# cheating or not, it's still sketchy



## miltomil (Sep 19, 2011)

So My wife and I just moved and I started work yesterday, I work long hours at night, so I'm not home to see what goes on. My wife sent me a text saying hey I'm going to the store with a friend. It's a guy that she barely knows. When I got home there was a parking tab for 2 hr parking in her window at 515-717. I told her I would rather me be there when she hangs out with the guy and she proceeds to tell me I'm crazy and he's just a friend. But every time it's brought up she defends his side and tells me that she's very interested by him and wants to hang out with him. Am I wrong for thinking that something is going on, or that it's not right for her to be hanging out with him. The arguments are getting worse and the scare of a divorce are getting higher. What should I do? Is it possible to fix or should I throw in my cards.

Also I am military so I will constantly be working longs hours at night and I will be deployed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Something is going on.


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## miltomil (Sep 19, 2011)

What do I do though, every time I bring it up she throws it in my face and tells me I'm crazy. I'm not going to lay down and be beat like a dead dog. I love her a lot, but she is not the same woman I married.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Face the fact that you can not control her so don't try, BUT you can control what you tolorate, by moving on.

She has a choice so give it to her. She can have her "friend" and do what ever she wants but you will have nothing to do with it.

I get you love your wife and will do anything for her, but are you willing to take this kind of risk or are you willing to move on? I'm afraid sooner or later you will be moving on. Sorry.

She has no boundries in the marriage, or respect the marriage enough to see that this friend ship is a slippery slope. You on the other had have a choice move on or wait for the inevitable.

Most likely when you make your stand you will get "I can hang out with who ever I want" or "we are just friends" my favorite is " your being controling and I can do what I want".

All of this is fine, it is her choice, but its your choice to tolorate it or move on with out her. 

have you asked her if she wants to be married to you? If the answer is yes then she will need to stop with the risky behavior....the risk of this "friendship" ruining the marriage.

You on the other hand, do not want to take the risk and should be willing to move on before you hear her telling you " I didn't mean it to happen" or "it just happened" soon you may even hear the "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Its way to risking for her to continue with this friendship, be prepared to let go of your marriage now so your wife can see how serious you really are.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Of course she will tell you that you are crazy for even suggesting something is going on. You aren't crazy. The fact that she gets angry about you even trying to interfere with her time with the other guy also says a lot. If it's not an affair now, it could easily end up being one.

You'll have to be the one to establish a boundary. Once you tell her seeing the other man is not acceptable, she will have to choose. Either she stops all contact with him or she will lose you. It may be helpful to see a marriage counselor over this issue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, bug the house and car, if there is nothing going on and if you think you are just being crazy then prove it to your self by putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and other spy gear in the home. 

This should clear up alot of suspicion and doubt.


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## miltomil (Sep 19, 2011)

So I just consulted my wife and she says she will not talk to the other guy anymore, but she continues to tell me I'm wrong in my beliefs on loyalty and honesty in a marriage. Because she can do whatever she wants and I'm not her owner. So reverting back to what guy said I told her, that if it does not change then I will leave because I can not sit here while this is going on. And she brought up that my ex fiance would never be like this and that I should have stayed with her.(at this point she's scared I'm going to leave and turning to worry and anger and saying things she doesn't mean) I am standing my ground on this and I think she knows it. She has talked to her ex before she was in the military and told me she had past feelings rise before we moved, but she said that they were gone. I'm just worried that this is a pattern and inevitably I will end up more hurt and in a rut. So next is, if she does stop talking to this guy. Do I let my guard down or should I be on watch like an infantry man on the frontlines?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes, there is something going on. She is for sure being disrespectful. She should not be all about hanging out with another man period.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

miltomil said:


> So I just consulted my wife and she says she will not talk to the other guy anymore, but she continues to tell me I'm wrong in my beliefs on loyalty and honesty in a marriage. *Because she can do whatever she wants and I'm not her owner.* So reverting back to what guy said I told her, that if it does not change then I will leave because I can not sit here while this is going on. And she brought up that my ex fiance would never be like this and that I should have stayed with her.(at this point she's scared I'm going to leave and turning to worry and anger and saying things she doesn't mean) I am standing my ground on this and I think she knows it. She has talked to her ex before she was in the military and told me she had past feelings rise before we moved, but she said that they were gone. I'm just worried that this is a pattern and inevitably I will end up more hurt and in a rut. So next is, if she does stop talking to this guy. Do I let my guard down or should I be on watch like an infantry man on the frontlines?


