# Husband with ED masturbates to have sex with me



## Lia_lb2017 (Oct 6, 2017)

I'm 32 and my husband is 51. We've been married 4 years but have been together 7 years total. When we first began dating I was unaware that he was on Cialis for ED. As we became closer, there were times when he would forget to bring it on weekend getaways and would have trouble performing. Me the eager beaver, would perform oral sex until he would get hard enough to penetrate. I casually asked him about it one day and he broke down and confessed that without Cialis he could not perform due to anxiety. Because he was the kindest and most amazing man, I told him that it did not matter and that we could find other ways to satisfy each other. Cut to today, a marriage, and two toddlers later. Needless to say my husband's anxiety disappeared . Instead of Cialis he masturbates while closing his eyes and turning away. I'm assuming because he's fantasizing about other things. He does this until he's hard enough to penetrate me. For the last 3 years I have let him do this . As my body has changed and i have gotten older , i now begin finding this offensive. It triggers insecurities in me and disgusts me. During a heated argument a couple of days ago I told him this. I said that it makes me feel unattractive because he can't get turned on simply by looking at me and never has been able to. I said that maybe the reason he stayed with me was because I put up with his ED not because he was attracted to me.

More background: When we first met I was a broke skinny college student . Once on one of our first dates while drunkenly laying naked on the couch he confessed that he could not understand how he had fallen so hard for me because I was not his type -curvy and sexy. I was too skinny and plain. Although I was drunk I never forgot this. During the years I have matured and with my kids turned into the curvy sexy woman he desired. I know that I am not ugly. I understand that if my husband were to see me in the street there is no doubt that he would check me out and find me attractive. 

My dilemma now: I have forever been stunted to that skinny insecure college student . I hate my husband for not loving me when he first met me. i hate him for settling for me. i hate myself for desperately trying to please him. I hate him for fantasizing about other women just to have sex with me. I know that he loves me to death. I do too but I feel like this whole life is a lie. I don't want a divorce but this is where we are headed. I cannot have sex with him anymore because the thought of him disgusts me. i cannot bear the thought that he has been fantasizing all these years about other women .Please any thoughts if this marriage can be saved.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My thoughts:

Your husband is getting older and you're hitting your sexual peak and wanting something else. Plain and simple. 
What did you think was eventually going to happen when you married a man old enough to be your father?

Why do I say this? Because he's had ED your whole relationship, and you still married him.
He got BETTER with the ED, not worse.
He made one stupid comment and otherwise has shown you love and that he DOES find you attractive, and you've invented all these imaginary problems in your mind.

Why does your husband disgust you NOW? He hasn't changed from when you married him.

My suggestion: You say he disgusts you and you don't want sex with him. Let him go, in spite of the pain that he will inevitably go through. He had to have known as well what might happen with marrying a much younger woman. By letting him go, he can find a woman that doesn't get disgusted by him.

But I do think you're the problem, not him. He has a problem and just because he has to do xyz to satisfy you, doesn't mean he's a bad guy and doesn't find you attractive or wants other women.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> My thoughts:
> But I do think you're the problem, not him. He has a problem and just because he has to do xyz to satisfy you, doesn't mean he's a bad guy and doesn't find you attractive or wants other women.


I feel obligated to point out that the sex life she describes may be somewhat functional, but far from satisfying. Frankly, if a man has to turn his head, masturbate himself, and think of whatever he's got to think of to get hard enough to have sex, why bother? 

@Lia_lb2017 He concealed his ED from you in the beginning. He said he was surprised he fell for you when you weren't his preferred body type. You're about 20 years younger than him. Total speculation, but I'd bet he went for you because women closer to his own age group recognized his issues, had the life experience to know that his issues would be a problem, and the confidence to walk away. You, being young at the time, lacked that knowledge and experience and were an easy target.

Regardless of how you got here, you're married to him and have had children with him. If you don't want to divorce, you'll have to accept things the way they are. At his age, with his issues coupled with your acceptance of those issues for 7 years, lasting change is unlikely.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> My thoughts:
> 
> Your husband is getting older and you're hitting your sexual peak and wanting something else. Plain and simple.
> What did you think was eventually going to happen when you married a man old enough to be your father?
> ...


Notice why guys don't post on these threads E58?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Indeed....

OP, you married a man 19 years older that had ED, and 4 years later you're not happy with your sex life and "disgusted by him"......

Exactly what did you think was going to happen when you married an older gentleman with ED problems?

And you had 2 children with this guy. You've not mentioned any problems with him whatsoever other than he has trouble keeping an erection. I believe I read that "Because he was the kindest and most amazing man, I told him that it did not matter and that we could find other ways to satisfy each other." So I can only conclude from what I've read, that he is still kind and amazing to you. Apparently IT DOES MATTER and you are NO LONGER WILLING to find other ways to satisfy one another. 

