# Going though a trial seperation



## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Three weeks ago my wife told me she wants a trial separation. It was out of the blue in the fact that I didn't think things were nearly as bad as she obviously does. When I asked why she wants to do this she said she feels like her life is stuck in limbo and that she loves me but she's not in love with me. We have been married for just over 9 years and have been living together for almost 11. A few years ago she went through a stressful time in her life developed a heart problem where she gets racing heart rates. Went in for a few operations and nothing was successful so they regulated her on medications. She said she was unhappy about four years ago and we talked it out and it came back that she was unhappy with her job and we went from there. We went for a Vacation back to Canada about 9 months ago and everything was amazing we started talking about having kids leading up to the vacation and started trying while on vacation it was very romantic to say the least. We got home to New Zealand and after about a few weeks she fell back into the same routine. We stopped having sex regularly I was always affectionate but she would say I was being clingy so I would pull back but still show her I cared. I would buy her flowers and she would say it's a waste of money but we don't have money problems were not rich but we do alright. So I stop buying flowers so much I try and give her her space and if she wanted to go out with friends I would encourage it, I would stay home maybe go out if anyone else was up to something. She told me that she feels guilty for going out on her own with out me because most times I just stick around the house. I said I was comfortable with that and I do things that keep me occupied that she shouldn't worry about me. She also said that she feels more like my mother then she does my wife, I didn't know what to reply to that other then I do just as much if not more in the relation ship when it comes to dealing with day to day things and when it comes to the relationship. I have always put myself second to her needs and I don't think that's a bad thing I just wanted her to be happy. It's just gone over the three week point I am still at home but she has been gone for the past two weeks with work as she travels a bit. Over the next month she is only home for just over 2 days. She says she still wants to have kids just not sure if she wants them with me. All these things sent me to a boiling point and I was seriously considering suicide, I got help and am seeing a physiatrist he has helped alot but he is more focused on me and not my marriage. It has helped but I still have so many questions I don't know where to start. The Monday after she told me she wanted the separation I told her we should try to work things out, that we both need to change if things are going to work, I asked if there was someone else and she swears there is not all her friends say there is no one else but I still find the idea that there is creeping into my head. She said she is not changing her mind and that she needs the separation. So I let it go for a few days and wend into the main bedroom where she is staying and I am in the spare. I told her to just listen to what I have to say and she doesn't have to say anything, I talked to her for the better part of an hour and when I was done stuck around for a few minutes to see if she wanted to say anything but she didn't so I went out for a bit to clear my head. A week passed and we are kinda talking and trying to act as normal as we can around one another but it is a bit weird. So last week I talk to her again and give some options we could do with out doing the full on trial separation thing, like stay in the separate bedrooms but still keep the lines of communication open, setting one night a week where we make it all about us sort of thing, becoming more independent etc.etc. She didn't really say anything kinda sat on the couch and was looking to the ceiling out of the corner of her eyes. I haven't tried to talk her out of or give other solutions to try since. She just told me last night over the phone that she is going to be going on a holiday with her friends and to me it feels like she has all but moved on. My friends who are also her friends say she still cares because she always asks where I have been and what I have been up to when I go out with them. But she seems so cold towards me and it kills me inside I have been trying to pull back but it's hard but I just don't understand why I feel like I have done something wrong. I have been trying to prepare myself for what looks to be life with out my wife and best friend it's been a struggle to say the least and at time almost too much to cope with. I have made the last 12 years or so of my life being all about her and pleasing her moving half way around the world with out a second thought because she was home sick, I don't even know where I am start in life with out her. I know things werent perfect and I know I have my flaws but I am willing to work on them just seems like she is set on moving on. I don't know what I should do? Some people say I should change my attitude towards her and not be so supportive and kind to her but be more neutral. I don't know if this will work or not but changing the way I have treated her and the way I acted towards her over the years will be hard but if it has a chance to show her something or anything I am willing to give it a shot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find the 180 plan and read some of the manning up threads here at TAM.
I suggest you give her a taste of what she wants and stop begging for your marriage.

I know it hard, but people want what they don't have. Distance your self and act indifferent. Show her what it will be like.

