# Mother in Law problem



## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi all, thank you first of all for allowing me to join here, I have friends but I feel like I cannot speak to any of them as they have their own lives etc etc. Anyway, my problem is thus, my Mil, I have been married very happily for 9 years and I have always respected my Mil, yes her views are not the same as mine and she very much believes in putting on a stiff upper lip and hiding her problems from view, in essence, she has always wanted to have a "show" family but she has never had that as she is now divorced and her 2 sons don't really get on, much to her disdain. 

She has done a few things to upset me, I have kept quiet and bit my lip and not said anything but this time I feel really has gone too far, last oct, we went through about a period of 10 days where I had no contact at all (my husband works away for 4 weeks at a time so he was away). He had mentioned to me that he had had a few texts off of her and that they were rubbish, his words, not mine and so deleted them, I asked him a few times what they were but he said they were'nt important, she has a "habit" of not knowing who's number belongs to who, if you ask me, I legitimately think she is losing her marbles but anyway....



After no contact, I phoned her and she admitted that she thought she had done something to upset me which was not true, was all obviously a misunderstanding, she had recently got a new phone and as always happens, I believe she sent texys to her son, NOT to me, anyway, I explained that "maybe" her texts went to her son, no she said, she was adamant that she text me, I never received anything, she said she had emailed and phoned and left heaps of messages, now she always calls, to "catch up", her words, in my eyes, if I am calling someone to catch up, then is up to me to call back OR leave a messsage for that person to call me back, anyway both messages were "catching up". The 1 email that I hadn't replied to did not ask any questions, was merely tellling me how she was etc so I did not reply. 

Anyway, she went on and on the phone and I had to interrupt to get a word in, she was going through redundancy but acting like it was her company and telling me how she felt she couldn't cope with any "confrontation" (with me??) Now, there was no issues, simply texts going missing and me not answering a no answer required email so basically the whole thing was blown out of proportion, anyway, I invited her here the next day, she came and things were awkward, I was trying to speak to her and was getting snippy 1 word questions back so I thought, hmm, summit not right so I said, oh by the way, I would just like you to know that if you ever call and we are not home, please just say that you want us to call back and we will and we are here for you, well, she did her usual and got off the chair and growled "I thought we spoke about this yesterday", 

I mean it wouldn't have been so bad but I resented the way in which she tried to fob me off, now she has done that to her son and that is up to him, but really we were in my house and I felt like we needed to clear the air, and besides I am a grown woman, there is no way I am allowing anyone to speak to me like that o I basically followed her through to kitchen, (kids were upstairs and engrossed in computer), I accused her of brushing things under carpet snd she denied this, I simplyt wanted to clear the air but she was hvaing none of it. 

Then she said, why didn't you tell me my texts were going to my son? Well, number 1, I didn't know what the texts were so i didn't know for definite if they were, I "suspected", Number 2, I have 2 children to look after and really, I have better things to do than call her up and tell her that she might be doing something "wrong", yes she hates being wrong. So basically, she then walked out the door evven after I told her I wanted to speak to her, she said she had nothing to say and didn't want to listen so I said, well, what's the point of me speaking then and off she went. 

That was last oct and have had no contact, my husband has been over to see here and they have had a few cross words, I feel like she is very much "protected" from the real world, her ex, my fil, whom i get on great with, has agreed with me that she can sulk and him, and their 2 soms always gave in for a quiet life, I feel like she has thrown her dummy out of the cot and realised that she can't see here grandkids whenever it suits HER and so is trying to get back in with me. 

I told my husband that he could take kids to see her when he was home, every 4 weeks, which yes, I know is awkward, but anyway, she emailed my husband a few days ago and basically laid it on and ssaid she wanted to know what she had "done" to me and wanted it sorted out, whenever I speak to my husband about it, inevitelly, we end up arguing,

I think she is playing the sympathy card with him and he is falling for it, she also got my Husband's brother involved, she would call him up upset and so he text his brother (my husband) saying "are you not going to see mum, she has had to go through redundancy all by herself etc" Now, am I hard hearted or what? I just feel like she is acting like she is the only person ever to have ever faced that, I know it is awful and we all knew she would get a job within days but she has a very low self esteem and also suffers from depression, in short, sh eis the type of person who worries when her cushion covers don't match her curtains, she is very materialistic. 

