# Wife lost sex drive after baby... : (



## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

New guy here. Found this forum after doing a search online for other folks comments on spouses not wanting sex. A little background info on us.

I the hubby am 42, in great shape, I run and bike. She is 38 and was in the fitness industry. Although she is having a hard time losing the baby weight I still find her intensely attractive and want to be with her in the same manner as before. Our son is going on 24 months. Before the baby we had a great sex life. 2 or 3 times a week and it was passionate, intense and we enjoyed exploring each others and doing everything to each other and I mean everything. Don't want to get too explicit. 

After baby was born I naturally gave her time to heal up ( 2 months ) and took it easy whenever we did do something. That's when I noticed that she wasn't initiating anything anymore. Shes lost her affection. It's gotten worse and we've been arguing and fighting a lot about things that we should be able to just agree on and do or just talk it out. 

I work a shift that is mid morning to late evening. Before I leave to work I help her with the baby / toddler and when I get home I bathe him and put him to sleep. We don;t have any family members that can watch the baby overnight or anything so we can get away. We have not had time for us or a date night since the baby was born. I believe I am doing the right thing in working and providing for my family. Things are tough in this economy. She is a SAHM so we are just making ends meet on my income. I often leave home projects for night time that I can do in the garage while baby is asleep so I can help her. 

I can count the number of times we have been together physically on both my hands since baby was born. Although i can understand that being a full time mom is hard work. I am getting tired of the excuses ( im tired, headache, stomach ache, don;t feel like it, time of month, haven't shaved, and blah blah blah ). I haven't gotten any affection and she would rather spend 3 hours on her Ipad at night than be with me. When we do something its her just being there and telling me to hurry up. I can't do that anymore. What's a guy to do?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have you been able to rule out any prolonged postpartum depression?


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

over20 said:


> Have you been able to rule out any prolonged postpartum depression?



No. I have talked to her about asking her Dr about this and her low libido. She will not, just a stubborn person.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Is she showing signs of depression? 

Do you think she doesn't want to because she knows your right?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What you describe, as painful and frustrating as it is for you, is unfortunately very common with new mothers.

I think it's a combination of new role taking over her life, being overwhelmed, being hormonal, being bored with the tedium... It's not any one thing but a lot of things. And it's not something you've done but probably something you both have neglected to do.

You're going to have to be both understanding and insistent that she try to get her sex drive back. Get her to be honest about her temporary (and it is temporary) loss of attraction toward you. Her attraction to you and her sex drive are intertwined and they both have to be worked on together.

You MUST get time alone with her, outside of the house away from the baby. Every. Single. Week! And you both have a lot of catching up to do since it's been a very long time since you've been out together with out the baby.

After you've been making time alone together a priority again, maybe in 2-3 months, take a weekend away.

Everyday you two need to spend time together. No splitting chores in different sections of the house. Tell her to put her IPad away and come spend time with you. She needs to agree to this plan to get your marriage back on track. She needs to understand this distance between you two, if allowed to go unchallenged, will be the death knell of the marriage. This is important! So sit down and talk to her and let her know she needs to find ways to increase your togetherness too.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is this the first child for both of you? Thirty-eight is quite old to have a first child. It could be shock for her to have her body change. After my first daughter was born my ex was very anxious to have sex as soon as possible because she wanted to know if everything was ok physically. Labor was hard for her.

If your wife had a caesarian, that could be depressing her.

Is she breast feeding your daughter?

How long have you been married?

Was she in a rush to marry because of her age?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Did your wife's life change drastically after the baby? Mine did. I went from having a job and friends to staying in my house day in and day out. I had no family around, we lived in an older neighborhood with no other moms around, we didn't have money for sitters. Even though I loved my baby I got depressed, it felt like a tedious prison. Then came the guilt because shouldn't I have been completely fulfilled now that I had a baby? Wasn't I the lucky one who got to stay home with my child? Guilt and boredom are not aphrodisiacs. 

One day I had enough, I looked into play groups, moms day out clubs, book clubs, anything to get out of the house that was free and gave me something to look forward to. I think we forget that in the old days all the moms stayed home and there was plenty of support from neighbors and family after a baby came along. The highlight of her day shouldn't be an hour or two on the iPad while you give the baby a bath. 

We also started having an eleven year old watch the baby outside of our house on the weekends while were still home. No stress because we were still there, it was cheap because she was only eleven, and we had some downtime together. If you don't have time to connect as a couple the sex life will suffer.

Both of you need to get to the bottom of this with as little finger pointing as possible. Unless you think she is purposely trying to hurt you....then you have much bigger problems.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

over20 said:


> Is she showing signs of depression?
> 
> Do you think she doesn't want to because she knows your right?




I think she is. We argue a lot now. Never used to argue before. She's told me she wasn't ready to be a mom. i can understand that since she worked ever since she was 15. She's also told me to divorce her if i don't like the way she is now.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> What you describe, as painful and frustrating as it is for you, is unfortunately very common with new mothers.
> 
> I think it's a combination of new role taking over her life, being overwhelmed, being hormonal, being bored with the tedium... It's not any one thing but a lot of things. And it's not something you've done but probably something you both have neglected to do.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your insight. She is the type that doesn't want to leave the baby alone with just anyone. being how her family is busy living their lives and doing their thing we do not have anyone to take care of him. Her and her mother don't see eye to eye so she barely comes around and she's told me she doesn't want to leave the baby alone with her. So not much we can do there unless we spend money for a sitting service and we can't afford it.

I've talked to her before about the Ipad issue but she just doesnt get it. She has energy to work out as well but no energy for me. Like isaid. I'm at my wits end. Not just about the sex as I can do for myself but there is no affection, no I love you's, no hand holding. She puts pillows between us in bed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

atxhubby said:


> I think she is. We argue a lot now. Never used to argue before. She's told me she wasn't ready to be a mom. i can understand that since she worked ever since she was 15. She's also told me to divorce her if i don't like the way she is now.


