# Where to begin



## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I have been married for 18 years. Well lets start with the latest. He is in his own business and he subcontracts out of one place. He is a carpet installer. The place he subs out of is very slow, but looking at the local paper I saw 2 other stores looking for installers and I told him. Well he blew up and told me I am a money hungry pig and on and on and on. We had a big fight and I tried to explain and wrote it on paper what we need for the month and of course it was a waste of time, he didn't want to look at it. He is always ready to criticize me but when it's in black and white he couldn't care less it's whatever and goes on with his day. It's never settled. I feel like he has given up on our family and I don't know what to do. He has become a different person and I don't know him anymore.
Yesterday I called him to find out what he wanted for dinner and all of a sudden he started to carry on. He was telling me how he went into the office this morning and saw paperwork of another installer and saw what he made which is the same money as my husband and he's not dealing with it anymore so I said to him if he isn't making more than you what's the difference keep quiet there isn't much work to open your mouth. Well you would have thought the world was coming to an end. He said he can't take this anymore and sometimes suicide seems perfect and why do I needle him and I should know when he's in a bad mood to keep my mouth shut. I only called to see what he wanted for dinner. He is insane lately. He told me if I am so worried about money I should get another job and he makes so much more than me and just never ending nonsense. I hung up and after work didn't go home. When I got home he was sleeping and I just went to bed. This morning I wrote him a letter and left it by his cellphone and haven't heard from him. Over the weekend we were arguing and I didn't come home that night and guess what he didn't look for me. It is so out of character for me to do that something I have never done before and he couldn't have cared less. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. My daughter is 15 and I feel like if I leave it will destroy her. He is like another child in my life. He never understands what I need for him. I guess I am looking for suggestions.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

how old is he?
personally i do believe in a male mid life crisis.
i think men deal with sitautions so differently to us women.
and my reason for this, is because we have the knack to chat.
we can talk about n e thing to n e one, but alot of men dont.
hide their true feelings and true emotions.
your hubby sounds very deep.
maybe he has other issues, but i agree with your insane bit.
sometimes my hubby goes of the rails and i really dont get his reasoning.
is your hubby depressed.
my hubby went to drs for his mood swings and agressive nature and put him on these tablets for depression, i promise i have a different man, but he had to learn from his own behaviour , how bad he was.
as for your hubby not going to look for you. i doubt if many men do. my hubby just leaves me. its not like i dont care attitude, its more of a give her, her space. 
thats how they deal with it.
but we just take things more personally.but thats our nature. so do a compromise in your own head.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I have always been the one in this relationship to run the show and have to actually stand behind him and push push push. I feel tired and when the going gets tough he never takes a stand. I am just tired of him venting to me and then god forbid I say one word he's flies off the handle. His childhood I think has a lot to do with his communication skills and I just can't deal with it anymore. I feel like he is my child and constantly depends on me for everything but will never admit how much he depends on me. I am always wrong no matter what we fight about the tables are turned to be my fault. I just can't understand how someone can be so clueless and blind to my needs. I know this will sound silly but in the morning I always get up and make coffee and I tell him coffee is ready come and spend a few minutes with me before work and he can't even do that. We have no life together, he never wants to go anywhere but the race track, he races cars. I have had it, but very scared to venture out on my own. In my heart I know he will not change and I don't want to settle the rest of my life. I am so scared.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

men are big babies, most men same, always more this, or more that. but as a woman , you multitask better in your head than a man, thay cannot deal with lots of things at once.
why do you call him for dinner, just do it, no phone calls.
i dont phone my hubby. 
besides what is going on in your marriage. 
i am pointing out to you, that something is lacking.
i have a little relationship theory that i worked out myself.
i find that when one is lacking , they cause problems in other areas.

here it is.
think of a circle and section it into 1/3. a relationship is based in my opinion on trust, communication and sex.
so when one of these sections decreases. i,e fo example say your not communicating, then it could lead to decreased sex. so you get frustrated and then you row because your not getin satisfied and so on....
thats what i find n e way.
simplify what you do, dont row. take a back seat to his job. 
i promise it does work.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

posted twice...see below


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

My big problem is yes is a great man and I used to say he has so many good qualities and they out weight the bad but lately he doesn't have any good. He stresses over everything no matter how small it is and I can make a suggestion and he gets so pissed and in the end he does what I suggested. Sex life is crap, we hardly have sex and when we do he's selfish there too. A few weeks ago I went for a yearly exam and it came out abnormal and they wrote me to tell me. Well I was bummed over the weekend and he didn't give me any compassion or even a word of kindness. He was clueless. He truly doesn't care.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

slickplant35 said:


> He has become a different person and I don't know him anymore.


