# Im confused and need advice



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Hey guys. Im in need of really good advice. April 17 was Dday for me and the past month and a half has been horrible for me. My wife and i talked it out around the mid May to actually discuss what had happened. She lied and had an EA with a co-worker. At first i wanted to give up but it just felt wrong so i wanted to fight for this marriage. We worked things out and i went to counseling to work on me. This whole situation made me realize that i was controlling, jealous and co-dependent. My wife knows that i hate the OM just because of what i have gone through but i have this feeling that she is hiding information from me. I caught her lying to me again about the OM. She erases the OM text messages immediately and they went to lunch atleast 3 times and she tried to hide it from me.

Mid-May i agreed to a seperation but it will start in Aug when i deploy. She doesnt have that much money to get her own place and she doesnt want to live in the house that i bought her. So she wants me pay her rent for 6 months until she can support herself. I just have that feeling that she is just trying to be nice until i leave then she can do whatever she wants. I feel like im getting screwed over. 

I just dont want to feel like this anymore. I wish i can just flip the switch and leave her and my 5 year old daughter so i can move on but im not that kind of person to abandon them. But, if i stay i will feel like crap and always wonder and think. 

Thanks for listenening and i just wanted to get this out.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Hey guys. Im in need of really good advice. April 17 was Dday for me and the past month and a half has been horrible for me. My wife and i talked it out around the mid May to actually discuss what had happened. She lied and had an EA with a co-worker. At first i wanted to give up but it just felt wrong so i wanted to fight for this marriage. We worked things out and i went to counseling to work on me. This whole situation made me realize that i was controlling, jealous and co-dependent. My wife knows that i hate the OM just because of what i have gone through but i have this feeling that she is hiding information from me. I caught her lying to me again about the OM. She erases the OM text messages immediately and they went to lunch atleast 3 times and she tried to hide it from me.
> 
> Mid-May i agreed to a seperation but it will start in Aug when i deploy. *She doesnt have that much money to get her own place and she doesnt want to live in the house that i bought her. So she wants me pay her rent for 6 months until she can support herself. * I just have that feeling that she is just trying to be nice until i leave then she can do whatever she wants. I feel like im getting screwed over.
> 
> ...


Do you mean that she can stay in the current home (but doesn't WANT too) and, instead wants you to *fund *an additional apartment for six months?

Under the circumstances, I would not pay additional money for alternative housing. Something about that request (or demand) seems odd to me. So long as there is a roof over your daughters head, it really doesn't matter what the WW wants, now does it?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> This whole situation made me realize that i was controlling, jealous and co-dependent.


co-dependent, probably

controlling and jealous?
unlikely

you are trying to save a marriage with an unwilling participant



if she's still in contact with OM, then it is still going on btw, guaranteed


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

As a cheaters she thinks that separation means that she will be free to date and sleep with the OM. She wants to cake eat. She wants you to pay her bills as she gets to cheats freely. If she gets caught cheating by anyone she will simple say that the marraige was over and that the two of you had separated. You will lose the moral high ground as she tells everyone what a bad husband you are.

She has no remorse and the odds of your marraige lasting is not good. She just wants you as a meal ticket. If you want to try to stay in the marraige, tell her that she either agrees to commit to you 100% or you want a divorce. Tell her that separation is not an option because you know that is code for her cheating while you are deployed.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Separation is just a prelude to divorce, don't bend over backwards for her man.Tell her to get her own damn place and pay the rent or just stay put in your place till she can find alternative housing, you have no obligation towards her anymore.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

TRy said:


> As a cheaters she thinks that separation means that she will be free to date and sleep with the OM. She wants to cake eat. She wants you to pay her bills as she gets to cheats freely. If she gets caught cheating by anyone she will simple say that the marraige was over and that the two of you had separated. You will lose the moral high ground as she tells everyone what a bad husband you are.
> 
> She has no remorse and the odds of your marraige lasting is not good. She just wants you as a meal ticket. If you want to try to stay in the marraige, tell her that she either agrees to commit to you 100% or you want a divorce. Tell her that separation is not an option because you know that is code for her cheating while you are deployed.




:iagree:


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Do you mean that she can stay in the current home (but doesn't WANT too) and, instead wants you to *fund *an additional apartment for six months?
> 
> Under the circumstances, I would not pay additional money for alternative housing. Something about that request (or demand) seems odd to me. So long as there is a roof over your daughters head, it really doesn't matter what the WW wants, now does it?


Yes, she can stay in the current home but she wants to live on her own. She said that she wants to see if she can live on her own and feel what its like. We married young so i can understand a little where shes coming from. But.... my duaghter will be in Cali for a school year so basically she will be living on her own regardless of where she will be staying.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Well then that simplifies the situation a little -> refuse to pay the rent(damn, women can be so demanding) 

Don't let her call favors by trying to make you feel guilty for what she's done


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Read A/R's newbies link..will help you.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Yes, she can stay in the current home but she wants to live on her own. She said that she wants to see if she can live on her own and feel what its like. We married young so i can understand a little where shes coming from. But.... my duaghter will be in Cali for a school year so basically she will be living on her own regardless of where she will be staying.


And you will be deployed, so no matter where she resides, she will be "on her own"?

I still say, forget the rent. If she wants to change her residence, let her fund it on her own. You don't owe her that.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

strugglinghusband said:


> Read A/R's newbies link..will help you.


Same link is in my signature below. says 4 noobs. 

to the person posting this, you are about to be taken for a ride. things are not as the appear.

