# Could I start over in my 30's and have a family?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I might have to let go. Cut my losses. Stand up. Walk away.

I absolutely want to have a happy marriage and become a mother, raise a family. But I'm starting to lose faith that my husband is the person to do that with.

I need some encouragement--success stories of people, specifically women, who did find "it" a second time, or later in life, and had children. A pep talk, maybe?

I'm a lot of wonderful things: I'm smart, attractive, in great shape, loyal, kind, funny, talented, faithful, insightful...lots of people see those things in me. My husband doesn't seem to. I am better than the way he treats me sometimes.

Thank you. Please be gentle; please, no lectures or judgments. I need some hope that I could leave and eventually remarry and have a family. I'm feeling pretty knocked down at the moment.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Absoloutely, but you better get to it


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Absoloutely, but you better get to it


I need a "kicked in the gut" emoticon.

Success stories, anyone? Examples?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You can start a new life. It's not too late at all.

My best friend's first husband cheated on her with many women. They divorced five years after their marriage. Luckily, they didn't have any children. It took her a while to find someone else. But she did. She's now in a great relationship with a man who treats her well. We like him so much more than the first husband. They're much more compatible with each other than she and the first husband. They also have a child together.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I can only tell you my W was 31 when we married, she already had a 9 & 11 yr old from bad 1st marriage. We had twins when she was 37. Just celebrated our 18th anniversary, twins are 12. Is she happy? Hmmmmm. She says yes. Is it perfect? Probably wouldn't be on this site if it was.

Too uplifting for you?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh puh-lease.

We didnt even get married until we were almost 30 and didnt have our first child until I was 39.

Easy peasy. Plenty of time. We are now pushing 50, married 20 years with 2 great kids. It gets better all the time.

Might be a little tricky to find that exact someone that is on the same 'career trajectory' that you are on, but yeah - I see nothing that is even a long shot here.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I need a "kicked in the gut" emoticon.
> 
> Success stories, anyone? Examples?


how about a butt kick?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Honestly, to me it sounds stranger to get married and have kids in your 20's than in your 30's.

For my group of 4 or 5 close friends, I married young. I was 32 when I got married. Most of the rest were probably around 35. All of them are happily married. (I'm happily single again) All of them have at least one kid, some have two--all of them healthy and as adorable as toddlers can be. Most of them got pregnant naturally, the ones that didn't all had other issues going on that would have required fertility treatment regardless of their age.

I think you have the advantage of knowing yourself better, knowing what you do and don't want in a relationship better and can look forward to going into the future with a much stronger foundation than you might have when you were younger. And I personally think that goes a long way toward raising healthy, stable kids when they do come.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> Oh puh-lease.
> 
> We didnt even get married until we were almost 30 and didnt have our first child until I was 39.
> 
> ...


Keep it comin', I really really need it right now.

I have a friend who didn't get married till she was 39, to a wonderful man, and they have two beautiful kids. 

Might I add, I'm a "young" 32...in other words, I consistently take care of my body and skin, so physically I might be "younger." 

Although...tell that to my eggs 
AND, I wonder if the stress and sleeplessness wrought by this marriage is aging me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Honestly, to me it sounds stranger to get married and have kids in your 20's than in your 30's.
> 
> For my group of 4 or 5 close friends, I married young. I was 32 when I got married. Most of the rest were probably around 35. All of them are happily married. (I'm happily single again) All of them have at least one kid, some have two--all of them healthy and as adorable as toddlers can be. Most of them got pregnant naturally, the ones that didn't all had other issues going on that would have required fertility treatment regardless of their age.
> 
> I think you have the advantage of knowing yourself better, knowing what you do and don't want in a relationship better and can look forward to going into the future with a much stronger foundation than you might have when you were younger. And I personally think that goes a long way toward raising healthy, stable kids when they do come.


Thank you. 

I'm not single, though. I'm married. Not separated anymore. Came back after 6 months of separation, having gained hope that things would keep improving, and it makes me sick to see it backslide. 

So if I leave, I still have hurdles to overcome before I do. I still have to GO THROUGH IT. There's no around, over, or under. 

And I don't want to have to leave.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Still in first marriage (long story), but happy now and had 1st when I was 29 and 2nd when I was 34, almost 35. Got my body back, kids are smart as whips and glad I had them later in life. I have more patience and good advice to give them now than I probably would have had if I started 15 years ago. Good luck!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I might have to let go. Cut my losses. Stand up. Walk away.
> 
> I absolutely want to have a happy marriage and become a mother, raise a family. But I'm starting to lose faith that my husband is the person to do that with.
> 
> ...


