# She want divorce. no trying, no separation, just D



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

So, just got back from counseling. She said she wants D. Her and the counselor started talking about D counseling to help us w. kids or some other nonsense. 

I kept saying, I am not here to talk about D I came here to talk about saving our M. Finally, I got up and left. Both her and the counselor kept asking me ot stay but I was not going to sit there and figure out ways to make her feel less guilty about not trying. 

Any suggestions at this point? 

I am thinking going dark as I have seen on here before. 

We have kids but I feel a little vengeful and do not want to make this easy on her. She takes classes Wednesday and Thursday afternoon for 3 hours but that is it. So she doesnt work and can deal w/ the kids for a couple weeks. At this particular moment in time, I could not even face them. (Daughter 5 1/5, son 2-- the beginning of this story is in the men's club.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

She doesn't work? Well how does she plan to support herself after the divorce.

Sounds like someone needs a reality check. Time to go dark. Let her see what being on her own is really going to be like.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

The first thing I would do would be to cut off all access to money for your wife. Withdraw all the money from joint accounts. Cancel credit cards, etc etc. I wouldn't give her one penny while she is pulling this nonsense. 
The next thing I would do is try to get her working so you don't get killed in alimony/child support. 
Whatever you do, don't move out of the house.

dadsdivorce.com, go to the forum section and read The List


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, control her with money, because it's not like they're partners and the money is household money, it's his and she's his employee right? That'll show her who's boss; seriously, you can't force someone to stay married to you and the more you push the less appealing you'll be. Sit her down and tell her that you will no longer finance her extras, like school, if she doesn't want to be a couple. Continue to support the household, talk to a lawyer, and file yourself; she does need to see what her life will be like without you but even if she decides to stay remember there is always the possibility that she's there for the financial support but doesn't want you. Is that what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, control her with money, because it's not like they're partners and the money is household money, it's his and she's his employee right? That'll show her who's boss; seriously, you can't force someone to stay married to you and the more you push the less appealing you'll be. Sit her down and tell her that you will no longer finance her extras, like school, if she doesn't want to be a couple. Continue to support the household, talk to a lawyer, and file yourself; she does need to see what her life will be like without you but even if she decides to stay remember there is always the possibility that she's there for the financial support but doesn't want you. Is that what you want?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They are not partners. She doesn't want to be his wife. If that be the case, he is not obligated to support her financially in any way. 

If she has access to money she will be able to hire a lawyer that will likely file to have OP booted out his home, pay undeserved alimony, and child support. Every dime he gives her now can and will be used against him at a later date. I would also cancel her cel phone and cancel the internet to cut off those resources that she may use against him.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Mo42 said:


> So, just got back from counseling. She said she wants D. Her and the counselor started talking about D counseling to help us w. kids or some other nonsense.
> 
> I kept saying, I am not here to talk about D I came here to talk about saving our M. Finally, I got up and left. Both her and the counselor kept asking me ot stay but I was not going to sit there and figure out ways to make her feel less guilty about not trying.
> 
> ...


I am not sure if this is what you are saying or not so forgive me if I get this wrong but it sounds like you are thinking of taking off or leaving the family home for a couple of weeks?

If that is the case, my advice would be to NOT do that. I don't know what state you are in but especially with kids in the picture, she probably can't just get a divorce. Most states require 6 months to a year of separation before there can be a divorce.

If you leave the house it could be considered abandonment. I haven't read your original post so I don't know the entire story but I would say if she wants out of the marriage and refuses to work on it, then SHE should leave.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She has indicated she wants out of the partnership.

Him showing her how that feels could give her some insight.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Start taking care of the man in the mirror.

Become the man you want to be. She might be intrigued or she might move on.

YOU can only control YOU.

Be strong friend, be strong,
Stretch


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

wilderness said:


> They are not partners. She doesn't want to be his wife. If that be the case, he is not obligated to support her financially in any way.
> 
> If she has access to money she will be able to hire a lawyer that will likely file to have OP booted out his home, pay undeserved alimony, and child support. Every dime he gives her now can and will be used against him at a later date. I would also cancel her cel phone and cancel the internet to cut off those resources that she may use against him.



