# My marriage is better when my husband is away



## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum. I'm glad to be here.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. It's been a good year mostly, but there have been countless arguments in between. The last argument we had before today was about three months ago when my husband left for training. He had just gotten a job with a flatbed carrier and he had to go out of state for his training. At the time we were living with a family friend because our apartment was flooded in flies due to a death in our complex (It was even more terrible than it sounds).

I don't even remember what we were arguing about, but it was starting to get heated. I hurled an insult at him and left to get myself together in the bathroom. My husband followed me so I locked the door, and much to my shock my husband completely tore down the door and grabbed me by my arm and started yelling at me again. That was a pretty scary moment for me and I think for him, as well. This was an isolated incident. I did get physical once when I was with him early on in our marriage: I grabbed him by his wrists and spoke pretty sharply in his face. We have never gotten farther than that, most of our fights are just verbal.

Our relationship only started to improve after he left for training. He was gone for weeks at a time and when he did come back we only spent a few days together. I thought the time apart wasn't going to be helpful to our marriage, but it turned out that space was exactly what we needed. Our phone calls to each other were pleasant, even better than we had treated each other when we were physically together. Honestly, things just became so relaxed when I was at home.

Well, today my husband called me to talk about taxes, and he told me to get all of my documents together so we could go to our CPA and get our taxes done the next time he came back. The problem is that this CPA and I don't get along anymore, and my husband knows that. He even told me that he would be willing to just get our taxes done for us without me having to be there. I responded in a way that I thought was firm, but gentle. I told him I didn't want to get my taxes done with him and that I'd like to try someone else this year. I have had a problem speaking up for myself in the past, hence why some of our arguments have escalated in the past. I let things build up and I get angry. 

He did become escalated over the phone and became really frustrated with me. He mentioned a few different things. He said that he doesn't understand why I have to make life difficult for him, he asked me if I realized I had to get my taxes done this year and why I wasn't worried about it like he was, and he said a couple other things that just seemed really insulting to me. When I tried to explain to him that I would find someone else who could do our taxes before he comes home next week he kept pushing this issue of why I don't want to go to this CPA. 

I felt like my husband was being super disrespectful on the phone. I'm fine if we disagree but my husband really kept pushing and pushing me on the phone. He wanted me to explain a few different times why I wasn't okay with us going to this accountant. I'm a sensitive person and I started crying on the phone. He told me that I always explode like this and he told me how much stress I was putting him under. He said he only had a few days to be home, and I was throwing a wrench in our plans. Things progressed from there and we went back and forth for a while.

I don't want to do about my marriage anymore because of how much stress I'm under. I married my husband because I loved him, but we also needed to get his green card. I hate to say this but sometimes I wonder if my husband is using me. But why would we argue so much in our marriage if he was just using me to get his green card? We have talked about having kids and moving out of state, why would he talk about these things with me if he truly did not care about me? We used to share our finances with each other, but now we don't. He's said that we are going to get a joint bank account together in the future, but now's he saying that we will do it after we pay off our debt. I was okay with these things, but now they just seem like red flags.

We have had a lot of problems in our marriage but I always thought we could work through them. But the day he tore down the bathroom door I realized that maybe things weren't going to be able to work themselves out. I was scared in that moment, but could I have just pushed him over the edge? I am still living with my friend while he is out on the road. We could not go back to our old apartment so we were planning on moving in three months from now. However, I have really started to doubt if that is the right decision or not. I would be farther away from my family and friends, and if we get into another argument I'm not sure who I'd have for support.

My husband is an incredibly hard worker. He is very responsible and I've always admired him for that. I think he does love me. He promised we would go to marriage counseling after he broke down the door, but he almost immediately backtracked on that offer. I feel very sad right now, I don't want to go back to how things were before. And I would like to move into a home of our own with my husband, but I can't like this. Can someone please offer some insight? 

A few hours ago I called him again, and he told me he had spoken to a marriage counselor that day. I hope he did but I won't believe it until he makes an appointment for us. I have told him multiple times throughout the course of our marriage that he needs to work on the respect he has for me. The way he speaks to me is insulting. Today he told me I need to look up what respect means in a dictionary if he thinks the way he is treating me is a lack of respect.

This is my fault too; I let it get this bad. I have let a lot of things slide and I probably should have sought our therapy for myself. 

