# People who find fault in others homes



## peacem

Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.

My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.

He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.

Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are *not* messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife :frown2:. 

I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice. :grin2:


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## MJJEAN

My sister is like that. I simply ignore it.


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## MrsAldi

Yeah, I know people like this. 
It could be a form of OCD. 
I don't think they realise in their minds that it causes offence, it comes across as rude but some can't help it. 
Try to ignore the comments. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jld

Everyone has a little different way of living. You could probably find plenty of fault with his lifestyle, too, if you wanted to.

Do you feel guilty about anything he says? Is there anything you have put off doing?

If so, let his comment be what motivates you to getting that thing done. And then shake off the rest.


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## peacem

> jld said:
> 
> 
> 
> Everyone has a little different way of living. You could probably find plenty of fault with his lifestyle, too, if you wanted to.
> 
> 
> 
> You're right I do. I think I would appreciate 'Thank you for everything' after I looked after his daughter for the weekend whilst he drunk himself into oblivion. As opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Do you feel guilty about anything he says? Is there anything you have put off doing?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No I keep onto of everything that needs doing, I'm fairly efficient, but deliberately don't want my house to be a show home. I'm relaxed about a bit of creative mess that will be cleaned up by the end of the day.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If so, let his comment be what motivates you to getting that thing done. And then shake off the rest.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Thinking about it, it actually triggers feelings from childhood when he would always be criticising me as a kid (he is a lot older than me). He would do the usual teasing but would also try and shame me in front of people. I remember he brought a girlfriend home to meet us when I was very young, I fell down the stairs and he got very angry at me for showing him up. He was that kind of sibling, a bit of a bully I suppose. I think he gets ashamed very easily and I pick up on it and feel anxious.
Click to expand...


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## jld

peacem said:


> Thinking about it, it actually triggers feelings from childhood when he would always be criticising me as a kid (he is a lot older than me). He would do the usual teasing but would also try and shame me in front of people. I remember he brought a girlfriend home to meet us when I was very young, I fell down the stairs and he got very angry at me for showing him up. He was that kind of sibling, a bit of a bully I suppose. I think he gets ashamed very easily and I pick up on it and feel anxious.


Bullying from older siblings is, sadly, pretty common. I am sorry he treated you that way. 

How do you think you could learn to shake off the anxiety he provokes in you?


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## Hopeful Cynic

peacem said:


> My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.
> 
> He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.
> 
> Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are *not* messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife :frown2:.
> 
> I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice. :grin2:


Some people can only boost their self-esteem in comparison to other people. If he wants to feel good about himself, he HAS to make himself feel superior to you. So he finds opportunities for criticism and convinces himself he would never behave the way you do. It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with himself. It's probably a bit worse with you, a relative, over some stranger, because you reflect a little on himself. He's worried his new wife is going to think because he was raised in the same home as you, he'll be as messy as you. So he has to be critical in a double attempt to make himself look/feel better.

Glad to hear you're giving his niece a better perspective. I hope he's not as critical of her!


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## peacem

jld said:


> Bullying from older siblings is, sadly, pretty common. I am sorry he treated you that way.
> 
> How do you think you could learn to shake off the anxiety he provokes in you?


Just a talking to my H about this particular situation, although I think he feels some weird shame around his family, his daughter really, really loves being with us. The first thing she does is visit her grandparents and the second thing she does is call me to catch up. She brought her art homework to do at the kitchen table because she is not allowed to do it at her dads house in case she makes a mess. She spilled a tiny amount of juice at the table and I heard my daughter assuring her '...you won't get into trouble.' . If I am honest....I am also a bit ashamed of him. 

As an example he is someone who is always looking for others to lend him money because he never has enough for the bills (but he drinks heavily and gambles. He also buys weird things that he can't afford like an iwatch). His parenting skills are poor, but just about good enough. His daughter nearly went into care because of parental neglect of both sides, but we stepped in to support him so he could keep her. My H reminds me that it should be me that should be ashamed of him not the other way round. 

Its complicated. I just wish he would just collect her and say 'thank you'. It would be nice.


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## Satya

I agree, ignore.
I find that people who pick have too much time on their hands. It could be OCD, but it's unacceptable either way. 

