# 3 times



## kwood

my story starts back in2008 we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


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## tulsy

kwood said:


> my story starts back in2008 we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


What's to save? You can't make her stop seeing the guy, you can only control what you do and what you put-up with.

File for divorce and have her served. See how she reacts and what direction she chooses. If she decides to go with her OM, then let her go, and don't let her come back. If she decides she wants to save the marriage, let her prove it. Let her do the heavy lifting, while you pull a 180.

She's a repeat offender...a serial cheater with the same love interest. You have to put your foot down here and have some real consequences.

Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61

Kwood, you know what you have to do, you can't wish her feelings for him away, after all these years of either lying to you or to herself she has not given up on him...on top of that there is no transparency that she is truly committed to this marriage...so why stay with someone who wants another man...i get you love her, but she can not commit to you...you have three choices...divorce her....open your marriage and you start dating since she already has a date, or live with it...those are it...she has already lied can you trust her to give him up again


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## convert

does this other guy have a wife or girl friend?
If he does expose, it may help stop the affair

sounds like some rug sweeping was done


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## happy as a clam

Holy Smokes!!

The fact that your SON saw your wife kissing another man would be reason enough for me to get the h*ll away from her.

She is a serial LIAR and cheater who has done great damage to your son, as well as your marriage.

What are you going to do? I think you already know what you NEED to do. If not for you, for the sake of your son.


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## thummper

It doesn't sound like she's ever going to change and be the wife you'd like her to be. She's addicted to this guy for whatever reason and she's going to keep pursuing him. Obviously she's not smart enough to hide this from you and you'll continually discover her sneaking around to contact him. Just as obviously, "going to church" hasn't taught her that adultery is a sin. Normally I don't counsel divorce, but in your case I think that it's something you should seriously consider. If she's not willing to give up this addiction (ahhhh, what is it about musicians that make women, married or not, so eager to drop their panties? ) then moving on from her might be your best choice. Make sure she understands what's at stake and that it's you or him. If it's him, help her pack and send her on her way. Good luck to you.


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## kwood

Xenote said:


> Kwood, you know what you have to do, you can't wish her feelings for him away, after all these years of either lying to you or to herself she has not given up on him...on top of that there is no transparency that she is truly committed to this marriage...so why stay with someone who wants another man...i get you love her, but she can not commit to you...you have three choices...divorce her....open your marriage and you start dating since she already has a date, or live with it...those are it...she has already lied can you trust her to give him up again


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

If you do not respect yourself then who will? She continues to play you for a fool and you continue to allow her to do so. If the roles were reversed she would not put up with it so why do you?


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## TRy

kwood said:


> my story starts back in2008





kwood said:


> 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her





kwood said:


> this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.


 You title your thread "3 times", but there were more than 3 times. You only caught her 3 times. With "hidden email and facebook" her relationship with her affair partner has been a well established part of her life over the last 7 years since this all started back in 2008. She found out years ago that after a little yelling, you would quickly forgive her before sticking your head in the sand and do nothing, so she saw no reason to give up her affair partner.


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## bryanp

One other thing.
The title of this thread should be 3 times that you know of which is almost certain to have been an ongoing sexual affair. 
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a good lawyer
3. Protect your son


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## 6301

She deceived you three times. How many times does she have to this to you before you say enough and put a halt to it.

By tuning the other cheek all the time just gives her reason to choose what side of your face she want to slap. You need to stop playing the nice guy and drop the hammer on her. 

Your son saw your wife's behavior. Not bad enough that you had to and if it was me, she would be living someplace other then where your living..................with divorce papers in her hand. Wise up and start taking charge of your life. Truth be told your losing big time


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## G.J.

Its possibly been going on for years behind your back

Get the passwords for her accounts any way you can, there are multiple ways = read weightlifters list

That way you will know exactly what your dealing with when she denies everything you say


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## kwood

think you all for the advice I don't understand how people do this he lives about 70 miles away from us so how would she no he don't have a girl friend up their he plays in a cover band at bars iam sure he mess with orther women to.


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## Q tip

I'm going to church...

"And I'm seeing a lawyer"

On your way over to the lawyer to have her served her D papers, order a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Do not tell her or warn her what you're doing. Just do it. And expose her to her family and friends. Let them all know the truth. Before she says you beat and torture her. Cheaters are liars. And this is just the start. Head her off at the pass now. Protect your finances too.


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## G.J.

kwood said:


> think you all for the advice I don't understand how people do this he lives about 70 miles away from us so how would she no he don't have a girl friend up their he plays in a cover band at bars iam sure he mess with orther women to.


One think I forget to mention is to get an STD check as it sounds as if he puts it around and he certainly has the opportunity


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## vellocet

kwood, divorce this ditch pig


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## italianjob

kwood, 
really, there's nothing to save here, you caught her in 2008, again in 2010 and now. It's safe to assume this has been an ongoing affair (or an on/off one) for almost 7 years now.
Get tested and just divorce her.


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## cdbaker

Kwood, I'm not going to add to the chorus of those insulting your wife and calling for immediate divorce, but you do need to force some consequences on your wife and start focusing on yourself now, for the time being at least.

She continually stays in contact with him (if not worse) because she feels she can get away with it and doesn't believe you will actually walk away if she does get caught. Aside from maybe a short period of unpleasantness at home, she's gotten off scott free each time as the behavior was swept under the rug. She needs to believe that you do not need her, that you will walk away and find someone better than her, and her actions will have painful repercussions.

In my mind, you need to do what you can this time to kick her out of the house and then file for divorce. That doesn't mean you have to be committed to going through with the divorce, but you need to file so that you have time to focus on yourself while also delivering the message that this behavior is 100% unacceptable to you, that you will not put up with it and you do not need her. If she won't leave the home willingly, then you can threaten to expose her repeated adultery to friends and family. (If she decides to continue the contact with the OM either way, you should still expose then as well)

She doesn't respect you and you aren't respecting yourself if you can't put your foot down here. Don't worry about how she'll respond either. Whatever she does, she'll make decisions based on what she ultimately values most and there isn't much you can do to change her heart. Even if she were to choose to go to the OM, all that means is that her heart has been with him all along and you are better off moving on now rather than later. Ultimately though, I suspect she'll come crying back to you sooner than later. I doubt the other man even wants her, just saw her as a bit of fun on the side.


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## NoChoice

Why are you trying so hard to save "ok, not great"?? Find great and you'll kick yourself for staying with "ok" for so long. Good luck.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> think you all for the advice I don't understand how people do this he lives about 70 miles away from us so how would she no he don't have a girl friend up their he plays in a cover band at bars iam sure he mess with orther women to.


When they enter the world of affairland they rarely see what is really going on. In her head he is Mr. Perfect. He probably has a girlfriend or spouse but he uses excuses to justify and your wife will just turn a blind eye.

The thrill and fantasy overrides rational thought which is why its so hard to fight affairs. The relationship is "perfect" in her head. Real life isnt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Exactly who told you he wasn't married?


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## Dyokemm

kwood,

If you haven't confronted about the latest evidence hold off til you do the following.

Expose the totality of her ongoing A, from the beginning to recent discoveries along with the fact you have tried TWICE to fix the M, to all friends and family.

Print out D papers and set them in front of her filled out when you confront.

Tell her you are done with her and want a D.

Between her phone blowing up with friends and family and being immediately hit with papers, it MIGHT shock her out of whatever Fantasy Land she is living in.

Immediately after, expose POS to any BW or gf he has.

Has this been strictly an EA, or has it been PA too?

If its gone physical,then you need to get tested for STDs and demand she do it as well...if POS is in a band, he's probably been screwing around with A LOT of women.


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## the guy

kwood said:


> I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


Wait what?
Why are you the one that is trying to save the marriage.

With this huge degree of disrespect and betrayal you should be out the door.

Your wife should be the one to save this ....after all these years of deceit....she should be begging for forgiveness.

I'm guessing you are the one doing the begging

First of all chicks dig confident guys so stop crying and begging for this marriage.

Second the sooner you get your wife to second guess her choices and get her to think twice in what she is about to lose the better.

It's time you let her go and ask her to leave.....it just might save your ,marriage!


Please just let her go...I have a feeling your wife is still in contact with her boyfriend and if that is the case the marriage is history. As long as the is a third party in the marriage all the work you are doing to save it is useless.

You are not alone...my old lady has been screwing around a lot longer then yours!


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## Sports Fan

Save what exactly???

How about saving what little dignity you have left by file for divorce and kicking her arse to the kerb.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> my story starts back in2008 we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. *please give me some advive thank you*


Kick her to the curb, file for divorce, remove her from your life to the degree possible, and move on w/o her.

Sorry man.


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## kwood

thank you for all your help I no whati have to do for I no my wife will never change .she called last night and said she was not coming home .she acts like she trying to decide between him and .iam no longer an option.


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## G.J.

kwood said:


> thank you for all your help I no whati have to do for I no my wife will never change .she called last night and said she was not coming home .she acts like she trying to decide between him and .iam no longer an option.


You deserve better Kwood a *LOT BETTER*

You will find another women one who will love and respect you as much as you do her

After 6 months separated fully from this vile creature your life will get better


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## to much drama

kwood

i posted this to another guy and most is telling you that same thing.
see is not coming home? she has to think?

You need to give yourself respect, because she is not giving any t you.......................

Good evening, how are you holding up? I went through what your going through back in 1999. I found out and then I divorced.
I have 3 kids, they were 7, 12 and 14 at that time- 2 girls and 1 boy.

You get married to someone for being your best friend, for the respect, for the great communication, for the love. If there are none, or even one out of the that lil group then you do not have a marriage.

She does not care or respect you what - so - ever. going to a bar then to a guys house, and you wonder why you are the way you are right now? Even with one affair is bad enough, but two? and she still does this to you?
You are going to drive yourself crazy wondering and fearing and she is making it worse for you and for the kids.

You need to get a divorce. And think about your kids while doing so. Your wife does not care about you or the kids, she has no respect for you or the kids. she got caught, she made a mistake, she is sorry she will do anything and everything to make up for what stupid thing she did. But she has not done this. she cheated again and now goes to bars late at night, then goes to a guys house. turns off the cell.

Ask her to leave, she what she says. and mean it!! You can not live like this for yourself and for your kids. All that you are doing now is consuming your time and thoughts worrying, thinking what is she doing. It is not good.
Like i said, I divorced back in 1999, i have never talked to her, let alone seen her since.

You just can't keep doing this to yourself, and you can't let her do this to you anymore. She is walking all over you. If she was truly sorry, and really loved you, she would be by your side trying to make you feel whole again.
You will never love her like you first did. You will never make love to her like you first did. And she does not care.

Has she ever told you why she is still doing this to you?
Why she cheated the first time and then the second time?
Why was she at a guys house after the bar? and she was talking to him pior to being at his house? do you know this guy?
And your suppose to be ok with this? and this will not screw you up even more? give you more thoughts? more anger?

This does hurt the kids, they know what goes on with you and her.

Just ask her to leave, tell her you will file, you stay where you are with the kids and she can do the 50/50 visit thing.
she is the one who left the marriage and the kids.

Does it hurt, hell yes. Is it scary, hell yes. She is not taking any of this seriously enough. She wants to be single and just have fun.

CR


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## tacoma

What's to do?

She's been cheating on you a long time with this guy.
You've caught her numerous times and always get the same BS promises.

The only thing left to do is file for divorce.

This may break her out of her affair fog and you can go on to have a better marriage but it's unlikely.

Just divorce her.


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## jnj express

Have all her clothes packed and on the porch, also go on line to your state's (whatever state you live in) legal documents----find the Divorce and Child Custody packets---print them out, and fill them out, and place them on top of the suitcases

Whether you decide to stay with her or not----at least she will now know you are serious, and are not just a piece of meat for her to kick around------

Whatever you do----remember you need to protect your son

If by some strange reason you do allow her to stay----you take away---ALL ELECTRONICS----take away her right to play in a band, or be anywhere where other men congregate, make her sign a POST--NUP, kick her out of the marital bedroom, in to a small room somewhere in the house----and see what level of remorse/accountability she shows

The better option is, that which has been suggested above---GET a D.


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## Dyokemm

"Has this been strictly an EA, or has it been PA too?

If its gone physical,then you need to get tested for STDs and demand she do it as well...if POS is in a band, he's probably been screwing around with A LOT of women."

kwood,

I wanted to restate this from my last post since you didn't address it in your update.

Take care of your health....your son needs at least one stable and sane parent.

And given he is a player musician, you really need to be vigilant on this if this is a PA.

Who knows what you may have been exposed to through your WW's cheating and POS scumbag's probably sizable collection of groupies.


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## kwood

Thank you iam doing ok just not sleeping .she has not been home the last to nights. I just cant belive after 24 years of marriage she would do this to me.she tried to talk to my son but would not anser any of his questions.she just sit their.she thinks because he is older that this dont affect him.but he has veary bad trust issues and he feels like this was don to him to.she acts like its just me she messed over. But this has affect seven years of his life.because i was dumb enough to belive her.


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## Lostinthought61

you need to do the following immediately

set up a new bank account in your name only 
change credit cards in your name only 
change the locks in the house
change your life insurance to your son's name 
contact a lawyer


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## kwood

can anyone help how do you deal with the pain.i feel sad for a while, then scared/then mad, I have such a empty felling inside that I can not stand at times.i sometimes feel like why should I even go on .and be here.i no I have my son and a wonderfull family .but I just want to feel human again.i feel like such a piece of dirt that she would throw me away for him.why would anybody cheat on someone ,.you destroy their life.i can not afford my house and every thing buy my self everything was based on us togather.building a life togather. I think it was just not good enough.


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## ButtPunch

kwood

You are severly codependent. I would research the term and read as many books on the subject as possible. You and your kids are being abused and YOU are allowing it to happen.


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> can anyone help how do you deal with the pain.i feel sad for a while, then scared/then mad, I have such a empty felling inside that I can not stand at times.i sometimes feel like why should I even go on .and be here.i no I have my son and a wonderfull family .but I just want to feel human again.i feel like such a piece of dirt that she would throw me away for him.why would anybody cheat on someone ,.you destroy their life.i can not afford my house and every thing buy my self everything was based on us togather.building a life togather. I think it was just not good enough.


Here you go buddy. Good luck, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. 


"*The 180*"


*So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.*


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## OldWolf57

K, that lil guy NEEDS YOU, that's why you go on.
No one will take care of him like you will, and you know that.

This is your time to finally stand up for your lil guy.
The house, car and furniture is just stuff, and stuff can always be gotten again.
Do Not let him see you beaten down by a broken down woman.Your job now is to show him he has you, and always will.
You do not have time for your pain dude, you be a dad to be proud of for him.

These people have given good advice on what to do next,so get cracking.
From here on it's about your lil guy.


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## bandit.45

Hey brother. You should also read this thread from our esteemed Yoda of TAM...Morituri...

I think it is apropos to your problem. Great wisdom in this thread. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## kwood

I looked up codependent and it fits me to a tee .i belive i was veary codependent on her and she new it.thats why she would do what she did to because thought i could not live with out her .she called today and said we need to talk .i said all we need to talk about is how to end our marriage.i said thats what you want right she said i guss.i dont thik she thinks i will do it ,but i dont see anyway to save this marriage .is anyway any off you would try to save this marriage .iam not going to but just wondering.


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## ArmyofJuan

kwood said:


> I looked up codependent and it fits me to a tee .i belive i was veary codependent on her and she new it.thats why she would do what she did to because thought i could not live with out her .she called today and said we need to talk .i said all we need to talk about is how to end our marriage.i said thats what you want right she said i guss.i dont thik she thinks i will do it ,but i dont see anyway to save this marriage .is anyway any off you would try to save this marriage .iam not going to but just wondering.


The only was to save it is to try to end it and for her to stop you. Being the nice guy just enabled her affair.

That being said I don't see any point in trying to save it. It would cost you your dignity and odds are she would just continue the affair again once the dust settles. Let her go and odds are the affair will die on its own once its out in the open like so many do.


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## tulsy

kwood said:


> can anyone help how do you deal with the pain.....


Hit the gym, HARD.


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## tulsy

kwood said:


> ... .is anyway any off you would try to save this marriage .iam not going to but just wondering.


You can't save a marriage on your own...it takes 2 people.

The only thing you can do is to 180...if she wanted to try and salvage what's left, it would be on her to do so. I wouldn't hold your breath.

Right now there are 3 people in the marriage, so it simply can't work. If she loses the other man and does a serious amount of heavy-lifting, then, and ONLY then, is there any hope in hell of saving the relationship. Likelihood is very low, so don't even think about that right now.

You need time to pass, so stick with the 180.


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## manfromlamancha

Where is she staying now ? Is she with the POSOM ? I am guessing that you know by now that it has gone physical, right ?

Could you ever take her back after all this ?


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## kwood

SHE IS STAYING at her brothers house right now.i went home at lunch and she had been their to get some of her things.i went to see my pastor at lunch and he has started a divorce recovery group the he wants me to join.i do ok durning the day I just hate the nights the bed seems so big with out her .


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## turnera

kwood said:


> thank you for all your help I no whati have to do for I no my wife will never change .she called last night and said she was not coming home .she acts like she trying to decide between him and .iam no longer an option.


You stopped becoming an option when you let her stay married the first time.

Have her served at her job. Call her parents and siblings TODAY and inform them that you are divorcing because she has been cheating on you for over 5 years.

MAYBE then you just might save the marriage, though it's about a 1% chance. The ONLY way she can ever become a good spouse again is if she sees SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES for her actions - her parents knowing what she's been doing, losing the comfort of your money and her home, her kids learning the truth and giving her the biggest truth darts of them all - their disgust. If you won't do these things, you have no choice but to divorce.


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## turnera

jnj express said:


> Have all her clothes packed and on the porch, also go on line to your state's (whatever state you live in) legal documents----find the Divorce and Child Custody packets---print them out, and fill them out, and place them on top of the suitcases


I should have added this.


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## turnera

kwood said:


> SHE IS STAYING at her brothers house right now.i went home at lunch and she had been their to get some of her things.i went to see my pastor at lunch and he has started a divorce recovery group the he wants me to join.i do ok durning the day I just hate the nights the bed seems so big with out her .


Take the bed outside and burn it. Buy a used smaller bed for now.

Are you going to the gym?

Have you brought boxes home and boxed up all her stuff and put it in the garage? Ask your son to help.

Have you started going to a therapist?

Get some temporary antidepressants to help you get through the first 3 or 4 months.

Find some place to volunteer at and start doing it - a LOT.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I looked up codependent and it fits me to a tee .i belive i was veary codependent on her and she new it.thats why she would do what she did to because thought i could not live with out her .she called today and said we need to talk .i said all we need to talk about is how to end our marriage.i said thats what you want right she said i guss.i dont thik she thinks i will do it ,but i dont see anyway to save this marriage .*is anyway any off you would try to save this marriage *.iam not going to but just wondering.


Nope.

Pull the plug now, lest your next thread wind up titled "4 times".


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## Meltherapist

So sorry to hear this, it must be very painful for you. It seems as if your wife is showing little to no care and concern for you in these repeated patterns of betrayal. So you may have to focus on taking care of yourself. If you have re- set the boundaries in your marriage and she is unwilling or unable to keep those boundaries intact, then you may have to start to ponder not am I worthy of this relationship but is it worthy of me? Reach out for support at this time and whatever you do- do not blame yourself. 
Good Luck


----------



## G.J.

kwood said:


> SHE IS STAYING at her brothers house right now.i went home at lunch and she had been their to get some of her things.i went to see my pastor at lunch and he has started a divorce recovery group the he wants me to join.i do ok durning the day *I just hate the nights the bed seems so big* with out her .


Get a dog....oh wait...........


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## tom67

G.J. said:


> Get a dog....oh wait...........


Easy now...:nono::redcard::biggrinangelA:


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## G.J.

Or a cat......


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## kwood

Today i posted on facebook what my wife has done iam sure her whole family will see this witch will make her veary mad at me.i just said what she has done and how painfull it was and for help with my son.but i think it may start a war between the to familys. Did i do the right thing?


----------



## Jasel

Don't know if I would have put that on facebook. I've seen 2 BS who I know personally do that and it got pretty ugly. Moreso for them than the WS.

I would have personally told the family members either in person or on the phone. Why put it on facebook?? Especially since you have kids.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> Today i posted on facebook what my wife has done iam sure her whole family will see this witch will make her veary mad at me.i just said what she has done and how painfull it was and for help with my son.but i think it may start a war between the to familys. Did i do the right thing?


It would have been better to man up and actually CALL those people. But hey, she caused this. 

Curious, though - what's your end result of choice? To make her stop cheating (unlikely), to get her back, or to divorce her?

IIWY, I'd take that post down. Enough people have seen it by now.


----------



## KingwoodKev

kwood said:


> Today i posted on facebook what my wife has done iam sure her whole family will see this witch will make her veary mad at me.i just said what she has done and how painfull it was and for help with my son.but i think it may start a war between the to familys. Did i do the right thing?


She can take her anger and shove it. She's the dirty cheater. You've done nothing wrong. In my case OMW put it on Twitter and Facebook. She also posted pictures from their security system he forgot to turn off one day when my WW was "visiting" him at home (we only live two houses away). That's what got them busted. OMW told the whole world. It caused him to lose his job and my wife to resign from her job. She somehow came up with email lists from her husband's company and my wife's. She sent out a blast email to telling them all what kind of husband she has and told my wife's company that their director of finance was a dirty cheating wh0re that destroys marriages where young children are involved. It was ugly. I mean UGLY. So no worries, man. It couldn't get much uglier than that and we all survived.


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## Tubbalard

Yes you did the right thing. In addition to packing up her items. Change locks, cut off finances, inform the church and tell the whole congregation. Leave the facebook post up there. Inform her workplace. Find another woman immediately. Cut off all communication with her. Post her on cheaterville.


Or just dump everything of hers in the trash. If you paid for the jewelry, take it all back and sell it. If you paid for the car, snatch the keys back. Its yours now. Once she's gone she's gone. No coming back. 

Also rearrange the house. All photos of her rip up. Anything she purchased throw away. Stomp her out like a dead roach. She infested your family with a deadly disease.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Q tip

expose far and wide now call these folks and talk to them too. just like turnera says. do it now.

if she does first, shell make up a story and lie about you.


----------



## vellocet

kwood said:


> Today i posted on facebook what my wife has done iam sure her whole family will see this witch will make her veary mad at me.i just said what she has done and how painfull it was and for help with my son.but i think it may start a war between the to familys. *Did i do the right thing*?


Depends. If you plan on staying with your wife, perhaps not. That is, perhaps not doing it via facebook, but expose to the family and friends via word of mouth.

If you think it is inevitable that you will leave her, then you did just fine.

And any family that would be mad at you, a shoot the messenger type of thing, after what she has done, well then f**k 'em. 

I can't imagine getting mad at my sister's husband if she cheated on him and he simply let it be known. I'd be mad at her.


----------



## kwood

Ok i have not spoken with her since wednesday .should i call her or just let her come to me .i want to call out of habbit because i talked to her every day.but i also think if she wants me she knows were to find me what do you all think?


----------



## turnera

Come over here and hold out your hand so I can slap it.

Jesus Christ, kwood. Your wife is a SERIAL CHEATER and you're asking us if you should call her and kiss her ass?


----------



## tom67

turnera said:


> Come over here and hold out your hand so I can slap it.
> 
> Jesus Christ, kwood. Your wife is a SERIAL CHEATER and you're asking us if you should call her and kiss her ass?


Sigh...
If she calls you let it go to voicemail.
I would say text only so there is a record.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
Why do you want to talk to her everyday? What comfort do you get from that? If she wants you she'll find you, count on it. Right now your pushing yourself on her and she is not interested. Go back and reread what Bandit posted about the 180. Get a grip and get over her. I know it's hard to do and the last thing you want in life but life doesn't give you options. This is where you are and your young man needs you now. Forget her and let her crash and burn with OM, they deserve each other. There is someone out there that can bring back the life inside of you, start looking for them.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> Ok i have not spoken with her since wednesday .should i call her or just let her come to me .i want to call out of habbit because i talked to her every day.but i also think if she wants me she knows were to find me what do you all think?


Dont talk to her at all, I know is impossible bc you have a son but try to just text her and only about son or D matters.

Do 180, this is for detaching not get her back.
Get legal advice ASAP.

The OM is a player and will dump her in no time, whie he is with her she may be willing to D ASAP, use this advantage.

Ibeleve she wil be back beging once OM is gone... dot take her back again!!!!!!!!


----------



## G.J.

180
180
180


----------



## kwood

I no you guys are right .it was a dumb question I guss iam not thinking clearly.we have not done anything about the divorce yet. but I will start on that Monday.you guys are great think you for your help


----------



## turnera

Try to look at her as someone who you were still just dating. If you were dating her and she cheated on you 3 times, would you STILL be dating her?

No, you'd tell her to go F herself and you'd keep looking for a DECENT person.


----------



## kwood

Well the wife called me yesterday .she said she is veary tired and stressed.she said that she felt that we had fallen so far apart that we could never get back togather.it seems to me that we could not get back togather and work on our marriage as long as she is cheating i never could understand how come she would never give me credit for the changes i tried to make.i guess she need me to be the bad guy to make her feel what she was doing was ok.she really acts like she does not no what she wants even if she came back i dont no how we could make it work.iam tired of being 2nd best.


----------



## turnera

Then stop being second best. Start going to therapy to learn to matter. Start ACTING like you matter. Stop accepting crumbs. THEN she'll want you.


----------



## kwood

Has anybody ever sit down and talked to their wife and had them tell you why this happend .my wife says and has said she need affection.she says i would do ok for a few weeks then go back to my old self.she also said that i never acted like things that she wanted to do i did not.she says she lied to me but she feels like i lied to her by saying i would change some things .she said she felt like the maid not a wife and mother.and thats why she went back to this guy .i dont no what to do if i try to work it out i may be the worlds dumbest person.and my family would say iam nuts.witch i may be.i no it takes to build a marriage and to to tear one down,she says she dont no what to do either.she will have to give up all contact with him .but she has said she would before and never done.what should i do


----------



## turnera

Tell her that if she wants you back, she will have to write the OM a No Contact email that YOU will approve and send yourself, that she will have NO PASSWORDS on any of her electronics, that she will hand OVER her electronics for you to check any time you want to ensure she has stopped cheating, and that the two of you will go to marriage counseling until you figure out how to fix the marriage.

Tell her if she's willing to do all that, then you're willing to consider taking her back. If not, then you're fine with moving on and divorcing.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Kwood,

OMG, I don't even know where to start!!!

What you are facing is called "Blame Shifting", consists in the WS blames BS for the affair. In your case she is trying to make you responsible for her affair but you need to understand that Infidelity is a choice not a consequence!

If she wasn't happy she should have told you, after that you kept ignoring her, she should had divorced you!! Nothing can justify cheating, NOTHING!!!



kwood said:


> Has anybody ever sit down and talked to their wife and had them tell you why this happend .my wife says and has said she need affection.she says i would do ok for a few weeks then go back to my old self.she also said that i never acted like things that she wanted to do i did not.she says she lied to me but she feels like i lied to her by saying i would change some things .


Ok, so next time, if you tell her you are going to buy a her a new car and then you can't she have a free pass to reach this guy again, right??? She is just giving you excuses and more excuses.

Any way, any excuse will never be a justification.

Maybe you lied but she did, and is doing, much more than that!!



kwood said:


> she said she felt like the maid not a wife and mother.and thats why she went back to this guy


Of course OM gives (not gave) her tons of attention and she feels very special, he is trying, and getting, into her pants!!!

She feels special because with him she doesn't have to deal with day by day stuff like, bills, kids, budget, etc., As it was secret she was getting a rush avery time!!

In a few words, even if you were playing her tons of attention and affection she was looking to get it from other men. Sorry but the first time she could use this excuse but third time it just doesn't work anymore... 

She is playing you big time!!!



kwood said:


> i dont no what to do if i try to work it out i may be the worlds dumbest person.and my family would say iam nuts.witch i may be.i no it takes to build a marriage and to to tear one down,she says she dont no what to do either.she will have to give up all contact with him .but she has said she would before and never done.what should i do


No, you are not going to be the dumbest person in the world, but you will:

Be her doormat, showing her again, that it is OK to cheat on you because you are not going to go anywhere.

Keep teaching your kids that is OK to be in a abusive relation. It will define what they think is normal in their future relations.

That you only see what she is showing you. I bet she is reaching you because OM is a player and as soon as he realized that your wife (a single mother) would be wanting to have a serious relation with him once she get divorce, he dumped her in a blink. 

Thats why this conversation took place yesterday and not before, or the day you confronted her.

Look, I know is hard and at this moment seems the right thing to do to give her a forth chance (sad but true) to keep your family together this is not right, at least the way she ant it to be.

IMO you should get legal advise and do the next.

1.- Expose big time, to her family if hasnt, your family and very important OM GF if there is any.

2.- Kill the affair, as no contact didnt work last time, and transparency is very hard as she knows how to hide things from 1 and 2 time with this OM, She needs to expose to OM girl friend, family and friends, so she can witness how OM throws her under the bus (saying she was just a easy tale, that she means nothing to him, etc.)

3.- Get her serve!!! nothing slaps put the fog a WS to reality like consequences. Remember that D is porce4ss you can stop any time.

4.- Man up and stop being a doormat. Accept your responsibility as a lousy husband (if you were one), but do not accept responsibility for her affair, it is 100% on her.

5.- Write what you need from her (the pint above and more things) and stop talking to her. Do 180 to detach, not to get her back but to detach.

The best way to get her back is being ready to lose her!!!!! the second you take her back with out any consequence she will think "Why am I going to change? Kwood just proved again that he will be with me no matter what!!"


----------



## Suspecting2014

turnera said:


> *Tell her that if she wants you back*, she will have to write the OM a No Contact email that YOU will approve and send yourself, that she will have NO PASSWORDS on any of her electronics, that she will hand OVER her electronics for you to check any time you want to ensure she has stopped cheating, and that the two of you will go to marriage counseling until you figure out how to fix the marriage.
> 
> Tell her if she's willing to do all that, then you're willing to consider taking her back. If not, then you're fine with moving on and divorcing.


Make a list of all the things your need her to do in order to try to R. Don't give her hope, R has no guarantees of success, but if she do the thing you need you will give it a try.

Very important, STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!!

PS, She needs to come clean about the whole thing as it seems that they never stoped. Make clear to her that she must say the truth no matter how hard it is, that if she lies it is over.

Good luck


----------



## MountainRunner

turnera said:


> Tell her that if she wants you back, she will have to write the OM a No Contact email that YOU will approve and send yourself, that she will have NO PASSWORDS on any of her electronics, that she will hand OVER her electronics for you to check any time you want to ensure she has stopped cheating, and that the two of you will go to marriage counseling until you figure out how to fix the marriage.
> 
> Tell her if she's willing to do all that, then you're willing to consider taking her back. If not, then you're fine with moving on and divorcing.


QFT!

Without even being asked, I made it clear to my wife that I was committed to reconciliation. When I leave for work, I leave my home computer on and unlocked. She has all day to peruse my entire machine. I also told her that at any time, she can simply say she wants me to leave my cell phone with her and I will give it to her. When I'm not using it at home, it is on the table for her to pick up anytime. I also put a GPS tracker app on it for her to see where I am at any given moment and she can also view my history.


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## kwood

Thank all of you for your help.i wish i could get strong and stay strong.your emotions are all over the place when this kinda thing happens .before she always came back.dont think it is going to happen this time i dont think i want her back.iam making plans to move on .i no i will probley loose my house i cant afford it on my own and i hate that because ive always paid my bills.but this is something i did not ask for.i just hope some day i can rebuild my life and be happy.


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## turnera

It's just a house, kwood. I had to leave my dream home that we built from scratch because of some family issues; a wise friend told me 'it's just a house.' She was right; we moved into an amazing house in an even better neighborhood and my house backs up to the woods and we have lakes to walk around and....

Just move on. You'll be astonished to learn how much you can like yourself once you're away from her toxic influence. How much other women will treat you decently. How much fun you'll have.


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## kwood

thank you turnera you have helped me a great deal.


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## bandit.45

Stop letting her blame shift her failures onto you. She cheated because she wanted to. End of story. 

All husbands fail their wives from time to time, but nothing you did warranted her doing what she did to you. Stop taking the blame, man up and see the lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

kwood said:


> Has anybody ever sit down and talked to their wife and had them tell you why this happend .


Let me explain it to you my man and if you doubt it, run it by a couple of women. The reason it happened is because your wife lost romantic interest in you. And that happened before she started banging this guy back in 2008. If she had much interest to begin with. Once they lose romantic interest, it seldom, if ever, comes back. The only reason you're still around is because she needed someone to help pay the bills and her and the other guy couldn't get their ducks in a row. A lot of women want to "save the marriage" when they realize they are no only getting rid of a husband they no longer want, but a pay check as well.
The good news is that despite the pain you now feel, in a few months you'll be rid of her and her disloyal ways. Think about the new, greener pastures with lots of fresh grass to graze, unfettered by a disloyal wife. 
The circumstances were different but I walked away from the tomb I was trapped in with nothing but my truck, a box of tools, and the clothes I was wearing, when I was mid-forty. I retired into a second career as a adjunct professor at fifty eight. You'll be surprised how much better off your are when you realize you're rid of a woman who's not putting your first and really dosn't give a shid about you anyway. ( and dreaming about another guy while on your dime)


----------



## Decorum

ThePheonix said:


> Let me explain it to you my man and if you doubt it, run it by a couple of women. The reason it happened is because your wife lost romantic interest in you. And that happened before she started banging this guy back in 2008. If she had much interest to begin with. Once they lose romantic interest, it seldom, if ever, comes back. The only reason you're still around is because she needed someone to help pay the bills and her and the other guy couldn't get their ducks in a row. A lot of women want to "save the marriage" when they realize they are no only getting rid of a husband they no longer want, but a pay check as well.
> The good news is that despite the pain you now feel, in a few months you'll be rid of her and her disloyal ways. Think about the new, greener pastures with lots of fresh grass to graze, unfettered by a disloyal wife.
> The circumstances were different but I walked away from the tomb I was trapped in with nothing but my truck, a box of tools, and the clothes I was wearing, when I was mid-forty. I retired into a second career as a adjunct professor at fifty eight. You'll be surprised how much better off your are when you realize you're rid of a woman who's not putting your first and really dosn't give a shid about you anyway. ( and dreaming about another guy while on your dime)


:iagree:

I know I am stepping in here late, but Kwood you need to be free of her, rebuild yourself without depending on her so that you can be a better stronger You.

That will be the basis of your future happiness.

Kwood the dirty little secret is that cheaters like your wife hate, hate, hate, it when you move on, they will throw you crumbs to keep you on the hook, DO NOT FALL FOR IT, it is intensely cruel of her to do that. They don't want you at least ATM they just don't want you to move on. So its ok with her for you to remain in such pain.

Meanwhile you are a soft safe place for her to land just in case and temporarily, she does not deserve that, it is very selfish and disrespectful, and it is very bad for you as a person.


She thinks all she has to do is talk to you and she can have you any time she wants, all this "I don't know , I don't know what I was is just the "hooking" bait.

The blame shifting keeps you guilty and wanting to make it right, don't be fooled by it.

Your mind is telling you that she is not the person you thought she was, not someone you would normally respect, but you are working through your feelings, you mind is telling you the truth, as you begin to see her for who she is you will be able to detach from her emotionally and begin to move on, grow, and recover.

I really wish you well, take care!


----------



## bigfoot

Kwood, 

You have been so caught up with this toxic person that your own thinking is toxic. You give credence to her excuses/explanations for cheating. Your outlook on life is based upon how life was with her. She has brought so much darkness into your life that you now wince at the light and long for the darkness. the cold, clammy, unclear, darkness. 

Still, there is a whole bright warm enjoyable world out from underneath this rock where you have been living. Her reasons are lies. It does not matter anyway. The best thing to happen is for you to have to get a new place to live. You are not losing your house,you are getting a new start. I've lost my house before. Believe me, the fear of losing it is far worse than the reality. You need a new start. New surroundings, new people, new everything. Nothing that has her "scent" on it. 

As hard as it is for you to see, the sooner this woman is out of your life and the farther you are away from her the better for you. I mean life is about to get better. Way freaking better. If you have ever traveled and stayed in a 1 star side of the expressway hotel and then stayed in a 4 star hotel, you will understand. It is like night and day. Quit wrestling over the fact that the 1 star lost your reservation.

Good luck getting your mind right because your future without her is brighter than you can imagine.


----------



## kwood

Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this.


----------



## naiveonedave

kwood said:


> Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this.


she can be like this because she is broken. You probably can't fix her. I am sorry about this.

See a doc for the pain, you are likely in depression and meds can help.


----------



## bigfoot

Oh, one last thing. Something a friend of mine told me when his wife cheated. He got angry. He got indignant. He went from the pitiful helpless feeling you just articulated, "how can she do this to me?" and changed it to, "who the f**k does she think she is". "I'm not putting up with this s*#t". 

I'm not saying he thought that the opposite of love was hate, cause its not; instead, he said that because he never felt it proper to feel those negative emotions about his wife he only had compassion, respect, love and as a result, pain and confusion at her actions. He had to take her out of the wife zone of emotions.

For him, and maybe for you, once he turned on anger, indignation, and resentment and other negative emotions, he found that he could also detach from her. Don't become bitter, but you have to figure out a way to view her differently.


----------



## Dyokemm

"Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this."

kwood,

She is doing this, in part, because your co-dependent traits have allowed her to feel she is entitled to it AND that she will never truly face a consequence for trying out a relationship with this POS....I'd bet she still thinks she could have you back anytime she wants if it doesn't work out with this a**hole.

It's in the past, but if you had exposed, filed, and blown up her world the FIRST time you caught her...and also nuked the POSOM's life and world so bad that he had a PTSD reaction every time he thought of her name instead of continuing to mess around with her, then you would not be here.

Either you would have been spared further pain because the M would have come to an end at that time, or she would have learned her lesson, done the hard work to change, and gained the respect for you to never have been so stupid again.

At this time, unless you really want to take a FOURTH trip around on this merry-go-round, you have to follow through and do what you should have done the first time.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this.


Accept the pain. Let in, let it process... Cry, scream, punch a heavy bag, lift weights...

You cannot escape the pain so let it process through you. Just as physical pain when you work out is weakness leaving the body, emotional pain is your heart being heated, hammered and forged into a stronger new element. 

Did you read Morituri's link I gave you? Make that, and the 180, your mantra...your creed.


----------



## kwood

well I have not spoken to the wife since Monday.she don't call or text or anything.she just don't care .I was thanking deep inside the she would call me and want me to take her back.i think the longer she is gone and the less she talks to me the more she will want him.or maybe she wants me to call her and beg her to come back.but even if she did the trust is gone .its hard but I think I should just move on she just don't want me anymore.


----------



## MattMatt

She uses the church as an excuse for cheating. Tell the Pastor.


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## turnera

kwood, when you were younger, did you accept this kind of treatment from girls? From women? If so, do you see that that shows that there's something YOU need to change about YOU?


----------



## Q tip

and seriously.. read Married Man Sex Life Primer. you will learn a lot about you.


----------



## kwood

I think I may be a weak person.how do I get tough.sounds dumb I no .but talk to people about all this and they tell me if I was married to her she would be gone.as most of you have said I should do.. how do I get over her she has been my life for a long time.their are days were I don't feel like I can make it .you just get to the point were you dont care anymore.


----------



## turnera

Are you seeing a psychologist? No? Start there.

And question: have you ALWAYS let women rule you? Were you taught that as a child? Or is it this one woman, and you've said 'hell no' to other women to tried to pull this crap?


----------



## vellocet

kwood said:


> how do I get over her she has been my life for a long time


By dating other women and having fun. Once you do you'll think to yourself, "Phffft, I wish I did this a long time ago."


----------



## bandit.45

Kwood...why are you not answering the questions being asked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

bandit.45 said:


> Kwood...why are you not answering the questions being asked?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy shyt ...your back!:smthumbup:


----------



## Decorum

vellocet said:


> By dating other women and having fun. Once you do you'll think to yourself, "Phffft, I wish I did this a long time ago."


:iagree:

Yep get a little experience under you belt, learn not to invest your responsibility for your own happiness in another person, you will actually be a better partner for it.

Talk to some ladies in an online dating site, meet for coffee and go to the next, learn some skills, then make a better less co-dependent choice. You cannot be afraid of some discomfort or pain that is part of life (you got plenty now anyway), live love laugh!!!!


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## kwood

I dont think i have let women rule me .i think that i have a veary low opinion of my self.like no one elese would want me .my own wife did not want me .but dont most every one how has been cheated on feel this way?i belive i have let her beat me down.


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## turnera

So are you going to STOP?

Have you found a therapist to go to yet?


----------



## kwood

yes I plan to stop.and I have started to see a therapist she called last night and said she wants to talk .wants to no if we have a marriage to save.i think because I have not ran after her or begged her to stay she is starting to think I will go through with a divorce.i just don't think she would do whats needed to save it and there will never be any trust.


----------



## turnera

No, there won't. 

You're in no rush. Ignore her for now and take care of yourself.


----------



## bfree

kwood said:


> Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this.


Why are you so surprised? After 24 years? She's been cheating on you. You've always taken her back? That's what's been going on for 24 years or at least for a very long time. She hasn't changed. But you need to. Start dealing with your codependent behavior. Put the suggestions that posters have given you into action. When you start feeling self sufficient this woe as me attitude of yours will fade away like a bad dream.


----------



## bfree

Ignore her. You are not in a position mentally, emotionally or spiritually to be with her, even if that was a possibility. If she came back and you took her back she would just leave again when another guy came sniffing around. You need to get yourself right before you can think of being with anyone in a long term relationship.


----------



## Lostinthought61

look Kwood, if you know you can't take to her calls now then hold off , do not return your calls until your ready, there is no crime in not responding....meet with the therapist, met with others before you answer her.


----------



## Dyokemm

Keep detaching kwood....you need the emotional distance for clarity while making decisions right now.

Notice this...for the first time you haven't chased her and begged her to stop the A and come back to the M...you have limited contact.

And she is already fearful that you are really going to leave her.

I suspect she knows her POS musician is a total player who wants nothing long term with her....she has probably been cake-eating the whole time thinking she always had you for a solid Plan B.

But now, your withdrawal and lack of pursuit after Dday 3 has awoken her to the fact that Plan B may be leaving the station, and she knows POS isn't going to ride off into the sunset with her.

Expect more aggressive pushing from her to 'fix' the M in the near future....you will need the emotional distance to make clear and logical decisions when this comes.


----------



## kwood

she called me last night and wants to have a meeting tonight to talk about things.she said she don't think we can save our marriage .but she wants to no what I think.what difference would it make .she having a affair she left the house but wants to no what I think?i don't get that.i told her on the phone she can have him iam fine with her our with out her .I just hope I can be strong during our meeting a let her no I don't care anymore.


----------



## turnera

Text her back with this:

As long as you're cheating, I have no desire to meet with you. Let me know if you're ready to stop.


You have NO BUSINESS meeting with her right now. All you will do is get on the ground and kiss her feet and beg her to take you back. And all that will do is ENSURE she never chooses you.


----------



## Borntohang

Don't go!!!! You're not there yet. I know you want to hear from her, but she's already told you she doesn't think this marriage will work! Why are you going? Are you going to try and change her mind? 
I promise you, this won't be the last time she reaches out to you! Don't come running at the snap of a finger. You deserve more!


----------



## bfree

kwood said:


> she called me last night and wants to have a meeting tonight to talk about things.she said she don't think we can save our marriage .but she wants to no what I think.what difference would it make .she having a affair she left the house but wants to no what I think?i don't get that.i told her on the phone she can have him iam fine with her our with out her .I just hope I can be strong during our meeting a let her no I don't care anymore.


What could there possibly be to talk about? All she wants is to set things up so that you're her fallback plan in case things don't work out with her lover. She's afraid you're moving on and wants a soft place to land until she starts to cheat again. If you go and meet with her she's going to be relieved that you are still dancing to her tune. Only by ignoring her and getting yourself on solid footing will you succeed. My advice is to tell her you are moving on and there is nothing to talk about until she stops cheating and decides to commit to the marriage 100%. As long as her mind is elsewhere and her loyalties are fractured she's not marriage material. She needs to really fear losing you before that changes.


