# Dating my ex fiancé's friend & I'm falling in love. Am I crossing a line?



## Reyna (Mar 24, 2014)

_Hi guys I'm new to this forum and I hope you can give me some advice._

My ex fiancé and I have a 4yo son together and had been together 7yrs but we broke up late last year because of reasons I don't want to share. My ex is a firefighter so he works a lot but when he has time off he spends as much time as he can with our son, He really is an amazing father to him. Early this year I moved out of the house my fiancé and I shared and moved back to Brooklyn with our son as I never felt at home in the Bronx, Since moving back here I have been in contact with my ex's former co worker who had transferred to a different squad in Brooklyn 3yrs ago, He and I always got along when I would be at my ex's firehouse or if we were all out on a night out back then so it was great to see him again. Long story short, He and I have been out on a few dates so far and I really like him, he is the funniest guy I have ever met and he is so good to me.

He has very little to no contact with my ex these days but said he feels like a jerk because he's "seeing one of his brothers girl" but he constantly tells me he wants to be with me and even back then he always had a thing for me and never thought he'd get a chance to be with me. Deep down I feel like I'm doing wrong on my ex who I do care about still, He always asks me when am I going to take him back so we can be a family again but I don't think we should be together right now because we didn't get along for a long time and I really like this new guy, I'm falling for him hard. Should I talk to my ex about it or what do I do?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Reyna said:


> _Hi guys I'm new to this forum and I hope you can give me some advice._
> 
> My ex fiancé and I have a 4yo son together and had been together 7yrs but we broke up late last year because of reasons I don't want to share. My ex is a firefighter so he works a lot but when he has time off he spends as much time as he can with our son, He really is an amazing father to him. Early this year I moved out of the house my fiancé and I shared and moved back to Brooklyn with our son as I never felt at home in the Bronx, Since moving back here I have been in contact with my ex's former co worker who had transferred to a different squad in Brooklyn 3yrs ago, He and I always got along when I would be at my ex's firehouse or if we were all out on a night out back then so it was great to see him again. Long story short, He and I have been out on a few dates so far and I really like him, he is the funniest guy I have ever met and he is so good to me.
> 
> He has very little to no contact with my ex these days but said he feels like a jerk because he's "seeing one of his brothers girl" but he constantly tells me he wants to be with me and even back then he always had a thing for me and never thought he'd get a chance to be with me. Deep down I feel like I'm doing wrong on my ex who I do care about still, He always asks me when am I going to take him back so we can be a family again but I don't think we should be together right now because we didn't get along for a long time and I really like this new guy, I'm falling for him hard. Should I talk to my ex about it or what do I do?


If you still have serious feelings about your ex, I think seeing the other guy is a mistake. It could ruin any chance you have of getting back together again.

But if you don't intend to get back together, then you should tell him because if you develop a relationship with the new guy there is no way that your ex will not find out. If no other way, your son will eventually accidently spill the beans.

But if you tell him, remember that he is your ex, not your boyfriend or husband. You are doing him a courtesy, and an important one. You are not seeking his permission. You don't need that.

And good luck!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you're going to get serious about your ex-fiance's best friend, then you had better sit down with him and fully explain the situation to him much rather than having it suddenly sprung on him!

After all your ex-fiance is going to be an integral part of your life for at least the next 14-15 years, whether you want it or not!*


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## Nd4 (Feb 3, 2014)

This is a bad situation all around your ex will probably hate you and him and feel like you betrayed him.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Reyna said:


> Deep down I feel like I'm doing wrong on my ex who I do care about still, He always asks me when am I going to take him back so we can be a family again but I don't think we should be together right now because we didn't get along for a long time and I really like this new guy, I'm falling for him hard. Should I talk to my ex about it or what do I do?


You said you didn't think you should be together 'right now'; do you see yourself _ever_ getting back with him? 
If so, the former friend is probably a mistake. 

If you're serious about moving on without him however, it might be a good idea to give him a heads up. He doesn't have to approve, and you don't have to stop seeing the new guy if he doesn't like it, but telling him yourself is probably a nice gesture on your part AND it lets him know that you are definitely moving on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you still have any feelings for your ex at all, you shouldn't get involved with the new guy...it's not fair to him.

If there is any way your relationship with your ex can be repaired, I think you both owe it to your son to give it your best shot.

