# How do you know your marriage is over?



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself...

We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17. 

When our first problems started and I felt very bad and unhappy, I had this fantasy to help me escape my real world. I was hoping that one day I will meet someone who will help me to leave, that I would be strong enough to make that decision. Too many romantic movies, I guess. 

Our marriage went through a lot in 11 years. From fights, mutual disrespect, name callings, emotional and physical abuse which I have to take 50% responsibility because I provoked him by calling him ugly names when I could not stand his daily criticism. We have no kids even though we both are ready.
I also changed. In my early 30, I was not same girl as I was when I was 20. 

We both did lots of mistakes even though he said it is just me who has a problem and is unhappy. 
Three years ago, when I felt vulnerable and sad, I met a guy I felt in love with. It was never that strong in his case. I wish it never happened. I know he would want to be with me but it started with a lie, so there is no future for us. I hurt my husband and I have to live with feelings of being a miserable cheater forever. 

We are doing MC for about 7 months now and I feel more confused than ever. Physical abuse stopped, emotional is getting better too but I feel cold. I don't desire his touch, we don't kiss. 
My husband is trying and it is killing me to know it does nothing to me. I look at him and see a friend I love very much. I don't see a man I met 14 years ago. When I look at him, I see a good man, one of those who are hard to find. 

He does not cheat, works hard, cooks dinners sometimes, helps with bills and says he loves me. 
Why I don't feel it same way? I wish I would. It would be so much easier. Instead of that, I feel like I want to live again. I am attracted to other people and don't know how to stop it. I want to be in this marriage because I want to, not because I feel pity and fear of unknown. Why can't I feel this special peace I used to feel when I came home, a happiness just to be close to him and hold him? He deserves better and I know that. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Why do I feel this way?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself...
> 
> We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17.
> 
> ...


Maybe he should cheat on you. You may want the others because you don't have them...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I also changed. In my early 30, I was not same girl as I was when I was 20.


None of us are the same at 30 as we were 20. That's why I BEG people to wait before marrying.

Do you think YOUR happiness lies in someone else?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> None of us are the same at 30 as we were 20. That's why I BEG people to wait before marrying.
> 
> Do you think YOUR happiness lies in someone else?


In someone else? I was told that no one can make you happy. I have to find happiness in myself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Are you happy now with yourself?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring.
> 
> ... I had this fantasy to help me escape my real world. I was hoping that one day I will meet someone who will help me to leave ...


Time to leave the "what-if" thinking behind and get firmly entrenched in the reality of "what is." And what is, is this: 



AwfullyGuilty said:


> ... and physical abuse which I have to take 50% responsibility because I provoked him by calling him ugly names ...


This does not justify physical abuse. Were you wrong? Yes. But your husband had the freedom to choose walking out the door, going into another part of the house, or simply controlling his actions. Your guilt is unfounded. 

Why? Because you can only take ownership of what you did wrong.  But you don't keep beating yourself over the head thinking that you had the power to control his actions. Believe me, you don't possess such power. 



AwfullyGuilty said:


> We both did lots of mistakes even though he said it is just me who has a problem and is unhappy.


Typical abuser/addict blame-shifting technique. It expunges them from responsibility for their actions. At least they believe that. And they get their victims to buy into it. You bought into it. And you are remaining a victim even though your husband has made strides to improve and change his past behavior. 



AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why do I feel this way?


You feel this way because you were physically abused. Okay, your husband has stopped being abusive. But you still have the fear that he may do it again, right?

To be perfectly honest with you, you married too young. There has been way too much drama and infliction of abuse from both parties in this relationship.

You are perpetuating the drama by agonizing over whether to stay or leave. Now that it appears your husband has stopped abusing you, but you are abusing yourself. Seriously.

You are beating yourself up with guilt, regrets, what-if's, and every other weapon in the arsenal of a victim.

It is up to you. Keep being a masochist and punishing yourself over past sins or learn to trust your husband.

Do you think he has really turned over a new leaf? If so, then the problem now lies within you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You can fall madly in love with someone else, but I gaurantee in 10 years you are probably going to be tired of some of his behavior as well.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> In someone else? I was told that no one can make you happy. I have to find happiness in myself.


