# lost



## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

We've been together for 9 years now. We have 3 young children together. It was lust at first sight... But we have done so much damage to each other. There has never been any cheating except one emotional affair that we both did. Sex is never an issue for us, we have mind blowing awesome sex. He says that he stays with me because of the kids and for comfort. For me it's for those reasons and others. We've been separated 3 times before, and he's left for overnights several times. He agreed to MC once.

Should I try? This past week I've been trying a completely different approach than before to our interactions and he's caught off guard. I've been the perfect wife. And we are still intimate at least every other night or every couple days (depending on the kids)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With the little bit you have given, I'd say give it another try. 

You do not way what your problems are or how you have hurt each other except for the EAs.

What have you done differently.


It might help for you to take a look at the books linked in my signature block for building a marriage. THey could help you quite a bit.


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

Sorry it's hard to say what I want to say especially if he might try to read it. I've tried a totally different approach this week to our cycle of problems and it's taken him off guard, he said on one hand he thinks it's a scheme, but the other, he's just taken off guard because he's seeing a different side to me.

I want more than anything to make this work. I've finally come to the realization that if I do, that I need to accept him for who he is, including his self-destructive behaviors that come along with him, as long as it doesn't hurt the children.

He put me in the driver's seat in the beginning of our relationship, and I let him. For the past 5 years he has been rebelling.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

If there's love left and any chance at all, work on it! Let him know this isn't a scheme but your seriousness about your love for him and your marriage


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

I did that. Thank you for your response. He's still weirded out. Wants us to spend a day/night apart.

I'm committed. That's why I initiated the MC again (last one didn't help much).

I forgot to add. When my strong independent woman emerges from her shell, he starts smothering me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Better question... do you WANT to try? Does he?


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

I do. I really do. I've given him 5 reasons of why I want to try, including one thing that I've never told him. His is only two. He says he's tired of trying. But yet he still continues to have "moments of weakness" as he calls it and wants sex. Or he still tells me he loves me. We have touched the subject of divorce, but mostly our discussions have been on clearing the air and reconnecting. He did unwife me on facebook yesterday because he said that he didn't know what we are.

and if he really wanted to go ahead and do it then he would've already. we did get to that point in april of last year. he said he's not sure if he's willing to give up the comfort yet.


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

he always tells me to do my own thing, but when i do, he gets all up in my face asking a million questions and following me around. things like that confuse me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hawaiigirl36 said:


> I do. I really do. I've given him 5 reasons of why I want to try, including one thing that I've never told him. His is only two. *He says he's tired of trying*. But yet *he still continues to have "moments of weakness" as he calls it and wants sex*. Or he still tells me he loves me. We have touched the subject of divorce, but mostly our discussions have been on clearing the air and reconnecting. *He did unwife me on facebook yesterday because he said that he didn't know what we are.*and if he really wanted to go ahead and do it then he would've already. we did get to that point in april of last year. *he said he's not sure if he's willing to give up the comfort yet*.


I bet. 

Still sleeping with you? I am shocked, shocked, I say!

Listen... if he un-wifed you on FB he sounds like a really mature guy. (sarcasm). Tell him tonight that you need to talk about where this is going. If he's UNSURE he wants to be married to you, stop rewarding him with sex and other wifely things.

Kinda sounds like he has one foot out the door.

Marriage counselling? You need to have a clear conversation with him to find out what yoU BOTH want. If it's not the same, dust yoru shoulders off and keep walking...away from him.


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

He says that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, but he still wants me in his life, and it's not just for the kids sake. But he's still digging in his heels. I told him that he can't have it both ways. Honestly, he still does not know what he wants yet. Hence the MC this weekend.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

hawaiigirl36 said:


> He says that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, but he still wants me in his life, and it's not just for the kids sake. But he's still digging in his heels. I told him that he can't have it both ways. Honestly, he still does not know what he wants yet. Hence the MC this weekend.



You must feel like you're going crazy


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hawaiigirl36 said:


> *He says that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, but he still wants me in his li*fe, and it's not just for the kids sake. But he's still digging in his heels. I told him that he can't have it both ways. Honestly, he still does not know what he wants yet. Hence the MC this weekend.


Then I would have told him No. Either you are in our marriage or out. Don't be his sidepiece. Sounds like he wants out but wants to keep you around for the emotional support til he cuts it off completely. Totally unfair.

YOU need to dig your heels in now and tell him what you will and won't accept.


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