# I feel so guilty



## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

I really need to talk to someone about this so I am hoping to be able to on here.

I have been married for 4 years and there has been very little sex in the marriage. I am 40 and my husband is 30. When I met my husband i had come out of an abusive marriage, and at the time i met my husband i felt he was such a lovely person that i wanted him in my life.

We decided to get married and i do love him, but i dont think i am in love in a passionate way, i dont think i would ever want to feel that again.

Anyway, we got on really well but gradually the intimacy got less and less, because i just wasnt comfortable with it, i just never wanted to.

I knew this was hard on my husband and i tried to think of ways to make it be there, every now and then i managed it but i just didnt want to. My husband was quite dependant on me, and quite needy, and that just made it worse and put me off more.

I know this was not good for his self esteem, but i didnt know how else i could change. i looked in to having counselling but it was so expensive and i couldnt afford it.

he also wants to have kids, and at this time in my life it would be really difficult for me to get pregnant, even if we were doing it. Before we got married i did want another child (I have one already), but as time went on and i got older, those feelings just went. We have no money, i am trying to get on by studying so that i could support us more, as he doesnt earn much. i didnt want to stop all that.

Last week i found that he had been talking to other women, talking about sex but also talking about whether they want kids. I wasn't jealous, just hurt that he was doing this behind my back and i felt that he was trying to find someone to leave me for.

This made me know that our relationship must end...for both our sakes, but i feel so guilty and so responsible for causing him pain.

I will miss him, but what else could i do? I couldnt leave him to stay, knowing that he has been doing this. he hasnt wanted to share a bed with me for 6 months, and i have tried to ask him to come to bed, but he didnt want to, i guess he wanted to talk to them.

I just feel that its my fault, he has nowhere to go, but i threw him out (i know he has money to stay somewhere temporarily). 

I just couldnt cope with him being there. i had been contemplating even trying for a baby, even though it wasnt what i wanted, just because i knew he wanted that, and now i am glad i didnt.

I just feel relieved that i dont have to stress about it all and be responsible for him any more, even though i still feel i am.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I have been married for 4 years and there has been very little sex in the marriage.....
> 
> we got on really well but gradually the intimacy got less and less, because i just wasnt comfortable with it, i just never wanted to.
> 
> ...


Please...Let him go... frankly I feel bad for your husband.... a man needs a healthy thriving wanting intimate life with his wife... and your changing your mind on having a child......these are *marriage changers*/ *deal breakers*. If you can't provide...nor want too, the passion is gone.... let him find someone else, so he can live a fulfilled marriage and have his own family. 

Why feel guilty, best this all came out in the open... He should have let you know how he was feeling and got himself out before looking elsewhere else...but we're only human... it just shows how lonely he has been feeling in his own marriage.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

I just read my post and thought of something else, there is so much 'i' in my post, and that was also the problem. I felt like i was responsible for everything. I work part time, take care of the house, study part time, do all DIY, gardening, everything. When he would do something i would ask 'can you do this, that' which is worse. it places all the reposnsibility on me, and i dont want to mother him.

Also, I couldnt afford therapy, but he has just borrowed £1000 for something that he wants. If he really wanted our relationship to be sorted, maybe he would have used the money for therapy instead of just expecting me to sort everything.

In truth, i think that there were tons of problems that probably went some way to me not wanting sex.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

Simplyamorous...yes you are right, and that's what i told myself. i still feel guilty for not being able to give him the life he wanted. the trouble is, since we have been together i have changed inside. I was at a very vulnerable point when i met him, and probably needy. i think that he liked this. My previous relationship had stripped away all that i was, made me feel bad for the person i was.

When i met my husband he was so much more accepting, but then i gradually grew inside, and felt unable to really be me, because we are from different cultures, and certain clothes he would not cope with etc. So i kept still thinking of how to make him feel ok, rather than myself.

