# Telling the new girlfriend



## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

My partner of 8 years has been seeing someone else all this year and I have only just found out. From the information gathered so far, he had told everyone we had split, but continued to still come and stay at my house whenever he felt like it. So essentially, roles were reversed and she must have been the new girlfriend, while he was still seeing me ont the side.

As most people have told me they thought we had split, I now wonder if she was told that too. He has just moved in with her a fortnight ago as he had to get out of his house. From what I've heard, she is as bad as him and overlaps her relationships, so I'm not sure if it would matter to her or not whether he was still seeing me. 

My question is this: Do I make sure she finds out he's been still sleeping with me as well as her in the last year, or do I just let them get on with it?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

azureblue said:


> My partner of 8 years has been seeing someone else all this year and I have only just found out. From the information gathered so far, he had told everyone we had split, but continued to still come and stay at my house whenever he felt like it. So essentially, roles were reversed and she must have been the new girlfriend, while he was still seeing me ont the side.
> 
> As most people have told me they thought we had split, I now wonder if she was told that too. He has just moved in with her a fortnight ago as he had to get out of his house. From what I've heard, she is as bad as him and overlaps her relationships, so I'm not sure if it would matter to her or not whether he was still seeing me.
> 
> My question is this: Do I make sure she finds out he's been still sleeping with me as well as her in the last year, or do I just let them get on with it?


We need to know more. Are you and your partner married? Are there any children? Is a formal divorce being planned? And last, what do you want to happen?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How do you plan to tell her? What would you say to her exactly? I might send her a cactus plant with a little note on it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

azureblue said:


> My partner of 8 years has been seeing someone else all this year and I have only just found out. From the information gathered so far, he had told everyone we had split, but continued to still come and stay at my house whenever he felt like it. So essentially, roles were reversed and she must have been the new girlfriend, while he was still seeing me ont the side.
> 
> As most people have told me they thought we had split, I now wonder if she was told that too. He has just moved in with her a fortnight ago as he had to get out of his house. From what I've heard, she is as bad as him and overlaps her relationships, so I'm not sure if it would matter to her or not whether he was still seeing me.
> 
> My question is this: Do I make sure she finds out he's been still sleeping with me as well as her in the last year, or do I just let them get on with it?


azureblue,
Everyone thinking that you guys have been split up the past year is because you guys were split up but you became a booty call. I'm sure it can sneak up on people. But first things first. You need to work on your esteem so you don't let someone else use you and so you don't become someone you're not proud of.

Regarding whether you should tell his gf or not? I don't think either helps or hurts. Do whatever you will feel okay with later. Just stop sleeping with this pr!ck.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

What kind of relationship are you planning on remaining in with this POS? Total split, sexual when he feels like it, sexual when you both feel like it, emotional on your part? You need to decide on this first. 

If you decide to fight for him, then tell her. If not, let the karma bus hit the both of them as mutual infidelity will doom it better than you could.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> We need to know more. Are you and your partner married? Are there any children? Is a formal divorce being planned? And last, what do you want to happen?


No not married, no children together.

I don't know what I want to happen right now. I've only just found out in the last week so am literally devastated. I love him dearly and want him back even though my head tells me I'm an idiot.

I guess right now I want him to suffer, so am tempted to tell, but I don't want to be the jealous woman who's trying to cause trouble either.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> How do you plan to tell her? What would you say to her exactly? I might send her a cactus plant with a little note on it.


LOL excellent idea.

No I don't think I could contact her directly, even though I have her number. 

I do know someone who would make it be known to her though. A mutual friend.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> azureblue,
> Everyone thinking that you guys have been split up the past year is because you guys were split up but you became a booty call. .


Yes it appears to be that way.
We decided to split twice but it only lasted a couple of days and then we'd give it another go. I had no idea she was still in the picture, he told me he'd slept with her twice in a drunken state and that he had no one lined up and wasn't seeing anyone. I stupidly believed him.

I am still in shock because he never even ended it with me. He just disappeared one night when he was coming over to stay. I've now heard he's moved in with her. He was obviously too gutless to tell me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any proof that he's been seeing you? Emails? Texts? 

If you don't he will most likely just tell her that you are a jealous, lying ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to do some serious soul searching. He is going to out of his way to use you and to hurt you. How do you love someone how does this to you?

IF you had a dog that bit you every time you fed it, would you keep the dog?


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have any proof that he's been seeing you? Emails? Texts?
> 
> If you don't he will most likely just tell her that you are a jealous, lying ex.


