# Anybody here been able to turn a seemingly hopeless situtation around?



## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

I realize that this may not be the place to ask this. People who have been able to turn their relationship around probably aren't out here, but I'm willing to take the chance and ask.

I mean my situation seems so hopeless (you can go look at my other posts). My wife has "made up her mind" and it seems there is nothing that I will be able to do to budge her from this position. I've moved on in my head, but If there was any way things could work out, I wouldn't pass up the chance.

Have you or anybody you've known been in such a situation and turned it around? How did you do it?

Some people say I need to give her her physical and emotional space. Well, that's what I'm doing, but I feel like I also need to maintain some sort of dialogue going on or do little things that remind her I care about her, no matter how cynical she may be right now.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Yes... I have several postings here that tell all about how horrible my life was. I have talked about how my wife instantly came out with wanting a divorce upon her late arrival from work.

She told me the things that she had "had enough" of and the "reasons" for wanting to part company, but none of them seemed to make any sense. They were all valid complaints, but nothing that should have ever led to that moment. She didn't shed so much as a tear as she watched my world shatter and rain down onto the ground.

She told me that she had originally planned to just leave on the first of the year and didn't want to broach the subject until then in order to ensure that everyone had a decent holiday, but that since I dragged it out of her, she had to tell me that she wanted the divorce before the holidays. She told me that we would share the same room until after the holidays, but that I was to give her privacy, and that I was not allowed to touch her in any way whatsoever.

In the days following that discussion, I did some serious self-reflection. I came to the conclusion that not only did she not like me, but I didn't particularly care for myself either. Immediately, I launched into research, study and self re-invention.

The more I tried to make the changes for the betterment of myself, the more resistant she became to me. The more I tried to do nice things for her, the angrier she became with me. It became evident rather quickly that it wasn't just the divorce she had her heart set upon, rather that I was now beginning to get in the way of other plans that she had so carefully laid for her future without me.

I was not to be shaken. After all, after she left, I was going to have to be proficient with the laundry machines and the kitchen appliances, so it was in my benefit to become someone I was proud to watch shaving in the morning.

I told you in another post that I caught her in an affair. She forgot to delete his cell phone number from her recent calls list and I noticed a 34 minute conversation at 6:30 in the morning on her way to work. I looked him up by his number and found out his address, which I put into Google Earth, clicked the "Street view" button and saw a picture of his house with her car in the driveway at just before dusk.

That aside, once ALL of the cards were out on the table, we decided that our marriage was worth fighting for at least once. We had a hard time, mostly because she was not being honest about the depth of her affair(s) or how many there had actually been. I began to find things that she had signed up for in her maiden name - like an e-mail address... packages that she ordered that were delivered to her in her maiden name, etc. 

Fast forward a month and change and things are going really well. I have again found the woman I fell in love with. She seems to have found the same in me. She tells me often that she is so happy that we found each other again. We have shared a great amount of affection. We have laughed and cried. We have had good days and bad ones, but now, we face the challenges together.

We have learned that love is not only something you can manufacture, but that the only way to have love is to make it. It doesn't magically occur. It won't "just happen" as it seemed to in the beginning some 7 years ago.

We are not in the process of planning our "re-marriage" to take place hopefully late summer.

So to answer your original question, Yes. we have been able to turn around a seemingly hopeless situation. It was not easy, but after a lot of studying, crying and reading, the storm appears to have cleared and the sun shines through once again.

May I recommend signing up for Mort Fertel's free e-mailings... They actually have a lot of good information and inspiring thought. Also, see the movie "Fireproof" While the actors are not the best, it is a great movie that is sure to churn up some feelings.

Good luck, and let us know how this all shakes out. Please do update us often and feel free to ask for help, or just talk about your feelings.

~Moog


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## ttorfin (Feb 26, 2009)

moogvo what books would you recommend reading?


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thank you so much moogvo!!!!

