# no communication about sex



## langaan (Aug 28, 2013)

So im in my mid 30's, weve been married almost 14 years. Sex life has been off and on, but has definitely improved over the years.

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't talk about sex much. as in, she doesn't exactly tell me what she likes, dislikes etc...

so, sex is always the same...
I want it all the time, I am always the one to initiate. And when I do initiate, its kinda like flipping a coin as to whether its gonna happen or not. And all to often I feel like she is just accommodating me anyway.

a few years back we start playing around with toys, and now its like she needs them (vibrators) to finish. I don't know how often she was finishing before, but I don't think it was as much as she claims.

anyways,
nowadays, I put the feelers out and if she is accommodating than I initiate. It usually starts with me pleasuring her to get her aroused. As she gets more aroused, she eventually starts to pull me towards her or on top of her, which means she is almost there, ready and wants me to get inside her.

As for me, the one who always wants sex, always ready, I can get finish without much trouble in a few minutes. But like many other men, I try to think about other things, prolong it, with the end goal to make sure she finishes.

However, sometimes I just sit there stirring in my head about how it feels like she is just accommodating, not much interested in sex, and before I know it I lose that control and am finished far too quickly. To make matters worse, if I try to focus too hard on not finishing, I will literally lose my erection. its a double edged sword....

over the years, I have been aware of my wife being at home on her lunch breaks, grabbing the vibrator and taking care of herself.
this is just weird, because it makes me feel angry, inadequate, yet aroused all at the same time. but mostly I don't feel good about it, and I feel inadequetae that I never last long enough. I always think in my head, "why would she be having a bath on her lunch break when she knows I could be home in a heartbeat if she was in the mood?"
but then I realize, why would she wait for me if she knows I am not going to get the job done without the damn toy anyway. 
then I feel angry at her when its not even her fault. I feel inadequate, yda yada yada

since we have the toys, and when I finish too early, she will either hint or just straight out ask me to grab the toy. obviously to "finish the job"... which again makes me feel like crap.

even after getting her aroused, then finishing myself, then using a vibrator to finish her..... she typically gets almost to the point of orgasm again and pulls me on top to finish the job again.

but by this time, since I already finished the first time around, I am either not yet able to get an erection or I can but it just isn't "full". gah.....

thinking back, the obvious answer is to stay focused and try a little hard to prolong sex and make it better for her so we don't "need" the toys. 
but its hard to do this, because by the time I am ready to finish I am already thinking to myself that she isn't really enjoying herself, never initiates, and is gonna want the toys anyways so I just completed lose control and finish too early.

lastly, today I got a text from her around noon asking how my day was going. I know from experience that this text could just be her feeling me out to see if I am coming home for lunch. so, I don't answer the text. 
I was leaving to go home soon anyway.
so I go home and sure enough she is having a bath with the door locked.
I go into the bedroom and lay down.
she comes out, and is startled when she sees me. (she is carrying a towel with "something" wrapped up in it.
long story short, she had the vibrator in her hand and went to the laundry room to hide it before she left for work.


so, I find the vibrator in the in the drawer of the dryer when I am switching laundry over. and what do I do? I take the vibrator and put it back into the bedroom dresser drawer. 

I must have been thinking to myself that If I moved it, she would know that "I knew" what she was doing??
wtf? 
cause now, 2 hours later, I realize that she is either going to be embarrassed when she realizes I found it, but she is also going to be mad. Why on earth would I move it for any reason other than to make her aware that "I know" about it? 

know as if the original problem wasn't bad enough, now I feel like an ass for moving the darn thing just so she realizes I found it.

so lame.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried to get her off orally? Or have you always depended on good ol' PIV to do the job?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## langaan (Aug 28, 2013)

yes, many times. orally, fingers, toys, etc...

but even if I try orally, even then I am not sure if its what she wants.

its as if Im never really sure what she wants, if she wants, what she is willing to try, so its always a guessing game.


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## langaan (Aug 28, 2013)

I should add, even the vibrator doesn't always work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

langaan said:


> So im in my mid 30's, weve been married almost 14 years. Sex life has been off and on, but has definitely improved over the years.
> 
> Unfortunately, my wife doesn't talk about sex much. as in, she doesn't exactly tell me what she likes, dislikes etc...
> 
> ...


This is so painful to read. I was like your wife. I am so sorry for the pain this is causing you. 

First, you need to understand that her lack of response is only about 10% you and 90% her. And your 10% is only because you aren't forcing her to open up, you aren't finding ways to make a safe environment where she can admit to things that might be painful to hear but need to be said. It is not your job to read her mind or know her body better than she does. I know a lot of men like to think they know their way around a woman's body, but they really just know how to get a woman to participate in her own orgasms. 

I'll get back to this in a bit because I want to focus on her 90% share in making your sex life together a fabulous one.

She is hiding her arousal and hiding her sex drive. that doesn't mean you are inadaquate, it means she isn't sharing WITH YOU what turns her on, what feels best, what she really wants, how to get her there.

She rushes you to PIV when she's close. This tells me she is afraid of her sexual responses. maybe she's had some bad experiences, maybe she's self conscious about the faces she makes or what her body does when she orgasms. Who know why, but she is hiding and she is rushing. 

maybe she doesn't understand or see the link between love and trust? maybe she loves but is too afraid to trust? maybe she is overwhelmed with shame about her sexual responses and so she rushes you then hides her responses and keeps or orgasms to herself where it is safest.

NONE of this is your fault! She arrive in marriage with this baggage and it's time she started getting rid of the dead weight.

