# Cant Forgive and resentment is ruining our mariage!!



## emis (Mar 3, 2010)

Ill say hi to you all first of all as im new here but have been reading some posts to find out if its just me who feels the way i do. OK Here we go. 

I have been married now for 10 months and been with my husband for 9 years. We lived together before we married. Know one knows me like my husband and we always generally got along. Hes a hard person to communicate with but we somehow got through some tough times and ive always stood by him and fought for our relatonship no matter what. 

Lately though i feel like giving up. About three years ago he started texting a woman he worked with. He also started socializing with her. I found the texts and they were of a definite sexual nature. I checked his phone (i know) because he started to act so suspiciously. I confronted about texts and we have had long winded discussions and arguments about them since. He swears they were a jokey kind of thing and that he didnt mean anything by it.

After one argument about a text i found he told me he had met somoene else. A friend of the woman he was texting. They met a few times on work nights out. He then told me he didnt mean what he had said. He was just unhappy with us and wantedto end things with me.

Im still feeling very insecure and hurt by what he did. I have tried everything to get over his betrayal but just cant seem to get past this. I thought our marriage would be a fresh start but i still think about what he did every day. Lately though it goes round and round recently they were brought up again after he lied to me about something trivial. 

It doesnt help matters when we fall out he drives to his mothers and stays there for two three nights without contacting me and when i ring he hangs up.This drives me mad.

I have warned him his behaviour is driving me away and hes says he loves me more than anything. But im afraid i cant forgive him and hes lost me. I dont want my marriage to fail. Is it normal to feel like this after so much time has passed.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Everything and nothing is normal. 
Go with your gut. 
Get marriage counseling. 
You deserve to be happy.


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## Mo Simpson (Jun 3, 2009)

Your husband broke your trust and that trust is not going to be easily restored. Don't beat yourself up wondering if you're being normal or not, you're feeling what you're feeling and that's right for you.

If you and your husband really seriously want to rescue your marriage then you should talk to a counsellor about how you both feel, what's happend in the marriage and how you go forward from this point.

Also your husband needs to seriously realise he's married and stop living out his fantasies and stop running off to his mother's when the two of you hit trouble. He has to learn to sort out your problems when they occur and not take refuge at his mother's leaving you to fume!

Good luck!


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## emis (Mar 3, 2010)

Thanks for replying folks. The runing off to his mothers does not help matters at all. I have spoke to him about this and every time he comes home he says he knows hes married and shouldnt act like that but what made me write on her is i was alone last night again after he left. He has been there now for a week and part of that week we didnt even row. Hes seems to prefer being there. Thats how i feel about it any way. 

He seems incapable of being in an adult relationship. He gets defensive and angry when i bring matters up with him. The last argument we had was because we both had a week off work and i suggested going to museum one morning. This resulted in a row because he preffered to stay at home. He never wants to go anywhere. 

I just feel i have a hit a brick wall and i am losing respect and love for him at an alarming rate. I never thought even in the bad times that i could stop loving him. It seems to be happening though. I know im not perfect either but i need him to realise that his behaviour is driving me away. 

He has said that i love to argue when i try and talk to him.. I have pointed out to him that when i get up in the morning i dont plan to have a row with him as it upsets me.

He just seems to want a very easy life with no upset. Intimacuy has all but died. Another bone of centention for me but he swears that hes attractedto me.

I m at my wits end and just feel its easier to be on my own.

Weve been talking about a baby (we have no children but i feel id be left to bring up baby alone if we went ahead.

I just dont know what to do anymore he wont see a counsellor.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a few thoughts:

First, in order for your marriage to heal and make any progress, he has to commit to NO CONTACT with the other woman EVER! In fact, on my website, I have an article "The Purpose of No Contact" to explain why it's so important. Until he commits to breaking it off with the OW entirely and never, ever, EVER contacting her again--you're marriage can not progress. So the first thing I notice is that he has continued to mess with the first woman and her friend, so that means that no matter what he may "say"--he is still in the affair. So just bear that in mind. The two of you can not make any progress until he willingly breaks it off entirely. 

