# No sex, but he looks at porn and wants us to be swingers...



## sliverchair (Mar 29, 2013)

This is my first post here, and my reason for registering. 
I need advice before I lose my mind entirely. 

My husband and I were married in December. Our relationship has been a fast moving and very intense one. In my defense, before we started dating, we had known each other for over 10 years so it wasn't like he was a stranger that I met and rushed into things with. We started dating in May/June of last year, things moved pretty fast: we were living together by the end of August and by September I found out I was pregnant (I'm due in June) and we got married at the end of December. 

First let me say that both of us have some emotional baggage - we've been in multiple damaging relationships prior to getting involved with each other. He's diagnosed as bipolar yet refuses to receive treatment or medication for it. I have struggled with depression for years, and I manage it with maintaining an overall healthy lifestyle and by taking an antidepressant. I have tried to get him to go to marital counseling with me but he says he doesn't see a point.  His logic is that if things are bad enough to get us into therapy, then we are "screwed" anyway. 

With that being said, when we got together, I felt like we were on the same page about most things important. Not cheating, not lying to each other, being able to talk to each other and have fun, etc. He knew that prior to dating him, I had exclusively dated women for several years. I'm 28 and my last relationship with a man ended when I was 22. This didn't bother him and we agreed that at some point it would be okay for me to sleep with a woman in front of him because 1) I'd enjoy it and 2) he'd like to watch. We tried this once and it went poorly. The girl's boyfriend was present and my husband claims that it killed the mood (remember that part - it's important to something coming up!) 

After that it hasn't happened again. We have been having some serious issues in general - disagreeing on a lot of important things, lack of communication (I'm always open to talking and working on things, he's totally closed to it), he stays gone 75% of the time, leaving me to handle everything around the house (which I pay for and lived in before we were involved). Also I work full time (I own my own business and work from home) so I make about 90% of our income. He's in school part time and does odd jobs. His reasons for being gone are that he needs to help people: his dad and his friends, etc. By "helping" he means making money for his dad by selling the pain meds his father receives and giving him the money. 

I digress - the main reason for posting this thread is because we almost NEVER have sex. I get shot down almost every time I try to initiate it. He says he's tired, or not in the mood, or gives me some other reason for not wanting it. I feel unwanted and sexually frustrated. I am not perfect but I do take care of myself and I am pretty. Often, I'll check his web history and he's been watching porn and this stings! It's a kick to my ego: He can watch porn and yet he doesn't have sex with me and shows no desire to. He used to tell me I was sexy, beautiful, etc. Now, nothing. He's so uninterested in me as a person. He chased me for years in high school and afterwards, and now that he HAS ME (married and carrying his baby) he has no interest in me. 

About a week ago, he'd had a few beers and was slightly buzzed and informed me of something that I am still trying to process. 
He said he feels bad for lying to me from the beginning about what he wants as far as sex goes. He said he would like to watch me not only with another woman, but that he'd enjoy seeing me pleasuring and sleeping with another man. He'd like us to be swingers and he'd like me to watch him with another woman. He doesn't think it's cheating if we're in the same room with each other while we're doing these things. Now, try to make sense of that while keeping in mind that when I did have sex with a woman in front of him, he was turned off because her boyfriend was in the room too. I'm confused and lost. 

So, what can I do? He won't really talk any more about it now. It just makes us argue more. I don't know what to do or how to act and I can't look at him the same way. I don't want to be with another man and I don't want him to be with another woman. I'm fine going the rest of my life without being with another person (man or woman) because I love him and don't want anyone else, but I feel like am not enough. It's a crushing feeling.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sliverchair said:


> I have tried to get him to go to marital counseling with me but he says he doesn't see a point.  His logic is that if things are bad enough to get us into therapy, then we are "screwed" anyway.


That is not logic. That is called rationalization.

A refusal to see counseling for problems this substantial is a demonstration he is not willing to fix them. 

Rushing into marriage is a classic mistake, often pushed by manipulative people who coincidentally refuse counseling because they know a counselor will be an impartial referee.

Bipolar and refusing treatment - also a huge problem for any partner. Might as well be with someone who likes playing Russian Roulette.

The child will be a victim of an extremely dysfunctional family without these things being fixed so this is a "fix it or goodbye" situation.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You have only just gotten married and your husband already cares so little for you that you are a very low priority.