Wow talk about resentment.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Is this the first child for both of you? Thirty-eight is quite old to have a first child. It could be shock for her to have her body change. After my first daughter was born my ex was very anxious to have sex as soon as possible because she wanted to know if everything was ok physically. Labor was hard for her.
> 
> If your wife had a caesarian, that could be depressing her.
> 
> ...


 yes. first child. She had him at 36. She had a natural birth, she did breast feed the baby, and we have been married going on 3 years. She wasnot in a rush to marry. We dated for 2 years before we moved in together, lived togetehr for an additional 3 years. So were together for 5 years before we got married. Going on 8 total now.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Wow talk about resentment.



Yep my stomach fell out the day she told me that. Although later she apologized.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Staying at home is not for her. Whose idea was it? Tell her there's no shame in finding day care and going back to work; too many women are the recipients of don't let someone else raise your baby guilt. Except that it's not for everyone; it wasn't for me. She's had her life turned upside down; she worked in the fitness industry (high fitness standards), her body is wrecked (in her eyes), and she is isolated and dependent.

Then, your primarily worried about your sex life, not the fact that your wife is falling apart. I get that, you want sex with your wife. Completely understandable. But she needs you to have her back right now, so you making this mainly about sex is pushing her away. Sit down and talk to your wife about her unhappiness and what you two can do about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sadly you may have to call her bluff and file. Better yet ask her if you can get your needs met elsewhere. Maybe that will shock her out of this funk but I doubt it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Sadly you may have to call her bluff and file. Better yet ask her if you can get your needs met elsewhere. Maybe that will shock her out of this funk but I doubt it.



His wife is falling apart emotionally and the solution is to file or threaten to get his needs met elsewhere? Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Sadly you may have to call her bluff and file. Better yet ask her if you can get your needs met elsewhere. Maybe that will shock her out of this funk but I doubt it.


I was thinking the exact same thing. Call her bluff. You almost have to at this point, since she'll find it hard to respect a man (subconsciously) if he's willing to stay after a take it or leave it ultimatum.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> Did your wife's life change drastically after the baby? Mine did. I went from having a job and friends to staying in my house day in and day out. I had no family around, we lived in an older neighborhood with no other moms around, we didn't have money for sitters. Even though I loved my baby I got depressed, it felt like a tedious prison. Then came the guilt because shouldn't I have been completely fulfilled now that I had a baby? Wasn't I the lucky one who got to stay home with my child? Guilt and boredom are not aphrodisiacs.
> 
> One day I had enough, I looked into play groups, moms day out clubs, book clubs, anything to get out of the house that was free and gave me something to look forward to. I think we forget that in the old days all the moms stayed home and there was plenty of support from neighbors and family after a baby came along. The highlight of her day shouldn't be an hour or two on the iPad while you give the baby a bath.
> 
> ...



Her life went from working and making decent money and having time to work out and stay fit, to being at home and being a full time mom. It's something we sorted out before the baby was born. We agreed to that because we both didnt want the baby at daycare and being taken care of by someone else.

She does take the baby to signing classes and book reading. Parks and playrooms during the day. But she won't do a moms group thing even though there is one in our city.

Our neighbor has a 12 year old daughter and I've talked to her dad about maybe hr sitting for a few hours at hour house every week but my wife is against it. Just really protective of the baby I suppose.

Baby takes a nap after lunch and she jumps on her Ipad when he is down. Just like at night when I get home, she jumps on Ipad and Facebook. I regret that I gave her that for Mothers day. I don't think she is trying to hurt me but I have discovered that history on her ipad is turned off and her messages and blanked out. So who knows.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> His wife is falling apart emotionally and the solution is to file or threaten to get his needs met elsewhere? Wow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has tried everything else not much to lose at this point.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Sadly you may have to call her bluff and file. Better yet ask her if you can get your needs met elsewhere. Maybe that will shock her out of this funk but I doubt it.



I have before during one of our arguments. I wasn't about the sex but more of how her attitude is. She told me once again that she wasn't ready to be a mom and that she needs to get away. i told her to pack her stuff, leave my son there and I will manage fine without her. It pissed her off but she apologized for saying what she said while I didn't because I meant it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Staying at home is not for her. Whose idea was it? Tell her there's no shame in finding day care and going back to work; too many women are the recipients of don't let someone else raise your baby guilt. Except that it's not for everyone; it wasn't for me. She's had her life turned upside down; she worked in the fitness industry (high fitness standards), her body is wrecked (in her eyes), and she is isolated and dependent.
> 
> Then, your primarily worried about your sex life, not the fact that your wife is falling apart. I get that, you want sex with your wife. Completely understandable. But she needs you to have her back right now, so you making this mainly about sex is pushing her away. Sit down and talk to your wife about her unhappiness and what you two can do about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This!

What she said about this is the way she is... That's just her trying to take control of something she can't control because she doesn't understand what's wrong with her.

I agree with LITS, she needs to get out and work at least part time, if she can find child care. The money she makes might not be enough to pay for child care but maybe it will help her find herself again.

No matter how in love with our babies we are, it is a shock to the system for a lot of women to figure out how to be a woman and a mother at the same time.

Men can compartmentalize much better than women, generally speaking. A woman becomes a other and she doesn't ever stop being a mother, there is no compartmentalizing motherhood.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

atxhubby said:


> I think she is. We argue a lot now. Never used to argue before. She's told me she wasn't ready to be a mom. i can understand that since she worked ever since she was 15. She's also told me to divorce her if i don't like the way she is now.


