# Should I work hard or is it time to let go?



## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

I am in a peculiar situation and am unsure of what to do from this point on.

We've had what many would consider a fairy tale life... A relationship where we dated for almost 8 years and then have been married for 15. Have one daughter, 13...

My problem is that my wife defies all practical logic, and decides to take a stand, that often times isn't logically or socially acceptable, and makes it impossible for me to support, in spite of me being in love with her for all this while.

SOME EXAMPLES BEING

She refuses to understand the household budget, yet wants to keep the only credit card in the family with an unlimited spending budget. After 14 years of convincing, she finally agrees to a monthly budget, yet goes out shopping indiscriminately on her credit card with no regard for savings / long term planning or our future. 

She contiunues to hoarde (read: buy new of) anything / everything she can, yet dump perfectly usable pieces of furniture, equipment, clothes.. In a nutshell, totally careless about money - I thank my stars for putting me in a situation that I have been able to afford it, but for any sane person, it's enough to drive them mad the way she chooses to shop and then discard stuff.... 

She has been a stay at home mother largely, though has taken up 5 or 6 different hobbies (proffessions such as furnishings export, jewellery design, 3D Animation, Running a Restaurant (yep, we lost over $500,000 there too) and what have you!!) 

Each of her hobbies costs money, but that's fine.. problem is she blames me for not supporting her enough (traveling 4 hours with her to find suppliers etc.. leaving my own work aside) and I am the reason for all her failures.... 

She wants to be fiercely independent, however, refuses to learn any trade by going in detail, believes she knows it all, and should be given reins of anything to manage from day 1.... Tried that, lost a lot of money, shut down the business...

We relocated countries a while back, she made my life miserable complaining everyday about how she hates it in the new country, and yet when we finally did move back (in less than a year), has been giving me hell to move back out some place else, as she hates it here.... (not to mention the first move ended up costing us $250,000) She has no regard for this, she wants what she wants, and believes money will flow in magically.. You can't have a money discussion with her because then she believes I'm clipping her wings and will show it in her face/attitude for many weeks...

I've not bought a single piece of clothing for over a year since we moved back to our own country, yet she has been stuffing her wardrobe ever since....

She keeps monthly memberships to Spa for she needs a spa treatment, has no concern for me to even ensure that I get food on time (I mean after all, I work 80 hour weeks, am I too mean to expect getting good/proper meals at their usual times?) 

She refuses to take any responsibility around the household, or shows any signs that she is even remotely keen to perform any of her partner's duties (considering she's at home) ... If she has charge of household help (yes we have full time help) I can't even expect food that I may like... It has to be always as per her preferences and likes.... 

When we're entertaining, and if the guests happen to be from my circle of friends, she considers it perfectly normal to just go in to the bedroom and sleep while the guests are still at home... 

That's just some of the problems and yet I am unable to decide if I should just separate for a while because I love her so much and the thought is just too painful..

Any pointers for me? Tried therapy a few years ago, she victimizes herself and cries to get her point across... no result there.... It's impossible to have a courteous conversation with her without her countering my point of view, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!! In over 10 years, there has not bee ONE single instance when she has subscribed to my point of view, she ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has the diagonally opposite point of view... So much so, that I've tried to level with her view, only to find it change diametrically again, and now she is of my original view - hope I'm explaining this right.?


She hates my family, never ever ever attempts to meet / greet anyone, hates my friends, will always have an air of superiority around her if she's in a gathering with a friend group of mine.. so it creates an awkward situation for me around my friends (they think my wife has a high attitude, she thinks low of all things me )

How do I fix this? Divorce/Separation is not an option I am considering for I owe this to our daughter (though she completely talks her mother's language) - according to her, no physical activity is a perfectly natural way of living, spa treatments / pedicure / manicure at 12 years of age should be acceptable ... they refuse to holiday unless it is in an exotic locale, fly only business class ... the list is endless... I am providing for all of this, yet feel like being given the doormat treatment ... Not sure how long can I even keep this up ....... 

Is there any normal way to fix this? 

Thanks for reading thus far (if you are still reading it) and sorry for overwhelming you with this ...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

How's your sex life?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy, i'm up for adoption if you'll have me,i can be just a big of a mooch as the rest of them..seriously--who cares if she whines and cries,you not only got to rain in her finances,you have to knock her damn ego outta the water..how did this entitled lifestyle of her start?


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> How's your sex life?


Bad for most part, I'd say... She has always been the "coy" types, if you know what I mean... Never initiates sex, even while we were dating, while we would meet often in initimate settings, she would many a times end up avoiding (mainly owing to social pressure of sex before marriage - her roots!) 

