# Stay or Go?? so confused!



## eventhedogknows (Jan 23, 2010)

I am so lost & confused, cannot decide what to do. Background: Bob & I started dating in high school, moved in together right out of school, got married/had our daughter 5yrs later. 15years later, I can't tell if I really "fell out of love" or am simply having a midlife crisis, or both! During the baby years for the most part, he drank & ran around w/his friends while I stayed home w/our daughter. For years I felt like a single mom. We fought ALOT. I thought about leaving sometimes, but was scared to & did love him. Several yrs later, he was still gone alot, but because of work mostly. We still fought alot however (never physical, but I cried ALOT). 5 yrs ago we bought a home neither of us can afford individually. Immediately, things turned around. Hardly any fighting & practically attached at the hip. He is now truly what every woman wants in a man - caring, helpful, considerate, asks what I want to do/go, good provider/lover... basically, tried to make up for lost time I think - even w/our now teenage daughter. 

6-8months ago it occurred to me that I wasn't feeling connected to him anymore & started to question if that was why I wasn't sexually attacted to him anymore (but kept it to myself). A few months later my mom was diagnosed with cancer & given a few yrs to live. This for me is HUGE - I am an only child with no dad or other extended family & so we are VERY close. Then 1 day an exboyfriend struck up a chat online. Innocently, we chatted until 1 day we realized how similar our lives were - same issues at his house. SO much in common - with homelives & each other, some quite ironic even. We connected. Casual flirtations started, but nothing more. 1 day I couldn't take the hounding anymore as to what was wrong, so I told Bob how I had been feeling about him & also admitted I felt emotionally connected to someone online.That was 3 months ago. Since then, things have escalated both with Bob & the ex. 

Bob became so clingy, I couldn't go to the bathroom alone. Which basically pushed me further away - & into "wanting" to be in the ex's arms. I convinced him to go to counseling because he started to lose so much weight from not eating. He said he would go if I did. He went 1x, I went 3x. I was diagnosed with mild adjustment disorder (from now being "attached at the hip") & as just having "too many things happening at once" (turning 40, only child growing up/driving, parent death, etc,). At that point, Bob found an email suggesting an affair. I have never been that kind of person & never even thought about it until now. But now, yes, I would love my cake & eat it too. Something about the ex/I seems so right -we both just know it. My problem is, I know the ex isn't happy in his marriage but at this point is staying for the kids & his are young. So I am trying to not delude myself there. But for me, I do believe I am having a midlife crisis(albeit a little early), which makes me ? the validity of my "i love you but not in love w/you" statements to Bob. Bob, after 2 months of crying & daily "chats" with me about what HE wants(me) & what did I want(I dont know), & telling me how much he loves me, & will give me the world if i let him, etc.,etc., has for a 30 day period agreed to move out to let me think. (I know I should've been the 1, but financially that couldn't happen). I thought it might help since counseling didn't, because talking/listening to him cry everyday made it worse. Everytime he looked at me or called I got instantly sarcastic/snappy w/ him & he didn't deserve it. I do feel guilt over having feelings for someone else, yet CAN NOT get him out of my head & don't want to. BUT, I also love my husband & daughter, & home & don't want to throw that away, but can't have it both ways. I need help understanding how to determine my feelings. My parents/best friends seem to think it's too far gone already with all that's happened & I tend to think so too,(sometimes actually look forward to living alone) but then I see Bob (because he still can't leave me alone) & I feel so bad about how he feels & do know that he does sincerely love me & also know most men would have given up by now, that I think I will regret leaving. I just want to be happy & I really think I have been content for several years now. Content is not the same as happy. Bob & I don't really laugh together. Laughter for me is huge. We don't have alot in common anymore either. ANY ADVISE from anyone at this point would be appreciated as we can't go on like this.... I have started chain smoking, I think he is drinking way too much & the teenager says she's ok with all this, but I don't want to hurt her either or have her get lost in middle of it all. Sorry for the book version...


----------



## eventhedogknows (Jan 23, 2010)

Sorry, one more thing... My emotions in regards to Bob are pretty much flatlined. I have not cried once, even the day he said he attempted to file for divorce. Does that mean I really don't care, or am just that messed up?


