# Girlfriend and kids



## cantdecide

I've been divorced for several years. Met and have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. I have a 21 year old son living at home and an 18 year old daughter in college. She has a 24 year old daughter living nearby and a 17 year old daughter living at home.

My son and her older daughter know that my girlfriend and I have slept together. Our younger daughters I'm sure know but the girlfriend is very intent on hiding the fact from them. I understand to a "certain" extent. The problem though is that in the last year our kids have unknowingly been putting a strain on our relationship. Her younger daughter now finds any excuse possible not to go to her fathers house (partially her fathers fault). Her older daughter is very dependent on her mother and is at her house FREQUENTLY. My girlfriend is VERY hesitant to go out on dates with me when her younger daughter is at home (which is MOST of the time). Girlfriend does not like to be at my house because she still feels like my home has my exwifes fingerprints all over it. My son, while 21 years old, is not very social. He sits at home when he's not working and expects me to be there too. It sometimes makes me feel guilty to be gone for the day. I try not to let it get to me but..............

So, my life with my girlfriend has become watching TV or having dinner at her house one day each weekend (we live about an hour apart). We hardly ever go out. Have only been intimate once in the past 6 months. I'm trying to be patient knowing that her younger daughter will be going to college next fall (unless she changes her mind) but I'm at my wits end. I've expressed my concerns with her and she always promises that things will change soon but each time there's an opportunity either one of the kids interferes or instead of her putting her foot down, she gives in and ends up cancelling our time together or at the very least we end up with her daughters.

Not sure at this point what to do or say. Any suggestions?


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## happy as a clam

Sex one time in six months?

Why is your girlfriend so adamant that the kids (who are all adults, and the youngest is almost an adult) not know that you've slept together? For crying out loud, you've been in this relationship for 3 years. Adults in relationships have sex. Kids aren't stupid.

The fact that your GF makes no time for you and won't have sex with you indicates it's really not much of a relationship at all.

Maybe it's time to part ways.

One more thing... Why do you feel responsible for entertaining your grown son while he sits home all day? The kids all seem far too dependent on you and your GF, and you both allow it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantdecide

My girlfriend grew up with very strict values. He parents are still alive and well. She would die if her parents found out that we had sex. It's the way she was brought up and it's the values she's tried to instill in her daughters. And that's fine but when your kids are adults they need to understand that adults have needs. It's not like we'd flaunt it in front of them...........

She'll spend time with me but it seems that it's always with her daughters present.

And no, I don't feel responsible for entertaining my son. I feel guilty at times leaving when he's at home and I'm spending the day away. Doesn't stop me though. It has a lot to do with his mother pretty much abandoning him when we divorced. He chose to live with me and she held it against him.

And yes, her daughters are FAR too dependent on her.

Yes, I've been contemplating parting ways with her if things don't change VERY soon. I've been telling her that we need to get away for a long weekend together. She has a busy September coming up and can't until after then. I keep asking for a weekend so I can plan something and I keep getting stonewalled.


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## Tobin

cantdecide said:


> My girlfriend grew up with very strict values. He parents are still alive and well. She would die if her parents found out that we had sex.



That's ridiculous. She's ridiculous and unreasonable, she's acting like a child trying to continue to win the approval of her parents. 

Either she grows up or you grow out of her.

I know what I'd do.


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## NobodySpecial

cantdecide said:


> My girlfriend grew up with very strict values. He parents are still alive and well. She would die if her parents found out that we had sex.


That is completely infantile. Ask your girlfriend to grow up. Grow a pair. Or get out. My opinion.


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## SecondTime'Round

cantdecide said:


> My girlfriend grew up with very strict values. He parents are still alive and well. She would die if her parents found out that we had sex. It's the way she was brought up and it's the values she's tried to instill in her daughters. And that's fine but when your kids are adults they need to understand that adults have needs. It's not like we'd flaunt it in front of them...........


I'm sure her parents have figured it out by now.

