# Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?



## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

I am in my 30's, I have been with my wife since high school, married now with kids.

So yes, my wife's best friend is another man that she works with, and has been for more than a few years now. The other man is married himself and has kids. They're becoming best friends isn't a huge surprise to me, as she has been pretty open about their relationship. Her co-worker BF also hangs out with us quite a bit, mostly because we don't have any other "couple" friends that also have kids. On occasion, I have hung out with him away from my wife - partially because she urges me to, and partially because, well, he's actually a pretty good guy that I get along with and fits into our group of friends.

My relationship with my wife has always been great, we talk all the time, and our sex life is absolutely *fantastic*.

So why all the fuss? Bottom line, I feel like in someways he is having an EA with my wife, though she may not interpret it as that.

Whenever we go out as a couple, his wife comments about how he never talks to her about stuff, but talks to my wife about everything (somehow this doesn't bother her?). And if you ever met his wife, she's not at all bi***y, quite the opposite, but...I'll refrain from any mean opinions, but she is totally different from us and I would never have paired them together. So in short, I get the feeling that he has this relationship with my wife as something that he doesn't get from his own.

He is also very flirty when he is drunk - now really, who isn't - but this means whenever we go out I am extremely protective, and this bugs my wife, who agrees with me that he likes my wife's attention, but doesn't think that he'll try to act on it other than being playful.

I guess there are just things that I have a hard time being comfortable with, but I feel like I can chalk those up to jealousy (occasional texting, lunch away from work). But every once in a while those little things stir up the feelings I typed above, and though she has said many times "Maybe I should stop being friends with him", I know she doesn't mean it, but that's because it would probably hurt her - she has tried to make other girlfriends at work, but they just aren't very friendly or as outgoing.

So since I feel like I have to just suck it up, how can I make this easier on myself and my wife?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My take on this is that your wife is being pretty up front and honest with you, but you need to be clear about your boundaries.

I think her line about "Maybe I shouldn't be friends with him" is an opportunity for you to step up and give her your boundaries about the situation. Of course you can't control who she chooses as friends, but you can decide what over the line is for you. (If it were me, I'd start with no opposite-sex lunch dates without the other spouse being there, but everyone is different.)

I wouldn't just let it go without saying your piece on that matter. It seems like your wife is looking to you for direction. You will lose respect in her eyes if you don't take some kind of action, in my opinion.


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

That is good advice, because I think she is looking for direction. The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him. The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.

So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Energy said:


> The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him.


Well of course.



Energy said:


> The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.
> 
> So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.


I'm not seeing why you can't say, "I thought you and OM going on lunch breaks wouldn't bother me. I was wrong. Please stop." Just be honest. She's on your side.

I am not sure why you are going after the OM so hard, when in reality, you are telling us that your big issue is your wife's boundaries with this guy. Stand up and lead. Make some policies - and make them gender neutral so she understands. Don't say, "I want to read every text from that guy.", but instead, "We need to be completely transparent about our interactions with opposite sex friends, including text messages." Or whatever is appropriate.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are in a situation, that very well could turn out very badly

He is her fall-back guy---if there was ever a problem, or major dissension---and please don't try to tell me they don't happen, cuz they do in all mge's.---she would be off to him in a shot---and it is in those times, that things that never should happen---do happen

Your gut is telling you this ain't right, otherwise you wouldn't be here

Cut it off now---before you all regret what just might happen

Married women, should not have a heavy relationship with another man---that is what the H., is for

A male friend should be talked to, once every couple of days, light-hearted about general things, and that's it

Whether she likes it or not---it is time she cut way back on her relationship with him---possibly even NC---the other 3 may not like it---especially the other couple---but you know what---they don't put food on your table, they don't take care of your family---they don't pay your bills, --they don't handle your emergencies----I hope you get my drift

Find some friends, who are just that basic friends, who do not overstep their bounds

If things with this guy are happening at your wife's job---that also needs to be dealt with

Do not wait---if something happens---the results could very well be devastating


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Don't be a sucker.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Energy said:


> That is good advice, because I think she is looking for direction. The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him. The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.
> 
> So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.


The most telling thing is that your here discussing this situation.
You're clearly very uncomfortable with this relationship. He is having the relationship with your wife that he can't /won't have with his own wife.

I wonder who he imagines making love to when he is with his wife.

Are they texting, emailing, Facebook etc. ?

Tell your wife this is really bothering you more and more. What can she suggest? If this were me it would have to have been stopped a long time ago. 

Women and men, best friends and that's all? I thought this argument had been settled a long time ago.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would tell her that it's clear he has the hots for her, and there is not room in you marriage for her to have a male friend, in a troubled marriage, who has the hots for her, in your lives. Its just not right for a wife to have a male best friend.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know what is going on, it's not as if you are completely out to lunch on what is taking place here.


