# I have a major problem with jealousy...help!



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

When I 1st started dating my GF 8 month ago, I felt so confident about myself, it seemed like no other men existed, at least in her eyes. Over time my insecurities and jealousy has gotten out of control and I dont know how to stop these feelings and its really affecting our relationship.

She always tells me how much she loves me and is attracted to me, writes me love notes all the time and even buys me flowers sometimes. we are always grabbing eachother and making out, and we have great sex whenever possible. she says she wants to have kids with me and marry me someday. Im usually a very discipled person about most things in my life, and Ive always been very independent, and I dont scare easily either, but I love this woman and her daughter so much the thought of her being with or wanting another man is terrifying to me. Its gotten to the point I cant be happy cause even a guy liking a harmless picture on her FB drives me into a jealous frenzy, WTF is wrong with me? 

I think what has me so wound up is some of the interactions she has had with her daughters father who she was on/off with for 5 years up until summer before last, nothing too awful just ambiguous flirting and txting pictures of their daughter and stuff. she also told him we broke up after a fight we had back in june, shes said she thought we did and was just confiding in him. I told her Im not comfortable with her having that kind of relationship with but she swears shes not interested in him but I still always feel like Im competing with him. I cant even go with her to pick her daughter up from his house, cause I cant stand the sight of him near her.

I also found out recently she friended and inboxed an old BF she said treated her very badly, again nothing bad just "hey whats up" kinda stuff and it was just one conversation back in july right before we moved in together but it really hurts that she would do that, she apologized but I just cant get past it and I feel like I cant trust her or really take her seriously about how much she says she loves me. Whever I try to talk to her about my fears it turns into a huge fight. 
This is taking over my life, affecting my work and hobbies, but most of all its killing this otherwise beautiful relationship. I wish I could be more secure because I feel like my jealousy an insecurity will eventually drive her away or worse, into the arms of another man, but I just dont know how to control it. Any help is much appreciated.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jealousy is an exceptionally valid emotion to have. As long as you’re having it for the right reasons.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy: _Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust._


There are some that really believe others have no effect on how they feel. That another person cannot “make” them feel happy, sad, joyful, angry, disappointed etc. Well guess what, they can.


It is your girlfriend’s activities that are literally making you feel jealous and experience the emotions above. Because in spite of what she tells you, what she actually does, her actions tell you something quite the opposite.

Does she deliberately make you jealous? The only way you’ll find out what’s really going on is by spying on her.


Jealousy can be seen as a "warning emotion". It's warning you something is very wrong somewhere, you'd be best to heed its warning.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

did you behave like that in your previous relationship/s? just a question to reflect on ...


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

If she's contacting old boyfriends who treated her like crap and was able to quickly "move on" by talking to her kid's dad when she thought you guys had broken up then maybe she really doesn't feel that intensely about you. Maybe you're her fallback guy since she made earlier crappy decisions with men? Did the kid's dad break up with her or the other way around? Carrying another man's child make it very hard for a woman to ever become truly attached to another man.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

No I was never like that with my ex wife, she was not really the sexy type, guys didnt seem to notice her as much but I guess I was not that attracted to her that much either. My current GF is very cute young and sexy.

If I knew how insecure I would be about her relationships with her ex, I wouldve not gotten involved with her but she seemed to hide that side of her & by the time I started to notice things, I was already in love with her now I feel like it would be almost impossible to walk away from her. Im also very attached to her 4yo daughter, and I hate her visiting or even talking about her father.

Im torn because I love how good it feels to be with her but I also miss the piece of mind I had when I didnt care so much about someone... Im constantly checking her phone and looking at her FB... I dont care about my friends family or hobbies anymore, this is not healthy I know...god I feel so pathetic


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello,
I can understand that you are having some jealousy , but I don't understand how it is touching her daughter's relationship with her dad...
You are in love with her and jealousy is often part of the deal, but tell me why it is affecting your daughter in law as well...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

my wife was very beautiful when I met her, always being hit on by other men.

I found the best way to deal with it was not to show any jealousy even if I felt it. It can put women off, suggesting you do not feel worthy of them.

I would regard previous BFs as losers, who missed out on being with her in the long run (you clearly love her and therefore value her highly so they must have done also).

This may not be easy but life is not always easy.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

growtogether said:


> Hello,
> I can understand that you are having some jealousy , but I don't understand how it is touching her daughter's relationship with her dad...
> You are in love with her and jealousy is often part of the deal, but tell me why it is affecting your daughter in law as well...


Well I take care of this little girl everyday, I get her ready for school and put her to bed every night, I treat as if she was my own. he doesnt care much about her IMO and he doesnt pay much CS because she says if she takes him back to court hell get more visitation, she has to chase him down for the little he pays but he drives a brand new BMW. When hes with his daughter, he doesnt do much with her and smokes pot and plays video games in front of her , yet she thinks hes great. I cant stand him!

when I 1st met her I asked her specifically what his roll in her life was, and she told me he wasnt too involved with her daughter, just had visitation 2 days a month and she really didnt see or talk to him much. That seemed to be the case in the beginning and I though I could live with it, then over time he seemed to pop up more and more. 

