# How often are you happy for your Mrs to go out with friends?



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

All my Mrs seems to want to do these days is go on the piss with her mates. Shes got some newly single friends who are always out and are always badgering her to go out.

At the moment, she probably goes out about once every two weeks. Her friends annoy me with their attitude and expecting her to act like a single person.

What do you all reckon? Or am I just being uptight and need to chill a bit and give her some slack?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> At the moment, she probably goes out about once every two weeks.


Unless you think there is something afoot, I think you need to cut her some slack. This certainly doesn't seem to be an inordinate amount of time to go out with friends.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Nah. Pretty sure theres nothing else going on.

Thanks for adding some perspective...


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't think twice a month is excessive. Although her attitude and how she is behaving may be what you are having trouble with.

I have a standing girls night out once a month. But we are all married with children/families and we really cherish this one night!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

OK. So maybe I am being a bit uptight....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Thanks for the advice....


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## women R complicated (Dec 20, 2008)

hey phsyco. 
I don't think you are off base here. 
the key you said is That her friends really irritate you and that they are single. 
you have a 2 part concern. 1. i agree with the others that the time per month is not a concern to go out. 
2. however, they are single. what do they have in common? This really becomes a matter of trust on your part with your wife. If they go out to blow off steam and just talk about life then i could be cool with that. But if are going out to talk and trash men or pick up men or flirt then that is planting a negative seed in your wifes mind. which eventually if watered long enough can take root.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I thought about the issues that Women R Complicated brought up also...which was why I mentioned her attitude/behavior may be the problem and not the number of times per month she is going out.

I have a couple life-long friends who are single and I still enjoy going out and spending time with them. We are in different stages in life...yes. Sometimes we do "their" stuff (more singles scene), and sometimes we do "my" stuff (more kid/family oriented). But my husband knows these ladies and has spent time with them. Not that they don't annoy him at times with their behavior and antics, but he knows I'm not on the singles circuit, as they are. I come home to him, I don't stay out all night. Heck...staying out till 10pm is a VERY late night for me!

It comes down to trust and respect in the relationship. If my H and I were having problems, and my going out with single friends was really hurting him or affecting his trust in me, I would have to re-evaluate my actions.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There is a certain amount that people want to be independent and it depends on the structure of the family. If she is a stay at home than she would and needs more time away with people her age to be around. even once a week if she regularly works isn't to much to ask, but it depends on her behavior and if there have been trust issues before to think about. The two of you showld also have a date night as well.

draconis


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I thought about this too, but since he said he didn't think anything was amiss, I wrote it off...


Like I said, AFAIK theres nothing else going on. Who knows for certain though?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> I thought about the issues that Women R Complicated brought up also...which was why I mentioned her attitude/behavior may be the problem and not the number of times per month she is going out.
> 
> I have a couple life-long friends who are single and I still enjoy going out and spending time with them. We are in different stages in life...yes. Sometimes we do "their" stuff (more singles scene), and sometimes we do "my" stuff (more kid/family oriented). But my husband knows these ladies and has spent time with them. Not that they don't annoy him at times with their behavior and antics, but he knows I'm not on the singles circuit, as they are. I come home to him, I don't stay out all night. Heck...staying out till 10pm is a VERY late night for me!
> 
> It comes down to trust and respect in the relationship. If my H and I were having problems, and my going out with single friends was really hurting him or affecting his trust in me, I would have to re-evaluate my actions.


I do trust her. Theres absolutely nothing to point that shes not just going out to chill out.

Thing is if I get funny about her going out with single friends then I look the bad one for not trusting her, dont I?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

draconis said:


> There is a certain amount that people want to be independent and it depends on the structure of the family. If she is a stay at home than she would and needs more time away with people her age to be around. even once a week if she regularly works isn't to much to ask, but it depends on her behavior and if there have been trust issues before to think about. The two of you showld also have a date night as well.
> 
> draconis


Our son is 5 years old now. She feels that shes just getting a chance now to have a social life back.

Shes lost a lot of weight recently as well, whereas before she didnt feel like going out. Also, her Dad dies 5-6 years ago and that hit her hard so she didnt go out for a bit.

I guess a lot of it is that I'm so used to have her stay in all the time. It takes a bit of getting used to now that she likes to go out....


