# possible separation (long)



## Juniorgaf (Jun 22, 2009)

hi all, my first time here. hopeyou can giveme your opinion. i have been married to my wife for 7 years. we have known each other snce we were 6 and are now 29. We always knew we were for each oter. she stills says it now. Her problems from what shes telling me is confusion. she say things have just been built up for 3 years and she is just not happy. its complicated because we just bought a new house. we also have 3 kids.4,8,and 9. all through this process shes been fine. really into the house. busting her but. we got a new puppy, i tought we had great times looking for different furniture, and she feels the same. a month and a half and shes said she just wants to stay by her sister and try to sort things out. now how i feel. One of the things she says still bothers her are things i said to her. we are both the type of people that when we drink if we fight says very hurtfull things. we stopped putting ourselves in that position and that hasnt happened since january. i was laid of from work for a good 6 months just before we got the house in april. we wee constantly together in the 2 bedroom apartment. i feel maybe we are burning out our love. i also feel throgh some of the times as recently as last week were really good. i feel there is still enough love to make the marriage work. i toldher to take a girls night with her sister, or go by her moms for a game night or so. im just havig a hard time being alone in thehose without her and the kids for the first time. Do you think theres a little depresion? and how do i go about giving her "space". todays is the first day im trying not even to call her. Do i call her? ask her hows she doing? ust not sure how to judge how much space im giving. In my heart i feel like shes just seeing if she will miss me by being away. i told her i felt like we were getting burnt out and she felt the same. but she also said she needs "Space". I just dont know where to go from her. Thanks


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Juniorgaf,

Outside of her wanting space, you haven't brought up any issues. Has she brought any issues with you? Who knows what the future holds, but remember that things are never really as good or really as bad as they seem.

But you need to get ready for a rollercoaster of emotions during this trying time. You will need to try and work on making sure you are happy with yourself. I know and most on here know where you are or can sympathize with you. But there must be issues.


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## Juniorgaf (Jun 22, 2009)

she says shes having a hard time forgetting some of the things i said during fights.te s word. things of that nature. which were also 4 years ago. there was an instance when hr grandmother passed and i wasnt there for her. but i was there just couldnt go to the wake. the other issue came on her birthday. drinking again. we got into a really hurtfull argument on both sides, and i almost struck her.didnt but amost. and i have never don that in my life.and quit drinking since. and i told her that but i guess i scared her. and i just try to reinsure her how regretfull that was. i just dont knw how to go about "space" i want to call her just to see how she is feeling. but i dont want to press her. id like to alk to the kids, but is it better to just le low? im just feel empty


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

What were these fights about? Was it a common theme that just came up over and over?

Hang in there, she may be just a bit confused or you might have hurt her in some way and dont realise it. Dont push her to much about how she feels or it will have a negative effect. Just let her know you love her and you are going to respect her wishes for some space. Tell her to come to you when shes ready to talk.


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## Juniorgaf (Jun 22, 2009)

they were fights after drinking. neither of us remember how they started. niether of us communicated well to each other. that has been something we both agreed to and have been working on. things that either of us were holdin in, whatever was held in for however long would come out. we had our last blow up after we went out for her birthday in january. since then i have changed things that i do to be not just a better husband but also to be a better person. she aknowledges that and has gone far enough as to complimenting me on it. she says she is just so confused right now. i just didnt know how to be that husband she needed 4 or 5 years ago. and thase are the times she cant seem to let go. im going to be 30. call it being more mature, smarter, im ot sure.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do for yourself - changing and improving yourself. That is a step in the right direction. 

If this has been going on for a while in her mind, she might have been building up resentment over that time. Right or wrong right now she might be angry. I know how you feel. My w is very angry at me. I started improving myself in ways she asked but the her anger was still there and still is. I and we turned to counseling to help bring down those walls. I don't know yet if it is working for us as a couple, but it definitely isn't hurting us. We have seperate sessions and couples sessions. It is helping me voice my issues.

That is one thing you must remember, it does take two to tango so to speak. No matter why you were doing what you were doing, she was doing things you didn't like either. Right now isn't the time to address those with her, but be ready to soon. I know


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## Life (Jun 19, 2009)

*Re: Am I Paranoid*

Hi All

I really hope you can help me. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2. We were very happy until this happened.

Last year my husband wanted me to buy in to a business as a partner with a couple he met. I have not met them and requested that I first get a change to get to know them before making decision like this. What a huge mistake!!! This guy was more interested in having a threesome with my husband and me in the presents of his wife then talking business. I was disgusted!!! How cheap does this guy thing I am. I left immediately, not interested to do business as these types of people discussed me. 

My husband and I had a huge fight about this and he kept on saying the guy was only joking and that he is only a big mouth. They continued to stay friends even though I did not approve. I later had to find out that my husband and this guy watches porn together as well. My husband comment is that it is a guy thing. What guy thing? This was more then I could take already. 

Now they are in business together!! I can not accept this and this has had a huge effect on our marriage and his children out of his previous marriage as his hardly ever home now and I don’t know if they are really working or what they are busy with.

Am I being a paranoid or should I just except this?

Your advice would be more then welcome at this stage.


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## Juniorgaf (Jun 22, 2009)

She said she stiil thinks about those past situation and is not sure she can ever forget. which i understand. because those things were never in my character. i really feel it was a alchahol and immature problem. i was 24 25. Now dont get me wrong, that is no type of excuse. and i take full responsibility for my actions. she really resents me not being there for her grandmothers wake. i was scared where my uncle, grandmother(who lived with us) and grandfather all died within a year or so of cancer. i was 11 years old. i was in counsuling and all. i feared being in that room. im kinda confident i told her that. but i can only assume i didnt by the way she is taking it. i would never say that to her now, she would think its just an excuse. i only tell her that can only be fixed through other unfortunate events. the i can prove that i will be there. we have been talking the last couple days about her feelings. That is miles ahead of normal. in my opinion, shes doesnt want anyone to see her weak and crying. so she holds things in and depresses herself til she gets to this point. im just figuring how to give her the space. thanks for everyones help. Greatly appreciated


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Junior,

You might want to read The Seven Principles of Marriage by I can't remember off hand and The Five Love Languages by Gary chapman.

I've just read The Seven Principles of Marriage and it is interesting when I put myself in the exercises it has in the book. The Five Love Languages I read two months ago and was very enlightening on how people interact with their love languages. I couldn't believe how wrong I was approaching my wife with love. I was in my mind but not in her mind since I was speaking a different love language.

Giving her space will be hard on you, but like Dark said you can't push her or it comes back negative. You need to love her and expect nothing in return. It is hard, believe me, but lowering your expecations of anything in return to zero has helped me with my emotional rollercoaster. Still have my down moments, but they are not as deep.


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## bjcw (Jun 24, 2009)

*Re: Am I Paranoid*

I would not say you are paranoid because I have the same problem with my husband and porn. I, myself, am a survivor of child abuse, but I really don't think that is the only reason I hate porn so much but whatever the reason that you do your husband should respect your feelings. I know how you feel; I have found hidden printouts from a computer of porn; two days after we married I woke up in the middle of the night to see him watching xxxx rated cable movies; if I had found him two days before we married I would never have went through with it so whatever happens don't think it is you and do something you might regret just because you are afraid of losing him.


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