# Question



## davidmlesley (Mar 29, 2012)

What does it mean, when your wife tells you she feels like the marriage is over; however, she's not ready to file for divorce, she wants to wait. I believe, she has doubt in how she feels and I think that's what is stopping her from following through with it. She feels like she has tried everything she knows to have these "Head over the Heels Love" for me but it hasn't happened yet; however, she doesn't want to leave.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She waiting to see how things are going to work out with her boyfriend. If it works, she leaves you. If it doesn't work, she "decides" to stay and work on her marriage.

You're the backup plan.

She knows exactly how she feels. She is in love with another man, but doesn't know for sure if it is going to work out.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

:iagree:


DanF said:


> She waiting to see how things are going to work out with her boyfriend. If it works, she leaves you. If it doesn't work, she "decides" to stay and work on her marriage.
> 
> You're the backup plan.
> 
> She knows exactly how she feels. She is in love with another man, but doesn't know for sure if it is going to work out.


:iagree:


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I said and felt those things before I divorced my exH. There was no other man. I just didn't love my ex anymore, but I was afraid to make the leap. He put divorce on the table in hopes that it would cause me to change my mind about him. Instead, I was relieved that I could leave the marriage with a clear conscience because technically, he filed for the divorce. The problem wIth it was that heavy guilt set in later. Not regret about the divorce, but guilt about the pain my ex went through. She may be hoping you will pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Either way, the marriage is over and she's using you for a back-up plan.

Move forward with your life and try and find someone who truly cares for you.

Living a good life is the best revenge


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LuvMyH said:


> I said and felt those things before I divorced my exH. There was no other man. I just didn't love my ex anymore, but I was afraid to make the leap. He put divorce on the table in hopes that it would cause me to change my mind about him. Instead, I was relieved that I could leave the marriage with a clear conscience because technically, he filed for the divorce. The problem wIth it was that heavy guilt set in later. Not regret about the divorce, but guilt about the pain my ex went through. She may be hoping you will pull the plug.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i can see this as a viable reason.


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## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

DanF said:


> She waiting to see how things are going to work out with her boyfriend. If it works, she leaves you. If it doesn't work, she "decides" to stay and work on her marriage.
> 
> You're the backup plan.
> 
> She knows exactly how she feels. She is in love with another man, but doesn't know for sure if it is going to work out.


BEFORE jumping to conclusions, we don't know that this is the case. The OP has stated nothing of the sort! Maybe they are just having some difficulties that have not been indicated. Anything can be worked out!

OP, more information might be needed.............


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## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

airplane888 said:


> Instead of waiting, take the high ground and ask them to go to MC with you. If they don't then go without them, you need to own up to your half of why the marriage is not working. Have you stuck you head in the sand, are you enabling her to play both sides of the street? Man up and confront the issues in your marriage. It takes courage to fight for your marriage and to forgive those who have hurt you. MC is much cheaper than a divorce.
> 
> airplane


:iagree::iagree:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe you should spend some time with her. You posted another thread where you mentioned that you've been mostly overseas for the four years of your marriage. How can you not expect a disconnect when you're gone for so long?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It means that she FEELS like the marriage is over to answer your question. She expressed her self clearly there. 

I too think you should try MC and see if that helps. If she is willing to wait on a D then why not ask her to be willing to try to save your marriage? 

If you want to stay married then show her you are ready to fight for your marriage. ( I say show because action speaks louder then words so it will be noticed before words are really believed)

I do think more information would be helpful for thoes on TAM to help you


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## davidmlesley (Mar 29, 2012)

We have spent allot of time apart. For the last 20 months of our 4 year relationship (only married over 1 year now) I've been working overseas on DoD contracts. She feels like that shouldn't be an excuss on why she doesn't feel the way that she feels. For her, its about wanting to know with every fiber of her being that I am the husband she is suppose to have for the rest of her life (her quote). She wants to be head over heels in love with me and she says that she just hasn't felt that. That the love she has for me has staled, not grown any and she feels like she has put every ounce of effort into this but yet still feels like the marriage is over. She loves me and I believe her, not out of any self interest or feelings I have. I know this woman, so I am confident that there isn't another man. I am heart broken but surprisely calm about it, I feel with every ounce of me that this is a complete mistake and I can't explain why I feel that away. And trust me, its not because of my emotional state. I am fairly intune with my emotions and feelings, I wish I could explain how I know that this is a mistake but I cant. Typically thorughout our relationship we've been on different sides of the coin but when we're on the same page, we're unstoppable. I do feel as if her hormones are an issue in this because she's had a full hysterectomy (spelling?) at the age of 26 with no HRT afterwards. She seems pretty put off by it but things all changed at that point and never seemed to recover from it. We've had alot of outside issues and influence, family problems outside our own throughout our relationship that I felt has caused some of our grief but again she feels as if the holds no bearing. To her its about how she feels, she been tearful trying to get me to understand where she is coming from and like I said, I know this woman and I believe she is heart broken by this because in her head, I am the man she wants but her heart doesn't seem to be on board. Any thoughts now?