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

eventhedogknows said:


> Sorry, one more thing... My emotions in regards to Bob are pretty much flatlined. I have not cried once, even the day he said he attempted to file for divorce. Does that mean I really don't care, or am just that messed up?


i think u already know that u really dont love ur husband so atleast u need to be honest with him he needs to deal with the reality . so rather than giving false hope by 1 month sepration or so , let him know that , this is permanent , u dont love him , u r in love with somone else & want to be with him so that he can accept the truths & cope .

u need to resolve it as soon as possible rather than continue being sarcastic & grumpy with him . 

best of luck


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are not messed up. You are having an affair. 

You would never have gotten this 'realization' that you wanted out of a marriage if another man had not shown up. You owe your marriage, husband, family, and daughter the decency to vow to NEVER speak to this old friend again. That way, no matter what happens, you can say that you didn't throw it all away just because you were having an emotional affair. There is no honor in that. And you don't want to teach your daughter to ruin people's lives over a person who doesn't belong in the marriage.

Unless you vow to never speak to your old friend again, you will never fully give your husband a chance - no matter what you do or how hard you 'think' you're trying, you will always feel like you have that old guy to fall back to. So you'll basically be throwing away your marriage for another man.

Is that the person you want to be?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree with Tunera. You must cut the ties to the OM and move forward for yourself. Whatever happens, then, will be because you are deciding for yourself w/o the distraction of the OM. It will take several months for you to get over the infatuation with the OM, and in that time, focus on yourself and your daughter, if you still do not want to work on your marriage. You can ask you dh to wait until you KNOW if you want to work on it or not, and you have to live with his decision. Make sure you stay b/c you want to, and you love him, not b/c you feel too fearful to leave. If it really isn't there, then leaving is probably the only fair thing to do. 

He should be in counseling and working on himself, too, at the same time, whether or not you are in joint counseling. He should be deciding if he even wants to be married to you any more--this is a two way street. If you both work on yourselves while working on the marriage, it will end in the best way for both of you regardless of what happens to you as a couple. Hope that makes sense!


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thinking the same thing as above. You need to cut the ties with old friend and focus on your marriage. It's so easy to go back to a time in life, in your case 15 years, and reconnect with folks who "may be in the same boat now". Let it go. Focus on you and your family. If you direct your attention to them 100% and things suck, then you know it's over. But at least you can honestly say that you tried. Take care.


----------



## oldnbusted (Jan 24, 2010)

Where could this relationship with your old friend possibly go? I agree that you need to cut ties with this friend and figure out where you are now as opposed to dreaming about the what ifs. Talk to a counselor and work on what is going with you that is making you feel this way.


----------



## billbo (Jan 24, 2010)

Wow you all gave great advice. Absolutely great advice. The OM has to go. It may seem great because he is meeting your emotional needs right now. But who knows if that will last. That being said your husband needs a talking to by me! I am in his situation and I have some valuable words for him. He is doing what he logically thinks is right in trying to FIX things like men like to do. 2 key words, logic and fix. Neither work in this situation as you well know. Being clingy and needy will not make you appreciate him or respect him. He may seem ideal as caring, helpful sensitive and all that, but look where that put him in your eyes. He has become, dare I say it, feminine. So have I. So I know what I'm talking about. The poles have been reversed. You want freedom, he wants wishy washy love because that's what he feels. And that has caused a loss of respect in your eyes. Call me crazy but it makes sense. Women are the hunters. They need to conquer men. Once they are conquered they are boring. When we the husbands get all wishy washy, we become boring. Sure at first glance it seems great to have a man with feelings. But not at the expense of giving up what makes us men. Strength confidence independence, and always in control of our emotions.


----------



## eventhedogknows (Jan 23, 2010)

I just found this site last night, & I must say I wish I'd found it sooner. Thanks much for the advice-all of you. Would love to hear more! Billbo- I wish Bob COULD talk to you. I think you all are right about the OM needing to be gone, but I just can't seem to do it.... How do you make yourself NOT think of someone. He/I have discussed how we'd be together & are both certain it'd be very good. We've talked ALOT about everything & seem to be able to "say anything" to each other. BUT, like I said, he isn't planning on anything changing at his house anytime soon because if his wife would only put SOME effort into THIER marriage, he would be happy enough to stay in it, & is hoping that happens. My counselor didn't really have any good advice.. only thing she really said is that she thinks this has been coming for several yrs. And what about the fact that I was questioning my love for Bob even BEFORE the OM? I feel as though I will regret whatever happens at this point.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WHY are you trusting the words of a man who is cheating on his wife? He tells you that 'oh, if only my evil wife would notice me, I wouldn't be the suffering man I am, and I wouldn't need to be rescued.' Blech!