So anyways, most of our lives, it's been largely me that initiates, plans, or suggests any excitement.. for her, it's more like a one-off activity for some pleasure, and that's it....


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

let me guess you got life insurance out the azz, to continue her "lifestyle".


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

67flh said:


> buddy, i'm up for adoption if you'll have me,i can be just a big of a mooch as the rest of them..seriously--who cares if she whines and cries,you not only got to rain in her finances,you have to knock her damn ego outta the water..how did this entitled lifestyle of her start?


Well, I believe I am the one that started it .... She came from a very well to do family, I was an aspiring entrepreneur but my family was very poor... so, I was trying to rise up to her expectations / standards, I guess....... 

I did, eventually outgrow any of her imagination in terms of money, but it seems that feeling of "matching up" never went out, and it has emerged in to this situation now... She started to enjoy the money, and we had a real nasty fight situation a few years ago, when I demanded she be responsible for at least something in the household - whatever she wants, but she needs to take up a job in the home and give it her best... it became a crazy year for the entire family ..... 

Lots of tantrums, her family coming all out to support her stand and blaming me of being high-headed with my money and what not..... 

My only problem - I want to keep my daughter isolated from this because my wife doesn't care about arguing in front of her on any subject whatsoever, including herself.... 

She actually doesn't care about anything when it comes to throwing her weight around.. the other day, I was in a meeting at my home office with two important clients...(we had recently finished switching rooms for some of the stuff / computers etc.) I had switched cables on her computer with better ones but she didn't know how to plug them in, so she walks up in on our meeting, and attempts to plug out my monitor cable, right when I am in the meeting, saying she wants her cable back, (without realizing that she already has the cable, and a better one at that!)


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

67flh said:


> let me guess you got life insurance out the azz, to continue her "lifestyle".


you mean taking out policies? Yes, you get it right, 100% ...


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> I am in a peculiar situation and am unsure of what to do from this point on.
> 
> We've had what many would consider a fairy tale life... A relationship where we dated for almost 8 years and then have been married for 15. Have one daughter, 13...
> 
> ...



hmm.
sheldon we Seem to have either Married into the Same Family 7000 Miles apart , or been living the Same scenario life across the atlantic .Everything In bold , is shared , Except your generosity with the Expenses .

I nearly fell off my Chair when i found someone posting up that their wife goes tosleep and feels absolutely nothing of it , when the buddie's are still around in the house . 

Then Moving onto the finances part . I googled onto This forum because I am totally out of advice for Myself , Regarding Money , finances , and how to alter the wife's perceived view On what is "the Man's Responsibility" and What is considered Plain Lunacy .

I am at MY wit's end , so will be watching for Replies to your Plght with much interest . 

We are both working individuals , though at one stage her employment was remunerating her a little stronger than mine was , but the tables have turned slightly and i now stick in a bucket of hours to Clear enough to pay for Most of our expenses , and then feed my climbing interest into Life enjoyment and fishing . In other Words: Pay all the bills _ whats left youMight have to share with me cuz I'm broke ... 

This has mostly been the scenario , and admittedly , i bought things such as a Motor bike etc , within My monthly budget , as i was on a roll and earned a rather decent living . This Was back in 2007/8

Enter 2 unplanned kids . 

Whom I Love dearly . 

And would also have loved to have had some input on , with regards to their arrival , schooling , -you Know- the general basics of life when one does things of this Sort.

Denied . 


It's called PLanning . i don't Know why she hasn't gotten to 'P' yet in my dictionary , cuz she knows how to use the S is for 'Spending ' , bit .

Can't spend if you haven't Planned . End of Story .


I Therefore now pay for schooling at a School that i never chose - No discussion whatsoever .

This morning i was told she'd Taken the Day off work , as she'd Decided to have her nails and hair done , " seeing as though Nobody else will pay for it , I'm spending money i don't have , because I'm worth it ...... " 

Lets Rewind 2 Weeks back Shall we .I wont Pay for hair n Nails but .......
Walked into a Camp Shop , proceeded to purchase a huge tent(which i thankfully got On a special Discount ), after aforementioned said she Wanted to camp "In style" ,even though we Rarely , if EVEr , GO, camping -this is usually done with her friends , and not Mine;in Cash , 2 stretcher beds , then into another shop to purchase en electric cooler , sleeping bags , Daypacks- you Get the picture .
A month prior , it was tyres for her vehicles for her Vehicle, christmas style toys for the Kids - and a jacket for dad . Yes, i made some spare cash , and i actually got to spoil myself with a bit of it .

