# Financial priorities: Starving and His Pride



## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

My fiance refuses to buy food. Or paper goods. Or ask his parents for help.

I love my fiance very much, and moved to a new state to be with him in the year before we get married because he made it in to grad school. He insisted I come with him at the beginning of the month, so I quit my job and found a new one in the new state and went with him. When I got here, the job fell through. I've been here for almost a month, and I spend all my time applying for jobs. We've decimated both our savings, and my parents, who are in dire financial straights themselves, are sending us every extra penny they can to keep food in our pantry. Unfortunately, it is barely enough.

His first day was yesterday, so he doesn't get his financial aid for at least two more weeks, and he won't get his first paycheck from the university until two pay cycles from now. I asked him what we will be doing for food until the money gets here, and he said that we can make the $25 my parents gave us today last. We have been eating nothing but ramen for about three days. We put $10 in the car for him to get to and from school and me to any interviews I may have, and used $15 on staples. 

The problem is, his parents are six figure earners, while neither of my parents have four year degrees and both are disabled, but he will not ask them for help. I have strict nutritional guidelines I have to stick to because I have a heart condition, but he expects me to eat ramen and hot dogs until the money comes in. He says if I had a job, we wouldn't be in this position, which I find to be painfully true, but unfair. I made a leap of faith and left a good paying job to be with him because he promised to take care of me until the transition was over. We've lived together for two years, and during that time I was an undergrad with full scholarship, national merit, and bright flight, so we didn't have to worry about money. I also worked three jobs and paid for most things.

The other problem that makes this so much worse is that he wants me to go on two trips with him in the next two weeks for his addictive hobby, singing barbershop (stop laughing, it is a real thing, and these men dedicate their lives to it in an irrational way). We have no food, no toilet paper, no paper towels, haven't done laundry since we moved, and he wants to drive twelve hours in a car both ways two weekends in a row?! 

My maid of honor has expressed to me that she doesn't think I should marry him because he is clearly not providing for me. My other best friend who works in CPS told me that if I was under 18 she could have me taken away from him for neglect. They called me this evening crying and told me they wanted to drive 9 1/2 hours to come bring me home. 

Is this abuse? Are they overreacting? I agreed to move up here with him if he promised to take care of me, and I don't get a good feeling if after less than a month he refuses to buy groceries and I'm drinking hot tea to quell hunger pangs while my friends and family at home are questioning his ability to be my husband. How do I get him to buy food and essentials? I love him, and he does everything in the world for me and has stuck by me through a car accident, three spinal surgeries, and a heart procedure. The difference is that before, I financed everything through FinAid. Now that it's his turn, shouldn't I be able to rely on him?

Hungry and Confused.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Can you go back home and get your old job back? He isn't worth your time or health...


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh I'd SO go back home and get the old job back. If this guy thinks trips come before food then he's not a keeper.


----------



## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you so much for responding! 

I don't know if I'd be able to get my old job back. I was a personal assistant to an arts exec, and I know that the position has been filled. I'm one interview away from an awesome job here, and would hate to loose out on it if I move back to STL, where there is NOTHING for me besides mooching off my parents until I could come back. Do you think it would be silly to try the "scare tactic" of going home to my family for a while, and coming back when he has the means to support me? I've never been one to sit at home, and I don't want to overwork him or take advantage of him. He is a good guy, even if he is a total absent minded professor, and I would be ok if he would ask his parents for help! They have more than enough money, go on yearly trips out of and around the country, but he doesn't want to admit he's "failed" to his father. I'm not asking for them to pay our rent, just to loan us fifty bucks for food. Would it be wrong of me to talk to his parents about the situation? Sometimes he has to hear it from his mother, as wussy as that sounds. I want to explore every possible option so I know I'm doing the right thing before I hop on a bus home and torpedo the best relationship I've had in my life because I can't stand to be poor and hungry for a couple weeks.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If he is putting his singing trips ahead of your (and his) needs, then you are NOT a priority to him.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It seems you need him and he knows that. I would wait still a bit longer. Perhaps give him a time limit. Good luck


----------



## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

You have a point, dormant. I already told him this morning before I drove him to school that I wouldn't be going with him this weekend or next. He promised to quit two of the groups he's in after he fulfills the obligations he's already committed to. I'm going to see if he follows through on the one this weekend and tells them he's quitting after this gig. 

I honestly don't think he realized that I was ready to walk. He was that oblivious. I worry sometimes that if there wasn't someone here to drag him out of his music, he'd starve to death. He's not malicious, he's just a little bit like Robin Williams in Flubber. Totally absorbed in his subject and hobby to the exclusion of all else.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep us informed. We are here for you...


----------



## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you, accept. I'm doing that, and I really will follow through if he doesn't quit the group this weekend. Sometimes, the only thing he understands is action.

I'll keep updating as it goes along. I really appreciate your advice and help. It's just a weird situation, you know? I've always been the one who has warned others out of abusive relationships, and I truly don't know if this is stupidity or abuse. I never thought I'd be begging family members for food. I don't think I should have to. But at the same time, he's a good person. It's almost like he's broken my trust in him, does that make sense?


