# Sexually Repulsed By Husband... Want to Move on and Don't Know How



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

My husband and i have been married for three years. I am 24, he is 29. We dated two years prior to marrying and lived together the majority of that time. Just wanted to give some background info. This is a long read, sorry

Early last year, April 2011, I had a uti and was treated with an antibiotic that caused a severe reaction. It was not an allergy but the medication caused multiple metabolic abnormalities in my body. I had many blood tests, two cat scans, an mri, spinal tap, endoscopy and iwas eventually diagnosed with antibiotic induced serum sickness. My symptoms were varied and debilitating, my central nervous system was affected and i was diagnosed with peripheral neuoropathy, my muscular system was affected and i was diagnosed with muscular atrophy and tendonitis, this put me in a wheelchair or walking with a cane, my digestive system was affected and i was diagnosed with gastritis, acid reflux, and ibs. I was in chronic pain, and severely depressed. Prior to this, i was in perfect health, non drinker or smoker, couldn't remember the last time i had seen a doctor for anything. 

During this time, my husband treated me horribly. The first time i was in the hospital, he spent the entire complaining that i was over reacting and that he did not want to be there. He did not once ask if i needed anything. I was literally crying and a nurse asked him to leave my room. Subsequent trips to the hospital were the same. He refused to comfort me in anyway and believed i was over reacting. When we were home he was no better, he would complain about the lack of sex, lack of house cleaning, said that i needed to get myself together and do my makeup/hair. I had to leave school because of everything and he would say i need to be proactive and work through it. I was unable to even walk most days or function. Because of the gastritis, i lost a lot of weight and was down to 95lbs, he would say its better to be thin than big (he is overweight). I was never able to talk to him as he would stare blankly into the distance as i talked or act agitated or annoyed with me.

About 6 months into all of this I joined a support group on Facebook during the course of my illness to talk to people that also had a reaction to the same medication i took. I did not realize however that everything i posted on the support group page also showed up on my personal page. well an ex of mine from HS saw the messages and sent me a pm telling me he was very sorry for all i was going through. This was the first time i had heard that and the pm made me bawl like a baby. My husband had never said that to me. I sent him a pm back thanking him. After a while the ex and i began talking on the phone, well i should say i was talking, he would just listen as i would cry and try to work through all the pain i was feeling. Around this time i was feeling mildly better, the gastritis had been treated and i was gaining weight back, a physical therapist had helped me through the atrophy and tendonitis. The neuropathy was less constant.

I'll finish on a second post...


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Eventually the ex and i met up for lunch. It was nice and we were at the restaurant for about four hours talking. We met up many more times after this for lunch and brunch maybe twice a month. My husband was aware of the meetings and did not like them. But i told him i was going, and that was that.I said I deserved to have someone to talk to about all i was going through. 

Ok, fast forward to 2012. I am feeling better, not perfect and i probably never will be in perfect health again but my symptoms are manageable. I do still suffer from fatigue and some minor neuorapthy at times, i do still have ibs as well. The ex and i continue to talk and meet for lunch. My husband and i argue alot now, i am so angry with him about he treated me and he is angry with me for meeting with/talking to the ex.

I am also no longer sexually attracted to him, though i do still find him to be physically attractive. But the thought of having sex with him does not turn me on anymore, i can only think of how cruel he was to me for an entire year. I know i am resentful, i am bitter, i am totally pissed off at him and do not desire to kiss, hug, or touch him. Prior to last year and my ill health, we had a normal sex life,two or three times a week with me giving oral to him almost every time and randomly throughout the week. We do have sex now at times but i put it off as long as possible and no longer orgasm. I am only ok with quickies. 

Really i don't know what to do. I think i want to save my marriage, but right now i don't think i even have a marriage


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

From the description you have presented, I can only ask "why?" would you want to save this?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I really don't want to be a divorcee at 24 i suppose. And though my husband is crap caregiver, he is a really great friend. As long as i dont talk about my health issues, he is a great person to be around. Funny, sweet. It just seems like he cant handle me being sick and lashes out at me for it and shuts down.

Also, to be honest, i am scared to be single. would any guy really be interested in dating/marrying a 24 year old divorced woman with multiple health issues. I don't know. My husband despite everything does not want a divorce, though i have mentioned it multiple times. 

It just seems like my life took such an upheaval with my health, i do know if i can go through another upheaval with a divorce.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> From the description you have presented, I can only ask "why?" would you want to save this?


But if you do, you're going to have to get rid of the ex, permanently and completely. I don't fault you for wanting out, but you're going to have to choose. You can't have both.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you told him how you feel? This is a huge wall of resentment to get over. If he does not apologize and change his behavior, I would divorce him. You deserve better than to be married to a selfish, callous man who treats you with contempt. You may need marriage counseling for him to be able to see what he has done to your relationship.


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## iloveairplanes (Jun 21, 2012)

Do yourself and your husband a favor. Be very direct with your husband - guys can handle the truth and direct instructions, and follow this exactly!!!

Tell him that your issues were debilitating and they were real. Tell him that you are resentful that he treated you poorly during that time, and that although he was suffering for not having a healthy wife, you were the one suffering with a physical condition and it hurt you that he was not understanding of that - and maybe you both weren't understanding of each other and probably miscommunicating a lot during that time. Tell him you forgive him for his actions during that time, and you ask that he forgive you also....not only for the fact that you couldn't be there for him as a wife (even though you couldn't due to a physical issue that wasn't your fault! He was going through something and you probably weren't expressing that you were sorry he was in a predicament that wasn't his fault either!) but also ask that he forgive you for getting so resentful that you looked outside your marriage for attention and empathy and found it through facebook with an old friend. Tell him that you have broken that friendship off and are committed to focusing 100% on your marriage.

Then tell your hubby that you are starting to loose attraction toward him, tell him that you KNOW how he can get it back and if he can man up - you will tell him how to win your heart and soul and mind AND body. Then help him do it. Help him to be the best man he can be and pray that he will improve and be the best husband toward you and thank you later in life for saving your marriage and helping him be an awesome guy.

If my wife did this I would work very hard to do things the right way and keep her...it takes a strong woman to say what I have just laid out for you. Message me and tell me how it went. I am praying for you both.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I have talked to him. I have been calm, i have cried, screamed, even wrote him an email telling him that i need my husband to be there for me. And you know what he says? He was there. As if the fact that he was treating me like scum is ok because he didn't leave me or have an affair. Ending the communication with the ex is not something i desire to do right now, he is my only support group and i need that. I know my husband doesn't like it but he had an entire 7 months to be there for me and chose not to, now he gets to decide that no one else is allowed to be there for me either. That doesn't seem right or fair.

Also, while i was going through the brunt of my illness we did have sex, maybe 4 times a month i guess. He would walk around pouting, slamming doors if we did not. Even when it was physically painful for me i would relent at times.

I could tell him i forgive him but the truth is i do not forgive him. I love him but i do not like him as a person right now. And to see him be so helpful to his friends and family when they need something just gets me hot under the collar. he can be superman to everyone but his wife.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd leave your husband. If my husband treated me that way, I'd be out the door.

I broke my neck 4 years ago and I'm now disabled for life. I can walk(Thank the Lord), but not far at all. I live in severe chronic pain these last 4 years and it is not an easy path to follow, especially when I was an athlete before racing in triathlons and running 36 miles a week. My husband stood by my side every step of the way and still does.

About 3 months ago, I had a massive UTI, which quickly turned into a massive kidney infection. I was born with deformed kidneys that is actually one big kidney. I was in the hospital for 5 nights on a pain pump and IV antibiotics and a bunch of other meds. I'm surprised my body didn't react from all the toxins.lol

I know that pain, it was just as bad, if not worse then breaking my neck. My husband stayed with me and took off of work the 5 nights I was in the hospital. He was so concerned for me and made sure I was getting the right treatment.

If my husband wasn't around, I'd be in a massive depression. Life is too short to live miserably. If your husband is treating you poorly, the best thing to do is leave.

Good luck! You can always pm me if you need support. I will forever live in severe pain and a very limited lifestyle. I try my best to keep positive! It's not easy though.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It sounds like it could be him realizing that his wife isn't perfect anymore. It could be his weird, unacceptable, way of coping with this. I went through this with my wife who has a curved spine and fibromyalgia. My wife went through a period where she stopped working out and her symptoms got bad. I got scared that my everything was breaking in a way she could not recover from. 
Granted this guy sounds in complete denial. I think he needs some IC but you need to have a serious discussion about how you will not be able to be perfect you again. Remind him of his vows and remind him that he did not follow through with his vows. 
Tell him that is why you don't want him sexually because he broke your trust. When my wife started slipping I pushed her (metaphorically) and did it because that's the only way i knew to cope. I often times didn't listen to her because it broke me in some way and I buried my head a little. 
I agree that you need to cut ties with the OM and deal with your marriage. OM can sense you are vulnerable and consciously or not is trying to start a wedge he can use to get what he wants from you.
Don't get your heart broken twice. H is probably grieving the old you. 
It is almost like losing you in a way. I am not justifying his actions just trying to shed some light on them.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Spouses should be supportive during illness. My heart aches when I read of how callous your husband has been. 

Have you persued a relationship with the ex? It seems like you saw your ex not only for caring friendship, but as some sort of spiteful act against your husband. I understand your justified anger, but going out with exes only adds to the problems in your marriage. It is not the act of someone who wants to save or improve a marriage.

If the only reasons you want to save the marriage are you feel you can't do any better and you need to save face, I daresay those are not healthy motivations. Your husband's lack of support have taken all the love and sexual attraction out of the marriage. What is left?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for the pain you have suffered and will continue to experience as I assume your username reflects what happened to you.My view is that the "in sickness" part of your vows was pretty well trashed by your husband and he's not worth your effort.You have to be pretty cold to do what he did to you.He can't even plead ignorance to the realities of what happened to you as it would have been easy enough to get educated on the subject if he really cared.He cared as long as it didn't take much effort.What kind of life partner is that?Move on and be happy in your life with someone who makes you and marriage the priority in their life.Take care and feel better.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I have read about emotional affairs and i don't think this is that. The ex and i don't talk about my marriage, just me. I am able to talk about all my regrets and fears and pains. My ex was a great friend when we were together, always someone i could talk to. This is no affair imo, nothing more physical than a hug.

And the thing is that he has health problems of his own and i am always there for him. Just a few months ago he was in the hospital because his diabetes had gotten out of control and he had a 500 blood sugar. I was up and down that hospital for him, getting him food, finding his nurses, and i was still sick while i was doing that and i had a staph infection in my leg. 

I think i want to save my marriage. But how can i possibly have a marriage when i have no desire to have sex with my husband. I can no longer even orgasm with him.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Floxie, 24 is very young. Getting divorced at 24 is not a stigma, not at all. I think you should seek some counseling, and think about this very carefully. A man who is not there for you at the worst of times doesn't really deserve you at the best of times.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> The thing is, whether you recognize it or not, you are having an Emotional Affair. (EA). That's cheating. You want to keep the ex around for support, but stay married....likely to see which is going to turn out better for you. As a pp said, you can't have it both ways.
> 
> If you choose to work on the marriage, you must cut ties with the ex. Period. If having the ex in your life is more important, then you have your answer right there. End the marriage.
> 
> Your husband should be your emotional support, not your ex. If he's not willing to be that, then you have a decision to make.


:iagree::iagree:
As much as you, Floxie, want the ex to be your emotional support right now, he can't be. Not if you actually WANT things to work with your husband. I do understand about not getting the support from your spouse... BELIEVE ME, I know.... but you can't have it both ways. My husband and I BOTH checked out and had EAs. In my case, it was because I couldn't cope with his diagnoses. Yes, it was wrong. I betrayed him. I cheated on him. Some would say "it was ONLY and emotional affair"... there is no "only" when it comes to cheating.

So, you have a couple choices:

1. Work on fixing your marriage and STOP TALKING TO this ex.

OR

2. Tell your husband you are choosing to leave him for the ex... you already HAVE left him...emotionally. 

You can get the relationship back with your husband...IF you want to. The only way to do that is to get the ex out of the picture. Yes, it is hard to give up that "one person who understands" you... but really, he's not the only one. He is just the one who "answered" you the loudest.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

TBT said:


> Sorry for the pain you have suffered and will continue to experience as I assume your username reflects what happened to you.My view is that the "in sickness" part of your vows was pretty well trashed by your husband and he's not worth your effort.You have to be pretty cold to do what he did to you.He can't even plead ignorance to the realities of what happened to you as it would have been easy enough to get educated on the subject if he really cared.He cared as long as it didn't take much effort.What kind of life partner is that?Move on and be happy in your life with someone who makes you and marriage the priority in their life.Take care and feel better.