One more thing, are you sure there are not other people influencing your wife? Some times women need the space to see if the other man is better then there husband, but they aren't sure so they leave husband on the back burner until they deside what is better the otherman ot the husband.

Don't even bother asking her she will lie, do your own investigation and see if another man is influencing your wifes choices in her marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Consciense, sorry to hear about this, but welcome to this site. Unfortunately when I read your story I see A LOT of red flags that things aren't good. Your gut is trying to tell you something and I hate to say it but you really need to listen AND ACT on it.

ILYBINILWY (I love you but....)
need space
lack of sex life
she has lots of time to herself
she is planning even more time for herself
complaining that you are clingy
you feeling like a doormat

Realize that a trial separation is just the means to a permanent separation. It sounds like she doesn't want to work on it and if my disturbing assumptions are true because right now you are facing impossible odds. If she expresses desire to leave you need to "180" hard (search this site there is a lot of talk about it) but you really need to find some strength fast. You need to stop being needy asap, don't beg, don't say you'll change, just start right now doing what you have to do. Prepare your mind for the worst case scenario right now so that you have the strength to set your boundaries and show her the consequences of not being committed to the M. Read through the other stories on this forum and the mens clubhouse because I suspect you will need to find some testosterone fueled composure to get you through what you are facing.


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> Conscience, sorry to hear about this, but welcome to this site. Unfortunately when I read your story I see A LOT of red flags that things aren't good. Your gut is trying to tell you something and I hate to say it but you really need to listen AND ACT on it.
> 
> ILYBINILWY (I love you but....)
> need space
> ...


Yeah I am seeing that more and more. I have been going out heaps with friends and when I get home she asks what I been doing and where I was. My friends and some of them are her friends have said I have maybe been too nice to her, I don't know what that means because I thought I was doing the right thing. I realise now that putting myself second was not always the right thing to do and maybe I should have put my foot down every once in a while. I also agree with the 180 degree change for me. As of right now what do I have to lose, I have asked around and was told that there wasn't anyone else even one of her closest friends told me there was no one else. Weather of not I can beleive that I don't know but I guess I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. When I said to her in this trial separation do we see other people she said the first time I asked that no definitely not, then about a week after I said again in conversation that we are not to see other people right? she kinda changed her stance and said if she meets someone that she wants to explore a relationship with or I meet someone I want to explore a relationship with why not try it. I said well then that would be the end of the Marriage for me and prove you have completely moved on from us. She quickly then said No okay I agree no we don't see anyone else then. We got married quite young and she was my first real relationship and the first woman I had sex with. She told me that she was in a 6 year relation ship with someone who was a bit older then her but was out of it for about 2 years before we met. In that relationship she told me about how uninterested he would get and how he would be verbally abusive to her, so I told myself I would never be like that and if I did snap at her I would apologize to her afterwards. It's hard for me to know what she wants at times because she keeps thing bottled up inside even in our sex life she was always shy when she wanted sex and would at times throw hints like come to bed with no underwear on or lay in a positive way or just little things. Instead of just comming out and asking for it or making a move on me for once. So in that way I have always found her quite childish. I talked to her about it a few times and asked her to be more open about it with me and if she wanted it then just ask or act. She got a bit better then then reverted back and yea well communication got lost somewhere along the way. So it went back to me cuddling into her and maybe making a move and most times get the old stop it. sometimes it would work and we made love but I never really knew when she wanted it and when she didn't. These past few weeks I have been pulling myself away slowly but surely trying to distance myself, I know I can do alot better and maybe show some indifferent feelings like she has been showing me since she said she wants the trial separation. I have been holding myself together quite well on the outside but on the inside I have been dieing and I know I will feel like this for a while but I just gotta be strong and try and like you said find my testosterone and show he that I am my own person and that I can live with out her. If she does by some slim chance decide that she wants to get back together, I know I have to change and I have changed alot over these past few weeks, I have been seeing a psychiatrist and he has helped me out with some of my issues not really dealing with the marital issues as he said he is more concerned with getting me back on track first. But I know I will have to change but she also has to change probably just as much as me if not more and if that is something she is unwilling to do or cant do then as hard as it is for me to say, what's the point? I don't wanna be back in this state with her a few months, years, or what not. But in saying that I love her with all my heart and I will try anything to make things work but I now realise she needs to want to make things work also and I need to try a different approach from what she has seen from me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I truly hope for your sake that there isn't another man in the picture. For me it was hard enough when my wife said she wanted D, and that shock alone made me act in desparation, literally worked my @ss around the house off for 2 weeks straight, did all kinds of nice romantic things for her etc. I was definitely making an impact on her, but realized it was just giving in to her blame shifting. Then I found out about the affair, as my gut told me despite all of her closest friends assuring me "she just needed space". Anyways, wish I knew then what I know now, wish I found the strength to stand up for myself, but I think I did okay after those first few weeks of betrayal. Wish I'd known what my boundaries were before this and wouldn't have felt like such a victim, like I was exploited so badly. Hopefully what I can share will help you protect yourself.


