# Why do people on TAM seem to love cheating stories?



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Same reason people slow down on the highway to stare at an accident.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> Same reason people slow down on the highway to stare at an accident.


Several accidents...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

And a "train wreck" has even more appeal.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. *Any insights from serial culprits? I*t's a genuine question.


Ha-ha. Do you really think anyone is going to admit they're a serial culprit?

Some people like to think the more words they write then the more influence they will have.

Some people like riding the roller coaster and some people just like being taken for a ride.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Ha-ha. Do you really think anyone is going to admit they're a serial culprit?
> 
> Some people like to think the more words they write then the more influence they will have.
> 
> Some people like riding the roller coaster and some people just like being taken for a ride.


Some people don't have anything better to do? But I guess the same thing could be said about me after nearly 3,500 posts...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Some people don't have anything better to do? But I guess the same thing could be said about me after nearly 3,500 posts...


Newbie.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some of these people are, of course formerly wounded.

Nah, still wounded and bitter.

This Forum gives them a chance to air out their feelings.
Over, and over, out.

Humans are more un-forgetting than elephants, and more unforgiving than leopards.

Some male posters love to read about naughty wives. 
Maybe, they envision themselves being the OM, touching her flesh.

Female posters are often loath to visit cheating stories. They cut to the bone, the retelling make them hate men.
It reinforces that notion that men are walking penises. 

Many are anxious to get to the punishment, the Karma, where the cheater gets their just desserts.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Newbie.


Lol... I have seen you on those threads...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Some of these people are, of course formerly wounded.
> 
> Nah, still wounded and bitter.
> 
> ...


Yes, but I don't really get the obsession with it... sometimes it borders on the compulsive-obsessive.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Lol... I have seen you on those threads...


Yes, but have you ever seen me write pages and pages? No, you haven't because I'm too damn lazy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, but have you ever seen me write pages and pages? No, you haven't because I'm too damn lazy.


That's true... that you don't write pages and pages... not sure you are _that_ lazy after 10,000 posts...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ever watch young children, maybe the old in nursing homes, pick at a wound?

The wound never knitting, never healing, never seeing closure?

Feeling the pain, reliving it, keeps them....strangely alive?

I get it, the wounds, the scabs, they do itch.

Um, some people love to hate (on) the opposite sex.
Cheaters are one, maybe their favorite target.
More so, men..... this.

I could write more on this, dig more deeply into those male psyches.
The neuroses. 

Ach! 
I dare not...

That said....

Men love, men hate their women.

Men hate that women can and do enjoy wayward lust. 

The infamy!

The two sexes, they do have many feelings in common.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

To me, it's a way for people to escape/avoid looking at themselves. It's almost like an empty/disingenuous form of self-soothing.

It's a way to say, 'I'm better than that', 'I would never do that'.

So - other people are so gross/disgusting, but I'm just fine. Which is a very potent lie.

I don't often see the participation as a true desire to be helpful. Often it's more like a lynch mob.

Lots of self-righteousness. Lots of contempt.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Some of us are just long-winded. It's a gift


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


I'm not sure what your point is. This forum is Talk About Marriage. The 268 page thread is about infidelity in marriage and its consequences. There are 268 pages of people talking about it. Everything seems in order, to me. 

Since you apparently think that a 268 page thread talking about marriage is over the top, what would you suggest as the ideal topic and length for TAM? (I'm not being a smart ass.) Maybe I don't understand the board's mission. 

I will admit to being someone who reads infidelity posts from start to finish, even going back to threads by @EI, @B1, and @tears. (I read the OP's posts and skip the responses.) I do so because of some questions I've struggled with most of my life that even predate my marriage. It's too early to tell if I'm helping or hurting myself. Time will tell.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some threads always draw more than their share of posters. That’s especially true if the original poster’s story is compelling or unusual (and they write well). It’s often like a soap opera. I remember some threads from when I first joined that were that way (a few turned out to be trolls but that’s another story).


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Serious answer- not being married anymore I can't give much insight into topics related to marriage but I did experience cheating from my XH and remember that feeling of rudderlessness (if that's a word) that comes when you discover your whole future isn't going to look anything like you thought. It felt like the dementors were house guests for a while. This forum was a huge help when I was going through that so anything I can do to give help to someone who is going through the same thing, great!


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

😶


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


A lot of it seems to be people venting their bile and bitterness and anger toward the evil cheater because they haven't got past their own betrayal. The anger they feel towards the one who betrayed them is directed at the one who betrayed the one who is posting. They want to see them horribly punished and never ever forgiven. They hate it when a spouse wants to stay in the marriage and work it out because the 'evil' cheater doesn't deserve it and should be thrown into the outer darkness.
The worse the BS treats the WS the more they like it. They seem to want blood and suffering.
Reminds me of the Romans watching the gladiators in the arenas, baying for blood, giving the thumbs down so that the looser can be done away with.

I often find it very sad and disturbing to be honest.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of it is people venting their bile and bitterness and anger toward the evil cheater because they haven't got past their own betrayal. The anger they feel towards the one who betrayed them is directed at the one who betrayed the one who is posting. They want to see them horribly punished and never ever forgiven. They hate it when a spouse wants to stay in the marriage and work it out because the 'evil' cheater doesn't deserve it and should be thrown into the outer darkness.
> The worse the BS treats the WS the more they like it. They want blood and suffering.
> Reminds me of the Romans watching the gladiators in the arenas, baying for blood, giving the thumbs down so that the looser can be done away with.
> 
> I find it very sad and disturbing.


