# Guess where I get to go...... I'm so lucky....



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Saturday. I get to go to the wedding of my wife's ex's granddaughter. His whole family will be there..... you know, the one who she would have married if he weren't a pot-head deadbeat.

Wife is so excited...... she said "we are finally going out together"..... I wanted to say, " yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a ****ing good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "

I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend. Besides that, I have my appliance function to fulfill.....


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cold water enemas don't work...  Good luck with the wedding...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't understand why you would be going. I don't understand why she is going.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TJW said:


> Saturday. I get to go to the wedding of my wife's ex's granddaughter. His whole family will be there..... you know, the one who she would have married if he weren't a pot-head deadbeat.
> 
> Wife is so excited...... she said "we are finally going out together"..... I wanted to say, " yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a phucking good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "
> 
> I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend. Besides that, I have my appliance function to fulfill.....


Why would you be going? Better yet, why is your W going? If you are stuck going, be the best you that you can be. Direct the conversation away from the ex. There is so much more to talk about in life other than the ex. You are already sinking the ship before it sails!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> Saturday. I get to go to the wedding of my wife's ex's granddaughter. His whole family will be there..... you know, the one who she would have married if he weren't a pot-head deadbeat.
> 
> Wife is so excited...... she said "we are finally going out together"..... I wanted to say, " yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a phucking good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "
> 
> I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend. Besides that, I have my appliance function to fulfill.....


I wouldn't be going and neither would my wife if she wanted to stay married.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Why the hell are you even going?!?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Why the hell are you even going?!?


I really don't know the answer to that. One "side" of me knows that she had a long relationship to her ex and was close to her family. I feel very bad for her, she and our daughter were very close, and she hardly sees our daughter's child anymore, they moved away after daughter's death...... the other side of me wants to stay the hell home and let her go if she wants....

I know she would be really upset if I stayed home.... this is what I can't figure out.....what's in this for her......why does she want me there ?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TJW said:


> I really don't know the answer to that. One "side" of me knows that she had a long relationship to her ex and was close to her family. I feel very bad for her, she and our daughter were very close, and she hardly sees our daughter's child anymore, they moved away after daughter's death...... the other side of me wants to stay the hell home and let her go if she wants....
> 
> I know she would be really upset if I stayed home.... this is what I can't figure out.....what's in this for her......why does she want me there ?


Well, the grand daughter feels highly enough of your W to ask her to her special day. Staying the hell home does not support your W nor the young lady getting married. Understand it is the grand daughters day. Make it that. Put on your Sunday best and smile. It will all be over in 4-5 hours.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TJW said:


> I really don't know the answer to that. One "side" of me knows that she had a long relationship to her ex and was close to her family. I feel very bad for her, she and our daughter were very close, and she hardly sees our daughter's child anymore, they moved away after daughter's death...... the other side of me wants to stay the hell home and let her go if she wants....
> 
> I know she would be really upset if I stayed home.... this is what I can't figure out.....what's in this for her......why does she want me there ?


*" yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a phucking good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "*

I am not familiar with your story but, and I am just taking this as its written, if she has actually said these things too you then it seems to me that she is disrespecting you by asking you to go or being mad if you don't go.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She wants you to go so her ex won't think she's a loser who can't get a man. 

By going, you are enabling her childish fantasy of 'what if?'. You are giving her the green light to continue dwelling on the guy because you are apparently ok with going to the wedding of the granddaughter of the love of her life. 

Stop disrespecting yourself and maybe she'll stop disrespecting you. Seriously, you're a glutton for punishment. All you have to say is "Don't know them, don't want to know them and not going.".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I wouldn't be going and neither would my wife if she wanted to stay married.


Lest we forget...

Our good friend, yes he is good, our TJW....

He is very fragile, physically.
Mentally, he is very agile, yet, realistically, for how long?

My hope, it will be longer than his wife's cruel heart beats.
No, I take that back.

I hope that she will, one day, be at someone's else mercy.
Shown someone else's disdain, and disrespect.

Yes, that.

This woman is wedded to her past, not here in the present.