I'm just an outsider looking in, but it appears that you have been the one to change (it's the job of each spouse to work out problems and prevent this from happening), you are the one that has grown unhappy, and HE CANNOT FIX THIS, because the problem lies with your state of mind in the marriage. He's already being kind and amazing. What else can he do? 

One question, do you think he turns his head because he is thinking of other women, or because he's embarrassed that he has to masturbate to get hard enough to satisfy his hot young wife? I think you should cut the guy some slack on this if he is otherwise a good husband. But you can't, can you? You've convinced yourself that he's a sexual deviant that doesn't deserve you, that he's thinking of other women based on one poorly stated, dumb comment that he probably really meant as a compliment in his goofy man brain. I assure you, men say stupid **** sometimes and I really don't believe he meant that the way you took it--- although I can clearly see why it hurt you so badly. My point: your guy has a wife 20 years younger--- he's probably really into YOU, and just has a problem with ED.

I'll stop posting on your thread, though. I'm sure that there are others just itching to tell you what you want to hear.
Truth is though, you made a bad move marrying a much older man with ED problems. That's on you. 

Just go ahead and divorce him before you look elsewhere.

Edit: I didn't see that you said he looks at porn. I would agree that therein lies the problem if he is. That's on HIM.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> I'm 32 and my husband is 51. We've been married 4 years but have been together 7 years total. When we first began dating I was unaware that he was on Cialis for ED. As we became closer, there were times when he would forget to bring it on weekend getaways and would have trouble performing. Me the eager beaver, would perform oral sex until he would get hard enough to penetrate. I casually asked him about it one day and he broke down and confessed that without Cialis he could not perform due to anxiety. Because he was the kindest and most amazing man, I told him that it did not matter and that we could find other ways to satisfy each other. Cut to today, a marriage, and two toddlers later. Needless to say my husband's anxiety disappeared . Instead of Cialis he masturbates while closing his eyes and turning away. I'm assuming because he's fantasizing about other things. He does this until he's hard enough to penetrate me. For the last 3 years I have let him do this . As my body has changed and i have gotten older , i now begin finding this offensive. It triggers insecurities in me and disgusts me. During a heated argument a couple of days ago I told him this. I said that it makes me feel unattractive because he can't get turned on simply by looking at me and never has been able to. I said that maybe the reason he stayed with me was because I put up with his ED not because he was attracted to me.
> 
> More background: When we first met I was a broke skinny college student . Once on one of our first dates while drunkenly laying naked on the couch he confessed that he could not understand how he had fallen so hard for me because I was not his type -curvy and sexy. I was too skinny and plain. Although I was drunk I never forgot this. During the years I have matured and with my kids turned into the curvy sexy woman he desired. I know that I am not ugly. I understand that if my husband were to see me in the street there is no doubt that he would check me out and find me attractive.
> 
> My dilemma now: I have forever been stunted to that skinny insecure college student . I hate my husband for not loving me when he first met me. i hate him for settling for me. i hate myself for desperately trying to please him. I hate him for fantasizing about other women just to have sex with me. I know that he loves me to death. I do too but I feel like this whole life is a lie. I don't want a divorce but this is where we are headed. I cannot have sex with him anymore because the thought of him disgusts me. i cannot bear the thought that he has been fantasizing all these years about other women .Please any thoughts if this marriage can be saved.


This is why the whole 45 dating a 25 year old is kind of a bad idea in general. However since you want to save it get some marriage counseling. You both are going to have to do some hard work to work through your problems. Have you said this stuff to him? 

In my mind this has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness it's all on him, he has trained his mind to be attracted to 2d images not real women. When he first was with you there was newness to get excited about but as your sex life has gotten routine (that doesn't necessarily mean boring, it could just mean it is not unusual to have sex with you) his natural attraction to 2d is stronger. I believe this can be fixed though, but he has to move away from the porn and he has to be willing to do so.

Besides that what is your communication about sex like. Do you talk about what you both like. Maybe he needs you to be more kinky? I am sure this will outrage some people that I bring that up but you know. I have read so many threads where people end up cheating and the spouse cheated on is like. I never knew they were into that why didn't they tell me? I would have liked that too. So my thinking on this is if you want a good sex life you should be really open and willing to try stuff. 

Sex should not be static, in my mind it's like working out. I have been intensely working out every week day for a year now, I have learned if you want gains you have to change it up sometimes. You have to be active and occasionally read stuff, watch tutorials, make sure your form is right. It takes work. Sex should be thought of exactly the same way. If you have a bad sex life, fix it. Work on it. But most of all TALK about it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> My thoughts:
> 
> Your husband is getting older and you're hitting your sexual peak and wanting something else. Plain and simple.
> What did you think was eventually going to happen when you married a man old enough to be your father?
> ...


