# A Possible Place to Start Reconciliation?



## LouaLea

5 weeks ago my husband of 10 years used the I don't know what I feel about anything and I don't think I love you anymore line.

Seems like this is often a surprise to the person hearing it, as it was to me.

I tried the begging thing ( should have read the advice before hand that it would not work) and continued to state that I did not want to separate. Emails, skype, texts
He talked about being so depressed 12 months ago that he had a suicide plan that failed to work. He said he is past that now and feeling fine.

2 weeks later he said he has been seeing some one else, for the past 2 weeks! I am sort of grateful he is not deceitful enough to pretend that everything is fine if you are committing adultery. He looks terrible and is very stressed. I felt so sorry for him, and me.

We have had to have 2 homes during the week for the past 6 months due to a change of his job and needing to sell our house, me finish a work contract. It takes time to move and he only had 2 months between applying for and getting his new job ( which does make him happy) but the travel and living alone has not been good for either of us.

Last weekend he did not come home, this week we were supposed to be here for a holiday but he went back early to think and write. I wrie a journal andit helps.

. It has been a hard month, he does not want to tell anyone about us, he does not want to try and fix our marriage but when I asked well what was it he did want he had not any idea.

Last weekend he talked a little about the woman he is seeing, someone from work who , he says will move out of her family home ( husband and 3 children also live in this home ) in February. He is with her this weekend- that really hurts.
I cannot decide if he has no respect for me by being so open or is so used to us sharing and discussing that he feels comfortable talking. It sure did hurt but I did not get the sense that this was his purpose. 

I suspect he is depressed, so does my family doctor and counsellor but he will not be persuaded to speak to anyone.

My insisting we need to try with the marriage has failed. It has just made him very angry. Again an emotion he rarely displayed 12 months ago. He remembers events and things I said from years ago and he blames me for destroying trust ( we moved to my home country but it was not as I had remembered so we moved back after 3 years. He loved it there but he moved back here for me. I know he was disappointed but I have trouble figuring in the trust, I guess at a stretch maybe.)

I was also very unhappy living alone here and did not want to move again for his new job, giving up my job and home. I expressed that probably too vocally- again it was destroying trust.It took me one month to realise my marriage was the priority not a job or hous adn I have been organising in my head at least to move at the end of this academic year-June.

Actually my other fault-organising too much, always pushing to have things done. I agree I do that but I thought he was fine with it becasue he did not have the time in his work day to do anything else. I thought I was helping. I can see it was proabaly over bearing. I have apologised.

He said he wants space, to live for himself and take care of himself
He said he still cares about me but needs to care for himself.
I suspect he felt bereft whn he was suicidal but gave no indication of his depression and I saw him every day and had no idea. He covered up so well, seemed to be managing his work stress. I feel like I let him down but he rarely shares emotions, especially when hey are negative.

So today I have had to think very hard, read research and pray.

I know I am probably dealing with depression but that can't be changed.

My thought was to agree with his idea that our marriage won't work ( his words) but also include that I disagree and would like to find some middle ground where we can both meet our needs.
A separation with regular contact. Discussions about our issues, possibly counselling. We used to talk on the phone twice a day. I have said that phonng and emailing and texting should start from him . I figure this is giving him space as well ( HAve to say it is so hard not to share everything with him. We have been together 14 years and have probably talked almost every dayof those 14 years.)
We rarely argued ( not a good thing I have now discovered) we cared about each other,made an effort to show care, have common interests

My hope is that if we can see each other and connect without the stress of "trying to save a marriage" but rather to find a middle ground for discussion maybe that is a place to start?

He still plans to come home next weekend and made an apointment to skype Monday.

This reads as if I am quite clinical but I am not. It is really tough and I can't see any other way to move away from the looming - " I don't want to see you any more-ever".

Any thoughts on my plan?
Any advice
I need to not be organising or over bearing or difficult.
I really have no clue and am open to your thoughts and experiences- successes and failures.
As we are not telling anyone about us, I have no one to talk to.Sure is lonely.
Thanks for reading.It helped to write :scratchhead:


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## sfd'swife

Hi LouaLea,

First let me say I understand your pain and hurt. My husband came to me after 10 years of marriage and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore too. That was over 20 years ago and we're still together so please don't give up. In the beginning, he didn't want to try and work things out. We went on a couple's retreat through our church that was for couples who were divorcing or on the verge of divorce. It was a game changer for us. While it didn't "fix" our problems, it did open up the lines of communication for us to begin to deal with things. It was a long, hard road, but well worth it. See if your husband is willing to see a counselor with you or even go on a retreat like we did. If he isn't willing to try some things to help your relationship, then you go see a counselor by yourself. You are going to need someone to help you through this. Please don't shoulder all the blame in this relationship. It's easy to try and make the other person feel it's all their fault -- he's just trying to justify things and ease his own conscience. Hang in there.


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## Stretch

sorry you are here. This has been my experience so take it for what it is worth.

After my WAW left, I discontinued most contact and started remaking myself into someone I wanted to be. The few contacts we had she could infer that I was moving on including dating, which I told her she should do to find someone to make her happy.

I can only assume she eventually felt she made a mistake, found the truth about how green the grass is, etc, and decided to ask me to try to save our marriage after 14 months apart.

I am convinced that all the WAS have some level of reflection and regret if left alone to contemplate their loss. For many, it is strong enough to want R.

Hope this helps, be strong,
Stretch


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