# My Husband Wants A Motorcycle



## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

My husband has recently shown a strong interest in purchasing a Harley. His uncle has one that is really nice and said he would give him a special deal if he wanted it. Well, he has been searching and researching online about Harley's. He is 39 and I'm 37 and we have four kids ages 16, 10, 9 and 5. My biggest fear is the danger and me being left with these kids to raise on my own. I already told him that I cannot tell him what to do but that if he did buy one, I will continue to voice my thoughts and he that he needs to remember that he still has to live with me and that he better increase the life insurance policy on himself. He has alcohol issues but has sworn he wouldn't drink if he was going for a ride. Even his uncle told him that you have to be completely clear-minded when riding and that you shouldn't even ride if you have something simple wrong like a headache. He told me that his dad had talked about getting one right before he passed away and that's one reason why he wants to get one. He had never mentioned this before. Maybe this never came up before b/c we were never in a good financial position to purchase wants, although he purchased a boat several years ago...new and expensive without my knowledge. It is paid for now but it did cause some hardship and added to my resentment.

Could this be a mid-life crisis? He just seems so insistent and I'm against it but I don't want to be the big bad b... and insist he don't get it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Could be, or he might really be interested in riding. If you're concerned about his safety, you might explore the possibility of setting boundaries about when/where to ride (road trips only, weekends only, or....)


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Good riding gear and a calm mind can make motorcycling a LOT of fun and quite safe as well.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

If he is 39 and never owned a motorcycle before I will caution you on one thing: Do NOT let him think he's king f'ng dude cuz he's got a Harley. I'm 45 years old. I've been riding motorcycles since I was 20. I can't tell you how many guys buy a Harley...then a t-shirt, and think they can call everyone "bro".

Trust me, once he starts doing those things, I can help ya out. If he gets his Harley and merely enjoys going for a ride now and then - well, then you have no problem. Make sure he takes the Motorcycle Safety Foundation course.


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## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

that's what he says he wants it for - like a sunday drive, not to take to work or on trips. just out for an afternoon drive. i'm just praying its not a mid life thing and he winds up with a 20 yo girl on the back of the thing lol! he really doesn't have any time to ride it regularly so i do think he'll only go for rides around the area where we live. i just worry.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Nooo...trust me the 20 year old girl thing was the 60's-80's, it doesn't really happen like that anymore!! LOL

Bikes are great. I've lived this lifestyle more than half my life. I just see a lot of guys come in thinking they can buy the lifestyle with their bike. Just be weary of that part.


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## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

well that's good to know that it's a thing of the past lol! i just feel like if it's something he's set on, i don't want to be a huge pain in the a** about it. i have issues with being too controlling and am really trying hard to work on it with changing myself and counseling. however, when i wanted to redo the floors in our home i was met with a brickwall. no, flat out was his answer. but i did tell him that if he got a bike, we need to buy land and start building. we live in a subdivision now, which is okay, but i really want to be more secluded. and he agreed with that.

and, just curios...what is the lifestyle of a biker? is it possible a motorcycle will change his personality in some noticeable way?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

laya said:


> well that's good to know that it's a thing of the past lol! i just feel like if it's something he's set on, i don't want to be a huge pain in the a** about it. i have issues with being too controlling and am really trying hard to work on it with changing myself and counseling. however, when i wanted to redo the floors in our home i was met with a brickwall. no, flat out was his answer. but i did tell him that if he got a bike, we need to buy land and start building. we live in a subdivision now, which is okay, but i really want to be more secluded. and he agreed with that.
> 
> and, just curios...what is the lifestyle of a biker? is it possible a motorcycle will change his personality in some noticeable way?


This is just my opinion - and I hope it doesn't offend anyone. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day. Nearly all of our friends ride, but neither of us owns a bike or wants to. I go riding with one of his former coworkers to veteran-related events to get my fill of the wind and sun from the back of a bike. 

Anyway... It seems to me that some people like to ride because they just like to ride. But for some people, it's more about fulfilling a need to belong. As stated above, they go out and buy the shirts and find group rides every weekend. For them, it can easily become a lifestyle that revolves around their motorcycle and/or alcohol. Don't get me wrong, many biker organizations do an outstanding amount of wonderful charity work, too. BACA and Patriot Guard are my favorites, and Shriners do a fair amount, too. 

