# Help please, am I nuts or is my husband overreacting?



## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I think I just need some sympathy or understanding now. I posted about a month ago in Ladies lounge about my husband planning a vacation without me on our anniversary. Well, he is there now and he did change it so I fly down Tuesday. However, I went to dinner and a movie with a girlfriend last night and now he wants a divorce because of that. 

Some background - I went to dinner and movie with this girl about 4 or 5 months ago and for some reason he got mad. I never did figure out why. He says it is because she is divorced, but we just had dinner and a movie and I was home by 9:00! 

So I did text him last night that I was going with her again and now he is pissed because I didn't discuss with him first and I knew he was mad last time. 

I do not get any of this, he can go off on vacation (and he is with a divorced buddy of his!!!) without me but while I sit home I cannot go to dinner and a movie with my friend? We have never gotten into trouble, she does not have a bad reputation and he has no reason to think she is a bad person. 

I told him this morning I was very upset he chose to go on vacation without me (he is there for 4 days with his friend and then the friend flys home and I am supposed to fly down for last 4 days) and I think that is a much bigger deal than the stupid movie. He said the point is I did not discuss with him first and I knew he was upset last time. I do get that, but why does he get a free pass to go on vacation without me and I can't even go to a stinking movie? He said he now doesn't want me to fly down, and he was going to do nice things for our anniversary this time, even buy me a present (I guess I am supposed to feel really bad becasue he is finally going to get me an anniversary present and I screwed it up). 

Am I nuts or he out of his mind to be mad about this? Especially when he planned a vacation without me??? :scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

No, you're not nuts....

To me it sounds like he was thinking about divorce before and just used this as the time to drop the bomb on you and to put the blame for divorce on you.....very weird to me.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Is he always this controlling, needing to know EVERYTHING you do and plan before it happens ? Yes, he does not seem balanced in his perspective at all -if he can hang out & go on vacation with a divorced male friend and have a problem with you going to a movie with a single female friend. Bizarre.

Any chance he is trying to make you mad - so you won't go down ? Are there other issues happening here behind the scenes ?


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I am just so sad. I have been in therapy for over a year, it was his idea but then he would never go so I have just gone alone. I actually thought in the last 4-5 months that things have been better. I told him that on the phone this morning and he said so what, that's 120 days and before that we had 5 bad years. He always tells me I bring up things from years ago, but then he does the same thing. I told him I couldn't change 5 years ago but I have been working very hard to make things better now and that is the best I can do. 

He told me I cause him too much stress and he has to pick between work and home because he can't keep going to work with all the stress we have. I guess he is picking his job. I am just so completely drained, sad and empty feeling. I really thought things were looking up and I was actually happy. It is so hard to think that way and then go to a movie and your husband of 12 years calls to tell you he can't stay married and keep his job. My heart has been totally broken.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I don't have any idea what is going on. He actually told me a week ago that he would marry me all over again and he loved me. How can his feelings change so fast and so drastically? My therapist has only met him once but says from what I tell her that she thinks he has a lot of issues that he refuses to deal with (mainly from an abusive childhood). He seems to take all his frustration out on me and in one of his saner moments he even admitted this. 

I feel like I am the only one trying to make things work. I did know for whatever reason he got mad when I went to dinner/movie with this girl a few months back and he says I should have discussed this with him before I went. I basically think he is right since I knew it might upset him, but he is on vacation with a recently divorced guy for crying out loud. I keep asking him why he gets a "pass" and I have to explain a 3 hour evening with my friend. I am just so completely lost. I keep hanging in trying to make things work. Do I just give up?


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## recursive (Nov 2, 2010)

Trooper. I think it's really unfair of your husband to impose these weird hypocritical expectations on you. You're not crazy and you deserve better. I'm sorry to say that. I know sometimes that is painful to hear. You deserve to know what it's like to be in a relationship where your significant other appreciates and adores your presence in their lives. You deserver to be in a relationship where you trust each other enough to be able to go out with a girl friend and now even have to think twice that your husband will use that as an excuse to divorce you. I'm am so saddened for your situation. It's not fair to you. You seem like a really sweet person who wants to try hard at your relationship. But relationships are a two sided street. It can't be all on your shoulders and he needs to work at it too. Best of luck to you!


