# Gaslighting?



## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

I’m really looking for this community’s advice.

Tonight was my husband’s holiday party. I told him if he wanted to go, I would go with him- whatever he wanted. Trying to be a supportive wife. So we went.

There was no seating, other than the 15 minutes we sat down to eat. I stood in heels for the remaining 2-2.5 hours. It got to the point where I couldn’t stand anymore and told my husband I was sorry but my feet hurt. He had won a raffle so went off to redeem it. I patiently waited for him on a couch I went off and found so I could sit. I waited for about 10-15 minutes or so. By this time , all of our friends were leaving.I had texted him asking if he was ready (as by this time I was unsure what he was doing and he said 5 minutes). 5 minutes went by and our close friends leaving asked me where my husband was and I said he was redeeming a raffle ticket but my feet were killing me. They asked if I wanted a ride home. They live a few streets over from us. I told them I would just wait but they could see I was miserable (they were leaving too because her feet hurt) and insisted I call him. So I called my husband and asked if it made sense for them to give me a ride home. My intentions were truly just to try and not ruin his night and make him leave, if he was having fun. He replied extremely irritated and angerily “stop it, why are you doing this to me!?!?” Which really upset me. I was just trying to make sure his night was about him. Our friends asked what he said and I told them he was in a pissy mood and I would just wait. They visibly felt bad which made me feel worse. 3 minutes later my husband came . It turned out it took a long time for him to redeem his raffle. I told him it hurt my feelings he yelled at me when I was just trying to ensure I wasn’t ruining his night if he wanted to stay as I didn’t know the situation , and told him he could have simply said he just needed 2-3 more minutes rather than yell at me like a child.

I simply wanted him to acknowledge that he didn’t need to speak to me that way- yet he told me it’s my fault , I make him yell because I don’t have patience.

He proceeded to yell aggressively at me the entire car ride home. That I ruined his night. He never wants to go anywhere with me again. I’m never fun- many hurtful digs. And that I don’t care about him if I’m his wife, and I am willing to leave without him, when he told me 5 minutes. He proceeded to yell that everyone else there was having fun with their wife and would never leave without them, but I don’t care about him and am selfish and would just leave. That I have no patience. That I bring out the worst in him. All the while- he was yelling aggressively. It honestly scared me.

I tried to calmly explain I didn’t know where he was, what he was doing, and i thought asking if I should get a ride home with close friends was not problematic and was coming from a place of caring about his night. If in fact he really just needed 2-3 more minutes, why was he so triggered? Why couldn’t he calmly tell me that?

As I’m writing this- I know we need therapy. This is not the first time this is happening. I’m scared about bringing it up to him. Scared he won’t want to do it. I don’t understand how a simpe question could get so blown out of proportion and why he simply can’t acknowledge he shouldnt have yelled at me. He often does things like this- invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like a monster, when I know I’m not. I’m tired of sweeping these arguments under the rug. I’m tired of feeling sorry for things I shouldn’t feel sorry for. Is this gaslighting?


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## SophiaT (Dec 5, 2021)

Following....My husband blames everything on me whenever there is an argument, small or big. Sign......


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

SophiaTagge said:


> Following....My husband blames everything on me whenever there is an argument, small or big. Sign......


I suspect is one of those guys that likes to bask in the glory, and be the center of attention. He just can't be happy slipping in to get his raffle prize and then slip out again.
In his mind, you ruined his evening, because he couldn't walk down the middle aisle to get his prize and stand around for the applause and then glad-hand evrybody on the way out. That's why he's mad.
He likely has a huge ego.

In my opinion, you were right and he was wrong. When your feet started hurting, that's when he should have also been ready to leave the moment he got his prize.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I were once told that we don't "look married", because...wait for it...we're too polite to each other! We were blown away when someone we'd just met actually said that to us.

Neither of us would ever behave toward the other the way your husband behaved toward you OP. He owes you an apology, and you need to insist on it. I'm so sad for you x


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmmm. he was not acting very gentlemanly. 

but one thing about these holidays...some people really can not handle the stress. and, i assume this was some sort of work holiday party....that doubles the stress level as his boss and his boss's boss were there, and he probably was trying to shmooze them up. So, having a good time was maybe not the #1 thing on the priority list for the night.