But, if not, maybe you should find someone whose values regarding this are more aligned with yours.

Or marry her.

When you go there and hang out and watch TV on a Saturday night, do you drive an hour home afterwards?


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## cantdecide

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm sure her parents have figured it out by now.
> 
> But, if not, maybe you should find someone whose values regarding this are more aligned with yours.
> 
> Or marry her.
> 
> When you go there and hang out and watch TV on a Saturday night, do you drive an hour home afterwards?


Yup, hour there and an hour home.

Not to the marrying point yet. If it happens it'll be after her youngest goes to school and my son moves out.


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## cantdecide

Funny, I've been thinking about posting about this for some time. Right after I do I get a text from her that says she's sending her youngest to her older daughters house for the weekend (or part of it). And she's also given me a weekend that we can go away.

I guess my frustration was starting to show.


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## Satya

There are strict values... Then there are strict values in the real world. 

Are you two in High School? No? Could have fooled me. 

Tons of posts here about women's inhibitions when it comes to sex... Well here we have a prime example of how to inhibit kids... Lead them to think that adults don't have sex. /smh

I'm sure the girls know what's going on. Your gf needs to help get your relationship off life support. It seems you're not sexually compatible... So I'd say, don't wait while she figures out her September. The younger going away to college is temporary. You need a permanent solution.


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## Hardtohandle

My boys are 15 and 10.. They both know I sleep over my GF house.. My Youngest has been over the GF house and slept over with me in the same home..

Your 21 year old makes you feel bad ? WTF... 

Dude cut the fvcking apron strings on him.. That is totally your fault here.. 

My GF has a 12 year old and a 4 year old.. Her issues is she does not know how to put them in their beds.. So they sleep with her.. Granted the 12 year old does understand that I might sleep over and when I do, she is sleeping in her own bed and not moms bed.. So even this 12 year old gets it.. 

My 15 year old knows pretty much I am fvcking the GF when I go over.. I am positive of it.. 

I had a friend of mine in a similar relationship issue.. After 4 years it just fell apart after too much resentment.. She tried to recover and make everything open after they broke up and got back together, but it was never the same.. It dragged on and just fell apart after a vacation together with the kids..

I have learned that there needs to be very clear understanding between the both of you and your kids.. 

I mean really her 17 year old has to be playing with herself in the shower at least.. 

She doesn't know about sex ? Come on...

The both of you need to cut some apron strings here.. Again my relationship is not perfect by a long stretch.. 

But 6 months of no FVCKING ?? Call me immature.. Call me a baby.. Call me selfish.. I could not handle 5 days away on vacation that I needed to have phone sex and crank it out with the GF.. When I got home from vacation I went over at 1 AM to have a piece of the real deal.. Mind you I told my kids in advance I was going over the GF house when I came home to see her.. 

How the hell do you last 6 months..

Again the both of your kids are too dam old to be causing you such bullsh!t nonsense and this whole keeping this sh!t a secret from the kids is utter bullsh!t as well.. 

Fix this bullsh!t A.S.A.P. 

You love me ? 

Good because I love you and cannot see myself with anyone else but you.. But please for the sake of our relationship follow my lead on this one..


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## cantdecide

Hardtohandle said:


