# Blindsided and devestated



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

About 10 days ago I found out that my wife of 8 years and partner of 15 years had kissed another guy on 3 admitted occasions. I found this out by chance, just looking through her facebook friends. She has never been secrective and always keeps facebook open. I am on facebook but don't really even know how it works. I usually send birthday and holiday wishes through her and her fb account, When clicking on a coworker of hers I noticed a conversation. After reading it, it was clear she had kissed him after a Christmas party in 2009, as that is when the convo was dated. I was devestated. 

We have 3 young kids aged 5, 4, and 2. She is so family oriented and so down to earth, this was the last thing I expected. I took this all in, waiting for her to come home. Afterthe kids were in bed I confronted her that I had information that she had kissed another guy after the Christmas party. She was blindsided herself, not knowing where I could have found out. She fessed up quickly saying she kissed a guy a the Christmas party, but lied and said he didn't work with her and worked for a law firm (my wife works in a courthouse and it is not unusual for lawyerrs and their staff to go to the court party). I went along with that story, she even used his real first name when fessing up. This is where the lies started to pile up.

My wife said she didn't know the guys last name and it was a one time thing. Her not knowing his last name would have set off an alarm as it is not like her to not know everything about everybody. When I confronted her that I knew the guy's name and that they worked together, she fell silent. She then told me that it was nothing and that they don't even work in the same department (true) and she didn't want me to think anything more was happening. She figured that if I thought they didn;t work together it would be easier for me to deal with. Something still bothered me.

The way somebody I trust more than anybody in the world could lie to me so easily, right to my face was disturbing. I kept on pushing the issue, asking if it really was a one time thing, how it happened, etc. Of course alcohol was involved and she said we had been arguing a lot at that time. She didn't use those as excuses. She owned up to being wrong. She swore it was a one time thing. I could still see the guilt on her face and called her bluff. She had no idea where I had gotten my info from, so she was unsure what I knew. Fianlly after 2 hours of back and forth, swearing it only happened once, I got her to admit she also kissed him during the 2008 party. To make a long story short, after more swearing that was it I elicited a third confession the next day. With the lies piling up, I didn't recognize the person in front of me. I was hurt, devestated,and pissed. 

I will summarize to where we stand now. According to her, the 2008 kiss was the first and was enjoyed and encouraged. The second kiss happened after a party, was short after he walked her to the subway. The last kiss was the 2009 party which I found the convo about. She says she pulled away, thinking it could never happen again. 

My wife swears the was no sex or oral sex. She was upfront about him feeling her up during the first kiss. She told me only one other person knew about what happened with her and the other guy, a female coworker. I then, without warning, text her friend pretending to be my wife. I text her friend to see if the info matched up. It did. I text and told her that a polygraph test was being scheduled. Her friend responded that it was a bit extreme for a few kisses but to do what it would take to save the marriage. 

My wife actually called to schedule the polygraph test herself. She says she has now told me everything. She seems extremly remorseful and guilt ridden. I want to believe her but the ease and frequency at which she lied hurts. She says it was to protect me. She also said she would prefer that I don't confront teh other guy or his wife, but would understand if I did. She seems willing to take her medicine. 

To tell the truth, the kisses don't really bother me, it is the lies. A person I thought was so trustworthy, such a good person, and do that to the person they love boggles my mind. She kissed another guy, that was married, and expecting a kid of his own, only months after giving birth to a second child herself. All those actions speak against everything she says she stands for. 

Sorry for the long post.......oh, what to do.....


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Expose him to his wife,wouldn't you want her to inform you if it was her who found out?
Also expose your wife to her family and friends who don't know.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

By all means proceed with the polygraph. Things are likely more than she confessed. Because only a preteen would stop at ONE kiss a year. No way Jose.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Definitely expose to OMs wife.

I am afraid that it makes no sense at all that they continue to share intimate kisses ONLY during and after a party.

