# Everything Just Hit Me Hard Last Week...



## working_together

Wow, if anyone ever thought that divorce would be easy, they're crazy. Being apart from my ex for about a year and a half now, and I guess I have been stuffing my feelings, and rushing through the grieving process, I just wanted everything to go away, and move on. So does everyone else I bet.

Last Friday I realized that I have lots of healing to do yet, and I need to properly feel the the pain, go through the grief after being with someone for 24 years. I originally thought that since I was miserable in my marriage (the last two years), and that I took the step to end it, that I wouldn't need to go through any pain or grief, and if I did it meant that I really didn't want to end the marriage, or that I cared, and that would make me vulnerable, weak. But, after reading, and researching, I realize that even if you ended the relationship, weren't happy etc., you still have to go through the same feelings.

So what triggered all this??

Friday I dropped the kids off at their father's new place.....he moved in with the girlfriend.....yep, I got the full tour of their place by the happy couple. I thought I could manage it, I don't have any hard feelings toward the g/f, it is what it is. I left, and realized that I was starting to feel ill. I went over to a friend's house, had a couple of drinks talked about it a bit, but still didn't feel better. It took a couple of days to really understand that going through divorce is really tough, and while I have no regrets, I still have to muddle through the process, and I hate feeling pain, In the past I chose to escape any pain or stress, and I can no longer function by doing that. It didn't help in my marriage when I avoided problems by escaping either.

I am not ready to do the "combined activities", and I told the ex that I will not be present for my daughter's birthday party at his place, that I am having one here, and that I feel that it is not my place, and is unhealthy for me to be there....maybe next year..maybe never. And I guess that's ok. What am I supposed to say at a party that involves g/f's family, his family, and a few friends? lol, yeah, no thanks.

Deep breaths.


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## legiox

I will finally be able to serve D papers on my WAW and STBXW first week of Sept. I'm counting down the days I tell you that. I still miss her to a point. I'm over her and all the crap she put me through (walking out to live the single life). I haven't talked to her in over 10 months and have been doing great in the grieving process. However, last week I had a series of dreams about her (about 2-3 days in a row) for no reason I can think of. They were about the good times. I guess it's just my mind slowly letting go of the past and moving on for the future.


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## hope4family

My marriage wasn't anywhere near as long. A mere fraction of yours. That being said. I realize just how much work I have to do on myself, and at times it's overwhelming. I still trigger from time to time, and randomly burst into tears. But I make do. 

But then I do smile from time to time. I have made new friends, connected back with my family, and old friends. Life is more interesting now that's for sure. 

But, i'm also relatively young. So I guess, it's normal for me to say that.


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## Holland

It is hard WT, probably one of life's most painful experiences no matter who initiated and what the reasons.

It does ease, give it more time. A book that really helped me was "spiritual Divorce" I think by Debbie Ford, could be wrong on that. Anyway it help put things into perspective.

Just keep going, you will come out the other side, life will never be the same again but in many ways it can actually be much better than it was before.


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## COguy

It's OK to grieve. Don't try to bury it or get over it. Do what you're doing. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, and work through why they are upsetting.


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## angelpixie

I just had one of those things tonight. I had to go back to the house we shared (which exH bought from me) to pick up our DS after I got off work. It was a route that I took a few thousand times for the 8 years we lived in that house, but I have rarely driven it since I moved out almost 2 years ago. When I got on the road tonight, it was like the muscle memory kicked in and I had one of those deja vu experiences. So many things came up for me. I rarely get those kinds of triggers anymore, but it makes sense that they still come up. In many cases, our marriages and families were a big part of what defined us, and the end of that marriage doesn't just end the ways that marriage infiltrated our lives -- where we went, what we did, who we associated with. The longer we were in those marriages, the more ingrained those things became. It will take a while for our bodies to purge those things. Until we totally do, it's logical to think that they'll be brought up again periodically. 

Don't be hard on yourself, you're still just going through the process. And no, you don't ever _have_ to be OK with doing combined things with him and the new gf. You don't _have_ to do anything when it comes to him. Do what's right for you.


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## working_together

Thanks for all the support, triggers is about the best word to describe what I went through. I don't think I had one before last week.

I was 18 when I met my ex, and he was my first love, so yeah, it will take a while to define myself as not being with him.

Then add in that I have been dating a very nice guy for 7 months now who is going through exactly what I am. We're muddling through our feelings together. Even if it doesn't work out with this guy, I've made a great friend who tells me he adores me.

Life goes on.


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## Jellybeans

I'm sorry, Working. Sometimes the feelings that come along with it really do suck.  There are highs and lows and the ill feelings you felt were normal. 

I hope you have better days coming ahead and am sending you a big hug.

Just know that this is another part of your life starting now. A new chapter, and you get to direct it, like in a movie, any way you want.

Stay strong and chin up.


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## Jellybeans

Holland said:


> It is hard WT, probably one of life's most painful experiences no matter who initiated and what the reasons.


I so agree. It really does royally suck. 
But it does get better, thank God.


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## Converser

I would find it difficult to have any certain relationship with my ex. Going through the tour of the house would be too much for me I think if it were to happen to me. So I could understand that.

*sighs* All you can do is take the positives that come with it and whether it b God that placed your here, or the random connected happenings that the atoms in your body existed in star dust billions of years ago that now makes you part of the universe feeling this pain and emotion, there has to be some reasoning behind it.

Positive mental attitude and be happy is all I can say.


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## working_together

I'm starting a meditation course tomorrow night, so we'll see how that helps.