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> I truly hope for your sake that there isn't another man in the picture. For me it was hard enough when my wife said she wanted D, and that shock alone made me act in desparation, literally worked my @ss around the house off for 2 weeks straight, did all kinds of nice romantic things for her etc. I was definitely making an impact on her, but realized it was just giving in to her blame shifting. Then I found out about the affair, as my gut told me despite all of her closest friends assuring me "she just needed space". Anyways, wish I knew then what I know now, wish I found the strength to stand up for myself, but I think I did okay after those first few weeks of betrayal. Wish I'd known what my boundaries were before this and wouldn't have felt like such a victim, like I was exploited so badly. Hopefully what I can share will help you protect yourself.


Thanks Lon, And thanks to the others who posted. It's Thursday here and I haven't contacted my wife at all this week. She called me once a few days ago to see what I was up to and to remind me to take her car in for a service. I told her it was already in the shop but I was busy and needed to go, not being mean or nasty in a cherry type of voice but to the point. I read about the 180 thing and I am going to try that. Way I see it is it can't push her away any further and whats the worst that could happen she leaves me? We're already at the point. I see now that I held her on such a pedestal that I lost sight of who I was and what I am capable of being. I love her still and probably always will regardless of what happens with our marriage. The thing is if we get back together things are going to need to change completely and not just on my part. I have been going out heaps with friends and am trying to keep busy as I can, the worst period was that first week so far I had to call a Psychiatrist around the 3rd day because I tried to go head on with a truck on my way home from work, when that failed, I went home and don't even really remember either instance but I found my self looking in the cupboard at her heart medication and thinking enough of them will stop my heart and probably put me to sleep. Was a miracle because I just picked a random psychiatrist number from the phone book was about 7 o'clock at night and he picked up said his office is closed and he's normally not open past 5:30 And that he's working from home to come right over. I have seen him about 5 times now and he's helped a lot not with my marriage because he said it's pointless working on that if I'm the only one who's interested in trying to fix it. But he's taught me alot about myself and why I do the things I do, like put myself second and let her walk all over me. Funny when he said to me " You need to ****ing man up and take control of your life" He said no one can make you kill your self, your wife can't make you kill your self, a friend cant make you kill your self, a family member or friend dieing can't make you kill your self, that only you can do that and that I have been self destructing for a while, and that this just pushed me over the edge. I know I haven't been perfect and I could have taken a much different stance in our marriage but trying to always please her took over my life and doing what I though she wanted to do ended up being the total opposite. It's amazing how much I have changed in these past 3 weeks, I still hurt and miss her like crazy, I have dreams about her every night and it's always with us being separated, but I wake up and say to myself today is only going to be what I make it out to be. If I want to be sad then I will be sad, if I want to be angry then I will be angry and if by some miracle I want to be happy all I can do is try and be happy. It's amazing what you can feel by just being nice and smiling when you talk to people. Some times I feel like I am faking it but it does make me feel better even if it's only for a little while. I was talking to one of her friends the other day when I was at a party this girl was at, she said she can't see my wife with anyone else but me and me with anyone else but her. Then she told me something one of her other friends told my wife and it kinda made me smile inside. She said Wife's name **** by the time you sort what ever **** it is you have going on inside your head at the moment, you are going to lose the best man that you could ever hope to find. found out another one of her friends said something similar to her. Maybe that only fueled her fires maybe that's why I feel like some times when I would try to talk to her in those first few days she seemed like she was mad at me even if I was just asking if she wanted some of what I was making for supper. In the end I want to try and work things out but am trying to prepare myself for the cold hard fact that they probably won't work out and I will need to stand on my own two feet for the first time in a very long time. I am scared of being alone probably more then anything, I find when I am alone at times I get that anxious feeling and almost don't know what to do with my self. I have a long road ahead of me and it's going to be a challenge, I have been looking at flats and think flatting with other people will be the best thing for me at the moment. I feel like a child at times and say where the *** is that guy who stood up when your father died when you were 15, Where is that confident teen who was always into sports and was independent and confident in himself. I feel like somewhere along the way since my wife and I moved in together when we were younger I lost that person and put all that focus onto her to build her up and forgot that I still needed to work on me from time to time too. Sorry for the Novel but I find when I start typing on here I don't know when to stop like all my feelings and thoughts want to jump out and I show me I will be alright regardless. I started playing my Guitar and singing for the first time in a very long time, she use to get pissed off if I played around her for some reason would tell me to go into the other room and I would get side tracked with something and well just stop playing. Forgot how much I love music and just playing and writing stuff. Well lunch hour is over back to work thanks again guys, I hope this 180 thing works to prepare me for anything and for the future, fingers crossed


