# Completely spun



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Rewind 4 months. My wife of 15 years were spending a couple of months oversees with our two girl for my job. I'll spare you all the details of the visit, but she was distant when she arrived, I pressed for discussion, got "I don't know if I have the same feelings for you as I used too". We both agreed that we need to go to marriage counseling to get to the root of our issues. Fast forward a couple of weeks later. It became too hard for her to keep up with her job in the states (ahead 7hrs in time in Europe). Being the understanding person that I am, I agreed with her that it would probably be best for us not to be under any additional stress, and that this would be a time to regroup for the marriage work that would lie ahead of us when I returned in 8 weeks.

My sixth sense told me there could be something more to this than work, and so I logged into her e-mail and found all the evidence of an affair that had been going on shortly before her departure to come join me, along with an itinerary for the OM to visit upon her early return. Needless to say I was crushed. I confronted her immediately.

Although THAT visit from the OM never materialized, and she assured me she had gone no contact, I later found a burner email account with all the glorious things that accompany affairs in this digital age--photos, romantic exchanges, receipts for hotels from my home city etc.

She of course, said it was my fault that she had to pursue a relationship outside our marriage. I made all the cardinal mistakes--I pursued, begged, pleaded. I told her I would work with her to make the changes she needed so that we could glue our family and everything that we worked build over the last 15 years back together. I am wrong for trying so hard to get us to repair, when she wanted "space" to work on herself? She only turned that space into time to work on her new relationship anyway.

Its almost for certain that we are headed to divorce mediation. I am crushed. All that we have worked for--just poof, without even a last ditch effort to put the train back on the tracks. 

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I continue to want this women back and hope that somehow she will wake up and see that breaking up a marriage is going to create a whole new set of problems? When does the delusion of hope end? When do you finally come to the place that you truly believe that your life will be better without them?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your story.

Have a look into the term Codependency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It is time to do the 180 for your sanity. You deserve better and you are allowing your familiarity with this woman cloud your judgement. Right now it is time to get angry and find a way to move on.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She of course, said it was my fault that she had to pursue a relationship outside our marriage. I made all the cardinal mistakes--I pursued, begged, pleaded.


Did i miss something here? You caught her cheating and this ends up with you begging and pleading? I'm having a hard time getting my head around that concept


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Did i miss something here? You caught her cheating and this ends up with you begging and pleading? I'm having a hard time getting my head around that concept


No nothing that you missed. At times I have not been as emotionally connected as I should because of work. We also have ongoing issues where she makes major decisions about finances, vacations etc without my input, and I shoot myself in the foot by yelling, escalating the issue


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

badbane said:


> It is time to do the 180 for your sanity. You deserve better and you are allowing your familiarity with this woman cloud your judgement. Right now it is time to get angry and find a way to move on.


Already plenty angry, only not using it to move on, but have been channeling that energy to try to get her to see the light. I know, I know...can't control anyone else actions, only my own. That's what I need to get through my thick head.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> No nothing that you missed. At times I have not been as emotionally connected as I should because of work. We also have ongoing issues where she makes major decisions about finances, vacations etc without my input, and I shoot myself in the foot by yelling, escalating the issue


you escalated the issue? No you didn't... You seem to be in shock or something. Or course you yelled. You were the one hurt . Nothing you did excuses her cheating. If she had problems she should talk to you. If you didn't listen she would file for divorce. Instead she started out hunting for other men. You were left as a sort of backup plan.

This isn't your fault.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You are in shock, its the phase that comes after the denial. Just let the emotions play out but you start doing the 180 NOW


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> you escalated the issue? No you didn't... You seem to be in shock or something. Or course you yelled. You were the one hurt . Nothing you did excuses her cheating. If she had problems she should talk to you. If you didn't listen she would file for divorce. Instead she started out hunting for other men. You were left as a sort of backup plan.
> 
> This isn't your fault.