When did this start?

I am wondering if he at one point was happy with his business and that was his drive/focus? If work is slow due to the changing economy & he sees his career at a standstill after putting many years into it, maybe he is feeling trapped in a dead-end situation.

I know for me, my focus is home/family so I can take my career issues in stride, but when things are going on at home, that's another story. For my husband, his focus/drive is his work and when that's not going well, he gets pretty down.

If his outbursts are all related to work/finances, maybe try talking to him about his career. Not how to get the bills paid or make more money, but ask him how he's feeling about his business and future in it and whether he's happy with it or thought of either doing something else or changing the direction of his business, etc. Let him know you are supportive and see if he will open up about what is really bothering him. He just might feel to pressured with work/finances and is not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. If he sees you are supportive and open to his ideas, you both may find a way to make sacrifices/compromises in your current situation & be happier in the long run.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I have tried to let him make his own decisions, but what frustrates me is that when your in your own business and it dries up in one place you look further and if you looked further and there is nothing oh yes become panicked. He doesn't have the drive to look and pound the pavement for work and it frustrates me. I have tried to just sit back and watch, but when I am going to have to struggle to pay my bills out of stupidity it makes me even more angry. I know a marriage isn't all about bills, but when everything else is screwed up it just makes it worse. He doesn't have goals in life, I have always been the one to set them and he followed and I guess at the age of 38 I want to be taken care of. I have been at my job for 18 years and always been secure maybe not financially but within my life and myself and to see him fault me for everything I say to him to try and help when he can't help himself it makes me mad. I hope I don't sound off the walls but I am so frustrated. A few weeks ago I said to him my daughter was going to be at a friends house why don't you plan a date and take me out his response to me was why don't you plan and take me out.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

he wont change, alot of men dont, because they cant.
but sometimes your changing can change them.
i know your scared.
but when was the last time you when out with a friend or family member. 
i think you need to find you again.
dress nice, and go out. even if you dont feel it right in your head to go out. you must still go out. you wil have fun and that can change you.
your hubby wil notice. i think you lack some confidence. but that can come. why dont you go to races with him. if you hate it, find your own hobby. what are your likes and or your daughters. focus on that as a starting point.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Another thing that bothers me is that he can blow off steam and carry on and 2 seconds later smile at me and say what's your problem. Everything is always about him sexually, life in general, never thinks about me. Never does anthing special, never thinks to bring me home flowers even if he picked it on the side of the road. I know I sound nuts


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

He used to race on asphalt and now he races dirt. When he raced asphalt I never missed a race. I hate the dirt it's horrible to sit there and the dirt flies in your face. 
Huh lack confidence, I didn't think so, but beginning to wonder what's wrong with me. I don't want to take this anymore, but can't live financially on my own. I am scared for my daughter. I can't get him to understand any of this. He doesn't seem to care.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ive had the same response of my hubby. not all the time, but its still been said.
your answer could have been simply ok, atleast then on the date, both of you could get the opportunity to talk and maybe iron things out.
book a hotel, daughter out for nite. worth a go if not for the time together, to c how you still for him.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If this has been going on for 18 years, it's unlikely he will change. I was with my ex the same number of years and in my 30's when I finally decided to leave. He married 2 months after we divorced and found someone new to take care of him. His lack of empathy with your test results is also something I had dealt with (he did a no show when a test result came out bad when I was pregnant and he was supposed to meet me at the Dr's office & invited a buddy over to drink beer the night of my mother's funeral & couldn't understand why I wasn't in the mood to hang out with them) If you decide to tell him you are done, he will most likely fear being on his own (assuming he has no where to go) and either shape up temporarily until things get better again or shape up for good.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

