# My guy is too nice...how do I get him to stop?



## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I've read a lot of threads with men referring to turning back into "Alphas" and the like - that they were too nice in their relationship and they got stepped on. Well, I'm not *****y to my man and not cruel, but lately I have found him annoying and unattractive. I'm not a big fan of the advice some of the guys on the threads give about how the guy should turn into a jerk. I'm more interested in how I get him to just assert himself more. 

Anyone else experience this? How did you communicate with your guy to get him to stop being so nice?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with you on some of the advice here about men needing to be more like jerks. Read some recently that suggested holding back on affection, that would make me get out of a relationship not get more involved.

Anyway to you question, my guy is perfect (well to me) alpha in his career, very successful. He is kind, caring and helpful around the house.
But he is very alpha in our sex life.

So I don't have your problem and he is not sickly sweet nice but he is a good balance of alpha, romantic and nice.

To show him I like him this way I simply tell him that he is one sexy man and that his combo of alpha/beta is perfect for me. Perhaps when your partner does something that is more assertive tell him then and there how it makes you feel. So accentuate the good but don't put him down about the bad.

I think some men don't understand that women want to look up to their man and want them to be more assertive. I know my ex was too nice but his dad was too far the other way with his wife so his example was not good.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

firebelly said:


> I'm not a big fan of the advice some of the guys on the threads give about how the guy should turn into a jerk. I'm more interested in how I get him to just assert himself more.
> 
> How did you communicate with your guy to get him to stop being so nice?


Let me start out by saying, you have every right to the opinion that some of the men on TAM are advising other guys to turn into jerks. I think they will disagree; some more vehemently than others. However, this is an open forum and everybody has a right to their opinion ... 

You cannot get your man to assert himself more. Bottom line of what you control in this life: your thoughts, your feelings, and what you say. Other than that, other people don't fall under the auspices of our contol, unless they're our children. And even children cannot be, ultimately, controlled.

You don't want your bf to be a "jerk" but you want him to stop being "so nice." What exactly is he doing that makes him nice to the point that it annoys you? Y'know, some people just aren't all that assertive. Is that is a fundamental part of his personality, you cannot change it. If he wants to change it, then he can work on the issue.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are not your husbands keeper nor should you ever try to change him. Besides I'm sad to report it won't work anyway. Trust me I've tried. LOL 

The only person you should have any control over is you and your response to him. 

That said you should learn to focus your energy on his good qualities instead of seeing nothing but things you don't like. Surely the man you married has some redeeming qualities? Focus on those enough and you'll build him up. Then he will seem more attractive and less annoying to you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

firebelly said:


> I've read a lot of threads with men referring to turning back into "Alphas" and the like - that they were too nice in their relationship and they got stepped on. Well, I'm not *****y to my man and not cruel, but lately I have found him annoying and unattractive. I'm not a big fan of the advice some of the guys on the threads give about how the guy should turn into a jerk. I'm more interested in how I get him to just assert himself more.
> 
> Anyone else experience this? How did you communicate with your guy to get him to stop being so nice?


Holland, you're a very lucky woman. It's rare to find the PROPER combination of alpha and beta in a man. And this is probably one of the bigger problems in life. 

Recognize the number 1 rule of men. Men are simple and singular in thought. 

We are simpler than women. We tend to be one persona and that's it. We find a way that works for us and we're happy with and that's the direction we go, nice guy, bad boy, alpha, beta, whatever. Women tend to want complex multi-faceted personalities.

I want a man who's strong aggressive and assertive...but only SOME times. Other times, he needs to be soft sensitive and romantic. And I'll get frustrated if I don't get my way (with said strong, aggressive and assertive man)

I want a nice guy, but when a nice guy wants a date, I spurn him for his bad boy friend, and then get really confused when the bad boy turns out to be...well...a bad boy.

The guy who is very opinionated turns you away from a long term relationship because you don't get your way so you marry a guy who actually asks your opinion and does what you want...then 5 years later you're complaining how he doesn't just take control, or just make plans without consulting you and isn't spontaneous.

Remember, think singularly in your thought process and you'll see why men are so confused by women. Most men anyway. Some men have realized this dynamic and strive to be more "complex" but most don't, they just scratch their head and are confused why women say they want one thing, then a year later complain because they're getting that thing.