Rule #1: If she's talking, She is lying. What makes it tricky, is that many of the lies she's telling are to herself.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are deploying. Are you in the military? I have over 38 years in the military. The military looks at you as either married or not married, there is no such thing as being separated in the military. You will be obligated, legally, to provide her with your BAH. That is by regulation. Anything above that will have to have a court order. 

This does not make sense. You worked things out? Yet you are separating. Separation will end your marriage (IMO).

Talk to a JAG if you are in the military. This will become real messy once you leave. It will not get easier.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Hey guys. Im in need of really good advice. April 17 was Dday for me and the past month and a half has been horrible for me. My wife and i talked it out around the mid May to actually discuss what had happened. She lied and had an EA with a co-worker. At first i wanted to give up but it just felt wrong so i wanted to fight for this marriage. We worked things out and i went to counseling to work on me. This whole situation made me realize that i was controlling, jealous and co-dependent. My wife knows that i hate the OM just because of what i have gone through but i have this feeling that she is hiding information from me. I caught her lying to me again about the OM. She erases the OM text messages immediately and they went to lunch atleast 3 times and she tried to hide it from me.
> 
> Mid-May i agreed to a seperation but it will start in Aug when i deploy. She doesnt have that much money to get her own place and she doesnt want to live in the house that i bought her. So she wants me pay her rent for 6 months until she can support herself. I just have that feeling that she is just trying to be nice until i leave then she can do whatever she wants. I feel like im getting screwed over.
> 
> ...


So your wife is in an EA. The blame has been shifted to you. There has been history re-writing. You are jealous, insecure and controlling because you don't want your wife bonding with another man. You do not want her to unbond with you. You do not want her to cake eat. You are the primary bread winner. So she wants to be able to continue her affair without you controlling her. She wants to be able to take this to a PA at her apartment. This is called Isolation. 

To work on the marriage the affair must be killed. Do not accept the blame for her affair. She owns it. Do not give her space for the affair. Do not accept her moving out to take it to the next level. Get a lawyer. You will have to be prepared to divorce her if you want to keep her. Do not settle for separation. In your case that is just continuing in and open marriage. You need to let her know that living in an open marriage is unacceptable to you and you will not enable it.

Expose the affair. If she still works with him she must quit her job. If she will not quit contact HR with the affair. You will be told to gather evidence first before contacting them. She must go total NC with him and go through withdrawal before she can work on the marriage.

I find blaming the BS for this abusive. You have every right to be jealous. Jealousy is not always bad. In your case you realize her relationship with the OM is bad for your realtionship with her. She is cheating on you. You are dependent on her. She is your wife. It is natural for a man to want to intervene with their wifes affair so want to control is normal. We realize that we cannot control other people but we can control ourselves and our boundaries. So you should not accept this situation.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Thanks for the input guys. She told me that this seperation is to make our marriage stronger. She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right. Currently she likes to act like the EA never happened. We still sleep together, cuddle and kiss each other just like before all this happened. Reason why it is so hard for me to make a decision. I tried doing the 180 but i failed. Im miserable and i hate feeling like this but i am too weak. After reading everyones post it makes sense what you guys are telling me, and im getting sooo mad at myself for not being able to make up my mind. Im am so confused!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Thanks for the input guys. She told me that this seperation is to make our marriage stronger. She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right. Currently she likes to act like the EA never happened. We still sleep together, cuddle and kiss each other just like before all this happened. Reason why it is so hard for me to make a decision. I tried doing the 180 but i failed. Im miserable and i hate feeling like this but i am too weak. After reading everyones post it makes sense what you guys are telling me, and im getting sooo mad at myself for not being able to make up my mind. Im am so confused!


I'm sorry man. Your getting managed / played, and she is lying.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

I am sorry to hear about your situation. In addition to what everyone else has said, which is on the money, I would offer the following suggestions:

Consult a divorce attorney now. With her in an EA and you leaving, the marriage is going to end as sure as the sun is going to set tonight. You are probably better off filing for divorce before you leave so debts she incurs after you are gone are hers and hers alone.

Separate your finances now.

DO NOT give your wife power of attorney for when you are gone. If I were in your shoes, I would give power of attorney to a homeless guy before I would give it to my wife.

Consider changing your will and SGLI so it goes into a Revocable Trust for the benefit of your daughter if you can do so. Choose someone other than your wife as trustee.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She told me that this seperation is to make our marriage stronger.
> 
> She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right.
> 
> i am too weak.


Bullsh!t on all of these counts.

She is lying about making the marriage stronger.

She doesn't think the divorce is right because she wants your money.

You are only as weak as you allow yourself to think you are.



Here is your OPORDER:

Adjust your personal headspace and timing.

Reorient your azimuth.

Ruck Up.

Move out smartly on a new heading- away from her.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Thanks for the input guys. She told me that this seperation is to make our marriage stronger. She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right. Currently she likes to act like the EA never happened. We still sleep together, cuddle and kiss each other just like before all this happened. Reason why it is so hard for me to make a decision. I tried doing the 180 but i failed. Im miserable and i hate feeling like this but i am too weak. After reading everyones post it makes sense what you guys are telling me, and im getting sooo mad at myself for not being able to make up my mind. Im am so confused!


There are WSs who think having an affair makes their marriage stronger. She wants to rug sweep. Realize that she is in an affair and her integrity has been compromised. She is under the influence of very powerful brain chemicals. Think of this like a cocain addiction. Same brain chemicals unvolved.

You really need to come to grips with the fact that you have 3 people in your marriage. The real problem now is that you your wife is trying to move the OM into the second slot and you are number 3.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Thanks for the input guys. She told me that this seperation is to make our marriage stronger. She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right. Currently she likes to act like the EA never happened. We still sleep together, cuddle and kiss each other just like before all this happened. Reason why it is so hard for me to make a decision. I tried doing the 180 but i failed. Im miserable and i hate feeling like this but i am too weak. After reading everyones post it makes sense what you guys are telling me, and im getting sooo mad at myself for not being able to make up my mind. Im am so confused!