TBT thank you  yes my username is my new personal moniker, i was floxed by ciprofloxaicin, so i'm a floxie. It really is a terrible drug that has hurt so many people even worse than i have been hurt. I know that moving on is probably the best idea. But that is not easy. I am still sick, how would i support myself, where could i go or live? My husband used to be my hero, and now, he has just let me down so badly. When i am having good days, and he is being sweet to me, its easy to remember why i married him. But my bad days, he makes them so much worse


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is there a class action lawsuit against cipro? 
I agree that this sounds like EA. 
Read my thread in the ladies lounge about "if you've ever been in an abusive relationship." 
You said he's like a friend. You don't need a friend, you need a spouse. Do you think this will be the last time in your life you will be I'll or injured? 
My ex was the same way. When I got pregnant he acted like I was making up all my pain. After she was born he acted just like your h: cold, callous, rude, cruel. 
Yes you can try to work on it but what happens next time you need him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Is there a class action lawsuit against cipro?
> I agree that this sounds like EA.
> Read my thread in the ladies lounge about "if you've ever been in an abusive relationship."
> You said he's like a friend. You don't need a friend, you need a spouse. Do you think this will be the last time in your life you will be I'll or injured?
> ...


Diwali there are many lawsuits against this class of drug. But mostly only for people who experienced ruptured tendons because of them. Luckily, i only experienced tendonitis and not a full on rupture.

When i think about it, he has always been this way. I just never noticed it because i was never sick. I had minor illnesses from time to time and he would avoid me then or be short with me, but as i would only be sick for a week or less it didn't really bother me.

I also know that he has his own issues, he deals with pretty chronic depression that he does not want to treat with meds and he has diabetes and is on meds for his blood pressure. He also has issues with his weight.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He sounds like a lot of fun. It's very common for abusers to refuse to take care of themselves. It's just going to get worse over time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I'm sorry floxie but your husband sounds so selfish and cruel that it's hard to imagine why you put up with him. Was he a much kinder and empathetic person before you married? To be honest, he sounds like my dad. 

My dad would berate my mom who was very ill (around your age) and tell her that she was crazy in the head and not really sick at all. It turns out that she had lupus but in the 60s they didn't know anything about lupus yet. It wasn't until I got really sick as a very young child that she stood up to him. He told her that there was nothing wrong with me and that agian, she was crazy. Well there was a lot wrong with me. In the meantime, she continued to cook, clean, and basically wipe his butt to get him to love her. He never showed her any real love until we moved out. then he begged her to come back (she didn't  ). 

I hope that things get better for you but you are going to have to put your foot down and demand that he start being kind and empathetic. Your health depends upon it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

floxie said:


> And though my husband is crap caregiver, he is a really great friend.


You really need to learn what the word "friend" means.

Your husband is not yours at all.

The fact that in general he`s personable and nice and you get along makes him an "acquaintance".

Sacrificing himself when the **** hit`s the fan would make him a "friend" therefore he is not your "friend".


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

floxie, if you want to save your marriage you must forgive you husband for what he did. If you do not your resentment will kill your marriage. Will he ever realize what you feel he didn't do for you in your time of need? I don't know. My wife and i have been through many life changing illnesses. I have seen many people unable to cope with their ill partner. Was it fear, I think so. I do know if you can't let it go, and give it yourselves time for to figure out why he acted that way, Your marriage will not last with resentment.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

in my tree said:


> I'm sorry floxie but your husband sounds so selfish and cruel that it's hard to imagine why you put up with him. Was he a much kinder and empathetic person before you married? To be honest, he sounds like my dad.
> 
> My dad would berate my mom who was very ill (around your age) and tell her that she was crazy in the head and not really sick at all. It turns out that she had lupus but in the 60s they didn't know anything about lupus yet. It wasn't until I got really sick as a very young child that she stood up to him. He told her that there was nothing wrong with me and that agian, she was crazy. Well there was a lot wrong with me. In the meantime, she continued to cook, clean, and basically wipe his butt to get him to love her. He never showed her any real love until we moved out. then he begged her to come back (she didn't  ).
> 
> I hope that things get better for you but you are going to have to put your foot down and demand that he start being kind and empathetic. Your health depends upon it.


He actually is a very kind and giving person to others, and me too as long as he does not have to hear/see/think about my illness(es). I really did not see this coming from him, that he could treat me this way. it seemed to me that he felt like i got sick to spite him or something, so he was not going to "deal with that" from me. I really just don't know. I did not see this coming. I certainly never expected to be this sick at my age, nor did think my husband would berate me for it. I feel like my marriage is a sham. He doesnt seem to like me because im sick and i dont like him because i think he is a jerk.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> floxie, if you want to save your marriage you must forgive you husband for what he did. If you do not your resentment will kill your marriage. Will he ever realize what you feel he didn't do for you in your time of need? I don't know. My wife and i have been through many life changing illnesses. I have seen many people unable to cope with their ill partner. Was it fear, I think so. I do know if you can't let it go, and give it yourselves time for to figure out why he acted that way, Your marriage will not last with resentment.


How can you "let it go" if he doesn`t even think he did anything wrong?

Why would you "let it go" when he hasn`t admitted his fault and because he hasn`t admitted his fault you know he will repeat the abuse when something like this happens again/

How can you have any security without him showing you he knows he was wrong and has learned and changed?

"Letting it go" in this situation is no different than rug sweeping.

Where does rug sweeping get you?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I do want to let it go, i really do. I do want to want to have sex with my husband. I do want to be able to orgasm with him again and be interested in more than a quickie with him. I want him to be my comforter, emotional support system. I want him to see things from my end. I was a perfectly healthy 24 year old and in literally a week i had more illnesses than my 90 year old something grandmother. What i needed was my man by my side, to hold me, kiss me, hug me, put his d*ck away for two seconds and just lay in bed with me because i needed it and instead i got a bully. He would tease me about calling my mom to talk to her about my issues. And when i was limping around with a staph infection in my leg he would ask why i was walking like an old woman. Reading all this back, i feel like an idiot for even keeping this ring on my finger. But i do believe that my husband is basically a good person, maybe he just can't deal with sick people around because of his depression.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> I do want to let it go, i really do. I do want to want to have sex with my husband. I do want to be able to orgasm with him again and be interested in more than a quickie with him. I want him to be my comforter, emotional support system. I want him to see things from my end. I was a perfectly healthy 24 year old and in literally a week i had more illnesses than my 90 year old something grandmother. What i needed was my man by my side, to hold me, kiss me, hug me, put his d*ck away for two seconds and just lay in bed with me because i needed it and instead i got a bully. He would tease me about calling my mom to talk to her about my issues. And when i was limping around with a staph infection in my leg he would ask why i was walking like an old woman. Reading all this back, i feel like an idiot for even keeping this ring on my finger. But i do believe that my husband is basically a good person, maybe he just can't deal with sick people around because of his depression.


Exactly! He is broke. He couldn't/didn't act as a loved one should. By no means do I advocate rug sweeping or to just forget it and get on with your life. I did not make myself clear.
I agree that tacoma is right, he must admit his actions were not supportive and and down right indifferent to your plight. You must find out why he acted that way and he must address the issue. This is a process. Only then can you heal and let go of the resentment, that will kill your marriage, as it is doing now. If he can't do that you will never be able to heal.

And as much as your posting goes on... it seems you're not going to reach that point and have started to move on. Wish you better health.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Exactly! He is broke. He couldn't/didn't act as a loved one should. By no means do I advocate rug sweeping or to just forget it and get on with your life. I did not make myself clear.
> *I agree that tacoma is right, he must admit his actions were not supportive and and down right indifferent to your plight. You must find out why he acted that way and he must address the issue. This is a process. Only then can you heal and let go of the resentment, that will kill your marriage, as it is doing now. If he can't do that you will never be able to heal.*
> 
> And as much as your posting goes on... it seems you're not going to reach that point and have started to move on. Wish you better health.


I agree with this. In addition to this, you MUST give up the ex you have been leaning on, IF you intend to stay with your husband. The other man CANNOT be your source of emotional support. Not if you actually WANT your husband to be that person. 

If you don't want to stay in your marriage because of your husband's treatment, it is understandable. But, if you want to stay with him, if you want to get things fixed (obviously with him changing his actions/reactions to your health problems and any other issues that may come up), the OM has to go.... now.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I am just trying to wrap my head around why he would treat me that way. Before being married he and I both cheated on one another multiple times, we were both very young and immature and stupid and though I totally forgive him sometimes I wonder if he still holds resentment against me for that and is mad at me. He also works a relatively stressful job where he fills undervalued and underpayed. Like I said, he also has issues with depression and social anxiety which cause him distress a lot. He has also told me multiple times that he is jealous of me, when I worked I modeled and made more money than him quickly and he feels I have the body that he deserves even though I don't work out, he also feels I have it easier socially because I'm younger, thinnr etc (he has always struggled with self esteem issues). I just feel like if could get to the root of why, then I could move past the resentment even if this mariage does end up failing. But right now his excuses (reasons) just sound lame to me and unacceptable. How do I move on? I want to have enjoyable sex, and I don't want to be a cheater (again!).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> I am just trying to wrap my head around why he would treat me that way. Before being married he and I *both cheated on one another multiple times*, we were both very young and immature and stupid and though I totally forgive him sometimes I wonder if he still holds resentment against me for that and is mad at me. He also works a relatively *stressful job where he fills undervalued and underpayed*. Like I said, he also has issues with *depression and social anxiety which cause him distress a lot.* *He has also told me multiple times that he is jealous of me,* when I worked I modeled and *made more money than him* quickly and he feels *I have the body that he deserves* even though I don't work out, *he also feels I have it easier socially because I'm younger, thinnr etc* *(he has always struggled with self esteem issues)*. I just feel like if could get to the root of why, then I could move past the resentment even if this mariage does end up failing. But right now his excuses (reasons) just sound lame to me and unacceptable. How do I move on? I want to have enjoyable sex, and I don't want to be a cheater (again!).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The things I highlighted are ALL likely reasons/excuses for how he behaves. The biggest part is in red. I think it all could be linked to the part in red. If someone has low self esteem, the rest tends to follow that pattern. Not everyone has this happen, but it does explain, at least, part of the problem. He DOES need to get into counseling, whether you stay together or not.... And, I think you would benefit from counseling as well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A person's TRUE character comes out when things get tough.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

floxie said:


> I am just trying to wrap my head around why he would treat me that way. Before being married he and I both cheated on one another multiple times, we were both very young and immature and stupid and though I totally forgive him sometimes I wonder if he still holds resentment against me for that and is mad at me. He also works a relatively stressful job where he fills undervalued and underpayed. Like I said, he also has issues with depression and social anxiety which cause him distress a lot. He has also told me multiple times that he is jealous of me, when I worked I modeled and made more money than him quickly and he feels I have the body that he deserves even though I don't work out, he also feels I have it easier socially because I'm younger, thinnr etc (he has always struggled with self esteem issues). I just feel like if could get to the root of why, then I could move past the resentment even if this mariage does end up failing. But right now his excuses (reasons) just sound lame to me and unacceptable. How do I move on? I want to have enjoyable sex, and I don't want to be a cheater (again!).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He sounds so insecure and he is taking it out on you. He obviously has health issues of his own but instead of empathizing he is ridiculing you. I can't see how/why you would WANT to have sex with someone who does that. My advice is to get into counseling - either marriage or personal. This other man is really just a distraction and you need to talk to others (counselor, your parent(s), friends, etc.) for support. Illness takes a LOT out of a person and you need all the positive support that you can get. His "needs" really should be on the back burner (or even in the back yard) right now. 

You have to come first right now. Stress and anxiety will make you more ill. Maybe this is something that you can bring up with him. That you want to get better and that the pressue and anxiety from this constant pressure to have sex is interfering with that goal. He may not like that but it is the truth. Sometimes we have to look out for ourselves first, especially if the other person won't do it for us. 

Btw - I couldn't agree with daffodilly's post anymore than I do. She is spot on.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

floxie said:


> I do want to let it go, i really do. I do want to want to have sex with my husband. I do want to be able to orgasm with him again and be interested in more than a quickie with him. I want him to be my comforter, emotional support system. I want him to see things from my end. I was a perfectly healthy 24 year old and in literally a week i had more illnesses than my 90 year old something grandmother. What i needed was my man by my side, to hold me, kiss me, hug me, put his d*ck away for two seconds and just lay in bed with me because i needed it and instead i got a bully. He would tease me about calling my mom to talk to her about my issues. And when i was limping around with a staph infection in my leg he would ask why i was walking like an old woman. Reading all this back, i feel like an idiot for even keeping this ring on my finger. But i do believe that my husband is basically a good person, maybe he just can't deal with sick people around because of his depression.


Hi floxie ~

Sorry you have had so much strife at so early an age.

I think you should have a very earnest talk with your husband and let him know that the state of the marriage is in serious jeopardy. Some of the items of discussion need to be his depression and his unwillingness to seek treatment for it, his non-commitment to you during your illness, and your EA (yes, I think that it is an EA because your ex is providing the emotional support for you that your husband did not.)