Also, religion, is another thing, i have grown away from the religion too, because it is very 'conforming'. I have been finding this hard, because i just want to be me, believe in God, yes, but not have a label and so many expectations of me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

who123456 said:


> the trouble is, since we have been together i have changed inside. I was at a very vulnerable point when i met him, and probably needy. i think that he liked this. My previous relationship had stripped away all that i was, made me feel bad for the person i was.


 Some personalities "get off" on feeling Needed...maybe that sounds strange, but I believe it... after reading about temperament types...My husbands temperament being a







...the 1st few lines of this profile said this...


> ISFJ Profile >>
> 
> "ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "*need to be needed*." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them"...


 So I married a man like this....I love him dearly.. .He was my White Knight and I the Damsel in Distress when we met... but even though my self esteem grew... I didn't grow away from him... we grew together... 

Sounds as though this is NOT your case...you have grown Apart...a variety of issues going on here.. different cultures, different religions, the sex drives, his desire for a child - while you already lived that.... how you dress....

When 2 people are looking through different lenses like this & feel they are right & wants the other to conform... this is just not going to be workable....if both are not willing to sit down... feeling they love enough to *compromise*...on some of these things and find "acceptance"....it's going to be an uphill battle. 

Here is a thread that covers one of these areas >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...t-share-same-religious-spiritual-beliefs.html

About his not spending $$ on something he wanted over Therapy, maybe he has lost hope with the continued sexual rejection... nothing is worse than being with a spouse with 0 enthusiasm...it takes a huge toll on your emotional well being. 

Sex Is an Emotional Need


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

I know you are right. I think I feel guilty as well because I know that I have changed since we met. 

I genuinely did want more kids when we met. But as time went on, I found that he is more of a drifter, I kept suggesting things for him to do to improve his situation, but he wouldn't go for them. This meant the responsibility fell even more on me to provide financially for our future and having a baby would come in the way of that. I am now getting to the age where pregnancy is not really a viable option for my health or a baby's.

He is a nice person and I am sure that he will find someone who can give him the family that he wants.

I probably underestimated the reasons behind me not wanting to have sex. I blamed my previous experiences, but in reality, I think it was the current relationship dynamics that were putting me off...

spiritual differences
me in the driving seat for all aspects of our life (which i dont like, because its too much of a burden)
His lack of ambition or confidence

I had felt a hint of these things at the beginning but thought that attraction would grow.

I guess it didn't grow because nothing changed, i just had more things to cope with.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> About his not spending $$ on something he wanted over Therapy, maybe he has lost hope with the continued sexual rejection... nothing is worse than being with a spouse with 0 enthusiasm...it takes a huge toll on your emotional well being.
> 
> Sex Is an Emotional Need



Yes, maybe. But he has never offered this, part of me thinks that it's just something else that he was waiting for me to sort out.

I know its an emotional need, because I have this too. I dream about sex, and i think i do feel quite lonely. But when i would ask him to come to bed, he didn't want to, probably because he knew we weren't going to have sex. But he lacked confidence in everything, including sex, so it was just another thing that i would need to be in charge of...which I don't find attractive.

I tried to make myself find this attractive, not to over think it, change my idea of what sex should be etc. but i couldn't

It's not his fault, its just how it is.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It sounds like neither of your needs where being met.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

The thing is when i would try to talk to my husband about sex, he would say "it's o.k, it's fine"...but it obviously wasn't fine. Maybe he didnt want to put pressure on me, but he could have tried to help me sort it out. Because there was no point saying "it's fine", then going off to talk to other women.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

who123456 said:


> I just read my post and thought of something else, there is so much 'i' in my post, and that was also the problem. I felt like i was responsible for everything. I work part time, take care of the house, study part time, do all DIY, gardening, everything. When he would do something i would ask 'can you do this, that' which is worse. it places all the reposnsibility on me, and i dont want to mother him.
> 
> Also, I couldnt afford therapy, but he has just borrowed £1000 for something that he wants. If he really wanted our relationship to be sorted, maybe he would have used the money for therapy instead of just expecting me to sort everything.
> 
> In truth, i think that there were tons of problems that probably went some way to me not wanting sex.


