# messed up and paying the price



## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

Hi All, I am new here and this is my first post and boy could I do with some help.
I have been married to my wife now for 34 yrs and during that time our sex life has never been that frequent but i appreciate that peoples needs are different. Never the less I have found it very frustrating at times.
I have tried to spice things up(toys etc) and make them more exciting for her but not got anywhere realy. She tells me that she sees sex as a duty which leads to believe I am not that good at it.

Anyway, in an attempt to spice things up I secretly recorded us
"in action" with a view to watching the footage together. When I viewed it myself I was ashamed and too embarassed to share it with her. My wife discovered the video and went balistic, this was 3 months ago. She now says she loves me but is not attracted to me, does not want me to touch her. we are now in a sexless marriage.

I know what I did was wrong and I never intended to hurt her but it looks like my stupidity could well cost me marriage.

Is what I did realy so bad. Your thoughts would be much appreciated but go easy I am feeling very broken just now.
It feels like I am cheating just writing this.

cheers for now


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, I feel for you. I find it heartbreaking that you couldn't tell her in advance and that, since you didn't, she isn't able to understand that you're trying to take responsibility for something so you can be a better guy for her. 

I can't help but suspect that her aversion is because you're getting too close to the truth - that she feels safe in saying it's a "duty" and not having to be responsive, and any attempt on your part to get to the root of the problem poses a threat to her. 

You say sex has never been that frequent. It's possible that she has always seen it as a duty, and that her views may be due to an overly-religious upbringing or sexual abuse in her past. If so, you may or may not be sexually "talented" and it wouldn't matter. Also, if this is true, your filming the encounter is secretly a relief to her since it gives her the ultimate safety - a way to avoid being a sexually responsive partner. Because her "duty" hasn't changed - she's still your wife. The filming didn't change that. 

Out of curiosity, why did you feel ashamed and embarrassed to show it to her?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> I know what I did was wrong and I never intended to hurt her but it looks like my stupidity could well cost me marriage.


Your wife has not participated properly in your marriage for 35 years. You made one mistake, which was a result of your sexual frustration building up over 35 years. Even though your wife has not contributed over the 35 year period, oddly it is you who are begging to find a way to get back into her good graces after you made one mistake. Can you see anything wrong with your picture.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I would be pissed if hubs secretly taped me....but.....I would not go postal about it & cut off sex.

Politely & firmly tell her that no sex is not okay with you & provide some solutions (counseling, etc.).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I've gone back and forth on the no sex thing.

First, yeah you were wrong for taping it. You should have had her consent. Period.

As far as a sexless marriage goes, there's something there that makes her not into you. Could be things you do, the way you look, etc... or it could be 100% her fault.

What I did was explain that a fulfilling, intimate, sexual relationship needs to be part of the marriage. If she can't deliver on that, you can't deliver on her needs.

Now she may come back and tell you you haven't been delivering on her needs right along so then you have to understand her needs and make sure they are fulfilled.

If you fulfill her needs and nothing changes, you have to point that out and then stop fulfilling her needs. Explain that you can't make a one-sided effort to make the marriage work and that while you promised monogamy, you didn't promise celibacy.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

goyaboard1 said:


> I have tried to spice things up(toys etc) and make them more exciting for her but not got anywhere realy. She tells me that she sees sex as a duty which leads to believe I am not that good at it.


 Really? You are trying to spice things up for HER? Lets be honest here, you were trying to spice things up for yourself. There isn't any shame in admitting that. But at least be honest about your intent.

Yes, I would be pissed if my H videotaped us having sex without my consent. Hurt, betrayed, and probably wouldn't really trust him to not do it again. 

I think you would do yourself some good to look into being honest with yourself, and honest with your wife. I don't agree with my H on some things in our sex life. That does NOT give me permission to do things without his consent, but it does give me the option to choose whether or not I will stay in the relationship that isn't meeting my needs.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I would be pissed if hubs secretly taped me....but.....I would not go postal about it & cut off sex.
> 
> Politely & firmly tell her that no sex is not okay with you & provide some solutions (counseling, etc.).


Yeah, thats borderline creepy.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Sounds to me like you provided her with a very convenient excuse to not have sex with you.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Doing that without her CONSENT is very creepy. All good sexual relations are based on consent.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think it just gave her more justification to not have sex with you.

Sure its creepy, but its not like this is all out of the blue, You mentioned the toys and trying to spice the sex up, so IMHO there was a valid intent here...not just some random act of weirdness.

