# First time posting: Fiance is too nice to other people.



## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

Hi, I'm new here 

I have been with my fiance for many, many years and we have one child together. We are planning on getting married in the next year or so.

Anyway, during the years, I've noticed a lot of things he does that are just...how else do I put this? stupid. One example is a couple years ago, he needed some work and his uncle owned a shed company. Owned a shed company sounds weird. To word it better, his uncle owned a name and built sheds when he felt like it and jipped customers and employees so frequently that he was losing his business...for the nth time. So his uncle (who is known for stepping on ANYBODY, including his own father, to get what he wants) says, "hey, you need a job, I need a worker, come work for me". My fiance does. They had discussed payment, gas, work time, everything, before he started. During the entire time, the money that I made starts depleting rapidly. He's driving 40 minutes there and 40 minutes back in our gas guzzling passport, and doesn't see any compensation. It's been weeks, right? Almost every day, my fiance would go out there and his uncle wouldn't even have the material cut out (which was his part of the job) so my fiance would have to sit and wait for hours. My fiance was always on time. 8 am. Sometimes he wouldn't get home until 11 or later at night. Of course, our son was feeling the repercussions. So many red flags came up and, during the entire month that he busted his butt, I was saying "hey, you should talk to him about pay. This isn't right. It's been 2 weeks...it's been 3 weeks...it's been a month." "This isn't fair. He isn't treating you right and we are completely broke." "why are you working for FREE!?" I would try and put my two cents in and we fought SO MUCH because of it. He had me in tears. He wouldn't stop going. He kept excusing EVERY single thing his uncle did because he thought he was helping him and he wanted him to get on his feet. Well, then his uncle disappears on a trip with a girl 3 states away! His uncle would disappear during the day and go out to nice lunches and meet girls. All while my fiance was building sheds alone for free. He wouldn't listen to me! I was so tired of fighting, I pretty much just shut down. We never saw him and all of my tip money was going to gas for the car. FINALLY, after about 5 weeks, he finally got fed up and just came home. He had to shut down the website he built for his uncle just to get him to pay him $500, which wasn't even all of what he owed him. It took 5 weeks!

Ok, sorry about the long back story. That's just one example. There are tons and tons more. He would let people just walk all over him and not even care, it seemed. But, whenever I say anything, we fight. Like him screaming at me as loud as he can. Then we don't talk. I hate it.

But now, he has a job that sometimes requires him to drive up to an hour. They pay him well and he likes the work. The problem is there's this homeless 50 some year old guy that has supposedly been working there for 5 years, has no car or license, and is always broke. Well, of course this guy starts asking my fiance for rides to work. He has to drive clear the hell out of his way for this guy, which means getting up at 3 am instead of 4 am to work at 5 am just to get him. This guy has been asking almost every single day. I mentioned money and my fiance told me the guy said he was broke. We're broke toO! On saturday, he gave him a ride again (like the 7th time I know about now) and he was taking FOREVER. I called him and asked why it was taking 40 minutes to drive 10 minutes home. He said the guy had to stop at his bank, wait in line, put money on his card to pay his bills and it all took a long time and my fiance had to wait. BS. Then the guy ( who just got paid ) gave him $5. $5!? seriously? One day, my fiance had left his wallet at home and drove 40 minutes to work, so he asked anyone at work to borrow money. The guy "loaned" him $4. Really? Loaned you $4? After you've been driving his butt around for weeks? "well, half of his paycheck goes to child support and he's trying to get his fines payed so he can get his license back...." 

OMG

Of course when I say anything, we fight. I can't say anything! I can't do anything! 

At work, they get a sheet of all their co workers #'s just to have. The other night at 11:30, some a hole called him looking for drugs. WTF? That's not what that list is for? Why does he think you have drugs!? Well, I guess the guy called more than just him. I freaked out. I told him to tell the guy to never call again and especially for stupid s like that. 

Of course that's not what he tells the guy. He sat on the phone, uncomfortable, for 10 minutes trying to get the guy to understand that he didn't know anyone with drugs, instead of telling him LOSE MY NUMBER. 

He's going to get himself into trouble and I feel helpless.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow... I feel for you. Kind of reminds me of my husband, in a way, although I trust my husband's judgment enough to know he'll say "when" at the right time. 