Set up that polygraph and be prepared to learn that it has be more, much more that a few kisses.

Sorry, but refer to rule #1. Cheaters lie. If their mouth is moving, they are lying.


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I agree let her schedule the poly. She's gonna trickle truth all the way up to the test. Sorry about this bro you got some young kids. Make her take the poly.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> I agree let her schedule the poly. She's gonna trickle truth all the way up to the test. Sorry about this bro you got some young kids. Make her take the poly.


You may want to DNA the kids at least the younger 2.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious. 

I'm not saying you wife is, but better to take precautions. 

Also, what her friend said on the phone could be true *as far as she knows, but does she know everything? *


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Walkonmars has it 100 percent. Make sure the poly goes thru, it will likely lessen any doubts that it went further. A kiss is hella lot less than sex though the feel up would be troubling if under the clothes rather than a through the shirt boobie squeeze.

Btw I would make the questioner ask the following two questions after the ones about the known incident. 
1. Have you kissed anyone else lip to lip besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
2. Have you had sexual whether oral, manual, or vaginal relations with anyone else besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
3. Have you been nude or topless with a member of the opposite sex since you agreed on exclusivity with each other?
4. Was the feel up under or over the clothing? Breast, vagina or butt?


----------



## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Exactly, Man in Pain, the fact that someone you trust so much, can lie so easily can be devastating.

I also doubt if you're being told the truth. Just trickle truth. Prepare yourself for some nasty revelations . . . . . and they'll come bit by bit by bit by bit. . . .

WalkOnMars makes an excellent point about the polygraph. 

I don't think you've got anything like the truth so it makes no sense that she'd want to take a poly . . . . . unless someone she knows will give the results you want to hear.

I hope I'm wrong. Good luck!


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

We see so many stories like yours on here, "only" kisses that go on for several years. It never turns out to be "only" kisses. Everyone that posts here thinks their wife was SO, SO HONEST and can never believe their wife would ever, ever tell a small fib, much less a big lie.

Take a look at your story from our eyes out here in cyberspace, where none of us know that your wife was inducted into the Honesty Hall of Fame back in 2007.

They work together, have since at least 2008, and still do. They kissed each other, "only kissed," three times between 2008 and 2009. And she was telling her friend all about it.

Does that story sound plausible to you? How do you know she didn't go on to have sex with the guy, but just not tell the friend about it? I'm not saying it's impossible she is telling the truth, her story is theoretically possible, but it doesn't make sense. Usually, if a story doesn't make sense, it's a lie. 

Also, the first time they confess, and even the second and third, these cheaters never tell the entire truth. Look at the other threads here. Your wife does not stand out in any way from the other cheaters other posters are posting about. See how many of the others came clean on the first try? I don't think you'll ever get the whole truth, but at least you should get a story that makes sense. The thing is, adults usually don't stop at kissing. If they do something and regret it, they don't put themselves in that situation again. So, yeah, this story makes no sense. She kissed him, really regretted it, but put herself in that situation two more times.

How did she continue to work with the other man? Did they ever meet for lunch? What did they say to each other about it when they saw each other? Then they got themselves alone together two more times to kiss again during the course of the next year? What happened at all of the parties since then?

Schedule the polygraph.

Get the phone records and look for the other man's number.

Contact the other man's wife and let her know what went on. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Other man's wife might be able to fill you in on what really went on. Give her your evidence, tell her what you know, ask her to check on her end and tell her that you should both let each other know if you find anything else.

Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under her front seat. You should pick up what she is telling her toxic girlfriend within a week.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think both the kisses and the lies are equally disturbing. 

Also, something you said struck a chord with me- _"The way somebody I trust more than anybody in the world could lie to me so easily, right to my face was disturbing."_

Clearly there are reasons why your wife got herself in that situation in the first place- and it wasn't the alcohol. 

There is also a reason she never told you and then lied to you. And that has nothing to do with booze either.