Or, perhaps lots of people realize what a complete betrayal cheating is, and realize that it means there is a deep, deep, severe issue at hand with the person they are married to who cheated on them. Because you see, lots of people don't cheat. Instead, they would talk to their spouse and attend counseling, work on the marriage, or initiate divorce rather than cheating. 

There are lots of posters p who try to help people who have been cheated on realize what a collosal problem there is with the person who cheated, and help counsel against ignoring this and reconciling _too soon and under false pretenses._


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Or, perhaps lots of people realize what a complete betrayal cheating is, and realize that it means there is a deep, deep, severe issue at hand with the person they are married to who cheated on them. Because you see, lots of people don't cheat. Instead, they would talk to their spouse and attend counseling, work on the marriage, or initiate divorce rather than cheating.
> 
> There are lots of posters p who try to help people who have been cheated on realize what a collosal problem there is with the person who cheated, and help counsel against ignoring this and reconciling _too soon and under false pretenses._


We all know that its a horrible betrayal but it's so unhealthy to be filled with bitterness and hatred years and years after the event. It's very unhealthy to want revenge on others who they don't even know and to cause more suffering in an already horrible situation, especially if there are children involved. 
Some here need to forgive and let the past go or it will carry on damaging them and make them physically and mentally ill.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> 😶


Cici. I'm not talking about posters who start a thread, but people who maniacally follow them posting posting endlessly on them. Well, you know exactly what I'm talking about...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> I'm not sure what your point is.





Sfort said:


> I will admit to being someone who reads infidelity posts from start to finish [...] I do so because of some questions I've struggled with most of my life that even predate my marriage. It's too early to tell if I'm helping or hurting myself. Time will tell.


To know this... ^^^


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Some people are very justice oriented. Perps getting their just deserts or helping the victims stand up against the ones committing the evil against them. Same reason some of us work in criminal justice fields.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of it seems to be people venting their bile and bitterness and anger toward the evil cheater because they haven't got past their own betrayal. The anger they feel towards the one who betrayed them is directed at the one who betrayed the one who is posting. They want to see them horribly punished and never ever forgiven. They hate it when a spouse wants to stay in the marriage and work it out because the 'evil' cheater doesn't deserve it and should be thrown into the outer darkness.
> The worse the BS treats the WS the more they like it. They seem to want blood and suffering.
> Reminds me of the Romans watching the gladiators in the arenas, baying for blood, giving the thumbs down so that the looser can be done away with.
> 
> I often find it very sad and disturbing to be honest.


Why be so negative here. Some people like myself are reliving our moment of discovery and self-empowerment and here is safe place to discuss it. And maybe there is something in that anecdote that helps the OP to make some sense of their situation.

There is a thing called toxic positivity but you won't see me saying I'm glad that my first husband had an affair, asked for a divorce, tried to take my friends so that he could keep tabs on me, etc. .....etc .....etc


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Why people love cheating stories? Way above my intellect. Its a phenomenon that I think you'll just have to guess at. Not only cheating stories but cheating songs enough to make the artist and composer wealthy. People project themselves into the song either as the victim or the culprit. Both stories and songs allow you immersed yourself in and empathize with the the situation but also distance yourself from this process. And it is inherently rewarding. One of the greatest cheating songs ever written to demonstrate my point. You either become her or her husband.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

NTA said:


> Why be so negative here. Some people like myself are reliving our moment of discovery and self-empowerment and here is safe place to discuss it. And maybe there is something in that anecdote that helps the OP to make some sense of their situation.
> 
> There is a thing called toxic positivity but you won't see me saying I'm glad that my first husband had an affair, asked for a divorce, tried to take my friends so that he could keep tabs on me, etc. .....etc .....etc


I didn't find any toxic positivity in the thread about my story. Just found people would would listen.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Why people love cheating stories? Way above my intellect. Its a phenomenon that I think you'll just have to guess at. Not only cheating stories but cheating songs enough to make the artist and composer wealthy. People project themselves into the song either as the victim or the culprit. Both stories and songs allow you immersed yourself in and empathize with the the situation but also distance yourself from this process. And it is inherently rewarding. One of the greatest cheating songs ever written to demonstrate my point. You either become her or her husband.


And I'll raise you .......


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Maybe it's like a soap opera addiction??? 

I don't know, but I had to stop myself from posting because I realized some threads are just hopeless and I really have better things to do. 

Not all posters are betrayed spouses, I've never been cheated on, I've never cheated.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't know, but I had to stop myself from posting because I realized some threads are just hopeless and I really have better things to do.


I read them sometimes and I have posted in them (very rarely), but the threads are usually full of bickering between posters and after a while I lose the will to live, to be honest. It's a massive never ending argument. Some posts are very nasty indeed. Why do people get so sucked in?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> Some of us are just long-winded. It's a gift


Add in, having too much idle time.
Ah but, what is idle time?

It is doing what others see as non-productive.

Is not venting productive, at least doing so at regular times, and this not being seen as compulsive?

Our minds need exercise.
Is what is seen here, an exercise in futility?