As far as the lack of sex goes she is breaking a vow and it may be time to inform her you are moving on.

But after 34 yrs I would exhuast every avenue in forcing her to get into MC and get thru this half @ss attempt to spice up the marriage. 

On a side note here, sometimes just a little back rub will do the trick


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

thanks for all the comments.
firstly, I did not show her the video because I felt inside that it was wrong to have filmed us and that I had betrayed her trust, so it all had a reverse effect . Yes, I hoped it would spice things up for me as well and why not, sex is a mutual thing.

My wife has not had any sexual partners other than me, maybe that is an issue for her, lack of experience , confidence etc.
I am not an overdemanding guy and I don't just want the sex to be about me, I need her to enjoy it to, look forward to it and even initiate from time to time.
She is a stunning looking woman and creates a lot of attention where ever she goes and I always make a point of telling her just that. After all these years she has been my best pal , soul mate, mum to our 2 fine grown up kids but I so desperately want her to be my lover to. I would love to catch her looking at me from across room with a look in her eyes that says "wait till I get you home boy" or maybe a cheeky grab at my bum sometimes. I believe I am a good looking older guy who has looked after himself, kept in muscular shape even got a six pack,own teeth and a good head of hair but i am just not turning her head it seems

This walking on egg shells in fear of wronging her is not going to work, feeling like a wimp in my own house with everything feeling like it is on her terms. Maybe I should throw her over my muscular shoulders and whisk her off to bed but , to be honest, the fear of rejection is so great that even a simple hug feels like a trauma in the making.

I am not defending my actions with the filming, as some of you have said, it was a touch creepy. In hind sight I feel the same way to and I all out of sorries on that score. I do want our marriage to survive but I don't know if it can without sex.
Imagine how tough it is to sleep next to a gorgeous woman that you cannot touch.
I know I have bought this on myself to a certain extent but I also think It has bought some other issues to the forefront.

Bottom line is that I am only human and that does not realy qualify me to deal with this. I know I have a choice to walk away and maybe find some else, My wife could also do the same, the thought of being with someone makes me feel quite ill at the moment.

thanks for reading


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lighten up on yourself.

yes it was wrong. but you tried to help things in a very awakward way.


I would sit her down and tell her that she has been indifferent to your sexuall needs your whole marriage and that although you love her and desire her you are not getting the same feeling in return and its starting to be a deal breaker for you.

offer some MC and open the lines of comunication give it a time frame ....6months to a year and then if your not happy throw in the towel. usually things don't change unless there is very real consequences for them.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

In a lot of places filming or photographing someone unsuspectingly in the nude, or having sex is a criminal offense. 

Check to see the minimum/maximum terms of incarceration, or fines in your state... then, when that's over, explain to your wife that you've "done your time" in a huge apology.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

HuggyBear said:


> In a lot of places filming or photographing someone unsuspectingly in the nude, or having sex is a criminal offense.
> 
> Check to see the minimum/maximum terms of incarceration


Yeah right he should check to see how much jail time he could face if she presses charges and he's found guilty. That will fix everything for sure!

/sarcasm off


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Time for MC. What you did was wrong but shouldn't be a marriage breaker after 35 years together. Everyone makes mistakes. You realize you were wrong and apologized for it. Now it's time for both of you to move on. If she's using this as an excuse to be in a sexless marriage then it's not fair. Tell her that a sexless marriage is not an option for you, period the end. Would she like to go to marriage counseling to sort this out. If she says no then start counseling yourself and start disconnecting from her in other ways. When she asks why tell her again that being in a sexless marriage is not an option for you.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

I can understand yours wife's reaction. Just look at how many sex videos get uploaded to the Internet these days. Your wife may have thought you were going to secretly send it off to one of those websites. School boy error I'm afraid.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

thanks for all the replies,helped me a lot.
it is now 4 months without any intimacy between us at all, peck on the cheek when I go to work and thats it.
I know I messed up and I have apologised over and over, being extra helpful around the house and trying not to upset her in any way but this seems to have a negative effect so I am done with all that.
I guess i am now trying to distance myself in an emotional way,self preservation I guess. I still feel that the episode has served as an excuse to a bigger isssue for my wife.

I now go about my busy in a cheery manner and if she wants to join in with that then fine, if not, then tough. 
I like to go to the gym and will continue to do so, my wife questioned why i go so often, i said that " i may not be attractive to you but that does not mean I have to let myself go". I suppose its a form of "to hell with the nice guy" but I am not going out of my way to be mean, just trying to move on.

