# New and need some advice



## Memeslove (Nov 20, 2021)

So my husband of 7 years together 11 is a crossdresser. When he first brought him dressing as a woman it was to role play I bought him outfits panties makeup thigh highs whole nine yards. It started out once every couple of months and over time it has become more n more there have been times when he was unemployed that he stayed dressed for days. He kept pushing limits on who knew going out in public. Yes there have been many fights and we both have left to try n figure out what it is we each want. He has mentioned living half the time as a man and half as a woman. I have expressed that is just not the type of relationship I want. So he has said and made promises but he dresses up no less than 2-3 times a week. I have tried to express my feelings and thoughts but he somehow turns things that I'm not willing to try harder. He says that while he is dressed as a female then he should be allowed to talk to other ppl (he says he's a lesbiean when he's dressed up). He talks to females both as himself and "Paige" I know he's been physical with 1 female but always seems to have "a connection" with females that he's says he's never felt with anyone else than them. I know I should leave and let him find himself but what seems to always happen is I leave or he does and a couple of months go by and he isn't able to find someone that he has pictured in his head he pope back into my life and I want so badly to be with the man I fell in love with (the only man I have actually be in love with) and I belive the promises and lies and within a few months we are back where he is dressing up more and more and I keep agreeing to more and more because I want to make him happy. I know I should leave and all that but I don't know how to get him to listen to me n how I feel. When he 1st told me he was a crossdresser I did so much research about crossdressers and have explained what I have read and learned and he tells me that we are different than the ppl I've read about and he is capable of limiting his times and I want so badly to belive him I stay. Or when he cries that no one will ever love him or that he is some freak I want nothing more than to show him he is loved and not a freak I just don't know how to make everyone happy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Memeslove said:


> He has mentioned living half the time as a man and half as a woman. I have expressed that is just not the type of relationship I want.


You and the vast majority of women. Very few women on the planet would be involved with such a "man".



Memeslove said:


> He says that while he is dressed as a female then he should be allowed to talk to other ppl (he says he's a lesbiean when he's dressed up). He talks to females both as himself and "Paige" I know he's been physical with 1 female


In other words, he's a cheater.



Memeslove said:


> I know I should leave and let him find himself but what seems to always happen is I leave or he does and a couple of months go by and he isn't able to find someone that he has pictured in his head he pope back into my life


So, basically, you're Plan B. He wants to find his Plan A, but since there are few women who would tolerate his bullpoop he comes crawling back to you.



Memeslove said:


> Or when he cries that no one will ever love him or that he is some freak


 Not a whole lot of women out there who would tolerate a manipulative crossdressing cheater.

That man you loved? Yeah, he's dead if he ever existed at all. It's past time to send this "man" on his way permanently. File, go no contact even if you have to move and change your number.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Memeslove said:


> I don't know how to get him to listen to me n how I feel.


Stop trying. "listening" won't do anything. The basic fact is, he doesn't give a carpenter's damn how you feel. Only how HE feels.



MJJEAN said:


> So, basically, you're Plan B. He wants to find his Plan A, but since there are few women who would tolerate his bullpoop he comes crawling back to you.


Correct. Don't waste your time or your breath for one more minute. Go get a MAN who wants to be a MAN and who likes being a MAN. Waste this turkey.



Memeslove said:


> he cries that no one will ever love him or that he is some freak


Probably not. The plain fact is, he is not a "freak". His use of the word "freak" is a self-justification for his CHOSEN behavior, which is borne of selfishness and sin, and is a euphemism for



MJJEAN said:


> a manipulative crossdressing cheater.


Now, THAT is what he is. A self-pitying excuse for a man who has no moral uprightness.

And, it is not true that no one loves him. You do, his mother did. However, he is correct that no one else will.



Memeslove said:


> I just don't know how to make everyone happy.


That is with very good reason, because it is impossible to make someone else happy. Happiness is only the choice of the person him/herself, and has its primary root in gratefulness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did he tell you before or after you got married? If it was after you married then he married you under false pretences. 
He clearly hid something from you that he should have told you early on, and has gradually let you in on how he wants to live. He has also cheated at least once. 

