# I'm so hurt... and so Lost...I don't know what to do



## ImHisBella (May 28, 2009)

I was never the type to write short stories... but I will try my hardest to explain my situation and spare the non important details...but it will be long.

My husband and I met online 2004, I moved out to where he lived after 4 mths of dating, then after 6mths of me being there I got pregnant. I moved back home to live with my parents because they wanted to help us out and living out there we where struggling really bad and had no support system. His family was never keen on me, for what reasons, honestly I have no idea? They never gave me the chance for them to get to know me. To me I felt it was because he was white, and I was mixed - so I think it was hard for them to deal with at first.

So I had to wait an entire year for him to move out here. Why you ask? Well... when I met him he was on parole for something he did as a teenager and I DO believe that people can change. I looked past his mistakes and flaws when no one else would and I cared and loved him for who he was on the inside. So we had to wait for his parole transfer, I had our son, and raised him for 6 mths by myself, and that was the hardest thing I thought I ever had to deal with in my life.

During the 'time apart' he wanted to focus on his music career. He has always wanted to be a hip hop artist. So right before moving out here when he finally got his parole transfer his mom called the board and ruined the entire thing and they where about to not let him move here - because she told them some lie. He had entered a hip hop competition, and if he was to move here, he was in the finals - he wouldn't of been able to go with it being out of state and him trying to visit out of state so soon they wouldn't have approved it. So he was willing to sacrifice this 'one chance' to not be with his family, to possibly make it in the music biz. But obviously - he came here... but he came here with a chip on his shoulder. He faught to get a job, and it stressed him out, my parents constantly nagging him about getting a job, he did try, but because of his record no one wanted to hire him. He started getting distant, still the chip on his shoulder, and not showing me any affection. I stumbled upon starting to talk to another guy, and of course he said all the right things. I didn't want to cheat in a sexual manner, I just wanted the attention, and I was loving it. Secretly I met the guy. We went to a movie, and then he was suppose to take me home. Instead he drove off into some dark park, and wanted to... 'talk.' So not knowing him and at this point sorta scared, I just listened to what he had to say. Next thing I knew, he was trying to make a move on me and forcing himself on me, and he was much bigger then I was and I was telling him no, this isn't what I wanted, and at that point I felt so stupid for falling into his trap. He kicked me out of his car and left me in the middle of no where. I walked around for probley an hour until I finally got somewhere I noticed. I called my best friend, and I asked her to come and get me, because my car was a good 30 mins away (driving wise). I was so ashamed of what I did, and I hid it from my husband for awhile. One day he confessed that he already knew. He had a key logger on the computer, and he had been seeing what I was writting to this other guy. So I confessed what had happened, and he didn't understand why I didn't tell him. I was disgusted with myself and for what had happened, I didn't want to hurt him.

So fast forward a year later, he left his myspace signed on when I got on the computer and there behold are emails back and forth between him and this younger girl from NY. Signing it 'your secret boyfriend' and ' i wish it was you lying next to me, i miss you' things like that. Of course - I freaked, and I asked him what was going on. He explained to me he did it out of 'revenge' because of what I did to him - or whatever the word was he used at the time. Fast forward - maybe 8 mths later - he gets a phone call and I hear a women's voice, and he hangs up the phone. Ia sked him who it was? He said I don't know - they didn't answer. She called back and I grabbed the phone from him. She texted him - 'hey, why did u hang up on me? It's SarahBear'... at that moment I knew it was her... Again. According to him - he signed online a week before that and she wanted to talk to him and he was on his way out the door, and not thinking, he gave her his number wanting to find out what she wanted and then wanted to tell her to leave him alone he's working on his marriage he doesn't want anything to do with her - but she never called until that moment. After a bunch of fighting - I forgave him again - and moved on.

