# Help me please............



## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

Hi, I am new to all of this......this forum, my world crashing down around me, the idea of losing my husband..........all of it!

My husband of almost 12 years and I have had some rocky roads. We both have made mistakes over the years, I have done my fair share and then some. This month he told me that he was going to leave me at the beginning of August. I really didn't believe him and thought things would be okay. Well, last Monday, he left after an argument. He has been staying the nights at my elderly mom's home and spending very little time with me and our daughters (10 and 4 year olds). I am devastated. The girls are devastated. I am unable to eat, sleep, function and am barely hanging on each day to get through it for the girls. I cannot seem to reach him. It's like an alien has taken over his body and mind. He sees only one thing, leaving. I have tried to talk to him and convince him that there are other options and that I will do anything to make our marriage work. To please come home and just try. He refuses to hear of any of it and says it is over. He has this plan in his head and a vision that we will all be happier if we are not together and all the stress is gone from our lives. He cannot see what this is doing to our girls and he refuses to make even one tiny admission or effort to work on our marriage. I have tried over the past week to give him his space and let him breath. I haven't been calling, etc. Well, today he called me and said that after his trip to see his father next week, he needs to move on and I need to make a decision. Either I am going to stay in our home with our girls (that I cannot afford to pay the mortgage on) and he will get an apartment, or he will stay in the home and me and the girls can move out. After he said this I was numb and felt like I couldn't breath. He said "are you there", I simply said "yes, I am here. How can he have so little emotions, feelings, caring for me and our girls after all these years? I feel like he is a complete stranger. I am so lost and numb, I don't know what to do. Please help and offer any feedback, advice that you have about what I should do to convince him to give our marriage another try. He says "we have been here before.....it's not going to work". And we have been where he said he was leaving or said he wanted to leave before, but he has never stayed away at night OR been this strong about it being over and not wanting to even explore other options. I am SO scared and barely hanging on. Please pray for me and help me..................I'm all alone.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

What sparked him to leave this time?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Go see a lawyer - now!! Do not move out of that house until you do so - dont listen to him please!! He sounds like hes already detached - you need to start worrying about you & your daughters - never mind him. Are you sure there isn't someone else in the picture? The night my stbxh left he sounded like your husband sounded - very detached. Don't beg or plead with him. Do 180 - take care of you & your daughters.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you made sure there's nobody else in the picture? And if you want help, you'll need to give more details on the "rocky road". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Have you made sure there's nobody else in the picture? And if you want help, you'll need to give more details on the "rocky road".
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

I really don't think there is anybody else physically. Maybe someone else emotionally giving him advice/encouragement to leave. I really am struggling and don't know what to do. Our Rocky Road has included arguing to the point of selfish stand offs, both of us being resentful and not being willing to give in. Avoidance and dismissal if each others needs. Health issues (mainly his), we had a miscarriage and lost a child, struggled with infertility for our second child, money issues, etc. I am drowning and don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

He says we are not compatible and share no common interests. He says too much damage has been done. It feels as though he has shut the door. I'm trying to be respectful and give him his time/space, but I also feel like I should be doing something and that I'm missing opportunities to break through to him and chances to get him to see that leaving is not the only option and that we can make it work to save our marriage and our family. I LOVE THIS MAN!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> He says we are not compatible and share no common interests. He says too much damage has been done. It feels as though he has shut the door. I'm trying to be respectful and give him his time/space, but I also feel like I should be doing something and that I'm missing opportunities to break through to him and chances to get him to see that leaving is not the only option and that we can make it work to save our marriage and our family. I LOVE THIS MAN!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Begging & pleading won't work. Read through some of these threads - go no contact - do 180. Look for proof of an affair. Please see a lawyer - it's so important right now - I'm not saying to file anything - just go for a consult to find out your rights. A lot of us here have been through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

What do you do? How do you function? I'm seriously unable to think and accomplish everyday tasks. I want this to all be a horrible nightmare that I wake up from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

It might help you to read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...putting-my-seat-belt-its-going-long-ride.html

But accept the fact that, although it takes two to make a marriage, it only takes one to end it.

Steel yourself.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Don't be surprised if there is another woman. His actions reak of a cheater....especially the reasons he is giving you for leaving.


