# 20 Plus Years, very happy husband writes...



## BigBadWolf

I wrote this in response to another question about what I wished I had known from the beginning of marriage, but it may generate interest here also...

I've been married for over 20 years, with 3 kids. I would describe myself as extremely happy. Here's some of the things I wished I'd known from the very beginning:

1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.

2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.

3. Many women like to be spanked. I'm serious, and I wish this was stated on every marriage license issued. As a man this goes against so much of what I thought I knew about how to treat a woman, but it's a darn good way to make number 2 a powerful and fun part of marriage and sex. Near as I can figure, it's like women have, at their core, the opposite of a man's ego, something inside them that tells them they are "bad", or "ugly", or "worthless." My wife tells me she loves being spanked, especially if she is acting "overwhelmed" or overly "emotional", and afterwards she feels both emotionally refreshed and intensely sexually charged, and I get the benefits of both. I swear I'm not making this up.

4. One of the best things a man can do is take charge of the relationship sexually. In my marriage, we have a "100 percent policy", which simply states I get what I want when I want it. What does this do? It makes me RESPONSIBLE to make sure the emotional connection between my wife and I is ALWAYS strong (see number 1), it allows our entire existence to be "foreplay", as both my wife and myself seem to be always somewhat "turned on" by each other. She is sexually charged by the "dominance" that I have, and I am emotionally connected to her every glance, word, or movement. There is no downward spiral of "rejection" that comes from a wimpy man having to beg an insecure wife to please consider intercourse. Our sex is passionate, primal, exploratory, and spontaneous (did I mention we've been married over 20 years?). I don't waste my time watching sports, having affairs, or wishing I was dead, while my wife nags and complains that I never pay attention to her. My days with my wife are spent flirting with her, our shopping trips usually involve me picking out something nice for her to wear, and at my career I can be absolutely confident and focused, and I can say without reservation I absolutely love an adore my wife 24/7.

Good luck.


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## Tweak

I agree ALOT with this as it goes hand in hand with what I have read and learned over the years.
See I used to be labeled a "Good Boy" in School.I still am to the extent that I do not cheat or beat my wife.However I am a sexual animal with her and always try knew things.
I think when I was dating different girls,being labeled a "good boy" actually made something snap in me.It was as if I knew subconsciously that women needed this domination.But it took years to finally get a clue about it.
Now I am a "Good but Bad Boy" with my wife.Although when we were dating she has admitted that I was a "Bad Boy".

One key point I want to add to your statements above is that ALL women love Bad Boys,this is FACT,but the other point with this is that all women tend to want to reform/save/convert this Bad Boy to be true and faithful to only one woman.This is why women tend to hurt themselves with Bad Boys,they think he will change.In fact some Bad Boys do change,but they change because of true love or growing up and realizing they need a steady relationship.Ever heard a woman say "I love him so much,even though he is not good for me"?

The problem I have,as I am sure most people that read this would agree,is that Bad Boys that learn this above information coupled with knowing how to find a woman's hot buttons is a "player" or "man hoe".Using this information to better ones relationship with his wife is wonderful and I am sure it will work most of the time.However if a single guy was to read this it could cause harm in that he would be promiscuous and destroy alot of women.

I will be honest and say that if I knew and understood these things 15 years ago,I would have had a list of girls/women a mile long.I thank God I was blind because I truly would have hated this,because I cannot stand to see a woman cry and I would surely have caused alot of it.


***Edit-While My wife agrees she likes the occasional love pat on the bottom,she has stated it makes her mad to be spanked.I think this may vary from woman to woman.Now I will agree that the occasional smack on the bottom during sex is erotic and on occasion she has had a Orgasm with the little smack.She has stated implicitly she does not like it and it ticks her off.Maybe it is a timing issue?I do know that I have pulled her hair and while making love and she has came really hard. This is in essence the same thing,a show of domination.


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## confused007

I agree with what these men have said - as I had seen this in my husband. He is a bad boy and I truly like the dominance. I just wish I could figure out how to keep him in my life and happy with me now. I know that sex was an issue previously (I fell into the "rut" and took our relationship for granit). Although we are currently separated (but still living in same home), I find him so desirable now and want to have sex with him everytime I see him. We sometimes flirt and it drives me crazy! Maybe it's because it is forbidden fruit (since we are separate)? I don't know, but I don't know why I couldn't feel this way when we were together. 

I agree with BigBadWolf... He didn't used to beg or ask for sex, he would just demand it or take it and I like that.


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## lastinline

*1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.*

I agree with this statement 100%. My wife long ago became a mother to my children and ceased being a wife to me. I have become very resentful about "begging for sex", and it has poisoned the very well springs of our marriage. 

Ironically, I also did retreat into a hobby/sport to fill the void. I took up martial arts years ago to "channel aggression". In response to my pawn to E4 move, my wife indeed took up both daytime television and turned to friends. This served to further widen the gulf between us.

In my estimation, I never rejected her. I would routinely approach her for sex, but she would be too tired, or worse consent but basically roll over and lay there. After a decade or so of this I just began to plan my exit strategy.

*2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.*

I have tried to "make my wife my partner". I honestly thought that's what I was friggin supposed to do. I agree, it has lead to resentment, especially on my part because she doesn't seem to "step up". I feel I carry an inordinant amount of the load, and in essence she's little more than a parasite. Not exactly the most fertile ground for love/romance to bloom. 

I just don't know where to go with my relationship at this point. I have been pressing hard towards divorce as she doesn't seem to want to compromise at all. I agree she feels completely insecure with me as I have repeatedly sent the message "you're not up to speed". This message has indeed lead to a further reduction in sex between us, actually exacerbating the original problem.

I honestly don't believe in unconditional love. There are certain deal breakers: cheating, substance abuse, and physical abuse. In my humble opinion withholding sex is a form of physical abuse.
I can hear the dissenters running towards me now shouting "but nobody's ever died or been sent to the E.R. from a lack of sex". 

This may be technically true, but the medical literature is full of tremendous evidence that sex is important for everything from immune function to mental health. Furthermore, as someone who has trained for years in the fighting arts, I guartantee if I was so inclined, I could beat the bejesus out of someone if I desired, without leaving much in the way of physical evidence. Just because I'm not bleeding do not think for a moment I haven't been hurt. Sometimes the worst scars to bear are the ones on the inside.

That being said, I just don't know where to go from here. I have no emotional connection to my wife because I have no physical connection to her. It's that old, you need experience to get a job, but how can you get experience without a job thing.

Reconciliation seems to be off the table, leaving only separation and divorce in my estimation. Have I missed anything? LIL


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## okeydokie

lastinline said:


> *1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.*
> 
> I agree with this statement 100%. My wife long ago became a mother to my children and ceased being a wife to me. I have become very resentful about "begging for sex", and it has poisoned the very well springs of our marriage.
> 
> Ironically, I also did retreat into a hobby/sport to fill the void. I took up martial arts years ago to "channel aggression". In response to my pawn to E4 move, my wife indeed took up both daytime television and turned to friends. This served to further widen the gulf between us.
> 
> In my estimation, I never rejected her. I would routinely approach her for sex, but she would be too tired, or worse consent but basically roll over and lay there. After a decade or so of this I just began to plan my exit strategy.
> 
> *2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.*
> 
> I have tried to "make my wife my partner". I honestly thought that's what I was friggin supposed to do. I agree, it has lead to resentment, especially on my part because she doesn't seem to "step up". I feel I carry an inordinant amount of the load, and in essence she's little more than a parasite. Not exactly the most fertile ground for love/romance to bloom.
> 
> I just don't know where to go with my relationship at this point. I have been pressing hard towards divorce as she doesn't seem to want to compromise at all. I agree she feels completely insecure with me as I have repeatedly sent the message "you're not up to speed". This message has indeed lead to a further reduction in sex between us, actually exacerbating the original problem.
> 
> I honestly don't believe in unconditional love. There are certain deal breakers: cheating, substance abuse, and physical abuse. In my humble opinion withholding sex is a form of physical abuse.
> I can hear the dissenters running towards me now shouting "but nobody's ever died or been sent to the E.R. from a lack of sex".
> 
> This may be technically true, but the medical literature is full of tremendous evidence that sex is important for everything from immune function to mental health. Furthermore, as someone who has trained for years in the fighting arts, I guartantee if I was so inclined, I could beat the bejesus out of someone if I desired, without leaving much in the way of physical evidence. Just because I'm not bleeding do not think for a moment I haven't been hurt. Sometimes the worst scars to bear are the ones on the inside.
> 
> That being said, I just don't know where to go from here. I have no emotional connection to my wife because I have no physical connection to her. It's that old, you need experience to get a job, but how can you get experience without a job thing.
> 
> Reconciliation seems to be off the table, leaving only separation and divorce in my estimation. Have I missed anything? LIL


wow, all i can say is well said, i am right there with ya


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## BigBadWolf

I am trying to notice what things I have done over the years, myabe that are not too common, but that are working very effectively in my marriage. 

I will include these from time to time as they may be helpful to others.

For this post, wanting to share that actions speak louder than words. Here is what I do.

Limiting the number of time I say "I love you". Instead of saying this constantly, maybe a few times a day at most, but always at least once, instead I try to bite my tongue, and instead DO SOMETHING instead to show how I feel to my wife. 

For example, to see her walk into the room, or I walk into a room that she is in, instead of just the usual saying "I love you", instead I will stop what I am doing to acknowledge her, wink at her, give her a look "up and down", swat her behind, etc. The point is, something physical, but regardless to always do someting to show the "love", and especially the privelege of the relationship with her is acknowledged.

Also when my wife tells me "I love you", I do not always just repeat and respond, as if this is a habit. Instead sometimes I will just nod my head in agreement (this is provocative to her and will usually make her playfully aggressive with me), or simply wink at her, or sometimes even say something also throwing her a "curve ball" like "You'd better love me girl". 

The point is, to avoid just repeating the words and letting them lose their luster, instead to do and show in these other ways. Also the times I do say "I love you" my wife is noticing and knowing it is special and not just spoken out of habit.

Also listening is important, but even to notice if she is mentioning something, to make sure I find ways to DO SOMETHING acknowledging this. 

For example, my wife mentioned some time in the past during a casual conversation that she is wanting to try this new product. So last week I am at the store and I purchase this product for her, and she is amazed that I am not only listening, but ACTING on what she is saying, even in something so small is a big opportunity for communication. 

These are just some things to show that the action speaks louder than words, and maybe are helpful to others.


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## MEM2020

Limiting the amount of times I say "I love you". 
I ABSOLUTELY DO THE EXACT SAME THING. AND BELIEVE THIS IS PART OF THE REASON WIFE IS SO CRAZY ABOUT ME. 

OVER LOVING someone is a certain train wreck. You cannot value something that is in over supply. 

And yes this means I bite my tongue/exert some self control to keep a little more emotional space between us then there would be otherwise. This is not a GAME it is a STRATEGY. It is part of keeping the passion high in a LTR.

As for doing loving things - YES - over time women love men of action more then men of words. 

But I make sure there is enough space between us - to let her come to me. When she does I respond. So she is not insecure. But I am not all over her all the time. No one likes that. 




BigBadWolf said:


> I am trying to notice what things I have done over the years, myabe that are not too common, but that are working very effectively in my marriage.
> 
> I will include these from time to time as they may be helpful to others.
> 
> For this post, wanting to share that actions speak louder than words. Here is what I do.
> 
> Limiting the number of time I say "I love you". Instead of saying this constantly, maybe a few times a day at most, but always at least once, instead I try to bite my tongue, and instead DO SOMETHING instead to show how I feel to my wife.
> 
> For example, to see her walk into the room, or I walk into a room that she is in, instead of just the usual saying "I love you", instead I will stop what I am doing to acknowledge her, wink at her, give her a look "up and down", swat her behind, etc. The point is, something physical, but regardless to always do someting to show the "love", and especially the privelege of the relationship with her is acknowledged.
> 
> Also when my wife tells me "I love you", I do not always just repeat and respond, as if this is a habit. Instead sometimes I will just nod my head in agreement (this is provocative to her and will usually make her playfully aggressive with me), or simply wink at her, or sometimes even say something also throwing her a "curve ball" like "You'd better love me girl".
> 
> The point is, to avoid just repeating the words and letting them lose their luster, instead to do and show in these other ways. Also the times I do say "I love you" my wife is noticing and knowing it is special and not just spoken out of habit.
> 
> Also listening is important, but even to notice if she is mentioning something, to make sure I find ways to DO SOMETHING acknowledging this.
> 
> For example, my wife mentioned some time in the past during a casual conversation that she is wanting to try this new product. So last week I am at the store and I purchase this product for her, and she is amazed that I am not only listening, but ACTING on what she is saying, even in something so small is a big opportunity for communication.
> 
> These are just some things to show that the action speaks louder than words, and maybe are helpful to others.


