# My husband won't sleep in our bed.



## annabel

Hello Everyone. 
I am a married mother of three, in my 30's, have been with my husband since I was 19 years old. We have had our share of ups and downs, as every married couple does, but have a lot of unhealthy communication issues, and just issues in general. (who doesn't?)
One big problem for me is that my husband won't sleep in our room, in our bed with me. He sleeps on the couch. He has done this off and on for our entire relationship but now for about three years solid he has not slept with me. It really bothers me, I have expressed my feelings, and although he feels badly, it isn't enough for him to change this. I have seen arguments for both sides, but I happen to believe that it is not good for our marriage to be sleeping apart. Often times I end up with one or two of our children in my bed, and frankly, it is just nice to have the company. 
He feels more comfortable out in the living room, he says. He feels that things are safer in the house if he is sleeping in the living room, he says. We have an alarm system, which I have pointed out that he could use at night. The thing is, no matter what I say about it - - - and I would like to insert here that I don't bring it up very often as it goes nowhere - - - he makes no move to change it. 
I am not sure what to do or how to proceed. Do I just suck it up as I have been doing and live with it? Do I press the issue and ask for a reasonable amount of change? (ie: at least spend 2 or 3 nights with me in our room) I would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.


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## dallasapple

annabel said:


> Hello Everyone.
> I am a married mother of three, in my 30's, have been with my husband since I was 19 years old. We have had our share of ups and downs, as every married couple does, but have a lot of unhealthy communication issues, and just issues in general. (who doesn't?)
> One big problem for me is that my husband won't sleep in our room, in our bed with me. He sleeps on the couch. He has done this off and on for our entire relationship but now for about three years solid he has not slept with me. It really bothers me, I have expressed my feelings, and although he feels badly, it isn't enough for him to change this. I have seen arguments for both sides, but I happen to believe that it is not good for our marriage to be sleeping apart. Often times I end up with one or two of our children in my bed, and frankly, it is just nice to have the company.
> He feels more comfortable out in the living room, he says. He feels that things are safer in the house if he is sleeping in the living room, he says. We have an alarm system, which I have pointed out that he could use at night. The thing is, no matter what I say about it - - - and I would like to insert here that I don't bring it up very often as it goes nowhere - - - he makes no move to change it.
> I am not sure what to do or how to proceed. Do I just suck it up as I have been doing and live with it? Do I press the issue and ask for a reasonable amount of change? (ie: at least spend 2 or 3 nights with me in our room) I would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.


Is everything else O.K in the relationship?Do ya'll have sexual issues specifically?..Snoring problems too ..sounds ridiculous but I was willing to sleep in the attic to get away from my husbands snoring..etc...

Other than that it just might be "personal" as in "him" and its better to accept it..


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## serenitycat

I lived separately with my exhusband for 2 1/2 years like that - in separate rooms. It isn't loving and it isn't right. If you are not happy, its not right. If you are not happy you need to change things.


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## annabel

dallasapple said:


> Is everything else O.K in the relationship?Do ya'll have sexual issues specifically?..Snoring problems too ..sounds ridiculous but I was willing to sleep in the attic to get away from my husbands snoring..etc...
> 
> Other than that it just might be "personal" as in "him" and its better to accept it..


Things are a little rough right now, we have been fighting a lot, but I don't see that those things relate specifically to this issue.

As for sexual problems, when we get to it, it is good. However, with three young kids and work and activities and people getting sick and being tired....we don't get to be intimate like that often enough. We are lucky if we do it once a week. 

At times I have suffered from night terrors, so he does use that as a reason, too. However, there are months that go by that I don't have any incidents, and he still stays away.


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## dallasapple

serenitycat said:


> I lived separately with my exhusband for 2 1/2 years like that - in separate rooms. It isn't loving and it isn't right. If you are not happy, its not right. If you are not happy you need to change things.


It may not have anything to do with "love"..

I could NOT stand sleeping with my husband when he had a HORRIBLE snoring problem..in fact if it had to do with "love" he was very unloving that I walked around sleep deprived for YEARS..Its like saying if you "love me" you will allow me to poke you with a stick all night long every night..for decades..if you wont allow me to do that "you are unloving"..because I sleep better with you in the bed with me..So you can be TORTURED so I get better sleep is not "loving" neither is it unloving to say no..BASIC HEALTH need..is SLEEP..not "company in bed"..


