# my husband left me 4 months pregnant



## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

on february 16th my husband walked out the door with an intention to work on marriage. after just 3 days he asked me for a divorce. he says its to late and our marriage cannot be fixed. i never saw any of this coming.

In november my husband came to me and said that he did not have feelings anymore, and that when he looked at our 1 yr old daughter he felt nothing. i was really concerned. he told me he thought he needed to leave and get his head together. i begged him to stay and he did. i was really concerned about what he said and automatically thought there was more to it, so i looked through his call logs and checked it out. after a little thought i figured he was depressed.

i noticed he had been talking to another girl all hours of the night while i was on vacation. i asked him to please stop talking to her and he said she was just a friend from work. i was not comfortable with him talking to her whether it was my hormones from pregnancy or not. that built alot of stress on my side and i would blow up on him at rear moments about him talking to her. 

in december things seemed to get a little better, our sex life was great and we were truly happy. when i went in for my firstt doctors appointment the doctor noticed i had 2 sacks and no heartbeats. so she brought me back a week later and there was only one sack and one heartbeat. the other baby had dissolved. this tore me up inside to think i couldnt carry a second baby. but i was still happy to have one survive. again the stress from all of this was really getting to me.

in mid january i did something i promised him i would never do again 5 yrs earlier. i used to be a cutter and once again i felt like i could not cope with this anymroe. i called my husband several times that day and could not get an answer. unfortunately i did start to cut for a moment. i was able to stop myself this time and it felt great to stop. it no longer helped me and i realized my family was more important than that stupid stunt i was pulling. i was not able to tell my husband.

one night he felt the band aid on my leg and asked. he was so mad at me and disappointed in me. well the next day he went to work and the person he confided in was the girl he had been talkin to on the phone. things just seemed to go down hill from there. we would argue about his conversations with this girl. it was blow up after blow up. then finally he said he had enough and we could not work this out. he has been gone now for 9 weeks and i am 6 months pregnant. about 5 weeks ago he told me he wanted to persue a relationship with this girl who i feel helped hurt our marriage. i am hurting so bad inside and out. they no longer talk as more than friends, due to me having a civil conversation with the girl. she thought our marriage was over(yeah i know she should have known better, im pregnant)already. any way she stopped contacting him on a regular basis but they still work together.

i want our marriage to work and believe it can work. i feel as though he has been carrying on an emotional relationship with this girl for months now and i am affraid she is going to take him for good. i am moving to my hometown in a couple weeks so i have support from my family during my pregnancy and with my daughter. he chooses to stay here in virgina with a poor paying job. our house is going to forclosure now adn there is nothing left here for him. after my son is born i was going to move to his hometown to go to college and persue a new career.

unfortunately i dotn think he is interested in going. he says he dont love me anymore because i cut again and put our unborn son in danger and that what we had can not be fixed. i want to spend the rest of my life with this man and i love him more than anything. i cant imagine a life without him and really need his suport during this pregnancy. what can i do to get him back? what can i do to fix this? please help me. i really want us to reconcile our marriage, do you think it is possible? does anyone have any idea what could have happened?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

If you were to be truly 100% honest with yourself, what contributions did you make to the break-up of the marriage?

It's by asking that question and not letting yourself off easy that you can begin to try to repair the marriage.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

MsLady said:


> If you were to be truly 100% honest with yourself, what contributions did you make to the break-up of the marriage?
> 
> It's by asking that question and not letting yourself off easy that you can begin to try to repair the marriage.


i am in no way innocent when it comes to him leaving. i was mean and horrible to him after i got pregnant. i would go from laughing to crying to yelling. lets just say i was hormonal emotional and horrible. i should have just let him talk to this girl and left it alone. he has alot of girls that are friends this one just really bothered me. that is why it hurt so bad when he said he wanted to be with her. its almost like i should have known better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can always call his parents and siblings and tell them he's having an affair, and ask for their help. And find out this girl's contact info and call her husband (if one) and parents and do the same. 

