# Not sure if he can be trusted...



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

My husband of 18 years recently got caught with a bunch of texts from a colleague at work that talked about sex etc but only proved that they kissed and nothing more. He confessed that the girl pursued him and he was intrigued and they did kiss and only spoke about sex which may have been in their future. She has since been fired because I called the number back and wound up being the wrong person but I told them about the affair thinking it was the right person. It wound up being a lost phone of this person who also worked there. He has also gotten written up since she was beneath him as he is management. He says he felt like I didn’t care anymore and I was just a soccer mom who didn’t even show interest in myself. He says she showed him attention so he acted. We have since slightly made up. He says it’s over and he was sorry for everything but I’m not sure I can trust him or what the next steps would be. He said he would go to counseling but I’m not sure if that would be good or bad from what I read. What are your thoughts? We have 2 children age 15&12


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So just because "she" led him on ~ does that necessarily mean that he is unilaterally compelled to follow?

If that's what he's conveying to you, then he must undoubtedly think that you are dumber than a bag of hammers and are the consummate dumba$$!*


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Actions over words. Did he ever come to you with his concerns before he decided to indulge in her advances?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lola416 said:


> My husband of 18 years recently got caught with a bunch of texts from a colleague at work that talked about sex etc but only proved that they kissed and nothing more. He confessed that the girl pursued him and he was intrigued and they did kiss and only spoke about sex which may have been in their future. She has since been fired because I called the number back and wound up being the wrong person but I told them about the affair thinking it was the right person. It wound up being a lost phone of this person who also worked there. He has also gotten written up since she was beneath him as he is management. He says he felt like I didn’t care anymore and I was just a soccer mom who didn’t even show interest in myself. He says she showed him attention so he acted. We have since slightly made up. He says it’s over and he was sorry for everything but I’m not sure I can trust him or what the next steps would be. He said he would go to counseling but I’m not sure if that would be good or bad from what I read. What are your thoughts? We have 2 children age 15&12


Well, so far, standard affair. And no, you cannot trust him, he is lying about everything. 

In affairs/infidelity there is a special math: 

She pursued me=I've been trying to bang her for a while. 
We kissed once=We have been screwing for a while. 

So you can't trust him at all. You need to do a poly graph on him to get your questions answered. 

Then you decide it you want to stay once he spills his guts about what really went on. 

But lets be real, they were screwing, if not it is a miracle...


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

10 characters.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Good chance it's not over! Eyes open and mouth shut.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

so I honestly agree I don’t think I can trust him. But has anyone ever been able to overcome this? Is is possible to work out? We have a lot of history I do love him. But I’m not sure I can be around him


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So is there no hope situation or should I try?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

There are many stories here that have Reconciled after affairs, BUT you need the truth here. I think a polygraph may not be a bad idea to make sure you have the entire story. VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Absolutely you can try R. It's a lot of hard work. You will basically need to start over and rebuild your marriage. And it's unlikely you will ever trust him with that innocence you once had before he cheated. Some R's succeed and some don't. Hopefully, yours will.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Lola416 said:


> My husband of 18 years recently *got caught* with a bunch of texts from a colleague at work that talked about sex etc but only proved that they kissed and nothing more. He confessed that the girl pursued him and he was intrigued and they did kiss and only spoke about sex which may have been in their future. She has since been fired because I called the number back and wound up being the wrong person but I told them about the affair thinking it was the right person. It wound up being a lost phone of this person who also worked there. He has also gotten written up since she was beneath him as he is management. He says he felt like I didn’t care anymore and I was just a soccer mom who didn’t even show interest in myself. He says she showed him attention so he acted. We have since slightly made up. He says it’s over and he was sorry for everything but I’m not sure I can trust him or what the next steps would be. He said he would go to counseling but I’m not sure if that would be good or bad from what I read. What are your thoughts? We have 2 children age 15&12


Got caught? Who caught him? His work? His mom? You? Did it turn up during a normal stop and frisk procedure? Or was there another cause for suspicion? 

What is your gut feeling? The texts *prove* that they kissed, but what do they *suggest*?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Lola416 said:


> So is there no hope situation or should I try?


The situation isn't hopeless but it's really more a matter of him trying, not you. He needs to earn you back. Ultimately it's your choice whether to try and reconcile or not but first it has to start with the truth which you haven't received yet. He is using the standard playbook so far, it was only a kiss, she pursued him and he had a weak moment, you weren't loving enough....

