# Keep ending up back in the same place



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

My wife and I have had countless conversations over the years about her lack of initiating sex and the way it makes me feel inadequate. We do have sex on a fairly regular basis (2-3 times a week), but for the most part, it is initiated by me. The sticking point we have hit a number of times over the last 6 months, is that she has prolonged monthly cycles that generally last close to a week and a half. During her cycles, she is generally not interested in having sex, and that means nothing for me either. 

We have had at least two discussions about this within the last two or three months. That on my part, I enjoy pleasuring her, that even though I couldn't have my fun, I'd still want to please her. She said she would try to please me during her period, and to this day, still has not even attempted to once.

Her lack of interest in sex and being the instigator has been a pretty big sticking point in our relationship over the years. My feelings of inadequacy and not feeling desirable, coupled with her past infidelity have obviously had a negative impact on our relationship. As we try to move forward and improve our relationship, it is difficult when she still continues to be selfish in regard to not thinking of my needs. 

I'm not sure what else I can do aside from continuing to try and communicate this to her. The more we talk about it and the more it continues to not change, the more resentment and anger that build up. She knows my sex drive is much higher than hers, and has admitted she wished hers was higher. Yet she seems to be complacent with letting me twist in the wind.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You're getting sex 2 to 3 times a week and you would like her to initiate more? I suggest you read some of the posts where men are getting sex 2 to 3 times per year and see if that helps. 

Also check out MMSL Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life. Also glance through his blog.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

CG, I was going to say the same thing, but then I thought some more and.. it all depends on the perspective. my longest "dry run" thus far has been several months. if I'd come to a forum where "average poster" deals w/ problem of not having sex for several years, they could well say "cmon, man, you're getting laid more than once a year?? you ungrateful bastard!"

but yep, I agree, 2-3 times a week would be heaven on earth for me 
from what I've read lately (here and there), 2-3 times a week is a golden standard frequency of intimacy for most. still, the OP may see this as an issue, OTOH, cmon, man.. you ungrateful bastard!


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

She isn't initiating at all, not 2-3 times per week. When we do have sex, it's because I push the issue. I can understand that those that don't have it at all or 2-3 times per year, would take what I am having a run, but for me I'd like for her to actually be the one to initiate. To feel like she desires me and isn't just going along for the ride (no pun intended).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> You're getting sex 2 to 3 times a week and you would like her to initiate more? I suggest you read some of the posts where men are getting sex 2 to 3 times per year and see if that helps.


I have the feeling that, if he didn't initiate, they would have a lot less sex...


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

mrcow said:


> CG, I was going to say the same thing, but then I thought some more and.. it all depends on the perspective. my longest "dry run" thus far has been several months. if I'd come to a forum where "average poster" deals w/ problem of not having sex for several years, they could well say "cmon, man, you're getting laid more than once a year?? you ungrateful bastard!"
> 
> but yep, I agree, 2-3 times a week would be heaven on earth for me
> from what I've read lately (here and there), 2-3 times a week is a golden standard frequency of intimacy for most. still, the OP may see this as an issue, OTOH, cmon, man.. you ungrateful bastard!


It thought about saying that I suggested that because that's what I did and it has helped me a great deal. The insights gained from reading others posts have been invaluable to me. Also I would have never known about MMSL and NMMNG. I love to read, so that was good advice. I suspect the poster may have something to say about quality next...ie: no hj or bj during her time of the month. Her infidelity didn't sound to good. There are other troubles in the marriage besides sex it would seem.


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

SadLovingHusband said:


> She isn't initiating at all, not 2-3 times per week. When we do have sex, it's because I push the issue. I can understand that those that don't have it at all or 2-3 times per year, would take what I am having a run, but for me I'd like for her to actually be the one to initiate. To feel like she desires me and isn't just going along for the ride (no pun intended).


in that case I apologize. that can be devastating, especially, if it comes together w/ a bored look ("well, ceiling needs a repair.." style look) during sex  

CG recommended "Married Man Sex Life" - I recommend it, too.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Could it be she's feeling pressured and you're feeling rejected?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> CG, I was going to say the same thing, but then I thought some more and.. it all depends on the perspective. my longest "dry run" thus far has been several months. if I'd come to a forum where "average poster" deals w/ problem of not having sex for several years, they could well say "cmon, man, you're getting laid more than once a year?? you ungrateful bastard!"


