# Need Advice on Crappy Relationship



## Confused90 (Dec 5, 2016)

Hi all!

I've been with my "fiance" for 5 years now. I have to put that word in quotes because it feels like a lie to call him that. If I'm being honest with myself I have no intention of marrying him....not in the near future anyway. Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him as he's the father of my new baby and I still love him...I just don't see him changing. :/

He is normally a very loving person. He is considerate and really treats me like a queen most of the time. However when we get into arguments he becomes absolutely cruel....like nothing I've ever imagined. He calls me an idiot, a *****, a *****, he's kicked me out of our home in the middle of the night, and he breaks things around the house. He has a drinking problem and that's usually what we fight about. There was a whole year where he couldn't stop himself from getting so drunk he peed himself. The problem is that he doesn't drink every day and it doesn't interfere with his job or anything so he thinks I'm just being a nag. 

It is very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation. What makes it so hard for me is that his disrespectful attitude quickly dissipates after the episode and then he's back to being husband of the year. But I don't want to raise my daughter to think any man can or should get away with calling her names. I've always imagined I would end up with a man who wouldn't dream of talking to a woman that way. I know I'm not perfect and most of the time I start the arguments by commenting on something he should change (ex drinking or helping more with the baby) but how much of this disrespect am I suppose to put up with? -.-


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

None.

Please do not marry him.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Don't get married to him

If he's still your "fiance" after 5 years; either you or him [or both], probably don't _really_ want to get married.

As he is the father of your baby; it's your duty to make sure that he contributes to her financial support; at least until she is 18.


You thought you would end up with a considerate, loving husband. But you didn't. Work on that.

You can't fix people who are drunks; they have to want to fix themselves.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

His behavior will only get worse, not better. Unless he receives a serious kick in the nuts, and turns his life around.

You need to find a way to make the drinking painful for him. Too painful to continue. For instance, you leave for a week every time he gets drunk. After three times, you contact his boss, and tell his boss that your fiance is drinking, and being verbally abusive... You get the idea. He needs to learn, *and experience*, that his actions have serious consequences.

People typically only change when the pain of remaining where they are, is greater than that of progress.


----------



## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


----------



## Confused90 (Dec 5, 2016)

Wow thanks for being so forth-coming. I personally have a hard time understanding how someone can be cruel to someone they love. I don't call him names or anything of that nature because I know that once something is said you can never take it back. So maybe he just doesn't get it because he's never experienced it from my perspective before?

When you were arguing with your wife in cruel ways, how did she react? I need to learn how to teach him that it isn't okay to treat me this way or I just have to jump ship altogether. :/


----------



## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm glad you are seeing his true colors.
It can't be a clean break because of your child.

Does he agree his has anger and drinking problems or is his head buried in the sand?
If he acknowledges he does then you have something to nurture.
You could get help through MC, he through IC and if you have a faith, perhaps one of the leaders could help your fiancé and you.

But do not go into a marriage where you have no room left in your moving day luggage for any of your possessions because it is stuffed full of all the red flags you saw, and then snatched them out of the air and hid them in your bag.

I wish you the best.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Confused90 said:


> I don't call him names or anything of that nature because I know that once something is said you can never take it back. So maybe he just doesn't get it because he's never experienced it from my perspective before?


Come on, Confused. Do you really need to 'TEACH' this assclown what verbal abuse is? Is he* that *socially stunted that he doesn't even know how to treat people with common courtesy and respect? Was he raised by wolves? Because THAT would be the only acceptable reason for his disgusting, abusive behavior.

You've unfortunately aligned yourself with a functioning alcoholic. He's what's known as a binge drinker. You've had a child with him which now ties you to him forever. 

If you think you can control him when he binge drinks and 'teach' him to talk to you respectfully during all his future drunken binges, then you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Honestly, is this how you want to raise your child? Around some animal who drinks himself into a rage, calls you horrifically abusive and vulgar names, smashes things around the house, and passes out and pees himself? Is THAT how you want to raise some poor innocent child? Because that's what you've *chosen *for this poor kid.

I just don't understand why women have children with losers like this.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

People who abuse alcohol are either aggressive drunks or the quiet 'go sleep in the corner' or 'become silly' types. 
He sounds like an aggressive drunk who forgets the next day. You need to start recording these episodes, his slurs, etc when they take place. He needs to be confronted with the evidence of what you are going through and be made to get help with his anger and his drinking.
If he refuses to then you have no choice but to consider leaving him. Drinking never gets better without intervention or a programme, it will get worse and you do not want your child to grow up in that environment, in fact the abuse (that is what it is) could move to your child too.

Consider joining a local Al-anon group in your area, this will help you see what is happening in your home and give you ways of coping.


