# Discussing marital issues with friends of the opposite gender?



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Just wondering, would you discuss your marriage issues and/or sex life with a friend of the opposite sex? is that considered " cheating". I don't know.

I have a handful of close friends in my life and two of them are guys. I'm really close to one of the guys and sometimes I feel I could really use his opinion(he is a very balanced guy) without going into explicit details. But then I feel I might be doing injustice to my marriage. Having said that, I feel even opening up in a public forum is some form of cheating.

What should I do? what are your thoughts on this topic?How is this different from discussing the topic between members of the same sex? I'm curious to know what TAM thinks on this

P.S.:I am 27 year female, husband is 30 and my friend is younger to me.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

a lot of times that leads to big trouble.
its usually not too good of an idea.
my opinion is find someone of the same sex.
or use the people here, who some at least, have been through the same things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, in person, there's more chance of something happening.

Online, you are anonymous and can just get your thoughts out.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

No, you should not get emotional support from a male friend about your marriage problems.

It is even dangerous to talk to female friends--you can turn him into a heartless monster if you dissect his faults too much with others.

Ask yourself if you would want him to discuss your marital problems with a female friend of his.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think it's adultary but it's not smart and it's certainly not relationship-enhancing.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

It's asking for trouble. You make someone who is most likely sexually attracted to you on some level aware that there are problems in your relationship, for one. You create a bond with them that can lead to more problems than it is worth (at the very least higher likelihood of an emotional affair). It can also drive a wedge between you and your SO- every time he sees you with that guy he might assume you are bad-mouthing him again.

IMO the best person to talk about marital issues with is your husband. Then you keep the bonds within the marriage and strengthen the relationship. That might just be me though, not sure what anyone else's take is.

Also, don't discuss marriage problems with family. In my experience, they don't forgive as readily as you do and might hold a grudge over something that is not an issue for you anymore. Creates awkward tensions and damages the relationship between the SO and your parents.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I don't think that it's a good idea to discuss marriage issues with someone of the opposite sex, friend or not. It can open the door to way too many problems, as bonds can form that can lead to and EA or PA. This is exactly what happened when I had my EA. I opened way too many doors with a female friend and that caused the sh!tstorm in my marriage that I'm still dealing with months later. 

Talk to your husband and work with him to figure things out. If you need to, find a marriage counselor to help you deal with your problems together. Trust me, you don't want to deal with the potential problems you might heap on top of whatever is going on now.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> a lot of times that leads to big trouble.
> its usually not too good of an idea.
> my opinion is find someone of the same sex.
> or use the people here, who some at least, have been through the same things.


I agree with second time. If there is any, even the remotest, attraction between you, you present yourself as vulnerable, and the temptation to provide lots of "comfort" may be overwhelming for friend. He may see an open door.

As second time put it "a lot of times it leads to trouble" and in my experience it has!

Edit: I just read kitty kats post, and she said it a lot better than I did :iagree:


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Also I would like to add that after I discussed my problems to an overly sympathetic friend, I felt sad and disloyal. I really had betrayed the trust the marriage was supposed to have.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Inappropriate -- check

Unfaithful -- check

Cheating -- maybe 

You are bonding with them in an intimate way. Essentially putting them at this status is competes with your spouses intimacy. It definitely opens up one relationship to be trumped by another. You are providing inside information that can be used against your husband. This also leads to plausible discussion about sex. Telling a guy about what gets you off and / or how you have not had sex with your husband for a month is inviting a pass at you. It also leads to some interesting email and texts that when the husband checks are going to look very bad to him.

Just imagine if a woman told her male frined she cannot orgasm from penetration. He is a friend he will want to help her out.

This is particularly bad if you are doing something your spouse woud object to.

Pretty much it is a very bad idea. If you really feel this comfortable you are already in deep.

Having opposite sex friends -- Ok

Having very close opposite sex friends -- Asking for major problems sooner or later. After all, you are just friends.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I personally do not see anything wrong with it and I do not consider it cheating. Seeking advice from friends to help your marriage out seems like a good idea because sometimes it is good to get another person's perspective. I have a very close female friend who went through a lot with her husband and I felt like being there for her meant a lot and helped. Fast forward 2 years and she and her husband are doing great and she now is pregnant with their second child.

