# Help with a selfish lover, please.



## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

We've been married 20+ years, both mid-40's with normal drives- 2~3x week. The problem: She craves and demands oral every. single. time. Whenever we get going, it's a race to get there. Foreplay consists of oral to climax for her, nothing for me. Typically when we start kissing she'll soon start pushing my head down. The real problem: Aside from the lack of mutual appreciation, she's mostly one-O-and-done. Her excitement and passion (one sided as it is) drops dramatically, once she gets hers. Making love, and it's only making love at that point, is lacklust at best.

Now we've talked about this over the past few years. We know each other pretty well and it wasn't like this the first half or more of our marriage. She'll admit it's kind of a rut, but believes my servicing her every time is some sort of privilege most men would dream about. So, what problem. Talking about reciprocating or more mutual foreplay hasn't gone anywhere. She needs it (oral), and since I'm a guy I have to love giving it. Oral for me (or on any guy) is just so much harder and unpleasant, it's like comparing apples to oranges. Really?

I know that I'm ranting but this is really hurting me, and I am sincerely looking for advice. A few months ago when I asked her what if I just stopped, her response was pretty much that she'd have to find someone else. When I turned that upside down, she suggested I get a sex toy.

I've lurked here long enough to know what cuckholding (sp?) is, and I assure you it's (or I'm) not. The MMSL is something I'm going to look into, but I have to question how effective any change on my part will be as long as: A) Oral is the only thing she wants, as fast as possible and B) Her attitude- entitlement to it, and a delusional view of sexuality.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

You have already partially hit the nail on its head.
She does have a delusional view of sexuality and a misplaced sense of entitlement.

But what you don't understand is that YOU are enabling it!
By her response to your frustrations she is saying that YOU SEXUAL GRATIFICATION DOES NOT COUNT , and that she could just as easily replace you.

She actually get her sexual high from dominating both inside the bedroom and I suppose outside.
What her actions mean is that you are not man enough to f...k her, you are her submissive.
My suspicion is that her behaviour in bed is a carry over from other non sexual roles in your marriage ?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> You have already partially hit the nail on its head.
> She does have a delusional view of sexuality and a misplaced sense of entitlement.
> But what you don't understand is that YOU are enabling it!
> By her response to your frustrations she is saying that YOU don't count .
> My suspicion is that her behaviour in bed is a carry over from other non sexual roles in your marriage.......


I agree....enabling tendencies are probably happening outside of the bedroom too. I bet if you start fixing that outside of the bedroom, things would improve inside the bedroom.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm open to the idea that enabling and 'submissiveness' is carrying over from outside the bedroom, but I struggle as to where. My wife and I do really treat each other as equals in every other aspect, and I've been the one to ultimately make nearly all the major decisions we've had throughout our marriage- Hiring contractos (home improvements), car purchases, nearly all financial & retirement planning decisions. And many of life's small decisions, like where to go to dinner- 75% of the time my wife is unable to answer that one!

One thing I've left out is that I have and do occasionally go on 'strike' from giving. That hasn't yet resulted in anything resembling foreplay, just cool resentment.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Just tell her that this one-sided pleasuring is no longer working for you, and refuse to do it. So what if she resents you not doing it? You resent her not reciprocating. No man or woman wants to feel that they're being 'allowed' the privilege of making love. Sex is something we _share_.

There are some excellent books out there (Sheet Music, His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages), and it might be an idea to read some of them together?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

You're getting it 2-3X's/wk and she enjoys it.... So her "O" is very important and yes she asks for oral..... You get off too.... Sorry not much empathy here..... 

Is it perfect? Of course not. You need to work for more of a compromise or balanced sex life. 

Is she selfish? Yep..... But heck you're having sex 2-3X's/wk......

But sorry many here would kill to be in your shoes......


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jamjon said:


> I'm open to the idea that enabling and 'submissiveness' is carrying over from outside the bedroom, but I struggle as to where. My wife and I do really treat each other as equals in every other aspect, and I've been the one to ultimately make nearly all the major decisions we've had throughout our marriage- Hiring contractos (home improvements), car purchases, nearly all financial & retirement planning decisions. And many of life's small decisions, like where to go to dinner- 75% of the time my wife is unable to answer that one!
> 
> One thing I've left out is that I have and do occasionally go on 'strike' from giving. That hasn't yet resulted in anything resembling foreplay, just cool resentment.




