# Moving on without hate...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wrote a thread before this but maybe put TMI

Anyways, just a simple question, how does one move on without hate? I've come to respect my STBX for our continual cooperation especially for our daughter, I can't hate her for what has happened. I'm having difficulties moving on emotionally however.

How?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Don't get me started .
Wonder they haven't kicked me out here for repeating myself and I'm still trying to figure it out.
How long has it been for you , was there an om ?

But , you sorta summed up a lot of my feelings.
X has been so good , so caring , my daughter , our fkd up finances. She'll offer to race over here at the drop of a hat for anything no matter how tired she is. She leave herself with nothing to chip in even more with the financial mess.
And then , I basically caused our [email protected] , I just didn't destroy my family though , l wanted to save it.
And she's seeing some one.

6 mths now for us . I hate her again now for what she's done and for our daughter but I still love her because of what she still is and always was. Or something like that , depends on the day.

I have to move on now too but I just wish I could find clearer feelings about everything.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I still have to see her all the time to for my daughter and our money crap. Sometimes I look forward to it , sometimes I'm so disgusted I can't even look at her :scratchhead:

Taking my daughter home again tonight , we were both sad and confused as usual taking her home. To see my beautiful girl having to live like this now well, you can guess the rest.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know for sure but I went through the hate part of it & cried my eyes out over it. Now I feel indifferent towards him. He'll have to live with the fallout from what he did. I'm pretty happy where I am now. Maybe that's it - when we start to detach & find happiness in our own lives apart from them is when we stop hating.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Having a new lover helps.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Moving on without hate? It happens when you let go of the past and stop making things personal. It happens when you realize that you no longer want to live your life angry. It happens when you come to find that holding onto everything serves no real purpose moving forward, as you can tell yourself that you will do your best never to place yourself in a situation like that again.

It all has to be done without letting yourself get taken advantage of, which is on you.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I am still in the angry.. maybe for getting dumped, or maybe because my ex is still cold and mean.

I have a feeling that we will never be friends again and I will always be angry with her regardless of things end.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I wrote a thread before this but maybe put TMI
> 
> Anyways, just a simple question, how does one move on without hate? I've come to respect my STBX for our continual cooperation especially for our daughter, I can't hate her for what has happened. I'm having difficulties moving on emotionally however.
> 
> How?


I don't know how to answer this. I still have a tiny bit of love deep down for my ex, but I hate him otherwise. I hate him for doing this to our family, and I have ZERO respect for him as he is weak, immature and makes bad decision after bad decision.

I too have to co-parent. I decided yesterday once our divorce hearing is over and I have everything in writing, I am going to go no-contact. I will state all communications to be done by email and only discussions about our son will be tolerated. I will arrange for custody swaps to be done at a local drop-off child care center. I really never want to see him again. I don't want to see his baby by the skank either. I don't want to be reminded of the pain and humiliation I have suffered forever. He's made his choices and made his bed and I want to move on so I can have a happy life. Continual face to face contact and his friendly chit-chat is counterproductive to this. Every time he sees me he tells me how good I look, how he thinks of me, and asks me for dinner. He tells me how "sad" he is about this (bullsh*t) and how his heart is broken, and how sorry he is (bullsh*t). He also wants to talk about his/my day, friends, etc. Its not allowing me to move on.

The way I see it, me filing for divorce is similar to the notion of the WS cutting ALL contact with the affair partner. If the WS continues to see the AP, feelings are still able to fester, the emotional and physical bond is not broken.

NC for me will allow me to put this behind me and move on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for the replies! My last topic on this generated no replies, probably also because it was on the wrong section. But it even made me wonder if I'm asking a stupid question! Thanks for your replies, I don't feel so stupid now

Throughout our marriage and seperation before we decided reconciliation was impossible, my STBX has never had an OM. I don't know about now, maybe, maybe not, but that's her business. Still, she's never been unfaithful to me, no physical or emotional affairs, which makes it harder. If she found someone else, I might actually be able to justify my anger, and use it to drive me forward. If she had been unfaithful, hell part of me wishes that she has been.

However, so far, all I have is a woman who I know did want our marriage to work at one time. She may have had issues, but for the most part, she was a good wife and mother - still a good mother it seems too. She's upholding all obligations and responsibilities, being very mature dealing with our differences to continue providing for our daughter despite the circumstances between us. She has my respect.

