# Sex and scheduling with my husband



## Red19 (Oct 23, 2018)

May be a little long to read...
Been married for 5 years together almost 9.

My husband and I have always fought about sex. This is the ONLY thing we fight about. We agree on everything else from raising our kids to social life to activities we enjoy! Our life from everyone's perspective is perfect!

Not good with words so will try my best to describe us. My husband is a very sexual being. Grew up with parents who openly talked about sex and were also swingers. He was exposed to porn at a young age. I grew up with parents who guarded me and said sex was bad and always told me to stay in my "box" say no if u dont want it! Always told at dinner table "are you really going to finish that? You are going to get fat" this upbringing has affected my adult life with self confidence issues and always thinking my body is ugly.

That being said when i met my husband our sex was great in my opinion and i am sure his too. Once we got married, he really opened up to me about what he wants sexually. He wants intimacy and passion which i do too. But he also wants alot more kinky things. I have drastically came out of my bubble to try alottttt of these things and enjoyed most. Some I have closed off on and not enjoyed and he has made me feel terrible for not doing them. As i see it, i have done and tried manyyyyyy things for him in the past (whether it be sex clubs, bdsm, roleplay etc..) All this is extremely hard for me with self confidence issues but i soldiered thru and enjoyed some.
Our life lately has been extremely busy with my food business and us playing sports all the time. I havnt put him first when it comes to sex. He told me "maybe i need to call your company and put in an order for sex tonight and that will get your attention" mind you that we have already had sex 3 times since the weekend and its Tuesday. But it wasnt the sex he wanted. He wanted the aggressive get stress out sex. Anytime he asks for a BJ im there no matter what even if im not 100% in it. Im not big on scheduling sex because i think it loses the "moment" and it puts stress on me to fulfill whatever he is asking for and i freeze up and i end up failing during sex. But then i get from him " u only want what u want when u want it and i get screwed on what i need" i understand his point dont get me wrong. If im not feeling doing that specific act do i fake it to make it? Like hes told me to do before and has done many times with me? If im super horny and hes not, he puts on his big boy pants and goes along with it. I guess i should do the same. 

Sometimes i feel when we fight about this...i just want to say....i have done and tried so many things with u and for you....why is it not enough? *Will i ever be enough?

I have no-one to talk to about my issues but my husband will go to work and tell all his boys and get advice from them. I guess I just needed to vent and let out how i feel because I am only wrong in his eyes when i try to tell him and makes me feel worse.
thanks for listening*


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think his expectations are too high. 
It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself a little bit and stop letting him boss you around. He says that he puts his big boy pants on and has sex with you when he doesn’t want to, but you do the same. Make sure to tell him that. 

Your allowed to say no. Your allowed not to like something. I know that you know this, but does your husband? Because that’s a huge deal if he thinks your suppose to not have any opinions, Likes/dislikes and do anything he wants. You need to have a conversation with him about this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It sounds like you both could benefit from seeing a sex therapist (and maybe individual counseling as well). Your childhoods were polar opposites but it's clear you both have sexual issues stemming from that. A sex therapist can help you both work on your individual issues, and how to communicate these issues as a couple. Do you think he would be open to that?

You said he makes you feel terrible for not doing certain sex acts, what is he doing/saying for you to feel that way? He shouldn't be wanting you to feel bad for that, especially when you're doing plenty of other things. You are not his sex slave.

Does he do things for you (like oral), or is it all about him and his needs being met?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think he is being way too demanding on you especially because it is you who has gone more towards his needs. I think you have made a huge effort and he should fully 100% respect that.

On another note it is completely unfair of him to hide this from you before marriage and then spring it on you like this.
I think you should stand up for yourself. He is being unreasonable.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sounds to me like he hid his sexuality until he married you. Then all of a sudden he wants things many of us would tell him no. I would not go to sex clubs for instance. Doesn't have to do with big girl pants has to do with my boundaries. I don't think he entered this marriage honestly.

He is being unreasonable but he's not going to see it that way and this will continue to be a source or bad blood in your marriage.

You were together 4 years before you got married he had plenty of time to let you see what he wanted before marriage. This is completely dishonest.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think this is one of the side effects of porn... normal sex just is never good enough... 

