# I am a different person after marriage



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

My husband is a shy guy & an introvert and doesn't enjoy being in a group. I have a couple of close friends (like my sisters) and their families who stay nearby .. we used to hang out and meet around weekends before I got married and it used to be lot of fun. However since my husband doesn't enjoy meeting my friends and in general is not a social person it is an effort to get him to meet them. So ultimately I don't get to meet my friends often any more. Once in a while I plan a girls day out, and maybe we meet once in 6 months or so for special occasions while rest of my group hangs out together more often. I feel I am phasing out of my friend circle and feel lonely at times  I used to be the person organizing fun stuff before marriage and now I am the one coming up with excuses on how I can skip coming to a get-together because my husband is not up for it. 

My husband as well as my friends are all good people. Its just that it would have been so much easier if my husband would have been a little more social or accommodating. He also does not like it if I propose I go out and meet them alone once in a while.. which is actually not what I want anyways, because my friends would be with their husbands and I would like to be with mine as well.

I don't want to fight or coax him to meet my friends, however I don't want to end up being a different person after marriage. I don't know what to do? Can someone help me... Is there a way to make the husband little accommodating or socially accessible without fighting with him? :scratchhead:


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Can you tell us a little about what you've tried with your husband thus far? For example, have you been able to talk with him and say "I understand that you do not have as much of a social need as I do. That's okay if you don't. Is there a way we can compromise on this? Maybe instead of every 2 weeks like I would have done before, maybe we can shoot for getting together with friends every 4 weeks?" 

Or ask him what level of contact he can live with and express your level of need in this area? Does he understand differing levels of social need?

I think it would be helpful in helping you if we know what kinds of conversations you have had thus far.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I've been pondering this one. I have a few easily observable facts that clarify at least some things.

Your marriage has changed you. That is to be expected. You can't add an entirely new person into your life and not have some radical changes. BUT... you need to evaluate whether those changes are ultimately good for you or bad for you. One of those means a great marriage. The other means a toxic marriage. If the answer ends up being "toxic" then you must, in the end, fix that or leave the situation.

So that maybe helps shed some light on your choices. Insofar as the problem itself, I have two questions:

- Why won't your husband let you go out by yourself if you want to and he does not?
- Does he REALLY know the trouble this is causing you?
- If so, why doesn't he care?

No, you can't make him do things... not in a healthy marriage. The question in my mind is why isn't HE making himself do things?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

First of all, you ARE a differnt person after marriage. If you wanted a single life style hanging out with your friends, you should have stayed single. With that said, it doesn't mean you have to abandon the people and actvities you love as long as they are not detrimental to the marriage. How frequently are you wanting to have these get togethers? I you trying to do this every weekend? or 1 a month? Certainly some compromise frequency would be acceptable to your hubby...


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Certainly some compromise frequency would be acceptable to your hubby...


I'm not naive. I get why compromises are used so I don't think that statement is wrong. But the problem I have with compromise is that it implies you are in a zero-sum game with your spouse. I prefer to play the marriage game as a team sport. Obviously, this couple isn't working as a team right now so the big question in my mind is "why not?" not "how can we do more fair time scheduling?"


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> I'm not naive. I get why compromises are used so I don't think that statement is wrong. But the problem I have with compromise is that it implies you are in a zero-sum game with your spouse. I prefer to play the marriage game as a team sport. Obviously, this couple isn't working as a team right now so the big question in my mind is "why not?" not "how can we do more fair time scheduling?"


Huhh?

The OP has already stated that her hubby is not interested in these friends or these get togethers, personally. So this will be some sort of give and take. It doesn't have to be zero sum, but it will be a compromise. Perhaps the compromise would include soemthing on another weekend that hubby enjoys that lead to a positive sum outcome.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

KanDo said:


> The OP has already stated that her hubby is not interested in these friends or these get togethers, personally.


Agreed. That's my question? Why not? Why isn't he getting interested because of her interest? Why isn't the marriage behaving like a team? I suspect that answer to that question leads to interesting revelations about satisfaction on both sides. I think those revelations would be useful.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

eowyn said:


> However since my husband doesn't enjoy meeting my friends and in general is not a social person it is an effort to get him to meet them. So ultimately I don't get to meet my friends often any more.


