# Lost and Uncertain ... Stress is too much



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

This is much harder than I thought it would be and I knew it would be the toughest thing I've ever faced when I began this journey. (For those who have not seen my earlier posts, H cheated with a much younger woman, a friend, someone who watched our children. Started with an EA which lasted quite a long time turned in to a PA and I discovered it..that was a year ago. H really committed to trying to make it work and that is where we are today..)

I feel very lost. I used to feel like I could do anything, proud of what I had accomplished in my life as wife, mother, and with my career. I am not a career-oriented woman but proud because I believe if you do a job you should do it the best that you can and I have done that and had pretty amazing achievemets and have a very good job now, I know I am good at what I do. But I work to support my family, they have and always will come first. 

I used to feel like if I set my mind to something I could do it. A year ago I looked my age (39) and maybe older. A few extra pounds, didn't work out, always tired, and threw on whatever was clean in my closet. I cared about my appearance but was not comfortable with myself physically so spent time covering up. Then H has an affair with a woman half my age who was busy uncovering and had nothing to hide. So I told myself I can look as good as her, in fact better as she lacked a single curve and I've always had them. I am now in the best shape I have ever been in. When I began this, I tore a quad muscle and H admitted to telling the OW...that's the end of that. I didn't I ran on a torn quad muscle every day..this is my stubborn streak. I accomplished my goals in less time than I'd set and continue to exercise daily today. Another example, I had not finished college when we got married and had a baby. I finished at night while working 40+ hours and pregnant. I graduated with a 3.8. 

So why am I lost today. The marriage is back on track. I am sure the affair is over and I truly believe he will never do this again. Physically I feel really good about myself and that has given me confidence but on the flip side I feel like life is spiraling a bit out of control. 

The stress I feel daily is justified sometimes...been through a lot in the last year, the economy, the uncertainty, bills, financial pressure...all that was there LAST year before the affair so how come now I seem to be unable to deal with this? 

Sometimes the stress makes no sense. Saturday night we sat down to watch a movie and relax. My heart began to beat so fast and it was skipping, much like if you were in fear for your life. I do not take medication of any kind, had not drank any alcohol or anything else that could cause this. I have no heart condition, quite the opposite with the running I was told by my doctor that I am in very good health. I have low blood pressure...

Is this like some kind of post-traumatic thing? I'm not sure howI can deal with it but sometimes it becomes so bad I have to stop and just breath deeply. Is this normal? I hate to say everything is related to the affair maybe this is something else???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Saturday night we sat down to watch a movie and relax. My heart began to beat so fast and it was skipping, much like if you were in fear for your life.

sometimes this happens to me. except i will usually get angry out of no where. after i think about it sometimes i can find out that something triggered it. what kind of movie where you watching? maybe something about the movie triggered an anxiety attack? or maybe just something about the situation in general.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

AZ, 

Hi again, I think you need to write and read aloud to your husband a letter stating how much he hurt you. You forgive him, but still having a hard time. Make it as long as you want but then crumble it and throw it away after you read it to him. Next I still think you need a vacation. Next how about a hobby just for you? something new or something you gave up years ago. No major commitment required, just for fun. Just some ideas....good luck. -M


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO - Like you it has been a year for us as well, went through all the weight loss as well and am in very good shape, and I have been having those "attacks", out of nowhere, like your heart could explode and you feel like you are suffocating. It is scary and I hate it. 

I think it is associated with falling back into old habits and sometimes I feel like we are losing sight of the goal. Breath is all I can do.

Martino - funny you mention the letter, I did send H one by email yesterday because I feel like that is the only way we can communicate lately, I know he got it and I am pretty sure he read it, but he came home yesterday and said nothing about it. Not a word. Was sending an email a cop out on my part, maybe I should have just read it to him instead. Yesterday was one of those days and we were running in all directions, I just needed to get it off my chest I guess.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Sounds like anxiety...maybe you should look at something to take for it...just in a moderate dose...valium, xanax, klonepin (sp) are all mild and might help lift some of what you're feeling.

Preacher


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Saturday night we sat down to watch a movie and relax. My heart began to beat so fast and it was skipping, much like if you were in fear for your life.
> 
> sometimes this happens to me. except i will usually get angry out of no where. after i think about it sometimes i can find out that something triggered it. what kind of movie where you watching? maybe something about the movie triggered an anxiety attack? or maybe just something about the situation in general.


