# Age and sex



## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

My husband and I are older folks. He is 62 and I just turned 60. We are both physically fit (he is a retired Marine and it shows) and take care of our bodies. Eat healthy, exercise, get the recommended screenings, etc..

OK - full disclosure time. A little over 5 year ago I had an affair. If you want to know more just ask or go look at some of my previous posts. There are not many as I am new. Now, with that out of the way.

We both have high libidos. My husband told me I was the only woman he had ever had sex with that had a matching libido. And that is wonderful. Believe me. But we are. We know each others body almost like we know our own. And know when, what and how to play that body like a finely tuned musical instrument. We also know when things are getting a little stale and mix it up some.

And a major part of that has been simple, open and honest communication. We actively communicate together when making love. Telling each other what is working, what we like and yeah - even what we do not like. Nothing complicated but it is constant and consistent. 

The second thing is seeing a certified sex counselor. Oh.My.Goodness. Game changer. It has taken good? And made it absolutely great.

As we go through this? I have not idea how but I have become multi orgasmic. Talk about a win! It has really opened up our sex life which has had a huge impact on our daily lives! And for him? He has always been on the conservative side in bed. not a prude, far from it. But more conservative than I. Not anymore!

But I mourn time wasted. So, if you are having issues in the bedroom or not, I would strongly urge a few session with a counselor like that. And know that things can get better if BOTH partners want it to. And it is so worthwhile. I could not believe just how much that extra satisfaction in the bedroom crossed over into our daily lives. You could see just how much more cheerful my husband was every day. He had more energy. He was a lot more open about changes to the house. His house I might add - he designed and had it built while we were divorced (long story - in my profile).

It can be better. Make it that way!!!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Nice post. I will say your success is based on BOTH of you wanting to make it work and of course your husbands aspect of forgiveness as many here would have told him to kick you to the curb after the affair. Heck there is even another post started today where the OP said his wife doesn't want sex and 14 people have already told him either his wife is cheating, doesn't love him any more or told him to get divorced. Not very "pro" counseling today!

So I think your story is a credit to both HIS aspect of forgiving what you did and YOUR interest in a good (sex) life.

I would venture to say what you typically see posted here is an element of missing one half of what you all have. One partner is frustrated and wants things to be better and the other doesn't really care as they are happy with the status quo.

I will use myself as an example. The wife and I have a good marriage but she has no real interest in sex so its just me working on it. Will I leave over it? Probably not for several other reasons but I don't see her ever posting something like what you posted as she is just not interested in sex nor really even doing much about it. Maybe its just sex with ME? Who knows but if she doesn't want to work on it, it will never get better. Hence why I ended up here in the first place. I don't love her any less, I just wish we could post something like you did!

And someone like her would never, I mean NEVER go to a sex counselor!

So not about me so my thread hi-jack is over.

But I do like your post for what you said about it being able to be fixed but needs everyone to participate.

Glad to hear of your success and hubby's benefits as well!

BTW, a friend who is a retired Marine told me Marines never really retire, they are ALWAYS Marines. Semper Fi!


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Nice post. I will say your success is based on BOTH of you wanting to make it work and of course your husbands aspect of forgiveness as many here would have told him to kick you to the curb after the affair. Heck there is even another post started today where the OP said his wife doesn't want sex and 14 people have already told him either his wife is cheating, doesn't love him any more or told him to get divorced. Not very "pro" counseling today!
> 
> So I think your story is a credit to both HIS aspect of forgiving what you did and YOUR interest in a good (sex) life.
> 
> ...


You are right. There are no 'ex' Marines. But he has a love hate relationship with his career. His last deployment was very nasty and he lost men. But he loves the men he served with.

But I someone times do not understand my fellow ladies. I guess it is just me. But I enjoy sex. It makes you feel so good, brings you closer to your partner and builds the bond between you. I DO know a lot of people do not consider that last bit. Oxytocin is released during sex and that builds the bond between the couple. Where I had issues was communication. And while I always loved sex I had always been quiet beyond moans. I was shy about it for some reason I still do not fully understand. But I learned.

