# Why Does She Want to Reconcile NOW?



## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

I'm going to make a long story as concise as possible. My wife started an affair with another married woman (we are in a same sex marriage in NY) and it was both emotional and physical. I found out through suspicion and later investigation. Finally, after being devastated, humiliated, lied to, and being treated like **** for months, my spouse admitted the affair. But she was very clear that she didn't want to discuss any details and she became upset/angry if I questioned her. 
By this time, she had already started looking for an apt to move into because 1) I found out that she had booked a secret a trip to visit the woman (this woman is an acquaintance from HS who she reconnected with on FB. As I said earlier, the OW is married to a man. She lives in my wife's hometown.) and there was no way she was coming back and living in our home after that. 2) My spouse had begun blaming me indirectly for what had happened and decided she needed "space" and time apart. 
When my spouse told me about the affair, since I already knew and had gone through hell the past few months trying to deal, my response was quite calm considering. She said she f-ed up, made bad decisions and was sorry. She said she no longer was in contact with the woman. I took her at her word even though as I said, she was annoyed when I questioned her further about it. 
We had also been in therapy together this entire time although my wife was hardly engaged and didn't follow thru consistently with her individual sessions. She didn't want to make love to me and she was entirely wishy washy about doing anything to help me recover from this huge betrayal. She put the responsibility solely on me to "get over it". 
So we're still living separately this entire time, although she didn't go on the trip. She was inconsistent with everything... calling, visiting, sharing...I never knew who I was gonna get. All of this led me to believe the affair was still going on. 
I tell her I know she's still involved with the OW and she doesn't deny it. I tell her that I'm filing divorce papers and she just needs to sign it so I can move on with my life. She tells me she's not ready for a divorce and to give her 3 more months. I refuse. 
She offers no reason why I should when I ask why. 
That night she's texting me saying how confused she is and how she doesn't know if she's making the right choices and she doesn't know what she's doing at all. I tell her she made a choice to keep the OW in her life and I was removing myself from the madness and I was no longer an option. 
She then tells me she doesn't know if she will sign the papers, which pisses me off because she has clearly chosen the relationship she wants so why would she try to keep me bound to her even longer. 
Oh yeah, one other funky fact: Our home together before she moved out, where I still live, has a lease that is up at the end of next month. Her suggestion: that I just move in with her! I tell her how stupid and insane that idea is and she actually gets irate, telling me I'm making life difficult. I don't understand why she would want me to live with her again after asking for time and space and getting a new gf. Why have me live with you when you know you're still involved with OW? How can you put me thru that again?
So I complete the papers and tell her she will be served and that she and OW deserve each other and then I block her number. 
Yesterday, I contact her one of my wife's real HS friends who I've met and exposed everything. Since they all went to school together, she knows OW (still lives in same small town) and was floored and disappointed at what I told her. She contacted my wife and told her off. 
I also contacted via FB OW's husband and daughter, exposing the affair to both. Maybe I should have done this months ago, but I didn't. I don't know if either of them have seen or checked their FB or how often.
Last night, my wife emails me saying she wants to work things out me and there is no 3rd party involved anymore and asked me to call her. 
Here is where I'm at a loss. Why now? Because I exposed? Or because she really realizes what a disaster she's made of her and my life and truly wants to be in this marriage? I can't gauge how genuine this is. We've been thru this before and it was all a lie. I haven't called her yet but I emailed her and said I need time to gather my thoughts before we speak. Her friend said that she sounded sincere about fixing the marriage when they spoke, but again, I'm not so sure. Where do I go from here?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why now? Probably because Plan A fell through (the OW didn't want to leave her h) You are Plan B and it's time for her to employ Plan B. 

If she refuses to give you the answers you need to make in order to reach a decision then the decision you need to make is obvious -dontcha think? 

How long have you two been together?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

your plan B and plan A fell through. 

so, she is going back to you since your better than nothing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

walkonmars said:


> Why now? Probably because Plan A fell through (the OW didn't want to leave her h) You are Plan B and it's time for her to employ Plan B.


Yep, exactly ^this.

She was worried about whether or not she was making the right choices? To hell w/ that. *Take* her choices away from her and divorce. Let her live w/ the choices that she's made. Don't let up at all.



MySurrealLife said:


> Here is where I'm at a loss. Why now? Because I exposed?


