# Insanity....his or my family's? And what about baby...



## quietviolet (Jan 18, 2014)

I'm terrified to post this because I have no idea if anyone I may know is on this forum...my story is fairly unique. But….I need advice, so here goes.

I recently had a baby. I started off planning a home birth, and ended up quarantined in the hospital with swine flu at 42+3 weeks, labored for 36 long hours, then ended up getting an emergency c-section when it became apparent that I had not progressed at all in all of that time. 

My husband apparently did some seriously awful things in the hospital, but I can’t remember them clearly enough to feel confident in his motive in doing them. He apparently refused to take medication to protect our son from flu, he would not honor the quarantine, he got in a shouting match with my mother eight hours into my labor (and continued to engage in a really petty control game with her for the remainder of the time I was in the hospital), and he blew his germ-y nose in the OR when our son had just been born, and tried to give the tissue to one of the surgeons afterwards. 

My mother spent four days after the birth telling me how psychotic my husband had acted. She wouldn’t let it go- even when she would catch herself and say “But there’s a new baby we should be happy about!” Five minutes later she’d be back to talking about how awful my husband was. 

Since her stories matched up with the few clear memories I had (and I was on a lot of different medications that muddled my brain), I accepted them at face value, and I got really, really scared of what he might do next. I literally did not sleep for more than an hour at a time for almost five days! When I left the hospital, my mother and a few of my family came with me, and stayed. At the time, I wanted them there- I was terrified I would wake up and my baby would be gone. 

However, my husband simply locked himself in his office for hours. Later that night (or maybe the next?) he came downstairs, asked to hold the baby, and my father refused to let him. They got in a nasty argument. I told my dad to back down, told my husband that I was scared and his behavior was unforgivable, and that I was thinking about getting a divorce. The next morning my husband called the police and claimed that my family had kidnapped his son. 

As soon as I received confirmation from the officer that I had every right to take my son wherever I wanted, I packed up a few of my things and left our apartment without another word. Since then I’ve been staying at my mother’s, trying to put my life back together, and struggling to understand what happened. 

The more I think about it the more I am inclined to believe my mother provoked my husband on purpose. If that is the case, I have made a terrible mistake…but I have no clear memories and no proof, and I hesitate to base my future on a hunch. 

My mother is a nightmare if she’s mad at you or doesn’t like you. As her child I’ve been on the wrong side of her passive-aggression a few too many times, and thus I know EXACTLY how my husband must have felt- trapped, insecure, unable to defend himself, excluded, unwanted, and probably demeaned and feeling like he couldn’t do anything right. Given the high levels of tension and stress, I find myself surprised that he didn’t ‘snap’ even more dramatically. To top it off, my mother is an expert at spinning a story in her favor, and doesn’t hesitate to alter the facts to suit her…and then reacts to her changed story as if she truly cannot remember that she made it up. Plus, my mother won’t let me talk to my midwife alone (which is weird and uncomfortable), and the midwife was the only other witness to this entire debacle. This, to me, is all the proof I need that somewhere between point A and point B, the story got changed. 

My husband’s behavior put me and our son in real danger no matter WHY he acted that way, and he is refusing to accept any responsibility for it (which is disturbing). He has been stuck on blaming it all on, and being angry at, my mother…to the exclusion of all else, including holding his own child when he had the chance. 

My mother may have had a part to play in this mess, but my family as a whole has bent over backwards to take care of me in the aftermath, and I hate to be an ungrateful wretch and go back to the man they all think is an abuser. Plus…what if he really did go cuckoo? How can I subject my son (or myself!) to that kind of behavior again? 

What do you think? Am I painting the situation in a rosy light because I miss him, or do I have a legitimate reason to second-guess what actually happened? If I do second-guess, what should I do next? Should I pursue divorce so I can at least get temporary custody and make a plan to move forward, or should I try to get my husband to go to counseling with me? If I do that….how long does it typically take to know whether it will ‘work’ or not? I cannot afford to pay rent in two apartments, I do not want to live with him again until/unless I know for sure he will NEVER repeat that behavior, and he cannot afford to live on his own (I am/was the primary ‘breadwinner’). 

