# Help...my husband is being a martyr!



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

So we are in the process of downsizing, our house is on the market and we even are in the process of negotiating an offer. 

We haven't found a new place yet... the one we liked was taken off the market. 

I suggested to him that maybe we should look again at a couple we sort of wrote off the first time (mainly because we didn't like them as much as the one that went off the market). The thing is, at the is point, we have no place to go if we sell.

He and I both agreed we are not going to RUSH into anything and that we will find a rent if neede for a while to get the kids into the school system by fall. I still stand by that. But even our favorite had its flaws (closet and storage space, very poor 3rd bedroom set up) that these ones don't have. 

But when I started to try and have a conversation with him about WHY I thought we might consider these others again, he got all martyr on me saying... I don't care, as long as YOU are happy. 

See THAT **** PISSES ME OFF. Talk about putting a nail into a conversation. Why does he do this?? I truly want everyone to feel good about where we go and the decisions we make, and yet, I feel constantly like I am fighting. :scratchhead:


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I can understand how his completely passive response irritates you. 

For one thing, he places all responsiblity for making this decision squarely back on your shoulders. That's alot of pressure to have - to make a major decision for the whole family. Because what if you make the wrong decision - will he then resent/blame you?

Secondly, you guys are a couple, and this issue is certainly something you should talk about TOGETHER. My husband does this to me quite often. I've told him I don't want a pushover/doormat for a husband and I'm not a princess - so stop being one and stop treating me like one. It's worked to SOME degree.

They have a sticky in the men's forum about "nice guy syndrome." Perhaps your husband has that issue. Have you ever TOLD him (CALMLY! LOL!) how you feel about it when he responds that way? You need to talk to him about it.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

julia71 said:


> I can understand how his completely passive response irritates you.
> 
> For one thing, he places all responsiblity for making this decision squarely back on your shoulders. That's alot of pressure to have - to make a major decision for the whole family. Because what if you make the wrong decision - will he then resent/blame you?
> 
> ...


YES YES!!! That is exactly how it feels. And it is exactly what he does. I almost feel like he does it on purpose so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything that doesn't go right. I detest it. 

We are supposed to go see these condos Saturday, and it had to be changed to Sunday. Well, I know he had plans to go out on his motorcycle on Fathers Day for a while. He likes that. And he likes to not have to worry about what time to get back. So when the realtor called and asked it we could come Sunday instead, I explained the situation and asked if we could do it early. 

So then I ask husband if that is ok, and he says "I guess so". ANOTHER wishy washy answer. I said please stop it. Please tell me yes or no. I don't want to read between the lines and I don't want to have to guess what you are thinking all the time. He said 9 am is fine on Sunday and walked away.

Honestly, how the hell does someone take something nice (me trying to be mindful of what HE wanted to do on Sunday and catering to it) and turn it into something so painful?????


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maybe the reason is that he DOESN'T care as long as you are happy.

Personally, I don't care much about my house. I hope it doesn't fall apart and hope we can make money when we sell it. But closet space, size of rooms, etc... I really don't care about. there are too many other things going on to get excited about that so as long as my wife is happy about the house, I'm OK with it.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Maybe the reason is that he DOESN'T care as long as you are happy.
> 
> Personally, I don't care much about my house. I hope it doesn't fall apart and hope we can make money when we sell it. But closet space, size of rooms, etc... I really don't care about. there are too many other things going on to get excited about that so as long as my wife is happy about the house, I'm OK with it.



I wish that was the case, I assure you it isn't. He most certainly does care. I just wish he'd be honest with me about all of it, but this is pretty normal for him (and maddening for me)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When we moved here I lead the family by a month. I looked for homes every day for a month. The 3rd day my wife came down here she picked out a home and put down a binder w/o discussing it with me. Since then she has complained constantly about living here. When I tell her she can sell the house tomorrow and pick out anything we can afford anywhere in the USoA she gets offended. I'm not being sarcastic when I say I really don't care as long as it's large enough and not a shamble. But apparently I'm the bad guy for not jumping in and doing most of the work, to be told 'no no no no'.

acccchhhhhhhh!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> When we moved here I lead the family by a month. I looked for homes every day for a month. The 3rd day my wife came down here she picked out a home and put down a binder w/o discussing it with me. Since then she has complained constantly about living here. When I tell her she can sell the house tomorrow and pick out anything we can afford anywhere in the USoA she gets offended. I'm not being sarcastic when I say I really don't care as long as it's large enough and not a shamble. But apparently I'm the bad guy for not jumping in and doing most of the work, to be told 'no no no no'.
> 
> acccchhhhhhhh!