Thing about it, is there is a net sum within your relationships which will affect your mood and outlook.


If you spend the entire day talking to negative and depressing and dream killing people, you are likely to not feel to good. What if this is all you talked to all day, you picked up the phone it's what you talked to, friend 1, 2 3, 4, family...

Tell me your happiness is not based at all on your environment. It's a huge component.

So yes, a huge chunk of happiness can be made by putting the right person in your life.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

If you feel like your husband has truly changed, and since you seem to know that the thing between you and the other man wouldn't have worked anyway, I think it's high time to leave the past where it belongs. Too many people suffer so much because of the past! My mother in law cannot even be satisfied with her life now because she can't let go of what could have been, or what might have been if she had done one or two things differently. She will be 60 tomorrow, has the UNCONDITIONAL love of an amazing man, and has children who love her and everything she could ever need. But she still wants more.

I really think you need to find your happy. If it's possible, I would maybe talk to your husband about taking a week or two vacation somewhere? Just to unwind and find your center. If that's not possible, maybe just a weekend in a hotel somewhere? Consider it an investment in your happiness!

The past cannot be changed, no matter how many times you rewrite it in your head. Like you said, y'all made mistakes. Physical abuse is never something to condone, but you decided to forgive him and work things out, so it's up to you to bury that past and give it a plaque that says "Dead but not forgotten." You will never forget what happened in the dark days, but you can choose to make the future what ever you want it to be.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Hi AG.



AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why do I feel this way?


Because feelings come and go, even in the best marriages.

If I asked you when you first married, "will you ever not love this guy?" Of course you would have said "No Way!" 

So see. Feelings have changed... and they can change again. The key to a successful and happy marriage is commitment. Since you have posted here, you still have that.

I would suggest you ask your H to give you some space and time, and to get some individual counseling for yourself, with a C who understands you want to renew your marriage.

Couples who stick it out and do the work report being happier after a few years. Those who quit repeat the cycle. Often times over and over. 

Best wishes for a lasting marriage.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself...
> 
> We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17.
> 
> ...


Its not fair to your husband to stay in the marriage if yo don't love him enough to even touch him. Get a divorce and let him find love again and somebody who wants to be with him. Just remember the grass isn't always greener and don't expect him to take you back after you have had other men intimately.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Its not fair to your husband to stay in the marriage if yo don't love him enough to even touch him. Get a divorce and let him find love again and somebody who wants to be with him.


You assume that the feelings of love cannot come back. This is simply incorrect. I know of many cases where it has, but it didn't happen overnight.

Oh, and as far as _"let him (H) find somebody else"_, how dare you, AG or anyone else decide what AG's H may want. He very likely wants his W... still. This is what REAL love is about, folks.




> Just remember the grass isn't always greener and don't expect him to take you back after you have had other men intimately.


Right, which makes a better case for working on the marriage, not tossing in the towel and moving on to the next person you'll eventually tire of.

"Oh, I don't feel it anymore. Let's get D." 

How silly and misguided.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

When you are sitting on the same couch or next to each other in chairs.... and you look over at them. and you feel like you don't even know that person anymore... they are like a mannequin...Like robotic or plastic people and you feel like the loneliest person in the world... like you are 1000 miles from the nearest person..

IT IS OVER!!!!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself...
> 
> We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17.
> 
> ...


My wife have been married 47 years, and recently went through some hard times. She had lost 2 sisters within a year, and as much as I tried to comfort her, I feel she started taking it out on me, almost like I was to blame for part of her pain...

We fought every day, and horrible things were said on both sides. I literally hated to wake up each day......

After deciding we had too much invested to divorce, we bought a book called "the 5 love languages"...It is a short simple book, which teaches a couple how to meet their mates emotional needs.....

we read the book together and began to implement the program....I was shocked at how it made me respond to her.....I could see improvement in her too.....

About that time she had to have some surgery, and I had to care for her for a week.....I decided to try my best to open my heart during this time and care for her with all the love I had....

A combination of reading the book and having to take a nurturing role for a week made some huge changes in me....

I literally fell in love with my wife. I was in giddy, stupid, school boy love, and it felt wonderful!

Over the following weeks, my wife noticed my change. I bought roses, I cut dogwood sprays, gave her silly I love you cards....

