# Spending too much time with my spouse?



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I'm married with my wife for almost 3 years, no kids...we both work almost the same shifts....but sex has become a big concern for me, I want it all the time she doesn't...although she doesn't reject it...whatever I dont wanna bore you with all the details...basically when we come home from work...we make supper(some nights its me some her) we relax in front of the tv...watch a movie together...and after a while I try to drag her to the gym with me, usually I'm not successful, so I go to the gym, come back and it's off to sleep....wash, rinse, and repeat the same 5 days a week...during the weekends we do everything together..wether it's at home doing almost nothing, mostly just enjoying being together...me makin my trips to the gym, both cleaning the house here and there...she'll mostly take care of our four small house dogs...although I do take care of them too, they were her idea and I'm not too crazy about them....we go out almost every weekend somewhere, mostly movies, or restaurant...recently took up a dancing class, will go again soon...but overall we are pretty relaxed.....

question is...for her to be crazy for me again, would it be a better idea to just not be at home that much for me? All her friends live at least 20 hours away...so if I hang out with my friends she feels lonely, so I spend most of my free time with her...but sometimes I still think maybe I should just be away from home more, so she misses me more...whatya think? Would that restore some passion in our relationship?


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## babooshka (Feb 20, 2010)

Spending time apart could help though I don't know that it would promise her being "crazy" about you again, those kinds of wild emotions probably are less common once you've been married a while. But certainly I think its a good idea, to add some passion. It depends on what kind of person she is, but personally I don't think its ever that good to be so dependent on another person for social interaction. If her friends are so far away, why doesn't she look into finding some new friends in you area? Not dumping the old ones but finding people to talk to and spend time with who are more accessible. If she doesn't like going to the gym, what does she like doing? Maybe she should try and find groups or places that provide the kind of activities she likes doing, where she can meet others. A book club, taking a class, wall climbing, sports of some kind, swimming, singing, riding bikes, I don't know you get the idea..  Its a good idea for her to have a social group outside of the two of you. Eventually, you'll probably grow to resent all the time you're spending with her with none to yourself and your friends.

Also, there is the old adage "distance makes the heart grow fonder".  I know I can't stand my boyfriend and vice versa if we spend too much time together. You need some time apart as well, also gives you some time to miss each other.

Hope some of that helped..


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

are you starting foreplay first thing in the morning--that is, saying and doing little things that make her feel sexy and desirable and make you seem more desirable? 

Why not change up the schedule some? After work, have a quick snack and head to the gym then. Find out what she wants to do in that time--maybe sit in the hot tub, swim, salsa class, something your gym might not have? Find one that suits both your needs.

After a workout, how about a nice meal fixed together sometimes, not by one or the other. 

Turn off the tv after dinner and start doing something together--take turn with foot massages, reading to one another, whatever. The time in front of the tv is not very high quality. Check the news and ask her opinion on something that catches your eye. Probe for deeper meaning--the values underneath your individual reactions. 

Throughout the day, build intimacy--which is about remembering what's important to her and sharing what is important to you (and what makes you feel vulnerable). If you can send a quick email to that effect every day or two, it's really nice.

But yes, you probably both need/want "alone time." Ask her why she is lonely when alone-not everyone is! What would she like to do on her own--make new friends, see a chick flick, browse the library/bookstore? Then start building some apart time in to the schedule--not a lot, a few hours every couple of weeks, to find what feels right for each of you. Encourage her to try new things until she finds something she feels passionate about.

In the meantime, she's not rejecting you--so spice up what you have. "Surprises" here might or might not be welcome, so maybe ask her to share a fantasy or a "musing," something she has wondered if she might enjoy--then make it happen. 

Rebuilding that connection takes time--if you are clumsy about it, she will think you just want more sex w/o caring how she feels. So you are making changes in your behavior to her, slowly (coming up from behind to give her a quick kiss on the neck, then maybe a few times later turning it into a short shoulder massage, then down the road, letting your hands drift to her fanny briefly, and walking away--little sometimes sweet, sometimes romantic, occasionally sexual touches but in slow progression, over time-she'll notice the change over time and it will make her feel sexy as long as it just coming up and grabbing her a$$ each and every time. . .)

Just NOT spending time together won't be very effective to build anything between you--except maybe resentment. work on improving the quality of the time you share AND some time apart. Baby steps, with her sexual desire for you being rebuilt in the process, as a result of increasing intimacy and attentiveness from you. Good luck.


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