# Toys R Us, Or are they?



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.

1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?

If you answer yes to the first question, please proceed with the below questions. If you answer no, please send @ConanHub a PM and he will walk you through all the latest makes and models >

2. If you are the one that owns, does your SO know about it?
3. Is solo time allowed, or can the toys only be used when together?
4. If your SO doesn't want you using solo, do you still sneak off and not tell them?

Bonus question. Maybe it is just me, but it seems to be somewhat accepted that some/many women own vibrators. So if there is a certain comfort level with women owning vibrators, I wonder how many women would be ok with their H/BF owning an equivalent toy (I guess Fleshlight)?

Bonus question #2 - would you be concerned that your SO using a toy solo would actually take away from your time together (i.e. she/he already used up their sexual energy, so they may be less inclined to want to have sex with you or even if they did maybe not as in to it)?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.
> 
> 1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?
> 
> ...





EllisRedding said:


> After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.
> 
> 1. Do you *or *your SO own any sex toys?


For the most part, my husband AND I do. 



> If you answer yes to the first question, please proceed with the below questions. If you answer no, please send @ConanHub a PM and he will walk you through all the latest makes and models >
> 
> 2. If you are the one that owns, does your SO know about it?


Yes. The VAST majority we use together. @ConanHub, I wonder if we each compiled a list if there would be any cross over.



> 3. Is solo time allowed, or can the toys only be used when together?


Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis? Allowed? LOL! Encouraged. I could write a page on the unhealthy attitude that is trying to own your partner's body. But I won't.



> 4. If your SO doesn't want you using solo, do you still sneak off and not tell them?


If my SO had hang ups of that sort, he would not be my SO. 



> Bonus question. Maybe it is just me, but it seems to be somewhat accepted that some/many women own vibrators. So if there is a certain comfort level with women owning vibrators, I wonder how many women would be ok with their H/BF owning an equivalent toy (I guess Fleshlight)?


200% comfortable with my DH's toys.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

First I am a guy.

1. Yes
2. Yes (we own several toys, but none are for me really, a vibrator can get a guy off just like a woman though)
3. No (masturbation is not something we view as a good thing in a marriage)
4. No (My wife doesn't really have any desire to have sex solo or as a couple and I would not choose those for my own pleasure)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LoL!

We own one that will probably never see use. I bought it and she said no. Oh well...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Added Bonus Question #2. I guess the idea, particularly in relationships where there is a sexual drive mismatch, could using toys solo actually be detrimental (if the person with the lower drive is using)?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Added Bonus Question #2. I guess the idea, particularly in relationships where there is a sexual drive mismatch, could using toys solo actually be detrimental (if the person with the lower drive is using)?


Back long ago in a land far far away, our answer was no. Quite the opposite. My body/mind did not use up a reserve of availability so much as need the pump primed as much as possible.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Bonus Question: It depends. If part of the mismatch is because one partner needs to learn about their body and how to achieve orgasm, then I think it could help potentially.

In my particular case, I think it would be very detrimental for multiple reasons:
1. Her low drive being satiated elsewhere would not be helpful (I am sure there is an argument where people would say it might make her want it more, but I am doubtful about that theory).
2. My feelings of rejection, hurt, unattractiveness, and being unloved already run fairly high somedays. If you throw her choosing to masturbate on top of that. It would compound the already existing issues in our marriage and I would say make it untenable.

Both of those could potentially be navigated with a lot of communication beforehand. However, given the history of communication in my marriage, I don't think that would happen either.

(This post makes my marriage seem awful, it isn't, we have a good amount of sex most of the time)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> LoL!
> 
> We own one that will probably never see use. I bought it and she said no. Oh well...


I am curious as HECK what it is.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tasorundo said:


> In my particular case, I think it would be very detrimental for multiple reasons:
> 1. Her low drive being satiated elsewhere would not be helpful (I am sure there is an argument where people would say it might make her want it more, but I am doubtful about that theory).


I think this would be my concern as well. My W being on the lower drive, she has always been one where once she is taken care of, she is good for the day (or days, week, etc...). Once the sexual energy is used up, it takes a while to refill (which would then have a direct impact on us during the "refill" period). I could take care of myself and be ready to go a few hours later, not her though.

I have never told her she couldn't use her toys solo. In most cases anyhow, we do incorporate toys when we are together, and she much prefers that. However, I have always viewed it that if she is spending more time solo than with me, that is a big problem.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> LoL!
> 
> We own one that will probably never see use. I bought it and she said no. Oh well...


That happened to me too. Her loss, it's one of my favs now :grin2:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> That happened to me too. Her loss, it's one of my favs now :grin2:


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.
> 
> 1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?
> 
> ...


No, I don't have any toys. I did win a small vibrator once at a naughty Yankee swap. Tried it a few times, really didn't like it. I felt like it muted the orgasm for me...almost the same as when I've had too much to drink. I got rid of it very soon after. My husband did a much better job and as our frequency was spot on for me at that time, I had no need to go solo. Honestly, I wouldn't have used it solo anyway. I know a lot of women use them because they have trouble without them but I've never had trouble in that department, aside from when I'm way too drunk, so I don't feel the need for them.

If I'm lucky enough to find someone in the future and toys are important to him, I'll figure out how to work with it. I would have no problem if my partner had his own toys as long as it didn't take away from his time with me. If our sex life took a nose dive because of it, I'd have a real problem. Using it to bridge a gap I'm fine with...but he'd better tell me all the time how much better I am LOL


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

*1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?*

Yes, my wife has several, but really only uses one of them for the most part (together and alone). We also have one that only works for us to use together.

*2. If you are the one that owns, does your SO know about it?*

We both know about all of them.

*3. Is solo time allowed, or can the toys only be used when together?*

"Allowed" seems like the wrong word to me, but we both do our own thing (me more than her as I have a higher drive). We also use them together.