Ive been round and round with her about it and she insists she doesnt care about him and loves me, so I guess I have to learn to live with it if I wanna be with her, cause its starting to upset her alot. I just wanna know how to control my jealousy, its taking over my life.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> my wife was very beautiful when I met her, always being hit on by other men.
> 
> I found the best way to deal with it was not to show any jealousy even if I felt it. It can put women off, suggesting you do not feel worthy of them.
> 
> ...


 Yes I believe this to be true and very good advice, easier said than done though, I just wish I knew how to control it:scratchhead:


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

franklinfx said:


> Ive been round and round with her about it and she insists she doesnt care about him and loves me, so I guess I have to learn to live with it if I wanna be with her, cause its starting to upset her alot. I just wanna know how to control my jealousy, its taking over my life.


Concentrate on yor love for her and hers for you. Live in the present. If you feel jealous just say to yourself 'there is that jealous mind set again', but do not let the feelings affect your behaviour. Wait for it to pass.

With time, if you keep the love going (learn about the five languages if you have not already done so) it will probably ease.

Be patient with yourself and her


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Concentrate on yor love for her and hers for you. Live in the present. If you feel jealous just say to yourself 'there is that jealous mind set again', but do not let the feelings affect your behaviour. Wait for it to pass.
> 
> With time, if you keep the love going (learn about the five languages if you have not already done so) it will probably ease.
> 
> Be patient with yourself and her


 Thank you so much! Yes that is where I want to get to in this relationship I want to show her and myself I can be strong and confident. It will be hard but I will remember your advice.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sorry, franklin, but "cute, young and sexy" girlfriend is playing you!

You're undoubtedly a LOT older than her. And you probably make better money than both baby-daddy and her ex-boyfriend (from FB). Notice how it's young guys HER AGE that's she's 'just saying hi to' or calling to let them know you two 'broke up'.

She is TOO young for you (emotionally). She has no idea of proper boundaries. She's interested in flirting with these guys, or hooking back up with them if you two break up. My personal opinion is that she's with you for the money/security.

I know it's very ego-boosting to have a hot young girlfriend, but REALLY, WHAT DO YOU TWO HAVE IN COMMON?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Sorry, franklin, but "cute, young and sexy" girlfriend is playing you!
> 
> You're undoubtedly a LOT older than her. And you probably make better money than both baby-daddy and her ex-boyfriend (from FB). Notice how it's young guys HER AGE that's she's 'just saying hi to' or calling to let them know you two 'broke up'.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I only make about 35k a year lol there's a lot better off guys she could go for if she was in it for the $. I'm not that much older than her I'm 40 she's 30 the ex's are in the mid 30's. I dont think there's anything wrong with her wanting me partly for my maturity and emotional security, I'm also in good shape and I don't look 40 ; I could be with other women if I wanted and she could be with them if she wanted so why would she wait for us to break up to hook up with them? Thanks for the reply though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Zig said:


> Carrying another man's child make it very hard for a woman to ever become truly attached to another man.


I disagree with this statement........Yes, they will forever have a 'biological' bond being they've had children together; nothing can change that. But that fact alone does not determine whether or not future relationships for them are out of the question. It will come down to what happened in the marriage/relationship to cause the divorce/separation. 

In my experience, I don't understand her need to contact/update her ex on what's going on in her current relationship. IMO the only thing they should/need to be discussing is in relation to their daughter. THAT IS IT! That's the only thing they should have in common at this point. I despised my ex, still do. Couldn't even stand to talk to him on the phone. Did so only when I had to for the kids' sake. 

I truly hope she's not playing you as some others have mentioned. You may have jealous tendencies but with her actions, who could blame you. You sound like a nice guy. Please pay attention, keep your eyes/ears open. The saying goes: Where there's smoke; there's fire. If you don't like or are uncomfortable with something, you have the right to ask questions. If nothing's going on, then she won't have a problem answering them.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

franklinfx said:


> Well I take care of this little girl everyday, I get her ready for school and put her to bed every night, I treat as if she was my own. he doesnt care much about her IMO and he doesnt pay much CS because she says if she takes him back to court hell get more visitation, she has to chase him down for the little he pays but he drives a brand new BMW. When hes with his daughter, he doesnt do much with her and smokes pot and plays video games in front of her , yet she thinks hes great. I cant stand him!
> 
> when I 1st met her I asked her specifically what his roll in her life was, and she told me he wasnt too involved with her daughter, just had visitation 2 days a month and she really didnt see or talk to him much. That seemed to be the case in the beginning and I though I could live with it, then over time he seemed to pop up more and more.
> 
> Ive been round and round with her about it and she insists she doesnt care about him and loves me, so I guess I have to learn to live with it if I wanna be with her, cause its starting to upset her alot. I just wanna know how to control my jealousy, its taking over my life.


In your relationship's situation, what can you control? 
I'm asking you this question because you said yourself that you will have to learn to deal with this situation to stay with her. Even if her ex-boyfriend his bothering you, what can you control here? What can you do to be more in peace with this situation?


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