I know, its pathetic of me isn't it? The kicker is she tells me that her therapist said that it is understandable that this happened, given the issues in our marriage. Says that the affair is a consequence of the issues in our marriage, not the cause of the problems in it, and therefore refuses to talk about it. Well, seems to me that her affair did create problems, albeit new ones, for the marriage, no?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

spun said:


> No nothing that you missed. At times I have not been as emotionally connected as I should because of work. We also have ongoing issues where she makes major decisions about finances, vacations etc without my input, and I shoot myself in the foot by yelling, escalating the issue





costa200 said:


> you escalated the issue? No you didn't... You seem to be in shock or something. Or course you yelled. You were the one hurt . Nothing you did excuses her cheating. If she had problems she should talk to you. If you didn't listen she would file for divorce. Instead she started out hunting for other men. You were left as a sort of backup plan.
> 
> This isn't your fault.


Unless I misunderstand what he is saying... I understood it to mean he owns half of the "normal" everyday marital issues. But, he does acknowledge that the affair is *ALL ON HER*. If I misunderstood what was meant, then I apologize to you, Costa... because the affair is in NO WAY your fault, Spun. That is ALL on her. The marital issues, overall, yes, 50/50. Affair, no...that is 100% her and ONLY her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

spun said:


> I know, its pathetic of me isn't it? The kicker is she tells me that her therapist said that it is understandable that this happened, given the issues in our marriage. Says that the affair is a consequence of the issues in our marriage, not the cause of the problems in it, and therefore refuses to talk about it. Well, seems to me that her affair did create problems, albeit new ones, for the marriage, no?


WTF??? Get rid of that f*n therapist. Affairs are NOT a consequence. That therapist is full of sh*t!

ETA: Btw, I agree with the others saying 180. Don't beg, don't plead with her. SHE should be begging YOU.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

1) expose the affair to everyone and all at once; her family, his family, friends, coworkers etc. (affairs are only exciting in the hidden/secret world).

2) file for divorce (to snap her outta the fog and begin to see the real consequences of her choices). You can always stop the process if she comes around.

3) Work on yourself; basically be the best/strong man you can be - the guy she fell for at the start.

sucks man...we've been there. the above steps saved my marriage so it can be done if you want it.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

baldmale said:


> 1) expose the affair to everyone and all at once; her family, his family, friends, coworkers etc. (affairs are only exciting in the hidden/secret world).
> 
> 2) file for divorce (to snap her outta the fog and begin to see the real consequences of her choices). You can always stop the process if she comes around.
> 
> ...


I did expose the affair, to her parents and friends. It only served to piss her off. Said I was "creating drama like I always do". Also, has simply told everyone what a horrible husband I have been, that she never would have done this if I had been there for her the way she needed me to be. She does not give a **** to be honest. She the queen of blame shifting.

I filed. She responded by saying, let's go to mediation and not spend all our money on lawyers. Waiting to go to mediation now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is her lover better off than you?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Is her lover better off than you?


If by "better off" you mean money. I am not sure. He lives in out of state, but seems to have plenty of money to spend on expensive hotels and airfare...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Does the OM have a wife or girl friend? If so, have you exposed it to her?

While some may disagree about the amount of exposure, depending on circumstance, the overwhelming majority agree that exposure to the OMW/OMGF is an absolute must. 

Oh, and I agree. *Fire that therapist!* There are some bad ones out there that have no experience with infidelity, they make things worse by actually validating the cheater's feelings. You need to find one that actually has experience in dealing with infidelity, that will hold her accountable and hold her feet to the fire.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

spun said:


> If by "better off" you mean money. I am not sure. He lives in out of state, but seems to have plenty of money to spend on expensive hotels and airfare...


Yes. It'll be interesting to see when the $$ stops flowing towards your wife.

Does your wife work, has a decent career?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Does the OM have a wife or girl friend? If so, have you exposed it to her?
> 
> While some may disagree about the amount of exposure, depending on circumstance, the overwhelming majority agree that exposure to the OMW/OMGF is an absolute must.
> 
> Oh, and I agree. *Fire that therapist!* There are some bad ones out there that have no experience with infidelity, they make things worse by actually validating the cheater's feelings. You need to find one that actually has experience in dealing with infidelity, that will hold her accountable and hold her feet to the fire.