IN General ,Our Expenses Lean toward her's being 58% of what mine is - i pay the Rent , school Fees , electricity , water , the piece of land i bought , it's water and availability , our life insurance , her insurance on her vehicle , half the Groceries , my life policies and annuities ,and take-aways during the month .
She pays for Day-care of The kids, their clothing , half the groceries , all of her debt (which milks her , because of her own stupid hard-headedness ) and anything the kids Might Think up or want during an average month . Unacceptable In My Opinion , the Last point .

This Leaves Little for anything other Than survival , and i have to sneakily make spare cash , buy something i Like ,and hoard it in the garage . When this is *found* - an immediate Retaliatory remark is issued " these are new- Well then I'm going to get myself another Set of Puma's then " . Problem is : i bought the first pair , dearest , and it's MY Money i'm spending - after I've paid everything due - Im' entitled to SOMe of my salary , Aren't I ???????? 
Apparently not , and this Irks Me beyond the point of reason . 

She has her circle of Friends , i have Mine . refuses to support Me in the fishing aspect(it Is a terrible spectator sport I admit ) so I end up spending a saturday or a sunday , alone at the Water's edge ( which , by The way - I have to justify ) , but In general I Feel i am paying enough to afford myself a little quality time to practice a Relaxing but serious , Hobby . 


I am Repeatedly being told that us men Think we Think we're The Big show , when in Reality I Feel I Pay enough of My way to Allow
for a Little Fun . 

So , yea , I'm also Up for some serious advice .

I have considered Seriously Relinquishing the kids , giving up the struggle , and not completely Moving On , but instead distancing myself from her and her apparent willingness to bandish independance about , and let her Take some of the heat for a While . Move out , keep paying the rent- but let her 2 foot deep Baths in soaking hot water , suck her wallet for 3 weeks . Though i am loathe to Say this , it seems simply childish , unnneccessary , and avoidable in every sense , to have to need , or feel the need to , go to such great lengths , to get a point Across . 

I feel like the horse being flogged to run faster Each month , and Each time i refuse to give in and "spend " - be given a long soppy speech about My un-supportiveness on the financial front , when , in fact , in my view , i am also paying my dues , which is indirectly allowing someone , a non-contributor , or shall i say a Lessor contributor to our cause , want to have THE say in things financial. Heh ?

It's almost as if Nothing i spent over the least 3 months , has any bearing on her requests for me to pick up a nail n hair Bill , when my line of thoughts are More down the lines of : " Well- i bought the Frikkin Tent for Heaven's Sake- how 'bout you pick up your own luxury bill , there's a good 'hon...... " ...... ???

Roll on Advice , Roll On .....


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Oh my lord, it all sounds so familiar, though in my case, she's not even paying for half the groceries, or the day care of any expense of any nature whatsoever... and when I, as the primary (only) caregiver in the family dare to question any un-necessary expenditure like another leather purse/bag, pat comes the retort "You're treating me like s#it just because you bring the bread on the table" 

Damn it, woman, I'm simply trying to make you learn the importance of money ... Over the past one year (just one year), I've picked up a few hobbies of my own such as photography and cycling (very recently), brows are raised everytime I talk of buying a piece of equipment or a padded short... if brows aren't raised, a note is made secretly in the head to bring it up next time I raise the subject of wasteful spending...

Just two days ago, on a stall (in a fair we visited), set up just for one day of festival, some one was selling stoles, claiming to be genuine pashmina at 1/3 the price and she was all out to buy it, when I said if you really need it, then pay the right price and buy from a branded store... it's been three days, we haven't as much as said good mornings or good nights.... the trip to the fair was cut immediately at that very minute, and we've both been sulking ...

She recently started a job, something that obviously won't pay for a week's rent but at least that keeps her busy / out of the house for a few hours in mornings... all of a sudden, it seems she's found a new bump in her walk, a new air around her, she considers herself financially dependent on me because I have all bank passwords (mind you, I have paid every single dime, every single month, for every single day of our lives) 

Probably, it's her way of punishing me for taking her father's help with the first 3 months of rent when we moved out of my parents' home right after we got married... 

you said 

***********************************
refuses to support Me in the fishing aspect
***********************************

I just finished a 100km ride last weekend (my first triple digit ride) and when I got back home, asked her to heat the breakfast that the cook had already prepared, her reply was "How am I concerned if you've finished a 100K"

Some close family members have observed this attitude and commented to me privately "What's with her competing with you, why's that?" and I don't get it "It's not competing, it's just not acknowledging me "

So I am not even sure if I'm looking for advice with my cribs/rants... on the contrary, I believe she fell out of love with me several years ago, and while she likes the thought of being in love, she's not able to really fake it any more...


