# What can I do now ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

My husband (11 years in March) has "surprised" me with divorce on Labor Day weekend.

He said he has no love for me anymore, only resentment and anger.....he's fallen into a deep depression about this..... 

I've neglected a lot in the past or rather ignored his requests for me to change (dealing with money better, taking on a new career etc.)....I didn't do this purposely, I just had no clue how much it could affect our relationship.....he's a hard worker and saver and I'm a spender and live from paycheck to paycheck....

I wasn't aware it put such a big burden on him....I never had to deal with any bills...

Anyway....the D-threat was a big wake-up call and I am working hard on changing my ways....for me mostly, but also to show him that I got it now....

He wants a civil divorce and us to stay friends....I want a reconciliation......

He said there is no way he would go to marriage counseling since it's over......he's very stubborn

We sat together and made a plan how to pay my debt.....

We're talking to each other...nice.... but not very many smiles or even laughs (at least not from his side)

He seems burned out and tired....sign of his depression....

A couple of weeks ago we started having great sex again every night....with one problem....he doesn't finish....he says he can't, he doesn't know why....he just can't .....

Today I asked him to help me out with only one more payment toward my credit and then I will do it on my own (after all I got myself in this mess, I need to get myself out of it by myself...well mostly) , but he said he will pay it off, so he knows it's done and I can start saving...

All this with a little angry undertone....the same tone he told me about the divorce and the resentment he feels for me.....

I am working hard on myself and had hopes that he would reconsider....after all we have 2 wonderful kids together and we both don't want to hurt them.....

When he holds me at night after sex it's so loving.....he hasn't held me anymore after sex in years....now he does.....

What would you suggest I do next ???

I will continue to work on myself no matter what, but do you have any suggestions on how to deal with my husband (especially you guys out there).....I do love him more than life itself and I want to be with him and no-one else.....

I'm sure he still loves me, but he's hurt and angry and as stated very stubborn....

I don't know what to do.....how to get through to him, to convince him it's worth a try....

His therapist he saw (at least twice) told him that I will never change since he's been asking me for years to change and I haven't, but I've woken up now.....and my husband believes him  

Please help me !!!!


----------



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

To clarify.....

I want to know how to be around him....

I know now that he has turned in the paperwork (before we started having sex again)....

Do I show him that I'm scared and heart broken....

Do I act like I'm fine with whatever is going to happen even though I'm not ???

What is the best way to deal with a man that is depressed, stubborn, hurt, definitely still has love left for me, but has his mind set, even though his mind is clouded by depression and hurt feelings.....????


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DA, reading your story I was where your husband is at one time. It wasn’t to do with my wife’s over spending she never did that. It was to do with a feeling of being truly unappreciated and unloved by my wife.

I wouldn’t ever call him stubborn. That’s a real no no. Because it truly minimises what he is going through and puts the blame solely on him.

Be Romantic. Make him his favourite meals with a nicely laid out table and a bottle of chilled wine. Buy him flowers, it’s a sign of love, need only cost a few dollars. Make a real fuss of him. Sex was always good with my wife but there’s very much more to marriage than sex. A man needs to be Appreciated to feel loved. So demonstrate to him just how much you appreciate him and he will feel loved by you. Think about all the good he has done for you and the family, write it all down. Unfortunately as these things are you may not truly know what you appreciate him for until he’s been gone for a while. We don’t know what we had until we lose it and all that.

Don’t act like you’re fine if you are not fine. My wife walked around with a smile on her face like she didn’t have a care in the world while I was going through depression. It made it a lot worse. If you are feeling sad about what he’s going through and what’s happening to the two of you then for goodness sake show him that you feel sad.

Hope you haven’t left it too late.

Bob


----------

