# Need Advice on my 5 year relationship.



## maymay (3 mo ago)

Hello, for context purposes I am a 27 year old woman and my partner is a 26 year old man.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost five years now. We met in his country while I was living with distant family for my studies. Him and I lived in his country for 4 years, we bought an apartment together and adopted a wonderful dog together there. 
Since I was studying I worked part time and my financial input in our daily expenses and the apartment was less than his, I still contributed to the best of my ability and I greatly contributed by renovating the apartment on my own. Our apartment’s value greatly increased since the renovation. We were both very happy following the purchase of our apartment, it brought us closer together. 
I should also add, we were neighbours to my cousin which we both felt very close to, she and her husband got married last year and have had a baby. My boyfriend has asked many time advice on how to propose to my cousin’s husband. I was never the type of girl to want to marry as I come from divorced parents. His parents have been together for as long as he’s been alive, so his view on marriage has always been more positive than mine. Anyway, he started saying he wanted to marry me one day and even started to talk about the ring he wanted to buy, showing me rings to see what I liked and so on. He got me excited, like I said, I never wanted to get married but suddenly I saw the appeal. To me you don’t need marriage to be committed to your relationship but I slowly started to see the appeal of being a family unit, to wear the same name and be one to the eyes of not only ourselves but society as well. 

Months go by, I graduate and can’t find work in my area. My parents who live in my home country offer me a job in the family business, with a decent income and they also offer a job to my partner with slightly better pay than his current job. 
My partner’s dream has always been to travel to my country, it is one of the things we bonded over when we met. He had applied for a visa in the past and had gotten accepted but with the pandemic we couldn’t move our whole life so easily. 
I started being very anxious and depressed over not finding a job so last year in november we decided I would move back to my country and he would join me whenever he would get his visa. So I moved with our dog, started working and found us an apartment and everything we needed for this new adventure. He visited me in January and still had no news form his visa, we enjoyed our vacation together and he went back. In march he got his visa and we were so excited! He let go of his job there and put our apartment up for rent so that we would have less expenses to take care of.

He got here and we started working together for my parents, it was okay at first but it quickly became difficult to work together and live together. I do find some of his responses to be unprofessional sometimes which puts me in a bad spot because he gets frustrated easily and is emotional but we are in a work place so it is difficult because if I say something to try and help it comes off as nagging and the girlfriend role blurs into coworker and vice versa and I find it really hard to juggle both. Also it's pretty embarrassing because we have small arguments in front of coworkers sometimes so it makes even worse.

Fast forward to now and we fight daily. He resents me because I got us an apartment with rent that is a little over our means and he feels we can’t do any activities because of this. He wants us to leave the place and find something cheaper but the lease is for one year and when I got it I had no credit and we also have a dog which makes it harder to find a landlord to accept us. And breaking a lease is really difficult to do here and he doesn't seem to realize all of this. Anytime we discuss money he always brings it back to the rental and how expensive it is. I wouldn’t mind moving but like i said breaking a lease here is really difficult so i feel like I can’t to do anything to fix the problem, I have told him this many times but he does not care about that and just wants to break the lease.

This weekend we got into a fight about commitment. We are planning a trip this winter in a very romantic island, I jokingly said I would love to get married there and he completely flipped out on me saying I had to stop pressuring him about proposing, this was news to me because I was never the one into marrying. I was really hurt because he said he didn’t feel like proposing to me anymore because of all this pressure. I was really confused and still am, I don’t even really want this so it makes feel really ****ty about myself. For the last year he’s been saying he wants to propose and now he doesn’t want to do it anymore because of me but I really don't remember bringing it up. I don’t know, makes me feel pretty bad about myself. 

And then later that day, he said "Remember, you have to sponsor me for next year" in regards to his residency in my country. I know this is for the both of us as we are saving up to purchase a home here but I feel weird about it now because he tells me he doesn't want to commit to me but I should blindly. It is a big responsibility to sponsor someone, it means they become your financial responsibility in case they don’t work or get sick, etc. 
He is a hardworking man and while living in his country he has helped me through financial hardship and I would do the same for him but the request made me feel uneasy after the conversation about mariage.