And it has paid huge dividends for us. Take the other night (and apologies if this is TMI) but we had sex and I had three orgasms. Think about that. 10 years ago that was a fantasy. But my mind had been holding me back. And as I learned to think differently, my body responded to that lack of stress.

And I wish everyone could have this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABiolarWife said:


> You are right. There are no 'ex' Marines. But he has a love hate relationship with his career. His last deployment was very nasty and he lost men. But he loves the men he served with.
> 
> But I someone times do not understand my fellow ladies. I guess it is just me. But I enjoy sex. It makes you feel so good, brings you closer to your partner and builds the bond between you. I DO know a lot of people do not consider that last bit. Oxytocin is released during sex and that builds the bond between the couple. Where I had issues was communication. And while I always loved sex I had always been quiet beyond moans. I was shy about it for some reason I still do not fully understand. But I learned.
> 
> ...


Many ladies like yourself do actually like sex so you are not a rarity.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ABiolarWife said:


> And I wish everyone could have this.



So do I!


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Many ladies like yourself do actually like sex so you are not a rarity.


 I certainly hope so. But I got that impression from quite a few husbands of my friends. And my husband says they always complain about their sex lives or the lack thereof. It sounds depressing. I talked to a few of my closest friends and asked them about it and quite a few said they had issues. They began coming to me for advice and I was happy to try and help. And so did my husband. One couple got a divorce and the five other couples we spoke with got onboard with a certified sex therapist. They're doing much better as a result.

But I have always loved sex. The intimacy of the act themselves. Right now? We are having the best sex of our lives. And, of course my husband asked about the sex with AP. And I reassured him and was 100% honest. That yes - I enjoyed the sex. But no one makes me feel the way he does. I really did 'affair down' because my husband is better looking, in terrific shape, hung better (I still do not understand men's hang ups about their package) and knows exactly what I like and how I like it. I know the same about him.

So our sex life was far, far superior than the sex I had with OP.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABiolarWife said:


> hung better (I still do not understand men's hang ups about their package)


Their "hang ups" come from women's statements like "hung better". If women truly didn't compare, then there would be no hang ups.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

TJW said:


> Their "hang ups" come from women's statements like "hung better". If women truly didn't compare, then there would be no hang ups.


It simply does not matter to me. Someone is a good lover or they are not. And the size thing matter not one bit to me. The ONLY reason I brought it up is he asked. Specifically. He had nothing to worry about there. He is and always was a far better man in every way. Who gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive.

Thank you


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Many ladies like yourself do actually like sex so you are not a rarity.


And we booth really enjoy sex. It is very important to us both.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

If I may ask (and of course you can tell me it none of my business and I will respect that). What led you to having an affair?

And if your hubby had been the one who had the affair, would you be as forgiving as him? 

Just curious as many here have said that if their spouse ever cheated, that would be the end of the marriage.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> If I may ask (and of course you can tell me it none of my business and I will respect that). What led you to having an affair?
> 
> And if your hubby had been the one who had the affair, would you be as forgiving as him?
> 
> Just curious as many here have said that if their spouse ever cheated, that would be the end of the marriage.


Yes - you can ask. For a little background information. I have an extremely high libido and am very vulnerable to hypersexuality during a manic episode.

At this point in time my husband was building a software company from the ground up. And he was working 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. And I began to feel neglected and wanted attention. Attention he was just too tired to give although he tried.

But instead of doing the right thing? Mania told me it was JUST fine to seek that attention elsewhere. I get hit on a lot. Everywhere I go. And there was a guy at work who had made it quite obvious that he wanted to have sex with me. And he was 20 years younger than me. By then I was in fully raging mania and just went for it


FloridaGuy1 said:


> If I may ask (and of course you can tell me it none of my business and I will respect that). What led you to having an affair?
> 
> And if your hubby had been the one who had the affair, would you be as forgiving as him?
> 
> Just curious as many here have said that if their spouse ever cheated, that would be the end of the marriage.


