# Facebook negatively affecting my wife



## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Let me preface this post by saying our marriage is not perfect. No one's is and I've accepted that I will never be perfect for my wife. Within the last few months she has grown increasingly aggressive, argumentative and does not appear to be attracted to me anymore. 

I personally feel it has a great deal to do with a mommy group she is part of on Facebook. Never before in our relationship has she been so aggressive towards me and I think the group is to blame. Everyday she is surrounded by the most negative people I have ever heard of. She tells about some of what they talk about so she's not keeping all of it from me. 

However, and I know firsthand because I got in to her FB a while ago as I suspected nefarious activity because her phone is attached to her all day, all she does is complain about me. She lets the other women in there heavily influence her irrationality and even validate it.

Before the obvious questions come, yes I have read the sticky on researching and confirming infidelity. Hence why I keep an eye on her FB and the emails I know about. A VAR is my next step but I just need to see if anyone else is going through what I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What truth is there to her complaints about you.. what have you found her saying? It seems this is an outlet for her.. You can't blame everything on this group.. you need to take some responsibility for WHY you and her have come to this place... 

How is your communication...you say she is argumentative.. can you share some of your issues...where you & her are at loggerheads ?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well to sort of add on to what SA posted, Facebook is just a symptom of a larger problem. You already have suspicions and FB just validates them in your mind. I am not saying your suspicions are true or not as I have no idea. You are somewhat lucky to have discovered this now rather than later. You have the opportunity to view her largely unfiltered grievances against you. You get to consider them in your own time as opposed to in the heat of an argument. Are they valid? Do they make sense? Is she delusional? Based on your own answers you get to decide how you will proactively respond. Best of luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to have a talk with your wife in a NON-confrontational manner and explain what's going in and how these people are bad for your marriage. DON'T tell her she can't talk to em. She's got to choose that for herself.
Explain to her that you know she's not happy with you and that you want to listen and correct what she has a problem with. Really work on it, and don't point it out to her when you do.
Take the time to LISTEN to her and not talk much yourself. sHOW her you care about her and love her.
You have to convince her that you mean to make some permanent changes. Help with the household chores if you don't, take her on dates if you don't, give her thoughtful small gifts if you don't (don't overdo things).. Try to start making things she wants, a part if your life. Don't try to be a different person, just be the best person you can be.
If she's still aggressive and unhappy and a total b#*^+, remember, you CAN do without her. And there was likely nothing you could do to fix it. Once a woman's kea her mind up she doesn't love her husband, it rarely gets better.
Good luck

Btw, I sucked at all the suggestions I'm giving you and am divorced. Maybe others can learn from my mistakes. I'm guilty of a few.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I really think that FB destroys relationships personally when it's not being used "wisely." It is very easy to use it as a self-gratification and self-validation tool.

Your wife should not be saying anything about you that she would not say to your face or with you sitting right there beside her. It shows an amazing lack of respect and character assassinates you to her "friends" online so that she can garner "sympathy."

My only recommendation is to altogether stop the use of FB. I quit on my own several years back and I absolutely do not miss it. Some people legitimately use it to keep in touch with family, classmates, etc, but most people use it obsessively to become the biggest G.I.Fs I've ever had the (dis)pleasure of knowing.

(And if you want that link to work, you're going to have to enter the censored, obvious 4-letter word that starts with F by hand).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill online if you want the activity of who she's in contact with.

Quick and easy


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Satya said:


> I really think that FB destroys relationships personally when it's not being used "wisely." It is very easy to use it as a self-gratification and self-validation tool.
> 
> Your wife should not be saying anything about you that she would not say to your face or with you sitting right there beside her. It shows an amazing lack of respect and character assassinates you to her "friends" online so that she can garner "sympathy."
> 
> ...


I tried clicking on that.. so I looked it up.. thought I'd post it.. never heard of this expression before...



> *The Greater Internet ****wad Theory* (GIFT) is a postulate which asserts that normal, well-adjusted people may display psychopathic or antisocial behaviors when given both anonymity and a captive audience on the Internet.
> 
> *Origin*: On March 19th, 2004, the webcomic site Penny Arcade published a comic titled “Green Blackboards (And Other Anomalies),” which featured a drawing of a green blackboard with the equation “Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total ****wad” in reference to behavior seen in the 2004 first-person shooter Unreal Tournament.
> 
> ...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> Let me preface this post by saying our marriage is not perfect. No one's is and I've accepted that I will never be perfect for my wife. Within the last few months she has grown increasingly aggressive, argumentative and does not appear to be attracted to me anymore.
> 
> I personally feel it has a great deal to do with a mommy group she is part of on Facebook. Never before in our relationship has she been so aggressive towards me and I think the group is to blame. Everyday she is surrounded by the most negative people I have ever heard of. She tells about some of what they talk about so she's not keeping all of it from me.
> 
> ...