You'll never get your marriage back while he's busy investing in another woman. You have to stop the affair first, and exposing it to people he cares about is the best way to do that.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> You can always call his parents and siblings and tell them he's having an affair, and ask for their help. And find out this girl's contact info and call her husband (if one) and parents and do the same.
> 
> You'll never get your marriage back while he's busy investing in another woman. You have to stop the affair first, and exposing it to people he cares about is the best way to do that.


its not necessarily an affair. i believe him when he says he hasnt slept with her. but i did talk to her and told her i wanted my marriage to work. she is actually backing off now. i called her a few choice words too. everyone involved knows about this girl. thats what she is a girl(21). my mother inlaw has actually been staying iwth me for a couple months now because i couldnt afford childcare adn i needed help with my daughter. the stress has caused alot of problems with this pregnancy. although it is really messed up that he already started dating after being gone just a week i really dont think he physically cheated on me. but i have finally gotten her outta picture the best i could. she still talks to him at work and stuff but the going out stuff has stoppped.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If they work together, they will always have a connection.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> If they work together, they will always have a connection.


unforntunately i know that and that is waht hurts so bad. i know they have nothing physical at all. she is not really someone to leave your family for if you know what i mean. she is 21 but looks 12(not just saying that, its actually true this time). she acts teh same way i did when i was her age, listens to same music, and even talks like i do. its like seriously talking to myself. i always thought he was chasing her cause she was a change but it turns out she is me (well you know what i mean). i am leaving next friday to move to tenn then louisiana after my son is born. it scares me to think he is gonna be here without us but icant stay. i have no place to live, no childcare, adn no support at all. he did get another job, i only hope it can help him break away from her for good.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

I'm really sorry that you have been left in the situation you are in.

That said, everything happens for a reason, and you need to pick yourself up and get busy doing what is best for yourself and your kids.

1. Assume for the time being that you are on your own. If your husband comes to his senses later, so be it. But for now you and your children come first.

2. If relatives won't help, contact county services for help on finding a place to live. You are pregnant - they will find a place.

3. Contact a lawyer to make sure you get the spousal and child support you are entitled to. Just because he has left, doesn't mean he is off the hook for supporting you. A lawyer can help sort out your finances and help you prepare for a possible divorce. County services should be able to refer you to low cost or free law services.

4. Seek help for yourself. Continue to get medical care for your pregnancy. 

You are stronger inside than you think.
You WILL make it through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YES! Be SURE you contact a lawyer! He had BETTER be paying child support for the next 19 years, no matter WHAT happens to your marriage.

If you can't afford one, go to Join the Live United Movement when you move, and find the one closest to your new place; they will help you find a lawyer pro bono or that you can afford. They can also help you get counseling, job services, training, prenatal care... Please use them - that's what United Way is for - to help people in dire situations; it's what millions of Americans donate to it for. If anyone deserves to use it, it's you!

And if you feel bad about accepting help, or 'charity,' vow to come back and volunteer for one of their organizations, once you get back on your feet, to pay them back. That's also a great thing to teach your kids, to volunteer.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> YES! Be SURE you contact a lawyer! He had BETTER be paying child support for the next 19 years, no matter WHAT happens to your marriage.
> 
> If you can't afford one, go to Join the Live United Movement when you move, and find the one closest to your new place; they will help you find a lawyer pro bono or that you can afford. They can also help you get counseling, job services, training, prenatal care... Please use them - that's what United Way is for - to help people in dire situations; it's what millions of Americans donate to it for. If anyone deserves to use it, it's you!
> 
> And if you feel bad about accepting help, or 'charity,' vow to come back and volunteer for one of their organizations, once you get back on your feet, to pay them back. That's also a great thing to teach your kids, to volunteer.


i actually have a really good job right now. i have been the main money maker over that last year. but we had to move to a state far away from out homes to get it. so now that i am having complications with this pregnancy i have been using all my leave from work and soon i wont be able to work for 3 months. after that childcare for two kids and a mortgage and car was just gonna be to much. so i am moving to tenn to be with my family til my son is born and i am hoping between my savings and child support for my daughter i will be able to pay my bills. after that i am going to louisiana where my inlaws are gonna help with my kids(babysitting), i have a good job offer out there i just have to wait til i get medical release to start. i really wish i knew where we went so wrong. i thought a man was suppose to stand by you no matter how hormonal and emotional you get during pregnancy. most men would i guess. i love my husband with everything i have bu the needs to grow up and take responsiblity for what hes done. i have accepted what i did and i have talked to someone (councelor) about it. i only wish he woudl be the next to step up and work on this marriage. to many people give up thats why marriages dont last.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can only say that I see so much more these days, that people sometimes truly don't grow up. So they simply don't know how to accept responsibility, and only know how to hop from excitement to excitement, you know?

I really think that this generation is going to go through some major upheaval. In my day, lol, we had layaway, not credit cards, so we learned we had to wait for - and appreciate - what we ended up with.

We HAD to do well in school or our parents kicked our butts AFTER the teacher did; nowadays, the parents chew out the teachers for harming their little babies' feelings by saying they failed a test.

We had 3 channels on TV and no computer, VHS, DVD, or cell phone. So we read books. Or went outside and played with a jump rope. What a novel concept. But our parents would not dream of letting us sit in front of a TV or computer for more than 30 minutes a day. Today, people have a 30-minute attention span, if they're lucky. No wonder marriage seems so boring.