----------



## kwood

well what she is saying is we need to talk about the marriage and what we need to do to split things up.but why do we need to talk about the marriage if were going to split things up?she acts like she don't no what to do.i don't no if she is sacred or playing games or if she wants me to end the marriage.so she don't have to .she has said she would never be welcomed back in to our home and our son will never want anything to do with her again.guessshe should have thought about that.


----------



## turnera

Text her:
If you end your affair, I am willing to discuss the possibility of you coming home. If you won't end your affair, we have nothing to discuss. Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer.

Or if you two can't afford lawyers, replace the last sentence with "If you won't end the affair, I will move forward with the divorce and send you the data in the mail."


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> well what she is saying is *we need to talk about the marriage* and what we need to do to split things up.but why do we need to talk about the marriage if were going to split things up?she acts like she don't no what to do.i don't no if she is sacred or playing games or if *she wants me to end the marriage*.so she don't have to .*she has said she would never be welcomed back in to our home* and *our son will never want anything to do with her again*.guessshe should have thought about that.


Stop talking to her and get her serve ASAP.

She nneds tlo talk about marriage because she is feeling guinty...well that is her problem, also she may try to blame you, so remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. it is on her and on her alone.

You should D but the one that ended tha marriage was her, not you!!! you marriage ended tha day she made an informed desicion to continue cheating.

She will (not would) never be welcomed back in to your home because she detroyed her family and now you are selling the house!!! again she destroyed the meaning of home.

Your son will never want anything to do with her because what she has done, not because you decided to D. In the long run she have the option to rebuilt her relation with him but thats her porblam now, not yours and all you can do is not badmouth her infront your son, but remember that you must support your son not her...

Good luck


----------



## bfree

turnera said:


> Text her:
> If you end your affair, I am willing to discuss the possibility of you coming home. If you won't end your affair, we have nothing to discuss. Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer.
> 
> Or if you two can't afford lawyers, replace the last sentence with "If you won't end the affair, I will move forward with the divorce and send you the data in the mail."


Or a court appointment arbitrator.


----------



## bandit.45

180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

So did you guys meet?


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> well what she is saying is we need to talk about the marriage and what we need to do to split things up.but why do we need to talk about the marriage if were going to split things up?she acts like she don't no what to do.i don't no if she is sacred or playing games or if she wants me to end the marriage.so she don't have to .she has said she would never be welcomed back in to our home and our son will never want anything to do with her again.guessshe should have thought about that.


She sees you pulling away from her, and it's freaking her out. She might have thought that she could spend a while running around (again) and then come back to you once her tank was empty, so to speak, and that you're not begging her to come home has her worried. She sees her Plan B slipping away from her, and she's hoping that a face-to-face meeting -- wherein she can say all the right things to keep you on the hook -- will reel you back in.

It's beyond time for the 180, but don't do it thinking that it'll pull her out of the fog... because she's not in any sort of fog. She knows *exactly* what she's doing (after all, she's done it before), and it's time that she sees some consequences from it.

180.

Detach.

Divorce.


----------



## MattMatt

What could there be to talk about?:scratchhead:

Her: "I am a cheater."

You: "No, s**t, Sherlock? Ya figure?"

The end.

Oh. wait! You can do this via text!

What would be cruel (and to be used as a fantasy only, probably) is to take your son along to the meeting and say: "Well, tell us why you no longer love us?"

Then present her with the DNA result proving he is your son and the clear STD/HIV tests results and say: "You got lucky."


----------



## kwood

Well i meet with friday night she first ask me if we could wait a few months before we do anything she wants to stay seperated and try dayting and see if we have anything left. I also asked her to be honest about how she feels aboutme witch is a dumb question because she has pretty much showin me how she feels. She also said i did not make her feel loved or wanted and all she was is the maid around the house.but i work 65-70 hours a week i was tired wheni came home so i guess i did not help out to much around the house/she has all kinds of reasons she did what she did but i dont think any was good enough to cheat on me 3 times


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## turnera

Isn't she great...at blaming it all on YOU?

'bout what we expected. And you fell for it.


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## PhillyGuy13

She wants to keep you on the back burner, as a Plan B for a few months while she figures out if her rock star lover can hold down a real job and support her. If he cannot, then she will be back in your waiting arms with HIM on the back burner for the next time she has an itch he can scratch for her.

She's been sleeping around behind your back, lying to you for 6 years. And then blames you for her indiscretions. Do you seriously have ZERO self respect? File for divorce NOW/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Well i meet with friday night she first ask me if we could wait a few months before we do anything she wants to stay seperated and try dayting and see if we have anything left.


LOL... what?!? She's already _been_ dating! And this isn't the first time. C'mon man... don't fall for this bulls*t.

What she wants is a few months to get her sh*t together so that she can exit your marriage as smoothly as possible.



kwood said:


> I also asked her to be honest about how she feels aboutme witch is a dumb question because she has pretty much showin me how she feels.


Yep. Actions, not words. Look at what she's done and doing, not what she's saying.

And make no mistake -- what she *IS* saying is 111.11% absolute, complete, and total bullsh*t.



kwood said:


> She also said i did not make her feel loved or wanted and all she was is the maid around the house. but i work 65-70 hours a week i was tired wheni came home so i guess i did not help out to much around the house/she has all kinds of reasons she did what she did but i dont think any was good enough to cheat on me 3 times


Assuming that you've not been doing it just so that you're not at home (as in you needed the money), if you've been working 65-70 hours a week to provide for your family, I'd say that you've been doing your part.

Now... if you've denied her affection when you _are_ home, that's another matter entirely. But if that *IS* the case, she should be happy to bring your marriage to an end now as opposed to waiting a few months.

But that's not what this sh*t is about -- she wants to continue banging this guy for a few weeks/months in order to determine whether or not he could be LTR material. And, as I said above, all while slowly working to exit your marriage as smoothly as possible.

_And all on your dime._

F*ck waiting.

180. Detach. Divorce.

ETA: How old are your kids? You might want a few of these...


----------



## alphaomega

Hey friend.

Everything that you are going through is normal. She WILL blame you for everything, because that's what cheaters do to make themselves believe they didn't do something really bad with cheating. They blame you because she can't admit the truth.

Ths is normal reaction from every cheater.

You? You will feel horrible. And you won't sleep. And you will lose weight. That's normal too. Your mind is trying to deal With what just happened. It's not a good feeling.

You will get depressed, and have low self esteem. Because your mind is also trying to come up with a plan to fix things. Make everything right. You will start to think that it's all your fault, and if you just be nicer to your wife, everything will work itself out. That's your mind grasping for a plan, and it seems to make sense. But it's not a good plan. Don't listen to your own mind right now. The best thing you can do is do nothing for a while.

Things will get better, friend. But not right away. Usually, in about a month, you won't feel as stressed out. After two...you start forgetting about your cheating wife...at least enough to start to feel normal again. 

Then, there will be times you get depressed again. That's normal. But just let it pass. It doesn't last as long as right now.

Eventually, you will feel more confident again. Enough to make a rational decision on what you want to do. 

But beware...your wife is making you wait for her...while she goes out and has fun like a single person. She wants you to wait so she has something to fall back on if her boyfriend pulls the plug on her and dumps her after he gets bored. You are her plan b, my friend.

When he does dump her...which he will, she will come running back to you, full of tears and remorse. Crying and saying sorry. And making promises to you that sound wonderful. She will even try to seduce you...and there is a 90% chance you'll also get a blow job from her.

This is when you have to be the strongest you will ever have to be! Those promises, and that sex, will be enticing and wonderful to you. And she can suck you back into her lies and cheating ways in that one single moment if you are not strong enough to see through the act.

Take time to get past the grief. And feelings of loss. Then gain some confidence. And when that time comes...you will be more prepared to make a decision that doesn't involve fear and your penis.


----------



## alphaomega

When it happened to me..

I took the blow job and the crazy monkey sex...then still booted her ass to the curb like originally planned.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Second fiddle is no place to be in a relationship.

I think if you fall for it, she's just going to keep playing you as such.


----------



## alphaomega

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Second fiddle is no place to be in a relationship.
> 
> I think if you fall for it, she's just going to keep playing you as such.


Don't disrespect the fiddle with those vile thoughts! 

Second fiddle brings harmony to the song and completes the lead fiddles voice.

It would be better to say don't fall for her shat.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Kwood
You should have taken Turnera’s advice but instead you met with her. She wants to keep dating to see if she can get a better deal because you are plan B. In case her world falls apart she will come back to you as a last resort. You are not number one; in fact you are not even number two.

You already know how she feels about you as she has betrayed you and has violated her love for you, her integrity, her vows, and her faith. If she keeps rejecting you it may be best for you; because you do not seem to have the cajones to put her out of your life. You seem to be too weak to take the pain and put in the work so that in the future you will be a much stronger man with a better life. You have told us how you have a low opinion of yourself and this betrayal and rejection by your wife has made you even weaker. If this continues you will be completely destroyed.

If she came back begging you would probably jump at the chance to take her back. The number one action I would suggest you take is for you to concentrate on YOU. Get the help you ned then you do the work so that in the future so you can take a hit like betrayal and react quickly so you can recover. Right now you are deeply hurt, like all BSs, and are even weaker than you were before the A.

If you get stronger you will be in a much better position to make decisions in the event that she comes back to you or she never comes back. You are in an emotional war and only the strong will survive. You need to concentrate in YOU getting your opinion of yourself in much better shape. Any time you spend licking your wounds and trying to get your wife back will be time taken away for your solution for you getting better. If you do not put yourself as number one and look out for you who is? It is very obvious that your wife is not and has been doing the opposite of helping you in any way.

Force it to concentrate on ONLY YOU and keep your contact with your wife to a bare minimum or none at all.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Kwood,

First of all I would like to remind you that:

1.- You are not alone, here are alot of persons willing to help you and that know how to do it by own experience. It is hard to hear the truth but is needed.

2.- No matter what she said , IS NOT YOUR FAULT! She should have done things different to fix the marriage before, like MC, even D.

3.- YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE! Right now you are not feeling this and are scared and full of pain but let me assure you that YOUR ARE GOING TO BE FINE.
About your meeting her last friday, nothing that you weren't expecting, right:

Blame shift, saying is your fault, This is not the first or second time she does this, it is totally her fault. She also was trying to redeem herself, to get rid of the guilt she may have (this is not for you, I believe she checked out teh marriage long ago, but for her children).


In other hand, again she is trying to keep you as plan B. She has been taking you fron granted for so long that she thinks she can keep doing this. IMO this is the main problem because Why she should change if your are going to be there forever no matter waht???.

From othe rangle, I believe that she will persuit full time relation with other men and want your blessing (pretty sick right). other possibility is she has already being dumped by A (player run like the wind once things get a bit serious) and is trying to find another person... well the out come is the same: She is not going back to you, nor your marriage!!

She is just using you while finding somebody else.

Ask your self these 3 questions,

How can she figure out if she want to be with you dating other persons, like she has being doing, and not being with you seeing if you already change??? this is because she the excuses she told you are just that excuses and not justifications.

What will happen after the 2 months dating??? well you already know the answer.

Do you think she will do what it takes to heal you and your kids if ever come back??? You Know that answer as well.


At this moment you have nothing to lose, why dont you try to take the control of your life back? Just dont talk to her any more, do 180 and file ASAP.

You should really start thinking of you and your children, let her do whatever she wants as you can do nothing.


----------



## Wazza

kwood said:


> Well i meet with friday night she first ask me if we could wait a few months before we do anything she wants to stay seperated and try dayting and see if we have anything left. I also asked her to be honest about how she feels aboutme witch is a dumb question because she has pretty much showin me how she feels. She also said i did not make her feel loved or wanted and all she was is the maid around the house.but i work 65-70 hours a week i was tired wheni came home so i guess i did not help out to much around the house/she has all kinds of reasons she did what she did but i dont think any was good enough to cheat on me 3 times


Kev, here is a sad truth.

You can't stop her cheating, and you can't stop her divorcing you. If she is going to do it, you get no say.

Its really important to accept this. Until you do, you will be looking for what you can give her that will win her back. And there is nothing. You will give away a lot of stuff for nothing.

When in her affair, my wife was completely illogical, and did things completely counter to her normal values, and there was nothing I could say or do.

She wants to live apart and date. Will she be faithful to you during that time, or will she date others? Is she interested in reconciling, or is she simply heading to divorce in slow steps?

I wouldn't make it so easy for her.


----------



## tom67

Kwood not to be harsh but she does not respect you because you don't even respect yourself.
Again get the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"
You really need to read it brother.


----------



## Chaparral

You caught her three times. That doesn't mean she only banged him three times. What are the odds, over all those years, you caught her every time she saw him. Look at the hours you were working to support her. She's had plenty of time to have met up with him a hundred times while you were busting your a$$.

She's never been faithful and she doesn't plan to now.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Honestly Kwood,

Please tell us your not buying any of the crap she is selling you...please tell me your not a freaking doormat waiting for her to make all the decisions...you have a son that is looking to you to make manly decision in life, are you the man you want him to grow up to be...a guy that will allow his wife to cheat on him over and over again...if you don't want to do this for yourself do for him...kick that woman to the curb, grab your balls put them on and walk of out her life she deserves NOTHING.


----------



## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> You caught her three times. That doesn't mean she only banged him three times. What are the odds, over all those years, you caught her every time she saw him. Look at the hours you were working to support her. She's had plenty of time to have met up with him a hundred times while you were busting your a$$.
> 
> She's never been faithful and she doesn't plan to now.


*cough* DNA the kids!


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> *cough* DNA the kids!


:iagree:
Gus he has to walk before he can run.
But yes he should down the line I don't think he is mentally in shape for this.


----------



## kwood

no I don't belive any of the crap she is telling me I have found me a apartment.and iam moving out and moving on .she has done this to me for the last time and she has lied to me for the last time.i don't what order is best to do things in but I found a apartment that fits my budget and I don't want to loose it.i no longer want or can afford my home so time to move on.she has made it clear she is not comming back because AND THATS FINE I GUESS what gets me is how she would say little things to make me think she may come home but I really don't want her anymore.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> no I don't belive any of the crap she is telling me I have found me a apartment.and iam moving out and moving on .she has done this to me for the last time and she has lied to me for the last time.i don't what order is best to do things in but I found a apartment that fits my budget and I don't want to loose it.i no longer want or can afford my home so time to move on.she has made it clear she is not comming back because AND THATS FINE I GUESS what gets me is how she would say little things to make me think she may come home but I really don't want her anymore.


Uhhh... are you renting your current home?


----------



## kwood

No iam buying


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> No iam buying


Dude, don't walk away from that equity. Sell your house before moving! Otherwise you'll completely ruin your credit.


----------



## kwood

Well today i went home at lunch a their she was getting more of her stuff .kinda sad to see her doing that but it is her choice.she wants to wait and file in june.dont no why i think it is her way to keep me on the side.you no today at work i laughed a little and kinda forgot about things.and it may sound silly but i kinda felt guilty for it.i would like to think each and everyone of you for yor help.i and i no i will be back on seeking help.i hate this for all of us who have been through this but if all the b/s stick togather and with gods help we can all get back to a normal life someday


----------



## Dyokemm

Waiting til June does nothing for you or your needs here.

Most likely, she is still hoping to keep you as a possible Plan B while she continues her A.

File immediately IMO.


----------



## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> Waiting til June does nothing for you or your needs here.
> 
> Most likely, she is still hoping to keep you as a possible Plan B while she continues her A.
> 
> File immediately IMO.


Show her you deserve better and you do.


----------



## Wazza

Have you taken legal and financial advice on your situation?

For example, does delaying till June alter your financial liabilities post divorce, for example longer alimony period? Does it give her time to empty you bank accounts, incur debt that becomes half yours, and so on?

You might think she wouldn't do that. But did you expect her to cheat?


----------



## kwood

Well i had a pretty good day .to day i feel bad did not sleep like i said she got more stuff out yestarday.and that really bugs me .this seems like a bad dream and i will just wake up and it will be gone.i no she loves the orther man and thats killing me.i just wish this was all over with.


----------



## kwood

I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best


----------



## tom67

kwood said:


> I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best


kwood please stop none of us is perfect we all have regrets but her decision to cheat is HER decision.
Now please go see a few lawyers then pick one and file and get some ic asap.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best


This is not your fault!!!!

Cheating is a choice not a consequence.

There is always other ways to deal with a unhappy marriage.

The affair is100? on her. Dont let her, or anybody, tell you different


----------



## Dyokemm

"I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best"

kwood,

She is using the fact that you are a loving, and caring person against you for her own selfish and manipulative reasons.

People who can see the love and dedication that another person has for them, and then utilize that fact to use, abuse, and manipulate them are EVIL SCUM.

GET MAD!!!

It should anger you to no end that she can do this.


----------



## Wazza

kwood said:


> I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best


I went through the same feelings when it happened to me. But its not true. I'm sure you weren't perfect....noone is......but that does not excuse what she has done. 

Now, you need to be strong. You need to get through this for you and for your kids. So you need to gather yourself.

Get regular exercise. Set some goals and chase them. Give time to your kids....remember she has cheated on them too. They need you. You have to be there.


----------



## NosborCrop

file now,she is not worth


----------



## kwood

IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


----------



## vellocet

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


Well, for one's own integrity, I'd always say wait until a divorce is final. But after that, anytime is ok as far as I'm concerned.

As far as her, keep your integrity and hers intact. Wait until the divorce is final. You can wait.


----------



## G.J.

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


Normally a long time before dating as you will become attached to some one quite easily BUT in your case if you can stop falling in love and take it easy BOTH of you then by all means go out *occasionally* to help each other...*become friends first*
If you get involved too quickly it may turn out badly

So friends ok.....sex NOT


----------



## tacoma

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


You can do what you want but be very careful about taking a relationship into serious commitment territory so soon after your split.

From your description of her you both are going to have some serious issues so if you do get with her take it slow(very slow) with no promises or commitment.

I'm not one to advise to wait for divorce as depending on the situation it can take a damn long time.

Some states/countries require up to a years separation before papers can even be filed.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


Wow. Just...

...facepalm.

ALL the facepalms.


----------



## Q tip

Omfg
ygbooyfm


----------



## BetrayedDad

kwood said:


> i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to.





kwood said:


> I AM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.


Well, that was fast... Must of finished MMSLP already.


----------



## GusPolinski

BetrayedDad said:


> Well, that was fast... Must of finished MMSLP already.


:lol: :rofl:


----------



## Suspecting2014

IMO dating will help you a lot, feel desired, etc. It will be a boost!!

Just be careful, as others said, you may attache real fast.

IMO you should do it!!!!!!!


----------



## just got it 55

kwood said:


> I think the worts is if I had been a better husband this would have never happened .I have a lot of guilt.but I no I did my best


kwood this is exactly what she wants you to think

Stop that sh!t now

If you know you did your best That's all you need to know

Fvck her and feed her beans

55


----------



## GusPolinski

just got it 55 said:


> Fvck her and feed her beans


LOL... WTF does that even mean?!?

:lol: :rofl:


----------



## just got it 55

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... WTF does that even mean?!?
> 
> :lol: :rofl:


Go down east (Maine) you will hear that from the old timers on occasion 

55


----------



## bfree

just got it 55 said:


> Go down east (Maine) you will hear that from the old timers on occasion
> 
> 55


Hmmm, I must be an old timer then.


----------



## the guy

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


If anyone were needs to get laid ASAP...it's you!

Just keep in mind this is just going to be a fling. This chick and even you are just looking for a bandaid. You and this new chick are not in the right frame of mind to start any kind of relationship, other then an ego boost in having some good sex with someone that actually wants to have sex together!


----------



## Jasel

kwood said:


> IAM JUST KINDA OF WONDERING.HOW LONG AFTER YOU SPLIT .is IT OK TO DATE .IVE BEEN TALKING TO A GIRL WHO IS ABOUT MY AGE.SHE IS GETTING DIVORCED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATTING ON HER.WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT INCOMIN.SHE WANTS TO MEET FOR DINNER .IS IT TO SOON?


Personally I think it's fine. Just don't take what she says as the gospel truth just because it's coming out of her mouth. I've seen too many stories of people lying about why they're getting divorced or at least not giving the full story. 

Don't get attached either. Waaaay to early for you to be getting serious with anyone.


----------



## wmn1

are you sure this other woman is 'getting divorced' ??Or is she simply making excuses to step out on her husband (who if she is right sounds like skum).?

There are many single women out there. Why be the OM and why not just go with someone who is less drama and unattached ?

You are hopping out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

Play it smart man. Play it smart


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kwood take it slow but why not go out, just don't set any expectation....it's good to talk....but and this is a Big But...please do not Make all about the exes the majority of time should be about the both of you.


----------



## Jasel

And if you do want to date you can't find a woman who isn't still married???


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## kwood

I would just like to no how you get through the day were you dont fell like you can make it.ive talked to orther women and even talked about dating.but i wanted my old life back with my wife and family togather .she has made it cleat that is not going to happen she wants the orther man.she wont even talk about our son who is taking this veary hard.i dont not what to do for him.she has turned so cold and heartless toward us .what do i do.every say move on but how she was my life and i loved her.


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## Borntohang

Who is your support? What does your family say? What does her family say? Did you expose at church? 
Sorry if this has been answered!


----------



## wmn1

Do this fir yourself Kwood. Read your posts here as if they were coming from me and not you.

Then what would you advise me to do ??? Then apply that advice to yourself.

If you want to stay in a cheating relationship for the rest of your life, that's on you. 

Or you can move on, get healthy and find someone better. You keep drifting back to the same ol' abuse


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## wmn1

I am sorry about your son


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## kwood

My family is my support i have not heard from her family since this has all happend .witch iam sure she has made me out to be the bad guy.my family says to divorce her and get on with my life the will all be here to help me .but its hard for me and my son i no he is older but he is still taking this hard.


----------



## tom67

kwood your family is right it is time to file.
Do some research on the term codependent and get some ic now.
You and your son will make it through the storm.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I would just like to no how you get through the day were you dont fell like you can make it.ive talked to orther women and even talked about dating.but i wanted my old life back with my wife and family togather .she has made it cleat that is not going to happen she wants the orther man.she wont even talk about our son who is taking this veary hard.i dont not what to do for him.she has turned so cold and heartless toward us .what do i do.every say move on but how she was my life and i loved her.





kwood said:


> My family is my support i have not heard from her family since this has all happend .witch iam sure she has made me out to be the bad guy.my family says to divorce her and get on with my life the will all be here to help me .but its hard for me and my son i no he is older but he is still taking this hard.


180.

File.

180.

Divorce.

180.


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## BobSimmons

There comes a time..sorry to be harsh, when you need to take it on the chin and man up..not just for yourself but for your boy.

Get a divorce and start living your life man. Moping around is not going to fix anything, the only one that is suffering is you..and by proxy your boy.

Don't you think it's time to move on and built a new life for yourself and your son?


----------



## just got it 55

BobSimmons said:


> There comes a time..sorry to be harsh, when you need to take it on the chin and man up..not just for yourself but for your boy.
> 
> Get a divorce and start living your life man. Moping around is not going to fix anything, the only one that is suffering is you..and by proxy your boy.
> 
> Don't you think it's time to move on and built a new life for yourself and your son?


:iagree:

The only way to look at it Bobby

55


----------



## honcho

You need to file for divorce. Waiting until June like she wants does nothing but prolong the who ordeal. Your need to get yourself out of the denial stage. Your old life will never come back. Its gone. 

Your "the bad guy" in her eyes and right now every single move you make she will counter with you being "the bad guy". Just file, quit talking to her and quit holding onto the old family picture in your head. 

You need some emotional distance to gain real perspective on your situation. This journey sucks and right now your in no win scenario because everything your doing is reacting to her whims. Change the game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

Kwood the more you talk to her the worse its going to be for you (and your son). Cut her out of your life now! As if you are getting rid of a poison that is slowly killing you. The longer you leave it in place the more of you gets killed.

You have got to snap out of fairy tale land where "you and your family" live happily ever after. You need to do this precisely for your son's sake.

Take a deep breath, surround yourself with friends and family who support you, and divorce her. Make sure you cover your bases when doing this. Get your adrenalin going as it would when you flee from danger. Plan and execute. You will have time for reminiscing about the good old days later (not that its a healthy thing to do in this case) - get moving!

Are you saying she is prepared to abandon your son and give you full custody ? If that is the case, that is half your battled done. Get her to sign a piece of paper to that effect as soon as you can (with attorney of course). If she snaps out of this she will make life hell for you when it comes to custody. Also I am guessing if that is the case she does not want alimony either. If so, that too is great.

Take advantage of the fact that she is in this fog because when it ends, thats when the going really gets tough.


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## Dyokemm

File for D and do not contact her unless its about the D or your son.

Any woman who is determined to destroy her relationship with her own child for a POSOM is absolutely worthless as a W.

Free yourself from this horrible woman ASAP.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> But I wanted my old life back with my wife and family together. She has made it clear that is not going to happen she wants the other man. She won’t even talk about our son who is taking this very hard. I don’t not what to do for him. She has turned so cold and heartless toward us . *What do I do.*


*You have been told several times what to do. You just do not want to accept reality.* 

She has made it very clear that she wants the other man. I know that is a very hard kick in cajones but you have no choice but to accept that and deal with it. If you do not accept that you will be a broken man in a short time.

*Stop wasting time trying to figure out how you can get her back and get busy NOW concentrating on you and your children*. If you do not get stronger in your self-esteem you will a detriment to your children and everyone else including yourself. Get help from every source you can so that you do not become a begging door mat.

Millions of men have done it and so can you.


----------



## kwood

just wanted to think everyone on here for your help. I meet with her last night after no concotact for a few weeks and now she is fence sitting saying she does not no what she wants.you see I have rented a house and getting ready to move .I have meet a nice girl who is a friend and will stay that way for a while .and I have moved on with out her.witch is something I don't think she thought I would do.but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> just wanted to think everyone on here for your help. I meet with her last night after no concotact for a few weeks and now she is fence sitting saying she does not no what she wants.you see I have rented a house and getting ready to move .I have meet a nice girl who is a friend and will stay that way for a while .and I have moved on with out her.witch is something I don't think she thought I would do.but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


I wont be tire of repeat this to you:

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. ( I needed to hear it a couple of thousand times at my time) This is 100% on her.

She should had do this in so many different ways but she chose to cheat.
Now she is trying to justify why she didn't, well tell her this:

"Guess what he, cheating is a choice not a consequence. Even if you felt the marriage was bad, you choose to have a affair again and again instead of making it work".

The reality, as you pointed out, is that she took you for granted and though that she would come back again whenever she please. Now you have done thing she didn't know you could, she is becoming nervous that you may be gone.

I bet OM wants to keep things simple now that she is a "free" woman.amnd she is playing cool with him trying to buy time by blaming you. Well you know what to do:

GET RID OF HER ASAP ( I needed to hear it a couple of thousand times also)

Stop talking to her, comunicated only for Chindreen/ Divorce matters.

This is not the first time she do this, and wont be tha last, you need to choose if you want to go thougth this shet gain with her man up and become the father your chindreen deserve.
(note that until now you had taugth your kids that is OK to be a doormath)

Good luck

Keep posting, keep venting and hold on, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> just wanted to think everyone on here for your help. I meet with her last night after no concotact for a few weeks and now she is fence sitting saying she does not no what she wants.you see I have rented a house and getting ready to move .I have meet a nice girl who is a friend and will stay that way for a while .and I have moved on with out her.witch is something I don't think she thought I would do.but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


Ignore her bullsh*t. It's nothing more than a bunch of entitled cheater double-talk designed to shift blame and keep you off balance.

And nevermind what _she_ wants, because what *YOU* want is a wife, lover, partner, and co-parent that can demonstrate the capability to be loyal to both you and your family unit. And if she's shown you anything over the course of your marriage, it's that she cannot -- and will not -- be that woman.

Kick her out of your life and move on w/o her.


----------



## RV9

kwood said:


> just wanted to think everyone on here for your help. I meet with her last night after no concotact for a few weeks and now she is fence sitting saying she does not no what she wants.you see I have rented a house and getting ready to move .I have meet a nice girl who is a friend and will stay that way for a while .and I have moved on with out her.witch is something I don't think she thought I would do.but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


Her reasons for having an affair isn't your concern. Your concern is getting out of this toxic situation. Just file and move on. Only she can fix herself, not you, not your children, not God.


----------



## Dyokemm

Tell her in no uncertain terms that you had NOTHING to do with her choice to cheat with this POS....that's all on her.

Continue with filing for D.

Oh, and tell her you hope she enjoys her new life as a groupie...cause she certainly paid a high price to obtain it, sacrificing her M and her relationship with her son for a scumbag who probably has a dozen more like her.


----------



## bfree

kwood said:


> just wanted to think everyone on here for your help. I meet with her last night after no concotact for a few weeks and now she is fence sitting saying she does not no what she wants.you see I have rented a house and getting ready to move .I have meet a nice girl who is a friend and will stay that way for a while .and I have moved on with out her.witch is something I don't think she thought I would do.but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


So every man and woman that doesn't get what they consider enough attention is justified to commit the ultimate act of betrayal against their loved one? Horse hockey!


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> *what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation*,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


The bold above is another reason why your need help for your self-esteem and emotions. *You listed a LOT of things that you tried but she stoned-walled all of them yet you still allow her twisted mind and buulshyt excuses bother you!*

Your wife has decided to make a very damaging decision THREE TIMES! You have stated the most important information about your relationship with your wife below:



> i just don't think she would do whats needed to save it and *there will never be any trust.*


You will be in pain for a while but you can get better every week or month. Use your girlfriend to help you realize that you are a good man and keep going to your therapy. Your wife has a twisted mind and she does not even pay attention to her own son. She has WAY TOO MUCH baggage for you to carry and you need to do everything for yourself and your son and not be involved with your wife at all. You must put her out of your life and do everything you can to get better because your emotional health is at stake. *You are now in a war and only the strong survive.*

If you do this right then you will wonder why you felt so guilty about you making her betray the family. *She is trying to put the blame on you for her selfish decision to commit the worse act in a marriage ( 3-times) that does great harm to you and her own son. *. You are buying into some of that crap but think of it this way. You not paying enough attention to her after you work 65-70 hours a week, if true, is like my boss not giving me enough attention at my work so I try to burn his business down and then go to his competitor to try and work against my boss. In the justice courts a misdemeanor is a LOT different than attempted murder.

If she thought that she needed more attention then why did she refuse your many attempts to get your marriage in better shape?

*Get the divorce as soon as possible. If your wife gets her perverted mind out of the fog and proves to you for years that she is remorseful and is a truly changed woman then you can remarry her in the future if you want*


----------



## turnera

I'm curious. Where did she learn to blame ALL PROBLEMS on her man? From her mom? From her dad? Friends? Whoever it was, they were not teaching her right.

The only thing you can do at this point is feel sorry for her. That she never learned to be responsible for her own actions.

Next step: tell her so.


----------



## Q tip

have you served her with D papers yet?
have you read MMSLP yet?
have you manned up enough not to take sh!t or contact with this human stain of a WW?
have you been totally decisive on how you handle this and the rest of your life?

why not take a long weekend trip by yourself to a nice warm place with a beach and palm trees. maybe learn to play billiards or snooker. those things will clear your mind.

strategize and plan the rest of your life. you own your future. no one else does.


----------



## Q tip

turnera said:


> I'm curious. Where did she learn to blame ALL PROBLEMS on her man? From her mom? From her dad? Friends? Whoever it was, they were not teaching her right.
> 
> The only thing you can do at this point is feel sorry for her. That she never learned to be responsible for her own actions.
> 
> Next step: tell her so.


i think i know how she votes (if she does). its never her fault, no matter what.


----------



## kwood

well today she called to let me no she was taking some more things out of the house.she said she is having a veary hard time with this .that she is going to loose everthing .she said her mom wont hardly talk to her .and she made her bed now she has to lay in it.she says she could never come back home and make things work.witch may be true but like a dummy when I talk to her I act as if I may be willing to take her back.witch iam torn on weather I would or not,i don't see how I could.but when you think about getting your life back you do think about it.but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust.would she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens


----------



## G.J.

kwood said:


> well today she called to let me no she was taking some more things out of the house.she said she is having a veary hard time with this .that she is going to loose everthing .she said her mom wont hardly talk to her .and she made her bed now she has to lay in it.she says she could never come back home and make things work.witch may be true but like a dummy when I talk to her I act as if I may be willing to take her back.witch iam torn on weather I would or not,i don't see how I could.but when you think about getting your life back you do think about it*.but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust. she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens*


read, re read....then read again


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust.would she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens


Your thinking above is spot on!! Now you have to battle your emotions and not get weak.

Use all your pain to motivate you to work ONLY ON YOU and do not let your wife into your life in thought or actions. She has made you back up plan S (sucker) and weakened you so you think about compromising.

*No man or woman should ever be plan S no matter what the cost*. Most women like your wife come crawling back after a year or two becuase they find out that the OM is just as disgusting as they are.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> well today she called to let me no she was taking some more things out of the house.she said she is having a veary hard time with this .that she is going to loose everthing .she said her mom wont hardly talk to her .and she made her bed now she has to lay in it.she says she could never come back home and make things work.witch may be true but like a dummy when I talk to her I act as if I may be willing to take her back.witch iam torn on weather I would or not,i don't see how I could.but when you think about getting your life back you do think about it.but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust.would she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens


So she wants stuff and played the ever popular "victim" poor her in order to get what she wants. That about sums it up?


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

Yeah...it sucks man...I'm sorry for you and your son.

You loved her.....you had good times with her, both as a couple and with your son.

Of course, your heart would WANT to somehow get that M back.

Unfortunately, that M is forever dead and buried.

She killed it with her selfish cheating....and it is NEVER coming back.

Your head knows this, even if your heart doesn't want to accept it.

Just stay the course and move on....you deserve better than the broken remnants of the M that are all she has left to offer you.

Even if you managed to build a new M with her, it will never be the same as before....and the pain of her selfishness and cruelty will always be there to some extent.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> well today she called to let me no she was taking some more things out of the house.she said she is having a veary hard time with this .that she is going to loose everthing .she said her mom wont hardly talk to her .and she made her bed now she has to lay in it.she says she could never come back home and make things work.witch may be true but like a dummy when I talk to her I act as if I may be willing to take her back.witch iam torn on weather I would or not,i don't see how I could.but when you think about getting your life back you do think about it.but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust.would she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens


Let me be blunt...

Your marital life has been pretty sh*tty up to this point. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT?!?


----------



## Wazza

kwood, I am going to give you a different perspective, though I would not advise getting back with her right now either.

You are spot on about trust. That is the hardest thing in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.

You also need to see that what she was talking about was her....what she is losing. Were she to come back, that might be the reason. It might have nothing to do with wanting to be with you.

Finally your own feelings are really confused at this point. You need to work through them.

So my advice would be to stay separate at least for now. If you want to divorce her and move on, fine. If you want to work on things, don't rush into it. That would just make it harder to work on things.

I know where you are at hurts. But I also know from personal experience that, if you decide to reconcile, it's not the end of your pain. In some ways its the beginning, because reconciliation is painful, and that trust thing you mentioned eats at you for a long time.


----------



## convert

GusPolinski said:


> Let me be blunt...
> 
> Your marital life has been pretty sh*tty up to this point. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT?!?


:iagree:





does Mr. blunt know you want to be him


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> well today she called to let me no she was taking some more things out of the house.she said she is having a veary hard time with this .that she is going to loose everthing .she said her mom wont hardly talk to her .and she made her bed now she has to lay in it.she says she could never come back home and make things work.witch may be true but like a dummy when I talk to her I act as if I may be willing to take her back.witch iam torn on weather I would or not,i don't see how I could.but when you think about getting your life back you do think about it.but what kinda life would it be there would be no trust.would she just be coming back so I can be her safty net .she really don't love me she has proven that.so iam going to do what I have to do and what ever happens /happens


Your life was a lie, now you cant go back knowing that your life never existed.

There is no way back! Even taking her back nothing would be the same. Besides it would only last to next time OM needs release...

Move on and have the life you deserve. And most important show your kids dont become a doormat


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kwood, she is playing you until the next time......don't you get she is stuck and now she wants you to rescue her....you be the white knight, in your mind ...but let's face reality in her mind you will ALWAYs be plan B, you will always be the doormat for needs.....and every night you go to bed with her, the little voice in your head will always be telling yourself you'll always be second best....don't you think you deserve better, don't you think there is a woman out there who wants to put you first. What about your son, what do you want to show him, this is how a relationship should work?


----------



## kwood

Tonight i go see the thyprist.to try to help me get through this .iam trying veary hard but the pain and the empty feelings are awfull. I feel ok for a while and then real sad for a while .its all over the place. I think what iam asking is does it ever really get better does the pain go away. And when do you stat feeling like a person again instead of a peice of crap.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Tonight i go see the thyprist.to try to help me get through this .iam trying veary hard but the pain and the empty feelings are awfull. I feel ok for a while and then real sad for a while .its all over the place. I think what iam asking is *does it ever really get better does the pain go away. And when do you stat feeling like a person again instead of a peice of crap.*


Does the pain go away? Yes and no. It does subside, and it does get much, much easier to manage, but it never _truly_ goes away.

What you need is both time and distance. 180 180 180 180 180.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.


----------



## tryingpatience

GusPolinski said:


> What you need is both time and distance. 180 180 180 180 180.


Definitely agree. Worked for me and many others. Be patient with yourself. It's ok to feel bad. One day you'll wake up not feeling like sh*t.

One day you'll also wake up happy beside someone else :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera

You also need to be filling your time with new stuff, so you have new good memories to think about. Classes, sports, friends, volunteering...how much of these things are you doing?


----------



## kwood

Well i have been sick since friday she text me sunday and i told her that i was not feeling good .she has text me a couple more times askin me hoe i was feeling . I said to her in her last text why do you care you have a boyfriend and a band to take care of .witch made her veary mad.she text me this morning and said we need to file for divorce and wanted to no if i wanted to do it or should she. I said i would but when do they come out of the affair fog and wake up to what they are doing.me and my son have told her how painful this is she really dont care.she wants out.do you think she will ever wake up or do you think she will marry this guy and be happy. Iam trying to be strong but this is killing me .when will it get better?


----------



## bandit.45

File. 

Just file for God's sake like we have been telling you to. Why do you not trust us? We know a hell of alot more about this adultery stuff than you do. 

TAM is the best resource for dealing with an adulterous spouse that you will find anywhere. 

You have been told repeatedly what you need to do, yet here you are a month later still hemming and hawing and sitting on your hands. From what I can tell you have done nothing...but wait for her to come back to you. That is weak. 

Be a leader. Show your son that you have the strength to lead him and yourself out of this hell your wayward wife has put the two of you in. Show him you are a strong dad and not a weakling who lets his wife lead him around by the nose.


----------



## bfree

bandit.45 said:


> File.
> 
> Just file for God's sake like we have been telling you to. Why do you not trust us? We know a hell of alot more about this adultery stuff than you do.
> 
> TAM is the best resource for dealing with an adulterous spouse that you will find anywhere.
> 
> You have been told repeatedly what you need to do, yet here you are a month later still hemming and hawing and sitting on your hands. From what I can tell you have done nothing...but wait for her to come back to you. That is weak.
> 
> Be a leader. Show your son that you have the strength to lead him and yourself out of this hell your wayward wife has put the two of you in. Show him you are a strong dad and not a weakling who lets his wife lead him around by the nose.


Like...Like...Like...Like...Like


----------



## MyTurn

Kwood ,
the real question is when will you get out of your fog.
She doesnt love you ,never did.
You are her safty net ,nothing more .
File for divorce and move on.


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## honcho

If you wait for her to file she probably never will. Its what they do. This will get better once you start taking control of your life back. Your reacting to her instead of living your life. None of this is fun or even what you may want now. Whether she ever wakes up from the mythical fog isn't your concerns. She made the decision. 
Some "wake up" some never do. Who care if she stays with the new guy forever. She is not with you. Its sounds harsh but once you get some emotional distance you will see that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kwood

Bandit you are right and thank you. Ive been doing what she wants and not what i want.feeling sorry for my self and being a whimp. She needs to go and be out of my life for good.she is not worth all this she lies cheats and made me look like a ass. Iam going to file and put all this behind me ,but the worst part is i flip back and fourth and time iam made and want her gone the next time iam all upset and want to cry. How do i stay in the mad mode and want her gone?


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## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> Iam going to file and put all this behind me ,but the worst part is i flip back and fourth and time iam made and want her gone the next time iam all upset and want to cry. How do i stay in the mad mode and want her gone?


As bandit has stated you are acting like a weakling and need to get stronger. You do not have to feel like you are a worm just because you break down and cry that is normal b*ut that is a normal that has got to change.* You are in a WAR my friend; a war of emotions and she has given you the 9-11 attack with her three planes of disrespect going right into your heart.

*Stand up and make yourself determined that you are going to get stronger then do those things that will get you stronger*. 
Do you have family or friends that you can have fun with or let them help you heal? Do you have something that you always wanted to do but put it off? If you do then DO IT! Do anything and everything so that you get stronger. Just like at Pearl Harbor we got the shyt kicked out of us by the betraying Japanese’s but when we got stronger what happened? Well you can take a look at some of the pictures pf Hiroshima and see what happened. Japan is now our trading partners and they depend on us for defense. In other words we are much better off than Japan.

Maybe some of the veterans of divorce on TAM can give you some ideas about how you can get stronger because you* just saying I am now going to get strong is not enough you have to do something to get stronger.*

Bandit was right when he told you that 



> By Bandit
> You have been told repeatedly what you need to do, yet here you are a month later still hemming and hawing and sitting on your hands. *From what I can tell you have done nothing...but wait for her to come back to you. That is weak*


Many have told you what to do and my post to you 15 days ago (see below) told you what everyone else has told you. How many times do you have to be told? Shyt or get off the pot!

You have been betrayed and we all want you to come out swinging so that you can get better for you and your son. *Your son needs someone that will not abandon the family and that someone is YOU!*



> If you do not get stronger in your self-esteem you will a detriment to your children and everyone else including yourself. Get help from every source you can so that you do not become a begging door mat


.


----------



## kwood

Ok can somebody please tell me my son called and said she would be over tonight with her brothers to get the rest of her stuff.why does this up set me so bad is this normal to feel like this


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## turnera

kwood said:


> she would be over tonight with her brothers to get the rest of her stuff


Well, at least ONE of you is acting like an adult and doing what needs to be done...


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Bandit you are right and thank you. Ive been doing what she wants and not what i want.feeling sorry for my self and being a whimp. She needs to go and be out of my life for good.she is not worth all this she lies cheats and made me look like a ass. Iam going to file and put all this behind me ,but the worst part is i flip back and fourth and time iam made and want her gone the next time iam all upset and want to cry. How do i stay in the mad mode and want her gone?


the 180

the 180

the 180

the 180

Practice it, do it, live it.


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## bfree

Kwood, listen to bandit. He's all over this.


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## Dyokemm

Pile her sh*t up on the porch in trash bags.

Sends a clear message of what you think of her cheating a**.


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## Wazza

kwood said:


> Ok can somebody please tell me my son called and said she would be over tonight with her brothers to get the rest of her stuff.why does this up set me so bad is this normal to feel like this


Of course its normal and its going to go on for a while. Sorry, but knowing is the first stage in dealing with it. 

Once you move on it starts to hurt less. But if there is a miracle cure, I don't know it. 

Are you hoping in your heart she will come back to you?

And what does your head say?


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## kwood

Yes i think deep down i was hoping she would come and say she was sorry and go to marriage couasling .and she would change .and we would rebuild our family.that is what i wanted .my heart says move on get rid of her the she is a lie and a cheat.and cares only fo her self .and that even if she came back my life would be hell .i would be 2nd best their would be no trust .and i dont think i would ever forgive her after 3 times.i dont no why iam taking this so hard i new what she was doing .i could tell somthing was wrong .the way she would hid her cell phone .she would not give us passwords to the computer. I no iam better off with out just have to be strong 24 years is a long time with one women.


