# Confused;does she love me?



## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

She is earning as much as I earn, even higher since she has more disposable income than myself. I take care of virtually everything in the family, including her fashion needs (shoes, panties, bras, dresses, etc) and the children. She wants to know and determine what I do with my finances, but insists I do not need to know about hers. In many occasions, she had emphatically told me that her money is her money and my money is our money. And surprisingly she has been displaying this assertion. She never says ‘sorry’ and must ague everything. What is most worrisome is that, she insists that every property I buy with my money must have her name as a joint owner. I have tried to do this and even bought some with her name alone. Interestingly, all that she buys with her money has only her name. She does not like any of my relatives coming closer to us, but can leave our home for her relatives as they please. I am worried because we have three lovely children in this 10years of marriage, and most people out there envy us thinking we are having an exemplary relationship. I love her so much that I make a lot of sacrifices to keep the union. I am confused. Please advise. Please let me know your gender in your reply to this post. Thanks


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Nothing to be confused about as her love and for you has been replaced with you being a convenience for her and her lifestyle, you have become a safe base for her to play and do her own thing with whoever she wants, you haven't mentioned it but i doubt she still makes love to you does she? you need to become more assertive and start doing things for you and let her do her own shopping and more to do with the family day to day stuff, join a gym go hunting take up a sport be the old you again she may come around but in the mean time i would be exploring who does she see as the man and if she gets her needs met there from him


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

Thanks dear. Truly, she still 'enjoys' making love to me though I always make the first move. I do not think she is physically seeing any man as she is always busy and I can claim to know her where-about at every time. She spends too much time online, which calls for lots of questions. Virtually all the properties I acquired with my income are jointly owned, yet I do not know what she does with her income. If she defies all odds and tries to quit the marriage, she will go with all that belong to her and still take a greater portion of my investments. I feel like a fool.


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

Vaneast said:


> Thanks dear. Truly, she still 'enjoys' making love to me though I always make the first move. I do not think she is physically seeing any man as she is always busy and I can claim to know her where-about at every time. She spends too much time online, which calls for lots of questions. Virtually all the properties I acquired with my income are jointly owned, yet I do not know what she does with her income. If she defies all odds and tries to quit the marriage, she will go with all that belong to her and still take a greater portion of my investments. I feel like a fool.


Depending on where you live most laws just take into consideration if you were together when the property was purchased. It doesn't matter who's name is on the title, if it was purchased when you were together, then it's half your (even if it's only got her name on it).


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> Thanks dear. Truly, she still 'enjoys' making love to me though I always make the first move. I do not think she is physically seeing any man as she is always busy and I can claim to know her where-about at every time. She spends too much time online, which calls for lots of questions. Virtually all the properties I acquired with my income are jointly owned, yet I do not know what she does with her income. If she defies all odds and tries to quit the marriage, she will go with all that belong to her and still take a greater portion of my investments. I feel like a fool.


Good glad to hear it as that means you can put things into motion and help how change how she views you and help keep things fresh/exciting long term relationships/marriages can get a little stale and with a little effort the fun can be kick started again even with kids, the online thing can easily lead to an emotional affair especially if the other guy "just gets the work stuff" as he works there or in same field dont ignore it like i did, but you've spotted things aren't to your liking and i'm sure you will turn things around to what suits you and both you as a couple better


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Vaneast said:


> She is earning as much as I earn, even higher since she has more disposable income than myself. I take care of virtually everything in the family, including her fashion needs (shoes, panties, bras, dresses, etc) and the children. She wants to know and determine what I do with my finances, but insists I do not need to know about hers. In many occasions, she had emphatically told me that her money is her money and my money is our money. And surprisingly she has been displaying this assertion. She never says ‘sorry’ and must ague everything. What is most worrisome is that, she insists that every property I buy with my money must have her name as a joint owner. I have tried to do this and even bought some with her name alone. Interestingly, all that she buys with her money has only her name. She does not like any of my relatives coming closer to us, but can leave our home for her relatives as they please. I am worried because we have three lovely children in this 10years of marriage, and most people out there envy us thinking we are having an exemplary relationship. I love her so much that I make a lot of sacrifices to keep the union. I am confused. Please advise. Please let me know your gender in your reply to this post. Thanks


I stopped at "..but insists I do not need to know about hers."

Screw that! You're in a one-sided marriage. Be a man and insist everything is equal or get out.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It seems like a control issue on her part and you're not defending yourself. After all any assets acquired during the marriage are joint property no matter which of your names are on it so I don't know why she insists on that. If she wants to know "where, when, how, who" of everything but doesn't want to provide the same back then you have two possible solutions. Either treat her as she's treating you or hold her accountable to treat you as you're treating her.