If you want your man to change, promote the environment for change. And do it from a singular thought process. For instance, you want your man to start taking more control, teach him through YOU refusing to take control. Like if you're going to have a date night. Ask him to "take you out on a date." Then don't give ANY hints or make ANY decisions. The first date night will be very awkward. The second will get a bit better, but by the fourth or fifth date night, he'll start actually planning them. See the trick?

Hope you find the humor I intended in this and also find it helpful.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

D&H I am really starting to understand how lucky I am with him and have to say that reading this forum and the posts from many of the men here I can now see things a bit clearer.

Yes everything you have said here makes sense, simple, men and women do think differently. Has taken me many years, a LTR marriage/divorce to finally get to the point where I understand the complexities of my female mind. 
Now I am lucky to have found a man that is perfect for me, can flex when I need it, can help when I need it and is strong where it counts.
And in the end no matter which of these things he is doing, whether it be super alpha man or kind caring romantic man, I look up to him and respect him for being himself.

It is hard for women to understand men and men to understand women. What I know now is that the best way to work it all out is to firstly know yourself and then listen to what the opposite sex have to say about their own kind.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

As far as being more Alpha in bed....I WISH women would just ASK Men....and it would not have to be so detailed and complex as to spoil the mood...

If my wife would just ask me ONCE

(1) "Take me now and ravish me"....pow that would be more signal that I needed to be as alpha in bed as possible...she is more likely to say something like "I like it when you move me around..." a little more subtle but same idea.

(2) "be gentle and love me" ok, then Id get the idea she wants something more sweet and gentle (to start haha).

Woman CAN hint and ask a little to GUIDE their guys in the right direction.

My wife tells me all the time "Im trying to give you a hint" or something along those lines...to help me out.

She will tell me when Im "turning me off" which is fine....Id rather know.

But it is DAMN CONFUSING for a guy when you dont know WTF they want.

Ladies you can HINT without spoiling it.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You are not your husbands keeper nor should you ever try to change him. Besides I'm sad to report it won't work anyway. Trust me I've tried. LOL
> 
> The only person you should have any control over is you and your response to him.
> 
> That said you should learn to focus your energy on his good qualities instead of seeing nothing but things you don't like. Surely the man you married has some redeeming qualities? Focus on those enough and you'll build him up. Then he will seem more attractive and less annoying to you.


I think you're right that I can't control anyone but me. I think what I'm asking is - would it do any good to tell him the truth - that his lack of assertiveness makes me less attracted to him? Probably not, huh? I'm thinking of a scenario in which my SO might say "Your fat ass really makes me less attracted to you. Just being honest." 

I recently read a book called "The Passion Trap" in which the therapist author explains the dynamic of what he calls the "one-up" and the "one-down" in a relationship. The one-down wants to be closer and the one-up pulls away. In most relationships I've been the one-down so this one-up thing is new to me. But the author explains that when you start feeling less attracted to your partner, one reason can be that there's some power imbalance in the relationship. 

The power imbalance can be situational. The guy I'm with now has been going to school and not working; got kicked out of his apartment due to a crazy neighbor and has a bum knee. On top of all that, he's just not that confident in bed. For some reason, when I started dating him, none of these things seemed to matter, but a few months in, they are weighing on me. None of these things are a reflection of him as a person - he's got a work history that suggests that he's always been a hard worker, he's a great listener, he's patient, he's generous, he's smart. He's not addicted to anything. Doesn't have anger management issues. But the nicer he is to me, the more I'm annoyed. The relationship is so new that I'm not confident that it's something I should carry on with or tough it out for a while to see if the imbalance changes as his knee heals and he starts working again. That's my dilemma really.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

He is not alpha enough.....its obvious he does not turn you on, does not excite you, does not challenge you.

He may be just clueless about all this dynamic. 

If you really like him, give him the MMSL primer book....

tell him you really like him a lot, but you need some excitement and you need him to man up.

I wish some girlfriend who bailed on me years ago would have done that for me.

If it does not work out with you at least he will know why and may be MUCH better able to make some future woman happy.

At the least you will be doing him and some future woman a huge favor in the passion department if he can learn to grow a pair.

I actually resent the fact that evolution made men and women this way...as a man Id like to just love my wife and expect her to be in love with me...but ALAS, I know, no matter what she says...the things that she HATES about me....are often ALSO the things that keep her attracted to me...

