# The No-Kids Requirement



## moco82

Quite a number of women's dating profiles lists "no kids" as a requirement for a dating prospect. A reasonable requirement, but seems a bit rude and perhaps short-sighted to post up front.

Anyway, my question is for the ladies of TAM: do you ever encounter the same requirement listed up front by men in their dating profiles? Wonder if it's something men would not be able to get away with.

UPD: Assuming the prospective partner is not expected to help with or even meet the kids. Blending families is out of scope.


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## lifeistooshort

Why is that rude?

If they don't want to deal with your kids don't you want to know that up front?

The fact is that kids are baggage not everyone wants to deal with. More people should be honest about this.

Plenty of men don't want to deal with other mens kids and that's their choice. I have no idea why you think men can't get away with this. They can and do.

I suppose if one has kids it's a little hypocritical to refuse to date someone who also has them, but nothing entitles one with kids to a partner that doesn't have kids.


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## EleGirl

There have been threads here on TAM started by men stating that they would never date a woman who has children. A lot of the men who replied on the threads agree with this.

So yea, I guess some men, if not a lot, don't want to have to deal with a woman's children fathered by another man.

I think that it's better for a person to state this up front on a dating profile. That way you don't waste your time with them.

By the way, after the experience I had step parenting, I would not ever want to date and/or marry a another man who had young children at home. I might consider dating a man whose children were adults and did not live at home with their father.

ETA: I want to clarify that I love/adore children. But being put in the step-parent position is a completely different situation.


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## ne9907

I do not find it rude at all.
Some men also prefer women who have kids, and post it on their dating profiles.

I personally do not care either way


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## moco82

There is quite a difference between dating someone who has kids and step-parenting (or even ever seeing) said kids.


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## Ynot

moco82 said:


> There is quite a difference between dating someone who has kids and step-parenting (or even ever seeing) said kids.


Yabbut, most people using OLD are looking for a relationship of some sort and not just "dating" (aka hooking up) so the notation is relevant. Most people don't want to waste their time on someone who has an obvious red flag for them. The hope is that if you do date, it will eventually become a relationship, which would entail dealing with the kids at some point. So why take time from dating someone you may have a possibility with just to date someone you know you don't.
Personally I have nothing against children, but I raised mine, Now I want to enjoy my life without the burden.


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## EleGirl

moco82 said:


> There is quite a difference between dating someone who has kids and step-parenting (or even ever seeing) said kids.


In addition to what Ynot said above, there are issues even if the intent is to only date.

A person who has young children is not free to date on many holidays, many weekends, and other days/times when they have their children.

That means that the person they are dating will be spending some of the best days of the year alone, without their dating partner.


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## Married but Happy

In my dating days post separation, I knew it would be almost impossible to find women who did not have kids (surprisingly, though, most of my good matches and dates did not have kids and had never been married). However, I did not want to date anyone with kids more than a year or so younger than my own, and did put that preference in my profile. That worked out well, as I met someone with kids not too different in age.

Being clear about what works for you is always a good idea. It's not rude - unless you phrase your preference in a rude manner.


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## uhtred

I think politely listing any preferences is completely fine. Restrictions may limit the number of responses, but it avoids disappointment all around.


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## Satya

OLD profiles are meant to be a filter, for both the authors and the observers. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

If you don't like what you see, you carry on.


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## NextTimeAround

After my divorce, I managed to find lots of men who were child free. One of the advantages of living in a big city. I thought that if I were to get serious about a man with children, I would have to see a man who has clearly worked out proper boundaries between him and his children. If having young children makes have "proper" boundaries difficult, then I guess I would never a guy with young children,.

It's been a while on message boards to see a post in which someone moaning / trying to work out dating a man with children and figuring "what's fair." I remember one woman complaining because her guy had promised that he would move house with her when his youngest child started university. At that moment it wasn't happening AND she was calling the daughter a princess.

Competing with children just makes you look, well, childish....... so it's best not to engage.


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## moco82

Thanks for the responses. After considering what I haven't considered before, I think I myself became more closed-minded about women with children. May even post these reservations on my profile.


