# I'm sinking back into depression. Need some advice.



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Haven't been on here in a while.Things have been going well & I was doing ok for a while, But Little things that he says & does are starting to get to me more every day. There seems to be triggers everywhere I go. He's doing everything he should be to make things better so I don't want to mope around & set us back. Is it unrealistic that after 6 months he thinks that it's over & should never be brought up again? Am I wrong to want to talk to him about how I'm still feeling? I really want us to be able to get past this & be happy so my question is, How can I stop thinking about the past & just focus on today? Thanks in advance for any advice that might help me to move on..


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Six months is not long enough. I'm just past two years on my H's EA, which was not nearly as bad as your situation. I'm still married to him in part because he kept answering my questions and talking with me about it. Obviously he didn't enjoy it, but I didn't enjoy when he placed another woman over me in his life. Actions have consequences.

You do want to work towards some happiness, but it takes a while...and it takes both of you talking. He can't pretend it never happened, just because it makes him feel uncomfortable .


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

its only over when you say it is. he does not vote on this ever. ever.

the M is also over if you say it is. again, he does not vote on this.

if he needs to spend the next several years doing the heavy lifting, so be it. if he choses not to and you are not satisfied with progress - so be it. actually the progress is like a trend line. there will always be bumps. major ones and minor ones. overall, where is it heading.

its up to him to get feedback and take appropriate steps for you.

communication is super critical. today and 5 years from now. always.

guys don't listen very well. this is something he needs to overcome. you cannot compensate for this.


----------



## Fighting For Happiness (Mar 9, 2015)

Sorry you are feeling down. 

Read this link Cognitive distortion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It helps to understand what may be going on. 

The cure is to catch these and "correct" them so your cognitions/thoughts are not distorted. 

All the best with it.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks yeah right & Q tip. I needed to hear that. Every time I get down & try to talk to him about it. He makes me feel like I just want to keep it going to make him feel bad about it & really I don't It's not like I'm being mean I just want him to know how I feel. I've always been able to talk to him when something is bothering me. Now it seems when I need him most. He brushes it off & tells me I need to let it go. It's in the past.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Fighting For Happiness said:


> Sorry you are feeling down.
> 
> Read this link Cognitive distortion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> ...


Thanks, I will


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> Six months is not long enough. I'm just past two years on my H's EA, which was not nearly as bad as your situation. I'm still married to him in part because he kept answering my questions and talking with me about it. Obviously he didn't enjoy it, but I didn't enjoy when he placed another woman over me in his life. Actions have consequences.
> 
> You do want to work towards some happiness, but it takes a while...and it takes both of you talking. He can't pretend it never happened, just because it makes him feel uncomfortable .


Agreed.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You might need to consider the possibility that the only way to escape the depression is to escape HIM.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your depression is situational. In some ways the more you focus on what happen, the more you sink into a depression. You can think about it this way, the more negative thoughts you have, the more you wire your brain to behave in that manner. Our brains are plastic, and every experience, thoughts, emotions, can alter our brain to behave differently.

You could focus more on the positive changes in your life, think about how much you have grown, how much you have learned, and how more independent you are.

I see that your husband is still an emotional wall. His behavior is highly ingrained into him, and he is unlikely to change or understand. You can either accept him as he is, or move on. Either case, he sounds like he will not be much of your healing process. If you can find others who went through what you went through, it can help with morale. They can better empathize with what your going through. Feel the emotions and over time they may lessen as you learn to adapt and move on. If he were more supportive and just held you while you go through your emotions, it would lessen the pain. Another way is to teach yourself to react differently and that is also a long process.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

do something fun or different.something simple.

head to a book store, grab a magazine and a coffee and read. get your mind tuned into other areas that matter too. dont focus entirely on just the one thing. i know thats hard. give some reading and a coffee a chance!


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your depression is situational.


Be careful about labels and diagnoses unless you're a licensed therapist and you've consulted with this person.

Could be situational, could be that she has depression and it gets triggered by certain life events.. no way to know.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your depression is situational. In some ways the more you focus on what happen, the more you sink into a depression. You can think about it this way, the more negative thoughts you have, the more you wire your brain to behave in that manner. Our brains are plastic, and every experience, thoughts, emotions, can alter our brain to behave differently.
> 
> You could focus more on the positive changes in your life, think about how much you have grown, how much you have learned, and how more independent you are.
> 
> I see that your husband is still an emotional wall. His behavior is highly ingrained into him, and he is unlikely to change or understand. You can either accept him as he is, or move on. Either case, he sounds like he will not be much of your healing process. If you can find others who went through what you went through, it can help with morale. They can better empathize with what your going through. Feel the emotions and over time they may lessen as you learn to adapt and move on. If he were more supportive and just held you while you go through your emotions, it would lessen the pain. Another way is to teach yourself to react differently and that is also a long process.


