# I had a trigger last night



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I posted about it on another forum when it happened last night and I debated on sharing here because ya all might be sick of me complaining by now, lol, but sick of me yet or not, here goes..so last night I triggered. I have been dating a new guy, and he is a great guy. We live an hour apart from each other and since we both work a Monday through Friday week and we both have weekends off, we usually get together on Saturdays to do something. He knows my ex husband had been unfaithful to me but I've not yet told him the depth of the mental abuse my ex gave me. Last night I was on the phone with my new guy and we were talking about movies. He was talking about his celebrity crush and how he would like to have babies with her. I knew he was joking around, we all probably have our celebrity crush (Jason Statham is mine. Hubba Hubba) I don't believe there is anything wrong with a celebrity crush but the reason I triggered was because it flooded me with the bad memories of what my husband used to do. My exH would sit there and describe to me in as vivid detail as he could paint it, all the sex he would want to have with such and such celebrity, the positions to do it in, what he would be doing to her and then he would tell me if I was as hot as such and such celebrity, he wouldn't have to look at other women...."he wouldnt _have to_"..nice huh, if I was _hotter_my husband wouldn't have to look at other women. Then he would look at me and laugh about it. Yes, I tried to tell him before it was hurtful but all I ever heard was that I was too sensitive.
So, listening to my new guy talk about his celebrity crush last night gave me a trigger. I became angry. I never took anything out on him, I never told him the effect it had on me. I certainly do not want to compare him to my exH because they are both very different people. My new guy did not describe in detail the sex he would want to have with his crush, I knew he was totally joking when he said he would like to have babies with this crush of his. But, I'm afraid that if I tell him about how this is sensitive to me, he's going to think I'm a nutcase. Maybe I am too sensitive over it, I don't know but it really made me angry last night. He's a big movie buff but I pretty much hate watching movies anymore because every pretty actress I see, I know what kind of sex my exH would like to have with her and I also know I am _not hot enough to keep any man of mine from looking at other women. I'm not a perfect size 2, I'm an average size 12. What do you think? Am I really too sensitive about all of it?_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Apple, you post here as much as you need or want. If anyone gets tired of it, they don't have to read your posts.
At any rate, no woman in the world is hot enough, sexy enough, beautiful enough to keep normal men from noticing another hot chick. It doesn't mean we will go kiss her feet.
My wife and I talk about our celebrity crush once in a while. (Hers in Matthew McConaughy, mine is Andie McDowell.)
I understand why your new beau talking about this would make you upset due to your past, but how about just telling him that you would rather not talk about it?
He may ask why and if he does, tell him that you heard enough of that kind of crap from your ex.
If he's a good guy, he will understand and you don't have to give him all the details.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Apple I don't know,but could it be that you are not ready for a relationship right now? Another thing,I don't know,but could it be that you are attracted to the type of men that may keep these things recurring in your life? I don't know,just asking.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Tell him it hurt you.

Imo those comments are disrespectful and insensitive. He needs to know how to treat a woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

apple:
Don't say anything yet. Wait and mull it over for a couple of days. After all, it's not going anywhere yet. 

Did you ignore the remark or respond in kind? 

I would ignore it unless it happens too many times not to. I wouldn't comment after it either. No reaction usually says a great deal.

You're not taxing anybody here, we're all here to get help and give it. I post a lot too.

Congrats on the love interest. I haven't found anyone yet.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> So, listening to my new guy talk about his celebrity crush last night gave me a trigger. I became angry. I never took anything out on him, I never told him the effect it had on me. I certainly do not want to compare him to my exH because they are both very different people. My new guy did not describe in detail the sex he would want to have with his crush, I knew he was totally joking when he said he would like to have babies with this crush of his. But, I'm afraid that if I tell him about how this is sensitive to me, he's going to think I'm a nutcase. Maybe I am too sensitive over it, I don't know but it really made me angry last night. He's a big movie buff but I pretty much hate watching movies anymore because every pretty actress I see, I know what kind of sex my exH would like to have with her and I also know I am _not hot enough to keep any man of mine from looking at other women. I'm not a perfect size 2, I'm an average size 12. What do you think? Am I really too sensitive about all of it?_


_

Hi Apple. No. Your not too sensitive. When I started there were all sorts of things that used to trigger me.