It's partly because she wanted to. And that, to me, is where the real issues lie.

That tells me she doesn't love you. Otherwise this would never of happened. That is where you need to start with some decisions.

Also, I fully agree to let the OM's wife know about everything. I would say that is mandatory.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Be aware that if things are worse than your wife said, she has probably warned the OM by now. 

If she has, the OM has probably told his wife that one of his co-workers has a paranoid husband that is making wild accusations and has even accused him of being a partner. He will warn his wife not to talk to you because you are nuts. 

So, when you call his wife notice how she reacts. If she is short with you and dismisses you without questioning further you will have a clue that she has been warned about you. It will be especially true if she refuses to talk to you or if she tells you to never call her again.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Walkonmars has it 100 percent. Make sure the poly goes thru, it will likely lessen any doubts that it went further. A kiss is hella lot less than sex though the feel up would be troubling if under the clothes rather than a through the shirt boobie squeeze.
> 
> Btw I would make the questioner ask the following two questions after the ones about the known incident.
> 1. Have you kissed anyone else lip to lip besides your husband since you both agreed on exclusivity with each other?
> ...


I know of someone that came up with a clever idea of getting the truth to all questions he wanted answered. He wrote out a list of questions (25-50, don't recall exactly) and had his WW answer all the questions. He informed her afterwards that he would be asking only one question during the poly but, of course, she would be unaware of which one. Notice he didn't say one question on the _list_, but just one question period (no deception, no lying).

His question for the polygraph:

_*On the list of questions your BH gave you did you answer all of them truthfully?*_ (or something like that)

She failed. The polygraph guy told him he knew she would fail before he even administered the test...simply by her reaction to the one question being asked, which is revealed before the test is even given.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

man in pain,

You said that you discovered a FB message where it was clear she had kissed the OM.

Were they talking about the kiss? Was she showing remorse for it? Did she say that she liked it? Wanted more?

Can you clue us in as to what the messaging conversation was about?

It might help us determine the true extent of her relationship with OM.

Sorry you're here. Stay strong.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

3putt said:


> I know of someone that came up with a clever idea of getting the truth to all questions he wanted answered. He wrote out a list of questions (25-50, don't recall exactly) and had his WW answer all the questions. He informed her afterwards that he would be asking only one question during the poly but, of course, she would be unaware of which one. Notice he didn't say one question on the _list_, but just one question period (no deception, no lying).
> 
> His question for the polygraph:
> 
> ...


Very clever and effective. I understand that the standard poly only allows for a maximum of 3 "yes/no" questions. So this is an excellent tactic.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Very clever and effective. I understand that the standard poly only allows for a maximum of 3 "yes/no" questions. So this is an excellent tactic.


I thought it was quite ingenious as well.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

Everybody, thanks for the advice. 

"Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious." -Walkonmars

I work in law enforcement myself, I gave her the number of the guy I want her to use and she scheduled the appointment on the spot, right in front of me.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

man in pain said:


> Everybody, thanks for the advice.
> 
> "Since she works at the courthouse, be sure the polygrapher isn't a friend of hers or a friend of the OM. If you read the threads here you'll discover that cheaters can be very devious." -Walkonmars
> 
> I work in law enforcement myself, I gave her the number of the guy I want her to use and she scheduled the appointment on the spot, right in front of me.


A good sign. Do you have friends in her dept or his dept that you can discreetly approach and ask if they've noticed anything peculiar about OM and your wife or any other woman? Does the OM have a reputation as a player?


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@ThreeStrikes

The convo on FB shows him initiating about the party with my wife acknowleding it in what I read as an indifferent response. The message was about 2 moths after the party, which leads me to honestly believe it was their first contact after the kiss. My wife did change the topic back to a work-like convo. He tried to talk about the party at to which she responded with a question about his preganant wife. He responded talking about the future baby and the convo ended


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Definitely expose to OMs wife.
> 
> I am afraid that it makes no sense at all that they continue to share intimate kisses ONLY during and after a party.
> 
> ...