If you don't have kids ... move on. Any wife who says she can do what she wants and starts throwing out the "you don't own me", is not a wife you leave behind and go on deployment.
She is already hooking up with a guy she barely knows. You just moved!? She wastes no time.


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## miltomil (Sep 19, 2011)

I hear what you're saying. It just sucks, I made a commitment a year ago that I would love this woman no matter what and never leave. But I don't know if I can take this. Especially if I'm deployed. The only thing I know to compare this to is a teenager, that when the parent is watching acts like an angel but when they are not they are a hellion. If I'm deployed I think she will just do whatever she sees fit, regardless of where I am at.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

miltomil said:


> If I'm deployed I think she will just do whatever she sees fit, regardless of where I am at.


There's been I think three threads from deployed guys with wives getting pregnant on this forum in the last few months.

I seriously hate reading those. Please don't be #4.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

miltomil said:


> Because she can do whatever she wants and I'm not her owner.



well she's correct on this, but I would let her know that she also can't control you and if she continues to disrespect the marriage like that you would leave


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, it's "interesting" how defensive she immediately was.

It's not about control. It's about courtesy and respect and communication and knowing what boundaries there are in your marriage.

I get so sick of this "controlling" business.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

miltomil said:


> I hear what you're saying. It just sucks, I made a commitment a year ago that I would love this woman no matter what and never leave. But I don't know if I can take this. Especially if I'm deployed. The only thing I know to compare this to is a teenager, that when the parent is watching acts like an angel but when they are not they are a hellion. If I'm deployed I think she will just do whatever she sees fit, regardless of where I am at.


MiltoMil: I salute you for your service to our country.

On the other hand, what you are saying here is that you married to be a doormat.

How's that working for you? Remember the vows you took to be married are a covenant between two people. When one of them breaks the covenant, all bets are off in having to honor your part of it.

You can elect to honor it and be a door mat, you can honor it and put boundaries down on what you will and will not tolerate (that will be enough of an issue for you to break your part of the covenant that is already broken), or you can count your blessings that she revealed her true character before kids were involved.

That being said, there are so many other women out there who would love a man in a uniform, even willing to be loyal and faithful to you for the rest of your lives.

Dating sucks for sure, but at this point, you have nothing to lose.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Umm, yeah. Ive heard that story before. The guys shes talking to, is he in the military? How does she know him..where did they meet. Those are all things you HAVE to consider. When you get married to someone, yes, you should trust them...but that dosent mean even when they feed you b/s. As her husband you have every right to know what she's doing and why. And if she feels like your opinion or feelings in a situation dosent matter..well then why did she get marry and vow to be connected to you? You should never feel guilty for asking a question..she should feel guilty that you have to even ask it in the first place. Beating a dead horse is aggravating..but trust me, when you pry enough, you find more things out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A woman surely knows that hanging out with a guy friend she has only just become acquainted with is going to be disturbing to her husband. Bringing up how other people would act, trying to minimize the friendship, trying to say you are insecure, and telling you what is going to happen before it happens to someone make it okay for her to hang out with him is all silly stuff that little kids do when they want to get away with something and need some wiggle room to quibble and so forth. I'd just leave and find a real women if she cannot get it through her head that being alone with a guy socially who is not her brother or father or whatever is just plain wrong. I have guy friends. My husband knows I have guy friends. I do not 'hang' with my guy friends. I see them in class or when I am with my husband. They get introduced. They talk. I get it that my guy friends like me a lot. Duh, otherwise they wouldn't be friends! But do I spend time with them alone, no. Being my friend and knowing I am married and would like to have a terrific married relationship with my husband, would they even want to spend time with me alone? No! And even if they wanted to, they wouldn't ask. Geez. This guy is no friend. He is just trying to see how far he can go and your wife is too. Getting you angry and upset is going to give them another so-called justification for being friends. Well, he can say, I was just helping her out because her husband was such a control freak and always angry at her when she 'wasn't doing anything'. Your W sounds like a woman my H was 'friends' with. Ugh. Goading her H on like that and then turning to my H for support because her H was such an 'angry' guy. My H did the same thing to me. Don't fall for that. Just keep your cool and move out or ask her to move out and refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is going to jerk you around and mess with your emotions in a way you would never intentionally inflict on yourself. A partnership is a partnership. You have to be treated by your spouse the same way you treat yourself. If what she is doing feels wrong and you have communicated that to her and she still does it because of her LOGIC, it's still wrong. Her having a reason doesn't make it right.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

