# Wrong for feeling this way?



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

*Solved\delete*

Admin/mod delete please


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The most important time in your life is today and all the days ahead of you. Put your focus there.

I get how you feel. It's valid. You have voiced to her how you feel. She expressed that a part of her knows that she was being selfish. Now she's being defensive, that's why she's taking the stance she has now. Be the bigger man here and let it go.

However, in the future, do not allow yourself to be pressured like that. 

Now it's time to let bygones by bygones. Forgive her in your own mind. That's the only way to move forward.

My bet is that you are holding on to this because you are still grieving for your grandfather. Grief can do all sorts of strange things to our mental state.

So, now turning the focus to today, do you have a new job now?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

I agree with what you’re saying and yes currently at a new job everything is fine there.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> So I’m going to try and make this short and sweet. Been together 7 years had a small break up 3 years ago for 5 months. Fast forward things are going good and I got engaged to my gf in January. Switched job end of February which was a mistake because the schedule ended up being terrible (7 days a week). We planned to get married in July. Catch is I had to pay for it all since she put the down payment on the house. Which she bought a week after the break up 4 year ago that lasted 5-6 months. Dumb me agreed to it. Time went on and I decided to leave my job I was financially stable with what I had. It was 2 months (August) until the wedding. The End of May got here and my grandpa, basically my dad that raised me since I was a baby came down with stage 4 lung and bone cancer. He lasted 3 weeks and pasted away. My mom had used up a lot of her PTO time because of that and said there’s noway she would be able to make it. She wouldn’t have the pto time until October. So I ask my fiancé hey I really want my mom to be at my wedding can we push it back just 2 months. I suggested that would be better especially getting a new job also. She said no either we get married now or you leave me. Well of course I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for and time with the woman I love so I did. I paid for everything. Fast forward a few months later and I feel I was robbed of a part of an important time of my life and it made me question how she really felt about me giving me these ultimatums especially going through my hard time. I’m very frustrated about it and feel unappreciated. Feels like I made a business deal to get married and it makes me sick to my stomach. I brought up how I felt finally because I came to my senses of why did I get sucked into this.
> 
> ...


She sure does like to give altimatums. When a spouse says get over it or we divorce - this is not a good sign. If my wife was to ever say that - my response would be - ok - I am done as apparently you do not give a **** about my feelings and are willing to leave me for how I feel. Why would you ever be with someone who is willing to toss you aside so easily?? She does not love you - she is using you - thats my take anyway.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Aspydad said:


> She sure does like to give altimatums. When a spouse says get over it or we divorce - this is not a good sign. If my wife was to ever say that - my response would be - ok - I am done as apparently you do not give a **** about my feelings and are willing to leave me for how I feel. Why would you ever be with someone who is willing to toss you aside so easily?? She does not love you - she is using you - thats my take anyway.


She ask me why I waited almost 2 months to talk about it. I told her I thought about everything and came to my senses and felt this was wrong.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your wife reminds me of my wife with the ultimatums. It's not an uncommon problem and in my wife's case was resolved quickly once the therapist 'officially' identified that behavior as as problem that sabotaged communication.

Nothing I said made a difference. It took a neutral 3rd party who's opinion she respected.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The way you posted it sounds like your wife is pretty flippant with regards to your marriage. Is whether or not she's married to you important to her?


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Aspydad said:


> PrivateJ90 said:
> 
> 
> > Wrong for feeling this way?
> ...


If she didnt love him she wouldnt have waited SEVEN YEARS to finally get married. I would never wait that long.

She has/had her issues and didnt feel much empathy for him during that time (OP didnt expçain anything about her). Idk how they were and what she were going throught herself. OP cant blame her for his depression.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PrivateJ90 said:


> She ask me why I waited almost 2 months to talk about it. I told her I thought about everything and came to my senses and felt this was wrong.


Have you considered couple's counselling? 

Lot of issues that need to be addressed, I feel.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yeah I would have called off the wedding the moment she didn’t care about your mother being there. But the thing is you married her anyway and missed the opportunity to take a stand then. While I think she was very selfish and wrong then I agree with her now that you’ll either have to find a way to move past this or divorce. I think what you’re starting to realize is this isn’t the only red flag she has is it? This isn’t the only thing she is selfish about is it. Do you want your life to be this?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Did she give any explanation as to why she wanted not to push it back?

As a woman the first thing that jumped out of that story for me was seven years. 

I completely understand about you wanting your mom there. I can also see how someone who planned a wedding and waited 7 years to get married might feel pushing it back might trigger some feelings.

Did you both want to wait seven years? Why did you guys break up before?

What do you want her to do now? She can't turn back time. Was it a big wedding or a small courthouse affair? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It's hard to know what her thought process was when you asked to postpone the wedding. After waiting to get married for 7 years she may have panicked that this was the beginning of you backing out of the wedding. And now she's realizing she made a poor choice by giving you that ultimatum and not allowing your Mom to be at the wedding. 

Then you confront her on it and she feels badly but she doesn't want to dwell on it forever. I think some of her motivation may just be that she's starting to feel like YOU don't want to be with HER. It took 7 years to get married...if the reason was that you waited so long she probably doesn't feel super secure in the relationship and so when you bring up a problem she expects you're starting to bail on things. The best defense is an offense...so she tells you just to leave. 

Or, none of this could be true and she's just a heartless *****. If she hasn't been a heartless ***** all along in your relationship though, it's worth exploring that her motivations for these ultimatums may be from her own insecurities of the relationship. 

The only way to really know is to talk about it with her. Ask her outright. Do you really not care if I leave? Make sure she knows you're bringing these issues up because you want a strong and loving marriage and you want to put these negative feelings aside. But if she really wouldn't care if you divorced already then there isn't much to save there. You may need a counselor to help you guys navigate things. 

Good luck!!!


ETA: I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandfather. *hugs*


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

moon7 said:


> If she didnt love him she wouldnt have waited SEVEN YEARS to finally get married. I would never wait that long.
> 
> She has/had her issues and didnt feel much empathy for him during that time (OP didnt expçain anything about her). Idk how they were and what she were going throught herself. OP cant blame her for his depression.


