# yes there is hope almost sure



## calvin

Ok,I've been snooping around here for a few months this site has been a big help.I feel for everyone out there who are going through relationship problems.I never thought the pain of a potential breakup was this real.It hurst mentally and physically.Plain and simple.I'm 43 steelworker,do 65 hours a week,up at 4am 6 days.Wife is 40 works 9 hours a week at pre-school,calls it her paid hobbey.Married 20 years two kids daughter is 17 my son is 12,pretty good kids.Wife suffers from anxiety problems due to her parents.She has had her mom hold a knife to her throat,shove food down her mouth and more.I havent helped the situation.I had anger and temper problems,I never hit her or called her names but was a big mouthed jerk at times.we both have 5 IC sessions apiece for our issues and have just started MC together.Sex has always been an issue,I want 3-4 times a week,her 1-2 a month.I like projects around the house,she like reallity t.v. 4-5 hours a day.after a bad argument she kicked me out 3.5 months ago,I went to a shelter for a week then came back,I have a legal right to be here.slept in seperate rooms for awhile,got to get back into our bed after a month.Yeah I did get the love you not in love with you talk.I have changed and am a better person she is trying.Sex is coming around slowley and the other good stuff to,kissing,hugging and da snuggles.She has been hot and kinda cold but things seem to be lookin up,Thank God.I thought 3 months ago I wished I would die but I knew there was always some hope.Sorry I know this is long.I pursued her,worked on my faults to let her see if she wasnt still happy then she needed to take a look at herself.Marriage cousler is a good one almost seems like he is on my side sometimes,sometimes not.We are learning to appreciate eachother more.....God there is so much to say and not enough time or space but YES! We are re-building and it feels good! So anyone out there who is hurting dont give up.I thought my world was over.Its not.I see a new beginning and the future looks good.I wish you the best


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## EleGirl

Sounds like you are making progress. Hope it all works out for you.


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## Dellia

Nice of you to share and I am so happy for you


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## ghostchaser204

Get the book The 5 Love Languages, about the best book for a guy in your siutation. Sex 3-4 times a week is kinda much, most women do not want to do it that much after the first two years of marriage. You guys may need to negotiate that.."Like honey you are so attractive to me and I like to make love to you as much as possible, I know it's been a point of conflict with us and I would like to work this out". It's not accusatory and constructive


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## calvin

calvin said:


> Ok,I've been snooping around here for a few months this site has been a big help.I feel for everyone out there who are going through relationship problems.I never thought the pain of a potential breakup was this real.It hurst mentally and physically.Plain and simple.I'm 43 steelworker,do 65 hours a week,up at 4am 6 days.Wife is 40 works 9 hours a week at pre-school,calls it her paid hobbey.Married 20 years two kids daughter is 17 my son is 12,pretty good kids.Wife suffers from anxiety problems due to her parents.She has had her mom hold a knife to her throat,shove food down her mouth and more.I havent helped the situation.I had anger and temper problems,I never hit her or called her names but was a big mouthed jerk at times.we both have 5 IC sessions apiece for our issues and have just started MC together.Sex has always been an issue,I want 3-4 times a week,her 1-2 a month.I like projects around the house,she like reallity t.v. 4-5 hours a day.after a bad argument she kicked me out 3.5 months ago,I went to a shelter for a week then came back,I have a legal right to be here.slept in seperate rooms for awhile,got to get back into our bed after a month.Yeah I did get the love you not in love with you talk.I have changed and am a better person she is trying.Sex is coming around slowley and the other good stuff to,kissing,hugging and da snuggles.She has been hot and kinda cold but things seem to be lookin up,Thank God.I thought 3 months ago I wished I would die but I knew there was always some hope.Sorry I know this is long.I pursued her,worked on my faults to let her see if she wasnt still happy then she needed to take a look at herself.Marriage cousler is a good one almost seems like he is on my side sometimes,sometimes not.We are learning to appreciate eachother more.....God there is so much to say and not enough time or space but YES! We are re-building and it feels good! So anyone out there who is hurting dont give up.I thought my world was over.Its not.I see a new beginning and the future looks good.I wish you the best


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## calvin

things are still looking good,cant wait till next MC session. I have to pace myself on this,find me rushing things just a little. I need to let it develope slowly.Dont want to push her but things are so much better. never lose sight or take your spouse for granted.we both have been guilty of that. God I feel so much better.Lots of long hugs here and there too : )
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## Meatpuppet

Posts like yours give us all hope, Cal. Please keep us informed, and keep it up!