I do not understand the wearing of high heels, obviously. they LOOK GREAT to a guy, and are very sexy! But if you can not wear them for 2 1/2 hours that party demands, maybe you have to find something sexy that does not hurt as much to wear. Luckily, there is only ONE work holiday party a year you have to endure for him, and that was it. time to party for real now!


apparently, this is a more-common problem than i thought:









17 Gorgeous New Year's Eve Party Shoes That Aren’t High Heels


New Year's Eve is one of the biggest party nights of the year — it's filled with fireworks, champagne toasts, and celebrating with all of your favorite people. It's also one of the most fun nights of the year to get all dressed up from head to toe.…




www.bustle.com


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is only polite to participate in the threads you start. People won't offer advice if they know you can't be bothered to acknowledge their contribution. See your previous thread.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> hmmmm. he was not acting very gentlemanly.
> 
> but one thing about these holidays...some people really can not handle the stress. and, i assume this was some sort of work holiday party....that doubles the stress level as his boss and his boss's boss were there, and he probably was trying to shmooze them up. So, having a good time was maybe not the #1 thing on the priority list for the night.
> 
> ...


I agree. High heels are SO bad for our feet. Wear lower heels you are comfortable in.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wear more sensible footwear.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You can be honest with him about you both needing marriage therapy and that it's not acceptable to you when he yells at you. That you should both calm down and then discuss things.

You could also keep a spare pair of comfy flats in the car in case this happens again. Who here hasn't ditched the heels when they get painful?


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I suspect is one of those guys that likes to bask in the glory, and be the center of attention. He just can't be happy slipping in to get his raffle prize and then slip out again.
> In his mind, you ruined his evening, because he couldn't walk down the middle aisle to get his prize and stand around for the applause and then glad-hand evrybody on the way out. That's why he's mad.
> He likely has a huge ego.
> 
> In my opinion, you were right and he was wrong. When your feet started hurting, that's when he should have also been ready to leave the moment he got his prize.


Thanks, I appreciate your insight


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> You can be honest with him about you both needing marriage therapy and that it's not acceptable to you when he yells at you. That you should both calm down and then discuss things.
> 
> You could also keep a spare pair of comfy flats in the car in case this happens again. Who here hasn't ditched the heels when they get painful?


I appreciate the advice. In previous years there has always been lots of seating at his holiday party. In fact, we’ve often been seated the majority of the night. I’m not usually one to wear heels but figured, I would since we usually sit at this party. I’m definitely the type to ditch heels for comfier shoes. The party itself was also winding down, everyone had already eaten, and like I said, all of our friends were leaving. We had a great time up until this outburst. In my mind, he ruined the evening


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Wear more sensible footwear.


As previously mentioned, In previous years this party always has lots of seating. This year they changed venues and had hardly any. First time in 5 or so years they did that


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> hmmmm. he was not acting very gentlemanly.
> 
> but one thing about these holidays...some people really can not handle the stress. and, i assume this was some sort of work holiday party....that doubles the stress level as his boss and his boss's boss were there, and he probably was trying to shmooze them up. So, having a good time was maybe not the #1 thing on the priority list for the night.
> 
> ...


i totally see your perspective, the bosses were all there. That’s why when our friends were leaving j offered to go with them if he wanted to stay if he had been chatting with them. In fact, the friends who offered to drive me home were his manager and his girlfriend. I truly didn’t mean it in a malicious or uncaring way. The party itself was winding down


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

frusdil said:


> My husband and I were once told that we don't "look married", because...wait for it...we're too polite to each other! We were blown away when someone we'd just met actually said that to us.
> 
> Neither of us would ever behave toward the other the way your husband behaved toward you OP. He owes you an apology, and you need to insist on it. I'm so sad for you x


I know there are obviously arguments in marriage, but I was so hurt he yelled like that, publicly- when his friends were also just trying to be nice. He told me originally he only wanted to go for an hour. That coupled with previous years of seating at this party, I though heels would be sensible. Other women were also uncomfortable.