Bottom line is, if my wife doesn't think she will ever love me again in a way that a wife should love her husband then the marriage will end for the sake of my sanity and self esteem as well as hers i suspect.
That is a question I intend to ask some time soon.

Oh , quick question. when my wife said she needed space and time on her own I asked if it would help if i moved out for a short while. Her response was " oh yeah, where would you go".

The response I would have liked would have been, no please, dont do that, it wont help, we need to work this out together.

many thanks for your help


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I think at some point you have to take a more aggressive role. She is punishing you. You deserved to be punished for a while, but you've done your time and learned your lesson.
You were not trying post videos to the Internet or share them with others. You were probably going to use them for your own pleasure, which is why you didn't delete the video after the first viewing. And you probably felt like you needed to do that because you were not getting enough sex from her. You could have turned to porn, but instead you wanted to enjoy the video of your wife, not an actress. So I don't think you deserve the treatment you are getting.

First off, delete the video securely so it can't be used against you if you do split up. You don't want to show up in court. Get some software to securely wipe your computer.
Next, apologize one last time, and then tell her that you are done being punished, and you want to know if she has any intentions of making this work or not. You can't go through another 20-30 years of mental abuse for a stupid mistake that you made. Tell her that you will do anything to make it work but she needs to tell you how to do that. If she doesn't want it to work, then the video was a convenient excuse for her to use instead of telling you what is really going on.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> thanks for all the replies,helped me a lot.
> it is now 4 months without any intimacy between us at all, peck on the cheek when I go to work and thats it.
> I know I messed up and I have apologised over and over, being extra helpful around the house and trying not to upset her in any way but this seems to have a negative effect so I am done with all that.
> I guess i am now trying to distance myself in an emotional way,self preservation I guess. I still feel that the episode has served as an excuse to a bigger isssue for my wife.
> ...


She flat out has no respect for you. I suggest you find a flat, pack your bags and leave a note. She does not take you seriously but she does take your for granted. You should be pissed off.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HuggyBear said:


> In a lot of places filming or photographing someone unsuspectingly in the nude, or having sex is a criminal offense.
> 
> Check to see the minimum/maximum terms of incarceration, or fines in your state... then, when that's over, explain to your wife that you've "done your time" in a huge apology.


:lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:

UFB

Hopefully he will not expose himself to her. He could be picked up for that too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> thanks for all the replies,helped me a lot.
> it is now 4 months without any intimacy between us at all, peck on the cheek when I go to work and thats it.
> I know I messed up and I have apologised over and over, being extra helpful around the house and trying not to upset her in any way but this seems to have a negative effect so I am done with all that.
> I guess i am now trying to distance myself in an emotional way,self preservation I guess. I still feel that the episode has served as an excuse to a bigger isssue for my wife.
> ...


Stop going to work. Why are you going to work? Out of duty?


BTW no sex and her wanting space could mean she has a friend.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Try going to a sex therapist with her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'd say it's time to move out. Cut her off financially and emotionally. The fact is she doesn't respect you and she thinks you have no options. She thinks you are too weak to make it on your own. She doesn't think you can pull another woman.

4 months??? Ya, time to get out. You need to be willing to lose it all in order to save it.

Oh, and sex therapists are for couples who both want to work on sex. Not for convincing your wife to have sex with you. Maybe marriage counseling, but not sex therapy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you sit her down.

Tell her you have been punished enough for the videotaping. Now it's time to get on with your marriage.
Tell her that you will not stay in a sexless marriage. That her withhold all these years has been emotional abuse and you refuse to put up with it any longer. Either she agrees to start being sexual with you again or you are filing for divorce. If she needs to go to a marriage counselor… especially one who espicalizes in sex therapy you will be glad to do that. But you are not going to live in a sexless marriage. You are also not going to move out the your home until the divorce is final. 

Don’t move, she has no right to kick you are. She is the one who is acting out.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

You made a mistake. 
Humans do that. 
Why did you? Becasue you are unhappy. 
You are unhappy about the lack of sex. 
My advice: divorce. 
She wont change, probably doesnt truly love you, if she did why wouldnt she want to make love to you? 
Oh, I suppose "some" people have medical reasons, issues, blah, blah...whatever....
Lack of sex is not fun. It isnt worth it. Sex = Good. Good is what you want to be, therfore go for it and get more sex, if not with her then move on. 
Life is too short. Why sacrifice your happiness while you wait to die?

