# The separation journey … what to expect?



## saphire (Mar 14, 2015)

I would love feedback on how you experienced a trial separation - the ups and downs, range of emotions, how did your feeling about M change during the period? 

I'm only on day 6 of a 3 month trial separation and I'm surprised at how well it is going, but my emotions are all over the place these first few days. Also, I can tell he is doing the 180 and this is honestly a relief after the anger/passive aggressive behavior/ guilt he put me through before agreeing to separate. But it is surreal to see him behave so "professionally" and maturely with me. It confuses me.

(Background: I asked for the separation and initially my H refused but after a big blow up argument he agreed to move out. I'm at our home with our 10 year old daughter).

Curious - what were the cycles of ups and downs like for you? How did your child/children respond? Were there big weeks in terms of turning points of how you felt and how you felt about the M? Did you feel tired/drained then optimistic/energetic? Did you retreat socially or want to be with friends and family (if so when?).

And for those that separated and reconciled, how is that going? Do the same arguments happen or did something change fundamentally for the better?

I just want to know more of a chronology or high level time line of your stories, whether you initiated the separation or your S did.

I can give more details about why we are separating if that helps.

Thanks!


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## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

saphire said:


> I would love feedback on how you experienced a trial separation - the ups and downs, range of emotions, how did your feeling about M change during the period?
> 
> I'm only on day 6 of a 3 month trial separation and I'm surprised at how well it is going, but my emotions are all over the place these first few days. Also, I can tell he is doing the 180 and this is honestly a relief after the anger/passive aggressive behavior/ guilt he put me through before agreeing to separate. But it is surreal to see him behave so "professionally" and maturely with me. It confuses me.
> 
> ...


HI there. It is good that you are finding some peace with the separation so early. That will help you especially with your daughter home with you. 

I can only give you some of my ups and downs for a short period of time. I have been dealing with a disaster of a relationship for a year, sleeping in separate rooms in the same house since January, and moving out about a month and a half ago.

I did not know of the 180 early on. I do think it would have helped me before actually moving out and saved me many emotional rollercoasters. Don't let him fool you into thinking that he is dealing as well as it looks (he may be, but doubt it), the 180 is supposed to look that way. He may be suffering inside and putting on a good show. That is what I am trying to do...I am not as good at it. 

Beginning - cried a ton, lost weight, become depressed and unstable. Went back to work, moved out, started the 180.
Now - feeling better even just over the past few days. still question many things, but with help from others here, learning that this was not all about me and whether or not I am the problem. 
Learning to find ways to find "joy" within my own world. Very hard.

Kids are 21 and 24, both girls, living and go to college in another state. Different for you with that one, but once I told them we were separated without all of the ugly details, felt a huge relief. I felt like I was deceiving them. Not sure what your husband's relationship is like with your daughter, but honestly think my husband's is better now that he is having to communicate with them on his own, without my help.

Social settings are very hard still here. We have been married 26 yrs, our circles are totally mingled. Enjoy my time in my new townhome, but force myself to go out and see others. Please do that, as it will help you...I promise. You will be surprised that most want you to just be happy. 

Again, sorry I don't have a lot of timelines or thoughts on what you can expect. I would definitely say to take care of you and work on the things that really make you happy (and your daughter). Without knowing your situation, I do hope that both of you can find a place that works in your relationship.


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## saphire (Mar 14, 2015)

Thanks for your response, breezycello,

Glad to hear your story and these details of the crying, depression, trying to find joy, your relief, and connecting to your social life. I appreciate it!

In my case, we had been stable but unhappy "roommates" for some time, but then the arguing and hostility took off and was too much to bear (in truth I had developed some sort of short-lived EA, I see now in hind sight, but it alerted me to how dead I felt in my M). H knows about EA but isn't upset by it - don't know if he is just numb from his depression, but more than that, he has been resentful of my professional success for years, especially as his career fell apart. 

We're doing MC, I'm doing IC, and my H will start IC - he has been depressed and cranky for years and seems to lack an inner happiness or sense of optimism and it poisons the household, though I feel for him.