Back in the 1970s, Christmas Kisses (with a lot of tongue) was the norm, rather than the exception at the very large firm I worked in. Married, single, nearly everyone was at it. At age 16/17 that's how I got my first real kiss. 

But now? I am not certain that kind of thing is encouraged or even allowed. But just a kiss at a Christmas Party? It does or did happen.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@walkonmars 

Tebh guy does have the rep of a player. He thinks he's a tough guy too, which is why I'm hesitant to approach him. I know if he acts up and I handle it, my job is jeopardy. I don't have any friends in her building, but I have tons of friends that work in the other courthouses in the area. People I know would tell me they have seen my wife at lunch and such. She knows I have friends in the immediate area. Also, she has never come home late or left for work early.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @ThreeStrikes
> 
> The convo on FB shows him initiating about the party with my wife acknowleding it in what I read as an indifferent response. The message was about 2 moths after the party, which leads me to honestly believe it was their first contact after the kiss. My wife did change the topic back to a work-like convo. He tried to talk about the party at to which she responded with a question about his preganant wife. He responded talking about the future baby and the convo ended


Sounds like she regretted it and wished it didn't happen, and was wanting to avoid the topic. Probably embarrassed, too.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @walkonmars
> 
> Tebh guy does have the rep of a player. He thinks he's a tough guy too, which is why I'm hesitant to approach him. I know if he acts up and I handle it, my job is jeopardy. I don't have any friends in her building, but I have tons of friends that work in the other courthouses in the area. People I know would tell me they have seen my wife at lunch and such. She knows I have friends in the immediate area. Also, she has never come home late or left for work early.


Sounds like he was wanting it a lot more than she was. But it's troubling that she never said "ManInPain you're not gonna believe what that jerk OM tried to pull".

No she didn't. Why? and as Will asked, why did she do it again? and put herself in such a position again after that? Especially since they weren't close co-workers. It's odd.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Walkonmars I should also add that she gave me her phone immediately when asked. There were no unfamilar numbers on it. I went through every number and made sure it match the person it was supposed to. Like I said, she was blindsided herslef, so I know for a fact I had access to tthe phone before she was able to contact anybody.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

man in pain said:


> Tebh guy does have the rep of a player. He thinks he's a tough guy too,...


Since he's such a d1ck then his wife deserves to know the kind of guy she married. 

Don't make wild accusations, "just the facts" 

"Hey Mrs OM, I just found out that OM and my wife had kissed several times in the past. My wife didn't exactly confess to me until I brought it up. I just want to be sure that you know about this since they both work together. If you notice or have noticed anything suspicious can you call me? Thanks"


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @walkonmars
> 
> Tebh guy does have the rep of a player. He thinks he's a tough guy too, which is why I'm hesitant to approach him. I know if he acts up and I handle it, my job is jeopardy. I don't have any friends in her building, but I have tons of friends that work in the other courthouses in the area. People I know would tell me they have seen my wife at lunch and such. She knows I have friends in the immediate area. Also, *she has never come home late or left for work early*.


Just called in sick and met him somewhere. It's possible, no?

I've been reading your replies. You saw what your wife wrote in 2009. Maybe it was over by then. Kissing the guy three times over a year doesn't make sense with no conversation about it. Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe not. Unless other man's wife can fill you in, or phone records turn something up, I guess you're at the mercy of your wife and the polygraph.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@threestrikes and walkonmars

She told me she did regret it and tried to block it out. She said what you don't know don't hurt you if it is not a serious thing. I thought that it was a bit harsh, but sounds truthful in the moment. 