Yes but most people would agree that several MONTHS in between at a time indicates an 'unhealthy" sexual dynamic(that would be sexual DYSFUNCTION)..If you are talking about frequency 2-3 times a week is actually above average ....that is not an indicator that the person has a sexual dysfunction ..

IOW in your case you had a sexually dysfunctional marriage that could be compared to a "worse" sexually dysfunctional couple..thats just a difference in severity..


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If he has to initiate all the time, there is a degree of dysfunction...


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife has initiated maybe twice in over 15 years and says that it's "not her style" to do so. Then she gets annoyed that I'm always initiating, meaning that I am way more HD than she. 

If you're getting laid 2-3 x a week, I'd be happy with that. I'm lucky if I get it once every week or two and a HJ twice a week.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> My wife has initiated maybe twice in over 15 years and says that it's "not her style" to do so. Then she gets annoyed that I'm always initiating, meaning that I am way more HD than she.
> 
> If you're getting laid 2-3 x a week, I'd be happy with that. I'm lucky if I get it once every week or two and a HJ twice a week.



you are still doing well... once every 3 weeks here on average, with no in interim relief...  In over 25 years together, I remember my wife initiating twice...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I honestly don't see the problem here.

He's not complaining about the quality of sex. He's complaining about (a) she not initiating (although it sounds like she's a willing participant when he initiates) and (b) that SOMETIMES he has to go a week and a half because of her period.

I almost think that because he mentioned her past infidelity, it's "you're going to f*** me when I want it" kind of thinking.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think he is mainly complaining about having to initiate all the time, which makes him feel unwanted... doesn't seem that complicated to me and I understand that. Shifting the POV to the fact that he is getting plenty is rather misleading, IMHO.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I also noticed his words unless Im reading it wrong he said "for the most part" he initiates which would mean to me she does initiate just not as often as he wants..

If its something that is just not in her nature which for lots of women it just isnt..And its something shes uncomfortable with I would PRAISE her for her doing it at all when she does..reiterate how good it makes you feel rather than critisize her that its just not enough..its back to that reverse sexual rejection aimed at the lower drive /lesss initiative person..the same feelings of inadequacy and being a complete sexual failure happen to the 'lowER" drive spouse when they are trying even if its NOT at your desired level and told they just still arent satisfying you...

Also the period thing..you comapring YOURSELF and what you WOULD do for her if the situation was reversed is basically you just saying you are a better person that she is..and unless she is "just like you " shes got something wrong with her..

And by the way having a period for a week and 1/2 SUCKS for her too...it is by far a 'sexy event' for most women and calling her selfish because it affects her level of sexual interest is downright wrong..

You said you would "still want to please her " ?How do you know?When is the last time you bled for 10 days...?That also by the way can cause fatigue in general from the blood loss and just make you tired and week..even mildy anemic ...

Besides it doesnt matter what you would or wouldnt do she isnt YOU ..Obvioulsy she isnt as good a person as you and your just better..Keep on telling her that Im sure that will motivate her striving to be as great as you are..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I once asked my wife what her favorite position was. She said "receiver". So if I'm the quarterback I have to make sure the "pass" get's through. Also the "huddle" is a very important part of the game, it sets up the play. She just doesn't want to be the quarterback. However it still would be nice if she set up the "play" once and awhile.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You mentioned that your wife cheated on you. Was this fairly recent or is this years in the past? Is it possible that she is still thinking about the OM and is not quite over him yet? This would then dovetail with the question of did she used to initiate sex with you on occasion and then stopped after the infidelity?

I know some women just are too shy to initiate sex. I think I can count on one hand the number of times my wife has initiated sex during our 15 years of marriage. I used to be bothered by it too; however, I don't sweat it anymore. My wife is more on the conservative side overall (she can be a real tramp in the bedroom at times) and talking about sex can make her feel shy and embarrassed. If this second paragraph sounds similar to your situation, then this may be all there is to it. However, my suspicion is that your wife may still be thinking about her OM - especially if it was relatively recent.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

First off, thank you to the people not bashing me to pieces and judging me based on a couple of paragraphs. I do not think I am better than my wife, in fact she is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know, much more so than me. 

Why it is difficult for me in this situation is that we have worked very hard on communicating our thoughts and needs. We have gone to counseling in the past, years ago and then more recently. One of the items we have continued to work on is communication. So when something is making us unhappy, we approach the other, discuss our feelings and needs, an agreement or understanding is reached, and then nothing changes, obviously there is going to be increased tension and unhappiness. I would fully expect the same if it was me that wasn't following through on an agreement and it was her that wasn't getting what she wanted or needed.

