# Polyamory and threesome - wife is interested - what to do?



## tazunemono

First post, Hi All!

I'm 33/M/married w/2 kids (2 and 5)

Over the past few months, my wife and I began 'opening' up sexually and emotionally. Prior to that, I battled depression, drugs (prescription) and alcoholism, and have since cleaned up with the help of a lot of changes to myself, physically and emotionally, including therapy and AD's. My wife had postpartum depression with my 2nd child, and also had a very tough time with grad school. We supported our relationship as best we could, but it became apparent that things were going downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn on meth.

My wife has given me 2 beautiful kids, and I love her very much. However, over the past few years, It's become more apparent that I'm not a monogamous person (I believe in polyamory, just haven't practiced it with my wife yet). It's not a simple case of having my cake and eating it too - I feel like I'm not complete without another partner to share emotional/physical love with. As a result of our situation (wife in grad school, 2 kids, etc.) and compounded by sexual frustrations, I sought out this love elsewhere without my wife's consent. I now realize that this was a huge mistake for me, and have made every effort, including couples therapy and a total dedication to my wife, towards restoring her trust. Through therapy and talking openly, my wife and I agree we went through a phase of not being very honest with each other about our sexual needs and desires, and failed as a couple to meet our acknowledged needs. On a nutshell, we are slowly changing, and becoming more sex-positive. Since 2009, we've gotten into toys, porn, TONS of lingerie (hot!) and even opening up our relationship...now SHE's picking out porn to watch with ME, together! e also hit up sex shops for new 'acquisitions'

Background - I 'cheated' (defined as having a relationship with another woman unknown to my wife and without her consent) with 3 girls over 2008-2009, in order:
1. Amy was a friend from work, and we forged quite the emotional bond. She was engaged, and I took her to lunch a couple times, probably could have taken it further but I didn't. Amy was a pretty hot girl, 8/10
2. Jane was an old friend I reconnected with, she's recently divorced and was looking for someone to unload on. I ended up making out with her and fooling around a bit. She was also an 8/10.
3. Holly was a runner who I met at a team relay race. She was 7/10 but soooo ****ty, and we had sex one night last Nov. Amazing, fantastic sex.

My wife knows about all these women, because I told her everything. I want to experience everything with my wife. I can no longer lie to her that I do not desire other women; in fact, I do! I have learned this is against the rules in monogamous relationships, so the first part of our life together, as a monogamous married couple, is over. A new phase is beginning in our relationship, defined as 'pre-affair' and 'post-affair'...

In this new poly relationship. it is important to me that she be my 'primary' forever. No other woman who I've ever been with is so interesting, beautiful, and deeply caring as my wife. I don't want to ever disrespect her by 'cheating' on her again, and I told her flat out that I want to sleep with other women only with her permission, and only if I thought my needs (or hers) were not being met. If her needs are sleeping with other men, then that's fine by me as well (as long as I'm 1 out of 2, or as long as she clears it with me and we have a deep discussion first!)

So anyways, long story short - lying in bed the other night, I was telling her about sleeping with Holly - what transpired on our 'date' This was making her pretty hot (and me too!). Then, I mentioned that Holly had asked, after a few drinks, if my wife wanted to take part in a threesome. At the time, I said 'No'. My wife seemed shocked by this 'nugget' and said, "who ever said I didn't want to have a threesome?"

So this got me thinking...I'd planning to take my wife out on Sat. night for drinks/dancing, and want to play a little 'game' with her, trying to pick up another woman. Any thoughts for this? Ex. i could ask her to pick out someone attractive and then I could go chat her up, or my wife could, then we'd start talking to her together, buy her a drink, etc...I want to make it safe and fun for my wife, so we need some ground rules.

If all else fails, I'll take her to PT's strip club and buy her a lap dance

Appreciate advice from men/women with threesome or poly relationships. I realize this may take some time to work on.

P.S. I am reading 'the ethical ****' and this is a great book!


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## HindSight

I wanna come out to play too!! ...But my husband would kill me. . Ok, for basic ground rules/suggestions.

1) Doing a 3-some often _sounds_ hot to women (especially straight women). But actually seeing their husband touched by another woman can end the fantasy in a heartbeat. This may not apply for you guys, but (if I were you) I would highly recommend that you start the game with something like: "let's find both a man, and a woman to play with". I wouldn't plan on bringing anyone home that night. Instead, I'd warm her up to the _emotional sensation_ of seeing another woman touch you, and let her boost her own self confidence by seeing you allow another man to touch and desire her. That will really help her feel like it's a 2-way street instead of you just wanting "more" than her. Because, if she's not bi-sexual by nature, she may feel a little "wanting" if you're the only one being lavished over. I'm straight and having a woman flirt with me doens't do anything for me. Feeling like I'm in control telling another woman to give my husband a hummer...that I like. Him asking another woman for a hummer...that would really hurt me. Regardless of why, it's just true. If I get to pick her and tell her what to do to him, it's hot. Anything else would just devastate. 