In my opinion it simply comes down to the type of person you are. For some people perhaps having friends of the opposite sex will lead to affairs, but for others this will simply never happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> I personally do not see anything wrong with it and I do not consider it cheating. Seeking advice from friends to help your marriage out seems like a good idea because sometimes it is good to get another person's perspective. I have a very close female friend who went through a lot with her husband and I felt like being there for her meant a lot and helped. Fast forward 2 years and she and her husband are doing great and she now is pregnant with their second child.
> 
> In my opinion it simply comes down to the type of person you are. For some people perhaps having friends of the opposite sex will lead to affairs, but for others this will simply never happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that oversimplifies it. Some people who would never cheat have small boundaries crossed and over time they are having an emotional affair without having meant to develop feelings for the other person. I'm not trying to justify cheating, I'm just also saying that it isn't something that you should assume could never happen just because someone is a Good Person.

It just isn't a good idea. It's great that it worked out fine in your case, but it was a risk that was taken on both sides. Not worth it IMO.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While there are some marital things that one can discuss innocently (i.e.-"What kind of gift should I get him?" or "Where would be a nice romantic place to take her for dinner?"), discussing issues, while even with the best of intentions, is dangerous at best. You may simply be looking for advice to handle a situation, but the opposite sex discussion recipient may very well start to think "Oh, trouble in paradise, huh?" and will see that as their green light to rescue the "damsel in distress".


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thanks to all of you at TAM for providing inputs to the discussion.

It is interesting to see that most of us say a no-no to discussing marriage issues outside of marriage.

I do not have any major issues with my marriage/spouse but sometimes there are these moments of "frustration" that I just want to let go. As an example, I feel ready for kids now and my husband is not a 100% ready. This is not a problem, in the true sense, at this point but may be a couple of years down the line it could be one. I definitely am against talking things like " hey, we had sex today and bla bla bla" or " we haven't had sex for 2 months " and so on. Its just that I'm wondering if discussing anything at all, related to marriage that is , is a no.Also,I agree that this behavior could lead to an EA.

Jeff,
I would want to agree with you on this one. However, it looks like many of us here at TAM think otherwise. I too feel that friends are for sharing,or are we only supposed to have a good time and move one. OFcourse, I would not never share serious details about sex or marriage.

I'm waitinf to read more opinions


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I may be in the minority with my opinion but I still do not consider it cheating and I see nothing wrong with it. 

At the end of the day, affairs do not just "happen". People make the decision to have them. It has nothing to do with being a good or bad person..it is simply a decision. In my view people need to take responsibility for their actions.

Again I realize I am in the minority but that's the way I think. I agree that for some people having friends of the opposite sex, etc could lead them to choose to have an affair. For others this decision would never be made. Again, it is not about good or bad, it is simply about decision making..and yes, in my opinion it is very simple. You choose either to have an affair or you choose not to have an affair regardless of the situation. It is all about personal responsibility and choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Well, I agree with you. I, also, think that friends are for sharing good times and bad times. If I cannot speak my mind with a friend, that is not a friend but just an acquaintance.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

In general, I would say no.

That being said, I have had a lot of enlightening conversations with my male friends when it comes to my marriage problems. 

Things turned around at me, so that perhaps I could actually see from stbx's perspective whether I wanted to or not, I actually gained a little understanding from it. 

I don't know about everyone else, but I do know that I ended up a little more able to see things from hubs side from an impartial party instead of seeing just my own biased and distorted opinion. The end of my marriage was rough, but I found that my male friends were almost MORE help than my female friends for that reason. My female friends mostly do what we do, and make a monster out of hubs, give me pitty or tell me to just move on, etc.

That being said, not everyone can have that. Many people get the guy rescuing the damsel in distress, or seizing the opportunity. It's not always a good idea, its just what worked well for me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have a guy friend that I've known since I was just a tot. We have been through some bad things and some good things together. I dont talk to him alot b/c it bothers hubby but at a time like this(H having an EA, his point of view might be helpful).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Getting advice from anyone --whether paid or free-- is always tricky. You may never be sure whether the advice is good until later on, possibly too later on. I have also noticed in the past that one's advice, opinion may not be in your best advantage. People have axes to grind personal and on principle. And that's even with same sex friendships.

Specifically, my bf's EA presented herself first as a friend. Then as a confidant. She knew how many times we had had sex, an issue about a condom in his apartment and so on. And she used that information as reasons why he should dump me and date her again. 

Even if the other person isn't interested in having an affair with you, the other problem that arises is the smirky sense of knowing someone's business and personally so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As for me... there is absolutely nothing I have taken to another, male or female ....that has not been thoroughly discussed with my own husband ...about us. 