I know that I'm asking the opinions of outsiders, but I'm not sure who else to turn to for advice. Thank you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Has you H ever had any anger management therapy?*


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

I'm not sure, I don't think so. If so he has never spoken about it. I know when he was younger he got kicked out of school a couple of times and his mom put him in Scientology life improvement classes. But that should definitely not be considered anger management classes- he took me to their church after he broke the door. It's definitely a weird part of his life, but he is not into it as much anymore. It was a much bigger part of his life in his early twenties.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is the purpose of you two moving out of state?


That incident with him breaking down the door and going after you? That's called domestic violence. He is 100% responsible for his actions. You did not drive him to do that. It was his choice to do it.

What is the big deal about him with the CPA? Why is he so set on using the guy? Has he used this CPA for a long time? Are your taxes really all that complicated that you have to use a CPA to do them? That would be over kill for most people. If you don't like the CPA, then the two of you should look for someone that you both can trust and get along with.

If I were you, with what you posted here, I would not move out of state with your husband. He is abusive. Abusers seek to isolate their partner from their support system. Moving you away from your family would give him much more control over you. 

This does not sound good at all.


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## somewhereovertheclouds (Feb 26, 2017)

Hey,

I hope it helps you to know that I am in the exact same boat as you-in fact even worse off than you since my marriage is only two and a half months old and since then and now, i honestly cannot tell you the number of times we have argued badly. 

Trusted people have been telling me that it is apparently like this in the beginning for many people although equally, you will find people who have jumped straight into their honeymoon period. For those who have told me the former, have placed it down to the cause being 'early adjustment issues.' I don't know what to think and what to believe. Literally from the third day of my marriage, it all started. The rows and the infinite silent treatments. We spent the whole month not speaking to one another and he would always resort to sleeping on the couch even though I have told him time and time again how unhealthy for our marriage. I begged and I pleaded for days on end until I felt powerless and suicidal. I saw a 'dead end' right in front of my eyes. Suddenly a surge of adrenaline would run through my body when I would least expect. That might be while I was out shopping, walking to the bus-stop etc. This feeling was foreign to me. I realized that what I was feeling was extreme anxiety. I became scared of my husband and deeply at unrest in his present. I felt all alone. I didn't know what was happening to my life- how it suddenly within the blink of an eye changed dramatically. I couldn't see the future so I felt deeply miserable, depressed and suicidal. 

Skip to now, things still have not changed fully. There are some improvement but often in exchange for another new and horrible habit. So if there is one minus of his horrible and upsetting behavior, another one would replace it. I am very lost in my life right now. I need help like you. I really do. So even though i cannot offer you a suggestion or an opinion on your matter, i just want you to know that you are not alone in experiencing this. Perhaps this might help. Please keep me informed of how things are going. I have been longing to talk to someone.


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## somewhereovertheclouds (Feb 26, 2017)

You are very right El Girl. I agree with you 100% you could not have put it better. To get the lady away is a possible scheme. ofourse there is the potential that it is not also, but given his track record, i would lean more towards it being a plan to isolate so he may have full control. This would mean that there will be less exposure of his behavioral outbursts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

somewhereovertheclouds said:


> Hey,
> 
> I hope it helps you to know that I am in the exact same boat as you-in fact even worse off than you since my marriage is only two and a half months old and since then and now, i honestly cannot tell you the number of times we have argued badly.
> 
> ...


You might want to open your own thread so that we can help you with your issues.

But I do have a question for you.. has your husband also been physically violent towards you?


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

I will PM you. Sorry to hear that.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

somewhereovertheclouds said:


> You are very right El Girl. I agree with you 100% you could not have put it better. To get the lady away is a possible scheme. ofourse there is the potential that it is not also, but given his track record, i would lean more towards it being a plan to isolate so he may have full control. This would mean that there will be less exposure of his behavioral outbursts.


Hello! Thank you offering your insight. Us moving to a different state was a plan I had originally. The state in which we live is so expensive. My husband is not pushing the issue as much anymore, but I think that's because we don't have much money to move just yet. The reason I'm having second thoughts is that I also realize that I can't make the move without having some sort of support system in place for myself. My husband is a wonderful man but he turns into someone else when he is angry. He wants his way all the time and it's unfair. Him going into this trucking career was his choice and one that I had to support, which I did because I loved him. I'm not a perfect person myself but I can't handle how little disregard he has for what I want to do in my life. God forbid I want to offer a suggestion, if he doesn't agree with it, full blown fight ensues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@whitepicketfence His anger is a problem that cannot be ignored.