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## Andre2000

I noticed this goes for sex too. I get amazing results when I just act on it instead of detailing what I want before hand. Actually, when I explain the sexual acts....it seems to turn my dates off and I get nothing.


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## MEM2020

Women HATE awkward conversations about sex and sexual acts. You start touching them in a sexual way and they either push you away or you are golden. 





Andre2000 said:


> I noticed this goes for sex too. I get amazing results when I just act on it instead of detailing what I want before hand. Actually, when I explain the sexual acts....it seems to turn my dates off and I get nothing.


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## Andre2000

MEM11363 said:


> Women HATE awkward conversations about sex and sexual acts. You start touching them in a sexual way and they *either push you away or you are golden*.


Lol i have a funny story about this very thing.
I was dating this girl from the south. I thought we just were incompatible due to culture differences because she was always pushing me away and saying "no" or "stop" to me which was a real turn off, but she'd always call me the next day. One day I asked her if she was attracted to me, she said yes. I told her she confuses me.

Well one day, when told me to "stop", I did. Then I moved over and sat across the room. She straddled me and I played with her until she told me to stop again....well....we ended up laying on the floor together. When she told me to stop, I held her wrist. I said 
"_Tell me NO one more time_" in a deep and not so playful manner.

She said "no"
I started spanking her. Her reaction...was amazing. Completely transformed. She was HAPPY, and extremely excited, told me I was "so bad", she called me batman while I did things to her. At that point I started telling her what to do and she did EVERYTHING. 

That was probably my most incredible night I had with her. After that, I regressed to my niceguyness...and needless to say here she has a boyfriend now. I've had two other women since then, not saying I'm crying over her just making a point.


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## Alexandra

Here's just a few thoughts I have... 

Your post made me stinking angry at first, then I figured that's what you wanted, passionate reaction. Hmmmmm. So I told myself to settle down.

I agree with your first point. And I totally wish that more women got that. If they could nurture their husbands sexually (in a healthy way), their marriage would be better off. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that sometimes. Sex is a powerful thing and it's not handled well at times by both men and women.

I'll be honest. I thought hard about your spanking comment. Seriously. My conclusion is nope, I cannot say that would turn my crank or make me feel like a woman. I prefer to be cherished. Held accountable for my actions, led by a strong, intelligent man, sure. But not in that personal, intimate, physical punishment type of way. Sorry, not for me. And I'm thinking not for many women. Your wife likes to get it, you like to give it? Good for you.

Marriage is in fact a partnership, although not with "equal" partners. Each bring something different into a marriage and each need to step up to that role. But both need to be supportive and work together (as successful partners do).


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## BigBadWolf

Andre2000 said:


> She said "no"
> I started spanking her. Her reaction...was amazing. Completely transformed. She was HAPPY, and extremely excited, told me I was "so bad", she called me batman while I did things to her. At that point I started telling her what to do and she did EVERYTHING.


And this is very much treasure advice and testimony right here. Understand when a woman sees her man as dominant, in this case very playfully but is the perfect example, she will CRAVE to do this "EVERYTHING" for him.

When a man understands and experiences this for himself, it is as if the new world is opened up. 

This is again why I try to bring up this kind of spanking, it is a fun and exciting way for the man and woman to discover this for themselves, and see it in action. 

Words on a forum do not do this justice, but it is powerful to witness in action. 

Thank you for sharing this.


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## MEM2020

Alex,
At risk of TMI - my experience with this stuff is as follows. Oh and my experience also aligns with all the research I have read on human female sexual behavior as it pertains to their ovulation cycle. 

At her low desire point - my wife only wants gentle sex. As her desire level rises getting toward her mid cycle peak and ovulation - she wants ever more alpha behavior from me in bed. Simple stuff like some playful wrestling before hand where I over power her. Now - context is EVERYTHING - my wife feels totally totally safe with me. She knows I would never hurt her. So at some level this all works for her. Physically being dominated hits some wiring that makes her desire levels flare in a way that nothing else can. I am NOT saying she likes pain. I am saying she seems to go crazy for the being overpowered scenario at that point in the month. 

At her peak - once we start she LIKES to be held down by me. And on occasion likes to be spanked. She does NOT like being spanked at any other time. 

Mildly rough sex is a super spicy form of love - I never ever would have thought I would like it - but I do. And the funny thing is that in all this - I am the innocent. She initiated all of it. Really I feel kind of naive some days.....



Alexandra said:


> Here's just a few thoughts I have...
> 
> Your post made me stinking angry at first, then I figured that's what you wanted, passionate reaction. Hmmmmm. So I told myself to settle down.
> 
> I agree with your first point. And I totally wish that more women got that. If they could nurture their husbands sexually (in a healthy way), their marriage would be better off. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that sometimes. Sex is a powerful thing and it's not handled well at times by both men and women.
> 
> I'll be honest. I thought hard about your spanking comment. Seriously. My conclusion is nope, I cannot say that would turn my crank or make me feel like a woman. I prefer to be cherished. Held accountable for my actions, led by a strong, intelligent man, sure. But not in that personal, intimate, physical punishment type of way. Sorry, not for me. And I'm thinking not for many women. Your wife likes to get it, you like to give it? Good for you.
> 
> Marriage is in fact a partnership, although not with "equal" partners. Each bring something different into a marriage and each need to step up to that role. But both need to be supportive and work together (as successful partners do).


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## gobroncos6

Oh my. I'm new here on the forums and find this thread fascinating! (Been married 7 years btw, first & only hubby). I was just reading along, nodding my head and agreeing with Bigbadwolf until he mentioned spanking! I would laugh if my husband did that to me! I don't know if it would do anything for me sexually or not, but it sounds hilarious. 

I do agree with a man needing to be a man--in the bed and elsewhere. Very important. I think it's part of why a man being laid off work is hard, very demoralizing for a man.

I'm not sure about your "100% policy". I guess my H would like never being rejected, but he says he doesn't like having to be the one to ask every time. Sometimes he wants me to initiate, but maybe it's because of the rejection part. I don't reject him a lot but hello--occasionally! I won't just jump cuz he says jump.

Great post. Will read more replies later!
kb


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## swedish

I have to agree with Alexandra and gobroncos6....the thought of being spanked does not do anything for me either.


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor

I have to say I disagree with the spanking issue. I would be shocked to say the least!


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## MEM2020

Rough physical interaction and its impact on arousal levels is not something to "analyze". You do it once or twice and see how your body reacts. 

I understand why your 21st century brain is telling you this is offensive. I will also tell you that every woman I have been with gets turned on by being physically overpowered. Some like the playful tone, some a bit more serious and some like a truly rough borderline mean tone. I like playful the best - but am willing to role play as needed. This is a 100 percent hit rate - the wrestling to overpower. As for spanking - IF - you do this when a pre-menopausal woman is mid-cycle you have way more than a 50 percent chance of it turning her on. WAY MORE. Mid cycle, hormones cause women want a rougher more dominant male interaction style. 

If you choose to look at being spanked as the guy is doing something degrading to you - your loss. This is no different than the guys who feel it is degrading their wives always want the men to initiate and the wives are pretty relaxed about rejecting their mens advances. Good sex is a HIGH INTENSITY experience. The rejection is usually not a mean spirited thing and the spanking is NOT mean spirited unless the guy is a head case - it is just one more ratchet higher in the dominance spectrum. 











BellaOnlineMarriageEditor said:


> I have to say I disagree with the spanking issue. I would be shocked to say the least!


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## BigBadWolf

swedish said:


> I have to agree with Alexandra and gobroncos6....the thought of being spanked does not do anything for me either.





BellaOnlineMarriageEditor said:


> I have to say I disagree with the spanking issue. I would be shocked to say the least!





MEM11363 said:


> Rough physical interaction and its impact on arousal levels is not something to "analyze". You do it once or twice and see how your body reacts.



Exactly what MEM11363 has said, basically not to knock it before you try it. 

Again notice what I have said in the point of spanking, I had no idea and was going against how I was raised to never hit a woman. 

But in this way, in sexual attraction and in a form of discipline and yes, the physical display of dominance, to take these first steps it was like the new world opening to see in reaction of the woman. 

The first time I took this spanking to action, to see and experience sexual reactions in these "primal" sense, spanking for starters maybe, and maybe leading to other forms of physical display, know that it really does not do it justice to write or even speak much about it, only to experience it. 



MEM11363 said:


> I understand why your 21st century brain is telling you this is offensive. I will also tell you that every woman I have been with gets turned on by being physically overpowered.


So it is exactly this, to the point of this thread, to never under estimate in sexual attraction the difference between action and words. 

Sexual attraction is behavior and feeling and emotion MUCH older than words or language in us as human beings.

Also it is good to say, and I am sure MEM11363 is agreeing, there is nothing to say in these things that is non consensual between the man and woman.

I will confess, in the private places as I am a man with my woman, that I have taken the courage to behave and push myself to this type of physical sexual assertiveness, to give the specific details would not be beneficial, and perhaps even distracting to this topic, but simply to say to use pinning and wrestling and bondage and overpowering to the effect of I was often thinking I would go to jail very easily for such things if it was truly non consensual. 

But know in my relationship, there is always the "safe word" that is always honored, and so unless to hear that it is to continue to be surprised at how far these boundries have been pushed!!!

And know this also, this is nothing I have sprung upon my woman out of the blue, for understand that it was over time her own hints and suggestions and fantasies, of boundage, or to be spanked, or to be held down, or to be ravished. And in hearing these clues, so I pursued the behavior, and was very much rewarded for it. 




MEM11363 said:


> Some like the playful tone, some a bit more serious and some like a truly rough borderline mean tone. I like playful the best - but am willing to role play as needed. This is a 100 percent hit rate - the wrestling to overpower. As for spanking - IF - you do this when a pre-menopausal woman is mid-cycle you have way more than a 50 percent chance of it turning her on. WAY MORE. Mid cycle, hormones cause women want a rougher more dominant male interaction style.
> 
> If you choose to look at being spanked as the guy is doing something degrading to you - your loss. This is no different than the guys who feel it is degrading their wives always want the men to initiate and the wives are pretty relaxed about rejecting their mens advances. Good sex is a HIGH INTENSITY experience. The rejection is usually not a mean spirited thing and the spanking is NOT mean spirited unless the guy is a head case - it is just one more ratchet higher in the dominance spectrum.


It is not uncommon for a woman to share in words that she does not understand why she is getting so physically sexually turned on by some of these behaviors, and instead she should maybe be somewhat offended or nervous. But the effect is very real and to see a woman "unleashed" there is nothing else like it!


So it is true to not let the mind thinking "degrading" when the body is maybe feeling something much different.


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## MEM2020

We have a safe word to. She has NEVER once used it. 