Online mommy groups are most heavily populated by bored wives who are not sure why they are unsatisfied with their lives and blame their husbands for not being able to fix it. Busier women are typically happier and have less time for Facebook (it works for men and bored venomous trolls in basements).

However, it does seem unlikely that Facebook is not the cause of all the difficulties.

The part I have in bold suggests that she has criticisms of you than you dismiss. So, a standard Q&A....
Are you both working?
Do you both do housework?
Are you both in fairly good shape?
Is sex regular, at least once or twice a week?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me I calmly let her know that if she just want to unload on me and continue complaining then point to the door and tell her to pack up and go find happiness elsewhere and leave it there. Say it in a way she knows your not playing games with her.

Now the balls in her court and she realizes it's time to put up or shut up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Facebook is implicated in some way in many divorces: 'A U.K. divorce site found that even in Dec. 2009, 20 percent of "behavior petitions" (which is British lingo for "reasons to file for divorce") contained the word "Facebook" in them, meaning that the site was in some way to blame for the marriage's dissolution. Just a couple of years later, that percentage jumped to 33 percent.' (The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces | YourTango).


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Facebook is implicated in some way in many divorces. See The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces | YourTango.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. I'm happily divorced now... I think there are some personality types that are more susceptible to the ills of FB than others. If you happen to be married to a personality type that is impacted look out. In my case I used to pull and hide the network cable connecting the router at 11pm so she couldn't be up all night doing whatever one does on FB at 2am.....night after night.... Anyway, I suggest you go to counseling together (if she will go). She has to hear it from an outsider. You're already the bad guy so anything you say will be turned around and used against you. ie more fodder for the mom's group. That said, when the counselor tells her she needs to step back from FB and her negative support network, the counselor will have "turned against her" and she won't want to go back. I wish you luck.... 

Oh, and the "phone attached to her all day" part.....if that's accompanied by guarding the phone so it's never available to you it's almost a sure sign she's got something going on. I think we could easily come up with a list of 5 things that indicated with about 95% certainty your being cheated on and this would be one of them.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You need to have a talk with your wife in a NON-confrontational manner and explain what's going in and how these people are bad for your marriage. DON'T tell her she can't talk to em. She's got to choose that for herself.
> Explain to her that you know she's not happy with you and that you want to listen and correct what she has a problem with. Really work on it, and don't point it out to her when you do.
> Take the time to LISTEN to her and not talk much yourself. sHOW her you care about her and love her.
> You have to convince her that you mean to make some permanent changes. Help with the household chores if you don't, take her on dates if you don't, give her thoughtful small gifts if you don't (don't overdo things).. Try to start making things she wants, a part if your life. Don't try to be a different person, just be the best person you can be.
> ...


This. However I would add that when you talk to her, remind her that you can't help fix the things that are making her unhappy unless she talks to YOU about it. Ask if she will not gossip about you behind your back and to please bring issues to you and not the neighborhood gossips. And tell her the negativity is a problem.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am kinda insulted no girl from my class has even made an attempt at me. Stupid facebook, reminds me how much I sucked in HS.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Really appreciate all the opinions offered so far. I'll try to respond to as many of the requests for more info as I can.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If it was me, and it has been just not with FB but toxic friends, I would pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and take her to the bedroom for a proper spanking.

I'm not in any way passive aggressive though.

Just straight forward aggressive.

Don't try it if you don't have it in you.

She will detect it if you are faking dominance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Online mommy groups are most heavily populated by bored wives who are not sure why they are unsatisfied with their lives and blame their husbands for not being able to fix it. Busier women are typically happier and have less time for Facebook (it works for men and bored venomous trolls in basements).
> 
> However, it does seem unlikely that Facebook is not the cause of all the difficulties.
> 
> ...



We both work full time. 
We try to share or split the housework and I feel it's fair. (she cooks and organizes. I do a good deal of cleaning and other manual labor tasks)
Neither of us are in great shape, but that has never stopped sex from being fulfilling. 
Sex was regular before our daughter was born. Now it's when we're both not tired from work and when she's not on her period (which is very rough for her)


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> If it was me, and it has been just not with FB but toxic friends, I would pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and take her to the bedroom for a proper spanking.
> 
> I'm not in any way passive aggressive though.
> 
> ...