Oh no!! Can you think of anyone who can maybe get through to her that she needs help? Maybe a sister or mother can convince her?


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> This!
> 
> What she said about this is the way she is... That's just her trying to take control of something she can't control because she doesn't understand what's wrong with her.
> 
> ...



She is now doing somethng similar to an intership thing somewhere for a part time job. It's flexible enough to where she does mornings before I go to work and on weekends when i can watch the baby. Even though we are barely making it on money every month i am allowing her to eat up the costs in driving back and forth. I pick up a few side gigs doing computer work to make up for it. But it seems it's not any better. She's just still very crabby.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

over20 said:


> Oh no!! Can you think of anyone who can maybe get through to her that she needs help? Maybe a sister or mother can convince her?



Both her sisters have careers that are just beginning so they are super busy. One of those sisters she doesnt get along with very well just like her mom. I don't have any family here so it's just us.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have you been able to track her moods? Do you see a pattern or is it continuous? 

Does she have ANY other women in her life that she talks too?


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

over20 said:


> Have you been able to track her moods? Do you see a pattern or is it continuous?
> 
> Does she have ANY other women in her life that she talks too?



Whenever she has a good day with the baby her mood seems OK. Just tired and wants to rest as any SAHM would.

When the baby wants to act up and have a tantrum or is throwing a fit I get the short en dof the stick when I get home.

She has friends but not anyone she would leave baby with.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

So do you think she has vented to her friends about how she feels? 

It's good to hear it's not everyday....can I ask is she hard on herself? 
I only ask because when we had our first baby...it was awful. I felt like such a failure with everything. If she a high achiever maybe she feels like a failure in mothering..which makes her feel like a failure to you too....babies aren't as nice as we hoped they would be...

On another note....has she ever said to you that she misses affection (kissing, sex...etc.)


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

over20 said:


> So do you think she has vented to her friends about how she feels?
> 
> It's good to hear it's not everyday....can I ask is she hard on herself?
> I only ask because when we had our first baby...it was awful. I felt like such a failure with everything. If she a high achiever maybe she feels like a failure in mothering..which makes her feel like a failure to you too....babies aren't as nice as we hoped they would be...
> ...



yeah, she sometimes says things like she can't figure out what he wants and how she is concerned that he isn't learning fast enough. I think he is doing good as he tries to recite ABC;s at 21 months and knows numbers up to 5. 

No, shes never said she misses the affection. As a matter of fact last time we had sex about 2 months ago i told her that we should try to do that once a week or so and she said that once a week is too much.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Well I am glad to hear sex was 2 months ago...I thought it was when the baby was born 2 yrs ago......is sex painful for her?


Sounds like your little cutie pie is very smart......and she may also be putting to much pressure on herself.....

I think she is having a hard time trying to be both. I mean now she is a mom...and mom's are good and pure...a wife is a vixen and hot for her man....she maybe having a hard time mentally....she doesn't know what to be...it sounds odd to a man..but that is how our mind can work against us...as females


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Can you think of anything else that may have triggered her libido? A death in the family...her old job friends bashing her? Her new mommy body?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

atxhubby said:


> She is now doing somethng similar to an intership thing somewhere for a part time job. It's flexible enough to where she does mornings before I go to work and on weekends when i can watch the baby. Even though we are barely making it on money every month i am allowing her to eat up the costs in driving back and forth. I pick up a few side gigs doing computer work to make up for it. But it seems it's not any better. She's just still very crabby.


Well, you two are going to have to out your heads together and come up with a workable solution so that she gets time away from baby and time alone with you, also away from baby.

It's great that she starting an internship but this will make couple time even harder.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and read the sections on emotional needs. You two have a lot of work in front of you...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

atxhubby said:


> I have before during one of our arguments. I wasn't about the sex but more of how her attitude is. She told me once again that she wasn't ready to be a mom and that she needs to get away. i told her to pack her stuff, leave my son there and I will manage fine without her. It pissed her off but she apologized for saying what she said while I didn't because I meant it.



You managing without her means someone else will watch your 
son while you work. Get good daycare and send your wife back to work; maybe then your marriage and sex life can be salvaged.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

That is not necessarily the issue going on lifeistooshort. 

His lovely wife may need her doc's help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She might over20 and she should definitely see her doctor, but it's clear that staying home isn't for her. It's not for everyone. The doctor could have medicated me out of my severe pp depression but it wouldn't have addressed the real issue: that I didn't want to stay home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I see your point. The Op stated that they both talked about it before the baby was born....and yes I know that after the baby is born issues in a marriage can change.....

I do think the first step is for his wife to seek counsel with her doc and get a full work up to rule out any physical issues....at least with that behind them...they can tackle the issue at hand.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here is the problem:

Your wife's view of life is Baby comes first. All resources revolve around the baby's needs. That means her energy, your energy, her time, your time, and all money. Then she needs a break from baby, because it consumes so much energy, so she goes to Ipad.

So, you see what happens when your particlar wife has a baby. This is where she naturally goes based on her biological and social conditioning of what it means to be a mother.

You have to come up with a defintion of marriage and family and override her natural definition and direction.

Your definition is that the order is the best kids come from the best marriages. So while your wife thinks what she is doing is best for her baby, it is actually worst for her baby.

So what you have to do is work both sides of this dynamic.

You have to create a marriage that is fun, and you have to meet her emotional needs so that she is getting fulfillment and happiness from her marriage. The other side is you have to forcefully advocate for the marriage/family to be the source of fulfillment that needs to come first. IN other words, you have to make her marriage good, happy and fun, and make her understand that she stands to lose this thing that greatly benefits herself and her child unless she is a willing participant in it. 