Not catering to her whims. Calling her on her crap. Being moderately controlling and demanding of her. Occasionally making negative comments...(not ALL the time). Occasionally blowing my top...complaining....being broody....making decisions without always involving her....generally "putting my foot down" when I expect something to be a certain way...going out once in a while and coming home "late" and pissing her off. Again not ALL the time..SOMETIMES...

pushing her a bit in bed beyond her comfort zone...


The problem for us guys is its a FINE LINE BETWEEN ALPHA AND *******.

And SADLY ******* still works with you women better than nice guy.

Its really unfair...personally Id rather just be a nice guy all the time...let her plan things....relax...watch TV....let her run the show around the house...Ahhhhh....that would be so nice...BUT

I know it would make her lose a lot of attraction for me. 

So Im a part time moderate jerk, expect to be the ultimate boss in the marriage and say so....which often makes her mad...etc etc....but I also bring home a lot of bacon, am good with the kid, clean up, fix things..etc...and remember a good spank on the butt and yank the heck out of her hair while doing her...and whisper nasty things in her ear while we do the deed...call her a you know what...

IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME....

UGH it sucks to be a man.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> He is not alpha enough.....its obvious he does not turn you on, does not excite you, does not challenge you.
> 
> He may be just clueless about all this dynamic.
> 
> ...


YES trying to read my ex I may as well have been reading yiddish now about 3 days a week I call gf "what's up? You want to come by she'll say either yes or ehh no you come over."I'm 2 years out so I like simple right now


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

But fetishwife...we don't like jerks. There's a difference between being a jerk and being assertive or being fully present in the relationship. I don't want a jerk AND I don't want a wimp. I want a fully actualized, lovingly assertive partner.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> If you want your man to change, promote the environment for change. And do it from a singular thought process. For instance, you want your man to start taking more control, teach him through YOU refusing to take control. Like if you're going to have a date night. Ask him to "take you out on a date." Then don't give ANY hints or make ANY decisions. The first date night will be very awkward. The second will get a bit better, but by the fourth or fifth date night, he'll start actually planning them. See the trick?


I think I"m going to try this. Next time he says "What's on the agenda for this weekend?" I'm gonna say, "I don't know. What have you got planned?"


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Firebelly,

Of course of course....but it IS be a fine line...its really hard...some of us ARE TRYING and not quite making it....

I'm telling you I TRY.....I REALLY REALLY want to be a "fully actualized, lovingly assertive partner" to my wife....I want to look good for her, be in shape, make lots of money, support her emotionally, be her rock while also exciting her and rocking her world....NOT TO MENTION of course giving her her freedom and her own time to herself and letting her BE HERSELF and loving her the way she is....etc etc etc.

TRUST ME...this is WHAT IS WANT TO BE AS A MAN...and I agree with you 100%...

Unfortunately IN REAL LIFE....one screws up and sometimes a guy who is PART of the ideal man you want...(me haha) is also PARTLY A JERK (me haha).

Because none of us are perfect.....

Maybe you will find one...

TOO MUCH JERK...BAD NEWS!

But a little jerk might also be a little actualized and lovingly assertive....

I wish my WIFE would be a 

(1) Fantastic supportive loving nurturing perfect mother type
(2) A great co-breadwinner
(3) An incredible porn star in bed while also being totally LOVING and considerate during the love making..and be up for it WHENEVER IM IN THE MOOD...
(4) Totally focused on making me, her man, the number one thing in her life and always building me up. Always trusting me...always looking up to me.
(5) A spectacular mother
(6) Totally beautiful and healthy
(7) Absolutely NON FLIRT with ANY other men EVER at all....totally NON SEXUAL EXCEPT WITH ME!

Guess what..welcome to reality...if I get some of these things some of the time Im a very very lucky man.

Same goes for you..

Unfortunately if you have a gamma man...not enough alpha and not enough beta....he needs to go through some major changes....agreed, him becoming a jerk is not what you have in mind and not the answer...

He needs to become a MAN for you....imperfect..but still clearly a MAN...so you can WANT him.

Sorry Im taken...hahaha


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> I wish my WIFE would be a
> 
> (1) Fantastic supportive loving nurturing perfect mother type
> (2) A great co-breadwinner
> ...


Ok. Ok. Good point. No one can be all things. But you are also right...he needs to be a MAN. I get that being a MAN can also mean sometimes being an accidental JERK, but I'm just saying one shouldn't ASPIRE to being a jerk or think that's what they've got to be in order to inspire their woman to want them. "I don't agree and I won't back down on this one" would get me hot enough. That's not being a jerk. That's having a spine.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

agreed 100%....

personally Im really trying to eliminate the jerk part.

let me give you some of the man side though...again...its really confusing...

