# This trigger didn't send me spiraling. Must be progress!



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Last night before bedtime, my 4 year old and I were talking about our next camping trip and he said "I wish daddy would come" and I said "daddy will take you guys camping this summer" and he said "no, I want us ALL to go TOGETHER" and I said "well, things are different now and daddy and I are not together anymore" and he said "I wish we were all together".

This morning, I was getting my clothes out of my closet and he said "is this still daddy's closet?" and I said "no, it's just mine now" and he said "well is it daddy's and your closet?" I said no, "just mine now". Then he said "I wish it was daddy's closet too. I wish daddy could come home and this could be his closet too and he could take naps with you and wake up with you and we could all go do something together, like go to the zoo and come home together. And we could take naps and wake up and go downstairs and play together. Like we used to."

It made me sad, but what can we do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I wish I new wildflower cause my 3 almost 4 year old asks to do things all together too. Or his thing is he wants daddy to hang out with him at our house, it hurts to say no. I hope that someday in the future when im over all of it and he has pulled his head out of his a** that we can occasionally, do things together as a family- but that is to be determined.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yuck.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I have been experiencing that w/ my younger ones too, but my 8 yr old is seeming to be okay, but my 6 and 4 yr old are not quite understanding it.

My 8 yr old chimes in and brings up a step dad and would like to have me find a replacement dad but it's too early for that ( I know) but he is thinking about it. 

If it just saddens you but doesn't send you down it's progress!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ugh... that is so damn sad.

Forgive me if I sound insensitive, but there are times when I'm glad I don't have kids. If my son said that to me I would be on the floor balling.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Ugh... that is so damn sad.
> 
> Forgive me if I sound insensitive, but there are times when I'm glad I don't have kids. If my son said that to me I would be on the floor balling.


No, you definitely are not being insensitive. Don't get me wrong, I cried. Then, when I left their room after kissing them goodnight, I cried more. Then (don't judge me people!), I took a cigarette out of my emergency stash (emotional emergencies), poured myself a glass of wine, then went out on the patio to enjoy both. I tried to stay strong for him though because he's seen me so sad for so long. It wasn't until VERY recently that I've been feeling a lot better. I mean ALOT better. I guess I finally grasped the fact that I won't get closure. That I don't know what is going through his head, and never will. Guess that's my closure. The acceptance that this is the way it is and I have to deal with it. I just know that I've got to be a rock for my kids and be the best mommy I can be. 

There are times when I hate STBXH for putting us through this by not wanting to work on things, by "playing house" for 15 years and deciding he wanted out. Wishing that I never met him, or that he had his damn epiphany before we had kids. But, I have to say, I can't regret him giving me 3 perfect little ones. Though I love them to death, I think it makes the situation that much harder. Having to explain to them and remind them all the time that "Daddy isn't coming over tonight". 

We'll get through this. We all will eventually.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Wildflower3 said:


> There are times when I hate STBXH for putting us through this by not wanting to work on things, by "playing house" for 15 years and deciding he wanted out. Wishing that I never met him, or that he had his damn epiphany before we had kids. But, I have to say, I can't regret him giving me 3 perfect little ones. Though I love them to death, I think it makes the situation that much harder. Having to explain to them and remind them all the time that "Daddy isn't coming over tonight".
> 
> We'll get through this. We all will eventually.


A friend told me a while ago that she believes that people enter our lives for a reason. Some people leave and go. But, everyone enters our lives for a reason--and at that time, we need those people for whatever reason --to learn to love, to learn to live, to learn to care, to learn to lose, to love to appreciate, and to learn to grow.

She always tells me that she believes that my STBXH entered my life for a reason...he gave me a perfect son, and he taught me a lot of lessons, and I believe that I taught him a lot too. However, he has served his purpose, and it is time to move on now. 

So, although I did once have those times when I think about my STBXH and say "I wish I never met you you poophead!!! Get out of my life forever you piece of poop!"...now, after some time has past, I realize that I don't really regret having him in my life. I really don't have many regrets anymore.