No. 
Not to the posters.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> Maybe it's like a soap opera addiction???
> 
> I don't know, but I had to stop myself from posting because I realized some threads are just hopeless and I really have better things to do.
> 
> Not all posters are betrayed spouses, I've never been cheated on, I've never cheated.


So many hours in the day, so many tasks to complete.
TAM partaking can be that task.

It can be a habit, a wasteful habit.

Many, are those who get, find themselves unhinged and they soon implode....ugh, ultimately banned.

Words can be caresses, or cuts, deep gashes, oh, some are maddening.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> We all know that its a horrible betrayal but it's so unhealthy to be filled with bitterness and hatred years and years after the event. It's very unhealthy to want revenge on others who they don't even know and to cause more suffering in an already horrible situation, especially if there are children involved.
> Some here need to forgive and let the past go or it will carry on damaging them and make them physically and mentally ill.


Not sure it's posters wanting revenge, sounds more like the people who have been through it are wanting to advise others who have just had their spouse cheat on them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Not sure it's posters wanting revenge, sounds more like the people who have been through it are wanting to advise others who have just had their spouse cheat on them.


I wish it was and for some you are right. Others though go far beyond that and all they want it to see the cheater punished no matter what. I appreciate that they are still dealing with their own demons, but sometimes their advise just isn't balanced or helpful.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


I initially found TAM while looking for data about female infidelity.

It was pure torment for me but I learned what I needed and worked through some demons in the process.

I now mostly try to avoid them, only glancing at some, ignoring most and rarely do I really get involved anymore.

It's ugly to begin with and many threads are suspect.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NTA said:


> And I'll raise you .......


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For some, it may be a form of therapy, but obsessive posting may also be an indication they need therapy for OCD!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

They make me feel extremely lucky to never have experienced these situations.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> They make me feel extremely lucky to never have experienced these situations.


A definite side effect of coming to TAM has been more of a realization of just how good Mrs. C and I have it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> They make me feel extremely lucky to never have experienced these situations.


It sucked going thru them but now I just laugh


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

As I have written on here before I feel like I am paying back. Being cheated on was the worst experience in my life, and I have had some bad ones. I post on other threads too, but I post on the cheating ones more because I remember the hopelessness I felt at the time. Most of my friends couldn't relate, and after a while didn't want to hear it which is understandable. So much of the time I felt like I was going through it alone. Though no ones fault, that made it all the more worse. It's my hope that my post will help give people clarity and empower them. Plus there is so much bad advice out there that basically blames the victim and there should be voices countering that.

To me cheating, particularly long term with gaslighting, is up their with the worst emotional abuse you can inflict on someone. I have read many post where the victim who has also been raped will call it worse because of the inherent trust they had in the person doing it, and the lack of support. That is not right. And the fact that some people can even say that says I am not off base.

If you think that is weird or whatever, that's OK. The amount of thank you's I have gotten and all the of posters who came here in the middle of the worst time in their life and have recovered with some of our help says we must be doing something right.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

> I initially found TAM while looking for data about female infidelity.


I found TAM because I was looking for info about OSFs and emotional affairs. Most of what I found were articles directed to the perpetrator and not to the betrayed partner. yeah, right, like most perpetrators want to break the status quo.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

English teacher here - humans love stories that follow the traditional story arc. In infidelity stories, we have the main character that's facing a conflict and we all want to keep reading until the conflict is resolved. There is almost always both the external conflict, between the BW and the WS, and an internal conflict where the BS struggles within themselves to make the right decision. Along the way is the rising action as the BS goes into discovery mode and then the climax when the cheating is confirmed and the WS is confronted. Falling action is the divorce or reconcilliation, which is when posters start to lose interest and the OP posts less and less. End of story, until the next one!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Or, perhaps lots of people realize what a complete betrayal cheating is, and realize that it means there is a deep, deep, severe issue at hand with the person they are married to who cheated on them. Because you see, lots of people don't cheat. Instead, they would talk to their spouse and attend counseling, work on the marriage, or initiate divorce rather than cheating.
> 
> There are lots of posters p who try to help people who have been cheated on realize what a collosal problem there is with the person who cheated, and help counsel against ignoring this and reconciling _too soon and under false pretenses._


Betrayal always begins with self... the rest is fallout from a lack of love and respect that we forget to recognize as we believe desire is worth the cost until it isn't.

By then it is often too late.

The more I understand of ego, the more I understand how fragile it can be... especially if one does not love themselves enough and learn to nurture that in healthy ways. Unfortunately, the easiest path is often the downhill one, few take the time to realize 3 steps of non-effort down requires 30 steps of effort up.

Loneliness is a brutal desire... it takes two to ensure this potential insecurity is recognized and addressed early if felt.

Couples that cannot communicate well will surely suffer though every step as a damaging desire to feel loved and appreciated in any way possible ends all trust and warmth if sought outside the relationship.

Infidelity is desperation incarnate, it required the utmost of compassion and boundaries from both sides.

Boundaries to reset our healthy standards, compassion to understand that the outcomes may not always be in our favor as we learn that loving ourselves more may only repair the damage inside and have little change from the cause and effect caused by poor choices.

While we are talking about cheating here, this also applies to most of our challenges with desires.