It's a process, not an event.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Stress can kill libido for some. You say that how she feels.the baby did determines her mood. She's worried about if baby is measuring up andhas mommy guilt anytime she feels the baby is not measuring up. Partially the mommy guilt comes from feeling that it is your fault baby is not measuring up then feeling guilty that you don't think your baby is perfect. At least from watching moms for the last 15 years that would be my guess. She also may be worried about getting pregnant with another when she is such a bad mom. From my experience a supportive husband who is saying how much the kids are learning, how smart they are, how happy you are that she's the childs mother goes a long way and can help.create other self talk. If she will feel guilty away from baby I wouldn't encourage it too much. But occassionaly telling her she deserves an evening off to go enjoy herself while praising all she does for your son may really help.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Here is the problem:
> 
> Your wife's view of life is Baby comes first. All resources revolve around the baby's needs. That means her energy, your energy, her time, your time, and all money. Then she needs a break from baby, because it consumes so much energy, so she goes to Ipad.
> 
> ...


I wish someone had told me this thirty years ago.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I wish someone had told me this thirty years ago.


Yeah, me too.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ummmm... not that it is the same for every woman... but..

I was 39 when my son was born

emergency cesarean

I also had HELLP syndrome which put my life at serious risk and what would normally be a two to three day stint in the hospital took me eight, plus a good week at home just surviving, but the second I had some strength back I was on my husband like before... it's only now after an affair by him and lots of anger has my desire for him slowed down. 

I have read that hormones adjust when a child is young for natural reasons, but I never experienced that having an impact on my desire for my husband.

I know the fighting doesn't help, exhaustion doesn't help, feeling boxed in doesn't help.... BUT Hon, you need to rule out someone else in this picture. If she doesn't go out with friends or depend on them for outlet... WHO is she going to? The secrecy with the Ipad would be a major red flag to me... you need to be stealthy about it though... go to the threads on gathering evidence in the infidelity section and catch this before it gets too far IF this is part of the picture. Hope it's not and hope I'm wrong, but my warning bells were going off about 1/4 way through this thread...


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Here is the problem:
> 
> Your wife's view of life is Baby comes first. All resources revolve around the baby's needs. That means her energy, your energy, her time, your time, and all money. Then she needs a break from baby, because it consumes so much energy, so she goes to Ipad.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
As the other poster said, I wish someone gave me this advice 20 years ago. Wife first, mother second.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

Reviving this thread as not much has changed since I posted last. Although wife is now working part time mornings her attitude towards me has not changed. She is even more tired now since she wakes up at 4.30 - 5am.

Working part time at a gym as a trainer. Few hours a week. I thought her getting out of the house would be good but things just are stagnant.

At home through her eyes I am the root of everything that is wrong. our 2 year old acts up like most if not all 2 year olds do and I am to blame. I get the attitude and the yelling at because Im not doing enough. Not sure what more i can do when i work 60+ hours a week to provide for us plus watch our son in the mornings so she can work her little part time.

I try to be as intimate as possible. calling her throughout day. Ask if i can bring her lunch. Help out around house alot. All that leading to a sex life that is not there. Again...........her Ipad is her hubby. I've asked her to go to counseling and she says no. So Im at a loss. 

Just dont know what else i can do. I can tell I am starting to get depressed and have been having bad dreams and d not so good thoughts.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas's thread


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

first let me say that I identify with your situation. The frequency with which this scenario seems to come up is pretty depressing. It's always the husband's fault too, whether the wife is a SAHM or works outside the home or plays the kazoo.

but these types of thoughts don't really solve the problem. It's unfair, but I've come to believe that the man has to be the leader in these situations. 

What does this mean? It means coming up with solid, fair and consistent boundaries and expectations for your family and marriage. It means abandoning the mindset of trying to crack your wife's code and placating her. The latter just encourages her to be unreasonable and demanding.

I believe whatever plan you come up with to improve things, you need to apply it to yourself first and to hold yourself to the highest standard. Lead by example. At the same time, this has to be done from a posture of strength. It is not the same thing as being a doormat.

While holding yourself to the highest standard, you also need to radiate the sense that your wife is not keeping up. You should stop just shy of being a **** about it, but it needs to be clear that you have expectations that are not being met. No more fighting about this stuff either- that it just a waste of time. Act like the things you expect are so obvious they should not even be up for debate.

Once you've begun to demonstrate greater mastery of yourself and consistency overall, start expanding the fun parts of your life. Plan fun things for the two of you to do together. If she doesn't come, go without her. She needs to see that you are living an improved life and she is getting left behind because she's not getting with the program.

All of this is easier said than done. It is hard to be consistent and not get angry when your wife doesn't follow your lead. Some of it is just a test to see if you really can be the leader she needs. Some of it is just incompatibility in all likelihood. You can't really control that though. It may not ultimately work out, but I believe this is the most realistic plan to try to make it work.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon, if I had to guess I would guess she will gladly participate in the fun things but not the ones in bed.

That's how it works. Emotional sponges. 

The next step is she has a second child in a year and that's all she wrote.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

You came back to updates us that nothing has changed in the past 7 months.
Well of course nothing has changed!!! You are still meeting all her needs, so why would anything change?
You need to STOP being so attentive for a wife who is perfectly fine ignoring your legitimate needs.

Let us know when you realize that you can't "nice" your way out of your sexless marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Anon, if I had to guess I would guess she will gladly participate in the fun things but not the ones in bed.
> 
> That's how it works. Emotional sponges.
> 
> The next step is she has a second child in a year and that's all she wrote.


I hear what you are saying.

Not sure if a second child is even in the picture in OP's case given their ages, but if it's a possibility, I would make clear that there is no way another child could be on the table until there is a clear demostration of improvement. Even then, I would be very cautious going down this path given that his wife has demonstrated a limited ability to cope with even 1 child.

