# Illusions- The Truth



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Man I had illusions of my relationship. I thought I was so in love, and the pain was unbelievable and now that the pain is much more tolerable :

My stbxh is wrong when he says this marriage was over 18 months ago, it was over 5 years ago for me. I can see I had withdrawn, the alimony and child support payments and settlement (over half million dollars) over all of our married years, the loss of jobs (for him) were a continual fear for me. It killed it for me. I tried, I really did try but the joy had left. It was just plowing through the ruts. 

I kept trying to fix something that was not fixable: boat, kayak, golf there was no fun in it for me. Why? because I was with somebody that had huge baggage and I did not want to face that that was a problem. I had wanted to rise above it. But he had lost the 6 figure job that enabled us to pay that much money and still enjoy ourselves. Then that was gone.

Sorry for this long post, but I am shocked at myself. How did I manage to lie and pretend all of these years? And go through such heartache? It makes no sense to me except I am one stubborn son of a gun and don't like to fold my tent.

So that's it.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I like that.. "dont like to fold my tent".
Ive wondered about the sense of failure of my own marriage that I would have. So much else around me has gone down the tubes, that i literally felt like the marriage/family was the last "worthwhile" thing I had in life. then my wife decides to kick me in the face.
She too had baggage, had no humility, was stubborn, foolish, wanting things her way "or else", on came the onslaught of dish banging, door slamming, three-day-tantrums.
How it all evolved into "me" being Mr. Angry and ungiving was beyond me. I dont think you lied or pretended on purpose to yourself or anyone, you gave it an honest "go" and had to go the lengths that only you could establish for yourself as to when to finally be done with it. 
Wishing you the best. Right now Im having a very hard time.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You tried and that was important to you.
It wasn't an illusion when you put so much effort into your marriage. Joy can't be lost, only suppressed. It's always there.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I am one stubborn person. 
I think I tried but it was too late when I started.
I thought I had all the time in the world. 
I am so headstrong, I thought I was somewhat entitled.
I wasn't, I'm not. 

No matter how charming or smart I am I was selfish, had to be in control of everything. 

This stems from a very troubled past with stbx which I couldn't let go of for one minute.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if I was the one who failed the marriage not my stbx. 
More and more everyday I remember the way I acted, and the way he reacted. The way he acted, and the way I reacted.

I have a lot of work to do. Im beginning to think I actually broke my own heart.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> Sorry for this long post, but I am shocked at myself. How did I manage to lie and pretend all of these years? And go through such heartache? It makes no sense to me except I am one stubborn son of a gun and don't like to fold my tent.


Dude, I don't know since I did the exact same thing. I look back and think "who was that person??" I never would have imagined I'd deal with so much BS, yet I did.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I know. We came into this relationship with starry eyes, right? Yeah, they were glued shut. Mine were anyway. I wanted to believe in a Knight, poor man, he was just a human being and a very shaky one at that.

The poor thing has denied himself the luxury of a lot of feelings because of fear. His past baggage, not mine.

Live and learn, right. That is the most important thing now, let's all of us not choose the same person again. That is where our work lies now. Let's choose ourselves! Group hug!


----------