My wife has specifically been mad as heck about the EXACT same things that she tells me at other times she likes about me.

A great example one time during sex with her bouncing on me....she said to me and I quote...

"you are bad, bad, bad...why do you have to be so bad?"

and fake slapped me across the face while smiling....."

Go figure.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

For the whole dynamic to make sense, you must look at it from an anthropological viewpoint. Being too nice and available makes a lot less valuable and attractive, but I hear you! I would love to just be a nice guy for one day but meh...somebody's gotta be a d!ck I guess.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

What Women Want - Comic Brian Scott McFadden on Letterman - YouTube!


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> Firebelly,
> 
> Of course of course....but it IS be a fine line...its really hard...some of us ARE TRYING and not quite making it....
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yep...takes 2 to make a relationship and both parties wish to find that one in a million person who is everything they want with that perfect balance that is present at all times.......

Why does it seem in many instances when a relationship starts to become troubled one party then focuses on why that person is not perfect and that this "flaw" then is turned into fuel to either have a EA/PA or end the relationship.....interesting.

I guess a lot of people cannot stay being happy with having some good qualities in their spouse some of the time.......


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think what all of us on both sides hate is when a partner leaves the decision making to us (acts passive) then turns around and criticizes our decision. I think we all want our partner to be clear about that they want so we can try to provide it and don't waste time trying to accomplish something that won't be appreciated anyhow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him, "Baby it really turns me on when you stand up to XYZ. It makes you seem like ALL MAN in my eyes and makes me want to jump all over you." Say it wit a twinkle in your eye.

Positive feedback for what you like. 

He sounds like a good guy that a lot of women would be happy to date. 

You said you are usually the one doing the chasing so maybe that is why this relationship feels weird to you. Or could it be you just like jerks? If so, that is a whole 'nother ballgame.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

firebelly said:


> I think what I'm asking is - would it do any good to tell him the truth - that his lack of assertiveness makes me less attracted to him? Probably not, huh? I'm thinking of a scenario in which my SO might say "Your fat ass really makes me less attracted to you. Just being honest."


Your intentions may be good but the words you say can and will cut deep. Most men have fragile ego's - more so than ours. Every day we have a choice we can use our words to build men up or we can point out their flaws.

I've been married for 21 years and I can attest that the more I build my husband up the more assertive/alpha he becomes. Tearing him down only makes him more insecure.

There is no such thing as the perfect man/woman. We all have flaws and none of do everything right 100% of the time. I believe in focusing on what's good and less on the rest. With practice I find I don't even see my husband's flaws anymore. I just see him as the man I love and adore.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Positive feedback for what you like.
> 
> He sounds like a good guy that a lot of women would be happy to date.


YES!! :smthumbup:

Something that my wife does not understand is providing feedback in a constructive or positive way is way more effective vs:

"Your such a useless shell of a man who cannot stand up to a light breeze" (just having fun here although it is close to what she would say). :lol:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

How was he when you met him?

I believe there is a tipping point in a relationship for many 'decent' guys.

If he was nice and loving and passive when you met him, then odds are (and I don't mean this as a criticism of you in any way) that over the course of your relationship he became more so, in a belief that giving you, or conceding to what you want would make you love him ... and unfortunately, too much of a good thing ends up being a very, very, bad thing.

Do you respect him? You don't need to answer that openly, but the reality is that the dynamic that most 'Nice Guys' create, and contribute to, believing it will earn them love and respect, in fact creates the exact opposite effect.

In effect, and in no way am I saying that you are responsible, but over the course of your relationship, you have trained him.

If you want to salvage the relationship, you will have to un-train him. This by default means that you will likely have to modify YOUR behavior in terms of how you respond to him.

As Mavash stated, find ways to praise or build him up when he behaves in the manner you would like to see more of. Could be as simple as him deciding where you go to dinner. If he defaults to, "I don't know, what do you feel like?"
then you smile and say "You decide. Surprise me."
And if he delivers, then be happy about whatever decision he makes and praise him, even if it isn't where you would prefer to go. Dinner isn't the goal ... make sense?

And of course if all of this sounds exhausting, and you already know that 'it's gone and ain't coming back' then the best thing you can do is be honest with him.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Why do relationships have to be so complicated? Men having to walk a fine line to satisfy their wives. Am I being too nice or not assertive enough. blah. Then the whole hint thing. Where a couple can't just come out and say what is on their mind and has to hint about it. 

