# a burden to my partner



## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

My partner of 3 years had just admitted that he cant cope with my health problems.

I am 7 mnths pregnant with my 3rd child. I have bad asthma, been diagnosed with a leg clot and have diabetes.

These ailments on top of the pregnancy is hard to bear most days. I have trips back and forth to a long distance hospital twice a week and have been hospitalised too.

This has a tremendous burden on my family especially my partner.

My midwife has told me to be aware of chest pains incase I get a pulmonary embolism which can be quite serious.

Last night I took chest pains and felt faint( which passed. I told my partner I was scared and thought I might have to call an ambulance. He continued to watch the TV and didnt speak. When the pains passed I asked him why he didnt reply - he said he thought I was overreacting and doesnt like to hear about my health problems beacuase they are always negative.

I felt so saddened. To be honest I am quite frightened because I watch my critiacally ill father pass away a few month ago with a long standing illness and I have never been so scared of my own death and what will happen to my children.

We argued and I sent him to his parents. I have never felt such saddness in this relationship before


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am so sorry you are dealing with such an uncaring man. Why are you still with him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband has a major health problem too. His ass has migrated up to the top of his head.

Having said that, I'm sure it is stressful for him too. Is there any way for BOTH of you to get some relief? A nurse at home? 

Was he on-board with the idea of a third child?

C


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## Fae (Feb 18, 2014)

It must be a worrying time for him as well, but that does not excuse his behavior! Have you thought about counseling for the both of you? It might help air ill-feelings? If you get along well with his parents it might be worth speaking to them and see if they can offer assistance. They may be able to take the other two children for a short time so that you and your husband can spend some alone time together, to try and rekindle a loving relationship before the next child is born. I hope you manage to get things back on track!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you ever have time for him? Three years together and 3 kids? I can't imagine he felt he signed up for that. Not that I'm blaming you, just trying to get you to see his side. How old are you two?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If he was the one pregnant, with blood clots, diabetes, and asthma he would not doubt see it differently. It can be hard and exhausting when a partner has chronic health problems, no fault of yours. It's just the facts. He's overwhelmed and so are you.

Does he do anything to show he cares? Does he help with the kids? Do housework? 

Maybe if you have a serious talk about him getting a vasectomy or you getting your tubes tied after the birth it would help. JMO


If he has shown good qualities in the past then try to make this work.

Only you know if he is a decent man who is just overloaded at this point in time, or a selfish man who was never there for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you guys are in your 20s, odds are good it never even occurred to him that he'd be in this position right now. Likely, when he asked you to marry him, he was looking at tons of great sex, lively banter with his fun wife, going places together and having fun, hanging out with friends and other newly married couples...

And 3 years later, you are both a shadow of who you used to be. It makes sense that he would be shell-shocked.

That said, he did ask you to marry him (I assume), so he needs to accept what he has. 

Communication is the key issue here. You have feelings, he has feelings, and they both need to be addressed.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I am so sorry you are dealing with such an uncaring man. Why are you still with him?


I ask myself the same question. He has good qualities that I can live with and a few bad that I cant!


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> Your husband has a major health problem too. His ass has migrated up to the top of his head.
> 
> Having said that, I'm sure it is stressful for him too. Is there any way for BOTH of you to get some relief? A nurse at home?
> 
> ...


A nurse is something I could look in to. Yes he was delighted when he learned of the pregnancy.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> Do you ever have time for him? Three years together and 3 kids? I can't imagine he felt he signed up for that. Not that I'm blaming you, just trying to get you to see his side. How old are you two?


There is not alot of spare time for the two of us together. We are both late thirties.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

indiecat said:


> If he was the one pregnant, with blood clots, diabetes, and asthma he would not doubt see it differently. It can be hard and exhausting when a partner has chronic health problems, no fault of yours. It's just the facts. He's overwhelmed and so are you.
> 
> Does he do anything to show he cares? Does he help with the kids? Do housework?
> 
> ...


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> If you guys are in your 20s, odds are good it never even occurred to him that he'd be in this position right now. Likely, when he asked you to marry him, he was looking at tons of great sex, lively banter with his fun wife, going places together and having fun, hanging out with friends and other newly married couples...
> 
> And 3 years later, you are both a shadow of who you used to be. It makes sense that he would be shell-shocked.
> 
> ...