Mr. Fisty, You just made me realize something. I guess what I want the most is for him to understand how I feel & he probably never will because he's never been through it. So maybe I need to deal with my feelings & except that he can't truly understand them. Thanks that helped me to see what it is I'm doing.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Haven't been on here in a while.Things have been going well & I was doing ok for a while, But Little things that he says & does are starting to get to me more every day. There seems to be triggers everywhere I go. He's doing everything he should be to make things better so I don't want to mope around & set us back. Is it unrealistic that after 6 months he thinks that it's over & should never be brought up again? Am I wrong to want to talk to him about how I'm still feeling? I really want us to be able to get past this & be happy so my question is, How can I stop thinking about the past & just focus on today? Thanks in advance for any advice that might help me to move on..


If that's what he thinks, then it is clear he just is not thinking.

You need to see a doctor for the depression.


look after yourself.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Read him this.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have him put himself in your shoes. Have him imagine you had the A.

How would he feel? It would rip him apart. 

Now what would he want you to do to help him heal if the situation was reversed?

Then he needs to start doing those reassuring things that he wants from you. He need to think hard about this and write down thinking about your ways of feeling loved. (Your love language)

Hope you can get him to do this for you.

Also do things that make you feel better about yourself. Cheating by a spouse is an "A" bomb to your self esteem.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed.


Agreed agreed.

I'm a year out after separation and even without the presence of the WW, I still have good and bad days.

BUT, after a year, I can see it now getting better every day but it does take time. Nothing you can do about that.

May I suggest keeping your husband informed of both your up days and down days so that he starts to get a real idea of just how slowly things improve. That way he knows it is for a long haul.

But honestly, if it were my ex-partner I'm not sure that the same person who was selfish enough to cheat in the first place could ever be empathetic enough to be consider your needs through this difficult time. Perhaps you could ask him that. Ask him if he feels he can be empathetic for years because that is what it is going to need.

My last piece of advice. 
It is easy to carry on with a "victim" mentality for years. I found the biggest progress I made was asking my (admittedly new) partner into the relationship, to do and say everything they yearn to say. I found that by taking the focus off myself all the time I actually made a lot of progress subconsciously.

Good luck.


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Your wh has made no progress. You've posted a variation of this problem so many times, starting a few months ago, and it's clearly not resolving. He doesn't want to change or become sensitive or empathetic. He's not remorseful. I'm so sorry you're in this position. He doesn't deserve you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Your wh has made no progress. You've posted a variation of this problem so many times, starting a few months ago, and it's clearly not resolving. He doesn't want to change or become sensitive or empathetic. He's not remorseful. I'm so sorry you're in this position. He doesn't deserve you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps. Is he working on himself? Is he in IC? has he learnt why he cheated and has he admitted in full the deep dark reason why?

Don't know I could ever trust anyone again unless they want through this process and really opened up.

As I said before though, after what I've seen, I just can't imagine someone who was selfish enough to cheat to ever be capable of this or ever care about someone else enough to do this.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

The truth of the matter is that unless he has experienced what you've been through there is no way that he will be able to comprehend what you're dealing with. You will also be dealing with this for a while, a long while. There's no easy way to work through it and be 'healed'. It'll be with you.

What will help with your pain is having a husband, who though may not know what you're going through, who is caring and understanding. He should understand that he f***ed up beyong big time. His actions and choices set all of this in motion. Maybe he is aware and feels guilty but he shouldn't shut you down when you need him to be there for you.

You shouldn't bottle up your feelings, continue to talk and express yourself. You are owed that, listening to you is the least that he could do as the person who hurt you and it's his responsibilty as your husband.

It's not unrealistic that he thinks it's over, he wants it to be over because he doesn't want to deal with it but that's unfair to you.



Locke.Stratos said:


> *Devastated an lost* recognize that his dismissive and nonchalant attitude towards how his affair has affected you is also causing you tremendous pain, in addition to the affair itself.
> 
> Your marriage and reconciliation require his active participation and committment.


