# I didn't know what I was getting myself into



## Ssy (Apr 2, 2014)

Now I know marriage is not for me. I won't get into detail but just say I've been married 6 years and we have 1 child. My husband quit his jobs ago because he didn't like going there anymore. He said he was miserable. That left me being the only bread winner in our family. it's been really hard maintaining our lifestyle but I seem to be getting by. We had lots of problems before this ranging from cultural and family differences. My mom thinks he keeps me around for my money. He's family thinks I'm ugly and I don't deserve him. They think I'm a bad mother and wife, basically to them everything about me is bad from my clothes to my parenting. When he used to work I earned a little more money than him, but he was doing pretty well as well. The difference was that you can see what I do with my money but his he spends it on himself and helps out around the house when I completely run out of money. He once told me that what he does with his money when he is with his family is none of my business. I can deal with all that and him not supporting his child because he expects me to do it. What I have a problem with is the constant criticism from him, from I'm selfish and everything I buy is a selfish buy to I'm filthy and disgusting. He expects me to do everything around the house as well as go to work to support him and our daughter while he sleeps all day and expects a warm cooked meal at the end of the day. I have had enough and i want out of this marriage. I'm not a social person, I like my space and I can't stand the constant visits and family gatherings. I don't do family gatherings with my family. This has made life very difficult for me and all i want is sit back relax and enjoy my space and time with my daughter. Getting married was the worst thing I ever did and now I don't know how to get out without everyone blaming me for giving on such a "wonderful man", if only they knew what an ASS he is.


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## Ssy (Apr 2, 2014)

*Even before we were married, he was an A***

I Want Out Of My Marriage... I’m 24 and my husband is 26. We’ve been together for 5 years married 11 months. We have a 3 year old girl. We planned to get married a year before I found out I was pregnant. When I fell pregnant we postponed to have the baby first (financial issues). We’re both working and have fairly good jobs. 
We’re Xhosa’s from South Africa and live in South Africa. It is tradition when you fall pregnant and are unmarried to introduce yourself to the girl’s family as the father and support the girl financially or pay whatever amount to the family to assist with the pregnancy and the baby/mother’s needs. When it came down to introducing himself to the family, he had all sorts of excuses (one being that it wasn’t even tradition to do that but a formality). I gave birth and my family never met him, they just knew him from what I told them about him. I was seen as the girl who fell pregnant and was abandoned by the father. I lived through that, loved my husband and didn’t care what my family said.

I gave birth by C-section and had to pay all the hospital bills, doctor fees, buy the baby clothes myself because I was smart enough to prepare for the baby. I was on medical aid as well and he wasn’t so that cut the expenses in half for me. I went home with the baby (being a first time mom) and received NO help from my husband. Waking up at night for the feedings was torture, cleaning the baby and the house. I had an operation that hurt so much every time I moved. He wouldn’t even get up to pass the baby to me so I could feed her (I moved her cot into our bedroom). He just slept through it all. I took three months from work to look after the baby. I couldn’t stay longer because I couldn’t afford it. From the day my baby was born she has been my responsibility financially and in all other ways. I never want to have children again (not after the pain I went through) I have to beg and annoy to get him to see that I need help. I’ve taken life insurance for her and he refuses because he doesn’t see the point.

After I gave birth I went and bought a car to make getting around easy for me and the baby. He doesn’t have a car, but I always treat it like it’s our car because we’re married and I love him. He’s lazy, never helps out around the house or with the baby. He doesn’t even make the bed when he wakes up. Wakes up late and I’m always late for work to the point where I got a warning and I have to take a taxi (AM STILL PAYING FOR THE F*&**N car he’s using). He complain about everything, from the way he’s clothes are ironed , how he’s food is made , why I didn’t get around to doing something he asked me to do , to how much effort I put into sex (he always says If I haven’t done it I shouldn’t give him excuses). He wants to be respected and treated like the man of the house and he doesn’t even try to assist. All he ever cares about is sex and I always tell him that we’re broken and sex isn’t going to fix our problems. His family actually thinks everything we have is because of him. I’ve actually reached a point where I just don’t care.

He’s not physically abusive but did hit me once and then promised never to do it again. He said that I bring out the worst in him. He told me he’s bored so I let him go out to the places he won’t be bored. He spends his money on anything he feels like buying, while I’m stuck with all the expenses, from the baby, to insurance, car installments, school fees for the baby, my school fees (furthering my studies) and every other thing that goes on around the house. Painting the house is my problem, fixing broken door and washing machines (I always say, it can’t be that hard to fix it. So I grab my tools and start hammering and he’ll just look at me and play he’s video games or sleep) . He always has business ideas that never go anywhere and I always support him and I’m currently helping him with his latest business venture (I’ll make sure that it gets off the ground). 