Separation for making the marriage strong.....:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


Divorce dosent feel right because OM is only interested in screwing her, not for a real relationship. You are her back up plan and meal ticket. She is playing you by being nice cuddle, kiss and sex because she knows that she is going to enjoy her life with OM when you leave the house as you will be deployed soon.

If you feel week, no one can help you because its your life and you only can lead it in the right path. Women hate beta and too nice guys, its time for you to man up and be an alpha male.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She also feels like a divorce doesnt feel right. Currently she likes to act like the EA never happened.


This is not about how she feels, its about how you feel. Tell her that at this point you simply don't hold faith in the marriage surviving so you'd rather go through with the divorce.

This removes her security blanket (YOU) out of the equation.Now she has no back up plan to fall back on.



> We still sleep together, cuddle and kiss each other just like before all this happened. Reason why it is so hard for me to make a decision.


Well stop indulging her.Ask her to move to another room. Stop cuddling her, stop kissing her and don't have sex with her. Remove your attention from her entirely( this is where you need to be strong).



> I tried doing the 180 but i failed. Im miserable and i hate feeling like this but i am too weak. After reading everyones post it makes sense what you guys are telling me, and im getting sooo mad at myself for not being able to make up my mind. Im am so confused!



I know exactly how you feel there. I've been there myself 7 years ago but i didn't know about this forum or any other at that time.(this is my first day here, damn i wish i had discovered this place years ago) 

But the thing is and i'm actually quite proud of it( so is the missus :smthumbup i did the right things that enabled my wife to end her A ( which went on for about 11 months).

That starts with making concrete decisions. Whenever you're feeling undecided or when you're in a muddle.Step back for a second weigh the pros and cons of each alternative you have and just go for one.

Do not indulge her at all. If she has something to complain just acknowledge it in a slightly condescending manner( you know, just pat her head and say atta boy) and simply remove your attention from the subject.

You shouldn't reward bad behavior on her part with cuddles and kisses.Give her the big stick. And last but not the least, do not compromise at this stage. Don't tell her that you'll change for her or any of that nonsense. Tell her you're simply uninterested in continuing this relationship and that you're merely waiting for an opportune movement to make the next move ( whatever that may be). Or better yet tell her that you're just gonna sit on your arse and drink your beer and she can do whatever it is she wants. Give her the cold shoulder dude.


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> ....
> i have this feeling that she is hiding information from me. I caught her lying to me again about the OM. She *erases the OM text messages *immediately and *they went to lunch atleast 3 times *and she tried to hide it from me.


Are you sure it was only EA?


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

akashNil said:


> Are you sure it was only EA?


not really sure and theres is no way for me to find out. I wish i can end up with some evidence linking her to having sex with the OM. That would definately make my mind up towards a D.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The only way you're going to find evidence is if you pro-actively search for it. You won't just get lucky and end up with. Turn super spy bro


----------



## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> not really sure and theres is no way for me to find out. I wish i can end up with some evidence linking her to having sex with the OM. That would definately make my mind up towards a D.


After re-reading your original post a 2-3 times, few things appear to be certain:


It was not only EA. It was EA/PA
They definitely had sex
Message deletion = objectionable text deletion = sexual text
Demand for separation = Free sex any time with OM
Demand for separation = testing the waters before D
Most funny part is she wants you to finance it. I remember my WW.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

akashNil said:


> After re-reading your original post a 2-3 times, few things appear to be certain:
> 
> 
> It was not only EA. It was EA/PA
> ...


:iagree:

This is the general pattern i believe. My fWW even went so far as to visit the solicitor with OM, reviewed my financial assets and and even how much my house was worth.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Yes, she can stay in the current home but she wants to live on her own. She said that she wants to see if she can live on her own and feel what its like.


Ummm...Seems to me if she wants to see how she does on her own, then she gets to do that *on her own*. She has a perfectly good home, but wants to assert her "independence" by asking YOU to finance a love shack for her and OM? If you do this you are not thinking clearly.

Sorry man, you need to hang up the nice guy hat, and start making practical decisions based on what's best for you and your future...she wants to remove herself from that? Okay. Now that she's talking separation there's no point in "cuddling" her back into love with you. I'd skip separation and file, it can always be stopped...but if you allow the separation you're greenlighting her plan to cheat, transition to another man, maintain moral standing amongst your family and friends ("it's okay that I'm banging OM, cuz we're separated...we're seeing other people"), rewrite the history of your marriage and trashtalk you to everyone to justify her actions, and eeeease on into a new life with you paying the bill!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She needs a place where the old neighbors won't see her sleeping with this guy. And you should be telling her you are getting a D started before you leave. The cuddling is to handle you. Most WW start giving BS plenty to keep them dumb and blind. And you already have the PA evidence, you just don't want to see it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Trust but verify. Display the snooping tools. Other wise MC - job changes - whaever you discuss there will be a waste.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

She siad that she doesnt want to live in the house because it is too big. My daughter and i wont be there and that she would just feel lonely and start missing us. And with the seperation, she said that she never had anything in her name. we have been married for 7 years and she just got a job last year. If i would of decided to leave her then she would have had nothing in her name and no money. She wants to be independent. 

Do any of these make sense? To me it seems pretty legit but i know i am not thinking clearly. Opinions please.


----------



## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

All of the clear thinkers have responded above. WAKE UP and fight for your marriage if that's what you want.