If you resolve to try for the marriage one more time, then make some stipulations and timeframes ... such as husband seeking treatment for his depression, you stopping contact with your ex, etc. Look for ways that you could become more independent - seek a support group that has people in a similar physical situation or marital situation to help give you the additional emotional support that you need. Learn a trade, think of ways that you can foster your independence, even with the physical issues that you have.

Don't stay in a situation simply because you are afraid or feel that you have no choice. You always have a choice, and once you empower yourself and overcome your fears, the world is literally your oyster.

Best wishes!


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

We are also of different races, he's white, I'm black. I'm not sure if that makes a difference as it has never been an issue in our relationship before. I'm just going around in circles trying to figure out why. I would never treat him the way he treated me, whenever he's going through depressiom I am there to talk to, and don't make him feel bad about his health/job issues.

In my tree you are absolutely right. The stress of feeling like I have to live up to expectations that I am unable to anymore makes me physically ill. Stress will put me in bed for days and triggers my neuorpathy pain and ibs. That's another reason I want to avoid divorce. I don't know what it will do to me healthwise. I want to move back in with my mother but a family member with kids is already living there with her.

This is such a difficult situation for me, I so badly want to put everything behind me. Get my health back amd the love/care of my husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> We are also of different races, he's white, I'm black. I'm not sure if that makes a difference as it has never been an issue in our relationship before.


Non issue.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

floxie said:


> We are also of different races, he's white, I'm black. I'm not sure if that makes a difference as it has never been an issue in our relationship before. I'm just going around in circles trying to figure out why. I would never treat him the way he treated me, whenever he's going through depressiom I am there to talk to, and don't make him feel bad about his health/job issues.
> 
> In my tree you are absolutely right. The stress of feeling like I have to live up to expectations that I am unable to anymore makes me physically ill. Stress will put me in bed for days and triggers my neuorpathy pain and ibs. That's another reason I want to avoid divorce. I don't know what it will do to me healthwise. I want to move back in with my mother but a family member with kids is already living there with her.
> 
> ...


I don't know if being of different races has anything to do with it. There are jerks in every race (Sorry - I am seeing your hubby as being something of a jerk right now).

Hm... if you can't move in with your mom, is there somewhere else that you would feel comfortable going for a while? If not, can you tell him what I mentioned before - that his behavior is stressing you out, that you are feeling worse and if he woulld back off that you may heal better? Or would he care? 

Illness wipes out your energy and you need that to heal. Get support and someplace where you have time and a relaxing place to heal so that you can think things through. If you can't move, then he NEEDS to back off and maybe get into some counseling with you. My thoughts are with you!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wait, backup a minute.

You and he both cheated on each other repeatedly.

You are now in contact with an EX who's giving you emotional support etc.

Want to be hubby now believes you are cheating again?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Wait, backup a minute.
> 
> You and he both cheated on each other repeatedly.
> 
> ...


I could understand if he thought I was cheating now, I am going out with another guy alone. And I have a history, I accpet that. And if didn't start treating me like crap until I started hanging with/ talking to my ex then I would own my part in that. But I am not cheating and I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband. I probably do also go out with the ex to upset my husband a little. I'm bitter, I know that. I feel like I want him to know that he is not my only option even if I am sick. I was stuck in the house alone for months as he berated, teased and tore me down so I am not very understanding at this point. And now that I'm feeling a littlebetter he just wants me to smile and act like everythings alright? I'm not ok with that. It just seems like its his ego that's hurt right now, he doesn't want to care for me or have to deal with my illness but he also doesn't want anyone else to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> I could understand if he thought I was cheating now, I am going out with another guy alone. And I have a history, I accpet that. And if didn't start treating me like crap until I started hanging with/ talking to my ex then I would own my part in that. *But I am not cheating* and I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband. I probably do also go out with the ex to upset my husband a little. I'm bitter, I know that. I feel like I want him to know that he is not my only option even if I am sick. I was stuck in the house alone for months as he berated, teased and tore me down so I am not very understanding at this point. And now that I'm feeling a littlebetter he just wants me to smile and act like everythings alright? I'm not ok with that. It just seems like its his ego that's hurt right now, he doesn't want to care for me or have to deal with my illness but he also doesn't want anyone else to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, floxie, you are. You are emotionally cheating on your husband. I get that your husband wasn't there for you. I get that you are pissed off about it. But the fact still remains that you have stated that HE is the only one you want to have sex with. The problem, tho, is that you have emotionally distanced yourself from him, further than he did when he was tearing you down while you have been sick. The ONLY way to get that emotional distance bridged is by getting rid of the ex and actually reconnecting with your husband. Again, this is only if you actually want to work things out with your husband. Get. Rid. Of. The. EX!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Some people are so scared when their loved ones are sick, that they become total jerks.

I have seen this many times.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

floxie said:


> I could understand if he thought I was cheating now, I am going out with another guy alone. And I have a history, I accpet that. And if didn't start treating me like crap until I started hanging with/ talking to my ex then I would own my part in that. But I am not cheating and I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband. I probably do also go out with the ex to upset my husband a little. I'm bitter, I know that. I feel like I want him to know that he is not my only option even if I am sick. I was stuck in the house alone for months as he berated, teased and tore me down so I am not very understanding at this point. And now that I'm feeling a littlebetter he just wants me to smile and act like everythings alright? I'm not ok with that. It just seems like its his ego that's hurt right now, he doesn't want to care for me or have to deal with my illness but he also doesn't want anyone else to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Race means nothing. My husband is also white and he treats me better than any black man ever did, despite the fact that I am a black woman.

It seems like you don't understand what an EA is. Cheating is not just about physical contact. If you are hanging out with your ex as a way to be spiteful, you are lowering yourself to the level of your husband. Two wrongs don't make a right. 

You don't really want to stay with your husband. You just want to get him back for being such a jerk. I understand that feeling, but you need to be honest with yourself about what your motivations are.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Actually, floxie, you are. You are emotionally cheating on your husband. I get that your husband wasn't there for you. I get that you are pissed off about it. But the fact still remains that you have stated that HE is the only one you want to have sex with. The problem, tho, is that you have emotionally distanced yourself from him, further than he did when he was tearing you down while you have been sick. The ONLY way to get that emotional distance bridged is by getting rid of the ex and actually reconnecting with your husband. Again, this is only if you actually want to work things out with your husband. Get. Rid. Of. The. EX!


Maricha, I am not trying to be diffcult really but I can not agree that I am emotionally distancing myself mre than husband did. He would tease and demean me as I attempted to do anything because I could no longer do it "right". Couldn't clean right, have sex right, walk right, look right. It was a constant battle and I was always happiest when he'd leave for work. I'm not sure if you're a woman or not? But when your husband is supposed to be your provider and protector and instead he tears you down when you're most vunerable, it does something to a woman. Changes the way we see our man. And I don't know if we can ever see him as our hero again. From reading this site, "manning up" seems to be a prety constant theme. And I wonder if a lot of these relationships would fair better if would man down instead and jut be there for his wife instead of spending all of his time attempting to exert his masculinity. Ugh, I'm rambling now, sorry 

There probably is a part of me that hangs with my ex out of spite. But the main reason is that he listens to me. Doesn't make me feel bad that I can't do this or that. Doesn't coment on the fact tha my hair is clearly falling out. I don't feel pressured to put on makeup or be beautiful when we go out. He doesn't tell me to be more proactive or give me all these solutuions that a woul be impossible to implement. And when he sees me struggling to walk, he doesn't walk ahead or walk quickly or tease me, he just helps me. Like a normal person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly I'm feeling very "triggered" right now. I don't think I want this marriage. The sex is bad, the husband is worse and I'm too sick to try and convince him that I am worthy of concern and care from a man I've been with for 5 years! I think the only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because of his social anxiety issues. But I am nobody's plan b or punching bag. I don't know. But I do know that if I never have to see his d*ck again, it'll be too soon as far as I'm concerned
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

floxie said:


> There probably is a part of me that hangs with my ex out of spite. But the main reason is that he listens to me. Doesn't make me feel bad that I can't do this or that. Doesn't coment on the fact tha my hair is clearly falling out. I don't feel pressured to put on makeup or be beautiful when we go out. He doesn't tell me to be more proactive or give me all these solutuions that a woul be impossible to implement. And when he sees me struggling to walk, he doesn't walk ahead or walk quickly or tease me, he just helps me. Like a normal person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! Your words, your rationalizations, and even your denials are 100% straight out of the cheaters handbook. 

do you realize this? 

You need to understand how many relationships get killed because a SO reconnects with an EX, and then proceeds to be "just friends" with all good intentions. Then over time - they suddenly discover everything wrong with their current spouse, and just how wonderful and caring their EX is suddenly.

Please please pull you head out of the fog and realize that this EX IS very much twisting and influencing your views on your husband. He has become your emotional go-to guy, and he has become the one you are putting your effort into. 

Yes, it sounds like your husband did hurtful and wrong things - he made mistakes in the way he's been a husband to you.

And now you've paid him back by bringing an EX into the relationship, and letting that EX worm his way in between your husband and you. 

The mere fact that you are comparing the EX to your husband shows that this EX isn't just a friend - he is someone you are emotionally replacing your husband with. 

Lady - That's called an EA. 

Now you're building up a head of steam of justify why your husband should be divorced from you. 

Please realize what really is going on in this relationship of 3 people. Realize you are each step of the way, pushing out your husband, and moving toward being in a PA.

Even in this thread - you've gone from I love my husband, but not sexually attracted to him - to "I'm gonna divorce him, he's not giving me all that need, not like my wonderful EX who's there everyday to be so loving and kind"

You are already cheating emotionally with the EX. 

And it's about to get you to pull the trigger and end your marriage.

Then just one more rationalization away and you'll be acting on those Sex feelings you will find yourself having for EX.

I know you've got a history of being a cheater before marriage, so you obviously have very bad boundaries - this is likely helped you get this far into the EA without ending it.

Or are you being honest with us here - has the relationship with the EX already gone PA? At least kissing etc?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Wow! Your words, your rationalizations, and even your denials are 100% straight out of the cheaters handbook.***
> 
> do you realize this?***
> 
> ...


Shaggy, I understand that, yes, I'm sure I've said it all before when I as actively (physically) cheating on my husband before I married him. I'll even submit that I am indeed having an emotional affair with my ex. It has not gone phyiscal however. And yes, i'd tell if it had, I don't think i'd get a spanking for sharing that lol. At this moment, I am not very remorseful about having this emotinal replacement that I've done. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a b*tch, but its true. I am very bitter, very resentful and honestly just angry, maybe that leaves little room for remorse? I don't know.

Like I said in my first post, I am not sure if I have a marriage. Just a really crappy husband and an awful sex life. I really do not know if I want this marriage and have brought up divorce with him many times over the past year and a half, but that line of thinking came as my husband had to be escorted out of my hospital room by a nurse, not after I began talking with my ex. It is possible that I am in a fog of sorts, that I am seeing me ex as saint even though he is not. But I don't think my husband is the devil in disguise, I have said many times here that I think he is bascially a good person, that it may be his depression that prevented him from comforting me, or maybe it was him exerting his masculinity over a person who he saw as weak. I don't know. I'm no mind reader. But I do know that I want to move past the resentment I have for my husband, for me. Because it makes me sick and its not worth that. I also desire to have enjoyable sex, which I havent had in well over a year and I want that. Sex and orgasms are my favorite stress relievers. And I have a lot of stress lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Floxie there are reasons why the ex is the ex and the husband is the husband.

You've just forgotten them and are trying to justify the EA you're in.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> Maricha, I am not trying to be diffcult really but I can not agree that I am emotionally distancing myself mre than husband did. He would tease and demean me as I attempted to do anything because I could no longer do it "right". Couldn't clean right, have sex right, walk right, look right. It was a constant battle and I was always happiest when he'd leave for work. *I'm not sure if you're a woman or not?* But when your husband is supposed to be your provider and protector and instead he tears you down when you're most vunerable, it does something to a woman. Changes the way we see our man. And I don't know if we can ever see him as our hero again. *From reading this site, "manning up" seems to be a prety constant theme. And I wonder if a lot of these relationships would fair better if would man down instead and jut be there for his wife instead of spending all of his time attempting to exert his masculinity.* Ugh, I'm rambling now, sorry
> 
> There probably is a part of me that hangs with my ex out of spite. But the main reason is that he listens to me. Doesn't make me feel bad that I can't do this or that. Doesn't coment on the fact tha my hair is clearly falling out. I don't feel pressured to put on makeup or be beautiful when we go out. He doesn't tell me to be more proactive or give me all these solutuions that a woul be impossible to implement. And when he sees me struggling to walk, he doesn't walk ahead or walk quickly or tease me, he just helps me. Like a normal person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In answer to the part questioning my gender:
About Maricha75

I am a: Female 
Relationship Status: Marriage 
Length of time in current relationship:
12-16 yrs. 

Just FYI, you can find that by clicking someone's profile. But I digress. 