I hope that you're doing better and if you're starting to sink into depression, talk to someone and keep physically active. Your feelings matter, do not prioritize his needs at the expense of your own.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

poida said:


> Perhaps. Is he working on himself? Is he in IC? has he learnt why he cheated and has he admitted in full the deep dark reason why?
> 
> Don't know I could ever trust anyone again unless they want through this process and really opened up.
> 
> As I said before though, after what I've seen, I just can't imagine someone who was selfish enough to cheat to ever be capable of this or ever care about someone else enough to do this.


Yes, He has opened up & made a lot of changes for the better. We have talked about why he cheated when things were so good between us. ( Problems at work, She noticed, Gave him a shoulder to cry on, Made him feel important) The issue for us now is He can't understand how I can go for a week or two & be ok then I have a bad day. I don't understand it myself. When things are good between us he's Loving & affectionate. We have way more good days than bad, But the minute I'm not laughing & talkative he backs off & starts to get defensive. I use to be able to talk to him about anything that was bothering me. I really miss that. That brings me down as much as anything, Just the fact that I can't go to him when I'm hurting. I feel like I've lost my best friend.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think the triggers bring you back to the moments, and you witness the pain inside your head. Those things that you picture are real to you. So when you trigger, you cannot help but think about the affair, and it is like your there witnessing it live. From my own personal experience, triggers fade over time, the imagery hurts less and less. You probably should look at what made you trigger, and teach yourself how to respond differently. Like take deep breaths and let go slowly, think about a positive memory in its place. Buy a punching bag if you need to get rid of any aggression you feel. Again, that support group would be a great place to confide in. Those who share the same bad experience can usually bring comfort to each other.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think the triggers bring you back to the moments, and you witness the pain inside your head. Those things that you picture are real to you. So when you trigger, you cannot help but think about the affair, and it is like your there witnessing it live. From my own personal experience, triggers fade over time, the imagery hurts less and less. You probably should look at what made you trigger, and teach yourself how to respond differently. Like take deep breaths and let go slowly, think about a positive memory in its place. Buy a punching bag if you need to get rid of any aggression you feel. Again, that support group would be a great place to confide in. Those who share the same bad experience can usually bring comfort to each other.


Mr Fisty, You hit the nail on the head. When I trigger all I can see is them together. It seems no matter what I try to do to get my mind off of it. The movie just keeps playing in my head. If I could only figure out how to stop that. It would be wonderful.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think the only way to handle it is to learn to deal with it. Can you see a therapist? This is hard to deal with on your own, and someone who is there face to face , can help guide you through it. You can do certain exercises from books that deal with emotional trauma. If you know of anyone who has to deal with infidelity, their wisdom would likely be helpful.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think the only way to handle it is to learn to deal with it. Can you see a therapist? This is hard to deal with on your own, and someone who is there face to face , can help guide you through it. You can do certain exercises from books that deal with emotional trauma. If you know of anyone who has to deal with infidelity, their wisdom would likely be helpful.


Can't really afford to go to a therapist, But I will look into reading up on it. Maybe that will help. Thanks.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants the happy, upbeat you. He can't deal with the sad, depressed you. He doesn't understand it will take literally years for you to get through this. And he definitely does need to understand that because it will take both of you working together to overcome the damage he's done. 

This is just not as simple and easy as he wants it to be. And he doesn't get that.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> He wants the happy, upbeat you. He can't deal with the sad, depressed you. He doesn't understand it will take literally years for you to get through this. And he definitely does need to understand that because it will take both of you working together to overcome the damage he's done.
> 
> This is just not as simple and easy as he wants it to be. And he doesn't get that.


I agree.


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Openminded said:


> He wants the happy, upbeat you. He can't deal with the sad, depressed you. He doesn't understand it will take literally years for you to get through this. And he definitely does need to understand that because it will take both of you working together to overcome the damage he's done.
> 
> This is just not as simple and easy as he wants it to be. And he doesn't get that.


Exactly. He's the ultimate fair weather friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Mr Fisty, You hit the nail on the head. When I trigger all I can see is them together. It seems no matter what I try to do to get my mind off of it. The movie just keeps playing in my head. If I could only figure out how to stop that. It would be wonderful.


After more than a year of weekly therapy, I can tell you three things that helped me the most move forward more than anything. Understand that I left my wife after she false R'd but I had the same fear of commitment with my new GF. To me, the situation is much the same. 

1. Learning to ACCEPT that there will be waves of up and down for a long time yet will help you reduce the severity of emotions when a down time does arrive. 

2. Learn to ACCEPT that you don't always know or understand why it is you feel the way you feel. Accept that your sub-concious knows best and is helping you heal and grow. If you feel angry for example, let it happen, be angry, let the process happen and something positive will come as a result. I have learnt that you have those feelings for a reason. Letting them happen and "sitting" with them will help you move forward.