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Begging & pleading won't work. Read through some of these threads - go no contact - do 180. Look for proof of an affair. Please see a lawyer - it's so important right now - I'm not saying to file anything - just go for a consult to find out your rights. A lot of us here have been through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is a 180??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> What is a 180??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know how to put a link in but right now there is a thread "what is this 180 I keep hearing about" there is a link there you can click on. 

I understand the feeling of disbelief & not being able to move forward but you can. I m six months into it & I'm still standing & functioning pretty well. Right now it feels like a nightmare that you just want to wake up from - you have to go through the emotions but just try to think clearly enough that he doesn't take advantage of you. You need to really try. Keep posting & reading here - this place is so helpful.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

myladybugs said:


> What is a 180??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> Don't be surprised if there is another woman. His actions reak of a cheater....especially the reasons he is giving you for leaving.


Can I ask why you say that? All of his time is accountable. It may be an emotional thing. Maybe with someone reassuring him and boosting him. Please help me clarify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Is it really - my stbxh accounted for all his time and he was carrying on an affair for at least 8-9 months before he left. Hindsight is wonderful - as more time passes the more I realized how much he lied. Turns out hes known the woman for 20 years - worked with her & kept in touch after I know the ea went on way longer than the pa but both happened. I think what we're all trying to say is we've been there & we've seen the signs. You're too close to the situation. All we're saying is look harder - to all of us it sounds like he already has someone. I know it totally stinks to have to think this way but you really need to - trust me.


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Is it really - my stbxh accounted for all his time and he was carrying on an affair for at least 8-9 months before he left. Hindsight is wonderful - as more time passes the more I realized how much he lied. Turns out hes known the woman for 20 years - worked with her & kept in touch after I know the ea went on way longer than the pa but both happened. I think what we're all trying to say is we've been there & we've seen the signs. You're too close to the situation. All we're saying is look harder - to all of us it sounds like he already has someone. I know it totally stinks to have to think this way but you really need to - trust me.


What to look for and how? What is the value?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Look mine flat out told me which in a strange way was a good thing but there were many questions left unanswered that I'm still finding out now. You should know - check phone records - credit card statements - that's how I almost caught mine. He was supposed to be in one place but he had charges for another that was nowhere near where he was supposed to be. When I questioned him he pretended to drop his phone & then tell me he couldn't hear me (???) Then turned it into an argument about something completely different. Depending on what state you live in adultery may work to your advantage. So does abandonment - that's why I'm telling you don't move out of your house until you see a lawyer. In my state because he had an affair & left the home I have the advantage. I know its hard but you need to think that way.


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

I cannot sleep. I feel so sad, alone and confused. What am I going to do? Oh God, help me please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Please go see a doctor for anxiety and/or depression. They can help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

myladybugs said:


> What to look for and how? What is the value?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you get her name and know where she lives, you can crush the affair.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> I cannot sleep. I feel so sad, alone and confused. What am I going to do? Oh God, help me please!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have family or friends you could talk to? That is so important at a time like this. This is all very new to you not being able to sleep or eat is expected. I felt the same way when this happened to me but remember one thing - you are not alone. You would be amazed at how many other people are going through similar situations as yours.


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Do you have family or friends you could talk to? That is so important at a time like this. This is all very new to you not being able to sleep or eat is expected. I felt the same way when this happened to me but remember one thing - you are not alone. You would be amazed at how many other people are going through similar situations as yours.


I really don't. I have my elderly mom living here, but she really isn't a support. I try not to worry her. I take primary care of her. 
I really need some concrete solid "to do" advice. I feel helpless and hopeless!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I chose not to expose the affair - I did over time anyway because I didn't hide what happened to me. I'm not the best one to give advice on that but once you establish if there is someone else the idea is to contact family - friends - if she has a husband then you contact her husband. People your husband works with. The idea is to snap him back into reality - bust the "fantasy" bubble or "fog" they are in. 
Also my advice to you is to go have a consult with a lawyer. Follow the 180 - do it for yourself first - not with the intention of getting him back.
I'm asking you if you have friends or family for moral support - not so much for getting ideas on how to handle this. Are there any support groups in your area?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

myladybugs said:


> I really don't. I have my elderly mom living here, but she really isn't a support. I try not to worry her. I take primary care of her.
> I really need some concrete solid "to do" advice. I feel helpless and hopeless!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We gave you some.

