# She still "has feelings for me"....



## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

....I'm sure you've seen this thread a million times on here, but my story goes as follows:

I met my wife 9 years ago online. At the time I was living in Atlanta GA, she in Savannah. I very shortly made a trip down to meet her in person and we had a nice time, but I didn't feel an immediate connection with her. We met again a few weeks later (this time she came and visited me) and she told me that she had fallen in love with me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and genuinely liked her as a person (we had a lot in common...dare I say she's the perfect woman for me) but I definitely did not love her...not yet....or so I thought. When she left I couldn't stop thinking about her or seeing her face when I closed my eyes. I have never really been popular with women, and maybe I forced myself to fall in love with her because I figured I couldn't get anyone else. 

I don't really think that matters now, but we continued seeing each other and about 6 months later I had put in my two weeks notice at my current job, found another close to where she lived and moved in with her. She said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and I definitely didn't want to be with anyone else. We got married roughly five months later. Here are some other details...probably should have mentioned them earlier: I am African American, and she is Caucasian. Her family would not approve of her being involved with a black man so she has not told them I'm black. She has met my family, but I have never met hers. It's definitely a unique situation, but I didn't really care...all I wanted was to be with her. To have that security of having someone to come home with, to hold and cuddle with on cold nights. 

Well, time went on and things between us remained good. We don't argue a lot and we're best friends. Neither of us are particularly outgoing. We basically work and come home. She does like to go out with her family from time to time and I let her, but don't always feel good about it (I get noticeably upset with her). I also play video games and surf the internet quite a bit (too much apparently) simply out of boredom. When she was home and in the bedroom watching television or something, I would often slip off into the computer room. At times, I would stay in there for several hours at a time. She would ask me to come into the room with her and at first I would. But, then it seemed like when I did come in there, she wouldn't really show me any attention, that it was all directed at the tv or her phone. So, I stopped coming into the bedroom when she requested (not always, but it was probably pretty often) 

There is also a place where she likes to go and eat, but I don't like being around people very much. It's a Japanese steak house where they cook the food in front of you and you must sit with strangers. I hate this. At first, I would be okay with it, and go along, but later I would express my discomfort with it. It had even gotten to the point where she promised not to ask me to take her there again, that she'd just go with her family. I figured that would be good enough--at least she still got to go, right?

Well, for the last couple of months I've noticed a change. We don't show each other much affection anymore and kisses goodbye and hello seem very forced. I came to her with this about 3 days ago and she said she felt the same way. I asked her what she thinks we should do and she said that she thinks maybe I should leave. This absolutely crushed me. Now, she's been mad at me before----there were times when she would tell me I needed to "make it up to her" before we were okay again. I would bring up leaving and she would burst out into tears. (I never ever intended to truly leave, though) I don't know why I did it. Insecurity mostly. I needed her to tell me that she wanted me, so I would do and say these terrible things. Well, anyway, we continued talking and she said that all the neglect probably made her fall out of love with me. She said she's been having these feelings for over a year now, but didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to hurt me. 

I was devastated by this and immediately swore to her that I would do whatever it took to win her back. In my mind, it's just a matter of me doing the things I wasn't before to try and make her love me the way she once did again. We talked a day later and she told me that she didn't want me to leave yet...well, she didn't directly come out and say it---I asked her. Yesterday we spent a lot of time together before she had to go to work. I came into the shower and washed her back for her, didn't get on the computer at all, and even gave her a back rub (she would often come home and ask for a foot rub and I would groan about it, but usually do it. In the beginning of our relationship, I would rub her feet voluntarily every day when she came home from work) I admittedly am not patient and realistically I know that it's going to take MUCH more than that to get her back with me, and even then it still might be too late. 

This morning I confronted her to clarify a few things. When she first told me she didn't love me the way she used to, it was right before she left for work. After our conversation, I asked her if I should even hug and kiss her before she left. She said yes. So, I did. The next two days when we kiss goodbye she gives me a very weak hug and an okay kiss. I just asked her if she really wants to hug me or is she just doing it so it won't hurt my feelings. She then started crying and said she's trying to make (her feelings) come back but she doesn't know how. We then go into everything again. Again, she says that maybe we need some time apart. Ok, but I ask her why she told me she didn't want me to leave just a day ago and she couldn't answer me. She said she doesn't know what she wanted. By this time, I'm getting a little irritated so I go into the kitchen, grab three trash bags and tell her that I'm leaving. She cries and tells me not to leave. 