That's why i suggested he see a lawyer. He's been supporting the household, so legally he may not be able to just cut her off. The goal here shouldn't be to punish her for wanting a divorce (that just makes him look petty), it should be to protect himself going forward. .I know this is unpopular here, but if he didn't want to be somewhat responsible for her financially he shouldn't have agreed to the sahm thing. That agreement doesn't require her to stay married to him, and is tremendously risky for both sides. You don't cut off anything without legal advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's why i suggested he see a lawyer. He's been supporting the household, so legally he may not be able to just cut her off. The goal here shouldn't be to punish her for wanting a divorce (that just makes him look petty), it should be to protect himself going forward. .I know this is unpopular here, but if he didn't want to be somewhat responsible for her financially he shouldn't have agreed to the sahm thing. That agreement doesn't require her to stay married to him, and is tremendously risky for both sides. You don't cut off anything without legal advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You have a good idea to do the 180 on her.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Hes going to have to support her with 2 kids and not working. Yeah she will have to work herself at some point. But most likely you will be paying child support. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. File first.. Trust me.


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## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

Ok, I have been offline for several days. Here is what happened

--she said she wanted divorce, too late, nothing i can do now

-- I stayed at my mom's house from Thursday to yesterday. Did talk to her for a long time Friday (went over and switched cars with her which she did not like)

--she says she doesnt really want anything-- split custody with the kids, I keep the house (we will have to decide on a buyout)

--I have talked with lawyer, planning formal consultatoin next week sometime to find out timelines, etc-- he did say 'dont go in guns blazing if she is not being combative'

-- I went home yesterday-- told her I am staying--she said she talked to her friend and was told not to leave or it could be seen as 'abandonment' and used against her in court-- i told her I am ok with her staying, we have 2 kids and can take of them together and be cordial

-- She has no money, little family support so far-- they like me a lot and are disappointed she didnt want to try-- and is asking me about legal stuff and even to the point of 'can we use the same lawyer?' and "should i get a lawyer?'

--I did some favors for her-- stopped and got her coffee when I was coming home yesterday, faxing a financial aid form today frm work for her

We will be living together til we are divorced. She doesnt know where she is going, has no money right now. Even though she has no income did make the comment that our money is 50/50, though she knows there is little of it. 

Im all very confused. If possible I would like to use these next three months to improve myself and (very very longshot, i know) maybe she sees it and changes her mind? I did tell her that if she ever has that feeling to talk to me but that at some point i will be over it too. 

I need to move forward. I need strenght. I need to detach without making her think i am trying to screw her over (I actually did say to her that it might seem sometimes like I am being mean but I am not going out of my way to hurt her).

Sorry for the long message. I am a mess and this is a mess. Please keep in mind that I will be living with her for at least the next three months and at this point she has no lawyer and is agreeable to the main things-- house, kids, IRAs.

I am starting the map. 

1. bench press 170 lbs by mid jan ( i weigh a little under 130). 
2. Get debt free (probably wont happen till after the divorce) 
3. 6 pack abs (or at least a four pack) 
4. Church by myself at least 2x a month 
5. Get a new pet for the kids (and me cause i love them too) 
6. Find something social -- possibly writing club (degree in english lit and journalism
7. Lasik consul (cant pay for the actual procedure right now but sick of wearing glasses)
8. Improve focus and production at work 

Also, an aside, her friends sons bday is tomorrow night. She is taking my daughter but does not want to show up with out a present. I told her I would get him a $20 gift card at B&N on my way home today. 

I do not want to do this. Do not want to think I am being spiteful either though. thinking about sending email to her this morning and saying, 

Hi Laura, 

I had time to think this morning and I do not feel comfortable buying presents for your friends children. I have to detach from you as much as I didnt want this, and these are the things I would do for you when we were together. I hope you understand. 

Me


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

M042, good for taking care of yourself. Do the 180 (it sounds like you're on your way). If you need the link, here it is:

The Healing Heart: The 180

And check out Synthetic's Ten Commandments:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...n/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049137

Have as little contact with her as possible, if only to preserve your own insanity. The email message you want to send? Too much explanation; she's given you (what sounds like) very little explanation, you don't really owe her any. Try this:

L--

Not going to be able to pick up the B&N card - you'll have to get it yourself if you want to bring a gift to the party.

Me​
And practice saying NO to things like this. Unless it's having to do with the kids, your answer is NO. You're not her errand boy, you're not her assistant. You're her husband, but she's decided she doesn't want you in that role anymore.

Remember Nancy Reagan: "Just say no!"


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, and just focus on being the best dad you can be to your kids. They really need you right now.

*hugs*


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Try to get her working and delay talk of the divorce as long as humanly possible. If she is working her bargaining position is significantly reduced. What about spending money? Don't give her any.


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