# Separate or Too Late?



## Gir (Nov 12, 2012)

Hello everyone. I am new and desperately seeking some advice! I am completely lost and I feel as though speaking to those who are closet to me may result in bias, so I wanted to get some outside opinions. I apologize for the super long post in advance!!

To start, I've been married for 6 years to a great man. I know he loves me, he's stable, and I see us having a strong future if things get better. We have had our ups and down, but everything was fine until 2 years ago. We had just healed from a majorly tense year when his brother moved in with us and really strained our marriage. We never saw each other due to work/school, and it was just awful and tense. 

When his brother moved out, we began to breathe a little better and things got back to our normal, happy marriage. Then we took a trip. During this trip, things were fine until the last week. My husband lashed out at me in a manner that scared me and shocked me so badly that I considered buying a plane ticket home and leaving him. We were on a road trip and driving, but after this fight which escalated because I asked him not to do something that might injure him, he yelled at and cursed me so badly, out of the blue, that it hurt too much to even consider being in the same room with him. When we got to our lodging, I was so shaken I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours. 

We had NEVER had an experience like that before. Anyway, it shook me badly and I feel as though I've not recovered from it since. Just a year ago, he lashed out again in a similar manner. It wasn't as bad, but still so hurtful I cried for hours and it was over something simple like working out properly! Nothing that even remotely needed such anger to come from him. My husband has a dominate personality and he tends to disregard my feelings often. I often have been told that I am too submissive and I have given up so much (having children, moving all over the place away from my family, sacrificing beliefs, etc.) to make our relationship work. But he is a good man and I know he loves me.

Anyway, the argument hurt and reminded me of our trip fight which scared me. I feel as though I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since, but we've made it work as I've pushed my feelings aside to work on this because I love him. Unfortunately, another challenge has come. I don't feel as though I've completely healed from these lashings and I think it's been causing me to emotionally withdraw little by little over the years. Now, we've moved to a new state to start a new chapter, but I've met someone at work who started out as just a friend, but over the past few months it has turned into something else.

I have never considered even thinking about another man (other than the normal, natural attraction and human curiosity of course), but this person that I've met has really affected me. I know seeing someone every day for 8+ hours, spending time with them talking, having lunch, just getting to know each other....I know that leads to attraction and strong feelings. It was never sexual, but I feel as though I've emotionally crossed a line with this person who just started out as a friend. We coached each other on our relationships, shared and confided in one another, and we're just there for each other to listen to. 

He's currently going through a separation/divorce himself from a person who he married because she was pregnant, and she's made things difficult for him since (2 years that he's tried to do whatever to make her happy and keep her from taking his daughter away, but she uses that against him when he's tried to leave). We were just leaning on each other I suppose at first, but then it turned into something else. I started developing feelings for him (and vice versa) and now that he's moving on from his unhappy marriage, it's making me think about my own problems. He'd been working to make himself more stable on his own so that he could leave his wife and take care of his daughter for a year before we ever met, so he's not leaving for me, just to clarify!

He's got flaws, it's not like I think he's a solution to my problems with my husband, but we want the same things out of a relationship that my husband seems to be ignoring. I've tried to work things out with my husband by sharing my feelings about how those arguments hurt me, how he's too controlling, and how I feel he ignores my opinions and feelings because he thinks he's always right, but it only temporarily fixes things. He'll listen, apologize, and we'll get along perfectly until he does it again....and again...and again. I feel like he just apologizes to get me to shut up, but in the end still feels his way of "running" our marriage and preparing for our future is the right and only way. 

Anyway, it doesn't seem like communication works, and it's worse because we don't see each other as much since we both work full time. My job requires a lot of overtime often, and my friend/coworker is always there. I've tried to distance myself from him emotionally, but he feels the same as I do, if not stronger and it's hard for both of us because he knows the stress it puts on me given the situation and I'm sure he's stressed as well and the stress it would put on my husband to know I've been emotionally confiding in another just kills me inside, but I can't help it. I just keep thinking about how much I love my husband, but I'm afraid that I've withdrawn so much over the past few years and that this new person has just shown me how much I've actually pulled away. 