I for one learn to appreciate the good qualities and negate the bad. Everyone has flaws, but it can be tough communicating to your spouse what traits you dislike and want him/her to work on without offending them. No one wants to think their significant other thinks they are a wuss or fat or whatever.

The worse thing you can do IMO is let sleeping dogs lie while internally your dislike of your spouses bad traits festers and grows to the point of breaking the relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

fetishwife said:

"I wish my WIFE would be a 

(1) Fantastic supportive loving nurturing perfect mother type
(2) A great co-breadwinner
(3) An incredible porn star in bed while also being totally LOVING and considerate during the love making..and be up for it WHENEVER IM IN THE MOOD...
(4) Totally focused on making me, her man, the number one thing in her life and always building me up. Always trusting me...always looking up to me.
(5) A spectacular mother
(6) Totally beautiful and healthy
(7) Absolutely NON FLIRT with ANY other men EVER at all....totally NON SEXUAL EXCEPT WITH ME!

Guess what..welcome to reality...if I get some of these things some of the time Im a very very lucky man." (end quote)

(shrug) I am all of these things and my husband would enthusiastically agree that I am. He is the male equivalent to all of these things. It IS possible. It just requires two people who are dedicated to meeting each other's needs.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

firebelly said: "Anyone else experience this? How did you communicate with your guy to get him to stop being so nice?"

In my marriage, my H was the one who needed/wanted me to be more alpha and assert myself. Not because I was wimpy but because I would tend to whine or b*tch instead of just simply assert myself. There is a big difference between these two things which I didn't understand before he explained what he needed from me.

So to you I would advise the same thing as what my H did to me. He simply told me straight up what he needed from me. No hints, no beating around the bush and expecting me to figure it out on my own. He just told me. If I didn't understand it correctly, I asked for clarfication. At some points I wasn't sure I could give him what he was asking for but HE never felt that way...he was always fully invested in me and believed I was able to give him exactly what he wanted.

Do you BELIEVE your H can give you what you want? Because if you don't, you need to start there, by having faith that he can be the husband you need him to be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> How was he when you met him?
> 
> I believe there is a tipping point in a relationship for many 'decent' guys.
> 
> ...


*RESPECT* is vital, when the respect goes, so does the attraction ....

My husband is the NICE type.. one could not pay the man to act like a Jerk to a woman.... he is all these things you said here



> *firebelly said*: he's got a work history that suggests that he's always been a hard worker, he's a great listener, he's patient, he's generous, he's smart. He's not addicted to anything. Doesn't have anger management issues. But the nicer he is to me, the more I'm annoyed.


I can't say these behaviors has ever annoyed me.. But I can say that other behaviors can EXCITE a woman more so.... 

....I 1st heard it referred here on this forum....it was saying all men need some "EDGE" to them.....does your boyfriend have any "edginess" to him? If you don't know what I mean, I did a thread on this ... CLICK HERE

Things like .... does he make you laugh....get you to laugh at yourself ... . what does he get FIRED up about / he Passionate about - do you admire seeing him in his element /hobbys he excels at ....where is his *confidence*- how do you feel it -coming from him ? 

Then what is your *chemistry* like ?? 

Not all personalities can have Chemistry...some women are just attracted to a man with more BAD BOY...maybe this one will never have enough. I know with my husband, if I wanted MANLY MANLY -rough handling -I'd have been best to dump him shortly after we met. Let a good man find a woman who appreciates him for all he is & what he can bring to a relationship. It's just not fair otherwise. 

But nothing wrong with opening this conversation up... Assertiveness in expressing our concerns, desires, & needs is GOOD... it can be FUN to shake things up to. 

I never cared for one with too much BadBoy...I prefer the sensual romantic Best friend type....who loves my opinion & treats me like a Queen ... I don't mind clingy either if he just loves being with me ....

But all of these things to an extent..... for instance.... I can't imagine being turned on by a Fred Rogers type... with his sweaters, loafers, playing with puppets & feeding his fish with care, singing "won't you be my neighbor" >> 








I see zero edge in a man like this, at least from appearances on Tv, even when a little girl, I could not stand his show, it seemed so GAY to me...