When you mentioned £1000 I thought "Why would they *PAY* for relationship counselling?

Relate has a sliding scale based on ability to pay and it is reported that this service only asks for donations FAQs - Marriage Care - Marriage Care


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

who123456 said:


> The thing is when i would try to talk to my husband about sex, he would say "it's o.k, it's fine"...but it obviously wasn't fine. Maybe he didnt want to put pressure on me, but he could have tried to help me sort it out. Because there was no point saying "it's fine", then going off to talk to other women.


*Men often want a woman's perspective on things. Blokes tend to get a bit, well, blokey, so can't be trusted to give good, sensible advise. Women, on the other hand, can usually be trusted to give good, unbiased advice.*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

who123456 said:


> The thing is when i would try to talk to my husband about sex, he would say "it's o.k, it's fine"...but it obviously wasn't fine. Maybe he didnt want to put pressure on me, but he could have tried to help me sort it out. Because there was no point saying "it's fine", then going off to talk to other women.


Could be...he was repulsed by the idea of feeling like a BURDEN TO YOU....so he lied. 

For example.....There was a time in our marriage where, after yrs of infertility ....then going on to have 5 kids in 9 yrs, that I put our babies in front of my husband....we still were having sex every week (I needed it )... but he wanted so much more...he hid this from me..

He is the type of man, that if I wasn't feeling it, he was not going to pull my leg, I swear his happiness was contingent upon *my desire*... he still is a bit like this....not that I mind, I LOVE sex... but back then - I had my thoughts elsewhere ...this hurt him & he responded with silence.....he was slowly building resentment towards me, My God, being a BURDEN in any way shape or form was out of the question to him... 

So this could be a little insight to your husband's psych on that... Once I asked him if he was jealous of the babies in bed, he answered "NO" and rolled over..... he had the perfect opportunity to blow that wide open and tell me ..."look woman, you are my wife, I want YOU in bed, to hold you, caress you, the babies have to go"... but he suppressed it and hid his true feelings... 

Yeah, your husband SHOULD be more forthcoming, many people struggle here... and yeah.... it's stupid... but people miss it. 

I blame my husband in some of this, as I feel had he been more Open & honest with me during that time (though he never talked to other women)...I would have cared enough to give him what he needed & was craving, worked on revving my own engine so to speak, talking it out together, bought a sex book, something !

Could be your husband just felt ... what is the use- too much rejection clouding his mind.

In our situation...he may have wanted more but when we did it, I was enthusiastic to the hilts..... heck if I even gave him the slightest sense of "pity sex"... knowing him, he'd never touch me again!


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

Yeah, i could understand him needing a women's perspective, but not when it is to tell her how gorgeous she is and whether they can meet up, and does she want to have kids in the future . These were sexual conversations with a view to finding another partner.

My husband never suggested we go to counselling, i suggested I go for counselling, and i went for one session with a therapist which did cost a lot of money. But I guess i was just thinking that IF he really wanted us to sort it out, would he just sit back and wait for me to do it?

I'm not sure whether i could have told him that the way he acts turns me off anyway, because then i would have hurt his feelings even more!

I guess because i found him talking to other women in this way and knowing that while he was whispering sweet nothings to them he was telling me the same, it makes me question everything.

I wish i had found this forum sooner.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

who123456 said:


> Yeah, i could understand him needing a women's perspective, but not when it is to tell her how gorgeous she is and whether they can meet up, and does she want to have kids in the future . These were sexual conversations with a view to finding another partner.
> 
> My husband never suggested we go to counselling, i suggested I go for counselling, and i went for one session with a therapist which did cost a lot of money. But I guess i was just thinking that IF he really wanted us to sort it out, would he just sit back and wait for me to do it?
> 
> ...


If you are in the UK you can get a referral from your doctor to an NHS counsellor (psychologist, psychiatrist) which will cost nothing.