Again, yes. Or, to be more accurate, it's because OW decided that the juice wasn't worth the squeeze (I'm growing to love that phrase more and more) and, faced w/ the threat of divorce herself, dumped her. In fact, the 3 months that she asked for likely weren't for her at all -- she wanted to give OW time to make up her mind.



MySurrealLife said:


> Or because she really realizes what a disaster she's made of her and my life and truly wants to be in this marriage?


Nope. Again, you're Plan B. Don't be. No one deserves that.



MySurrealLife said:


> I can't gauge how genuine this is.


I'll do it for you. Her contrition, remorse, or whatever you want to call it isn't genuine at all. The only genuine feelings that she has at this point are for herself.



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


It is this time as well. Don't doubt yourself! Be strong!



MySurrealLife said:


> I haven't called her yet but I emailed her and said I need time to gather my thoughts before we speak.


Understandable, but it shouldn't take that long to type out, "I'm done w/ you and your lies, and I'm divorcing you."



MySurrealLife said:


> Her friend said that she sounded sincere about fixing the marriage when they spoke, but again, I'm not so sure.


Blah, blah, blah. If she lied to you, why wouldn't she lie to her friend?



MySurrealLife said:


> Where do I go from here?


Divorce. And then, Disneyworld! Or wherever. But by yourself. Or, to be more accurate, _w/o her_.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Plan A- not working.

Your WW is going for plan B i.e. you sis. Sorry, the truth sucks.


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

Oh wow! That's hard to hear but sounds true as hell. We've been married since Aug 2012 and started dating April 2011. Damn, here I am thinking this could be some profound turn-around for her but in actuality, I'm plan b! Geez! lol
So in your experience or from what you guys have witnessed, there's no chance she is being sincere? There's no coming back from this?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

MySurrealLife said:


> Oh wow! That's hard to hear but sounds true as hell. We've been married since Aug 2012 and started dating April 2011. Damn, here I am thinking this could be some profound turn-around for her but in actuality, I'm plan b! Geez! lol
> So in your experience or from what you guys have witnessed, there's no chance she is being sincere? *There's no coming back from this?*


No. Move on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MySurrealLife said:


> Oh wow! That's hard to hear but sounds true as hell. We've been married since Aug 2012 and started dating April 2011. Damn, here I am thinking this could be some profound turn-around for her but in actuality, I'm plan b! Geez! lol
> So in your experience or from what you guys have witnessed, there's no chance she is being sincere? There's no coming back from this?


To answer your question, No, not with her mindset. She considers her affair a private matter. That's for her and her memories only. You're there to hold her hand and make things better. 

Make things better for yourself and drop her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you are going NC with her. She does not sound truly remorseful.

The best thing you can do is to continue the 180, continue the divorce filing and move on. 

What happens when the next one comes and you are torn to bits again?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think there's much to hold on to... If nothing else, it seems like it would last until just after the next "plan a" showed up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WhiteRaven said:


> Plan A- not working.
> 
> Your WW is going for plan B i.e. you bro. Sorry, the truth sucks.


OP is a woman, not a "bro".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, do you like drama in your life ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> OP is a woman, not a "bro".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was gonna point that out but I didn't want to break WR's "flow". Plus I'm sure the sentiment would be the same either way.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

MySurrealLife said:


> Oh wow! That's hard to hear but sounds true as hell. We've been married since Aug 2012 and started dating April 2011. Damn, here I am thinking this could be some profound turn-around for her but in actuality, I'm plan b! Geez! lol
> So in your experience or from what you guys have witnessed, there's no chance she is being sincere? There's no coming back from this?


We've seen cheaters who when they're thrown to the curb by their affair partners "wake up from the fog" and come crawling back to their spouse begging for forgiveness. Generally we recommend against taking the spouse back at this point, as a part of your brain will always know that the cheater only picked you because the other option didn't work out, and it will eat away at you. 

The amount of disrespect she's shown for you is staggering when you think about it. She lied to your face for months, even continuing to do so once it was obvious you knew about the affair. Even after admitting the affair the first time she continued to lie so that she could continue the affair without letting you move on. 

Then once you finally decided to move on for your own health, she tells you she's not ready to let you divorce her. In her mind she was so much better than you that she expected you to just wait for her on the off chance she would decide to take you back (Take YOU Back, as if you're the one who has done something wrong and have to earn her love back). she never even considered that her actions would make you fall out of love with her, because you were so far below her in worth obviously you'd accept her with open arms if things didn't work out with the new woman. 

