# I need some help



## jroosen (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm new here and looking for some guidance. 

My wife and I started dating 13 years ago and have been married for 8 years. For the most part, we've had a good marriage. Every once in a while, we get in a rut, but we've always worked it out.

A little fidelity background. When we were in college, dating maybe 2 years, I made out with a girl we were both friends with. It almost ended the relationship, but we worked through it. 

I love my wife dearly, but I don't always show how much I appreciate her. Actually, I've been fairly bad about taking her for granted. We've had several conversations about the fact that I don't appreciate her, but I guess it never really sank in.

Last night, while hanging out with our closest friends, I walked down in the basement to find the two making out. I almost threw up, turned and walked away. My wife heard me turn and came after me. I confronted her about it. She said she didn't know how it happened...it just did. She swore it never happened before. Obviously we left our friends house immediately.

When we got home, the conversation started. I asked her if this had ever happened before and she said no. Long story short, I drug it out of her that this had happened repeatedly before. Not only that, but about 2 months ago, they had sex.

No surprise, I'm feeling pretty hurt by both of them. The kicker is, I'm not as upset with her as I am with him. I feel like I pushed her away. He's supposed to be my best friend. I don't know what I did to him. 

I told my wife that this is not necessarily the end for us. I'm willing to try to work things out. I told her that I'm only willing to do that if she can promise/guarantee/swear that it ends now and this doesn't happen again. She's having a hard time doing that.

I can't imagine life without her. She's my everything. Without her I don't know what I'd do.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to share with me what they have done in a similar situation.

Please help. I'm desperate.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good luck to you, you'll get lots of advice here.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You said closest friends.So is this guy married,and if so what did his wife have to say about it? Saying,I'm sorry you're here,sometimes sounds so trite to me,but nevertheless I am.


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## jroosen (Jun 25, 2012)

His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her, but at the same time, I feel like I should. My wife asked me not to tell her. She told me its bad enough she screwed up our relationship, she doesn't want to hurt theirs. Seems too late for that.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Ha Bull crap your wife doesn't want to tell her because her virgin mary image is going to go out the ****ing window. Tell the OMW


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If you are really close friends, maybe you could tell him you are considering telling her. Then tell him, you are giving him a chance to come clean first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

jroosen said:


> His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her, but at the same time, I feel like I should. My wife asked me not to tell her. She told me its bad enough she screwed up our relationship, she doesn't want to hurt theirs. Seems too late for that.



exactly that, she already hurt the relationship


by telling the OMW you accomplish a few things-


1) OM will likely throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage, this will help bring your wife out of the fog she is in currently
2) exposure helps destroy the affair, when affairs are no longer secret and exciting they usually die 
3) OMW deserves to know, just as you deserved to know the whole truth


please read the newbie link in my signature


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jroosen said:


> His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her, but at the same time, I feel like I should. My wife asked me not to tell her. She told me its bad enough she screwed up our relationship, she doesn't want to hurt theirs. Seems too late for that.


YES TELL HER...unless you want them to continue seeing each other. Anyway HE screwed up his relationship already, you are just the messenger.



> I told my wife that this is not necessarily the end for us. I'm willing to try to work things out. I told her that I'm only willing to do that if she can promise/guarantee/swear that it ends now and this doesn't happen again. *She's having a hard time doing that.*


What!?
She should have agreed to this on the spot, if there's any question she can't NC with the OM you need to leave her.

Also let her know if she even thinks about hooking up with the OM you will D her lickity split! Don't give her the impression that you will put up with that or she will take advantage of you.


> I can't imagine life without her. She's my everything. Without her I don't know what I'd do.


You will need to figure something out unless you want an open marriage. She has been cheating on you so she does NOT deserve to be on that pedestal you have her on. See her for what she is, not what you want her to be.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: with Almost recovered

I am so sorry you are here. Read the newbie thread.

You need to expose the affair to your "best friend's" wife NOW. It is only fair to her that she know the truth. You need to make clear demands on your wife, if you want to have your marriage survive.

But most of all, you need to be prepared to move on. If you aren't willing to divorce her than there is no reason for her to not continue on in this vein., with your current BF or the next guy. 