On the "emotional sponge" point, it is very tricky. I don't mean this in a belittling way, but it almost like training a dog. You need to show the dog that it will get a reward if it does what it is supposed to. You don't give the dog the reward first.

It takes a lot of patience to flip the expectations when your wife has grown used to you trying to figure her out. That is why I believe it is so crucial for the man to show total mastery and dominance of himself as a first step. You wife will look for any weakness in you to reassert her dominance. Again, not to be insulting, but rather like a dog that has been improperly trained-- much more difficult to re-educate.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Duplicate post

View attachment 31186


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The dog has to have a reason to be trained. A lot of "dogs" are more like cats and can't be trained.

If you're at the point where mastery of quantum physics is required in order to avoid being dominated, the relationship needs to be seriously reevaluated...


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

All valid points and thanks for your feedback. I have made myself more assertive as to what I want. not only that but I am putting forth a lot more effort with everything for our house and family. That and still working 60+ hours a week. After an argument I told her we should at least be having sex once or twice a week as we are still young. She is 37 I am 42. She wont talk to a Dr and doesnt want to seek counseling.

She broke down after this argument and told me that she feels drawn away from me because all i think about is sex. After 2 months and having a hot wife at home who wouldnt?

Anyway thats where we stand. Shes not giving in and I am done chasing after her. I will find a way to take care of myself.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

atxhubby said:


> All valid points and thanks for your feedback. I have made myself more assertive as to what I want. not only that but I am putting forth a lot more effort with everything for our house and family. That and still working 60+ hours a week. After an argument I told her we should at least be having sex once or twice a week as we are still young. She is 37 I am 42. She wont talk to a Dr and doesnt want to seek counseling.
> 
> She broke down after this argument and told me that she feels drawn away from me because all i think about is sex. After 2 months and having a hot wife at home who wouldnt?
> 
> Anyway thats where we stand. Shes not giving in and I am done chasing after her. I will find a way to take care of myself.


Are you saying she would NOT agree to your (totally reasonable) request for sex once or twice per week? This is where you inform her of the stuff that YOU are no longer willing to do for HER. She want's a roommate? Be her roommate! Don't be an *******, just ignore her needs the way she ignores yours. Go to holiday parties without her. Heck, invite a date.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

atxhubby said:


> New guy here. Found this forum after doing a search online for other folks comments on spouses not wanting sex. A little background info on us.
> 
> I the hubby am 42, in great shape, I run and bike. She is 38 and was in the fitness industry. Although she is having a hard time losing the baby weight I still find her intensely attractive and want to be with her in the same manner as before. Our son is going on 24 months. Before the baby we had a great sex life. 2 or 3 times a week and it was passionate, intense and we enjoyed exploring each others and doing everything to each other and I mean everything. Don't want to get too explicit.
> 
> ...


Objectification is a theme that comes up on TAM periodically. To me the situation you're in atxhubby happens most often when the guy (you) have been a means to an end. Possibly you were her means in order to have healthy, provided for children. I understand why women don't like to be objectified and I suspect many women understand why men don't like to be as well.

So the ball is in your court buddy. If you don't like what you have then it's your job fix it. To me being with someone I love who doesn't show me love in return is not enough. Not even close to enough. I'd rather be alone.


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## atxhubby (May 6, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Are you saying she would NOT agree to your (totally reasonable) request for sex once or twice per week? This is where you inform her of the stuff that YOU are no longer willing to do for HER. She want's a roommate? Be her roommate! Don't be an *******, just ignore her needs the way she ignores yours. Go to holiday parties without her. Heck, invite a date.



Yep. We talked about it and she said that's too much. This is worse than a roommate. At least a roommate pays you rent.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's funny that you site the more you're doing as evidence you're doing the right thing. It's the exact opposite of what will work. Your behavior is virtually guaranteed to get you less intimacy. In fact it sounds dangerously close to a covert contract. You'll be back in another 7 months or 7 years or 70 years whining about all the things you do that get you nowhere. It's all predictable right down to your wife's reaction and right down to your ability to read advise, agree with it and then do the opposite just to avoid conflict. You sir, are a nice guy (tm).


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Your situation flat out sucks and frankly there probably won't be a solution. Your requests are totally reasonable (obviously), but at this point your wife only sees your desperation and is completely turned off by it, so to her it seems like you are asking a lot. 

I think there are really only two viable paths for you. 

The first is to bail out now, which is frankly more than likely the most logical option. You are only getting older and this has been going on for some time. The more time that passes, the more that sexlessness becomes the status quo. Also, I believe it will be harder to split up your family as your child grows older and is more aware of what is going on. You should seriously think about this (I'm sure you are).

The second path I think has a lot lower liklihood for a good outcome from your personal happiness standpoint. It involves playing a long game of reversing the dynamic in your marriage. 

What this means is that you stop fighting about sexlessness and just accept it for the time being. Get your own personal sh-t together until you are 100% rock solid. 

This does not just consist of a list of all of the things you do for your family. It's actually more likely that you are doing too much rather than too little (as others have pointed out).

Much, much, much more important is your overall demeanor. Act like a leader. Be respectful at all times but never subservient. KNOW that you are 100% solid, 100% consistent and that you are leading your relationship to a better place. You do not need to talk to your wife about this-- in fact you should stop talking about your problems altogether. Does the President complain to the Vice President about how hard it is being President? 

Only once you have cooled things down and demonstrated this stronger demeanor should you resume trying for sex. You cannot expect that you will get all of your needs met initially-- it is a long game. 

You need her to want you, which she doesn't right now and won't as long as she perceives you as needy. That is why re-establishing your dominant stature is so crucial-- it is the only way to reverse this perception of you she has developed over the past couple of years.