He also does not care about protecting your marriage from harm in the following ways
-he does not invest time with you, and a marriage will not last unless both people actively seek to put each other first and spend time together.
-he wants you to sleep with others, so rather then protecting you from harm, he's happy to allow you to be vulnerable to others- to maybe get a STI, and even a future possible pregnancy with another. Also when you have sex with other you release oxytocin, which makes you feel good and bond with the person, he's happy for you to bond sexually with others and risk your relationship.
A man or woman who really values their relationship will not allow others to come between them and will love and protect their spouse.

And clearly believes you will stick around no matter what he does, just because are married and carrying his baby.
You need to let him know in no uncertain terms he is incorrect, you will not stay with him under theses circumstances and raising a child and keeping your vows takes two people to make it work.

The longer he is taught he is allowed to treat you this way- the worse he will become.
He has to understand that he will lose you 100% with out a doubt if he does not agree to marital Counseling, look for decent employment, give up the porn, concentrate on you, spend time with you because he wants to, and concentrate on your relationship and baby.

The porn I would see as a huge problem, he should not firewall instead of having sex with you. 

Again though if you don't give him a huge wake up call and mean it, he will have no reason to change and you have to be prepared to lose him for your sake and the well being of your baby.
Stop hoping he's the man you imagined he would be and understand he's not that guy.

You deserve better.


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## sliverchair (Mar 29, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You have only just gotten married and your husband already cares so little for you that you are a very low priority.
> 
> He also does not care about protecting your marriage from harm in the following ways
> -he does not invest time with you, and a marriage will not last unless both people actively seek to put each other first and spend time together.
> ...


thank you, I think reading something like this is somehow what I needed to hear. He has me so hurt and confused that I don't know what to think or feel, or what is normal or not. He says I am controlling because I'm not really open to the swinger idea, or at least that's how it came across in the very few times we've talked about it. He says that if you love someone and you're together, then sleeping with others in front of each other should be okay. 

I think maybe I would be more receptive to it if we didn't already have a plethora of issues, mainly trust issues. He LIES all the time. About everything and anything. It doesn't have to be a big thing or something I'd get mad about and furthermore he's not even a good liar. He's a sloppy liar, doesn't have a believable alibi and doesn't cover his tracks well yet he has the audacity to get angry with me when I call him out on his fibs. -.-

As far as the oxytocin issue is concerned - it's funny you mention that because that's something I tried to explain to him from my perspective. I told him clearly and firmly that if I were to sleep with another man, even someone I didn't know and it were to be in front of him (my husband), I would feel at least SOMETHING for that man, and I would think about him even if I never slept with him again. My husband cannot understand that concept. I even got technical with him and tried to explain the oxytocin part of it, and he said it was "just sex for fun" and that wouldn't happen. :slap:

I feel totally unheard by him about most things. In a way I feel like this is a reason to leave him, even though we haven't acted on it yet. I'm not happy. I love him very much but I have so much resentment for him and I'm so preoccupied with trying to fix a broken marriage by myself that I am losing business, I am unfocused and unorganized, I have a baby due in two months and it's all I can do to even focus on that. I feel like I have been cheated out of my pregnancy by him. He has put me through so much over the last few months that I have been depressed and lonely, sick and struggling to just find it in me to have fun and laugh. My only solace is my family. My parents are super supportive of me and since being with him, most of my friends have slowly disappeared. I feel weak and hopeless because I can't find it in myself to walk away and not look back. 

I guess in my mind I'm trying to make sense of the whole lack of sex, no intimacy (sexual or emotional), the idea of being in a swinger-type relationship, knowing that he prefers porn to being with me, etc... It's like I need to just be okay with EVERYTHING he does in order to make our marriage work but that's not fair to me. I feel dead inside a lot. I don't feel like ME. I feel like some new, run-down version of who I was just 10 months ago. 

When I met him, I was making killer money, had NO debt, was super healthy and walking/exercising daily, eating a nearly perfect diet and I felt great. He won't go walk with me, he smokes (NOT IN THE HOUSE), and he eats junk. When I cook healthy stuff, he won't eat it. I struggle to keep myself on track with my food and exercise but I have no support there. 

Sorry to ramble, I am just a wreck tonight.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Well you both were still broken people from previous relationships and brought emotional baggage with you into this relationship,so that makes for a rocky start right there. Then he has a mental illness in which he refuses to take meds for or receive counseling for etc. Plus now he is into swingers and porn etc. 