Either ignore or agree and add humor. 

Boots: "Oh darn, her plan to make you trip and fall failed! I'll have to tell her to try a different tactic."

Mail: "I know, right? It's those persistent owls from Hogwarts sending niece tons of acceptance letters. We can't keep up."


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## frusdil

peacem said:


> As an example he is someone who is always looking for others to lend him money because he never has enough for the bills (but he drinks heavily and gambles. He also buys weird things that he can't afford like an iwatch). His parenting skills are poor, but just about good enough. His daughter nearly went into care because of parental neglect of both sides, but we stepped in to him so he could keep her. My H reminds me that it should be me that should be ashamed of him not the other way round.


Lol, yeah, he sure has his life together doesn't he? I'd be pointing this out ^^ to him next time he says something and telling him to shut his [email protected] mouth.

If you're too nice to say that you could try "If it bothers you so much don't come in/pick it up/clean it"

But meh, I don't pull any punches, lol.


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## MrsHolland

Doesn't help you but if one of my siblings were using me as a baby sitter then being rude about my home I would tell them to f.uck off. I'm blunt like that though.

If it was anyone other than a sibling then the message would be the same but the delivery more socially acceptable. Sorry but he is walking all over you and he will continue unless you do something to stop him.


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## arbitrator

peacem said:


> Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.
> 
> My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.
> 
> He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.
> 
> Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are *not* messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife :frown2:.
> 
> I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice. :grin2:


*I'd tell him that if he didn't particularly like it there in your abode, to not let the front door hit him in his a$$ on the way out!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

You could say " yeah, well since you've had a few, you're not the best judge of anything. ..... and I won't be keeping you. Have nice night."


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## Cosmos

I am absolutely_ fastidious_ about cleanliness, tidiness and orderliness in my own home, and don't particularly like spending lengthy periods of time in unkempt surroundings. However, I would never _dream _of showing dissapproval at someone else's home - let alone making negative comments about their housekeeping, or lack thereof.

Your brother is out of line and needs to be told how rude his comments are.


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## EllisRedding

Next time he comes over make your house look like an absolute $hit show just to f with him.

There are just some people who like to take digs at others, in part I believe to make them feel better about themselves. Don't sweat it, just do the things that you need done without worrying about what others think.


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## katiecrna

You need to stand up for yourself. Your not a doormat. You do a lot for him and you should be shown some respect and appreciation. It's your brother, you should feel comfortable saying something to him


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## snerg

peacem said:


> Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.
> 
> My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.
> 
> He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.
> 
> Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are *not* messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife :frown2:.
> 
> I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice. :grin2:


Oh me oh my Oh my oh me.

What fun you could have with this. You need to look at this as a once in a life time opportunity to have a captive audience to heckle!

Reeply to his comments with gems of your own:
"oh it must be hard to fly like an eagle when surrounded by turkeys"

Sorry, we just taught he to pick up her knuckles from the ground. Next week we are working on getting her to quit throwing her crap at people that nitpick

the mail is supposed to be like that. How else do we wipe off our muddy boots


I have a neighbor that is like this. He constantly complains about my yard. So I do things to make him absolutely mental
Cut the grass every other week so that it's long and uneven.
Don't bag the grass so it looks like I cut a field
I leave a lady's lace weed grow in in the middle of the yard every year. It gets to about 6 foot tall before he freaks out and gets rid of it.

If I were you, I would be leaving piles of books out just to scatter as soon as he got there. Maybe news papers.This would be too much fun for me thinking up different ways to make his head pop off.

I would buy 4 cinder blocks and leave them were he could see them - what are the blocks for- for the car I'm fixin' to put in the front yard. Right next to the washing machine as soon as it dies

Way too much fun to be had


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## tropicalbeachiwish

No, I don't think that I've ever had anyone complain about our housekeeping skills. We're both pretty good with keeping things neat & clean. My husband is actually probably neater than I am. He picks up after himself consistently, but I'm the one that cleans (not just picks up) more than him. So, I guess we make a good team. 