It's really all minimizing and blame shifting rather than accepting responsibility for his actions. I'm also leery of his story that she got fired. Its rare the subordinate gets canned as the company can get sued and she could easily spin it that he pursued her and she needed to accept his advances in order to keep job. Either way your not getting the real story here on several fronts.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Why? For what reason do you want to maintain this marriage? He’s a cheater and that’s bad enough. You probably haven’t been into the relationship either. Would your life be better or worse maintaining this marriage? Or maybe you can find someone that lights your fire again and don’t have to worry about whether he is still into you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

No, you can't trust him. He betrayed you. How far things went is unknown since he's a known liar now. How many times this has happened in the past is also unknown for the same reasons. And, of course, you now know he'll seek attention and affection elsewhere if, for whatever reason, he THINKS you have given him a reason to, which is total bullpucky.

Can you rebuild trust? Maybe. If he's willing to go to counseling, be totally and completely honest with both you and the therapist, and willing to do the work to keep you then you have a shot.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So is there no hope situation or should I try?


You can trust him as long as you can keep an eye on him. But here's the thing and I don't expect you to confirm of deny. If you ain't giving it up at least twice a week most of the time, he's probably right in thinking youre not making romance time a priority. If you've got him believing (an I hope hope nobody give me a horse shyt about, " he's responsible for what he believes") your and his love life is a low priority, there are gonna be chicks that are willing to step into your roll as a lover. When a man's shelves are stocked at home, he's normal less interested in another woman's cookin. Take my word for it me lady.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> My husband of 18 years recently got caught with a bunch of texts from a colleague at work that talked about sex etc but only proved that they kissed and nothing more. He confessed that the girl pursued him and he was intrigued and they did kiss and only spoke about sex which may have been in their future. She has since been fired because I called the number back and wound up being the wrong person but I told them about the affair thinking it was the right person. It wound up being a lost phone of this person who also worked there. He has also gotten written up since she was beneath him as he is management. He says he felt like I didn’t care anymore and I was just a soccer mom who didn’t even show interest in myself. He says she showed him attention so he acted. We have since slightly made up. He says it’s over and he was sorry for everything but I’m not sure I can trust him or what the next steps would be. He said he would go to counseling but I’m not sure if that would be good or bad from what I read. What are your thoughts? We have 2 children age 15&12


This is the second time you have caught him.How many times did you not catch him?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You can't possibly reconcile without all of his truth.

Get that polygraph done first. See what really happened.

You don't really know him. He actually tried blaming you for his bad behavior! That's not loving behavior!

Don't be so quick to forgive him. Without harsh consequences he's likely going to do it again.

Make him earn your trust back before considering any more time with him. He should be willing to be totally transparent and hand you peace of mind on a silver platter - if he doesn't then divorce him.

Don't allow him to think for one second that you'll take him back until HE has done the hard work to prove he won't cheat again - and that his current affair is over (I doubt it is). 

Never should he blame you for HIS cheating - that's only on his lack of character!!


Wait - I just looked at your thread from 2015. He also had another inappropriate connection to a gal back then and said he would do anything in order to not get divorced!

He repairs his marriage by having ANOTHER AFFAIR? What the hell?

Divorce him! He's a consistent cheater! He hasn't improved and you'll be in for a lifetime of betrayal if you stay!

You have NO marriage if you can't trust him - and you can't! 

HE has ruined it! Be mad at him! Stop trying to please him when he's purposely ruining your family! He promised he wouldn't do it again yet he did. Counseling obviously didn't help last time so you can't depend on that to improve things.

Do NOT ever allow him to place any blame on you for HIS cheating! He's a coward for doing that both times! Whatever may have been deficient in the marriage - it was up to HIM to come and tell you honestly that he wanted more from the marriage but he didn't. He's selfish and only thinking of himself - if he can't change that about himself as well as become an honest person who communicates effectively with you (instead of other women) - then there's nothing to consider!


Be strong and don't back down.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So is there no hope situation or should I try?


If you found out that they had sex would it be a deal breaker for you? If he admitted that they kissed then it went a lot further then that. When it comes to infidelity the BS has to dig to get all the info. They will only admit to what evidence the B.S. has. They will lie through their teeth until the truth is brought forward. You will have to get very aggressive with your approach to get the whole story. More then likely you need to go in PI mode to find out the truth. Gus on here has a lot of good tips on doing that. First is a VAR, if they don't work at the same place anymore they will have to find another way to communicate. Plant a VAR in his car. If you do get a conversation on the recorder be prepared to hear a lot of things that will hurt you. It's not an easy pill to swallow when you hear your spouse having an intimate conversation with another person. 
If you need the truth to continue reconciliation them this is what you need to do. If someone has the link to Gus's post on how to catch a WS maybe they could post it on here for you to read. Lots of good information.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So an update today we talked a lot this weekend. He said he wants to work it out but he said he understand if I move out and take things slow. We r looking for a counselor not sure yet if I am going to move out. He said he places no blame on me at all only on himself and that he needs help. I am willing to try. He wants to try a date night this weekend away from the kids. I don’t know if I am too forgiving or if I just want it to work too much.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Lola416, no issues with you wanting to work it out, but you HAVE to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. DO NOT rugsweep this. HE needs to do the work to prove to you that this won't ever happen again. YOU Need to see a lawyer to see what your rights are, etc. IF you decide to divorce. Make sure you understand your finances (in case he is the one who usually takes care of that). Get all your financial papers in order -- you may need them.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So an update today we talked a lot this weekend. He said he wants to work it out but he said he understand if I move out and take things slow. We r looking for a counselor not sure yet if I am going to move out. He said he places no blame on me at all only on himself and that he needs help. I am willing to try. He wants to try a date night this weekend away from the kids. I don’t know if I am too forgiving or if I just want it to work too much.