We also have intimacy problems. It has been this way since the beginning. I was always the one asking for it in the beginning of our relationship. I am usually left dissatisfied and we’ve had this conversation many times, we have tried a lot of things. He has been the one initiating things now as I don’t really want to have physical intimacy anymore. It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and aroused and frustrated so I try to avoid it. 
I reflected on the fact that I definitely value intimacy in a relationship and I have balanced the pros and the cons but in the end I would rather be in a relationship that fulfills me in all other aspects of life even if this aspect lacks. I am fortunate because he is really a thoughtful guy and I love him. He is my best friend, we have a lot of fun together and I feel I can be myself with him. He challenges me and we are both equally ambitious so we push each other out of our comfort zones to be our best. He has been the best partner I've had and apart from the problems we are experiencing now and the lack of intimacy, we are great together.

We have been wanting kids and trying for a while but we have stopped actively trying recently. Where we used to live it was sort of the norm to start trying for a family at our age and we were really excited to try before we moved but since moving things have changed. First we wanted to make sure we were financially stable and now we think we would like to be home owners here before having kids. But I also feel because we live in a big city now and people here have kids later on in life, it has changed his perspective and he still tells me he wants kids now but also doesn't act like it for example he will bring up future goals that are not very compatible with kids and that makes me rethink things. I don’t know, he has always been the committed kind of guy but I feel like things are changing and that it is not what he wants anymore and I wish he would share that with me.

I feel scared because I am almost 28 years old and I feel like if he doesn't want to commit to a family life with me, I need to know that we are both not wasting our time. I also wonder if the reason we can’t have kids is because we are sexually incompatible but I don’t really know if that is a real thing. (Just for clarification, in my past relationships I found a lot of joy in intimacy and it usually was a big part of the relationship and I was adventurous and willing to try a lot of things so this was new to me and a big adjustment because he is a lot more reserved)

I sometimes think about leaving the relationship but I would rather work at it. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know what to address first. I would love for him to find an another job but I feel like i can’t ask that of him because he made the sacrifice of coming here and leaving a job he loved. And I also want to stay in my parent’s company because I genuinely love my job. 
Like I said I have thought of ending the relationship and we have talked about it but he mentioned he would to take my half of our apartment from me as he can prove he has put more finance in it than I have. That scared me a lot, honestly. It would also really be unfortunate to let go of all we have built the last few years. 
I have also thought of moving back to his country as we were happier there but I am afraid it won’t fix our problems either. 
I would love some advice because I don’t know where to start, don’t know what conversations to have. Are we passed the point of fixing things? 

I would greatly appreciate any input and advice. Thank you so much for your time. I know this was quite long.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If after 5 years he and you aren't sure if you want to be married then the answer is you don't or specifically he doesn't.

This is a tough place to be in. It doesn't sound like long term this will be a marriage of joy. You are correct that at 28 it's time to know. You don't have too many other chances to try someone out for long term relationship/father material.

Personally. I'd break it off with him. Don't sponsor him. It wont be easy to be connected to him after the break. Just let him return to his country. Get him out of your life.

Then assess what you really want in a relationship. Start dating and only accept those that meet the criteria you set.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and for future reference... Please understand you and any guy you date will be hard pressed to escape 'normal'. What I mean by that is the normal things that tear a relationship apart. While I'm sure you had the best of intentions with the apartment, if it was above your means you probably should have passed and kept looking. Spending too much is stressful. How your partner is handling it isn't good. It is descriptive of what comes next. As he gets more comfortable in the relationship and also after you get married it will likely be worse.
The big ones to look out for are as follows....

1. Money
2. Sex
3. Children

If you really decide you want to keep him then he probably needs to get a different job. Working with you and for your parents isn't working out.


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## maymay (3 mo ago)

Hello,
I had not seen things this way


Anastasia6 said:


> It is descriptive of what comes next.


I would really like to find ways to make things work before taking such a drastic decision as breaking things off now. I agree he needs to find an another job if we want to work things out. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

maymay said:


> Hello,
> I had not seen things this way
> 
> I would really like to find ways to make things work before taking such a drastic decision as breaking things off now. I agree he needs to find an another job if we want to work things out. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer!


