# Wife said we are seperated



## ineedhelp1007 (Jun 24, 2017)

Recently my wife and I have seperated but still technically lived together. We haven't even made it to a year of marriage until next month. Though she is unhappy. She is 22 years old and i am 28. Alittle background is we dated for close to 5 years and everything was good. She was pregnant from another man when we first met and I honestly didn't want to be around. Though i stuck around and was there when the boy was born and instantly fell in love. I have treated him like my own ever since. ( the father was a abuser and in and out of jail). We have been through alot together and she has really benefited with personal growth and really all around growth. She is in college now she didn't even have a highschool diploma when we met. Also i should mention we grew up next door and her brother is my best friend. Her family loves me and think I'm amazing to her. I took care of them financially so far and she really can't go out on her own right now.

Anyways we fought a decent amount about dumb things. Really that i feel were more communication issues. She has a problem with being on her phone and can be very jealous if i do anything that doesn't involve her. So i basically cut alot of the things out women,bars etc out to make her happier. Though it always felt she wouldn't do the same. We both work and shes in school to be a nurse and I help her study and felt i was very supportive. We started fixing my house i grew up in as a child and took over a year and alot of work by me. We recently moved in and just signed papers to buy the house. but she just said were seperated. The problem is when id drink a lot of the issues she wouldnt talk about would just come out. I put her down alot and basically pushed her away. I was wrong and recently stopped drinking. The problems were i felt I was doing all the work. Id clean the house she wouldn' do any of it. ID spend more time with our son shewould always been on her phone. and it basically killed me. She has all my passwords to my phone and everything, but i wasn't allowed on hers. It justalways bugged me when I’d drink. Plus everytime id drink she would say little comments to kind of put me in a bad mood. What happend to really push her away was after awhile of me asking her to stay off her phone and help clean around the house more. We had a day where we all went golfing me her brother and other brother and one of there girlfriends. It was a good day I had a couple drinks. She had to leave early cause her mother said are son was sick. I offered to leave with her and she said no. There was a surprise party afterwards for her brother. So i had to get a ride back with her brothers girlfriend and my wife made a big deal about it so it put me in a bad mood. Her mother is one of those who says she will help out but never does and always has an excuse. So I had enough and at the party i yelled at her mom. Then went off on my wife called her lazy and terrible things. She had every right to be mad. This is just the short version but anyways I was wrong. The next day she left. We still live together she doesn’t stay at home much works till 3 am stays at her friends house. Whom is a woman. So on her days off she usually goes there. After a week i apologized to her mother and started to really work on myself. I made all the mistakes of apologizing to my wife and she said its happend to many times. I tried to explain why it does and of course she wanted to not hear it. She is extremely depressed. In the first week we really fought to the point she snapped. She threatened to call the police and say i beat her. Which wasn’t true at all. She was already on antidepressants now shes lost. I think I was her last person she trusted. Her mother puts her down badly all the time. It has been 3 weeks now of her leaving. We have went to dinner twice and had a good time i tried to be nice and not bring things up. She started smoking alot cigarettes. Shes talked about how were not ment to be. Her mother told her shes a homewrecker and putting pressue on her to not divorce. We have sat down and talked she seems so lost. She doesn’t know what to do. She says she doesn’t know if she can love me again like we used too. Plus she doesn’t want to leave cause of financial reasons and our son. I have tried to give her space and not bug her but she is so lost. I finally got her to try to get some help from a therapist when she said she wants to die. I feel so terrible. She left me before when we moved south with my family and came back to ohio with are son. Eventually i moved back and we were happy again for awhile. I honestly don’t know what to do. Ive tried giving space she texts me sometimes usually about our son or things she needs help with meds picked up etc. I always help. I don’t have many to talk to my family feels I have done everything in the world for her. Even with me going off on her multiple times they think it was justified. I feel it was but it was the wrong situation to do it. I really feel we are ment to be if we could just work on each other instead of thinking it will just work. Though she doesn’t seem to think that way. Maybe it isn’t ment to be which will hurt badly. I just don’t believe in divorce and she has no idea what to do. I just hate seeing her in so much pain and leaving me all the time to go spend time at her friends. I asked her if she was talking to anyone to set some guidelines for space and she swears she isn’t. I honestly believe her. I asked her if she knew how much time she would need and she doesn’t know. She said she doesn’t want a divorce and she still has some feelings or she would have already left. Im sure what i wrote probably doesn’t make any sense i tried to type it to put a story out. Theres just so much to write i could go on for days. Sorry if it confuses anyone. Just looking for support or advice. As i said Ive recently quit drinking and focused on trying to understand her more. Actually listening to how she feels when we do talk. We have gone to dinner and usually we laugh some and talk she still on her phone some. She does hug me when she leaves and tells me where she is going. Just confused on what to do. I hope she goes to a therapist to at least help her I hate seeing her broken. Unfortunately I feel broken too to where it was hard to go to work and stay positive its getting easier but really sets in sometimes. Thank you I will answer any questions as soon as i can if u need more information. She doesn't wear her wedding ring and I do had to add that in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are having these problems and I hope you can work with her to turn this around into a good marriage. Though it will take a lot of work to do that.