My understanding is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 years...so she probably does not care, or he makes a living of doing this kind of thing.

Unfortunately, I can't ditch the therapist, it is who she sees in IC. She sits in MC and refuses to even talk about how we might move towards a place where she might feel like she can take another crack at the marriage. We are living separate, so its really difficult to get anywhere. She's in the house with our two girls. Now, I am out looking for a place of my own after returning from abroad. Yeah, yeah I know. She should move out. I don't want to displace our kids, or keep them from living with mom. To be honest, if I moved back in she'd just wait till I left and take off with the kids I'm sure. Btw, she's living there but I am not paying for anything.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

keko said:


> Yes. It'll be interesting to see when the $$ stops flowing towards your wife.
> 
> Does your wife work, has a decent career?


She works, pretty good career, makes about as much as I do, but she won't be able to afford the house on her own for long. She in sales, so the income is good but not constant. Once her half of our savings runs out, it could get rough.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" My understanding is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 years...so she probably does not care, or he makes a living of doing this kind of thing."

Solve this doubt and find his ex and his parents , expose to both . While it may seem futile now it does add unpleasantness at the family dinners and he is bound to hear about it .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

spun said:


> I filed. She responded by saying, let's go to mediation and not spend all our money on lawyers. Waiting to go to mediation now.



She is still in the affair and is calling the shots.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

spun said:


> She works, pretty good career, makes about as much as I do, but she won't be able to afford the house on her own for long. She in sales, so the income is good but not constant. Once her half of our savings runs out, it could get rough.


Do whatever you can do speed up the divorce. We've seen plenty of cheaters run back to the betrayed spouse once the $$ dries out, and they'll be crocodile tears incase you're wondering.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> She is still in the affair and is calling the shots.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, do you suggest I just file with the lawyer anyway? To be honest, if its going D, why spend all the money? Would it not be better to string it along, then when the money starts to dry up and her fantasy world starts to fade she may start to come out of the fog?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

spun said:


> I know, its pathetic of me isn't it? The kicker is she tells me that her therapist said that it is understandable that this happened, given the issues in our marriage. Says that the affair is a consequence of the issues in our marriage, not the cause of the problems in it, and therefore refuses to talk about it. Well, seems to me that her affair did create problems, albeit new ones, for the marriage, no?




Tell you what. If you hire a guy to pose as you, tell the situation from your perspective and the same guy will tell you that this isn't your fault. It's all on her because you can't control her choices and she handled herself badly. 9/10 therapists out there think they are doing their jobs if they make the person just feel better. They get paid to say "it's ok you're still a good person and the blame is on the other side". that's how they make their bread... They are great at sweeping **** under the rug!

Plus, how many of these therapists are in a stable marriage? What makes them better than anyone else at evaluating other people's marriages?

If you can, and if you want to work on it (i wouldn't as she is completely detached from you in every way, but it's your choice) get her off that therapist.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Did i miss something here? You caught her cheating and this ends up with you begging and pleading? I'm having a hard time getting my head around that concept


If you spent some time reading through the threads on this site you will find this happens quite often.

Not everyone is a he-man like you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

spun said:


> So, do you suggest I just file with the lawyer anyway? To be honest, if its going D, why spend all the money? Would it not be better to string it along, then when the money starts to dry up and her fantasy world starts to fade she may start to come out of the fog?


No. File for D, but don't tell her. Have her served at work in front of everyone. The shock value in and of itself may knock her out of her "fog" and cause her to panic and change her mind about reconciling.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

spun said:


> My understanding is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 years...so she probably does not care, or he makes a living of doing this kind of thing.
> 
> 
> And you believe this because she told you?  C'mon.
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> WTF??? Get rid of that f*n therapist. Affairs are NOT a consequence. That therapist is full of sh*t!
> 
> ETA: Btw, I agree with the others saying 180. Don't beg, don't plead with her. SHE should be begging YOU.


