# Happily Married 18 years... then a stupid work trip to vegas.. Please Help!



## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

I am having a very difficult time now. I have been happily married (and faithful) for 18 years with a 14 year old daughter. Went on a business trip to Las Vegas at the end of November. One evening, while gambling with one of the guys from my class, he started buying shots for us. Needless to say I got more drunk than I had ever been in many years. He then suggested that we go to some "strip club" that he new about off the strip. It was a shady place, but I cant remember the name. Anyhow we went in and started watching the dancers on stage. Then a couple of the strippers that had been on stage earlier came over and asked us if we wanted private dances in the back. I stupidly said ok as did my the guy I was with, and I went into a private room with this gal. The next thing I know she has my pants down and is giving me a bj!! I was surprised at what was happening, and in my drunken state it took me a minute to get her off of me. I left right away and went straight back to my hotel to shower and throw up. 

Anyhow, I am now worried that I might have picked up some STD. I have had a few tests already that are negative, but I am worried that I may have picked up herpes. I have not yet told my wife, as I am at a loss as to what to do. We love each other very much, but we have not had sex since this trip (we usually have sex about once every 3 months or so). She is stubborn and has a tendency to never forgive anyone that has crossed her. I am so afraid to tell her because I can't even stand the thought of loosing her, and the impact it will have on my daughter. I know that what I did was wrong, and I have not been able to sleep at all since this happened. I so want to be truthful with her, but I know that she will never trust me again. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this right. I did a stupid stupid thing, and I can guarantee that I will never put myself into a situation like that again. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. My wife and my daughter are the world to me, and I cant even begin to imagine how they will think of me after I tell. Does anyone out there have advice for me as to how to tell her about this?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When telling her, just let it all out at once so she doesn't hear more details later on and feel the pain once again.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I am having a very difficult time now. I have been happily married (and faithful) for 18 years with a 14 year old daughter. Went on a business trip to Las Vegas at the end of November. One evening, while gambling with one of the guys from my class, he started buying shots for us. Needless to say I got more drunk than I had ever been in many years. He then suggested that we go to some "strip club" that he new about off the strip. It was a shady place, but I cant remember the name. Anyhow we went in and started watching the dancers on stage. Then a couple of the strippers that had been on stage earlier came over and asked us if we wanted private dances in the back. I stupidly said ok as did my the guy I was with, and I went into a private room with this gal. The next thing I know she has my pants down and is giving me a bj!! I was surprised at what was happening, and in my drunken state it took me a minute to get her off of me. I left right away and went straight back to my hotel to shower and throw up.
> 
> Anyhow, I am now worried that I might have picked up some STD. I have had a few tests already that are negative, but I am worried that I may have picked up herpes. I have not yet told my wife, as I am at a loss as to what to do. We love each other very much, but we have not had sex since this trip (we usually have sex about once every 3 months or so). She is stubborn and has a tendency to never forgive anyone that has crossed her. I am so afraid to tell her because I can't even stand the thought of loosing her, and the impact it will have on my daughter. I know that what I did was wrong, and I have not been able to sleep at all since this happened. I so want to be truthful with her, but I know that she will never trust me again. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this right. I did a stupid stupid thing, and I can guarantee that I will never put myself into a situation like that again. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. My wife and my daughter are the world to me, and I cant even begin to imagine how they will think of me after I tell. Does anyone out there have advice for me as to how to tell her about this?


I'm not certain I buy the aborted blowjob, especially when you factor in the alcohol but the problem was neither the dancer or the alcohol. If you're a faithful husband, you had no business being at a strip club. Unless you're 13 or you've never been to one, you should know very well that the dancing is just the window shopping. Champagne/VIP rooms exist exactly for what happened to you, so it's a little late to act shocked.

Tell your wife everything that happened. What you were doing, where you were doing it, who you were doing it with, how it made you feel, before and after. Next, be prepared to tell your work that something inappropriate happened during off hours that makes you unwilling to take work trips out of town anymore. Next, you have to be prepared to make _everything_ about your wife for a long time. You screwed up and it's up to you to do whatever she requires of you (within the proper bounds of marriage) to make her feel comfortable in trusting you again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think you have herpies? is it just paranoia?


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

I started experiencing genital pain about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and some herpes like symptoms, but no sores. Am currently waiting for follow up tests from Friday.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Unless she had oozing festering cold sores all over her mouth you don't have herpes.

If she did you got bigger problems than your marriage.