Leave your husband at home while you go out and have fun. I hate dancing, so I stay home when the gf and her friends go out dancing.




> My husband as well as my friends are all good people. Its just that it would have been so much easier if my husband would have been a little more social or accommodating. He also does not like it if I propose I go out and meet them alone once in a while.. which is actually not what I want anyways, because my friends would be with their husbands and I would like to be with mine as well.


Your heart is in the right place, but you need to stop reward his behavior. You stay home because he asked you to stay home. What did that just teach him? If he asks you to stay home, you will. What will he do next time? Ask you to stay home again. Take a firm but polite position and stand your ground. Say you're going out with your friends and he is welcome to come along if he wants. Tone of voice and body language are very important when doing this. If you sound upset or not overly happy, it will seem very confrontational, almost like you're just trying to do the opposite of what he wants. You need to be happy and smiling when you say this.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are married, not joined at the hip. You each still get to have your own interests. As long as you are not going clubbing dressed for action, you should have fun with your friends. Calmly tell your husband that you understand he does not enjoy social interaction, but this is important to you. Denying your feelings will only lead to resentment, and resentment kills love.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Can you tell us a little about what you've tried with your husband thus far? For example, have you been able to talk with him and say "I understand that you do not have as much of a social need as I do. That's okay if you don't. Is there a way we can compromise on this? Maybe instead of every 2 weeks like I would have done before, maybe we can shoot for getting together with friends every 4 weeks?"
> 
> Or ask him what level of contact he can live with and express your level of need in this area? Does he understand differing levels of social need?
> 
> I think it would be helpful in helping you if we know what kinds of conversations you have had thus far.


Thank you Shy Guy,

I have tried to talk on these lines with my husband, although I am not sure how effectively and how far I succeeded (probably not much) I can give it another shot. Usually this is how things happen...
1. I get an invitation from my friends for a get-together 2 weeks from now
2. I ponder on when to talk about it with my husband and how to present it so that I can get an 'okay' out from him
3. I tell him about the invite sometime in the evening
4. He says lets think about it (not sure why he says that) but doesn't answer right away most of the times. 
5. My friend checks back. I tell her I will get back to her in couple of days and I also prep her for a fictional excuse which is basically a lie (eg. we might go out for a trip that same weekend, in case we dont go we will join in.. when in fact we have no plans for a trip)
5. I check back after couple of days with my husband, he says he doesn't feel up for it or some excuse which is mostly lame. 
6. I get upset in my mind and feel why can't he accommodate even little bit for me.. for the little happiness this would give me if he could give couple of hrs to spend time with my friends for my sake. I feel I try my best to be a good wife and my husband agrees on that. However why can't he reciprocate likewise? Should the wife always be the one expected to compromise. Anyways these are the negative thoughts I get which I don't feel good about.
7. I tell my friend we cant come because we are going for the trip which is a lie. I feel guilty about it. However I don't want to tell her that my husband doesn't like their company or is a major introvert. So i lie and cover up. 
8. Alternatively if my husband agrees to go in step#5, on the day we have to go for the get-together he is not too happy and says do we really have to go etc etc.. and I feel that I am dragging him which is not a good feeling either.

Eventually invitation from friends becomes a sensitive topic 

I don't want to force my husband into doing anything. But seriously in marriage there needs to be a midpoint and some 'happy compromising'... I am doing my bit. For example, I would always watch food channel by default, my husband likes to watch stuff like law & order. Initially I didn't like watching law & order but I genuinely tried to enjoy it and eventually I started to like it. Not that I can watch it for hrs, but I tried and I was able to genuinely change my taste for my husband's sake. Why can't my husband make an effort? 

Additional inputs - one of the reasons my husband is a shy guy is because he comes from a family that has not been nice to him and in general is very cautious about people

Are there any marriage related books that could be helpful. Also I can talk again with him regarding this.. your inputs on this wld be helpful as well. Also when we quantify how do we set and moreover keep track of rules such as 'meet friends once in a month' .. do i keep logs, what if we dont meet in 2 months can i rollover the extra visit etc. Just thinking loud how we can work around practically if we were to come up with some protocols as a part of our discussion


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> Agreed. That's my question? Why not? Why isn't he getting interested because of her interest? Why isn't the marriage behaving like a team? I suspect that answer to that question leads to interesting revelations about satisfaction on both sides. I think those revelations would be useful.