What's the road from this point on, I was reading this post by "almost recovered" though his post dealt with infidelity, he makes some solid suggestions for going on path of reconciliation, but I have a feeling she'll downrightly reject it (as she has several other suggestions in the past because she thinks she's a know-it-all)

Hell in store for now, may be we need to fight and conquer the fear of losing her, and it will make them turn around and take notice!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop being her sugar daddy and start being her husband. 

Man up and handle that!

Lay down the law, its' your money in the first place.


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

Well , congrats On the 100km Sheldon - i have 7 of em behind My Name , but that was before i met Miss Willful . 

I suspect that you May be right about getting over the fear of losing them .
i have a lady friend who often offers me advice , and i once questioned how she could Live and Enjoy life with such reckless abandon.
"It's simple Stoo - i live My life . That's why i still talk to you , cuz before any of These male Partners, there's always been you to turn to for a rant ,or advice , and just general Hello , without the need to explain or Express or duck Kisses n stuff-we're just Mates- if they don't like it -well- sorry for them but it's My life , and these people i talk to , are part Of My life . "

Were i to now respond to any quarrels at home with advice from the above , I'd be Looking down the twin barrels of a pump-action . 

I think we're almost in the same boat though- I don't nececcessarily Want her to worship Me at My feet , but i Mean , for crying out loud - if you feel so strongly i am Not paying enough , then lets Sit down like adults(apparently that's who We're supposed to be , after making the decision to have Kids ...) and discuss what you think i Need to Pay for more , and I will show you in spcific detail what i have left (some months are good , others are not ) and prove or at least set your Mind at Ease , as to why I am Or am Not able to afford it financially . 

Instead - she'll head to work , then sit and bbm Me about her shortcomings :" I'm not happy with my work - you don't show Me enough support - no-one else Will pay so i guess I'll have to ", kind of crap . She Works , and Cleans the house , as a weekly hand around the house has so Many glitches attached to it that I am Not up for a Legal battle should the helper Decide I'm not paying enough . If i's able to Afford it - fine- Id hire somefor her - but rightnow - I'm Not able to . Simple Logic . It hurts , but My decisions are very Much ruled by the words 'Reasonable Justification " .

By The grace of all things I'd Really Love to be able to afford More , or , At the Very least , have her Debt-free , but No sooner have i Paid for One thing , when the list is lengthened . 

i have labelled her a control Freak , as This is the impression I am Getting about the situation . No Man can tolerate having his Own woman walk into the house , turn down the music , close the blinds , close The Doors , turn on all the lights , and simply take charge of what is considered our "Castle" , though i do Not want to use the word castle as this Leads to the assumption i am on a power-trip , as the castle's king .....

5 , some Weeks 6, days a week , I am at the disposal and beck n Call of other people , so When i get home- I Want to have hold of the Reigns , is this being too unreasonable of Me or am i just completely nuts and Need to be Neutered ???? pffft ....

i almost ended This Statement Now with a saying that would Most probably have gotten me flamed ............by saying ......
"Women ........." ....... lol !!

Gotta Love em - but gotta understand em too , in order to love Em !! 

Go figure .


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Stop being her sugar daddy and start being her husband.
> 
> Man up and handle that!
> 
> Lay down the law, its' your money in the first place.


hmm, am I wrong in believing that because we were both in marriage together while we made this money, both of us have equal rights on the money? Isn't that what a divorce attorney/judge would do? Split it down the middle? The point being, I am being fair by choice in my thought process by considering it as jointly earned money - she may not have been a part of making it, but she was home, making me happy, at least, at the time what I thought was being happy!

In retrospect, I've not had a say in my daughter's admission, not in any redecorating, she picks / throws hobbies out the window at will (Feng Shui was one such hobby that she used to redecorate for a most part initially) but then, did an abrupt u-turn... 

so, I did try the "manning-up' in 2008. I refused to give her any money, and said if you want it, you might as well work for it, take any part of responsibility that you choose at home, but then it becomes yours, you will have to take it - she hates committing to it, a lot of brawl ensued with her whole family jumping in (and giving advice I never asked) and eventually even offering her a safe abode ... In the end, I gave in, for the sake of saving the crap my daughter was going through .. I am sure it has had an impact on her in some way (she does believe I'm the villian in the house) ....