If what you are saying is true you've got an easy out. Sue the place for rape.

Otherwise just be honest and completely forthcoming. You've got nothing to lose, you've already lost it.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I started experiencing genital pain about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and some herpes like symptoms, but no sores. Am currently waiting for follow up tests from Friday.


Maybe a UTI. It happens to men too.

Did she have teeth?


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> I'm not certain I buy the aborted blowjob, especially when you factor in the alcohol but the problem was neither the dancer or the alcohol. If you're a faithful husband, you had no business being at a strip club. Unless you're 13 or you've never been to one, you should know very well that the dancing is just the window shopping. Champagne/VIP rooms exist exactly for what happened to you, so it's a little late to act shocked.
> 
> Tell your wife everything that happened. What you were doing, where you were doing it, who you were doing it with, how it made you feel, before and after. Next, be prepared to tell your work that something inappropriate happened during off hours that makes you unwilling to take work trips out of town anymore. Next, you have to be prepared to make _everything_ about your wife for a long time. You screwed up and it's up to you to do whatever she requires of you (within the proper bounds of marriage) to make her feel comfortable in trusting you again.


I totally agree with what you are saying. I have already told my work that I will no longer go on business trips, and I am ready to commit to doing whatever my wife requires of me to fix this.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> If what you are saying is true you've got an easy out. Sue the place for rape.


I hope you're being facetious or sarcastic here. Everybody knows what a "private dance" is and what the champagne rooms are for.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I totally agree with what you are saying. I have already told my work that I will no longer go on business trips, and I am ready to commit to doing whatever my wife requires of me to fix this.


It's a good sign that you're willing to lose some possible advancements at work to save your marriage. Just be aware that this behavior might not be something that she can forgive. Have you visited strip clubs in the past? What she aware you were going this time?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> I hope you're being facetious or sarcastic here. Everybody knows what a "private dance" is and what the champagne rooms are for.


I'm trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt when he says:



Looser20122 said:


> I stupidly said ok as did my the guy I was with, and I went into a private room with this gal. The next thing I know she has my pants down and is giving me a bj!! I was surprised at what was happening



Otherwise I think he is more concerned that he's going to have to tell his wife that he's contracted an STD then he is about coming clean with her for the sake of his marriage.


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> It's a good sign that you're willing to lose some possible advancements at work to save your marriage. Just be aware that this behavior might not be something that she can forgive. Have you visited strip clubs in the past? What she aware you were going this time?


I have been to strip clubs probably 3 time total in my life. This was the first in Vegas. I have to say that I just thought that they would just rub up against me with my pants on.. She was aware of me going on this trip, and I have been on business trips before to Vegas, but the worst thing I had done before this was loose $200 playing blackjack. Just never did anything like this before. I will never go back to that town again!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband got a bj from a hooker, and thought he caught something from her. He kept it a secret from me but eventually ended up telling me 5 months later. You can read my whole story thru the link in my signature if you like. Anyway, we had sex a week after the BJ, and only after that did he say anything about any kind of infection, and then he made me think he'd got something from me (yeast infection, we've exchanged them in the past) so I was googling stuff for him and trying to help him figure it out and everything.

He hid what he did, we continued reconciling, then he ended up telling me. I won't lie, I could have killed him. Well, knocked him unconscious at least. I can't remember anything he said after I realized what he was telling me. I threw things, yelled and screamed, then just cried for a whole day. I made him throw out the couch he got it on.

My advice:
- tell her EVERYTHING up front and be prepared to answer questions
- be prepared to answer questions for at least 2 years
- be prepared to leave the house - she is well within her rights to kick your cheating ass to the curb. If she does, don't give up - you can still recover
- DO NOT make any excuses for what you did
- get STD tested and show her the results in writing
- become an open book to her. You are going to have to prove for the next few years that your cheating ass can be trusted. 
- Be prepared that she may never trust you again - she SHOULDN'T trust you again, until you've spent years proving you CAN be trusted
- read the link in my signature about Understanding, so you have an inkling what you've done


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I have been to strip clubs probably 3 time total in my life. This was the first in Vegas. I have to say that I just thought that they would just rub up against me with my pants on..


They do, in the main room. Depending on how much money you flash, or how many $20 drinks you buy your dancer, depends on if they're willing to invite you back to a champagne room, which is more or less equivalent to a room in a brothel. If you were to use a black-light in those places, it would probably be visible from space.