And yes - I would want to reconcile. I also know that he would NEVER do that. And he has strong morals and boundaries. That is one thing I do not ever have to worry about. The lady he was dating while we were divorced actually urged him to get back in touch with me. She is largely responsible for our reconciliation. What a lady...who has become one of my closest friends. And she is engaged now! And we love her fiancé. He treats her like a queen.

But, if somehow he strayed, I would definitely fight for our marriage. It is worth fighting for. And he is so wonderfully forgiving towards me. While we DO discuss the affair? He never throws it in my face. He has truly forgiven me totally. And I need to learn to forgive myself...I am struggling with that badly.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

This is such a great post! I hope hubby and I still have an active sex life in our 60's! Curious about the sex therapist, if things were already good what led you down that road?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ABiolarWife said:


> One couple got a divorce and the five other couples we spoke with got onboard with a *certified sex therapist. They're doing much better as a result.*


So, sounds like this "certified sex therapist" (whoever they are) is the secret sauce people ought to be utilizing, It would surely be way less traumatic and expensive than a divorce. I would think in most cases the issue is one or the other has fallen out of love with their spouse so they don't WANT to share sex with them anymore. Too much water under the bridge.

Give some advice on how troubled couples would find such a therapist and elaborate some on what they do. Honestly have never heard of such a profession. Do they learn this in a college somehow?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> So, sounds like this "certified sex therapist" (whoever they are) is the secret sauce people ought to be utilizing, It would surely be way less traumatic and expensive than a divorce. I would think in most cases the issue is one or the other has fallen out of love with their spouse so they don't WANT to share sex with them anymore. Too much water under the bridge.
> 
> Give some advice on how troubled couples would find such a therapist and elaborate some on what they do. Honestly have never heard of such a profession. Do they learn this in a college somehow?


I am sure they help some, I just wouldnt feel comfortable sharing such intimate stuff about our sex life with a stranger.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am sure they help some, I just wouldnt feel comfortable sharing such intimate stuff about our sex life with a stranger.


Well most of us aren’t comfortable talking IRL with others about our “issues”. But, if a marriage was failing because intimacy wasnt right, I would think most would swallow tgeir comfort and get help.

I have never had a friend mention anything except to complain that their wife isnt interested in horizontal tango with them. Maybe one of these professionals would solve their problem if they could convince her to attend. I guess from what you said, not much chance of that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am, to this point, surprised.

I can see that many of our regulars are biting their tongues.

The tone was_ oddly_ set that way from the beginning, I hope to the end!

.............................................................

Could it be that many (including your husband) see you as eye candy, that trophy wife?
And, therefore, he is more forgiving?

I say this, because of his actions.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Well most of us aren’t comfortable talking IRL with others about our “issues”. But, if a marriage was failing because intimacy wasnt right, I would think most would swallow tgeir comfort and get help.
> 
> I have never had a friend mention anything except to complain that their wife isnt interested in horizontal tango with them. Maybe one of these professionals would solve their problem if they could convince her to attend. I guess from what you said, not much chance of that.


Someone else here mentioned they had gone to a sex therapist. Maybe it was Divinely Favored? Or was it Young at Heart?

I do think it all goes back to what we have discussed before that BOTH partners would want to have to solve the problem. If both don't and one doesn't even see it as a problem, then both aren't going to go and I don't see it working if just one partner goes alone.

I think as Diana mentioned, many would feel the same way ESPECIALLY if they were the ones that may be causing the problem. By that I mean a low drive person is not going to typically agree to go to a session where the high drive spouse and the counselor are telling them they need to have more and better sex. Not many people would agree to that unless they REALLY wanted to address the problem and save the relationship. An example of this would be the spouse who thinks their partner just wants sex too much. They would never go as they see that as the high drive person's issue, not theirs.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ABiolarWife said:


> Yes - you can ask. For a little background information. I have an extremely high libido and am very vulnerable to hypersexuality during a manic episode.
> 
> At this point in time my husband was building a software company from the ground up. And he was working 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. And I began to feel neglected and wanted attention. Attention he was just too tired to give although he tried.
> 
> ...