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## anotherguy

annabel said:


> Things are a little rough right now, we have been fighting a lot, but I don't see that those things relate specifically to this issue...


Really? OK... Ill accept it if you say so.

Has he always preferred to sleep alone? I know some people that simply sleep better on their own.

I am that way a little. I cant fall asleap if my wife is snoring. Its easier when I fall asleep first. The good news is that she typically comes to bed later than me. Or should I say ..always.


My point is.. is this a sleep thing or a relationship thing. Seems to me it may be both.


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## inarut

I understand your feelings. it would bother me too. Since talking about it hasnt gotton you anywhere maybe try asking him to please stay with you in bed one night. The next day tell him how great it was,that you felt safe (protected) how special it made you feel...whatever you really feel. Thank him, give him a hug/kiss. Encourage the behavior you want to see. Be pateint. Keep asking and praising. Just a thought.


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## dallasapple

annabel said:


> Things are a little rough right now, we have been fighting a lot, but I don't see that those things relate specifically to this issue.
> 
> As for sexual problems, when we get to it, it is good. However, with three young kids and work and activities and people getting sick and being tired....we don't get to be intimate like that often enough. We are lucky if we do it once a week.
> 
> At times I have suffered from night terrors, so he does use that as a reason, too. However, there are months that go by that I don't have any incidents, and he still stays away.


1) I would see those things (rough right now) relating to the issue..Lots of "types" cant sleep at night with those they are sure to fight with in the day..(I'm one of them)..

2) ..Make room for the bed being more about sex too.(not every night) . I'm not a believer in "duty sex" (I HATE that ) but bed being fun times..make a special night that's a given..KIDS go to bed and ..let the good times roll..

What do the night terrors involved?Depending that could be more frightening than you imagine..I had a cousin (and and aunt mother and daughter) that I was terrified to sleep next to them.(in the same room) after just a few episodes..

(((HUGS))))


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## annabel

anotherguy...
I say that because he has been sleeping on the couch for a long time, and our fighting has gotten more frequent in the last couple of months. Even when things are good, he is still sleeping in the living room. 
I have tried to ask him really nicely, sweetly, but I don't get anything back. It is just feeling to me like one of those situations where I just have to deal with it. (as I have been doing) On one hand, it is not a deal breaker, but on the other hand, I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping alone. I do feel it affects our romantic life, our sex life, all of that.


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## dallasapple

> Has he always preferred to sleep alone? I know some people that simply sleep better on their own.


THIS is true..could be as simple as that..Its not a good /bad/right /wrong / thing just is..I'm that way..Well more like I like a big enough bed that I can look across the room and distantly see my husband is there or not ! LOL!!! I LIKE to have my SPACE..But if he snores loud? I want a WHOLE seperate room..PLEASE stop teh CHAINSAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I don't like being "smushed up"..I did that with infants and when I nursed and the grandbaby but I looked forward (dealt) its temporary..I dont like being "smushed" I rarely let my spoild cats sleep with me now and it has to be at my FEET..and if they are in themy) way..MOVE!!

My husband likes to sleep in the same bed because its "abnormal" not to..I disagree..Normal is as normal does..


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## dallasapple

> I have tried to ask him really nicely, sweetly, but I don't get anything back. It is just feeling to me like one of those situations where I just have to deal with it. (as I have been doing) On one hand, it is not a deal breaker, but on the other hand, I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping alone. I do feel it affects our romantic life, our sex life, all of that.


You are addressing a symptom not the "problem".




> I say that because he has been sleeping on the couch for a long time, and our fighting has gotten more frequent in the last couple of months. Even when things are good, he is still sleeping in the living room.


Have you asked him what his complaints are or what he wants?sounds horrible but if he knows you want him in the bed at night could be passive aggressive or "revenge" that you have dismissed his needs..Sadly sometimes marriage is a pissing contest.What are his complaints about you ?


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## anotherguy

annabel said:


> anotherguy...
> I say that because he has been sleeping on the couch for a long time, and our fighting has gotten more frequent in the last couple of months. Even when things are good, he is still sleeping in the living room.
> I have tried to ask him really nicely, sweetly, but I don't get anything back. It is just feeling to me like one of those situations where I just have to deal with it. (as I have been doing) On one hand, it is not a deal breaker, but on the other hand, I don't want to spend the rest of my life sleeping alone. I do feel it affects our romantic life, our sex life, all of that.