I go back into the room and ask her why she keeps saying we might need time apart if she isn't willing to let me leave. She tells me that she thinks that's what I want. Now, does that even make any sense? I leave my "life" in Atlanta behind, quit a good-paying job and move 4 hours away from my family to be with her and she thinks I want to be separated from her? This place has been my world for the last 9 years. I don't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. 

I want to try and change the type of person I am for her to try and win her back, but I keep getting this nagging feeling that she really doesn't want me around but is just afraid to admit it (to both me and herself, because then she would really have to face the reality that she doesn't want to be my wife anymore) I definitely know that confronting her this morning was a mistake, and she told me so...that it felt like I was rushing her. She told me that she wants to let her guard down, but that I've told her I would change before, and did, but just temporarily. What I gather is that I need to prove that I'm devoted to her, that I actually do care about her. 

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to tell _someone_ all of this. Haven't gotten up to discussing this with my family yet. I don't know if this matters, but my wife is about to turn 40 and she's very depressed about it. I am 34. We have an anniversary coming up on the 25th. I know I need to grow up. I took her for granted. I figured that whatever I did, she would still be with me because she loved me so much. I realize now that everyone has a breaking point, and unfortunately, I pushed her too far. I was just looking for advice. Based on what I've said, do you think I should try and stay in the house and "woo her back" or should I give her some space? This woman is literally my world. I don't want to lose her. I just hope it isn't too late.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You clearly have stopped dating her, so that is a problem right there. It sounds like she has been wanting to do things with you, but you keep shooting her down. The distance is not surprising. You cannot stop dating your wife. It's easier said than done because we instinctively like to get into routines. When you add kids to the mix, it gets even harder to keep connected. It takes work and effort to do this. Do you have any kids?

Are you sure that your wife isn't having an affair? Based on how confused your wife sounds, it would be a clue to me that she has the tendency to cheat on you because 1) she feels neglected, 2) doesn't appear to have sat you down and laid out her concerns to you up front and 3) waffles back and forth on whether she loves you or not. I find it interesting that this convo occurred right before she left for work. Someone at work catch her eye???

These are my initial thoughts. If there isn't an affair lurking in the marriage, then you can definitely salvage this marriage. But it takes communication between the two of you and the commitment to spend time together.

Do you and her have transparency in your lives? Do you know the passwords to her social media, e-mail account(s), smart phone, etc (and she yours), or are you one of those who have the misguided notion that privacy is important in a marriage? Does she hide her phone from you when you walk in the room or does she shut down her computer as soon as you see her? 

You got some research to do while you work on becoming a better husband. I hope you do not find any infidelity, but I would not be surprised if your wife is cheating on you. Also, bear in mind that there is no infidelity in my marriage, so when it comes to what to do if you discover her affair there will be others that will give you better advice about ferreting out an affair plus share their experiences on what worked for them and what didn't work.

Good luck.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

We have a very open marriage. She had no problems with me looking at her facebook page or messing around with her smart phone. She recently bought a laptop and was very adamant about it not locking me out (I didn't need a password to use it). I am actually the one who leaves the room when she gets on the phone, so there isn't really any secrecy there. I did ask her if there was anyone else and she constantly says there isn't. I will say that she did start a new job almost a year ago. Things had been getting a bit stale before that, though. 

No, we don't have any children, mostly due to the situation we're in with the race difference and her family's...well, I don't want to say prejudice, because she swears they're not out and out racists, but they just wouldn't approve if they knew I was black.

Another thing I should probably mention is that before I came down here, she told me that she would tell her family about me before I moved in with her. I later found out, obviously that this was not true and ever since then there have been trust issues between us. Everything she tells me, I second guess.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Man...I know that mixed marriage is much more acceptable now than in the past, but doing this in Savannah, GA has to be really tough on you two. I don't want to stereotype southerners, but my guess is that you would have an easier time living in Atlanta as a mixed race couple than Savannah. Based on this alone, I would strongly consider insisting to your wife that the move to Atlanta is a must. Sorry if I offend anyone, but I'm looking at this a practically as I can, and I see a move to a larger city as a means to remove a complex variable from the equation.

