# Separated and trying to regain my dignity



## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

Howdy. Im separated from my long trrm husband and am feeling at a complete loss of my own identity. I am so entrenched in his life with his family etc that its completely devastating to me that its all up in smokes.

My stbx basically has a fascination with all women and i see myself as being worthless, am depressed and its just a really tough sitaution. Im in therapy and it helps someewhat but its such a ****ty situation that ill need daily therapy to feel good about myself regularly.

I have a job, look after kids and am stressed to the max. I try to take baths, go to the gym, shopping, hang out with friends and try to be "kind" to myself but its not helpiong that much. I still get very sad. Wonder who hes out with, what hes doing while im home taking after kids. Wonder if shes prettier than me, more successful. Smarter, talented in ways im not etc etc. i drive myself crazy like this. I focus on all my shortcomings instead of my strengths.. At times i do feel good about myself i realize i am atrong and have great qualities but its hard to remember them when im feeling sad.

Any good books/advice/tidbits on what i can do to cheer myself up or what steps to take?

I have no idea if ill ever recover from the sh*t i had to deal with in my marriage. I wonder if ill go around being bitter for the rest of my life..


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your here Sammy. Sounds like your stbxh also had an emotional affair. You are not alone. You do sound more depressed then normal, being that you need daily therapy. Has the doctor considered putting you on some temporary anti anxiety/depression medicine? It might be a good idea for awhile, just temporary until you can get back on your feet. Keep reading on TAM. Start a 180 if you have not already. Keep posting. It will get better.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Try this:

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf

and this:

Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce: Gabriel Cohen: 9781600940507: Amazon.com: Books

and maybe even the book Eat, Pray, Love.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long were you married?

Do you want to get back to work?

You don't sound unattractive or worthless. Are you going to the gym to get endorphines everyday? When you look the folks there do they look happy?

It might take awhile to get over your stbx.


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

Married almost a decade, and yes i do work full time


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

I go to the gym to give myself something to do and get some muscles


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Sammy, I'm not going to lie, the immediate road forward is lined with broken glass; and you have bare feet. You may step wrong and have to backtrack, you are going to leave a little bit of blood on the path as you go. But your wounds will heal, the glass with turn to sand, the sun will warm your face and you will find yourself walking towards the beach.

Take your time, watch were you put each foot as you progress. Try not to think about tomorrow, but only today. Do your best today, and if it didn't work out as good as you hoped for, try again tomorrow.

You are a strong woman, a productive member of society, a mother, and worthy of loving yourself and being loved for who you are. Take the time you need now to find your way back, focus on you, not on him. Do the 180, try and fill what time is yours alone with activities. You will get through this.

-M


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Morgiana said:


> Sammy, I'm not going to lie, the immediate road forward is lined with broken glass; and you have bare feet. You may step wrong and have to backtrack, you are going to leave a little bit of blood on the path as you go. But your wounds will heal, the glass with turn to sand, the sun will warm your face and you will find yourself walking towards the beach.
> 
> Take your time, watch were you put each foot as you progress. Try not to think about tomorrow, but only today. Do your best today, and if it didn't work out as good as you hoped for, try again tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Wow. I may just print that off and post it somewhere where I can read it every day. I'm speechless. 

I can't possibly add anything to that, except know that you are not alone.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

read _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie. there is a workbook too.. there are also support groups for codendency


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You are out and away from a cheater and liar. That is the important thing, no one's life can be good under those circumstances. Now you have a chance for a life without betrayal, and a life where you might, in time, meet someone honest and loving. 

There is always someone prettier, younger, and more accomplished than us, don't let that be a big deal. That younger, prettier woman is getting a liar and a womanizer, so she's throwing good after bad. And after he's used the new one for awhile he will again look for someone younger or prettier yet again, so he's a curse on these women. He'll never be satisfied, a horrible way to live. But you don't have to be part of that anymore, thank God. 

Hope is the thing, even if it's just a tiny spark, you have to hold onto hope for the future. 

You have your home, your kids, your job, your health. And now you take your time and try to work toward getting him out of your head. My abusive, cheating ex drove me to the point of utter despair, I lost my home, my kids, and my ability to work because of him. But I still try to keep telling myself that no matter what he took from me I don't have to live with a liar and and manipulator any longer.


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

Thank u for ur kind words..

I still (think) i love him and want him bsck.. Although im not sure if its due to the insane loneliness and just plain feeling LOST without him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hoping you can figure it out. Is your H remorseful? Is he going to make the effort to make you feel special if you R?


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

Make me feel special? If u call flirting with girls making a wife feel special... He has no interest in working it out, too much sht happened and he says he just wants to "start over" with someone. Instead of figuring out y i resent him he says he wants someone who focuses on his good qualities instead of resenting him for all the sht hes done etc..


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Sammy, he sounds a bit like my stbx. Narcissistic tendencies,rug sweeper, passive aggressive...a whole salad of brokeness. Now I have freedom after 25 years.

It was tough and just like morgiana said. Almost 11 months in, it is much easier. When you feel yourself spiraling down, go out and be among people. Make eye contact, force yourself to smile, and reach out. Wrap yourself in a golden bubble and push the negative thoughts out of it. Think of three things to be grateful for on a daily basis. Keep exercising, especially if you can do it outside. One day at a time. There are so many of us out there in a similar situation, connect with them/us. It gets better...I promise.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When I told my father that I thought I still loved my cheating, lying, manipulative, cruel, emotionally/verbally abusive husband he said 'you need more therapy'. And he was right.
We deserve better, somewhere out there may be an honest person to love. And if not, well, we can live a life of peace and honesty.


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

I dont c him as narcisstic.. He says he seeked out women emotionally bc i stopped being there for him emotionallly... I did point out that he stopped being there for me as well and i didnt look for another man bc were MARRIED. No matter how unhappy u are u dont do that whetpher emotionally or physically unless its after divorce and ur free to do what u want..

Also i dont think hes cruel, just a selfish immature prick who thinks about himself.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sammy21 said:


> I dont c him as narcisstic.. He says he seeked out women emotionally bc i stopped being there for him emotionallly... I did point out that he stopped being there for me as well and i didnt look for another man bc were MARRIED. No matter how unhappy u are u dont do that whetpher emotionally or physically unless its after divorce and ur free to do what u want..
> 
> Also i dont think hes cruel, just a selfish immature prick who thinks about himself.


Sorry you are here. Different things are effective for each of us so let me share what helped me.

I took a good hard look at myself and I was sincere like you are saying about emotional support for your spouse. My pastor said, you have acknowledged your shortcomings and repented, forgive yourself, GOD already has. GOD has forgiven you Sammy, forgive yourself.

Additionally, I beat myself up about the marriage promises being broken and blamed myself. A friend, rightly so, pointed out that my WAW broke the promise not me. 

I have held on to those simple truths throughout my healing and they have been source of strength. Maybe they can be for you as well.

Be strong, you can survive and thrive,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I noticed you are beating yourself up about your WAS and who he might date.

My analysis goes this way.

I am a great catch, you sound like an amazing woman as well. Would a smart person choose to be with a hard working caring person or a selfish hedonist? You are loyal. Would a prettier person choose to be treated as you accepted to be loyal? Would a person have a long lasting relationship with a partner that runs when the going gets tough or with someone who keeps their promises?

My point is this, there is no one smarter, prettier, stronger or more loyal than you. The WAS is going to regret their choice, they almost always do. My WAW did and I am walking tall, confident and optimistic for the future. Your future is a bright as you allow it to be.

Be strong,
Stretch


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