I know what it is like to have a husband who is constantly making you walk on eggshells. In his case, it was due to medication his doctor put him on. Fortunately, he is off those meds now. The thing is, I know how it feels to be treated badly by the man who is supposed to love, honor, cherish, and protect me. And I did the same thing you have done when I couldn't cope with the problems he had (and still has, but getting better treatment now)... I cheated. Not physically, but emotionally. It started out innocently, as I was lamenting my husband's ailments. I was speaking with a mutual friend and it progressed past the "simple confidant" stage, as yours is. Right now, you are using the ex to get back at your husband for treating you so poorly. And now, when you want to spend time with the ex, he gets angry, right? My guess is it's because he knows you have pulled further away. And yes, it IS very much possible to pull further away after being beaten down as you have been. In the beginning, you still felt some kind of connection to your husband, right? And it slowly got chipped away? Well, that left YOU vulnerable for this ex to swoop in and pick up the pieces that had been chipped away. He now looks great, you are forgetting WHY he is an EX. He's listening to you, making you feel better about yourself. This is causing MORE emotional distance. And that happened with my husband as well. He was disconnecting from me due to his illness, and I disconnected further because of my emotional affair.

Regarding "manning up"... it's told to those men who are doormats. The ones who let their wives walk all over them, kick them in the balls, and laugh at them while they are doubled over. THOSE are the men who need to "man up", not the ones who are already "up" there.

Get rid of the ex, or leave the husband. Pick one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

floxie said:


> Shaggy, I understand that, yes, I'm sure I've said it all before when I as actively (physically) cheating on my husband before I married him. I'll even submit that I am indeed having an emotional affair with my ex. It has not gone phyiscal however. And yes, i'd tell if it had, I don't think i'd get a spanking for sharing that lol. At this moment, I am not very remorseful about having this emotinal replacement that I've done. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a b*tch, but its true. I am very bitter, very resentful and honestly just angry, maybe that leaves little room for remorse? I don't know.
> 
> Like I said in my first post, I am not sure if I have a marriage. Just a really crappy husband and an awful sex life. I really do not know if I want this marriage and have brought up divorce with him many times over the past year and a half, but that line of thinking came as my husband had to be escorted out of my hospital room by a nurse, not after I began talking with my ex. It is possible that I am in a fog of sorts, that I am seeing me ex as saint even though he is not. But I don't think my husband is the devil in disguise, I have said many times here that I think he is bascially a good person, that it may be his depression that prevented him from comforting me, or maybe it was him exerting his masculinity over a person who he saw as weak. I don't know. I'm no mind reader. But I do know that I want to move past the resentment I have for my husband, for me. Because it makes me sick and its not worth that. I also desire to have enjoyable sex, which I havent had in well over a year and I want that. Sex and orgasms are my favorite stress relievers. And I have a lot of stress lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Floxie,

What you're not getting is that the EA you're having is really messing up your emotions. It does this by pumping your brain with Dopamine when you're with your EX. The effect of this is, to push you to him, and to push you to reject other suitors. 

It's a nasty game biology plays on you to manipulate you into bonding with males.

Know your enemy if you want to win the war. Right now this high your brain generates due to the Ex is the enemy.

Now you might think - hey if that's what my brain gives me when I'm with the Ex, why not go with it? Dump the husband and hookup with the Ex permanently and get more of that stuff.

Problem is - it's only temporary. Overtime, once the biology figures you're hooked up with him, it switches from feeding you bonding chemicals, to other - keep you in the relationship chemicals. 

I suspect that since you do have a history of cheating, you've gotten to really like that high you get from having an extra person giving you attention. 

The Ex is giving you that, and you're seeing how its eroding your desire for your husband and giving you the motivation to end the marriage.

You've got a choice, if you can pull your head together an see the pattern here: You can get off the relationship roller coaster that comes with having third persons in your relationships, and you can choose to focus on your husband and marriage. At this point it is still very fixable. At this point, if you do dump the ex out of your life, and return to spending emotional energy building a good marriage.

Once you get those affair chemicals out of your brain, you will find the passion you once had for your husband returning.

You both really could benefit from MC to work on learning to listen and emotionally support one another much better. 

OR

you can choose D and to be with the Ex. The trouble is, it won't last with the Ex. The happy affair chemicals will eventually settle down with him, and you'll start realizing why he was an Ex before, and you'll be looking for an exit from that relationship too. 

Essentially, you'll be chasing the high you get from affairs over and over. That only works for a while, while you're young and pretty and rope them in. It burns you out spiritually and emotionally over time. You can see people who've chosen this lifestyle - they're the ones who at 40 look 60. They're lonely, and hanging with serious dregs of society because no one else wants them. Each step of their life, they choose the easy party route, and tossed aside people who actually committed themselves to them. They tossed aside love, for the thrill of lust.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Floxie there are reasons why the ex is the ex and the husband is the husband.
> 
> You've just forgotten them and are trying to justify the EA you're in.


Shaggy you are absolutely right. I'm sot sure if you have read my other posts here but I gave many reasons why I married my husband. And I still believe them to be true. I think he is a sweet, funny person, he is very giving especially to his friends and family. For whatever reason he was unable to cope with my illnesses and he lashed out at me, I can see that. I am attempting to reason why he did it and how or if I can move on from the resentment I have. But I do need to make a decision, divorce or don't. And if I don't, I need to end the emotional connection I have with my ex, that is true, because as crappy as my husband was/is he souldnt be a plan b.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

floxie said:


> Shaggy you are absolutely right. I'm sot sure if you have read my other posts here but I gave many reasons why I married my husband. And I still believe them to be true. I think he is a sweet, funny person, he is very giving especially to his friends and family. For whatever reason he was unable to cope with my illnesses and he lashed out at me, I can see that. I am attempting to reason why he did it and how or if I can move on from the resentment I have. But I do need to make a decision, divorce or don't. And if I don't, I need to end the emotional connection I have with my ex, that is true, because as crappy as my husband was/is he souldnt be a plan b.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're husband seems to lack emotional maturity on dealing with your illness. However it is something that can be worked on you know. 

People often get nasty and angry when they don't know what to do. It's part of the fight or flight instinct. It sounds very much like he honestly didn't know what to do. He couldn't just fix you, he couldn't buy you something to make it better. So he got frustrated and crappy feeling, and unfortunately he acted like an a$$ and jerk to the person he loved.

This is the kind of thing that MC can help with. He, and you, can learn what to do in such situations and how to be loving instead of frustrated and angry.

There is a path out of this that works for you and your marriage:

1. Immediately dump the Ex, back in to history.
2. Realize you will go through a detox period where the dopamine fix in your head will try to get you to reach back out to the ex - you gotta fight this and not give in.
3. Reconnect with your husband.
4. Get you and your husband into a good MC program and learn how to love and be loved.

I recommend getting two copies of "His needs, Her needs" and read it together - one for each of you. Them compare what you've read. Talk about it, and use it find the ways each of you want to be loved, and the ways each of you know how to love.

This can be pulled out of the crapper. The choice to do it entirely rests with you.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Floxie,
> 
> What you're not getting is that the EA you're having is really messing up your emotions.* It does this by pumping your brain with Dopamine when you're with your EX.* The effect of this is, to push you to him, and to push you to reject other suitors.**
> 
> ...


Shaggy, that actually all does sound very logical to me. I am absolutely positive that I am pushing my husband away and rejecting him as both a husband and a man. I actively reject him througout the day and I have not been affectionate (kiss, hug, hold hands) with him for a very long time now and have grown to prefer that. I am intimate with him realitively regular, twice a month I guess, but I do not enjoy it and and do not like* for it to last longer than a quickie. I am sure he can sense that as I get agitiated if he attempts to extend the session longer or desires foreplay or oral. If/when I leave my husband it will not be for my ex, I wouldn't want to be in another longterm relationship until I've healed more mentally and physically. I am still struggling from ptsd because of the sudden onset of my illness and the subsequent way I was treated. In order to be anyones suitable mate, I would need to work through that. I know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

I also want to say, not sure if I've mentoned, that my husband is wonderful when I'm having "good days". He is loving, caring, the man I married. But when I am having bad days he is very short tempered with me, taunting and putting me down. This is what makes me think he is lashing out becaue of my illness and not neccesarily me, the thing is though that the illness is me, not another person so when he lashes out at my illness he is lashing out at me. He can't seen to understand that, or stop doing it. He/we are happy as long as the smptoms of my illness don't rear its ugly head. But I am likely going to sick for a very long time, and I need t decide if it worth the trouble to keep someone around that attacks me for being ill. Right now I am leaning towards no. My life changed drastically, my husband does not desire to acknowledge that. I understand that people coping differently, unfortunately his method of coping serioulsy hurt the woman he professed to love and honor
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Honestly he sounds like the type of person who isn't going to change. That's just my gut feeling. Some people just lack the compassion, empathy and nurturing genes. I hate to say it but he really sounds like an abuser. 
It would be one thing if he just didn't help, but to actively put you down a d insult you when you're sick? How are you ever going to heal when someone abuses you when you are sick?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Honestly he sounds like the type of person who isn't going to change. That's just my gut feeling. Some people just lack the compassion, empathy and nurturing genes. I hate to say it but he really sounds like an abuser.
> It would be one thing if he just didn't help, but to actively put you down a d insult you when you're sick? How are you ever going to heal when someone abuses you when you are sick?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Diwali i also feel like he is never going to change. I have cried and begged my husband and all he has is excuses and no change. His caring switch only seems on when im healthy and his "put my wife down" switch is only on when i'm sick. That's why i hesitate to call him an abuser, i think he just has some abusive traits that my illness brings out for whatever reason. I am so very resentful of him, and find myself reliving certain incidents over and over. i can't open up to him and just talk about this illness and how much it's changed my life because it irritates him. I do not see this marriage lasting another three years. I really don't.


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## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

Theres a little vow called in sickness and in health. He broke that one. You broke the promise of fidelity. Its time for you BOTH to forgive eachother. Forgiveness is a vow people dont make. My husband isnt always the most sensitive man in the whole world, but I forgive him, i dont hold on to that anger. Like the Buddha said "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". 

Its not too late to save your marriage. Get some help. If you dont dig on therapy, go to a church or a support group. Just take some time, be honest with eachother about EVERYTHING, and see whats left after that. First and foremost, you're going to have to drop the victim act. Once you cheat because of what the other person did, you're not a victim anymore.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

mettophobic said:


> Theres a little vow called in sickness and in health. He broke that one. You broke the promise of fidelity. Its time for you BOTH to forgive eachother. Forgiveness is a vow people dont make. My husband isnt always the most sensitive man in the whole world, but I forgive him, i dont hold on to that anger. Like the Buddha said "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".
> 
> Its not too late to save your marriage. Get some help. If you dont dig on therapy, go to a church or a support group. Just take some time, be honest with eachother about EVERYTHING, and see whats left after that. First and foremost, you're going to have to drop the victim act. Once you cheat because of what the other person did, you're not a victim anymore.


I would like to forgive him, but i don't and i don't know how i ever will. I see no remorse, change and only hear one excuse after another. I have no desire to hold onto anger, it makes me ill but i am not Buddha or Jesus and if i am ever going to forgive my husband, then he needs to be at least a little sorry for how he treated me.

And there is no victim act here, there is an actual victim and i am not going to debate whether or not my husband was attacking me. There is no question of that in my mind as it is glaringly obvious to me, i am sorry it is not as obvious to you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No one is a little abusive. You either are or aren't. People get sick, it's a fact of life. You know chances are at some point you are going to get sick again, that's life. Do you want to have kids with this man? Like I said earlier, can you imagine the pain of being pregnant, being in labor and recovering from birth with someone abusing you? 
I usually would tell someone that they need to drop the ex, but in your case I think that honestly you have already decided your marriage is over. It's very rare that I would say someone should just move on but having been in a marriage like yours, I just can't see how staying would do any good. You can't avoid being sick for the rest of your life. 
There are different kinds of forgiveness. When you are with someone who absolutely has no remorse and won't change the best you can hope for is a detached forgiveness with a resolution to get your emotional needs met by other people. It seems the best you could hope for is that when you are sick you find a female friend or family member to help you and he isn't allowed to be around you. 
I don't know I'm usually pro marriage but abusers are a different story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When I went to my counselor at the end of my first marriage and told her what was going on with his cruelty, I told her about a good male friend of mine that I had a crush on. She said usually when a woman is with someone cruel and abusive there is a male figure somewhere who makes her feel good about herself.
I think in a nonabusive situation that would be an EA, and maybe it is. But that guy kept my sanity, he helped me to feel like I was worth his friendship and reminded me not all men were jerks. I hardly talked to him about my marriage problems and I didn't leave thinking he and I would be together. I would have left if he had been there or not, his friendship just made it more bearable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Floxie, you're making excuses for him. He's not a kind and generous man if he treats anyone the way he treated you. 

And you are having an EA because you are married to an abusive man. Who could blame you? 

IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek a divorce while you're young. You'll be much happier in the end. 