Yes, it sucks that it is all on you to deal with this by yourself and she should be doing more. But you've already had that conversation and it went nowhere.

Again, you could very likely go down this path and nothing changes for the better (except that you will have demonstated to yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not your problem).


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

fyi, there are hormone shifts in women after pregnancy that last for a while that lowers their sex drive. It's natural, so that we don't have them so close together. So, OP you've got a choice, either let your inability to cope wreck your relationship OR learn to back the pressure off of her, wait and let her get tested at the doc before going Rambo on her. Plus, kids make her feel less attractive than before and more tired. So you have new dynamics to navigate. Expecting it to be the same as before is TOTALLY unrealistic because it's just not. And the less you understand this the more resentment you will receive. 

Take some pressure off, show some compassion for her day, engage with her at night in a healthy way just because and at some point ask her if she will have her hormones tested.

You are creating leverage and pressure on her that is shutting her down. Tell her, "you know what I have been unfair to you, I've done some research and have found that your hormones shift after pregnancy that are DESIGNED to keep you from having kids so close together and I am sorry for being unaware. That's not your fault and I've been an a$$. When you are ready, will you consider just checking your hormones with a doc to see where you are. I will do my best to adjust my expectation to a reasonable level during this time frame. I'm sorry I haven't adjusted with you. It is difficult because you are as beautiful as you are, and I am being insecure, but still no excuse to go all Rambo, I'm sorry, will you forgive me."

ETA: But the three hours on her electronics needs a boundary and I would do it asap.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's funny that you site the more you're doing as evidence you're doing the right thing. It's the exact opposite of what will work. Your behavior is virtually guaranteed to get you less intimacy. In fact it sounds dangerously close to a covert contract. You'll be back in another 7 months or 7 years or 70 years whining about all the things you do that get you nowhere. It's all predictable right down to your wife's reaction and right down to your ability to read advise, agree with it and then do the opposite just to avoid conflict. You sir, are a nice guy (tm).


If you have not read it...
Dr. Robert Glover | Intention Into Action | Love, Sex, Dating & Career


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I say this with 15+ years of hindsight. You need to have a very frank discussion with her and come up with a timetable, an end point after which you will not tolerate non-improvement. I'd suggest another 2 years but make it what you think you can tolerate. As the ladies have said there are reasons for the way she is behaving but after 2 years they should be coming to an end. Frankly, fixing this is on her at this point. 2 more years then pull the plug. Compromise yes, shut out - not acceptable. 

Be very frank, state your timeline which allows her time to adjust then stop pressuring her for sex. A third party to talk to the two of you might make her realize how screwed up she is. Wish I had followed my advice





atxhubby said:


> All valid points and thanks for your feedback. I have made myself more assertive as to what I want. not only that but I am putting forth a lot more effort with everything for our house and family. That and still working 60+ hours a week. After an argument I told her we should at least be having sex once or twice a week as we are still young. She is 37 I am 42. She wont talk to a Dr and doesnt want to seek counseling.
> 
> She broke down after this argument and told me that she feels drawn away from me because all i think about is sex. After 2 months and having a hot wife at home who wouldnt?
> 
> Anyway thats where we stand. Shes not giving in and I am done chasing after her. I will find a way to take care of myself.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

anonmd said:


> I say this with 15+ years of hindsight. You need to have a very frank discussion with her and come up with a timetable, an end point after which you will not tolerate non-improvement. I'd suggest another 2 years but make it what you think you can tolerate. As the ladies have said there are reasons for the way she is behaving but after 2 years they should be coming to an end. Frankly, fixing this is on her at this point. 2 more years then pull the plug. Compromise yes, shut out - not acceptable.
> 
> Be very frank, state your timeline which allows her time to adjust then stop pressuring her for sex. A third party to talk to the two of you might make her realize how screwed up she is. Wish I had followed my advice


I totally agree with this... 

If it were me I would give her one more year to have this addressed and make it known to you. She needs to understand that you own your part, but that in no way means she is not to own hers. She needs to quit being a brat with the computer stuff and hear you. BUT you need to come at it from an accurate fair perspective and adding a time frame to work out these issues is wise.

It's exactly what I did in my M. I told my H that by the end of 2014 there needed to be SIGNIFICANT improvement in our relationship or I was out. Guess what I got.... significant improvement


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

The hormone thing is BS. Maybe for a year, but this has been going on for 2 yrs. Even if it started as hormones it has now metastasized beyond that. 

It would require about an hour of effort a week for OP's wife to meet his needs, so she really has no excuse.

The problem for OP though is this line of thinking will go nowhere for him. But it does not mean that these excuses on her part are valid.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Depends on the person's body... she is 32 not 20


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

atxhubby said:


> Thank you for your insight. She is the type that doesn't want to leave the baby alone with just anyone. being how her family is busy living their lives and doing their thing we do not have anyone to take care of him. Her and her mother don't see eye to eye so she barely comes around and she's told me she doesn't want to leave the baby alone with her. So not much we can do there unless we spend money for a sitting service and we can't afford it.
> 
> I've talked to her before about the Ipad issue but she just doesnt get it. She has energy to work out as well but no energy for me. Like isaid. I'm at my wits end. Not just about the sex as I can do for myself but there is no affection, no I love you's, no hand holding. She puts pillows between us in bed.


She is using the baby as a shield from spending time alone with you. You need to break this habit like now. I agree with others you need to enforce having date time and alone time with her. She is trying to neglect her wife role for the mother role. Point that out and get his back on track. My guess is a nice date or two and establishment of a routine will correct this.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

It is pretty obvious that your wife does not respect you and that you do not speak up for yourself.