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sounds like you are pretty far along the way to your own recovery. I too am remembering that I have my own life, through all this I have found a level of confidence that was buried somewhere these past few years of marriage. Keep going strong!

(ps long winded is fine and if you break your thoughts into paragraphs you'll get some good responses on here)


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> sounds like you are pretty far along the way to your own recovery. I too am remembering that I have my own life, through all this I have found a level of confidence that was buried somewhere these past few years of marriage. Keep going strong!
> 
> (ps long winded is fine and if you break your thoughts into paragraphs you'll get some good responses on here)


Thanks for the heads up on the paragraph thing Lon. I am trying to be strong dude, I still hurt a lot and am still having alot of problems coming to terms with it all. Still wanting answers and trying to come up with some sort of rhyme or reason.

I have gotten some great help from friends and professionals over these past few weeks. I feel like I am holding onto the edge of a skyscraper by my fingernails, but I also know I have alot better grip then I did in week one or last week hell even yesterday.

I have been looking at places to live/flat and it's all a bit scary but to every end there is a new beginning or so I have been told. I know it's still extremely young in the breakup and I will probably have a wide range of feelings between now and the time this is all over. I gotta remember to try and stay the course and just focus on moving on minute by minute, day by day with or without my wife in my life.


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Strange thing happened when I got home tonight. Got out of the car and found a Gulf Tee on the floor in the back of the car. Now my head is running a hundred miles an hour because my wife is not the sportiest of people and golfing would probably be one of the last things she would do. Maybe my gut feeling is right and maybe there is someone else? now I just want to call her and confront her about it, sigh this is so #[email protected]#% unreal.  but I am probably flying off the handle and just need to settle down and stop jumping to conclusions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is there another man?

Usually when someons says ILYBINILWY, there is. 

Don't confront her w/o evidence. Is there a way you can check her call logs or use a voice recorder?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Is there another man?
> 
> Usually when someons says ILYBINILWY, there is.
> 
> Don't confront her w/o evidence. Is there a way you can check her call logs or use a voice recorder?


:iagree: a little surveillance would be in order at this point... check her phone logs, internet history get a VAR, find out what she has really been up to. Not sure how the courts work elsewhere, in my jurisdiction its no fault so affair doesn't really mean much except it can expedite the divorce hearing.

I hate to jump to conclusions here Conscience, but it has become so clear after seeing other men whose wives have left that follow this same script what is probably going on. After all these years I had no idea some people, women, could be wired that way - thought we were all pretty much selfless except when in a toxic environment turns out being the nice guy isn't the right way to go about life after all. (sorry, that sounds depressing but I'm having some difficulty dealing with it this morning, a whole lifetime of thinking one way that I need/want to change is kind of daunting)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> I hate to jump to conclusions here Conscience, but it has become so clear after seeing other men whose wives have left that follow this same script what is probably going on.


