# Confused...



## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Husband told me a few months ago that he is not in love with me. He doesn't "wish anything bad on me". He has had 2 affairs over the years. I forgave and moved on. We've been in MC for the past few months. It seems as if he is stuck and not sure if he should leave or work on the marriage. I've caught him in several white lies over the past few months. It is frustrating. How do others deal if you choose to wait it out? Or how do you know when to walk away? Separation has come up a few times. Seems like I am the one pushing for it. He tells me I am putting the cart before the horse.


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## discern (Jan 1, 2013)

Sorry to hear about this Heidi, it must be nerve wracking. What happens to you if you are waiting for him to decide?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He is most likely involved in affair #3.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Yep, affair#3 is what I suspected. He had an app on his phone to message so I could not view his text messages on phone bill. He lied about having this account but I busted him when I made my own account and found him on it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

That's his 3rd strike.

Stop wasting time on his lying and cheating @$$.

File for D. You deserve better.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Hi Heidi, I'm new here too but have been lurking for awhile. Lots of good stuff here to read. Bottom line is, he's gonna keep cheating. You might consider that there ARE good men out there and you deserve better.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for responding.... I think you all are right..It's a pattern now and he isn't going to change. 25+ years together and the latest incident is an online relationship with someone that lives on the other side of the states. Seems crazy to throw your life away for someone you haven't met in person. My belief kept me in this the first two times. Also, i thought my children deserved to live in one house and not be shuffled between two homes. They are 17 and 20 now. Now.. I do think i deserve better.

I'm trying to work on 180 now. Some days are more successful than others.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Awesome. I am attempting the same myself.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Heidi you don't deserve that treatment, no one deserve it, as you say is a pattern he will not change, the most you forgive the most he will see it as he can keep doing it without consequences, you may not see it like a good thing right now but he is making you a favor by telling you that he is not in love and he does not want to try anymore, you can do so much better.

he is opening the door for you to detach so you can begin a new life without his toxic influence


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Cake eater.

The horse is him. 

If he wants to be married, go to a lawyer with a post nup.

I don't know if it is enforcible but it would make a great start to kicking his cheating tuchas to the door


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Clip clop-what is a post nup? I plan to see an attorney after the holidays. H plans to move out in January. Although, i've heard this several times over the past few months and haven't seen any sort of action in that direction. I've asked him for copies of bank statements and credit cards he has so I can take info when i visit attorney. He told me I was proceeding through too fast.


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## mammal (Dec 29, 2013)

He is stalling. He is most likely trying to arrange it to where he has more than his share of the assets.....or maybe he has grown so "comfortable" with his life that he wants to keep everything the same...including the cheating.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

So when he said he doesn't love you anymore, where did it go from there? Did he announce he's moving out? That he wants a divorce? Has it already been decided that the marriage is over? What else has he shared with you?


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

When he made his announcement back in Sept., we started MC and he started IC. When I checked the phone records (after his announcement) I noticed lots of call and text to a number. I confronted him. He claimed it was an online "friend". I asked him to end contact immediately. Something still didn't feel right. He was distant and very protective of his phone. I would try to get a hold of it in the night while he was sleeping. He would immediately wake up. It was password protected. I checked our computer and certain files are password protected, internet history deleted etc..
Last week, I was finally able to get a hold of the phone and saw an icon for Kik messenger. I confronted him. He denied. I found his user name and confronted him with his picture of his account. He hasn't owned exactly what he was doing but went back to the not being in love with me speech. He is staying in the basement and is suppose to be looking for a place....
This weekend, He gave me a pricey bottle of wine. I call it the guilt wine. Tonight he came in like things were normal and asked if I wanted to watch tv with him. I declined and back to the basement he went. He tells me that I probably would not like who he really is. So not sure what is going on in his head...It seems like he wants the normal day to day stuff like grocery shopping, eating together but doesn't want to talk about what is really going on-whatever he is doing on the side..


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Heidi, 

Im sorry your here, but I'm really sorry because your hubs is an a**. He deserves no better than the basement, if even that. 

I know how hard it is to try to sort out a long term marriage, as I too am a bs, and I too have a son. But you know what, the reality is, everything changes when infidelity is introduced into a marriage. It fvcks it up for both people. Both psyche takes a hit, the soul of the marriage is assaulted. 

He's been nasty for way to long. Just for even being w him after the first time should make him so freaking humble that he'd do whatever he had to to prove to you that you would never regret taking him back. Throw him out, tell him to go to the ow. You don't want him anymore. 

~sammy


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

He told me this morning that he wants a divorce so I guess that answers that question....