Oh, and never, ever see these people again. And your other friends should know why.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hold on your thoughts to reconcile so readily. Put your marriage on probation. Check how she is trying to make up for the betrayal. 

You still haven't got the entire truth. It will be worse. I will bet on it. Insist on getting the full truth right away so that you can work onit. Everytime , you find new information, it will be D-day all over again.

If you plan to talk to the friend, evrify the stories. If he is married, inform his wife immediately.

Get access to her email, facebook and phone records immediately. In some smart [phones, you can retrieve deleted texts Trust only what you can verify. You cannot trust her for quite some time. Affairs don't usually stop immediately. They will try to take it underground and contact in secret.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

jroosen said:


> I told her that I'm only willing to do that if she can promise/guarantee/swear that it ends now and this doesn't happen again. She's having a hard time doing that.
> 
> .


You need to tell her to pack her bags and get out then.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jroosen said:


> His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her, but at the same time, I feel like I should. My wife asked me not to tell her. She told me its bad enough she screwed up our relationship, she doesn't want to hurt theirs. Seems too late for that.



Her asking not to tell is very bad news. 
Tell his wife immediately. Not telling her is the worst thing you can do right now. You wife already destroyed her relationship. She is trying to protect the affair. Also expose the affair to her parents lest she makes you the abuser when you guys separate.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

jroosen said:


> His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her.


Okay really come on you don't really feel that way. This guy kissed YOUR WIFE and it isn't your place to tell HIS WIFE. Wake up man the guy screwed with your marriage. His wife should know because she is human being. Plus your wife is kissing her H what kinda bull is that. 

I am not trying to be argumentative or insensitive but this is not a game. This is not something that should be hidden to keep the peace. If this guy gets a free pass and you do nothing he is going to come back around. 

Not only should you do this for yourself, to give yourself some dignity back, but his wife deserves to have the knowledge that her husband is not being faithful.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

OMG, I am so sorry you are here. I have a similar story where my H was sleeping with his best friend's wife (also my close friend). It's devastating, and I can't imagine actually catching them in the act of being physical. That would be so much more than I can stand.

Get an STD panel (make sure your doctor tests for HPV which I'm not sure if they do regularly for men - however you can pass that on to a future female partner and it can cause cancer, warts, etc.). Friends apparently can and will pass on STDs.

Expose the whole thing. Right away. I didn't do it well and it sucks to have not done it well. To this day, the OWH thinks I'm a liar and his wife is a saint that my H TRIED to seduce (he still believes no sex happened!). He refuses to look at the evidence that shows the opposite to be true.

You'll get lots of good advice on how to expose, be sure to follow it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Play hardball. Don't give her any breaks. She fvcked up royally.

Take responsibility for your part in the marriage, but NOT for her cheating. That is ALL on her.

She has to prove to you she's worthy of reconciliation before you should even consider it.

My husband and I are reconciling after his infidelity, but we wouldn't be if he hadn't done everything he needed to. There's a link in my sig you can read if you like.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Again, I have to stress. Get in touch with the OMW. The two of you can tag team finding evidence and ensuring NC. Obviously the wife has to know something is up since you all rushed out of their house suddenly. 

Hopefully you will have a good enough relationship with the female counterpart of your friendship than I did with my OWH and you can actually work together. Hopefully the OMW will have the stones to actually want the truth rather than bury her head in the sand like my OWH. I think he is the biggest wuss ever. His mom told me recently "I'm proud of him for putting his kids above anything else. For forgiving and forgetting all to make sure his family stays together." How stupid. He's going to get screwed over again, his wife was way too smooth in her handling of this. She only lost her temper/cool at me ONCE despite plenty of chances to do so. And she's never waivered in her story. I guarantee this wasn't her first rodeo....and it won't be her last.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

*Tell the other mans wife*. Don't tell your wife or her lover. Just do it. After you've done this you can tell your wife that she has put you in the position of being party to betraying the innocent wife and you will have none of it. THEY hurt the omw, not you!

She is trying to avoid the consequences of her actions and trying to get you to help protect her affair partner! Why would you do that? You'll get a lot opinions here. But just ask yourself if the reverse happened...

