# How to get turned on by my husband?



## Gemma (Jul 7, 2011)

My husband of 5 years and I both have some issues in the marriage - to sum it up quickly I feel disrespected at times, unappreciated, and unromanced for sure. I know he feels that his sexual needs aren't met and probably some other things, it's hard to read him sometimes and he hates communicating emotions. Sex, when we have it, is usually fair to good - probably a little plain and uninspired. My problem is getting the desire to have sex. I have taken a Sexual Psychology class and I know that hypoactive desire is very hard to change. But when he is in the mood for sex, all I can think of is how much other stuff I have to do, how I hate when he says mean things to me, how I wish he would do this or that differently, etc., etc. My past sexual partners before marriage were very different than now. I respond to partners who are sexually aggressive and dominant and my husband is not that way. I have finally got him to agree not to whine about sex because that is for sure a huge turnoff for me. What can I do to feel the desire, or suggest to him to inspire the desire in me? I have told him before to just "do" it, just have passion, throw me down, etc. and it NEVER happens. For what it's worth, I have had a fairly high sex drive in the past, but now it is just not happening. We do have two small children and I work and go to school so "busy and tired" is a permanent state. But I don't want our relationship to get worse because of this. We are only growing apart, not together like I want. Ugggh, I sometimes feel that if we were "meant" to be sex would just be a beautiful force of nature and not a bone of contention but I think I have been watching too much TV!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Gemma said:


> My husband of 5 years and I both have some issues in the marriage - to sum it up quickly I feel disrespected at times, unappreciated, and unromanced for sure. I know he feels that his sexual needs aren't met and probably some other things, it's hard to read him sometimes and he hates communicating emotions. Sex, when we have it, is usually fair to good - probably a little plain and uninspired. My problem is getting the desire to have sex. I have taken a Sexual Psychology class and I know that hypoactive desire is very hard to change. But when he is in the mood for sex, all I can think of is how much other stuff I have to do, how I hate when he says mean things to me, how I wish he would do this or that differently, etc., etc. My past sexual partners before marriage were very different than now. I respond to partners who are sexually aggressive and dominant and my husband is not that way. I have finally got him to agree not to whine about sex because that is for sure a huge turnoff for me. What can I do to feel the desire, or suggest to him to inspire the desire in me? I have told him before to just "do" it, just have passion, throw me down, etc. and it NEVER happens. For what it's worth, I have had a fairly high sex drive in the past, but now it is just not happening. We do have two small children and I work and go to school so "busy and tired" is a permanent state. But I don't want our relationship to get worse because of this. We are only growing apart, not together like I want. Ugggh, I sometimes feel that if we were "meant" to be sex would just be a beautiful force of nature and not a bone of contention but I think I have been watching too much TV!


Go to Married Man Sex Life. Athol K has a lot of suggestions that YOU can apply. If you can get him to go there, there's even more. No guarantees, but what do you have to lose?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

How could you get turned on when you are harboring a lot of hard feelings about your husband? You also may have expectations colored by popular culture that are not realistic.

I think that often low drive has to do with feelings about your partner. Are you guys in couples counseling? I think it would help you deal with a lot of the issues your marriage is facing and give you both tools to get close and reconnected.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Gemma said:


> I respond to partners who are sexually aggressive and dominant and my husband is not that way. I have finally got him to agree not to whine about sex because that is for sure a huge turnoff for me. What can I do to feel the desire, or suggest to him to inspire the desire in me? I have told him before to just "do" it, just have passion, throw me down, etc. and it NEVER happens.


Well, the women's movement and liberal media have been feeding men tales for about 40 years now that all the things you like in bed are disrespectful and denigrating. You know, like being dominated just makes you a sex object. Is it any wonder he's grown up a pacifist in bed.

Another success story for feminism.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> How could you get turned on when you are harboring a lot of hard feelings about your husband? You also may have expectations colored by popular culture that are not realistic.
> 
> I think that often low drive has to do with feelings about your partner. Are you guys in couples counseling? I think it would help you deal with a lot of the issues your marriage is facing and give you both tools to get close and reconnected.


100% agree with Laurae. 

I hear hurt in you post and its hard to feel amorous while feeling hurt. Those 2 emotions can't occupy the same space. You need some resolution to at least some of the things that he is doing to cause those type feelings. Most guys are not good at doing exactly what needs to be done here and that's air out emotions. couples counseling is the way to go if ya'll are unable to bridge that gap on your on. But you'll probably have to drag him kicking and screaming into it. He is not going to want to do it judge by your post.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

I know that you just can't get the negative feelings you have for your husband right away. 