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## Wazza

At some point you have to move forward.

What are you doing for you? Exercise, interests, social stuff....


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## Dyokemm

"At some point you have to move forward."

This point cannot be stressed enough in this situation.

So far, kwood is making NO effort or progress in this area.

As his last post shows, he is still pining after her and the M he wants to believe he had...despite the fact he has caught her 3 times and she is so lost in the A that she is willingly sacrificing her relationship with her own son.

kwood....start fighting for your own future happiness!

Even if she came back, it would only be to cake-eat some more and you would soon enough face a FOURTH Dday.

Save yourself and your son!


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## kwood

I do belive i have done some things to move forward.i have rented a new house ,that iam going to move in to this weekend .i have started going to see a thyrpist, who is helping a lot ,i have a appointment to file for a divorce. Iam going out saturday night to have some fun. Me and my son are going out to go bowling with a group of friends, iam going back to church, and iam trying to listen to you guys.thank you for all your help


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## Wazza

kwood said:


> I do belive i have done some things to move forward.i have rented a new house ,that iam going to move in to this weekend .i have started going to see a thyrpist, who is helping a lot ,i have a appointment to file for a divorce. Iam going out saturday night to have some fun. Me and my son are going out to go bowling with a group of friends, iam going back to church, and iam trying to listen to you guys.thank you for all your help


This is a good list. 

There are two things you need to be careful of. First is, getting sucked back in if she chooses to use you in some way. Second is, you loved her, and you need to grieve.

A lot here are telling you to get on with ending things because they went through pain of trying again and trying again, only to be dragged through the same old pain. 

It's your life, and you need to make the decisions. But hopefully you are seeing that, while your heart still wants her, your head knows its over. You just have to work that out.

It hurts, but you have to be strong for your son.

Hang in there. It hurts, but you will get through.


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## Dyokemm

kwood,

That list is great.

Just keep pushing your mind and body forward....eventually they will drag your heart along with them.

Keep making progress one day at a time.

And Wazza brings up an important point....beware of her 'hoovering' you.

She is a total cale-eater.....that type of person very rarely truly wants to give up their cake.

She will probably try to use anger, manipulation, and false tears/remorse in constantly alternating patterns to eventually wear down and break your resistance to her.

She will want her quiet and compliant Plan B back eventually.


----------



## manticore

Kwood I need you to heat me out and save this in your mind.

I not your fault and there is nothing different you could have done to prevent this, it was you wife weakness and selfinesh what make the situation like it is right now.

I am sure in your mind you are still replaying scenarios of what could you have done different or better to keep your wife with you, and the answer is none, even being the perfect husband you could not have been perfect enough, you are probably still wondering about this:



kwood said:


> but what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.


Kwood I have been for years (more than 10) reading and learning from infidelity cases, literally thousand of it, and you have to undertand that cheaters are alwyas like this

Is human nature to see themselves as good, see it thi way, your wife have to options:

1.- she is a Wh0re who have betrayed 3 times a good man that loves her with a guy from a band, and is willing to leave that good man and her son for a shot with a dude that probably consider her one among many.

or

2.- she is a good woman that was never really loved by the man she was with, he never put attention to her, or cared for her enough, then she meet this guy that has loved her a put attention to her as anyone before (yeah sure while going to events a sleeping with other women) and that keep having contact with her trought years proving her that they have a special bond and he is the one.

you have to understand that for those who are weak (and cheaters unable to be layal are weak) escaping for the thrill of the forbidden and pleasure is near to impossible your wife is in that cycle and will justify her behavior in any way possible (just as alcoholic and drug addicts justify their reasons to keep being addicst)

dude believe me there are many men out there much less commited ti their relationship than you that probably have never even thinked about counseling and their wives have never cheated, don't let her convice you that her cheating and her weakness is your fault.

you have to focus on you and your son


----------



## kwood

manticore said:


> Kwood I need you to heat me out and save this in your mind.
> 
> I not your fault and there is nothing different you could have done to prevent this, it was you wife weakness and selfinesh what make the situation like it is right now.
> 
> I am sure in your mind you are still replaying scenarios of what could you have done different or better to keep your wife with you, and the answer is none, even being the perfect husband you could not have been perfect enough, you are probably still wondering about this:
> 
> 
> 
> Kwood I have been for years (more than 10) reading and learning from infidelity cases, literally thousand of it, and you have to undertand that cheaters are alwyas like this
> 
> Is human nature to see themselves as good, see it thi way, your wife have to options:
> 
> 1.- she is a Wh0re who have betrayed 3 times a good man that loves her with a guy from a band, and is willing to leave that good man and her son for a shot with a dude that probably consider her one among many.
> 
> or
> 
> 2.- she is a good woman that was never really loved by the man she was with, he never put attention to her, or cared for her enough, then she meet this guy that has loved her a put attention to her as anyone before (yeah sure while going to events a sleeping with other women) and that keep having contact with her trought years proving her that they have a special bond and he is the one.
> 
> you have to understand that for those who are weak (and cheaters unable to be layal are weak) escaping for the thrill of the forbidden and pleasure is near to impossible your wife is in that cycle and will justify her behavior in any way possible (just as alcoholic and drug addicts justify their reasons to keep being addicst)
> 
> dude believe me there are many men out there much less commited ti their relationship than you that probably have never even thinked about counseling and their wives have never cheated, don't let her convice you that her cheating and her weakness is your fault.
> 
> you have to focus on you and your son


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kwood

WELL SUNDAY I HAD TO MEET WITH THE WIFE ABOUT SOMTHING WITH THE SON.AFTERWARDS WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE .I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM ALL WEEKEND .AND THEN SHE SAW ME LAST NIGHT I THINK IT WAS BOTHERING HER WHAT SHE DID.SHE DONT NO I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM. WE TALKED AND IT EVEN CAME UP ABOUT US GETTING BACK TOGATHER. I TOLD HER NO AS LONG AS SHE WAS SEEING HIM AND IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME BEFORE WE COULD GET TOGATHER WE WOULD HAVE TO START OVER.SHE HUGED ME A LOT AND KISSED ME A FEW TIMES SHE ACTS LIKE SHE IS TORN ON WHAT TO DO.WE WE HUGED SHE KEPT SQUEEZING ME REAL HARD. WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT I DID NOT DO IN OUR MARRIAGE AND WHAT SHE DID NOT DO .HOW WE JUST FELL APART.i DONT NO IF I COULD GO BACK WITH HER OUR WANT TO .MY FAMILY IS GETTING UPSET WITH ME TELLING ME SHE IS TROUBLE AND TO MOVE ON.WITCH IAM TRYING TO DO.BUT THERE IS STILL LOVE THEIR I THINK. WOULD ANYBODY ON HERE EVER TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS I DONT NO.


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## MyTurn

Kwood,
Just tell her that after what she's done and the chances she's been given you have to divorce her.Your marriage is dead.
If she wants you and only you ,the ball is in her court to win you back.
She needs to show you with acts of love and respect that you are the one (and only) she wants. It's up to her to do it.


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## Borntohang

Just stop already! She spent the weekend with this guy and you're hugging and kissing on her? Really? How did he taste? I hate to be so crude, but listen to your family.... You "Think" she feels bad? I've seen this quote on TAM. It's one I've told my son many times. "Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do"! I your case, your wife is spending the weekend with her musician boyfriend, having Rock Star sex and you're giving her tight hugs! "Just let them go"!


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> WELL SUNDAY I HAD TO MEET WITH THE WIFE ABOUT SOMTHING WITH THE SON.AFTERWARDS WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE .I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM ALL WEEKEND .AND THEN SHE SAW ME LAST NIGHT I THINK IT WAS BOTHERING HER WHAT SHE DID.SHE DONT NO I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM. WE TALKED AND IT EVEN CAME UP ABOUT US GETTING BACK TOGATHER. I TOLD HER NO AS LONG AS SHE WAS SEEING HIM AND IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME BEFORE WE COULD GET TOGATHER WE WOULD HAVE TO START OVER.SHE HUGED ME A LOT AND KISSED ME A FEW TIMES SHE ACTS LIKE SHE IS TORN ON WHAT TO DO.WE WE HUGED SHE KEPT SQUEEZING ME REAL HARD. WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT I DID NOT DO IN OUR MARRIAGE AND WHAT SHE DID NOT DO .HOW WE JUST FELL APART.i DONT NO IF I COULD GO BACK WITH HER OUR WANT TO .MY FAMILY IS GETTING UPSET WITH ME TELLING ME SHE IS TROUBLE AND TO MOVE ON.WITCH IAM TRYING TO DO.BUT THERE IS STILL LOVE THEIR I THINK. WOULD ANYBODY ON HERE EVER TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS I DONT NO.


Any "love" that's "there" is completely one-sided -- from you to her.

As for the rest of it...

:slap:


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> WELL SUNDAY I HAD TO MEET WITH THE WIFE ABOUT SOMTHING WITH THE SON.AFTERWARDS WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE .I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM ALL WEEKEND .AND THEN SHE SAW ME LAST NIGHT I THINK IT WAS BOTHERING HER WHAT SHE DID.SHE DONT NO I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM. WE TALKED AND IT EVEN CAME UP ABOUT US GETTING BACK TOGATHER. I TOLD HER NO AS LONG AS SHE WAS SEEING HIM AND IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME BEFORE WE COULD GET TOGATHER WE WOULD HAVE TO START OVER.SHE HUGED ME A LOT AND KISSED ME A FEW TIMES SHE ACTS LIKE SHE IS TORN ON WHAT TO DO.WE WE HUGED SHE KEPT SQUEEZING ME REAL HARD. WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT I DID NOT DO IN OUR MARRIAGE AND WHAT SHE DID NOT DO .HOW WE JUST FELL APART.i DONT NO IF I COULD GO BACK WITH HER OUR WANT TO .MY FAMILY IS GETTING UPSET WITH ME TELLING ME SHE IS TROUBLE AND TO MOVE ON.WITCH IAM TRYING TO DO*.BUT THERE IS STILL LOVE THEIR I THINK*. WOULD ANYBODY ON HERE EVER TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS I DONT NO.


You should stop talking to her, becasue everytime you do it she mess with your head big time.

IMO this is what happened since your 3d D'Day:

She thinks that now that you know about the affair, she and OM will ride a unicorn to the sunset and live happily ever after.
She ran to OM with the great news but OM is not all into a serious relation with her (A soon to be a divorced mother). She thinks is too soon and will f*ck his brain out to engage him. The problem is that she needs time to do it and stability, maybe being a SAHM, so she decided to go back to you until OM realized they belong together. At this point is when she starts saying that she will never be forgiven by you and the kids, hoping you beg her to stay and rug swept everything so she can continue the affair. Also deep in her mind is trying to convince her self that is doing the right thing... Surprise, surprise, she doesn't get it. At this point she believes doesn't matter; just need some more time to make you beg her to be back as always.

Meanwhile, OM realizes that his peace of tail, your wife, is probably getting D for real and will be wanting a serious relation. Of course he is not ready so he starts rejecting her except for the sex. trying to cool her down about a relation. He hast tell her that they won’t ever be together as a couple but is trying to gain time to get laid more times.

She goes to your home to get her things as she knows that is just a matter of time for her and OM to commit to each other. Thats why she was could and went with more people to get her stuff.

She spend the weekend with OM so he realizes that they belong together but.. Surprise surprise... he doesn't, and under her pressure maybe he tells her that he is not ready to commit and doesn't know if he will ever be. She starts to suspect that maybe he is not in love with her as he has been telling for the last 3 years (or more). She realizes that need time to try harder.
She needs time to think, so she talk to you searching to come back home and put herself together and figure about how to convince OM that they belong together. Deep down she is feeling alone and scare because there is a chance that OM is not prince charming. This is why she was emotional, not because she loves you, not because she is losing her family but because maybe she made a mistake.

Now some facts:


A remorse WW never will be in touch with AP while trying to get back at BS. As you can read at TAM.

She never broke up with this guy, not once since the first D'Day.
She now is realizing what a Divorce will be like and doesn’t want it, not for you or your kids, but for her.

She is starting to realize that OM maybe is not that wonderful man she fell in love.

She knows, not believe, that you will let her be back anytime, she just need to put the right effort, from begging a beat to try to have sex with you. (I really hope she is wrong about this point)
Cheaters lie, she is lying to get back to her family, not because she cares but needs a place to put her sh*t together.

You are Plan B, not only this time or last 3 times, and you will always be. The problem of being plan B is that always is a Plan A out there.

TEHRE IS NOT LOVE, at least from her side. What you are feeling is what you hope but nothing else. I am deeply sorry but she doesn’t love you.



My suggestion:

Run, as fast as you can from her and file D ASAP and get her serve.

Stop talking to her, do 180, except for kids or D matters. Better just by text not face to face.

Don’t believe her, not a single word.

Start you brand new life, focus on your kids and teach them that nobody should be mean to them like your wife is/was to you ever. this will make them have a healty couples relation in the future.


Look, if I am wrong and she really wants to be with you for real and you are willing to give her a chance, why don’t you try this:

Ask her for a timeline for all the affair with OM, from the beginning,. First time, until today. Also ask her to tell you if there has been other Affairs. She reluctantly will agree but thinking that she won’t do a thing because you are about to take her back. Then you tell her that until she gives you the TL you are not going to consider R. Then she will think that can make a light version where she and OM never had sex, just hug for hours at the night. Now the trick, inform her that everything will be verified by a poly test. This is when she refuses and get agree and say, again, that you will never forgive her or believe her.

Sorry for this long post but your thread really triggers me.


----------



## honcho

Kwood you just have to stop interacting with her. You not emotionally strong enough to deal with her yet. She can and will play you like a fiddle because she has for so long. Your family sees it, the bulk of tam gang sees it. You need to open your eyes and see it too. 

Your emotional heart is overriding your brain and your not the first and you won't be the last. You are the dreaded plan b for her and you have been for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

She maybe finding out that the OM is not all that she thought, she may have a little guilt, she may want to hold on to both of you for her own selfish reasons or she may have some emotions that she thinks would benefit her if she hugs you and kisses you. None of those are in your best interest.

Real love has Loyalty, trust, and actions that prove that. Your wife has none of those! You are hoping that she has some of those and that she will change immediately into a good woman because you are hurt and weak.

Divorce her and build yourself up! You cannot put your emotional health in her hands as she has shown you she will do for your emotions THREE TIMES! Just because you did not do everything right as a husband is no reason for you to compromise yourself and accept being a door mat. When you get stronger, and if she does everything that a true remorseful woman would do, then YOU can decide if you want to remarry her. Right now you need to quit riding the fence and get going doing everything to help you get over your wounded self.

You keep asking basically the same thing. You want to know if you should go back to her. You have been told with over 200 posts what we think yet you still ask. GET STRONGER OR BE MUSH. By the way, women are s attracted to strong men not MUSH


----------



## RV9

Op, you love to abuse yourself. Stop it.


----------



## toonaive

Borntohang said:


> Just stop already! She spent the weekend with this guy and you're hugging and kissing on her? Really? How did he taste? I hate to be so crude, but listen to your family.... You "Think" she feels bad? I've seen this quote on TAM. It's one I've told my son many times. "Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do"! I your case, your wife is spending the weekend with her musician boyfriend, having Rock Star sex and you're giving her tight hugs! "Just let them go"!


:iagree: EEEEWWWW.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> WELL SUNDAY I HAD TO MEET WITH THE WIFE ABOUT SOMTHING WITH THE SON.AFTERWARDS WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE .I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM ALL WEEKEND .AND THEN SHE SAW ME LAST NIGHT I THINK IT WAS BOTHERING HER WHAT SHE DID.SHE DONT NO I NO SHE WAS WITH HIM. WE TALKED AND IT EVEN CAME UP ABOUT US GETTING BACK TOGATHER. I TOLD HER NO AS LONG AS SHE WAS SEEING HIM AND IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME BEFORE WE COULD GET TOGATHER WE WOULD HAVE TO START OVER.SHE HUGED ME A LOT AND KISSED ME A FEW TIMES SHE ACTS LIKE SHE IS TORN ON WHAT TO DO.WE WE HUGED SHE KEPT SQUEEZING ME REAL HARD. WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT I DID NOT DO IN OUR MARRIAGE AND WHAT SHE DID NOT DO .HOW WE JUST FELL APART.i DONT NO IF I COULD GO BACK WITH HER OUR WANT TO .MY FAMILY IS GETTING UPSET WITH ME TELLING ME SHE IS TROUBLE AND TO MOVE ON.WITCH IAM TRYING TO DO.BUT THERE IS STILL LOVE THEIR I THINK. WOULD ANYBODY ON HERE EVER TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS I DONT NO.



You are a child.


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

I and several others warned you that this was coming just a few days ago.

This is 'hoovering'....I told you she would not want to let her cake eating end or her Plan B move on.

And like I said, she will use anger, manipulation, and tears/remorse at alternating times to get you back under her thumb.

You have already played this game TWICE....only to have Dday 3.

Do you really want to go through a Dday 4?


----------



## kwood

No i dont want d-day 4
she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again . I no iam acting like a child like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .


----------



## Lostinthought61

OMG will you PLEASE stop letting her mess with your head....you seriously need to wake or grow up because like someone here mentioned, your acting more like a child then a man...look we are just giving you the best advise you he have, because on years of experience, in the end if you want to spend the rest of your life as a doormat, but you can't keep coming back here and telling us how to fix something that is beyond repair. STOP LISTENING TO HER


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> No i dont want d-day 4
> *she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault* how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again .


Of course she is, She knows how to do it. She is so good at it because she has mastered for years. Some time from now you will realize that she has been doing this to you for a long time.

This is exctly why you should stop all contact, excep for kids and D matters. 

Reduce cintact to text and emails, and just ones related to children or D. You will feel much more better once contact is reduced.

Avoid any phisical contact, even talking face to face. 

Avoid phone call as well. You really dont need to let her keep messing with your head while you are feeling down.

YOU REALLY NEED TO DO 180



kwood said:


> *I no iam acting like a child *like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .



I agree, you are not acting like a child, but not like a man neather. 

You need to man up and take control of the situation and your life.

From now on you are the one that decide what is going to happen, when and how, period.

Next time she calls, dont answer, let her text you. If she asks to come to get things an specific day and specific hour, be gone so you dont have to face her and get more drama. 

You are in control now, you are deciding what you want for you and your kids from now on.

I am happy to see that you are beginig to step out of your own fog.

One piece of advice: If you are hesitating or feeling weak, post rigth away and vent if needed, someone at TAM will help you get your temper back. All of us needed someone to push us to the rigth way at the begginign of this jorney.

Good luck


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> No i dont want d-day 4
> she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again . I no iam acting like a child like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. *The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .*


Uhhh... wait a sec...

Are you somehow under the impression that, despite the fact that she's walked out on you for this guy -- to be clear, it's the same guy each time... right? -- three times now, they've only just recently had sex...?!?

Or is only _just *NOW*_ a dealbreaker for you...?


----------



## Decorum

kwood said:


> No i dont want d-day 4
> she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again . I no iam acting like a child like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .


I hate to admit it but on one occasion when I was fishing on a slow day (Years ago) I reeled in a fish and could have boated it, but I let it run out again so I could play with it a longer. I had it hooked and I could land it anytime I wanted.

Its not good sportsmanship and I would not do it again, because it's really not good for the fish especially of you are fishing catch and release.

I had all the power, and I used it to satisfy myself at the fishes expense. (Not obsessing here just making a point ha ha)

Can you connect the dots here Kwood?


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> No i dont want d-day 4
> she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again . I no iam acting like a child like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .


Its the same thing over and over because the game has always worked for her. This is why you need to quit playing the game. 

Whether she was with him this weekend or not is almost irrelevant. She wasn't with you. 

She is giving you no hope, you are just grasping at anything as hope.


----------



## Roselyn

Kwood: wake up, wake up! Your hair is on fire. Your wife is trying to torch your head for the third time. It's time to take the trash out and let the garbage truck take it away. Listen to everyone (your family & TAM). Get a divorce and be done with your pain.

Your wife is in love with a musician for the last 7 years. She has been on beck & call for this man. He isn't committed to her and she runs back to you over and over for security. Be done with this nightmare.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Kwood
Your weakness is very obvious. Get some help in your city so that you can start taking some actions instead of you keep asking us the same question or telling us you are through with her. *Talk is cheap and actions rule!*

You are being manipulated BIG TIME!


----------



## GusPolinski

Roselyn said:


> Kwood: wake up, wake up! Your hair is on fire. Your wife is trying to torch your head for the third time. It's time to take the trash out and let the garbage truck take it away. Listen to everyone (your family & TAM). Get a divorce and be done with your pain.
> 
> Your wife is in love with a musician for the last 7 years. She has been on beck & call for this man. He isn't committed to her and she runs back to you over and over for security. Be done with this nightmare.


Word.


----------



## G.J.

Don't normally want to play by their rules but in your case next time she comes round I would

Have sex with her if possible with out seeming needy...*just sex no holding or caressing her, finish quickly*
If not then play along with the hugging etc. that she does
Suddenly get up after and say,

" I needed that"

Tell her you have to be some where soon so can she leave

As she is just leaving and about to go through the door say 
"oh I almost forgot here's the D papers, if you want to talk to me in the future text me"

Then close the doors quickly

The marriage is over give her a taste of being used and with the double whammy of D papers will jolt her into reality

p.s.
S.T.D. Test would be useful


----------



## kwood

Well i go next friday to file for divorce .i told her i have a appoitment by text. And she said ok.i have come to understand this is what she wants and i need to give it to her .when i look back over the years i cant beleve how dumb i have been. Iam veary worried about the what lays a head for me but i will work hard at getting my self turned around.and maybe with gods help i can find a true loving woman.but i must say i hope she falls on her face.i no that is not nice but how i feel.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> Well i go next friday to file for divorce .i told her i have a appoitment by text. And she said ok.i have come to understand this is what she wants and i need to give it to her .when i look back over the years i cant beleve how dumb i have been. Iam veary worried about the what lays a head for me but i will work hard at getting my self turned around.and maybe with gods help i can find a true loving woman.but * i must say i hope she falls on her face*.i no that is not nice but how i feel.


She will for sure. Om is a POS he will get the job done besides she has made a great job destroying her relation wiht your kids by her own. She will realize this very soon.

When/if it happen you wont even care, you will be very busy enjoying your brand new life.

Keep the good job


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> Well i go next friday to file for divorce .i told her i have a appoitment by text. And she said ok.i have come to understand this is what she wants and i need to give it to her .when i look back over the years i cant beleve how dumb i have been. Iam veary worried about the what lays a head for me but i will work hard at getting my self turned around.and maybe with gods help i can find a true loving woman.but i must say i hope she falls on her face.i no that is not nice but how i feel.


Whether she said ok or not doesn't mean much right now. I doubt she feels you will actually follow thru. Keep the appointment next week and follow thru!

One of the things you need to start working on yourself, your not filing with the intention that its what she wants, your filing because it is in YOUR bests interests. Its a mindset that you need to work on. Not everything is about her.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Well i go next friday to file for divorce .i told her i have a appoitment by text. And she said ok.i have come to understand this is what she wants and i need to give it to her .when i look back over the years i cant beleve how dumb i have been. Iam veary worried about the what lays a head for me but i will work hard at getting my self turned around.and maybe with gods help i can find a true loving woman.but i must say i hope she falls on her face.i no that is not nice but how i feel.


Good. 

180.

180.

180.


----------



## Dyokemm

" i must say i hope she falls on her face.i no that is not nice but how i feel."

After all the bullsh*t she has put you through for years....you are entitled to a period of hatred.

Don't feel bad about it.

I hated everything about my cheating LTgf for a couple months after Dday.

Then it burned itself out and turned into absolute indifference.

If I ever saw her hit by a bus...I would blink, and then calmly go about my business.

She is absolutely dead to me now.

Just keep moving forward.....you will reach indifference eventually....and then oddly, you will realize you are actually HAPPY in your indifference, like a weight has been lifted off you.

At that point, you'll actually be glad you don't have her selfish crap in your life anymore.

Keep on moving forward kwood.


----------



## bandit.45

> If I ever saw her hit by a bus...I would blink, and then calmly go about my business.


Or step over her smashed corpse and go over to the bus driver..."Hey man, are you okay?"


----------



## honcho

bandit.45 said:


> Or step over her smashed corpse and go over to the bus driver..."Hey man, are you okay?"


Ok, when my stbx totaled her car hitting the boyfriends car drunk one day I texted her asking only if the OM was ok. 

The cop at the scene is a friend of mine and called me so I knew both were ok but did it irriate my stbx to no end that my only concern was for Mr Perfect. Not politically correct but it so worth it to tick her off like that. 

If you give yourself the time to start healing yourself Kwood and build yourself up from within you will start to see there is a future without her and a good one.


----------



## kwood

Thursday night i get a text from her stating how she messed up my and my sons life and she was now paying for it and she would for the rest of her life. I told her she had choices and chose somthing elese.and i dont understand how their are so many people out their that would love to have a family .and how she could throw hers away.that made her mad and she text back about the date to file for divorce.trying to up set me.then i get a text telling me that she is working double shifts at work tring to get by. I should not have said this but i told her she would have her boyfreind and the band i have our son and my family i win,but i also told her that if she ever wanted to make major changes, that i would date her,i wish i had not said that because now she has that door open she thanks she could just walk back in.she needs to no she has lost everthing.


----------



## bfree

She knows kwood, she knows. Just keep on course and take care of yourself and your son.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood....stop talking to her. File for divorce and go dark. Let your lawyer do the talking.

You're pissed and emotional and all you are going to do by antagonizing her is give her more ammo to use against you. Time to act like Mr. Spock.


----------



## bfree

bandit.45 said:


> kwood....stop talking to her. File for divorce and go dark. Let your lawyer do the talking.
> 
> You're pissed and emotional and all you are going to do by antagonizing her is give her more ammo to use against you. Time to act like Mr. Spock.


Yes, live long and prosper...


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Thursday night i get a text from her stating how she messed up my and my sons life and she was now paying for it and she would for the rest of her life. I told her she had choices and chose somthing elese.and i dont understand how their are so many people out their that would love to have a family .and how she could throw hers away.that made her mad and she text back about the date to file for divorce.trying to up set me.then i get a text telling me that she is working double shifts at work tring to get by. I should not have said this but i told her she would have her boyfreind and the band i have our son and my family i win,but *i also told her that if she ever wanted to make major changes, that i would date her,i wish i had not said that because now she has that door open she thanks she could just walk back in.*she needs to no she has lost everthing.


:slap:


----------



## kwood

well she text me to day saying how she was able to get more then a hour sleep for once. and orther small talk .so I went straight to talking about the divorce and about our son .like you said bandit don't talk to her .and if I do its about the divorce our my son.i did tell her that iam going to file she will get the paper work she could look it over send it back we go to court and were done.mabe not that fast . but after all that she did not respond anymore.she is getting what she wants why would she get mad. iam mad as hell about this and done acting like whimp.she messed me up for a while but I think iam coming around. I just sometimes wonder if she just thinks I wont go on with the divorce.


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## honcho

She doesn't believe for a minute you will file for divorce. She has always in the past been able to manipulate you she has no reason to believe she can't now. 

She plays sympathy card, then nice card and you'll get silent treatment. Then your gonna get full b***CH mode. 

She isn't getting what she wants, your not playing her game. Keep your appointment and file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NosborCrop

honcho said:


> She doesn't believe for a minute you will file for divorce. She has always in the past been able to manipulate you she has no reason to believe she can't now.
> 
> She plays sympathy card, then nice card and you'll get silent treatment. Then your gonna get full b***CH mode.
> 
> She isn't getting what she wants, your not playing her game. Keep your appointment and file.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## Dyokemm

"I just sometimes wonder if she just thinks I wont go on with the divorce."

You could safely place a bet that this is EXACTLY what she thinks.

Prove her wrong, my friend.


----------



## kwood

well I moved to my new house this weekend .and Saturday she text me wanting to no how the move was going .she also text me several
times yesterday. the only time I responded was she ask me a question about our camper she is selling , but then she text me asking if I was ok and did I get moved.i responded with iam wonderfull I love having my life torn apart and yes I moved.now how the hell did she think I was doing ?? the guy how lives next door to me at the old house side she would drive buy about every day looking at the house. I guess she was trying to find out if I was really moving or not.


----------



## joannacroc

Glad to hear you moved. I know it is really difficult when you've been married for a while but try not to get sucked into conversations with her. You were doing so well when you just responded to conversations about selling joint property like the camper van. But it's not her concern anymore how you are doing. Try to be strict with yourself, and not respond to her unless it is about the business of the divorce, or your children. If it is about anything else, don't respond. If you get sucked back into talking to her, you are giving her an opportunity to manipulate and hurt you again.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> well I moved to my new house this weekend .and Saturday she text me wanting to no how the move was going .she also text me several
> times yesterday. the only time I responded was she ask me a question about our camper she is selling , but then she text me asking if I was ok and did I get moved.i responded with iam wonderfull I love having my life torn apart and yes I moved.now how the hell did she think I was doing ?? the guy how lives next door to me at the old house side she would drive buy about every day looking at the house. I guess she was trying to find out if I was really moving or not.


IMO she is trying to mesa with your heard again. When you used to answer all her texts, she used them to point out all your wrongs and how she is so rigth about what she is doing. Now she just cantón mess with your head any more as she needs feedback. Thats why she is texting so much.

Besides, of course she just cant believe you are moving on as she took you for granted for so long...

Great job, bur next time dont answer nothing exept kids\divoce stuff.

I bet you are starting to see the big picture and who she really is, arent you?

Keep 180.

Good luck


----------



## honcho

She had no real interest on how the move was going or how you were doing. She only wanted you to be clingy, tell her you missed her etc as you have done in the past. She needs to have her ego fueled and you've been the gas station for a long time. 

She will most likely step this game up so don't be shocked if you start receiving more texts or calls. Resist the temptation to respond and you will want to in "weak" moments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

STOP talking to her at all unless it is about the D or kid related.

She has no right to know how you are feeling or doing anymore....and more importantly, you being emotional and telling her how angry and hurt you are only serves to inform her that she still has you on an emotional leash.

Trust me....she does not really care how you feel, she is just ensuring that she still has her emotional claws in you.

I'll say it again...she is a CAKE-EATER....she is not going to easily let her Plan B supportive doormat go....she is going to keep trying to 'hoover' you back in.

Go Dark!!!


----------



## Rafi

Listen to what people are telling you, don't talk to her. Block her number on your Mobile and go DarkKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.


----------



## wmn1

I am starting to see progress here, Kwood. Keep it moving in the right direction


----------



## kwood

I was just wondaring every one says go dark and not talk to her anymore why is that. is just so I can break away from her . iam doing a good job at it .she text me last night and said she had my stuff out of our camper .she new this would upset me because the camper ment a lot to me and she is selling it .I no you folks no what you are talking about and iam trying to do what you say thanks for your help.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> *I was just wondaring every one says go dark and not talk to her anymore why is that . is just so I can break away from her *.


I can think of at least 2 reasons at this moment:

1.- Detaching form her. As more you detach the bigger picture you get and realize that:	

This is not your fault and she has manipulated you for a long time;
She doesn?t love you; you are/were her plan B;
That you and your kids deserve better; and
Most important: That you can and will be happier once she is gone for good.

2.- Stopping her to mess with your head while you are still weak and codependent.

Of course there are many other reasons, and I believe at this point you can think of some by you own.



kwood said:


> . iam doing a good job at it .she text me last night and said she had my stuff out of our camper .*she new this would upset me because the camper ment a lot to me *and she is selling it .I no you folks no what you are talking about and iam trying to do what you say thanks for your help.


Of course she is doing this to upset you, more precisely she is doing it to get a reaction from you as now she is not getting any. You must understand that she needs a reaction from you to manipulate you and get what she wants.

IMO, she is realizing, but still denying to herself, hat you are moving on for real and is trying to make more drastic efforts, as selling you camper, to make you get to a previous state where she is in total control. Considering this we can imply the next:

She will try other things, more drastic like:


Badmouth you all around,
 Destroy common property, 
 Even say that you are an abuser, etc
.

Realize that you don?t know her, and never did, so she is capable of horrible things. Be careful, never met her alone, don?t talk to her again if you can, just text her about kids and D matters. The idea is not get into an argument with her? Not answering a text or even just write yes or no is perfect.

You are doing a terrific job! Considering what happened to you and that have been very short time from 3er Dday you are doing just fine. Keep doing it!!!!!!

Listen, you need to be ready for what is to come so be prepared for her next moves.

IMO she will try to get you back. First without any consequences (blame shifting, justifying, etc) to get right where you were before last Dday. Then she will try to come back accepting a few consequences (TT, no transparency, getting mad any time you have a question or bring up her Affair). 

Her final gold will be get you back as nothing have ever happen. she will be looking for that when OM breaks up with her once he realizes that she is going to be a not young single mother with not cash, as divorce is an expensive thing, looking for a serious commitment, as she is no longer married, facing financial responsibilities as a buying/renting a house, not just for her but for her kids on her time with them, bills, food, taxes, etc? I Believe you get why he will run to the hills in not time. 

At this moment he keeps using her as a semen urinal as she doesnt have her kids and she is enjoys some financial freedom thet allows her to buy him things, goig to bars, etc.

Reality is to hit her hard any time soon. 

Sorry for the long post.

Good luck


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I was just wondaring every one says go dark and not talk to her anymore why is that. is just so I can break away from her .


Yes.



kwood said:


> iam doing a good job at it .*she text me last night and said she had my stuff out of our camper .*she new this would upset me because the camper ment a lot to me and she is selling it .I no you folks no what you are talking about and iam trying to do what you say thanks for your help.


The best response to this would be to not respond at all. Second best response would be "OK"... *and nothing else*.

You're divorcing. There's no need to talk about anything other than your children. Anything more than that will make it even more difficult for you to detach from her, which means prolonging your agony.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> I was just wondering every one says go dark and not talk to her anymore. *Why *is that? Is it just so I can break away from her?
> 
> She texted me last night...she knew *this would upset me* because the camper meant a lot to me.


There you go. Every time she contacts you, you're in pain and obsessed with her, thinking of her, wishing you had what you used to have.

Over time AWAY from her, it will hurt less, because you'll have filled that time with YOUR life, doing OTHER things that give you pleasure so that you will start seeing that you CAN be happy in OTHER ways, not just if you're with her.

But at the beginning, you have to have that time away so you stop triggering. It would be like a rape victim, the horror she's gone through, and having to see and talk to her rapist every day. Every day, another round of pain and suffering...she will never heal.

That's where you're at. That's why you go dark.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> well I moved to my new house this weekend .and Saturday she text me wanting to no how the move was going .she also text me several
> times yesterday. the only time I responded was she ask me a question about our camper she is selling , but then she text me asking if I was ok and did I get moved.i responded with iam wonderfull I love having my life torn apart and yes I moved.now how the hell did she think I was doing ?? the guy how lives next door to me at the old house side she would drive buy about every day looking at the house. I guess she was trying to find out if I was really moving or not.


You should not have responded. You gave in to her need to control you. 

Quit it!

Spock...think Spock.


----------



## poida

Yeah dude. Just read your thread.

It sounds like you can't help your self.

BLOCK HER NUMBER.

She can send you an email or send a letter if she needs to get in contact.


----------



## kwood

Last night she text me asking me were to put the stuff she brought home out of the camper.i did not respond ans after a hour she text back and said ok i will see you friday.witch is when we go see the attorney. We are going to get a dissolution.it seems to be the best way to go.i dont no how to handle seeing her i wish she would just stay home.but i think i will go do what i need to do and leave as fast as i can .that is what iam hoping for.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Last night she text me asking me were to put the stuff she brought home out of the camper.i did not respond ans after a hour she text back and said ok i will see you friday.witch is when we go see the attorney. We are going to get a dissolution.it seems to be the best way to go.i dont no how to handle seeing her i wish she would just stay home.but i think i will go do what i need to do and leave as fast as i can .that is what iam hoping for.



Spock. 

Be polite but no emotion. If she gets in your face, walk away. Fake it.


----------



## turnera

Keep your phone in your hand at all times. If she gets in your face, pretend someone's calling you, wave her off so you can 'talk,' and walk away and carry on your phone conversation.


----------



## kwood

I went to see the attorney Friday and I tried not to talk to her
She started crying.and cryed through the whole thing.she said how much
She missed me.she said her life is hell now.we have paperwork to fill
Out and get back to the Attorney.she said she's not sure where doing
The right thing.I also no she is still seeing him.she is not willing to
Give that up.at this point we have lost everything because of this.our
House.and everything.I get so weak when Iam around her and talk like I
Would take her back.I messed up i was doing good now she thinks I will be
Her plan b.iam so mad at my self for being weak.how do I change what I did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

By filling out the paperwork and giving her a copy of it with your signature.


----------



## Mr Blunt

You have been thrown to the ground by your wife rejecting you and replacing you with another man. It is understandable that you are weak and want her to make it all go away and for her to want only you. However, *you have to use your mind and not your bleeding heart* that so wants your wife to want only you and that her betrayal never happened.

Her betrayal is not because you are a bad man; her betrayal is because she is weak, selfish, and low in integrity. You are putting some of that on your head and it is all her own deficiencies.

We have all been telling you to get stronger and you have done a few things to get stronger but you still are emotionally weak. That is OK; just keep using your head and not your damaged emotions. *Is it possible that you can have separate meeting with the attorney and all the other business you have with her? *If that is possible then demand that. You get all bent out of shape every time you are talking to her.

You are hurt mostly because she has rejected you and replaced you with another man. She cries and says all kinds of emotional things and that gets to you. *The bottom line that tells the real truth is what you said below*.


*



I also know she is still seeing him. She is not willing to give that up

Click to expand...

*
That overrules t her emotional display and is the real truth; she is weak, selfish, and has low integrity!

Do EVERYTHING so that you do not have to talk to her or see her. Keep diligently finding ways to build yourself up. *Will you tell us how you have taken action this next week that helps you to get stronger?*


----------



## kwood

ok I filled out all my paperwork and turned it into
The attorney office.I text her and said what I had done
And that she is getting what she wants me out of her life.
She text back and said whatever.then she text me back saying
She was going to take a early lunch to get her paperwork done
And turned in.she acted like she was mad because I turned my stuff
In. Iam giving her what she wants why would she be mad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> ok I filled out all my paperwork and turned it into
> The attorney office.I text her and said what I had done
> And that she is getting what she wants me out of her life.
> She text back and said whatever.then she text me back saying
> She was going to take a early lunch to get her paperwork done
> And turned in.she acted like she was mad because I turned my stuff
> In. Iam giving her what she wants why would she be mad?


She sees you detaching and doesn't like it. She'd planned to string you along for a while longer in order to exit the marriage on her own terms and it's pissing her off that she may not be able to do that.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> ok I filled out all my paperwork and turned it into
> The attorney office.I text her and said what I had done
> And that she is getting what she wants me out of her life.
> She text back and said whatever.then she text me back saying
> She was going to take a early lunch to get her paperwork done
> And turned in.she acted like she was mad because I turned my stuff
> In. Iam giving her what she wants why would she be mad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You took the control away from her. For the first time in your relationship you are guiding the boat and she cannot stand it. Keep it up.


----------



## Dyokemm

"I am giving her what she wants why would she be mad?"

No...she wants her quiet, supportive Plan B back.

Notice...for all her crying, anger, and claiming she doesn't want this D, she STILL wont stop f*cking this POS.

She wants you to still support her while she carries on as his mistress.

You are taking THAT away from her....hence her anger.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> I am giving her what she wants why would she be mad?


When you will no longer tolerate her humping the OM her tears turned to anger. What a surprise!

To add what the other have said, she is also mad because she wants to do all the rejecting and it bothers her that you are demanding respect by divorcing her.


----------



## Rafi

Dude,

You really need help and to work on yourself. Concentrate on yourself now and stop thinking about her. IT IS OVER.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> ok I filled out all my paperwork and turned it into
> The attorney office.I text her and said what I had done
> And that she is getting what she wants me out of her life.
> She text back and said whatever.then she text me back saying
> She was going to take a early lunch to get her paperwork done
> And turned in.she acted like she was mad because I turned my stuff
> In. Iam giving her what she wants why would she be mad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your getting there. Stop telling yourself your doing this because she wants it, your doing it because YOU want to as the situation is no longer tolerable. Its a mindset but you have to change your way of thinking and this will help you detach and gain the emotional distance you need. 

She probably wont get the paperwork done, she wont because you will sooner or later ask her about it. This will be her next lil powerplay to try and get control of this again.


----------



## kwood

well first I would like to thank everybody on this form for their help.she text me last night and ask if their was lights on in our old house she was going over their.i no everybody says don't respond but its hard sometimes and I did respond that the house was a empty shell and every thing we worked for for 23 years has been destroyed. then today she text me and said she was going up to were our camper is at to show it to try to sell it .her boy friend lives up their .and once again I responded I said good you can sell our camper have a nice eveing with your boy friend .and don't worry about the people back home you fu## over.iam so mad at her.she then text me to tell me she turned in her paper work to the attorney.
and when we go to go over the paper work. I responed and said good.iam not going to talk to her anymore but it is hard the way she has done me and our family. I think I went from hurt to anger.


----------



## Dyokemm

The anger is understandable....but STOP talking to her at all.

Your responses just tell her she still has you emotionally tied to her....so she knows she can still manipulate you, and she will keep trying to do so.

She has not yet given up hope that she can get her complacent Plan B back....expect more of this.

The only way to protect yourself is to go completely dark on her except short, emotionless responses to D issues or your son.

DETACH!!


----------



## kwood

No your right but it is hard when you have your whole 
life riped out from under you .to keep quiet. I no i have to do a better job. But like i said it is veary hard.


----------



## azteca1986

kwood said:


> No your right but it is hard when you have your whole
> life riped out from under you .to keep quiet. I no i have to do a better job. But like i said it is veary hard.


Don't be so hard on yourself, friend. One minute you're hurt, the next you're angry, the next minute you're mourning the loss of you family and marriage. It's all perfectly normal in your situation. Trust me, reading your posts, you're getting better at it every day.

One day you will reach indifference. And that will be a great day for you. Strength to you in this difficult time.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> * Keep diligently finding ways to build yourself up. Will you tell us how you have taken action this next week that helps you to get stronger?*


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> No your right but it is hard when you have your whole
> life riped out from under you .to keep quiet. I no i have to do a better job. But like i said it is veary hard.


Take comfort in the probability that this fling will not last for her. She is a serial cheat and there is no sign she wants to change her behavior nor does she see how it negatively affects others. She is a steamroller without an emergency brake. 

As you grow and detach, she will become nothing more than a distant, chafing memory. Like that scar on your ass that itches every once in a while.


----------



## kwood

Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kwood, i want you to place a rubberband on your wrist, and every time you speak to your soon to be ex-wife i want to pull it back hard and when you feel the pain i want you remind yourself what she is doing to you....for your own self-preservation you need to snap out of it...she is playing with your mind....do not touch her, she is a manipulator of the worse kind because she is playing with your feelings


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this.


Stop meeting up w/ her. Conversations regarding your son can be carried out via e-mail.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this.


You have to go to those meetting but you dont have to talk to her, and less hold her and walk her to her car. 

Just Dont do it again!!

You are doing a great job, just keep trying.

IMO she is trying to get her Plan B back just in case.

Good luck


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this.


What kind of meetings for your son? Counseling? School?

Why can you not call the person holding these meetings and tell them that you and his mother are going through a rough divorce and that you will not be attending? Why do let people lead you around by the nose?

If it a counselor be up front and say "My wife is having an affair with another man and I am divorcing her. Seeing her at these meetings is painful to me and is not productive, so unless you think I absolutely need to attend, I will no longer be coming, OR only one of us will attend".


----------



## LongWalk

All the drama is about her. Do you need a cheating drama queen who plays mind games?