BigBadWolf said:


> Exactly what MEM11363 has said, basically not to knock it before you try it.
> 
> Again notice what I have said in the point of spanking, I had no idea and was going against how I was raised to never hit a woman.
> 
> But in this way, in sexual attraction and in a form of discipline and yes, the physical display of dominance, to take these first steps it was like the new world opening to see in reaction of the woman.
> 
> The first time I took this spanking to action, to see and experience sexual reactions in these "primal" sense, spanking for starters maybe, and maybe leading to other forms of physical display, know that it really does not do it justice to write or even speak much about it, only to experience it.
> 
> 
> 
> So it is exactly this, to the point of this thread, to never under estimate in sexual attraction the difference between action and words.
> 
> Sexual attraction is behavior and feeling and emotion MUCH older than words or language in us as human beings.
> 
> Also it is good to say, and I am sure MEM11363 is agreeing, there is nothing to say in these things that is non consensual between the man and woman.
> 
> I will confess, in the private places as I am a man with my woman, that I have taken the courage to behave and push myself to this type of physical sexual assertiveness, to give the specific details would not be beneficial, and perhaps even distracting to this topic, but simply to say to use pinning and wrestling and bondage and overpowering to the effect of I was often thinking I would go to jail very easily for such things if it was truly non consensual.
> 
> But know in my relationship, there is always the "safe word" that is always honored, and so unless to hear that it is to continue to be surprised at how far these boundries have been pushed!!!
> 
> And know this also, this is nothing I have sprung upon my woman out of the blue, for understand that it was over time her own hints and suggestions and fantasies, of boundage, or to be spanked, or to be held down, or to be ravished. And in hearing these clues, so I pursued the behavior, and was very much rewarded for it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is not uncommon for a woman to share in words that she does not understand why she is getting so physically sexually turned on by some of these behaviors, and instead she should maybe be somewhat offended or nervous. But the effect is very real and to see a woman "unleashed" there is nothing else like it!
> 
> 
> So it is true to not let the mind thinking "degrading" when the body is maybe feeling something much different.


----------



## psycheee

Hi all,
Before I forget I want to comment on the spanking thing: for me, I think it's great fun to be spanked by my husband however, I must feel an emotional connection to him or else it would be humiliating to me, an emotion I do not enjoy. There are a tremendous amount of quirky, kinky and crazy things that couples can (and should) do together in the bedroom (and every other place they can find) but love and respect must be present in my opinion for it to be a healthy, truly enjoyable experience.

That being said, so much of what has been posted in this thread rings true of my marriage. Though there are many issues, fundamentally, I believed my husband no longer loved me and he believed I no longer wanted him. See, like many women in order for me to make love I have to feel connected, and like many men, for my husband to want to connect with me he needed sex to feel loved and respected. 

Neither one of us were wrong, we were actually both right, we were just not accurate. The truth was that he did love me but I didn't feel loved because the things I needed most from him to feel that he loved me were the things he withheld because he felt I didn't want him. Comparatively, he felt rejected by me but it was never my intention to reject him, I wanted him very much, I just felt hurt by his lack of affection.

Once we identified these truths and communicated lovingly and respectfully and forgave one another for the past hurts, we were able to reconnect and we renewed our commitment to our marriage and to one another. Subsequently we each identified what we needed most from the other to "feel" the love we had for one another. (I needed more affection and quality time with him and he needed more respect, appreciation and physical closeness from me).

As a psych major I have realized a couple things that have brought my husband and I much peace and relief; As humans we frequently think the other person means what we interpret it to be, or our perception of what they mean. Our perception can sometimes trick us into believing something that is really more about what we think and feel rather than the other person.

What can we do? Much!!! I invited my husband to start with me on a journey of getting reacquainted with ourselves individually, a journey of personal growth. Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". I would modify that by saying "the unexamined life is probably not one in which you will have a happy relationship; especially when your spouse is growing and you are not". Someone wise once said that a relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it, I forget who that was but I agree!

What we did? First: As stated, it is important to work on knowing ourselves and what we really want from our spouse(we can't ask for what we do not identify); Second: improve communication skills(we must be loving and respectful to one another, no one wants to listen if they feel they are being attacked or patronized); Third: be honest with our level of commitment to our marriage and our partner. I think the only thing worse than hearing a spouse no long loves us is being with a non-loving spouse who says they do love you but refuses to love you the way you want to be loved.

My husband and I were caught in a vicious and painful cycle of circular reasoning that rendered us both becoming unfaithful, hurting one another very badly, separating on and off for many years, causing pain to our children and both of us feeling many times like we wanted to divorce, or just plain kill one another or ourselves. My marriage today is the happiest it has ever been; though we still have issues we work on and days we get disconnected, we are more in love than at any other time of our 32 years together. 

Peace and many blessings,
~psycheee (that's psycheee as in psyche(the mind), not psychic as in fortune teller,lol).


----------



## Blue Moon

WOW. If we were talking about this in person I'd buy you a drink. The wife and I celebrated our first anniversary last week. While learning the ropes of this marriage stuff I can say that I began learning a few of the things you listed. So to see it laid out by a man whose been there and done that it definitely reinforces what I've picked up, while also opening my eyes to a few more things.

I especially like #4, because it puts the onus on the man to keep things in order by being proactive about sex and his emotional well-being (and the emotional well-being of the relationship) instead of reactive. When I first started figuring a few things out the strategic parts became fun to me and I felt like I was coming into my own. This post gave me a few more tools to incorporate to put me well ahead of the game.

Being married is no joke but can be sweet when you own it and put in the work to make it flourish. My hat goes off to all of you seasoned married guys who have this stuff down to a science. As a young pup it makes me look forward to the future stages of married life :smthumbup:


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## flatterpuss

Bigbadwolf, thanks for that post. Great to see a strong, intelligent man COMMIT to his wife and stand strong. 

She is a lucky woman and you are a lucky man. Damn straight you shouldn't waste your time having affairs when you are so fulfilled by your wife - and in turn fulfill her so much.


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## Eraz2010

Great thread! Enjoyed ready all the posts. I'm a "secong-time lucky" guy married to an awesome woman with a new child.

Have to agree with everything in the original (BigBadWolf) posting...excepy my wife never wants to be spanked...and it's not been a feature of our intimacy until recently. I played with it in the very beginning (as previous GF's had loved it) but she wasn't into it at all.

However, within the last 12 months something interesting has happened... she spanks me! And not in a playful way either, although our sexlife has defo gotten more passionate since.

The first time she did it was after one of those multi-day never-ending arguments where you fling sh*t at each other over and over again. She hot the roof after one comment I made and ordered me to bare my butt and hand her my belt. WOW! Did she ever whop me good! It saved a vacation and stopped the argument...and the scolding she gave me during it really got through and nade me see what an a**hole I was being.

It had a great eefect although I was very confused about it all afterwards. We even looked in the whole femdom thing afterwards and neither of us were interested. She has spanked me again recently for a variety of reasons (again for my own good) and says it's not that she wishes to dominate me, or wants me to be "submissive"...far from it, she likes that I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!

So, there can be a twist on the origins of this thread...

I have certainly read a multitude of threads here where in my opinion if the woman who is being wronged (usually by a lazy-a** loser who wants to sponge of her and thinks he can treat her like cr*p just because she is a "weak" woman) took the initiative to crack the belt over their butts then they'd see an immediate (and potentially grateful) change in their men.


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## infotechproximity9

she is priety much hot and fulfill my needs at the beed...
I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!
__________________________
 Used Auto Parts  |  Used Car Parts


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## Mrs. Mom

My husband and I have been married for 23 years. The last three has been aweful. He never really cared for sex and 90% of the time I inistiated it. Except for the one time when I was recovering from a messy, painful childbirth, Ive never turned him away... But he has said "No" to me so many times that it is not even worth asking anymore.

I will not have an affair but I think he is having one... He is a preacher.

If he ever hits me, spank or slap..etc. I will kill him. Not joking, honestly.


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## LFC

Hi I have a few problems that need ironing out in my marriage.
To Bigbadwolf any chance you can get your wife to give her view of how the marriage works,what she likes about the marriage etc


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## Runawaytrain

Hahahaha!!! :smthumbup:

I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't. 

I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm :scratchhead:

He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times. 

But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.


----------



## okeydokie

Runawaytrain said:


> Hahahaha!!! :smthumbup:
> 
> I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't.
> 
> I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm :scratchhead:
> 
> He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
> 
> But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.


there are hundreds of posts from other women on here that would find your husbands actions repulsive. y'all are so confusing


----------



## BigBadWolf

Runawaytrain said:


> Hahahaha!!! :smthumbup:
> 
> I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't.
> 
> I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm :scratchhead:


Exactly! 



> He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times.


Inappropriate, that is a word often I hear from my wife concerning some behavior of mine. And you and I know, but perhaps many reading this do not, that usually when I am "inappropriate" I am doing somethign in which I will soon be rewarded. 



> But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.


If there is trust then this is not the problem. I know that as a beautiful woman my wife gets much attention (especially if she is out together with my teen daughter, as so much at first they can be confused as blonde/ blue eyed sisters), and would EASILY have another man of her choice if she choosed. 

So it keeps me on my game very much as well, to know in my attitude I project that she should thank her stars that I am desiring her above other women, and I let her know every now and then she needs to "keep in line". 

To see her reaction to such comments and attitude is priceless, but know it is lighting her fire, letting her know she is very much a woman and her feminine charms are exciting and desirable. 

And yes, my attitude is just as attractive to other women as well, so I am in no way going to deliberately open the door for some temptation to creep in, knowing the end results are disaster waiting to happen!


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## BigBadWolf

okeydokie said:


> there are hundreds of posts from other women on here that would find your husbands actions repulsive. y'all are so confusing


In relationships between a man and a woman, actions are speaking louder than words. 

Remember this concerning these matters, and the cloudiness of confusion will settle, leading to clarity.


----------



## MEM2020

BBW,
I really love your posts. They make me laugh because:
1. They are true - really right on the money 
2. If I had not experienced all this stuff just as you have, I would not fully understand it, and I might not believe it

Perhaps the best thing about reading your posts is that it makes me realize where "talking" fits and where "actions" fit. 

Talking is for understanding, and bonding and being fun and funny and kind. It helps you be friends which is nice. It can also create some level of romance and passion when done well. 

Acting is for creating LUST and for dealing with a W who is behaving badly/pushing boundaries. Acting could be intense body language. It could be radiating calm and happy indifference. It could be cutting WAY back on the time spent together for a while or pinning her down on the bed and asking her 
"Do you really want a spanking? Because I am here for you and as you know, I am a "giver" by nature, if you do that again I will take that as a YES and will spank you. All said with a smile. And not a very nice smile." 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am here as the result of thousands of generations of successful mating. My fathers before me were not sadistic by nature, but when needed they were extremely determined and utterly ruthless. Why would I break a model that has worked so well for so long?




BigBadWolf said:


> Exactly!
> 
> 
> 
> Inappropriate, that is a word often I hear from my wife concerning some behavior of mine. And you and I know, but perhaps many reading this do not, that usually when I am "inappropriate" I am doing somethign in which I will soon be rewarded.
> 
> 
> 
> If there is trust then this is not the problem. I know that as a beautiful woman my wife gets much attention (especially if she is out together with my teen daughter, as so much at first they can be confused as blonde/ blue eyed sisters), and would EASILY have another man of her choice if she choosed.
> 
> So it keeps me on my game very much as well, to know in my attitude I project that she should thank her stars that I am desiring her above other women, and I let her know every now and then she needs to "keep in line".
> 
> To see her reaction to such comments and attitude is priceless, but know it is lighting her fire, letting her know she is very much a woman and her feminine charms are exciting and desirable.
> 
> And yes, my attitude is just as attractive to other women as well, so I am in no way going to deliberately open the door for some temptation to creep in, knowing the end results are disaster waiting to happen!


----------



## BigBadWolf

MEM11363 said:


> BBW,
> I really love your posts. They make me laugh because:
> 1. They are true - really right on the money
> 2. If I had not experienced all this stuff just as you have, I would not fully understand it, and I might not believe it


It is good to hear your thoughts. 

On this forum you know I have said from the beginning I thought it would be good to lend a voice about some of these things that I have experienced. When I first come here I notice some of the fundamental pieces missing in areas of the male and female dynamics, and yes I am not unwilling to evoke hyperbole and imagery and especially humor and sometimes perhaps over the top in the effort to share these ideas to those who may benefit. 

I am happy to hear my humor is not unnoticed because, you seem to understand, in order to stand out from the noise that often dances around the issue without direct action, or to say the hard facts that are hard to hear, it is best to receive in the spirit of humor from someone, yes, that has often been just in this places, and that I hope to make the often bitter pills easier to swallow.

For as much as I speak to sexual attraction, and the dominant man, and have in some ways had the benefit of even from a young age to see the cause and effect of these behaviors as young man very much interested in the opposite sex.

But even most importantly I hope it is known I am just as many of the other good men on these boards, that I did reap the bitter harvest of trying to be the "nice guy" for several seasons, absolutely because in some element of my upbringing did that error creep in to my thinking. 

