# Helpless Near the Chesapeake



## ChesapeakeBlueCrab (Oct 28, 2010)

I don't know what to do. 
I became emotionally abusive (never physical) over the past 4 years due to extreme pain caused by a defective right ankle and foot. 
I became mean to my son. I distanced myself from my wife and family. I became selfish. I stopped listening. I failed to put her priorities over mine.
I just had everything reconstructed and as soon as i woke up from surgery I was able to see for the first time in 4 years what I had become. Then my wife told me she was spent and considering a separation.
My world has disintegrated. 
I have made it right with the kids. They are forgiving if you do the right thing. They have forgiven me.
My wife though - won't let me near, in, - i don't know what you want to call it. I don't want to bribe her. My actions are not to impress (not in that sense) but a result of love and affection and desire to give to her. I am not sure if she has checked out or not. She has given me chances before but I did not listen. She is tired. 
I am trying through my actions to demonstrate that the person who intimidated her, emotionally left her out to dry has been replaced. Am I able to do this without offending her? I have not tried to be intimate/physical (hell I am not even allowed upstairs) in order to let her have space.
Losing the family as a whole changes it from a Picasso to water colors (the value as a whole - my kids are awesome). 
How do I not completely beat myself up every moment of every day with the sorrow, regret and sadness that cascades through my like a torrent? To hear the words she says to the kids "I miss you" after being at work all day would mean more than any treasure or position.
I left a career in Real Estate in 2007 to stay home with the kids. I cannot go back to that and have no college education or formal training and pretty much feel helpless. I also just started seeing a Psychiatrist.
I just needed to get this off my chest and wonder, can anyone tell me that they worked it out in the end after some extreme circumstances?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Chesapeake. My story is similar to yours. My wife checked out years ago but I didn't figure it out until one night I kind of forced it out of her. We'd lost the intimacy in our marriage (3+years) and I was trying to fix it. It didn't go so well. She admited, more to get me off of her back than anything, that she didn't love me any more because of some abusive tendancies I showed.

In the intervening 6 months I have come to the realization that she's not coming back. Oh, she sleeps here and eats here and spends time with her kids here, but I'm not her husband. I'm not even her friend. Things can go great for weeks but one little thing will remind her of the man she doesn't like and it all goes back to square 1. And why should she love me? She doesn't love the man that abused her for years. 

OK, like you the realization was the hardest slap I'd ever received. It woke me up. Seeing what I've lost will cause me to never act that way again. It's been 6 months or more. I've changed. But into what? The person she fell in love with 20 years ago? No, I've changed, remember? I'm a different person. Does that automatically mean she's going to love this new person? Especially since she knows this person's history?

Sorry, I have no advice. I don't have a positive response for you either. No encouragement. Maybe that's why you didn't have any responses in the 24 hours since you posted this. No sucess stories. And you are hardly the first one here with a wife who's walked away. Nobody's got a sucess story to tell. Because they think all you want is good news, they're not responding. 

Here's where I start making my money. I make bets with all of the posters who will tell you I'm wrong. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your wife. She CAN come back if you work hard enough. I'm even giving 3-1 odds this week.

I've never seen it happen. The best advice you can get right now is start fixing yorself and your life for YOU. You and your kids. Get healthy. Start finishing projects you've put aside. Get out more w/o your roomate, er...wife more often. Live life for you. Sure, it may be your fault that she left, but you can't change the past. You took your vows, screwed up, but now you are trying to fix things. If she can't come along, it's her fight. Sorry, but you have a family to heal.

Good luck.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am a wife who has been emotionally abused. Mainly because husband has adhd and his family life really waas bad. He didn't know how to have a relationship. We tried for six years to have a baby and as soon as we had our son, he checked out on me and became a different man then the one I married.He had EA and flirted himself into more probs. 

Last year,when we celebrated our 17 years of marraige,he honored me by not even gettiing me a card and could have cared less but he was happy to take his gift though. After all the stuff he put me through, I snapped. I have not once forgotten his bday,father's day, christmas. I have tried to show him how a family should be and he just took it all for granted.I asked for a divorce. He had no relationship with his kids or me. Since last Oct. He has developed a relationship with his kidsbut I would not let him in because he hurt me way too many times. It wasn't until I came to this site that I got some clear advice.