You have a point about waiting 7 years but you have to realize weddings arent cheap. It’s not that easy to come up with 10000 overnight. We went through a break up almost 4 years ago for 6 months. Her reason was to have a fresh start. 4 weeks later she’s with a new guy they didn’t last 4-5 months and then we started talking again. No one is depressed here just concerned on how people get their way.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> It's hard to know what her thought process was when you asked to postpone the wedding. After waiting to get married for 7 years she may have panicked that this was the beginning of you backing out of the wedding. And now she's realizing she made a poor choice by giving you that ultimatum and not allowing your Mom to be at the wedding.
> 
> Then you confront her on it and she feels badly but she doesn't want to dwell on it forever. I think some of her motivation may just be that she's starting to feel like YOU don't want to be with HER. It took 7 years to get married...if the reason was that you waited so long she probably doesn't feel super secure in the relationship and so when you bring up a problem she expects you're starting to bail on things. The best defense is an offense...so she tells you just to leave.
> 
> ...


Thank you!

I understand the waiting part but we had our issues a few years back and coming up with all the money on your own isn’t the easiest thing. I wasn’t going to back out, I had already proposed and bought her a ring and put money down on everything that I would lose. It was only 60 days to wait.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Thank you!
> 
> I understand the waiting part but we had our issues a few years back and coming up with all the money on your own isn’t the easiest thing. I wasn’t going to back out, I had already proposed and bought her a ring and put money down on everything that I would lose. It was only 60 days to wait.


Respectfully, you know all your reasons for waiting, but she may not or she may but it doesn't change her reaction to the waiting. Emotions are pesky things and they can influence our thinking in ways that sometimes make no logical sense. Just something to consider.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Did she give any explanation as to why she wanted not to push it back?
> 
> As a woman the first thing that jumped out of that story for me was seven years.
> 
> ...


It was 7 years because we went through a break up 3-4 years ago because she said I wasn’t interested in the house she was looking at. So 3 dats before we was set to move out she tells me to leave. Her excuse was she wanted a fresh start and 4 weeks later she’s dating a new guy and they lasted 4-5 months. One person paying for a whole wedding isn’t cheap. I paid for everything myself it’s a little different when parents are helping you but not in my case. The wedding was on the beach in Florida. 900 miles away. I know she can’t do anything about it now it was just the way she reacted and treated me when I brought up how I felt things wasn’t fair.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Have you considered couple's counselling?
> 
> Lot of issues that need to be addressed, I feel.


We talked about it but like I told her what are you going to do when they start telling you things you don’t want to hear? She likes to run away when people start expressing truth in issues regarding her as if she never does anything wrong.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Several people have provided suggestions or opinions that you have quickly rebutted.

So my question PrivateJ90 is how can we help you? What do you want to happen here?

Your posts sound like you are resentful and suspicious of her motives and actions.

Fast forward this 10 years. Add children to this and less intimacy. 

Is this what you want for your life long term?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

So first off, your breakup 3-4 years ago, she kept the new guy hidden for 4 weeks...test drive did not work out.

She has a good business mind. You paid for the wedding because she put the down payment on the house.

If you leave or if she kicks you out, you're out all that money...she still has the house. 

She holds the power, that's why she can throw ultimatums around successfully.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Several people have provided suggestions or opinions that you have quickly rebutted.
> 
> So my question PrivateJ90 is how can we help you? What do you want to happen here?
> 
> ...


She already has kid of almost 8 years. This has t made my decision any easier. I’m told I should’ve not made the decision by her and it wasn’t like she had a gun to my head. Just tired of me expressing how I’m feeling it goes nowhere but back to her not really understanding that’s all.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Did I read that correctly that she broke up with you because you did not like the house she wanted to buy??? So she ran right out and hooked up with another guy. And marriage counseling won't work because she'll bail as soon as the counselor tells her something she doesn't want to hear?

I'm starting to think she just wants what she wants and you can take a hike if you don't agree. I'd recommend that you take that hike. Let her see what life is like after she's driven you away with her selfishness. Meanwhile, go find someone who knows the value of compromise and can love you in a much more sincere and honest way.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

manwithnoname said:


> So first off, your breakup 3-4 years ago, she kept the new guy hidden for 4 weeks...test drive did not work out.
> 
> She has a good business mind. You paid for the wedding because she put the down payment on the house.
> 
> ...


The down payment was done when we wasn’t even together and wasn’t even close to equal. They lasted 4-5 months but 2 months before we got married I had seen he sent her a snapchat and she said it was only him asking how she’s been so I let it go.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Did I read that correctly that she broke up with you because you did not like the house she wanted to buy??? So she ran right out and hooked up with another guy. And marriage counseling won't work because she'll bail as soon as the counselor tells her something she doesn't want to hear?
> 
> I'm starting to think she just wants what she wants and you can take a hike if you don't agree. I'd recommend that you take that hike. Let her see what life is like after she's driven you away with her selfishness. Meanwhile, go find someone who knows the value of compromise and can love you in a much more sincere and honest way.


It was because I wasn’t showing enough interest in it. We celebrated my birthday 2 weeks prior and I thought everything was fine. Next thing I know I’m getting a text saying she doesn’t want to do this anymore and that I’ve got to get my stuff because she’s moving in 3 days. I talked counseling but I told
Her it’s going to cost some money and don’t get mad if they say something you don’t agree with because she is never wrong in her eyes. But I guards you can think like that when you don’t discuss issues with others and just stay in your on little world believing everything you do and say is right. It’s not, none of us our perfect and she Can’t come to terms with that.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Lol the down payment was done when we wasn’t even together and wasn’t even close to equal. They lasted 4-5 months but 2 months before we got married I had seen he sent her a snapchat and she said it was only him asking how she’s been so I let it go.


She obviously controls the story here.

