# husband's untreated ptsd destroying us



## Happy Serendipity (Mar 22, 2013)

This is a waffle so be warned.

My husband is ex police of 10 years and military (although never deployed). In the police he saw some terrible things. Let's call him H. 

Detracting a bit to explain how I've hung in there so far. I've lived a fun-flled life and am well-travelled. Seven years ago just as I completed my Masters Degree I went totally deaf although only 40 y/o. I was offered fantastic jobs before graduation - none of which I could accept due to the deafness. After every test on earth I was diagnosed and got one cochlear implant in 2007 and then the 2nd in late 2012. It is only after the second I am starting to feel 'normal' again. During this period I was pretty much unemployable. 

I also had a 7 year old when we met and H took him on the stepfather role.

H was earning huge money working OS in the oil industry and said I could live in his apartment as it was empty half the time and it made no sense to pay rent. I have never liked the town where the apartment was, but financially it made sense. I became totally dependant on him financially.

Every time he came home (5 wks on/3 wks off) he would pretty much spend the entire time on the computer or in front of the TV. It was a major ordeal just to get him to come for a walk with me. He would get angry whenever I tried to make him participate in family stuff. He got angry my son played soccer not rugby, angry I went to the gym. He was angry a lot. But I would never succumb to such stupidity. He said he never did anything at home because he wanted an acreage to look after.

I came home more than once and unseen by me I could see he was surfing one of those sites where you hook up with singles and other couples just for sex. I hever mentioned it.

In 2009 he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had them both removed. He's in recovery and seems to be going well. During this time he was awful, but I was supportive. I asked if he wanted counselling due to perceived loss of manhood or whatever, but he said he didn't because he didn't care - he never intended to have kids anyhow. That didn't make sense to me because I knew if I had the female version - a hysterectomy- it would have had a profound effect on me.

After 2 years I just couldn't stand that dustbowl hole of a town and demanded that we move. He refused and I said I'm going anyway. However he tagged along. Stupidly we bought a small farm.

Cut a long story short. Two years ago my (now 11 y/o) son had to use H's computer. We asked H first and he okayed it. When my son opened it his mouth just gaped open and he stared at me in shock. On the screen was a photo of a couple doing doggy and a letter from H with his phone number organising to hook up with them (on his own). I hit the roof. He denied it was there and told me I was mad and imagining things. So I did something I'm not proud of - I took a screenshot and emailed it to his family and best friend (a woman). Then I left for 5 days. He rang around and incredibly managed to russle up sympathy because it was all a reaction due to his cancer and loss of manhood. I was painted as the evil, unsupportive partner. Naturally he left out that I'd seen him doing this stuff before his cancer. When this all blew over he still refused to have therapy for the cancer 'because nothing was wrong'. He's addicted to porn and it's nothing to spend 15 hours per day on facebook while refusing to come to the beach or whatever with us.

Ok that's the backstory. Basically he's angry often. He scares my son's friends with his agressive driving. He calls tailgating at high speed 'assertive driving'. He comes up with the most far-fetched reasoning to justify his not participating in anything - he tries to do my head in and succeeds.

As soon as he's out of the country it's like i don't exist - no phone calls and emails very rare, but i can see when he's posted rubbish on facebook (so I cut him off so it's not rubbed in my face)

I have tried being upbeat, but people are a mirror and when people glare and sneer at you it's hard for it not to rub off. ie. one day the only thing he might say to my son is 'get the fxxx out of the shower'. I suggested over and over that he gets counselling for the post police ptsd as I know he's seen some really bad stuff - i.e he was a police diver as well, pulling murdered women out of rivers etc. His father is ex-navy and suffered ptsd and it destroyed his marriage - with H's mum kicking him out. The dad has implored him to have therapy and do something about the anger and depression. 

Basically he's no companion when home or away. His dad flew up a few months ago and H made some promises to make more effort contact wise. He never honoured them. The house is falling down. Any attempt top get him to fix stuff at the property is met with 'stop nagging'.

He's emotionally absent -i.e. when my son and I nearly drowned (rescued by surfers -it was traumatic) and came home bloody and beaten from the rocks he merely sneered at me. A hug would have been too much effort.

