# Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?



## jlc29316

Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.


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## Hicks

What you need to do is take all your money and put it in accounts where she cannot access it, cancel all your credit cards and all this.
Then see a lawyer and start the process of divorce. Don't leave your home. Keep moving toward divorce until you either become divorced or your wife commits 100% to your marriage.

I have to tell you that you are making a very serious mistake by tolerating your wife having a boyfriend in your marriage. And doing anything other than divorcing her is tolerating it. 

Remember divorce is a process not an event.


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## LostAndContent

Hicks said:


> What you need to do is take all your money and put it in accounts where she cannot access it, cancel all your credit cards and all this.
> Then see a lawyer and start the process of divorce. Don't leave your home. Keep moving toward divorce until you either become divorced or your wife commits 100% to your marriage.
> 
> I have to tell you that you are making a very serious mistake by tolerating your wife having a boyfriend in your marriage. And doing anything other than divorcing her is tolerating it.
> 
> Remember divorce is a process not an event.


:iagree:

Whether you're aiming for R or D, this is the best strategy you could follow. You've already messed up by trying to rugsweep the affair. You've established yourself as a doormat and she knows it. Throw her out and let her see what she's lost. After a few months, when she comes crawling back, you can let her know what YOU need to even consider taking her back.


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## 3putt

Financially, cut her ass off now! Get that done _right now_, then come back.


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## Shaggy

Good start with the exposure, you just chose to give her trust when she didn't deserve it.

Now for the future.

1. Cut off her access to money. Cancel joint credit cards, stop your pay going into any joint accounts etc.

2. More exposure. Post the OM on cheaterville.com

3. Post details of the OM on Facebook and in an email to friends and family, and to his friends and family.

4. File for D to let her know you are serious. See she doesn't think you are serious because she IS fully getting away with it. You are upset, you are her go to MC, but she's still fully in the affair. She is fully getting away with having sex and then coming home, using your money on this guy and then coming home.

Cut off the money
Stop accepting her coming home so nicely.
While you can't kick her out of your home, you can pack her bag and drop it off at the front door of the OM next time and every time she goes to him.
You can collect. The lingerie and sexy clothes she wears for him and throw then in the garbage.

The only time you made any progress us when you stood up to her. Then you stopped and she happily became a blatant cake eater.

Also, stop the MC completely until the OMs gone. It's a total waste of money. She has no intention of fixing the marriage. None at all. Her focus is giving sex to the OM, and MC is just like school detention to her, just the price she pays to get to continue cheating on you.

Oh, and if you are still having sex with her, stop immediately. Do you really want to have sloppy seconds?


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## barbados

jlc29316 said:


> The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.



All I can say is why in the world would you even want her back at this point ?

I would start D ASAP. IMO, her behavior is so terrible that anything else just doesn't make sense.

Your children need to see their father be a strong man who does not tolerate being a doormat for a cheating Wife.


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## Almostrecovered

she already pulled the plug


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## LetDownNTX

Hicks gives good advice, you should follow it. Until you show her that you're not going to tolerate it anymore nothing is going to change. You can possibly shock her out of the affair and back into reality by filing for a divorce (you dont have to follow through if she does a 180) but let her know you are done with the way things have been and you're not going to tolerate it anymore. And separate your finances, you are financing her affair!


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## Jasel

Damn sorry I posted the wrong advice in the wrong thread. Ya these stories are depressingly similar


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## Vanguard

It's incredible how every story is the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike

You need to take some firm steps to pull your wife out of the fog. 

Tell her to get an STD test and you get the results. Get yourself tested as well

File for D and have her served (you do not have to go all the way with it)

Tell her to give you her phone to review right now, demand all usernames and passwords for everything now.

I know this is the hard part but if she says no to any of this tell her to get the F out, I know you have kids but she has already left you and the kids

Expose the A to her family and your friends. Does the POS have a wife or GF? Let them know

Read the 180 and get it started


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## mahike

WhiteMousse said:


> It's incredible how every story is the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is out of the cheaters playbook


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## mahike

By the way is cell phone in your name? Yes turn it off!


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## Cubby

Stop allowing her to spend your money on the POSOM. 
Stop focusing on giving your wife more attention and all that 'relationship-y' crap. 
Stop being so tolerant.
Your behavior and actions so far have been weak. Did you know women despise weak men?

She needs a huge jolt. Like you filing for divorce. That's a strong, decisive action. She'll respect you more for that than you allowing her to be with POSOM. 

And I agree with others...post that POSOM to Cheaterville NOW.


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## the guy

dude if you don't protect your family finacially your WW drive you into the poor house.

You need to turn her cell off and find out who this OM is and contact his family and expose it. 

What part of the family knows about the affair?

When exposing to other always ask for thier support in the marriage.

You need to start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

Start by confronting her each and every time she is incontact with OM infront of you. Walk up to her and tell her to take this convdersation over to the OM house and inform her that her leaving will be considered abanddonment and she will need to stay with the OM.....do this when she is on the phone with OM...let him hear that she is now cut off and she is the OM problem.

your wife and the OM are taking you for a ride so stop tolorating it and have the confidence to let her go.

I have a feeling that once she is cut off from you and now the OM has this ball and chain he will dumb her.

So take everything, her phone her car, and let the OM have her. Once you find the OM and were he lives, you should drive your wife over there and tell her to get out( tell her you are both going to the store she won't need her keys)...She may not get out of the car, but it is a strong statement that will show her that being with the OM will leave her with nothing.

In addittion just knowing that you now know were the OM lives will scare the crap out of both of them.

So do your research make your plan and work the plan.

Your plan should include know your enemy, exposure, tough love, and the perception of being able to let her go.

All these tactic may sound like you are giving her to the OM, but when you show her the confidence you in no longer tolorating her crap she will start to seriously think about what she is about to loose.
Hell once you find out more about the OM and were he leaves, tell the family you are all going to the store, then drop them all off at the OM house.

Again a tactic that will show her the reality of her current actions...and the baggage the OM is in for.

Make no mistake, I'm not suggesting you drop them off with a boozer, but the visuel statement that your wifes fantasy will have consequenses if it continues. 

Her sitting in the car looking at her family infront of OM house would have a strong impact on her new reality.

See this tactic bring this fantasy she hase to reality and it show the OM that there is more here then banging some married chick...that this married chick has kids and a family.

I have a feeling the OM lives close by....typically the OM lives hours and mile away, but since I believe he is close, this tactic will shine a reality on tho her fantasy.

Again not suggesting you drop your whole family off but pulling up to OM place will make a strong statement!


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## the guy

WhiteMousse said:


> It's incredible how every story is the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya they are all the same, it the ones that have a confident betrayed spouse that won't take sh1t that get out of this alive!

The ones that site on the fence like OP has for the last few month are the ones that deal with there wifes talking to their boyfriend right in front of them.


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## mahike

If you have access to the cell bill you will have his number. There are a number of websites that can tell you who the owner of the phone is.

You should also put a keylogger on the computer and you can also put a GPS and VAR in her car.


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## the guy

I went through this crap 3 years ago...you can't nice your way out, you can't control your wayward wife, but you can stop tolorating this behavior by calmly letting the wayward go with tough love and swift consequences.

I mean we can make accuse after accuse about why she needs money or has to have a cell phone, or why they need car insurance...but thats why it called tough love....its tougher on the one that has to dish ot out then the one that has to recieve it.

Start making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable


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## the guy

mahike said:


> If you have access to the cell bill you will have his number. There are a number of websites that can tell you who the owner of the phone is.
> 
> You should also put a keylogger on the computer and you can also put a GPS and VAR in her car.


:iagree:

Even though this gear is not to catch her....she is already caught, this gear will keep you two steps ahead of the WW and if or when she makes a commitment to stopping all contact with OM these tyoes of spy gear will confirm or unconfirm what she is telling you versus her actions.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

Next time she asks for money, tell her know and that you're saving for a DNA test to establish paternity since she has proven untrustworthy. Tell her if she objects/refuses you will get a court order. That alone will most likely make her think twice when she asks for $$$ once you cut her off.

Cancel the phone and tell to carry it since it's still good for '911' calls.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

your wife has bf she is sharing along with you and you are tolerating it? 

You are setting the bar pretty low here.

get a gf yourself and kick her out


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## bryanp

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See an attorney immediately to understand your options.

She continues to humiliate and disrespect your in the worst possible way. If you don't respect yourself then who will?


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## jlc29316

This is all new to me, well I guess thats the obvious.

What should be my first action? I mean, I'm with all of you and am going to pull the plug.

I need some advice.


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## badmemory

jlc29316 said:


> This is all new to me, well I guess thats the obvious.
> 
> What should be my first action? I mean, I'm with all of you and am going to pull the plug.
> 
> I need some advice.


You should sit her down and tell her - that after thoughtful consideration, I am not willing to live in an open marriage. You have 5 minutes to decide whether it's him or me. If you can't decide, I'll take that as it's him, and I'll be proceeding with divorce paperwork. No MC, straight to divorce. Then do the 180 on her (find the link).

Assuming she can't or won't decide, do exactly what you tell her you're going to do. See an attorney and get things rolling. If she does turn around and agrees to all the things that you demand, either now or later, you can always stop the divorce. If that happens, check back here for further advice on what actions a remorseful spouse should "demonstrate" and what you should do to monitor her.

All that's assuming you still want to R now or later. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you didn't.


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## Acabado

Please man. Wake up. Show some self respect.
Get her stuff and dump it at OM's. Kick her out.
File for D.
Stop the MC nonsense already.


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## Cubby

jlc29316 said:


> This is all new to me, well I guess thats the obvious.
> 
> What should be my first action? I mean, I'm with all of you and am going to pull the plug.
> 
> I need some advice.


Yes, this isn't the kind of situation anyone prepares you for, so it's normal to flounder around doing many things wrong. A lot of the advice you'll get will appear counterintuitive, but you're going to have to trust the good folks here who've seen it all.
You'll never get better advice than this forum.


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## PHTlump

jlc29316 said:


> This is all new to me, well I guess thats the obvious.
> 
> What should be my first action? I mean, I'm with all of you and am going to pull the plug.
> 
> I need some advice.


I would start visiting lawyers. The first visit is frequently a free introduction. You can give your overall situation and the lawyer can tell you what he thinks. Go to several to find the one you like best.

After this, you need to decide whether you want to divorce, or whether you want to reconcile. If you want to divorce, then don't tell your wife anything. Remain totally silent. Let the divorce papers be a nice surprise for her.

If you want to reconcile, then you could tell her your plans to divorce. She may, or may not believe you. But you have to make it plain that you're pulling away from her. Sometimes, that will cause disloyal spouses to wake up and recommit to the marriage.

Either way, you should run the 180 on her. This will help you distance yourself emotionally.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Also, work on yourself. Get into the gym. Play with your kids. Work on some hobbies. Get back to being a happier version of yourself. Your wife may be attracted enough to the new, old you that she abandons her boyfriend. If not, you will be more attractive to the women you will soon be dating.

Good luck.


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## donny64

> She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad.


Blameshifting right from the start. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't of made her mad...right? Instead of owning up to it, and that she was LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE to screw this guy, she puts it on you. And guaranteed, THAT night was NOT the first night she did him.



> So take everything, her phone her car, and let the OM have her. Once you find the OM and were he lives, you should drive your wife over there and tell her to get out( tell her you are both going to the store she won't need her keys)...She may not get out of the car, but it is a strong statement that will show her that being with the OM will leave her with nothing.
> 
> In addittion just knowing that you now know were the OM lives will scare the crap out of both of them.
> 
> So do your research make your plan and work the plan.
> 
> Your plan should include know your enemy, exposure, tough love, and the perception of being able to let her go.
> 
> All these tactic may sound like you are giving her to the OM, but when you show her the confidence you in no longer tolorating her crap she will start to seriously think about what she is about to loose.
> Hell once you find out more about the OM and were he leaves, tell the family you are all going to the store, then drop them all off at the OM house.
> 
> Again a tactic that will show her the reality of her current actions...and the baggage the OM is in for.


This. Stop enabling her. Stop showing her you think so low of yourself that you'll tolerate this. "Give her" to the OM, and let their fantasy world come crashing down around them.

If I was her, I wouldn't stop banging the OM either. You've given her no reason to stop. She's "cake eating", with your blessing. She has the best of both worlds...someone to take care of her financially, support her in daily "messy life", and someone else to take care of her excitement, sexual, and romantic needs. And you're allowing it.


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## The Middleman

I don't have time for a long answer but "Should I pull the plug on the marriage?" Yes, if you have any self respect for yourself, you would. She is worthless poison.