I think a family being open about sex is a good thing, but hubby’s exploration into porn as a child was probably damaging...could be a bit of the problem.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Red19 said:


> Sometimes i feel when we fight about this...i just want to say....i have done and tried so many things with u and for you....why is it not enough? *Will i ever be enough?*


Desire needs distance and you have every right to tell your husband that you really want to desire him, and that you need a little distance (sexually speaking). 

Make your husband very aware of your ideal frequency for desiring sex with him. Compare that to his ideal frequency. Make him very aware that pushing someone beyond their desired frequency is just as problematic as depriving someone for less. Work out a compromise (which is easier said than done!).

Be strong and just be yourself! Be unapologetic about how you feel. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Red19 (Oct 23, 2018)

bobert said:


> It sounds like you both could benefit from seeing a sex therapist (and maybe individual counseling as well). Your childhoods were polar opposites but it's clear you both have sexual issues stemming from that. A sex therapist can help you both work on your individual issues, and how to communicate these issues as a couple. Do you think he would be open to that?
> 
> You said he makes you feel terrible for not doing certain sex acts, what is he doing/saying for you to feel that way? He shouldn't be wanting you to feel bad for that, especially when you're doing plenty of other things. You are not his sex slave.
> 
> Does he do things for you (like oral), or is it all about him and his needs being met?


No he is so good about meeting my needs any time I want them and how i want them and that is the biggest thing between us, is i don't or sabotage a "scheduled" time because im worried i will fail during. This has happened many times. How do i just let my brain let it flow organically? This is big thing for us or him....

We have done sex therapists and marriage retreats but i seem to go back to my roots of failing all the time and as he says "u never fix the problem" honestly he overpowers a fight and i just have to agree with him and say i will fix.myself. But never do...i am just so lost right now


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## Red19 (Oct 23, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Desire needs distance and you have every right to tell your husband that you really want to desire him, and that you need a little distance (sexually speaking).
> 
> Make your husband very aware of your ideal frequency for desiring sex with him. Compare that to his ideal frequency. Make him very aware that pushing someone beyond their desired frequency is just as problematic as depriving someone for less. Work out a compromise (which is easier said than done!).
> 
> ...


I wish i could do that....he doesn't care about frequency but the quality of how we have sex and i freak out and get in my own head that i will mess it up if he comes up with a specific idea for that night. I unintentionally sabotage it somehow


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Red19 said:


> I wish i could do that....he doesn't care about frequency but the quality of how we have sex and i freak out and get in my own head that i will mess it up if he comes up with a specific idea for that night. I unintentionally sabotage it somehow


Worrying about pleasing a partner is perhaps a universal struggle. Awkwardly it is the notion of being erotically selfish and pleasing yourself (while with a partner) that is the key to unlocking great sex, but almost everyone struggles with feelings of guilt and that they don't deserve the pleasure that they want for themselves. 

Talk to your husband about that. Instead of him coming up with an idea, perhaps the idea is that you take turns allowing each other to be very selfish (can't include pleasuring the other person) and see what happens. 

Badsanta


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Pppffftttttt ...... or perhaps his expectations are far removed from reality and he has managed to convince his wife that the blame is on her.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Red19 said:


> We have done sex therapists and marriage retreats but i seem to go back to my roots of failing all the time and as he says "u never fix the problem" honestly he overpowers a fight and i just have to agree with him and say i will fix.myself. But never do...i am just so lost right now


Do you truly believe there's something about you that needs fixing? This question branches out in two directions.

First, there could really be an issue that you aren't dealing with. In therapy you might be saying all the right things to convince the therapist you're committed, and maybe you're good for a couple of days after. But does history repeat itself? Is this a Groundhog Day thing where after a couple of days you're thinking "Why should I have to" and revert? Do you have a super-strong self-preservation mode that you just can't seem to over-ride? That's my wife's playbook. It's tough to crack.

Second option- Maybe his requests simply aren't reasonable. Continuous escalation of sex in a long term relationship, even continuous variety, is not the norm. Yet people can be very happy with variations on a theme. I don't agree that porn=bad in every case, but it is possible that he's holding himself, and you, to an impossible standard.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What does failing at sex mean?


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