# How do you help your (male) partner find friends?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiance and I are transplanted from our hometowns and university towns. I sometimes feel that he started his EA because she provided him with a social life. And he continued to refer to her as "his only friend" in town. By that time he had been in this town for 18 months.

At this point, I don't give anyone a free pass for hanging out with anyone toxic because they have no ohter friends. But I would like to know how you help/ encourage/ push an adult (male) to get out there and cultivate new friendships.

we live in London which is thriving with many longtimers and transplants. Lots of meetups and other specialist groups. He and I both live in the city so quite often we're a few tube /metro /subway stations from a lot of what is going on.

what keeps someone from making their own friends?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

not having time to do so.

not having any regular social activities to take part in.

being a socially awkward penguin.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Being introverted.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Or having tried and failed too many times. 

Not finding any activities of their interest near where you live.

Being depressed.


All of these were my husband until about 4 months ago. He moved to stay with me in my country of origin, and found it very difficult to make friends here at first. I tried to help, I took him with me to social gatherings with people he might enjoy (pub quizzes, house parties of some of my more awesome friends). He had a good time but he never made friends. I suggested starting a hobby or volunteer work of some sort. He hated all my ideas. I even posted around the internet looking for other expats to hang out with. He hated them all.

So I stopped trying. I thought: "his problem, his to fix". I continued to support him. I made sure to always validate his feelings of loneliness or longing for his old friends. I made sure he had time to still talk to those old friends without me hovering over him. I made sure to show interest and approval if he came up with an idea to try, an event to go to or someone to meet, with or without me. 

Finally he started finding people that he enjoyed spending time with. Most of them by coincidence, and then through mutual friends, some he met in meet-ups and some he started talking to online over common interests. He's much happier, as am I, because I don't have to carry the burden of being his one and only supporter and company. 

(Some people here love being the one and only best friend of their spouse. I love my husband and he is my no 1 in everything, but I also have a need for close friendships and good contact with my family. Before my H made friends here, I think we could both feel the unbalance of him clinging on to me while I felt the need to reach out to a support system of my own, in order to have enough energy to support my H w/ the difficulty of immigration.)

Why was his EA the only one to provide him with a social life? How much do you two hang out together? Do you bring him to meet your friends or do things with him together with other people? Even though I learned to think "his problem, his to fix", I did make sure to envite my husband along if I was invited to something he could find interesting, made sure to introduce him to my friends (even if these were girlfriends that I would most of the time want to meet alone for girly chatter) and just tried to find things to do together in general.

Anyway long story short my point is: in my experience there's not much you can do. You can't make him have friends. But you can create an environment where he feel supported and encouraged to try out new ways to find mates and to socialize (note: both actitivies you both like and interests of his you don't share).


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

anonim said:


> not having time to do so.
> 
> not having any to take part in.
> 
> being a socially awkward penguin.


I agree with Anonim, regular social and recreational activities are a must, for social growth. If he doesn't have any activities of his own that you can encourage, do things as a couple to get out and and meet other couples. 

When ever we slow down socially we'll join some activity and go from there. I've made friends for life, while in my thirties and forties, through social groups.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

what does he like to do? Hobbies, sports, etc...

You can go online and find groups for what he likes. Put 2 star wars geek together and they can talk on hours about the movies. Make them talk about something else and dead silence.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As adults it can be hard to find friends. Men can be particularly bad at this.

Perhaps you could help him find friends by joining group with him that do things that the two of you enjoy.

What I have found works well is to meet other couples who like to do what the two of you like to do. Then the men hang out together sometimes. The women do too. 

I do not know is this web site has things to do in London, but here is one site that has some interesting things to do in many cities...


Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

look on craigslist in the activity partner section


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

he and I met at a meetup activity. Ironically, he met his EA at a meetup activity as well.


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