Separation = GUILT FREE NON-STOP SEX WITH OM. Everytime.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

It makes perfect sense. Why it makes sense is that a part of you is still in denial that the A(be it a PA or Ea) is happening here. I went through it myself for a few days because my fWW gave me the same script except for the no money part. 

Believe you me, the worst thing that you can do at this point is to give her a separation. 

She does not need another house or apartment to be independent or sort through her issues, the only reason she needs the apartment is to **** this guy whoever he is without the neighbours getting the front row seats to the action.

Stop being in denial mode man, she has had sex with this guy i'm sure of this, you may only have evidence that this is an EA but i for one am pretty sure that things have gotten physical.

Rather than seeing your situation in first person, look at it in the eyes of a stranger( third person). 

And lastly do not stay in the marriage for your daughter.She will adapt and i'm sure she'd rather see you being the happy and caring father that you are and furthermore it shows that you don't put up with anyone's ****.

Needless to say it really pains me that another man is in the same situation that i was in. But the best advice i can give you is to take control of the situation rather than letting things fall into place.

I wish you the best


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Sigh.... This woman is pissing me off and I haven't even met her!

No, it is crazy talk. 

The only thing that almost kind of makes sense is that she wants to be independent, and that is only in the sense that she means she wants to live the single life and scr3w someone else on your dime while you are OCONUS.

Look, if she actually wants to be independent, then she doesn't really want your BAH, Tricare, 6 months worth of rent, etc, right? Because she isn't being independent if she takes any support at all, right? 

Then why is she asking for it?

She will be just as lonely in a small place as she will be in a big place. That just makes no sense. 

She can have all the stuff she wants in her own name and live all by herself like a big girl as soon as she is single. Everything is half hers in a divorce anyway...

She wants you to pay the bill for her to go out and screw around.

If you decide to leave her, she would have nothing?.../scratching head here/ SHE IS DELIBERATELY AND CONSCIOUSLY ENGAGING IN BEHAVIOR THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO LEAVE HER!!!! 

IN FACT SHE IS TRYING TO LEAVE *YOU* AT THE SAME TIME SHE IS MAKING THAT RIDICULOUS ARGUMENT BY ASKING TO SEPARATE FROM YOU!!! 

Why even talk about formal separation when you are going to be gone for months anyway? 

Because she is looking for a free pass and an excuse to go have guilt-free and shame-free sex with other men. Did anybody mention she wants to do this while you pay for it?

What she is saying is complete and utter bullsh!t. She can't even come up with an excuse that isn't laughable.

You are understandably so close to the situation and don't want it to be the way it is that you are grasping for straws that aren't there.

I am not trying to be a jerk to you. I am genuinely concerned for your self-interests. I am trying to give you an electronic 2X4 in between the running lights to try to get you to see straight.

Right now your head is in your fourth point of contact because you are too close to the situation. You need to see this for what it really is, and it is B-A-D. 

Your situation really sucks. But you have to deal with it as it is, not as you wish it would be. We are trying to help you see it for what it is here.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am confused. Are you deploying with the military? Why would your daughter be with you and not with your wife in the big house?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

outoftheblue_1, you've been fantastic advice by everyone here. We've been where you're at. You're being manipulated at every turn. Everyone is saying that she wants the separation so she can have uninterrupted sex with the OM. 

The clock is ticking because you're deploying. Cheaters, the vast majority of the time, WILL say that their Betrayed Spouse (you) is jealous and controlling. This is standard behavior for a Wayward Spouse (WS). Its a way to guilt you into staying out of the affair.

This is a workplace affair, right? Experience on these boards has shown that NO marriage can survive a workplace affair as long as one of the affair partners still works there. There is NO way to ensure that there is No Contact (NC). And there is no way to kill an affair unless there is NC. 

Find out if the OM is married or has a girlfriend. If he is, then you need to expose the affair to her. To do this, you will have to gather evidence. It's more difficult with a workplace affair because they work together every day. But it can be done. 

Install a keylogger, or computer monitoring software on her or your computer. There are quality programs like Web Watcher, Spector Pro, or Eblaster. You will be able to intercept and monitor her online communications and get the proof you need.

You also need to buy a couple of Voice Activated Recorders (VARs). You can use velcro and install it under the drivers seat of her vehicle. Why her vehicle? Because that is one of the places that they feel secure talking to their affair partner because its so private. Here are some examples:

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+Voice+Tracer+Digital+Voice+Recorder/2596305.p?id=1218338417967&skuId=2596305

Sony ICDBX112 Digital Voice Recorder, 2GB Digital Voice Recorder, Flash Voice Recorder, Sony Digital Voice Recorder










If you employ the computer monitoring software and the VARs, you will probably get your proof shortly. Because if there's one thing about affairs, is that they are addictive. The affair partners simply cannot get enough of each other, and they WILL need to contact each other beyond work. Of course, there are some cheaters who are very experienced and won't make these obvious mistakes, but most will.

Now why would you want to employ these investigative methods? Because you need the solid proof so that you can't be gaslighted. It's obvious that you have been gaslighted, and been made to feel that you're jealous and controlling. You also need to spy so that you can provide the Other Man's Wife (OMW) the proof that she needs, otherwise she won't believe what you're telling her. 

You want to fight for your marriage? Then this is how you do it. We have laid it all out for you. You need to kill this affair. Do it now. The clock is ticking...


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

in addition to VAR's i also recommend you to get a cell phone hacking software

http://www.cellspyexposed.com

I think this is the best one in the market


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

OK folks here is a big part of his story. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/46121-new-member-need-advice.html

His wife has been given the OM money for stuff and saying she wanted to keep the house. She has been playing him for a while.

