# Isn't it the wifes job to turn down sex?



## Fed up (Apr 9, 2012)

New here, but having enough issues, I needed to find a place to vent, and ask for help/opinions.
Been married over 4 years, have kids. Husband is ex military and has severe PTSD. We use to have sex all the time. Great sex, and its not just all about the sex. We enjoyed each other.
It is pretty much non existant now. I am very lonely, and frustrated. When we do have it most of the time it is he gets it up, and goes for it. Very little to no foreplay.
He rarely takes time to make sure I get off, and and after having my last kid, it is harder for me to get off.

I know he loves me, I have been having some health issues, and he made me breakfast in bed a few days ago, and does other thoughtfull things.
I always make sure he gets his. I love to give oral, and pleasure him. 
The other day he told me I make him feel like a piece of meat. Tonight he led me on. Made out with me, let me pleasure him, then ignored me. Later yelled at me he was tired when I was trying to kiss him.
He told me he wasn't going to live a life where sex was all that mattered. He told me I am always clawing at him, and I try to hard. I am almost always the one that initiates, otherwise I would never get laid. I know, I tried it before.
I have been given all the excuses so he can not have sex, or so I leave him alone. Im tired, I have a headache, Im to stressed out.
Sex is my stress relief! I'm stressed out, frustreated, and about to loose it!
I have not cheated on him. I told him if I was addicted to sex like he claims I would not be ther begging him for it.

I'm not gross, or huge. I have had kids, and am not skinnny like I use to be, but I have lost a lot of weight, can fit into most of my old jeans, I bathe, put on make up, try to look good for him.

I am sure he is not seeing anyone else. He tells me he loves me, and does things that show it. Like breakfast, helping me with chores, ect.

Ok, Im rambling, I'm tired, and stressed out. What can I do?
Yes there are some other issues in our marriage, most stem from his PTSD, but this is the straw thats breaking tha camels back. I am his wife! Not his room mate, babysitter, or house keeper! I did not get married to be absinant.

Sorry if I am not making sense, I was trying to remember all that I wasnted to say. Sure I forgot half of it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In their natural state, guys are horndogs. When they aren't, there's usually a medical explanation. Your's has severe PTSD. I've been to Iraq twice. My wife tells me I came home a little different last time. Most guys had it much tougher than I did over there. Could be his PTSD directly impacts his sex drive or any drugs he might be taking for PTSD could be. If you come on him like a porn star, he might start worrying about his ability to perform and that could interfere with his ability to get or stay erect. A doc could probably help him out.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Fed up said:


> Husband is ex military and has severe _*PTSD*_. We use to have sex all the time. Great sex, and its not just all about the sex. We enjoyed each other.
> 
> Yes there are some other issues in our marriage, most stem from his *PTSD*, but this is the straw thats breaking tha camels back.


The sex is a symptom, not the cause. He may well have seen, experienced, undergone things you cannot even begin to imagine, and that no one in their right senses would choose to. And he can't just put it all down and walk away from it. My guess is that if he could, he would, in the blink of an eye. But he can't.


> I am his wife! Not his room mate, babysitter, or house keeper! I did not get married to be absinant.
> 
> Sorry if I am not making sense, I was trying to remember all that I wasnted to say. Sure I forgot half of it.


No, you're his wife. What you want is reasonable, realistic and normal. The way you do it will have to involve getting him right again, and that will NOT happen on its own, or just by you wanting it. HE has to decide to change and deal with his PTSD. Is he undergoing any treatment? If not, what treatment can he get? Why isn't he? Unless he decides to, this ain't going to change.

Then at the point he decides to do something about it, you are going to need to help him, and where necessary cajole or downright make him pursue the treatment he needs. Before anyone says anything - if he got through his military training without some degree of cajoling and forcing, he's a better man that I was He might need some pretty tough help to meet this challenge too. Good luck.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If he doesn't want to go to the doctor about this issue, I would go myself.

See if the doctor can alter any possible prescriptions (or issue new ones) to possibly help.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Fed up ~

Before coming to TAM, I may have loosely agreed with you...but have come to realize that husband's have just as many issues ... whether they be physical, mental, emotional ... as wive's do that may make sex unappealing or unsatisfactory to them. I have also come to realize that it's actually both a husband and wife's "job" to ensure their partner is fulfilled in whatever manner they need...so it shouldn't ever be someone's "job" to turn the other down, but rather to learn how to do the opposite. 