However, if there is zero chance of getting back with your ex, you need to tell him about your new man. Note, TELL him...you don't need his permission.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

If you are serious about the new guy,yes I would tell the ex.so he can move on and find someone else.he might be holding out hope of getting back together.good luck.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, I think dating friends of ex's is crossing the line.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Reyna said:


> _Deep down I feel like I'm doing wrong on my ex who I do care about still, He always asks me when am I going to take him back so we can be a family again but I don't think we should be together* right now *because we didn't get along for a long time and I really like this new guy, I'm falling for him hard. Should I talk to my ex about it or what do I do?_


_

If you are considering getting back with your ex, then make an effort to work it out with him; don't screw over two men while you try make up your mind. If you're going to date other people, tell him you're dating someone else and it's over.

Obviously your ex thinks this is just a temporary separation. THAT needs to be addressed._


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Yes, I think dating friends of ex's is crossing the line.


I agree.

Also a lot depends on why the two of you broke up. Oh yeah, and also your ex-fiance's friend is not his friend - he is a scumbag who has been waiting in the wings.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> I agree.
> 
> Also a lot depends on why the two of you broke up. Oh yeah, and also your ex-fiance's friend is not his friend - he is a scumbag who has been waiting in the wings.


That's a bit rough. Why is he a scumbag for liking her? It's not as if he ever acted on it while she was with her ex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think the problems you're going to run into are as much because you're not communicating to your ex about your expectation of your "breakup" vs. his expectation. Does he think this is a trial separation and you're supposed to be working on things, with a plan to get back together? If so, he'll feel like you're cheating on him (and rightfully so, if that's what you've agreed on), and the fact that it's with his friend will make it that much worse.

I think your best bet is to clarify your situation with your ex ASAP, with regards to ending the relationship. The more I think about it, the more dangerous this seems. Your amicable (it sounds like) relationship with your ex could blow up easily, and it may make life hell for all 4 of you. 

You also seem confused about the reason for the separation, btw. You mention not being together "right now". You really need to figure out what it is you want, ignoring the other guy, since who knows if he'll be there in 6 months or not. If you want to work on things with your ex, the work on things with him. No other guys. If you don't want to work things out with him, then kill that first. If you're not sure, then stop dating until you figure that out. And I say that as someone who's separated and is seeing someone. Don't waffle. You'll only hurt a bunch of people. And the fact that it's a former friend of his will only make it worse. Plus the longer you delay this, the worse it will get. What are you going to do, surprise him by telling him you're engaged or moving in with his buddy? Or have your son spill the beans? Bad news all around. 

C


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

breeze said:


> That's a bit rough. Why is he a scumbag for liking her? It's not as if he ever acted on it while she was with her ex.


Firstly because its not clear that she is broken up with her fiancé and secondly because he should have checked with his friend first about what the situation is rather than just (a) take her word for it and (b) dive right in at first opportunity!

Are you female because I find that women don't get this sometimes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You must be really mad at him, what did he do?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Love Happens!

Have a talk with your ex, you DON'T need his permission. But telling him that you met a friend of his and things seem to be going good.

Inform your current man about this before you tell your ex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Are you female because I find that women don't get this sometimes.


Woman here and I "get it" loud and clear--what it is that you are trying to say. I personally have a line that I do not engage romantically with any exes of my friends. It's just my Code. Lol. Not everyone feels the same though. 

OP - You said you guys broke up for reasons you didn't want to say. My thinking is that if it's any way related to this friend then yeah, it's hairy. 

I think Sidney nailed this one.


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## Reyna (Mar 24, 2014)

PBear said:


> I think the problems you're going to run into are as much because you're not communicating to your ex about your expectation of your "breakup" vs. his expectation. Does he think this is a trial separation and you're supposed to be working on things, with a plan to get back together? If so, he'll feel like you're cheating on him (and rightfully so, if that's what you've agreed on), and the fact that it's with his friend will make it that much worse.


When he and I broke up we broke up and never talked about getting back together because things became too complicated between us and I felt it wasn't fair to our son to be around two parents who couldn't even talk to each other. My ex never wanted the break up and pushes and pushes for us to get married and "be a proper family" but all that feels to much for me right now and I've told him that which resulted in us breaking up. I love him but we didn't get along together. My new boyfriend makes me laugh so much and I don't have a care in the world when I'm with him, He doesn't make me cry and already loves my son and that's important to me.


