# marriage and sex



## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

well i tried to do a search on this topic but sex is a 3 letter word ha ha. so ill start of my first post on this topic seeing that its the cause of my marriage problems.

my wife and i have no sex life. well not entirely but 3-4 times per year does not count as a sex life to me. i dont think that it counts as a sex life to her either. we have discussed it and she admits that is not healthy but refuses to do anything about it. she claims that it is normal and only a phase. but, its been a rather long phase. the problem started just before marriage. prior to marriage our sex life would have made an adult film star blush. but about 6 months before our wedding the sex ended. we did have a few arguments over it and i was feeling that maybe marriage was the wrong thing for us. she claimed it was the stress of planing a wedding and i was trying to be understanding and believed her. well after marriage it continued first it was school then work, then my work or the place we lived the furniture my new job, her lack of a job... well you get the idea it was everything but her. please dont jump to conclusions and think that i was all out blaming her for the problem, i did take all of her considerations seriously. i made more of an effort to add extra romance and the other stuff that she used as part of the blame game. i followed all the rules for marriage conflict and still do (haha). though i never out and out blamed her i did continue to complain about our sex life. well after about 2 years we decided to have children. well you can imagine the argument that ensued when i tried to explain to her that the only way we were going to make a baby was by having sex. after about 1 year of no children she finally took my advice and had sex with me more than once in a month and we were pregnant. 

so no sex for 9 months except at the end when she read that sex could induce labor so we had sex 2-3 times during the last week or so. well no sex again but hey i realized that was normal. at first she did want sex after she was feeling better in her nether regions (im glad im a guy  i think it was only to assure herself that everything still worked because it didn't last long. babies are hard work so i could understand why no sex but i did just as much work as she and i didn't loose my libido. then the same excuses came to light, the house, the job, the furniture (that one i could never really understand) blah blah blah. im aware of hormone levels and body views and all that stuff. im still here in the marriage so im very understanding.

after some discussions about the sex she decided to give it a whirl. well ooops not sure exactly what happened.... pregnant again. one time? ugghhh and it wasn't pleasurable at all and she made me quit in the middle. 9 months again and then about 1 year "to heal" i got so tired of hearing im still healing. and this is the the insult all the while she kept telling me that she was still healing, she was masturbating. i remember asking her to just include me in... but it was a moot subject.

7 years later nothing has really changed. we had sex in february (cause she wanted it) and in october last year we had sex 6 times. an idea she had read about, about never saying no. we had tried it once before kids (when it wa my suggestion it was bunk) it didnt last, we had sex once and the next day she said no. other than last october we have only had sex because she has wanted it. i make her mad if i even suggest having sex. she will say im pressuring her or making her feel uncomfortable, that i need to take it slow. please trust me when i say there is no amount of slowness slow enough for her... ive tried.

we talk alot. most people would say that we have the best relationship. that they wish their marriage was as strong as ours. and its not a facade i truely love my wife.. no im not smothering, i give her lots of space, she can and will do what ever she wants, we are truely best friends.

but still i cannot relieve myself of the inner depression that my sex life ended at age 27. my wife got very depressed and insecure when i stopped chasing her for sex last fall. it funny how she complained and got angry that i was pressuring her so when i quit she gets upset thinking i dont love her anymore, or am cheating. thats what spurred the never say no thing last october. another thing that has bothered me is that she always brags and claims that we have such a healthy/happy sex life to her friends. it has been very depressing to me and ive explained my feelings to her the really bad thing now is that im starting to not really care.....

13 years of marriage...


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Communication is a great way to start for both of you-

I think you may need to see if she has some underlying medical condition that has decreased her libido. Stress and fatigue can greatly diminish your sex drive. If it is stess induced then maybe looking in to relaxation therapy or meditation. She could be depressed which can lead to low libido. Also, look into nutrition and exercise. I know when I am doing my 2 mile cardio alone it boost my mood and increases my libido. Our lives are full of stress and sex should not be one of the stressers it should be enjoyable and relieve tension. So in short, nutrition, exercises and adequate rest. Learn relaxation techniques, meditation and/or yoga to deal with everyday stress. 

I was searching the internet and found this interesting article which that lifestyle changes can be benificial, that is eating right, exercise, adequate rest - 

Low sex drive in women - MSN Health & Fitness - Women's Sexual Health



I recommend books by Dr. Andrew Weil's to get you started for a healthy life:

Amazon.com: Natural Health, Natural Medicine: The Complete Guide to Wellness and Self-Care for Optimum Health: Andrew Weil: Books

Amazon.com: Dr. Andrew Weil's Guide to Eating Well: Dr. Andrew Weil: Movies & TV

In short, see a physician to make sure it is not medical, follow the nutrition, exercise, rest and relaxation techniques and you can seek a therapist to help with some of the emotions that you and your wife are experiencing.