We are in our late thirties. Yes he asked to marry me. (A little soon I thought)


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

So he is good with the practical help? That's positive. 

Parenthood and a sick spouse would tax the patience of anyone.

Not to be sexist, but I do think that we women are better at coping with these types of stressors. 

How are you guys at communication? Can you tell him you realize it's been a heavy load for him, and that you appreciate all he does to help? Men like to feel appreciated like anyone else. 


I am hoping that this is just a rough patch for you and him. There is SO much going on, no one could be happy under these circumstances.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

familygirl said:


> I ask myself the same question. He has good qualities that I can live with and a few bad that I cant!


I don't mean that you should leave him. I am asking, because it is important for you to articulate what this relationship is doing for you. Are you staying for the children? Of what benefit is that? Are you staying because he helps take care of you? What would you do without him? These are all important questions to consider when deciding what you will do and how we can can help you with that. Think about why you are with him and try to make a list of the specific benefits of staying with him. This will help clarify your position and put things in perspective.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about setting up a 30-minute State of the Marriage discussion, once a week? Where you say how you feel things are going, share what you don't like, and promise to not jump on each other or defend yourself? Make it a safe 30 minutes where you can both learn about the other, and then go away and think about what the other said. You can then decide whether to do something about what you've learned, in a non-confrontational way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This sounds like an overwhelming situation. Could it be that you are both just overwhelmed and that things will improve once the baby is born?
Men are wired differently than women. They process emotions differently than women do, so being an emotional support can be very difficult for some men. Do you have woman friends who you are able to talk to for support? That can make a huge difference when you have women friends who are there for you.


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## Jasonsquires (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi Familygirl,

Your first post was in December and you mentioned you were seven months pregnant. As it's February now, I'd imagine you recently gave birth or are very near to. Hopefully everything is going/has gone well with your pregnancy. 

In regards to your expressed marital concerns, I can personally attest to the difficulties of dealing with a spouse who has medical issues. My following opinions are just that, opinions, and should be taken with a grain of salt. 

That being said, it's well known men and women communicate differently. It's easy for both genders to internalize, especially men, and it sounds like your husband may be defending against the stressors or your illness by avoiding it all together. 

Avoidance is a common defense mechanism and I believe the best way to deal with it is to confront it head on. Given your present circumstances, that may be easier said than done, but when the opportunity presents itself it may prove a good idea to work on pulling out his inner feelings. 

Yes, they are there, even if they don't appear to be. I can't speak to the quality of your relationship, but just because your husband doesn't appear to care about your well being doesn't mean he actually doesn't care about your well being. It may very well be he simply does not know how to cope. 

This is not your fault, but it may become your responsibility to help fix the issue at hand. If it were me, I'd want my wife to initiate the conversation and assure me that the feelings I have are not wrong, but no matter what they are, they need to be dealt with. 

Your husband may feel bitter and angry because of your illness. He probably lashes out at you, though it's more likely he's angry at the circumstances, not you in particular. 

This is not to excuse the behavior, but she'd light on the mechanisms that drive them. Counseling is often recommended, but can be difficult to actually follow through with. 

If I had one bit of unsolicited advice it would be to seek help from those close to you and to encourage your husband to do whatever it takes to take care of himself, so he can also take care of you. 

Best of wishes and I truly hope you find resolution for your issues.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I am so sorry you are dealing with such an uncaring man. Why are you still with him?




What? He is uncaring because he is tired of it? Everyone is diff, and dealing with health issues with anyone is hard. Some people have know idea what being sickly does to the other person. Time is moving so fast. Some people just want a normal life before they get to old to enjoy it. I am not sickly but at any given moment, a tragedy can occur then you become old and full of resentment. 

To the OP, these comments are not for you. Its for the ones who think they know what's inside your hubbies heart. I hope you get better and work things out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

homedepot said:


> What? He is uncaring because he is tired of it?


He ignores her when she is afraid and in pain. She has serious medical issues and when she tells him she thinks she may need to call an ambulance, he tells her she is overreacting. That is not tired. That is uncaring.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

If that was the 1st time, sure that is not good. But speaking from experience, dealing with some one that was sickly, after the 100th time it becomes a bother. I am not even going to lie about it. It just seems like it's ok to break vows and cheat but the sickness and health part is off limits?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

homedepot said:


> If that was the 1st time, sure that is not good. But speaking from experience, dealing with some one that was sickly, after the 100th time it becomes a bother. I am not even going to lie about it. It just seems like it's ok to break vows and cheat but the sickness and health part is off limits?


