# I need a man's opinion



## kconfused (Nov 2, 2012)

I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern.

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child). 

So now my concern. When we first lived together of course we had our freedom to go out when we wanted and all that fun stuff. The sex was great and we would have sex anywhere between 2 to 3 times a day, 3 to 4 times a week. Once I got pregnant, of course that changed and we still have sex about 2 to 3 times a week, granted one week off a month. Lately, for the past 4 months, I've felt like there is a change in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago my wifi wasn't working right and I needed to download a file for one of my classes (I'm taking online classes through a community college) so I got onto my husband's computer to see if the file would download. Once it did I went into his "downloads" folder and noticed there were about 8-10 porn videos, the names ranging from virgin 18 year olds, gangbangs, and a couple of cougar type videos. It kind of bugs me and I've expressed my concern before how I felt about him watching porn and how it makes me feel insecure because I do not look like those women in the videos. Also, there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster." What the heck does that even mean? Does it mean that he'd rather look at those beautiful women than to look at me?

I know I'm not pretty and I'm not skinny like porn stars, but I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore. There are times when I tell him how I feel and he tells me things like, "You are beautiful to me. I like the way your body looks. I'm not ever going to leave you for someone else and I do love you." I feel like he just tells me those things because he's invested so much time into our relationship/marriage and we have a child together that it's just too difficult to start over with someone else so he's just settling for me. I have major insecurity issues with myself, hardly any that I let him know about, from past relationships of my boyfriends telling me I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat, even when I lost a lot of weight and was a size 8 in high school.

I just feel like our relationship is just two people who are together because we have a child together and that he doesn't find me attractive since he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again. And I also feels he just tells me those things that he finds me attractive just to shut me up.

I just need a man's honest opinion on what's going on here and what I can do so my husband will want me more over than masturbating.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better.

If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other.

Men masturbate for reasons that often have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Women would be so, so, so much better off if they let this sink in. 

Your poor self image is your problem. It existed before you even met this man. Him not watching porn and masturbating isn't going to magically make you a secure, confident woman. That's soul, mind, and body work that you need to do for your own sake, regardless of your romantic entanglements.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm not a man but sweetie, that is really a bad place that you're in. You and your H are slipping down a slope into an incrediby scary sex starved marriage. You're both going to need to learn how to really turn toward each other and get your sex life back on track if you want to change the direction you are going.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

kconfused said:


> there are times when he will openly tell me he is going to masturbate and when I offer myself to him 98% of the time he refuses and says something like, "I don't want to have sex. I'm not in the mood and I'd rather masturbate just so I can cum faster."


This is disturbing. The fact he watches porn and masturbates isn't so much, except for this. When he's doing it rather than having sex with you and you aren't satisfied with your sex life, it's a problem.

Your self image is something you can work on. Your husbands problems you can't - only he can. You can express your displeasure, but only he can do anything about it. So work on yourself, and let your husband know your limits, and what's going to happen if he exceeds that limit.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

He's not choosing masturbation over her.

Read what she actually wrote. She said that he was open about when he was going to masturbate, and then she decided to offer herself as an alternative. And all he did was chose to continue what he already stated he was going to do.

He did nothing wrong. He wants to, in that moment, mastubrate. Why is she offering him sex? If he wanted sex, since apparently they have it frequently, than he would ask for sex.

Sometimes when you want to jerk off, you want to jerk off. It doesn't mean that jerking off is a secondary activity you do only because sex is unavailable. With some men, that's the wrong way to look at it.

Stop trying to compete with your husband's penis.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She also says this



kconfused said:


> he chooses to masturbate at least twice a day rather than have sex with me, which I am willing and offer to do most of the work. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't know what to do to bring that "want" between us again.


You don't think that's a problem jaquen???


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> She also says this
> 
> 
> 
> You don't think that's a problem jaquen???


Not when she stated that they have sex 2-3 times a week, since the pregnancy, and never once suggested that was too infrequent for her.

The way the story reads, from my view anyway, is that she was perfectly fine with their pretty frequent sex, found out he looks at porn and masturbates, and let that send her on a tail spin of insecurity and paranoia. 

What does it matter how many times he masturbates if, prior to finding out about the porn, she was fine with their 2-3 times a week?

What's fascinating is that she knows her husband is very HD. She said they were having sex 2-3 times A DAY before the baby. Is it then shocking if, after the child, they have it less, but he still has that HD need to release a few times a day?