*4. If your SO doesn't want you using solo, do you still sneak off and not tell them?*

We don't talk about it all the time, but we don't hide it when we go solo, and we have no issues talking about it.

*Bonus question. Maybe it is just me, but it seems to be somewhat accepted that some/many women own vibrators. So if there is a certain comfort level with women owning vibrators, I wonder how many women would be ok with their H/BF owning an equivalent toy (I guess Fleshlight)?*

Interesting question. It's never come up for us because I've never had any interest in that sort of toy, but I am curious how she would feel about it. I bought her a rabbit that she doesn't like to use because she'd rather have me inside her than a toy, and she doesn't want to try to replace that feeling. Even though she doesn't have any issues with me going solo, it's possible she might project the same feelings on me using an equivalent toy.

*Bonus question #2 - would you be concerned that your SO using a toy solo would actually take away from your time together (i.e. she/he already used up their sexual energy, so they may be less inclined to want to have sex with you or even if they did maybe not as in to it)?*

I have had those concerns in the past because I do have a higher drive (I'm a once or twice a day kind of person and she'd be good with 2-3 times a week). In our case, however, those concerns are unfounded because it actually keeps her more sexually "primed" and has a positive impact on our frequency. Seems like a use it or lose it sort of thing.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> Added Bonus Question #2. I guess the idea, particularly in relationships where there is a sexual drive mismatch, could using toys solo actually be detrimental (if the person with the lower drive is using)?


Once my itch gets scratched, so to speak, I won't be in the mood again right away. So, it really depends on the libido of my partner. If he's wanting sex every day, I would need to stay away from any solo time. I get too sensitive if I try for more than once a day on a regular basis. Occasionally is fine, but regularly would start to hurt actually. I could still have sex, I just wouldn't want the focus to be on me. If he is in the mood once a week, I'd need solo time, but then once he's in the mood, I'd be up for it because I'd want the real thing which is way better than solo. I will never understand people who'd rather go solo than with their partner. Unless they haven't taught their partner the right way to do things in which case I still don't understand that LOL


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am curious as HECK what it is.


It is a ring for my base that vibrates at different settings and has a strategic button pusher.:grin2:

She gently let me down about it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.
> 
> 1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?
> 
> ...


1. Yes. 
Have ad three total. Currently down to one.
First (now gone) was a standard white cylindrical vibrator. She didn't take to it.

Picked up two more about a a decade ago when she went to a relatives "Slumber Party" (sort of a tupperware party for sex toys). She just didn't want to not support SIL who hosted and ended coming home with a small vibrator shaped like a dolphin and a sleeve type male masturbator (along with some lubes). 

Again she didn't take to the vibrator, so it's gone. We still have the other and she's generally happy to break it out and use it on me when she's not in the mood or physically capable. 

2. Pretty much answered above. All are/have been joint property.

3. Solo time is allowed, but as previously noted, she didn't like the vibes, and I'm also not keen on using the other on my own. So while there's no prohibition on or judgment about solo time, it's still something that generally doesn't happen.

4. N/A as per #3 above.

Bonus #1. 
She knows I want much more than she's capable of providing, so she kind of expects I would take care of myself from time to time. But as previously noted, I don't care to use the thing on my own, so the question is really moot. 

Bonus #2.
I would not be concerned because she's really quite repressed in this area; thinks of solo time as base or inappropriate. While she can see otherwise intellectually, it's really a deep-seated, subconscious feeling she's probably never going to get over. So I need not worry. While she does not have a lot of sexual energy, she does very much prefer to let it build up to the point she will be most responsive to me. 

Conversely, she's not particularly worried about me either. She knows that even if I was inclined to use the toy on myself, it wouldn't in any way diminish my ability to respond to her on a moment's notice. I could toss off 3x/day M-F and if she gives me bedroom eyes on Saturday, it's still on.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> It is a ring for my base that vibrates at different settings and has a strategic button pusher.:grin2:
> 
> She gently let me down about it.


I want that. Can you PM me a link to that product?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> It is a ring for my base that vibrates at different settings and has a strategic button pusher.:grin2:
> 
> She gently let me down about it.


If she's not in to it you can turn it 180 degrees for your benefit. Mentioning this for a friend.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tip for women with standard vibrators. They STINK. Hitachi, baby.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Tip for women with standard vibrators. They STINK. Hitachi, baby.


Vibrators do nothing for my wife. She has a Hitachi but only for her back, I tease her about the "off label" use. The only toy that has ever gotten her off, and she's pretty orgasmic, is a Womanizer.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Tip for women with standard vibrators. They STINK. Hitachi, baby.


Never gotten the official Hitachi, but the wand one we have my W still prefers a vibrator. I actually took the wand one with me on my last work trip to help massage some achy shoulders lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I want that. Can you PM me a link to that product?


I will dig it out and get the info for you, no prob.:smile2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Added Bonus Question #2. I guess the idea, particularly in relationships where there is a sexual drive mismatch, could using toys solo actually be detrimental (if the person with the lower drive is using)?





NobodySpecial said:


> Back long ago in a land far far away, our answer was no. Quite the opposite. My body/mind did not use up a reserve of availability so much as need the pump primed as much as possible.


I'm inclined to think that use of toys by a LL woman in a sexual mismatch situation would be most likely to ramp up her drive for sex ("the more you have, the more you want") rather than use up what little sex drive there is.

But, I guess you'd have to see what happens.

If a woman uses toys to masturbate but doesn't want to have sex with her husband, then that does narrow down the problem some. 

My wife has never used toys and thinks most women don't. We were watching something on TV showing a company that makes dildos. She insisted that almost no one uses them. I said "they're obviously selling a lot of them, what do you think people do with them?" She answered with "they put them on shelves".


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> I'm inclined to think that use of toys by a LL woman in a sexual mismatch situation would be most likely to ramp up her drive for sex ("the more you have, the more you want") rather than use up what little sex drive there is.