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## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> I need some advice.


Since no one has really said it straightforward, stop blaming yourself. That "I started being a better husband" is an old refrain from people who still blame themselves. If I had a dollar for every time that was trotted out, I'd be rich and be able to pay for all BS's legal fees.

Put your foot down. You can't control the person, but you can control the boundaries.

You want to be with me and talk to him? NO, me or him.
You want to talk to him in my house? NO, me or him.
You want to stay in this house and marriage? Zero contact letter, Zero contact or him.

You can't hedge or capitulate no matter how much it hurts you. She doesn't respect you. You made all of these changes, FOR HER, which you should have done for yourself and she spits on your hard work every time she contacts the other man.


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## jlc29316

Nevermind the fact she left me high and dry on Valentine's night.

Well, at this point, I'm jaded, weakened, and weary. Any further energy spent will not be on saving this marriage. I've let this go on for three months. I've been spit on, this marriage has been spit on, the children have been spit on, and my work ethic has been spit on.

What I need to know now, is, even though the affair is so blatant and put right in front of me, what kind of concrete evidence will I need? I don't have much. And I'm afraid if I throw out my desire for a divorce now, what if she ends it with this guy? I just want to make sure I make the right moves in the right order.

Does this make sense?


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## Jasel

Sorry if I missed something, haven't read the whole thread but why do you need concrete evidence to file for divorce if you know what's going on?


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## ArmyofJuan

jlc29316 said:


> What I need to know now, is, even though the affair is so blatant and put right in front of me, what kind of concrete evidence will I need? I don't have much. And I'm afraid if I throw out my desire for a divorce now, what if she ends it with this guy? I just want to make sure I make the right moves in the right order.
> 
> Does this make sense?


You don't need evidence for an A to get a D, most states don't care.

You have been enabling the affair all this time and she will stay like this forever until you do something. If/When she tell her you want a D and file she will make all kinds of promises to end the A but she won't actually do it until the D become real to her (and maybe not even then). She is not going to walk away from the OM on her own.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, you need to put your foot down and prepare to be an a-hole to her if need be. Let her know R is not an option (whether you want it or not, you have to make her change your mind) anymore. Ironically the more you try to get away from her to more she will try to pursue you. Being "nice" to her at this stage repulses her.

tl;dr: She will most likely end the A when you try to end the M.


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## jlc29316

Well I do need evidence to prove the affair...a while back she said she said she'd admit to it, but you know how that goes. I don't trust her at all.
Lol...I did play that nice game. Worthless game.


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## jlc29316

Both families already know about it, but they thought we were working on things. So you say I should tell them that she continues to see him and we are done?


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## Jasel

jlc29316 said:


> Well I do need evidence to prove the affair...a while back she said she said she'd admit to it, but you know how that goes. I don't trust her at all.
> Lol...I did play that nice game. Worthless game.


Okay I'm still confused. You KNOW she was having an affair. What do you need evidence for??? "Awhile back she said she'd admit to it." Which means there's something to admit to. So I ask again, what do you need evidence for???

Sorry but it sounds like she still has you playing worthless games.


Also you can file for divorce and try getting evidence at the same time.


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## Cubby

jlc29316 said:


> What I need to know now, is, even though the affair is so blatant and put right in front of me, what kind of concrete evidence will I need? I don't have much. And I'm afraid if I throw out my desire for a divorce now, what if she ends it with this guy? I just want to make sure I make the right moves in the right order.
> 
> Does this make sense?


If (should be 'when') you file for divorce and she ends it with the POSOM, you have plenty of time to cancel the divorce, if that's what you want. 

I would hope, though, that you would only stop it if she shows genuine remorse and some heavy, heavy lifting. Obviously no contact with the POSOM for one thing. We can give you guidance later if she wants to reconcile. 

But don't worry about that now. Now you should have a laser-sharp focus on showing her you're the kind of man who won't take the kind of crap she's been giving you.


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## illwill

No woman wants a weak man. You are failing as a father, because money to feed them is going to her boyfriend. Seperate finances. See a lawyer. Tell her to decide now. Do this today. No more of this pathetic crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> This is all new to me, well I guess thats the obvious.
> 
> What should be my first action? I mean, I'm with all of you and am going to pull the plug.
> 
> I need some advice.


Before you decide whether you want to go for R or for D I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read.


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## Cubby

jlc29316 said:


> Both families already know about it, but they thought we were working on things. So you say I should tell them that she continues to see him and we are done?


YES!!! She's a cake-eater. She gets to have a boyfriend and a husband who financially supports her. What kind of husband would put up with that? You need to look in the mirror and ask if you're proud of yourself. Don't you respect yourself? If you don't, who will?


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## jlc29316

I don't even think a decision is in the cards now...I'm pretty much done.

Wow I feel like crap now...thanks guys and gals. I deserve more. I just cannot fatham someone that has worked as hard as I have could be treated so poorly. Its just not in my DNA. I guess that's why I've let it go on for so long.


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## Toffer

"Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy"

Torn? No she's not! She is still seeing him and she's not married to HIM! She's not torn at all. She knows what she wants. She wants you to continue to provide food, shelter and money! You my friend are being used as an ATM for her Fvck buddy

For the love of God man, turn off the cash flow now!


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## Cubby

And this woman you love...it's so hard to believe it's happening to you is because she's in what's called the 'fog.' So it's not really the woman you know because when you're starting out in an affair, or a new relationship, you get shots of a chemical called dopamine (and some other chemicals) It's a feel-good chemical, the same as what drug-users experience. Highly addictive. And the fact that sex with the POSOM is forbidden, just increases the thrill factor.

She knows what she's doing isn't right, but that takes a backseat to her addictive high. So she'll rationalize any way she can to get more 'hits.' She'll criticize you, make you out to be the bad guy...anything, just to keep the fantasy going. 

And a fantasy is what it is. No bills to pay, no screaming kids, no dirty underwear to clean. 

Meanwhile, you're left wondering 'what did I do wrong?' While everyone has their faults, your wife's affair is 100 percent her fault. She cheated, you didn't. You can claim 50 percent responsibility to the state of your marriage, but 0 percent for her cheating.


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## jlc29316

Toffer said:


> "Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy"
> 
> Torn? No she's not! She is still seeing him and she's not married to HIM! She's not torn at all. She knows what she wants. She wants you to continue to provide food, shelter and money! You my friend are being used as an ATM for her Fvck buddy
> 
> For the love of God man, turn off the cash flow now!


I GET IT! I'M AN IDIOT! LOL
But seriously I do.


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## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> I don't even think a decision is in the cards now...I'm pretty much done.
> 
> Wow I feel like crap now...thanks guys and gals. I deserve more. I just cannot fatham someone that has worked as hard as I have could be treated so poorly. Its just not in my DNA. I guess that's why I've let it go on for so long.


If you are truely ready to just get a divorce then get a divorce.

Don't tell her what you are doing.. some people have already given you the step...

Either find a relative who will let you store things at their place or rent a small storage unit. I'll call this your safe place. Get a PO box.

Go open bank accounts in your name only. Use the relative's address or your PO Box as the address for this. If your pay is auto deposited fill out the papers at work to have it go to your new account.

Interview attornies, find one you like and file for divorce.

Get copies of all personal paperwork (included on your wife and children) and financial papers and store them in your safe place. Remove your valuable possessions from the house and put them in your self place... so your wife cannot sell them.

Do not move out of the home your children are in. If she does not want to share a house after she is served, she can move out without the children.


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## badmemory

jlc29316 said:


> Well I do need evidence to prove the affair...a while back she said she said she'd admit to it, but you know how that goes. I don't trust her at all.
> Lol...I did play that nice game. Worthless game.


If she admitted to the affair, you don't need any more evidence unless you live in one of the few states where infidelity matters in divorce proceedings. And even then, it might not be worth it to you to pay extra money to a divorce attorney.

If you've made your mind up, no need to worry about that anymore. Completely expose with what you have and move on.


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## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> Both families already know about it, but they thought we were working on things. So you say I should tell them that she continues to see him and we are done?


Yes tell them that she continues to see him.

Does this OM have a wife or anyone else in his life? Exposing him to his family is important too.


----------



## Jasel

If you're trying to expose though (or further expose) you definitely need concrete proof for that. Otherwise it's just he said she said, and cheaters can lie with the best of them.


----------



## jlc29316

EleGirl said:


> Yes tell them that she continues to see him.
> 
> Does this OM have a wife or anyone else in his life? Exposing him to his family is important too.


He does not. He's just a drunk guy that was living in his friend's storage building in the back.


----------



## jlc29316

Let me clarify that we do not have joint accounts. She asked me for some money a few weeks ago and I gave it to her.


----------



## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> He does not. He's just a drunk guy that was living in his friend's storage building in the back.


Wow, her picking this guy tells you what her self image is. Maybe she can move into the storage building with him.

What state do you live in. It's not California is it?


----------



## jlc29316

EleGirl said:


> Wow, her picking this guy tells you what her self image is. Maybe she can move into the storage building with him.
> 
> What state do you live in. It's not California is it?


South Carolina.


----------



## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> Let me clarify that we do not have joint accounts. She asked me for some money a few weeks ago and I gave it to her.


Do not give her any more money. Make sure that here is food in the house so she can eat. She does not need cash as she will be giving it to the drunk.

I cannot help but think that your wife has been going through some kind of serious mental health issues. Her hooking up with is man is a bad sign.

Has anyone really done anything to find out what, besides an affair, is going on with her? She might very well need some serious help.


----------



## jlc29316

JustPuzzled said:


> Was it enough money to affect your finances in a serious way? Did she offer a reason for needing the money?


Not much, just enough to get through the week with gas and such. She's always been good with managing her money, so I know the reason she went broke.


----------



## jlc29316

EleGirl said:


> Do not give her any more money. Make sure that here is food in the house so she can eat. She does not need cash as she will be giving it to the drunk.
> 
> I cannot help but think that your wife has been going through some kind of serious mental health issues. Her hooking up with is man is a bad sign.
> 
> Has anyone really done anything to find out what, besides an affair, is going on with her? She might very well need some serious help.


There is an underlying issue with her and reasoning for it being this guy, but I'd rather not disclose it on here.


----------



## thatgirll007

The moment I got clear with myself after finding out about my exH's affair/waffling about leaving was when I stopped putting him first and put myself first.

Think of it like this. It's sink or swim. Life or death. You or her. 

Which do you choose? 

I always, constantly choose me - and that means I don't put up with bs, from anybody for any reason. 

So, expose what you have to, move what you have to, do whatever it is you have to do to be a man who can look in the mirror in the morning with clear eyes and conscience. The only person who is going to look out for you is you.


----------



## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> South Carolina.


You do need absolute, unrefutable proof of adultry if you live in South Carolina...

A spouse’s adultery is generally an absolute bar to alimony. See S.C. Code Ann. § 20-3-130(A) (“No alimony may be awarded a spouse who commits adultery before the earliest of these two events: (1) the formal signing of a written property or marital settlement agreement or (2) entry of a permanent order of separate maintenance and support or of a permanent order approving a property or marital settlement agreement between the parties.”).

However, adultery that has been condoned–conditionally forgiven–or is the result of connivance, does not act as a bar to an award of alimony. Recrimination, the defense that both parties are guilty of the same fault-divorce ground, does not remove adultery’s bar to alimony. See, Spires v. Spires, 296 S.C. 422, 373 S.E.2d 


In South Carolina, How Does Adultery Affect Alimony? | Gregory Forman, Attorney at Law - Charleston Divorce, Custody, Family Law, and Support

So far your actions of staying with her while you know of your adultry could be considered you forgiving it. 

Please see an attorney and find out what proof you need of her adulty. She has been a dependent SAHM for a long time. You could owe her a lot of alimony for a long time. 

Don't tell her your plans. Word on getting what you need before you tip her off.


----------



## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> There is an underlying issue with her and reasoning for it being this guy, but I'd rather not disclose it on here.


That's fine, you don't need to disclose it. Is there someone in her family who can get her to get the help she needs?


----------



## 3putt

jlc29316 said:


> South Carolina.


Oh dude...lower the boom on her. You have all the ammo in your pocket being in SC. File on grounds of adultery, name the POSOM in the papers, and have him subpoenaed for testimony as well. Also, go for full custody of the kids.

You could even use the threat of having them arrested if you want. Adultery is still a felony here in SC (although it hasn't been prosecuted in 20 years). It wouldn't stick, but you could scare the bejesus out of them.

Use your tools. Most folks around here would love to have the weapons that are at your disposal right now.

ETA: Definitely get your proof first. Shouldn't be that difficult.