Of course. Don't be shortsighted by being too farsighted is what I say. You are not a fortune teller. You should do what you feel compelled to do spiritually in the present and let the future unfold according to those moments. But this goes for your current marriage as well as any other starting over. You can start over with who you are married to, you can start over on your own, you can start over with another person. There are ends to relationships that need to happen, only you can decide what to do/what needs to be done/what you feel is right and appropriate. If it feels that something needs to end and something needs to start, be open-minded about it. Maybe it's just certain things in your life that need to end, not necessarily a relationship but components of it, maybe there are changes that need to occur, but of perception not of the scenery and the people in it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

"Don't be shortsighted by being farsighted." I love that.
I made the decision to start fresh with my husband, but he isn't starting fresh with me. I cannot singlehandedly change our relationship, hard as I've tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do those things.

But if that's what you want, you better cut the current guy loose. The more time you spend on this one means the more you won't find the next one. 

My nephew's grandma B (SIL's side) has been widowed about 13 years now and recently retired, went back to school, has started traveling the world and recently met a guy she is dating. She's about 60.

B's daughter (my SIL) looked at her like she was crazy one day when she told us she couldn't hang with us later cause she was going on a "date." 

Ya know what I told her? "Get it, girl!" LOL


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It's not what I want. It's what I'll resort to if I feel I have to. If the risks of raising a family with this man outweigh the joys of living with him.

I can't believe that after 6 months of his loneliness and crying and moping and reading books and doing yoga and finding therapy, he's STILL behaving this way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had my last baby at 39. Does that help?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I had my last baby at 39. Does that help?


Yes.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I had my babies at 34 and 37. Perfect pregnancies, perfect births, easy breastfeeding, body snapped back into shape, no stretch marks. I could have easily had another one at 39 or 40/41/42 (I just turned 40) but my husband only wanted 2. 

In terms of other examples, I have lots. None of my friends had babies in their 20s. One friend didn't meet her husband until she was 37, she has three children now. Another very close friend spent most of her 30s with a charming time-waster, finally left him at 37, met someone else at 38, lived with him for a year, didn't work out, met someone else at 40, totally fell in love, has just had her first baby, a gorgeous healthy boy, at 42. No need for fertility treatment or anything. I have another friend who got married at 33 and now has three gorgeous children aged 5, 3 and nearly 1. My best friend from high school hasn't married, but when she got pregnant unexpectedly in a casual-ish relationship when she was 37, she decided to have the baby and raise her as a single parent. The father is somewhat involved, but not in any kind of 50/50 way. Her little girl is 14 months now, and a delight. Another good friend from school left her partner of ten years last year, and had met and married her new husband within six months. I'm expecting a pregnancy announcement any day. She's 40. 

I could go on, I've got plenty more, but I'll stop there. Don't let worry about the future make your decision for you. And if your marriage is this much work now, having children will probably destroy it anyway. Children show up all the weak spots, the ones you knew were there and the ones you didn't. 

Marriage shouldn't be hard. My husband and I have had plenty of difficulties over our 20+ year relationship, but only for short patches. Mostly it is pretty effortless and brings way more joy than pain.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Of course you can, but I will give you some pragmatic advice :

If you want to have your own kids look into freezing your eggs (mind you, it's not exactly cheap)

(I say that because we just had a fertility doctor come lecture at my med school...and he warned all of us (women) not to keep putting life off for school/career...because that's what most of his clients have done...and now some of them wind up being disappointed entirely...honestly it was seriously depressing...and something I've been thinking about a lot now (I'm in my mid-20s)).

Anyway, Success Stories?

Well, I could offer you the story of my parents:

Both were in their early thirties. Both divorced and childless. 

My mom's car broke down in front of my dad's apartment building. (he saw her standing there beside it, looking from his 2nd story window)

And for some reason, (he doesn't even know why), he went downstairs. She was gone by then (off calling a tow-truck)...he looked at the car...it was a mess (she was pretty unhappy, and directionless at the time)

Anyway, she came back...he offered to drive her home...she took him up on his offer.

And they married less than 6 months later.

They were married for 20 years (until her death).