Fast forward another year I guess maybe 2, we where 'i thought' happy, working on our relationship, our son was 3 years old, and alive (we had some tramatic things happen with our son getting sick and I pray to god that i am happy he is alive today) and I thought we where moving forward. I come home back in Jan one night from the bar with my gf's and I see his yahoo signed in on a screen name I didn't even know he used anymore - with a conversation between this girl he used to work with in the other state he lived in. "hey sorry my phone died." him: "oh it's okay, so yeah anyway... I Miss Your Touch." Her: "aww soo why haven't you left her yet?" Him: "Cause I know I'd probley never see my son again." Then he said "BRB" to put our son to bed and he had fallen asleep... so that's why it was left up. I woke him up out of his sleep, and when he came downstairs I just... let him have it. After me letting out what I needed to and calming down - he then began to talk to me, and started telling me how he loves me, he needs me in his life, without me he has nothing, I mean everything to him, please don't leave him, he's stupid, he doesn't know why he did what he did, he promised me nothing REALLY happened with her, he was just seeing how far he could take the conversations, yadda yadda. Of course after a loooong winded conversation till about 6AM... I told him I would forgive him but things need to change.

Fast forward to now. Last week we broke out into a huge blown out fight and he told me to get out. I was angry with him because I had just sold our kitchen table to get money for us - and he wanted to run off to NY to visit a friend of his, and I was furious. I thought it was disrepectful. Of course I started slamming doors, putting dishes away harder then need be, and he sat his ass on the couch playing his 360. I turned the TV off and I said to him 'are you going to get off your lazy ass and help me do something around here?' Of course that was just the anger talking - and he said 'u know what, i've had it - pack your **** and get out.' I started sobbing, crying, all the things that happens when someone tells you to leave. I begged him to let me stay, all of that. (oh and my son was sleep this whole time please don't think I do this in front of him)

So after 2 days of talking back and forth and trying to get to resolve things he went to NY - came back, and on Monday he told me he needed to take a break. Not a long break, but just a break to reevaluate our relationship. He 'doesnt want a divorce and his heart couldnt handle that because he cares about me and loves me.' I have no where to go but to my mothers and she is so nagging and the type to get inside my head and put thoughts there that doesn't need to be and I didn't want to go there. Not only was he kicking me out he was kicking his son out... knowing damn well, his son has severe asthma - my mom has 3 cats and smokes heavenly in her house. I started packing my things, while all along shaking, and weeping because I didn't understand why we couldn't work on reevaluating our relationship together. I guess he felt bad, and he told me to forget it. I told him I was willing to give him his space, if this was what was going to make him happy, and if it will save our relationship, I will do it. He said no he didn't want me to go through that.

So early this morning I was abruptly awakened by this nagging pain and just... something was telling me to go check his phone. So I did. And there..... lied my proof. I saw a conversation between him and another girl from VA - saying 'i love you xoxoxo' - I woke him up and I tried reasonably and calmly talk to him to figure out why? He said he loves me, but he isn't sure if he's still 'IN LOVE' with me and that was the point of the break he wanted to see if he still is in love with me and wants to figure this out to make our relationship work. He said that I control the relationship and I have been for the past 5 years and he started talking to her because he liked the fact that I couldn't control the situation. He said he cared about her but 'not in the way I'm thinking.' He said he has been thinking about leaving me for a few months now, because he was just sick of not doing anything, sick of our money situations, etc. I said to him 'after you sat there and told me YOU NEED TO TRUST ME,' but I KNEW in my gut there was a reason why I shouldn't - and I just proved my point. He said that for years after what I did with the guy and meeting him it just went down hill from there. Me always being paranoid (which I had reason), him not ever going out to do anything. Which I didn't know I had to hold his hand and tell him 'hey hunnie why don't you go out tonight,' he never asked to go anywhere and when he would I never cared, I simply would say as long as we have the money for it. We live paycheck to paycheck and at one point was stealing food to feed our son. He doesn't realize how much I have sacrificed for this relationship - and I'm the only one giving -but yet it's all about him. How he doesn't do anything. He doesn't have his space. He's tired of me controlling things. He doesn't know if he still is in love with me... ETC.

After all of this, I talked to my one friend who's been married for 20 yrs, he said that I need to save my marriage and not give up. He said I'm not done fighting, and I'm not out of options. I want to do marriage counceling but I can't afford that if I tried... and we have no medical insurance for it to be paid for through it.

