# Heartbroken and feel like I'm in hell.....



## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Hi everyone
After 3 years of separation I still feel incredibly heartbroken and some days I feel like I am in a state of shock and disbelief at the things that happened. I feel deep hurt and pain and have extensive bouts of anxiety and periods of waking very early in the morning and I cant go back to sleep.
I coped by taking up sport and practicing self care and really took care of myself - even though I was in the throes of deep depression brought on by my husband walking out on me without a word of communication. I came home from work to a note in our kitchen that he'd left me and that it 'was for the best'........ 
I was devastated and still am - I tried to keep communication open for more than a year after he left and there was a period where we were working towards reconciling and he was going to move home.
I did a lot of work in therapy and some difficult reality checks, realising my husband was abusive, and he had very frightening anger issues, that he continued to use against me along with his intimidating and bullying behaviour. I had to make a very difficult decision to go to court and get a safety order to keep him away from the house as his behaviour was escalating and I was terrified to go outside for fear of being the brunt of another of his crazed emotional outbursts. 
I really love this man and I care deeply about him, since we've been separated I've been able to see things more clearly and understand the whys of his behaviour and the issues he has. I hoped we'd have a better relationship that the none that we have. 
I thought that since he was so adamant about leaving me and never coming home again that he'd have been rushing to sort out the divorce and our property. But there's not a sound from him - nothing - nada. This makes me so angry as he's literally dumped the lot on me and he doesn't engage with my legal team. He just acts like I don't exist and he's not dealing with things at all. I didn't want this separation - and I didn't push things as I feel divorce is the most brutal act and really doesn't sort out the issues. His running away hasn't helped me at all and I really miss him and wanted to support him.
I don't know why I writing this because it looks like a mumble jumble and my thoughts are a bit of a mess. I feel like a bit of a mess at times and I know my mental health is still fragile....
thanks for reading
Nora


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maybe he didn't want to abuse you anymore. Maybe he felt he could not change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Nora,

First, let me preface by saying I left an abusive marriage, and I still care for my exH deeply (we have a child together too). 

Here is the thing though -- You CANNOT help him. You continuing to hang on to him, the desire to R, etc. will not help him put a stop to his abusive ways. I know that you are sad and scared, but remember that you cannot move forward if you are still living in the past. 

If you have not looked into group counseling, the YWCA in your area would be a good place to start. I attended a 16-wk group course in my area, and it was by far the best thing I did for myself to move on and begin to heal. Many states also have victim's assistance available, which can pay for IC. Since you have the order, I would think that you would probably qualify. 

I know that his indifference towards the divorce is confusing, but try to look at it as him continuing to control you. It is up to you to take your life back and find someone worthy of your obviously good heart... Refuse to enable his bad behavior further by taking the reigns... and let him go.


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

tthanksss Bandit and Pepper
He used to deny he was abusive - it took me a while to realise that he was - extensive periods of the silent treatment - such a cruel way to behave to discount your wife and ignore her. 
I like your suggestion Pepper for the group work - I'll definitely look in to that as I know I need help still. I've spent a small fortune on therapists who kept me alive as I was terribly traumatised.
I agree he continues to control me by not dealing with things, or taking responsibility for his actions. I wanted to see his good side always and try to understand what might have led him to behave in those dreadful ways - I still don't have any answers except that I feel he has deep emotional problems that i couldn't help him with. He shifted the blame to my daughter and used her as his scapegoat for his issues; sibling rivalry issues which developed in his own family. 
Sadly, his mother died just last week; I couldn't face going to the funeral and seeing him and the family I miss. 
I guess I should wait a couple of months before trying to move things forward with my lawyer again due to her death and his grief - or not?
thank you everyone 
Nora


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I would not hold off personally... YOUR healing is on your timeline, and it starts now. If he is nasty as a result, you can reply with something to the effect of, "I am sorry about your mother; I loved her deeply as well.... but this is something I need to do for myself and my own healing." And then don't engage after that. 

One thing that I have learned throughout my own experiences is that abusers cannot stand it when you cut them off - this is why his not dealing with the divorce is just another way of him stonewalling you. Just get it done. 

Group counseling (even more so for women) provides a camaraderie and sense of support that you can't get in IC - which I think is important if you are dealing with the effects of abuse. As sad as it is when you realize how common it also is, it is helpful to see that you are not alone. It also allows you to garner ideas and strength from others around you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet is that he has not filed for divorce because he does not care enough to do it. and he figures that some day you'll just have to do the work. It's a passive aggressive way to push all the work onto you.

Something for you to think about: Do you really love him.. I mean do you love that he is abusive, that he can walk out on you like he did? Because that's who he really is. A person is really the worst things they do. My bet is that what you really love is the person you want him to be. You love the potential... if only.

All of that .. who you want him to be, is still there because it comes from your desire. If you move on you have a chance of find thing the person who is already what you wanted your stbx to be.


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

I was very committed to my marriage and I loved my husband deeply; I'd never have left him. I would have preferred to go to counselling to figure things out together and to really listen and be there for each other. I know people say things like you said Elegirl, of course I don't like that he was abusive - but I wanted to understand his triggers and the reasons he behaved like that. I found his behaviour quite shocking at times and I find it hard to believe still. It's not that I love the potential, that was there for sure. We are all human with our problems and idiosyncrasies and imperfections - and seeing beyond that is the true person underneath, damaged and hurt by their past by no cause of their own. Reflecting it outwards being triggered by all that must be so painful for the person who is suffering so deeply - and that's how I see my ex husband. 
I don't think he knew what to do when I was having an emotional breakdown and I wasn't able to communicate it as I felt so helpless and in a crisis. He is a very selfish man who considers his own needs first, and his lacking compassion is a terrible failing in a person.
My guess is that he owes me quite a lot of money and thats the reason he hasn't filed the divorce, more of his passive aggressive behaviour.
I know I'm supposed to feel happy he's gone, and relieved I'm not stuck with him for the rest of my life. I feel so sad and wonder if there is something about me that made him the way he was - It's an awful feeling to hold the responsibility for his mis treatment of me and to wonder if there is something I could have done more....
:-( 
Nora


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Nora... Don't take this the wrong way, but you should visit a CODA meeting. 