God help women if I post MY OPINION.

I will give you one blast, one peek.....
Stupid women, get out some medical literature, put down the romance novels.

I have the solution....but I cannot share it with perfumed fools.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, do you know why he turns away? It may not be for the reasons you think. Have you offered to do things for him while he gets himself hard? Maybe he watch you masturbate. Or maybe you can straddle his face so he gives you oral at the same time. Its possible he is just embarassed about needing to get himself hard and making it part of mutual sexual interaction would fix that. 

You might be right, but its worth making sure that you aren't misunderstanding.


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## Lia_lb2017 (Oct 6, 2017)

Thank you for the replies. I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating. I always though that it was so that he could focus better on his "thoughts." He does not watch porn or at least that I'm not aware of. He once told me that it doesn't do it for him and he likes real life women better. One thing that I have noticed throughout the years is that he does check out other women and has become discrete about it ever since I brought it up. He tries not to consciously do it, which I respect, and even thought I may catch him I let it go because I too can appreciate a beautiful woman. We are very open about our sex life, that's how I think it got this far and he feels comfortable masturbating in front on me. I agree with a prior post in that it is me that has changed but only because I can't understand why he can't get turned on looking at my body unless it is unattractive to him. I've become obsessed with myself and trying to perfect it in hopes that it might entice him. He's admitted that he has failed me in letting me feel secure in telling me that he finds me attractive. I told him that it shatters me to know that i know that other men find me attractive but not the one I truly care about and the one that matters - HIM. I have come to the conclusion that if we were to stay together our marriage would become a sexless one unless he can get hard by looking at me. I am no longer willing to let him masturbate or fantasize about other things.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Hey @Evinrude58, do you think you could stop lambasting the OP for 2 seconds and address the actual problem she mentioned?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> Thank you for the replies. I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating. I always though that it was so that he could focus better on his "thoughts." He does not watch porn or at least that I'm not aware of. He once told me that it doesn't do it for him and he likes real life women better. One thing that I have noticed throughout the years is that he does check out other women and has become discrete about it ever since I brought it up. He tries not to consciously do it, which I respect, and even thought I may catch him I let it go because I too can appreciate a beautiful woman. We are very open about our sex life, that's how I think it got this far and he feels comfortable masturbating in front on me. I agree with a prior post in that it is me that has changed but only because I can't understand why he can't get turned on looking at my body unless it is unattractive to him. I've become obsessed with myself and trying to perfect it in hopes that it might entice him. He's admitted that he has failed me in letting me feel secure in telling me that he finds me attractive. I told him that it shatters me to know that i know that other men find me attractive but not the one I truly care about and the one that matters - HIM. I have come to the conclusion that if we were to stay together our marriage would become a sexless one unless he can get hard by looking at me. I am no longer willing to let him masturbate or fantasize about other things.


What man wants to have to masturbate to make love to his wife? He's ashamed...... 

No porn, otherwise good guy? Why have you taken this one tiny thing he has to do and decided to make it a platform for your last stand? I really think you should cut him some slack. You're being way to HARD on him. Sorry, couldn't resist.

If he's not getting hard looking at your body, just go a few days without sex and letting him see you naked, see what happens then? Totally shutting him out of sex? That's the craziest, cruelest thing I've ever heard of. Far FAR crueler than what he is doing IF he is thinking of "other women's bodies". I guess he probably is thinking of something else, and I don't have a clue what. I'm not saying you don't have a gripe with this, I'm just saying that if he can't help it, he can't help it.

I hope you figure this out. I think you need to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist about this before making such a drastic decision to cut him off. That's really a mean thing to do, and totally against what marriage is all about--- working TOGETHER.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You REALLY need to talk to him to understand what is going on. 

Does he have to masturbate to get hard, there is nothing you can do for him that works?

A big part of looking sexy is feeling sexy. Convincing yourself that you are sexy might go a LONG way to making you more attractive to him. Has he said you are unattractive (recently I mean). 

Have you learned about his fantasies - are they things that you can play to? 

The great majority of people masturbate and fantasize when they do so. 







Lia_lb2017 said:


> Thank you for the replies. I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating. I always though that it was so that he could focus better on his "thoughts." He does not watch porn or at least that I'm not aware of. He once told me that it doesn't do it for him and he likes real life women better. One thing that I have noticed throughout the years is that he does check out other women and has become discrete about it ever since I brought it up. He tries not to consciously do it, which I respect, and even thought I may catch him I let it go because I too can appreciate a beautiful woman. We are very open about our sex life, that's how I think it got this far and he feels comfortable masturbating in front on me. I agree with a prior post in that it is me that has changed but only because I can't understand why he can't get turned on looking at my body unless it is unattractive to him. I've become obsessed with myself and trying to perfect it in hopes that it might entice him. He's admitted that he has failed me in letting me feel secure in telling me that he finds me attractive. I told him that it shatters me to know that i know that other men find me attractive but not the one I truly care about and the one that matters - HIM. I have come to the conclusion that if we were to stay together our marriage would become a sexless one unless he can get hard by looking at me. I am no longer willing to let him masturbate or fantasize about other things.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> Hey @Evinrude58, do you think you could stop lambasting the OP for 2 seconds and address the actual problem she mentioned?