You upset that fantasy by deciding to push for divorce and threatening to take away her Plan B. Then you upset it more by taking away her Plan A. Now she's suddenly ready to work on your marriage, content to know that you'll forget all about her cheating in a few weeks and things will go back to normal so she can be comfortable while she looks for another girl to upgrade to. 

Could you get her back? Maybe. Even probably. At least for a while until she does this again. But even if you two do manage to mend fences and stay together forever, it will never again be an equal partnership. You'll be the one who was so afraid to be alone you took back a woman who had spit in your face. Or she'll be the POS ex-cheater who has to spend the rest of her life working to make it up to you. Either way, it's not a relationship worth having. Go find someone who will really love and respect you, not just use you until they get bored


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Since plan “A” didn’t work out she wants to be with you.

_"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with”

Stephen Stills_


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> OP is a woman, not a "bro".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was embarrassing.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's a first time? repeat offender. She needs to be someone else's problem, not yours. Distance and D is your friend.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

divorce her.
you can reconcile later and get remarried if you want, but she will know for the rest of her life that you WILL drop her ass if she tries to make you plan B again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MySurrealLife said:


> Oh wow! That's hard to hear but sounds true as hell. We've been married since Aug 2012 and started dating April 2011. Damn, here I am thinking this could be some profound turn-around for her but in actuality, I'm plan b! Geez! lol
> So in your experience or from what you guys have witnessed, there's no chance she is being sincere? There's no coming back from this?


Slight chance with professional help to recover some type of relationship with her. But what you are dealing with is being in second chair and always wondering when she will find another excuse to cheat.

I would move on and find real love elsewhere. Her unexamined life will result in repeated patterns.

You've seen the results, no need for you to repeat the experiment.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Where do I go from here? _

In the opposite direction from your spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, she's back because you did what you're supposed to do: expose and make yourself unavailable as long as she's cheating. Your marriage isn't over if you don't want it to be. I would have a list of requirements you'd need from her if you were to consider reconciling, and give it 6 months to see what happens.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I was gonna point that out but I didn't want to break WR's "flow". Plus I'm sure the sentiment would be the same either way.


I'm OCD.....lol


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> I'm OCD.....lol


Hey, no worries. Same here.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> divorce her.
> you can reconcile later and get remarried if you want, but she will know for the rest of her life that you WILL drop her ass if she tries to make you plan B again.


This is some great advice other than the reconcile part. Run don't walk to your nearest divorce attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I also don’t think in terms of absolutes. She has probably always loved you. That doesn’t just disappear with a new love. So is she sincere that she will try? Probably. Just one problem; You now know whatever she feels for you can be shoved aside for another. And so far, I haven’t seen remorse as much as you’ve described that she genuinely feels like you should throw open your arms wide and celebrate that she decided you can rejoin her…. It’s still about her being the prize; not you. Your hurt doesn’t seem to be on her mind or as much as a priority as securing herself in a relationship. So, based on what you’ve said, her level of ‘trying’ would probably consist of a hefty rugsweep, anger if you bring it up, and some changes you’ll have to do so she wouldn’t feel the need to stray (maintaining it’s your fault or failures that led her to do this). Does that sound like marriage or even a good friendship?

Plod forward on your own journey. Maybe she’ll catch up, maybe she’ll find her own path.  But it’s not you who should running towards her hoping she’ll want to stay with you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you clear something up?

This isn't the first time she has done something like this? Please clarify.

This was a long distance emotional affair, nothing physical?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> IMO, she's back because you did what you're supposed to do: expose and make yourself unavailable as long as she's cheating. Your marriage isn't over if you don't want it to be. I would have a list of requirements you'd need from her if you were to consider reconciling, and give it 6 months to see what happens.


:iagree:

Realising I was my wife's plan b hurt like hell.

But we are still together and have been so for 25 years.

So perhaps b can become a?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course it can. As it's ever been. For both sides.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I was Plan B for my Ex wife 4 times.. That I know of... 
I might have been Plan B - 5,6,7,8 other times I wasn't aware of.. 

Even after the 4th Affair or Attempted Affair I was still willing to be plan B.. 

I get you love her.. But the relationship is so short.. 2011 to 2014.. 