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I have a very jealous husband who hates it when I go anywhere without him. We are working through a lot of issues in therapy and I am starting to branch out and get out more. With 3 kids at home, the youngest 6, I am finally at a point where I can get out and get away and enjoy myself. I love the freedom of a night of not having to put the kids to bed, make sure teeth are brushed, or answer to my spouse. It's a very carefree wonderful feeling, and not in any way to do with wanting to find other men or cheat... just such a freeing feeling to get away and not be responsible for anyone but myself for awhile!! Working full time and raising 3 kids takes a lot out and some "me" time is just what I need once in awhile!! I don't think the time out is excessive, given she probably spends just about every other moment taking care of the family, working, giving herself to others. If you don't suspect anything is going on, I tend to think it's all good.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Junebug said:


> I have a very jealous husband who hates it when I go anywhere without him. We are working through a lot of issues in therapy and I am starting to branch out and get out more. With 3 kids at home, the youngest 6, I am finally at a point where I can get out and get away and enjoy myself. I love the freedom of a night of not having to put the kids to bed, make sure teeth are brushed, or answer to my spouse. It's a very carefree wonderful feeling, and not in any way to do with wanting to find other men or cheat... just such a freeing feeling to get away and not be responsible for anyone but myself for awhile!! Working full time and raising 3 kids takes a lot out and some "me" time is just what I need once in awhile!! I don't think the time out is excessive, given she probably spends just about every other moment taking care of the family, working, giving herself to others. If you don't suspect anything is going on, I tend to think it's all good.


Do you know what? Thats sort of exactly how my wife has tried to describe it to me. 

Thanks for the input...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You mentioned substantial weight loss, have you noticed more attention from other men due to this? Has she gotten more attention in general? Do you give her attention? Pay her compliments? When she goes out with her friends, where do they go? It is always helpful to know the entire situation before coming to a conclusion of any kind.


I expect she has had more attention - I guess its only natural.

Yes, I give her attention and pay her lots of compliments.

When she goes out they go to pub sometimes a club. Not sure why that matters though.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I was looking at it from the standpoint of if she's going to a place where mostly singles hang out, then she might be better suited having girl's nights out at places where she's not going to have men wondering if she's available or wondering if she's looking. I used to go to clubs with girlfriends and on one occasion, I actually had a stranger (knowing I was married) telling me he wanted to **** me. He actually used the f word! Yep, that blunt. I would be there simply to hang out with friends, but a lot of the men in those places didn't care if I was married or not. IMO, women can be very naive about men's intentions.
> 
> I'm not suggesting one way or the other. That decision has to be made between the two of you. Her thoughts are most likely very innocent. The other men there, well, that could be another story.
> 
> You don't need to be forbidding her because she's a grown woman. She probably desperately needs the "me" time. Once every two weeks isn't excessive, but if any of the above issues become a problem for her, she may want to limit those nights to dinner and a movie.


Not sure where you're from, but here in the part of UK where I live, its pretty much unavoidable not to bump into loads of men looking for 'action'. Pretty much every pub/club on a Friday/Saturday night.

She doesnt go to singles places just mainstream I suppose. She says she just goes for a laugh with her friends, to chill out, and ahve a dance with her friends...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You appeared to be waivering when I read this quote.
> 
> I was attempting to gain more insight on your concerns. I was answering your question as to why you wanted to know why I asked about where she goes. If where she goes is not a problem, then disregard it.


Mommy22,

Sorry if I came across as a bit abrupt in my reply. I didnt mean to be.

I can see where you're coming from with regards to location. Like I said though, not sure where you are from, but where I live the city centre seems full of men either fighting with each other or on the search for women !!!!

Wavering - no, honestly, I've no evidence at all. I was just being a bit negative and paranoid. :-(


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

twice a month isn't bad its good to unwind with friends and have a good girly chat !!

And you also need to go out as a couple , and just enjoy being together .


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I don't think your wife is being unreasonable by expecting to keep old friendships. However I think you should work on developing relationships with other couples together.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> twice a month isn't bad its good to unwind with friends and have a good girly chat !!
> 
> And you also need to go out as a couple , and just enjoy being together .


LOL. I think its the need for girly chats that I dont understand !!!!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

My reply in your other thread could be used for this too...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/men-s-...f-visit-ex-boyfriend-wife-who-swingers-2.html


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

LOL !! well i dont think men are meant to understand the need for girly chats  !!! 

but ive been married for 19 years and i go out once a week with my girlfriends for our girly chats !!! 

I talk to my hubbie about most things but its good to get a friends point of view to 

do you go out with you friends ?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> LOL !! well i dont think men are meant to understand the need for girly chats  !!!
> 
> but ive been married for 19 years and i go out once a week with my girlfriends for our girly chats !!!
> 
> ...