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## calvin

I hope our reconciliation isnt de-railing already.she admits that she isnt doing much to help our marriage and she acknowledges that I am working at it and she says she is impressed with my progress.She also is not looking foward to MC this week because she doesnt want to talk about her issues.I've sent her two to three text from work this past week asking how her day was going and I end my text with a I love you.She text back "ok,see u later" she has also told me that if I "spoil her" things will be fine. Now I'm getting confused about this whole thing.Maybe I'm reading this all wrong.Guess I'll find out more in the next couple days.
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## ghostchaser204

calvin said:


> I hope our reconciliation isnt de-railing already.she admits that she isnt doing much to help our marriage and she acknowledges that I am working at it and she says she is impressed with my progress.She also is not looking foward to MC this week because she doesnt want to talk about her issues.I've sent her two to three text from work this past week asking how her day was going and I end my text with a I love you.She text back "ok,see u later" she has also told me that if I "spoil her" things will be fine. Now I'm getting confused about this whole thing.Maybe I'm reading this all wrong.Guess I'll find out more in the next couple days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, some tough love for you. You have to step back and take an honest look at the dynamics of your marriage. She is wearing the pants here and you are running around like a lovesick puppy. I can tell you your respect in her eyes is eroding everyday. There is nothing wrong with being kind, considerate and loving towards her but not at the expense of your dignity. Her "If you spoil me"..wow just wow. You need to set some boundries and stick to them, she may resist but I can tell you she will respect you, find you attractive and desireable again then you can reconcile. Right now you are Nice Guying yourself right out the door. I know you may think your wife is your whole world, there is nobody like her. she is irreplaceable. Well bud I can tell you it's simply not true, they are all replaceable. My divorce is final in a cpl of months. I have been dating a dynamite gal, a definite upgrade over my soon to be ex, without all the *****iness, frigidity and attitude. When they know you can throw their as* out the door and replace them they seem to want to negotiate a true reconciliation. Go over to the No More Mr Nice guy forums and look the topic about marriages, post your story there and get good advice from guys with some stones who have been where you are at.

Women are the icing on your life not the cake.


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## calvin

Thanks ghost.No,no I wont let her or anyone clean their shoes off on me.I was raised on a farm,my Dad is a pastor and my mom was a cop,so I never got away with much but I wont put up with unreasonable demands.I've even been asked out twice but I want her not someone else and the spoil thing isnt gonna happen,I support us all pay all the bills.Everyone in my family has all their needs met plus a lot of their wants.Also help out her family with money and other stuff.I can be tough but fair,I showed her my "I wont be walked on look " after work today.She wants to know what my problem is. I just told her I'm feeling really good and I can handle any curve ball life throws at me.She a little quiet right now but I'm still being a opptimist about our future,there is something there in her eyes when she listens and looks at me,she DID have the upper hand for awhile but I had to take it back.I do really love her and I am not the type to give up easily.Ugh! Have to see how things develope here in the next few days.I have patience.
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## calvin

Wow,she wants to know why I am being "****y",I have not said anything inappropriate, and picked up supper.Not ****y.confident,which I've had to get back too.i was begging and pleading to her couple months ago.Big mistake. Then more hugs from her : ) women, especially the one in your life can be hard to figure out sometimes but I think I'm learning much more now.Thanx to everyone out there for listening you all make TAMS what it is. let you guys know what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ghostchaser204

calvin said:


> Thanks ghost.No,no I wont let her or anyone clean their shoes off on me.I was raised on a farm,my Dad is a pastor and my mom was a cop,so I never got away with much but I wont put up with unreasonable demands.I've even been asked out twice but I want her not someone else and the spoil thing isnt gonna happen,I support us all pay all the bills.Everyone in my family has all their needs met plus a lot of their wants.Also help out her family with money and other stuff.I can be tough but fair,I showed her my "I wont be walked on look " after work today.She wants to know what my problem is. I just told her I'm feeling really good and I can handle any curve ball life throws at me.She a little quiet right now but I'm still being a opptimist about our future,there is something there in her eyes when she listens and looks at me,she DID have the upper hand for awhile but I had to take it back.I do really love her and I am not the type to give up easily.Ugh! Have to see how things develope here in the next few days.I have patience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well then I apologize for my post taking you to the woodshed. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Handing the reigns of the relationship over to your wife is never a good thing to do. Women are driven primarily by emotions, men by logic, when they work in harmony, you get a synergy of a healthy relationship. Women are more finely tuned to pick up the nuances and problems in a marriage, but they can be a little too vague in expressing their displeasure more forcefully and clearly.


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## Catherine602

Calvin 
I can't tell you exactly what is happening with your wife but maybe I can offer some possibilities from a my point of view.

Since the change in your behavior is so new, she does not trust you to keep it up. She is being vigilant. She likes the person you are now. If she didn't she would not be affectionate.

