# Doubting my decision



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

I left my brand new husband about a month ago after he got violent while drunk one day. I mostly feel really strong about it, like I stood up for myself. But some days, I wonder if I made the wrong decision. He was an alcoholic and a pill popper, but he also was very sweet when he was sober. The problem was that after we married, his alcoholism got worse. And his pill use got worse. 

Should I have stood by him despite him saying he didn't have a problem? Now, in our divorce after only 3 months of marriage, he's demanding money. And I've got a restraining order against him. I'm trying to get out and date casually again as well to just feel better. But part of me has that nagging question in the back of my mind... Did I throw away my marriage because he got drunk and out of control?


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Stresscase37 said:


> Did I throw away my marriage because he got drunk and out of control?


No


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Oh Lord help you! Don't date, end abusive marriage, and work on you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

You "threw away" your marriage because he is an abusive violent addict. You did the right thing. Never doubt that for a second!

However, I second whoever posted above that it is waaaay too early for you to be dating other people. Just get this one annulled if you can, and THEN move on. And don't have any second thoughts. It only gets worse from there.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

I'm trying for annulment but he's pushing for divorce. In CA it's difficult to do the annulment. But I'm trying.

RE: the dating, yeah I'm not trying to find the one or get a bf. I'm just going out to dinner and working on feeling good again and getting my self esteem up again.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You chose to divorce a violent, pill-addicted alcoholic that is demanding money from you (is he wanting an even split, a payout, or alimony?) now that your relationship is at an end -- you made the right decision.

Marrying him in the first place, though?

Not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

It sounds like you were very smart to get out when you did.

Most alcoholics and/or abusers are sweet in the in between, at least at first. Likely his problem was always the "worse" version, and he just didn't let you see it before the wedding.

If that's what he was like in the newlywed phase, and he's demanding money now, then it's extremely likely it would only have gotten worse over time. I think that shows pretty clearly what he was after all along.

Don't go back, get your annulment.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> You chose to divorce a violent, pill-addicted alcoholic that is demanding money from you (is he wanting an even split, a payout, or alimony?) now that your relationship is at an end -- you made the right decision.
> 
> Marrying him in the first place, though?
> 
> ...


I wish he showed those signs while we were together prior to getting married. He hid a lot of stuff very well.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> It sounds like you were very smart to get out when you did.
> 
> Most alcoholics and/or abusers are sweet in the in between, at least at first. Likely his problem was always the "worse" version, and he just didn't let you see it before the wedding.
> 
> ...


Yeah I didn't get to see that side prior to the wedding. I knew he drank socially, even a bit much at times, but I passed it off as him having a rough day. 

Literally the first week after the wedding, all hell seemed to have broken loose. And it just never got better. His family never shared any of the details of what he'd done previously and he sure as hell didn't share his history of addiction with me. 

The reason I ask myself if I made a mistake is that he was so charming and sweet in between these episodes. Maybe it's trite, but I think about those times and wonder if I could've fixed things, or fixed him. He just didn't admit anything was wrong, that he had any problem, or that he had anything to fix. He'd blame everyone else. It's difficult to leave someone you love and to say ok, I can't be the person to take all of this on for him. He has to do it himself. I still wish him well in life, I just don't think I can go down that road after that last episode.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Stresscase37 said:


> Yeah I didn't get to see that side prior to the wedding. I knew he drank socially, even a bit much at times, but I passed it off as him having a rough day.
> 
> Literally the first week after the wedding, all hell seemed to have broken loose. And it just never got better. His family never shared any of the details of what he'd done previously and he sure as hell didn't share his history of addiction with me.
> 
> The reason I ask myself if I made a mistake is that he was so charming and sweet in between these episodes. Maybe it's trite, but *I think about those times and wonder if I could've fixed things, or fixed him.* He just didn't admit anything was wrong, that he had any problem, or that he had anything to fix. He'd blame everyone else. It's difficult to leave someone you love and to say ok, I can't be the person to take all of this on for him. He has to do it himself. I still wish him well in life, I just don't think I can go down that road after that last episode.


Nope.

You can never "fix" anyone other than yourself.

Never.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Stresscase37 said:


> Yeah I didn't get to see that side prior to the wedding. I knew he drank socially, even a bit much at times, but I passed it off as him having a rough day.
> 
> Literally the first week after the wedding, all hell seemed to have broken loose. And it just never got better. His family never shared any of the details of what he'd done previously and he sure as hell didn't share his history of addiction with me.
> 
> The reason I ask myself if I made a mistake is that he was so charming and sweet in between these episodes. Maybe it's trite, but I think about those times and wonder if I could've fixed things, or fixed him. He just didn't admit anything was wrong, that he had any problem, or that he had anything to fix. He'd blame everyone else. It's difficult to leave someone you love and to say ok, I can't be the person to take all of this on for him. He has to do it himself. I still wish him well in life, I just don't think I can go down that road after that last episode.


