# How to share finances as newlyweds?



## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Hi everyone, 

I recently got married and I am asking this question because I don't know other options except the one im in. I will try give out information as best as possible.

Before I got married, my family was neither poor and neither rich we had enough money for basic necessities but not enough money to do fun things, but we got used to it from a young age and my siblings and I understood our parents financial situation so we didn't ask for much. We were raised to never envy people with money but to feel that we already had everything, and we did. However, though my parents were kind of tight on money, my parents provided a lot better than families that had money. My point is they were giving and did the best they could. As a kid I always worked jobs so I wouldn't need to ask my parents for money. I don't know if it's in my personality or nature but I hate asking for money from them, just made me feel hopeless because I wanted to help them. 

Now that I am married, my husband and his family would be considered rich. My husband has his own business so he makes a lot from it. He has future plans to expand and to save. I understand his situation. But my issue is the way he deals with money with me.

I recently graduated with a law degree but im currently working for just experience. I have no form of income. What I feel is, since he's working and the one making the money he dictates how we deal with it. So we agreed that he would give me a set amount for grocery shopping and he would transfer money into my bank account a week with the set amount of 100 where it would be for personal things for me. I agreed because I as Zio don't ask for much and was raised like that nor do I know of another way. I also told him he needs to look after himself to remove old clothes and get new things. He's says 'don't you know how expensive the world is', I told him if he buys some new clothes he will go broke. I and even my family who didn't have much money always put an effort in buying new clothes and removing old things. My husband and his family don't do this, he has taken from his dad to keep wearing something till its ripped. This stuff bothers me, and he just laughs it off and says life if expensive and he already has clothes. If he has the money I don't understand why he doesn't buy clothes. He can spend so much money on food or take out but on personal things for himself he won't. 

Now I feel like him and his parents have taken advantage of my kindness and humbleness as a way like 'she will accept anything we give her'. That's what I am afraid of. When I work and start earning I will help him but I will be more sharing with handling finances.

Am I being too harsh, is this a right way with dealing finances? How else do others work finances together?

Thanks for reading


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Your husband seems to be really tight on a dollar which is probably why he and his family have a lot of them.

Anyway I am a SAHM and here is what we do: out of my husband's salary we each get spending money on the 15th and 30th. It is $200.00. It is used for eating out individually including lunch for my husband at work, getting my nails done, hair etc. If I want to spend more in a certain let's say 200.00 for a pair of shoes then I know I have to do my own hair and nails and can't pick up anything at the food court if I'm out shopping. We save what we don't spend and keep it for our own personal stash. 

We have a budget for groceries and other household stuff like toiletries, washing powder, cleaning products, etc. The budget for this is separate from our spending money and it also comes from his salary. So I don't have to worry about saving money from this budget for spending money. The budget amount is pretty much for reference and I try to stick to it but if I don't it's no big deal. It is put on a credit card which is paid off every month. 

We also have a credit card for clothes, diapers, fees such as swimming lessons, baby gym for our 3 kids. This credit card has a low credit limit so that we can stay in budget.

For Christmas we have a Christmas club savings at the credit union for $5000.00. He pays into it every month. We use it for family gifts, gifts for the kids, Christmas decorations, Christmas entertainment and activities. 

All other bills are paid from my husband's salary such as mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, utilities. 

We also have the following accounts which he pays into monthly: 
Regular savings
5 years worth of salary in case of salary loss (we're up to about 2 years worth now) 
College fund for the kids
College help for nieces and nephews
House and car repairs/maintenance
Vacation (We haven't taken one in 4 years!)
New car fund so that if we need one we can pay cash for it

And yes all these accounts are separate and contributed to monthly. If any get over a certain amount it goes into our investment account

I know this will sound uncomfortable to some folks but sometimes I "ask" my husband if I can get a new phone, new tablet, or go on a shopping trip for clothes outside my spending money. I know we can afford it but I just feel like he busts his butt to provide for us so I ask out of respect. He will usually joke about me spending all of "his" money but he never says no because I don't over do it with requests like this.

This all being said if he wants something he buys it and pretty much tells me he is either going to buy it or already bought it. This is regardless of how much it costs. I have to admit I don't like it that much because I ask first but I guess that's just the give and take of him being the sole wage earner. And he does not spend selfishly on himself.

Hope this helps.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are lots of different opinions on this, mine is:

When you are married you have made a lifelong commitment to someone so you share everything. If you are not sharing, why are you married?

