# Is This A Sex Problem - or Something Else?



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Hello there - I am new. This is my first post...

My H and I have been married 18 years. Two kids.

When we were first together - we would experiment in the bedroom. And while some of it was pretty good...a lot of it was not so great for me. H is not particularly gentle. I would end up bruised, or develop a urinary tract infection, or something like that.

After our second child - my body is just not the way it used to be...and now a lot of different positions actually hurt.

H is very unhappy about this. He has made it clear that "regular" sex is just not good enough for him. But worse - he makes it seem like he is doing me a big favor by not complaining out loud every time we have sex.

I have been honest with him - those positions he wants HURT. And I don't think it's fair for one partner to have to be injured in order to satisfy the other one...

But now - it's gone beyond that.

I feel "less than"...

His complaints make me feel as though I am not enough for him.

This hurts a lot. What if something had happened that meant I could not have sex at all? Would I have ruined his life?

And does he really think that this kind of berating is going to make me feel adventurous and aroused?

For the record, H is not the same (physically) as when we were first married. He has put on a lot of weight. For my part, I just keep looking at him through rose-colored glasses and still see the good-looking guy I fell in love with...

but H told me has has turned to food because his sex life is not satisfying. So it's my fault that he is fat...

or alternatively

if he found someone better in bed, all that weight would magically melt away, and he'd be fit and trim and healthy again.

Is this really a sex problem?

Am I really being unreasonable by not wanting to do some of the things that make me uncomfortable? 

Is it unreasonable to expect someone to put up with "plain" sex ?

Any opinions or advice would be welcome...


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Be prepared for a wide range of answers on this topic as you have several things going on at once.

These are just my opinion (as is everything else on this forum from all the other posters so take everything we say with a grain of salt, we aren't professional counselors)

1) Does he understand how his words affect you? I never understood how someone could think that berating someone is somehow going to make them feel better about the situation.
2) He's gaining weight and making himself unattractive and this is helping how?
3) Unless he married you because you promised wild and crazy sex then I think he's being selfish to not consider alternatives to the positions you can't do anymore. Tell him it really gets you off to punch him in the nuts mid orgasm and see how long he puts up with that for your sake.
4) He doesn't sound very sensitive to your needs and is only focused on what he wants. I don't get how anyone can enjoy sex knowing it hurts the other person.

But, that's just one man's opinion.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like abuse to me - physical, sexual and emotional. Your husband needs help, and you should leave before he seriously harms you.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Look at it like food. A diet of rice cakes and supplement shakes may be perfectly adequate for the sake of nutrition. But, it's not going to get anybody excited at dinner time.

Your husband sounds highly sexed, so he wants things that excite him. Now, if he wants to do something that you're not crazy about and it's slightly uncomfortable, maybe you should occasionally give on that. After all, people like to occasionally eat something that they know will hurt them later because it just tastes so good.

However, if your husband wants something that really is painful or humiliating to you, you should be able to declare that off limits. Offer a compromise and see what he says.

Good luck.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You are his mirror. He is treating you the way he actually feels about himself. 

YOU did not make him eat food and gain weight due to his sexual issues. He turned to food on his own. He has choices just as everyone else does. 

He is projecting how he feels off onto you, thats not good, because clearly he doesn't feel good about himself. He sounds selfish. You have told him certain things hurt, and now he wants to lay on the guilt trip. 

Have you stopped having sex with him altogether, or are you trying to avoid doing the things that hurt you?


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How are things in other areas of the marriage outside of the bedroom?


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Thanks so much for the speedy replies:

Otter--

LOL! I really liked suggestion #3...

Hope--

I'm not sure he's an "abuser" - but yes, he is hurting my self esteem.

PHTlump--

I like the meal analogy....that's an interesting way to think about the situation.

CallaLily--

Hmmm...Good insight. He DOES have some self-esteem issues. And no - we have not stopped having sex altogether. I just want to limit the positions - not the sex.

