# Ladies- what do we say when we hate your new hairstyle?



## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

Help please! This has blown up twice now since I've been with my wife. She came home yesterday with a completely different hairstyle- which is her choice and completely fine- but I hate it and find it very unflattering. This puts me in a no win situation- do I lie and say I like it? Tell the truth in a polite constructive way and deal with those consequences- or just try to avoid the subject which makes her think I don't care or that I hate it?

She is very sensitive about her appearance and is lacking some confidence right now due to gaining weight from some meds she's been on- and I don't want to make it worse by being critical- but I just can't lie and say I like something that looks very unflattering on her. She's concerned about her appearance after gaining weight, but she went from a very stylish sexy current sophisticated look with longer straight hair- to a boxy outdated shorter cut with bangs that frames her face in a way that makes her look much heavier in the face than she is. I guess my reaction when I saw her last night was obvious- but I told her that if that's how she likes her hair that she should be confident and go with it. She said the most important thing is that I like it- which doesn't make sense to me. She knew I loved her hair the way it was- and she went for a drastic change. Her hair- her choice- but it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I love her regardless of her hair- but I don't know how to discuss this without having it blow up. I see it that if she chooses to drastically change the way she looks without seeking my input- then she should be confident and own it without worrying what I think. And if she's so concerned and potentially devastated that I may not like it- that she should ask my opinion on a new style first. Just a disclaimer- I'm not saying she should have to check with me first- but if you're going for a drastic change- then be confident and take the stance of who the hell cares if someone else doesn't like it. 

Make sense? And please help. We barely spoke last night. She pushed and pushed for my opinion on it after I was trying to stay away from the subject- and all I ended up saying was that she should be happy with it if that's the way she wants it- and while it wouldn't have been my first choice- she should be happy with having it how she wants it. That blew up- and she got very upset. I don't feel like I said anything horrible- and would never have said that if I wasn't pushed for a comment- but I just couldn't lie and say I loved it when I don't.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Maybe suggest that she shouldn't ask you questions that she really doesn't want an answer for. 

Have you articulated, clearly, what hair styles you like and ones you don't?

My wife knows that I find long hair (on a female) VERY attractive -it's in my top 3 favorite female appearance characteristics. She cut it short once (about 20 years ago). I hated it...She asked what I thought, I told her...She cried and I reassured her it would grow back. and it did. 

She hasn't done that again. 

It sounds like your wife made a drastic change....and can't really own it without your approval. If you don't like the look -don't grant that approval. She will get over it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well if it is already cut into this style, it isn't like she can change it.

It will have to grow out.

However, in answer to the basic question, my husband just tells me his preferences straight up. Not in a mean way but just like a friend would do. "Yeah, that's not my favorite look on you, I like it better the other way".


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Tell her you liked it better before, but she is beautiful no matter what. I have had my hair screwed up twice in the last 6 years (though I'm sure her hair cut was intentional) and I swear a bad hair cut can mess with your psyche. I cried so much (stupid I know) but my H told me I was beautiful no matter what, which meant a lot to me especially since I know he really didnt like it. Finally my hair is long and my H loves it. This may sound strange to some, but before I do anything to my hair, I always ask his opinion because he is the one who has to look at it and I always want him to be attracted to me, and now I think I have developed a fear of scissors haha but your wife may be asking for constant validation because she is uncertain too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

"It will take some getting used to. I already really liked your hair and didn't know you wanted to change it. I'm sure I'll get use to it!"


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## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

Thank you for the feedback. This is a very sensitive topic and she is extremely sensitive about anything to do with her appearance. She did cut her hair very short a few years ago and that started the first issue because I simply said I preferred it longer. She still holds that against me and throws it back at me years later. 
We're going to have to talk about this tonight and anything that isn't seen by her as supportive she views as a horrific insult. I completely agree that she's entitled to have her hair however she likes it, but I'm entitled to my opinion of not liking it too- as long as I'm not mean or insulting about it- which I would never be.
Same issue with clothes- just for a point of reference. A month or so ago she asked me which of two similar outfits I liked better. I told her which one and she asked what I didn't like about the other one. I said the first one was more flattering on her and she had a mini meltdown over that. Said she bought the other one because she thought it looked good and that I would like it and now she can never wear it. She said I hurt, insulted and offended her for just saying that. She's extremely sensitive and I have no idea how to discuss what she's going to turn this hair issue into.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