3. Letting go of the fear of commitment is the best thing you can do for both yourself and your husband in relation to re-forming a trust bond. Your security net has been removed by your husband. In order to make this commitment, make it a commitment to open up for yourself. Tell yourself that you are strong and independent and even if your husband does something that might hurt you again, you are able to support yourself. You don't need him to catch you if the relationship falls. Such a commitment will do more to allow your husband to do the same than you would ever believe.

Good luck.!!!


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

poida said:


> After more than a year of weekly therapy, I can tell you three things that helped me the most move forward more than anything. Understand that I left my wife after she false R'd but I had the same fear of commitment with my new GF. To me, the situation is much the same.
> 
> 1. Learning to ACCEPT that there will be waves of up and down for a long time yet will help you reduce the severity of emotions when a down time does arrive.
> 
> ...


Thanks poida,

That makes a lot of sense. I will try to apply all of those in my way of thinking. Sometimes it's the simple little things that you can't see clearly when you're hurting that help the most.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks, I will


There is no 'letting it go, what's in the past is in the past'. Only you will know when it's time and when you are healed. He sounds like a lucky guy to still have you there. He should be doing the heavy lifting. Sorry you are triggering. Over time, it will fade some but keep up the good work


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

hey, I am not trying to make things worse but I do remember your story and how horrible it was. 

Did you ever follow through and tell the OWH ?

How did the OW exit your life ?

Complete, decisive closure on the affair and ensuring your H owns this thing completely are important in recovery.

Finally, what is your gameplan ? Have you set a list of objectives and timelines on what you want to see and when ?

I am just curious. Everytime you start a thread, I simply shake my head and say 'why would anyone ever do this to such a good person like yo' ? I don't get it but I'd like to see you overcome the depression, fight back hard and win.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> hey, I am not trying to make things worse but I do remember your story and how horrible it was.
> 
> Did you ever follow through and tell the OWH ?
> 
> ...


My H called & ended it with her. I also talked to her & told her if she ever contacted my H again. I would expose her to her whole family. After a couple of months I called her H without telling him who I was. I gave him enough info. so he would know I was telling the truth. I could tell he wasn't very surprised. He said he would definitely do some investigating. I have become a lot more independent. I'm not sure about my game plan for now I'm just taking it day by day..


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

:smthumbup:good for you


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I get the feeling that you are the rock in your relationship.

When people cheat, they build up negative stories in their heads about the spouses in order to justify their cheating. We all see this, pretty much on every thread.

There are some BS's, however, who are just kind enough, just generous enough of heart, to make it difficult for even the most selfish of WS's to vilify them.

I sense that you and your H are like this. Even when in the throes of his A, he couldn't demonize you. As I recall, at the time he told you that he loved both of you.

I think he is a selfish man who hit the jackpot when he married you and he knows it. He knew it even when he was cheating on you. I don't think he can easily live without you. As I said, you are the rock for him. I think he is scared to death right now that he has massively f*cked up what he has with you. When you seem OK, then he can hope that you won't leave him. When you are down, he has to face the consequences of what he has done and he is afraid of what those consequences could ultimately be.

I get the feeling that you are too kind to be able to understand your power and worth in your M. He understands it, though. I don't think he can easily live without it.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> I get the feeling that you are the rock in your relationship.
> 
> When people cheat, they build up negative stories in their heads about the spouses in order to justify their cheating. We all see this, pretty much on every thread.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much,
alte Dame,

I ask him what he told her about me & he said, He told her this would kill her if she ever found out, Because she's such a good person. He said he cried & told her he couldn't believe he was doing this to me, That I was so good to him. He couldn't ask for a better wife. That's what makes it so hard for me to understand. When I talked to the OW she said the same thing. That she knew he Loved me & would never leave me. & I didn't deserve for this to happen to me.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thank you so much,
> alte Dame,
> 
> I ask him what he told her about me & he said, He told her this would kill her if she ever found out, Because she's such a good person. He said he cried & told her he couldn't believe he was doing this to me, That I was so good to him. He couldn't ask for a better wife. That's what makes it so hard for me to understand. When I talked to the OW she said the same thing. That she knew he Loved me & would never leave me. & I didn't deserve for this to happen to me.


