# I feel so rotten



## RandomDude

EDIT: New thread -> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-.../130650-rds-official-journal.html#post4882618

I took my date out today, it was great, rather romantic until we kissed mid-date. I played along and tried to keep it on a positive note, she was very happy but...

I feel like sh-t. I don't know why, shouldn't I be happy? Why do I feel so disgusted? She's a great looking girl, fun to hang out with, took pictures of us... bleh I hate it when girls do that =/
But I just feel like throwing up for reasons I simply can't understand, I lost all interest in her already.

Is this some sort of post-divorce/seperation stress disorder that I'm not aware of that has triggered this sudden feeling of disgust over kissing someone else either than STBX? Bleh, and come to think of it the thought of STBX disgusts me now too. Hell WTF is wrong with me?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your not ready to date yet. Take some time off and enjoy life.


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## RandomDude

Looks like I'll be friendzoning her after all... or should I play along and hope it gets better? She's not doing me any favors now though by putting our photos on her FB and she thinks we're "official"

If I FZ her now it would bite... *sigh* I like her, just... meh


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## survivorwife

RandomDude said:


> Looks like I'll be friendzoning her after all... or should I play along and hope it gets better? She's not doing me any favors now though by putting our photos on her FB and she thinks we're "official"
> 
> If I FZ her now it would bite... *sigh* I like her, just... meh


Seems to me that she is pushing things a little too quickly. Putting your pictures on fb? WTF?

I can see why you would want to create some distance, aka "friend zone". You may just have to back off from her for a bit until she cools down if you intend to continue to see her. If you see her and/or contact her too often, she will assume you are a couple, and after ending a marriage, there are many of us who aren't ready to commit to anyone so soon.

She sounds a bit scary, and yes, if a man was doing this to me (proclaiming we are "official", putting my image on fb without my consent, etc) I would be very concerned and feel the need to back away. If he then realized he was pushing and started to respect my need to move slower, then the relationship could continue. If not, he would be history. I would imagine that scenario works in reverse for your situation. Kind of seems a bit "stalkerish" for the newly divorced.


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## RandomDude

Aye she's freaking me out really =/

Alright, think we "need to talk"
I wonder if it had been my fault... gave wrong signals or some ****... bleh... but fk if I know


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## badcompany

I don't think I'd dump her if you find her personality and appearance attractive, but have a talk and tell her you need to slow things down with the crap you've been thru.


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## EnjoliWoman

That's weird. Any person who has dated for any amount of time knows you never assume you're a couple or exclusive until you've verbally had that talk and agree. I assume any guy I date is also dating other people unless it is explicitly stated. She's jumping the gun.

And yeah, I agree. You want female companionship - a girl to do stuff with and as a healthy male, sex would be good but that does not mean you want a relationship.


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## RandomDude

I had a recent chat with a friend who comes from the same culture as her and he claims it's normal for girls like her to put up photos on FB and such and that if she thinks we're already a couple then I must have gave her the wrong impression. 

Well ok, she's very young... maybe too young, STBX is almost 10 years older than her (she's early 20s, I'm late 20s). She broke up with her bf earlier this year bc they "fought all the time", a reason I repeated when she asked about STBX. 

She did ask me if I was dating someone else though, I told her no, she said that's good. I asked her if it would bother her if I did and she admitted that she would. I didn't make any promises however so I don't know how she is getting the wrong signal. 

She did admit that she was worried that I was a player and thought that the reason I didn't call her was because I was seeing someone else. I affirmed her that I'm not sort of person, maybe that's how I gave the wrong signal?

Or it could be just the kiss. I don't know
Bleh, shame really, cause I took her to the beach so I could perv a little and she does have a very nice figure. Meh, I'm playing along with her texts in the meantime feeling sick.


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## Lon

Hey RD, haven't been on here much, nor have I read your posts lately, didn't even know you had separated. Sorry to hear that, but I know when you make that decision is it for the best. As to this new girl, have you told her that you just want to date and are not wanting a relationship? It is clear that she wants an exclusive relationship and you do not.


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## RandomDude

Long time no see!

As for my date, I guess I wasn't really straight forward enough as I assumed she would possess some common sense but I guess not. I'll spell it out for her tomorrow.


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## Lon

I think that is why you are feeling disingenous, you know that she is trying to secure a ltr partner and that being honest with her will very likely end the chance at the kind of relationship you want to have with her.

