# New here, desperate and depressed, don't know what to do!



## jpmt (Aug 11, 2010)

Hello all! I'm writing because my marriage is falling apart, I guess it has always been. My husband has always been an alcoholic, and mistreated me for 4 years, he even abandoned me when I was pregnant. Last Dec we went on vacation and he ruined the whole trip cause of his drinking, he called me all sorts of abusive things in front on my own family and I got so hurt and I finally told him to go. When we got back home he stopped drinking, he hasn't had any alcohol since Jan but our fights are the same and I feel like I don't love him anymore and it hurts me so bad! He's the best dad in the world but I just can't deal with this anymore, I get so depressed about it! He tells me he can tell i dont love him but I tell him that i don't know. I'm so scared of being alone. I have no one here, my friends and family are 4 hrs away on a plain, and I'm scared if I tell him that we need a break that it will be a mistake. I'm so sad right now


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## jpmt (Aug 11, 2010)

I forgot to mention we've been seeing a couples' therapist since nov '09 and things have just gotten worse!


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## jpmt (Aug 11, 2010)

can someone please talk to me? i feel so hopeless right now!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I didn't answer earlier because I don't know what to say to someone who prefers being mistreated to being alone. I'm not sure what you want to hear. You didn't ask a question.


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## jpmt (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm independent, I have a salary, I work, I have hobbies....and I know people but the people that I really trust with my personal life are at home (my good friends), not here. Like I said, He's changed a lot of things in his behavior and that's why I'm so torn, cause I don't know if all the damage he did in the past just destroyed that unconditional love I once felt for him. I've asked him for a break, maybe a week or 2 of being away from each other and what he says is that if I do that I'm going to regret it, that he might not want to come back, and that's why I'm scared. I think a break is what we need so I can figure out my emotions and my feelings but he doesn't agree. We've tried talking, many many times, but someone always ends up crying or hurt. We're young and to be honest, I don't want to keep him around if I can't love him the way I used to. I want to protect my daughter from all the fighting, I grew up in an abusive environment and I ended up being a depressed teenager/young adult...I don't want my daughter to go through that, but I don't want her to be without her dad, he's a great dad and I just wonder if I'll ever be able to love him again. Is it possible to fall in love again?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

" he says is that if I do that I'm going to regret it, that he might not want to come back, and that's why I'm scared" - Controlling and threatening behaviour on his part.

"We've tried talking, many many times, but someone always ends up crying or hurt". - Circular discussion with no end in sight 

"don't want to keep him around if I can't love him the way I used to "- This says a lot to for you --- Listen to yourself...

I prefer a marriage to survive however I think as you have been to counselling and the relationship in the house is difficult, you can either

Stay as you are and pretend to be happy

or


Make a change that gives you both a break from each other, such as time apart ---- so long as there is NO outside relationship interfering with your marriage. 

Then you will both have the opportunity to reflect as to what is best for both of you. 

Children are always a challenge but bought up in a household that is not in harmony is not going to help your daughter. 

Based on what you have written I will suggest you have a period of absence from each other.

Visitation rights for your daughter will need to be agreed as do the financial aspects. 

Be careful as he may say YOU go and your daughter remains. 

You may have to move out with daughter and let him know after the deed - get a lawyer involved from the beginning.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you really want to make it work and the counseling that you attend now isn't working, try another counselor. You don't want to end this unless you have done everything you can.

But you need to make sure that in your mind, ending the relationship IS a possible answer.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

It is entirely possible to be happy again. And you don't have to depend on a man for your happiness.

My mother is in the middle of a very messy divorce. She has 4 children still at home, she's been estranged from all her family so she doesn't even have them to fall back on, and she's let her career and dreams slip away to be with this man for 13 years. You may feel affectionate to him through habit, but if you have to question it and you know what he's doing is bad for you and/or your kids, its not worth the scars that will come up later.

I have a sister who remembers her dad throwing a broom at my mother. He's thrown my brother out a window. He's dragged me up the stairs by my hair twice. Don't wait for it to get to this point, I BEG you!


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