If it were someone that wasn't around a lot, I would just ignore it. But if it were someone that I was close to and they were constantly commenting, then I would speak up. Just make sure that you're not criticizing when you go over to their house.

BTW-I think it's awesome that you provide her with a safe place to hang out at.


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## Blondilocks

Tell him that if your house is so bad, then he can find another free babysitter while he & his 'new' wife get drunk.


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## She'sStillGotIt

peacem said:


> Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table.


Well, I'm sure the pub Father of the Year drinks his life away in is kept up MUCH better than that messy kitchen table of _yours_. I can see why he complains.

Why you haven't throat punched him yet is simply beyond me.


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## john117

I'm far from a neat freak but few people put in the effort to have a clean home. Generally it's clutter city, and way full with stuff. Now it's easy for me to say that because I live in a McMansion but we keep it clean, cat nonwithstanding 

For decoration... I've seen exactly one McMansion near me that matches ours in terms of taste and quality of collectibles. That doesn't make me a snob, as I don't go into rants about it but I feel it reflects the overall lack of appreciation of art when you walk into a 10,000 sq ft home that's decorated with stuff from Pier One and Target.


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## SimplyAmorous

peacem said:


> You're right I do. *I think I would appreciate 'Thank you for everything' after I looked after his daughter for the weekend whilst he drunk himself into oblivion. As opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home
> *
> No I keep onto of everything that needs doing, I'm fairly efficient, but deliberately don't want my house to be a show home. I'm relaxed about a bit of creative mess that will be cleaned up by the end of the day.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If I was in your shoes.. what you said here is EXACTLY how I would feel.. listen.. your brother isn't Mr Perfection himself .....he's out getting plastered while someone else is kind enough to watch his children, so they are safe, enjoying a decent life, spending time with family.. good for you -for being that warm example in your niece's life...
> 
> You could have your own choice words to deal with some of his vices in life, let's compare being a Partying father figure to one whose house is a little untidy ... I know I sure see one worse over the other -in spades... Who is he to open his [email protected]#...
> 
> Though I don't think you should stoop to his level.. but I would *confront him* the next time he JABS you with a comment about your house...your house is your home... I bet it doesn't bother his daughter in the least way.. so what's his issue.. lay it down.. or you will continue to back bite his words ... let him know this.
Click to expand...


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## NWCooper

I just wish he would just collect her and say 'thank you'. It would be nice. 

I would say just this to him. Not meanly or snarky, but just this. Kudos to you for making her welcome. If someone said to me they were embarrassed about the state of my home, while picking up THEIR child that I took in on a regular basis, I would tell them I was embarrassed for them on their lack of parenting. I might be tempted to ask him not to come in again and I would send his child out to him. How lucky for him that you have his child's best interests in mind.


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## heartsbeating

Have you ever stood up to your brother?

How about saying just what you wrote here, 'I would appreciate 'Thank you for looking after your daughter' as opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home - keep that to yourself. It's no longer okay.'


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## peacem

john117 said:


> I'm far from a neat freak but few people put in the effort to have a clean home. Generally it's clutter city, and way full with stuff. Now it's easy for me to say that because I live in a McMansion but we keep it clean, cat nonwithstanding
> 
> For decoration... I've seen exactly one McMansion near me that matches ours in terms of taste and quality of collectibles. That doesn't make me a snob, as I don't go into rants about it but I feel it reflects the overall lack of appreciation of art when you walk into a 10,000 sq ft home that's decorated with stuff from Pier One and Target.


John, not sure what a McMansion is but it made me chuckle all the same :grin2:. 

Brother in a nutshell: Married 3 times. First marriage ended in a lot of debt, second marriage ended and house was repossessed - he went a little crazy with his new freedom and stopped paying the mortgage. He left his only daughter with an alcoholic mother, she was physically and sexually abused by her and step-father, also neglected - they went on the run from social services when she was about to be taken into care. His teenage daughter now has mental health issues and struggles to cope with life. He picks her up on a Friday drops her off at our house (because that is where she wants to be) picks her up on Sunday and takes her back to her mothers. His life is work/drink/work/drink. He is a functioning alcoholic. Unless niece sits in the pub with him he does not spend any time with her at all. Because of repossession he made himself bankrupt which means he has no credit. He lives in a little rented house on a sink estate (drug dealers leaning against his fence, house next door boarded up, car on bricks). He doesn't have a pot to piss in and is always doing the rounds to get other people to pay for his bills (even though he always has enough for the pub). 

