# Disciplining Kids with Ex Wife



## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

This is a long story so I'll try to give the Cliff's Notes version. My 1st grader brought home a set of scented markers and told my ex-wife he won them in a game in class. 2 days later the teacher sends a mass email saying a student brought them to school and they disappeared from this student's bag, did any parents notice them in their child's bag, and that she had a talk with the kids about being trustworthy. 

Obviously this is very troubling for both of us. The day this was found out was my custodial day and I talked to him and he claimed he found the markers on the floor in the hallway. This is where the book bags are so it is plausible but he could be lying further. At any rate, I talked to him about character and how the right thing to do would be to give the markers to an adult, etc. The ex and I agreed the punishment would be loss of electronics (ipod/pad, TV, Wii, etc.) and grounded to the house for 2 weeks. I told my ex it was going to be very difficult for him but also for her (she got them back for the weekend) and she was adamant he needed to learn a lesson. I get the kids back today after work and I come to find out that she caved and he has had his privileges reinstated. 

My question is whether I should stand firm here and explain that he is still grounded when with me, or if I need to be consistent with what she is doing. 

To be honest, I am sort of pissed at her both for caving so easily and quickly, as well as because my kids also had a sleepover on Friday night with one of her friends so that she could do a date on Valentine's Day. We have 50/50 custody and I feel like it is inappropriate to give up time with the kids for our personal life considering we each get 15 days per month to date or have a social life when we don't have the kids, but this has been a topic that bothers me for some time, though it is not something I have ever voiced to her. 

Anyway, very interested in hearing anyone's thoughts on whether to keep my son grounded or to give him a pass. I don't want to punish him for me being upset with the wife, but I also want to promote character development and the notion that actions have consequences.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your child is in grade 1 yes? So he's about 5 or 6 years old?

Grounding him for 2 weeks seems very excessive to me, given his young age. In that situation I think a talking to and the loss of electronics would have been enough. Grounding is for older kids, and 2 weeks is a loooooong time in a child's life - as young as yours.

Re the sleepover, there's really nothing you can do about that. What your ex wife does, unless it hurts your son and this didn't, is none of your business - and vice versa.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

neganagatime said:


> My question is whether I should stand firm here and explain that he is still grounded when with me, or if I need to be consistent with what she is doing.


Hell YES you need to stand firm. By caving, she is going to create a monster. Your kid HAS to know that the same rules go in both homes. Take her to a therapist, go legal, whatever you have to do, do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That said, (1) why does a first grader have electronics in the first place, and (2) what is a first grader doing that he needs to be grounded?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with tunera that she should co-parent with you and stand firm but the bottom line is you cannot control what she does with the kids whether it's punishment, sleepover or whatever. 

I also agree that two weeks is too long. I personally would have taken him to school with the markers and had him turn them over to the teacher with his explanation that he found them, have the talk that he shouldn't have lied that they were a prize - that demonstrates he KNEW it wasn't right to keep them and punish him for lying to you (re: prize) by grounding for an evening (no TV before bed or whatever) or one or two days.

This always sucks for the parent because enforcing punishment often means WE have to give up TV or put up with a restless whiny kid.  But we have to be consistent so it's best to not have to have ex enforce, too.

It's great if there is only one set of rules but the bottom line is kids adapt to different rules at different houses. Think about it - you knew there were things you could do at grandma's house you couldn't do at home. And you were more 'on your toes' at a friends' house and more inclined to clear your dishes, etc. or ask before getting a beverage as a guest. These are all examples of different rules at different homes. 

Kids only need a brief period to acclimate - I would plan something immediately upon my kiddo coming home to distract her and get her back in 'my house' mode, like a walk or a board game.

From now on, you can tell the ex what the kids did to deserve a punishment but I could keep the punishment on your time and the same for her unless it happened RIGHT before her visit in which case you can take away something they normally take with them like the iPod.

(My kid didn't get electronics until she was 9 or 10 and that was an ipod shuffle so she could listen to KidsBop. LOL times have already changed in just a few short years.)