DISCLAIMER: My daughter has witnessed 1 or 2 (and I repeat there have just been one or two) instances when while arguing and drinking at the same time, I have thrown a dish or a remote across the hall - Never aimed at a person, rather on the contrary, on the opposite side, and I deeply truly regret doing this at all (more so, in front of my daughter), but W had me driven me up to the point of going crazy, and while I have never ever been abusive or have had any form of physical outburst while arguing/drinking, this was my outlet of pent-up frustration really.... - Eventually, I am guessing this turned her against me as a villian, probably... that's the best explanation I can find..

otherwise, she does avoid going out to play with me because I push her to work hard, and not let her take it easy.. if she's running a 2K in school, I make her slow jog, and not let her stroll casually in the park - my Wife obviously sides with the daughter, and eventually they both decide to not do any form of physical activity for the daughter.... 

How does one man up in a situation like this? Start by setting up ground rules?

The problem, and this is again, just a very casual example that comes to my mind in time like this - Even when I start to discuss family budget with her, she would come up with a ridiculous estimate, something that's like 3 or 4 times the actual budget, and that means I've got to commit to that high a payment every month towards household and still not be sure if she won't decide to spend the equal of $2000 in any month on a new course she decided to pursue!


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Def-e-nition said:


> Well , congrats On the 100km Sheldon - i have 7 of em behind My Name , but that was before i met Miss Willful .


Thanks, am attempting a 200k this weekend, hope I make it.. since this last 100K episode, I went out and did another 140K, and made sure I had my breakfast even before I came home...

Think about this, I am trying to avoid eating white rice, and prefer it it was brown, for the sake of losing some weight.. And mind you, she doesn't have to cook it herself ... the help does it.... She makes it a point to mention that she's having to eat brown rice just because of me... and eventually, we're all eating white rice again...... 




Def-e-nition said:


> No Man can tolerate having his Own woman walk into the house , turn down the music , close the blinds , close The Doors , turn on all the lights , and simply take charge


I would think no man or woman should have to tolerate this .. but in my case, even at bed-time, if I am reading a book on my tablet, she will make a lot of noise and whining eventually making me shut it down, but if/when she decides to read a book, the lights in the entire bedroom are supposed to stay on..... 

I guess we'll wait for some others to chip in with their experiences and suggestions... I do see we're in pretty much the same boat, and it's shaking .....


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Have you read about this? I came across this a few weeks ago, seemed a lot like what describes my W, just not sure yet... could this be it?

Narcissistic personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> hmm, am I wrong in believing that because we were both in marriage together while we made this money, both of us have equal rights on the money? Isn't that what a divorce attorney/judge would do? Split it down the middle? The point being, I am being fair by choice in my thought process by considering it as jointly earned money - she may not have been a part of making it, but she was home, making me happy, at least, at the time what I thought was being happy!
> 
> *Correct . In Sa , if she Was at Home Kneading the dough while you were Making Money to BUy the dough- it's half hers !! *
> 
> ...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Could be bipolar - flights of ideas but no follow through.

Could be ADHD - flights of ideas but no follow through.

See where I'm going? some sort of mental illness.

You are fully in as a participant in this never ending cycle of drama. 

I feel sorry for your daughter.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

I can offer no advice as I've never been married. My goodness sir, she reminds me quite a good deal of Mildred (from the book, of human bondage). And what makes it tough is that you have a 13 year old child. Your situation reminds me of my mom and dad. Pretty much my dad was the bread winner of the house and we could have easily lived solely on him when we were younger although she did have a job. My mom spent a good amount on useless things, didn't want my dad to make smart investments (which turned out would have very profitable), traveled quite a bit, bought countless items, house renovations and gave away money to my aunts, uncles, grandparents overseas and to be honest I'm pretty sure never gave him that much pussa. 

Of course my dad would try to make her understand that her actions weren't favorable but she never saw it that way and would fight with him about it as she no fault in what she did. My dad was a really quiet and reserved guy but as he got older he started to become agitated and very grumpy which means to me it ate him up completely over the years. This change has made my dad distance himself from her emotionally which makes her think she's cheating on him which I know for a fact it not true. So my bro and I (as teens) - as a means to prevent another fight from happening - tried to explain to her that my dad is who he is because of her behavior. To her it seems it was sudden, but to us it was obviously coming. No matter what we told her she never listened or learned and BOY is it hard to get her to understand. At that time in intermediate school, I would have completely understood if they were to divorce or separate.

I just hope your daughter doesn't pick up her behavior because life won't get easier and think of the poor sap if she had the same expectations as your wife (I mean no offense). I think it comforted my dad that we understood his position. I also think it he was lucky we understood his viewpoints. I love them both dearly (AND not on more than the other) as they do but I'm being realistic and my mom pretty acted like a trophy wife which I hope isn't your case. They are still together but mom has to a degree learned how she acted wasn't what a spouse would like. I think it helped her to realize this since I told her frankly that I wouldn't want a wife that acted the way she had (of course in a more polite manner). One thing is, I don't think my mom was as childish as to sleep when guests were over or brusquely interrupt a meeting for some chord. 