My thoughts are... if you are NOT talking to your spouse about how you are feeling... you need to stop right there... and make this your highest priority... If there are disagreements, this is very frustrating....then a forum such as TAM can be a WORLD OF INSIGHT to get new creative ideas, to hear from others who have walked in such shoes. To get specific book suggestions , so very much! 

But going ahead & confiding in an opposite sex friend (that one is physically attracted too....danger ...danger....danger)... without your spouse knowing (this is secretive- that has POWER behind it)...this should cause some uneasiness to rise in your conscience, some guilt, some shame ...and if a little excitement starts to flare in such interactions....you have entered a slippery slope. 

WE have a male friend, close with both of us, we laugh all 3 of us over some of our arguments/ issues (not bedroom antics).... we are just very OPEN souls...it is our way.... . I wouldn't want this guy friend if I was on a deserted island... he knows it too! 

My husband has no concerns how I talk to him, what I say. He has called me on the phone to discuss his own issues, he knows I am a good listener and offer valuable insight on many fronts..... there is always a respect for our marraige. He has been in our life for over 20 yrs now.... something is working right. 

I have talked to a variety of men & women behind the scenes here, nothing is hidden from my husband, I tell him about them all...their stories... He has no concerns . I have helped a handful of men see things in a different perspective .....in regards to their wives or offered some creative ways to spice it up even. I find it all enjoyable - dissecting others relationship problems, I have a library in every room of my house filled with such books......I never did go to college but I would have highly enjoyed something dealing with marital /communication issues. I am a Psychology freak ! 

I do hope everyone here "believes" I have a solid marraige. 

My husband is now posting a little on here, he would vouch for my every word.

When I 1st came here, I was irritated with him... but our talking never stopped for a moment... . I personally read him my every word about him, my early threads.....also every reply I received...in order to help me get my head on straight or help him dealing with me. 

I think couples both coming here to post is simply AMAZING. It is so cool to hear both sides... and interact with these couples. If you can get your spouse on board....I would seriously suggest that to many .


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Talking about your marriage to people who have no agenda or personal stake in it is not cheating and you're not betraying the sanctity of your marriage by getting advice. Talking about your marriage to another man, no matter how safe you think he is, borders on cheating and an very easily become cheating. You're involving someone else in your marriage who doesn't have a right to be in it and when you rely on him and his opinion, you're training yourself NOT to go to your husband first or directly to sort out your issues. Everytime there's an issue, it's you and friend vs hubby and so you and your husband are no longer allies or on the same team because you have a secret team with your "friend".

Talking to an anonymous forum about marriage problems -- not cheating + helping improve your marriage.
Talking to a dude that maybe secretly wants to get in your pants about marriage problems -- potentially cheating + damaging your marriage.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My bf told me at some point, guess what, my EA has a boyfriend. Now we can all be friends. It was HER idea to tell me, he told me. 

Now that I have read the text messages between them, I suppose this was her last ditch effort to try to stay around him......try to give off the impression that she was "safe."


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I believe maritial discussion outside of the two people involved is damaging to the relationship no matter male or female. But more so damaging with the opposite sex.

All discussions should be with the spouse and a counselor if needed.

Those without a stake in it will always support the one-sided viewpoint of their friend, no matter if right or wrong.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Personally - I am very picky about who I share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, and that includes marriage issues. 

I think it is important to speak highly of your relationship whenever you have the chance. Not lying...simply choosing to share the good over the bad. When we are going through a rough patch I will most times just choose to say nothing rather than discuss it with others IRL and let them hear what is going on.

The people that I do share personal problems with - have proven to me that they are trustworthy, their intentions are good, and provide a well balanced opinion that I value (don't always take my side, never throw my husband under the bus or add fuel to my anger, often point out things where I was at fault or things I can do to resolve the situation peacefully.) These people value marriage and the commitment. 

Even with my closest friends, some topics are off limits. Our sexual relationship is one of those things. Also anything that would truly embarrass or upset my husband if I shared it.

Use your discretion, be respectful of your husband because he comes first. If you have to ask if its inappropriate that means somewhere in your mind you know it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

I don't want to insinuate that there's automatically a problem when this happens, but in my wife's case her good male friend saw an opportunity to become something else when she started to share problems. Some of them weren't even marital problems. I think some young guys, maybe most, would eventually be tempted to try and take things in a different direction when a woman begins to connect with them via shared issues.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> Just wondering, would you discuss your marriage issues and/or sex life with a friend of the opposite sex? is that considered " cheating". I don't know.
> 
> I have a handful of close friends in my life and two of them are guys. I'm really close to one of the guys and sometimes I feel I could really use his opinion(he is a very balanced guy) without going into explicit details. But then I feel I might be doing injustice to my marriage. Having said that, I feel even opening up in a public forum is some form of cheating.
> 
> ...


