# Husband sends porn\women pics & video clips to our married male friends.



## TheParisInMe

Hi,
I've been married for 4 years.

First of all I would like to start that I've had another issue with my husband 2 years ago, and I try to live with it but I cannot forget it. I am not someone who just gives up easily on marriage so I've been trying to heal myself in the meantime and continue to try at our relationship.

Thing is, from that time I cannot trust him 100%. It's from that experience and also experience from a past relationship that effects my behaviour. 
I think every woman thinks she has the perfect husband, married life and then one day lightning strikes.

I check his phone from time to time. Yes I do.
Fast forward to this week, and I realise he has been sending photos of nude\semi nude\porn pics to our male friends and even to my cousin. 
Some don't even reply back to these photos. A couple do.

To add more, I am on birth control pills and this has lowered my sex drive a lot though I try to make an effort. 

Now I feel so ashamed and degraded by these photos I don't know if I'm right to feel like this.

I know he has a group of friends that he receives them from, but I don't care what they send. 
I don't mind if he watches porn also,(I watch it too sometimes), but I do mind a lot when he's sending these to our friends. 
Maybe I am not enough, but like this he's telling our friends that I'm not enough for him. 
I don't know if I can confront him and this all has sent me on the brink of depression to make it all worse.
Please don't tell me to go off the birth control because from this behaviour, his children are the last thing I want.

Thanks for any input to see others' perspectives. 
Feel free to ask any questions. 

S


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## SunCMars

TheParisInMe said:


> His children are the last thing I want.


This says it all.

Counseling for both of you.
Or divorce for both of you.

Your problems, as stated, can be overcome. 
It sounds like resentment and feeling unappreciated has overtaken you.

You are still young. 
While presently unpleasant, the world has not ended.


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## TheParisInMe

SunCMars said:


> TheParisInMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> His children are the last thing I want.
> 
> 
> 
> This says it all.
> 
> Counseling for both of you.
> Or divorce for both of you.
> 
> Your problems, as stated, can be overcome.
> It sounds like resentment and feeling unappreciated has overtaken you.
> 
> You are still young.
> While presently unpleasant, the world has not ended.
Click to expand...

I love him to the point that I cannot bring myself to be angry at him, but what he's just done has put me off children because as we stand we have problems and no space for bringing another being into the world. 

Yes I do have huge resentment towards him, because for me only he exists, while he shows to our friends that he likes something more.


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## NJ2

I would think couselling as well- to help him understand that this behaviour is hurtful and embarassing to you. He needs a new empathetic perspective. I'd like to hear if any of the guys on this forum that watch porn also send pics to other people of it. It doesnt reflect on his love for you but it does seem disrespectful IMO- especially when it effects how you feel about yourself and your relationship. You aren't asking for much!

Try asking your doctor for Wellbutrin (brand name only no substitutions) to help with your depression- it has a side effect of increasing libido. 

Good Luck.


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## Married but Happy

9 out of 10 of my married/attached male friends send me this stuff, as well as off-color jokes, via email, on facebook, and occasionally texts. Some of these guys are pretty strait-laced types, too. Sometimes I'll forward them on to the others. The more interesting or outrageous ones I'll show to my wife. In my experience, this is common. As long as the photos aren't of any of the wives, etc., of course.

How you feel about it is, of course, how you feel. It doesn't matter if it is "rational." You can deal with the cause of these feelings, or possibly change your response to the triggers. Without knowing the past issue with your husband, it's hard to be specific.

Since you mention you're on hormonal bc, and that it affects your libido (and can have other behavioral/emotional effects), I'll ask if you've considered non-hormonal bc options?


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## She'sStillGotIt

I have yet to read one thread that doesn't have everyone telling you that you both 'need therapy.' Good grief, that's such a cliche response to *everything* anymore. 

The truth is, there are tons of guys just like him who like to look at women and the only thing he's going to learn at therapy when he's confronted with your hurt feelings is that he'll have to hide his picture activity a lot better going forward so he doesn't have to deal with being called on the carpet over and over for doing it. That's *all *you're going to accomplish at some shrink's office with a guy like this. If you think a therapist is going to magically turn him into a choir boy who only has eyes for you, then I can save you the thousands of dollars you'd be wasting at therapy and tell you right up front it ain't gonna happen. Nope, it's not.

And he *will *do the picture and video thing again. That's who he is. He obviously knows it's something you're not thrilled about or he'd be including YOU in the distribution group when he sends the pics, so it's not like he's too stupid to realize you're not a fan of his behavior. Either he simply doesn't care enough _how_ you feel about it, or you haven't voiced your true feelings to him about it (which is what I suspect) and he really doesn't know how hurtful it really IS to you.

But by the same token, this guy is no angel to begin with, because you elude to the fact that 2 years ago he pulled some *other* crap that you're STILL trying to find a way to accept. So your dynamic is pretty clear - he's not trustworthy and you spend most of your time idolizing him and wishing he'd love you as much as you love him. 



> I love him to the point that I cannot bring myself to be angry at him...


For the love of Pete, get this guy off the damned pedestal you have him up on. What's up with the martyr routine where you're so willing to swallow any **** sandwich he serves up to you and you'll willingly suffer in silence just because you 'love him sooooooooooooooooo much?' When you get older and wiser, you'll learn there isn't a man on this PLANET worth that kind of selfless devotion. And if a man like that actually *does* exist somewhere on this earth, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it's *NOT* the man you're married to. He sounds like an underhanded sleaze ball and I think your future is going to be full of his shady behavior.