I doubt this will happen, her number will be called in her next life.
In her next life doing that wondering.... Why me?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> She wants you to go so her ex won't think she's a loser who can't get a man.
> 
> By going, you are enabling her childish fantasy of 'what if?'. You are giving her the green light to continue dwelling on the guy because you are apparently ok with going to the wedding of the granddaughter of the love of her life.
> 
> Stop disrespecting yourself and maybe she'll stop disrespecting you. Seriously, you're a glutton for punishment. All you have to say is "Don't know them, don't want to know them and not going.".


And if it was a work function. I don't know them I"m not going. This is not a supportive response. I know the OP has martial problems this would do nothing to help with them. 

Now if she wants to talk about her ex the whole time, I'd put my foot down. But this is a child she with whom she was close. She was invited to see that young woman commit herself to a marriage. The focus should be on the relationship with the child and the marriage. 

If she wasn't close then sending a gift would be appropriate.

Further the wife is excited about going out with the OP. He should view this like a date and work to create a better bond with his wife. How about a special flower delivered to the house before you go. Dancing at the wedding. Telling her how beautiful she looks. Talking about the day they got married. This is an opportunity.

Why would he waste such an opportunity?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is this an outdoor wedding? Where do you live that gatherings like weddings are currently safe?

I'd a big no ****ing thank you to any wedding right now, anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> And if it was a work function. I don't know them I"m not going. This is not a supportive response. I know the OP has martial problems this would do nothing to help with them.
> 
> Now if she wants to talk about her ex the whole time, I'd put my foot down. But this is a child she with whom she was close. She was invited to see that young woman commit herself to a marriage. The focus should be on the relationship with the child and the marriage.
> 
> ...


I don't think you're aware of the OP's situation.

Regardless, my wife isn't going to be playing family with any exes families or she can bloody well stay once she gets there.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

You know, it could be a great opportunity.......to play sicky on the wedding day, make her go with herself, and that will give you enough time to clear out all of her stuff and change the door locks.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I don't think you're aware of the OP's situation.
> 
> Regardless, my wife isn't going to be playing family with any exes families or she can bloody well stay once she gets there.


While I haven't read everything. I am aware that he and his wife do not get along well. However, you either try to improve things or you divorce. He seems that he will not divorce so why not make the best of it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> While I haven't read everything. I am aware that he and his wife do not get along well. However, you either try to improve things or you divorce. He seems that he will not divorce so why not make the best of it?


Going along with use and abuse isn't healthy so I advise against going.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Going along with use and abuse isn't healthy so I advise against going.


I don't see how attending a wedding is use and abuse?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s going, as was said above by another poster, so that she doesn’t look like a complete loser. You’re going because she’ll make your life very difficult if you don’t. End of.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> She’s going, as was said above by another poster, so that she doesn’t look like a complete loser. You’re going because she’ll make your life very difficult if you don’t.


I think you may be right. I am a "showpiece" so that, at least, she is not a complete loser, she wound up with "plan B". Well, by God, all of you folks now learn what a plan B, provide-better, stupid fool looks like. Better get a good look, because I'm getting close to "end of"....the next time you see her, it will likely be with "plan C", because "plan A" is now doddering in a rest home. And @SunCMars is right about "fragile, physically".

And, you're right. I'm going because I don't want to hear about it for the next 3 years.



Anastasia6 said:


> He should view this like a date and work to create a better bond with his wife.


I view this like a total and complete waste of my time. Time that would be far better spent making money to pay off all the impatient, self-serving debts she made. Continuing the ride of the pack mule......

I know, Avis "tries harder"..... well, guess what, I'm sick of "trying harder", because I will never become "plan A", no matter what I do. This requirement for me to go to this function, is basically her way of "rubbing my nose in it". Opportunity ? For what ?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TJW said:


> Saturday. I get to go to the wedding of my wife's ex's granddaughter. His whole family will be there..... you know, the one who she would have married if he weren't a pot-head deadbeat.
> 
> Wife is so excited...... she said "we are finally going out together"..... I wanted to say, " yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a phucking good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "
> 
> I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend. Besides that, I have my appliance function to fulfill.....


And as usual we ask the same question... "Why do you stay with this woman??????"


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Openminded said:


> She’s going, as was said above by another poster, so that she doesn’t look like a complete loser. You’re going because she’ll make your life very difficult if you don’t. End of.