Normally it was her doing a nice thing for me. Without thinking. I would just trigger because of the comparison with my previous life. A nice day out.. blub blub.. A chick flick involving infidelity cast as a joke... Anger.. blub blub.

Don't be too tough on yourself you come with a truck load of baggage and that is part of the you he likes! Just tell him that story. You have to remember he doesn't know you that well yet! 
Let him_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

ing said:


> .. A chick flick involving infidelity cast as a joke... Anger..


Oh boy, you aren't kidding on that!

I can't watch any movie or series that has infidelity in it anymore.

I had to give up "Desperate Housewives"...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I've never been cheated on but reading here has made me the same way. I'm starting to believe I need to give up tv and movies because somebody thinks cheating is the only thing that makes a compelling story. Some movies glorify it.

I'm hyper sensitive because of the things you good folks have suffered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> apple:
> Don't say anything yet. Wait and mull it over for a couple of days. After all, it's not going anywhere yet.
> 
> Did you ignore the remark or respond in kind?
> ...


I joked around with him about it. Like he had been down with the flu for a few days and he said that he wished had either me or crush there to be a nurse for me. So in joking I said I would email said crush to see if she was free. Now this celebrity crush of his has no children, so he made a joke about if she ever wanted any and had a hard time finding a suitable father for her future offspring, then he would step up to the plate. And I joked with him about that too. I knew he was joking and I completely hid my true reaction from him because I am not going to punish him for my ex's faults.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> I've never been cheated on but reading here has made me the same way. I'm starting to believe I need to give up tv and movies because somebody thinks cheating is the only thing that makes a compelling story. Some movies glorify it.
> 
> I'm hyper sensitive because of the things you good folks have suffered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Consider yourself lucky to have never been cheated on. It's a horrible experience. I've never had a man ever be faithful to me before.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DanF said:


> Oh boy, you aren't kidding on that!
> 
> I can't watch any movie or series that has infidelity in it anymore.
> 
> I had to give up "Desperate Housewives"...


I still love my Desperate Housewives.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP you have gave enough info in this thread to make me think to tell you that you are playing with fire and that fire never makes good for the duration. Nothing offensive meant,,just speaking from what I have seen 100 times out of 100. 
Write my words down,put them away for 20 years. Get them out and read and look at those past 20 years!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Consider yourself lucky to have never been cheated on. It's a horrible experience. I've never had a man ever be faithful to me before.


Sweetheart, I know. You were one of the reasons I started posting. My heart breaks for you and everyone else who has lived through this.

But you are also a hero. You stood up and said NO MORE. 

It was hard but you did it.

I agree that you should modulate your response to triggers. But I think you also train ppl how to treat you. 

God, I've been raising my new h for a while. A lot of men were never taught to be a gentleman. 

Non-gentlemen suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I still love my Desperate Housewives.


I miss them.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Sweetheart, I know. You were one of the reasons I started posting. My heart breaks for you and everyone else who has lived through this.
> 
> But you are also a hero. You stood up and said NO MORE.
> 
> ...


As much as I hope to someday find that special someone who will never be unfaithful to me, I know that is something that is never guaranteed. However, what I do know now is that I will never again tolerate someone cheating on me. I will walk away. There will be no second chances.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

:iagree: It is without a doubt the one thing I learned and grew to feel strong about.....I won't stand in the way. I went through at least 1 EA (that I just learned about) and 2 EA/PAs before I learned that being an accepting doormat damages and hurts for a long time. I don't know when the triggers & healing will be over but at least I feel I have a stronger resolve if there is a next time.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I would never make a comment like that to a girlfriend. Guy sounds a littel childish/insensitive.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I would never make a comment like that to a girlfriend. Guy sounds a littel childish/insensitive.


And it was very sensitive to me. I really don't want it to be but it really triggered me because with my ex I was always fighting, always trying to be the one he wanted while he chased after other women. The whole "I wish I had my celebrity crush or you here as a nurse" comment made me feel like "an option" rather than being wanted.
.......even reading what I write, I can see I am completely insecure. After all, this is only a celebrity crush he's talking about. Celebrities aren't "real people" in our normal world. I probably am over-reacting. Stupid triggers.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This is how men make women feel settled for.

