# 10 days past D-Day. I'm the WW. Advice..? Please?



## RepentantWife (Jul 10, 2011)

Hey everyone, so I've been lurking for about 2 weeks now. Ya'll give really good, level headed advice and that's what I really need right now. I've attempted posting on one other board and was completely shut down by people that negated my issue. Hopefully that won't happen here. **cross fingers**

This is gunna be a long one.
Little background story. I'm 24 and my husband, C, is 29. We've been together for 4 years now, married on October 9th 2010. When we first met it was a bad time for both of us. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman we'll call A. They had not been married but they'd been together for 7 years. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a man named B, we had been together for 4 years. Terrible relationship. Physically, emotionally abusive. I used to compare him to heroin. C and I dated for four months. We went through a LOT during this time. It wasn't the healthiest relationship.. lots of drinking. But we completely and utterly fell for each other. During that time my mom was in rehab, and then hospitalized and put on a ventilator for pnemonia. She almost died. (she passed July 2009). He was amazing during this time, it kind of "fast forwarded" our emotional relationship. My family almost completely abandoned me so this guy that I had only known a month completely stepped up to the plate. He was on the hospital's emergency call list listed as my husband if they couldn't get in touch with me. During this time we were also dealing with his ex, A, calling constantly. He was also going through his own grieving process with that relationship and still paying her bills. It was a pretty classic case of right people, wrong time. Our relationship started falling apart about 3 months into it. He pulled out almost completely. Pushed me away, didn't want me around. Would ask me to "wait for him" and then avoid me for a days only to repeat the process. This is where I made my huge horrible mistake. I decided I wanted to break it off but 2 days before I did I had oral sex with my ex, B. I completely own this. I should have left before I ever did that. It's no one else's fault but my own.

For the next 2 months after we broke up I moved in with my ex, B. This was a terrible idea that, obviously, became abusive once again. Physically and emotionally. We had sex 2 or 3 times without a condom. I have been tested since then. I would spend time with C, make out and then go back home to B to get drunk. I consistently lied about where I was living to C. I am disgusted with my behavior during this time. There is no excuse for it. After B and I broke our "relationship" off I spent a little time working on myself. I got a job I actually enjoyed, stopped partying, cut off all contact with B, and even read some self help books. 2 months later C and I got back together. We rebuilt our relationship, without the alcohol. We've had a great relationship ever since. I did text B about 2 months into getting back together with C because he had texted me to tell me he was in the town I work in and I asked him if he could jump my car that had died. He never jumped it, but he became obsessed with me once again. Started emailing me and texting me. I told him in no uncertain terms, infront of C, that I was not leaving my family, I was happy and that I was blocking his phone number. There's been complete NC since then. The problem is I never told C where I was for those 2 months or that I had sex with B. OR that I had oral sex with B two days before I broke up with C. I even lied about it when C asked me point blank.

It feels like ever since we got married things have been getting worse. I've been horribly depressed, gained 20lbs, sleep all the time etc.. I really believe it's because of the guilt I feel. I should have told him before we got married. I feel like he decided to marry me on dishonest terms. So a month ago I told him. It's been up and down ever since. He's completely and utterly heartbroken. He goes back and forth from being livid, disgusted with me to begging me to make it all better and clinging very hard to me. I've deleted my facebook. I am completely transparent, he has access to my phone, phone bills and texts at all times. I text him to let him know where I am at all times. He has my work schedule. He has the passwords to all my emails. He decides who I go to for advice about this, he even approved this post. We both agree that we want to try and make our marriage work. We've read multiple self help marriage books, trying to apply strategies. I'm trying to accept his anger and not let it get to me. I deserve it. But it's getting harder and harder. We get into severe verbal arguments that I feel are further damaging our relationship. I'm terrified that even if we can come back from the cheating we won't be able to come back from the fallout we cause. We're both verbally abusive when we argue. I try not to be, I try to understand where he's coming from and understand his anger, but eventually my defenses just can't be turned off anymore and I start yelling. But other areas of our marriage have gotten much better! Our sex life is amazing... we're talking every day here! He's actually communicating with me. Talking to me. We go for a 45 minute walk every night just to talk and focus on one another without the TV, dogs, house etc... We text each other all day. I've been dieting and taking better care of the way I look before I see him. Before we would go to bed at different times. I work from 8am-6:30pm and he works from 1pm-10pm, so I would pick him up from work at 10 then eat dinner and then I would go to bed about 2 and he would be up until 5. Now we're going to bed at the same time and he wakes up at 9am now. This has greatly improved out intimacy and sex life. But I still feel like a yo-yo. I'm not saying I don't deserve this. I do. But how do I deal with it? Just because I deserve it doesn't make me invulnerable to the pain OR the resentment it brings. 

Any advice....? Please....? I've had some, probably well meaning, folks try to convince me that he's overreacting and it isn't "really" cheating but irregardless we both feel that it was. So, please don't try to change my mind on this.Any other input is more then welcome.


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## RepentantWife (Jul 10, 2011)

Sorry, I meant one month past D-Day


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Was it cheating? Technically, yes. Is your husband overreacting? Yes.