I doubt things are going to get better and i think you doubt it too. Time to own that and start standing up to her.
Several books suggested here include No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold on to your NUTS, or the Rational Male.

You need to find your voice and use it or you are going to be her doormat forever.

My advice? Be prepared to lose the relationship to save it. Consult a divorce lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you are entitled to. Come at it from a position of knowledge and strength.

Next time she threatens divorce, leave. Dont go back. Its what she wants right? She sounds like she will have the next guy lined up, if shes not already cheating.
Life is short. Do you really want to live like that?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> She obviously controls the story here.
> 
> I doubt things are going to get better and i think you doubt it too. Time to own that and start standing up to her.
> Several books suggested here include No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold on to your NUTS, or the Rational Male.
> ...


I think with all being said I’m just going to move forward to leaving and moving on from this. It doesn’t feel like real love. I probably should’ve caught this before I went and spent all my money but I guess you live and learn I can always get money back but I can’t get wasted time feeling unloved and appreciated.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

PrivateJ90 said:


> It was because I wasn’t showing enough interest in it. We celebrated my birthday 2 weeks prior and I thought everything was fine. Next thing I know I’m getting a text saying she doesn’t want to do this anymore and that I’ve got to get my stuff because she’s moving in 3 days. I talked counseling but I told
> Her it’s going to cost some money and don’t get mad if they say something you don’t agree with because she is never wrong in her eyes. But I guards you can think like that when you don’t discuss issues with others and just stay in your on little world believing everything you do and say is right. It’s not, none of us our perfect and she Can’t come to terms with that.


It gets really old, really fast trying to deal with someone who is always right. I have a standing joke with my boyfriend that I'm always right but it's just that, a joke. We laugh about it. Nobody is perfect. She needs some individual counseling to be honest but I don't see that happening because she thinks she's perfect just like she is. Once she's lost countless men she might start to wake up to the possibility of a problem, but most likely it will just be that all men suck.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

PrivateJ90 said:


> I think with all being said I’m just going to move forward to leaving and moving on from this. It doesn’t feel like real love. I probably should’ve caught this before I went and spent all my money but I guess you live and learn I can always get money back but I can’t get wasted time feeling unloved and appreciated.


Taxman may be able to provide you with advice.
Consult a lawyer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're married now and I think it's important for the two of you to agree (as much as you can) on the rules of engagement when you have an issue.

When I was first married, my H shut me up by saying, 'If you don't like it, get a divorce.' This hadn't happened before we married - he never threatened a breakup if we disagreed on something - so I was taken aback by this.

I thought about it for a while and the next time he did it, I said, 'You may think you can win an argument by threatening a divorce, but the next time you try that, I will actually file, so make sure that is what you want.' I can honestly say that he never used that tactic again. And that's what it was, a tactic. It wasn't honest communication.

So, I think you have to talk to her about the real effects of ultimatums. If they are empty, they are power plays to get you to do what she wants. If they are not empty, i.e., if she is just fine with a divorce, then it's necessary for you to know this.

I don't think you should just sweep this under the rug. Maybe you could have another celebration in which you invite your mother. There are ways to address your hurt and resentment that allow the two of you to work as a partnership. Try to explore those.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> You have a point about waiting 7 years but you have to realize weddings arent cheap. It’s not that easy to come up with 10000 overnight. We went through a break up almost 4 years ago for 6 months. Her reason was to have a fresh start. 4 weeks later she’s with a new guy they didn’t last 4-5 months and then we started talking again. No one is depressed here just concerned on how people get their way.


Yeah, that is not what really happened. You don't believe that do you... 

Dude, get a divorce and a set of balls at the same time...


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> You're married now and I think it's important for the two of you to agree (as much as you can) on the rules of engagement when you have an issue.
> 
> When I was first married, my H shut me up by saying, 'If you don't like it, get a divorce.' This hadn't happened before we married - he never threatened a breakup if we disagreed on something - so I was taken aback by this.
> 
> ...


I’ve dealt with these ultimatums on and off for years over stuff. I told her last week if you don’t stop with this silly stuff I’m leaving. I can’t even get her around my mom I tried that yesterday we I had dinner with her. She doesn’t want to go around her because she says she has no idea what I’ve told her. I think she knows it’s the truth and my mom knows this as well and she’s scared someone is going to call her out on it besides me. I know I can’t be that wrong if everyone is saying how dumb I was for doing it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

PrivateJ90 said:


> I’ve dealt with these ultimatums on and off for years over stuff. I told her last week if you don’t stop with this silly stuff I’m leaving. I can’t even get her around my mom I tried that yesterday we I had dinner with her. She doesn’t want to go around her because she says she has no idea what I’ve told her. I think she knows it’s the truth and my mom knows this as well and she’s scared someone is going to call her out on it besides me. I know I can’t be that wrong if everyone is saying how dumb I was for doing it.


You been given some good advice, now as far as your mother is concerned who's most important to you? And you better choose wisely. Or it will be a repeat in your next relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, first she can't accommodate your mother at all for your wedding date and now she won't be around your mother because she doesn't know what she's been told?

She has effectively blackballed your mother. You should consider this intolerable. Your W has toxic reactions. You need some serious help in dealing with this.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So when you guys were on a break, my understanding is the reason for this was to clear her head and start again .... with you! Was it your understanding that you could see/sleep with other people ? Did you hook up with someone else during this time ?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> So, first she can't accommodate your mother at all for your wedding date and now she won't be around your mother because she doesn't know what she's been told?
> 
> She has effectively blackballed your mother. You should consider this intolerable. Your W has toxic reactions. You need some serious help in dealing with this.


Increasingly I'm seeing this as isolation and control. Signs of an abuser.

Look, I get why she didn't want to postpone the original wedding date. It's a costly hassle on so many fronts. And I don't necessarily agree with you carrying resentment for this for a length of time.

But her attitude on so many other issues is SO off the charts whacked that you can't seriously stay in this relationship.

Its her way or the highway. Choose the highway...to FREEDOM.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> So when you guys were on a break, my understanding is the reason for this was to clear her head and start again .... with you! Was it your understanding that you could see/sleep with other people ? Did you hook up with someone else during this time ?