I really hope things go well for you sir. I'm sorry that I cannot offer you any advice but I just wanted to share some sort of view from a son with parents that were in a situation as similar as yours.


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you ilou for the time taken to share your experience. Yes, I did miss out mentioning the "trophy wife" part .. She does believe that to be the case...

Having said all that, I appreciate your candidness, but my fear stems from the fact that I do not wish to spend my life with pent up frustration and anger turning me into a constantly agitated person.. I am under 40 years of age, have peak of my fun life ahead of me, and yet, I'm sulking around on these message boards trying to find a solution..

I believe I am trying to find two things here.

1. A means to get comfortable / used to the notion of being alone, whether by separation or divorce

2. A means to get my daughter psychologically in a state that she understands some of my side, at least for the time being.

I know it's not easy for a child to go through a separation or even a fight of any kind, but there needs to be a happeir way to live for everyone.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> Bad for most part, I'd say... She has always been the "coy" types, if you know what I mean... Never initiates sex, even while we were dating, while we would meet often in initimate settings, she would many a times end up avoiding (mainly owing to social pressure of sex before marriage - her roots!)
> 
> So anyways, most of our lives,* it's been largely me that initiates, *plans, or suggests any excitement.. for her, it's more like a one-off activity for some pleasure, and that's it....


Well, you are the man, so that's to be expected. If you aren't getting a full bore positive response when you do initiate than I question what you think you're getting out of the marriage. If your wife thinks she's a "trophy wife" you can tell her that she's going to get an unacceptable rating in her next annual review, because she has not fulfilled her principle duty as listed in her official job description.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> Have you read about this? I came across this a few weeks ago, seemed a lot like what describes my W, just not sure yet... could this be it?
> 
> Narcissistic personality disorder
> Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


NPD is what it sounds like to me from reading your first post. There's not much you can do with one of those if she's actually diagnosed NPD. Before you go to divorce, which is probably going to be the only solution in the end, you should read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. Both are about how to successfully man up. The second is that plus how to build and maintain attraction for women over an LTR.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

sheldonbloopr said:


> Have you read about this? ... could this be it? Narcissistic personality disorder?


Sheldon, one of the best overviews of NPD I've seen is Kathy Batesel's article describing typical narcissist behavior at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. (Kathy calls herself "JellyGator" on her blog.) Yes, I would agree that you are describing many traits of narcissism. 

Yet, if you believe that she truly loves you and that she is emotionally unstable, I would say you are describing behavior closer to the symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). There is nothing in your posts, however, to indicate she is unstable or that she loves you. Unlike BPDers, narcissists are unable to love and are emotionally stable. This, then, is why I believe your description leans more heavily toward narcissistic traits.


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Yet, if you believe that she truly loves you and that she is emotionally unstable, .......


At this point, no, I do not believe that she loves me, nor do I think she's emotionally unstable. She's in a very comfortable state emotionally, and can go on weeks without attempting to resolve a conflict while I am sleeping on the couch...

Eventually, I have to break ice with an email / text message (even if she's clearly in the wrong) and we end up brushing it under the carpet... but no real conversation around any real issue..

Having said that, I will still look over the BPD more in detail, thanks for the update!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Sheldon

Your daughter’s well being maybe your only rational excuse for not leaving. Your wife does not love you, does not respect you, and is taking advantage of you. 
*You are an enabler and a door mat.*


My first advice would be for you to give your wife a choice. Either you both get counseling or you will leave. Be prepared to follow through now or in the future on your plan for this crisis.

If she refuses than my advice would to be to determine if your daughter would be a lot better or a lot worse if you left. If it would be a small difference one way or the other then you should leave.

If you conclude that your daughter would be a lot worse off if you left then you make a plan, stick it out for a few more years, build your daughter up as much as possible, prepare to execute your plan, then leave. 

*Set yourself free from being a door mat, being disrespected, and enabling your wife to walk on you. 
No one else is going to set you free but you.*


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> At this point, no, I do not believe that she loves me, nor do I think she's emotionally unstable. She's in a very comfortable state emotionally, and can go on weeks *without attempting to resolve a conflict while I am sleeping on the couch...*


.I'm beginning to belive that some woman Pass around a handbook Sheldon ......

Couch sleeping . Nothing New . i bought a 3 seater sofa specially for just such an event . i have 2 of em . Not a word of a Lie . 