And try to see things from a big picture above her and above yourself. Look at things through a fairness filter for the relationship.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My honest opinion...it appears your marriage is run like a business. Your wife is the CEO. You are the CFO who gets to profit share with some extra benefits on the side. In marriage, everything is open, discussed and agreed up. You appear to be taking orders.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> 10years of marriage


VERY few women still love their husbands at 10 years. So no, she doesn't love you. The good news you are not alone. Your marriage is normal. Just accept it and live your life.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

When you file taxes you probably file jointly so you know the extent of her savings outside of 401k etc and can guess those as well. Keep an eye on it and find out if your state is "equitable" or "50/50" or what have you for divorce. Talking to a lawyer in your state should provide sone useful information.

As for time online, a VAR or key logger or other means should help.

If both of you make enough that the finances are not an issue then don't worry too much  but keep an eye on it.

Is your wife from the same culture?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Yeah the sex is good. It's how she's keeping you in line. If you noticed this behavior from the beginning and you let it go, then it's your fault for letting her use you for her expense account.

Time for you to set down a new set of rules or your going to find yourself living in the street.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

When I first started working in my building there was an old lady, about 70-some years old, who told me "What's mine is mine and what's his is mine!" about her husband. They were still together at that age so I guess it's possible to make it work.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

6301 said:


> Yeah the sex is good. It's how she's keeping you in line. If you noticed this behavior from the beginning and you let it go, then it's your fault for letting her use you for her expense account.
> 
> Time for you to set down a new set of rules or your going to find yourself living in the street.



This. This is how my husband kept me all these years. When the sex was phenomenal I didn't want to give that up.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm a career woman, ongoing 35 years married. We married when I was 22 years old and he at 24 years old. He made twice more than I made initially. Today, I make more than 4 times as much as he does. Everything we owned is in both our names. He pays all the bills with our joint accounts. He makes sure that I see where the funds are going to. He has been doing this task since the start of our marriage. 

We shop for groceries together, although neither of us want the task. We share household chores. We don't care who makes the most money. What we care about is that we are not in debt, have good sound investments for early retirement, have emergency funds, and that we are happy and content in our household.

We are still in love with each other and neither one has cheated. Your wife is committing financial infidelity to you. You have not realized this. In addition, she is a very arrogant and selfish person. Stand your ground and demand joint accounts and transparency on your accounts. If she refuses, face up to the problem; she does not respect you. You have grown resentful as shown in your post.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

She may still love you, but she knows you are codependent. You want to make her happy, so you give in. She is in control of the relationship and has made sure that she is secure. And she has set up a position in her mind (by making you put all your stuff in both names while keeping anything she buys in her name) to keep her security should you ever decide to leave. You need IC because your codependence feeds your insecurity in the relationship. She will not like you learning to be less codependent, it upsets the power flow in the relationship and takes away some of her security. But if you do not seek help for yourself, you will eventually break.

Spoken from experience.


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

Gonna Make It said:


> She may still love you, but she knows you are codependent. You want to make her happy, so you give in. She is in control of the relationship and has made sure that she is secure.  And she has set up a position in her mind (by making you put all your stuff in both names while keeping anything she buys in her name) to keep her security should you ever decide to leave. You need IC because your codependence feeds your insecurity in the relationship. She will not like you learning to be less codependent, it upsets the power flow in the relationship and takes away some of her security. But if you do not seek help for yourself, you will eventually break.
> 
> Spoken from experience.


T:smthumbup:


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

john117 said:


> When you file taxes you probably file jointly so you know the extent of her savings outside of 401k etc and can guess those as well. Keep an eye on it and find out if your state is "equitable" or "50/50" or what have you for divorce. Talking to a lawyer in your state should provide sone useful information.
> 
> As for time online, a VAR or key logger or other means should help.
> 
> ...