If that is what they really want they should leave us regular girls alone instead of settling. This is male fantasy. I want to be with a man who spends his time in reality. Those men recognize how lucky they are to have a woman. A real woman, who loves and WANTS them.

My same problem with porn. It only makes men less happy with reality.

If women invested the time men did in fantasy.... oh wait. Women are approaching the rate of infidelity of men.

Never mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No, you're not overreacting, you just got burned with infidelity for goodness sakes. It takes a while to get over this. Just explain gently what happened to make you trigger and how its a sensitive topic for now. It shouldn't scare him off.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> oh wait. Women are approaching the rate of infidelity of men.
> 
> Never mind.


Approaching you say? That may have been true in the 80s, but this is the 21st century and we're living in a different world. Just take a look at the majority of the threads in this forum.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Approaching you say? That may have been true in the 80s, but this is the 21st century and we're living in a different world. Just take a look at the majority of the threads in this forum.


I just find it sad that there is so much infidelity no matter which spouse it comes from. I bet you that our spouses expected us to remain faithful to them when we said our vows. No matter which spouse does the cheating, it's still wrong. But, there are certainly a lot of stupid wives who had good husbands that I would love to give a good shaking too.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't think you're being overly sensitive, the comment would've made me feel like second choice too. 

The problem isn't so much the comment, but the thinking behind it. It's quite possible he wanted to say, "I wish you could've come over and nursed me" but that might've sounded too needy or that he has stronger feelings for you than he's ready to reveal. By throwing in the celebrity crush, it makes him less vulnerable.

Of course the other possibility isn't as favorable, because it could indicate an insensitive streak or a guy who's view of woman may be slightly similar to your ex. It's why you triggered, the comment hit too close to home.

I don't know how long you've been dating, but I'd keep it on the back burner in your mind. If he does it again, I'd talk to him when you're calm and able to discuss it matter of factly without anger. His response could tell you volumes about his character and whether or not you still want to date him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Saffron said:


> I don't think you're being overly sensitive, the comment would've made me feel like second choice too.
> 
> The problem isn't so much the comment, but the thinking behind it. It's quite possible he wanted to say, "I wish you could've come over and nursed me" but that might've sounded too needy or that he has stronger feelings for you than he's ready to reveal. By throwing in the celebrity crush, it makes him less vulnerable.
> 
> ...


We've only been dating about a month now but first met back in July. There's is no commitment between us right now. We have both agreed to this being a one-step-at-a-time thing. No rush into getting serious and no pressure on either of us. We are going to let things happen as they happen. I was just on the phone with him, and we talked for about an hour and a half, and the entire conversation was a question and answer session, it was kinda fun doing it, we were both asking questions, getting to know each other more personally. It was mainly a lot of simple questions from where were you born to how old were you when you had your first kiss, but I did ask him if he had ever been unfaithful when he was in a committed relationship, and he told me that he had never been. I do think he is a great guy, and I do think this has potential. I just have to be careful of my triggers.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> This is how men make women feel settled for.
> 
> If that is what they really want they should leave us regular girls alone instead of settling. This is male fantasy. I want to be with a man who spends his time in reality. Those men recognize how lucky they are to have a woman. A real woman, who loves and WANTS them.
> 
> ...



LOL, and I feel that way about some women - including my wife. Yes it'd be nice to have a ton of flash cars, a hillside mansion, cleaners, maids, the finest silverware etc...But I struggle on like a lot of men, doing whatever I can to put food on the table and a roof over the kids heads.
This is NOT a dig at you CC, but rather a dig at the whole idea of living in fantasies.

Reality - it's where it's at!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> This is how men make women feel settled for.
> 
> If that is what they really want they should leave us regular girls alone instead of settling. This is male fantasy. I want to be with a man who spends his time in reality. Those men recognize how lucky they are to have a woman. A real woman, who loves and WANTS them.
> 
> ...


Believe me, men are subjected to this, as well.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Yes. Both sexes suffer when the other decides to feed unhealthy dreams. But you have to admit that men are more likely to lust after other women more and to compare more. And it hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Why not be honest with him and tell him that due to your past, those comments trigger you? If he is worth his salt, he will understand and keep his comments to himself.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Yes. Both sexes suffer when the other decides to feed unhealthy dreams. But you have to admit that men are more likely to lust after other women more and to compare more. And it hurts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, that is simply not true, IMO. Let's stop the gender war here. Both are well represented among cheaters, abusers, and superifical *******s.
It's tempting, when one has been burned and hurt by a member of the opposite sex, to paint that gender with a broad brush.