@walkonmars she said she didn't tell me because she has minimal contact and didn't want me to do something that would hurt our family(which me confronting him will almost definetly get my gun pulled) She said the FB convo is the last contact they had more than a hi in passing. I had full access to her FB without her knowledge and there was no other convos, no commenting on photos, no photos of them together (even at office birthday lunches or such), and no posts on the wall other than a happy birtday from him to her in 2010


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Man In Pain,

I hope this turns out to be what you know now

However, I too an having a hard time beliving that she has been carrying on with this guy all that time and yet they only kissed once every year?


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Will Kane anything is possible. I doubt it because we call each otehr everyday, and there was never a time I couldn't get in touch with her at her desk. Nothing that comes to mind at least.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ManInPain
Don't wanna get personal but is your wife scared of you? Is that a possible reason she never told you? That's the only "innocent" reason I can think of. And it would work IF there had only been one kiss. 

The fact that there are at least 3 - is the big issue. Well, that and the ability of your wife to look you in the eye and lie so blithely.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @walkonmars
> 
> Tebh guy does have the rep of a player. He thinks he's a tough guy too, which is why I'm hesitant to approach him. I know if he acts up and I handle it, my job is jeopardy.


Can you be clearer on this? You think he will get physical with you? And risk his own livelihood and his wife finding out? 

BTW: Fellow New Yorker here and former Bronxite.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

man in pain;1322219She told me she did regret it and tried to block it out. She said what you don't know don't hurt you if it is not a serious thing. I thought that it was a bit harsh said:


> Sorry but if she regretted it so much, why did she do it multiple times over multiple years?[/B]
> 
> She said the FB convo is the last contact they had more than a hi in passing. I had full access to her FB without her knowledge and there was no other convos, no commenting on photos, no photos of them together (even at office birthday lunches or such), and no posts on the wall other than a happy birtday from him to her in 2010


*Sorry but cheaters can be devious with burner phones and secret email accounts. Be SURE to go through with the poly!*


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @Will Kane anything is possible. I doubt it because we call each otehr everyday, and there was never a time I couldn't get in touch with her at her desk. Nothing that comes to mind at least.


Is this POSOM married?


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@walkonmars Shes not scared of me. She knows that I would have not issue confronting him. and that attention at work would kill her. She is willing to have me confront him if it will make me fell better and she will take the consequences. She doesn't know which way I am leaning on this. She seems more sorry than scared.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@3putt he is and his wife was with child at the time.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @3putt he is and his wife was with child at the time.


If your wife is serious about fixing this then she should have no problem calling his wife and tell her what happened. Make it a condition for you to consider recovery.

IMO, this would be very telling about how serious she is about owning what she has done.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@toffer not to dismiss what you are saying but a burner phone is a bit extreme in our situation. If she was that carefulf, I doubt I would have found the FB convo or she would leave her FB available to me or her email available to me. I am looking at every angle though. Thanks


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @Will Kane anything is possible. I doubt it because we call each otehr everyday, and there was never a time I couldn't get in touch with her at her desk. Nothing that comes to mind at least.


If there was a history between them, it may have come out in the facebook messages. You would think he would have brought it up if he was trying to coax her back into a relationship that she was ending. 

Then again, facebook is kind of a public place. I think it took a lot of balls to even mention the kiss there. Who could see that message? You say you always had access to your wife's facebook? So you could have seen it, right after it was posted, too? It's common for husbands and wives to share facebook passwords. So do you think he didn't care if you saw it or not? Or just was ballsy enough to take a chance that you wouldn't? Looking back, it seems like a kind of in-your-face move on his part.

In the message you saw from 2009, supposedly after the final kiss, did other man mention the two previous kisses, or just the most recent one? If he was trying to bag your wife, you would think that he would bring up something along the lines of "hey, this wasn't a one-off, this is the third time you kissed me. You know you're attracted to me, otherwise you wouldn't keep kissing me; why don't we just go for it?"

Then again, maybe he didn't want too much on facebook and only slipped up with the comment about the kiss.

The story about three kisses spread out over a year with only saying "hi" in the halls in between does not make any sense to me.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well ManInPain, 
I think you job has prepared you to know when someone is trying to bs you. And although betrayed spouses often post like they're punch-drunk and in denial you seem to have your wits about you. 