It appears you don't like it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Conrad said:


> We gave you some.
> 
> It appears you don't like it.


This might be harsh, but...



The victim chair is oh so comfortable.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> We gave you some.
> 
> It appears you don't like it.


I think she is looking for some magic advice that we can give to make him change his mind an go back to her and the kids - to just end the nightmare. We know that's not the way this works - there is nothing else we can say.

I'm sure she is in a state of disbelief/shock. While I was melting down I had people around me reminding me of the reality of the situation which was invaluable. It helped bring me around - that's why I keep asking if there is anyone to help her with that at this point.
)
The advice we've given is good advice. We have all been through this - its not like we're making stuff up. You need to do some of this on your own - we cant do it for you. Read threads on this forum - do online searches for support advice- start to face that at least for now you have to worry about you and your kids and not worry about winning him back. Become a stronger person - you need to do this NOW or he is going to take advantage of you. He sounds like he is detached - he has a clear head - he knows what he wants and is pushing through with it - now you need to do the same.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> I cannot sleep. I feel so sad, alone and confused. What am I going to do? Oh God, help me please!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now ... Listen up ... Go and give your two kiddos a big, big hug .. Tell yourself that you are loved, wanted and needed by your two beautiful, precious children. You are the only parent they can depend on right now. Do not let them down.

Listen to the good people here. We have all got the 'been there, heard the same crap, done that' tee shirt.

Act pronto :
* go to your family doctor and get a prescription for anti depressant. It will help on a short term
* speak to a lawyer ASAP
* detach detach detach
* have regular meals and as much sleep as you can muster

You CAN and WILL move forward from this.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> I cannot sleep. I feel so sad, alone and confused. What am I going to do? Oh God, help me please!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh, I so feel for you. I am in a similar situation, but my wife is living here. She just leaves when she wants and doesn't answer her phone or return texts then she will show up later. It would be way easier if she just left. CLOSURE. I think being in between "can it work omfg" and "seperation/SNIP" is really the hardest part. You are constantly being put together and ripped apart and that is maddening. 

The 180 plan looks really solid. It is survival now hon, nothing less. Do what is best for you and your girls. I say this as I tell myself the same thing. It is hard. You aren't alone.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

"It's like an alien has taken over his body and mind. He sees only one thing, leaving. I have tried to talk to him and convince him that there are other options and that I will do anything to make our marriage work"

^^ yikes , sorry but huge red flag


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

This is going to sound insane, but something that has greatly helped me detach in the past is seeing the person as dead. Even if that means visualizing killing them over and over and over in my head every time I think of them. Of course it stops at visualization. It is like a form of meditation until eventually the person is no longer regularly even in ones thoughts.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ohno said:


> This is going to sound insane, but something that has greatly helped me detach in the past is seeing the person as dead. Even if that means visualizing killing them over and over and over in my head every time I think of them. Of course it stops at visualization. It is like a form of meditation until eventually the person is no longer regularly even in ones thoughts.


Ummm... that's a little graphic and extreme. My cousin told me to use visualization to help me move on - youre on the right track - but more along the lines of shutting a door - me walking away - once when she was trying to get me to laugh she said to visualize putting him & all his drama he brought into my life into a toilet & flushing it away into the sewer where he belonged. It works without all the violence


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I am far from an expert but I think meditation is more focused around peace and harmony not beating someone to death , but I understand the point


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## myladybugs (Jul 17, 2013)

Soveryalone said:


> I am far from an expert but I think meditation is more focused around peace and harmony not beating someone to death , but I understand the point


I am hearing all of your advice and yes I do want a magic answer. I want this nightmare to end. I want to have a chance to make things right. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to stand strong for my marriage and fight with everything I have? I don't think so. I hope not. I have nothing else but my girls and my faith. Why turn and sit passively instead of taking action to save my marriage and family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

myladybugs said:


> I am hearing all of your advice and yes I do want a magic answer. I want this nightmare to end. I want to have a chance to make things right. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to stand strong for my marriage and fight with everything I have? I don't think so. I hope not. I have nothing else but my girls and my faith. Why turn and sit passively instead of taking action to save my marriage and family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the action would increase your chances of having the life you want, you should take it.