Of course it does, to some extent. My wife falls asleep often in front of the TV.. but she is always in bed sometime during the night - probably why we have fallen into the habit of moring sex.

I agree you need to find a way to deal with this somehow, even if it is 'only' a sleep issue. I suppose you could try and crawl in with him but the more i think the more I feel like it is not going to work if you 2 are spending, basically 100% of your sleeptime apart.

I guarantee if it was me I would be up with morning wood crawling back to bed looking for some love and a final hour of sleep. None of that? 

You 2 are still pretty young, so thats got to be a little bit uncomfortable...not 'ideal' should we say. But he has done this the entire time you have known him, so you hardly seem surprised.


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## Drover

I took to doing that when the resentment of sexual rejection became too much. If you reject sexual advances even somewhat regularly that will do it.


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## annabel

I guess I have gotten used to it, on some level. I have thought about withholding sex, or saying if you want to have sex with me, you have to sleep in our bed that night. However, considering we don't even do it that often, it might not be that powerful of a threat.


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## dallasapple

annabel said:


> I guess I have gotten used to it, on some level. I have thought about withholding sex, or saying if you want to have sex with me, you have to sleep in our bed that night. However, considering we don't even do it that often, it might not be that powerful of a threat.


Is he turning you down for sexual fun?Or is he not instigating as much?


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## A Bit Much

Where do you have sex? Does he get up from the bed and leave to the couch after sex?

I would really hate that.


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## Drover

Have you tried going out there, and just lying on top of him on the couch? "If you're sleeping out here, I am too."


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## annabel

dallasapple said:


> Is he turning you down for sexual fun?Or is he not instigating as much?


It is a mutual problem. Often times, at the end of the day, we are both just too tired.


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## Vrs

You might ask him just to lay down with you until you fell asleep and then go sleep on the couch. Would he do that?

That way you'd have him there until you were asleep and he'd still have his couch. Who knows, he may even accidentally fall asleep there? :sleeping:


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## annabel

A Bit Much said:


> Where do you have sex? Does he get up from the bed and leave to the couch after sex?
> 
> I would really hate that.


Yeah...I mean, sometimes we both get up afterwards and go watch TV together. But the end result is that I am alone in my bed, even after sex.


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## annabel

Drover said:


> Have you tried going out there, and just lying on top of him on the couch? "If you're sleeping out here, I am too."


He has often suggested that I sleep out there, too, but it not big enough for two people. I can't fall asleep on the couch all smooshed.


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## annabel

Vrs said:


> You might ask him just to lay down with you until you fell asleep and then go sleep on the couch. Would he do that?
> 
> That way you'd have him there until you were asleep and he'd still have his couch. Who knows, he may even accidentally fall asleep there? :sleeping:


That is a good idea, but honestly, when we have tried that in the past, he won't stop talking or being goofy.


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## Drover

You realize millions of people do this anyway. Lots of couples have separate bedrooms and even claim it helps their sex life. My mom and stepdad sleep apart. My aunt & uncle do (although that's due to snoring). It's not uncommon.


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## Aunt Ava

I think it is a sign of a marriage that is struggling. 
You must have intimacy in a healthy marriage, do the two of you touch each other ....embrace, kiss (really kiss, not peck on the lips) and other non-sexual touches? 

Physical touch is a basic human need, going to bed together and spooning, cuddling will help rebuild your relationship. 

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Please do, take the questionnaire and discuss th results with each other. Stress to him how important it is to you that he come to bed with you....if he is truly unable to sleep after you have gone to sleep h can go to the couch...but he needs to make the effort to try. Explain to him how his refusal to do so makes you feel rejected and unloved. 

I would urge you to seek counseling.


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## A Bit Much

annabel said:


> Yeah...I mean, sometimes we both get up afterwards and go watch TV together. But the end result is that I am alone in my bed, even after sex.


No bueno.

I would start sleeping in the living room with him. If he asked what I was doing I would say 'lying with my husband like a wife should do.' If you started out sharing a bed something drastic had to occur for him to leave it. I get the snoring issue, or the night terrors, but if that's not every single night? Nope. Not having it.

