# Cheaters and their 'futures'



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I was discussing this with some friends and we all came to a brick wall on it

Basically you are the cheater - a serial one. you've had numerous affairs and the marriage has been dealt the last fatal blow - It's gone

The OM has gone - that fog has disappeared 

So you are ready to fall in love with the next 'the one' You have realized you can't go on like this and do all this again and want a 'clean' relationship from the start.

You meet and fall genuinely in love with 'the one'

Now what do you do ? Do you tell him about your chequered adulterous past? a bit of it or none of it? in the hope that if he she does not know they will not be scared off.

But you know that that starts of the relationship with lies about yourself!? 

I'm thinking about my wife and her next start up and feeling genuinely what a terrible dilemma this is for her, for this kind of person with this kind of baggage. (she made her bed so my sympathy is of course nil)

As a none cheater if I meet somebody and want to go for it I have nothing I want to hide and can be open about it and that does feel okay for me but for the cheater this must be really bad news

If you're honest you could lose the love of your life and if you're not later on you could lose the love of your life when the inevitable truths come out 

I know we have WS men and woman cheaters on here and I 'd like to hear how you dealt with this

Damned if you do and damned if you don't but it's bad all round from what I can see

How did you cope with starting the next proper meaningful realtionship?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you were married to a serial cheater for very long,you have plenty to hide. Just my opinion.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Headspin said:


> I'm thinking about my wife and her next start up and feeling genuinely what a terrible dilemma this is for her, for this kind of person with this kind of baggage.


The difference between you and your STBX is that it's only you caring about things like that. Pretty sure she has no such dilemma.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would bet the serial cheater in this case would not reveal what they did. I mean, why would they?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I would bet the serial cheater in this case would not reveal what they did. I mean, why would they?


But surely if you go into that next relationship with your eyes open and you lie about your past it will come out at some point no? and then yo have to deal with the fallout of that and as likely lose that person you now have fallen for.

If I met someone today and fell in love and found out this time next year they had an serial adulterous past I'd have to kill it stone dead because of the fear of repeat and because of the lying to me that had gone on since we would have been together.

It must be a real dilemma for them.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I was discussing this with some friends and we all came to a brick wall on it
> 
> Basically you are the cheater - a serial one. you've had numerous affairs and the marriage has been dealt the last fatal blow - It's gone
> 
> ...


I am the betrayed spouse and the issues brought up are the exact reasons why I am insisting on filing fault. 

I want it in the court record that HE CHEATED, NOT ME. 

I Dont want the typical no fault reason of irreconcilable differences in the record. It makes me sound possibly difficult and rigid and it raises the possibility that maybe I cheated or we both cheated. I want no doubt about who cheated. I have proof and I want it in the public court record.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The reality is they are either going to omit that information or justify it in some way. Just imagine the monster you will become when your wife tells the story.

I know anyone who has been cheated on wants to believe there will be some divine intervention that will somehow make things right. The reality is there isn't. You have to learn to live with the fact some people cheat...and feel justified. If you don't than you should be proud of that fact knowing if you did you would probably hate yourself. 

Personally I don't lie or cheat. A part of me though wishes I could and not feel remorse. Somehow it seems life would be more interesting that way...then on the other hand maybe it would just be a whole lot more complicated. I can't really say what the answer is all I know is I have to be true to myself.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I would bet the serial cheater in this case would not reveal what they did. I mean, why would they?


But how can you keep a serial cheating past at bay? questions about how your last marriage finished - gaps in the story about ones past etc etc


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I am the betrayed spouse and the issues brought up are the exact reasons why I am insisting on filing fault.
> 
> I want it in the court record that HE CHEATED, NOT ME.
> 
> I Dont want the typical no fault reason of irreconcilable differences in the record. It makes me sound possibly difficult and rigid and it raises the possibility that maybe I cheated or we both cheated. I want no doubt about who cheated. I have proof and I want it in the public court record.


Yes Sara but what about your husband? will he try to hide his cheating history from his next wife/lover? How will he manage that?