2) Definitely ask her what type of woman she would want to bring to you. The last thing you want is you picking a woman in the crowd who makes your wife feel insecure about herself. She may not mind big boobs, but she may have a problem with a perfect set of teeth. Prevent insecurity issues by letting it be HER pick. It will let her feel more in control and less "left behind" or "tagging along". (?) Not sure how to say it.

3) Maybe ask her what sort of things she'd be willing to do with another woman. Help her visualize the details before being thrown into the real situation - which could ignite cold feet for future fun. Would she kiss? Touch? Touch what? What is the other woman allowed to do to you? What will your wife not permit? If you wife would be devistated to see you kiss another woman on the lips: that would be good to know.  What would she_ like_ to see happen? ...Maybe let her set a goal and see if she can make it happen. That will boost her ego too.

4) Once you're there at the club, before you start playing, ask her if she wants a "cue" to let you know she wants to stop playing. Something that lets her _let you know_ she wants to go (or, skip to a different woman), without looking like a snot to the other woman. Nothing is worse for us than having to say, "I know you're having fun honey, but it's time to go." _ ...uhhh..ok MOM!_ (She won't want to feel like that).

Well, those are my ideas. Never actually had a 3-some, but have fantasied about it with my husband, and that is how I'd want him to go about it. 


ugh. you're killing me. my saturday night won't be nearly as fun. (

 Have fun!


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## steve71

@tazunemono:

A few words of caution: I've done it, lost two great friends as a result and they later split up and lost the love of their lives. Threesomes can release very powerful feelings and can erupt even in the most urbane people with very destructive results.


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## AlexNY

tazunemono said:


> ... 2 kids (2 and 5)... I'm not a monogamous person ... I believe in polyamory ...


You want to have sex with many different partners, you dug up the authoritative sounding word "polyamory" to make your desires appear legitimate, and now you are asking for people to validate your wacky plan.

Before you had children, it was your life to do with as you pleased. After all, whether it is "anorexia", "gambling", "alcoholism", "self-mutilation", "substance abuse", "suicide", or "polyamory" ... the only victims are you and those who choose to be with you. I find it sad, but I agree, it is your choice.

This is different. You have children now. You are putting their futures at risk for your addiction. They did not ask to come into this world, and *they deserve better than parents who play Russian roulette with the family fabric that they depend upon for physical and emotional sustenance.*

After you children are 18, you can mess up your life as much as you want. Until then,_* it is not your life to mess up.
*_
Good luck.


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## Lifeisquick

Man...this website has made me very very afraid of marriage. One might think that it's only because people with troubled marriages will come here, but when I think about it, I know of not a single married couple who truly seems happy together. The single person who they always make fun of for never finding someone always seems happier. Even when they seem fine, you eventually hear that they cheated on each other some time ago.

I think generally weve evolved to love someone 2-10 years, because thats when youll have a kid or two. Afterward, I think youre programmed to move on (because those who did had more kids...this is how it works)

Divorce freaking sucks.

I think I agree with alex though, wait till your kids are a little older, or make 100% sure nothing will get screwed up if your wife sees someone else touch you and the same for you.


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## Momof3kids

@tazunemono -

As someone new to the idea and practice of polyamory, I'm not sure that I'm the one to give advice, but here are my two cents...



tazunemono said:


> In this new poly relationship. it is important to me that she be my 'primary' forever. No other woman who I've ever been with is so interesting, beautiful, and deeply caring as my wife. I don't want to ever disrespect her by 'cheating' on her again, and I told her flat out that I want to sleep with other women only with her permission, and only if I thought my needs (or hers) were not being met. If her needs are sleeping with other men, then that's fine by me as well (as long as I'm 1 out of 2, or as long as she clears it with me and we have a deep discussion first!)


Three comments here. 
1) Make sure that her position as your primary is well defined. She's the mother of your children, your partner in life, the person you make decisions with, etc. You've already began working on being open and honest with each - that absolutely MUST continue. Our rule is that if you lie about it, it's cheating. If you are open and honest, no harm, no foul, no repercussions. 
2) A threesome is VERY different from polyamory. Make sure that you establish boundaries for both types of activities.
3) Be absolutely sure that you can handle her sleeping with other men or women. Not in theory - in practice.



tazunemono said:


> I want to make it safe and fun for my wife, so we need some ground rules.
> 
> 
> Appreciate advice from men/women with threesome or poly relationships. I realize this may take some time to work on.


If you want to make it safe and fun for your wife, establish ground rules very early on - before either of you are actively engaged in outside relationships or attempt a threesome. We wrote a contract which details each party's responsibilities to our family and to each other (example - required couple's night once per week). We wrote the contract together, negotiated the terms, and ultimately signed it. With the ground rules established, there was much less conflict for us. 

We wish you luck!