I appreciate that you want to make things work, but from your description above it sounds like you are the only one that wants this.
He seems perfectly content to cause these problems and is closed-minded to any alternatives other than what he wants.

I agree with @Anastasia6 that this seems like a lot of red flags for a long-term and joyful relationship.

I would recommend you make another attempt to communicate while also stressing the importance of this and that it is imperative that you are able to discuss problems and work through them as a couple. If you cannot, then you cannot have a relationship.

If he sees the light and starts to work with you then wonderful! There may be hope.
But if he doesn't want to work with you...don't hurt yourself further by staying with him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

maymay said:


> Hello,
> I had not seen things this way
> 
> I would really like to find ways to make things work before taking such a drastic decision as breaking things off now. I agree he needs to find an another job if we want to work things out. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer!


Please be aware. For many relationships that are as long as 5 years. That after marriage is often actually worse. Women sometime quit their jobs now that they are married (when the husband didn't plan that) or men often times think well now I've wife'd her up she can do all the chores or she can stop spending money. Or become more controlling or verbally abusive.

Please don't have children with this man until you know exactly what's going on. Children are precious and HARD on a relationship.

Frankly I do know where you are at. Please don't fall into sunk cost fallacy. You think you've put so much time and energy into this so far.... You have to work on it.

So you can't fix anything by yourself. Does he express any desire to work on it?
You know he will most likely play ball or try to keep you around at least long enough to get you to sponsor him if he desires to be in your country. So you can't even count on anything you see in the next 6-8 months of positive change is real.

Reread your own first post. Does this sound like a guy you want to be married to? Have kids with? Do you know how much kids cost? How much they can impact travel and other fun things?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

One other thing, I read in your post a lot of 'fear' of the outcomes of some hard decisions.

You shouldn't let your fear of temporary problems cause you to make bad life choices.
Yes, there may be some really hard things in certain actions, but the longer-term consequence of _not_ making those decisions could be much worse.

Best of luck to you OP.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Familiarity and excess closeness brings contempt.

Do not marry this man, the initial chemistry seems to have vanished.

Sorry, for your situation.

Talk to your parents, let them know about your doubts. It is good to have close allies.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP I just reread the first post.

He is basically also not trustworthy. He's saying he'll take all of the apartment money? I take it that wasn't the original agreement. So he's threatening you financially. I REALLY think this doesn't sound like the guy for you..... 

Also you say the best guy you've been with. In reality if you started this relationship at 22 how many long term relationships have you really had? There is better out there. You deserve someone who can be open and honest. Love you in adversity. Not jerk you around on commitment. Not threaten you financially and is trustworthy. A guy who will listen and learn how to have good sex. Even guys with PE can use fingers, toys, and tongues. 


IF for some reason (like you have a hard time letting go) then I'd get it in notarized writing what your rights are to the apartment / money from the apartment. I don't know what your agreement was or what you two think is fair but I wouldn't let that go while sponsoring him to boot.

You definitely have to talk to him about him being happier at a different job.

But I strongly encourage you to rethink the whole relationship.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I wouldn’t have kids with him - you say you’ve both been trying? So, you’re pressuring him (his words) to get married and now he doesn’t want to propose because of the pressure, but is reminding you that you need to sponsor him. Yea. I think I’d be getting off this train going nowhere.

It will hurt to break up, but he doesn’t sound ready for commitment to the level you want it. Which is fine. But, it would be easier if he just said that instead of finding out this way. There are words that you can’t take back in an argument, they just sort of hang out there as though they were in this slow moving cartoon bubble. lol


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## maymay (3 mo ago)

I am so very grateful for each everyone of you guy’s contribution to my post.

I am going to be honest, this is a lot to process and I am going to let all of this sink in for tonight. I have to admit this is overwhelming but I realize I have been burrying my head in sand refusing to look things for what they really are.

