# My husband thinks im cheating and im not!



## Saidy

My husband of five and a half years confronted me about cheating on him. To be clear, I have not cheated either physically or emotionally and am devastated at the accusation. I have always done everything to prove my devotion to him and only him. He has recently started asking to read all my emails, text messages and has admitted to recording my activities on the computer. I am really upset and do not understand why he will not trust me. I have recently started trying to have a bit more life outside of the home (started working out again and meeting new friends who I keep in touch with regularly). But certainly nothing outside what anyone would consider acceptable behavior. He told me he believes I am out there looking for someone to replace him but that is not truly the case. Can someone give me advice? I don’t know what to do to prove my loyalty and am extremely concerned this aggressive and untrusting behavior is going to end our marriage.


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## DailyGrind

Only thing I can guess (not really knowing your situation) is that a sudden change in behavior can really trigger someone's attention. Suddenly working out, and suddenly doing more out of the house (after 5 1/2 years) would certainly make me wonder why the change. I would just make sure you try to include him in some of the activities (like the working out). Once the "new" activities become predictable, and normal, he shouldn't see it as a threat anymore.

That being said...I'm sure none of this is in a vacuum. Why would he feel he should distrust you? Have you also been fighting more, drop-off in together time?

Good Luck,

DailyGrind


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## stumblealong

Hi Saidy- I myself am in a similar situation. I have been in my relationship for over 12yrs and and his insecurity has always been an issue. Like you I started working out and lost weight, and decided to go back to school and all this has brought tension in the relationship. I had to just flat out tell him that I am trying to better myself and in return that will benefit both of us. That by me being happy will benefit our family. He did not by it at first. He has tracked my computer usage and checked emails, ect. It has taken 6 mos, but it seems he has finally 'come around' to believing me. I also told him I cannot live with his constant suspicions and that he either needed counseling to help with it or figure it out on his own, or he was going to lose me.

Sounds like your H has just started this behavior? Does he have any of his own interests he does that doesn't involve you? If not, maybe he doesn't know what to do with himself when your doing your 'thing' and his imagination gets all out of whack. You have a right to be happy and pursue your own goals. Took me awhile to figure that out, but once I did, it felt great!


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## michzz

Saidy said:


> But certainly nothing outside what anyone would consider acceptable behavior.


Can you be more specific than this?


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## covenant

I am going through the EXACT same thing!! I was very sick and needed 3 surgeries which I got last year. I was bedridden for almost a year. Now that I'm better and wanting to get out of the house, go out with a couple of friends, visit family etc he thinks i'm totally cheating! Hes tracking my cell phone watching something on the computer, I have no idea what, and accussing the crap out of me! Yes I admit I've been to dating sites. Sites that my DAD has been on bc my mom passed 8 months ago and hes ready. Also sites that 2 of my friends are on. BUT NOT ME. I sooo sympathize with you!!!!! He tries to say hes not controlling BUT IS. This is going to ruin our marriage. I don't have advice because I'm going theough the same thing, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I will pray for you!!! God Bless you.


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## dormant

Saidy, this makes me wonder about his devotion to you. I think when a person so easily accuses you of things like this, it is because under the same scenerio he would do what he is accusing you of.


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## dallasapple

dormant said:


> Saidy, this makes me wonder about his devotion to you. I think when a person so easily accuses you of things like this, it is because under the same scenerio he would do what he is accusing you of.


Agree..ONE possiblility that is that its "projection" .Guilty people have trouble trusting others.

Another possibility is he is just that insecure.Maybe feels "unworthy" somehow.And that if he 'were you " ..he would cheat on him.(hope that makes sense).

Also sounds like you have make some changes?..Change even for the better can cause a feeling of instability..


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## KathyBatesel

I would have no problem with my husband checking on my texts, e-mails, etc. any time he wants to because there's nothing for him to find. I'm devoted and if he's insecure, he'd have to deal with that. 

But if he was that insecure, I'd be wondering whether he's seeking extracurricular ways to get his needs met if he was signalling unfaithfulness in this way. 

If I was sure he wasn't being unfaithful, though, I'd just shrug, let him look at what he wants, when he wants, and let him cope with it if he comes across something he dislikes. I would not let it be MY problem if I'm not doing anything wrong.


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## Acorn

OP, do you regularly invite and include your H in your workouts and new friends? 

If you are, then I think he's being insecure and a bit ridiculous about thinking that you are cheating and I'm with KathyB.

If you are not, and you are effectively excluding him from your new life, then I can understand why he might feel that way. Starting a new, independent life outside of the marriage (while excluding the spouse) is a sure way to raise a red flag from your partner's perspective. There's nothing insecure about that - that's a guy that's trying to protect his marriage.


