# Sexual problems before marriage



## rem6996 (Jun 23, 2011)

I know this is a marriage forum but since I will be going down the aisle in a couple months, I thought this would be the best place.

My fiance and I have been together almost 7 years, she's 26 & I'm 27. We started having sex about 1.5 years into the relationship (we were in college at the time). We had a long distance relationship (I was in school in IL, she was in MA). We made it work though it was difficult.

Without going into too much detail, our sex lives have been strained to say the least over the past year about. We both lived at our parents for most of the relationship, save for a year she was in grad school and 2 years I had my own apartment. About a month after we got engaged, we moved in together and it was probably the worst month ever for us. We had constant problems with the apartment which caused a lot of stress for us. I think we had sex 3 - 4 times the entire month.

We moved out a month later and lived at home again for a month before moving again. The apartment was much better and things started getting better though they have been up and down a lot since last September.

At the peak of our sex life, we were having sex 2 times a week, usually when I visited her at grad school or if she spent the night at my apartment. This worked and we were both happy. She was on anti-depressants which made things difficult for awhile since she couldn't orgasm but eventually that went away and we had some great times. She had to go off the medicine because she was gaining weight and it lost its effectiveness.

We now have sex once a week or once every other week, depending how things go. She was never the one with the higher sex drive and while it didn't use to be a problem, it is more so now. She knows I don't like how little we have sex but that doesn't seem to matter. Planning the wedding, honeymoon, and looking for a home I think has caused plenty of stress for us both, resulting in many a fight. She is also extremely miserable at her job and brings a lot of the negativity home.

I have tried to talk with her and listen but even I am getting tired of hearing the same stuff over and over. I do love her but it's getting to be a bit much for me.

I know stress and anxiety can reek havoc on one's sex life but I think it's more than that. I have talked to her about trying to initiate things or be more open to trying new things but that rarely happens. The few times she has initiated it ended up being really great and I expressed that to her that I liked it and wouldn't mind if she did it more without me asking.

It sometimes backfires, like today. I came home from work and she was in some sexy lingerie. I was pretty excited until she told me we had to hurry since we had an appointment to live for soon which I tried to get past but I lost my mood because we would have to rush things. She got mad at me because I lost my libido which I didn't really appreciate.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I do love her and want to be with her but I don't know how to fix this issue. I know she feels pressured to satisfy me but she refuses to give oral sex and would rather have normal sex than have me go down on her and her just give me a hand job or something. I have tried suggesting new things but it doesn't work usually. If there is any advice out there, I am willing to hear it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm not sure what to advise you for a solution, but I can almost guarantee that things WILL NOT get better once you are married. You had best work out your problem now or as they say on the alter "forever hold your peace".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This WILL get worse after marriage. Not that it 'might' - it WILL. Because this pattern reflects something quite toxic to you. And that is your needs get disregarded, when they conflict with hers. And that WON'T change in a marriage except that pattern will likely intensify. 

And the reason it does is very simple. When the man purues marriage when he is being treated badly - he is sending his W a loud and clear message that overall he accepts how he is being treated. 




rem6996 said:


> I know this is a marriage forum but since I will be going down the aisle in a couple months, I thought this would be the best place.
> 
> My fiance and I have been together almost 7 years, she's 26 & I'm 27. We started having sex about 1.5 years into the relationship (we were in college at the time). We had a long distance relationship (I was in school in IL, she was in MA). We made it work though it was difficult.
> 
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi rem~
Are you attending any kind of pre-marital counseling? I agree with the other posters, in that this is a dynamic that you should be trying to address before you say "I do".

Yes, stress, living with parents, long-distance relationships, anti-depressants, weight gain - all of that can impact sexual desire, especially in a woman. Educate yourself about how your wife-to-be's desire and response is intrinsically different than yours so you can understand her better. Research Rosemary Basson and see this link: Clinical Fact Sheets: Female Sexual Response

Your wife-to-be can also do similar research to understand a man's basic needs.

The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good one you may want to read together: His Needs, Her Needs

But, if you are not doing any kind of pre-marital counseling together, I would suggest that it would be something you might want to consider doing.


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## rem6996 (Jun 23, 2011)

We are not in any pre-marital counseling. I have brought up my concerns to her several times and as I said before, she has tried to initiate sex and usually it works out really well and it has been some of the better sex we've had in the past months. She is really focused on getting a new job right now as the one she is in has caused her nothing but misery.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more the problems started once she got this job. When she was an intern, things were still good sexually but it wasn't long after she was hired full time that she started to have problems with them. These problems have been going on for almost a year so I think that is a big part of it. She does work out most mornings though I have suggested doing a light workout after work to burn off the frustration of the day.

I guess the most frustrating thing is I know there is a sexual side to her that existed in the past and part of me wonders if just seeing me everyday and things don't always go well has just made it stale or something.

I am considering purchasing that book you mentioned and reading it and perhaps passing it onto her too. It seems like a book both sexes would get something out of.

The problem with pre-marital counseling is money and we are still trying to save up for a honeymoon so that is kind of difficult. I will give it some consideration and see if there is a low cost option available or something.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

If your marriage is going to be a washout, is there any point in you p1ssing away more money on a honeymoon?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I would take a vacation before getting married to work on things maybe even push off the wedding. 