Things will not be easy for you. To start with, read Love Busters and His needs,her needs. They are great books to get you in touch with all that you do that just hurts and how to communicate better. Also, your wife needs some personal attention. Before you became so negative, what things did you enjoy doing with your wife? Try taking her on a date to dinner and a movie,bring her a single red rose. Try to remember you neglected her and she wants to feel appreciated and loved. She will make it hard for you,I know I did. Just bear with it and read those books. That should get you started.have you read,the love dare or watched fireproof? They are also very good starting points.
I am here to tell you,it is NOT easy and yes, you can do it. Once my hubby realized I was one foot out the door and how much he had taken for granted, he put a lot of work into it. Sometimes it is one step forward and two steps back. I also let anger take over any improvements he made, be prepared. We celebrated our 18th. Anniversary last week and we are still working at it.but it is the first time in 12 years that we have started communicating. It can happen but you have to be serious and willing to commit and put blood, sweat and tears.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I have a another post here detailing my situation, but my husband is also verbally abusive and always puts his needs above mine. He has become so mean and nasty and I never know when it will get really bad and I am finding that it is just making me turn off my emotions. I have been hurt, sad, angry, etc., but in the end in order to cope I know I have started just shutting down. At a certain point I am sure I will lose all feelings I had for him, unless he can change now. Maybe if your wife continues to see changes she can find her love for you again, but if she has passed a certain point she just may not be able to go back again - it could be a case of too little too late, but you have to continue to try and exhaust all possibilities if you care. I know that when I see a glimmer of something good from my husband I am hopeful and want things to work, but I am also guarded because nothing so far has really been permanent as far as positive changes go. It may be frustrating and may take time, but it is not over until it's over so keep trying if it is important to you. You will at least then have the knowledge that you did try everything possible once you realized all the pain you had caused.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

OK. Two posters have proven my point. Any others? Sucess stories? 

Sorry, man. But I wouldn't even try. The two gals posting above don't look like they're coming back. Plus mine, that's three failures and zero success.

Come on, anyone?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Mr.K,
I don't agree with you. I am still working on my marraige. It has not been easy but I am leaving no stone unturned before I walk out. I will do all I can to make things work before I say it is over.everyone's situation is different and you can't tell somone you know by these few lines to chuck his life as he knows it. He needs to determine that and maybe his wife has been destroyed by his antics and just needs to see him think of her needs. What is he got to loose if he does try and he fails,NOTHING. I think he is looking for encouragement to keep trying,I don't think he wants to give up and he shouldn't until he decides he can't go on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

That's fine Tamara. I give you credit for being open to your man trying. I hope it works out for you. You will be the first one I'd heard of. Personally, I've got better things to do with my time than fight for what I'm pretty sure will be a losing proposition. 

And yes, people do come on here for encouragement. But maybe a little taste of reality will be the better medicine.

I'm pretty sure if I could contain a nuclear fusion reaction, it would change the world. I'm not going to try to do it though. And anyone that encourages me to alter my life to pursue that quest is doing me a disservice.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Maybe I'm too pessimistic about the affect of pain on a relationship, but after my fourth surgery on my ankle, where it was finally fused, ending my football hopes, an older man told me that no matter what, people will just not understand the impact of chronic pain unless they live it themselves.

I had a juvenile form of anklyosing spondylitis that progressed into adulthood, and even now, mornings are the worst (morning stiffness and pain are really common). It would mean the world to me if my wife acknowledged, but its simply not going to happen. But she's not a compassionate person. I'm going to try to quit talking about my situation, but suffice it to say that my wife has issues. 

I can't walk in the morning well due to the AM pain, and spend thirty minutes in the hot tub (thanks to my health insurance for filling the tub prescription). Then I'm off and normal, thanks to four pain medications and the immune suppressant drugs. I've actually fractured my clavicle and a bone in my foot without noticing for weeks.

Its made me insanely determined, and I smile almost all the time. I lift weights and even run on a special treadmill. At work, nobody can tell other than to rib me for walking like John Wayne. 

Over time, I do think your wife will begin to lower her guard, but only if she sees the changes and you are consistent. And she will watch you close enough that she'll begin to think of you as an overcomer. She will notice, and most people have some basic level of compassion. 

My children are amazing cheerleaders, however. On Saturday, one of my daughters brings coffee as I wake up and helps me make the long journey to the hot tub. She just can't get over how just sitting down to rest can change me from an active guy to a limping dad.


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