That would be annoying! Believe me, that is not how I feel. Honestly, I hate THIS house (always did), but I knew he really wanted it and so we have been here 13 years. Just over the past couple has he too started to tire of the work and cost associated with it, so we agreed it was time to move on. 

He hates change, but I really really just want him to be honest. I don't think he is being honest with me about what he wants or doesn't or if he doesn't care.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We plan on downsizing soon. We don't need this space for only the two us. Eventually the kids have to move out before I'm in the old age home. So it's a forgone conclusion that this home will be replaced. To be honest, I'm thinking of a 'compound' with his and hers houses on it.

Only sort of kidding.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I downsized in October of last year (collateral damage result of divorce). It is a cute newer house and in a very nice end of town. However, it is smaller in so many ways. We also no longer have a pool. I had to get a storage unit for the first time ever because the furniture would not fit in the new house. There really is nothing wrong with this house, but I hate it. I also feel guilty because there are many families would have no problem living here. It just feels nothing like the home I lived in for 14 years prior.

The only area which has more room than my old house is the garage. What’s up with that?! Oh... and I no longer have a washroom. I have a wash closet where my front load washer & dryer hardly fit and it has these whacky accordion style doors. Hello!!!

Anyhow, downsizing is a very hard thing to accept when your heart is not 100% into it. My son and I have been here 8 months now, and it still doesn’t feel like home to me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Downsized 9 months ago and it sucked! It was totally worth it yes but it still sucked. Giving up half your space isn't easy or fun. My husband did not take it well and I was okay until we actually moved then I got depressed. I do not envy where you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am very very nervous about 'the stuff'. Wifey is a bit of a hoarder. Getting rid of 'the stuff' is going to be extremely high stress.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I’ve never been much of a hoarder and do not like clutter. Many of the items I do not want to get rid of are things I know will be financially difficult for me to replace on my own. That is, "IF" I ever get a bigger place. Honestly, the new place is more than big enough for my son and I. I was just spoiled and used to a bigger house. 

I have to give credit where credit is due, when my (ex)husband remodeled or upgraded something, he usually did it right. I get so frustrated with the cheaper methods previously used for this house. I mean ….. c’mon ….. could we please have used some properly treated fence lumber so I do not have to fight the damn gates to line up every time it rains heavily?! The dang gates can't be more than 5 years old because that's how old the house is. 

OH…. and let’s just not even go into the what-the-heck type of multi-breed lawn I’ve got growing in the backyard!? Good grief! Hind-sight is soooo 20/20. 

I believe we go into a new place hoping for the best and trying to be positive, but the "Home Sick Monster" is often lurking right around the corner for us shortly after we move in.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

to the OP, i have resorted to the same "tactic" on my wife that your husband is using on you. in her case, she in an over analyzer, i mean she literally locks herself up making lists, organizing data, etc... but she is actually afraid to make decisions. me on the other hand, i make quick decisions based on minimal but important info.

i do not like to deeply analyze, but my wife fails to recognize that and wants me to be as enthusiastic about analysis paralysis as she is. when i say "i just want you to be happy" or "whatever you want dear" it forces her back toward the middle away from the extreme, and will gladly meet her there to work things out.

i AM NOT implying that you are like my wife, maybe your husband just doesnt see the need to mull over things you think you do


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Well, our house is under contract...now we have to clean out and find someplace to go....goodness help us.


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Wow, this is amazing. I've never before heard of something like this. I was raised by both my dad and my mom to *always* only care what the other person wants and do whatever they want *especially* if it makes me unhappy. (By their reasoning, that's how we know we're doing the right thing in life.) 

I used to say the same to my wife - I don't care as long as *you* are happy - and she has been more than ok with that. I'm currently in a situation where I'm soul crushingly miserable but talking to my wife about is usually results in her saying, "This is the choice you made; you did this to yourself" or something similar. 

I can't even imagine living a life where a romantic partner would give a care how anything affects me. I'm beginning to learn this is codependency and a result of being raised in a family where my parents didn't care about my needs because they always needed me to meet their needs.... 

I can only think about myself, but I think if you said, "How you feel is as important to me as I feel is to you. I want you to be as happy with our decision as I am. Please help make this decision so we're both happy," he might feel like voicing his opinion...or perhaps telling you why he's suddenly deferring and making you take on all the responsibility.


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