(In an effeminate voice) Look here girlfriend, it looks like someone took a lawnmower over your head. Now my solution is to take the vocal point back to the face by making you look like a clown. If someone asks about your hair, use the squeaky nose as a diversion.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Doh, these are always difficult to navigate. My mom just got new glasses, I don't know what she was thinking because the first thing that pops in my head when I see her now is Groucho Marx with a cigar! I told her I was used to her old frames and it will take a while to adjust to her new look. Her self esteem has never been the greatest so I'm not going to kick her when she makes an attempt to step outside her comfort zone.

I really don't see any point in being overly critical about something that can't be changed. I've said I prefer the previous look but I never tell somebody that I don't like something about their appearance. Too hurtful and doesn't really help anyway. I try to really gush and compliment when I really like something that somebody has done. 

My Dad doesn't like anybody to ever change their appearance, even when it's an improvement. He just doesn't like change, some people never like changes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Chris42 said*: She said the most important thing is that I like it- which doesn't make sense to me. *She knew I loved her hair the way it was- and she went for a drastic change*. Her hair- her choice- but it doesn't mean I have to like it. ...
> 
> She did cut her hair very short a few years ago and that started the first issue because I simply said I preferred it longer.


 Sounds to me like she shouldn't be surprised if you were dismayed.. She already KNEW ! 

I always seek out asking what my Husband would like *before* I do anything.. I think all spouses should do this.. talk things over like that.. or at least have some idea how one WOULD FEEL before we make surprise changes like that.. 

I HATE dishonesty... in any form.. I would rather know..or hear .."You know honey.. it wouldnt be the style I would have chosen.. I love you.. you are beautiful.. BUT.. ________".. but that's just me.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Chris42 said:


> Thank you for the feedback. This is a very sensitive topic and she is extremely sensitive about anything to do with her appearance. She did cut her hair very short a few years ago and that started the first issue because I simply said I preferred it longer. She still holds that against me and throws it back at me years later.
> We're going to have to talk about this tonight and anything that isn't seen by her as supportive she views as a horrific insult. I completely agree that she's entitled to have her hair however she likes it, but I'm entitled to my opinion of not liking it too- as long as I'm not mean or insulting about it- which I would never be.
> Same issue with clothes- just for a point of reference. A month or so ago she asked me which of two similar outfits I liked better. I told her which one and she asked what I didn't like about the other one. I said the first one was more flattering on her and she had a mini meltdown over that. Said she bought the other one because she thought it looked good and that I would like it and now she can never wear it. She said I hurt, insulted and offended her for just saying that. She's extremely sensitive and I have no idea how to discuss what she's going to turn this hair issue into.


you guys have some other issues if she holds a grudge for you dissing her hair cut from years ago.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Chris42 said:


> Make sense? And please help. We barely spoke last night. She pushed and pushed for my opinion on it after I was trying to stay away from the subject- and all I ended up saying was that she should be happy with it if that's the way she wants it- and while it wouldn't have been my first choice- she should be happy with having it how she wants it. That blew up- and she got very upset. I don't feel like I said anything horrible- and would never have said that if I wasn't pushed for a comment- but I just couldn't lie and say I loved it when I don't.


 Sounds to me she wants / expects you to LIE to her.. when anyone pushes for the TRUTH.. yet expects us to LIE just to save face & make them feel better...I'm sorry.. that's just ridiculous... I wouldn't lie.. 

Though I might ask "are you sure you want me to answer that?"..and get them to agree to not put you in the doghouse for it.. who needs that grief !....

There is no shame in having a different opinion.. You find her attractive, MUCH MORE SO, with long hair..you have no reason to feel bad about this.. MANY MEN FEEL THIS WAY. ( my husband included --he would be TICKED if I went & got some pixie cut!)... 