Still, we disagree on things like this when it comes to his daughter, who's addicted to drugs and yet he struggles because he always wants to help her and make her life easier instead of letting her hit bottom. 

Your guy's values are a basic part of who he is. As his wife, you benefit from his generous nature, too. 

Perhaps you can ask HIM what he thinks are reasonable limits for one person to be kind to another... If you said something like, "What if it wasn't you and your coworker, but me and someone I know? How generous would you say I should be?" 

If he shrugs and gives you the "I don't know" stuff, get more pointed. "Would it be ok for me to give them money? How much?" 

Meanwhile, consider whether there may be something else going on. When I hear that he's getting calls for drugs and otherwise using such bad judgment that he's willing to see harm come to his family, I don't find it hard to believe that he may have developed some drugging behaviors you don't know about.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Wow... I feel for you. Kind of reminds me of my husband, in a way, although I trust my husband's judgment enough to know he'll say "when" at the right time.
> 
> Still, we disagree on things like this when it comes to his daughter, who's addicted to drugs and yet he struggles because he always wants to help her and make her life easier instead of letting her hit bottom.
> 
> ...


No, the drug thing isn't like that at all. In fact, he was really confused as to why the guy was calling him. My fiance is just like me: scared to all hell of any sort of confrontation. I think he mostly does it out of obligation. He feels if he doesn't, they will be mad at him. He told me with the homeless guy "If I am not comfortable with his requests, I won't give him rides anymore." But I don't believe him. I believe he will run himself dry for the benefit of someone else, whether that someone else even appreciates it or not.. THEN he finds these people that find it appropriate to keep going to him if he did them a favor just ONE time. Tell them they can have a cookie and, next thing you know, the whole damn bag is gone. 

He is very good to me. When he tells me he'll take care of it (confronting someone) I just never believe him though. I told him to tell the guy that called "Tell him to lose your number and never call you again. Tell him that is unacceptable and inappropriate." He just told him "uh, yeah, i don't have drugs and i don't know where to get them." I guess this guy was just going down the list of phone numbers because he got paid. When I told my fiance I was going to rat that guy out and tell the boss lady what the guy was doing, my fiance got upset and told me not to. I think he was worried about that guy finding out it was him or someone associated with him that told. He said "let me take care of it". Pffft.

I've tried talking to him about it. I haven't turned the tables on the situation yet but it just seems that it makes him so mad when I even bring up one single red flag I see. My predictions are usually right, too.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So why are you marrying him?


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

richie33 said:


> So why are you marrying him?


He has bad judgement when it comes to doing favors for other people. And you ask why I would marry him? Is that something that's on your "eff no" list of qualities when it comes to marriage?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When someone states their future husband has made tons and tons of bad decisions over the course of a relationship, it makes sense to question why would want to marry that person. Some people are too good natured for their own good.....but I am sure it's also one of the reasons why you have stuck by him for so long.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

richie33 said:


> When someone states their future husband has made tons and tons of bad decisions over the course of a relationship, it makes sense to question why would want to marry that person. Some people are too good natured for their own good.....but I am sure it's also one of the reasons why you have stuck by him for so long.


You know, I'm sure he could say the same about me. I've made tons and tons of bad decisions as well. I have been turned into a hardened shell, I guess, when it comes to helping people out. I work at a restaurant and I have seen so many homeless people. At first, I try and help them: buy them a meal or let them come in from the cold. Next thing I know, they're coming in damn near every day. One guy falls asleep in the bathroom so my customers can't use it. Drugs are being done in the bathroom. Guess who gets the rap for letting them come in and trying to be nice? me. I loan one lady $15 because she had some sob story about her nieces birthday and she wanted to buy a cd and she was friends with another waitress and she promised she would come back and pay that money back. Never saw her again. I've got stories too and now, as a mother, I hardly ever believe anybody anymore. I'm always suspicious and always watching out for my family. So, when I see my fiance using our gas money and his sleep time to do someone a favor who can't even give him gas money, that pisses me off.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're getting a vision of what your future holds. It's up to you to decide what you're going to do about it. It's one thing to be nice, but quite another to be the mat under the doormat. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Talk to him as how this affects you. If he is leaving at 3 in the morning I assume he is going to bed earlier....by doing that he is taking away time that could be spent with you and his child. Leave it at that. He might be hearing you telling him he is being taken advantage of, which he obviously is but thats his nature. Appeal to his nature of loving you and his child more.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

I will definitely try that


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Escaflowne said:


> He has bad judgement when it comes to doing favors for other people. And you ask why I would marry him? Is that something that's on your "eff no" list of qualities when it comes to marriage?