Second, it is natural for you to be hurt and insecure about what he's done because from everything you've said, he hasn't stopped doing it yet. You will be able to tell that he has stopped contacting the other women when he tells you that it is reasonable for you to be hurt because he acted in a way that was hurtful. You will be able to tell that he has stopped contacting them when he openly and freely gives you access to his passwords, email, cellphones, chats and all of it. If he did that, he'd be ACTING in a way that matches his words....and in a way that builds trust again. Right now his words and actions are not matching and so it is reasonable for you to not trust him and feel insecure. 

He's been at his mom's for A WEEK now you say? I would suggest that while he's there, you let him know that you've decided to think about whether this is working for you, and that while you're thinking you want no contact from him. He's not welcome back home and you'll be packing his things so he can stay at his mother's until you decide if YOU want HIM or not. Then do not contact him in any way. This is not to try to play games with him. This is for you to take some time away from someone who clearly is stringing you along. If he wants back in your life, tell him he needs end all contact with all other women immediately, he needs to start counseling immediately, voluntarily give you access to all of his accounts, and agree to a plan to reconcile with you! Until he does that--that would show some dedication on his part--don't let him back no matter what he "promises." His word means nothing right now--ACTIONS mean something.


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## emis (Mar 3, 2010)

Thank you Affaircare. I did manage to speak to him earlier after I phoned him. He wants it to end because im unreasonable. I told him maybe i am but he never answered my questions fully on what he did. That has never let me move on entirely. I think the damage has been done and after three years of trying to fix it we have no way back. I cant beleive im saying this but right now i dont know if I want a way back. I feel almost releived, but he still cant admit he had a part in our marriage unravelling. He still insists that what he did was harmless and that he knows he hurt me but he didnt intend to. How can you reason with that?


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## Crazyredhead (Mar 4, 2010)

Wow emis, I just read your posts, we do sound similar, except hubby stays home, he too thinks it is harmless. My thoughts are with you.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

emis - PLEASE don't have a baby right now. OMG, give yourself all the care and attention you need. Please don't add another to the mix - I promise it will only worsen things.

You have the BENEFIT of NOT having any extra baggage to have to consider when evaluating your relationship. You deserve happiness. If he refuses to go to counseling - or help you with your feelings now - trust me it will only get worse with time. 

Perhaps sometime away from each other will help both of you - him in particular figure things out. You have a long road ahead of you.


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## emis (Mar 3, 2010)

We do talk about about it when things are going well. But to me it is just really a dream at the moment. I do thank god that it is only the two of us in this mess and not a little one as well.

Dont worry i may be a sucker for him but i would not bring a child into this relationship. Besides for as much talking weve done about it it would have to be the immaculate conception right now.

Thanks ill take care. I think i have reached a point were i have realised i cant make this all better on my own he needs to want it as well. Right now weve decided to separate we both need to think away from the other. Im alone again tonight and he is on a pre-planned trip this weekend. Im hoping this is finally the make or break. But i really am thinking hes driven me away and i wish i didnt feel like this.

Id like to thank you all for your words of support and advice. Like a lot of other people on here i do not feel comfortable talking to family or friends about this. I dont like the way they autmatically tell you to leave him/her with no experience of what it is like to be deceived by the person you have loved. At least everyone here knows that feeling and how hard it is to break the cycle. Thanks


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## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

I'm in the same situation...if u need someone to talk to thats going through some of the same things,......... feel free to send me a personal message......


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## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

emis said:


> We do talk about about it when things are going well. But to me it is just really a dream at the moment. I do thank god that it is only the two of us in this mess and not a little one as well.
> 
> Dont worry i may be a sucker for him but i would not bring a child into this relationship. Besides for as much talking weve done about it it would have to be the immaculate conception right now.
> 
> ...


We do in fact have a little one together...and yes it does make it harder


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I can just say that when you have kids and people - or your spouse - say "for the family" it makes me crumble.

I am not in this relationship just for family. I'm a person too and I need to be happy and loved for ME as an individual. 

In my personal situation my H went off the deep end when the kids entered the picture - because he wasn't number 1 anymore. His resentment toward me built, and then the As. He even told me after his last that he did it TO HURT ME. 

He loves our children beyond words, but it is extremely important to me that he is in the marriage to be with ME. I don't want to be married to the father of my children. I want to be married to my husband. 

I'm coming from a very different place than you - but I believe (have seen) many men go through this thing once kids come in. And as I have worked to rebuild my marriage that has been a number 1. He knows that I never want to hear "for the family."


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