Were you buying drinks or being fast with cash? If not, I find it odd that a dancer would pull the trigger, unless she was just horny and at the end of her shift. Of course, it's also possible that your co-worker tried to set something up, "between bros" you understand.


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> They do, in the main room. Depending on how much money you flash, or how many $20 drinks you buy your dancer, depends on if they're willing to invite you back to a champagne room, which is more or less equivalent to a room in a brothel. If you were to use a black-light in those places, it would probably be visible from space.
> 
> Were you buying drinks or being fast with cash? If not, I find it odd that a dancer would pull the trigger, unless she was just horny and at the end of her shift. Of course, it's also possible that your co-worker tried to set something up, "between bros" you understand.


I did have some cash with me (about $100), but I know that my classmate had been winning at the blackjack tables earlier, so it may be possible that he set something up... I had just met him a couple of days before at the class I was attending. He and a couple other of the guys in the class had arranged to meet to play blackjack that evening, and I joined them. It was the after blackjack time that everyone went back to their rooms except for me and him.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I did have some cash with me (about $100), but I know that my classmate had been winning at the blackjack tables earlier, so it may be possible that he set something up... I had just met him a couple of days before at the class I was attending. He and a couple other of the guys in the class had arranged to meet to play blackjack that evening, and I joined them. It was the after blackjack time that everyone went back to their rooms except for me and him.


Well, if you weren't buying the dancer drinks and or remunerating her in any way, then someone paid her, because she didn't fellate you out of the goodness of her heart. If I had to guess, the classmate probably solicited the dancers in question for the both of you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> We love each other very much, but we have not had sex since this trip (*we usually have sex about once every 3 months or so*).


:scratchhead:

No wonder you were so easily convinced to visit the house of ill-repute.

You need to come clean to your wife but be prepared to have your sex rationed to once every leap year.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> No wonder you were so easily convinced to visit the house of ill-repute.
> 
> You need to come clean to your wife but be prepared to have your sex rationed to once every leap year.


Wow, good catch, Count. I didn't even notice that. Loose, who is generally the initiator of intimacy in your marriage, you or your wife? What's the cause of limitation (boredom, lack of opportunity, loss of libido, physical discomfort, etc.)?


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Just tell her what you told us, if that's how it truly happened. Make sure you are 100% honest and don't hide any details. 

The fact you never cheated before may be a positive point in your favor. But she is still going to be very much hurt and the road to recovery may be long, just read the stories here.

Plus, and this is just my personal opinion, you might want to rethink your friendship with that guy, after all he sort of played a part in your bad decisions that day. 

Does he know what happened in the private room? If so, how did he react? Was he fine with what you did and/or even defended your behaviour as normal and no big deal? 

If so, you might want to end the friendship, because your wife may not be very accepting of your relatioship with a guy who is now going to be considered a toxic friend to you while you are going to be trying to fix your marriage.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> Did she have teeth?


OK that was funny. Sorry.


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

NatashaYurino said:


> Just tell her what you told us, if that's how it truly happened. Make sure you are 100% honest and don't hide any details.
> 
> The fact you never cheated before may be a positive point in your favor. But she is still going to be very much hurt and the road to recovery may be long, just read the stories here.
> 
> ...



He is not a good friend of mine, but an acquaintance that works at a similar company to mine, we just happened to be taking the same class in Las Vegas. To be honest, I left his sorry ass there at the club and took off before I could see him again. I don't plan on ever hanging out with him again after what happened, that is for sure!

I am planning on telling her this weekend, as my daughter's birthday is on Thursday. I don't want to ruin that day for either one of them


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> Wow, good catch, Count. I didn't even notice that. Loose, who is generally the initiator of intimacy in your marriage, you or your wife? What's the cause of limitation (boredom, lack of opportunity, loss of libido, physical discomfort, etc.)?


To be honest, since my daughter was born, she has had very little interest in intimacy. I was usually the initiator, but on rare occasions she would be. Since this happened, I feel like the tables have now turned. The thought of sex with anyone seems repulsive to me, even my wife. I just know that I love her more than anything in the world, and if I had to give up sex to keep her, I would do it in a heartbeat.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

JMGrey said:


> I hope you're being facetious or sarcastic here. Everybody knows what a "private dance" is and what the champagne rooms are for.