When she walked into the room, I lit up. I doted on her....

One day I gave her a massage, and we spent almost all day making love. I was wonderful....

I was in a fog of good feelings the next day, I was fixing dinner, and she says out of the blue, "If you thing giving me massages will lead to sex, I would rather you didn't massage me any more.....I was crushed....It literally felt like I had been kicked in the stomach....I wound up in bed, crying uncontrollably....And she walked in, acting puzzled at my being upset......She just kind of brushed it off in a casual manner, and walked out....

I could not understand why she would say something hurtful out of the blue......

I got over it, things got better, early one day we spent a couple of hours cuddling in bed, and talking about just daily affairs and our son.

That night at almost bedtime I was in the living room on my laptop. She was in her bedroom watching tv. She walked in while I was typing a reply to a PM from a TAM member who was having trouble. 

She said Bates Motel was coming on, and switched the living room tv over to that station. I made eye contact and continued typing but also conversing with her in between. 

She became very angry, saying I wasn't giving her any attention, saying I was more into TAM than her, etc....That I was just using her for sex and why didn't I just pull up porn instead of bothering her......

We had spent half the morning in bed being wonderfully close, and then this turnaround......I had been happy for almost 2 days, some kind of a record, and this one literally broke my heart. 

I got over it again, A couple of days later, I did the grocery shopping, came home with a dozen roses for her, fixed dinner, fried chicken biscuits, cream gravy, green beans, and rice......She was in and out of the kitchen the whole time, making negative comments, she took a phone call in her room while I was taking off the chicken. I fixed my dad a plate, (he is 97 and lives with us)...I was really down from her attitude, and just ate a piece of chicken and sat there staring at my plate...

She storms into the kitchen, says "Why didn't you call me for dinner"...She was on the phone, She lives her, she knew it was ready... 

Then proceeds to go into the kitchen, fix herself some ramen noodles and eat them for dinner.

All the roller coaster emotions were getting me down...When you are "In Love" with someone, you don't have emotional barriers, but with time, and little emotional hurts, you begin to put up barriers, or grow a thicker skin, that stops these hurts...BUT that thicker skin stops you from feeling "In Love".......

The last blowup was one morning....I had eaten breakfast, and dad was slow finishing so I walked over and logged in on my laptop......

She walked in around 9:00 AM and immediately started yelling about the two cups and cereal bowl I hadn't picked up off the table....It escalated into another big blowup....If she loved me, how could she pick a fight over something so trivial......

I told her the next day that the fight the day before was the straw that killed my "IN LOVE" feelings for her.......I still love her like you do your husband, but no longer "IN LOVE"....

So there you have it, How to fall back in love with your mate, and what it takes to fall back out of love....

She reads all my posts, and she will still say....I am stupid if I can fall out of love over 2 cups and a cereal bowl....

Do you understand it was not the cups and the bowl that made me fall out of love?...

I think she does too, but won't admit it to her herself.........

She is having some depression problems and I am hoping to do the 5 love languages again, and try to fall in love again....

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

hambone said:


> When you are sitting on the same couch or next to each other in chairs.... and you look over at them. and you feel like you don't even know that person anymore... they are like a mannequin...Like robotic or plastic people and you feel like the loneliest person in the world... like you are 1000 miles from the nearest person..
> 
> IT IS OVER!!!!


Hambone you are dead wrong...See above post.......

the woodchuck


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Hambone you are dead wrong...See above post.......
> 
> the woodchuck


I didn't tell the whole story... I cut to the chase..

That was when I knew there was no love left...

To expand. You can make someone like you... I don't think you can make someone love you... It just has to be there. And when I looked over at my wife..... sitting about 3 feet from me... and I felt like I was sitting next to a mannequin... etc. I knew it was over. 

I was out of there. There was nothing she could do to get the love back.. Mostly because I don't believe she ever loved me in the first place. She simply wanted to hitch her wagon to a rising star.


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## Draka (Jul 21, 2013)

My situation is not too different but we have children and for them we stay together, if you want children you must consider if this is the man you want to be with forever because you can divorce your husband, but once you have children there is truly no going back.