My advice to you, think long and hard about if this is something you want in your life. I'm not saying none of this can;'t be fixed, but right now it doesn't look that way with an unwilling partner. 

Also, it might be best if you seek some IC for yourself. Maybe they can help you with what YOU need to do.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You say you have known him for 10 years prior to marriage. It seems you really didn't know him.
This guy sounds like a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I agree, what a mess. He says you are controlling because you don't want to be a swinger? What utter bs. He is devaluing you. 

It sounds like your life was much better before you married him and that's sad. I don't know why you would want to continue on this downward spiral, but I think you have to make some difficult decisions.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Seems to me you agreed to a swinger relationship up front, except you thought it would only be you swinging with women. Now he wants to expand that arrangement. You reap what you sow.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe he is watching to much swinger porn and whacking off.

It happens!

Quitely look into a possible porn addiction, it may answer alot of questions with regards to lack of sex and intimacy if he is satisfying him self.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

If you pursue and really enjoy swinging, he will regret the day he ever bought the subject up!

Women are capable of having a lot more sex than men and from what I've read (checked a few Poly forums out of curiosity), many problems arise from this type of situation because the husband feels left out or jealous. Wifey's dance card is *filled*. Literally .

That said, I think there are too many other issues in your marriage to address. Having multiple sex partners will only make things worse.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Your husband is loosing his sex drive, and thinks if things get kinkier it will spark him up...It won't work....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He won't have sex with you, but he wants to swing,

Major red flag there. I think you better not only take a look at why he wants to swing, but also at way he has so truly little value emotionally for you that he wants you to have sex with another man,

To put it simply, he clearly isn't that into you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The point of getting married in the first place, is because you love your other half and only want sex with them. Holy bonds of matrimony, God, parents, morals and ethics, respect, etc.

If he wants to swing, he is telling you he doesn't really believe in marriage and what it stands for and he wants you both to commit adultery on purpose.

He should of got that out of his system when you were only dating and not seriously involved yet.

If you want to have sex with many men and he wants to have sex with many women, be single and do just that. But when you man and woman up, grow up and want to get married, that should of stopped a while ago.

Just as bad as hubby wants a three some and you to have sex with another woman thing. Be single, party, and when its out of your system and you meet that someone, then get married and not before. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, and if it is, don't get married.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Your husband is loosing his sex drive, and thinks if things get kinkier it will spark him up...It won't work....


He's not losing his sex drive. He is wasting it on porn and wants to screw other women. In order for that to happen, he is willing to sacrifice his wife's body to another man to make it happen. 

Your husband does not want you...not while you are pregnant any way. 

You are not alone. Mine didn't want me while I was pregnant either. For 3 months straight, he turned me down except for BJ's. He whacked off everyday before work and tried getting *****s from craigslist. 

I don't blame you for being pissed and hurt.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

richie33 said:


> You say you have known him for 10 years prior to marriage. It seems you really didn't know him.
> This guy sounds like a mess.
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Michael610 (Sep 20, 2010)

Some porn can enhance a sexual relationship with one's partner, especially if you enjoy watching it together, but even when you watch alone.. As a release, masturbating to porn alone can also be okay, but never when it reaches the level of replacing sex with one's partner.

With some couples, swinging to otherwise playing with others can work to make things more exciting for both, and it can even help to bring them together -- but only when you have established a solid, trusting relationship. That trust, however, isn't possible if either of you refuses to talk and listen to each other freely and openly about any issues relating to emotional and physical intimacy. If he doesn't make learning to communicate a top priority in your relationship, then what he proposes is utterly foolish.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> Seems to me you agreed to a swinger relationship up front, except you thought it would only be you swinging with women. Now he wants to expand that arrangement. You reap what you sow.


I agree this this . U swing before , it will be hard to make him understand that it is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BBRAY (Apr 16, 2013)

Talking from past experience...

Staying together may not be possible. Love isn't enough in marriage you have to be willing to work at it and grow with each other. No one persons stays exactly the same forever. 

I'm Bipolar and Severely Depressed. Seeking treatment was my SO's idea. It isn't fun. They weren't kidding when they said it has to get worse before it can be better. The thing to remember is IT CAN BE BETTER! I still hate it but I want my relationship to work. 

There are things you can do. Vitamin B can help level out moods naturally and there are tons of other helpful things on the web. Do some reading.

just don't do anything to compromise yourself while trying to work it out. I'm not a big fan of swinging and porn but to each their own. 

best of luck!


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