He likely has done the same ie strayed, and wisely is keeping his mouth shut. And enjoying this ride as long as he can. And should. Just saying.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Well most of us aren’t comfortable talking IRL with others about our “issues”. But, if a marriage was failing because intimacy wasnt right, I would think most would swallow tgeir comfort and get help.
> 
> I have never had a friend mention anything except to complain that their wife isnt interested in horizontal tango with them. Maybe one of these professionals would solve their problem if they could convince her to attend. I guess from what you said, not much chance of that.





FloridaGuy1 said:


> Someone else here mentioned they had gone to a sex therapist. Maybe it was Divinely Favored? Or was it Young at Heart?
> 
> I do think it all goes back to what we have discussed before that BOTH partners would want to have to solve the problem. If both don't and one doesn't even see it as a problem, then both aren't going to go and I don't see it working if just one partner goes alone.
> 
> I think as Diana mentioned, many would feel the same way ESPECIALLY if they were the ones that may be causing the problem. By that I mean a low drive person is not going to typically agree to go to a session where the high drive spouse and the counselor are telling them they need to have more and better sex. Not many people would agree to that unless they REALLY wanted to address the problem and save the relationship. An example of this would be the spouse who thinks their partner just wants sex too much. They would never go as they see that as the high drive person's issue, not theirs.


I was going to say something similar to @FloridaGuy1 but he beat me to it. I think a sex therapist could be so helpful to many of the people that come here with bedroom issues, but as with everything in marriage it requires both partners to be onboard. And sadly, as expressed here quite often, the lower drive partner sees nothing wrong with the relationship and won't be interested in therapy. Sex just isn't important to them. When both are on board I think just about any problem can be solved.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABiolarWife said:


> Yes - you can ask. For a little background information. I have an extremely high libido and am very vulnerable to hypersexuality during a manic episode.
> 
> At this point in time my husband was building a software company from the ground up. And he was working 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. And I began to feel neglected and wanted attention. Attention he was just too tired to give although he tried.
> 
> ...


You are definitely an unusual situation here on TAM. Most infidelity stories rarely have a happy ending. The combination of your mental health issues, you owning your infidelity in its entirety and your husband's apparent demeanor are just the right combination. You are only at the beginning, but I hope it lasts and you are both happy.

ETA: BTW, married 32 years here, both of us are in our 50's and sex life is awesome. We both thoroughly enjoy sex and intimacy. We intend to do whatever it takes to keep that going as long as we can.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Well most of us aren’t comfortable talking IRL with others about our “issues”. But, if a marriage was failing because intimacy wasnt right, I would think most would swallow tgeir comfort and get help.
> 
> I have never had a friend mention anything except to complain that their wife isnt interested in horizontal tango with them. Maybe one of these professionals would solve their problem if they could convince her to attend. I guess from what you said, not much chance of that.


Everyone is different. I am sure some would be ok about going.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jimmysgirl said:


> This is such a great post! I hope hubby and I still have an active sex life in our 60's!


You certainly CAN have in your 60s, 70s, 80s. You both yust have to WANT to and keep the fires burning. Don't let the fire go out.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Not many people would agree to that unless they REALLY wanted to address the problem and save the relationship.* An example of this would be the spouse who thinks their partner just wants sex too much*. They would never go as they see that as the high drive person's issue, not theirs.


The key is they have to know that this is killing the marriage, AND want to save the marriage. As in restore it to an actual marriage. If they are fine getting cash and prizes from the old boy then for sure there is nothing left to fix. And yes, I guess the friends who have complained to me in the past were just venting, their wives were evidently no longer interested ( in them ), so the marriage is just a dead man walking. But MAYBE, there are spouses who don't appreciate the gravity of the situation, and if a third party counselor were used, it might make all the difference in the world. Maybe the aggrieved party would need to make a lot of noise ( and mean it ) that it was counseling or divorce to make that happen.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> When both are on board I think just about any problem can be solved.