----------



## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

+100 with @aine and @MSalmoides

I am similar to your fiance before I worked on my drinking. The only thing that turned me around was to stop drinking and work on myself to become a better man. 

The problem you have is that your fiance is 90% amazing as you admit. If you leave him you will spend years trying to find a man who is even 85% amazing and you may not even find someone that good, it gets harder the older we become. Record him and get him in AA, work on yourself and ask yourself why you have been engaged for 5 years. That is not normal and perhaps the crux of the problem just as much as his verbal abuse. What's the story on that?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Rockclimber said:


> +100 with @aine and @MSalmoides
> 
> I am similar to your fiance before I worked on my drinking. The only thing that turned me around was to stop drinking and work on myself to become a better man.
> 
> *The problem you have is that your fiance is 90% amazing as you admit. If you leave him you will spend years trying to find a man who is even 85% amazing and you may not even find someone that good, it gets harder the older we become. Record him and get him in AA, work on yourself and ask yourself why you have been engaged for 5 years. That is not normal and perhaps the crux of the problem just as much as his verbal abuse. What's the story on that?*



The OP didn't say that her fiance was 90% amazing, that was another poster @MSalmoides. Telling someone who is in an abusive relationship with an addict and a child to stay because "they might not find someone that good" if they leave...:scratchhead: Bad advice and reeks of emotional manipulation. Abusers say this kind of crap to get their victims to stay. 10% abusive = abusive. How good he treats her when he isn't abusing her doesn't matter FFS.

There is a child involved, OP is not the only one living this abuse and her staying and exposing her child to this makes her guilty of second hand abuse and neglecting her duties as a parent IMO.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BioFury said:


> You need to find a way to make the drinking painful for him. Too painful to continue. For instance, you leave for a week every time he gets drunk. After three times, you contact his boss, and tell his boss that your fiance is drinking, and being verbally abusive... You get the idea. He needs to learn, *and experience*, that his actions have serious consequences.


My personal opinion is that personal issues should never be brought into the office. If his drinking doesn't affect his work, you have zero business calling his boss and potentially getting him fired. Imagine what a big blowup that would be with him, and then if you do leave him, chances are that he wouldn't be able to help with the baby because once you're fired from a job for reasons such as that, good luck finding someone else to hire you.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You want this man near your baby?!


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

jld said:


> None.
> 
> Please do not marry him.


This.

He is not a good man, he will never be a good man. It is up to you to decide if you and your child are worth more. You need some professional help to work out why you stay with such a pig.

There are plenty of decent men out there, ones that do not abuse their partners, get yourself sorted out and then do not ever settle again for a pig of a man. Better off to be on your own than with an abusive man.

FWIW I have never been with an abusive man, zero tolerance here for such hideous behaviour. I have great men in my life, my dad, my brothers, friends, family and of course my partner. You are a victim OP and a bully deliberately chooses victim types. Until you see that, then you will stay put and tolerate being treated this way.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Confused90 said:


> Hi all!
> 
> I've been with my "fiance" for 5 years now. I have to put that word in quotes because it feels like a lie to call him that. If I'm being honest with myself I have no intention of marrying him....not in the near future anyway. Don't get me wrong, I want to marry him as he's the father of my new baby and I still love him...I just don't see him changing. :/


This is the 21st century you don't need to marry anyone to get financial or social support any more. (in the Westernised world) (ie different in many i-slam-ic nations.

You have a young child.

It is harmful for young children's mental and psychological development to be exposed to the kind of activity you are talking about.... do not abuse your child in this manner.

Leave now. Tell him to get some control (try CBTherapy). Only agree to trial shared-living arrangement _after_ he has sorted his s..t out.
Yes, I know your hormones are making you really need him. Find a supportive non-judgement (against him and against you) women's hostel to help you until your path is clear.

Staying with this guy at the moment is -your- choice .... chose not to abuse you child. (and he will need to develop some parent/daddy skills in that time too, because chances are he's never learned any)


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're insisting on staying with him, YOU will have to learn everything you can about Boundaries and Consequences. This is essential. Go to therapy for it. Read every book and article you can find on it. And start attending Alanon asap.


----------



## Goldeneye (Dec 20, 2016)

Have him read "The Easy Way to Stop Drinking" by Allen Carr
If he stops COMPLETELY - all good
If not, you'll have to find a new fiance


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

There are so many people that have poor communication habits that they learned from their parents. You guys need to learn how to problem solve and have healthy conflict resolution. A therapist can give you the tools to practice this. 
He needs to stop drinking period. And if you drink, maybe you should also stop for him. 
Life is hard, and they will always be issues and problems. You guys need to learn how to support each other and talk to each other lovingly through these hard times. Go seek therapy with him for help on communication.


----------

