# Quiting the marriage



## Nameo (Jul 11, 2011)

When do you know it is time to quit on a marriage?
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## HopeFilledMan (Jul 29, 2011)

Quit on a marriage? 
I will share my opinion in two parts:
1. Remember your vows (sample following) "I promise ALWAYS to love you as my spouse, and to completely give myself and all that I have to you. I pledge to care for you in sickness or in health. I will honor and cherish you ALL the days of my life, whether our circumstances are better or worse, richer or poorer..." Too many people in marriage today quit when the marriages could be restored. Question: Can you find good help to restore your marriage? Quitting is seldom a good idea. I've seen marriages restored from things as serious as an affair! Restoration is possible!

2. There are a few situations that do call for leaving a marriage. Physical abuse is one, for example, that I would advise a member of the couple to run. I cannot imagine a good situation to stay in a place where your life is actually in danger.

Thinking about you in your situation.
There.Is.Hope.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

I promise that, should my feelings change, I will remain in this marriage and make both of us miserable. I might have an affair or drive you to have an affair because we won't be partners and people need a connection. But I made a promise so I'll blindly stick to that promise because there's nothing worse than breaking a promise. Nothing. I'll teach our children that a loveless marriage is not only OK but the norm because you should NEVER BREAK A PROMISE. Unless you punch me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Physical abuse, and someone who is an addict and refuses to get help. Both have been deal-killers for me.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

HopeFilledMan said:


> "I promise ALWAYS to love you as my spouse, and to completely give myself and all that I have to you. I pledge to care for you in sickness or in health. I will honor and cherish you ALL the days of my life, whether our circumstances are better or worse, richer or poorer..."


Yes, but.... those vows were taken by TWO people, and if one of the people in the marriage does not hold up their part of the promise, then it's not so easy. Marriage needs to be a two-way street, it's supposed to be a 50/50 partnership, but when one does 1% and the other does 99%, doesn't work so well.


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## 1confusedgal (Jul 28, 2011)

dontKnowMe said:


> I promise that, should my feelings change, I will remain in this marriage and make both of us miserable. I might have an affair or drive you to have an affair because we won't be partners and people need a connection. But I made a promise so I'll blindly stick to that promise because there's nothing worse than breaking a promise. Nothing. I'll teach our children that a loveless marriage is not only OK but the norm because you should NEVER BREAK A PROMISE. Unless you punch me.


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## 1confusedgal (Jul 28, 2011)

Snap! I agree.
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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

To me, a marriage vow is like a contract. If ONE breaks the contract then the contract is no longer valid.

I sometimes see here where somebody complains about their spouse wanting out and feel that they should stick it out and honor the marriage vow.

The only problem is ... somewhere along the line the COMPLAINER themselves BROKE this marriage contract but still expects the other to honor such contract.

Like someone said ... It's a TWO way street and that marriage vow was meant for BOTH (not just one) to uphold and honor this contract.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Kauaiguy said:


> To me, a marriage vow is like a contract. If ONE breaks the contract then the contract is no longer valid.
> 
> I sometimes see here where somebody complains about their spouse wanting out and feel that they should stick it out and honor the marriage vow.
> 
> ...


Yeah, "they breached contract so I'm out". Selfishness at its core. Fact is, both will break the contract at some point because we are human. True happiness comes from giving. If you act selfishly, eventually, you will be lonely. Selfishness makes you a slave to your emotions. You feel angry, so you act angry. Only when you feelings become subservient to biblical action can you truly become whole. Go ahead leave. Fail to honor your covenant. Be a slave to the emotional self.
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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

But, as the late Princess Diana so famously said, " Now there are 3 of us in this marriage." 


That wasn't the deal I agree to....


~sammy


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

My thinking is that if BOTH parties in the marriage cared more about their spouse than they cared about themselves, this particular forum wouldn't exist. I used to feel that honoring the vows and the covenant were more important than being anything close to happy but my view is changing.

When, over the course of years one party is consistently ridiculously selfish and their behavior drives the other to the point of insanity/self-destruction, it's time to think REALLY hard about walking away. I'm not talking about about a bit here and a bit there, we all fail in that regard occasionally. I'm talking about a PATTERN of behavior that goes on over a period of years.

Selfishness kills a marriage and if one partner refuses to play nice, I'm thinking it's time to move on.
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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When you lose the ability to love your spouse unconditionally I think it's time to quit. 

There are many, many different reasons you get to that point, his fault, her fault, doesn't matter, to me that's the point of no return.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Yep. Selfishness is the killer. It really is a change of the heart in both parties. I KNOW. My wife was the unselfish one for years. Now, that has switched. I am experiencing what she experienced. Time heals many wounds. I was the selfish spouse. God does change people. 10 months in and we are better friends than we ever have been. However, I am carrying the load from the "marriage" perspective. Feelings and emotion are fickle. They change over time.
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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Dedicated2Her,

so is it working out for you both? Are you saying you both had to have a change of heart, or did selfishness change your heart?

~sammy


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated2Her,
> 
> so is it working out for you both? Are you saying you both had to have a change of heart, or did selfishness change your heart?
> 
> ~sammy


It is working out. Slowly. My wife is coming around and starting to give again in the past month. She really became bitter and resentful. It takes time for those things to be flushed. I came to a place of brokeness 10 months ago when I saw my selfishness. The view of my own selfishness changed my heart. It is a humbling process and humility can do amazing things in a relationship. She broke down last week and apologized to our daughter for being selfish the last year. So, the change is happening. My wife's bitterness and resentful feelings came from her looking at herself and saying, "When are MY needs going to be met?" She will never admit that to me, but I definitely see it.

So, yes and no. Selfishness in that I wanted to save my marriage changed my heart. However, I have learned that I only want her to be happy in "whatever that means". Divorce or not. That unselfishness has been developed. 

It has created an environment where we CAN make it. Structurally, we are MUCH more connected than we ever have been. But, in order for us to have the marriage we can have, her heart must change.

Problem with most men is that their ability to give and be selfless is directly proportionate to the result. (as long as you try, I will try)


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

So who was the WS and BS ? Was there an EA or PA or both? 

~sammy


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

She was ws. I was bs. No ea or pa, but we were very close.
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