# Will you please just leave me alone



## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

After my wife left the house to go to her moms and told me she didn't love me (and not much else) I spiraled out of control. Really bad. But after talking to several people I decided to pick myself up and get on with my life. I made an appointment to see a counselor for MYSELF. I have lost 20lbs due to stress. Turned that into a positive by buying some new clothes. I called every friend I knew who had a divorce and just talked. I was amazed at what I learned. I sat down with a friend who is a legal aid and she downloaded my State's Legal Dissolution and Separation Papers. She explained the steps of going through a divorce and my options about getting a lawyer or filing myself. I can not afford a lawyer (nor can she). My Sons special needs have pushed us to near financial ruin. I need some time to do the paperwork myself. I think it will take about 2 weeks. I found local divorce support groups and plan to go to them next week. Found some special interest groups too, thinking about those but might not be ready for them. Haven't gone to work and don't know if I can return because I'm still not focused but I have 30 days worth of vacation and my boss is cool with me taking the time. I have been working on the house. For too long I have left things I don't like about it nag me. My plan is to fix what I can fix. Get rid of crap that we have collected over 24 years and sell the damn thing.

For the most part I have ignored my wife. I HAVE to communicate with her about financial matters and the children. Just business, No talking, texts or letters about the marriage. If she wants this marriage to end that is on her and I cant control it. My problem now is she won't LEAVE. She keeps coming back to the house and hanging out. I figure she just wants to hang out with the kids. But She keeps inviting me to join them. Asking if I want her to bring food for me. Going to her garden picking vegetables and giving them to me. I will not stand in the way of her and the children (One is 17 the other 22 but has special needs). She is their Mom and I want them to have a healthy relationship with them. She is now staying at her moms which is about 45 miles away. She wanted the kids for the weekend so I agreed to even meet her half way to get them so she wouldn't come to the house. I did not try to engage her at all. As I was about to drive away when she motions me to roll down the window and casually like nothing has happened says, "hey I'll call you tomorrow I would like to watch the soccer game." Ugh! My first reaction is that I will just run errands while she is here. Then I get angry that I'm letting her dictate my actions. It's MY Sunday and I wanted to hang out around the house. I can't let her push me out of the house. She left, she has to deal with the consequences of leaving. Her mom's house has 5 bedrooms. It is okay with me if the kids want to stay out there. It is summer and it is a really nice house.

I wanted to watch the game too! But I don't want to sit on the same damn couch with her! She wants space to, "think" that is fine but She won't give me space to move on. I will have to confront her about boundaries but not looking for the drama. don't want to tip my hand yet about the divorce papers. I need to find out some information on our finances because she has done them the whole marriage. Right now I am focusing on being able to rent a nice little house with my children so they can stay in their schools and be by my family.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes, you need to set boundaries. She wants the break, so she stays out of the house in my opinion. There's bound to be SOME conflict. If there's room for the kids at her mom's house, she takes them there. Go watch the game at a bar tonight if you can't do that. I don't think you should hang out and watch it with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she been like this ever since she gave you the I don't love you speech? That's usually followed up with a "brand new" boyfriend. Just wondering how this all developed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stand up to her. You have to man, even if it means getting a bit ugly. Tell her that you are separated and as far as you are concerned the marriage is over. She dumped you and for that reason you are no longer her friend. You don't desire to be friends with her. 

She feels guilty about the way she left you. This moddle-coddling is her way of alleviating her guilt for splitting up the family. Women are notorious for trying to friend-zone the ex husband. If she can get you to be her friend then that alleviates her guilt. She doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. Don't put up with that garbage. Tell her you will be cordial for the sake of the boys but you will not be her girlfriend.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stop letting her come and go as she pleases. That is precisely why couples develop custody agreements that set out visitation and include a clause that your residence is YOURS, not ours.

You need to tell her that her free-wheeling in and out of the house is not acceptable. Pick a time for her to take the kids. Stick to it. If she doesn't like it, then point out that this is the reality of divorce, which is what she said she wanted. Your home is not her hang-out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You don't dictate her time she should be respective of your time....you tell I have things and leave it at that...let her mind go wandering.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Interesting. And here I was thinking the weight loss and sudden activity getting the house fixed up, organized and decluttered has led her to rethink wanting out.

