# need perspective and advice



## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

I am 32 year old man. I have been married for 7 years. I have a 2.5 yr old boy. I love my wife and child. 

Things have been difficult over the past year. Money and the stress of raising a child. 

My wife is a SAHM. Our 2 biggest issues are:
1. Fair distribution of work.
2. Money

My wife often looks frustrated and cranky when I come home and gets even more irritated when I bring back work home. Our boy is a handful, and that wears her down. I have good weeks where I can come home by 5-6PM and take him for playtime, but some weeks I get back by 7. 

I help by giving him a bath sometimes, getting him ready for bed, reading nighttime stories. But , in all honesty , there are days I can't. I probably do this, 30-40% of the nights. 

On the weekends I will take him out on playtime about half of the time. Most times I will ask my wife to come along. 

I understand its tough for her, and offer for her to have a girl's night once a week, where I come home early and take care of our son. 

I sense growing resentment from her, that I don't do enough. She gets very frustrated and is borderline hostile towards the child. I am trying my best to be a provider and focus my energies on securing our financial future. My hope was that she would just cope better with the stressful situation at home and not be constantly angry or frustrated. 

I know I am far from a good husband. but I feel I am too exhausted at the end of the day to do more. I usually wake up 1-2 hours before my wife so I can get work done. 

I am quite upset with the dynamic at home. Is anyone else feeling this conflict between working dad and SAHM??


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

Do you know your schedule in advance, or is your work such that you won't know until that day that it might be until 7ish when you are home? 

Is your wife open to discussing expectations and responsibilities in a civil fashion?

Is your wife open to getting a job--something she can do a couple times a week--where your son can be in a mother's-day-out program at a local church or YMCA so HE can get playtime and socialize, SHE can get out, and you can ALL unwind? 

My oldest son has ADHD--mother's day out programs saved my sanity while I was between jobs and ACTIVELY looking for a month or so. To be a better mom I did need to have some "me" time, which involved WORKING, doing something, and it helped my son become better acclimated for preK and grade school. I was a single mom at the time. 

If your communication is good, and she's open to it, maybe while you BOTH take your son out, you can discuss a program like this so she can have some time to do something she wants/needs, like take a class, scrapbook, work, or do SOMETHING. 

You can't be expected to come home after a full day and be able to give 110% AND deal with an attitude, and she can't be expected to care for the son, house, dinner AND be super at everything else. Sounds like you can both benefit from a schedule discussion in a civil fashion...best of luck!


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

od82 said:


> I sense growing resentment from her, that I don't do enough. ...I am quite upset with the dynamic at home. Is anyone else feeling this conflict between working dad and SAHM??


First, this is very, very common. But many men fail to pick up on it until things are very bitter. So pat yourself on the back for facing this square.

I have two pieces of advice:

1) It is very likely that you need to curtail your spending to provide some breathing room. Cutting spending is hard but often that is what is required.

2) Talk with your wife to get a better understanding of her frustrations and desires for the marriage. Often men overlook simple things that could improve the marriage.


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

My work is flexible. Which goes both ways. I can not show up if there is a need at home. But I might also need to checkin on emails past dinner. 

We talk. She is understanding. But she gets tired of talking and gets more stressed. I think we are both overwhelmed. I get very lukewarm towards her if she displays hostility towards our son. And that will sometimes snowball. There are issues with money and control. She feels I control her too much. I admit controlling her spending habits. To which she submits but resentful. I feel I cannot accommodate her tastes with my income. 

She does NOT want to work, never wanted to. I knew that getting into the marriage. And I was naive to think I could support a family on my own and do it with poise. 

I will try to find ways where she gets time off more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is clearly in over her head. Not all women do well as SAHMs.

Does she have other female friends who are SAHMs? If you live in the USA, get her to check out meetup.com There are meetup groups for mothers with children. She could take your child to some of these so that she can have social interaction with adults while your son plays with other children. This can really help.

Both you and your wife are working all day. You say that you are tired when you come home and need the break. I'm sure that she is tired too... but her work continues long after you are home.

How many hours a week do you work on average?

If you legitimately have to work after hours from home, then you have to do that and she needs to realize this. But when you are not working you need to be doing about 50% of what is needed at that particular time.

One thing I noticed is that it sounds like you and your wife get little to no time together as a couple. This is a marriage killer and is probably a also a large part of the problem.