Sorry,
I was typing, er..lambasting while you posted.

Did I address the "problem" well enough that last post, or at least partially?

She's literally mad at the guy for not getting it up for HER. I understand it. Now to figure out how he can get it up by just looking at her. I agree this doesn't seem like a hard thing to do. 

And it does seem like if he can get it up thinking of something else, he should be able to fit his wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How do you know what he is thinking of when you don't even talk to him about it? Seriously it doesn't seem to me like you are working with your husband at all. You have all this stuff that you have literally made up. It may or may not be true, but you don't know because you are not in communication with your husband about it.

I agree that he probably turns away from you due to embarrassment. If that's not the case, then this is something to address with him in a loving, "I've got your back" sort of way. Working together rather than making this into an adversarial situation. He's not your enemy. He's your husband.

The thing he said to you when you were a self-described skinny girl wasn't kind, but you stayed with him despite that and married him. Now you are holding it against him.

I think a lot of what is going on here is something you can work through, but it requires that you stop seeing your husband as you adversary and think as a teammate. If the two of you cannot work together on this, you will not be able to resolve it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lots of "older" men need some help getting hard/ aroused and simply looking at their partner isn't sufficient. Heck, just looking at a male partner isn't going to get me all the way aroused. That's what FOREPLAY is for. Have you tried touching, kissing, oral to get him aroused? I think laying there and expecting instant hardness just from looking at you is kinda ick, no offense.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Why don't you both masturbate in front of each other, low lights or candles?


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## Lia_lb2017 (Oct 6, 2017)

I'm researching marriage counselors. Both our employers offer this service and we do need it. I was hesitant about this because we both attended a session before for another issue and I did not like it. I have read that if not guided properly marriage therapy can create resentment and make things worst. This was my experience but I'm willing to try again. Our sex life is not one where he lays there and masturbates to get hard and I climb on. It's more sensual. Usually we start off by kissing a lot and foreplay. In order to get hard I either have to perform oral or allow him to masturbate. If I do oral he'll usually just orgasm because if I quickly stop and climb on top it's a hit or miss of whether he'll stay hard. If he drops down, this is where I pretty much assume the face down position and moan and play with myself- the motions- while he turns away closing his eyes and masturbating while standing up. This is where I begin thinking -mind you with my ass up in the air " I wonder if he's thinking about someone else or is my body that repulsive that he can't get it up? " Hopefully talking MORE will help. Thank you


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> I hate him for fantasizing about other women just to have sex with me. I know that he loves me to death. I do too but I feel like this whole life is a lie. I don't want a divorce but this is where we are headed. I cannot have sex with him anymore because the thought of him disgusts me. i cannot bear the thought that he has been fantasizing all these years about *other women* .Please any thoughts if this marriage can be saved.


Probably a stupid question but how can you be sure it is *women* he fantasizes about?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> I have come to the conclusion that if we were to stay together our marriage would become a sexless one unless he can get hard by looking at me. I am no longer willing to let him masturbate or fantasize about other things.


I am not sure the degree of hardness should be a reliable barometer for how attractive or unattractive a husband may find his wife. It seems like a lot of pressure otherwise...
For example, right after sex, it's not easy for me to get hard again quickly but I still find my wife very attractive. 
Have you actually asked him why he is closing his eyes when trying to get hard? You assume he must be fantasizing about other women but how do you know he's even fantasizing about anything at all? 

It could be that he's trying to focus on getting an erection (and this might exacerbate the problem).

Try not to make his ED problem about you. I doubt it is.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

peacem said:


> Why don't you both masturbate in front of each other, low lights or candles?


Good idea. Both with eyes closed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why not just tell him how you feel, let him explain himself, and figure out a way that he can make you happy.
This seriously sounds like a problem that should be able for you to work on and work out.
You're 20 years younger than he. He should be drooling over you constantly.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> I'm researching marriage counselors. Both our employers offer this service and we do need it. I was hesitant about this because we both attended a session before for another issue and I did not like it. I have read that if not guided properly marriage therapy can create resentment and make things worst. This was my experience but I'm willing to try again. Our sex life is not one where he lays there and masturbates to get hard and I climb on. It's more sensual. Usually we start off by kissing a lot and foreplay. In order to get hard I either have to perform oral or allow him to masturbate. If I do oral he'll usually just orgasm because if I quickly stop and climb on top it's a hit or miss of whether he'll stay hard. If he drops down, this is where I pretty much assume the face down position and moan and play with myself- the motions- while he turns away closing his eyes and masturbating while standing up. This is where I begin thinking -mind you with my ass up in the air " I wonder if he's thinking about someone else or is my body that repulsive that he can't get it up? " Hopefully talking MORE will help. Thank you



Perhaps you need a good MC, but I think you should seriously consider seeing one who specializes in sex therapy. I'm honestly surprised you've lasted this long.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He should be drooling over you constantly.


