# Since when did people become so weak that they can't cope with life?



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The more I read on TAM - especially in CWI, here and the sex forum - it seems like a lot people are battling depression or some variation of it. All we ever see are threads about:


My spouse is depressed and needs validation from outsiders
My spouse was depressed and needed to cheat in order to feel better about himself/herself
My spouse or I need pills because life is getting us down
I need to radically change who I am with because I woke up one day and do not like my life and who I became...
And other threads of a similar tone

It seems like a whole slew of marriages on here that appear on the surface to be strong are actually quite weak due to some emotional, mental or psychological trauma. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trivializing people who were clinically diagnosed with any mental illness or psychological traumas; however, aren't there a number of you out there who are starting to wonder if the "mental issues" angle is a little overplayed and maybe little more than people being unable to cope with normal life? I'd like to know when did we cross the threshold to where we are more comfortable talking to therapists and trusting our well being to pills than putting our faith in our spouse to help us out? I thought one of the reasons people get married is to have a partner to pick you up when you fall - just like you are supposed to do for your partner? I thought open and honest communication was needed for talking issues out early on instead of letting them fester?

IDK...I think somewhere many of us decided to throw our common sense out the window and embrace the concept of being a helpless creature that needs experts and "experts" to help us with the smallest of problems anymore. I just don't get it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Depression is on the rise in every group: elderly, middle aged, 30's, 20's, teens, children....and all over the world.

I don't see how there can be a simple explanation for this like "many of us decided to throw our common sense out the window".

Personally I think what we are seeing is the beginning of a global change...but I'm not gonna go into woo-woo stuff about it.

Whatever the reasons...I know that for myself, depression is easily managed by staying MADLY IN LOVE with my husband. We take steps to keep our love alive, and those steps work. It is known that the feeling of romantic love causes euphoria. More euphoria for me, please! Thank you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

A lot of people look for the "easy" cure or answer. Look at the diet industry! People would rather find a pill to lose weight than do the hard work of changing their diets and exercising.

It's also that we have more medications for things like depression than we did in the past, so more people are taking them. The arrival of Prozac changed everything. I was in my mid-20's when that happened, and I remember my boss at the time telling me her mom had gone on Prozac and was so much happier. When I asked what had been wrong with her, she said nothing but old age and feeling crabby about it.

I see it as similar to people who take Viagra even though they don't have ED, just to get a harder erection or to "last" forever, even though their partners haven't expressed any dissatisfaction. 

Obviously, there are some poeple who truly benefit from their medications and are truly ill. But, we are a pill culture these days.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

"Behavior from a bottle. It's quick, it's easy, it's fun!"


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

There are millions of men and women who suffer from depression. It is way more common they people think it is. 

You can't really understand depression, unless you live with it each and every day. Sure you can read about it, but it isn't the same. 

I sometimes can't cope with life.. And yes I have thought about ending it, but i refuse to.. I have way to much to live for and killing myself would be selfish and if i ever get to the point where i really can't talk my self out of it is the day i get help for it. The ones who are weak decide to take their own life because they just can't deal with it anymore. The ones who deal with it and live are not the weak ones. I choose to live!

I am also unmedicated and have been for many years.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Hear, hear Ladybird! 
I too have suffered from depression and it's true, people DO NOT understand it! I was actually diagnosed as PTSD and Bi-polar and was put on medication. After a few years, I decided to quit the meds on my own. I learned how to manage most of it on my own and have been non-medicated for roughly 5 years. I still hit blue streaks and though the thought to take my own life has occasionally flitted through my mind, I would never act on it. I would never do that to my kids and family! It's extremely difficult when I can hardly get off the couch or function normally due to the depression and my H just doesn't understand it and thinks I'm just being lazy. 

OP, you said "mental issues" angle is a little overplayed and maybe little more than people being unable to cope with normal life?"

I am curious as to what you consider "normal life"? and what makes your view any more right than another persons. Every single person's life is different and therefore what is and isn't normal for them is also going to differ from everyone else. 

Isn't there an internet meme that says "I'm not weird. Everyone else is just too normal"?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If people knew how to effectively have open and honest communication the world would be a better place but thing is I'm with FW I think we are just seeing the beginning of mental illness. We are losing our ability to cope with life. My evidence is how often people self medicate with food, spending, booze and meds.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

It isn't that people didn't use to have problems, it's that they didn't talk about them. People might be going to doctors and therapists more but in the "good old days" when you could get cocaine in your cough syrup, and laundnum at the pharmacy you had all the coping mechanisms you needed. People kept their sorrows to themselves, and then drown them with whatever was available. 