I agree with you guys that there would be changes in a person's life after marriage and I am happy about those changes. To quantify I would say I would meet my friends every other weekend before marriage. I now expect that we could atleast meet them once a months or so. However at present we meet roughly once every 4 months or so and that has to be a pre-planned well thought about proposal to get my husband to meet them. 

My husband cares for me and loves me and I think he would be accommodating but I don't know how to make him see it when I am the second person. If I would have been his friend I would have been able to make this point in a more effective way that he needs to be more accommodating towards his wife. However being the wife it is perceived in a different manner.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Leave your husband at home while you go out and have fun. I hate dancing, so I stay home when the gf and her friends go out dancing.
> 
> 
> 
> Your heart is in the right place, but you need to stop reward his behavior. You stay home because he asked you to stay home. What did that just teach him? If he asks you to stay home, you will. What will he do next time? Ask you to stay home again. Take a firm but polite position and stand your ground. Say you're going out with your friends and he is welcome to come along if he wants. Tone of voice and body language are very important when doing this. If you sound upset or not overly happy, it will seem very confrontational, almost like you're just trying to do the opposite of what he wants. You need to be happy and smiling when you say this.


I agree, and I will try to do this.. The only problem is that mostly this question arises during weekends when there are two options (1) hang out with friends with their families without my husband (2) hang out with my husband. And it therefore becomes an implicit choice .. that I am choosing friends over husband. If he has his day planned for something else (e.g. he has to work all day) it would be easier for me to propose tht I go out alone but that is not usually the case.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> You are married, not joined at the hip. You each still get to have your own interests. As long as you are not going clubbing dressed for action, you should have fun with your friends. Calmly tell your husband that you understand he does not enjoy social interaction, but this is important to you. Denying your feelings will only lead to resentment, and resentment kills love.


Nothing close to clubbing, forget about dressed for action  These are just couple of close friends with their husbands and kids, and seriously all nice people (my husband says his wavelength doesn't match with the husband of one of my friends however he has never been offensive or anything. he is a good person too). We just meet, chat, watch tv, probably have dinner, tea etc. We don't even drink alcohol .. just some nice time with the group which should be fun.

Resentment is what I am scared of. You got it absolutely right! My husband really loves me but I fail to understand how he fails to understand that these little things matters to me... Resentment is the natural feeling that I get and I would really do whatever it takes to stay few miles away from that feeling.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Nothing close to clubbing, forget about dressed for action  These are just couple of close friends with their husbands and kids, and seriously all nice people (my husband says his wavelength doesn't match with the husband of one of my friends however he has never been offensive or anything. he is a good person too). We just meet, chat, watch tv, probably have dinner, tea etc. We don't even drink alcohol .. just some nice time with the group which should be fun.
> 
> Resentment is what I am scared of. You got it absolutely right! My husband really loves me but I fail to understand how he fails to understand that these little things matters to me... Resentment is the natural feeling that I get and I would really do whatever it takes to stay few miles away from that feeling.


Ok, so I really wish I could talk to him. This is unreasonable. You are looking for a once a month thing. I don't see why he cannot suck it up and step out of his shell for this. No big deal. If it was weekly then I get it.

This is something he needs to do. It would actually be good for him.

I am always pushing His Needs Her Needs for truing up emotional needs and for boundaries. You might try using this as a basis and tell him that you have a need for him to be by you as your husband in these social ineractions. He needs to be very clear that this is truly important to you. He is being a PITA and is just hoping this goes away. 

It is unfair for you to have to attend this without your husband. He needs to man-up and play his role. He should be proud to be seen as your husband and happy that you want everyione to know this.

He needs the proverbial 2 x 4.

Are any of these husbands an ex-BF of yours?


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok, so I really wish I could talk to him. This is unreasonable. You are looking for a once a month thing. I don't see why he cannot suck it up and step out of is shell for this. No bug deal. If it was weekly then I get it.
> 
> This is something he needs to do. It would actually be good for him.
> 
> ...


Thankyou Entropy3000!