I don't know what to do. As for finding a new lover, I'm also asking this because I am having difficulties accepting a new lover even for a f--kbuddy relationship. I still haven't moved on emotionally enough to be able to have another woman in my arms, and that sucks.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks for the replies! My last topic on this generated no replies, probably also because it was on the wrong section. But it even made me wonder if I'm asking a stupid question! Thanks for your replies, I don't feel so stupid now
> 
> Throughout our marriage and seperation before we decided reconciliation was impossible, my STBX has never had an OM. I don't know about now, maybe, maybe not, but that's her business. Still, she's never been unfaithful to me, no physical or emotional affairs, which makes it harder. If she found someone else, I might actually be able to justify my anger, and use it to drive me forward. If she had been unfaithful, hell part of me wishes that she has been.
> 
> ...


My ex "moved on" 4 wks after we separated and the entire time we were supposedly in reconciliation.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> My ex "moved on" 4 wks after we separated and the entire time we were supposedly in reconciliation.


Damn...

I hate to admit though, a part of me envies you... If my STBX does beat me to it when it comes to finding a new lover, it would be easier. Right now I'm still chained sexually, I tried finding new lovers, I found potentials, but could not act on the opportunities as I realised I'm not ready for anything sexual with this sh-t over my head!

*sigh*


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

It's like the old joke, how do you eat an elephant sandwich? The answer is, one bite at a time. The enormity of the situation seems overwhelming and you wonder how you will ever get over her. All you have to worry about is getting through today. Have as little contact with her as possible, she is not your friend, your buddy, your pal. She is your children's mother and you need to respect her for that fact only. Time is on your side and in time all these things that seem insurmountable right now will all subside and you will meet someone new.


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## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Don't get me started .
> Wonder they haven't kicked me out here for repeating myself and I'm still trying to figure it out.
> How long has it been for you , was there an om ?
> 
> ...


i can give you the view from the other side of the fence, I did the leaving and I've moved on and found myself at the beginning of what may turn into something with another woman, my stbxw hasn't begun to move on because to her it's all new and raw, all my pain and anguish has occurred over the last few years of trying to give my marriage cpr, if your situation is in anyway similar then unfortunately you are both just at different stages of the process and only time can get you to the point when your ready to move on


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

I found this book helpful - "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. It discusses the different phases and steps for recovery so you can understand what part of the process you are in and ways to move to the next stage.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

For letting go of hate, I know for me what needs to be done but I can't yet. I need it to fuel part of my self recovery and partly to get it out so it doesnt hang around later.

Letting go is as simple as realizing, although uncomfrotable as it is, that your ex was simply just one person. Unfortunately time and investment tells you that you should have fond, long lasting memories of them. Truth is though, they are just one person you are compatible with in an ocean of potential partners. In a way it's probably the way many waywards think, except you are thinking about it when it's appropriate, after things are over. 

So moving on without hate is realizing that in some way, you've been given a new lease on your life. I struggle with this as I wanted my wife to share everything with me, however I've become much more self sufficient and happy since things went south. It helps that I was always able to entertain myself though. I never was much for one needing to lean on friends/family/wahtever.

Hate is healthy, and holding onto it is something you should do as long as it helps you regroup and move forward. It'll fade as it's usefulness fades. Fortunately that seems to be tied a lot of with finding yourself back in the "I'm happy being me" stage. Once you reclaim a sense of individual sufficiency you'll realize you're really not all that angry anymore.

.02


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

thisSux said:


> i can give you the view from the other side of the fence, I did the leaving and I've moved on and found myself at the beginning of what may turn into something with another woman, my stbxw hasn't begun to move on because to her it's all new and raw, all my pain and anguish has occurred over the last few years of trying to give my marriage cpr, if your situation is in anyway similar then unfortunately you are both just at different stages of the process and only time can get you to the point when your ready to move on


Thanks ts. Yeah mine is damn complicated. She thought I was done 18mths ago. I wasn't though , just fkd up.
I hear what your saying though and her stage well , it wasn't there it was forced , she even admitted that.
I just wish she believed me and everything would have been ok, Instead now , my beautiful daughter is paying for mummy's ridiculous judgement . That's the part I'll never forgive her for. Not to mention the hasty om.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Finding a new love interest definitely helps. Also living the good life and finding your own happiness can lift some of the hate. I have my moments, but I think she's more pathetic than I have hatred for her.


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