It was Revolutionary Road and that might have triggered it because it doesn't have a good outcome only it hadn't started yet. But maybe you were right an anxiety attack. Yes, I have that too getting angry for no reason and I can usually figure out what triggered it. This happens with my emotions but now the physical signs are scaring me.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> AZ,
> 
> Hi again, I think you need to write and read aloud to your husband a letter stating how much he hurt you. You forgive him, but still having a hard time. Make it as long as you want but then crumble it and throw it away after you read it to him. Next I still think you need a vacation. Next how about a hobby just for you? something new or something you gave up years ago. No major commitment required, just for fun. Just some ideas....good luck. -M


Thanks for the suggestions. I do have a hobby one I have not touched in a year. You might be right, I need to do that and I do need a vacation! Maybe one alone..He does know how much he has hurt me, he is pretty sensitive to my moods and can see them coming on and deals with them pretty well. He completely accepts all responsibility so it should be easy to let it go but its not.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

still reeling said:


> I think it is associated with falling back into old habits and sometimes I feel like we are losing sight of the goal. Breath is all I can do.


This is a BIG fear of mine. Whether its working too much, ignoring problems, not taking time for each other or skipping my run. I am obssessive about running. Will do it at midnight if its the only time. My H will tell me you can take time off and its not going to hurt you...but I feel like 1 day will lead to two adn all of a sudden everything will be back the way it is.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

JDPreacher said:


> Sounds like anxiety...maybe you should look at something to take for it...just in a moderate dose...valium, xanax, klonepin (sp) are all mild and might help lift some of what you're feeling.
> 
> Preacher


I've thought about this and maybe will have to just afraid I'll get dependent.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

In your case I think meds are the worst option. They won't treat the root of the problem. With all the potential side effects I don't think you should even consider that. I'm only for meds when someone cannot function without them. Severe depression, Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar, Psychotic disorder. 

You're stuck in a rut and you need a way out, maybe counseling with a CBT therapist. They would help you identify these patterns and how to change your processes. 







AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I've thought about this and maybe will have to just afraid I'll get dependent.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Wow- I feel for you. I want to ask you - what do YOU want? Do you want to stay married? Do you want to move on and start off as a new beautiful you? Do you want to stay with a man who is a cheater (hon, once a cheater, always a cheater even if the cheating is old news ----he is a cheater). I like the idea of a hobby. Do some "me time" things. Get a facial, get a massage, go join a walking club, spend some happy hours with just girl friends, go visit your siblings ALONE....maybe you need space. I am unclear from your post what you are trying to achieve. If you are just concerned about stress - go see a counselor, walk more, meditate, try yoga, a massage, have more sex (maybe) or run naked down the street at 1 am....i tell you it is incredibly exhilirating.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

It's not often you get "dependent" on anti-anxiety meds...if nothing else they will help provide you with some clarity. When your head gets filled with everything all at once, the what-if's, the how's, the why's and the what would happen...it's very difficult to sort out and can be very overwhelming. The ones I mentioned are mild and temporary...

Please don't let the fly-by-night opinions of some keep you from at least talking to a doctor...

Preacher


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your responses. It makes me think. Srena good question! I don't know what I want. I think that is the problem. You asked "Do you want to stay married?" answer is Yes. "Do you want to move on and start off as a new beautiful you?" I don't know... "Do you want to stay with a man who is a cheater" answer is no. So how can I achieve all of these things? 

I do love him. Although I have to say not like before. Its definately less, and different. That may be temporary as I need more time to learn to trust him. So how can I have that deep love with someone who I don't trust? 

Do I want to stay married...and for the right reasons? Yes I do. I got married to the only man I ever loved. We've had a great friendship, and I thought we were "special". He's damaged that. But divorce is not something I want, I look at it (now-never would have considered it before this) as a last resort. Because no I will not stay married to a cheater.

I've heard that said before, once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe that is the basis of my dilemma. Can I forgive him this time? I think I can and I am working on it (I've read forgiveness happens in stages). Can I forgive it a second time. NO. He knows that, and he has no doubts about that. Anyone who knows me, knows that some things for me are black and white and he knows this is one of them. 