When she asked you why you were being difficult, it is probably because she Is waiting for your old behavior to come back. Keep doing what you are doing now and don't take or give any disrespect.. She needs to feel respect for you to maintain the attraction, if she thinks you will do anything she wants she will not be attracted to you. When she pushes push back with love and gentleness. You are letting know that you are capable of being her hero and protecting her. 

It took a long time for your marriage to get to a bad place and it will take more than a few months to get back on track. Think of the long view and don't lose it when there is a setback for one day. Don't hang on her every word and deed.

The littles fluctuation will smooth out in the long run. Your mind may scream for reassurance but be outwardly calm, nice to her but back off and busy and wait for her to come to you. When she does be warm and welcoming. This may happen many times in the begining but she is testing you so don't fail by getting needy, or angry or aloof. 

Based on what you describ about her behavior, she likes the man you are now, she does not want tgat man to go away, she needs you to be strong and confident, when you are she may think you are reverting to old behaviors and she is going to test you severely so be ready. 

She will probably do things to see how you will react. There are some post about this on TAM maybe some of the other poster will direct you. It is important that you handle these with confidence calmness and with out anger. Don't let her vacillation get you rattled, she wants to make sure the old you is gone, and the new you is here to stay and she wants to test the new you to make sure you are a strong man. 

Also remember your wife played a part in the problems so don't take all of the responsibility. I am not saying that to derail what you are doing because it is great. I'd like you see yourself in a realistic way and to accept only your part in the problems which you have done and if you work hard, she should do the same. 

The best to you and Mrs C
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## calvin

thanks everyone,I have tried to assure her the old me is gone and he is, arguing didnt solve anything and I really dont want to go down that road anymore.I know my actions are proving to her that I'm willing to change and I have.MC told her I'm committed to this.I got my confidence back and that scares her a little maybe? Now she wants to know if I'm planning on leaving?of course I'm not but if things dont work out I know I can move on and I told her this.I want to be with her though.She's been texting me a lot at work today too. mmmm? Oh well tomorrow after work is big MC day,I had to write a list of what I feel her faults are.This is gonna be interesting. We already did my faults and honestly I think I'm a saint compared to most of her girlfriends husbands or boyfriends
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## calvin

Ok,MC gave me some cr#p today for the damage I've done in this marriage.Temper and anger problems,which I know I own.All mine.Wife vouched I'm doing way better but she is still scared I might go back,I wont do that.I feel I'm working my butt off on making perminant fixes in our marriage,wife admitts she is trying a little.MC told her I'm not getting a return on my "investment",I feel the same.She doesnt remember the "spoil me " clause she gave me a few days ago,she admitted to MC her lack of affection and appreciation,acknowledged this has been going on for years especially the intimacy. MC said maybe we are not right for eachother. (God...no) MC also says we need to tell eachother how we feel at the moment we are hurt or elevated by the other,a big wrong I did was bottleing up some stuff I should have told my wife a couple days ago and laying all my cards out during the MC session,big mistack on my part.she felt blindsighted,wont do that again.Communication is the key right now we both are going to work on that,tell each other how we feel at the moment something happens,no waiting.Its weird,she thing we're having a good day I think its not so good.Tough row to hoe here but we did dig out of the snow and had a decent talk. this isnt easy.
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## calvin

calvin said:


> Ok,MC gave me some cr#p today for the damage I've done in this marriage.Temper and anger problems,which I know I own.All mine.Wife vouched I'm doing way better but she is still scared I might go back,I wont do that.I feel I'm working my butt off on making perminant fixes in our marriage,wife admitts she is trying a little.MC told her I'm not getting a return on my "investment",I feel the same.She doesnt remember the "spoil me " clause she gave me a few days ago,she admitted to MC her lack of affection and appreciation,acknowledged this has been going on for years especially the intimacy. MC said maybe we are not right for eachother. (God...no) MC also says we need to tell eachother how we feel at the moment we are hurt or elevated by the other,a big wrong I did was bottleing up some stuff I should have told my wife a couple days ago and laying all my cards out during the MC session,big mistack on my part.she felt blindsighted,wont do that again.Communication is the key right now we both are going to work on that,tell each other how we feel at the moment something happens,no waiting.Its weird,she thing we're having a good day I think its not so good.Tough row to hoe here but we did dig out of the snow and had a decent talk. this isnt easy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

we're going to the casino tonight she said if I play my cards right I should hit the jackpot! : )
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## synthetic

Well? Did you hit the jackpot?