For me I know whenever I meet my stbxw next long term partner (and I will as it's bound to happen because of contact with kids etc) I will inform him about our past. I bet many ex married spouses do

It really must be a nightmare for the WS and their next big commitment


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Headspin said:


> But how can you keep a serial cheating past at bay? questions about how your last marriage finished - gaps in the story about ones past etc etc


most will simply justify that they cheated because x was so horrible


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and unfortunately most people will buy that excuse


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

They were dishonest with their spouse and I don't see why they would be any different with a future partner.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Headspin said:


> For me I know whenever I meet my stbxw next long term partner (and I will as it's bound to happen because of contact with kids etc) I will inform him about our past. I bet many ex married spouses do


I really think that is a bad idea. All it's going to accomplish is making you look bad. Undoubtedly she will expect it from you and set up the story so the new guy is expecting you to say something like that. 

I think you're better off forgetting about her and her relationships. Let her next partner learn for himself what he is in for. For all you know she won't cheat on him. Her relationships are no longer your concern. Your concern is focussing on getting yourself to a good place so you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful woman.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> Most will simply justify that they cheated because x was so horrible


Yep,

My wife (former serial cheater) has used the above excuse. One of her good friend (serial cheater herself), cheated for years on her husband. They divorced shortly and she remarried her AP.

I remember asking my wife about her divorce after so many years, kids and all. 

Telling... "It was a bad marriage, He did not show her love, She has a good strong marriage now."


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I really think that is a bad idea. All it's going to accomplish is making you look bad. Undoubtedly she will expect it from you and set up the story so the new guy is expecting you to say something like that.
> 
> I think you're better off forgetting about her and her relationships. Let her next partner learn for himself what he is in for. For all you know she won't cheat on him. Her relationships are no longer your concern. Your concern is focussing on getting yourself to a good place so you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful woman.


It's a fair point , something I'll think about


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My WW justified her POSOM's actions in having an earlier affair with another married woman as he "helped her out of the relationship".

He really is a stand up guy. Helping so many married women in such a selfless way.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Yes Sara but what about your husband? will he try to hide his cheating history from his next wife/lover? How will he manage that?
> 
> For me I know whenever I meet my stbxw next long term partner (and I will as it's bound to happen because of contact with kids etc) I will inform him about our past. I bet many ex married spouses do
> 
> It really must be a nightmare for the WS and their next big commitment


Divorce records are public record. So, it's easy to find out why someone divorced. 

No matter how black a portrait the cheater may paint of the marriage, there will always be the spectre that the person is about to marry a spouse that is willing to lie and deceive the one person, the spouse, who is supposed to be their best friend. 

If the spouse was so bad, divorce was a more honorable option. 

When I was single and working in Manhattan, a lot of married men would hit on me and they always said the wife was a witch and they weren't having sex and she let herself go. 

I would always tell them that if that were true, why not seek a divorce. It's easy to divorce today. 

Often, too, later I would see the wife and typically she was adorable and had not let herself go. So likely the guy was lying about the lack of sex and the wifey being a witch, too.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I was discussing this with some friends and we all came to a brick wall on it
> 
> Basically you are the cheater - a serial one. you've had numerous affairs and the marriage has been dealt the last fatal blow - It's gone
> 
> ...


Sometimes serial cheaters find each other.

The new relationship starts out with something in common.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Sometimes serial cheaters find each other.
> 
> The new relationship starts out with something in common.


:smthumbup:

Actually that's funny

I love you but I dont want to know anything about your past especially if its as 'special' as mine was 

.........lets just surprise one another 

:lol:


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Headspin said:


> It's a fair point , something I'll think about


I realize this is easy for me to say from the outside looking in. I know from experience letting go is one of the hardest things to do. We want so much for there to be justice. 

Think of it she's done you a favour in a way by freeing you to be with a woman worthy of you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> and unfortunately most people will buy that excuse


Very, very true in my case sadly.

My ex's exes are all "terrible, terrible women who mistreated him." When we were just beginning to date we had a serious discussion about our thoughts/feelings about cheating. He admitted that he did cheat once - but only after she cheated on him. That he feels guilty about it, what he learned from it, blah, blah, blah. It rose a red flag to me at the time but since he was so forthright (so I thought) and admitted to making a mistake and learning from it, I gave him a chance.

It's funny now because in his online dating profiles - apparently I had an affair about a year ago (not true), that he just hasn't been able to get over. It also has me doubting if his ex even cheated in the first place because I didn't cheat but that doesn't stop him from lying about it.

Honestly, after this experience if/when I ever date again, if a man tells me he cheated, I'm going to move on to the next one. I know people can change and marriages can be restored after infidelity but the risk is just too scary to me now so if the admission comes out in the early stages, I'm outta there!


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