Here is an old Master Sergeant giving you a kick in your as*, Iraqi style. D her and move the hel* on with your life. You are deploying and as soon as your as* is out the door OM will be enjoying Gene Autry days, "Back in the Saddle Again". 

I can't tell you how many guys like you I have dealt with since 911. I was Active Duty running 11 Family Action Centers across our state and had to deal with the same shi+ in Iraq. Soldiers coming in my office crying about their cheating wifes. One guy had his M-16 in his mouth ready to pull the trigger when we kicked in his door - his wife notified us from home - she was watching him on Skpe and he was upset when she told him she was sleeping with his friend. Listen my friend. You are deploying. You do not need this shi* on your mind. You need to focus on your mission and your buddies and you will be a waste if you are focused on your wife cheating and believe me, OM will be in the sheets the minute you leave, based upon your comments on the other post. You can get yourself killed or others around you if your head is all messed up.

If it was up to me I would pull you from the freaken mission and keep your as* home but that is not how we do things in the military. D the wife now. The price you pay now and the misery you go through now will be worth it because the option of dealing with the shi* when you are deployed will suck worse. You will be sitting in the dirt crying and what do you do, where do you run, who do you talk to? You will be thousands of miles from home with a freaken loaded weapon.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> I just have that feeling that she is just trying to be nice until i leave then she can do whatever she wants.


Sorry for your situation,but she may already be doing whatever she wants.You seem to be concentrating more on the separation and less on whether or not her affair is over.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

have you talked to a lawyer yet ? your other thread said she wanted to live in the house, now she wants an apartment. What you don't seem to understand, is that she is just stringing you along to keep you from filing before you go. here you are talking about snuggling and cuddling when this woman told you she wants a D, an actively txed him in front of you. Even told you she want him as a roommate. Do you really believe anything has changed ?? So stop jerking off and get your behind in gear. You are the pride and backbone of this country, so show her how a our BEST walk the walk.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

To hell with her affair being over. The only way I can see this not having a bad outcome for a while, is for her to move to Cali an live with your parents until you return. That B***h is hoping to keep you while you are over there in case,,, GOD FORBID,,, the worst happen. That way she is set for life. It wouldn't surprise me if POSOM put her up to coming back to you with this in mind. As you can see, I think the worst FIRST and put nothing past people. And as for all the consideration she has shown you, you shouldn't either. Start the D Bro. PLZ, start the D. After all that has gone on, what do you think you will be thinking if you don't hear from her often. How can you be your best distracted with those throughts. Its time for you to protect yourself and your daughter. Start the D and have the lawyer put a PI on her to get proof of drug abuse.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are being played for such a fool. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She has been giving money to the OM? Don't be an idiot. See an attorney. You can always remarry. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Thank you very much guys! I will start the D. I have an appointment with the base legal office on the 13th. I also bought the divorce paperwork today. I changed my SGLI and other life insurance to my mothers name for my daughter. You guys are right, i just didnt realize until now what has been going on. I know it will be tough until i deploy but i am hoping my mind set will be different when i leave. Last thing i want is to jeopardize my friends lives because my mindset was still back home. This will be good for everyone. Once again, thank you!


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Thank you very much guys! I will start the D. I have an appointment with the base legal office on the 13th. I also bought the divorce paperwork today. I changed my SGLI and other life insurance to my mothers name for my daughter. You guys are right, i just didnt realize until now what has been going on. I know it will be tough until i deploy but i am hoping my mind set will be different when i leave. Last thing i want is to jeopardize my friends lives because my mindset was still back home. This will be good for everyone. Once again, thank you!


With 38 years of military experience thank you for what you are doing for our country. Sorry you are here. It sucks. Focus on training and getting ready. Your kid will be OK. Just get home safe.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I just read your other thread....WTF? Your WW absolutely fracking delusional. No, you do NOT have to giver her your entire VHA, only the difference between the married rate and the single rate. While you're deployed, keep the FSA for yourself, that's something she's not entitled to at all, same goes for the HFP (if you're in a area that qualifies for it). 

You haven't explained this yet, but the way you talk about your daughter, it seems that this daughter is from a different woman/marriage? Is that right?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

God Bless You Young Man and May God Bring You Home Safe.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> This whole situation made me realize that i was controlling, jealous and co-dependent..


Read my signature.
Words of wisdom.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I just read your other thread....WTF? Your WW absolutely fracking delusional. No, you do NOT have to giver her your entire VHA, only the difference between the married rate and the single rate. While you're deployed, keep the FSA for yourself, that's something she's not entitled to at all, same goes for the HFP (if you're in a area that qualifies for it).
> 
> You haven't explained this yet, but the way you talk about your daughter, it seems that this daughter is from a different woman/marriage? Is that right?


Yes, i am keeping the FSA. I always elect to get all that once my deployment is done and im back home. And im definately keeping the HFP because i think im entitled to keep it. A little something for me to spoil myself once i get back and my daughter is from her.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She siad that she doesnt want to live in the house because it is too big. My daughter and i wont be there and that she would just feel lonely and start missing us. And with the seperation, she said that she never had anything in her name. we have been married for 7 years and she just got a job last year. If i would of decided to leave her then she would have had nothing in her name and no money. She wants to be independent.
> 
> Do any of these make sense? To me it seems pretty legit but i know i am not thinking clearly. Opinions please.


Smoke screen.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You're going in the right direction now, everything starting to clear up?
How long is your tour of duty mate?


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do not pay for her sex shack.

File for divorce before you leave.

You are being used for your money.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> You're going in the right direction now, everything starting to clear up?
> How long is your tour of duty mate?