Quire frankly, you have basically exhausted all possible solutions. She doesn't want to be close to you. She wants to do her part time job, take care of the baby, and then do hidden things on her Ipad. You are her living expenses; her bank account.. oh, and some annoying guy who 'only wants sex.' Saying she is drawn back from you due to your desire of sex is her way of saying that she has no idea how to communicate and is most likely voicing her frustrations to to other friends.. and maybe a lone guy.

Normally, I would not say to just ignore your wife but it seems like the only thing you have yet to exhaust besides divorce. She refuses to communicate, she refuses to seek help, and she refuses to be a wife. Fine. Ignore her, do not bring up sex, be happy, and work on yourself and work on being a good father. 

If she doesn't respond to that, then you have your answer.

And PS.. I do not understand why people are telling you to 'force' dates when she is not willing to allow someone else to watch the kid and she most likely thinks a forced date will led to forced sex. Stop repeating yourself to her OP and stand up for yourself. Your days are ticking.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"She broke down after this argument and told me that she feels drawn away from me because all i think about is sex. After 2 months and having a hot wife at home who wouldnt?" atxhubby

This is a cop-out, gaslighting/diversion. It's like if you were saying around dinner time "I'm hungry" and then she says "All you ever think about is food". Unless you are asking her several times a day and being incessant about it, then don't stand for it. I don't mean keep bugging her to have sex, I mean don't let her get away with that argument when it comes up.

If you translate what she's saying it's more like "I don't want to have sex, I don't want you to even mention it, and if you do, I'll accuse you of 'that's all you think about' even if you only ask me five times a month!"


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OP,
Good job. The issue is in clear view. Work out. Cultivate your hobbies and friendships.

Stop initiating sex. You are not a beggar on the street outside the house of love.

Treat your politely. Don't go out of your way to meet her needs. If she asks you to do something reasonable, agree and do it without any expectation of reciprocity. Vacate all the covert contracts that have disappointed you.

When your wife asks for something that irritates you, turn her down, without anger. Don't argue. Don't reason. Just say, "Honey, I can't do it just now. If it's important, why don't you do it yourself."

If she continues, tell her to ask again next week.

Detach from her.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

It's a total cop out from a logical standpoint, but guaranteed she doesn't see it in that way. All she sees is her husband who is increasingly desperate. She does not care that she made him this way. It's a total mindf*ck, but fighting it just makes it worse.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The first thing to understand is that women don't like (and some just can't) having sex with men they don't respect. The second thing to understand is that the vast majority of women will not respect a man who shows through his actions that he will accept sexless marriage. I'm not talking about telling her it's unacceptable. If you tell her it's unacceptable, but stay put, then your actions are the opposite of your words which lowers the respect even more.

Read Nucleus's thread. Read 4x4's thread. 4x4 is interesting and ongoing. Several months ago he was ready to walk but wanted to wait until the end of the year. I tried to convince him to not wait, but he waited anyway. He finally pulled the trigger a few weeks ago. Now, even though he had complained for a long time about his sexless marriage when he finally said he wanted a divorce and moved out of the house his wife was devastated. Claimed she was blind sided. Obviously she didn't believe his prior words because his actions said he was accepting of sexlessness. Her inner self could not respect that, so he stayed sexless and she didn't care. But the moment his actions told her that he would not accept it, she found her lost libido. After being gone 10 days, he moved back in with a wife who will not say no. Newfound respect, newfound libido.

OP, if you stay and complain, but don't really do anything to show it's a deal breaker, then you will stay sexless. This is simply the way it is. If you want your marriage to work on your terms, then you have to be willing to walk away when those terms are not met. Anything less is a huge turnoff, even if she doesn't know or understand that at a conscious level.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I agree with Working on Me's post for the most part. 

The only thing I have a problem with is the idea of going back after you drop the divorce bomb. 

I can imagine the wife getting temporarily turned on by that, but I believe she will eventually see that she can manipulate you with sex and you will be back where you started.

I think if you are going to go the divorce route, you should stay committed to that even if your wife comes onto you again in the process.

To be honest, the most logical choice in these situations from a pure personal happiness standpoint seems to be divorce.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't disagree with that conclusion Anon. I told 4x4 that I am "cautiously optimistic". We'll see. I'm sure that his resolve will be tested soon, and that will determine who his future is going to play out. But ya, generally speaking, if you're done you're done. One thing you can't do is fake it or try to use the D threat to manipulate. That will never work, and women can smell a bluff a mile away.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

atxhubby said:


> All valid points and thanks for your feedback. I have made myself more assertive as to what I want. not only that but I am putting forth a lot more effort with everything for our house and family. That and still working 60+ hours a week. After an argument I told her we should at least be having sex once or twice a week as we are still young. She is 37 I am 42. She wont talk to a Dr and doesnt want to seek counseling.
> 
> She broke down after this argument and *told me that she feels drawn away from me because all i think about is sex. *After 2 months and having a hot wife at home who wouldnt?
> 
> Anyway thats where we stand. Shes not giving in and I am done chasing after her. I will find a way to take care of myself.


A huge part of sex for most women is the emotions involved. She is telling you that there is something missing in how connected she feels to you, which makes her want to avoid sex. If she thinks you only want to use her body to get yourself off, why would she want to have sex with you?? 

Instead of trying to make a business contract with your wife to have sex at least once or twice a week, have you tried romancing her? 

She is in a new role and probably having a tough time of it. You pushing for sex without being loving and sympathetic only pushes her away further. It took me a long time before I felt good about being a SAHM, whereas before there were many times I felt overwhelmed and wanted to hide, feeling like a failure. Her long use of the electronics is probably her "escape" from reality. I think she needs you to be supportive and to help her feel good about herself again. 