----------



## Suspecting

jlc29316 said:


> There is an underlying issue with her and reasoning for it being this guy, but I'd rather not disclose it on here.


Who knows, they might be doing drugs. Maybe the reason she asks money to buy from him or his buddies.


----------



## jlc29316

Suspecting said:


> Who knows, they might be doing drugs. Maybe the reason she asks money to buy from him or his buddies.


No drugs involved. I'd bet on that, other than alcohol.


----------



## jlc29316

Keyloggers...where can I find one? Are the ones free online any good? I used to know her facebook password but she changed it. I got a lot of evidence through private messages on there.


----------



## 3putt

jlc29316 said:


> Keyloggers...where can I find one? Are the ones free online any good? I used to know her facebook password but she changed it. I got a lot of evidence through private messages on there.


Here's one you can try. Haven't personally used it though.

Wolfeye Keylogger - CNET Download.com


----------



## EleGirl

jlc29316 said:


> Keyloggers...where can I find one? Are the ones free online any good? I used to know her facebook password but she changed it. I got a lot of evidence through private messages on there.


Do you share a computer with her? Of does she have her own? 

Is it password protected? Is it easy for you to get access to this computer?


----------



## jlc29316

EleGirl said:


> Do you share a computer with her? Of does she have her own?
> 
> Is it password protected? Is it easy for you to get access to this computer?


She rarely gets on there, except for facebook sometimes. She said something about downloading some old pics to facebook, so if I can get a keylogger I can get her password.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Get a VAR and keep it with you and record your conversations with her. 

You need to document everything, conversations etc. 

Let her parents, family, friends know that she is having an affair and has left her children for you to raise.

You have to put away the Nice Guy Persona and be Cold to her. Only talk to her about the children, there is nothing else you need to talk to her about because she has checked out of the marriage.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> No drugs involved. I'd bet on that, other than alcohol.


Look at you thread title and then take back your bet. You do not know this person anymore.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

I haven't read through all the posts but one thing is clear. She has complete control. She is making you do all the lifting while holding the carrot out there that she might leave her OM if you do. Take control. File for divorce. If you need hard evidence, find it.


----------



## jlc29316

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I haven't read through all the posts but one thing is clear. She has complete control. She is making you do all the lifting while holding the carrot out there that she might leave her OM if you do. Take control. File for divorce. If you need hard evidence, find it.


Not for long, my friend, not for long.


----------



## Hicks

You don't need evidence to prove to yourself what you already know. Evidence is needed fro people to prove an affair if they are questoinoing it. Regariding the legal grounds for divorce and what you need, that is a question for your lawyer.


----------



## jlc29316

So let me throw something else in the mix...after I found out about the affair, I went through a period of mixed emotions. One of those emotions is going out and trying to force myself into forgetting about her.
I shouldn't have done it, but I went over to an old friend's house, a girl, and we kissed. She found out about it but this was back in January. I don't even contact this said girl anymore.


----------



## Entropy3000

One Hand -- Wife has been banging another guy for months.

Other Hand -- You kissed a girl.

Ok so what?


----------



## jlc29316

Entropy3000 said:


> One Hand -- Wife has been banging another guy for months.
> 
> Other Hand -- You kissed a girl.
> 
> Ok so what?


I'm a person of high morals, I just felt dirty doing it. Even though it's harmless compared to what going on with her.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> , and we kissed. She found out about it but this was back in January. I don't even contact this said girl anymore.


Why did you stop?


----------



## illwill

Get your proof and she will likely end it. Make sure you have conditions before u take her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Why did you stop?


Not attracted to her. I just forced myself to do it.


----------



## Entropy3000

jlc29316 said:


> I'm a person of high morals, I just felt dirty doing it. Even though it's harmless compared to what going on with her.


I get that. Ok so you feel dirty.


----------



## jlc29316

Wow...I just broke down. How can she do this to me after all I did?!

Do these outbursts go away over time?


----------



## Racer

jlc29316 said:


> Wow...I just broke down. How can she do this to me after all I did?!
> 
> Do these outbursts go away over time?


Yes... think of it as a mourning period in your life; the death of this marriage.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> Not attracted to her. I just forced myself to do it.


Did you get caught or admit what you did?


----------



## cantthinkstraight

3putt said:


> Use your tools. _*Most folks around here would love to have the weapons that are at your disposal right now*_.


Me me me me me me !!!!!!

*Drop the hammer on this cake eater.
*
The sooner, the better.

Plan it out just as you would a battle plan and
then attack from all angles, with *everything* you've got.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

jlc29316 said:


> So let me throw something else in the mix...after I found out about the affair, I went through a period of mixed emotions. One of those emotions is going out and trying to force myself into forgetting about her.
> I shouldn't have done it, but I went over to an old friend's house, a girl, and we kissed. She found out about it but this was back in January. I don't even contact this said girl anymore.


Here we go...


----------



## cantthinkstraight

jlc29316 said:


> I'm a person of high morals, I just felt dirty doing it. Even though it's harmless compared to what going on with her.


.. while she does it TO feel dirty.

Get what I'm saying?


----------



## walkonmars

You need to see a lawyer ASAP. It could be that because you knew about her affair and have had sex with her after knowing it (have you?) you may be viewed legally as having forgiven or condoned her actions. So be wary. 

On another point (not that it matters much). You said she started the affair the night she left after the manufactured spat. I think she started the night of the GNO. That's when you first noticed changes in her. So that's the most likely time they got intimate in some way. 

Watch yourself and protect yourself. Get to the family law practice ASAP.


----------



## Will_Kane

Are you still living with her?

Do you still have sex with her?

She is a stay-at-home mom?

You mentioned the "gut feeling" started after she went out with her friends for drinks. Did she meet other man in a bar? Did she know him before?

What does other man do for a living? How old?

What is her reason for being with him? Physical attraction? Love?

You mentioned her wanting to take care of him. That does not seem to jive with meeting a stranger in a bar.


----------



## Will_Kane

Every betrayed husband who posts here, even when they say they definitely want to divorce, don't really want to divorce.

If you wanted to divorce, it would be easy enough, you just go to see a lawyer.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you fight for it, and not be trying to be a nicer guy. More on this in a later post.

I think carrying on the affair right in your face is the ultimate in cruelty. I can't help but feel when I hear of this kind of situation, where the cheating is rubbed in the betrayed's face, that the cheater has a lot of deep anger for the betrayed. 

What does her end of the conversation sound like when she talks to him in front of you? Does she tell him she loves him? Talk baby talk to him? Sex talk? Does she tell you when she's going out to see him?


----------



## TDSC60

In South Carolina (I'm in Columbia) alimony is not the norm. You will probably get a 50/50 split of marital assets and debt. If children are involved and you end up with shared custody, you may be paying child support to her or her to you (depending on how much each of you make at your respective jobs).

I had a friend who recently divorce his wife because of her adultery. His wife was a Stay-at-home-Mom. They had three kids. They have shared custody. He pays $1100 per month child support (total) and $0 alimony. The required waiting period of 1 year was waived because of the adultery and the divorce was finalized in three months.

Get a VAR. Lead her into a conversation about her affair. Record it. You will have enough to prove adultery in her own voice if you cannot recover the FB message or emails.

But you absolutely do need to consult an attorney since every situation is different.

Time to have her served. Good luck.


----------



## warlock07

Does your wife work? 

How did your wife meet the OM?


----------



## Subi

Some women are really really lucky!!!!!!!!


----------



## jlc29316

Well, if you want an update, here you go...

She set her homeless boyfriend up with a place to stay last night, because he has nowhere else to go, but I'm not supposed to know that, but I do. Using her money, the money she is supposed to use to buy groceries. I knew the inevitable was going to happen last night. She wanted to start an argument last night about anything, because I was giving her no response to anything. She kept asking me, "do you want me to leave?". I said' "do whatever you want, I know you want to." Well after this went back and forth for a while, she said she was leaving. I told her if she left it was over. She hesitated for a while trying to talk to me, but eventually left.

So I guess its officially over now.


----------



## Jasel

jlc29316 said:


> Well, if you want an update, here you go...
> 
> She set her homeless boyfriend up with a place to stay last night, because he has nowhere else to go, but I'm not supposed to know that, but I do. Using her money, the money she is supposed to use to buy groceries. I knew the inevitable was going to happen last night. She wanted to start an argument last night about anything, because I was giving her no response to anything. She kept asking me, "do you want me to leave?". I said' "do whatever you want, I know you want to." Well after this went back and forth for a while, she said she was leaving. I told her if she left it was over. She hesitated for a while trying to talk to me, but eventually left.
> 
> So I guess its officially over now.


Officially over is when you file for divorce and it's finalized.

Sorry to hear about that though. Good job standing firm.


----------



## Cubby

jlc, now you have to stand firm. Realistically, how long will she stay with homeless POSOM? She'll come back to you soon, begging forgiveness. Just remember how she's treated you the last several months, and that you clearly gave her a choice, and she left you. Now you know the true character of your wife.


----------



## Hicks

Leave her belongings in a plastic bag and change the locks on your doors.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> Well, if you want an update, here you go...
> 
> She set her homeless boyfriend up with a place to stay last night, because he has nowhere else to go, but I'm not supposed to know that, but I do. Using her money, the money she is supposed to use to buy groceries. I knew the inevitable was going to happen last night. She wanted to start an argument last night about anything, because I was giving her no response to anything. She kept asking me, "do you want me to leave?". I said' "do whatever you want, I know you want to." Well after this went back and forth for a while, she said she was leaving. I told her if she left it was over. She hesitated for a while trying to talk to me, but eventually left.
> 
> So I guess its officially over now.


I like how she flipped the issue onto you:
Calling other man.
Sex escapades with other man.
Set other man up to her own detriment.
Using YOUR money to hep other man.

Yet, she Has nerve enough to ask "Do you want me to leave?"

Before you defend her, you gave her gas and money to eat because she went broke helping the idiot. Yes, your help ENABLED her to give more money to him.

She's your wife and I understand, but don't rationalize it away as "her money."


----------



## jlc29316

I'm not making any moves until I speak to an attorney.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

You're in South Carolina. You're one of the fortunate ones because S.C. isn't a "progressive state" meaning it's still a fault state.

So you need to do a few things.
1. Don't let on that you're going to Divorce.
2. Speak to an attorney, actually meet with the 5 best attorneys in your area (you take them off the market from your wife being able to use them because you've already consulted with them).
3. Hire a P.I. and get concrete proof.

Because S.C. is a fault state, (there are 4 faults, physical abuse, adultery, substance abuse and abandonment), the divorce will strongly swing in your favor.

Just be prepared for her attorny to paint you as the worst possible husband because there are defenses to fault divorces as well.


----------



## tom67

Cut off the finances and stop enabling her it's called tough love.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

EleGirl said:


> You do need absolute, unrefutable proof of adultry if you live in South Carolina...
> 
> A spouse’s adultery is generally an absolute bar to alimony. See S.C. Code Ann. § 20-3-130(A) (“No alimony may be awarded a spouse who commits adultery before the earliest of these two events: (1) the formal signing of a written property or marital settlement agreement or (2) entry of a permanent order of separate maintenance and support or of a permanent order approving a property or marital settlement agreement between the parties.”).
> 
> However, adultery that has been condoned–conditionally forgiven–or is the result of connivance, does not act as a bar to an award of alimony. Recrimination, the defense that both parties are guilty of the same fault-divorce ground, does not remove adultery’s bar to alimony. See, Spires v. Spires, 296 S.C. 422, 373 S.E.2d
> 
> 
> In South Carolina, How Does Adultery Affect Alimony? | Gregory Forman, Attorney at Law - Charleston Divorce, Custody, Family Law, and Support
> 
> So far your actions of staying with her while you know of your adultry could be considered you forgiving it.
> 
> Please see an attorney and find out what proof you need of her adulty. She has been a dependent SAHM for a long time. You could owe her a lot of alimony for a long time.
> 
> Don't tell her your plans. Word on getting what you need before you tip her off.


Haha, Elegirl nailed it better than I.


----------



## tom67

Dad&Hubby said:


> You're in South Carolina. You're one of the fortunate ones because S.C. isn't a "progressive state" meaning it's still a fault state.
> 
> So you need to do a few things.
> 1. Don't let on that you're going to Divorce.
> 2. Speak to an attorney, actually meet with the 5 best attorneys in your area (you take them off the market from your wife being able to use them because you've already consulted with them).
> 3. Hire a P.I. and get concrete proof.
> 
> Because S.C. is a fault state, (there are 4 faults, physical abuse, adultery, substance abuse and abandonment), the divorce will strongly swing in your favor.
> 
> Just be prepared for her attorny to paint you as the worst possible husband because there are defenses to fault divorces as well.