I certainly do. I have texts going all the way back to when they 1st slept together.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You need to do some serious soul searching. He is going to out of his way to use you and to hurt you. How do you love someone how does this to you?
> 
> IF you had a dog that bit you every time you fed it, would you keep the dog?


I am very aware of that. I can't understand my own reasoning right now. My head is very clear on what has happened and what a POS he is and what a lying, cheating, deceitful, hurtful specimen he is.

But do you think I can change the way I feel about him? No.

I desperately want to hate him. I don't want to love him anymore. I am thinking this is some sort of brain illusion, but I can't seem to stop it no matter how hard I try. I've loved this man for 8 years with all my heart, and I have no reason to. I just can't explain it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

azureblue said:


> But do you think I can change the way I feel about him? No.


Yes you can change how you feel about him.



azureblue said:


> I desperately want to hate him. I don't want to love him anymore. I am thinking this is some sort of brain illusion, but I can't seem to stop it no matter how hard I try. I've loved this man for 8 years with all my heart, and I have no reason to. I just can't explain it.


It's because you allow him near you, you talk to him. You have complete control over this.

Go 100% dark on him. Send him an email telling him that you are done and do not ever want to talk to him again. If he contacts you again you will consider it stalking. 

Talk with a supportive friend. Tel them that you need someone to talk to help you maintain no contact.

Block his number on your phone, block his email. Hang up if he calls. If he comes to your home do not answer the door. Do not even yell through the door for him to leave. If he does not leave in a reasonable amount of time, call the police.

He's poison. Treat him like it.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> What kind of relationship are you planning on remaining in with this POS? Total split, sexual when he feels like it, sexual when you both feel like it, emotional on your part? You need to decide on this first.
> 
> If you decide to fight for him, then tell her. If not, let the karma bus hit the both of them as mutual infidelity will doom it better than you could.


As much as my heart is screaming out for him to change his mind and come back to me, my head tells me to leave it alone.
I miss him terribly but I refuse to be second choice. And I daresay he won't come back anyway if he's moved in with her.

I think I'll just go look for the bus timetable to see when that karma bus is due. Hope its not late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

azureblue said:


> I certainly do. I have texts going all the way back to when they 1st slept together.


Well, since they seem to be two peas in a pod, just let her find out what he's like.

Since you need to end all contact with him, do not give her any info it's not in your best interest.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, don't hate him. That involves emotion. You want indifference. Detachment. A point where he doesn't matter. When you start thinking about him, redirect your thoughts. Have little goals (a minute without thinking about him; five minutes without thinking of him, etc.) Keep at it. It isn't easy but it can be done.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It's because you allow him near you, you talk to him. You have complete control over this.
> 
> Go 100% dark on him. Send him an email telling him that you are done and do not ever want to talk to him again. If he contacts you again you will consider it stalking.
> 
> ...


I haven't seen or heard from him since he disappeared on the night he was due to stay over. He also doesn't have computer or email and he is totally unable to be contacted, even his friends or work can't reach him. All the times he said his phone was broken, well it looks like it actually HAS now.

I stopped texting him when I found out the truth through others. He has never replied. This may be due to broken phone or not wanting to face me but either way, I can't see me being in danger of him ever contacting me if he's gone so far as to move in with her.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

Openminded said:


> No, don't hate him. That involves emotion. You want indifference. Detachment. A point where he doesn't matter. When you start thinking about him, redirect your thoughts. Have little goals (a minute without thinking about him; five minutes without thinking of him, etc.) Keep at it. It isn't easy but it can be done.


Yes you're right. Indifference is what I'm after.

I've been trying to keep busy but am having trouble keeping my mind off him. It even affects me at work 

I am thinking it may be because he disappeared and I have had no form of closure. Can't even get it off my chest. It almost feels like he was coming over to stay then went off and died somewhere. (which I thought he actually had until I found out the truth lol)

I'm taking it 5 minutes at a time at the moment. I'll be happy even to get rid of the knots in my stomach, it drives me insane.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

azureblue said:


> I haven't seen or heard from him since he disappeared on the night he was due to stay over. He also doesn't have computer or email and he is totally unable to be contacted, even his friends or work can't reach him. All the times he said his phone was broken, well it looks like it actually HAS now.
> 
> I stopped texting him when I found out the truth through others. He has never replied. This may be due to broken phone or not wanting to face me but either way, I can't see me being in danger of him ever contacting me if he's gone so far as to move in with her.