I don't know how much personalities change, but priorities certainly can.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

laya said:


> well that's good to know that it's a thing of the past lol! i just feel like if it's something he's set on, i don't want to be a huge pain in the a** about it. i have issues with being too controlling and am really trying hard to work on it with changing myself and counseling. however, when i wanted to redo the floors in our home i was met with a brickwall. no, flat out was his answer. but i did tell him that if he got a bike, we need to buy land and start building. we live in a subdivision now, which is okay, but i really want to be more secluded. and he agreed with that.
> 
> and, just curios...what is the lifestyle of a biker? is it possible a motorcycle will change his personality in some noticeable way?


The real biker lifestyle is something that you can't buy with your Harley like the extended warranty. The real biker lifestyle is one where your life revolves around riding. For me, I ride with an international motorcycle club. It is a lifestyle to be associated with such. Either you're all in or you're not in the MC. Even with a saying like "Family, Job, Club"...the Club is always a huge presence in your life if you choose that.

For some that means partying all the time. Others, it means weekend parties. Still more it's just getting together for a ride. 

It's about free spirit and the love of Brotherhood. That's why so many vets get involved in MC's cuz they understand Brotherhood.

It's also about RESPECT. And I mean that in a positive way. You don't disrespect people in this lifestyle cuz if you do, you will be out faster than you signed that paperwork to buy your new Harley.

Some people change. They think being Billy Badass is what it's about. They watch 'Sons of Anarchy' and think that's the lifestyle. And they couldn't be more wrong. Don't let him become Billy Badass. It's not cool.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

laya said:


> well that's good to know that it's a thing of the past lol! i just feel like if it's something he's set on, i don't want to be a huge pain in the a** about it. i have issues with being too controlling and am really trying hard to work on it with changing myself and counseling. however, when i wanted to redo the floors in our home i was met with a brickwall. no, flat out was his answer. but i did tell him that if he got a bike, we need to buy land and start building. we live in a subdivision now, which is okay, but i really want to be more secluded. and he agreed with that.
> 
> and, just curios...what is the lifestyle of a biker? is it possible a motorcycle will change his personality in some noticeable way?


I’m not a biker but I can add some insight nevertheless. I am a climber and early on in our marriage I was involved in a gnarly rescue of another climber. My wife was pregnant and thought it would be best if I gave it up for a while. I did and the end result was I became a couch potato and awhile became years. That caused more problems in our marriage than it fixed. I started climbing again a several years ago and it was like I found a piece of me that was lost. My mood was much better I was more satisfied and our marriage improved. So yes, it may change his personality for the better.

One of the places where I like to climb in Seneca WV is on one of the popular biker destinations in the area. They like to ride scenic curvy roads out in the country and camp out or stay at local Inns. I can certainly see the attraction to that. In addition they tend to be independent, confident, interesting people who travel sometimes alone or in large groups. It is very social.

From your post it seems like you have a good compromise. Perhaps this will help resolve some of the resentment you mentioned and you both will get something out of it. But do what Dig mentions and make sure he takes a good safety course.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

My Humble Thoughts:

Yes, it is a midlife crisis.

Do you have good insurance on him?

The nurses in the ER call people who ride motorcycles "organ donors."


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## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> My Humble Thoughts:
> 
> Yes, it is a midlife crisis.
> 
> ...


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## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

meson said:


> One of the places where I like to climb in Seneca WV is on one of the popular biker destinations in the area. They like to ride scenic curvy roads out in the country and camp out or stay at local Inns. I can certainly see the attraction to that. In addition they tend to be independent, confident, interesting people who travel sometimes alone or in large groups. It is very social.
> 
> I've spent a lot of time in Seneca. I am from Franklin, WV! It is a beautiful place over there and I've seen many bikers passing through.
> 
> From your post it seems like you have a good compromise. Perhaps this will help resolve some of the resentment you mentioned and you both will get something out of it. But do what Dig mentions and make sure he takes a good safety course.


