# Holiday Blues?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

With the holidays approaching, I feel the sadness creeping in.

Been in R for almost 2 years. This will be our second holiday season. Last year we had a ton of family around and lots of activity and travel throughout the 6 weeks or so. It kept my mind busy and I was able to get through without too much pain. WS gave me a heartfelt handmade gift to show that he was committed to our R. But my doubts still linger. Keep wondering if I should keep going.

This year will be far more quiet. I am dreading the season. I keep grieving for those sweet holiday moments of the past when I truly believed that I the kids and I were the center of his universe. 

How do you handle the holidays?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I was actually going to post this topic. Very new to R (just a few months in) still having really hard conversations and doing well. 

The Holidays are always hard and stressful since our families are scattered and we always have so much going on. There is honestly extra stress right now wondering if we can make it through the week intact. 

I'm trying to keep it low pressure. I hope everyone is able to find some way to make their holiday enjoyable. If nothing else go to a movie or watch a marathon of something on Netflix. 

Our plans are to drive the 5 hours home to my family (always high stress) but its on the beach, I love the beach in the winter.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Coming into my 3rd holiday season post Dday. The sadness is down there. The more I think about it or linger on it the worse it gets. So, I try not to. Either she says faithful or not. I know the warning signs better. I know to check and find out faster and not bury my head in the sand. I know what I'll do if it happens. Understanding that gives me the power not to worry so much about it and I try to focus on the positive. 

There are plenty of good things going on in my life, when I find the blues creeping in I try to figure out what triggered it. Determine if it's a 'red flag' I need to investigate. If it is, I investigate. After I determine it's nothing, just the past patterns creeping back in, then I list the good things going on in my life and focus on one of them for a while. If it ever turns out to be 'something', I worry less because I know exactly what I will do:
1.) Gather as much evidence as I feel I need.
2.) See my lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Move money to a new account.
3.) Confront her and present her with seperation agreement and divorce papers. 
4.) Expose to family and announce my soon to be single status.

The plan doesn't have to be complicated, but it does need to be concrete. I know my lawyer by name. I have her number and email in a couple of different places, so I can find it easily even in the heat of the moment. I've given thought to the seperation agreement. I have list of assets, I update it each year. The living arrangements depend on her signing the agreement. If she signs it, I'd move out, if she doesn't, then I fight for the house (in the agreement I keep a greater share of my retirement investments in exchange for giving her all the equity in the house). Having a detailed exit strategy really helps reduce the anxiety resulting from the lack of trust in your spouse.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I agree that having a good grasp of what D would look like financially and other details helps. 

The Holidays just seem to bring their own special kind of pressure. Pictures of perfect happy couples, commercials of people being lovingly surprised with cars or diamonds. Makes me want to throw up a bit. Both because I've had those picture perfect holidays and because I realize it doesn't protect you from the pain of the harsh reality we are all dealing with.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The last couple of seasons I have been looking for new traditions, staying busy and at the same time trying to keep the family stuff simple.

The new traditions has been something my wife and I talk about, it is something new and fresh for us and it seems to help both of us manage.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Pictures of perfect happy couples, commercials of people being lovingly surprised with cars or diamonds. Makes me want to throw up a bit. Both because I've had those picture perfect holidays and because I realize it doesn't protect you from the pain of the harsh reality we are all dealing with.


Then surely you know that they are just pictures. Even in your own past, sadly. Your post resonated since I've been lurking, but mostly over on another part of TAM. The commercials contain actors. And you don't, in fact you can't, know what is going on inside houses that may appear perfectly happy on the outside. 

Go ahead and throw up, if that's what you really want. But don't let the picture suggest all is bliss everywhere you turn. It's not -- at very least, everyone has in-laws, and their own families to bring heartache!

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's a UK Christmas advert Sainsbury's Christmas Advert 2013 - Children's Christmas - YouTube


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would recommend you find things that actually cheer you up and focus on those. Find kids movies and sit down with them this holiday and make it a great time for them. You will see them smile and things will go so much easier. 


I ended my marriage 5 days before Christmas. It sure killed my kids. I kept custody of them and spoiled them rotten. 

You know once you go through these things you really wish other people would not have to experience these things. This site has been a eye opener for me in a lot of ways. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanks Giving. 

Clay


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

1812overture said:


> Then surely you know that they are just pictures. Even in your own past, sadly. Your post resonated since I've been lurking, but mostly over on another part of TAM. The commercials contain actors. And you don't, in fact you can't, know what is going on inside houses that may appear perfectly happy on the outside.
> 
> Go ahead and throw up, if that's what you really want. But don't let the picture suggest all is bliss everywhere you turn. It's not -- at very least, everyone has in-laws, and their own families to bring heartache!
> 
> Good luck.