7 1/2 including training.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Never do what will help a cheater in any way continue being wayward and/or destroy the family unit!!! Whatever situation financial/exposure etc that they are afraid of or want to put off make it happen opposite their desired timetable!!!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

And to reiterate DO NOT GIVE HER POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Many men do when they deploy. That is an incredible leap of faith for sure but a man can be MIA and leave his wife in limbo in more ways than one.

In this case it would be wrong to do.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Just an update guys. I basically had a good talk with my wife. I told her what i was feeling and what i wanted. So we agreed to a D. I know she was shocked to hear it from me and i know she doesnt want one. i can tell that she is scared for her future but she is the type that has to much pride to say anything.

So... our accounts are seperate, she is going to move out, if she doesnt, she has no say to this house because i have my brother from california coming over here to take care of the house. I will be going underground, once i get to my deployed location, i will volunteer for orders to Korea for an extended long tour so i can go their quickly once i get back. 

If for some reason she wants to make this marriage work. she is welcome at my house but my bro will be keeping tabs on her. we'll see what happens but as of right now, I feel soooo good with my decision. Thank you for all of the advice.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get the divorce done, if later on she behaves herself for the good then you'll consider giving her another chance.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Just an update guys. I basically had a good talk with my wife. I told her what i was feeling and what i wanted. So we agreed to a D. I know she was shocked to hear it from me and i know she doesnt want one. i can tell that she is scared for her future but she is the type that has to much pride to say anything.
> 
> So... our accounts are seperate, she is going to move out, if she doesnt, she has no say to this house because i have my brother from california coming over here to take care of the house. I will be going underground, once i get to my deployed location, i will volunteer for orders to Korea for an extended long tour so i can go their quickly once i get back.
> 
> If for some reason she wants to make this marriage work. she is welcome at my house but my bro will be keeping tabs on her. we'll see what happens but as of right now, I feel soooo good with my decision. Thank you for all of the advice.


Thank you for your service and be safe. Now you can concentrate on your mission at hand and not have to dwell on what is going on back home. You have set her and yourself free -- if it is meant to be continued when you get back --it will happen. If not you will find happiness within yourself and also a woman who wants to be with you and who loves you.

Once again -- thank you !!


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

At least with just being married 7 years that she will not be entitled to half your military retirement.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't fall for any sort of emotional tricks or blackmail. Your wife is hopeless. She cheated on you in your house and made the OM babysit your daughter. Then she was a sugar mommy to the OM. Proceed with the divorce. 

And don't be surprised if she comes back crying and begging in a a month.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

Hey guys, i am in need of some more advice. I placed a VAR under her seat and she went out last night. Half of her story was true but she lied about the OM again. I confronted her this morning and i asked her again to let me know what she did last night. I also warned her that i do not want to call her out on any of her lies. 

So... she told me the truth and i honestly can tell that it was the truth. All the missing money from my accounts, all the times she deleted his calls and texts, all the times they hung out together, is because he knows the source for buying cocaine. She never really cheated or had an affair. It was all a cover up to use cocaine. All the dots started connecting. The bloody q-tip, her finger nails losing color and shape, and her skin is getting bad. She started using 2-3 months ago and it is in the time frame that all this happened. Im a cop and that is the reason that the OM was always trying to avoid because he was scared of me finding out and pulling a few strings. 

When the wife told me all this she had that relief of me knowing the big secret. She even gave me a sincere hug and apologized for making me think that she cheated. She was just scared that i bust them for their drugs and ruin their careers. I can somewhat understand her drug use because i went through that too. It was a fun recreational thing when i was younger. 

What do you guys think. She still knows im filing for divorce but for some reason i had a change of heart. I still love her ofcourse and she agreed to go to counseling with me from now on.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have her take a drug test ASAP, you have a golden opportunity for a sole child custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Infidelity is not just your wife sleeping with another man, it is about lying and deceiving you for her benefit and somebody else's.


----------



## I R Baboon (Jun 8, 2012)

I think you should still push for divorce, but check her into rehab

Keko's right( mate you are one brutal SOB, I love it) This is like the mother of all opportunities for getting sole custody of the kids.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You have a child right, who do you think is the next person be like your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> Hey guys, i am in need of some more advice. I placed a VAR under her seat and she went out last night. Half of her story was true but she lied about the OM again. I confronted her this morning and i asked her again to let me know what she did last night. I also warned her that i do not want to call her out on any of her lies.
> 
> So... she told me the truth and i honestly can tell that it was the truth. All the missing money from my accounts, all the times she deleted his calls and texts, all the times they hung out together, is because he knows the source for buying cocaine. She never really cheated or had an affair. It was all a cover up to use cocaine. All the dots started connecting. The bloody q-tip, her finger nails losing color and shape, and her skin is getting bad. She started using 2-3 months ago and it is in the time frame that all this happened. Im a cop and that is the reason that the OM was always trying to avoid because he was scared of me finding out and pulling a few strings.
> 
> ...


I think that she may be doing drugs -- but she has the opportunity to tell you do the last 3 months and even a few days ago when you told her you want a divorce. I think this is just "too convient" that she was with OM and you told her a few days ago you want to divoce. My feeling is that she doesn't want the money train to end. You can still divorce -- and help her "IF" she goes to counseling -- and reconnect when you get back. My take is that you should just cut the ties with her before you leave in order to concentrate on your mission. When you get back you never know what will happen.

Good luck !!


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Don't fall for any sort of emotional tricks or blackmail. Your wife is hopeless. She cheated on you in your house and made the OM babysit your daughter. Then she was a sugar mommy to the OM. Proceed with the divorce.
> 
> And don't be surprised if she comes back crying and begging in a a month.


