# Am I Crazy?!?!



## SadDad (Feb 14, 2009)

OK, this is a long one. Here goes...

My wife - who I will call Dianne - and I have been married for 11 1/2 years. When we first met, we weren't really into each other at all and were both young, out of college and doing the fooling around thing. I had been in a summer fling with her friend and summer roommate who moved after getting another job that summer. Later that summer Dianne and I became friends, made out at an opening night party, then began fooling around together, began dating, moved in with each other and after 5 years of dating, and a 1 1/2 year engagement we got married. One major attraction we both had in each other was how important family is to both of us. When were about to be married I would read up on what the traditional duties, and what was expected by the groom, the best man, etc... I bought Dianne a wedding gift and at the rehearsal dinner when it was my time to speak, I gave her the gift and spoke about how much I love her, etc... When it was herturn to speak, she spoke about how thrilled she was to have all of her friends there for her special day. no gift. I thought we should consummate the marriage that night, but Dianne only wanted to hang out with her friends all night and I eventually had to wake Dianne up to make love that night. It didn't feel like we were starting off the way I had hoped. Perhaps I had too high of expectations. I just thought that that was the way it was supposed to be done. Anyway...

No Dianne and I are both in the entertainment business. Most guys in my profession are gay. I am not, which makes me kind of a rarity. When we were dating Dianne was at times skeptical about my sexuality, which I was very surprised at - and then she would be very jealous if I simply mentioned that another girl in a show we saw onstage was attractive or "hot". We had a great sex life but sometimes I would lose my erection because Dianne would come on so strong. It would cause some friction, egos would be brused, arguements, etc... I didn't know why it would happen. It happened once when I was in college, but the girl I was with was also aggressive sexually and I knew had been with others who I knew.

Once Dianne and I were both in a show and she met a friend - who I will call Kate - who happened to be a lesbian in a bad relationship at the time (her lover was an alcoholic) who we had found out lived across the street from us in the city and became Dianne's best friend. During the course of the show we were all three in together, I began noticing how strong their friendship was becoming. The show we were doing was away from our home in the city which required the cast to share a large van to and from the theatre. My wife gets awful cramps during her period and I noticed that on the ride back home one night, all three of us were in the back seat of the van - Dianne, who was sitting next to me was laying her head in Kate's lap and Kate was running her fingers through Dianne's hair to make her feel better. Now, I have no problems with that, but more and more I began noticing Dianne confiding in Kate and Kate in Dianne all the time. Kate broke up with her partner and was living alone across the street from Dianne and I. Eventually, Dianne was inviting Kate to come over for dinner every night The Sopranos was on HBO. It became a ritual that became more often than just once a week. Once when Dianne was on her way home from her "regular job" in retail, she became really sick and was on the bus on the way home. She called me on her way home and told me how she was feeling. I ran down to the bus stop to meet her. I found Kate already there waiting. 

This intrusion into our marriage that I felt caused Dianne and I to fight all of the time. She would tell me that she has had a lot of lesbian friends but would swear she wasn't one herself. I would drink, get jealous and say things to both of them I would regret, but inside I was always jealous of their connection. I would lose my erection during sex more and more which added to the stress. 

One summer I was away doing a show and Dianne and Kate would travel together to come and see the show. It seemed that those two were together everywhere! Well, that summer I had an affair with the woman I was playing opposite who also happened to be married. As with most affairs, she, the other woman, made me feel sexy and attractive and alive again. Well, the ^&%#@!$# hit the fan and Dianne found out. We almost divorced but over time we reconciled, went to counciling and became close again, but the hurt never went away for either of us. I said some pretty awful things to Dianne during that difficult time that she hasn't gotten over. I also expressed my hurt and jealousy of her relationship with Kate and told her that I felt it was like an emotional affair she was having with Kate. Dianne refused to see the correlation. Well, time passed and scars grew over the wounds. Over this time we three , would do shows together across the US. I would direct and Dianne and Kate would be in them. We actually are a very successful team of sorts. Eventually my wife Dianne and I would talk about starting our own family and possibly a company and after 9/11 we decided that the big city wasn't the place we wanted to raise a child so we began thinking about moving and starting our own family and business. As the business plans were being drafted, my wife, who hates to hurt anyone's feelings (her excuse at times) begins including Kate in the process and begins acting as if she will be a business partner. We have more and more fights, but the scars are real thick and my wife is pregnant with our first. Fast forward to after our daughter is born and all three of us move away from the city to Dianne's hometown and start the company. Dianne and I have an amazing 3 year old daughter whom we both are mad about. Actually the best thing that has ever happened to me. The three of us are constantly working on the business and Kate and Dianne discuss the business between themselves and of course Kate is over at our house all the time because we run the business out of our home when we aren't working on a show. My daughter loves Kate to death and Kate is really good with kids. But God, I don't know how long I can deal with this! I've even contemplated suicide once or twice. Dianne and I haven't been intimate / had sex in over 3 years and it seems that my wife could care less if we were to have sex again. We used to have sex 3 times a day when we were dating. I have resorted to masterbation and porn on the net and it makes me hate myself. I don't want to divorce Dianne because I love my daughter so much, and I do love her too, but it seems that I can't get any changes to happen. Maybe I'm the one with the real problem. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy! Dianne's family is very close and Kate is considered a family member too coming over for the family's weekly Sunday dinner. Kate is a friend and a very loyal one at that, but I just feel that deep down this isn't healthy but no one else seems to have a problem with it.
Am I crazy?