Nothing a good dentist won't be able to fix. Even in his age.

But seriously, he could be drooling and still not be able to get hard. I don't see why there is an assumed connection between the two?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> Thank you for the replies. I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating. I always though that it was so that he could focus better on his "thoughts." He does not watch porn or at least that I'm not aware of. He once told me that it doesn't do it for him and he likes real life women better. One thing that I have noticed throughout the years is that he does check out other women and has become discrete about it ever since I brought it up. He tries not to consciously do it, which I respect, and even thought I may catch him I let it go because I too can appreciate a beautiful woman. We are very open about our sex life, that's how I think it got this far and he feels comfortable masturbating in front on me. I agree with a prior post in that it is me that has changed but only because I can't understand *why he can't get turned on looking at my body unless it is unattractive to him.*


He never could get turned on by looking at your body...he used Cialis when you were dating. You married him anyway. You have changed the rules, and you are trying to change the story to fit your new rules.



Lia_lb2017 said:


> I've become obsessed with myself and trying to perfect it in hopes that it might entice him.


I'm not trying to be mean here, but to get you to think. Do you think that you are projecting your obsession with yourself onto him? He has ED, and always has had it for as long as you have known him. He is willing to let you in, and accomodate you. But now you have change the rules because of your obsession and insecurity about your body. He loves you and wants to make love with you even though he has ED.



Lia_lb2017 said:


> He's admitted that he has failed me in letting me feel secure in telling me that he finds me attractive. I told him that it shatters me to know that i know that other men find me attractive but not the one I truly care about and the one that matters - HIM.


Again, he finds you attractive. He just has a medical condition: ED. It is not about you, it is about him. He is doing what he can to please you.



Lia_lb2017 said:


> I have come to the conclusion that if we were to stay together our marriage would become a sexless one *unless he can get hard by looking at me*. I am no longer willing to let him masturbate or fantasize about other things.


Again, you have changed the rules. He can't do what you are asking. You can ask him to try to train himself to not fantasize about other things, but to look at you while he masturbates. Can you help him out, by caressing him, looking at him with love while he takes care of himself so he can please you?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

My first thought is who knows best what feels best but that person. Stroking oneself to get hard may be his way of keeping it up.

Even with viagra, if my wife stops touching me., and just lays there naked, things wilt. I've found things need to keep moving along.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

The thought of him disgusts you and yet you really love him? Something does not add up here. I cannot imagine loving anything that disgusts me. I have ED and have had it since my 50's. We still have a great sex life in our mid sixties. Probably because we do not disgust each other. Plus my wife is bi and prefers women but we still have great sex. Love conquers all, except disgust. I could not love her if she disgusts me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Speaking as a 55yo lady, my Dear Hubby was 59yo and beginning about in his 50's he began to have trouble "getting and staying hard" and was really freaking out about it. As near as I can tell, when he was young, he'd look at something, get turned on, and BAM salute the flagpole. However, as he got older, he look at something, get turned on, and maybe the flagpole took a moment. 

Shoot from my side I couldn't tell the difference because we'd do some foreplay that involved kissing and touching, and as a result of various kissing and touch, he did eventually get hard. So to me, it was the same--but TO HIM it was different and scary because it didn't "just happen" even though he wanted it to! Then the older he got, the more the stimulation had to be...and it was touchier, like if he got going and then lost steam for a moment, sometimes he'd lose all of his steam! So we'd just adapt to that and learned ways to keep the ball rolling once it was rolling. We had FUN with it!

But I think the main thing I'm noticing here, @Lia_lb2017, is that I never, ever assumed it was because of me or some flaw or failure in me. He was not having less of a hard on because he didn't like the way I looked or wasn't turned on by me--it was because he was almost 60 years old (and had some other health problems). The fact that you assume he masturbates so he can fantasize about other things or other women is 100% YOU making that **** up! The fact that you assume that he doesn't find you attractive is 100% YOU making that **** up! He may find you the hottest thing on God's green earth and want with all his heart to be hard as a two-edged sword for you...just by looking at you...but medical facts are just what they are: he's in his 50's, hard-ons aren't automatic and don't just stay for hours, circulation is worse, some health things may be disruptive (like diabetes), and that's it. 

