# New Member......Advice Needed



## 15001495 (Aug 5, 2021)

Hello,

I am in need of advice and I thank all that respond ahead of time. 

My wife (32) and I (35) have been married for almost 5 years now. We have a 4 year old daughter. 

Almost a year ago to the day my wife told me she was unhappy with me and our marriage. Long story short I really struggled becoming a father. Things did not come natural to me. Our daughter has had many health and behavioral issues from day one. I also have Crohn's disease. I have good days and bad days. When my wife told me she was unhappy I realize I could have been a better husband, father, and person in general. I want to make one thing clear there was never any physical abuse.

After she told me how my actions have hurt her I decided I needed to make a change. I went to therapy to get my depression and anxiety under control which I had all my life due to my health condition. However, after my daughter was born it really came on strong. My therapist discussed the possibility of me having postpartum depression which I never realized dads could have. My relationship with my daughter is amazing today.

Shortly after my wife telling me how unhappy she was started to act out of character by have long talks on the phone in the garage. I caught her in a lie about who she was talking to. I looked at our phone records and noticed she was calling this particular number quite often for long periods of time. I googled the number and got a name. After more digging I connected the dots that this man is a person who my wife works with from time to time. The man is 53 never married, no kids. My They don't work for the same company but he is a contractor for the company my wife works for. After confronting her about this she made she told me I was controlling. I wanted to make the marriage work so at that point I caved and said that she can talk to whomever. Talking turned into texting at all times of the day, Late at night and early in the morning, weekends etc. They were also meeting up in person but my wife never told me about these meetups, I found out about them on my own. A few months of this went on and I finally confronted her again and said I am uncomfortable with their relationship. Again she made me feel like I was the one watching her every move and being controlling. 

Everything came to head in October 2020 when I went out of town with my daughter. I wanted to give my wife a break and have time to herself. That night I called my wife to see how her day was. She informed me she went out to dinner with him and went and test drove a new vehicle with him. At that point she confessed she maybe getting feelings for him since he is completely different than me. 

We went to marriage counseling shortly after this. The consoler told me wife that her relationship with this man needs to stop for us to continue therapy. She agreed to it. My wife really never put much effort into the sessions and homework and we stopped going at the beginning of 2021. 

Things got a little better but it was short lived. My sister ended up seeing my wife and this man at a park n' ride. When I confronted my wife about this she said it was all work related. Soon after I found out my wife went to see a divorce lawyer which I asked her about. At this time in April of 2021 my wife said she wanted a divorce which I did not want. My wife wanted 75/25 custody and placement of our daughter which I did not agree with. I consulted with my lawyer and there was no reason why I wouldn't get 50/50 custody. After my wife realized this she backed off the divorce talk. Things started to get better in our marriage. However, yesterday I found out she met the guy again at a park just recently. Looking at our phone records she has been in contact with him numerous times again in the last two months. My boundary that I shared with my wife has been broken. 

What should I do? Is it just a lost cause at this point? Am I over reacting with her having this friend, she has insisted nothing is physical?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It's simple proceed with the divorce because you marriage is basically over unless you allow her to set the rules of your marriage she is a cheater and you need to make she she knows she is a cheater and you will not stay married so someone who will continue to cheat...file again if you haven't and have her served at work and tell ehr there is no going back from this and get a good lawyer. enough is enough...and if she begs and pleases tell her to take a polygraph to prive she has not have sex with him but we both know she did...get yourself tested. time to grow back a back bone and kick her to the curb...she has been gaslighting you for a long time.


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## 15001495 (Aug 5, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> It's simple proceed with the divorce because you marriage is basically over unless you allow here to set the rules of your marriage she is a cheater and you need to make she she knows she is a cheater and you will not stay married so someone who will continue to cheat...file again if you haven't and have her served at work and tell ehr there is no going back from this and get a good lawyer. enough is enough...and if she begs and pleases tell her to take a polygraph to prive she has not have sex with him but we both know she did...get yourself tested. time to grow back a back bone and kick her to the curb...she has been gaslighting you for a long time.


No needed to get tested. We haven't been intimate in over a year. That includes things as small as a hug.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

15001495 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am in need of advice and I thank all that respond ahead of time.
> 
> ...