Definitely sounds like something internal in him and that you couldn't possibly have done anything to avoid it. I certainly hope he is in IC.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Haven't been on here in a while.Things have been going well & I was doing ok for a while, But Little things that he says & does are starting to get to me more every day. There seems to be triggers everywhere I go. He's doing everything he should be to make things better so I don't want to mope around & set us back. Is it unrealistic that after 6 months he thinks that it's over & should never be brought up again? Am I wrong to want to talk to him about how I'm still feeling? I really want us to be able to get past this & be happy so my question is, How can I stop thinking about the past & just focus on today? Thanks in advance for any advice that might help me to move on..


You realize, right - you have told HIM, right - that it takes about 2 years before you can come anywhere close to 'getting over it'?


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> You realize, right - you have told HIM, right - that it takes about 2 years before you can come anywhere close to 'getting over it'?


Hi turnera,

Yes I did tell him & on a good day he understands..


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then it's no longer your problem. You do what YOU need and if he won't be supportive, he needs to go.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> Then it's no longer your problem. You do what YOU need and if he won't be supportive, he needs to go.


Woo.!! Turnera brings out the big guns... he he he... I like it.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

poida said:


> Woo.!! Turnera brings out the big guns... he he he... I like it.


She always does, Haha She keeps me on my toes.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Glad to see you're "laughing" this morning!


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> Glad to see you're "laughing" this morning!


It always makes me feel better to talk to the friends I've made here. Y'all have helped me through some very hard times. I thank every one of you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. It really means a lot to me.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

lenzi said:


> You might need to consider the possibility that the only way to escape the depression is to escape HIM.



This is absolutely so true. It takes at least 2 years to work on this. For some even longer. Much longer. Infidelity rocks some people to the core. The core of who they are, their place in their world. You both could do everything right, but in he end, the constant, repetitive, trigger of being around someone who did this, Can seriously prevent any meaningful recovery.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> *It always makes me feel better to talk to the friends I've made here. Y*'all have helped me through some very hard times. I thank every one of you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. It really means a lot to me.


Glad we could help you feel better.


----------



## aniceguy (Mar 12, 2015)

I have experienced the fear, pain, and anger that emotional affairs have caused in my marriage and they can become demons, continuing to grow if we feed them.

Still working through a second emotional affair where my wife exchanged 800+ text messages in a three week period with a co-worker. The most painful part was realizing that in that same time we had exchanged less than 100 messages. I feel connected with words and as I reviewed those that we had sent over half of her replies were a single word. Devastating and painful to feel, process, and try to work through.

Your circumstances are likely very different than mine, but here are some things that have helped me as I have spiraled towards a total breakdown and worked to pull myself out of it.

Driving to and from work I have talked out loud to myself and to her about the situation. Sometimes this reminds me of how much I love and care about her and want to understand why she placed herself in the situation. Other times I have screamed and cursed her for doing something that has caused me so much pain.

I have tried to share with her how I have been feeling but I have found there are landmines because if I spend too much time pouting or feeling sad about the situation it makes it very undesirable for her to be with me let alone talk to me.

For the first few weeks after I kept waiting for her to acknowledge that what she had done was wrong and apologize for hurting me. That hasn't worked because from what I've read the ending of an affair is quite painful for the unfaithful spouse as well. I don't feel sorry for her but I try to understand that she is obviously experiencing pain and anger as well.

Just in the last day or two we have talked about some of the things that may have lead her to share her intimate emotions with someone of the opposite sex. We aren't completely through processing but we have talked about how the relationships begin in very casual, friendly ways but can turn quickly to a relationship that is not supportive of our marriage directly if they talk about it or indirectly if they just share things that should be kept personal and private within the marriage.

My final advice is to fully engage in YOU - work, friends, family, hobbies, etc. The more you can keep your mind occupied with your personal progress, the less time they will have to dwell on and worry about what has happened.

You can't brush it under the rug which may partly be what he would like to do, but focusing on you, only the most critical parts of your healing process will get your attention and you can work through those with him.

All my best to you and your marriage. It takes a great deal of focus on both spouses parts to keep a marriage thriving and growing. I am not very good at it even after 28 years, but I keep fighting for it!


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

toonaive said:


> This is absolutely so true. It takes at least 2 years to work on this. For some even longer. Much longer. Infidelity rocks some people to the core. The core of who they are, their place in their world. You both could do everything right, but in he end, the constant, repetitive, trigger of being around someone who did this, Can seriously prevent any meaningful recovery.


It has definitely rocked me to the core & changed who I am forever. I don't trust anybody anymore & my world will never be the same.


----------



## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

How have you been doing Devastated an lost.


----------