Let me let you in on a little secret. Men think with their OTHER brain. That other brain makes them very good LIARS, if they have low morals. It teaches them how to lie, how to say things like 'I'll leave her and sweep you off your feet. But I'm so stressed out. I really just need to lay in bed with you for awhile, then I'll be able to carry on.' When all along, all they are really thinking is 'Good! She's falling for it! All I have to do is continue the sob story, and we'll be scr&wing in no time.' You can say anything to him because he is focusing ALL on you right now to get you hooked so he can have cheater sex.

Bottom line, you are CHEATING. You are doing something WRONG. No matter WHAT you do from hereonout, if you end up with that man, you have ruined people's lives because of an affair. Nothing will ever make that right.

You want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror? Fix your marriage. Take your vows seriously. Start looking at what YOU can be doing for your husband, and before you know it, HE will be doing it all for YOU. And you'll be back in love, like you should be.


----------



## eventhedogknows (Jan 23, 2010)

Tunera, I do appreciate the advice, really. BUT.... I can look at myself in the mirror - that's part of the problem - I have never been this kind of person & never thought I would be, but now that it's here, I don't know what to do about it. I have been very honest with Bob about how I feel. The OM has been very honest about his life/home life (I know this for fact-from more than just him). & He also has more than once told me he just wants me to be happy with Bob, by myself, or someday someone else even. (I do know MOST men think with thier other brain, yes. But not all. I cannot label an entire gender that way). I have tried as you say "to do for my husband" & he does for me...ALOT. He is very great that way. So why do I still feel torn?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

eventhedogknows said:


> ... I think you all are right about the OM needing to be gone, but I just can't seem to do it.... How do you make yourself NOT think of someone.


ETDK~ I'm going to speak to you as I would to a friend or sister (someone I care about) okay? Based on what you said right there, I believe you know in your heart of hearts that having another man while you are still married is at minimum disrespectful and destructive, and no matter what your religious conviction may be, being unfaithful to your spouse--even emotionally--is wrong. ETDK, I speak to you from experience...having another man be interested in you feels GOOD especially after things were sort of dead/flatlined with your husband. You feel alive, young, attractive, and known! It's AWESOME! And yet you know as well as I do that it's wrong. 

When a person is involved in an emotional affair, it's got very similar biology to getting high on drugs. Serotonin floods your brain and it feels GOOD! But what happens to people who are addicted to drugs ETDK? Don't they eventually need to do more and more drugs to get that "high" feeling? And don't they make all kinds of awful, hurtful decisions to keep their addiction going? Right now, you are addicted to the OM. You *love* that feeling of being loved and wanted and you want more. That's understandable. 

Here comes the hard part. You know that it's wrong...and I don't mean "Oh this feels wrong." No it feels right---I know! I'm talking about that part of your heart that knows you should not have a lover while you're married. The hard part is being brave enough to say, "I need to end this, it's going to be hard, it's going to hurt because I'll miss him and miss the good feeling, but I KNOW that it is the mature, healthy, right thing to do." ETDK, I won't kid you. You won't stop thinking about him--the OM. You will physically miss him and cry at first a LOT because it is virtually like withdrawal. You WANT that feeling good fix. But resist--unplug your PC and turn over your cell phone if you have to and resist. Gradually you do think of him less and gradually you may think of him and be able to purposefully choose to not act on the thought. Okay? Do you understand what I mean?



> He/I have discussed how we'd be together & are both certain it'd be very good. We've talked ALOT about everything & seem to be able to "say anything" to each other. BUT, like I said, he isn't planning on anything changing at his house anytime soon because if his wife would only put SOME effort into THIER marriage, he would be happy enough to stay in it, & is hoping that happens.


May I very politely point out something to you? What you are envisioning in your head is not based on reality, but a fantasy that the grass is greener in his yard. For example, has he been there holding your hair while you threw up? Has he seen the way you are in debt or spend money or pay bills? How about been around you when your hair is a mess, your breath is bad, and you're mad as a wet hen? The reason I ask is that right now he can be a Great, Amazing, Wonderful, Understanding, Fun, Loving man because all he gets from you or knows of you is your very best...and likewise you for him. You haven't had him SCREAM at you or call you bad names. You haven't had him give you the cold shoulder for a week straight. That's not pretty but that is what real life is like. And you guys may have similar personality types and spending habits (let's say) but let me give you a small taste of "reality" with him. 

