# Need some unbaised advice



## tryingtofigureitout413 (May 21, 2012)

Last night my BF and I got into an argument. It's the same argument we have anytime we've spent more than a night apart. He accuses me of being up to no good, and I respond in kind. It goes down hill fast and then a day later, if that, it's usually over and everything is back to wonderful. But while it's going on we both say things that outside of the heat of the moment don't mean. 

Our situation is complicated(for me) by the fact that he is legally married (completely separated and no children). I have no concerns about him being in contact with the ex, and he's started divorce proceedings(in our state it takes 6 months plus a day to be final). We've been together close to 2 years, I spend holidays and go on vacation with his family. But still...I don't care that it wasn't done by a priest or in a church or that his(or her) family wasn't present, or that the longest they stayed together was 6 months(twice over 5 years) as long as the paperwork isn't done, he's still married. And it bothers me. 

Add the fact that he thinks that I have cheated on him in the past, based upon FB messages he found on my account last year in communication with an ex. Which no amount of me defending myself has helped with. No I didn't cheat. What didn't help were messages I saw in his account to random girls. 

Trust is a major issue for both of us based upon or respective histories, both had GF/BF cheat with a best friend. 

I love him, I know he loves me, but our communication is rough and I don't know how to fix it. In all fairness he tries to draw me out to get me to talk to him but it gets hard and I shut down or end up crying and feeling like I'm holding him emotionally hostage.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Just curious.How long have he and his soon to be ex been separated?

The messages he found in your facebook?? you did not physically cheat but were the messages flirty in nature? how about the ones you found?


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## tryingtofigureitout413 (May 21, 2012)

2 1/2 years. They'd broken up before we got involved and I was very VERY sure she was long gone before we got serious.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Trust is a major issue for both of us based upon or respective histories, both had GF/BF cheat with a best friend.


What would it take for each of you to feel more comfortable with each other, to trust each other? Does he want you to do something that you aren't doing? What can he do that would reassure you?

For example, would transparency help in this case? Give each other access to your passwords and emails and cell phones? I generally don't recommend this because so many things can be taken the wrong way and it is such a privacy issue, but if you two are as open as possible with each other, you might start to believe that you are committed to your relationship and not up to no-good.


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## tryingtofigureitout413 (May 21, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> Just curious.How long have he and his soon to be ex been separated?
> 
> The messages he found in your facebook?? you did not physically cheat but were the messages flirty in nature? how about the ones you found?


The messages he found in my FB were to an ex about our time together and our breakup. They weren't about getting back together but did contain more information than I had shared or that he wanted to know. There were some additional messages from guys hitting on me that I'd never responded to but hadn't deleted. 

The messages I found in his FB were flirty, but to random models...porn stars, etc. And one to his STBX, that made me feel like he was still in love with her. He said he wasn't, nothing else I saw made me feel like that, and we moved on(but still hasn't helped, only in that last 6 months that I've been sure he isn't in love with her and suspect that what he has told me about never actually being in love is true). Plus I was around his family and family home a great deal by then and there weren't any photos of the two of them, or her anywhere. 

In both cases boundaries were crossed, but nothing that was a physical or emotional affair, at this point it's more than a year ago.


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## tryingtofigureitout413 (May 21, 2012)

norajane said:


> What would it take for each of you to feel more comfortable with each other, to trust each other? Does he want you to do something that you aren't doing? What can he do that would reassure you?
> 
> For example, would transparency help in this case? Give each other access to your passwords and emails and cell phones? I generally don't recommend this because so many things can be taken the wrong way and it is such a privacy issue, but if you two are as open as possible with each other, you might start to believe that you are committed to your relationship and not up to no-good.



Wow. I've been so focused on the problem I haven't thought about a solution in a long time. We leave our phones out around each other and he doesn't have a password on his, but knows the password on mine. I know that he checks my phone from time to time(he's always happier, reassured). I've told him that he can check it if he feels the need, but his response is always that I'm trying to deflect, and when I try to show him he acts like he wasn't questioning me in the first place.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why be with someone who you aren't married to when it IS NOT WORKING? 

Dating is meant to see how you click, how you communicate, if you share the same values, how the other responds to drama, trauma, etc...

Y'all don't seem to like each other very much, or trust each other. So why hang in there and try to force something to work when it isn't working from the start? Chalk it up to experience and cut the ties.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, not saying this is the case, but when my ex-H would accuse me of cheating, it was always to put me on the defensive because it turned out that he was. :-o

I wouldn't mention it but seeing as you have concerns already, it might be something to consider. One way people get away with cheating is to accuse their partner of cheating. If their partner is the type that gets all defensive and upset about being thought that they are a cheater, they could well forget about valid concerns that they have about their partner, and that exact same issue.

I know I fell for it (for a while, longer than I should have.)


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