I think that's highly dependent on the woman. Conventional wisdom is that orgasms drive more interest in sex and then more sex leads to more orgasms and you get into a positive kind of vicious cycle. Hooray!!

but in my wife's case, an orgasm means she's good to go for quite a while. Rather than "that was great, let's have another!" it's "that was great, now my focus is elsewhere."

I think the use of toys may reinforce the H in HD, but will actually be a drain for man if not most LDs.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I'm inclined to think that use of toys by a LL woman in a sexual mismatch situation would be most likely to ramp up her drive for sex ("the more you have, the more you want") rather than use up what little sex drive there is.
> 
> But, I guess you'd have to see what happens.
> 
> If a woman uses toys to masturbate but doesn't want to have sex with her husband, then that does narrow down the problem some.


I, personally, don't think it is always about drive. It is easy to sort of foist it on drive since that is completely devoid of any blame. 



> My wife has never used toys and thinks most women don't. We were watching something on TV showing a company that makes dildos. She insisted that almost no one uses them. I said "they're obviously selling a lot of them, what do you think people do with them?" She answered with "they put them on shelves".


I can't speak to "most". But I don't think "almost no one" is right. If she doesn't want to, that's her right. I always wonder why people like to think that everyone else shares their preference. But wrt dildos, they obviously are not just selling them to women.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Buddy400 said:


> My wife has never used toys and thinks most women don't. We were watching something on TV showing a company that makes dildos. She insisted that almost no one uses them. I said "they're obviously selling a lot of them, what do you think people do with them?" She answered with "they put them on shelves".


I'm not sure why, but her response has me cracking up. LOL

I think the younger crowd is way more into toys than the older generations as they seem to be more aware of and comfortable with their sexuality. So many of the young women I work with have them and aren't afraid to talk about them. The older generation talks about sex, but usually only in a "I try to avoid it as much as possible, and I've never given or gotten oral and the whole things just grosses me out" sense. Sad.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I think that's highly dependent on the woman. Conventional wisdom is that orgasms drive more interest in sex and then more sex leads to more orgasms and you get into a positive kind of vicious cycle. Hooray!!
> 
> but in my wife's case, an orgasm means she's good to go for quite a while. Rather than "that was great, let's have another!" it's "that was great, now my focus is elsewhere."
> 
> I think the use of toys may reinforce the H in HD, but will actually be a drain for man if not most LDs.


Agreed. From my experience, using a toy does in no way increase an LDs desire to have more sex (and really why would it). As @notmyjamie put it, once that itch was scratched, time to move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

After reading a thread about spiritual vibrators, sex toys are now on my mind lol.

1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?

Yes, have all of our M.

Different sizes of vibrators, small wand to medium, the typical tapered tip. Purple.

If you answer yes to the first question, please proceed with the below questions. If you answer no, please send @ConanHub a PM and he will walk you through all the latest makes and models 

2. If you are the one that owns, does your SO know about it?

We went to adult toy store mostly. I bought one as a surprise. 

I bought rope (soft cotton drape pulls material) multiple times.

3. Is solo time allowed, or can the toys only be used when together?

Solo if she wants, any time, I've never cared if used anytime. 

4. If your SO doesn't want you using solo, do you still sneak off and not tell them?

Me, no, DW, no, it's always she can do what she wants, she's a grown woman. 
😎 she has her time now and then. Sometimes she tells me. Others I'm sure she doesn't bring up, as it's not a thing in our list if worrisome 


Bonus question. Maybe it is just me, but it seems to be somewhat accepted that some/many women own vibrators. So if there is a certain comfort level with women owning vibrators, I wonder how many women would be ok with their H/BF owning an equivalent toy (I guess Fleshlight)?

Bonus question #2 - would you be concerned that your SO using a toy solo would actually take away from your time together (i.e. she/he already used up their sexual energy, so they may be less inclined to want to have sex with you or even if they did maybe not as in to it)?

We never don't have sex when each want to. Multiple evenings/week, Saturday mornings, Sunday afternoon.
It's important to us to keep that closeness. 

A good topic!

I've always liked to include toys and vegetables (😎😎 various sizes) even when single, playing with different women.

It's always been a thing to do; take your woman shopping for a short list of BBQ items readying for a cookout then go by the cucumber and vegetable section, make a couple "hey sweetie... " whispers, and she'll guide you on what turns her on, if she's good with playing with her.

I did that with many women when single, always provides a spark, whether or not she's into actually taking a couple veges home.
Nothing like personal whispering in a grocery store, always a closeness bringing activity.

😎 well, that secrets out. 😎


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ANyone brave enough to list their toys?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I think that's highly dependent on the woman. Conventional wisdom is that orgasms drive more interest in sex and then more sex leads to more orgasms and you get into a positive kind of vicious cycle. Hooray!!
> 
> but in my wife's case, an orgasm means she's good to go for quite a while. Rather than "that was great, let's have another!" it's "that was great, now my focus is elsewhere."
> 
> I think the use of toys may reinforce the H in HD, but will actually be a drain for man if not most LDs.


We are a little different. On Saturdays especially, wife can have up to six Os. 

But we've been doing this a long time. I've got certain things down pat, and a wild imagination. 

I built a rack once. We rarely used it but the fact I took the time to build it got me a lot of points. 

😎


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

We don't have that many, 3, I think right now.

A stardard pocket rocket, for travel, cheap, plastic, loud.

A we-vibe sync, which never worked for us as intended, but is good for other things.

A we-vibe ditto, which also has not been used as intended, but I think it intimidated her, because of what it is.

We have a few lubes, and I recently got a new massage oil that is sex compatible, but we haven't broken it out yet.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Years ago, we had a simple toy, and it broke. My wife went by herself to a local store that was very female focused (like housewife friendly). She came back with a rabbit, and man, that thing was big! I saw it and though, wtf!! We went from a bullet, do a rotating 14" penis???