My life in a nutshell: Married for 21 years to same man, both started off in very low paid jobs; bought, renovated and sold houses to subsidize our income. In fact through a lot of hard work we did very well for ourselves. We found a small house in a nice street, good area, excellent school. We put all our money into building work and renovations and now have a large house and a lot of equity in it. Because of the area we did everything to a very high spec, when my daughter goes to uni next year we want to downsize so my H can retire early. Because of the money we have made in the past we have a small mortgage. When my son was diagnosed with complex learning difficulties (he's a 2 man job) my H could reduced his hours to part-time. We are able to live comfortably on a part-time wage. When my b had financial problems I tried to help him but have stopped because of his alcohol addiction, I help him by being a surrogate mother to his daughter (she wants to come and live with us full time). 

So when he visits he finds fault. Boots in the hall, craft mess on the table (from his daughter doing her homework), kitchen mess from me making cakes with the kids that sort of thing. The decoration complaint was because the last renovation job we did was the downstairs toilet which we wanted to gut - therefore no point in decorating. Because we want to do things well we decided to wait until we had saved enough money to make it nice rather than rush the job cheaply. We have other bathrooms that people can use. So whenever B visited the house he would rush to check if we had completed the downstairs loo and make a big song and dance over it. We've now finished it and it looks nice but he never said a word. 

So - the point is - I pretty sure he looks at his little annoying sister and it makes him feel bad that he has nothing and we have done very well; through hard work and being sensible. He is one step away from a park bench, it is his wife that keeps them vaguely functioning. It hurts him to see me and my sister being 'successful' and exacerbates his drinking. He judges people on stuff rather than achievements. 

Hope that makes sense.


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## peacem

Blondilocks said:


> Tell him that if your house is so bad, then he can find another free babysitter while he & his 'new' wife get drunk.


Blondi - this the issue I have. We are the only stability my niece has and we have bonded so she is like a daughter to me. She has huge abandonment issues so I will never turn her away. When I started to get fed up with the comments I offered to drive her to his house so I wouldn't have to deal with him - but then he started just turning up. I may be wrong but I think he wants to come to our house just to find fault because he feels guilty about his daughter and how things have turned out for him. I think it makes him feel better.

Its that awful sinking feeling when you wake up realising you don't like your brother very much. 

In our village he is well know because (at 52) he is the life and soul of the party. People like him because he gets trollied and makes everyone laugh. For years I went along with it, but now I am older I just think what the hell happened to you. My brother's a bum :frown2:.


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## peacem

heartsbeating said:


> Have you ever stood up to your brother?
> 
> .'


No. But my H did once and it nearly turned to fisty cuffs. So I walk on eggshells for the sake of my niece.


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## peacem

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I'm sure the pub Father of the Year drinks his life away in is kept up MUCH better than that messy kitchen table of _yours_. I can see why he complains.
> 
> Why you haven't throat punched him yet is simply beyond me.


> This made me laugh. I am not normally a violent person but I could make an exception....(just kidding but it will be my mental affirmation when I see him next :grin2


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## Mr. Nail

yes my aunts and my grandmother did this to my wife precisely one time. The first and last time they were invited to my home.


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## brooklynAnn

I have a cousin who came to visit and had a running commentary of how I keep my kitchen counter. I cook in my kitchen everyday, so things like the oil, salt and pepper, I keep by the counter right of the stove. It's easy access. She did not like that. She did not like my kitchen Aid on the counter. She did not like how I had my fruits.

Then my H had the nerve to agree with her. That was the last time she got an invite. He got a idea of what I thought of his comments and what he could do with it.


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## john117

A McMansion is generally a badly designed, ostentatious looking, poorly furnished, decorated, and landscaped property of 3500+ sq ft. 