The important thing is, I was raised to be a student of cause and effect, even to be skeptical in my nature, combined together over time and experience showed me that not always, in fact rarely, did the walk match the talk.

And never so much in what as a man I was being told to be in this cruel fantasy to put a blanket on my masculine nature, and put on the face of some nice sensitive guy, versus what the reactions of women were speaking the reality, that dominance and masculinity were not only noticed but highly valued and rewarded.

So much for the nice guy from then on, to instead be determined to be honest with myself to the world.

And from this journey did I see that not only were there indeed structures and interconnections that not only worked, they could be implemented with predictable outcomes and even this in witnessing and helping across the spectrum of human relationships that I have lent a hand in helping. 

From failing marriages, the man who cannot get a date, to even seeing these dynamics in the women caught up in prostitution, and the women recovering from sexual abuse. Differnt scenarios but the causes and effects often eerily similar, what do we as men and women respond to and why?

So even in my own marriage, which perhaps would be most interesting for me to go into detail on, and in fact have shared small glimpses now and then. But understand, as my wife has often expressed, that it is very much our personal and sacred journey, so even with that I am reserved to how much or how little I am comfortable to share even anonymously over the internet. 

I hope it is understood this is in respect to our relationship, and not hiding or wanting to be aloof that many details I simply will not expand on in much greater detail.

Even so MEM11363 like you said, much may not be believable or even easy to hear by good men and women who are not in the places of their lives to compare and contrast.

But to say just this, the fantasies of good men and women, even the greatest and even the darkest fantasies, are ready to be lived out in the reality, there for the taking when we have the courage and honesty to express and pursue what we want with those we love and adore. This is the truth.






> Perhaps the best thing about reading your posts is that it makes me realize where "talking" fits and where "actions" fit.
> 
> Talking is for understanding, and bonding and being fun and funny and kind. It helps you be friends which is nice. It can also create some level of romance and passion when done well.
> 
> Acting is for creating LUST and for dealing with a W who is behaving badly/pushing boundaries. Acting could be intense body language. It could be radiating calm and happy indifference. It could be cutting WAY back on the time spent together for a while or pinning her down on the bed and asking her
> "Do you really want a spanking? Because I am here for you and as you know, I am a "giver" by nature, if you do that again I will take that as a YES and will spank you. All said with a smile. And not a very nice smile."
> 
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> I am here as the result of thousands of generations of successful mating. My fathers before me were not sadistic by nature, but when needed they were extremely determined and utterly ruthless. Why would I break a model that has worked so well for so long?


Exactly correct about the talking versus the actions.

In so much of our modern culture we are relying on words, on talking, on writing. This is a good and efficient way to convey certain ideas of course.

But we often miss this important fact, that most of our communication, especially our intimate communications, we do without speaking at all. 

Even for the thousands of generations of humans that lived and loved before writing or reading or the alphabets, these ancestors of us communicated with each other and especially they communicated sexually. And this was even a language unto itself, a language of sexuality and it was a language that held in its core our very survival and perpetuation of us as a species. 

So this language, what today is essentially what we would call our sexual natures, instead of the honor and reverance that this language deserves, instead how do we as a society treat this language? 

Today instead see how quickly or flippant will modern society dismiss as politically incorrect some nature of masculine, or nature of feminine, saying that is sexist or insulting or showing weakness if some nature is associated with masculine or feminine is admitted.

And to say that sex is "dirty", or something is "taboo", or in a million other ways spread just another version of the same wicked lie. 

This is a recipe for unhappiness. And this is not just mere unhappiness, it is absolute misery leading to depression and will make a person wishing for the day of our death! 

For there is nothing worse than to wake up each morning to have to be ashamed or to put a mask on who we are, whether a good man or woman, who we are as a person, and to go on day after day, week after week, even until months and years pretending some truth and feigning some satisfaction, like the hamster on the wheel. 

When the reality is we are sad and depressed and seeking escape in television and pornography and medication and affairs and any of these other releases from, really, the misery of living a lie we are trying to tell ourselves.

So again I am appreciating your thoughts, and even so this thread that continues to attract attention I welcome other thoughts even both complimentary and critical, and I still encourage those that are comfortable sending me PMs to continue to do so, and I will reply as time permits (as so much sometimes it is a full time job but that's okay!)

For this forum is a wonderful thing, to share in the anonymous nature of the internet these glimpses and bits of ourselves that perhaps we can all discover even in some not obvious ways we all are more alike than different, and that in life happiness is the goal, happiness in our most intimate relationships and commitments we call marriage can be the reality, and in sharing together we discover the wonderful and even startling ways to finding that reality.


----------



## gfl

This has been the most entertaining read in long time ...i have been dying at my desk the whole time ...I may try some of this although as one poster said she will probably kill me... lol great stuff thanks


----------



## BigBadWolf

It would be good to hear how it goes when you try these things.

Remember, the attitude is what counts, lay the foundation that there is no question, in your behavior and attitude, no question in your woman's mind what you are desiring.

When the good man has these things in place, that he makes his woman feel desirable and sexual above all other women, simply this, that his actions and behavior are consistent with this one atittude, that he as the good man knows what he wants and is the man to pursue what he wants: that he can have any woman in the world, and that woman is his woman!

Display this attitude in action and behavior, and I am a believer that your woman will not want to kill you, but instead will make you a very happy man.

I wish you well. 



gfl said:


> This has been the most entertaining read in long time ...i have been dying at my desk the whole time ...I may try some of this although as one poster said she will probably kill me... lol great stuff thanks


----------



## MEM2020

I agree. This mindset of "she will kill me" is self defeating. Showing fear of your W simply because she is angry you are being assertive is a huge turn OFF for her. As is sulking. 

Being "happy/assertive" is a huge attractor. As for fear - it is ok to FEEL fear, you simply need to learn to conceal it. 

But guys - you have to realize - the stuff BBW and I do works in part because we ARE happy, and first and foremost in control of OURSELVES. 95% of the time my W gets the upbeat, friendly, helpful (BUT NEVER SUBMISSIVE) vibe from me. It is the other 5% that contains at least half of the sexual magic in our marriage. That 5% is fearless, and stern and determined - it might include some sharp edged humor intended to get her to see herself more clearly but it is ALL dominant. But not yelling, screaming using bad language dominant. That is toxic and is what a little boy does when thwarted. It is controlled and focused. If you cannot control your temper, your words, your fear reflex and your body language you cannot possibly expect your W to look at you with lust over time. 





BigBadWolf said:


> It would be good to hear how it goes when you try these things.
> 
> Remember, the attitude is what counts, lay the foundation that there is no question, in your behavior and attitude, no question in your woman's mind what you are desiring.
> 
> When the good man has these things in place, that he makes his woman feel desirable and sexual above all other women, simply this, that his actions and behavior are consistent with this one atittude, that he as the good man knows what he wants and is the man to pursue what he wants: that he can have any woman in the world, and that woman is his woman!
> 
> Display this attitude in action and behavior, and I am a believer that your woman will not want to kill you, but instead will make you a very happy man.
> 
> I wish you well.


----------



## gfl

AGAIN GREAT STUFF !!!I started a little last night and seems to be working I think its great the way you guys break it down and keep the "Respect" for the W in perspective ....not to be abusive at all but keep it in the natural order of things ...thanks again and will keep you updated ....


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## LFC

With regards to spanking.
If you spank your wife due to her behaviour,if she enjoys spanking are'nt you in fact rewarding her for bad behaviour


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## MEM2020

I "threaten" to spank my W when she is boundary testing. If she persists - that means she wants to be spanked. I am not rewarding bad behavior. I am simply allowing her a means to initiate a dominance scenario that is more interesting, fun and playful than her simply saying: "please come here and spank me"

Besides the reason she boundary tests is partly to see what I am made of - what I will do. Asking to be spanked is no sort of male fitness test. It is a boring mechanical interaction. But being naughty and then seeing what happens - whole different story. Because I have lots of possible reactions to naughty behavior. 






LFC said:


> With regards to spanking.
> If you spank your wife due to her behaviour,if she enjoys spanking are'nt you in fact rewarding her for bad behaviour


----------



## BigBadWolf

I wrote this last week and have gotten good feedback, both in response and private message, so I will include it here since it may be beneficial.

To a woman not feeling that same attraction to her man anymore...




Married going on 21 years myself.

The irritation you are feeling, that is interfereing with the attraction, doing the things you are mentioning you "would" be doing if you loved him.

Understand this, all romance and love talk aside, I will speak bluntly.

The irritation is caused by resentment.

Resentment, it fills the very place that would be the exciting desire you felt for your man.

And over 21 years of you two together, now is resentment build up. 

Sometimes a big thing, such as an affair, or just as likely, the million little things over the years has in creeped resentment like a thief in the night.

And it is just this, so many things over the course of a relationship, the things we do to swallow our pride, or to avoid a fight, or hold back our feelings to spare our partner's feelings.

So we put our partner before us, and eventually, we find over years we have built in ourselves and our behaviors, and all these we eventually built in the relationship, these behaviors that simply just putting ourselves last.

And when we put ourselves last, and we do not perceive it is appreciated or even noticed, well, then you have this.

So the solution, pay attention to the things in your relationship that make you feel like you are swalling your pride, or that irritate you, or that you simply are doing, or are not doing, not because it is what YOU want, but because you think it is some sacrifice you are making for HIS happiness.

These things, you are needing to stop doing what does not make you happy, and start doing more that makes you happy.

And to do this right, you need to communicate with your husband these things, not being upset, but being calm and direct.

And to do this really right, will be to allow your husband to communicate to you, know doubt, the many things your husband as well does or does not do, for these same reasons, putting you above his happiness, and that in himself is creating resentment as well.

To work on eliminating the resentment between you two, this is the way to find again the sexual attraction you are missing.

As it was when you were first together, is is the same when any man and woman are first meeting, the sexual attraction thrives because we are intimate and open, and there is not yet the resentment clouding this openess, resentment that comes from these less than honest "sacrifices" that we all tend to think is what will make someone else happy.

Sadly, the opposite is true.

Instead, to make ourselves happy and having the courage to be honest with our partners is the TRUE way to build a relationship minimizing resentment and keeping sexual attraction, even after 21 years!

I wish you well.


----------



## BigBadWolf

Also getting feedback from this I wrote, so I will post it here as well.

To a man not understanding where sex has gone in his relationship...



I will beat this drum as often as it needs to be beaten but if at ANY time a woman sex drive is not equal to her mans sex drive or exceeding it, then something is missing in the relationship.

Whatever is missing in the relationship, this piece of the puzzle, this is what this piece of the puzzle is not going to be:

It is never going to be complaining about sex, negotiating for sex, bartering for sex, doing housework for sex, being a nice guy for sex, giving flowers for sex, "being a changed man" for sex.

None of these things are going to work, so whether these things are important to you, they should not be important to you thinking it will lead to sex.

Let me ask, was it about any of these things when you and your woman first met and sex was on fire and incredible?

You don't need to answer because I already know. Of course it wasn't!

To make this simple, to (name deleted) and any other good man reading this that wonders what "the secret is to a woman" or any such thing, it is just this:


*A woman is only going to be a sexual to her man as he is making her feel.*


Do not make this any more complicated than it needs to be.


The solution, simple.

Stop doing things to make your woman feel like she is not sexually attractive.

Start doing things to make your woman feel like she is sexually attractive.


So what is hard about this? What is hard is that most men I am learning do not notice what makes a woman feel sexually attractive.


These things do not make a woman feel attractive:

Being bribed for sex.

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to stand up for himself.

Being desired by a man she doesn't respect (see above).

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to fight for her.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to himself.



And these things a woman finds irrestibly attractive:

Being desired by a man that not only knows what he wants, he is willing to pursue what he wants.

Being desired by a man that not only will stand up for himself, but seems to enjoy doing so.

Being desired by a man that commands respect.

Being desired by a man that has demonstrated he willing fight for her (even if the one he is fighting IS her).

Being desired by a man that desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is confident and bold and comfortable with himself.



So in all this, if you are a good man not satisfied with the sex life, stop being on the first list, and start being on the second list!

I wish you well.


----------



## BigBadWolf

This post got a lot of feedback as well, as I speak to the background in my own relationship with my wife, the woman I adore.