Here's the funny thing: She would actually totally get off on this as she is rather submissive in bed, so long as she is in the mood of course.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill online if you want the activity of who she's in contact with.
> 
> Quick and easy


I have easy access to this and I think I might, thank you.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Shoto1984 said:


> OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. I'm happily divorced now... I think there are some personality types that are more susceptible to the ills of FB than others. If you happen to be married to a personality type that is impacted look out. In my case I used to pull and hide the network cable connecting the router at 11pm so she couldn't be up all night doing whatever one does on FB at 2am.....night after night.... Anyway, I suggest you go to counseling together (if she will go). She has to hear it from an outsider. You're already the bad guy so anything you say will be turned around and used against you. ie more fodder for the mom's group. That said, when the counselor tells her she needs to step back from FB and her negative support network, the counselor will have "turned against her" and she won't want to go back. I wish you luck....
> 
> Oh, and the "phone attached to her all day" part.....if that's accompanied by guarding the phone so it's never available to you it's almost a sure sign she's got something going on. I think we could easily come up with a list of 5 things that indicated with about 95% certainty your being cheated on and this would be one of them.


In all honesty, while her phone is always with her I wouldn't describe it as guarded with extreme prejudice. She leaves it unguarded many times throughout the day. She's very protective of her possessions and always has been. I do find it odd that after our 8 years together and 6 years married she protects her possessions this much but it's just how she is and always has been according to her family.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

snowcrashed said:


> In all honesty, while her phone is always with her I wouldn't describe it as guarded with extreme prejudice. She leaves it unguarded many times throughout the day. She's very protective of her possessions and always has been. I do find it odd that after our 8 years together and 6 years married she protects her possessions this much but it's just how she is and always has been according to her family.


To add to this, if I didn't know the password to her phone from her telling me then that would have been a huge red flag.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I tried clicking on that.. so I looked it up.. thought I'd post it.. never heard of this expression before...


This could very well explain her behavior as well as other women in this group. I tend to be a **** online as well if the need arises.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> We both work full time.
> We try to share or split the housework and I feel it's fair. (she cooks and organizes. I do a good deal of cleaning and other manual labor tasks)
> Neither of us are in great shape, but that has never stopped sex from being fulfilling.
> Sex was regular before our daughter was born. Now it's when we're both not tired from work and when she's not on her period (which is very rough for her)


I would certainly recommend getting in shape. It is almost standard advice. The obvious reason is for your own health and attractiveness. It is also standard advice and it involves taking control of your own life and destiny.

However, it also seems that tiredness is a big problem. If you are both in shape, it might help. 

Could it happen?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

snowcrashed said:


> I have easy access to this and I think I might, thank you.


It's an easy thing to rule out.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> It's an easy thing to rule out.


Well the phone bill does not show anything weird. If any activity is or was present on her phone, it's through apps that are deleted and reinstalled on a regular basis. But that's just a guess at this point. 

I'm moving to VAR shortly as her Internet and phone activity is almost a dead end. To answer the obvious concerns, the VAR can easily be hidden in her car. She never cleans it on her own. I usually do it or she has me take it someplace.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> I would certainly recommend getting in shape. It is almost standard advice. The obvious reason is for your own health and attractiveness. It is also standard advice and it involves taking control of your own life and destiny.
> 
> However, it also seems that tiredness is a big problem. If you are both in shape, it might help.
> 
> Could it happen?


It's good advice, thank you. We have both wanted to, but it's the keeping up with anything we try to do for ourselves that is a whole other issue not for here. We will never be gym rats and that I'm fine with. What we really need is basic equipment in our own house as either the weather or our daughter will keep us inside more than we would like. 

That and between being busy all week and coming home only to have time to cook dinner and relax, housework gets shoved in to the weekend and typically keeps up close to home. With a bike or treadmill in the house we would probably be in better shape.


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## WhereBluebirdsFly (May 2, 2016)

If she knows how you feel and that you feel Facebook it is core issue/problem and she isn't willing to deactivate it for the sake of your relationship, that says it all, doesn't it? A social media site shouldn't be so all consuming, or a major part of your life over your real life relationship. Online is for fun, and part time imo. I got rid of my FB years ago, and do NOT miss it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've always believed that if you have to start snooping in your partner's phone, email, FB account, etc...something is more wrong in the relationship that you think. And it isn't so much her venting to people on FB, but rather that you both have lost the ability to communicate. She is turning to randoms on the internet to vent about you, and you are feeling the need to snoop to find answers, instead of just having an open discussion with her. Facebook isn't the issue, it's just a symptom.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I've always believed that if you have to start snooping in your partner's phone, email, FB account, etc...something is more wrong in the relationship that you think. And it isn't so much her venting to people on FB, but rather that you both have lost the ability to communicate. She is turning to randoms on the internet to vent about you, and you are feeling the need to snoop to find answers, instead of just having an open discussion with her. Facebook isn't the issue, it's just a symptom.


