# I feel bad about my ex-wife.. Read on



## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

So, I know some will tell me that I was too nice and I shouldn't give a crap, but I do have concerns. A worker friend of mine told me he saw my ex-wife at work, I told him don't care anymore, but he continued on. She's really been keeping to herself and turned into a type of introvert. She stays to herself at work and rarely goes out. She lives by herself, no siblings, and I just worry she might do something bad to herself. I recall he stating several times she has had nothing to live for. Not sure if that was a test or her true self. I know it's not technically my business anymore, but I am who I am. I always try to help someone in need. I've been keeping my distance. However, ever since I try to move on, I catch myself thinking and I am greatly concerned. When we were married, I did state I was considering a 5150 psyc. hold, but backed down as she was initially seeing a therapist. Plus, it would actually cause her to possibly get fired. 

I will never forgive myself if I ever found out she hurt herself or worse. I feel bad enough for filing for divorce, but if I didn't, life would had gotten worse. We turned into roommates instead of lovers. The women held great resentment towards me and had made up things in her head that were clearly not true. I had to save my sanity, but I had always been worrying about hers. I actually planned on leaving almost two years ago as that's when things started to turn to the worse. However, I said to myself, things will get better, we will work on it and all will be good. 

Just very concerned. Her parents are in la la land as she puts on this tough woman exterior. In reality, she's more of someone who's lost in life with little direction.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Fact 1: Getting a divorce does not mean you have to be an uncaring a-hole. You can still help her. 

Fact 2: Helping her does not make you weak and it does not mean you have to get back with her. 

If you fear she is in trouble, help her. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

itsontherocks said:


> So, I know some will tell me that I was too nice and I shouldn't give a crap, but I do have concerns. A worker friend of mine told me he saw my ex-wife at work, I told him don't care anymore, but he continued on. She's really been keeping to herself and turned into a type of introvert. She stays to herself at work and rarely goes out. She lives by herself, no siblings, and I just worry she might do something bad to herself. I recall he stating several times she has had nothing to live for. Not sure if that was a test or her true self. I know it's not technically my business anymore, but I am who I am. I always try to help someone in need. I've been keeping my distance. However, ever since I try to move on, I catch myself thinking and I am greatly concerned. When we were married, I did state I was considering a 5150 psyc. hold, but backed down as she was initially seeing a therapist. Plus, it would actually cause her to possibly get fired.
> 
> I will never forgive myself if I ever found out she hurt herself or worse. I feel bad enough for filing for divorce, but if I didn't, life would had gotten worse. We turned into roommates instead of lovers. The women held great resentment towards me and had made up things in her head that were clearly not true. I had to save my sanity, but I had always been worrying about hers. I actually planned on leaving almost two years ago as that's when things started to turn to the worse. However, I said to myself, things will get better, we will work on it and all will be good.
> 
> Just very concerned. Her parents are in la la land as she puts on this tough woman exterior. In reality, she's more of someone who's lost in life with little direction.



You are a typical nice guy KISA. You need to work on that because she is NOT your problem anymore. Your need to "rescue people" is what probably attracted her to you in the first place. Broken people can sniff your type out a mile away and are all to eager to get you codependent on them. They need people who will tolerate their mental issues. Everyone is responsible for THEIR OWN lives. You have NOTHING to feel bad for if she can't function as a sane human being. If she ever hurt herself, it's 100% NOT your fault. Please try to accept that.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If you care about her and worry about her, then be her friend. Talk to her.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If you believe she could REALLY harm herself. Talk to her. If after that, you are still of that mind. Call the authorities


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How does this worker friend know that she keeps to herself outside of work? Many people keep to themselves at work. They are, you know, working. How would he know how she is on her own time?

I agree with others, if you are concerned - by all means check on her, no harm in it and gives you peace of mind. 

Better yet, if your worker friend is so concerned after feeing the need to data dump on you, he can check on her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have a good heart, OP. Nice to see that kind of caring in the world.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> Fact 1: Getting a divorce does not mean you have to be an uncaring a-hole. You can still help her.
> 
> Fact 2: Helping her does not make you weak and it does not mean you have to get back with her.
> 
> ...