Yet, as many here will attest, the very things your emotions compel you to do at this moment are entirely counterproductive to the ending you seek.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Ummm... that's a little graphic and extreme. My cousin told me to use visualization to help me move on - youre on the right track - but more along the lines of shutting a door - me walking away - once when she was trying to get me to laugh she said to visualize putting him & all his drama he brought into my life into a toilet & flushing it away into the sewer where he belonged. It works without all the violence


It is extreme but death is final. I always saw it as killing the false image I had of the person. And it wasn't necessarily me murdering the person so much as seeing a terrible car crash or a bad fall, being eaten by wild animals, oopsing the hair dryer into the tub while having a bath- that kind of thing. Sometimes complete with funeral and tears....acknowledging the death of who I thought they were and saying good bye. Closure I guess.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

myladybugs said:


> I am hearing all of your advice and yes I do want a magic answer. I want this nightmare to end. I want to have a chance to make things right. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to stand strong for my marriage and fight with everything I have? I don't think so. I hope not. I have nothing else but my girls and my faith. Why turn and sit passively instead of taking action to save my marriage and family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because what you want to do wont help you it will hurt you. Honestly - what would you like to do? The first reaction in a case like this is to beg and plead for him to stop this nonsense and just come home - problem is - it wont work. That's why we are giving you this advice. It hurts like anything and it goes against everything instinct tells you to do but becoming a strong person for you and your daughters is your only choice right now. Use your belief in your faith and your daughters to get through this.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ohno said:


> It is extreme but death is final. I always saw it as killing the false image I had of the person. And it wasn't necessarily me murdering the person so much as seeing a terrible car crash or a bad fall, being eaten by wild animals, oopsing the hair dryer into the tub while having a bath- that kind of thing. Sometimes complete with funeral and tears....acknowledging the death of who I thought they were and saying good bye. Closure I guess.


Flushing things away is final too & a lot less violence involved....


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Flushing things away is final too & a lot less violence involved....


Mars and Venus


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

myladybugs said:


> I am hearing all of your advice and yes I do want a magic answer. I want this nightmare to end. I want to have a chance to make things right. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to stand strong for my marriage and fight with everything I have? I don't think so. I hope not. I have nothing else but my girls and my faith. Why turn and sit passively instead of taking action to save my marriage and family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is...this IS what you've been doing...and how's that working for you? It hasn't for years and it's NOT going to now. As a matter of fact it will drive him further faster. 

Look ...'this many' people can't be wrong can they? This entire forum is FULL of men and women (myself included) going through or went through EXACTLY what you are experiencing. 

You need to Suxck it up...and listen! This IS the only way your going to BEGIN to get out of the well your trying to crawl out of. 
One peg at a time lady. 
First peg...own this. Realize it's happening. With that...guess what YOU won't be changing it. HE has begun to make plans to move on. Got that? 
Second peg...understand you have two kids...you MUST get your crap together NOW. Eat. Sleep. Love on them...take care of them and yourself. Including seeing a doc for meds and start counseling. 
Third....get a friggin lawyer...understand you have rights and will be taken advantage of if you don't excorsize those rights immediately. 
Ok ok...I could go on with this peg counting....

Point is....all this advice here...falls into place. Take it. 

It's either roll over and die...or buck up and take back control because there is no in between. 

Yes it hurts...no kidding....no one here said it was going to be easy but I can tell you if you start hardening your heart and taking care of you and the kids I promise you you will gain more strength each day if not each moment. 

You need to embrace reality...and accept the advice and help. 

You don't like how you feel now right? Only 'you' are going to be able to get yourself out of it. Not your abandoning husband or anyone else. 
'You' 

So take a breath...and get a grip...because it's gonna be a ride...and it's up to you to stay on top. 
Kapeesh?


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## loveyoutodeath (Aug 5, 2013)

I read the 180 list.It makes sence to do it for myself and to pull myself out of this darkness.


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