# Just an update (kind of...)



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Had a very good therapy session with my wife last night.

The therapist says that she's going through a transitional period - similar to a MLC - which was brought by Chronic Fatigue and Fibro and being sent home from her job as a nurse only 3 months after having finished nursing school.

Wife has a lot of anger with herself because she feels like she's failing at her marriage and feels guilty because she doesn't have the desire to be around the kids (or me) that she had several years ago. She admits that she isn't sure what she wants to do - she only knows she's not happy and she's just avoiding dealing with her health issues and the marriage.

She's finally starting to see that she could actually lose me during this process. She said that she agreed we weren't ready to get back together, but she's still mad that I don't WANT her to move home - because I've ALWAYS wanted her. She asked how much longer I was willing to wait - I told her that I was OK for now, but couldn't promise I'd still be there when she's ready to move on with her life.

I'm starting to feel a bit indifferent - and that's actually kind of scary to me.

The MC seemed to think it was a positive sign that my wife seems to want me to go check out her late night "hangout" sometime. That if she had some sort of "special friend" she probably wouldn't want her husband coming around.

Not sure I should still be here in the Infidelity section, but this is where I've done most of my posting because of her two EA's (which have been over for nearly 9 months) and her continued need for space/privacy which furthers my lack of trust.

Thanks for listening.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Goodmorning, 
You sound like you are such a patient person, I'm sorry things seem to be going slowly in the process. Remember it's all a process to see where you both want things to go from here...
I guess there really isn't a time line.......I think the two of you will know when you are ready to move forward or call it quits.
Just keep working on yourself and taking care of your kids....
If it's meant to be then you will work it out.....if not you tried all you can and have been very patient and understanding with her...........
I'm keeping my fingers crossed to you two.......


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

At least you are communicating somewhat and she has not completely taken you out of her life like my H has me. Him and his family treat me now like I am the one that had the affair. Keep communicating even if it is for unimportant things. I hope things work out for you better than it did for me.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> The MC seemed to think it was a positive sign that my wife seems to want me to go check out her late night "hangout" sometime. That if she had some sort of "special friend" she probably wouldn't want her husband coming around.


Hi trip 7's. Thanks for the update.

As for the above, I'm no professional marriage counselor, but I don't see it as at all positive. I see it as a desperate move. Reason's?

1 - If it is a single "special friend", he knows what you look like and they are all on the lookout for you. 
2 - If she's there because she likes to flirt with the boys, she can stop when you're around.

Find a PI. Tell him where this place is. Have him sit at the bar for an hour or two and report back. I guarantee it'll be a lot different than if you show up announced.

Good luck,
Cody.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Cody5, I'm not trying to bag on you and your apparent amazing psychic jedi powers, but why is this not a positive for nice777guy? Either his wife is abnormally slow; which I doubt because she's a nurse, or she's clean.

He doesn't need a PI. I happen to live in a rather large city in California, and personally it seems as though I can't go out without "running into" someone I know. I can't imagine his wife would be willing to "carry on" in an environment where it would be so easy to "bust her".

I'm not cheater, but I am a thinker. I can't fathom that anyone would be that transparent with their infidelity. I would imagine that discretion is the currency of the realm when it comes to cheating. Hang in there Nice777guy. It looks like she's beginning to move in the right direction. Now let's just work on getting her home and out of that "hangout".

LIL


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Mr. Nice guy needs to read "No more Mr. Nice guy" or "Love must be tough". He is financing his wife's single life style. Basically allowing her to live without consequence to her actions. He is actually hurting her physically, because of the life style he is paying for her to have. He doesn't realize that if he would "man-up" his wife could actually start respecting him, which may turn her around. Right now she is acting like a spoiled child and he is acting like coddling parent. He thinks that if she is not yelling and screaming at him, their relationship is on the road to repair. LOL. The most that Mr nice guy can expect by acting the way he is, is to get back his old wife, with the same problems. 

