# What if we don't take rejection for what it is?



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Quite a few posters in HD-LD relationships mention not approaching their partner for sex, because of the fear of rejection. This led me to play with the thought that the LD partner might sometimes be using rejection as a deliberate way of getting the HD parter to 'stay off'.

Question: Do you think it would work if the HD partners simply geared up for rejection, didn't take it so seriously, and somehow made a comeback?

What if I expect my partner to reject me anyway? Would this increase tolerance, and help to bridge the expectancy gap?

Also: have any of you managed to find suitable ways to bridge the gap between the frequency of sex expected by the HD and the LD partner?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think there is a big difference between couples who have mismatched drives but are otherwise healthy and loving and couples who are sexless due to issues in their relationship.

Based on the posts I have read from you, your situation sounds like the second. 
You can not increase sex until you have regained trust and love. Start there. Put sex aside for just a bit and work on the other areas.


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## Imjustme (Apr 10, 2015)

Badsanta, i think you have something there! Sometimes sarcasm has some truth to it.

As a HD partner who hasn't had sex in a year.... You get to the point that your every waking thought is SEX!!! What did I do wrong? What do I do right? Will this help? Will that help? On and on. MB doesn't help, porn... doesn't help.

If the LD partner would throw the HD partner a bone once in a while, they may find some peace in that. 

With time and patience it could turn around a sexless marriage/relationship.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brownmale said:


> ....This led me to play with the thought that the LD partner might sometimes be using rejection as a deliberate way of getting the HD parter to 'stay off'.
> 
> Question: Do you think it would work if the HD partners simply geared up for rejection, didn't take it so seriously, and somehow made a comeback?
> 
> ...Also: have any of you managed to find suitable ways to bridge the gap between the frequency of sex expected by the HD and the LD partner?


I would agree that it depends on the underlying motivation of the "LD" partner. Sometimes people who appear "LD" just don't want to have sex with you, are angry with you. Sometimes they are just not interested in sex. It all depends.

If the LD partner was trying to hurt you and it didn't, then they would would either have to change the way they act toward you or try to be more cruel.

For me when I was in an SSM, my wife was very angry at me and very inhibited sexually. She didn't want to have sex with me, feel close to me, or provide me pleasure. She would at times have sex with me and then emotionally hurt me when I was emotionally vulnerable. 

As part of my 180's and GAL, I tried to not get sucked into a fight with her, when she rejected me. It was hard, but it helped. Sometimes, I would say fine, and then proceed to masturbate next to her. Sometimes I would say OK, and then just roll over and go to sleep. Sometimes, depending on if she did something cruel to me, I might ask her why did you say that, were you trying to hurt me and then hold on and focus on not showing any anger to anything she said next. 

Ultimately, my 180's came down to stopping any sex initiation with her or pressure toward her to have sex. Telling her that becauxe she doesn't touch me is because she is afraid I will want sex, that I will not have sex with her no matter what she does for 3 months so she is free to touch with no fear of it triggering any demands on my part. But perhaps the most important 180 was fixing myself, apologizing to her and then giving her unconditional love in her love languages without asking for anything in return, just unconditional love.

That and a sex therapist really helped improve the frequency.

I strongly advice professional help.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I think there is a big difference between couples who have mismatched drives but are otherwise healthy and loving and couples who are sexless due to issues in their relationship.
> 
> Based on the posts I have read from you, your situation sounds like the second.
> You can not increase sex until you have regained trust and love. Start there. Put sex aside for just a bit and work on the other areas.


Where does one start and the other end? What's the cause and the effect? What's the tail and what's the dog?

Lack of sex can ruin a relationship, I think... Entirely.

(Unless the deprived partner takes some other strategy of coping with that.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

brownmale said:


> Where does one start and the other end? What's the cause and the effect? What's the tail and what's the dog?
> 
> Lack of sex can ruin a relationship, I think... Entirely.
> 
> (Unless the deprived partner takes some other strategy of coping with that.)


Have you ever asked your wife why she does not sexually desire you? There must be a reason.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Thanks indeed. This is very insightful...

What you describe in your third para is something I come across too. We'd have great sex, both enjoy ourselves, and within 12 hours of doing it, she would enter into a major scrap, almost as if to ensure we don't stay close or friends! Never understood why this was happening, whether it was just some 'sexual hangover' or something deeper....

Your coping mechanisms are, again, very interesting. Obviously, one needs to avoid all anger and frustration while opting for these. I'll need to learn more ways of managing/dissipating anger/frustration. This peaks at the point of rejection, and the more one understands it, the better it would be, I guess....

Excuse my ignorance, but what does _GAL_ and _SSM_ stand for? _180_ I understand...



Young at Heart said:


> I would agree that it depends on the underlying motivation of the "LD" partner. Sometimes people who appear "LD" just don't want to have sex with you, are angry with you. Sometimes they are just not interested in sex. It all depends.
> 
> If the LD partner was trying to hurt you and it didn't, then they would would either have to change the way they act toward you or try to be more cruel.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brownmale said:


> Where does one start and the other end? What's the cause and the effect? What's the tail and what's the dog?
> 
> Lack of sex can ruin a relationship, I think... Entirely.
> 
> (Unless the deprived partner takes some other strategy of coping with that.)


Problems with the sex life can almost always be tacked back to marital problem. Fix the marriage and it usually fixes the sex problems.

Your wife is not happy with you. That's clear.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I would agree that it depends on the underlying motivation of the "LD" partner. Sometimes people who appear "LD" just don't want to have sex with you, are angry with you. Sometimes they are just not interested in sex. It all depends.
> 
> If the LD partner was trying to hurt you and it didn't, then they would would either have to change the way they act toward you or try to be more cruel.
> 
> ...


IMHO, using sex denial to express anger or resentment is a dangerous trend. For me, sex in marriage is a powerful symbol. To play with that symbol is to play with one of the pillars of a marriage. Doing that will get a partner vulnerable. In that state, an outsider might come along and... well let me don't finish it. We all know the ugly consequence. 

My point is: we shouldn't give the devil a chance. The effect might be devastating.

I'd advice women to be more assertive with their men - instead of the usual passive-aggression. It helps a lot.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Problems with the sex life can almost always be tacked back to marital problem. Fix the marriage and it usually fixes the sex problems.


You know, I keep hearing this and never see any support for it. Where does this come from?

Note: I have thought that my ex was out there but not THAT FAR out there. Maybe she is indeed that far out there?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

DTO said:


> You know, I keep hearing this and never see any support for it. Where does this come from?
> 
> Note: I have thought that my ex was out there but not THAT FAR out there. Maybe she is indeed that far out there?


I don't have any studies to back it up. What I would say from a study standpoint is the the Gottman's Love Lab has documented the signs or tells of a marriage that will last. Sex is part of a good marriage.

On a personal level, I was in an SSM, and after we solved the core problems between my wife and myself, the sex improved dramatically.


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