Not so far fetched. What would you say if it was a woman? He did not give specific permission for a bj.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> No so far fetched. What would you say if it was a woman? He did not give specific permission for a bj.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd say the same thing regardless. People go to strip clubs for sexual stimulation. People go to the champagne/VIP rooms of strip clubs for sexual gratification. If you're unacquainted with the protocol of a strip club, then you should probably keep your streak going and avoid them.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> To be honest, since my daughter was born, she has had very little interest in intimacy. I was usually the initiator, but on rare occasions she would be. Since this happened, I feel like the tables have now turned. The thought of sex with anyone seems repulsive to me, even my wife. I just know that I love her more than anything in the world, and if I had to give up sex to keep her, I would do it in a heartbeat.


This seems odd to me. The thought of sex seems repulsive to you, regardless of the party, and yet you went to a strip club (in an institution whose purpose is sexual stimulation) and didn't find the entertainment repulsive enough to maintain an erection even while inebriated, as alcohol is a vasodilator. Help me out here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Looser20122 said:


> To be honest, since my daughter was born, she has had very little interest in intimacy. I was usually the initiator, but on rare occasions she would be. Since this happened, I feel like the tables have now turned. The thought of *sex with anyone seems repulsive to me*, even my wife. I just know that I love her more than anything in the world, and if I had to give up sex to keep her, I would do it in a heartbeat.


This is not a normal way for a healthy man to feel. Have you had your hormone levels checked? There is something going on with you that is not good.

When did sex start to be repulsive to you? Did you see your daughter's birth? Did that affect you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> I'm not certain I buy the aborted blowjob, especially when you factor in the alcohol but the problem was neither the dancer or the alcohol. If you're a faithful husband, you had no business being at a strip club. Unless you're 13 or you've never been to one, you should know very well that the dancing is just the window shopping. Champagne/VIP rooms exist exactly for what happened to you, so it's a little late to act shocked.
> 
> Tell your wife everything that happened. What you were doing, where you were doing it, who you were doing it with, how it made you feel, before and after. Next, be prepared to tell your work that something inappropriate happened during off hours that makes you unwilling to take work trips out of town anymore. Next, you have to be prepared to make _everything_ about your wife for a long time. You screwed up and it's up to you to do whatever she requires of you (within the proper bounds of marriage) to make her feel comfortable in trusting you again.


I don't think it is common knowledge that you can get sex in strip clubs. None of the people I know have eer mentioned it.

Go to your MD and tell him exactly what happened. If you check out clean, keep it under your hat and live with your guilt.

If you have to tell your wife don't despair that she will not forgive you. Women that can hold a grudge don't usually hold grudges against their husbands like they do other people. If they did they wouldn't be married long.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is not a normal way for a healthy man to feel. Have you had your hormone levels checked? There is something going on with you that is not good.
> 
> When did sex start to be repulsive to you? Did you see your daughter's birth? Did that affect you?


I think he meant after bejeus interuptus


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I think he meant after bejeus interuptus


He needs to clarify.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I don't think it is common knowledge that you can get sex in strip clubs. None of the people I know have eer mentioned it.


What part of Kentucky are you in? Because if you're anywhere near the KY/WV border, I can name 5 just off the top of my head that are more or less brothels, probably with police collusion, though I have no proof.


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He needs to clarify.


Yes... I was fine with sex till after this trip. Puts everything in a whole new light...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Looser20122 said:


> Yes... I was fine with sex till after this trip. Puts everything in a whole new light...


If it really happened the way you described, you are raped or near-raped. Legally you were probably too drunk to consent. That would explain your disgust.


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## jkt (Dec 3, 2012)

What is the name of this establishment? So i know to avoid it next time I am there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

There's some minimization going on here. We can't set this up as being a victim of suddenly without warning finding our di*k in a stripper's mouth. 

Reminds me of Bill Clinton's "I didn't inhale" line too - "I didn't cum". What we're up against here is the fact it is the STD that is forcing our hand, and all of this smoke is being blown to make it sound like it wasn't really acquired the way people acquire STD's. Honestly honey, I was just an innocent bystander...

Even if all of this story is exactly true the wife is going to have tremendous resentment against minimizing it because the way it comes off is that the wife is not allowed the full measure of shock, resentment, and expectations of reparitions. So when you tell her, if that is what happens, there just can't be anything but full responsibility and contrition despite the urge to make a molehill out of this mountain. You just can't be telling this story as it has been told here with the over-arching theme of victimhood. 