Ok then,
Maybe you should read the MMSL.......


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Ok then,
> Maybe you should read the MMSL.......


Will do.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't even like oral on me....but I'll suck a d_ck (H) anyday........


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I don't even like oral on me....but I'll suck a d_ck (H) anyday........


Sure, but you're a gem, after all.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

jamjon said:


> Will do.


Do so ASAP. Seriously, don't wait. Also read "No Mr. Nice Guy." You've allowed yourself to be put in a position where your wife treats you this way.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I don't even like oral on me....but I'll suck a d_ck (H) anyday........


Don't like oral? Sorry to hear that. Maybe you just haven't had the right guy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

DDC said:


> Don't like oral? Sorry to hear that. Maybe you just haven't had the right guy.


Oh don't be sorry - just not my thing. Hubs is cool about it. We are both LD but not selfish like OP's wife.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm admitedly a book hater and true to form I dont think this guy needs books. He needs backbone. OP...stop the lickity until she giveth the suckity. If she says she has to find someone else to do the job tell her you will too, plenty of women out there give head freely, openly and enthusiastically.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

One O and she's done. Yup, thats my wife. Doesn't want to continue as she says she's done. And of course we don't have sex any other time except the night time so "I'm tired and just want to go to sleep" is her usual response to an extended session. Which never happens. Oral is the same, I give but never receive. And 2 to 3 x a week is great compared to most of the posters on here.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> But heck you're having sex 2-3X's/wk......
> 
> But sorry many here would kill to be in your shoes......


I dont think so... To an extent having sex 2-3 times a week is good but having being the one who is always the giver of pleasure and never receives would cause resentment in anyone.

To the poster - are you dependent on her financially or in some other way (non sexual) which causes her to think that she is entitled whatever she wants.

Just tell her to F... Off and you can get a better partner. This seems pretty bad to me if she does not make effort for having a balanced sex life.


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

My wife works, but is dependent upon my income to support the household. And I really don't see much of an angle outside the bedroom that would cause a sense of entitlement. I think the bottom line for her is oral O's are the only sex she likes. I'm not an expert, but it seems almost like an addition, or dysfunction.

I think my next move is to have another discusion, being up front that I plan to back way off until balance is restored in our sex life. End of story. And realistically, as long as there is balance, I can live with giving most of the time (hey, I do like it).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> You're getting it 2-3X's/wk and she enjoys it.... So her "O" is very important and yes she asks for oral..... You get off too.... Sorry not much empathy here.....
> 
> Is it perfect? Of course not. You need to work for more of a compromise or balanced sex life.
> 
> ...


REALLY?

who care what many do and don't get ........ 

man up and tell her you would rather beat it than make love to someone who it selfish in the bedroom.






so I guess if someone came on hear and said my husband is verbally abusive you would say well count your lucky stars he isn't physically abusive because many women are with men who beat them!


responces like this just seem silly!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jamjon said:


> My wife works, but is dependent upon my income to support the household. And I really don't see much of an angle outside the bedroom that would cause a sense of entitlement. I think the bottom line for her is oral O's are the only sex she likes. I'm not an expert, but it seems almost like an addition, or dysfunction.
> 
> I think my next move is to have another discusion, being up front that I plan to back way off until balance is restored in our sex life. End of story. And realistically, as long as there is balance, I can live with giving most of the time (hey, I do like it).


IMO, this is the best way forward. It sounds like it's high time for your W to learn new ways of reaching an O - ways that are satisfying to _both _of you, not just her.