Once a week. For like the whole evening?

Yeh. I do go out with friends occasionally. Probably about once a month...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes once a week from around 7.30 till 11 !! lol we just chat and relax we have laugh !
it doesnt mean i dont love my husband any less i enjoy his company to when we go out.
my husband goes football and out with his mates once or twice a week its not a issue at all .


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

My wife goes out and does usually stay at a friends house. Her friend lives about 10 miles from us so its awkward for them to get separate taxis. (and I dont like her getting a taxi alone anyway)

With our son in bed, of course, it'd be awkward for me to go and pick them up.

A few of them stay over in one friends house. I think she enjoys the night away with the girls too (and the no hassle from a 5 yr old at 7am with a hangover!).

Worries me that she stays out, but I guess it makes sense...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I wish my wife had friends she would go out with, she never goes out, just the way she was raised.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I dont think you have any thing to be worrid about , i to have stayed overnight at friends as long as it doesnt stop you both going out together ...
if i could choose going out with my my husband would always come fist especially if it was a night away from the children to !!lol


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> I dont think you have any thing to be worrid about , i to have stayed overnight at friends as long as it doesnt stop you both going out together ...
> if i could choose going out with my my husband would always come fist especially if it was a night away from the children to !!lol


Yeh. Trouble is due to babysitting issues we dont tend to go out together a great deal - but thats another story....


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Yes getting good babysitting is hard , but try to get out once a month so you can talk and be together, We tend to forget about ourselves once children are born because natrually they have to come first and always should.
But we all still crave excitment and attension, Its really nice to arrange a meal out just the two of you and remember just why you fell in love and got married , day to day life makes you forget to say i love you , or hows your day been ...so id say make time at least once a month .


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Just out of interest, would you consider there to be a max no of times a week or month that it'd be acceptable for a partner to go out on their own?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

When it starts having a reasonable effect on the relationship, or other aspects of life (parenting, work, other obligations, etc.)

There is no set number for something like this. If the couple is younger with no kids, I could see it being a lot because there isn't as much else going on that it still leaves plenty of time for together. 

To me, it's not only how often. It's when, for how long, where they are going, and any effects it is having. I would be much more upset if my wife went out with her friends one time in a month that happened on a Tuesday night and got absolutely hammered, stumbled home, didn't remember what she did, overslept, and then missed work or couldn't take care of the kids rather than she went out once a week, just simply had some fun with whatever they were doing without if effecting anything else.

Also, it's less about how much time she spends with them that would worry me. It's about how much time we are spending together and how well we are doing in our relationship.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It would depend on what was happening for instance ive just had a run off friends birthdays so i went out more .my partner loves football so if there is a game midweek he goes .we always make time for a day out together every 2 weeks .but i think going out once a weeks pretty ok i have been out more then that as i said it depends on whats happening.
max id say 7/8 times i wouldnt do that i love being with my children and husband.
x TRUST X


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> It would depend on what was happening for instance ive just had a run off friends birthdays so i went out more .my partner loves football so if there is a game midweek he goes .we always make time for a day out together every 2 weeks .but i think going out once a weeks pretty ok i have been out more then that as i said it depends on whats happening.
> max id say 7/8 times i wouldnt do that i love being with my children and husband.
> x TRUST X


Thats 7/8 times a month, yeh? LOL.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ha ha yes month !!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> ha ha yes month !!


Humpty,

Thats like twice a week nearly then or every Friday/Saturday !!!!

Hmm. Wife doesnt go out that much but she is off out Fri/Sat this week (prob for first time since I can remember) but its stressing me. Its like I feel this is the start of a slippery slope.

I need to chill dont I? 

Thanks anyway - you're now my official relationship counseller (unpaid)

:lol:

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

glad to help.
Best thing to do is not to worry about the time your apart and to make the time your together awesome !!


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I understand that babysitters can be an issue- we have 3 little ones, and when they were younger once in awhile we would feed them and put them to bed, then start dinner for us. By the time we got dinner ready for the 2 of us the kids were asleep and it was us time. You don't need to go out for together time- you just need to make it happen. We would have our late dinner, a drink or 2 since neither had to drive, watch a movie with every pillow in the house surrounding us on the floor. You just have to make it work. We even had picnics in the living room for just the 2 of us. Find ways to make it work!!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Junebug said:


> I understand that babysitters can be an issue- we have 3 little ones, and when they were younger once in awhile we would feed them and put them to bed, then start dinner for us. By the time we got dinner ready for the 2 of us the kids were asleep and it was us time. You don't need to go out for together time- you just need to make it happen. We would have our late dinner, a drink or 2 since neither had to drive, watch a movie with every pillow in the house surrounding us on the floor. You just have to make it work. We even had picnics in the living room for just the 2 of us. Find ways to make it work!!