I approach threads of infidelity these days by reading the OP's initial post, if I read that and feel I have something to contribute I'll add a few thoughts, if I don't feel I can offer thoughts of value, I'll let it go.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

At least we're not trying to imitate Victorian novels in which the WW always has to die or at least be banished from society. or wear a red A on her outer clothing.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It looks like we have some regular posters who have no direct experience about the subject of the threads in which they're posting. Hmmm.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

NTA said:


> At least we're not trying to imitate Victorian novels in which the WW always has to die or at least be banished from society. or wear a red A on her outer clothing.


Sometimes they do go to jail 🤫


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There are a lot of threads that I don't bother reading, especially when they get really long. I don't have the time or desire to follow those threads or sift through the bickering. I've read and posted on infidelity threads for various reasons but at this point, it's a time killer. I need something to do while in boring meetings, in between meetings, or when I'm trapped because my wife or kids are asleep on me - like right now. 

The thread we're talking about, I think the main reason I've followed it (lazily) is because I can contribute something based on actual experience.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

On my end, here’s why:

In most of the cases I’ve read on men and women who cheat, unless there is absolute irrefutable proof, the BS is gaslit until they finally cave and since they don’t want to start over, they still live their spouse, and since they aren’t cheaters and can’t understand what is happening, they are totally victimized.

I dint like seeing someone hurt in such a vile way, then continue to be victimized by a cheater.

The reason I think Cici’s thread is so interesting is that:
1) She’s uncommonly honest about her innermost thoughts. Even the vilest ones.
2) Because very few people are this honest with themselves, people (me too) think she might just be someone who can fully grasp the scope of what she has done, why she did it, how to keep it from happening, and be a loyal spouse one day. And even betrayed spouses hope for someone to fix their marriage.
3). It’s a glimpse into the mindset of a cheater.
It helps understand where our own spouses heads may have been.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


Same reason people watch soap operas or survival series or read mysteries. Wanting to see how the stories turn out. Wanting to what is around the next bend in the trail. Maybe some see themselves or their ex or someone they know in the story. If nobody read the threads and threw their thoughts into the ring the threads would be real short and not interesting. Same reason social media ended up making some failed college geeks more money than most countries have. Humans like to read about and watch what the other humans are doing. And usually we convince ourselves that "well I don't have their problems"


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

To me there is a difference between love and passion. I don't love the infidelity posts but I am passionate about helping those who have been betrayed. It has more to do with knowing how they feel and trying to give them something I didn't have when I went through it. I just hope they don't make the same mistakes I made.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why does anyone post here, most are looking for help at least at first. Many are trying to help others. And unfortunately some think it's their responsibility to police other posters, but Karens are not a new phenomenon.

Infidelity is obviously, constantly the most emotional subject on these board so like any other emotional subject it's going to get the most attention. 

It's not rocket science..


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

NTA said:


> At least we're not trying to imitate Victorian novels in which the WW always has to die or at least be banished from society. *or wear a red A on her outer clothing*.


That was actually Puritan times, not Victorian.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sfort said:


> It looks like we have some regular posters who have no direct experience about the subject of the threads in which they're posting. Hmmm.


Being cheated on with the fallout and understanding how that came to be so one can move on are two different things.

When I was cheated on, that lack of understanding grew me to be an incredibly bitter person that lost far too much compassion in a soul that was already hard and just got harder as the desire for restitution of a failed marriage carried over in the arguments of my next.

Forgiveness and letting go is better... my children in the next marriage deserved better and even if that marriage didn't survive, my ex deserved better too.

I am where I am now is from this lesson and how it was learned... this is where I share from and how perhaps the difference of changing eyes instead of scenery is a healthier approach.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I almost NEVER read them. They are usually just too painful for me to read, and there are so many other people who offer help, that I don't feel like my perspective is needed at all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

manwithnoname said:


> Same reason people slow down on the highway to stare at an accident.


Hahahahha guilty 

Though a side reason is due to my satisfaction of seeing people finding their backbone and hopefully a happy ending.

Many threads have the betrayed spouse rug sweeping and then disappearing from the forum, not so satisfying, that's why the 'good guys' win in fiction, but hey, ultimately not our business.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Sometimes they do go to jail 🤫


Are you talking about Amy from Queens who shot Joe Buttfuoco's wife in the head. yeah, she did jailtime.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

NTA said:


> Are you talking about Amy from Queens who shot Joe Buttfuoco's wife in the head. yeah, she did jailtime.


Or my EX LOL


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I like reading the boards because the stories and the emotions are very raw. When I read a Q&A column it just seems so fake. Example:

A woman co habiting with her boyfriend learned that her bf was still sending money to his ex gf. 
You never learn how she found that out because of course, as a professional column writer, they can't advocate for snooping.
The letter writer says that the amount of money he sends doesn't matter since they share costs between them. Really?
And the most important, IMO, is that she says her bf said he will stop this in two months (or something like that) since he's been doing it for a year and he feels that she should be on her feet by then. This is the most important part of a problem like this: How would you approach your partner on this matter knowing that you would to keep the relationship without the leakage?

So the column writer has white washed a problem which I think a lot of women have to deal with. Even my husband told me that his stepfather was giving money to another woman. At that point i was too shy to ask for details and I wouldn't bring it up now. In any case, they've been together for more than 35 years.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I read those threads because I consider it group therapy, there's no way I'd share anything in person. Plus Cici is the first WS I've seen who seems to want to fix herself and her life and I'm intrigued to see if she's got what it takes to succeed. That would be wonderful, it would be a refreshing change.


