# he "broke it off" but still allowing her to explain herself.



## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

so my husband decides he is breaking off this EA. he stayed with his parents for 6 days and couldn't live without me. he changed his phone number so she can't contact him. but they work together!!!!! he is about to accept a birthday present and let her speak her mind (AGAIN). i expressed how i am hurt by this and he is hung up on this $100 gift certificate to buy recording equipment. not to mention he went around and avoided my question about why he is letting her speak her mind if he is "done" with her. his response is, It's 5 minutes!!!!!!. i dont know what to do. i am back to being hurt. i was strong, feeling better, now back to hurt.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Dee4204 said:


> so my husband decides he is breaking off this EA. he stayed with his parents for 6 days and couldn't live without me. he changed his phone number so she can't contact him. but they work together!!!!! he is about to accept a birthday present and let her speak her mind (AGAIN). i expressed how i am hurt by this and he is hung up on this $100 gift certificate to buy recording equipment. not to mention he went around and avoided my question about why he is letting her speak her mind if he is "done" with her. his response is, It's 5 minutes!!!!!!. i dont know what to do. i am back to being hurt. i was strong, feeling better, now back to hurt.


I have to admit, I'm a little confused what you mean when you say "...he is about to accept a birthday present and let her speak her mind (AGAIN)..." What does that mean?

My *GUESS* is that your spouse is telling you that he is "breaking it off" and changed his cell phone number, but he's still in touch with her at work and still wants to take the present from her and still let's her talk and still listens, etc. Is that close? 

If so, then this is fairly easy. The likelihood is about 99.99% that the emotional affair is still going on and he is just hiding it better in an attempt to string you along and still "have his cake and eat it too" with her. Here are my suggestions. If he is serious about "breaking it off" he will probably have to quit his current job and it's very likely you'll have to move. It sounds like either he chases her or she chases him--but if he's serious, he'll realize and accept that he has to cut ALL CONTACT, FOREVER (even 5 minutes). If he does not have the guts (read "balls" ) to discipline himself to not contact her and to reject her attempts, then he has to quit his job and move. Yes, I know the economy is terrible for that right now, but if he were laid off you two would weather that together--weather this together too. And this is the high cost of choosing to be inappropriate with someone at work--transfer to another location or lose your job. 

Unless and until he is ready to end all contact with the other person forever, and never, ever even find out "if she's okay"--then he is stringing you along and using you. Okay? Do you understand? When he is really ready and really serious, he will be willing to voluntarily never, ever speak to or hear from her again--he'll be willing to move if he has to--he'll be willing to turn to you ONLY and get all his needs met by only you and no one else...including birthday presents. 

So Dee4204 don't feel hurt. Feel strong. Don't tell him you are hurt or sad. Let him know that you will ONLY have an honest, loving, faithful partner in your life, and he can choose to be that man or you are completely capable and willing to let him go chase "birthday present girl" but the cost will be losing you. It's not a little of each--ONE or the OTHER. Choose now.


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## Dee4204 (Feb 24, 2010)

affaircare,

wow...i REALLY appreciate the feedback. and everything you say makes complete sense. when i say "let her speak her mind again" it's because he has given her the opportunity 5 times over to speak her frustration about stringing her along. this girl knew he was married with a child. My husband told her he was done with the marriage and allowed her to get attached. but once he realized he wasn't done with the marriage and told her to back off.. she keeps it going. it's always something. i told him tonihgt i was hurt and sad because i feel like he has not validated any of my feelings throughout this whole crisis. The truth is, everytime i tried telling him how i felt.. he would get so angry because it brings up his mistakes. but it's not fair to me. 
After some debate about him HAVING to leave the job, he finally decided today that he does have to leave. he cannot be there any longer. So in addition to changing his number, he is now transferring to a different location. But he will need to spend the next 2 weeks at the job with her. As far as the present goes, it was a $100 gift card and he sees no sentiment behind it. which is why he was able to accept the gift so easily. it's REALLY hard for him to see how it's a slap in the face for me. there is no way for me to explain it for him to better understand. 
My problem is, i went into self preservation mode and was doing fine without him for the 5 days he stayed with his parents. he requested to come home because he "missed me" too much. because i am weak, i let him back. i let my guard down... and i allowed myself to get hurt again today. i am tired of being a yoyo. He admitted to still caring for her and having feelings.. not being in love.. but he "cares a great deal" i just can't grasp the concept of practically begging to come home because you miss me so damn much.. but still have these feelings for someone else... is he really ever going to be able to get over her?? i am completely at a loss.. i dont know what to think or say anymore. 

again.... i can't tell you how much i appreciate you taking the time to respond..


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