She wanted a fresh start of life when moving into this house she said without me. We broke up and she’s with this new guy 3-4 weeks later. They lasted 4 maybe 5 months and then we got back in contact together. No we never talked about that we was officially done. No I haven’t had sex with anyone in 7 years besides her. She’s the only person I’ve had sex with to be exact.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Increasingly I'm seeing this as isolation and control. Signs of an abuser.
> 
> Look, I get why she didn't want to postpone the original wedding date. It's a costly hassle on so many fronts. And I don't necessarily agree with you carrying resentment for this for a length of time.
> 
> ...


No costly hassle because I moved it from June to July to make hotel stay cheaper for HER family. I even said hey if they can’t move it I’ll refund them out of my own pocket to get my mother here no problem.

I get a response to it’s already over it’s not like a put a gun to your head to get married.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Before this fiasco with the wedding, did you wife and mother ever get along?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Before this fiasco with the wedding, did you wife and mother ever get along?


Yes all the time. Dinners, movies, shopping coming over and just hanging out all the time.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Yes all the time. Dinners, movies, shopping coming over and just hanging out all the time.


Does your mother like your wife? Is she holding a grudge against her for moving forward with the wedding?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Does your mother like your wife? Is she holding a grudge against her for moving forward with the wedding?


No she just thought it was weird why we couldn’t do it since I was taking care of everything and wishes she couldve been there. We have hung out since the wedding no issues at all.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> No she just thought it was weird why we couldn’t do it since I was taking care of everything and wishes she couldve been there. We have hung out since the wedding no issues at all.


Does your mother like your wife?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Does your mother like your wife?


Yeah of course they have never had an issue all these years.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Just to clarify, has your wife hung out or not hung with your mom?

First you said:


PrivateJ90 said:


> I can’t even get her around my mom I tried that yesterday we I had dinner with her. *She doesn’t want to go around her because she says she has no idea what I’ve told her.* I think she knows it’s the truth and my mom knows this as well and she’s scared someone is going to call her out on it besides me. I know I can’t be that wrong if everyone is saying how dumb I was for doing it.


but then you say:


PrivateJ90 said:


> No she just thought it was weird why we couldn’t do it since I was taking care of everything and wishes she couldve been there. *We have hung out since the wedding no issues at all*.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Just to clarify, has your wife hung out or not hung with your mom?
> 
> First you said:
> 
> ...


Yeah it’s been 2 months since the wedding. Up until all this discussion started which was about 2 weeks ago she doesn’t want to hang around her now because she thinks I’ve told her stuff to make her against her.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Yeah it’s been 2 months since the wedding. Up until all this discussion started which was about 2 weeks ago she doesn’t want to hang around her now because she thinks I’ve told her stuff to make her against her.


Okay, so your wife was fine with hanging out with your mom up until two weeks ago when you brought up your feelings about the wedding and how everything went down. Since then she hasn't wanted to see your mom because she's concerned you may have shared some of this with her. Correct?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Okay, so your wife was fine with hanging out with your mom up until two weeks ago when you brought up your feelings about the wedding and how everything went down. Since then she hasn't wanted to see your mom because she's concerned you may have shared some of this with her. Correct?


Correct!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Correct!


Okay, so I don't think that's as big of a deal as it originally sounded. If she and your mom get along as good as you say they do, then she probably wants to avoid having to defend herself to both you AND your mother. 

I think what you are dealing with are misdirected feelings of anger. Instead of standing your ground and telling your future wife "No", you went along with the wedding as planned. Now you are angry but you are misdirecting it towards your wife instead of yourself. Please understand, your wife is not to blame for a decision you chose to make. Yes, she gave you an ultimatum (for whatever reason she was going to make this the line in the sand), and you chose to accept it. That's on you. You could have told her to pound sand and gone your separate ways but you didn't. Accepting responsibility for your decisions is the healthy thing to do. Whether you agree with them or not, being resentful towards your wife for having boundaries is not a healthy thing to do. 

I agree with the other poster who recommended you read No More Mr. Nice Guy but I also recommend you read "When I say No I Feel Guilty".


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Okay, so I don't think that's as big of a deal as it originally sounded. If she and your mom get along as good as you say they do, then she probably wants to avoid having to defend herself to both you AND your mother.
> 
> I think what you are dealing with are misdirected feelings of anger. Instead of standing your ground and telling your future wife "No", you went along with the wedding as planned. Now you are angry but you are misdirecting it towards your wife instead of yourself. Please understand, your wife is not to blame for a decision you chose to make. Yes, she gave you an ultimatum (for whatever reason she was going to make this the line in the sand), and you chose to accept it. That's on you. You could have told her to pound sand and gone your separate ways but you didn't. Accepting responsibility for your decisions is the healthy thing to do. Whether you agree with them or not, being resentful towards your wife for having boundaries is not a healthy thing to do.
> 
> I agree with the other poster who recommended you read No More Mr. Nice Guy but I also recommend you read "When I say No I Feel Guilty".


I take full responsibility for it of course. It’s when I brought up how I felt about the situation. I said we should’ve been fair on this wedding funding since I spent so much money towards it I ask could we split what I paid for the wedding and her response is no we can split it if we get a divorce. Completely not what I ask for.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> I take full responsibility for it of course. It’s when I brought up how I felt about the situation. I said we should’ve been fair on this wedding funding since I spent so much money towards it I ask could we split what I paid for the wedding and her response is no we can split it if we get a divorce. Completely not what I ask for.


What was the original agreement?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> What was the original agreement?


Since she paid for the down payment of the house which was 4500-4800 I pay for the wedding. The wedding ending up costing 8000 give or take. We wasn’t together when she got this house.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > What was the original agreement?
> ...


If you agreed to this agreement then that's what you must stick to. Again, this is a decision you made. You can't be mad at her for a decision you made. See the pattern here?