Jamison--

Originally, I thought things outside the bedroom were pretty good....until I really began to think about it. And I realized today...that I get blamed for an awful lot of stuff. 

So I guess that somewhere along the way - it became OK with me to be blamed for problems. And that's where I wonder...is the sex thing spilling over into other areas? Or have the other areas spilled over into the bedroom?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Your H is a selfish brute. To expect another human being to suffer physical pain/emotional pain to satisfy their own needs is animalistic.

"regular sex is not enough for him" - what is it, exactly, that you two are doing???

Has he been like this your entire marriage? If so, why have you put up with this for so long?

This is an abusive relationship - on many levels.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Flower25 said:


> Jamison--
> 
> Originally, I thought things outside the bedroom were pretty good....until I really began to think about it. And I realized today...that I get blamed for an awful lot of stuff.
> 
> So I guess that somewhere along the way - it became OK with me to be blamed for problems. And that's where I wonder...is the sex thing spilling over into other areas? Or have the other areas spilled over into the bedroom?



I think these kinds of things definitely start outside of the bedroom and spill over into the bedroom. Living with a blamer is no fun. Its easy for people to blame than to take responsibility for their own actions/words, and yes, after you have been blamed enough for things your self esteem usually becomes shot. 

Unfortunately, unless he sees the light and sees how his words are affecting you this might continue on, if you stay in it. I'm not suggesting you leave, I'm just saying you can't change him. 

You need to have a talk with him. Tell him his his words and actions are hurting you. Make it clear, that his own unhappiness is being put off on you and that you do not appreciate it. If you feel you have made things clear to him and it still falls on deaf ears and he still says and acts the way he has, THEN you may want to consider other options. Its really all in what you will and will not put up with.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you have an obligation to discuss your pain issues with your doc so you can rule out anything medical which might easily be corrected.

After that, you have the right to not want to do certain things sexually. He has the right not to like it, and he has the right to decide if it is a deal breaker for him.

He does not have the right to emotionally abuse you for either a medical condition or a sexual preference.


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

I think I should clarify a little:

Firstly, after childbearing - things are never quite what they used to be. Minor scar tissue - organs shifted a tad here and there - swollen veins that weren't there before. Pretty normal stuff.

Sex does not hurt...

until we try doing things that press on the anus, or give him an entry angle that does NOT match up with anything going on with me, or requires a lot of stretching and pulling. So, IOW - anal sex is out. Doggie-style is pretty well out. OUCH!

So to make up for this - he would now like to move my legs in directions they do not go....do weird 'off the side of the bed' stuff...

all accompanied by a lot of complaining.

And I'm left thinking....this just can't be right. 

I mean - I've never seen this in any romantic movie: the guy whining and complaining while he tries to see if he can dislocate the woman's hips...


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

What does he say when he complains?


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Jamison said:


> What does he say when he complains?


"Oh come ON!"

"I wanna do something different..."

_Ow! Hon, that HURTS!_

"Well, but just give me a minute..."

"Oh come ON!!!"

"Why can't you ever just let me try something...?"

_Honey, I don't bend that way..._

"OK - well then you need to do [insert suggestion here]..."




Ya know....not exactly the sweet-nothings I'd like to hear.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Flower25 said:


> And I'm left thinking....this just can't be right.
> 
> I mean - I've never seen this in any romantic movie: the guy whining and complaining while he tries to see if he can dislocate the woman's hips...


The good news is that doesn't sound like abuse. It's likely some insensitivity with some boredom on the side and a dash of unrealistic expectations.

You both need to know that real life isn't like the movies. You're right that movie men don't complain. But, your husband may be thinking the same thing. When have you ever seen a love scene where the woman kept saying, "Hey, quit it!"

I suggest you get in the bedroom, work up your husband, and then insist that you each try to come up with something new together. If doggy is out, try on your side. Get a book on sexual positions and start working through the book until you get to one that's enjoyable for both of you.