I am sorry for going on, I spoke to my husband yesterday, he never told me she had emailed him (prob for fear of my reaction), so I received a few calls on my mob, her number and then her partners, she also tried the house phone but I ignored that, I had spoke to her mother earlier on in the day, there is trouble where my husband is but my Husband is perfectly safe and so I passed this on and said that he was contactable through his mobile and so she passed this on to her dil, but yet she has still called me wanting to know info, now if there was ummit to say then yes I would tell her but he is perfectly safe and so I have ended up texting her saying he is safe and you can text him.

Have had nothing more from her, I am feeling like my marriage couldn't stand this, I know that I cannot expect my DH to take sides (he already feels like he is in the middle). Am I selling my soul giving in, or should I just give in? I don't want to even see this woman, to be honest, before all this, I had to take a deep breath before I even answered phone to her and although we "got on", she was never going to be my best friend.

I know I don't have to see her but I don't even want to be in the same room as her but it has been made even more awkward by the fact that my dh works away for a month at a time. I kind of feel like if I give in, she is getting her own way yet again, and that is not me but then is it worth my marriage, my kids and her do not have the greatest of relationships, she has never seen my kids having tantrums or just "being themselves", she thinks they are angels whereas my 4 year old can see right through her and refuses to pander to her, anyway, my dilemna is do I give in and make up, if so, how the hell do I suffer her???? Or, do I be awkward and not give in. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I can't eat or sleep and it is just wearing away at me, I can't really speak to anyone either, thanks.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Could you maybe break up that clump of words so people can read it better? I got half way through and just couldn't go on.

Thanks! And....yea...she has some issues.


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

Sorry I do realise was bit long winded! Is a bit hard to break down! I kinda felt I needed to explain!! Sorry, even I gave up trying to read it back, I will try! Thank you.


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

Basically a misunderstanding happened as my mil thought she was texting me and it turns out she wasn't, NOT her fault, she says, even though was new phone and she notoriously techno-phobic. Tried to sort out and due to her probs, redundancy, insecurity, she thought I had been avoiding her as she had done something to upset me, not at all, when we met up, things were awkward, I tried to speak to her and she walked out my door, without allowing me to say my bit. Now, 3 months later, we haven't talked, she is now emailing my dh saying she wants to know what she "has done wrong", he is in a different country working so difficult for him, I admit that. She has been trying to call, I have ignored call, I did text her today to tell her that he was ok (bit of trouble in his country but he nowhere near that). Is awkward as dh works away for 4 weeks at a time, I don't want any contact with woman but I have 2 children!!! Helllppp! I hope that has "broken it down" sufficiently!! Sorry!


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

I feel that to "make up" will allow her to get her own way, her x (my great fil) is my ally, he admits "she could sulk" and so him and their 2 sons always gave in, I feel that I am expected to give in too and I have done for 10+ years, she always disappears when something happens to upset her. Nobody is allowed to say what they want, I am sorry but I think my opinion matters??


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

OMG, first I need to say this was so hard to read.
You need to use PARAGRAPHS!! lol
anyway, i think you should give in. it doesn't sound like what she did was all that bad, Dont get me wrong. I DO NOT LIKE MY MIL, at all. but she has done some nasty things. To me, what you described isn't worth fighting over still - pick your battles, she is your hubbys mom and your childrens grandmother-


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

On the other hand, I love my dh with all my heart and I know this is affecting him but I also feel that she is using emotional blackmail on him, whereas I am being really hard about the whole situation, I was brought up totally different to my dh and I am probably harder hearted due to the way I was brought up, I am sorry that sounds like a cop out but it is true, my father was an alcoholic (divorced at a young age)and my mother lived with a violent abusive controlling drunk who would abuse her daily. My dh on the other hand may not have had a perfect upbringing but it was a whole lot better than mine. He is very sheltered, I think, not had to face trouble or adversity as he was "protected". Would have brought shame on the family for one of the sons to even be involved with someone who was into trouble. Sorry, I am not blaming my upbringing as such, am just trying to get across our different upbringings, don't get me wrong, my dh has some issues, as do I, I am quite sure!


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

to me, thats what mother in laws do. they suck.............
but pick your battles, this isn't that bad.
I just think its effecting your dh and you dont want to give her that control. be the 'better' person here 
it will pay off in the long run.......


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

It really "hurts" to think I have to give in lol! Honest, I really think I am some kind of stoney hearted bi**h!!! Grrrrrr!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But it's just stupid drama. Why give in? Just stop the drama? I dunno.

I dont' have a MIL. I like it that way.