I really don't think he'll be doing a lot of traveling b/c he does like to spend time with me and the kids. I think he will just do a drive here and there for no more than an afternoon. But I like your perspective regarding climbing. It's dangerous (I've watched too much I shouldn't be alive) and I feel that a motorcycle is dangerous too. But to hold someone back from something they find joy in is wrong and I'm trying really hard to let him have his way and not b*tch too much about it.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Why a Harley?
I've been on motorcycles since I was 6 and the Harley is a big fad. They are heavy, so-so reliability, poor handling, acceleration, and braking. When I bought my first street bike I took the advice of another seasoned rider and test rode a lot of different bikes. I actually ended up with a sport touring bike, looks like a crotch rocket with a more upright stance. It's a lot of fun, reliable, and will leave a Harley as a dot in the rear-view mirror. I had a friend of mine looking at Harleys too, and simply advised him to test ride several bikes before commiting to the Harley. He ended up with this beast of bike, I think it's called the Rocket by Triumph. It's a fuel injected 2.3L motor that makes 180HP with pipes and computer tune! 
I'm a gearhead....so I got off track a bit sorry. Has he rode before?
With our growing aging population I wouldn't ride on the street with no experience. Too many people just don't see you, I've lost count of the times I've some gold Buick pull up to an intersection, look at me then quickly look the other way(I know that they didn't see me most likely), and I'm stopped giving them my "hello stupid" wave 3' from the side of their car.
Our local cycle shop has these Wednesday night social rides that involve some different routes and dinner at the end, little to no booze and a good time for all. People see the group of bikes so it's much safer than riding alone.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Harley isn't about speed. And with the "new" TC engines reliability is never an issue.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I've been riding for 40 years and was raised in a 1% biker household. I've spent my whole life around all types of bikers and motorcyclists. There is a difference. Riding is dangerous and in part that's what makes it so damm fun. My family still rides including my sons. We ride with the full knowledge that we may die, but we all put in years riding dirt bikes and took safety courses before we ever rode on the street. 

In the 80's the group of riders with the highest fatality rate were the young men on sport bikes or rice rockets. Now it's the rich middle aged men who purchase large motorcycles as their first bikes. They simply get in over their head and end up blowing a corner, crossing a yellow line or attempting an unsafe pass. They typically don't have the skills to survive in the chemically altered cell phone distracted self entitled princess world we currently reside in. 

He needs to purchase a full face helmet, wear full protective clothing, take a safety course and buy a real F-ing motorcycle that actually fits his skill level. Sorry, but your husband is the type of guy I avoid like the plague when out riding because they are unpredictable on the road. 

HARLEYS ARE FOR DRUNK PIRATES!:rofl:


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I know they are getting better, and that's good. But at least around here it's almost which crowd you want to hang with unfortunately. We wave to other bikers and ~1/4 the Harley guys flip us off in return. A bunch of them were jailed and the Harley shop got closed down in October, all caught dealing.
We joke about the oil stains in the bike spots in front of the bars, usually where the Harley's are sitting as our social ride rolls out.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

badcompany said:


> I know they are getting better, and that's good. But at least around here it's almost which crowd you want to hang with unfortunately. We wave to other bikers and ~1/4 the Harley guys flip us off in return. A bunch of them were jailed and the Harley shop got closed down in October, all caught dealing.


You're speaking of the Billy Badass guys. They are swooshbags. And most everyone I hang with laughs at them and their Sons of Anarchy shirts.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I've been riding for 40 years and was raised in a 1% biker household. I've spent my whole life around all types of bikers and motorcyclists. There is a difference. Riding is dangerous and in part that's what makes it so damm fun. My family still rides including my sons. We ride with the full knowledge that we may die, but we all put in years riding dirt bikes and took safety courses before we ever rode on the street.
> 
> In the 80's the group of riders with the highest fatality rate were the young men on sport bikes or rice rockets. Now it's the rich middle aged men who purchase large motorcycles as their first bikes. They simply get in over their head and end up blowing a corner, crossing a yellow line or attempting an unsafe pass. They typically don't have the skills to survive in the chemically altered cell phone distracted self entitled princess world we currently reside in.
> 
> ...


I gotta agree...except for the DRUNK PIRATE comment!!! 

The "older" guys buying Harleys or what they think are "choppers" are some of the worst riders out there. Oh, I've never ridden before so I'm gonna buy a bike with a huge raked front end and hit the twisties.

Ummm. No. You're gonna hit the pavement.