She is obviously aware of it as well.

Ask her, if the roles were reversed and you hung out with a woman whom your wife knew was sexually attracted to you, would she be comfortable with the 'friendship'?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I would tell her that it's clear he has the hots for her, and there is not room in you marriage for her to have a male friend, in a troubled marriage, who has the hots for her, in your lives. Its just not right for a wife to have a male best friend.


That is a pretty broad statement. I have a male best friend. We have been friends since I was 16 and he was 14, he is the little brother I never had. I knew him long before I knew my husband and my husband knew about him going into the marriage. Now the male BBF in the originals posters relationship may or not be causing problems, but to say no wife should ever have a male best friend is a little narrow minded.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

At least ajs is upfront with men. I would pass. I'm not interested in sword fights. 

Working with men is no biggie, socializing would not be my cup of tea. No matter what women THINK their relationship is with other men, there is always and underlying sexual current with the guy (and women like it) We can't help it. Just the way it is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If you are not her best male best friend you have problems dude.
Her having a best friend who is female is fine.

Essentially, you have three people in your marriage. Bad idea. Ticking time bomb.

If they are doing things together without you then they are dating.

Boundaries.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

ajs09876 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I also have two male best friends. I've had one since grade school and one since junior high. I told every guy I've ever dated that they come with the package. If you can't handle my being friends with them then don't bother with me. I think this guys wife has been very transparent with her relationship with her best friend. They've all been out together, she tells him about the lunches and seems to genuinely care about her husbands feelings on the matter. To say that two people simply can't be friends because one is a man and one is a woman is crazy. Just because some people can't handle it doesn't mean that OP's wife is cheating. Get to know the guy, you said he's a decent guy. And come on, your wife is urging you to hang out with him one on one! Would she really do that if she was having an affair? Working at a place where you have no one to talk to is hard. We are social creatures. If you aren't noticing any red flags, and your only concern is that he's a man and she's a woman, I personally think that's crazy.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

and this works both ways...

I can't say any of my OS friends are my best friends... but they are great friends, some I have had before H. If a spouse has an issue that no OS friendship can be strictly plutonic... that is a problem that needs to be addressed. It speaks of insecurities. I have friends both male and female... all have their strict boundaries that I require of them. That's the social system of human nature. Discussions vary from the mundane, like sports, to personal matters just to get another point of view... all is taken with a grain of salt and I can assess the information. Doesn't mean I want to climb into bed with any of them! Gay, straight or otherwise... there is no sexual thought whatsoever! I do understand that as the human species, we are hard wired for certain thought patterns.. threat issues. However we were also graced with a rational brain,I know of course is not always utilized, but we have the potential to use it well... again 
the delightful human condition!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I understand about good friends of the opposite sex---and if you make it clear up front---they come with you, and your prospective partner goes for that fine---I don't really think that is a very successful situation, but it all depends on what the prospective spouse is willing to put up with

I do know that things escalate from friend to lovers in a split second, many times cuz of inflamed feelings---and in that second lives are ruined

The spouse is spose to replace the best friend---

Have friends, of the opposite sex, keep it light, keep it occasional---and it really is none of their business, what goes on behind closed married doors

As to little brothers, same deal---most siblings do not really goes on in the marriage of other sibs---until/unless great problems occur---that the family tries to help out with


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I understand about good friends of the opposite sex---and if you make it clear up front---they come with you, and your prospective partner goes for that fine---I don't really think that is a very successful situation, but it all depends on what the prospective spouse is willing to put up with
> 
> I do know that things escalate from friend to lovers in a split second, many times cuz of inflamed feelings---and in that second lives are ruined
> 
> ...



So, just to clarify, and this begs the question... if family is to be there for one another... as mine is no matter the topic or issue, mundane or deep (well.. what's left of my family that is) what if, lets say, an only child who's parents have passed away, but have very old dear OS friends of the same general age group that are more like a brother or sister... do you mean that the friendship / bond be extinguished just because it is not a blood relative? I'm sorry.. I don't believe in such an isolationistic point of view... I believe it takes a loving caring community of family and friends of all ages and genders to create a whole person and society in general.

just my sociological 2 cents...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Not saying give up long standing friends---but the friendship has to be kept at the level of friends---that means no flirting, no touching, no deep talk, about the mge.---Occasional lunch with others, if it is a male friend----going to lunch repeatedly with men, is not a good idea---you may think it is fine, and innocent---but this all boils down to the perception of the spouse, and since you chose to marry your spouse, and hopefully you did your homework, as to what kind of a person, your spouse is---you have to bend/yield, to some of your previous/prior to the mge. commitments------If they your spouse, are bothered by the repeated contact, and the context it is made in.