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

Och, I dunno either, I know it's not that major but it is really bugging me! I think I will just have to grin and bear it but saying that, I don't have to go to family functions if I don;t want to, I just have to let her come see my kids in my house. Suppose I could do that???? And take up kickboxing so I can beat the living poop out of something to express my anger???!!


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

i guess its just not worth fighting over, dont look at it as 
'giving in' then, look at it like you are not going to waste ONE MORE SECOND caring about "this situation".
she's old, everyone knows shes wrong, let it be.
be the better person, PICK YOUR BATTLES..........
there are much worse things she could have done. then maybe i would say something else. 
You being upset over this is givine HER POWER>
dont let her win.
be bigger than her.


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## mrskemp12 (Jan 22, 2012)

Readyforbaby, you know I suppose you are right, I am going to "make up", simply for my dh's sake and nothing else. Thanks everyone for listening and apologies once again for my non use of paragraphs initially!!!!


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

just remember when you start to feel like she is winning, YOU are winning, you are doing this for DH (#1 and huge) and 2) you look like the better person cuz everyone knows she is wrong.

easy for me to say over here............next to my MIL pulls one of her stunts, you can help ME calm down too


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## ICouples (Jan 13, 2012)

Hi!
My approach is a bit different. I don't see it all as a war, at the end of the day she's part of the family.
But when she wants to 'pick a fight' (out of boredom), I sort of leave the field to her and go to do some sports or see my friends or simply me and my wife go away. 

The thing is that she is still working so, theoretically, she shouldn't be bothered with stupid stuff. But she still is. 

It might look like escaping from her, the truth is that I can't be bothered with silly things at all. So now she knows that when she wants to dictate me around I am simply to there to be played by her. Which, in turn, makes her angrier 

It's not war, it's guerrilla warfare, avoid open contact with the enemy so as to get on her nerves.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mrskemp12 said:


> Basically a misunderstanding happened as my mil thought she was texting me and it turns out she wasn't, NOT her fault, she says, even though was new phone and she notoriously techno-phobic. Tried to sort out and due to her probs, redundancy, insecurity, she thought I had been avoiding her as she had done something to upset me, not at all, when we met up, things were awkward, I tried to speak to her and she walked out my door, without allowing me to say my bit. Now, 3 months later, we haven't talked, she is now emailing my dh saying she wants to know what she "has done wrong", he is in a different country working so difficult for him, I admit that. She has been trying to call, I have ignored call, I did text her today to tell her that he was ok (bit of trouble in his country but he nowhere near that). Is awkward as dh works away for 4 weeks at a time, I don't want any contact with woman but I have 2 children!!! Helllppp! I hope that has "broken it down" sufficiently!! Sorry!


This is my opinion.... YOu have admitted she is on the depressed side, she is insecure, she has 2 sons, it doesn't sound to me she is someone calling every day and making your life miserable, she sounds like a woman who , for the most part, realizes when her sons married, her parenting was completley and utterly OVER and they no longer need her ...by the way, this is generally alot harder for Moms of sons - cause when you have daughters they generally want to still see their parents, but his parents....be damned.

Now, I realize you hate her, you have made this very clear, and yes, admit it please... you could go the rest of your life without seeing the woman. YOu think she doesn't feel this from you?? This is likely why she walked out on you in the awkwardness... it started out as a misunderstanding...but something else came out of that day...and it hurt her further.

Now who is the better person here....you or her?? I am going to guess you are NOT as insecure as her ...correct ? and that being the case, give the woman some Grace... 

Sure -it was a bit annoying, you were too busy with your life & the beautiful kids her son has given you . You say you love your husband dearly, can you take a step back, and appreciate.... because of his parents, you have the life you have now ....and try to overlook some of these annoyances and weaknesses, the man would not be here if it wasn't for her, and for this reason alone....Make peace -but mean it ... there is nothing worse than someone putting on a cardboard face -when deep inside they are seething. 

If I was in this situation, I would realize the woman was HURT, HURT badly, felt noone cared, she was trying to reach out to her family, what little she has left now... after she walked out , I would have sat down and at the very least wrote her a letter trying to explain how the misunderstanding took place and that she was still wanted in our lives. 

This would have calmed the storm, and 4 months would not have been wasted. 

Again, be the better person. Reach out. But please find it in your heart to understand where she was coming from....before you do , with the ability to say You were sorry for this misunderstanding . It has to start with someone, your husband will be very proud of YOU if you handle it in this way.

Trust me.


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