I know his type. I've known his type for years. I've been surrounded by guys like him my whole life. They don't change. They just learn to get a lot *sneakier* is all.



> I don't know if I can confront him and this all has sent me on the brink of depression to make it all worse.
> Please don't tell me to go off the birth control because from this behaviour, his children are the last thing I want.


You'd be amazed at what you can do when you decide to stop being a welcome mat for this undeserving clod and find your damned *voice*.

Do yourself a favor and do some reading on co-dependency. You sound very co-dependent.


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## Blondilocks

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have yet to read one thread that doesn't have everyone telling you that you both 'need therapy.' Good grief, that's such a cliche response to *everything* anymore.
> 
> The truth is, there are tons of guys just like him who like to look at women and the only thing he's going to learn at therapy when he's confronted with your hurt feelings is that he'll have to hide his picture activity a lot better going forward so he doesn't have to deal with being called on the carpet over and over for doing it. That's *all *you're going to accomplish at some shrink's office with a guy like this. If you think a therapist is going to magically turn him into a choir boy who only has eyes for you, then I can save you the thousands of dollars you'd be wasting at therapy and tell you right up front it ain't gonna happen. Nope, it's not.
> 
> And he *will *do the picture and video thing again. That's who he is. He obviously knows it's something you're not thrilled about or he'd be including YOU in the distribution group when he sends the pics, so it's not like he's too stupid to realize you're not a fan of his behavior. Either he simply doesn't care enough _how_ you feel about it, or you haven't voiced your true feelings to him about it (which is what I suspect) and he really doesn't know how hurtful it really IS to you.
> 
> But by the same token, this guy is no angel to begin with, because you elude to the fact that 2 years ago he pulled some *other* crap that you're STILL trying to find a way to accept. So your dynamic is pretty clear - he's not trustworthy and you spend most of your time idolizing him and wishing he'd love you as much as you love him.
> 
> For the love of Pete, get this guy off the damned pedestal you have him up on. What's up with the martyr routine where you're so willing to swallow any **** sandwich he serves up to you and you'll willingly suffer in silence just because you 'love him sooooooooooooooooo much?' When you get older and wiser, you'll learn there isn't a man on this PLANET worth that kind of selfless devotion. And if a man like that actually *does* exist somewhere on this earth, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it's *NOT* the man you're married to. He sounds like an underhanded sleaze ball and I think your future is going to be full of his shady behavior.
> 
> I know his type. I've known his type for years. I've been surrounded by guys like him my whole life. They don't change. They just learn to get a lot *sneakier* is all.
> 
> You'd be amazed at what you can do when you decide to stop being a welcome mat for this undeserving clod and find your damned *voice*.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and do some reading on co-dependency. You sound very co-dependent.


I just have to comment that Personal and Personal like this post. That's pretty Personal.:grin2:


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## Blondilocks

Some guys don't get that this type of middle school behavior is a big fat turn-off for some women. 

Unfortunately, this is the way these guys try to bond with other guys. While they're busy asserting their heterosexual masculinity, their wives are busy thinking up the next excuse to avoid being touched by these junior-hi throwbacks. Eewww.


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## 2ntnuf

Some guy my sister was living with used to send me this crap while I was married to second wife. I hated it. I laughed some jokes and things to be cordial, and told him I did not want them sent to me, when they didn't stop. I did not know how to block his number, and I could not make him stop. I was fearful of showing anyone. That was a mistake that made me look complicit. 

He is either doing it to cause trouble with other couples, or he has never matured. Find a better man. You approve by proxy when you do not disapprove and provide consequences. Obviously, you don't like this going on.


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## minimalME

Blondilocks said:


> Some guys don't get that this type of middle school behavior is a big fat turn-off for some women.


This is exactly what I was thinking - huge turn off.

Having said that though, he didn't throw it in your face. You went looking for it.

Most people have a dark side - or they think about things that should probably be kept to themselves. 

And although healthy communication is vital for healthy relationships, demanding full transparency or being the thought police takes a lot of anxious energy, and I find privacy (rather than secrecy or sneakiness) to still be a valid attribute of our humanity. We're separate people for a reason, and everyone edits their 'truth'. Oversharing is overrated.

Only you can decide what you're willing to live with.



> Eewww.


Thought this too!


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## changingmale

I think you need to talk to him about this and anything else you need to talk about. Go to him and say we need to talk and when can we do this as in day of the week time etc. Hope all works out and good luck


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## TheParisInMe

NJ2 said:


> I would think couselling as well- to help him understand that this behaviour is hurtful and embarassing to you. He needs a new empathetic perspective. I'd like to hear if any of the guys on this forum that watch porn also send pics to other people of it. It doesnt reflect on his love for you but it does seem disrespectful IMO- especially when it effects how you feel about yourself and your relationship. You aren't asking for much!
> 
> Try asking your doctor for Wellbutrin (brand name only no substitutions) to help with your depression- it has a side effect of increasing libido.
> 
> Good Luck.


I'd like to hear from other guys too, but I guess some will say it's normal for them and some not, who knows. 
Yes it feels disrespectful to me.
Last month I brought up the subject with one of the wives and I stayed vague about it, and she told me that her husband has one friend that sends him these kind of photos and she knows about it too and she's annoyed about it. And now I think of it maybe she was referring to my husband and trying to tell me something.