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

Trooper, you're not crazy. You are being treated poorly. It's not right. What the heck is he doing for four days with his buddy? If you can support yourself, get out. If you can't, figure out a way to do it, and get out. He's already talking about divorce. You deserve better.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I can see what everyone means from an intellectual standpoint, but my emotions get in the way. He keeps saying it's not that I went out with her, but that I did it a few months ago and he got upset so I should have discussed it with him first. But I did tell him we were going to dinner (we have gone to dinner at least 6 times in the past year or two). He only got mad last time when we also went to the show-I don't get it. He says knowing how he felt I should have talked to him first. But I thought he was over it, I honeslty did. He often gets very mad and then a day or two later he is ok and doesn't want to talk about the issue so I guess I didn't realize it was an issue still. 

He actually told me a month ago that I should go and visit another friend of mine who lives in another state! She is not married either so I guess I figured if that was ok then certainly dinner and a movie was ok. So I had no idea he would get mad about me going to the movie with this woman. It's all so very odd to me. But I am so so sad. I really have been trying. I have called him 3 times this afternoon and he is not even answering his phone. I have a plane ticket to go to Florida Tuesday morning and I don't even know what to do. This is such a mess. 

Thanks for all your advice.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

This is my rational side speaking.....

Stop calling him....

He's trying to control you and you are giving into it.....

Please don't call him anymore....wait for his turn....maybe he'll get a little scared if he doesn't hear from you anymore....maybe he'll realize he's gone too far with this....

My extreme rational side would say don't bother going to FL on Tuesday....maybe that'll wake him up.....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First, this is why I recommend to people that in a marriage you are no longer just you--single--but that as a married person you have to always consider your spouse! Starting immediately I would suggest that the two of you, yes BOTH OF YOU, agree that you will make no decision until your spouse enthusiastically agrees with the decision. Then as he brings up something you disagree with, it is your job to respectfully state that you disagree, why, and make a suggestion that *would* work for you If you disagree, do not "sacrifice" thinking that next time he'll agree for you or something. Just say you disagree; it will be his responsibility to discipline himself to do nothing until you two agree. And vice versa, when you bring up something that HE disagrees with, it will be your responsibility to discipline yourself to not do it until you two agree. 

Now, for the sitch at hand. I have to admit that my rather feisty side thinks I would call him and say: "I have thought it, and all of this threatening and unloving behavior was precipitated because you did not discuss this vacation with me first and you knew I was upset about it. So I say you did exactly to me as you feel I did to you last night with the movie. You want me to 'discuss things with you first' then you discuss things with me first. And as to our anniversary, I am not flying to be with someone who treats me as if I am not valuable, I am taking myself to a dinner I deserve for the decades I have loved and been with you, and I am buying myself a present that I want. And when you are willing to offer me 100% of your affection and loyalty, ahead of your vacations, your friends, and your threats--come see me and I'll consider celebrating with you. Right now, there is nothing to celebrate. Goodbye."

I know--it's pretty :FIREdevil::cussing::whip: but then again it would sure call him on his :bsflag:!!


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Thanks Dale & Alexis. I know you are right, but I am such an emotional mess. I am sitting here crying and he is with his buddy in FL doing who knows what. I told him I was very hurt when he planned a vacation with his buddy for the first 4 days instead of me, but he somehow says that's different. He can be so hurtful to me and I know he is aware that I am an emotional mess right now. Why/how could someone be so cruel? It really hurts me. 

Thanks.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Well I can't even call him and say anything at this point because he will not answer when I call. I tried 3 times this afternoon and sent him a text. I know he is doing it to be mean, although he will say he just needed his peace on HIS vacation. He thinks because he works long hours at a stressful job and I work part time (because I was laid off about 1.5 years ago and have not yet found full time work) that he deserves more than I do. 

I know our marriage is a mess, the problem is that I still love him. I am just not sure he still loves me. One week he says he loves me and would marry me all over again and the next week he is mad because I went to a movie with a girlfriend. I have no idea what is going on or what to expect any given day.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

It sounds to me like he is trying to paint you the villian to justify whatever it is that he's doing with his buddy in FL.

I know you don't understand, and that's normal, because what he's doing is selfish and not making any sense. The thing is, you can't do anything about his behavior right now. You can only conrtol yours. 