Sorry. IMHO.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

goyaboard1 said:


> I asked if it would help if i moved out for a short while. Her response was " oh yeah, where would you go".
> 
> The response I would have liked would have been, no please, dont do that, it wont help, we need to work this out together.


So you didn't really intend to follow through on moving out when you posed the question because you were expecting a different result.

Bad idea to throw cards on the table and up the ante when you're not holding at least a pair of aces.

Now you've lost even more credibility in her eyes and it goes almost without saying that her response to your question was one of almost complete and utter disdain.

Too bad you didn't ask us about that one beforehand, I'm sure the overwhelming response would have been to sit tight and just play it cool. Now, if you leave you're sort of screwed and if you stay she'll be all smug thinking you're just full of BS.

Don't mention it again, and don't be surprised if she asks you in a few days or a week if you've given more thought to finding another place to stay.

At which point I'd say "I changed my mind" and just leave it at that.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

*Re: messed up and paying the price (update)*

just to update those of you that have followed this.
we are now sleeping in seperate rooms and I think I can see where this is heading.
building myself up to ask her if she is intending to divorce me but I am scared of the reply I think I will get.
I think if she loves me but is not in love with me then she should let me go before we destroy each other completely.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

...sounds like your ship is definitely sinking and, excuse my bluntness, but it seems you've done very little since video day to salvage the marriage. 

If it's any consolation, the video thing was totally harmless and almost understandable (from a sad and lonely male point of view). It seems your relationship was sinking long before this event. 

You need to think about how you are going to be with yourself for the period after you part ways. Might you not feel better about yourself if you take some control and jump before you ask her to push you?

Apologies for the excessive maritime metaphors.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

well, got round to telling my wife that she needs to make her decision either way because we can't continue like this any longer ( seperate beds etc) and I am no prepared to have a sexless marriage. She says she can,t make herself love me in "that way" but she loves me in every other way. I replied that there is the fundamental issue, I love her in all ways.

When I told her that seperate beds for me was hell she said she finds it a relief because there is no pressure to have sex!!!!!!!!
Noticed some unusual cash withdrawals on our bank statements
recently ( maybe just paranoid) wife has always dealt with the finances but got well upset when I questioned it.

Bottom line is I feel emotionaly destroyed, don't feel much like a proper man at all, damaged, scared, and very lost. I have decided to get a free session with a solicitor to find out what
financial carnage I can expect if I file for a divorce. Half my pension, half house and most likely spousal maintainance as I earn 3 time my wifes salary as she chooses to only work 3 days a week.
desperate times, I realy need to save my soul somehow.

thanks for listening


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP... you REALLY messed up. If she hasn't left you then you have a chance. I feel sorry for you but you did this.

Only path you have...

Look in the mirror
Deeply apologize type it and read it and give it to her.
Become a better man for yourself
Consider going to an over sexed therapy group to show her you are trying to remedy things.
Hope your wife sees consistency and change in you to feel
desire for you again. <---- after YEARS of this you may have paid back enough.
Watch for her infidelity as payback for your deviant behavior.
You broke her trust...that's huge!
She now has your balls in her sling. You are now no longer a husband but a deviant.

You messed up... I do not give your situation great hope.

Just remember if she were done she'd be gone already. 
She now owns your butt. Your fault. She probably will torture you by withholding sex.
Women can be cruel... you are nothing right now to her.
You were cruel... see how that works?

If you want to repair your violation of trust... shut up become a better man and be prepared for a long term sexless marriage. Congrats. Join the club.

Good luck.

BTW you have NO RIGHT to demand anything of her. You screwed up... Suck it up big guy.
You better back off and quick if you want to remain married and be prepared for YEARS of sexlessness... that will be the last thing to get resolved.

You are scared and not thinking straight. I've been there listen to me.
I'm giving my wife FOUR years and I did nothing close to what you did.

Or do her a favor and divorce her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

No no no

Stop apologizing 

You have shown your remorse

She is simply looking for an excuse to stop something she never liked. 

Did you ever ask her what she does and or does not like in terms of touch.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Creepy, a little maybe. However, the intent was ok--to better the marriage. Was it self serving...partially I think sure--if she didnt like it you have it to fill in for the void. 

A reason for divorce..no. But sounds like she is using as a good excuse to cut you off.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OP... you REALLY messed up. If she hasn't left you then you have a chance. I feel sorry for you but you did this.
> 
> Only path you have...
> 
> ...


Disagree on the apology. You apologized. No amount of future apologizing will help. In fact, it allows her to fall back on your mistake and take the high moral ground needed to "justify" her position.