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Holy ----!!! No you are not crazy. You will get some great feedback on this site. Everyone is personable.


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## been through it all 2008 (Feb 9, 2009)

No, you aren't crazy. What do you mean by aggressive? why would that make you lose an erection? Women are emotional creatures so my guess is that your wife thought your loss of an erection those times was her fault and caused some issues inwardly. Her relationship with this girl is not healthy and too close. She should be leaning on you for comfort and support, but for some reason has leaned on this friend. In a lot of ways you can see how show business isn't good for marriage. Look at what you did while you were away. Look at how this too close friendship got started. Look at all the stars who end up having affairs, leaving their spouse because they end up sleeping with someone they are acting with. I have an issue with porn. You can read other things I have said on some of the posts. In short though,it is wrong and I'm glad you hate yourself when you look at it and masterbate. Just as she is looking to her friend to meet her needs, you are looking elsewhere to meet yours. Why don't you do something very special for her and then remind her of when you used to have sex three times a day. Instead of focusing of the friend, focus on your marriage. What can you do to help it? If you keep looking at porn and masterbating you will soon find yourself not being able to perform with her anyway. You will also be left all alone, not able to see your daughter as much and in a position that will leave you wondering what happened.


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## SadDad (Feb 14, 2009)

Isn't porn better than going out and finding someone to have a relationship with? And, how can I begin to focus on our marriage when the friend is over every day and my wife makes dinner for all four of us each evening. I know that my wife is a generous person and cares about her friend since none of us have any money right now because things are so tight with the economy and all. The arts are really being hurt right now. But dinner every night? It's not like I haven't expressed to my wife how important it is for us to have a date night, I have. It seems like my wife puts everybody else first as our date is yet to happen. She, my wife, is even over at her sister's house right now watching her kids tonight so that her sister and her husband can go out. Even if we were to finally get to go out, just the 2 of us, it will be like we don't even know how to "act" like a couple. I guess with all we have to do for our business, especially in this economy, and trying to be the best parents we can be for our daughter I'll have to just wait.


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## SadDad (Feb 14, 2009)

I could really use some feedback. P.S. guess what I'm gining up 4 Lent?


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi there,

I know what you mean by 'going crazy', and that is because you are not being honest with your feelings. I'm not being honest with mine. I actually got separated and the pain of separating was so intense that I got back with my husband. 

You convince yourself that your feelings are not real, that you are making things up but we never make things up. They are feelings based in TRUTH.

Only thing is, that my husband is suspecting that all of my emotional trauma is based in the fact that I am not happy with him, and I think he is right, but I am frightened to death of being alone and starting again , and the fact that I care so much for the guy and we have been to hell and back makes it hard to imagine ending something when we both care for each other so deeply.

I blamed my feelings on my childhood--which makes sense because it was difficult-- but at the end of the day I think it is both.

It sounds like she is too scared to admit the truth of the situation and you woud rather believe her than go with what you know to be true. This is what is happening with my usband and me. Because I would rather re-live something horrible and blame that than deal with the reality.

It is so hard.

I think you need to do what is right, whick is speak the truth.

I have a suggestion. Just within your own mind. Tell yourself that she is trying to have her cake and eat it too and make you feel guilty for suspecting that she is a lesbian and that it is wrong and that you are going to tell her tonight. See how your mind reacts. Does the headache go away a little? If so, that is your body and mind telling you something.

Lat night my H said that if it is him that is making me feel this way then it is really #$%^ed, but that I need to find out if that is the case, and let him know, because it isnt fair by him, which is true.

Just see how the thought of going there and following through and sticking with it makes you feel.