Booze has been drowning the sorrows of man since before the written word. But these days - it isn't socially acceptable to be the drunk who cries in his beer and to maintain a respectable job. 

And I'm guessing a lot of people kept minor problems to themselves, back when mental health care was shock therapy and lobotomies. I mean - I'd drink a stiff one and button up too knowing that the alternative was having my brain smashed. 



> I thought open and honest communication was needed for talking issues out early on instead of letting them fester?


If you mean instead of needing marriage counseling, yes, open communication is important and you shouldn't let things fester. 

But your spouse may or may not be equipped to answer questions like, "Why didn't Dad love me?"


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think everyone has touched on parts of why we are seeing more depression. Definitely our society is more open to talking about it than they were in the "good old days" as starfish wrote. 

Something I see happening though is a loss of face to face communication. I mean, here I am typing out this response for countless number of people to read, none of who I have ever met in my life. There is something about the text culture that removes personal responsibility. For example, if you go to any youtube video, you will find hundreds of trolls who write God awful comments that sometimes have nothing to do with the video. If we showed that same video in a public theatre, not many people would have the nerve to say their comments out loud.

This loss of face to face communication is causing us to not learn how to adequately talk to our spouses. I know that I grew up without internet until I was around 12 years old. Before internet, I used to sit and talk with my parents and brother. After internet, I would have much rather sat and my room and chatted with people from all over the world, and this is what teenagers and young adults are doing in large part.

I think the answer to this is actually quite complicated and there is no easy answer or solution for it. I am just thankful that the mental health industry has progressed to the point where people can actually get help for their problems. Hopefully, that continues to occur.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think the spirit of this site is to talk about problems.

People who are happy & "handling their business" don't really come here IMHO.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think that we as a society have been sold the message since birth that we "deserve" a lot of things. We are bombarded with marketing telling us that if we had the new car, the vacation, the house, we'd be happy.

We are told by MTV, beer commercials, club promoters, music celebs, that if we grab the drink and go to the club or party that we will be smiling and happy and full of enthusiasm.

We see people on TV being surrounded by others who have oodles of free time and energy to give the stars of the show their full attention, all the time. Furthermore, we get sold the idea that each of us is the star of our own life.

And what we find is that life just isn't like that. And to many of us, that comes as a terrible slap in the face. Each time we try one of those false ideas for happiness we've been sold on, and it fails, we are slowly beaten down.

The #1 antidote to sadness is hope & belief that tomorrow and the day after that will be better. When you loose that belief at your core, depression is inevitable.

I think parts of the cause of the epidemic of depression are two things:

1. A good pharma industry with lots of meds they need to sell

2. A loss of personal accountability for our own life and happiness in it. What I mean by that is we are constantly sold the ideas that someone else is responsibly for giving us happiness, and when things go bad, they are someone else's fault. Sometimes things are other people's fault, but we loose sight that we also chose to put ourselves in the position to be affected by their actions.

I'll give you a simple example, and its not a perfect example and it won't bare up to rigorous analysis, but the gist is there-

If I go to a restaurant and I order a dish.
If eat the dish and it upsets my stomach.
What is the right way to see this?

1. The restaurant is at fault and I should tell everyone their food made me sick, and they should comp me free food.

2. I'm at fault because I chose a bad restaurant

3. I just learned that dish X doesn't agree with me and I shouldn't order it again.


Personally I go with 3 and if it happens more there 2.

This is not to say that there aren't things that are way outside our control.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

"More comfortable talking to therapist.....than putting faith in our spouse to help us out?"

Well, for a lot of us on TAM, we cannot put our faith in our spouse because they have lied to us, cheated on us, betrayed us and deceived us."

If we were able to communicate with our spouse, this TAM Website would be a thing of the past !!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The message we get is it's NOT okay to have a negative mood ever. We're brainwashed into thinking perpetual happiness is the goal and that's not realistic.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Self sufficiency went out of style a long time ago for many people. 

If I had a nickel for every time my educated idiot sister said "the experts say..." 

It's pathetic. I don't give a **** about experts since they all have an agenda now as honesty went out of style as well


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ever since the "world" started telling people that being sad is bad and wrong. Why not take a pill to be happy?