This is probably what's giving me the anxiety too. I have a deep fear of this ever happening again. Logically, knowing him it doesn't seem to be something he would do. He's paid a big price and he's said over and over again this was the dumbest thing he ever did and the price was just far to great to us both.So I guess if he ever does it again, to know the kind of pain you can inflict on someone and still do it? How could that person really love you? 

Bottomline is I do know I want to be with someone who I love deeply who I KNOW loves me just as deeply and that is someone I can trust, who is a partner and I don't have to carry the load. Who tries as hard as I do.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Ok, I may get yelled at, but I have been here, done most of this with my H. I'm almost 36, and his OW was 23, though I look far better than her junkie loser a**. My H has done everything to change his behavior, including what triggers it, which goes far back to his childhood. Therapy, has and does, do him good. 
Hun, I'm not sure you have really forgiven him. If you want to get thru this, and function without all of the anxiety attacks (I'm pretty sure thats what you are having), and your doc CAN put you on Propanalol...which is a blood pressure med, but also used for Anxiety...and it is NOT habit forming. I have a scrip for it, but have not had to use it in, a couple of months now. You have to forgive him, really forgive him, and you have to let it go. yeah, i know, its easier said than done, but I did it, and other than the perfectly natural reaction of wanting to run her over with my car when I see her, she does not affect me in my relationship anymore.
You chose to stay because you love him, I get that. I also get being afraid to move forward sometimes for fear of getting comfortable or reverting back to old patterns. But, if you keep holding this inside you, eventually the anxiety will begin to control you, and it could honestly trigger a worse problem in your relationship; an anger that stems not only from his affair, but from what you have allowed that affair to do to you. 
I also understand that the love you have for him has changed. Mine changed too, but quite honestly, I love him deeper than I ever did, because we came out of that abyss intact, and I see the changes he has made in himself, and I SEE everyday how important I am to him, our family is to him. It's allowed me to change in ways too, I've learned to find a balance in our life that included time for ME to better myself, and I learned not to sweat the petty things, because life could be SO much worse. 
Don't let the memory of the affair control you...don't let her win like that. Life is not a game, but their are some aspects of life that are a BATTLE, and this is one you chose to fight. I looks back at those few months and they were HELL...and I remember the day I decided (yes, it was a conscious effort) to let the pain go, and move forward and be happy. Let youself be happy, learn from what happened and quit being so hard on yourself. Talk to a doc about the anxiety issues, seriously, before they begin to control you. What he did does not have to damage your marriage, you CAN come out of this far better than when you went in, but it takes A LOT of effort. <<<<hugs>>>


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks MommyB..this makes a lot of sense. It is a conscious decision to let go. In some ways its easier to duck under the blanket of pain cause its comfortable, I know it and recognize it but getting out from under there I think means to fully trust. That's scary too. I'll work on these things, thanks.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm right there with you (again) AZ. Feel like a complete ass sometimes. I read a great book about learning to separate your EGO from your SOUL. Lofty but reflectively beneficial.

I know that a lot of my pain is my EGO being bruised and my instant physical insecurity of jelously, and fear of survival in a primitive way - how do I pay the bills? Weird, but well, true?

My soul I can honestly say is - happy to have the love of the man I married, even sometimes looking at this whole thing like "who came up with these marriage rules anyway", but at the same time, accepting that he opened a door - to which my soul may someday slip through - and away. Meaning maybe someday in the future I'll decide that my SOUL wants to leave him. But right now I'm not forcing my SOUL to make a decision. I'm letting it just roll as it will. And perhaps giving him a continued chance to win my SOUL entirely.

The EGO part is easier to understand and tell to chill out. The "will he do it again and embarrass and hurt me" part - screw it. I'll Bobbit him. (Was that that woman's name years ago who chopped her H's private off and threw it in a field?) Ok, so I might not do that, but I know for certain he'll lose the best thing that ever happened to him IF... So EGO, chill out. SOUL, take your time and let it roll.

The book is Anam Cara. Watch out though. In terms of his experience, there's a painful part that I interpreted as what my H might have been feeling/experiencing while in his EA. Not easy to read. But big picture? Yes. Soul enlightening.


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