# Help: my husband won’t initiate and does not seem to want sex



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

My husband and I have been married a little over 6 years, and we dated for two years before we got married. For the past year we have been in marriage counseling because well, …we basically stopped having sex. I tried to talk to him about it and the more I tried to talk to him the more closed up be seemed to become. He would get so upset that we decided that we needed someone to help us talk about what was going on between us. I tried to be the initiator because I understand that my husband is the shy reserved type. I think the turning point for me was during one incident in which I initiated, we were right in the middle of sex, he stopped, just stopped and said he was not feeling anything. That was not the case for me, my body was excited and on the verge…..and my husband just stopped. 
He say s he is finding it harder and harder to keep an erection, and when I and the therapist suggested medication, he said he had been taking it. (I thought to myself….when? Because we hadn’t had sex) As I said we went to counseling and she assigned us different exercises to try. She tried to address the fact that he does not seem to initiate sex with me. We did all of the exercises, sensate focus techniques, and even brought some porn videos, in addition to meeting with her faithfully every week. We had our last counseling session in June we had sex two times before that between January and May 2013. We have not had sex since then. 
I have asked my husband does he love me, and he says yes. I have asked him does he want to be married, or maybe he just does not care for me in that way even though he says he loves me. I have even asked him if he wants to leave, he say no, and starts crying. 
I am at a loss because I love my husband, but I want my husband to want me and to initiate having sex with me. Yes I can do the initiating, but I am a little gun shy now because he has stopped while we were being intimate more than once, and I don’t know if any of you have every experienced that but it is like having a bucket of ice water thrown on you after you come out of a sauna. It is traumatizing, and I feel my self-esteem has taken a severe hit because of it. 
I am hoping by writing this out that I can get some feedback on how to work through this with my husband. I am not interested in leaving him; I am not interested in cheating on him. I am interested in working on this and having the wonderful marriage I know we can have. I am 51 and he is 63, and it is the third marriage for both of us. Our children are grown, and we have a wonderful home, two car garages and a dog. I like my life, but I just want to feel the loved by my husband. Please feel free to ask me questions the more I talk about this the better, and I know I have left a lot out. I found this site a few days ago, and the brief things I read about others going through similar problems has helped me feel a little less alone in all of this.
This is not something I want to share with family members because I don’t want them treating him or me like we have some terminal illness. I am looking forward to hearing from all of you.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have known a few women with a similar story to yours...and the "answer" ended up being simply, that the husband couldn't psychologically handle the loss of erection. He didn't want to be intimate because it felt horrible to him that he couldn't use his body the way he used to.

Have you talked at all about his feelings about the ED? Because the women I have known didn't fully understand their H's feelings...he didn't talk about them. She eventually drags it out of him and the answer is: I don't want to have sex when I know I might not stay hard...I feel too horrible about it to even go there.

Does that sound like it could be the case here?


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

My husband and I have been struggling with this for about a year now. It is a form of ED...we have found a couple of things that have really helped. It can be very frustrating....but one thing I have come to understand is it is a physical issue and I can't take it personally when he has problems staying errect. If his body isn't cooperating it doesn't mean he doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Has he been to the doctor to talk to them about problems keeping an errection? Does he still get early morning errections? Is he on high blood pressure meds, anti depressants, or any meds for circulation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have known a few women with a similar story to yours...and the "answer" ended up being simply, that the husband couldn't psychologically handle the loss of erection. He didn't want to be intimate because it felt horrible to him that he couldn't use his body the way he used to.
> 
> Have you talked at all about his feelings about the ED? Because the women I have known didn't fully understand their H's feelings...he didn't talk about them. She eventually drags it out of him and the answer is: I don't want to have sex when I know I might not stay hard...I feel too horrible about it to even go there.
> 
> Does that sound like it could be the case here?


Yes we have talked about it, and he says that he does get an erection but it is not what he would like it to be. Okay, but what I don’t understand is, before we went into this no sex at all level. He was having sex with me when I would be asleep, when I would wake up he would be on the verge of completion, but I was willing to go with it. He would be finished, and I would be left wanting. I started telling him that I thought it was selfish to have sex with me when I was asleep, because I wanted to enjoy it too. Yes sometimes I was tired, but very rarely have I denied him, even though I was half asleep. This thing has made me feel that because I spoke up about what he was doing now we have no sex. I am not down playing that he is suffering from ED, but what would you think? A part of me feels that it’s not that he cannot perform, but under what conditions can he perform. His behavior is very convoluted to my way of thinking. This is why I wanted to start talking about it, because it makes me feel crazy. I have been wondering if he was withholding sex on purpose, like in the passive aggressive sense.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

mineforever said:


> My husband and I have been struggling with this for about a year now. It is a form of ED...we have found a couple of things that have really helped. It can be very frustrating....but one thing I have come to understand is it is a physical issue and I can't take it personally when he has problems staying errect. If his body isn't cooperating it doesn't mean he doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Has he been to the doctor to talk to them about problems keeping an errection? Does he still get early morning errections? Is he on high blood pressure meds, anti depressants, or any meds for circulation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he is not on anti-depressants or pressure medications; he does however take medication for lupus.
His condition is stable, and the doctor says that he should be able to perform, he has even gone through testing and they said his levels are normal for his age. We talked about medication for ED and he said it gives him a headache the next day. We did try that but then I felt like a jerk for the next week because he walked or lay around the house for the next day or two complaining that his head hurt. See why I said I feel crazy. The thing is my husband is a very quiet man, and it is really hard getting him to talk which is why we started going to therapy; I’m the talker of the pair. The other part of this is that I have been the one to initiate sex, since we have stopped having it in my sleep. He has shut down on me a couple of times after we got started. I guess what I am trying to understand is what is going on in that head of his. Yes, I ask him and he gives me a blank look, or sometimes shrugs and says he doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to be a nag, but you have to talk and ask questions right?


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

At his age you are asking too much. That he prefers to do it when youre asleep can only mean that otherwise he finds it difficult because of you. You really have to give him free 'rein' to do what he likes to you and not complain afterwards.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

accept1 said:


> At his age you are asking too much. That he prefers to do it when youre asleep can only mean that otherwise he finds it difficult because of you. You really have to give him free 'rein' to do what he likes to you and not complain afterwards.


Wow. Thanks, but I don't think I am going to go with that. It is a point of view, but If I am open to change, and want to do whatever he needs me to do, then should he not tell me what it is that makes it difficult to be with me when I am awake. 
I mean this is about his happiness too, but not at the expense of my self-esteem or sanity. It is not easy trying to be calm and sensitive when your married to someone who appears to be very sensitive to criticism. I monitor how I speak to him, I monitor how I ask him for things, I monitor how I tell him something is bothering me. Things take time, and I get that but at what point does the individual make the same effort to meet you halfway at least. 
I am hoping to get to the point where we can compromise on this, where we both feel good. Not only him because we either don't have sex or he enjoys himself sneaking me in my sleep.
This cannot be all there is.


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You are right that its no life to monitor every word and action. But when it comes to sex which you desperately want you will have to give in. In time and I know its late it may improve when he gets more 'forceful'.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Leelan said:


> My husband and I have been married a little over 6 years, and we dated for two years before we got married. For the past year we have been in marriage counseling because well, …we basically stopped having sex. I tried to talk to him about it and the more I tried to talk to him the more closed up be seemed to become. He would get so upset that we decided that we needed someone to help us talk about what was going on between us. I tried to be the initiator because I understand that my husband is the shy reserved type. I think the turning point for me was during one incident in which I initiated, we were right in the middle of sex, he stopped, just stopped and said he was not feeling anything. That was not the case for me, my body was excited and on the verge…..and my husband just stopped.
> He say s he is finding it harder and harder to keep an erection, and when I and the therapist suggested medication, he said he had been taking it. (I thought to myself….when? Because we hadn’t had sex) As I said we went to counseling and she assigned us different exercises to try. She tried to address the fact that he does not seem to initiate sex with me. We did all of the exercises, sensate focus techniques, and even brought some porn videos, in addition to meeting with her faithfully every week. We had our last counseling session in June we had sex two times before that between January and May 2013. We have not had sex since then.
> I have asked my husband does he love me, and he says yes. I have asked him does he want to be married, or maybe he just does not care for me in that way even though he says he loves me. I have even asked him if he wants to leave, he say no, and starts crying.
> I am at a loss because I love my husband, but I want my husband to want me and to initiate having sex with me. Yes I can do the initiating, but I am a little gun shy now because he has stopped while we were being intimate more than once, and I don’t know if any of you have every experienced that but it is like having a bucket of ice water thrown on you after you come out of a sauna. It is traumatizing, and I feel my self-esteem has taken a severe hit because of it.
> ...



This is a suggestion, but have him go to the Dr. for testosterone shots. This will raise his testosterone levels a lot, thus getting in the mood often, erections, more energy and feeling much better. But getting him to go and do this, is the challenge.

A co - worker, early 40's, married, 2 kids, mortgage, etc. was always becoming tired, low sex drive with issues. He went to the Dr and now is given regular testosterone injections and he is a different man.

As a man and your loving hubby, he should be taking care of business regardless of his age. If he's having issues, he should of taken care of this already for you and your marriage.

But there is also the porn argument. If he's regularly viewing and reliving himself to porn, he will be desensitized and have issues getting it up, if that's the case.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

accept1 said:


> At his age you are asking too much. That he prefers to do it when youre asleep can only mean that otherwise he finds it difficult because of you. You really have to give him free 'rein' to do what he likes to you and not complain afterwards.


To her? 

Maybe the guy just whacks off too much and would rather have sex with dead people. 

Do people really think like this poster?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Age 63? sounds medical. How long were you both married previously.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> This is a suggestion, but have him go to the Dr. for testosterone shots. This will raise his testosterone levels a lot, thus getting in the mood often, erections, more energy and feeling much better. But getting him to go and do this, is the challenge.
> 
> A co - worker, early 40's, married, 2 kids, mortgage, etc. was always becoming tired, low sex drive with issues. He went to the Dr and now is given regular testosterone injections and he is a different man.
> 
> ...