If I were going, I would tell her that I view my attendance as sexual rollplaying and it will not be over until the next morning. That she should view it the same as well.

At the wedding and reception, I would repeat in my mind over and over again, "smile, She married me, she is not married to that looser, tonight I am going tp "F" her brains out till she screams my name, Smile! We will be leaving soon."


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Avoid the others at the get-together.

Maintain distance.
Maintain resistance.

Blame it on the Wuhan Virus fears.

And, let no coughing enemy (another Ex friend of your wife) plant a big one on your lips.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> And if it was a work function. I don't know them I"m not going. This is not a supportive response. I know the OP has martial problems this would do nothing to help with them.
> 
> Now if she wants to talk about her ex the whole time, I'd put my foot down. But this is a child she with whom she was close. She was invited to see that young woman commit herself to a marriage. The focus should be on the relationship with the child and the marriage.
> 
> ...


Well, it isn't a work function. Can't figure out why you would even throw that in there.

The OP doesn't have *martial *problems - he has marital problems. My response is certainly more supportive then the ******** about flowers, dancing, complimenting and reminiscing about how she married plan B.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He has a perfect out with Covid and he refuses to take it. It's like he's looking for another reason to be unhappy. To add to that bag of resentments he hauls out on the regular.

TJW, if you go, make sure you keep yourself safe. You'll be a goner if the virus is around.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, it isn't a work function. Can't figure out why you would even throw that in there.
> 
> The OP doesn't have *martial *problems - he has marital problems. My response is certainly more supportive then the ****** about flowers, dancing, complimenting and reminiscing about how she married plan B.


I threw that out there because it was suggested if he didn't know these people he shouldn't go. Well at a work function of a spouse you don't know anyone but you still go to be supportive.

OP should divorce his wife but he won't. Why won't he?
If you are going to be married then be married. If you don't want to then be divorced.

I understand his wife isn't great. Then divorce. If not be married.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend.


Well of course you are. But that's the price you have to pay for choosing to be a victim and sustaining that role. Life doesn't just happen for victims, it happens TO them. Blame your wife, blame the cosmos, or just scratch your head and act perplexed when asked why you stay. It boils down to allowing yourself not to take responsibility for your poor choices. Oh, and add a heaping spoonful of self-loathing to the mix.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry, TJW.

ETA: You are high risk. So am I. And I worry for those who are. I was very fortunate to only get a mild case of the virus. Others I know haven’t been so lucky. Please take care of your health above anything else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Is this an outdoor wedding? Where do you live that gatherings like weddings are currently safe?
> 
> I'd a big no ****ing thank you to any wedding right now, anyway.


Thats true, weddings here in the uk can only have 30 people max, and they must all socially distance.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why is there even a group gathering like this during covid, and isn't covid reason enough to not go? 
Tell her, is it really worth us getting covid for you to show me off to your ex?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

TJW said:


> Saturday. I get to go to the wedding of my wife's ex's granddaughter. His whole family will be there..... you know, the one who she would have married if he weren't a pot-head deadbeat.
> 
> Wife is so excited...... she said "we are finally going out together"..... I wanted to say, " yes, but where ? And what am I going to do other than stand in a corner and try to be as inconspicuous as possible..... while you talk about all the ways in which your ex was this, that, the other thing, and if you had such a phucking good life with him, why the hell don't you find the door and go back there ? "
> 
> I would rather take a damned cold-water enema. I am going to feel like crap for the entire weekend. Besides that, I have my appliance function to fulfill.....


Maybe you should tell her ahead of time that you don't want to hear anything related to him, that's what I would do. Also, head over to the bar with her and have some drinks, dance the night away... maybe you'll actually have some fun.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"wife's ex's granddaughter. "
So I'm not clear here -- the girl getting married -- is she your WIFE'S granddaughter, or just HER ex's GD?
Since you have physical issues, I'd plead "the Covid" and stay home. As for her *****ing, can't you just tell her to STFU?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> "wife's ex's granddaughter. "
> So I'm not clear here -- the girl getting married -- is she your WIFE'S granddaughter, or just HER ex's GD?
> Since you have physical issues, I'd plead "the Covid" and stay home. As for her *****ing, can't you just tell her to STFU?


