# Still Struggling – Any chance she might come back?



## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Hi There, sorry for posting here, I know this is a website primarily for marriage and divorce of which I am neither but am going through a breakup with a woman who has been married so was looking for some support and advice on the situation.

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely… I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, 2-3 times a week and every other weekend... we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink two month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry”.

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since – 60 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?' and I didn't reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a few months and it sucks a bit I suppose.

I feel better than I did in the immediate couple of weeks after but am still struggling, I think about her all the time and wonder each day if today might be the day she gets back in touch but I think she has probably moved on now that it has been a couple of months, she is probably seeing someone else too.

Thank you in advance for any support and compassion.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Please share with us your reasoning why would you pine over someone who really doesn't want to be with you?


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Please share with us your reasoning why would you pine over someone who really doesn't want to be with you?


I guess because I am still in love with her. It's the hardest breakup I've ever gone through despite it not being that long a relationship.

I guess what got me so attached was how she lovebombed me - she showered me with so much love, attention and affection that I couldn't help but fall for her thinking I was her 'one'. Until this I wasn't aware of rebounds which I guess I was to her following the breakdown of her marriage. 

Even in the last month before ending it she would say things like she has never felt cared for in the way that I did, that she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also a best friend and that I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever had.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry that you find yourself here. 

There's unfortunately no timetable for when you will reach the point of indifference. Don't contact her because that starts the clock all over again and you don't want that. 

Just take it a day at a time. You'll get there.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

First question is why do you want her back? She's not into you and is just using you to pass time while she was looking for other options. I've gone out with women like that, but I usually recognize it for what it is and just figure that their only value in that sort of relationship is as a periodic lay until something better comes along. I think your problem is she rejected you and you aren't comfortable dealing with it. The best thing to do is what you did in the beginning and that is block her from all social media, then delete her phone number, and wipe her out of your life completely. 

Now for question number two. Do you really want her back? If so the only way to get her back is go completely cold turkey and maintain no contact. Then if she contacts you to get together you only do it on your terms. You don't treat her like anything special until she has EARNED her way back into your life. That means you don't spend a dime on her or put any effort into dating her. She can come over for sex, but only on your schedule. If she likes you enough she'll come over and try to make up for her bad behavior, but if she doesn't then you have additional confirmation of where you stand with her. 

Third question is how is your self esteem? Are you dating anyone else? Why not? Usually, if you have options you won't waste much energy thinking about the duds. 

BTW, the odds of her coming back are low. Usually, it's within the first 30 days that a woman will change her mind and come back. But that's not a hard and fast rule and anything can happen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you realize she’s just not into you and has looked for other guys ever since she stopped messaging you constantly, and that chasing her as you did, cemented your doom— right?

You have zero chance with this woman and shouldn’t want one. She likes dating. She likes new men.

But I’ll say this—- it sounds like she was straightforward and honest with you the whole time. 

Don’t fret over her. Just go find another one you like more. And don’t get wrapped up in the next one so easily.


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> First question is why do you want her back? She's not into you and is just using you to pass time while she was looking for other options. I've gone out with women like that, but I usually recognize it for what it is and just figure that their only value in that sort of relationship is as a periodic lay until something better comes along. I think your problem is she rejected you and you aren't comfortable dealing with it. The best thing to do is what you did in the beginning and that is block her from all social media, then delete her phone number, and wipe her out of your life completely.
> 
> Now for question number two. Do you really want her back? If so the only way to get her back is go completely cold turkey and maintain no contact. Then if she contacts you to get together you only do it on your terms. You don't treat her like anything special until she has EARNED her way back into your life. That means you don't spend a dime on her or put any effort into dating her. She can come over for sex, but only on your schedule. If she likes you enough she'll come over and try to make up for her bad behavior, but if she doesn't then you have additional confirmation of where you stand with her.
> 
> ...


I know I shouldn't want her back given the way she treated me, I know she ended up losing all respect for me hence the texting other guys in my presence which also showed no regard for my feelings or dignity but I guess I never felt a connection with someone like that before - she said she felt it too but perhaps that was the rebound phase talking.

I have gone completely cold turkey - removed/blocked on social media and I deleted her number, although can't bring myself to block her from whatsapp or calling me as I just don't want to close the door completely.

My self-esteem has never been great which is probably another reason why this woman came to mean so much to me. I am working on it, actually had my first therapy session this week which I think will help long term and also help me get over her. I am on dating apps and have been on a few dates the last few weeks but not had much success in getting past the first date which is usually the story of my life.

I figured 2 months was a long time and her not reaching out in that time speaks volumes really. I suspect the reason she ended it with me was because it got to the point whereby she wanted to explore it further with one of the guys she was texting. I guess she would have been busy with her kids in August due to the summer/school holidays but I also know her ex-husband and kids were away for 2 weeks in that period so it is likely she developed a new relationship in that period. Of course I am just guessing this but she strikes me as the type of woman who is never not without a man in her life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you chase they just move farter away.

Needy/clingy is unnattractive and puts you worse shape.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When women go hot and cold on you it usually means the relationship isn't going to go anywhere. So know that for next time and just treat those women as sex play toys. The moment they treat you disrespectfully is the moment you walk away because they aren't worth any more than that. 

I know you are struggling with going cold turkey but it the BEST thing for you to do. Finish blocking her from WhatsApp and your phone. Make sure that relationship door is closed because you shut it, not because she did. Take control back of your life. She has too much power. 