IF that was what the therapist said.

Perhaps in a long sentence the therapist used the words: "Affair... marriage... husband... blame" and somehow those are the only words spun's wife latched on to: "The affair was your husband's fault!" And she knows it is true, because her therapist said it, so there!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> IF that was what the therapist said.
> 
> Perhaps in a long sentence the therapist used the words: "Affair... marriage... husband... blame" and somehow those are the only words spun's wife latched on to: "The affair was your husband's fault!" And she knows it is true, because her therapist said it, so there!


Good point. All of Spun's information has been filtered through his wife. He needs to nix that and start verifying everything she says.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Bandit, well I do have a legal right to be there, the problem is she may stop at nothing to get her way...like calling the police and saying that I threatened her. I have not, but in casually dropping that its my house too and I am simply going to move back, she has threatened that she would do it. The other issue is that I don't want her fleeing to family out of state with my girls, simply will be a nightmare to get them back. Really, as I write this all out, it is becoming so obvious that she is just not worth it. To be blunt, she's always had control issues (to which I respond poorly) and is manipulative ***** when she has to get what she wants.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> If you spent some time reading through the threads on this site you will find this happens quite often.
> 
> Not everyone is a he-man like you.


Damn, bandit, you know i can almost pin point your age by that he-man reference :rofl:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

spun said:


> Bandit, well I do have a legal right to be there, the problem is she may stop at nothing to get her way...like calling the police and saying that I threatened her. I have not, but in casually dropping that its my house too and I am simply going to move back, she has threatened that she would do it. The other issue is that I don't want her fleeing to family out of state with my girls, simply will be a nightmare to get them back. Really, as I write this all out, it is becoming so obvious that she is just not worth it. To be blunt, she's always had control issues (to which I respond poorly) and is manipulative ***** when she has to get what she wants.


Purchase a digital VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it on your person when you go over there. Talk calmly and quietly to her, and let her go off on you. Make sure you get A VAR that has a date and time clock. If she calls the cops, all you have to do is whip it out and let them listen to her rantings.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

spun said:


> Bandit, well I do have a legal right to be there, the problem is she may stop at nothing to get her way...like calling the police and saying that I threatened her. I have not, but in casually dropping that its my house too and I am simply going to move back, she has threatened that she would do it. The other issue is that I don't want her fleeing to family out of state with my girls, simply will be a nightmare to get them back. Really, as I write this all out, it is becoming so obvious that she is just not worth it. To be blunt, she's always had control issues (to which I respond poorly) and is manipulative ***** when she has to get what she wants.


Ah, now you're coming out of it... Good for you. Just take time to think things and perhaps get legal counsel. There are kids in the mix and you need to be on top of that situation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Damn, bandit, you know i can almost pin point your age by that he-man reference :rofl:


I'm an old fart. Nuff said.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm an old fart. Nuff said.


Damn! Stop! I recognize the reference... I'll be damned if anyone's calling me old!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Damn! Stop! I recognize the reference... I'll be damned if anyone's calling me old!


You're not old Maricha. You're experienced.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Considering how immature and controlling your wife is, Spun, I highly urge you to get legal counsel.

I _do_ think you should file for divorce, but if you want to play things her way and mediate, that's on you. I would expect her to be every bit as controlling and heartless during the mediation, though.

A lawyer can give you the run-through of your rights in respect to moving back into your home and her taking your kids away. I am not familiar with law, but her taking the kids from you sounds an awful lot like _kidnapping_, to be honest.

Get the cops to come with you when you go back to your place, if this is at all possible. And definitely carry a VAR with you whenever your wife is home - it may very well save you a lot of pain.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Considering how immature and controlling your wife is, Spun, I highly urge you to get legal counsel.
> 
> I _do_ think you should file for divorce, but if you want to play things her way and mediate, that's on you. I would expect her to be every bit as controlling and heartless during the mediation, though.
> 
> ...