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## TheParisInMe

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have yet to read one thread that doesn't have everyone telling you that you both 'need therapy.' Good grief, that's such a cliche response to *everything* anymore.
> 
> The truth is, there are tons of guys just like him who like to look at women and the only thing he's going to learn at therapy when he's confronted with your hurt feelings is that he'll have to hide his picture activity a lot better going forward so he doesn't have to deal with being called on the carpet over and over for doing it. That's *all *you're going to accomplish at some shrink's office with a guy like this. If you think a therapist is going to magically turn him into a choir boy who only has eyes for you, then I can save you the thousands of dollars you'd be wasting at therapy and tell you right up front it ain't gonna happen. Nope, it's not.
> 
> And he *will *do the picture and video thing again. That's who he is. He obviously knows it's something you're not thrilled about or he'd be including YOU in the distribution group when he sends the pics, so it's not like he's too stupid to realize you're not a fan of his behavior. Either he simply doesn't care enough _how_ you feel about it, or you haven't voiced your true feelings to him about it (which is what I suspect) and he really doesn't know how hurtful it really IS to you.


That is what I am afraid of, that is why I haven't told him yet, because I believe that a person who hides, is not going to stop doing the activity but instead hide it really well. Exactly as you said. So what do I do, I tell him? I don't? How do I live with this? I feel short of breath with this worry. I only want to sleep to not think about it. 

And I will have a read about co-dependency thanks, because I think you're right....so thank you


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## EleGirl

TheParisInMe said:


> I'd like to hear from other guys too, but I guess some will say it's normal for them and some not, who knows.
> Yes it feels disrespectful to me.
> 
> Last month I brought up the subject with one of the wives and I stayed vague about it, and she told me that her husband has one friend that sends him these kind of photos and she knows about it too and she's annoyed about it. And now I think of it maybe she was referring to my husband and trying to tell me something.


An interesting experiment would be for you to send photos of naked men to a female friend of yours. Make sure that you and your friend also add some text about how hot the guy is. And leave your phone around so your husband can see what you are doing. Watch his reaction. I'll bet he goes ballistic about it. 

I have a friend who would go along with me on this. Maybe you do too?

Yes, I know it sounds childish to do this. But it would be a way to point out to your husband how him sending the porn to friends make you feel. There was a thread here on TAM a year or two ago by a man whose wife did something like this... she mirrored his behavior with porn. He was devastated. What he said was that he finally understood why she had been upset by his behaviors/actions in the past.


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## minimalME

TheParisInMe said:


> I'd like to hear from other guys too, but I guess some will say it's normal for them and some not, who knows.
> *Yes it feels disrespectful to me.*
> Last month I brought up the subject with one of the wives and I stayed vague about it, and she told me that her husband has one friend that sends him these kind of photos and she knows about it too and she's annoyed about it. And now I think of it maybe she was referring to my husband and trying to tell me something.


Although I understand the bolded, the way this whole thing comes across to me is like a mom who's about to chastise her little boy.

I agree with She'sStillGotIt - this is who he is. 

If you decide to talk to him about your discomfort, just be sure you're taking responsibility for _your_ feelings and stating how _you're_ going to respond (as opposed to trying to guilt, shame or control), cause that's really all you can do.


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## EleGirl

TheParisInMe said:


> I've been married for 4 years.


How old are the two of you?
How long did you date him before you married him?


TheParisInMe said:


> First of all I would like to start that I've had another issue with my husband 2 years ago, and I try to live with it but I cannot forget it. I am not someone who just gives up easily on marriage so I've been trying to heal myself in the meantime and continue to try at our relationship.


What was this other issue? Did he cheat? It would help to know what he did as it could impact responses.

What have you two been doing to help you heal from whatever it is that he did in 2 years ago?



TheParisInMe said:


> I check his phone from time to time. Yes I do.


If you do not trust him and he has proven to be untrustworthy, then you have every right to check his phone and other electronic communications.

What has he been doing over the last two years to prove that he is trustworthy?


TheParisInMe said:


> To add more, I am on birth control pills and this has lowered my sex drive a lot though I try to make an effort.


Could you switch to a non-hormonal birth control? A lot of women have this problem and others with birth control pills. I did.

Maybe you could try an IUD.


TheParisInMe said:


> Now I feel so ashamed and degraded by these photos I don't know if I'm right to feel like this.
> 
> I know he has a group of friends that he receives them from, but I don't care what they send.
> 
> I don't mind if he watches porn also,(I watch it too sometimes), but I do mind a lot when he's sending these to our friends.


As others have said, your husband’s behaving like a junior high kid. It’s one thing to send a racy joke. It’s another to send out porn photos. What that says is that he’s trying to prove to the other men that’s he’s manly. Is he insecure in his sexuality? 



TheParisInMe said:


> Maybe I am not enough, but like this he's telling our friends that I'm not enough for him.


Ok, you need to stop this. What he is doing does not reflect anything on YOU. It’s all about him, not all about you. He’d be sending those photos out even if he was married to the most beautiful, sexiest, horny woman in the world. Sending the photos out to other men has to do with how he feels about himself and his relationship with other men. As I and others have said, it’s the kind of stuff that teen-age boys do. Your husband has never grown up in that regard.

A lot of women seem to do this. They personalize the bad behavior of their spouse. They turn it into their own fault. What he does is not your fault.