And just to point out, it's not gender-specific. In most cases on this site and elsewhere, when a man tells his wife out of the blue ILYBINILWY and wants out, there is almost always a third party involved. It sucks.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's having an affair plain and simple. Your move.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I also agree, more investigation is needed.

The thing about close friends is there never a good sorce for info. My cheating wife would never tell her friends the evil she was doing. For her why would she go around telling her friends she was weak, selfish cheater.

When theres an affair going on its a second life with second friends the LS has no idea about. That just my experience.

And with that it was my experience that doing my own investiagation and getting the evidence was a necesity for me to find out what was realy going on and confronting it.


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

Yea, I fear the worst but am still going to try and contain my feelings until I find out. I have told her before, before we even go married that if either of us cheat it's over, and I still feel that way, if she cheated I would leave and never look back. So why is it that if she has that kind of escape door and she wants out of the marriage and if she has cheated or has someone else she hasn't used it. 

I realise the gulf tee could have came from anywhere, I realise I am looking for answers and that the ones I find I may not like. I also know that from reading other posts that holding out on sex for example is something women use when there are other problems in the relationship. 

I know she has self esteem issues about her weight that she put on. I don't want to be the guy who ends up looking like a joke when it all ends and I find out there was another man for a while, I don't know what I would do. Like I said she has a free pass out of the marriage if she came clean and told me she cheated, so if she wants out like it looks she does why not just use the free pass and tell me she cheated and there is someone else?

I will ask about the tee and see what kind of reaction I get. I won't accuse or anything but just to see if she gets edgy or defensive about it. I may need to do some surveillance but I don't know the password to her work blackberry and is it worth going out and spending hundreds of dollars on recording devices for something that is probably over any how? 

I would like to know but I don't want my life revolving around following her and trying to spy on what she does. In the end at this point is anything I do really going to change anything about the way she's acted or behaved? 

I am hurting big time and I want to know every detail that has led us to where we are. I know she isn't telling me everything but maybe I need to stand my ground and just say regardless if you think you're going to hurt me I need to know why you want this separation. Because not knowing all the facts and trying to piece things together by myself is probably worse then knowing. 

And it will let me know weather or not it's time to move on and get start living my new life. The old saying nice guys finish last is so true, I have this woman my whole heart and devotion, support and being. The people or group of friends I talk to that we both know have said some times people don't know what they got till it's gone and maybe the reason she's leaving that slight crack of hope is because your her backup plan. If shes not able to go out and find someone she knows she's got a great guy as a backup.

I say, I ain't dumb and that if we do the full on separation that I don't think I would come back to her. The thing is I don't know what I would do, I try to be strong but I hate going to bed by myself and I hate not having my best friend there to talk to and I dread waking up in the morning because of the wish wash feeling I have in my stomach all dam day and evening. I just want to get over like it seems she has with me. But I am struggling to even make it through some days with the fact that it is all over. 

It pisses me off because I use to try and pride myself on being strong and thinking I could deal with anything. This whole situation has devastated me to my core . And I feel at times like I am getting a grip on the situation in my mind. And then something comes up and I find myself slipping off the edge again like her going on vacation with her friends and finding that Gulf tee in the car. I am so sick of feeling this way but the harder I try to be strong the harder I fall when it shows she's making moves in her life to seriously move on.


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

the guy said:


> I also agree, more investigation is needed.
> 
> The thing about close friends is there never a good sorce for info. My cheating wife would never tell her friends the evil she was doing. For her why would she go around telling her friends she was weak, selfish cheater.
> 
> ...


What did you do to find out? as in what steps did you take to catch her in her lies and find out she was cheating. I don't even know where to begin.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Turnera is really good at how to find out these things as well as a few other posters...hopefully Turn will see this and post how to find out.

If you want to, you can copy/paste your thread into the Coping with Infidelity thread and ask for advice how to snoop.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Separation is another way for the walk away spouse to live like a single person and have an affair (or affairs) if he/she so chooses and not feel guilty about it because - in their mind - separation is like being divorced and therefore they are really not cheating on their spouses.