But you have to understand that the only for you to get what you want from him in bed is to first let go of these negative feelings.

Try using the Sedona Method or doing some sort of meditation. Yoga is a very popular method to achieve some sort of inner peace. Not to mention that it also relaxes you and eases the stress you feel.

Come to think of it, are you doing some exercises like cardio on a regular basis?

In my experience, it really helps a lot in being emotionally stable.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For starters, quit comparing him sexually to your previous non-husband partners. I could just concentrate on having great sex with the single women I've dated, too. Hopping into bed with one of those was easy. My wife is not only my sexual partner but my work partner, my financial partner, my housework partner, co-property owner, etc, etc. I can't just jump her bones and drive her home. 
You probably relied very little upon and expected very little from your old boyfriends. They probably didn't expect much from you, either. To get ready for sex with them, you just had to show up. Before you can be ready for sex with your husband, you've got to find someplace to put all that baggage that's been collecting since the last time you were intimate with him. It's probably going to take a little more planning and a little more time each time you want to transition between "life partner" and "sex partner". I think that's just normal. With a boyfriend, you could relax because the stakes weren't that high. If the relationship didn't feel right, you could toss him and find another. You're heavily invested in your husband and his shortcomings probably represent greater weight. You imagine you'll have to change him or learn to live with something you don't like for the rest of your life. 
Married sex is just different. I personally think it's better but, either way, it is different.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do you want to change? All I got from your note was you resented having to deal with the fallout. And most of the fallout you already ameliorated with his new lack of whining. Seems to me you're on a terminal glide path and you simply need a way of handling that as a couple.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gem it's not uncommon for men and women to harbor unrealistic expectations of what marriage entails. It's not a constant diet of romance but even better. It can be a deep sense of love, caring and friendship for another that you don't feel with anyone else. But you have to let go of romantic notions and learn how to make it work. 

Resentment is common if communication is poor and fighting is "dirty" especially for women. We have a tendency to hold on to memories of past wrongs. However, if he is sayng mean things to you then I can see why you are losing sexual attraction for him. Women need to feel connected to a man and feel loved to maintain an attraction. Careless words are a definite buz killer for women but not usually for men. 

Does your husband know the effect his words have on your desire for him? Is he willing to be careful what he says to avoid turning you off to him? If he knows and continues then he must be willing to accept the consequences. You can put it to him in the form of a boundery, you will not longer accept careless words from him he can say them if he wants but you will not stay around to listen or stay engaged with him. It's up to him. 

There is a lot going on in your marriage and I think you need a their party to help. Would MC be a possibility for you and your husband? If he does not go then you go alone, it will still help. It may also help to get some relationship books." His needs her needs" and "the five love languages" are two good ones.

Men think very differently from women; we are both wired differently due to male and female hormones. You should both learn about this; if your husband is not interested then you do the reading in your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gemma (Jul 7, 2011)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have many times communicated to him that his lack of respect when we are arguing makes it hard for me to get turned on because I don't see him as the sexy husband I want but the jerk who yelled two days ago. He has promised to work on it, after I had a breakdown last night. I told him that I was tired of feeling like a doormat and if I didn't love him I wouldn't care how he treated me during an argument. I honestly don't know where his attitude comes from (for instance, last night he yelled because I wanted to watch a show and then he flipped me off!-I hate that so much and I'm sure that's why he does it). Neither of us were raised that way. It is like we'll have one good "session" together, everything will be good for a day or two, then back to bad again. I have bought him a book before and he did not read it. So I think I will try an audio book.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Gemma said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone. I have many times communicated to him that his lack of respect when we are arguing makes it hard for me to get turned on because I don't see him as the sexy husband I want but the jerk who yelled two days ago. He has promised to work on it, after I had a breakdown last night. I told him that I was tired of feeling like a doormat and if I didn't love him I wouldn't care how he treated me during an argument. I honestly don't know where his attitude comes from (for instance, last night he yelled because I wanted to watch a show and then he flipped me off!-I hate that so much and I'm sure that's why he does it). Neither of us were raised that way. It is like we'll have one good "session" together, everything will be good for a day or two, then back to bad again. I have bought him a book before and he did not read it. So I think I will try an audio book.


Yah - I wouldn't be able to feel much desire for a man who yelled at me and flipped me off either. He seems very immature.

I guess the key would be to always keep your cool with him. Even if he acts like a child, you don't have to devolve in to that. Maybe if he can see someone acting like an adult, he will get the hint and act like one too.  

I would continue to let him know that his childish actions are like him throwing a bucket of water on your desire "fire". And YOU keep marching forward in your life calmly, coolly, and confidently. Hopefully he'll get the hint.

Best Wishes.


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