No, None of these are my ex-BF.. infact the friend's husbands are like my brothers. My husband is the only guy I dated.. I come from the world of arranged marriages but we are not extremely conservative  

I couldn't understand what priverbial 2 x 4 and PITA means?

I will certainly grab a copy of the book you recommend and will read it with my husband. I wish there were some marriage protocols in place for the society.. something like a training on how to compromise, where to set boundaries etc.. like a driver's license test, i wish we had to read some of these books and give a written exam to get the marriage license. it would have been so much easier that way 

please do suggest any other good books you might have in mind. i read somewhere that 'love busters' is also a good book. do you think i should order that as well?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I agree, and I will try to do this.. The only problem is that mostly this question arises during weekends when there are two options (1) hang out with friends with their families without my husband (2) hang out with my husband. And it therefore becomes an implicit choice .. that I am choosing friends over husband.


Instead of saying one choice is always right and one choice is always wrong, try weighing the options every time and pick the one you want. That way you're not _always_ ditching your husband and you're not _always_ ditching your friends.
The two choices won't always have the same weight. It seems perfectly reasonable to ditch your husband so you can go to something like a dinner theatre with friends. Ditching him just to "hang out" with friends could hurt his feelings.





> If he has his day planned for something else (e.g. he has to work all day) it would be easier for me to propose tht I go out alone but that is not usually the case.


Is it possible that your husband isn't really an introvert, but that he has an anxiety disorder? Introverted people often don't care too much for social interaction. I'm an introvert, and I can go entire days without talking to another person. It doesn't bother me at all. If your husband is introverted, the thought of being left alone shouldn't bother him so much. Being an introvert doesn't mean I can't talk to people. I love talking to people, but I don't need to talk to people.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Thankyou Entropy3000!
> 
> No, None of these are my ex-BF.. infact the friend's husbands are like my brothers. My husband is the only guy I dated.. I come from the world of arranged marriages but we are not extremely conservative
> 
> ...


I had a lot of typos. I meant proverbial 2 x 4. meaning he needs to smack in the head, like "what are your thinking, just od this".

PITA, well Pain In The @ss. meaning he is being overly difficult about this.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

eowyn said:


> Thank you Shy Guy,
> 
> I have tried to talk on these lines with my husband, although I am not sure how effectively and how far I succeeded (probably not much) I can give it another shot. Usually this is how things happen...
> 1. I get an invitation from my friends for a get-together 2 weeks from now
> ...


Wow, that's a lot of lying you are doing to your friends. 

Frankly, you are making it easy for him to be a stick in the mud. You are choosing to lie for him, you are choosing not to go by yourself, you are letting him passive-aggressively control your social life (by whining about going out, and asking why do we have to go so that's it's too much hassle. He's no different than a 5 year old who delays and whines about cleaning his room).

In order to change his behavior, you have to change yours. Stop accommodating him to the point of losing your friends. That's not healthy. Don't let him isolate you from your friends. 

He doesn't like going out? Fine. Invite your friends to _*your *_house for dinner and tv watching. Host the evenings at home. 

Go to some of those events by yourself, and let him stay home. Do that a few times, and he'll start joining you - believe me. 

And if he agrees to go out, but then starts whining about it when it is time to go, ignore the whining. Eventually, he'll stop whining when he sees it doesn't do any good.

He's an adult with wife. Don't give in to his selfish, childish behavior.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that differing degrees of sociability is an issue in many relationships. In our marriage I am more introverted than my husband, and we have negotiated this by him understanding that I do not share his social interests. He belongs to an adult soccer club and is a volunteer firefighter, both of which have social events that I do not attend. 

He wants me to go to their picnics and dinners, but he understands that I am miserable making small talk with people I do not know. I am comfortable with only a few friends, and I do not enjoy being in a large group of people. My idea of fun is solitary activities like hiking, biking, reading, and gardening.

Does your husband enjoy dinner with just one other couple? It may be that he is uncomfortable in a larger group. Can you create social events with his friends? You can probably think of other creative ways to compromise on this issue. 

The one thing to be careful of is that he is meeting your needs for affection. You do not want to start looking to others for attention and affection while he sits at home by himself. Make sure that you do not cross boundaries when you are in social groups without him being there.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks all for your advice! It was indeed very helpful to get different perspectives. Moreover I felt so good to talk about this to someone. As you can imagine I haven't spoken about this to anyone (family or friends) since I don't want them to judge my husband in any way. 