It's funny because, towards the end (not that we knew it then) my mom was really starting to resent my dad...and she'd vent to me pretty much every morning about how "sick"of him she was (this was like my junior/senior year of high school)...and I honestly don't know if they would've stayed married

but then she got sick...

and a few months before she died, we were standing outside alone in the backyard and she started crying and she said "forget every awful thing I've ever said about your father. He's been so wonderful...taking care of me...taking me to the ER...he never makes me feel like I'm a burden"

IDK...I think my parents were two broken people, from very messed up childhoods, that managed to come together and create a very, happy, stable life for my brother and I---seriously, except for those two years and her illness, I really had a happy, carefree home life...and I'm very grateful

And her illness (pancreatic cancer) was really awful, and he was really amazing throughout it.

And if I want to think about it as a full circle...all of this had been set in motion 20 years before...


Also, my mom (who was like 5 yrs older than my dad)...had me at 36/37 and my brother at 40/41....no problems, no fertility treatments or anything...

Honestly, she didn't have that much time to "play with"...but then, she didn't really need it....she just needed her car to break down in front of some random apartment complex in Dallas, TX

Life's funny....

And it's also probably more "giving" than we _give_ it credit for

Be smart, be proactive, but don't be afraid of losing out...what happens is more in your hands than anyone else's anyway

Good Luck


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you! 

Lyris, I might have to print your reply just because it's such a long list of real people. I mean, I know Angelina Jolie can do it, but I'm not a millionaire.

Question: Health/nutrition/lifestyle-wise, is there anything woman can do to keep themselves fertile and healthy enough to have kids?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> It's not what I want. It's what I'll resort to if I feel I have to. If the risks of raising a family with this man outweigh the joys of living with him.
> 
> I can't believe that after 6 months of his loneliness and crying and moping and reading books and doing yoga and finding therapy, he's STILL behaving this way.


If he's emotionally broken, it's all he knows.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Lyris, I might have to print your reply just because it's such a long list of real people. I mean, I know Angelina Jolie can do it, but I'm not a millionaire.
> 
> Question: Health/nutrition/lifestyle-wise, is there anything woman can do to keep themselves fertile and healthy enough to have kids?


You can always freeze some eggs as an "insurance" policy.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Lyris, I might have to print your reply just because it's such a long list of real people. I mean, I know Angelina Jolie can do it, but I'm not a millionaire.
> 
> Question: Health/nutrition/lifestyle-wise, is there anything woman can do to keep themselves fertile and healthy enough to have kids?


Ha! I was just coming back to add this; Natural Fertility Management™ (+61) 2 9268 9000 Sydney - Australia. Obviously that's in Australia, but I'm sure there's something similar where you are.

I had some non-age related fertility issues to do with crazy long cycles, and discovered the natural fertility stuff while looking for alternatives to Clomid etc. Acupuncture and Chinese herbs worked to regulate my cycles and once that was done my babies were both conceived on the first month of trying.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> You can always freeze some eggs as an "insurance" policy.


I cannot afford that.
I cannot even afford actual health insurance right now.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I wonder if freezing eggs is really a particularly good option. You would have to use IVF, frozen eggs are less likely to produce a successful cycle anyway. Maybe the frozen eggs of a 25 year old would be better than the non-frozen ones of a 42 year old, but I think if you're comparing 32 to 37 say, the difference wouldn't be worth it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Success stories, anyone? Examples?


Sorry I'm late to the 'party', but I was just Skyping with my 15 yo daughter. I had her when I was 40yo.

Another friend had HER daugther at 41yo.

Another friend had HER daughter at 42yo.

We're all HAPPY being mothers, happy with our HEALTHY daughters. My friends are BOTH MARRIED and happy. I just kicked my H of 19 years to the curb earlier this year (about 10 years later than I should have) and NOW I'm happy, too!!

Hey, OP, GO GET YOUR LIFE! If you want it, GO CLAIM IT!! Life is an adventure, GO FIND YOURS, P-L-E-A-S-E. Then keep on coming back to TAM, giving GREAT advice, and telling us HOW HAPPY YOUR LIFE IS NOW!!!!!

I'm sending you a TON of love, and good wishes and positive thoughts/energy to GET GOING ON YOUR NEW LIFE!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

My mum just had a baby and she's 45, my nan on my mums side had her last at 47 as did my nan on my dads side.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam 
I really am sorry to read this. I believe that you have what it takes to be a great partner. When I read posts - one thing I look for is consistency. People who are consistent tend to be honest and accurate. 

The stuff that your H seems to freak about, won't bother many men.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Quite honestly, that is really a silly questoin and you know it. You know women have babies into their 40's these days. For those who don't want to go that route there is adoption, foster care or even very happy childless marriages. You know all of this.

