# No D word should be used during reconciliation?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife had a bit of a go at me today, wasn't a fight, not really. Anyways we've been reconciling but I was feeling threatened by the looming possibility of divorce so I wanted to find out from her where do we stand if we start heading there and if we can come to agreement with possible financial disputes (aka, I won't split my business, period)

She went off, saying that we shouldn't be discussing this and that the only thing we should focus on is making our marriage work. I told her that we have to be prepared for any decision, and the more on the same page we are the less court disputes we may have to go through, and nonetheless; it's best we both make informed decisions whether to stay or leave rather then last minute "OMFG moments". But she refuses to talk about it, assured me that she's not giving up on us as long as I don't, that it hurts to think about, etc etc.

I was rather encouraged by her determination to make things work between us so I dropped it. But... is this a bad move?
I don't know, I just hope she's not avoiding this topic because she's planning some crazy legal manuever or something while I have my guard down... guess I'm a bit paranoid.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's right. The D word should never ever be mentioned until "meet with attorney" is on your calendar. i know you just want to plan and that's fine just don't discuss it with her. Every thought you have does not have to be communicated. Some things truly are better left unsaid.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I guess... I just find it hard to get over the fact that nothing I have is divorce proof, and the possibility of losing what I've put my passion into for the last 4 years is eating at me. Yes I know we're not on that path as of this moment but damn... wish I could claim insurance for my business in the case of divorce!

It's like a disaster waiting over the horizon ready to hit me, and that I have to put my faith that it won't happen? But what if it does? She can turn around anytime and tell me "you know what? forget it" what then? She hasn't made any promises nor have I with reconciliation, I just wanted to come to some fair agreement prior to the inevitable emotional trauma that will surely result if the end comes.

I don't like being intimidated by my own wife even though she's not directly intimidating me, what she's capable of sure is. But yeah, fine... it's not right for me to bring it up, but settling things in court will be more difficult compared to settling it between ourselves.

Ah hell nevermind, I'll keep it to myself and put on my pretty face.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fair enough why don't you meet with an attorney and find out what your options are. Is your wife's name on the business? Can you protect it in some ways from it becoming a marital asset in case of divorce? 

And trying to settle things out of court is something you don't do until you're ready to divorce her. The only time I've heard of that is when you are doing a post-nup.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah I'm actually hoping for a post-nup but I don't think it's going to happen. To be honest I would be happy as long as my wife and I are on the same page and that I can sleep knowing she won't try to take my business if we do divorce. Of course I can't say it that bluntly - that's showing a weakness.

So I was merely attempting to get her to talk about it and reflect on what she says about it so I can get a handle on where I stand and what she's capable and/or willing to do if we do end up in that position. She would have none of it though as you can see.

The business is under my name but it doesn't offer much divorce protection and it still stands in risk of liquidation - its too late for that now with no prenup. The only 'protection' takes sacrifice such as the house/car/etc etc to try to balance up the value so that I can retain ownership of the business.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya the D word has no place when it comes to R. 

Its been 3 years to the day since I confronted Mrs. the-guy about all her boytoys and in the begining, D was mentioned just to keep her own her toes, but the last 2 years we haven't mentioned it once.

THREE FREAKING YEARS.....I'm going to pull by old thread up[if I can find it] and update. I heard some interesting stuff last night about the time line of her affair...well adultorus life style!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> To be honest I would be happy as long as my wife and I are on the same page and that I can sleep knowing she won't try to take my business if we do divorce.


The strategy is do all that you can and let the rest go. Losing sleep won't help you keep your business safe. And controlling what other people do rarely works.

Still it might help if you spoke to an attorney as to what the worst case scenario is. That way you can deal with it directly instead of worrying about things you have little control over.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Your wife put up with the D word for a year?
Hell my wife is already complaining and it's only been a few months lol

What interesting stuff? =O



> The strategy is do all that you can and let the rest go. Losing sleep won't help you keep your business safe. And controlling what other people do rarely works.
> 
> Still it might help if you spoke to an attorney as to what the worst case scenario is. That way you can deal with it directly instead of worrying about things you have little control over.


Yeah, guess that's best. I have sought legal advice but I haven't given them my balance sheet, yet they have informed me that the contribution level for a SAHM is equal to a sole provider's which would be fine with me except the fact that I can pay for a housekeeper/nanny for 4 years and still won't lose nearly as much cash as what my wife stands to inherit. The total value of our assets including the house/business/etc is quite a fair bit but the most value lies in my business which as such -> drives me PARANOID!



