# stuck in another sexless marriage ;a long one



## lonely2009 (Feb 5, 2009)

I am really sad at times , it hurts to feel unwanted,
well let me start from the beginning of our relationship, we met online I was stuck in a sexless marriage at the time ( he was cheating on me, so I filled for divorce, and met this wonderful man online, he flew clear across the world to meet me & spent a whole month with me, everything was wonderfully perfect!, he knew I had a high sex drive and we made love often the first month, which was great, we got along better then I have ever gotten along with anyone, it seemed I had finally found my soul mate, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, he had to go back home for about 3 weeks his mother was very ill and in the hospital, and shortly after he returned home she passed away which was very hard on him.
I wanted him to come home to me I was willing to buy his plane ticket right away, and he said no he needed to stay there for her funeral and get everything in order over there so he could move in with me, 
well he ended up to my surprise staying with a lady friend of his for over a month , she seemed to provide all the support he needed at the time which made me very jealous , all the intimate conversations we had had before suddenly stopped, he was very cold and distant with me the whole time he stayed with her, so I came very close to calling off the wedding and just saying fine marry her!.
but he kept reassuring me she was nothing more then a friend so I chose to trust him.
well he finally came home , and we seemed to rekindle our love , everything was great, so we continued with plans for getting married, only one problem though was he suddenly did not want sex at all. which really was a problem for me , I dont know if its this girl he was staying with causing him to not want me, or his mother passing or what, but every time I wanted sex he turned me down. we ended up figuring out a happy medium I told him I could live with having it once a week, we ended up getting married on halloween , and ofcourse after we married the sex was happening even less, now here we are only 4 months into marriage and in a sexless marriage, 

this is soooo not what I wanted, and he knows this because before we married I told him about my previous marriage being sexless and how I could not stand it, he told me when we met that sex would never be a issue, well that turned out to be untrue, and suddenly everytime I bring up wanting sex, he makes me feel like I am the one with the problem like a sex addict or something, which I am far from, I just have a healthy sex drive. and he seems to have no sex drive,

so now I got to where I am trying my hardest not to ever want sex and I never ask for it anymore, which is torture because I actually really love this man and want to have sex with him, 
and it hurts me when he tells me to buy sex toys rather then asking him for sex, I dont understand whats wrong with me, I am a pretty girl, I take great care of myself inside & out, I am nice, when we do have sex I am all about pleasing him. 
I just dont know what to do anymore, when I am sexually starving & trying to keep quiet about it I am unhappy as hell, 
yet that seems to be the only way to be because he gets angry if I bring up that No sex is a problem for me.

oh and to make matters worse this man wants me to bear his child, and I try to tell him you know having sex once a month is not going to get me pregnant anytime soon. so I have also giving up on trying to conceive with him. 

the thing is I love him, he is a good man, everything is great other then the sex, so I cant even stand the thought of divorcing him. so I just dont know what to do anymore about the sex issue. any advice welcome. thanks for listening.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lonely2009-

While it is fairly easy to tempt women back into sex (with the right handling), I have only heard of one man who changed, and that was due to an ultimatum from the wife. Even if you did that, he would probably revert back.

There is a way to tell if he has no intention of working on it. Tell him you either want to start having sex 3 times a week now, or for him to start therapy now. If he says no to both *now*, then I'm sorry, but it's unlikely to fix itself. 

If it were me, I would vote with my feet. It's no use saying things would be perfect "if only". You have to deal with things as they are in reality.

If you have no kids yet, what do you have invested? Please don't have a kid with him unless you want a sexless future.

The other thing I have noticed with women in this situation is that their self esteem plummets to the point where they think they could not possibly be attractive enough to attract another mate. Of course this is nonsense


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Everytime I return to this website I find MT tirelessly giving great advice to couples in need. Keep up the great work MT!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think it's great that MT can give you feedback regarding the sex piece, because frankly I see too many additional red flags in your post to possibly comment on the sex. 
Elements of your post remind of a girl I knew that used sex to validate her self-worth. She would relentlessly pursue her boyfriends in terms of attention and sex. She too, was remarkably beautiful - but her intense neediness, and lack of self-esteem tanked every relationship she was in. 
I'm not stating that you have low self-esteem, but I would recommend taking a step back and evaluate what is driving some of your choices. I have no sense that you and this man that is now your husband have a solid foundation for your marriage.


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