Sfort said:


> It looks like we have some regular posters who have no direct experience about the subject of the threads in which they're posting. Hmmm.


I've wondered the same thing! Not to mention, how curious is it that many don't have their own threads.



Evinrude58 said:


> On my end, here’s why:
> 
> In most of the cases I’ve read on men and women who cheat unless there is absolute irrefutable proof, the BS is gaslit until they finally cave and since they don’t want to start over, they still live their spouse, and since they aren’t cheaters and can’t understand what is happening, they are totally victimized.
> 
> ...


This is exactly my fascination. It's similarl with my fascination with serial killers, what makes them tick.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

well, thank you for the explanations, I appreciate it... my point, though, wasn't just posting in them, but also the number of posts in one single thread by one single poster and sometimes what it seems to be an unhealthy investment into the poster's story... I find that rather puzzling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people are paying it forward. they received help when they first found TAM, they want to return the favour.

Nobody knows my wife had an affair. In fact a colleague told me "I love the fact that you and Mrs Matt love each other so much that I know she'd never cheat on you and that you'd never cheat on her." I didn't tell her otherwise that we had both cheated.

TAM has been my lifeline.

Many people come to TAM thinking "My husband/wife would never cheat on me!" Often times they learn that they did. Sometimes it's not cheating, but another issue that needs to be worked through.

The thing is, when people come to TAM/CWI they have already identified that there is a problem to be addressed. They come here like people go to see the doctor. Well people don't visit doctors, in general.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

minimalME said:


> To me, it's a way for people to escape/avoid looking at themselves. It's almost like an empty/disingenuous form of self-soothing.
> 
> It's a way to say, 'I'm better than that', 'I would never do that'.
> 
> ...


When one lady is laid out on _The Rack _and stretched, four ways from Sunday, many ladies also feel that pain, that hate.
The sisterhood is made to feel so vulnerable.

While they themselves may never cheat, they can see how other women might succumb to those desires.

Those desires that _might be_ less carnal, and more emotionally fulfilling.

Don't kid yourself, men (here on TAM) viciously attack as a means to intimidate all women.
Attack, any female who would dare cheat on their man.

That determined and united front likely does scare many ladies.
And prevents them from being naughty gals.

............................................

Note:

A very small number of lady cheaters are oddly forgiven, overtly or inwardly.
An odd thing, this.

Likely, from that particular _Siren's_ words and song. She touches men in warm places, and gets their blessings.

This often is noted by lady readers. It angers them when they see this hypocrisy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> When one lady is laid out on _The Rack _and stretched, four ways from Sunday, many ladies also feel that pain, that hate.
> The sisterhood is made to feel so vulnerable.
> 
> While they themselves may never cheat, they can see how other women might succumb to those desires.
> ...


I see it differently. I see men who have been cheated on sharing their past cheated on experiences. I don't see the advice as a vicious attack on all women 🤔


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> It can be a habit, a wasteful habit.


Tell me about it!!


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

For me personally, I tend to go through them because I'm detached from the situation. No matter if it's a betrayed spouse, or a wandering spouse, whatever is going on is typically fueled nearly 100% by emotion, then you consider that most of the population here has been betrayed in some way, and the emotion simply ramps up - like half the posts are non-involved posters bickering with each other, not having anything to do with the real-world situation.

I work hard to try and be the flip side of most arguments and present something that's detached and without emotion when I think there's value. AKA, "Have you considered...."


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


This is one of those topics here where it is not enough for some to agree to disagree. There is a group that believes that infidelity is 110% of the time a marriage ending event that should tar the offender with a scarlet 'C' for the rest of their life, and who will not drop the topic until you have either come around to their point of view or wearied of the debate. You don't reconcile with this person, you don't work on the marriage, you do everything in your power to destroy their life. 

Those who want to actually salvage an otherwise decent marriage have a tough row to hoe against that backdrop.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Cletus said:


> This is one of those topics here where it is not enough for some to agree to disagree. There is a group that believes that infidelity is 110% of the time a marriage ending event that should tar the offender with a scarlet 'C' for the rest of their life, and who will not drop the topic until you have either come around to their point of view or wearied of the debate. You don't reconcile with this person, you don't work on the marriage, you do everything in your power to destroy their life.
> 
> Those who want to actually salvage an otherwise decent marriage have a tough row to hoe against that backdrop.


Some people know R can be more often than not a catch 22. Heck, I wish I'd read some of these stories when I first came to TAM in 2011. But I smoked the hopium pipe thinking my XH would not "really cheat", b/c he was sorry for his EA, only for him to do it again and escalate nearly a decade later.

Personally, I hope to spare someone the pain of wasting years of their life on someone who has a really good chance of never changing for the better. I know part of me holding on was fear of leaving someone I had a history with just to end up with another cheating man. So it actually would be awesome if serial cheaters were really branded with a scarlet "C" .