If all your posts are true, then I think it would be virtually impossible for you to wind up with a lower quality husband for yourself. A man who can give you both maritial fulfillment and babies. 

I say this not to beat up on your husband, but as a testament to your self awareness. You know what you need and what to look for.

The world is full of billions of people. There are millions of unmarried men who would cherish an eligible 32 year old female.

I would add that the line of thought that says you want to have a baby so it's too late to start over with someone else is the exact opposite of the way you should be thinking... You don't make a bad man into a good father. The thought process you should have is could it ever be fair to the child to bring him or her into this marriage. Children expect and deserve a happy family to be raised in.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Truths, hard to face and hard to swallow. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Maybe I'm in some denial.

I just don't want to have to leave my husband and give up on that dream.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Oh puh-lease.
> 
> We didnt even get married until we were almost 30 and didnt have our first child until I was 39.
> 
> ...


I don't even see it as a little tricky.

It seems like a substantial trend is to spend life up to your late 20s (and maybe even later) building a career and enjoying the single life. Then you nurture a serious relationship, get married, and have children (by which time you are in your 30s).

It also seems like the 30s are a time when substantial numbers of people are coming out of failed marriages or other serious relationships. Perhaps some of those are looking for a new person also?

Not knowing your exact age, I will say that you might find pickings somewhat slim if you limit your choices to never married guys or guys without kids.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Truths, hard to face and hard to swallow. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Maybe I'm in some denial.
> 
> I just don't want to have to leave my husband and give up on that dream.


Well, let's just note (as we have on other threads) that children do not make a marriage better. Yes, family size is a critical issue for many if not most people. And, yes, having kids can remove a source of resentment for someone who really wants them.

But, kids add stress to a relationship - lots of it. You are taking your relatively simple life and adding a demanding baby who needs lots of care, and does not give much back, for the first several months or longer. And that presumes you have a healthy kid without major problems.

So, if you are unhappy because husband seems lazy, selfish, or inattentive to your needs, that is not going to spontaneously improve with a child. It is likely to get worse. Likewise, if you are not very attracted to your husband and that makes it difficult to meet his needs, a child will make worse as well. Imagine trying to generate the enthusiasm to put on makeup and lingerie after you've been spit on and tugged at all day.

An additional caution. If you do divorce, make absolutely sure your next guy is innately attractive to you. You have to like him for him, not for his fatherhood potential. Ideally, you will be married to any subsequent guy long after any children are grown and out of the house.

If you go in mainly thinking about your need, then after it is met you realize you don't like him that much, what will you do? You'll be back to being vulnerable and intimate with someone who does not make you "feel it". Despite what you may read on TAM about how sex should take a back seat, you can assume the next guy will not be happy if you shut down after having kids.

My advice is: if you can salvage your marriage, get to MC and work on it now. If you don't want to work it out and starting over seems like a good option, there is no reason to wait. But, if you decide to start over, work on being okay alone (without husband or child) before remarrying. Don't let your desire to be a mother drive your relationship choices. TAM and other sites are rife with stories of guys resentful because their wives ignored them after they had kids or after menopause.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Truths, hard to face and hard to swallow. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Maybe I'm in some denial.
> 
> I just don't want to have to leave my husband and give up on that dream.


yes, but of all the reasons to stay married to a person you don't othwise want to be married to, having kids is the worst.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam 
Your husband 'is' a certain way. That's his core personality. As you are a certain way. It seems the way you are often triggers a bad/aggressive/angry response from him. 

It is not possible to tell if he is very insecure (as you depict) or if you are often competing with him in some manner triggering his insecurities. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, it is also true that when you feel you are 'right' you sometimes seem a bit unaware of 'tone'. 

He seems like the omega man Deejo posted about.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

my grandma was married for like 40 years or something... after my grandpa passed away she lived with us for a while until she met someone. they lived together maybe 6 or 7 years until her boyfriend passed away. unfortunately her physical heath is not good at all, so she's been in a nursing home for a while.. the other day i went to visit her and there was a huge bouquet of flowers on her dresser. they were from an admirer she's had since the 50's.. at 82... she's still got it! 

my mom divorced march of 2010. she remarried in march of 2011. 

i'm going through similar emotions, credamochasgra, but i dont know what i've been so worried about... P.I.M.P. blood is CLEARLY running through my veins!! hahaha, good luck, hun!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh.