I'd venture many of the men here could relate stories every bit as painful and humiliating as the women.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Arnold said:


> No, that is simply not true, IMO. Let's stop the gender war here. Both are well represented among cheaters, abusers, and superifical *******s.
> It's tempting, when one has been burned and hurt by a member of the opposite sex, to paint that gender with a broad brush.
> 
> I'd venture many of the men here could relate stories every bit as painful and humiliating as the women.


We're getting a little off subject with the "who does it more" bit.

I think fantasies are healthy. My wife and I discuss ours and if we're both willing and it's possible, try to make them reality. I am comfortable with the idea that she thinks Matthew McConaghy is the hottest man alive. I don't feel threatened by that at all. I am positive that she doesn't believe that I will run off with Andie McDowell, either.
Almost all of my fantasies only involve her, there's no one else that I want to make love to.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> And it was very sensitive to me. I really don't want it to be but it really triggered me because with my ex I was always fighting, always trying to be the one he wanted while he chased after other women. The whole "I wish I had my celebrity crush or you here as a nurse" comment made me feel like "an option" rather than being wanted.
> .......even reading what I write, I can see I am completely insecure. After all, this is only a celebrity crush he's talking about. Celebrities aren't "real people" in our normal world. I probably am over-reacting. Stupid triggers.


Triggers are a *****! The surprise in a movie with a cheating wife or child abuse can ruin my whole weekend.

My take on it is that you should explain to him your trigger. Tell him that you know he was just joking, and you know he did not in any way want to offend you. Yet because of what your ex used to do it became a trigger. So you are not blaming new BF for doing anything wrong. You just want him to know that you are overly sensitive to those kinds of comments.

If he can't handle you having your issues, he isn't the right guy! We all have issues. We all have our oddities. Whether or not it is logical for you to have these triggers, and whether or not he thinks it is weird, the fact remains that you have this trigger.

If he honestly cares about you he will want to know what to avoid.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DanF said:


> We're getting a little off subject with the "who does it more" bit.
> 
> I think fantasies are healthy. My wife and I discuss ours and if we're both willing and it's possible, try to make them reality. I am comfortable with the idea that she thinks Matthew McConaghy is the hottest man alive. I don't feel threatened by that at all. I am positive that she doesn't believe that I will run off with Andie McDowell, either.
> Almost all of my fantasies only involve her, there's no one else that I want to make love to.


I personally have problems with fantasies that involve other people, but that's probably because my ex would actually sleep with other people. To me, it's one thing to simply think another person is attractive, after all, we are all human, and we will always know a pretty face when we see one, but it's how we act towards that pretty face. My husband was always my world but his world was to see how many women he could have sex with. But when it came to celebrity crushes, my exH just wouldn't say he thought such and such was good-looking, he sit there and graphically describe to me the sex he would want with them. If I ever told him it bothered me, I would hear all about how I am way too insensitive, that I can't take a joke, that I'm a stick in the butt. He would make me feel I was in the wrong, and he was very good with doing that.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Your husband is a very sick individual. You need to look at what it is inside of you that allowed you to tolerate this all that time.
FWIW, I had to do the same and it was not easy looking at my role.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I personally have problems with fantasies that involve other people, but that's probably because my ex would actually sleep with other people. To me, it's one thing to simply think another person is attractive, after all, we are all human, and we will always know a pretty face when we see one, but it's how we act towards that pretty face. My husband was always my world but his world was to see how many women he could have sex with. But when it came to celebrity crushes, my exH just wouldn't say he thought such and such was good-looking, he sit there and graphically describe to me the sex he would want with them. If I ever told him it bothered me, I would hear all about how I am way too insensitive, that I can't take a joke, that I'm a stick in the butt. He would make me feel I was in the wrong, and he was very good with doing that.


