# Want to divorce but worried about kids



## thingamajigger

I am in a situation that is not healthy. I am almost at the point where I have decided to divorce but I am very worried about my two kids. They are young, 3 and under, and they are my world. I do not want to be that dad who sits back after his kids leave for college and think "who is this woman next to me and why am I so unhappy" then get a divorce at that point having missed out on the opportunity for 20 years of happiness. 

My question, are there people out there who have divorced and who's kids came out ok through the whole thing? Obviously after the dust has settled from the initial change of routine. She is not a bad parent, actually rather good with the kids, just not someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with. 

Please share your success stories or not so successful stories. Actually, anything you have to tell me would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

thingamajigger said:


> I am in a situation that is not healthy. I am almost at the point where I have decided to divorce but I am very worried about my two kids. They are young, 3 and under, and they are my world. I do not want to be that dad who sits back after his kids leave for college and think "who is this woman next to me and why am I so unhappy" then get a divorce at that point having missed out on the opportunity for 20 years of happiness.
> 
> My question, are there people out there who have divorced and who's kids came out ok through the whole thing? Obviously after the dust has settled from the initial change of routine. She is not a bad parent, actually rather good with the kids, just not someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
> 
> Please share your success stories or not so successful stories. Actually, anything you have to tell me would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Thank you


Okay.... so you've been married what five years? What's so different about her now from when you were married? We all go through periods like this once the initial rainbows and unicorn lovefest wears off ( children generally bring that about ;~)


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## thingamajigger

Thank you for the question, it is always good to reflect. However, nothing has changed. I married her for a number of wrong reasons and thought we would change to become a stronger couple, there really isn't much here in this relationship. I'm one of those guys that proposed thinking that was what she really wanted and that would make the relationship better. I am disrespected at home and talked about to her friends and coworkers, we can't communicate about anything without it being all my fault, she's even gone so far as to tell me I have a problem and need to see someone for it, and we have set a new standard for what sexless means in a marriage, or at least it feels that way.

Things did change when we had our first kid, we grew a little closer, but went right back to the old ways after a few months. We grew more apart with our second child. 

I have no desire to stay here except for the kids. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't be reading this forum and posting a question for advice.


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## NDhusband61

I am going through a similar situation. I have 2 kids both under 8. I just started talking with a professional. Depending on your situation, the kids may already be affected. I know it sounds ****ty, but he said to me. "They are already scared". In my situation, there is no love and affection. We are very short with each other and the kids can sense that. They notice it for sure. I want my kids to see a man and woman in a loving, caring, relationship that shows how much they love and care about each other. Best of luck. You are not alone.


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## chattycathy

I like to give the following advice to people who are considering divorce to their spouse....

tell your wife you need to have lengthy time alone to speak with her and get a sitter for the children.

Go somewhere and tell her you are very unhappy with the marriage. That you feel it is hopeless and nothing changes it for the better and stays that way. 

She will be upset no doubt. Let her be and rearrange a time to speak more about it. To follow up on it.

Don't get nasty yourself during the 'date'. Lay it out calmly and support her horror as best as you can.

Once she hears your message, and has time to calm down or consdier it,she will be more apt to be willing to brainstorm ideas with you to fix things. Or not. In which case you will have laid it out on the table and pled your suffering for her to hear and to consider.

Its the fair, right, married way to deal with things.


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## mommy65

The best solution for the kids is to try to find a way to work through things, but sometimes that just can't be done. Especially if you got married for the wrong reasons. Does your wife know this? She might be completely in the dark. Also- your sexless marriage might be a result of hormones. I know personally after having kids your hormones change during pregnancy and can last through breastfeeding. 

If you plan to divorce your wife now or later, get it done with now. It will hurt your kids just as much later as it does now- instead they will just look back at their childhood as being a lie once they find out you stayed only for them. And if you stray from the marriage you feel trapped in, you will risk loosing your kids respect for hurting their mother. One thing is always for sure- divorce will affect your kids- no matter what age they are when you do it.


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## hurtingsodeeply

I am myself in the same situation .. Mu kids are my life.. I have separated and the kids are adjusting ok.. As long as they know they are loved that's the most important thing.. Love them unconditionally and they will be fine.. One word of advice... Allow yourself to feel what you want yo feel.. If you truly no longer love her yo stay then be honest with yourself and with her .. I let myself be manipulated into feeling what she wanted me yo feel for her satisfaction .. No one but you knows what you feel.. Stand tall and stand proud for being honest with yourself.. Empower yourself..


mommy65 said:


> The best solution for the kids is to try to find a way to work through things, but sometimes that just can't be done. Especially if you got married for the wrong reasons. Does your wife know this? She might be completely in the dark. Also- your sexless marriage might be a result of hormones. I know personally after having kids your hormones change during pregnancy and can last through breastfeeding.
> 
> If you plan to divorce your wife now or later, get it done with now. It will hurt your kids just as much later as it does now- instead they will just look back at their childhood as being a lie once they find out you stayed only for them. And if you stray from the marriage you feel trapped in, you will risk loosing your kids respect for hurting their mother. One thing is always for sure- divorce will affect your kids- no matter what age they are when you do it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mulliganplease

Hey folks...sorry to bring up an old thread, but what the OP posted is EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one out there...

I'm in the same exact boat: married for 5, two kids under 3, have never loved my wife, in fact I wanted out within the first few weeks of marriage...but just never had the heart to do it. 
I begged her to agree to get an annulment. We were still in our annulment window in the state of Georgia, it would've been easy peasy. But no. She wouldn't meet me halfway, and I just didn't have the balls to flat out walk out on her. 

And that decision to get married, which has been the worse decision of my life has and continues to create damaging ripple affects through my life. My 'light at the end of the tunnel' is the day the kids are grown up and I can leave and enjoy whatever life I have left. 