----------



## kwood

the meeting is for counseling and this is for our son we adopted when he was 7 .he has had a lot of behaving problems. he is in a place to try to help him get turned around .my older son the one that was with me in 08 when this frist started lives with me. the younger son did not no we split so we meet togather to tell him.HE IS NOW 17 he took this veary hard of course they did not want to tell him why we split even after he called her last night she did not tell him. so when he called me today I told him witch really upset him.so she not only screwed me over and her own bio/son she screwed over our son who we both promised to give a home and and family to .now he is in their working on his own problems. and his family has fallen apart. all because she is a cheat. the younger son new something was wrong and said he kinda new because he was there in 08/10


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> the meeting is for counseling and this is for our son we adopted when he was 7 .he has had a lot of behaving problems. he is in a place to try to help him get turned around .my older son the one that was with me in 08 when this frist started lives with me. the younger son did not no we split so we meet togather to tell him.HE IS NOW 17 he took this veary hard of course they did not want to tell him why we split even after he called her last night she did not tell him. so when he called me today I told him witch really upset him.so she not only screwed me over and her own bio/son she screwed over our son who we both promised to give a home and and family to .now he is in their working on his own problems. and his family has fallen apart. all because she is a cheat. the younger son new something was wrong and said he kinda new because he was there in 08/10


You didn't answer my question. Why do both of you have to go to these counseling sessions?


----------



## kwood

the last time she went the thrypist said she would not tell him with out me being their orther then that iam not sure .when this started it was going to be a family therpy to help him and us get along .but since we are no longer a family we do need that and that is what iam going to tell them. iam going to ask if I can do it by my self with him and she can do it by her self with him at different times


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Originally Posted by kwood
> Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .*came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me*. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this



Kwood
You are weak; that is understandable but in your weakness she can still manipulate you, either consciously or unconsciously. She talks about coming back (You like that) then the next day she acts like it was just not going to work between you two. She is a mess with low morals and integrity and you are weak and would probably jump at the chance for her to come back if she told you that the OM is out of the picture. *You are a perfect plan B!*


I have asked you twice already the question below and you have not answered. I think I know why but will ask one more time. Here it is below




> Keep diligently finding ways to build yourself up. *Will you tell us how you have taken action this next week that helps you to get stronger?*


If you do not build yourself up you will be very vulnerable to be making very bad decisions and you will lose respect for yourself and so will others lose respect for you.


----------



## LongWalk

Why does she get to sell the camper?


----------



## kwood

ok mr blunt I have been thanking about what I have been doing to build my self up. I have been spending more time with family. I have been trying to change my outlook on things trying to be more positive about thing . and the one thing I really need to do is stop talking to her.you are right if she showed up at my door I would take her back.how dumb is that.i need to get past that point .she nows I would take her back and the is why iam a great plan b , she will say in one breath no we will not be togather anymore .and then say we may have a chance she is all over the place I need to get to were I tell her their is no chance. youpeople on are veary kind to take time out to help people you don't even no may god bless you all


----------



## azteca1986

kwood, you're not "dumb", you're co-dependent. In love we find people who are out perfect match.

If my wife cheated on me, I would divorce her just to teach my son that I refuse to spend my life with someone who would backstab me. Better no wife than a cheating wife. If I cheated on my wife, she would humiliated and devastated. And then she would pick herself up, and without a shadow of doubt, brutalise me in a divorce, taking my boy from me. My parents would side with her. Cheating on her is not the way I've been brought up to behave. What my wife would do to me in a divorce does not make my top five reasons not to cheat. We've talked about it. I understand that for both of us there will be no second chances. 

We are two sides of the same coin.

Like wise, you and your wife are alike. No matter what she does to you, you would grasp at chance of being back with her. Also, no matter what she does to you, she still can't let you go. 

You are both, also, two side of the same coin.

The only way past this point is to *learn to detach*. Are you doing the 180? If not, do it. You have to do this to save yourself.

We see a good man that deserves better. You must re-pay our faith in you.


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> ok mr blunt I have been thanking about what I have been doing to build my self up. I have been spending more time with family. I have been trying to change my outlook on things trying to be more positive about thing . and the one thing I really need to do is stop talking to her.you are right if she showed up at my door I would take her back.how dumb is that.i need to get past that point .she nows I would take her back and the is why iam a great plan b , she will say in one breath no we will not be togather anymore .and then say we may have a chance she is all over the place I need to get to were I tell her their is no chance. youpeople on are veary kind to take time out to help people you don't even no may god bless you all


Dear kwood,

I haven't read all of the comments to your thread so I don't know if this has been recommended already but I strongly suggest that you read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover. Here's a link to an on-line version of the book:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Wishing you the best.


----------



## Ntsikzo

Kwood, as a person who used to be a serial cheater until I got caught, it may sound hypocritical but I agree with Mr. Azteca:



> If my wife cheated on me, I would divorce her just to teach my son that I refuse to spend my life with someone who would backstab me. Better no wife than a cheating wife.


My partner made me see how my cheating affected her and everything around me.That really put things into perspective for me, and made me very remorseful. 

My partner's dad had also cheated on her mother. So its little wonder she would also end up with a cheater. But we eventually worked things out and are still together. 

So what I'm trying to say is that you need to make a clean break so your son does not find himself in the same situation in the future. Remember kids follow in their parents foot-steps. In my case I was remorseful, but from what I read here your wife does not understand or care how her actions affect those around her.


----------



## kwood

Veary sad day for me today i went and singned the paper work for the divorce.she was their at first she would not want us to do the paper work but she did. After words it was the same crying she grabed me and kept saying what have i done.she still says she dont no what she wants and she has lost everything. I trying to be strong .i will not talk to her until the court date. She said she may wise up but who noes at this point i dont belive i could ever tak her back anyway .i have meet a veary nice girl who i like alot .the x doesnot no about


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> Veary sad day for me today i went and singned the paper work for the divorce.she was their at first she would not want us to do the paper work but she did. After words it was the same crying she grabed me and kept saying what have i done.she still says she dont no what she wants and she has lost everything. I trying to be strong .i will not talk to her until the court date. She said she may wise up but who noes at this point i dont belive i could ever tak her back anyway .i have meet a veary nice girl who i like alot .the x doesnot no about


Met a nice girl? First be careful your not ready for anything serious at all. Second don't be shocked when the stbx steps up her game once she finds out. They tend to not like competition.


----------



## Mr Blunt

*Keep up your strategy of NO CONTACT with your ex-wife and do not let her know about your GF*. As Honcho as said she will probably pick up her game to get you back with all kinds of emotional displays. Those emotions (consequence emotions…all about her) may be real but you are too weak at this time to take a chance at withstanding her emotions and may take her back.


Kwood, so far you are doing real well and you will get stronger. If you let her back into your life in any way you will get weak and you will go back to being like a puppy dog with her. Let your GF help heal you but do not get real serious with her for now.


----------



## tom67

honcho said:


> Met a nice girl? First be careful your not ready for anything serious at all. Second don't be shocked when the stbx steps up her game once she finds out. They tend to not like competition.


:iagree::iagree:
Easy killer just date casually for now.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Veary sad day for me today i went and singned the paper work for the divorce.she was their at first she would not want us to do the paper work but she did. After words it was the same crying she grabed me and kept saying what have i done.she still says she dont no what she wants and she has lost everything. I trying to be strong .i will not talk to her until the court date. She said she may wise up but who noes at this point i dont belive i could ever tak her back anyway .i have meet a veary nice girl who i like alot .the x doesnot no about


She's in the fog. No reaching her. Just see to yourself and don't worry about her. 

The fog is sort of like a self induced insanity. You need to understand that she is not in her right mind. 

Go on with your life and live.


----------



## Dogbert

kwood said:


> anyway .i have meet a veary nice girl who i like alot .the x doesnot no about


:wtf:

Dude, you are perilously close to engaging in the same self destructive ways your STBXWW did while being married to you. Not good.


----------



## bandit.45

Dogbert said:


> :wtf:
> 
> Dude, you are perilously close to engaging in the same self destructive ways your STBXWW did while being married to you. Not good.


Naw. He needs to get laid. Its good medicine.


----------



## May1968

My XWW put the blame on me for filing the divorce papers even though she was the one who wanted to behave as if she was single. Somehow the divorce was now on me because I filed. Her actions and her boy friends played no part I guess.


----------



## Dogbert

bandit.45 said:


> Naw. He needs to get laid. Its good medicine.


Unless he's going to die in the next few weeks, then yeah the condemned shall eat a hardy meal. But women will still be around after the divorce - Hell they'll still be there even after he's six feet under - so why the rush?


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I think perhaps you would be well served to experience another woman just to help you detach from your STBXW. Although I feel it may assist you in moving on, you must be cautious that you do not form too strong a bond with this new GF. Do not project your codependency onto her lest you find yourself in even more dire straights. Take it slow and allow yourself time to repair the damage caused by your STBXW. There are many fish in the sea but be sure to reconcile your thoughts and be well prepared to select a good one this time. Then you may experience the happiness you so desire but have been denied by this woman. Good fortune to you.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

bandit.45 said:


> Naw. He needs to get laid. Its good medicine.


But not a slvtty woman.

He's already been down that road.


----------



## kwood

Why is it when you do have to talk to your cheating x they want you to no how bad you were in the marriage and how good they were. Ihad to talk to her about our son . I told her i did not want to talk to her unless it was about the kids.she tells me she had a bad weekend but she was with him so how could that be bad .she says she cant handle anything anymore and thinking about killing her self.she says she cant come back to a home were she is not loved i told her itwould not work with her comming back because i would be 2 best she says she dont no if she is happy with him and what she wants my thing is now iam seeing a girl that is veary sweet and weget along good we are just friends but who knows what can happen but what if the x wwanted to come back ithink i would have to tell her to f/// off


----------



## kwood

Yes i did graduate high school i have to post from work and i dont have much time so i have to do it fast.but that is ok dont help and i will not post on here anymore you no were you can stick your help.iam sorry i asked for help.


----------



## Dogbert

OP, the only reason why your WW is straddling the fence is because she now knows that you've been seeing another woman. For many WW their desire for their BH reawakens when she sees he has been seeing another woman, but not because she loves him but because she does not want another woman to take what is hers. This type of WW is broken and you'd be making a bad choice in allowing your WW back into your life.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Why is it when you do have to talk to your cheating x they want you to no how bad you were in the marriage and how good they were.


They do it to rid themselves of any residual guilt that they may feel as a result of their own sh*tty behavior. After all, if she can convince you that (a) you were terrible and (b) she was awesome, then you must have deserved every awful thing that she ever did to you. That's what she's trying to do.



kwood said:


> Ihad to talk to her about our son . I told her i did not want to talk to her unless it was about the kids. she tells me she had a bad weekend but she was with him so how could that be bad .


Any conversation regarding the kids that doesn't involve someone being rushed to an emergency room or jail should be handled via e-mail. Any communication regarding the divorce can also be handled via either e-mail or lawyers. Outside of that, you shouldn't be directly communicating w/ her at all.



kwood said:


> she says she cant handle anything anymore and thinking about killing her self.


Boo hoo. She's bluffing. It's nothing more than an attempt to control you. Ignore it and don't respond to it.

And if she does it again, call the police.



kwood said:


> she says she cant come back to a home were she is not loved...


Acceptable responses to this would be...

"Uhhh... who said anything about you coming back?"

"Too bad, so sad, bye bye!"



kwood said:


> ...i told her itwould not work with her comming back because i would be 2 best...


Huh?



kwood said:


> ...she says she dont no if she is happy with him...


Oh well. Too f*cking bad.



kwood said:


> ...and what she wants my thing is now iam seeing a girl that is veary sweet and weget along good we are just friends but who knows what can happen but what if the x wwanted to come back ithink i would have to tell her to f/// off


Again, you shouldn't be talking w/ her about this sh*t at all. If she brings up any of it again, just tell her that you're done w/ her, it's over, and she's not welcome back. Period.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> Why is it when you do have to talk to your cheating x they want you to no how bad you were in the marriage and how good they were. Ihad to talk to her about our son . I told her i did not want to talk to her unless it was about the kids.she tells me she had a bad weekend but she was with him so how could that be bad .she says she cant handle anything anymore and thinking about killing her self.she says she cant come back to a home were she is not loved i told her itwould not work with her comming back because i would be 2 best she says she dont no if she is happy with him and what she wants my thing is now iam seeing a girl that is veary sweet and weget along good we are just friends but who knows what can happen but what if the x wwanted to come back ithink i would have to tell her to f/// off


This is where you need to impose self control on yourself. The moment she started about her weekend or whatever NOT related to your child just shut it down and quit interacting with her. 

Your her emotional dumpster, let Mr. Perfect listen to her, not you. This is the usual trap people fall into. You decide to only talk about the kids but then you never really talk about the kids.


----------



## kwood

thank you for all your help I try not to talk to her but I have to about the boy mostly by text.but yesterday I had to call her.and she wanted to talk about her affair. she said she not sure what she is doing.with her life .she not sure she is happy with him and just don't no what she is doing with her life.we really had a good talk about our marriage and were it went wrong.she still toys around with us getting back togather. well what she says is you never no what may happen .like I said I should not be talking to her and it was a nice talk but iam not getting her saying ive gotton rid of my boy friend or I really want to repair the marriage it is she don't no what to do and what she wants am iplan b to her or could she really be that messed up she don't no what she wants


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kwood why are you so willing to lower yourself for table scraps....do you not think yourself worthy of more than this, of more than her? what happiness do you truly think you find with her back in your life, there will be constant resentment in you towards her, she will live with doubt yet again...what will it take for you to release the gravitational pull she has on you, what will it take for you to realize that you better than this, you are stronger than this...please find the confidence to move on, move forward, leave her behind brother, she is weighing you down.


----------



## kwood

thank you xenote I think iam so low in life that nobody elese would want me. I made her my life for 23 years and loved her with all my heart. she tells me all she did for me and if I would have been a different kinda husband and put her first this may have never happened. think I have a lot of guilt for not being what she wanted.like I caused her to have a affair like she was driven to it by me.


----------



## alte Dame

If you loved her with all your heart for 23 years, I don't believe for a second that you drove her to an affair. You need to stop blaming yourself. You sound like you were a loving husband. She wants her cake and eat it, too. This is very, very common.

It does get better. There really are better days ahead and you will find that there are other women who will find value in you. 180 for now. Before you know it, you will find your footing.


----------



## turnera

She's just checking to make sure she still has you on a string. Ignore her.


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> She's just checking to make sure she still has you on a string.


And he is. She's got her hooks pretty deep.


----------



## Dogbert

Next time she contacts you, follow this guy's method:


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> thank you for all your help I try not to talk to her but I have to about the boy mostly by text.but yesterday I had to call her.and she wanted to talk about her affair. she said she not sure what she is doing.with her life .she not sure she is happy with him and just don't no what she is doing with her life.we really had a good talk about our marriage and were it went wrong.she still toys around with us getting back togather. well what she says is you never no what may happen .like I said I should not be talking to her and it was a nice talk but iam not getting her saying ive gotton rid of my boy friend or I really want to repair the marriage it is she don't no what to do and what she wants am iplan b to her or could she really be that messed up she don't no what she wants


She knows exactly what she wants and is doing exactly what she wants.


----------



## GusPolinski

Dogbert said:


> Next time she contacts you, follow this guy's method:


Hmm... that link isn't working for me. It's probably the web filter here at our office. Just in case anyone else is similarly afflicted...

This Dude Must have really hurt this lady - Our Daily Gist

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:


----------



## Dogbert

GusPolinski said:


> Dogbert said:
> 
> 
> 
> Next time she contacts you, follow this guy's method:
> 
> Hmm... that link isn't working for me. It's probably the web filter here at our office. Just in case anyone else is similarly afflicted...
> 
> This Dude Must have really hurt this lady - Our Daily Gist
> 
> :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> I clicked on the link and got this.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Error 503 Backend fetch failed
> 
> Backend fetch failed
> 
> Guru Meditation:
> 
> XID: 16285733
> 
> Varnish cache server
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## Chas

http://ourdailygist.com/dude-must-really-hurt-lady/

Link for site above worked for me in Chrome but took a while. Looking at your link (long) there seems to be a divert before going there. Maybe filters.

BTW - Best part to come.


----------



## LongWalk

Go dark on her


----------



## Dogbert

LongWalk said:


> Go dark on her


So far he's "gone dork" on her.


----------



## Dyokemm

"think I have a lot of guilt for not being what she wanted.like I caused her to have a affair like she was driven to it by me."

WTF???

Knock this line of thinking off right now or you will find yourself being sucked back in for a FOURTH Day in the future.

Detach.

Concentrate on getting to know the new woman better if its helps you to ignore your WW.


----------



## Decorum

kwood said:


> thank you xenote I think iam so low in life that nobody elese would want me. I made her my life for 23 years and loved her with all my heart. she tells me all she did for me and if I would have been a different kinda husband and put her first this may have never happened. think I have a lot of guilt for not being what she wanted.like I caused her to have a affair like she was driven to it by me.


She is trying to keep her options open. Not because she is remorseful, or she loves you, but because she is selfish.

She is trying to negotiate the best deal possible, and here it is,...If she is unhappy with boy toy then you take her back, while also taking the blame for her affair, and treat her like a princes.

This resets the clock and gives her a safe place to plan her next best thing.


----------



## azteca1986

kwood said:


> thank you xenote I think iam so low in life that nobody elese would want me. I made her my life for 23 years and loved her with all my heart. she tells me all she did for me and if I would have been a different kinda husband and put her first this may have never happened. *think I have a lot of guilt for not being what she wanted.*like I caused her to have a affair like she was driven to it by me.


kwood, I feel for you.

In her own words "She doesn't know what she wants", so how in h3ll are you supposed to know? *It's an impossible task.* Please, understand that. She thought her boyfriend would solve her problems, but it hasn't. She's still unhappy, *with herself*. There's nothing you can do about this.

Save yourself.


----------



## turnera

kwood, from now on, do nothing but this, in response to ANYTHING she says:

"stbx, if you need anything, contact my lawyer."


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> thank you for all your help I try not to talk to her but I have to about the boy mostly by text.but yesterday I had to call her.and she wanted to talk about her affair. she said she not sure what she is doing.with her life .she not sure she is happy with him and just don't no what she is doing with her life.we really had a good talk about our marriage and were it went wrong.she still toys around with us getting back togather. well what she says is you never no what may happen .like I said I should not be talking to her and it was a nice talk but iam not getting her saying ive gotton rid of my boy friend or I really want to repair the marriage it is she don't no what to do and what she wants am iplan b to her or could she really be that messed up she don't no what she wants


*STATUS OF YOUR MARITAL RELATIONSHIP*

You:










Her:


----------



## Mr Blunt

Kwood, here it is again below





> Default Re: 3 times
> Quote:
> By Kwood
> *what kills me is the fact that what she says that caused all this is things like I did not pay her enough attation*,i did not appreacate what she did around the house and she felt like she had to beg for a husband.but when I wanted to go to marriage counceling she wouldnot , when I wanted her to do the love dare,from the movie fireproof she would not ,and when I wanted for us to read the book his needs her needs she would not even after I went out and bought the stuff.so I did try she just could not see it.and she never would give me any credit for when I did try to fix things.and I did do my best.
> 
> 
> The bold above is another reason why your need help for your self-esteem and emotions. You listed a LOT of things that you tried but *she stoned-walled all of them yet you still allow her twisted mind and buulshyt excuses bother you!*
> 
> *Your wife has decided to make a very damaging decision THREE TIME*S! You have stated the most important information about your relationship with your wife below:
> 
> Quote:
> i just don't think she would do whats needed to save it and there will never be any trust.
> 
> You will be in pain for a while but you can get better every week or month. Use your girlfriend to help you realize that you are a good man and keep going to your therapy. *Your wife has a twisted mind and she does not even pay attention to her own son*. She has WAY TOO MUCH baggage for you to carry and you need to do everything for yourself and your son and not be involved with your wife at all. You must put her out of your life and do everything you can to get better because your emotional health is at stake. You are now in a war and only the strong survive.
> 
> If you do this right then you will wonder why you felt so guilty about you making her betray the family. *She is trying to put the blame on you for her selfish decision to commit the worse act in a marriage ( 3-times) that does great harm to you and her own son. . You are buying into some of that crap* but think of it this way. You not paying enough attention to her after you work 65-70 hours a week, if true, is like my boss not giving me enough attention at my work so I try to burn his business down and then go to his competitor to try and work against my boss. In the justice courts a misdemeanor is a LOT different than attempted murder.
> 
> If she thought that she needed more attention then why did she refuse your many attempts to get your marriage in better shape?


----------



## Chaparral

She doesn't know what she wants because she knows her boyfriend knows he wants to keep banging the band groupies. He's not marriage material, never was and never will. When it finally ends, sooner or later with band boy, she wants somewhere to return to. She's been banging him for years and she knows in her heart its not permanent.

How old is she exactly? Her chances of finding a good man now are less than fifty fifty. Your chances are great. Keep looking, don't just settle for dating one women for quite awhile.

How is your son treating her now?


----------



## Dogbert

I beg to differ, she does know what she wants. She wants a one sided open marriage where she has good ol' kwood as the loving hubby and boyfriend(s) on the side. I wonder if she's related to my XWW or KanDo's XWW.


----------



## tonygunner007

She's no more into you. Just call off the marriage. It's pointless.


----------



## RV9

Dogbert said:


> I beg to differ, she does know what she wants. She wants a one sided open marriage where she has good ol' kwood as the loving hubby and boyfriend(s) on the side. I wonder if she's related to my XWW or KanDo's XWW.


The world's a small place.


----------



## kwood

Just a little update she came to my house the sunday to bring me some paper work witch she could have mailed.we talked a little bit and this is some of the dumb things she says, i said i new she was still talking to him i found his number in her old cell phone a long time ago. She said that when i saw the number i should have given her mor love and affection so she would stop talking to him.she said she has a little love left for me and she thought their was a smaal chanch we could get back togather after i thought about it and her saying she has a little love for me and asmall chanch she would take me back she cheated on me and she is going to take me back so the next day i text her and told her to take that little love she has for me and that little chanch i had of her taking me back that she could shove them up her ass it was the best felling i have had in a long time


----------



## kwood

sorry my computer keeps skiping when I type so I cant see all the words and my speling is not the best sometimes. but thank you for reading


----------



## bandit.45

> after i thought about it and her saying she has a little love for me and asmall chanch she would take me back she cheated on me and she is going to take me back so the next day i text her and told her to take that little love she has for me and that little chanch i had of her taking me back that she could shove them up her ass


Awesome! :lol:


Feels good to take back your manhood doesn't it?


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> Just a little update she came to my house the sunday to bring me some paper work witch she could have mailed.we talked a little bit and this is some of the dumb things she says, i said i new she was still talking to him i found his number in her old cell phone a long time ago. She said that when i saw the number i should have given her mor love and affection so she would stop talking to him.she said she has a little love left for me and she thought their was a smaal chanch we could get back togather after i thought about it and her saying she has a little love for me and asmall chanch she would take me back she cheated on me and she is going to take me back so the next day i text her and told her to take that little love she has for me and that little chanch i had of her taking me back that she could shove them up her ass it was the best felling i have had in a long time


kwood, you deserve a trophy for this.










Best d*mn post I've read on TAM/CWI in months!


----------



## Mr Blunt

KWood
Your last post indicates that you re cutting the puppet strings from her manipulations. Congradulations!

Your wife’s mind, attitude, and emotions are very destructive. In addition, her three times of stabbing you in the back with betrayal makes her very dangerous to your mind and emotions. You had better keep cutting those puppet strings or you will be in a lot worse shape than you are now.

You are starting to grow a backbone and I applauded you for that but until you cut her out of your life legally and emotionally your well being will be in danger!


----------



## jim123

She is just keeping you as plan B if plan A does not work.

Happens a lot of times. Don't be plan B


----------



## Decorum

kwood said:


> the next day i text her and told her to take that little love she has for me and that little chanch i had of her taking me back that she could shove them up her ass it was the best felling i have had in a long time


The time will come when you will fully realize that some cheating female throwing you a few crumbs* IS NOT* doing you a favor, and you would NEVER consider getting with someone who has such poor character. You will laugh at the idea and move on.


----------



## Dogbert

C'mon guys! Give the poor girl a break! She just wants to start her own little male harem, that's all. sheeshhh!


----------



## kwood

yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Not to sound cold kwood, but the damage that has been done was her's alone, frankly to be honest most time when people say they will kill themselves they are in actuality trying to extract emotions from someone, in this you...next time she say that you should come back with "well it would make divorce a lot easier" i know it sounds cold but it would snap her to the reality that you are moving on


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
> and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.



She's looking for sympathy because this is the first time you have never caved. Don't take the bait.

If she comes to you with true remorse saying she wants to make it work, and then spends the next three or four years building a new marriage... then it might stand a 5% of working. We have seen couples here on TAM come back from this kind of disaster. 

But she has done this three times to you kwood. 

Three...fvcking...times. She is an unrepentant serial cheater who's behaviors are set and ingrained in her. She knows it, that is why she is in despair. It would take years....a decade... of hard ass work on her part, going to IC weekly, and changing her thought processes, to even get close to being someone safe to be with. Could you wait that long. Could she commit to that? Would she want to?

Be kind to her, be fair, but end this charade of a marriage. She is irrevocably broken.


----------



## bfree

bandit.45 said:


> She's looking for sympathy because this is the first time you have never caved. Don't take the bait.
> 
> If she comes to you with true remorse saying she wants to make it work, and then spends the next three or four years building a new marriage... then it might stand a 5% of working. We have seen couples here on TAM come back from this kind of disaster.
> 
> But she has done this three times to you kwood.
> 
> Three...fvcking...times. She is an unrepentant serial cheater who's behaviors are set and ingrained in her. She knows it, that is why she is in despair. It would take years....a decade... of hard ass work on her part, going to IC weekly, and changing her thought processes, to even get close to being someone safe to be with. Could you wait that long. Could she commit to that? Would she want to?
> 
> Be kind to her, be fair, but end this charade of a marriage. She is irrevocably broken.


Yup. What he said.


----------



## aine

kwood said:


> yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
> and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.



Kwood, it's sad that you have got to this stage but in a way, you did all you could do. Sounds like your soon to be x is looking for sympathy and feels sorry for herself. How could she not know the damage she was causing, once but three times? Although everyone is beyond redemption, trusting her again would probably be impossible. Take care of yourself


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Per what Bandit an Bfree stated. She is used to you caving and is trying to push the buttons to make you cave. 

End the marriage

If she wants to start anew and you want to start anew then start over and have a well defined set of boundaries with her. How she deals with this will tell you what her commitment to you and if she is really going to change. If she works at it and proceeds to a "New" Marriage have a well defined prenup that a cheater walks away with nothing.


----------



## GusPolinski

bandit.45 said:


> She's looking for sympathy because this is the first time you have never caved. Don't take the bait.
> 
> If she comes to you with true remorse saying she wants to make it work, and then spends the next three or four years building a new marriage... then it might stand a 5% of working. We have seen couples here on TAM come back from this kind of disaster.
> 
> But she has done this three times to you kwood.
> 
> Three...fvcking...times. She is an unrepentant serial cheater who's behaviors are set and ingrained in her. She knows it, that is why she is in despair.


Agreed.



bandit.45 said:


> It would take years....a decade... of hard ass work on her part, going to IC weekly, and changing her thought processes, to even get close to being someone safe to be with. Could you wait that long. Could she commit to that? Would she want to?


Even better question... is kwood willing to PAY for all of it...?!?

I sure as f*ck wouldn't be...



bandit.45 said:


> Be kind to her, be fair, but end this charade of a marriage. She is irrevocably broken.


Again, agreed.


----------



## turnera

From now on, if she ever contacts you and tells you her sob story, calmly and kindly say 'would you like me to help you find a therapist?' And nothing else. Or 'so are you seeing a therapist now?' or 'so what is your therapist telling you about all this?'

Be single-minded. NOTHING matters between the two of you except that she gets into long-term, consistent, frequent therapy. And IF she were to do that, and learn a ton, MAYBE in two or three years, you would consider dating her again. After you're divorced, of course.

Between now and that, there's nothing else to discuss.


----------



## arbitrator

* Kwood: If it's sympathy that your cheating, conniving STBXW wants, just smilingly tell her to pull out her copy of Webster's and to look somewhere between the words "sh¥t" and" "syphillis."

Get this D consummated ASAP and get both yourself and your kids away from the presence of this warped sociopath!*


----------



## Mr Blunt

> the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.



Kwood, start working on NOT wanting her back. I know it is tough but if you don’t then you may compromise and go back to her just to ease your pain. You are 45 and based upon USA statistics you have around another 40 years to live. You may think that your life is ruined but it is not. If you do it right you will be embarrassed by some of (you want her back) posts in a year or two. You can be a LOT better in a year or two!





> She has said on her own that she don't believe we could get back together because of all the damage that has been done


*Even a liar tells the truth once in a while*


----------



## RV9

The ww keeps talking about what she lost, her pain, etc etc. What about kwood? Didn't he lose anything? Why does he have to cut her out of his life like cancer? Kwood isn't a person for her but rather a plan.


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
> and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.


kwood,

I suggest you print out the following ten of your posts, tape them on your bathroom mirror and read them every morning. They contain everything you need to know and remember about your WW, why you need to divorce her, how to get past the pain of her betrayal.

Post #1:



> my story starts back in2008 we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


Post #26:



> thank you for all your help I no whati have to do for I no my wife will never change .she called last night and said she was not coming home .she acts like she trying to decide between him and .iam no longer an option.


Post #68:



> Well the wife called me yesterday .she said she is veary tired and stressed.she said that she felt that we had fallen so far apart that we could never get back togather.it seems to me that we could not get back togather and work on our marriage as long as she is cheating i never could understand how come she would never give me credit for the changes i tried to make.i guess she need me to be the bad guy to make her feel what she was doing was ok.she really acts like she does not no what she wants even if she came back i dont no how we could make it work.iam tired of being 2nd best.


Post #82:



> Than you all veary much .iam just not sure how to deal with the pain.she is off work this week and iam pretty sure she meet up with him today.iam trying to work but this is killing me .after 24 years how can she be like this.


Post #99:



> yes I plan to stop.and I have started to see a therapist she called last night and said she wants to talk .wants to no if we have a marriage to save.i think because I have not ran after her or begged her to stay she is starting to think I will go through with a divorce.i just don't think she would do whats needed to save it and there will never be any trust.


Post #105:



> she called me last night and wants to have a meeting tonight to talk about things.she said she don't think we can save our marriage .but she wants to no what I think.what difference would it make .she having a affair she left the house but wants to no what I think?i don't get that.i told her on the phone she can have him iam fine with her our with out her .I just hope I can be strong during our meeting a let her no I don't care anymore.


Post #208:



> Bandit you are right and thank you. Ive been doing what she wants and not what i want.feeling sorry for my self and being a whimp. She needs to go and be out of my life for good.she is not worth all this she lies cheats and made me look like a ass. Iam going to file and put all this behind me ,but the worst part is i flip back and fourth and time iam made and want her gone the next time iam all upset and want to cry. How do i stay in the mad mode and want her gone?


Post #235:



> No i dont want d-day 4
> she is just so good at making me feel like this is all my fault how she was hopping things would change but they never did. Its like she gives me just a liitle hope when i see her but then she leaves and i dont herefrom her for a while.then we meet and its the same thing over and over again . I no iam acting like a child like bandit said.this is not he end of the world like ive been acting. The deal with her being with him this weekend and iam sure they had sex is the dealbreaker for me .


Post #294:



> Well it happend again last night we had to go to a meeting regarding our son.we went to the meeting .came out and she started crying .i felt bad for her and held her we once again talked about our marriage and she talked about comming back.we held hands i walked her to her car.she wanted to kiss me i said your in a relationship with your boy freind dont cheat on him by kissing me .she said it was not cheating on him because she is still married to me. How messed up is that.anyway we left she said she was going to think about us. Then today she text me and acted like it was just not going to work between us. She is one way when iam with her and anther way when iam not with her. I have to go to these meetings for my son ,and see her and this really mess my head up .why is she doing this.


 and Post #348:



> Just a little update she came to my house the sunday to bring me some paper work witch she could have mailed.we talked a little bit and this is some of the dumb things she says, i said i new she was still talking to him i found his number in her old cell phone a long time ago. She said that when i saw the number i should have given her mor love and affection so she would stop talking to him.she said she has a little love left for me and she thought their was a smaal chanch we could get back togather after i thought about it and her saying she has a little love for me and asmall chanch she would take me back she cheated on me and she is going to take me back so the next day i text her and told her to take that little love she has for me and that little chanch i had of her taking me back that she could shove them up her ass it was the best felling i have had in a long time


Here's the bottom line, kwood:

- She's been playing with your emotions like a yo-yo for years.

- She's not going to change.

- The two of you will eventually be divorced.

Here's what you need to decide:

- Do you get the divorce over with and start to rebuild your life now, while your still young enough to find someone else; or

- Do you give her another chance (and another and another) until she finally dumps you, maybe in seven more years, when your romantic options are a lot fewer.

The choice is yours.


----------



## Dyokemm

"Not to sound cold kwood, but the damage that has been done was her's alone, frankly to be honest most time when people say they will kill themselves they are in actuality trying to extract emotions from someone, in this you"

It can be manipulation.

But I never discount the pain and despair that a person finally facing consequences and truly seeing themselves 'in the mirror' for the first time may actually be feeling.

But the key thing for kwood or anyone else in this situation to realize is this....

You cannot save a person from themselves.

All the pain, despair, depression, anxiety, revulsion, and hurt they are experiencing in that moment is ENTIRELY the result of their own choices....and the only person who can even begin to pull them out of that pit is themselves.

They put themselves there...they have to find a path out for themselves.

Any efforts to save them by the BS or other loved one will only amount to enabling, allowing them to rugsweep their behavior and never have to face what they have allowed themselves to become.

Only they can fix the demons that drove them to that point.

The most a BS or loved one should do is call 911 if they feel an active attempt is imminent.

Other than that, let them finally 'pay the piper' for the choices they have made.


----------



## Jasel

kwood said:


> yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
> and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.


Please. The next time she threatens to kill herself hang up the phone, call 911, tell them your wife is threatening to kill herself over her cheating and your failed marriage and you don't know how to handle it. Believe me she won't pull that **** again when the police and paramedics show up. Especially if they bring her to the ER for a psych eval.

Don't engage in **** like that. 9/10 it's a partner trying to emotionally manipulate you into further discussion or sympathy. The trick is to shut it down and either do what I said, or tell them if they keep bringing up self-harm you're hanging up and have nothing further to say.

*STOP ENGAGING*. Why are you still talking to her anyway? Tell her any communication can be done through text, email, or your lawyers.


----------



## turnera

True. Why ARE you talking to her? You're divorcing her. Stop acting like you're staying married. Unless you're just lying to us. Or yourself.


----------



## kwood

turnera said:


> True. Why ARE you talking to her? You're divorcing her. Stop acting like you're staying married. Unless you're just lying to us. Or yourself.


Why would I lie to you guys you have helped
Me very much.I guess I held on to the hope
That this was not the real her that she was
Better than this.but she is not and I have
Had to learn it the hard and painful way
I felt if I stood by her no matter what
She would see I truly loved her and she
Would love me back.boy was I a dumb ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

The thing is, she needs help. She can't love you, not properly. Not until she gets professional help - and lots of it.

Until she's done it, gotten that help, you two don't have a prayer.


----------



## dash74

kwood said:


> yesterday we received our court date in the mail.it is june 10th. the wife called me last night crying .and saying she has lost everything.
> and that she wants her old life back but she can not have it.she was saying she was going to kill her self.that she will never be happy.she has not come right out and said it but from the things she has said her .and the boyfriend fell apart.i did talk to her for a while because of her saying she was going to kill her self. the bad part is their is a part of me that really wants her back as dumb as that may sound .iam 45 years old and we were togather 23 years so over half of my life has been with her.she has said on her own that she don't belive we could get back togather because of all the damage that has been done. I do worry about her and love her but I will not be lied to and cheated on anymore.and I don't no if I could ever trust her again .even if I idid everthing she says I did not do while we were married would it ever be enough to make her happy.and how would I ever feel like iam number 1 to her and not just the one who was their when her world feel apart.she should have thought about all this years agao.


You need to change this to her ring tone and play it in the background any time she calls she will get the hint it oh and selfish people by nature dont kill themselves 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=29ebiwO4O70


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## kwood

turnera said:


> The thing is, she needs help. She can't love you, not properly. Not until she gets professional help - and lots of it.
> 
> Until she's done it, gotten that help, you two don't have a prayer.


your right turnera but when I said something about her getting help she went nuts and said she don't need help. she would go in to these fits a lot when we were togather she would be ok one time and start yelling the next . I even went to her mom about her moods swings she did go to the doctor and got some meds .but she did not take them all the time. she would say things like I have to dope my self up to make people happy ,and just smart ass stuff like that. she has pretty much been a hatefull person to me and our kids for the last several years. I think it was because she hated me and wanted someone elese. now mothers day is sunday and my oldest son says he is not doing anything for her not even going to call her because she walked out on us .he is older and I cant change his mind but this will hurt her badly but she has hurt him badly.


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## turnera

Who cares what she says? She is a serial cheater who repeatedly rips your heart out. At THIS stage, in THIS condition, you have no choice but to move on. 

You tell her that you think she'd benefit from therapy and THEN YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, because you are DIVORCING her.

She's free to then do whatever the hell she wants with your information, because it no longer matters to you, because you are DIVORCING her.

SOMEday, after she has hit rock bottom and finally gotten some CONSEQUENCES like losing you in her life, she MAY wake up one day and think, this sucks, maybe he was right, I guess I'll find a therapist. And then she'll be off and running (or not). Which won't matter to you because you'll have divorced her by then and moved on. Who knows, maybe after she gets that help, she'll realize what she's done, make amends, and prove herself to you. If you even still want her at that point.

But NONE of that will happen if you keep talking to her, meeting her Emotional Needs, propping her up.


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## tom67

turnera said:


> Who cares what she says? She is a serial cheater who repeatedly rips your heart out. At THIS stage, in THIS condition, you have no choice but to move on.
> 
> You tell her that you think she'd benefit from therapy and THEN YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, because you are DIVORCING her.
> 
> She's free to then do whatever the hell she wants with your information, because it no longer matters to you, because you are DIVORCING her.
> 
> SOMEday, after she has hit rock bottom and finally gotten some CONSEQUENCES like losing you in her life, she MAY wake up one day and think, this sucks, maybe he was right, I guess I'll find a therapist. And then she'll be off and running (or not). Which won't matter to you because you'll have divorced her by then and moved on. Who knows, maybe after she gets that help, she'll realize what she's done, make amends, and prove herself to you. If you even still want her at that point.
> 
> But NONE of that will happen if you keep talking to her, meeting her Emotional Needs, propping her up.


:iagree:
KISA
Knight in shining armour.


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## Mr Blunt

> your right turnera but when I said something about her getting help she went nuts and said she don't need help.


At this point she is totally hopeless. 

Kwood, you have to drop all communication with her and stop your mind from thinking about her and your hurt. I know that is real hard but she is a cancer to your soul and you need to move on for yourself and your children!


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## kwood

turnera said:


> Who cares what she says? She is a serial cheater who repeatedly rips your heart out. At THIS stage, in THIS condition, you have no choice but to move on.
> 
> You tell her that you think she'd benefit from therapy and THEN YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, because you are DIVORCING her.
> 
> She's free to then do whatever the hell she wants with your information, because it no longer matters to you, because you are DIVORCING her.
> 
> SOMEday, after she has hit rock bottom and finally gotten some CONSEQUENCES like losing you in her life, she MAY wake up one day and think, this sucks, maybe he was right, I guess I'll find a therapist. And then she'll be off and running (or not). Which won't matter to you because you'll have divorced her by then and moved on. Who knows, maybe after she gets that help, she'll realize what she's done, make amends, and prove herself to you. If you even still want her at that point.
> 
> But NONE of that will happen if you keep talking to her, meeting her Emotional Needs, propping her up.


I just don't no if I would ever want her back she has shown how little not just me but our kids mean to her . I really don't think she understands the damage she has done to them .my oldest son has trust issues he tried to talk to her about one time and she told him to just get over it he is now in therpy witch she say he dose not need


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## turnera

Well, then, STOP TALKING TO HER.


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## kwood

I have stoped talking to her . I deleted her phone number out of my phone .she text me and I did not respond. what elese is their to talk about .she did not want me ,she did not want our family, she moved out on me ,she hid her affair for 8 years , she refused all my help after.i caught her a third time.she really has made it pretty clear how she feels.so their is nothing more I can do or say. I hope drummer boy was worth it to her.because now she has lost everthing
and I think it is starting to sink in with her.but I really don't feel sorry for her.


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Why would I lie to you guys you have helped
> Me very much.I guess I held on to the hope
> That this was not the real her that she was
> Better than this.but she is not and I have
> Had to learn it the hard and painful way
> I felt if I stood by her no matter what
> She would see I truly loved her and she
> Would love me back.boy was I a dumb ass.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Problem is you never knew the real her, or you were too busy worshiping her up on her pedestal and looking up at her through love goggles. The real her was there all the while: a broken cheater. You have taken the goggles off and now you see her in all her vast ugliness.


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> *I just don't no if I would ever want her back* she has shown how little not just me but our kids mean to her . I really don't think she understands the damage she has done to them .my oldest son has trust issues he tried to talk to her about one time and she told him to just get over it he is now in therpy witch she say he dose not need


You won't want her back. I know it is hard to believe now while your feelings are so raw, but after you divorce her and continue to detach you will get to a place of complete indifference towards her. Not hate...but indifference, in that she will mean absolutely nothing to you. She will be relegated to a troublesome memory from a past, distant life you once had. 

Someday you will find a woman who hopefully has morals and treats you like a wife should.


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## kwood

Thank you bandit and turnera and every one else for all your help. It means a lot just to bad we have to come here that our wifes and husbands do what they promise to do


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## alte Dame

Eight years, kwood. Eight long years of lying and betrayal.

You sound like SUCH a good man. I hope you will continue to value yourself enough to truly say that it is over. It is a huge step and very hard, I know, but you have earned a better life than the one she has created for you.

Keep your eyes on the prize: Your children and the value that you place on them and your own life. Force yourself to focus just on those things. The hold she has had on your heart will loosen. It is mind over matter. Stay strong.


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## kwood

Well iam sorry to every one on because my wife told me yesterday that she did not have a affair , she called to me to ask a question about our old house .then she said the what she did with this orther man was not a affair. So i said did you kiss him she said yes i said did you tell him you love him she said yes, i said did you sneak around behind my back and she said yes now iam asking all of you is that not a affair. In her mind she was driven to all this because of how she was treated inour home .she did not get the love she needed. I swear i did my my best to change.and i could do nothing right.she said if things were getting better between me and her she would have stoped seeing him ,and that she could work on our marriae while talking to him .she is veary good at making me feel like all this is my fault. But i really did try. I no the first thing you guys are going to ask is why was i talking to her she called me and i did tell her to stop.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Well iam sorry to every one on because my wife told me yesterday that she did not have a affair , she called to me to ask a question about our old house .then she said the what she did with this orther man was not a affair. So i said did you kiss him she said yes i said did you tell him you love him she said yes, i said did you sneak around behind my back and she said yes now iam asking all of you is that not a affair. In her mind she was driven to all this because of how she was treated inour home .she did not get the love she needed. I swear i did my my best to change.and i could do nothing right.she said if things were getting better between me and her she would have stoped seeing him ,and that she could work on our marriae while talking to him .she is veary good at making me feel like all this is my fault. But i really did try. I no the first thing you guys are going to ask is why was i talking to her she called me and i did tell her to stop.


Unless she had one or more of your children w/ her when she called, there was absolutely no reason for you to answer her call.

STOP. ANSWERING. HER. CALLS.


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## Row Jimmy

Well if she said she isn't having an affair then it must be true!!! 

You should apologize for acting all hurt and emotional because the dysfunction in the relationship is obviously 100% your fault and what else is a married person to do besides cheat when they don't like how things are going? You should get down on your knees and beg forgiveness from this women who has zero morals or loyalty and is treating you and your kids like a easily replaceable pile of crap.