The link below makes a lot of sense if you're a professional architect or designer but is very entertaining to read regardless, especially if you're not in the USA... 

http://www.mcmansionhell.com/


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## EllisRedding

john117 said:


> A McMansion is generally a badly designed, ostentatious looking, poorly furnished, decorated, and landscaped property of 3500+ sq ft.
> 
> The link below makes a lot of sense if you're a professional architect or designer but is very entertaining to read regardless, especially if you're not in the USA...
> 
> Welcome to McMansion Hell


I would guess as well that it would depend on the location. I don't really consider a 3500 sq ft house a McMansion, but maybe b/c those are more common where I live.


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## VermisciousKnid

Also, he feels so much guilt about being a terrible parent that he overcompensates by being critical when he appears in your home.


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## Blondilocks

john, that was an interesting read. In the last house, there is an article in the living room (the conversation piece) that is called "James, the Butler". I bought that in 1993 from the Bombay Co. store and have used it as a phone stand in my family room all these years. It's just a bit of whimsy and makes me laugh.

BTW, I have a neighbor whose dad lives in a very upscale area a few miles from us and really does have a BUTLER!


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## EllisRedding

Blondilocks said:


> john, that was an interesting read. In the last house, there is an article in the living room (the conversation piece) that is called "James, the Butler". I bought that in 1993 from the Bombay Co. store and have used it as a phone stand in my family room all these years. It's just a bit of whimsy and makes me laugh.
> 
> BTW, I have a neighbor whose dad lives in a very upscale area a few miles from us and really does have a BUTLER!


This was my Butler growing up ...


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## jb02157

My in-laws were like that, nothing I had was any good and was far off the mark from being good enough for their daughter. I just ignored them, as hard as it was to do. Just consider the source, who would pay any attention to remarks made by a drunken *******. Your niece will thank you so much for caring for her later on and I certainly commend you for that. Keep on doing what you're doing and consider the source of the stupid comments.


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## john117

EllisRedding said:


> I would guess as well that it would depend on the location. I don't really consider a 3500 sq ft house a McMansion, but maybe b/c those are more common where I live.


I don't either... More like 5,000 sq ft and 1/2 acre, here in the rust belt, but places I've lived or visited in the Pacific Northwest or New England seem to hate large houses...

There are a couple pieces from The Bombay Co. in our house too  but really, is it that hard to decorate properly? The whole house except guest bedroom is done in Danish teak furniture. There is art everywhere, as expected, but tasteful stuff. It's generally grouped by country, so there's the Italy wall, the France wall, Central America wall.... As we speak DD1 is in Venice and will get us a pair of leather masks for wall hanging... We have enough Murano glass to last us a while. Then a handmade tapestry from Tuscany, some ceramics from Umbria... 

Should make for an interesting property division agreement


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## EllisRedding

john117 said:


> I don't either... More like 5,000 sq ft and 1/2 acre, here in the rust belt, but places I've lived or visited in the Pacific Northwest or New England seem to hate large houses...


I would say by me a McMansion is probably getting closer to 10,000 sq ft on well over an acre. It may be a matter of perspective though. I don't consider my house a McMansion but I am sure others not from around would consider. The houses once you go along the coast can get pretty ridiculous.


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## john117

I think it's bad design more than anything else. We have a guy from Egypt near us, a homebuilder of all things, that moved from the West Coast. His house should be in the architecture hall of shame. 

The problem is people don't want to spend the 5-6% for an architect... Even on a big house.


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## EllisRedding

john117 said:


> I think it's bad design more than anything else. We have a guy from Egypt near us, a homebuilder of all things, that moved from the West Coast. His house should be in the architecture hall of shame.
> 
> The problem is people don't want to spend the 5-6% for an architect... Even on a big house.


The easiest way to fix a bad design, put lion statues at the front of the driveway, maybe throw a nice fountain someone on the property as well :grin2:


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## peacem

I've always wanted a house with lions at the front!


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## peacem

You guys have made me feel a lot better about the situation - thank you! I think I will file this under 'it doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things..' :wink2:


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## Blondilocks

Lions, fountains, mansard roofs, circular drives, ivy on walls are all fun to look at - on someone else's property. Must admit that I would consider a fountain in the back yard if we weren't in a drought.

Encouraging ivy to grow on the house is the one I reaallly don't get. Idiots.


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