It was fine, but she ended up not liking it that much. I will admit I didn't care for how it made me feel as a man, but ultimately that is my own issue.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Tip for women with standard vibrators. They STINK. Hitachi, baby.


Got one for my wife, and she prefers her vibrator. She is pretty sensitive, and the Hitachi was too much, even on its lowest setting.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Another fun toy story. Many, many years ago, we ordered from adam and eve. Products were good, worked as intended, eventually broke.

We ordered something new, and this now came with like 18 free gifts! It has these suction cup things for your nips, a sleeve for male masturbation, dvd's and other random stuff. Anyway, it never showed up. After about a week of it not showing it up, I called them.

Sir, we show it shipped and delivered to X. OH NO!!! We moved a year ago!!!

So, the old single guy that moved into our old house to be closer to his grand children, go our box! Man, that was funny, I always wonder what he did with it or what he thought about us!

------

A few years ago, I was driving home from work, and in the median on the road near my house, a dresser had fallen out of a truck. There were drawers, clothes, etc all over the place. As I stopped at the light, I look over and one of the drawers, and what do I see? A double ended dildo!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Satisfied Mind said:


> Got one for my wife, and she prefers her vibrator. She is pretty sensitive, and the Hitachi was too much, even on its lowest setting.


Oh but when you can ride past the too much.... what a ride! Different strokes.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

1. Do you or your SO own any sex toys?

Yes. I have several and he has one (two if you count me lol)

2. If you are the one that owns, does your SO know about it?

We both know about them all

3. Is solo time allowed, or can the toys only be used when together?

Honestly, I don't need solo time, but sometimes if I travel (which is very rare) I will take one and we'll skype har har

4. If your SO doesn't want you using solo, do you still sneak off and not tell them?

We have sex every day, so I don't need to. i don't think he does, but as long as he is into me i don't really care

Bonus question. Maybe it is just me, but it seems to be somewhat accepted that some/many women own vibrators. So if there is a certain comfort level with women owning vibrators, I wonder how many women would be ok with their H/BF owning an equivalent toy (I guess Fleshlight)?

I've brought up a fleshlight before, and he said basically why would he need it he has me. I'll be honest, if he had dildo and/or wanted to be pegged it would turn me waaaay off (mainly because of my ex)

Bonus question #2 - would you be concerned that your SO using a toy solo would actually take away from your time together (i.e. she/he already used up their sexual energy, so they may be less inclined to want to have sex with you or even if they did maybe not as in to it)?

No concerns about drive, BUT I do know that if a woman uses certain vibratos very regularly it can diminish sensitivity, which would not be good.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> So, the old single guy that moved into our old house to be closer to his grand children, go our box! Man, that was funny, I always wonder what he did with it or what he thought about us!
> !


I sincerely hope he didn't die of a heart attack when he opened the box. Or his wife got it and accused him of cheating with some young thing!!! LOL


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> I sincerely hope he didn't die of a heart attack when he opened the box. Or his wife got it and accused him of cheating with some young thing!!! LOL


My W and I were actually joking, we went away on vacation last month. If something happened to us, what would my family (or whomever would need to go through all our belongings) think when they came across our box of goodies lol.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> My W and I were actually joking, we went away on vacation last month. If something happened to us, what would my family (or whomever would need to go through all our belongings) think when they came across our box of goodies lol.


You need to designate one trusted friend to sneak in the house and take it away before anyone sees it!!! 

My cousin loves to tell the story of the time she came across her father's viagra while helping her parents move. They were in their late 70's so she very erroneously thought it was a very old prescription and threw it out. Her Dad came running into the room yelling at her for throwing it out. She couldn't look at either of her parents for the rest of the day LOL


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> My W and I were actually joking, we went away on vacation last month. If something happened to us, what would my family (or whomever would need to go through all our belongings) think when they came across our box of goodies lol.


IDK, probably keep the best ones.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> IDK, probably keep the best one.


You must be talking about Judy...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> ANyone brave enough to list their toys?


1. generic vibrating massager. (Wife hates it on her "china".)

2. The "rabbit" baby. Again, wife thinks its dirty and always says no. You can't blame a guy for tryin' right? 




**Before I was married, had a girlfriend that had about 6 toys and used them creatively ALOT. Even to the point of f-ing her boss. Hence, she didn't end up as the missus. lol


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Well....We are heading towards this!

https://thetelegraff.com/love-machine/


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Well....We are heading towards this!
> 
> https://thetelegraff.com/love-machine/


Or the new sperm donor machine ...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Is it ok to use my ex wife's toys on my new GF? 
As long as I don't tell her I put them in my ex wife?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Well....We are heading towards this!
> 
> https://thetelegraff.com/love-machine/


From the article


> Last year the first brothel that is ‘doll-only’ opened in Germany.


Robots putting honest hard working girls out of a job, it never ends.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

CharlieParker said:


> From the article
> 
> Robots putting honest hard working girls out of a job, it never ends.


Bwhahahaha!

And for ellis....Just imagine your wife coming home to YOUR "solo" time to see you "plugged in" on that contraption. Hilarious!!!:laugh:


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> From the article
> 
> *Robots putting* honest hard working *girls out of a job*, it never ends.


Better step up your game!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Bwhahahaha!
> 
> And for ellis....Just imagine your wife coming home to YOUR "solo" time to see you "plugged in" on that contraption. Hilarious!!!:laugh:


Especially since I am fixed, what exactly am I donating lol


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Is it ok to use my ex wife's toys on my new GF?
> As long as I don't tell her I put them in my ex wife?


I like to think of myself as pretty easygoing but I'm going to give a no to this one. A woman wants to feel she's special enough for you to spring for a new toy for her :laugh:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


Because we are fascinated by our wives' sexuality. If that's a part of it, we're going to be curious.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Because we are fascinated by our wives' sexuality. If that's a part of it, we're going to be curious.