But not having kids because you are a mixed raced couple sounds repulsive to me. Whose idea was this, yours or hers? If hers, it only reinforces my opinion that you need to get back to Atlanta.

You're not out of the woods yet wrt the possibility of the affair, but the fact that you two have transparency is fantastic. I wouldn't obsess over the possibility of another man at this point in time, but I would say that you owe it to yourself to follow up and try to remove it as a possibility.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

It was mainly my idea not to have children, but recently I've been more open to the idea (she wanted me to get her pregnant while we were still dating) Now she's the one against it. Admittedly, we haven't talked about this in about 2 years. 

And yes, I understand what you're saying about the affair. I have had the same thoughts running through my head (as well as a million other things) Just out of curiosity, are you male or female, Plan? Either way, thank you for listening and replying.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> It was mainly my idea not to have children, but recently I've been more open to the idea (she wanted me to get her pregnant while we were still dating) Now she's the one against it. Admittedly, we haven't talked about this in about 2 years.
> 
> And yes, I understand what you're saying about the affair. I have had the same thoughts running through my head (as well as a million other things) Just out of curiosity, are you male or female, Plan? Either way, thank you for listening and replying.


I'm a male. There is an avatar contest in the social site, so that's why I have a gorilla dressed in drag.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Okay. The reason I asked was because I was wondering if this was coming from a man's or a woman's point of view. 

Another thing I forgot to mention earlier is that I am her second marriage. She first married very young to a much older man. After about 7 years she found she "just wasn't happy" and called it off. According to her, he was pretty much done as well because he just let her go...didn't even try to put up a fight. I asked her if she felt the same way about us as she did when she realized she didn't want to be with her first husband anymore and she said yes. I want to try and work things out but I really don't want to waste my time.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey due, 

I don't know what to say here - this absolutely sucks. But let's be honest here - from what I read, she wants you gone, but doesn't want to tell you outright. You on the other hand don't want to go, so any sign of positivity makes you stay.

You need to confront her and ask her - if she wants you to stay, she has to commit to making it work. This whole "I want you to go but I don't want you to go" is simply trying to be kind to you, but being cruel instead. Grab the bull by the horns, confront the situation, and assume the worst. Have a bag packed and ready. Anything that isn't a complete and outright YES, regard as a no. No weak hugs, none of that weak sauce, it has to be a "YES I want you and I'm ready to work on it", otherwise it's time for you to leave.

And c'mon, what's this rubbish about not meeting her family? What's the matter with you? Why would you even relocate without some form of commitment in that regard? Why would you even let anyone treat you like that? She's more concerned about her family's feeling than yours? Dude, I don't get you - Are you really true african american or are you from immigrant family?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but there are clear signs of self confidence issues (as well as self-hatred).

In order for this to work, both of you must be dedicated to fixing the relationship. You fix you, she fixes her. If anyone falls short, it's not going to work. So forget about trying to change you - that's rubbish, you just come across as weak and desperate.

Brother, grow a pair, get your act together, respect yourself, otherwise nobody will respect you.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Honestly how can you deal with her not sharing you with her family? I know interracial relationships fan be difficult, but thats beyond disrespect. You need to respect yourself first, forget about everone else involved. This is your life, how is it going to pan out? Hope it all pans out well for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Caladan, I thank you for your bluntness and honesty, and you're absolutely right. I do have low self esteem and I am desperate. I didn't so much mind the idea of not knowing her family because hey, let's be honest, most people don't like their in-laws anyway. lol

But anyway, I'm posting this from my iPhone in a hotel room. That fast, my wife and I are split up. We had another conversation after I posted on here and she came out and told me that she wanted me gone and only told me to stay because she knew I had no place to go. I then packed up most of my clothes and left (i did let her know everything that was on my mind as well...obviously a lot of it bad). We haven't spoken at all since I left. I'm probably going back to Atlanta for a couple of weeks to try and cope. Not really doing me any good sitting in this town that reminds me of nothing but her while I try to get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

It's water under the bridge, but sometimes a decent post-mortem is useful. 

