# Please help before it's too late!!!



## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

My wife of 10 years wants to divorce me, we are already separated since October 1st. she has had one tubal pregnancy in high school and another with me after a year of marriage.She has tried IVF 2 times and have both failed. We have a huge communication problems and they end up in fights because she is very personal private and has a wallet at all times because of her past family upbringing. I tried to get counseling but she doesn't want to she has so much built-up in her head that she's confused I think. Every time I ask her about our future or what is next on what to expect she gets angry and says I'm crazy and I stress her out. She has started talking to someone total opposite of me that has two children and is divorced, I don't know if he is a escape or he is her next plan to move on from our 10 year marriage but she always says she's not dating anyone she goes on dates she is single because we are separated and she can do as she wants. I love my wife I want my marriage to work every time I go over there and feels horrible the hug I got from her today felt fake what can I do to save my marriage without pushing her away?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> . . .she is very personal private and* has a wallet at all times* because of her past family upbringing. I tried to get counseling but she doesn't want to she has so much built-up in her head that she's confused I think.


Does this mean "a wall up"?

Do you think she is unhappy because she can't have children?


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

Yes a wall up * 
She uses excuses like our marriage isn't healthy and we fight for other reasons for the separation and possible divorce


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm sure you do want your marriage to work... the challenge is finding the balance of sanity (being mindful of what is happening around us and it's effect) from wanting something that the other is not interested in and recognizing when it's time to start loving yourself again.

Sometimes, one simply needs to quit asking in the same way and realize that doing is going to bring you a more grounded peace. There is nothing to be gained by giving away control to her for how you feel. Walls are common, even if you didn't help put them up only she can take them down.

You are separated, and she can do whatever she wants... she could do whatever she wanted while you were married as well, this changes nothing in what we can and cannot control.

Be aware of the hug for what it was... I've experienced those kind of hugs too, they are painful. Muster the courage and thank her for the good times, and cherish them as you think about where your next path will take you. All you can do is ask for counseling, if she is no longer willing to try and sharing in a safe place is not possible, then there is nothing to be gained by forcing such expectations.

Give yourself some room to breathe... and her too. Perhaps she will sort out what she needs, perhaps not. 

In the end, love yourself enough and put some room between that which is hurting you, the space will bring you peace to build the clarity you need and foster the acceptance to come if she doesn't rejoin you in your future.

It's hard to find this peace... you may have to find it within yourself first before you can offer it to her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well if you moved out that was a huge mistake. You can't work on anything if you're out of the home. This was probably to spend more time with the other man.

If you're crying, begging pleading stop!!!! It makes you look weak and will push her further away

Check your phone bill and get back in your home. She's probably been in an affair all along. Your phone records will tell when it started.

Know what you're really dealing with.

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=znnBnbgm2ZbBMHrwjHTnlEpKGgI-


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

I just can't move back in I really don't know exactly what to do but I don't think that's the answer won't it cause more of a fight?




Marc878 said:


> Well if you moved out that was a huge mistake. You can't work on anything if you're out of the home. This was probably to spend more time with the other man.
> 
> If you're crying, begging pleading stop!!!! It makes you weak.
> 
> ...


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

How do I look weak to her by asking questions about my future?



Marc878 said:


> Well if you moved out that was a huge mistake. You can't work on anything if you're out of the home. This was probably to spend more time with the other man.
> 
> If you're crying, begging pleading stop!!!! It makes you look weak and will push her further away
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

davidsfresh said:


> I just can't move back in I really don't know exactly what to do but I don't think that's the answer won't it cause more of a fight?


Is it your home too? If it is you have every right to be there. Let her Move out. All you've done is make it easier for her and her other man.

You don't have much details but cheating is usually always the same. They connect with someone and then find an excuse to push you out.

You need to stop making excuses for her and do what you want/need. Let her move out.

Being weak And afraid at this time will put you in worse shape. If you can't stand up for yourself file


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

davidsfresh said:


> I just can't move back in I really don't know exactly what to do but I don't think that's the answer won't it cause more of a fight?


Why can't you move back in?

My guess is you're afraid of her so you're doing whatever she asks, and you know what? That's just about the opposite of what you should be doing for so many reasons. One is that you come across as weak which is unattractive and two is because if this whole thing completely implodes you might be shooting yourself in the foot when it comes to obtaining a reasonable settlement in the ultimate divorce.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ironically, pushing her away is probably your only chance of getting her back.