Yes; we are of same culture. Her behaviour has much to do with the environment she was raised up in. I have been under the impression that treating her fairly and nicely will make her change, value happiness and discard her selfishness. It appears now I have not succeeded. Thanks.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> She is earning as much as I earn, even higher since she has more disposable income than myself. I take care of virtually everything in the family, including her fashion needs (shoes, panties, bras, dresses, etc) and the children. She wants to know and determine what I do with my finances, but insists I do not need to know about hers. In many occasions, she had emphatically told me that her money is her money and my money is our money. And surprisingly she has been displaying this assertion. She never says ‘sorry’ and must ague everything. What is most worrisome is that, she insists that every property I buy with my money must have her name as a joint owner. I have tried to do this and even bought some with her name alone. Interestingly, all that she buys with her money has only her name. She does not like any of my relatives coming closer to us, but can leave our home for her relatives as they please. I am worried because we have three lovely children in this 10years of marriage, and most people out there envy us thinking we are having an exemplary relationship. I love her so much that I make a lot of sacrifices to keep the union. I am confused. Please advise. Please let me know your gender in your reply to this post. Thanks


This is not a healthy relationship and sounds like financial abuse. Have you spoken with her about the fact that if she is going to have a right to know about your finances that you should know about hers? I would stop allowing her access to my finances if there is not going to be any equality there. I would also insist on being joint on any major purchases like a house. I suppose she can buy a house on her own but you can choose not to live there. Since you are married I am not sure what legal rights you have concerning those things. You may automatically have rights over something like a house because of your marital status. Not sure. I would start setting boundaries and if you need help doing that you might want to do some individual therapy. You have a right to set boundaries and be an equal partner in this marriage. I would be concerned about this kids as well. Do you know how this is affecting them? I wouldn't worry about the people who think you have a perfect marriage. It's always easy to hide what is really going on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Vaneast said:


> I have been under the impression that treating her fairly and nicely will make her change, value happiness and discard her selfishness. It appears now I have not succeeded.


Unfortunately, no, you have not succeeded. We can't make people change unless they decide for themselves they want to change.

So what do you plan to do?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Behavior modification works only if the consequences are pleasant enough or severe enough. As it is she's for what she needs so the pleasant part is not an issue, the severe part is, but she thinks you won't be doing it.

Consult a lawyer to find what is the disposition of assets law in your area and see what they say. Or stop paying half the bills and when cell service or TV is disconnected.... Then have the talk.


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> This is not a healthy relationship and sounds like financial abuse. Have you spoken with her about the fact that if she is going to have a right to know about your finances that you should know about hers? I would stop allowing her access to my finances if there is not going to be any equality there. I would also insist on being joint on any major purchases like a house. I suppose she can buy a house on her own but you can choose not to live there. Since you are married I am not sure what legal rights you have concerning those things. You may automatically have rights over something like a house because of your marital status. Not sure. I would start setting boundaries and if you need help doing that you might want to do some individual therapy. You have a right to set boundaries and be an equal partner in this marriage. I would be concerned about this kids as well. Do you know how this is affecting them? I wouldn't worry about the people who think you have a perfect marriage. It's always easy to hide what is really going on.


:smthumbup:
Interestingly, we have succeeded so far in hiding the situation from the children, the eldest being 9yrs. But how long can this be since the children are growing and learning faster these days? The eldest is already asking questions about the mother's unchanging moody countenance. She is never looking happy despite having her way always, which I had thought would keep her happy so as not to go into depression. I was wrong.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Sounds like she is operating under a Dominant/submissive relationship dynamic without bothering to ask if you wanted one. You have not been assertive enough in setting boundaries. 

You're her sub. Either start enjoying it and call her Mistress (I'm only half joking there) or start writing up your lists of requirements to stay in the marriage and sit her down with them. Be prepared to walk away if she says no. She likes this setup. 

I don't suppose she has a reason to NOT trust you with money? You ARE trustworthy, correct?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> :smthumbup:
> Interestingly, we have succeeded so far in hiding the situation from the children, the eldest being 9yrs. But how long can this be since the children are growing and learning faster these days? The eldest is already asking questions about the mother's unchanging moody countenance. She is never looking happy despite having her way always, which I had thought would keep her happy so as not to go into depression. I was wrong.


I don't want my way all the time in my relationship. I want an equal relationship with an adult. Do you think that maybe she wants that too and maybe you two are not communicating well. Maybe you are trying to please her by giving her what you think she wants and that is not what she wants at all. How much communicating do you two do about finances, the household, kids, etc. A counselor suggested to my husband that we have weekly meetings to review the household and our relationship. We kind of got off track but we have started doing that again. Would that be something you guys could try? Do you really know what she wants or have you been guessing?


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

vms said:


> Sounds like she is operating under a Dominant/submissive relationship dynamic without bothering to ask if you wanted one. You have not been assertive enough in setting boundaries.
> 
> You're her sub. Either start enjoying it and call her Mistress (I'm only half joking there) or start writing up your lists of requirements to stay in the marriage and sit her down with them. Be prepared to walk away if she says no. She likes this setup.
> 
> I don't suppose she has a reason to NOT trust you with money? You ARE trustworthy, correct?