Yes, I really do know that no one knows what's behind the facade. All is not well in "picture perfect" suburbia. 

I've always been a bit of a cynical person. So I don't get overly worked up about that. I brought it up I suppose because when I really did have it of course I failed to fully appreciate it.

I'm choosing to focus on what I do still have. It really is still good. So I want to try to enjoy it as best as I can manage.

It is a great topic for a thread. We are all here for support. And as if we all don't have enough going on the holidays have snuck up on us. 

So I'm glad you've been coaxed out of lurking. Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join, but I'm sure glad you are all here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Yes, I really do know that no one knows what's behind the facade. All is not well in "picture perfect" suburbia.
> 
> I've always been a bit of a cynical person. So I don't get overly worked up about that. I brought it up I suppose because when I really did have it of course I failed to fully appreciate it.
> 
> ...


The Sainsbury's advert is a bit special, they commissioned a director to film real people celebrating Christmas. So the soldier coming back unexpectedly (to the kids) from Afghanistan is the real deal!:smthumbup:


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

On the first day of Christmas 
my WW give to me
a STD from her affair.

On the second day of Christmas
my WW give to me
two OM
and a STD!

On the third day of Christmas
my WW give to me
three busted cards
two OM
and a STD!


God this is so sad.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

rubpy3 said:


> On the first day of Christmas
> my WW give to me
> a STD from her affair.
> 
> ...


We are supposed to be spreading cheer not sharing antibiotics. Is this going all 12 days? I have a feeling you are going to have six sores a spreading...


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

Six sores a spreading
Five doctors visiting
Four blood tests
Three busted cards
Two OMs
and a STD!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

rubpy3 said:


> Six sores a spreading
> Five doctors visiting
> Four blood tests
> Three busted cards
> ...


I'm glad I'm not the only one who uses gallows humor as a coping device.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Holidays can be particularly bad when you are separated or going through divorce. When everyone around you is so high with celebration, it makes your low, seem even lower. The problem is exaggerated when people are so use to being the focus and now do not seem all that special. To all I recommend that you take the focus off of yourself and instead dedicate time to help those that are in need, which make you feel better and is in fact the real reason for the season.

My wife and I have not exchanged gifts for a few years. Instead we give donations to causes that are near and dear to the other individual and place the envelops on a little tree that we decorate. Nobody gets stuff they don't want or need and worthy causes are helped in the process. Plan lots of events with family and friends, create new memories and don't loose sight of the reason for the season.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You bet!!!
I gravitate between hysterical laughter and wanting to set my car on fire to wanting to crawl in bed and cry until next year.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

One of my W's ONS occurred while I was at sea (Navy) from early November to late February. She says she doesn't know exactly when in that time period she had the fling. So my choices for ruined holidays are numerous. Was it:
1. her giving thanks by going gobble gobble?
2. her playing Santa with OM and letting him open her box?
3. Did she have to make a resolution not to cheat in the new year?
4. or was she simply some one else's valentine while I was out punching hole in the ocean dreaming about getting back to her?

Yeah, this time of year is pretty rough these days.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> One of my W's ONS occurred while I was at sea (Navy) from early November to late February. She says she doesn't know exactly when in that time period she had the fling. So my choices for ruined holidays are numerous. Was it:
> 1. her giving thanks by going gobble gobble?
> 2. her playing Santa with OM and letting him open her box?
> 3. Did she have to make a resolution not to cheat in the new year?
> ...



A few days before I discovered the PA, the WW asked me to buy a little reindeer lingerie set and was preparing a dance routine. She said she was preparing a surprise. Then a few days after I discovered PA, I heard her talking on phone to OM "I'm gonna play a reindeer for you this Christmas.. you need to feed me well!"

Man...

I hate this year's holiday season.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> You bet!!!
> I gravitate between hysterical laughter and wanting to set my car on fire to wanting to crawl in bed and cry until next year.


What happened to you?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Thanksgiving suc*s for me. In 2011 my wife (unknown to me) had already started a PA. That Thanksgiving I had to order food from Cracker Barrel because my wife would not make a meal. She was upset, did not give a darn, I remember my kids were like, what is wrong with mom, she always makes a big dinner. Last year, during false R, Thanksgiving was just blah, her heart was not in it.

We will see. My wife is trying to make amends and we bought all the food on Sunday and she has nice plans for me and the boys.

My attitude a few months ago was just screw it all. I am slowly coming around.


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