I would almost liken this to weaning a child off mushy food and on to solids


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> ....I would almost liken this to weaning a child off mushy food and on to solids


Ha! As a parent, I see your point!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jamjon said:


> We've been married 20+ years, both mid-40's with normal drives- 2~3x week. The problem: She craves and demands oral every. single. time. Whenever we get going, it's a race to get there. Foreplay consists of oral to climax for her, nothing for me. Typically when we start kissing she'll soon start pushing my head down. The real problem: Aside from the lack of mutual appreciation, she's mostly one-O-and-done. Her excitement and passion (one sided as it is) drops dramatically, once she gets hers. Making love, and it's only making love at that point, is lacklust at best.
> 
> Now we've talked about this over the past few years. We know each other pretty well and it wasn't like this the first half or more of our marriage. She'll admit it's kind of a rut, but believes my servicing her every time is some sort of privilege most men would dream about. So, what problem. Talking about reciprocating or more mutual foreplay hasn't gone anywhere. She needs it (oral), and since I'm a guy I have to love giving it. Oral for me (or on any guy) is just so much harder and unpleasant, it's like comparing apples to oranges. Really?
> 
> ...


This speaks to me very closely.

When I was married to my now ex-wife, EVERY time we would have sex, it was all about her and yes, she would receive oral everytime.

A typical sex session lasted about 25-45 minutes, and the first 23-43 were all about her. I'd have to get her in the mood (rubbing her back, shoulders, etc.) and relaz her, before we could even start anything. Then it was pretty much straight to the oral sex for her, and that would last until she orgasmed (took 5-25 minutes typicaly, the odd time longer than that). Once she orgasmed, it was time for me to hop on top and do my thing. Problem was, we had sex only once in a while (every few weeks or so, sometimes less than that) so I was already pretty excited and then, when you add in I've been revving to go for about 30 minutes in bed already, I'd blow pretty quickly. 

So basically I'd get about 2 minutes of sexual gratification for myself once or twice a month. And yes, I recieved no oral sex either. In the ten years we were together, I received one BJ to completion, and two other times she ventured down that way. Only one of those times was in the last 8 years of our relationship, and that was on my birthday, when she was drunk.

She'd get plenty more. She said that she felt I should go down on her because I get orgasms everytime we had sex, so why shouldn't she.

I agreed with her line of thinking for a long time, but now I don't. She was just selfish and it was all about her. She'd get sex whenever she wanted it (which wasn't often) however she wanted it, and she wouldn't do ANY work. There was no 69ing, no effort, no touching of me, nothing. She'd literally lay there and let me do everything, and when it was time for actual vaginal sex, she'd just lay on her back, close her eyes, and wait for me to get done. She wouldn't even bend her knees or wrap her legs around me. She'd lay as flat as she could and spread her legs and that's it. 

Then, when we were done, she'd immediately get out of bed, clean up and not come back to the bedroom.

You ain't alone in this man, and trust me, you deserve better and likely can get it no problems. I eventually did and while my current sex life is less than ideal as well, it's light years ahead of what it was with my ex-wife.

Granted, I did let it happen, but that said, I didn't deserve it, and neither do you. Sex should be about the two of you enjoying yourself and enjoying your love, not about getting your rocks off or playing mind games or keeping score.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

hmm a selfish lover it seems, if i write what i want to i might get banned, so i'll brush on it, so would involve tying up, her of course and doing what ever cums to mind, of course you need to convince her it will be a good idea, just lie  

OP you really need to become more aggressive in the bedroom or you will be doomed with never ever getting what you want, surprise her


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## Shake-N-Bake (Jul 10, 2012)

OP, have you tried a vibrator, like an egg? The reason that I say that is because when a woman can only attain a clitoral orgasm, sometimes sex becomes completely indesirable. I would go to the local sex shop and buy a little vibe, or a vibrating **** ring (unless she already has one). Next time things get hot start with a little vibration, then add in some man parts. She may end up liking that even more than just the oral. Just a suggestion.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

jamjon said:


> I know that I'm ranting but this is really hurting me, and I am sincerely looking for advice. A few months ago when I asked her what if I just stopped,* her response was pretty much that she'd have to find someone else.* When I turned that upside down, she suggested I get a sex toy.


Wow what an extreme response :scratchhead:. 

I think this is beyond a sex issue and more of a value/appreciation problem. The fact she thinks someone doing oral on her is a "privilege" certainly indicates she has narcissistic traits.


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