Why would she then be shocked that her known HD husband is having sex with her and masturbating a lot?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I can see how you'd get that out of it. What I got out of it was that she wants to have sex more and he whacks off instead.

I guess we need clarification from the OP here.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I can see how you'd get that out of it. What I got out of it was that she wants to have sex more and he whacks off instead.
> 
> I guess we need clarification from the OP here.


Absolutely. If she's unsatisfied with the 2-3 times a week, but he's denying her that while satisfying himself, that is definitely a problem. I agree wholeheartedly.

I guess I just didn't get that from the order of things in the OP. She's coming off to me like she's offering more sex to him now simply because she's threatened/afraid of his masturbation and porn habit.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Even if that is the case, I am not convinced that masturbating 2-3 times a day when you have a willing wife isn't a problem. 2-3 times a week, sure, but 2-3 times a DAY? Isn't that a tad bit excessive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> The sooner women understand that they're not in competition with porn and masturnation (under most circumstances), the better.
> 
> If a man wants to jack off, he wants to jack off. Masturnation is something the vast majority of guys have been doing since long before they got laid. For a lot of us having a tug, with or without porn, is no different than you enjoying a trip to the manicurist, a romance novel, or your own private time with the rabbit, magic wand, or other clitastic machine. On a personal note I've had sex three times this week already, and still found time to enjoy some self indulgence; one has nothing to do with the other.
> 
> ...


I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off.

If she was getting the sex she wanted, then he masterbated beyond that it would be a completely different issue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Even if that is the case, I am not convinced that masturbating 2-3 times a day when you have a willing wife isn't a problem. 2-3 times a week, sure, but 2-3 times a DAY? Isn't that a tad bit excessive?


Excessive depends on the man. There is no universal definition for "excessive". If a man can masturbate, and still fulfill his wife's sexual needs and desires, that's what matters.

Me? There have been times when I masturbated up to four or five times in a single day, and still made love to my wife. My best friends think that's insane, and they could never do that. What would be excessive for them, is not for me.

And there are plenty of times when I go totally without for weeks on end. 

I am of the belief that a man's masturbation time is none of his wife's business. My wife wouldn't even dare try and curb my masturbation time. It's only her business if it's interfering in our sex life.



EleGirl said:


> I think that you missed her major point... she tells him that SHE wants to have sex with him and he say so no, he's rather jerk off.


Nope, didn't miss that.

She never mentioned that she wanted more sex prior to finding out about her husband's porn. Never said that the 2-3 times a week they have sex was unsatisfactory for her.

What she did mention was that she started to offer more sex AFTER she found out about the porn and masturbation. That, to me, isn't a genuine desire for more sex; that's a manipulative bid to get him to stop masturbating by offering up your body out of desperation, from a threatened place. I wouldn't take my wife up on that at all.

That's what I got. Hopefully the OP comes back to clarify.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here.



kconfused said:


> I apologize in advance for the long post, considering this is my first time posting, but I really need a man's opinion on my concern.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been together for 10 years, since he was 17 and I was 18. We met online and talked for over a year before we met in person. When we first met there was an instant connection and for 3 years we made our relationship work by seeing each other twice a year until we decided to move in together. We have lived together now for 6 years and we have a 4 1/2 year old together (our only child).
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She clearly states that he turns her down 98% of the time and says he's rather masterbate. That is the issue here.


Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general.

She said that he turns her down 98% of the time *during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbat*e.

That's like:

*Me:* Hey babe, I'm gonna watch the football game.
*Wife:* Really? Don't you want to watch Once Upon a Time With me?
*Me:* Nope. I planned to watch the game, and I'm gonna watch the game.

And then my wife running on here and crying "98% of the time I ask him to watch TV he turns me down! He never wants to watch TV with me!".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Nope. She didn't say 98% of the time he turns her down for sex in general.
> 
> She said that he turns her down 98% of the time *during those times when he announces first that he intents to masturbat*e.
> 
> ...


Yea we need her to clarify.

She did say that things have changed in the last 4 months. It would also be good to know what has changed. 

I think that most women would feel very hurt if they offered sex in stead of masterbation and their husband refused. I also think that most men would feel the same were it the other way around.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yea we need her to clarify.
> 
> She did say that things have changed in the last 4 months. It would also be good to know what has changed.
> 
> I think that most women would feel very hurt if they offered sex in stead of masterbation and their husband refused. I also think that most men would feel the same were it the other way around.