Just my opinion  Good Luck


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

i think the biggest problem is her feeling that she is not part of the problem. but if you new her it would make sense. she never believes that anything is her fault. not that im saying that this non sexual relationship we are having is 100% her fault. but again, if you new her.... everything is always someone elses fault. ive tried to explain to her (concerning other areas of life) that sometimes you need to look in the mirror and say what can i do better. its a philosophy i do with myself. i know im not perfect, i know that i fail and recognize it, and do what i can to fix it or try to not make the same mistake. she does have a low self esteem, though few would notice. but it is recognizeable when you look hard at her personality. she will almost always avoid things that that may result in failure. she also lacks the ability to finish things. from the inane, like opening a box (never completely opens the box) to more complex things like working out our sex problems.

a few years ago, after doing some minor research, i brought home some herbal suplements/vitamins. they where to help give increased energy and libido. they where made for women. i asked her to just try and take them for one month and see if any changes happen. she took them for two days and threw the bottle away. its like that with other things. once she admitted that she was to blame and felt bad. i suggested that we go to her gyno and make sure everything was ok physically. seeing that the problem occurred BC (before children) there may a hormone problem or something. keep in mind that when talking things over with my wife i dont use words like "your problem" or "your to blame". so, anyways she never wated to discuss it with the gyno and got upset whenever i brought it up again. once i took her shopping and bought her all kinds of new outfits she was feeling kinda down about her physical appearance. along with those outfits were some sexy lingerie and things, that she picked out. she never wore one piece of it for me or otherwise. a few months later when i was feeling rather depressed about the whole thing i threw them away. she never said a word. to this day i think she believes they are still in the bottom drawer.

its odd that i can say "honey im really feeling depressed about our love life and would really like to do something to try and bring more romance into our relationship" and she will come back saying "why does everybody try and blame me". when shes in the mood there is no stopping her. she would have sex in an alley behind a dumpster. its just that shes in the mood only 3-4 times a year. and heaven help me if i say no. i said no once and i thought she was going to kill me, she was so angry. last year about this time i wrote her a letter about how i was feeling and how i was very concerned for our relationship. i got the idea from some info i had read. putting it in letter form was to possibly make her feel less threatened. and give her time to reflect with out my being there or so i thought. after a week i finally got the nerve to ask her about what she thought... she said the same things about me pressuring her and making her feel to blame and such. it was not a good time.

im feeling rather lost. this waxes and wanes. im ok by it for a few months then i will feel kinda lousey. i often will think that i saw all the signs and by being understanding i went through with a marriage that was doomed in the begining. its odd that all this talk i read about being understanding and caring for your partner is what has led me into this relationship. and now with kids its not the easiest thing to get out of, if at all. no, im not really thinking about divorce. i love her with all my heart.


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

thanks for the links....
honestly ive read all that stuff before and so has my wife. its all rather moot when she wants nothing to do with changing things.

btw she is 5 years younger than i so she was 22-23 when all this stuff started. she also claims that its not new, that she did the same thing with her past boy friend and he left her because of it, lol. thanks for the warning. hey yeah lets get married oh and by the way ummmm yeah im gonna get tired of sex in about 2 more months and will lie to you and say its all your fault and that you should be more understanding, its what i do.

somethings you expect...


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

You cannot change her. You can only change you. If she is not willing to accept that you both have a problem and she is unwilling to accept that she even.might be part of the problem there isn't anything you can do but look after you. Talk to a coucelor. If you can't fix it let her know you cannot live this way and leave. She'll either realize that she needs help or she won't. But you should have to live that way.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

scotty said:


> well i tried to do a search on this topic but sex is a 3 letter word ha ha. so ill start of my first post on this topic seeing that its the cause of my marriage problems.


Fixed the setting so people can search 3 letter words now. Sorry about that!