This is a GREAT point whether it be sex, money, kids, whatever. I think unless BOTH partners see it as a problem and want to address it, its not to going to get solved. 

Probably why many marriages end in divorce?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are definitely an unusual situation here on TAM. Most infidelity stories rarely have a happy ending. The combination of your mental health issues, you owning your infidelity in its entirety and your husband's apparent demeanor are just the right combination. You are only at the beginning, but I hope it lasts and you are both happy.
> 
> ETA: BTW, married 32 years here, both of us are in our 50's and sex life is awesome. We both thoroughly enjoy sex and intimacy. We intend to do whatever it takes to keep that going as long as we can.


Thank you so much. We do have a strange story and journey through infidelity. But we are succeeding every day. And one of the major reasons we are going to make it IS my husband. And, for him, it was not about the sex (I will explain if you can send a private message). What hurt him the most was the deception and lies.

But I did get some things right and I will never stop working to better myself and to atone for those awful choices I made during the affair. And, while I am a safe partner for him right now, I am going to choose to be a better partner to him as well.

Congratulations on 32 years of marriage! I love meeting other people who have long term marriages/relationships. Here's to another 32 years squared!

Regards


Rus47 said:


> So, sounds like this "certified sex therapist" (whoever they are) is the secret sauce people ought to be utilizing, It would surely be way less traumatic and expensive than a divorce. I would think in most cases the issue is one or the other has fallen out of love with their spouse so they don't WANT to share sex with them anymore. Too much water under the bridge.
> 
> Give some advice on how troubled couples would find such a therapist and elaborate some on what they do. Honestly have never heard of such a profession. Do they learn this in a college somehow?


Yes - there is an entire specialty unto itself. And you can look on the AASECT website here. AASECT stands for "American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists ".

Another recommendation is have her read the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nakowski.

It should make her much more comfortable about sex. And it is geared to battle the pressure that can come with lovemaking. Body image issues, self esteem issues and all sorts of other things ladies can heap on ourselves to meet societies standard of beauty and sex appeal. It is a really good book.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ABiolarWife said:


> Thank you so much. We do have a strange story and journey through infidelity. But we are succeeding every day. And one of the major reasons we are going to make it IS my husband. And, for him, it was not about the sex (I will explain if you can send a private message). What hurt him the most was the deception and lies.
> 
> But I did get some things right and I will never stop working to better myself and to atone for those awful choices I made during the affair. And, while I am a safe partner for him right now, I am going to choose to be a better partner to him as well.
> 
> ...


Are you a therapist?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you a therapist?


No - I am an accountant or was. We are both retired now. I was the controller for a local restaurant chain (10 stores and they will NOT franchise) for almost 26 years. I loved that job and working for the three sisters who own and run the company.

But a therapist? No LMAO...but I think I would a good therapist. I have certainly participated in a lot of therapy!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ABiolarWife said:


> No - I am an accountant or was. We are both retired now. I was the controller for a local restaurant chain (10 stores and they will NOT franchise) for almost 26 years. I loved that job and working for the three sisters who own and run the company.
> 
> But a therapist? No LMAO...but I think I would a good therapist. I have certainly participated in a lot of therapy!


Thanks for sharing. The intro to the book link was very well written. I hope things get better in your M.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Someone else here mentioned they had gone to a sex therapist. Maybe it was Divinely Favored? Or was it Young at Heart?
> 
> I do think it all goes back to what we have discussed before that BOTH partners would want to have to solve the problem. If both don't and one doesn't even see it as a problem, then both aren't going to go and I don't see it working if just one partner goes alone.
> 
> I think as Diana mentioned, many would feel the same way ESPECIALLY if they were the ones that may be causing the problem. By that I mean a low drive person is not going to typically agree to go to a session where the high drive spouse and the counselor are telling them they need to have more and better sex. Not many people would agree to that unless they REALLY wanted to address the problem and save the relationship. An example of this would be the spouse who thinks their partner just wants sex too much. They would never go as they see that as the high drive person's issue, not theirs.