miltomil said:


> So next is, if she does stop talking to this guy. Do I let my guard down or should I be on watch like an infantry man on the frontlines?


Yes, most definately.

I`ve been married for 12 years and to my knowledge my wife has never cheated.

I am always on the lookout for signs ..always.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In my experience, people can tell when their spouses are cheating on them or lying to them without proof. When you feel it, you will know. Wasting your time on hypervigilance is silly. Trust yourself to know if you are being cheated on or lied to. Then deal with it if and when it becomes an issue. Give yourself some credit for having a sixth sense about the person you are intimate with. If something feels wrong, then something is wrong. So long as things feel right, proceed as though they are. Being hypervigilant will only lead to problems. It is your relational style with your wife that will want her to be with you and to be in a marriage with you. If you treat her like someone who needs to be watched and corralled, she will of course feel as though she wants to jump the fence and use it as justification for doing so. Being hypervigilant seems counterproductive, and also it sends a message of insecurity. Women do not want to be with insecure men, they want to be with someone who makes them feel safe and good about their relationship, and desired, not trapped. Being with a man should feel like a consistent good choice, and a bit of a chase, but not too much. Probably this friend of hers has learned how to be chased...getting her interest, and keeping her occupied in man-catching mode. If you are hypervigilant she will feel as though you are something that she can just take off the shelf and dust off when she pleases. That is not good. By the way, I am a woman. I know 100% if my H were hypervigilant about me #1 I would wonder what he is up to himself, and #2 I would think, does he not have anything better to do? and #3 I would think, hmmm well, he is already paying attention to me so why should I do anything other than what I am already doing to get that attention (and in your wife's case, what she did to get your attention was to be with another guy!). So play it cool and go about your business. You don't have to justify or reinforce something that is expected standard of behavior in a marriage. You know how to express yourself if she behaves in a way that is known to be detrimental to her marriage, and that is to remove yourself from that kind of relationship/marriage. Some people thrive on drama. Hopefully your W is not one of them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just like Nikki said you have every right as her husband to know what she is doing.
So please set up the safe guards like GPS, VAR, keylogger and cams. to insure that you use this right as a husband and protect your self from futher pain. 
Trust but confirm and validate. Many are here b/c of the blind trust we *had* for our spouse , only to be used and betrayed.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

she is stepping out on you. If she's doing it now its really on when you deploy.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Ha! Welcome to MY world! Dump her. NOT because of the issue...but of her DEFENCE of the issue...

My wife needed to go to the library to study. She showered and dressed up pretty attractively...came back and went straight back into the shower again and avoided me the rest of the day. Must have worked up a sweat, I guess, from her "research".


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Oh yeah..also..I dont know how long youve been in or how long youve been married..but Ive been married in for 5 years..and let me tell you, being married in the military is drastically different then being married in the civilian world. 

Soo..even though yes, you did take the vow to promise to love her for all eternity..just remember, our infidelity rates are a hell of a lot higher. And lets face the facts, its not that hard to bump into someone you may be sexually attracted to, and situations to be unfaithful are CONSTANTLY around.

When I went to the Marine Corps Ball with my husband one year, he walked away to grab a beer..and TWO guys came up to me while he was gone flirting, and asking me why I was alone. AND mind you, I was 20 weeks pregnant. 

Sooo yeah. Watch your self.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Cheaters never prosper...


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