# Still hurt after 14 years and husband does'nt understand why.



## jlk82 (Jun 16, 2014)

I met my husband when he was 22 and I was 18. He was married but separated from his then wife at the time.

They had only dated for a few months when they got married. They paid for the wedding (which will be important in a minute).

So fast forward 3 years I am pregnant with our 2nd child and he is STILL married to his wife. He always said he did'nt have the money for a divorce, however he had the money to pay for a wedding, which is much more expensive given their situation (easy divorce, no children, property, etc.).

It was me who finally went down to the library and got the free divorce forms and with a baby in my lap sat there and typed them up on the typewriter. 

He has always been upset because I did not give the children his last name, well he was married to another women and I did'nt feel right about my children not having the same last name as me. Maybe I did it out of spite but that has been his biggest hold up, their name, not the fact that he remained married to another woman years after we met.

He finally asked me to marry him after our 3rd child and a huge fight about why he hadn't asked me yet.

Now we are 14 years into our relationship , we have 5 kids and just 3 months ago finally got married at the courthouse,because if we are married it's easier to change the kids name.


How this all went down hurts me. He does'nt see why him proposing and marrying another women after knowing her just a few months, having a wedding,reception, honeymoon, giving her his last name etc. would bother me. When it took me basically forcing him to ask me.
We had kids together and he still did'nt ask me, or even bother to divorce his first wife.


Other then this issue everything else is pretty good, it's just this one nagging thing. He thinks it does'nt matter, but it matters to me. He gets angry and defensive when I bring it up, but maybe I just want to talk to him and try to understand why it took him 13 years to want to marry me and only a few months for him to want to marry her.

So am I being too sensitive, should this not bother me?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He married her when he was young and stupid. It was a big mistake, apparently, so perhaps he was worried about repeating it. The reluctance to divorce her is strange, though, and after many years together it's also odd that he was reluctant to marry you - he should have gotten over his prior mistake by then, especially as he was having multiple children with you.

Aside from these issues, has your relationship been good? I would have to assume that it is very good since you continued to have children with him and stayed together.


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## jlk82 (Jun 16, 2014)

It has been good, no major problems, occasional fighting but who does'nt do that. We are pretty much equals in the relationship, and share the parenting and house work responsibilities.

Really it's about as good as it can be I think, it's just this one issue that bugs me, and his lack of understanding and unwillingness to talk to me about only makes it worse.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why on earth would you produce babies with a man married to someone else. 

What is best for your kids? Do that and stop fighting wars that are a direct result of your actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jlk82 said:


> I met my husband when he was 22 and I was 18.
> 
> Maybe I did it out of spite but that has been his biggest hold up, their name, not the fact that he remained married to another woman years after we met.
> 
> How this all went down hurts me. He does'nt see why him proposing and marrying another women after knowing her just a few months, having a wedding,reception, honeymoon, giving her his last name etc. would bother me. When it took me basically forcing him to ask me.


Captain Obvious here, and please don't take this offensively, but you chose to get involved with a man who was still married to another woman. Not only that, but you chose to have children with him, too. 

So it seems you have had a problem with this since the beginning, yet saw no issue in being involved with him under the circumstances in the first place.

Fourteen years is a long time to be upset by something you knew about from the beginning and went along with. It seems odd that you'd be mad at at him for being married when you in fact got with him while he was married...(and stayed with him, too and had our kids with him while he was still married to someone else).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Why on earth would you produce babies with a man married to someone else.


Especially since it bothered her that he was married... :scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Captain Obvious here, and please don't take this offensively, but you chose to get involved with a man who was still married to another woman. Not only that, but you chose to have children with him, too.
> 
> So it seems you have had a problem with this since the beginning, yet saw no issue in being involved with him under the circumstances in the first place.
> 
> Fourteen years is a long time to be upset by something you knew about from the beginning and went along with. It seems odd that you'd be at at him for being married when you in fact got with him while he was married...(and stayed with him, too and had our kids with him while he was still married to someone else).


I agree with Captain Obvious. You need to find a way to make peace with what happened in the past. 

C


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## jlk82 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's not as if he was living with her when we met, they had already been separated for 6-7 months, and only together for less then 6 months before that. It was a very short relationship.
He viewed it as just some mistake he made, and tried to just ignore it and pretend like it never happened.

I did'nt think it was my place to demand he divorce her, he thought it was enough just being separated and having nothing to do with her.

Our children have not suffered any because of this, we keep what little discussion we have about it private. 

Like I said before other then this our relationship is pretty good.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm shocked you guys are going on 14 years, based on the previous story.

Regardless if he was with her or not, divorce PRIOR to getting involved with him (even dating).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

jlk82 said:


> It's not as if he was living with her when we met, they had already been separated for 6-7 months, and only together for less then 6 months before that. It was a very short relationship.
> He viewed it as just some mistake he made, and tried to just ignore it and pretend like it never happened.
> 
> I did'nt think it was my place to demand he divorce her, he thought it was enough just being separated and having nothing to do with her.
> ...


Find a way to let it go. Then your relationship can be ALL good. 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> The time to have been upset about his reluctance to divorce his first wife was 14 years ago, BEFORE you two started playing house. You said he finally married you 3 months ago? It's done. You fought a hard fight and finally won. Smile


:iagree:



PBear said:


> *I agree with Captain Obvious. *


This just amde my entire day. So funny. Thanks!


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

If other than this the relationship is good, then you need to let it go. As has been said, you knew the deal, you put up with it, you kept having children with him. You are as at fault as him, if there is a fault here.

If the horse is dead, get off.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF marriage is important to you the way you communicate this to a man is to not live with him, not have babies, and not act as if you are married. And so it has been for eons. You did not do that.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

You both made some really messed up decisions earlier in life - that's some serious Dr. Phil stuff right there. The fact that you're still even together strikes me as nothing short of a miracle, so I wouldn't bear a grudge about any of that hot mess from fourteen years back. You both made mistakes, it sounds like both of you were being very immature, but you've both come through it. 

You're married now, you have the kids, you must have a good relationship or I can't imagine how you could've made it this far, so just chalk it up to being young and making bad decisions and move forward. Good luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jlk82 said:


> I did'nt think it was my place to demand he divorce her,


That's because it wasn't. 

Nonetheless, Lila is right--you got what you wanted--he married you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> This just amde my entire day. So funny. Thanks!


I'm going to start a petition to have your profile name changed! And you need to get out more! 

C


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

As the song goes (ad nauseum)...."Let It Go"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He married you. The kids finally have his name. Definitely time to move on.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with others. This was a silly situation that you participated fully in and made children with this guy knowing the situation. I understand young and dumb in relationships but come on. No way friends and family weren't telling you this was way over the top.

As you sit today you have what you want. So let the past go. If you can't then you need to accept your responsibility in it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'm going to start a petition to have your profile name changed! And you need to get out more!
> 
> C


Thanks. And truth! Lol

Captain Jellybeans!


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

jlk82 said:


> It's not as if he was living with her when we met, they had already been separated for 6-7 months, and only together for less then 6 months before that. It was a very short relationship.
> He viewed it as just some mistake he made, and tried to just ignore it and pretend like it never happened.
> 
> I did'nt think it was my place to demand he divorce her, he thought it was enough just being separated and having nothing to do with her.
> ...



It wasn't your place to demand that I agree with you. However, you had the choice of walking away UNTIL he divorced his then wife. You accepted it back then, so I'm confused as to why it's a problem now or continues to be a problem


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