> My boys are 15 and 10.. They both know I sleep over my GF house.. My Youngest has been over the GF house and slept over with me in the same home..
> 
> Your 21 year old makes you feel bad ? WTF...
> 
> Dude cut the fvcking apron strings on him.. That is totally your fault here..
> 
> My GF has a 12 year old and a 4 year old.. Her issues is she does not know how to put them in their beds.. So they sleep with her.. Granted the 12 year old does understand that I might sleep over and when I do, she is sleeping in her own bed and not moms bed.. So even this 12 year old gets it..
> 
> My 15 year old knows pretty much I am fvcking the GF when I go over.. I am positive of it..
> 
> I had a friend of mine in a similar relationship issue.. After 4 years it just fell apart after too much resentment.. She tried to recover and make everything open after they broke up and got back together, but it was never the same.. It dragged on and just fell apart after a vacation together with the kids..
> 
> I have learned that there needs to be very clear understanding between the both of you and your kids..
> 
> I mean really her 17 year old has to be playing with herself in the shower at least..
> 
> She doesn't know about sex ? Come on...
> 
> The both of you need to cut some apron strings here.. Again my relationship is not perfect by a long stretch..
> 
> But 6 months of no FVCKING ?? Call me immature.. Call me a baby.. Call me selfish.. I could not handle 5 days away on vacation that I needed to have phone sex and crank it out with the GF.. When I got home from vacation I went over at 1 AM to have a piece of the real deal.. Mind you I told my kids in advance I was going over the GF house when I came home to see her..
> 
> How the hell do you last 6 months..
> 
> Again the both of your kids are too dam old to be causing you such bullsh!t nonsense and this whole keeping this sh!t a secret from the kids is utter bullsh!t as well..
> 
> Fix this bullsh!t A.S.A.P.
> 
> You love me ?
> 
> Good because I love you and cannot see myself with anyone else but you.. But please for the sake of our relationship follow my lead on this one..


LOL !!!

Yeah, her 17 year old daughter DOES know about sex. My girlfriend won't believe that but I've heard thru the grapevine...........

And to be clear, I'm not keeping anything a secret. I really don't give a rats A$$ if her kids, her parents or my kids know. 

Things didn't start out this way. We started dating and I'd leave my son at home, my daughter was at her mothers, girlfriends oldest was away at school and her youngest was at her fathers. Over the time we've dated things slowly changed. My son left school after this spring semester, her youngest very rarely goes to her fathers and her oldest comes over more now than ever. I tried to be a little patient and respectful of her wishes but things have gotten worse. I've gotten to the point of only seeing her briefly on the weekends now because I know we won't be alone.

Think I have some talking to do with her this weekend. Either things need to change fast and dramatic or..........they'll change fast and dramatic.


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## Holland

Wow that is one time waster of a relationship you have going on there. Don't get married after the kids have all left because most likely it won't change your sexual relationship anyway, you are going to live a life of forced celibacy.

Sorry but we have a blended family with 5 teens, some days we have all, none or some of them at home, regardless we still have a very active and healthy sex life.


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## Hardtohandle

cantdecide said:


> LOL !!!
> 
> Yeah, her 17 year old daughter DOES know about sex. My girlfriend won't believe that but I've heard thru the grapevine...........
> 
> And to be clear, I'm not keeping anything a secret. I really don't give a rats A$$ if her kids, her parents or my kids know.
> 
> Things didn't start out this way. We started dating and I'd leave me son at home, my daughter was at her mothers, girlfriends oldest was away at school and her youngest was at her fathers. Over the time we've dated things slowly changed. My son left school after this spring semester, her youngest very rarely goes to her fathers and her oldest comes over more now than ever. I tried to be a little patient and respectful of her wishes but things have gotten worse. I've gotten to the point of only seeing her briefly on the weekends now because I know we won't be alone.
> 
> Think I have some talking to do with her this weekend. Either things need to change fast and dramatic or..........they'll change fast and dramatic.


If you read my thread in my signature, I went through some issues as well. But we did have the weekends.. My issue was that I would sleep over twice during the week and then that fell only to weekends.. Which even though we have the weekends alone, to me I felt we were going backwards.. Plus other issues caused a break up.. But we ironed stuff out and I think we are in a better place now.. 

But I had a friend in a similar situation and he never really addressed it or had a real heart to heart with the GF... I don't think he wanted to be committed either to be honest.. So it fell apart.. 

I think for me I can say or at least believe from what the GF says.. She wants to spend the rest of her life with me and loves me.. So that makes us work at the relationship because I want the same..


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## happy as a clam

Your GF sounds a bit kooky... does she honestly believe that her 17-year-old daughter knows nothing about sex? In general? That's completely irresponsible parenting, IMHO.