Going through a rough time? Don't feel your sadness! Wisk it away with the blue pill.

Yea, I'm cynical.

I'm sure they have a pill for that too 

I also think many, if not most, people aren't in tune with themselves. Hell, many women I know don't even know when they ovulate or what that means, exactly. No one wants to sit in the quiet with their own thoughts. No one wants to be alone.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Shaggy hit on most of my opinion. We live in a society where a person who can't do it all, all of the time, and be the best at it...is an undesirable person. This is the mental expectation we compare ourselves and others to most of the time. 

Worse, we have also decided that it's unacceptable to allow children to feel shame, pain, or failure. We must praise them for substandard everything. 

Much of what we call mental illness is a society-induced ailment. 

Did you know that the concept of "madness" did not exist before about the 14th or 15th century? I may butcher this as I try to explain it (this is described early on in Michael Foucault's book Madness and Civilization). People who were deemed undesirable, by way of illnesses like tuberculosis, were sent out on ships with the idea they would never return. Before long, other undesirables got added to the ship's rosters - the "madmen" who were no longer thought to be channeling angels and revered as holy. These ships became known as ships of fools.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Woah - there's a pill to fix cynicism?

Someone should have recommended that to me that a lot time ago.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Some should have to me that a lot time ago.


Say what?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I edited it. Apparently, my phone fails.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Someone should have recommended that to me that a lot time ago.





Starstarfish said:


> I edited it. Apparently, my phone fails.


And fails again. LOL I get it. It's just funny to witness angst and failure from misbehaving technology :lol:

It is sort of fitting for this thread since the progress of the excuse in place of personal responsibility is essentially misbehaving pseudo-technology as well


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also to add - when society was more religious, they may have been a different built in "mental net" - IE rather than go to therapists people talked to clergy, and when they needed to "internally focus" and find answers to questions that people today might ask a therapist, they turned to religion and their sacred texts for the answers. Rather than dealing with grief with medication, you turned to prayer. 

I think people have always sought "outside" assistance with problems, what's changed has been the accepted forms of assistance.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

As an infant is taught falling down and going boom is either a big deal or no problem by the reaction of the caretaker parent, have we been conditioned by media to believe there is always an excuse that must be addressed by experts thereby removing personal responsibility? 

Are we living in the excuse society for our failures? 

What happened to discussing our issues with family and friends? I can answer. Too often we have learned they can't be confided in because gossip is too entertaining for everyone with a weak set of values which seems to be at least a third to half of the population.

Are too many uncomfortable thinking for themselves? I think so. Am I wrong? Are they so dumb they are right?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Also to add - when society was more religious, they may have been a different built in "mental net" - IE rather than go to therapists people talked to clergy, and when they needed to "internally focus" and find answers to questions that people today might ask a therapist, they turned to religion and their sacred texts for the answers. Rather than dealing with grief with medication, you turned to prayer.
> 
> I think people have always sought "outside" assistance with problems, what's changed has been the accepted forms of assistance.


This plays into the societal aspect, too. We used to KNOW what was expected of us. We either did the right things and were accepted, or we were clearly on the wrong side with our behaviors and we KNEW it. 

Today, anything goes, except when it doesn't. Who sets our guidelines for behaviors? There are MANY churches, laws, families, and individuals' belief systems, so ANY behavior can be justified, rationalized, etc. When we do something that's ok within one context (like going to war for our country) it may violate another set of beliefs (thou shalt not kill). We no longer have a non-violable set of guidelines that we can understand clearly, and we're left feeling confused, lost, and without purpose.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> We used to KNOW what was expected of us. We either did the right things and were accepted, or we were clearly on the wrong side with our behaviors and we KNEW it. Today, anything goes, ANY behavior can be justified, rationalized, etc.


:iagree:

Too many times we have seen others reject all that was sacred and then they make millions selling a book or become a millionaire celebrity. It tore at the fabric of our former boundaries.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> It seems like a whole slew of marriages on here that appear on the surface to be strong are actually quite weak due to some emotional, mental or psychological trauma.


Some of those marriages and some of those problems can be greatly improved by following some old fashion ways of living. For example, being honest, following the moral and self improvement standards that have proven to work in the past, and using your free will to control your thoughts. A lot of what happens either good or bad depends on what you allow to come into your thoughts and what ACTIONS you decide to take!