Apple, I agree that what your ex did was over the top and not healthy. I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with it in another relationship.
My W has never told me that she has fantasies about ol' Matthew and I don't have fantasies about Andie, I just think that she is incredibly beautiful and sexy as Hell.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Your husband is a very sick individual. You need to look at what it is inside of you that allowed you to tolerate this all that time.
> FWIW, I had to do the same and it was not easy looking at my role.


I always thought I had to honor my vows to him in spite of his treatment to me. I never saw that once he broke his vows, I was released from mine. I was also very dependent on him. I didn't work, I did not have money-I wasn't allowed money. I had a very low self esteem. It took me a long time to finally realize I was worth more than what I was getting from him and April 3, 2011 is when I finally walked away and I never looked back. I've no regrets.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yeah, me too. I was so committed to making it work, I ignored the abuse.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

DanF said:


> Apple, I agree that what your ex did was over the top and not healthy. I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with it in another relationship.
> My W has never told me that she has fantasies about ol' Matthew and I don't have fantasies about Andie, I just think that she is incredibly beautiful and sexy as Hell.


And that is very different. My celebrity crush is Jason Statham. Oh he is the sexiest man in existence in my opinion. I seriously just want to chew on him.  but when I was married, I only had eyes for my husband. Sure, I enjoyed Jason Statham movies because he is some fine man-candy but I wasn't having sexual fantasies about him. I never ever once even entertained the thought of being unfaithful to my husband.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yep, Margaret Dumant does it for me.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I always thought I had to honor my vows to him in spite of his treatment to me. I never saw that once he broke his vows, I was released from mine. I was also very dependent on him. I didn't work, I did not have money-I wasn't allowed money. I had a very low self esteem. It took me a long time to finally realize I was worth more than what I was getting from him and April 3, 2011 is when I finally walked away and I never looked back. I've no regrets.


It is easy to say you won't do something if there is zero chance of it happening. The thing is, what if it were possible. Then the answers are a lot less clear. If you can lust after a star you can lust after the beautiful neighbor or person at work. It is incompatible with marriage to let yourself go there because you think it is safe and can't happen. Many affairs begin just like that. Can't happen so what can it hurt to linger on the thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> It is easy to say you won't do something if there is zero chance of it happening. The thing is, what if it were possible. Then the answers are a lot less clear. If you can lust after a star you can lust after the beautiful neighbor or person at work. It is incompatible with marriage to let yourself go there because you think it is safe and can't happen. Many affairs begin just like that. Can't happen so what can it hurt to linger on the thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Everyday, I see people just walking the streets of our city, who are much more physically attractive that the celebrities that are held up as so hot.
Jennifer Lopez looks like a dog next to some of these women.
It is all hype.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> It is easy to say you won't do something if there is zero chance of it happening. The thing is, what if it were possible. Then the answers are a lot less clear. If you can lust after a star you can lust after the beautiful neighbor or person at work. It is incompatible with marriage to let yourself go there because you think it is safe and can't happen. Many affairs begin just like that. Can't happen so what can it hurt to linger on the thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. Many people probably at first don't "intentionally" get into affairs but I also use the word, "intentionally" very loosely because once the affair is under way, all actions to have said affair is very intentional. But the cheaters start off with the thought of "it's harmless to just have lunch" or "they are going through a rough patch right now and I'm a friend if they need an ear, it's harmless." Then before you know it, they're in a full blow affair and somehow it's their spouses fault for not being attentative enough when the entire time they were the one straying away. I believe that a celebrity crush can certainly cause a domino effect. It can go from thinking if it's harmless for celebrity crush because they are not "real people" in our everyday lives, then a little work flirting is harmless too because wifey or husby doesn't flirt with me anymore and it feels nice, then a little lunch is harmless because it's a work lunch and not a date, then secretly meeting at the park because the dog needs a walk is harmless because the dog needs to poop, then following them back to their place is harmless because it's dark out and I'm concerned for their safety, and going inside for a quick drink is harmless because I'm thirsty and if I don't drink I might die (do you see how each "harmless" thought becomes more irrational than the next?) Then becoming naked and sweaty with that OP is harmless because my spouse just doesn't give me any attention anymore, they just don't understand me, it's all their fault for putting me in this position....blah blah blah
I'm not saying every person with a celebrity crush will end up cheating on their spouse but I do believe it can certainly cause of chain reaction of irrational "it's harmless" thoughts.


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