So, there is no "his" money and "her" money, its all shared. All income goes into a common account. All expenses are paid out of that account. Then what my wife and I do is take some amount of our income an allocate it into each of our on "fun" budgets. The idea is that the "fun" budgets are for guilt-free expenses. This includes car purchases beyond a nice functional econo-box. My flying expenses. Her hobby expenses. Things like that. 

Financial situations change over time. When we got married I was a very poor grad student, her family was fairly wealthy and she had a real job. Most of the income was hers. Gradually my income increased until it was substantially larger than hers. I was the big contributor. Then she inherited a substantial amount of money. All that time we just combined and split money and its worked well.


An example of the opposite is a couple who kept their money separate. That was OK while they both worked. Then he got a few million$ from a startup and retired. His feeling was that "OK, I've made my lifetime contribution to our finances". So, for the next ~20 years she has been working full time to cover her expenses while he is retired and using his money to go on vacation etc. Its technically "fair" but it sure doesn't feel fair.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

it's a bad start for the family


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

thefam said:


> Your husband seems to be really tight on a dollar which is probably why he and his family have a lot of them.
> 
> Anyway I am a SAHM and here is what we do: out of my husband's salary we each get spending money on the 15th and 30th. It is $200.00. It is used for eating out individually including lunch for my husband at work, getting my nails done, hair etc. If I want to spend more in a certain let's say 200.00 for a pair of shoes then I know I have to do my own hair and nails and can't pick up anything at the food court if I'm out shopping. We save what we don't spend and keep it for our own personal stash.
> 
> ...


I like this. An old woman once told me, "it's not how much he makes but how much you save. And you show your husband respect by respecting how he earns his money and learn to save it". I was young when I heard this and I was like WTF....but now that I am older, I can see the wisdom in it. 


OP, there is a reason your H and his family has money. Because they don't spend it and are very thigh fisted with it. I would highly recommend you find yourself a part job while you are doing your internship, to get some pocket money for yourself. If your husband can live with what he has let him be...once he is clean and smelling good. 

Also, you might want to do a budget with all the household expenses and monthly living expenses and both of you go see a Financial Planner. With an unbiased opinion the CFP should be able to guide you both on how to achieve what you both want. Get you to a happy medium where your husband can see that he can still save for his business expansion and the future, while giving you a bit of a leeway with the funds. 

Good luck.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

The thing is its not that they don't spend it, they spend it on investing properties and building properties and then selling them. He does give me a weekly allowance. But ever since we've been married nothing has changed we don't have a shared bank account just my account that I've always used and that's where he puts my weekly allowance in. Before we got married he put his business as a partnership with me but that's only to lower his taxes from a sole business owner. Other than that I don't have any access to his bank accounts nor do I even know how much he has or what account he withdraws money from. He just wants me to ask and he will give me if its 'reasonable'. He says that once he reaches his goal and achieves a company and I get my own firm every thing will be different and we will be more free. But I still feel like it will be the same because hes like that.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Wow, 100 NIS isn't enough for hardly anything considering how expensive things are over there. If I was in your situation I'd make a budget including personal and family expenses and propose changes based on the budget. Usually people that wrapped up in their finances know where their money is going and need some sort of justification to change, so you just need to figure out how to justify what you need and what you two can afford based on his long term investment plans.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

zio said:


> The thing is its not that they don't spend it, they spend it on investing properties and building properties and then selling them. He does give me a weekly allowance. But ever since we've been married nothing has changed we don't have a shared bank account just my account that I've always used and that's where he puts my weekly allowance in. Before we got married he put his business as a partnership with me but that's only to lower his taxes from a sole business owner. Other than that I don't have any access to his bank accounts nor do I even know how much he has or what account he withdraws money from. He just wants me to ask and he will give me if its 'reasonable'. He says that once he reaches his goal and achieves a company and I get my own firm every thing will be different and we will be more free. But I still feel like it will be the same because hes like that.


So when you have your own money and he doesn't have to contribute a cent to the running of the household then everything will be ok.Calling your husband "not generous" is a joke,him and his family are a pack of misers and the reason they have money is they never spend any of it,just invest in other money making schemes.
You need to put your cards on the table here because you are setting yourself up for a life of penny pinching misery otherwise.
Under no circumstances get pregnant to this guy,you will never have a cent to call your own and how degrading for any woman to have to ask their husband for money for basic items.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Now it's beginning to sound a little dangerous like it could end up being physically abusive. Do you have a concern in this regard?