What if the other man's wife would have caught them? Wouldn't you want to be told? Or would you want her to sit on that info to "spare your feelings"?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You just caught them last night and your wife can't promise NC,so what is she doing today.Are you together? Is she contacting OM?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sex only once??? It always starts off being only once then the number keeps going up the more you look into it.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Also, pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and get a copy of it for your wife. Start reading! If she's willing to read and work on your marriage at least it will help bring things to the surface. If only you read it -- it will help bring to light how easily these types of relationships happen. The fact that she fessed up to PA after a night of questions is good...even though it's possible more info might be coming. For some of us, confession has come at a painful pace.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I will tell you the biggest mistake I made was not exposing the A right from the start.

Get it done. Make sure your parents and her parents know and the POS wifes know.

Stop having sex with your wife right now and both get checked for STD's For your own sake get yourself into IC and get you and your wife into MC

Your wife sleeping with another man is bad enough but she was going at it with him with you upstairs. Not a lot of respect for you at this point.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

dormant said:


> If you are really close friends, maybe you could tell him you are considering telling her. Then tell him, you are giving him a chance to come clean first.



I'm sorry...but don't do this. If he knows you will tell OMW, he will just start prepping her that you are going crazy. JUST TELL HER without any warning to WW or OM. Don't resist...it needs to be done. Yes, she will be mad at you. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive another man in your relationship. Assuming you want to R, that is.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Time to drop the hammer.

Do it for yourself.

Gather all the evidence, then start exposing.

It's the only weapon you've got at the moment.
Use it to your advantage, before it's too late.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Consider for a moment that your wife doesn't want you to tell his wife so she can continue her relationship. When his wife finds out, that will probably end their trysts. That is what she is protecting, not the OM's marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jroosen said:


> His wife does not know. Part of me doesn't feel that its my place to tell her, but at the same time, I feel like I should. My wife asked me not to tell her. She told me its bad enough she screwed up our relationship, she doesn't want to hurt theirs. Seems too late for that.


*Not your place? Oh, yes it is!*

You and your wife must get tested for STDs. They used condoms? Doesn't matter. There's still a risk.

You must tell his wife as SHE needs to get STD tests, too. And if your wife thinks she is the only other person he cheated with, I have several palaces for sale in the UK, at a special bargain price that she might like to buy.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"When we got home, the conversation started. I asked her if this had ever happened before and she said no. Long story short, I drug it out of her that this had happened repeatedly before. Not only that, but about 2 months ago, they had sex."

Sorry to say but they made out repeated and only has sex once.

Why do I find that not a beleivable story.

My guess is that your wife and your so called best friend have been having an affair for a long time -- and I say that because they were so comfortable about not getting caught while making out in his house (when you and his wife were there). Wonder how far it would have gone if you didn't catch them ?? Let you answer that.

BTW --- Tell the OM's wife --- not to hurt her but to give her the information to make a decision if she wants to stay married. She deserves that at the very least.

Good luck -- and sorry to say you will learn/find out more of the truth in the coming days/weeks/months.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

You must get used to the fact that your wife is not the woman you once knew.

Her cheating has made her become a regular liar. How many times during the last months did she either tell you a lie or lie by omission? Think about it. She went out of bed every single day and decided not to tell you about her deception.

So don't believe a word of what she tells you about the affair, unless you can verify. I learned that the hard way, and from all the reading here at TAM, I realized it's a common treat for cheaters.

Take care of yourself.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your wife had sex with the OM multiple times in multiple places. She is TT you big time.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell the OM's wife inmediatelly, don't tell your wife you are going to do it.
Talk to a lawyer, at least you will find out where you stand up.
Get a STD test. yesterday. No umprotected sex untill further advice.
You already told her you wants this to work out, you already acknowledged your failing to show her your love and the comitment to improve this.
Then lay the law:
-Demand life longlife NC, starting with a NC letter (Aks for templates here).
-Demand a STD test (it will be hummillliating for her, which is a good deterrent and may help to clear the fog your wife is in)
-Demand full access to comunication devices and acountability of where abouts. (Anyway, you need to verify the NC; keylog the PC, spyware on cellphone, check the phone with the bill, get a VAR. IT's unlikely the are not conocting stories and giving each other "support" which may lead to go underground).
-Demand full disclosure (I have no doubt it's way more deeper and longer then you wish, the ALWAYS minimize)
-Demand MC
-Demand she assume the responsibility of her choices (She always could demand a separation or divorce instead of screw up two marriages nad long term friendships, she had options. You weren't the best husband, sure, you has your share of the marriage issues, she own 100 % of the affair).