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> Some people know R can be more often than not a catch 22. Heck, I wish I'd read some of these stories when I first came to TAM in 2011. But I smoked the hopium pipe thinking my XH would not "really cheat", b/c he was sorry for his EA, only for him to do it again and escalate nearly a decade later.
> 
> Personally, I hope to spare someone the pain of wasting years of their life on someone who has a really good chance of never changing for the better. I know part of me holding on was fear of leaving someone I had a history with just to end up with another cheating man. So it actually would be awesome if serial cheaters were really branded with a scarlet "C" .


Thanks for validating my point. I even understand why.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Thanks for validating my point. I even understand why.


I don't see how I did, but if you want to believe that, go for it. 

Personally, I can't see how anyone who truly loves and cares for someone can look at another person, much less plan and coordinate the logistics for having an affair and lying to their spouse every single day. 

I don't see how a marriage can be otherwise good in those circumstances, but everyone will have their own levels of what they will/won't accept.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’ve been the OW before twice, when I was young and single. Grew up in a culture where infidelity was the norm. Haven’t been cheated on and have never cheated on anyone. 

Will pop in here and there but the pages and pages one, nothing to hold my attention there anymore. 

Everyone loves a cheating story. All of us.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> Personally, I can't see how anyone who truly loves and cares for someone can look at another person, much less plan and coordinate the logistics for having an affair and lying to their spouse every single day.


This is what fascinates me most. Why don’t they just leave? Must be faulty wiring. On a spectrum of some sort? 

And it’s so textbook too, it’s the same story over and over. Why marry in the first place, why not leave first, why look elsewhere? 

It’s fascinating to me, I was exposed to this from a young age, so many of the cheaters I know are now elderly. The pattern is so familiar. The ones that did stay married appeared to develop serious issues in their 40s, that got worse in the coming decades. Like the car crash you can’t look away from. (3 of my grandparents were cheaters. Batty as hell 😀 now but as a child I could see that I was already ‘older’ than them and remember being embarrassed by them and wishing for ‘normal’ grandparents) Still thinking they’re all that, flirting in their 60s and 70s while everyone smiles quietly and listens and watches, making eye contact with other people in the room, smirking at them. The ones that moved on only moved on because their partners had to to the hard work to get the divorce. They are old and batty and alone with several marriages behind them, and obsessed with the partner that stood up to them. I see a lot of the elderly BS to this day, they all came out better off and seem well-adjusted and relaxed. 

Interesting stuff.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> This is what fascinates me most. Why don’t they just leave? Must be faulty wiring. On a spectrum of some sort?
> 
> And it’s so textbook too, it’s the same story over and over. *Why marry in the first place, why not leave first, why look elsewhere?*
> 
> ...


Because horrifically, a lot of spouses prefer to have their exit plan waiting in the wings, including another partner. 

Some cheaters on here describe being insecure and needing their ego boosted, some have described ED and tried to have an affair partner to "see if it could still work," some were deeply unhappy in their marriage but unwilling to leave so they commit an act they think will have their partner initiate a divorce, some break my heart with histories of trauma, abuse and just cheat because they think they aren't worthy of love, some because they aren't getting sex at home, some because they're bored and they can. Cheaters aren't the bad guy or gal every time much as I often see them as the villain. TAM has helped me to try and see things from the perspective of someone who cheats. 

After 2 relationships with cheaters I'm done with dating and men. I still love men, but I can't risk this happening again.

It's good that you have an insight into why you were the other woman when you were younger. Do you feel cheating is the norm now? Why? Or why not?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Ok, couldn't help it. Here's a break up song about how your partner didn't like your best friend all that much, but then leaves you for that person:


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I’ve been the OW before twice, when I was young and single. Grew up in a culture where infidelity was the norm. Haven’t been cheated on and have never cheated on anyone.
> 
> Will pop in here and there but the pages and pages one, nothing to hold my attention there anymore.
> 
> Everyone loves a cheating story. All of us.


There's a lot of fiction out there in which the main plotline is adultery.

My sister once remarked that on soap operas, it's all about birth, mating, changing partners and death. She determined that that was when the law needs to step in.

In any case, all good stories need a couple of conflicts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Serial cheaters rarely want a divorce (my exH definitely didn’t). They want all the comforts of being married while having fun on the side. I don’t know if they get married intending to be faithful or if they just always intend to do whatever they wish, married or not, but they certainly can complicate the lives of others.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There is a post in Cici's story today which actually takes almost a whole page... God knows how long it took the poster to write it...


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> There is a post in Cici's story today which actually takes almost a whole page... God knows how long it took the poster to write it...


Depends one one's mood with the topic. Some posts write themselves.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

NTA said:


> Some posts write themselves.


Interesting... at last... that's the secret.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> There is a post in Cici's story today which actually takes almost a whole page... God knows how long it took the poster to write it...


Look away, you can do this! Don't be the asshole on the freeway who is slowing down to 25mph just to rubberneck an accident on the other side of the fwy.

I have long suspected that some members have canned responses and just plug in pertinent details. Why keep reinventing the wheel?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Look away, you can do this!


I have stopped posting... lol



Blondilocks said:


> I have long suspected that some members have canned responses and just plug in pertinent details. Why keep reinventing the wheel?


That would be too easy... where's the fun in that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I have stopped posting... lol
> 
> 
> 
> That would be too easy... where's the fun in that?


But you haven’t stopped reading (or apparently commenting elsewhere). 

Sometimes you just have to move on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Openminded said:


> But you haven’t stopped reading (or apparently commenting elsewhere).
> 
> Sometimes you just have to move on.


