# ADHD husband with perfectionist wife?



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

Title kind of says it all... I'm ADHD with very strong inattentive and impulsive (not so much hyperactive), she's a perfectionist with anger issues. I was prescribed Ritalin at age 30, but only take it when I feel I have an immediate need, mostly because I don't feel like myself when I'm on it. Even when I'm on it, though, I feel like it makes a small difference, albeit a positive small difference.

So after yet another fight (she gave me her keys, I forgot they were in my backpack and went to work), I'm wondering if this combination will work... at all. I try - believe me, I try very hard - to do what she wants done in the way she wants it done. But it's never quite right... no matter how attentive I am, no matter how I list out the problems she's had with the results of the task before, there's always something. So she yells. Or cries. Or goes off in a huff complaining that I'm irresponsible.

Any couples out there ADHD and perfectionist? How do you deal with it?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She's not a perfectionist, she's a control freak with a martyr complex. Or OCD. You should all be on bigger drugs it sounds. A perfectionist is someone who places demands on them self, like a brain surgeon.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Hate to say it but I'm with Runs. With this combo one of you needs to be in therapy, medicated or both. I was once a perfectionist with anger issues and so I know someone with ADHD would drive me insane. I'd never make it.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

I was in therapy for my ADHD and moderate depression until this spring. Therapist told me I need to leave her. Kinda hard to go back to that, even if she's right (I tend to avoid conflict waaaaaay too much for my own good).


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The best partner for a perfectionist with anger issues is someone passive, easy to get along with, and NEAT.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have type II ADD myself.

It can become extraordinarily easy to allow yourself to become a punching bag over issues resulting from the condition ... such as the keys bit.

Moderate depression can go hand in hand with ADD if you start guilting yourself or sabotaging your own self-esteem.

Such as ... don't become engaged in a career that requires rote procedures or requires meticulous attention to detail. 

Don't set yourself up. And ... get comfortable with conflict. It is a surefire way to nurture your own sense of character. 

I inherited my conflict resolution from my mother. The more escalated somebody else becomes, the more calm, focused and rational I become, and I move closer to them. Having ADD is actually a benefit when arguing because my mind works exponentially faster and doesn't require linear transitions.

Stop putting up with her tirades and then see where things stand, or how you feel about trying to build a relationship with your spouse. If she isn't willing to work with you, but is more content with the model of you being her whipping boy and punching bag ... you need to leave.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> She's not a perfectionist, she's a control freak with a martyr complex. Or OCD.


As much as I'd love to argue with this, I know your exactly right.

My H & I are exactly like the OP. He's got ADD & I was OCD and a major control freak.

I say "was" because I have been seeing a therapist and taking meds for about 7 months now and it has made all the difference in the world.

Unfortunately, it took me losing my H for me to wake up and realize that what I'm doing just isn't working.
We've been apart 6 months now, and the chances of us reconciling is very slim. Although I hate the circumstances that made me proactive, I'm glad I am changing my life.

Stuck- your wife may have OCD and she can't help it, but she is responsible for her actions and behavior. Yelling and screaming at you over anything, even tiny things, is emotional abuse and you don't have to take it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

I can relate. I have ADHD, my husband is a type A perfectionist. 

He wants to file for divorce and has already started the paperwork. 

A good book to recommend: The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. Also, a website:http://www.adhdmarriage.com/


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hi again-
Just read a few more of your posts...
My partner and I have spent many counseling sessions talking about the "parent/child" dynamic in our relationship, which ruins sex life and creates a bad dynamic. We also have a cycle of anger(his) and defense(mine)...maybe the defensiveness I have is a result of living with ADHD(inattentive type) until adulthood(diagnosed in my late 20's)....struggled in school, lots of struggles at work, etc- his anger? A result of dealing with his "challenging ADHD partner"

Best wishes to you...have you tried marriage counseling yet?


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