# Boyfriend curious about sex with others



## horse_chick87 (Feb 16, 2013)

Ok so I'll lay this bare & say yes I'm only 18. I know this is a marriage forum, but I googled advice about my problem & your site came up. The advice seemed really good for the person I'm just wanting to see if this applies to me & more just some help on whether I need to be firm on my point. I feel like I'm right, but I really want others opinions so I can hold firm to what I believe.

Anyway, so I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. I've slept with one other guy before him, but he's only been with me. It's been all smiles and happy times so far except for the occasional fight, etc, but now since we've both finished school and I'll be moving away for seven years I've started the is this going to last conversations.

One of the results of that is bf doesn't want to settle down, aka move away with me until he's lived a little. Most of the usual stuff like throw a few parties, buy a few outrageous things, but he's also curious about sleeping with other people. 

I told him last night that I respect his curiousity - I don't want him to feel like he's missed out on anything because of me - but I don't think I could handle him sleeping with anyone else. 

I think he'd be very lucky to be able to say "I've only slept with one person", I think its a very romantic thing, however he is still curious about sex with others

I've pushed my point that I might not be around if he does/I let him as I really do not know how I would react. I could end up telling him to f off and not wanting anything to do with him. So he said to disreguard his curiousity, that he doesn't want to risk us. 

I'm just wanting to know am I right in saying this? I feel like I am, if he cheats on me later in life because I wouldn't let him now we'll that's his own fault. I just don't want to feel like I'm asking him to give up a lot.

Because for me it's not giving up a lot. I don't understand how you can be with someone yet still actually consider sleeping with someone else, especially if you really seriously love them. 

I don't know if it's too much to ask of an 18 year old, hormones or something, I just don't know what to do. 

Any advice?

p.s. sorry for the long story.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. You are moving away for seven years!?

Forgeddaboutit. Move on. You are way too young anyway.

If you are in a comitted relationship it is never ok to cheat. This is not something you allow to avoid it later.

I think you guys just accept that he does not want to follow you, whereveer you are going.

WTH are you going for seven years? It matters BTW.

Yes 18 year old men and women are hormones and nerve endings. But there is no excuse to be unfaithful. That said, there is no reason for anyone going without sex fron the age of 18 thru 25. So I suggest you either find a way to be together or go your separate ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your story is not long.. wait until you see a REALLY long one.. wiht no paragraphs and no punctuation.. 

How old in your boyfriend?

Why are you moving away for 7 years?

You have every right to feel the way you do and to tell him how you feel. You are not telling him what to do. Instead you are letting him know what your boundaries are. Your boundary is that you will not tolerate cheating.

Now you two could break up and you both go about living your lives. And maybe one day you two can decided to get back together. But to be together and he sleeps with others... no way. 

Now on his side, you are both very young. Him wanting to experience more of life is very normal and even healthy. I'm not saying that sleeping around it good. I'm saying that living life is good.

The human brain does not finish developing until age 26. You will both me very different people by that age. The chances of you two even liking the same kind of people at 26 as you do today is slim. 

If he wants to sleep with other women let him go. Let him grow up. He's obviously not mature enough for a relationship. Guys mature at a rate much slower than women do. An example of this is that divorce is very common for women who marry under the age of 25 and men who marry under the age of 30. That's a 5 year difference in the maturity levels of men and women. Think about that.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Let this relationship go. He is saying you are not enough for him. Some day the right relationship will come along and someone won't be able to live without you.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You are both way too young to settle down. Let him go and you both go on having happy lives.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you for your story. Why apologize for being "long" - that already tells me that your self esteem is a bit low.

And relationship with your boyfriend. What you feel is right, because YOU feel that way. There is no other rules than what your heart tells you.

I am afraid that this is not just curiosity and you two really should discuss a little bit deeper about his need to have sexual relationship with others. I really wonder what is it in the root of that need.

So, don't give up on your intuition about this. In most cases intuition will tell you what is right and what is wrong!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I am thinking the same... 

He's "not ready" and "wanting to live more" = "I don't know if I'm serious about you." He is being honest and obviously does care to some degree, but he is not committed. To make a long distance relationship work for the amount of time you'll be gone takes a LOT of commitment.

