# crazy doubts - real gut instinct or just commitment phobia??



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

REALLY need your help on this one guys. So my fiance is the most wonderful man: good looking, funny, intelligent, caring and my best friend. He will make a fantastic husband and father, that I am sure of. The problem is me. He is inheriting the family farm, and he is very tied to his family because of this. He told me about these responsibilities on our second or third date, so I was fully aware, but perhaps I didn't appreciate the consequences. Initially I was working in the capital city and we had a long distance relationship but then, because of the economic situation in this country, I ended up losing my job. I stayed in the city for 6 months trying to get another job and didn't, so eventually I moved down to the much smaller town that is my now-fiances home place. I thought at that time, what have I got to lose? We have the best relationship I've ever had and, if it wasn't for my increasing worrying, everything would be perfect. So I've been in this small town now for nearly a year. We're engaged and planning a baby. I haven't worked in the area that I am qualified in, and for which I spent years studying, because while jobs are scarce in general in the whole country they are non-existent in this town. I even went back and did a night-course to try to increase my skills but still I am only able to find a low-paid job part-time. If I had stayed in the capital, or moved away, I would be earning lots of money by now I'm sure of it. Also, I haven't made very many friends here. My old friends are not far away (a 4 hours drive) but in this town I've only made friends with the wives and girlfriends of my fiances friends and they're not the same as my friends back home. I have spoken to him, obviously, at great lengths about this, as I am concerned about my future and generally totally freaked out about the marriage and the baby. I should be happy but sometimes I'm not. I feel scared for a future where I can't get a decent job. He does his best, and says he will work to support any of my needs and will give me money to do whatever I want to do. But what will I be able to do living in a rural area with no job and a baby? It's got so far I've thought about calling off the engagement but I love him dearly and it would literally break my heart. I also have no guarantee that the life I dream about back home even still exists for me, I could end up back there, flat broke and lonely. My friends might have moved on and the 'Sex & the City' lifestyle I used to have may not exist. I am happy here sometimes, especially whenever I am with my fiance, but when he is out working or when I think seriously about my future I get quite sad. He cann't leave the farm and never wants to. It's a beautiful place, and often in the here-and-now I'm contented here, but I feel like "oh no, this is it...forever!!" Do you think this is just nerves or something real? I'm terrified...I always thought that when I had children I'd have a solid career under my belt, money in the bank and the opportunity to go back to work if I'd wanted. There is a bigger city 2 hours drive away, which possibly I could get a job in, but I've applied for many and haven't been successful yet. If we have the baby and I take time out to be a stay-at-home mom, my resume will be dented by that, and by the last year working in a restaurant, so who will hire me? To make matters worse, we're in our early 30's and I don't have all the time in the world to procrastinate on this...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I can imagine your head is absolutely spinning! 

On one side, you have your dreams and expectations; a set of tangibles attributed to a lifestyle of sex in the city. Those include interesting and exciting places to go with interesting and exciting people, they include independence, exciting job, a sea of never boring new opportunities for enrichment to your life-restaurants, museums, theater, parks, special events.

But all of ^ hinges on a J O B and you don't have one AND you know it's highly unlikely you'll get one. 

On the other hand, country life awaits, with it's bucolic but predictable scenery, slower paced life style, limited selection of relationships and starting over building them, using a car to get to the store instead of walking two blocks (that's the part I hate!!!) 

This is not a matter of City vs. Country. 

This is a matter of adjusting what you expected from life and learning to want what you have. You can glamorize city life and being a working woman all you want, but without a job it's not going to happen.

Do you feel like your settling? If you had your job would you be willing to give it up to be with your fiancé? Since you don't have a job do you feel like you are being forced, by circumstances, to adjust to such a huge change?

Country life can be just as wonderful as city life. And keep in mind, if the zombie apocalypse comes, being in the city is a sure fire way to end up as dinner!!!!! <--- Walking Dead fan here...