So you may actually have the ONE wife I've read about that actually told the 'truth' even if it had to be pulled out like a rotten tooth. 

I suggest you follow through on the poly, contact the OMW and get a sense of her take. and if all passes you might want your wife to transfer to the other courthouse - the one where you have friends. That's up to you. 

If you believe her, that she didn't say anything because to her "it wasn't anything" then tell her it IS A LOT to you and you won't tolerate it again. Breathe a sigh if all the above is good.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@3putt that is something I am considering heavily and she said she will take her medicine, whatever it may be.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Will Kane the convo on FB was private, through the instant messenger. I doubt he had any clue that I would be able to see it. I'm sure he assumed she would delete it as soon as it ended. There are no gaps in her FB so it seems unlikely, though not impossible, that there was other contact through FB.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I have a very difficult time believing that a woman will kiss a man three times over a long period of time without at least an emotional affair going on.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @toffer not to dismiss what you are saying but a burner phone is a bit extreme in our situation. If she was that carefulf, I doubt I would have found the FB convo or she would leave her FB available to me or her email available to me. I am looking at every angle though. Thanks


Why is it the betrayed male always has such a hard time conceiving that their "precious sally" is incapable of having a PA behind their back.

"Never, no way"

"I know her, and I know when she's lying, so uh-uh"

"She'd never have the time, and she's admitted to everything already"

"There is no way, I would have known"

The list goes on.

It's like some blindspot men have.

OP, your wife works with the bloke, and went back for more three times. 

His penis has been inside her vagina, or mouth at the very least.

Expose him to his wife. Don't be an emasculated guinea pig, expose him. Ruin his life.

And make your wife metaphorically crawl before you, do not rugsweep or just forget about it with no consequences. She is not a victim, and it was not a mistake, she wanted to do it. 

She chose to cheat on you.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @3putt that is something I am considering heavily and she said she will take her medicine, whatever it may be.


Okay, I know you're hurting like hell at the revelation of all this, but I see no indications that it is anything more than what she has admitted. She does seem sincere, but I would implore you to follow through with the poly. If you don't, your mind will never rest.

To be honest though, my own personal gut feeling tells me this is all there is to it.

But confirm for your own good. You, and your wife, will be glad you did.

Is this POS in law enforcement as well? Don't you guys have morality clauses in your contracts?

Sorry you're have a need to be here, but under the circumstances, glad you're here.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Walkonmars Thanks for taking the time to go through this with me. Actually thanks to all who responded. The poly is set with my guy. One of the questions that will be asked will have her confess to the kisses. The other 2 questions will put in question sexual activity. She understands fully what is on the line and what the bottom line will be on an unfavorable poly.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

GetTough said:


> I have a very difficult time believing that a woman will kiss a man three times over a long period of time without at least an emotional affair going on.


Yep THAT'S the one thing (other than her denial lies) that jumps out in a big way.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @Will Kane the convo on FB was private, through the instant messenger. I doubt he had any clue that I would be able to see it. I'm sure he assumed she would delete it as soon as it ended. There are no gaps in her FB so it seems unlikely, though not impossible, that there was other contact through FB.


If there was contact, my guess is it would have been mostly directly at work, by work email, or work phone.

I'm not saying your wife did anything physical other than kiss this guy and let him grope her. I'm saying, it doesn't make sense that he didn't try to get in her pants in between. That all that happened was "hi" in the halls. That he never asked her to go to lunch. Never did any other thing.

What does your wife say about putting herself in the situation to kiss this guy two other times? Does she admit to any attraction to the guy? How did her female co-worker find out about it? Did the co-worker know about all three times, or only the 2009 time?


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Cro-magnon That may be true, she may have done all those things. She is taking a poly and living up to every stipulation I suggest. I will let the poly do a lot of the decsion making.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Other man's wife also may be able to shed some light.


