# Husband had an affair after 12 years of marriage



## katie2000 (May 1, 2014)

Hi there

my husband had an affair with an old school friend in an overseas trip for work, he continued once back through facebook and booked a flight to see her again taking the opportunity of going to visit his folks alone (his father has cancer and I agreed for him to have a month holiday with him while I stay back home with the two kids and a full time job).
I found out as I found his 'likes' too frequent and suspicious, he admitted he liked her but he did not want to leave.
He continues to 'like' her photos and status and I dont know if they are still in contact. With so much technology they could use skype, chat, phone, any means that I cannot trace.
The thing is, I lost the trust I had for 12 years, every time I come home I'm depressed, happy if he is not around. Since I've been taking antidepressants but everytime he 'likes' one of her pictures (note that he does not like anyone elses usually, unless it is family), I feel so down that I just cry myself to sleep.

Am I exagerating? how can i get out of this depression? my two kids need me and I cant seem to be myself anymore...


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Your depression is caused by you allowing your WS to repeatedly disrespect and betray you by staying in contact with, and showing care and affection for, some low life bottom feeder that he is having a PA/EA with.

Take control, boot him out of your life and then see what he does.

You'll start to feel heaps better then. I promise!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's clear he "likes" a lot more than just her pics.

What does he say when you ask him to end contact on Facebook? It's disrespectful that he continues to flaunt it in your face every time he "likes" her pics. If Facebook is used as an affair tool (EA, PA, or otherwise) then the Facebook account needs to go the way of his AOL account- deleted.

He needs to cut off 100 percent of all contact. If she is just a friend he should be willing to do this no questions asked. You have to be willing to come up with a line in the sand, and be willing to stick to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Both of you can start by reading "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. Have you talked to him about how this affects you? How is he justifying his actions?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it.

I've just witnessed a similar scenario unfolding with one of my work colleagues. Her husband will not put his foot down and show her consequences for her behaviour - so she is continuing to talk to (and, I bet, see) her AP. It's a vicious circle that you need to break.

It will seem counter intuitive, but you should tell your husband to cease all contact or you will divorce him. You have to be serious about the threat; quite often somebody in this "fog" of thinking will simply continue until they receive real consequences.

That might well mean serving him papers to show you are serious.

It will feel very, very uncomfortable for you but I (and "we") have seen it time and time again - both in real life and on here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Chris is right on. Once you put your foot down, your husband will have to choose. If the strong you is dignified, he may well be attracted to you fundamentally. If he is in love with her and wants to scrap your marriage for another relationship, good riddance, I say.

The worst thing you can do is sweep it under the rug. Your gut feeling is that he has already munched her rug and worse it is an emotional affair.

Tell him that you are letting him go if that's what he wants.

I suspect that once you spell it out by getting the divorce forms (you don't have to file yet) and ask him to sit down and read them and discuss them, he will panic. If he says he does not want divorce, then tell him he has to send an NC message and unfriend her on FB in front of you at once. This is necessary so that he cannot first warn her that the NC communication is phoney.

Read about the 180 and do it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would your H feel if you had an affair?

He would not like it one bit. 

I agree that you will have to respond to his actions. He is being very disrespectful of you. 

He is not going NC with her. He is not working hard on your marriage. You have to respect yourself, and he will have to have some consequences.

Has he been tested for stds? Have you talked to an attorney about your options? Does he know how he gets to pay you alimony and child support? Let him read the D papers.

Is his "friend" married? Have you told her husband? I sure he would like to know. Time to expose to his family and your family.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

OP you have handled this entire situation poorly you found out your husband had an affair with a old friend and he is still in contact with her OP your rugswipping the affair that's why you don't trust him has he done anything to earn your trust back. Has he started counseling??? are you in counseling??? do you have all of his passwords??? does he give you his itinerary for the day how transparent about the affair is he ??? is he even remorseful for what he has done to you and your family???? 



You need to start making demands here OP


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Katie...?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

xakulax said:


> OP you have handled this entire situation poorly you found out your husband had an affair with a old friend and he is still in contact with her OP your rugswipping the affair that's why you don't trust him has he done anything to earn your trust back. Has he started counseling??? are you in counseling??? do you have all of his passwords??? does he give you his itinerary for the day how transparent about the affair is he ??? is he even remorseful for what he has done to you and your family????
> 
> 
> 
> You need to start making demands here OP


Actually, Katie hasn't handled the situation badly. The only person who handled the situation badly was her husband.