There is a good book that could help the two of you: "His Needs, Her Needs"


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

My TOUGH work day starts at 7:30AM. I log in and work. Then catch a 8:45 shuttle to work. Lunch is 20-30 mins. Take shuttle back home ~ 6 PM. Get home ~7PM. Might keep working till 11-12 midnight. 

Easier days will end nicely at 6. But I will spend a few hours managing finances. This could be reading about the markets, setting up trades for the next day. Assessing our spending, and planning big expenses. 

I am trying to put together a downpayment in the bay area. This has proven extremely stressful. 

If I could do 50% of house work after I came back home, I suppose things would be a lot better. But I feel thats not always fair to me. Perhaps therein lies my contribution to the problems. 

We eat out 2-3 times a week. Despite out tight budget, thats my way of giving my wife a break. I am extremely frugal , but make sure that she gets an allowance.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Howdy Od:*

You’ve received some excellent advice and some from two of the “regulars” whom I particularly admire. Let me share with you some of my, off the top of my head, things Ms. Spin and I have done to address this:

•	I take my little units on weekend camping trips with the YMCA Indian Guides and Princesses programs. Gives Ms. a weekend of “me” time and it’s a great Father/Child bonding platform. Plus you’ll get to know some other Dads that are excellent family oriented individuals. And at 2.5 years, you’re getting close to “of age” in my book – which means to me you’ve at least got em’ in pull-ups. Diaper stage is a bit much for camping IMHO.

•	Weekend projects. If I have to make a run to Tractor Supply, Office Max, etc. I take the little units. A couple hours here and there is greatly appreciated by Ms. Spin.

•	I know money is an issue for ya’ all, but I get Ms. Spin gift certificates for massages and pedicures. Of course, I’ll keep herd on the little units while she is off.

•	We also have a couple women come in every other week to help clean for a couple hours. 

•	I know the previous items may be a bit out of budget, but frankly forgoing regular visits to Starbucks or going out to eat for the cleaning ladies – 100% no brainer if you can do it. Seriously do look at “eating out” and Starbucks expenses. 

•	Definitely take-up the services of a Mother’s Day Off or other pre-school program offered through your local churches. Notwithstanding what your religious convictions may or may not be, most programs are open to anyone and it is an excellent platform for intellectual and emotional development of your children. Again, it is also an excellent source to make acquaintances of likeminded parents in your community.

•	Ms. Spin is in a monthly book club which meets at various member’s houses. Age range is from 20 to 70+ – intellectual stimulation and development is always good. Plus, it keeps Ms. Spin busy (reading) so I don’t have to fight with her on Sunday night when I want to watch NASCAR – it’s a given she’ll tape/TiVO Downton Abbey – or whatever “subversive” PBS programing she is currently following.

•	I constantly remind Ms. how proud I am of what she is doing (as a SAHM) for the family, our children’s development and the development of other children. Good SAHMs are (IMHO) the keystone to the development of our children and our society. As you go along in life, you will notice it is the SAHMs who drive the PTA, after school programs, the Cub Scout Dens, the Daisy and Brownie Troops and so on and so on. It really does take a village to raise a child and your wife is a most important element of that.

•	Constantly remind your wife about how beautiful, sexy and desirable she is. Also remember she is not always going to feel that way and frankly, at this stage in your lives (2.5 year old), “too tired for sex” is a legitimate “excuse”. This does not mean however, that a half an hour of unrequited cunnilingus on Thursday won’t have larger dividends on Saturday.

Good luck, it ain’t easy but we’re pulling for you my Brother!

Warm regards,

Spin


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

Wow, you must be a model husband. I could take a page from your book. 

I try to do some of the things you have listed. But perhaps I could do them more often or with more grace. 

Ms od has a bunch of social outlets. Mom club & friends. 

Eating out is perhaps the only luxury we have. Wife loves it. Probably would prefer that to cleaning help. But I will ask her. 

I suppose I have never quite taken care of my son for the whole day or weekend other than on special occasions like mother's day and things like that.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

I could never be a sahm. Some women can do it. Some women can't. I have respect for both types of mothers. 

There's a huge silver lining in this cloud. Your son is old enough to go to preschool soon. And he can even go to day care now. 

It might help your wife to find a job. She might not be cut out for being a stay at home. Or perhaps- getting a job might make her miss being a sahm. 

Either way. Her working- can get her out of the house for some hours of the day- , do something besides the duties of being a sahm, and her job needs to cover at least the cost of day care. This may sound silly. Having ur wife get a job- just to pay for day care- but in reality- this may "save" or tremendously help your marriage. 

