trying to keep this thread on topic. Weed is not OP's problem ... it's just the common factor these 2 are using to spend time together. Not much different from co-workers, being on the same sports team, sharing some other hobby, etc. It is just the connection that keeps these 2 opposite sex individuals in close proximity to where it has caused marital problems.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ok.Am I completely in the wrong in being concerned about some pothead being left in charge of young children.Is this now considered acceptable behaviour for a parent.I would like all the drug apologists on this forum to consider this. 
She is a stoner with no behavioural boundaries who is left in charge of her own child and someone else's children and she is being excused because she neede some adult conversation.
WTF.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Ok.Am I completely in the wrong in being concerned about some pothead being left in charge of young children.Is this now considered acceptable behaviour for a parent.I would like all the drug apologists on this forum to consider this.
> She is a stoner with no behavioural boundaries who is left in charge of her own child and someone else's children and she is being excused because she neede some adult conversation.
> WTF.


None of us are excusing her behavior and boundaries. I just don't want to villainise her for using cannabis, since I know women who have had success with cannabis to treat conditions that can be very difficult in a marriage/family (depression, anxiety, pain, PPD, bi-polar, etc.). So I wanted to point it out, that just because she might not pass a drug test due to cannabis, that doesn't make her automatically unfit as a wife and mother. Similar to how prescribed opiate use or A/D or ADHD meds wouldn't- unless she's abusing it, in which the OP can add that to the list of his issues with his wife.

And no, I don't think that drinking a glass or two of wine a night would raise a red flag for me either. Many doctors recommend that. A bottle? Yes, that would be an issue.

ETA* Cannabis is now legal in most states, including ours. So that might make a difference to how you feel about the OP's wife using it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This I could never understand,

She is your wife.

This other guy is a man. Slow witted, un-employed, whatever. He poses a threat.

Stop talking to your wife. Just stop it.

Go talk to this Dude. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, to: 

"Stay the EF away from my wife".

Tell him: "I do not like you. I have no use for you, you are nothing to me".

Get your own GD women!

Stare at him for ten seconds and ask him if he has any questions.

If he says that [the wife] wants to talk to me. I am not forcing anything with her.

Tell him, "That was before, you WILL listen to Me, now. My wife is off limits! Raise your voice, Bring down the rafters.

I cannot recommend getting in his face if he persists, but that would be my next move.


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