Yes, she is definitely manipulative and controlling. A couple of weeks back while I was in town having a casual conversation on our patio when the OM came up, I got up and said "Maybe you should be locked out of the home since your the one that wants to leave this marriage". I got up, went in the back door, and locked it, just for a couple of second. She was still outside. Her mind exploded, said she was going to call the cops. I open the door, and said "See how it feels", and left. But, now I do feel as though I should do it for real.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may be interested in going to *Dads divorce* and reading *Lessons Learned - Before and During*.

Also go read *Surveillance Methods As A Defense*.

The better prepared you are for the unexpected, the better the chances of you not only surviving it but conquering it as well.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Spun, you seem like an honest straight-shooter. Your wife seems like a lying, conniving snake. YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR YOUR WIFE. Being a nice guy usually is a good thing. Not when it comes to divorce. Bad enough you got cheated on by your wife. Don't get screwed over in the divorce, too.

GET A LAWYER. 

When it comes to negotiations, she is going to take you for all your worth. The lawyer can petition that court to stop her from taking the children out of state. The lawyer can protect your interests. You plan to negotiate by the rules of "fairness." I guarantee you that your wife is researching and gathering information on how to trick you into giving her everything.

Mediation is for cases where both parties are being amicable. YOUR WIFE ALREADY THREATENED TO FILE FALSE ABUSE CHARGES AGAINST YOU IF YOU EXERCISE YOUR LEGAL RIGHT TO RETURN TO YOUR HOME. Your divorce is NOT amicable.

HELPFUL TIP FOR THE FUTURE: Do not go along with any of your wife's suggestions without getting advice of a lawyer. Your wife suggested mediation because she knows she can outmaneuver you.

GET A VOICE-ACTIVACTED RECORDER. Just having her on tape once saying she will file false charges against you is like a get-out-of-jail-free card for the future. Carry the VAR with you at alll times and record all conversations with your wife. A video recorder is even better, but may be very expensive.

I am trying to wake you up out of the fog YOU are in. Your wife is not your friend and she is not going to do anything that is in your interest. YOUR WIFE IS YOUR ENEMY. Start seeing her and treating her as such.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, she is definitely manipulative and controlling. A couple of weeks back while I was in town having a casual conversation on our patio when the OM came up, I got up and said "Maybe you should be locked out of the home since your the one that wants to leave this marriage". I got up, went in the back door, and locked it, just for a couple of second. She was still outside. Her mind exploded, said she was going to call the cops. I open the door, and said "See how it feels", and left. But, now I do feel as though I should do it for real.


The OM had the nerve to go to your house just like that? This sounds like a direct provocation. They are probably trying to get you to do something stupid. Wise up and protect yourself. You don't want to have them have grounds to get a restraining order. That would probably hurt you in court in a custody battle.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

costa200 said:


> The OM had the nerve to go to your house just like that? This sounds like a direct provocation. They are probably trying to get you to do something stupid. Wise up and protect yourself. You don't want to have them have grounds to get a restraining order. That would probably hurt you in court in a custody battle.


No mate. The _subject_ of the OM came up. Jeez. Can you imagine the _gall_ if this scumbag showed his face at their home? I would have parked my car on his face.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Jibril said:


> No mate. The _subject_ of the OM came up. Jeez. Can you imagine the _gall_ if this scumbag showed his face at their home? I would have parked my car on his face.


Guess i read that wrong... Must be all these stories of incredible idiotics by cheaters getting to me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Spun,

Follow Mori and Bandits advice.

Get a var, get your butt back in the house.

If she leaves let her go. Your attorney will like that.

Track the OM's family down.

And if your wife is off her rocker get an attorney do not go to mediation.

The quicker her money is gone the quicker the OM will have to foot the bill for her and your kids. She will learn where the grass is greener.

So take back control and start sticking it to her.

Unless you are done with her then just go get an attorney and get her out of your life.