Your husband needs to let it go, or let you go. You owned up to it, you've offered transparency, you are reporting your position like a GPS unit. You made a mistake, now he needs to "man-up" and either consider your action a deal breaker or forgive you. That's what MEN do. They don't hang a mistake over their wives forever and use it against them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Keep in mind that what your husband is experiencing is called the emotional roller coaster. On some days he is high as a bird and everything in the world is great, then other days he's completely despondent with so much anger and resentment towards you that he lashes out at you.

It's great that the two of you seem to be improving in other vital areas of your individual lives and marriage - keep up the good work. But please consider going to a proven marriage counselor that can help the two of you learn how to constructively handle each other when those dark days rear their ugly head. As you've seen defensiveness only fuels his rage which in turn feeds your defensiveness. As tough as it is, consider simply agreeing with him until his rage subsides and he is back to feeling better and be your loving husband. Nevertheless, a good marriage counselor is probably necessary to help the two of you to move on.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

I agree with BigToe. This happened before you got married and your were basically broken up. It was cheating, he is overreacting.

I'm not minimize what you did, but look at your relationship with C when you went back to B. It was going bad, you had little trust in him. You have taken ownership and are being completely open.

I would suggest you find a good marriage counselor, or other organization wanting to save marriages. I live in New Mexico and there is a group here called New Mexico Marriages First Project. If you are not in NM, maybe call them and see if they know of an organization in your area. (of course I am assuming you are in the US.)

They are not really marriage counselors, they are more a group that helps couples communicate.

New Mexico Marriages First Project-Home


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Did you tell him for his sake, or you own? It sure sounds like your H is Plan B. Not sure how this one will end.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

@Repentant Life

This part is to your husband because he needs to know this. So when I say "You", I am referring to him. Your wife has done everything that can be expected of a WS, in order to help you heal. She has apologized and given you complete transparency. It's now up to you to see what she is doing for you to help you heal from this. You are on the same emotional rollercoaster that all of us BS's go through. It seems like you need some individual counseling to help you deal with these emotions. Every argument you and your wife get into is counterproductive to what you are both trying to accomplish. You are sowing seeds of resentment that will kill what's left of your marriage. You still need to get these emotions out and an IC is best for that and can help you cope with these emotions. Yes, your wife messed up. I really don't think it's as bad as you are taking it, but your feelings are your feelings and you still need to be able to forgive and heal. 

This part is to your wife and from here on when I refer to "You", I am referring to her. First of all, I think you are doing everything you can to help him heal from this. You are doing a great job, so keep up the good work. :smthumbup: Most BS's would love for their WS to do even half of what you've done. This emotional rollercoaster he is on will eventually subside and the arguments will become less and less. You have owned what you've done and you have a long road ahead of you. It takes a couple of years for a BS to heal, or so that seems to be the trend. I'm personally 49 days out from D-Day, so I wouldn't know for sure. My wife has done almost everything that you have and we don't argue as much as we did the first month. Your husband is hurt and vulnerable at this point. He is going to have thoughts or mind-movies of what you and your ex did together. These are going to spark feelings of anger and resentment towards you for awhile. You need to understand this and be willing to live with it. Just be there for him and stop lashing out at him when he lashes out at you. Listen to his feelings, validate them, and comfort him. He really just wants to know that you are truly remorseful and that you really do love him and no one else. Don't just tell him this, show it to him. If you persevere and overcome this, you both can have a wonderful life together. You need to get individual counseling as well. I know you have emotions and thoughts that you may be afraid to show/say to you husband. You have to have a place that you can let these out and not feel like you're being judged. The IC can help you deal with these. 

Now, this is to the both of you. Go and get marriage counseling. It will help you both learn how to deal with obstacles that come up in the marriage and help you learn how to communicate effectively. You are both killing your marriage when you argue and emotionally abuse each other. I wish you both the best of luck with your marriage.


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## RepentantWife (Jul 10, 2011)

Thank ya'll so much for your insight!! This is exactly what we needed.


BigToe
I appreciate your bluntness. It's a huge help to have a man's perspective. I can only try to understand his emotions, etc... but my emotions generally are different, or at least come from a different place. I think this is why he's been frustrated lately. He feels he should "man up" and just deal with it, but can't. 

Morituri
Thank you, I think that's going to be the best thing is just to empathize and keep my head down. He keeps telling me to "redirect" his thoughts when he's upset but everything I've tried doesn't seem to work. I cry, he gets upset because I'm "making it about me", I try to be goofy, I'm making fun of him, I try to give him some space, he follows me. So, I'm going to try just not arguing and listening to him.

MrDude
We're in Louisiana, but I've been looking for similiar organizations. We don't have insurance but I got him on a waiting list to see a counseler at a local church, they also have us on the list for couples counseling. Unfortunately, it's a 1-3week list.