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## SimplyAmorous

I think people should be as forthcoming and honest in their dating profiles as possible.. I remember coming across one looking for single friend.. where he laid it all out there.. what weight was acceptable.. . to click away if you didn't meet this criteria, that criteria...his "out for the night romp" expectations... of course he came off as very RUDE...He was a hot male stud who just wanted fun for a night... period... no strings.. no expectations other than ONE NIGHT...

The more I thought about it.. wouldn't it just be better to be this honest up front.. so one could weed people out..why waste anyone's time.. if you feel strongly an any of these things.. be upfront... those who don't fit ...should click away....

I have 6 kids.. if my husband dies on me.. I'm screwed.. but ya know what.. if that's how some men feel.. I'd rather know than deal with being dumped shortly after -for no reason other than.. kids are a burden to them....

I would think what kind of kids you have might make a difference too... not all kids are relentless rebellious brats.. Even I wouldn't want to date someone with a problem child from hell, on drugs, daily grief going on... I can understand that.. as such a brat would be a revolving part of your lives.. but what if the kids were good kids.. did their own thing.. a little older.. I can't see how this would be an issue with many people.. unless they wanted to marry and never be a Step parent of any sort.. which is understandable too.


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## Ynot

My ex had a five year old son when I met her. I vividly remember having a conversation in my own head about whether or not to get involved. It was in affect a package deal. I could not have her without him. And if I became attached to him, I could not have him without her. Plus I knew it wasn't fair to him to become involved and then suddenly gone, so I gave it a lot of thought. In the end I think I probably came to the conclusion that I had to accept him first before her. Which is what I did. Like it or not if you date another person with children, it is a package deal. You better be willing to accept the other person AND their children. Because in the end it isn't you and the other and then their children as a separate deal. It becomes you, the other and the children (all of them) together.


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## Kivlor

OP, I think that the honesty is paramount. If kids are a deal killer, then a person with kids should know that at the start. Why should someone waste time with a person that would be incompatible? The only reason to hide this requirement at the outset is to deceive / sleep around, IMO.



EleGirl said:


> In addition to what Ynot said above, there are issues even if the intent is to only date.
> 
> A person who has young children is not free to date on many holidays, many weekends, and other days/times when they have their children.
> 
> That means that the person they are dating will be spending some of the best days of the year alone, without their dating partner.


Indeed. Great points Ele. 

Also, I think there are far, far deeper issues when the intent is only to date and kids are involved. It's not good on kids to see mom or dad parade a conga-line of partners through their lives.


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## Spicy

Super interesting topic.

I only used one OLD service and it was brief. It allowed you to mark Yes if you had kids, and it also asked if you wanted more children.

For those that know me, they know I met my DH within 2 weeks, so I didn't use the service for long...BUT, I had thought about what I wanted ahead of time. I love kids, like love love love them, all ages, babies on up. Sitting where I sat at that time, all the sorrow that my two kids were coping with when their seemingly perfect world was shattered by mommy moving out, I felt that I only wanted to date men with no kids or grown kids. I told myself how absurd that was, and even how unfair to plenty of very nice gentlemen. At that time and place in mine and my kids life, I could not imagine trying to blend them into a household with other kids, and I didn't want to do that to them.

My DH has no kids. Things have been as smooth as they could be for the situation.


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## *Deidre*

It's not rude, if someone doesn't want to date someone because he/she smokes, has kids or any other factor...it's best to say it up front.


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## joannacroc

I love my son, but since I don't want him to get attached to guy before I've had a chance to get to know him, it would likely be several months before I introduced them. Add to that the fact that I'm often not free since I'm spending time with my son, and don't live the care-free, bar-hopping, manicured existence of a single gal, and a lot of guys would be put off. I think the reality is that most people, women or men, would like to think they aren't bothered by the person they're dating having kids. But when confronted with demanding schedules, and the realities of dating a single parent (less primping/gym time, less disposable income etc. etc.) they realize it's just not for them. And that's fine. 

When you love your kids, you want the person you end up with to be kind to them, accept them, be a good role model, and all of that stuff. It's a lot of pressure if you don't have kids of your own. I can completely understand that some guys won't want to date me. I'm actually grateful if they include that in their profile, because we wouldn't be well-suited.

