# Husband is confused, I am not



## sheilacp (Mar 16, 2013)

Hello - I will try to make this short...
I have been married for 20 years - most of those years have been good ones but we have for sure had our rough spots. Since early December we have been on a roller-coaster ride, with trying to figure out where we are in our marriage. My husband originally said that he wanted to work on things and make our marriage work, but now things have degraded to the point that he isn't sure if he wants to even try. We did have a pattern over the years of making extra effort for a while, then both of us sliding back to to where we were. He says that he has no confidence that things will turn around for good. I admit that I have not prioritized our marriage enough in the past, but I have done a WHOLE LOT of soul-searching over the past several months and I do not want to lose him. We have never gotten to this point before and it really was a giant wake-up call for me...I always sort of took it for granted that we would be together, no matter what. We are both living in our house (he sleeps in the basement, me in the bedroom) and we are going to MC. I have been trying to be the spouse that I should have always been, but I'm getting zilch from him. The counselor said to keep trying and not pressure him into making a decision...that if he hasn't moved out or made an appt with an attorney, he just needs more time to figure it out one way or the other. We get along and talk about day to day stuff (and we have a 17 yo daughter) but there is no emotion from him towards me. I continue to have hope, but it's fading. He gives me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" comment. This is so frustrating - how long do I wait??


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What caused the problems to come to the point that he is sleeping in the basement?

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"........Is he seeing someone else?


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## sheilacp (Mar 16, 2013)

Sleeping in the basement...I think he feels like it would be giving me false hope if he were to sleep in our bed. He says he needs a little space, so I guess the basement is his space. How things got to this point? Well, how much time do you have  Both of us being lazy in our marriage, but I admit that I do own a larger portion of it. I have not supported him in a lot of ways, mostly because I had a low opinion of myself - overweight, feeling old, undesirable. He NEVER made me feel that way, I did it to myself. And if you don't feel worthy of yourself, you don't feel like anyone else could value you. I see now that I was sort of pushing him away before he rejected me. 

There was an emotional affair, which I found out about from friends, that lasted about two months. I truly believe him when he says that it did not become physical, but that doesn't really make too much of a difference to me...an affair is an affair. He found a friend that made him feel good about himself because I wasn't making him feel that way. I am not condoning what he did and it hurts like hell, but I understand how it happened. 

The point we are at now is whether he can let go of the hurt from the past and actively work on our marriage. He has no confidence that changes will last, but finally - at last, after many years and with counseling - I do have the confidence. We both have been through a lot in the last year with some self-realizations, and I think we would be coming at with much different perspectives than before. I have no expectation or goal that we ride off into the sunset and are a perfect marriage for another 20 years; my only goal is to TRY, and see where it takes us. We might both realize that this is the end, but it might be a new beginning. I just wish he would try, but I have committed to being who I wanted to be all along - I just didn't know how to do it. And I continue to have hope until he tells me that there is no hope left.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You want what he wants...the marriage to work. The difference is he lacks your confidence. By your own admission, you neglected your marriage badly, so the EA is not really just his beer. He has a wife and if she wasn't attending to his emotional needs, it's only natural that someone else would. It's not as if he has a switch that he can flip and transform into a sexless, emotionless cyborg for months or years at a time. You know better than any of us, but was his EA really the problem or was it just the natural symptom of the real problem....neglect. If I neglect my wife long enough, as faithful as she is, she will eventually seek solace elsewhere. That would be my choice more than her's.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Are you 100% sure the EA has ended?

Also, you said "The point we are at now is whether he can let go of the hurt from the past and actively work on our marriage." If you admit to 20 years of neglecting his emotional needs, do you really expect a few months of "good behavior" from you to be enough to make up for that? 

Honestly, if the EA really is over and he is remorseful about it, and if you really want to work this out for the long haul, you're going to need to give him probably at least a year or two of continued "good behavior", meaning meeting his emotional needs consistently. Your H has good reason to be be slow to trusting you emotionally...he needs to know this isn't just a temporary thing. And he'll need to give you a year or two of complete transparency and regaining your trust because of his EA.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Have you tried making changes physically so that you at least boost your self esteem in that area? A new hair style, and new clothing style to help you feel younger. Dress a little nicer around the house. Go on a diet and exercise to lose weight so that not only will you have more confidence and feel sexier, but your husband will take notice and find you more attractive and it goes full circle. 

Do you cook dinners? Does he eat with you? Maybe try some new recipes. Would he be willing to go out to eat with you, go to a museum, a movie......something? 

Not sure if this would be a good idea or not, but if you think you are mostly at fault, and you are trying to meet his emotional needs, have you considered asking him if he would like to change sleeping arrangements and you take the basement and let him have the bedroom?


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## sheilacp (Mar 16, 2013)

Thanks for the comments.

To be clear, I didn't neglect his needs for 20 years. We have had our share of ups and downs like every other marriage I know, and a lot of it was on both of our parts - just letting life get in the way. I am accepting a bit more of the blame for the last couple of years, not 20 years. I know that I need to give him more time, but it was only 1 month ago that he was asking me to keep working on things (before I found out about the EA). And I do think the EA is/was just a symptom of our problems, certainly not the problem itself. I thought I made that clear in my previous post, but apparently not.

Yes, I have begun doing things for myself and I feel happier with myself than i have in a long long time. Not happy with our situation, but happy with myself. He also has had some personal breakthroughs this past year, and he feels more confident in himself. I think we deserve "one more try" with this new perspective and active participation on both sides, and I am very prepared for it to be just a try. 

I have offered time and again to sleep on the couch in the basement, but I really think that he is almost punishing himself for the EA - he knows that I have forgiven him, but I don't know if he has forgiven himself. I do believe that contact has been cut-off, but I'm not naive enough to think that he just flipped a switch in his heart and she is out of his thoughts. 

As much as I take ownership for my part in winding up where we are right now, the thought of waiting "years" is a horrific thought.


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