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## dallasapple

> OP, do you regularly invite and include your H in your workouts and new friends?


Does she need to invite him to baby showers too?


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## dormant

If she invites him to a baby shower, they should make it as uncomfortable for him as they can.

I attended one once, because my wife and I we going somewhere after. Never Again!!


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## stuck in los angeles

If I were you I would be an open book for him and ask that he do the same for you in all regards, facebook, email, texts, all of it. 

I wanted to comment here because I currently am not at all trusting my wife and can share my perspective from my vantage point. In my case, I haven't found any hard proof that my wife been unfaithful but she's given me many, many reasons to distrust her and just oo many of the classic affair red flags are there to think she's not having an affair. And my wife is starting to work out of town for extended periods of time where I cannot check on her to verify. In your case though, if you two can be completely transparent to each other in all your electronic communications and know where each other are at any given time without unexplained absenses, etc., then he should eventually start to trust. Don't hide anything from each other though. I think if you both do this, you will both form a closer bond and the temptations if there are any, will diminish. 

I would also do some soul searching yourself. Think about how you both were when you first dated, and what the relationship was like. You were probably inseperable and an open book to each other. Try to go back to that time and look at what has changed since then. And be honest with yourself at what you do differently and how you've changed. I myself did this and realized where my faults were and changed my behvior to try to get the relationship back to where it was when things were good. I basically neglected my marriage and we grew apart. Often it takes two to destroy a marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## Acorn

dormant said:


> If she invites him to a baby shower, they should make it as uncomfortable for him as they can.
> 
> I attended one once, because my wife and I we going somewhere after. Never Again!!


Dallas is just introducing drama with the baby shower comment, OP never mentioned anything about a baby shower.

OP has not specified what her new life is, or even what the genders of her new friends are, so it's impossible to tell whether or not OP's H has any ground to stand on yet.


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## stuck in los angeles

Acorn said:


> Dallas is just introducing drama with the baby shower comment, OP never mentioned anything about a baby shower.
> 
> OP has not specified what her new life is, or even what the genders of her new friends are, so it's impossible to tell whether or not OP's H has any ground to stand on yet.


True. Maybe he does have reason to be. My wife tells me I have no reason to worry about the many red flags. According to my wife, I should just take her at her word that she would never cheat on me.


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## PBear

covenant said:


> I am going through the EXACT same thing!! I was very sick and needed 3 surgeries which I got last year. I was bedridden for almost a year. Now that I'm better and wanting to get out of the house, go out with a couple of friends, visit family etc he thinks i'm totally cheating! Hes tracking my cell phone watching something on the computer, I have no idea what, and accussing the crap out of me! Yes I admit I've been to dating sites. Sites that my DAD has been on bc my mom passed 8 months ago and hes ready. Also sites that 2 of my friends are on. BUT NOT ME. I sooo sympathize with you!!!!! He tries to say hes not controlling BUT IS. This is going to ruin our marriage. I don't have advice because I'm going theough the same thing, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I will pray for you!!! God Bless you.


First off, you might want to start your own thread, because you resurrected a 2 year old thread.

Second, what do you mean "you were on dating sites"? Did you have an account on them? Did your husband find out about your activities, whatever they were?

And finally, often when someone has cheated or is cheating, they will project their current actions on their spouse or partner. Has your husband ever cheated on you? 

C


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## dallasapple

Acorn said:


> Dallas is just introducing drama with the baby shower comment, OP never mentioned anything about a baby shower.
> 
> OP has not specified what her new life is, or even what the genders of her new friends are, so it's impossible to tell whether or not OP's H has any ground to stand on yet.


Im introducing posibilities.How is that "drama"?


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## stuck in los angeles

PBear said:


> First off, you might want to start your own thread, because you resurrected a 2 year old thread.


I hate when I'm not paying attention to the date of the OP and add my 2 cents :banghead:


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## dallasapple

stuck in los angeles said:


> True. Maybe he does have reason to be. My wife tells me I have no reason to worry about the many red flags. According to my wife, I should just take her at her word that she would never cheat on me.


But maybe you should?


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## dallasapple

True old thread???\

BLAHHHHH!!!


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## Dad&Hubby

It's amazing how people pick "sides" in this situation.

Everyone who is calling the husband's out as projecting or insecure. Travel over to the CWI section and look how many "cheating wife" threads start with.

"She started going to the gym, working out, losing weight, finding new friends"

So to say that there's ZERO reason for doubt, that's being naive. BUT...