Think about it this way: if you had a yeast infection and your hubby said "hey no worries we can do titty sex or blowjobs until it's cleared up" and then after 5 days said "If you can not have vaginal intercourse with me, it's because you think I'm ugly" you might try to have PIV and then get another yeast infection! How would you feel if he got even more bent out shape, telling you that you only got a yeast infection because you don't find him attractive and you never have and the marriage is going to become sexless unless you can have PIV right now--he's no longer willing to do blowjobs and handjobs while you recover from your yeast infection. Shoot--every part of your being may WANT to recover from that darn yeast infection but you just can't "make it happen." You may even take medications to make the yeast infection go away, but meds have side effects and they aren't perfect. So how would you feel? You have to make that yeast infection disappear (you can't do that) or your husband is threatening you. 

That's how he feels. It's just his body getting older. He virtually can not make the soldier stand and salute "at will" and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Even if he's in good health, gradually some veins and arteries get harder and less flexible...some circulation diminishes...some hormones get lower. It's just natural. But rather than being a supportive, encouraging, safe place for him to worry about getting older, you are threatening him and making it worse! 

Seriously--a normal doctor, explaining sexuality as a man grows older would probably do you a WORLD of good. And I'm sorry but this just is not "all about you." I'm stunned you'd think that's the only reason.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You two are not talking. And he should go ahead and take ED pills. BTW: masterbation is good for preventing ED.

As we guys get OLDER - our manhoods take longer to work. It sucks. I'm almost 50. A fart can make a 20yr old hard. 30+ year old , we have good control. 40, things start to change. 50+ yep, obvious changes.


When we had communication issues a few years ago and had ED (nothing worked) - my wife thought I was not intrested in her. That creates anxiety to us guys - when we SO LOVE our wives, and cannot perform like we USED TO. It bothers us. And when it bothers you - it bounces back and makes it trickey.

Being mad at your husbabnd is not helping. Oh, my wife wasn't my type either. Big deal... we feel in love our first night.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

OP, I can truly understand how frustrated you are — my H also has ED and I have a high sex drive. I am 38 and he is 43, together for 6 1/2 years and married for 3. I understand the insecurity and self doubt you’re describing and I want to ask you to consider something. When my H was 20 or 21, he was crossing a street in LA to get to a job site and was hit by a semi. Crushed the right side of his body, shredded portions of intestine, shattered the bones in his pelvis and right leg. He spent 4 months in UCLA and then had to learn to walk again, intensive physical rehabilitation for almost a year. The surgeon was unwilling to attempt to repair his pelvis because it could have potentially damaged his spine and he wouldn’t walk again. 

My H is an electrician and works full time (solar fields, oil fields, construction both commercial and residential — physically demanding). When he and started dating he was very up front about the nerve damage the accident caused to the right lower abdomen, groin (shaft and scrotum) and leg. He took Levitra frequently but was able to occasionally achieve and sustain an erection without it but was not always able to achieve an orgasm. 

He has always been self-conscious about this and although he has no issues with feeling horny or aroused, there are many times when he will not initiate due to a fear of failure of being able to perform PIV. He has not used Levitra in 4 years now so there are frequently times when he is hard during foreplay but must stroke himself in order to get hard enough for penetration prior to PIV. He doesn’t do this as a result of no longer finding me attractive — it is because of a medical issue. Now if this was the situation with your H, would you honestly hold that against him?! Just because you can’t see any physical indicators DOES NOT mean that they aren’t there. This is not something he wants or likes or feels good about, I guarantee it. Take a step back and stop making this about you — have some compassion and consideration for the man you loved enough to marry and have a family with. You are his wife — he needs support, understanding and love in all areas of his life, put particularly in this one. The fact that he is willing to masturbate prior to PIV regardless of his feelings of shame, guilt and/or inadequacy tells you just how much he loves you and wants to please you — or at least it should.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> Thank you for the replies. I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating. I always though that it was so that he could focus better on his "thoughts." He does not watch porn or at least that I'm not aware of. He once told me that it doesn't do it for him and he likes real life women better.


This is similar to an exchange I was in right as my wife and I were about to have sex.

Wife: I realize I've had 3 kids and I'm not as tight as I used to be. Is that why you always squeeze my butt when we have sex.........to make it feel tighter?

Me: No. I touch your ass during sex because I like the way your ass feels in my hand during sex. 

