# How to deal with loneliness?



## LLady (Oct 6, 2015)

Hello all! I am a somewhat long time lurker so thank you all for the advice you give to everyone as it has been helpful to me. I have not had the emotional energy to create an account or post until now. To make a long story short I have know for several months that my husband was hiding something, but recently found all the proof that he has been cheating for a long time. To say that it has been devastating is an understatement considering the fact I thought things were fine. He was paying for sex on the side which devastates me even more. We had a great sex life and marriage so this is so bizarre. At this point that's all water under the bridge and being dealt with accordingly as we are separating. I have taken all appropriate measures of being tested by my doctor which made me very angry, but thankfully all was normal. 

My question is how have other betrayed spouses dealt with the loneliness and lack of sex while going through separation and divorce. I have a busy career, I am busy with the children, I try to exhaust myself so when I go to bed at night I don't have to think so much about the fact that I am sleeping all alone, but it's terribly hard. It hurts and I am also angry. He is the one who cheated but yet I am in my sexual prime and I am now forced to be celibate until our divorce is final. This will probably take 12-14 months to get the separation agreement worked out and the divorce finalized due to the state we live in. While I am not ready to go jump in the bed with just anyone I am so hurt and angry over losing my husband because he was my emotional support and my sexual partner. Yes I know there are vibrators etc, but the touch of another human is irreplaceable.

So how long did it take for you to not feel so angry and lonely? I think numb would be better than what I feel now!


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm in the middle of the divorce process myself and I know exactly what you mean. I wish I had the answer as well. The loneliness can be terrible. I jog/walk 3-7 miles a day to pass the time and wear myself out. I miss being married. I love being partnered. There is nothing better than sharing your life with someone else. Two people working as one is a great thing. Alas, I can only offer sympathy and hope to read along with you the advice from those that went through it. I fear time is the only solution.


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## LLady (Oct 6, 2015)

Thanks 4x4! I don't plan to ever marry again but I hope to at least find find someone worth spending time with on a regular basis.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I've bee divorced almost 3 yrs now.. and I'm still angry/hurt over what he did to me. I am 50+ so doubt I will find anyone else. (I'm not exactly looking either though.) I'm set in my ways now.. and trusting anyone is still an issue for me.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LLady said:


> My question is how have other betrayed spouses dealt with the loneliness and lack of sex while going through separation and divorce.
> 
> 
> *I went back to school to get a 2nd masters degree. I also joined a gym and went back to being very active in my church. I joined my church's singles group, and became the next president of the singles group. That is how I got smart with online dating sites. Church friends were very helpful. *
> ...




Bibi


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

My heart goes out to all of you who were cheated on. That would probably change my perception of marriage. I'm divorcing because I want children and she doesn't and it's otherwise as amicable as can be expected.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I was in a similar position as you a few months ago. For the loneliness, I just kept busy. I worked out almost every day and spent a lot of time reconnecting with family and friends. It was also therapeutic to go through the house and get rid of things that were hers that I no longer wanted. For the anger I went to counseling and generally recommend that route. I don't advocate just sleeping around to make yourself feel better. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just think that sex for revenge or to boost self-esteem is not as good a choice as having sex because you are turned on and really want to. The way I dealt with the lack of sex was some old fashioned jerking off, which seemed like the best choice for me. Good luck.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> having sex because you are turned on and really want to.


That is what I felt when I was finally Free. I didn't have a mom and dad to tell me that exploring my sexuality before marriage was a sin. I was didn't have a marriage left either. I was free to finally enjoy and explore my sexuality. I enjoyed it fully with no regrets. 

You will do what you need to do to find yourself again. Your true self...warts and all.

I understand the loneliness, use positive external outlets to solve this problem. Lots of good ideas given.

Best of luck,

Bibi


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## LLady (Oct 6, 2015)

Heartbroken-have you dated any since your divorce?

Bibi1031- I'm glad you did positive things. I don't want to be celibate, but until my separation agreement is finalized things are very precarious. Even when the ink is dry I worry he would try to use any little thing against me. He has already been very ugly to me when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I know that once certain things are in place I can just be discrete, but according to the "law" even the betrayed spouse is suppose to remain faithful until the divorce is final. In my state we have to be legally separated for 12 months before the divorce is final. What BS! Also I will never go back to him or feel desperate enough or lonely enough to go there with him. I may be lonely but I am strong.