I can tell your self esteem is low which is why you are having problems with other women and why you put so much emotional energy into this one. Usually self esteem is bad because you aren't happy with the direction of your life. You can go to counseling, but the easiest way to get happy is decide what it is you want to do (i.e. find your purpose in life) and then go do it. Men really need a purpose and are happiest once they pursue it successfully. Once you start feeling that happiness and success with your new path it will spread to other areas of your life.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Play the song "F--- it" by Eamon every time you start thinking about her. It's great breakup music.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> When women go hot and cold on you it usually means the relationship isn't going to go anywhere. So know that for next time and just treat those women as sex play toys. The moment they treat you disrespectfully is the moment you walk away because they aren't worth any more than that.
> 
> I know you are struggling with going cold turkey but it the BEST thing for you to do. Finish blocking her from WhatsApp and your phone. Make sure that relationship door is closed because you shut it, not because she did. Take control back of your life. She has too much power.
> 
> I can tell your self esteem is low which is why you are having problems with other women and why you put so much emotional energy into this one. Usually self esteem is bad because you aren't happy with the direction of your life. You can go to counseling, but the easiest way to get happy is decide what it is you want to do (i.e. find your purpose in life) and then go do it. Men really need a purpose and are happiest once they pursue it successfully. Once you start feeling that happiness and success with your new path it will spread to other areas of your life.


Ok, just hitting the like button wasn’t good enough.
Wisdom in this post. Read it until you get it OP.

Try not to put yourself in another situation where you’re expecting too much from a woman.
Once they sense you’re their’s, some tend to lose interest. Once they sense you need them—- they’re history.
Give yourself some options


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm going to give you my perspective as a woman. You invested far more, emotionally-speaking, in this relationship than she did. She wanted a hot, steamy, jungle sex fling. She's done. She's moved on. She's not coming back.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to work on your self-esteem big time. Women like confident, self-assured men. Pining away for someone who will never return is a waste of your time and energy. Make yourself a priority for now, lay off dating, and work on gaining confidence.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Stay No Contact. You're doing well with that. The reason she is reaching out to you is that if she can "be friends" with you, then what she was doing by dating others while you thought you were serious must be OK because you are friends with her. If you were masochistic enough to be friends with her again it would only last long enough to relieve her guilt. I'd put good odds on her dating others the whole time, even before your 3-week break.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

richdeniro said:


> I was seeing her quite intensely… I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.


OK here is the blunt truth of the matter - you are basically an affair partner (AP) and you were basically a stunt (o(k for her. 

Have you actually seen her divorce decree and know for certain that she really is actually divorced??????? If you have not personally seen her official divorce decree, then you are just going by what she says and she sounds kind of like a whackjob. 

If you haven't seen her final divorce papers and you have not knocked on her door and had her husband answer and then him go get her to tell her that her date is at the door, then you are going just off her word that she is even divorced in the first place. 

But anyhoo, let's assume she is officially divorced as you say. You are still basically an AP in her mind. 

You were a fun romp in the hay and you were good for boosting her ego and showing her that she can still get a dude's d!(k hard. 

And like most divorced people she is back on the market and enjoying her freedom and enjoying having a variety of guys hitting on her and pumping up her ego and having some fun. 

You have invested wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy more emotional time and energy into this than she has.

You fell hard and are feeling this is some kind of great relationship and soulmates and are thinking about what neighborhood you two will be buying a house in and are envisioning what it will be like being a stepdad and picturing her taking your sister along helping her pick out a wedding dress etc etc

Meanwhile she is thinking, "hey, this guy asked me out for seafood and I haven't had real crab legs in a long time!" 

At it's core, this is a self esteem issue. you are seeing this as a special snowflake and your one chance at love. That is why you are investing so much into this even though she has told you to your face a number of times that you two are not a match.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> I guess because I am still in love with her. It's the hardest breakup I've ever gone through despite it not being that long a relationship.
> 
> I guess what got me so attached was how she lovebombed me - she showered me with so much love, attention and affection that I couldn't help but fall for her thinking I was her 'one'. Until this I wasn't aware of rebounds which I guess I was to her following the breakdown of her marriage.
> 
> Even in the last month before ending it she would say things like she has never felt cared for in the way that I did, that she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also a best friend and that I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever had.


Are you sure it's not because you have gotten in your mind (as lots of people do) that this women is your only path to happiness? It's normal to do this, your brain is set up to do this to help you bond basically to protect her and the possibility of a child you may have. This is not true however, and if she doesn't want to be with you then it could never be and you wouldn't be happy. Again that doesn't mean there isn't someone else just who you can't feel just as passionate about. 

Give your brain sometime to heal and recover from this. But when your mind and emotions tell you this was your only chance you need to consciously tell yourself that is not true. Give yourself permission to have the courage to hope.

It also should be said that if you are willing to push for so little maybe you need to see why that is. You will not have a good relationship if you don't expect more from your partner. She doesn't want you, a healthy person at least somewhat says "well the hell with you then" even if they miss them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I don't believe that she was ever exclusive with you at all, as she was likely sleeping with others tha same time that she was doing so with you! You had more emotionally involved in her than she ever did with you!

Move on and just chalk it all up to experience!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

richdeniro said:


> Hi There, sorry for posting here, I know this is a website primarily for marriage and divorce of which I am neither but am going through a breakup with a woman who has been married so was looking for some support and advice on the situation.
> 
> Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely… I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are here, but I am pleased you found us. If you see what I mean! 

This kind of flighty behaviour. Is that why she got divorced? IS she really divorced?

Might she come back? Perhaps. But I have been in your situation and you would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Sorry you are here, but I am pleased you found us. If you see what I mean!
> 
> This kind of flighty behaviour. Is that why she got divorced? IS she really divorced?
> 
> Might she come back? Perhaps. But I have been in your situation and you would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.


She is definitely divorced or at least almost divorced. The house is still on the market but the London property market has basically crashed so it won't sell probably at least until after Brexit is sorted or they slash the price.

The reasons she gave me for ending the marriage was because she felt unloved, it became sexless and sometimes she just wanted a cuddle but he would never give her one. They did counselling but she decided to end it around 10 months before she met me. It sounds to me like he basically fell out of love with her.

I did often wonder why he didn't fight for her or the marriage though and now I'm thinking clearer perhaps can see why as she is extremely flirtatious and perhaps she was also involved in emotional affairs whilst they were together which he grew tired of.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

richdeniro said:


> She is definitely divorced or at least almost divorced. The house is still on the market but the London property market has basically crashed so it won't sell probably at least until after Brexit is sorted or they slash the price.
> 
> The reasons she gave me for ending the marriage was because she felt unloved, it became sexless and sometimes she just wanted a cuddle but he would never give her one. They did counselling but she decided to end it around 10 months before she met me. It sounds to me like he basically fell out of love with her.
> 
> I did often wonder why he didn't fight for her or the marriage though and now I'm thinking clearer perhaps can see why as she is extremely flirtatious and perhaps she was also involved in emotional affairs whilst they were together which he grew tired of.