*Some of your destiny is in your hands so find out what has proven to work for years then “JUST DO IT!*

It is not that hard to find out what works; it is just that sometimes people do not want to do what works. Those that find out what works and then follows that path seem to have a better marriage and less emotional, mental, and psychological problems. IMO



Blunt


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Some of those marriages and some of those problems can be greatly improved by following some old fashion ways of living. For example, being honest, following the moral and self improvement standards that have proven to work in the past, and using your free will to control your thoughts. A lot of what happens either good or bad depends on what you allow to come into your thoughts and what ACTIONS you decide to take!
> 
> 
> *Some of your destiny is in your hands so find out what has proven to work for years then “JUST DO IT!*
> ...


Even though society changed to the point that the idea of seeking instant gratification is encouraged, most people still learn how to act appropriately and have healthy boundaries. At least that's what I believe. I don't think people are as resourceful as they used to be, so it's more difficult for many to cope with life because people 40 and under were coddled more by their parents than previous generations. I'm part of GenX, but I was not coddled when I was raised. I think a fair amount of people were, and it only looks worse for the younger generations - especially kids today.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I don't know about "vanilla" depression. I hope bipolar disorder and I NEED meds or I can't function. Even with meds I have a hard time with simple tasks, and I need a lot of support. I can't even hold a job with meds, therapy, self help books, exercise, and a healthy diet.

I do wonder how many people with situational depression are medicated through things that could be dealt with with therapy that teaches coping skills, such as CBT. 

I just wanted to make everyone aware that some people with MI need meds or they are completely non-functional and often suicidal.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quote of	Plan 9 from OS*
> - it seems like a lot people are battling depression or some variation of it. All we ever see are threads about:
> 
> •	My spouse is depressed and needs validation from outsiders
> ...


Yes I also read a lot of threads about people saying they need to be validated and feel better about themselves and weak marriages due to emotional, mental or psychological trauma.


It has been said that back in the e1950s they had a Victorian attitude and other old fashion values that seem hokey and unenlightened. If you have ever watched Happy Days or most of the TV and movies of the 1950s you will see a great difference in the values as compared to today.

In the 1950s avoidance from pre-marital sex, and illegal drugs were very strong society expectations In addition divorce was frowned upon and authority was accepted more than today. In the late 1960s these values were challenged and they continued to be challenged in the 1970s, 1980s, and thereafter/. These challenges resulted in a lot of the 1950s values be diluted or eliminated in the 1990s and 2000s.

Now let us see what some of the facts are:


Crime rate per 100,000 
*1960’s	* *2011*

Rape	9.6 26.8
Robbery	60.1 113.7
Assault	86.1 241.1

*Increases from 1960-2011*
Rape 250% +
Robbery 90%
Assualt 250%+

United States Crime Rates 1960 - 2011





Divorce rates

*1959-1963* *1980*

22% 52%
Historical Divorce Rate Statistics


*Increases from 1959-1963 to 1980*
Divorce rates 250%+


Out-Of-WEDLOCK-Births

*1965* *1990*

Blacks 24.0% 64.0%
White 3.0% 18.0%
250% increase for blacks and 500% increase for whites
An Analysis of Out-Of-Wedlock Births in the United States | Brookings Institution


Now I am not saying that the people of the 1950s are better than the people of today. However, I am saying that for some reasons the values have changed and the statistics above have some correlation to the changed values from the 1950s to the 1980s-1990s- and 2000s.

Now the OP has stated that coddling of the gen X is one reason. 
What do you think are the other reasons?
Although I believe that the society values can have an impact on a person, I also believe that a person can with their knowledge and individual choices can avoid any societal pressures.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

In some ways I think the willingness of individuals and society to talk about problems is a great thing.

Mental health issues used to be seen as something to be ashamed / afraid of. Those with serious issues were locked away in asylums for years. Families would disown or hide members you were struggling to cope.

Now people with even serious mental illnesses are helped to remain part of the wider community and with the help of medication and the “talking therapies” are able to lead full lives.

Some examples that have touched me personally:

In generations past my BIL would have been locked up due to his schizophrenia but now with medication and understanding he has a partner, a child, a home, a well paid job.

I know several military vets who have truly struggled with PTSD but they can now get the help and support that they need and deserve. In the past vets that had issues were all too often shunned by families, the military and civilian authorities and were at best left to cope alone (if you go back to the first world war those suffering from “shell shock” were even shot for cowardice when they refused to go back to the front line).