A side question, why don't you get on with your CPA, any more?

Can't you use a different CPA?


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

Our taxes are not complicated at all to do! We are both employees, it's a very simple process to get our taxes done. That's why I didn't think it was such a big deal to mention us going somewhere else. This guy speaks Spanish, and I don't speak Spanish all that well. He made a comment to me that I took as offensive, and I made a big deal about it. My husband says that I misunderstood him, but I still don't want to go back there. I told my husband that I didn't want to go back there because I didn't like the service, and he says that I'm still hung up over an incident that happened a year ago. He told me I'm making such a big deal about it when I'm not. All I said was I don't want to go back there. To me, it's the same as saying I don't want to go back to a restaurant or a nail salon, you know?

I feel like I pushed my husband over the edge when he broke down the door. I was yelling at him.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @whitepicketfence His anger is a problem that cannot be ignored.
> 
> A side question, why don't you get on with your CPA, any more?
> 
> Can't you use a different CPA?


Last year when we were doing our taxes he made a comment to me in Spanish that I supposedly did not understand, according to my husband. I thought he was saying my taxes are a mess, and because I'm a little too sensitive, I got a little bit offended and I told him it wasn't his place to make comments like that, it was his job to help me. So, I'm not too comfortable walking inside that office again. But I guess in Spanish it came off different. My husband said I overreacted, I can agree with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

somewhereovertheclouds said:


> Trusted people have been telling me that it is apparently like this in the beginning for many people although equally, you will find people who have jumped straight into their honeymoon period.


The following is addressed to both whitepicketfence and somewhereovertheclouds:

It is true that some couples have a hard time adjusting to life together after marriage. But, there is trouble and then there it TROUBLE.

A lot of the measure of whether or not the relationship is one that you need to run from, or whether it is simply a case of adjustment is the nature of the arguments/fighting.

If it turns physically violent, then that's not ok and a huge warning that it is not safe to stay in the marriage. Some people put on a good show before marriage and are on good behavior until they are married. Once married, they feel safe to show their angry and violent nature.

If a couple is having a hard time adjusting to marriage and experience a lot of angry outbursts and even violence, it's a bad idea to just accept is as 'adjustment'. Instead it needs to be handled as a serious problem. Both need to get into marriage counseling, and perhaps anger management counseling/class ASAP.

It is normal to have some problems adjusting to marriage. It is not normal or healthy to have all this anger and violence going on.

There is zero justification for things to escalate to the point that you describe. When things escalate like this, it means that there is HUGE problem that must be taken care of or the marriage just needs to end. A person who is emotionally healthy might still have a problem adjusting to sharing a home and all aspects of life with their new spouse. But they handle it without the angry outbursts, violence and verbal/emotional abuse.

Anger, violence, emotional/verbal abuse are used for control. Abusers use these as tools to beat down the other person to gain control of them. They will often also try to isolate their spouse from their family and friends. It's much easier to control a person who has no support system.

Do you think that he has no control over his angry outbursts and other controlling behaviors? He has 100% control over these. Did he behave this way when you were dating before marriage? Does he behave this way towards other when he's upset at work? out shopping? at social events? Or does he only behave this way in private with you, or at least only towards you? Yep... only in private and with you. He has 100% control over this behavior. It's a tool that he is using to break you down.

You both might want to read the book *"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"*

You have a part in this problem too. You also have 100% control over your part in the angry outburst and ugly arguments. You can stop them in their tracks. 
Humans have the ability to control their own behavior and their own reaction to things. Sure, when things start to escalate, a person has an immediate reaction. But after that split second reaction, the person has 100% control over how they act. You need to learn to control your own reactions/actions.

I’m speaking from experience here. I was I a marriage that turned into what you describe over time. We started out in the honeymoon stage. But over time my husband turned angry and abusive. The angry and more abusive he was, the more I tried to reason, explain, etc. And yes, I too would lose it verbally. It got to the point that he became physically violent on a regular basis. At one point I read the book “The Dance of Anger”. That book woke me up to the fact that I was part of the problem. That I had 100% control over my joining in the angry outbursts and letting things escalate. And further that I could put a stop to most of the arguing and fighting. How? By me refusing to engage in them. It takes two to argue and fight. So stop your part and there will be no more (or few) angry fights/arguments. The book also described how to do this. I call it the “STOP” method. It works. After about 10 years of hell, I was able to at least stop the angry outbursts and my husband being violent to me.