Old thread here on this...... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/69041-long-hair-sex-rank.html


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Chris42 said:


> Thank you for the feedback. This is a very sensitive topic and she is extremely sensitive about anything to do with her appearance. She did cut her hair very short a few years ago and that started the first issue because I simply said I preferred it longer. She still holds that against me and throws it back at me years later.


I have no patience for this bull****. "Seriously? Get over yourself." 

Probably not helpful. But if DH was still riding me over something like this, my eye rolls would be uncontainable.



> We're going to have to talk about this tonight and anything that isn't seen by her as supportive she views as a horrific insult. I completely agree that she's entitled to have her hair however she likes it, but I'm entitled to my opinion of not liking it too- as long as I'm not mean or insulting about it- which I would never be.
> Same issue with clothes- just for a point of reference. A month or so ago she asked me which of two similar outfits I liked better. I told her which one and she asked what I didn't like about the other one. I said the first one was more flattering on her and she had a mini meltdown over that.


Danger, Will Robinson! The correct answer is, I'm a guy. How the hell should I know! 


I am sorry for you. But it might be time for the get over yourself. Decide for your own self what you like, and wear that speech.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Does your wife put you between a rock and a hard spot frequently? Because so far she seems pretty difficult for it to be just a sensitivy issue. I would be afraid to answer her questions too as how easy she feels so insulted. It looks like a bunch of sh!t tests to me. Sorry to get off track- just making an observation from what you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Is it possible that what your wife is actually seeking from you is assurance that you still love her, no matter what she looks like right now? You say she's recently gained weight and feels insecure. You shouldn't lie to her, but there's nothing wrong with saying, "You know, I really liked your hair longer. But I still love _you_ even if this isn't my favorite hairstyle on you." 

If, on the other hand, she's exceptionally difficult and holds grudges, then it may simply be time for some MC. Setting your spouse up to fail (as she did by insisting on your opinion after the fact) then throwing it back at them for years to come (as with the last time the unflattering haircut situation arose) isn't healthy. At all.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ugh. Such a hard spot to be in. A woman's hair is her crowning glory. 

First, you need to work on your poker face. I'll play with you any day!

Perhaps you should leave the word 'flattering' out of any discussion re: her appearance. (Referring to the two similar outfits she showed you.)

If someone said to me, 'That's more flattering on you', I'll be honest. It wouldn't sit well with me. Because I don't want something to be 'flattering' on me; that implies there's something wrong with me. 
That it's a mere settling of sorts. A lesser of two evils. Not sure if I'm expressing this correctly?

I know I'll be shunned for this, but I say next time, put your poker face to the test and tell her it looks good. And then ask her if she likes it? Because you know what? She's going to do what she wants anyway. Your opinion doesn't matter in the end (even though she told you it does) because while she knows how you like her hair best, she cut it anyway.

I realize it's important to be truthful in a relationship. I get it. But in some instances, IMO, a little innocuous lie won't amount to a hill of beans.

Good luck tonight, man. You're going to need it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Chris - Never let them ask you first! It is a losing proposition. As soon as she walks in you should say "how'd you like your new hairstyle" or "how was your trip to get your haircut" and get her talking about it. Then either agree with her, ask a few more questions, or make a minor comment (like I really like it but would have preferred it 1/2 inch shorter or I really like it but think they could have used a slightly darker shade of brown to better match your natural color). Women typically have an opinion before they ask you anyway and will share it if you give them the opportunity. I also use that strategy when my wife gets new clothes and it has been very successful.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

If it's not something she can change in 10 seconds, then my default answer is, "It looks great".

New haircuts all "look great". Clothes, jewelry, etc get an honest answer because they can be easily changed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Well, you tried the truthful approach and that worked out badly for you. Knowing that she's already sensitive about her appearance and knowing you love her regardless, I'd accept her request for your opinion as a request for affirmation rather than a serious request for honest information. Whenever your wife asks what you think about her appearance, the correct response is: "Honey, you are the sexiest, most gorgeous woman on the planet. You look amazing and I'm the luckiest guy alive." Any other response is an invitation to Doomsville. Anything but an immediately, apparently sincere, very positive response will be taken as "I hate it.". 
Honesty is highly prized in court. In marriage, "supportive" almost always trumps "honesty".


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