I find that most women I run into are not looking for an acquaintance and partner to have fun with and do certain activities with, they all seem hardwired to be looking for a long term commitment straight out of the gate. Some ladies on TAM are wiser and more mature about this, maybe it comes with age or experience, or maybe just in the real world it's about playing games. I just know that when you are honest about what you want, even if you don't find it you wont have that rotten guilty feeling.


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## thunderstruck

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your not ready to date yet. Take some time off and enjoy life.


Agree. Stop dating for a month or two. Concentrate on your hobbies/interests, and hang out with guy friends.


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## EnjoliWoman

Well, I'm looking for a LTR but I know there are bound to be a lot of short ones on the way. I'm just taking my time to get to know people until the right one comes along. 

I'm not looking for a fling or a ONS but I'm also not ready to make room in my closet for anyone. 

Aren't most of us assuming we are on the path to a LTR with the key word being "eventually"?


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## lisab0105

Early 20's? Yeah, you are on a totally different level than her. She is going to want things you can't even contemplate giving her. 

I don't know why guys over 28 even bother with younger girls. I know the young @ss is fun to play with, but they are nothing but trouble for the guy just getting over a divorce.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I feel so rotten*



EnjoliWoman said:


> Well, I'm looking for a LTR but I know there are bound to be a lot of short ones on the way. I'm just taking my time to get to know people until the right one comes along.
> 
> I'm not looking for a fling or a ONS but I'm also not ready to make room in my closet for anyone.
> 
> Aren't most of us assuming we are on the path to a LTR with the key word being "eventually"?


"Eventually" is a word for the future. If someone says they are seeking a ltr that means its what they want now, and if I'm not prepared to commit to that it would be disingenuous for me to continue the relationship when all I want is someone I like to spend some time with and share activities with.

Words are powerful Enjoli, and when you state an ultimate goal at the outset of a relationship, even if you know there is a chance the relationship won't match that goal, then you have set up a situation that will result in disappointment, because you are attaching conditions onto your expectations prematurely.


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## RandomDude

Lon said:


> I think that is why you are feeling disingenous, you know that she is trying to secure a ltr partner and that being honest with her will very likely end the chance at the kind of relationship you want to have with her.
> 
> I find that most women I run into are not looking for an acquaintance and partner to have fun with and do certain activities with, they all seem hardwired to be looking for a long term commitment straight out of the gate. Some ladies on TAM are wiser and more mature about this, maybe it comes with age or experience, or maybe just in the real world it's about playing games. I just know that when you are honest about what you want, even if you don't find it you wont have that rotten guilty feeling.


The thing is, I do like her, and I have been honest with her, just not as brutally however I guess. Probably because of T n A + swimwear today.



thunderstruck said:


> Agree. Stop dating for a month or two. Concentrate on your hobbies/interests, and hang out with guy friends.


It's been... EIGHT months!!!!! More than enough time with my hand!



EnjoliWoman said:


> Well, I'm looking for a LTR but I know there are bound to be a lot of short ones on the way. I'm just taking my time to get to know people until the right one comes along.
> 
> I'm not looking for a fling or a ONS but I'm also not ready to make room in my closet for anyone.
> 
> Aren't most of us assuming we are on the path to a LTR with the key word being "eventually"?


I don't even know what I'm looking for really, I'm just taking things as I go and trying to enjoy life and then this young lady joined the ride... bad move I guess, poor thing...

<--- heartbreaker 



lisab0105 said:


> Early 20's? Yeah, you are on a totally different level than her. She is going to want things you can't even contemplate giving her.
> 
> I don't know why guys over 28 even bother with younger girls. I know the young @ss is fun to play with, but they are nothing but trouble for the guy just getting over a divorce.


Well, I wasn't exactly looking really, she just kinda fell in.


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## RandomDude

Alright guys, I let her know where she stood, she was abit disappointed but what can I do hey? Still, we're taking it slow, as 'friends'. I think I successfully made her FZ ME! Bah!

Oh well


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I feel so rotten*



RandomDude said:


> Alright guys, I let her know where she stood, she was abit disappointed but what can I do hey? Still, we're taking it slow, as 'friends'. I think I successfully made her FZ ME! Bah!
> 
> Oh well


If you were honest then you did the right thing. Nothing wrong with having friends, even good looking ones.


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## Jellybeans

RandomDude said:


> I took my date out today, it was great, rather romantic until we kissed mid-date. I played along and tried to keep it on a positive note, she was very happy but...
> 
> I feel like sh-t. I don't know why, shouldn't I be happy? Why do I feel so disgusted? She's a great looking girl, fun to hang out with,


Because you're not ready to date yet.

