# Could I be dealing with PTSD? Sorry...long.



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Thanks in advance...this turned out longer than I expected it to. 

No, I'm not looking for an "internet diagnosis" here, but I figured someone who frequents this board might know something about this.

Long story short, my husband has been depressed for years, probably 5-6 years although a diagnosis wasn't made until about 4 years ago. The reason it took so long is partially because of my (then) ignorance about depression. My husband wasn't exhibiting classic depression symptoms which I understood to be sadness. He alternated between sadness (the depression was due to a terrible event in our family) and what I can only describe as rages. These rages came out of nowhere and were usually over the most minor things. They could last a day or a week and were scary enough for me that I took to keeping a packed bag of overnight stuff in my car in order to know that I could leave if I needed to (and many times I did). For a period of several years, these rages occurred from 3 weeks to 6 weeks apart and have gradually spaced out as he seems to be finally getting better. A regular discussion that my husband and I keep having is that he believes I'm not celebrating the baby steps he is making and enjoying that things are better (although still far from back to the pre-depression days). He is partially right.

I find myself seeing the warning signs that for years were a precurser to a rage, and my anxiety rises a lot. My husband has started telling me that he thinks something is wrong with me because of my reactions to what he thinks are benign things that I shouldn't be worried about. But I am. At the time of seeing those signs (things like knowing he's mad or irritated about something unrelated to me, a look on his face or even just a change in his tone of voice). I have been feeling that after so many years of these rages that it's perfectly normal to have the anxiety level I do, and I just figured that as time goes on without the rages repeating themselves, my anxiety will naturally decrease.

This past week was rough. Over what should have been a minor issue that should have been easily resolved in the first discussion, once again things were magnified and we had 3 days of "discussions" over the issue and as they used to do, became this vortex of circular arguing that doesn't go anywhere. By day 3, my anxiety level was very high and I guess I lost it. I yelled and to emphasize a point I was trying to make, I pounded my fist twice on the table. My husband left the house and essentially told me that he thought I was violent and needed to get professional help. At the time, I dismissed it as a way to get back at me because I DID call the police once and he was taken to the hospital to be evaluated by mental health during a rage. And somewhat ironic considering I've had to deal with a cup of coffee thrown at me as well as him throwing a remote control across the room so hard it broke the blind covering a patio door. 

So I've been thinking...maybe there IS something wrong with me now. I've done some reading today and some parts of it makes sense, but some don't. I don't have flashbacks, but when I see those signs in him that used to be precursers to a rage, I am consumed with worry about what's going to happen this time and nothing alleviates it until I see that he seems to be back to himself again. 

My husband acknowledges that his prior behavior has likely caused me to have some residual affects. Part of his depression experience was that he basically shut down from everything but his job because it was all he could cope with. I have had to take over pretty much everything as far as parenting and running the household while at the same time dealing with my husband's problems and the fallout from that. Not to mention the whole problem that caused him to get depressed in the first place because he just couldn't deal with it. Which I understand, but I also know that I struggle with resentments over that and have actually sought counseling over it (and worked through it for the most part). He is, as I said, making baby steps in starting to get involved in the household and he is upset that I'm not more excited about the changes he's making. But from my perspective he's moved from carrying maybe 5% of the load to 10-15%. I find it difficult to be excited about that, and I suspect that's just resentment. He wants me to be hopeful about the future and how things are progressing, but I find I just can't be. I have ridden that hopeful train so many times and been disappointed every time that I just think I don't have it in me yet. So now I'm wondering if maybe all of this has left me with something more than just normal anxiousness. Thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a high probability that you are now also suffering from depression... and maybe PTSD. Very often when one spouse goes though something like what your husband has.. the other is drug into the depression as well. I would suggest that you see a doctor about it. You might need some medication to help you get over the hump with this.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Thanks, Elegirl for your reply. I am pretty confident I'm not depressed as I have been watching closely for signs of that all along. I have joy in parts of my life and none of the other signs of depression as I've learned they can exhibit. I can see now though that I am becoming triggered by things that shouldn't trigger me like that. Something to check into for sure.


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