# He slept with my neice



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Hi all. Where do i start. I have been married nearly 11 yrs, i have 3 girls. My neice came to live with us at the start of December 2010 as her son was being taking into care and we decided to take him in, followed by her soon after. My marriage wasn't perfect at the time. Things then got slowly worse. I had my suspitions that something was going on between my husband & my 20yr old neice & i finally got the proof last friday & confronted them, they admitted it and eventually admitted to sleeping together once in january..... My husband said he didn't know what he wanted, i asked my neice to leave on saturday & now my husband is very affectionet (sorry bout the spelling) and wants to give our marriage another go.

I am in bits but i still love him.

Any advice Please


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Chuck one of them out. That is super messed up.


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. You have allot of support here. If he is truly remorseful and willing to do anything to save your marriage, there is hope. Goodluck.


----------



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Once you get over the shock and awe, the next thing to do is choose what to do. Stay or go? Either way, sit down with for a whole day, and just read, read ,read these forums. It is crazy how much you will learn. pick and choose what advice best suits you. Some advice is better then others though. Affaircare's posts are amazing, Twotimelower's are as well. Then after reading, start asking questions, and ask whatever you need.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are no words. Infidelity is bad enough but infidelity with your own family member... 

You can and will get through this. Good for you for kicking her out.


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Yes i did ask her to leave but she wasn't allowed bring her 19mth son, he is still in my care, i just want answers and am soo confused


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

After I had vomited all over him I would throw him out. Cheating is unacceptable, cheating with a young family member who is obviously going through a difficult time, probably looked up to your husband and needed guidance is worse than almost anything really.

20 year old's make stupid decisions every day, particularly vulnerable / messed up ones. He was supposed to be your husband and your children's role model.

And he said he didn't know what he wanted. Well I'd be very clear about what he couldn't have!


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Sorry you find yourself here but you will also find the support you need here. Sadly you are not alone when it comes to a close family member, follow the wiser more experienced advice here. Read the 7 steps at Affaircare.com, post questions people will help you in the end his bad decision is not your fault do not take the blame. You will get through this.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Ack!. New level of fuct up has been discovered.

Ohhhhh geeez.










Sometimes I wonder if reading these forums everyday is like second hand smoke to my soul...

Sorry, I should offer advice... First, I'm sorry to have to rubber neck this thread, I can't imagine how twisted this must be for you.

Simply put, you need to insert your foot in someone's a$$.


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Well we have an appointment for MC next week, so thats what i'm focusing on when taughts of them together com into my mind.
She has now moved away and as far as i no back using drugs. I still have her son & she sez she can't come to see him because it would be too weird at my house but i agreed with social services to me her & let her see him, she isn't too bothered about this either.

I read Affaircare & alot makes sense, except how are we now ment to end all contact when her son is here living with us. 

The good thing out of all this is that my 10yr old, 6 yr old & 16mth old have no idea, even tho my 10yr old does ask me alot am i ok, trying to stay strong for them. It's not easy but i cudn't confuse them with this horrible truth.

My neice knew that i was v confused as to why my H had got so distant & i had confided in her, that makes me feel like such a fool.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am very sorry you are going through this. You have obviously tried to do the right thing by your niece who sounds very messed up. I really hope your husband knows what he has done and how wrong it was.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your niece is a piece of work too.

Pit, lov eyour post. LOL.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think you ask them both to go for now, you need time to pull yourself together and think about what your next step will be......
There are a lot of extra ordinary circumstances here, a lot would have to happen to get over this situation.
This is unacceptable, ask your husband to give you the space you need without him in the home for now...........wait until you speak to the therapist and then take some time for yourself, nothing needs to be decided today........


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a 21 year old niece and it just sickens me to read this. For me they'd both have to go and reconciling (for me) would not be an option. Sorry total deal breaker for me.