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## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

That is such a good answer Anon Pink and, yes, my head is absolutely spinning! I feel there are plus's and minus's to each thing. My main problem is the situation of financial dependency that I am now in and that will only get worse when children arrive. I feel I have the potential to be able to contribute to the family but that because of circumstances and location I cannot. My children will only know me as a mother and not as someone who was once driven, capable and independent. My mother became dependent on my father under similar circumstances. He left her for another woman five years later and she ended up with nothing: no friends, no job and no life. I'm so terrified, I just wish I'd thought the whole thing through sooner before we got a house together and got engaged. On the other hand you cannot imagine what a great guy he is - seriously, I mean he's one of those "whatta man" (Salt n Peppa song!!) guys. I don't think he'd ever leave like my father did, but I guess you never know with these things. Having my own life was the most important thing to me in the world, since I was a little girl - I always said I'd never be dependent on a man and now look at the mess I'm in!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You don't have to break up, but definitely put the wedding and baby plans on hold. Sounds to me like you and your fiancé just have some very fundamental (and mutually exclusive) goals in life. He wants to be a small-town farmer and you want to be a sophisticated city dweller. Neither is wrong, but they just don't work together.

Believe me, you have no idea what sacrifice is until you have a baby. Whatever you are feeling now will intensify many times over. My experience tells me that this arrangement will not work. Despite what movies and love songs tell you, love is not enough. Compatibility is a requirement for a happy marriage. This issue isn't a small one like disagreeing on what color to paint the bedroom, it is a marriage killer.

Don't just plow ahead here. Stop the process and address these issues head on.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

bluebellwoods said:


> Having my own life was the most important thing to me in the world, since I was a little girl


If this is how you feel, marriage may not be the right path for you. While both parties should keep their separate identities, you marry to build a life together. Sacrifice is always involved. If you do it right, the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices. If you do it wrong, you end up in misery.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think you should do it and then star in a reality show about the city girl trying to make it on a farm.

But seriously, there's no easy answer. The lifestyle you want and the lifestyle he wants really are kind of mutually exclusive. If you want to stay with him, you're going to have to change your expectations about life, and that's not easy.

One thing I would consider -- as you yourself hinted at, it's true that the "Sex and the City lifestyle" won't be there forever -- it wouldn't be even if you had stayed. People get older, they change, they stop having the energy and the time to go out all the time. Even people who live in the city with kids find themselves having to adjust their expectations from life quite a lot (I know because I am one of them). In fact, before I had kids I was one of those "suburbs = death" people, but now I actually understand the appeal (even though we're not doing it). 

All that said, rural life is somewhat on the extreme end of things. The only way to make it work, I think, would be to find aspects of it that you like, to find ways to make it your own, whether it's getting involved in farm work, crafts, etc. Or maybe starting some kind of internet business that could be run remotely, or writing, or whatever. The city life is just not going to come to you in the country no matter what, so if you choose to do it, you have to find ways to make it work.

BUT, you don't have to do it. I wouldn't blame you for not being able to do it. It's a very difficult choice.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriage first, then baby.

Adjust to married life before adjusting to motherhood. I cannot stress this enough.

I agree with the above post. Your life as a mother and a wife running a farm can be way more fullfilling than a sex and the city life, working mom, drop the kids in daycare rat race.

Plus, you are experiencing the reality of married life in that earning a living is a practical reality that must occur.... And your man has a way of doing that. Your dream is just that... Not a reality.

Quote from above....I could not say things better than t his.
"This is a matter of adjusting what you expected from life and learning to want what you have"


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I do wonder about this statement:

"I had stayed in the capital, or moved away, I would be earning lots of money by now I'm sure of it. "

What makes you so sure of it? What field were you in? I know people with law degrees, finance degrees, smart people in many fields who have struggled in the current economy. A guy at my current employer used to work in big investment banks and now has taken a job that's usually reserved for people right out of college. 