I'm sure it's a bother for her too. Health problems are really difficult and trying. It's good to have a partner who loves you and has your back when those times come, because they are likely to come at some time or another for everyone. Associating the problem with the person and thinking of them as the problem person would make it a lot more frustrating.
Cheating is never okay.
Vows are not for breaking.
People get sick all the time, that's why "in sickness and in health" is in the vows.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He may be uncaring, or maybe it's burnout.

If there is no break from the problems, or at least a break from hearing about them when there_ isn't _an immediate problem, then it may be overwhelming to him. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver or feels comfortable hearing about medical problems, especially all the time.

Do you need more attention and concern than he is able to provide, OP? He may be doing the best he can, and most people aren't able to behave like saints or Mother Theresa day in and day out. Do you have any friends or family nearby who can take on some of that role? Or come over to help out so he can go out for a break?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> People get sick all the time, that's why "in sickness and in health" is in the vows.


There's a major difference between "having some flu for a few weeks and get better afterwards" and having to live with an ongoing chronic condition with no known cure, which affects many areas of life e.g. employment, leisure, social activities etc etc. I hear what you are saying, Cynthia. Women seem to be more generous when one's partner / spouse falls ill for some reason. 

To OP, if you are not getting the emotional support / love from your partner who's constantly undermining you, then it's not a great place to be with or without an illness. Instead, if you are receiving aloofness / uncaring attitude, it's bound to affect you and your well-being to the core particularly, given your chronicity of your illness, which may only get worse in a stressful household. 

You may well be better off without him in a long run. After all, if he's unable to phone for an ambulance for your chest pain, what sort of long-term harm you would end up sustaining from someone who's openly so uncaring. It sounds as if he wants to punish you by obstructing you from accessing the medical help. (It is a form of ABUSE). If someone had done that to you, then it's only you who can protect yourself. Nobody else can.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My extended family has been through many serious health issues from serious, permanent brain injury, to numerous cancers (some leading to prolonged disability and death), Alzheimer's, and more. I understand the impact of serious health conditions. Eventually people get old and sick. Many have prolonged health problems. This is to be expected.
This is one of the reasons why I take excellent care of my health.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> My extended family has been through many serious health issues from serious, permanent brain injury, to numerous cancers (some leading to prolonged disability and death), Alzheimer's, and more. I understand the impact of serious health conditions. Eventually people get old and sick. Many have prolonged health problems. This is to be expected.
> This is one of the reasons why I take excellent care of my health.


Nice to see you, CynthiaDe. It's good to read your posts. People's reaction to someone else's illness can be seriously and profoundly negative - as if the illness were your personality issue and somewhat you are responsible for making yourself ill. 

I have seen women coping with cancer whilst their spouse / BF dropping off as if cancer could be "contagious". lol One woman coping with a terminal cancer, her husband (in his 40s) never visited her in her hospital ward because he didn't want to and he was angry at her making him feel upset. There was very little empathy for his wife of 20 odd years. 

Looking at other similar examples in real time, yes there are / must be some men who would be able to support his wife living with chronic illness - but as someone else already commented, sadly, that's not always the case.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> My extended family has been through many serious health issues from serious, permanent brain injury, to numerous cancers (some leading to prolonged disability and death), Alzheimer's, and more. I understand the impact of serious health conditions. Eventually people get old and sick. Many have prolonged health problems. This is to be expected.
> This is one of the reasons why I take excellent care of my health.


With all due respect, while both are hard and painful, dealing with a spouses long term illness is NOTHING like any other family member. Even more, there is a huge difference between expecting to spend a good 20-60 years (or whatever) with someone before you hit the "sickness" part that comes with old age, when you commit to marriage. You are correct, eventually it will happen to all of us. When anyone commits to spend their life with another, it WILL happen at some point. Generally speaking, people go into marriage knowing that and the lucky ones get to that point when they do hit "old-age" after spending a lifetime building/living life and making memories.