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Update: This week i have not shed a tear, but am constantly crying on the inside. I sat down last night with my H and i had wrote him a list about what i wanted to no. 
1- How did it start. Ans= He didn't no
2-When did they 1st kiss=He didn't no
3- Who's idea was it to go to a hotel together in Jan (the one & only time they slept together) Ans= It just happened, they had talked about getting away then it just happened
4-Why did they only sleep together once even tho it went on till march. Ans= 1stly he wasn't prepaired to pay 4 another hotel (not that she asked him 2) and it just didn't
5-When they went off in the car to the "shop" was it only kissing or 4play 2. Ans= Just Kissing
6- If he didn't no what he wanted on the friday evening i confronted them, what changed that he stayed. Ans= He couldn't leave
7- On a message she sent since she said he had changed his tune about ME, What did this mean, what had been said
and then that he had said he loved her but stayed with me & i can honestly say i dn't even no the reply to this.

I think that i was in shock all week & thats y these questions only came about last night, he said he would answer anything as he now has nuthing to hide. I know the 1st kiss happened around Christmas, is it just me, i think if something soo big as cheating on your partner happened then you would remember every detail, surely it couldn't be that hard to work out.... When we sat around the tree christmas morning had it happened by then?

Believe it or not when i confronted them and he said he didn't no what he wanted i left the room 4 them to discuss it between themselves, he said that the just talked about how came i was, she said it was a mistake & he said when it came to it he couldn't leave.


So not satisfied with these answers, will i eva get the truth?


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is responsible. She was a young woman really in your care, you were helping her and her friend. 

If he can't remember it means he kissed her IMO.

He either needs to be honest or leave, personally I'd have kicked him out immediately. He also should have absolutely no contact with her.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, a girl on another message board I used to frequent went through something really similar. Took her niece in (but she was only 16) and they had 3 kids, and she found her H screwing her niece in the bedroom. He'd go to bed with the wife and then the niece would text him and he'd get up and come downstairs. Nuts. She ended up pressing charges for statutory rape and she divorced his butt. He's in jail. The niece got shipped back home. Heartbreaking. 

I don't know if you want to stay with him. Cheating is one thing, but this situation has crossed some moral fibers. Your family member?!


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I am going to try and NOT address the niece issue here because that is a whole different level. To deal with that, I would point to Affaircare and I wouldn’t be surprised if she pointed you to a therapist outside of a marriage counselor.

As far as the "why" portion here, well there are going to be a lot of reasons that you will come across as you dig for the truth. 

First and foremost, I would suspect that this was a matter of opportunity more than intention. If it was a friend of the family, a relative or even a stranger, this would have happened because the opportunity was there. In essence I am saying that it could have been anyone and it was only a matter of time before it happened. 

Everyone's moral compass was broken here. 

This is not the first time I have heard of this happening. In fact, recently I have spoken with a couple in your exact position. A relative fell on hard times, the couple moved that person in and the husband cheated. The root cause was one I have heard many times before. 

If a husband feels unappreciated or that his needs are not met, and you move someone into your home that meets those needs, then the outcome is what you are dealing with now. Imagine that your husband has an emotional bank, as do you. You make deposits when you compliment him, or do things for him, touch him, spend time with him or give him little gifts. Each time you neglect him, fight with him or have negative interaction with him, you are making withdraws. 

If you have overdrawn your account, and a new person opens an account and starts making deposits.. well who is he going to invest in emotionally? The bank with better returns on his investment. The “Why” is really that simple, but the “How” is not. 

Your account was already overdrawn, but until you moved in the niece… he didn’t have any other accounts. This is why I say that your husband acted out of opportunity more than intention.

Your list of questions is not going to help you. You will always wonder if there was something you should have asked, and if something comes out later, he will say “ I told you everything you asked” He needs to disclose everything to you in one sitting, and your only question should “what happened, I want to know everything, even if you think it will hurt me.”

The way to do this is to have him write you a letter. A lot of people want the cheater to “look them in the eye” and it is a foolish thing to do. It is already a hard enough thing for him to come clean to you. You don’t need to compound that feeling by making it harder and if you are there physically he will find a reason to lie to you, to make it more comfortable for himself. He will be afraid of your reaction and he will protect himself from that fear. That is where the lies come in and you will never hear the whole truth. 
A written letter is a one way form of communication that prevents the other person from interrupting, asking questions or challenging them. You don’t need to do any of those things, you just want raw data right now, and a letter is the way to get it. Likewise, when you need to express something that he will find reasons to lie about, you should write a letter. 