I was horrified to read what you went through because of Cipro. I had to take it once for a UTI and I literally vomited it up within just a few minutes of swallowing it. After three times, I decided my body was trying to tell me something, and I called the doctor and said I can't take this. I already have drug allergies, so she gave me something else. That stuff is harsh, and I feel like I dodged s bullet. I'm sorry you have suffered so much.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Hmm...Im not convinced shes having an "emotional affair" with the OM..or even that is the husbands concern (that she is getting emtional suppport from another man)..If I remember reading he also mocked ridiculed her for leaning on her mother for emotional support during the times she was extremely ill on the telephone..

Its almost as if he resents her for even NEEDING emotional support from ANYONE including him ..So not only is he going to deprive her of it..he doesnt want her to have anyone male or female9(apparrently even her own mother) to support her that way...I mean was she havign an emtional "affair" with her mother?NOT..and he had a problem with that..

And I agree with the posters that suggest how is she supposed to "forgive him and move on ' when he has not only not admtitted to wrong doign but their is no evidence whatsoever that he would ever stop what sounds like resenting her for havign the nerve to need let alone expect an emotional(and physcial for that matter) support system when she is at her weakest?And not only that he will discourage her from seekign it out from anyone else not just other men?

Even if he could acknwoledge the need is valid but maybe he is just for whatever reason unable to provide it but will work on it with her thats one thing..he is to me it seems trying to convince her she needs to stop even having that need like its a defect or something in her..Adn then what plant a smile on her face adn pretend shes emotionally "secure" when shes deprived and if not he will verbally abuse her for it?Adn thats not even to MENTION his anger at her that she is physcialy ill and seems to only care that its interupting HIS sex life..The man has a severe lack of empathy and needs to get out of his own head and go get some help..then maybe there is a chance for change but I dont know he sounds pretty bad off..

Dallas


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

You should just leave your husband, because what if you get sick again, or when you get sick again you become bedridden? Odds are he's not going to suddenly become a wonderful, compassionate man who wants to take care of his sick wife. No matter how many books he reads, sessions of counseling he goes through or how much you try to reconnect and bond with him. He's always going to be a jerk with no empathy or sympathy. 

Sorry hon. He's showing you his true colors. Get out, get better and find a real man who's capable of being a human being, not some broken, pretend one.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I would have to leave. Old age and eventually illness is inevitable. He has already given you a taste of what is to come.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

floxie said:


> Diwali there are many lawsuits against this class of drug. But mostly only for people who experienced ruptured tendons because of them. Luckily, i only experienced tendonitis and not a full on rupture.
> 
> When i think about it, he has always been this way. I just never noticed it because i was never sick. I had minor illnesses from time to time and he would avoid me then or be short with me, but as i would only be sick for a week or less it didn't really bother me.
> 
> I also know that he has his own issues, he deals with pretty chronic depression that he does not want to treat with meds and he has diabetes and is on meds for his blood pressure. He also has issues with his weight.


Diabetes and high blood pressure can lead to numerous health problems. I wonder if he will expect you to take care of him should his kidneys fail or if he develops heart failure or has a heart attack because of his health issues? Having these conditions at a young age like he does means it's very likely he will end up disabled before he reaches senior citizen status.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I was wondering the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Give your BH the link to the Coping With Infidelity Forum. I'd like to hear his side of the story. It's common cheater script for the cheater to re-write the marital history to justify the affair.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Give your BH the link to the Coping With Infidelity Forum. I'd like to hear his side of the story. It's common cheater script for the cheater to re-write the marital history to justify the affair.


Lordmayhem what would be the purpose of rewriting the history here to you all? You know I realy would prefer to write that when I was in my most vunerable state my husband was there for me. That he was my rock. That when I was throwing up and skin and bones that he still treated me like the most beautiful woman. I would love to say that I am so blessed to have a wonderful and caring husband that saw me through the worst ordeal of my life. And then I could come to you guys and say that despite having this wonderful husband at home, I looked elsewhere for emotional attention that I tossed all of my husbands care aside to spend time with an ex, and I want to know how to end this affair and rekindle things with my husband. But that is not what hapened and I refuse to let you or anyone rewrite the history of what happened to me, including my husband. I am still struggling to accept the realities of what happened myself because of the ptsd. I may be a cheater, a cold hearted b#tch of a witch, but I am very aware of what I went through and exactly how it happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> You should just leave your husband, because what if you get sick again, or when you get sick again you become bedridden? Odds are he's not going to suddenly become a wonderful, compassionate man who wants to take care of his sick wife. No matter how many books he reads, sessions of counseling he goes through or how much you try to reconnect and bond with him. He's always going to be a jerk with no empathy or sympathy.
> 
> Sorry hon. He's showing you his true colors. Get out, get better and find a real man who's capable of being a human being, not some broken, pretend one.


Scaredandunure I do believe I will end up leaving my husband. We talked today and he apologozed, it seemed mildly genuine, but at the end of the conversation I was feeling just as resentful as I felt at the beggining of the conversation. We had sex after this and he tried to have foreplay which really annoyed me, I don't want him touching me intimately. I don't think that counseling can inject the compassion into him, maybe it can teach him how not to make me cry or bully me but will it be genuine? I don't know. I just feel like I have a natural desire to care for him as a wife, it didn't have to be counseled into me nor did I need to be convinced, and I wonder, why does he need to be convinced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

floxie said:


> Lordmayhem what would be the purpose of rewriting the history here to you all? You know I realy would prefer to write that when I was in my most vunerable state my husband was there for me. That he was my rock. That when I was throwing up and skin and bones that he still treated me like the most beautiful woman. I would love to say that I am so blessed to have a wonderful and caring husband that saw me through the worst ordeal of my life. And then I could come to you guys and say that despite having this wonderful husband at home, I looked elsewhere for emotional attention that I tossed all of my husbands care aside to spend time with an ex, and I want to know how to end this affair and rekindle things with my husband. But that is not what hapened and I refuse to let you or anyone rewrite the history of what happened to me, including my husband. I am still struggling to accept the realities of what happened myself because of the ptsd. I may be a cheater, a cold hearted b#tch of a witch, but I am very aware of what I went through and exactly how it happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need not be lying to give us a different view of the same situation. 

I posted this else where. People justify their actions in hind sight in every aspect of their life. That is how we live. You, me, everyone. People are biased by their own version. Even if you aren't lying you are giving us your own version of events. If you ask your husband to write down the events from these last few months, I am sure he will have a different take on the events.
Your version, his version, the truth somewhere in the middle. Not because you were dishonest


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> Lordmayhem what would be the purpose of rewriting the history here to you all? You know I realy would prefer to write that when I was in my most vunerable state my husband was there for me. That he was my rock. That when I was throwing up and skin and bones that he still treated me like the most beautiful woman. I would love to say that I am so blessed to have a wonderful and caring husband that saw me through the worst ordeal of my life. And then I could come to you guys and say that despite having this wonderful husband at home, I looked elsewhere for emotional attention that I tossed all of my husbands care aside to spend time with an ex, and I want to know how to end this affair and rekindle things with my husband. But that is not what hapened and I refuse to let you or anyone rewrite the history of what happened to me, including my husband. I am still struggling to accept the realities of what happened myself because of the ptsd. I may be a cheater, a cold hearted b#tch of a witch, but I am very aware of what I went through and exactly how it happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Floxie, the point LM was making is that, even when things are absolutely horrible, a cheater will exaggerate things to make it appear worse than it was. He's not discounting that your husband treated you horribly. I rewrote history when I was talking to friends and family, while I was in the midst of my EA. MY husband was a lazy SOB. He never helped with anything, never did anything for me, etc. WHILE I was in the EA. However, that was a HUGE exaggeration. He didn't help AS MUCH AS I WANTED, but he did do things when asked.... just not as much as *I* would have liked. See the distinction? 

You came here, saying he is "basically a good man"...except for.....

This is what LM is alluding to in his mention of history rewriting. It is very easy to side with someone when one knows only one side of the story. I learned the hard way to not take others at face value, but to wait for the ENTIRE story to unfold.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Give your BH the link to the Coping With Infidelity Forum. I'd like to hear his side of the story. It's common cheater script for the cheater to re-write the marital history to justify the affair.


Floxie, this is his shtick. It's like giving a three-year old a hammer -- he'll then use a hammer on everything, whether or not a hammer is warranted. Don't let it bother you.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Floxie, the point LM was making is that, even when things are absolutely horrible, a cheater will exaggerate things to make it appear worse than it was. He's not discounting that your husband treated you horribly. I rewrote history when I was talking to friends and family, while I was in the midst of my EA. MY husband was a lazy SOB. He never helped with anything, never did anything for me, etc. WHILE I was in the EA. However, that was a HUGE exaggeration. He didn't help AS MUCH AS I WANTED, but he did do things when asked.... just not as much as *I* would have liked. See the distinction?
> 
> You came here, saying he is "basically a good man"...except for.....
> 
> This is what LM is alluding to in his mention of history rewriting. It is very easy to side with someone when one knows only one side of the story. I learned the hard way to not take others at face value, but to wait for the ENTIRE story to unfold.


I did not come here saying he is basically a good man, and I don't think I could make my husband seem any worse than he was. Like I said, I was completely debilitated, look up cipro side effects, look up the many support groups about it. It devestates people, multiple body systems ruined. I did not and would not exxagerate to make things seem worse, I don't have a reason to. I begged my husband to listen to me, crawled around on my hands and knees before he'd help me. And now I have people insinuating that I'm over exxagerating? No. That's not ok with me. I know how my husbad treated me, I talked to the hospial therapist about it, I have medical records and proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Floxie, this is his shtick. It's like giving a three-year old a hammer -- he'll then use a hammer on everything, whether or not a hammer is warranted. Don't let it bother you.


Lamaga, thank you. Some people here seem so.... bitter. If a battered woman came and said that her husband hits her 3 days a week and now she is talking to another man about it, would they tell her that she is over exxagerating and he probably only beats her once a week at most, that's she just a no good cheater looking for her next dopamine fix. Unbelieveable.

I am not going to invite my husband to come here and twist this and make me feel bad. I'm sure he would tell you all just what he told me, I was over exaggerating, over reacting, not really sick, looking for attention, not proactive enough, didn't do enough to try and get better. I've heard it all before
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

floxie said:


> Shaggy you are absolutely right. I'm sot sure if you have read my other posts here but I gave many reasons why I married my husband. And I still believe them to be true. I think he is a sweet, funny person, he is very giving especially to his friends and family. For whatever reason he was unable to cope with my illnesses and he lashed out at me, I can see that. I am attempting to reason why he did it and how or if I can move on from the resentment I have. But I do need to make a decision, divorce or don't. And if I don't, I need to end the emotional connection I have with my ex, that is true, because as crappy as my husband was/is he souldnt be a plan b.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This hits very close to home as somebody who recently went through trauma. You were scared, sick, needing comfort, needing reassurances, needing love and above all needing the security that he is there by your side no matter what. You got none of that. Not an ounce. The man who claims to love you, the man who pledged before God, family and friends "in sickness and in health" left you to deal with everything on your own. 

Do you know what a REAL man does? He moves heaven and Earth to get you the best care, he holds you, he listens to you, he prays to God and makes deals with the Devil. 

Your husband isn't "sweet or kind". He blatantly left you during your hour of need. That goes to the very core of his character or lack there of. I don't toss around divorce very often but I cannot imagine having sex with a repulsive man like that, let alone be in the same room/breathe the same air as somebody who so willingly tossed me aside because he lacked the very foundation which he pledged to me. I say cut your loses and there is no stigma to it. Your husband should be forced to wear a sign.

I hope you are doing well and know this, there are plenty of men out there who have courage, strength, love and character who would never, ever do this to you. Go find one.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You description of your husband is terrible. I am sorry this is the experience you had in your time of need. However, you are in an affair right now. I wonder how much of your story is rewriting history???

Having a strong positive attitude and pushing yourself can do much to speed recovery. It is the common mantra of the coach to a young athlete. How much of your description of your husband is reality and how much is fantasy? How much of his words and action wer truly supportive in his eyes? What was life like for you before your illness? 

None of us really know the "truth" of your experience. that is for you to judge. I do know with clarity that you are cheating on your husband and justifying it. If life really is so bad, divorce and walk away, free to start a new life with your head held high. Right now you are just another cheater wanting her cake and eating it too


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> I did not come here saying he is basically a good man, and I don't think I could make my husband seem any worse than he was. Like I said, I was completely debilitated, look up cipro side effects, look up the many support groups about it. It devestates people, multiple body systems ruined. I did not and would not exxagerate to make things seem worse, I don't have a reason to. I begged my husband to listen to me, crawled around on my hands and knees before he'd help me. And now I have people insinuating that I'm over exxagerating? No. That's not ok with me. I know how my husbad treated me, I talked to the hospial therapist about it, I have medical records and proof.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But you have posted that he is a good man multiple times. So which is it? Is he an awful man who did not support you, or a good man? If he is an awful man (and by your description he surely is), then why do you want to salvage this? If it is only because you don't want to be a divorcee at 24, then you need to really rethink things. That is an awful reason.