Well, then if he does contact you, do what I suggested.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago has it been since that time he was supposed to sleep over but did not show up?


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago has it been since that time he was supposed to sleep over but did not show up?


12 days.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

azureblue, it's so much easier when there's a clean break but this guy keeps coming back. These dynamics don't happen over night. They morph over years of actions and reactions.

I'm guessing 5-6 years ago if someone asked you about the scenario you're telling us about now, you would have said "no way will I ever be in that situation". The only way to not be slowly cooked by life is to draw real lines in the sand of what you're willing to let any other person cross. Those lines are based on principle and not emotion or insecurities. Listen to your brain and not your heart in this case.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted.

I don't know whats happened, whether its because I finally managed to cry for the first time last night, or whether the shock has suddenly subsided, but I woke up thismorning and the twisted gut thing was gone 

Overnight, everything has slipped into place. Its so simple: He didn't just continue to see her as well as me, she has been his GIRLFRIEND all along. I am now 200% sure she has no idea he never ended it with me. 

And I don't know whats wrong with me because I look at my first post and it says exactly that, and yet for some reason it didn't sink in. I think I felt that we were just carrying on with our up/down relationship as normal, and he was secretly still seeing her on the side. The reality is the exact opposite. She is essentially the innocent party. I am the other woman. And I daresay she would flip out if she knew he was still seeing me.

Thundarr you are absolutely right in your post. I have very weak boundaries when it comes to love. Infidelity was the only line I had ever drawn with him. It was the only thing I told him would end us. And yet here I was struggling with being replaced so quickly and I went into panic mode. I have real issues with loss. 

I think its made me realise that their relationship is indeed founded on deceit. He is a liar and a cheat. If he can continue to do that for the first 8 months of a new relationship and the last 8 months of an old relationship, then he'll always do it. It is in his nature.

My head is clear. I love him but I won't tolerate a liar and cheat. I'm moving on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good for you for coming to this point. Moving on is the right thing to do.

And like I said, if you contacts you just block him, ignore him, hand up in him, walk away from him. It's liar and a cheater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

azureblue said:


> No not married, no children together.
> 
> I don't know what I want to happen right now. I've only just found out in the last week so am literally devastated. I love him dearly and want him back even though my head tells me I'm an idiot.
> 
> I guess right now I want him to suffer, so am tempted to tell, but I don't want to be the jealous woman who's trying to cause trouble either.


Sadly, he, the man you want back? He doesn't exist any more. Sorry.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Thundarr you are absolutely right in your post. I have very weak boundaries when it comes to love. Infidelity was the only line I had ever drawn with him. It was the only thing I told him would end us. And yet here I was struggling with being replaced so quickly and I went into panic mode. I have real issues with loss.


Can you recount about when the relationship started to deteriorate and how exactly that was happening?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

azureblue said:


> I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted.
> 
> I don't know whats happened, whether its because I finally managed to cry for the first time last night, or whether the shock has suddenly subsided, but I woke up thismorning and the twisted gut thing was gone
> 
> ...


That's really good azureblue. I think 'light bulb' moments are signs of us growing and evaluating ourselves. They always have been for me anyway. It seems like people who don't have those moments are the ones afraid to accept reality and they're the ones who live life feeling helpless. I hope you're hooked on the clarity you felt this morning. It was a result of you looking at your life and relationship with an open mind rather than being caught up in the emotion of it. I think wisdom is reserved for people who do that . Good luck.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

azureblue said:


> I am still in shock because he never even ended it with me. He just disappeared one night when he was coming over to stay. I've now heard he's moved in with her. He was obviously too gutless to tell me.


WOW - what a coward. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but in time you'll see that in a way it's lucky that this relationship is ending. 

Change your number, block him on social media (deactivate your FB etc if you find you're having trouble actually blocking him) -- just rip the bandaid off.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

quit sleeping with him!

have more respect for yourself. do not settle for this bum! move on to greener pastures.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

azureblue said:


> Overnight, everything has slipped into place. Its so simple: He didn't just continue to see her as well as me, she has been his GIRLFRIEND all along. I am now 200% sure she has no idea he never ended it with me.
> 
> She is essentially the innocent party*. I am the other woman. *And I daresay she would flip out if she knew he was still seeing me.


:scratchhead:

How are you the "other woman" if yo uwere with him for 8 years and only found out he moved in with this chick and that he's been seeing her on the side? Did you know he was with her?