Hey Mr. Nice guy. If she isn't ready to come home and be part of the marriage, then let her crash and burn. Out of the rubble, she could rise like a phoenix. But as long as you keep putting the fire out, she will only look at you as a weak man who is only worthy of contempt and the stroke of a check. Wake up.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OK – I’m a bit pi$$ed off. Wasn’t going to respond, but what the hell.

Mr. Init - You were so proud of your advice that you posted it to TWO of my threads. Thank you for your concern.



Initfortheduration said:


> Mr. Nice guy needs to read "No more Mr. Nice guy" or "Love must be tough".


In recent months I’ve read about half of “Co-dependent No More”, completed “The Way of the Superior Man” and “Not Just Friends”, and have just started working my way quickly through Dr. Harley’s “Surviving the Affair.” I have a copy of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” – bought it through Amazon a few months ago – and I will make it next on my list.



Initfortheduration said:


> He is financing his wife's single life style.


That’s one way to look at it. You could also say that I’ve continued to support my wife (yep, I’m still married) in every way possible through a difficult time. I guess you could call me foolish/stupid/etc. – you could also use words like Patient, Loving and Kind as well. And however you want to label my wife's current lifestyle, one of the few things that I’m sure of is that she is not happy.



Initfortheduration said:


> Basically allowing her to live without consequence to her actions.


I agree. My good nature, good income and dedication to being the best father I can be have allowed my wife to avoid dealing with her somewhat unfortunate circumstances. I’ve been patient – but this needs to change soon.



Initfortheduration said:


> He is actually hurting her physically, because of the life style he is paying for her to have.


PLEASE clarify. This sounds like it may have been included for simple dramatic effect.



Initfortheduration said:


> He doesn't realize that if he would "man-up" his wife could actually start respecting him, which may turn her around. Right now she is acting like a spoiled child and he is acting like coddling parent.


OK…won’t argue that its time to become more firm. But I’ve also come to believe that part of “Manning up” is to not just blindly follow the advice of well-meaning strangers I meet on the internet, no matter how dramatic their argument.



Initfortheduration said:


> He thinks that if she is not yelling and screaming at him, their relationship is on the road to repair. LOL. The most that Mr nice guy can expect by acting the way he is, is to get back his old wife, with the same problems.


Glad you are getting a laugh out of this. I completely agree that we are not on the road to recovery and that my wife is not making any of the necessary changes. I’m not sure why you think I’ve been fooled into thinking that things are better. My original post was in regards to what I felt was a good therapy session. Not that we made progress towards reconciling, but because our discussion was much more frank, honest and deep than it has been in a long time. These types of discussions are needed for us to understand where we truly stand and how we truly want to proceed.

My wife is becoming increasingly angry that I’m not asking her to come back home. She’s also cried about how she’s tired of living this way. I’ve responded to both attempts to manipulate me in the same way – calmly telling her that we are not ready to live together again.



Initfortheduration said:


> Hey Mr. Nice guy. If she isn't ready to come home and be part of the marriage, then let her crash and burn. Out of the rubble, she could rise like a phoenix. But as long as you keep putting the fire out, she will only look at you as a weak man who is only worthy of contempt and the stroke of a check. Wake up.


Once again – partial credit for good content, but also taking some points away for style. 

You are correct when you say I need to stop putting out her fires and let her crash and burn. But I must admit that after 14 years of marriage, 4 years of dating, and 4 years of being incredibly good friends, it is incredibly hard to sit back and allow someone to self-destruct. I don't think this makes me weak - just human.

And although I don’t agree with many of HER decisions, I’m comfortable with mine. IF this ends I will be able to look back and say that I did my best and held up my end of the bargain. 

My wife may view me as weak – certainly sounds like you do. But how others view me is not how I define myself. If 50 people read this, there will be 50 different opinions of how I’m handling things. The only opinion that really matters to me is my own.

I PM’d you and asked to hear a bit more about your story and more importantly how you are doing today. Thank you for your concern and support.


----------