Let’s say for a moment that you are not enough. Shouldn’t a grown, mature man talk to his wife and try to fix the problems instead of expressing them by sending porn to his buddies???? How does that fix his marriage and his relationship with you? See, it has nothing to do with you.


TheParisInMe said:


> I don't know if I can confront him and this all has sent me on the brink of depression to make it all worse.


See a doctor about your depression. Get meds to use short term to help you be able to deal with this. The reason someone suggested Wellbutrin is because it’s an antidepressant that usually has the side effect of increasing libido, by a lot. But you would need to talk to your doctor about it so find out if it’s ok to take with birth control.

Also, one of the reasons that I could not take birth control pills is that it caused depression in me. Anything that messes with your hormones can cause depression. It was awful.


TheParisInMe said:


> Please don't tell me to go off the birth control because from this behaviour, his children are the last thing I want.


If you what children, but not with this man, that tells you something very serious about your relationship with him. You should not be with a man who you do not want children with.

Hanging on to a bad marriage just because you think you are a marriage warrior and will not give up easily is not a good way to handle marriage. Look what’s it’s doing to you… you are now super depressed living with a man who you do not trust. You say it’s out of love for him? Really? You think that loves means loving someone who is damaging you? I think that you need to seriously consider why you don’t love yourself enough to protect yourself from falling into depression. 

Either get him on board to fix your marriage and recover from whatever he did 2 years ago (cheating?) or end the marriage. Love yourself enough to not allow anyone to mistreat you like this.

There are some books that I think are as good, or better than therapy/counselors. The purpose of them is to teach you what a good marriage looks like, what you can reasonable expect and how to build a healthy marriage. The books are by Dr. Harely: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read them in that order. Do the work that they say to do. Then sit your husband down and use your new knowledge to tell him that you are not going to stay in a marriage that is causing you serious depression. Ask him to work with you to fix your marriage. Ask him to read the books and do the work that is needed.

For example, if him sending out the porn causes you problems, it’s a love buster. It kills your love for him. So, he needs to stop it. And he needs to do things in such a way that you can see that he no longer does it… such as you can check his phone at any time. 

If you two do what those books say to do, you will build a strong passionate marriage. And you should never stay in a marriage that is not strong and passionate.


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## EleGirl

minimalME said:


> Although I understand the bolded, the way this whole thing comes across to me is like a mom who's about to chastise her little boy.
> 
> I agree with She'sStillGotIt - this is who he is.
> 
> If you decide to talk to him about your discomfort, just be sure you're taking responsibility for _your_ feelings and stating how _you're_ going to respond (as opposed to trying to guilt, shame or control), cause that's really all you can do.


Quoted for truth.

This is an important point.

Besides the books I suggested above, get a good book on how to set boundaries. Boundaries are about your behavior, not his. You can only change yourself. You only have control over yourself. A boundary is a statement of what you will not tolerate and how you will act if your boundary is crossed.


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## happy as a clam

YOU: “Husband, you sending porn and video sex clips to your friends is hugely immature, completely disrespectful to me, and I will no longer accept it. Not to mention your friends and their wives think it’s super-creepy. If this is a behavior you wish to continue, I’m not the right woman for you. I’ll make my next decision after you make yours.”


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## EleGirl

happy as a clam said:


> YOU: “Husband, you sending porn and video sex clips to your friends is hugely immature, completely disrespectful to me, and I will no longer accept it. Not to mention your friends and their wives think it’s super-creepy. If this is a behavior you wish to continue, I’m not the right woman for you. I’ll make my next decision after you make yours.”


Very good!


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## sokillme

TheParisInMe said:


> Hi,
> I've been married for 4 years.
> 
> First of all I would like to start that I've had another issue with my husband 2 years ago, and I try to live with it but I cannot forget it. I am not someone who just gives up easily on marriage so I've been trying to heal myself in the meantime and continue to try at our relationship.
> 
> Gotta tell us what that was if you want better advice. Sounds like some sort of poor boundary, inappropriate behavior with other women but who knows.
> 
> Thing is, from that time I cannot trust him 100%. It's from that experience and also experience from a past relationship that effects my behaviour.
> I think every woman thinks she has the perfect husband, married life and then one day lightning strikes.
> 
> Some men don't cheat.
> 
> I check his phone from time to time. Yes I do.
> Fast forward to this week, and I realise he has been sending photos of nude\semi nude\porn pics to our male friends and even to my cousin.
> Some don't even reply back to these photos. A couple do.
> 
> He sounds like a douche. (I am a man by the way.)
> 
> To add more, I am on birth control pills and this has lowered my sex drive a lot though I try to make an effort.
> 
> Now I feel so ashamed and degraded by these photos I don't know if I'm right to feel like this.
> 
> This is on you, why should you feel ashamed? I can see disrespected. Embarrassed maybe.
> 
> I know he has a group of friends that he receives them from, but I don't care what they send.
> I don't mind if he watches porn also,(I watch it too sometimes), but I do mind a lot when he's sending these to our friends.
> Maybe I am not enough, but like this he's telling our friends that I'm not enough for him.
> I don't know if I can confront him and this all has sent me on the brink of depression to make it all worse.
> Please don't tell me to go off the birth control because from this behaviour, his children are the last thing I want.
> 
> This is smart. If he doesn't change you don't want to have kids with a douche.
> 
> Thanks for any input to see others' perspectives.
> Feel free to ask any questions.
> 
> What does he say when you discuss this? You have discussed this right? I agree with everyone else marriage counseling makes sense.
> 
> S


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> An interesting experiment would be for you to send photos of naked men to a female friend of yours. Make sure that you and your friend also add some text about how hot the guy is. And leave your phone around so your husband can see what you are doing. Watch his reaction. I'll bet he goes ballistic about it.
> 
> I have a friend who would go along with me on this. Maybe you do too?
> 
> Yes, I know it sounds childish to do this. But it would be a way to point out to your husband how him sending the porn to friends make you feel. There was a thread here on TAM a year or two ago by a man whose wife did something like this... she mirrored his behavior with porn. He was devastated. What he said was that he finally understood why she had been upset by his behaviors/actions in the past.