First, he is a man who cheats on his wife and doesn't hold a vow sacred, so you can rest assured it would be that way with you too. He'd probably flirt with other woman for hours on the internet the minute he's "less than happy" with you. Second, you husband will not disappear leaving you with the house, the kids, child support and alimony--AND the Lover's money too. Nope, you'll probably lose the house and most of the equity (because houses are not selling right now), and at minimum you'll lose half the time with your children...and maybe more if your husband can document that HE provided for them and did most of the care. More and more men are getting custody now so it's not a "given" Third, you may get some child support but it's a proven fact that following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by about 30%. Now your OM has already said he won't leave his wife for you, so you'd be with OM ... when he can sneak away, but how will you feel when he has to work hard for his living and can't help you pay bills? Or if he does leave her, now he's got to give half of that to his ex--who continuously calls for other that their children need as well!? Will you be #1 in his life and will it really be all lovey-dovey when you two can't pay your bills because he has to pay his wife? 

Do you sort of see what I'm driving at? Right now it seems like it would be so fun and so free to get away from the somewhat flatlined marriage to the fun, excitement of the OM but in real life it is not fun, no problems are solved, and all kinds of new problems are created! The "good" that you've envisioned is not based in reality but the fantasy of the addiction. 


ETDK, as I've said before I speak to you from experience. You can do this and you can regain love with Bob. He is freaking out right now, and to some degree, understandably so--after all your spouse having an affair is very painful. It would be good for him to repair his self-esteem and be a little stronger, and I'm sure you would respect him more if he loved himself. But right now, the one he thought would love him FOREVER just told him he's not lovable anymore and that does put a crimp in a man. Try to understand a little. 

I would make just one suggested thought. I would suggest that you consider what your marriage would be like if you put in the kind of time and attention to Bob that you offer to OM. What if you talked with him that much, that openly, that intimately? What if you sent him little lovey smooshy notes or poems? It would make a big difference huh? And right now you you don't want those things from him for one big reason. Think of the love in your marriage as a big fire. There are things that people do to kindle the fire and make it hotter (like those long talks and love notes) and there are things that people do to extinguish the fire (like yelling, calling names, being disrespectful, being dishonest, being controlling, etc.). Right now Bob may want to kindle and what he doesn't realize is that for a long time, slowly, he's been extinguishing the fire! It's like adding kindling on top of watered-down ash! All it does is smother the fire (if anything). If he could stop the extinguisher stuff first, then maybe..slowly you could start up on kindling the fire again starting with just having fun with each other again. 

Soooo...ETDK. Break it off with the OM and do the right thing. You know it's going to hurt and be hard and you'll be tempted to talk to him, but come here instead. That is step one.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you feel torn? Because you have greener grass waiting for you. You will never make an honest decision until that grass is off limits.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

eventhedogknows said:


> Tunera, I do appreciate the advice, really. BUT.... I can look at myself in the mirror - that's part of the problem - I have never been this kind of person & never thought I would be, but now that it's here, I don't know what to do about it. I have been very honest with Bob about how I feel. The OM has been very honest about his life/home life (I know this for fact-from more than just him). & He also has more than once told me he just wants me to be happy with Bob, by myself, or someday someone else even. (I do know MOST men think with thier other brain, yes. But not all. I cannot label an entire gender that way). I have tried as you say "to do for my husband" & he does for me...ALOT. He is very great that way. So why do I still feel torn?


i think I am repeating my question that if u can't stop thinking about OM & u can't love ur husband whats the problem in leaving him ? atleast u won't be cheating on ur huband anymore .


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

i think I am repeating my question that if u can't stop thinking about OM & u can't love ur husband whats the problem in leaving him ? atleast u won't be cheating on ur huband anymore . 

Or....you could grow up and WORK on the marriage you made a vow to preserve instead of just leaving it and devastating your husband just because you don't have a 'spark' any more.