Good luck,


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## SadDad (Feb 14, 2009)

I am also very scared of starting all over again. My daughter is everything I have in the world and don't want to do anything that would harm her. It's just that every now and then...which is every day, I wonder how many other married couples our age (39 & 40) have gone without sex for over a year...not to mention 3+ years now! I know we are swamped with the business, but my life can't be normal. Am I EVER going to have sex again?!?! 

And as with any business, shop talk isn't fun all the time, but when we do discuss decisions that need to be made, many times my wife sides "Kate" or with others rather than me. I don't expect her to follow me cart blanch but I was raised to know that spouses are ALWAYS behind each other, whether right or wrong. Isn't your spouse supposed to be your best friend too?


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## Jooky (Apr 17, 2009)

I own a small business with my wife, and the fixation on the work needed to survive does interfere and I don't get as much sex as I'd like, but the longest for me is like 2-3 weeks. 3+ years?!? I'd consider that fair game for a divorce.

But, the real key is, why doesn't she want to have sex/be intimate with you? Is it the friend? Is it the fact that you cheated? Cheating is a big deal in my marriage/mind, and even kissing someone else is grounds for divorce, agreed to by both my wife and me. It doesn't sound like she's gotten over your cheating.

Does the friend pay more attention to your wife, or different attention? Your wife is obviously not getting something she needs. But, after my wife left me this week leaving me hoping for a happy ending, I learned a valuable lesson I should have already known:

I can't change my wife, I can only change me.

So, I'm looking at what I do that I don't like, and the stuff I do that she doesn't like. I'm not worrying about what I want her to do, or at least I'm not trying to force her to do it. I'm trying to accept. My wife's an amazing lady; she doesn't have to be perfect.

It sounds like you're fighting your situation. Try accepting it and seeing if that new perspective offers any insight or calms you down.

Rough situation. Sounds painful. I hope some of what I said is of benefit.

PS Ain't no shame with rubbing one out, in my book. I'm a frequent masturbator and it doesn't negatively affect my sex life. Also, I accept that I like jerking off to porn. It is what it is, ya know?

Good luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SadDad-

The cure for your lack of sex might be an unusual one. If you were to cut down on the masturbation, it would have a dramatic affect on your motivation to get sex. You would either get to the bottom of why your wife does not want it, or you would get a g/f. Your wife is almost certainly having an EA if not PA with Kate, so you may as well make up your mind.

Read this article, and let me know if any of the headings apply to you: Sexless Marriage?


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## SadDad2 (Feb 23, 2010)

OK. It has been almost a full year later since my last post and here is where I am...

I told my wife that we need counceling STAT. I found a therapist and began sessions. Had 2-3 sessions and asked if we could have joint sessions if my wife would agree to come. She did and we had about 3 sessions. I found out that my father's health is really bad with Pulmonary Fibrosis. He just got on "the list" for a double lung transplant which we pray will come around soon. The therapist told us we need to spend time talking first once a day about anything other than parenthood or the business. Each time I would try to talk, something would come up. I crushed my foot during a work related accicident which required surgery and being bed ridden for a month or so. To help with sleeping I moved into the guest bedroom because the elevated leg took up so much space. My foot is better and I am still in that guest room today. I have even been told to leave the master bedroom when I had tried to start sleepiing in there again. Therapy sessions have been put on hold (no insurance or cash to cover the sessions). Business is hurting. I have tried on several occasions to ask her, "when are we going to be able to talk about us?" There never seems to be a good time. Either she is busy or just doesn't want to. I told her that I am getting pretty tired of asking. We are cordial anf friendly towards each other but there is definitely no intimacy in our marriage. It has now been 4 years since we had sex. I have completely ceased the porn and even masterbating for the past 2 months. What am going to do? ugh.


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## dre (Jan 30, 2010)

Ok a your wife is having an affair with kate or b she does not love you anymore and she is just doing what works. I am thinking a is the best bet. Time to go buddy no sex for 4 yrs come on man i would have cheated or left after year two. sorry things are the way they are focus on your dad and pray and come up with a plan b because what u are doing is not working


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SadDad2 said:


> It has now been 4 years since we had sex. I have completely ceased the porn and even masterbating for the past 2 months. *What am going to do? *ugh.


You waited a year to get more advice. Why?

You are behaving like a doormat. Doormats aren't attractive, as I said in this article.

What are _you _going to do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> sometimes I would lose my erection because Dianne would come on so strong





> It's not like I haven't expressed to my wife how important it is for us to have a date night, I have. It seems like my wife puts everybody else first as our date is yet to happen.





> Each time I would try to talk, something would come up.