Unfortuanlly usually people like this are not deep enough to even get the comparison.


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## MattMatt

This is a fun activity for a young, single man.

Not a married man, however?


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## SpinyNorman

So you've appointed yourself the referee of your husband's friendships, and taken to spying on him to enforce it. If anyone did that to me, I'd tell her to mind her own f***ing business, or maybe to just get the hell out.

I don't like such emails, I have one relative who sends them, but I dont' tell my spouse how to interact w/ her friends nor vice versa.

I think you need to get a life.


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## Blondilocks

SpinyNorman said:


> So you've appointed yourself the referee of your husband's friendships, and taken to spying on him to enforce it. If anyone did that to me, I'd tell her to mind her own f***ing business, or maybe to just get the hell out.
> 
> I don't like such emails, I have one relative who sends them, but I dont' tell my spouse how to interact w/ her friends nor vice versa.
> 
> I think you need to get a life.


But, guys who do this aren't being a friend of the marriage or a friend of the family who are receiving the e-mails. Are they?


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## personofinterest

Remember that thread where a woman's female friend sent her a pornographic video, and she watched it, and the whole world exploded, and before the thread was over she was some kind of serial cheater? Yeah, that period interesting isn't it?


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## CatholicDad

OP, I'm sorry about what you're going through. 

I think men need to join the "crusade" against porn and just throw the filfth out of their lives... here's another marriage being damaged by it. I don't blame hubby too much though since porn has become so universally accepted by our culture. 

Any man that claims to respect their wives and women in general needs to stand up against this garbage!

Frankly, if women want men to change they're probably going to have to get angry, and expect better. I'm pretty sure most men would be pretty upset if the table were turned.


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## SadSamIAm

One of my friends said the other day, "My wife is going away this weekend. You know what that means?" "Porn with sound"

The majority of men look at porn, guessing upwards of 80%. They are married to women that either:

- Know about it, but don't care
- Know about it, and it causes issues in the marriage.
- Don't know about it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sexual-intelligence/201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why

This ..... "Almost all conflict about porn is actually about something else. If your partner never watched porn, would you two have an ideal relationship? I doubt it, but if so, let go of the porn issue and enjoy paradise. If not, talk about the stuff you really need to talk about. If he refuses, let him know that not talking is a deal-breaker for you."


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## JamesStorm

Speaking as a man, my participation in this type of activity would probably be based on the current state of my relationship. (i.e. - Sexless marriage would probably mean a lot of this if I was in that position but still in the marriage)

@TheParisInMe - 

How is your relationship? 
What was this issue from 2 years ago that you still have a resentment against? 
Is there anything that your husband could potentially find fault with in your relationship that he COULD MAYBE use to justify this activity to himself?


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## personofinterest

Pornography threads always make me chuckle a little bit. It's like the NRA commenting on the 2nd amendment lol


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## SpinyNorman

Blondilocks said:


> But, guys who do this aren't being a friend of the marriage or a friend of the family who are receiving the e-mails. Are they?


I'm afraid I don't understand.


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## SpinyNorman

personofinterest said:


> Remember that thread where a woman's female friend sent her a pornographic video, and she watched it, and the whole world exploded, and before the thread was over she was some kind of serial cheater? Yeah, that period interesting isn't it?


I don't, may have missed that one. FWIW I don't know or care if my spouse exchanges porn w/ friends.


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## SadSamIAm

TheParisInMe said:


> Hi,
> I've been married for 4 years.
> 
> First of all I would like to start that I've had another issue with my husband 2 years ago, and I try to live with it but I cannot forget it. I am not someone who just gives up easily on marriage so I've been trying to heal myself in the meantime and continue to try at our relationship.
> 
> Thing is, from that time I cannot trust him 100%. It's from that experience and also experience from a past relationship that effects my behaviour.
> I think every woman thinks she has the perfect husband, married life and then one day lightning strikes.
> 
> I check his phone from time to time. Yes I do.
> Fast forward to this week, and I realise he has been sending photos of nude\semi nude\porn pics to our male friends and even to my cousin.
> Some don't even reply back to these photos. A couple do.
> 
> To add more, I am on birth control pills and this has lowered my sex drive a lot though I try to make an effort.
> 
> Now I feel so ashamed and degraded by these photos I don't know if I'm right to feel like this.
> 
> I know he has a group of friends that he receives them from, but I don't care what they send.
> I don't mind if he watches porn also,(I watch it too sometimes), but I do mind a lot when he's sending these to our friends.
> Maybe I am not enough, but like this he's telling our friends that I'm not enough for him.
> I don't know if I can confront him and this all has sent me on the brink of depression to make it all worse.
> Please don't tell me to go off the birth control because from this behaviour, his children are the last thing I want.
> 
> Thanks for any input to see others' perspectives.
> Feel free to ask any questions.
> 
> S


The kind of porn that gets shared usually is either strange or funny. I guess sometimes it could just be a sexy woman. 