Has he given out anymore info on the affair? Sounds like he really wants to make this work. Be very vigilant!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

This is the second time (at least) that he's done this. 

He promised all these things three years ago yet he did it again!

Did he take a polygraph? You need the truth before working on anything with him!

And rugsweeping last time with empty promises only got you more cheating!

Where are his consequences? Without harsh consequences he will keep doing this to you... because you keep ALLOWING it!

Date night? Pfffftttt. What a crock of poop!

That's not going to fix this! You need to require WAY more from him. Start with a poly so you know what's really been happening in your marriage! Without truth - you have no marriage.

How will he learn a boundary to protect your marriage? How will he respect you? How will he honor you? And how transparent will he be to EARN your trust back?

This is on HIM to make these changes in himself! Do not take him back until he's done a TON of work to change himself. If you do you're just inviting in more cheating knowing he's a constant cheater.



What he's given you so far is empty promises and lip service - that doesn't even begin to cut it.

Have him move! Expose his bad behavior to his family now!

Start doing some things that make him realize his behavior is going to make him lose his family.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Lola416 said:


> So an update today we talked a lot this weekend. He said he wants to work it out but he said he understand if I move out and take things slow. We r looking for a counselor not sure yet if I am going to move out. He said he places no blame on me at all only on himself and that he needs help. I am willing to try. He wants to try a date night this weekend away from the kids. I don’t know if I am too forgiving or if I just want it to work too much.


Um, he moves out. Not you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Um, he moves out. Not you.


Absolutely, the nerve of him to say this and especially with young children...are you f'in kidding me? What an ass.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> You can trust him as long as you can keep an eye on him. But here's the thing and I don't expect you to confirm of deny. If you ain't giving it up at least twice a week most of the time, he's probably right in thinking youre not making romance time a priority. If you've got him believing (an I hope hope nobody give me a horse shyt about, " he's responsible for what he believes") your and his love life is a low priority, there are gonna be chicks that are willing to step into your roll as a lover. When a man's shelves are stocked at home, he's normal less interested in another woman's cookin. Take my word for it me lady.


Is he even partly responsible for the breakdown of their sex life though? In any way? Or are you saying it is all on her to have sex with him so many times a week no matter if he is or is not being a good marriage partner in other areas of their life? Why does it seem you put it all on her? Feeling resentful or far apart from your partner does not make for an exceptional sex life.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So a little update. He gave me a card for a therapist today. He said he really wants to do it and that he regrets what he has done. He said he wants to start over and fix things. He says he loves me and is sorry however I was feeling good about that until today. After really thinking about things I’m not sure If I have gotten the truth. I don’t trust him and maybe I should have left a long time ago. Maybe he knows I wouldn’t leave so he pushed it. Maybe I should actually leave and then see if he comes back. Or maybe I should just cut my losses and just let him be a dad to our kids and me have nothing to do with him He is trying to plan a night out with me this weekend so we can talk and have dinner but feeling it ....


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

He gave out a little more details but sticks to the story. They didn’t do anything yet aside from kiss. But they have talked about sex and oral sex. Supposedly she is married as well. I don’t know what to think anymore. There are times I believe him and other times no


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So a) have him do a poly -- you may get more of the truth and if he is really determined to fix this, he shouldn't have a problem, and b) TELL the other woman's husband what has been going on (and grab copies of the texts to send to him so that she can't just say you are a wacko jealous wife of a friend). If you need to find her husband, get a PI to find out...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Lola416 said:


> He gave out a little more details but sticks to the story. They didn’t do anything yet aside from kiss. But they have talked about sex and oral sex. Supposedly she is married as well. I don’t know what to think anymore. There are times I believe him and other times no


A poly is necessary. You need the full truth.

Expose to her husband so he has consequences and also her spouse will be sure to be on the lookout for any further contact.

IF your husband is willing to repair the damage he has caused he should be willing to do anything to start again with you.

Anything... that's the way he earns your trust.


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