On the flipside, however, I would be pissed off if my wife suddenly started offering me more sex out of jealousy over my own penis, and some porn.

I want her to crave me because she actually wants to be with me. Don't offer me more sex because you're insecure and afraid. I'll pick the masturbation every time.


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## kconfused (Nov 2, 2012)

I didn't think I'd get this many responses and I do see that there needs some clarification, so I'll clarify a few more things.

First, I have tried talking to my husband that I would like to have more sex, prior to finding the porn. He agreed with me, but nothing has changed.

Half of the time when he says he's going to masturbate, I will try to seduce him by kissing on him and touching him, but he stops me and tells me he's not in the mood or too tired, but turns around a half hour or so to say he's going to masturbate and when I suggest having sex rather than him masturbating (since I was trying to seduce him) he still...rejects me.

Also, I knew he masturbated, I'm not that clueless, but he never announced it to me until a couple of weeks ago. I never knew when he did it or all the porn on his computer until I found it and I tried talking to him about it, like how that makes me feel that he has that much porn and would rather masturbate than have sex with me, he pretty much brushed it off. There really wasn't a conversation, and since then he's been openly announcing it to me. I mean if he wants to masturbate, I'm ok with it in general, but I don't like hearing "I'm going to jack off" especially AFTER I tried initiating sex with him.

Hopefully that clarified a few more things that I should've mentioned in my initial post.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks for the clarification!

Yes, if you want more sex than your regular 2-3 times a week, and he's making excuses about not upping that, all the while masturbating regularly, that's a problem. 

It sounds like he's enjoying the porn/masturbation so much, and it is encroaching on your sex life. 

Have you asked him, calmly, and without judgement, why he chooses to masturbate and watch porn so much now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kconfused said:


> ....
> Half of the time when he says he's going to masturbate, I will try to seduce him by kissing on him and touching him, but he stops me and tells me he's not in the mood or too tired, *but turns around a half hour or so to say he's going to masturbate *and when I suggest having sex rather than him masturbating (since I was trying to seduce him) he still...rejects me.
> 
> ....


I just find this bazar.. He actually announces to you when he’s going to masturbate? When did he start doing this… the announcing?

Sounds to me like he’s trying to trying to hurt you by doing this.


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## kconfused (Nov 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Thanks for the clarification!
> 
> Yes, if you want more sex than your regular 2-3 times a week, and he's making excuses about not upping that, all the while masturbating regularly, that's a problem.
> 
> ...


I have asked him and his response was, "Sometimes I'm just too tired to **** you and I'd rather just jack off and cum." And I understand that he gets tired, I mean I get tired where I don't want sex, but when he said that, it felt like a stab in the heart. 

There is something else too that I just remembered. A couple of months ago we were kissing and he pushed me against the wall and he tried putting my leg straight up like to get it behind my head (while standing) and that wasn't going to work for 2 reasons. 1) I'm only 5 foot with short legs and long torso, and 2) like I stated, I'm not skinny, not obese, a little more than chubby, but anyhow when I told him that it wasn't going to work for him to have sex with me like that and that he was hurting me he got frustrated and said, "Ugh! Just forget it. Just get on the bed."

So yeah I'm really whirl-winded with confusion and major insecurity especially after all these years being together he never acted like this and now all of a sudden he's different.


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## kconfused (Nov 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I just find this bazar.. He actually announces to you when he’s going to masturbate? When did he start doing this… the announcing?
> 
> Sounds to me like he’s trying to trying to hurt you by doing this.


He actually tells me he's going to masturbate and he started doing this after I mentioned to him about the porn I found on his computer. When I talked to him I was calm about it, I didn't go psycho on him. I told him how it made me feel and tried to have a conversation with him about my feelings, but it didn't do any good.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kconfused said:


> I have asked him and his response was, "Sometimes I'm just too tired to **** you and I'd rather just jack off and cum." And I understand that he gets tired, I mean I get tired where I don't want sex, but when he said that, it felt like a stab in the heart.


That's a near universal reality. Almost all men will continue to masturbate, with varying frequency, no matter how much sex they get.

Women really, really would help themselves by not taking this stuff personally. A quick jack off is totally different than sex with you. It's apples and oranges. 