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Heidi, 

Go to the book store, find a book on D "women style."

Google Jeff Lander, D information for women, mistakes they cant afford to make! 

Tell you hubs, "Thank you! Now you know you will be able to live your life the way you want and the way it should be!" Open the door for him, and show him the way out, and tell him, "You'll watch for the papers in the mail! Your lawyer will look over them, and return as asap if you both agree to the terms!!!" Have a pleasant look on your face, walk him arm & arm to the car, tell him you hope the ow loves his farts! 

Hang in there Heidi!!!! You have 2 of the most important people in the whole wide world with you right now that will help make things okay, your two soon to be grown sons who love their mom. 

I have very little room to speak, but we've got to 'believe' things will be ok... 

~sammy


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks Sammy... I needed a good chuckle this afternoon... He came home from work and made the announcement to the girls as well. I'll look for that book and try to press forward.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am serious!!!!!!! 

~sammy


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He is looking for true love. It is somewhere but not in the basement. In the basement the is a cake eater. Tell him to sweep up the crumbs on the way out.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

May I ask if you have kept yourself attractive all these years? Are you still that smoking hot woman he fell in love with? Or have you let yourself go? 

I'm not condoning cheating but wonder why anyone would consider throwing away everything they had.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Not as trim as I was when we got married. However, I was only 19 then. I am 41 now so I do have some wear and tear but I do exercise, keep my hair cut etc.. Actually, his last two were nothing I was jealous of...they were complete opposites of me. He was 21 when we married and 43 now so he does have some wear and tear as well.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm close in age to women such as Michelle Pfeiffer, Sharon Stone, Bo Derek, Christy Brinkley, Peggy Lipton, etc.I grown up watching these women age. So if you think these women have aged well, then you'ld think I did ok too, but I've had no help along the way, and people always think I'm 2o yrs younger than I am. 

~sammy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heidi2005 said:


> Husband told me a few months ago that he is not in love with me. He doesn't "wish anything bad on me". He has had 2 affairs over the years. I forgave and moved on.


Well, there you go. You forgave - showing you wanted him no matter what he did - and you move on - showing him you would not respect yourself more so as to expect more from him.

Both actions proved to him that you are not worth respecting or fighting for.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

We talked this evening about where/when he is moving out. Since he made the big announcement, I thought he would have a plan. No plan. No funds to move out he says. He wants to continue to reside in the basement until he saves money. The house is turned upside down..Not sure why he involved the kids at this point. I know for sure he'll leave by June because he is getting deployed. I told him to rent a storage unit for his belongings because my plans are for him to return from his deployment at another address. I saw an attorney yesterday so I am starting that process.
Anyway, at our talk this evening, I looked and I saw a broken man. He was crying about what he is doing to the girls, crying because he doesn't know who he is and blah blah... I realized during that moment, this is all for the best and I got a renewed sense of strength. I told him the past two nights, I have slept better than I have in months! His eyes got big and he told me he hasn't slept at all.. Good!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to send him to a psychologist.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I did back in the fall. He went to three sessions and concluded that he wasn't in love with me. He hasn't been back since his conclusion.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Mirror back to him what he's been showing you. 

~sammy 

((as if I should talk, sigh))


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heidi2005 said:


> I did back in the fall. He went to three sessions and concluded that he wasn't in love with me. He hasn't been back since his conclusion.


Well, then, he should have nothing to cry about, I guess.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

He is still living in the basement. He doesn't seem to have a plan. I presented him with a separation agreement last week. I'm not sure if he has looked over it or not. For someone that wanted out, he seems to be dragging his feet. My emotions seem to cycle by the hour-angry, sad, happy, confused can happen all in a day!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't worry about it. It's really very typical. People like him are just running on pure emotion. No logic.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

He is still in the basement...hasn't made an effort to move out or help with any household repairs. He claimed he would stay for a few months to help with repairs. He did manage to total a vehicle and buy another one the very next day! 

So I've taken matters in to my own hands. I contacted an attorney and am having a separation agreement drawn up. He said "ok" to basically all the terms. We'll see if he signs it... I also contacted a realtor to put house on the market. I don't want the upkeep on it so when it sells, he will definitely have to go!

A few days ago, he told me he was thinking about us. My response was- "what us? You've blown the us up". He told me that he didn't want to give me "false hope". That made me so angry because why does he think I would want his lying, cheating a** back??? Now I laugh about the comment... I see more clearly than a few weeks ago...this does really need to happen. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but it is the right thing for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad to see this growth in you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hang in there Heidi, 

You are taking control of your life! No more limbo for you! 
~ sammy


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