Marriage will not fix the problem. I had a similar issue as you before getting married we were ALWAYS FIGHTING!!! When we got married it got a little better till we almost got a divorce. It took 2 years (first two years of our marriage) to fix all our issues, now I can say its a lot better! I can't say its perfect, but from 1-10, I would say its an 8 and rising


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should not marry her. You will suffer greatly in life if you marry her. There is no such thing as "I lover her but she does not want sex". Or, "Everything is great but this one thing". 

There will always be stress and anxiety in a marriage. Planning a wedding is not really stressful. Cleaning up kids throw up on your carpet at 3:00 in the morning is stressful. Looking at you kid with a 105degree fever is stressful. Wondering how your kids will eat if you get laid off is stressful. If the stress and anxiety in planning a wedding is killing her sex drive, wait till the real thing kicks in. You have no idea.

If you don't want to listen to my advice and not marry her, I would suggest that you have to tell her that she has to fix this or the wedding is off. You have to be confident and and unemotional and tell her that she needs to fix this or you cannot go through with the marriage. You tell her that marriage is a sexual relationship and that is an unwavering term of marriage, and if it ever turns into a non sexual relationship, you will file for divorce. I would even have her sign a prenuptual agreement to show that you are dead serious.

Please think about 20 years of sexual frustration... Read the boards and see the pain and hurt it causes and the emptiness in a person's life.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> Please think about 20 years of sexual frustration... Read the boards and see the pain and hurt it causes and the emptiness in a person's life.


Nothing worse, except 30 years.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She expects patience from you regarding her low sex drive but if you don't put out like a coke machine, she gets pissed? I know you think you love her, but save yourself! Lose this one NOW. If you think the cheese supply is stingy now, wait until the trap springs. What you are seeing right now are her very best Sunday Go to Meeting Manners. This is the absolute best she's got for you and it aint much.


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

If you're thinking straight, then NEXT! 27, you still have plenty of time. Since you probably won't be taking our advice (because you'd like to avoid the hassle and pain of breaking up this LTR) and would rather subscribe to misery in the future (by hoping things will get better - no they won't, ever), you can find solace in the fact that there will be boards 10 years from now where you can try to vent your marital frustration.
Had to be direct and unpleasant because you've still got time to wake up and realize that you have more options than think.
Wishing you all the best.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Planning a wedding is not really stressful. Cleaning up kids throw up on your carpet at 3:00 in the morning is stressful.


Sorry - I can't help it. 

I think planning my wedding was one of the most stressful times in my life. I think for women it can be extremely stressful - maybe for the man, not as much? Cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night - stressful? - not so much! Now - being able to see things from the other's perspective ... priceless!


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Sorry - I can't help it.
> 
> I think planning my wedding was one of the most stressful times in my life. I think for women it can be extremely stressful - maybe for the man, not as much? Cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night - stressful? - not so much! Now - being able to see things from the other's perspective ... priceless!


OT: Please tell me why do women have to plan every last thing of the wedding day to the smallest detail? Is it some childhood fantasy and everything has to be just perfect, your way? Thanks.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Prometheus Pyrphoros said:


> OT: Please tell me why do women have to plan every last thing of the wedding day to the smallest detail? Is it some childhood fantasy and everything has to be just perfect, your way? Thanks.


Ha Ha - probably is some romantic fantasy. You know - like being able to be a princess for a day? (and it doesn't help when there are others involved - like MOTHERS, for instance.)

Honestly, looking back through the rearview mirror of more than 20 years, it does not seem that important any more, but when it was coming up in the front windshield it certaintly was.

I notice nowadays that there's even more emphasis on the big wedding day than when I got married 23 years ago. Too bad - as the day is soon finished and the really hard work of being married soon begins. I wonder how many new brides are totally taken aback by that transition?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, fine. Weddings are stressful.
The point is life will always have stress, therefor if he marries her then his life will always have lack of sex caused by stress (or tiredness, or cramps, or headaches, or the moon phases, or a light bulb is burned out in the basement, or 12 years earlier he hurt her feelings).


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## duster2001 (Jun 24, 2011)

Speaking from experience, things will NOT get better, only worse.. Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine in the beginning.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're lucky, your intended will show you who she is before you put a ring on her finger. If you're smart, you'll believe her when she shows you.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

I recommend asking yourself if you are willing to put up with much, much less once married? It will only degrade and you will end up unhappy. 
I am speaking from experience here..... get out now.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Wow. These are a lot of depressing posts. 

@OP: Note that many people who are here are not always in happy marriage situations and could be speaking from their own personal experiences. I am in a very happy marriage, but I still would recommend that you and your fiancee have a huge heart-to-heart about this and really consider doing some pre-marital counseling.

It does not always have to deteriorate after marriage, but marriage is an incredible amount of work if you don't want it to deteriorate. You - BOTH of you - cannot just let it go along on cruise control. So, look at yourself as well - are you just letting it coast along? If so, look at changing that up or else you will continue to have this problem whether you marry your fiancee or not. [Your fiancee should be doing this as well, but since she's not here asking for advice it's hard to tell her that. ]


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