# Hoping to reconcile



## slb121

Approximately 3 months ago, my husband advised he wanted a divorce. It was completely shocking that he would request a divorce, because although things were not perfect in our marriage, I never, ever saw us divorcing. We have been married for 3 years - together 6. No children. 

His reasonings for wanting the divorce is due to the fact we continue to have the same arguments and has become unhappy with the state of our marriage and where he is in life. I know the first thing people say is that he is having an affair but I truly do not believe that is the case in our situation.

I have to agree that I am tired of the same old fights with no resolution, no real communication, and us just putting a band aid over our problems. We have struggled with money after the purchase of our house and I know the money issue wears him down, as it does me. My husband has a desire to control things and he has such an awful temper - no physical abuse; just emotional. He doesn't fight nice and his apologies are seldom. He knows exactly how to hurt my feelings in arguments and after time, you just get so worn down over it. 

Close friends believe he just threatened the divorce as a way to manipulate me and gain the upper hand as he advised he wanted a divorce after a particularly bad argument when I finally fought back and him threatening to take away his love would be a way for me to shut up and emotionally blackmail me. He hasn't moved out of our house or filed divorce papers. His moods the past 3 months go from being kind to me to being angry. It is one roller coaster that is for sure.

I have tried to stay calm after his request for the divorce and agreed that I thought it was the best thing for us too. I know you cannot hold a gun to another's head nor cry or beg them to stay with you. I continue to do things for myself and recently went on a trip for 6 days to visit a friend in another state and didn't text or call my husband the entire time I was away. That was the first time in 5 years that we didn't talk to each other. 

Since my return, I have noticed a change in my husband. He has been more attentive, talkative, and communicating with me. He cuddles into me every night and continues to text me and stay in contact with me throughout the day while we are both at work. He told me he missed me while I was away and has told me he loves me. He seems much happier than I have seen him in months. However, the discussion of whether he actually wants to go through with the divorce hasn't come up yet. I am scared to bring it up and think perhaps I should give us more time.

There is nothing more that I want, then for us to "call off the divorce" but I am hesitant to allow myself to open up my heart again. I have enjoyed this time with him as we are laughing and having fun together and seem to be the couple we once were, before bills, stress, and dumb fights got in our way.

I am wondering how many people have reconciled after the threat of divorce? I know it will be a hard path for us to forgive, trust and love again - not to mention the fact my family is extremely upset and hurt at his request for the divorce - but I truly believe a marriage shouldn't end unless you have tried every effort to resolve your conflicts. I am going to counseling and would really hope he would agree to go with me but unfortunately, some men including my husband, think counseling is a waste of time and energy. 

Thank you for listening and if anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.


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## workingatit

First, take a deep breath, there is a lot of hope here. He is giving you a warning sign - that is good. If he really wanted a divorce he would get up and go. He is on the fence about what he wants. If you look up my story - it was very similar. But mine did move out.....and it was the best thing that ever happened. Without knowing a lof of your past history it is hard to say what to do.....but it clearly sounds like there is a communication break down and that is the worst thing in the world to have.

My husband moved out for about 4 months almost. It gave me time to work on ME and I realized a large portion of our problems were me....I did not see it while he was here. But through the help of some great people here, a counselor and a marriage therapist - I came to realize how much anger I had bottled up......

So work on YOU...you cannot change him, but hopefully by him seeing changes in you it will change him.

We were divoricing. We both were done and had had it. 20 years and one child and we were just ready to give up. He moved out, I spoke to an attorney. 

4 months later he came home. 

4 months after that....we are happier than we have ever been. 

Happy endings are possible....but it takes a lot of work, a lot of strength to look inside and a lot of strength to let the other person do what they need to do. I did not beg my husband to stay when he left, I did not beg him to come honme.....after the first week or so he was gone, I did not call unless i had to. The space was good.

So hang in there....do things for YOU. Maybe see someone who can help YOU....and take it day by day. He is home......that is an advantage.


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## slb121

Thank you for your response. It was my birthday on Saturday and my husband and I spent all weekend together and I couldn't be happier. However, I am still so confused as I do not know what his real intentions are. I do not want to pressure him and say "Do you see us reconciling"? BUT I also feel like I am in a state of limbo. It has been 3 months and nothing has been done as far as putting the house on the market or him filing the divorce papers yet. I do not know if he is reconsidering his original choice to divorce or not? How do I know if it was just a veiled threat or if he was 100% serious? This is all so confusing.


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## cdbaker

Yeah you have to get an answer for that limbo. You really just have to do the uncomfortable thing and sit down with him to discuss it. If he wants a divorce, then start working on yourself and maybe even consider the 180. If he is committed to reconciliation, as his behavior suggests as least, then you need to discuss what that will entail and make commitments to each other to that affect.