Here is how it works:

First off you have to realize that when things start to escalate, verbally defending yourself, trying to explain, and so forth will only serve to escalate the argument/fight. So stop doing that. The point is to only interact with your husband the two of you are clam, thoughtful and able to work together to reach a solution.

As I said earlier, you have 100% control how you act/react even when things start to escalate. You know when an interaction between the two of you is about to escalate. That is the point at which you stop interacting and separate. 

When you recognize this point, before it escalates, you put up your hand in the stop sign and say firmly “STOP”. If he does not stop arguing/going-at-you, repeat the stop hand gesture and saying “STOP” once or twice more. Then say something like “This is escalating. I’m done for now.” And walk away. Go to another room, go for a walk, go for a ride. Just get away from him. If you have small children, take the children with you.

If he follows you and keeps yelling, etc., go to a room and lock the door. Hopefully he will walk away and go clam down. If he starts banging on the door, yelling, etc…. tell him through the door that if he does not stop you will call 911. If he is breaking down the door and/or does not stop yelling through the door, call 911. He needs to learn that this behavior is unacceptable and that you will call in the police to keep yourself safe.

I had to teach myself to use the “STOP” method and to make to my automatic reaction when I could tell that things were going to escalate. So I practiced this in front of a mirror. I would stand there and imagine arguments/fights that we had in the past. And when in my mind’s eye I could see the point at which things were about to escalate, I would put up my hand in the stop signal and say “STOP” out loud and tell him that I was going to leave so that things could clam down. I felt pretty stupid standing in front of that mirror doing this over and over again. But I did it until this was my automatic response to any argument/fight escalating. Today, 25 some years later it is still my reaction anytime any interaction with anyone gets out of hand.

Now what I did was, as suggested by the book, to have a talk about this before I started it. I told him that the arguments and violence were just not acceptable and I was not going to live like that. Plus, he was constantly saying hideous things to me that once they were out of his mouth he could not take back. These are things that I would not be able to purge from my mind. So I would no longer engage in any arguments with him. And I told him that I when I could tell that things were about to turn into a bad argument I would put up my hand in the stop sign and say “STOP”. At that point I would walk way and take at least an hour to collect myself. And he likewise was responsible for calming himself down. I would call 911 if it got violent. Then we could talk about the topic later if need be, in a calm and thoughtful manner.

Within a few weeks of me doing the “STOP” thing, the angry outbursts/fights/violence stopped.

This is called setting boundaries. You need stronger boundaries. Boundaries are not about you telling someone else who to behave. They are about you setting the limits (boundaries) to what you are willing to live with in your life.

Here are two boundaries that you need in your life.

I will not engage in angry outburst/arguments.
I will not allow myself to be emotionally, verbally or physically abused
I will not be bullied into doing things that I do not agree with.

There are some good books out there about how to set boundaries. You would benefit from reading one or two of them.

Other books that you and your husband would benefit from are “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. See the links to them in my signature block below. These books are for you and your husband to read. They will help you re-structure your relationship into one that is healthy.

And if all that does not fix your married and it continues as is, you are in a toxic marriage and need to end it. Better to do that sooner than later. Better not to waste your life in a bad marriage. You have only one life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> Hello! Thank you offering your insight. Us moving to a different state was a plan I had originally. The state in which we live is so expensive. My husband is not pushing the issue as much anymore, but I think that's because we don't have much money to move just yet. The reason I'm having second thoughts is that I also realize that I can't make the move without having some sort of support system in place for myself. My husband is a wonderful man but he turns into someone else when he is angry. He wants his way all the time and it's unfair. Him going into this trucking career was his choice and one that I had to support, which I did because I loved him. I'm not a perfect person myself but I can't handle how little disregard he has for what I want to do in my life. God forbid I want to offer a suggestion, if he doesn't agree with it, full blown fight ensues.


Do a google search on "Cycle of Abuse" and learn about it. That's what you are caught up in. Abusers do not abuse 100% of the time. If he did, you would have run away a long time ago. Instead they are nice and even charming most of the time. But, like your husband, they escalate to the abuse/controlling behavior when they feel that they are losing control and/or not getting their way.