Would you be telling your husband about it? Or keeping it a secret? If secret, it's a slippery slope to betrayal.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Would you be telling your husband about it? Or keeping it a secret? If secret, it's a slippery slope to betrayal.


I definitely tell my Husband what I'm feeling. Some times he addresses the issue and sometimes we just cannot reach a conclusion.
The problem with me is I talk a lot. So some things automatically come out when I'm with a close friend.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thanks for all your replies here. Really interesting to read them.
I think I'm going to take the advice from here and believe you guys, as many of you seem to have "real" experience with the consequences. I'm a little talkative person and when I'm with a close friend, I just go on and on. I haven't shared sexual stuff with any friend but we have spoken about general things like " hey , we may plan for a baby this year" and so on.

Keep the replies coming ;-)


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> Just wondering, would you discuss your marriage issues and/or sex life with a friend of the opposite sex? is that considered " cheating". I don't know.
> 
> I have a handful of close friends in my life and two of them are guys. I'm really close to one of the guys and sometimes I feel I could really use his opinion(he is a very balanced guy) without going into explicit details. But then I feel I might be doing injustice to my marriage. Having said that, I feel even opening up in a public forum is some form of cheating.
> 
> ...


Not a good idea to confide ANYTHING to a friend of the opposite sex about your marriage. My wife tends to enjoy talking to men more, but she won't confide personal marriage details to them. I don't to women either. We don't open the door, in fact we don't even go near the door. 

You can ask questions here and get opinions from men and women if that's what you're looking for. But don't look for a way to grow closer to this male friend no matter what his age is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> Thanks for all your replies here. Really interesting to read them.
> I think I'm going to take the advice from here and believe you guys, as many of you seem to have "real" experience with the consequences. I'm a little talkative person and when I'm with a close friend, I just go on and on. I haven't shared sexual stuff with any friend but we have spoken about general things like " hey , we may plan for a baby this year" and so on.
> 
> Keep the replies coming ;-)


Please do not take this as attacking you. I see it as tough love. I have read some of your previous posts.
Are you indeed sharing this kind of things with these male friends? I won't repeat them here. You know what I am talking about.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> The problem with me is I talk a lot. So some things automatically come out when I'm with a close friend.


Bad boundaries.

Add to this the fact that you're discussing marriage issues with a man that you talk to a lot and maybe training yourself to rely on your "friend" before your husband and you've got a potential disaster on your hands.

1. Learn about propriety and boundaries.
2. Learn to put your marriage before your friendships.
3. Learn from people whose opinions may not also be yours, too, or you're just looking to justify your POV, not expand it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

luvmydarling,
Go back and read what you wrote here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/43642-where-did-my-wife-go-mercedes-syndrome-5.html#post677377

This is what worries me about you confiding in a male friend. You are setting yourself up for an emotional affair. If you believe your marriage is in trouble, get yourself and your husband into MC. Tell your husband you want a divorce so you can have the kind of partner you want. Give him a chance to know what he's up against. But please don't kid yourself into thinking that your "guy friends" are just friends. They will take advantage of your situation. TAM can give you ample proof of that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Please do not take this as attacking you. I see it as tough love. I have read some of your previous posts.
> Are you indeed sharing this kind of things with these male friends? I won't repeat them here. You know what I am talking about.


I am going to addrees your PM right here.

I think a lot of advice one sees on TAM is indeed tough love. In other words the primary purpose is not about winning a debate or beating anyone up. Sure that can occur. BUT more often it is a sincere desire to help the OP. 

Again looking at your other posts you paint a picture where you mention some sexual issues, you feel you have fallen out of love with your husband and that you are seeking an initimacy with close male friends. The intimacy I speak of is the bonding with them. Sharing marital infomation like not being able to orgasm with your husband during intercourse with a close male friend or telling them you are no longer in love with your husband is asking for intimacy from the man. A man will not invest a large amount of time in a woman unless he believes there is a chance for something more. This is instinctive. If he is a male who uses game to bed available females ( See Roissy ) then you are an easy target for his advances.

You say you just like feeling good. Feeling good is great. Realize however, that the brain chemicals Oxytocin and Dopamine feel REAL GOOD. So if your boundaries are controlled by your feeling real good you are at great risk of being unfaithful and cheating for sure.