You can of course ask her to help out with the expenses but you can't get mad if she says no. She's under no obligation to pay for something she didn't agree to pay for in the first place.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> If you agreed to this agreement then that's what you must stick to. Again, this is a decision you made. You can't be mad at her for a decision you made. See the pattern here?
> 
> You can of course ask her to help out with the expenses but you can't get mad if she says no. She's under no obligation to pay for something she didn't agree to pay for in the first place.


Never happening again. Used my heart instead of my brain and it’s hurt me in the long run. She took advantage of the whole situation and I fell for it. Thanks for advice though


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > If you agreed to this agreement then that's what you must stick to. Again, this is a decision you made. You can't be mad at her for a decision you made. See the pattern here?
> ...


Here's the thing, I hope you don't think I'm being harsh with you but unless you can develop boundaries and start accepting responsibility for your decisions, you'll keep making the same mistake over and over again in every relationship you get into. 

There's another great book you should read called boundaries in marriage. It will explain what I mean.


----------



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Here's the thing, I hope you don't think I'm being harsh with you but unless you can develop boundaries and start accepting responsibility for your decisions, you'll keep making the same mistake over and over again in every relationship you get into.
> 
> There's another great book you should read called boundaries in marriage. It will explain what I mean.


Ok well we just set down for over an hour and discussed things that bothered us. Went over everything and ask her hey what do you want to do. Do you want to be together and work this out or do you want a divorce. She said I want a divorce so I said ok then. Not even 5 minutes go by and she starts to back track. I’m totally lost here, you can’t make decisions and actions like this and still think someone is going to take this serious.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Ok well we just set down for over an hour and discussed things that bothered us. Went over everything and ask her hey what do you want to do. Do you want to be together and work this out or do you want a divorce. She said I want a divorce so I said ok then. Not even 5 minutes go by and she starts to back track. I’m totally lost here, you can’t make decisions and actions like this and still think someone is going to take this serious.


Get out and make a life for yourself before it’s too late. This is toxic


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Ok well we just set down for over an hour and discussed things that bothered us. Went over everything and ask her hey what do you want to do. Do you want to be together and work this out or do you want a divorce. She said I want a divorce so I said ok then. Not even 5 minutes go by and she starts to back track. I’m totally lost here, you can’t make decisions and actions like this and still think someone is going to take this serious.


You really are kind of thick here...

Dude, why do you think she started to back track? Because you showed that you had a set of balls, that is the only reason. 

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOU CALLED HER BLUFF. 

Why can't you see that???

Get a divorce and learn about women, people and life, and how to keep your balls on.

Then maybe you will be able to have a relationship and not be a doormat...


----------



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> You really are kind of thick here...
> 
> Dude, why do you think she started to back track? Because you showed that you had a set of balls, that is the only reason.
> 
> ...


Yes it’s time. She went back to exactly how she was acting again. Took everything back just like she did last week. Huge headache!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Ok well we just set down for over an hour and discussed things that bothered us. Went over everything and ask her hey what do you want to do. *Do you want to be together and work this out or do you want a divorce. She said I want a divorce *so I said ok then. Not even 5 minutes go by and she starts to back track. I’m totally lost here, you can’t make decisions and actions like this and still think someone is going to take this serious.


None of the rest of this thread matters now that she's said this ^^. Throw this fish back in the ocean mate, let her go.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

frusdil said:


> None of the rest of this thread matters now that she's said this ^^. Throw this fish back in the ocean mate, let her go.


I understand I feel she does these tactics and thinks I’m going to backtrack on everything so I’ll just forget about it since I have everything to lose here. All I expressed was my feeling and said I thought it was only fair she pays for half. That’s her response though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She brings things to the very edge so that she can have the advantage. It's a power dynamic.

You don't want that sort of marriage. It's a constant battle of wills. 

Take a step back. Read the 180 and implement it. Start to detach. People say that her behavior is toxic and I agree.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> So, first she can't accommodate your mother at all for your wedding date and now she won't be around your mother because she doesn't know what she's been told?
> 
> She has effectively blackballed your mother. You should consider this intolerable. Your W has toxic reactions. You need some serious help in dealing with this.


fwiw, one of the first tactics of an abusive person is cutting your family out so you have nobody else. 

Honestly, I don't even understand why you're married. You haven't described a single good thing you're getting out of this marriage.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

turnera said:


> fwiw, one of the first tactics of an abusive person is cutting your family out so you have nobody else.
> 
> Honestly, I don't even understand why you're married. You haven't described a single good thing you're getting out of this marriage.


Well like I said I thought we was getting somewhere a few night ago. Morning came and she’s being all nice trying to get sex out of me. The. Goes to work 4 hours later backtracking everything we talked about. I ask her last night how can you go from being so nice and touching all over me and wanting sex then a few hours later you switch up. She said she was just really horny in the morning and that didn’t help how I feel about her.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

With this short of a marriage, try to get it annulled.

1. *Lawyer up. Have her served.* If she continues to play the narcissistic *****, you are that much closer to her being out of your life.

2. *Watch her actions, not what she says.* Talk is cheap!

3. *You should have never married after she proved to you that you were "Plan B".* She brought another guy into her bed for months. He probably got tired of her bull**** and moved on *(like you should be doing).*

4. *Can you see your life stretching on before you with her self-entitled B.S.?*

5. *Dude, you got to be wondering about what life would be like with another woman*. You need to move on, find someone who worships you, not herself.

6. *Women are drawn to courage, strength, and confidence.* *So far with you, not so much.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From what you've posted you made a mistake marrying her in the first place. 

I wouldn't compound that by staying.

Life is short. Don't waste it.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> From what you've posted you made a mistake marrying her in the first place.
> 
> I wouldn't compound that by staying.
> 
> Life is short. Don't waste it.


I agree. It’s absurd this all happened by me discussing how I felt and what I thought was fair.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Now 4 days later she feels she didn’t do nothing wrong and it was my choice and to deal with it or divorce. I understand what’s done is done I just wish I could’ve done things a little different since it was such an important time of my life.


