# sorry, this is a long post but I need help :(



## c0nfus3d (Jul 14, 2009)

My husband and I have so many issues, I don't even know where to start. Separately, we each have our own problems; I am extremely depressed and tend to have issues with anxiety. He has struggles with anger and aggression along with memory problems. I feel like the way we fight only exacerbates my depression and I'm not sure if our marriage is the best thing for me anymore.

Stupid thing is, I married him knowing we had all of these problems. I loved him and I still do. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. Since I am so depressed, I see a number of professionals on a regular basis. Three of these professionals have either called or talked to me in person about their concerns with how my husband treats me. They say that he is emotionally and verbally abusive. Of course, my husband disagrees. My biggest problem is that I always have to justify myself to him. If I have an opinion, idea, or feeling that differs his, he sees it as some sort of attack on him and starts to attack me. He also doesn't understand why I can't just snap out of being depressed as so many other people have it far worse than me. Often, our arguments lead to him screaming at me and me running around the house to try to get away from him. They have also ended with me self-injuring although most recently, I'll cry and then find a place in my house to hide. My husband struggles with giving me a break during our "discussions" and wants to fix things right then and there. He also doesn't understand how I wanted to marry him when things were much worse (i.e. our fights leading to him breaking things, me self-injuring) and now that things are better (him talking aggressively until I run and hide) I'm doubtful. 

We've only been married for 2 years but we have been dealing with problems for 5-6. I'm pretty sure I can't go on doing this yet I feel so guilty doubting our relationship... I just don't know what to do. He's come with me to some of my individual sessions and we've even gone to couples sessions together... he just has a difficult time following through with what's discussed. I feel like I've made a decision, a promise and that I should do what it takes to stick it through. I'm used to putting other people's happiness in front of my own. There is just a small part of me that isn't so sure if this is what I should keep doing....

I'm sorry this post is so long, any advice would be appreciated.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

c0nfus3d said:


> Three of these professionals have either called or talked to me in person about their concerns with how my husband treats me. They say that he is emotionally and verbally abusive.


If 3 professionals are concerned, you should be too.


c0nfus3d said:


> Of course, my husband disagrees.


Of course he does.

Bottom line is you need to work on healing yourself and even with several professionals involved, I don't see how you will begin to feel good while living with an abusive husband. Or at best, it will be temporary until he flares up again.

I think you should separate from him for a while, if you have somewhere to go, and work on your issues on your own. That will give you some clarity on what to do as far as your marriage is concerned. While you are in the thick of it with him, this will be hard to do.


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## dixie (Jul 7, 2009)

It seems that you are very much dedicated to your recovery-going to counseling and the like. I know you knew of his problems when you married him but there may be a time to say that though you love him, and though you don't "blame" him for having those problems,(we all have problems) that his problems don't mesh with yours. His problems of anger and aggression just exacerbate your depression.
He has these fights with you and you end up hiding from him. While this may be progress, (better than him breaking things), this is not a therapeutic environment. 
Even if it does "take two to tango", it does not sound like a good mix for your recovery right now. Not his fault, not your fault, just maybe not what you need right now. Maybe the love is just not enough to carry you right now. Maybe when you are stronger you will be able to handle his "problems" better.
I know there is no right answer and that it is so hard when you love someone and it is not working.
take care,
-D


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

Depression is a very real and very sad issue, but gold star to you for going for help. Your husband obviously has anger issues and these issues I would imagine are not to do with you. Its about time he took a leaf from your book and sought help for his own problems. Its not right that while you are doing everything to help yourself with your problems he sits back and not only doesnt try to help himself he also hinders your healing by being abusive to you. Honestly I feel that if you are going to conquer your depression you need to do it away from him, once you are healed maybe then you can go back to trying to sort through this with him, but I wouldnt even go back unless he is prepared to find help for himself


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

maybe your h would be willing to work on boundaries together? my h and i also had horrible fights in the beginning of our relationship but we have not had any in awhile. i had a counselor point out boundaries to me and after doing a lot of reading on the subject my understanding about what provokes the fights changed drastically. i started working on boundaries on my own because my h wouldnt do them with me, but gradually he started working on them with me and he opened up to me a lot. there's also some books and internet resources out there on codependency which you may find helpful.


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## prettyinpink05 (Nov 1, 2008)

I am so sorry that your going through the pain and that your husband is not being your rock.............


But what I have learn in the pass day's that I have been hurting is to...LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH......yes that is the hardest thing in the world to do when your going through something and in sooooo much pain...keep your head up and keep getting professional help and pray.


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