The really erotic, sexual porn isn't shared. It is what a guy might use to fantasize, etc. but not what he would send his buddies.

I agree with another poster. Porn use is much higher with guys that are in sexless or near sexless marriages.


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## notmyrealname4

Since the age of the internet, smartphones and digital pornography is here; and here to stay, the only thing you can do OP is figure out how to protect yourself from emotional pain that you feel when your husband does this kind of sh*t.

You have to develop some emotional detachment. The sooner you learn that you aren't "all that" for him; the sooner you can live life for your own sake.

I am not saying that you are not beautiful or sexy. I am saying that there is always a younger, prettier woman online doing sexual gymnastics in porn. Or if she isn't younger or prettier; she's just "different"; someone who isn't you. You can't set yourself up to compete with that. You'll go crazy.

So you either accept that your husband enjoys swapping porn with his friends, and that's his thing and you ignore him. Or, you allow it to hurt you. Or, you split up with him and go searching for the unicorn man who doesn't love porn.

Treat yourself well. Don't put your husband first in all things. You said you don't mind porn overall. So try to just look at it as a different way that your husband "enjoys" porn, that you personally don't understand.


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## Ed3n

His looking at pictures of other women does not necessarily mean that you are enough for him. Men tend to be more visual, and women more emotional, when it comes to what appeals to them sexually. (Not all, but generally speaking) Men looking at nude pictures and porn tends to have very little to do with the woman they love, if anything at all. It is a means to an end. It is easier to get aroused for self pleasuring with the use of visual stimulus, and rarely has anything to do with how they feel about their partner, or their sex life. A man can look at porn that he would never want to actually practice in reality. It is just what gets him excited at the particular moment. 

You said you cannot be angry with him in one sentence, and in the next talk about the resentment you feel towards him. There is a VERY fine line between anger and resentment, if one exists at all in a situation. Just because you love someone does not mean that you cannot be angry at them for something they did that hurt you. You can. In fact, it can be a healthy emotion, as long as you work on getting past the anger. 

Resentment, if not worked on, can fester and grow, and may even deepen to the point of hating someone, if not dealt with. You resent him for something he did, and now, every little slight, or irritating thing he does, is capable of feeding that resentment. It will continue to build and grow deeper until you address it, and find a way to move past it. You may have every reason to resent him, but it is hurting you to hold on to it. Maybe you are trying to soften how you really feel by calling it resentment, because it sounds better to you than anger? Neither emotion is healthy to hold on to for long periods of time. Perhaps you need some outside perspective to help you deal with deep seated feelings about your husband, and past hurts.

As for him sending nude photos to friends, it reminds me of what teenage boys do to impress each other. Ask him about it if you really want to know why he does it. While you cannot control his actions, you can tell him that what he is doing is hurtful to you, and makes you feel disrespected by him. Looking through his phone is not a good sign of a healthy marriage, even if you are justified in not trusting him. If you have to monitor his every move, your marriage needs help. Would he consider marital counseling? 

If he isn't willing to go to therapy with you, and work on your marital issues, you should consider going on your own. Saying things like "I don't want to have his children" usually bodes poorly for a long, and healthy marriage. If you do not have respect, trust and healthy communication, what is left? You love him? Loving him will never be enough to hold your marriage together in a positive way. I loved my ex husband passionately when I told him I was leaving him. His actions made me start doubting myself, and trashed my self-esteem. Loving him wasn't worth not loving myself first.


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## Blondilocks

A sure fire way to ensure your spouse won't be getting freaky between the sheets is to have them suspect that you will be broadcasting their activities to friends and family. The sharing of porn and nudie pics and locker-room talk arouses that suspicion. Some people do like to keep their private lives private. If you want to maintain intimacy, don't downgrade it to public.


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## SpinyNorman

SadSamIAm said:


> The kind of porn that gets shared usually is either strange or funny. I guess sometimes it could just be a sexy woman.
> 
> The really erotic, sexual porn isn't shared. It is what a guy might use to fantasize, etc. but not what he would send his buddies.


Yeah, I kind of assumed this is what everybody was talking about, this is what guys have sent me. Sometimes is a dirty joke illustrated w/ bimbo pics, sometimes it is a meme w/ a titty pic. It doesn't seem like stuff anybody fantasizes about.


> I agree with another poster. Porn use is much higher with guys that are in sexless or near sexless marriages.


Don't know if this is true or not. The stuff people send me really doesn't lead me to any conclusions about their sex life. Their sense of humor, maybe, sex life, not at all.

As I said in another post, I don't care for it, but it seems harmless.


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## SpinyNorman

Blondilocks said:


> A sure fire way to ensure your spouse won't be getting freaky between the sheets is to have them suspect that you will be broadcasting their activities to friends and family. The sharing of porn and nudie pics and locker-room talk arouses that suspicion. Some people do like to keep their private lives private. If you want to maintain intimacy, don't downgrade it to public.


Thankfully no one has ever sent me any porn where I recognized any of the subjects. My reaction would not be nearly so blase if they did. Nor would I be cool w/ my spouse receivng first-person porn.