I would probably tell her (if you have her #), call and leave a voice message: "Hey this is X, So and so-s partner of 8 years. I only recently found out he moved in with you and am clearly confused as we were together. He has been sleeping with me this entire time and I am telling you this because despite my feelings, I feel you have the right to know so that you can get tested for STDs and protect yourself."

Nothing more. 

She has a right to know about him, too.

My advice is to be done with him completely. 



azureblue said:


> I had no idea she was still in the picture, he told me he'd slept with her twice in a drunken state and that he had no one lined up and wasn't seeing anyone. I stupidly believed him.


He told you he was on his way over one night and just didn't come over/went to her place/moved in with her? That is a whole 'nother level of dirty and shady. 

How did you find out about this?

Ah, so you did have an inkling about her.



azureblue said:


> I am still in shock because he never even ended it with me. He just disappeared one night when he was coming over to stay. I've now heard he's moved in with her. He was obviously too gutless to tell me.


My advice is to be done with him completely.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

azureblue said:


> My question is this: Do I make sure she finds out he's been still sleeping with me as well as her in the last year, or do I just let them get on with it?



You let her know and tell him to take a hike. Guys, and women, like him need to be exposed so the abuse of those he is currently involved with stop.

But if you tell her, make sure she knows that you had no idea and that you are tell him to never show up at your door again. And I hope you have no intentions of still seeing this jackass.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Can you recount about when the relationship started to deteriorate and how exactly that was happening?


Its hard to explain. Its always been rocky.
I spent the first half of the relationship being disrespected so much I finally lost all my will to keep trying. In the last couple of years I tried to wean myself away from him emotionally, and things flipped around. He then showed more interest in me and the shoe was on the other foot. But he still kept disrespecting me in so many ways and I became tired of it.

I'd say lack of sex/affection is what finally broke him. And I feel guilty for that and feel I could've tried harder. I just know I was worn out mentally and couldn't balance the emotional with the physical. And its the old thing: Men need sex to show love, women need love to want sex. It literally became a stalemate. I kicked him out in September but we still continued seeing each other.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> How are you the "other woman" if yo uwere with him for 8 years and only found out he moved in with this chick and that he's been seeing her on the side? Did you know he was with her?
> *Because she was apparently already his girlfriend. And everyone was aware of that except me. He'd told me it was a 2 night drunken thing and wouldn't be seeing her again. So I continued seeing him unaware that it was actually ME that was now the secret.*
> ...


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Just because other people -- excluding, of course, YOU, his girlfriend of 8 years, who had more right to know than anyone -- knew that this woman was in his life does not make you the OW. _She_ is the OW, regardless of who knew about who.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Just because other people -- excluding, of course, YOU, his girlfriend of 8 years, who had more right to know than anyone -- knew that this woman was in his life does not make you the OW. _She_ is the OW, regardless of who knew about who.


I understand what you mean but I still think _technically_ I was the other woman.

We lived together for 8 years, I kicked him out Sept but kept seeing him. January we had an argument in which he said 'forget about me'. I didnt think anything of it as thats the sort of thing he says when he throws his toys out of the cot, but in *his* version, he was saying its over. 5 days later we were texting again and just went straight back to normal.

In March I got told he had a 'new girlfriend'. I confronted him and things blew up, he told me that he'd said we were over in January (his forget about me comment), and that he slept with her twice. He said he was still in love with me and we decided to give in another shot as I assumed it wasn't really cheating if he thought we'd broken up.

From then till now we've had ups and downs, but he became more and more unavailable, with endless lies about where he was and every excuse about his phone not working and why he had taken 2 days to reply etc.

Fast forward to now, when his family member accidentally called me the name of the woman he'd "slept with twice".
And from my investigating to try and piece it all together, he's taken her to parties and places and to meet his kids etc, and introduced her as his new girlfriend, and it goes back to Feb.

Therefore, in my mind, I am the other woman. He kept *me* secret. No one else knew we were still seeing each other because he told them all we split in January. But they all knew about her. It was only me who didnt.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

azureblue said:


> Therefore, in my mind, I am the other woman. He kept *me* secret. No one else knew we were still seeing each other because he told them all we split in January. But they all knew about her. It was only me who didnt.


Who gives a crap whether you are considered the other woman or his other girlfriend is considered the other woman?

There are more serious issues here. 

Notably that you're willing to share your boyfriend with someone else. I'm sure it's great for his ego having two woman lusting after him but his gain is your loss, you're being treated like you're less of a human being than he is.

There are tons of single guys out there that will treat you better than he has. Maybe it's time to give one of them the opportunity?