Hm64


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

spun said:


> My understanding is that he has been separated from his wife for 5 years...so she probably does not care, or he makes a living of doing this kind of thing.


Translation: OM's wife thinks she's in a happy monogamous marriage.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, she is definitely manipulative and controlling. A couple of weeks back while I was in town having a casual conversation on our patio when the OM came up,


Since the next word is not "gunfire", I guess that means your state does not have a "castle doctrine" law. Get tough! Get a lawyer and go to war. NO quarter.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Yes, she is definitely manipulative and controlling. A couple of weeks back while I was in town *having a casual conversation on our patio when the OM came up*,

Re-reading this, I think the original poster means that the subject of the other man came up IN THE CONVERSATION, not that the other man physically was present on the patio.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Yes, she is definitely manipulative and controlling. A couple of weeks back while I was in town *having a casual conversation on our patio when the OM came up*,
> 
> Re-reading this, I think the original poster means that the subject of the other man came up IN THE CONVERSATION, not that the other man physically was present on the patio.


Yes, that is correct.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

All this advice about moving back into the home...do any of you actually have experience with this? Seems awfully risky to me given how easy it is for a women to obtain a restraining order...all that needs to be said is they feel under threat...sure you can appeal, but by that time your out because of the initial order anyway. Hard to see what is gained from this. Maybe I am missing something?


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, that is correct.


My GOD, another saint. I do not know what would go on if I ever found out the identity of the OM. I shutter to think... GOD help someone!

The posters here are correct. The marital problems are on you, too. But the affair... 100% on her!!! It will take time, but like with time, all things become more acceptable and we can move on with some peace of mind, pick up the pieces and regain our dignity. So many seem to believe it is their fault for the affair, and the cheaters use this ploy so often to put us in the fog.

Rise above it. You are so much better than that! Find someone who will love you and deserve the love you want to give! Good Luck!!!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

spun said:


> All this advice about moving back into the home...do any of you actually have experience with this? Seems awfully risky to me given how easy it is for a women to obtain a restraining order...all that needs to be said is they feel under threat...sure you can appeal, but by that time your out because of the initial order anyway. Hard to see what is gained from this. Maybe I am missing something?


Plenty of guys here have experience for that. Apparently from the comments i've seen about how the american legal system works, abandoning your home can be detrimental for you later on in court. 

I believe people experienced in these things (lots of them here unfortunately) will tell you to go back and have a voice activated recorder on you at all times. This way you can protect yourself from false accusations. 

She hasn't got a reason for a restraining order as long as you keep your cool and have that VAR on you.

Some guys also like to install cameras around the house... You do what you must but you don't leave your home. Let her do it if she wants to.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*All this advice about moving back into the home...do any of you actually have experience with this? Seems awfully risky to me given how easy it is for a women to obtain a restraining order...all that needs to be said is they feel under threat...sure you can appeal, but by that time your out because of the initial order anyway. Hard to see what is gained from this. Maybe I am missing something?*

It takes more than them saying "they feel under threat." They would have to specifically state what you did that was threatening. It doesn't take much.

It would be better not to move back in than to move back in and be put in jail for a false accusation.

Apparently if you move out, it later can be claimed that you "abandoned" your wife and family.

You could get your wife to sign an agreement that you did not abandon her and your family, that you moved out at her request. This probably would be best drawn up by a lawyer.

You also need to record all conversations with your wife to protect yourself against false accusations.

It may help you to go see the police in your town and tell them what your wife said (about making false accusations against you) and ask them what you should do. At least they will be aware of it if she does so in the future.

Beware of your wife goading you into arguments with her and then secretly recording you to play later to prove you are a threat.

You need a lawyer in your situation.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

spun said:


> I did expose the affair, to her parents and friends. It only served to piss her off. Said I was "creating drama like I always do". Also, has simply told everyone what a horrible husband I have been, that she never would have done this if I had been there for her the way she needed me to be. She does not give a **** to be honest. She the queen of blame shifting.
> 
> I filed. She responded by saying, let's go to mediation and not spend all our money on lawyers. Waiting to go to mediation now.