Sure. That's cool. Seems like there is some ... pressure... being brought to bear.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm interested because I'd love to know more about what my wife likes. She has a very difficult time talking about sex and is never able to tell me what she wants in bed. If there is something she enjoys that I'm not doing, I want to know so I can do it.



NobodySpecial said:


> Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Sure. That's cool. Seems like there is some ... pressure... being brought to bear.



I'm sure that happens. 

Some men are driven by certain insecurities and pain shopping, so they go digging into details, even ones they know will be uncomfortable to face.

Some are just looking to judge.

Others start seeing their wives purely as sex objects or even sex lab science experiments. 

Yet others just want their wives to "perform" for their sexual amusement without consideration for what she may or may not find amusing.


Sadly, there are many ways for a guy to go astray on this topic.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


Well, all I know is she don’t use jelly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> Is it ok to use my ex wife's toys on my new GF?
> As long as I don't tell her I put them in my ex wife?


Umm.... Hell no.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Because we are fascinated by our wives' sexuality. If that's a part of it, we're going to be curious.


In part this.

That being said though, I am sure Wives would be just as interested in what their Hs used (if their Hs used anything at all).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have a variety of toys, but rarely use them, either together or alone. Usually we get great results without, and only use them for occasional novelty. In no way are they needed for either of us to climax - if they were, then they'd be used routinely.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I, personally, don't think it is always about drive. It is easy to sort of foist it on drive since that is completely devoid of any blame.


Agreed. And using toys to masturbate while avoiding sex with their partner seems like a good reason to believe it isn't drive.



NobodySpecial said:


> I can't speak to "most". But I don't think "almost no one" is right. If she doesn't want to, that's her right. I always wonder why people like to think that everyone else shares their preference. But wrt dildos, they obviously are not just selling them to women.


Oh, I'm *sure* my wife is wrong (after all, I read TAM). I just thought it was a cute story. 

This was about dildos in particular but also vibrators, etc. She doesn't think most women use them.

Although I had totally missed the possibility of male customers as buyers of dildos.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> That being said though, I am sure Wives would be just as interested in what their Hs used (if their Hs used anything at all).


I don't think so.

I also think it's assumed that (hetero) men just use their hands (other than sex dolls for the hard cases).

Do they?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


Well, I'd be interested in knowing what my wife was reading, so why not?

Also, if they could be used when we're together, I'd want to know what does what and what she'd prefer, right?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

On a more general note, once someone has figured out how to have the "best" orgasm (with another person), why would you do something that results in a "lesser" one?

My wife gets the "best" orgasm(s) from me performing oral on her.

She can orgasm from me using my hands, but it's less "optimal".

I presume she could orgasm using toys with me as well (although she has no interest).

I really like getting her there with my hands (while I'm in her mouth) **. She has no objections to that but she'd prefer to orgasm the "best way". 

I can see her point, and it's her orgasm, not mine. So I don't press it. 

For myself, I'm considerably more flexible. 

** as far as 69, that's do-able but also not "best" since it requires multitasking.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I don't think so.
> 
> I also think it's assumed that (hetero) men just use their hands (other than sex dolls for the hard cases).
> 
> Do they?


Well, I meant it more if men actually used toys as much as women (I assume they don't, but who knows). Like you said, I would guess in most cases it is assumed a dude is just using his hand (maybe the W might question why her conditioner gets used up so quick lol)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> On a more general note, once someone has figured out how to have the "best" orgasm (with another person), why would you do something that results in a "lesser" one?


I don't think it is that easy TBH. My W doesn't use her toys much solo (to my knowledge, but she has always been open about this). However, there are times where she has that itch. I am usually gone 14+ hours a day during the week, so if she is home alone and has that itch, she might look to scratch it. To me, being the higher drive person, the more optimal answer would be leave the itch alone, let it build up and let's put it to use later at night. However, with her drive there is a very good chance by the time I get home and we get settled in her itch is long gone. 

As well, going back to the idea that solo time should lead to an increased desire for sex, that would almost be the same as saying if an LD person has enough sex, they should crave more sex, which we know is not the case (for most). Instead, sexual energy has been used up, so short term the desire is gone. This is where i see the biggest difference in drive b/w my W and I. We will have great sex at night, which then the next day has me craving for more sex. My W on the other hand, we will talk in the morning and she will be glowing, talking about last night, etc... However, that has no carry over for her. She is willing and ready to go if I start something, but realistically since she was taken care of last night, she is good to not doing anything again for some time.

The one instance I can think of that serves as an example, a while back I was being frisky with my W during the day (figured maybe set the tone for some fun later at night once the kids went to bed). She turns around to me and says that I am more than welcomed to start something later, but she already took care of herself in the morning (I was at the gym), so she was good. If solo time lead to any sort of drive increase, she should have been rearing to go, but it was the opposite. Itch was scratched, time to move on. I think in situations like this, where there is a drive mismatch, solo use could potentially do more harm than good.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I don't think so.
> 
> I also think it's assumed that (hetero) men just use their hands (other than sex dolls for the hard cases).
> 
> Do they?


No.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I have not really read all of this thread. While toys are great and add the excitement of some novelty, I think in my marriage we have reached a point that we are both too lazy to use toys as we prefer things to be simple and natural (which works great for us). You also have to admit that the quality of sex toys are often sketchy and overpriced. 

For me sex toys and remote control helicopters share a parallel experience. Wow they can be really exciting, but inevitable you'll crash and break them way too soon which will leave you really upset and totally spoil the moment. 