And the kids in bed? Not having that either. I have 2 grown kids and made sure they slept and went back to their own beds overnight when they were little. Kids in bed kill sex IMO.


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## Drover

*Re: Re: My husband won't sleep in our bed.*



annabel said:


> He has often suggested that I sleep out there, too, but it not big enough for two people. I can't fall asleep on the couch all smooshed.


The point was to smoosh him so he couldn't sleep. Then maybe he'd come to bed.


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## annabel

Drover said:


> The point was to smoosh him so he couldn't sleep. Then maybe he'd come to bed.


Nice!! :smthumbup:


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## dallasapple

Drover said:


> The point was to smoosh him so he couldn't sleep. Then maybe he'd come to bed.


If you like to "smoosh" then "smoosh" where you cant tell where your ankle begins to his thigh begins and such..But you both have to "like that"...


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## dallasapple

annabel said:


> It is a mutual problem. Often times, at the end of the day, we are both just too tired.


Stop being so "tired" ..get something going..I bet he will be up for it..if not? His loss..


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## terrence4159

annabel now a days this is more and more common, ive been married 6 years now and i dont sleep in same bed with my wife. we have 2 different rooms..she snores and im a super light sleeper so if i sletp with her no sleep.


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## coffee4me

If there is no issue with snoring, I'd say it's a bad habit and he has gotten used to sleeping on the couch and now likes sleeping alone. 

Many years ago I fell into this same pattern, It was a habit but also I wasn't crazy about spending that pre-sleep time with my husband either. Like you said it was rocky, not terrible but rocky. So it was easier to put the distance there by not spending that time with him. He did the same things you suggest, he hinted made comments, enticed me to bed but then I would just get up at some point and return to the couch. I liked and got used to the isolation from him. I will say it was not good for our marriage. 

At some point (about 2 years later) he got fed up and just came out one night and said, "if you don't want to sleep in the same bed with me, I want a divorce." He had never said that to me before so it wasn't an empty threat. We did not discuss it after, I simply went in the room and slept in the bed with him from that night on. 

Sounds weird when I type it out but true.


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## dallasapple

People underestimate SLEEP...Its of vital importance!!


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## terrence4159

my wife sleeps with 2 of our 3 boxers the 3rd on sleeps with the son and i sleep with 2 .45 cal pistols


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## dallasapple

terrence4159 said:


> my wife sleeps with 2 of our 3 boxers the 3rd on sleeps with the son and i sleep with 2 .45 cal pistols



:rofl:


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## annabel

coffee4me said:


> If there is no issue with snoring, I'd say it's a bad habit and he has gotten used to sleeping on the couch and now likes sleeping alone.
> 
> Many years ago I fell into this same pattern, It was a habit but also I wasn't crazy about spending that pre-sleep time with my husband either. Like you said it was rocky, not terrible but rocky. So it was easier to put the distance there by not spending that time with him. He did the same things you suggest, he hinted made comments, enticed me to bed but then I would just get up at some point and return to the couch. I liked and got used to the isolation from him. I will say it was not good for our marriage.
> 
> At some point (about 2 years later) he got fed up and just came out one night and said, "if you don't want to sleep in the same bed with me, I want a divorce." He had never said that to me before so it wasn't an empty threat. We did not discuss it after, I simply went in the room and slept in the bed with him from that night on.
> 
> Sounds weird when I type it out but true.


Wow. I think my husband would freak out if I said something like that! I agree, though, I think it has just become something he is used to and feels he needs. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should suggest counseling if he can't bring himself to sleep with me in our room, in our bed.


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## dallasapple

annabel said:


> Wow. I think my husband would freak out if I said something like that! I agree, though, I think it has just become something he is used to and feels he needs. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should suggest counseling if he can't bring himself to sleep with me in our room, in our bed.


How long have you been married??


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## annabel

dallasapple said:


> How long have you been married??


14 years.


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## anotherguy

Invite him onto TAM and let him read this thread.  

Then point and say 'see! see! See how worried I am?!'



Seriously. Especially because you, so far have been sweet about the whole thing and didnt point out that he picks his nose and farts. Could be good brownie points. You even said, without prompting.. that the sex was good.. when you do get to it. Thats gold you should cash in.