The girl getting married is the granddaughter of TJW's wife's ex-boyfriend. He is not even the father of her children. TJW is not her first husband. She is not TJW's first wife. Clear as mud, eh?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> And as usual we ask the same question... "Why do you stay with this woman??????"


Please, Blues, is it necessary to state the obvious? I would love to say it, but you know I would get banned.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let me remind those who have not followed his story.

I must say this because the truth can be easier said by a stranger, one no stranger to the truth.

If you have followed TJW's posts you must know that he has beaten the odds on staying alive.

That is no small accomplishment.

Modern medicine, plus his stubborn will to survive keeps him from 'biting the dust'.

The man is a ticking time bomb, health wise.

My BFF, @Prodigal beat him up for being the victim and bitter in life. _I agree,_ he is.

For practical reasons he does NOT need to increase the stress that he is already experiencing.

Without explaining the workings of Astrology, this is NOT a good thing.

As in, making _late life_ moves when you are at serious risk from adverse aspects, and to top it off, you are fragile.

All this, to prove a point, saying, "I am not going to take your crap anymore!"
Goodbye, Wench!

He leaves a home where he is safe to one that is more risky.
He will very likely be all alone.

Who will keep and eye out for him?

He will likely be alone, and bitter, rather than having company, while bitter!

Stop being bitter.
Umm.

I repeat, leaving and moving is too damn risky. I see it as _precipitating_ that over-hanging Fate to act sooner.

_By your own hands, and actions_, you seal your fate, a bad ending, arriving sooner then necessary.


This will go over most peoples heads.
Ah, that is because they are too darn _short_.......sighted. 



_King Brian- _I am a very short being, luckily, my sight makes up for it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> He will likely be alone, and bitter, rather than having company, while bitter!


There is a myriad of other reasons. Once in a while, I like to "check the thinking".... to see if I have developed psychosis......

I am pleased to hear that I have not lost touch with reality.

Other reasons:

1) I made a promise. Others might say that I'm an idiot, well, I am accustomed to that, but I believe my promise is sacred.
2) The Apostle Paul wrote in the Book that I am to be a sacrificial husband, and that I am "bought with a price". I believe the Book. I try to live by it.
3) I have no biblical grounds for a divorce.

On the myriad's practical side:

3) In addition to being bitter, and living alone, I would also be broke. I'm the only one with a J-O-B......
4) Despite the fact that W says "your job is killing you"..... I have two responses....a) "I wish it would hurry up"...and b) "....I am RESPECTED at my job, I need it from somewhere.....".



SunCMars said:


> All this, to prove a point


Yes, and the point would remain unproven to W.... she would just declare me "unchristian" and go find a cowboy.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)




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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "wife's ex's granddaughter. "
> So I'm not clear here -- the girl getting married -- is she your WIFE'S granddaughter, or just HER ex's GD?
> Since you have physical issues, I'd plead "the Covid" and stay home. As for her *****ing, can't you just tell her to STFU?





Blondilocks said:


> The girl getting married is the granddaughter of TJW's wife's ex-boyfriend. He is not even the father of her children. TJW is not her first husband. She is not TJW's first wife. Clear as mud, eh?


was tjw wife a stepmom to ex's kids?
was she a stepgrandma to the child getting married?

did she fill the role as a grandma to this child growing up?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> was tjw wife a stepmom to ex's kids?


Interesting question..... it's another of those "perspectives"..... W would say yes, because W is extroverted and never met a stranger. I would say no, because they lived with bio-mom. To me, everyone is a stranger.

W can have 2 hours of contact and become the persons "sister", "mom", "grandmom"..... I can hardly muster interest in anyone who is not her child or my child. 
I mean, the ones who grew up with me as their dad, and lived with me...... and the ones who grew up with her, living with her.

She can have 5-hour conversations. I struggle to remain in one 5 minutes.

The questions about the descendants would get the same answers, from her, and from me


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> There is a myriad of other reasons. Once in a while, I like to "check the thinking".... to see if I have developed psychosis......
> 
> I am pleased to hear that I have not lost touch with reality.
> 
> ...


My husband feels like you, he wasnt very happy with his first wife, but he had made a promise to her for better or worse. He was also a dad and took his responsibilites seriously. He would never have divorced her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> He would never have divorced her.