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

no i would not leave her... but i think of it on occasion as im sure all married people have... maybe. im not sure im asking for help here just feels good to let things out. i do have other places that ive vented, friends and family. my one friend, when she complains to her mother about husband problems and such, her mother says to her first "how are things in the bedroom?". if they are ok then she says "well what are you complaining about, it cant be that big of a deal the two of you are still making love". very wise in my opinion. ive read that good sex is 10% of a relationship and bad sex is 90%. i try and look at things as if there was a physical problem (and there may be) that would prevent romance. still, i have a friend that is paralyzed from the shoulders down and he and his wife have sex at the least twice a week or so she says. so thats rather unpromising. even my mom at 65 is more sexually active than i am 


i wish she would just say it to me "hey i dont like sex, never really did, only had sex with you, because it was new, and ill only have sex with you when im feeling very horny and only if you happen to be around during that 1 hour period" then i would fell like ok i can live with that. awhile back when an argument ensued over this, as it it often does when i bring it up. i made that comment to her similar to that and got the same old lines "why am i so insensitive... blah blah blah". ive used all the psycho babel techniques such as start your sentences with "this makes me feel...." etc. and it goes like this "always your feelings, what about mine". funny but as long as we stay off this subject everything is great. we have a modern relationship with few traditional roles. i am active in doing most of the house work she does the laundry. i do the cooking she gets the kids ready for school. i do the home work at night half the days she does the other half. both of us now work at jobs we enjoy. and the kids are all in school full time. we both take a day off mid week for ourselves and do things together like garden and go out for lunch and stuff, sometimes we just sit around all morning and drink coffee and talk. im telling you all that our marriage would be considered text book perfect except this stupid bedroom problem. we go on vacation together for at least one weekend per year without kids. and a romantic vacation at that. but never sex. i just dont try anymore, its too depressing getting turned down, or worse getting yelled at for trying.


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

ive tried different techniques. the usual non romantic thing, a wink and point to the bedroom. also tried the long kiss type of mood getter. she doesnt like to kiss and doesnt like to hold hands. she likes her back rubbed. so ive gone that route. and of course i try to make some type of move. she says why does it always lead to sex.... what? if it always led to sex then i wouldnt be having the crisis. is teasing leading to sex. isnt that what ya did when love was new. tease the heck out of each other all day till ya couldnt stand it anymore. if i was ugly i could understand. neither of us are overweight. both of us are good looking. no weird abnormalities here. orgasm never been a problem for her. the worst now is she has been so nonsexual that when we do have sex it really all about her. by that i mean she has an orgasm and then tells me to hurry up because we are so outa practice that it starts to hurt. aaarrrggghhhh sometimes she just stops and leaves me there to fend for myself, which isnt as bad as it seems but still rather pitiful. i mean how bad can it really be considering this only occurs every 3-4 months. the pain thing hasnt always been a problem so dont think that its something that needs looking into. its literally because she rarely uses her thing lol. i get so angry inside anytime she makes comments about people and their sex lives. or when we will watch tv and they have some sex seen like "medium" or something. jeez those two are always going at it. and my wife always makes some comment about what a great relationship they have. inside im thinking first, its a tv show, duh, second, if its so darn great why arent we doing it.


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

i guess im starting to feel old now. 40 soon. and im going to be some creepy old guy masturbating in the shower trying not to get caught, always hoping to get laid. 

sigh.........


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

i gotta add.
2 years after the twins we stil were non sexual. though much better than after our first child. after the first child they stitch her up to repair a tear and it made her a bit smaller and understandably it was somewhat uncomfortable to have intercourse for her. after the twins she requested no stitches and all was good... still infrequent and i had too wait almost a year. but no pain for her when we did. but the lack of sex had driven me to ask what the course of action was that we should take. well she said she was afraid to get pregnant and didnt like condoms (we never have used condoms) so she told that if i got vasectomy that she would be more relaxed and would want intercourse again. well you can imagine what i did the next day... called the urologist. man i thought it was all figured out. thought that maybe this was the problem all along. she was afraid of getting pregnant. makes sense, yes? even when we were trying to have a baby i we were nervous.. of course. maybe some underlying nervousness was causing the lack of desire. wow i thought i had it all figured out. got the vasectomy in about a month. the urologist check me out as to why i wanted a vasectomy, standard question he said. i told him 3 kids and the wife wont have sex with me til i get it done. he said lets go! not the best thing in the world to have done. they didnt get enough Novocaine in me so when they actually made the "final cut", so to speak. it felt like someone kick me in the groin only worse. i thought i was going to vomit. well they stuck in some more Novocaine and all was good. considdering it all i faired pretty well. was a bit off for the rest of the day and was hyper aware of my privates (weird when they are normaly bouncing around and ya never really notice). other than that the next day all was good, like nothing ever happened. so i waited the next month and a half to be sure all the sperm where dead. now it was time to take in a sample for the docs. i ask my wife to help me out with this part. she would not. all out refused, how dare i pressure her. i can do it on my own she said..... well it did nothing to change things. 

so it just goes to show what extremes a guy is willing to go. lets see ummm ok so you will have sex with me if i get my scrotum cut open and have my testicles severed then stitched and knotted and burnt. sounds like a deal to me!

well i think this is my last post for awhile. ive had my pitty party and feel i little better.