Don,t stay in a dying relationship otherwise you will put your children through the breakup or have no time to meet someone else.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Hambone you are dead wrong...See above post.......
> 
> the woodchuck


Right.... The distance just represents where you currently are.

People have recovered from far much worse. What makes it likely is that someone makes up their mind that it is impossible.

I guess what you have described would require two people who know they have seperated to decide they want to reconnect.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Right.... The distance just represents where you currently are.
> 
> People have recovered from far much worse. What makes it likely is that someone makes up their mind that it is impossible.
> 
> I guess what you have described would require two people who know they have seperated to decide they want to reconnect.


BUT, it takes TWO people working hard to make it happen.

My wife quit working on our marriage before the honeymoon ended.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't know what to do anymore. Should I stay or should I go? I think about it every day. It is killing me...All I can wonder about is what future with my husband or without him may bring. I feel worry, anger, disappointment, fear, unhappiness and pity. I am mad at myself...
> 
> We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17.
> 
> ...


Your marriage is truly over when you reach a place of inner peace that you know you will be happier alone than married.

You are not there yet.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you for all of your responses. I went to see our marriage counselor yesterday just like any other month. He told me that husband and I am very different, not just different in some ways, but very very different. We look at things different and have different values. He said there is still some hope, or at least he hopes but he wanted to tell me also that I CAN make it on my own. I told him I am scared what future alone may bring, if I ever be loved, etc. At this point...I feel lost on so many levels.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I went to see our marriage counselor yesterday just like any other month. He told me that husband and I am very different, not just different in some ways, but very very different. We look at things different and have different values. He said there is still some hope, or at least he hopes but he wanted to tell me also that I CAN make it on my own. I told him I am scared what future alone may bring, if I ever be loved, etc. At this point...I feel lost on so many levels.


I have been in your shoes. Married to someone that I had pretty much nothing in common with.. 

I had the same feelings as you're having.

I learned that it takes two people to make a marriage... it only takes one to break it.

My spouse wasn't trying at all... She jumped through hoops to get me to marry her and once we were married, everything changed. The girl I dated was not the girl I was married to.

I got out. We had an almost 3 year separation before I filed for divorce. It was so bad that I never intended to be married again. But, about 6 months later... I met the love of my life. 

There is someone out there who will love and cherish you like you deserve.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hambone said:


> I didn't tell the whole story... I cut to the chase..
> 
> That was when I knew there was no love left...
> 
> ...


Ham: Did y'all ever go the MC (marriage counselling) route, keeping in mind that there are no guarantees even in doing that?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

AG-
I may be the last person who should post on your thread....

My wife has been my best friends forever (21 years)and it never really progressed from that. Three years or so ago I wanted to improve intimacy and read so many books. I increased the romantic things, initiated hugs and kisses, and tried not to get upset when my wife didn't respond the way that I hoped she would.

It reached a point when it was so much work for so little affection.


After finally communicating our true feelings, we both realized we really are friends with almost zero sexual chemistry. I am OK with that now.

I know our marriage is over and when we D, I, more than likely, we will stay under the same roof. Mostly for our daughter. I hope we can save our friendship. After all these years, she is my best friend. We just don't love each other.

I knew it was time when I stopped rushing home from work. My daughter is 9 years old now and by the time I get home, they already had dinner and my little one is at a friends house. I don't care to see my wife anymore. My wife is a sweetheart and she would say the same thing about me. Over the years, I think we were both so comfortable with each other we didn't want to end it over the lack of sexual chemistry. For me if there is no sex or if the sex is forced, why bother with it?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Ham: Did y'all ever go the MC (marriage counselling) route, keeping in mind that there are no guarantees even in doing that?


A little back story. The girl I dated was fun. We went to ball games, dancing, canoeing, flying, etc. etc. etc. We had an active, fulfilling love life.. THEN, we got married. No more fun. No dancing, no camping, no ball games, no nothng.. And she needed just a little more time to get used to having sex! I mean it was like someone threw a light switch. I knew by the end of the honey moon we were in trouble. The girl I dated was not the one I woke up with the morning after the wedding.

I hung in there 2.5 years. She didn't work. She couldn't keep me fed, in clean clothes... no nothing. I remember her telling me she was going to the grocery store. I asked her to pick up some oranges and she angrily told me.."I'm not going down the produce aisle!!!" It was bad.