But there's just no way I could leave now...as much as I want to. My unemployed wife is content with sitting at home while I work 2 jobs, 7 days a week. She is a good mother at least. If we were to split, there's no way I'd be able to provide for her, the kids, and myself in our seperate lives on my enlisted military paycheck. As my cousin, who's in a similar situation says, 'it's cheaper to keep her'. 

Anyway...why am I even posting this...maybe to help support the advice of: if you feel like you need to get out of a marriage, do so before it's too late. Because sh*t only gets exponentially complicated down the road. 

Also, if you're in a rocky relationship and you know and she knows you want out but she wants to keep you...always, always, always wear a condom. Don't believe if your wife says she's on the pill. Because then you're trapped. and she knows it.


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## accept1

You dont tell us if she also wants out.
I would advise you to get out if your wife doesnt treat you properly. It will affect your kids more if you stay.


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## EleGirl

thingamajigger said:


> Thank you for the question, it is always good to reflect. However, nothing has changed. I married her for a number of wrong reasons and thought we would change to become a stronger couple, there really isn't much here in this relationship. I'm one of those guys that proposed thinking that was what she really wanted and that would make the relationship better. I am disrespected at home and talked about to her friends and coworkers, we can't communicate about anything without it being all my fault, she's even gone so far as to tell me I have a problem and need to see someone for it,


While you might not be the entire problem, you are 50% of the problem. Your wife is right, you need to see a counselor/therapist. But not for the reasons she thinks. We teach others how to treat up. You have taught your wife that it’s ok to treat you the way she does. Why would you do this? You need to find out why. You need to develop skills on how to her mistreatment of you. Your wife has lost respect for you because you let her treat her like this. Why would she respect if you if you do not respect yourself.

Sure she sounds awful. If she were her talking to us, I’m sure you can make you sound awful too.

Before you breakup up your family I suggest that you get into counseling and find out why you have allowed this and how to fix it. Then fix it.


thingamajigger said:


> and we have set a new standard for what sexless means in a marriage, or at least it feels that way.


A sexless marriage is considered to be one where there is sex 10 or fewer times a year. I doubt that you set any new standards. There are many where with 0 times a year, or years. To clarify further.. men chose to make their marriages sexless as often as women do.
A sexless marriage sucks. The sexlessness is a symptom of larger problems.


thingamajigger said:


> Things did change when we had our first kid, we grew a little closer, but went right back to the old ways after a few months. We grew more apart with our second child.
> 
> I have no desire to stay here except for the kids. If we didn't have kids I wouldn't be reading this forum and posting a question for advice.


 Why is it different now than when you first met her? Why did you marry her when she treats y ou like this? Why did you stay with her when she continued treating you like this? Then you had children. 

Find out why you allowed this. If you don’t, and you leave her, and you find someone new… that relationship will be just as awful.

ETA: By the way, you are also teaching your children that it's ok to mistreat you.


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## EleGirl

Mulliganplease said:


> Hey folks...sorry to bring up an old thread, but what the OP posted is EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one out there...
> 
> I'm in the same exact boat: married for 5, two kids under 3, have never loved my wife, in fact I wanted out within the first few weeks of marriage...but just never had the heart to do it.
> I begged her to agree to get an annulment. We were still in our annulment window in the state of Georgia, it would've been easy peasy. But no. She wouldn't meet me halfway, and I just didn't have the balls to flat out walk out on her.
> 
> And that decision to get married, which has been the worse decision of my life has and continues to create damaging ripple affects through my life. My 'light at the end of the tunnel' is the day the kids are grown up and I can leave and enjoy whatever life I have left.
> 
> But there's just no way I could leave now...as much as I want to. My unemployed wife is content with sitting at home while I work 2 jobs, 7 days a week. She is a good mother at least. If we were to split, there's no way I'd be able to provide for her, the kids, and myself in our seperate lives on my enlisted military paycheck. As my cousin, who's in a similar situation says, 'it's cheaper to keep her'.
> 
> Anyway...why am I even posting this...maybe to help support the advice of: if you feel like you need to get out of a marriage, do so before it's too late. Because sh*t only gets exponentially complicated down the road.
> 
> Also, if you're in a rocky relationship and you know and she knows you want out but she wants to keep you...always, always, always wear a condom. Don't believe if your wife says she's on the pill. Because then you're trapped. and she knows it.


read my response above. I did not realize that this was a zombie thread. You would be better starting your own thread.


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## EleGirl

Also.. I doubt that you could have gotten an annulment. For an annulment one of you has to be underage or there has to be fraud in the marriage. I assume there was neither. if either of these conditions were true, you did not need her to cooperate to get an annulment.

You could have divorced her. No one can stop you from getting a divorce.


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## the guy

My folks gave me a pretty sh1tty examble of married life and I past it on in my own marriage.

I say figure your crap out with your old lady and give them a good example of a healthy relationship.

If that don't work then find some one you can be happy with so they can see their self respecting father be happy.

But dude if your bailing for some other chick you will phuck your kids up. So if you do bail wait a year before you start banging another women...and hopefully she is several decades older then your oldest kid.

There is not a lot to go on here so I'm just saying don't start hooking up with some chick that went to college with your kid just so you can show your kids how happy you are!


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## the guy

Hey Mulliganplease...you got me all messed up...start your own thread..

Thats what I get for not checking the dates ....SOB!!!!


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## the guy

Now everyones is going to know I don't read their whole thread!


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## Mulliganplease

lolol, sorry folks...I'm so used to other forums where I'll ask a question or post a scenario, and then everyone and their mother jumps on me with 

"someone already brought this up, do a search first, do some research!!" yada yada


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