Another cheating spouse following script


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> Another cheating spouse following script


Yep. Funny how this stuff comes completely instinctively. Humans don't have to be taught this stuff. Which follows my belief that manogamy is a uniquely human invention. Monohgamy is a choice. Cheating is instinctive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> Another cheating spouse following script


Exactly and the common complaint of the BS creating drama. Huh!

My STBEH during our first false R kept blaming me for being triggered saying I was creating drama.

He completely disowned the fact that he created the drama by having and affair. And, his OW was a stalker stalking both him and me.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Spun you are being really nice to a cheater. Screw mediation go for D.
Attempt R but in order for D not to happen you make her sign a post nuptial agreement. You have all the balls in your court. Really do the 180 and stop listening to this lying woman. Go home and start moving on.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

honestly at the end of the day you can only do all you can do. It's on her to realize what she is doing.....Tell her to watch the movie Fireproof before you guys move further...It might help for her to see it from a third party sense. just a thought.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

If you are welling to fight for your kids thats what you need to do:
1- Put your kids on no flying list

2- always and always keep a recorder or spy recorder with you so every time you talk to her face to face or on phone try recording everything.

3- try bringing the subject and restraining order so you can record what she is saying

4- you should still be in your house. dont leave and keep recording running.

5- put private investigator, i know it will cost but more information the better and can be a good backup for you in court. 

6- it will take time and war to protect your kids. KIDS need both the father and mother, but seems she is trying to replace you with new guy no matter what. do you want that? I know for sure the other man wont stay with her or marry her after he gets bored he will leave, but imagine the devstation to our kids. 

7- Money comes and goes, screw savings, spend as much as you can to fight for your kids. its not about you or her any more its about your kids. 

8- never show sign of weekeness and always show signs of strong tough man that dont give the [email protected] p. show her that you are the man, and you are the LION who will protect his cubs no matter what the costs. 
show her you are better off without her, and talk to her with cold face and voice. 
and remember always remember, record record record everything, voice, document, video everything, so it can back you up, and show your kids in future that you never left them and these are the evidence. 
try harrassing the other man in a legal way. find where he works, send letters to his friends and family and work.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Exactly and the common complaint of the BS creating drama. Huh!
> 
> My STBEH during our first false R kept blaming me for being triggered saying I was creating drama.
> 
> He completely disowned the fact that he created the drama by having and affair. And, his OW was a stalker stalking both him and me.


Yes, drama on her end, although she does it very calm manner--via her blameshifting. To be honest, I have created plenty of drama myself, yelling, kicking, screaming, etc. after finding out. I'm no saint. Been a real **** at times in the past, but her affair is not my fault and something that I feel is perfectly reasonable to express anger over. This leads to the whole "see nothing has changed" speech. Well, excuse me you had an affair and lied about, and I'm freaking really angry about it!

The whole thing is in awful downward spiral. We are not talking, or communicating anymore, which is difficult because I have always been the one who wants to discuss and solve things when they come up. She retracts, and I push more for resolution, she retracts even further, it's an awful cycle that leads to nowhere, and has slowly brought our marriage to where it is now. I acknowledge my role, but of course, she has done nothing wrong in either the marriage or with her ongoing PA. 

Is it the guilt over my role in the marital dysfunction, and the missed opportunities for our children that will come along with division of assets that accompany divorce (I don't really think she has thought about the latter in any objective way). Or, do I still really love her? Part of me does feel like she may have lost her way, and I feel for that, and should be the strong one, and hold out, and maybe the fog will clear. The other part of me, knows the reality of these situations--once a women goes this far they rarely come back. I am outside the walls of my life now, both figuratively and literally speaking. 