If you want to blow his mind, get a dildo and experiment by yourself and the next time you're alone, show him what works for you.

Good luck.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Flower ~

Your husband is responsible for his own shortcomings - his own actions and reactions. He is responsible for his own weight gain. He is responsible for his own happiness. You are not.

But you are responsible for YOUR own actions and reactions. And you are responsible for your own happiness. So, do not let him beat you down with his negativity. His negativity is HIS baggage to own and handle.

You might want to consider picking up a book like the following for yourself and contemplate all of that a bit more. You can empower yourself. 

Amazon.com: The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem (0824297245698): Sue Patton Thoele: Books

As well, do you feel that your husband is trying all of these gyrations because HE is the one having the physical issues? How overweight is he? Sometimes weight gain can cause certain positions to be very difficult for the person who is overweight.

One of the best positions can be spooning (laying on your sides facing the same direction, he behind you) and have him enter from behind where you can angle your body in any position for comfort. Another is to do basic missionary but use pillows to lift your hips up to the right angle that is comfortable for you.

Best wishes.


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

> You both need to know that real life isn't like the movies. You're right that movie men don't complain. But, your husband may be thinking the same thing. When have you ever seen a love scene where the woman kept saying, "Hey, quit it!"


LOL! That's for sure...along with some others:

"You're on my hair!"
"Oooohhh - Too close to the headboard!" or
"Can't....Breathe...!"



PHTlump said:


> The good news is that doesn't sound like abuse. It's likely some insensitivity with some boredom on the side and a dash of unrealistic expectations.


I think you are spot on. He's not an abuser - but yes, can be insensitive...and say some things that really hurt my feelings. (Like that comment about how the over-eating is my fault due to an unsatisfying sex life...)


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Candie--

I will agree with you on the "brute" discription. He is a bit of a Paul Bunyon / Bull in a China Shop....a little rough on the fine china. Yes - perhaps a bit selfish. 

Thor--

That's why I started this thread....I'm trying to decide whether living with someone who feels that I am no longer satisfying in bed, is a deal-breaker for me.

Michzz--

Yes - that is my feeling, too.

Enchantment--

You may have hit the nail on the head. I wonder how much the weight gain is driving the problem? Hmmm... He already insists on doing that pillow thing quite a bit...

Thank you for the book recommendation.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He sounds like Dwight Hansen, the Robert De Niro character in "This Boy's Life". That's not a good thing.


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> He sounds like Dwight Hansen, the Robert De Niro character in "This Boy's Life". That's not a good thing.


I never saw that movie...

Is that the one where Deniro slaps the sh*t out of his wife because she won't do what he wants in bed? If so - then I must disagree with you...


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

His characters do that a lot. Dwight Hansen is the guy who always shouts "My house my rules!" and will only have sex doggy style.


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> His characters do that a lot. Dwight Hansen is the guy who always shouts "My house my rules!" and will only have sex doggy style.


Yeah....never saw it.

But that's not my H anyway...


----------



## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

UPDATE:

I think we are on the road to fixing this...

H and I sat down and talked about our relationship in general (not the sex part) - and we realized that we've gotten into some bad habits in how we treat each other throughout the day...which makes it real hard to then be romantic later...

and we've decided we are going to work very hard on eliminating the negativity from our conversations.

And though we never talked about sex specifically - I've noticed that things are already starting to get better in the bedroom. 

So it seems that it is a matter of treating one another with more respect....and that attitude (whether positive or negative) then carries over into the bedroom.

So I think we will be OK!

:smthumbup:


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Flower25 said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> I think we are on the road to fixing this...
> 
> ...


Great to hear it. I know it's only been a short while, but a couple of questions: what bad habits about treating each other during the day and did you both acknowledge it equally? And what negativity did you feel you should eliminate and have you been successful so far? 
As you might guess, I relate to those bits of what you've posted!


----------