PS - I wouldn't make him apologize to the kid or do this in front of the kid who had his markers stolen only b/c I know kids at that age and every time something goes missing in the class they'll blame him and call him names. I'd keep it between you/son/teacher.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> That said, (1) why does a first grader have electronics in the first place, and (2) what is a first grader doing that he needs to be grounded?


2) = possibly stole markers, definitely lied about how he came to have them


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I mean, what's a first grader doing leaving the house anyway? IME, first graders don't go anywhere without the parents being involved anyway. What's there to be grounded FROM?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

turnera said:


> No, I mean, what's a first grader doing leaving the house anyway? IME, first graders don't go anywhere without the parents being involved anyway. What's there to be grounded FROM?



Sleepovers...


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Just to be clear, he was spoken to by me and his teacher about trust, honesty, and doing the right thing. I was on the fence about an apology to the other student and after a chat with his teacher, decided it was appropriate (he maintains his story that he found the markers so it was a matter of not doing the right thing and turning them in rather than theft). 

Upon further reflection, I agree that 2 weeks is too long for a 7 year old, it was my ex’s idea in the first place but I agreed. When I got home to the kids on Monday evening, I explained to my son that despite the fact that his mom gave him his privileges back and he had a normal weekend, I felt that he had not fully experienced the consequences of his actions and would not get his TV and electronics privileges back until he returned to his mother’s on Weds. Ultimate this is like losing them for 3-4 days total which I think is reasonable for his age. He actually took it well and I found constructive things for us both to do so it really wasn’t much of a punishment, but I did want to reinforce that actions (or failure to act) has consequences. 

Regarding the things that occur when he is at his mom’s, well I guess I am slowly learning to accept that we are different people and while we agree on most substantive issues regarding the kids, we still have our own styles of parenting and will make decisions the other does not agree with. I don’t think she keeps a healthy boundary between her life with the kids and a dating life, but that’s an issue I can’t really influence. 

Anyway, thanks all for the thoughts and advice.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah a lot of kids aren't ready for sleepovers at that age but some are. My friend who is a teacher hears young kids talking about that. It depends - lots of single parents cooperate with each other and the kids are fine without mom and dad and sleep over. Mine wasn't quite ready until she was several years older and even now she prefers others to come to our house 

But aside from that, you can still 'ground' kids from play dates after school or on the weekend. At that age we DID get together at the roller rink or the park, etc. with other moms/kids for a few hours. those can certainly be removed as 'grounding' as well.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

turnera said:


> No, I mean, what's a first grader doing leaving the house anyway? IME, first graders don't go anywhere without the parents being involved anyway. What's there to be grounded FROM?


As mentioned the kids regularly have sleepovers, going to neighbors to play, having neighbors over, b-day parties, etc. 

Regarding the question about electronics, his mom has an ipad and the kids were playing games on it often enough that it made sense to get them their own ipod touch. Maybe 7 is too young for that but the reality is that virtually all of the kids' peers have them. It is sort of the same thing as a family having an Atari game system back in the 70s and 80s.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Electronics are fine, as long as you set a limit. DD23 had a limit of 1 hour total per day on whichever type of electronics she wanted (tv show, game, and/or computer) during the week and 2 hours during the weekend, unless it was time spent on those with us adults. This went on until close to high school. She was fine with it. I told her I would never say no to buying her books, so she filled a lot of her time reading and loves to learn now.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

My suggestion, for what it's worth. To avoid problems with the ex undermining your discipline, I'd make sure that going forward, any punishment you dish-out only relates to the time when the kid(s) are with you. So, if you want to do a two week grounding, and you alternate weeks, the punishment would be in effect for this week (assuming you have the kid(s)) and in two weeks, when they're back with you. Let the ex know that you're doing that, and why, and suggest that if she needs to punish them for something, that she follows the same practice.

Otherwise, and it sounds like it's already happened, the kid(s) will be come experts at playing one against the other. It's also not fair for one parent to make decisions which might impinge on plans the other one has during their custody times. This will result in frustration and resentment between the parents, and more importantly, a manipulative kids who is above consequences.


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