The bad judgement and doing favors for other people isn't the real problem.

THIS is the real problem:



Escaflowne said:


> Of course when I say anything, we fight. I can't say anything! I can't do anything!




There's no communication or compromise.

It's not going to get better after you get married.

In fact it's probably going to get worse. A LOT worse.

And this might be something too:



Escaflowne said:


> The other night at 11:30, some a hole called him looking for drugs. WTF? That's not what that list is for? Why does he think you have drugs!?


Maybe it's not just some guy randomly calling other guys from the workplace looking for drugs.

Maybe your Fiance is SELLING drugs.

Maybe the reason it takes him so long to get to and from work has nothing to do with giving some poor guy a ride.



Escaflowne said:


> He's going to get himself into trouble and I feel helpless.


You ARE helpless because he won't listen to you. When you get married, his troubles are your troubles too. 

Save yourself. 

At least tell him there's no wedding until this problem is resolved. Maybe then he'll listen to you.


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

lenzi said:


> The bad judgement and doing favors for other people isn't the real problem.
> 
> THIS is the real problem:
> 
> ...


We could throw all of these "maybe's" around. Sure. But MAYBE I trust my fiance because he doesn't lie and doesn't sneak around. I look on these threads and it makes me sad. I am so very grateful I have the man I have. He is trustworthy and honest and open. He might be a little hard headed at times and he might give his last shirt to the first guy asking for it, but he doesn't lie to me. 

No, I don't feel like I can say anything about his dumb choices when it comes to helping other people. I don't expect him to be as stone cold as I am about it. I had friends from jr high spot me "heeeey, it's been forever!" Next thing I knew, I was an official atm and taxi driver. Maybe I just had bad luck when it came to helping out, but I don't really help out anymore. Now is it fair to expect him to act the same way because he's had bad experiences? Maybe not. I know the feeling of not wanting to be "the bad guy" or not wanting others to be mad at me. I think maybe I should put it in a nutshell: My fiance's constant need of approval is making me feel like he's putting other people in front of his family. I feel like he wants people to like him so much, that he doesn't care if it upsets me. That's my problem. He's not doing drugs or selling drugs or buying drugs. I wish I didn't write that -_-


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You missed the whole point.

It doesn't MATTER whether he's selling drugs or helping the first guy with his last shirt.

Well, of course it matters but that's not the biggest problem.

I'll say it one more time.

_Your own words on this thread: "Of course when I say anything, we fight. I can't say anything! I can't do anything!"_

When you try to discuss these things with him it ends in a fight. He won't listen to you and he won't change his ways.

These types of communication problems will ultimately destroy a relationship. There's no way around it, there are no exceptions.

Either fix them now or give up on the whole getting married idea before you get yourself stuck much deeper and maybe have a few kids in the middle of all of this.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Look into buying the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both of you should read it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The problem really boils down to something you have already mentioned...and this is the fear of confrontation. And also as you have said...it is about not wanting to make people angry. It is a hard lesson to learn as nice people with naivete often DO want to help people when they are in need. What throws them off guard are people who get pretty brazen about asking for more and more favors. It's really off putting, but then you start to feel like a conflict is ready to boil especially when you see that you have a car and some people don't...and your husband feels guilted into not saying anything to a man down on his luck. There is nothing wrong with helping people, BUT you husband has now become this gentleman's relied-upon source of transportation! He knows it, but probably feels trapped to do it, 'cos he doesn't know how to set boundaries.