You think your loyalty should be rewarded.. It isn't.. 

I thought after putting me through the wringer 4x that my Ex would have some understanding, some compassion. That maybe this time around she would shoulder some of the responsibility.. ABSOLUTELY NOT...

She kicked me to the curb like yesterdays garbage.. She not only left me, she left my kids.. 

Look if you break up, you could ALWAYS get back together.. But at least it will be on your terms.. 

If she really, really loves you then she will always be there for you... No one tells you to leave her and go on a tear with other women.. But you both can be apart and take some time to straighten out YOUR HEAD...

Look if you separate and she starts dating again, well then you have your answer.. But if she can be loyal and apart for a bit its good.. Its like a test of sorts.. 

Look regardless of what you do, you need to have some control here.. She needs to know clearly your not plan B and that does not mean telling her " I'm not your plan B". 

You need to show her.. 

This cycle will not stop, trust me.. Been there done that..


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

LostAndContent said:


> We've seen cheaters who when they're thrown to the curb by their affair partners "wake up from the fog" and come crawling back to their spouse begging for forgiveness. Generally we recommend against taking the spouse back at this point, as a part of your brain will always know that the cheater only picked you because the other option didn't work out, and it will eat away at you.
> 
> The amount of disrespect she's shown for you is staggering when you think about it. She lied to your face for months, even continuing to do so once it was obvious you knew about the affair. Even after admitting the affair the first time she continued to lie so that she could continue the affair without letting you move on.
> 
> ...



:iagree: 100%


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Racer said:


> I also don’t think in terms of absolutes. She has probably always loved you. That doesn’t just disappear with a new love. So is she sincere that she will try? Probably. Just one problem; You now know whatever she feels for you can be shoved aside for another. And so far, I haven’t seen remorse as much as you’ve described that she genuinely feels like you should throw open your arms wide and celebrate that she decided you can rejoin her…. It’s still about her being the prize; not you. Your hurt doesn’t seem to be on her mind or as much as a priority as securing herself in a relationship. So, based on what you’ve said, her level of ‘trying’ would probably consist of a hefty rugsweep, anger if you bring it up, and some changes you’ll have to do so she wouldn’t feel the need to stray (maintaining it’s your fault or failures that led her to do this). Does that sound like marriage or even a good friendship?
> 
> Plod forward on your own journey. Maybe she’ll catch up, maybe she’ll find her own path. But it’s not you who should running towards her hoping she’ll want to stay with you.




all the things you mention is why i suggest divorce, even when you want to reconcile. 

when you dont owe anyone anything, and they know it, reconciliation is a lot easier to believe in.


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

Thank you all for the replies. But as most often happens in matters of the heart, I didn't listen. Crazy me, I'm still in love and for whatever reason, perhaps memories of what we used to share together, its hard to believe this is our ending.
I called her last night, as she begged me to in the email. She sounded nervous as hell. I don't know if that's a good or bad sign. I asked her why now...what changed? She said none of what she doing ever felt good and she knew it was wrong and it needed to stop. I asked how they broke up. She said it was a mutual choice because both are married and wanted the affair to end. I told her she was married when it started so why does it matter now? This entire conversation had her squirming, I could tell. Being faced with her **** and shame really shook her up. She said she didn't want to continue hurting me. So I then began to tell her in detail just how devastating these past 5 mos have been. It was more than hurt. It was feeling like the most undesirable, unlovable, un-anything in the world, and hating myself for even wanting to be with someone who willingly treated me that way. She listened. A lot. She didn't blame-shift or try to justify as she has in the past. She asked me how I'd be able to forgive her. I told her it would take consistency on her part, her showing up in all ways all at times. And id be able to judge how sincere she was about committing to me and our marriage by how available she makes herself, emotionally, mentally, etc. And then she could see, if it happens, how I'm able to move forward with our recovery. She agreed with everything. I told her that we don't have to be together. We don't need to be together. I can sign those pspers and be done. But if we both want to be together, not out of guilt or fear, but really WANT to, there can never be another F-up or there will be no more chances. There cant be anymore confusion or doubts...she will have to know for sure that she is in this 100%. She assured me she is. Time will tell.
So, this is where I am now. Opening the door slightly to see if she will step it up or f it up. 
As for the questions asked: yes, the affair was sexual. OW came into town on at least 2 occasions. My wife admitted they had sex. 
As for my concern that this "change of heart" was spurred by my exposing to OWs family, I'm not sure if my wife knows. I didn't tell her I did, we didn't 
discuss OW except in terms of its over with her. 
I know people are gonna think I'm an idiot for being open to reconciliation at this point, but as good as it felt to know that I could put my money where my mouth is, call an attorney and begin the process for ending my marriage, I don't know if I was simply reacting to my anger and disappointment or if I truly wanted us to be over. 
Just knowing that I can fills me with a sense of freedom I hadn't felt before. And her knowing that she was thisclose to being served, maybe that was the kick in the ass she needed. She was so happy when I told her I unblocked her number, thanking me and saying yay like a lil kid. Shes 42 yrs old, I'm 34. Maybe this was some midlife crisis thing for her. Her decision making has be disgusting the past few months, this affair being only one of them. 
I know you guys think this is a lost cause but I'm going to see if she does all she can to turn this around before I sign those papers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dude, that's what exposure is for - to get her to end the affair! You did good. Now take it slowly. NO rush. Let us help you with a 'list of requirements' that you need to give her before you officially start reconciling.