In response to a question on whether is it personality or sparks or sexual attraction...




My opinion, sometimes it is easy to not see the forrest for the trees in this type of discussion. As to what makes one relationship work, and another fail, and to start on personality types and applied psychology, I cannot get on that boat because I simply don't subscribe to it in this scenario.

Why? Because to me it is like trying to fix a flat tire by musing quantum physics.

I could list a hundred ways my wife is very different from me, and a hundred ways my wife is just like me. And I guess that would be interesting to some, maybe not.

In many aspects of our relationship, I have been happy to allow my wife to make decisions, pursue her happiness, engage in hobbies and even to pursue her career as she has ever wanted. In all that, we have discovered together that her greatest desire is to be a SAHM and devote herself to management of the household, including the management of our finances. 

This also would include trip and vacation planning, and coordination of activities involving our children and that even includes starting several groups and organizations based around my children's interests and activities.

While myself, I am more singlarly focused and tenacioius to whatefver particular goal I would have in mind. So in my career, with her taken care of business at home and the children, I have been able to focus and put myself in the position of a career (not meaning to give too much personal information) in a fortune 500 company that I enjoy, gives me a very flexible schedule, and allows us the income for her to have spent virtually all of our children's years growing up with their mother at home.

So while my wife is extremely detail oriented, and good at multitasking, I am much more comfortable and creative in regards to establishing, let's say, a particular vision or desired result, and laying a plan to accomplishing the tasks or eliminating the obstacles in order to reach that result.

Not that I am sure this is helpful, but maybe to answer your quetsions, yes in most ways looking at this my wife and I "fit" together most wonderfuly.

But know also in these things, even as I have said in other threads, even with this rose colored scenario that my wife and I "fit", there was still the same lack of sex after the kids were born leading to the spiral of resentment that I faced like so so so many other men.

When things turned around, and this is just this simple and basic and maybe even to make so many behavior psychologist groan, is when I focused on why the sex was becoming less and less frequent.


Quote:
Maybe it isn't all about sex and adhering to more traditional and natural gender roles in the marriage and bedroom. Maybe its just as much finding the right "personality" type for you, in addition to finding someone with the emotional intelligence to recognize the benefits of marriage. 


(question as to whether it is not sexual attraction but personality types that matter)



And this is just where I will say I disagree 100 percent.

As compatible as my wife and myself were, and as much as she is sexy and attractive and I am not shabby myself and a good provider and loving father, there was not much sex and to be very honest I was not a happy man.

Nor it seems, was my wife a happy woman.

Only now to speak of these things in hindsight, to me it was so easy and obvious.

But in the time of happening, a great mystery and what seems was just a sad fact of life, or of just getting old, or any such things as would be talking about on this forum as falling out of love.

So as I spoke earlier, did I focus on the lack of sex, and so I started to study what I was like before, as a young man with sex plentiful.

And also did I study even to the minute details, how did I feel when I saw my wife, or hear her coming into the room. 

Did I feel as I did when we were young and discovering each other?

No, often I either felt not much, or worse, felt dread, as if to wonder what she would need, or be complaining about, or to start talking about something to interupt my reading or something.

So this is easy to see now, I had a mountain of resentment to her, shadowing every second that we were togother, so big and so everpresent. So I understand now how insidious resentment is in relationships, how it creeps in little by little but unless addressed it will never go away.

And so I focused on the resentment, and to put that in perspective simply meant that no longer would I hold back my feelings, regardless to keep the peace or make my wife angry or mad or sad or want to leave or anything. 

So when my resolve to kill the resentment was finally greater than my resolve to appease my wife, that is when things changed for our relationship, very quickly, very dramatic as almost a hurricane upheaving the ocean over the seashore!

In all these things, such as I typed earlier, when I finally stopped appeasement to my wife in all areas, and instead layed out my desires and requirments and standing up for myself in all areas, I will say this again, my wife's reaction blew me away.

She was if seeing me again for the first time, as the look I remember when we were dating. Instead of her getting angry, she was apologizing, and the million little things, starting to offer me cold drinks when I was working in the yard, or hot coffee in the morning before I left for work. See these things I did not even mention, or ask for, yet so many things I noticed, did not the most important thing occur, and that our sex life went from not so much to through the roof. And I mean in the forms of her begging me to let her do this or that for me, and even in those times I wanted to maybe give her a break, no no no, did she make sure that if I did not pursue her that she would make sure she was pursued one way or the other.

It was as if she was a new woman, unleashed very much with fury and lust. 

And so this is simply this, nothing more or less, she was doing this from her own desire to submit to my dominance that I was finally not witholding from showing her, and had been witholding for years and years.

And know this next part is hard to put into words, maybe it is helpful or not.

But during all this, and in my focusing on the effects of dominance and sexuallity, and maybe in my excitement to share with my wife, as she is very much my favorite person and best friend, would I be very enthusiastic to discuss with her the female reaction to dominance, to put these behaviors into words and maybe discuss with her on the intellectual and academic and logical pieces of all this incredible change to our relationship.

She would have none of it. I mean she would just show no interest and made it clear that, well, whatever was going on needed to be kept at least as a mystery to her. And this is a woman that at a drop of the hat will enjoy discussing einstein or hawking or sagan!

And a few times I have tried to explore her logical and intellectual opinion on how our sex life was so spontaneous and alive as if a switch was thrown, or maybe more telling, how by her own hinting and reactions, that our physical encounters would get often very aggressive and dark and hinting of violence and then the spankings and even other dark dark dark things that I would not mention in words, and again and again, her reactoin was at the very worst merely confusion, but mostly blissfully ecstatic, that the more aggresive and dominant I got, then the more her orgasms would come freely and frequent and even her fantasies and desires would she be able to show me.

Yet to speak of these things in words to her in logic, not effective.

Yet to say something aggresive, or give a strong look, would she then be sure to express her submission, or to take my hand and place it between her thighs to show me the reaction of these mere actions on my part were producing a very strong and physical reaction to her womanly places.

So what is her message, and yes, her leadership communicating to me? What I always say on this board, in matters of sexual attraction actions and behavior are what matter, actions speak louder than words.

And this, I am only typing all this to make this point, to me this reaction is nothing short of a miracle. And there is nothing on this world that to me would be a motivating to make our relationsihp last and last, for me to anything for my wife, than to honor her and please her and give my life for her, for these things that she has given me, which is her submission and her body and her adoration. 

Sexual fullfillment IS the motivation and bliss for long term relationsihps. 

And this is not caused by being good friends, or liking the same hobbies, or being a personallity type match, it is caused by something much older and deeper and primal than all this. 

For when a man is a man to his woman, and his woman is a woman to him, this is the structure of sexual attraction.

And sexual attraction to each the good man and the woman is the motivation and unleashing to spur each other to be both creative for each other and protective of each other. 

Nothing else is as the powerful motivator than sexual attraction, for we are sexual beings as our greatest common denominator.

I hope this is beneficial.


----------



## greenpearl

Thank you for your post, bigbadwolf. I agree with what you said. My husband is similar to you. He was chuckling when I read him your post, especially the marriage license part. We have been together for seven years. We enjoy great sex. Sex is important for men, also for women. We have a great relationship. A man should be considerate to his wife and vice versa. A woman should be respectful to her husband and the husband should be the same. A woman shouldn't sit there and complain about her life all the time, that just makes her a whining xxxxx. If she doesn't complain and feel sorry for herself, she'll make herself a much more pleasant woman for her man to be around. A woman should be supportive of her man's healthy hobbies, spending money on his hobbies is much better than him spending money on other women. There is so much to say about running a successful marriage. One day I will post from a woman's point of view.


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## BigBadWolf

Greenpearl,

Thank you for your thoughts.

And I am hoping you feel free to share anytime your point of view.  



greenpearl said:


> Thank you for your post, bigbadwolf. I agree with what you said. My husband is similar to you. He was chuckling when I read him your post, especially the marriage license part. We have been together for seven years. We enjoy great sex. Sex is important for men, also for women. We have a great relationship. A man should be considerate to his wife and vice versa. A woman should be respectful to her husband and the husband should be the same. A woman shouldn't sit there and complain about her life all the time, that just makes her a whining xxxxx. If she doesn't complain and feel sorry for herself, she'll make herself a much more pleasant woman for her man to be around. A woman should be supportive of her man's healthy hobbies, spending money on his hobbies is much better than him spending money on other women. There is so much to say about running a successful marriage. One day I will post from a woman's point of view.


----------



## cherrypie18

BigBadWolf said:


> I wrote this in response to another question about what I wished I had known from the beginning of marriage, but it may generate interest here also...
> 
> I've been married for over 20 years, with 3 kids. I would describe myself as extremely happy. Here's some of the things I wished I'd known from the very beginning:
> 
> 1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.
> 
> 2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.
> 
> 3. Many women like to be spanked. I'm serious, and I wish this was stated on every marriage license issued. As a man this goes against so much of what I thought I knew about how to treat a woman, but it's a darn good way to make number 2 a powerful and fun part of marriage and sex. Near as I can figure, it's like women have, at their core, the opposite of a man's ego, something inside them that tells them they are "bad", or "ugly", or "worthless." My wife tells me she loves being spanked, especially if she is acting "overwhelmed" or overly "emotional", and afterwards she feels both emotionally refreshed and intensely sexually charged, and I get the benefits of both. I swear I'm not making this up.
> 
> 4. One of the best things a man can do is take charge of the relationship sexually. In my marriage, we have a "100 percent policy", which simply states I get what I want when I want it. What does this do? It makes me RESPONSIBLE to make sure the emotional connection between my wife and I is ALWAYS strong (see number 1), it allows our entire existence to be "foreplay", as both my wife and myself seem to be always somewhat "turned on" by each other. She is sexually charged by the "dominance" that I have, and I am emotionally connected to her every glance, word, or movement. There is no downward spiral of "rejection" that comes from a wimpy man having to beg an insecure wife to please consider intercourse. Our sex is passionate, primal, exploratory, and spontaneous (did I mention we've been married over 20 years?). I don't waste my time watching sports, having affairs, *or wishing I was dead,* while my wife nags and complains that I never pay attention to her. My days with my wife are spent flirting with her, our shopping trips usually involve me picking out something nice for her to wear, and at my career I can be absolutely confident and focused, and I can say without reservation I absolutely love an adore my wife 24/7.
> 
> Good luck.


LOL I'm sorry it's not supposed to be funny because some people are really depressed but those few words made me laugh out loud! 

I love your post. Wish a lot more men were like you. You should be a coach to immature wimpy boys and help them get their man balls back lol 

Do you maybe have a son who's around 20


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## cherrypie18

I won't be quoting every one of your posts in this thread, but I'll say that I agree with every single one of them! If only my husband was like that...


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## BigBadWolf

cherrypie18 said:


> LOL I'm sorry it's not supposed to be funny because some people are really depressed but those few words made me laugh out loud!


It is good to hear that you laughed. 

I do try to sneak some sly humor in my posts here and there, as they say, sometimes a little sugar makes the bitter pills easy to swallow.  



> I love your post. Wish a lot more men were like you. You should be a coach to immature wimpy boys and help them get their man balls back lol
> 
> Do you maybe have a son who's around 20


So how did you guess this? Do I know you? :scratchhead:

Now maybe I should be a little worried.


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## BigBadWolf

cherrypie18 said:


> I won't be quoting every one of your posts in this thread, but I'll say that I agree with every single one of them! If only my husband was like that...


Thank you for sharing this.

As much as I am hoping to be helpful from a man's point of view, to hear words such as yours from the woman's perspective, to so many good men on this board this is very valuable to hear and see.

So your thoughts are very appreciated and welcome, and please feel free anytime to share on this thread your ideas or opinions anytime.

I wish you well.


