# Understanding the cheater



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I've noticed an increasing number of threads and posts that plead for more understanding and compassion for the WS. To paraphrase an old saying, "Compassion misplaced is compassion regretted". It is perfectly OK to try to understand the pov of the ws, and that is one of the purposes of TAM, to promote greater understanding. Compassion, however should always be reserved for the victim, moreso than the perpetrator. It does no good to "feel", for the ws as long as the ws still has selfish, entitled feelings of their own. The ws will simply see that as justification of their wayward behavior, not as a gift of kindness. Misplaced compassion will re-inforce the poor behavior that lead to the affair, and not focus the WS attention on the self-improvement that they need to accomplish to have a true and lasting R.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is one thing I appreciate about TAM...is that it taught me that no matter what was going on in my marriage he did not have the right to have an EA twice. When we had DD#1 I took alot of the blame on myself for what happened...told H that I was going to go to therapy to work on "myself"...frick I look back now and am disgusted by how much I took on at that time.

Now my attitude is what he did was 100% wrong..I too was unhappy in the marriage at times but not once did I ever have an affair with someone else.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm not sure I see a lot of compassion so much as direction to help them (including me) in the right direction. 

Many of us realize exactly what our mistakes are, and the hurt they've caused our spouses, families and others and are here to better understand how we got there. More importantly, we are HERE because we want to fix it.

I really value the honest advice and feedback but sometimes I've seen it denigrate into a name calling session that doesn't really come across as constructive. Those are the discussions I avoid, not because I'm afraid of facing what I've done and owning it but because I don't see a positive outcome in that thread.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The point is BS mostly have no idea until truth hits them on the face. Before they collect themselves, they find them in shock, sadness, anger and deep disappointment.

BS should have sympathy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Understanding, no. There is nothing to understand, there are no excuses. And most of us never will understand, unless we go and cheat on our spouse.

Compassion? I guess, maybe, once the WS realizes what they've done and starts to understand how royally they have screwed up their life. They will never know how the BS feels unless they've been one themselves - never - but their own feelings can be real. I still find it hard to be very compassionate, though, until they've proven themselves for quite a while. Like, years.

For those WS's who seem truly remorseful, they should have the benefit of the doubt, but asking BS's to be compassionate towards them is asking far too much in many, if not most, cases IMO.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> For those WS's who seem truly remorseful, they should have the benefit of the doubt, but asking BS's to be compassionate towards them is asking far too much in many, if not most, cases IMO.


I suspect you'll find most truly remorseful cheaters not asking for or expecting compassion. Yes, the cheater pays their own prices, very high ones. The key difference is that they are self inflicted for the cheater. Part of remorse is paying the prices for your actions, that usually doesn't include any expectation of compassion or sympathy.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I pretty much self-censor myself by avoiding most threads by wayward spouses. I'm not at the point yet where I can give constructive advice to cheaters. When that day arrives, I'll know that I've truly healed.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> I'm not sure I see a lot of compassion so much as direction to help them (including me) in the right direction.
> 
> Many of us realize exactly what our mistakes are, and the hurt they've caused our spouses, families and others and are here to better understand how we got there. More importantly, we are HERE because we want to fix it.
> 
> I really value the honest advice and feedback but sometimes I've seen it denigrate into a name calling session that doesn't really come across as constructive. Those are the discussions I avoid, not because I'm afraid of facing what I've done and owning it but because I don't see a positive outcome in that thread.


The problem, TCSRedhead, is that what you call "name-calling", in some cases is the posters trying to get the WS's head out of the fog. The good news is that this is the quickest way to show who is truly remorseful and who is not. The remorseful ones will try to learn but the unrepentant ones will get defensive and truculent. We see it all of the time. Of course they will SAY that they own their actions, but will then go on for paragraph after paragraph, telling all of the reasons (excuses) that caused them (normally a wonderful person) to cheat, and most of which is the fault of the BS. What they truly want is to be considered the victim, so they can look themselves in the mirror.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Badblood said:


> The problem, TCSRedhead, is that what you call "name-calling", in some cases is the posters trying to get the WS's head out of the fog. The good news is that this is the quickest way to show who is truly remorseful and who is not. The remorseful ones will try to learn but the unrepentant ones will get defensive and truculent. We see it all of the time. Of course they will SAY that they own their actions, but will then go on for paragraph after paragraph, telling all of the reasons (excuses) that caused them (normally a wonderful person) to cheat, and most of which is the fault of the BS. What they truly want is to be considered the victim, so they can look themselves in the mirror.


And in those instances, I have seen the posters address it head on but also constructively. I have also seen the opposite. 