It's difficult because I do love my husband. I've never cheated on him or anyone because I could never allow myself to go that far. We've always said that if we found someone else, we should tell each other and separate rather than cheat. But I'm not sure if that's what is best. I have never actively gone out looking for something outside of my marriage, and I feel terrible guilt for even letting myself grow so attached to another man emotionally. I don't know if it's making me more miserable because my husband isn't listening and I'm feeling walled up, or because I've met this other person who I care for and am curious about a future with if things didn't work out with my husband. He's someone who's wants closer mimic my own, more so than my husband's do currently and that terrifies me.

I just don't want that to influence how I handle my marriage. I want to work it out with my husband, but he's not changing. I keep talking with him about my feelings of withdrawal and walling up weekly, but he shrugs it off. I don't want to hurt him, but if he doesn't listen to the things that I feel are causing me to withdraw, then what can I do?

I'm lost and the guilt and feeling like a terrible person for allowing myself to get this caught up is killing me. We had 4 wonderful years of just an amazing marriage, but after he lashed out at me and attacked me emotionally, I haven't been able to shake it..... My feelings for the other person aside, is it better to separate and give myself time to figure out what if it's worth it to keep feeling this way ...or should I just stick it out and continue with our marriage being like this?


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

If you were to be really honest with yourself, would you say that you really do love your husband? Are you staying with him out of guilt, a sense of duty, fear of the unknown?
You say he is very controlling.... are you prepared to live with that?
You are doing a lot of justifying your position for staying but will you ever really find happiness by staying where you are?
If you follow your heart you can never make a mistake... It may seem like it sometimes that you are but they will all be the necessary steps to finding happiness - and yourself.
I am not trying to tell you to leave; I'm trying to tell you to follow your heart and not be afraid of making 'mistakes'.
Look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
All the best to you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

>> I've been married for 6 years to a great man. I know he loves me, he's stable, and I see us having a strong future if things get better.<<

see that bit---hold onto that bit.....
....you could change you....see what happens in your marriage

be careful chickadee-been there done that-BIG REGRETS..BIG...And sometimes it takes a decade or more to realise ok x

read good stuff...change you...then see


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

> I do love my husband. I've never cheated on him or anyone


hmm... Really??? :scratchhead:

Anyway, there is no way that you will be able to see the conflicts in your marriage clearly until you have first STOP cheating...


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## Madly (Nov 11, 2012)

I am married to a controlling man for 28 years. You can not change them only yourself. 

The issue seems that you have become afraid of the man you say you love. Are you prepared to turn your entire life over to someone else to manage for you. It happens very slowly and before you know it you will never have a say in any decisions. Oh and don't fool yourself the older they get the more controlling they become because your self image and confidence is sucked right out of you. I am living that now and trying to rebuild my self image and self confidence. 

As for your friend. It is nice to have someone to confide in and be on your side especially if they are nice to you and make you feel good. DO NOT be alone with this friend.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Gir --

Get and read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You and your coworker ARE having an emotional affair. As long as you have contact with this OM you will not have a clear head. If in doubt, head over to the coping with infidelity board to read about how destructive EAs are.


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## trinidadchick (Oct 24, 2012)

LOOK, don't focus too much on the guy but rather, the reasons why you were attracted to him in the 1st place. People mouth off about how bad affairs are but most are merely SYMPTOMS of an unhappy relationship, unless you are serial cheater. The 1st part of your post saying why you love your husband was really logical sounding...well he's stable, he's that, he's this, so yeah, I should love him, right?! Do you love your husband in the way you think a woman should love a man? How do you define love...is the relationship with the other guy going to go anywhere? Maybe that dude will be the grease out the door, or maybe not.


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## trinidadchick (Oct 24, 2012)

I'm with LiamN! i agree with his post 100% the reasons for loving your H sounded like you were trying to rationalize why you love him!


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