----------



## eventhedogknows (Jan 23, 2010)

BP, that's what I'm doing...thinking of leaving. ALONE. Don't relish the idea, but, I just am torn because I am not 100% positive it's the right thing. If I leave, I know it is going to be just me. (And for the next 2 yrs, my daughter). 
Tunera, I do resent being told to grow up. I am nearly 40 yrs old, and have put more years into this marriage than Bob has (until recently). I have never had thoughts of any OM, & have tried to "be connected" to Bob for over a year now (OM just came into picture last 3 months). It just hasn't been working. Oh, and yes, I know the grass would not be greener... it would be more complicated at first for sure, between the two of us we would have 4 kids, 2 ex's, etc..... BUT, you never see a rainbow until you've seen the rain right? I do not kid myself. I know things would get worse before getting better. But I can't "pretend" everythings ok with Bob. How do you do that? How do you kiss & hold someone when the whole time, you are thinking is this what it would feel like to kiss your brother?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see what you have done to improve your marriage. Why do you feel it's right to walk away from a marriage where you haven't tried changing it yet? 

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to make sure you don't leave a trail of destruction just because you have another man waiting in the wings. 

First you say you will leave the marriage ALONE (your caps). But in the next paragraph, you say 'I have never had thoughts of OM' and in the same breath say 'it would be more complicated...between the two of us.' You are lying to yourself, and you are lying to us. You ARE making plans to be with OM. That is cheating. 

If you could tell me a handful of changes YOU have made in the last 5 years to make your marriage better, such as paying more attention to your husband, meeting his needs, asking him what would make him happier (so that he would turn around and want to make YOU happy), counseling, discussing your marriage with your husband on a weekly basis...things like that...if you could describe all of that, then I would say you should move on. But I didn't see that in your post. I just see you saying 'I'm unhappy. Oh, and by the way, there's a guy who thinks I'm cool.'

I'm trying to tell you that, psychologically speaking, the VERY INSTANT you know some guy is into you, your husband suddenly loses 50% of his appeal. It's human nature. It's called a 'fog' for a reason. As soon as you see some guy look at you, come on to you, you suddenly decide you'll NEVER be happy with your husband.

But I've watched hundreds of people in your very place STOP hanging onto dreams of the other man, turn around, look at their spouse, and decide to do what's right, and try to fix their marriage. And be glad, thrilled, years later, that they didn't throw away the marriage that, at one point, they were sure they were meant for.


----------



## Flooring (Jan 27, 2010)

I would stay with your husband. It may seem like your old boy friend is what you want. However if you got him it would not be all you thought it would be in your teenage fantasy world. You have some thing great right now cherish and nurture it.......it will grow!!!


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

eventhedogknows said:


> BP, that's what I'm doing...thinking of leaving. ALONE. Don't relish the idea, but, I just am torn because I am not 100% positive it's the right thing. If I leave, I know it is going to be just me. (And for the next 2 yrs, my daughter).
> Tunera, I do resent being told to grow up. I am nearly 40 yrs old, and have put more years into this marriage than Bob has (until recently). I have never had thoughts of any OM, & have tried to "be connected" to Bob for over a year now (OM just came into picture last 3 months). It just hasn't been working. Oh, and yes, I know the grass would not be greener... it would be more complicated at first for sure, between the two of us we would have 4 kids, 2 ex's, etc..... BUT, you never see a rainbow until you've seen the rain right? I do not kid myself. I know things would get worse before getting better. But I can't "pretend" everythings ok with Bob. How do you do that? How do you kiss & hold someone when the whole time, you are thinking is this what it would feel like to kiss your brother?


i understand what u r saying , Its normal that u r kind of wonde ring how u r gonna manage everything on ur own , but before long u will be able to adjust with ur new lifestsyle. 
From ur posts its evident u 've become cold enough not to want to work it out with ur husband so i think it should be pretty easy for u leave without any sad feelings .

best of luck


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"Don't relish the idea, but, I just am torn because I am not 100% positive it's the right thing."

Regarding the statement above from your post....why would you leave a marriage if you are not 100% positive it's the right thing to do - especially considering the impact to the 3 people involved (you, Bob, and daughter)???


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

" u 've become cold enough not to want to work it out with ur husband so i think it should be pretty easy for u leave without any sad feelings ."

Sad feelings? What about her HUSBAND'S sad feelings? What about her daughter's whole world being destroyed?

Do you realize you are describing this OP's SELFISH motives? She is NOT thinking about the devastation she is causing her husband and most importantly her CHILD. Oh, gee, this isn't fun any more. I'm gonna quit and go find something else that's more exciting. Them? Oh, they'll be fine. She's just a kid. MY happiness is more important.