I can understand why she is having issues with the way you treat her. Being an angry drunk is not attractive at all. So I really hope you have stopped drinking completely. 

You say that at the party, you verbally attacked her, saying a lot of mean things about her. If someone treated me like that, I'd get gone too. And your family says that you were justified to attack her verbally in front of everyone? Behavior like that is never justified. Would it be safe to say that your family looks down on her? It sounds like they do.

You keep calling her your "our" child. Have you adopted him? Do you realize that step parents have no rights in divorce? 

My suggestion is that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask her to read them with you and the two of you do the work together.

You do the "Love Busters" book first. It talks about things that kill your love and that you have to stop doing them. Then once you both stop love busting, you working the "His Needs, Her Needs" and start filing each other's needs. It helps you learn how to talk together and work together to repair your marriage and keep it strong.

Her not wanting to do things like housework can be a love buster. Are you saying that she does zero housework? Or does she do some and you think she needs to do more?

How much of the child care does she do vs how much you do?

Your yelling at her, getting drunk, attacking her verbally in front of other people are HUGE love busters. That's actually called emotional abuse.

What percentage of your joint income does she earn?


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## ineedhelp1007 (Jun 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are having these problems and I hope you can work with her to turn this around into a good marriage. Though it will take a lot of work to do that.
> 
> I can understand why she is having issues with the way you treat her. Being an angry drunk is not attractive at all. So I really hope you have stopped drinking completely.
> 
> ...


i mean i honestly really don't drink very often maybe once every two weeks but yes i have quit haven't in 3 weeks..She is way more important than alcohol .. and no she doesn't do any housework at all. she even leaves her clothes on the floor, i do laundry ,i do dishes ,i buy the groceries. Which seems all pointless now . and my family knows i wrong but they think its just the fact it builds up and she doesn't listen when i need help or tries to help me. I would say shes earns 30 percent right now till shes done with school then she will probably earn more than me. thanks for the reply


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you seeing a therapist? Might be a good first step.

Another thing, though, is there's no reason you should be doing 100% of the housework. Women tend to lose respect for men who do that without good reason. I'd start dividing up what YOU do from what she should do, like her own laundry and dishes and trash.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ineedhelp1007 said:


> i mean i honestly really don't drink very often maybe once every two weeks but yes i have quit haven't in 3 weeks..She is way more important than alcohol ..


What matters with alcohol is not always how often you drink, but how you behave when you do drink.

A lot of alcoholics only drink once every few months. But when they do, their behavior changes quite a bit to something bad.

If your drinking negatively effects your life, you are considered an alcoholic or at the very least a person who have serious drinking problems. From what you have said, you become verbally abusive when you drink.



ineedhelp1007 said:


> and no she doesn't do any housework at all. she even leaves her clothes on the floor, i do laundry ,i do dishes ,i buy the groceries.


Well, if you two do patch things up, you two will need to work on this. You two have different standards for house work so you two are going to have to negotiate this. 

Do you do her laundry? If you do stop it. Do not do anything for her that she can do for herself. When she runs out of clean clothing, she can learn to use the washing machine. I was married to a guy who left his dirty clothing on the floor. I bought him a hamper and told him to put his dirty clothing in the hamper. If he did not, the most I would do is put them in the hamper. If he wanted clean clothing, he knows where the washing machine is.



ineedhelp1007 said:


> Which seems all pointless now . and my family knows i wrong but they think its just the fact it builds up and she doesn't listen when i need help or tries to help me.


Even if she does not do her fair share around the house, it does not give you the right to verbally attack her in front of other people. You need to learn healthy ways to handle things like this. Whether this relationship works out or not, you need to learn better coping skills. Look, we all have to do this. Life and marriage are a process.



ineedhelp1007 said:


> I would say shes earns 30 percent right now till shes done with school then she will probably earn more than me. thanks for the reply


Does she contribute financially?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It seems to me you were being more open when you drank. You obviously didn't say things the proper way, but your wife seems like she isn't pulling her own, she is distracted, maybe talking to other guys and it pisses you off. She was really young and likely immature when you met her. 27 and pregnant by a guy in and out of jail screams, to me, of a person who is not emotionally mature.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, so you gave up bars and women just to make her happy, not because you were a married man?

Do you see that as normal marital behavior? That says a lot about how you view marriage.


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