Katie, ask your husband if he wants to save the marriage. If he says yes, he has to go No Contact with his bit on the side, he has to commit himself to you and he must stop cheating on you and your children.

Couples counselling will help, but only if he is 100% honest and 100% committed to you and your children.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Katie	

Your husband is a punk. He will choose to feed his selfish ego at the expense of his commitment to marriage and is also damaging his children. He cannot be appeased out of his selfishness.

*Use your emotional upheaval to start a plan to do everything thing for you and your children without any regard for your husband*. He has stepped on you and stabbed you in the back and you must decide that he is a detriment to your life and anything pertaining to him is counterproductive to your plan.

Your plan should include anything and everything that will build you up the right way. Do you have family, friends, church, synagogue, or/and a support group that can help build you up? They can point out how valuable you are in that you have not betrayed your commitment to marriage and you are the main source of protecting your children even though you have been hit with a terrible blow by your punk-AZZ husband. I am sure that you have other good qualities that need to be pointed out to you because you are too devastated to concentrate on them and take them all in.



*You need to use your pain to get fighting mad. Not with hatred but with determination and resolve*. Reach out to those in your community that will lift you up then pursue your plan to become more self sufficient. Do you have an interest that you have always wanted to do such as go back to school, a hobby that you enjoy, helping in a voluntary situation, etc.?

Right now you are probably too weak to do many of what has been suggested in this thread. Many of those suggestions are very good but if you are too overwhelmed right now then you need to get stronger so that you can implement them. If you can do them then do them now.


The cruel bottom line is this: 

*You are going to have to fight for your emotional health and you are either going to turn into a dish rag-door mat or you are going to come back up off the ground and start swinging.* Get a plan for you to get stronger and do not let anyone sidetrack you. At this time no one matters except you and your children. 


Many women have come back up and so can you. From what you have written you are a dedicated faithful mother and wife and you are a worthy woman that is vital for your children’s well being. Your children and you are much more important than your husband.


I know that you may want your husband back and may start compromising but your husband is a punk and in a fog right now and usually the fog people only respond to consequences. By you implementing your plan and allowing the consequences to happen to your husband; that will be the best way to get him out of the fog and dedicated back to his family. Regardless, *you need to get your plan working so that you can be fine with or without your husband. You and your children’s well being is at stake*


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## katie2000 (May 1, 2014)

Thank you all for your messages. They all make sense, as mb said, I'm too weak right now, but I need to get stronger to help myself and my kids.
I'll have a good think about what can help me and how to get back who I was before ... It is just not easy.
Thanks again for your encouraging words.,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

katie2000 said:


> Thank you all for your messages. They all make sense, as mb said, I'm too weak right now, but I need to get stronger to help myself and my kids.
> I'll have a good think about what can help me and how to get back who I was before ... It is just not easy.
> Thanks again for your encouraging words.,


Katie, we're here for you.:smthumbup:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Katie,
I was depressed for a long time after my H's affair. And then devastated when I found out he had resumed looking at porn. I had bee seeing a counselor for 2 years by then. She told me to at least speak to a lawyer, to learn my rights. She had been telling me that for two years. I was hesitant to talk with a lawyer, because I was afraid it would anger my husband and drive him away.

When I finally mustered up the courage to talk to a lawyer, and learned what could and could not happen, and what my rights were if we divorced, I began to feel less helpless, and to have more courage to stand up for what I will and will not put up with.

Just because you talk to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to do anything. Many lawyers will give free consultations. The first one I talked with charged $100, but it was well worth it. It also showed my husband that I was serious about not being a doormat if he ever decided to step out (physically or mentally online) again.

To help combat the depression, I'd recommend talking with your Dr. about meds. Try to rediscover the things you used to like to do, and start building up your own life and circle of (female) friends again.) The first days, weeks, months are the hardest.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Katie. Matt and Chris are very right. You need to be strong. 
Do the 180. It worked for me. Read my threads. It really works. You must be strong. The guy is in a fog right now. He needs to decide if it's her or you. No maybe or in between BS here. 
Why did he have an affair? Issues at home ? 
Tell us more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katie2000 (May 1, 2014)

Hi

We have been together for over 18 years and married for over 12 now. Two kids, one is 12 and one is 9, beautiful girls.