I am troubled by this part of the story: I would never have stepped into a champagne room without knowing what happens in one. I would also never permit someone to buy something for me at these kinds of prices. We're talking hundred-dollar order of magnitude here, roughly speaking. It just defies common sense that a person would not even know that stepping into one costs a lot more money than a lap dance, which is bad enough, and that the privacy of that room does not imply more than what is going on with lapdances. 

And if I think that then the wife absolutely will, so minimizing this behavior and saying you were gallantly fending her mouth off from your Johnson once you figured out the appalling nature of a champagne room is going to make her angry and cause her to believe you are just a liar.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You're going to have to change your story when you tell your wife, so that it's more believable. 

No way you didn't realize she was unzipping your pants, taking out your d-ick and sucking on it for a bit before you knew what was going on.

Maybe tell her that all those months without sex finally wore you down and in a moment of weakness you just went and got something she's been unwilling to provide for quite some time.

Maybe your sex life will actually improve.


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## stars (Jan 7, 2013)

Let's assume you are being completely honest about being faithful for over 14 yrs, what happened in Vegas and never doing it again... Your wife deserves the truth. Just be honest. As far as what happened in Vegas...women in those professions ALWAYS expect to be paid FIRST before any clothes come off, so they know that you are not an undercover cop. If you are happily married then why are you and your wife only having sex once every 3 months and you always initiate? Who knows, maybe this could end up improving your relationship...of course after time and counseling. It might open the doors to communication about your intimacy with your wife which may be tough in the beginning but in the long run it could turn into a positive situation.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[we usually have sex about once every 3 months or so)That says it all. I say get the follow up from the Doctor do not have sex with you wife which you are not already and let it go after that if it comes back clean,it does not sound like you wife is a gem herself .

Playing Devils advocate,The thing I do agree with is the stripper would want her money first,because how does she know you would have the money when its over unless you buddy did pay but I would Imagine that would be pretty expensive in LV.You were sober enough to walk into a seperate room but you were not sober enough to stop the woman from unzipping your pants and pulling your packge out through your underwear.


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I am having a very difficult time now. I have been happily married (and faithful) for 18 years with a 14 year old daughter. Went on a business trip to Las Vegas at the end of November. One evening, while gambling with one of the guys from my class, he started buying shots for us. Needless to say I got more drunk than I had ever been in many years. He then suggested that we go to some "strip club" that he new about off the strip. It was a shady place, but I cant remember the name. Anyhow we went in and started watching the dancers on stage. Then a couple of the strippers that had been on stage earlier came over and asked us if we wanted private dances in the back. I stupidly said ok as did my the guy I was with, and I went into a private room with this gal. The next thing I know she has my pants down and is giving me a bj!! I was surprised at what was happening, and in my drunken state it took me a minute to get her off of me. I left right away and went straight back to my hotel to shower and throw up.
> 
> Anyhow, I am now worried that I might have picked up some STD. I have had a few tests already that are negative, but I am worried that I may have picked up herpes. I have not yet told my wife, as I am at a loss as to what to do. We love each other very much, but we have not had sex since this trip (we usually have sex about once every 3 months or so). She is stubborn and has a tendency to never forgive anyone that has crossed her. I am so afraid to tell her because I can't even stand the thought of loosing her, and the impact it will have on my daughter. I know that what I did was wrong, and I have not been able to sleep at all since this happened. I so want to be truthful with her, but I know that she will never trust me again. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this right. I did a stupid stupid thing, and I can guarantee that I will never put myself into a situation like that again. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. My wife and my daughter are the world to me, and I cant even begin to imagine how they will think of me after I tell. Does anyone out there have advice for me as to how to tell her about this?


My advice is: NEVER TELL HER OF WHAT HAPPENED!!!... You're already lost, but don't make her feel the same or worse by telling her what happened. Go to church confess & make up your mind.Forget about the past.By knowing it won't do good for both, Don't try to be honest now & screw up her life & your daughter.make sure to do all kinds of test before you engage with your wife again!!!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> To be honest, since my daughter was born, she has had very little interest in intimacy. I was usually the initiator, but on rare occasions she would be. Since this happened, I feel like the tables have now turned. The thought of sex with anyone seems repulsive to me, even my wife. I just know that I love her more than anything in the world, and if I had to give up sex to keep her, I would do it in a heartbeat.


You got a huge problem in the marriage because of this affair.

But I'm reminded of a story I read. This guy was shot in the head by a .22 but while in the hospital, the doctors discovered he needed a quadruple bypass.

Once you fix this, you got a LOT to fix in your marriage even outside of this BJ. 