I was told she wants nothing to do with me. Refused to respond to my last message. She's still pretty pissed about the divorce.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> You are a typical nice guy KISA. You need to work on that because she is NOT your problem anymore. Your need to "rescue people" is what probably attracted her to you in the first place. Broken people can sniff your type out a mile away and are all to eager to get you codependent on them. They need people who will tolerate their mental issues. Everyone is responsible for THEIR OWN lives. You have NOTHING to feel bad for if she can't function as a sane human being. If she ever hurt herself, it's 100% NOT your fault. Please try to accept that.


Before dating, she wasn't like this. After the first year of marriage, she did start to play the victim role a bit. It's just hard to turn my back on someone.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> If you care about her and worry about her, then be her friend. Talk to her.


Interestingly enough, when she was talking to her friends about us and wanting to leave, she was going to offer to be friends after the divorce. Since I filed and pushed for the divorce, she wants no part of me. That's the issue.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> If you believe she could REALLY harm herself. Talk to her. If after that, you are still of that mind. Call the authorities


Haven't commucated with her directly since mast Spring. Directly, have no idea.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How does this worker friend know that she keeps to herself outside of work? Many people keep to themselves at work. They are, you know, working. How would he know how she is on her own time?
> 
> Better yet, if your worker friend is so concerned after feeing the need to data dump on you, he can check on her.


Agreed. All I was told was that she's very down.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

jld said:


> You have a good heart, OP. Nice to see that kind of caring in the world.


Thank you for the kind reply. I would hope all would do the same.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

itsontherocks said:


> I was told she wants nothing to do with me. Refused to respond to my last message. She's still pretty pissed about the divorce.


You can only offer. If she refuses, you have a clear conscience. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

itsontherocks said:


> Thank you for the kind reply. I would hope all would do the same.


As much as I too would hope it . . . It clearly is not always the case.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Push her parents hard. Tell them mutual friends are very concerned. Tell them she will not talk to you, that it is up to them to help her. 
Tell them she has gone into a deep depression even before you divorced. Say look, maybe I was the cause, maybeni failed her but I want to help and I am worried. So call me the evil assyhole but step in fir your daughters sake. Then drop the subject. Don't try to change what you cannot, it will destroy you.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> You are a typical nice guy KISA. You need to work on that because she is NOT your problem anymore. Your need to "rescue people" is what probably attracted her to you in the first place. Broken people can sniff your type out a mile away and are all to eager to get you codependent on them. They need people who will tolerate their mental issues. Everyone is responsible for THEIR OWN lives. You have NOTHING to feel bad for if she can't function as a sane human being. If she ever hurt herself, it's 100% NOT your fault. Please try to accept that.


Wow. Your compassion is overwhelming. You sure sound bitter.

OP, did she meet the criteria for a 5150 at that time? If so, and if you believed she was going to harm herself, issues related to her job, etc come in way down the line in terms of priority.

If she is still angry at you about the divorce, there isn't much you can do. You can reach out to her and see if she wants to talk, but you are probably the last person she wants to talk to. She will likely be okay over time, but it wouldn't hurt to ask your friend to keep an eye out for her as well.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Push her parents hard. Tell them mutual friends are very concerned. Tell them she will not talk to you, that it is up to them to help her.
> Tell them she has gone into a deep depression even before you divorced. Say look, maybe I was the cause, maybeni failed her but I want to help and I am worried. So call me the evil assyhole but step in fir your daughters sake. Then drop the subject. Don't try to change what you cannot, it will destroy you.


I tried during separation. In one ear, out the other. Asked if all of us can sit down and discuss our issues. The mother and ex-wife said no. The dad said we don't do those types of things. ???


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Wow. Your compassion is overwhelming. You sure sound bitter.
> 
> OP, did she meet the criteria for a 5150 at that time? If so, and if you believed she was going to harm herself, issues related to her job, etc come in way down the line in terms of priority.
> 
> If she is still angry at you about the divorce, there isn't much you can do. You can reach out to her and see if she wants to talk, but you are probably the last person she wants to talk to. She will likely be okay over time, but it wouldn't hurt to ask your friend to keep an eye out for her as well.