Take car of you, eat and drink properly.
Hnag though, man.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey JR---this is not about being civil, and worrying about feelings----nuclear winter is already in place

Do you have kids?????

You tell the other wife--

-if you wanna R., your mge---you NEED every available asset there is---having the other wife, checking on her H, will help keep this under control

You have a major problem here, cuz we are talking about friends, and I assume neighbors---your wife is real deep into her lover, she was willing to risk everything, by making out right there in the same house with you present----this is not gonna end any time soon---addicted people do not go cold turkey, just like that

Right off the bat---you are taking on the wrong game plan

But 1st lets get something straight---yes her lover, your so called friend is a real POS---but you have only one beef and that is with your wife

She is who you took vows with, she promised to love and honor, and have your back---she is the only other person INVOLVED IN YOUR MGE----you may have taken her for granted---it was her place to, then---come to you and force you to discuss what was wrong with the mge---it was not her place to go and spread her legs for her lover

You need to come down hard, and I do mean hard---read, all the threads, not one betrayed ever got anywhere by being soft-------you cannot throw out the I love you lines, and I will do anything/everything to make this work---what is it you don't understand by the fact that she cheated---she took another man inside of her----you do not just let that slide----also what you are getting from her, is probably just the tip of the iceberg

You both need to get checked for STD

If you decide to R, and I really don't know why you would, unless you enjoy being 2nd, in your wife's life---you need to set out heavy boundaries with actionable consequences, NOT WORDS, but ACTIONS.

Your wife must know HARD accountability, not I am willing to work this out, and do what she wants, its what you demand, at this point in time!!!!!!

You F'ing TELL her, what is gonna go down, for quite a while---and it starts with you telling her lovers wife---she doesn't get a vote---she lost all rights when she started spreading her legs---again also your beef is with your wife---not her lover!!!!!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Listen to the people above, they're giving you the straight scoop. Both on the fact that this is a long standing affair and what to do to blow it up.

Two questions, JR:

How many kids?

How often do other women hit on you?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

By the way OP this guy is not your best friend.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

RClawson said:


> By the way OP this guy is not your best friend.


That's for sure; the guy needs to face some consequences, but they're all illegal.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Sex only once??? It always starts off being only once then the number keeps going up the more you look into it.


No sh!t it does...

My WW went from once with a condom, to a handful of times
without one, to at least 10 times without one.

This was *after* she told me it never went past the texting,
which also included xrated pics to one another that she said
never happened, which was also later proven false.

Dude... listen to the people here.

This is your life... play around if you wish.

Or get serious.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Ha Bull crap your wife doesn't want to tell her because her virgin mary image is going to go out the ****ing window. Tell the OMW


This and it will destroy her affair too
[ic]Posted via Mobile Device[/i]


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> No sh!t it does...
> 
> My WW went from once with a condom, to a handful of times
> without one, to at least 10 times without one.
> ...


He is also thinking that it was only once, but he should be prepared to hear about more encounters.
If they did it when OP was upstairs then they may have done it on OPs bed. Shame on his wife.
The biggest mistake BSs make during the Ddays are assuring the WW they want to work it out. It will only give an upper to WS when they are dealing with A later.

Expose her to OMW.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> If they did it when OP was upstairs then they may have done it on OPs bed.


You know it. That's another ticket they've all got to punch.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

looks like another post and runner


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

they have done it all over the place, her house, his house, the backseat and any where else they could. If he have'nt ran, you needs to out him and her NOW. they was just to comfortable doing it while others was around.. these two know how to do 5 min. quickies without shame. remember all those times she and him disappeared or ran to the store, well she came back wet Bro, and smiling at how smart they was, and how dumb you are. just remember all the lil get togethers, and I bet you will see lot of time they was not in the same room as you. I'm not trying to hurt you, we are just trying to get you to wake up. AND,,, I would have DNA done on the kids YESTERDAY !!!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> looks like another post and runner


A growing trend as it were. I think this guy is weighing the acceptability and future of being a cuckold.


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