They generally say, women connect with a man before having sex. That men have sex to connect with a woman. So if a woman is being intimate with us, we have intimacy with them by taking things to the physical level.

If you have fallen out of love with your husband you have no dopamine with him. If you are sharing intimacy with another man and not your husband you are enabkling the brain chemicals for the OM.
So with this infomation, I am going to say that IF this is true, you are probabky cheating but for sure are unfaithful and are in great danger of cheating at anytime.

You did not say you were sharing these with the OM. It is inferred. Do you hangout with these men? If so those are probably dates. Hipefully you are not doing this and certainly not visiting your male friends at their places without your husband.

Does your huband know you have this bond with these guys? You don't just decide that in six months I will fall back in love with my spouse and in the meantime bond with someone else. That makes the spouse the backup plan.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> You did not say you were sharing these with the OM. It is inferred. Do you hangout with these men? If so those are probably dates. Hipefully you are not doing this and certainly not visiting your male friends at their places without your husband.
> 
> Does your huband know you have this bond with these guys? You don't just decide that in six months I will fall back in love with my spouse and in the meantime bond with someone else. That makes the spouse the backup plan.



No, I do not hangout with any men at all. No texting/calling either except on a need-bases which is like a 5 minute call. I don't even know the address of my male friends, or for that matter female friends. Husband knows that I have male friends but nothing much.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

sandc said:


> But please don't kid yourself into thinking that your "guy friends" are just friends. They will take advantage of your situation. TAM can give you ample proof of that.


Well, I just asked this question for opinions. I've never really confided in friends, male or female, to the extent to of talking about my marriage.
I agree that many people(so called friends) may end up taking advantage of our situation, but I'm not sure if we can generalize that.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> You say you just like feeling good. Feeling good is great. Realize however, that the brain chemicals Oxytocin and Dopamine feel REAL GOOD. So if your boundaries are controlled by your feeling real good you are at great risk of being unfaithful and cheating for sure.


Entropy, are you saying that we should not feel good about ourselves? what's wrong in that? I'm not sure if I understood you correct.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> Entropy, are you saying that we should not feel good about ourselves? what's wrong in that? I'm not sure if I understood you correct.


It is possible to get "too much of a good thing"

When an acquaintance of the opposite sex starts to become someone you rely on for emotional support?

Too much of a good thing - especially when that involves confiding issues you have with your spouse.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It is possible to get "too much of a good thing"
> 
> When an acquaintance of the opposite sex starts to become someone you rely on for emotional support?
> 
> Too much of a good thing - especially when that involves confiding issues you have with your spouse.


I see the point now. I never said that I do not confide in my husband. Many of us here have assumed it


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I think it is something to approach with extreme caution. 

That being said I have done and continue to do it.But my marriage is very far from ideal. I also have had a female friend for years that has spoken to me in detail about her marriage.



But in general it seems that most spouses and most male/female friendship won't be able to distinguish between venting, support and bonding.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lionelhutz said:


> I think it is something to approach with extreme caution.
> 
> That being said I have done and continue to do it.But my marriage is very far from ideal. I also have had a female friend for years that has spoken to me in detail about her marriage.
> 
> ...


Life friends can sometimes be grandfathered in.

HOWEVER, tread in this area with caution.

When times became rocky between my wife and I, those "friends" were right there moving towards "benefits"

Like clockwork.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> Entropy, are you saying that we should not feel good about ourselves? what's wrong in that? I'm not sure if I understood you correct.


You are playing now. I get a great endorphine rush by training. I get a great satisfaction when I am teaching. I get a great satisfaction when the project I am working on comes to fruitian. I get a real sense of well being when I am intimate with my wife. All kinds of intimacy. I also know that we can get a dopamine by cacain. So choose wisely.

You do know what I mean.

Apocalypse Now Moral -- never get out of the boat

If you are considering getting out of the boat ( your center where your love for your husband resides ), I entreat you to not seek out others but rather work on the marriage with your husband. That is my message.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I give it a maybe. Obviously the danger is you say, Bob doesn't pay much attention to me, he is working so hard, and we didn't even get to go out Saturday night. I got this new dress and he didn't even notice. 

Janie, I am so sorry. You are so beautiful, and it's sad he doesn't recognize this. Why don't we meet for a drink and discuss this. Let me rub your neck you seem so tense. Tell you old friend Ted all about what's happening. 

If you think there is no possibility of that happening on either side, and you just want a male opinion, I'd say okay, but be very attuned to potential danger signals.


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