To then yell such hurtful things makes me believe there are underlying issues. To your point, he could have acted kindly and spoken to me after about any disappointment rather than go on a screaming tirade and dismiss my feelings.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Have you tried talking to him about it again? Maybe over coffee sometime today?


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Have you tried talking to him about it again? Maybe over coffee sometime today?


Not yet, I disengaged last night when he wouldn’t talk and was only screaming and yelling.

I woke up earlier and he’s still sleeping. Going to bed angry and waking up angry or hurt is never healthy. But I’m not going to engage if I’m just going to be screamed at and told I’m crazy.

Generally I end up having to grovel and apologize for things to get better. I don’t even feel like I should be apologizing. We had a great time, the party ran its course. As previously mentioned, we’ve gone to this party for 5 years and there is always seating, thus my choice in shoes. This year there was hardly any. I asked an innocent question (in my mind) and he blew up. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but did I?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like you should let go of focusing on the party, and instead address his horrible ways of talking to you and relating to you, in general. If I were you I'd ask for marriage counseling and I'd be considering divorce if things didn't improve.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ee2820 said:


> Not yet, I disengaged last night when he wouldn’t talk and was only screaming and yelling.
> 
> I woke up earlier and he’s still sleeping. Going to bed angry and waking up angry or hurt is never healthy. But I’m not going to engage if I’m just going to be screamed at and told I’m crazy.
> 
> Generally I end up having to grovel and apologize for things to get better. I don’t even feel like I should be apologizing. We had a great time, the party ran its course. As previously mentioned, we’ve gone to this party for 5 years and there is always seating, thus my choice in shoes. This year there was hardly any. I asked an innocent question (in my mind) and he blew up. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but did I?


It doesn't sound like to me that you didn't do anything wrong.
There may be subjective reasons why your husband choose to stay longer than you would have preferreed, whether it be that he wanted to schmoose with his bosses, in hopes of making an impression for a future promotion, or whatever. However, I do think he failed you in that he should have been sensitive to the fact that your feet were hurting and there wasn't much for you to do and allowed your friends to take you home or call you a cab.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Ee2820 said:


> i totally see your perspective, the bosses were all there. That’s why when our friends were leaving j offered to go with them if he wanted to stay if he had been chatting with them. In fact, the friends who offered to drive me home were his manager and his girlfriend. I truly didn’t mean it in a malicious or uncaring way. The party itself was winding down


i know.
maybe he THOUGHT you would be leaving soon, but ended up snagged in some conversatons.

being covid times, working from home and all, it is fairly important to actually have physical contact time with co workers and bosses at work. Maybe he is trying to figure out if the layoff rumors are true or not, and if he is safe? He is shmoozing up to the big boss, and almost getting an answer, then you text him and he is distracted. 

Who knows what he was doing, but yeah, he probably should have let you go home with the neighbors. 

at this point, it is pretty important to just let it slide. the party was important to him, you did not enjoy it and made sure he knew that...so just let sleeping dogs lie. this could blow up into a monster problem if you keep bugging him about it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ee2820 said:


> _*Generally I end up having to grovel and apologize for things to get better. *_


And you've been putting up with this complete bull-**** for years because *why*?????

He sure as hell doesn't sound special enough to warrant literally wasting your life on someone like this - unless he stands to inherit millions of dollars from his sainted Aunt Edna in the very near future?

Otherwise, I can't think of ONE legitimate reason for why you'd stay with this abusive ass-wipe.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I am betting this is not an isolated incident neither …


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I am sorry this is the state of your marriage.

So his behavior is in no way acceptable. Period.

I think you should go about your business. I would totally ignore him. I wouldn't not answer him if he asked a question but I wouldn't make dinner or lunch or plans with him. I would not apologize. You've already express regret that you didn't know what he was doing. He has not expressed regret for yelling and causing a scene or being unreasonably hostile. 

If he tries to act like nothing happened and say something like "what do you want for lunch." 
You: "Don't worry about me I"ll make my own lunch"
Him: "We could have lunch together"
You: " I'm sorry I don't feel like having lunch with you. The way you spoke to me last night and the way you yelled at me has me feeling resentful. That isn't the way loving couples communicate"

That's it. Ball in his court. Don't apologize, don't make his life easier, don't be ****ty. Just say what is true. He treated you in an inexcusable manner and hasn't made any attempt to discuss or get past the event. IF he is expecting you to cave and beg him to forgive you, just don't.