After everything... I Still Love Him... deeply. He is my life, the father of my child and it's heart breaking. I'm so torn - I don't know if I should stay or go. If I do stay, I don't know if he will 'move on' from wanting a break to think about our relationship and just start working on it and get rid of his lil fling. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this on my own, and if it is over, my son and I will have nothing but the clothes we pack. The house is his, the car, everything. There is no room for things at my parents like my bed, couch things like that. So it would all be his. I'm not a complete and total ***** I wouldn't take him for all his worth, but realisticly - we can't even barely survive now, how do I expect him to give me money to live with my mom. I would never get out of there. She can't stand to watch my son (don't ask another long story) so I could never get a job. PLus I have no way of getting to the job - I'd be stuck.

Am I stupid for even wanting to stay with him and work it out? I feel stupid. When we said 'for better and for worse,' I am here to fight it out. I can't fix our relationship if he doesn't tell me what bothers him. But of course... Now I feel that it is all my fault.... and I'm at a loss. I don't want to be without him.... but I don't know if I can be with him. Do I give him his 'break' say for a week or so, make him miss our son and I - make him realize how good we are in his life, and how he needs us, or do I force the issue of me staying and us working on it together? Of course - I'm worried that if I give him this break that 'devil girl' will be whispering in his ear how he needs to leave me, and him not be able to think for himself.


I'm sorry this was so long I just don't know what to do - and no where to turn...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't think you're stupid for wanting to work it out. It does sound as though you might be settling for the lessor of 2 evils...stay or go to mom's, though. I don't know that a week away will have any major impact. I would think you need to understand more how he has been feeling since he said things went 'downhill'. There may be things he can begin doing to feel less 'trapped' but he also needs to understand from your standpoint that he has broken the trust several times...he needs to do some work too in order to make you feel loved and secure.

If you do stay, don't compromise your beliefs and allow him to do as he pleases where other women are concerned just to keep a roof over your head. But also think deeply about whether you can make changes that would make him feel that he has it made, right where he is.


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## ImHisBella (May 28, 2009)

I don't want to take my son away from his father, but I know it would hurt me so much to see him often... but I would do it because that is his son. I have realized the mistakes I have made, and I know the things I need to fix to better our relationship, and I want to work it out, at this point, not that he is right for what he did w/ the women - I'm over it because I feel he's confused and not sure what to do. I want us to try to work it out but I feel I am the only one fighting anymore because he wants to be selfish, single, independant, do what he wants -etc. I'm not in his mind - I don't know - that's just how I feel about the situation because he said 'my heart cant stand to be without you' but yet... he's still debating on rather or not he wants the marriage to be over.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I guess you need to determine whether he wants to be single or whether he just wants the marriage to take a new turn where he can feel more of a sense of freedom (not with other women, but not feeling controlled.) I'm not sure why, specifically, he feels you are controlling.


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## ImHisBella (May 28, 2009)

I don't know either and he didn't really explain to me why he feels this way. Besides that he says I don't allow him to do anything which isn't true, and he doesn't like that I was always paranoid on who he was talking to. I had obvious reasons on why, but I even told him I was willing to work on that and overcome it bu the needed to understand he broke my trust. Maybe I am smothering him too much and I told him BEING TOGETHER I'd still give him more space to do what he wants. He joined a bowling league so that at least is the first step into him doing something on his own.

Pretty much it won't get fixed unless I either A) leave him for good or B) give him his space to think about if he really wants to be in this anymore. I think if I give him his space, it will give me time to think as well.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Bowling league sounds good. That is a way for him to have his alone time in a positive way.



ImHisBella said:


> Pretty much it won't get fixed unless I either A) leave him for good or B) give him his space to think about if he really wants to be in this anymore. I think if I give him his space, it will give me time to think as well.


This actually does sound like a good plan (B), because rather than just giving him space to make all the decisions you should both be making together, you are also talking about taking time to think...whatever you end up deciding, make sure if you stay together, your needs are being met as well. You deserve to feel safe and happy in your marriage...not constantly worried about what he might be up to.


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