# Desperately want to be out



## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

I’ve been married over 35 years to a man that I don’t love or respect. I saw his true colors shortly after marriage and the birth of our first child. I thought over the years I would be much happier without him, but didn’t have the financial means to move and take the children with me to a home worth living in. So I stuck it out all this time. He has always been self absorbed and cared more about himself than his wife and kids. A very quiet person until his temper got out. I begged him over the years to pay more attention to the kids, but he was always distant. I wrote him several letters he didn’t want to read. We went to many marriage counselors that felt we shouldn’t be together. Over the years my resentment of his behavior has brought me to this point of wanting to commit to leaving him. Our children are grown. I am in my mid 60s and the thought of starting over is frightening. The thought of staying in a loveless and Godless marriage is worse. I do not love him and have never felt the kind of love I’ve craved. I don’t respect him. His maturity is that of a 14 year old. He’s depended on me to do everything. We have not been intimate in over 10 years as the thought makes me nauseous. I’ve always wanted a husband who acted like an adult and would protect me and the kids. An example of his behavior is one day a neighbor was standing in our yard using extreme foul language. Of course I’ve heard it all before, but it is not how I converse with a neighbor. My husband was standing there and then suddenly turned around and walked off with his head down and his hands in his pockets. I confronted him later about why he didn’t stand up for me and tell the neighbor to cool it with the language. He replied that he thought I would follow him in the house!! He hates confrontation and always cares more about what other people think of him than his family. When I was having a miscarriage at 13 weeks and bleeding heavily and cramping, he was flipping through the channels on the TV and asked if I wanted a Tylenol while holding the remote with a death grip. So many more bad memories. And now the kids are gone. We lost our oldest son this year unexpectedly and all the memories of him not connecting with our son came flooding back. I don’t think there’s time for me to find a good man at my age. I want someone who loves to work with their hands instead of me being the fixer and the man. I want a raised bed garden, but it will be up to me to form the plans, do the math, and build it. I love doing it, but I really wish I had a man that would love to do those things for me. I want out of this toxic relationship so bad, but am scared at my age. I’m in great health and don’t look my age I’m told, so a part of me thinks I may have a chance to find love. I want a Christian man who is a spiritual leader. I’ve stayed in this marriage because I thought God expected me to. Now I realize that God could not have been happy with this marriage because my children aren’t spiritual and they are all unhappy. I did the best I could with being both mom and dad. Do I stand a chance at finding happiness and love, even though I don’t know what love is and have never received it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No one can answer that question but you sure won’t find it where you’re at.


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## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

I thank you for your honesty.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Most everything we do is a risk/benefit calculation. 
And it’s a calculation that you need to make, risks of starting over, risks of staying in your miserable situation, potential benefits/opportunities of starting over, benefits of staying in a miserable but known/predictable situation.

For me, I’d tend to prefer the scary, unknown opportunity over a known state of unhappiness. If you take that path, have a plan. Actually, have a plan either way.


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## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

Yes, I am actively looking for a place to live. I realize the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over, but hoping for a different outcome. We just bought a house, which didn’t bring any happiness. It would be better for him to leave, but he won’t. I manage the repairs and upkeep of this house. He doesn’t have a clue how to keep it up. So to avoid an argument it’s easier for me to leave. Just trying to find a place for me and my dog that I can afford. Haven’t thought much beyond that. I’m home based full time employed, so location is open.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Everyone deserves to try to find the happiness in life that suits them..The unfortunate reality is that at your age, a lot of the "good" guys in your age group are tired, jaded, disillusioned, etc. and are either staying in their lousy marriages and just ignoring their wives, or just put on an act and realize its just too much effort to start over at this stage......For a lot at that age, the sex drive is fading fast(if not gone altogether) so the desire to blow up their lives to start chasing older women that no longer fit their physical ideal anymore just doesn't seem all that appealing...

If you find available guys at your age that still have some sex drive and have anything going for them, they are not looking for women your age...They are looking for younger women...And not really having much trouble finding them, btw...

One thing I have noticed is that as we age, guys seem more content to accept that they may have chosen the wrong partner(like you did), and like said, just bury themselves in hobbies and such...Their relationship sucks, but they don't care and have no desire to do anything about it..They ignore their wives and live their own lives..Perhaps because in general men die earlier, they don't see a lot of life ahead, so maybe that's the reason? I don't know for sure..

Sorry if I have painted a rather bleak picture, but this is the reality I see on a daily basis, as i am a bit younger than you, but have a wide circle of family and colleagues at your stage...This doesn't mean you should just accept what I say, go and do whatever makes you happy, just sharing my experiences...

Even if you wind up alone, you can get away from him and find some happiness with your dog and activities....Who knows? You may just find what you are looking for..its just not going be easy at this point and you may wind up kissing a lot of frogs...