I have to clarify that my partner is not after residency here, he comes from Switzerland and could easily get it without my help. The reason I was « supposed » to sponsor him was because it would be faster for him to get his residency here and a residency means it would make for a lesser cash down percentage required in case we wanted to buy a home here in Canada, which was initially our plan. But since it is not a necessity you guys made me realize I definitely don’t need to be sponsoring him. He can do that on his own if he wishes. I also realize I am not ready to buy a second property with him especially when I feel so insecure about our first one together.I need to get that in order.

I really felt like he was a great guy but I think my comparisons are not so great either. I had one serious relationship in high school and then again a little later I was in a serious relationship for three years with a man 10 year my elder. We were very compatible physically but he had drug using problems and was physically and mentally abusive. We ultimately did not want the same things in life, I left the country after that relationship and was single and had a few partners but I didn’t have feelings, a little later I met my current partner.

When I met him, I felt I hit the jackpot since he was respectful, stable and kind. Which in retrospect is really the minimum I suppose. Anyway, as I said I have a lot to reflect on but I am very grateful for all of your insights! I definitely have to have a talk with him but I need put a few things in order first. Thank you again !


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

maymay said:


> When I met him, I felt I hit the jackpot since *he was respectful, stable and kind. Which in retrospect is really the minimum I suppose*. Anyway, as I said I have a lot to reflect on but I am very grateful for all of your insights! I definitely have to have a talk with him but I need put a few things in order first. Thank you again !


Let that sink in. That is the bare minimum. You deserve that and so much more.

Do you feel he is still kind? respectful? stable. Cause he seems to be going off the rails here.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

You don't know this man as well as you think..

Tbh .Sounds like he is using you/used you to get where he wanted to be. He laid on all the charm in the beginning, and now you're seeing the "real" him emerging. 



Unfortunately, you're his ticket to making his dreams come true.

Sounds like he's a scam artist. 


Don't marry this man. Don't sponsor him. Personally, I would end things, and find somewhere else to live. 


He's a manipulator and he's trying to blackmail you. 

He doesn't want the same things as you. Probably never has. He saw you and thought you were easy to fandango and he did. 



In the future, never work with someone you date or marry. Everyone needs space and personal time alone. Being with each other all day with no or little reprieve isn't good for any relationship.


Also, you two are highly incompatible.

Sexually, amongst other ways.

You are into sexual intimacy (fulfilling, adventurous, and satisfying at that), 

He isn't ( not at all, or at least not with you).

He can't please you sexually. He is boring sexually. 


This will eventually be a huge deal breaker (already is, don't know why you proceeded to date after the first couple of times when you knew it wouldn't get any better). This will cause more of an issue with you in the future. 

Please just end things. Let him go back to his country or wherever. He'll find another victim to scam. 

Tell your parents..
End everything.

Take your fur baby and leave.
Even if you have to stay with your parents or family.


This isn't it.

This isn't love for him. This is business.


If he genuinely loved you and liked you,

He wouldn't bring up the fact about you sponsoring him, and the financial aspects of the apartment.



He's going to quit his job and just be relying on you and your family financially.




Get away from that man.

He's a scammer.

Too many red flags


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

maymay said:


> When I met him, I felt I hit the jackpot since he was respectful, stable and kind. Which in retrospect is really the minimum I suppose.


It is.

In terms of “sexual compatibility” that is something you can work on with him and he can improve.

I have only ever argued twice in 25 years with my wife about money. This apparently is the all time number one item that splits people up.

As for changing priorities that can happen but it seems like you changed in different directions. My wife and I have always changed in the same direction at the same time.

Undoubtedly you can find someone you’re more compatible with. If you’re posting here then you’re already thinking about it. I’d say a first step would be talking with your partner about these issues and see what he says.

If he gets angry or defensive about it rather than trying to figure out solutions I’d say that’s a bad sign.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

maymay said:


> I am so very grateful for each everyone of you guy’s contribution to my post.
> 
> I am going to be honest, this is a lot to process and I am going to let all of this sink in for tonight. I have to admit this is overwhelming but I realize I have been burrying my head in sand refusing to look things for what they really are.
> 
> ...


Perhaps this is the best time to break up. You're in the best possible environment for you and would be much better off meeting a local man with more things in common with you.

You're near and with friends and family, you've traveled, older, wiser, can have a great life with much less stress. My suggestion is break it off now.


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