The reason why she doesn't tell you she wants a divorce or that she is having an affair is because that would mean she would no longer have you around just in case things don't work out well with her lover(s). Expecting a alleged cheating wife to play fair is simply ludicrous.

Even if a walk away wife isn't having an affair, a separation rarely results in an eventual reuniting of the couple. Being apart for a year or longer will eventually lead to an emotional detachment that will be very hard to overcome if the walk away spouse wants to return.

Affair or not, are you willing to put your life on hold for a dubious return of your wife?


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## conscience (Jul 19, 2011)

*Re: Going though a trial separation*



morituri said:


> Separation is another way for the walk away spouse to live like a single person and have an affair (or affairs) if he/she so chooses and not feel guilty about it because - in their mind - separation is like being divorced and therefore they are really not cheating on their spouses.
> 
> The reason why she doesn't tell you she wants a divorce or that she is having an affair is because that would mean she would no longer have you around just in case things don't work out well with her lover(s). Expecting a alleged cheating wife to play fair is simply ludicrous.
> 
> ...


I hear you and I understand what you are saying. If she does date or what not I told her it's over once she takes the focus of this supposed trial separation off us that that was it for me. So I gave her and out clause right there and she said fine no dating. 

I know what you are saying about putting my life on hold and I have had a few friends say the same thing you are saying. But I am not ready to walk away yet and unless there is another man involved. I will do everything in my power to try and get back what we lost along the way with out losing sight of myself this time around in the process. 

I know I am probably being naive but I just can't see turning my back on things if she seriously only needs time to sort her self out. now I know that may be the case with her or it may not be the case and more times then not it's not the case.

If it's over between us then I would hope she comes forward sooner rather then later but as long as there is a flicker of hope at least with for us to work things out then I have give it a chance. I know if we do get back together that there is a hell of alot of work from both sides that need to happen and that we both need to commit 150% of us to making things work. 

It's hard to walk away from something when you're not the one who's having the feelings or lack of. I don't think I could Waite a year for her to come around but I could see me giving her a few months maybe 3-6. I don't see myself being ready to move onto another relationship any time soon anyhow. So what do I have to lose in the meantime.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Re: Going though a trial separation*



conscience said:


> I hear you and I understand what you are saying. If she does date or what not I told her it's over once she takes the focus of this supposed trial separation off us that that was it for me. So I gave her and out clause right there and she said fine no dating.
> 
> I know what you are saying about putting my life on hold and I have had a few friends say the same thing you are saying. But I am not ready to walk away yet and unless there is another man involved. I will do everything in my power to try and get back what we lost along the way with out losing sight of myself this time around in the process.
> 
> ...


Other than hiring a private detective, there is really no way for you to know if she is or isn't seeing another man. Your trust in her is admirable but perhaps too easy to be taken advantage of. I hope she doesn't decide to brake it.

While I'm not suggesting that you file for divorce as a manipulation tactic to get your wife back and have her work her butt off to rebuild the marriage, don't underestimate the power it can have on an undecided/fence sitting spouse. It can very well be THE best indicator to confirm whether she still loves you and wants to be your wife again or if she's done with you and wants to move on with her life. Also keep in mind that even if you were to file for divorce, it would still probably take a couple of months until it would become final. Filing would speak volumes to her that you are not playing around and that you will not wait for her to decide. Brinskmanship? Yes but isn't her decision to separate one as well? Think about it.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

There are some ways you can investigate. Do you share your cell accounts? You may be able to turn on GPS tracking on her phone. You'd do this with your carrier. Cellphone logs can be helpful too. A friend of mine got a call about excessive minutes on a cellphone. She found it odd and looked at the logs. Her husband was calling someone frequently. She had GPS tracking turned on and eventually found him with another woman. She confronted him with divorce papers. He knew he was caught.

Be very careful about computers and cellphones that are not part of your control. Her cellphone on a joint account is fair game. A computer that is separate from your use is out of bounds, legally. However, if you have access you will at least get information. Just understand you wouldn't be able to use that in court.

I highly suggest that you start either surveillance on your own or checking her phone logs if possible.


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