Let me also add that there are any number of threads where a a person has an EA, and then starts to view their spouse in a different and unfair light. Rewriting history to justify behavior they know is wrong (and dating an ex when you are married is probably behavior you know you should not be doing) is very common.

If you want to work things out with your husband, you need to get to marriage counseling and get him to own up to his behavior. You also need to drop the ex. You can't work on your marriage with an ex-lover their in the background to "support" you. If you don't want to do that, end the marriage and pursue a relationship with the ex.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with TheRealBright eyes and I have personal examples of rea men doing just that..movign heaven adn earth for their wife (my aunt to be exact) who was very ill for 4 years before she finally died ...went through litteral hell for her..includign she had a liver transplant which "failed" she developed a deadly untreatable bacterial infection that ate away at her for over a year before she died..It was awful he NEVER left her side(befoe she died she was in the hospital the last 8 months of he life he practically lived there)..he searched the world over for a cure(this bacteria was resistanct to all antibiotics)...She was 62 they had been married 45 years and he said(at the funeral) some people tell him thats a long time and he said no it wasnt it wasnt nearly long enough for me as he sobbed ....

And thats a sob story..I've never been that sick (obviously) but when I get sick my husband does anything and everything I need to make me comfortalble..he gets my medicince fixes my food ..runs my bath anything I ask...and thats just for run of the mill stuff like vomit virus or the flu...and one time I did have debilitatign depresion and even though I was being treated I was bed ridden for about 3 months before I started to come out of it..again he took care of the house and kids and served me faithfully...

Thats the "right way" ..your husband is dead wrong..

Dallas


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

He is a great person when I am healthy, and and awful husband when I am sick. I know its just impossible to believe that a person can treat you well sometimes and unwell other times but it actually does happen, shocking,I know. I want(ed) to save my marriage for many reasons, the main one being that I am scared. Scared to be alon, scared to try and date with a chronic illness, scared to live on my own, scared that I'll end up with someone just as bad, scared about what a divorce will do to me healthwise.

I don't mind being called a cheater, cake eater, etc. But I will not allow anyone to rewrite the history of what happened to me, not after all I went through. Not ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> *I did not come here saying he is basically a good man, and I don't think I could make my husband seem any worse than he was.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These are your own words regarding your husband:



floxie said:


> *But i do believe that my husband is basically a good person, maybe he just can't deal with sick people around because of his depression.*





floxie said:


> *But I don't think my husband is the devil in disguise, I have said many times here that I think he is bascially a good person, that it may be his depression that prevented him from comforting me, or maybe it was him exerting his masculinity over a person who he saw as weak. I don't know. I'm no mind reader.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





floxie said:


> Shaggy you are absolutely right. I'm sot sure if you have read my other posts here but I gave many reasons why I married my husband. And I still believe them to be true. *I think he is a sweet, funny person, he is very giving especially to his friends and family. For whatever reason he was unable to cope with my illnesses and he lashed out at me, I can see that.* I am attempting to reason why he did it and how or if I can move on from the resentment I have. But I do need to make a decision, divorce or don't. And if I don't, I need to end the emotional connection I have with my ex, that is true, because as crappy as my husband was/is he souldnt be a plan b.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





floxie said:


> *I also want to say, not sure if I've mentoned, that my husband is wonderful when I'm having "good days". He is loving, caring, the man I married. But when I am having bad days he is very short tempered with me, taunting and putting me down. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look, I am not saying you need to stay with this man. I will agree that, if he was so horrible, you should have left long ago. I would have. But you vacillate. You are unsure what to do. Incidentally, if a woman who was battered came and said the same thing you have, regarding talking to another man, etc... I WOULD tell her not to lean on the other man for emotional support. In fact, my sister is divorcing an abusive man now, and she admitted to developing feelings for a man who was helping her... WE ALL TOLD HER to back the hell off on this guy. If she needs emotional support, lean on me, our other sister, our parents, the pastor's wife, get advice from the pastor, female friends... BUT NOT THIS MAN! She didn't listen. Now, she is "in love with" this OM. He wasn't the cause of the divorce. Her husband's actions were. But the fact that she brought the OM into the picture didn't help either way. But I counseled her the same way I have spoken here: get the OM out of the picture so you can make a RATIONAL decision. 

I do believe the description you gave us was/is abusive. But, in bringing this OM in, you escalated the problem, just as my sister did. But, if you intend to leave him, do it. His treatment is enough of a reason to leave. But bringing OM in is an excuse.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> He is a great person when I am healthy, and and awful husband when I am sick. I know its just impossible to believe that a person can treat you well sometimes and unwell other times but it actually does happen, shocking,I know. I want(ed) to save my marriage for many reasons, the main one being that I am scared. Scared to be alon, scared to try and date with a chronic illness, scared to live on my own, scared that I'll end up with someone just as bad, scared about what a divorce will do to me healthwise.
> 
> I don't mind being called a cheater, cake eater, etc. But I will not allow anyone to rewrite the history of what happened to me, not after all I went through. Not ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I beleive you ..there are many people that have a wonderful even "shining part of their personalility but can be completely dysfuncational in other areas or under certain conditions..

Everybody in general is a mix of postitive and negative character attributes..its just whent the negative is that damaging to others then...its not always possible to just accept and tolerate..

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> *But you have posted that he is a good man multiple times. So which is it? Is he an awful man who did not support you, or a good man? * If he is an awful man (and by your description he surely is), then why do you want to salvage this? If it is only because you don't want to be a divorcee at 24, then you need to really rethink things. That is an awful reason.
> 
> Let me also add that there are any number of threads where a a person has an EA, and then starts to view their spouse in a different and unfair light. Rewriting history to justify behavior they know is wrong (and dating an ex when you are married is probably behavior you know you should not be doing) is very common.
> 
> If you want to work things out with your husband, you need to get to marriage counseling and get him to own up to his behavior. You also need to drop the ex. You can't work on your marriage with an ex-lover their in the background to "support" you. If you don't want to do that, end the marriage and pursue a relationship with the ex.


Damn... I went back and searched thru all of her posts for those and put them into one... that took a lot!


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> These are your own words regarding your husband:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maricha, I am not trying to be rude to you, but I think that is awesome that your are not a counselor. Because you would do an amazing job of convincing a battered woman that she was not actually being battered and that it was all in her head. 

But I am not going to allow you to do that to me. I know what happened to me, I know how my husband treated me and I won't be gaslighted. Yes, my husband is a great person, but he was/is also a bully. Jekyel and Hyde.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

KanDo said:


> You description of your husband is terrible. I am sorry this is the experience you had in your time of need. However, you are in an affair right now. I wonder how much of your story is rewriting history???
> 
> Having a strong positive attitude and pushing yourself can do much to speed recovery. It is the common mantra of the coach to a young athlete. How much of your description of your husband is reality and how much is fantasy? How much of his words and action wer truly supportive in his eyes? What was life like for you before your illness?
> 
> None of us really know the "truth" of your experience. that is for you to judge. I do know with clarity that you are cheating on your husband and justifying it. If life really is so bad, divorce and walk away, free to start a new life with your head held high. Right now you are just another cheater wanting her cake and eating it too


Kando you sound just like my husband. "Encouraging" me to get up and clean the house with muscle atrophy in both legs. I'm sure it was supportive in his opinion, but in the opinion of mysef, it was not. It was wrong. You can call me a cake eater, but you will not re-write my reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I beleive you ..there are many people that have a wonderful even "shining part of their personalility but can be completely dysfuncational in other areas or under certain conditions..
> 
> Everybody in general is a mix of postitive and negative character attributes..its just whent the negative is that damaging to others then...its not always possible to just accept and tolerate..
> 
> Dallas


Dallas, thank you for this post. You seem to be one of the view people that can understand that person can be both good and bad. I really do appreciate you not putting me down as well  its very hard trying to defend your validity after such a traumatic experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Maricha, I am not trying to be rude to you, but I think that is awesome that your are not a counselor. Because you would do an amazing job of convincing a battered woman that she was not actually being battered and that it was all in her head.
> 
> But I am not going to allow you to do that to me. I know what happened to me, I know how my husband treated me and I won't be gaslighted. Yes, my husband is a great person, but he was/is also a bully. Jekyel and Hyde.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then leave him. You say you want to work on your marriage, but when given advice on how to do that, you blame them for attaching you and gaslighting. Heck, you liken them to an abuser. 

So take your own advice. He is clearly awful (despite your own words), and you have another man in the wings giving you support. Be honorable, leave your marriage, and end it.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Then leave him. You say you want to work on your marriage, but when given advice on how to do that, you blame them for attaching you and gaslighting. Heck, you liken them to an abuser.
> 
> So take your own advice. He is clearly awful (despite your own words), and you have another man in the wings giving you support. Be honorable, leave your marriage, and end it.


I didn't call anyone an abuser (except my husband maybe?) but quite a few here would make terrible counselors. They seem so bitter that they would rather try to convince me that I'm lying than acknowledge that my husband can be both a bad guy and a good guy. I probably will leave my husband, I can't see this marriage lasting into forever. I simply have too much resentment and my husband can't cope with me being sick. Recipe for disaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just out of curiosity floxie,is your husband there for you in the other aspects of your marriage? Also,how does he view his own health problems? Is he lackadaisical or indifferent about them as well? Hope things work out okay for you.Take care.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> Maricha, I am not trying to be rude to you, but I think that is awesome that your are not a counselor. Because you would do an amazing job of convincing a battered woman that she was not actually being battered and that it was all in her head.
> 
> But I am not going to allow you to do that to me. I know what happened to me, I know how my husband treated me and I won't be gaslighted. Yes, my husband is a great person, but he was/is also a bully. Jekyel and Hyde.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. You don't know what I do, or do not do. Never said I wasn't a counselor of any kind. 
2. Interesting, you are the first person who has said I would convince someone that it was all in their head. Anyone else I have ever given advice to has actually found that it was sound.
3. I am not doing that to you. I am not trying to convince you that it is all in your head that he treated you so horribly. I actually question WHY you put up with it when it was so bad. 
4. Fine, you know how your husband treated you. I wasn't saying you DIDN'T know. I am not trying to gaslight you. The only thing I have issue with is the EA.

Look, divorce the SOB. I am not saying not to. My only problem was the fact that you turned to an ex for emotional support and you were hemming and hawing about whether or not you wanted to stay with your abusive husband. It was suggested, BY SOMEONE ELSE, that perhaps your view of your husband is/was skewed by your reliance on the ex. I mentioned the ex before all of this blew up.

You know what was interesting about my sister? We ALL tried to tell her that her stbxh is an @ss. She wouldn't see it. We listened to her, gave her advice, helped her... and she still went back to him because she believed God wanted her to.

Floxie, I believe you when you say he was horrible to you. I am not trying to gaslight you. I am not telling you to forgive him. As I said, I wouldn't have. As bad as he treated you, I'd have left long ago. But I also wouldn't have had another man in the mix as a confidant. 

The one thing I would suggest, because you DID, essentially, "date" the ex, make sure your state is a no fault state. Yes, you have the hospital records and such proving how he treated you... but you also have to worry about whether he would try to come back with "alienation of affection" or something similarly worded. If he is as bad as he sounds, he could try that. You said he is great to everyone else. They, likely, never saw how poorly he treated you, right? If that is the case, I would worry that he would try to use the excuses he used before: it's not that bad, etc. 

FWIW, Floxie, I do believe you. I believe you were looking for a sympathetic ear. I believe your husband treated you as you say he did. But when you DO defend him, it doesn't help your case for leaving. I think you need to get away. You have said the OM is not a factor. I not. But be prepared for your husband to MAKE him a factor...or try to. I apologize for sounding harsh in my posts. But do you see what you will be up against? You will meet opposition, worse than I posted. Stand firm, do not waver. Do NOT see the good in him if you are trying to get out. It will only suck you back in.

Being divorced at age 24 is not as bad as you may think. My mother was divorced at age 19, remarried at age 20, and now married almost 39 years. I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

The om is just confusing the issue and (triggering some folks). The only thing that is keeping you is fear of the unknown. You try to post some of his good qualities to justify staying but the trust has been broken and he is not remorseful and continues to treat you badly when you relapse. I don't know why people keep posting like it was the past when HE IS STILL TREATING YOU LIKE CRAP when you have a bad day. It's better to start over childless and 24 than at 44 with a few kids and all the baggage that comes as we age.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

TBT said:


> Just out of curiosity floxie,is your husband there for you in the other aspects of your marriage? Also,how does he view his own health problems? Is he lackadaisical or indifferent about them as well? Hope things work out okay for you.Take care.