I highly suggest that you get into individual counseling for victims of abuse. Find an organization near you that specializes in this. Most of them have a sliding scale for fees and if your income is low enough it would be free for you.

Here is a link that will help you find a place near where you live. *The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> The following is addressed to both whitepicketfence and somewhereovertheclouds:
> 
> It is true that some couples have a hard time adjusting to life together after marriage. But, there is trouble and then there it TROUBLE.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. You're right I don't set strong boundaries and engage in the angry outbursts too. I'm very dependent on my husband for emotional support and I need to stop doing this. I will follow your advice. I've been putting my life on the back burner so we can follow my husband's plans, me always having to accommodate him. Hopefully, I will be able to get myself into individual counseling this week or the next. My husband did mention marriage counseling yesterday but I have a hard time believing him as he's gone back on his promises before. 

Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. I hope that I can be strong enough to take this step forward and go into counseling.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Do a google search on "Cycle of Abuse" and learn about it. That's what you are caught up in. Abusers do not abuse 100% of the time. If he did, you would have run away a long time ago. Instead they are nice and even charming most of the time. But, like your husband, they escalate to the abuse/controlling behavior when they feel that they are losing control and/or not getting their way.
> 
> I highly suggest that you get into individual counseling for victims of abuse. Find an organization near you that specializes in this. Most of them have a sliding scale for fees and if your income is low enough it would be free for you.
> 
> Here is a link that will help you find a place near where you live. *The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*


Thank you, I'm going to go ahead and do that. I was looking at this hotline yesterday, but it's hard to believe that I'm stuck in this situation. I never thought this would happen to me. I still feel partially responsible because I've had my fair share of problems in the past too. My father died three years ago and I've been very depressed since then and developed an anxiety disorder. Slowly I've been rebuilding my life, but I always thought my husband would be a part of my life. Now I feel like I'm starting from scratch all over again. Now I'm not so sure. Can people like my husband ever change?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

What excellent advice. This is going straight to my Top Tips from TAM file. Thank you for your wisdom @EleGirl





EleGirl said:


> The following is addressed to both whitepicketfence and somewhereovertheclouds:
> 
> It is true that some couples have a hard time adjusting to life together after marriage. But, there is trouble and then there it TROUBLE.
> 
> ...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

whitepicketfence said:


> Thank you, I'm going to go ahead and do that. I was looking at this hotline yesterday, but it's hard to believe that I'm stuck in this situation. I never thought this would happen to me. I still feel partially responsible because I've had my fair share of problems in the past too. My father died three years ago and I've been very depressed since then and developed an anxiety disorder. Slowly I've been rebuilding my life, but I always thought my husband would be a part of my life. Now I feel like I'm starting from scratch all over again. Now I'm not so sure. Can people like my husband ever change?


Not if they don't think they have a problem and definitely not without professional help. 

My dad started out like your husband and slowly progressed into a sexually, physically and emotionally abusive monster. My mom is still stuck in this abusive cycle with him after more than 30years. Hes the only man she's ever been with and she's convinced it will remain that way because she's "damaged goods". She's so broken.

That alone is proof to me that it's just not worth the risk of staying in the hopes that an abuser will change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> Our taxes are not complicated at all to do! We are both employees, it's a very simple process to get our taxes done. That's why I didn't think it was such a big deal to mention us going somewhere else.


What does the CPA charge to do your taxes? My bet is that it is way more than you should pay. CPAs are typically way too expensive for the average person to use. 

If you and he want someone else to do your taxes, take them to H&R Block. They are about $100 for a simple return. And it sounds like yours is simple.

Or use TurboTax and do them yourself. It has a step-by-step process that you can use. YOu just enter the W2 info for each of you. It will walk you through questions to see if you have any other income and/or any special deductions. Then you can efile your taxes for free. There are 3 different methods for getting/using TurboTax. You can buy the version that fits your needs or use their online service.

You can buy and down load Turbo Tax here: https://www.amazon.com/TurboTax-Del...UTF8&qid=1488139385&sr=1-1&keywords=turbo+tax

Or you can use TurboTax online. If you use the online service, it’s free for simple returns. And they have different packages/fees based on things like if you also own a business, have investments and real estate property. You and your husband could probably use the free service.

