# I don't think my marriage works anymore...



## Polaris7 (Feb 10, 2018)

Hi, im new around here, a quick brief of the situation:

I've been married for 6 and half years, one kid and a baby that went to heaven.
Situation with the wife has never been good, constant fights, verbal abuse from both.

We married really young in our early twenties because i wasnt smart enough to use protection and got her pregnant, i grew without a father and didn't wanted my son to grow alone too, so we married...

First months of marriage were ok, a fight here and there, nothing to worry about, then all hell broke loose when my first baby died a couple of hours after born, that destroyed us as parents and as a couple, months following my son's death were unbearable, we felt like we couldnt go on, life was miserable, we started fighting about everything, every single day, we would come and go and nothing seemed to help, one day we had a huge fight and i started packing my stuff to move out, that night my wife cried so much and i couldnt stand seeing her like that, i decided to stay and we talked about everything, from that day on, our relationship improved so much, we barely fighted, we would talk about the things that made us mad or uncomfortable and things were going so well, that lasted like a year maybe, then, things got worst, slowly decaying, we started having financial problems, a lot... Our relation took a hit from it, we started fighting daily, verbal abuse started, and all went to hell...

A couple of years ago my second son was born, he became the light of my eyes, relation seemed to improve a bit after my son was born, but something always felt wrong.... So wrong.... We started talking about divorce, even tried to separate a couple of times but we always end up togheter, my wife is depressed, she says she can't stand me anymore and i can see it in her, she's not the same anymore, im not the same either, she finds everything in me annoying and i basically find everything annoying in her too, im far from being an acceptable human being, i know i can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but i try to be as good as i can...

We barely have sex anymore, mostly because i don't want to... I just don't feel it anymore, but i havent told her... It's not because i don't find her attractive, i do, but i just cant bear the thought of having sex wen we had two or three fights the same day! 

She started accusing me of having an affair wich is completely wrong, i never had it and never will, id rather separate than having a romance.... She became awfully jealous, i feel attacked all the time ... As i said before im no angel and i can be quite a piece of work sometimes (im cranky, i have never been the center of the party) but shes not perfect either....


I dont know what to think anymore, i dont know what to do, i feel like i still love her but I'm not sure she feels the same anymore....

Is it me thats just trying to make things work when its not worth anymore?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Loss of a child can be devastating to a marriage. A higher percentage of these marriages end up in divorce. Counseling is a must. 

Neither of you seems to understand basic principles of a marriage and therefore have been unable to conduct yourselves in a manner that would foster a chance at a good relationship. 

Like many so young, you both are simply following a script that you saw played out in your families. 

There are steps you can take that might help, but resentment is a tough hill to climb. I don't know how far gone your situation is, but you might look over some ideas and see what you've been missing. 

I'd not stay in such a marriage. I would however look to myself and see what improvements I could make to myself and to do things that would create a better relationship. Then my wife could decide if she wanted to join me or I'd be ready for someone who would. 

How much counseling have you both had? 

You might start here... A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Hold on to Your NUTs


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get some good long term MC. You owe it to your son to make that effort.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You have several real-world issues going on here. This is beyond the realm of strangers on the internet. You will need some serious, professional marital and perhaps individual counseling and therapy. 

Even if your marriage is not destined to continue, the counseling and therapy may help you sift through the layers and help you two to at least understand each other better and learn to communicate more effectively and be more cooperative and collaborative so that the divorce is not as toxic and destructive to each of you and your child any more than it needs to be.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well from the sounds of it, there are many many issues with this marriage. Beginning with the fact that you didn't get married for the right reasons. Per your OP, you got married because " i grew without a father and didn't wanted my son to grow alone too". I don't see any mention of love, compatibility, shared dreams etc etc. Sort of sounds like it happened because of an accident you are trying to make right.

Everything that followed (with the exception of your lost child for which I am truly sorry) is a result of getting married for the wrong reasons. Your wife is depressed and she can't stand you. You don't have sex. You fight constantly. Unless you are willing to live in that world you have to change something.

If I were you, I would start with myself. You have to do what is best for you. Doing so will be best for everyone, especially your son. Do you want to see your son grow up in an unloving relationship, void of sex and full of arguments? Because otherwise, he might end up making the same mistake as you and marry for all the wrong reasons.

So, my advice is to end your marriage. Get a divorce. Work on yourself and become a positive roll model for your son.


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