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

thefam said:


> Now it's beginning to sound a little dangerous like it could end up being physically abusive. Do you have a concern in this regard?


No, I know that he loves me and will never be physically abusive. It's just his mindset and how he was raised is different to how my family raised me - so there is a clash.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The mechanics of what he gives you and how often is one thing, but you should have knowledge of his accounts at least, if not outright access. In other words, make a list of every bank account and investment account he has. 

Once every month or two or three have a look at all the statements, at least the summaries. With knowledge you can talk about this allowance, maybe it's reasonable - or maybe it's super stingy .


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I are both from poor families. When we got married she had $500 in the bank and I had about $200. I went to school full time and held down 3 part time jobs. I bought our first new all brick house when I was 21 and money was never an issue anymore. I swore that I would never be poor again, and I worked hard to make sure of that. Over our 45 year marriage, we simply put all money into a joint account and we each had the same credit cards. We bought what we wanted within reason. No permission needed.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

zio said:


> I understand I have responsibility now that I am married but I didnt expect to ask permission everytime or ask for things or money like a child.


Unfortunately you are in position of the child - you live on allowance, you don't make money, you don't have your own kids to excuse your non-earning.
That's why your husband is controlling, he is like a father of the child (you). 

Men like this will never respect you unless you are totally independent.

You can try to earn respect in different way - showing your growing up, i. e. looking for extra income instead of going out. Only kids go out leaving parents to provide for them. Grown ups do their job first then go out.

I don't like men like your husband (I am married to one and can't bear his controlling attitude), but I've learned the way to deal with them. You have to be an equal partner to earn his respect. And he will never be generous unless there is a payback.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

We don't shop for food together. We use coupons and buy things on sale but really don't have a set amount to spend weekly or monthly. I really think I would have trouble with that.. But I do notice I can get carried away with no set budget. And there are other times that I ONLY buy what I need. My husband only buys what he needs-- nothing extra. As far as clothes, he is really tight about that. Again, only buys what he needs and doesn't like to buy new. He works in an office 5 days a week so I explained to him that he needs extra pants, shoes, belts, etc... If he wears the same thing each week, it will wear out faster then time and money is spent to 'mend' it or the trouble to find what he needs. He doesn't get the concept at all. As far as clothes for me-- yes, I have too many and TRY not to buy anything. If the kids or myself wear something that looks worn out, it goes in a goodwill pile.


There are so many ways to work around this that when you begin to work you'll both have to figure out what works best. My brother pays for most thing and his wife pays for all the food as well as household things. My friend and her hubby took turns paying the mortgage as well as other things.

I realize you are working for experience. How about a small part-time job to give you some spending cash? If not, try talking with your husband about this-- you should both feel comfortable about spending habits.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

zio said:


> I recently graduated with a law degree but I'm currently working for just experience. I have no form of income. What I feel is, since he's working and the one making the money he dictates how we deal with it. His parents despite having money, his dad gives his mom a set amount for grocery shopping and if she can save from that amount she can keep it for herself for personal matters.


I stopped here. First, you two are EQUALS. What does that mean? It means that you have 50% vote on all marriage decisions. But given his FOO, you are going to have to FIGHT him for that 50%. Ruling over women is all he knows. So you are going to have to show him that you love him, but you will NOT let him make the financial decisions for the family without your input. He will respect you for it. And if he doesn't, better to know now than to become a mentally abused wife 30 years later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

zio said:


> Thank you that's exactly how I feel, degraded, I feel like a beggar. He puts a weekly allowance into my account every week but other things I have to ask for. What's worse is now its not only about finances, if I want to see friends or my family I need to wait for a yes or no from him. Even my strict parents let me go see whoever I wanted as long as I told them. But my husband, I have to ask 'if I can go' not 'I am going'.


PLEASE don't stay married to this man without him going to a therapist with you. This is abuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

zio said:


> No, I know that he loves me and will never be physically abusive. It's just his mindset and how he was raised is different to how my family raised me - so there is a clash.


That's what EVERY abused woman says.

Start reading about emotional abuse. You'll find tons of information just by googling.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

I have spoken to him about these issues. However, becoming a lawyer and finding a legal job takes time and experience, so I'm starting from the bottom. I will try work as soon as I can though. Once I work we will then have a joint account together. But he really doesn't know any other way except this, but he has asked me if I feel uncomfortable with it we can change it. I just don't know to what though because he does give me whatever I want if I ask. We don't have credit cards or debt and we do live comfortably. 