And she's not "done". She feels she does have him by the balls and the status quo of him being on his heels and accepting of a sexless marriage is exactly where she wants him.

She will always point to the taping incident as the cause for problems and totally disregard the fact that the marriage was in trouble before that, and that is the issue that needs to be addressed.

If she won't go to marriage counseling, go alone and learn (a) how to live in this situation, (b) how to change the marriage for the better or (c) how to get out of the marriage.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

And what has she contributed to the relationship since she found the video? Sounds like squat to me. It is easy enough to jump on the bandwagon and agree that the video is not only in bad taste but is crossed a line that should not have been crossed.

It does sound like you have tried to make amends and it has only made her push you farther away. Her making that statement that she loves you every way, except physically, is a deal breaker. Nobody signs on for that when they get married. Time to go the legal route and see if that process will wake her up. This is not about money it is about self respect.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I will echo what others have said - It isn't about the video. 

You mentioned letting her make the decision about divorce. Grab your balls buddy and make a decision based on you and your needs as a priority. 

She also gave you the " I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. She also said she needs time and space. Also unexplained withdrawn money. These are huge red flags in the CWI section. 

She's playing an end game here stringing you along like a needy puppy. Separate finances now.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

*Re: messed up and paying the price( sad sad day)*

well , it has now come to this. I have agreed to move out for 6 months to give her the space she says she needs and to see if me being away helps her to feel better about me and then maybe back together again Don't kow how this will all play out,
at 58 years old it feels terrifying. I have had some lows in my life but this is a whole new level. Feel like i want to crawl under a rock, too emotional to communicate with people face to face.
It was a tough decision to make and I hope to god it repairs the damage.
looks like lonely times ahead.
cheers all


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry it has some to this. This sounds very unreasonable of her.

Does she work outside the home?


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

didn,t know what else to do, she was so unhappy with me being around to the point where she could not bear it anymore . Doesn't make me feel very good about myself either.
Yes, she does work 3 days a week,


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Sorry, this would end my marriage. I've had it happen with my ex and I never felt so violated in my life. It is extremely sneaky and deceitful no matter what the circumstances are.


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## Windfish (Feb 18, 2013)

Brother,

I must say that most of the advice on here has been absolutely terrible. There were quite a few gems, though! 

The problem is not the recording, obviously (not that it is of no consequence, you two just have much bigger fish to fry). 

The problem as I see it is that your wife does not seem to be making her own efforts at all. You likewise may not have taken all the possible steps, though you did put in a very good effort.

You have approached her on these kinds of issues but she has not really done anything except kick you out of a bedroom. That is hardly a problem-solving maneuver.

But anyways, I think you giving her that very justified ultimatum of "I can't live like this" may have skipped a few steps. Did you two try to take steps to bring your issue to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, etc? Did you two try counseling? If she loves you in every other way as she says surely going into a counselor's office once a week will not be too much to ask. What about individual therapy at least on your part? She seems to be in a place where you are making all the effort, so maybe you doing counseling will be a step in a better direction. You two have issues that need professional guidance because your and her self-given solutions are obviously not a step towards growing together. I don't think there is ANY reason you should get a divorce apart from both of you giving up all hope. 

And even then, I think you guys can turn this around with the proper guidance.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to effectively use this separation and set objectives with your wife. If you two have agreed on 6 months, then you need to break this down into 3 two month segments. 

Month 1-2 you need to separate finances, consult an attorney and get legal advice if the worst should happen. This way you are prepared no matter what she does. You need to have no contact other than children and let her come to grips with your not being in the picture. The less contact the better, this will give both of you clarity.

Month 3-4 Look to date each other to kindle a new relationship, do things you both enjoy, something fun. This should include time with and without children. Work on new you. You are taking care of the body, do the same with the rest of your life. Become a more interesting you. Hobbies, volunteer work, etc...become somebody others find interesting. She can then chose to join you or move on, but others will find you more interesting as well. Counselling would also be good here. 