Neither will I ever divorce, unless there's adultery. I didn't even divorce for multiple adulteries, the first time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Oh, and add a heaping spoonful of self-loathing to the mix.


I have been told that faith in God would help me to overcome it. So far, it only reveals more of my shortcomings.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> Neither will I ever divorce, unless there's adultery. I didn't even divorce for multiple adulteries, the first time.





TJW said:


> Neither will I ever divorce, unless there's adultery. I didn't even divorce for multiple adulteries, the first time.


Biblically the reasons for divorce as I see it are for sexual immorality(much more than just adultery) or abandonment. Like you I wouldn't end a marriage unless it was for something very serious.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Biblical marriage.....

That is the crux of it but a biblical marriage is not taking place here.

Denying your spouse sexually is only one of many biblical rules being broken here.

Head of household is another rule being trod upon.

If you are putting your trust in God, stand.

She certainly doesn't give a fig about God's word but if you do, trust Him and start standing on His word.

Husbands are not to be doormats or punching bags for unruly wives.

My oldest son had your attitude about being some kind of martyr, waiting for his shrew to actually commit adultery so he could work up the gumption to divorce her.

So the beatings continued until he finally ran away.

He clung to the same concept of honoring God and vows but didn't actually live up to them.

Simply not divorcing is not honoring God or obeying Him in marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Biblical marriage.....
> 
> That is the crux of it but a biblical marriage is not taking place here.
> 
> ...


The thing is that becase we are all imperfect none of us will have a perfect marriage. 
However, violence is a very good reason to leave the abuser. Yes denying our spouse sexually is wrong, not sure its grounds for divorce though, but it needs sorting out with advise and help from counsellors and maybe a trusted pastor. God says we shouldnt withhold sex. I would say she needs to be firmly challenged by others in the church.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TJW said:


> I have been told that faith in God would help me to overcome it. So far, it only reveals more of my shortcomings.


What are the rules for marriages there TJW? Here in the uk the max no of people allowed is 30 and even then everyone must be socially distanced. We were due to go to a relatives wedding end of August but sadly it had to be canceled. It will be next summer all being well, along with another family members wedding. 
If you are high risk, you shouldnt be going. Being that she isnt family yet was still invited, I am guessing that a lot of people will be there which is a bad idea at the moment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that becase we are all imperfect none of us will have a perfect marriage.
> However, violence is a very good reason to leave the abuser. Yes denying our spouse sexually is wrong, not sure its grounds for divorce though, but it needs sorting out with advise and help from counsellors and maybe a trusted pastor. God says we shouldnt withhold sex. I would say she needs to be firmly challenged by others in the church.


I'm not advocating for divorce with my post. I'm advocating for him to start standing as a biblical husband and that is a far cry from being a doormat or punching bag.

Not being divorced does not equal obeying God in marriage.

A lot of work isn't being done on that front by OP.

The wife here is ridiculous to even claim to be Christian while actively disobeying God in so many ways for so long without even a twinge of conviction.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> To me, everyone is a stranger.


I get it, but you must admit, no one is stranger than us!


_The HeadMates-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> Interesting question..... it's another of those "perspectives"..... W would say yes, because W is extroverted and never met a stranger. I would say no, because they lived with bio-mom. To me, everyone is a stranger.
> 
> W can have 2 hours of contact and become the persons "sister", "mom", "grandmom"..... I can hardly muster interest in anyone who is not her child or my child.
> I mean, the ones who grew up with me as their dad, and lived with me...... and the ones who grew up with her, living with her.
> ...


It is good that she is outgoing and 'friendly'. 
It is .

The major problem is that your wife seems to have no filter. She is a ham actress on the stage of life.
Am I wrong?

Is she a surface dweller, unable to swim the depths?

Was her jaw and tongue given the bulk of the energy allotted, at the expense of introspection and maturing growth?
Many in life suffer this condition.

And, that she has no interest in person to person etiquette?

She has no obvious (and lasting) interest in your feelings and sensitivities. 
She ignores them.

You are her husband, you should be the one she respects the most and protects from the proverbial nicks, cuts, and slights.
And she does a poor job at these wifely duties.