I know this stuff ain't easy on the heart but If you don't want to stand up for yourself then nobody will. 

If you want to keep the "marriage" going then have at it...


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## RV9

kwood said:


> Well iam sorry to every one on because my wife told me yesterday that she did not have a affair , she called to me to ask a question about our old house .then she said the what she did with this orther man was not a affair. So i said did you kiss him she said yes i said did you tell him you love him she said yes, i said did you sneak around behind my back and she said yes now iam asking all of you is that not a affair. In her mind she was driven to all this because of how she was treated inour home .she did not get the love she needed. I swear i did my my best to change.and i could do nothing right.she said if things were getting better between me and her she would have stoped seeing him ,and that she could work on our marriae while talking to him .she is veary good at making me feel like all this is my fault. But i really did try. I no the first thing you guys are going to ask is why was i talking to her she called me and i did tell her to stop.


Don't tell her to stop. Disconnect.


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## imjustwatching

I agree with everyone here why the F you still talking to her. Don' t lose any minute on her


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## bfree

Next time she calls...hang up.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

You should have told her that you can't believe her because shr's already lied to you for so long.

Then when she again claimed her innocence, you then ask her to prove it. When she asks how, you tell her you'll set up a polygraph for next week.

If she ever agreed to take one(and she won't), you'd either start getting trickle truth, or she'd back out at the last minute.

So, if she does this again, tell her to to pass a poly. If she refuses, tell her not to contact you anymore unless it's about the D and hang up.

You're only hurting yourself by continually staying in contact with her. Like people that want to successfully give up drinking know they can't hang around in bars.


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## honcho

I got some prime swampland I'll make you the deal of a lifetime on. Maybe you would be interested in a bridge.....

She plays you and plays you and you just run to be abused by her. You NEED to QUIT talking to her. You need to break this mental image of this wife you think you have. It doesn't exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

kwood said:


> she called me and i did tell her to stop.


You told her...AFTER you picked up the damn phone!

Block her phone number, kwood. Or have it rerouted to your mother. Do SOMETHING. 

Good grief.


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## Chaparral

kwood said:


> Well iam sorry to every one on because my wife told me yesterday that she did not have a affair , she called to me to ask a question about our old house .then she said the what she did with this orther man was not a affair. So i said did you kiss him she said yes i said did you tell him you love him she said yes, i said did you sneak around behind my back and she said yes now iam asking all of you is that not a affair. In her mind she was driven to all this because of how she was treated inour home .she did not get the love she needed. I swear i did my my best to change.and i could do nothing right.she said if things were getting better between me and her she would have stoped seeing him ,and that she could work on our marriae while talking to him .she is veary good at making me feel like all this is my fault. But i really did try. I no the first thing you guys are going to ask is why was i talking to her she called me and i did tell her to stop.



Everyone want s to fix their marriage and make it like it never happened. The problem here is your wife is trying everything to convince you to take her back.

First she said a little part of her would take you back. Then she said she would commit suicide to make you feel sorry for her and blame yourself and take her back.

Now she has a new plan. Knowing you have caught her many times, the only thing she can think of is to lie her ass. The problem with this plan is that she thinks you are dumber than a bag of rocks and you will believe her instead of you own eyes.

No wonder she wants you back. She's banged drummer boy's drums anytime he called. He's in a band, unmarried and has plenty of groupie women to f^ck. Why would he want a woman in her forties full time. He doesn't love her, he lacks to plow her field and make fun of you. BUT NOT ALL THE TIME! 

Number one, she has been his go to piece anytime he wanted her. She would skip out on her family anytime he called. to give him a little action.

Number two, you have no idea how long she has been servicing him or how often.

Divorce her and make her go to therapy........ then maybe you two will have something to talk about.


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## OldWolf57

K, I only come to this thread when I have built up a lil strength to keep from coming thru this screen and slap the cowboy sh#t out of you.

Dude, you have no business having a child, as you seem to be a child yourself.

STOP talking to this woman COMPLETELY.


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## kwood

I have stoped talking to her and iam not going to anymore. but I would like to no hoe long will the hurt last somedays I feel good ,some days I just want to sit and cry.when I go to places me and her went it is veary hard. I should hate her AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE TO ME . you guys can say iam weak or acting like a child or what ever. but iam trying veary hard to get over this and somedays ijust feel like iam not going to make it.i just want to be happy and feel like a good man again.but iam starting to thinj that never going to happen. I feel so much guilt and like a failed at my marriage.and I could have done so much better. I swear to god I was trying to be the husband she wanted but she never gave me any credit and did.not see the changes I was making. I guess ill just try to go on in this life that I hate.and try to make it through anther day .but I just wish the pain would go away I don't no how much longer I can take it.


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## turnera

You will NEVER feel happy and like a good man as long as you are with HER.

And it's going to take you at least 4 or 5 months away from her before you start to lose the 'fog' you have from her, and to start seeing the world for the truth.

And why aren't you taking anti-depressants?


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## kwood

iam going to call the doctor and see if I can get some anti- depressants. thank you turnera. for your help


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## chaos

Before resorting to anti-depressants, consider seeking professional counseling for you.


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## kwood

I have been seeing a thypeist but it is not helping, iam starting to think iam beyond help. like I said I hate all off this how do people do this to the people they marry,our to their familys


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## toonaive

DSM-IV Definition. Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths. And probably just plain selfish and they don't care about anybody except themselves.


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## turnera

The anti-depressants will just help you get over the hurdle, have a little more energy, stop feeling like crying all the time. Make it easier to get through every day, so that eventually you'll wake up and won't need them any more. They will also help you stop wallowing in self-pity and get something useful out of the therapy you're going to.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> I have stoped talking to her and iam not going to anymore. but I would like to no hoe long will the hurt last somedays I feel good ,some days I just want to sit and cry.when I go to places me and her went it is veary hard. I should hate her AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE TO ME . you guys can say iam weak or acting like a child or what ever. but iam trying veary hard to get over this and somedays ijust feel like iam not going to make it.i just want to be happy and feel like a good man again.but iam starting to thinj that never going to happen. I feel so much guilt and like a failed at my marriage.and I could have done so much better. I swear to god I was trying to be the husband she wanted but she never gave me any credit and did.not see the changes I was making. I guess ill just try to go on in this life that I hate.and try to make it through anther day .but I just wish the pain would go away I don't no how much longer I can take it.


She had the game rigged from the beginning. You could have completely changed over and over trying to keep her happy, she would have just changed her mind. Your stbx didn't want a husband, she wants a caretaker. 

We all could have done things better in our marriages. How did your stbx hold up her end of the bargain? Oh yeah she just ran around and did whatever she pleased and guilted you. She abused the very love you dished out to her. 

Your going to have good days and bad, this is part of the process. Its easy to say but your going to hurt for as long as you want to hurt. Once you break this emotional stranglehold that she has on you it starts getting better. You will start to see its not what you lost but what she threw away.


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## alte Dame

Your WW has fooled you into thinking that you are to blame for her cheating. If only you behaved differently, she says, she wouldn't have to 'turn to another man.'

This is complete garbage. She cheats because she wants to. Nobody is making her do it. There's nothing you've done to make her be unfaithful. Nothing. She has free will. If she's unhappy, there are lots of ways to handle it besides cheating.

You couldn't have stopped her. Ever. You can't stop her now. I don't believe you were a bad husband. I do believe that she has been a bad wife.

The pain will lessen. It will. Read other people's threads here. You will see that it gets better with time.


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## OldWolf57

K, you need more anger. Thats what you use to get thru the pain.
Also you ask yourself the wrong questions. You should be asking yourself how could you put someone before yourself and your son.

Your thread reads like your son will be without his mom and pop if she won't take you back.

Really ?? Are you just going to crawl into a hole and let your son end up in foster care??

The folks here keep telling you and telling you, so pay fkin attention.
YOU are a grown as man, and your marriage was NEVER some perfect fairy tale, so start acting like a real father and focus on bettering yourself for your son.

And during those quiet times when the hurt sneak up on you, thats when you use the anger over how she is hurting your son to get thru.

It's one foot in front of the other until you can run man.


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## OldWolf57

Oh, and Kwood, go read IIJokerII thread, or just read page 38.


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## BobSimmons

kwood said:


> I have stoped talking to her and iam not going to anymore. but I would like to no hoe long will the hurt last somedays I feel good ,some days I just want to sit and cry.when I go to places me and her went it is veary hard. I should hate her AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE TO ME . you guys can say iam weak or acting like a child or what ever. but iam trying veary hard to get over this and somedays ijust feel like iam not going to make it.i just want to be happy and feel like a good man again.but iam starting to thinj that never going to happen. I feel so much guilt and like a failed at my marriage.and I could have done so much better.* I swear to god I was trying to be the husband she wanted* but she never gave me any credit and did.not see the changes I was making. I guess ill just try to go on in this life that I hate.and try to make it through anther day .but I just wish the pain would go away I don't no how much longer I can take it.


Instead of doing that, you should have tried to be the man that you are. Not a 2x4, just facts.


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## RV9

Before being a husband, a father, a man, you are first and foremost a human. You deserve dignity and peace provided you are willing to pay the price. The price is letting go of your addiction, ie your WW.


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## kwood

I have been reading through all your post and I would like to thank each and every one of you for your help.the one thing that iam starting to understand is that what I have lost is a woman that cares nothing about her family , a woman that has no respect for marriage , and a woman that will destroy everybody just to make her own self happy. I no iam not the only person who has married someone like this, each and everyone of us that has been cheated on is married to this type of person, some people get lucky and the cheater is sorry for what they have done and works hard to fix it. in my case it has been years of her lying to me ,and making me feel like I was never good enough for her. she new I needed her I loved her and wanted her veary badly. she made a fool out of me. iam moving on yesterday was a veary bad day for me .but I layed in bed last night reading your post and thinking .she is really a piece of shi## and she don't deserve me and our son. iam see a new girl and she is the sweetest person .she has actually called me sweetie and just says small things that make me feel good .I have not had a woman say kind things to me in a long time
or made it feels good to feel like iam not a complete failer


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## G.J.

Your didn't fail at anything

You said it your self you married a selfish women

As soon as she becomes a memory you'll wonder why you didn't finish your marriage a long time ago


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## kwood

I would like to know how you folks feel about affairs and kids.as you all no my wifes affairs started in 08, my oldest was 15 and my youngest was 9 they spent several years watching me and her fight and her cheating all the time and me being a whimp and letting her get by with it. now today they are older but they hate her,they want nothing to do with her .my oldest has trust issues.and he wants away from her her family and anything to do with her. she says this is between me and and not her and not the kids. I want to help my kids and I understand that I was mot a good farther keeping them in a bad place. what should I do to help them, are they right to feel the way they do. I just want to be a good dad. my family also keeps telling me when they see her and how happy she looks and she is not hurting from this witch bothers me.


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## turnera

They're mad at her for cheating?

GOOD?

You raised them right.

That's called a consequence. She will have to EARN their affection back. As it should be. Stay out of it.


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## workindad

Kwood, tough call there I had similiar issues, but our train wreck didn't last any where near as long.

My kids had significant trust issues because XWW got caught in lies with them as well as me and they are not stupid. I had to intervene a few times.

My XWW had to do a lot of rebuilding of her relationship with our kids. They knew what happened and were very hurt and upset with their mom.

Had our issue gone on for years... I'm not sure what I could have done?

My XWW has and is putting the work into reconcilling with the kids. Yes that was part of the cost and she came to realize it. I have supported that process, but have made it clear that there would never be a reconciliation of our marriage in any way. I wanted to make sure ur kids could bank on where I stood with that issue.


Sorry I don't have any better advice.

Good luck, stay the course and be the example your kids are still paying attention to and learning from!

All the best
WD


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## kwood

It is now going on two weeks since i talked to her she has text me but i did not respound .it is hard i feel like a peice of me is missing.i have good days and bad days. Like i said in my orther post iam seeing a girl and that is helping.she is a veary sweet girl and we seem to like each orther.she is sweet kind and a veary caring person.but iam affarid of messing it up my wife made me feel like everthing that went wrong was my fault.if id only been a better husband she would have never done what she did.iam not going to rush into anything with this new girl we are just taking it slow.but why is it we can have somebody tear our hearts out tear our family apart.and cost us everthing we own yet we still long for them.i talked to the man who lived next door to us at our old house and he said she was over their cryng so hard he could hear her in his house .why would she cry iam giving her what she wants iam out of her life and moving on . I just hope this gets better and i hope someday to be happy again


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## alte Dame

Your WW has emotionally abused you for years, kwood, and one result is that she has you brainwashed. You believe that you caused all the bad things that she has done. But, of course, you haven't.

It will take time for you to detach from her and to stop believing the way she so successfully shifted the blame for her bad behavior.

Take it slow with the new woman. You seem like a very good man. You have kept this about yourself even after the years of abuse from your WW. This will shine through in the end. You'll learn to understand your value. You deserve to have someone treat you well. Why wouldn't you deserve it?

Keep ignoring your WW's texts/calls. The longer you do this, the better you will feel about your life.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> It is now going on two weeks since i talked to her she has text me but i did not respound .it is hard i feel like a peice of me is missing.i have good days and bad days. Like i said in my orther post iam seeing a girl and that is helping.she is a veary sweet girl and we seem to like each orther.she is sweet kind and a veary caring person.but iam affarid of messing it up my wife made me feel like everthing that went wrong was my fault.if id only been a better husband she would have never done what she did.iam not going to rush into anything with this new girl we are just taking it slow.but why is it we can have somebody tear our hearts out tear our family apart.and cost us everthing we own yet we still long for them.*i talked to the man who lived next door to us at our old house and he said she was over their cryng so hard he could hear her in his house .why would she cry iam giving her what she wants iam out of her life and moving on .* I just hope this gets better and i hope someday to be happy again


The other guy probably dumped her. When that happened, she realized that she was nothing more than a cheap piece of ass to him.

Good for her.


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## OldWolf57

K, you seem afraid to be alone. BUT K, you need this alone time to grow.
You do not need to be attaching yourself emotionally to anyone at this time.
I do understand tho. You and your ww are sounding co-dependent.
The thing is, you both don't want to let go until you grab onto someone else.

Stop that, this is your growing time.

As for your sons, the 21 yr old may not want to see a IC, but you can get the 15 in to see your's.


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## Divinely Favored

GusPolinski said:


> kwood said:
> 
> 
> 
> It is now going on two weeks since i talked to her she has text me but i did not respound .it is hard i feel like a peice of me is missing.i have good days and bad days. Like i said in my orther post iam seeing a girl and that is helping.she is a veary sweet girl and we seem to like each orther.she is sweet kind and a veary caring person.but iam affarid of messing it up my wife made me feel like everthing that went wrong was my fault.if id only been a better husband she would have never done what she did.iam not going to rush into anything with this new girl we are just taking it slow.but why is it we can have somebody tear our hearts out tear our family apart.and cost us everthing we own yet we still long for them.*i talked to the man who lived next door to us at our old house and he said she was over their cryng so hard he could hear her in his house .why would she cry iam giving her what she wants iam out of her life and moving on .* I just hope this gets better and i hope someday to be happy again
> 
> 
> 
> The other guy probably dumped her. When that happened, she realized that she was nothing more than a cheap piece of ass to him.
> 
> Good for her.
Click to expand...


This exactly my thoughts


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> i talked to the man who lived next door to us at our old house and he said she was over their cryng so hard he could hear her in his house .why would she cry I am giving her what she wants I am out of her life and moving on .


*She is crying because she is empty within herself and is starting to realize that.* When you betray trust and love three times it is no accident and the consequences will eventually hit you in the face. What good strong man with decent self-esteem would want a 3 time cheater? Of course you have those men that will jump at the chance to get their rocks off with just about any married woman. Those men are usually losers that do not have much integrity.


Kwood do everything that you can to build yourself up so that you keep your self-respect. You will continue to suffer for a while longer but if you do it right you will be much better off without a woman that will show you no respect or love and bang other men on THREE separate occasions. Any woman that will betray her husband and children on three separate occasions will eventually drag you down so low that you will never be able to get back up to have a good life. That goes for the men also.

If you witness your wife sobbing away because she has to endure her consequences you probably will feel sorry for her and may even want to comfort her because you sound like a decent man. However, *just remember that she is damaged goods and has done too much damage to you for you to have any type close relationship with her*. Be very careful Kwood because you are still somewhat emotionally attached to her. Just remember that she is a black widow to you and you know what happens when you get close to a black widow. I am sure there are a lot of good women out there that will not betray you over and over again.


----------



## turnera

kwood, going forward remember that women KNOW how to manipulate men. We don't always do it, we don't even OFTEN do it, but WE ALL KNOW HOW. And some women, in times of stress or when backed into a corner, may resort to manipulating a man. Through tears, guilt, anger, or sex.

Be prepared.


----------



## arbitrator

turnera said:


> kwood, going forward remember that women KNOW how to manipulate men. We don't always do it, we don't even OFTEN do it, but WE ALL KNOW HOW. And some women, in times of stress or when backed into a corner, may resort to manipulating a man. Through tears, guilt, anger, or sex.
> 
> Be prepared.


* Amen! *


----------



## kwood

I was just wondering it has been 5 mounths since d-day number 3 , and iam doing ok i think by the 3rd time you get use to the pain. But iam starting to have a lot of questions
about why has all this happend to me. Like why was i not good enough. Why did our marriage mean nothing to her, why would you want to hurt our kids and tear our family apart. What happend to the person i married was i so bad i turned you in to this person. I cant help but wonder was i that bad. She left me belving that this drummer man was going to make her happy giving her what she wanted.he did not..she spent a lot of time cheating on me with him .now she is free he dose not seem to want her. Now she has lost me her home her kids , her self respect and belives there is to much damage to come back home. I just wonder was it worth it to her.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> I am starting to have a lot of questions
> about why has all this happened to me. Like why was I not good enough. Why did our marriage mean nothing to her, why would you want to hurt our kids and tear our family apart? What happened to the person I married was I so bad I turned you into this person? I can't help but wonder was I that bad.


kwood, how many times do we have to say this? How many ways? 

First, SHE has the capacity to cheat. It was always inside her. Don't confuse that.

BUT...as we have told you over and over and over and over and over again...

you are TOO WEAK.

You are TOO BETA.

You are TOO ready to believe you shouldn't respect yourself and should BEG a woman to stay with you. 

WOMEN DO NOT LIKE WEAK MEN.

Women LEAVE weak men. Some women CHEAT on weak men because they know that weak man will just sit there and let them cheat on them THREE TIMES and do NOTHING.

It's her fault she cheated.

But you sure as hell aren't helping the situation.


----------



## kwood

ok iam weak I get that but is it wrong to wonder
why she did what she did. I just have questions
I thought I was doing much better then I was 5 mounths
ago .I would never beg her to come home now but I would have 
5 mounths ago. what am I not doing to help my situation. if there is something elese I need to be doing please tell me.


----------



## toonaive

It just takes time Kwood. Just realize the more you stay away from her, and the less you communicate, the better off you will be. You will slip up from time to time, the big thing is that there is gradual forward progress for you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kwood i get it, you want an answer, you want all of this to make some what of sense, but here is the reality of the situation, sometimes there are no answers that make sense, sometimes people's behavior go directly opposite to their own well being, and you can be the best catch in the world and they will still cheat, they can't help it because they need to feed some internal fire that one person or even 10 people will never satisfy, she will evenly cheat with who ever she is with, don't be surprised if she ends up cheating on them with you. the bottom line kwood is that you can't fix what you don't own, and she is broken and you can't fix her, you can't be her white knight because she will take advantage of your goodness and continue to suck the life out of you until you have nothing more to give and you become a dried up caracas. you need to live for yourself and your son...show him the right path...be the parent he needs right now.


----------



## toonaive

Xenote said:


> Kwood i get it, you want an answer, you want all of this to make some what of sense, but here is the reality of the situation, sometimes there are no answers that make sense, sometimes people's behavior go directly opposite to their own well being, and you can be the best catch in the world and they will still cheat, they can't help it because they need to feed some internal fire that one person or even 10 people will never satisfy, she will evenly cheat with who ever she is with, don't be surprised if she ends up cheating on them with you. the bottom line kwood is that you can't fix what you don't own, and she is broken and you can't fix her, you can't be her white knight because she will take advantage of your goodness and continue to suck the life out of you until you have nothing more to give and you become a dried up caracas. you need to live for yourself and your son...show him the right path...be the parent he needs right now.


Exactly Kwood! Dont go looking for answers to make sense of this. It just doesnt make any sense. Dont go looking to fix something, that is not fixable. You cannot use logic to solve something that isnt logical. Keep these truisms close to your heart, repeat them to yourself as often as necessary.


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## turnera

kwood said:


> ok iam weak I get that but is it wrong to wonder
> why she did what she did. I just have questions
> I thought I was doing much better then I was 5 mounths
> ago .I would never beg her to come home now but I would have
> 5 mounths ago. what am I not doing to help my situation. if there is something elese I need to be doing please tell me.


What did the books tell you to do?


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## harrybrown

She cheated on you because she wanted to cheat on you.

She wanted to have the A with the band, she is selfish, and that is why she had the A.

She will lie about it is your fault because she does not want to tell you the truth. She is a liar and a cheater.

She may have cheated on the band, as well and got caught. 

But you and your boys will be so much better off with her out of your life. 

Time for you to move on, and do not be "a nice guy", when dealing with your stbx.

Keep up the 180 and stay away from poison. Poison is not good for you and your stbx is poison for you.


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## bandit.45

Who the hell wants to be married to a nasty-ass groupie? I would rather bang a ho from a Guatamalan shanty town than a groupie. They are the lowest form of prostitute there is. 

You should be hating this woman KWood, not yearning for her.


----------



## Lon

kwood said:


> ok iam weak I get that but is it wrong to wonder
> why she did what she did. I just have questions
> I thought I was doing much better then I was 5 mounths
> ago .I would never beg her to come home now but I would have
> 5 mounths ago. what am I not doing to help my situation. if there is something elese I need to be doing please tell me.


kwood, I just found your thread here, read the first few pages then the last page, and felt compelled to reply to your last couple comments...

It was nothing you did or didn't do, nor anything about who you are or who you aren't, that caused her to cheat. She made the decisions to continuously deceive you because loyalty towards you is just not a trait that she places any intrinsic value on. She will continue to deceive you when the opportunities for her to gain something she wants arises, because that is who she is.

For some people like her, they may be able to be loyal but only when there is actually some direct reward in it for them, but their sense of right and wrong isn't their guiding principle in their relationships. So if you were stronger, more confident, more assertive etc she may be enticed into demonstrating loyalty towards you, but that's not really what "loyalty" is, is it?


----------



## Chas

Kwood

Like why was i not good enough.
*It wasn't you, it was her and you know that.*

Why did our marriage mean nothing to her
*Read other stories here. The marriage couldn't compete with the excitement of an affair. Far more stable marriages than your have fallen to this.*

why would you want to hurt our kids and tear our family apart.
*She didn't start out with that intent. The affair fog leads many spouses to make the wrong decisions and by the time it clears they can't undo or fix the damage.*

What happend to the person i married was i so bad i turned you in to this person. I cant help but wonder was i that bad.
*Almost every OP here has asked what happened to the woman I married. She's gone and it had nothing to do with you.*

She left me belving that this drummer man was going to make her happy giving her what she wanted.he did not..she spent a lot of time cheating on me with him .now she is free he dose not seem to want her.
*And that is what justice is all about.*

Now she has lost me her home her kids , her self respect and belives there is to much damage to come back home. I just wonder was it worth it to her.
*I'm sure that it wasn't worth it, but like putting a frog in a pan of water, they never have the vision to see where the situation is headed.*

Kwood, I can understand you having the thoughts about your part in the dissolution of your marriage but you have to understand that this is all about her, not you. She made her decisions with a messed up head so the results were bad and kept compounding the errors with more bad decisions. It's like asking and criminal why they committed the crime. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect?
So, like the others here are saying, it's time for you to let go of the past and concentrate on your future.


----------



## badmemory

kwood,

It takes some BS's more time to understand this than others; but at some point you'll realize you're asking the wrong questions.

Her betrayal is about her, not you. It's about the kind of person she is, not the kind of person you are.

The only questions you should be asking yourself are; Why is it so hard for me to understand this? Why did I put up with her cheating for so long? What can I do to restore my self confidence?

You may be able to find those answers through IC.


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## turnera

Did your mom and dad tell you growing up that you weren't good enough? I wonder where this utter lack of belief in yourself comes from.


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## ConanHub

She is just a cheap, cheating piece of ass.

That is, unfortunately, all that some choose to be.

The drummer knew what she was. After he got tired of sticking it in her, he treated her like what she was.

Don't continue to be fooled about what she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> By Wood
> I was just wondering it has been 5 months since d-day number 3 , and iam doing ok i think by the 3rd time you get use to the pain. But iam starting to have a lot of questions
> about why has all this happend to me. Like why was i not good enough
> ok iam weak I get that but is it wrong to wonder
> why she did what she did.


*Yes it is wrong because in your case it is wasting a lot of time that takes away from you concentrating on improving yourself more*. You focusing on her is you avoiding the real issue that will start to get you a lot better.


I doubt many on this forum want to hear you ask the same questions that boil down to you feeling not good enough and focusing on your wife. You obviously have low self-image of yourself or else you would not have allowed your wife to walk all over you and cheat on your THREE TIMES!!


For you to be trying to analyze your wife is a cop out at this point. *You should only be concentrating on you getting a much better self-image so that you do not allow people to use you like a door mat.* If you do not start taking some of the advice here about you getting you better you will wind up remaining a door mat. No one can make you focus on you except you. It is pitiful that you have allowed your wife to betray you 3 times but it will be even more pitiful if you do not learn and improve yourself. *Talk is cheap, where are your actions for you to get better?*


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## Dyokemm

"The drummer knew what she was. After he got tired of sticking it in her, he treated her like what she was."

More likely, kwood's worthless WW let POS know that she would finally be free to date him soon because kwood finally filed for D.

As soon as POS heard that, he dumped her as fast as he could.

He only wanted to f*ck her while another man took care of all her daily living needs.

He undoubtedly wants no part of an actual relationship with her.

Serves his trashy WW right.

But, POSOM's like this turd, who probably PURPOSELY screws around with M women for NSA sex that requires no real commitments from him, really need an a** beating of monumental proportions.

I would love to read a story some day of a POSOM like this who gets 'dealt' with by a group of the BH's whose lives he has been f*cking up.


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## kwood

Well next wendesday is it for my marriage 
that is the final court date iam really not looking
forward to it .i no she is going to cry and act all
upset . But she had time to try and fix our marriage
she did not want to .she showed up at my house on sunday
saying she was having a bad day. Dont no what she wanted me
to do about it our why she came to me. She came into my house
stright over to me and huged me. I talked to her a little bit she has said 
her band buddy dont talk to her to much. She said her mom would love it 
if we got back togather. Iam not sure if she was hintting or what. I no
seeing her again screwed up my head again .. I should not have let her in
i just hope i get throuh the court date on wendesday please pray for me.


----------



## turnera

kwood, you will both learn a lot from being divorced. And who knows? Down the road after you both have learned and grown, you may run into each other again. 

Or you might both find someone more compatible. Either way, you'll both be happier.


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## Borntohang

Hold your head up! You're a great dad and good husband. You will go on to live an amazing, fun life! You've tried and tried to fix her... At this point (I know it's sad) she is on her own. 
You know the saying "Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do"! In your case, she has shown you over and over, who she really is. I feel sorry for her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kwood

God this hurts with my court date two days away I keep breaking down
I feel like this is a dream and I will soon wake up but I don't .I have prayed
to God to please make her change and come back to me but he dose not 
listen to me. I found out yesterday she has rented a apartment so iam
pretty sure she is moving on. I feel so lost and empty inside. I really 
did try to be better for her she could never see it . I don't want to spend
the rest of my life alone. iam so scared . feel like a shell of a person. like I have no 
life everything I love is gone. like I failed at my marriage, she did not love me for a long 
time. I don't understand if her boyfriend really don't want much to do with her why would 
she not want to try to save her marriage, why am I dumb enough to want her after all
she has done? every is telling me that I have to rebuild and someone will come along that
is not a lier and a cheat. but I have a hard time belving that


----------



## bandit.45

You know K, we understand you are in pain. None of us would dare minimize what you are going through. 

You need to keep stepping back, stay out of the drama. Your ex is a drama addict, and when I read your posts I can see that you are a bit of a drama addict also. 

Your marriage was over years ago the first time you caught her cheating. What will be happening this week is just a formality. Your marriage has been dead for years. You have just been in major denial.

When she came over to see you it was not to comfort you or herself, but to make sure that she still had her emotional hooks in you. Narcissists like her thrive on controlling others, and she has enjoyed controlling you for so long. I dare say she will continue to try to control you after the divorce. 

After the divorce is final you need to go completely and utterly dark. Change your cell number, stop texting her, stop checking her Facebook, and change your e-mail.


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## azteca1986

kwood said:


> every is telling me that I have to rebuild and someone will come along that
> is not a lier and a cheat. but I have a hard time belving that


This because you've spent so long married to someone who is nothing but a liar and a cheat you've forgotten that honest, decent women still exist.

Your Soon-to-be-ex-wife has spent years shredding your self-esteem, knocking you down and cheating on you over and over. That's why you feel "hollow". She has you believing this is your fault (she's wrong), that your marriage failed because you weren't good enough (she's wrong) and that you're nothing without her (she's wrong). 

One day, not now, you'll understand that the day you got divorced was the day you were finally *free* of a tremendous weight that only dragged you down. She's a terrible "wife". Just a bunch of lies and issues walking around in human form.

Wednesdsay will be tough. But you'll get through it. And you'll be fine.


----------



## alte Dame

Your WW sounds like one of those people who thinks that she is helpless to control her impulses and desires. If she wants to do something for some reason, she just does it. If it is a bad thing, then she looks around to find the 'reason' that the impulse came over her. Since she doesn't question whether she should stop herself from following these impulses (as if she's driven in ways she has no power over), she finds the reasons completely outside of herself.

Her reason for cheating and lying is therefore you, OP. 'You make me cheat, BH! If you didn't do A, B, and C, I wouldn't do this to you!'

I think she actually believes these warped justifications and she has you believing them.

There's nothing you could have done to stop her lies and betrayals, in my opinion. Sure, you could have chained her to the bedpost, but short of something like that, she was going to do what she was going to do.

Do people *make* other people murder or steal? Do people *make* other people cheat on exams or run red lights? No, they don't. Certainly, we are influenced by others, but in the main, in our modern world, most of us have choices. We have free will.

We all are trying to undo the brainwashing that your WW so successfully managed with you. You didn't make her do anything because you 'failed' as a husband. She wanted something and she went after it. That is hurtful enough. You just punish yourself unduly if you pile on the guilt for having 'made her do it.'

I'm very sorry for your pain. You sound like a very good man.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Kwood
> I have prayed to God to please make her change and come back to me but he does not listen to me.


This is s pitiful! You want God to bring this woman back to you that has raped your emotions at least 3 times! *How much emotion and dedication have you given God and how much have you given your betrayer?* God hears your prayers but He is not going to overrule your wife’s mind and free will. You have given yourself to your betrayer and see what you have. Maybe you will consider giving your life to God instead of her. The results will be very different!




> By Kwood
> I feel so lost and empty inside. I really did try to be better for her she could never see it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. aim so scared . feel like a shell of a person. like I have no life everything I love is gone.


You are a shell of a man right now but you can get a lot better. She is everything you love? Man you really need to set some different priorities! This woman walks all over you, rejects and replaces you many times for another man, treats you like a turd in the sewer and you feel “LOST”, EMPTY, and SCARED! Kwood, do you see something very wrong with this picture? *When are you going to put yourself ahead of your wife?*


Kwood, if you do not get the right help and start building upon what she has torn down, with you allowing that, then there is no hope for you. You will just become a crying, weak, pitiful man that some other woman or person will walk all over again. I understand that you may be too weak right now to do a lot to change but you can make the decision that you are going to change and then get some help. Do not tell me your excuses as to why you do not get help. Every town or city in this country has resources for you utilize. *Start with the three Fs (Family, Friends, and Faith). If two of the three are not any help then at least you know that your faith is always available. In addition, get good professional help and tap all the millions of resources that are on the Internet.*


This CWI forum is giving all we have but YOU are going to have to stand up and start doing the right things for yourself and include other sources to help you help yourself. At this point you are not doing enough to help yourself you are just crying about how hurt you are. We all have been hurt like that so stop with that cop-out. *You are either going to get better or worse and it all depends on you and the help you get for yourself*.


----------



## kwood

Thank yu all for yor help .mr blunt what you said
is veary true about asking god to bring her back
in my life. She dose not deserve me and god knows
that. Iam getting a lot of help from my family but they
are saying to kick her ass to the curb she is not worth
letting her do this to me. They say that iam seeing the 
true person she is.. Their are a lot of things that she has done
that i have not posted on here .and my family has seen out of her 
they say i was blind.i do belive that for a long time she was a
veary good wife until she got in the band thing and meet the 
drummer man . I dont no what changed her. From the way she used
to be.to the way she is now ... Thank you all again for your help.


----------



## MattMatt

Prayers are being said, dude.

Remember! Keep your pecker up!:smthumbup:

By the way, "keep your pecker up" has an entirely different meaning in the UK and Ireland to what some people might assume it means!


----------



## carmen ohio

MattMatt said:


> Prayers are being said, dude.
> 
> Remember! Keep your pecker up!:smthumbup:
> 
> By the way, "keep your pecker up" has an entirely different meaning in the UK and Ireland to what some people might assume it means!


OK, I'll bite -- what does it mean in the UK and Ireland?


----------



## kwood

Well thank you all for your help. My 
Hearing is over.she cried alot and said she can't believe we are doing this. I don't believe she thought I would do it. She wants us all to go to dinner tonight. And wants us to start seeing more of each other. The only thing is I think she is still talking to the drummer man. So until that ends. I will not go out with her. She has a apartment and has a lease on it for 1 year.she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild. She said the thing with the drummer was about to end. So do you all think I should give it a year to see how it goes. Our am I crazy. Not sure what to do about dating her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> Well thank you all for your help. My
> Hearing is over.she cried alot and said she can't believe we are doing this. I don't believe she thought I would do it. She wants us all to go to dinner tonight. And wants us to start seeing more of each other. The only thing is I think she is still talking to the drummer man. So until that ends. I will not go out with her. She has a apartment and has a lease on it for 1 year.she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild. She said the thing with the drummer was about to end. So do you all think I should give it a year to see how it goes. Our am I crazy. Not sure what to do about dating her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have your get out of jail card. Your a free man why do you want to continue a prison sentence with her? Dating her? Really? That works till the next "soulmate" drummer comes along.

Cut her out of your life, take the next year to rebuild yourself. If you start doing that a year from now you will wonder why you ever thought about dating her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Well thank you all for your help. My
> 
> Hearing is over.she cried alot and said she can't believe we are doing this. I don't believe she thought I would do it. She wants us all to go to dinner tonight. And wants us to start seeing more of each other. The only thing is I think she is still talking to the drummer man. So until that ends. I will not go out with her. She has a apartment and has a lease on it for 1 year.*she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild. She said the thing with the drummer was about to end.*


AYFKM?!?

:slap:

News flash!!! Tommy Lee doesn't want your WW for his main squeeze. In fact, he's not at all interested in having your WW as anything other than his "side piece". IOW, he doesn't want to have anything to do w/ her unless there's some other poor, pathetic, no-respect-for-himself-whatsoever sucker providing for her day-to-day needs... and up until now, that sucker has been you. And THAT'S exactly why things are "ending" w/ him.

Geez... wake the f*ck up and smell the Astroglide.



kwood said:


> So do you all think I should give it a year to see how it goes.


No. Geez.



kwood said:


> Our am I crazy.


Yes. And more than a little pathetic, to be honest.



kwood said:


> Not sure what to do about dating her again.


I am. Don't do it.


----------



## azteca1986

kwood said:


> she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild. She said the thing with the drummer was about to end. So do you all think I should give it a year to see how it goes. Our am I crazy. Not sure what to do about dating her again.


kwood, I want to take you back to your opening post. And then I'll answer your questions:



kwood said:


> *my story starts back in2008* we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting *we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010* when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then *this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with *.she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


To be clear: *This never ended.* Not in seven years. You only caught her three times. 

To answer your questions:
You got to be fvcking joking man. Why would you put yourself through this again?

_"The thing with the drummer was about to end" 
_
Why do you believe this woman? She's nothing but a bag of lies. You know this. We know this. Your kids know this. You're finally free of her and she has the gall to ask you to start dating whilst she's still fvcking the drummer.

One last thing. Before you think any further on this. Read your own thread from start to finish. Just look at what she put you through. After that, don't ask stupid questions.

Best of luck with your freedom.


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## bfree

So in other words she wants you back after the drummer is finished using her as his personal cannoli? Yeah, I don't think so.


----------



## 10th Engineer Harrison

kwood said:


> she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild.


I'd only suggest this if what she meant by "taking a year to date" was date other people for a year with no contact between you for that year, and see where you're at a year from now.

Hopefully in another relationship and not thinking about her ever again.

-10th Engineer Harrison


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> so do you all think i should give it a year to see how it goes. Our am i crazy. Not sure what to do about dating her again.
> _posted via mobile device_


 fvck............ No!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## bandit.45

Seriously 3x....

Were you dropped on your head as a baby? 


I'm not kidding. I really wonder about you. And I don't care if that pisses you off. If I was in your place, your exWW would have been lucky that I didn't spit in her face for even mentioning getting back together. 

She wants a year to date and then get back together? Seriously? What fvcking planet does this creature live on?

She's a groupie 3x... a band wh0re....

Why the hell would you even consider this?


----------



## kwood

Thank you all for your response. I agree with you. And iam not going to do it. It just seems odd that she would even thank about it. And we my head is not clear about something I ask you guys thank you for being honest. I can ask my family but it is good to get the opinion of people not close to the situation.iam not as dumb as I may sound sometimes.but I ask questions so I don't make the same mistakes over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Thank you all for your response. I agree with you. And iam not going to do it. *It just seems odd that she would even thank about it.* And we my head is not clear about something I ask you guys thank you for being honest. I can ask my family but it is good to get the opinion of people not close to the situation.iam not as dumb as I may sound sometimes.but I ask questions so I don't make the same mistakes over again.


It's actually not odd at all. It would be to her advantage for you to take her back in any way, shape, form, or fashion. _But not yours._

After all, the sooner you take her back, the sooner Rikki Rockett can get back to pounding out drum solos on her cervix.

Don't fall for it!


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> Thank you all for your response. I agree with you. And iam not going to do it. It just seems odd that she would even thank about it. And we my head is not clear about something I ask you guys thank you for being honest. I can ask my family but it is good to get the opinion of people not close to the situation.iam not as dumb as I may sound sometimes.but I ask questions so I don't make the same mistakes over again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not dumb...

But you MUST stop carrying a torch for this woman. She deserves no respect, love or fealty from you whatsoever. She has done nothing to deserve your love or faithfulness. In fact she has done everything to prove to you that she is a vile cheat and liar who is not deserving of trust. 

3x there are good, decent women out there who would die to have a good, solid and true man like yourself. They are out there. You just have to be careful and pick wisely next time. 

Oh, and get into some kind of counseling or therapy for your codependency because....damn man...


----------



## Lostinthought61

Look Kwood, as you say we don't have a vested interest in your life other than the fact that we are just want you to be of sound mind and body before you even think of seeing your ex again....yes i said YOUR EX .....she is your EX for a reason...now it is time to repair yourself, we are not asking you to jump into bed with someone else but i am saying that you need time to become the new you...not beholden to her and any other woman....you must become your own man, this decree gave you your balls back, try them out...walk, run, sprint, but learn how to do all of that...all over again with a new set of balls. you have achieved a huge milestone, somber as it maybe it is none the less a milestone...you will have many in the future. stay strong be strong, allow your son to see the man who will not be conquered by lies and deceit. A man when pushed to far will stand up for against hubris and folly of a spouse who is self centered. Since it is June i will bestow a congratulation for graduating laude cum lucky from being a doormat.


----------



## Suspecting2014

kwood said:


> Well thank you all for your help. My
> Hearing is over.she cried alot and said she can't believe we are doing this. I don't believe she thought I would do it. She wants us all to go to dinner tonight. And wants us to start seeing more of each other. The only thing is I think she is still talking to the drummer man.* So until that ends. I will not go out with her. *She has a apartment and has a lease on it for 1 year.she wants us to take a year and date and see how it goes and see if we can rebuild. She said the thing with the drummer was about to end. So do you all think I should give it a year to see how it goes. Our am I crazy. Not sure what to do about dating her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She uis trying to make you her Plan B again. Dont do it.

She is trying to get the pawer she used to have over you, she is not trying to hfix her marriage. She is buying time to keep things going with OM the way he like it (not commitment at all) to fock his brain out to make him comit with her.

IMHO you shouldnt talk to her face to face, not talk to her at all but about kids and D.

Stop talking to her, she is not even your frineds, hasnt been for years.

Never again go aout with her, NEVER!!!!

Ask her to stop cantacting you, that you need to heal from her multiple betrayals and time will tell if you may be frinends or something eles. After you tell her you need time she will run to OM arms as she wants things to be the way they used to before last Dday but this time she has her own place to fock OM as much as she wants.

I think if you manage to minimal contact to her, and just by text, you will be feeling much more better in a matter of days, Why dont you try it?

Good luck


----------



## alte Dame

If you keep moving forward with a new life away from her, you have a chance of mending your broken heart.

If you stay connected to her, you will have a broken heart forever. That is because she is who she is. She is that type of person, the type that things 'happen' to, things that are not her fault. She cheats on you for years, but does she pay attention to the subject of that assertion, the 'she' part? No, she focuses on the 'you' in the sentence. To her it is your fault simply because you are in the equation.

You can choose to keep living your life with a broken heart or you can choose to try to heal your heart. Unlike her, you understand that this is your choice and you take responsibility for the choices you make.

As always, I wish you well.


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

Think clearly my friend.

You are now a free man....able to eventually find and date a new woman who can make you happy.

If you meet a new woman who you discover had betrayed her partner 3 times in her last relationship, would you continue to see her or have anything to do with her afterwards?

I'm betting no....in fact I would bet nearly every BS would tell you today, EVEN IF THEY MANAGED TO R, that if they could travel in time back to BEFORE they got M to their WS knowing that the A would eventually happen, they would not marry their spouse.

Along the same line of reasoning, if you discover that a person you are dating has previously been a cheater, the smart thing to do is dump them and run.

So why should your xWW be any different?.....not only is she a KNOWN cheat.....YOU are the person she betrayed.


----------



## convert

You should date *but not* your soon to be ex wayward wife.

I generally agree most people should hold off on dating, but in your case since I feel she will suck you back in, get out there and date others; You will soon see she is not that special.


----------



## kwood

I would like to say thank you to all the people who replied to my post.
Iam going to make my best to move on no with out her. I have a lot of
guilt because of what i did not do in my marriage. But i did not make her 
cheat.her big thing was if i would shown her love and affection she would
have never done it. She said again yesterday that after i found out she was
talking to him again i should have steped up to the plate and gave her more 
affection so she would stop. She did tell me a lot of things she needed but
how was i going to love a woman more who was cheatting on me? She sure
not give me every thing i needed. Tonight i see my theirpist to see if he can
also help me. I do belive i was a good husband and did try to do my best.
My son has made veary clear he wants nothing to do with her. He said last
night she can go stright to hell.that he wants nothing to do with her. So 
please wish me and my son the best with rebuildig ond moving on . Thank you 
again for all your help and may god bless all of us that has went throught this
hell.


----------



## Muse1976

kwood said:


> I would like to say thank you to all the people who replied to my post.
> Iam going to make my best to move on no with out her. I have a lot of
> guilt because of what i did not do in my marriage. But i did not make her
> cheat.her big thing was if i would shown her love and affection she would
> have never done it. She said again yesterday that after i found out she was
> talking to him again i should have steped up to the plate and gave her more
> affection so she would stop. She did tell me a lot of things she needed but
> how was i going to love a woman more who was cheatting on me? She sure
> not give me every thing i needed. Tonight i see my theirpist to see if he can
> also help me. I do belive i was a good husband and did try to do my best.
> My son has made veary clear he wants nothing to do with her. He said last
> night she can go stright to hell.that he wants nothing to do with her. So
> please wish me and my son the best with rebuildig ond moving on . Thank you
> again for all your help and may god bless all of us that has went throught this
> hell.