But, to answer your question... I made appointments with a MC and she didn't show up...

BTW, we were married 2.5 years and it cost me over 50K to get divorced. A big part of the problem was the fact that she didn't work... In the eyes of the law.. it was like she was an invalid and I had to continue to support her in the manner in which she was accustomed. I could be living in a cardboard box under a bridge but she had to be supported in the lifestyle to which I got her accustomed to.

Honest to God... I think she married me for just what she could get out of me... She duped me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hambone said:


> A little back story. The girl I dated was fun. We went to ball games, dancing, canoeing, flying, etc. etc. etc. We had an active, fulfilling love life.. THEN, we got married. No more fun. No dancing, no camping, no ball games, no nothng.. And she needed just a little more time to get used to having sex! I mean it was like someone threw a light switch. I knew by the end of the honey moon we were in trouble. The girl I dated was not the one I woke up with the morning after the wedding.


A purest form of the "bait and switch".




hambone said:


> I hung in there 2.5 years. She didn't work. She couldn't keep me fed, in clean clothes... no nothing. I remember her telling me she was going to the grocery store. I asked her to pick up some oranges and she angrily told me.."I'm not going down the produce aisle!!!" It was bad.


So you figured she would take on a good portion of domestic capabilities due to the fact she did not work? I mean you couldn't expect all of this from someone who works as well as you do.



hambone said:


> But, to answer your question... I made appointments with a MC and she didn't show up...
> 
> BTW, we were married 2.5 years and it cost me over 50K to get divorced. A big part of the problem was the fact that she didn't work... In the eyes of the law..


Just wondering how the divorce ended up being so expensive.



hambone said:


> it was like she was an invalid and I had to continue to support her in the manner in which she was accustomed. I could be living in a cardboard box under a bridge but she had to be supported in the lifestyle to which I got her accustomed to.
> 
> Honest to God... I think she married me for just what she could get out of me... She duped me.


Just great. Something out sons have to look forward to. You where a "bad" man for not bending and finally breaking down and continuing to slave for someone who wasn't going to do anything for you.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Just wondering how the divorce ended up being so expensive.


well, during the 2.5 years we were married. I accumulated about a 40K increase in assets.

She got 20K of that.

I bought her a new car... She got the car and I had to pay it off. ~10K

She got $1,000 a month in alimony for a year. That's 12K

I had attorney's fees of about $5-6K

I'm not even counting the property she got. She took the position that everything that was hers when we got married was hers. Everything that WE accumulated while married was hers... and half of what I had before marriage was hers.

If I didn't have a receipt for it... it was hers before we got married... and it was my burden to prove it wasn't.

The divorces laws 30 years ago were very favorable to women. Especially a woman who didn't work at all while we were married. 

The ONLY things I got out of that marriage... was half a dog. I bought her a Yorkie for Christmas. I was going to give her the dog but, we had to go to court on EVERYTHING we owned. As in,... Judge ask.. "Item number 18 27" sony tv... who has possision of the TV who want' the TV. Lawyers argue... Judge declares... "TV for Ms. hambone" and drops the gavel... Item number 19. and on and on it went. It was brutal...

I sent her a check for $5,000 and I wrote on the bottom of it...
"Final payment of property settlement", she sent it back with instructions to take that note off of it...

And THEN... after I finished paying her that $1,000 per month alimony... She sued me for some made up BS... don't remember what it was. I could see us going to court... EVERYBODY shows up at 8am... I have to take a day off work... I'm paying the attorney $150 an hour to sit there... waiting for the case to come up. If they don't get to it that day... you get to come back and do it again tomorrow. So, I paid it...

And the next month!! Same damn thing. I paid it again...

Then... I was working on a Sunday and a friend came in and asked me.."How's your divorce going?" And I said. "Not worth a damn. I wish her attorney would have a massive coronary and die!!!" And I meant every word of it..

Son of a gun... Monday.. he had a heart attack and he died on Tuesday.. God was I happy! I danced a jig!

I got another letter the next month. She had a new attorney... His name was Charlie Brown. I remember thinking, "Is this a joke???" I waded up it.. threw it in the trash can and never heard another word...