So….yeah. What do you think?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your mother is a terrible human being. You're quite naive to not have realized this by now.

You have inflicted some serious betrayal and emotional abuse on your husband by undermining his role as the father of the baby and leaving him at the worst possible time. Can't speak about your motherly instincts but you're a terrible wife.

Grow up. Give your baby a chance at living with both parents and apologize to your husband. 

Your mom needs to be out of your life like yesterday.



> my family as a whole has bent over backwards to take care of me in the aftermath, and I hate to be an ungrateful wretch and go back to the man they all think is an abuser.


Your family created this 'aftermath' themselves. Your husband may have acted like an idiot at the hospital but there could be 1000 reasons for that and frankly, it matters not. Who cares if he blew his nose and got into an argument with doctors? He's the baby's father. He's 50% of the reason your baby exists. Who gave you the right to take his baby away from him based on his behavior at the hospital?


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## quietviolet (Jan 18, 2014)

As impassioned as the previous poster was about my moral fiber, their advice was less than helpful. I am going to assume you have never been through a traumatic birth, have no strong-willed family members, and have never had to deal with emotional abuse. 

I am not a 'terrible person' for making a decision based on the facts I knew at the time in order to protect a *three day old baby*. Since I recognize that maybe an error in judgment was made during a time when I was sick, drugged up, in labor, traumatized, and then (afterwards) recovering from major surgery, I still don't feel that "terrible person" applies to me. Maybe to my mother...I really don't know.

I had the right (legal and moral) to deny his child to him because at the time it legitimately seemed that he was a genuine threat to my safety and my baby's safety, and he showed (and shows) zero concern for my general well-being. If you take cause and motive out of the picture, he WAS being straight up abusive, uncaring, and, as you put it, a "terrible person" (or, as my mother put it, "a sociopath"). He is also totally remorseless about the things that he did that are really, really wrong. 

Based on facts alone, I am in the right. My attorney told me I have a 100% chance of getting full custody if I pursue divorce based purely on my husband's actions.

However, not everything is about facts, no matter what the law says. I love this guy. I recognize that he is easily provoked. I recognize that even though my mother literally saved my life in the hospital (and she did), she has her faults just like he does. 

I'm trying to make the right decision NOW, and I came here for advice, not to be called names. Thank you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

quietviolet said:


> My mother spent four days after the birth telling me how psychotic my husband had acted. She wouldn’t let it go- even when she would catch herself and say “But there’s a new baby we should be happy about!” Five minutes later she’d be back to talking about how awful my husband was.
> 
> (I am/was the primary ‘breadwinner’).
> 
> So….yeah. What do you think?


Did the hospital staff confirm your family's claims?

Does your husband have a history of blowing his stack?

I see your mother dominates your father. Has she always had it in for your husband?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think you just need to ask yourself one question.

Which person, your husband or your mother, has a past of emotional and mental abuse towards you?

Answer that question and then you will have the answer to what you should do.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Also, your mother isn't letting you talk to your midwife alone? That's really scary. I think you need to get away from your family so you can properly investigate what really happened? Ask the midwife, nurses and doctors what really happened.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

No one called you names. Your first post presented absolutely no "facts". Just some mumbling about what your mother accused your husband of while you were giving birth. Regardless, your mother remains a terrible person in my view even if she was telling you the truth which is highly improbable given her controlling nature.

You may get full custody of your child but that's no indication of you being in the 'right'. It just means the system finds it easier to strip your husband of his fatherly rights than to deal with your controlling mother or your betrayal.

Look, you married this man, claim to love him and now have his baby. Based on what you've written, I see no indication of him being a 'threat' to the child's safety. I see a lot of friction between your family and your husband which is clearly a situation you should be siding with your husband in. If your mother's feelings takes priority over your husband's, you're not a wife. 

Your husband's side of the story should be interesting. I have a feeling things are a lot different in his mind.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> Your husband's side of the story should be interesting. I have a feeling things are a lot different in his mind.


I agree. You didn't present any of your husband's side really. Have you even talked to him? Has he even seen or held his child?


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