Your husband might believe you are about ot dump him so is casting his eyes around for someone to replace you, after you get rid of him?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Intimacy has completely broken down between you. So if he had spent the £1000 on MC wouldn't it have basically seemed like he would have been spending that on a counselor to convince you to have sex? He's likely smart enough to know that and realize it wouldn't help.

He sounds for you like a rebound marriage and you now do not want him as your long term partner and lover. Ok, that happens. You should and do feel guilty about marrying him. Yes, you made a mistake and now see that you should not have gotten married before you personally had healed from your first marriage.

Ok, part guilt is something you can't change. However you can affect current and future guilt. 

I suggest changing how you are dealing with him. You are reacting to his inappropriate actions with a lot of furry and have kicked him out of his home. Let him back home, and be honest with him. Ask hm to e honest with you. Neither one of you is happy and fulfilled in this marriage, and you do not wish to change to fit what the other wants in a partner.

So it's time for a amicable and adult divorce. No drama, go for patience and give the other person the benefit of the doubt always, but get divorced knowing the two of you are not a good fit.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

The trouble is, if he comes back, it will be me trying to help him find somewhere else for him to live, and all the while, while he is here i will think he is chatting to those women, which will hurt, because i do have feelings. I may not be attracted to him but i do love him.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

Mattmatt - i tried the doctor, and they referred me but when i spoke to the counselling (CBT) people they said they couldn't help with sexual problems.

And yes, absolutely that's what he was doing, preparing himself to leave. I think that's why i went off the deep end and threw him out. Because i was angry that i have been trying to change what i felt was my problem, and i have been trying to want another baby, and trying to make myself want it now, before i get too old. while he is off trying to find my replacement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you told him -in words or deeds- that you do not find him attractive?

My wife has said this to me several times. Part of her "being honest" policy. It damages your self-worth. 

I mean, if you aren't attractive, what are you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

who123456 said:


> Mattmatt - i tried the doctor, and they referred me but when i spoke to the counselling (CBT) people they said they couldn't help with sexual problems.
> 
> And yes, absolutely that's what he was doing, preparing himself to leave. I think that's why i went off the deep end and threw him out. Because i was angry that i have been trying to change what i felt was my problem, and i have been trying to want another baby, and trying to make myself want it now, before i get too old. while he is off trying to find my replacement.


Then ask your doctor to a referral to a sex counsellor! And some CBT counsellors DO sex therapy! What is *wrong* with these bloody people? :soapbox: :rant: Sorry!


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

No, i have always told him that i do find him attractive (he actually is attractive) and the problem is with me...I couldn't tell him the truth because he would be too hurt by it, and i did also think the problem WAS with me...maybe it is...i guess i'll never know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

who123456 said:


> No, i have always told him that i do find him attractive (he actually is attractive) and the problem is with me...I couldn't tell him the truth because he would be too hurt by it, and i did also think the problem WAS with me...maybe it is...i guess i'll never know.


Call your doctor as soon as the surgery is open and ask for an appointment and get him or her to refer you to someone who will be able to help you. 

And then you will know.:smthumbup:

One way or another the counselling will help you to become a more whole and healthier version of you


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

I am so upset, I miss him so much. I don't know what else I can do.

If we tried to go for counselling to find out what my barrier is (I think its a barrier for any intimacy - because I would never want to be with anyone else again...the thought scares the hell out of me)

But even if that worked, i still won't be able to give him babies...

So what else can i do but split up?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It sounds like him looking for someone new is the natural consequence to the change you imposed on the relationship. All things considered it's probably for the best that you're both able to move on.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

I never meant for him to feel bad about himself, i didn't withold sex on purpose, i just couldn't do it. 