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

HEY WAIT! 

Don't leave us yet... lol. 

There are items out there for women that do to her what you get done for us... such as viagra. And maybe its a medical condition, not just a lack of motivation. You ever hear of nymphomania? I'm sure theres an opposite too. I'm not trying to say that she is justified, but I am saying that you both have the right to have sex if you like. Weather she wants to or not, she does have a civil duty to you as your wife. Who says she has to have sex with you? She has a mouth, hands, feet... arms? Well, you get my point.


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## drax (Apr 19, 2008)

Hi
Well i've said it before: They always enjoy sex before marriage; but once they are married its a different story. I sincerely hope the ladies in this forum can tell us men why this is mostly the case. I understand that this not apply to other women out there as well.
PLEASE HEEEEEEEELP US MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Resentment
Sex is not a physical need
Tired from work/kids/keeping up the house
Issues with self-image
Not feeling close & connected to my spouse
I am not in that situation myself, but have been and it basically boiled down to not feeling loved and appreciated so the desire dwindles over time.

I don't think there's a single answer as I've read many posts where the husband appears to be doing all of the right things, but still no sex, so I guess the list may vary from one woman to the next that is in this position. I guess in those cases I would want to get my hormone levels checked to be sure there isn't a medical reason.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

My problem is the reverse... 

My reading of it is that, barring some drastic physical change/medical problem, its just an issue of not feeling "connected". 

Work on normal intimacy (mutual intimacy! not where you're always reaching out and she is always pulling away) first. if you love someone you will naturally want to kiss, hug, touch and hold them. It's where the love connection has kind of waned that people find they no longer wish to be intimate. To work on your intimacy I think you need to work on your honest communication first. That is what I try to do myself.

My best wishes to you!


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

for us intamacy is not a problem. for the last year there has been no reaching out from me for sex. maybe even longer than a year. more like two years. i still feel frustrated though i no longer ask or even slightly make any move towards any sexual contact ie. the private parts. comunication is not a problem (unless it involves our sex life). and that is why ive decided to post here. everything that i read always involves talking about things and communication and doing date type things together etc. we are not lacking in any of those areas. it is frustrating to find all info about a bad sex life to be geared to the idea that all men are emotional idiots and completely with out a clue on how to woo a women and make her feel special. to me it is the very heart of love that makes one act that way. if your behavior is not geared in that direction then i dont believe that you are in love with that person any more and yes you need help in finding that love again, if you so wish. think of all the dumb things that we all did as new lovers..... well they are not dumb when you are in love. they all make perfect sense. we still continue to do those stupid things together. that is why i stated earlier that most people envy our marriage and wonder how the two of us are able to continue to act like school kids together.

its also frustrating to hear friends say they have the same problems stating that they only have sex a couple times per month... no offense but that is not the same problem. its very frustrating to look at your wife naked or be cuddleing in bed together and know that you are not allowed to suggest verbaly or physically the idea of having intercourse or other play that involves our private parts. when she wants it well it a whole nother story. for instance she woke up horny about 2 years ago and lifted up her nightshirt in the kitchen and said "**** me" while she watched around the corner to make sure the kids didnt move from watching cartoons. its not a body image, the kids might hear, my mother will be here soon, im tired, wheres the foreplay, when was the last time you did something for me, problem. unless of course its my move, then every excuse comes into play. just about everytime we do have sex, afterwards she says wow we need to do this more often. YES, LETS DO THAT! 

it is a viscious circle though, ive been through every scenario. see what will happen (not just in my life but in others) is she or he says no then the other feels rejected and looses the feeling of doing something for that person. i know men and women are different but imagine this scenario. wife says ya know ive been so busy and havent made love to my husband in weeks and i can tell that he is really feeling rejected. im going to really make an effort tonight to make him feel special. so she does it and the guy says "are ya fricking kidding me youve been ignoring me for the last two weeks, you gotta a lot of nerve to even think that i would want to get intimate with you" how would that woman feel? yet that is what some women will do to men all the time. i honestly think that when my wife has done that to me, its only because she is trying to take the guilt off herself. for instance she has said no way because of a silly argument that occured 6 months piror. but, heres the kicker we had sex twice during that time. ?

anytime i make a move sexually towrds her she will start a fight so, that she has a very good reason to say no.


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## scotty (Jun 2, 2008)

yes its frigidity.
how could viagra work/ ok i buy the viagra and say, hey here is some viagra..... now what? do i crush it up and slip it into her drink?

lol


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