It's only a problem if it starts to interfere with your sexual satisfaction (which it sounds like it is).



kconfused said:


> There is something else too that I just remembered. A couple of months ago we were kissing and he pushed me against the wall and he tried putting my leg straight up like to get it behind my head (while standing) and that wasn't going to work for 2 reasons. 1) I'm only 5 foot with short legs and long torso, and 2) like I stated, I'm not skinny, not obese, a little more than chubby, but anyhow when I told him that it wasn't going to work for him to have sex with me like that and that he was hurting me he got frustrated and said, "Ugh! Just forget it. Just get on the bed."
> 
> So yeah I'm really whirl-winded with confusion and major insecurity especially after all these years being together he never acted like this and now all of a sudden he's different.


In all likelihood, he's bored. Sex between long time lovers can get routine, and sometimes stale. There is the very strong possibility that he's turning to frequent masturbation with porn as a way to keep himself sexually excited. He's enjoying the spice, and variety, of his fantasy world. This is totally typical.

You need to sit down with him and try, again in a judgement free environment, to help him be honest with you about how he really feels about your sex life. Do NOT put the burden of your low self esteem on him, because a hurt woman, or an angry woman, asking a man to talk about this kind of topic will only shut him down. You need to be calm, open, and available if you have any shot at getting him to be honest. Don't make this about YOUR feelings. Provide him a platform to talk openly about HIS feelings. For this portion of the conversation just listen to him, and don't turn this into a "I feel like crap because of your porn" conversation. That'll get you nowhere in a hurry.

Just make sure you're prepared for his answer.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I can understand why you are hurt. He's living in a fantasy world and would rather go to some kinky thoughts in his head, rather than have sex with his wife. This probably has absolutely nothing to do with you and is his problem. He may lack the desire to be sexually creative or he may feel that what he wants to do is too perverse for you, so he is using porn as an outlet. He may have just taken you for granted and only saw sex with you as some physical release rather than a emotional connection. And now is simply wanting to try something else.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As a guy, I think he has a problem with porn. Guys are visual, and porn is fun to look at. But it is fantasy, which is why normally it isn't cheating or some kind of competitor for the wife to fight. Unfortunately it can also become addictive. The addict's behaviors are different than the casual viewer's behaviors.

One thing that can happen is that the man's mental processes around sex become desensitized. Or more accurately, it takes higher levels of visual stimulation to get the same sexual response (erection or climax) as before. So he needs to watch more extreme porn.

At 16 a Playboy centerfold picture may have been enough for most guys to get an instant erection and to easily reach orgasm through masturbation. But after watching a bunch of porn the Playboy centerfold is too tame to even be interesting for more than a quick glance.

I think this is what the problem is. He has become desensitized by the porn, so much so that regular sex with a real woman is not enough stimulation mentally.

I cannot imagine turning down sex with the wife to go whack off. Maybe a quickie would be better than a long drawn out session, but any kind of real sex would be far better than mb. This to me is why I think he has a significant problem, most likely from porn.

How about installing a porn filter on his computer on on the home network?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Hey OP I thought about something else!

When you were nursing your child, did you ever turn down your husband for sex? When kids are born a lot of times the wife goes into straight "MOMMY MODE" which is understandable. But a husband may feel he is competing for attention with the child. If he's ever initiated sex and you rejected him every now and then, it may have caused resentment and pain. Of course you didn't do it on purpose if this indeed was the case. But other things came first. He may have felt that he can no longer trust you to be willing to fulfill his sexual desires. He then could have replaced you with porn because porn can never reject him. He also may enjoy the fact that he doesn't have to depend on your for a sexual release and that may be why he is throwing it in your face about masturbating and porn. As if he is saying you no longer have any power over him. Also, because you have been replaced with porn he may only want to be sexual with you if he can physically imitate the things he's seen in porn movies. He is opening a door where his desires could become more and more perverse. If this is the case you have to find a way to remove the porn for a period of time and have him turn to you once again for intimacy. You have to be default and ONLY option. But i'm just speculating all this. Please give some feedback!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a lot going on here. I think that the both of you would benefit from seen a MC who is also a sex therapist.

He is definitely looking to hurt your feeling with him announcing that he's going to masturbate after you ask for sex. FalcolnKing has brought up something to ponder for sure.

Here are some things you can do. Read the book "Divorce Busting". It talks about the 180. Pay attention to that. 