Now after that exercise you need to sit and be honest. Do you passive aggressively come up with reasons to leave places he might want to stay? Is this typical? It doesn't sound like it is but most people are passive aggressive because then they can say... All I did was (something that sounds reasonable). Is he harboring resentment for some other reason?

Eventually you two need to talk and you both need to discuss how this happened. What is acceptable in the future and what could have been done differently. You now know leaving without him bothers him. He knows that you don't appreciate being yelled at. Next time maybe set a time that after that time you will catch a ride or call an uber to go home and just send him a text. Maybe next time he can answer the phone and just say sounds great I got caught up talking with someone. I'll see you at home.

I hate to be the one to bring it up..... Are you sure there wasn't someone at the party of the female persuasion that he likes or is having an emotional affair with? or wants to? I ask because his reaction is someone who was doing something he really wanted to do and you interrupted that. Nothing like a call from the wife to remind his co-worker he is married. Hence you ruined it. People also tend to lash out angry when they feel guilt as a means of deflection.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ee2820 said:


> I don’t understand how a simpe question could get so blown out of proportion and why he simply can’t acknowledge he shouldnt have yelled at me. He often does things like this- invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like a monster, when I know I’m not. I’m tired of sweeping these arguments under the rug. I’m tired of feeling sorry for things I shouldn’t feel sorry for. Is this gaslighting?


Call it gaslighting if you wish. In my neck of the woods, we simply call it abuse.

And you are complicit in the abusive cycle when you rug sweep it and grovel and beg to him for forgiveness.

Maybe you should look within yourself to discover why you continue to participate in this abusive cycle. Seriously.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Call it gaslighting if you wish. In my neck of the woods, we simply call it abuse.
> 
> And you are complicit in the abusive cycle when you rug sweep it and grovel and beg to him for forgiveness.
> 
> Maybe you should look within yourself to discover why you continue to participate in this abusive cycle. Seriously.


I told him I’m sorry if I did hurt his feelings. But I told him regardless, I won’t tolerate being yelled at or spoken to that way.

I told him I’m acknowledging his feelings and he basically is still insisting that everything is my fault. I caused him to yell, it’s my fault. That I only think about myself. How dare I even ask him to leave with someone else. I don’t care about him. That when he goes to things for me he’ll suffer until I want to leave … which is funny because I always leave (whether I want to or not) when he wants to go. I tried to explain I’m independent and we don’t always have to do everything together and he isn’t buying it. He’s also mad I complained the food wasn’t good at the event and that I made a comment I would make eggs when I got home. It’s not like I was demanding we leave or anything because the food wasn’t good. It was also a cash bar with a massive line all night and since my feet hurt, I didn’t want to stand in it so he’s blaming me. He could have offered to wait and let me go sit somewhere. 

He refuses to listen to where I’m coming from. I’m trying to explain none of this was my intention, and I took responsibility for any actions he may have been hurt by. I told him it shouldn’t be about who is right or wrong - he disagrees. He’s mimicking me about my feet hurting.

It’s impossible. Feeling extremely defeated as his only solution is that I cause him to get angry so we shouldn’t do anything together. And that if anything he’s sorry he’s mad at himself for letting me get him so angry. And now blames me for ruining his Sunday. 

Why even be together?


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Call it gaslighting if you wish. In my neck of the woods, we simply call it abuse.
> 
> And you are complicit in the abusive cycle when you rug sweep it and grovel and beg to him for forgiveness.
> 
> Maybe you should look within yourself to discover why you continue to participate in this abusive cycle. Seriously.


When things are good, they’re great. I do want to try and fix this. But I can’t be complacent anymore in letting him not accept responsibility and spin everything to be my fault.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

DLC said:


> I am betting this is not an isolated incident neither …


It isn’t. I feel like this happens often.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I am sorry this is the state of your marriage.
> 
> So his behavior is in no way acceptable. Period.
> 
> ...