Bud, this says it all for the most part. You are disposable to her. So you get to take it or leave it?

I got news for you. She's not an irreplaceable princess. 

Don't think you can't/won't get a replay at some point. You can't fix her and I doubt she can either. You do need to fix your attitude of taking what's given. It's not written anywhere you have to accept or settle. It's your life. You'd be wise to live it rather than just settle.

You probably don't see it now but life is very short. The one thing you can never get back.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

turnera said:


> fwiw, one of the first tactics of an abusive person is cutting your family out so you have nobody else.
> 
> Honestly, I don't even understand why you're married. You haven't described a single good thing you're getting out of this marriage.


Wise advice. 

Sometimes when you're dealt a real bad hand it's better to fold rather than go through the pain and agony of playing it out.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> So I’m going to try and make this short and sweet. Been together 7 years had a small break up 3 years ago for 5 months. Fast forward things are going good and I got engaged to my gf in January. Switched job end of February which was a mistake because the schedule ended up being terrible (7 days a week). We planned to get married in July. Catch is I had to pay for it all since she put the down payment on the house. Which she bought a week after the break up 4 year ago that lasted 5-6 months. Dumb me agreed to it. Time went on and I decided to leave my job I was financially stable with what I had. It was 2 months (August) until the wedding. The End of May got here and my grandpa, basically my dad that raised me since I was a baby came down with stage 4 lung and bone cancer. He lasted 3 weeks and pasted away. My mom had used up a lot of her PTO time because of that and said there’s noway she would be able to make it. She wouldn’t have the pto time until October. So I ask my fiancé hey I really want my mom to be at my wedding can we push it back just 2 months. I suggested that would be better especially getting a new job also. She said no either we get married now or you leave me. Well of course I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for and time with the woman I love so I did. I paid for everything. Fast forward a few months later and I feel I was robbed of a part of an important time of my life and it made me question how she really felt about me giving me these ultimatums especially going through my hard time. I’m very frustrated about it and feel unappreciated. Feels like I made a business deal to get married and it makes me sick to my stomach. I brought up how I felt finally because I came to my senses of why did I get sucked into this.
> 
> ...


You list a lot of issues here, what is your main question? That you think she should have postponed the wedding or that she should have paid for part of it? How long had you been planning the wedding, how much notice did your mom have? Weddings are generally on the weekend, depending on distance your mom shouldn't have needed to take more than one or two days off of work? Why is this your wife's fault if mom loses a day or two of pay in order to attend her son's wedding? It appears mom had ample time to know when the wedding was occurring.

You are both utilizing the things you paid for, you are living the home together and you both experienced all the wedding events. Why be pissed about it now? 

Here's the thing, you are not all right and she is not all wrong. It does not appear you got sucked into anything, you made a choice and now you get to live with it. Own it. Both of you appear to throw the word divorce around pretty quickly so I suspect that are issues that are not so much related to _how_ you got married as they are to _who_ you married. If you want out of the marriage, maybe you should just tell her that.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Never happening again. Used my heart instead of my brain and it’s hurt me in the long run. She took advantage of the whole situation and I fell for it. Thanks for advice though


This is totally passive-aggressive. You were planning the wedding since at least February which is before your grandpa died, when did you decide who would pay for it? Was it before he got sick?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Violet28 said:


> You list a lot of issues here, what is your main question? That you think she should have postponed the wedding or that she should have paid for part of it? How long had you been planning the wedding, how much notice did your mom have? Weddings are generally on the weekend, depending on distance your mom shouldn't have needed to take more than one or two days off of work? Why is this your wife's fault if mom loses a day or two of pay in order to attend her son's wedding? It appears mom had ample time to know when the wedding was occurring.
> 
> You are both utilizing the things you paid for, you are living the home together and you both experienced all the wedding events. Why be pissed about it now?
> 
> Here's the thing, you are not all right and she is not all wrong. It does not appear you got sucked into anything, you made a choice and now you get to live with it. Own it. Both of you appear to throw the word divorce around pretty quickly so I suspect that are issues that are not so much related to _how_ you got married as they are to _who_ you married. If you want out of the marriage, maybe you should just tell her that.


Mom knew about it in January. Wedding got moved from June to August for hotel stay to be cheaper on me and her family. Wedding was 900 miles away. I wanted to split the wedding but she said no since she paid for house down payment. Grandpa got sick in May died 3 weeks later in June. My mom used her time getting him back and forth to appointments and ask to see if I could move it up a month to have pto accumulated. Wife said no she’s waited long enough and doesn’t want to postpone anymore if not she doesn’t want to do it.

Yeah someone losing 2-3 days of no pay that lives by themselves can be a pretty big deal. Working for a hospital you have to be pretty smart with your time because you have to use your own time for holidays since they don’t close. But you probably didn’t know that.

Not sure where I said anything about divorce? Word has never came from me. I said how I felt and that’s her way of solving it


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Violet28 said:


> This is totally passive-aggressive. You were planning the wedding since at least February which is before your grandpa died, when did you decide who would pay for it? Was it before he got sick?


Yes it had been planned since January. We moved it from June to August to make it cheaper on me and her family. Wedding was 900 miles away. I agreed to pay for the wedding because she said I owed it to her for the down payment of the house. More stuff kept getting added and I said hey can you help me out with the rest and she said no. An extra 2000 worth of cost got added to me and if it didn’t happen she didn’t want to be together anymore. Same thing went with me wanting to postpone after my mom told me in may she was going to have to use her time off and it would be great it I could move it back some because she would love to come.

Did you only read one post?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Has someone ever took advanatage of your kindness and you really don’t pay attention to it and then maybe later on you realize it and in your head you are like **** that’s messed up? I know I’m not the only one to do that or feel that kind of way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Has someone ever took advanatage of your kindness and you really don’t pay attention to it and then maybe later on you realize it and in your head you are like **** that’s messed up? I know I’m not the only one to do that or feel that kind of way.


Your problem is you've projected your feelings/thoughts onto her but that's not how she thinks or who she is. 