Locard
I think part of me told him for me. I feel weak because of that, like I couldn't protect our marriage from my guilt. I did feel better after I told him. But, I believe it was also affecting the way I interacted with him daily putting a strain on our marriage. My mistake there, I believe, is not recognizing my own weakness and thinking that I wouldn't be affected by the guilt. I should have realized what it would do to me and told him in the beginning. I can understand how it seems he's Plan B, but he isn't. I love him with all of my heart and soul. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, but honestly never thought existed. He's my dream come true and I'm terrified that I've ruined that.

RestlessinGeorgia
Thank you so much! My husband is reading this entire thread so that was really helpful to him to have something directed at him. I think he wants to reply but he's in the shower, and I'm already running late for work, so I'm going to try to get him to sit down and reply when I get home. Like I said to moritori we are on a waiting list for couples counseling. I also have him on a waiting list for IC. I have a IC appt. this friday, my gp referred me to a sliding scale place so I didn't have to go on the waiting list. I'm really looking forward to it. 

I appreciate the time everyone took to reply. Thank you again.


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## RepentantWife (Jul 10, 2011)

So we have a sooner counseling session scheduled. Yay! More expensive because it isn't sliding scale, but we can get in by Monday instead of three weeks. So yay! 

Last night was a little bit better. But, I think we're back on a down slope today. 

He says he's having a hard time kissing me because it hurts. He tells me "he doesn't know where my mouth has been". It kills me that I've done this to our marriage. It kills me that there's nothing I can say or do to make him believe me. I know I did this. I just wish I could turn off how much he's able to hurt me. I wish I could love him and support him in a vacuum and it wouldn't matter how mean he is to me but I don't know how... But on the other hand if I'm hoping for him to get through what I did it's the least that I can do is get through his anger.

Just needed to vent a little bit. Thanks for listening.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If as you say, your H-----left you during the time you had sex with B---then basically you were on your own, and not in a relationship-----Yes you screwed up in choosing not to tell him, ---BUT----enuff is enuff

Its time the abuse ended, and it is verbal abuse, tied in with him trying to completely control your every move, and him having his temper tantrums,---its time your H. grew up, and its time your H., puts this all to rest

Here is the test----BUT FOR your H---telling you he was done, and cutting you loose, we wouldn't be having this discussion----If you were loose, and on your own, and wanted sex with someone---that is your business----You were, what, together for 3 months, you weren't tied to him in any way, when he told you he wanted out, so enuff is enuff

Lets come back to now----you need to stop torturing yourself, with the humiliation, and shame, and your H., needs to grow up

You need to face up to him, and tell him, enuff is enuff---he needs to end the drama, cuz in all reality, he is acting like a drama queen------once again---he in no uncertain terms cut you loose, when you went back to B---AND AT THAT POINT IN TIME, YOU DID NOT KNOW WHERE YOUR FUTURE WAS GOING TO GO

Tell your H., that you want your mge, and you will do what is needed, but the two of you need to end this master/slave relationship

You need to do what a proper wife would do, and he needs to act like a proper H----enuff with him giving orders like you were a slave, and you following them, cuz he wants to be a drama queen.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

RepentantWife,

The following is for your husband to read:

Mr RW

As another forum member said, EVERYBODY has a past and that means almost all of us were sexually intimate with others before we met our spouses. Were you a virgin when you met your wife? If not then how can you hold her accountable of where 'her mouth has been' when the same could be said about yours? If you were a virgin and want a virgin woman's mouth then stop stringing her along, divorce her and go find yourself a virgin. But if you truly love her and want to stay married to her, then fight the images by immediately replacing them with beautiful ones where the two of you are happy together. Do it before it's too late.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

RepentantWife,

I have to agree with everyone else on here at this point. I understand how upset your husband is about what you did before you were married. My wife and I were on a break prior to getting married and she slept with someone that I later found out about. I stupidly held this against her and it caused arguments that shouldn't have happened, because we were not together at the time and I hadn't even proposed to her. So, there were no concrete plans on marrying each other. I felt the exact same way your husband does and guess what, it was wrong, ignorant, and childish of me to do. It caused so many problems and so much resentment that my wife did eventually sleep with another man while we were married and I was the person that drove her to make that choice. I'm not responsible for the affair, just the conditions that led up to it.

You have already done all that can be expected of you to do. You told him about it, you are showing remorse and understanding of his feelings, however over the TOP they are. The verbal abuse needs to stop at this point from him. Have you done anything since you've been married to make him feel like you would cheat on him? If not and he has never had any questions or concerns about your fidelity since you've been married, then he needs to move on from this. I still recommend marriage counseling and individual counseling for him. He is doing irreparable damage to the marriage in the way that he's behaving. Did you mess up? Yes. Should he have known this before you two got married? Yes. Is he overreacting? Very much so? 

Now he needs to make a decision once and for all. He either needs to stay and accept what has happened without any further mistreatment of you, or he needs to divorce you. If he continues to verbally abuse you, then I would recommend you leaving. You can't live like this and don't deserve to live like this. Everyone has a past prior to getting married and it should never be held against them in any way. 

I hate to say this, but your husband is probably going to dismiss everything on this website after seeing all these replies. We are all definitely against cheating, but also very much against abuse of any kind, whether it be emotional, verbal, physical, etc. You guys are a month out from you telling him about this, sheesh.


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