# celibate? to be or not to be....



## mamma (Apr 9, 2011)

sooooooo.... where do i start? I guess its the whole typical, i find that my husband uses porn. It hurts and i get upset, REALLY upset. 

I have tried to put myself second, and CONTINUE to achieve a healthy physical relationship w/ him (despite i feel like 
i have given my all and its still not enough to please and fulfill his needs,
seriously has any other wife woken up 5 in the morning just to initiate sex with her husband after being denied so many nights before?)

But now i just feel used, depleted, and i cry after sex. I am sure this is not all his doing and that there are some things to work out inside myself, which leads me to a path i never thought i would consider, celibacy. 

at first i wanted to use it to get back at him, using sex as a weapon, but realized that that is not cool or beneficial for either of us. But after trying to have sex and regain that intimacy, only to come out feeling cheap, exposed and stupid, I am think that the sound of no sex is getting better and better.

I think it could be very beneficial for me as an individual to take whatever sexual energy i get and use it for, oh i dunno, art, studying, something that will have a positive output.

I have thought to myself that it is selfish to do this to my husband, but at the same time, he did after all feel comfortable w/ taking the initiative of giving himself that personal space, deny me, and use that built up energy for his own selfish gain.

Why would this be any more different? except i think i would be using it for more of a "spiritual" gain? 
anyone have any thoughts? guys? what would you do if your wife did this? (other than continue to watch porn)? -just curious.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mamma said:


> sI think it could be very beneficial for me as an individual to take whatever sexual energy i get and use it for, oh i dunno, art, studying, something that will have a positive output.


Tried this (not for same reason as you but still same tactic). It didn't change anything. He still kept doing the same things he'd always done. He didn't care.

Playing games rarely work. I think you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. If it is then say it say "pick porn or me" and mean it. Be prepared to leave. He isn't likely to quit just because you go celibate. In fact it's likely to increase his porn use.

....just sayin.


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## mamma (Apr 9, 2011)

he has told me he wouldnt again, and as far as i know he hasnt. but when he doesnt, he usually trys to get me in the mood. lately he hasnt tried with me, (probably due to the crying) and that is not a good sign. i dont want want to bother w/ any of it anymore... who says sex has to be so important? (in a relationship)


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You might get replies from some guys telling you that porn is normal, and to just find something you like about it, but this is clearly a boundary for you, and should be respected.

Are you sure that this response is healthy for you? Do you dislike sex? I don't think so. By exclusion, the problem is him and his interest. Treat it like that. If you can't make yourself force an ultimatum, however, then your choices are limited. Maybe start small, like a committment from him to seek marriage counseling with you. Ultimately, though, you will have to link it to some sort of consequences.


There's just a part of me that says that if your efforts fail, then it would serve him right for you to let him know that you're just not sure how this need will be met, but you're considering your options....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is there a beginning to this you left out?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mamma said:


> But now i just feel used, depleted, and i cry after sex. I am sure this is not all his doing and that there are some things to work out inside myself, which leads me to a path i never thought i would consider, celibacy.
> 
> at first i wanted to use it to get back at him, using sex as a weapon, but realized that that is not cool or beneficial for either of us. But after trying to have sex and regain that intimacy, only to come out feeling cheap, exposed and stupid, I am think that the sound of no sex is getting better and better.
> 
> I think it could be very beneficial for me as an individual to take whatever sexual energy i get and use it for, oh i dunno, art, studying, something that will have a positive output.


I could have written this myself. A year or so ago this is exactly what I went through. Initially i wanted to get back at my H for denying me all the time but, as you know, that does not work at all. infact i think it backfires two-fold. my H never cared enough to even notice i was withholding. i think he was just glad i finally backed off, which of course was even more hurtful and made me even more resentful. 

The whole situation had gotten so outta control. I was so angry all the time and he felt so pressured that even when we did have sex NOBODY was enjoying it. So after my ill-fated attempt at revenge i realized i needed to back off for me. My second attempt at no sex has been, what i would consider, successful. I did it completely for me. I cant remember the last time i initiated sex and i might have had sex once this month, although I cant really remember. i have little to no desire for it. I've wanted it, dont get me wrong, but it hasnt driven me to the point that i was miserable and felt a little out of control. Im an extremely clam person now. Although i feel sad about the lack of intimacy i dont feel resentful or angry at my H on a regular basis. sometimes i still hate him, but it passes without incidence and i rarely, if ever, bring it up. I realize its not the end of the world and the situation does not have to turn me into this mean horrible person. I also realize the solution might not be staying in the marriage. 

There's a lot of confusion about this step, the attempt at celibacy. But its not an end in itself, its a means to an end. Its a way to get your head on straight again, regain some healthy boundaries, eradicate resentment, and choose to either pursue healing in the marriage or out of the marriage. You must do it for you and solely for you. If you do it to try and change him that is simply manipulation and it will never work. its also dangerous to dilute yourself into thinking you can remain this way- that's not possible. bad things happen if you try and fool yourself out of what you want/need. but it can be a step in the right direction.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

using sex in your benefit is wrong.

Why was he watching in the first place? I think its ok sometimes watching porn just means our sex drives are not completely equal and this helps me be happy  As long as your getting some and he is happy its all good.

If you have an issue about it talk to him but withholding sex is not going to help anything.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I watch porn all the time.. Wife doesn't have an issue with it, but if she did it wouldn't stop me from watching it lol..

There would be an issue, if I was more interested in porn then my Wife..


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

I told my wife that celibacy was not an option. If I wanted to be celibate, I would have gone into the priesthood. If you choose celibacy, your husband should not have to comply with your decision.


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## doodle (Apr 7, 2011)

it sounds like you are considering being celibate b/c your H is denying you, if I understand correctly?
Personally I think you are trying to convince yourself that you can talk yourself into being "ok" with his choice and being left out completely. It won't work, maybe for a short while.. but not forever like "happily ever after". Sex to women is usually more than just the physical act, there are emotions and closeness attached. Are you getting that from him outside of sex?
If not, you should seek counseling, he may have a porn addiction. I understand most men do view porn, but it's a problem when it replaces time with your spouse, period.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I wouldn't go this route.

Unless sex is not that important to you.

If it is, then fight for it, don't give up totally - what does that solve?

My husband also is into porn, though it looks like it might have slowed down some.

I recently discovered that his lack of sexual interest had little to do with me, per say.

His sex drive has dropped and he didn't want to tell me. He was looking at porn to try to revive it and had also looked at some books on how to revive your sex life.

Instead of sharing all of this with me, he kept it inside and it made me believe that "I" was the problem, when it had nothing to do with me.

Now - we're still not back to regular sex and probably never will be with the medical issues caused by his TBI - but, he had an open talk with me this past weekend and told me that if I could be patient and let him get himself back to some semblance of normalcy in his life, then he could work more on it more, but that the pressure was just pushing him away. He explained that he had lost some feeling and that things just didn't work right and though we had tried other untraditional methods, that while he enjoyed them, he didn't want to do them all the time either.

My point being...perhaps there are other issues at play that he just doesn't or won't talk about with you. 

You might be surprised,

I was.


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