Do this!:iagree:


----------



## jlc29316

Just had a phone conversation with her...she took the day off of work and is out grocery shopping.
So I had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out at her about this guy using her as an ATM to have a place to stay.
She carries on the conversations as if she doesn't think I will make a move...maybe its time to prove her wrong?


----------



## tom67

jlc29316 said:


> Just had a phone conversation with her...she took the day off of work and is out grocery shopping.
> So I had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out at her about this guy using her as an ATM to have a place to stay.
> She carries on the conversations as if she doesn't think I will make a move...maybe its time to prove her wrong?


Yes my friend you know it is time,sorry.


----------



## jlc29316

Tonight has turned into family movie night for us and the kids....I'm confused. As far as I know she has not contacted him today, she told him she was exhausted with the whole thing.

Am I being foolish?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Yes it's foolish to lose your rage and disdain for the situation.


----------



## tom67

jlc29316 said:


> Tonight has turned into family movie night for us and the kids....I'm confused. As far as I know she has not contacted him today, she told him she was exhausted with the whole thing.
> 
> Am I being foolish?


Are the finances separated yet? Then you will have your answer.


----------



## Hicks

yes, you are being fooling.
The only thing you should accept is her renouncing her affiar with remorse.

All she is doing is throwing you a bone.


----------



## LostAndContent

jlc29316 said:


> Tonight has turned into family movie night for us and the kids....I'm confused. As far as I know she has not contacted him today, she told him she was exhausted with the whole thing.
> 
> Am I being foolish?


Yes. She's shown no remorse and is still lying to you and using you.

Just because she's tired of taking care of her new boytoy doesn't mean she's suddenly repentant.


----------



## Subi

jlc29316 said:


> Tonight has turned into family movie night for us and the kids....I'm confused. As far as I know she has not contacted him today, she told him she was exhausted with the whole thing.
> 
> Am I being foolish?


oh my goodness this is a typical example of co-dependency. You my friend are walking around in a circle. I do not see u getting rid of this woman any time soon. I see fear in your actions. And believe me even your wife knows you cant get rid of her thats why she treats u this way. U ll need to deal with your own fears first before u can even think of tackling the issue of your marriage. You are like a barking dog that never bites. Oh you still got a long way to go. She is manipulating you the way she wants. That is the problem and nothing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

I knew the answer to my question before I finished typing it...anyways, contacting attorneys tomorrow. I'm not going to let on that I am thought.
I will blindside her with it, and she'll never know what hit her.


----------



## walkonmars

Better enjoy the TV whilst you can. If he truly is a drug addict and you've cut his drug money out by cutting your wife's access to cash your TV and other appliances are in danger of being in a pawn shop at this time next week. 

Protect yourself. Get to that lawyer - see if you can get a TRO on your wife based on her association with a druggie. Probably won't work but it's worth the effort.


----------



## jlc29316

walkonmars said:


> Better enjoy the TV whilst you can. If he truly is a drug addict and you've cut his drug money out by cutting your wife's access to cash your TV and other appliances are in danger of being in a pawn shop at this time next week.
> 
> Protect yourself. Get to that lawyer - see if you can get a TRO on your wife based on her association with a druggie. Probably won't work but it's worth the effort.


She can pawn her wedding rings.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

jlc29316 said:


> I knew the answer to my question before I finished typing it...anyways, contacting attorneys tomorrow. I'm not going to let on that I am thought.
> I will blindside her with it, and she'll never know what hit her.


If this hasn't been mentioned already, read ShamWow's thread.


----------



## 3putt

jlc29316 said:


> She can pawn her wedding rings.


At first opportunity, take them from her. Tell her she can have them back if and when she earns them back.


----------



## Jasel

I'd also recommend changing the locks to your house. The guy she's involved with puts you, your children, and your property at risk.


----------



## jlc29316

I'm not sure how many of you on here are the religous types, but I am...

It's funny, my mother was telling me she prayed about the situation last night and then she found out my wife left for the night.

I can recall praying about it several times and my wife doing something stupid.

Hey, maybe this was meant to happen. I take that back, it was meant to happen.


----------



## walkonmars

"No good e'er comes of leisure purposeless; And heaven ne’er helps the men who will not act."
~Sophocles


----------



## illwill

The lord helps them, who help themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If this hasn't been mentioned already, read ShamWow's thread.


That's exactly the thread I was thinking about.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> Tonight has turned into family movie night for us and the kids....I'm confused. As far as I know she has not contacted him today, she told him she was exhausted with the whole thing.
> 
> Am I being foolish?


Lying and keeping up a front can be exhausting. 

Aren't you exhausted?


----------



## mupostori

you have probably asked her this question 
why are you doing this to me?

what is one supposed to do when God shows them the truth
"the truth shall set you free" be thankful that the truth has been revealed to you and have faith that God will on your side whatever
happens


----------



## jlc29316

It's nights like these when I remember why I'm here...

Wife says working late till 6:30 because she missed time on Monday. Never done that before in the 10 years she's worked at her job. Go by there, car not there.

Just installed my keylogger on my computer. Will fulfill her request to have some old pictures scanned for her to facebook. Get password and get evidence. Going to get a VAR tomorrow. Afterwards, going to my parents to lay out the gameplan. Talking to my parents' neighbor who was in a similar situation for advice. Contacting lawyers next week and going for blood and everything else I deserve.

Playing the pathetic husband game right now so she thinks she can walk all over me once again. But this time, its a game. Hung all the pictures of me and her back up in the house, all is well she thinks.

When this is over, I will make sure she suffers for every minute she made me suffer and sleepless and close to a mental and emotional breakdown. Every minute she walked out on me and the kids for a homeless POS alcoholic.
I just cannot let my emotions take over.


----------



## Shaggy

You also need a GPS on her car to track her.

She is spending family money on his living expenses , you need to find out how much as you can deduct these costs from her part of the D settlement.

Also no more movie nights.

Grab her soiled panties and send then to a lab , it will help you prove infidelity.

Pack her clothes in a garbage bag and sit them outside the front door.

You have to let her back in, but doing ths each time she is going to have sex with him sends a message,


----------



## the guy

I still think you should have taken her and the kids over to the OM shack and told them to get out. Asking the kids were they wanted to live...with mon in a shack or back at the house?


----------



## the guy

I like your plan, I think you will get the proof soon enough, and you will make out real good in the divorce. 
I suggest you hire a PI it will pay off in the divorce settlement.

The goal is confirming adultory so you don't have to pay out the ass in the divorce so that tactic should not bee doon by an amateur.

Since the OM is homeless I suspect the VAR would yeild proof, but then again your lawyer will give you the best option that is approved in a court of law.

I guess the PI can be called into court to testify and make your case in proving adultory, Thats why I think it s your best route.

So stay strong and I hope your a good actor, this will be a tought few weeks.

And another thing the lawyer might have a PI that he can recomment.

It sound like in SC its common to get out of alimony so I'm sure its common practice for most lawyers to have a PI close by just for cases such as yours.

One guestion, how are you going to play the next request for money when you are already playing the "its all good" facade?

Also remember it takes a few days for the paper work to get put together so do not waste time. be prepared to wait a couple of weeks once you do retain a lawyer. 

You might get luck and the lawyer has a light case load, but if you reyain him on Monday you will be lucky to have her served by Fri..

BTW how are you going to have her served...at her work, at OM shopping cart, OM bridge/underpass, or at your own home?


Since R is out the window I guess making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible is out the window...I get it....but dude its going to take balls of emotional steel to pull your game plan off for any length of time!

May I suggest you look up the 180? Its a bunch of items that emtionally protect you. The 180 plan is ment to protect you and not ment for her....it may help unti you finalize the divorce.


----------



## the guy

The 1st order of business is get your lawyer to file emergency custody...you don't want your wife taking the kids over to her parents house or OM parents house or were ever....thos oder will prevent that until the costody is finalize in the divorce and visitation is established.


----------



## the guy

Obviously you are going to prove adulatory so the OM will be named in the divorce suit. But division of assets will need to be look at so start looking at that, if you own and you want her out then some sort of eviction may be in order...maybe something temporary until the divorce is finalized.

She can always stay with the OM and help him push his shopping cart around.:lol: but


----------



## the guy

Does OM even have a car?


----------



## Remains

The guy.....you really are 'The Guy'! I don't think I have ever seen one post of yours I disagree with or find disagreeable. And you are always so helpful to others to the n'th degree. And your story is quite shocking too...in as much as your situation seemed totally irrecoverable. You are a valuable person on here, so much. I just love your posts and your advice. Always.


----------



## Remains

And to OP, I am very happy to see you are taking the power back. And that you are taking steps to dissallow the abuse no longer. All the advice you have had here is spot on and I agree wholeheartedly.


----------



## jlc29316

the guy said:


> Does OM even have a car?


The OM has no car, no job, no home, nowhere to set his feet at night other than on friends' couches.
The OM had about 100k left to him (so my stbxw says) in an inheritance and he blew it in about a year. So that tells me in addition to being an alcoholic, he's not very good with money.

Wow, this stuff still shocks me.

Anyways, we plan to go out tomorrow night because she wants to "talk". She only said this after she felt the heat of the big D coming. We shall see.

Just so you all know, I'm not giving in. I've had my moments the past week or so, but they've been few and far between. Even if she was to want to R, I'm still dropping the hammer on her, I'm just playing my hand close to my chest.


----------



## weightlifter

So this started as a GNO? Sigh.

how old are you?

Sounds like you are hard Christian and won't date until you get the d fully done. Get it pushed thru so you can truly live your life again.

No money? Sounds like he's a bad boy player. Roomed with one in college. Bad boys have unbelievable pull on women.


----------



## jlc29316

Wanted to give you all an update, and it's not the type of update I'm sure all of you want to hear....

So I'm still with her, and I was ready to make a move once I had all the evidence that I could file for custody on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately, I was unable to get that evidence.

Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while. Not sure how long. But my wife tells me this because she was the one that encouraged him to go. And now she tells me that she wanted this to happen so things can "get back to normal". Maybe for her, but what about me? How can I trust her in what she tells me? In her mind, things may get back to normal for her, but I've got triggers galore and I'm not quite ready to say I'll forgive her.


----------



## PHTlump

So, your wife spending the night with this guy isn't proof of adultery?

Well, it seems as if your choices have narrowed.
1. You can play the long con. Stay with your wife, wait for her to resume her affair, or start a new one, and get evidence when it is available.
2. You can divorce her without iron-clad proof.
3. You can try to reconcile.

It sounds like you're leaning toward #3. But it doesn't sound like your wife is doing the things necessary for reconciliation.

Successful reconciliation means the disloyal spouse apologizes and takes responsibility for having an affair. It doesn't mean that the OM leaves the picture temporarily, so that you can just sweep the affair under the rug. If you're just rug sweeping, save your time and go back to choice #1 or #2.

Good luck.


----------



## bryanp

I feel very sorry for you since you are in such denial. You need the get tested for STD's since she did not use protection. So she can go screw another man and have an affair behind your back and there are no consequences to her actions? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and is playing you for a total fool. If you don't respect yourself then who will?


----------



## jlc29316

Time will tell...I've given it this long. I may go ahead and file for divorce.


----------



## walkonmars

So her form of therapy for drug abusers was hugely successful - great! 

Unbelievable that she said that to you with a straight face. And moreso that you are going to accept it. 

Oh, well - let's hope the rehab isn't just a condition he had to meet in order to continue with your wife.


----------



## badmemory

jlc29316 said:


> Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while. Not sure how long. But my wife tells me this because she was the one that encouraged him to go.


Don't you wonder why the POSOM agreed to go to rehab? Was it because he just realized one day that he was an alcoholic or addict? Or did your wife's "encouragement" factor in as a condition he had to meet to stay with her?

I have some experience with rehab. I can tell you that most of the people that go there, don't do it for themselves necessarily, but do it to save something they don't want to lose.

When OM's rehab is over and if you are once again betrayed; please don't say you couldn't have expected it.


----------



## jlc29316

Let me just say that the questions I was asking were hypothetical...well for the most part.

I refuse to put myself in the BS situation again. I'm just upset at myself for not gathering the evidence when I had it.


----------



## BobSimmons

jlc29316 said:


> Time will tell...I've given it this long. I may go ahead and file for divorce.


Some of your stuff is just not marrying up..


----------



## jlc29316

BobSimmons said:


> Some of your stuff is just not marrying up..