It was a quick glance, I swear...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> It was a quick glance, I swear...


🤥🤥🤥 pants on fire.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I use to post a lot on these threads when I was still angry and bitter. It was all projection. I wanted the BS to send a heat sinking missle up their spouses rear end and send them to the trash bin. Now that I've moved on, I don't pay it any attention. I still think they should send the heat sinking missle and toss them in a garbage pail, but leading a horse to water and making it drink is too much wasted energy.

People will do what they want and need to do and there really is no right answer. Even though I don't believe for a second these former BS's that reconciled are as healed and happy as some try to spin it (especially on that other ridiculous site not to be named) since they are still around obsessing over it after so many years.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

My thread, like most other threads here, is essentially a back and forth conversation with multiple people - sometimes a very large group of people. Isn’t that the point of a message board? Just like any other conversation, certain people might have more to say or more to offer regarding the subject at hand. Is it really so weird to have several repeat posts when you’re all engaged in a conversation?
Why is it so surprising and, I might say, bothersome to you that some people post often?

My thread is also an ongoing situation in real time, so it can’t be compared to threads like “Is oral a requirement in a relationship.” In threads like that everyone gives their opinion, there’s some back and forth debate, and pretty soon everyone’s said their piece and the conversation is pretty much done.

Also remember that many of the posts come from the little side conversations and debates about various subjects that other posters (frequently not the OP) participate in. Many people can’t resist arguing their opinion on the topic at hand. Look at that other thread in the private section that’s blowing up and is also about an affair and pregnancy. Half the time (or most of the time based on whenever I peek in there) posters seem to be engaged in debates amongst themselves, not involving the OP, about all sorts of topics related to the main subject - cheating, how the OP will feel about his wife’s pregnancy, co-parenting vs. staying together for the kid.

Admittedly, I am shocked at what my thread has become. I figured I might get a handful of responses when I first posted, if that. But don’t worry, it’s uncool to post in my thread now and there’s really not much action happening either, so it’ll soon be a blip in TAM history 😉


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I use to post a lot on these threads when I was still angry and bitter. It was all projection. I wanted the BS to send a heat sinking missle up their spouses rear end and send them to the trash bin. Now that I've moved on, I don't pay it any attention. I still think they should send the heat sinking missle and toss them in a garbage pail, but leading a horse to water and making it drink is too much wasted energy.
> 
> People will do what they want and need to do and there really is no right answer. Even though I don't believe for a second these former BS's that reconciled are as healed and happy as some try to spin it (especially on that other ridiculous site not to be named) since they are still around obsessing over it after so many years.


Some people go broke for visiting a therapist for the rest of their lives. Would you be so caustic with someone who chose that path. For some being on TAM is about reinforcement. Just when you decided to let your guard down ......

i spend a lot of time revisiting incidents in my life with new added knowledge that I have on people in general; maybe more info on that person and so on. A lot of my interactions with my mother over the years, I realize now she was baiting me. Now I know to be more careful. sometimes I'll say, "I don't know" and don't care about the blast of invectives that would usually follow.ie "What, you stupid. You know what I am talking about." other times if it seems like a legit question, I'll ask why do you ask. Anyone with a legit reason for asking will tell you why. If it's no good reason, they'll simply say 'just asking."

Other good reasons for communicating with the board:
1. you have less chance of disclosing info that you didn't intend among people IRL and who could pass it on to others you know IRL.
2. you don't wear out the goodwill of your friends whether they have similar problems or not.


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## Cuobs (Apr 1, 2021)

.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> Admittedly, I am shocked at what my thread has become. I figured I might get a handful of responses when I first posted, if that. But don’t worry, it’s uncool to post in my thread now and there’s really not much action happening either, so it’ll soon be a blip in TAM history 😉


I am not a veteran here, but wouldn't be surprised if your thread breaks some sort of record. Maybe achieve #1 in TAM threads like you achieve #1 in other contests. A decade from now people will still be typing about cici1990 of 2021...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cici1990 said:


> But don’t worry, it’s uncool to post in my thread now and there’s really not much action happening either, so it’ll soon be a blip in TAM history 😉


I don't think so.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I don't see why activity on this board, indeed on this thread is put down. We're taught not ridicule those who pay good money to see a therapist.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


Have you gone through some of the older politics and religion threads. Now those are fascinating.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> But don’t worry, it’s uncool to post in my thread now and there’s really not much action happening either, so it’ll soon be a blip in TAM history 😉


Why is it uncool?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Have you gone through some of the older politics and religion threads. Now those are fascinating.


Nope... I tend to stay away from the "Social spot", politics and religion fora. I just get too involved and I could argue for months. It's not good for my mental health...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Nope... I tend to stay away from the "Social spot", politics and religion fora. I just get too involved and I could argue for months. It's not good for my mental health...


Smart man.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Smart man.


I do read them occasionally...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I do read them occasionally...


(Just glance at them)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CiCi’s thread is intoxicating. I know a few people like how I imagine them IRL that I would describe as “wild” where normal rules and boundaries and such get trod on and yet they stay together even with cheating and cheating amongst themselves.

I’m too conservative and plain to do the kind of things they do regularly (good for me) but it’s interesting to see how people live. I like my home life stable so I can find edges in other places.