Wishing she was dead and considering hurting herself. So, unfortunately, yes. Then again, my therapist told me she's just doing it for attention and to get a reaction. Only reason why I didn't make the call is she'd lose her job clearance as she'd no longer be considered mentally stable. Her career is her life. As to what she's told me in the past, that is all she has in life. Everything else f*cking sucks. She took some Valium and was better. I stayed awake all night to ensure she would be okay. She does have a few hats she wears. My atty told me I have to return some papers to her. I will send them to her with a note and offer to talk if she has anything to say. She can also be spiteful.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You are a good man. Don't let life experiences change that. Do what you feel is right.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

My ExW bought a house few weeks ago, and my daughter also lives there too... On the day she was moving in, she fell off the back of the truck, and broke her leg… everything moved in to the house, but nothing set up including my kids bed.. I offered to come over and help if she needed it, and I did, setup the bed rooms and electronics for them. Our differences is we have a child, and you don’t, (Hope I’m right about the kids)... I convinced myself it was for my kid, and ExW just got some extra benefits out of the deal…

I think you should try and contact her, just because you are divorced, does not mean you can’t have a somewhat of a friendship with each other, even it is just saying hi 

Walk in to where she works as a customer to brk the ice ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> You are a typical nice guy KISA. You need to work on that because she is NOT your problem anymore. Your need to "rescue people" is what probably attracted her to you in the first place. Broken people can sniff your type out a mile away and are all to eager to get you codependent on them. They need people who will tolerate their mental issues. Everyone is responsible for THEIR OWN lives. You have NOTHING to feel bad for if she can't function as a sane human being. If she ever hurt herself, it's 100% NOT your fault. Please try to accept that.


This is why I consider your advice wrong in this specific situation:-



> I will never forgive myself if I ever found out she hurt herself or worse.


He obviously still loves her, but felt that he could no longer still be married to her. Probably because he knew it would cost him his sanity.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Wow. Your compassion is overwhelming. You sure sound bitter.


That's a pretty ignorant statement. Wonder why you sympathize with his ex so much.......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

itsontherocks said:


> Wishing she was dead and considering hurting herself. So, unfortunately, yes. Then again, my therapist told me she's just doing it for attention and to get a reaction. Only reason why I didn't make the call is she'd lose her job clearance as she'd no longer be considered mentally stable. Her career is her life. As to what she's told me in the past, that is all she has in life. Everything else f*cking sucks. She took some Valium and was better. I stayed awake all night to ensure she would be okay. She does have a few hats she wears. My atty told me I have to return some papers to her. I will send them to her with a note and offer to talk if she has anything to say. She can also be spiteful.


With respect to your therapist, unless he/she has met with your wife, their opinion on why your wife is doing what she is doing is just speculation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's a pretty ignorant statement. Wonder why you sympathize with his ex so much.......


She didn't.

Please stop reading into comments things that are not there, because it risks derailing threads.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This is why I consider your advice wrong in this specific situation:-
> 
> He obviously still loves her, but felt that he could no longer still be married to her. Probably because he knew it would cost him his sanity.


Agreed man 100%.

So NOW he needs to take the steps to MOVE ON and DETACH. Go NO CONTACT.

Suggestions by posters to continue to coddle her will just damage HIS psyche further.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Agreed man 100%.
> 
> So NOW he needs to take the steps to MOVE ON and DETACH. Go NO CONTACT.
> 
> Suggestions by posters to continue to coddle her will just damage HIS psyche further.


The advice has not been to coddle her, the advice has been that he should be true to his own self.

That he should be authentic to him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The advice has not been to coddle her


Yeah it has been.... See below.



Hope Shimmers said:


> If she is still angry at you about the divorce, there isn't much you can do. *You can reach out to her and see if she wants to talk*, but you are probably the last person she wants to talk to. She will likely be okay over time, but *it wouldn't hurt to ask your friend to keep an eye out for her as well.*


Just no.... terrible for the OP.

You don't linger around an ex like a sad puppy unless you're some kind of masochist.

No contact, detach, do the 180, work on YOURSELF and do everything you can to MOVE ON.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm not really sure what the OP has to offer his ex. From what he says it doesn't sound like she wants anything to do with him. Also he has no idea what her current state of mind is. He's just going off the say so of a co-worker. Which doesn't really sound like reason enough for him to get involved, let alone some of the suggestions I've seen like calling the authorities (they wouldn't do anything anyway, not based off of that).

You can only help people who want to help themselves. You can't force it on them. Nor should you try to insert yourself in people's lives who didn't ask you to. 

While BetrayedDad was somewhat harsh I do agree with his sentiments. You should have told your friend you didn't want to hear anymore about your ex and if he didn't stop you should have ended the conversation. She's not your wife, she's not your friend, and she's not your concern.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Stop being a cake eater.