I think you are probably right, Rich. He might have caught her cheating, physically or emotionally. And she was probably always texting someone when they were together.

If she showed such scant regard to her husband and the father of her children, then you really had no chance of her treating you decently, did you?

She forced herself into your life, by bombarding you with love, then she bailed out on you.

Years ago there was a name for women like that! They were called Vamps.

I had one, until she vanished from my life, years ago, this was. 

Of course, back in the day there was only the old fashioned phone and Royal Mail to keep in touch with people, no social media. Which meant a clean break was easier to put into effect.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you realize she’s just not into you and has looked for other guys ever since she stopped messaging you constantly, and that chasing her as you did, cemented your doom— right?
> 
> You have zero chance with this woman and shouldn’t want one. She likes dating. She likes new men.
> 
> ...


*This is the truth.*
*She has been totally honest.*

She is still living with her ex. She is obviously in no hurry.

Oh, she is in a hurry to sample as many men as possible before she settles. 
Not that there is anything wrong with this..provided she is honest about this. And she has been.

She does not want to settle. 
She wants to float.

Float from man to man, from relationship to relationship.
Hearing many complimentary things from many men.

Having many men pursue her.

Having many lips kiss her.
Having many hands caress her in all the intimate spots.....and ways.

She is just opening her wings, just coming back to life.
Just re-opening her legs. 

Her divorce is just beginning.

Hell, she has not 'really' freed herself from her husband. 
Hell, they are now 'only' separated. 
Hell, for all you know he wants to "R". And she is playing him. Or vice-versa.
Hell, they must have some sort of amicable relationship for 'him' her STBX to put up with this. That should worry you.
Hell, they could be having an 'open' marriage. She may be lying. Who knows?

She likely felt imprisoned, restricted...choked off from life.And now she is free. 
She is just getting her running legs in shape.

She is not going to stop romancing for awhile, maybe a long while. 
Admit it, it feels good to be pursued.

She likes the chase. Once the 'likes' get boring, then the chase will come to an end.
Her satisfactorily 'coming' with these men will be the determining factor.

If you can stomach it, wait this one out. Do not cut her off.
Keep in loose touch with her.

She might, may come back if you were the best of the litter. The litter she tosses out. Ouch!
Sorry.

And, after she goes through, how many?
She will still be good, she will.

She will have settled...
Settled down.

But, will she be good enough for you at that future point in time?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Buddy you met the female version of a player. She would probably find it impossible to stay loyal to one man and more than likely has two or three men on the go st the same time. 
By the way “Nearly divorced” is like being a little bit pregnant.
It’s meaningless.


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> *This is the truth.*
> *She has been totally honest.*
> 
> She is still living with her ex. She is obviously in no hurry.
> ...


I'm not going to wait for her. I deserve better than that and I am not going to be someones backup option.

I know it sounds big headed but she won't find better than me considering her age and baggage (not intending to be mean there). I may have low self esteem but I at least feel some self worth. 

I know she is obviously looking for lots of attention and wanting to feel attractive at the moment – maybe she is very insecure and just a complete mess following the divorce? Mid-life crisis even? She doesn’t even seem to mind at the moment who is giving the attention. One of the guys I know she was chatting to, I accidentally saw his name on her whatsapp and couldn’t help but look at his twitter and facebook….. he is the exact opposite to me, massive burly guy, tattoos all over (no issue with that but found it strange as his physical appearance is completely opposite to me), he's an ex-football hooligan with criminal records as long as your arm, 4 kids by 4 different women and his twitter was full of racism and bigotry. Obviously I didn’t tell her any of this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For the record.....

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior.

Provided she is being honest about the separation and the divorce papers being filed.
Provided she remains honest about her intentions and her situation.
Provided she 'has' been honest about 'everything'.

It would certainly be better if she were already divorced and living apart from her EXH. 
Much better.

Every man she 'now' dates is asked to carry her baggage, from the get-go.

She made a mistake with OP. She strung him along.....too long. 
She played too nice. 
She played with him, he went along with it. He fell for her. It happens.
She did not cut him off soon enough. Everyone makes mistakes. 
She is just beginning her new dating adventures.

Even the texting she did in front of him. He did not get the hint.

[THRD]


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> For the record.....
> 
> There is absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior.
> 
> ...


She wasn't honest though. When we got back together in June after the three week break I made it perfectly clear I could only be with her if it was exclusive and that included emotionally. She knew what she was doing was wrong with texting other men as she felt she had to hide it from me. When I called her out on it she even showed me her imessage list and said no other guys message me, when I knew full well the messaging was being done in Whatsapp.

I should have walked away then thinking back.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> I'm not going to wait for her. I deserve better than that and I am not going to be someones backup option.
> 
> I know it sounds big headed but she won't find better than me considering her age and baggage (not intending to be mean there). I may have low self esteem but I at least feel some self worth.
> 
> I know she is obviously looking for lots of attention and wanting to feel attractive at the moment – maybe she is very insecure and just a complete mess following the divorce? Mid-life crisis even? She doesn’t even seem to mind at the moment who is giving the attention. One of the guys I know she was chatting to, I accidentally saw his name on her whatsapp and couldn’t help but look at his twitter and facebook….. he is the exact opposite to me, massive burly guy, tattoos all over (no issue with that but found it strange as his physical appearance is completely opposite to me), he's an ex-football hooligan with criminal records as long as your arm, 4 kids by 4 different women and his twitter was full of racism and bigotry. Obviously I didn’t tell her any of this.


And there you have it.

She is only looking for sex at the moment. And lots of it.

Rather than getting disgusted at her, get focused. 
She would have been a poor choice in a mate. 
The best indicator of a future mate is looking at past partners, past behaviors.