From what I had read of your other posts I thought every thing was over for you and your wife. I need to up my ADD meds 

I feel like I've done more damage in my getting to the place I am now, but you're words are encouraging.

How did you interact with your wife while you were working on yourself. There's no affection in my house and we're pretty much roommates sleeping in different rooms.

I was already doing all the cooking and most of the child care when she dropped the bomb on me, because that's where I thought the problems were. Now we're "roommates" I asked to split up the cooking. I do my own laundry.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Books I have read are "Torn Asunder" Great read! It gives many perspectives on the entire situation. It is good for both partners in the marriage. The other one that I am still working on is "First Aid for the Betrayed". Great also, but not as much so as Torn Asunder.

tinbergen, This is definitely a difficult question. Every case is different. For me, I didn't believe that my wife felt the way she said she did. I was a bit clingy at first. then I would have good days and bad days, but what I realized is that I had to respect her space. I would drag her into conversations that she probably didn't want to have - I probably distanced myself more by following her around and smothering her than I would have if I had just been passive.

Still, the best advice I can offer is to remember what made the two of you fall in love in the beginning - Then, just be yourself. Take on the responsibility of taking care of yourself. Make your self improvements - not for her, but for yourself. This is the ONLY way it will be a permanent change... This way, you won't be reliant on Hardee's burgers and Swanson Hungry-man dinners in the end!


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

I'm sorry I'm not understanding something you said...



> I would drag her into conversations that she probably didn't want to have - I probably distanced myself more by following her around and smothering her than I would have if I had just been passive.


Are you saying by smothering her or talking in her "just to be connected" probably pushed her farther away? That if you had been more passive it would have been better?

Because that's how I feel...


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

No, not so much... The conversations would come across to be "preachy" and even desperate. She would eventually tell me that she had heard enough and then just got up and walked away.

I should have focused more on being a friend to her, and not so much on being clingy. I suspect that had I continued on the path I was on and I had not found out about her affairs or if she had not been seeing someone else, I would probably be alone right now.

I did not give her the space she wanted to have. So, in retrospect... yes. Talk to her. Be her friend, keep the lines of communication open. bring her flowers once every week or so. Do nice things for her... DON'T smother her with it, but make every attempt to bring her back into the "courtship" phase of your relationship that probably deteriorated long ago and far away.

Steer clear of the deep muddy conversations for now. Once minds begin to clear, there will be plenty of time for that. Stay away from the "Sappy Side".

The best thing you can do is to work on yourself first. Show her that you don't NEED her (Don't TELL her) Just show her that you can function perfectly fine with no assistance from her. Be confident in your actions and abilities. be confident in yourself. Confidence is HOT!


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thanks, Man!


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## Still Hoping (Jul 17, 2009)

I have been scouting message boards for months looking for success stories. It seems that rarely do people follow up on these forums if things have worked out. Why would they? They have a life that they are moving on with and I assume generally stop visiting the places that they went for comfort when they were in such pain.

I am in a similar situation to many of you and through my support network of family and friends have learned of more success stories than I though possible. People that I have known my entire life have come back from the brink of divorce and I had not even known that they ever had problems. The only reason that they told me about their issues now is that I am having similar issues.

Success stories that I have learned of since my marriage situation began:

1) My sister & her husband - After months of unhappiness, he moved out, found another woman, and moved across the country. Six months later he came back and asked her to try again. 12 years, 2 kids later they are happier than ever.

2) My cousin & her husband - she started as the unhappy one. Over a year of unhappiness living together then she moved out for 5 months. She was unfaithful and decided that she wanted husband back. By then, he didn't want her any more. Guess what. They made it. Lots of effort, counseling, and soul searching and they are stronger than ever. 

3) My Aunt & Uncle - She moved in with another man for a year. That was over 35 years ago...they worked it out, had two more kids and are retired old people living in the country now.

4) My Sister In Law and Her Husband - I had no idea that they were on the verge of divorce nearly 8 years ago. 5 kids later and a strong faith in God, their marriage is stronger than ever.