In the meantime treat your husband according to the 180 in my signature block below. This is to protect your emotional wellbeing.

Keep in mind that the 180 really means to do things exactly the opposite from how you normally are. So you can start with the 180 in your signature block by as you read “Divorce Busting” you can customize it to fit yourself.

Start paying a lot of attention to yourself. Start working out, even if it’s a walk a day. Look up the “10 minute workout” if you have trouble fitting a work out into your day. Improve your eating habits. Get out and start doing things. 

The problem with porn and masturbation is that there is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is excessive/addictive. You will need help in figuring out where that line is. I think your husband has probably crossed the line to excessive/addictive. He has no consideration for you or your feelings. He’s even rubbing your nose in it now by announcing his masturbation secessions. Either he has to get on board with fixing your marriage and your sex life or your marriage will not last much longer.


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## kconfused (Nov 2, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Hey OP I thought about something else!
> 
> When you were nursing your child, did you ever turn down your husband for sex? When kids are born a lot of times the wife goes into straight "MOMMY MODE" which is understandable. But a husband may feel he is competing for attention with the child. If he's ever initiated sex and you rejected him every now and then, it may have caused resentment and pain. Of course you didn't do it on purpose if this indeed was the case. But other things came first. He may have felt that he can no longer trust you to be willing to fulfill his sexual desires. He then could have replaced you with porn because porn can never reject him. He also may enjoy the fact that he doesn't have to depend on your for a sexual release and that may be why he is throwing it in your face about masturbating and porn. As if he is saying you no longer have any power over him. Also, because you have been replaced with porn he may only want to be sexual with you if he can physically imitate the things he's seen in porn movies. He is opening a door where his desires could become more and more perverse. If this is the case you have to find a way to remove the porn for a period of time and have him turn to you once again for intimacy. You have to be default and ONLY option. But i'm just speculating all this. Please give some feedback!


When I had our son, my doctor said not to have sex for 8 weeks since he was born via c-section. After the 8 weeks and my check up and getting on birth control we started having sex. The only time I ever rejected my husband was when our son was 6 months old and he had the stomach flu so I was up with him most of the day and night for a week until he got better and slept longer than 15-20 minutes at a time. Any other time he wanted sex we would have sex and I would initiate sex half the time as well. 

I have tried fulfilling some of his sexual fantasies. We have oral sex and he likes it when I swallow and most of the time I do, but there are times when I feel like gagging and I let him know, but he doesn't seem upset about it when I don't. He wanted to try anal and I've tried it a few times, but even with taking our time and relaxing, it just hurts too much so I don't offer it anymore. Threesomes are not an option for me because I've had a couple of friends who have done that and their boyfriends have left them for the other girl and I honestly don't feel comfortable doing that and he knows that, but never has expressed any frustration towards the subject. 

I have also done various positions and places to keep the excitement alive and not get too boring. He has never complained about anything, even when I have calmly asked what he thinks about our sex life and if we should spice things up. His usual response is, "I think our sex life is fine." But now he's just acting different and the only time he ever got frustrated was when we tried having sex while standing up and he was hurting me.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Hmmm...he is taking you for granted then. He probably has no idea the damage he is doing to the relationship. I agree with Elegirl. You have to make him realize that it is not just about him and you are not going to tolerate this disrespect in the relationship. He probably feels like you would never leave him. That's why he can be so disrespectful to you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

A guy who beats off to porn when he's got a ready and willing woman under the same roof has some serious issues. I can see an AMC using it when he's being shut out for some reason or other, but not when the woman is begging for it. He needs a shrink.


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## rocks&water (Nov 3, 2012)

Try to fiqure out what excites him.......you cant change your entire body 100% but you can maximize what you have most men love some teasing, some sexy play or tempting out- fits. You can start by feeding him his favorite food then massaging him in his favorit way.....then see where his interest is.....you may have to eve d this a few times to figure out is "trigger". You must however work very hard at getting rid of insecurity and lack of confidence, they are unattractive by themselves. Be confident and be serving and you should not worry about orn and masturbation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, he has a problem with porn.

There's tons of help on the internet for this, for both you and for him if he wants it, which it doesn't sound like he does.

There's some links in my sig that could help you - porn addiction is a form of sex addiction. 

You are going to need to decide if you want to stay with him if he refuses to get help. I am sorry.


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