# Feeling indifference



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I was reading advice one of the men posters gave to another. I forget who said this.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Indifference-- unconcerned, not mattering one way or another, no importance, no interest, detached.

Well that is how I feel in my marriage. I went from being in love for 14 years to feeling sad, angry, rage, hate, now indifferent.

I hate this feeling. I would rather feel anger, at least I'm feeling an emotion. I know I'm still alive.

This has been building for 1.5 years. My H doesn't show emotion, and worse he doesn't want me to talk to him about anything that I may get emotional about. 

He thinks as long as he pays the bills, earns enough for my physical needs I should be ok. I get no emotional support from him. My mom was dx with cancer in Nov., dad died of cancer in April. My comfort, my pillow I cried into while he kept his distance.

Gut wrenching when I was at the funeral. My 2 sisters husbands were hugging them, holding them, comforting them. I was staring into my dads casket, alone. H was in the back. His justification - he doesn't like funerals. Well who the he!! does.

I have talked to him, reasoned with him, cried, begged, got angry, ignored him, let things go. Before anyone mentions MC, forget it. He doesn't think he has a problem. He says I should accept him for who he is, and that's who he is. He won't read a book, or anything that may tell him he needs to change.

I have detached from him. I believe it doesn't bother him. If it does he doesn't show it, or in anyway express it. He acts like there isn't an issue.

For 14 years we were perfect. This change has happened in the last 1.5 years. It's him not me. I'm still the same. My patience have reached the end. He makes no attempt to get us back on track. I've ask him what happened. If I've done anything let me know I will make it right. He tells me oh nothing.

Could he be going thru male menopause? If so will it make a man act like this. Or is this a normal bump in the road in a marriage.

I guess I should see 14 wonderful years as a blessing. I just wanted it to last forever. Btw he is 44, me 45.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you already know crying, begging and pleading does not work in a marriage. 

Have you guys been to marriage counselling? Suggest it.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

You mentioned that there's no option of marriage counseling, since he doesn't see that there is any problem. However, counseling doesn't always have to include both people. 

Even if you feel like there's nothing that you're doing wrong, a counselor can give you some outside perspective on the issues that you're dealing with. They can also maybe help you in getting your husband to talk to you about your marriage. 

So, you might consider going on your own. Maybe your husband will come around to the idea eventually.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Go to counseling without him. It make be a wake up call. Also oft times people don't like the thought of what things you might be saying behind their back.

Sorry to say that if he suddenly detached a year and a half ago, he may be having an affair.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Your situation really touched my. Like you, my wife lost her parents to cancer. In the same time frame, she lost her grandparents, and her brother died in an accident. Now, her sister has cancer.

Sometimes, she thinks that I don't understand, but I don't let the pillow take the place of my shoulder. She would feel bad for ruining nice business shirts with mascara, but I told her that her tears were more precious than the shirts.

Some men really struglle with emotions. It sounds like your husband caved in to defeat. Your indifference is completely understandable. As the others said, though, counseling can really help you learn to cope with the feelings, and even possible ways to work through what you must do about the lack of emotional support.

I'm really sorry for your pain. 

I went through a midlife crisis, and I'm roughly the same age. Maybe I'm wrong about it, but I wanted to know that our relationship meant something. That it was a big deal. I would've been more sensitive to the pain of death in the lives of others, not less. For me, sensing the pain of a loved one goes deeper than the midlife crisis. It doesn't turn him into a robot. Maybe he becomes less sensitive to your needs, but not so seemingly indifferent. The excuse of not handling funerals well stops having merit at the 2nd cousin level, so there is something seriously wrong here.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

4Sure - sorry to hear how you're hurting. I have two thoughts. First, take the others' advice and seek out a therapist. I was in therapy for 1.5 for depression and after some rough times in my marriage went back to the same guy (great therapist) to talk about my issues and my marriage. I am still amazed how many dots he connected for me - just from hearing stuff from a different perspective. And once you realize that it's not you (and I assume it's not) you will be in a far better place to make sane and reasonable decisions about what you need to do and how.

Second - him. You said it all started 1.5 years ago. I started treatment for major depression at age 41 (I'm a guy too). I was struggling with it for about a year prior to this (the social worker doing the evaluation was flabergasted that i was suffering for so long). I was pretty functional from the outside - managing a department, paying the bills, getting up everyday. But inside everything was gray and there was no joy. (e.g, at my kid's 5th grade concert wondering why I and all the other parents wasting their time with this crap - sad). Maybe this is something for you to explore. Basic questions . . . does he still do things he enjoyed pre the 1.5 years ago (hobbies, sports, other interests). If it is depression - as a head's up - people are still a bit leery of mental illness. And, given your husband's age - a scary prospect to handle that he might need to get serious help. It was tough for me. I couldn't even tell my wife, i had to write her a letter - and even so, I sobbed through her reading it. I'm not trying to scare you - just give you my own perspective. Good luck - i'll be looking out for this thread.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I've thought about going to counseling. Sure couldn't hurt me. Might find something out about myself I didn't know before.

No affair, no suspicious activity.

He does have hobbies, and does guy things. I never thought about depression. If he suffers with it he sure hides it very well. I will ask him.

While reading the responses I realized that although my H appears happy, he doesn't seem to have joy. Happiness comes from circumstances, joy comes from within. Interesting, I will have to talk to him about this.


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