She sounds sexually controlling and stubborn. Get MC to fix this...and then use it to fix the other stuff. If she doesn't change, I'd advise reevaluating your marriage. People FORGIVE (perhaps not affairs, but it sounds like she holds grudges about EVERYTHING). People HAVE SEX. Don't let her tell you otherwise.

If she tosses you out, go.

You need to lose this friend. He paid off the stripper because he's an idiot, an ass or evil.

Edited to add: 

You are willing to give up SEX for permission for her to keep holding grudges against you? Are you frigging KIDDING ME?

You need to get some self respect because you seem to be passively accepting BJs and accepting pity sex from the wife.

Tell me, pre Vegas, were you OKAY with getting sex which could be set with a farm calendar?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, you are depriving yourself of sex under the mistaken belief that there's more to marriage than sex. 

I held that same view for almost twenty years and was 'content' to get pity sex 2 or 3 times a month because my ex satisfied my other needs.

I later found out that she very much enjoyed sex - just not with me. Is it any wonder that I almost flew into a homicidal rage when I found out that all the while she was depriving me of my sexual needs, she was out getting hers from other men? 

You have serious problems in your 'happy' marriage - the least of which is getting a BJ from some skank in Vegas.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

In defense of the OP, if I thought I might have contracted an STD I would be repulsed by the thought of sex with anyone just like he has described.

Having that fear is a real bad situation and I know I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else.


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## Looser20122 (Jan 8, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> There's some minimization going on here. We can't set this up as being a victim of suddenly without warning finding our di*k in a stripper's mouth.
> 
> Reminds me of Bill Clinton's "I didn't inhale" line too - "I didn't cum". What we're up against here is the fact it is the STD that is forcing our hand, and all of this smoke is being blown to make it sound like it wasn't really acquired the way people acquire STD's. Honestly honey, I was just an innocent bystander...
> 
> ...


I am totally not trying to minimize this. At the end of the day I made the decision to go with him to that club, and did allow the gal to get my zipper down, so that is all on me, and something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I take full responsibility, and it is my fault alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> My advice is: NEVER TELL HER OF WHAT HAPPENED!!!... You're already lost, but don't make her feel the same or worse by telling her what happened. Go to church confess & make up your mind.Forget about the past.By knowing it won't do good for both, Don't try to be honest now & screw up her life & your daughter.make sure to do all kinds of test before you engage with your wife again!!!


There are two schools of thought on this. Ask 100 MC and 50% will say to tell. 50% will say not to tell.

I think that both sides have good arguments. This is especially true in this case where the OP is most likely never going to repeat. This is a one-off stupidity. Why hurt his wife, protect her.

It's an alternative view.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

First time poster long time lurker. I wanted to chime in here because I went through a similar situation as you. I too felt guilty and I ended up telling my wife everything. Big mistake!!! Don't do it. I basically turned our happy existence into hell for roughly 18 months for no reason. What was the point of telling her? She didn't know and I had no intentions of doing anything like that ever again. Most posters on TAM favor complete honesty in every situation. I see it as more of case by case basis. You have obviously learned your lesson here. Why take the risk of losing everything over something that will never see the light of day unless you divulge it? I can still see the look of devastation on my wife's face when I told her. At that moment I knew I had made a mistake in telling her but it was too late.

One more thing. I told my wife because I swore up and down I had caught something. For weeks I thought something is going on "down there". I over analyzed every itch, swore up and down I felt burning sensations. Had multiple tests done because I swore that something was "wrong". After countless tests it was all in my head, all caused by my guilt. Your encounter sounds extremely low risk, and based on your negative test results you are probably just feeling guilty like I was. Tell her if you must but I have a feeling that once you see her reaction you will immediately wish that you didn't. Please spare her this anger and pain and go about trying to make yourself into a better man and husband.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> First time poster long time lurker. I wanted to chime in here because I went through a similar situation as you. I too felt guilty and I ended up telling my wife everything. Big mistake!!! Don't do it. I basically turned our happy existence into hell for roughly 18 months for no reason. What was the point of telling her? She didn't know and I had no intentions of doing anything like that ever again. Most posters on TAM favor complete honesty in every situation. I see it as more of case by case basis. You have obviously learned your lesson here. Why take the risk of losing everything over something that will never see the light of day unless you divulge it? I can still see the look of devastation on my wife's face when I told her. At that moment I knew I had made a mistake in telling her but it was too late.
> 
> One more thing. I told my wife because I swore up and down I had caught something. For weeks I thought something is going on "down there". I over analyzed every itch, swore up and down I felt burning sensations. Had multiple tests done because I swore that something was "wrong". After countless tests it was all in my head, all caused by my guilt. Your encounter sounds extremely low risk, and based on your negative test results you are probably just feeling guilty like I was. Tell her if you must but I have a feeling that once you see her reaction you will immediately wish that you didn't. Please spare her this anger and pain and go about trying to make yourself into a better man and husband.