I did not hate her when we started divorce proceedings. I absolutely hated her guts by the end... There were times I believe I could have choked her to death with my bare hands.


ETA: I forgot to tell you how I got the dog. She was the last item on the list... like, "Item number 186 Yorkshire terrier... namely Buttons.. who has possession of the dog... who want's the dog.

Her lawyer, "Your honor... Ms. hambone would like the dog very much"... "your honor, Mr. hambone would like the dog very much" If the dog's worth $500... who wants the dog. We both want the dog. If the dog's worth $1000... who wants the dog? We both want the dog... If the dog is worth $2,000.. who wants the dog... Both want the dog... at this point... I whisper in my attorney's ear.. If he goes any higher... give her the dog...

The judge says, 'OK.. the only way I see to solve this is to flip a coin.. who ever get's the dog get's the dog and there will be no cash compensation to the other party... Who'll call it... I volunteered. As soon as I said I would... he flipped the coin way out in the middle of the court room floor... it rolled around and around the in big circles... made about 3 laps until it fell over.. Bailiff picks it up and tells the judge what it said... "Mr. hambone is awarded the dog!" I could see that coin... I believe it landed on tails and I had called heads. I think the bailiff had mercy on me..


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

hambone said:


> well, during the 2.5 years we were married. I accumulated about a 40K increase in assets.
> 
> She got 20K of that.
> 
> ...


C-L-A-S-S-I-C :rofl: ....


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

iBolt said:


> C-L-A-S-S-I-C :rofl: ....


Do you understand why... after I got divorced... I was bound and determined that I would NEVER... EVER.. be married again...

*NEVER!!!*

It all ended when I met a woman... It was love at first site... We've had a blissful 21 years... As bad as that first marriage was... the second one has been just that good.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hambone said:


> Do you understand why... after I got divorced... I was bound and determined that I would NEVER... EVER.. be married again...
> 
> *NEVER!!!*
> 
> It all ended when I met a woman... It was love at first site... We've had a blissful 21 years... As bad as that first marriage was... the second one has been just that good.


That's so great to hear, Ham! It kind of reinforces my skewed perception of what love should actually be all about!

I'm still entwined in a 2 year old divorce proceeding with no end in sight. My wealthy STBXW supposedly has financially insulated herself with a prenup, but is still trying to bleed me for what little blood she can suck out of my dry bones.

I honestly don't think that I'll ever marry again, more especially to a rich socialite waving a prenup in her hand!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> That's so great to hear, Ham! It kind of reinforces my skewed perception of what love should actually be all about!
> 
> I'm still entwined in a 2 year old divorce proceeding with no end in sight. My wealthy STBXW supposedly has financially insulated herself with a prenup, but is still trying to bleed me for what little blood she can suck out of my dry bones.
> 
> I honestly don't think that I'll ever marry again, more especially to a rich socialite waving a prenup in her hand!


I was sort of in your situation... Her daddy had a lot more money than I did. He could afford to stay in court a lot longer than I could.

My wife couldn't just go home and say, "Daddy, I'm not happy!" So she went home and invented all kinds of BS. Got her daddy all ticked off the rest is history.

You know, she actually called me in the middle of the night and apologized for what she had done.. I think she told a few little fibs, to justify leaving me... got a lot of sympathy... it felt good so she told some more... And in the end.. she totally lost control of the situation. 

I was legally separated for 2.5 years. When I finally got divorced... I paid for it on a VISA card.

I most definitely was not looking for love when I found it...


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm with hambone here. 
If you reached that point in your marriage that you lay in bed with your spouse and you feel like you are looking at your brother/sister, it is definitely over. The right thing to do is be honest and let them find someone who loves them wholeheartedly and passionately.

Yes feelings change, and they can change again. But NOT if you force it, or you're trying to make it happen. I have yet to hear of a couple who said : "we are working on falling in love with each other. We don't feel much toward each other, but we're pushing ourselves hard and are committed to make it happen", and afterwards : "Hurray! We did it, we fell in love!" There's no such thing.Falling in love can't be forced, worked toward, or anything. 
Of course, a couple who fell out of love CAN fall in love again. But not by sticking together in misery forcing it. By letting it go. They may meet again after a period of time, go out to dinner to catch up, realize that they missed each other, and rekindle the old flame. This is how "feelings can change again" - they just do, when you don't try to make them.