I know you want to talk to him, to try to solve this issue, but it seems that he doesn't want to at the moment. 

I know it's hard. I know you don't know what to think at the moment. I know you feel blind sided and like you have no control over your own life at this moment. It's that helpless, heartbroken feeling. 

Vent on here if you need to, journal to yourself, write yourself an email. Do what you need to do, to get through this. I know it's hard, but don't call or text him. He knows right now that all he has to do is snap his fingers and you'll do whatever he wants. Let him sit and wonder, let him remember your value.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Trooper said:


> I know our marriage is a mess, *the problem is that I still love him*. I am just not sure he still loves me. One week he says he loves me and would marry me all over again and the next week he is mad because I went to a movie with a girlfriend. I have no idea what is going on or what to expect any given day.


#1--when you love someone, you think of what is best for them, right? And right now, it is best for your husband to learn the life lesson that he can not treat you like a child. He is your husband and you are to respect him, and the #1 thing you can do to respect him is to keep things that are HIS responsibility on HIM. He's being a jerk. Don't minimize it. You are a precious treasure, far more valuable than to be treated like this!

#2--in light of #1 I would suggest turning off your phone, your texts, and every other method he may have of contacting you, and carrying on for the next 3-4-5 days as if you are a grown woman who may choose to be with him but does not NEED him. This isn't tit-for-tat but rather a purposeful choice by you to live your own life and enjoy yourself despite his bad behavior and bad choices. 

Do you have children? Go out to dinner with them on your anniversary. Or if you're feeling sorry for yourself, go feed homeless people on your anniversary--it will put you in the right perspective to realize just how blessed you are and how much you have to be thankful for! But for the next 3-4-5 days, have a life that YOU enjoy that is also reasonable and appropriate (in other words I am definitely NOT advocating going to a strip club, which would be inappropriate; I'm suggesting using good judgment so that you know what you're doing is above reproach). 

Personally, it's my opinion that he picked on this "dinner and movie with a friend" as a way to pick a fight with you so he could say "FINE! Don't come! I won't give you an anniversary gift anyway!" Now he's refusing to answer his phone as a way of getting your frantic and hooking you so he can reel you in. I say, don't fall for it. Life is good--you are healthy and beautiful, you have a lovely home, warm bed, and plenty of food. Enjoy it and let him fume and fuss. That's his choice.  You can choose to ignore his tirade and carry on in a loving (but not clingy or needy) way; and he can choose to join you or not.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Thanks so much for the last two posts. I needed to hear that. I am heartbroken and frantic, but both of you are right. He is being selfish and controlling and there is nothing I can do to change his behavior, I can only control my own. 

I do not have children (that's a whole other saga) and both my parents are deceased so I think I am also feeling pretty alone and sorry for myself now. Doing volunteer work on my anniversary is actually a great idea. 

I still feel like an emotional hole, but I do feel better after hearing from so many nice people. Thank you!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I've been where you are. It's not fun.

Something I did that helped, is that I thought about those little parts of me that I gave up for him. Parts that I really missed, and made me... ME. 

I don't know about your finances, but I also got a really cool new hair do. It boosted my self esteem a lot, but there are other things you can do. 

Don't be with him because you "need" to, be with him because you "want" to. Also, although I know it's hard, think of what advise you would give your best friend if she were in your situation.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Thanks again. I do need a boost. I did just get an e-mail from him and it was shocking to me. I had sent him a message saying I was so upset and needed to talk to him and asking him to call me (I sent it several hours ago). Well as I said earlier he is there with his friend "Joe" until Tuesday and then Joe is supposed to fly home and I fly to Florida. Well his e-mail said and I quote "Joe says I should let you come down." WTF??? It's up to Joe? And he is going to LET me come down on what was supposed to be our vacation on our anniversary? Well now I am so pissed I can't even see straight. Maybe it's good to be mad instead of so sad. I don't know if his reply was a joke or what, but since when does a 43 year old man tell his wife that his friend said she could join him on his anniversary? He is even nuttier than I thought.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

My first suggestion.....Ignore the text !!!!!

No contact for now.....be strong !!!!!


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Good plan, thanks. I will ignore. At least I can keep my sanity then.


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