Success stories are out there. People just rarely want to talk about them. Once they patch things up, they just move on. Hopefully the ones in my family will keep someone out there motivated to try just a little bit harder.


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## BadKarma (Jun 27, 2009)

Moogvo, the start of your story sounds a lot like mine. The more I try to show her my love, the more she is being smothered. After last night, I think she has some things to think about, I really laid it out there against Mort's advice. 

She'll have her space soon when she moves out. 

Did you ever go thru the motions of fileing for divorce while she was away. I want her to sign the decree before she moves out to protect both our interest and to keep us from using our daughter as leverage when/if things get ugly down the road.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you Moogvo and Still Hoping for those examples.

It helped me knowing there is someone that has turned things around.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

Hailmary,

i can attest to the **** NO NOTHING EVERY TURNS AROUND!!!!

I have been in the same ****ed up relationship for 10 years now. couldn't afford to move out for the longest time, plus the impact on the kids......finally 3 years ago I moved out but then got all caught up in her hanging with some idiot who had my kids collecting knives and talking about getting mohawks, etc.... so i moved back in..... nothing changed.... she still did **** behind my back but at least I could hang with he kids and keep them away from idiots....

kids are now 12 and 14 and it is time to get the **** out again and hope for the best..... life is too short....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Not with a man who I was romantically involved with

but situations that seemed hopeless had once been turned around with a relative. It took only 30-35 years but it did get turned around.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm wondering this myself. Both my estranged husband and I have tried to get divorces rolling. Both attempts have failed. He tried to file for divorce in 2007. Some really strange things happened with his flights, so he missed his legal appointments. Although I filed for divorce in April, it got "suspended" by the attorneys today. We can't stand each other, but I'm left wondering why we can't seem to get a divorce processed. Hopeless or not?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

827Aug said:


> I'm wondering this myself. Both my estranged husband and I have tried to get divorces rolling. Both attempts have failed. He tried to file for divorce in 2007. Some really strange things happened with his flights, so he missed his legal appointments. Although I filed for divorce in April, it got "suspended" by the attorneys today. We can't stand each other, but I'm left wondering why we can't seem to get a divorce processed. Hopeless or not?



Maybe he is delaying your divorce so he doesn't have to marry his now GF ?

He can just say " well, I'm still legally married"


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Preso, I would tend to agree with you, but the "suspended" attempt was my fault. I can be a stubborn woman and this is one of those times. The spouse and his lawyer demanded I turn over bank statements for the past four years. I said "no". These five accounts are joint accounts. The spouse has just as much access to them as I do. Therefore, I told him to go get copies. I'm not sure why we don't get anywhere with divorces. HailMary, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Your post made me wonder about some things though.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well hmmm.... I don't see how this would work when it's the man who wants out. Getting back into the courtship phase? bring him flowers once a week? doesn't seem like that would help, if you know what i mean. 



> She told me the things that she had "had enough" of and the "reasons" for wanting to part company, but none of them seemed to make any sense. They were all valid complaints, but nothing that should have ever led to that moment. She didn't shed so much as a tear as she watched my world shatter and rain down onto the ground.


man does that sound just like me! 



> The more I tried to make the changes for the betterment of myself, the more resistant she became to me. The more I tried to do nice things for her, the angrier she became with me.


And this is so him. But without an affair to get him to open up and talk, it doesn't seem like anything will help. He's done. Thru. No longer wants anything to do with me. Feels nothing but anger, frustration and disdain.

So I felt the only thing left to me was to shut him out of my heart. He had done the same to me. Told me he was leaving and getting a divorce in Jan. Seven months later he's still here, still breaking my heart daily. I'm in retreat for self preservation. 

BUT - I'm sticking to the good changes I've made in myself. I'm getting out more and meeting people because I really need some validation of my worth as a human. He's shattered not only my heart with this, but my belief in my self and value as a human. For the first time since we've met, we now go our separate ways and do things without each other. Today he's going shooting with our best friends. No mention of me or if I'd like to go. Left me at home with a bad eye infection and a screaming baby. He once told me that love meant never having to do things alone - I took that to be a spin on the old 'for better or worse' and 'I promise not to exclude you from my fun things I do' We lived this for three years. Now it's gone.