As I stated, our relationship is not perfect and it never will be. She won't open up to me. When she even feels like talking at all, it's about some article on BuzzFeed she finds funny or something else on the computer. The moment I start to be honest with her and try to get to the heart of our problems, she gets angry with me and just shuts down, retreating to FB.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

WhereBluebirdsFly said:


> If she knows how you feel and that you feel Facebook it is core issue/problem and she isn't willing to deactivate it for the sake of your relationship, that says it all, doesn't it? A social media site shouldn't be so all consuming, or a major part of your life over your real life relationship. Online is for fun, and part time imo. I got rid of my FB years ago, and do NOT miss it.


Here's why she won't deactivate it (which I don't feel it's that bad) or limit it. She has severe ADD to the point that she always has to be interacting with something. So if we're watching something on TV with out daughter or just doing something she has no interest in she will play a game or browse FB.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> WhereBluebirdsFly said:
> 
> 
> > If she knows how you feel and that you feel Facebook it is core issue/problem and she isn't willing to deactivate it for the sake of your relationship, that says it all, doesn't it? A social media site shouldn't be so all consuming, or a major part of your life over your real life relationship. Online is for fun, and part time imo. I got rid of my FB years ago, and do NOT miss it.
> ...


How did she handle life before cell phones? Or is she that young?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> As I stated, our relationship is not perfect and it never will be. She won't open up to me. When she even feels like talking at all, it's about some article on BuzzFeed she finds funny or something else on the computer. The moment I start to be honest with her and try to get to the heart of our problems, she gets angry with me and just shuts down, retreating to FB.


I was married and she we went had a few things to handle, but I took most of the weight, and she would not carry any of it. The relationship was strained, which she handled, by closing up, getting lazier and self-indulgent and living on Facebook. Before I am told off, I was well aware how unhappy she was.

If the room is on fire, there are three ways of handling it, putting out the fire, fleeing the room, or hiding under the duvet and pretend it is not happening. It sounds like she is insisting on the third. If there is a good solution, I have not heard it. Patience will just indulge, assertiveness leads to more fear and hiding.

My wife was also diagnosed with ADD, and insisted she felt better after the treatment. But it did not lead her to make and effort. She still managed to be shocked when I left, despite having gone through with my warnings in the past. Hopefully yours will have a better ending. 

If it is any consolation, we are now divorced, and I believe both doing better.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

Livvie said:


> How did she handle life before cell phones? Or is she that young?


She's 34. 3 years older than me. She handled it just fine. It has only been since she got an iPhone 6s that the phone usage during any given day has gotten out of control. 

She can't just sit there and watch what our daughter watches when it's her time to watch TV after dinner. She also doesn't get any chance to play games of hers during the day or check FB at all at work (tragic, I know. #firstworldproblems). So I do know this has alot to do with it. It forced me to really keep my phone usage in check as she is so phased out of everything half the time she doesn't pay attention to me or our daughter at home after dinner. 

It's my belief she does this to unwind as her job she started less than 3 months ago is the most stressful place she has ever worked. Has anyone had any similar experiences with a spouse under new levels of stress and how to help them deal?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

snowcrashed said:


> She's 34. 3 years older than me. She handled it just fine. It has only been since she got an iPhone 6s that the phone usage during any given day has gotten out of control.
> 
> She can't just sit there and watch what our daughter watches when it's her time to watch TV after dinner. She also doesn't get any chance to play games of hers during the day or check FB at all at work (tragic, I know. #firstworldproblems). So I do know this has alot to do with it. It forced me to really keep my phone usage in check as she is so phased out of everything half the time she doesn't pay attention to me or our daughter at home after dinner.
> 
> It's my belief she does this to unwind as her job she started less than 3 months ago is the most stressful place she has ever worked. Has anyone had any similar experiences with a spouse under new levels of stress and how to help them deal?


There are worse ways of coping with stress, but it is a pretty terrible way. Nicotine is increases stress, but because smokers do not feel right without it, they find it relaxing. So it can be with Facebook, she is agitated all day, so calming down can be stressful. Long term though, it is not healthy. 

You can encourage other ways of relaxing, but it would be difficult.


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