# Another day, nothing new



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Wife is out and about gone for the day. I am home doing all the cleaning and work around the house that is necessary. As I said, nothing new or shocking there.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Why are you doing all the cleaning? Is your wife working or just having a her day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Why are you doing all the cleaning? Is your wife working or just having a her day?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I always do all of the cleaning. Okay, not all...95% would be close to accurate.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Are you a SAHD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Are you a SAHD?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. No kids and we both work full time.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

have you ever discussed with her that you would like the chores split more evenly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OMG... 95%???

and you wonder why nothing changes?

Here you go...

You do 51%

LET HER DO 49% if she gets ANGRY ...thats GOOD!
Gives you a chance to communicate about why your marriage got this way.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Many times, nothing ever really changes. I have gotten used to it, it is just harder some times than others keeping up with everything myself.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Many times, nothing ever really changes. I have gotten used to it, it is just harder some times than others keeping up with everything myself.


Why are you afraid of your own wife?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why are you afraid of your own wife?


I'm not, as I said, we have talked about this issue and nothing changes from it. The communication doesn't help on this one. 
As for me only doing 51% and making her do 49%, really? How do you make someone do things that they don't want to do?


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OMG... 95%???
> 
> and you wonder why nothing changes?
> 
> ...


This. And do not clean while she's out having fun... go do something fun yourself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Exactly. Just pick up after yourself and let her mess pile up. Do your laundry, dishes, ect and let her take care of her own crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Exactly. Just pick up after yourself and let her mess pile up. Do your laundry, dishes, ect and let her take care of her own crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This exactly.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I'm not, as I said, we have talked about this issue and nothing changes from it. The communication doesn't help on this one.
> As for me only doing 51% and making her do 49%, really? How do you make someone do things that they don't want to do?


Leave them undone..easy. Let her do them or leave them undone.
You need to create conflict to resolve this.

I'd like a slave too.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

delirium said:


> This. And do not clean while she's out having fun... go do something fun yourself.





Gaia said:


> Exactly. Just pick up after yourself and let her mess pile up. Do your laundry, dishes, ect and let her take care of her own crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have tried those tactics in the past. And I still try them every once in a while. The problem with that is, it doesn't bother her, but it bothers me. I can't stand the mess that piles up and things that are left laying around. For me to be comfortable at home and relaxed, I want clean and organized environment, she can ignore all of that. She has no problem laying on a couch that has her clean clothes piled on it for days while it drives me crazy. I can only go so long leaving her mess laying around until I can't live like that. So I take care of it because that is the only way I can be happy being in my house. The inside work, the outside work, I can get her to help every small once in a while.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

I guess you have to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Or if you're willing to hire a housekeeper (which sounds CRAZY to me but I hear it recommended here a lot in these kind of threads)

How is your marriage otherwise?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I have tried those tactics in the past. And I still try them every once in a while. The problem with that is, it doesn't bother her, but it bothers me. I can't stand the mess that piles up and things that are left laying around. For me to be comfortable at home and relaxed, I want clean and organized environment, she can ignore all of that. She has no problem laying on a couch that has her clean clothes piled on it for days while it drives me crazy. I can only go so long leaving her mess laying around until I can't live like that. So I take care of it because that is the only way I can be happy being in my house. The inside work, the outside work, I can get her to help every small once in a while.



Let the house go... choose the 51% you really care about.
Let your wife see 'Game over'.

You have to do this for a while until she notices.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Damn, gbrad, where were you when I had to get my apartment straightened up for inspection this week? 

JK..well, sort of. Gbrad, have you tried leaving her stuff lying around and then inviting one of HER friends over for dinner with you guys one night? Seriously, try that. Don't warn her ahead of time. Invite a friend of hers...or a couple that you know...to come over for dinner, last minute. But be sure you have the food available already, and cooking. Either she will clean up her stuff, or it will be all over the place, embarrassing her when her friend(s) see the house. Worth a shot since you have tried everything else...


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Let the house go... choose the 51% you really care about.
> Let your wife see 'Game over'.
> 
> You have to do this for a while until she notices.