But of course, the contributions have yet to be assessed but just the general idea is enough to frighten me. All that hard work, from a street kid to a business owner... all liquidated into cash to be given to a woman who has never had to worry about money in her life. It's just depressing!

Hence why if I had a choice, to go back in time, FK marriage! My cash, your cash, no joint BS. *sigh*


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m going to disagree with the consensus here. D should be on the table. It isn’t a threat, it isn’t used to as a pathetic attempt to get her to ‘work’. It just is. There is an absolute; I can be in this relationship or not and she has zero freaking say about that. I have a redefined threshold point where I am perfectly fine divorcing her. What I will tolerate now is a lot less than it was before.

Wipe out her feelings that a spouse is ‘entitled’ to anything ‘just because’ she has a title (Mrs.). So, early in the R after repeated TT then a false R, I started ripping her apart and saying cruel things. She (and the MC) were flabbergasted I would do this because “that is not how you treat someone you are married too”. I brought it full circle; “While that may have been true once, you set the bar on what this relationship is like... I have accepted your terms and can treat you with every bit as much consideration as you’ve shown me. That is the starting point of this R which accurate reflects it’s current state you put it in.” Basically, I don’t believe in starting off with the ‘full marriage’ pretending when your wayward wasn’t too keen on the idea during their adultery. Start off where the marriage really is and build on it.

As such; Divorce should be on the table and openly discussed. The marriage is not secure, why pretend any different? Let them know the Plan B exist now.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well when I was in. my dumbassed EA I told Calvin I get half of everything..that was over a year ago..the last time he brought up D and said he just can't handle it was a couple months ago. It killed me and broke my heart but I told him if he feels that strong I'm not gonna fight for anything and he can have everything because I don't deserve it... I am still having a hard time forgiving myself. Let me just say, when he thinks about leaving me I freak and I cry and I panic and I can't move and Ican't believe I put us in this situation to begin with. It hurts me so much when he is hurting. I really do love him with ALL my heart. Honest to God I was sooo unplugged for years but the work we have put into our marriage this year has made it so much better. I like your wife am determined and will never give up. I will continually fight for him.. I will not let him give up that easily. A couple weeks ago he refused to go to MC. He was triggering like crazy. Last week we went together and were in a much better place. Does the rollercoaster ever end? I am doing all I can when he has bad days yet I AM his trigger : (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife has never been unfaithful which makes this hard. If she cheated on me I sure as hell won't be as calm and cautious as I am now. She's been doing almost everything right and is determined to make things work, for what reason whether material or love remains to be seen but regardless being hard on her now can be used against me when it comes to reconciliation.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> THREE FREAKING YEARS.....I'm going to pull by old thread up[if I can find it] and update. I heard some interesting stuff last night about the time line of her affair...well adultorus life style!


Has all that adulterous lifestyle stopped now, the guy? Hope it has for you and your marriage.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hence why if I had a choice, to go back in time, FK marriage! My cash, your cash, no joint BS. *sigh*


Hi

I personally don't think it's "marriage" (though I know what you mean). Usually, two people come together and we are stronger in many levels including financial aspects in an ideal scenario! 

I always knew my h wouldn't claim any of my assets accumulated prior to marriage if we were to divorce. (He has better things to do than "robbing" me.)

You married someone who's beautiful and talented but someone who could potentially sponge off your assets if things go wrong e.g. D. So your concern is valid. You probably married her because she had a child with you and you were crazy about her. 

You handed down all the financial control over to your wife as far back as 4 years ago. You made her very much aware that your assets are equally hers as well as yours. You made it easy for her to scre** you over at any time and you're uncomfortable about that. 

After all, it sounds like your Wife wants R seriously but she would always have the upper hands when it comes to money. In a way, it sounds as if she's your bank manager. You would keep a softly softly approach to avoid upsetting her who's holding your purse strings. 

You may be better off working with a legal expert when you're drawing up a P/N.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just had a bit of an update... on my thread on the financial section of this forum in regards to the post nup. It's, interesting =/


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Racer said:


> Start off where the marriage really is and build on it.
> 
> As such; Divorce should be on the table and openly discussed. The marriage is not secure, why pretend any different? Let them know the Plan B exist now.


I cannot agree more.


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