TBT i would say he is there for me generally. He takes medication for his diabetes, kombiglyze i believe, but his diet changes and weight loss have been minimal. I think his depression makes him not want to treat his depression, if that makes any sense. It just gets him really down


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> TBT i would say he is there for me generally. He takes medication for his diabetes, kombiglyze i believe, but his diet changes and weight loss have been minimal. *I think his depression makes him not want to treat his depression, if that makes any sense. It just gets him really down*


That DOES make sense. The depression makes him less motivated regarding diet and weight loss. When he loses little to no weight, he gets more depressed. Why have his doctors not addressed this issue? Or has he managed to pull the wool over their eyes regarding that as well? I would guess he doesn't allow you to go to any appointments because you are likely to speak up about how he acts? 

Bear with me on this, please, Floxie... I don't recall reading this, if you mentioned it at all... How long has he dealt with depression? Is it throughout the marriage or did it seem to surface when you got sick? Or was it awhile after?

Please know, I am NOT trying to talk you into staying with him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like he is a good man. . . until you really need him. I think this is a pretty big warning sign, and a sign of his immaturity and self-centeredness. If you want to work on this marriage, get professional help b/c a man who can't be a man when he NEEDS to be, is no man at all. Trust me, I've lived this. Wish I had recognized it for what it was, but oh well. Good luck.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

floxie said:


> Kando you sound just like my husband. "Encouraging" me to get up and clean the house with muscle atrophy in both legs. I'm sure it was supportive in his opinion, but in the opinion of mysef, it was not. It was wrong. You can call me a cake eater, but you will not re-write my reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look Floxie. I'm not re-writing your reality. I'm asking you to consider what impact your own emotions play on your interpretation of events. We all filter our perceptions. You seem to vacillate in your descriptions of your husband. If he really is so bad, get out. Period. That is not what you chose to do. Instead you entered into an affair. 

Good luck


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Look Floxie. I'm not re-writing your reality. I'm asking you to consider what impact your own emotions play on your interpretation of events. We all filter our perceptions. You seem to vacillate in your descriptions of your husband. If he really is so bad, get out. Period. That is not what you chose to do. Instead you entered into an affair.
> 
> Good luck


Kando, you are bitter, I can see that is filtering your perception . Getting out of a marriage, when you are unable to even get out of the bed or eat, is pretty impossible. I know, i should have just put on my superwoman cape and flew away from there. But unfortunately, real life doesn't work that. 

Good luck to you as well, hopefully you are seeing someone about your inability to empathize.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> That DOES make sense. The depression makes him less motivated regarding diet and weight loss. When he loses little to no weight, he gets more depressed. Why have his doctors not addressed this issue? Or has he managed to pull the wool over their eyes regarding that as well? I would guess he doesn't allow you to go to any appointments because you are likely to speak up about how he acts?
> 
> Bear with me on this, please, Floxie... I don't recall reading this, if you mentioned it at all... How long has he dealt with depression? Is it throughout the marriage or did it seem to surface when you got sick? Or was it awhile after?
> 
> Please know, I am NOT trying to talk you into staying with him.


His doctors have suggested a trial medication to treat his depression, but he is not compliant or interested in that. There really is nothing they can do apparently as he is not self harming so he can not be forced in any way. I am allowed to accompany him to doctors appointments but i have to be quiet about any issues if i hope to be invited to join him again.

He has dealt with depression since i met him, and it has worsened over time and really his depression has hurt him in a lot of ways. Cost him money (visiting escorts, phone chats, meeting women on Craigslist and giving them money, signing up for non sexual match services) and friends. His coping mechanism for his depression is women ( spending time in sexual and none sexual ways) and video games.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> His doctors have suggested a trial medication to treat his depression, but he is not compliant or interested in that. There really is nothing they can do apparently as he is not self harming so he can not be forced in any way. I am allowed to accompany him to doctors appointments but i have to be quiet about any issues if i hope to be invited to join him again.
> 
> He has dealt with depression since i met him, and it has worsened over time and really his depression has hurt him in a lot of ways. Cost him money (visiting escorts, phone chats, meeting women on Craigslist and giving them money, signing up for non sexual match services) and friends. His coping mechanism for his depression is women ( spending time in sexual and none sexual ways) and video games.


Wait! Are they sure it is "just" depression? Again, NOT making excuses, so please, if that's what you are thinking, I apologize. My husband had been misdiagnosed with "simply depression" and the doctor put him on an antidepressant. He kept getting more and more depressed. He started seeing psychiatrists and psychologists and they changed the diagnosis, based on the symptoms exhibited, to bipolar (not sure whether 1, 2, or what), anxiety, agoraphobia, and now add. Nice huh? For two years or more, he was wrongly diagnosed and incorrectly medicated. His newest psychologist suggested that I go with him to the psychiatrist's appointment. Lo and behold, new meds, new dx, and  different man! Back, closer to the man I fell in love with and married. 

I am not saying this is your husband's problem...far from it. The big thing my husband has going for him is that he WANTS to get better. That doesn't sound like your husband, I am afraid. 
But, if you feel you have nothing to lose... SPEAK UP if you go to his next appointment. If you think he is trying to snow the doctor, say something. If you are afraid that he will harm you, then forget that suggestion and get out now! I am sure you know what I am implying, right?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> Kando, you are bitter, I can see that is filtering your perception . Getting out of a marriage, when you are unable to even get out of the bed or eat, is pretty impossible. I know, i should have just put on my superwoman cape and flew away from there. But unfortunately, real life doesn't work that.
> 
> Good luck to you as well, hopefully you are seeing someone about your inability to empathize.


(((HUGS))))

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Im kinda on the saem train of thought as Maricha..

The sexual permiscuity can be a sign of mania as well..But in general you will see "highs adn lows" in cycles..sometimes in weeks or months ..soemtiems more rapid as in the same day even..um "risk taking" is one of the mania symptoms and meeting strangers for sex is on the list for that..

YOu said Dr.Jeckly and Mr.Hyde..something to ponder ..

Does he abuse alcohol or durgs in any way or has he in his past?

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

quote: but he is not compliant or interested in that.end quote

Also non compliance to meds is oddly a "symptom" of bi-polar too..of course I also am not sayign thats his issue but he sounds a heck of a lot more than "depressed"..

He may not even HAVE any chemical imbalance but instead some sort of personality disorder ..

He doesnt soudn like the average "depressed" person to me but Im no expert ..just have a LOT of personal experience with it my 29 yo son unfortunately is diagnosed bi-polar with anxiety adn on disability..I have had severe depresson was mis/diagnosed with bi-polar but I have been hospitalized 2 times in my life once at 15 and once at 32..and treated with every med (well not every) but over 20 durign those years ..Im probably losign credibilty as I divulge this rather than gaining it LOL>>>but just so you know I understand it in part and as well as its common to be misdiagnosed..I was ..

Dallas


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

floxie said:


> Kando, you are bitter, I can see that is filtering your perception . Getting out of a marriage, when you are unable to even get out of the bed or eat, is pretty impossible. I know, i should have just put on my superwoman cape and flew away from there. But unfortunately, real life doesn't work that.
> 
> Good luck to you as well, hopefully you are seeing someone about your inability to empathize.


Victim mentality. Why are you attacking posters that are not in line with your views? We are not here to coddle you.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

The only thing I can say in her "defense" is its not a "view" she is telling facts(as far as SHE knows) and the facts shes divulging some are insinuating they "arent facts or that she has darmaitcally exaggerated them..as well as she being challenged with things like " which one is it?he he a good guy or bad guy you siad BOTH its one or the other"..she is not beign "coddled shes being roughed up ..the clear insinuation is that she is lying..

I think thats putting her on the "defense"..

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Im kinda on the saem train of thought as Maricha..
> 
> The sexual permiscuity can be a sign of mania as well..But in general you will see "highs adn lows" in cycles..sometimes in weeks or months ..soemtiems more rapid as in the same day even..um "risk taking" is one of the mania symptoms and meeting strangers for sex is on the list for that..
> 
> ...


Some take longer to cycle. AND, in some cases, it isn't a "true mania"... They still appear depressed, but not AS depressed. They can appear to be "normal". That is their manic state. This describes my husband. In his case, they are still working on the treatment. I'm glad he's no longer a zombie.. and before that, he was lashing out at everyone.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> The only thing I can say in her "defense" is its not a "view" she is telling facts(as far as SHE knows) and the facts shes divulging some are insinuating they "arent facts or that she has darmaitcally exaggerated them..as well as she being challenged with things like " which one is it?he he a good guy or bad guy you siad BOTH its one or the other"..she is not beign "coddled shes being roughed up ..the clear insinuation is that she is lying..
> 
> I think thats putting her on the "defense"..
> 
> Dallas


Dallas, thanks, yeah I can tell that a lot of people here are both bitter and angry. So they can only see someone as a saint or a demon. And they are in attack mode, pitchforks and all. But I'm not going to defed myself to anyone anymore, what happened to me is well documented and I know that. So if some random internet guy wants to believe he knows what happened to me better than I know, then whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Wait! Are they sure it is "just" depression? Again, NOT making excuses, so please, if that's what you are thinking, I apologize. My husband had been misdiagnosed with "simply depression" and the doctor put him on an antidepressant. He kept getting more and more depressed. He started seeing psychiatrists and psychologists and they changed the diagnosis, based on the symptoms exhibited, to bipolar (not sure whether 1, 2, or what), anxiety, agoraphobia, and now add. Nice huh? For two years or more, he was wrongly diagnosed and incorrectly medicated. His newest psychologist suggested that I go with him to the psychiatrist's appointment. Lo and behold, new meds, new dx, and  different man! Back, closer to the man I fell in love with and married.
> 
> I am not saying this is your husband's problem...far from it. The big thing my husband has going for him is that he WANTS to get better. That doesn't sound like your husband, I am afraid.
> But, if you feel you have nothing to lose... SPEAK UP if you go to his next appointment. If you think he is trying to snow the doctor, say something. If you are afraid that he will harm you, then forget that suggestion and get out now! I am sure you know what I am implying, right?


It may be more than depression, he has not been officialy diagnosed by a doctor. He only see's his primary care doctor (the one that manages his diabetes and blood pressure) about four times a year. He is very adamant about not wanting to be medicated. I could say something the next time he goes but that won't be until november. I am not worried that he would physically harm me, he is somewhat of a "softy".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> Dallas, thanks, yeah I can tell that a lot of people here are both bitter and angry. So they can only see someone as a saint or a demon. And they are in attack mode, pitchforks and all. But I'm not going to defed myself to anyone anymore, what happened to me is well documented and I know that. So if some random internet guy wants to believe he knows what happened to me better than I know, then whatever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know its hard but KNOW some (like me) are taking you at your WORD and believe you ..so far nothing you have said is "contradicting" not even your husband is good to you other times despite his cruel treatment of you when you were sick..that is 100% believable when you are dealing with someone who is "unstable" ..

also I dont call it "victim mentality" anytime anyone needs a little sympathy..If my grandson falls down and cuts his knee open and cries and says Im bleeding I dont say STOP being a VICTIM get your butt up and keep walking! ..I give him due appropriate sympathy...thats a NORMAL human need its not always a neurosis" I know people with "victim mentality" and you dont seem that way to me..

So chin up and weed through and talk to those that are helping you figure this out..

Marichia seems to be putting things together too..listen to her suggestions..

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> It may be more than depression, he has not been officialy diagnosed by a doctor. He only see's his primary care doctor (the one that manages his diabetes and blood pressure) about four times a year. He is very adamant about not wanting to be medicated. I could say something the next time he goes but that won't be until november. I am not worried that he would physically harm me, he is somewhat of a "softy".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also you have to think about some sort of personality disorder not just some organic chemical thing..OR he could ..by chance fear something will happen to you and when you are sick has to face that fear he will lose you so he has a severe emotoinal reaction ?Did anyone close to him die ?

Gosh Im picking your brain .. wish I could be a fly on the wall in his counseling sessions and whisper things in the counselors ear to realy to him/her that you know ! LOL!!

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> It may be more than depression, he has not been officialy diagnosed by a doctor. He only see's his primary care doctor (the one that manages his diabetes and blood pressure) about four times a year. He is very adamant about not wanting to be medicated. I could say something the next time he goes but that won't be until november. I am not worried that he would physically harm me, he is somewhat of a "softy".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, if you are still with him at that time, and IF he hasn't surmised that you intend to speak up at the next appointment, go with him...and speak up, then. He will, likely, still be resistant. Again, this is if you are still there. You have indicated that you want to get out. If you manage to do so, ok. Yes, Dallas is correct that it COULD be a personality disorder, but don't discount the other suggestions as well. In the meantime, take care of YOU first and foremost. YOU need to heal. I wish there was a way for you to secretly record interactions with him when you are ill. Then, there would be evidence that he couldn't refute. Sigh...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Yes take care of you first no doubt..but it will help for you to sort of "committ" to the marriage..have you threatened to leave him at any point?