Funny you mentioned that. He knew I was upset and tried to hug me and asked if he should order breakfast. I told him I wasn’t hungry. He asked if he could make something, I said I wasn’t hungry. He made me breakfast anyway.
He then asked if I wanted to run an errand with him and I told him I didn’t feel like it. I was still feeling upset at how he spoke to me. That’s when things exploded again- and he placed all the blame on me and told me I was ruining his Sunday. When I tried explain my intentions or how I felt- he basically told me I should have never felt that way. I was wrong and that’s why he was mad. It’s impossible


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Things are only good when they’re exactly as he wants them to be. He’s not very likely to change so you’ll have to decide whether that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

I will add - he says I do this often. There are a few times I haven’t been keen to go with him to events. For starters, the last I can think of my brother was in town on the 4th of July and he got extremely mad that I wanted to hang out with my brother rather than go to his friends 4th of July party. I ended up going to the party, rather than hang out with my brother. He feels he always sacrifices for me, but I never sacrifice for him. I really do try- but it’s like if I don’t act and behave exactly how he wants- explosion.

i don’t think there was another woman. He was waiting in line to redeem a prize he won. Again I had no idea it was taking that long- he said 5 minutes- but again for all I knew he was talking having a good time. He can’t understand my intent was to make sure I wasn’t ruining his night. He said I should have sat and sufferer and waited as long as it took him and I have no patience.

he then proceeded to bring up a time when we went on a movie date he picked- which was a horrible movie- super gory and nothing I would want to watch- and was upset I was just willing to Uber home. I didn’t, I suffered through the movie.He interprets everything as me abondining him and compares us to other couples—- personally, I don’t care what other people think or do. It should be about what’s good for us. I’m not perfect. Sure I’ve made mistakes. But so has he. And it’s impossible to learn and grow when he only sees his side, won’t acknowledge my feelings , and doesn’t believe I’m putting anything into the relationship when it doesn’t fit his exact agenda.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This man has no idea how to provide a healthy, good relationship to you. I'm sorry about that. I really don't see him ever changing. 

I had to divorce around 17 years in, due to dynamics like this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ee2820 said:


> Why even be together?


Perhaps a good place to start is asking yourself why you remain. It's not a matter of staying because things can be "great." It's a matter of deciding if it outweighs the abuse. 



Ee2820 said:


> I do want to try and fix this.


The only way you can "fix" this - and you can't do it alone - is if he's onboard with counseling. As it stands, he is comfortable with the dynamic. He yells and carries on, and you grovel. He gets to feel he is in control. The thing is, if you set boundaries as to what you will and will not accept, he'll go berserk. Then what? Are you willing to walk away from this? YOUR life. YOUR choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ee2820 said:


> I really do try- but it’s like if I don’t act and behave exactly how he wants- explosion.


Wow. Just. Wow. Your husband is an abusive jerk. And you make excuses for his crappy behavior. I don't need to know more about what he does or says or feels. I get it. He's an asshole. 

But you need to figure out why you have tolerated this thus far.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

You are right.

When I tried to set boundaries today, by not just accepting his nice gestures and sweeping things under the rug- and refusing to be spoken to that way- asking for an apology- it exploded even more.

I can’t help but feel like a failure. I take marriage and commitment very seriously - but to all of your points- I can’t tolerate this for my whole life. Something has to change and I agree, we need counseling or it’s never going to change.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ee2820 said:


> You are right.
> 
> When I tried to set boundaries today, by not just accepting his nice gestures and sweeping things under the rug- and refusing to be spoken to that way- asking for an apology- it exploded even more.
> 
> I can’t help but feel like a failure. I take marriage and commitment very seriously - but to all of your points- I can’t tolerate this for my whole life. Something has to change and I agree, we need counseling or it’s never going to change.


Ok so set boundaries but you can't make him do anything. I wouldn't ask for an apology unless he asks what do you want? And do you really want an apology or better communication skills.

Next time he raises his voice or blames you for everything then leave. Leave the room or the house. Go shopping or go to the park or what have you. Remain calm and simply say. I will not tolerate you yelling at me anymore, it isn't how I want to live. If he stops yelling but continues to blame you for ruining his whole life because you were willing to go home without him. Simply work toward the future. Say I'm sorry you feel that way. I wasn't trying to make you feel anyway. In the future, I will simply catch a ride and be nice enough to give you a text so you know that I'm ok. I do not expect you to leave, please stay and enjoy yourself.