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## AlexNY

Lifeisquick said:


> Interesting post and interesting replies. I'm only 22 and I joined to learn what marriage is really like and to get advice from people with experience.
> 
> This website has made me very very afraid of marriage. One might think that it's only because people with troubled marriages will come here, but when I think about it, I know of not a single married couple who truly seems happy together. The single person who they always make fun of for never finding someone always seems happier. Even when they seem fine, you eventually hear that they cheated on each other some time ago.
> 
> I think generally weve evolved to love someone 2-10 years, because thats when youll have a kid or two. Afterward, I think youre programmed to move on (because those who did had more kids...this is how it works)
> 
> Divorce freaking sucks.
> 
> So I think I'll wait till at least 30 something to get married. And make sure its the absolute perfect human.
> 
> I think I agree with alex though, wait till your kids are a little older, or make 100% sure nothing will get screwed up if your wife sees someone else touch you and the same for you.


Do not be afraid. Marriage to my wonderful wife is the closest thing to heaven that I could ever hope for.

After 10 years of marriage, we have never had a fight. The only moderately serious disagreement we have had in 10 years was because my wife's doctor told her that she was burning herself out and had to take it easy for medical reasons. So I told her she had to let me do more of the housework, which was a big problem because she is very particular about how things get done.

I never look at over women, all my sexual fantasies involve my wife (some are pretty weird), and I cannot imagine life without her.

Most married people are very happy, and say nothing to anyone. The only people who talk are the unhappy ones, complaining all the time. That is why unmarried people get so scared.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Good luck.


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## SweetiepieMI

I dont really have any advice on the situation but to TAKE IT SLOW. Other than that all i wanted to say was- Man you guys sounds like ur from the hbo show Big Love-


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## teahead

Well...your FIRST mistake was to squak about your infidelity. Keep that sh*t to yourself. Live with the guilt, but you didn't have to make your wife feel like crap so that you can resolve your inner demons.


Second...she's gonna have to want it as badly as YOU do. Is she bi?

Can she really handle seeing you with another woman? Imagine that you are her. While you're husband is f*cking and s*cking on another girl, would I be turned on or jealous?

My wife and I sorta been in an open marriage. We've had a couple foursomes with a couple, we had a couple threesomes with another guy, and we just started a threesome with another girl.

However, this last go around, I've learned that my wife really wants to control the situation and I think that how she treats her slight jealousy in me with another girl.

Sure enough, I felt I couldn't do what I wanted and just deflated the whole situation, so I recently told my wife to forget the whole thing; not worth it. If I can't be myself and have fun, what's the point?


Every couple is different, but seriously, if your marriage is not ROCK SOLID and CLEAR boundaries have not been set AND there is no danger that the 3rd wheel will not form some kind of inner emotional attachment to just ONE of you (if it forms between all three, then that's maybe cool and can lead to true Polyamory), then forget it. The whole thing will fall down like a house of cards and it will just breed resentment and hurt feelings.


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## CallaLily

tazunemono said:


> It's not a simple case of having my cake and eating it too - I feel like I'm not complete without another partner to share emotional/physical love with.



If its not cake eating, what is it? You say you you do not feel complete without another partner to share physical/emotional love with. Why? What's missing from you that you feel another person other than your wife needs to fill?

If monogmay is not for you then divorce your wife.


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## chattycathy

Polyamory is playing with fire.
You will more likely get burnt to not.

You can not control what the other people feel, do, decide.


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## teahead

Relationships is as simple as arithmetic.

N to the n power (i.e. N^N) = complexity.

N=the number of people in the relationship.

2 people in a relationship is 4x as difficult as just with one person (by yourself).

3 people = 27x as difficult with one person, and more than 6x as difficult as with just 2 people.

tazunemono, you sound like you want polyamory and not just swinging sex. It may be easier to divorce your wife and find others in the poly community who share your interests, rather than trying to convince your wife to be poly (remember, all three+ has to be in the loving relationship with each other; can't be one-sided).

Good luck!


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## Jamison

Sounds like your wife is up for that, lucky you huh? I bet she wants another man to be in a threesome with you as well. Most women (and rightfully so) would feel like crap if their husbands wanted/needed more than one woman to fullfill them physically and emotionally. Your wife must want the same for herself. Someone else other than you to fullfill her. Good luck to ya!


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## teahead

chattycathy said:


> Polyamory is playing with fire.
> You will more likely get burnt to not.
> 
> You can not control what the other people feel, do, decide.


Well...even if your monogomous, you can't "control" the other person. With Poly, things are a lot more unpredictable.

Also, with poly, how did you get there? It makes a difference; going into a relationship that's established with everyone being poly versus having a traditional, monogamous relationship and then converting that to be poly.

Your wife being the "primary" and others being "secondary"; is that how you'd want it? If that's the case, one must be ultra-careful in how much time and energy is being spent with either. A true poly "TRIAD" (where everyone is each other's primary) is rare and very difficult to incorporate when the 3rd-wheel enters an already-established relationship.

My wife and I having been experimenting with other people for awhile, but I have come to the conclusion that she is just too jealous of other women and will slowly ween away from the lifestyle and get back to monogamy. It's just easier to deal with and I don't want to end in divorce.


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## pidge70

OP posted this thread last year and never updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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