Also, I watch a lot of career women hit the point when they have kids and suddenly feel like "what the heck am I doing, I work all the time and my expensive nanny see the baby more than I do." A lot of women like this who can afford to (because they have husbands who make enough) wind up scaling back their work -- quitting, taking a few years off, maybe starting some kind of business where they can work from home. So there are some upsides to already having a situation where you don't have to worry about that when you have kids.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

bluebellwoods said:


> That is such a good answer Anon Pink and, yes, my head is absolutely spinning! I feel there are plus's and minus's to each thing. My main problem is the situation of financial dependency that I am now in and that will only get worse when children arrive.
> !


That absolute interdpendence on your spouse is a key to a successful marriage, fulfillment in your marriage and happiness. It is not a bad thing. You will offer things that your husband is abosultely dependent on you for. Such as fufillment and happiness and a mother to his children.



bluebellwoods said:


> I feel I have the potential to be able to contribute to the family but that because of circumstances and location I cannot. My children will only know me as a mother and not as someone who was once driven, capable and independent.
> !


The greatest gift you can give your children is that they know you as mother. There is no child on this earth that wants to view her mother as driven, capable and independent. Children want to view their family as bedrock, with the mother having importance and the father having importance... Parents complementing each other and bringing something different to the family making it stronger as a unit.



bluebellwoods said:


> My mother became dependent on my father under similar circumstances. He left her for another woman five years later and she ended up with nothing: no friends, no job and no life. I'm so terrified, I just wish I'd thought the whole thing through sooner before we got a house together and got engaged.
> !


You don't konw what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe your mother was a mean ***** and not sexual with him. You really don't know. But if you are a good wife, and you choose a good man, and treat him well, you will really not have to worry about this.



bluebellwoods said:


> On the other hand you cannot imagine what a great guy he is - seriously, I mean he's one of those "whatta man" (Salt n Peppa song!!) guys. I don't think he'd ever leave like my father did, but I guess you never know with these things. Having my own life was the most important thing to me in the world, since I was a little girl - I always said I'd never be dependent on a man and now look at the mess I'm in!


If you never want to be dependent on a man, then you should not get married. It's a horrible attitude and belief system for a wife. It will lead to nothing but misery for yourself and your man and your children. Husbands need to be dependent on their wives and wives need to be dependent on their husbands. With no ability to fail, you will make damn sure that your marriage is successful. If you always have a way out, then you won't try to hard as a wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bluebellwoods said:


> That is such a good answer Anon Pink and, yes, my head is absolutely spinning! I feel there are plus's and minus's to each thing. My main problem is the situation of financial dependency that I am now in and that will only get worse when children arrive. I feel I *have the potential to be able to contribute to the family but that because of circumstances and location I cannot.* My children will *only know me as a mother *and not as someone who was once driven, capable and independent.


Why do you place such little value on the traditional role of motherhood? 




> My mother became dependent on my father under similar circumstances. He left her for another woman five years later and she ended up with nothing: no friends, no job and no life.I'm so terrified,



Maybe your view is tainted by your mothers unfortunate circumstances. If this is what you write about, it might be worth some honest thinking about how she came to be friendless, jobless, alone. Was your mother a generally happy person or did she frequently lament her loneliness and lack of resources? How did that affect your view of traditional motherhood?

Had you been raised by a single mother who made motherhood look loving and fun, a woman who found meaning and fulfillment with being a mother and surrounding herself with good people might have given you a different view?



> On the other hand you cannot imagine what a great guy he is - seriously, I mean he's one of those "whatta man" (Salt n Peppa song!!) guys. I don't think he'd ever leave like my father did, but I guess you never know with these things. Having my own life was the most important thing to me in the world, since I was a little girl -* I always said I'd never be dependent on a man and now look at the mess I'm in!*


You're not in a mess! You're scared because you are about to change your future and it's not a future you have positive experiences with.