Which we told you in your last thread. You are not over your marriage/wife yet.


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## ladylaker

You need to tell her that you're not wanting any type of committed relationship, heck you're not even fully divorced yet. 

I'm sick and tired of all the men looking for some perfect figure Barbie out there. Really?? I cannot get over how shallow most men truly are. You know, maybe you just weren't "into her". Somehow her personality was lacking. Yeah Yeah, she had a great body, but have you looked around at people after they get married. The human shape changes...........drastically in many cases! But the personality lives on. 

I have single friends that tell me how HOT their dates were, but how annoying they were. In the end, all they wanted to do was get in their pants. 

Help me out here. I'm watching and listening to both sides, looking for perfection (which does not exist) Well, maybe it did before the Apple was bitten into. And no body gives a Rats A*s about personality. WTF is up with that? Is everyone that ignorant, stupid or just as shallow as what I'm being led to believe.

I'm disgusted with the dating websites.


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## Jellybeans

People do care about personality, Ladylaker. It goes much farther and counts for much more in a relationship than looks or wealth status or anything that can disappear in a day. Because at the end of the day, that is what we are left: someone's character, compatibility, how they relate to things/us/life, etc. But even with that said, people want to feel some sort of attraction to their partner/who they date. 

I think Random prob thought something was wrong with him that this chick was hot and that normally he thinks he'd be into her if the circumstances were different but the thing is, he's not over his wife at all yet, or his divorce. So he is trying to force himself through the motions/dating instead of just grieving properly. So let's not be too hard on him. He is at the worst stage in the separation/divorce. I know for me I felt like a mess when I went through it. 

And never ever did I think the day would come where I would actually defend RandomDude. Omg. Someone call up 911. Something may be wrong with me.


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## RandomDude

Already done, alright, back to celibacy

Was fun, that's another failed attempt at moving on
She's actually a decent girl ladylaker, I'm didn't do what I did bc of anything she did, and I don't see how I was being shallow :scratchhead: , and we didn't meet through dating websites, we met at the laundry lol

Well, at least I can do my laundry in peace without the staring now, and I still get to fun-flirt. So all good



> And never ever did I think the day would come where I would actually defend RandomDude. Omg. Someone call up 911. Something may be wrong with me.


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## Jellybeans

RandomDude said:


> Was fun, that's another failed attempt at moving on


It's going to take time, RD. It will not happen over night.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I feel so rotten*



RandomDude said:


> Was fun, that's another failed attempt at moving on


I missed the part that includes failure. How exactly has this experience been a failure at all? It is just called living. We try things, learn things and decide what we feel about those things. You did move on, a smidge.


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## RandomDude

Two steps forward, one step back right?

Oh well, guess that's two romantic encounters post-seperation this year with some decent ladies, at least I know I still got game! Ha! ... still no sex though, meh :slap:

Bah... better I throw up over a kiss than throw up during sex eh?
Funny, I wonder if I'm turning gay


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## Lon

There is no backward only forward. Healing isn't some goal that comes about by knocking off a series of achievements, it's just a matter of coming to accept that every day brings what it may, and it is totally up to you how you want to approach it. You can't control what each day brings but you can steer yourself through it however you like, you can collide, dodge, pay attention, stare off into space. Practice steering and check out the things you want, either way you will be further tomorrow.


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## RandomDude

Thanks mate, I'll be fine

Though I'm starting to doubt I can ever really move on


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## Freak On a Leash

You can't use another person or relationship to help you "move on". It has to come within yourself, in it's own time. There's no set timeline when it comes to getting over your marriage and moving on emotionally. It happens when it happens and can't be forced. You'll know it when it happens. 

It's different for every person. There's no right or wrong way or time. It is what it is. 

I always say to listen to your gut, that inner voice that tells you something. You kissed this girl and it wasn't working for you. But you kept telling yourself that she was a "nice girl" and you liked her and after 8 months "it's time to move on". But your gut/inner voice told you differently. That's how it goes. 

Give yourself some time and don't expect it's going to happen overnight. And try and communicate more effectively with whomever you do date. I've had a few situations where someone has wanted more from me and have quickly friend zoned them. I don't want any misunderstandings or problems.

Now I'm at the point where I won't even date anyone from my social circle. In fact, I don't want to date at all because I like my life just as it is now.