You said she has had trouble losing the baby weight, so why not exercise together? Put the toddler in the stroller and all go for a jog. Put on music and dance in the living room. Go for a family hike. Do something a little out of the ordinary that gets everyone moving. It will be good for everyone involved.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Romance her and it will backfire. She will interpret any romance as something you're doing to get sex. Your wife is a taker. And when you treat a taker like a princess, they simply take more. And what's worse, they resent you for the better treatment because they ascribe ulterior motives to it.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Romance her and it will backfire. She will interpret any romance as something you're doing to get sex. Your wife is a taker. And when you treat a taker like a princess, they simply take more. And what's worse, they resent you for the better treatment because they ascribe ulterior motives to it.


Maybe I should clarify: Romance her just to romance her, not to get sex. If you romance her just to try to get sex, yea, that will back fire and I don't recommend that. She has had trouble losing the weight and seems like she is also having trouble adjusting. Op can help her to move forward to feel better about everything. 

OP, have you read the 5 love languages book? Are you showing your wife love how she sees it? 

My husband is "acts of service" while I am "physical touch". When my husband would do a bunch of things for me thinking it showed me love, I didn't see it the same way. I was very appreciative of his effort, but I was still missing what I viewed as showing love and felt very alone. You doing more around the house and working long hours to support the family is great, but she may need something else. If you know her love language, then make sure to show her love in the ways she feels it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Neuklas's thread is a good one. He broke a seven-year sexless marriage.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe's comments are dead on atx. It may be scary but it's the truth. You cannot nice your way out this and you certainly cannot bluff your way out. If you're serious and are willing to take it or leave it unless things change then there's a risk involved but the odds are greatly in your favor that you'll have your wife back the way you want her. If you're not serious then don't bluff. It'll just re-enforce the existing reasons she has the upper hand.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Keep on mind that some women will gladly divorce rather than put out - esp. if they make good money.... And are hardcore LD's. And can cause hardship.

Respect is irrelevant, but it's very convenient as an excuse.

I've played the nuclear card once, she blinked, but I would not count on it working twice. The next one is the real thing.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

john117 said:


> Keep on mind that some women will gladly divorce rather than put out - esp. if they make good money.... And are hardcore LD's. And can cause hardship.
> 
> Respect is irrelevant, but it's very convenient as an excuse.
> 
> I've played the nuclear card once, she blinked, but I would not count on it working twice. The next one is the real thing.





WorkingOnMe said:


> But ya, generally speaking, if you're done you're done. One thing you can't do is fake it or try to use the D threat to manipulate. That will never work, and women can smell a bluff a mile away.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The first thing to understand is that women don't like (and some just can't) having sex with men they don't respect. The second thing to understand is that the vast majority of women will not respect a man who shows through his actions that he will accept sexless marriage. I'm not talking about telling her it's unacceptable. If you tell her it's unacceptable, but stay put, then your actions are the opposite of your words which lowers the respect even more.
> 
> Read Nucleus's thread. Read 4x4's thread. 4x4 is interesting and ongoing. Several months ago he was ready to walk but wanted to wait until the end of the year. I tried to convince him to not wait, but he waited anyway. He finally pulled the trigger a few weeks ago. Now, even though he had complained for a long time about his sexless marriage when he finally said he wanted a divorce and moved out of the house his wife was devastated. Claimed she was blind sided. Obviously she didn't believe his prior words because his actions said he was accepting of sexlessness. Her inner self could not respect that, so he stayed sexless and she didn't care. But the moment his actions told her that he would not accept it, she found her lost libido. After being gone 10 days, he moved back in with a wife who will not say no. Newfound respect, newfound libido.
> 
> OP, if you stay and complain, but don't really do anything to show it's a deal breaker, then you will stay sexless. This is simply the way it is. If you want your marriage to work on your terms, then you have to be willing to walk away when those terms are not met. Anything less is a huge turnoff, even if she doesn't know or understand that at a conscious level.



ANY guy in a sexless marriage READ THIS !!!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> fyi, there are hormone shifts in women after pregnancy that last for a while that lowers their sex drive. It's natural, so that we don't have them so close together. So, OP you've got a choice, either let your inability to cope wreck your relationship OR learn to back the pressure off of her, wait and let her get tested at the doc before going Rambo on her. Plus, kids make her feel less attractive than before and more tired. So you have new dynamics to navigate. Expecting it to be the same as before is TOTALLY unrealistic because it's just not. And the less you understand this the more resentment you will receive.
> 
> Take some pressure off, show some compassion for her day, engage with her at night in a healthy way just because and at some point ask her if she will have her hormones tested.
> 
> ...




Didn't work for me. Not setting limits failed miserably. Spending every Watt of my energy trying to help her world be more hospitable for her failed. Walking on eggshells around her failed. Giving up on my expectation she behave like a rational, respectable adult let her behavior deteriorate.



Never was close to going Rambo. Not even close to recommending it. But honesty, directness, and looking out for one's own happiness is important. Sending clear signals about what one is struggling with, and that the others indifference is part of it, is important.





If I had it to do over again, I would try harder to make her feel heard when she complained about the house and kids. (I heard her, and took action, more than she knows.)


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Didn't work for me. Not setting limits failed miserably. Spending every Watt of my energy trying to help her world be more hospitable for her failed. Walking on eggshells around her failed. Giving up on my expectation she behave like a rational, respectable adult let her behavior deteriorate.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly, and well said. This explains my situation to a T. Stepped on eggshells because she's in a bad mood because I'm at work while she's at home with the kids and they're whiny, so helped out by taking the kids so she can do things. Didn't change anything, but her attitude was still in the crapper (I did nothing right). 

Limits need to be set, and you need to find someone to watch the child. Our parents are all out of town and too old to keep up with them, but friends have offered but wife won't take them up on it. We do get to go out and have a sitter watch the kids, but that never leads to sex (name the excuse, she uses it).


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