I lived fairly close to a guy who I worked with that had no car. He asked if he could get rides on shifts that we worked at the same time. I liked to get to work early, cos' I HATE being late and the am shift is usually so crazy I needed to spend at least 15 minutes to go over objectives in order to get a gameplan going, but this guy did not have that same ethic. I told him I leave at 5:30, but he showed up a couple times later than I wanted...and even wanted to haggle over what time we leave...but never thought about paying me gas $$...let's just say it didn't work out. I started leaving when I wanted whether he was there or not...let's also just say he stopped asking for rides. No it didn't gel any long-lasting friendship between us, but really, I wasn't interested in making friends with people who beg and borrow, but disappear on paydays or never think to give you money for your time and gas.

I love helping people, I love going the extra mile for them...but when they misconstrue your wanting to help others for being a free taxi is odd...but there are a lot of people out there that do that. No boundaries...and usually jumps from one person to the next for help until they wear their welcome. It is nice that your husband wanted to help him, but he is struggling with saying no.

Your husband sounds like a very nice guy. I was one also in my early years and it is a hard lesson to learn how to set boundaries when you are someone who likes to think the best about others and are motivated strongly to help when others are in real need. But at the same time, there are some basic things that you can't charitably give away..and that is your basic financial budget. I would suggest you read up on some of Dave Ramsey's books on personal finance..it's simple and I think would help in making it very clear that when you have a budget...it doesn't allow for weeks without pay or extra funds spent on gas. Makes it easier to say no..."Going that extra hour drive is costing me way to much, so unless you start paying me such amount for each trip...I can't afford it." If you have all of your money figured on paper, you see right in front of your face how this guy is robbing you from your budget...'cos he can't be responsible enough to go out and buy a cheapo...and especially since it is required upon employment that an employee has access to transportation. NOT your husband's problem...sure it is nice to be charitable to help someone on their feet, but after a while it should be fairly evident when someone can have cable, booze, and pizza...but not try to get a car.

It sounds like you are frustrated, but go easy in him (to a certain degree). He is blowing up at you because confrontation is a major fear, like being asked to speak in public or heights...and I think even though he knows you are right, he can't think of a way out of this without some sort of negative confrontation. His intention is far from not protecting his family, BUT his fear of confrontation IS affecting his family and as well as your trust...and THAT IS A PROBLEM...and ought to be addressed. He needs to know how to get the tools to do it. This is a GREAT book that I learned a lot from: The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight

People who are afraid of conflict are people are A. Avoid it altogether, or B. Blow up and scare people away from approaching you again. Your husband just needs to learn the skill of staying in his rational mind and calmly speaking what it right for himself and his family. BOUNDARIES is another good book. If he grew up in a family that had an alcoholic or a real dominating father...then this is a typical role of a guy who doesn't ever want to be harsh with his family, but also has learned to stifle his own concerns or discomforts...quickly minimizing them.

You are doing good by confronting him...as you shouldn't let him get away with it. But I know you hate the arguments..which is why when you talk to him, show him how much on HIS SIDE you are...that you love him and appreciate his hard work, but the unnecessary late hours is hurting you and the time with kids and is wreaking havoc on the budget. Tell him how it makes you FEEL and tell him calmly...so he can empathize, since it sounds like he is truly someone who wants you to be happy..but yet support him that you know that confrontation is very hard, but ask him calmly what is more important, what you co-workers think about you, or stability and time with your family? 

Hell, I know this sounds childish, but at the times when he does confront someone OR SETS A BOUNDARY, let him know how much that turns you on when he looks out for his family first, then give him a rogering that he will never forget. 

He needs to learn that confrontation and setting boundaries is HEALTHY!! And if you choose to avoid nagging him...and actually positively reward him...this may reinforce the new idea that confrontation is good. Read that book together, since you claim you struggle with conflict as well...make it a family growth time...and also read Boundaries. This is going to change your whole family dynamic!!!

Sorry this is so lone, but when I'm famous, you'll cherish it  Good luck!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

IT seems to me that the number one article that gets recycled in women's magazines is "how to say "no" and mean it" or something like that.

Perhaps one way to get him to say no to others is to leave him hanging. In the case with his uncle, don't give him any money. 

In other situations as befitting, don't wait for him; don't accommodate him. 

My exH was like that....... with a few choice friends "I couldn't say no" even when it adversely impacted me or us. I wish I had stopped "tawking" about it -- you will only come across and mean and selfish, not caring about those few chosen people --and simply allowed him to hang himself out to dry.


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