Maybe that is why she is getting divorced. She is a loose goose.

Maybe, she cheated on her STBX?
Or both cheated. Too much baggage.



[THRD]


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> And there you have it.
> 
> She is only looking for sex at the moment. And lots of it.
> 
> ...


Well I did ask her if she was monogamous in her marriage and she said she was (although I only have her word), she told me she was tempted many times especially as in her previous career she worked in media sales so she was always tempted especially having to be out basically partying all the time at client events. She also told me she slept with basically the entire football team when at university and it sounds like before she got married she was pretty promiscuous - stories about sleeping with former bosses and that type of thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> Well I did ask her if she was monogamous in her marriage and she said she was (although I only have her word), she told me she was tempted many times especially as in her previous career she worked in media sales so she was always tempted especially having to be out basically partying all the time at client events. She also told me she slept with basically the entire football team when at university and it sounds like before she got married she was pretty promiscuous - stories about sleeping with former bosses and that type of thing.


You should have revealed this information at the front end.

Not at and from the now stinking rear end. :|:|:grin2:

Well, she got one more notch on her bedpost. You got a big knot on your punkin' head.


Just Sayin'



King Brian-


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> She is definitely divorced or at least almost divorced.


That's like being *almost* pregnant.

Either she's divorced, or she's NOT divorced.

Apparently, she's *NOT* divorced since you're now back-peddling from what you originally posted. And that means, you never saw divorce papers which ALSO means, you have no idea what her real status is. But I can tell you that if she put even *1/10th* of the time she spends chasing men, having sex with the latest conquest, and chatting with future 'prospects' on WhatsApp into actually *mothering* her kids, she might actually have some redeemable qualities. But I think that ship sailed a long time ago.

Stop pining over this soul-sucking she-devil.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> Well I did ask her if she was monogamous in her marriage and she said she was (although I only have her word), she told me she was tempted many times especially as in her previous career she worked in media sales so she was always tempted especially having to be out basically partying all the time at client events. She also told me she slept with basically the entire football team when at university and it sounds like before she got married she was pretty promiscuous - stories about sleeping with former bosses and that type of thing.


 Jesus. I hope you wore a WHOLE BODY BAG when you were with this one. With all her WhatsApp-ing, God only KNOWS how many beds she's crawled out of in the last few years.

A condom simply isn't enough with this one - it would be like spitting into the ocean.

Put STD testing on your list of things to do, thanks to this soul-sucking she-devil.


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus. I hope you wore a WHOLE BODY BAG when you were with this one. With all her WhatsApp-ing, God only KNOWS how many beds she's crawled out of in the last few years.
> 
> A condom simply isn't enough with this one - it would be like spitting into the ocean.
> 
> Put STD testing on your list of things to do, thanks to this soul-sucking she-devil.


Already done and fortunately came back negative. We wore condoms the first few times but she then told me she doesn't like them and because I thought we were exclusive I agreed. I still care about her and dread to think what she might catch now especially as having been with me her confidence is kind of rebuilt so is getting with other men plus she probably thinks that because it was ok going months with me without wearing anything she'll likely be fine.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus. I hope you wore a WHOLE BODY BAG when you were with this one. With all her WhatsApp-ing, God only KNOWS how many beds she's crawled out of in the last few years.
> 
> A condom simply isn't enough with this one - it would be like spitting into the ocean.
> 
> Put STD testing on your list of things to do, thanks to this soul-sucking she-devil.


Oh my....

You did it. 
You woke up SSGI.

Stand back, her whip is a thing to behold.

Not good when its hooks gain grip in your flesh.

Oh, my!



Lilith- I hope she never comes after me. I too, was a bad lady, not so long ago. I have been hurt enough. SunCMars died trying to save me from my debauchery. I will forever bleed tears.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How long has she been married?


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Spicy said:


> How long has she been married?


10 years.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

@;


richdeniro said:


> 10 years.


A lot of people want to have their freedom after leaving an long term unhappy relationship. If her moral code as a young woman was that she loved to play hide the hotdog with the whole football team, it's doubtful that now tasting freedom again she will be willing to only date one person. She may be willing to pick you after all her fun has been had, but she won't still deserve you.

Time to start up your OLD profile again, and go on some dates so you can get your mind off this one. Sorry you are here.


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Sorry for the cheesy post here but I just thought I would mention it as most of the responses are about her wanting sex with different guys and playing the field due to the new found freedom. 

One thing we really did have was real intimacy. You know the type whereby sex is better when you truly know and care about someone rather than a random lay. We were romantic together, slow dancing to cheesy songs in the living room, falling asleep hugging each other all night, etc (sorry I won't go into anymore detail but you get the picture)... she even commented how amazing it was to have that kind of intimacy and how she'd never had that before. Surely you don't get this kind of intimacy if you're basically F-ing around. 

Does this mean anything or is it neither here nor there in this situation and she is basically not in a place where she wants this?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

richdeniro said:


> Sorry for the cheesy post here but I just thought I would mention it as most of the responses are about her wanting sex with different guys and playing the field due to the new found freedom.
> 
> One thing we really did have was real intimacy. You know the type whereby sex is better when you truly know and care about someone rather than a random lay. We were romantic together, slow dancing to cheesy songs in the living room, falling asleep hugging each other all night, etc (sorry I won't go into anymore detail but you get the picture)... she even commented how amazing it was to have that kind of intimacy and how she'd never had that before. Surely you don't get this kind of intimacy if you're basically F-ing around.
> 
> Does this mean anything or is it neither here nor there in this situation and she is basically not in a place where she wants this?