Me: Glad we cleared up that misunderstanding. WTF



Our communication is pretty bad but in this case, at least she asked the question.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lia_lb2017 said:


> .....Me the eager beaver, would perform oral sex until he would get hard enough to penetrate. I casually asked him about it one day and he broke down and confessed that without Cialis he could not perform due to anxiety. Because he was the kindest and most amazing man, *I told him that it did not matter and that we could find other ways to satisfy each other.*
> 
> .....As my body has changed and i have gotten older , i now begin finding this offensive. I*t triggers insecurities in me and disgusts me.* *During a heated argument* a couple of days ago I told him this. I said that *it makes me feel unattractive because he can't get turned on simply by looking at me and never has been able to*. I said that maybe the reason he stayed with me was because *I put up with his ED not because he was attracted to me.*
> 
> ...





Lia_lb2017 said:


> ....I honestly have no idea why he turns away when masturbating.
> 
> ...We are very open about our sex life, that's how I think it got this far and he feels comfortable masturbating in front on me.
> 
> ...





Lia_lb2017 said:


> I'm researching marriage counselors.
> 
> .....Our sex life is not one where he lays there and masturbates to get hard and I climb on. It's more sensual. Usually we start off by kissing a lot and foreplay. *In order to get hard I either have to perform oral or allow him to masturbate. If I do oral he'll usually just orgasm because if I quickly stop and climb on top it's a hit or miss of whether he'll stay hard.* If he drops down, this is where I pretty much assume the face down position and moan and play with myself- the motions- while he turns away closing his eyes and masturbating while standing up. This is where I begin thinking -mind you with my ass up in the air " I wonder if he's thinking about someone else or is my body that repulsive that he can't get it up? " Hopefully talking MORE will help. Thank you



Where to start...... Get him a high quality silicon c#ck-ring. They are great at trapping blood in the penis to keep an erection going much longer.

Next, I agree with a previous poster, go with your H to a board certified sex therapist, they are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems. 

You use the work "hate" a lot in your posts. You might want to think about that and figure out how to forgive your husband and how to drop your anger/hatred.

It is clear that you have some body image insecurities, you even talk about it. That is something you need to work on. May I suggest either individual counseling or perhaps self hypnosis or affirmations to change your body self image issues. Or spend a little more time with the Sex therapist on your issues.

My next and final suggestion is to understand that you can't change your husband and you especially can't change a medical condition in your husband. You can positively reinforce changes that he makes, but you can't change him. You can change yourself and you can show him that personal change is possible. 

What do I mean by that? I mean you can't threaten him or nag him into changing. You also can't create covert contracts with him. "If he can't get hard looking at your body you will have a sexless marriage" You can't threaten him or bargain with him that he needs to magically cure his ED by looking at your body otherwise...........no sex.

Again, get some professional help. It sounds like he loves you and you recognize it, but that his ED is triggering fears within you.

Good luck.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

There's some anger and contempt here that doesn't really add up. You talk a lot about hating yourself, and I think this has a lot to do with your own self-esteem, rather than him.

In my opinion, as a male, he obviously doesn't want you to watch him masturbate himself to erection. Not many men would feel great about that. I think you're unfairly linking this to your own feelings about age and your body - which are not really warranted, either - and have to be mindful about taking this out on him, especially with remarks about ED which could be taken in a very cruel way. You knew he had ED and that was part of the deal, perhaps he should resume Cialis with your support? 

Needing Cialis isn't a reflection on you at all.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is a really common thing for older women to have serious body image issues. these issues often seriously screw up their sex lives.

first, i want to assure you that most older men indeed LOVE to see a mature woman naked, still get very horny from seeing and playing with them, and that you do NOT need to hold yourself to some sort of youthful sexual standard.

Your guy has ED. He has some weird ritual he goes thru to get hard enough for sex. that 
is in no way saying it is your body's fault! It is his plumbing!

Obviously, he needs some cialis to get things going that is simple chemistry....his nerve can no longer fire enough to generate the nitric oxide needed to get his penis hard. Not your fault in any way!

Have you tried using a penis pump? It is a big plastic cylinder that you slide over his penis, and then you pump up a vacuum until his penis is erect. When it is erect, slide on a rubber penis ring to the base of his penis. THAT wil keep it hard long enough to have some good sex. You can have fun pumping it up, letting in the air and seeing it go down, then pumping it up again....kind of like a fun game.

You can try other things too. Like if he has such trouble getting hard on his own....tie him up and do all sorts of BDSM things to him....edge him mercilessly....then when YOU are ready, mount and ride him.

Take control here....make him perform to YOUR needs.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

My husband has ED too, and usually I masturbate him until he gets hard. Or oral. Or something. 

Why wait until he's hard to get involved? 

FWIW, I too find it hard not to take it personally, as a sign that I'm somehow less than. But the reality is that he probably would also have the same issue with any other woman.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wild jade said:


> FWIW, I too find it hard not to take it personally, as a sign that I'm somehow less than. But the reality is that he probably would also have the same issue with any other woman.


yeah i get that. what you used to do made him horny for you. Now with extra effort, he can barely get hard. It would be easy to think somehow YOU are the cause...not pretty enough anymore, him not in love with you anymore.