Do you have relatives that live nearby- that could babysit. You mentioned living on a tight budget. So I'm guessing you two going out together - having date nights might not be possible- due to babysit costs? One of my sets of babysitters- are nieces of my neighbors. They are high school, honor roll students. Very sweet and responsible girls. And they only charge $5 an hour. Do you have any teenager nieces? 

And wanting her to have a girls night. How often were you thinking? Bc some husbands think - once a month. But I think how many she wants should be left to her- as long as it seems reasonable. 

This may come off as me sounding like- mom needs to get out there and party- and forget her duties at home. But I'm not suggesting that. I'm suggesting a "mental flush" - that can help her reset. 

I really think a job- even part time- can make her feel more fulfilled. You would think that simply being a mother might make all mothers feel completely fulfilled. But it's not the case for me. And it's not the case for many.

When I get home from work (530)- I'm able to be the best mom I can be for the next 3-4 hours until bed time. And Friday night is my date night w my SO. And the weekends are reserved for my kids. Bc I don't have to be "mom mom" 168 hours a week- the time I do spend with them- are super precious for me. 

This is why I really really admire sahms. Their strength, patience, and energy is truly inspirational.


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

I am an immigrant worker, my wife does not have a legal right to work. 
We have no family here either. 

She does have girl's night every week. Which helps somewhat. 

I can see that getting her to work might make her appreciate my point of view more and might give her more perspective. 

We have never done baby-sitting. We take turns to go out. I watch the bay when she goes, and she does the same for me. 

We are worried about the expense of pre-school. I just don't understand how people can afford it. I doubt we can do the regular pre-school thing, which, alas, won't give my wife much of a break.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

It's really good that she gets her time to connect with friends - but it's really important to also have time for the two of you to have your date night. 

With that being said- I understand that right now- finances and your child is the number one priority. My parents came here as immigrants- on a student visa. My dad got his masters degree while my mother, who is a dr- had to wait tables until she got her work visa and licensed to work in medicine in the USA (she learned English in high school). 

Where was I? They had to leave me with my grandparents in china until I was four. One year from kindergarten. So I can really relate to how difficult things can be for a family with a young one. 

You must figure out how to ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that. How many families do you guys have play dates with? Ask one other couple if you guys can babysit each other's kids on the other's date night. I think date nights are so important- bc it reminds you of the early marriage days- as well as helps you reconnect with your spouse. 

You are a wonderful husband and father for recognizing and wanting to tend to your wife's needs. If day care is out of question- at least know this- kindergarten is about 2 years away. 

Perhaps you and her can put your heads together and think of some fun hobbies that can become a small home business? For instance- if she's a good seamstress- she can do little cash jobs. In her case. It's really not about the money- but it's giving her a mental reset. If she enjoys some school-subjects- she can tutor. 

Hang in there-


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

thanks for everyone's kind words. It good to hear how others cope. I will definitely try a date night, soon. 

We do have friends who offer to watch the little one, but we never want to impose. Perhaps we should take them up on that offer.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

You may want to consider having your wife go back to work and get away from the house...The hostility that she shows does concern me...Raising children is not easy....You may find that day care would work well and both give you/her more money and more time to enjoy life...Take care...Caroline....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

od82 said:


> I suppose I have never quite taken care of my son for the whole day or weekend other than on special occasions like mother's day and things like that.


od, this is huge. The entire time my DD24 was growing up, I kept asking for ONE THING as a present for birthday/Mother's Day/Christmas: for my husband to take my daughter away for the weekend so I could just BE. Just BE all by myself, just be me, not to have to be a wife or mother for at least a day, to sleep in if I wanted, to go spend 5 hours at the bookstore if I wanted without him calling and asking me what I was doing, to go eat Mexican food with a book since he and she didn't like Mexican food...

Do you see the difference in taking the kid for 2 hours and taking the kid for 12 hours? He did once take her to the next town for about 5 hours, never did give me the weekend. But those 5 hours meant a LOT to me, to have that freedom.

Think about it. If the idea of being responsible for your son for 24 hours is scary, think how oppressive it is to HER, when she never gets a break from it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

od82 said:


> I am an immigrant worker, my wife does not have a legal right to work.
> We have no family here either.
> 
> We are worried about the expense of pre-school. I just don't understand how people can afford it. I doubt we can do the regular pre-school thing, which, alas, won't give my wife much of a break.


Are you in the US? There are a TON of agencies that will help you with all kinds of support, such as reduced-fee preschool or daycare. Start looking them up. 