----------



## billbo (Jan 24, 2010)

Man I feel like I am going to be fine no matter what happens in my sitch, but if my marriage is about to end I am getting my wife to talk to tunera! Great stuff.

I love how people justify their selfishness. My wife likes to look back and say she has been holding everything together for so long. Hogwash. She has her own issues and has contributed quite heavily in not keeping herself happy. The thing here is, Bob can change, and most WAW's just don't get how much because they are focused on one path only.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> " u 've become cold enough not to want to work it out with ur husband so i think it should be pretty easy for u leave without any sad feelings ."
> 
> Sad feelings? What about her HUSBAND'S sad feelings? What about her daughter's whole world being destroyed?
> 
> Do you realize you are describing this OP's SELFISH motives? She is NOT thinking about the devastation she is causing her husband and most importantly her CHILD. Oh, gee, this isn't fun any more. I'm gonna quit and go find something else that's more exciting. Them? Oh, they'll be fine. She's just a kid. MY happiness is more important.


turnera , u might be right , but thats what her posts say .


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand. What do her posts say? Are you saying you'll commiserate with her, even though she's being selfish? What good does that do? She's about to ruin the lives of several people.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

eventhedogknows said:


> BP, that's what I'm doing...thinking of leaving. ALONE. Don't relish the idea, but, I just am torn because I am not 100% positive it's the right thing. If I leave, I know it is going to be just me. (And for the next 2 yrs, my daughter).


There is a really easy way to see if it is the 100% positive right thing to do. That would be to end all contact with the other man and never, ever talk to him again. I mean NONE--no contact. Stop coming up with reasons why it's okay, right or feels good (because I know it does) and end it. Then give your marriage some fixed amount of time to either work or not work. 

See, right now you are not giving your marriage a fair shake. There is no way that Bob could even hope to meet your needs because the other man is meeting them. So as long as the other man is in the picture your marriage will not have had a chance to possibly be great--or possibly flop. To be 100% positive that what you're doing is the right thing you would need to give your marriage every opportunity to flourish. Anything less than that is justifying behavior that you know is wrong. 

Bear in mind, ETDK, I do know exactly how you feel. Somehow you want to keep justifying any way...any reason to keep getting that wonderful feeling of being with the other man and you just can not fathom the idea of ever feeling like that with your husband. Leaving the other man would be painful--and being with your husband would also be sort of lonely and feel "unreal." But you're smart! What you feel with the other man is not long-term reality--it's fantasy; whereas what you feel for your husband could become long-term reality if you gave it the chance to do so. 

In order to be 100% positive and give your marriage a chance, you have to give up the other man. For a while you may feel sad, lonely, miss him etc. but resist the temptation to contact and in just a little while you'll be wondering "What in the world was I thinking?"




> ...have put more years into this marriage than Bob has (until recently). I have never had thoughts of any OM, & have tried to "be connected" to Bob for over a year now (OM just came into picture last 3 months). It just hasn't been working.


Part of the reason it's not working is due to the intrusion of the other man. Now it is very conceivable that up to this point, Bob did not "get it"--it didn't occur to him that he could lose his wife if he didn't change. But it sounds like he does get that now (at least partly). And I'd say it sounds like this is one of the Love Extinguisher things that Bob did that really put out the fire of love in your relationship. This is one of the things you could work through, together, as a married couple honoring the vow you made to him until you died. I do understand that part of your head has just HAD IT. You've done your time trying, he didn't change, and then along came the other man. I do hear ya. But the fact that you tried and he dismissed ya is one of the things you work on together so that your marriage has the chance to be great. 



> ...But I can't "pretend" everythings ok with Bob. How do you do that? How do you kiss & hold someone when the whole time, you are thinking is this what it would feel like to kiss your brother?


Well not to be too explicit but you DON'T "pretend" everything is okay. You would be somewhat mourning the loss of the other man (and the good feeling of being loved) and he would hopefully be mindful of not doing the things that extinguish love...and doing things to demonstrate that he's seriously willing and able to change to work it out with you. So for a while (like a few weeks) you two would be doing what you know is right even if your "feelings" aren't quite there yet...and gradually your feelings for the other man would die while simultaneously you might notice the positive changes in Bob. Likewise, he would need some reassuring that you picked him on purpose and would be demonstrating his changes even as his own feelings of loving and trusting you returned. 

Does this make sense?


----------