Month 5-6 Intimacy needs to be added to the dates. This should include touching, working to a more physical and ending in sex towards the end of this period. If at the end of this time you are not any closer, then you will have your answer. This will take patience on your part, but at least you can say at the end that you did all you could to make the relationship work.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

So, I have found a place to rent and will most likely have the keys in about a week
I am now experiencing emotions and can't begin to explain, none of them good. I hate this situation that I have put us in and feel such a great sense of loss that I fear it will consume me.
My wife now says that this has got out of hand, is it neccessary for me to move out. That gives me hope but the same things are being said; not attracted to me etc.
she does say she wants to feel how she used but I just don't know how to get there and she won't accept councelling for us both.
Do I need to man up and go through with this? of course it is going to hurt like hell but it might just fix things.
I was thinking this morning that I should go home from work( not performing very well there either) tell my wife to pack some clothes and lets go away together for a week or so in the sun,away from it all and try and re-kindle this.
30+ years is a lot to give up on.
totally confused, wish I could switch my mind off before i lose it 
completely


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> So, I have found a place to rent and will most likely have the keys in about a week
> I am now experiencing emotions and can't begin to explain, none of them good. I hate this situation that I have put us in and feel such a great sense of loss that I fear it will consume me.
> My wife now says that this has got out of hand, is it neccessary for me to move out. That gives me hope but the same things are being said; not attracted to me etc.
> she does say she wants to feel how she used but I just don't know how to get there and she won't accept councelling for us both.
> ...


It sounds like giving her what she asked for is actually waking her up to what is going on. I think that you need to continue on the path until you see concrete steps on her part to work on things. I would suggest counseling, as well as reading up on his needs/her needs and sex within a marriage. Of course, you need to do the work as well, but is she isn't, you won't get anywhere.

I would also make crystal clear what separation means to both of you. How will you handle bills, home repair, free time, dating each other or other people. Don't assume anything and lay it all out as to what you expect and what is a deal breaker.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

she won't go to counseling, said it would be a waste of time.
The finances will remain as they are for now, her wages and my wages in one pot. I know that may appear very stupid but carving everything up now will make things rather more permanent.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You made a serious mistake, and you apologized. Your marriage was already fragile, she chose to let "things get out of hand". For many years she did not meet your needs. She chose to shut you out of the bedroom, she was quite pleased with that so she didn't feel pressure to have sex. If you are satisfied with that kind of life then by all means romance her this weekend. And things will continue as they have been, with you as her doormat. 

If she sees that you are serious, and you move out and she sees you are fine without her that might make her realize what she is losing. 

Go through with it, move out, meet friends, enjoy some hobbies, you will be fine. Do NOT let yourself sit around just waiting for a sign from her. You have too much invested in this relationship to be weak now.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

goyaboard1 said:


> she won't go to counseling, said it would be a waste of time.
> The finances will remain as they are for now, her wages and my wages in one pot. I know that may appear very stupid but carving everything up now will make things rather more permanent.


Is she refuses to consider counseling then ask her what's her plan for fixing the marriage? If its more of her "I'll try to like you again" then just move on, that's not a plan - that's an excuse to keep the status-quo. 

I think you should seriously consider separating the finances, you need to show her you are moving on. You need to give her a taste of what life will be like without you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> she won't go to counseling, said it would be a waste of time.


Then how are you two suppose to work on things? Does she expect to wake up one morning and magically love you?



> The finances will remain as they are for now, her wages and my wages in one pot. I know that may appear very stupid but carving everything up now will make things rather more permanent.


So she gets the benefits of being married to you without having to do any work? Must be nice.

This arrangement is stupid and you know it. So if she wants separation, make it clear what that means and make it real. It is not hard to get a separate account, certainly no more difficult than getting an apartment.

Look, the danger in this arrangement is she ends up thinking that being separated is wonderful. But this arrangement is not how things really would be. You risk distorting her view because you give her freedom while continuing to give her all the good things that you do bring to your marriage. By stopping those things, you make clear what she is really getting - both good and bad - if you divorce.

So again, talk through all expectations and arrangements. Make clear what are your deal-breakers. DO NOT BE A DOORMAT. Make sure that she is not trying to have it all in this arrangement.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Is what I did realy so bad.


The only problem I have with your remorse over this would be this here.If you have to ask this question then I'm perplexed.What you did for many woman dare I say most is a huge violation and can feel almost to the affect of being raped.Its a violation of her consent of her sexuality.Is degrading and humiliating to realize when you were sexual under the security that it was "private" and it was then and there to realize it was filmed and by the person you trusted sounds like a nail in the coffin of whatever issues she already had sexually.The minimization of the affect of that as "oops dumb mistake" or is it "really that bad" is key.

NOPE you shouldn't be "punished for life" but none the less the consequences of something like that are long lasting and even permanent including divorce.If you would do something like that and it was to try and "help"? And you had no intention of hurting her what else would you do to try and "help" and with no intentions of it hurting her?