I spend a lot more time at home than she does. I wish I could do that, I really do. But, my time at home, is when I am happiest. 
The other problem, she wouldn't even know 49% of the things that I do around the house. 
What I need is a way to get her to care about helping me. I don't want to hand out any ultimatums, she does not take well to that.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

delirium said:


> I guess you have to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Or if you're willing to hire a housekeeper (which sounds CRAZY to me but I hear it recommended here a lot in these kind of threads)
> 
> How is your marriage otherwise?


How is the marriage otherwise? ha. 

Well this is one of the big problems, atleast for me. And it has been, well, the entire time we have been married. It has just gotten worse over the years. She used to do more and help out with certain things more often, but now, no. 
And no, I am not willing to hire a housekeeper. We are more than capable of keeping our house clean ourselves. I do a decent job of it myself and if she helped out it would not be hard at all to stay on top of things.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I spend a lot more time at home than she does. I wish I could do that, I really do. But, my time at home, is when I am happiest.
> The other problem, she wouldn't even know 49% of the things that I do around the house.
> What I need is a way to get her to care about helping me. I don't want to hand out any ultimatums, she does not take well to that.


Why not... ultimatums are great when you are in the right stance on a subject.

She doesn't sound reasonable... people change when they HAVE TO. What you do has no teeth.

I have no problem telling my wife we need to fix our sexless marriage or else. She may not 'like it" she may drag her feet but in the end it gets fixed. I give her time to decide.

Ask yourself this question...

"What are you willing to accept?"

If you accept the way it is shut up and be happy. Be a maid.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

No one takes well to ultimatums gbrad. Just make yourself a sanctuary in your house and retreat to that. Stick with the letting her pick up her own crap. You should start putting all her dirty crap where she sleeps and you sleep elsewhere until she gets the fricken point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gbrad, try this... if you are washing laundry one day, for both of you, leave hers in a basket for HER to fold, hang up, put away. If you cook, she cleans up after. If she cooks, you clean up. She sweeps while you vacuum or vice versa. Just divide out all the chores and don't let her get out of doing her share.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

What is she doing when she is "gone for the day"? If she were home would she just watch you clean? Or help a little?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Gbrad, try this... if you are washing laundry one day, for both of you, leave hers in a basket for HER to fold, hang up, put away. If you cook, she cleans up after. If she cooks, you clean up. She sweeps while you vacuum or vice versa. Just divide out all the chores and don't let her get out of doing her share.


I stopped doing her laundry, unless it is to add a few pieces to make it normal size load. Problem is, even when she does her own, she leaves it laying around, doesn't fold it, or if she does, doesn't put it away. There are some clothes sitting in the bedroom that have been there clean not put away for weeks. Doesn't bother her, bugs me. I always do the cooking, she does not, and she doesn't clean it up afterwards, just leaves the kitchen area. Says that it is my kitchen, she doesn't want to mess with it. At this point I am happy if she even rinses off her own plate. When I vaccum on the weekend, she says it makes her feel guilty and makes comments about leaving the house so she wont get in my way. I tell her, I would rather her be here and help me so we can do it together. Most of the time her response is that its her weekend, her time to relax, she doesn't want to do that stuff. 
Like I said, I have tried talking in a civil manner with her about it, she knows I clean, she knows that acts of service are what make me happy, but it's rare. I don't want there to be constant argument or battle going on. I just need a different way to make her see. Leaving it to sit and lay around and pile up, I've tried that, doesn't work on her. I need something new.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CharlieParker said:


> What is she doing when she is "gone for the day"? If she were home would she just watch you clean? Or help a little?


Sometimes, she visits friends, goes shopping, does work related things. If she is home, quite often she watches TV or sleeps. That is her way of just relaxing at home which is what she says her time at home is for.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

She sounds lazy and selfish, she doesn't sound like she gives a **** about your needs. She also sounds manipulative and guilt-trippy. But since you do all the cleaning regardless, she knows she can get away with it. 

I don't know how you can make her care other than an ultimatum scenario.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Maybe someone else will have more ideas. This sounds like a bigger problem than just cleaning. Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe she needs to hear these things from someone other than you... I don't know. 

Sorry I'm not much help. I feel for you, though. My husband and I were in a similar dynamic but he started helping more once he realized what a difference it made in my mood and our day to day happiness. Your wife knows it's important to you, but isn't even willing to try.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

If I'm thinking of the right user, I gotta ask, and you're trying (with trouble) to have children? I don't see that turning out to good.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

delirium said:


> Maybe someone else will have more ideas. This sounds like a bigger problem than just cleaning. Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe she needs to hear these things from someone other than you... I don't know.
> 
> Sorry I'm not much help. I feel for you, though. My husband and I were in a similar dynamic but he started helping more once he realized what a difference it made in my mood and our day to day happiness. Your wife knows it's important to you, but isn't even willing to try.


