# my love has mood disorder and i need support



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Hello everyone, i am really in need of some support and advice. The woman I am in love with suffers from depression and mood disorder. She gets very low at times and very anxious at times as well. I am getting used to the highs and lows, and learning the triggers. I am really doing my very best. I respect her deeply and care for her deeply, I just get very frustrated with being allowed in so close to her, closer than ever before and then shut out. It feels like the closer we get , the more rapidly she will shut me out. We do spend time together each day, we talk every day, she talks about how she feels every day, but i am really just trying to get a handle on the closeness and the followup distance. 

Can anyone relate to this? I know she is very sincere about how she feels, i also know she really does suffer from her illness, she has also been hurt many times in the past and that comes into play as well. I don't know what to do sometimes, i care for her so deeply, but i also love and care about myself, and at times i don't know if i can handle this. She is wonderful, and worth it to me, but i am just getting close to the end of my rope. Any help, or similar experiences would be appreciated. I do love her with all of my heart, and the times she lets me in so closely are magical and amazing, but i really am craving a constant connection with someone. I am just a bit down today i guess, the other night we were closer than ever before, and yesterday we were as well, and today I can just feel her shutting down. :scratchhead:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SVA, in deciding whether to pursue this woman, an important issue is what type of mood disorder she has. The two most common causes of mood swings are drug abuse and a hormone change (e.g., pregnancy or perimenopause). However, you mention nothing about these occurring. I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of mood changes are bipolar disorder (which my foster son has) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, which my exW has).

Consequently, I suggest you read my description of the differences between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers and BPDers in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/59344-confused.html#post1175425. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Although you will not be able to diagnose your GF's illness, you are capable of learning how to spot the warning signs. Take care, SVA.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

Is there a chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) where you live? They usually have a support group for spouses and family members. The organization is a little 12-steppy, but the people there are all going through the same thing you are going through, and can offer you a shoulder to lean/cry on, resources to take advantage of, or strategies to help.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Unless she gets professional help, there will be more bad than good days. Depression affects the immediate family almost as hard as the depressed IMO. 

You can be perfect and it wouldn't be enough to keep them happy when there in that "Zone" as I call it.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> It feels like the closer we get , the more rapidly she will shut me out. We do spend time together each day, we talk every day, she talks about how she feels every day, but i am really just trying to get a handle on the closeness and the followup distance.
> 
> I know she is very sincere about how she feels, i also know she really does suffer from her illness, she has also been hurt many times in the past and that comes into play as well.
> 
> i really am craving a constant connection with someone. I am just a bit down today i guess, the other night we were closer than ever before, and yesterday we were as well, and today I can just feel her shutting down. :scratchhead:


I agree with other posters.

I don't think you would be happy with her in a long run and vice versa. When you say, "closeness" - are you referring to sexual intimacy or just emotional closeness like cuddling, hugs and such? Or both? How long have you known this lady? Have you been together for a long time? I doubt if this situation is making her happy either, I can imagine.

If you have the "constant need for connection with someone" -which may include sexual intimacy (?) and she simply, does not, then perhaps, you have a partner, who is essentially a mismatch. If she has a history of trust issues as well as attachment issues etc, then you have your answer. I doubt these things will suddenly disappear. Either you learn to accept these or move onto pasture new. Only you can decide that.


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## jsh1220 (Oct 14, 2014)

homedepot said:


> Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Unless she gets professional help, there will be more bad than good days. Depression affects the immediate family almost as hard as the depressed IMO.
> 
> You can be perfect and it wouldn't be enough to keep them happy when there in that "Zone" as I call it.


I have to agree, this is coming from myself who has mental illness. I'm not sure what your wife expresses to you when you guys talk about her problems, but in my case (if this helps you any) is that basically I wake each day with intentions of being happy and making it a good day, and then when things are smooth, everything is good. If there is a bump, I lose it. My husband actually just told me this tonight that no matter what he can never make me happy. And, I do get irritable for stupid little things, and I can't handle stress. I try to be a better person all the time but I really just can't. So with that being said, if your wife is willing, I would suggest some therapy for sure. She might have past troubles from childhood that affect her (which is my case) or could be some form of mental illness through health issues or genetics, etc.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Hi, SVA. Sorry for your relationship struggles. Sounds like you care very much for your partner and it causes you great pain when the highs turn into lows. It can be like loving someone who is emotionally unavailable - the unavailability makes the pain worse b/c the good times are so good and you, of course, want it to be stable and always be dependably good; who wouldn't? 

In my case, my husband is often unavailable due to his physical illness necessitating a great deal of rest and sleep. I spend many evenings and weekends alone, have no physical relationship, and have had to learn to pursue my own life. Additionally, his illness had greatly changed his personality; no one has ever been able to give an explanation exactly why the changes have come about, whether due to meds, the difficulty of coping with physical pain and the shock of having an awful physical illness change your life and your partner's, possibly some mental issues in the mix, etc. The wonderful marriage I had in mind when I walked down the aisle has not come to fruition. This has all been a little more than the better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health vows I took. Yes I agreed to those things but I secretly hoped it wouldn't ever be poor/worse/sick. 

My suggestion to you would be to decide if you love her enough that your life would be poorer if you were to separate. Can you accept that your entire life could be like it is now or even worse? Are you willing to pursue a life of your own when those bad times come and you're feeling shut out and lonely? Do you have friends, family, support, interests, social activities, etc.? If you are married, would you consider divorce or would you rather do whatever it takes to find a way to live within the situation? 

In my "vast" experience with marriage - I waited till mid life to marry to make sure I dealt with my issues and sowed all my wild oats to make sure I was the best marriage partner I could be, but despite my best efforts, having a marriage which has been in many ways sad and lonely due to circumstances beyond the control of either of us - the one thing I have found was not to depend on my partner to meet all my needs. I must find my own life. When I feel disappointed if he comes home from work and immediately goes to bed or spends the better part of the weekend in bed and I am left alone to fend for myself, I have learned to pursue those things that I enjoy: reading, faith, volunteering, meeting a friend for coffee, taking a walk, etc. 

Could you handle losing everything you value in this relationship - physical love, companionship, financial security? If it all came down to just being roommates and/or caregivers, could you do that? If you are one of those wonderful selfless people who could handle whatever comes along and just continue to love unconditionally and be grateful for the good moments, you're a winner.


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