I couldn't disagree more vocally. It doesn't matter if he intends to do this again. Nothing of any great magnitude stays hidden in a marriage forever, and this is something that is affecting his emotional well-being, even his interest in sex with his wife which, by his own admission, seems mutually limited to begin with. It _will_ come out, whether he means it to or not. A thoughtless remark, a stray Facebook post from the former classmate he went to club with. It doesn't take much. By itself, it's bad maybe even unforgivable. But if he lies about it, especially for a long time, and she finds out, it'll probably bury the marriage completely.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Telling her is for you, not for her. I know I couldn't live with myself with a lie like that, but if you can, more power to you!

If you chose this route I predict that in years down the road you will finally have to come clean for your own peace of mind, once you are ready to accept that what you have done is irreparable but that your own sanity is worth more to you than your marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Looser20122 said:


> I am totally not trying to minimize this.


Denying what you are doing in front of my eyes isn't convincing me that my eyes are lying. People are telling you this out of frankness not to bash you, but to convey the reality. 




> At the end of the day I made the decision to go with him to that club, and did allow the gal to get my zipper down, so that is all on me, and something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I take full responsibility, and it is my fault alone.



It seems obvious to me that telling is consequent to the STD concern, in response to the people saying not to tell. This does not appear to be a matter of choice, and even if there is no STD there is still all of the telltale evidence like going to the doctor and having tests done, his behavior that has changed as he says, the fact it is associated with a trip to Vegas - maybe he can get off scot free here but it's a lot more cover-up than merely "not telling". 

I don't know what to say about the telling/not telling. I don't claim to be an expert here on this. But if you do tell it has to be the full accountability version and not the "they made me do it" version.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Telling her is not for him. It's for her. Imagine how devastated she will be when she finds out after a year, or five, or ten, that he hid this from her and lied for so many years?? We've seen many many posts where the BS says the lying is worse than the cheating. Every day you wait is another day that you are forcing her to live a lie, and that she will have to mourn when she does find out.

My husband waited five months to tell me, and those five months were erased in the blink of an eye. All the hard work we both did on our marriage - everything. 

not to mention the fact that when she finds out, it will be far worse that she had to find out and you didn't tell her.

Of course she'll be devastated when you tell her. But the devastation when you don't, and she finds out on her own, will be far, far worse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Looser20122 said:


> I totally agree with what you are saying. I have already told my work that I will no longer go on business trips, and I am ready to commit to doing whatever my wife requires of me to fix this.


So you were aware that she was unzipping your pants? What did you think she was going to do? Were you aware that she took out your junk? Again what did you think she was going to do? 

You may be minimizing this. When you tell your wife, tell her all, the brutal truth. Trickle truth is like water torture.

She really has a right to transparency from you on any issue that has the potential to effect her health or her decision to stay married to you. 

I think if you keep this a secret, you may have to tell other lies and your marriage is likely to become a sham. 

On another issue - are you really happy being married to a stubborn woman who holds a grudge and has sex with you every 3 months. 

If you successfully R, I think that these issues must be resolved as part of working on your marriage down the road.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

disenchanted said:


> did she have teeth?


bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

BTW, my $0.02 is that not telling her about your betrayal is, IMHO, as low as being a pedophile.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> BTW, my $0.02 is that not telling her about your betrayal is, IMHO, as low as being a pedophile.


:scratchhead:

Why not equate it to being a mass murderer?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Telling her is not for him. It's for her. Imagine how devastated she will be when she finds out after a year, or five, or ten, that he hid this from her and lied for so many years?? We've seen many many posts where the BS says the lying is worse than the cheating. Every day you wait is another day that you are forcing her to live a lie, and that she will have to mourn when she does find out.
> 
> My husband waited five months to tell me, and those five months were erased in the blink of an eye. All the hard work we both did on our marriage - everything.
> 
> ...