I think you know that he isn't going to curb what he does, so you have to choose whether to live this way for good, or end the marriage and find another man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He is who he is and you’ll have to either accept him (few women would) or you’ll move on. His crying and whining and whatever isn’t your concern.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Memeslove said:


> So my husband of 7 years together 11 is a crossdresser. When he first brought him dressing as a woman it was to role play I bought him outfits panties makeup thigh highs whole nine yards. It started out once every couple of months and over time it has become more n more there have been times when he was unemployed that he stayed dressed for days. He kept pushing limits on who knew going out in public. Yes there have been many fights and we both have left to try n figure out what it is we each want. He has mentioned living half the time as a man and half as a woman. I have expressed that is just not the type of relationship I want. So he has said and made promises but he dresses up no less than 2-3 times a week. I have tried to express my feelings and thoughts but he somehow turns things that I'm not willing to try harder. He says that while he is dressed as a female then he should be allowed to talk to other ppl (he says he's a lesbiean when he's dressed up). He talks to females both as himself and "Paige" I know he's been physical with 1 female but always seems to have "a connection" with females that he's says he's never felt with anyone else than them. I know I should leave and let him find himself but what seems to always happen is I leave or he does and a couple of months go by and he isn't able to find someone that he has pictured in his head he pope back into my life and I want so badly to be with the man I fell in love with (the only man I have actually be in love with) and I belive the promises and lies and within a few months we are back where he is dressing up more and more and I keep agreeing to more and more because I want to make him happy. I know I should leave and all that but I don't know how to get him to listen to me n how I feel. When he 1st told me he was a crossdresser I did so much research about crossdressers and have explained what I have read and learned and he tells me that we are different than the ppl I've read about and he is capable of limiting his times and I want so badly to belive him I stay. Or when he cries that no one will ever love him or that he is some freak I want nothing more than to show him he is loved and not a freak I just don't know how to make everyone happy.


I knew a crossdresser rather well. He was not a happy person. You can be wearing a woman's clothes without necessarily being the classic crossdresser. There is a difference between what we used to call drag queens who dressed up for entertainment occasionally but were gay and crossdressers, who are very often attracted to women.

The more specialized your sexuality is, the more impossible it is to find a partner. He feel sexy when he's crossdressing. He probably feels like that is when he is really in his own skin. The problem is there are very few women out there who would be attracted to him while he's crossdressing, just as you were having problems with it. Because the women who would be attracted to that are even rarer than the men who feel sexy and most like themselves crossdressing.

So I know my friend did not have any luck even though he would fly to a town on the East Coast where that sort of thing is more common. They are looking for a very rare woman who would be looking for them. I'm 69 years old and ran with a pretty gender bender crowd when young, and though I myself am very tolerant of all that and some of my friends were too, no one I know who was a female had that particular kink where she was looking for a cross-dressing man in particular. I even like certain guys who really dress up and even wear some makeup but it's not the same thing as wanting someone who's genuinely trying to look like a woman, and especially act like a woman.

So he's just going to be pretty frustrated going forward. Lesbians are going to generally be attracted to real women with real women parts. Heterosexual women are generally going to be attracted to men. Unless he is bi, which would at least broaden the field a little, he is not likely going to find that unicorn.

I don't have a concept about your relationship and how deep the friendship runs. I don't know how turned off you are by the whole thing sexually. I know from your post that you are finding it embarrassing as he comes out more and more. It certainly can have repercussions on his career, and of course people may judge you for it as well, because society just isn't all comfortable with things they don't understand. So you have legitimate concerns.

I have empathy for guys like him. I think everyone should explore their gender and sexuality. I don't think they should expect to have a spouse sitting patiently by while they do that. And of course the whole thing can be very confusing to children.

I think the bottom line here is what it is in every relationship. If he wants to be single, he can't be married. That's his gamble to take because it's unlikely he's going to have great success dating. Likely it will be a series of dating looking like a straight guy and then springing cross-dressing on the new woman and her running off. Because that's going to be his best chance of getting sex once you're not married to him and willing. Again, unless he has a bi element.


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