Before I continue I must be fair - with supporting us he is generous financially. He pays 2 mortgages, insurances, private health etc etc. My pay is my living allowance,but it's unreliable as it's casual work.

Anyhow a mth ago a film crew came to town. I saw a chance at a respite for both of us, so went and saw the producer and asked if he needed a fully furnished house to rent for some of the crew. He did and we would get $4K/week for 7 months. When I asked H by email he never responded. Instead he came home and told me he was leaving. I pointed out his depression making him act the way it does. I asked why he didn't respond to the chance to get such an income stream if he was leaving anyhow and he ignored me.

H's response to talking about depression was 'you are the cause of my anger and depression. It's all you.' 

I rang his mum and told her the whole story because I think she needs to know her son has depression and is doing a repeat performance of his dad's life basically. His dad's outlet was alcohol and H's is pornography. (i.e one harddrive had 350gigs of images on it. He says the oil company supplies it and emails it to them so he's not to blame) Naturally I got abused by him for that but I stood my ground as this was mother to mother and still believe I did the right thing.

I don't know what I'm looking for here really. Perspective perhaps. But does anybody think he may have ignored the film rental offer to control me - i.e. I wouldn't have to rely on him to pay the mortgage for a year at least. Also he left a Dear John letter Monday - never coming back, then rings me Weds night 'to see how everything's going'. Oh yes, a male's perspective would be welcome. Why would you take all your clothes and personal effects from the bedroom, but leave your two best suits and flash leather jacket in the wardrobe plus (his) photo of himself on the bedroom wall. He does my head in and I'm looking forward to some space to get some clarity.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

Ok,
I am going to say something to you and please listen. You and YOUR SON are being abused!! If he's gone, let him stay gone. Seriously you both deserve better. And guess what, your son is being imprinted by this man. Is that what you want to unleash on the world as a mother?

I don't care what excuses he has, you are being mistreated and you are allowing it by staying with him. 

I've walked your path, your story a few years ago would have been very triggering for me. It's not going to get better. 

If you haven't please read:

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That, Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? Reading that was like a lightbulb being shoved in my face in a dark, dark cave. 

Too Good To Leave, To Bad To Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum was another one that helped. 

Look IMO cheating, blaming, neglecting, etc.... That's abuse. Even if he never physically lays a hand on you, it's still abuse.


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## Happy Serendipity (Mar 22, 2013)

Thanks for your compassion and advice. I'm sorry you've been there also. I truly am seeing him in a new light. What I've been doing is called enabling a ptsd passive-aggressive apparently. Now I've read up on it a little (via this site) I can't believe I didn't work that out for myself. I will definitely purchase the books you suggest. I have read him the riot act on taking responsibility to fix himself before coming near us again. Not holding much hope out there though. Thanks so much. :smthumbup:


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## CantGetRight (May 16, 2013)

I'm a guy and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. For 38 years I walked this earth a free man with no major psychological issues, none that require treatment. For 16 years I have been married to my best friend. For 6 years I have been the father (a darn good one I might add) to triplets. 

That all got twisted for me the day I had a Meylogram with CT. The meylogram is similar to an epidural except just a bit deeper and they inject contrast dye. The doctor was having trouble positioning the needle and he struck my sciatic nerve. When I reacted with crazy pain, he left the room to go get help without saying a word. There I was on a cold table with a needle in the wrong spot in my spinal column. I laid there and cried for a minute. I then asked for my sins to be forgiven and for God to please take me. After the doc came back in and couldn't get the dye to move, the test was canceled. I was to sit on a gurney for an hour and if I left AMA I was potentially facing paying the entire bill because the insurance company might not pay.

Those people left me no choice. Everyone in that hospital heard me screaming. Everyone. They decided it was ok for me to be released in five minutes.

From that point my health rapidly declined. I slipped into the darkest place my mind had to offer and I rapidly pushed everyone away from me. I had surgery to repair my spinal issues and thought it was getting better. One week past, it was the first week of 2012, and I was deeper and darker than before. 

I sought treatment and had several complications. I should have been out of work for 3-5 weeks while recovering. It was 5 months before I was able to return to work. 