Remember you chose this spouse/mge., and what goes with it---no one twisted your arm, and forced you to say I Do

It all boils down to what the 2 of you can live with, and in all reality, the mge., is spose to come 1st, before anything else---that includes, family, and long time friends

If you couldn't/can't hack that scene, then you should not have said I Do!!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Not saying give up long standing friends---but the friendship has to be kept at the level of friends---that means no flirting, no touching, no deep talk, about the mge.---Occasional lunch with others, if it is a male friend----going to lunch repeatedly with men, is not a good idea---you may think it is fine, and innocent---but this all boils down to the perception of the spouse, and since you chose to marry your spouse, and hopefully you did your homework, as to what kind of a person, your spouse is---you have to bend/yield, to some of your previous/prior to the mge. commitments------If they your spouse, are bothered by the repeated contact, and the context it is made in.
> 
> Remember you chose this spouse/mge., and what goes with it---no one twisted your arm, and forced you to say I Do
> 
> ...


Very interesting point of view... however I respectfully disagree. 
My marriage is based upon the Orthodox faith.. there are no vows involved..shared between the spouses... but you would not have known that. The vows are directed to God and God alone. So arguing over the classical "I Do's" is meaningless to me.

and I will leave it at that... and agree to disagree on this point.

be well


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a difference between the guy that has been 'friend zoned' forever, and the guy who suddenly shows up in the midst of your marriage or relationship and your partner declares them as a 'best friend'.

The friend zoned guy? He's no threat. Never will be, even if he is attracted to your partner, it's not likely he'd act on it, and even less likely that she would be interested in him.

The other kind of male best friend is the guy who is more than happy to fill any 'gaps' in your relationship. And all the while subtly coaxing the relationship towards being far more than platonic.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Not saying give up long standing friends---but the friendship has to be kept at the level of friends---that means no flirting, no touching, no deep talk, about the mge.---Occasional lunch with others, if it is a male friend----going to lunch repeatedly with men, is not a good idea---you may think it is fine, and innocent---but this all boils down to the perception of the spouse, and since you chose to marry your spouse, and hopefully you did your homework, as to what kind of a person, your spouse is---you have to bend/yield, to some of your previous/prior to the mge. commitments------If they your spouse, are bothered by the repeated contact, and the context it is made in.
> 
> Remember you chose this spouse/mge., and what goes with it---no one twisted your arm, and forced you to say I Do
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Anything else for me would be a deal breaker. And really that is all that would matter. Either a couple can work their boundaries out or they cannot. Ideally this gets worked out before the marriage. 

I thought I could have close female friends. What an idiot and jerk I was for thinking I could handle that! The rest is history. This very well may work for other folks. Idunno.

But I will continue to encourage folks away from this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> That is a pretty broad statement. I have a male best friend. We have been friends since I was 16 and he was 14, he is the little brother I never had. I knew him long before I knew my husband and my husband knew about him going into the marriage. Now the male BBF in the originals posters relationship may or not be causing problems, but to say no wife should ever have a male best friend is a little narrow minded.


They haven't been best friends all that long. They work together and go out to lunch with each other. They talk about their marriages/problems with each other. He can't relate to his wife. She sure is handy ain't she.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

This is all about perspectives if you ask me. I have always had male best friends! And I am also extremely loyal in romantic relationships. From MY perspective, you either trust your wife or you don't. I would never be with a man who tried to tell me I could not be friends with guys, bc I would lose most of my friends LOL! And if she's being completely honest about her communication with him then I don't see what the problem is. However, fidelity is in the eyes of the beholder so to speak. If it's a deal breaker for you then it is.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

And I definitely do talk about my marriage to my closest male friends. That does not belie any attraction or romantic intimacy between us whatsoever! If that was the case I would not be friends with them.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Simple solution:

The husband should get some best female friends to confide with.


I now feel the universe is balanced once again.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

aug said:


> Simple solution:
> 
> The husband should get some best female friends to confide with.
> 
> ...


:rofl:Love it!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

aug said:


> Simple solution:
> 
> The husband should get some best female friends to confide with.
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup::rofl: 

Absolutely! Perhaps he could objectively learn a thing or three more about the female of the species!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Blind trust is .... blind. It is also lazy. 

If your primary motivation is love for your partner and putting your relationship first do not go with blind trust. If you are not interested in an open relationship with your wife, ensure that proper boundaries are in place. Having trust does not mean no boundaries. 

You need to be able to trust your wife to not engage other men as their best friends. Best friends is a pretty deep emotional relationship / bond. Some view best friends as a for life deal and marriage partners as temporary.