Plus, Turbo tax will answer most, if not all, the questions you might have. 

https://turbotax.intuit.com/personal-taxes/online/


whitepicketfence said:


> This guy speaks Spanish, and I don't speak Spanish all that well. He made a comment to me that I took as offensive, and I made a big deal about it. My husband says that I misunderstood him, but I still don't want to go back there. I told my husband that I didn't want to go back there because I didn't like the service, and he says that I'm still hung up over an incident that happened a year ago. He told me I'm making such a big deal about it when I'm not. All I said was I don't want to go back there. To me, it's the same as saying I don't want to go back to a restaurant or a nail salon, you know?


Your husband should have your back. If you are not comfortable with this CPA, then he needs to support you not wanting to go back to him. It’s not like this CPA is the only person who can do your taxes. They are your taxes too. Do not let your husband push you around like this.


whitepicketfence said:


> I feel like I pushed my husband over the edge when he broke down the door. I was yelling at him.


So what if you were yelling at him. You DID NOT PUSH HIM OVER THE EDGE. Get that out of your head. You were locked in a room. All he had to do was walk away. He chose to break down the door. You are married to violent man who is willing to harm you to get control of you. You are married to a dangerous man.

Sure you should not have been yelling either. You could just walk away as I suggested with the “STOP” method. But he CHOOSE to be violent.

Keep in mind that most violent men escalate over time. You can expect more violence. Be ready for it. I will post the domestic violence safety plan. If you stay with him, you will need to have a safety plan. If you stay with this man, do not have children with him until you know that he has been to anger management classes, has changed to live the marriage by those books I suggested (Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs). 

I have to tell you that I would never suggest that any woman stay with a man who did what your husband did. You should run for the hills. But it sound like you are not quite ready to leave.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What does the CPA charge to do your taxes? My bet is that it is way more than you should pay. CPAs are typically way too expensive for the average person to use.
> 
> If you and he want someone else to do your taxes, take them to H&R Block. They are about $100 for a simple return. And it sounds like yours is simple.
> 
> ...


I feel very scared to leave my husband. He has been my financial support while I'm finishing up my degree. I was working full time last year but now I'm not even working part time. I'm not ready to even think about leaving just yet because I don't have a job. I will have to find one so I can support myself now. It shouldn't be hard but I don't know how I'm going to do it with my classes being at all random times of the day. I feel like I totally screwed myself making that choice. It's funny that you mentioned TurboTax and HR Block because I told my husband that yesterday. That's when he said he doesn't want to pay an overpriced accountant to do the work for us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I will ask what I always ask. Was he like this before you married? People do not change their nature much as adults. What usually happens is that when you first love a person, the chemical reaction in your brain is like a drug. You feel good when with him and even thinking about him. The problem part is that the initial love phase also blinds you to his faults. I do not know how many times my wife and I saw couples who we knew would not ask or thought one of them was a very bad choice, over our 44 years of marriage. We used to play a game where we would bet if the couple would stay married long or not and shockingly were right most of the time. Before I learned about the science of love, I could not understand why someone did not see the major faults of their fiancee or lover.,

I wonder if this is the case for you. Unless this was an arranged marriage, your courtship and engagement is a time to see how well you too can live together while you both still can walk away without the complex consequences of a divorce that tends to disrupt your life for years. I was engaged once before and blinded by love. She was cheating on me and I never suspected a thing because to me she was a sweet girl who would never cheat on me. The girlfriend after her, before my wife, also cheated on me because I was blinded by love again. At the end I saw the light. Her coming home late was because she was cheating but I never questioned that since I though she would never cheat. I did not even know she was sexually dominating me until she asked my friends to gang bang her while I watched and then cleaned her up afterwards. Why should would do that was beyond my understanding until we broke up and I reviewed our life together. Then I saw how she progressively was sexually dominating me and fooling me. I missed all of the signs because I loved her and she kept me sexually satisfied. She even asked me to father a child with her due to my good genes. 

I did not make the same mistake the third time. My wife is still the same as she was when we met 44 years ago. She is kind, a people pleasure and likes to be a housewife. She takes pride in a very clean and beautiful house and keeping me happy. Old fashioned wife who is doing these things because she wants to and not because I make her. She is free to do whatever she wants, even date other men because I gave up on monogamy after my two previous experiences and a few I had with married women. I thought most women are genetically inclined to cheat but that is genetic subject best left for another time. My wife never cheated on me and refused all opportunities to date other men or women. She is what I wanted in a wife and more. We seldom argue because we respect and love each other. We always reach a compromise and consider each other when we make decisions that affect the other.