Don't think it's insulting, or any more insulting than them listing their other preferences. For example, I can finally admit to myself that I am just not attracted to men who are shorter than me. It might make me superficial, it might be cruel, but to my mind, it's crueler to start dating someone, then decide the attraction isn't there because you push aside your own preferences in favor of being the "good guy." Just as you can select height ranges on many dating sites, most put in a detail about "has kids" or "wants kids" and that way you can find someone who meets those criteria. 

I see a lot of attractive guys, likewise, who in their profiles don't appear intelligent, are just looking for a hookup, or do drugs. I don't judge them for being/wanting those things, but those things aren't attractive to me so we wouldn't suit. I'm rambling. But...does that makes sense?


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## soccermom2three

I don't think it's rude either. Men or women should be able to choose whatever filters they want on their profile.

I do think that depending on age, it does limit your choices if you place "no kids" as a filter. 20's, chances you're going to get a lot of hits with people that don't have kids. 30's, 40's and 50's, the matches are going to be fewer.


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## 3Xnocharm

I don't think its rude at all. Its so much better to have that honestly up front. Its certainly no different than the people who post on the OLD profile that "my children are my entire life and my first priority always, if you cant deal with that, then don't bother with contact" or something along those lines. People actually put that. While I admire the dedication to your children, letting potential partners know that they will never be a priority is pretty off-putting, in my opinion. 

I didn't put on my OLD profiles anything about not wanting to deal with YOUNG children, I would just weed out the one's who had photos of them and their kids that showed how young they are, or check through their profiles about ages, or if they messaged and mentioned it. I have raised my own wonderful daughter, I have no interest in raising someone else's little ones at this point in my life. I enjoy my free time now. Any younger than like 9 or 10 is not something I care to deal with right now.


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## Chris Taylor

moco82 said:


> Quite a number of women's dating profiles lists "no kids" as a requirement for a dating prospect.


I can understand a woman not wanting to date a kid. Why wouldn't she want someone more mature with a job and can drive.

What am I missing?

:smile2:


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## moth-into-flame

I absolutely want to know up front if a woman doesn't want to date a guy with kids. Why waste your time, only to find out you're incompatible because of that? I pass directly over the women on Match who list "no kids" as a requirement of a partner, and pass over the women who say they want kids in the future.


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## fall222

I'm a woman and I don't want to date men with kids unless they are grown. I did it before and I spent a HUGE amount of time alone. Some holidays alone and just basically still felt like a single person. Then there is the ex that is always around. Yuk. Why on earth would anyone want that. ?

After years together he still did not want to get married until he saw how me and his ex got along. I was like ummmmm really. Hell no. She is not for me to deal with.


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## Rowan

moth-into-flame said:


> I absolutely want to know up front if a woman doesn't want to date a guy with kids. Why waste your time, only to find out you're incompatible because of that? I pass directly over the women on Match who list "no kids" as a requirement of a partner, and pass over the women who say they want kids in the future.


I was the same when I was doing online dating. I really wanted to know as soon as possible where a man stood regarding children, so as to avoid wasting either of our time.

I have a child, so "no kids" guys weren't going to be a good fit. I cannot have any more children, so the ones who were looking to start a family weren't going to be a good fit either. And, to be honest, my son is a teen and I wasn't really very interested in starting again with raising young children, so I steered clear of men with littles at home. The age range of the men I was looking for meant that it really wasn't all that difficult to find prospective matches with older or grown children.


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## moco82

Kivlor said:


> paarade a conga-line of partners through their lives.


Um... why introduce your kids to everyone you date?


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## moco82

3Xnocharm said:


> "my children are my entire life and my first priority always, if you cant deal with that, then don't bother with contact"


I'll bet 100% of these profiles were women's. I would love to write something along those lines in my profile, but as a guy I cannot afford that.


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## moco82

moth-into-flame said:


> I absolutely want to know up front if a woman doesn't want to date a guy with kids. Why waste your time, only to find out you're incompatible because of that? I pass directly over the women on Match who list "no kids" as a requirement of a partner, and pass over the women who say they want kids in the future.


How wide of a pool did that leave?


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## 3Xnocharm

moco82 said:


> I'll bet 100% of these profiles were women's. I would love to write something along those lines in my profile, but as a guy I cannot afford that.