I don't mean to come down as being completely unsympathetic as to "why " you did it.But that's not the point.we do a lot of things wrong for a reason.I think you just don't get the impact of this particular wrong act and how it could affect a woman (or a man for that matter).

But long story short no one can convince you of that.I also though think its unfair to say she is "using that as an excuse' to have reacted to cut off sex all together to "punish you ".Its more like "self defense" or "self protection".She obviously trusted you enough to have sex even though you wanted more and you didn't like she saw it as a duty.She at least felt "safe enough" to "provide" that at one point or the opportunity to tape her would not have even arose.

I'm not telling you what to do now.Most are saying make sure she is uncomfortable as can be without you in a separation.But that would be"cosequences" of a divorce separation right?Try to see how see reacted to being violated in the manner you did also as a consequence of your actions as well.At least be fair.Otherwise you are both punishing each other back and forth.Its not fair to say her reaction is "punishing' but your reactions are natural consequences.

Either way I am sorry for ya'll's troubles ..And I hope the best for both of you .


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

goyaboard1 said:


> she won't go to counseling, said it would be a waste of time.
> The finances will remain as they are for now, her wages and my wages in one pot. I know that may appear very stupid but carving everything up now will make things rather more permanent.


I'm sorry but what exactly is she doing to make things better? I've read your thread and although you did make a boneheaded decision (I guess I don't have to tell you that), it seems that you were being punished even prior to the event occurring. She doesn't want to go to counseling yet she wants to feel how she used to. Well she needs to do some work too for that to happen.

Maybe separating some of the finances would get it into her head that this could be that permanent! Do what the others have suggested - go out with friends, continue at the gym, find some new hobbies and live your life in a way that makes you at least content and where you can see that she is not the center of your universe. Yes, you want her but she has to want you too. It's unhealthy to to think that you can't ever be happy again without that person. Show her that you can and you will, if that's what it comes down to.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Maybe it's just me but I think you should file for divorce and move on. You're not content with your sex life, or lack there of. Your wife sounds completely fine with it and doesn't seem to want to have sex with you anyway. You want to fix things, she has no interest in fixing things. The two of you sound more like roommates who are very used to being around each other than husband and wife. 

Why fight for a marriage when you're the only one who seems interested in fighting for it? Your wife sounds like she's comfortable (or at least was until you pulled that video move. I'm sorry but to me that comes off creepy as **** I don't care how sexually frustrated you are) with the way things in your marriage are and has no desire to change anything.

Are you willing to stay in a sexless marriage with no physical intimacy with someone who doesn't even sound attracted to you for the rest of your life?? Even at 58 you have options. Especially being a male. 

And it sounds like she's already trying to take the steps needed to move on from you. You should also start to seperate your finances. That's just common sense. 



> Do I need to man up and go through with this?


Sounds like you needed to man up years ago. Might have even helped with your sex life. Then again maybe not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

goyaboard1 said:


> she won't go to counseling, said it would be a waste of time.
> The finances will remain as they are for now, her wages and my wages in one pot. I know that may appear very stupid but carving everything up now will make things rather more permanent.


Continuing joint finances while separated for 6 months is a huge mistake, in my opinion. I'm untangling a 45 year marriage right now and while ending a long marriage is never easy, it can be done. Not that yours will end as mine is but, just in case, remember: IT CAN BE DONE.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

I am moving my stuff out of the house over the next few days and will be gone by the weekend. The pain is unbearable and I hate myself for the whole situation, hurting the woman i love.
To add to the misery my dear old mum passed away last thursday night.
So, currently I am a real mess and no doubt my wife is too.
stangely enough, now that i am as good as gone my wife has now said that she is thinking of counseling for herself.

do these trial seperations ever work? how much space do i give her, how much contact should i have, should i call on a regular basis to make sure she is ok, should i leave it a few weeks and then suggest we go on a date together? What if she doesn,t want me back.
I am at a loss here, I just don't know how to deal with this at all


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well sorry to hear about your loss of your Mom.I think your wife is realizing what she could loose you.She needs to put things in perspective.You never showed the tape to anyone other than you or her.No one else knows.I assume for all these years you been faithful to her?

All you wanted was to spice up your love life.Usually marriages fail from lack of this.Well maybe now she will be willing to change,but
the ball is in your court.I will bet you have been the stand up good guy your whole marriage.I could be wrong though.

If your marriage has never been great,your probably better to 
let it go and you might find a lady that appreciates you.