It sounds to me that you are in the stage of love where the initial chemical rush is gone and you are now seeing the real each other for the first time. This is the crucial period of a marriage and love. This is the time that you evaluate whether or not you want to stay together or not. If you decide to stay you then enter into the true love phase which is not as exciting as new love but is much deeper and ultimately more satisfying. You can research love on your own or find my last post with the link to a great article about what I am saying. It is very common for a married couple to divorce in their 2-3 year or marriage due to the change in brain chemistry. Genetically a simple explanation is that we are designed to attract and stay in a drugged like state for a few years which will allow conceiving of a child. Then we decide if the husband is the right man to provide for your child and it is necessary to remove the fog of first love to make a good evaluation if this is the guy who will provide and protect you .

I think you are both seeing the true person now for the first time but I suspect that your husband was like this before you married and perhaps you thought he would change? To go from being mister nice guy to how he is now is a big change. Perhaps he does not love you anymore. 50% of marriage do not work out so you have to at least consider this. You say so yourself that life is better without him so what does that tell you about how to live a happy life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> I feel like I totally screwed myself making that choice. It's funny that you mentioned TurboTax and HR Block because I told my husband that yesterday. That's when he said *he doesn't want to pay an overpriced accountant to do the work for us*.


Ok, now I'm confused. Did he mean that his CPA is an overpriced accountant? If not, who is the overpriced accountant he is talking about?

Is your husband the only one of you who earned an income in 2016? Or did you work for part of 2016?


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I will ask what I always ask. Was he like this before you married? People do not change their nature much as adults. What usually happens is that when you first love a person, the chemical reaction in your brain is like a drug. You feel good when with him and even thinking about him. The problem part is that the initial love phase also blinds you to his faults. I do not know how many times my wife and I saw couples who we knew would not ask or thought one of them was a very bad choice, over our 44 years of marriage. We used to play a game where we would bet if the couple would stay married long or not and shockingly were right most of the time. Before I learned about the science of love, I could not understand why someone did not see the major faults of their fiancee or lover.,
> 
> I wonder if this is the case for you. Unless this was an arranged marriage, your courtship and engagement is a time to see how well you too can live together while you both still can walk away without the complex consequences of a divorce that tends to disrupt your life for years. I was engaged once before and blinded by love. She was cheating on me and I never suspected a thing because to me she was a sweet girl who would never cheat on me. The girlfriend after her, before my wife, also cheated on me because I was blinded by love again. At the end I saw the light. Her coming home late was because she was cheating but I never questioned that since I though she would never cheat. I did not even know she was sexually dominating me until she asked my friends to gang bang her while I watched and then cleaned her up afterwards. Why should would do that was beyond my understanding until we broke up and I reviewed our life together. Then I saw how she progressively was sexually dominating me and fooling me. I missed all of the signs because I loved her and she kept me sexually satisfied. She even asked me to father a child with her due to my good genes.
> 
> ...


It's not that I said my life without my husband is so much better, but it is much more relaxing when he is gone because we are not arguing.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....
> 
> http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
> Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center
> ...


Is there any way I can close this thread so there are no more replies? I appreciate all the support but I think I have all the information I need to move forward.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If wonder if the CPA does "creative accounting " to maximize their tax return due to his work related expenses. My no good lying cheating parasitic leech estranged SIL and husband had one of those.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> If wonder if the CPA does "creative accounting " to maximize their tax return due to his work related expenses. My no good lying cheating parasitic leech estranged SIL and husband had one of those.


Well, it is legal to take deductions for work related expenses. It all depends on how 'creative' that accounting gets.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Well, it is legal to take deductions for work related expenses. It all depends on how 'creative' that accounting gets.


Oh yes! I know for a fact that he does sketchy things because I've seen it first hand. He's very questionable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> I feel very scared to leave my husband. He has been my financial support while I'm finishing up my degree. I was working full time last year but now I'm not even working part time. I'm not ready to even think about leaving just yet because I don't have a job. I will have to find one so I can support myself now. It shouldn't be hard but I don't know how I'm going to do it with my classes being at all random times of the day.


Of course you are scared to leave him. Just work the safety plan. And at the same time see if you can get him to do what is needed to fix this. If he does not, and things stay bad, you have the plan. 