> I have even been told to leave the master bedroom when I had tried to start sleepiing in there again.





> I have tried on several occasions to ask her, "when are we going to be able to talk about us?" There never seems to be a good time. Either she is busy or just doesn't want to.





> What am going to do? ugh.


Learn how to be the man of the family and kick her out of that role.

Why should she respect you, or give you anything you want? You act like a wimpering fool. NO one is going to respect you.

Google No More Mister Nice Guy.


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## SadDad2 (Feb 23, 2010)

@ Dre - I know that my wife is not having a physical affair. It is all emotional. And maybe you're right, maybe she doesn't love me anymore, but I am not going to abandon the marriage until I am certain that she and I are done as a couple. 

@ MarkTwain - Yeah, I read your article. There are some good points made. But as I mentioned before, I have a 5 year old daughter that I love very deeply and am not going to allow my selfishness to affect her having an "as close to stable" upbringing with her father around. The truth is right now our theatre company is in production for a show that my wife is directing and the timing to talk hasn't been optimal. 

What I AM doing about my situation is spending quality time with my daughter as much as I can, getting myself in shape, going to the gym, eating better, cutting down on the alcohol and getting back to my faith. FYI - I was raised Catholic. I know you understand the church's position on divorce - but if it comes down to it, I will cross that bridge if I must, but not until all opportunities have been explored.

@ Tunera - I have googled the "No More Mr Nice Guy". Might go and find the book just out of curiousity. Again, I am not going to be the one who abandons my marriage or family until I am positive that at least I have done everything I could to save it. It kills me to think about my daughter wondering, "will my parents ever get back together?" She is only 5 and I don't believe she is mature enough to handle the difficulties and instabilities of a separtation...despite my personal situation with my wife is far from stable right now. And even if I were to begin thinking more and more about starting a trial separation, I don't really know what all is involved with that from a legal standpoint. Her sister is an attourney and what legal complications were to occur if I were to begin the separtation. Would I be considered the one who abandonded the marriage and family? 

AND I HAVE made a conscience decision to not "look for approval" from her or "act like a doormat". I am focusing more on "me" and getting myself where I want to be. I have to respect myself first before I can ask anyone else to respect me. And believe me...I have not been acting like a "whimpering fool."


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SadDad-

If you are working on yourself in both mind and body, you are going in the right direction. As for religion, that is all about other people telling us what to do. It can sometimes be an abnegation of responsibility. Remember what Jesus said: "The law was made for man, but man was not made for the law".

We have to run our own lives. Faith is personal. It comes down to what is in your heart. It's between you and you.

For what it's worth, there is a 50% chance your wife is having an affair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> And believe me...I have not been acting like a "whimpering fool."


No?

You ASK her if she's ready to talk.
You TRY to talk but she puts you off, and you allow it.
You EXPRESS your desire for a date night and she ignores you.
She TELLS you to leave the bedroom...and YOU DO!

No?


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## SadDad2 (Feb 23, 2010)

@ Turnera - Points well taken but I don't see how that makes me a whimpering fool. it's not like I say 'OK' and go away. I have been pushing on these subjects. And I don't go to the other room with my tail inbetween my legs. There have been fights and arguements and fights in the past. Perhaps its the medication I'm on for depression/anxiety. I've been on it for a while and new medication as of September when I started seeing a therapist. The new meds makes it easier with the no sex and takes the edge off of the fighting.

@ MarkTwain - 50% chance? I agree to the emotional affair but there is no way there is a physical one going on. Trust me.

Here's a question. We live in her hometown where all of her family are - parents, sisters, nieces... They are all very nice, supportive and loving. My wife is the youngest of three girls and she is very close with the next oldest. I also feel pretty close to the sister-in-law...definitely more so than the eldest sister-in-law. My question is should I contact my sister-in-law and mention - without giving details - that we are having problems in our marriage, that I am trying to get my wife to talk, and ask if she has shared anything with my sister-in-law?
If we do split, I don't want them thinking I haven't been trying to work on it. Just a thought.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what happens when you bring up wanting to talk or go out or stay in your bedroom? Why does it always end up that she gets what she wants?

btw, for a woman, an emotional affair is usually WORSE than a physical affair, because they look for EMOTIONAL attachment; the rest isn't usually as important to them. So what she'd be getting from this other person will be more important to her than whatever she gets from you.

IDK about the family thing. If you have a really close relationship, I'd say go for it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SadDad2 said:


> If we do split, I don't want them thinking I haven't been trying to work on it. Just a thought.


You're just not getting it. Forget about what other people think. One day you will wake up with a BANG. You will be angry for having been such a chump.


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