# I get physical with my wife



## badhusband (Oct 26, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now but have known each other for 12 years. We both know each others buttons very well and that is a huge downside to us because we exercise the knowledge anytime we get into a fight. 

This past weekend went on a trip to NYC and the trip was going just fine the first night and even second day. We went out to dinner and then a lounge afterward and had a significant amount of alcohol. We got back to the room and my wife was looking at her phone and reading a text message from her dad she got earlier in the evening. She immediately felt very sad because her dad was grieving the loss of 3 people. At 2 am she said lets get on the road and go back. I told her that was not a logical thing to do because we had so much to drink and then she started getting upset. She made comments like you would be nothing today if it wasn't for my father, he made you who you are, etc. For whatever reason that presses my buttons because those comments are not true. We are in fact equal business partners. Nonetheless, I started to get physical with her and started telling her that I am self made. I then ripped a diamond bracelet off of her wrist saying I bought that, she grabbed her purse - I said the same - I bought it and this carried on with everything she had with her. When she tried to leave I pulled her back trying to pull her on the bed but she fell on the floor and it hurt her back. She left saying she was calling the police and she really did call them. I was arrested for assault, harassment, and unlawful imprisonment. 

When certain buttons are pressed like what she did I turned into a different person. I didn't even know who I was and quite frankly don't remember most of it when i started to get physical. That scares me and I am getting counseling now for it. This was not the first time I have gotten physical with her and I hate myself for it. I am trying everything I can to change because I really screwed up. She is a very sweet person and I just want to be able to listen to whatever she says and then tell her it is hurting and try to talk her away from saying those things to me. I realize my flaws and I am working on them.

Now she has left the house and is staying at a hotel - she will not tell me where she is staying and it is really killing me inside because I don't want to lose her. I think I reacted too late with therapy and counseling and didn't address the issue when it happened the first time. 

What can I do to let her know that I will do everything right if she just comes back home?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I doubt anything you SAY will be able to bring her back, as I am sure she has heard all of it from you before. Obviously nothing changed from the last time you were physical with her, so talking her back in isn't really an option. 

Thankfully you are in counseling, and you need to be deeply routed into it to figure out how to control yourself. You need anger management courses as well. No matter what she says, you should be able to control yourself enough to keep your hands off of her. I know people can push buttons, but that is no excuse to be physically abusive. 

I think you should pursue your counseling and anger management classes, and then move forward and see if you can save this. She won't believe change by you saying it, she has to see it!


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## Buzz (Sep 30, 2010)

I agree with DawnD. In addition to counseling and anger management you may want to try cognitive behavioral therapy. If you pursue trying to contact her in person to aggressively she may get a restraining order. Tread lightly


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Leave her alone. You need to work on yourself - stay in therapy, go to anger management and stay away from the alcohol (I'm thinking it didn't help your judgment that evening).

In six months or a year (yes, it takes that long) you may have made the progress that you need to and then you can see if she's still available.

You can also consider the possibility that, given your issues, she's better off moving on. Sure, it's not what YOU want, but if you do love her, you'll consider what may be best for her and you would definitely respect what she wants. It's probably the first step you can take toward showing her that you are changing ... respect her wishes that you give her space right now.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

Your actions have most likely not only scared her but also caused her to lose trust in you. Right now the best thing you can do is keep up the counselling and anger management. Work on you and what you need to do to get better.
Respect your wifes space, let her know they you know what you did was wrong and that you will do everything you can to change and follow through with that.( Put it in a letter if you cant talk face to face.)
From that point it is her choice wether she comes home or not. Be proud that you have accepted you have a problem and are getting help.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

badhusband said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now but have known each other for 12 years. We both know each others buttons very well and that is a huge downside to us because we exercise the knowledge anytime we get into a fight.
> 
> This past weekend went on a trip to NYC and the trip was going just fine the first night and even second day. We went out to dinner and then a lounge afterward and had a significant amount of alcohol. We got back to the room and my wife was looking at her phone and reading a text message from her dad she got earlier in the evening. She immediately felt very sad because her dad was grieving the loss of 3 people. At 2 am she said lets get on the road and go back. I told her that was not a logical thing to do because we had so much to drink and then she started getting upset. She made comments like you would be nothing today if it wasn't for my father, he made you who you are, etc. For whatever reason that presses my buttons because those comments are not true. We are in fact equal business partners. Nonetheless, I started to get physical with her and started telling her that I am self made. I then ripped a diamond bracelet off of her wrist saying I bought that, she grabbed her purse - I said the same - I bought it and this carried on with everything she had with her. When she tried to leave I pulled her back trying to pull her on the bed but she fell on the floor and it hurt her back. She left saying she was calling the police and she really did call them. I was arrested for assault, harassment, and unlawful imprisonment.
> 
> ...


You need personal boundaries. Solid, non negotiable personal boundaries. Here’s one for you …

“I will never, under any circumstances and no matter how many times my wife pushes my buttons ever get physical with my wife”. Worked for me in near 40 years of marriage.

You are letting your wife control you by controlling your emotions. In essence your wife has the remote control of your emotions in your hands, that’s what pushing hot buttons is all about. You take that control away from her with your personal boundaries. These are your N.U.T.s. For more about N.U.T.s. see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

You both have unhealthy behaviour. The only behaviour you can correct is your own.

Bob


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