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Notably that you're willing to share your boyfriend with someone else.


Can't say I've ever said I'm willing to share my boyfriend with someone else. Because I'm not. 

I'm just hurt and wanting to turn my love off.
And I can't stand to think that he won after everything thats happened. I know its spiteful to not want him to be happy, but thats how I feel right now.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

azureblue said:


> Can't say I've ever said I'm willing to share my boyfriend with someone else. Because I'm not.
> 
> I'm just hurt and wanting to turn my love off.
> And I can't stand to think that he won after everything thats happened. I know its spiteful to not want him to be happy, but thats how I feel right now.


You need to start thinking about taking your focus off of him, and what he's doing and who he's doing it with and whether or not he's happy and start focusing on yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

azureblue said:


> I
> I spent the first half of the relationship being disrespected so much I finally lost all my will to keep trying. In the last couple of years I tried to wean myself away from him emotionally, and things flipped around. He then showed more interest in me and the shoe was on the other foot. But he still kept disrespecting me in so many ways and I became tired of it.
> 
> I just know I was worn out mentally and couldn't balance the emotional with the physical.





azureblue said:


> From then till now we've had ups and downs, but he became more and more unavailable, with endless lies about where he was and every excuse about his phone not working and why he had taken 2 days to reply etc.
> 
> Fast forward to now, when his family member accidentally called me the name of the woman he'd "slept with twice".
> And from my investigating to try and piece it all together, he's taken her to parties and places and to meet his kids etc, and introduced her as his new girlfriend, and it goes back to Feb.


Good grief. That sounds horrible. 

Be done with him once and for all. This guy doesn't deserve you.

Also, spend some time alone to tread through why you think it's ok to be treated poorly by someone and disrespected over and over again. Not healthy at all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> We lived together for 8 years, I kicked him out Sept but kept seeing him.


Azure, what made you decide to stop living with him? But still hope to carry on an exclusive relationship with him?


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Azure, what made you decide to stop living with him? But still hope to carry on an exclusive relationship with him?


I got to the stage I couldn't bear the tension at home and we just weren't getting on. I figured we'd get along better if we weren't living together. It seemed to work and with some extra space I got to miss him and look forward to seeing him. It was no different than normal except we just weren't living together anymore. I asked him several times throughout that time if he was seeing someone else or was pursuing anyone and he always said no. I would have stopped seeing him if it had been a yes, and he knows that. I just wanted honesty.

We are both involved in a sports club every week. Last night at the club he never showed up again and I spoke to a couple of his friends. They have been out to his new girlfriends house to find him as he has even disappeared from work. He is refusing to show his face in town and is not going back to work. He is doing jobs on her house and around her farm. He wont answer the phone when his friends call and is being told he's not there. One friend said he could hear him in the background telling her to say he's not there. She then sent a text to his mate saying he's not coming back to the sports club. Apparently she got snotty that we were still at the club together by ourselves a few weeks ago. This also tells me she had no idea we were still seeing each other.

One of his mates said he thinks he's just too scared to show his face in town because he is avoiding confrontation with me, because he knows I could potentially mess up his new relationship by telling her he'd still been seeing me.

He's gutless to the core.
It actually only tempts me to tell her even more, just to upset his perfect little world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you know all of that, it's time for you to stop asking about him and turn your attention onto yourself.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

azureblue said:


> he told me he'd slept with her twice in a drunken state and that he had no one lined up and wasn't seeing anyone. I stupidly believed him.


Actually, it seems like the stupid part is being ok that he "only" slept with here twice.



> I am still in shock because he never even ended it with me. He just disappeared one night when he was coming over to stay. I've now heard he's moved in with her. He was obviously too gutless to tell me.


Do you tell the neigborhood cats & squirrels goodbye when you move? I don't think he has any respect for you, so why bother.

I hope you can find your self respect some day, where this kind of life just isn't for you anymore.


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## azureblue (Aug 10, 2014)

JerryB said:


> Actually, it seems like the stupid part is being ok that he "only" slept with here twice.
> 
> 
> Do you tell the neigborhood cats & squirrels goodbye when you move? I don't think he has any respect for you, so why bother.
> ...


I know it sounds stupid, but I only let it go as he was of the belief that we were no longer officially 'together' at that time.

And no you don't say goodbye to all the cats and squirrels when you move, but I would have thought 8 years of being with him gave me some sort of right to closure. Guess not.

I'm working of my self respect, although I am carrying a lot of guilt and feelings of rejection still. One day at a time.


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