I too am of african descent, and I too married an american lady. Here's the thing - a marriage is between families, not just between people. My ex and I are broken up, but we all still need to bring the kids up together. We may not like each other, but we respect each other enough to be civil.

Anyway - in the meantime, you need to work on yourself. Do you have a weight issue? Hit the gym. Hard. It's always going to be hard for external parties to respect you if you don't respect yourself. Also - counselling for yourself is a great idea - break-ups tend to have more of an emotional burden than we often realize.

PM me if you need any direct assistance, I'll be glad to assist in any way I can.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks. I may take you up on that. Going to take the weekend off from work to spend a little time with my family. I need the support. Weigh my options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Big update:

So I go to the house to pick up a few of my things for my trip back home to Atlanta and my wife serves me with divorce papers. Not a week ago, I thought I'd never find myself in this position. I didn't fight with her about it, and just signed the papers. Afterwards, I dug into her. I figured, it's over and I've got questions, why not ask? I said some really mean and hurtful things to her as well. I couldn't help it. I was really upset that she waited this long to tell me there was a problem and then decided our fate so quickly (well, obviously for her it WASN'T quick. she had been feeling this way well over a year). 

The good part about this is there's no more uncertainty. I know now that she won't be calling me looking to reconcile so I don't need to sit by the phone waiting like a lovesick puppy dog. I guess the reality of things hasn't set in, because I feel numb. I don't feel like crying, I'm not mad, I'm just neutral. I almost feel a bit relieved. I'm sure this won't last, though. I'm 34 with nothing to show for it. I lived her life for 9 years. I lived in her house, ate food that she went to the store and bought, rode around in her car when we went out (and yes I do have my own car) She just made things way too easy for me and I didn't have a problem taking everything she gave me. The problem was that I didn't appreciate it, either. That's what killed us, I guess. Oh well. So, I'm soon to be divorced (she says the court date is April 15) And now I have to start my life completely over. I'm moving back in with my parents in two weeks. 

Such a loser....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thoughts. Sorry for being late in the game.

Have you had your free consult with a divorce lawyer? Do that yesterday. Find out if cheating even matters in GA. If not. Go on with life. If it does what she said in post 1 is a big red flag for affair. Note it is 1 red flag not 5 of them.

Work on yourself. Read the two Athol Kay books. You didn't know it but you made yourself look weak to your wife which decreases her attraction even further... Go to the gym. Work on your game. You are 34 so you have time to get your head together.

Oh and stop calling yourself a loser. It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. Work on yourself. You CAN do it.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, I broke the cardinal rule. I couldn't just walk away. This was too sudden. I had to plead my case one last time. Let her know how rotten I thought it was for her to just drop this bombshell on me not even one week ago then today serve me with divorce papers. Now I feel much worse. I just can't let her go. This is just moving way too fast and I feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. She's so cold and mean now. She was never anything like this during the happy times. She tells me to "get on with my life". I have no life without her. It's gone.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> She does like to go out with her family from time to time and I let her, but don't always feel good about it (I get noticeably upset with her).


I jumped over here from your other thread to see about your backstory.

Nothing much of interest except this one part here I quoted above.

You "let her" go out with her family yet you got noticably upset with her when she did. 

You put her in a really bad place by doing that.. making her basically choose between them and you.

That's part of the problem. 



hank_rea said:


> I am African American, and she is Caucasian. Her family would not approve of her being involved with a black man so she has not told them I'm black. She has met my family, but I have never met hers. It's definitely a unique situation, but I didn't really care.


Another problem of course being that she was ashamed of being married to a black man so you were the big secret everyone knew about and talked about but pretended wasn't there. Not the proper way to handle things. Its weak, cowardly and finally came back to bite you in the end. You think they didn't know and you didn't care but truth is they ALL knew and you did need to care because you can't expect a marriage to succeed under such dysfunctional conditions. 

It's too late for this marriage, but when you meet someone else some day stop being so demanding and difficult. And don't settle for being someone else's big secret.


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