# Anybody in or have been in a codependant relationship? Or just help out...



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I have posted some stories here trying to figure out the problem with my girlfriend and I and I have been told by somebody that we are in a codependent relationship. So, today I talked to her on the phone and tried to let her know what my needs were as far as communication and admitted to having done things incorrectly by changing the way I do things to make her happy, and changing my opinion and avoiding confrontation just to make her happy... and I realize that is unhealthy behavior. I also pointed out that her and I are on 2 totally different planes of communication. When I tell her how I feel, she gets upset and takes it personally rather than wanting to work together and come to a happy medium which I have always wanted with her. I understand people handle things differently, but is it too much to me to expect someone who is upset (especially if it's something I did) that they would not ignore my phone calls and messages and just tell me what's wrong? Most of the time she has gotten mad at me, there has been a very logical explanation to it but in the past what I would do is become so anxious about her shutting me out that I would have to drive to her house and plead with her to talk to me. Which I also realized as unhealthy and these are things that I told her I would no longer do (earlier in the week). 

I did a lot of research online to see what is going on here, and I came to a long list of characteristics of codependency and I realized a lot of it I can relate to... which is highlighted in bold...

*My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.*
*My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.*
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way. (_I am not sure if this has anything to do with my expectancy of her to tell me when something is wrong_
*My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.*
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
*I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.*
*I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.*
*My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.*
*I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.*
*My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.*
*I put my values aside in order to connect with you.*
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

So today talking to her on the phone and telling her how I felt, she was just extremely angry the whole time. Yelling and cussing... and I was being cool and calm the whole time just trying to get my point across but I was getting nowhere. After a while it just turned to tears and long pauses on the phone and she had nothing to say other than "I don't know what else you want me to do, I don't understand at all, I'm sorry i'm such a terrible girlfriend, and you're being ridiculous." 

Now I don't know if i did the right thing ending it the way I did. I feel like there were serious flaws in our communication and understanding of each other's needs but I just keep thinking what else I could do to salvage anything. Anybody have any advice or input?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Get yourself a journal. Write about her ... everyday. Write down all that you have to say about her, and your relationship with her. 

If it hurts, write about the hurt. Do the same about the doubt, the anger, the good memories and the bad ones. But leave the relationship in the pages. Going back will never, ever, get you the results you believe are possible. The kicker is, they are possible - but not now, not with this person.

Never define yourself, or put the responsibility for your well-being and happiness upon another person. The costs are enormous compared to the short-lived benefits.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

I am the co-dependent one in my marriage and it sucks

i just recently found out that i am a co-dependent person. i've been searching for a couple years as to what the answer is to my problems... i finally found it.

the problem is, my wife has been at her wits end several times with me becasue of the problems that my co-dependency causes.

the GOOD news is that besides my quirks (co-dependency issues and the associated headaches) my wife has agreed that i'm worth staying with.. (guess that's good news)

i have begun counselling for my co-dependency. i really need to get over it. i'll be a much happier person because of it. I'm very thankful for having a wife with a tremendous amount of love and patience for me.


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