It's funny that you mention a funeral. I lost my mom at the age of 23. I found out my mom had cancer when I was pregnant with my daughter and she was always in the hospital. I used to work all day and go by myself an hour away to the hospital and all he could ever say to me was oh don't worry she will be okay. He has always been not there but as I get older I can't and won't tolerate it anymore. He is not a drinker or do drugs but he doesn't have what it takes emotionally for me. I am a very strong person but when it comes to this and my life I am falling apart.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im just letin you know, that were on a time delay here, so if this helps. it 18.10 in the uk. just incase my answers dont follow yours.

there is nothing wrong with you. and if you dont lack confidence, then the world is your oyster, you have to take it.
in what way are you scared for your daughter.
would he hurt her. or financially are you scared for her.
why dont you try it apart for a little. 
it might be difficult to start with.
but my hubby and i split ( he had a one nite stand ) april 8 08. but we now live in same house. better financially for us. 
but we dont row. 
were actually getin on better and our kids are fine. hubby does what he wants to do , and vice versa. 
but all i can say is, i have changed, but, and this isnt for him, but i notice the more i stay calm and collected , generally acting more like a man , i.e dont nag, the real woman things. 
i have actually changed his response to me.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I am scared that I can't give her what she needs financially. I make good money but not enough for us to live on our own. He would never hurt my daughter or me physically. I would have been gone the first time. I am just scared to deal with the whole thing. Telling her and explaining the whole deal will kill her. I know it gets better but that first leap is a killer. If I could close my eyes and it would be over I would go and not worry. So maybe I am a coward. I know splitting up is the answer and maybe it won't be forever and maybe he would see the light that he can't live without me. I just think I am a habit to him and his security blanket. If you knew him you would agree. Everybody always says that without me he would be nothing not to his face but I am truly his backbone. My daughter was teasing him the other day in fun that if we left he would be lost he doesn't even know where his banking is done, ask him what the mortgage is and he doesn't know. It's sad but when I try and tell him he can't be bothered.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i just think you need to have some time out. 
i can see your hurt and not knowing which way to turn, but its only u that can make those decisions. 
i think the worst u can do for yourself is hanker around.
make a decision and do it. 
men dont want to understand because they are selfish.
i know i say it, but most of men i know, are not compassionate, thoughtful, generous or kind. its because the matter that they have in their brain is black, not grey or white.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I believe that I need to get away from him and maybe I will never come back or maybe I will miss him terribly and come back. I don't want to play with my daughters emotions and mess her up. I feel bad for what she will go through too. I know kids bounce back but my child is my life and I care how she feels. I want to believe he cares but how much more can be spelled out to me HE DOESN'T CARE!!!!!! I always made excuses for him about his upbringing and all but the excuses are done, I have to take a stand for myself.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

most women are the backbones of a relationship. name me a woman that isnt. 
can you stay with a family member?
as for your daughter. 
i can only tell you from my experiences.
please bare in mind my hubby and i have split many times over the years. 
10 months, 3 months, 4 months. 
i actually see them as a much needed break from eachother. emotions run high in each of these breaks, but they did not harm.
each time out was for a different reason. stopped loving eachother, stress, infidelity. 
we have found in the instances of separation, when we didnot tell our children, they actually sensed it more, and school issues arose.
but on the other occasions we told our children and that of the latest issue with hubby one night stand. 
i actually told my children, not to hurt them. but for the issues of why i was so hurt and so angry. and why i was short tempered with them. that way they could tell me, if i was being unreasonable at times.
we actually gave the children the decision on our relationship this time.
basically do you want mum and dad to argue "no"
do you want mum and dad to be "happy"yes.
they wil take sides, its normal for a child to do that. 
but we allowed the children what days they wanted dad to call.
it was so much more open.
and if child does not want to be with you or him at times, just dont push, let her take control.
most women are in your same boat. its not even about the grass being greener on the other side. like you say you just want a normal happy family life. 
who doesnt?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i had a thought. its only when you mentioned your daughter, the protection mode in you.
why dont you ask hubby to move out for a little.
see here in uk, best to stay in house, have more rights with children.
but should you move out, could it b a different situation for you. u might not get back in . 
financially im fine, but i thought about my boys, why up root them. so i said no im not moving. its usually easier for men.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

When he walks through the door I don't even know where to begin. I feel that after all these years of being with him he should have more feelings for me and care what happens to me. I am so sorry that I let this get this far. Everybody says oh try and talk to him. No matter what I say it's my fault and never his. He is tired of me and blah blah blah but by the next day he's smiling at me. What the heck??????