What were you like before her big announcement? Were you a couch potato? Would she have labeled you a couch potato?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

There comes a point in time when you have to say "NO". If she moved out then she doesn't live there any longer. If she gets her mail at her parents house then that's her place of residence. The next time she says she's coming over, just say no. Get an agreement with visitation with the kids is all fine and dandy but other than that you set up rules and stick to them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your future response to these things? "I have plans." It isn't necessary to explain what they are. You have plans. Period. And they don't include her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It wouldn't be surprising if she is having second thoughts about the divorce and these little antics of hers are her way to get back to your good graces. But that is speculative and not really helpful to your situation, unless of course you are still up for reconciliation and she makes it clear that she wants it as well. You need to ask her if she is willing to R, and if she isn't or gives you a limbo like answer, then you will have your definitive answer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

morituri said:


> It wouldn't be surprising if she is having second thoughts about the divorce and these little antics of hers are her way to get back to your good graces. But that is speculative and not really helpful to your situation, unless of course you are still up for reconciliation and she makes it clear that she wants it as well. You need to ask her if she is willing to R, and if she isn't or gives you a limbo like answer, then you will have your definitive answer.



That's what I was thinking. She doesn't behave like a woman who wants to disconnect. So ask her to clarify her goal. Is she seeking entrance to reconnect the marriage or is she playing with your heart.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She left because that is what she wanted. You have to point out that you are no longer a couple, the only thing in common you have is the kids. Lay out clear boundaries as to how you both interact with the kids, timing, arrangements, etc. You tell her that as you are moving on you will want your privacy from now on and that includes living in your own hom. She has no right to come and go as she pleases, as it is no longer hers (her choice), her home is with her mother. Would a legal separation agreement be any easier for the time being - not familiar with this area.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* 



GusPolinski said:


> Definitely an affair. But hey, at least she was decent enough to stay at her mother's house while involved w/ another man... right?
> 
> Sorry. You're probably not laughing.
> 
> Anyway, if you want to save your marriage, you've got to get out in front of everything. Confront her w/ your knowledge of her involvement w/ OM, and tell her that she needs to either move home and fully commit herself to the reconciliation of your marriage (which obviously would involve her quitting her current job), or that you'll be moving forward w/ divorce.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> *cough*


I'm not seeing an affair here. Other than the time his wife has been "living" at her mother's house, Her nonwork time is completely accounted for. Why would a woman risk her marriage in order to begin an affair? Why would a high powered exec risk her job by using company email to conduct an emotional affair? She wasn't going out all the time, she wasn't going on girls weekends, she wasn't acting like she was in a mid life crisis. None of this makes sense. Affair just doesn't fit.

What does fit is that she is terribly unhappy and doesn't have the first clue about what is wrong so it must be her marriage.

I think OP's daughter is right. The wife is Cra Cra! 

Either that or OP is leaving out a lot of important details.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm not seeing an affair here. Other than the time his wife has been "living" at her mother's house, Her nonwork time is completely accounted for. Why would a woman risk her marriage in order to begin an affair? Why would a high powered exec risk her job by using company email to conduct an emotional affair? She wasn't going out all the time, she wasn't going on girls weekends, she wasn't acting like she was in a mid life crisis. None of this makes sense. Affair just doesn't fit.
> 
> What does fit is that she is terribly unhappy and doesn't have the first clue about what is wrong so it must be her marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes. Because no one ever put their marriage, family, home, career, or health at risk by engaging in an affair... right?!?

LOL.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Yes. Because no one ever put their marriage, family, home, career, or health at risk by engaging in an affair... right?!?
> 
> LOL.


Awe come on Gus, we know there are plenty of examples of people doing all kinds of stupid crazy stuff, that's a given.

What I'm saying is that nothing fits in with what the OP has told us. I'm not suggesting the OP is intentionally not being honest, but I do think there are important details not yet posted that might make all these seemingly incongruous behaviors fit with something categorically.

Right now nothing fits. Affair or distance, neither fit. And as we've seen several times, the woman who sucks about communicating and confronting interpersonal problems up and announces she wants out. But this doesn't even fit because she is behaving like she wants back. Why would she want to come back? Because the things that caused her to fall out of love are being worked on. OP is doing the 180 (getting a life) and is getting in shape.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ti994a68,

The house you are living in is still your wife's legal residence. You can try to tell her that it is not. But she does not have to comply with that. 

If you deny her access, then she can call the police and get you thrown out of the house for preventing her access to her legal residence.

So be careful with all the advice telling you otherwise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was the date when your wife moved out?


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