Home - CoDA.org

YOU are not responsible, culpable, etc. for HIS actions. The same way that YOU can't make HIM change, love you, come back, YOU cannot make HIM abusive. 

You do not have an innate character flaw that forces anyone to be an arrogant, selfish a-hole. The onus of those traits lie solely on him. 

All that said, if you don't get your own personal issues sorted out, you are going to end up in the exact same place. Stop trying to fix him, and fix yourself first. 

I am not trying to be mean; I have been there... wondering what inherent fatal flaw would incite such maltreatment. Just as I have come to believe (what intuitively I always knew, as I am sure that you do as well) there is not a DANG thing in you that makes anyone behave crappy. They behave that way because it is easier than looking in the mirror and seeing the ugly reflection staring back at them. And until they are willing to do that, there is absolutely NO reason to stick around or concern yourself with them. He is broken, and he is trying to take you down with him. Don't let him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nora said:


> I was very committed to my marriage and I loved my husband deeply; I'd never have left him. I would have preferred to go to counselling to figure things out together and to really listen and be there for each other. I know people say things like you said Elegirl, of course I don't like that he was abusive - but I wanted to understand his triggers and the reasons he behaved like that. I found his behaviour quite shocking at times and I find it hard to believe still. It's not that I love the potential, that was there for sure. We are all human with our problems and idiosyncrasies and imperfections - and seeing beyond that is the true person underneath, damaged and hurt by their past by no cause of their own. Reflecting it outwards being triggered by all that must be so painful for the person who is suffering so deeply - and that's how I see my ex husband.
> 
> I don't think he knew what to do when I was having an emotional breakdown and I wasn't able to communicate it as I felt so helpless and in a crisis. He is a very selfish man who considers his own needs first, and his lacking compassion is a terrible failing in a person.
> 
> ...


There are two books that you benefit from reading:

"The Dance of Anger" 

"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks ladies for your replies. I have the Lundy Bancroft book, The Dance of Anger is one I haven't come across, thank you for that elegirl.
And for the coda link Pepper, really interesting - I bought a couple of Melanie Beatties books in the search for understanding my own issues and I know I have some codependent traits. But I would never treat another human being the way my husband treated me, it's beyond understanding.
Though I'm stuck with the memories and the hurt and I find myself thinking about him way too much, it's like reliving things all over again, and the disbelief of the appalling behaviours that I tolerated because he expressed them, and I didn't know how to respond. I was afraid of his angry outbursts and unreasonable demands and found myself in a lonely place with a man who seemed to have little interest in me or our marriage.
It saddens me to see him doing things with others that he refused to do with me, like going on holidays, or outings in the evenings sharing activities. I don't know why he married me when he showed such little interest. I've been in touch with my priest and have made quite a lot of progress in seeking a church annulment. I'm finding the 'journey' of everything really tough and my soul feels full of conflict.
I know my ex husband is broken, there is no way his behaviour was normal, and I'll never understand why he used me as his emotional punchbag. Having the safety order has been a blessing, and it gave me a sense of having some sort of control over my own decisions about him. 
I've stopped talking about him with my mother as she makes unhelpful comments like 'oh I think that's a male response/reaction' or, 'I saw *Pat* out looking perfectly happy' it makes me want to cry. Not to mention the grief that comes unexpectedly in waves of sorrow......
Ggggrrr


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

I just wanted to say that I can feel your pain coming through each and every post and I am in the same boat. There are not enough adjectives to describe it really. 

I keep looking for the magic wand to wave it all away and feel better but sadly, it doesn't exist. I'm trying to think of ways to get past this. Take care of yourself, seek counseling, excercise, keep busy all help but I'm needing something more. I'm currently making myself a list of why I shouldn't be with my husband anymore and all of his character flaws. You can minimize them when you're together because we all have them and no one is perfect. But when you're trying to get past this pain, I find it necessary to focus on the negatives. Really, do I want to be with a man that says he feels no guilt for walking away from his family in order to date younger women?. That's narcissistic personality disorder at it's finest. Maybe that would work for you. Make a list of all the things that will be better without him. What can you do now that you couldn't do while married to him? I'll try to take my own advice too!


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Stressedandsad I'm sorry to hear you are suffering and that you've been left like that. I'm doing all the right things to help myself, like you mentioned, including the journal I made of all the hideous things he did, and printouts of NPD traits and I could tick all the boxes for him.
Did it make me feel better? Not in the least. 
It just made me feel like a judgemental bit*h who was intolerant of my ex's personality traits. So I stopped looking for the negatives. He just is, like any of us. And a damaged person who brought suffering into our marriage because of his issues that were triggered by my relationship with my daughter. 
There's not a single thing I could have done to take his pain away, bar, making my daughter disappear. 
So instead, he ran away, instead of facing together the reality of how his issues were causing an incredible rift between us. The hostility he created, the silent treatments, the anger, the list is long.
But I wanted to help him fight his demons, not to abandon me and start having an affair. There's been no discussion on any level about anything.
It's miserable and I wouldn't wish the trauma on anyone.
Best wishes
Nora


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