Thank you, that is some good advice and I will research this option. I never thought about that, and I have pretty much trusted him to see the doctor and address his ED/LD. Your right I can anticipate some resistance, because I got some when I was talking to him about taking the various pills they have out for men. I stopped, because he said the V gave him headaches. I have asked him about porn only because I was trying to use it to approach us spicing up our sex life. He got very defensive and said he does not watch porn or anything like that online. I told him is was alright if he did, because to me that would show interest right? Wrong he was truly offended until the therapist brought it up buying some porn videos. 

Anyway thank you I will look into it.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> To her?
> 
> Maybe the guy just whacks off too much and would rather have sex with dead people.
> 
> ...


Okay, that's scary and creepy, but thanks, I am always in the market for a good laugh.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Age 63? sounds medical. How long were you both married previously.


My first husband lasted 5 years, he was killed
My second husband lasted 13 years, he died of stomach cancer
My present husband I dated for almost 3 years (with sex) until we got married 6 years ago. 

My husband first marriage lasted about 5 years
His second marriage lasted about 5 years


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Leelan said:


> Thank you, that is some good advice and I will research this option. I never thought about that, and I have pretty much trusted him to see the doctor and address his ED/LD. Your right I can anticipate some resistance, because I got some when I was talking to him about taking the various pills they have out for men. I stopped, because he said the V gave him headaches. I have asked him about porn only because I was trying to use it to approach us spicing up our sex life. He got very defensive and said he does not watch porn or anything like that online. I told him is was alright if he did, because to me that would show interest right? Wrong he was truly offended until the therapist brought it up buying some porn videos.
> 
> Anyway thank you I will look into it.



I take natural test boosters and around half way through my cycle, I notice my sex drive is going way up, when I orgasm, this sounds crude, but my loads are at least 2x as much and I just keep on going and I feel great. Testosterone makes a big difference for us men. 

Wish you all the best. :smthumbup:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How was the sex before marriage?


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> How was the sex before marriage?


Sometimes it was exciting, and it seemed we could not wait to be together. We would have sex on top of the sink, in the hallway. Truthfully, he always seemed to ejaculate early, but we both explained it away by excitement. No, I did not point out that I wasn't finished yet, because I felt like it might embarrass him, and I didn't want to do that. I just thought that we would get better as time went on.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I just thought that we would get better as time went on."


I know it seems like a logical assumption, but this assumption is actually deadly in situations like yours. I have been there, too.


----------



## Leelan (Oct 10, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I just thought that we would get better as time went on."
> 
> 
> I know it seems like a logical assumption, but this assumption is actually deadly in situations like yours. I have been there, too.


You know what I also realized after finding this website. The woman in my family, my girlfriends don't talk about sex like, and intimacy like this. I have tried to bring up the subject for the past couple of months, because even though we were going to a therapist, it's a different kind of relief when you can talk about this stuff with family or friends. I am 51 and my mother is in her 70's I brought up the lack of sex topic with my mother, and after she stopped looking around the room for something she never found, she said " that is how it is, you just have to deal with it". Your father was the same way.. I stopped, pressuring her, because to my mom, it is over for her and men. 
I looked at her and thought to myself ..." you mean I am going to my grave with this lack of feeling loved, .....you got to be kidding right what the hell did I do wrong ? Oh and of course my mother just loves my husband, she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to me. 
Some of my girlfriends say " Pray on it.....take it to the Lord" Others have said " That is how it is sometimes, you can't have everything,....at least you have a good husband "
With all of this support to maintain status quo, I am not sure how I even ended up at this website.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I take natural test boosters and around half way through my cycle, I notice my sex drive is going way up, when I orgasm, this sounds crude, but my loads are at least 2x as much and I just keep on going and I feel great. Testosterone makes a big difference for us men.
> 
> Wish you all the best. :smthumbup:


What are these natural test boosters that you take?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Leelan said:


> You know what I also realized after finding this website. The woman in my family, my girlfriends don't talk about sex like, and intimacy like this. I have tried to bring up the subject for the past couple of months, because even though we were going to a therapist, it's a different kind of relief when you can talk about this stuff with family or friends. I am 51 and my mother is in her 70's I brought up the lack of sex topic with my mother, and after she stopped looking around the room for something she never found, she said " that is how it is, you just have to deal with it". Your father was the same way.. I stopped, pressuring her, because to my mom, it is over for her and men.
> I looked at her and thought to myself ..." you mean I am going to my grave with this lack of feeling loved, .....you got to be kidding right what the hell did I do wrong ? Oh and of course my mother just loves my husband, she thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
> Some of my girlfriends say " Pray on it.....take it to the Lord" Others have said " That is how it is sometimes, you can't have everything,....at least you have a good husband "
> With all of this support to maintain status quo, I am not sure how I even ended up at this website.


Has he had his testosterone levels checked? 
Were your previous husbands closer in age to you? 
I find it odd that someone would prefer to have sex with you while you are asleep! That is just strange. Personally I don't know how you sleep through sex but we are all different.


----------