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## whitehawk

Very very simple Dude , just too soon for you buddy. No rocket science needed my friend.
Stay out of it for longer yet , don't force it.

l feel like that too and l will NEVER , understand how people get involved straight into something else even before their fkg marriage is over , blow up their family and jut sale of with the newy.

Although , now l'll sound like a hypocrite but about two mths out l did accidentally meet someone and it just wound up into something very very strong within days. lt only lasted 7 or 8 wks though , bit of trouble but point is , even with her , l had a lot of trouble on anything close , physical. We did a little but l was just feeling sick and confused once that started. Understandably , 18yrs and my family had just been destroyed.
But since her , 8 mths ago now , l still can't really fathom the concept of someone new yet.
l really miss company , fun , companionship and often wish l had some but just not close and as crazy as it sounds , no sexual stuff , it's just too soon for me. l'm still sooo fkd up.


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## whitehawk

As a matter a fact , l still can not even imagine starting new again , it makes me feel sick.


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## ArmyofJuan

RandomDude said:


> Two steps forward, one step back right?
> 
> Oh well, guess that's two romantic encounters post-seperation this year with some decent ladies, at least I know I still got game! Ha! ... still no sex though, meh :slap:
> 
> Bah... better I throw up over a kiss than throw up during sex eh?
> Funny, I wonder if I'm turning gay


Don't worry about it , may go through 6+ more before you find someone you connect with. This is normal.

Don't make it a big deal, just relax and have fun and forget expectations. I look at it like going out and trying new things (or some old) and having a new girl tag along knowing if I never see them again there's a hundred others waiting in line to be next. Take the pressure off of yourself and things will just fall into place.


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## RandomDude

Moving on seems to be seemingly impossible, I guess if I wait it out longer maybe things will change, but this is all driving me nuts in the meantime. Starting anew... meh

I hate to admit it, and you guys may hate me for it, but I'm thinking of reconciliation. I don't really see any other option for me, unless I am to suffer in this limbo.


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## whitehawk

How long ago did you sep and then divorce ?
Anyway , many times and even right now , 12 mths out l feel like R is all l'd like to do too !
l spose that and everything else just confirms my love was real and it was deep , we just got messed up.


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## somethingnewmaybe

Ah man I did the same thing. Met a girl on a trip who is 10 years younger. Fun, smart but looking for a relationship. I took her on a trip to hang out with some of my family (yeah, I know....) but I had the talk long before that I was in no way ready for any type of relationship. Of course my cousin's wife, who wears her heart on her sleeve, comes up and goes "ohhh you've got a girlfriend" and my cousin goes "we like her so much better"..... Come on guys, this is NOT MY GF.

Anyway, I've created some distance since getting home and I think she gets it.


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## badcompany

RandomDude said:


> Moving on seems to be seemingly impossible, I guess if I wait it out longer maybe things will change, but this is all driving me nuts in the meantime. Starting anew... meh
> 
> I hate to admit it, and you guys may hate me for it, but I'm thinking of reconciliation. I don't really see any other option for me, unless I am to suffer in this limbo.


I think this is a bad idea(R). In my case, I'm pretty sure I can look forward to a bunch of positives in a new woman that were never there in my Ex, confirming the decision I made to move on.


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## COGypsy

RandomDude said:


> Moving on seems to be seemingly impossible, I guess if I wait it out longer maybe things will change, but this is all driving me nuts in the meantime. Starting anew... meh
> 
> I hate to admit it, and you guys may hate me for it, but I'm thinking of reconciliation. I don't really see any other option for me, unless I am to suffer in this limbo.


I can see it now. "Babe, I'm lonely, horny and scared--let's get back together." 

:crazy:

I'm sure she'll be just beside herself to get a deal like that.


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## RandomDude

whitehawk said:


> How long ago did you sep and then divorce ?
> Anyway , many times and even right now , 12 mths out l feel like R is all l'd like to do too !
> l spose that and everything else just confirms my love was real and it was deep , we just got messed up.


We've seperated on V-day after a fight, and its been 8 months, so we can legally file on V-day next year (law in the country). Heh come to think about it, classic timing! lol



somethingnewmaybe said:


> Ah man I did the same thing. Met a girl on a trip who is 10 years younger. Fun, smart but looking for a relationship. I took her on a trip to hang out with some of my family (yeah, I know....) but I had the talk long before that I was in no way ready for any type of relationship. Of course my cousin's wife, who wears her heart on her sleeve, comes up and goes "ohhh you've got a girlfriend" and my cousin goes "we like her so much better"..... Come on guys, this is NOT MY GF.
> 
> Anyway, I've created some distance since getting home and I think she gets it.