Edit: In case it needs to be said I hope babies and mom come out champ status 100% strong and healthy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Openminded said:


> (Just glance at them)


I have to confess that I have posted in a cheating thread since...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> Nope... I tend to stay away from the "Social spot", politics and religion fora. I just get too involved and I could argue for months. It's not good for my mental health...


I hear ya. When I first came to TAM, those were the forums that hooked me. I was addicted!😂


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

People sure do love some cheating stories. On my website, two topics are guaranteed to get hits: Dead Bedrooms and Cheating. I have a youtube channel that is nothing but audio from my podcast. I hardly get any views there... lucky if I get a few hundred per video. EXCEPT for the video titled "7 Signs Your Wife is Cheating". That currently have over 21k views. Interesting... but sad. A lot of people, unfortunately, can relate to the whole cheating thing. It's traumatic and they want to try and understand and fix their pain. Most guys I talk to go through a very real manic period of overindulging in books, videos and blogs all about cheating. This is how they found me, after all...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

In Absentia said:


> There is one in particular... 268 pages in 3 months? I don't really see the attraction. It's just depressing. Some members write pages after pages... thousands of words. A bit weird to me. Any insights from serial culprits? It's a genuine question.


There's a few reasons I think. The first is there's a natural drama to them that's more interesting than most discussions.

The second is that they feel an emotional connection to the stories because of their own previous experiences, so they engage with the story more. People who have been previously hurt by cheating often carry a quiet seething rage about it all, and when they see a similar story to their own, they cannot help but re-experience their own trauma again. They hyper focus on the story because in a sense the story isn't just the OPs story, it's their story too. It reopens old wounds over and over and honestly just isn't helpful in their own healing.

The third reason is a genuine desire to help someone in a very bad situation.

And all those reasons can be in play at the same time. 

The one big problem with this is that often people give advice not completely in the interest of the OP, but as a vicarious fantasy of what they wished they did / would do. i.e. they wanted to kick their spouse out and smash them in court, but instead they just took them back and are miserable with no closure or progress... so they tell the OP to kick them out and smash them in court. So sometimes they don't actually want to help, but expedite the OPs story to the part they get some form of revenge against the cheating spouse. Even if all the revenge entails is living well, while the cheater has a come to Jesus moment of how they self-destructed everything for no reason and regret it all.

So it can get all rather messy at times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Also, there's the old expression "Misery loves company."


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

New fantastic thread just started!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> New fantastic thread just started!


You’re so funny! 😂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

minimalME said:


> You’re so funny! 😂


Thanks, but it's very juicy!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> It's very juicy!


😂😂😂


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> New fantastic thread just started!


The key word is 'fantastic'.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The key word is 'fantastic'.


Don't spoil things! But you might be right...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Question: Is there a sticky somewhere for Weightlifter's thread?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Question: Is there a sticky somewhere for Weightlifter's thread?


What's that? A weightlifter cheated on because too busy lifting weights?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> What's that? A weightlifter cheated on because too busy lifting weights?


A member named Weightlifter put together a list of evidence gathering.









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> A member named Weightlifter put together a list of evidence gathering.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Got it... I see that mentioned left (or lift  ) and right, but never knew what it was... actually, to be honest, I never bothered...


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## otomerican (May 27, 2021)

There's a detective aspect to cheating which is exciting to unravel. "I know what happened! She did it with Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the Candlestick!"

What does this person really do with their free time? Can you catch them in a lie? Or is it a case of unreliable narrator? People have different personas that they present to their partner and to others in the world. What's underneath the mask? Infidelity is a mystery box. I even think of pinpointing when past girlfriends likely cheated on me based on what they said at different times. Not out of regret as much as recalling the little things I failed/refused to acknowledge along the way.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

_“Why do people on Tam seem to love cheating stories?” _

Probably the same reason they flock to some of those other kinds of stories here when they pat you on your back and pretend to care.

Good old *Schadenfreude. *


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> A member named Weightlifter put together a list of evidence gathering.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Y'all have put a lot of thought into this I can tell. Looks a good list.

After I read the title I was thinking, well, people like train wrecks.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

C.C. says ... said:


> _“Why do people on Tam seem to love cheating stories?” _
> 
> Probably the same reason they flock to some of those other kinds of stories here when they pat you on your back and pretend to care.
> 
> Good old *Schadenfreude. *


Could it be same reason soap operas and reality shows are popular? People like watching other people in jam, wonder how they will escspe or if they will. Of course saying "this is what I would do in their shoes!" And since sex is core to cheating that makes it that much more attractive.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I've noticed that I prefer documentaries or dramas based on real events (even if a few facts are massaged for dramatic purposes.) Does anyone laugh at anyone who devours Tom Clancy novels?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Could it be same reason soap operas and reality shows are popular? People like watching other people in jam, wonder how they will escspe or if they will. Of course saying "this is what I would do in their shoes!" And since sex is core to cheating that makes it that much more attractive.


If you notice, these shows --soap operas and reality shows -- are about people having babies, getting married, dying, divorcing...... whatever creates financial, legal social conflicts. In the UK, there's this woman Katie Price who pretty sells herself. She did have a show and I was amazed that nieces liked it. It seemed as if she was kids, geting rid of partners, then getting new ones and so on. I guess it's the only way she can make money.


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