# My change is too late :(



## 134722 (May 10, 2014)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been with her? How long married? It sounds like just a year. Is that right?

They way you describe her, she has never met your needs. She was basically a cold to you. So why do you think things would be any better even if you never cheat again? It does not sound like she was ever passionate even before you cheated. 

If the enter marriage has been a year, then you have been working on your own recover for only a couple of months.. that's only a few weeks. That's not enough time for her to trust that you have actually changed.

You talk about you allowing her to move forward. You have no control over what she does. It's her choice. You don't allow her to do anything.


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## 134722 (May 10, 2014)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is she is still around for you to interact with and you are still wanting a relationship with her, then it would make sense for you to continue to make efforts to show her that you have changed.


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## 134722 (May 10, 2014)

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## 134722 (May 10, 2014)

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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I'd be interested in learning of her reaction to your letter.

If she was not reactive to your most recent online stint, it means she is more than likely completely shut down to you emotionally. And although there are always exceptions to every rule, once a woman has reached that point there is no going back. I would argue that for most women (excluding those who are cheating - that's an entirely different ballgame), once the switch has been turned off there is no turning it back on. She likely left you emotionally a long time ago, and is just now acting upon that lack of emotion.

The title of your posting is very fitting. To me it just sounds too little too late. And although you thoroughly explain yourself and your plan for change in your letter to her, I still sense the air of...I don't know. Something. I can't put my finger on it. It honestly doesn't come across to me with a tone of genuine remorse. It has the air of superiority, and borderline snobbery. I don't say that to be antagonistic, and EleGirl did not have that intent in her posting either. When people first come to TAM they often get a bit defensive when they hear things they don't want to hear. I know because I was once that way as well. If you truly want to change, you have to be vulnerable, you have to dig deep, and you have to face the hard, uncomfortable truths about yourself that you've likely repressed for a long time. True discovery, and subsequently true change, doesn't come about seamlessly. It's ugly, it's hard, and it shakes you to your core. You're still just scratching the surface, and that is evident in your letter.

Please do share what she tells you her thoughts are regarding your letter so we know what direction to help give you guidance in.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

OP, I agree with you that your change is too late. You used your silver bullet the first time, and then strayed again. It appears she's done. 

My recommendation for you is to learn from what happened, and take those lessons forward into developing yourself and into a future relationship if you choose. 

HL


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Well actions speak louder than words. Your actions speak volumes about you. If I were her I would leave you. You have demonstrated that by your past behaviors that you are untrustworthy in your marriage. IMO you come across as selfish in your post. 

Obviously you are not perfect for each other despite what you say. 

You say you intend to change. Why should your wife believe you? Most of what you plan on changing is how you think. It is actions that count. I see very little that you plan to change as far as your actions go. Your thought process is not going to matter to your wife. Only your actions will. One action you could take, and a very small one is blocking your account on craigslist so that you are unable to access it again. 

Apologies mean little without a plan of action behind them. Even in your letter you are making demands on her without realizing what you are doing. Dude you have a long way to go.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You've been a complete and total jerk. Let her go if yo ucare about her and keep working on yourself so you can be a better man and not so insecure that you need to hump everything that moves and hurt people you love. You marriage is over and if you care one bit about her, you will let her go and any contact you have over the divorce you will be cordial and give her a good settlement. 

You can shove your apologies, they mean jack and are just manipulative. Get your self into Sex addicts anonymous or something.


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