Agreed...chalk it up to being absolutely confused about the whole thing. I know what I need to do, its just going through with it. I lost more than my wife, I feel like I've lost my self-esteem as well.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while.


Well, I'd find out where he was at and when he hits a certain point ask him for his version of the truth.

Oh and I'd keep an eye out because rehab is hard and if they were close he is going to reach out to her.


----------



## weightlifter

OP. this started at a girls night out?


----------



## carmen ohio

jlc29316 said:


> I'm not quite ready to say I'll forgive her.


Has she asked you to forgive her? I didn't think so.



jlc29316 said:


> Time will tell...I've given it this long. I may go ahead and file for divorce.


No you won't.



jlc29316 said:


> I refuse to put myself in the BS situation again. I'm just upset at myself for not gathering the evidence when I had it.


Your still in the BS situation because you've done nothing to get out of it.



jlc29316 said:


> Agreed...chalk it up to being absolutely confused about the whole thing. I know what I need to do, its just going through with it. I lost more than my wife, I feel like I've lost my self-esteem as well.


You weren't confused. You knew exactly what was happening. You just didn't have b*lls to do anything about it.

jlc29316, your future is pretty grim unless you find courage to stand up to your cheating wife.

I hope neither of your children are boys because you are setting a poor example of a man.

Sorry to be so blunt but I think you know you've earned it.


----------



## HappyHubby

jlc29316 said:


> Agreed...chalk it up to being absolutely confused about the whole thing. I know what I need to do, its just going through with it. I lost more than my wife, I feel like I've lost my self-esteem as well.


JLC. I read the first page and the last page. How on earth could you stay with her while she sees this guy right in your face? Rubbing it in and expecting you to take it. It continued because you didnt find your backbone and you didn't leave her properly the very first time you found out. You should have broken up with her for months, cut her out, kick her out, no contact.

This is why you have no self-esteem right now.. no self-respect. 

THERE IS A WAY TO GET IT BACK!

LEAVE her.. NOW.. go no contact and cut her off financially. Make her BEG and cry for months. She disrespected you so badly, you need to stand up for yourself and get your self-respect back. 

I just couldn't live with myself standing idly by watching my wife have sex with another man, calling him, being friends with him etc.


----------



## Jasel

If you want to get your self-esteem back you need to stop putting up with whatever she throws in your face. Not trying to come down on you or anything, but the way you seem to be going about this I'm not surprised your self-esteem is in the gutter. You need to take control of the situation and stop reacting to every move your wife makes and whatever comes out of her mouth. Make moves and do what's best for YOU.


----------



## jlc29316

I can take the heat. I know I'm being a doormat.

I've always took pride in being a husband, a provider for my family. So much work has been put in these past 13 years into what we have, or should I say now, had.

I just cannot fathom how someone could be so cold and callous into wanting to throw it all away. But I guess thats why it never crossed my mind to cheat. I never thought she would either. 

I've spoken with numerous lawyers the past few weeks, but now is the time to make the move. I don't have the evidence, but at this point why does it matter?

And yes, my self-esteem has been destroyed. It has been chipped away at for a while now, and now I'm feeling the effects.


----------



## jlc29316

jlc29316 said:


> Wanted to give you all an update, and it's not the type of update I'm sure all of you want to hear....
> 
> So I'm still with her, and I was ready to make a move once I had all the evidence that I could file for custody on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately, I was unable to get that evidence.
> 
> Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while. Not sure how long. But my wife tells me this because she was the one that encouraged him to go. And now she tells me that she wanted this to happen so things can "get back to normal". Maybe for her, but what about me? How can I trust her in what she tells me? In her mind, things may get back to normal for her, but I've got triggers galore and I'm not quite ready to say I'll forgive her.


Guess who checked themselves out of rehab? He detoxed for a few days and he's cured!


----------



## walkonmars

Oh man!

You know what he wants right? Annnnnnd you know it'll happen?

How much of this sh!t are you going to be able to take?


----------



## movin on

Did your wife have you go and pick him up from rehab ? 
Maybe buy him lunch ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadSamIAm

jlc29316 said:


> Guess who checked themselves out of rehab? He detoxed for a few days and he's cured!


Maybe use this as your way of gathering the evidence you need. Take a day or two off and follow your wife around. Guessing if she is still seeing him, it will happen soon.


----------



## Machiavelli

SadSamIAm said:


> Maybe use this as your way of gathering the evidence you need. Take a day or two off and follow your wife around. Guessing if she is still seeing him, it will happen soon.


That's right, here's your "fault" divorce right back to you on a silver platter.


----------



## jlc29316

Machiavelli said:


> That's right, here's your "fault" divorce right back to you on a silver platter.


I'm thinking the same thing.


----------



## jlc29316

I noticed several calls to a pregnancy center in the past few days from her phone. Now before you blow this up, we had talked recently in depth about her being unhappy and the last time she was truly happy was when we had our second child. We did fertility treatments in order for her to get pregnant. I can tell you now that marriage, birth, or anything, only brings temporary joy. She has some deep down emotional issues and is not a happy person, so before you say anything...it's not happening.


----------



## LostViking

Does that pregnancy center also do abortions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

mahike said:


> You need to take some firm steps to pull your wife out of the fog.
> 
> Tell her to get an STD test and you get the results. Get yourself tested as well
> 
> File for D and have her served (you do not have to go all the way with it)
> 
> Tell her to give you her phone to review right now, demand all usernames and passwords for everything now.
> 
> I know this is the hard part but if she says no to any of this tell her to get the F out, I know you have kids but she has already left you and the kids
> 
> Expose the A to her family and your friends. Does the POS have a wife or GF? Let them know
> 
> Read the 180 and get it started


As there have been cases of children catching -in a non-sexual way- STDs brought into the family by a cheating spouse, arrange to have you and the children tested for STDs/HIV.


----------



## jlc29316

LostViking said:


> Does that pregnancy center also do abortions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I checked into that. They just do fertility and other related treatments.


----------



## MattMatt

jlc29316 said:


> Guess who checked themselves out of rehab? He detoxed for a few days and he's cured!


No? Really? What a surprise! *But not really*!


----------



## carmen ohio

jlc29316 said:


> I can take the heat. I know I'm being a doormat.
> 
> I've always took pride in being a husband, a provider for my family. So much work has been put in these past 13 years into what we have, or should I say now, had.
> 
> I just cannot fathom how someone could be so cold and callous into wanting to throw it all away. But I guess thats why it never crossed my mind to cheat. I never thought she would either.
> 
> I've spoken with numerous lawyers the past few weeks, but now is the time to make the move. I don't have the evidence, but at this point why does it matter?
> 
> And yes, my self-esteem has been destroyed. It has been chipped away at for a while now, and now I'm feeling the effects.


Dear jlc29316,

You have taken a huge step by acknowledging your problem. Now take the next step and do something about it (especially since it looks like the OM will soon be back with your wife).

Also, you need to understand what has held you back. You say that it is because you have tried to be a good provider. Frankly, I don't buy that. I suspect that you have failed to act out of fear of the future. If that is the case, you need to recognize and and then deal with it.

But don't get too down on yourself. You haven't done any worse than most guys on TAM who face similar problems. Your goal should be to learn from your mistakes and to grow stronger. You can do it if you are honest with yourself and understand that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by confronting your problems rather than running from them.

Good luck.


----------



## jlc29316

You're right...I fear the future. I won't lie. I'm the type that doesn't like drastic change, even at the expense of hurting myself in the process.

I was just hoping the fog would lift in time to keep her from losing what she has worked so hard to achieve. She came from a broken home background, as opposed to me. I think she has drifted back into that familiarity against my desire. I have to look out for my children and me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

You have to move on for all your sake. She will be back we om soon enough. Just fiile and move forward.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

jlc29316 said:


> You're right...I fear the future. I won't lie. I'm the type that doesn't like drastic change, even at the expense of hurting myself in the process.


Never let yourself be motivated by fear, you will sabotage yourself.



> I was just hoping the fog would lift in time to keep her from losing what she has worked so hard to achieve.


The fog you need to be more concerned with is YOURS; you are still very much in denial of your situation.

You need to find out why you are willing to stay with a cheating wife that blatantly disrespects you. She does not see you as a man because you allow her to walk all over you. Women want men that are willing to stand up to them because if you can’t stand up to them (or for yourself) how can you head a family?

You are your own worst enemy, once you start caring about yourself more than her (dollars to more dollars you are way down on her priority list) you will naturally do the right things.


----------



## badmemory

JLC,

Why don't you give us an update? I just noticed you posted a new thread.


----------



## jlc29316

badmemory said:


> JLC,
> 
> Why don't you give us an update? I just noticed you posted a new thread.


I have an appointment with an attorney on Friday, that's all I can really say right now. I had a witness go with me to the motel last Friday and we got video of them going into the motel. I wanted to make sure I had good evidence before meeting face to face.


----------



## badbane

JLC I have read this thread and I want to shake you. Where is your anger. Forget about this being your wife. IT's like you are waiting for her to just wake up and smell the roses. By not taking swift and firm action you are telling her that you are not serious. I mean she is flagrantly throwing this affair in your face. ANd you do nothing.
The one time you have stepped up and set boundaries was went you told her if she walks out that door it is over. You notice that it caused a reaction. But she walked anyway. The reason is because you have not backed up anything you have said so far. It's all been empty threats and hot air. The choice is simple. 
1) keep being a doormat and have your wife parade this infront of you.
2)stand up for yourself and tell your wife that you are not going to be treated this way. If you pay for her phone. Cut it off otherwise you are actually paying for her to have an affair. If she is blowing grocery money on this OM go start buying groceries. Take away everything because you are no longer just a BS but you are enabling this situation.

You keep asking yourself why would someone throw it all away?
Why are there thousands of stories just like yours on TAM?
My answer to that is DOES IT MATTER why they threw it all away? The point is they are the type of person that is willing to throw it all away and HAS thrown it all away. SO what exactly are you hanging on to.
I am not trying to beat you down but simply trying to make you see the futility of the arguments against taking action are. You were set and ready to go you made your choice and all your wife had to do was mention "lets get back to normal" and your are confused?
I keep readying and just see you going down the nice guy path and am watching you be toyed and used by your WW. She is playing you man. Snap out of it you made the right decision with pursuing a D. Get the ball rolling and set your terms for her to be in your life.

No contact ever again with this OM. Even if he threatens to kill himself it doesn't matter. NO Contact.

Full transparency all email , phones, and texts are to be handed over to you.

I want to see you move forward but until you make the decision to stop living in denial, you will not be able to handle your business. I hope this doesn't get me banned but if it does and my post wakes you up so be it. At least I will be able to sleep at night.


----------



## jlc29316

badbane said:


> JLC I have read this thread and I want to shake you. Where is your anger. Forget about this being your wife. IT's like you are waiting for her to just wake up and smell the roses. By not taking swift and firm action you are telling her that you are not serious. I mean she is flagrantly throwing this affair in your face. ANd you do nothing.
> The one time you have stepped up and set boundaries was went you told her if she walks out that door it is over. You notice that it caused a reaction. But she walked anyway. The reason is because you have not backed up anything you have said so far. It's all been empty threats and hot air. The choice is simple.
> 1) keep being a doormat and have your wife parade this infront of you.
> 2)stand up for yourself and tell your wife that you are not going to be treated this way. If you pay for her phone. Cut it off otherwise you are actually paying for her to have an affair. If she is blowing grocery money on this OM go start buying groceries. Take away everything because you are no longer just a BS but you are enabling this situation.
> 
> You keep asking yourself why would someone throw it all away?
> Why are there thousands of stories just like yours on TAM?
> My answer to that is DOES IT MATTER why they threw it all away? The point is they are the type of person that is willing to throw it all away and HAS thrown it all away. SO what exactly are you hanging on to.
> I am not trying to beat you down but simply trying to make you see the futility of the arguments against taking action are. You were set and ready to go you made your choice and all your wife had to do was mention "lets get back to normal" and your are confused?
> I keep readying and just see you going down the nice guy path and am watching you be toyed and used by your WW. She is playing you man. Snap out of it you made the right decision with pursuing a D. Get the ball rolling and set your terms for her to be in your life.
> 
> No contact ever again with this OM. Even if he threatens to kill himself it doesn't matter. NO Contact.
> 
> Full transparency all email , phones, and texts are to be handed over to you.
> 
> I want to see you move forward but until you make the decision to stop living in denial, you will not be able to handle your business. I hope this doesn't get me banned but if it does and my post wakes you up so be it. At least I will be able to sleep at night.


Thanks...I needed that.