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## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

Yes, this is truth that can’t be disputed. It’s just depressing to think I’ll leave this life whenever God calls me home not knowing what love is. Hindsight is always 20/20. I can’t go back and make better decisions. I’ve been faithful to my marriage, but to end up 40 years later just as miserable as ever. Truth be told, I stayed in for my children. They would have adjusted if I had a plan and the fortitude to leave. I know that now. Oh well. We live with the choices we make at the end of the day.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Full of regrets said:


> Yes, this is truth that can’t be disputed. It’s just depressing to think I’ll leave this life whenever God calls me home not knowing what love is. Hindsight is always 20/20. I can’t go back and make better decisions. I’ve been faithful to my marriage, but to end up 40 years later just as miserable as ever. Truth be told, I stayed in for my children. They would have adjusted if I had a plan and the fortitude to leave. I know that now. Oh well. We live with the choices we make at the end of the day.


Hey... living alone with my 2 dogs has been a MUCH more calm, contented & peaceful life than being stuck in a miserable marriage. If love finds me then wonderful. If not, I’m still better off 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you move out you have to accept that you may never meet another man. Not sure about there but here in the UK available decent older Christian guys are rare and if they do become available they are snapped up fast. 
If you are happy to move out and realise you may be alone for the rest of your life then go for it. If you are moving out so that you can meet someone else then you may be disappointed. 

When my first marriage ended I was in my 40's. I met and married my now husband 6 years later when I was 50 so it can happen. My aunt married the love of her life age 60. 

I don't entirely agree with the poster who said that men usually want to go after younger women. Some try but most women aren't that interested in guys 10-20 years older than them unless they are rich or famous!
The Christian guys I got to know were quite happy dating ladies of around their own age and even older. 
A lady I used to know met and married a trainee pastor who was 7 years younger than her. They met on OLD as I did. She was in her late 40's.

So there is hope but don't assume you will meet anyone else. If you do then great. I hope you have a good supportive church and people who give you good advise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Meant to ask, does he know you are going to move out? Is your home in joint names?


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## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Hey... living alone with my 2 dogs has been a MUCH more calm, contented & peaceful life than being stuck in a miserable marriage. If love finds me then wonderful. If not, I’m still better off
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah, that’s my thinking too. It’s taking that leap of faith and realizing that while it may be easier to stay, it will be more of the same.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Staying is usually easier than leaving but not necessarily a good solution. I was also in my 60’s when I divorced. Could I have stayed until one of us died? Certainly. But I had had enough at that point and I took a huge leap of faith that I would be fine. And I am.


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## Full of regrets (May 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Staying is usually easier than leaving but not necessarily a good solution. I was also in my 60’s when I divorced. Could I have stayed until one of us died? Certainly. But I had had enough at that point and I took a huge leap of faith that I would be fine. And I am.


Any words of wisdom on starting over?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Full of regrets said:


> Any words of wisdom on starting over?


Believe that you will have a good life. It will be very different from the old one and it may take some time to adjust to it but you can do it. I did.


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## Buttugly (Apr 1, 2016)

Full of regrets said:


> I’ve been married over 35 years to a man that I don’t love or respect. I saw his true colors shortly after marriage and the birth of our first child. I thought over the years I would be much happier without him, but didn’t have the financial means to move and take the children with me to a home worth living in. So I stuck it out all this time. He has always been self absorbed and cared more about himself than his wife and kids. A very quiet person until his temper got out. I begged him over the years to pay more attention to the kids, but he was always distant. I wrote him several letters he didn’t want to read. We went to many marriage counselors that felt we shouldn’t be together. Over the years my resentment of his behavior has brought me to this point of wanting to commit to leaving him. Our children are grown. I am in my mid 60s and the thought of starting over is frightening. The thought of staying in a loveless and Godless marriage is worse. I do not love him and have never felt the kind of love I’ve craved. I don’t respect him. His maturity is that of a 14 year old. He’s depended on me to do everything. We have not been intimate in over 10 years as the thought makes me nauseous. I’ve always wanted a husband who acted like an adult and would protect me and the kids. An example of his behavior is one day a neighbor was standing in our yard using extreme foul language. Of course I’ve heard it all before, but it is not how I converse with a neighbor. My husband was standing there and then suddenly turned around and walked off with his head down and his hands in his pockets. I confronted him later about why he didn’t stand up for me and tell the neighbor to cool it with the language. He replied that he thought I would follow him in the house!! He hates confrontation and always cares more about what other people think of him than his family. When I was having a miscarriage at 13 weeks and bleeding heavily and cramping, he was flipping through the channels on the TV and asked if I wanted a Tylenol while holding the remote with a death grip. So many more bad memories. And now the kids are gone. We lost our oldest son this year unexpectedly and all the memories of him not connecting with our son came flooding back. I don’t think there’s time for me to find a good man at my age. I want someone who loves to work with their hands instead of me being the fixer and the man. I want a raised bed garden, but it will be up to me to form the plans, do the math, and build it. I love doing it, but I really wish I had a man that would love to do those things for me. I want out of this toxic relationship so bad, but am scared at my age. I’m in great health and don’t look my age I’m told, so a part of me thinks I may have a chance to find love. I want a Christian man who is a spiritual leader. I’ve stayed in this marriage because I thought God expected me to. Now I realize that God could not have been happy with this marriage because my children aren’t spiritual and they are all unhappy. I did the best I could with being both mom and dad. Do I stand a chance at finding happiness and love, even though I don’t know what love is and have never received it?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Buttugly said:


> Your husband sounds like mine , I'm 54 ...956 days until I separate and then divorce . I'm willing to take the chance , I want to live alone ... If I have to do all the chores then I may as well live alone and save myself the extra effort I put in doing his share of the grunt work that he should be doing . I'm tired of my husband smelling up the house too ! I got better things to do .