I would agree, excuses aren't going to help anyone recover or to move on. There is always another choice that doesn't involve cheating or deception. I feel the shame and regret every day.

For me, I am looking to understand more about how to recover, what I can do to help my husband and I move on (if we can).


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

By not blaming your H, by refusing to be the victim, and by placing your BS's needs before your own, you are making a great start. The trick is to work on rebuilding his trust in you and making sure that he has confidence in your love and desire for him , ABOVE ALL OTHER MEN!! THEN, it will be hundreds of times easier to deal with any marital problems that existed pre-A. I wish you lots of luck and wisdom, and see a positive future ahead of you. You're doin fine, girl!!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Badblood said:


> ..... but the unrepentant ones will get defensive and truculent. We see it all of the time. Of course they will SAY that they own their actions, but will then go on for paragraph after paragraph, telling all of the reasons (excuses) that caused them (normally a wonderful person) to cheat, and most of which is the fault of the BS. What they truly want is to be considered the victim, so they can look themselves in the mirror.


To be honest, I don't think I have seen this here, and if I have, it has been incredibly rare. 

TheGoodWife maybe. That is the only person I can think of with any difinity. And she had 1 online EA as I recall. 

Why would an unrepentant Wayward seek out an infidelity forum to help them? Makes little sense to me. I haven't seen these 'all the time' issue you speak of. Unless of course I just haven't seen the threads you speak of.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

It really was out of Character for my wife to have a four month EA with her Ex hs bf.
So I will never undterstand it...never.
She did'nt love me but now is scared I might say the hell with it all and pull the plug.
And she is doing the right things...I'll never get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This is how I would divide up the types of cheaters there are:

1) *"Innocent" without Boundaries*: These are the cheaters that mysteriously "fall into a trap". Yes, in reality there are plenty of signs that this type of cheater should heed; however, they tend to be the type that naively engage in friendships or partake of situations with poor boundary control. They then get "swept up in the moment" and decide to cheat either via a ONS or a brief affair. Soon, the guilt overcomes them and they either confess or try to end it quietly on their own. Prevention is questionable here because the clear problem is boundary issues, yet I think in many cases the lack of boundaries are more subtle and may manifest in certain situations (like an old HS BF comes out of the blue and he/she "believes" that there is no connection there from a romantic standpoint).

2) *"Righteous Cheater"*: These cheaters feel like they are being ripped off by their spouses. Either they feel unwanted, unneeded, neglected, taken for granted, etc. They feel like they have a right to cheat because their spouse "wrongs" them. Yes, it takes 2 to ruin a marriage but it only takes one to cheat. Probably the best situation that may be prevented. Doing the work to keep the marriage strong will likely do the trick, but...you never know... 

3) *Psychologically Impaired Cheater*: I believe that some people are broken by traumatic events or are born with a mental condition that causes them to view marital vows, cheating and boundaries with psychologically impaired views. Either they are acting out due to abuse, bipolar, or whatever. No logical explanation for the cheating.

4) *Arrogant (Royal) Cheater*: Mean, self centered, takes what they want simply because 1) they want to and 2) because they can. Harkens back to the age of feudalism where the cheater feels entitled to "goodies" because they are of "noble" blood. These people don't care about you and feel a sense of entitlement to pursue their wants at any cost. Prevention through abstinence, i.e. don't date or ever marry a person like this.

These are the general classifications that I've seen among all of the threads in the CWI forum. IMHO, some of these situations are untenable, because you really can't prevent a situation where the partner may cheat. Some of the situations are preventable - to a certain extent. Nothing is foolproof and I'm sure that other types of cheaters are out there. But I think you can cover most of the situations with these different "types".


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## old pilot (Oct 9, 2012)

Look in the mirror then you will understand why people cheat.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Remains said:


> To be honest, I don't think I have seen this here, and if I have, it has been incredibly rare.
> 
> TheGoodWife maybe. That is the only person I can think of with any difinity. And she had 1 online EA as I recall.
> 
> Why would an unrepentant Wayward seek out an infidelity forum to help them? Makes little sense to me. I haven't seen these 'all the time' issue you speak of. Unless of course I just haven't seen the threads you speak of.


IMO we do occasionally see cheaters who are only looking for validation. The fact that they wind up here, looking for validation from those in the wreckage of infidelity, is just an indication of how deeply they have mislead themselves and rationalized their actions. It's sad really.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

old pilot said:


> Look in the mirror then you will understand why people cheat.


:scratchhead: ??

Because...? I see myself - does it mean that I am the cause of all cheating in the world?


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