----------



## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

Good Luck! I hope that it was only those 3 kisses and you can, if you chose move on with your marriage and be stronger and healthier from this revelation from here on out.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@ Will Kane I doubt work email because it's a gov't job and all that stuff is stored and saved. Work phone is a possiblity and where I have my doubts. I've read other posts on here before I posted and have been looking for the signs and comparing stories. There are similarities and differences in my situation compared to others. The fact that she is now submitting to all my requests without knowing what I will do speaks to me. As does the fact she lied. The trickle truth seems to fit our situation, but she is backed in the corner with the poly next week. She tells me with confidence that she will pass. I say let's see. She is destroyed by what this can do to our family, but is confident that if I can live with what she has told me, there is nothing lurking.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Other man's wife also may be able to shed some light.


Yeah, it's not very shocking anymore what scared BWs know but don't reveal just to not make anymore waves than necessary.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

man in pain said:


> @Cro-magnon That may be true, she may have done all those things. She is taking a poly and living up to every stipulation I suggest. I will let the poly do a lot of the decsion making.


Whatever the poly says, you have to come to terms with the fact that your old relationship is over. You can choose to build a new one with her or not, but the woman you thought you knew has gone forever. As such it's prudent to start thinking about what if this leads to divorce. Are your finances split etc. Learn as much as you can about her. I feel your pain, this kind of revelation turns your whole world upside down. Crummy way to start the new year, but you will get through it stronger.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@3putt I can see his wife being scared of him and not saying anything. He seems like he would try to intimidate her.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@GetTough I have already thought about it. I have already discussed with her what will happen if failed. She knows me well enough that I am a man of my word and will stick to my guns and leave. I know that the relationship must be rebuilt in certain aspects, and she knows I'm only willing to do so given all is out now. Thanks for the support.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @3putt I can see his wife being scared of him and not saying anything. He seems like he would try to intimidate her.


It wouldn't be a first, but such a sad way to exist. That's not living, but a slow and self induced emotional death.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@3putt as mean as it may sound, that's on her. I'm not very concerned about her emotional well being


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

I would ask on the poly whether she would have cheated if she knew she could get away with it.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

OM is a POS of the first order. If you decide to have your wife transfer she could state that she's requesting a transfer because of past actions by the OM that, on reflection, she sees as sexual harassment.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

man in pain said:


> @3putt as mean as it may sound, that's on her. I'm not very concerned about her emotional well being


Hey, I agree completely.


----------



## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

If poly works out fine what are you planing on doing about her partying and stopping any future repeats(doesn't have to be current OM).
You need to figure out why she did it,why did she kiss this guy and what was wrong in your relationship,or if there wasn't anything wrong and she is just an attention seeker and how are you going fix it.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@walkonmars funny that is what we spoke about this morning, the sexual harrasment thing. But in my line of work I know it takes a lot to convince of sexual harrasment and may be more trouble than it's worth. No matter how things turn out between me and my wife, we need to have two incomes. I won't jeopardize that, for my kids sake.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ManInPain
You have it covered. You don't seem the type to be snowed and are unwilling to rug-sweep. 

If more of the posters took the firm stand you've taken there would be fewer posters suffering months of anguish. Your wife is a lucky woman. 

Don't let this affect your job performance. And you have it right, leave the OM alone. There's no need to jeopardize your job.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@NewM partying and other activites already off the the table. I told her I don't want to have to be that guy that won't let his wife go out (even though I have evfery right to) and she said she doesn't care about no GNO or parties or any of that. Why it was done comes down to her feeling in a rut with me, and CHOOSING to do what she did. We are both in agreement that it was her choice to make. The last week or so we have been very open with each other feelings wise, and it has been eye opening on both sides.