----------



## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

You two aren't married yet, so while you're still legally single entities, you both claim to be willing to take the vows you'll be committed to for the rest of your life. Being too poor to afford food is a circumstantial thing, and itself isn't a red flag, in my book (in richness and poorness, after all).

The red flag is that he's putting his hobby BEFORE your relationship. If he was a single guy and he wanted to skip dinner and hit the barbershop quartet club instead, then that's entirely his decision. But if he still wants to put his hobby before keeping his family fed, then that's an entirely different matter. How do you know if he's willing to honour you, cherish you, and put you above all others if he's not stepping up? 

It's also a big warning sign that he's already 'promised' to take care of you for a while, and hasn't followed through with that promise either. Whether you leave this guy or stick around, I'd at least seriously consider whether you want to be married to a person who can't keep a promise and doesn't seem to have any idea of what wedding vows are supposed to mean. You could call off the engagement and remain as girlfriend/boyfriend until you're more sure about his commitment to you and him as a family unit.


----------



## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

Jane_Doe, those things! That's what I'm worried about.

1) What it says about me that at the first sign of failure, I want to run
2) What it says about his commitment level that he doesn't get that when I moved with him, I needed him start living those vows NOW, not in a year. 

I guess I just wonder why starving your future spouse is better than admitting weakness to your parents, because if we both stay in our current careers, money is always going to be tight, and for a while we're going to need help, and it can't always come from my family. And truly, I'm ok with being poor. What I'm NOT ok with is this inability to distinguish necessity from want.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Costanze said:


> 1) What it says about me that at the first sign of failure, I want to run


Running because the guy won't put the toilet seat down is one thing running because he won't provide 3 square meals is something all together different.


----------



## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

Costanze said:


> Jane_Doe, those things! That's what I'm worried about.
> 
> 1) What it says about me that at the first sign of failure, I want to run
> 2) What it says about his commitment level that he doesn't get that when I moved with him, I needed him start living those vows NOW, not in a year.
> ...


This whole post, and when you said before that you feel he's broken your trust could be my own writing. I feel exactly like you do - down to the worries about what it says about me if I leave, but more importantly, that nagging feeling that I keep trying to hide that I can't count on him when the going gets tough.

It's like, when a man proposes to you, there's an implicit understanding that they are going to take care of you. And in return, you promise to take care of them. Not in the old-fashioned "the man pays for the bills" type of thing, but a promise to each other that both people are going to do whatever is necessary to get through things. So when they don't fulfill that, but you do - when it turns out they're NOT willing to do whatever is necessary, there's a sense of betrayal. (This same thing applies to women, obviously, but since the OP and I are both talking about relationships with men, I'm going to go with that scenario.) 

As in - why did you propose if you couldn't fulfill those promises? What is going to happen to us the next time the going gets tough? And the sense of loneliness and burden that comes with being the only one who is really willing to do anything it takes.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So this man, who are you are going to spend the rest of your life with, is not wanting to buy you proper food, or give you the proper resources, or take out a hint of debt, or ask his parents for a small-term loan, or anything. 

Hm...I fear how he would consider buying a house to raise a family...would he want to have $500k to be able to buy it all at once?

As for your concerns about you leaving at the first hint of trouble, I understand them, but I do think something should be brought up.
You are running from a man, that has people and resources that would allow him to get some money, to provide you 3 square meals a day. 
But he won't. Because of pride.


----------



## KellyK (Sep 4, 2012)

I agree with all the points other have made, and would just add that this is a man who takes money for gas and food from his fiancee's disabled parents. You're not married yet, most men would be doing their best to make a good impression to their future wife's family, but he is perfectly happy mooching from them. I don't know how he has any self-respect. Or how your parents can respect him.

There are so many reasons to end this relationship now and very few that I can see to stay.

I'm also very concerned for your health with your heart condition. 

Good luck with your job interview.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Let me offer an alternative perspective. And before I offer it, I'm going to say if you're in this bad of a bind, and he wants to travel for something that's just personal gratification for him, then he's entirely wrong in doing so. Yes, maintaining previous commitments is a good thing, but there's a thing called priorities. And his are wrong. 

But about that: You say his parents are well off. That's probably the single biggest reason he refuses to accept anything. I'm going to guess that for his whole previous life till now, they controlled everything about his life, via money and his being dependent. It's not charitable to call it "pride", it's more like having a life of your own, if this is true. It may have taken every last iota of his will and determination to break away from it, and he simply refuses to risk falling into it again. 

I'd ask him, if I were you, why he's so resistant to having his parent's help. Let's say that I have some personal experience in this, as a young adult, though my parents were not well off. The attempted control of every last detail of my life, even down to trying to direct what girls I had contact with when I was 16-20 years old (no, not date, just who I had contact with...), my hairstyle, the style of my glass frames, the shoes I wore, and every detail of my life, hobbies, job, school, EVERYTHING. 

Give him the security to be able to tell you what motivates his behavior, without fear of retaliation. You deserve to know, and he needs to face up to his own behavior.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Move away, you are addicted to an imagined lovely, but destructive relation


----------