I'm curious, how is it that you have a countdown of almost 3 years? Waiting for kids to be out of the house?


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

Do not leave in order to find a new man. Leave and find the kind of love you are searching for with yourself. Do things that you haven't but always wanted to before you leave this earth. There are travel groups for solo travelers, there are gardening clubs you could join to meet people who are also interested in gardening,etc. Fall in love with the new you and the new experiences you have. If you want then to find love again, try online dating. You can choose an age range and I believe there are many sites for Christians. Look for a like-minded person and try a few dates. You might realize that you are happier on your own doing what you want, when you want to do it. Or you might find a wonderful man by kissing a few frogs. Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself and stay in something that you will regret when laying on your deathbed. Life is not to be wasted being unhappy!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Full of regrets said:


> Any words of wisdom on starting over?


Yes, just do it ASAP!
Life is way too short! 

I am your age and on my own - it’s great! But realistically, instead of depending on any man to provide you with the things you listed - you CAN get those from yourself!

A man is a bonus - especially when you can accomplish things yourself. I am handy like you. I plant a garden and fix things that need tending to. I also have plenty of time for work and hobbies and social time.

Life is so much better without my exH (long term marriage too) dragging me down.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Full of regrets, what have you decided?


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## Buttugly (Apr 1, 2016)

Full of regrets said:


> I’ve been married over 35 years to a man that I don’t love or respect. I saw his true colors shortly after marriage and the birth of our first child. I thought over the years I would be much happier without him, but didn’t have the financial means to move and take the children with me to a home worth living in. So I stuck it out all this time. He has always been self absorbed and cared more about himself than his wife and kids. A very quiet person until his temper got out. I begged him over the years to pay more attention to the kids, but he was always distant. I wrote him several letters he didn’t want to read. We went to many marriage counselors that felt we shouldn’t be together. Over the years my resentment of his behavior has brought me to this point of wanting to commit to leaving him. Our children are grown. I am in my mid 60s and the thought of starting over is frightening. The thought of staying in a loveless and Godless marriage is worse. I do not love him and have never felt the kind of love I’ve craved. I don’t respect him. His maturity is that of a 14 year old. He’s depended on me to do everything. We have not been intimate in over 10 years as the thought makes me nauseous. I’ve always wanted a husband who acted like an adult and would protect me and the kids. An example of his behavior is one day a neighbor was standing in our yard using extreme foul language. Of course I’ve heard it all before, but it is not how I converse with a neighbor. My husband was standing there and then suddenly turned around and walked off with his head down and his hands in his pockets. I confronted him later about why he didn’t stand up for me and tell the neighbor to cool it with the language. He replied that he thought I would follow him in the house!! He hates confrontation and always cares more about what other people think of him than his family. When I was having a miscarriage at 13 weeks and bleeding heavily and cramping, he was flipping through the channels on the TV and asked if I wanted a Tylenol while holding the remote with a death grip. So many more bad memories. And now the kids are gone. We lost our oldest son this year unexpectedly and all the memories of him not connecting with our son came flooding back. I don’t think there’s time for me to find a good man at my age. I want someone who loves to work with their hands instead of me being the fixer and the man. I want a raised bed garden, but it will be up to me to form the plans, do the math, and build it. I love doing it, but I really wish I had a man that would love to do those things for me. I want out of this toxic relationship so bad, but am scared at my age. I’m in great health and don’t look my age I’m told, so a part of me thinks I may have a chance to find love. I want a Christian man who is a spiritual leader. I’ve stayed in this marriage because I thought God expected me to. Now I realize that God could not have been happy with this marriage because my children aren’t spiritual and they are all unhappy. I did the best I could with being both mom and dad. Do I stand a chance at finding happiness and love, even though I don’t know what love is and have never received it?


I know its been nearly a year since you wrote this but I want you to know I understand I'm married to a man very similar to yours , I'm 54 yrs old and have decided to take a chance on myself and separate from him in 2 yrs I'm scared but I'm saving money and working hard towards that goal if I could go back in time I would have never gotten married to him , I feel as though I wasted all my good years on someone who was simply not worth it ...I'm sorry about your life with him ...I understand your feelings , all of it . I hope your life improves .


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It seems like your husband is failing to be the strong, leader, masculine man you need him to be. Perhaps sit him down and give him an ultimatum.


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## DreamGuyxo (9 mo ago)

One way in finding the love that makes you happy, is to trust your instinct,
It shows to me that you are very willing in giving who you love your other half and thats great you deserve exactly what you are looking for

If understanding your husband (my advice) isn't good enough, then going out to a local place where meeting people consist would be your best match in finding somebody. Taking it slow or taking it fast, trusting your emotions and getting to know somebody is the main key here,

Your instincts and emotions for who you love will come to you, just keep going at it

Wish you best regards


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