But seriously...it is a simple biological fact that as men get older, most have a difficult time getting hard. I do not care if it is five 20 year old beauties stroking him....he is going to have trouble doing it! 

ONE good solution is to not rely on Penis-in-Vagina PIV sex so much. try OTHER THINGS. let him bring you to orgasm using his fingers and tongue, show him how you like that just as much (even if you need to tell a little fib) and he will get more confident about him being able to please you. Less performance anxiety for him, means he will want more sex, and probably do better at it too.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> it is a really common thing for older women to have serious body image issues. these issues often seriously screw up their sex lives.
> 
> first, i want to assure you that most older men indeed LOVE to see a mature woman naked, still get very horny from seeing and playing with them, and that you do NOT need to hold yourself to some sort of youthful sexual standard.


The OP is 32 years old.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Honestly I think that's also a contributing factor to this issue. Dear Hubby and I were only five years apart, but I remember the year I was 45yo and he was 50yo, and (how do I word this?)... his fire was mellowing out a bit at the same time that my fire was BLAZING. Now as I mentioned we talked about it and worked it all out, but one thing he said really stuck with me: "Well, just wait until you're 50yo!" 

Well...I did! At 45yo the kids were old enough to be not utterly out of the house but they weren't going to walk in on us and often weren't home. I was young enough to be at my sexual peak physically, AND since I had always liked sex, I knew what really turned me on and how to do it and I could do it and RAWR!!! 

At 50yo it wasn't like I was done with sex, but it went from this raging horny-ness on a regular basis that would drive me INSANE of the itch wasn't scratched -- to one of many very pleasurable ways to be close with and intimate with my husband. I think the hormones kicking in had a lot to do with it, because it felt inside me like the dial went from 11 to a good constant 7. 

In this relationship she's in her younger 30's and he's in his 50's. His dial may be turning back a bit--doesn't mean he's not horny and doesn't desire her, just that it's perhaps not as urgent of an urge. But for her, shoot in the 30's you're just beginning to get good at orgasms and knowing what to do and when to do it with a lifelong, long-term partner, etc. TOTALLY different ballgame!


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

From a guy's perspective, sexual anxiety is a REAL issue. I suffered from it, time to time, especially when I was in my late teens, early twenties and just starting to have sex with various GF's. I believe almost every male does at some point in their life. As young boys, we (like 99% of us) watched ALOT of porn and formed our idea's and opinions of what sex was supposed to be. We were taught that the guy can go for 20 minutes or more, the girl gets instant satisfaction from us entering them, and we NEVER have ANY problems performing or staying hard. After all, when was the last time you watched a porn flick and the guy couldn't get it up or came within 2 minutes of entering the woman ??? Never. Right. So when we start having sex as young men, none of us are prepared for what really happens, and thus many of us suffer anxiety. We think "normal sex" is what happens in these porn films, and when we can't stay hard or cum in 2 minutes, we believe there's something wrong with us. Obviously that's not the case. It's even worse if the person your with pokes fun at you or makes you feel like the worse lover in the world. Believe me. This happens ALOT. I believe your husband has suffered from sexual anxiety from when he was very young. Using Ed meds or even drinking, is a "crutch". If your drinking and can't perform, you can easily blame it on the alcohol. If you take Ed meds, you have in your mind that there's nothing to worry about because you know you'll get hard. As I've gotten older, I've noticed I need significantly more foreplay (touching, squeezing, rubbing) to get a good hard on, especially if I'm having sex everyday or multiple times a day. If I haven't had sex for several days, there's usually never an issue. I would not take it personally that your husband is closing his eyes and rubbing himself to get hard. It's got absolutely NOTHING to do with you or your looks. Your being way too hard on yourself. Have you ever tried doing it for him ??? In other words, grabbing his penis and working it hard by hand or mouth ??? Regardless, please don't take it personally. And DO NOT belittle him or make him feel worse about it. This will certainly make matters significantly worse. You'll instantly increase his anxiety and he could get to the point where he avoids sex altogether because he's so worried about performing. Believe me. It happens a lot. As males, most of us have this unrealistic idea of how great a lover we're supposed to be. Anything less is a total failure, and thus, causes us anxiety. Believe me, it's definitely not you. Stop blaming yourself and try and make him feel as confident as possible. You might be surprised how much better your sex life might become.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

drewg350 said:


> . Stop blaming yourself and try and make him feel as confident as possible. You might be surprised how much better your sex life might become.


yep. Your telling him he is doing something wrong, only DRAWS ATTENTION to the fact that he can not perform. 

Instead just treat it all with humor. If he can not get it up, just say something like "oh well, looks like mister willey is not awake tonight...how about a good back rub instead"

take all the drama out of it


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