----------



## the guy

boy i screwed up, as a young man at 26 I married my submissive wife of 21, had very dominant sex and everything else went out the window. now 20yrs later I have found that I was submissive in the relationship. I let her do what she wanted for 19 yrs of marriage and dismissed her behavior. I dissmissed her and dismissed my duties as a husband. All we had was sex that was the glue; now i see that is when I was most dominant. know i get it (thanks)

When i confronted cheating wife I was very dominant in my discusion (no anger,begging,cring) just pure emotional dominant control with how I spoke. when she broke down during the confrontation and she thanked me for stepping up and actualy giving a dam, I spanked her. But this time around, it wasn't sexual it was........ I quess real punishment for her bad behavior, weird I finally said no.
make no mistake I was a bad husband; made up for it by letting her buy, screw, and do whom and what she wanted. my bad

Its been almost 7 months since I MADE THE DICISION TO CHANGE OUR MARRIAGE, she has been very receptive and loves the intimacy and attention she is finally getting. And by the way "no she cant go out for a girls night out" but WE can go out with some friends.


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## BigBadWolf

The guy,

THank you for sharing this.

And especially you sharing the dominance in action, emotionally, that is exactly pure gold. It is most beneficial to hear what happens in these scenarios.

And this, it is good also to see when BOTH the man and woman acknowledge the neglect or issues that lead to an affair, as hard as it is, but is necessary to kill resentment otherwise will fester and seeth and never go away.

It is never one or the other, regarding cheating. The cheater, of course has taken the destructive action and this needs to be understood and confronted, but regardless there are committments and neglect on both sides in these situations, and to ignore one or the other is only doing half the job, as it is not proper healing for one spouse or the other spouse to take all the blame, and yes I have seen several times the cheated on spouse wanting to take all the blame. 

It always needs to be acknowledge the level on both sides, the responsibility and necessary changes, to kill the resentment and allow sexual and emotoinal intimacy to again flourish.

And I hear you regarding the girls night out. I understand each relationship must find it's own balance in such issues, and for some a girls night out may mean something different than what to me is obvious, perhaps.

BUt for my wife as well, I would absolutely challenge any desire for her to run around town as part of a group of women going to clubs and such things. For some activities more than others, are typically for this one thing, to attract and receive attention. 

To me it is only this, to ponder over how much fire is safe to play with! 

Again thank you for sharing, and please feel free to continue add to this thread as so much contributions are very helpful, especially prized and valued from those who are walking through the fire themselves, and coming out the other side. How valuable indeed are these testimonies in this day and age of the internet!

And as well it is best to hear from many different sources, as any monologue is never too terribly interesting for anyone. 




the guy said:


> boy i screwed up, as a young man at 26 I married my submissive wife of 21, had very dominant sex and everything else went out the window. now 20yrs later I have found that I was submissive in the relationship. I let her do what she wanted for 19 yrs of marriage and dismissed her behavior. I dissmissed her and dismissed my duties as a husband. All we had was sex that was the glue; now i see that is when I was most dominant. know i get it (thanks)
> 
> When i confronted cheating wife I was very dominant in my discusion (no anger,begging,cring) just pure emotional dominant control with how I spoke. when she broke down during the confrontation and she thanked me for stepping up and actualy giving a dam, I spanked her. But this time around, it wasn't sexual it was........ I quess real punishment for her bad behavior, weird I finally said no.
> make no mistake I was a bad husband; made up for it by letting her buy, screw, and do whom and what she wanted. my bad
> 
> Its been almost 7 months since I MADE THE DICISION TO CHANGE OUR MARRIAGE, she has been very receptive and loves the intimacy and attention she is finally getting. And by the way "no she cant go out for a girls night out" but WE can go out with some friends.


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## greenpearl

If there is trust then this is not the problem. I know that as a beautiful woman my wife gets much attention (especially if she is out together with my teen daughter, as so much at first they can be confused as blonde/ blue eyed sisters), and would EASILY have another man of her choice if she choosed.

So it keeps me on my game very much as well, to know in my attitude I project that she should thank her stars that I am desiring her above other women, and I let her know every now and then she needs to "keep in line".

To see her reaction to such comments and attitude is priceless, but know it is lighting her fire, letting her know she is very much a woman and her feminine charms are exciting and desirable.

And yes, my attitude is just as attractive to other women as well, so I am in no way going to deliberately open the door for some temptation to creep in, knowing the end results are disaster waiting to happen!
BigBadWolf is online now Report Post 
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Stumble this Post!Reddit!

How come I feel this is talking about me. With all the love I get from my husband, I still look like a university student. All the compliments from my husband make me feel I am the greatest woman he has ever known and he only desires me. Tell you the truth, right now If I want a man, I just need to snap my finger, a lot of men(younger or older) will want to be with me. Ha ha ha.......I won't do anything silly to ruin my happiness. 

BTW, I like being spanked all the time. It feels so great that my husband likes to play with me. I like to grab his bum too. A lot of fun............................


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## greenpearl

And this, it is good also to see when BOTH the man and woman acknowledge the neglect or issues that lead to an affair, as hard as it is, but is necessary to kill resentment otherwise will fester and seeth and never go away.

It is never one or the other, regarding cheating. The cheater, of course has taken the destructive action and this needs to be understood and confronted, but regardless there are committments and neglect on both sides in these situations, and to ignore one or the other is only doing half the job, as it is not proper healing for one spouse or the other spouse to take all the blame, and yes I have seen several times the cheated on spouse wanting to take all the blame.

It always needs to be acknowledge the level on both sides, the responsibility and necessary changes, to kill the resentment and allow sexual and emotoinal intimacy to again flourish.

For a woman, if she is extremely unhappy in the marriage, she'll seek comforts somewhere else. So I think it should be the same for men. But I do think that a man tends to cheat just because he is bored with one woman. 
Right now I am so happy with my husband, no matter how many handsome and rich men out there waving hands at me. I don't even want to have a second glance at them. 
How can you make your woman so attached to you? I think there needs a lot of work!!! Not just money and the certificate. Please don't take her for granted. Please don't think that certificate gives you all the right to own her. Only your love, your affectionate love, can make her return you with the love you want.


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## greenpearl

Humor is important in our life. We overlook this. Living with a humorous husband is so much fun. I get to laugh all the time. I feel that life doesn't need to be serious. I used to be a serious woman. After living with my husband for seven years, I become a very funny woman. Now I go to blogs and look for jokes myself and tell my husband. I have a big smile all the time. I do hope that all of us can be funny and joke around with each other. Although I get lost all the time since I am not that sharp. For English, I get lost all the time because I don't know the background and I have never lived abroad.


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## greenpearl

In China, we have this saying: prevention is better than cure. 
Big Bad Wolf, thank you for all the effort you put into this thread. 
When I see posts about problems, I don't know how to help them. First, I am not a doctor. Second, when people are sick, it is not that easy to cure. We don't have magic power. So giving people good advice trying to help them think is a better way, at least I think like this. Wish they will think and make some changes in their lives. I strongly believe in PREVENTION IS BETTER CURE. That's why I do a lot of reading and try to perfect my personality. For health, for marriage, for life, it is all the same.


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## Sara Ann

I've just gone through this thread, and the spanking idea really appeals to me. I have looked at bondage and SM photos, and they do nothing for me. But the spanking, a little biting, wrestling, yes, I must try it!! Whenever I ask him to bite my neck, he won't. When I ask him to pinch hard on my nipples he won't. He is too afraid to hurt me. But I am not fragile. Any hints?


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## greenpearl

Sara Ann said:


> I've just gone through this thread, and the spanking idea really appeals to me. I have looked at bondage and SM photos, and they do nothing for me. But the spanking, a little biting, wrestling, yes, I must try it!! Whenever I ask him to bite my neck, he won't. When I ask him to pinch hard on my nipples he won't. He is too afraid to hurt me. But I am not fragile. Any hints?


You guys are just not used to playing. Whenever I see young animals play together, many kinds of animals, as well as young children. I have a big happy smile on my face. That's what I want to achieve with my husband. I want my husband and I are able to play like them our whole life. When he spanks, it is just playful spank, the feeling is so sweet. He bit my neck a few times, left a mark on my neck, I have to go to work with high collar, but the feeling is so sweet. He grabs me, it is very firm but gentle. I think personality plays a lot here. My husband is A MAN, but not a rough man, he has a very gentle personality. Your husband won't hurt you, he just needs to be gentle, let him read our posts, . Or you can spank him or bite him or grab him first. Will he be OK for that? I think all men like playful sex. Am I right? Anyway, they like sex! Give them sex, it is like giving them life!!! Ha ha ha, interesting men!!!


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## BigBadWolf

Sara Ann said:


> I've just gone through this thread, and the spanking idea really appeals to me. I have looked at bondage and SM photos, and they do nothing for me. But the spanking, a little biting, wrestling, yes, I must try it!!


Next time you are sassy, suggest playfully but matter of factly what you are desiring him to do to spank you for being a bad girl. 

Then assume the position and reward your man completely for stepping up. 




> Whenever I ask him to bite my neck, he won't. When I ask him to pinch hard on my nipples he won't. He is too afraid to hurt me. But I am not fragile. Any hints?


I swear if I knew your man in real life I would be tempted to slap him beside the head for being so dense. 

Listen, all good men reading this, if your women is telling you so obviously and matter of fact what she is desiring, for the love of everything good in this beautiful universe LISTEN to her!!!!!!!!!

This is painful to even have to type out but for your own happiness and sanity I am telling all good men to PAY ATTENTION and listen and notice your woman's hints and clues and outright requests.

And then be bold enough to DO THESE THINGS!


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## RAYMOND

All women do not want to be spanked. That much is plain on here. My wife tried to like it but just doesn't. She much prefers to give which is okay with me. She is not dominant. I am. These things are not always as straight forward as made out to be.


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## L.M.COYL

Some of this sounds pathological to me.
But that's just me. Maybe.


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## needmorehelp

What if your husband is addicted to porn and you worry engaging in sexual activity will just feed the flame??


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## BigBadWolf

RAYMOND said:


> All women do not want to be spanked. That much is plain on here. My wife tried to like it but just doesn't. She much prefers to give which is okay with me. She is not dominant. I am. These things are not always as straight forward as made out to be.


Women will respond to masculine dominance. This part can not be simpler. 

How she responds, yes, depends on the man, depends on the situation. 

Spanking is an easy and fun and safe way to introduce dominance to a marriage that is perhaps lacking in this sexual component.

Particularly the sex starved marriage that we see so often on these forums, a man believes everything he has been fed all his life to supress or hide any display of his masculinity or his dominance thinking they are outdated or making him a controlling caveman or other nonsense.

If you say you are dominant, good for you. You then have ways, besides spanking, to have dominance manifest in your relationship, ideally resulting in sexual intimacy and happiness between you and your woman.


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## BigBadWolf

L.M.COYL said:


> Some of this sounds pathological to me.
> But that's just me. Maybe.


Which stuff is pathological? And is that even a bad thing?

Myself, I speak on these forums for what works, and against what doesn't work.

Whether myself, I am pathological, evil, or outright insane, is not really something that bothers me.

I enjoy the wildly intimate and incredible sexual relationship I have with my wife.

And I am 100 percent convinced that a few elemental actions, behaviors, and attitudes put into practice between a man and woman, they can have just as wildly intimate and sexual relations themselves.

Anyway, I never once have any claim to be normal.

Nor would I have a desire to be.


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## Syrum

BigBadWolf said:


> I wrote this in response to another question about what I wished I had known from the beginning of marriage, but it may generate interest here also...
> 
> I've been married for over 20 years, with 3 kids. I would describe myself as extremely happy. Here's some of the things I wished I'd known from the very beginning:
> 
> 1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.
> 
> 2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.
> 
> 3. Many women like to be spanked. I'm serious, and I wish this was stated on every marriage license issued. As a man this goes against so much of what I thought I knew about how to treat a woman, but it's a darn good way to make number 2 a powerful and fun part of marriage and sex. Near as I can figure, it's like women have, at their core, the opposite of a man's ego, something inside them that tells them they are "bad", or "ugly", or "worthless." My wife tells me she loves being spanked, especially if she is acting "overwhelmed" or overly "emotional", and afterwards she feels both emotionally refreshed and intensely sexually charged, and I get the benefits of both. I swear I'm not making this up.
> 
> 4. One of the best things a man can do is take charge of the relationship sexually. In my marriage, we have a "100 percent policy", which simply states I get what I want when I want it. What does this do? It makes me RESPONSIBLE to make sure the emotional connection between my wife and I is ALWAYS strong (see number 1), it allows our entire existence to be "foreplay", as both my wife and myself seem to be always somewhat "turned on" by each other. She is sexually charged by the "dominance" that I have, and I am emotionally connected to her every glance, word, or movement. There is no downward spiral of "rejection" that comes from a wimpy man having to beg an insecure wife to please consider intercourse. Our sex is passionate, primal, exploratory, and spontaneous (did I mention we've been married over 20 years?). I don't waste my time watching sports, having affairs, or wishing I was dead, while my wife nags and complains that I never pay attention to her. My days with my wife are spent flirting with her, our shopping trips usually involve me picking out something nice for her to wear, and at my career I can be absolutely confident and focused, and I can say without reservation I absolutely love an adore my wife 24/7.
> 
> Good luck.