You should trust her to stay within the agreed upon boundaries. That is well placed trust. The problem seems to be that there are no agreed upon boundaries around this for you. Best get moving on that. The sooner the better. They need to be equitable but a true indicator of where the boundaries need to be.

To not play the EA game is the best way to avoid its destruction. It is a slippery slope. Going through a long spearation to redefine the marriage is probably what you do not want to do. So I suggest you get in front of this sooner than later. EAs can escalate very quickly. They can also build for some time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"He is also very flirty when he is drunk - now really, who isn't - but this means whenever we go out I am extremely protective, and this bugs my wife, who agrees with me that he likes my wife's attention, but doesn't think that he'll try to act on it other than being playful."



Trust your gut,, don't even think about sucking it up.



"Whenever we go out as a couple, his wife comments about how he never talks to her about stuff, but talks to my wife about everything (somehow this doesn't bother her?). And if you ever met his wife, she's not at all bi***y, quite the opposite, but...I'll refrain from any mean opinions, but she is totally different from us and I would never have paired them together."

When your together watch wife closely for body language. Is their marriage in worse shape than it looks at first glance. He might just be looking for her replacement.


This whole situation is bizarre. I would be furious if my wife went out on a lunch date with a male coworker.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Personally, if this friend gets flirty with her when he's drunk, the alpha thing to do would be to say this ( let's say his name is bob):

"Bob. Do you really want me to b!tch slap you? Because your getting flirty with my wife."

Simple, but effective. And he will get the point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Okay update time. 

The OM asked my wife to lunch again and she said no because she remembered how I was upset last time. I told her thank you for remembering my feelings, and that even though I originally said it was okay for her to go out to lunch with him once in a while (remember, she asked me at the very beginning, and even that was a few years after we had all known each other), I said that I actually was uncomfortable with the whole situation. I even told her I felt that, while he does seem to be a genuine friend, that he goes too far in communicating with her that it shows he is getting something from my wife that he is obviously not getting from his own. After hearing this, my wife, though disagreeing that he was getting anything more from her than from his own wife, said that she would always side with me and respect my wishes if it made me feel uncomfortable. She said she would stop having lunch outside of the normal group workplace. I said we should have boundaries when we have opposite sex friends, and she agreed.


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

And we recently all went out in a group outing and drank quite a bit, and he wasn't flirtatious with my wife at all. Regardless, though, as Acorn pointed out my problem is the boundaries thing, and now that is taken care of.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Excellent.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"and he wasn't flirtatious with my wife at all."

Does this mean she said something to him? Remember always, trust but verify.

Good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am glad to hear she respected your wishes. That is very good.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Energy said:


> And we recently all went out in a group outing and drank quite a bit, and he wasn't flirtatious with my wife at all. Regardless, though, as Acorn pointed out my problem is the boundaries thing, and now that is taken care of.


Congrats!!!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Energy said:


> And we recently all went out in a group outing and drank quite a bit, and he wasn't flirtatious with my wife at all. Regardless, though, as Acorn pointed out my problem is the boundaries thing, and now that is taken care of.


That's awesome! Good luck Energy.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Group outings = GREAT!
Solo OS outings = DATE!

Which is not so great...I touched briefly on this with my hubby, who was contacted by a former colleague (female) to go out for supper. To me, it just sounded too much like a date, so I put the kibosh on it. I happily suggested that he invite the colleague over to our house, or that we all go out for drinks. And guess what? He never heard from her again! Pffft! And if I'd lied to myself, and told him it didn't bother me at all, go ahead...who knows where it may have led? Best all round advice is to just avoid situations like this when you're attached. If you want to date, don't get married!


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

My difference is that we went out many times as a group before they ever had a few solo outings. They were friends at work, however. The OM seemed very often to push for group meetings and has gone out with just me on occasion. His friendliness is one of the reasons that I tried solving my problem by focusing on his - that I feel his relationship with his wife sucks and he is unconsciously latching on to mine a little too much. But as Acorn said, focus on the boundary issue instead, since it was getting straight to this point, so I did.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Group outings = GREAT!
> Solo OS outings = DATE!
> 
> Which is not so great...I touched briefly on this with my hubby, who was contacted by a former colleague (female) to go out for supper. To me, it just sounded too much like a date, so I put the kibosh on it. I happily suggested that he invite the colleague over to our house, or that we all go out for drinks. And guess what? He never heard from her again! Pffft! And if I'd lied to myself, and told him it didn't bother me at all, go ahead...who knows where it may have led? Best all round advice is to just avoid situations like this when you're attached. If you want to date, don't get married!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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