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@Walkonmars Thanks again. I just needed to vent a little and see what was to be said on my specific situation. Like I said, I have read other threads to see where I stand. I think I did my homework and formulated a pretty strong plan. A little reassurance never hurts, lol


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Looks good. Can you update when you call the OMW and get the poly results? It would be nice to close out a thread on a good note. 
(fingers crossed for ya)


----------



## man in pain (Dec 21, 2012)

@walkonmars Will do. Thanks again.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Looks good. Can you update when you call the OMW and get the poly results? It would be nice to close out a thread on a good note.
> (fingers crossed for ya)


Agreed! Thoughts and prayers to you MIP.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

It sounds like you have it under control and are taking the steps necessary to confirm her story. I believe someone else suggested you DNA test your children. I'm going to suggest you do as well if only to insure that she understands how serious this really is. I'm also going to suggest you compel her to undergo STD testing as well. Again, to reinforce the seriousness of her actions. And by actions I do not necessarily mean the kissing but the deceit. She needs to know that even with the polygraph her word means nothing right now.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

So her kissing other men is bad but not bad enough. Many on this board will tell you they should have been stronger at the start. She was with him at least three times. 

Your wife has the capacity to cheat, the ability to keep it from you, she is able to lie to you for three plus years. She did not regret it until caught. She has a friend who is also ok with everything that enables her with the support.

You have to make this something she regrets ever doing. Do not minimize this or it will happen again only kissing will be the starting point. Read My Wife Cheated I hate my life and also Three Strikes.

This is very, very serious.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How does she explain the other times after the first time?

If she was feeling so guilty, why did it happen again and again like he was entitled to it?

Tell his wife. This dude used your wife and has been laughing at you for several years.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Sounds like she regretted it and wished it didn't happen, and was wanting to avoid the topic. Probably embarrassed, too.


And yet it happened three years in a row.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

man in pain said:


> @Will Kane the convo on FB was private, through the instant messenger. I doubt he had any clue that I would be able to see it. I'm sure he assumed she would delete it as soon as it ended. There are no gaps in her FB so it seems unlikely, though not impossible, that there was other contact through FB.


There are apps to retrieve face book messages.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Wasn't it stated it was a bit mre than a kis the first time?

Ask the polygrapher if he/she can tell if someone has read up on how to beat the test. Supposedly that info is on the internet.

Best of luck and prayers'

Chap


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Wasn't it stated it was a bit mre than a kis the first time?
> 
> Ask the polygrapher if he/she can tell if someone has read up on how to beat the test. Supposedly that info is on the internet.
> 
> ...


Agreed! Is it possible for you to schedule on a day that she cannot prepare for?

Do not be too surprised if you get a parking lot confession


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She told me she did regret it and tried to block it out. She said what you don't know don't hurt you if it is not a serious thing. I thought that it was a bit harsh, but sounds truthful in the moment.


So does she expect the same from you? 

Have you considered that this bit of info you found was something she forgot to delete while she was careful of the more recent stuff ? How do you know there are no other gaps? Once you delete the convo, there are no gaps left.

You should have confronted her with an open ended question. Go ahead with the poly.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I think both the kisses and the lies are equally disturbing.
> 
> Also, something you said struck a chord with me- _"The way somebody I trust more than anybody in the world could lie to me so easily, right to my face was disturbing."_
> 
> ...


I think she can be truly loving you while also loving someone else, but in another way. It happens all the time because people can compartimentalize their affair to something relatively innocent and justified by circumstances. It is called the Fog here. 

Most of the time the cheating spouse gives signs of not really loving their partner anymore, like less or no sex, less or no intimacy, more withdrawn etc. etc. But what I read in your post indicates it is possible your wife is truly remorseful, so for the moment I would just wait how things develop and monitor all communication and actions. Do not tell her what you do. Bear the situation for now. Later she will pay for this if there is more to it.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Good luck man.


----------



## jp787 (Dec 29, 2012)

My wife lied and lies until she is backed into a corner, it sucks, but that is how most people are who lie. Men or women.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Any results from MIP?


----------