I see my future, and I believe it is going to be much brighter than my past. ...but,my son is only 15 months old. So, he is not asking questions. I am sure that it is soooo much more difficult for those of you with older kids. I can't imagine!...but, we don't have a choice, do we? We just have to pick up the pieces and deal with it as best as we can....even if it means taking a drag from a cigarette once in a while.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

jpr said:


> A friend told me a while ago that she believes that people enter our lives for a reason. Some people leave and go. But, everyone enters our lives for a reason--and at that time, we need those people for whatever reason --to learn to love, to learn to live, to learn to care, to learn to lose, to love to appreciate, and to learn to grow.
> 
> She always tells me that she believes that my STBXH entered my life for a reason...he gave me a perfect son, and he taught me a lot of lessons, and I believe that I taught him a lot too. However, he has served his purpose, and it is time to move on now.
> 
> ...



jpr, I think we are in sync. If you were local, we'd have to go out and have a few drinks together! 

I have been thinking about that the past few days - that he had a positive purpose in my life. I really don't have any regrets, I don't blame him anymore, I don't resent him. I do have slips of anger here and there, mainly when there is a big trigger, like mediation and other irritating things he does, but it's not as strong and doesn't knock me down as long.

Things are looking good at the moment!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am glad our separation happened last summer when our little one was only 2 and not 3. It was hard THEN with her crying for daddy and asking for him. I couldn't handle the questions and her thoughts now. 

Good for you for not falling apart. It is sad, but .....that's on your ex, his lame choice. But for you, life goes on.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Another would've been trigger a month ago...

So, he comes over this evening to be with the kids and before I bolt, he tells me that he got a job offer that he turned down. I asked "why" only because I felt bad for not asking. Anyway, the conversation got interrupted before he could finish. Right before I left, he brought it up again and said "I turned it down because it'd be alot to handle." I asked if it was because he'd be starting grad school in the fall. Baiting him. He said "I know there would be late meetings on ... blah blah blah". Basically he said he turned it down because it would cut into his visitation times. Then proceeded to tell me that it was "a bad move, but..." Why even tell me if it was never going to happen anyway? What reaction was he expecting? Was I supposed to say "Oh, how noble of you", or "What do you want? A medal?" For the first time ever, he turned something down and put his family first. Or, did he want me to say "Well, don't worry about the nights you are supposed to come over. I've got it covered." Probably the latter. He wanted the job. But, I didn't even respond. I said, ok. Shut my card door and left. 

I would've been irritated before because he always put work first. He was always in meetings or what not and would get home late or not answer my texts, etc. Now, I'm indifferent. What a feeling! Indifference!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Wildflower3 said:


> jpr, I think we are in sync. If you were local, we'd have to go out and have a few drinks together!
> 
> I have been thinking about that the past few days - that he had a positive purpose in my life. I really don't have any regrets, I don't blame him anymore, I don't resent him. I do have slips of anger here and there, mainly when there is a big trigger, like mediation and other irritating things he does, but it's not as strong and doesn't knock me down as long.
> 
> Things are looking good at the moment!


I feel that way too, actually! Having a beer with someone who could relate would be sooooooooo wonderful right now!

hang in there....you are doing so well. WE are doing so well.  Really. This is so hard. But, you know what? ...we are handling it...we are dealing with it....and we will triumph!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Last night before bedtime, my 4 year old and I were talking about our next camping trip and he said "I wish daddy would come" and I said "daddy will take you guys camping this summer" and he said "no, I want us ALL to go TOGETHER" and I said "well, things are different now and daddy and I are not together anymore" and he said "I wish we were all together".
> 
> This morning, I was getting my clothes out of my closet and he said "is this still daddy's closet?" and I said "no, it's just mine now" and he said "well is it daddy's and your closet?" I said no, "just mine now". Then he said "I wish it was daddy's closet too. I wish daddy could come home and this could be his closet too and he could take naps with you and wake up with you and we could all go do something together, like go to the zoo and come home together. And we could take naps and wake up and go downstairs and play together. Like we used to."
> 
> ...


My 4 year old has been crying recent nights with me. It kills me. I cry along with her and assure her my love and her mom's love and that we'll be all right. She just cries mommy and daddy together.

I have no idea if she cries this way in front of my wife. 

It won't stop. The questions, disappointment, sadness, etc. from our children will remain throughout their lives. And, it angers me that the lives they got used to for their entire lives now will be different.

