# He's still in love while I'm lost



## nainai0585 (Sep 11, 2015)

Needing to vent as I have no friends I can share this with (they'll run back and tell him) and no family (no one who cares enough to listen). So I'm sharing here.


We've been together since high school - for 13 yrs now, married for 8 yrs, he and I both lost our virginity to each other and have not been with anyone else. we have 2 kids (5 and 10) and are 30 and 31. 
I became pregnant when I was 20. To be perfectly honest, I had thought that that was what I had wanted at the time, a baby, to feel that deep ache I didn't fully acknowledge or recognise. I realized my mistake, took my birth control the next day as instructed, then found out a month later I was preggo. I swore up and down my husband would leave, and he pretty much did except for his physical form. In every sense I was a single mom, with an infant, finishing my last year of college. I felt lost, abandoned, and most likely dealt with some major postpartum depression, but never sought help for it. When my son was 1, I refused to have another with this man because I had no idea if I was going to be a single mom or not.
At 22, I was just about to start my first Gestational Surrogacy for a fantastic couple. Our first pyschological exam, he brings starts freaking out about what his dad will think. After the exam, he tells me that the ONLY way I can be a surrogate is if I married him....being as naive and gullible (I sincerely believed him every time he said things would be different) as I was, I agreed.
At 24 he started hounding me for a second baby, and for the first 3 months I was so happy that I never did get pregnant. When I did and then miscarried, I won't lie, I was both happy and devistated at the same time. It took 6 months to conceive my youngest. After he was born, I had my tubes permenantly tied.
At 27 he made a comment about my ever ballooning weight. After 5 kids (3 gestation surrogacies), I was 200lbs and so very unhappy with myself. His comment devistated me (as most of his has over the years) but after 2 days of self loathing, I said F it. 2 years later, I've dropped over 60 lbs, am close to my high school weight, and have more muscle and stamina then I ever did. I'm also getting a lot more attention from other men....my husband knows better then to tell me I can't speak to men or friend them on social media, but his body language and behaviour make it VERY clear he is not a happy camper.
Financially he is DEEP in the hole, whereas I barely have any debt at all. I did have my Freedom from You savings 4 months ago, then he went off with his buddies for the weekend (something I have never been able to do because of the kids) and spent every penny he had and couldn't make it back home....I gave him my savings. Stupid. I paid off his credit card 3 times now. The last 2, he racked right back up to its limit within 3 months. The last time I told him that the ONLY way I would pay it off is if he dropped his available credit WAY down (under 1000) because he even admitted, he couldn't handle the higher available credit. He agreed to do this. I paid it off. Suddenly packages from amazon start showing up, he lies and says he dropped his availabe credit to the agreed upon amount (I believe he's lying, but give him the benefit of the doubt). More packages arrive. I ask again what his limit is, again he tells me under 1000 (gut tells me he is definitely lying). More packages arrive. I ask him again. He finally tells me that instead of lowering it, he increased it to way above what it was before. Guess what, he no longer has any available credit on his card, because he racked it right back up again. I REFUSE to ever help him again with ANY credit card or loan (nothing is in my name, thankfully). BTW, ALL of the packages where for him. Nothing came for the kids or myself. It was all action figures and super hero stuff.

We've had so many rough patches, its no longer funny. We've gone 3 weeks without talking to each other, you could cut the tension in the air with a dull knife. Over the years there's been so many times I have been up and ready to leave, only to fall back into the routine of telliing him the issues, him balling confessing his love and that he REALLY WILL change this time, I stupidly believe him, 3-6 months later, we're back at square 1. Before the weight loss, I knew no one would want me (I'm being realistic) and I knew that my chances of being able to support my children where non existant. Now, his jealousy is rearing its ugly head and he's beating my down emotionally without even realizing it. His mother just left his father after 32 years of marriage. She says that she wasted so much of her great years on a man who didn't see her as more then just a mother and wife....lately my husband has been displaying A LOT of his fathers attitude and behaviours towards his wife, to me, and I don't want to be in my 50s and realize that I wasted so much time on him.

If I could go back to 19, I wouldn't of gotten pregnant and I would of left him before high school was finished.
I just found employment, and need to start saving again (its been a BAD year financially). I want to leave, I really do. I am unhappy, lonely, and am just blah over sex with him. I can't stand his inability to handle any money and he's been manipulated into paying for a piece of **** car for 7 yrs with a dealership (he's an automotive mechanic and SHOULD of known better, instead he saw something that was shiny and new, and he wanted it). He'll make an honest effort to change his behaviour or language, then within 3 months he starts slipping back to the way he was.
EX: This past May was a major blow up with me practically out the door. Promised to change so I stayed. Sept. 5 was my 30th birthday and I had worked that morning at 4am (I'm a baker) so I was tired by 5:30pm and ready for bed. After supper he tells me I need to clean the kitchen, I ask him if he can since its my birthday and the ONLY day of the year that I shouldn't have to. He throws a temper tantrum, making me feel like **** and guilty for even suggesting that he help. He did clean the kitchen. I'm sitting on the stairs at this time, having finished talking to my mother who is very ill and lives several thousand kilometres away. He then tells me I need to be in the living room with the kids (I'm sitting less then 10 feet away from them, its a small apartment) and not play on my phone (he heard me talking to my mother). He then threw another tantrum about how he has to do everything and I do nothing.....then when I am clearly pissed off and not giving him sex that night, he tells me he was just joking and I need to lighten up. This is EXACTLY what his father would do to his mother, making her feel guilty and ****ty for asking for help or even a day off...its only been 4 months since he said he'd make great changes.

I'm leaving....I need money first and so I need to stay for another several months so that I can save my pay cheques.


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