He has a kid with another woman (from before we met). For a while I sent money to assist the mother with the kid and actually helped her get a proper job by offering accommodation in our flat for three months. He never did send money and the mother was always complaining. At my home children always get new clothes for Christmas day. When I asked him to buy clothes for his child, he told to but out it’s not my baby and I should stop involving myself in his child’s life. Christmas came and the little boy didn’t have new clothes for Christmas and mine did (that didn’t sit well with husband’s family, seemed like I didn’t care).

We tried counseling and he chose him. After three sessions he wanted me to pay for it and I can’t afford it. We stopped going and when I asked why, he told me it was because the shrink was more on my side than his. We’ve drifted further apart and I’ve actually told him that I want us to part ways because I’m miserable and I don’t want to try anymore.
I’m thinking of my child and my family (because my mom put so much into the marriage). I’ve spoken to him about this and it doesn’t make a difference. Every time I voice anything he goes and buys me flowers and chocolates. (That just makes me laugh). I’ve even weekend getaways for two but they are financially draining on my part. Love just isn’t enough, I want out (11 month or not).


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You married a loser.

Now divorce the loser.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are perfectly suited for a marriage, you just need to not be married to a selfish and immature a$$hole.

Reading between the lines he is spoiled and still feels like, or wants to be a child in his primary family verses a man/parent/adult of his own family. His family enables the problems. Why do you care what they think?

There is so much wrong with the story of your marriage it is painful to read and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live.

Nothing anyone types here is going to break you free of this. You are suffering from issues of self worth and need to learn to objectively exert yourself for your own and your daughter's financial and mental health. You need to go to individual therapy and start working on this. All you have now is a list of grievances and misguided concerns (what people think of you) and you need applied confidence and conviction in your life. 

The final motivator you need to consider is this: Is this the example of a man/marriage that you want your daughter to grow up with? Is this the kind of man you want her to seek out? Pretend this is normal and leave it the way it is and you do long term damage to your daughter.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I have been to SA. Beautiful country.

You are not a wife, you are a slave. Emancipate yourself.

Good luck.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I know this mentality. You've got nothing to lose. Kick him out. Better still, move out and let him pay the rent. Why should you have to pay for him to drink and sleep, and still cook for him?


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## Ssy (Apr 2, 2014)

I'm scared of what divorce will do to my child, because she adores her dad. On the other hand I'm dying a little evryday. I've tried taking up hobbies on the side just to take away the stress, but those just prove how said I am. Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to survive on my own.

I don't want to put him out on the street when he doesn't even have a job


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ssy said:


> *I'm scared of what divorce will do to my child, because she adores her dad. *On the other hand I'm dying a little evryday. I've tried taking up hobbies on the side just to take away the stress, but those just prove how said I am. Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to survive on my own.
> *
> I don't want to put him out on the street when he doesn't even have a job*


Both of these are defeatist statements. Excuses. You want out, so GET OUT. You do your child no favors staying in this situation. He will always be her dad. And too frickin bad if he doesnt have a job, he is the crybaby who quit.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Ssy said:


> I'm scared of what divorce will do to my child, because she adores her dad. On the other hand I'm dying a little evryday. I've tried taking up hobbies on the side just to take away the stress, but those just prove how said I am. Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to survive on my own.
> 
> I don't want to put him out on the street when he doesn't even have a job


You're heading to the madhouse if you don't fix this. I fail to see how raising a daughter in an environment where the man lounges and the woman does all the work would be considered anywhere near ideal.

It's unfortunate, but you're between a rock and a slightly hard place. If he's a good dad, he'll show up for his daughter. Either way, he's not your responsibility.


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## roseblssm6 (Mar 29, 2014)

I agree with others. He'll always be her dad. He can live with his family if they are so defensive of him or he'll get a job to take care of himself. He's taking advantage of you and treating you like a slave.


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## Ssy (Apr 2, 2014)

My mind is actually made up. I want a divorce but I just don't know how to bring up the whole subjects. He actually annoys me because he's all smug about this whole thing like, he knows how I feel about what family will say if we get a divorce. He uses that against me knowing that I'll never ask for a divorce


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Ssy said:


> My mind is actually made up. I want a divorce but I just don't know how to bring up the whole subjects. He actually annoys me because he's all smug about this whole thing like, he knows how I feel about what family will say if we get a divorce. He uses that against me knowing that I'll never ask for a divorce



Easy solution: Then don't get divorced. You make all the money, right? Simply move out and find a new place for yourself. You don't have to divorce him right away. This has another benefit too because maybe, just maybe, he will see you are serious and finally change his behavior.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Since he's so narcissistic and emotionally abusive...there's no explanation or reasoning that will ever settle with him or his family. You'll never have any communication with him that won't be abusive or condesending, and it will always be your fault. 

So, my suggestion would be to skip the explanation for now. Plan your escape, secure what's yours, and get out. You can explain later, and under your terms, because you will not be under anyone's thumb, or stuck under the same roof as your H. You see so much clearer when you escape the "fog" of the cycle of abuse you're in now.


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