Then, we were ashamed if we didn't finish something we started. Today, you just leave a job if you don't like it; leave a relationship; leave your kids. 

I'm scared.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> I can only say that I see so much more these days, that people sometimes truly don't grow up. So they simply don't know how to accept responsibility, and only know how to hop from excitement to excitement, you know?
> 
> I really think that this generation is going to go through some major upheaval. In my day, lol, we had layaway, not credit cards, so we learned we had to wait for - and appreciate - what we ended up with.
> 
> ...


im part of the new generation i guess but i do feel you. my parents raised us the way you just described. they had their disagreements but they always stood by one another. they raised us to respect ourselves and others. i guess there are only a few people raised like me left out there. what is so sad is that his parents raised him good. he has a family that is absolutely great. and it breaks my heart to hear is mom apologise to me for her son acting the way he is. she blames herself for all this, but she raised him to respect women and to respect marriage. i dotn know what happened to all of it. i really do love him for him. the guy i married was great but the man you grew into over the years got better and now over the last 2 months i dontknow him. but i still see the real him when i look into his eyes so i knwo he is still hiding in there somewhere. ya knwo what i mean


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People who have affairs DO turn into aliens. I've seen them turn into people who will steal entire bank accounts to show off and throw money at their OW, take dozens of trips to Vegas, buy whole new houses...all part of a fantasy world that can't possibly last...yet they do it anyway - because they are addicted to the chemical high they feel when pursuing the forbidden. I've seen them leave wives, husbands, children, entire families...just to get to keep seeing the OW/OM.

It's possible that - if you were to separate him from this OW - the old him could return. But that will never happen until she's out of the picture. So, time will tell.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> People who have affairs DO turn into aliens. I've seen them turn into people who will steal entire bank accounts to show off and throw money at their OW, take dozens of trips to Vegas, buy whole new houses...all part of a fantasy world that can't possibly last...yet they do it anyway - because they are addicted to the chemical high they feel when pursuing the forbidden. I've seen them leave wives, husbands, children, entire families...just to get to keep seeing the OW/OM.
> 
> It's possible that - if you were to separate him from this OW - the old him could return. But that will never happen until she's out of the picture. So, time will tell.


i have definately tried to get rid of her. i talked to her calmly told her she was overstepping boundaries and hurting my kids and me. she pulled away for a lil while but continued to call him all the time and still go hang out with him. so of course i gave her a bigger piece of my mind. i told her i didnt blame her for what he is doing but she is a pretty ****ty person to think its ok to continue on a relationship with a married man with a pregnant wife at home trying to raise his daughter. and of course a few more words. she told me she wanted us to get back together and for us to work things out, but yet she wont cut all contact off with him. they still talk every now and then and work together. of course she dont call him all the time anymore, but she also still talks to him when he calls. until she can get it through her head that what she is doing is just giving him something to chase, it wont ever end. hell he chased me for 2 yrs before i went out with him. i think he likes the chase of it. its not all about sex with him at all. he is actually very respectful when it comes to that. if it wasnt for me being pregnant that little girl would have already had a pretty big reality check if you knw what i mean. its not all her fault but she is condoning all the behavior. its so wrong in many ways. whats sucks even worse is i am pregnant and very respectful of my vows and my body so i dotn sleep around.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why you call their WORK and tell their BOSSES that they are carrying on infidelity at their place of business, and you are wondering whether they are going to look into it before someone looks into a lawsuit.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> That's why you call their WORK and tell their BOSSES that they are carrying on infidelity at their place of business, and you are wondering whether they are going to look into it before someone looks into a lawsuit.


i am scared to get anything else stirred up right now. i would hate to push him further away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

addie, WHICH one of you should be mad?

Why should he ever respect you, if you don't respect yourself?


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## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

