# What is causing my low sex drive?



## katiej (Aug 31, 2015)

My problem started about two months ago. Three months ago my husband got back from a month long business trip, during which I had mirena (an IUD) inserted. That first month he was back I had a very high sex drive. I had my first period, however, and it lasted longer than usual as I was spotting for another month after that. During this time we did not have sex. 

Since then I have just had a lower sex drive. It has started to feel like sex is a chore and I only have sex because otherwise my husband will tell me something along the lines of we haven't had sex in forever and it is an important factor in a relationship. I honestly don't know if the loss of drive is a result of the mirena, the fact I am severely stressed out, or something else completely. 

I don't really believe mirena is the cause as it supposedly has very few hormones. The stress could definitely be a possibility as I am a full time student working at a completely understaffed workplace while doing all of the housework by myself. (I literally asked my husband to do one thing last week - take the trash to the dumpster. I ended up doing it after it sat at the door for two days.) The problem I see with this is isn't sex supposed to relax you? Then wouldn't I want to have sex to relax? Is it possible it is a result of a lack of exercise and diet? Before I started classes again I was exercising five days out of a week and trying to eat a healthy diet. 

Has anyone else had any similar experiences or tips they can share? The lack of sex is creating tension between my husband and I.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

The mirena is it. It killed my wife's drive threw her into depression and we are in a bad place because of it, before it,everything was fine. She is like you,doesn't think that is it and refuses to take it out. At least you recognize an issue and want to remedy it, my wife doesn't. 


Look up some of the issues with it. It may not be it but do you want to wait 5 years to see?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

katiej said:


> My problem started about two months ago. Three months ago my husband got back from a month long business trip, during which I had mirena (an IUD) inserted. That first month he was back I had a very high sex drive. I had my first period, however, and it lasted longer than usual as I was spotting for another month after that. During this time we did not have sex.
> 
> Since then I have just had a lower sex drive. It has started to feel like sex is a chore and I only have sex because otherwise my husband will tell me something along the lines of we haven't had sex in forever and it is an important factor in a relationship. I honestly don't know if the loss of drive is a result of the mirena, the fact I am severely stressed out, or something else completely.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing its likely a combination of stress and resentment. Why are you working, going to school and handling all the housework alone? How would you say your relationship is, overall? How much time, doing fun date-like things, do you and your husband spend together?


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

All the issues you highlighted, were they going on before when you had a HD? If they were, most likely not the main issue. Did you have an issue with him before? Those stressors could be magnified because of what the main issue is.


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## katiej (Aug 31, 2015)

D1C, my health care physician strongly suggests against taking the mirena out until after 6 months as you are supposed to give your body 6 months to adjust. I did give it thought as last semester I was still doing all of the things I'm doing now, but I think the biggest difference is we were not as understaffed at work. This month we have lost more than half of our staff. 

Rowan, after typing out a completely different response I realize you may be correct that it is a combination of stress and resentment. It definitely doesn't help that the most "fun" thing we have done since getting back from vacation a while ago is watching t.v. together whenever I have time.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

katiej said:


> D1C, my health care physician strongly suggests against taking the mirena out until after 6 months as you are supposed to give your body 6 months to adjust. I did give it thought as last semester I was still doing all of the things I'm doing now, but I think the biggest difference is we were not as understaffed at work. This month we have lost more than half of our staff.
> 
> Rowan, after typing out a completely different response I realize you may be correct that it is a combination of stress and resentment. It definitely doesn't help that the most "fun" thing we have done since getting back from vacation a while ago is watching t.v. together whenever I have time.


Could be resentment have you had a talk with him? Tell him what your needs are? If he refuses to meet them, he's not holding his end of the bargain.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mirena killed my libido completely. And gave me back pain. It works great for most of my friends, but did not for me. Once I took it out, libido came back within few weeks and back pain eased up.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Mirena killed my libido completely. And gave me back pain. It works great for most of my friends, but did not for me. Once I took it out, libido came back within few weeks and back pain eased up.


Same happened to my wife, only difference is you did something about it


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

A lazy man that can't do his share around the house would kill my libido.

Maybe tell him you will have the mirena taken out when he gets off his lazy arse and helps around your shared home.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Don't know about Mirena, but I can tell you what caused the low sex drive in my marriage:

* Just the fact that your partner is accessible.
* Children -- a big offputting development.
* Time -- after 2-3 years, your partner will find an excuse, any excuse, to say no.

Also issues of anger and maybe depression. 

I'm talking as the male in the relationship, who has had to initiate 99.99% of the times, has never been asked into sex, has been refused many times, and at the most get luke-warm sex from a partner who started out many times more hornier than me (and wanted it daily, sometimes more than once at the start of our relationship).