Parents should be talking to their kids about sex from a very young age, and onwards (age appropriate, of course). If her teenage daughter ends up getting knocked up due to lack of information, your GF will wish she had done a better job with the sex education.

My SO and I (not married) live together. My 21 and 18 year old kids stay with us all the time. And no one is uncomfortable at all. Nothing is secretive, nor should it be.


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## life_huppens

I think the way you describe this situation, might not get better. Do you know the reason why she divorced?
She is a grown woman with kids, tight upbringing does not equate to no sex. There must be more to it.
I would get out of this.


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## cantdecide

happy as a clam said:


> Your GF sounds a bit kooky... does she honestly believe that her 17-year-old daughter knows nothing about sex? In general? That's completely irresponsible parenting, IMHO.
> 
> Parents should be talking to their kids about sex from a very young age, and onwards (age appropriate, of course). If her teenage daughter ends up getting knocked up due to lack of information, your GF will wish she had done a better job with the sex education.
> 
> My SO and I (not married) live together. My 21 and 18 year old kids stay with us all the time. And no one is uncomfortable at all. Nothing is secretive, nor should it be.


I never said she didn't think her daughter didn't know about sex. She doesn't think her daughter has HAD sex. Sorry if that wasn't clear. And she talks to her daughter about sex. There's no avoidance there.


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## cantdecide

life_huppens said:


> I think the way you describe this situation, might not get better. Do you know the reason why she divorced?
> She is a grown woman with kids, tight upbringing does not equate to no sex. There must be more to it.
> I would get out of this.


She caught her first husband cheating on her. He was also a bit perverted. Liked to go out to bars and try to get her to flirt with guys. He liked to watch. She got fed up with it because he only got worse.

2nd husband was REALLY into porn, sex phone calls, drugs, alcohol, etc. She admits now that he was a rebound relationship and it never should've happened. 

The sex is just infrequent and I'm getting a bit fed up with the excuses or allowing something to get in the way. The sex is good when it does happen...........


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## happy as a clam

cantdecide said:


> I never said she didn't think her daughter didn't know about sex. She doesn't think her daughter has HAD sex. Sorry if that wasn't clear. And she talks to her daughter about sex. There's no avoidance there.


Oops! My apologies... I totally misread that statement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens

cantdecide said:


> She caught her first husband cheating on her. He was also a bit perverted. Liked to go out to bars and try to get her to flirt with guys. He liked to watch. She got fed up with it because he only got worse.
> 
> 2nd husband was REALLY into porn, sex phone calls, drugs, alcohol, etc. She admits now that he was a rebound relationship and it never should've happened.
> 
> The sex is just infrequent and I'm getting a bit fed up with the excuses or allowing something to get in the way. The sex is good when it does happen...........


It could be she is cautious this time, but this is a bit extreme.


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## cantdecide

And the saga continues..................her daughter was supposed to go to her fathers this weekend and I was going to spend my time at her house. Just received a call that her daughter is NOT going to her fathers but I can come spend the night on the sofa. Much to her dismay, I declined and the conversation ended quickly after I told her that she needed to stop this nonsense.


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## Mrs.Submission

A few thoughts:

-Your son isn't a young child or even a teenager. He's an ADULT. Why don't you treat him like one? 
-Your girlfriend is clearly damaged by her childhood and needs therapy. Treating sex like a terrible secret is bound to lead to sexual issues in her children. Her kids are adolescents after all.
-It seems like both you and your girlfriend still feel guilty about your divorces; the guilt is causing you to infantalize your children. 
-This is an unhealthy situation for everyone involved.


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## MEM2020

The next time you see her needs to be when the two of you go away for a weekend. 

And I would make no effort to see her, at all, until that happens.

And no offense, but just because the sex is good for you, doesn't mean it's important to her. 