With a solid relationship with the man you love, you can adjust to anything. But you first must recognize that what you thought you knew, you actually don't. And what you thought you didn't know, about a loving husband, you actually do?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If you want to contribute more than just being a "traditional wife and mother" -- maybe there are ways you could get involved with the business of the farm? Are you good at selling? Maybe you can sell goods from the farm at a local farmers' market. Maybe you can learn to do the bookkeeping. Maybe you can develop a product made from your farm goods and sell it online.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> But if you are a good wife, and you choose a good man, and treat him well, you will really not have to worry about this.


 Sounds like something Sister Mary Francis's would tell her home Ec class...if you add say the rosary and pray every day.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Hicks said:


> If you never want to be dependent on a man, then you should not get married. It's a horrible attitude and belief system for a wife. It will lead to nothing but misery for yourself and your man and your children. Husbands need to be dependent on their wives and wives need to be dependent on their husbands. With no ability to fail, you will make damn sure that your marriage is successful. If you always have a way out, then you won't try to hard as a wife.


I don't agree with this, fwiw. I think the divorce rate is too high for a woman to not think a little bit practically -- to have some kind of fallback plan in mind. It takes two people to make sure a marriage is successful, and she can only control one of them. I can't imagine you would suggest the same for a man -- that he shouldn't worry about having any kind of job skills or career if he marries a woman who can support him.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Leave him now or leave him later. Decide which of those will be easier and take it. 

Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people can make a success of what you are about to do. However, some can't. 

I live in a large city. I walk everywhere. Everything I need is nearby. I love that but not everyone would. When my son was born, we moved to the suburbs. When I got divorced, I wanted to live in the city again. I'm glad I moved back. 

The point is you need to be true to yourself. And decide what that is. I wouldn't have wanted to rear my child in the city, although there are people who do that, but I am very happy to be back here. 

I couldn't live in the country and I've always known that. It was hard enough living in the suburbs for decades. I certainly didn't love it. But I can bloom where I'm planted when I have to. Can you be happy doing that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This arrangement is not going to work for you long term. It is true that motherhood is important, but you want to have your own career as well. That's who you are, and if you give that up it will only breed resentment down the road as the years go by. Then when you decide to leave you'll be labeled a walk away wife that must be having an affair. This is a fundamental difference that you can't get around; your life will revolve around him and his farm. Some women would be fine with that; you will not be. Go find someone with a compatible lifestyle and let him do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Your kids aren't going to give a damn that you were driven or independent. They are going to care that you are a good MOM! Period. 

Fancy careers are so overrated when it comes at the expense of having a great relationship with someone. 

I have a good career but I would give it up in a heartbeat for the kind of circumstances you describe.


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## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

I think if you stay, what your children will learn about you as they grow up, is that this is what their mother chose. She had an education and career, and when she married their father, she realized that a family was a higher priority than a job. They will see that you were capable of both, and the choice you made was them and their father. As long as you can be happy with your choice, your children will see there are two options. 

You really do need to sit down, and think about what this life sitting before you can offer you and if you might have regrets. Does the family farm pay enough to take care of your husband, you, and future kids? Will it afford to pay for vacations to see places maybe you still want to see? Can you be happy trading in shopping, movies, eating out, dancing, ect that the city offers? 

Small town living is not for everyone. I hated it (moving from L.A. to small town MO) for a few years. Then I realized I hated it because my husband hates it. I realized I am actually happy here, and I don't mind having to drive an hour and a half to go out to a movie and nice restaurant every month or two. We don't DO that much, so it doesn't affect me that much. Sometimes I even drive the 140miles round trip for dog classes once a week for a couple months at a time. My husband only hates it, not because it's a small town, but because it was so far from his family.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

bluebellwoods said:


> So I've been in this small town now for nearly a year. We're engaged and planning a baby


Don't have a baby please, you are heading for disaster, it is not necessary to create even more misery for your possible children.

You will be locked up and eventually want to break free. If he goes with you now or eventually he will be resentful forever.

No possibility of happiness in this setup.