Those kind of people will NEVER show their true colors until after they feel they have their hooks in you good and well. And when they do, even then it's always someone else's fault, or your fault, or a bad childhood. Whatever. After that, they appeal to your sense of pity, of honor (marriage vows). It's just manipulation, pure and simple.

The next stage is when the charming and sweet times get fewer and further between. Those are only to keep you coming back for more.

It's not on you. They are the sucky ones. Looking out for someone you love to stab you in the back, is not something most average people do. That foresight usually only comes with bad experiences.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening OP
you did the right thing leaving a violent addict. As others have said, it would have only gotten worse. 

Whether or not you feel like dating now is entirely up to you. You know to be careful about getting involved in anything long term, but certainly meet people and enjoy yourself if that is what you feel like doing.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You did the right thing...it's difficult and you will question yourself. Violence is always a walk away issue.

I wish I would have listened to my gut early. I have almost 3 years into our marriage. Last month, he showed his true colors and I was shocked. 

I wish I hadn't stayed as long. Life is to short to be married to someone that doesn't treat you with respect and honor.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> Those kind of people will NEVER show their true colors until after they feel they have their hooks in you good and well. And when they do, even then it's always someone else's fault, or your fault, or a bad childhood. Whatever. After that, they appeal to your sense of pity, of honor (marriage vows). It's just manipulation, pure and simple.
> 
> The next stage is when the charming and sweet times get fewer and further between. Those are only to keep you coming back for more.
> 
> It's not on you. They are the sucky ones. Looking out for someone you love to stab you in the back, is not something most average people do. That foresight usually only comes with bad experiences.


The charming manipulative stuff is what really gets me. It was hard leaving because this stuff just sticks in my mind. I go back to the memories of the "good" times and am starting to wonder if those were manipulations for everything else.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> You did the right thing...it's difficult and you will question yourself. Violence is always a walk away issue.
> 
> I wish I would have listened to my gut early. I have almost 3 years into our marriage. Last month, he showed his true colors and I was shocked.
> 
> I wish I hadn't stayed as long. Life is to short to be married to someone that doesn't treat you with respect and honor.


Yeah it's difficult. I wasn't prepared for any of this and so I go back and wonder if I'm making a big deal of it all.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Just do the divorce, whatever is the quickest way to be legally free of this loser. Face it, you made a mistake, you never should have married him but messing around trying to annul the marriage is a time-waster and will keep you in limbo.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why on earth did you marry him in the first place if you knew he was an alcoholic and pill popper?


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Stresscase37 said:


> Yeah it's difficult. I wasn't prepared for any of this and so I go back and wonder if I'm making a big deal of it all.


What you saw was a sneak preview of what was to come later.... at an increasing rate.

Damaged people bandage themselves up really well.... your H has done this before.

He hid it until you were M. Had you learned prior to M, grab your stuff and bye-bye.

He will try to manipulate you back. Stop his actions with "Go to AA and NA, maybe awhile down the road "

He has to face these fears. And you need a D asap. 

Set your boundaries and go NC / 180.

Consider yourself lucky.... he could have hid this long enough for kids to be involved


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

aine said:


> Why on earth did you marry him in the first place if you knew he was an alcoholic and pill popper?


Because I thought the pill use was just because he had hurt himself. But then it got worse and worse very rapidly.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people are sociopaths -- very good at concealing who they really are until you're hooked. Now that you know who he really is, you need to move on and not look back. Don't think the good times are worth the bad times. They aren't. And don't think you can change him. You can't. 

You're fortunate you found out as soon as you did. Many don't. So look at it as a learning experience and close that chapter of your life (you should watch out for that kind of behavior in the future -- even if it's subtle in the beginning -- because he may be the type you're attracted to).


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You aren't making a big deal of anything. In fact, I admire that you woke up and took action instead of excusing the situation. 

Often, after we are out of the environment/person's life we reevaluate. "What could I have done different?" We all do this...or maybe some do. 

Anyway, his drug/alcohol use would have escalated. It's a progressive disease. It doesn't get better unless the person begins to make different choices. 

Better to let him go and move on. Painful..yes! Painful in the future as well, if you would have stayed.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

No, I think in this case, your gut instincts were saving you from a bad marriage. He was sweet, sure, but he got comfortable and abused alcohol and drugs and became violent. Red flag! It is apparent that he wouldn't quit and who knows, what if one day the violence gets worse and he ends up hurting you? And if he's demanding money now, then yeah he isn't worth it. You were only married for 3 months, so I doubt he will get anything anyway.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stresscase37 said:


> Yeah I didn't get to see that side prior to the wedding. I knew he drank socially, even a bit much at times, but I passed it off as him having a rough day.
> 
> Literally the first week after the wedding, all hell seemed to have broken loose. And it just never got better. His family never shared any of the details of what he'd done previously and he sure as hell didn't share his history of addiction with me.
> 
> *The reason I ask myself if I made a mistake is that he was so charming and sweet in between these episodes.* Maybe it's trite, but I think about those times and wonder if I could've fixed things, or fixed him. He just didn't admit anything was wrong, that he had any problem, or that he had anything to fix. He'd blame everyone else. It's difficult to leave someone you love and to say ok, I can't be the person to take all of this on for him. He has to do it himself. I still wish him well in life, I just don't think I can go down that road after that last episode.