When it comes to sex toys I don't think people bother to repair them as the story as to how the broke is likely too personal and embarrassing. So for those searching online to learn about sex toy repairs, you are more likely going to learn how to pull dents out of your car door by using a suction cup dildo as the best available "tool" for the job:










So for us toys are now in the category of, "meh" and just not worth the time or effort to have around. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't think it is that easy TBH. My W doesn't use her toys much solo (to my knowledge, but she has always been open about this). However, there are times where she has that itch. I am usually gone 14+ hours a day during the week, so if she is home alone and has that itch, she might look to scratch it. To me, being the higher drive person, the more optimal answer would be leave the itch alone, let it build up and let's put it to use later at night. However, with her drive there is a very good chance by the time I get home and we get settled in her itch is long gone.
> 
> As well, going back to the idea that solo time should lead to an increased desire for sex, that would almost be the same as saying if an LD person has enough sex, they should crave more sex, which we know is not the case (for most). Instead, sexual energy has been used up, so short term the desire is gone. This is where i see the biggest difference in drive b/w my W and I. We will have great sex at night, which then the next day has me craving for more sex. My W on the other hand, we will talk in the morning and she will be glowing, talking about last night, etc... However, that has no carry over for her. She is willing and ready to go if I start something, but realistically since she was taken care of last night, she is good to not doing anything again for some time.
> 
> The one instance I can think of that serves as an example, a while back I was being frisky with my W during the day (figured maybe set the tone for some fun later at night once the kids went to bed). She turns around to me and says that I am more than welcomed to start something later, but she already took care of herself in the morning (I was at the gym), so she was good. If solo time lead to any sort of drive increase, she should have been rearing to go, but it was the opposite. Itch was scratched, time to move on. I think in situations like this, where there is a drive mismatch, solo use could potentially do more harm than good.


I would think that in cases where there is desire, but doing something about it isn't a priority, then "having more sex leads to wanting more sex" might be the case (as in "going to the gym leads to going to the gym more often because you realize how good it makes you feel).

If, there's a finite amount of orgasms one is capable of (or desires), the her using for by herself would mean one less for the two of you together.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I would think that in cases where there is desire, but doing something about it isn't a priority, then "having more sex leads to wanting more sex" might be the case (as in "going to the gym leads to going to the gym more often because you realize how good it makes you feel).
> 
> If, there's a finite amount of orgasms one is capable of (or desires), the her using for by herself would mean one less for the two of you together.


There's desire and then there is a desire to rub one out. They are not really related... at least not for me.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Question - why are the guys so interested in what their WIVES use?


I'm not so interested in what my wife *uses* as what she *enjoys*. I love exploring her sexuality with her and learning what turns her on. Sometimes she has a hard time verbalizing that, and what she actually does and how she responds is a better metric.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Satisfied Mind said:


> I'm not so interested in what my wife *uses* as what she *enjoys*. I love exploring her sexuality with her and learning what turns her on. Sometimes she has a hard time verbalizing that, and what she actually does and how she responds is a better metric.


I should not have responded in general but specifically to the one poster who made the comment that despite not liking toys, it makes sense for him to keep trying. My bad.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I would think that in cases where there is desire, but doing something about it isn't a priority, then "having more sex leads to wanting more sex" might be the case (as in "going to the gym leads to going to the gym more often because you realize how good it makes you feel).
> 
> If, there's a finite amount of orgasms one is capable of (or desires), the her using for by herself would mean one less for the two of you together.


In my case, my W is good for one O (very rare that she has multiple at one time, and if let's say she had one in the morning, it actually will make it difficult for her to have another one later on in the day). Whether or not that is directly related to her drive, the reality is once she has been taken care of she can cross it off her list for days (point being she is still ready to go after as long as I initiate, but otherwise she is content not doing anything). There was that one week where I have no idea what happened, but she suddenly was HD that week. I need to build a time machine and see if I can sort out exactly how that happened lol.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> There's desire and then there is a desire to rub one out. They are not really related... at least not for me.





EllisRedding said:


> In my case, my W is good for one O (very rare that she has multiple at one time, and if let's say she had one in the morning, it actually will make it difficult for her to have another one later on in the day). Whether or not that is directly related to her drive, the reality is once she has been taken care of she can cross it off her list for days (point being she is still ready to go after as long as I initiate, but otherwise she is content not doing anything). There was that one week where I have no idea what happened, but she suddenly was HD that week. I need to build a time machine and see if I can sort out exactly how that happened lol.


I think NobodySpecial hit the nail on the head. My wife almost always has multiples and once she has taken care of herself or been taken care of, she usually doesn't have the "itch" for a release for at least a day. However, in our case, sex (and solo time) tends to beget more sex, and I think that's because it keeps intimacy near the top of our mind and increases our desire for each other, whether either of us "needs" a release or not. I guess you could say it creates a nice sort of positive feedback loop.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> I should not have responded in general but specifically to the one poster who made the comment that despite not liking toys, it makes sense for him to keep trying. My bad.


No worries. Although not what you meant, it turned out to be an interesting question for me that got me thinking.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> There's desire and then there is a desire to rub one out. They are not really related... at least not for me.


If you rubbed one out, would you be able to orgasm with your partner later that day?

Apparently, if Ellis's wife rubbed one out in the morning and if her desire to have sex with her husband was influenced by her desire to orgasm while doing so, then the morning "rub" would definitely affect her desire to have sex with her husband that evening. 

If this isn't the case for you (and it doesn't seem as if it is), then yes, they would not really be related ..for you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Some impressive hip action on this one....


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> In my case, my W is good for one O (very rare that she has multiple at one time, and if let's say she had one in the morning, it actually will make it difficult for her to have another one later on in the day). Whether or not that is directly related to her drive, the reality is once she has been taken care of she can cross it off her list for days (point being she is still ready to go after as long as I initiate, but otherwise she is content not doing anything). There was that one week where I have no idea what happened, but she suddenly was HD that week. I need to build a time machine and see if I can sort out exactly how that happened lol.


The situation is that your wife is expecting you to want to have sex with her because *you* want to. 

Your desire to have sex with your wife is largely dependent on if* she* wants to.

She doesn't get that and, therefore, doesn't see anything off-putting about telling you that she's already had her orgasm for the day (after all, she's happy to have sex with you later whether she has an orgasm or not).

My wife is similar.

Men read on TAM and everywhere else that men have to focus on the woman's pleasure when, many times, what's important to the woman is how much you desire her and how happy* you'll* be to have sex with her.