I'm sorry you are here and going through this. Please listen to and take your son's approach to this situation. Tell him to smack you upside your head everytime you think of your ex. He knows that this is the way to solve this problem. 

As far as you needing to step up to the plate when you found out that she was still cheating for the 3rd time. FVCK ALL THAT! You should have curb stomped this marriage after you found out that the little drummer boy was still playing the bongos with her booty. 

You don't reward ****ty behavior! Repeat that to yourself everytime you think of the past. 

Best of luck and full speed ahead to a better future.


----------



## bandit.45

You are still talking to her. What did we tell you to do? We told you to stop talking to her. You have no reason to. Your kid is grown, there is no child support issues, so why do you continue to talk to her ? Why? 

You bring this pain on yourself.


----------



## kwood

Bandit i had to talk to her yesterday .
After court i could have got in my car
and left but like a dumb ass i stood and talked
to her.i no you are right....


----------



## OldWolf57

No you didn't, and look at what it did. Here you are again feeling like sh#t after she AGAIN shifted blame.

Now pay attention. That was the last time you talk to her about anything. DO YOU HEAR ME !!!!

It's time for you to really go to work on you for no one else BUT you.
In the future women will see the new you, and come flocking. You can bank on that K.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> She said again yesterday that after I found out she was talking to him again I should have stepped up to the plate and gave her more affection so she would stop.


:rofl:

That's a good one!

Wait, you're serious?! You seriously LET HER SAY THAT to you?

Good grief, man, go pick up a girl at a bar tonight, wine her and dine her, and go get laid. I almost never say that but YOU need to see what real women are like. Not shallow pathetic USERS.


----------



## kwood

turnera I agree that is not the first
time she has said it . my mom about fell
out of her chair when I told her.


----------



## toonaive

"She said again yesterday that after I found out she was talking to him again I should have stepped up to the plate and gave her more affection so she would stop."

This really is quite funny! This needs to go into the thread about stupid stuff my X said. This might just win the award for the most delusional.


----------



## turnera

Well, that just shows how low YOU have fallen for her to think - no, for her to KNOW - that you would accept that bullshyte and BELIEVE it.

Once you're away from her toxicity, once you start meeting real women who are decent, your brainwashing will start to fade away and you'll become a whole human being again. And make some new, real woman happy.


----------



## Lostinthought61

what it take for you to realize that your wife will never take ownership for her actions and will blame you, you should be taking directions from your son...he has it right.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood you are a poster child for Stockholm Syndrome. She has you so brainwashed, so twisted around and messed up that you cannot tell right from wrong anymore.

And this is exaclty the way she wants to keep you. 

She has been abusing you for years kwood. You are an abused husband. Do you understand that?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> “…but like a dumb ass i stood and talked
> to her. *i no you are right*....”


How many times have you told bandit and a bunch of others they are right?
What good does it do us to tell you the right way to deal with your exwife and you ignore us and come back with another pathetic “…I no you are right?

Talk is cheap and only your actions will get you away from being a door mat.

PS I give you a lot of credit for going through with the divorce. You do have a set of balls but you keep them stuck up your AZZ sometimes. Your son chooses you so that tells me that you are a good dad. You sound like a good man Kwood but you have allowed yourself to be a door mat. When you post again how about you tell us that you have followed some of the advice that you have been given on this thread? Start with NOT TALKING or GETTING AROUND your ex.


----------



## kwood

I meet with my counselor last night and he said just what you guys have been telling me. That I was codependent. That I was ok with bring her plan b, that I should not talk to her. And I need to wake up and see what she is.he said she may have been a great wife for the first 15 years but that doesn't give her the right to lie and cheat the next 7. He should all she wants to do it shift the blame to me. He is a divorce life coach and is also going to help me. People could save a lot of money buy just listening to you guys. Thank you all again I will Keep you updated on how things are going. Again thanks for caring 😊
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Breaking freee from codependency is one of the most difficult things a person can do kwood. You have to work it...just like working out your muscles at a gym, or looking for triggers the way I do in order to make sure I don't lapse into drinking again...

In order to get over your codependency you will have to conquer your thoughts and mind... and the first thing you need to keep telling yourself is that you are a good man who deserves love and deserves to be treated well. You need to tell yourself that one hundred times a day. Write it out and stick it on your bathroom mirror. Do what you need to do to reprogram all the bad programming she has been instilling in you since you married her. 

And, for your information, this was happening far longer than just the last seven years of your marriage. She has been tearing you down brick by brick for 22 years my friend. You were just too loveblind to see it. 

Block her calls, block her e-mail, change your phone number if you have to. Do everything you can to start protecting yourself from that vampire. Stop making excuses why you cannot.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> I meet with my counselor last night and he said just what you guys have been telling me. That I was codependent. That I was ok with bring her plan b, that I should not talk to her.



*Ok Kwood, now you can see it is UNANIMOUS with your counselor and us here at TAM.* In addition to what others have said, including Bandit’s mantra you should be saying 100 times a say, find as many things for you to do that will build you up. You have been torn down for years and you are going to have to be real active in building yourself back up. That is very important right now!


Put away those demons that have told you that you did some things wrong in the marriage, of course you did but comparing what you did to what she did is night and day. I doubt that what you did was like sticking a sword into her heart and twisting it THREE times! That is what your wife did to you at least 3 times! You may have committed a misdemeanor but she has committed a manslaughter felony! DO NOT EVEN THINK about blaming yourself for her betrayals; ALL THREE OF THEM (3 that you know about). 

Have your counselor help you with blaming yourself and building yourself up. *You can be a LOT better in due time and probably better than you have ever been in the last 7-22 years!*


----------



## kwood

have you guys ever felt guilty for feeling good.
I have been in a good as of late and it seems
odd. my son was sick yesterday and the first 
thing I did is text her and tell her he was sick.
my mom riped my ass for doing it she said if
he wants her to no he is sick he can tell her..
YOU HAVE TO WONDER HOW A PERSON WHO
YOU LOVED AND WAS MARRIED TO FOR 23 YEARS
CAN TURN AGINST YOU AND HATE YOU SO BAD I JUST
DONT UNDERSTAND IT. july 6 would have been our 24
year wedding anv.that is going to be a rough day.


----------



## bandit.45

Oh for Christ's sake......


----------



## Dyokemm

STOP THIS!!!

You are your own worst enemy kwood.


----------



## poida

bandit.45 said:


> Breaking freee from codependency is one of the most difficult things a person can do kwood. You have to work it...just like working out your muscles at a gym, or looking for triggers the way I do in order to make sure I don't lapse into drinking again...
> 
> In order to get over your codependency you will have to conquer your thoughts and mind... and the first thing you need to keep telling yourself is that you are a good man who deserves love and deserves to be treated well. You need to tell yourself that one hundred times a day. Write it out and stick it on your bathroom mirror. Do what you need to do to reprogram all the bad programming she has been instilling in you since you married her.
> 
> And, for your information, this was happening far longer than just the last seven years of your marriage. She has been tearing you down brick by brick for 22 years my friend. You were just too loveblind to see it.
> 
> Block her calls, block her e-mail, change your phone number if you have to. Do everything you can to start protecting yourself from that vampire. Stop making excuses why you cannot.


It took me more than a year of weekly counselling to finally grow up. And that was with a counsellor who is a fricken genius.

It takes time so get started.

And I too had a thread where people got very frustrated at me for being a walk over, for allowing rug sweeping and for being plan B. It happens to the best of us.

Move on dude. Spend the coin on counselling. It is worth it.

And don't make my mistake and get in a relationship for at least a year. You will know when.


----------



## Decorum

bandit.45 said:


> Oh for Christ's sake......


I am breaking my self imposed ban on posting on this thread, but only to say, YOU OWE HER NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING!!!.

She knows that if you accept blame, she has a doorway back or at least some control, its like a slave brand. Break free!

Once you burn down that house of co-dependence that has been built in your soul you will have a new clarity in your life that will give you the power to say NO, and to disavow the opinion of people who do not have YOUR best interest in mind. You will see it for what it is (fear based living) and you will never go back!

Take the spirit of Martina Mcbride song, Independence Day to heart
and live free!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9tUJxgHkA8


Take care!


----------



## kwood

I would like to ask my oldest son is having a hard time with
what is mother has done to us . he is having trust problems
and he is veary down and out. you see because I was a weak
man he has spent several years with his mom lying and cheating
while dad had had his head up his azz and kissing her butt. now
I have as son with emotional problems. that is my fault.i have him 
seeing a thyprist and he is at the doctor now trying to get help. is there
anything elese I should be doing. he is older now and is a great young man.
he is just so down and out for what his mother did. I get so mad because it
seems to me she has just moved on with no regaurd for her family.she is going 
to miss so much in his life and she is to dumb to realize it .he says he wants her out
of his life for good. I really want to help hm . I could use some advice on how to. 
thank you all for reading and helping.


----------



## Lostinthought61

First of all Kwood...its not about her right now and that and she is behind you...what you should be telling your son in a candor manner, is why you acted the why you did to her behavior, the the rational that was going through your mind, be honest with him and show him the perils of looking the other way around. At this point you need to be the example to him of what not to do, until you finally could not take it...let him ask you anything now and later when he has time to absorb. I will warn you that it will effect his relationship with girls, he will have hard trust issues...but that stems not from you but from her...she own that (100%) and that is something he needs to tell her, not you...he needs to have that talk with her...preferable in therapy session with only the both of them....because she will try to rug sweep and blame you so you need a therapist who will call her out on that.


----------



## kwood

Thank you xenote you are right about trus issues with girls 
he has already had one girl break up with him because of it. 
That was after i cought her the 2 time he was veary close with
this girl . He sat and cryied and me and her sat and tried to help him
after seeing him hurt so bad and seeing how this messed him up how could she do it again.
After this happend he was so mess up i took him to a thyprist.he thyprist wanted her to come 
in with my son so they could work on their relationship. But she would not go 3 times my son
set up a appotment for her and him to go and all 3 times she would not go.saying she did not
belive in therpy. After writing this out i cant belive how dumb i was i was no better of a parent 
then she was .i just loved and wanted my family to be togather.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> I would like to ask my oldest son is having a hard time with
> what is mother has done to us .


I would make sure he has two books to read. First NMMNG, of course. And once he reads that, get him Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. It's a great, easy little book that packed a powerful punch for me. I got it for my H to read (me trying to fix him, lol), but it really made sense to me. In it, the author tells men that yes, they owe their wives their first allegiance. BUT...they also owe themselves an allegiance, and that it's a mistake to forget that when a woman tries to get all his time.

IIRC, the example was an ongoing Saturday morning basketball game the guy had going on before he met his wife; she marries him, tries to make him give up the game, saying he's not treating her good if he goes off with his friends once a week. The author's point is that men and women NEED their own time, their own stuff, so they can rejuvenate with it and come back to the marriage the rest of the time feeling happy and loving and strong.


----------



## farsidejunky

+1 for N.U.T.'s. Probably my favorite self improvement book.

Thanks again, T.


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

Your son is probably really struggling with how he feels right now about his relationship with you too.

I say this from some experience.

My maternal grandfather was one of my heroes and role-models growing up....an old WWII Marine vet who was a tough as nails, no-nonsense guy...he walked on water in my eyes.

A couple years ago, info about my grandmother's multiple A's and the fact my aunt is her A child was revealed in a huge fight between my mom and her sister about taking care of my grandpa after my sl*tty grandmother passed.

It completely shattered the boyhood image of him that I had....the fact that he had put up with her A's and let her foist her love child off on him to raise totally altered my respect for him.

I loved him very much still until he passed himself this January, but I never could look on him with pride ever again...it had turned to pity.

Your son probably wanted YOU to throw her out rather that put up with this crap at least since you caught her the second time.....cutting her out of his life is the action he expected and wanted you to take...but you didn't, and he is struggling with this because he still loves you, but probably cannot for the life of him figure out why you tolerated this sh*t for so many years.


----------



## Satya

Kwood, 

You're going to have to be a pillar for your son. He's going to model much of his behavior after you. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Would you want your dad being an emo sack of jello around his ex or would you want your dad to be a confident, fun guy that takes his lumps, owns his sh1t, laughs criticism off, and gets on with his life?

This is tough, I get it. But it's only going to stay tough if you keep those progress doors firmly shut. Kick them open and launch yourself through.


----------



## kwood

Thank you all for your help my son went to yhe doctor friday
she gave him somthing to help with depression and some orther
problems he is having and said that he needs to stay in therpy.
Witch he will. He dose not want his mom to no about the problems
he is having. She would not do anyting to help him anyways she has
known that he has had emotional problems for a while and has offerd
no help..she has even went as far as telling him all the promblems in our
house was his fault, after i cought her the second time he came to me and said he 
was having promblems and needed help. I went and took her off and told her he needs help
she ran upstairs and got in his face and screamed that he needs to just get over it and would not
do anything to help him. I took him to therpy buy my self... I dont mean to ramble on here but it seems to help
to post things that were done. And writing it seems to help me belive that iam better off with out her in my life but it also makes me understand how dumb i was.


----------



## azteca1986

kwood said:


> she ran upstairs and got in his face and screamed that he needs to just get over it and would not
> do anything to help him.


What a fvcking piece of work she was.


> And writing it seems to help me belive that iam better off with out her in my life but it also makes me understand how dumb i was.


Listen, kwood. Everybody's lives are littered with; things I should have done, things I shouldn't have done, things I should have said, things I shouldn't have said. Everybody. It's been and gone and there's nothing to be gained by beating yourself over the past.

Unless you've been placed in that position, it's hard to comprehend how someone you love can blame shift like this. This is why it's called *betrayal*. A cheating spouse takes inside knowledge and then uses that knowledge against their betrayed spouse. And in this case their own children. They use the fact that you really want to believe them against you.

The important thing today is that you have your boy in therapy and are giving him all the love and care he needs. That's all.


----------



## morituri

kwood said:


> Thank you all for your help my son went to yhe doctor friday
> she gave him somthing to help with depression and some orther
> problems he is having and said that he needs to stay in therpy.
> Witch he will. He dose not want his mom to no about the problems
> he is having. She would not do anyting to help him anyways she has
> known that he has had emotional problems for a while and has offerd
> no help..she has even went as far as telling him all the promblems in our
> house was his fault, after i cought her the second time he came to me and said he
> was having promblems and needed help. I went and took her off and told her he needs help
> she ran upstairs and got in his face and screamed that he needs to just get over it and would not
> do anything to help him. I took him to therpy buy my self... I dont mean to ramble on here but it seems to help
> to post things that were done. And writing it seems to help me belive that iam better off with out her in my life but it also makes me understand how dumb i was.


OMG! *THAT IS CHILD ABUSE!!!!*

File a report against her to child welfare services and go file an RO (restraining order) as well. She is a dangerous nut case who should not be allowed around your child. Don't sit on your @$$, *DO IT!*


----------



## Lostinthought61

Shame on you Kwood...how can any father in his right mind have ANYTHING to do with a woman (i would not even call her a mother) that would damage a child...the poster above is right...this is mental child abuse and i would instill a RO on her, not to see or approach your son. And shame on you for not stepping up to the plate sooner...your broken heart should ALWAYs take back burner to a broken child...get mad, and take care of your son. I am shock that you are not screaming at her for the pain and suffering on your son...she is scum and treat as such.


----------



## kwood

I should have taken a stand a long time ago this all started 7 years ago and i should have kicked her out 
after the first time or at least after i saw she was not going to change.. I kept belving she would change.
I cant change what i did or did not do in the past. All i can do is try my best to be a great dad to him now.
We are living togather and are doing fine. I regret a lot of things i did when it comes to him and my family.
He is getting the help he needs . I just wish she would wake up and understand what having a affair dose
to the kids. I paid attetion to me and how i was hurtng all 3 times and never paid attetion to how this has hurt him. But i will say when he did come to me and say he was having trouble with all this i did get him into 
therpy.this was back in 2010 after the 2nd time and i have hime in therpy now. She knows he is in therpy now and is havng problems now but she dont even call our text to see how he is doing. And your right i was not in
my right mind i loved her and wanted my family to be togather. Iam trying veary hard to do what is right for him now.


----------



## morituri

All the therapy in the world will be worthless if you allow her to abuse him.

Forget about the past, that is done. Protect your child NOW! Get an RO and report her to child welfare services NOW!


----------



## Dyokemm

"Forget about the past, that is done. Protect your child NOW! Get an RO and report her to child welfare services NOW!"

I agree with this if he is still a minor....but, sorry if I'm mistaken or confused, I got the impression from kwood that he is a young adult now.

If he is 18, be there to support him in any way and get him counseling, but getting an RO will be something he has to do for himself....but you can advise him to do so if she gets nasty again.


----------



## kwood

The thing is he is no longer a child he is 22 .but this all started when he was 15 so it has been going on for 7
years like i said i cought her in 2008/2010/2015, he is still living at home because he is going to collage i let it drag out over all this time ...noe he has trust issuse.


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## azteca1986

kwood said:


> The thing is he is no longer a child he is 22 .but this all started when he was 15 so it has been going on for 7
> years like i said i cought her in 2008/2010/2015, he is still living at home because he is going to collage i let it drag out over all this time ...noe he has trust issuse.


He had his world shattered at 15. and again. And again.

There's no timetable he has to live by. Keep in therapy and let him get the help he sorely needs.

Let the past go. Let your ex wife go. Live in the NOW. Don't beat yourself up fella. We're not equipped to deal with the women we love turning on us and betraying both us and our children. So cut yourself some slack.



Xenote said:


> Shame on you Kwood...how can any father...


Less of this please mate. Let's help kwood and his son get from where they are now, to some place better, no?


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## turnera

k, just be strong for him now. Let him see YOU improving. He's seen you divorce her. That's a great first step. He needed to see that, so he can know that HE can divorce a woman who treats him bad (and he will probably pick that kind of woman the first time). Let him see you getting therapy and becoming stronger, so he will do the same.


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## kwood

Iam sorry but i just need to vent my son just showed me were his mother is going to take her band members
and the jet ski that i bought her up to the camper that i bought .and they are going to jam with her boy friend
and go out on the lake. Now my problem is this is what we did as a family. We went camping boating at the lake how can she go up their and not think of us or even our sonwho loved it up their.she has no regurd for us at all. I no its now her camper and she has the right to use it but it was what she did with her family how can it not bother her anymore that she no longer has a family. Like i have said in orther post her son is veary torn up over what she has done . She is more worried about jaming with her band and her boyfriend then helping our son .how about this she forgets about her dam band and maybe ask our son if he would like to go 
to the lake and spend a weekend with her . He would probley say hell no but at least it would show that she cared and was trying to rebuild with him.


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## morituri

One more reason why you should just *let her go*. This is who she is now, and probably the way she has always been. I advise that you and your son go dark on her as humanly possible for both your well beings.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Iam sorry but i just need to vent my son just showed me were his mother is going to take her band members
> and the jet ski that i bought her up to the camper that i bought .and they are going to jam with her boy friend
> and go out on the lake. Now my problem is this is what we did as a family. We went camping boating at the lake how can she go up their and not think of us or even our sonwho loved it up their.she has no regurd for us at all. I no its now her camper and she has the right to use it but it was what she did with her family how can it not bother her anymore that she no longer has a family. Like i have said in orther post her son is veary torn up over what she has done . She is more worried about jaming with her band and her boyfriend then helping our son .how about this she forgets about her dam band and maybe ask our son if he would like to go
> to the lake and spend a weekend with her . He would probley say hell no but at least it would show that she cared and was trying to rebuild with him.


She's doing nothing more than latching onto the last bit of relative normalcy that she has in her life i.e. her band, her boyfriend, etc.

BUT WHO CARES?!?

Dude, you're trying to apply sense and reason where there's nothing but *CRAZY*. Stop trying to figure her out and go on w/ your life w/o her.


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## turnera

You're divorced, aren't you? 

Your assets are divided. Either she legally has access to it or not. If she does, then it's none of your business what she does with stuff she has legal access to. 

And, no offense, but one of the reasons your son is having these issues is because you have SHOWED him how to wring his hands over what other people do 'to' him.


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## 3putt

turnera said:


> *And, no offense, but one of the reasons your son is having these issues is because you have SHOWED him how to wring his hands over what other people do 'to' him.*


Too much truth in this. Time to man up and lead by example for your son's sake. You might even start to feel better about yourself along the way.


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## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> Iam sorry but i just need to vent *my son just showed me were his mother is going to take her band members
> and the jet ski that i bought her up to the camper that i bought .and they are going to jam with her boy friend
> and go out on the lake.* Now my problem is this is what we did as a family. We went camping boating at the lake *how can she go up their and not think of us or even our sonwho loved it up their.she has no regurd for us at all.* I no its now her camper and she has the right to use it but it was what she did with her family *how can it not bother her anymore that she no longer has a family.* Like i have said in orther post her son is veary torn up over what she has done . She is more worried about jaming with her band and her boyfriend then helping our son .how about this she forgets about her dam band and maybe ask our son if he would like to go
> to the lake and spend a weekend with her . He would probley say hell no but at least it would show that she cared and was trying to rebuild with him.


For crying out loud, kwood. Grow up already.

How can she do these things? Easy, she loves her boy friend more than she loves her family, she's not a nice person, she's selfish, she has very little integrity, she's cold-hearted, and on and on. Are you beginning to get it?

Next time she does something like this, think of the picture below.










And try to remember: she's the scorpion, you (and your family) are the frog.


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## bandit.45

If the jet ski and camper were divided to her and she got them ....they're hers. You have no say. If they are yours and you did not give her permission to take them, call the police and report them stolen.


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## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> Iam sorry but i just need to vent my son just showed me were his mother is going to take her band members and the jet ski that i bought her up to the camper that i bought .and they are going to jam with her boy friend and go out on the lake. Now my problem is this is what we did as a family. We went camping boating at the lake how can she go up their and not think of us or even our son who loved it up their. she has no regurd for us at all. I no its now her camper and she has the right to use it but it was what she did with her family how can it not bother her anymore that she no longer has a family. Like i have said in orther post her son is veary torn up over what she has done . She is more worried about jaming with her band and her boyfriend then helping our son .how about this she forgets about her dam band and maybe ask our son if he would like to go to the lake and spend a weekend with her . He would probley say hell no but at least it would show that she cared and was trying to rebuild with him.



Kwood
People on this thread have given you very good advice for a long time. You have chosen to ignore the good advice and you refuse to do what will get you going in the right direction for you and your son. If you continue to focus on your ex-wife you will become a pathetic loser. You have been told time and time again to stop all contact with your wife and stop allowing yourself or anyone else to bring you information about her and her boyfriend. You cannot control her one bit and it does you no good, in fact it does you harm, to allow her into to your life and mind. *You can stop that trend if you want.*

I would not doubt that some of the posters are going to get tired of you saying “You are right” and then not follow the advice given to you. If YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HELP YOURSELF THEN WE CANNOT HELP YOU AT ALL.

Kwood, do you realize how you come here crying for help then ignore the help you have been given? I am just going to list a few of the posts that you have either totally ignored or just given lip service:


By Blunt
At this point she is totally hopeless. 

Kwood, you have to drop all communication with her and stop your mind from thinking about her and your hurt. I know that is real hard but she is a cancer to your soul and you need to move on for yourself and your children!


*BY Alte Dame 5-8-201*5
Keep your eyes on the prize: Your children and the value that you place on them and your own life. Force yourself to focus just on those things. The hold she has had on your heart will loosen. It is mind over matter. Stay strong.

By Blunt
Kwood do everything that you can to build yourself up so that you keep your self-respect



*By Harry Brown*
But you and your boys will be so much better off with her out of your life. 
Time for you to move on, and do not be "a nice guy", when dealing with your stbx.
Keep up the 180 and stay away from poison. Poison is not good for you and your stbx is poison for you.



*By Chas 5-29-2015*
So, like the others here are saying, it's time for you to let go of the past and concentrate on your future.



By Kwood
ok iam weak I get that but is it wrong to wonder
why she did what she did.

By Blunt
Yes it is wrong because in your case it is wasting a lot of time that takes away from you concentrating on improving yourself more. You focusing on her is you avoiding the real issue that will start to get you a lot better
You should only be concentrating on you getting a much better self-image so that you do not allow people to use you like a door mat. 

*By bandit*
After the divorce is final you need to go completely and utterly dark.

By Blunt
Kwood, if you do not get the right help and start building upon what she has torn down, with you allowing that, and then there is no hope for you. You will just become a crying, weak, pitiful man that some other woman or person will walk all over again


*By Honcho*
Cut her out of your life, take the next year to rebuild yourself.


*By Bandit*
You bring this pain on yourself.


*By Old wolf57*
It's time for you to really go to work on you for no one else BUT you.


*By Dyokemm*
You are your own worst enemy kwood.


*By Turnera*
Let him see you getting therapy and becoming stronger, so he will do the same.
And, no offense, but one of the reasons your son is having these issues is because you have SHOWED him how to wring his hands over what other people do 'to' him.


*Kwood, either shyt or get off the pot!*


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## Pkwanderer

You are wasting your time. You are still in love with her, she is not. Look forward not back. Make your own life and live in the present not in the past. What's in the present is that you have your own life to live and enjoy, so stop looking at her, make her look at you by having a positive outlook and women are attracted to confidence, so have fun.


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## happyman64

kwood

Do yourself a favor.

Start a new tradition with your boys. Go somewhere new just the three of you.

Have fun.

It will be the best therapy you could ever get.

Last item, on July 24th anything in your home that reminds you of your Ex just take it out back and burn it.

Your marriage is dead. And your Ex should be dead to you as well.

She has issues. Issues you cannot fix. Issues that still affect you and your boys.

So cut her out of your lives now.

In time you need to find a real woman. But first you and your boys need to heal a little.

Now get to it.

HM


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## kwood

I would like to say iam veary sorry to all the people on here that has tried to help me and it seems like I did not listen or want your 
help. I do want your help and iam vear greatfull for it. I just wanted my marriage so badly and wanted my family to be togather so
badly that I was willing to let her cheat on my and I would just act like I did not no what was going on. iam learng through therpy 
through you guys that this is not all my fault what she did. my therpyist said that I could not win because the x she said that I did 
not show her affection and how was I going to do that knowing she was still talking to the orther man. how do you love somebody 
when they have cheated on you. iam trying hard to forget things me and her used to do and try new things and move forward.she 
has proven to me that she has no love for me and has not for a long time. but she seems to have turned her back on our kids like
they don't mean anything to her.with my oldest son she says he wont talk to her or want anything to do with her .she never says
to him what can I do to help you get better .its all about her and what she wants. she said she busted her ass for our family for
years and we was not happy with anything she did.. I busted my ass working to jobs trying to take care of my family .iam sorry she had to work 35 hrs ac week and clean house while I worked 65 hrs a week. I worked hard my self. and iam a good man and I 
belive she needs help. thank you all for your help


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## kwood

iam not sure why my post is spaced the way it is iam not sure what I did wrong .iam sorry


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## GusPolinski

@kwood, how often would you estimate that you say "I'm sorry" within the span of any given day?

Honestly, I think that's a HUGE part of your problem.


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## bandit.45

QUIT SAYING YOUR SORRY!

Grab life by the balls and make it work for you!


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## manfromlamancha

In fact, start saying I am not sorry - a few times a day!


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## kwood

well I was driving home from work last night and guess who text me my x wife. the text read this iam having a hard time with this each day gets harder and harder and iam dranking more and more and you probably don't care. now what dose she want me to do about it? iam having a hard time my self but iam moving on. dose she want me to feel sorry for or what .the bad thing is I just read the text and just laugh about it. but it kinda made me feel good that after all the hurt she has caused our family she is hurting her self. I almost responded you should text your boyfriend your not my problem any more but I did not. things between her and him must not be all that good for her to text me.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> well I was driving home from work last night and guess who text me my x wife. the text read this iam having a hard time with this each day gets harder and harder and iam dranking more and more and you probably don't care. now what dose she want me to do about it? iam having a hard time my self but iam moving on. dose she want me to feel sorry for or what .the bad thing is I just read the text and just laugh about it. but it kinda made me feel good that after all the hurt she has caused our family she is hurting her self. I almost responded you should text your boyfriend your not my problem any more but I did not. things between her and him must not be all that good for her to text me.


Delete the text. Don't respond.


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## happyman64

I would respond.

"Please ask your BF the drummer to find you a good therapist and pay for it. You need one and our children would certainly benefit from you getting professional counseling."


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## bandit.45

She was drunk when she sent you that text. Ignore and think nothing of it. She has probably forgotten about it.


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## kwood

after her text on Monday night I get a text from her wanting to no if I wanted her to put mine and my sons name on a wedding gift for my nephew that she had bought for him. and then she was telling me how iam still part of the family . every time I start to do better she text me.then later she text me saying their is a lot of thing going on in her life that I don't no about... WHO CARES ANYMORE I DONT. like I said before she says every day gets harder and harder. and she is drinking more. again like I said who cares. I would block her on my phone but I really cant because of my youngest son who is in treatment. witch he just turned 18 and gets on the 31 . talking with him on sunday he say he never has liked his mother and wants nothing to do with. this is the son we adopted when he was 7. he came from a very bad home life and a bad mother that he could not trust. and now my x has done what she has done how will he ever trust women? I will put him in therpy with my orther son .and hope and pray the three of us can be a happy family and be happy.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> after her text on Monday night I get a text from her wanting to no if I wanted her to put mine and my sons name on a wedding gift for my nephew that she had bought for him. and then she was telling me how iam still part of the family . every time I start to do better she text me.then later she text me saying their is a lot of thing going on in her life that I don't no about... WHO CARES ANYMORE I DONT. like I said before she says every day gets harder and harder. and she is drinking more. again like I said who cares. I would block her on my phone but I really cant because of my youngest son who is in treatment. witch he just turned 18 and gets on the 31 . talking with him on sunday he say he never has liked his mother and wants nothing to do with. this is the son we adopted when he was 7. he came from a very bad home life and a bad mother that he could not trust. and now my x has done what she has done how will he ever trust women? I will put him in therpy with my orther son .and hope and pray the three of us can be a happy family and be happy.


Your youngest child is 18, which means that he's of legal age and is considered an adult. Therefore, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for you to speak w/ your ex directly... unless you just want do, which seems to be the case. (Seriously, be honest.)

Block her number. Let her call or text her children directly if she wants to speak w/ them. If they don't want to speak w/ her, then hey... they're of legal age and they don't have to communicate w/ her at all if they so choose.


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## kwood

he just turned 18n this past Saturday. and until he gets out of his treatment place we still have to have contact but like I said he gets out on the 31. and also I said she text me I did not text her.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> he just turned 18n this past Saturday. and until he gets out of his treatment place we still have to have contact but like I said he gets out on the 31.


Again, let her speak w/ either your son or the treatment center directly.



kwood said:


> and also I said she text me I did not text her.


If you block her number she won't be able to text you at all.

Or, rather, you won't receive them.


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## bandit.45

Or, you can simply ignore what she tells you about her life and drinking and stick to business. Just say* "Thank you for the update on our son and his situation." * That's it. Don't even mention her issues or problems. After a while she will get the message that you don't give a sh!t about her issues and she will stop sharing them. 

Teach her how to treat you.


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## giddiot

Not saying your sorry all the time is extremely hard to stop when you have been doing it for a lifetime, I had the same issue. You just have to think about it everytime you are going to say it and not say it even when it might be appropriate. Just take the word out of your vocabulary. You will have the feeling of needing to apologize but you don't have to act on it.


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## Suspecting2014

Best thing to do is not text back about anything but kids, finace and divorce matters, as you being doing. If she ever ask you about the texts tell her that you just read ones related to kids and finance divorce, then ask your self WTF did you spoke to her in the first place.

Next move must be block her phone number and give your sons a movile. Let her know, by email, that if she wants to talk to you to send you an email. Ask her to not send personal stuff as you are not even friends.

"not your circus not your monkey"

She is telling you how hard her life is while she is spending the weekends with her boyfriend at the lake at your camp with your jetsky. It means that loverboy is not going to commit to her ever and she is trying to keep her plan B until a startegy to get loverboy into a seious relation!

I know is hard but try to not read her texts, teñll your kids to let yoiu know if they need something to avoid doing it trougt her.


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## kwood

My youngest son got to come home for his first home visit from his treatment center saturday.she picked him up at 8 am and was to drop him off at my house at 3. She droped him off i walked out to greet him and she got out of her truck. My youngest son went over to talk to his older bother .the x came over and said its sad we are not a family. She went on to say that she would love to date me and try to be a family again but she has such a wall up with me she dont no if she could do it. I said what about what she did and her replay was it was just a slip up. She had three slip ups i had to remind her. But to hear her tell it i must have been the worst husband god ever put on this earth .i just did not make her feel loved and wanted .but how she made me feel dose not matter. She went over to my older son who lives with me and tried to talk to him. He did not want to talk to her .she said they needed to start doing things togather . I told her he is really having a hard time with her and he is having prombles with all this .she knows he is in therpy. I said iam doing everthing i can to help him. She said me and her have done all we can he has to do it himself. I dont no what the hell she has done to help him. Any way she pissed me off and i just told her to get the hell out of their. I swear i think she is a nut case.


----------



## turnera

It's amazing how time away from her can open your eyes to the truth, huh?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Xenote said:


> Shame on you Kwood...how can any father in his right mind have ANYTHING to do with a woman (i would not even call her a mother) that would damage a child...the poster above is right...this is mental child abuse and i would instill a RO on her, not to see or approach your son. And shame on you for not stepping up to the plate sooner...your broken heart should ALWAYs take back burner to a broken child...*get mad, and take care of your son. I am shock that you are not screaming at her for the pain and suffering on your son...she is scum and treat as such*.


:iagree::iagree:


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## bandit.45

You should have just stood there and listened to her with a smile on your face and said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but until you end your affair, there is no hope for any reconciliation. Have a good day."

Then you should have just turned around and headed back to the house. Instead, you stood there and engaged her, then that opened up the opportunity for her to shoot barbs at you. Of course you were an awful husband! That is the way she has rewritten the history of your marriage. She will not accept responsibility for what she did. 

Next time she drops him off you should not even go outside. He can walk from the car into the house. He's not a toddler. 

You got in that mess because you wanted to.


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## Dyokemm

"You got in that mess because you wanted to."

I agree.

I think kwood keeps engaging her because he is STILL hoping to see some sign from her that he could reconcile with her.

To his credit, he does seem to have learned and internalized that when she keeps blameshifting to him, it means that there is no chance for R.

But he can't seem to stop himself from constantly 'checking in' with her through these interactions to see if maybe, just MAYBE, she can give him a glimmer of real remorse so he can jump back in to try and save the M one more time.

kwood,

Stop these interactions...they are nothing but pain for both you AND your eldest son.


----------



## kwood

I think you are right instead of my post being called three times. I should have called it how many times. How many times would I be dumb enough to go back to her. I guess I wish she would change and be the person I thought I married.but that is not going to happen.this is the true person a lier and cheat that blames everyone else for what she did.she has said that her drummer friend dumped her and she might want to rebuild with me. I not a plan b and as much as a part of me would love to have my old life back I can't be second best to my wife. I think I would rather just live alone and have some pride.. I really don't think there are many men out there who would keep a woman who had a affair on and off for 7 years. And I won't either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

kwood, so you know, I am REALLY proud that you divorced and moved on. You will find that the more time and distance you give yourself, the easier it will be to stop being sucked in. Especially since you'll be filling your days dealing with non-toxic people and seeing that most people don't use and abuse you.


----------



## GusPolinski

bandit.45 said:


> *You should have just stood there and listened to her with a smile on your face and said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but until you end your affair, there is no hope for any reconciliation. Have a good day."*
> 
> Then you should have just turned around and headed back to the house. Instead, you stood there and engaged her, then that opened up the opportunity for her to shoot barbs at you. Of course you were an awful husband! That is the way she has rewritten the history of your marriage. She will not accept responsibility for what she did.
> 
> Next time she drops him off you should not even go outside. He can walk from the car into the house. He's not a toddler.
> 
> You got in that mess because you wanted to.


Eh... I'd leave out everything but "Have a good day." Anything beyond that qualifies as engaging her.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I think you are right instead of my post being called three times. I should have called it how many times. How many times would I be dumb enough to go back to her. I guess I wish she would change and be the person I thought I married.but that is not going to happen.this is the true person a lier and cheat that blames everyone else for what she did.she has said that her drummer friend dumped her and she might want to rebuild with me. I not a plan b and as much as a part of me would love to have my old life back I can't be second best to my wife. I think I would rather just live alone and have some pride.. I really don't think there are many men out there who would keep a woman who had a affair on and off for 7 years. And I won't either.


----------



## kwood

I just thought i would repost so you all can remind me how dumb iam . I was doing good with leaving her alone . Me and my son went camping the end of july she heard we were going through face book and showed up at the same camp ground..which took guts i think she wanted to talk so i did a little and it was the same thing what we did wrong and how she hates her life now .she seemed to have changed a little she pretty much said the orther man was out of her life. So me and my son started to open up to her she came down for dinner and things seemed to b going ok . She was at my house evey night last week. And she even said she was praying for us to work things out. Then this past weekend i find out she stayed with the o/m .when i said someting to her about it she said she dont have to tell me were she is going. Witch is true but she lied to me again and tried to make a fool out of me. I belive she thought i would not find out and she could have her cake and eat it to. This really hurt she would do us like this but it just the way she is . She now admits that she is still hooked up with the orther man. My son told her the orther night that if she stayed with him they would never have a relationship and that did not seem to bother her she just told him she did not no what to say . I think we will learn our lesson this time .iam a little slow.


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## turnera

kwood, I have a job for you.

Go to this website, sign your son and you up for the next retreat, and make a VERY PRODUCTIVE vacation for both of you, one that will change your lives:
BetterMen Retreats | Depression Retreats for Men in California


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## badmemory

kwood said:


> So *me* and my son started to open up to her.
> 
> She was at my house evey night last week.
> 
> This really hurt she would do us like this


:slap:


----------



## bandit.45

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, knowing that it has never worked.... but doing it again and again anyways, hoping for a different outcome.


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## Lostinthought61

I swear Kwood your like a broken record, playing the same song over and over again thinking you will get a new tune....get it through your head

SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE HER TUNE....SHE IS A SERIAL CHEATER.....

It is so frustrating hearing that you think she will change.....Have you officially got the message?


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## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> I just thought i would repost so you all can remind me how dumb iam . I was doing good with leaving her alone . Me and my son went camping the end of july she heard we were going through face book and showed up at the same camp ground..which took guts i think she wanted to talk so i did a little and it was the same thing what we did wrong and how she hates her life now .she seemed to have changed a little she pretty much said the orther man was out of her life. So me and my son started to open up to her she came down for dinner and things seemed to b going ok . She was at my house evey night last week. And she even said she was praying for us to work things out. Then this past weekend i find out she stayed with the o/m .when i said someting to her about it she said she dont have to tell me were she is going. Witch is true but she lied to me again and tried to make a fool out of me. I belive she thought i would not find out and she could have her cake and eat it to. This really hurt she would do us like this but it just the way she is . She now admits that she is still hooked up with the orther man. My son told her the orther night that if she stayed with him they would never have a relationship and that did not seem to bother her she just told him she did not no what to say . I think we will learn our lesson this time .iam a little slow.


kwood,

You aren't dumb but you are gullible. Not to worry, most decent people are because they tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. But when someone burns you over and over, you need to learn not to trust them.

Maybe it would help if you printed out the scorpion-and-frog cartoon I sent you in my post #506 and taped it on your refrigerator to remind you of the kind of person she is.


----------



## Dyokemm

" I think we will learn our lesson this time .iam a little slow."

kwood,

I know you are getting 2x4's like crazy right now from other posters here.

But its because you have posted a variation of the above statement almost as many times as your XWW has tried to suck you back into the M only to have you find out she is still this POSOM's groupie.

Stop engaging her!!


----------



## G.J.

kwood said:


> I just thought i would repost so you all can remind me how dumb iam . I was doing good with leaving her alone . Me and my son went camping the end of july she heard we were going through face book and showed up at the same camp ground..which took guts i think she wanted to talk so i did a little and it was the same thing what we did wrong and how she hates her life now .she seemed to have changed a little she pretty much said the orther man was out of her life. So me and my son started to open up to her she came down for dinner and things seemed to b going ok . She was at my house evey night last week. And she even said she was praying for us to work things out. Then this past weekend i find out she stayed with the o/m .when i said someting to her about it she said she dont have to tell me were she is going. Witch is true but she lied to me again and tried to make a fool out of me. I belive she thought i would not find out and she could have her cake and eat it to. This really hurt she would do us like this but it just the way she is . She now admits that she is still hooked up with the orther man. My son told her the orther night that if she stayed with him they would never have a relationship and that did not seem to bother her she just told him she did not no what to say . I think we will learn our lesson this time .iam a little slow.


Kwood you are a really good guy who wants the best BUT you have to make a stand if not for you then for your sons view on how to live a life


----------



## turnera

G.J. said:


> Kwood you are a really good guy who wants the best BUT you have to make a stand if not for you* then for your sons view on how to live a life*


THIS is the reason I suggested that you take your son on the retreat I linked you to. 

YOU did not give him great guidance and examples on how to be a strong, secure man. Going to that retreat could fill in the blanks that you failed to provide him.

Actually, since your youngest is in treatment therapy - I assume for drugs? - HE probably would benefit greatly from it, maybe moreso than the other two of you. Find the money. Go.


----------



## happyman64

Kwood

Lesson learned.

Now get her out of your life permanently.

SHe is a user.

HM


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I just thought i would repost so you all can remind me how dumb iam . I was doing good with leaving her alone . Me and my son went camping the end of july she heard we were going through face book and showed up at the same camp ground..which took guts i think she wanted to talk so i did a little and it was the same thing what we did wrong and how she hates her life now .she seemed to have changed a little she pretty much said the orther man was out of her life. So me and my son started to open up to her she came down for dinner and things seemed to b going ok . She was at my house evey night last week. And she even said she was praying for us to work things out. Then this past weekend i find out she stayed with the o/m .when i said someting to her about it she said she dont have to tell me were she is going. Witch is true but she lied to me again and tried to make a fool out of me. I belive she thought i would not find out and she could have her cake and eat it to. This really hurt she would do us like this but it just the way she is . She now admits that she is still hooked up with the orther man. My son told her the orther night that if she stayed with him they would never have a relationship and that did not seem to bother her she just told him she did not no what to say . I think we will learn our lesson this time .iam a little slow.


Good grief.

Well, I guess it's a good thing that she f*cked up, otherwise she'd still have you eating out of her bu... er... _hand_.

Cut this worthless b*tch the f*ck out of your life already.

Geez.


----------



## bandit.45

Your wife has a great big hole right through the middle of her.




She can never cheat enough, or lie enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.


----------



## Decorum

Turnera is right, you cannot keep letting her make a chump out of you. Humiliating, using and objectifying you. How do you want to be remembered, if your son is able to break free of the obvious FOO issues he has inherited, he will love you but to himself think, "my dad was a weak man who did not respect himself enough to stand up for himself".
He will not have an inspiring example from you only an archetype to avoid.

Honestly after everything she has done to you to sucker you in like this again means she is nothing but a toxic poison, surely you know she will always be like this, she always has been.


----------



## alte Dame

You aren't dumb. Your heart just wants what it wants. She doesn't want the same thing, though, so you are going to have to live with your broken heart and let it slowly heal. That means doing your best not to fall for this any more.

She will wind up an old woman chasing after men who no longer are interested. You will wind up an older man who has a clear conscience and a son who loves him.

You don't feel it now, but you are the winner here.


----------



## eastsouth2000

As I suggest to all men who where betrayed. Seek another woman be it a fling a girlfriend or whatever.

You don't have to marry the next girl you meet.