Hi Addie,
I know what you are going through is extremely hurtful and tough. I experienced this 3 years ago with my husband and one of his co-workers while I was 8 mo preg with our second daughter. It is VERY painful for you, scary, stressful, frustrating, selfish of him, etc. 
I ended up doing what you are going to do. I left and moved back into my mother and father's house. It was horrible, but I knew they loved me and I needed something stable for me and my daughter and soon to be born daughter. There was no way I could do it alone and did not want to be crying infront of my kids every day either. 
Anyways, I did what you did...contacted her, contacted their job anonymously (although I am sure he and she knew who called) and she got demoted from supervisor... However, in the long run...I felt so ashamed of how I behaved. It was not her doing..she owed me nothing...although a respectful woman (in my opinion) would NEVER do that to someone else if they knew the true circumstances. It made things worse because he hated me even more for getting involved instead of letting him move on. I acted on impulse and anger and I wish I would have had a heart of stone to behave as I needed to. I wish I would have let it be, because she would have soon realized once I stopped fighting for him..that he wasn't much to fight for...I should have been happy to do away with him and pass the burden onto someone who was less fortunate as I ( I had everything I needed- my girls). But I do know how it feels...you love him and that's why you want to fight for him.
The one thing I did right. The pain never subsided but I learned to take care of my one year old and do things for she and I. When I went into the hospital to have my second girl I did not tell him about it. I left him in the dark about his chidren and our well-being. - he found out and showed up and begged to be back in my life. I think some part of him desired the chase- well I made him chase me in a sense. 
We are together and I can honestly say that I will never forget the memories and hurt that I felt. I genuinely hope that you can gather up the strength you need to take care of YOU and your children. It is tough but it sounds like you have family that loves you and that are willing to help you through this. Let them. Let yourself find what is going to make you happy without him if that's what the situation may arise to. Good luck and keep us posted if you ever need anything that's what we are all here for!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just want to clarify that telling their boss is NOT to punish them. It is to STOP THE AFFAIR. 

If she wants her husband back, she has to stop the affair. He will NEVER turn his head back around to see his wife and family, if OW is still in the picture. Exposure is not done to make him mad (though it will); it is to separate them.

Your marriage can survive his anger. It cannot survive him still seeing OW.


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## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

Hi Turnera,
I totally agree. When I called, It was not to punish them. It was to let them know that it shouldn't be happening because she was his superior and he was married...but it did and it backfired on me. But it also let her know that she was in the wrong..


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> I just want to clarify that telling their boss is NOT to punish them. It is to STOP THE AFFAIR.
> 
> If she wants her husband back, she has to stop the affair. He will NEVER turn his head back around to see his wife and family, if OW is still in the picture. Exposure is not done to make him mad (though it will); it is to separate them.
> 
> Your marriage can survive his anger. It cannot survive him still seeing OW.


i definately agree she needs to be out of picture completely. but the problem with contacting their place of work is that they work in retail at bass pro shop. they are in two different departments. everyone in the store seems to know whats going on because when i talked to OW she said everyone was telling her that developing feeling for a married man was wrong. so i knwo people know about it and i know she is trying to seperate herself from this situation but she think s she can still be friends with him. it dont work that way. but all that will happen if i call is that they might both be demoted but that wont stop what they did or stop him from chasing what he think he wants. he is actually in process of getting new job and plans to quit soon anyway. hopefully sooner than later but i think i gotta sit it out and let it be for now.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

mygirls2 said:


> Hi Addie,
> I know what you are going through is extremely hurtful and tough. I experienced this 3 years ago with my husband and one of his co-workers while I was 8 mo preg with our second daughter. It is VERY painful for you, scary, stressful, frustrating, selfish of him, etc.
> I ended up doing what you are going to do. I left and moved back into my mother and father's house. It was horrible, but I knew they loved me and I needed something stable for me and my daughter and soon to be born daughter. There was no way I could do it alone and did not want to be crying infront of my kids every day either.
> Anyways, I did what you did...contacted her, contacted their job anonymously (although I am sure he and she knew who called) and she got demoted from supervisor... However, in the long run...I felt so ashamed of how I behaved. It was not her doing..she owed me nothing...although a respectful woman (in my opinion) would NEVER do that to someone else if they knew the true circumstances. It made things worse because he hated me even more for getting involved instead of letting him move on. I acted on impulse and anger and I wish I would have had a heart of stone to behave as I needed to. I wish I would have let it be, because she would have soon realized once I stopped fighting for him..that he wasn't much to fight for...I should have been happy to do away with him and pass the burden onto someone who was less fortunate as I ( I had everything I needed- my girls). But I do know how it feels...you love him and that's why you want to fight for him.
> ...


it is really good to hear that things worked out for you two. i honestly didnt think that anyone else was in my postion. given that it is a pretty messed up one. women usually run, men are usually the ones that fight. but for a man to leave his young family with pregnant wife is not something i ever thought possible. your story really helped me. i didtn call his work but i did do one thing i was very ashamed of. i contacted her mother(she lives with her mom and stepdad, she is just a kid) and informed her what her daughter was doing and told her my situation and that i wanted to make my marriage work. i didnt say anything negative, but my husband was so mad at me for that. he is calmed down now about it and we get along now but it really blew things up. the OW mother was in this same situation when she was 4 months pregnant with becca(OW). her husband left her for another woman and never looked back. so of all people i thought she might understand. i would hate to see this pattern continue with my own daughter. i will fight everyday to bring her daddy home, but now i know the only way to fight is to not fight at all. just sit back andlet it pass in time. it just dont seem fair at all. i have wonderful support from both my family who lives in tenn and his family who lives in louisiana. his mother has been hleping me out with my daughter and packing my house now for the last 8 weeks. she is a god send. she dropped her life in louisianna to come across the country to help me out. i couldnt ask for a better mother in law. usually people have a great husband and bad inlaws. in my case i have great in laws and a confused(bad) husband. wierd i know. did yoru husband just have an emotional affair or did they let it go to a physical affair? how did you get over it?