Now let's talk about the movie. Unless you are agoraphobic it is a bit over the top to want to leave in the middle of the movie. I can understand asking if he was enjoying it and if you both wanted to leave you leave. But other than that you sit and 'enjoy' the movie with your spouse. Then after the movie you let him talk about it. You can point out things you thought were silly but you don't have to poopoo the whole thing. Dating isn't about the movie it's about the person you are with. In the future you two should discuss movies beforehand since he doesn't seem to understand which movies you both might like.

The brother thing seems a bit much. Unless your brother is in town a lot then you could have split the time.

Personally when he's had enough of you not engaging and asks what it is you want. I'd respond that I want to be able to communicate without being yelled at or blamed for everything. I'd point out that you are not responsible for his feelings. Once he can communicate more calmly then perhaps you two can come up with reasonable compromises. Such as if you have trouble being places for long periods of time then pre-set an amount of time that you two will spend. Then if he wants to stay later you'll catch a different ride home. ON the flip side you agree to be with him and stay at places until that point in time. 

If he doesn't learn how to communicate without yelling then you need to do some thinking on is this how you want to keep going?

Usually the leaving every time voices are raised will show them that you simply will not tolerate it. We teach people how to treat us. In a way he is trying to teach you that you will stay with him happily and if you don't do everything he is expecting he will yell and try to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ee2820 said:


> I’m really looking for this community’s advice.
> 
> Tonight was my husband’s holiday party. I told him if he wanted to go, I would go with him- whatever he wanted. Trying to be a supportive wife. So we went.
> 
> ...


He has no empathy. He doesn't probably believe that your feet were killing you from being in high heels. I can't believe you had to go someplace where there was no place to sit. Don't let him use this as an excuse to stop taking you to office parties because the wife needs to have a presence so that single women in the office or even married ones don't start getting the idea he's up for grabs. In fact you never know when he may have been wishing he was single that night for all you know. 

Anyway one thing you know for sure, don't wear high heels to any parties you go to with him. Maybe next time you drive so you can leave when you need to.


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## Ee2820 (Nov 20, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so set boundaries but you can't make him do anything. I wouldn't ask for an apology unless he asks what do you want? And do you really want an apology or better communication skills.
> 
> Next time he raises his voice or blames you for everything then leave. Leave the room or the house. Go shopping or go to the park or what have you. Remain calm and simply say. I will not tolerate you yelling at me anymore, it isn't how I want to live. If he stops yelling but continues to blame you for ruining his whole life because you were willing to go home without him. Simply work toward the future. Say I'm sorry you feel that way. I wasn't trying to make you feel anyway. In the future, I will simply catch a ride and be nice enough to give you a text so you know that I'm ok. I do not expect you to leave, please stay and enjoy yourself.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice- I’m trying to follow suit. Better communication is absolutely what I want. At this point, I can’t even engage in a conversation without him getting angry.. I’ve tried an almost identical talk track regarding the event last night and he just is so angry. I feel like when he talks about me, it’s full of resentment, and I have a hard time believing he even loves me anymore.

I feel so misunderstood and hurt by the things he has said about me, including all these threats about never doing anything with me anymore, I don’t even care to engage in more conversation with him.

His words cut deep. I’m hoping he comes around to have an actual fair conversation.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Ee2820 said:


> Thanks for the advice- I’m trying to follow suit. Better communication is absolutely what I want. At this point, I can’t even engage in a conversation without him getting angry.. I’ve tried an almost identical talk track regarding the event last night and he just is so angry. I feel like when he talks about me, it’s full of resentment, and I have a hard time believing he even loves me anymore.
> 
> I feel so misunderstood and hurt by the things he has said about me, including all these threats about never doing anything with me anymore, I don’t even care to engage in more conversation with him.
> 
> His words cut deep. I’m hoping he comes around to have an actual fair conversation.


 Ok I am going to take a bit of a different point.. Mainly because even if your feet are hurting, I would have never even considered going home without my husband. I personally would have sat on the couch .. chatted with others and waited. 