I would encourage you to take the lead and let him know that you respect him and yourself enough to set him free. If and when he realizes he can't live without you, you can reconsider, but don't hold yourself back for a lukewarm man.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

horse_chick87 said:


> I think he'd be very lucky to be able to say "I've only slept with one person", I think its a very romantic thing, however he is still curious about sex with others


Although you sound very mature for 18 and you seem to be wise and intelligent, the above statement represents a complete lack of understanding of male sexuality. Especially 18 year-old male sexuality. 

Your boyfriend will either sleep with someone else now or later...10 years into this relationship. Agree to go your separate ways now. You might find that you get back together when he (and you) have got the need for new sexual partners/experiences out of your system. Then hopefully you can avoid the horrors of marital infidelity that so many on this site are suffering. 

Trying to lock this kid into a monogamous relationship at 18 is going to backfire. Live a little, and let him do the same.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

These are things I've learned between age 18 and 23:

He may seem like it now, but he is not necessarily the best guy in the whole world for you. You may feel lucky to have him, just remember he's not the only guy who could ever love you.

You will both change. I know far more about myself as a person now and listen to my heart much more than I did at 18 - I had no clue what I wanted out of life or anything.

Two people living apart for 7 years... makes me think of army wives and makes me sad, because people need physical touch to connect and feel loved. You would both be essentially living like you're single, which means you both have to trust that no one will cheat... which is a damn big commitment at this age for anyone.

Please don't hold yourself back for him: he is being honest with you, maybe that means he wants one other person, maybe more. But he's not hiding from you. It is up to you to decide if what he can offer is something worth hanging on to. But for your sake, get on and do what you want to do, as you've got one life.

Two people in a relationship > meeting each other's needs > happy relationship > no one wants to cheat, they just want to be with each other. 

Finally, my personal experience. I have slept with one man before my current bf. I taught my current bf everything he knows lol. Does he wonder what it would be like with someone else? Nope. Why? Because I meet his needs, he feels loved, he doesn't want it from anyone else!

Good luck in your decision


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

No matter what her age is,I don't think 7 year long long distance relationship is going to work.


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## IronicSmile (Jan 5, 2012)

Yep, if he is with you now, and can have as much time as he wants with you, but is still talking about interest in others. His affection won't survive the separation no matter what promises you extract from him.

Let him go now, if he comes back of his own free will and commits to you then he deserves you....but if he doesn't, then you haven't found the right man yet. 

Agree with the earlier posts, but will say I think it's possible that two 18 year olds or even younger meet their match and stay together for life. But both have to feel the same way. If he doesn't feel that way now, he will probably not grow to feel that way even more.

Another thing, if you have made it obvious you are committed to him and willing to commit, but he has not and is evasive. He's got the high cards in your game of love, and it is easy to talk about having sex with others or walking away. 

Since you've already given him power, he may be trying to see how far he can make you stretch your love for him. Maybe he can have you committed and still get to experience everything he wants? Maybe he's just testing you? Another good reason to let him go.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *keepsmiling said* : Two people living apart for 7 years... makes me think of army wives and makes me sad, because people need physical touch to connect and feel loved.












Me & my husband are the *Romantic type* that only wanted to be with 1 person *for life*... but we would have sacrificed ANYTHING to be together... I would not have survived without some sexual touching for even 6 months likely... I would have become weak & wanting very badly...

... So no , the 7 year thing is asking WAY TOO MUCH... If you can't be together... if your relationship is not important enough to sacrifice financial gain, whatever...to keep you 2 in the same area - involved/ emotional & physical Intimacy flowing.... I'd let it go. 

It would only set him up to LIE to you down the road... to not hurt you.... if you give him an ultimatum like that.....if you expected him to go sexless for 7 long years - during his sexual PRIME.....Just not going to happen. 

Only a rare rare man could do that or even consider it....the type that believes sex should be reserved till marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So basically you are leaving the relationship for the next 7 years. Your his first serious gf and he's beginning to realize that committing yourself to someone who is leaving you for the next 7 years to pursue her goals is throwing away a very important and valuable part of his life.

I don't see this as him being a horny 18 yr old looking to cheat. I see him as a guy who is actually seeing the value of the next 7 years of life. He wants to live it, he wants to be social and in a relationship.

I'm not faulting you for going away to pursue your dreams/education, but asking him to put his life on hold and go 7 years alone and waiting for you is asking him a lot, perhaps too much.

It's doubtful you yourself will be happy with this either. In the next 7 years you are going to grow and change is ways you cannot imagine now. You are going to be meeting other guys that strongly attract you and frankly the odds of the two of you still being a fit after 7 years of living separate lives and growing from experiences you aren't going to share are practically nil.