The problem is sorting out which women are which (and often the same women is both, just at different times).

Then there are just guys like us who aren't comfortable doing things just for ourselves. I've been working on that for a while now and I'm getting better (worse?) but I'm never going to be entirely comfortable with it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> The situation is that your wife is expecting you to want to have sex with her because *you* want to.
> 
> Your desire to have sex with your wife is largely dependent on if* she* wants to.
> 
> ...


Again, for ME, I love lots about sex, not just orgasm. And often times, I will have sex when he wants to because we both want to because he wants to. (Does that make any sense?) And sometimes I get more orgasm out of it and sometimes not. Just a thought on Buddy's sensible post. Not saying I am anything like anyone else' wife.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Buddy400 said:


> Men read on TAM and everywhere else that men have to focus on the woman's pleasure when, many times, what's important to the woman is how much you desire her and how happy* you'll* be to have sex with her.
> 
> The problem is sorting out which women are which (and often the same women is both, just at different times).


This is SO true. I'd say most of the time when I'm having sex, my partner's orgasm brings me a lot more satisfaction than my own. I'm not a fan of the pull out method because to me, that interrupts his pleasure and that's very unsatisfying for me. I like to think that by having sex with my partner, I've made him happy and brought some satisfaction to his day and that I've shown him how much I love him.

I think some men think if the woman doesn't orgasm it wasn't satisfying for her and that's just not the case at all, for me anyway. Now maybe I have the luxury of feeling this way because I'm lucky in that, 99% of the time, I do orgasm and usually the only reason I don't is because I've been drinking too much and it just mutes the sensation too much for me. I do remember getting into a couple fights with my STBX a few times because I wanted to stop trying for it and just enjoy focus on him and he didn't want me too. Seems like a crazy thing to fight over especially when you consider that we almost never fought about anything. LOL


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I will have sex when he wants to because we both want to because he wants to. (Does that make any sense?)


Yes. It makes a lot of sense.

This gets very complicated because some people don't seem to think that this situation is a case of the woman "wanting" it.

Or we're dealing in the semantics of what 'want' means.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> *The situation is that your wife is expecting you to want to have sex with her because you want to. *
> 
> *Your desire to have sex with your wife is largely dependent on if she wants to.*
> 
> ...


You know, I was thinking about this more (sex, desire, mismatch, blah blah blah, etc...). A part of it, the part that is somewhat missing for me, is the sense of feeling wanted / desired (at least in my language). So the first bolded, this is my Ws mindset. As she has told me before, she is willing to have sex about as much as I want (the idea being whether or not she is in the mood, so basically it all falls on me). At face value that sounds great, right? You hear guys talk about rejection, something I don't typically have to deal with (although you could argue there are ways she can go about making it clear she isn't in the mood without saying anything lol). 

Now go to the second bolded. This is very true, but I think there is a key part here. Her wanting to have sex in part makes me feel wanted/desired. You can see where this gets lost when it is mostly "its yours if you want it". The funny thing, I know full well my W wants/desires me. However, she has a tendency in showing it to me in her love language and not mine. That is all fine and good, but it does little for me. So I run into a situation now where I am not only responsible for speaking to her in her love language but effectively having to manage my own love language as well. That is the reason why in a situation such as the example I gave where she had taken care of herself earlier, that was actually a turn off for me that there seemed to be no interest on her part (whether or not she was willing later on).

I do agree as well, similar to you my focus has always been on my Ws pleasure and not mine. That is something I have been working on, allowing myself to just kick back at times (something my W does very much enjoy). Will I ever be completely comfortable with that, I doubt it.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

notmyjamie said:


> Now maybe I have the luxury of feeling this way because I'm lucky in that, 99% of the time, I do orgasm


That's the key. If the woman wants an orgasm and the man is willing (and able), then whether she has one is much less important. 



notmyjamie said:


> I do remember getting into a couple fights with my STBX a few times because I wanted to stop trying for it and just enjoy focus on him and he didn't want me too. Seems like a crazy thing to fight over especially when you consider that we almost never fought about anything. LOL


My daughter had a problem with her fiance (now husband) in which this happened.

They were having problems when she wouldn't want an orgasm and he'd keep pushing it.

He's a great guy and he'd had it hammered into his head that if a woman didn't have an orgasm, it meant that the guy was a selfish lover.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> You know, I was thinking about this more (sex, desire, mismatch, blah blah blah, etc...). A part of it, the part that is somewhat missing for me, is the sense of feeling wanted / desired (at least in my language). So the first bolded, this is my Ws mindset. As she has told me before, she is willing to have sex about as much as I want (the idea being whether or not she is in the mood, so basically it all falls on me). At face value that sounds great, right? You hear guys talk about rejection, something I don't typically have to deal with (although you could argue there are ways she can go about making it clear she isn't in the mood without saying anything lol).


If I understand you right, my husband feels the same way. He wants me to want to just drag him into the bedroom from time to time. And while I can do it, it feels forced to both of us. So instead of feeling desired, he feels I have efforted. While appreciated, it is not the same. But I don't walk around horny hardly ever.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> You know, I was thinking about this more (sex, desire, mismatch, blah blah blah, etc...). A part of it, the part that is somewhat missing for me, is the sense of feeling wanted / desired (at least in my language). So the first bolded, this is my Ws mindset. As she has told me before, she is willing to have sex about as much as I want (the idea being whether or not she is in the mood, so basically it all falls on me). At face value that sounds great, right? You hear guys talk about rejection, something I don't typically have to deal with (although you could argue there are ways she can go about making it clear she isn't in the mood without saying anything lol).
> 
> Now go to the second bolded. This is very true, but I think there is a key part here. Her wanting to have sex in part makes me feel wanted/desired. You can see where this gets lost when it is mostly "its yours if you want it". The funny thing, I know full well my W wants/desires me. However, she has a tendency in showing it to me in her love language and not mine. That is all fine and good, but it does little for me. So I run into a situation now where I am not only responsible for speaking to her in her love language but effectively having to manage my own love language as well. That is the reason why in a situation such as the example I gave where she had taken care of herself earlier, that was actually a turn off for me that there seemed to be no interest on her part (whether or not she was willing later on).
> 
> I do agree as well, similar to you my focus has always been on my Ws pleasure and not mine. That is something I have been working on, allowing myself to just kick back at times (something my W does very much enjoy). Will I ever be completely comfortable with that, I doubt it.