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

That would be so helpful! I'm kinda winging it here, trusting my gut. But having some guidelines would make this easier.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Must-haves:
write a No Contact letter to the OM that she gives YOU, so you approve that it says no contact forever and not 'my H won't let me talk to you (for now)'; you will send it for her or together - no letter, we're divorcing

she takes all passwords off all her electronics or else gives YOU the passwords that you will check whenever you want to ensure she doesn't change her mind and lock you back out - I find them locked, we're divorcing

she hands any electronics over to you without hesitation so you can verify she has stopped cheating - refuses, we're divorcing

she finds a good MC and sets up the appointments and continues to go until you feel resolved - she stops going, we're divorcing

she finds a good IC and goes regularly to figure out what made her cheat - she stops, we're divorcing

she spends 15 hours a week with you on non-chore/kids/work stuff; essentially, you're dating again - say no more than twice, we're divorcing

she gives you sex when you want it - she refuses, we're divorcing

You may want to add, as may be helpful:
she takes a polygraph 

she tells her parents what she did 

she gets tested for STDs

paternity tests for kids if there's a question

postnuptial agreement


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

Ok. It's def over. All of you who said I should move on were exactly right. 
She came over this evening for us to go out. She seemed... hesitant, but I chalked it up to nervousness about us being together for the first time since deciding to try to reconcile. As I was getting dressed, she noticed that I had put all of her clothes that were in my closet (formerly OUR closet) and put them in the spare room. 
This set her off in the worst way. She blew up and said how disrespectful I was and how I didn't care about her feelings and how this proves how selfish I am. Mind you, in her anger just a few days prior, she told me to just throw all her stuff out when I asked her to take it.
I was in shock. How dare she get angry at me for doing what I had to do to try to be ok and not cry everyday over what a mess she made of us! Because I didn't want to see her clothes day after day she treats me like this?! 
She went on this entire diatribe and packed everything and walked away from me... as she has so many times before. I couldn't believe she was doing this to me all over again. After telling me she was ready and able to do her part to make us whole. She was full of ****. 
She said it was over and she didn't want the marriage anymore. I'm so sad that I let her back in and she almost instantly destroyed everything. 
I was there... thru everything I remained her wife and believed that we'd be ok, better than ok. But she has twisted everything I ever said and did to fit into her little narrative about how much I don't care about her. It's insane!
I need to file. At first I wasn't going to ask for spousal support, but screw that now. Before we separated we both agreed that I would take a much lower paying job that was in my field. She has put me in a position that financially is difficult and stressful because she left our home and marriage. She's making 6 figures, she should have to help me at least for a certain number of months. Just more drama, because I know she will dispute it. 
Sigh... this is just, I don't even know the words. I feel awful for believing in her. At least now I know for sure. Now I know I have done the absolute most I can do before ending this marriage. There will never be another open door for her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry. At least you were able to see that she wasn't really sincere to begin with.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just a reminder, from your own words...



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


And again...



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


...and again...



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


...and again...



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


...and again.



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


And here it is, one more time, just for the hell of it..



MySurrealLife said:


> We've been thru this before and it was all a lie.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OP, apologies for the last post. I honestly didn't post it to rub anything in your face, as I hadn't seen your most recent update prior to submitting mine.