So this is what I told him (and I had few other points as well, this being one of them) -

I tried to make him understand that our social needs are different and I cannot come all the way to his end of the number-line, we need to meet in the middle and there needs to be a balance. Initially he got a little resentful and said you can meet them without me. I said, yes that is a good idea but that doesn't make sense all the time since he is my husband and not my roommate. 

I also tried to understand what issues he had meeting them. One of the things he said was that he cannot come up with topics to discuss with the husband's of my friends which to some extent is right, but is somewhat lame. As I type this (I did not say this at the time) I am thinking that instead of get-togethers I could propose group activities where there is not much talking or 'coming up with topics' involved. 

The other thing he mentioned was that (and this I know is a valid point) his first language and the first language of me and rest of my group is different, and while he does understand what is being spoken it is difficult for him to actively participate. A workaround for this is probably that I can propose to meet them one-couple at a time. That way i can drive the conversation and make sure we speak a common language. 

Thirdly, i am also thinking i need to take initiative and interact with people outside my close friend circle so he gets used to interacting in a social environment and gets more comfortable in general. It wld be good for our social life as well.

At the end I couldn't get him to commit to a quantitative protocol (once a month) but he said he would be okay meeting the group occasionally and is okay if I go and meet them when he doesn't feel like. I hope he sticks to what he said. My friends have a lunch planned next week and I am planning to go alone and see how that goes just to kindof get started on that "pattern" while it is still fresh in discussion. I hope there is no emotional drama at the time  I will also work on the above workarounds although I didn't discuss them elaborately when we were talking. 

I hope I made some progress. Lets see.....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Thanks all for your advice! It was indeed very helpful to get different perspectives. Moreover I felt so good to talk about this to someone. As you can imagine I haven't spoken about this to anyone (family or friends) since I don't want them to judge my husband in any way.
> 
> So this is what I told him (and I had few other points as well, this being one of them) -
> 
> ...


Ok, now you brought up some important info that you didn't share before. It is incredibly rude to drag your husband to a social event where he doesn't speak the language being spoken. I have been in that circumstance, sitting for hours and getting 1 out of every 5 words. This is disrespectful of your husband and I too would tell you I am not interested. You need to develope a cadre of friends who are friends of the two of you and stop isolating your husband.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

eowyn said:


> Thanks all for your advice! It was indeed very helpful to get different perspectives. Moreover I felt so good to talk about this to someone. As you can imagine I haven't spoken about this to anyone (family or friends) since I don't want them to judge my husband in any way.
> 
> So this is what I told him (and I had few other points as well, this being one of them) -
> 
> ...


:slap: Sorry we did not ask if there was a language barrier. This makes a big difference. His reluctance is much more understandable.

No wonder!!!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great approach, eowyn! Entropy is right, the language barrier makes a huge difference. You have a good attitude; I predict a fulfilling marriage for you!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Thank you lovesherman!

Just to clarify, the language difference is not as bad as I might have projected. My husband speaks the other language quite fluently, just that it's not his first language. Also I had told my friends early on and I keep reminding them to speak a common language when we are in a group, and most of the times (85-90% or so) the conversation is in English or in his language. They are making progress on making sure we talk a common language and I will make sure that happens (these girls are like my sisters and i can nag them on this) however without practice it is slightly difficult.

Also, other than the language difference me and my husband also differ in our dietary habits. My husband is a vegetarian. I gave up cooking non-veg at home after marriage since my husband is not comfortable. I was not too happy about it, especially since he didn't mention that before marriage (or maybe he assumed). I wouldn't have expected him to make that compromise if it was the other way. Anyways, I try to understand and have made my peace with it. However just makes me think that both of us need to live and adapt to these kind of differences which are normal in any marriage and find a common ground. If I can make an effort from my side, I hope it is reasonable to expect my husband to make an effort as well. I don't even expect him to learn my language, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult being part of the group for 2-3 hrs a month with the above situation, especially since I converse in his language at home (I wasn't very fluent in his language to begin with). I hope with this additional information what I expect from my husband is a reasonable-enough expectation?


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Men have their woman should gain their presence and you have a full emptiness always available so what you ask?


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