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my hubby does the same thing. 
its like they dont want to acknowledge what they have done.
i give an example.
ok, hubby used to drink.( well stil does) but much improved since infidelity issue. but would not stop at a point like probably a woman would. i know my limit, men dont.
have to have that next pint.
n e way. this agression would overtake him, ****ty to most ppl around him, we have been together 13 years. i have had his issues for most of them , until the issue. 
but when he would come home, as a woman i would start, naggin, pissed of with his drinking, the more i nagged , more his aggression came out. says horrible nasty things. 

i dont do this now, it only fuels the fire. 

but i can guarantee that 100 % the next day, he wouldnt talk about what happened. i have cuddles in bed and a cuppa. 
and youd actually say to yourself, who is this person. 
but double header see. cannot see the wood for the trees.

men want an easy ride. they can bring up what you did 10 years ago. but the moment you do it and your mud.
my suggestion is, you tell yourself you cannot change him, you change yourself first, other things might fall into place, whether if outcome good or bad.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why not talk to him but instead of putting him on the defensive (where he feels the need to blame you) put a lot of thought into how you say what you say so that you convey how you are feeling.

I'm feeling as if there is no love left in our marriage, and I mean in both directions. There are a few times in my life that I have really needed you by my side and I felt alone and unsupported. It has made me grow to resent you. I feel, by the way that you easily snap at me, that you are annoyed by me or resent me as well. I think we are at a point where we have been together for so long that we take each other for granted and I think we are at a critical point in our marriage. I am having thoughts of leaving because I can't change this on my own and I'm not sure if you want to. It's not what I want. I want our family together and I want to feel loved and supported by you, but at this point I don't see that happening unless we both go to counseling and try to make our marriage stronger.

Something that will let him know you are serious. See if you get any positive response and go from there. If he tries to push blame as to why you are where you are, just listen, don't argue his points but repeat that you feel you've been going in circles with these issues and either counseling will help you both work through them or it won't.

Just an idea.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

He doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, but still a nasty person. I hate who he is, but inside I still have that spark. Is it a big spark NO because of who he has become. 
He just came home now keep in mind we have been fighting and I wrote him a letter this morning putting it on the line and he walks through the door and says hey you want to take a ride with me I have to go to the dentist. Not anyting about the letter, nothing with nothing. Just totally blew me off!!!!!! Didn't call all day to say a word. Is he in his own world and that clueless that his marriage could be over?


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

That would be a great idea, but I lose my patience because I feel like I am talking to myself. I wrote the letter not blaming and telling him more than once I am no angel but the things he says brings out the devil in me. No response


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

probably...if he's always been like this as far as avoiding resolving things after an argument he probably thinks it's just another thing that will blow over if he ignores it since that has worked in the past.

Clue him in or you will keep going in circles.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He's probably thinking in the letter that you are upset with him, but also taking some blame so same old same old it will blow over. I don't think he really knows where you are at right now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Losing your patience will most likely cause him to shut down/go on the defense so don't have the conversation with the end result of wanting him to respond to you in an understanding way...you kinda know it's not gonna happen before you start talking...You want him to get the message that you are serious...only way to do it is to stay calm and remember the purpose for you speaking is for him to hear what you have to say. Don't focus on his response if it is negative. Focus on what you need to get from him...do you want to go to counseling, get a divorce, separate, etc. and none of the above is not a choice.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