One step at a time. Get the letter then we can move onto the next step. 

I would like to further state this: You are nowhere ready to make any kind of decision on what to do here on a long term basis. Before you can make any decisions you must achieve a stable frame of mind and until you have all the data, you will not be able to achieve that state of mind. Right now we are working on getting you to a place where you are capable of making a solid decision. 

With no decision made, you should not take any action that will affect the long term relationship. A general doesn’t send his troops into battle without a plan. Bad frame of mind means no decision, no decision means no action, got it? Don’t punish him, it solves nothing. 

Get the letter, and if you want further guidance, let us know!

Good Luck!!


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Thankls Twotimeloser. I had councelling myself as i had some issues. He told me he wanted to end things when he had seen how far i had come. I am in a much better place myself, if this had happened before my councelling i don't think i would have coped at all, he would have had every reason to leave with my neice, my mother or who eva.

I accept that at the time this affair started I was not a nice person to be around, I put huge pressure on myself to be everything to everybody, now i am soo much more focused and the bond i have developed with my eldest daughter is amazing.

As far a punishing him, there has been no major fights as fighting about it is not going to change the past, but knowing the reasons (details) may change the future.

I did put all my qu's & some feelings (didn't bombard him with too much of thoes) in a letter & he read it and answered as i said in my last post. I don't think he would write me so thats where i am now.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

In my opinion. Sleeping with someone else you don't know is one thing, but sleeping with a member of your family is so WRONG!! i would throw both of them out!


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Feeling soo low today even tho we had a good week end. No new answers to my questions. Roll on Wed for our 1st MC Session. Any posts welcome


----------



## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Lost.com, I saw your previous post about the questions/answers you went over with your hubby and he seems to be very guarded, not providing much details. 
He needs to realize he did this, he needs to own it, and should provide more than "I don't know." 

Just my 2 cents


----------



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Oh, Lost...this must hurt so very much.

You will never get the answers you want or need. To anyone who's ever been through an affair, the questions are just never answered even though technically they have been, and no amount of questions OR answers will take back what happened. You can ask, ask, ask and he can talk, talk, talk...but it will always be clouded in mystery and pain.

You are an extremely strong woman for handling this so maturely and with patience. Wait for the shock to wear down and then decide whats best in your situation. It may not be just one answer. You may make a small decision, and then build on that, and continue to build until your small decision becomes a much, stronger path for you to follow.

I do think I would have drawn the line. My husband cheated on me 2 months after we were married and it still haunts to this day. If I ask him any questions, its like picking at a sore wound. He resents me for it, he feels guilty for his actions again...but I just have to know sometimes. I accepted him back, but I don't think I could have done it had I been betrayed by my husband and my own flesh and blood.

The difficult part here is that there are children envolved and you must base your personal decisions on how to handle the situation the best way you can without causing the children too much worldly grief. They're not ready for this situation...NO ONE is ready for this situation, but they are innocents caught in the tide and the hard part is trying to salvage what you can while effecting them as little as possible.

This is not yor fault, Lost. You are the strong, resiliant tie in your marriage. Your husband is the weak link that broke you. He couldn't stand up to his impulses and in essense, destroyed everything he once had. Shame on him. I agree, he is being very guarded in his answers. He simply doesn't want to tell you anything. I feel that you need to know something before making a decision and I think he's biding his time by keeping the truth to himself.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Be patient with your MC. You are throwing a lot on them. Dont expect all the answers the first day, they have to come up with a course of action, determine the most effective way for you guys to communicate and a whole bunch of other things. 

That is my advice... be really patient.


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Thanks everyone


----------



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Just a quick qu for u all, at our MC Session should i just sit back and let him do all the talking as i am the only 1 who seem to be doing it at home


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lost.com said:


> Just a quick qu for u all, at our MC Session should i just sit back and let him do all the talking as i am the only 1 who seem to be doing it at home


I'm sure you've heard the proverb... "God gave us two ears so that we can listen twice as much as we speak"

I'm sure your MC will be accomplished at this, but I recommend you learn the art of asking open ended questions...

and listen, listen, listen.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

The double-betrayal thing again, huh. That is probably the worst.


----------