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## davidmlesley (Mar 29, 2012)

And a side bar, I know it's not a sex thing because she has said for years that I am the only one she trust to have sex with. And, honestly I believe her, I have never known this woman to lie. I know, I have trust issues of my own which is why this is so hard to understand. It feels like she's at a place where she tried everything but doesn't what to quite but doesn't know what to do, so she feels like its over. She's said, she hope feelings change and she wants them too but she's given it four years and nothing has happened. I mean, it is hard being told that your the perfect man in a womans mind, that I am the one she wants but her heart isn't there. And if it were anyone else, I feel like she was letting me down easily. But, I seen this woman cring her eyes out, heavily, wish it were different. Trying to find answer to what she wants. It's just I believe we, as a couple, haven't had a fair shot at a relationship because of all the turmoil we had starting off and the seperation... Like I've said, I know this is a mistake but I know isn't not because I am heart broken over this that makes me feel its a mistake. If you knew me and my past and chooses I've made in life, than you'd understand where I am coming from on that end. I just know that it's easy being on the outside looking in, and thinking, well she's cheating on you! Thats not it, it's deeper than that and I know she wants it but it hasn't happened yet...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

First thing you need to do is stop living overseas. Go home and live together as husband and wife. You two won't have a future together unless you live in the same geographic place. Long separations early in a marriage aren't a good thing. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Tell her you're moving back and ask her to give the marriage a second chance. 

It's quite possible the hysterectomy is influencing her emotions especially if she's not taking HRT. Talk to a doctor about this issue. ABC News recently had a story about a woman who after having a hysterectomy felt completely asexual. She and thousands like her gained some sexual response after they went on hormones. 

When you return home, make sure you two spend time talking, connecting, doing things that you enjoy doing together. Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.


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## spearcarrier (Apr 6, 2012)

Military wife speaking here: this means my husband spends a lot of time overseas. And we're talking about him taking a DoD job when his time of service is over. So I'm going to tell you what saved us and wish you the best.

He called me. Every. Day.

Well, okay, there were blackouts. And a regular joe wouldn't have been able to get a msg to me on those days. But even on those days he somehow found a way. (The blessings of being commo.) There were some times that I spent a week wondering if he was alive or dead, but I knew those were blackouts and that it wasn't him ignoring me.

He courts me constantly.

There was a time when I approached him about divorce. More than once, actually. It wasn't that I'd fallen out of love, I just wasn't sure of anything anymore and if I wanted this. You see, our marriage was being attacked constantly by three of his superior officers. I was even kicked out of the wives' club, cut off from any wife information, and isolated as an attack by his first sergeant. This happened during his second tour. He doubled his courtship. He called me constantly, told me EVERYTHING about his day, listened to me tell him my weird stuff, and put us on a teenager level. You know the level: where when you're teenagers you explore every single subject together.

When he's home (like now) every day is a day we're spending time together. Even if it's going to Walmart at 2 in the morning, it's our time together. He's constantly trying to date me. He knows that just because we're married he doesn't have me in the bag. I'm no animal to be captured.

During these past couple of years we watched other guys and girls go overseas with my husband. They'd call their spouses maybe once a week. And at first that was great for the spouses: they were so happy to hear from their other half. And then... it stopped being enough. So the guys and gals overseas were treating their time off as bachelor time and pretending their life at home didn't exist. And then they came home. And it no longer existed. It was so sad to watch.

So right now it's our hope that he gets a job that I can go with him on sometimes. I work at home so I wouldn't be able to do much, but we're okay with that. We know what to do. We more worry about that time he gets to go to some place I'm dying to visit - I wanna go too!!!! And as silly as that sounds, that's not a small hurdle. I have real issues with being left behind.

So I'd ask her to do MC with you. And if in MC she realizes she'd like to try again, good for you. Court her like never before.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Like others, I too think that you should get proactive in this. I feel bad that your wife is really hurting over this but there has to be a reason and there has to be HOPE!

Try MC, talking to her doctor, and the courting like thoes above me suggested. I really hope that you can get to the bottom of this.

I think you have got to try and start right now. I suggest that you start by writing down your love story and give it to your wife. I have mine writen out and keep adding to it and my H does too once in a while (I like getting to see what is meaningful to him). 
Don't forget to create new memories too. Take her to her favorite places, do activities together, and by good grace don't forget to say all thoes mushy things that you feel for her to her no matter how silly it may sound, TELL HER. 

Ok I went on long enough. Good luck and I hope that things turn around for you and your wife.


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