You may have scared her away. She is newly divorced and wants to live it up with lots of different men, casually. Probably why her marriage ended. You are an emotional pitfall. She pulled back and decided she wasn't ready for your level of intimacy. Leave this alone.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

richdeniro said:


> Sorry for the cheesy post here but I just thought I would mention it as most of the responses are about her wanting sex with different guys and playing the field due to the new found freedom.
> 
> One thing we really did have was real intimacy. You know the type whereby sex is better when you truly know and care about someone rather than a random lay. We were romantic together, slow dancing to cheesy songs in the living room, falling asleep hugging each other all night, etc (sorry I won't go into anymore detail but you get the picture)... she even commented how amazing it was to have that kind of intimacy and how she'd never had that before. Surely you don't get this kind of intimacy if you're basically F-ing around.
> 
> Does this mean anything or is it neither here nor there in this situation and she is basically not in a place where she wants this?


You were sort of like a new beloved toy. You (and she for a while) had a real connection. But this was not sustainable. I'm sure you are bewildered after your above description. Love bomb is such an appropriate word. Her sexual habits are enticing to most men initially. What's missing is a depth of character, values, mores. Hope this helps you examine what you want in a long-term woman.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Please share with us your reasoning why would you pine over someone who really doesn't want to be with you?


Are we robots? Most of us can't turn off our feelings like a lightswitch. We pine over people lost whether we want to or not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> Already done and fortunately came back negative. We wore condoms the first few times but she then told me she doesn't like them and because I thought we were exclusive I agreed. I still care about her and dread to think what she might catch now especially as having been with me her confidence is kind of rebuilt so is getting with other men plus she probably thinks that because it was ok going months with me without wearing anything she'll likely be fine.



The thing is....

Some STD's do not show up right away. Do not say 'present', "I am here".

Some do not show their viral colors until years later.

Some studies show that various cancers derive, start from venereal diseases.
Especially those found in female reproductive systems.
All it takes is one exposure from the wrong person.


AIDS does not show up right away either. It usually presents at 10 days to three months is the answer. It depends on the test used.

Many STD's are not curable.
That is not a comfortable thought.



Lilith-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is one of those threads, whereby if you do not read the following posts [especially by the OP] you give nice but lame advice.

I have posted useless advice myself. The first two or three pages usually will bring out the truth. 
Or enough to make a smart reply. 

The first few replying posters are at a disadvantage if the OP does not empty the cash register in his/her first post.
Ladies are better at vomiting it all out in one sitting.

Many men like to be prodded. It is an ego thing for them.
Or maybe it becomes a challenge, becomes exciting.

Some men need high voltage electric prods to get them to squeak it all out.
For them to empty the belly of the Male-Whale.

Some thread starters, having a Whale of a Tale. 
This one may qualify.



The Typist I-


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

So.... Tell us about your mother.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

richdeniro said:


> ... she even commented how amazing it was to have that kind of intimacy and how she'd never had that before. Surely you don't get this kind of intimacy if you're basically F-ing around.
> 
> Does this mean anything or is it neither here nor there in this situation and she is basically not in a place where she wants this?


What is means is she was living in the moment. Not the past, not the future; just the moment. Uh, no, "real" intimacy takes a lot of time develop and encompasses a great deal more than good sex. Yes, sex is a component, but there is so much more.

Like I already told you, the train has left the station. Ain't comin' back.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

richdeniro said:


> I'm not going to wait for her. I deserve better than that and I am not going to be someones backup option.
> 
> *I know it sounds big headed but she won't find better than me considering her age and baggage* (not intending to be mean there). I may have low self esteem but I at least feel some self worth.



Oh no, she will find better than you. She's a woman and she plays the game. There are plenty of men out there who when offered up the option will take it. She's been doing this for years, unfortunately for you you got played. Now time to move on and forget about her....but yeah, she will get lots of action if she wants it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

richdeniro said:


> Sorry for the cheesy post here but I just thought I would mention it as most of the responses are about her wanting sex with different guys and playing the field due to the new found freedom.
> 
> One thing we really did have was real intimacy. You know the type whereby sex is better when you truly know and care about someone rather than a random lay. We were romantic together, slow dancing to cheesy songs in the living room, falling asleep hugging each other all night, etc (sorry I won't go into anymore detail but you get the picture)... she even commented how amazing it was to have that kind of intimacy and how she'd never had that before. Surely you don't get this kind of intimacy if you're basically F-ing around.
> 
> Does this mean anything or is it neither here nor there in this situation and she is basically not in a place where she wants this?


It was real intimacy to YOU.

To her it was fun getting out and getting wined and dined and having some younger man fawn all over her. 

I agree with an earlier poster that said she is a player.

She has flirted up and schmoozed and had sex with dozens and dozens of men and she knows exactly what to say and what to do to make a man feel like he's a big, King stud and that he has hit one out of the ballpark and met his true soul mate..... At least until she tells him she needs a break and that she is not looking for any heavy commitment right now. 

You simply got played and you thought the relationship was a lot more than what it really was/is.

Now you know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

richdeniro said:


> She is definitely divorced or at least almost divorced. The house is still on the market but the London property market has basically crashed so it won't sell probably at least until after Brexit is sorted or they slash the price.
> 
> The reasons she gave me for ending the marriage was because she felt unloved, it became sexless and sometimes she just wanted a cuddle but he would never give her one. They did counselling but she decided to end it around 10 months before she met me. It sounds to me like he basically fell out of love with her.
> 
> I did often wonder why he didn't fight for her or the marriage though and now I'm thinking clearer perhaps can see why as she is extremely flirtatious and perhaps she was also involved in emotional affairs whilst they were together which he grew tired of.


You must not have read The Cheater's Handbook yet so let's go over a few Cliff's Notes on that to get you up to speed.

For starters all cheaters lie and manipulate and gaslight and rug sweep - about everything. And they always mix in little bits of truth here and there to make their lies seem at least somewhat plausible.

ALL cheaters say that their BS no longer sleeps with, has sex with them or gives them any attention or affection. Every last one of them say that to their APs and potential APs. (Reference pg #2 of the handbook)

The first lie they usually tell is that they are divorced (pg 5)

If their mark gets suspicious, they say that the divorce isn't final but that they are physically separated but the D isn't quite finalized and they are waiting for the judge to sign it (pg 6)

If there is any question on that, then they state that they have tried to push the D through but that the BS is dragging their feet and making the D difficult and they are bogged down in mediation (pg 7)

Then if their mark gets suspiscious that they never bring the AP to their home, then it comes out they aren't living in separate houses yet because the house isn't selling so they are living separate lives in separate beds (pg 8)

Then if AP comes across happy, smiling family pictures of their vacation to the lake house, then it's they do live together and do things as a family to keep up appearances "for the children." (Pg 9)

See where this is all going???

