# Coping...



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I am still having thoughts about the OW all the time and thier relationship. Things come into rememberance and blam....I think that why such and such.. We are talking every day, being that I work out of town for me it's easier to talk as I don't have to be in the same room. I do tell him how I feel I don't hold back, I don't yell and scream either. I don't try to make him feel bad purposefully, he feels bad all by himself. I have check out all that he has told me he was doing and all checks out so far. The RV, the preacher councelling us, his going to IC. 
I do feel that I am the back up plan though, and have discussed this with him. He tells me that I should be glad the OW wouldn't leave her boyfriiend. I think to myself "should I"? This still doesn't take away from the facts. 
I am having difficulty with the facts, he would have left, why is he staying, he's unemployed, etc. I asked him why he is drawn to me and he tells me because I love him. That's fine and great but I asked him what else. And he only gave the same answer comparing me with why one is drawn to Yahushua/Jesus. Well Yahushua/Jesus loved us first, and I do know this but part of me needs to hear more.
I find myself comparing myself to the OW, I am a pretty woman but I have self esteem issues like every woman out there and now they are compounded 10 fold. I am thin but that doesn't make me perfect, I have had 3 children (being thin your skin doesn't stretch very well), I have some spider veins, I have cellulite, I have I have......(ahhhh). He tells me that he doesn't compare us and won't but I do...(ahhh again). I know that it's what's inside that makes a person attractive, but society shoves beauty and perfection down our throats and when the spouce has an affair with porn or another W...well that really doesn't help us woman see the beauty in ourselves. 
He tells me no one from his past can hold a candle to me...but again this is because I have loved him for 7 years while he watched porn, disconnected and finally had an affair. Part of me wants to believe him and part of me is soooooo leary. What a struggle.
My coucelor who I saw once put me on anti depressant but I am stopping it because I don't feel right physically. I have been through hell basically and didn't need one and don't need one I can cope with my Father in Heavens help, not drugs. 
I did send a letter to the OW's pastor as well as the NC letter to be given to her by the pastor. I toned it down and wrote about my feelings and her deciet. 
Funny thing happened the other day....I was on FB and went onto my husbands page, started looking at his friends and found one of her family memebers. So of course I go to his page and his friends and boom....there she is...so of course I go to her page...then I think I wonder if she's been on mine...Being that I work out of town I can look at her and get angry and get over my feelings of wanting to rip her head off before I get home. I live in a very small town and am bound to run into her...my freedom is worth more than the satisfaction on knocking her out.....so every day I am going to her page so when I get home I will have the grace to deal.....


----------



## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

O no! I think it is the worst when you can't tell if our S really wants to make it work, or if he just wants things to stay the same, him (or her) cheating, you being oblivious. It sounds to me like he is of the later group. If he doesn't know why he is with you and is willing to leave you, you should probably leave him. It took me a while to figure that one out. And then with the 180 he did the NC thing and won me back and we R. But be wary--our R started off real, but has deteriorated and now I've found this forum because he is cheating again (with someone else ). This forum I am finding to be a very helpful tool, for venting and getting advice, and helping me take the time to figure out what I need. I hope it helps you sort through the muddle. Being obsessed just leads to sleepless nights and stomach aches. Trust me, I know.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

He claims it's over...claims he hasn't spoken with her. He is going to church and claims that he wouldn't be able to if he were still doing it...do I beleive him? Partially.....He says he wants to stay because I love him...I did ask him what would happen if she left her boyfiend anyway now that he claims he wants to R. He said he would try and work it out with me...do I beleive him? No....should I beleive him? I don't know...I spoke with him this moning due to a blocked number that was on the cell phone (I con't to look at calls coming into/out from his cell and the house)...He claims it was a company that was talking to him about marketing and he didn't know why the # was restricted....do I believe him? I am not sure what to beleive.....Then today when I called him to ask about the number he starts asking me if I told the people (phone companies) about his cheating...I told him that he was cheating on me at the time I restricted him from having acess to any of the accounts....so what I told the people is what he has to deal with...the consequences...of his actions...well he didn't like that...but to bad...that facts are the facts and he didn't say anything. He doesn't want to be thought of in a bad light and said am I going to be telling people 5 years down the line...I told him I didn't know the future...but if we R then we would be an inspriation...he didn't seem to have anything to say....He was aksing me if I have mad a choice or not or want a divorce or not during the conversation....I told him if I didn't make a choice or wanted a divorce he wouldn't be liviing in MY HOUSE. Again what could he say...nothing of course....so do I believe him whole heatedly...no I don't and shouldn't. I did speak with a lawyer today to find out what would happen and such if I do choose down the line to end my marriage. Neither way is a good choice really....so I wait until I just can't or can R or he screws up......


----------