That is what I call TOO NICE. So where is your boyfriend...Think hard, does he do anything that can remotely be looked upon as inner devious, badboyish that gets you to say ....Meowww ??!!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> As far as being more Alpha in bed....I WISH women would just ASK Men....and it would not have to be so detailed and complex as to spoil the mood...
> 
> If my wife would just ask me ONCE
> 
> ...


But dude!

If she has to ask you or drop you hints it spoils it. The whole idea for me is that she has to feel that at that moment in time I find her so sexy, so desirable that the lust I feel for her means I need to 'have' her now.
I don't just suddenly jump up and drag her upstairs, not normally anyway, I build.

"you look nice today"

"you smell sexy"

"I love holding you just there,makes me horny/turns me on"

Intersperse the above with eyeing up her breasts,patting her butt etc

"What panties you got on?" Whatever she answers compliment her sexy wise even if they are granny panties.

At some point make your move, tell her she has got you so horny you can't wait

You get the picture anyway. I can't say it will work for you but it works for us. Just shown wife this she grinned and said "remember last time we did that"

You are not being alpha in bed if you have to wait for permission to be 'alpha'


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## Wyrd One (Sep 10, 2012)

My wife and I recently separated because I was too nice and she felt smothered by me.

I spent so much time supporting her, helping her, never upsetting her or disagreeing with her, trying to bow to her every wish and desire to keep her as happy as possible that she lost any desire for me.

I would highly recommned the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's not a manual on how to become a jerk. It's a book for a man on how to cater to yourself, and stand up for your own wants and needs. How to add some Alpha back to the Beta you are or have become.

I would read that book yourself and see if it seems like your man. If so, and you think he'd be receptive to it, have him read it. When I read it I was floored at how accurately it described me, how I acted, and why I did the things I did. It has a series of exercises and introspective questions to help you get to the root of your Nice Guy behavior, recognize it when it happens, and stop being a non-confrontational doormat.

I don't know if that applies to your man, but I was too nice and my 11 year relationship is over now. Address this sooner rather than later.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Faithful Wife and Simply Amorous...

SIGH...I wish my wife was more like you ladies....

All I can do is improve myself and suggest to her...but she knows specifically what I want more of....basically her time...

....she has made a lot of changes this year despite what people often say..."people dont change" I have found that "people" in fact DO change in some ways if they want to do so and its communicated to them.

But I can't say my wife is ALL the things on the "wish list" that I posted...

(1) She is just still too into her job for me to say its perfect. .. but I do like the substantial extra money...but I could support us both quite nicely anyway...so I could see having a non working or more part time working wife in an alternate universe...

(2) Her sex drive is just still a little too low for me to say its perfect..(although much much better than in the past..and she is willing to go for it with me several times a week..usually like 3...on the weekends mostly though....maybe I can squeeze in something during the week but its greeted with far less enthusiasm...she does not even attempt to please herself or desire that I do "anything" to please her if its a weeknight....she seems to initiate it herself a lot more often that in the past...I think its her mid 40's age that I read so much about and all our MC and IC and talking....I hope that does not end or at least not until we both can care less.

Still, the more interest she showed me ....the amazing and initially confusing new interest she could have in sex these days...(not so true for prior 20 years)...the more I feel like Im missing...certainly I got pissed about what I "had missed" in the past...but I've learned to let go...too late to change any of that.

I sorta forgot what "good sex" was like..in other works where the woman was actually seriously interested in it since this was more the exception that the rule for most of our 23 years...

Then when that changed last winter and she decided sex with me was actually something that interested her (while still declaring that it was not an important part of her life)....I realized what I had been missing....WOW.

I made the decision then and there to expect that I deserve to be "wanted" by a woman..hopefully my wife...but if not then I had enough of her. Luckily this has at least happened enough to keep me going in the marriage since everything else is fine.

Still I cant go back to the days of no excitement sex....this speaks to what the OP was saying in a way...from a man's point of view...

I can't live my life anymore feeling unwanted sexually.

As long as my wife is at least REASONABLY interested in showing me that she is interested at least SOME times in sex with me..then I can deal with the rest of the time when she is kind enough to have sex with me in a friendly if not so passionate way in order to meet my needs.

If I was the OP and her mate can't offer her anything that gives her that sense of passion, then she is not doing him any favors by staying with him anyway...it will be a dud of a marriage...if either of them wants more.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Sorry to go off topic a bit by rambling...

But I was trying to make the point to the OP....she does have a right to EXPECT TO FEEL PASSIONATE about her man...otherwise he is not going to feel wanted and it can make things go downhill.....


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