This is all right out of the book and following the script.

Now maybe she and maybe she isn't in some stage of divorce or seperation right now. But you'll never know for sure because she is a player that keeps moving the goal posts on you and making you do the "Pick Me! Dance)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you want to get closer to the truth about what's going on with her, my suggestion is you stop in and see her husband and talk to him about it.

I have the feeling you will learn a lot in discussing it with him.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So, I think I get this after reading through most of the info and posts. 

- You guys weren't exclusively dating and not really for very long
- She still lives with her Husband
- She is seeing other dudes without hesitation
- Her husband appears to be a guy that you don't want to F with
- she is not pursuing you and basically made clear what her intentions were

After all of this, you still fell hard and fast for her. I think a lot has to do with what others have said, her being a player and playing the 'game' well and a lot of times, what you can't have, you want even more, in these types of situations.

But the other thing at play here and this is just an observation appears that considering all the variables, I'm guessing you have a hard time with women in general. Based upon her qualities and the short time span of the relationship in the whole scope of things, there should still be a major emotional attachment, after several months of no contact, doesn't mean it is always the case but it just sounds like you hooked one, you had some kind of experience you really hadn't had before, you thought you loved it and now that it's gone you are wondering how to get it back?

The good thing is that you can get that feeling back and better and with someone with less, I really don't even want to call it baggage. Baggage signals stuff you bring into a relationship from a previous one, what you bring with you. It sounds like she is probably, in some respects, still in the relationship. Easier said than done now but the next time you connect with someone and as soon as you get off your a$$, you will find someone else .... make sure they don't live with their legally classified Husband.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Theseus said:


> Are we robots? Most of us can't turn off our feelings like a lightswitch. We pine over people lost whether we want to or not.


Robots?

Hardly...

A quick reflection why we suffer?

Absolutely.

The sooner he can understand why this desire is either worth the effort, or not, the better he will be to make the decisions that will relieve a pain which seems so important.

He has powerful choices here... how much he wants to suffer is surely one of those.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

There probably a good reason she is divorced


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> ... how much he wants to suffer is surely one of those.


Or, as we frequently say in Al-Anon, "Misery is an option."


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn’t have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.

I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids. I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up as 4 months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought.

Anyway I am still doing ok, guess I’m just a little sad about it. In a way it might help me get the closure I’ve needed as she’s clearly moved on and isn’t coming back. Seeing this a couple of months ago would have floored me but I don’t feel too bad considering. Despite the sadness I even thought to myself upon seeing the photo ‘I hope she is happy’.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oh brother ...... I'm gonna vomit. Your future a$$ prospects are approaching zero.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Rich are you trying to tell us that for the past several months you have not moved on from her, and that you still pine for someone who clearly made a choice and it wasn't you? its unhealthy brother, and it will destroy you if you let it. You need to understand she is not worth the lose of your sanity, no one is, you need to need to gain perspective. I really wish you well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be Rich DeNiro, not Robert the flake.

Live a rich life.
You are on your way.

With this women you tasted rich.
She was so sweet, such a good tart.

You made her feel good, having a man chase and dote over her.
She made you feel good in return.
Give her credit for that. 

In 'your' mind thank God for putting her in your path.
I mean this wholeheartedly.

She showed you a good time, she showed you what real love was all about.

FOR YOU, not for her.

She liked you, then later told you to find a different woman whom you could have kids with.
That was your clue.

Yes, she deceived you when she said she wasn't still searching for new adventures with other men, her looking to find new flavors of Smegma.

Why did she deceive you?

Because you did not deserve to be hurt [in her mind].

She wanted to let you down gently, but had not the skills or the brave will [or both].

You got to sample her in the flesh.
What more can you ask of another human being. In your case this female friend.

She was your dream, your exclusive lover.
Her charms overwhelmed you. 

Take those dreams and memories and store them someplace nice and warm.

Yes, she gave you a gift. Her charms, her body, her love pot.
No, she did not give you the ultimate prize, her hand in matrimony.

She also gave you an opportunity to find more love.
She did this by letting you go.

You gained a lot from her, you lost only one thing......your dream.

You ran your hands up and down that dream, you kissed and caressed her into the wee hours.
You filled her up many times with your love nectar.

What more could you ask of a dream?

.........................................................................................................

What now?

Move on to your next dream, then your next dream after that.
Never wake up until the latest dream is your next wife.



The Typist I-


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

richdeniro said:


> I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up as 4 months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought.


 You are assuming she wasn't involved with him WHILE she was involved with you. That would be a bad assumption.
It's past time for you to move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You are assuming she wasn't involved with him WHILE she was involved with you. That would be a bad assumption.
> It's past time for you to move on.


 Agreed. 



How unbelievably _*serendipitous*_ it would have been had she broken up with you on Tuesday night and then, out of the blue on Wednesday morning, she just _happened_ to meet Cruise Boy. 



Not likely.


At all.


She's like one of those monkeys in Africa - she swings from tree to tree. We'll likely see Cruise Boy here in a few months or so, crying the blues about being dumped by monkey girl.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Agreed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I do not like this response.
I don't.

Why is it a man can go on multiple dates with multiple women and then choose one, or, maybe none of them?
Cannot a woman do the same?


But, we keep telling men and woman to go slow, not to latch onto a LTR or marriage partner too soon.
That one should really spend time with their dates, especially if they are looking for a husband or wife.
Spending time with their dates means spending time with them in real life and in and out of the sack.

I get the deceit part, I do. She was less than honest for sure. She did it in a less then a mean way IMO.
OP would not take the hint.


If 'these' daters are 'only' looking for lust and fun, then they should convey that early on, by telling prospective partners that they are not 'presently' looking for anything 'too' long term.

