# Sexless marriage



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

I am 54 and need some advice, been married 32 years and a couple of years ago she just quit having sex. She claims to have vaginal problems and I have a penile issue but I try just to hold her nude and she will not have anything to do with me. She treats me like her parents treat each other which is sarcastic, acerbic, mean. We live like roommates. We had it out a few weeks ago and I told her I didn’t want to live like this I want to be happy. She has been talking to me like this for years. I am not perfect I will admit but do not fight back when I was a kid I was beaten if I talked back to anyone by my parents. So I back off. We have two children in grad school so kids are not an issue. I want a wife and lover, which doesn’t always mean intercourse, but would like someone who would care for me. Ideas? Thanks


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What did she say when you told her that you didn't want to live like this any more?
have you both tried some marriage counselling?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Are you unhealthy?

Get to the dr and see why you have ed!

Then decission time.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, please tell us what you have tried.

We need to know what you have clearly expressed to her, and what her replies were. 
Also how she acts. 

What changed right before she stopped having sex? 
What has she done to address her medical issue? 
What have you done to address yours? 
Have her habits changed? 
Is she on her phone or tablet a lot and secretive with it? 
Did she lose weight? Start dressing sexier? Any of those type of things?
How about you, are you in shape or have you gained weight etc?

Fill us in on the details and then we can better guide you. Welcome to TAM.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

As you know, you won't be beaten by anyone. You can keep the conversation calm and rational so that it doesn't even bring back those fears of abuse. It sounds like she has some deep-rooted resentment for you. Tell her if it's reached that point, it might be time to consider divorce.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am of the firm belief that when sex goes stone cold dead in a relationship that the posibillity the Refuser is engaging in an affair should always discreetly be examined.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Have you received any counseling for your childhood abuse? It can be life-changing. 

It sounds like she's repeating a pattern....but are you, too? You cannot control her/others....but you can learn to control yourself/habits/life. 

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you that way? No brainer for me why it ain't happening.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Been there done that and by changing yslf for the better while learn what part of the problem I owned, I was able to make my wife of nearly 40 yearrs start to feel loved and cherished again.

Of course I had to realize I wasn't the victim of a frigid ice queen, but we had both pushed each other away emotionally until the sex stopped. Of course when I apologized and started treating her better the sex ddn't start. I took a great sex therapist marriage counselor and lots of hard work on self change by both my wife and me. But the marriage was saved.

I recommend a few relationship books for the OP to read and do some introspection about. MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage; Glover's, No More Mr Nice Guy; and Chapman's, the 5 Languages of Love.

Good Luck. Not every sex starved marriage can be fixed. But if you fix yourself and understand what you did wrong you will at least have a better shot at happiness in your next relationship after divorce.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Recently had neck surgery and ed problems went away. 6 years ago had lower back surgery and had problems then but she worked through it. I told her I wanted to go to counseling but she is now being nice and kind, although still like roommates. I know I’m may not be handsome or a great lover but I know that someone might want me. I’m nice funny and have a good job. I’m married and lonely. In the past I would just shut up and deal with it. But I don’t think even I deserve to be lonely.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> Recently had neck surgery and ed problems went away. 6 years ago had lower back surgery and had problems then but she worked through it. I told her I wanted to go to counseling but she is now being nice and kind, although still like roommates. I know I’m may not be handsome or a great lover but I know that someone might want me. I’m nice funny and have a good job. I’m married and lonely. In the past I would just shut up and deal with it. But I don’t think even I deserve to be lonely.


Some of the loneliest times in my life occurred during marriage....so I understand. 
BTW, low self esteem is a poor decision maker. No you don't deserve to be lonely.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife was very similar to yours and I was similar to you. I went to individual counseling and my counselor immediately recognized that I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't need to be a jerk about it but I had the right to express myself without being put down for it, which is exactly what my wife would do. And because of this, I just shut up.

Look up the book "Your Perfect Right" to help you be more assertive but understand something. You've trained your wife to allow her to be rude to you and it will take some time for you to untrain her. But start with the book. It's in its 10th edition ao you may be able to find earlier free pdf versions on the internet.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I feel like this should be my signature.. but go read "no more mr. nice guy" and "hold on to your nuts"

They will provide you great insight and are short reads. Both will help you in your current predicament.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> I feel like this should be my signature.. but go read "no more mr. nice guy" and "hold on to your nuts"
> 
> They will provide you great insight and are short reads. Both will help you in your current predicament.


And also get Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life" material. 

Glover material and the 'Hold on to Your Nuts" will address assertiveness vs passivity and 'covert contracts' and such. 

The MMSL material will also the traits, characteristics and behaviors that women find sexually attractive (ie a good job, pleasant personality and doing housework are NOT in an of themselves sexy or stimulating traits. You need to learn what is and what is not sexually desirable)


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