If you like, I'll happily delete it. Otherwise, think of it as a not-so-subtle reminder that you need to excise this tumor of a wife from your life.


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

No, I was completely delusional about who she was and I set myself for something like this happen. I need to be reminded of the truth... and as much as it hurts that I married someone who had no business ever being married, this is MY kick in the ass. I put my trust in the wrong person. I should have just trusted myself all along. Now I just have to fig out how to move on when I'm still in love. I know that will fade but damn, is there a way to speed it up?! Ugh


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pulling a 180 will definitely help you to detach...

The 180 | Being a Beautiful Mess

And, when you're ready, meeting someone new would probably do wonders for your self-image. And hey, while you're at it, why not someone younger and hotter?!?


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## MySurrealLife (May 1, 2014)

The ever so popular 180! I thought it was for trying to get your partner back or something, but I'll read it thru now. Thank you for this!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

MySurrealLife said:


> No, I was completely delusional about who she was and I set myself for something like this happen. I need to be reminded of the truth... and as much as it hurts that I married someone who had no business ever being married, this is MY kick in the ass. I put my trust in the wrong person. I should have just trusted myself all along. Now I just have to fig out how to move on when I'm still in love. I know that will fade but damn, is there a way to speed it up?! Ugh


Well young lady, we live, we learn.

Many of us that have been here for a while pretty much knew how this was probably going to end. All though, it happened a lot sooner.

Believe it, or not, your stbxw kind of did you a favor. She didn't wait until some time down the road to screw up. You're hurt, but probably less than if it had been 6 months from now.

It's sad to see that same sex marriages seem to suffer the same pit falls of a "conventional" marriage. When the US started to legalize/recognize SSM, I just assumed that you'd fare better than your hetero' counter parts. I thought that being on the same side of the tracks would somehow be an advantage.

The more threads I see here from the GLBT posters, the more I realized that it doesn't matter. People cheat on the ones they supposedly love, no matter what their sexual orientation is.

Well, I guess you take the bad with the good, right.

Hang in there kido. You're still young and have plenty of time to find the "right one". Things happen for a reason. Years from now you could be madly in love with someone that's madly in love with you. When this happens, you may look back on this as more fortuitous than folly.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MySurrealLife said:


> The ever so popular 180! I thought it was for trying to get your partner back or something, but I'll read it thru now. Thank you for this!


Well, that's often the result, but the primary purpose is *to help you to detach*.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The 180 is actually a smokescreen we give you guys to focus on. We tell you that it will help with this or that, while in reality, the purpose of it is mainly just to get you to focus on YOU instead of HER. Because you never could control her, and it is EVER SO HARD to see that while you're in the midst of it all. So the 180 gives you instructions to follow, redirecting your focus over 'here' where you DO have control so you stop focusing over 'there' on her, where you have NO control.

After time, you can come up for air and see what's what; but in the meantime, you've been doing 180 (focusing on yourself) and, well, basically saving yourself from going crazy.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> your plan B and plan A fell through.
> 
> so, she is going back to you since your better than nothing.


Yup. Sorry.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> The 180 is actually a smokescreen we give you guys to focus on. We tell you that it will help with this or that, while in reality, the purpose of it is mainly just to get you to focus on YOU instead of HER. Because you never could control her, and it is EVER SO HARD to see that while you're in the midst of it all. So the 180 gives you instructions to follow, redirecting your focus over 'here' where you DO have control so you stop focusing over 'there' on her, where you have NO control.
> 
> After time, you can come up for air and see what's what; but in the meantime, you've been doing 180 (focusing on yourself) and, well, basically saving yourself from going crazy.


I would agree. It helped me. Gave me something to focus on so (as Turnera says) you don't go crazy.

Be patient with yourself. It is going to take time.

When you are upset, allow yourself to be upset. I tried to hold it in and it just takes longer.

Sorry and good luck.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She wants to return to you, but most likely, you will end up with the same person that left you once. She hasn't taken the time to evaluate and learn. She is reacting and looking for something that will fulfill her needs. Pretty much, she does not want to be alone, and she wants a partner to satisfy her needs. At the moment, for her at least, this is all about what she can get.

I suggest detaching and moving on. She will either change her behavior or blame you for leaving her. The more you detach, the better you can evaluate the situation, and the more things will have clarity.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Zombie thread


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