This is perfect and how I'd like my marriage to be.

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first page.

I don't allways agree with everything you have to say, but I definitely feel that would make for a good marriage IMO.

For me though, I can't get enough I love you's, however he does have to mean them and not just pay lip service. But as your next post pointed out, it's good to do something to show her you love instead, or as well, as actions do speak very loudly.


----------



## BigBadWolf

needmorehelp said:


> What if your husband is addicted to porn and you worry engaging in sexual activity will just feed the flame??


My opinion, any addiction is a sign of weakness.

And weakness in a man, is simply THE HUGE TURNOFF to a woman.

His addiction happens to be porn.

If a man is in a sexless relationship, most assuredly he will find an outlet.

I do not know your situation, like the chicken or egg, whether the porn addiction came from lack of sex, or lack of sex coming from porn addictoin, but establishing respect, attraction, and emotional connection are the steps that need to happen.


----------



## heartsbeating

BBW - I loved reading this thread and it has me reflecting on what's been happening with us this year. I wanted to add that although I never lost respect for my H, my level of respect has certainly increased. In case this is of interest to anyone reading this...there's a few things in the way he's behaved, that has kept me wanting to do things for him, to help keep the feeling of love and attraction and essentially strengthen our relationship. I'm thankful we had a solid foundation already beneath us.

I guess to start, he fully owned his part in where our relationship was heading. He's never had male role models or many guys around him to turn to. This was very much a self-guided journey on who he was as a man and as a husband. He had the strength to do this and I know it took him a lot of inner strength. He told me he'd be working on these things for himself, now that he was aware of them, regardless of our relationship. For someone that was (in his own words) needy, I now appreciate this was HUGE on his part and not an easy thing to go through. This in itself was attractive to me. While he was beginning a deeper journey of self-reflection, no obvious changes were yet occurring for us. I made the conscious decision one morning to just be the best I could be in that moment. In turn he did the same and together we drudged through the mud to clearer waters. 

He's been speaking up and expressing more. We both have. This has been invaluable. He felt at one point the bubble of our relationship had burst but then recognized this was a more honest and stronger way to be together.

I backed off from initiating and discovered he likes to pursue me. I also realized how affected he was when I was the sole provider when he didn't have work. He'd always been the main provider and I encouraged him to chill for a while but he'd just get defensive or frustrated and I couldn't understand why. While I felt he was deserving of some time-out, I failed to recognize that he takes great pride in being able to provide for me/us. Another attractive quality. 

I've made changes in my behavior too. It takes both people to get on board. 

And now I'm thinking back to how romantic we both were. I'm thinking back to the early days. I'm seeing how I've let things slip slightly on my part and am bringing more effort back in. Like the old days but better, because now we (hopefully) have a deeper understanding of each other and our relationship, after going through all of this.


----------



## BigBadWolf

Heartsbreaking, thank you sharing this!


----------



## Thewife

I agree with most of the things said.......except for spanking. 

I have many girl friends and what I realize is women do like to be dominated (In good way) by the man although we still want equal rights in most of the matters. 

My husband is the dominating type in our family (although I have my rights) It makes me feel protected and I love it when he decides on certain matters.


----------



## loveisforever

psycheee said:


> Hi all,
> Before I forget I want to comment on the spanking thing: for me, I think it's great fun to be spanked by my husband however, I must feel an emotional connection to him or else it would be humiliating to me, an emotion I do not enjoy. There are a tremendous amount of quirky, kinky and crazy things that couples can (and should) do together in the bedroom (and every other place they can find) but love and respect must be present in my opinion for it to be a healthy, truly enjoyable experience.
> 
> That being said, so much of what has been posted in this thread rings true of my marriage. Though there are many issues, fundamentally, I believed my husband no longer loved me and he believed I no longer wanted him. See, like many women in order for me to make love I have to feel connected, and like many men, for my husband to want to connect with me he needed sex to feel loved and respected.
> 
> Neither one of us were wrong, we were actually both right, we were just not accurate. The truth was that he did love me but I didn't feel loved because the things I needed most from him to feel that he loved me were the things he withheld because he felt I didn't want him. Comparatively, he felt rejected by me but it was never my intention to reject him, I wanted him very much, I just felt hurt by his lack of affection.
> 
> Once we identified these truths and communicated lovingly and respectfully and forgave one another for the past hurts, we were able to reconnect and we renewed our commitment to our marriage and to one another. Subsequently we each identified what we needed most from the other to "feel" the love we had for one another. (I needed more affection and quality time with him and he needed more respect, appreciation and physical closeness from me).
> 
> As a psych major I have realized a couple things that have brought my husband and I much peace and relief; As humans we frequently think the other person means what we interpret it to be, or our perception of what they mean. Our perception can sometimes trick us into believing something that is really more about what we think and feel rather than the other person.
> 
> What can we do? Much!!! I invited my husband to start with me on a journey of getting reacquainted with ourselves individually, a journey of personal growth. Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". I would modify that by saying "the unexamined life is probably not one in which you will have a happy relationship; especially when your spouse is growing and you are not". Someone wise once said that a relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it, I forget who that was but I agree!
> 
> What we did? First: As stated, it is important to work on knowing ourselves and what we really want from our spouse(we can't ask for what we do not identify); Second: improve communication skills(we must be loving and respectful to one another, no one wants to listen if they feel they are being attacked or patronized); Third: be honest with our level of commitment to our marriage and our partner. I think the only thing worse than hearing a spouse no long loves us is being with a non-loving spouse who says they do love you but refuses to love you the way you want to be loved.
> 
> My husband and I were caught in a vicious and painful cycle of circular reasoning that rendered us both becoming unfaithful, hurting one another very badly, separating on and off for many years, causing pain to our children and both of us feeling many times like we wanted to divorce, or just plain kill one another or ourselves. My marriage today is the happiest it has ever been; though we still have issues we work on and days we get disconnected, we are more in love than at any other time of our 32 years together.
> 
> Peace and many blessings,
> ~psycheee (that's psycheee as in psyche(the mind), not psychic as in fortune teller,lol).


"I think the only thing worse than hearing a spouse no long loves us is being with a non-loving spouse who says they do love you but refuses to love you the way you want to be loved."

I am living with a wife who always says she loves me WHEN I ask, but in everyday life she just refused to love me by showing any affection and emotion. For her, sex is something she gives to me to take granted of me giving her the money. No wonder she said she felt like a wh*** when I initiate sex. Yet, she is freaking out of being divorced for the loss of money. This is an example of a marriage that goes totally wrong and I am ashamed of myself not being able to divorce her earlier.


----------



## loveisforever

BigBadWolf said:


> This post got a lot of feedback as well, as I speak to the background in my own relationship with my wife, the woman I adore.
> 
> 
> In response to a question on whether is it personality or sparks or sexual attraction...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My opinion, sometimes it is easy to not see the forrest for the trees in this type of discussion. As to what makes one relationship work, and another fail, and to start on personality types and applied psychology, I cannot get on that boat because I simply don't subscribe to it in this scenario.
> 
> Why? Because to me it is like trying to fix a flat tire by musing quantum physics.
> 
> I could list a hundred ways my wife is very different from me, and a hundred ways my wife is just like me. And I guess that would be interesting to some, maybe not.
> 
> In many aspects of our relationship, I have been happy to allow my wife to make decisions, pursue her happiness, engage in hobbies and even to pursue her career as she has ever wanted. In all that, we have discovered together that her greatest desire is to be a SAHM and devote herself to management of the household, including the management of our finances.
> 
> This also would include trip and vacation planning, and coordination of activities involving our children and that even includes starting several groups and organizations based around my children's interests and activities.
> 
> While myself, I am more singlarly focused and tenacioius to whatefver particular goal I would have in mind. So in my career, with her taken care of business at home and the children, I have been able to focus and put myself in the position of a career (not meaning to give too much personal information) in a fortune 500 company that I enjoy, gives me a very flexible schedule, and allows us the income for her to have spent virtually all of our children's years growing up with their mother at home.
> 
> So while my wife is extremely detail oriented, and good at multitasking, I am much more comfortable and creative in regards to establishing, let's say, a particular vision or desired result, and laying a plan to accomplishing the tasks or eliminating the obstacles in order to reach that result.
> 
> Not that I am sure this is helpful, but maybe to answer your quetsions, yes in most ways looking at this my wife and I "fit" together most wonderfuly.
> 
> But know also in these things, even as I have said in other threads, even with this rose colored scenario that my wife and I "fit", there was still the same lack of sex after the kids were born leading to the spiral of resentment that I faced like so so so many other men.
> 
> When things turned around, and this is just this simple and basic and maybe even to make so many behavior psychologist groan, is when I focused on why the sex was becoming less and less frequent.
> 
> 
> Quote:
> Maybe it isn't all about sex and adhering to more traditional and natural gender roles in the marriage and bedroom. Maybe its just as much finding the right "personality" type for you, in addition to finding someone with the emotional intelligence to recognize the benefits of marriage.
> 
> 
> (question as to whether it is not sexual attraction but personality types that matter)
> 
> 
> 
> And this is just where I will say I disagree 100 percent.
> 
> As compatible as my wife and myself were, and as much as she is sexy and attractive and I am not shabby myself and a good provider and loving father, there was not much sex and to be very honest I was not a happy man.
> 
> Nor it seems, was my wife a happy woman.
> 
> Only now to speak of these things in hindsight, to me it was so easy and obvious.
> 
> But in the time of happening, a great mystery and what seems was just a sad fact of life, or of just getting old, or any such things as would be talking about on this forum as falling out of love.
> 
> So as I spoke earlier, did I focus on the lack of sex, and so I started to study what I was like before, as a young man with sex plentiful.
> 
> And also did I study even to the minute details, how did I feel when I saw my wife, or hear her coming into the room.
> 
> Did I feel as I did when we were young and discovering each other?
> 
> No, often I either felt not much, or worse, felt dread, as if to wonder what she would need, or be complaining about, or to start talking about something to interupt my reading or something.
> 
> So this is easy to see now, I had a mountain of resentment to her, shadowing every second that we were togother, so big and so everpresent. So I understand now how insidious resentment is in relationships, how it creeps in little by little but unless addressed it will never go away.
> 
> And so I focused on the resentment, and to put that in perspective simply meant that no longer would I hold back my feelings, regardless to keep the peace or make my wife angry or mad or sad or want to leave or anything.
> 
> So when my resolve to kill the resentment was finally greater than my resolve to appease my wife, that is when things changed for our relationship, very quickly, very dramatic as almost a hurricane upheaving the ocean over the seashore!
> 
> In all these things, such as I typed earlier, when I finally stopped appeasement to my wife in all areas, and instead layed out my desires and requirments and standing up for myself in all areas, I will say this again, my wife's reaction blew me away.
> 
> She was if seeing me again for the first time, as the look I remember when we were dating. Instead of her getting angry, she was apologizing, and the million little things, starting to offer me cold drinks when I was working in the yard, or hot coffee in the morning before I left for work. See these things I did not even mention, or ask for, yet so many things I noticed, did not the most important thing occur, and that our sex life went from not so much to through the roof. And I mean in the forms of her begging me to let her do this or that for me, and even in those times I wanted to maybe give her a break, no no no, did she make sure that if I did not pursue her that she would make sure she was pursued one way or the other.
> 
> It was as if she was a new woman, unleashed very much with fury and lust.
> 
> And so this is simply this, nothing more or less, she was doing this from her own desire to submit to my dominance that I was finally not witholding from showing her, and had been witholding for years and years.
> 
> And know this next part is hard to put into words, maybe it is helpful or not.
> 
> But during all this, and in my focusing on the effects of dominance and sexuallity, and maybe in my excitement to share with my wife, as she is very much my favorite person and best friend, would I be very enthusiastic to discuss with her the female reaction to dominance, to put these behaviors into words and maybe discuss with her on the intellectual and academic and logical pieces of all this incredible change to our relationship.
> 
> She would have none of it. I mean she would just show no interest and made it clear that, well, whatever was going on needed to be kept at least as a mystery to her. And this is a woman that at a drop of the hat will enjoy discussing einstein or hawking or sagan!
> 
> And a few times I have tried to explore her logical and intellectual opinion on how our sex life was so spontaneous and alive as if a switch was thrown, or maybe more telling, how by her own hinting and reactions, that our physical encounters would get often very aggressive and dark and hinting of violence and then the spankings and even other dark dark dark things that I would not mention in words, and again and again, her reactoin was at the very worst merely confusion, but mostly blissfully ecstatic, that the more aggresive and dominant I got, then the more her orgasms would come freely and frequent and even her fantasies and desires would she be able to show me.
> 
> Yet to speak of these things in words to her in logic, not effective.
> 
> Yet to say something aggresive, or give a strong look, would she then be sure to express her submission, or to take my hand and place it between her thighs to show me the reaction of these mere actions on my part were producing a very strong and physical reaction to her womanly places.
> 
> So what is her message, and yes, her leadership communicating to me? What I always say on this board, in matters of sexual attraction actions and behavior are what matter, actions speak louder than words.
> 
> And this, I am only typing all this to make this point, to me this reaction is nothing short of a miracle. And there is nothing on this world that to me would be a motivating to make our relationsihp last and last, for me to anything for my wife, than to honor her and please her and give my life for her, for these things that she has given me, which is her submission and her body and her adoration.
> 
> Sexual fullfillment IS the motivation and bliss for long term relationsihps.
> 
> And this is not caused by being good friends, or liking the same hobbies, or being a personallity type match, it is caused by something much older and deeper and primal than all this.
> 
> For when a man is a man to his woman, and his woman is a woman to him, this is the structure of sexual attraction.
> 
> And sexual attraction to each the good man and the woman is the motivation and unleashing to spur each other to be both creative for each other and protective of each other.
> 
> Nothing else is as the powerful motivator than sexual attraction, for we are sexual beings as our greatest common denominator.
> 
> I hope this is beneficial.