Yes some people do make “a mountain out of a mole hill” and seem to have a list of illnesses as long as both arms and too many doctors are happy to dispense bottles full of expensive pills to reinforce patience sense of dependence when all they truly need (in some cases) is to be shown that they are of value to the community and given a sense of self worth / purpose.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

While therapy and medication do have their place, I think our society as a whole depend on them way too heavily for the quick, easy fix. My son has ADHD and was medicated when younger. At about the age of 10, he decided he wanted to come off the meds and learn how to cope with life on his own. I won't say that it has been easy, but it is a work in progress and I fully believe that by the time he's an adult, he will be perfectly adept at recognized and correcting any issues that arise. He knows he is exceptionally forgetful of everyday tasks such as remembering certain papers he needs for school, brushing his teeth, his chores, etc. So he makes a list of what he needs to do on a day by day basis and posts it somewhere he will be certain to see it. 
I also think routine goes a long way with children with MIs. Families seem to be so busy these days, rushing from one thing to the next, that drive thru meals, non consistent bed times, and harried schedules seem to be the norm. It's been proven that children lacking sleep don't perform as well and that those with a good family foundation (sitting down for meals together, discussing the days events, etc.) are able to cope better. In fact, there was an article in Reader's Digest about it recently.
IMO, our society has lost so many good old fashioned values, morals, and structure that we are not so slowly deteriorating to a bunch of pilled zombies that as OP said, can't cope with life.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The more I read on TAM - especially in CWI, here and the sex forum - it seems like a lot people are battling depression or some variation of it. All we ever see are threads about:
> 
> 
> My spouse is depressed and needs validation from outsiders
> ...


Speaking in general and not necessarily about TAM:

I really think psychology emerged as a social-cultural compensation for a growing lack of the institutions which served the purpose that psychology sought to meet. Those institutions being certain specific cultural traditions like a less transient lifestyle, larger families with broader and deeper support networks, church and religion in general, and a general moral shift away from the family as the core social unit to the individual as the core social unit. Also the transformation of gender roles and social norms that accompanied a rapidly industrializing civilization. 

Psychology today is truly only the financial systems way of "functionalizing" the individual components to maintain ad ensure the maximum efficiency of the larger economic machine of which those components are a part. This is why "functional" has come to replace "healthy" just as "healthy" had come to replace "Whole, or "Hail". It is not so important to the Insurance Industry that pays the psychologists that you are "whole" or "healthy" as it is that you are "functional". Functional meaning you are a "functioning" producer and consumer of resources. Capitalism in its self is not "evil" by any means but it does make it very easy to follow the chain of causality to its root origins: just follow the money. No conspiracy here, it is just how things have developed.

That being said, yes most people bury their root problems beneath symptom reducing treatment plans and enter into a cycle of meds and self-loathing for life that causes them to suffer for life but which also allows them to remain functional as people. 

That includes marriage. Things are simpler than they seem. Love smart, not hard.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> IMO, our society has lost so many good old fashioned values, morals, and structure that we are not so slowly deteriorating to a bunch of pilled zombies that as OP said, can't cope with life.



I agree that large sections of most western societies seem to think that they should get whatever they want as soon as they want it but are not always prepared to put in the hard work to make it possible. 

There has been a big increase in what people expect to get from society but at the same time there seem to be fewer of us who are prepared to actively contribute to the pot. The modern fascination with instant gratification is leading IMHO to a generation of people who think "me me me" and who are reluctant to but the "needs" of others before their own "wants".


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I agree that large sections of most western societies seem to think that they should get whatever they want as soon as they want it but are not always prepared to put in the hard work to make it possible.
> 
> There has been a big increase in what people expect to get from society but at the same time there seem to be fewer of us who are prepared to actively contribute to the pot. The modern fascination with instant gratification is leading IMHO to a generation of people who think "me me me" and who are reluctant to but the "needs" of others before their own "wants".


A lot of wisdom in this and the other quotes.

If it adds something, I think the advertising industry has had an effect.

After the Second World War there was concern that we would overproduce and underconsume so there was a big push to increase demand for consumer goods. Advertising seems to work by making people feel dissatisfied with their current lot in life.

If you spend your life feeling dissatisfied, I think that chances are you will become depressed.

I also wonder if the growth in population around the world is increasing pressures, demands on resources and that creates a sense of insecurity as we compete ever more fiercely for the goods and services available.

Sometimes we seem to me to be like rats in a lab being required to run ever faster to stay where we are.


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