You can thank me later.


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## coffee4me

anotherguy said:


> Invite him onto TAM and let him read this thread.
> 
> Then point and say 'see! see! See how worried I am?!'


:iagree:

This is a good idea! It may be just what you need to open up some dialog!


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## Aunt Ava

terrence4159 said:


> my wife sleeps with 2 of our 3 boxers the 3rd on sleeps with the son and i sleep with 2 .45 cal pistols


I respectfully suggest crate training.....for the boxers that is.


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## Aunt Ava

dallasapple said:


> How long have you been married??


She needs to ask him "How much longer do you want to be married?"


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## Aunt Ava

annabel said:


> Wow. I think my husband would freak out if I said something like that! I agree, though, I think it has just become something he is used to and feels he needs. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should suggest counseling if he can't bring himself to sleep with me in our room, in our bed.


You have been way too complacent about this, time for the 2X4.


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## Aunt Ava

dallasapple said:


> People underestimate SLEEP...Its of vital importance!!


I like sleep, I love my husband. We go to bed together, even if one isn't really tired yet. This wasn't always the case. Things are much better now.


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## annabel

I know that some people are okay with sleeping apart, and while it is mildly comforting that I am not the only one with this situation, I am NOT okay with it. I have tried talking about a compromise before, but it is always shined on, "Sure, maybe, etc." In Dec. 2011 I was told that it was one of his new year resolutions to try to sleep with me more. Unfortunately, it never happened. It is very important to him to sleep on the couch, more important than my feelings of opposition. I try not to think about it too much, but it really hurts my feelings.


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## diwali123

That is strange. 
Does he fall asleep while watching TV? Maybe that's part of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rooman6

I have been married for 15 years and I would say my wife and I stopped sleeping in the same bed 9 years ago. It started beacause I refused to sleep in the bed with her if we never had sex. But now we are both used to sleeping alone. I doubt we will every sleep in the same bed again. It does put a strain on our marriage. I would not suggest doing this. Try to work things out so you can sleep together.


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## lonelywifey101

Wow,,I guess I am not the only one who has this trouble..I have only been married a year, and the only time my husband slept in the same bed as me is when we were visiting my parents, and that was only the first few nights, before he took to the couch. I asked him to sleep with me. I get the same response every night.."I will be right there" to waiting and finally falling asleep alone and wake in the morning to find him sleeping on couch..No he doesn't snore..He has never complained that I snore. I had asked him why he doesnt want to sleep together. Every time I mention it I get a new excuse. To he wasnt ready for bed yet, the bed is too comfortable, the bed is uncomfortable, there is no TV in our room..The excuses are endless.


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## SoSad1216

annabel said:


> Hello Everyone.
> I am a married mother of three, in my 30's, have been with my husband since I was 19 years old. We have had our share of ups and downs, as every married couple does, but have a lot of unhealthy communication issues, and just issues in general. (who doesn't?)
> One big problem for me is that my husband won't sleep in our room, in our bed with me. He sleeps on the couch. He has done this off and on for our entire relationship but now for about three years solid he has not slept with me. It really bothers me, I have expressed my feelings, and although he feels badly, it isn't enough for him to change this. I have seen arguments for both sides, but I happen to believe that it is not good for our marriage to be sleeping apart. Often times I end up with one or two of our children in my bed, and frankly, it is just nice to have the company.
> He feels more comfortable out in the living room, he says. He feels that things are safer in the house if he is sleeping in the living room, he says. We have an alarm system, which I have pointed out that he could use at night. The thing is, no matter what I say about it - - - and I would like to insert here that I don't bring it up very often as it goes nowhere - - - he makes no move to change it.
> I am not sure what to do or how to proceed. Do I just suck it up as I have been doing and live with it? Do I press the issue and ask for a reasonable amount of change? (ie: at least spend 2 or 3 nights with me in our room) I would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.


I'm in the same boat...if there's no intimacy, which comes from feeling that person next to you at night and waking up with them, then the love dies. I know first hand, my husband has been sleeping on the couch for 6 years. I have cried, fought, screamed, ignored, etc. Obviously he loves that couch more than he loves being net to me. 
I don't ask anymore, I resent him, and I resent his nonchalant way of making me feel like I am nothing to him.


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