Personality matters. You just do not have the experience with a wife who has nasty personality disorders or trait, luckily.

I tried exactly these: "stopped appeasement to my wife in all areas, and instead layed out my desires and requirments and standing up for myself in all areas", and "I will say this again, my wife's reaction blew me away.---by having more resentment, a big fight, and threatened to call the police...

She did yield to me in the process. But I leaned it later that she yielded against her will, sadly.

She is just not your wife's type. She does not have a desire to submit. She want her own dominance. She showed her dominance to her dear dad, to her twin brother, to me in our early years. She threatened to kill herself if she could not get her way. 

"Personality" type do matter. Emotional intelligence is different among ladies.

My lesson is that if you find a right wife, she has the POTENTIAL to be a partner of your fulfilled sexual life. Your advice is wonderful and on point. If she disrespects you , stubborn and self-absorbed, there is no way you two can work out.

As some men are not marriage material, some women neither.


----------



## elisha_parker

swedish said:


> I have to agree with Alexandra and gobroncos6....the thought of being spanked does not do anything for me either.


My past experience is also the same.


----------



## Nomads

swedish said:


> I have to agree with Alexandra and gobroncos6....the thought of being spanked does not do anything for me either.


Yup, I was laughing and crying in the same time when hubby did it.
I guess it doesn't work to every women.
Though I always turn on when he act manly (I don't think writing details is wise as he isn't around and thinking about it making me KRAZZZEYYYY !!!) :bounce:


----------



## Holland

I see this is an old thread but it has come up to the top.

I pretty much agree with all you have said BBW. It has taken me a LTR (17 yrs) that ended in divorce and now in a very sexually healthy relationship to finally find out who I am as a sexual woman.

Spanking, yes please. Dominance by my man, yes please. We have great respect for each other, that is not a problem.
I love my hair to be pulled, for him to pick me up and carry me to bed or to drag me there while I pretend to fight him off.
We play fight, he is much, much bigger than me but we really love a good old fashion chase and spanking session. We may end up in bed then or if not it will be later that day.

I like to be on top but my head spins when he flips me over and then pins me down. He talks dirty to me, man that is a major turn on.

He would never hurt me, I feel completely safe with him. I am having the time of my life with him


----------



## cayester

Wow 20 years and still happy this is something to be really proud of. There are tons of couples in the world that promise to love and cherish one another but when trials come they end up turning their backs on each other.

I read an article online about the three tips to keep a marriage alive. In it it said that listening, having fun and doing things together are simple things married people can do. Here's where the article is located : 3 Tips to Keep Your Marriage Alive | Natural Papa

I was married before but the relationship ended. I am happy that it did because we would have ruined each other if we stayed together. We have a seven year old son and that to me means everything. 

I truly admire your story it gave me hope that marriages do last


----------



## joygirl

loveisforever said:


> Personality matters. You just do not have the experience with a wife who has nasty personality disorders or trait, luckily.
> 
> I tried exactly these: "stopped appeasement to my wife in all areas, and instead layed out my desires and requirments and standing up for myself in all areas", and "I will say this again, my wife's reaction blew me away.---by having more resentment, a big fight, and threatened to call the police...
> 
> She did yield to me in the process. But I leaned it later that she yielded against her will, sadly.
> 
> She is just not your wife's type. She does not have a desire to submit. She want her own dominance. She showed her dominance to her dear dad, to her twin brother, to me in our early years. She threatened to kill herself if she could not get her way.
> 
> "Personality" type do matter. Emotional intelligence is different among ladies.
> 
> *My lesson is that if you find a right wife, she has the POTENTIAL to be a partner of your fulfilled sexual life. Your advice is wonderful and on point. If she disrespects you , stubborn and self-absorbed, there is no way you two can work out.*
> 
> As some men are not marriage material, some women neither.


Right on point.

How many men have done everything possible to keep their marriage together and happy without success. 

And the 3rd point about many women loving to be spanked just made me want to throw up. :wtf:. Lets just say the OP does not know many women.


----------



## inarut

BigBadWolf said:


> When the good man has these things in place, that he makes his woman feel desirable and sexual above all other women, simply this, that his actions and behavior are consistent with this one atittude, that he as the good man knows what he wants and is the man to pursue what he wants: that he can have any woman in the world, and that woman is his woman!
> 
> Display this attitude in action and behavior, and I am a believer that your woman will not want to kill you, but instead will make you a very happy man.
> .


Yes!!!!!!!!! I wish I could like this 1000 times!
I liked your entire post, all of them really.....but this part particularly really hits home!
What saddens me is I have yet to meet a man who is the entire package you talk about in this thread. I have been with men who made me feel desired and loved above all else but they lacked confidence, strength and backbone....I have also had men who had those qualities who did not make feel loved and desired like that. It seems from my experience men are either one way or the other....no one in between. I had a conversation with a girlfriend about this recently and we concluded there is a real lack of well balanced men in this regard. I don't know if that's an accurate assumption or if ....which I am now wondering, if it has something more to do with me?

I also have to add, being a good man is key. If you are not a good man...not the same as nice guy... No woman will follow you or let you take the lead...not if she can't trust you to stand up for yourself or her and the relationship or if lack of care or pride prevents you from doing so. So often there are good men who lack strength so I can't trust them or I find men who are strong but not good .... And I can't trust them....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony Conrad

Eraz2010 said:


> Great thread! Enjoyed ready all the posts. I'm a "secong-time lucky" guy married to an awesome woman with a new child.
> 
> Have to agree with everything in the original (BigBadWolf) posting...excepy my wife never wants to be spanked...and it's not been a feature of our intimacy until recently. I played with it in the very beginning (as previous GF's had loved it) but she wasn't into it at all.
> 
> However, within the last 12 months something interesting has happened... she spanks me! And not in a playful way either, although our sexlife has defo gotten more passionate since.
> 
> The first time she did it was after one of those multi-day never-ending arguments where you fling sh*t at each other over and over again. She hot the roof after one comment I made and ordered me to bare my butt and hand her my belt. WOW! Did she ever whop me good! It saved a vacation and stopped the argument...and the scolding she gave me during it really got through and nade me see what an a**hole I was being.
> 
> It had a great eefect although I was very confused about it all afterwards. We even looked in the whole femdom thing afterwards and neither of us were interested. She has spanked me again recently for a variety of reasons (again for my own good) and says it's not that she wishes to dominate me, or wants me to be "submissive"...far from it, she likes that I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!
> 
> So, there can be a twist on the origins of this thread...
> 
> I have certainly read a multitude of threads here where in my opinion if the woman who is being wronged (usually by a lazy-a** loser who wants to sponge of her and thinks he can treat her like cr*p just because she is a "weak" woman) took the initiative to crack the belt over their butts then they'd see an immediate (and potentially grateful) change in their men.


My wife is not switched on by spanking at all but it had been a secret fetish with me since my youth. About four years into our marriage I asked her to spank me not for any reason but I thought I would find it erotic. She gave me about three slaps. I was embarrassed but encouraged that she could do that. Over the years there has been far more freedom about it. I am not a submissive. It isn't punishment. I lead in the marriage. I choose when I want it. I don't watch porn. I know it is a bit strange but it has worked for over twenty years and I would say I have a very happy marriage.


----------



## Tilted 1

Zombie thread


----------



## Tony Conrad

It does nothing for my wife either. I have tried it. So these philosophies that all wives liked to be spanked is untrue. Another untruth is that men don't like being spanked. That is untrue. I am not talking about domination or punishment. Just sexual spanking which a lot of husbands like but don't like to admit it as I don't.


----------



## Tony Conrad

Eraz2010 said:


> Great thread! Enjoyed ready all the posts. I'm a "secong-time lucky" guy married to an awesome woman with a new child.
> 
> Have to agree with everything in the original (BigBadWolf) posting...excepy my wife never wants to be spanked...and it's not been a feature of our intimacy until recently. I played with it in the very beginning (as previous GF's had loved it) but she wasn't into it at all.
> 
> However, within the last 12 months something interesting has happened... she spanks me! And not in a playful way either, although our sexlife has defo gotten more passionate since.
> 
> The first time she did it was after one of those multi-day never-ending arguments where you fling sh*t at each other over and over again. She hot the roof after one comment I made and ordered me to bare my butt and hand her my belt. WOW! Did she ever whop me good! It saved a vacation and stopped the argument...and the scolding she gave me during it really got through and nade me see what an a**hole I was being.
> 
> It had a great eefect although I was very confused about it all afterwards. We even looked in the whole femdom thing afterwards and neither of us were interested. She has spanked me again recently for a variety of reasons (again for my own good) and says it's not that she wishes to dominate me, or wants me to be "submissive"...far from it, she likes that I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!
> 
> So, there can be a twist on the origins of this thread...
> 
> I have certainly read a multitude of threads here where in my opinion if the woman who is being wronged (usually by a lazy-a** loser who wants to sponge of her and thinks he can treat her like cr*p just because she is a "weak" woman) took the initiative to crack the belt over their butts then they'd see an immediate (and potentially grateful) change in their men.


I was enjoying your post until you mentioned it as a punishment.


----------



## Tony Conrad

greenpearl said:


> You guys are just not used to playing. Whenever I see young animals play together, many kinds of animals, as well as young children. I have a big happy smile on my face. That's what I want to achieve with my husband. I want my husband and I are able to play like them our whole life. When he spanks, it is just playful spank, the feeling is so sweet. He bit my neck a few times, left a mark on my neck, I have to go to work with high collar, but the feeling is so sweet. He grabs me, it is very firm but gentle. I think personality plays a lot here. My husband is A MAN, but not a rough man, he has a very gentle personality. Your husband won't hurt you, he just needs to be gentle, let him read our posts, . Or you can spank him or bite him or grab him first. Will he be OK for that? I think all men like playful sex. Am I right? Anyway, they like sex! Give them sex, it is like giving them life!!! Ha ha ha, interesting men!!!


Thankyou for giving my wife permission to spank me.


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