You got it right. She is very dominant and does not submit to anyone even at work, but very good at her work that even her bosses respect her with fear. She always feels uncomfortable whenever she is not in control. The whole behaviour appears to stem from her mother's sad experience under her husband. Unfortunately, she took after her father. Individually, we can each live very comfortably on our finances without needing help from the other. On average monthly salary of about $13,000.00 I can say we do not need each other's financial assistance. If only she can be happy with everything to her favour, I may not care much since I do not need her for survival. Her ever sad mood despite having everything, is a great source of concern to the whole family. She sometimes admits that she needs help and counselling, but still refuses to go for any.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Control is how she feels safe. It's of course a false sense of security, but it may be all she knows. Especially of she didn't see a good example of a healthy relationship growing up. 

Now that having all the control hasn't actually made her happy, she's hit a wall, and depression has set in. Unless she is willing to do the work to get to the bottom of what is her real fear (a fear of helplessness is most likely, I bet) and gain a hold over it, it's unlikely anything will change.


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> I don't want my way all the time in my relationship. I want an equal relationship with an adult. Do you think that maybe she wants that too and maybe you two are not communicating well. Maybe you are trying to please her by giving her what you think she wants and that is not what she wants at all. How much communicating do you two do about finances, the household, kids, etc. A counselor suggested to my husband that we have weekly meetings to review the household and our relationship. We kind of got off track but we have started doing that again. Would that be something you guys could try? Do you really know what she wants or have you been guessing?


Thanks for your response.
Any time we attempt to discuss anything that has to do with her making some financial commitment, it ends up in unhealthy arguments with no desirable result. We only reach agreement if I do not mind paying the whole bill. In my culture, it is the responsibility of the man to take care of the family with the wife supporting if she is capable. If the family fails, the man takes the blame. Some 'foolish' women capitalise on this to take undue advantage of their husbands, forgetting that the joy, success or failure of the home is theirs to share.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> Thanks for your response.
> Any time we attempt to discuss anything that has to do with her making some financial commitment, it ends up in unhealthy arguments with no desirable result. We only reach agreement if I do not mind paying the whole bill. In my culture, it is the responsibility of the man to take care of the family with the wife supporting if she is capable. If the family fails, the man takes the blame. Some 'foolish' women capitalise on this to take undue advantage of their husbands, forgetting that the joy, success or failure of the home is theirs to share.



Unfortunately, expecting men to be the main breadwinner is in a lot of cultures. I wouldn't feel comfortable living with someone who needs to be in control all the time. I probably would end the relationship. Are you comfortable with it? You have been living it and I know there are children involved. I never think divorce is the first answer. You definitely need to start setting boundries and let her know that she needs to get help. A better question - do you love her?


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## Vaneast (Jan 4, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> Unfortunately, expecting men to be the main breadwinner is in a lot of cultures. I wouldn't feel comfortable living with someone who needs to be in control all the time. I probably would end the relationship. Are you comfortable with it? You have been living it and I know there are children involved. I never think divorce is the first answer. You definitely need to start setting boundries and let her know that she needs to get help. A better question - do you love her?



Sincerely, I do love her and she is quite sure I love and care for her so much. She might be capitalising on this to remain unchanged. I do feel it is my responsibility as a husband to help her overcome her fears and worries, knowing fully well that I cannot be happy when she is sad under the same roof. I have been doing this over the years hoping for improvement, but no real changes. I am not considering divorce, however I had told her a number of times that despite all odds, I would be ready to grant her divorce if it would make her a happy person.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Vaneast said:


> Sincerely, I do love her and she is quite sure I love and care for her so much. She might be capitalising on this to remain unchanged. I do feel it is my responsibility as a husband to help her overcome her fears and worries, knowing fully well that I cannot be happy when she is sad under the same roof. I have been doing this over the years hoping for improvement, but no real changes. I am not considering divorce, however I had told her a number of times that despite all odds, I would be ready to grant her divorce if it would make her a happy person.


It's not your responsiblity at all. They are her emotional problems. That is probably where the problem lies. You feel responsible to help her change her emotional problems but they are hers, not yours. There is a reason there has been no improvement. She is not taking responsiblity for her own worries or happiness. And maybe she is as happy as she is going to be. And I know this is really cheesy but Dr. Phil says, "Why are you waiting for her to make a decision about your life?" You have just as much right to demand a divorce as she does. At the very least, I think it is really bad for you to expect that you can somehow help her to change her unhappiness and worry. You can support her, yes. But she has to change those things.


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