There's nothing left of your marriage. Figure out what's best for your daughter and proceed. Don't visit your and your wife's problems on your daughter.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Oh dear... that's very sad to hear.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You really don't have much choice, unless you're okay with sharing your wife with another man. That's exactly what's been happening since she came to you about being unhappy within the marriage. This is a full-fledged relationship, and the only reason she hasn't left you is because she doesn't want to share custody.

So if you're not okay with sharing her, you're only real option is to divorce. 

Furthermore, the gas lighting, blame shifting, lies, and overall betrayal should be enough for you to leave her out right. She's abusing you. At this point, you are allowing it.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

15001495 said:


> A few months of this went on and I finally confronted her again and said I am uncomfortable with their relationship.


Yep, sure sounds that way. My take is she's either in love with the guy or so close to it, it doesn't matter. Either way, I bet two to one she's been riding his pecker. Probably the only reason she has ditched you completely has more to do with her FB not wanting commit than it does with the 50/50 custody. Unless she a moron, she knew you'd get 50/50 and she is using the 75/25 failure to be able to say she is not divorcing your azz to cover the FB not wanting to take her on full time. 
BTW, I'd love to see a video of her "test driving a new vehicle" with him. I hope that old boy got the vehicle back to the lot without wreaking it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All this and your response was “I’m uncomfortable with the relationship you have with thy is guy? That’s a problem.

she’s Been having sex with this guy for the whole time since the long calls in the garage started.

divorce, 50/50 custody. Move on. Nothing to fix or advise here other than divorce and counseling so you don’t continue the weak behavior with the next one.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sorry sir, your wife had already check out of the marriage. Her "friend" is her affair partner and from the looks of it the individual she will go to. Time to get a lawyer. Know your rights with your child. BTW, once the fantasyland affair comes to an end and the reality of a woman/child show up on his front porch...she will probably be back home in a week. Maybe sooner because the OM more than likely is not wanting a package deal. You are plan B. Don't be her plan B.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

YeAh her AP has zero interest in anything but sex with her. She doesn’t wAnt a divorce because she knows he ain’t marrrying her.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> YeAh her AP has zero interest in anything but sex with her.


Can you blame the AP; a 53 year old guy with a 32 year old chick there for the low cost, NSA tapping? Pretty much a lot of men's dream.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m sure this guy isn’t only interested in her body. I’m sure he really cares and wants to marry her. He has probably been a really good listener to all her problems, with no ulterior motive whatsoever. He sounds like a helluva guy.🤭🤭🤮

yeah, you’re spot on Vlad


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Geez. You need a divorce ASAP. Seriously. And definitely 50/50 custody. You can have a nice life with your daughter. 

And. Your wife is cavorting around with someone 20 years older. It doesn't matter, but maybe you can take some satisfaction in knowing that that probably won't end well. When she's 40 he'll be in his 60s. As time goes on the gap becomes more apparent. He could be her father, age wise.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

15001495 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am in need of advice and I thank all that respond ahead of time.
> 
> ...


Let her go. Not worth the effort. Focus on you and your daughter. Be the best you can be.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just wish I could be a fly on the wall when she tells her FWB she is gonna be single.
We could have a new worlds sprinting record.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sorry this happening, there is no doubt that she is cheating on you. You need to have some self respect and not allow this by divorcing her.

In the meantime, many people have been dealt less than ideal genetic health conditions, you only have one life, so don't make any excuses for yourself. Exercise, eat well, do your best and your life will improve.

Sounds to me like you need to get yourself in a better / more confident place mentally.

Take swift action to make the divorce happen. Attempt to create a good co-parenting atmosphere if possible... you have 14 more years of dealing with this woman.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

15001495 said:


> No needed to get tested. We haven't been intimate in over a year. That includes things as small as a hug.


I’m so sorry but that tells you that she’s been his girl for all that time. Most women are not emotionally able to have sex with more than one guy. She sexually cut you off because she want to be loyal to her man. She’s probably very wanton because she’s working to get him to buy the cow. Of course this guy loves banging a younger woman but he’s not looking to take on an adulterous woman with another man’s kid. 

I strongly suggest that you file for D, separate your finances, and then expose her affair to her family and any close family friends. Do not tell her what you’re planning. This should all be done simultaneously.