Read up on and implement the 180.

Keep this in mind, though --

Whether or not the 180 yields the results that you're (currently) hoping to see, you need to do it.

And make no mistake... she IS seeing someone else. Hell, maybe more than one someone.

If that doesn't matter to you then that's fine, but go into this knowing that it's the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> How do I look weak to her by asking questions about my future?


Because by asking it means you aren't leading or guiding the future or even invested in its direction, you're expecting her to do all those things. That's pretty frightening for a woman that's been through what she has with you, not to mention a massive turn-off. 

It's like she's been riding on your ship for years only to discover not only do you not have hands on the steering wheel, you're acting like you thought SHE did. Meanwhile, you're heading straight for an iceberg. 

She's likely in the process of or thinking of abandoning ship.

You're here, not her, so I suggest you get a hold of that wheel and stop asking cloying questions. Figure out what YOU want for your future and make it happen. Gain some direction. 

She's not behaving well, but that's beyond your ability to control. Get control of what you can.


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

Clarify exactly what you mean by grabbing the wheel I have so much built-up I am confused on what my focus is right now is it me focusing on myself or is it on me trying to get my marriage back I'm very confused I was going to do the 180 and stay away and make her want me while I focus on myself. 



Satya said:


> davidsfresh said:
> 
> 
> > How do I look weak to her by asking questions about my future?
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> Clarify exactly what you mean by grabbing the wheel I have so much built-up I am confused on what my focus is right now is it me focusing on myself or is it on me trying to get my marriage back I'm very confused *I was going to do the 180 and stay away and make her want me while I focus on myself.*


That is NOT the 180.

The 180 is not about "making" her do anything.

It is purely about your detachment and self improvement. You can't detach when you're expecting your actions to influence her behavior.

You want your marriage back? First of all, understand that you may never get it back. With that in mind, you should always be of a mind to work on yourself. You should also do the 50% of things you SHOULD do in your marriage. It's called doing your part. It doesn't require much interaction with her, just get your stuff done. 

You cant hope to fix a two person problem when YOU yourself are unfocused and in disrepair and meanwhile she is disheartened and emotionally distant from you. Fix and improve the part you can, your part.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

davidsfresh said:


> Clarify exactly what you mean by grabbing the wheel I have so much built-up I am confused on what my focus is right now is it me focusing on myself or is it on me trying to get my marriage back I'm very confused I was going to do the 180 and stay away and make her want me while I focus on myself.


If you stay away and remain detached she might discover she misses you but unless real changes are made any signs of her coming around because she's suddenly scared to lose you are temporary and will not last.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you were actively working on fixing the marriage, then her dating would be unacceptable. However, it sounds like she is done and working on a divorce, so BOTH of you can do what you want in that regard. I would suggest that you let her go. She knows where you stand on things and is making no attempt to reconcile, so you need to move forward, hard as that may be. You only hurt yourself when you keep fighting it like this. You can only fix you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

davidsfresh said:


> I just can't move back in


Why not?


> I really don't know exactly what to do but I don't think that's the answer won't it cause more of a fight?


Are you a man or a mouse? You're afraid of fighting for your marriage because it will cause a fight?

She's having an affair. Of COURSE you're causing all the problems. That's what cheaters do: rewrite history to make their partner the bad guy so they can look at themselves in the mirror.

YOUR job is to shrug and say 'if you want to run to another man, I can't stop you, but I won't leave my own home. Let me know when you're ready to move out.'

And you HAVE told her parents and siblings and best friend that she's cheating, right? Right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

davidsfresh said:


> How do I look weak to her by asking questions about my future?


By asking questions about your future.

A STRONG man does not beg, bargain, or cry. And he sure as hell doesn't move out of his own home just because she (the cheater, natch) says so.

Move back in. Today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

davidsfresh said:


> I was going to do the 180 and stay away *and make her want me* while I focus on myself.


That is NOT a 180. That is a Nice Guy (not a good thing) trying to TRICK her into choosing you. The 180 is you saying 'I won't beg you to stay especially when you're in the middle of an affair. You want out? I can't stop you. This is my house and I'm staying.' AND then you go about your day, whether she's there or not, and let her SEE you staying there whether she's there or not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, if you want to try to save the marriage (low odds on that), you first have to expose the affair. If she gets mad, that's good; it means she's still invested. If she doesn't care, she's gone.


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