Hurting him was the last thing i wanted to do. I don't want to lose him, but i can't give him what he wants...i wish i could


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

who123456 said:


> I don't want to lose him, but i can't give him what he wants...i wish i could


It's not what he "wants". It's what he "needs". What he's shown through his actions is that if he's neglected he'll look for ways to fill that need. What you have shown through your actions is that you cannot tolerate that, which is understandable. Your actions have also demonstrated how you feel about the importance of his needs, but I'll leave that to you to figure out. In any case, if he needs that connection and is willing to go outside the marriage to find it, and if you cannot tolerate him doing so (which I agree with you there) then you did the only thing you could do. That is, end it and free each other to find someone who can meet those needs.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Please...Let him go... frankly I feel bad for your husband.... a man needs a healthy thriving wanting intimate life with his wife... and your changing your mind on having a child......these are *marriage changers*/ *deal breakers*. If you can't provide...nor want too, the passion is gone.... let him find someone else, so he can live a fulfilled marriage and have his own family.
> 
> Why feel guilty, best this all came out in the open... He should have let you know how he was feeling and got himself out before looking elsewhere else...but we're only human... it just shows how lonely he has been feeling in his own marriage.


Did you marry him, just to escape your previous abusive relationship?Let him go as it sounds like you married him for all the wrong reasons.All the posters here are dead on.The poor guy, only wants intimacy from a new wife which is normal.

I'm sorry,but it sounds like you hooked him into marrying you
then stop trying.You marry someone only, if you truly love them.
If not don't marry.


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

No I didn't marry him to escape the marriage, i was already out of it. I married him because i love him, and i still love him. I wanted to be able to give him sex, to give him babies, but i have problems with sex, i always have had, my whole life...the abusive marriage just seems to have made that worse.

I wanted everything he wanted, i need everything he needs, but something inside me just wont allow me to be vulnerable again, so i have to stay in control of everything, because it's too scary not to.

i dont feel attracted to him, but then i was only even attracted to wrong people. I know i am a mess and he is better of without me, but i did want it to work so badly. i didnt hurt him on purpose, i just hoped it would all be o.k, so i just stuck my head in the sand


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

who123456 said:


> I wanted everything he wanted, i need everything he needs,* but something inside me just wont allow me to be vulnerable again,* so i have to stay in control of everything, because it's too scary not to.


Vulnerability... it's a hard climb for many after much hurt in their pasts...but it needs opened up, and worked through...to fine wholeness again and true CONNECTION with your husband...anyone in your life really. 

Take a moment & click on the video in the 1st line of this link..











> *i dont feel attracted to him, but then i was only even attracted to wrong people.* I know i am a mess and he is better of without me, but i did want it to work so badly. i didnt hurt him on purpose, i just hoped it would all be o.k, so i just stuck my head in the sand


 Were you attracted to the *BAD BOY type* all these years -which never ended well ?? So this time you fell into the arms of a *Nice Guy Gentleman type*...possibly, since he is safer? 

It doesn't matter that it wasn't on purpose... we all have our thresholds and a satisfactory sex life is one of them- for many of us.....Feeling desired by your wife is LIFE Giving... men need it. Can't remember if I put this link on here or not....

Sex Is an Emotional Need -Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

Thank you for all your comments. I have decided to go for counselling and hopefully he will come to some couple counselling too if we can afford both. Then we can try to see if this is something that we can sort out and carry on, or if we have to split up


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## who123456 (Mar 2, 2013)

WOW that Brene Brown video was great, thank you for that link. I think I would like to watch more of her stuff or read more on this. Thank you xxx


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

who123456 said:


> WOW that Brene Brown video was great, thank you for that link. I think I would like to watch more of her stuff or read more on this. Thank you xxx


You can *YOU TUBE* many videos by her...very eye opening... Brene Brown - YouTube

Though this was the only one I took the time to watch. I think this is the BEST book I have ever read.. I highly recommend









 The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are 



> In *The Gifts of Imperfection*, Brené Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.
> 
> Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate. So most of us perform, please, and perfect, all the while thinking, "What if I can't keep all of these balls in the air? Why isn't everyone else working harder and living up to my expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself?"
> 
> In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough," and to go to bed at night thinking, "Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging."


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