Wasn't I. I was about to divorce and read MMSLP and NMMNG and changed my behavior and wife thought I was out the door and she changed her behavior. Now she is remorseful for how she treated me in the past and time that was wasted. We are like newly weds at 25 yrs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was going to say something similar to @FloridaGuy1 but he beat me to it. I think a sex therapist could be so helpful to many of the people that come here with bedroom issues, but as with everything in marriage it requires both partners to be onboard.


I had this conversation with my wife, years ago. She did not want to go to a therapist about our sex life because she was certain that the counselor would tell us divorce was the only option.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cletus said:


> I had this conversation with my wife, years ago. She did not want to go to a therapist about our sex life because she was certain that the counselor would tell us divorce was the only option.


So why not just go and hear what they have to say first? Then if you don't like it, don't go back. It's not like once a therapist says you have to divorce that you are divorced.

Maybe she knew she was being selfish and didn't want you to hear a therapist say you deserved to have the sex life you wanted too...?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cletus said:


> I had this conversation with my wife, years ago. She did not want to go to a therapist about our sex life because she was certain that the counselor would tell us divorce was the only option.


So from the get go she never considered improving your sex life was a possible outcome? How did she jump straight to divorce?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> So why not just go and hear what they have to say first? Then if you don't like it, don't go back. It's not like once a therapist says you have to divorce that you are divorced.
> 
> Maybe she knew she was being selfish and didn't want you to hear a therapist say you deserved to have the sex life you wanted too...?


I don't to this day consider my wife selfish for her sexuality any more than I consider myself selfish for wanting more. I know it has been a while since I commented on this, but neither of us is to blame for being sexually incompatible. It takes two to tango. You don't get to just lay the blame of having a partner who does not agree with your definition of a satisfying sex life at the feet of the more conservative member. 

I have a wife who is willing to have sex with me regularly. We just don't mesh well on what that actually means, operationally. 



BigDaddyNY said:


> So from the get go she never considered improving your sex life was a possible outcome? How did she jump straight to divorce?


Because she understood then and now that our problem is intractable. To stay married, one of us had to lose. Now take your time here and reflect on the advice given almost universally to couples in a sexually mismatched marriage. What does nearly everyone counsel to fix it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cletus said:


> I don't to this day consider my wife selfish for her sexuality any more than I consider myself selfish for wanting more. I know it has been a while since I commented on this, but neither of us is to blame for being sexually incompatible. It takes two to tango. You don't get to just lay the blame of having a partner who does not agree with your definition of a satisfying sex life at the feet of the more conservative member.
> 
> I have a wife who is willing to have sex with me regularly. We just don't mesh well on what that actually means, operationally.
> 
> Because she understood then and now that our problem is intractable. To stay married, one of us had to lose. Now take your time here and reflect on the advice given almost universally to couples in a sexually mismatched marriage. What does nearly everyone counsel to fix it?


You don't have to answer this if you don't feel like talking about it, but I am wondering if I remember your past posts correctly...you said that you have lost a lot of your interest in having sex, is that right? And your wife isn't happy about that?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> You don't have to answer this if you don't feel like talking about it, but I am wondering if I remember your past posts correctly...you said that you have lost a lot of your interest in having sex, is that right? And your wife isn't happy about that?


Yes, that's a fair summary. It's not a deal breaker for her. Personality wise, she likes older slightly softer me even better than younger me. A little more sex would be ideal, but none is hardly much of a burden for her. We are well on our way to a companionate marriage, a little earlier than some. Everyone is OK with that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cletus said:


> Because she understood then and now that our problem is intractable. To stay married, one of us had to lose. Now take your time here and reflect on the advice given almost universally to couples in a sexually mismatched marriage. What does nearly everyone counsel to fix it?


Yes, any incompatibility can lead to divorce. 