He let some toothless hooker with an oral infection suck him off. Chances are the betrayed will never find out if he can keep it all locked up inside of himself. The only other person in the wolrd who knows is some dude he met at the work conference that he may never see again.

I 100% agree with what you've said here Hope, my WW's deceit and lies were worse than the physical act for me. But there was an emotional connection and I already knew about what was going to happen so dday was not a surprise (my reaction to it was though).

The point of my post was this,: OP, you can lie to yourself but you can't lie to us. You have already destroyed the sacred union you had with you poor BS. 

The best thing you could do for her is divorce her and not ever tell her what a horrible husband you are.

Sorry but I am a bitter betrayed spouse.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> So you were aware that she was unzipping your pants? What did you think she was going to do? Were you aware that she took out your junk? Again what did you think she was going to do?
> 
> You may be minimizing this. When you tell your wife, tell her all, the brutal truth. Trickle truth is like water torture.
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree. 



> On another issue - are you really happy being married to a stubborn woman who holds a grudge and has sex with you every 3 months.
> 
> If you successfully R, I think that these issues must be resolved as part of working on your marriage down the road.


The problem is that he has delayed dealing with this for a good while. He cheated, so raising this issues will clearly look like he is justifying his behavior. He needs to address his cheating and her pain before he will get a chance to address these. He is in for a long road.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Looser - 

My husband was involved in a similar situation as you, except that he intentionally did it.

I found out through an email that I had access to.

I think you should tell your wife about your activity in Vegas. She will flip out, but it's better than her finding out some other way.

If my husband would have confessed before I found out secretly, things would only be half as bad. Not good, but much better. The secrecy is what bothers me more than anything.

I think you should tell her, and keep coming back to TAM as you go through this for the support you need.

There is a way through this if you do it the right way.

Good Luck and let us know how things are ging.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Absolutely agree.
> 
> 
> 
> The problem is that he has delayed dealing with this for a good while. He cheated, so raising this issues will clearly look like he is justifying his behavior. He needs to address his cheating and her pain before he will get a chance to address these. He is in for a long road.


Thanks for clarifying this. This cannot be emphasized enough there is never an excuse to cheat in my book. 

But it seemed so odd that he said he was in a happy marriage. Although cheating is never a response to marital unhappiness, the quality of the marriage must, at some point, be evaluated. 

If thy R, the marriage has to be better than before the affair or they should end it now. I think this shoukd be the last phase of recovery.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> I hope you're being facetious or sarcastic here. Everybody knows what a "private dance" is and what the champagne rooms are for.


Really? I've never been to a strip club. I always trusted Chris Rock on this one. I thought the dancers just rubbed their bodies on the outside of clothes.

If I went to a strip club, I would be pretty surprised if someone starting giving me a BJ and would not feel I consented.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> So you were aware that she was unzipping your pants? What did you think she was going to do? Were you aware that she took out your junk? Again what did you think she was going to do?


To be fair here there are a lot of possibilities.

- she might have a nursing credential and be performing a health check.

- she might be looking for lost jewelry

- many strippers are immigrants so it could be a cultural thing one would not want to refuse out of politeness.

The context would not be much help here, being a strip club and all. If it was at a library between the stacks or in the subway coming home from work, you could be more sure of the intentions. But in a private room at a strip club it would be confusing and I can see why you would take a few minutes to make sure there wasn't an innocent explanation.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

:rofl: :lol:

Sounds reasonable to me. I'm glad he didn't consult with you. He might actually dodge this bullet if he had.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Loser20122, Hope1964 always has great advice. Here's what she wrote: 

"My advice:
- tell her EVERYTHING up front and be prepared to answer questions
- be prepared to answer questions for at least 2 years
- be prepared to leave the house - she is well within her rights to kick your cheating ass to the curb. If she does, don't give up - you can still recover
- DO NOT make any excuses for what you did
- get STD tested and show her the results in writing
- become an open book to her. You are going to have to prove for the next few years that your cheating ass can be trusted. 
- Be prepared that she may never trust you again - she SHOULDN'T trust you again, until you've spent years proving you CAN be trusted
- read the link in my signature about Understanding, so you have an inkling what you've done"

In addition, I'd add you'll have to give up your buddy in your "class" who did this with you, and anyone else who had a play in this drunken night. Forever. Cut them out of your circle and swear never to communicate with them again. Read up on transparancy. Also, be prepared for your life to explode. 

That being said, you MUST tell her. You have to love her enough to hurt her, so she can begin healing.


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