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## calvin

Yes I hit the jackpot.Hugs are for real,her putting her arms around me when we sleep,got more than a few I love yous from her and have had some really great sex.We dont hold in how we feel when we think we have been wronged by one of us,we talk it out then and there,which helps a lot.Its weird but we are getting in tune as to what makes eachother happy,we are recognizing the sacrifices we both make for each.MC was a BIG help,it opned up our eyes quite a bit.We're more thankful (I know she is)..communication is the key and us honning up on our listening skills has done a world of good in our relationship.I can truely say we both appreciate one another and we know we both have different skills and substinance to add to this marriage.We are getting out of this rut we have been in and we are both looking forward. Its funney how happiness was always just around the corner and I didnt do my part to make sure untill I peeked around that corner.I have learned a valuable lesson and I think she would say the same.So....things look good,I know all about the "honeymoon thing" but this seems real and she tells me she is impressed with me,told me I was quite the man.Told her she is too,she got a laugh out of it.so I think I'll stop posting here.I'm sure we will have some bumps but I KNOW we will make it because we love eachother.Guess I'll go to the general sections for the bumps in this recovery.She says I'm her rock and she's my anchor.....I think thats about right. Thanks you all for the help and guidence you all gave me.best of luck talk to you soon
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## synthetic

It gives me great pleasure to read your last post. I was getting really tired of the pro-divorce atmosphere in the separation/divorce section. I hope to be in your place very soon. What a humbling experience it is to be on the brink of losing your life partner. It's perhaps the greatest challenge in life.


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## calvin

Ok last,last post I promise.Just picked up supper and I'm in my truck in the garage.I'm crying and smiling cause of the way things are going which is great, we are going to make this work,we need eachother, I can see that,so can she. She has done a lot for me latley too.its weird but we both know what it would be like with out eachother to hold on to.God this is good!...happy for a change.K thanx guys all been a big help.Its funney,sometimes when you think the odds are against you and its hopless........Stuff happens : )
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## NotSoSureYet

Calvin.......you just made me cry with that last post.
I am in your W's position and if I could secretly "hear" my H say or feel those exact things, it would change my whole attitude. Good Luck with your life challenges!! I know you can make it through anything if you've made it through this rough road!!


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## sadwithouthim

Awww...thanks Calvin for the positivity and good luck to you. I'm jealous.....I wish my husband wasn't so stubborn and would give us another try.
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## calvin

sadwithouthim said:


> Awww...thanks Calvin for the positivity and good luck to you. I'm jealous.....I wish my husband wasn't so stubborn and would give us another try.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Hang in ther Sad and Not sure,we've had a few bumps but we made it through a terrible night and the dawn is coming and the clouds are breaking for us. Its a tired old clicthe but still true,you dont know what you've got till its gone.Thank you both for the kind words.Think I'll start posting some stuff in the relationship section and let you all know about the bumps we have had and the ones yet to come. Never surrender!
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## Sparkles422

Had to post.

I am meeting my ex after a request for peace email. We are meeting for coffee, for the first time in 7 months. He wants a clean slate. Wrote many compliments to me as well as mentioning egg shells and to just test the waters.

I don't know what this all means, after all we are divorced. But he did put a lot of effort into tracking me down. We had let the communication break down in our marriage. He resorted to EA.

Don't know what is up the road or what he has in mind. I just know that I still love him but if reconciliation is not in the cards, I have been able to put a new life together.

Continued happiness Calvin. Makes me really smile for you and your wife.


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## calvin

Guess I'm going to the divorce section after all.She told me last night that she only wants sex once every 2-3 months,she said the passion isnt there.when I get my head straight I'll post in the going through divorce section.I feel like I've just been hit by a Mack truck.
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## Sparkles422

calvin:

Is she in IC?

Your rollercoaster ride was more than down.
I imagine you don't understand what is going on. Who would? She doesn't even sound like she understands herself.

Best of luck and strength for whatever comes down the road. Don't let the mack truck roll over you too many times.


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## calvin

We both had 5 sessions of ic before we started mc, tonight will be our third and last session of mc I'm guessing this hurts, I still love her. I hope you have better luck Sparkels,thank you for the kind words.
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## synthetic

Calvin,

I'm very saddened by your last post. Your story is almost a mirror of mine, though my marriage is only 4 years old.

I'm going through the exact transformation that you did. I've become a new man and my wife is indeed scared of the changes but likes them.

I was so hoping your story would have a permanently good ending so I could think about it everyday and not give up. Now, I'm devastated. I truly feel your pain. 

Do you still hold hope or this is really it? 

I can't describe how sad I feel about this ending. It was like I was reading my own life story.


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## calvin

I think it is the end,she told me the only option now is devorce.I ve already started posting in the considering devoce section
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## bandit.45

Zombie thread!!!!


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