I would cease letting her shortcomings affect you. 

*You two are not compatible and never will be.
This is the problem in a nutshell. 
Stop trying to make it more than this.*

Ride this out. It is what it is.

If venting helps, then keep venting.
Let the venting do its job. 
Psss, done!

Seriously.

Hang in_ there._
This _there_ is better than that _there_, that forever six-foot under _'there'_.


Blessed are those, that yet, happily breathe fresh air, not stale smoke, not the mold filled air found in your coffin.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I still think, with your physical issues and being at high risk, I would tell her for THOSE REASONS you are not going to attend. If she really yells, THEn tell her to get lost and stop nagging.
Your health, such as it is, should take precedence for YOU at least, even if SHE doesn't respect that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Saved by the COVID-19......her choice......



SunCMars said:


> Was her jaw and tongue given the bulk of the energy allotted, at the expense of introspection and maturing growth?
> Many in life suffer this condition.



And, many spouses suffer along with them. Her father attempted suicide. He let everything her mother said go inside.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> Saved by the COVID-19......her choice......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh, such the truth.

Life outside the walls is difficult.
When it becomes equally difficult inside one's castle, the walls in your mind, at some stress point, collapse.

Those closest to you are the heaviest, their disparaging words weigh on you the most.

_The Typist-_
.......................................................................

I have no such problem with my lady subjects.

I chase after them with a slender and swift, a freshly cut Yew stick.

They soon learn not to insult the king in his castle.

_King Brian-_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are really going to stay in that marriage for the sake of .... of what actually?...
Life is too precious and too short for wasting it like this


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> for the sake of .... of what actually?...


Well, the other two were worse..... I'm not the kind of guy who evokes sexual response in women, so I have a very low likelihood of having a better marriage. I'm 68 years old with heart disease, my next stroke will be #3, my next heart attack will be #5. I'm cursed with being a "good provider", so any future marriages will be all sacrifice and no reward, just like this one.

and, "...it's cheaper to keep her...."....


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

TJW said:


> Well, the other two were worse..... I'm not the kind of guy who evokes sexual response in women, so I have a very low likelihood of having a better marriage. I'm 68 years old with heart disease, my next stroke will be #3, my next heart attack will be #5. I'm cursed with being a "good provider", so any future marriages will be all sacrifice and no reward, just like this one.
> 
> and, "...it's cheaper to keep her...."....


Why sacrifice at all? Why not just live for you?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Have you concerns about Covid-19?

Have you talked with her about why she wants to go? What your concerns are about going, be they health-related or related to what your and her ex’s “role” will be, from her, your, and other’s perspective?

You may feel you have little choice in whether you go or not. And certainly life sometimes presents us with only a choice between eating one **** sandwhich or another. But I humbly suggest no matter whether you go or don’t go, you have choices about how you do it — on what terms; expressing yourself before hand or passive staying silent; letting her know or not ahead of time what aspects of this weigh on you and what she can do mitigate if she gives a damn; getting straight in your head and hers beforehand what your limits are on behavior there of her and others and your tolerance level for events/risks that occur during attendance, and how that will be handled.

It would be mistake for your going to be a covert contract, or for you to go feeling as if you have no choices left to make that would be an act of self-respect.

If you can’t find terms on which you’re willing to go and put them on the table for her to see, then make clear you are not going, stay home, and accept and respect that though there may be consequences, you had agency and you chose to use it.

Would God want any less from you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You realize the stress of all that is very likely shortening your life? Or are you okay with that — it’s an escape (of sorts) after all?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> I have been told that faith in God would help me to overcome it. So far, it only reveals more of my shortcomings.


Never heard of that type of "faith." Sounds like that's your problem, and doesn't have anything to do with faith. Know the truth, and the truth will set you FREE.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You wife will likely never make much money if she's not been working, but she can get a job, so if you decide to leave, let her worry about that. 

As for The Bible, 2000 years ago, Paul's wife wouldn't have taken him to any reunion with old boyfriends and if she did, he'd likely have been applauded for stoning her, so I'd be a tad careful how literal you take The Bible and just be aware it's got a lot of stuff in there you are probably more moral than it is, at least. Wives were no doubt miserable back then. Of course, we'll never know because they didn't get a chapter.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@DownByTheRiver - Paul never married, although he advised fellow Christians that it was "better to marry than burn."