I'm a professional and work full time, he owns his business which I supported for 4 years until he started making some money. During that time, i work dead hard to support him and the girls, while giving him space to sort out the business.

He is now producing enough to help the family but I still have to work to make ends meet. I dont have a problem with it at all. 
We have been having some issues in the last few years because he thinks that because he is making money he does not need to help in the house, I also work full time and I cant do it all. Some of his comments would be things like 'I'll help you clean the kitchen' or 'I'll help you taking the kids to school'. My point has been that it is not 'helping' me but rather being part of this family. He then gets upset and shouts in front of the kids. So I stopped complaining and do as much as I can, and what I cannot do, I dont do.

Another issue that we had was about his fixation with porn. I confronted him as I think it is disrespectful and he said it was his business and nothing I could do about that. He has an ipad and usually watches it there, the kids now use the ipad to play games and I am very afraid that they may watch one of those videos. I have asked the kids to play on my work computer instead.
Can somebody tell me their opinion on porn in a married couple? I dont like it, it definitely puts me off and I find it disrespectful. Does anyone agrees with this? or not?

He met this old school friend in a business trip overseas, she is single, no kids, good job, good pay I guess, loads of time and seems fun. I'm busy, tired, two kids to look after, make enough money but spent loads as well, and that does not seem much fun I guess.

This is my summary, I'm no angel but I would have never even think about going out with anyone, not even befriending an old boyfriend in facebook, it is just not me. I guess that after all this time I thought he would be the same, but it is not the case.

Katie.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

I see there was a lot of disrespect for you and it is continuing.I have to laugh when these guys say I work all day and that means I don't have to do anything around the house.If he is still putting likes on her FB pictures you should post a copy of divorce papers and put a big I like on it.Show him the door.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Katie,
Did you and your husband agree before you married that he wouldn't have to do anything besides bring in a check once he was gainfully employed? If not, it sounds like he has some deeply ingrained ideas that he hadn't previously shared with you.

If you are working outside the home, and having to carry all the weight of running a household and caring for children, you will wear out emotionally and physically eventually, unless you are bionic!

He sounds childish and like an abusive bully at this point.

If he is ready to chuck you and his children for a fantasy relationship with a single woman, you need to bring him back to reality with permission to leave: divorce papers. You don't have to follow through if he wakes up. But you don't have to share him, or play second fiddle to a single wh*re who is willing to mess around with a married man and father. 

You are going to get different opinions here regarding marriage and p&rn. I agree with you. The idea of my husband looking at other women is a big turn-off to me...so much I will divorce him if he starts it up again. He knows that, and realizes that "hobby" hurt himself and our marriage overall. If your husband refuses to respect you and your wishes by continuing to look at p*rn, you are going to have to decide if you can live with that.

Your husband needs to know that you are willing and able to make other plans for your life if he continues to disrespect you, and thos plans will not include him.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

katie2000 said:


> Hi there
> 
> my husband had an affair with an old school friend in an overseas trip for work, he continued once back through facebook and booked a flight to see her again taking the opportunity of going to visit his folks alone (his father has cancer and I agreed for him to have a month holiday with him while I stay back home with the two kids and a full time job).
> I found out as I found his 'likes' too frequent and suspicious, he admitted he liked her but he did not want to leave.
> ...


I can only speak out of my experience and what I have learned since last year and when I say learn, I mean about me.....

1 you can not place your happiness on anyone other than yourself, otherwise this happens
2 He does what he does, is his problem not yours (very hard to come to understand)
3 let go of your ego and listen to what you really want (this takes time to differentiate what is one vs the other, tip, if you measure your thoughts by what I gain vs what I loose then that is ego)
4 take action now! that happens after 1-3 are realized
5 learn, read, ask you self the question, what do I truly want for life to show me this? (do not blame your self, that is not what is all about)
6 what is the other one telling you about your self?
7 You are only at peace when you are at peace with your self
8 You have no clue what the future may hold, so don't worry about it
9 Because of point eight, live today!
10 Therapy can help, however, remember, therapy only works as long as you are 100% true to your self...The therapies doesn't know you, if the image of your self is distorted, then the help you will get will be as distorted
11 we are not here (life) to solve anyone's problem, only our self's (you are not the savior of anyone)
12 Take this as a learning opportunity and grow

With all my love.....wish you the best!


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