Here was this prediction from warlock !!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't for once think that your life is going to be easier because she's a druggie and not a cheater. Divorce her and move on.

BTW, druggies are quick to use their bodies for payment in lieu of cash so she might also be a cheater.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> So... she told me the truth and i honestly can tell that it was the truth. All the missing money from my accounts, all the times she deleted his calls and texts, all the times they hung out together, is because he knows the source for buying cocaine. She never really cheated or had an affair. It was all a cover up to use cocaine. All the dots started connecting. The bloody q-tip, her finger nails losing color and shape, and her skin is getting bad. She started using 2-3 months ago and it is in the time frame that all this happened. Im a cop and that is the reason that the OM was always trying to avoid because he was scared of me finding out and pulling a few strings.


Another sigh..................... And another E 2X4 coming at you.

No. It is not the truth. 

"The truth" means the WHOLE truth.

Does this story really make any sense to you? 

She lied about having an affair (a worse thing and usually an instant dealbreaker) to hide an addiction (a less worse thing and not necessarily an instant dealbreaker.)

I would buy she is using cocaine. But she is trying to gain your sympathy and cover for her relationship with another man by claiming cocaine is all it is.

Bullsh!t.

Are you familiar with behavior of cocaine users? If anything cocaine use together means that they were (and are) probably having sex like rabbits.

She is playing you. Again. And you are falling for it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you're a cop you should able to see an admission to a lesser crime to cover up the bigger crime a mile away, guess you're too close to the situation?


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Truly, either an affair or regular drug use is an addiction, just to different chemicals.

Whatever the drug, NEVER trust an active addict. They will lie, cheat, and steal your soul if they need to to score.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> if you're a cop you should able to see an admission to a lesser crime to cover up the bigger crime a mile away, guess you're too close to the situation?


This situation is like she initially admitted to murder to avoid a burglary charge. Now that she is on the hook for the murder charge, she is saying she only committed the burglary.

If she were a suspect, and I were the investigator (which I have been many times) I now have admissions to both charges, and provable lies and contradictory statements from the suspect that hang her for both offenses. 

Any DA would take this to trial with even one small piece of corroborating evidence, and have evidence beyond a reasonable doubt to get a conviction. You have the corroborating evidence. This means that you have evidence that proves what is going on beyond a reasonable doubt.

You have a drug addicted, cheating wife. Hardly a prize catch you have on your hands. Is this what you want to keep in your life?

Listen, friend. It is your marriage, and your life. Just know what it is you are truly signing on for if you stay with her.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

She isnt and addict but just an occasional user. I know how addicts are because i was one. She only hangs out with the OM once a week and i assume thats when she buy/use. The OM only does weed but knows where to get cocaine. The reason she hid all this cocaine use from me is because she knows that i have an addictive personality and she was scared that i might want some. Im in a really good point in my career and i put on another rank next month. She didnt want me to go back to how i was before.

But i can see where you guys are coming from. I will not get a divorce yet because i would like to see her change and maybe this marriage will work out. But im still not giving her everything, like everything is normal. I am still gonna cut her off and treat her like we are divorced. I will get all the divorce paperwork filled out on my appointment on the 13th but i might hold of on filing. One chance is all im giving her, she messes it up then im filing. I might be stupid for making this decision but i feel like she deserves a chnace.

It sucks when my decision for a divorce was in full swing until this happened. So frustrating how my feelings change. any extra 2x4's?


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

[Facepalm. Beat head against wall]

File the paperwork. Nothing is going to happen on it while you are gone anyway. You can always drop it when you get back if you confirm that she has been acting like a good wife.

Do you honestly think things are going to improve when you aren't around, your child isn't around, and she has no responsibilities to moderate her behavior? 

If you don't file, you are on the hook for half of the money she blows while you are gone, and cocaine ain't cheap. [/Facepalm. Beat head against wall]


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

If she's doing cocaine then she's having sex with the OM. Cocaine is another one of those drugs like meth where you lose you inhibitions and libido goes crazy for a few hours. 

I was in the service too and got out to be with my wife. She too just saw me as a meal ticket and cheated first chance she got. Left me for a complete loser and drug addict. 

I don't know if it's the sense of entitlement or comfort in getting paid to sit around and do nothing, but there are far too many military wives who feel loneliness is a good enough excuse to cheat. That's bullsh!t!

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to get out on medical discharge for depression like I did, but it wasn't worth it. I do have mental problems and I'm glad I'm out but I miss working on a submarine. One of the coolest jobs in the world and I left that for a f*cking clingy cheater who didn't honor her half of the marriage.

America, F*CK YEAH!


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She isnt and addict but just an occasional user. I know how addicts are because i was one. She only hangs out with the OM once a week and i assume thats when she buy/use. The OM only does weed but knows where to get cocaine. The reason she hid all this cocaine use from me is because she knows that i have an addictive personality and she was scared that i might want some. Im in a really good point in my career and i put on another rank next month. She didnt want me to go back to how i was before.
> 
> But i can see where you guys are coming from. I will not get a divorce yet because i would like to see her change and maybe this marriage will work out. But im still not giving her everything, like everything is normal. I am still gonna cut her off and treat her like we are divorced. I will get all the divorce paperwork filled out on my appointment on the 13th but i might hold of on filing. One chance is all im giving her, she messes it up then im filing. I might be stupid for making this decision but i feel like she deserves a chnace.
> 
> It sucks when my decision for a divorce was in full swing until this happened. So frustrating how my feelings change. any extra 2x4's?


She was scared you might want some too? That is the most bullsh!t excuse! 