Most abusers do not show that side of them until after marriage. They figure that once married they have you trapped. I learned this the hard way too.

The bolded & underlined part is why so many people stay with abusers for too long. It’s a form of seduction used by abusers. They do not abuse all the time. Look up “cycle of abuse”. Sometimes they are very charming and loving. Then they go into an abusive phase. Then they get very nice again. After all, if they were abusive monsters all the time no one who stay around them at all. So they have to compensate in some way for the abuse by being charming/loving. The purpose of abuse is to control the victim. What the cycle of abuse does is to physiologically break the victim until they are so unsure of themselves that the abuser can control them. IT’s very insidious.

You are one smart cookie for leaving the first time this happens. You were right to leave. Stop second guessing yourself. Remember when you start to second guess yourself that his little game of seduction/abuse is working on you at the times when you second guess yourself. 

What money is he asking you for?

Have you talked to a lawyer about whether or not you can get an annulment? I’m not sure that you can in Cali under the circumstances. But who cares what he wants. You do not need his cooperation for either a divorce or an annulment.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Money after only 3 months ? Insane !! Your STBWXH committed fraud to get you to marry him. 

Adult decisions are hard. Adults make and keep them. 
Welcome to adulthood. Your doing great.


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

EleGirl;What money is he asking you for?
Have you talked to a lawyer about whether or not you can get an annulment? I’m not sure that you can in Cali under the circumstances. But who cares what he wants. You do not need his cooperation for either a divorce or an annulment.[/QUOTE said:


> He's demanding money for his own bills after separation in addition to spousal support.
> 
> Our attorneys know he won't get spousal support. I asked for annulment and he's asked for divorce. But he's demanding I drop the restraining order in addition to a laundry list of things he wants me to pay for to go along with the annulment. I'm inclined to say no and push for the permanent order and move on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stresscase37 said:


> He's demanding money for his own bills after separation in addition to spousal support.
> 
> Our attorneys know he won't get spousal support. I asked for annulment and he's asked for divorce. But he's demanding I drop the restraining order in addition to a laundry list of things he wants me to pay for to go along with the annulment. I'm inclined to say no and push for the permanent order and move on.


It sound like your plan is the best one.

Does he make a lot less than you do?

Does he want interim support until the divorce is final? Or is he asking for spousal support after the divorce? I rather doubt he can get spousal support after the divorce since you two have been married only a few weeks.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tell him you signed up to be a W, NOT his mom. He's been in this spot before... trust me.

DO NOT drop the RO. Best to push this through ASAP. He is nothing but a pill popping drunk

trying to leech off of someone.

Not sure on annulment laws but maybe it can be done even after D is final..... he knows you want this A'd

but wants you to pay him to sign. Screw that.....


----------



## Stresscase37 (Dec 14, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Tell him you signed up to be a W, NOT his mom. He's been in this spot before... trust me.
> 
> DO NOT drop the RO. Best to push this through ASAP. He is nothing but a pill popping drunk
> 
> ...


Yeah I want it done and over with. I'm willing to just do the divorce if it means protecting myself. But it's become very clear that he just thinks he can try to continue to hurt me by demanding I support him.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I seriously doubt he is doing this to try to hurt you. Rather he is selfish and sees you as a piggy bank. History has taught him that belligerence and bullying are effective tools to get what he wants. Naturally if his piggy bank is trying to run away squealing he'll use his charming personality to try to intimidate it back onto his dresser next to the pills and booze where it belongs. You are a mere bystander. Sorry but that's probably the bottom line.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Are there religious reasons for asking for an annulment? Not that you don't have legal grounds, I was just wondering.

And I take it from his "demands" that he is not in treatment for his addiction, right?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He can demand anything he wants in this life but that doesn't make it mean anything. He can demand that you sign over your checking account and bark like a dog, but so what? Who the hvll cares what he demands?

Bullies bully. That's what they do. If he wants to be a pr!ck go through with a divorce, but do not drop the RO. That's his ticket to showing up and alternating between bullying and charming.

And the longer you let this go on the more likely baby will get spousal support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

With his actions and..... addictions, does he act reckless, impulsive? Maybe he can slip up and get put

in the pokey. If so.... it would be hard for him to demand anything or to defend his actions behind bars

if you get an A! In this case, you could say, sign the A papers and I'll bail you out of jail.

But only AFTER the A is recorded at the courthouse.


----------