Rewind now to saturday . Mass Ride with the Triumph club . Leaves at 9 , for a fast 300km Jaunt through Neighbouring towns . 
Miss wilful Leaves at 8 for work , i organize Parentals to come and look after the Kiddies - This is a Problem for her , as the house is Not Cleaned yet .wtf ?- we both work - the house was clean - but she says it's a bad Reflection on her if my folks see the house in that" state " (heh ? I'm lost- my folks are going to Think bad of the house because we both Work until 8 Pm ? Really? no Ways .) 

Huge Argument . TRiumph club leaves timeously at 9am - Me , I'm Left having a Bbm quarrel until 9.45 Am at the filling station. i Missed the Trip . 
Kids had a Blast , mom threatens to move blah blah blah ad infinitum ,and my weekend is a wreck . What an utter load of Complete CRap . 

Sheldon , i do believe we are allowing This to take place , for Fear of some or other repercussions , in my case , it is the constant threat of leaving with the kids .

Frankly , after Hearing this load of bull crap Saturday , she could leave with them ANd everything in it ,(in the house ) I'll sacrifice all my belongings for some peace ........ Sheeeshhh .......................

Grrrrr


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## sheldonbloopr (Oct 23, 2012)

I am nearly on the verge of offering all that.... Read what Mr Blunt says above, makes a ton of sense.... Eventually, we NEED to take an action, because it's ruining our otherwise perfect lives! I mean we slog hard, make enough money to have fun and yet, spend it guilitfully so as to not irk the ire of the wife if we question their illogical spending!


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> I am nearly on the verge of offering all that.... Read what Mr Blunt says above, makes a ton of sense.... Eventually, we NEED to take an action, because it's ruining our otherwise perfect lives! I mean we slog hard, make enough money to have fun and yet, spend it guilitfully so as to not irk the ire of the wife if we question their illogical spending!


Quite right , quite Right .... Instead of spending guiltfully - i give Extra Cash (and No Ma'am - i Expect Nothing for it ), which boils down to the same Or similar thing as not questioning their illogical spending -though i do from time to time step in and ask how in blazes such and such a purchase could Ever have seen the light of day ....

What i am enjoying here on the forum is Tht people understand when we vent , that we are not painting ourselves as white saints and it's All just the womans fault all the time , cuz it isn't .

i Am , however, finding This " Repay-your-debt-cuz-you're-a-man " nonsense , tiring , and the mere Fact that a simple Weekend gesture of accompanying some bikers on a Seriously quick , fun outing with my old Man , was Met with such verbal Aggression that it lured me into feeling guilty (she works like me - every second Saturday , so time is limited and precious yes ?) and standing at a filling station , in full Leather kit - Having an Argument on a frikkin BB about how i can invite my folks over to Fetch the kids from the house so Early on a Saturday as it will " reflect badly On me as a mother " - wtf ??

i ended up completely Missing the ride , did My own thing alone (how stupid ) got a puncture in the process , took the kids in the end to a playland Type Thing Later That evening ,- 'Kids Sent Me no bill for spening some time with my old Man , but felt intensely angry with myself for allowing her to influence my decision so close to 9am , when , Clearly , being in full riding kit , I'd already Made the necessary arrangements for the Kiddies , as Well as made my Decision : i got dressed- means i Wanted to go . 

Remembering our conversation here , i simply stated that i'd give her until sunday to think About what judge would support her and declare she'd been acting rationally by wanting to pack up and Leave due to someone Seeing an apparently unkept house ( you all have my word the place is spotless) and That she needed to make a Decision Whether My house Was going to continue to remain her mail address , or whether she perhaps Wanted her own Mail Address - but That - either way- i am not willing to stay under this cardinal "Vatican" Rule any longer. 
It's Non-sensical , and if we Aren't contributing to each other's lives , perhaps It's time to Call it a day . Family means so Much to me , I just cannot live by hiding in a corner any longer .

I am allowing this mental bullying and have given in under all spheres (school choice , age gap between kids , etc etc etc ....) and this has now progressed into the Little , younger , doggie , Wanting to tell the Doberman/labrador when to go outside , when to sleep , where to sleep,what to find for supper, when to stay home - Nonsense . I've Labelled her a control Freak , and The single annoying thing i am not able to shake about this woman , is The Incessent Need , to continually be In charge of Things and decisions on things that can have an impact on Our financial psyche (or there's hell to pay ) but then when things don't work out too cool ( kids costing too much , pets costing a fortune , No Cash for Petrol etc ) she Wants to throw hints about Me not being supportive enough to understand that "these things cost Money " ..........