EDIT: Ya know what...it's also any guy that late in life who can be a poor rider. I live in Upstate New York. We just had Americade up here. Can't tell you how many old dudes I saw on their Gold Wings in Bermuda shorts and flip flops. Oh...they had the full face helmet so they didn't get pulled, but they have no clue.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Locally, the whole Harley thing has flopped. Craigslist is full of them for sale and none of the dealers will take them in for trade.
I'm not stereotyping every Harley and it's owner, but there is a trend.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oh, absolutely it's the trend. Just like years ago when Orange County "Choppers" started peddling their crap through Mercedes dealers. 

Guys with spare income want to buy a dream. They get scared once or go down and the "life" just ain't for them. I have many friends who have gotten great deals from Craigslist. I hope to grab a bagger when I get to Florida in a month. There's tons of em for less than ten grand!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I gotta agree...except for the DRUNK PIRATE comment!!!
> 
> The "older" guys buying Harleys or what they think are "choppers" are some of the worst riders out there. Oh, I've never ridden before so I'm gonna buy a bike with a huge raked front end and hit the twisties.
> 
> ...


I made that Pirate comment for fun, but it does seem like there is a certain Harley crowd that just rides from bar to bar. I also see a few old guys around rocking the shorts on a wing or something other then a Harely. I think riding my bicycle on the street is more dangerous then riding my KTM with full gear on. It's a personal choice in the end.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> If he is 39 and never owned a motorcycle before I will caution you on one thing: Do NOT let him think he's king f'ng dude cuz he's got a Harley. I'm 45 years old. I've been riding motorcycles since I was 20. I can't tell you how many guys buy a Harley...then a t-shirt, and think they can call everyone "bro".
> 
> Trust me, once he starts doing those things, I can help ya out. If he gets his Harley and merely enjoys going for a ride now and then - well, then you have no problem. Make sure he takes the Motorcycle Safety Foundation course.


I'm going to echo SomedayDig here. 

I've been in the saddle 33 of my almost 42 years. An MSF course is a must, they have Basic and Advanced courses, both I highly recommend.

From a gear perspective you might want to look into the Reevu helmet. It has an integrated rear view mirror. Over the years a lot of the wrecks I have seen or heard about were a result of 'checking your six' and running into a vehicle/obstacle in front of you.

It really bumps up the Situational Awareness level. .. and with motorcycles Situational Awareness is key.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

SomedayDig said:


> I Can't tell you how many old dudes I saw on their Gold Wings in Bermuda shorts and flip flops.


Ugh...we had one of those on his 4th try for his endorsement when I took my test. Failed again.
Passed 96% my first time, instructor said I cut the corner just a touch in the emergency maneuver test. I said "I think you would have failed me if I locked up the rear wheel and pitched it sideways then gunned it out the exit". On a 1000 it just wasn't going to happen I was on my steering lock.

To the OP, good gear is huge if he does do it. You can go down going pretty fast, slide down the road on your leathers and get up ok if you don't find a car, tree, or mailbox in the process.
1/2 helmets are a joke. We passed a fatality accident where a minivan had pulled out in front of a Harley. The rider had avoided the van but went down, helmet came off, and he tumbled/slid into the back of a tractor towing some piece of equipment down the opposite side of the road with all these wires on a drum. Was not pretty.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I've ridden motorcycles since I was 12 years old (I'm 54 now). Been in one "bad" accident where a dog ran in front of me. I was 16. I still love to ride a motorcycle. 

It makes me a little nervous for folks who've never ridden to go out and buy a big bike, ride it around a while, show off, and (especially on a Harley or other big road bike that's good for straight lines but lousy in every other category) not really understand the bike-riding mentality. It's fun, but it's serious business too. 

Taking a rider safety course would be mandatory. I've never taken one but have ridden since I was 12, all kinds of bikes from small to huge (I'm 2 meters tall, for a mental image of me riding a Honda 70...). For someone who's never ridden, I have always recommended starting out with less of a bike, then getting the one you want after you figure out the physics of motorcycling. Not everyone can do it well. 

Does he ski, water ski, ride jet skies, fly, know how to sail, ride dirt bikes or quads, etc? Those are all things that help you mentally relate to the physics of riding. 

One piece of advice: When you swing your leg over that seat, you become invisible. And if you aren't invisible, they are ALL out to kill you. You must keep this mindset when riding in traffic or on the open road, at ALL times.