I find that people misunderstand the term "commitment". Commitment is not about sticking together no matter how much it sux, how sexless the marriage is, how the attraction is gone, just because you're committed. Commitment to a marriage is not to let the marriage deteriorate. To honor and love your spouse every day. To work hard to fuel the spark and never lose it. THAT is commitment.
Emotional, and especially physical abuse IS NOT commitment. Nothing kills love faster. Staying with someone you no longer feel much for...wasting years of your own life and theirs, in the hope that you can MAKE yourselves fall in love again...that's not commitment, that's a useless, silly martyrdom. 

There's no one size fits all and it's hard to give advice without knowing the parties involved. But OP, only you know in what stage your feelings are, and your husband's. If there is anything left at all, you should stay. If you're looking at your "brother", you should go, and if he is meant for you, you'll reunite later and fall back in love as you once did...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I went to see our marriage counselor yesterday just like any other month. He told me that husband and I am very different, not just different in some ways, but very very different. We look at things different and have different values. He said there is still some hope, or at least he hopes but he wanted to tell me also that I CAN make it on my own. I told him I am scared what future alone may bring, if I ever be loved, etc. At this point...I feel lost on so many levels.


What have you done to find happiness in yourself? I think that's the first thing you need to do. You don't need to leave your husband or have another man to find happiness.

Try working on yourself first. See where that takes you.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I'm with hambone here.
> If you reached that point in your marriage that you lay in bed with your spouse and you feel like you are looking at your brother/sister, it is definitely over. The right thing to do is be honest and let them find someone who loves them wholeheartedly and passionately.
> 
> Yes feelings change, and they can change again. But NOT if you force it, or you're trying to make it happen. I have yet to hear of a couple who said : "we are working on falling in love with each other. We don't feel much toward each other, but we're pushing ourselves hard and are committed to make it happen", and afterwards : "Hurray! We did it, we fell in love!" There's no such thing.Falling in love can't be forced, worked toward, or anything.
> ...


I'm a firm believer that you can make someone like you... but you can't make someone love you. Love just has to happen...


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I have to say, I'm pretty shocked by most of these responses. Your husband physically abused you. Next time, he might kill you. Falling out of love with your husband is a way of protecting yourself. You owe NOTHING to a man who beats you. I don't care if he hasn't for a few months. If he wants to win you back, he has to do a lot more than tell you your unhappiness is on you. What a jerk.

I think you should find the strength to get out. Also, you should find out if it's too late to press abuse charges. Men like this need a paper trail, because when he hits his next wife/girlfriend (and I'm sure he will), she'll need all the help she can get getting him arrested.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

hambone said:


> Do you understand why... after I got divorced... I was bound and determined that I would NEVER... EVER.. be married again...
> 
> *NEVER!!!*
> 
> It all ended when I met a woman... It was love at first site... We've had a blissful 21 years... As bad as that first marriage was... the second one has been just that good.


I am so happy for you !!!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

hambone said:


> well, during the 2.5 years we were married. I accumulated about a 40K increase in assets.
> 
> She got 20K of that.
> 
> ...


Wow. This is a prime example of why men are running away from marriage. This is legal terrorism at its worse. Unfortunately judges in family courts see so many divorces that they become jaded and see you as another case. This is why people should research everything they can about their future spouse. This includes interviewing friends and family and checking credit and court records. I certainly hope that if your ex ever remarries, the fool will take the time to check her history and hopefully talk to you before making the fatal financial mistake.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

hambone said:


> You know, she actually called me in the middle of the night and apologized for what she had done.. I think she told a few little fibs, to justify leaving me... got a lot of sympathy... it felt good so she told some more... And in the end.. she totally lost control of the situation.


You should she wasn't BPD?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Sanity said:


> Wow. This is a prime example of why men are running away from marriage. This is legal terrorism at its worse. Unfortunately judges in family courts see so many divorces that they become jaded and see you as another case. This is why people should research everything they can about their future spouse. This includes interviewing friends and family and checking credit and court records. I certainly hope that if your ex ever remarries, the fool will take the time to check her history and hopefully talk to you before making the fatal financial mistake.