I know, I know, if one is at the receiving end of this [in fact cold] treatment it would really hurt if you developed feelings for this sexual/emotional arctic explorer.

I could not do this to any other human being. I could not play the game.
And when young, did not.

I love romance and sex but would not 'steal' it from another who had feelings for me. Especially, deep feelings.
If a woman did this to me I would never go back to her. But, that is pride acting, not rationality.

Yes, I live for pride, to my detriment. I would not hold a grudge in this case if I were left at the abandoned bed post.

But, it sounded like she gave him enough hints. He chose to overlook them.

She did like him, she obviously enjoyed the sex and his doting, otherwise she would never had allowed him to get near her so many times.
You could tell she felt sorry for him and allowed him to overstay his 'welcome'. 
She did allow him to dip his wick past the point of no return.

Love is wonderful.
Love is the best thing going.
Love that is reciprocated, umm.

Add in fulfilled lust.....oh, my! :grin2:

Until, it leaves you high and........lonely.

..............................................................................................................................

Oh, by the way...
She is in that 42-48 age window, seeing Wanderlust all around; feeling it course up and down her legs, insidiously affecting/infecting her brain.

Men feel it only in one leg.
Guess which one? :surprise:

Just Sayin'



The Typist- thank God for Quantum radios.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

richdeniro said:


> Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn’t have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.
> 
> I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids. I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up as 4 months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought.
> 
> Anyway I am still doing ok, guess I’m just a little sad about it. In a way it might help me get the closure I’ve needed as she’s clearly moved on and isn’t coming back. Seeing this a couple of months ago would have floored me but I don’t feel too bad considering. Despite the sadness I even thought to myself upon seeing the photo ‘I hope she is happy’.


Rich, stop the pain shopping. I know it's hard to get by this, but you DO need to move on and looking at her pages, etc. isn't helping you at all. You already know she has moved on (even before she stopped dating you), and now you know what type of person she is. If nothing else, get MAD at the fact that she really isn't AT ALL who you thought. You are in love with an image, not a real person. She clearly IS NOT the woman you think she is. For your own sake, don't ever look at her page again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Imagine...

You being a women in an unhappy marriage.
You have three kids. They keep you damn busy...oh yeah.

You hardly have time for yourself. Time to do things for yourself.
That is marriage.
Hers was a bad marriage, that is why she wants a divorce.

You endure many years of marriage, have many lonely nights, not getting any satisfaction from your husband.
No emotional, or sexual satisfaction.

You come to an agreement with your husband that divorce is the answer. He agrees.
He allows you to date until the divorce is final.

He opens up your prison door, you see the bright light, smell the fresh air.

You see the men. The eligible men.
Your heart swells, your veejay gets hot and squirmy.

You have never been alone, yes, you need a companion.....all the time.

You jump right in with both feet and with one veejay.
And you swim around the ocean of men, looking for Elmo.

On the way you run into some Lion fish [liars], some Sucker fish, some Sharks, some Barracudas, some Puffer fish and one lovely Pink Salmon, our OP here.
You really like the Salmon but not enough to hook up with him forever.

You exchange love and juice with him but finally shoo him away and swim onward looking for Mr. Nice Fins.

It seems she found him. 
God Bless Her.

Read OP's initial post. How many times did she tell [or hint] to him that it was not going to work out?


Just Sayin'



The Typist-


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I do not like this response.
> I don't.
> 
> Why is it a man can go on multiple dates with multiple women and then choose one, or, maybe none of them?
> Cannot a woman do the same?


Hey, I'm *all *for multi-dating for either gender - I did it myself once or twice when I was single. I didn't lie about it but I didn't announce it, either. But if anyone had asked, I would have at least been honest about it.

The difference *here* is that she kept lying to the OP about why she didn't want to see him, trying to act as though she was being selfless by suggesting he "deserves to find someone his own age and have kids" and blah blah blah. Then she insisted on a 'break' as though she was doing HIM a huge favor so he could go out and find that younger woman of his dreams. She wasn't being selfless at all - she wanted to spend time with her new boy toy and being with the OP was taking time away from the new guy. Then she lies some more to him, claiming she just _happened _to meet this guy during the oh-so-selfless break she'd given the OP. 

Pfffft.

That's not multi-dating. It's just plain deceitful, low-rent behavior.

Therefore, I'm sticking to my Africa monkey tree-to-tree statement and won't take it back. :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Hey, I'm *all *for multi-dating for either gender - I did it myself once or twice when I was single. I didn't lie about it but I didn't announce it, either. But if anyone had asked, I would have at least been honest about it.
> 
> The difference *here* is that she kept lying to the OP about why she didn't want to see him, trying to act as though she was being selfless by suggesting he "deserves to find someone his own age and have kids" and blah blah blah. Then she insisted on a 'break' as though she was doing HIM a huge favor so he could go out and find that younger woman of his dreams. She wasn't being selfless at all - she wanted to spend time with her new boy toy and being with the OP was taking time away from the new guy. Then she lies some more to him, claiming she just _happened _to meet this guy during the oh-so-selfless break she'd given the OP.
> 
> ...


It is a good thing I like you, My Dear! :wink2:
And I do.

I am going to post my counter points to your AMT, counter to your words.

I will use OP's words to make my case.

......................................................................................................................

I was seeing her quite intensely… I don't really know how to describe the relationship as *we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits*. 

Everything was going good but at the end of April *she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own,* I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and *she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone.* It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.

She told him she was seeing someone else. That is being very open.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. *I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates.*

It was likely over but the guy likely came back to her.

A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

He saw she was distracted, she did not hide anything from him. These interactions were likely nothing....yet.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

Cannot OP take the hint. She is romancing others right in front of his nose. She is not hiding anything.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone

* but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids.* 

Uh, how much more clear can she be?


I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

Yes, she tried to let him down nicely.


We met up for a drink two month ago and spoke a bit about it and *she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends.* 

My goodness, she only wants to be friends, again very honest. Yeppir! :|

I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: *“Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry”.*

So, @She'sStillGotIt, there you have it. She told him point blank. She likes him, does not love him. Wants him as a friend only. Needs a break from his presence.
How much clearer need she be?


