# Controlling husband?



## Lililady (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi, everybody,

I would like to know if anyone else has a husband like this and your input? I love my husband, but I am starting to hate this relationship.

My husband was very sweet and romantic before marriage, when I worked and he still was graduating from college we lived together with my resources for 1 year in my country.

Now he works, I study, and we moved to his country. He changed a LOT. He is not romantic anymore, he tries to control every little setting of my day life. For example, if I dont go to sleep with him in the exact moment he wishes (any time he snaps his fingers, and not on a defined hour/schedule, cause he hasn't one), he sullies, screams, says I dont love him, curse me and all sort of dramas.

If I dont want something for a particular private reason (eating, doing an activity), he also screams and get pissed. If I dont go when he calls to check something on computer he says ok you dont love me anyways.

He nitpicks my dish washing is not perfect enough, hates when I clean the house cause I annoy him, doesnt want to go out with me if I am using shoes he doesnt like, etc. He even nagged last time that I moan too loud when I have an orgasm. 

Come on, is this normal? Whats going on, I am starting to hate him, I really dont want that. What can I do? I talked to him 3 times already, in nice tone, he says he understands and will change, but nothing happens. 

Now even when I am sick, he tries to compete with me and get "sicker".

Anybody had the same type of marriage? Whats wrong with those type of guys?

Thank you all and good week!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lililady said:


> Hi, everybody,
> 
> I would like to know if anyone else has a husband like this and your input? I love my husband, but I am starting to hate this relationship.
> 
> ...


It's a controlling person, but they are also looking at you through a negative and critical lense.

I would not attempt the stage act of perfecting the "wrongs" in front of them. It will always be something.

Some professions have a large percentage of people who act and look at things in this manner, and you may decide you are not going to limit yourself like this.

In this situation as a man, I would limit my exposure and communication. Get all my stuff done, perhaps within a tight framework the other "needs" can be met, but it may not be worth the hassle of continuous boundary management, making sure your not being monitored, etc.


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## Lililady (Sep 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's a controlling person, but they are also looking at you through a negative and critical lense.
> 
> I would not attempt the stage act of percecting the "wrongs" in front of them. It will always be something.
> 
> ...


Wow, treyvion, is exactly that, I feel like I have continously to show the boundaries of my personal choice to him and thats normal in a relationship. I feel monitored, I cant be myself anymore 

I tried what you said before but than he becomes loving and nice again for a short time. I dont know what to do anymore, really!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lililady said:


> Wow, treyvion, is exactly that, I feel like I have continously to show the boundaries of my personal choice to him and thats normal in a relationship. I feel monitored, I cant be myself anymore
> 
> I tried what you said before but than he becomes loving and nice again for a short time. I dont know what to do anymore, really!


They get stronger in their control through "time", so the time you respond to them and do what they want to do and when they reach out to you and are able to get to you easily.

Limit his time and interaction to you. Also focus on some things you want to do and make yourself scarce for a while.

It will help you. In the end you may have to say "no" sometimes to things you don't mind doing to limit this control monster from getting too "big".


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## Lililady (Sep 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> They get stronger in their control through "time", so the time you respond to them and do what they want to do and when they reach out to you and are able to get to you easily.
> 
> Limit his time and interaction to you. Also focus on some things you want to do and make yourself scarce for a while.
> 
> It will help you. In the end you may have to say "no" sometimes to things you don't mind doing to limit this control monster from getting too "big".


Thanks again, you are right, but do you think is possible to live happy for a long time with a person like this?

I am really not looking at his face for 2 days, and in the supermarket when I comment on something he try to imply I am something bad. All night, I had an allergy with bad nose, he called me evil whole night of sleep trying to get attention, I really dont know what to do, I dont think I am such a bad person


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lililady said:


> Thanks again, you are right, but do you think is possible to live happy for a long time with a person like this?
> 
> I am really not looking at his face for 2 days, and in the supermarket when I comment on something he try to imply I am something bad. All night, I had an allergy with bad nose, he called me evil whole night of sleep trying to get attention, I really dont know what to do, I dont think I am such a bad person


Your not. It's his problem. He has an issue. Some of these "controlling" behaviors are used to either "level you" or to put them "over" you. Some people have been doing it so long that it's a subconscious automatic reaction. 

I don't think it improves. But if you make yourself scarce, limit your interaction, delay your responses, not be so available, not say yes and help all the time, eventually he will probably just want some time with you and to be "good" for that time, but with alot of time, he will be back to his ways.