I'm pretty honest and upfront and I learned early on not everyone is that way. It's a learning experience. 

You can't go back and fix it now but learned wisdom and experience will make your life better long term if you use it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Private, l has a question? I don't know anyone asked this but is your name on the title of the house? If so then if so chalk this up to a lesson learned. If not l still believe change is required. I am sorry for your lost, could this loss, be affecting you more than you think?


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Private, l has a question? I don't know anyone asked this but is your name on the title of the house? If so then if so chalk this up to a lesson learned. If not l still believe change is required. I am sorry for your lost, could this loss, be affecting you more than you think?


No my name isn’t on the house and it can’t be since I switched jobs and you have to be there for 6 months to add to it since she wants to refinance. The death isn’t affecting me towards my wife. All I expressed was how I felt about the situation 2 weeks ago. She understood apologized and said we will work things out. I felt like a million bucks to finally get it off my chest. Few days go by and she changes up how she feels.she did that twice already. Did it agin this past Monday and she thinks using the word divorce was the way to solve the issue or scare me I guess.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It sounds like you're just an option to her. So why are you making her a priority?

It's a no win situation. In D you'll not have recourse for the $'s you spent on the wedding but it should be a good lesson learned. Don't repeat it.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> It sounds like you're just an option to her. So why are you making her a priority?
> 
> It's a no win situation. In D you'll not have recourse for the $'s you spent on the wedding but it should be a good lesson learned. Don't repeat it.


Bud, honestly I could care less about the money it was the situation that was pretty crappy for me. Just wanted to be happy and keep things moving forward, but I tried to be fair and it got me thrown out like a piece of trash.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Your wife clearly doesn't respect you. 

She also thinks very highly of herself.

The ultimatums are a huge red flag.

This is a recipe for disaster in the future.

Throw a couple kids in the mix and you 
got yourself a ticking time bomb.

I would do some soul searching about what kind of
future and life you want to have?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is a good short read and may help you going forward.


https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

You're both massively immature and very passive-aggressive. I'm not sure why either of you would want to live like this.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

dubsey said:


> You're both massively immature and very passive-aggressive. I'm not sure why either of you would want to live like this.


Not sure how with me expressing myself and talking about being fair is passive aggressive. Her solution is she doesn’t like what she hears and just uses the word divorce


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

PrivateJ90 said:


> dubsey said:
> 
> 
> > You're both massively immature and very passive-aggressive. I'm not sure why either of you would want to live like this.
> ...


Sounds exactly like what you do. I think that's what @dubsey is referring to. 

I get reading your posts that when you say "you expressed yourself" you are really saying "I asked her to pay half of the wedding costs". And when you say "she does t like what she hears" you are really saying "she said No and she's sick of you bringing it up". 

Forget getting her to pay for half of the wedding expenses. That's over and done. Accept that you made a mistake by agreeing to pay for the whole thing to begin with.

Please, please, please read No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are the perfect candidate for that book.


----------



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Lila said:


> Sounds exactly like what you do. I think that's what @dubsey is referring to.
> 
> I get reading your posts that when you say "you expressed yourself" you are really saying "I asked her to pay half of the wedding costs". And when you say "she does t like what she hears" you are really saying "she said No and she's sick of you bringing it up".
> 
> ...


I’ll read this book you’re talking about but she can’t keep back tracking all the time and use the word divorce when it’s something she doesn’t want to do or hear. I told her how I felt and ask to pay half. She said no and I was fine with that I’ll suck it up and do it but you can’t get mad about what I’m saying and use the word divorce to get away from it all. That made the issue 100x worse.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Not sure how with me expressing myself and talking about being fair is passive aggressive. Her solution is she doesn’t like what she hears and just uses the word divorce


ok, she's clearly passive aggressive, you may not be. difficult to tell since this is only one side of the story, but I'm assuming your confrontation wasn't the most direct thing in the world. Admittedly, this could be a bad assumption on my part.

That said, you're focusing on the wrong part of what I said. Why would you want to live like this? I mean, you break up, she gets with another dude, doesn't work out, comes back to old reliable easy to manipulate PrivateJ90. It's all been manipulation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

PrivateJ90 said:


> I’ll read this book you’re talking about but *she can’t keep back tracking all the time and use the word divorce when it’s something she doesn’t want to do or hear.* I told her how I felt and ask to pay half. She said no and I was fine with that I’ll suck it up and do it but you can’t get mad about what I’m saying and use the word divorce to get away from it all. That made the issue 100x worse.


Yes she can. She can do anything she wants. What are you going to do about it? That's the bigger question.

It seems like your are ignoring the bigger problem here. It's not you paying for the wedding. She dumped you moved onto another quickly and you came back for seconds afterward. Why? 

If you think that can't happen again you're naive. Her throwing up divorce tells you that. 
Wake up and take a long term look to get your priorities straight.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

dubsey said:


> ok, she's clearly passive aggressive, you may not be. difficult to tell since this is only one side of the story, but I'm assuming your confrontation wasn't the most direct thing in the world. Admittedly, this could be a bad assumption on my part.
> 
> That said, you're focusing on the wrong part of what I said. Why would you want to live like this? I mean, you break up, she gets with another dude, doesn't work out, comes back to old reliable easy to manipulate PrivateJ90. It's all been manipulation.


Ha, I was typing while you were posting. Exactly the same thoughts.


----------



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> The most important time in your life is today and all the days ahead of you. Put your focus there.
> 
> I get how you feel. It's valid. You have voiced to her how you feel. She expressed that a part of her knows that she was being selfish. Now she's being defensive, that's why she's taking the stance she has now. Be the bigger man here and let it go.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I’m going to start moving forward with my life. I never thought in a million years me setting down and talking to her about how I feel would resort in her wanting a divorce.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Thank you. I’m going to start moving forward with my life. I never thought in a million years me setting down and talking to her about how I feel would resort in her wanting a divorce.


Reread that please!!!

Think about this, how crazy is this? How in any universe can this be right? How is this not manipulation? Or, how is this not her telling you that she does not give a **** about you?