Wildflower and jpr, I'm glad to hear you are progressing. Enjoy the happy moments, or rather, the not so devastating moments.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

So jpr, Jayb, and some of you with the 3 and 4 yrs olds how else are you dealing with it? we only told mine that daddy doesn't live with us anymore, he seems to fully understand that. We have not said anything about actual divorce to him, thinking it would just confuse him. The other week it broke my heart when he asked to look at pictures of when me an daddy got married ( obviously i took them down after stbxh left and my son noticed they are gone) I just told him " no not right now maybe another time". How else are you all dealing with this type of stuff?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> So jpr, Jayb, and some of you with the 3 and 4 yrs olds how else are you dealing with it? we only told mine that daddy doesn't live with us anymore, he seems to fully understand that. We have not said anything about actual divorce to him, thinking it would just confuse him. The other week it broke my heart when he asked to look at pictures of when me an daddy got married ( obviously i took them down after stbxh left and my son noticed they are gone) I just told him " no not right now maybe another time". How else are you all dealing with this type of stuff?



Lots of activities with both siblings.

Constantly reviewing upcoming schedules (today, tomorrow you'll be with me overnight, then the next 3 days you will be with mommy)

Physical touching - hugs, tickling

Reassure love - Lately we both have been saing, "I love you so much."

Tell them it's ok to be sad and talk about it. 

Tell them, the future will be happy.

Tell them the other spouse and extended family all love them.

Tell them, we'll all get through this together.

I read something the other day that said instead of referring to divorced houselholds with children as broken, refer to the new dynamic as rearranged. It takes the negative aspect out of it. Because, no matter wht, this is our new normal. So, things/our lives will be different. And we'll make the best out of this situation.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> So jpr, Jayb, and some of you with the 3 and 4 yrs olds how else are you dealing with it? we only told mine that daddy doesn't live with us anymore, he seems to fully understand that. We have not said anything about actual divorce to him, thinking it would just confuse him. The other week it broke my heart when he asked to look at pictures of when me an daddy got married ( obviously i took them down after stbxh left and my son noticed they are gone) I just told him " no not right now maybe another time". How else are you all dealing with this type of stuff?


I haven't had to tackle this sort of thing yet....and I am not sure if I will have to deal with it to the same extent that some of you. My ex-husband left me when my son was just 8 months old. He takes my son every other weekend....so, I have been pretty much raising him on my own. (I have no family near me). 

So, since my son is sort of growing up this way, I guess I am hoping that he will think this sort of thing is "normal"...sadly.

Regardless, he is not talking yet, and he is not acting out at all when he is with me.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Like jayb said, don't hide your emotions from your kids. They need to know that it's okay to be sad. And you need to be able to talk them through it.

Tell the truth. Don't sugar coat anything. They need to be able to deal with it.

And as my therapist said, your job is to not trash STBX and not to make excuses for STBX. If "why" questions come up regarding STBX, you can't give answers, because you simply don't know the answers. Your simple answer would be "your going to have to ask daddy/mommy." For instance, one of the first times I used this tactic was when I took my kids on a hike and my oldest asked why daddy wasn't with us and I simply said "well, you're going to have to ask daddy". Now, I didn't invite him, but in terms of the whys that will always come up in the future, the answer lies within STBX. I didn't invite him, but the "why" I didn't invite him is for Daddy to answer, not me. 

So...
...show emotions and work through them together
...tell the truth, don't sugar coat
...don't trash STBX
...don't make excuses for STBX
...tell them they are going to have to ask Mommy/Daddy when they ask "why". You don't know the answers. Only they do.
...let them know they are loved by telling them and showing them. The Five Love Languages of Children is helping me tremendously


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

jpr said:


> So, since my son is sort of growing up this way, I guess I am hoping that he will think this sort of thing is "normal"...sadly.
> 
> Regardless, he is not talking yet, and he is not acting out at all when he is with me.


I asked my therapist about all this being "normal" for my 15 month old. I asked him if she would see him as just the guy who comes over 2-3 nights a week, and the guy she stays with every other weekend with her brothers. He said that she will know him as her father (with a big long explanation of how children learn), but the type of relationship they have will depend on them. Today, when he drove up the driveway as we were playing outside, she did smile really BIG and whisper "dada".


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