As for myself, I am 31 years old. I have been with my husband for 16 years (he is 36) and we have 2 kids. He is sick and has been getting progressively worse for years. He is on permanent disability, gets monthly blood transfusions, is on dialysis at night and went into the hospital on August 5th with pain in his hip. He got out on September 3rd... one week after he got his 2nd full hip replacement. He can barely move, let alone drive or help with the kids or anything. He has also had, for about 2 years, this so far inexplicable extreme pain in his stomach when his adrenaline rises. Which means things such as carrying groceries, stress, or SEX leaves him rolling on the floor in pain for 20 minutes and usually getting sick. Now I still got sex, because he will recover and come back, but it isn't the same.

It may sound like it is easy if you really love someone... it isn't. It is even harder. I can't always control how I feel. I would love to be like the wives I see at the hospital (usually old) that just sit there knitting beside their husband while he sleeps every second he is there. But I can't do that. I don't have the choice of missing work because I am our only income. I have to get the kids ready for school, I come home cook them supper, clean and still have to find time to visit him in the hospital. When he is at home, I am still the provider, the muscle, the cleaner, and the mother. I can't ask for his help because he CAN'T help me. When I tell him how I feel, it makes him feel bad for something he can't control and in turns makes me feel horrible for saying it. When I tell anyone else how I feel, they generally think like you, "how could you be so heartless towards your spouse". 

I know that I will never understand what he goes through on a daily basis. That does not mean that it isn't just as hard for me (in different ways) on a daily basis. I am only 31 years old. I am married to a wonderful man who, through no choice of his own, can not provide me with sexual, emotional, physical or financial support. The reason I am still here and living this life with him is BECAUSE I love him so much. Loving someone who is sick does NOT turn off your natural needs. And not being able to turn off your biological needs does not mean you don't love someone. Loving someone who is sick is to make the daily choice to go unfufilled in every way to support the person that you love in THEIR fight. 

I would be 100% lying if I said I didn't get angry. If I said that sometimes I just don't want to care. That, sometimes, I just feel and act 100% selfish. I can say without doubt that I've definately reacted to some situations the same as OP's husband. That does NOT mean that I don't love him with all my heart. People can only deal with so much. I live my life alone in a lot of respects. I don't get the same support when I get sick. The kids still have to go places, we still need money, and my husband can't get magically better to be there for me. I have to get up and do everything anyways. My husband had no choice in his being hospitalized 2 week before I gave birth to our 2nd child and being released 11 days after I got home with her... but doesn't change the fact that I spent the entire time ALONE. 

Trust me, no amount of judgement that you or anyone else, can place on the "healthy" spouse will be worse than what they place on themselves. The bitterness, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc that we feel is as real as any spouse would be in a marriage where their needs were not being met. The difference is that our spouses are not CHOOSING to not meet them, they just don't have a choice. The fact that it is not a choice doesn't make me want any less to be fulfilled in all the ways that I can't be now. I live an empty life BECAUSE I love my husband and I want to support this man who is an amazing person and father. 

But it is not easy. I appreciate that people with absolutely zero first hand knowledge of what its like can sit there and draw a black and white line between the actions of someone who cares and someone who doesn't, but its nothing but talk. Its like everything else in life... everyone can tell you what they would do IF they were in a certain situation... very rarely does it work like that. It is EXTREMELY overwhelming. And I, for one, look at the ONE incident that we were given by OP as an act of defiance in the face of something that is scary... not an "I don't give a sh** action". It might seem completely ridiculous to others, it was no doubt hurtful for OP... but I can understand it in that context. It is most definately not right but I understand the feeling. It takes a conscious effort to separate the person from the illness and remember why you are there when you essentially get nothing out of... in moments when you are scared or sad or overwhelmed, the reaction sometimes comes before the thought. Its not right, no doubt, but I understand it.

This is truly nothing like any other family member... there is no soft place to land. There is no center to bring you back to yourself.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I was 17 when my husband proposed to me. He married a slim, sexy, lively girl who worked as a model. I am now 45, overweight and have more conditions than I can count on one hand. I never know how ill I will be from one day to the next and on occasions have thought of ending it all. I couldn't be more different to the person who wore that wedding dress and I sometimes feel like my husband is my carer. I have offered him the chance to get out many times and that is the only time he loses patience with me. He has been my guardian angel for the last 28 years and never shows any stress. The only time I saw just how scared he gets is when I had my heart attack and he thought he was going to lose me. Men can act dismissive when they cant cope with a situation but ultimately if you cant turn to him for support when you are at your most vulnerable then there is no point. If the roles were reversed you would look after him.


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