And if you belong to a church, they likely have a Mother's Day out where she can leave the baby there for a few hours. And you can start or join a babysitter co-op in your neighborhood where you take turns watching each other's kids for a few hours once a month or so, so that each couple gets one night out.

You simply MUST keep dating your wife, away from your child. She needs to know she's still a human, an adult, desirable.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

od82 said:


> . . . . We are worried about the expense of pre-school. I just don't understand how people can afford it. I doubt we can do the regular pre-school thing, which, alas, won't give my wife much of a break.


Od:

Do take a good look at the local churches and other somewhat faith-based programs in your area e.g., YMCA, Boys and Girls Club, or in some areas local government run community centers for MDO (Mother’s Day Out and Pre-School Programs). 

As a rule of thumb they tend to run on a sliding scale fee adjusted on your income.

Another great value in getting Ms. Od some “me time” is a YMCA membership. They do sliding scale membership fees. She can do her pilates or yoga classes and they (most all that I know) have free day care during that time. In addition, she will meet other Mother’s with young children and that creates “Play Date” opportunities. YMCA has great youth sports and that can give you Saturday morning soccer with the little unit and Ms. Od a little break as well.

If I sound like I sit on the Board of a local YMCA, I do, but there are many other great organizations doing this type of work out there as well and for us it has been a fundamental element in raising our children and maintaining our sanity at times.

Warm regards,

Spin


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Sounds like you feel the pressure to provide, being the only working parent, and consequently you sound like you are maybe a bit of a workaholic. This takes away from family time. Although she has a right to want a break and your support, she also sounds like she feels a bit of entitlement, that you cannot provide. How much is she putting into the family and relationship dynamic? It shouldn't be all you. I'm sorry but a SAHM with only 1 child needs take out food three times a week? Nope, she is milking the situation and doesn't sound like she's totally invested in it. Either that, or she could be depressed.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

ONE 2 1/5 year old boy is a handful? Really???

So you work your ass off at a job, come home, and she flings the kid at you for "her" time?? 

Thats ridiculous...tell her its time for HER to get a job so YOU can work less, be home more...and you both will divy up the house stuff

When my ex didnt work, I worked full time, she did ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework,...I came home, ate and spent time with the family...weekends I did manly stuff, lawn work, fixed things or remodeled...she NEVER flung the kids at me and ran for the salon...kidS...not ONE kid...jeez

Once she started working, I learned to cook LOL...we divied up the housework...too many women feel entitled to be treated like princesses because of that gold mine betwixt their legs...sorry...aint happenin...women are like buses, there will ALWAYS be another one along shortly


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

We finally had date night after almost 2.5 years...Things seem better. Relaxed.


I have been trying to work harder and more ambitiously, since my boy turned 1, when I realized that a good school means a more expensive home. I give it my 100% and don't have anything left. I have stopped working out. I don't spend anything on myself. Family comes first.

She is honestly repentant for not being able to handle the situation, I sincerely think she is genuinely overwhelmed. Some people just don't have it in them. 

I suppose part of the issue is that she comes from a family where fiscal discipline was not taught and as an adult she simply cannot grasp the seriousness of money management.

The other thing is perhaps my mindset has become fairly traditional. I feel that she should be able to keep the house and raise the child without losing it every other week or so. I feel like I do my part, she also does hers, but with a lot of outward show of stress and frustration. 

This signals to me that I need to be doing more to help her, but because I can't and because of the lack of peaceful home when I come back, I also get stressed and agitated. She is trying to tell me how tough her day was. I am thinking, my day was pretty rough too, and its all downhill from there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

od82 said:


> The other thing is perhaps my mindset has become fairly traditional. I feel that she should be able to keep the house and raise the child without losing it every other week or so. I feel like I do my part, she also does hers, but with a lot of outward show of stress and frustration.


She SHOULD be able to. Billions of women before her have been able to.

It sounds to me more like she was raised to be selfish with no work ethics and is struggling to understand that once you have a husband, you share responsibilities like not spending him out of house and home. And once you have a child you're responsible for putting the child first, AHEAD of themselves. Sounds like she's having trouble grasping the concept. 

Maybe a couple visits to a marriage therapist, where she can hear what being a big girl is all about?

That said, make sure she gets at least one afternoon a week to be alone away from you guys - shopping or nail salon or reading or exercising...something that keeps her just her and not what everyone else needs her to be. I would have killed to have had that. In fact, as I was raising DD24, the one thing I kept asking my husband for as a gift was for him to take DD and go away for the weekend, so I could just be alone, myself, by myself, in my own home.


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