I think my issue is I need to work to show my independencey and gain life experience, and then our situation will be different. I've never relied on an income as I lived with my parents until I got married, and all I ever did was study for 6 years besides military service. I feel like I don't have the life experience as he does because he has never studied, served in the military, and then worked in business until now. So, when I went into this marriage I had only study experience, no income or savings only debt. So what other option could it have been? 

As some people have said here, I want to clarify that any decision that needs to be made, he doesn't do it by himself. When it comes to financial things, I don't know much about it but we still discuss everything together and asks me.

As for his clothes, I secretly gathered all his outdated clothes in a bag and trashed it. Since he has no time to go shopping, I asked him to give me money so I can update his wardrobe.

As for visits and family gatherings I made him and his family understand that its my right to go see my family or anyone whenever I want or when I feel like it. I made it clear to him that I don't want to be like his mom or family and we are going to live our own lives differently. He has agreed to all this as long as I communicate to him better and its not excessive that it takes me away from my goals and work.

I'm sure we will completely work out these detailed issues in due time as he does want to change things if something is not right. We will see :/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you look up domestic abuse in Wikipedia, you will see that financial abuse is one form of it.

Your husband should not treat you like a child when it comes to money. I assume that as a lawyer you will not be doing an unpaid internship for ever. A relative of mine told me that she worked for minimum wage for 2 years after she graduated from law school. so your situation is not unusual.

You need to come to the table as an equal in the household and the sooner the better before his treatment of you gets further ingrained.

Do you have a credit card? Do you do everything with cash?

With my first husband I tried to be that frugal housewife as well. I later figured out that it annoyed him even as I was not working (but looking for work) and he was just starting out on a small salary. 

Make sure that you get your needs met. And even though this may sound retro, I think it's true, don't let frugality prevent you from taking care of yourself. Wouldn't that be ironic if he started asking you why can't you dress like that/ your hair look as nice and so on. You may find out that you have a whole 'nother problem on your hands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

zio said:


> Once I work we will then have a joint account together. But he really doesn't know any other way except this, but he has asked me if I feel uncomfortable with it we can change it.


Great! Then tell him you want a joint account. Now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In the marriage ceremony one of the things we say is, with all my worldy goods I thee endow. 

When we married all that we had before became 'ours.' We have never had separate bank accounts, always a joint one. All income that either gets is joint money. All the bills and food etc come out of that account. If we are able to save any, they we uses a joint savings account. I cant see the point of getting married if we don't share everything.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband's family's finances are not your business, but you have a right to know your husband's finances. Even if he is making all the money right now, you now are his wife, and the two of you are one. All that is his is yours, and all that is yours is his, even the shirt off his back, right? What is written on your Ketubah?

You should have all the passwords to his accounts, be able to see all his bank deposits and withdrawals.

The two of you should sit down, and discuss all your expenses, including your investments, as well as how much each of you should get for "mad money" which is money that you get to spend as you wish.

Mad money should be an equal amount for both people. It can be as little as $20 a month, or as much as $100's if you can afford that after covering all your expenses and future investments.


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## zio (Mar 8, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> You should have all the passwords to his accounts, be able to see all his bank deposits and withdrawals.
> 
> The two of you should sit down, and discuss all your expenses, including your investments, as well as how much each of you should get for "mad money" which is money that you get to spend as you wish.
> 
> Mad money should be an equal amount for both people. It can be as little as $20 a month, or as much as $100's if you can afford that after covering all your expenses and future investments.


I do all his banking and business related things including bookkeeping, so it's not like I have no clue how much he makes and spends. He pays for everything, bills, electricity, water, grocery shopping, car registration, insurance, and my personal needs. We don't have a set budget of how much we should spend, if we need something we just buy it. This approximate $100 is what I get every week for my personal spending, because he asked me how much I spend in a week before we got married. This weekly 100 has accumlated to 1000 and I haven't really spent anything from it because I don't spend that much unless I go out with my family or friends and pay for things. With what you are saying in regards to 'mad money', he gives 100 to me for personal but he doesn't spend a 100 for personal things for himself, nor does he buy things for himself unless I am with him. I think I will talk about him also setting aside an amount for him to spend on himself too and let me be in control of it. 

If we do make a joint account and I put the money I have in and the amount he is willing to put in it every week for him and I. I think I would feel more cautious of how much I would be spending on myself, and I don't know if that will make me feel better than now. Right now I can go buy whatever I want without the need for him checking or asking him any time I need to buy something. I have no idea


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