If see is not willing to change in her selfish ways then divorce her
and at least you will have peace of mind.Shes a very selfish
person.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

goyaboard1 said:


> do these trial seperations ever work? how much space do i give her, how much contact should i have, should i call on a regular basis to make sure she is ok, should i leave it a few weeks and then suggest we go on a date together? What if she doesn,t want me back.
> I am at a loss here, I just don't know how to deal with this at all


Again, talk to her about what is expected! What are the ground rules and deal breakers for you. Be clear and don't assume anything. Things like billing paying, repairs, money, dating (you and others), you name it. Put it all on the table.

Since she wants the separation, I would hold off call for a bit. Give her the space that she asked for. An email or text about business things is fine (and allows her an opening if she needs something).


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

My condolences on the loss of your mom. Losing a parent, no matter the circumstances is devastating. Her loss added to the grief you are experiencing in your marital situation I encourage you seek grief counseling. Short term anti-depressants may be needed to get you over the hump.

I think you should give your wife all the space she wanted. Let her initiate contact, don't regularly call her! Focus on you and your wants and needs. At first, you need to stay busy, unpack, meet people in your building and neighborhood. Take walks, go to the gym, meet up with old friends, make new friends. I hope you have separated the finances, take charge of your life. 

I hope your wife does go to counseling, that's a small step in the right direction. She has issues and I hope she is honest and deals with them. If she wants to save the marriage then you need to have an idea what your needs are first- think about the changes that have to happen to have a fulfilling marriage. Have a solid plan for improving before moving back in.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

goyaboard1 said:


> I am moving my stuff out of the house over the next few days and will be gone by the weekend. The pain is unbearable and I hate myself for the whole situation, hurting the woman i love. The pain will ease, consider instead the pain she has caused you - and maybe get angry. Why would you hate yourself? The taping incident may have been the catalyst but you aren't 100% responsible for the rest. I think if it wasn't the tape eventually she would have come up with something else.
> 
> 
> do these trial seperations ever work? Some do, others don't. how much space do i give her, how much contact should i have, should i call on a regular basis to make sure she is ok, should i leave it a few weeks and then suggest we go on a date together? No calling, text only for money stuff. Only go out if she initiates by asking you out. What if she doesn,t want me back. I think it will be what if you don't want her back?
> I am at a loss here, I just don't know how to deal with this at all. At first, an hour at a time. Then a day at a time. Then a week at a time. You are going to get through this.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

As I mentioned previously I think that a separation in your case can be constructive IF it is planned and used as a tool to heal the relationship. If it is not planned than it is merely an exit strategy. You need to talk to her and PLAN the separation. Here is what I suggest.

You need to effectively use this separation and set objectives with your wife. If you two have agreed on 6 months, then you need to break this down into 3 two month segments. 

Month 1-2 you need to separate finances, consult an attorney and get legal advice if the worst should happen. This way you are prepared no matter what she does. You need to have no contact other than children and let her come to grips with your not being in the picture. The less contact the better, this will give both of you clarity.

Month 3-4 Look to date each other to kindle a new relationship, do things you both enjoy, something fun. This should include time with and without children. Work on new you. You are taking care of the body, do the same with the rest of your life. Become a more interesting you. Hobbies, volunteer work, etc...become somebody others find interesting. She can then chose to join you or move on, but others will find you more interesting as well. Counselling would also be good here. 

Month 5-6 Intimacy needs to be added to the dates. This should include touching, working to a more physical and ending in sex towards the end of this period. If at the end of this time you are not any closer, then you will have your answer. This will take patience on your part, but at least you can say at the end that you did all you could to make the relationship work.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

thanks to all for your comments and support, not so sure I deserve it but i do appreciate it.
throughout the marriage i have always been faithful ( cheating is an alien concept to me) been mr dependable, not the most exciting guy in the world and not a big socialising man either,
but reliable and dependable for sure and a great dad according to our 2 kids.

we had a brief tearful chat last night and my wife says she just can't forgive me for what i did, wants to feel in love with me again but just doesn't feel that way any more. The counseling may or may not help with this, I don't know but i can hope.

many thanks to you all


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Question/ If you knew from the very beginning that this would be your fate, would you still have gone ahead and married her?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

chaos said:


> Question/ If you knew from the very beginning that this would be your fate, would you still have gone ahead and married her?


Question/ If you knew from the very beginning that this thread was over a year old, would you still have gone ahead and posted on it?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Question/ If you knew from the very beginning that this thread was over a year old, would you still have gone ahead and posted on it?


:lol::rofl:

DOH! Fell for a zombie thread.


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