Children bring out the worst in parents. From what you have written, your husband is easily irritated, unable to control his temper, critical, unforgiving and inflexible. That is such a bad set of character traits for a parent.

Think of one of the times that your husband said something critical to you that shredded your feelings. Now imagine him doing it to a child. Children's sense of self is so vulnerable. It's so easy for an unthinking or impatient adult to knock them down. 

Something about your own children calls to the unevolved, reactionary part of a parent's brain. It takes so much work not to react from that reptile brain, and everyone fails. I'm pretty easygoing and basically very rarely get angry. I work with children, im a trained Montessori teacher. I know a lot about child development and what is reasonable to expect. And yet, my own children can infuriate me like nothing else can. They also take me to the peak of joy, like nothing else can.

But it has taken a lot of work and conscious effort to not react negatively in stressful situations. From what you have written, your husband struggles with this with you. It will be 1,000 times more difficult with a child.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Credam
> Your husband 'is' a certain way. That's his core personality. As you are a certain way. It seems the way you are often triggers a bad/aggressive/angry response from him.
> 
> It is not possible to tell if he is very insecure (as you depict) or if you are often competing with him in some manner triggering his insecurities. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, it is also true that when you feel you are 'right' you sometimes seem a bit unaware of 'tone'.
> ...


What's the omega man?

Thanks everyone, even if they're tough pills to swallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I'm turning 44 next month and my youngest demons are 4 1/2 and 2. Healthy and wonderful. You have time - just need to move on to part two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm scared of the pain of going through a divorce. This hurts so much right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You'll be okay. You're strong and smart and sensitive. There are better days ahead.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Lyris said:


> I had my babies at 34 and 37. Perfect pregnancies, perfect births, easy breastfeeding, body snapped back into shape, no stretch marks. I could have easily had another one at 39 or 40/41/42 (I just turned 40) but my husband only wanted 2.
> 
> In terms of other examples, I have lots. None of my friends had babies in their 20s. One friend didn't meet her husband until she was 37, she has three children now. Another very close friend spent most of her 30s with a charming time-waster, finally left him at 37, met someone else at 38, lived with him for a year, didn't work out, met someone else at 40, totally fell in love, has just had her first baby, a gorgeous healthy boy, at 42. No need for fertility treatment or anything. I have another friend who got married at 33 and now has three gorgeous children aged 5, 3 and nearly 1. My best friend from high school hasn't married, but when she got pregnant unexpectedly in a casual-ish relationship when she was 37, she decided to have the baby and raise her as a single parent. The father is somewhat involved, but not in any kind of 50/50 way. Her little girl is 14 months now, and a delight. Another good friend from school left her partner of ten years last year, and had met and married her new husband within six months. I'm expecting a pregnancy announcement any day. She's 40.
> 
> ...


Re-read this whole thread tonight, especially this post. 
I'm working up to what I think I need to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Here's another couple of examples:

One of my uncles broke up with his first girlfriend when they were about 19 or 20. He married someone else, but they divorced 12 or so years later. Then, after a couple of years, he reconnected with his first love, they got married and had two children when she was 40 and 42. She had not married anyone else and had no other children. The kids are 18 and 16 now, and lovely. 

A friend I made after having my kids is young herself, but her mother had her first baby at 33 and went on to have four more! Her oldest (my friend) had her babies young, so her mum is a young grandmother, even though she was an older mother. 

Wishing you strength.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I know I'm late, but it's not too late! 32 is considered young, anyway =) I know how hard it is to walk away from a relationship (especially a marriage) that you've invested so much time in, and so much of yourself in. 

If you are sure you want to get out, I'd do it quickly, the more you drag it out, the harder it will be, and the less time you have to meet the right man for you.

On a good note, though, my boyfriend's sister had her two sons in her 30s, and her daughter when she was 43. 

Boyfriend's ex-wife was in her early 40s when she and my boyfriend divorced. She met her fiance 2 or 3 years ago, and (according to my boyfriend's son), he loves her and is very good to her, he loves her sons (she has one with b/f and one from a previous marriage), and they are getting married next year. 

So, yes, it can happen!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I might have to let go. Cut my losses. Stand up. Walk away.
> 
> I absolutely want to have a happy marriage and become a mother, raise a family. But I'm starting to lose faith that my husband is the person to do that with.
> 
> ...


My sister was around 42-43 when she decided she couldn't stay in a loveless marriage anymore. She has finally found the love of her life at age 50. (Well, they've been together two years now, so technically age 48). She's the happiest she's ever been. It's never too late.


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