That must be awkward! =/



badcompany said:


> I think this is a bad idea(R). In my case, I'm pretty sure I can look forward to a bunch of positives in a new woman that were never there in my Ex, confirming the decision I made to move on.


Well, my STBX is a hard woman to walk away from due to her good sides, and she earned my trust over so many years in certain things, even if she has broken my trust in others.



COGypsy said:


> I can see it now. "Babe, I'm lonely, horny and scared--let's get back together."
> 
> :crazy:
> 
> I'm sure she'll be just beside herself to get a deal like that.


Ha! Nah I wouldn't approach it like that

The thing is, she did want to reconcile earlier but I shot her down. Now she's moving on, but I dunno. The risk is if we reconcile, have sex again, move in... and then suddenly I realise too late that she still hasn't changed...

*sigh*

I don't know what to do right now really


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## whitehawk

For me R is for the right reasons because we shouldn't have split.
In our good times which was most of it before some trouble we were the best couple out there and very unique , different. We just lost the plot for awhile with stresses and life bs, went of the rails, 18 yrs it's gonna happen.
Neither of us will ever find that again even x admits it. We were meant to grow old together . So anything else just seems plain stupid .


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## RandomDude

Well, STBX and I went off the plot even before marriage, and then we struggled to get on track in the panic of baby bells, and now... we're here =/

We did fix along of prior issues along the way however, except the biggest one. Sad really... meh, anyways, time for a laugh, can't stand being depressed all day.

A friend just sent me this:
Angry sheep rams into unsuspecting fisherman - YouTube


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## RandomDude

Anyways guys, I think I'm on the wrong forum now 

I was so sure in moving on, but after that last date... *sigh* I'm not so sure anymore. I hate to be this indecisive but I dunno


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I feel so rotten*



RandomDude said:


> Anyways guys, I think I'm on the wrong forum now
> 
> I was so sure in moving on, but after that last date... *sigh* I'm not so sure anymore. I hate to be this indecisive but I dunno


What exactly are you indecisive about? What are the choices that lay before you?


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## RandomDude

Well, now not so indecisive thanks to today's lunch with STBX, she's moving on, so there's one closed door. The path is more straight forward now.

I was conflicted since STBX raised the 'white flag' recently so to speak, but now not so much. Looks like I'm back to right where I started, celibacy! Yay!

You know what's missing in all of this? I'm trying to hook up straight. Next date, I'm going back on the alcohol (not too much, dont worry) and see if it helps.


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## Conrad

RandomDude said:


> Well, now not so indecisive thanks to today's lunch with STBX, she's moving on, so there's one closed door. The path is more straight forward now.
> 
> I was conflicted since STBX raised the 'white flag' recently so to speak, but now not so much. Looks like I'm back to right where I started, celibacy! Yay!
> 
> You know what's missing in all of this? I'm trying to hook up straight. Next date, I'm going back on the alcohol (not too much, dont worry) and see if it helps.


Looking for the quick fix.

Never one for the hard work.


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## RandomDude

What hard work? Sitting around reflecting on things that no longer even matter - such as STBX?

I've been straight for over a year now anyways, if it helps hasten the healing period I'm all for it. Waste of time feeling sorry for myself.


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## Conrad

RandomDude said:


> What hard work? Sitting around reflecting on things that no longer even matter - such as STBX?


Being straight with yourself is often the hardest work of all.


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## Jellybeans

Random, it is a long process for some. You may fall into that category. It isn't like waving a magic wand and you are just OVER a divorce/significant relationship. It hurts, it takes time to grieve, you have to fully process the loss. A beer there, a date there is not going to fix it. Time is the answer.


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## Jellybeans

Though this might help 

5 Words Of Advice On Getting Your Heart Broken | Thought Catalog


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## RandomDude

>.< I'm impatient!


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## Conrad

RandomDude said:


> >.< I'm impatient!


Ask yourself why.


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## RandomDude

Cause I'm horny as fk!


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## whitehawk

RandomDude said:


> Cause I'm horny as fk!



:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
And a damn good reason it is too :smthumbup:


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## RandomDude

I reckon this year, with all of this crap, think I've earned my new theme song:

Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart ft. Ludacris - YouTube

Poor girl, oh well
Her fault for bloody fking staring!


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