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## SpinyNorman

notmyrealname4 said:


> Since the age of the internet, smartphones and digital pornography is here; and here to stay, the only thing you can do OP is figure out how to protect yourself from emotional pain that you feel when your husband does this kind of sh*t.
> 
> You have to develop some emotional detachment. The sooner you learn that you aren't "all that" for him; the sooner you can live life for your own sake.
> 
> I am not saying that you are not beautiful or sexy. I am saying that there is always a younger, prettier woman online doing sexual gymnastics in porn. Or if she isn't younger or prettier; she's just "different"; someone who isn't you. You can't set yourself up to compete with that. You'll go crazy.
> 
> So you either accept that your husband enjoys swapping porn with his friends, and that's his thing and you ignore him. Or, you allow it to hurt you. Or, you split up with him and go searching for the unicorn man who doesn't love porn.
> 
> Treat yourself well. Don't put your husband first in all things. You said you don't mind porn overall. So try to just look at it as a different way that your husband "enjoys" porn, that you personally don't understand.


The stuff I've received didn't lead me to any conclusions about the sender's sex life or his opinion of his spouse.


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## AVR1962

Does your husband avoid having sex with you to view porn, or pleasure himself to porn and turn you down? If that is the case, you have reason to be concerned. I am a female here. My ex did reject me, he would please himself to porn. We were counseled and it made no difference. Counselor felt he had been sexually abused. Personally I think he was passive-aggressive and this was one way for him to play his head games with me. If you feel the need to talk to him do so but I think it will only make him hide his actions. You being hurt will not make his change. I have many male friends, been married twice and men love porn. I am now dating a man who is more open than my ex and he talks about stuff he's seen. It really doesn't bother me, he seeks me and has voiced his desire for me. If you want honest open communication with your husband you need not shame him.


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## notmyrealname4

SpinyNorman said:


> The stuff I've received didn't lead me to any conclusions about the sender's sex life or his opinion of his spouse.




I wasn't addressing your feelings. I was responding to the OP and offering advice to her because of her emotional pain with regards to this issue.


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## SpinyNorman

notmyrealname4 said:


> I wasn't addressing your feelings. I was responding to the OP and offering advice to her because of her emotional pain with regards to this issue.


Well and good, I was offering an alternative viewpoint to the one that OP isn't all that to her husband.


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## MattMatt

Company I used to work at had a client who was always sharing very crude jokes with all and sundry, sharing porn pics, etc.

Some of my colleagues were out for a meal and met him socially with his wife.

They were concerned about how he would behave. 

But in front of his wife he was as good as gold.


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## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> I just have to comment that Personal and Personal like this post. That's pretty Personal.:grin2:


Before I commented here I went to the Members list.
Yes, there is only one personal.

If there were going to be two, the second one would have to be too personal, or 2 personal, or personal 2.

What we have here is a computer glitch. Or one in the making.

If not a glitch, then maybe an errant computer Wizard or a shifting sand-Witch.

Good Eye, Blondie.

Which one did you use?


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## SunCMars

AVR1962 said:


> I have many male friends, been married twice and men love porn. I am now dating a man who is more open than my ex and he talks about stuff he's seen. *It really doesn't bother me, he seeks me and has voiced his desire for me.* If you want honest open communication with your husband you need not shame him.


Yes, but if took years to get to this point, now realizing men are often like this.
I believe you suffered in getting to this point, accepting this point of view.

The husbands that are not like this [per their wives] merely suppress the urge to peek at porn or to look at women lasciviously. 

Plus, viewing porn becomes habitual. 
Not looking at it, means no habit is formed.

The underlying desire is present, no matter what one thinks, wants to believe.

Women have their fantasies too.


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## Blondilocks

SunCMars said:


> Before I commented here I went to the Members list.
> Yes, there is only one personal.
> 
> If there were going to be two, the second one would have to be too personal, or 2 personal, or personal 2.
> 
> What we have here is a computer glitch. Or one in the making.
> 
> If not a glitch, then maybe an errant computer Wizard or a shifting sand-Witch.
> 
> Good Eye, Blondie.
> 
> Which one did you use?


My good eye, of course.


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## 269370

TheParisInMe said:


> Maybe I am not enough, but like this he's telling our friends that I'm not enough for him.



I don’t think that’s why he sends it. 
People usually share stuff that’s funny, to get a reaction or have a laugh (a bit like the Meme thread).
Porn is not that funny though. Well actually some of it is quite funny.
If you are ok with him watching porn (and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if he is not doing it excessively or to the detriment of your marriage or sex life) why are you uncomfortable with him sharing it?
Is that something personal for you both? (Something that you are supposed to do together?)
I have to admit it’s a bit of an immature and pointless thing to do but I don’t quite understand how this is a ‘betrayal’ (which is how it reads to me).
What to was the actual betrayal that happened before you mentioned?
Maybe you still have unresolved feelings about that and they got triggered by this?


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## 269370

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And he *will *do the picture and video thing again. That's who he is. He obviously knows it's something you're not thrilled about or he'd be including YOU in the distribution group when he sends the pics, so it's not like he's too stupid to realize you're not a fan of his behavior.



Would YOU like to receive porn clips from a bunch of guys (without a proper sense of humour, starved for attention)? Because I’m sure this can be arranged 

The only ‘porn’ clips or images I send to my wife are gang bangs of the next bunch of Prada bags and diamond ear rings I’m going to get her.
You need to know your audience if you want to make them laugh. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

*Husband sends porn\women pics &amp; video clips to our married male friends.*



SpinyNorman said:


> I don't, may have missed that one. FWIW I don't know or care if my spouse exchanges porn w/ friends.



