# Newly married, wife thinks I initiate sex too much. Turns her off



## iheartlamps (Jan 4, 2009)

I am posting this because my wife and I are having an issue. I am going to try to get her to post here as well. She can explain her feelings better then I can explain her feelings and I'm hoping this community can help is resolve some problems we are having. My marriage is anything but traditional. I am a 24 years old and active duty in the military, my wife is 23 years old and has just graduated college last May. We have only known each other since the end of march of this year. We met online on a dating site and hit it off really well. She lived about 2 hours away from my base. I would drive down to her apartment off campus every weekend to be with her. After she graduated she was moving closer to where I work (1 hour away). We were looking for apartments one day and the subject of a financial military marriage came up. We both agreed that it would be mutually beneficial for us and decided to get married. June 5 we were wed, soon after we moved in together. We both agreed we would still take it slow. Not announce it to friends/family until we were 100% certain we were right for each other and had a ceremony. We would be married but still realize we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

That being said we are in love, I have never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. At first I thought our relationship quite odd, but now I love the fact that she is my wife. She brings out the best in me and I love her so much.

Our issue is that I love when we have sex. I suppose I have a high sex drive, I could easily have sex everyday, multiple times per day and love it. My wife is more content to a few times a week or so. There is no real quantifiable number. She just doesn't like that I initiate so much and want to always have sex with her. It really bothers her. She thinks we need to have less sex and make it more quality then quantity. I don't see why we can't have both. She has explained to me has multiple times I have tried to have sex with her when she is not in the mood, but because I am persistent she gives in just to get me to stop. It's hard for me to not hit on her and want to be with her, she is incredibly beautiful and intoxicating. I hate that she feels this way though and it hurts me that the situation is the way it is. When she does reject me she says I get upset and end up pouting. She's not wrong, I don't like being rejected. It hurts my feelings. I know it is something I need to work on though.

Tonight my wife and I got into an arguement over bondage. I enjoy some light bondage play, tying her up, blindfold, etc. she thinks it is weird and cannot stand it. I said that I wish she would compromise every now and then and do it for me. She said no and that asking me to do something she doesnt enjoy is completely undermining her feelings. This spilled over into me always wanting to have sex and it turning her off and makin her mad because I always am trying to get laid. I think it's unfair she won't even do it for me, it's not as though it's every time we have sex. It might be once or twice a month I get the urge. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would try to please my wife if she had a fantasy or fetish.

Could anyone offer some advice for our situation?
P.S. It is late at night, I know I rambled a bit. I hope I got my issue across though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

from reading others words on this site and from my own experience it seems fairly common for there to be a mismatch in desire levels, with hubby often having a higher drive. It is somewhere couples have to find a way forward that keeps both happy enough.

I started married life thinking it might happen every night but soon came to realise that several times a week was the most I could hope for. Still surprisingly active and very happy after 35 years so:smthumbup:

I think it is often the case in married life that 'the best can be the enemy of the good'. So I would not try to push her into anything she does not want.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

whats funny is she says you shouldnt ask her to do something she doesnt want to do but she has no problem asking you to not do something you want to do. mismatched drives r a big problem i would proceed with extreme caution before i got in to deep to get out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

See if your wife will agree with you that when one of you initiates, the other person will not say no, but gets to decide how things happen. In other words, if you want to play and she doesn't, she'll agree, but she can say, "I'd like to take our time and make it romantic" or she can say, "A ten-minute quickie is all I have time for." 

As far as the bondage, I'd give that some time. This can be a very ticklish for some people because it hits on some vulnerabilities that can be deeply psychological. Instead of trying to tie her up, maybe pin her arms and see how she reacts. If she likes it, you can later say casually, "you seemed to like that. I bet you'd love handcuffs" and plant the seed. Slowly introduce ideas like that verbally in a non-threatening way and I bet she'll come around. It may take a while, though.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm gonna do you a big favor. Go read here and buy the book. Also, start reading Roisssy.

Your sex drive is completely normal. Your wife's failure to respond indicates she's just not that into you. Read the above and go through all the articles. You'll be in the driver's seat.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

A few times a week is probably the average amount of sex for a good relationship. I agree that being too pushy/needy will only build resentment. Just try to be creative and find ways to meet in the middle. Sounds like things are going well, don't get too greedy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

All I can add is that if the issue of frequency is a huge issue for you, don't have kids with this woman until you decide if you can live the rest of your life with this level of frequency or LESS!

Children are a time consuming libidio crushing commitment. Be very careful here!


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

This is pretty common, but your entire approach needs looking at. As others have said, being so pushy and demanding is only going to create resentment from your wife.

You didn't mention what you do _before_ sex. I'm a big believer in wining and dining, and in planning things out beforehand. OK, you can't do that all the time, but you can shoot for once a week or once a fortnight. 

As for the frequency in general, I think simply taking some of the importance from it will help. Yes, I know its important - I'm a guy myself   But if you are talking about it and asking about it every day, it is just going to turn her off. Step back, make sure you spend quality time together and see what happens. You might be surprised.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

iheartlamps said:


> ...
> We were looking for apartments one day and the subject of a financial military marriage came up. We both agreed that it would be mutually beneficial for us and decided to get married.
> .....
> Not announce it to friends/family until we were 100% certain we were right for each other and had a ceremony. We would be married but still realize we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
> ...


The above tells me you are on the fast lane to perdition.

Completely skipping the building of a relation, trust, bonding etc. etc. I pity your 'wife' who is also completely lost. 
Incredible.

Do yourselves a favor and split. Then grow up and try to build a mature relation. :scratchhead:


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