So , i throw the argument round in her Face and Say - " That's equivalent to Me coming home without consulting her , with 4 small Labradors - then Month end throwing hints about her needing to buy dog food and help Me as i Was broke . Huh ?? Who's idea were the dogs then ?- MINE . who's responsibility should They be then ?- MINE . Who should naturally Suffer or feel obliged to Offer financial or time Support toward These animals ?- NO ONe . 

She does things without Thinking , won't take My advice , and if i Mention that she certainly had to think things through more carefully - i get an earful of me not being supportive .Pffft. 
Well- If you'd bothered to consult with me at ALL , in the beginning , i Might Take Kinder to the Fact That if things didn't go so Nicely as Planned - agreed to offer assistance , and when the time came - No problem . One doen's just show up at the house with a Lamborghini or 5 dogs , and declare the world now owes you the world of help , as "these things are expensive " . That's your own Frikkin Fault dear - you just don't think . ...

I Made another final stand This Afternoon and told her That if she Was unsettled about something , she Needed to Really think about getting out of This comfort zone , ( we both do) or making a conscious decision to include Me in Thigns - Or suffer the consequences .
i quote :I'm really in No mood today for This conversation - i just want to get My work done . " 
so i said" that's fine - do your work- I've been waiting for you since saturday to reply to Me - you take Me lightly - I Might need to consider Making a monumental decision , but without your input . have it as you wish Ma'am . " 


'tis Certainly Time for change , This Cannot continue any longer . 

Extremely unhealthy way to live . The Kids See nothing Now , but When they grow up ....

No . I will Not have it .


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Sheldon
> 
> prepare to execute your plan, then leave.
> 
> ...


Morning Sheldon . 

I'm roundabout here , at the Moment . 

It Was Weekend- What were you Thinking ?! 

Bouth Camping equip. Check. Told you about it 
Planned to spend a wekeend fishing a Comp at a spot , and then rigging the tent up and voila- family weekend . 

By friday i still had No confirmation Of whether Family was going with or not- i stayed home instead of getting the jump On other anglers And scouting the terrain .
Saturday Left with tent in the Vehicle , lock stock n barrel .
Fished comp . Checked phone - guess what - No reply . 

so. I've Decided to stop this psycholoigcal bullying , and withdraw . it hurts but I'm withdrawing . To hell with it . As the above quote Mentions , I'm Going to wake up every Morning Now , and work towards My Plan of Sefl-justice , with Those words Carved into My mind .
heaven Knows , if i continue on this Path Like this , I'm going to Self-destruct . .

I trust that things are working better for you as well . I sure as hell have had enough .


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

sheldonbloopr said:


> I am nearly on the verge of offering all that.... Read what Mr Blunt says above, makes a ton of sense.... Eventually, we NEED to take an action, because it's ruining our otherwise perfect lives! I mean we slog hard, make enough money to have fun and yet, spend it guilitfully so as to not irk the ire of the wife if we question their illogical spending!


Bi-polar Hocus Pocus .

Sheldon - i did it .

i finally , finally , - MOVED . 

This crap of living with someone who would , sit On her bbm and disrespect Me indirectly , due to her not chirping back at people who would send her Messages like " F him man - he does exactly whatever he Wants ? "and " so when have you ever been bothered about what he Thinks? " And " don't worry about him man " - i finally packed My Things - clothing and Tv _left the Rest - And i Moved . 

It hurt like sh*t to leave , but She Now openly admitted that she has no respect for Me .

Her timing is Really really Crap- One month before christmas and she Decides this is a good time to drop the Provernail bomb on me , but it'll be a cold day in hell before i go back without a complete re-model. told her -go do what you want to do with these 'soothesayers" of yours - Let them sort out your Car , the water n lights , the Rent I'll do but the Rest - is yours to sort out - and i left . 

I told her if and when she's Ready to try and change , to contact me . 
i May Or may not , be Available , that time , but that's the cake she's baked for herself , and i've had enough . 

Hope you're working through yours bud - i Never in My wildest , Ever believed , that I'd sign off My life like this , Move into a hole of a place , just to be able to Get Out , and state My case .
when she comes to Me and complains about how she's not going to survive and make it Throgh to christmas, i simply hold up My hand in front of My face and say " Well thank Heavens , that i don't have to sit Through this anymore !!! you should've thought About that before you Decided it'd be convenient and "friends-approval-friendly " for me to Move Out .It's because you've never sat and Thought thigs through that you're IN this position- but I'm glad i don't have to listen to you anymore ! 

Unfortunatley , This was the only way i could seriously voice my dissatisfaction . 

Time will Tell what happens .

for every door That closes - 2 doors open , as the Saying goes , yes ?

Stuart


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I just posted this in another thread:

Where does the "fairy tale life" part of this story come in???


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