It really hurts....



katiej said:


> My problem started about two months ago. Three months ago my husband got back from a month long business trip, during which I had mirena (an IUD) inserted. That first month he was back I had a very high sex drive. I had my first period, however, and it lasted longer than usual as I was spotting for another month after that. During this time we did not have sex.
> 
> Since then I have just had a lower sex drive. It has started to feel like sex is a chore and I only have sex because otherwise my husband will tell me something along the lines of we haven't had sex in forever and it is an important factor in a relationship. I honestly don't know if the loss of drive is a result of the mirena, the fact I am severely stressed out, or something else completely.
> 
> ...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Not sure your analysis is right, because I do everything possible to help in the relationship and never get the sex either! 

Resentment can came in different shapes and due to diverse reasons. In our case it's because (i) she spent too much time with the kids -- her choice, she spoils them and (ii) she feels it ruins her career, while I spent 14 hours or more working on the job and then more at the home...

Do women in a long term relationship need a good reason for resentment? We guys don't have anyone else to blame  



Holland said:


> A lazy man that can't do his share around the house would kill my libido.
> 
> Maybe tell him you will have the mirena taken out when he gets off his lazy arse and helps around your shared home.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@brownmale,

Sex has become a battle ground in your home. You are going to need help in removing your marriage from this battle. 

Find a good marriage counselor.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy

Learn about covert contracts, responsive desire, and learn better communication skills. Doing all of this may work for you, but only if your wife wants the marriage to work out.

Lastly, remember this acronym NAWALT. Not All Women Are Like That. When you assume your problems are because... women... you've kind of demonstrated your lack of buy in on learning new strategies to relate to others.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Katie sorry ur having a problem. It sounds like it could be a combination of all of them. Yes sex is supposed to relax u but if there are any problems in bed the anxiety can be multiplied. Your husband could and should do more to help and ease ur load. Good communication can go a long way to help things and add to any problems. Good luck


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Talk to your doctor and tell her everything you've been feeling, and not feeling, since putting the Mirena in. It might not be a problem for "most" women, but why not speak to your doctor so she knows what's going on with YOU, specifically.

Since you aren't exercising, why not get a physical while you're at the doctor's, too? Maybe you're deficient in certain vitamins. If you had a heavier than normal period, maybe you need more iron in your diet. Maybe the hormones in Mirena are impacting your blood pressure. Maybe the hormones in Mirena are causing your hormones to get out of whack. Your doctor can help you figure out what's going on with your body.

You also need to deal with the other issues in your relationship - they will only get worse if you don't address them now. But first get checked out physically so that you know you aren't hurting yourself by staying on this particular IUD.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

brownmale said:


> Not sure your analysis is right, because I do everything possible to help in the relationship and never get the sex either!
> 
> Resentment can came in different shapes and due to diverse reasons. In our case it's because (i) she spent too much time with the kids -- her choice, she spoils them and (ii) she feels it ruins her career, while I spent 14 hours or more working on the job and then more at the home...
> 
> Do women in a long term relationship need a good reason for resentment? We guys don't have anyone else to blame


My reply was directly to the OP who's husband is not helping around the house. How did that turn into it being about you and blaming all men? Maybe your attitude goes some of the way towards your problems in your marriage. This isn't men v's women, each relationship is individual but you do seem to cloud many posts with an all women are the same type of attitude. Do you take any responsibility for where your life is at?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Sounds like D) - All of the above

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say. A month without your husband creates that desire. He comes back, and you had that desire, then 'poof' it's gone. Why? Because you guys are back into that grind again.

As for the new contraceptive method, that likely plays a part in it as well. Anything your Dr. is telling you to give 6 months because "your body needs to adjust" will have side effects to and is doing something to your body...

Quick story - my ex wife once went on anti-depressants (forget which one, but they were common). Her sex drive went through the roof, even though it was well-known that it was supposed to be a libido killer. She was on them for a month, if that, before going off, as there were other side effects she did not like, and her sex drive went back to normal. But for that period of time, she was coming to me at least once a day, and masturbating a lot, too.

My point is that things like that will have different effects on different people. Even if the majority of people who took whatever anti-depressant she was on lost their libido almost completely, it had the opposite effect on her.

I'd talk to your doctor first and foremost.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Holland said:


> My reply was directly to the OP who's husband is not helping around the house. How did that turn into it being about you and blaming all men? Maybe your attitude goes some of the way towards your problems in your marriage. This isn't men v's women, each relationship is individual but you do seem to cloud many posts with an all women are the same type of attitude. Do you take any responsibility for where your life is at?


I'm not blaming anyone. Marriages, specially long-term ones, have certain limitations, and this is one of them....


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