I know. I don’t quite understand why my wife never shares pics with her friends of my enormous, beautiful  (🤢)


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## 269370

Blondilocks said:


> Unfortunately, this is the way these guys try to bond with other guys.



Yeah but why is that better than how women bond: by going down on each other in locker rooms after a long, soapy shower, to make sure everything’s clean. At least that’s the impression I got from documentaries I have seen that have been forwarded to me...



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## Blondilocks

inmyprime said:


> Yeah but why is that better than how women bond: by going down on each other in locker rooms after a long, soapy shower, to make sure everything’s clean. At least that’s the impression I got from documentaries I have seen that have been forwarded to me...
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You have a friend? :yay::yay::yay:


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## 269370

*Husband sends porn\women pics &amp; video clips to our married male friends.*



Blondilocks said:


> Some guys don't get that this type of middle school behavior is a big fat turn-off for some women.
> 
> 
> 
> Unfortunately, this is the way these guys try to bond with other guys. While they're busy asserting their heterosexual masculinity, their wives are busy thinking up the next excuse to avoid being touched by these junior-hi throwbacks. Eewww.



Or...vice versa? (Could be).

I can’t quite work out: are women outraged because he saw porn pics/clips or because he has shared those with other men? 

If the latter, are they outraged because he might be gay? (As he is providing wanking material to other guys and to me, that might be a little personal, like “here’s is something for us both to masturbate about”).

Or because he is sharing a ‘sacred act’ that the wife (who also likes porn btw) thinks is only reserved for them?

Just curious which part is actually offensive because it is not clear to me.

Or does just about anything goes, ‘cos he’s a dirty dirty man, ‘cos he has a , or for whatever other reason?

In which case, I agree: cut off his balls and hang them out to dry for everyone to see, he’s not gonna change 


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## Blondilocks

*Re: Husband sends porn\women pics &amp; video clips to our married male friends.*



inmyprime said:


> Or...vice versa? (Could be).
> 
> I can’t quite work out: are women outraged because he saw porn pics/clips or because he has shared those with other men?
> 
> If the latter, are they outraged because he might be gay? (As he is providing wanking material to other guys and to me, that might be a little personal, like “here’s is something for us both to masturbate about”).
> 
> Or because he is sharing a ‘sacred act’ that the wife (who also likes porn btw) thinks is only reserved for them?
> 
> Just curious which part is actually offensive because it is not clear to me.
> 
> Or does just about anything goes, ‘cos he’s a dirty dirty man, ‘cos he has a , or for whatever other reason?
> 
> In which case, I agree: cut off his balls and hang them out to dry for everyone to see, he’s not gonna change
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The sharing reeks of immaturity. Which is a turn-off. It makes one wonder what else he is sharing to get a laugh. Is he gossiping about his wife?


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## 269370

Blondilocks said:


> A sure fire way to ensure your spouse won't be getting freaky between the sheets is to have them suspect that you will be broadcasting their activities to friends and family. The sharing of porn and nudie pics and locker-room talk arouses that suspicion. Some people do like to keep their private lives private. If you want to maintain intimacy, don't downgrade it to public.



Yes but there are a few extra steps that don’t necessarily follow logically.
Why does sending porn pics mean he will also send nude pics of his wife as well?

I don’t want to defend this because I never send crap to friends (‘cos I don’t appreciate getting sh1t sent to my inbox either).
But say if you are a skiing enthusiast, why is it offensive to send clips of dangerous ski jumps to people to impress them? (Looser alert, yeah, but why betrayal of trust?)


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## Blondilocks

inmyprime said:


> Yes but there are a few extra steps that don’t necessarily follow logically.
> Why does sending porn pics mean he will also send nude pics of his wife as well?
> 
> I don’t want to defend this because I never send crap to friends (‘cos I don’t appreciate getting sh1t sent to my inbox either).
> But say if you are a skiing enthusiast, why is it offensive to send clips of dangerous ski jumps to people to impress them? (Looser alert, yeah, but why betrayal of trust?)
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's Monday. Don't you have to work? What does skiing have to do with sex? I need another cup of coffee - it's only 5:11 am on the West Coast.


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## 269370

*Husband sends porn\women pics &amp; video clips to our married male friends.*



Blondilocks said:


> It's Monday. Don't you have to work? What does skiing have to do with sex? I need another cup of coffee - it's only 5:11 am on the West Coast.



It’s travel day for me and difficult to leave a funny thread alone...Which reminds me: I need to pay the rest for the skiing family holiday this Christmas.


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## PigglyWiggly

Sexual novelty gives the largest rush of dopamine you can get naturally for most people. How do the nude pics you take with him and/or send him differ from those he looks at privately?


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## SunCMars

I have no idea why I posted here.

I guess it is a slow week , no, slow month at TAM. Every one is out enjoying the weather. 
Uh, Northern Hemisphere folks. Not including those digging out of hurricane and cyclone rubble.

This lack of activity on TAM exercises the slow twitch, dark muscles.

And exercises the dark side twits who flock to this stuff and are now taunting the poor lady who started this Thread.

She has her boundaries and her husband is violating them.

Her boundaries are reasonable for a near mature couple. 
Keep the sex in their bedroom, do not share it.

The sex loving fool is ruining it for himself.
He is shooting himself in the foot.

Of the three legs, the shortest by far foot, the foot measured in hopeful dreams, in reality, tis' jest.


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