See you not complete over one woman or relationship if your not seeking other women.

If you have another girl you wouldn't be so preoccupied with her.

There are lots of women out there who would date you. even at your age.

get out there dude!


----------



## Satya

Stop posting your life on social media. 

Ban her from FB if you must keep the account. 

Stop leaving convenient holes for her to weasel her way back in. 

You're obviously not experienced with a compulsive liar. Now you're learning what letting your guard down does.


----------



## kwood

I have not posted on here for a while but i thought i would give a update. My ex wife has done all kind of strange things. She has asked me out on a date she came over the other day while i was at work and did some landscaping in my yard. She seems to want to come around all the time. I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.when i went out with her on a few dates they went really well. She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her. I no people on here are going to bash me .but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild. Is she just running back to me as plan b. When we are togather thing go good .but is it fake . My mind is really messed up and i could use some help. I want to rebuild and be happy i just dont want to be hurt again. Iam not dumb and i feel in my hear that iam plan b. But then i wonder what if she has changed and she wants to see if we can rebuild .and i mess that up. I have messed so many things up as it is i dont want to keep doing it. I no i did a lot to mess my marriage up but i dont feel i should have been cheated on and lied to ,witch she still might be doing


----------



## turnera

Of course it is plan b.

Tell her you will see her - ONCE A MONTH. 

No more. If, at the end of a year, she is still trying to date you, then she may be for real. 

I suspect she'll be done with you by November.


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## badmemory

How many times do you have to hear it Kwood?

You don't need any more advice; just re-read your thread. 

You really need to get into counseling for your co-dependence.


----------



## Truthseeker1

kwood said:


> I have not posted on here for a while but i thought i would give a update. My ex wife has done all kind of strange things. She has asked me out on a date she came over the other day while i was at work and did some landscaping in my yard. She seems to want to come around all the time. I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.when i went out with her on a few dates they went really well. She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her. I no people on here are going to bash me .but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild. Is she just running back to me as plan b. When we are togather thing go good .but is it fake . My mind is really messed up and i could use some help. I want to rebuild and be happy i just dont want to be hurt again. Iam not dumb and i feel in my hear that iam plan b. But then i wonder what if she has changed and she wants to see if we can rebuild .and i mess that up. I have messed so many things up as it is i dont want to keep doing it. I no i did a lot to mess my marriage up but i dont feel i should have been cheated on and lied to ,witch she still might be doing


He dumped her then she comes back to you? Something smells rotten here - i don't think its remorse as much as not wanting to be alone. Believe nothing that comes out of her mouth - I'd keep your distance from her - remember what she did to you once - do you want to stake a future on someone like that? I know it feels good but it feels good the way eating junk food does - fun for awhile but you will pay for it later on - that is what this relationship is now - junk food.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I have not posted on here for a while but i thought i would give a update. My ex wife has done all kind of strange things. She has asked me out on a date she came over the other day while i was at work and did some landscaping in my yard. She seems to want to come around all the time. I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.when i went out with her on a few dates they went really well. She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her. I no people on here are going to bash me .but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild. Is she just running back to me as plan b. When we are togather thing go good .but is it fake . My mind is really messed up and i could use some help. I want to rebuild and be happy i just dont want to be hurt again. Iam not dumb and i feel in my hear that iam plan b. But then i wonder what if she has changed and she wants to see if we can rebuild .and i mess that up. I have messed so many things up as it is i dont want to keep doing it. I no i did a lot to mess my marriage up but i dont feel i should have been cheated on and lied to ,witch she still might be doing


J. F. C.

I guess the 4th time will be the charm...


----------



## G.J.

Ask some one to tell you the 'bear in the woods' joke

It really sums it up kwood


----------



## LongWalk

You are plan A but she will always turn to plan B, one of the boys in the band. She has to play with them.


----------



## happy as a clam

Please. Do. Not. Do. This.

Steer clear of her. Go back and read this entire thread. Then you will understand that:

A) yes, you are her plan B
B) no, you are not ruining a possible opportunity
C) she WILL cheat on you again given the opportunity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> I have not posted on here for a while but i thought i would give a update. My ex wife has done all kind of strange things. She has asked me out on a date she came over the other day while i was at work and did some landscaping in my yard. She seems to want to come around all the time. I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.when i went out with her on a few dates they went really well. She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her. I no people on here are going to bash me .but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild. Is she just running back to me as plan b. When we are togather thing go good .but is it fake . My mind is really messed up and i could use some help. I want to rebuild and be happy i just dont want to be hurt again. Iam not dumb and i feel in my hear that iam plan b. But then i wonder what if she has changed and she wants to see if we can rebuild .and i mess that up. I have messed so many things up as it is i dont want to keep doing it. I no i did a lot to mess my marriage up but i dont feel i should have been cheated on and lied to ,witch she still might be doing


What do you think you will rebuild? A happy marriage that never existed. You are a stop gap between affairs of her. She misses you providing a roof over her head and paying the bills. 

One of these times one of her affair partners will be foolish enough to keep her around and it's not going to bother her in the least bit to dump you again. Do you really equate this with happiness?

She hasn't changed and you know it.


----------



## jim123

Kwood,

On the bright side, we already know the ending so it will be easier to respond. May I be first to say I am sorry that your WW is cheating on you. Please refer back to this post when it happens.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Kwood*
> *I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.* when i went out with her on a few dates they went really well. She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her
> 
> *but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild?*


Kwood, are you trying to play dumb? *You have proven with your own words that there is absolutely no way you can rebuild with her.* You have been advised to review your own posts so that you can plainly see that your relationship with her is doomed forever. In case you do not take the good advice of the posters that have told you to review your own post, I am reprinting just a few of your own words below:



> By Kwood
> 
> i just don't think she would do whats needed to save it and *there will never be any trust.*
> 
> *she really don't love me she has proven that*
> 
> .i would be 2nd best *their would be no trust* .and i dont think i would ever forgive her after 3 times
> 
> *she has pretty much been a hatefull person to me and our kids for the last several years.* I think it was because she hated me and wanted someone elese
> 
> she did not want me ,she did not want our family, she moved out on me ,*she hid her affair for 8 years *, she refused all my help after. i caught her a third time. she really has made it pretty clear how she feels. so their is nothing more I can do or say.


Kwood, stop playing games with the posters here at TAM! You are either playing games or you are so weak that you are pathetic. If you are weak then you can get help and get stronger if you really want. You allowing her back into your life shows how you are so weak or just plain foolish!

On this thread the TAM posters have given you a LOT of very good information and then you come back with this silly question of 

*



but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild?

Click to expand...

**Good grief Kwood, do you not see how pathetic you sound?*


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

Other posters predicted that once you divorced your WW and she became this POS's problem full time, rather than just his side piece of a**, that he would dump her fast.

POS wanted NO PART of her for a real full time relationship....he just wanted no strings sex.

POS dumped her.

And now she is running back to Plan B because she has discovered the single lifestyle for a woman her age with kids sucks....and the fantasy she thought POS was going to provide her disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The problem is, I would bet money after going back to this scumbag THREE times already, if this turd reaches out to her, she will go running back to him AGAIN.

Why sign up for that?

You never did successfully find a way to give this POS a serious pause about carrying on with your WW....when he gets bored again, he will reach out to her once more....and she can't resist the bait.

Don't go there.....your chance to repair the M with your WW passed long ago.

Maybe if you had found a way through exposure or a good, old fashioned 'conversation' to make POSOM fear continuing the A with your WW the FIRST time you caught her, you might have been able to end this A for good and saved your M.

But my sense is that you tried to 'nice' her back....it never works.

And the A continued and now has become a predictable pattern in her behavior.

Just accept this and move on.


----------



## kwood

iam not playing games with the people on t a m I think I just wanted to believe that she had or could change. I have spent a lot of time with as of late and she has not changed . she still gets mad and has fits when I talk about anything that bothers me she dose not want to hear it. I keep asking myself would she be coming around and seeing me if he answer her phone calls or emails no she would be with him . that makes me plan b. I have not heard her say iam sorry , or iam willing to do what ever I need to do to rebuild. all I get is she hates her life. but nothing about putting in the hard work to rebuild more like she wants to slide back in and do nothing to repair things. and there is my 23 year old son who is living with me while he is in school. he can not stand his mom he says she is a lying cheating ***** that cheated on her family for 8 years and then just walked out on us, and now her ass hole boyfriend don't want her she wants to come running back to us f### her. he says he has tried to repair things with her but its to late.she has done nothing to try to fix things with him she just comes around and hugs him and calls him her baby boy, then she gets mad when he wont hug her back or even look at her. I just want to get my life strightend out and be happy . iam so tired of being down and hurting inside .if it was not for my son I would not even be around anymore I hate this life. how one person can destroy their family and coast us everything and then want to come aroun like nothing happened I just don't get it. I could not live with my self had I hurt people the way she has .but of course it was not her fault she was driven to it because she was treated bad in our marriage . she takes no blame for anything its me and my son that hurt her .she is full of ****!!!!!!!!!


----------



## GusPolinski

Dude.

_She wants you to *PROVIDE* for her._

That's it.

That's all.

There's nothing else.

Period.

Is this really so hard to see?


----------



## turnera

Your son doesn't want her at his house. Honor his wishes.

Oh, and kwood, please do me a favor and start using paragraph breaks when you type. And maybe capitalize your sentences. It makes it so much easier for us to read. Thanks!


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Dude.
> 
> _She wants you to *PROVIDE* for her._
> 
> That's it.
> 
> That's all.
> 
> There's nothing else.
> 
> Period.
> 
> Is this really so hard to see?


----------



## TBT

Time to get off this soul destroying merry-go-round you've been on I think kwood. I see the pain from your writing. Want better for yourself. From what you've posted this will never be the better way for you,only for her. You need to distance yourself from her. With distance and time you can be happy again. A lot of us know because we've been there and made it through. Strength to you brother. Take care.


----------



## SadSamIAm

kwood said:


> iam not playing games with the people on t a m I think I just wanted to believe that she had or could change. I have spent a lot of time with as of late and she has not changed . she still gets mad and has fits when I talk about anything that bothers me she dose not want to hear it. I keep asking myself would she be coming around and seeing me if he answer her phone calls or emails no she would be with him . that makes me plan b. I have not heard her say iam sorry , or iam willing to do what ever I need to do to rebuild. all I get is she hates her life. but nothing about putting in the hard work to rebuild more like she wants to slide back in and do nothing to repair things. and there is my 23 year old son who is living with me while he is in school. he can not stand his mom he says she is a lying cheating ***** that cheated on her family for 8 years and then just walked out on us, and now her ass hole boyfriend don't want her she wants to come running back to us f### her. he says he has tried to repair things with her but its to late.she has done nothing to try to fix things with him she just comes around and hugs him and calls him her baby boy, then she gets mad when he wont hug her back or even look at her. I just want to get my life strightend out and be happy . iam so tired of being down and hurting inside .if it was not for my son I would not even be around anymore I hate this life. how one person can destroy their family and coast us everything and then want to come aroun like nothing happened I just don't get it. I could not live with my self had I hurt people the way she has .but of course it was not her fault she was driven to it because she was treated bad in our marriage . she takes no blame for anything its me and my son that hurt her .she is full of ****!!!!!!!!!


Don't let her do this to you! Don't let her do this to your son!

Your son is being a good role model to you. He won't hug her because she doesn't deserve it. 

You need to cut her out of your life. You need to give her what she deserves.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> I have not posted on here for a while but i thought i would give a update. My ex wife has done all kind of strange things. She has asked me out on a date she came over the other day while i was at work and did some landscaping in my yard. She seems to want to come around all the time. I have let her come around some thinking she has changed.when *i went out with her on a few dates they went really well.* She has said she misses me and when she comes around she dose not want to leave. I have asked her about her affair partner and she says she has tired to break it off with him but he wont answer her phone calls or emails .so i think he dumped her. I no people on here are going to bash me .*but i dont no what to do should i let her keep comming around to see if we could rebuild. *Is she just running back to me as plan b. When we are togather thing go good .but is it fake . My mind is really messed up and i could use some help. I want to rebuild and be happy i just dont want to be hurt again. Iam not dumb and i feel in my hear that iam plan b. But then i wonder what if she has changed and she wants to see if we can rebuild .and i mess that up. I have messed so many things up as it is i dont want to keep doing it. I no i did a lot to mess my marriage up but i dont feel i should have been cheated on and lied to ,witch she still might be doing



Are you out of your ever-loving mind? :surprise:


----------



## GusPolinski

bandit.45 said:


> Are you out of your ever-loving mind? :surprise:


It's cool, bandit. After all...



kwood said:


> Iam not dumb...


----------



## LongWalk

When she was coming round to hang out, did she cook delicious food, clean up around the house, walk the dog? Offer no strings attached quickie sex?

I didn't think so.


----------



## bfree

Kwood, what people are really trying to say is that they know you're a good man and you deserve better. Now if only you knew that....


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> iam not playing games with the people on t a m I think I just wanted to believe that she had or could change. I have spent a lot of time with as of late and she has not changed . she still gets mad and has fits when I talk about anything that bothers me she dose not want to hear it. I keep asking myself would she be coming around and seeing me if he answer her phone calls or emails no she would be with him . that makes me plan b. I have not heard her say iam sorry , or iam willing to do what ever I need to do to rebuild. all I get is she hates her life. but nothing about putting in the hard work to rebuild more like she wants to slide back in and do nothing to repair things. and there is my 23 year old son who is living with me while he is in school. he can not stand his mom he says she is a lying cheating ***** that cheated on her family for 8 years and then just walked out on us, and now her ass hole boyfriend don't want her she wants to come running back to us f### her. he says he has tried to repair things with her but its to late.she has done nothing to try to fix things with him she just comes around and hugs him and calls him her baby boy, then she gets mad when he wont hug her back or even look at her. I just want to get my life strightend out and be happy . *iam so tired of being down and hurting inside .if it was not for my son I would not even be around anymore I hate this life.* how one person can destroy their family and coast us everything and then want to come aroun like nothing happened I just don't get it. I could not live with my self had I hurt people the way she has .but of course it was not her fault she was driven to it because she was treated bad in our marriage . she takes no blame for anything its me and my son that hurt her .she is full of ****!!!!!!!!!


Dear kwood,

It sounds like you are suffering from depression. This would explain not only your despondency but your lack of judgment about your X's intentions.

Please see a mental health counselor. You might start by asking your GP to recommend someone.


----------



## kwood

Thank you to every one i belive i am in adeep deression. I hurt so bad inside i dont understand how people hurt people and tear their lives apart. Dont they understand when you are married you have that orther person life in their hand. She has done a real good job of making me belive this is all my fault and that if i had been a better husband she would have never went outside the marriage ..i dont no what elese to say just think you all for yoyr help ... I no i must sound pretty dumb at times. She was my life for 23 years and i love her with all my heart. And would do anything for her .then you learn after all the years togather you are nothing more then a peice of **** hurts like hell.


----------



## turnera

We have told you half a dozen times already since you came here to go to a doctor for your depression.

Why won't you go?


----------



## bfree

kwood said:


> Thank you to every one i belive i am in adeep deression. I hurt so bad inside i dont understand how people hurt people and tear their lives apart. Dont they understand when you are married you have that orther person life in their hand. She has done a real good job of making me belive this is all my fault and that if i had been a better husband she would have never went outside the marriage ..i dont no what elese to say just think you all for yoyr help ... I no i must sound pretty dumb at times. She was my life for 23 years and i love her with all my heart. And would do anything for her .then you learn after all the years togather you are nothing more then a peice of **** hurts like hell.


My ex W cheated on me with multiple men. When we signed the divorce papers she said to me that if I was more of a man she wouldn't have cheated. That one statement messed me up for many years until I finally realized that I wasn't the problem. She wasn't woman enough to be in a stable relationship. I didn't have the benefit of TAM so I drifted like the tide. You on the other hand have a lot of support and tons of information. Only you can take advantage of the collective wisdom you have in front of you. It's your choice brother.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> Thank you to every one i belive i am in adeep deression. I hurt so bad inside i dont understand how people hurt people and tear their lives apart. Dont they understand when you are married you have that orther person life in their hand. She has done a real good job of making me belive this is all my fault and that if i had been a better husband she would have never went outside the marriage ..i dont no what elese to say just think you all for yoyr help ... I no i must sound pretty dumb at times. She was my life for 23 years and i love her with all my heart. And would do anything for her .then you learn after all the years togather you are nothing more then a peice of **** hurts like hell.


You will never understand why she will hurt and tear apart lives. Some people are just incapable of self reflection or seeing the error of there ways. Your spouse is one of these people, they just leave a path of destruction behind them. But the more you focus on what's her issue the less you deal with your own. 

The best answer for is "dude she's whacked". Accept that and work on yourself and try to figure why you attract crazy.


----------



## happy as a clam

kwood...

As I stated before... Please go back and read ALL of this ENTIRE thread...

ALL OF THE ANSWERS ARE ALREADY HERE, in this thread...

If you will only take the time to re-read and PROCESS it, your decision will be clear.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, MAN!!

Don't cowtow to this adulterous wench and her deplorable ploys of cooking, cleaning, and doing yard work.

YOU ARE HER MEAL TICKET AND HER SEXUAL PLAN B.

Repeat this mantra over and over to yourself:

"My wife is ONLY back in my life because her POS lover dumped her!"

(Do you really want someone else's LEFTOVERS??)

Run. Run fast. Run hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Thank you to every one i belive i am in adeep deression. I hurt so bad inside i dont understand how people hurt people and tear their lives apart. Dont they understand when you are married you have that orther person life in their hand. She has done a real good job of making me belive this is all my fault and that if i had been a better husband she would have never went outside the marriage ..i dont no what elese to say just think you all for yoyr help ... I no i must sound pretty dumb at times. She was my life for 23 years and i love her with all my heart. And would do anything for her .then you learn after all the years togather you are nothing more then a peice of **** hurts like hell.


STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.

Go see a doctor.

STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.

Start working out.

STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.

Take up a new hobby.

STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.

Go fishing or camping w/ your son... and go someplace that you've not gone before. Stay the f*ck away from whichever campground your ex has been using as a makeshift motel room.

STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.

Oh, and just in case it's not gotten through yet...

STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.


----------



## Thinkitthrough

Kwood:
All cheaters are different and yet they are all the same. No doubt, like my fWS, there was a moment of decision where your wife saw the opportunity, decided that what the POSOM was offering (sex, compliments, ego kibbles, excitement) was something she deserved to have in her life and said yes. You weren't involved in her decision. You can only own your fair share of the issues in the marriage, but it has nothing to do with you not being man enough. Her mind was on what she wanted to do, driven by her own brokenness. She, (like my wife was), is trying to avoid the enormity of what she has done. She knows, some where in her self, what she has done, and cannot face the soul shattering reality of her act. Better and easier to blame you, then to tackle her problem, face her choices, work to fix herself, repair the damage she has done and start to treat you as you deserve. The choice here is yours, are you better off without her than with her. She made her choice, now you make yours.


----------



## honcho

GusPolinski said:


> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> 
> Go see a doctor.
> 
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> 
> Start working out.
> 
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> 
> Take up a new hobby.
> 
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> 
> Go fishing or camping w/ your son... and go someplace that you've not gone before. Stay the f*ck away from whichever campground your ex has been using as a makeshift motel room.
> 
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> 
> Oh, and just in case it's not gotten through yet...
> 
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.
> STOP. TALKING. TO. YOUR. EX.


Gus may have something here....


----------



## turnera

And...FOR YOUR SON'S SAKE...

STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX.


----------



## G.J.

kwood said:


> Thank you to every one i belive i am in adeep deression. I hurt so bad inside i dont understand how people hurt people and tear their lives apart. Dont they understand when you are married you have that orther person life in their hand. She has done a real good job of making me belive this is all my fault and that if i had been a better husband she would have never went outside the marriage ..i dont no what elese to say just think you all for yoyr help ... I no i must sound pretty dumb at times. She was my life for 23 years and i love her with all my heart. And would do anything for her .then you learn after all the years togather you are nothing more then a peice of **** hurts like hell.


KWood I found the joke I mentioned earlier which I thought fitted well your situation I'm afraid

_A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. 
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. 
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate 
colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what 
he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and 
returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the 
shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. 
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is 
standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”_


----------



## bandit.45

Oh....

And if no one has mentioned it yet, you should really consider not talking to your ex anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame

You're breaking my heart, kwood. I wish I could do a mind meld to wipe her from your brain. Truly. Sometimes we are just tragically connected to someone. I'm sorry for you.

You have your son, though, and frankly, that is much more important, in my opinion.

We have all told you that nothing you did made her cheat on you. That is a weakness of hers, not a weakness of yours.

You don't have to let her come around anymore. I know it's hard, but you need to try. It will get better, even if it seems hopeless now.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Kwood*
> if it was not for my son I would not even be around anymore I hate this life.


Ok Kwood, I was a little rough on you in my last post. As many have said here you are a good man but also *DO NOT IGNORE those that have told you to do something about your depression! *You have a son and I bet you are the only one that will help that boy. I know you are hurt to the bone but this hurt is not going to last if you do the right things. Many of us have been hurt to the bone also but I can tell you that if you do the right things then you will not be bothered by this crises to any great degree. You will become wiser and that will help you in the years to come.


*Your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY is for you to get help with your depression and everything else that will make you stronger.* This betrayal and heart break by your wife is not the end of your life by any stretch. You should use your hurt to motivate you to take all the steps to get better. We here at TAM can only help you so much, you need MORE Help.

Bfree nailed when he said
“…you're a good man and you deserve better. Now if only you knew that....”
You are beaten down but so were all of us. Get the right help that you need so that you will know that you are a good man and that you can have a very good life once you get better. Millions have done it and so can you!

*
Will you tell us next week what you have done to get yourself started getting better?*


----------



## turnera

You realize, right, that you were doing MUCH better before she started reeling you back in, right? You were doing much better ALONE.


----------



## kwood

thank you all iam going to call today and make a doctor appointment. my son and I was talking last night and he said he is upset because he feels like he lost his mother. but he also said he will not let her just come running back to him .he has said as many times as she has messed us over and her lack of trying to fix the damage she has done she can go to hell. he said he dose not understand how I can want anything to do with her after all the years of lying and cheating she has done. she has coast us everything torn our family apart. he wants nothing to do with her and he dose not mind telling her what he thinks.. I wish I could be more like him I must look like a weak farther in his eyes.


----------



## OldWolf57

yes you must


----------



## jessi

K 
I think it's time you think of the continued damage to your son and start showing him that he is important and that you trust and support him, he sounds like he sees things very well......
Ending things with her and healing from her selfishness will give you both the gift of happiness and a life something you two have wasted a lot of years on, don't waste anymore, start opening yourself up to other things in life.......see what is out there besides her.
I think you will be surprised how many nice women are out there looking for a great man like you are.......
My husband also had an affair after 20 some odd years, it wasn't my fault he was entitled and selfish that's it.......
It's time for you to have a life and redirect that heart of yours to someone who deserves it.
She isn't going to change you will be doing this until the day you die........find someone who will respect you, who will love You!!
Life is to short to waste......


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> thank you all iam going to call today and make a doctor appointment. my son and I was talking last night and he said he is upset because he feels like he lost his mother. but he also said he will not let her just come running back to him .he has said as many times as she has messed us over and her lack of trying to fix the damage she has done she can go to hell. he said he dose not understand how I can want anything to do with her after all the years of lying and cheating she has done. she has coast us everything torn our family apart. he wants nothing to do with her and he dose not mind telling her what he thinks.. I wish I could be more like him I must look like a weak farther in his eyes.


Don't you see that every time you go out with your WW, engage with your WW, OR play nice with your WW you are really betraying your son? 

Why can you not stand up and be the kind of father he needs you to be? 

Fvck me!.... 

Kwood you make me want to reach through this screen and strangle you! Don't you see your desire to keep this rotten skank around as the ultimate in selfishness?


----------



## NotLikeYou

G.J. said:


> Ask some one to tell you the 'bear in the woods' joke
> 
> It really sums it up kwood


Some people who post their sorrows on TAM are beyond even the bear in the woods joke.

kwood is one such person.

Nothing anyone says is going to help him, although he may type something nice about how much he appreciates people banging their heads against the wall, offering him ways to ease the pain.

The only certainty is that after reading any part of this thread, you'll feel worse about life than before you started reading. And nothing you write in response is going to make you feel better.

So. Having made that observation, I shall now depart the thread, and find someone amenable to improving their situation with a little help from strangers on the internet who are not like them.


----------



## Marc878

kwood said:


> thank you all iam going to call today and make a doctor appointment. my son and I was talking last night and he said he is upset because he feels like he lost his mother. but he also said he will not let her just come running back to him .he has said as many times as she has messed us over and her lack of trying to fix the damage she has done she can go to hell. he said he dose not understand how I can want anything to do with her after all the years of lyiwng and cheating she has done. she has coast us everything torn our family apart. he wants nothing to do with her and he dose not mind telling her what he thinks.. I wish I could be more like him I must look like a weak farther in his eyes.


You need to have some respect for yourself. Don't you care what your kids think? You are their father. Start acting like it. Keep your xw out of your life.

She's not the biggest problem you have now. It's you!!!!!

You are ruining their lives by not moving on not to mention your own.


----------



## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> thank you all iam going to call today and make a doctor appointment. my son and I was talking last night and he said he is upset because he feels like he lost his mother. but he also said he will not let her just come running back to him .he has said as many times as she has messed us over and her lack of trying to fix the damage she has done she can go to hell. he said he dose not understand how I can want anything to do with her after all the years of lying and cheating she has done. she has coast us everything torn our family apart. he wants nothing to do with her and he dose not mind telling her what he thinks.. I wish I could be more like him I must look like a weak farther in his eyes.


Have you read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_? If not, please read it and do the exercises (I provided a link to a down-loadable verion in post #306).

If you did read it, please read it again.


----------



## aine

Your son is made of stronger mettle than you. You should have no contact with that woman at all, go completely dark, she is dead to you, gone and buried. Only then you can move on, you have to for your own sanity. 
You need to stand up tall, and be the leader and example for your kids. Get IC to help you, you can do this.


----------



## kwood

It seems some people on here dose not think that i listen to your help.that is not the case . I read and take all the advice i can. Yes i want to get better i want to move on with my life and i want to be a good farther.
My life was so wraped up in this woman that i did not want to loose her no matter what. I think just the thought of being alone and thinking my wife of 23 years did not want me who would. I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and i have went aginst whatall of you have told me and i have talked to her. The more i talk to her the more i see she has not changed and that iam plan b what i thought was a caring loving woman is looking more like a lying cheating ***** that will destory every one who gets in her way.she told me yestarday that she is looking out for her own happines she said iam thanking about me,me,me and what i want. I did not hear iam sorry i hurt you and our boys..and that we lost everthing we had because of me. She is just worried about her being happy. I also asked her that if her affair partner would respond to her phone calls or emails would she be with him. She never said a word that makes me her plan b that she might want. The hell with that game.iam sick of living this way.


----------



## CLIFFW

kwood said:


> my story starts back in2008 we were on a camping trip at a lake we go to a lot. my wife got up on sunday and said she was going to church.i did not think to muck about because she always went to church.it seemed like she was going a long time so me and my son we by the church and when we turned the corner their she was kissing a man.we new this guy we had meet him in a band that plays in bars at the lake.and she plays the drums so he would let her sit in for him when they played.after a lot of fighting we stayed to geather and things were ok not great until 2010 when I found out he had come to our home town to meet her .once againi stayed she said she stoped seeing him and wanted or marriage.things were ok still not great.then this past Thursday I looked at her cell phone and found she is still in touch with .she has a hidden email and facebook that I cant get in to.i need help my heart is broken again I have tried to save my marriage but cant seem to. please give me some advive thank you


Too much of a pattern of lying and deceit for me. Once, you can forgive. 3 times? Not me


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> It seems some people on here dose not think that i listen to your help.that is not the case . I read and take all the advice i can. Yes i want to get better i want to move on with my life and i want to be a good farther.
> My life was so wraped up in this woman that i did not want to loose her no matter what. I think just the thought of being alone and thinking my wife of 23 years did not want me who would. I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and i have went aginst whatall of you have told me and i have talked to her. The more i talk to her the more i see she has not changed and that iam plan b what i thought was a caring loving woman is looking more like a lying cheating ***** that will destory every one who gets in her way.she told me yestarday that she is looking out for her own happines she said iam thanking about me,me,me and what i want. I did not hear iam sorry i hurt you and our boys..and that we lost everthing we had because of me. She is just worried about her being happy. I also asked her that if her affair partner would respond to her phone calls or emails would she be with him. She never said a word that makes me her plan b that she might want. The hell with that game.iam sick of living this way.


Good.

NOW *STOP* TALKING TO HER.


----------



## OldWolf57

AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME TOO !!!!

Maybe, just maybe you now see what we have been telling you.

BREAK ALL CONTACT FOREVER WITH THIS WOMAN !!

Every contact with her, let her know she can still have you with a snap of her finger.

Let that snap, be her finger breaking from you not answering her calls, texts, and emails.

Your son don't need you to keep throwing this woman in his face hurting him.

You say if not for your son ??? PROVE IT !!! Get this woman out of his life !!


----------



## Satya

Kwood, seems like you found your anger when your son spoke the truth, not half of TAM telling you. It was clear you needed to hear it from someone close to you. 

Now use your anger to do the right thing and make a great life for you and your son.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
Your wife is not the only one with issues in this situation. She is seemingly certifiable but you are nearly as bad in that you are letting your emotions crucify you. From all you have posted this woman is no good, I know it, Gus, Bandit, all the posters know it, your son knows it, I even believe the UPS delivery guy knows it but you for some reason do not see it. I believe in optimism, in fact, I may be the poster boy for holding out hope but even I could not tolerate this. You must find a way to finally realize that this woman is poison to your soul. She is only interested in herself, exclusively. You seem to think that she is the only woman on Earth that would look twice at you but you are wrong. There are many women who desire an honest, caring, considerate, FAITHFUL man. You are more of a desirable commodity than you realize. Let her go and see if it not so.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

X


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> It seems some people on here dose not think that i listen to your help.that is not the case . I read and take all the advice i can. Yes i want to get better i want to move on with my life and i want to be a good farther.
> My life was so wraped up in this woman that i did not want to loose her no matter what. I think just the thought of being alone and thinking my wife of 23 years did not want me who would. I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and i have went aginst whatall of you have told me and i have talked to her. The more i talk to her the more i see she has not changed and that iam plan b what i thought was a caring loving woman is looking more like a lying cheating ***** that will destory every one who gets in her way.she told me yestarday that she is looking out for her own happines she said iam thanking about me,me,me and what i want. I did not hear iam sorry i hurt you and our boys..and that we lost everthing we had because of me. She is just worried about her being happy. I also asked her that if her affair partner would respond to her phone calls or emails would she be with him. She never said a word that makes me her plan b that she might want. The hell with that game.iam sick of living this way.


Ok, we have been here before. In a couple of weeks when your feeling lIke your missing you old life again or she starts sniffing around trying to reel you back in what will you do?


----------



## kwood

just a little update I have stoped talking to my ex and I have a hard time doing so. she wanted to keep coming around acting like we were married hugging kissing . I said no more I want change out of her and I want commitment.she would not give me either.so told me her affair partner has not returned her phone calls in 5 weeks. he lives out of town she said she may take a day and drive to his house to see whats going on with. him. I just have a hard time understanding how she thought she would continue with me and she really wanted him. if I would have let her keep comming and doing with me what she was doing and he called her she would have dumped me again. what is wrong with her I think she is nuts.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> just a little update I have stoped talking to my ex and I have a hard time doing so. she wanted to keep coming around acting like we were married hugging kissing . I said no more I want change out of her and I want commitment.she would not give me either.so told me her affair partner has not returned her phone calls in 5 weeks. he lives out of town she said she may take a day and drive to his house to see whats going on with. him. I just have a hard time understanding how she thought she would continue with me and she really wanted him. if I would have let her keep comming and doing with me what she was doing and he called her she would have dumped me again. what is wrong with her I think she is nuts.



:slap: :slap: :slap:

Someone else say it, please...


----------



## Truthseeker1

kwood said:


> just a little update I have stoped talking to my ex and I have a hard time doing so. she wanted to keep coming around acting like we were married hugging kissing . I said no more I want change out of her and I want commitment.she would not give me either.so told me her affair partner has not returned her phone calls in 5 weeks. he lives out of town she said she may take a day and drive to his house to see whats going on with. him. *I just have a hard time understanding how she thought she would continue with me and she really wanted him. if I would have let her keep comming and doing with me what she was doing and he called her she would have dumped me again. what is wrong with her I think she is nuts.*


Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm....


----------



## Dyokemm

kwood,

Stick with the NC.....that is what you need most.

Stop trying to figure out her craziness.....its an impossible task.

You are like Sisyphus in the Underworld with his boulder......stop torturing yourself.


----------



## turnera

kwood said:


> just a little update I have stoped talking to my ex and I have a hard time doing so. she wanted to keep coming around acting like we were married hugging kissing . I said no more I want change out of her and I want commitment.she would not give me either.so told me her affair partner has not returned her phone calls in 5 weeks. he lives out of town she said she may take a day and drive to his house to see whats going on with. him. I just have a hard time understanding how she thought she would continue with me and she really wanted him. if I would have let her keep comming and doing with me what she was doing and he called her she would have dumped me again. what is wrong with her I think she is nuts.


She's not nuts. She just knows you'll accept table scraps from her, so you are her go-to when she's lonely. Nice, huh?

I'm proud of you, though, for finally saying no more. I'm sure your son is, too.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> just a little update I have stoped talking to my ex and I have a hard time doing so. she wanted to keep coming around acting like we were married hugging kissing . I said no more I want change out of her and I want commitment.she would not give me either.so told me her affair partner has not returned her phone calls in 5 weeks. he lives out of town she said she may take a day and drive to his house to see whats going on with. him. I just have a hard time understanding how she thought she would continue with me and she really wanted him. if I would have let her keep comming and doing with me what she was doing and he called her she would have dumped me again. what is wrong with her I think she is nuts.


What surprises me at this point you are still trying to tell her what you want out of her to continue some sort of relationship 

It's not what's wrong with her. You have always accepted this behavior from her she has never had a reason to change so why do you think it will. 

The best thing you could ever do for yourself is buy her a one way bus ticket to whatever city Mr perfect lives in and hope she doesn't find her way back.


----------



## Be smart

Just read you thread and man why do you even talk to her ???

She kept going back to her loverboy then to you and reading your posts it seems to me that you are OK with that ccc !!!


----------



## badmemory

GusPolinski said:


> :slap: :slap: :slap:
> 
> Someone else say it, please...


The only thing I can add is another head slap.:slap::slap::slap::slap:

She's nuts?


----------



## carmen ohio

badmemory said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> 
> :slap: :slap: :slap:
> 
> Someone else say it, please...
> 
> 
> 
> The only thing I can add is another head slap.:slap::slap::slap::slap:
> 
> She's nuts?
Click to expand...

This cannot be emphasized enough . . . :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:


----------



## bandit.45

Something is not translating here. We have been going round and round with this for months. 

I'm going to make you mad Kwood, but I want you to be honest with us. 

Do you have a learning disability?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrtruth

Promise you will never delete this thread so people can show others that need help exactly what NOT to do. I'm so glad I never followed this thread. Holy crap.....so so sad.


----------



## kwood

I do not have a learning disability.i understand everthing its just I had a lot of years with this woman and I thought we had some good times what I don't understand is how a person changes so much. if you ask her its my fault. and I have a hard time living with the guilt and the fact that the person I thought loved me dose not . iam hurting and having a hard time with things and if everyone thinks iam dumb iam sorry . I just reach out to any one that can help me rebuild my life. she text me this morning and asked me over for dinner tonight and then got made when I said no.like I have said she must be nuts but I cant worry about her its about me rebuilding and being their for my son .so if any wants to respond with how to get over her thank you and if you thank iam I dumb ass thank you for your help in the past.


----------



## turnera

kwood, it's just that you keep ignoring the advice. The advice is here, it's good, and it's accurate. It is what WILL help you. And that advice is what it's been since day one: SAY NO and LEAVE HER ALONE and FILL YOUR LIFE WITH STUFF ABOUT YOU AND YOUR KIDS.


----------



## honcho

kwood said:


> I do not have a learning disability.i understand everthing its just I had a lot of years with this woman and I thought we had some good times what I don't understand is how a person changes so much. if you ask her its my fault. and I have a hard time living with the guilt and the fact that the person I thought loved me dose not . iam hurting and having a hard time with things and if everyone thinks iam dumb iam sorry . I just reach out to any one that can help me rebuild my life. she text me this morning and asked me over for dinner tonight and then got made when I said no.like I have said she must be nuts but I cant worry about her its about me rebuilding and being their for my son .so if any wants to respond with how to get over her thank you and if you thank iam I dumb ass thank you for your help in the past.


You keep thinking she has changed over the years but she hasnt. This is like a broken record with her. She just got more brazen about it because you accepted this. 

Your self esteem is completely gone. Your just unwilling to see the situation for what it is. She is your drug and you just won't allow yourself to detox so to speak. Why don't you have her number blocked on your phone? Why did you even respond to her question about dinner?

A great many people have given you advice on this forum and the one resounding theme is cut off communication and get her out of your life. You have proven doing this your way has left you still attached to her and miserable. You might consider trying what everyone has told you and commit to that. 

Quit trying to figure out why she does what she does and figure why you keep sticking your hand in the bear trap.


----------



## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I do not have a learning disability.i understand everthing its just I had a lot of years with this woman and I thought we had some good times what I don't understand is how a person changes so much. if you ask her its my fault. and I have a hard time living with the guilt and the fact that the person I thought loved me dose not . iam hurting and having a hard time with things and if everyone thinks iam dumb iam sorry . I just reach out to any one that can help me rebuild my life. she text me this morning and asked me over for dinner tonight and then got made when I said no.like I have said she must be nuts but I cant worry about her its about me rebuilding and being their for my son .so *if any wants to respond with how to get over her* thank you and if you thank iam I dumb ass thank you for your help in the past.


:slap: :slap: :slap:

Dude. Just stop talking to her.

Change your phone number(s).

No more calls. No more texts.

Change your e-mail address(es).

No more e-mails.

Get rid of any social media accounts.

No more PMs, DMs, or whatever.

Systematically eliminate or change each and every single means of communication that she could use to reach out to you, and don't give your new phone number(s), e-mail address(es), or whatever else to her (DUH) or anyone else that might give it to her.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Kwood you are kind of almost there!

You said no when she called and you didn't give in when she went nuts.

That's actually the hard part of this. Vain many BS get dragged back in my their WW, see them again, have sex and mess themselves up further.

So we all see you doing this. I think it's very important to recognize this is a huge thing and you have done well.

The only thing - and I do mean the only thing that you have to accept is this: she isn't who you thought she was; she doesn't think the way you thought she does; she doesn't have the wants and desires that you thought she had. That's it. She deceived you for a long time and strung you along with enough lies to make you believe she was a certain way. Now you keep asking "why???" But the answer is that she never changed - she always had this in her and always gave you reasons to ignore it. 

So the answer is it is because it is who she is.

If you can accept that, you will be able to do the few remaining things left to stop your pain. You will finish the remaining details of closing up shop and get get out of your life. Do what the others have said so you no longer even see, hear, smell or think of her.


----------



## bandit.45

kwood said:


> I do not have a learning disability.i understand everthing its just I had a lot of years with this woman and I thought we had some good times what I don't understand is how a person changes so much. if you ask her its my fault. and I have a hard time living with the guilt and the fact that the person I thought loved me dose not . iam hurting and having a hard time with things and if everyone thinks iam dumb iam sorry . I just reach out to any one that can help me rebuild my life. she text me this morning and asked me over for dinner tonight and then got made when I said no.like I have said she must be nuts but I cant worry about her its about me rebuilding and being their for my son .so if any wants to respond with how to get over her thank you and if you thank iam I dumb ass thank you for your help in the past.


I don't think you are dumb. My question in part was aimed at stoking anger and fire in you. 

At some point you need to release your rage on her. I don't mean beat her up, but let it out. Let her hear exactly what you think of her.


----------



## bandit.45

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

YOUR'E A FVCKING WH0RE!!!! 

YOU'RE A LYING CHEATING GOOD FOR NOTHING FVCKING CUMDUMPSTER WH0RE!!!

I HATE YOU!!! FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL!!! I WANT EVERY BAD THING, EVERY NOXIOUS PESTILENCE THAT CAN PLAGUE A HUMAN BEING TO BE UNLEASHED ON YOU!!!

I WANT YOU TO DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BECOME SATAN'S ANAL WH0RE...YOU NO GOOD MAGGOT INFESTED PIG!!!

YOU ARE THE WORST EXCUSE FOR A WIFE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED ON THIS FVCKING PLANET!!! AND, YOU ARE AN EVEN WORSE MOTHER!!!. YOUR OWN CHILDREN CANNOT STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU!!! 

IF YOU GOT RUN OVER TOMORROW BY A CEMENT TRUCK, I WOULD RUN OVER AND THANK THE DRIVER!!! HELL I WOULD TAKE HIM OUT FOR LUNCH AS THE PARAMEDICS SCRAPED YOUR FILTHY RESIDUE OFF THE STREET!!!

DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!


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## kwood

she is not the person I thought she was and she will never be . and I no I keep saying I don't understand but I do . she wants me as her plan b and I no that. and I also no that she will never do what she would need to do to rebuild our family our things between me and her . she blames me for a lot of things and she thinks the way my son treats her is wrong. he dose what everyone tells me to do and that is to tell her to go to hell .you guys all tell me this my family tells me this my divorce therypist tells me this and my son tells me this. not everyone can be wrong. we had people stop being our friends when we were married because of the way she was .I never new why they stoped comming around until after we split. and I talked to them. iam going to try really hard to do what I need to do .please pray for me and all the b/s on this fourm


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## turnera

Just picture your son's face every time you're urged to pick up the phone and contact her. HE NEEDS YOU to show him how to be. Don't teach him to be weak like you. Teach him to learn to be strong.


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## kwood

thank you bandit a great way to get your point across.


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## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> she is not the person I thought she was and she will never be . and I no I keep saying I don't understand but I do . she wants me as her plan b and I no that. and I also no that she will never do what she would need to do to rebuild our family our things between me and her . she blames me for a lot of things and she thinks the way my son treats her is wrong. he dose what everyone tells me to do and that is to tell her to go to hell .you guys all tell me this my family tells me this my divorce therypist tells me this and my son tells me this. not everyone can be wrong. we had people stop being our friends when we were married because of the way she was .I never new why they stoped comming around until after we split. and I talked to them. iam going to try really hard to do what I need to do .please pray for me and all the b/s on this fourm


Wonderful post. You do get it. Prayers on their way.


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## TheTruthHurts

Yeah kwood we are all on your side.

The saddest most horrible part is that she probably chose you because you are sensitive and vulnerable - and weak in her mind - just so she could do as she pleaded and have someone at home who wouldn't challenge her and would provide for her.

So she's a piece of sh*t and had been stringing you on (assuming your version of things is the full story )

Can you rebuild relationships with the people with whom you've lost comract because of her? Cause I'd be willing to bet feted be a great source of strength for you if you reached out, told them you are trying to break away, and like them and need their help.

These are people who are good at getting toxic people out of their lives and could probably be very helpful to you.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> she is not the person I thought she was and she will never be . and I no I keep saying I don't understand but I do . she wants me as her plan b and I no that. and I also no that she will never do what she would need to do to rebuild our family our things between me and her . she blames me for a lot of things and she thinks the way my son treats her is wrong. he dose what everyone tells me to do and that is to tell her to go to hell .you guys all tell me this my family tells me this my divorce therypist tells me this and my son tells me this. not everyone can be wrong. we had people stop being our friends when we were married because of the way she was .I never new why they stoped comming around until after we split. and I talked to them. iam going to try really hard to do what I need to do .please pray for me and all the b/s on this fourm


I lost a great many friends over the years because of my stbx. My brother and I didn't speak for 7 years because of her. These relationships can be rebuilt.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

kwood, you're doing pretty much what many of us did in the beginning.