More likely one or both of you is going to grow tired of the other, and be attracted to others who are around you and sharing your life experiences.

I suggest the two of you do something very very hard and breakup. End it as friends and lovers, but end it and actually date others and move on. This is the path of least pain, far far less than being dumped or being cheated on. You both end it mutually without drama or nastiness.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Let the relationship go and move on. If your paths cross later and you fall madly in love with each then maybe it will work then.

My first husband was curious about sex with other people, we were your age when we married. I would not do 3-somes like he wanted so he just started cheating behind my back. We divorced and he has cheated on every woman since.

I think you need to follow your gut feeling on this one and still to your guns that this is not something to entertain.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honestly the odds of a LTR lasting for 7 years aren't good at all.
With him curious about other women it becomes an impossibility.

When you go off to school end the relationship for both your sakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## horse_chick87 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. I must admit I was a little afraid to see the posts, but I am thankful that I looked. 

In reply to all the long distance/no sex for seven years replies I guarantee you there will not be no sex for seven years. We'd only be two years apart and try and see each other as much as possible. I know it would be really hard to do long distance for that long, but I'd still love to try it. I'd hate to think about it later in life after not trying LDR and wonder what would have happened if we had. 

I possibly think that part of his curiousity is because I'm not that confident in bed. I'm going to try and work on this, but over the next couple of weeks I'm going to find out whether this problem is going to wreck our relationship or not. 

Which is a concept which terrifies me, but I've got to know.


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## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

I think you are far too young to think that relationships will last through long distances over several, several years. Sure it might be fine for a while, but the stress of communication and visitation puts too much strain and usually leads to break ups. So that being said, I think you should be open to the fact that if he is already thinking about seeing other people, there’s probably nothing you can do about it and open up that opportunity for yourself as well. You two can still get together later on if you remain friends and don’t break off terribly. That could be the true indication of romantic in your case. After all, would you really deny him (or yourself) the opportunity to find someone else who may be more perfect? I know it’s probably what you don’t want to hear but I say it’s time you move on. Common Marriage Issues


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Long distance relationships are very difficult to do at any age and especially at age 18. Could you be one of the rare exceptions? Maybe. However, if you ask me (and you did since you posted on this message board ), I think you two will drift apart. You'll meet new, interesting, intellectually stimulating people where you're going. One of them, maybe more than one of them, will spark an interest in you. Your current boyfriend will be out of sight, out of mind. I know..you'll no doubt protest that you won't forget him. I'm sure you mean it too. But trust me, once you're away, you're with new people, having conversations with others, you will find yourself getting attached to others, attracted by others and so will he. He'll find new people to go out with, talk to, have fun with. 

If you really want to, give the LDR a go. You can at least then say you two tried to make it work instead of always wondering about what could have been. But I think the end result will be the same...

My now husband's ex-girlfriend moved away to another state at your age. They promised they would see each other. He flew there, she called him, they kept in touch. But eventually he realized, the distance was just too great and the promise they made to each other at a young age wasn't really fair to either one of them. He broke up with her. 
Thank God he did because he wouldn't have met the awesome person that is me.


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## horse_chick87 (Feb 16, 2013)

Well now months later we've discussed it a bit and it got to the point where after another conversation where he said "he'll fight himself" I thought for a week about it and then told him he could sleep with someone to explore his curiousity. Yet instead of agreeing he said "I've proved to myself that I don't need anyone, but you". So things are going fairly ok for now. 

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've also now changed my mind about my career choice. I wanted to be a vet, but to be honest I don't feel like I'm that dedicated so I'm going to be a veterinary nurse, which is three hours away from where we are living now and write on the side (I'm writing a novel). Luckily it also happens to be where my boyfriend will possibly go next year if he doesn't get an apprenticeship down here. So maybe not long distance (yay! ). My course will only go for two years as well (double yay ). 

I also teased him about how he doesn't wanna be around me 24/7 and he said it wasn't that. He's not, not wanting to live with me, he's just worried about money being so young and if we moved in together he'd be starting an apprenticeship which wages wouldn't be a good source of income - I'd also be working, but he's sort of old fashioned about the man being the main source of income. I sort of get where he is coming from about the money, but then that's why I'm doing a gap year, to save.

Anyway, so far things are going ok. Do I know what's going to happen with our relationship? Of course not, but so far things are looking better


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