----------



## badmemory

jlc29316 said:


> I have an appointment with an attorney on Friday, that's all I can really say right now. I had a witness go with me to the motel last Friday and we got video of them going into the motel. I wanted to make sure I had good evidence before meeting face to face.


Yeah, I would say that's pretty good evidence. Let me ask you jlc, how hard was it for you not to bust into that motel room? I'm not sure that I could have stopped myself.

Anyway, so now you have your undeniable evidence. Re-read this thread and remember if you even want to R, she must receive and *accept* all the consequences you've been told about. If she isn't slobbering, snot bubble blowing, remorseful, do the 180 and start divorce proceedings.

In the unlikely event she "appears" to be, take your time and stay separated for a time to sort out your thoughts. But start divorce proceedings all the same. You can delay them if she shows consistent remorse, let's you verify no-contact, and agrees to everything else you require.

Take it from someone who's learned better. Don't agree to R too soon. Make sure she has doubts whether you will. Give yourself some time away from her to think about what you want to do and why.

Wish you the best. Keep posting.


----------



## jlc29316

badmemory said:


> Yeah, I would say that's pretty good evidence. Let me ask you jlc, how hard was it for you not to bust into that motel room? I'm not sure that I could have stopped myself.
> 
> Anyway, so now you have your undeniable evidence. Re-read this thread and remember if you even want to R, she must receive and *accept* all the consequences you've been told about. If she isn't slobbering, snot bubble blowing, remorseful, do the 180 and start divorce proceedings.
> 
> In the unlikely event she "appears" to be, take your time and stay separated for a time to sort out your thoughts. But start divorce proceedings all the same. You can delay them if she shows consistent remorse, let's you verify no-contact, and agrees to everything else you require.
> 
> Take it from someone who's learned better. Don't agree to R too soon. Make sure she has doubts whether you will. Give yourself some time away from her to think about what you want to do and why.
> 
> Wish you the best. Keep posting.


The only thing that kept me from beating that MFer down into the floor was my children. I've had to keep my nose clean during all this...if it wasn't for the children, he'd been in bad shape. I want to say R is out of the question considering everything I've been through, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Right now, one step at a time.
Thanks for the advice...to be honest, it's very difficult to post here sometimes considering the backlash you receive if you fail to make the appropriate moves. I guess we've all been there.


----------



## Shaggy

I hope you take account of the money she has spent on hotels and clothes and dinners and drinks for this guy.

You can take all that out the family assets when you divide things up when you D.

It's obvious you must D her as she is openly flaunting her sexual relationship with you.

Good hunting, I hope you show no mercy because at this point she deserves none.


----------



## LetDownNTX

I would be a hypocrite to criticize you for R'ing with your wife if you so choose. After everything my WH has put me through I still gave him a chance at R. Some days are good, some are not. I think most here just want to see you come out on top!


----------



## badmemory

jlc29316 said:


> The only thing that kept me from beating that MFer down into the floor was my children. I've had to keep my nose clean during all this...if it wasn't for the children, he'd been in bad shape. I want to say R is out of the question considering everything I've been through, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Right now, one step at a time.
> Thanks for the advice...to be honest, it's very difficult to post here sometimes considering the backlash you receive if you fail to make the appropriate moves. I guess we've all been there.


I understand jlc. Just consider it a write of initiation for being a newbie here. Most of us have been through the same thing. 

I think I can speak for everyone else here when I say; that we just want the best outcome for you and genuinely want to help you if we can.


----------



## jlc29316

Are you f*cking kidding me!

Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.


----------



## tom67

jlc29316 said:


> Are you f*cking kidding me!
> 
> Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.


Kick her out WTF.


----------



## LetDownNTX

jlc29316 said:


> Are you f*cking kidding me!
> 
> Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.


WOW, how did you discover that?

Is this POS the same POS that you talked about in the beginning?


----------



## 3putt

jlc29316 said:


> Are you f*cking kidding me!
> 
> Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.












How did you find this out?


----------



## jlc29316

tom67 said:


> Kick her out WTF.


As much as I'd love to, I have to heed my attorney's advice.


----------



## jlc29316

3putt said:


> How did you find this out?


Let's just say my daughter saw a tattoo and said his name, because he is covered in them.


----------



## aug

Make the most of your appointment with the lawyer on Friday.

Write down questions you want to ask him. For example, fault or no-fault state? Can you get main custody of your daughter? What is the minimum spousal support? What do you need to show so that you dont have to pay spousal support? Is adultery grounds for divorce? etc..


Also, if you have not done so, remove her from any joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Secure or disappear your financial assets and any valuable personal belongings and documents.


----------



## 3putt

jlc29316 said:


> Let's just say my daughter saw a tattoo and said his name, because he is covered in them.


Well, it's time to lower the boom on her. Now that she has dragged your child into this, you really have little choice. You have all you need proof wise, right? I mean, pictures of them going into a motel is the smokiest of the smoking guns.

Feeling awful for you brother.


----------



## lucky me

I'm sorry.......but I don't think you will do anything but if you LOVE your kids you will


----------



## walkonmars

Ask the atty if there's any chance of obtaining a TRO against your wife on the grounds that she is consorting with a known druggie and introducing your children to that environment. 

It's one thing to screw you over - quite another to screw her own children's morals and outlook. You have a developed brain, they don't - they will come to see that relationships are used to take advantage of others - lies are fine. Faithfulness means nothing. 

Take control. You are supposed to be the head of your family and the protector of your children.


----------



## jlc29316

So I had a talk with my wife last night, in a calm manner (as difficult as that was) and told her my intentions. So her comeback was, "What if I break it off with him, can we still be together?"

I blew up and said, "this whole time you were saying how difficult it was going to be to let him go, even after all the s*** you put me through and I had to endure. Now that I'm making a move, you're going to end it with him that easy?!" F*** that!


----------



## BK23

Whether you decide to give her another chance or not--I think you shouldn't--get the divorce rolling ASAP. You can always put the brakes on later.


----------



## jlc29316

BK23 said:


> Whether you decide to give her another chance or not--I think you shouldn't--get the divorce rolling ASAP. You can always put the brakes on later.


No way...I said once I put money in the lawyer's hands theres no going back. That's why I was so reluctant for so long.


----------



## LostViking

Is she showing any remorse or just guilt that she got caught?

What was her reaction? Sounds like she is just scared of losing her meal ticket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

LostViking said:


> Is she showing any remorse or just guilt that she got caught?
> 
> What was her reaction? Sounds like she is just scared of losing her meal ticket.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The meal ticket, thats all it is.


----------



## jlc29316

I know how this whole thing will play out...and I do expect her to come crawling back.

This guy has it made. He doesn't have anything, and he doesn't have to pay for anything, and he gets it still. Once her support system is gone, she is going to expect him to step up. Then he will hit the bricks.


----------



## bryanp

What a piece of work she is.


----------



## jlc29316

I could've sworn I heard a conversation one time about this POS saying she should stay with her family, just as long as he gets to see her too.


----------



## keko

jlc29316 said:


> So I had a talk with my wife last night, in a calm manner (as difficult as that was) and told her my intentions. So her comeback was, "What if I break it off with him, can we still be together?"
> 
> I blew up and said, "this whole time you were saying how difficult it was going to be to let him go, even after all the s*** you put me through and I had to endure. Now that I'm making a move, you're going to end it with him that easy?!" F*** that!


Why would you tell her about your intentions?


----------



## jlc29316

keko said:


> Why would you tell her about your intentions?


Intentions was not a good word, more like my feelings on everything. She still has no clue about me meeting with the attorney.


----------



## workindad

Good keep that to yourself. I'm sure om will have lots of advice for your ww of course it will all be to his continued benefit. Is your sense that your ww was just trying to string you along? She'll eventually realize what a cluster fvck she made of the things but it will likely be too little too late. 

Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

workindad said:


> Good keep that to yourself. I'm sure om will have lots of advice for your ww of course it will all be to his continued benefit. Is your sense that your ww was just trying to string you along? She'll eventually realize what a cluster fvck she made of the things but it will likely be too little too late.
> 
> Wd
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah I was strung along.


----------



## LostViking

Dont expect remorse and contriteness right off the bat from her. 

I had to wait over twenty years to get a real apology and show of remorse from my first wife who cheated on me before and after our wedding. 

Right now your wife is looking for a way to outmeneuver you now. When you have her served divorce papers, make sure she gets served publically. That will knock some of that pride out of her. 

Is she still living with you?


----------



## warlock07

Is she still spending your money on that loser ?


----------



## barbados

jlc29316 said:


> So I had a talk with my wife last night, in a calm manner (as difficult as that was) and told her my intentions. So her comeback was, "What if I break it off with him, can we still be together?"
> 
> I blew up and said, "this whole time you were saying how difficult it was going to be to let him go, even after all the s*** you put me through and I had to endure. Now that I'm making a move, you're going to end it with him that easy?!" F*** that!


So she sees that her cake eating ways will be ending, and NOW she wants to change. Classic cheater BS.


----------



## barbados

jlc29316 said:


> Are you f*cking kidding me!
> 
> Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.


Well, if everything that your POS W as done to you was not enough for you to finally act and D her ASAP, then perhaps her endangering your child will.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jlc29316 said:


> Are you f*cking kidding me!
> 
> Guys I'm about to go postal....just found out that my three year old daughter has met this POS.


Take a deep breath, calm down and act accordingly. Don't give her ANY ammunition to use against you or limit contact with your daughter.


----------



## jlc29316

Lawyer paid and papers being prepared.


----------



## Shaggy

Good hunting on getting her served!


----------



## lordmayhem

jlc29316 said:


> I could've sworn I heard a conversation one time about this POS saying she should stay with her family, just as long as he gets to see her too.


There's a saying: Why buy the whole cow when you can get the mild for free


----------



## aug

You may want to start a new thread in the Going Through Divorce or Separation section. You'll get help there as you go through your divorce process.


----------



## jlc29316

Guess who's preg?


----------



## tom67

jlc29316 said:


> Guess who's preg?


Wow! Good om can support the baby. Oh wait he's a deadbeat right?


----------



## jlc29316

tom67 said:


> Wow! Good om can support the baby. Oh wait he's a deadbeat right?


He's actually working now. Good for him. He'll never be able to live up to my standards though. He has to live in my shadow through her, and more importantly, her family.

I love her family, and her family loves me...that's why I say that.


----------



## tom67

Well no doubt then her family is going to be disappointed she seems to be really spiraling downhill sorry man.


----------



## jlc29316

tom67 said:


> Well no doubt then her family is going to be disappointed she seems to be really spiraling downhill sorry man.


It's sad. She's a shell of what she was. Her family knows where she came from and how far I brought her. Unconditional love only goes so far.


----------



## Acabado

Good Lord!
Did you serve her? How are things in that front?
Are you physicaly separated, in house? Is she openly "dating" OM?
What about your kids?


----------



## All of a sudden

Saw that coming with the calls to pregnancy center! Who's baby is it? Were you still sleeping with her?


----------



## jlc29316

All of a sudden said:


> Saw that coming with the calls to pregnancy center! Who's baby is it? Were you still sleeping with her?


Given the time...its his.


----------



## Acabado

Does she plan to keep the baby?


----------



## weightlifter

How far along in the divorce process are you?

Have you cut her off completely money wise?

Define "shell of her former self"


----------



## aug

Time to hurry that divorce along so that you dont get stuck with child support for her lover's child.

A child born into your marriage becomes your legal responsibility. You must take legal steps to prevent that from happening. You must do it quickly. Talk to a lawyer well-versed in paternity responsibility.

Has the legal separation process begun?


----------



## tom67

I think you have so many months after the birth to check for paternity but yes let your attorney know asap.


----------



## turnera

Do whatever your attorney tells you to do.


----------



## aug

EleGirl said:


> You do need absolute, unrefutable proof of adultry if you live in South Carolina...
> 
> A spouse’s adultery is generally an absolute bar to alimony. See S.C. Code Ann. § 20-3-130(A) (“No alimony may be awarded a spouse who commits adultery before the earliest of these two events: (1) the formal signing of a written property or marital settlement agreement or (2) entry of a permanent order of separate maintenance and support or of a permanent order approving a property or marital settlement agreement between the parties.”).
> 
> However, adultery that has been condoned–conditionally forgiven–or is the result of connivance, does not act as a bar to an award of alimony. Recrimination, the defense that both parties are guilty of the same fault-divorce ground, does not remove adultery’s bar to alimony. See, Spires v. Spires, 296 S.C. 422, 373 S.E.2d
> 
> 
> In South Carolina, How Does Adultery Affect Alimony? | Gregory Forman, Attorney at Law - Charleston Divorce, Custody, Family Law, and Support
> 
> So far your actions of staying with her while you know of your adultry could be considered you forgiving it.
> 
> Please see an attorney and find out what proof you need of her adulty. She has been a dependent SAHM for a long time. You could owe her a lot of alimony for a long time.
> 
> Don't tell her your plans. Word on getting what you need before you tip her off.