That being said, his behavior after that was extremely immature. I get that he was mad but he should talk to you, not yell and blame. So I think you need to give him an example of how he should say things.. I believe they call it mirroring the same statement. I have found that my H hears one thing when I say it.. and I mean it a whole different way. Again it goes back to communicating but more so, how it is being said and heard.

Could he be holding resentment and anger about something else? It seems like this is just him exploding at you and it may not even be about this.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

So, he offered an olive branch in the morning and you hit him with lots of passive-aggressive bullxxxx. Couldn't you have used that as an opening to start a conversation about the previous night? It seems that you are both immature.

Also, were you making comments about the food loud enough that others could hear? That seems like a no-no to me at a company party. Again, I think you could both use some growing up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ee2820 said:


> When I tried to set boundaries today, by not just accepting his nice gestures and sweeping things under the rug- and refusing to be spoken to that way- asking for an apology- it exploded even more.


It's not going to change. You have allowed this to go on for so long, the chances of him treating you with respect are slim to none. Trying to set boundaries one time after groveling to him for years isn't going to have any positive results.

Sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings, but it sounds like your husband's number one need is to feel he's controlling the situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That's not gaslighting. That is being an A-hole. 

If he is intentionally doing things to hurt your feelings or humiliate you or tear you down - that is abuse. 

While a good MC may be able to make your H understand his behavior is hurtful and abusive, it will depend on his character to change his behavior and communication style. 

MC can only help people understand each other's feelings and motivations and help them to have more effective communication and conflict resolutions skills. 

What MC does NOT do is change character or turn someone from an A-hole into a kind and decent human being.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You absolutely should have trouble believing he loves you because when you do anything he disagrees with his actions say otherwise.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ee2820 said:


> I told him I’m sorry if I did hurt his feelings. But I told him regardless, I won’t tolerate being yelled at or spoken to that way.
> 
> I told him I’m acknowledging his feelings and he basically is still insisting that everything is my fault. I caused him to yell, it’s my fault. That I only think about myself. How dare I even ask him to leave with someone else. I don’t care about him. That when he goes to things for me he’ll suffer until I want to leave … which is funny because I always leave (whether I want to or not) when he wants to go. I tried to explain I’m independent and we don’t always have to do everything together and he isn’t buying it. He’s also mad I complained the food wasn’t good at the event and that I made a comment I would make eggs when I got home. It’s not like I was demanding we leave or anything because the food wasn’t good. It was also a cash bar with a massive line all night and since my feet hurt, I didn’t want to stand in it so he’s blaming me. He could have offered to wait and let me go sit somewhere.
> 
> ...


He is a total DIK! He is the type that is gonna slap the **** out of you or worse and then say you made him do it.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

He was probably off flirting with a woman and you interrupted him. If you ever go with him again, DO NOT WEAR HEELS. There are plenty of comfortable shoes that are fashionable and won't hurt your feet. That way you can keep an eye on him and won't be miserable. Plus you can always flirt with other guys while you are there.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Ee2820 said:


> I’m really looking for this community’s advice.
> 
> Tonight was my husband’s holiday party. I told him if he wanted to go, I would go with him- whatever he wanted. Trying to be a supportive wife. So we went.
> 
> ...


You are a good wife. I'd treat you differently.
Research all about gaslighting, Narcisstic behavior, read gottman's books on marriage.
Tell him if he behaves this way agsin you will get a order of protection, then do it or place one on him. Wow. I wish my wife was considerate as you were. Good luck. You are very loving. He could of had a good night w- happy ending, sorry he was a dufus


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

The people who are telling you that you should've worn different shoes are rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Your shoes were not the problem. This sounds like poor communication at best and verbal/emotional abuse at worst. Can you get individual counseling? Can he? Marital counseling? This sounds like a situation that needs some sort of professional help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ee2820 said:


> I’m really looking for this community’s advice.
> 
> Tonight was my husband’s holiday party. I told him if he wanted to go, I would go with him- whatever he wanted. Trying to be a supportive wife. So we went.
> 
> ...


I have only read this original post. 

I was married to a man who did this to me in a regular basis. I left. Not a moment of regret for doing so, only that I didn’t do it sooner. Men like this aren’t worth your time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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