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## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

addie,
It is so good to hear that your family and his family are very supportive. That is one thing that will help you through this. It is a strange situation to be in and it does feel like you are the only one suffering...Just know that you have support and people that love you and lots of great advice on here! Sadly, it was both...emotional and a physical affair. It was really heartbreaking because I was the first and only one he'd ever been with and then she took something that was mine...ya know? I can't say that I am over it fully. I always remember it and still get an upset feeling in my stomach when I think about the pain it caused..but I do think about it less and am not always reminded of it.
I learned to hide it away because crying to him about it just caused more problems. Some thing we women just need to do is either accept it or don't and move on.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

mygirls2 said:


> addie,
> It is so good to hear that your family and his family are very supportive. That is one thing that will help you through this. It is a strange situation to be in and it does feel like you are the only one suffering...Just know that you have support and people that love you and lots of great advice on here! Sadly, it was both...emotional and a physical affair. It was really heartbreaking because I was the first and only one he'd ever been with and then she took something that was mine...ya know? I can't say that I am over it fully. I always remember it and still get an upset feeling in my stomach when I think about the pain it caused..but I do think about it less and am not always reminded of it.
> I learned to hide it away because crying to him about it just caused more problems. Some thing we women just need to do is either accept it or don't and move on.


was he having affair beffore he left. or did it turn physical after he left you? why did he say he left you? im so confused about all this and i dont knwo wether to ever expect my husband to wake up. he tells everyone includingme that he dont love me anymore and that is why we cant work things out. and that our issues are not fixable. i never thought we had issues til it was to late. he never talked to me about any of it. and i was happy just hormonal. and well this situation with talking to his "friend" really stressed me out alot. did your husband ever tell you his reasoning for leaving while you were apart and try to get a divorce really fast? i think hes rushing divorce so he can sleep with this girl. i dont think she is gonna give him time of day like that til he is divorced (after what i called her an dmade it cleaar that i wanted him to come home).


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## ceci (Jun 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> You can always call his parents and siblings and tell them he's having an affair, and ask for their help. And find out this girl's contact info and call her husband (if one) and parents and do the same.
> 
> You'll never get your marriage back while he's busy investing in another woman. You have to stop the affair first, and exposing it to people he cares about is the best way to do that.


i just stumbled upon this site and this unfortunate comment... so if your husband leaves you you suddenly have to become a psycho detective and try to end the affair? as if it were the other woman´s fault. she does not know you, she owes you nothing. why do we always blame the other woman when it is YOUR HUSBAND who has decided to cheat on you. please don’t go around calling his family or her family for that matter, you´ll just appear crazy and pathetic. talk to him, if you want him back, and tell him how you feel. if he doesn’t want you back then WALK AWAY. walk away with your dignity. you are surely an amazing woman and even though it hurts now you need to make the best decisions for YOURSELF and your unborn child. be strong! best of luck to you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, this is a really old thread, but just so you'll know what I'm talking about, visit the marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com websites to see the theory involved regarding letting a cheater's important people know about the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and cheaters are operating on a 'high' of PEA chemical in the brain, which is akin to a drug addict; they LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY become all about getting their next 'fix' of the affair partner. They lie, sneak, rewrite history, do everything they can to get to keep seeing their AP. NOTHING you do will make a difference to save your marriage until you remove that AP; therefore, you let your cheating spouse's important people know (after you ask them to stop and they refuse), and ask them to let him/her know that they - his/her family and best friends - will NOT accept the new AP in as a replacement for you, that they think it's wrong, and that they are disappointed. 

Will it hurt the WS? Sure. But humility is the #1 away to get a cheater to decide to give up the affair. Once the AP is gone, he/she can decide if they want to reinvest in the marriage, but WITHOUT a fallback plan.

That said, the 'walk away' part actually IS part of the MB/AC plan, as you have to show the cheater that, while you love them, you won't debase yourself to keep them. It's a pretty powerful combination, if done correctly.


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