# How far would you go to "test" your spouses loyalty?



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So my wife had a EA with texting. We are working through it and are on a good path with counseling and what not. 

So I keep having this thought in my head. What if I create an email account, similar to the guy she texted, pose as him to test her.

Just a thought. Is that mean? I think it's pretty cruel but what do you all think?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Bad idea. For you to do that, it means you are lying to her. Is that really the path you believe you should take? Trying to test lying by lying yourself? Two wrongs do not make a right.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

You're starting to play games. Don't do it. 

Use that energy in a positive way to make your marriage better instead.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

This is coming from someone that has done this for the exact same purpose. What I found out is that my husband will continue to lie to me. Just that simple. Am I proud that I set up the fake account and lied, absolutely not. Did it get me any where? No. Just the more knowledge that he will always lie and I don't know if I can ever get past this.

I contacted my husband on one of his networking sites. Posing as someone else. Fake job, interests, everything. I just wanted to see if he'd come to me and say "Hey, this person contacted me about blank." He never did. I then sent him a slighty flirty message to see if he'd tell me about that. He never did. 

There's my answer. Sometimes we make these crazy decisions from pure emotions and hope that we will get a positive response from it. And think "Ok, I start trusting again, this is good." But are you prepared for the opposite?

Good luck with what you decide.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Im not sure if thats a good idea, Devastated, you mention that your hubby never mentioned it to you, did he replie to those messages? I am not sure I would mention it either, if I was caught or guilty of having an ea or pa, then during the period of recovery ,suddenly I recieve this flirty message and I ignore it, I mite not mention it thinking my significant other would think the worse, and maybe not believe the truth , and Im not sure I would blame her, so why go thru that mess ? ofcourse this is IF he didnt reply and ignored it . maybe that is his reasoning.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

robalocc said:


> Im not sure if thats a good idea, Devastated, you mention that your hubby never mentioned it to you, did he replie to those messages? I am not sure I would mention it either, if I was caught or guilty of having an ea or pa, then during the period of recovery ,suddenly I recieve this flirty message and I ignore it, I mite not mention it thinking my significant other would think the worse, and maybe not believe the truth , and Im not sure I would blame her, so why go thru that mess ? ofcourse this is IF he didnt reply and ignored it . maybe that is his reasoning.


Well, the first one was simple "business" question e-mail. All I wanted was for him to come to me and say "Hey, this person contacted me about such and such." Did he do that? No. He responded to the message that he was interested in working with me, then "my" response back was slightly flirty but could also be explained as "no, I meant this, not that" etc... Again, just to see if he'd say anything. Did he? No. One of the many issues is that he'll never have a simple conversation about anything. He keeps everything to himself. Everything.

Like I said, was this a good decision to make on my part to set this fake account up? No. not at all. It was made with pure emotion and not a clear head.

What I don't understand is what you said that you would probably keep it secret as well. But why? If you got caugt, is that the time to start proving that you can be trusted and if some one did send you a message wouldn't you go to your spouse and say "This woman contacted me about business then I felt her second message was a bit flirty" etc.. Wouldn't that help your spouse to see that you're trying and that you can be trusted. Wouldn't keeping it secret just show that you can't be trusted?


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Devastated, you make valid points, and you are correct...I was just putting myself in that situation, I think if I knew I was innocent and didnt respond to a flirty message etc... I wouldnt say anything to my partner because I wouldnt want them thinking the worse when there really isnt anything to think about, basicaly making a vulnerable situation worse. Now if the messages continued I would say something yes. I wouldnt want her thinking something that is nothing, because I caused her enough. Ofcourse all of this if It was innocent. just what I would probably do.I know its probably wrong, just being honest.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have to admit I work with Dear Hubby and I'm not sure I would tell him either, but not in an effort to "keep it secret." It would be more like "It didn't mean anything to me so I spaced it out." He and I have the agreement that when a male person PM's me or emails me, that I read it to him, copy him, or in some way inform him -- and likewise if I reply. But when someone in a work environment emails me to say "Here are the sales reports for yesterday" I could totally see spacing it out because I don't give a rip if the person was a male or female and it might not have struck me as "It's a MAN!"  

I think there is a balance to be struck here. Is the disloyal being open and transparent (meaning they let you in so you can see their real thoughts, feelings and actions) or are they keeping things halfway hidden and still acting sneaky? I can understand being on the lookout for some sneakiness, but by the same token, I would think maybe giving the benefit of the doubt especially if other areas seem to indicate openness and honesty. Know what I mean? Forgetting to say "Oh dear, in my email today there were 3 business emails from female people" doesn't mean they are purposefully being dishonest, and that's what you want to nip in the bud: purposeful dishonesty.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I wouldn't test his loyalty. I would work at building my trust in his word again. If I felt that I couldn't do that, if I felt that he was still being dishonest with me, if I thought that there was that possibility that he could slip again either with the person he originally cheated with or someone new, I would come right out and ask and I would trust my intuition on whether or not to believe him. 

Testing loyalty in the way that you describe is not going to help your marriage. Think about it: you make this fake address, pretend to be him. Either she responds in a way that hurts you and your marriage ends, which strangely enough, is the only good outcome. Because the other options are that she finds out that you deceived her this way and your marriage still ends, or she doesn't find out and you end up keeping this secret from her, which is really no better than the affair that she had. 

Resist the urge. Do your best to learn to trust her again. If you feel unable to trust her, then explore why you feel that way. Explore what it is about the situation that is causing you to think that you can't trust her.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

robalocc said:


> Devastated, you make valid points, and you are correct...I was just putting myself in that situation, I think if I knew I was innocent and didnt respond to a flirty message etc... I wouldnt say anything to my partner because I wouldnt want them thinking the worse when there really isnt anything to think about, basicaly making a vulnerable situation worse. Now if the messages continued I would say something yes. I wouldnt want her thinking something that is nothing, because I caused her enough. Ofcourse all of this if It was innocent. just what I would probably do.I know its probably wrong, just being honest.


And I appreciate your honesty. See, my husband has a side business (which is why "my" first message to him was business related) and one thing that I felt that should have happened would be for him to say something like "Hey this person contacted me about blank, could be a possible job" What's wrong with simple conversation? That's what I would have viewed it as on top of him finally being honest with me etc... Then I could feel like I could start trusting him again. There have been other messages, him contacting the fake me (nothing major) but he still hasn't said anything to me. 

I have absolutely no secrets with him. I've told him all my skeletons, I tell him about e-mails, chats etc... that I've had for mainly two reasons, 1. because I don't believe in any kind of secret in a relationship and 2. for simple conversation sake. But apparently, that's just me.


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