How much longer do you have in school?


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Of course you are scared to leave him. Just work the safety plan. And at the same time see if you can get him to do what is needed to fix this. If he does not, and things stay bad, you have the plan.
> 
> How much longer do you have in school?


One more year full-time. But now that this happened I'm planning on getting a full-time job again. Even if I have to wait until May when my classes finish. I can always do online or night classes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> Oh yes! I know for a fact that he does sketchy things because I've seen it first hand. He's very questionable.


Ok, then if he insists on going to this guy, have nothing to do with it. Look up "IRS innocent spouse". IF you take the innocent spouse approach, the IRS will not hold you responsible if your husband is doing things that are 'creative' with taxes.

You also have a choice to file "married but separate". You will pay a higher tax rate, but at least you will not be liable for his and his CPA's "creativity".

Do you have access to your husband's W2, pay stub and other financial records? Were it me, and my husband insisted on using a shady CPA, I'd run the taxes through TurboTax and see how 'creative' that CPA got.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> Is there any way I can close this thread so there are no more replies? I appreciate all the support but I think I have all the information I need to move forward.


If you want it closed, I will do that some time today.

If you want it reopened, just PM me or some other mod.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, then if he insists on going to this guy, have nothing to do with it. Look up "IRS innocent spouse". IF you take the innocent spouse approach, the IRS will not hold you responsible if your husband is doing things that are 'creative' with taxes.
> 
> You also have a choice to file "married but separate". You will pay a higher tax rate, but at least you will not be liable for his and his CPA's "creativity".
> 
> Do you have access to your husband's W2, pay stub and other financial records? Were it me, and my husband insisted on using a shady CPA, I'd run the taxes through TurboTax and see how 'creative' that CPA got.


No, I don't have access to my husband's W2s or pay stubs. I'm going to stand firm on my decision: we go somewhere else or filing separately.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If you want it closed, I will do that some time today.
> 
> If you want it reopened, just PM me or some other mod.


Yes, I'd like that. I have all the information I need. Thank you very much for all of your help!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, then if he insists on going to this guy, have nothing to do with it. Look up "IRS innocent spouse". IF you take the innocent spouse approach, the IRS will not hold you responsible if your husband is doing things that are 'creative' with taxes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes, i was going to mention this but Ele got there first. Let him handle the taxes this year. 

Take the innocent spouse approach. That is part of your exit/escape plan. You don't need to do anything but stay out of it and don't discuss your thoughts on the CPA with anyone. Put nothing in writing. 

We are anonymous here so that is ok.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, i was going to mention this but Ele got their first. Let him handle the taxes this year.
> 
> Take the innocent spouse approach. That is part of your exit/escape plan. You don't need to do anything but stay out of it and don't discuss your thoughts on the CPA with anyone. Put nothing in writing.
> 
> We are anonymous here so that is ok.


The accountant is sketchy, but I think my husband just got really upset that I don't want to go to him because he has to have his way with everything. But other than that, I overheard him trying to get a bigger tax return for someone that wanted to put her mom on her payroll. Without actually paying her. I don't know. I just don't get good vibes from him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

whitepicketfence said:


> The accountant is sketchy, but I think my husband just got really upset that I don't want to go to him because he has to have his way with everything. But other than that, I overheard him trying to get a bigger tax return for someone that wanted to put her mom on her payroll. Without actually paying her. I don't know. I just don't get good vibes from him.




To use a bad analogy, you want to win the war, not every battle. 

Given in when it costs you nothing. 

Fight only when you have something to gain. 

If you are working towards getting out, always keep that in mind. It is not worth fighting over principles if you gain nothing and will leave next year.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> To use a bad analogy, you want to win the war, not every battle.
> 
> Given in when it costs you nothing.
> 
> ...


Oh, honey these are my taxes. I don't want to mess with this "battle".


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry did not read all but will - you sound very defensive and dramatic as does he. Sounds like you could both stand to lose a bit of drama. Who get upset with a CPA? Come on that's over the top


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitepicketfence said:


> No, I don't have access to my husband's W2s or pay stubs. I'm going to stand firm on my decision: we go somewhere else or filing separately.


When the taxes are done, make sure that you get copies of all papers, to include his W2. 

A person keeping financial information from their spouse is a form of emotional abuse called financial abuse. It's yet one more way to control you, it keeps you ignorant of the reality of your situation.


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