That is an negative take on things, "To stay married, one of us had to lose." So she concluded that better/more frequent sex between spouses meant she was losing in some way? Why were you the one chosen to lose in order to stay married?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is an negative take on things,


 I would say it is a realistic take on things, even if it sounds negative. 



> "To stay married, one of us had to lose." So she concluded that better/more frequent sex between spouses meant she was losing in some way? Why were you the one chosen to lose in order to stay married?


It is the difference between not getting something you desire and being forced to do something you hate. Since I agree that one of those is far worse than the other, the choice was necessary. When you see your spouse getting nauseous just discussing things, or see that look of grim resignation on her face, no loving husband can get aroused by that. (And no, I don't have any unusual kinks or desire to harm or anything like that. We're talking pretty routine stuff here.)


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cletus said:


> I would say it is a realistic take on things, even if it sounds negative.
> 
> 
> 
> It is the difference between not getting something you desire and being forced to do something you hate. Since I agree that one of those is far worse than the other, the choice was necessary. When you see your spouse getting nauseous just discussing things, or see that look of grim resignation on her face, no loving husband can get aroused by that. (And no, I don't have any unusual kinks or desire to harm or anything like that. We're talking pretty routine stuff here.)


And she believes getting nauseous when discussing sex with her husband doesn't warrant talking to a professional?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> And she believes getting nauseous when discussing sex with her husband doesn't warrant talking to a professional?


We have talked many times about sex without anyone winding up head first in the toilet. It is actively imagining doing things that she finds viscerally disgusting that causes this. For example - putting genitalia near your mouth - never has, never will, giving or receiving. Other things elicit more a feeling of being used as a sexual object - like any sex that is not face to face. 

Why is it assumed that someone who is very conservative in the bedroom needs fixing? The answer to this problem IMHO is to ensure that you are on the same page before you walk down the aisle. "Normal" only applies to populations. It never applies to the individual.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cletus said:


> Yes, that's a fair summary. It's not a deal breaker for her. Personality wise, she likes older slightly softer me even better than younger me. A little more sex would be ideal, but none is hardly much of a burden for her. We are well on our way to a companionate marriage, a little earlier than some. Everyone is OK with that.


I don't consider her selfish because of her sexuality either, just FYI.
I asked because of what you said below....


Cletus said:


> Because she understood then and now that our problem is intractable. *To stay married, one of us had to lose.* Now take your time here and reflect on the advice given almost universally to couples in a sexually mismatched marriage. What does nearly everyone counsel to fix it?


It seems that, to stay married, YOU "lost" in the beginning of your sex life, and now SHE has "lost" at the end of it.

Her refusal had consequences for her that she didn't want.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cletus said:


> Why is it assumed that someone who is very conservative in the bedroom needs fixing? The answer to this problem IMHO is to ensure that you are on the same page before you walk down the aisle. "Normal" only applies to populations. It never applies to the individual.


I don't see that assumption at all, anymore than I see people assuming the higher drive partner or "kinkier" partner needs to back off and give up what excites them. 

What I do see is that if people cannot compromise then they rarely are happy with their sex lives, which often leads to the end of the relationship. Not in your case, but your unhappiness has lead to the early end to your sexual relationship, if not the marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cletus said:


> We have talked many times about sex without anyone winding up head first in the toilet. It is actively imagining doing things that she finds viscerally disgusting that causes this. For example - putting genitalia near your mouth - never has, never will, giving or receiving. Other things elicit more a feeling of being used as a sexual object - like any sex that is not face to face.
> 
> Why is it assumed that someone who is very conservative in the bedroom needs fixing? The answer to this problem IMHO is to ensure that you are on the same page before you walk down the aisle. "Normal" only applies to populations. It never applies to the individual.


Being nauseated by talking about sex with your husband and being very conservative in the bedroom are two vastly different things. IMO one is "normal" and the other is indicative of an issue that likely requires profession help. Were you aware of all this prior to walking down the aisle?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> You don't have to answer this if you don't feel like talking about it, but I am wondering if I remember your past posts correctly...you said that you have lost a lot of your interest in having sex, is that right? And your wife isn't happy about that?