Think about this, dude, this is WRONG. It is wrong that she does this, and it is wrong the you have allowed it. 

I really say just end it and cut your losses...


----------



## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

ButtPunch said:


> Your wife clearly doesn't respect you.
> 
> She also thinks very highly of herself.
> 
> ...


I agree. Just want to be happy and not have someone use the word divorce when we just have a disagreement. I accept what I said was either right or wrong but there’s a way better solution to all this especially when someone went all out for you and then you’re so quick to just throw out with a word you shouldn’t say. She still says she didn’t mean it but ok. It’s the Only person I’ve been with for 8 years. Going to put my foot down and not be mr nice guy all the time in the relationship when it comes to decisions like this.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Aspydad said:


> She sure does like to give altimatums. When a spouse says get over it or we divorce - this is not a good sign. If my wife was to ever say that - my response would be - ok - I am done as apparently you do not give a **** about my feelings and are willing to leave me for how I feel. Why would you ever be with someone who is willing to toss you aside so easily?? She does not love you - she is using you - thats my take anyway.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> You have a point about waiting 7 years but you have to realize weddings arent cheap. It’s not that easy to come up with 10000 overnight. We went through a break up almost 4 years ago for 6 months. Her reason was to have a fresh start. 4 weeks later she’s with a new guy they didn’t last 4-5 months and then we started talking again. No one is depressed here just concerned on how people get their way.


do you realize that she was cheating on you?

reason for the break up so she could be free test ride her new man


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Not sure how with me expressing myself and talking about being fair is passive aggressive. Her solution is she doesn’t like what she hears and just uses the word divorce


Your solution is to go along to get along and than have buyer's remorse. How many miles do your have to ride in a pre-marriage relationship before you know what you're getting into. If you knew women, you'd know when she ditched you, it was a flawed relationship and her interest level and respect for you had reached an all time low. When a woman loose interest and respect it never comes back to full vigor. You're now little more than a side kick. As far as reimbursement for half the wedding cost, forget it. It was a deal you agreed to and you sound like jerk asking her to make you partially whole because mom decided that some of the balance of her paid leave was worth more than attending your wedding. 
Maybe your old lady has started screaming divorce because she tired of hearing you belly ache about feeling short changed.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Your solution is to go along to get along and than have buyer's remorse. How many miles do your have to ride in a pre-marriage relationship before you know what you're getting into. If you knew women, you'd know when she ditched you, it was a flawed relationship and her interest level and respect for you had reached an all time low. When a woman loose interest and respect it never comes back to full vigor. You're now little more than a side kick. As far as reimbursement for half the wedding cost, forget it. It was a deal you agreed to and you sound like jerk asking her to make you partially whole because mom decided that some of the balance of her paid leave was worth more than attending your wedding.
> Maybe your old lady has started screaming divorce because she tired of hearing you belly ache about feeling short changed.



I was just telling her how I felt about the situation, whether or not she felt it was right was totally up to her. But it’s a real class act to yell divorce when it’s something you don’t want to hear.

You do understand you can’t take time
Off at a job if you don’t have it right? That’s called getting yourself fired. Like I stated before she works at a hospital and you have to use your own time for holidays or you don’t get paid. Mom lives by herself so yeah every dollar counts.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You said, "My mom had used up a lot of her PTO time because of that and said there’s noway she would be able to make it", leave me to think she had some PTO in reserve and didn't want to use it to come to your wedding. Sides that, your wife may have planned the wedding around that certain date and encumbered facilities and people.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> You said, "My mom had used up a lot of her PTO time because of that and said there’s noway she would be able to make it", leave me to think she had some PTO in reserve and didn't want to use it to come to your wedding. Sides that, your wife may have planned the wedding around that certain date and encumbered facilities and people.


I have a feeling you didn’t read anything else I posted.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

PrivateJ90 said:


> Yes it had been planned since January. We moved it from June to August to make it cheaper on me and her family. Wedding was 900 miles away. I agreed to pay for the wedding because she said I owed it to her for the down payment of the house. More stuff kept getting added and I said hey can you help me out with the rest and she said no. An extra 2000 worth of cost got added to me and if it didn’t happen she didn’t want to be together anymore. Same thing went with me wanting to postpone after my mom told me in may she was going to have to use her time off and it would be great it I could move it back some because she would love to come.
> 
> Did you only read one post?


I read the whole thread. And most of it consists of you blaming her for a choice that you made and now crying foul.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

While i dont agree with the wife’s actions, this paying for something in the past and then continually ruminating over it is a non-starter.
For that part take responsibility.

Life sometimes hands us a **** sandwich, or what we Star Trek fans call a Kobiyashi Maru, a no-win scenario.

You guys made a decision based on the info you had at the time. Let it go. 
You just want to be right on this one and it begs the question: do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

In your case though, being married is not in your best interests. You need to move on.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> While i dont agree with the wife’s actions, this paying for something in the past and then continually ruminating over it is a non-starter.
> For that part take responsibility.
> 
> Life sometimes hands us a **** sandwich, or what we Star Trek fans call a Kobiyashi Maru, a no-win scenario.
> ...


I completely agree. I’ve looked past that and accept how she feels about that situation. What really bothered me the most was hearing the word divorce come up so fast multiple times. I just thought our relationship was stronger than that.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

PrivateJ my man, it comes up fast because its an option she's giving you to exercise. Its womanese for "I'm tired of hearing your crap about how you feel shortchanged, how much you put into it, what you missed, and how much I owe you in return. You willfully went along with everything and now you're complaining. If you don't like the way it went down, hit the f-ing trail". Try something dawg. Quit blaming and riding her azz about your dissatisfaction with your investment in the marriage and see if she doesn't shut up about divorce. 
Your mother couldn't or wouldn't make it to your marriage ceremony and youre greatly disappointed because you wanted her there. Can that feeling of disappointment be assuaged and bought off by receiving compensatory damages from your wife.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

Everything has been solved and Admin or mods can delete this please.


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