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## Reyna (Mar 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> OP - You said you guys broke up for reasons you didn't want to say. My thinking is that if it's any way related to this friend then yeah, it's hairy.


No, Its not at all related to this friend. I suffered a miscarriage at 6.5months pregnant and since that I struggled to keep my communication lines open with my ex which obviously frustrated him because I wasn't telling him how I felt or anything and it always led to arguments between us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

It sounds though like you are wanting to be with the new guy. If that is the case, carry on. Just your ex is going to find out about it eventually (hopefully from you).


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Err on the side of respectful...

Tell your ex-fiance that you've been seeing this new guy. You are both adults...treat each other as such. If you truly want to build a relationship with the new guy, you need to stop taking care of your ex's feelings.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Whoa whoa... Everyone is talking about how the Ex might feel... What about the kid here??? You two have a CHILD together! You will have to COPARENT this child for another 15 years or so! Have you thought about how difficult this will make it for your to coparent with your ex who now HATES your guts because you're sleeping with his friend? 

Do you have any idea how difficult this will be to take care of a child when you have a father who hates you so much, he'll do his best to undermine you and your instruction, make himself the "fun" parent, make you the "mean" one, etc." Your child is your first priority, you come second. This is not just about you here. The picture is bigger. I have done many divorces (as a lawyer) and I can't tell you how nasty it gets when the parents hate each other. The only ones who suffer are the children. Its so unfair to them. Rethink your entire process, take out the selfishness, and make an objective decision.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Extrapolation much Love?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

To answer your initial question, since they weren't close even though I understand the brotherhood in many public service jobs, I think it's fine to date him.

HOWEVER - 

You argued a lot with your fiancee and admit it was a lack of sharing and communication on your part about your feelings. If you don't learn to communicate you'll suffer the same problems with the next guy. That is why taking time between relationships to get grounded again is important. It's a time to reassess what went wrong, how you contributed to it and how to correct it, then move forward a better person than you were. It's not a good idea to go from man to man. 

And you admit you still love him. I think right now you should gently tell the new guy that you really enjoy his company but that you need to take a step back and address some unfinished business. Then you need to get a sitter and spend an evening with the ex-fiancee to discuss the break up, whether you want to try to fix it and how you are going to fix it (work on communication with a counselor) OR this is the time to tell him very clearly that you appreciate his position in your life as your son's father and that you respect him and want him to hear this from you first - that you have begun dating someone and assure him that you didn't start seeing this guy until AFTER you broke up. And right now you are just casually dating and enjoying each others' company and out of respect, you both want him to know that so he isn't caught off guard by hearing it from anyone else and that he NEVER made any moves until well after you two separated nor did he have ANYTHING to do with your decision to split.

I think to avoid hard feelings in the future it is very important that you explore your feelings now and clear the air.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

If your situation sounds like the title of a Jerry Springer episode...it's probably a bad idea.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Love2326 said:


> Whoa whoa... Everyone is talking about how the Ex might feel... What about the kid here??? You two have a CHILD together! You will have to COPARENT this child for another 15 years or so! Have you thought about how difficult this will make it for your to coparent with your ex who now HATES your guts because you're sleeping with his friend?
> 
> Do you have any idea how difficult this will be to take care of a child when you have a father who hates you so much, he'll do his best to undermine you and your instruction, make himself the "fun" parent, make you the "mean" one, etc." Your child is your first priority, you come second. This is not just about you here. The picture is bigger. I have done many divorces (as a lawyer) and I can't tell you how nasty it gets when the parents hate each other. The only ones who suffer are the children. Its so unfair to them. Rethink your entire process, take out the selfishness, and make an objective decision.


To quote you - "WHOA" - who says the father hates her? Or that he's such a bad father that he's going to use the child to hurt her by undermining the mother-son relationship???? A lot of assumptions here. She thinks he is a wonderful father. Nor does she say she's screwing his "friend" - she made it clear he was a co-worker and since the job change they don't hang out anymore. FRIENDS made at work continue to hang out socially even when the job location changes. These guys have not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What enjolii says... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> If your situation sounds like the title of a Jerry Springer episode...it's probably a bad idea.


Ok I know that was said tongue in cheek but it made me laugh. :rofl:


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

Oh no, you're not crossing a line at all. 

I'm sure you'd be Okay if your ex started dating your sister or mom, right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Redpill said:


> I'm sure you'd be Okay if your ex started dating* your sister or mom*, right?