After all my research (lol), it would appear I am in the depression phase of the stages of grief, after this, I should be moving towards "acceptance". 

I'm hard on myself because I work with people who go through similar situations, I'm counseling them, trying to help them move forward etc. But, it's really hard to apply this to my own life, I feel like I should zip through all the stages, and be fine.

Blahhh


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## angelpixie

No, no, no, W_T. Give yourself the same compassion you'd give the people you counsel. Would you kick them in the ass and tell them to "Get over it, already" ? No? So, give yourself the same kind of break to take the time you personally need.


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## working_together

I'm glad I'm no longer angry, although I do get frustrated, but I mostly keep my mouth shut. 

For instance, when the kids come back on Sundays after their weekend at their dads, they're always a mess, tired, cranky, and just miserable. The ex puts them to bed late, and basically lets them watch tv until they fall asleep. My daughter can manage this to a point, she's 8, but my 5 year old son needs more sleep. I've brought it up a few times, and basically he denies that they're tired etc., and turns it back on me. WTF? Reminds me of what I lived with for many years...grrrr. 

Ok, so I'm left with two options, feeling frustrated, or just like everything else he does just let it go, he wins again, but I have peace of mind with no arguing.


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## angelpixie

I don't know if this is possible, but can you keep them up just as late the night before he gets them, so that they're crabby for him? Sometimes our saying something to them will have no effect, or will make them just be bigger a'holes. But if *they* actually have to deal with what you're describing to them, it often has the desired effect. Just an idea.


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## Unique Username

working_together said:


> Wow, if anyone ever thought that divorce would be easy, they're crazy. Being apart from my ex for about a year and a half now, and I guess I have been stuffing my feelings, and rushing through the grieving process, I just wanted everything to go away, and move on. So does everyone else I bet.
> 
> Last Friday I realized that I have lots of healing to do yet, and I need to properly feel the the pain, go through the grief after being with someone for 24 years. I originally thought that since I was miserable in my marriage (the last two years), and that I took the step to end it, that I wouldn't need to go through any pain or grief, and if I did it meant that I really didn't want to end the marriage, or that I cared, and that would make me vulnerable, weak. But, after reading, and researching, I realize that even if you ended the relationship, weren't happy etc., you still have to go through the same feelings.
> 
> So what triggered all this??
> 
> Friday I dropped the kids off at their father's new place.....he moved in with the girlfriend.....yep, I got the full tour of their place by the happy couple. I thought I could manage it, I don't have any hard feelings toward the g/f, it is what it is. I left, and realized that I was starting to feel ill. I went over to a friend's house, had a couple of drinks talked about it a bit, but still didn't feel better. It took a couple of days to really understand that going through divorce is really tough, and while I have no regrets, I still have to muddle through the process, and I hate feeling pain, In the past I chose to escape any pain or stress, and I can no longer function by doing that. It didn't help in my marriage when I avoided problems by escaping either.
> 
> I am not ready to do the "combined activities", and I told the ex that I will not be present for my daughter's birthday party at his place, that I am having one here, and that I feel that it is not my place, and is unhealthy for me to be there....maybe next year..maybe never. And I guess that's ok. What am I supposed to say at a party that involves g/f's family, his family, and a few friends? lol, yeah, no thanks.
> 
> Deep breaths.



It is tough period. Regardless of who is to blame, who initiated it etc.

It's 8 years later and I thought I was over it all, then certain life things happen and you get washed over with anger, resentment, pain, grief. I suppose these are called triggers. You are smart to remove yourself from situations where it is uncomfortable for you. 
"They" say time heals all wounds. I wanna know where we can find "them" and give them a swift kick in the caboose.


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## Unique Username

Working Together, I would explain to him that they have to have a bedtime. Structure is key to them being okay. He can choose whatever the set-time is and enforce it at his house. Hey, the kids are really dragging and tired when they get home Sundays. I understand that there is no set bedtime for them at your place....it must be tough to get them going for fun things Saturday morning. You know when I have plans for them I make sure they get plenty of rest the night before so that they are awake and happy for the activity. 
There is also the angle of when children have bedtimes, parents have alone time ( or time with SO if you have one) Where you could say something like I beet you and Fran (insert Ex spouses sig other name here) have a ****ens of a time getting the kids up an motivated on Sat or Sunday or whatever yadda yadda 

Also, expect nothing to change though. You can't control someone elses behavior....especially an ex-spouse and moreso if it is a vindictive or selfish ex-spouse.

When it doesn't change (You could then explain that since he continues to let them stay up all weekend and they are dog-tired when they come home they need to come home a bit earlier so you can feed them, have them get baths and then to sleep early to make up a little for the weekend.) But that's optional and probably won't work either. But you never know lol people are strange.
BUT make Sundays a Great opportunity after baths for you and the two to crawl in your bed for a nice story and a snoozefest.
Don't forget to put a load of clothes in the washer during dinner and in the dryer during baths...have them help you fold then crawl in bed for the snoozefest..maybe have some popcorn or cookies make it a special Sunday evening. If they fall asleep great. If they don't then this is memorable quality time with mommy.

Sadly, you can't dictate what happens at his house.

Another tip - Whatever you need to change with the ex.....Often if you have like 2-3 solutions (all of which are acceptable to you) and you give them the opportunity to "solve" the problem by helping you choose which option is the best. It's all their idea then (haha since you gave only options you are comfortable with in the first place) so they get the credit of solving the problem and choosing the solution and the illusion of control. Works with selfish or narcisistic people in many situations. HTH

good luck!!


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