I know that my wife is crazy about me and cares a great deal about my happiness and yet.................

There are a couple of small things I've told her (very clearly and unambiguously) were very important to me (not sex acts) that she just can't seem to manage. It's just not in her nature. If I continue to bring them up, she feels terrible about herself and I certainly don't want that.

So, sometimes I just need to suck it up and realize that some things that seem as if they'd be easily accomplished just aren't possible (for whatever reason) and it's not worth messing with the great thing we have.

I need to get better at hiding my occasional disappointment. If she notices something is off, she'll drag it out of me; I'll point out that just because I want something doesn't mean she's a bad wife if she can't give it to me; she'll insist she'll do better; rinse and repeat.

If I'm emotionally injured, my instinct is to pull back into a protective shell. That's never good for a relationship. I have to fight to keep myself emotionally vulnerable.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> If I understand you right, my husband feels the same way. He wants me to want to just drag him into the bedroom from time to time. And while I can do it, it feels forced to both of us. So instead of feeling desired, he feels I have efforted. While appreciated, it is not the same. But I don't walk around horny hardly ever.


Efforted is good.

Not "as good", but good.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> ...
> 
> I do agree as well, similar to you my focus has always been on my Ws pleasure and not mine. That is something I have been working on, allowing myself to just kick back at times (something my W does very much enjoy). Will I ever be completely comfortable with that, I doubt it.


I hear you there. Putting her pleasure first during sex is really ingrained in my mind, and also I get a lot of reciprocal pleasure out of my wife's orgasms. That said, there are times when my wife will let me know that she's not trying for it, and I've learned that's fun in a different way (as long as it doesn't smell like duty sex) especially because it opens up the playbook a lot more. The catch, however, is that many times she'll decide midway that she does want to get off after all. She won't say anything, but I can read it in her body language, so I have to be prepared to call an audible.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I think some men think if the woman doesn't orgasm it wasn't satisfying for her and that's just not the case at all, for me anyway.


Ugh, BTDT post menopause, it caused big problems. We’re good again but it took 3+ difficult years. There was a lot more going on, but that played a non trivial part.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Satisfied Mind said:


> I hear you there. Putting her pleasure first during sex is really ingrained in my mind, and also I get a lot of reciprocal pleasure out of my wife's orgasms. That said, there are times when my wife will let me know that she's not trying for it, and I've learned that's fun in a different way (as long as it doesn't smell like duty sex) especially because it opens up the playbook a lot more. The catch, however, is that many times she'll decide midway that she does want to get off after all. She won't say anything, but I can read it in her body language, so I have to be prepared to call an audible.


This.

It took me a while to learn. “What do you mean you don’t want and orgasm?” Used to be my thought process.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Efforted is good.
> 
> Not "as good", but good.


Better than the alternative!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> If I understand you right, my husband feels the same way. He wants me to want to just drag him into the bedroom from time to time. And while I can do it, it feels forced to both of us. So instead of feeling desired, he feels I have efforted. While appreciated, it is not the same. But I don't walk around horny hardly ever.


Not really per se. I don't expect my W to walk around horny nor do I expect her to jump me when I get home (would be difficult to explain as my kids watch lol). There are plenty of times that I initiate or start things where I am not horny. I think way too much gets made with the fact that you must be horny on order to act on it (not saying you, just in general). Not sure what "efforted" for you is, but what I would consider "efforted" isn't quite there.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I know that my wife is crazy about me and cares a great deal about my happiness and yet.................
> 
> There are a couple of small things I've told her (very clearly and unambiguously) were very important to me (not sex acts) that she just can't seem to manage. It's just not in her nature. If I continue to bring them up, she feels terrible about herself and I certainly don't want that.
> 
> ...


Yeah, i think this goes along with those times where she will bring up sex. Since I rarely get anything out of her in terms of her desire for sex (outside of when we are actually having sex), you can understand whey I would get excited she she does bring it up. On my part though, it usually ends up in disappointment / frustration as by the time we are able to actually act on it the time has long gone. I've just told her it is best just to keep those things to herself. 

The bolded is where I am now. Things are significantly better. I do realize they will never be quite where I want them to be, but that doesn't mean it is worth messing things up


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> This.
> 
> It took me a while to learn. “What do you mean you don’t want and orgasm?” Used to be my thought process.


I had a BF who was so ridiculous that his views have crystallized some of these issues for me. MY orgasm was more important to him than to me not because he wanted something for ME but because he felt he got stud points for it. "Making" me cum became a very unpleasant mission. Another pressure to be something for him. NOT a sharing but another gift he wanted from me.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> I had a BF who was so ridiculous that his views have crystallized some of these issues for me. MY orgasm was more important to him than to me not because he wanted something for ME but because he felt he got stud points for it. "Making" me cum became a very unpleasant mission. Another pressure to be something for him. NOT a sharing but another gift he wanted from me.



Ugh...what a great way to disguise your selfishness.

ETA: His, not yours...just to be clear.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

1. Yes we both own toys. Use them during sex and solo play.

2. Yes, we do solo time, but only after asking for sex first. If my wife isn't interested, then I can play. She rarely uses her toys alone.

3. Don't have to sneak off, that is one "rule" we have. Ask for sex first, if no sex, we can do solo anytime.

4. Yes, we use it to balance her LD.

By asking for sex first, I never take sex away from her.


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