I appreciate what you have said. I have thought about marriage counseling, even looked into trying to find someone near by for IC or MC, but there isn't too much close to us. Atleast that I have found.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Is she depressed?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I stopped doing her laundry, unless it is to add a few pieces to make it normal size load. Problem is, even when she does her own, she leaves it laying around, doesn't fold it, or if she does, doesn't put it away. There are some clothes sitting in the bedroom that have been there clean not put away for weeks. Doesn't bother her, bugs me. I always do the cooking, she does not, and she doesn't clean it up afterwards, just leaves the kitchen area. Says that it is my kitchen, she doesn't want to mess with it. At this point I am happy if she even rinses off her own plate. When I vaccum on the weekend, she says it makes her feel guilty and makes comments about leaving the house so she wont get in my way. I tell her, I would rather her be here and help me so we can do it together. Most of the time her response is that its her weekend, her time to relax, she doesn't want to do that stuff.
> Like I said, I have tried talking in a civil manner with her about it, she knows I clean, she knows that acts of service are what make me happy, but it's rare. I don't want there to be constant argument or battle going on. I just need a different way to make her see. Leaving it to sit and lay around and pile up, I've tried that, doesn't work on her. I need something new.



GBRAD...

That's why I'm a big fan of bringing it to a HEAD and popping your issue.

My wife did that to me with ILYNILYW almost three years ago... I fixed all her" complaints"
Stopped drinking, more attentive , less yelling at kids etc. on my own.

I do it back to her by giving her a 'soft' ultimatum that will be carried out to fix our sex life permanently in full swing by year 4. She will fix that on her own as she wants to remain married to me and loves me. Either way we both brought the respective issues to a HEAD.

Either ACCEPT it or do something about it that sticks!
Don't make empty threats.

Conflict can be good... sounds like you avoid conflict at any and all cost.
Conflict affects changes. Don't be afraid to lose your wife... your life sounds unlivable.

Your wife is lazy and taking severe advantage of you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

delirium said:


> Is she depressed?


No, she is a workaholic. That is where her largest priority lies. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> GBRAD...
> 
> That's why I'm a big fan of bringing it to a HEAD and popping your issue.
> 
> ...


Yes I avoid conflict. When I get upset with her about something she cries and gets mad and I have to fix it. When she is mad at me about something, she cries and gets mad and I have to fix it. I try and avoid either of those the best I can. It gets old trying to fix everything. Life is hard enough as it is, adding emotional conflict to it, just seems to make it worse. We don't fight very often at all, and it's because I try and avoid it. Maybe if make up sex ever existed I wouldn't be so adverse to it, but no, not sure how people make that one happen.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok first off.... get upset, let her know bluntly how you feel and most importantly... DO NOT FIX IT! She needs to fix it herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> No, she is a workaholic. That is where her largest priority lies.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I avoid conflict. When I get upset with her about something she cries and gets mad and I have to fix it. When she is mad at me about something, she cries and gets mad and I have to fix it. I try and avoid either of those the best I can. It gets old trying to fix everything. Life is hard enough as it is, adding emotional conflict to it, just seems to make it worse. We don't fight very often at all, and it's because I try and avoid it. Maybe if make up sex ever existed I wouldn't be so adverse to it, but no, not sure how people make that one happen.


My wife and I NEVER fought either for 17 years... that earned us a sexless marriage which we are now resolving by 'fighting' occasionally. Things are MUCH better in every facet sans sex...that will come .

Fighting is good!

Be smart... you will wear yourself out trying to fix her moods. She needs to learn to check her own moods.

My motto; "Short term pain long term gain" I'll give 3-4 years sexless for the rest of my life sexual with my wife.

People only change themselves...when they have to. You control you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Yes I avoid conflict. When I get upset with her about something she cries and gets mad and I have to fix it.


Sounds more like a parent-child relationship to me. One in which the child is spoiled rotten and irresponsible. She may be a powerhouse in the workplace, but it sounds like she has checked out of the marriage in more ways than just not cleaning up after herself ...


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