She gave him her love, they made love umpteen times and she was wonderful in that way. He was as close as any human can be to a woman. Why is OP complaining? He now has a wonderful memory of her

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since – 60 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?' and I didn't reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a few months and it sucks a bit I suppose.

I feel better than I did in the immediate couple of weeks after but am still struggling, I think about her all the time and wonder each day if today might be the day she gets back in touch but I think she has probably moved on now that it has been a couple of months, *she is probably seeing someone else too.*

It was been obvious from a few weeks out that she wanted him only as a FWB's.

I will not go Pffft!

I do not revel in being correct. 

Oh yeah, I am wrong at least half the time.
But, do not tell anyone. :grin2:


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Could it be she was just trying to let him off easily? Maybe she was hoping that he would not end up where he unfortunately did.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> It is a good thing I like you, My Dear! :wink2:


And I, you! :grin2:


> She told him she was seeing someone else. That is being very open.


Agreed, but again, she tried to make it look like her concern was all for *him* finding someone younger when the truth was, she'd already met and had started seeing this guy and that's why she was pushing the OP away using phony excuses about being 'concerned' that he was missing out a younger woman. That was just a bunch of baloney and when they reconnected 3 weeks later, she finally told him *most* of the truth about seeing the other guy, she just neglected to tell him she'd been seeing him while she was with the OP. 

And while I also agree they weren't exclusive, my point was that she was being dishonest and slippery about it instead of telling him she was moving on right from the get go. 



> e saw she was distracted, she did not hide anything from him. These interactions were likely nothing....yet.


I'll have to disagree here. Anyone who spends their time 'chatting' mysteriously on WhatsApp while they're supposed to be spending time with the person sitting right in front of them definitely has something *shady* going on. Very, very shady.



> Cannot OP take the hint. She is romancing others right in front of his nose. She is not hiding anything.


I agree.



> Uh, how much more clear can she be?


Fair enough. I _*may*_ have to reneg my Africa monkey tree-to-tree statement...:grin2:


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## richdeniro (Sep 12, 2018)

Thanks all for taking the time to respond, it does help. I do know that I'm taking much longer than I really should to get over her, it's just my nature really and I am such an over-analyser. Relationships that are important to me mean so much and this one, despite only being a short lived thing, really did mean a lot to me, I'll be honest and say it was the first time I have truly been in love with someone. I think the way it all ended and how it came about did hit me for six, being lovebombed at the beginning probably didn't help matters as did getting back together with her after I completely put myself out there telling her exactly how I felt about her.

I know she did give me many hints that to her it was just a fling/fwb that she wanted but alongside those was the overwhelming affection and attention she gave to me. It made me think that she did see me as more than that, also some of the words she used made me feel she did want it to be more than that and that even though I knew she was messaging other guys that I had a chance to 'win' her so to speak as I felt she couldn't decide between me and whoever else was on the scene.

I do think another reason I haven't been able to move on from it as quickly as I'd like is the fact that I had no closure. Yes I knew she was messaging others but the way she abruptly ended it meant I didn't fully know the reasons, all I had was my suspicions. There was always the wondering that she might not have met anyone or found out the grass wasn't greener so might have reached out to me again. Seeing the photo of her with the new guy on holiday I think helps confirm my suspicions were all true and she has moved on herself.

I do think most of you are all correct in that she didn't fully break up with him back in June when we got back together, or he did come back in that period. She strung me along in that time as perhaps she did really like me and didn't want to let me go either. Her agenda that she wanted someone who was closer to her age and also had kids probably swung things in his favour in the end though. I guess what hurts now is not the fact that I am not with her but the speed in which she was able to move on from me and seemingly get into a new and serious relationship with such ease and that is the likely reason she hasn't reached out to me at all since ending it. Of course I want her and her kids to be happy but I guess it hurts also that I meant so little to her and that our relationship was just a fling to her. I know it's only Facebook but it kind of stung seeing her on holiday with him as she has obviously moved this relationship on very quickly for him to not only have met her kids but going abroad with them too - one of the reasons she cooled things with me was that she told me her eldest daughter was having a hard time with the divorce and to introduce them to a new man after only a few months may mean she lied to me about that and used it as an excuse. 

I also wonder if the money factor came into play a bit too which is why she has sped this relationship along fairly quickly as the first thought that came to mind was that he was well off and I know that I wouldn't have been able to offer her the kind of life that she had with her ex-husband financially. They were selling their 6 bedroom house for over a million and let's just say she lived an extremely upper middle class life. When I first met her I was amazed she was with me considering the life she was used to money wise. The reason she ended things with her ex-husband was because the marriage became loveless and sexless. She told me she was with him because of the life he was able to provide for her and her kids but it wasn't enough in the end. I wonder if she has fallen into the same trap of getting together with someone for the money side of it and that relationship will also go the same way. I often find successful rich people are very career driven and they neglect their relationships so when the honeymoon phase of this relationship wears off he might too be that sort of guy. Not intending to sound wishful thinking with that, I genuinely care for her and hope it doesn't go that way as I do want her to find someone who can make her happy.

My friends think that this also might be one of the reasons she has not reached out, that she was swayed by the money side and she might feel ashamed that she did choose the guy with money rather than personality values hence going completely no contact. Perhaps though this guy has been on the scene for longer anyway hence she wasn't worried about introducing her to her kids, for all I know he has been in the background for years and is the reason her marriage eventually ended. I guess these are things I'll never know. 

Through therapy I have also learnt about attachment types and I have an anxious attachment type which is why I was so triggered by the way she acted in the final month and why it's taking me so long to move on. I also think she had an avoidant attachment type so when things get serious she withdraws. It would also explain why she is able to bury any feelings with such ease and bottle them away. Avoidant attachments also rarely reach out unless something happens that brings feelings back up, usually something stressful such as another relationship ending.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don't worry...as soon as some guy with even more money comes along.........

Shake it off.....get back out there.


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