In the interim, start working on yourself. You should start a vigorous workout regimen to burn off your stress and to boost your T levels, which have take a hit due to the extreme emasculation your WW put you through. Also work on your appearance ( clothes, haircut, beard, hygiene, etc) to help compliment the confidence boost you’ll get from the workout. Liking what you see will help you see that you’re worthy of respect and help you muscle through the D process.

You’re little princess needs to see that her father is a strong man. There will come a time when she’s much older that she will learn of how her father fought to keep the family intact but for now, she needs to see a strong confident father.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Affairs trump everything. All the excuses she was telling you were total BS. She used that to justify her SEXUAL AFFAIR with her shiny new boyfriend. File for divorce.

You can only be a chump if YOU allow it. Standing around flat footed won’t get you a thing.

Unless she cut you off from sex to be faithful to her boyfriend STD Testing ASAP. You don’t know where her lover has been.

Wake up!!!!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Tell her to be with her BF, if she is happy doing so, you might get better divorce terms. Let her go.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

I'll tell you what you need to do: Go to your wayward wife purse and open it, reach in and get your balls back!
And all you can muster after all the disrespect and gaslighting is this:


15001495 said:


> and said I am uncomfortable with their relationship.


Sorry buddy, you really need to get yourself respect back!
You need to start getting angry and proactive!
This women betrayed you right in front of you and rubbed it in your face!
She has no respect for you!
She doesn't even deserve the gift of reconciliation!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@15001495 You file for divorce. And have loverboy checked out on the sex offender register. Just in case it's your daughter he is really after.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sorry you're going through this. Rest assured you can get 50/50 custody whether she wants it or not. She's sneaking around and can't be trusted, so not sure why you want to hold onto this relationship. I'm guessing maybe it has to do with your anxiety, maybe a fear of change? Well, if so, stay in counseling and take meds for it or whatever you have to do, because this isn't going to hold together and a child is better off with two separate happy parents than a bunch of tension in the marital household. 

It shouldn't even matter at this point whether the guy would even want her for a partner (probably not). I mean, it could burn out in a month once she's free, but that shouldn't figure into your decision. You're staying in a bad situation where you have agreed to put up with lies and cheating, and what kind of example and role model does that provide for your child? She needs to see that isn't okay. She won't understand until she's a lot older, and it shouldn't be put on her to burden her with adult problems, but she shouldn't grow up thinking all this is normal, and believe me, kids know when there's any tension and have a good idea who's causing it. 

Kind of a weird example, but I once worked with a girl who I found out was also a call girl, both she and her sister. It just didn't make sense to me, until I asked about her parents. I found out her father (who she still loved) was a pilot who pretty openly slept with whatever stewardesses he wanted to while married to his wife, who apparently turned a blind eye. So these two girls spent their young adult life trying to justify why that was okay rather than stop loving their daddy. Instead of rebelling against it, they embraced it. 

Get your kids to where they at least have one less complicated and crazy household, yours.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you get any nicer and more accommodating, maybe you can be a groomsman at their wedding and babysit their children when they go on vacation to a sex resort in the Bahamas (sarcasm)

You are sleep walking through life and not taking any accountability for your existence and well being (serious)


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

So sorry your going through this! I would most definitely go forward with a divorce. She clearly does not want to work on things otherwise she would have made so much more of an effort. She can not have her cake and eat it too! That is all she is doing with you! Sorry if that sounds harsh! But she’s doing exactly what is best for her no one else!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I would have kicked that skank out a long time ago. Let her go man. There’s nothing left of your marriage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

15001495 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am in need of advice and I thank all that respond ahead of time.
> 
> ...


In order of your questions:
Serve her with divorce papers. Yes. No, she is lying, a lot, what every cheater does without fail.

Please. How can you even imagine that her year-old affair with an old single guy didn't go physical? You think he was going to waste time if he wasn't getting all the sex he wanted from her? You know within your gut that she has been doing him every chance she has since probably before she told you she was unhappy. Maybe her first taste was so intoxicating that she decided to transfer her allegiance from you to him. Lets see, why would she would go for a 53 year old single guy???

NEVER MIND getting STD test, missed your post about no sex from her since her affair started. Why have you waited?? You should have been divorced about a year ago already.

You have wasted a lot of time and money trying to salvage what can't be salvaged. Have your attorney serve papers and get this travesty over for yourself. Let's see if her 53 year old lover wants her when she becomes single. I'm betting she will be surprised once she becomes a free agent.


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