Dallas


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

floxie said:


> Honestly I'm feeling very "triggered" right now. I don't think I want this marriage. The sex is bad, the husband is worse and I'm too sick to try and convince him that I am worthy of concern and care from a man I've been with for 5 years! I think the only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because of his social anxiety issues. But I am nobody's plan b or punching bag. I don't know. But I do know that if I never have to see his d*ck again, it'll be too soon as far as I'm concerned
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Foxie this situation would challenge a saint. You need help from a sensible sympathetic person and IC to help to resolve this. Where is your family? Any mature friends? You need support to get you through. Your illness will be adversely affected by an environment of tension. I think you would do better in a more peaceful and supportive environment. 

Your husband cannot provide that or can do so only sporadically. The bad times seem really bad. It sounds like spousal abuse. No matter what mistakes you have made abuse is inexcusable. These things often elevate he may not be as safe as you think. 

There is a book that may be helpful "To good to leave, To bad to stay". 

I am going to talk to you like an older sister, please listen. 

You need to pull out your stores of kindness, compassion and empathy in the way you treat your husband. What you are doing now is wrong and you know it. Drop the ex and concentrate on you marriage. He does not have your best interest at heart and talking with him is decietful to your husband. 

Don't let this experience make you into a person who lacks moral character and resorts to the lowest common denominator. . Make it an opportunity for growth into a person who respects herself and others. Right now you are disrespecting your husband. No matter what he has done there is no excuse for that. There are other remedies that are respectful - MC, separation and divorce. 

What would a mature well adjusted woman of quality do? This is important. People seek their level. You attract worthwhile people of quality if you are the same. Otherwise you attract inconstant people who will deceive you and drop you when you need them the most. 

What ever you do, don't have children with this man. The emotional instability is not an environment to bring a child into the world. 

Rise above this and do the right thing. The way you handle this will effect your future relationships. You get what you give - would you want to be betrayed and decieved? 

BTW is the hostile unhelpful posters bother you, block them. You will not see their post..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Also you have to think about some sort of personality disorder not just some organic chemical thing..OR he could ..by chance fear something will happen to you and when you are sick has to face that fear he will lose you so he has a severe emotoinal reaction ?Did anyone close to him die ?
> 
> Gosh Im picking your brain .. wish I could be a fly on the wall in his counseling sessions and whisper things in the counselors ear to realy to him/her that you know ! LOL!!
> 
> Dallas


 He has not had anyone very close to him die. But he does often talk about people leaving him or not being around anymore. Not that they die and leave, just that they are no longer interested in being around him so they leave. He has a lot of pent up anger for people he feels have "left" him. In my opinion he also has sever social anxiety, is very unsure around people and often feel that they are putting him down. He really likes being "there" for women, typically down trodden one's and that has gotten him in some very interesting situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Yes take care of you first no doubt..but it will help for you to sort of "committ" to the marriage..have you threatened to leave him at any point?
> 
> Dallas


I have threatened to leave many times, but I believe he knows my threats are empty as I have nowhere to go and no way to support myself at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> He has not had anyone very close to him die. But he does often talk about people leaving him or not being around anymore. Not that they die and leave, just that they are no longer interested in being around him so they leave. He has a lot of pent up anger for people he feels have "left" him. In my opinion he also has sever social anxiety, is very unsure around people and often feel that they are putting him down. *He really likes being "there" for women, typically down trodden one's and that has gotten him in some very interesting situations.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh boy, "knight in shining armor".... I have one of those. Pointed out the inappropriateness of his conversations with one particular woman and that ended THAT aspect. But the anxiety, unsure around others... yea, got that one. Mine has a problem just walking thru the store with me. But he deals when I need him to go with me.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> I have threatened to leave many times, but I believe he knows my threats are empty as I have nowhere to go and no way to support myself at this point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have other thoughts but stop threatening to leave him doesnt matter if you know he knows the threats are empty.Tell him the oppossite..(of course if you are willing) that you arent goign anywhere you are devoted to him..Wont solve the problem but may help with insecurity a tad..nobody wants a constant "reminder" that someone wants to leave them..even though they cant..Ya know?

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

floxie said:


> He has not had anyone very close to him die. But he does often talk about people leaving him or not being around anymore. Not that they die and leave, just that they are no longer interested in being around him so they leave. He has a lot of pent up anger for people he feels have "left" him. In my opinion he also has sever social anxiety, is very unsure around people and often feel that they are putting him down. He really likes being "there" for women, typically down trodden one's and that has gotten him in some very interesting situations.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More reason why you shouldnt have that threat over his head dont you think?

You're going to have to build him up ..if you are up for it..

Look at this term ..Ezer Kenegdo..You may be able help this man if you love him enough..Possibly..Im not saying "put up with abuse" but it could be you are his "lifesaving counterpart" ..If so then WOW you have been handed an important job..I wouldnt throw it away without thinking about it..HARD..

(((HUGS)))))

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ezer kenegdo

Read this carefully ..there is an against and for..but shows your "power" as a force in your husbands life..

You are THAT "instrumental"...Never doubt that..

Dallas


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> More reason why you shouldnt have that threat over his head dont you think?
> 
> You're going to have to build him up ..if you are up for it..
> 
> ...


Unfortunately Dallas, I don't think I am up for it. I need to be the one that's built up right now, I really don't have the strength to do the building. I can't wait another 2,3,4 years for my husband to "get it". I could be dead by then from the stress or something else. I probably shouldn't threaten to move out but I just get so frustrated. I really do apreciate all of your advice 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Dallas, thanks, yeah I can tell that a lot of people here are both bitter and angry. So they can only see someone as a saint or a demon. And they are in attack mode, pitchforks and all. But I'm not going to defed myself to anyone anymore, what happened to me is well documented and I know that. So if some random internet guy wants to believe he knows what happened to me better than I know, then whatever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will try one more time to get across to you. I am not saying that you are lying. I am saying that your perception of what happened may not be the object truth, and that your relationship with your ex could be influencing that. It may not be, but to not even admit the possibility makes me wonder why.

As far as perception, google the McGurk effect. There are some Wiki entries that are interesting. Watch and listen to the YouTube videos and find out what you perceive. It is a simple "eye-opening" exercise about our perceptions and the objective truth.

Regardless, best of luck.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Best of luck to you as well Tall Average Guy. Have a nice day.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I will try one more time to get across to you. I am not saying that you are lying. I am saying that your perception of what happened may not be the object truth, and that your relationship with your ex could be influencing that. It may not be, but to not even admit the possibility makes me wonder why.
> 
> As far as perception, google the McGurk effect. There are some Wiki entries that are interesting. Watch and listen to the YouTube videos and find out what you perceive. It is a simple "eye-opening" exercise about our perceptions and the objective truth.
> 
> Regardless, best of luck.



:iagree:
It's clear you are here for sympathy, and that is fine. You have mine and many other posters in your thread. I have my own experience with immobilization atrophy and the hard road to recovery. I know without the dogged encouragement of the physical therapists and my family, I would not be walking today. I refuse to consider their drill sargent approach as anything but therapeutic. At the time, I cursed them repeatedly in my head; but, I knew they were giving me what I truly needed.

You think that I am bitter because I don't believe infidelity is acceptable no matter the circumstances? Ok, than I'll accept the label. I at least have enough awareness to now that my previous experiences and emotional state color my perceptions.

Good luck to you.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Kando, good luck to you also. Have a wonderful day 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

There is a difference between tough love and cruelty. Yes she needs to try her best to recover but he is abusive..period. Imagine if he was the hurt one and could no longer provide. Would it be fine for her to berate him because he couldn't buy her things anymore? What if he becomes impotent like a lot of men with diabetes or hypertension do? Will it be O.k for her to mock his sexual performance? It's O.K for him to insult her appearance and sexual performance? The OM issue isn't right and stepping away from him is the right thing to do. That still doesn't mean that this is a good marriage. It seems as if he only values what she can do around the house..her appearance and her ability to satisfy him sexually. He is happy as long as she put up the goods but if she can't then he gets ugly. Amazing people are telling her if she loves him enough she can change him. Yeah a woman trying to change a man who doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong...that's gonna work. To the op the reason you are sexually repulsed by your husband is because women have a mind-vagina connection. Your trying to make your body something your mind doesn't want it to do.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Ayla said:


> There is a difference between tough love and cruelty. Yes she needs to try her best to recover but he is abusive..period. Imagine if he was the hurt one and could no longer provide. Would it be fine for her to berate him because he couldn't buy her things anymore? What if he becomes impotent like a lot of men with diabetes or hypertension do? Will it be O.k for her to mock his sexual performance? It's O.K for him to insult her appearance and sexual performance? The OM issue isn't right and stepping away from him is the right thing to do. That still doesn't mean that this is a good marriage. It seems as if he only values what she can do around the house..her appearance and her ability to satisfy him sexually. He is happy as long as she put up the goods but if she can't then he gets ugly. Amazing people are telling her if she loves him enough she can change him. Yeah a woman trying to change a man who doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong...that's gonna work. To the op the reason you are sexually repulsed by your husband is because women have a mind-vagina connection. Your trying to make your body something your mind doesn't want it to do.


Ayla, thanks  I think you summarized well and I have also said that to him, that he is only with me to have a maid a consistent sex. He disagrees of course. I have been with him since I was 19 and have never realy "had" to work, though I often did. So I was the homemaker and practically always up for sex. And I think he became acustomed to that and expected it, no matter what "state" I might be in. I also think seeing me as a weaker person made him want to exert his "manliness" over me, he typically feels like the weaker one in most stuations becase of his social anxiety, but I think my illness gave him an oppurtunity to feel like top dog, so he took it. I do not think I can love my husband into caring for me when I am sick, I think that is a personal choice that he would have to make. I definitely feel myself trying to will my mind into enjoying sex with my husband, but it is not hapening and I find myself cringing if he tries to touch me during sex.I also know that I can not enjoy sex without the touching, kissing etc but I just can not allow myself to let him touch me in the ways he knows I like. I just feel so disgusted, like a prostitute or something. There is just nothing there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think part of the problem is that a lot of people here have been badly betrayed in cruel ways by spouses. So they do have a lot of pain. 

I think what I see is that in a "normal" marriage, where there isn't abuse, the 180, concepts of EA and that kind of thing reflect the idea that in marriage everything you do affects the other person, and in a lot of ways you can bear responsibility for the state of your marriage even if you have been cheated on. 

Just my opinion but in an abusive marriage those concepts don't apply. It is rare for an abuser to be vulnerable enough to change, and 180 efforts only deepen the anger and the level
of abuse. So yes your friendship with your ex probably does make his anger worse. But withdrawing from it isn't going to make him stop being abusive. 
When I went through the county mandated parenting classes I just wanted to cry because none of it applies to abusers. They have removed themselves from their marriage already and have decided to use their spouse as a pawn, not treat them like a human being. 

Floxie I'm so sorry for all you have gone through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think part of the problem is that a lot of people here have been badly betrayed in cruel ways by spouses. So they do have a lot of pain.
> 
> I think what I see is that in a "normal" marriage, where there isn't abuse, the 180, concepts of EA and that kind of thing reflect the idea that in marriage everything you do affects the other person, and in a lot of ways you can bear responsibility for the state of your marriage even if you have been cheated on.
> 
> ...


Diwali, thank you. It really is tough going through all of this, my life took a total 180. That's really hard for me to accept.

I really did feel like my husband removed himself from the marriage as soon as i got sick. For some reason, my illness made him view me as the enemy it seems. That's why he was able to attack me i think, because i was no longer his wife in his mind, i was just the lazy woman in his house that didn't clean,cook, have sex, and always complained.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

History rewriting...it happens when others are involved in your marriage physically or emotionally.


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

Floxie, please come back.

I'm saddened when reading these accusatory posts. Nothing you can say will appease their thirst for knowing if you're re-writing history. Even so, how can they verify it? Most stories are told from a one sided perspective, and arguing, demanding to hear the side from the other party, is impossible. 

To play devils advocate, rewriting history usually entails trashing your partner completeles, avoiding any redeemable qualities your partner has and making the troubles in the marriage worse, heaping the blame on him/her. She's not. He's good when it doesn't deal with her sickness. He taunted her and was not there for her during her illness. He was so callous that he ignored her physical pain and demanded sex, even slamming doors. Other times though, he was his normal self, but on his terms, not dealing with the reality of her sickness.

But c'mon, when will you be satisfied that she's telling the truth and how can she prove it?
If this is a forum to help folks, at what point do you move on with the facts that she's provided?
Nearly 10 pages deep and still being questioned?

She's here for support, and stuck on the "verifying her story" part.

Floxie, come back.
I have some different words for you, because I've been there. I have the exact same symptoms as you.
Understand while most of these posters on here are knowledgeable in the topic of this forum, I'd be willing to bet they have no idea what we've been though.
Being both in our 20's and being as healthy as a proverbial horse, then feeling like your knocking on deaths door, is excruciating- both physical and emotional.

I'm sure you read about someone advising you to think positive, like in sports, and you'll start healing.
I'm sure you chuckled as much as I did. Maybe even our fried nerves and lower motor syndrome managed a laugh at it, as well.


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