Banana Peel - I don't want to sleep around to make my self feel better per say. I am just lonely and already feel very deprived and it's only been a few months. Revenge has nothing to do with it. We women have emotional and physical needs too  

Thank you for all you insight!


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Nope.. I haven't dated at all. I have a 15 yr daughter at home and figured there's plenty of time for that when she goes off to college. My sister took me shopping *grin* ... other than the lonliness... it's everything I need at the moment..... without having to pick up underwear or clean beard out of the sink.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

HeartbrokenW said:


> I've bee divorced almost 3 yrs now.. and I'm still angry/hurt over what he did to me. I am 50+ so doubt I will find anyone else. (I'm not exactly looking either though.) I'm set in my ways now.. and trusting anyone is still an issue for me.


Don't say that to yourself.
It is possible and actually probable. The worst thing you can do is act defeated. You are NOT defeated. There is someone out there for you. Believe it. Act as if it's true.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

LLady said:


> Hello all! I am a somewhat long time lurker so thank you all for the advice you give to everyone as it has been helpful to me. I have not had the emotional energy to create an account or post until now. To make a long story short I have know for several months that my husband was hiding something, but recently found all the proof that he has been cheating for a long time. To say that it has been devastating is an understatement considering the fact I thought things were fine. He was paying for sex on the side which devastates me even more. We had a great sex life and marriage so this is so bizarre. At this point that's all water under the bridge and being dealt with accordingly as we are separating. I have taken all appropriate measures of being tested by my doctor which made me very angry, but thankfully all was normal.
> 
> My question is how have other betrayed spouses dealt with the loneliness and lack of sex while going through separation and divorce. I have a busy career, I am busy with the children, I try to exhaust myself so when I go to bed at night I don't have to think so much about the fact that I am sleeping all alone, but it's terribly hard. It hurts and I am also angry. He is the one who cheated but yet I am in my sexual prime and I am now forced to be celibate until our divorce is final. This will probably take 12-14 months to get the separation agreement worked out and the divorce finalized due to the state we live in. While I am not ready to go jump in the bed with just anyone I am so hurt and angry over losing my husband because he was my emotional support and my sexual partner. Yes I know there are vibrators etc, but the touch of another human is irreplaceable.
> 
> So how long did it take for you to not feel so angry and lonely? I think numb would be better than what I feel now!


Look, its not easy at all. But its much better than suffering with the wrong person.

Think about it, how much sex did you actually have towards the end?

It sucks but in the long run it will be so much better when you actually find someone who will be there the way they should!


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

I havent been alone in 20 years, its a massive change for me but im starting not mind it at all.

The sex will come 

The companionship will come











When I meet the right person!!!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I am really sorry for what you are going through. Is it a requirement in your separation to be celibate or is it for religious/moral purposes? I highly doubt he is going to quit finding sexual partners during the separation process considering the fact that he has been cheating. I was cheated on before and years later I am still angry by it, but I definitely have a thicker skin because of it. Counseling may help as well. But the best advice I can give is to take care of yourself and your kids. Maybe try to get out more with friends if you can.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I've been separated/divorced since 2009 I still haven't felt the urge to get out there, too many other things I want to accomplish first for myself.
I have indulged myself in hobbies, always kept the radio on or tv on in the house. 
Whenever I need to get out I head over to a friends house once every week or two all this seems to keep the edge off loneliness.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having been dupingly subjected by my RSXW to a "trial separation" back in 2011, the 2012 "in-separation" heartbreaking discovery of her dual out-of-town affairs with two men of her past, all while I had been been staying back at home taking care of ranching chores in her absence; and the equally soul-shattering realization that when she returned home from those trips that I was unwittingly participative in "homecoming sex," not remotely realizing that I was nothing more than the unwitting recipient of "sloppy seconds!" And then the bombastic litigiousness of the two years of her dualing between alternately spreading her legal papers out in her lawyer's office, then her thighs with her latest BF on some getaway, all while we were still legally married ~ along with those constant nightmarish "mind-movies" of "her" banging away with her latest paramour in some luxurious well-secluded room ~ well, it has lessened my trust in finding someone whom I deem "trustable" enough to ever reaffirm those remnants of my desire to re-establish a natural romantic relationship with a loving woman ~ I have come to the fast realization that it will preeminently take one hell of a woman to help me extract my head from either the sand, or from out of my backside!

Regardless, the abject loneliness and emptiness of it all remains so prevalent, even to this very day! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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