Did you see where you just posted this? On the thread of a woman who's husband BEATS her. Not the place to talk about how men used to get screwed financially, sometimes, by divorce. Marriage was invented to screw women, literally and financially. Yeah, guys got the short end of the stick there for a few years. That sucks. But it sucks worse that women were legally beaten, raped, and deprived of their property systematically for hundreds of years in this country alone.

The woman who started this thread doesn't need you bashing women right here, ok? She's worried about her life, you're worried about your money. So inappropriate.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I'm with hambone here.
> *If you reached that point in your marriage that you lay in bed with your spouse and you feel like you are looking at your brother/sister, it is definitely over. The right thing to do is be honest and let them find someone who loves them wholeheartedly and passionately.*
> 
> Yes feelings change, and they can change again. But NOT if you force it, or you're trying to make it happen. I have yet to hear of a couple who said : "we are working on falling in love with each other. We don't feel much toward each other, but we're pushing ourselves hard and are committed to make it happen", and afterwards : "Hurray! We did it, we fell in love!" There's no such thing.Falling in love can't be forced, worked toward, or anything.
> ...


But the whole point is how one goes about it!

And if for some reason you're inclined to feel that you are indeed laying there in bed next to your "brother or your sister," then one has to become more proactive with ethically extricating themselves from that situation without secretly running the backroads and dropping their pants for past BF's, and then coming right back home and doing their wifely duties, by simply rolling her hubby's bones like nothing has ever happened, and all is good.

It's all too apparent that the pursuit of "strange" just seems to greatly trump being honest enough to confront a spouse about being a party to a loveless marriage; when it's just so much more convenient to covertly do the nasty with some third party, while cake-eating their spouse.

You make the call!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Did you see where you just posted this? On the thread of a woman who's husband BEATS her. Not the place to talk about how men used to get screwed financially, sometimes, by divorce. Marriage was invented to screw women, literally and financially. Yeah, guys got the short end of the stick there for a few years. That sucks. But it sucks worse that women were legally beaten, raped, and deprived of their property systematically for hundreds of years in this country alone.
> 
> The woman who started this thread doesn't need you bashing women right here, ok? She's worried about her life, you're worried about your money. So inappropriate.


I feel great compassion for the originator lady of this thread as I personally think that any wife-beater out to have the literal crap beaten out of him. There's no justifiable excuse for that kind of behavior, period!

Far too many men play that game of deception by using those attributes to abuse their wives with the physical part of their being, whereas women more often than not use the legal system itself against their husbands.

No matter how you paint it, or what gender that you are, it all comes back to one thing ~ Deception!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> We got married when I was 20 and he was 23. I've met him when I was 17.
> 
> ?


THAT's when you should have known your marriage is over. They NEED to criminalize marrying your childhood sweetheart. Yes, CRIMINALIZE. Too many people get hurt.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

hambone said:


> Do you understand why... after I got divorced... I was bound and determined that I would NEVER... EVER.. be married again...
> 
> *NEVER!!!*
> 
> It all ended when I met a woman... It was love at first site... We've had a blissful 21 years... As bad as that first marriage was... the second one has been just that good.


Hamb. I am thoroughly please for you. How long after your first marriage did Mrs. Hambone become Mrs. Hambone? I will confess that your story was just tragically funny. Well done you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> We are doing MC for about 7 months now and I feel more confused than ever. Physical abuse stopped, emotional is getting better too but I feel cold. I don't desire his touch, we don't kiss.


You are my wife 15 years ago (although we had kids, which mixes it up a little). She never came back emotionally. I don't think you will either. Yet the greatest thing that my wife could have done for me at that time would have been to leave me. But she didn't, now we are both miserable. 

You can give your husband two great gifts in one move by leaving him:

1 - He can find someone who WILL love him and desire him.

2 - You will forever cure him of whatever it is that caused you to leave him. You say he's getting better, and that's great, but he needs the one thing that can cure an abusive husband for good. That kick in the gut that comes with realizing your marriage is over and it's his fault.

You are NOT helping him by staying with him. You are not helping him by preventing him from being with someone who could love him and desire him. Trust me. I know. I'm living it every day.

He'll be fine. Better even. If you leave him..


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