Having done everything I could to be romantic, sexy, fun, and getting only negative and increasingly hostile responses while he upped his affection and love and kisses with the kids and even the CAT, I decided enough was enough. 

I think without some HUGE catalyst like catching your wife in an affair (or three) that there would and could be no change. He has no reason to work things out, no reason to talk to me, no reason to change. He just wants out and to get on with his new life. 

And my six year old has a Mohawk - does that make me a bad mom? LOL

In closing I think reconciliation is possible and even likely if BOTH people want it. Doesn't seem to matter what happened, what went wrong. If both are willing to see the best in the other and really try, it's not impossible.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Still Hoping,

Thanks for putting up the family stories of reconcilliation. It helps to know that people in far worse situations than I have put it back together.


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## daisy1926 (Jul 19, 2009)

My situation is pretty hopeless as well. H told me that he didn't know if he loved me anymore and became a shell of his former self. I then find out that he has been talking to a ahem..woman (I use this term loosely) that he went to school with on facebook. Apparently, he didn't have any problem talking to her. I would like to think that he loves me somewhere deep down...and wish with all my heart that we could find the couple we were years ago. Crying sucks.


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## BadKarma (Jun 27, 2009)

I had a big turn around this weekend. For those who don't know my story, the W was basically set to move out Aug 1st. A lot of it stems from years of marriage lazyness, and disagreements on money, I say we should save, she wants to spend it. 

Anyway, there was a guy she had been emailing and talking too that was not helping the situation. I found out about this one day when I accidently openned her email. She didn't know I knew his name till this weekend.

I had some friends in low places do a back ground check on him and found out he apparently has a live in girlfriend type person. I suppose it could be just a roommate, but at 35 years of age, I suppose he's past that stage. 

I wrote a letter to the W appologizing for invading her privacy. I was in the middle of writing it and refering back to the email I made a copy of when she snuck up behind me and caught me. I hadn't decided when to give her the letter, I guess fate interviened . 

Accusations of me reading her mail were made, she does trust me bla bla bla. I fired back with I not being the one who can trust her, she goes on like this behind my back all month. Once she saw the letter I wrote, she realized I maybe wasn't such a sneaky bastard. 

We broke into our most heated argument yet, it still never made sense to me why she wants to move out. She explains (again) that she wants to travel and do more things. I explain she's going to be further away from doing those things if she moves out and and gives up a large portion of out household income. The reality that this other guy is probably just playing her, and her pride that once she said she wanted to move out, she wouldn't take it back was starting to crack.

Finally out of the blue, she said "fine, Ill stay!". I was speachless. That wasn't the response I was expecting. I think her pride finally broke down. After a 10 minute cooling off period, we started talking again. I could here the relief in her voice, I think she genuinely wants to stay. I know we need to start from square one, rebuilding our marriage, but at least she's staying in the house. 

After we took our D to her vollyball game, she started calling around cancelling the apartment lease, the utilities, and changing the furniture deliveiry to our house (we needed new couches anyway). The next day we returned a TV, towel and other house hold goods she purchased for the move. 

Almost like a switch, we are talking about our future together again. We know we have a lot of work to do, and we both know we are not out of the woods. We are going to give it a little while, and then hit the Marriage Fitness program again.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good to hear BK. That is a good step forward. Best of luck and keep us posted.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Ok... Bad me. I am guilty of having not been here in quite some time.

First... Snix, Check your PM for a reply on an observation you made earlier.

Second - yes, it seems that once people are able to move on from the troubles that eventually plague most of our relationships, they do indeed seem to move on and never come back again. 

Personally, I left not because my marriage was all fixed, but because there was beginning to be a bit of heat over my postings and I felt it best to disappear for a few months.


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