Why are you defending her? You caught her cheating, you caught her using cocaine, she's lied and attempted to gaslight you non stop so you'll enable her to go underground and not lose you.

You need to push her out the door and let her lose everything. If you read some of the stories in the addiction thread you'll see the stbx's get treatment almost immediately when they've lost their family, there job, and have nowhere else to go. I have read this in many books, I have seen this first hand, I have helped family members with.

Heed my advice from one service member to another. Leave her before she drains you and get back to you and your job. I know you don't want to come home to a skeleton of a wife passed out with a straw in her nose. You will see her again if you divorce, but you're going to want to see her healthy and getting help.... not sucking d!ck for another bump and passing on STDs.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> But i can see where you guys are coming from. I will not get a divorce yet because i would like to see her change and maybe this marriage will work out.


Prepare to be disappointed.

You are wasting your time and you are going to hate yourself for not pulling the trigger sooner. She is going to "blow" her second chance, no question.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

outoftheblue_1 said:


> She isnt and addict but just an occasional user. I know how addicts are because i was one. She only hangs out with the OM once a week and i assume thats when she buy/use. The OM only does weed but knows where to get cocaine.


 So she is an occasional drug user that lies to you so that she can secretly hang out with the other man (OM) and do drugs with him, and this proves that she is not in an emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair (PA) with the OM how? We all know that people high on drugs never have sex with each other right? If you believe this, I want to know what have you been smoking?



outoftheblue_1 said:


> The reason she hid all this cocaine use from me is because she knows that i have an addictive personality and she was scared that i might want some.


 So she says that she did it all for you and you are buying into it. She is using what she knows about you and your past history, and putting it into her new story so that it is more believable to you. She is pushing all the right buttons. Con artists say they can get a person to believe any story no matter how far fetched, as long as the person likes them and thus wants to believe.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No more 2x4s from me. 

Its unfortunate your kid will be the one that suffers the most.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

keko said:


> No more 2x4s from me.
> 
> Its unfortunate your kid will be the one that suffers the most.


Yeah. I'm done too. I did my absolute best to help.


----------



## outoftheblue_1 (May 12, 2012)

You guys helped me alot. The divorce is going to happen. Came home from work and just watched her sleep. Realised that I have had enough of what she put me through. She has the problem that needs fixing and screw this for waiting for a miracle. If we are meant for each other it will happen. My decision is final now!


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Are you still going to have your brother come live in the house ?? Glad to see you are sticking to the plan. let her clean herself up while you are gone. With your brother there, he can tell you if she really worked on her problem, or if she only started when it was close to time for you to come home. You should give this guy a call and le him know you are letting narco know he is a dealer. And yes he is if he gets it for her. You are a cop so you kow this. Put the fear of God in his a**. If he is so concerned for his career, he will be afraid to speak to her. As for the sex, you know coke. come on. In the beginning erotic thoughts are a BIG allure. Only until they gets deeper, does it mainly become more about the drug.


----------



## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

If you are a military man then you know the drill. You are completely capable and strong enough to do the right thing. I have a child with an ex-military man and they are very rough about divorce and marriage. Def talk to the JAG. Get those papers started and she does not want to live in your house while sleeping with another man. Clearly that is the only honorable thing she is trying to do. Do not pay for their love-nest. Be smart and be brave. Leaving a cheater should be easier than being shot at by the enemy... Thank you for your service but be advised a real military wife is not as weak as she is displaying. You need a real wife...lol.
Good sex and cuddling is not hard to find. You have been cuddling with a person who is already kissing you while planning her conquest when you are gone. That should be a mood killer for you!


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

this thread is several years old now...


----------



## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

just saw that after I posted it. oh well. wonder what happened. By the way I just read your post about catching the cheater and all the VAR tips and stuff for phones. would love to pick your brain...lol


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I know this thread is dead, but I just read it for the first time.

He made it sound like he was definitely getting a D on his last post.

He was ready to sweep this under the rug so many times. He half-heartedly decided on D. But when he found that it was just drug use and not "cheating" he started to back peddle on D.

Then he said that he watched her as she slept and that's when he decided he was going to D her, again. For good. I ain't buying it.

I'll bet she talked him in to waiting until after his deployment was done. To give her a chance to prove that she's worth staying with. I'll also bet that he fell for it.

I don't think that he was ever planning on getting a D. He seemed like the kind of guy that would need concrete proof(not just red flags) before he would D this woman. And he only got proof of drug use and steeling money.

The most likely scenario that I see here is, he agreed to wait until he got back for the D. She promised to work on her self and he wouldn't be sorry when he came back home.

Then, old habits die hard and she's alone for a year. She runs into, or the drug dealer/OM comes calling. She can't fight the urge because she misses her Husband and she misses "coke". Her Husband won't home for months, but the "coke" is knocking on her door. What do you think she did?..

I'm guessing she started out small. Then her Husband had a chance to go over his bank accounts(from afar), etc. and one day he started to notice some cash withdrawals he didn't understand(or understood all to well).

He contacts her the first chance he's able and starts asking questions. She already has a story for each withdrawal ready and gives him the story.

He then either makes it harder for her to get the money, or she realizes she has to get the money another way... "Another way".

She may not have the money to buy the coke anymore, but she does have something to trade... She may even try to convince herself and anyone who knows that this guy is a love interest. It will work for a while, but eventually, sooner or later, one day. - She wakes up and realizes that she now a "coke wh0re". I know because I lived it.

If he was smart, he had his Brother keep tabs one her. Then when he saw that she was meeting guys for coke and maybe more - He hired a PI and got the concrete proof that he so desperately needed.


----------