My guess is that sexual starvation is a strategy she's using to extract a proposal from you. Be very, very careful about that. Not sure she will prioritize you any higher even with a ring on her finger. 




cantdecide said:


> And the saga continues..................her daughter was supposed to go to her fathers this weekend and I was going to spend my time at her house. Just received a call that her daughter is NOT going to her fathers but I can come spend the night on the sofa. Much to her dismay, I declined and the conversation ended quickly after I told her that she needed to stop this nonsense.


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## Bobby5000

I SHOUT BS. Your girlfriend has hangups, etc, is not particularly interested in sex, and has latched on to this as a way of avoiding it. People better get things in the open. Three years is a while and is she angry that you have not asked her to marry you. Or is she not interested in sex and using this vague nonsense as a way of avoiding it. There needs to be some serious discussion about what is going on.


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## Anon Pink

Some one who wants to have sex will make it happen. Someone who doesn't want to have sex will allow a drop of rain to prevent it. Your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. End of story.


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## WorkingOnMe

I would get bored with this relationship very quickly. I can't really imagine continuing to drive 2 hours round trip to do nothing but sit on the couch. I'd stop suggesting I come over completely. And I'd stop accepting any invitations unless there was a more interesting plan. And of course the no sex thing is a non starter. Doesn't really matter what the excuse is.


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## Hicks

I think it's reasonable that a mother would not want to sleep with her boyfriend while her children are in the house. She has traditional values. I think it's wise to demonstrate sexual morality to her 17 year old (or any age) daughter. I also would not see it reasonable for divorced Mom to turn away her child... I don't think anything is wrong with her. Your problem is a you are expecting to be provided something that goes against both her values and her mothering instincts. This is about you making choices about what you want in life rather than forcing someone to be something they are not.


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## WorkingOnMe

I'm wondering what she even gets out of this relationship. Certainly not someone to come over and help her watch tv. It doesn't sound like she's really that into you, or even really into spending time with you not even considering the sex issue. But add that she doesn't have sex with you and that kind of seals it. So why does she stick around? Are you a good catch that she's not really attracted to but would be a good logical choice for a partner?

In any case I would suggest a conversation that sounds something like this: I understand that we all have to manage our priorities and I totally agree that your kids have to be your main priority, as my kids are my priority too. We just seem to have a lot going on right now and I think that for the time being we need to agree to not be exclusive. We don't really have a sexual relationship after all, and we don't really do things together. If you'd like to get together sometime, I'm still open to it but for now I'm going to just concentrate on going out and doing things I like to do.....don't let you claim that you actually do have a sexual relationship; once every 6 months doesn't equal that and it's not enough to justify being exclusive. Perhaps, as Hicks implies, you just have different values and you're not compatible.


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## Holland

Hicks said:


> I think it's reasonable that a mother would not want to sleep with her boyfriend while her children are in the house. She has traditional values. I think it's wise to demonstrate sexual morality to her 17 year old (or any age) daughter. I also would not see it reasonable for divorced Mom to turn away her child... I don't think anything is wrong with her. Your problem is a you are expecting to be provided something that goes against both her values and her mothering instincts. This is about you making choices about what you want in life rather than forcing someone to be something they are not.


They have been dating for 3 years. If they had been dating for 3 months then yes a parent would be more guarded in regard to having a new partner to sleep over but cmon, 3 years down the track. They are either a couple or they aren't and after 3 years it is normal to have a partner sleep over and to have a healthy sex life even when the kids are home.


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## Bobby5000

"I think it's reasonable that a mother would not want to sleep with her boyfriend while her children are in the house. She has traditional values. I think it's wise to demonstrate sexual morality to her 17 year old (or any age) daughter."

This could be true but the prior post said they hadn't had sex in six months! No woman is abstinent for a half a year without wanting this to happen (or not happen). She could have suggested a weekend at a bed and breakfast and a whole host of ways to get intimate without a problem in the same house. Add to this the issues with the first husband and however it occurred, she has dysfunctional views about sex. (she is interested in a mature relationship with her boyfriend but just does not want to have relations on any day ending with Y).


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