Nope, not going to entertain the million "but what if she loses her job."

Well, what if she commits suicide? 
What if she endangers others?
What if she hurts him?


If you are this worried, then you get her help and she possibly loses her job. You, nor I, nor anyone on this page can make a professional diagnosis of her well being. If you are going to help, do it the right way, stay out of it and let someone qualified do the job. You are divorced for a reason.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

All you have is 3rd hand talk from a coworker. You don't really know what is going on with her, and she will have no contact with you. She is not your responsibility. If it were me, I would tell the coworker to do whatever they feel is necessary if they believe she is a real threat to herself. Either contact authorities or her parents. She has chosen to freeze you out of her life. She has said you are not welcome anymore into any aspect of her life. She won't accept any help you offer, and it might even be counterproductive to try to engage her about her mental health.

Contact her parents once, if you think necessary.

Other than that, step away from the drama.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Many are right, it's just hearsay from this other person. As my therapist told me, if she wanted anything, friendship or otherwise, she would had reached out. She's been completely silent for nearly a year. Love would be the incorrect word, more like I feel bad and never wanted to hurt her. When something doesn't work, you either work on it or leave. Since she refused to work on it and blame everything on me, after nearly 2 years, I sadly threw in the towel. She's very stubborn and doesn't trust anyone (including her parents apparently). I've always left an olive branch out for her. Yet, she's always pushed it away. I can just hope she's okay. One cannot force another person to allow them to assist them. I still have to send the legal docs, so I will include that I am open to talk if she ever needs it. That would be it. 

It's not that I am weak or in love, I just do not wish any harm to her in anyway. She's a good person, just not good to me.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah it has been.... See below.
> 
> Just no.... terrible for the OP.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure exactly what you have been through, but just from your member name it's clear that marriage was not a good experience for you. 

Being concerned about an ex-spouse does not make you a masochist or a sad puppy. It makes you a human being. I suggested he offer to talk to her. If that is "coddling" to you, then we can agree to disagree.

Sometimes I think people take this "no contact" and "disengage" concept too far. Maybe in some instances it's best, but not as a blanket statement to everyone.

I'll say this next part hoping it's not a thread-jack and that the OP can get something out of it. I have been divorced since 2008, which I realize is longer than most people on this forum. The divorce was typical - disagreements, animosity, custody issues, and infidelity (on his part - but not until we actually started discussing divorce). For a few years that's how it went. But at this point, things have smoothed out enough so that we can focus past all that, and realize that we spent 15 years together and created three amazing children. I don't love him, not that way, and the emotions are just gone. But as a person who was such a part of so much of my life for so many years, I care about what happens to him. 

He feels the same. He will come over and hang curtain rods because he knows that last time I tried that I got my hair caught in the drill. Last week he drove me to my eye surgery. I have done the same for him (minus the drill things...) and if I thought he needed a friend, I would be there. There have been several times when we have talked about work issues, etc.

So that is why I gave the advice I did. If the OP takes your advice, BetrayedDad, and then his ex-wife ends up hurting herself, he would be devastated. It's not about fault, because it wouldn't be his fault. But from the little I know of their situation, I would guess that he feels a little guilty and somewhat responsible for how she is feeling right now, and he still cares about her. I also would guess that she feels like she wishes she could go back and do some things differently, but she is having to deal with the fact that she can't. And that's a tough thing to accept.

Just my opinion, but if the day comes that caring about other people - especially those who used to be a part of your life - becomes a bad thing, then I don't care to be a part of it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

OP
You are a mensch. You tried before and were rebuffed. If it were me, I'd try at least once more to get into contact. If she is so disposed, she will listen. If she is still stubborn, and would rather suffer than reach out, then there is not a damned thing you can do. All you can do is satisfy yourself that you did the right thing. That is all we really can do, after all.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Just my opinion, but if the day comes that caring about other people - especially those who used to be a part of your life - becomes a bad thing, then I don't care to be a part of it.


Well all I have to say is all EXs are EXs for a reason and I'll leave it at that.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I had a fairly bitter divorce (initiated by me), in which my ex tried (but failed) to take me to the cleaners.

But when she contacted me a few years later for advice, I helped her out the best I could.

However, if she had said she didn't want to talk to me, I wouldn't have insisted.


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