Show her this post. Maybe be she will see herself readily. Maybe she'll get angry and feel attacked, though I heartily hope not. But back when I was like your wife I would have been very very upset to see this. It also would have kick started a healing MUCH sooner and IMO, that's a good thing. Sometimes you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet...

Talk to your wife. Don't be afraid to bring this up. Yes, there are some things you could do to help bring her out but they have nothing what so ever to do with your stamina or technique!

Tell her you ant to see her masturbate. Tell her it would help you learn how to best please her....then she'll probably have a panic attack. Thats right where you want her because I don't think she knows that her sexual responses and needs are perfectly healthy and wonderfully normal, otherwise she wouldn't hide them. 

You need to be a man and put n the brave face and show her strength and confidence so she knows she can trust you to lead her through a sexual awakening, where you both learn how to best please each other.

Talk to her and post back?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Also wanted to add, moving her vibrator is excellent! Lets her know you know. Put a sticky note on it with a smile face. Tell her next time you'd love to hold it for her!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Call my crazy but to me this just screams out for a dominant response. I think that if you showed up at lunch and just took her, you'd be pleasantly surprised.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Call my crazy but to me this just screams out for a dominant response. I think that if you showed up at lunch and just took her, you'd be pleasantly surprised.


I think you may be right, but that would be a risky move while he is doubting himself and she won't talk. if she does have a bad experience holding her back, it would be a disastrous move.

But this horny menopausal woman has been without sex for over a week now and I just LOVE this idea! I think I have to lower my freak flag!!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife will not talk about sex either. I assume she either thinks it's disgusting, or she is embarrassed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Virtuous good wives aren't supposed to talk about dirty things!

They get this idea from parents, from church, from school... Teach your wives to love the feel of good clean dirt between their toes.

Do you have kids? Ask your wife if she hopes that her kids grow up to have happy marriages. Then ask if a happy marriage also includes a great, open, and honest sex life together. Yes, all happy marriages MUST include a great sex life and to pretend otherwise is lying!


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

It sounds like your wife isn't really in touch with her sexuality, and her responses that differ from your expectations are causing sex to be a mental issue with you, so you have dual problems, side-by-side. 

I'm not sure what the answer is, but it sounds like there is a barrier that needs to come down in your wife in regards to her sexuality. As long as she is so uncomfortable with the fact that she is sexual that she feels she must hide it from you to that extreme, nothing is going to get better.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is so painful to read. I was like your wife. I am so sorry for the pain this is causing you.
> 
> First, you need to understand that her lack of response is only about 10% you and 90% her. And your 10% is only because you aren't forcing her to open up, you aren't finding ways to make a safe environment where she can admit to things that might be painful to hear but need to be said. It is not your job to read her mind or know her body better than she does. I know a lot of men like to think they know their way around a woman's body, but they really just know how to get a woman to participate in her own orgasms.
> 
> ...


Love , love , love this response. Listen to this woman.

It's going to be tricky for you though. You really need to think this through and choose your approach and words very carefully....think of all possible reactions and responses from her. I agree....show her this post.

Also, really focus on Anons last paragraph for yourself. There is a very good chance that she may mot even really know what she wants. You are feeling all the pressure. Know that you are not inadequate, stop obsessing on all the misconceptions, negative thought patterns you are having that aren't allowing you to just relax and enjoy your wife at this point ....maybe all along ...which also contributed to where things are now....you are as stifled as she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I told my husband what I wanted which is just to say he is sorry when he says degrading things to me and tell me he loves me. He told me telling me he loves me isn't necessary, didn't get an apology either. It is very necessary because he has cheated and women don't have orgasms with men that have cheated, at least most don't. 

Now because I know he will never tell me he loves me I don't have any use for sex, not with him but I've never cheated, not yet anyway. I can't have an orgasm with him because of the cheating and it doesn't even feel good because of the insults and now I don't even have a I love you to look forward to. There's just nothing in it for me, I don't even feel close to him when we do, I look at it as more of a job.

A vibrator is a lifesaver for me. You men look at porn to get aroused, its no different.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Thebes said:


> I told my husband what I wanted which is just to say he is sorry when he says degrading things to me and tell me he loves me. He told me telling me he loves me isn't necessary, didn't get an apology either. It is very necessary because he has cheated and women don't have orgasms with men that have cheated, at least most don't.
> 
> Now because I know he will never tell me he loves me I don't have any use for sex, not with him but I've never cheated, not yet anyway. I can't have an orgasm with him because of the cheating and it doesn't even feel good because of the insults and now I don't even have a I love you to look forward to. There's just nothing in it for me, I don't even feel close to him when we do, I look at it as more of a job.
> 
> A vibrator is a lifesaver for me. You men look at porn to get aroused, its no different.


Ok that was kind of random. Are you suggesting that the OP must have cheated and that's why his wife won't communicate her desires? What part of his post made you think this?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Thebes said:


> I told my husband what I wanted which is just to say he is sorry when he says degrading things to me and tell me he loves me. He told me telling me he loves me isn't necessary, didn't get an apology either. It is very necessary because he has cheated and women don't have orgasms with men that have cheated, at least most don't.
> 
> Now because I know he will never tell me he loves me I don't have any use for sex, not with him but I've never cheated, not yet anyway. I can't have an orgasm with him because of the cheating and it doesn't even feel good because of the insults and now I don't even have a I love you to look forward to. There's just nothing in it for me, I don't even feel close to him when we do, I look at it as more of a job.
> 
> A vibrator is a lifesaver for me. You men look at porn to get aroused, its no different.


You are in a horrible situation. I hope you find the strength to do something about it but your post does not relate or connect to the the OP . I hope you consider starting your own thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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