I was (and still am sometimes) a horrible person. I grew up with an abusive father and was well on my way to breaking that cycle in our family. PTSD threw 38 years of practice at not being my example to the wind. My kids stopped hugging me for no reason. My wife just wanted away from me. I probably would have gone somewhere away from me too but I couldn't run. 

I have a brilliant psychiatrist. He uses some kooky therapy but it works. These days we just talk about things because I don't react well to the meds. Hopefully in a month or so we can get back to EMDR therapy and I can avoid the situations that I regret by rewiring my brain. 

PTSD stole time from me. It stole my ability to see passed anger and hate and regret so that I could accept my faults, correct them and move on. 

I did not see it until very recently but my wife has been suffering from PTSD as well. Right before my health declined we lost her father suddenly. She was there for the meylogram and then she lost the husband, father and best friend that she desperately needed. 

For nearly two years and throughout my recovery her unchecked PTSD has allowed her to do some very, very hateful things. Things that were later blamed on me and my illness. Our marriage is solid enough to take this. I know that with absolute certainty. I also know that the scars this leaves wont soon, if ever, go away. 

It sounds like your investment in this relationship is minimal. He is so far withdrawn you couldn't be close to him if he were air and you were blue in the face. 

I have seen this illness from both sides. You need to make it simple for him. First find some way, wait for the right day...minute but ask him to seek treatment. Let him know that things have to change if he is unwilling to try. If he does seek treatment, you should still have your afairs in order so that you can pick up and leave and never look back.

My love and my responsibility is too deep to walk away. If you are staying because of circumstance fix it. If you are staying because your love is so great, be prepared because he will test everything in an effort to find what hurts most. Then he is going to use it over and over again with increasing severity.

Do your son a favor and give him a better example or no example at all. Either way he is going to be better off down the road. Untreated this man is a time bomb. When he explodes it won't be like the movies where they cut the right wire at the last second. Before you can even see it coming you could end up hurt physically and emotionally in ways that will impact you for a long time.

Most of all, remember to use your words carefully. In his mind he can connect dots that are not real.

Be safe and take care.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry for your pain. I have been where you are and its horrible. After awhile you start believing that you are the cause for the angry outbursts. You change how you do things solely to try to avoid the anger, and it doesn't work. Its like falling into a giant sinkhole.

You and your son ( and your H) deserve better out of life. You have to put you and your child's safety, both physical and emotional, first. There is nothing wrong with insisting that if he wants to continue any type of a relationship with you, he get help. If he refuses, or fails to, you must get out. Angry outbursts get worse.
Take care of yourselves and keep us posted.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Wow, that's a lot.

I'm a Marine veteran and combat veteran, been diagnosed with combat-related PTSD by more than one shrink, so maybe I can add some perspective.

The only person that can help your H is H. No amount of begging or pleading with him will convince him to get treatment. Even if you leave him forever, that may not be enough of a catalyst. He has to want it for himself.

Asking for that help is a very difficult thing for your H. Men with combat-related PTSD are warriors, right? Warriors don't need help, nor would we ever ask for it, because to do so would be weak...right?

Deep down, I'd bet your H feels equals parts fear and shame. Fear that he's the only person that's ever felt this way, and shame that he feels like he needs help to overcome something that his rational mind thinks he should be able to deal with on his own.

For him to get better, he has to overcome that fear and shame and ask for that help. He has to seek it for himself. You can't guilt him, shame him, argue him, beg him, or plead with him to make him do it. He'll just resent you, because every time you bring it up, deep down he probably feels like you're just pointing out his weakness and shame.

Also, I'm obviously no expert in PTSD, but some of your H's actions don't sound related to PTSD, specifically trolling the internet for sexual encounters. Again, I'm not expert and I could be wrong, but that just sounds like him being an @sshole, not a PTSD thing.


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## Whiner (May 22, 2013)

I've got to agree with those who say get away from him. No matter how wonderful he has the potential to be, he is definitely abusive at this stage in his life. I don't know much about PTSD. A lot of his actions sound passive aggressive-- or maybe a few sound pa and a lot just sound aggressive. Maybe the forums on separation could give you some guidance. Good luck to you and your son. You deserve better.


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