Not every woman who's trying to improve herself is cheating. Improving yourself SHOULD be applauded. My wife wanted to go to a gym recently and I COMPLETELY support it, we've talked about that stuff for a few years, so I was PSYCHED to see her get out and do it. But there are two keys here, for one, we'd been speaking about it so it wasn't some new out of left field issue. two, we're fully open and she's not doing it for the social aspect.

Now, that said. Are you being fully open and are you TRULY involving your husband in your business. Make sure the "new friends" are something that he's included with. Don't go out drinking at a bar with new gym friends (specifically male). That's not behavior that will garner you a lot of trust. But there could be projection or simple insecurity as well...its very hard to tell.

This is a fine line. There's problems from both sides. You need to find the middle ground.


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## Dad&Hubby

PBear said:


> First off, you might want to start your own thread, because you resurrected a 2 year old thread.
> 
> Second, what do you mean "you were on dating sites"? Did you have an account on them? Did your husband find out about your activities, whatever they were?
> 
> And finally, often when someone has cheated or is cheating, they will project their current actions on their spouse or partner. Has your husband ever cheated on you?
> 
> C


HAHA nice catch PBear. I really have to start looking at post dates.


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## Hortensia

Ok, so, if the husband started a thread as a possible BS : "I think my wife may be cheating", he would be encouraged to use a VAR, a keylogger and stuff to clarify his suspicions. You guys wouldn't say "oh, he's just insecure ". 
So, to the O.P. : be an open book. Give him your password, let him see the emails. Show him your texts. You have nothing to hide, so let him look. Whatever suspicions he has, he will find them unbased if you are willing to be transparent and comfort his fears. 

It is anyone's worst fear that their spouses will cheat on them. No matter how trustful and secure they are. Sometimes something you do will just trigger their insecurities, like in your case, going out more often, looking good, etc. It is very good that you do these things, but if you suddenly started doing them, from your husband's angle, it may look like you found a lover. 

So, prove to him that he as nothing to worry about. Introduce him to your circle. You don't have to include him in ALL your meetings, but bringing your new friends at home sometimes or going out in a double date, etc, would let him see who is it that you are spending time with, and he will calm down. Even if his distrust offends you, don't act on it. First prove to him that he is wrong, then gently tell him you are hurt by him not trusting you. This is how you would want HIM to behave with you, if YOU had a suspcion that he is cheating.


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## totamm

covenant said:


> I am going through the EXACT same thing!! .. he thinks i'm totally cheating! ..*Yes I admit I've been to dating sites.*




Guilty as charged.


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## covenant

totamm said:


> [/B]
> 
> Guilty as charged.


I have been to dating sites because my mom passed away 8 months ago and my dad is ready to date and hasn't in over 40 years. He doesn't know where to start with this stuff and what kind of women to watch out for and asked for my help. So take your guilty as charged and shove it where the sun don't shine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## covenant

No my husband has never cheated that I know of but I reallyyyy suspected it once. Just never caught him. And the dating sites are my dads accounts. He wanted help with his profiles. Then I found out 2 of my friends one which is married we're on there. I was being very nosy. But I TOLD him about my dad and the sites. I just don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gitman

30 + years of marriage wife started loosing weight. Before now she could not drive at night she got too sleepy. All of the sudden she can drive at night! Enter soccer coach 48 yrs old never been married no kids has money take a real interest in my daughter (not sexual). Wife goes along with this 100% When the three of them do something together she comes home more alive than I've seen her in years. Doesn't want me around them (unspoken). I asked her about not wanting me around and she blew up. I asked if she was having an affair. She cried and said how "can you accuse me of that". I didn't think asking was accusing. After all big changes after 30 yr marriage I felt I had the right to ask.


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## Ignis

Gitman said:


> 30 + years of marriage wife started loosing weight. Before now she could not drive at night she got too sleepy. All of the sudden she can drive at night! Enter soccer coach 48 yrs old never been married no kids has money take a real interest in my daughter (not sexual). Wife goes along with this 100% When the three of them do something together she comes home more alive than I've seen her in years. Doesn't want me around them (unspoken). I asked her about not wanting me around and she blew up. I asked if she was having an affair. She cried and said how "can you accuse me of that". I didn't think asking was accusing. After all big changes after 30 yr marriage I felt I had the right to ask.


Lack of trust and lack of open and sincere communication. Please, you two sit down and talk openly. It is the only way to make your marriage firm!


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## curlysue321

If one is a thief one tends to think other people steal. I would wonder what your hubby was up to.


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## totamm

Gitman said:


> I asked if she was having an affair. She cried and said how "can you accuse me of that". I didn't think asking was accusing. After all big changes after 30 yr marriage I felt I had the right to ask.


Asking her if she's having an affair = accusing her of having an affair.

That doesn't mean you don't have the right.


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