I've heard of some spouses who want a divorce, but in the days following the dropping of that bomb, will often go to great lengths to make their spouse happy and feel loved/appreciated. Often that will be to satiate their own guilt for wanting to dissolve the marriage, so they act that way so that they can walk away on "good terms" and their spouse might not feel so hurt. In reality, they just cause tremendous confusion which can make it hurt even more when the spouse realizes you still want divorce, as it makes them feel like they were fooled.

You need to find out if he still wants the divorce. Or maybe he was just depressed or angry and blurted it out. Or maybe he did want it, but he's realized since then that he doesn't want it. Or maybe he just isn't sure now but figures he'll give it some time to ponder. 

If he blurted out the D word in anger/depression, then that is NOT ok and he needs to get himself figured out and realize how destructive and unacceptable he was in doing so. If he has changed his mind, then you need to discuss why and create a plan for continuing to move forward together. If he still isn't sure, then he needs to make up his mind asap and then you'll both need to work out a plan to move forward, together or apart. It's not fair for him to mislead you like this if he isn't positive that he wants to reconcile, and is a prime candidate for the 180 to help force him to make that decision.


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## slb121

Thank you for your reply, CD. Unfortunately, over the past 3 years of marriage, the "threat" of divorce has been hung over my head more than once. I used to take it so seriously and it would definitely get me weak in the knees as divorce is NOT what I want. After hearing the "D" word thrown at me during a big fight, I did start to wonder if it was all just to scare me into backing down from the fight. This time around, his discussion about divorce was a couple days after a big fight and he said he wanted the divorce in a calm, cool manner - not during a heated argument. The heated argument was 5 days prior.

The past week since my return from visiting a friend for 6 days, with no contact between the two of us, we have continued to spend quality time together. We have been sharing kisses, great conversations, holding hands, eating dinner together and laughing together. I am really hoping that he has realized that D isn't right for us. I just do not know when to broach the topic with him. I do not want to push him or pressure him, because I do not want him to feel like I am ganging up on him. However, if he is just enjoying my company for time being and he really truly wants to go on with his life without me, then I know I need to be told this. 

Is there any real timeline to bring up this discussion with him? I know every relationship is different and what works for Jack and Jill - doesn't necessarily work for John and Mary.


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## cdbaker

Timeline is really up to you. What you described above about him dropping hints of the D-word or using it as a threat is absolutely awful though. To know that you'll back off in fear at the very notion as a tactic is deplorable, as it keeps you constantly fearful and trying to please you to ward off it's use. That isn't a wife, it's an indentured servant. It's a terrible control/manipulation tactic.

It's great that he'd being more affectionate since you got back, I think that is pretty indicative that he missed you and was afraid that he was losing control over you while you were away and experiencing who knows what and being told things that he couldn't filter for you. Being a wonderful man for a while after that could be his way to sort of let you fall back in love again so that when he returns to his old ways little by little, you'll feel just as desperate to hold on to the way things are right now.

I think the best thing would be to ask him to go to MC with you, let the therapist hear you out and diagnose the issues. That being his control/manipulation and your co-dependence, probably as a result of his issues. Given your current emotional state and history of likely giving in to him, I think this would be the best strategy.


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## slb121

Well I brought up the topic on Tuesday night and unfortunately, he said he still wants to go forward with the divorce. I am completely crushed. I really thought there was hope for us. I guess I was completely wrong. He said that he didn't mean to lead me on and that he did miss me while I was away but he is still set on going forward with the divorce and moving on with his life without me.


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## cdbaker

Wow. So in just the last couple week's he was telling you how much he missed you, that he loved you, kissing, cuddling close at night, attentive as ever, etc.

It doesn't look like it's been discussed much yet aside from you saying in the OP that you don't believe he is seeing someone else, but his behavior sort of sounds like the back-and-forth of a spouse in an affair. Why do you believe he is not involved with someone else? Have you examined his cell phone logs, internet use, etc.?


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## slb121

Believe me, as soon as the "D" word was uttered, I did a thorough check of our bank records, cellphone bills, computer, etc. There is not a hint of another woman or affair. 

My husband is 10 years older than me and part of me feels like this is a mid-life crisis. The whole I am turning 50 and where is my life going? 

Even after the last discussion of "D" on Tuesday night, he is still showering me with attention and wanting to be in constant contact with me. 

His whole "D" talk never made sense from the beginning. I just truly don't believe he knows what he wants anymore. While I know this is unfair to me, I cannot help but want to wait this out. I have suffered with uncertainty in our marriage as well, but I truly believe in for better or worse.


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