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So Paul wasn't even married. So that makes it pretty easy for him to tell others to be a "sacrificial husband."


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So Paul wasn't even married. So that makes it pretty easy for him to tell others to be a "sacrificial husband."


Its actually thought that due to his previous position in the jewish faith Paul was married at one time. He was perhaps widowed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If I was a 68 year old man who had had 2 strokes and 4 heart attacks there is NO WAY that I would be going anywhere where there was going to be a large gathering of people. I mean its not even a family member let alone a close family member. I have no idea why your wife in anyway thinks this is a good idea. You only have to have one person with covid 19 there and loads of others will get it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> If I was a 68 year old man who had had 2 strokes and 4 heart attacks there is NO WAY that I would be going anywhere where there was going to be a large gathering of people. I mean its not even a family member let alone a close family member. I have no idea why your wife in anyway thinks this is a good idea. You only have to have one person with covid 19 there and loads of others will get it.


According to post #52 (posted 11 hours ago) he is saved because of Covid - his wife's choice.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> According to post #52 (posted 11 hours ago) he is saved because of Covid - his wife's choice.


Good. I wasn't sure I read that correctly. I literally breathed a sigh of relief when I read your post confirming my hope.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> According to post #52 (posted 11 hours ago) he is saved because of Covid - his wife's choice.


Thankfully. Because he very likely would have gone if she hadn’t.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> I have been told that faith in God would help me to overcome it. So far, it only reveals more of my shortcomings.


Ah, I see. So you aren't actually embracing the life Jesus died for you to have. You are merely listening to the enemy whisper lies in your ear. And you're falling for it, lock/stock/and barrel. I suggest you have some serious conversations with a mature Christian. You need a renewing of your mind. Seriously.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You are merely listening to the enemy whisper lies in your ear.


What lies ? I'm only facing the truth. Jesus did not say that any truth would set us free, he said "THIS truth" will.....



Prodigal said:


> "better to marry than burn."


A man like me will marry in the hope of relief from burning, but will endure the hardships imposed by marriage while burning anyway..... it's not a lie.....it is the truth, proven over 68 years of observation, 3 wives, and one SO.... 

the hope I have is for the New Jerusalem....in which there IS NO MARRIAGE, and God has promised to "wipe away the tears from our eyes". The only way in which both of these things will be true, is that the propensity to "burn" will be taken away.....

I wish He would hurry.....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

@TJW, your posts always make me so sad.

As an aside, a week or so ago, I joined two estrangement groups on facebook, but I only lasted a couple days before I deleted them both. Every post was filled with self-righteousness and bitterness and anger - and that’s not the person I want to be.

I know you suffer, but please don’t let your situation eat you up. 😔


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just to get back to weddings, in the UK they have just reduced the numbers allowed to attend to 15 from 30 as from Monday. I do feel for those who have wedidngs planned and now have to agonise over who they have to contact and tell them they cant come. Personally I would probably wait till next summer.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> @TJW, your posts always make me so sad.
> 
> As an aside, a week or so ago, I joined two estrangement groups on facebook, but I only lasted a couple days before I deleted them both. Every post was filled with self-righteousness and bitterness and anger - and that’s not the person I want to be.
> 
> I know you suffer, but please don’t let your situation eat you up. 😔


When I was dating again after my divorce I could not have coped with a man who spent all the time being bitter about his ex, so I can understand why you left those groups. One of the things I loved about my husband was that he never did this even though she had cheated on him and divorced him.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TJW said:


> What lies ? I'm only facing the truth. Jesus did not say that any truth would set us free, he said "THIS truth" will.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Somehow you managed to have three marriages, although it is against teaching in your religion. You simply gave up the fight, which can be understandable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> What lies ? I'm only facing the truth. Jesus did not say that any truth would set us free, he said "THIS truth" will.....


You're twisting what I said to fit your narrative. That's okay. Your life. Your choice. But Jesus came so you could have life in abundance, not sit around waiting to die and staying miserable. And, believe me, you ARE miserable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you also outlive this wife, maybe it would be time to give up on marriage since it doesn’t appear to work well for you.


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