I lived a separate life in terms of doing things with our daughter as he didn't want to do anything social for years. So now there is a weight lifted in the home and she and I both feel happier and more free. But now I feel kind of pathetic doing things with her alone ... a shift in my own mindset that makes me feel lonely and self-conscious. I'll have to deal with that.

I'm wondering at what point I may feel "done" with the M, or if the counseling will keep me hooked in. It is amazing how much the physical separation makes me feel detached from H, and for now this is a good thing. I can see for people who do want to reconcile separation will make it harder. You get used to your own life and your own space.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Usually people with issues will create a toxic environment wherever they are. For example his jealousy, he punishes you for his lack of success and it does not really have to do with you but his own view of himself. So it is easier to blame you for his own emotions. He fails, does not feel like a success, sees you doing well, and resents you for it because in his own view, it makes him less. If you had the same issues as he does, it would be less of an issue. Instead of feeling gratitude or proud, he has the reverse feelings.

Love is a drive that needs constant reinforcement to keep the bond strong. A marriage is just a legal status and does nothing for the relationship as you well are figuring out. A great relationship between the two of you is what matters.

As his issues fester, he distance himself to punish you, and neglect a lot of his other relations. He chose the action of to stop loving you, thus destroying the relationship long ago. Sometimes we have so much intertwine, and we think that the marriage itself is the bond, but it is just a title like husband or wife.

So as the separation is ongoing, the relationship or attachment is being destroyed due to the lack of reinforcement. Thoughts of him trigger less and less of an emotional or hormonal response when you think of him.

Start creating your own positive life and work on your own issues, there is no guarantee that he will work on himself or get better.

Neurologically, the more positive things you do like exercise, have fun, strengthen bonds and build bonds with others, the more your brain operates on a positive circuit. If you feed your life with negativity, your thoughts and emotions will spiral downwards, so you need to create a positive life.

Also, there are things you can do to increase those feel good hormones like working out, smiling, getting some sunlight daily, creating goals and accomplishing them, and do not worry to much about the future. The investments you make in you will increase the chance of a better future.

Think about it this way, you invest in an education and it increases the chance of a better job. You simply create a lifestyle where you are constantly working on you, and it will benefit you and your daughter. She can learn to adopt the same lifestyle.


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## saphire (Mar 14, 2015)

"So as the separation is ongoing, the relationship or attachment is being destroyed due to the lack of reinforcement. Thoughts of him trigger less and less of an emotional or hormonal response when you think of him."

__________

Yes! This feels true already. Your insights to his personality-type are spot on! This is truly what has happened in our relationship - him punishing me through distancing himself. He had withdrawn from intimacy long ago too.

Great tips for staying positive through lifestyle choices ... I especially like the one about smiling!

Thank you.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I have been living on my own for six months now, separating from husband of twenty years late last year. I left at his request but was aching to be gone...just did not feel right to suggest leaving as he was going through a major depression, issues that been on-going for a couple of years with little/no progress. He couldn't or wouldn't ever take meds suggested lomg enough for them to have a chance to work, was very depresed about his job, which he hates, basically a mid-life crisis. We did not fight but the atmosphere in the house was toxic with passive/agressive feelings. I am disabled, so was home most of the time and he worked graveyard, so we barely interacted, other than sighs and eyerolls from him if I made a noise that woke him. (He insisted on sleeping in the main den, which is attached to kitchen.) so I really could barely stir. I had come to hate the house with a passion, perhaps in lieu of hating him. 

Anyway...I am so much happier (and feel better) being on my own in a small apartment. I took very little and want very little, just half of whatever is left when he sells the house. I adopted a little dog to go along with my older cat and they keep me busy. No kids. So...just saying I have not gone through much in the way of "mourning" the relationship. We email cordially as needed, but have spoken to him or seen him I left in December. I plan to file for divorce by the end of the year, hoping he will get moving on getting the house on market before then, but not pushing him yet. He had said he would do this.

Being alone can be so much better than being unhappy and together. I do not hate my husband at all...I feel bad for him and wish he had been able to communicate his issues better, or shared more. But I feel such a great relief not to be an intruder in my own home.


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