June,

Yeh. We do that sort of thing. Its not as if we spend no time together its just we;re limited to time we spend ' out' with just the two of us...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

I'm still stressed about this. Its just nuts (or I am).

Despite all the good advice here, I still get stressed about this. Its as if my brain is telling me that a married person shouldnt go alone so much - weird or what?

Anyway, last Friday she went out (and stayed up her friends house), and last Saturday she went up her house (and stayed there). This week shes going up again Friday for a takeaway (and probably taking our son too, and staying) and also plans to go out Saturday (and probably stay there).

Its her birthday monday so thats the excuse !!! I just cant help getting the idea in my head that from now on shes planning to do this two nights every weekend !


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well if shes taking your son i cant for one minute think the evening will be wild !!
your not nuts you are just finding it hard to cope with the amount of time she wants to go out.
can you compromise and see if one of her new friends can babysit.
Its her birthday what are you doing?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

We're off out as a family to TGI Fridays on Sunday...


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

thats great make sure the resturant know its her birthday, they kinda get totally crazy and sing happy birthday to her.
and get the little ones to bed early and enjoy some alone time together. you really need to start to look for the positive things you have together, you have to trust her until you have cause not to.and its not a cause because she wants to have a laugh with her girl friends.work at making the time you have together wonderful, small things like leaving a love note for her, getting in a baby sitter and whisking her out for the night .just holding her and telling her how much she means to you... come you know you can do it


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Cheers again Humpty. xxxx


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## vader08 (Oct 4, 2010)

Even girlfriends have to be watched closely by husbands. Single women want to have fun, flirt, and meet interesting guys. A married woman can be strong enough to resist this, but eventually the best intentioned spouses can fall victim to attention. Fact is when we are in relationships for a long time attention from the opposite sex is intoxicating. It lifts us up, and makes us feel good about ourselves. I don't like my wife going out with her single friends. 1 in particular who calls me a **** for wanting to know where my wife and the mother of my daughter is at 2 am. If I'm watching the baby, and my wife has been out 8hrs when she was just going to a movie, and she is ****faced drunk when I call to make sure she is ok, and the friend is telling her I'm a **** for wanting my wife to come home then she is trouble. If that friend is telling her I will one day make her choose between her family and friends she is trouble. If that friend manipulates my wife, and makes her question how happy I truly make her then she is trouble. This 'friend' is a single 42 y/o who wants my wife as a wingman at the bars, and resents me because I am everything her younger f#ck buddy who dates every woman but her isn't. Single friends have a tendency of interjecting themselves in a marriage and planting seeds that grow over time. I have never not liked any of my wife's friends and have never told her she couldn't go out with her friends, but this friend is a cancer and a drama queen who has been dumped by her friends in the past for being needy. Single friends need to be watched to make sure they respect the sanctity of marriage. Married friends are great.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hmmm...

This thread is pushing 2 years old. PCandy hasn't posted in over 2 months. I wonder how it's going. That was some pretty bad advice he was getting in this thread. Looking at some subsequent posts, looks like she was looking for attention from men after all. I wonder if she found any. It just amazes me that nobody "gets" why a woman would hang out at meat markets until 2:00 AM so often. Once every few months is looking for a little fun. 2 or more times a month is a serious problem. I can't imagine there would be ANY exceptions, let alone a rare one.

Why never dinner? Coffee? Movie? Lunch? And spending the night with these friends after a night of tramping at meat markets? What were these people thinking giving him bad advice like that?

You don't go to a liquor store to buy milk. You don't go to a sporting goods store to buy furniture. And you don't go to a meat market to chat innocently with your friends.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Our son is 5 years old now. She feels that shes just getting a chance now to have a social life back.
> 
> Shes lost a lot of weight recently as well, whereas before she didnt feel like going out. Also, her Dad dies 5-6 years ago and that hit her hard so she didnt go out for a bit.
> 
> I guess a lot of it is that I'm so used to have her stay in all the time. It takes a bit of getting used to now that she likes to go out....


The weight loss is a bit of a bad sign.

I've known female friends who get drunk on the attention associated with their "new selves" and start doing things they should not.

Do you go out with your friends?


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