How is that relevant to her situation? I see the argument you are trying to make but comparing it to her ex dating her sibling or her parent is quite different.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So your ex loves you, wants to get married and be a family, is the father of your son while you had a miscarriage, and decided you didn't want to be with the ex (ILYBNILWY sort of stuff). Now you hope to replace your ex with his friend (who you are already calling your boyfriend) including replace him as a father (the "boyfriend" loves your son and that is what is important to you). That sounds disgusting.

Your "boyfriend" is a friend and fellow fireman of your ex and he probably knows that your ex is still in love with you, has a son with you and didn't think to contact him before pursuing you. And you didn't think that you needed to tell your ex that too.

I really feel sorry for your ex but if its over, its over (still not entirely sure why) and you should tell him whats happening. If I was your ex, I would fight tooth and nail to ensure the scumbag (your "boyfriend") never goes near his son - bad influence!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> How is that relevant to her situation? I see the argument you are trying to make but comparing it to her ex dating her sibling or her parent is quite different.


I actually do get this - the "boyfriend" is supposed to be like a brother to her ex (the firefighting brotherhood).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

OMG people - are we reading the same original post? 

Cliff Notes versions for the reading impaired:

*FACTS WE KNOW*
2007 (7 years ago) OP and ex-Fiance started dating.
2009 (5 years/son is 4) had son
2010 other firefighter moved to Brooklyn precinct so no more contact for ex-fiance OR her
During this time she got pregnant, had a miscarriage at 6.5 months and shut down emotionally and didn't share her feelings so they fought all of the time which she didn't think was good for the son.
Fall 2013 couple broke up and she moved back to Brookyn
Early 2014 started seeing ex's old coworker

He loves his son
She thinks he's a great father
She still has some residual feelings for him; so does he.
He wants to get back together; she isn't sure
She has been on a FEW DATES and thinks he's funny and she's falling for him and is glad he treats both her and her son well (shouldn't any single mother want the men in her life to like her kids? It doesn't seem she's looking for a father-substitute).

I stand by original advice.


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## Reyna (Mar 24, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> To answer your initial question, since they weren't close even though I understand the brotherhood in many public service jobs, I think it's fine to date him.
> 
> HOWEVER -
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the reply, You make the most sense to me and you are making me see that I need to really think things through a lot more than I have been doing.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> I actually do get this - the "boyfriend" is supposed to be like a brother to her ex (the firefighting brotherhood).


Considering how many of the 'brotherhood' actually get with each other's partners, I don't think it's all as close as people pretend. I think for quite a few of them it should just be called the 'work-togetherhood'. 

That aside, if he didn't have anything to do with the break up, he can hardly be blamed for it. Bit like blaming the firefighter for starting the fire simply because they were there after the fact yeah? 

Yep, I'm female, I wouldn't date my friend's ex, but I don't expect everyone to live by my rules, and I don't think I have ownership over my ex's forever more either. They can date who they want (obviously it wouldn't be my sisters though, as they really ARE my sisters, and have the same code as me).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Eh she said how she was friendly with the new boyfriend when she saw him at the old station.
I think something was brewing then and now making excuses.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Eh she said how she was friendly with the new boyfriend when she saw him at the old station.
> I think something was brewing then and now making excuses.


Not only that she also said that he had the hots for her back then.

And this is not about owning your ex, its about courtesy of talking to your supposed friend/fellow firefighter.

And if you know that there is a high incidence of hitting on each others wives, then that makes them scumbags too. But I do not believe that is the norm having been in the services for a period.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And I stand by my original comments too. Scumbag guy who had hots for friends wife/fiance, and wasted no time swooping in once he could.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And OP wouldn't be asking the question in her thread title if she didn't see anything wrong with this. She is looking for justification for something she knows to be wrong.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Not only that she also said that he had the hots for her back then.
> 
> And this is not about owning your ex, its about courtesy of talking to your supposed friend/fellow firefighter.
> 
> And if you know that there is a high incidence of hitting on each others wives, then that makes them scumbags too. But I do not believe that is the norm having been in the services for a period.


OP you should tell ex fiancé the truth. Believe me he will put 2 plus 2 together. What a coincidence he transferred to a station near you. What do you think ex will think? Sorry you moved by him he was already in Brooklyn but still you are closer to his "friend"


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