You mentioned that he says you make him feel "like a piece of meat". So, maybe you are coming on a bit too strong and needy for him? You can try pulling back a bit and giving him some breathing room and see if that helps things. When one partner feels 'smothered', their natural reaction is to pull away from you.

If you can pull back, and be confident, calm, happy, be involved and content in yourself and your own life, then you might see a more positive response from him.

Best wishes.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Has he been able to talk with other veterans about his war experience? Is there a group that he can join for this? He may not be able to re-integrate into civilian society because of the things that he experienced. Some veterans cannot talk to their wives about what happened to them. They feel "dirty," and that their wife could never understand. I would address this first, and then see if you can re-build your sex life with him.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Isn't it the wifes job to turn down sex? 

And they usually do a really good job at that.......


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## Fed up (Apr 9, 2012)

I am not all over him 24/7 like he is complaining. I have had some health issues and been really sick. So some days I am barely able to get around and deal with life let alone try and seduce him.

Yes I have also ignored him and gone on with life. Then I get laid/paid attention to even less, if that is possible.

No he is on no precriptions,and refuses to go in. He also refuses to get help saying he doesn't have a problem. But the uses his PTSD as an excuse to not do things he doesnt want to do.

He wasn't always like this, it has just gotten worse over the last year or two.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Fed up said:


> No he is on no precriptions,and refuses to go in. He also refuses to get help saying he doesn't have a problem. But the uses his PTSD as an excuse to not do things he doesnt want to do.
> 
> He wasn't always like this, it has just gotten worse over the last year or two.


There are two possible things here:

1) He DOES know he has a problem, but doesn't want to admit it to you / others (for any number of reason, quite possibly including trying to not upset you), and hopes that time / toughing it out / hoping it goes away will solve the problem;

2) He really believes he doesn't have a problem.

I'm not sure which of these is worse.

I have / had a number of friends / acquaintances who had suffered varying degrees of PTSD. Although some managed to bury it (sometimes very deeply) on their own, none of them ever really _solved_ it on their own.


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## Fed up (Apr 9, 2012)

I thinks it both, and which one depends on which suits his purpose at the given time.

When he is having issues with it he won't talk to me, and he gets mad and snaps at me if I ask. Then, a few hours, or a day later all will be great. He will be social, happy, want to spend time with me, then BAM... back to pissy brooding.

Another of the issues that I have is he will be normal/nice with the kids, play with them, do school work, ect. Then be a jerk and pissy to me not 5 min later.
It is not always like that, but it happens quite often. It is such a roller coaster. I wish he would just pick one and stick to it.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Fed up said:


> I thinks it both, and which one depends on which suits his purpose at the given time.
> 
> When he is having issues with it he won't talk to me, and he gets mad and snaps at me if I ask. Then, a few hours, or a day later all will be great. He will be social, happy, want to spend time with me, then BAM... back to pissy brooding.
> 
> ...


Please don't discount the possibility that these sudden shifts are NOT of his concious choosing. You said he has severe PTSD. Whilst I don't want to reduce everything to this and your husband to be defined by his pathology, if it's severe, he DOES have a problem, and it ain't going to go away on its own.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You need to take the lead here and make appointments for him. One of the symptoms of PTSD is the inability to recognize the need for counseling. As ex-military, he does not think it is masculine to ask for help.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> You need to take the lead here and make appointments for him. One of the symptoms of PTSD is the inability to recognize the need for counseling. As ex-military, he does not think it is masculine to ask for help.


If he was wounded in action, a superior would ORDER him to seek treatment, whether he thought he needed it or not. It might come to this.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like you are both hurting, and it is negatively impacting your marriage.

I agree with the other posters- he needs to get his PTSD in check. It can be debilitating and, as you have noticed, cause personality shifts. He is probably feeling raw all the time- hardly conducive to feeling sexual.

If he won't go in, you might need to either force him in or consider whether you can live with it for the rest of your life. It is sad, but if he won't get help there isn't always anything you can do except take care of yourself.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Fed up said:


> Another of the issues that I have is he will be normal/nice with the kids, play with them, do school work, ect. Then be a jerk and pissy to me not 5 min later.


This might be common-- my husband (who also refuses sex) does the same thing. He'll hug the kids, be nice to them, care about their feelings, but I might as well be dirt on his shoe.

At least you have a probable reason for his refusals (PTSD). Is he averse to any touch, or just sexual touch?


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