She calls and texts you to pull at your heart strings. She knows that you haven't been able to become indifferent to her yet and she's going to play that for all it's worth.

The problem is you are still thinking with your "heart" when she does this. Your first reaction is still "Maybe she's changing", "Maybe if I give her one last chance"... Maybe, maybe, maybe. Stop thinking with your heart and start reasoning with your mind.

From now on, whenever she calls, texts, or emails you, give yourself at least 30 minutes before you respond. I'm guessing that by the time 20 minutes has past, you'll have processed your emotions and you'll be able to make a clearer decision on whether to return her call/text/email. And if you still decide to return contact, you'll have a clearer, sounder idea of what you'll say to her.

Maybe something on the lines of "How can I miss you, if you won't go away". Tell her that this constant contact is driving you away. If she really wants another chance, she needs to give you space and time AND not contacting ANY other men.

If she can do that, then you think there might be a chance.

She may give you the time and space. The not seeing other men part... well, I doubt that she could do this for long. There's your out...


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## kwood

I would just like to share the lastest. Thursday we had a problem with our youngest son so I had to call her we got in to a really big fight and the call ended with her saying if she ever wanted me back she would call me .????? and hung up on me I thought wtf if she wants me back.so I text her and pretty much said what bandit said in his post. I did not hear from her until Saturday night at ten o clock .I get a text what are you doing , iwas half asleep and really did not see who the text was from, I said iam laying in bed she then said can I tell you something. I said what and she said I miss you, I said yea I bet that sucks and then she said she was lonely,i said ok .then she asked would I mind if she came down to my house and we have a beer togather. at first I thought well I might get laid if she did but that would be wrong. so I think I should just sit and wait for her to need me .and be their for her so she is not lonely. the hell with that I do have a life to live. she has bigger balls then I do.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I would just like to share the lastest. Thursday we had a problem with our youngest son so I had to call her we got in to a really big fight and the call ended with her saying if she ever wanted me back she would call me .????? and hung up on me I thought wtf if she wants me back.so I text her and pretty much said what bandit said in his post. I did not hear from her until Saturday night at ten o clock .I get a text what are you doing , iwas half asleep and really did not see who the text was from, I said iam laying in bed she then said can I tell you something. I said what and she said I miss you, I said yea I bet that sucks and then she said she was lonely,i said ok .then she asked would I mind if she came down to my house and we have a beer togather. at first I thought well I might get laid if she did but that would be wrong. so I think I should just sit and wait for her to need me .and be their for her so she is not lonely. the hell with that I do have a life to live. she has bigger balls then I do.


Stop.

Talk.

Ing.

To.

Her.


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## Dyokemm

kwood,

You make co-dependency seem like a drug addiction.

You need to stop talking to her all together.

You will never emotionally detach if you keep this up.


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## turnera

kwood, what the hell? Why haven't you blocked her? Come on.


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> . at first I thought well I might get laid if she did but that would be wrong. so I think I should just sit and wait for her to need me .and be their for her so she is not lonely. the hell with that I do have a life to live. she has bigger balls then I do.


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## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> I would just like to share the lastest. Thursday we had a problem with our youngest son so I had to call her we got in to a really big fight and the call ended with her saying if she ever wanted me back she would call me .????? and hung up on me I thought wtf if she wants me back.so I text her and pretty much said what bandit said in his post. I did not hear from her until Saturday night at ten o clock .I get a text what are you doing , iwas half asleep and really did not see who the text was from, I said iam laying in bed she then said can I tell you something. I said what and she said I miss you, I said yea I bet that sucks and then she said she was lonely,i said ok .then she asked would I mind if she came down to my house and we have a beer togather. *at first I thought well I might get laid if she did but that would be wrong. so I think I should just sit and wait for her to need me .and be their for her so she is not lonely. the hell with that I do have a life to live. she has bigger balls then I do.*


I'm totally confused by this.

Did you invite her over so that you could get laid (and did you) or are you going to sit and wait for her to need you and be there for her so she is not lonely or did you tell her you have a life to live?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> kwood, you're doing pretty much what many of us did in the beginning.
> 
> She calls and texts you to pull at your heart strings. She knows that you haven't been able to become indifferent to her yet and she's going to play that for all it's worth.
> 
> The problem is you are still thinking with your "heart" when she does this. Your first reaction is still "Maybe she's changing", "Maybe if I give her one last chance"... Maybe, maybe, maybe. Stop thinking with your heart and start reasoning with your mind.
> 
> From now on, whenever she calls, texts, or emails you, give yourself at least 30 minutes before you respond. I'm guessing that by the time 20 minutes has past, you'll have processed your emotions and you'll be able to make a clearer decision on whether to return her call/text/email. And if you still decide to return contact, you'll have a clearer, sounder idea of what you'll say to her.
> 
> Maybe something on the lines of "How can I miss you, if you won't go away". Tell her that this constant contact is driving you away. If she really wants another chance, she needs to give you space and time AND not contacting ANY other men.
> 
> If she can do that, then you think there might be a chance.
> 
> She may give you the time and space. The not seeing other men part... well, I doubt that she could do this for long. There's your out...


OP, I don't know if you read this one ^^^^ , but just in case, here it is again...

If you let her get close enough, she will hurt you even more.

Space. Time. Work on yourself in the meantime.


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## VFW

People like her have a sense of entitlement, folks have probably always catered to her. I know that many times we even contributed to part of our marriage problems by putting them on a pedestal. Marriages work best when it is a relationship of equals, when one party is elevated, then it creates a harmful dichotomy. Treat her with respect as the mother of your child, for his sake. However, she is not your friend, buddy or pal and all conversation should be business in nature. Do not let her draw you into an argument, this is difficult, but actually gives you the upper hand. It takes time, but eventually you will get to the point where you really don’t care.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> I would just like to share the lastest. Thursday we had a problem with our youngest son so I had to call her we got in to a really big fight and the call ended with her saying if she ever wanted me back she would call me .????? and hung up on me I thought wtf if she wants me back.so I text her and pretty much said what bandit said in his post. I did not hear from her until Saturday night at ten o clock .I get a text what are you doing , iwas half asleep and really did not see who the text was from, I said iam laying in bed she then said can I tell you something. I said what and she said I miss you, I said yea I bet that sucks and then she said she was lonely,i said ok .then she asked would I mind if she came down to my house and we have a beer togather. at first I thought well I might get laid if she did but that would be wrong. so I think I should just sit and wait for her to need me .and be their for her so she is not lonely. the hell with that I do have a life to live. she has bigger balls then I do.


It's not a matter of having bigger ones. This has always worked in the past and it's second nature to her. You always have given in to her. 

Don't be too concerned about her being lonely, odds are she just texted the next guy on her list to see if he was busy. Just quit engaging her. she will try again and step up her game.


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## TheTruthHurts

Ever been fishing? You just drop in a line and wait a bit. If nothing happens, you pull the line and move on to the next hole  (fishing hole)

But... If it looks like you get a nibble, that's when the fun starts! You cast and try different angles... different bait if things die down... but you don't stop until you get tired. Even a little nibble will make you keep trying.

It's fun! Even if you don't catch anything! In fact, a lot of people just throw the catch back anyway once they do catch it.

Get it yet????

She's just fishing and hoping you're about as smart as the average trout. And she's having fun regardless. She's changing her bait as often as needed to keep you going for the line. "Oh, I'm so lonely ". "Wanna f*ck? " "I miss you ". And she will DEFINITELY toss you back in if she ever catches you.

Think about that next time she texts or calls. Look down and see the hooks on your phone before you text back.


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## Be smart

You want to be there for her because she is lonley !!!

Did you forget what she did to you and your family ?

Stop texting her,she can have her boyfriends.

You need to keep moving on,life is to short to be wasted on woman like her.


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## bandit.45

SteveK all over again.


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## kwood

For those of you who have read my story I would like to no am I a freak for having such a hard time with all this? With the holidays coming up I keep thinking about all we did as a family. She works retail so on Christmas eve for the last 23 years she would come home and I would have her a Christmas dinner ready for our family. I would invite her mom and step dad to join us. iam going to miss that very much. I really liked her family and now it hurts to no iam no longer part of it. I feel like I have nothing left in life every thing I loved is gone. Their is nothing left I have my son now but he is grown and going to build his own life. I Keep asking my self what is the reason to go on. iam seeing a thrypist but talking dose not change my life our take away the hurt and the feeling so lost.


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## turnera

So what ELSE are you doing in your life? What classes have you signed up for? What organization are you volunteering at? What sports group did you join and play with? What books are you reading? What gym did you join? What group did you join to meet new people? 

I don't think you're a freak. I DO think you are purposely choosing NOT to change your life and thus become happier.


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## carmen ohio

kwood said:


> For those of you who have read my story I would like to no am I a freak for having such a hard time with all this? With the holidays coming up I keep thinking about all we did as a family. She works retail so on Christmas eve for the last 23 years she would come home and I would have her a Christmas dinner ready for our family. I would invite her mom and step dad to join us. iam going to miss that very much. I really liked her family and now it hurts to no iam no longer part of it. I feel like I have nothing left in life every thing I loved is gone. Their is nothing left I have my son now but he is grown and going to build his own life. I Keep asking my self what is the reason to go on. iam seeing a thrypist but talking dose not change my life our take away the hurt and the feeling so lost.


Dear kwood,

No, you are not a freak. You are the victim of the worst kind of betrayal and this, quite understandably, has devastated you.

But try to remember this: your life will get better once you begin to move on. So your job, now, is to complete the divorce, continue with therapy and start to build a new life.

Yes, it is daunting and may even be a bit frightening. But you should also consider it an opportunity to do things that you always wanted to do but, because of family commitments or whatever, were unable to.

While the circumstances decidedly suck, the good news is that you are now free to do whatever you like. Embrace this opportunity.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> For those of you who have read my story I would like to no am I a freak for having such a hard time with all this? With the holidays coming up I keep thinking about all we did as a family. She works retail so on Christmas eve for the last 23 years she would come home and I would have her a Christmas dinner ready for our family. I would invite her mom and step dad to join us. iam going to miss that very much. I really liked her family and now it hurts to no iam no longer part of it. I feel like I have nothing left in life every thing I loved is gone. Their is nothing left I have my son now but he is grown and going to build his own life. I Keep asking my self what is the reason to go on. iam seeing a thrypist but talking dose not change my life our take away the hurt and the feeling so lost.


Worried about Christmas already? You want to cook a big Christmas dinner? Volunteer at a homeless shelter and cook for them, then you can see people who would actually appreciate the efforts. 

Your depressed and depression is a vicious cycle and right now your looking for reasons to be depressed.


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## bfree

Kwood, you are not a freak. People inherently do not like change. You may be someone who likes change even less than most. Add to that the massive betrayal you have suffered and your difficulties are not only understandable but expected. You need to heal. Please take and implement the suggestions being offered by the well meaning posters in your thread. They're only here for your benefit and have your best interests in mind.


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## TheTruthHurts

I agree with above posters.

I think the best way to look at this is as though you are at the end of life looking back. Of course, at that point you could be dispondent and regretful, but what I've seen is very different.

I've seen people who look back fondly on the good times in their life. You had 23 great Christmases with an extended family you wouldn't have known if not for your WW. That's a nice set of memories.

You've got a great kid from your marriage. That's wonderful.

You've got fun memories from the house and have taken pictures and left your mark behind.

It's ok to be wistful for those times, but a more healthy attitude is to cherish the richness you've been blessed with.

Why are you assuming you won't look back in 10 or 20 or more years at brand new memories not yet experienced? Of course you will.

We are the product of a collection of the good and bad experiences in our lives. I personally wouldn't change anything about my past - even the bad had aspects I wouldn't want to give up.

All you have to do us wake up each morning and you'll be making new memories. What's to say you won't look at this period as a time where you realized there were anonymous people out there actively helping you through s dark period? Maybe you'll look at that aspect fondly as you're dispensing words of encouragement to someone else.

It's really not as bad as it seems. Just another day that collapses into the weeks and months and years... and the worst pain fades.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Kwood
> I feel like I have nothing left in life everything I loved is gone. There is nothing left I have my son now but he is grown and going to build his own life. I keep asking myself what is the reason to go on. I am seeing a therapist but talking does not change my life our take away the hurt and the feeling so lost.


You are going to hurt over missing the Christmas times with your family and even other times also. There is no magic bullet that is going to kill your pains. However, this is only temporary if you want it to be temporary. You will have to do many of what has already been told to you on this forum. *In other words you will have to take positive actions while you are in pain.*

Because you are hurt you have a skewed outlook for your future. That is not a true picture of what your future can be. 

First, remind yourself that you have decided and taken action so that you are no longer going to allow her to disrespect you and manipulate you. She has cheated on you THREE TIMES that you know of and you have been beaten down but now you are standing up like a man. *You are freeing yourself from your wife ripping your heart out; that takes strength!*

Secondly, your wife is not your whole life and this crisis is not the crises that can ruin your life. Actually this crisis can be a motivator for you to get off the canvas and come out fighting. You have a choice to allow your hurt emotions to drag you into the pit or you can decide that you are going to come out swinging. Everything you love is not gone; you have you, your son, and you can find another love that will not cheat on you.

Thirdly, as you heal and build yourself up you can find that there are women that you can have company with that are a good replacement for your wife that can be a great improvement over her; *it will not be hard to find a woman that can beat a three time cheater! *

Kwood, we BSs know what loss and pain is, we too have had a Christmas without our spouse. Just know that we understand your hurt but *you need to use mind over emotions to deny the skewed outlook for your future*. 

I hope that in the next few days you post and tell us something that you did that you enjoy that has absolutely nothing to do with reminding you of your betraying wife. *Will you do that?*


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## turnera

Since his wife of 25 years left him, my brother's been volunteering at the local church that serves Christmas dinner to homeless people (and anyone else who's alone) each year. He said it's the best thing he's ever done in his life. He loves it.


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## kwood

thank you all for the great ideas. getting more involved with church and helping others would be a great idea.You people on this fourm are very kind to take the time out of your lifes to help people. the past is a very hard thing to let go of I thank it is becomes away of life and when you have to make big changes in life it is hard. I was thanking how nice it would be if people when they got married they kept their vowes to each other .look at how many lifes have been torn apart, how much pain children have been put through just because one person cant keep their word, and care about their self more then their own family. My dad was very sick for a long time and I was having a lot of trouble with my youngest son that I adopted he was in and out of mental hosptials and their a lo of trouble with him. on my dads dying bed I told him I was sorry I did not get to spend as much time with him as I wanted to he told me son you always put your family first I wish my x wife would have put her family first. and not worried about herself.


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## Mr Blunt

> I hope that in the next few days you post and tell us something that you did that you enjoy that has absolutely nothing to do with reminding you of your betraying wife. *Will you do that*?


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## kwood

MR BLUNT wanted me to post a few things I have done that has nothing to do with reminding me off my ex wife.one thing I have done is I bought me a new car, I have not really found much to do. I ran into my ex mother inlaw the other day at the store and it was very hard me and her were very close. She said she missed me and wanted me to still come around but iam not sure about that. the reason I bought a new car was because the engine blew up in my old one. my ex found out about it and called my son and wanted to talk to me, she said she would give me the money to put a engine in my car.She said she new I wea having a hard time and that it was her fault and she wanted to help me.She got mad when I said their was no way I would take money from her. I also told my son the next time she called tell HER IAM NOT HOME anyway that is about all that is going on with me. people say this get better with time but so far I don't see that.right now I just want to make through the holidays .because this was a very close tim for us or so I thought.


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## turnera

So you bought a car. Took all of maybe 5 hours? What ELSE have you done?


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## badmemory

kwood said:


> She got mad when I said their was no way I would take money from her. I also told my son the next time she called tell HER IAM NOT HOME anyway that is about all that is going on with me.


Good call Kwood. You don't want to be beholding to her. I'm beginning to think you're finally starting to detach. Hope so anyway.


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## Mr Blunt

> I bought a new car was because the engine blew up in my old one. my ex found out about it and called my son and wanted to talk to me, she said she would give me the money to put a engine in my car.She said she new I wea having a hard time and that it was her fault and she wanted to help me.She got mad when I said their was no way I would take money from her. I also told my son the next time she called tell HER IAM NOT HOME anyway that is about all that is going on with me.


Glad you were occupied with buying your new car for a few hours. *What did you do the last 6 days that had no connection to your wife? Congrats on buying a car but did you have to bring up your wife?*

You could have told your wife that you are going to work on yourself and that you do not want her to try and contact you anymore. If she calls again then you can just hang up without talking to her because you have told her your decision to leave her out of your life. 

If you do not cut her out and work on yourself you will continue to have her interrupt your detachment.

Your wife has disrespected you, rejected you, and replaced you with at least three other men so you allowing her to contact you is a sign that you are in a weakened state. You can get better if you take the right actions. *What are you doing to get emotionally stronger and more self-sufficient?*


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## kwood

WELL MR BLUNT I MUST SAY THE ONE THING I HAVE BEEN DOING IS TAKING A HARD LOOK AT MY SELF. THE ONE THING THAT I WOULD LIKE TO ASK .IS WHY IS IT WHEN WE GET CHEATED ON WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE OUR SPOUSE. THEY DONT LOVE US ,THEY DESTORY US TEAR US DOWN AND TAKE OUR LIFE AWAY FROM US. SO WHY DO I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER?
SHE WANTs TO COME AROUND AND ACT MARRIED WITH OUT COMMITMENT. I THINK I WAS ACTING LIKE SHE WAS LUCKY TO HAVE ME . AND I WOULD BE VERY LUCKY IF ONLY SHE WOULD TAKE ME BACK. I HAVE CHANGED THIS WAY OF THINKING AND I FEEL IAM A GOOD MAN THAT A REAL WOMAN WILL WANT AND LOVE ME FOR WHO IAM AND NOT MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME .I LOVE MY FAMILY VERY MUCH AND LOOK FOWARD TO BEING VERY CLOSE TO MY SON AND SOMEDAY GRAND KIDS . I HOPE SOME DAY SHE UNDERSTANDS WHAT SHE GAVE UP.


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## badmemory

kwood said:


> WHY IS IT WHEN WE GET CHEATED ON WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE OUR SPOUSE. THEY DONT LOVE US ,THEY DESTORY US TEAR US DOWN AND TAKE OUR LIFE AWAY FROM US. SO WHY DO I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER?


Kwood,

When a BS get's cheated on the first time, it's natural to have the feelings you describe; for the short term. Even then most husband's file for divorce.

When you get cheated on multiple times and still have those feelings - It's called *co-dependence*.

Posters have told you this many times; and told you that you need to get counseling for this.


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## ArmyofJuan

The good news is you are not going to feel this way forever, by this time next year you are not even going to remember how this feels like. Your brain is rewiring itself to your new "normal" and eventually you'll feel like yourself again. When we are with someone for a long time we become addicted to them so when we separate we go through withdrawals that have psychosomatic responses which can be painful. They are temporary so really you just have to ride it out and keep your head about yourself. 

One day you won't care about the why's or care what she is doing nor will you feel any love for her once you get your self esteem back and realize how much she disrespected you. The BIGGEST regret BS's have that I have seen in these situations after the dust settles was being too nice to their cheating WSs.


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## kwood

I would like to wish all the people on tam a happy thanksgiving. thank you all for your help this past year. I pray that each and every one of you find peace and happiness in your lifes. me and my son are going to do the best we can to enjoy the holidays this year and start new family traditions. may God bless you all.


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## alte Dame

Happy Thanksgiving, kwood! You are a good man who deserves some good times.


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## kwood

I hope every one had a nice thanksgiving.ours went ok very differnt this year with out her. Iam trying to not talk or text her . But i feel so lost with christmas comming. I hope this feeling of being lost gose away. I have heard that she is dating a drummer from a band here in town. I gusses that is the type of man she wants. I dont understand how you cost your family every thing hurt your kids and destory your spouse. Iam try to do things to get over this i go out with friends, go to church, spend time with my family, it just seems every were i look their is somthing that reminds me of the past. It is getting cold out side and we would get in bed and cuddle on them cold days. I miss that stuff very bad.


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## turnera

Are you seeing a therapist?


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## kwood

Yes in fact i see him tonight.


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## TheTruthHurts

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but your opening line says this started in 2008. So that's 7 years. How much do you hate yourself to continue to actively punish yourself for a marriage that ended 7 years ago.

Yes I realize there were things done back and forth to try to create a new marriage - and those things failed - but your original marriage died 7 years ago. She left then because she was already done. Frankly it must have been over well before that for her.

You have to let your logical brain have control and ignore the sad, irrational, emotional child inside. Of course it hurts. But it's not real. If you look behind the curtain, you'll see photos and scrap books but no wife. She left the building a long time ago.

You enjoy punishing yourself and it must be because you do not feel worthy of having a new life. You screwed up your first marriage and that's all you get. You deserve to wallow in your misery for the rest of your life, imagining that it never ended.

Sorry but that is what is going on. Far worse than a pity party, you actually don't feel worthy of living a full, happy life. 

It's been a while since I read the details of your thread, but I do recall a lot of people encouraging you to disconnect from her, but instead you continue to ensure your misery by hanging on to something that was gone long ago.

Here's some advice you are likely to completely ignore. Go to a grocery store and buy some roses - whatever color makes sense to you. Go to a cemetery near you. Pick a tree, or very old headstone. Place the flowers, and say goodby to your marriage and ex. Grieve a bit, but say goodbye. Maybe take a photo. Then from now on - only think about it and her when you take the time to go to the cemetery. I am serious about this. Read the headstones. Realize they're gone too. It's ok we all go sometime. Maybe pick a headstone dated 2008. It will help put it in context

Then realize this Christmas is your first one of the new life. Why not celebrate that freedom?


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> I hope every one had a nice thanksgiving.ours went ok very differnt this year with out her. Iam trying to not talk or text her . But i feel so lost with christmas comming. I hope this feeling of being lost gose away. I have heard that she is dating a drummer from a band here in town. I gusses that is the type of man she wants. I dont understand how you cost your family every thing hurt your kids and destory your spouse. Iam try to do things to get over this i go out with friends, go to church, spend time with my family, it just seems every were i look their is somthing that reminds me of the past. It is getting cold out side and we would get in bed and cuddle on them cold days. I miss that stuff very bad.


Yep. It's tough getting over a woman. But you will. It just takes time. Why not make this an awesome Christmas for you and your kids? Do something you have never done before.


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## Mr Blunt

*Posts below are from February 2015……..9 months ago!*



> *By Bryanp*
> If you do not respect yourself then who will?
> 
> *By Buttpunch*
> You are severly codependent
> 
> B*y kwood*
> I looked up codependent and it fits me to a tee
> 
> *
> By Turnera*
> do you see that that shows that there's something YOU need to change about YOU?



Everyone knows what you need to do. Your wife has cheated on you at least 3 times that you know of and you have been a door mat for 7 years. *Do you really want to get better?*

kwood, you know what you need to do, you know that you are way too far codependent on her and you will only get better if you concentrate on ONLY YOU! Stop talking about your wife, I have heard enough about her to know that she is poison to you. Stop allowing your weakness and thoughts about her to avoid the real issue with you. You can keep telling us how you are so hurt but after SEVEN YEARS you know that you will only get better if YOU do everything to build yourself up. You cannot build yourself up if you keep her in your thoughts. *You are going to have to choose to get better or you will get worse!*

Get all the help that you can so that you concentrate on ONLY YOU getting built up. When you start that thinking about her and your pains FORCE yourself to stop or you will continue to get more depressed. You have no good reason not to get better.

*Would you agree to not post anything about her but only post what you are doing to get better?*

There are over 600 posts to you over a 9 month period. We have done about all we can for you now it is up to you. You can get better if you really want to.


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## kwood

I will try not to talk about her anymore my therpist had me tell him in detail what she has done to me and our kids over a 8 year span. Then i had to sit and listen to my son and hear what she has done to him and how it has hurt him. Then i had to try to explain to my therpist why i would ever want to take her back.then he told me that she is selfcenterd, she dose not care who she hurts, and she has no problem tearing my life and my sons life apart just for her own happines. And i better wake up .now ...


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## bandit.45

kwood said:


> I will try not to talk about her anymore my therpist had me tell him in detail what she has done to me and our kids over a 8 year span. Then i had to sit and listen to my son and hear what she has done to him and how it has hurt him. Then i had to try to explain to my therpist why i would ever want to take her back.then he told me that she is selfcenterd, she dose not care who she hurts, and she has no problem tearing my life and my sons life apart just for her own happines. And i better wake up .now ...


See? We have been telling you the same thing and you don't have to pay us!


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## kwood

Hello t,a,m i hope every one is doing good. Iam really trying hard to get better. My ex wife still wants to come around some but i am doing good at telling her no. Friday night she text me and wanted to no if i was home i told her no. Saturday i came home to find christmas presents on my in my front door from her. I no what you guys are going to ask why dont i block her from my phone. Its because of my youngest son .how is out on his own and he gets in to all kinds of trouble with the law. I have good days and bad days i really miss my old home and the things we done as a family this time of year. I keep asking myself why did i not try to be a better husband, why did i not pay more attention to her.. If i had done things better me and my family would be togather. But i did try to do better she would never see the good in me just the bad. I no in my heart that i made mistakes ..but i never cheated on her i alaways worked , imade sure our bills were paid .and i was a good farther. I no that she was still talking to her orther man for a while before we split .and she told me that me knowing she was talking to him should have made me try harder to make her happy. Any way just having a down day .i hope every one has a merry christmas.


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## LongWalk

She's just manipulating you. You see this don't you?

I'll bet she'd like to have a happy family Christmas with you and spend New Year's eve with OM(en).


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## alte Dame

Merry Christmas, kwood!

After sticking with your thread through its duration, I believe that we will never be able to convince you that you weren't a bad husband in any way & there was nothing you could ever do to change how she has behaved. Really, nothing.

It is twisted thinking on her part to say that you 'made' her cheat. If you buy it, it only hurts you. What she does is abusive. Abusers always say that the abused 'make them do it.'

You do sound like you are moving forward, though. I wish you the best for the New Year. Keep strong.


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## turnera

I have a couple questions for you.

How old is your youngest son? 

What do you do to your son every time he gets in trouble with the law?


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## JohnA

Jesus kwood every time I read your thread it becomes more painful. Why are you who you are? What happened to you to cause you to become so passive out of weakness? Where you adopted, did one of your parents break you? What ?? 

Why is your wife who she is? Is she a CSA victim? Is that why she rejects you and goes with her bad boy? 

The three of you are in a dysfunctional relationship. Yes the three of you !


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> Hello t,a,m i hope every one is doing good. Iam really trying hard to get better. My ex wife still wants to come around some but i am doing good at telling her no. Friday night she text me and wanted to no if i was home i told her no.


You shouldn't have responded. Why haven't you blocked her number yet?

Your children are adults. If they want to reach out to her, they can do that on their own.



kwood said:


> Saturday i came home to find christmas presents on my in my front door from her.


Take them down to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.



kwood said:


> I no what you guys are going to ask why dont i block her from my phone.


Yep!



kwood said:


> Its because of my youngest son .how is out on his own and he gets in to all kinds of trouble with the law.


OK. And...?



kwood said:


> I have good days and bad days i really miss my old home and the things we done as a family this time of year.


That's over now. This your new normal. Make it better, but w/o her.

And who cares? The past several holidays have been a lie anyway, right? She was involved w/ OM for years... right?



kwood said:


> I keep asking myself why did i not try to be a better husband, why did i not pay more attention to her.. If i had done things better me and my family would be togather.


<Insert extreme quadruple backflip facepalm meme here.>



kwood said:


> But i did try to do better she would never see the good in me just the bad.


See? Now you're contradicting yourself. This is all her.



kwood said:


> I no in my heart that i made mistakes ..but i never cheated on her i alaways worked , imade sure our bills were paid .and i was a good farther. I no that she was still talking to her orther man for a while before we split .and she told me that me knowing she was talking to him should have made me try harder to make her happy. Any way just having a down day .


Again, this is all on her.



kwood said:


> i hope every one has a merry christmas.


Merry Christmas!


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## bandit.45

Take the presents back to wherever she is staying and drop them on the porch. 

Block her phone number. You have no reason whatsoever to talk to this woman. Your kids are grown and you have no need for any more coordination with her. 

Let her meet static.


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## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Take the presents back to wherever she is staying and drop them on the porch.
> 
> Block her phone number. You have no reason whatsoever to talk to this woman. Your kids are grown and you have no need for any more coordination with her.
> 
> Let her meet static.


:iagree:

Your wife reminds me of one of those "before and after" meth addict photographs.

She thinks she is still a pretty girl, but she has degenerated into a disgusting, vile monster. But she has failed to notice this.


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## honcho

bandit.45 said:


> Take the presents back to wherever she is staying and drop them on the porch.
> 
> Block her phone number. You have no reason whatsoever to talk to this woman. Your kids are grown and you have no need for any more coordination with her.
> 
> Let her meet static.


The son excuse is just the line of silliness he uses to justify not blocking it. He won't block it because he wants this contact. How many times a day do you think he checks his phone just in case he missed a call or text from her?


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## jim123

Kwood,

I remember the song Taxi

Another man might of been angry

Another might have been hurt

But another man would not have put up with her crap (instead of another man would have not let her go)

I stuffed the bill in my shirt.

Keep the gifts if you need them or like them. She no longer matters anyway.


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## bandit.45

Like a broken record.


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## kwood

I hate to admit it but I do look at my phone to see if she has called or text. I have really let her make me thank it was my fault for her cheating. I have talked to my mom about what she says the I was not affectionit enough to her and she said that my dad was not a very affectionit person but she never cheated on him. She said that she saw the good in him and loved him for who he was .She said she made vowes to him when they were married and she kept them .She says her reason for cheating is bullsh## and when you are married you take the good and the bad in a person. She says anyone who cheats is selfcentered and not worth being with. Said there was things that I could have done better but nothing bad enough to make her cheat and dump our family.and the faster that I learn that she is just a ***** that iam better off with out the better off I will be. I hope she is right.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I hate to admit it but I do look at my phone to see if she has called or text. I have really let her make me thank it was my fault for her cheating. I have talked to my mom about what she says the I was not affectionit enough to her and she said that my dad was not a very affectionit person but she never cheated on him. She said that she saw the good in him and loved him for who he was .She said she made vowes to him when they were married and she kept them .She says her reason for cheating is bullsh## and when you are married you take the good and the bad in a person. She says anyone who cheats is selfcentered and not worth being with. Said there was things that I could have done better but nothing bad enough to make her cheat and dump our family.and the faster that I learn that she is just a ***** that iam better off with out the better off I will be. *I hope she is right.*


Your mother is right.


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## alte Dame

Of course, your mother is right.

Your WW sounds like the type of person who acts like she's just not able to stop the forces that overtake her body. She cheated and it can't be her fault, so you must have driven her to it. (Reminds me of the old Flip Wilson routine where Geraldine screams 'the devil made me do it' with every awful thing she does.)

Listen to your mom.


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## giddiot

alte Dame said:


> Of course, your mother is right.
> 
> Your WW sounds like the type of person who acts like she's just not able to stop the forces that overtake her body. She cheated and it can't be her fault, so you must have driven her to it. (Reminds me of the old Flip Wilson routine where Geraldine screams 'the devil made me do it' with every awful thing she does.)
> 
> Listen to your mom.


Flip Wilson really dates ya. Of course I remember it too.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote:
> *By Kwood*
> I hate to admit it but I do look at my phone to see if she has called or text. I have really let her make me thank it was my fault for her cheating.



You are a martyr and you love to tell everyone how hurt you are. You have been shyt on for eight years and been cheated on at least three times and you allow your wife to make you think that it is your fault for her cheating. *Do you love self-pity and being a door mat?*


You have been given over 600 posts of good information and you have a therapist. You like to talk and listen but you do not take enough action to get out of your pitiful state that you are in. You even doubt your mom and she is right on target.


Will you answer two questions? Those questions are:

*Why do you look for her to call or text you?

WHY do you still wonder if you are the one that made her betray you?*


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## OldWolf57

K, you've come long way, but what you are doing now is what happens to some people that are losing weight,, they reach a stage and stall.
This time of year is when most people hurt or destroy themselves.
Don't be one of those.

Your growth will be a lot easier if YOU make a conscience effort everytime to refocus when she comes to mind.

YOU have to refocus and concentrate on something else.
It's basic,, but true.
Ask anyone that's quit smoking, or any drugs.

To most people it's a no brainer, but to some of us, we have to learn.

Make a conscience effort to give yourself and your son the BEST Christmas you guys ever had.

Happy Holidays my friend, and may God bring you many good things in the New Year !!


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## kwood

I do not love to tell people how hurt I have been the only people I talk about it to are the people on here, my mom and my therapist, I look at my phone because I than after 23 years of marriage she might want show me or my son that we mean something to her.that we are not just trash that she just got rid of, that she might just care about us, I don't understand how people do this kinda thing . I read other peoples post and it breake my heart all the people that have had their lives torn apart. what makes me thank that I made her cheat .is I thought she was a good loving person that cared and her life with me must have been so bad that she had to find someone else .that I just was not the type of man she needed. I no in my heart that I did my best and I made mistakes and I tried to fix them but no matter what I did it was just not good enough for her. I never claimed to be a martyr or to say I have had it so much wore then other people. I am just a man trying to understand what is so bad about me that made her not love me any more that is what hurts them most.


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## Lostinthought61

I wish i could tell you Kwood that everyone out there has compassion, they are thoughtful and caring, that they think of others, but the reality is that some people just don't have that capability, or if they have it they suppress it with other needs, other wants and desires. it will only drive you crazy to try to get into someone else mind and try to understand why they can't see how their actions are hurting you and your love ones. Your ex-wife is such a person, her personal needs are greater then her capacity to feel guilt, and feel remorse, it is presently not in her, and you have to some how come to grips that it may never be in her or ever was in her. And i promise you this, the more you think about this the more it will slowly drive you into a depression with lingering thoughts that will make you crazy......sometimes you don't get to know the answers, sometimes you have to come to the realization that you have to walk away. Its time to take a deep breath and breath......let it out and slowly move on with your life...out there is some one with similar wants, similar hopes and compassion, stop wasting it on someone who can not reciprocate.


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## turnera

Are you aware that Users look for Givers to marry? That way, they have someone who is continually willing to be a doormat so that they (the User) keeps getting what they want. When people date, Users can sense someone who's a Giver, and they feed them just enough attention to draw them in. That's what happened to you. 

How to stop that? By focusing on therapy and learning how to value yourself. kwood, ALL of this is a direct result of you not loving and valuing yourself enough. Had you valued yourself, you never would have even dated her; she would have Used you the first time and you would have never asked her out a second time.

So focus on that. I think we talked about you asking your therapist to work on your self worth. Is that happening? Or are you just using your sessions to moan about losing her?


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## happyman64

Kwood

Hopefully in a short period of time you will soon realize that her reasons for leaving you and your kid have nothing to do with you.

No reason could ever justify her selfishness.

Heal. Put the focus on you.

Don't waste another minute thinking about her. She is not worthy.

HM


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## kwood

I hope every one had a nice Christmas mine went ok . I had my family over Christmas eve for dinner and when we were about to eat I get a call from her wanting to no if we were home ,I said I have family over and we are about to eat.she said ok, we got done eating and was sitting in the living room and my sister saw her driving around on the side street by my house. my family anymore left and she text me wanting to no if I still had company. I said no and she wanted to stop by and bring my son his Christmas gifts.so I said ok she came to my house let her have the time with our son while I stayed in the other room she was their about 20 min, and left. my son was upset because he did not want to see her at all and he feels like she pushed her self on us .he said next time she calls or text me he wants my phone. Don't you guys thank he should show his mom some kinda respect or am I being dumb again. he is older so I think he can handle it the way he wants to.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> I hope every one had a nice Christmas mine went ok . I had my family over Christmas eve for dinner and when we were about to eat I get a call from her wanting to no if we were home ,I said I have family over and we are about to eat.she said ok, we got done eating and was sitting in the living room and my sister saw her driving around on the side street by my house. my family anymore left and she text me wanting to no if I still had company. I said no and she wanted to stop by and bring my son his Christmas gifts.so I said ok she came to my house let her have the time with our son while I stayed in the other room she was their about 20 min, and left. my son was upset because he did not want to see her at all and he feels like she pushed her self on us .he said next time she calls or text me he wants my phone. Don't you guys thank he should show his mom some kinda respect or am I being dumb again. he is older so I think he can handle it the way he wants to.


Hands off, Dad. He gets to have whatever kind of relationship that he wants -- or doesn't want -- to have w/ his mother.

STOP TAKING HER CALLS.

STOP RESPONDING TO HER TEXTS.

If she wants to talk w/ your son or see your son, THEN SHE CAN CALL OR TEXT YOUR SON.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kwood

thank you gus, I have blocked her number on my phone. took me long enough I no.


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## turnera

Thank God! Your son has told you REPEATEDLY that he wants nothing to do with her and you CONTINUE to force her on him because YOU are weak.

I hope you stick with it this time. Before he loses all respect for you, too.

ETA: Let's be honest here, kwood. The ONLY reason you keep doing this is because you keep hoping she'll show up, beg your forgiveness, kiss your boots, and become the woman you WISH she is (and will never be). 

This isn't about your son. It's about YOUR weakness and YOUR inability to love yourself enough to walk away from her.


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## alte Dame

It's very frustrating when a person you are close to makes important calls for you the way you have made for your son. My H actually does this all the time. If I don't want to talk to someone and he disagrees, he just ignores my feelings. I get phones handed to me, dinner invitations accepted, etc. This can become enraging, especially when you are not generally the type of person to exclude other people and have very good reason to not want to deal with some people.

So...stop overruling your son. You don't know better than he does about his own relationship with his mother. He's older and can make his own choices.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

kwood said:


> Don't you guys thank he should show his mom some kinda respect


He's just giving her the same respect the she gave him and you.

You get what you give.

I get the feeling that every time you break the 180 and take her calls, let her come over, you're hoping that she'll have an epiphany and want to get back together with you.

Given what you've written here I think it's very doubtful that this will happen. Even if it does, it would only be after an OM dumped her and she was feeling low. It wouldn't be long before she left you again.

Take you Sons queue. She left you both, long ago. Anything he does, or doesn't do for her is well deserved.


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## kwood

well next mount will be 1 year since my wife left me and I put my first post on t.a.m I believe that I am in a much better place then I was a year a go. I owe a lot off that to you folks. I was reading all my old post and I was a whimp .I sounded like this woman who lied and cheated on me many times was worth fighting for like I was lucky to have her and nobody but her would ever want me. that is not true and all the b/s that she filled me with that I should have tried harder even when I new she was cheating is crazy. I should have never let her come down to my house and be her plan b but I did and I have learned from it. I still have bad days and get upset and so dose my son ,but with Gods help and my family and great people like you I thank we are going to make it.


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## TheTruthHurts

CT that is an awesome recap and I'd love to repost in on so many threads where the BS is hanging onto the dream that is really a nightmare but they are too close to see it!


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## kwood

may I please ask for a little more help for my son. he has always put on a tough guy image when it comes to her but as of late he has been really down. I have him in therpy and he is looking for a collage to go to. I no he is older but he was 15 when I caught her the first time. He is very upset about loosing the home we moved in to when he was 6. and he wonders why we were not good enough for her. when we were togather they had a fight and she told him all the problems in our house was because of him even her cheating. he tired to get her to go to therpy with him in the past but she would not go saying she dose not belive in it. she has done and said a lot of other stuff to him. ijust could use some advive from people with older kids that have been messed up by affairs how do you help them?


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## alte Dame

Your poor son! Your WW is so toxic. I'm so sorry.

Please PM me if you would like some help with the college applications. I work all the time with young people who are struggling and trying to get started with their higher education.

You are right that he needs a good therapist who will help him with his abandonment issues. I think your WW is cognitively deficient in the way she places blame for her actions on everyone but herself. She really screws up your heads.

Here are a few books for you and your son:

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Mom-Too...0&sr=1-2-fkmr1&keywords=toxic+cheating+mother

http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Le...1&keywords=adult+children+of+divorced+parents

The Long Way Home: The Powerful 4-Step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce: M. Gary Neuman: 9780470409220: Amazon.com: Books


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## TheTruthHurts

What a wretched witch! She must be a sociopath! Why the F would she destroy a child???!?

You need to ride this hard or he will be f'd up for life in all his relationships. Had he seem a psychologist? I would want a registered, qualified one who has dealt with domestic abuse. He might have to go very often.


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## turnera

Make an appointment for a good therapist (read reviews) for BOTH of you, and take him with you. Once he gets there, he'll see it's ok and safe and hopefully will want to go back by himself.


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## OldWolf57

K, this woman actually told your son, a 15 yr old, that he was the problem in the marriage. Yet you still force feed her to him.

Dude, if you want him to heal, keep this toxic woman away from him.


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## honcho

kwood said:


> may I please ask for a little more help for my son. he has always put on a tough guy image when it comes to her but as of late he has been really down. I have him in therpy and he is looking for a collage to go to. I no he is older but he was 15 when I caught her the first time. He is very upset about loosing the home we moved in to when he was 6. and he wonders why we were not good enough for her. when we were togather they had a fight and she told him all the problems in our house was because of him even her cheating. he tired to get her to go to therpy with him in the past but she would not go saying she dose not belive in it. she has done and said a lot of other stuff to him. ijust could use some advive from people with older kids that have been messed up by affairs how do you help them?


The affairs didn't mess up your son, your ex messed him up all by herself. 

I grew up with a mother that blamed everything and i mean everything on me for being born. Your son needs distance from her, maybe someday he can attempt some sort of relationship with her but not right now. 

You also need to quit viewing your marriage as some "great" marriage. I could NEVER understand why my father tolerated my mom's behavior she hurt everybody so much. I gave her chance after chance because I watched my dad do that just to get hurt more and more. 

I basically cut both out of my life for a long time which in hindsight wasn't the best answer but the only one I knew at the time. Your son is looking at you for leadership. I know you still have bad days but you need to accept your ex is "whacked" in the head and continue to keep her out of your life.

Find a good therapist for him, one that deals with childhood abuse and not just focus on the affairs. Those frankly are just collateral damage from her nuttiness.


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## GusPolinski

kwood said:


> may I please ask for a little more help for my son. he has always put on a tough guy image when it comes to her but as of late he has been really down. I have him in therpy and he is looking for a collage to go to. I no he is older but he was 15 when I caught her the first time. He is very upset about loosing the home we moved in to when he was 6. and *he wonders why we were not good enough for her.* when we were togather they had a fight and she told him all the problems in our house was because of him even her cheating. he tired to get her to go to therpy with him in the past but she would not go saying she dose not belive in it. she has done and said a lot of other stuff to him. ijust could use some advive from people with older kids that have been messed up by affairs how do you help them?


Tell him that he's got it backwards...

It's she that wasn't good enough for the two (or is it three?) of you.


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## turnera

honcho said:


> The affairs didn't mess up your son, your ex messed him up all by herself.


May I go so far as to say that your wife wasn't the only person who messed up your son.

HE LEARNED TO HATE HIMSELF from YOU. He learned to believe himself UNWORTHY from YOU. He learned that the woman has all the power FROM HOW YOU ACTED - OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I kept telling you this, but you kept welcoming her back in. I TOLD you that he's learning how to be a man (or how NOT to be a man) from HIS FATHER. 

How else is he supposed to be? You TAUGHT him to be a doormat, to let women walk all over him, to have no worth.

Why are you surprised he is now a carbon copy of you?


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## Be smart

I feel sorry for your son.

Now you know why TAM members told you to stop any contact with your wife. She is crazy,she is using you and you allowed all of this.

You son saw different signals from you and his mother and ofc. he is confused. 

How many times did you let her manipulate you and your son saw this and thought ohh,what is going on??? He says one thing then do the other one.

He is now this tough boy,but belive me he is doing it just to protect himself.
It is his defense system.

Talk with him and let him know what is going on. He knows some of the things,but he is 15 years old and he deserves to know the truth,all of it.

You have to do it,because this can cause him a damage for a long time.

Maybe think about finding him a good therapist.


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