As much as hate it, doing the 180 for me is probably my only choice. Moving back in is only go to serve to keep me from moving on. Unless there is a way to do both. Don't know if I am built for that though.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, drama on her end, although she does it very calm manner--via her blameshifting. To be honest, I have created plenty of drama myself, yelling, kicking, screaming, etc. after finding out. I'm no saint. Been a real **** at times in the past, but her affair is not my fault and something that I feel is perfectly reasonable to express anger over. This leads to the whole "see nothing has changed" speech. Well, excuse me you had an affair and lied about, and I'm freaking really angry about it!
> 
> The whole thing is in awful downward spiral. We are not talking, or communicating anymore, which is difficult because I have always been the one who wants to discuss and solve things when they come up. She retracts, and I push more for resolution, she retracts even further, it's an awful cycle that leads to nowhere, and has slowly brought our marriage to where it is now. I acknowledge my role, but of course, she has done nothing wrong in either the marriage or with her ongoing PA.
> 
> ...


I hear ya'. Been there, too. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

Your wife sounds like a blamer, just like my STBEH.

At first I ate all the blame and gas lighting he fed me. Then I came out of my own fog and finally saw my STBEH for who he is.

A liar, a cheater, a thief and a cake eater.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Don't wait for too long to move back in.
And remember to have VAR on you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

spun said:


> All this advice about moving back into the home...do any of you actually have experience with this? Seems awfully risky to me given how easy it is for a women to obtain a restraining order...all that needs to be said is they feel under threat...sure you can appeal, but by that time your out because of the initial order anyway. Hard to see what is gained from this. Maybe I am missing something?


Purchase a couple of VARs (voice activated recorders), test them, put it in your pocket, contact your attorney to request that he meet you at a specific location, inform your attorney that you want him to accompany you to your home, call your local police department and inform them that you and your attorney are heading to your home because you intend to move back in and that you may experience trouble from your wife. If the police department are willing to assist you, then accept it and wait until they arrive at your home address. The point of this is to shock and awe your wife that you are not going to allow her to legally screw you over and that if she wants a fight, you are going for her jugular, legally speaking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

spun said:


> Bandit, well I do have a legal right to be there, the problem is she may stop at nothing to get her way...like calling the police and saying that I threatened her. I have not, but in casually dropping that its my house too and I am simply going to move back, she has threatened that she would do it. The other issue is that I don't want her fleeing to family out of state with my girls, simply will be a nightmare to get them back. Really, as I write this all out, it is becoming so obvious that she is just not worth it. To be blunt, she's always had control issues (to which I respond poorly) and is manipulative ***** when she has to get what she wants.


First, you carry a recorder on you at all times. Let her KNOW that you are recording every conversation you have with her. She'll back down on the empty threats. Second, if you would just go to a lawyer she CANNOT take the girls out of state.

Stop making excuses.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is why you lawyer up and have him file for an emergency/temporary child custody agreement. Otherwise she can take the kids out of state, pretty much anywhere she wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

spun said:


> All this advice about moving back into the home...do any of you actually have experience with this? Seems awfully risky to me given how easy it is for a women to obtain a restraining order...all that needs to be said is they feel under threat...sure you can appeal, but by that time your out because of the initial order anyway. Hard to see what is gained from this. Maybe I am missing something?


 Before you move back in, go to the police station and file a report. Tell them that she is threatening you, and threatening to FAKE an assault charge. You will already have it on record so that, if she does it, they will not believe her.

spun, you show all the signs of mental abuse. You believe everything she says, you talk yourself out of protecting yourself and asserting yourself. Stop doing this. Be a man. For your girls.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

spun said:


> As much as hate it, doing the 180 for me is probably my only choice. Moving back in is only go to serve to keep me from moving on. Unless there is a way to do both. Don't know if I am built for that though.


 Moving back in will do several things. It will help you find your cajones again. It will raise your wife's respect for you and maybe, just maybe, bring her around to a point where YOU are leading the family, not her. It will teach your girls to NOT grow up to be like their mom and eat men alive. And it will help you if you end up divorcing.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Also read this, Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It) then read it a few more times.


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