After a while of a wife withholding physical intimacy, a man can start seeing his wife as a non sexual being and move her to the friend zone. At that point it would be like trying to have sex with a 1st cousin...just no!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Being nauseated by talking about sex with your husband ...


Since I'm having to clarify this twice now, I guess I'm not being explicit enough.

She does not consider oral sex acceptable. She finds the act disgusting and repulsive. When she imagines having to do it, it provokes anxiety. So no, she does not get nauseated talking about sex with her husband insofar as she does not consider oral sex to be a necessary or acceptable component of a married sex life. She does not get that way when we talk about mutually agreed upon activities. Other things which she has no interest in, but no visceral response to, don't cause this. 



> and being very conservative in the bedroom are two vastly different things. IMO one is "normal" and the other is indicative of an issue that likely requires profession help. Were you aware of all this prior to walking down the aisle?


No. Good girls don't have sex before marriage. People who don't have sex before marriage don't know what they like and don't like, and often don't even know what is possible.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Since I'm having to clarify this twice now, I guess I'm not being explicit enough.
> 
> She does not consider oral sex acceptable. She finds the act disgusting and repulsive. When she imagines having to do it, it provokes anxiety. So no, she does not get nauseated talking about sex with her husband insofar as she does not consider oral sex to be a necessary or acceptable component of a married sex life. She does not get that way when we talk about mutually agreed upon activities. Other things which she has no interest in, but no visceral response to, don't cause this.
> 
> ...


All relative, ok. Except the part of good girls don't have sex before marriage. 

That's hooey. Some girls have sex before marriage, some don't, period. It doesn't get more real than that. It's a fact. I was surprised to see that comment in your response.

Are you serious in claiming judgement on all girls that had sex before marriage are not in no way no how good girls? Really?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> All relative, ok. Except the part of good girls don't have sex before marriage.
> 
> That's hooey. Some girls have sex before marriage, some don't, period. It doesn't get more real than that. It's a fact. I was surprised to see that comment in your response.
> 
> Are you serious in claiming judgement on all girls that had sex before marriage are not in no way no how good girls? Really?


I think you know me far too well to think that I meant that in anything but jest, as a rhetorical point. 

But just in case I haven't been clear, ALWAYS have sex with a prospective spouse before marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> I think you know me far too well to think that I meant that in anything but jest, as a rhetorical point.
> 
> But just in case I haven't been clear, ALWAYS have sex with a prospective spouse before marriage.


I thought so. Whew


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## Buzlightyear (7 mo ago)

ABiolarWife said:


> My husband and I are older folks. He is 62 and I just turned 60. We are both physically fit (he is a retired Marine and it shows) and take care of our bodies. Eat healthy, exercise, get the recommended screenings, etc..
> 
> OK - full disclosure time. A little over 5 year ago I had an affair. If you want to know more just ask or go look at some of my previous posts. There are not many as I am new. Now, with that out of the way.
> 
> ...





ABiolarWife said:


> My husband and I are older folks. He is 62 and I just turned 60. We are both physically fit (he is a retired Marine and it shows) and take care of our bodies. Eat healthy, exercise, get the recommended screenings, etc..
> 
> OK - full disclosure time. A little over 5 year ago I had an affair. If you want to know more just ask or go look at some of my previous posts. There are not many as I am new. Now, with that out of the way.
> 
> ...


Hey, Is there anyway you could send me a private message? My profile won't let me. Just have a few questions that might help me? 😄


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DeltaBlue said:


> Hey, Is there anyway you could send me a private message? My profile won't let me. Just have a few questions that might help me? 😄


It's better to post here for all to benefit.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

I'm curious about the sex therapist's process. What specifically did they do to help improve your sex life?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

loblawbobblog said:


> I'm curious about the sex therapist's process. What specifically did they do to help improve your sex life?


I'm guessing its nothing 'hands on' like you see in the movies


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