Oh and wear AGAT (All the Gear, All the Time) to keep skin on his body when he does drop it. Don't skimp if you want to keep your skin.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> One piece of advice: When you swing your leg over that seat, you become invisible. And if you aren't invisible, they are ALL out to kill you. You must keep this mindset when riding in traffic or on the open road, at ALL times.


Absolute TRUTH.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I made that Pirate comment for fun, but it does seem like there is a certain Harley crowd that just rides from bar to bar.


I knew it was in fun, however you are correct. There are those guys who get beer wings and suddenly think they're invincible. Beer ain't RedBull. It won't give ya wings.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ride WITH him. This is a hobby that you can easily share.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

My DH, two sons and I all ride. Mostly Sunday drives. Loads of fun  but do take the MSF course and make sure you have health insurance. Most accidents involving motorcycles and cars are due to the car not seeing the MC. Most motorcycle accidents not involving a car or other vehicle are due to inexperience and riding beyond your limit. Ride your own ride.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I knew it was in fun, however you are correct. There are those guys who get beer wings and suddenly think they're invincible. Beer ain't RedBull. It won't give ya wings.


No, that's *tequila *and Red Bull!!! :rofl:


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> One piece of advice: When you swing your leg over that seat, you become invisible. And if you aren't invisible, they are ALL out to kill you. You must keep this mindset when riding in traffic or on the open road, at ALL times.
> 
> Oh and wear AGAT (All the Gear, All the Time) to keep skin on his body when he does drop it. Don't skimp if you want to keep your skin.


Yep, and always have an escape plan for when they do try to inevitably kill you.

Also agree on AGAT. My lesson was learned as a teenager while being dragged down a gravel road about 100 yards under an XT 350 whilst wearing shorts. Needless to say my right side was a scab for a few months...all during football season.

That HURT.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Ride WITH him. This is a hobby that you can easily share.



Not so fast. One car can make orphan's out of your children. One bike - One parent.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Been riding for 30 years. Grew up riding dirt bikes, got into sport bikes, did track days, now I'm into cafe racers. I love a nice Harley, they're made out of real metal and evoke strong emotion. 

There are two types of riders, those who have gone down, and those who will go down. I had my first accident a few years ago after riding for 25 years. Hit a patch of gravel and low sided, broke my shoulder and leg. My helmet took a big impact and saved my life.

I still love to ride today and will never give it up. Even after 30 years of riding they still scare me, but it's essential to have that respect for your machine.

Let him get the Harley. This is a good opportunity for you to not be controlling and make sure he wears his gear all the time.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You know I look at envy sometimes on the guys riding around on motorcycles. I used to ride dirt bikes as a kid and it was a blast.

I used to work at a hospital in the operating room as a surgical attendant. I did this during the summers starting my junior year in high school through college. It was one of the top hospitals in the country (everybody would recognize it) so a lot of the very worst cases would be flown in from elsewhere. THAT is what built in my fear of motorcycles. Not only did it seem we had an entire ward dedicated to motorcycle accident victims (not really but it sure seemed like it) but one of the most gruesome things I ever had to do was wade through an operating room covered in blood to pickup this guy off the operating room table and take him down to the morgue. Motorcycle accident ... let's just say it looked like he had been skinned alive. That is seared into my memory, lol.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

There are two types of riders, those who have gone down, and those who will go down.

:iagree:

My husband and I each got bikes just a few years ago - 07, and yes they are Harleys. Most people will crash in their first year of riding. I bit it my first year riding, totaled my bike and cracked some ribs. My husband got hit by a car that ran a stop sign last year - totaled his and messed him up for a while.

Having said that, we both LOVE riding and will never quit. It either gets into your blood and you are willing to take the chance that this could be your last day on earth, or it doesn't and you sell your bike. If you really enjoy it, riding on Sundays won't be enough.

I agree with the others about the riders safety course, but also think this course gives you just enough skills to wreck. He will need a lot of parking lot practic and riding on the back roads before heading into trafic or those mountain passes.

We also have several children and my younges is just 14, didn't start riding until she was 8. Life has its risks, he needs to understand how risky riding is.

This may be a MLC, but so what, he will still have fun. And making a deal about spending your share of the savings is good.

As for you non-Harley riders :rofl: too bad for you...........


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