Nope, these were men. This statement in a dating profile just leaves a bad taste for me. Number one, if you have kids, to ME, it goes without saying that they are the most important thing in your life. What kind of parent would you be otherwise?? Number two, this statement tells me that I am going to take a back seat to the kids. Who wants a relationship where they are irrelevant? That's not a partnership to me.


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## moco82

3Xnocharm said:


> it goes without saying that they are the most important thing in your life. What kind of parent would you be otherwise?? Number two, this statement tells me that I am going to take a back seat to the kids. Who wants a relationship where they are irrelevant? That's not a partnership to me.


Taking a back seat to kids does not consign one to irrelevance, nor does it make partnership impossible.

The parent him/herself takes and all his/her needs take a back seat. Everyone takes a back seat. Yet somehow most people find a way to partner with their spouse. I guess I'm struggling to understand how you envision partnering with someone who has (a) kid(s).


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## browser

moco82 said:


> Quite a number of women's dating profiles lists "no kids" as a requirement for a dating prospect. A reasonable requirement, but seems a bit rude and perhaps short-sighted to post up front.
> 
> Anyway, my question is for the ladies of TAM: do you ever encounter the same requirement listed up front by men in their dating profiles? Wonder if it's something men would not be able to get away with.


It's not rude and it's not shortsighted in the least and by putting it "right up front" it saves both potential partners a lot of valuable time.

What's the point in saving that bit of news for later?

I mean it's not like saying "Double amputees need not apply".


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## onepotatotwo

moco82 said:


> Quite a number of women's dating profiles lists "no kids" as a requirement for a dating prospect. A reasonable requirement, but seems a bit rude and perhaps short-sighted to post up front.
> 
> Anyway, my question is for the ladies of TAM: do you ever encounter the same requirement listed up front by men in their dating profiles? Wonder if it's something men would not be able to get away with.


Why is it any more rude than men who post dating profiles with their kid(s) in the photo(tacky and just wrong) and start their profile with "my kid(s) is/are my entire world"????? Where in that do I feel I might be included? It's basically saying hey I'm a good dad, I value my kids and I'll try to fit u in as time allows... Maybe I don't want to be someone's afterthought or get scheduled in after homework and sports. 

I think it's better for everybody to be upfront. I don't want to date a man with kids either...been there, done that, over it. And instead of the guy saying he's looking for LTR...right after saying how his kids are his whole world...he'd be better being honest like, I got two hours a week for you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 
Honesty is just easier and lets everyone weed thru the bull**** faster.


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## fall222

Amen one potato two!! Yes exactly. I have done some online dating and I'm deleting all men with kids and especially those who say things like my kids will always come first they are my whole world etc. I believe in serious relationship taking the relationship as the first priority after the kids basic needs of course. But kids wants come after that of a spouse.


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## moco82

Two hours on Tue and Thu? Half my kingdom for a woman who offers such terms!


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## prunus

moco82 said:


> Quite a number of women's dating profiles lists "no kids" as a requirement for a dating prospect. A reasonable requirement, but seems a bit rude and perhaps short-sighted to post up front.
> 
> Anyway, my question is for the ladies of TAM: do you ever encounter the same requirement listed up front by men in their dating profiles? Wonder if it's something men would not be able to get away with.


I'm separated and not dating (in fact the very thought scares the crap out of me). But, I know a couple of things that I won't deal with and one is a man with kids younger than mine. I was (technically still am for a few more months) married but was a single parent because STBXH wasn't there. Physically, yes. Emotionally, nope. I love me kids, but I can't fathom raising toddlers, etc. anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm

onepotatotwo said:


> Why is it any more rude than men who post dating profiles with their kid(s) in the photo(tacky and just wrong) and start their profile with "my kid(s) is/are my entire world"????? *Where in that do I feel I might be included? It's basically saying hey I'm a good dad, I value my kids and I'll try to fit u in as time allows... Maybe I don't want to be someone's afterthought *or get scheduled in after homework and sports.
> 
> I think it's better for everybody to be upfront. I don't want to date a man with kids either...been there, done that, over it. And instead of the guy saying he's looking for LTR...right after saying how his kids are his whole world...he'd be better being honest like,* I got two hours a week for you on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
> *Honesty is just easier and lets everyone weed thru the bull**** faster.


Yes, this. If you want to date/be in a relationship, you have to be able to find balance.


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