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## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

Thanks again everyone. It seems like there's no consensus, obviously because I should try to figure this one out by myself. The thing is, I've tried! I've agonised, talked to friends (who are 50/50!!), spent weekends away trying to think and get some space. It always comes back to my deciding that he is the man for me, and then being happy for a while, and then something will come up in terms of money (we don't have much) and I will go back around the circle of guilt, frustration and resentment about the fact that I can't earn much money to help out. The fact that was pointed out about me not necessarily being able to find a great job in the city is true - there are no guarantees. Plus, I always thought that if I did have children I wouldn't want a high-stress life of dropping them off to daycare and never being able to be there for them if they were ill or needed me. Then the flipside is that then there will be only one income, and my fiance's income is not very high. He works full time and farms in the evenings, but neither bring in much money at the moment. It's so frustrating! I feel I have to make these massive decisions about my life and I'm unable to do so. I hate myself for just not being able to be sure about something, and for possibly wasting my time and his. Then he'll walk in the door with a big hug and a smile and I find it impossible to contemplate leaving. But what about when all the love wears off and all we have is a small farm, I have no career and we have no money for date nights or holidays (we don't even have enough money for our wedding now!)? I'm so stressed that I've been seeing a doctor and I have physical manifestations (irregular periods, headaches and insomnia). Money worries coupled with the stress and guilt of not knowing what is best for my life, plus the 'ticking clock' issue that comes from my age is too much for me to deal with.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Only you know whether you can make the sacrifices necessary to make farm life work. There's really no right answer -- this is a situation where you have to make a choice and commit to whichever choice you make. The commitment after you make the choice is the key to happiness -- whichever option you choose you commit to making that one work and don't look back. If you choose the farm life, you have to find ways of making it fulfilling and satisfying for yourself and let go of the other life you wanted. If you choose not to marry him, you have to let him go. He's attached to a certain kind of life. You have a right to be attached to a certain kind of life that doesn't fit with his life. But you have to accept that if you choose the other life, he doesn't come with it, just like he would have to accept that staying on the farm would mean losing you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

bluebellwoods said:


> Thanks again everyone. It seems like there's no consensus, obviously because I should try to figure this one out by myself. The thing is, I've tried! I've agonised, talked to friends (who are 50/50!!), spent weekends away trying to think and get some space. It always comes back to my deciding that he is the man for me, and then being happy for a while, and then something will come up in terms of money (we don't have much) and I will go back around the circle of guilt, frustration and resentment about the fact that I can't earn much money to help out. The fact that was pointed out about me not necessarily being able to find a great job in the city is true - there are no guarantees. Plus, I always thought that if I did have children I wouldn't want a high-stress life of dropping them off to daycare and never being able to be there for them if they were ill or needed me. Then the flipside is that then there will be only one income, and my fiance's income is not very high. He works full time and farms in the evenings, but neither bring in much money at the moment. It's so frustrating! I feel I have to make these massive decisions about my life and I'm unable to do so. I hate myself for just not being able to be sure about something, and for possibly wasting my time and his. Then he'll walk in the door with a big hug and a smile and I find it impossible to contemplate leaving. But what about when all the love wears off and all we have is a small farm, I have no career and we have no money for date nights or holidays (we don't even have enough money for our wedding now!)? I'm so stressed that I've been seeing a doctor and I have physical manifestations (irregular periods, headaches and insomnia). Money worries coupled with the stress and guilt of not knowing what is best for my life, plus the 'ticking clock' issue that comes from my age is too much for me to deal with.


One Super Lesson I have learned in life:

When in Doubt, Don't Do It.

In never fails.


Something I read sometime ago, it's also on Youtube:

Use a coin to make decisions, flip it and take that decision.

Check with yourself if you would like to have another try, what is your feeling saying about that.

If you would, then the other decision is the right one, you don't actually throw the coin the second time.


It is very obvious that parts of you are screaming to you not to do this! Your body and mind are literally trying to Physically stop you from entering this situation.


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