This is what they do. They will make you feel like utter and complete garbage, they will slow down your thinking ( focusing your attention on what they think is important ), make you doubt yourself - and the single best thing you can do is cut them out of your thought loops.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I see this time and time again on TAM. Trey's advice seem to be the only way to cope with this behavior.

I wonder if there is any way to sniff out these tendency before marriage, even if they do try to show you a positive demeanor before marriage.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I see this time and time again on TAM. Trey's advice seem to be the only way to cope with this behavior.
> 
> I wonder if there is any way to sniff out these tendency before marriage, even if they do try to show you a positive demeanor before marriage.


It's some relatively predominant traits. We overlook it due to the grease that good sex provides or alcohol or the party atmosphere may have dulled the effects of a controller.


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## Lililady (Sep 10, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I see this time and time again on TAM. Trey's advice seem to be the only way to cope with this behavior.
> 
> I wonder if there is any way to sniff out these tendency before marriage, even if they do try to show you a positive demeanor before marriage.


I know but is hard, I love him. He has his qualities too, he cooks for me, sometimes wash dishes, faithful, but he was so romantic, polite, charming, affectionate and understanding before marriage, but by the time we were engaged things started to change, I remember I was so nervous from this demanding about some wedding band he wanted to buy and hadnt the money and the tantrum when I said "is okay, anything now, we can change in some years when we can". He said this meant I will exchange him for some better man in the future. I got so nervous, couldnt do a bachelorette party, got 5 kg from anxiety eating before the day of wedding. 

He is so confident looking, but I dunno if is insecurity? Or needed to be accepted and loved and cared that he cant give that to anybody else and gets needy? What do you think?


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## Lililady (Sep 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Your not. It's his problem. He has an issue. Some of these "controlling" behaviors are used to either "level you" or to put them "over" you. Some people have been doing it so long that it's a subconscious automatic reaction.
> 
> I don't think it improves. But if you make yourself scarce, limit your interaction, delay your responses, not be so available, not say yes and help all the time, eventually he will probably just want some time with you and to be "good" for that time, but with alot of time, he will be back to his ways.
> 
> This is what they do. They will make you feel like utter and complete garbage, they will slow down your thinking ( focusing your attention on what they think is important ), make you doubt yourself - and the single best thing you can do is cut them out of your thought loops.


I think you are right, treyvion, i asked why he does this, if he doesnt understand we are in a partnership and he said he doesnt even know why does it. Sigh. Thanks for the advice!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lililady said:


> Thanks again, you are right, but do you think is possible to live happy for a long time with a person like this?


No it's not.

If you want to stay in this marriage you need to get some counselling for yourself, on your own, first. Then you need couples counselling.

Be aware though that any changes he makes will likely take years to ripple through to his behaviour.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Lililady said:


> Come on, is this normal? Whats going on?


Lili, I agree with Trey that your H's behavior does not sound normal and seems likely to get worse. Of course, you cannot diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for various personality disorders if you take time to learn what red flags to look for. This is why hundreds of hospitals and mental institutions are trying to educate the public by placing descriptions of these warning signs on their websites.

I mention "red flags" because the behaviors you describe -- the neediness, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, black-white thinking, fear of abandonment, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic signs of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means that everybody exhibits all of the BPD traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your H is exhibiting BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits these traits at a moderate to strong level. I don't know the answer to that question. I do believe, however, that you can easily spot any strong BPD traits exhibited by a man you've been living with for over a year. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim." I therefore suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar.

An easy place to start reading is my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you -- and I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, Lili.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

He sounds like he is testing the waters of emotional abuse. His patterns are directly related to "the cycle of violence" that abusers put victims through. 

I'm guessing he is emotionally immature, insecure, and has anger management issues as a result. 

These issues for me would be a deal breaker without help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much is his family around now that you are in his country?


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

Wow...trevion, good advice....this reminds me very much of ME and my situation....I'm going to "implement" these tools to see if they work..


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Focus on getting yourself to a place where you will be strong enough to stand up to this kind of behavior. Currently you are enabling it.

It is his insecurities projected onto you. As long as you allow him to communicate with you this way, he will continue to.

I don't think that you need to just start telling him off, more like call him on his behavior and tell him you won't tolerate it anymore, you love him very much but you can't go on like this anymore, he needs to fix himself and figure out why he feels this way. You can not fix it for him, nothing you do will ever be enough to satisfy his insecurity because the issue is himself. 

As long as you enable it, he has no reason to change.


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

Easy_e, was your comment directed at me (ella1048) or at Lillalady?


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