# Should I stay or should I go?



## Karl (Jan 14, 2012)

I found out my wife of 16 years was having an affair with someone she was doing some website work for last year. I will spare the details here, but after the discovery I asked that if we were to try to work things out, she would have to abandon all contact with this other man, as well as the part time work she was doing for his business. She agreed but has taken quite a long time to seperate herself from the sidework, which I think she still does secretly. He still manages to be in contact with her through her day job as he is a regular patron. This drives me absolutely crazy; she says she wants to work it out but doesn't end the contact with him. I am pretty sure the physical affair is over, I still think there is an emotional attachment though. Am I a fool here? As the lyrics to the Clash song go..."should I stay or go?" Insight please!!!


----------



## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

At some point you have to draw the line...If she keeps doing that she would just be disrespecting you and that's not fair to you, contrary what some people think it takes courage to walk away from a person you once loved and if she is not willing to do what she has to in order to save what you guys sdhare then she is not worth it. Life is too short for people like that.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Separate finances. Then she may be a little busier paying her bills. Make her quit working there. Never leave your home. That's abandonment. Make her leave. Just tell her, " I tried, but your betrayal was a deal breaker. Hit the bricks".


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is not f*cking negotiable.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should stay, but obviously she has decided to go. Hold the door open for her, and then lock it behind her.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Shaggy is correct.

You told her NO Contact. She said she would but did not.

Unless she has a learning diability you did not tell us about I believe she understands the definition of "NO".

Save yourself the anguish and get on with your life.

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so acceptable as you have been? Have you both been tested for STD's? Sorry Karl but she still is in contact with him should be a deal breaker for you.

If he has a wife or girlfriend then you need to expose this to them. She continues to disrespect you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I have a hunch she thought even if she was caught you would still forgive her. Apparently she was right since there seems to be hardly any consequences to her actions and she still is in contact with him. She is playing you for a fool.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Karl said:


> He still manages to be in contact with her through her day job as he is a regular patron. This drives me absolutely crazy; she says she wants to work it out but doesn't end the contact with him.


 If she does not end all contact right now with the OM, you need to end the marraige right now. He f*cked her for gosh sake, why is this even a question? Tell her that any attempt by her to even discuss this further shows no remorse and will lead to a divorce.



Karl said:


> I am pretty sure the physical affair is over, I still think there is an emotional attachment though.


 If your are only "pretty sure the physical affair is over" she is not doing enough to earn a second chance. The fact that you "still think there is an emotional attachment" only confirms this even more. She is taking your forgiveness for granted and does not respect you enough to even make the effort.


----------



## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Why are you waiting for her to do the right thing? She has already shown you she is very capable of doing the wrong thing and lying to you about it. Unless you want to be her plan B/cuckold, tell her end it or get the hell out.

It really is that simple when you strip away the bull****.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Once your cheating spouse falls in love with her partner, there's no saving her after that, fog or no fog she's just not the same person anymore.

I don't know how long this affair has been going on but if it hasn't been that long, you shouldn't have to tell her to stop, she should do that immediatley. You definitely need to show her that you're extremely hurt by this and stop rug sweeping her betrayal.

In your situation I'd definitely go, for a little while at least seeing as your heart is set on reconciliation and so you can show her how much she hurt you.


----------



## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

She has defied your demand that she stop doing work for and having contact with the OM. He is still f*cking her.

Kick her azz out!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Karl said:


> I found out my wife of 16 years was having an affair with someone she was doing some website work for last year. I will spare the details here, but after the discovery I asked that if we were to try to work things out, she would have to abandon all contact with this other man, as well as the part time work she was doing for his business. She agreed but has taken quite a long time to seperate herself from the sidework, which I think she still does secretly. He still manages to be in contact with her through her day job as he is a regular patron. This drives me absolutely crazy; she says she wants to work it out but doesn't end the contact with him. I am pretty sure the physical affair is over, I still think there is an emotional attachment though. Am I a fool here? As the lyrics to the Clash song go..."should I stay or go?" Insight please!!!


So what? Its Time for you to go, Why you want to stay in a a mrriage where trust and respect doesn't exist.


----------



## Karl (Jan 14, 2012)

Thanks for all the responses...I think I know what I've needed to do for some time...It's nice to hear the opinions of others, no matter how painful they may be. Why do I feel so hesitant? The kids, the finances, the house! Oh my! Where do I start and how do I disentangle these things??????


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

dadsdivorce dot com is a good place. Plus of course the other subforums here at TAM.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No matter how entangled seems to be , never let her on that you can't untangle them. Her belief must be one of fear...fearr that you are confident to move on with out her and she will lose you.

Until she wants to remove her self from *any* contact even if OM is a patron she is not getting it. So Please show the strength and confidence that gives her the perception that you can move on with out her, but it is her choice to do what you need.

You can not control her so don't try..yes inform her that her continued activities are not helping you heal but you can also heal with out her.

I strongely suggest you keep a close eye on her and do the invetigations that will confirm her continued contact with OM and take this info with you as you approach her and the fact that you can move on with out her if she continues down this path.

The reason I suggest this research is it will help you validate her commitment to you....is her job, and its "patrons" more important then your healing?

If any intanglement is to be addressed it should be her and the fact that her employeement needs to be adjusted. It's her job to untagle things and if she does'nt then move on.

But the point is showing this strength, a new man , a confident man that will not tolorate the slightest contact with OM. It is no longer about her, it should be all about you and what she needs to doe to stay with you. It is time to think only about you and what she does is up to her and her being able to stay with you...not you wanting to stay with her.

A perceptions that will make her believe that she will lose you if she tries to comprimise this crap. if there is any time in your life to have a big ego and confidence is now.....a time when ego and confidence is at its weakest, it time to buckle down and show her you can move on with out her, no matter how much the reality is entangled, she need to see your in control of what you can do if pushed to it.

She must have the perception that you will move on with out her if she chooses unwisely!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

For me, an affair is a big deal breaker. My ex cheated, I left the day I had solid proof. I'd do it again if need be. My husband now is very faithful and we have a very strong marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get Tested for STD's.
2. Expose to OM's wife or girlfriend
3. See an attorney
4. See your accountant.


----------



## mai (Jan 16, 2012)

Emotional cheating is also akin to infidelity. Even though there may not be any physical relationship between your wife and the ex bf, the mere fact that she is in touch with him means that she does not intend to end the affair.

Since she has not come out in the open the second time and accepted that she is actually seeing him it is upto you to collect proof of her continuing with the affair.


----------