He just got home and I usually get home from work at 5:00 and it was 3:00. Never said why are you home early, nothing about the letter. His only words to me were "DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A RIDE TO THE DENTIST WITH ME". Do you see what I mean when I say he doesn't have a clue and doesn't care.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i know this sounds daft, think and act like a man, act like him.
then you wil get to understand him. 
it does work.
they have a totally diffrent concept of thinking to us.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Think and act like a man. They don't think that's the problem. I spend so much time in my day and evening trying to think of ways to make him understand. I don't think my life with him will ever be filled with happiness and that's the bottom line.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

you dont realise what youve said. exactly they dont think. so you dont think. just try it for a day. just be nice. talk about weather, simple things. dont row. think mundane issues. ask him how he day was. those type of things. 
i do this with my hubby, after a few days my female brain kicks in. because issues like money, kids etc need to be discussed. but by then i find i can do it rationally, rather than gettin myself in a lather. 
your right, but he wont understand. hes a man.
but really if you dont think your life with him could be filled with happiness. then your relationship is in a different level. 
then its not really , or its more than his lack of understanding.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Perfect example of what frustrates me the most. He is in his own business and it's not doing well. He works for a guy that isn't giving him alot of work and I have been telling him to just look elsewhere. It's summer time the busiest season don't wait till winter and try to get in other places. Well this morning I was telling him about this place looking for help and explaining what he has to do and he was fine with it as long as I was handling it. Well I told him to get in the car and go to the place where I called and speak to the guy in person, well all of a sudden he didn't think it was a good idea anymore. He's like a child and I can't stand it. This week was a total waste of his time. out of 3 jobs he completed one because of ridiculous problems and he doesn't speak up but it's okay for his family to suffer. I feel that as long as he doesn't have to deal with his life in general and I just do it all he's fine. I can't do it anymore I have become tired. I want him to take his part now and I feel it's too late.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

then it does not seem that he wants to take part. reading your mail, its like you say , looking after a child. u seem to b doing alot of the work, trying to keep things up and afloat and like you say, you are tired. 
yes it does get tiring when your battling your husband for just some common ground.
again from what you say, he seems to lack commitment, or direction. 
you help by throwing the ideas, your just doing your best.
but then to me its the women that is the forewoman in the family.
i think with you its just a case of time, how long these issues will continue for and for how long you want to keep saving yourself. 
you wil probably come to a point where enough is enough. 
you wil distance yourself . maybe then he can see what he is losing.
if he cares enough you can work it through. 
but have you not suggested a trial separation.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

Yesterday I started looking for an apartment. One day he said he would move out of the house so my daughter can stay here and today he is not leaving I have to leave. I need to stay in my daughters school district, I don't want to pull her out it will be hard enough seperating never mind a new school


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## brenda (Jun 27, 2008)

When it comes to your daughter you need to keep in mind that she is learning how to have a relationship by watching you and your husband interact. Make sure you handle your life the same way you would want her to. Perhaps you should make an appointment to speak with someone, and ask your husband to join you. Go for a little while on your own, and let him know when and where the appointments are. He may not ever join you, but maybe after a few weeks of letting him know your going he might, if he knows this is the last straw he might come around. I think that he avoids talking to you about the problem because he doesn't want to deal with it, not becasue he doesn't care. Make him deal with it. Talk to someone, and if after a while he never joins you, tell him you need to move on. You need to give your daughter a good role model. Arguing with each other, moving out and back in together, living together but not loving each other ???? I wouldn't want my kids living like that, so don't let them think it's alright, try to make a change with or without him. That is what's best for children, a healthy environment.


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## slickplant35 (Jun 22, 2008)

I truly don't know if I want to save the marriage, that is something I have to think about. He has so many things that he does and it never changes. I have been doing alot of research on line and I think he has passive aggressive disorder. He fits everything with it. It's so sad but I don't feel bad for him. I have spoon fed him for so many years always with a fight. I will never understand him. He will call me about his work with whatever it is and I will make a suggestion and he will blow up at me and do what he does best yell and scream don't tell him what to do, don't control me I'm not doing that and then maybe one hour or 2 days later he is doing what I suggested. It makes me so mad that I have to go through the yelling and most of the time name calling and then he does what I said to anyway. What the heck is that????? As far as moving my daughter all over and in and out I will never do that. I love her and don't want to make her miserable. I rode around yesterday and looked in newspapers but of course it's either a dump or can't afford. I have 3 little dogs I want to take with me so I have to be patient. I don't want to leave my dogs.


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