Just quoting this just in case. You now have irrefutable proof of adultery.

Also, the father of her unborn child is an alcoholic. Because of that the baby could have health/psychological issues. Do not take responsibility for her and her lover's decision. Try hard.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D

jlc29316 said:


> Unconditional love only goes so far.


No not true, but marriages DO have requirements!! They are called vows, we have to be committed to these vows DAILY!?! You can unconditionally have love for a family member b/c you are connected to them through blood. Marriage is *TOTALLY* different because you are supposed to uphold the sacred marriage vows FOR LIFE, that's why it's stated _*"in sickness or health. For richer, or poorer, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, until death due you part?"*_!?!? 
Love is many things and unconditional love is the greatest love of all, but love is not blind! *IF* in doubt about love... look this up in the bible
*"1 Corinthians 13:1-13"*_ (in different versions love and charity are used inter~changeably)
_

I have no other real specific advice. I can only give a few of my personal favorite quotes I try to live by;

1- Actions speaks louder than words
2- If you can _NOT_ learn from history, then you are _DOOMED_ to repeat it
3- Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, which is why we call it PRESENT _(corny line from Kung-Fu Panada yes I know, but still)_
4- "DAD! Albert Einstein was really really REALLY smart..." "Oh yeah!! Well, if he is SO smart then how come he's dead!?!?" _(Yes I love Homer Simpson)_

I hope the best for you & your marriage! (or possible divorce) 
Good Luck!


----------



## jlc29316

Thought I would revisit this and read how pathetically weak I sounded. Best decision I ever made.

Read my thread on Going through Divorce or Separation. I revealed a lot of what I had to put up with.


----------



## turnera

Thanks for letting us know where to go. I wish more people did that.


----------



## weightlifter

Saw she abused you. Wow.

How far along in the divorce process are you? When final?
Have you cut her off completely money wise?
Has she moved out?
YOU have primary custody?
Define "shell of her former self" 
They live together now?
When is she due?
Did you protect yourself against paternity fraud?


----------



## jlc29316

Talk about a classy gesture....found a love letter from him to her written on the back of a detox center pamphlet. You can't make this stuff up.


----------



## MovingAhead

jlc29316 said:


> Talk about a classy gesture....found a love letter from him to her written on the back of a detox center pamphlet. You can't make this stuff up.


I am sorry brother, I actually tittered when I read your last post. When I describe my scenario with friends, I often tell them I couldn't make this stuff up. It is to crazy to believe and my life should be a day time soap opera.

I hope you are doing well brother.


----------



## jlc29316

MovingAhead said:


> I am sorry brother, I actually tittered when I read your last post. When I describe my scenario with friends, I often tell them I couldn't make this stuff up. It is to crazy to believe and my life should be a day time soap opera.
> 
> I hope you are doing well brother.


Doing good. It's really an amazing feeling when you look back and say, "Man, I went through some tough times, but I'm glad I did. I can survive anything."
I have my moments when reminders pop up from nowhere, but they're becoming fewer and more far between.


----------



## Brokenshadow

jlc29316 said:


> Doing good. It's really an amazing feeling when you look back and say, "Man, I went through some tough times, but I'm glad I did. I can survive anything."
> I have my moments when reminders pop up from nowhere, but they're becoming fewer and more far between.


Was there a moment of clarity when you absolutely knew it was over? WW and I are trying R, and she's doing/saying the right things, but not sure if she's just manipulating me. We've been through a lot, including her addiction and a relapse, and now this. This happened when I was at my lowest, and I can't get over that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

Brokenshadow said:


> Was there a moment of clarity when you absolutely knew it was over? WW and I are trying R, and she's doing/saying the right things, but not sure if she's just manipulating me. We've been through a lot, including her addiction and a relapse, and now this. This happened when I was at my lowest, and I can't get over that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really. It just happened. I found out by leaning more on your family and friends. They were the only ones that truly cared. Sounds like your WW has baggage (addiction, cheating) and I'm here to say its not worth it.


----------



## Acabado

google shrink4men


----------



## LongWalk

JLC, tragic but you did we'll, given the circumstances. Your ex lost her mind. Love is blind and blindness is self destructive when you lack reason and ethics. She wanted to come home but it was too late. You could not R without remorse. Is she sorry now? Is there any hope she can put her life in order? Would better for her to be single than with OM, the alcoholic. And a baby is coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316

Thought I would revisit this thread...it's been awhile.
Well we go to our temporary hearing on August 13th, but I must say while things were going good for me, the triggers have hit me hard the past week or so. Adding to that, is that me and her are getting along so well now. Slipped up a couple weeks ago, our son was going on a trip for two weeks so we both wanted to spend time with him as a family and we watched a movie together. We ended up sleeping together. Maybe that's why the triggers re-manifested themselves. Or maybe because of the texts about her wanting to come back home. Or maybe the excitement of having the place to myself has worn off, now I'm seeing memories at every turn and smelling her presence in the house.
I have to remember why I'm getting this divorce in the first place, the cheating, the emotional abuse. The only upside is the awesome sex. 
Now, here is what else worries me. I have this fear that with her volatile behavior and outbursts, I have this fear that she will somehow change her ways and become this awesome woman. Sounds crazy, but I'd hate to think that could've been someone that I could be with. I loved her so much, and still do.


----------



## lordmayhem

jlc29316 said:


> Thought I would revisit this thread...it's been awhile.
> Well we go to our temporary hearing on August 13th, but I must say while things were going good for me, the triggers have hit me hard the past week or so. Adding to that, is that me and her are getting along so well now. Slipped up a couple weeks ago, our son was going on a trip for two weeks so we both wanted to spend time with him as a family and we watched a movie together. We ended up sleeping together. Maybe that's why the triggers re-manifested themselves. Or maybe because of the texts about her wanting to come back home. Or maybe the excitement of having the place to myself has worn off, now I'm seeing memories at every turn and smelling her presence in the house.
> I have to remember why I'm getting this divorce in the first place, the cheating, the emotional abuse. The only upside is the awesome sex.
> Now, here is what else worries me. I have this fear that with her volatile behavior and outbursts, I have this fear that she will somehow change her ways and become this awesome woman. Sounds crazy, but I'd hate to think that could've been someone that I could be with. I loved her so much, and still do.


WTF? :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:



jlc29316 said:


> This is my story.
> 
> A man can only take so much being used, abused, manipulated, yelled at, spit on, taken advantage of, verbally assaulted, physically assaulted, scratched, bit, choked, knife pulled on, lied to, and finally cheated on. The only problem is, the man takes it for so long he becomes numb to it and thinks he somehow deserved it, so he hides it behind a fake smile.
> 
> Violence against men is a very real thing, and its becoming more and more commonplace every day.


Stop having sex with her! Stop thinking with your little head. Seriously. She and her trailer trash OM deserve each other. Just because she sexes you up a few times that things are going to be better? You're being manipulated. Stop it.


----------



## kenmoore14217

"We ended up sleeping together."

Hopefully this does not come back to haunt you!!


----------



## jlc29316

And as someone asked, yeah she does feel remorse. She has cried to me saying how sorry she was for everything. She'd wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares about everything. She has said how much she appreciated all that I did for her now that she has to do all those things (tidy up, pay bills, etc.).


----------



## LostViking

So is she back living with you? I guess I missed something. Is she still seeing the OM? What about the pregnancy? Are you going to ask for a paternity test?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostAndContent

jlc29316 said:


> And as someone asked, yeah she does feel remorse. She has cried to me saying how sorry she was for everything. She'd wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares about everything. She has said how much she appreciated all that I did for her now that she has to do all those things (tidy up, pay bills, etc.).


Just remember she misses having you as a father, not as a lover. Her attempts to sleep with you aren't because she suddenly finds you attractive. She just misses your wallet and knows that offering sex is one of the only ways she can trick you into taking her back. 

I realize this is really hard to hear, I'm don't like saying it. And I'm sorry to have to ruin your fantasy that she suddenly finds you manly again and wants to ride your pole. I just don't want you to fall for her tricks and get back with a woman who has repeatedly demonstrated that she thinks of you as an wimpy, lovesick idiot who will take her back no matter how much she spits in your face because you know you'll never do better than her. 

There's a woman out there who sincerely wants to ride you. And when you two finally meet you'll probably get in trouble for bumping uglies all over town since you won't be to keep your hands off of each other. 

Your wife wants to go back to being a prostitute you pay to live with you. Go find a girl who wants you for your C***, not your wallet.


----------



## jlc29316

I'm glad I posted this, because I want you all to snap me back into reality. The fact of the matter is, and I know this, that I don't necessarily want her back, but I'm just holding onto the memories. And the one thing I need to realize is I'm only thinking of the good memories, not the painful ones. Probably because I'm trying to supress them.
So we had a long talk yesterday over the phone, and she asked me if I would ever want her to come back. I didn't give her an absolutely not, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes either. I'm getting there.
The court will order a paternity test once the baby is born, but she is saying that he is the father. If they are still seeing each other I don't know. At this point I don't care. She's been moved out about a month now, and every now and then I do miss her being there. That will pass in time.


----------



## BK23

I can't imagine going back and raising some jerk-off's kid. This is a controversial position, and I don't know what your beliefs are, but I would expect her to abort if she really wanted me back.

That being said, stay far far away. You are better off with her in your life as little as possible.


----------



## calmwinds

Not sure about the state where you live, but where I am, if you have done the deed since legal papers were filed, it nullifies everything and you have to start over...


----------



## weightlifter

So when is she due? 
Still seeing him? Is he still unemployed?


----------



## jlc29316

I don't believe in abortion. So that wasn't an option. Adoption was.
She is due in December. The attorney thinks the judge won't allow the divorce to be final until after the baby is born.
Don't know about him. Don't care.


----------



## Acabado

Does it mean the jude is already planning to make you acountable for this kids necesitties (CS) regardless the paternity?
It makes sense as judges need "someone" to take care of the child, he/she goes first.


----------



## Acabado

Duplicate


----------



## BK23

Family courts vary on paternity issues. Typically it's a rebuttable presumption when you are married at the time of conception. 

The only times guys generally get screwed is if they hold themselves out to be the child's father and support the child financially for some period of time before contesting paternity. If you demand a test on day one, and do not represent that you are the father, it is super unlikely that you would be on the hook.


----------



## jlc29316

I haven't contested that I am, and neither has she.


----------



## badcompany

You need to record her saying she think's it's his, back it up with a paternity test, you already have pics of them going into the hotel.
Should be a slam dunk if you have everything on paper in pictures and in writing.
Guess you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. What a piece of work.


----------



## BK23

Your lawyer will know what hoops you should jump through to make sure you aren't stuck with this kid. If he or she doesn't, you need a new lawyer. You need to take this very seriously. You could either put this terrible situation behind you in the next few months, or be stuck with a painful and financially ruinous reminder of this for the next two decades. Your choice.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

jlc29316 said:


> I have this fear that she will somehow change her ways and become this awesome woman. Sounds crazy, but I'd hate to think that could've been someone that I could be with.


There's a saying "a tiger doesn't change its stripes" or something like that.

All you have to do is find someone better and consider what a POS your ex is, that shouldn't be too hard. Holy cow I wouldn't want to stay in the same state with her, much less take her back lol. I think getting knocked up by an OM should be a deal breaker in everyone book, that's just the ultimate betrayal a wife could do to her husband. You simply just don't forgive something like that.


----------



## LongWalk

Jlc, be carefull, or the child will be your responsibility. Push as hard as you can for divorce. Go online and read up on the paternity and family law in SC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

JLC

You are in a tough position because you still care for your wife.

But you need to think of yourself and your kids right now.

Be selfish for a change. She certainly was.

I know it is hard because you see Divorce as an end to your family.

But in reality it is a consequence of her horrible decisions and treatment of you/your kids.

SO stay the course. Let her see how the OM supports her and the child.

Stay the man you are. Do not let her ever take that away from you.....

HM


----------



## LongWalk

FISHER v. TUCKER, No. 26845., July 26, 2010 - SC Supreme Court | FindLaw
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23

LongWalk said:


> FISHER v. TUCKER, No. 26845., July 26, 2010 - SC Supreme Court | FindLaw
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. During a marriage, there is a rebuttable presumption that the husband is the father. In this case, the OM rebutted that presumption with a DNA test. Similar facts to this situation, but I don't see JC fighting in court--like the spurned husband in the above case--to maintain paternity of a kid that isn't his.