If she had approached me and said she didn't like it when I teased her in front of my friends, even though I was joking, and I continued to do it, she'd have a right to be upset. She had something in regard to our relationship that bothered her, she approached me in an effort to share her feelings, asked me to change my actions, and I completely disregarded her feelings. That's a hypothetical situation, but obviously coming to an agreement and then not sticking to the agreement at all, is cause of problems. Whether the behavior is sexual, social or whatever.

Her infidelity was many years ago, so I don't think that is related to her lack of initiating. It came to light (the truth) in the last year and a half, so it has affected me and my insecurity.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SadLovingHusband said:


> First off, thank you to the people not bashing me to pieces and judging me based on a couple of paragraphs. I do not think I am better than my wife, in fact she is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know, much more so than me.
> 
> Why it is difficult for me in this situation is that we have worked very hard on communicating our thoughts and needs. We have gone to counseling in the past, years ago and then more recently. One of the items we have continued to work on is communication. So when something is making us unhappy, we approach the other, discuss our feelings and needs, an agreement or understanding is reached, and then nothing changes, obviously there is going to be increased tension and unhappiness. I would fully expect the same if it was me that wasn't following through on an agreement and it was her that wasn't getting what she wanted or needed.
> 
> ...


I disagree. I think it is a huge factor now. It may have happened years ago, but in your mind it was no different than if she actually cheated on you 18 months ago. Now that you know and I'm sure have talked to her about it, now the both of you have (or should be) processing all of this information and working on this right now. I have no experience personally with infidelity in my marriage; however, I know it can take a few years to get over it. IMO, you are definitely not over it and I think she never dealt with it, so now she's in it too. Do you know who her OM was? Does she still interact with him today? If so, then she may have never completely lost her feelings for the OM even if the affair went dormant. Food for thought.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> you are still doing well... once every 3 weeks here on average, with no in interim relief...  In over 25 years together, I remember my wife initiating twice...


I've gone through much drier spells than this, so I'm actually feeling ok about my current situation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> I've gone through much drier spells than this, so I'm actually feeling ok about my current situation.


I'm glad to hear that!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

What i wouldn't give to have sex 2-3 times a week!!! 

The thing is is that you have talked to her many time about the sexual issues and nothing has changed. The more you push her to do things, the less likely she is going to want to do them. Trust me I know.

Does it really matter who inniates sex? Your wife probably doesn't think about sex like you do or would like her to as often. 

My husband doesn't think about sex much at all, it is on the bottom of his to do list, sex is on the top #1 of my to do list for me. 

I want sex all the time generally EXCEPT that time of the month. Sometime i will have sex with hubby (i have a dont say no policy) If he wants to have sex at that point in time. I don't really enjoy it and I love sex (i am more worried about the mess). 

Anyways- I don't really understand your complaint. You have sex 2-3 times a week???? Most people on this board would kill for 2-3 times a week, Shoot once a week. Maybe you should really realize how lucky you really are and stop complaining about your wife not inniating more!! Try 6 times a year, then you can start complaining.

I am not bashing you OP. I am just saying that things could me much much worse! =)


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I know that 2-3 times a week is good. It's just frustrating as I said, that I am nearly always the one to initiate. It's nice to feel desired, to be seduced, for her to wear something sexy and tease me or be overly sexual toward me. It helps stroke the ego, which I don't need, but it's nice to have it happen once in a blue moon (maybe tonight, ironically?). 

I don't mean to complain, as per many of the posters on this board, it could be much much worse. I guess the underlying issue for me isn't so much about the sex, but that when approached with something that bothered me enough to bring it up and talk about it with her, that she made no effort whatsoever to make a change. It's not just during her period, we have talked numerous times before about how I feel unattractive and that she is just having sex for me. She has admitted in the past when I have asked for sex that she doesn't want to have it, that she is only doing it because I want to. That doesn't work for me. I won't do it then if I know she feels that way. So when I am always the initiator, it makes me wonder inside if she is in fact just going through the motions this time. A little effort and initiative on her part would go huge distances toward making me feel adequate and attractive. This has been a topic in our talks in the last few months and has been a topic dating back to when we were first married. When we dated in college, she was not like this. She was very sexual and initiated all the time. She admits to not knowing what has changed.


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