----------



## LongWalk

BK23 said:


> Yes. During a marriage, there is a rebuttable presumption that the husband is the father. In this case, the OM rebutted that presumption with a DNA test. Similar facts to this situation, but I don't see JC fighting in court--like the spurned husband in the above case--to maintain paternity of a kid that isn't his.


I don't think it is easy to see all the weird things that the law can spring on you. The posOM may try to claim paternity. Who knows.

If JC stays married and takes this kid as his own, well, his wife will figure that cheating works just fine and from a biological point of view it increases the variation in her offspring.


----------



## Anuvia

jlc29316 said:


> I'm glad I posted this, because I want you all to snap me back into reality. The fact of the matter is, and I know this, that I don't necessarily want her back, but I'm just holding onto the memories. And the one thing I need to realize is I'm only thinking of the good memories, not the painful ones. Probably because I'm trying to supress them.
> So we had a long talk yesterday over the phone, and she asked me if I would ever want her to come back. I didn't give her an absolutely not, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes either. I'm getting there.
> The court will order a paternity test once the baby is born, but she is saying that he is the father. If they are still seeing each other I don't know. At this point I don't care. She's been moved out about a month now, and every now and then I do miss her being there. That will pass in time.


Stop messing with that woman before a judge makes you responsible for the kid that she is carrying! WTF is wrong with you? You wanna pay child support for another man's child? Dude, I really want to call you a name right now but I'd probably get banned for it. Seriously man WTF is wrong with you? Keep that woman far far away from you.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

Please do not allow your self to fall for her ploy. Enough already.. You have been a doormat long enough. Why set yourself up to go through it again? Do you not think highly enough of yourself to realize you can do better than a girl that uses you for financial security but is not right in the head and will continue to step all over your marriage, your heart, your family. She is as toxic as they come. Do not ever sleep with her again. Get the divorce final and start your love life over. Once you go on a date or two life will start to get back to normal. You do need to play her hero any longer.


----------



## weightlifter

There are tests ?which use antibodies? in the mothers blood that can determine paternity without injecting into the placenta.

There was one such case on here say February-ish. The guy whos wife screwed in FL then some other guy. Forget the name of the OP.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

This thread is making me sick........


----------



## turnera

jlc29316 said:


> I haven't contested that I am, and neither has she.


 I'm pretty sure if you're married when the baby is born, YOU are responsible and considered the father, unless you jump through DNA hoops. And if she doesn't agree, it'll be on YOUR dime. Push your lawyer for faster. You can decide if you want her back later, when you're single.


----------



## badcompany

Once the baby is born, the DNA test is easy. Cotton swab inside the cheek and/or a few hairs with root from everyone and send them in.


----------



## LongWalk

The court may freeze divorce proceedings until the child is born. But it is important not to have sex and live together.


----------



## DavidWYoung

Wow, I am so sorry for you. Please keep us posted.


----------



## warlock07

jlc29316 said:


> And as someone asked, yeah she does feel remorse. She has cried to me saying how sorry she was for everything. She'd wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares about everything. She has said how much she appreciated all that I did for her now that she has to do all those things (tidy up, pay bills, etc.).


She misses her butler?


----------



## walkonmars

It's been pointed out already but it bears repeating - you may be jeopardizing your case for infidelity if you have sex with her after you've discovered it. It can be seen as acceptance and forgiveness. 

If she wants to fight the divorce and gets a sharp atty the first thing they're going to ask her is if you've had sexual relations with her. Be careful


----------



## lordmayhem

warlock07 said:


> She misses her butler?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## life101

Sad, just sad.


----------



## LostAndContent

How was court dude?


----------



## LifeGetsBetter

jlc29316 said:


> Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...
> 
> Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.
> 
> Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.
> 
> Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.
> 
> This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.
> 
> She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.
> 
> Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.
> 
> I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.
> 
> I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.
> 
> Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.


I’m sorry that I dug up an old post, but as I was reading this one, I was getting angry about how sad and pathetic this guy was. How could anyone look at their selves in the mirror and consider themselves to be a man when they are treated like an option, a second choice, a fallback, a doormat, and every other name.

The reason why this angers me so much is because…this was me. I wanted to logon as my old username, but I couldn’t find the password, so I did some searching and found the original post. Almost four years have passed since the only life that I knew, a life of turmoil, fighting, disloyalty, and abusiveness, came to its closing moments. It didn’t necessarily come to an end, because the person that she broke still went on a broken person, carrying this heavy baggage into a new relationship. I don’t really want to go into details about it, but what I carried into a new relationship from this one almost destroyed it. But it was only through patience, that this new woman in my life, took this broken person and built him back up, stronger than ever. She pieced together a man that had been shattered from fifteen years of mental and physical abuse. I never knew what love was until I gave it a chance. What I thought was love was a skewed vision of reality because it was all I knew. I don’t want to go into every detail of the past four years, but I will say this…
After a little over three years in this new relationship, we married in February. I have my two children, who are now 16 and 7, along with her two children, who I love dearly, that are 15 and 7. As for my ex-wife, she passed away two years ago due to suicide.

I will be happy to answer any questions you may have, there is just too much to talk about. But I will say this…life does get better.


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## GusPolinski

Sorry for your loss.

Hopefully you -- and your kids -- are doing much better these days.


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## LifeGetsBetter

We are doing good. When she committed suicide she had actually been out of their lives for over a year. I was given full custody of the children in 2014. She saw them a few times within that year.


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## GusPolinski

Do you have the kids in counseling?


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry for the loss of your ex. I understand she had no longer been in your life but she was the mother of your kids so it had to hit them hard. 

What led her to commit suicide?


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## eric1

Wow, JLC, that's tough. Most importantly it's awesome that you've moved on and are in a great place.

It's truly valuable when folks like you show back up to let the freshly-destroyed see that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## LifeGetsBetter

GusPolinski said:


> Do you have the kids in counseling?


I've thought about it a lot. I know my oldest had a rough time for a while, but I probably need to have him see a counselor. He stays to himself a lot as far as his feelings go, so talking to a stranger may be beneficial. The youngest vaguely recalls anything. She calls her stepmother "mommy", which she has been. She has been her mommy while her biological mom went off the deep end.


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## TDSC60

Some people are just self destructive and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I am glad you found a good woman to pull you out of the hole your ex put you in.

One question - well two actually. Did she wind up with the tattooed dildo? What happened to their child?


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## Roselyn

OP, have courage and divorce. You are Plan B. She is keeping you around for monetary purposes; including financing the lifestyle of her lover. A relative of mine did the same to his working wife. They have filed for bankruptcy already twice. You will be in financial ruins if you keep her. You would sabotage your children's future as well. Save yourself and your children.


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## LifeGetsBetter

TDSC60 said:


> Some people are just self destructive and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I am glad you found a good woman to pull you out of the hole your ex put you in.
> 
> One question - well two actually. Did she wind up with the tattooed dildo? What happened to their child?


Believe it or not, me and him are actually cool with each other now. It's a situation of he found out that I wasn't a bad guy like she made me out to be, and he wasn't that bad a guy she made him out to be. He has his issues, but for the most part, he's doing okay now. Simply put, it was her manipulating us both to make us hate each other. She thrived on it. They ended up getting married in 2014 I believe, but separated not too long afterward in 2015. They were separated when she committed suicide. 
I don't have any ill feeling towards him...if you read the OP, he saved my life. Oh and the child, she is doing well. She is with his mom right now.


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## LifeGetsBetter

Read my update from the other day...the original post is from 2013.


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## turnera

Please do consider getting your kids in therapy. Children of suicide are often more likely to have long-lasting trauma and issues and may even see it as an option.


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## DayOne

Roselyn said:


> OP, have courage and divorce. You are Plan B. She is keeping you around for monetary purposes; including financing the lifestyle of her lover. A relative of mine did the same to his working wife. They have filed for bankruptcy already twice. You will be in financial ruins if you keep her. You would sabotage your children's future as well. Save yourself and your children.


Did you actually read today's update? :scratchhead:


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## Jasel

Sorry for your loss 



Roselyn said:


> OP, have courage and divorce. You are Plan B. She is keeping you around for monetary purposes; including financing the lifestyle of her lover. A relative of mine did the same to his working wife. They have filed for bankruptcy already twice. You will be in financial ruins if you keep her. You would sabotage your children's future as well. Save yourself and your children.


You have to read the update.


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## LifeGetsBetter

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sorry for the loss of your ex. I understand she had no longer been in your life but she was the mother of your kids so it had to hit them hard.
> 
> What led her to commit suicide?


I don't mean to sound like I'm arrogant, but I believe the turning point in her life was when she knew for certain that I was done with her. And I don't even mean the divorce...I'm talking after that. After we divorced, a lot of **** went on between me and her that threatened my current relationship. She totally lived rent free in my head, I will not deny that. She would still come over to the house to "see the children" after they were placed in my custody. 
Long story short, it came down to my current wife giving me the ultimatum that it was either she or my ex. That was when my balls dropped and I told her to get the hell off of my property and never come back. After that, it was pretty much further downhill for her. She lost her job not too long after that, lost the house that her and her husband got, moved into a crack motel, got addicted to drugs (any drug she could get her hands on), and put in jail several times. She eventually moved in with her mom in her final months.

The last time I saw her was not too long before she passed away. Me and my wife (girlfriend at the time) stopped at a convenience store and I ran in to get something. She was in there at the counter and she was totally strung out...to the point she still had the tourniquet around her arm. She saw me come in and before she left she said something to me about the kids, which I totally dismissed. And that was it...


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## GusPolinski

LifeGetsBetter said:


> Believe it or not, me and him are actually cool with each other now. It's a situation of he found out that I wasn't a bad guy like she made me out to be, and he wasn't that bad a guy she made him out to be. He has his issues, but for the most part, he's doing okay now. Simply put, it was her manipulating us both to make us hate each other. She thrived on it. They ended up getting married in 2014 I believe, but separated not too long afterward in 2015. They were separated when she committed suicide.
> I don't have any ill feeling towards him...if you read the OP, he saved my life. Oh and the child, she is doing well. She is with his mom right now.


He involved himself with a married woman -- he was exactly what _he made *himself*_ out to be:

A piece of ****.


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## LifeGetsBetter

GusPolinski said:


> He involved himself with a married woman -- he was exactly what _he made *himself*_ out to be:
> 
> A piece of ****.


I can't deny that.


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## hylton7

was she still sleeping with you after the divorce?
your new wife said her or your ex?


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## Roselyn

DayOne said:


> Did you actually read today's update? :scratchhead:


Yes, I read his update. He may be going through the process, but he is not committed whether she is out or not. I believe that he is waffling.


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## Roselyn

Jasel said:


> Sorry for your loss
> 
> 
> 
> You have to read the update.


Yes, I read his update. I do not believe that he is firm on where he would stand. He did not tell his wife that he will not want her back, even though she is pregnant and told him that he is not the father.


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## GusPolinski

Roselyn said:


> Yes, I read his update. I do not believe that he is firm on where he would stand. He did not tell his wife that he will not want her back, even though she is pregnant and told him that he is not the father.


He is married, but not to the same woman that was his wife at the beginning of the thread, as she has since died as a result of suicide.

They'd divorced some time before that.

Her child by OM (who she married) lives with OM's mother.

(Note that he is now posting as @LifeGetsBetter.)


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## LifeGetsBetter

Roselyn said:


> Yes, I read his update. I do not believe that he is firm on where he would stand. He did not tell his wife that he will not want her back, even though she is pregnant and told him that he is not the father.


I'm lost...my ex-wife is dead.


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## Roselyn

GusPolinski said:


> He is married, but not to the same woman that was his wife at the beginning of the thread, as she has since died as a result of suicide.
> 
> They'd divorced some time before that.
> 
> Her child by OM (who she married) lives with OM's mother.
> 
> (Note that he is now posting as @LifeGetsBetter.)


Thank you for the clarification Gus. I must have missed his post that he had changed his name post from jlc29316 to Life Gets Better. I thought those two were different posters.


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## LifeGetsBetter

Roselyn said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> 
> He is married, but not to the same woman that was his wife at the beginning of the thread, as she has since died as a result of suicide.
> 
> They'd divorced some time before that.
> 
> Her child by OM (who she married) lives with OM's mother.
> 
> (Note that he is now posting as @LifeGetsBetter.)
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for the clarification Gus. I must have missed his post that he had changed his name post from jlc29316 to Life Gets Better. I thought those two were different posters.
Click to expand...

No problem...I didn't even think about that.


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