# When people care or worry



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How do you deal with it, what do you feel? Do you feel repulsed? Annoyed? Insulted? Shackled?

I feel all of the latter. I want to know how do normal people deal with it.

How do you accept gifts, kindness? Do you feel threatened? Manipulated? Insulted once again?

Throughout my life especially in later years I've learnt to try to accept that people worry when they care. So I no longer get annoyed (at least in front of them), but the more they care the more I want to disappear.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

It makes me uncomfortable. Not repulsed, annoyed, angry, or any of the things you experience, though. 

I had a pretty brutal childhood, where comfort, care, and kindness were rare, so now when people are kind or caring toward me, I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m grateful people care, but ultimately it just makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable and I kinda look around awkwardly and wait for it to pass. I _always _pull away from hugs first, too.

Which is funny (not haha!), cuz having someone care for me and be kind and protect me are what I long for the most.

Somewhere in this beautiful mess I call a life is a Twilight Zone twist or Aesop’s Fable moral I fail to see or learn. 

Lol I’m so ****ed up! Hopefully some healthy, well-adjusted folks will chime in soon for you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> It makes me uncomfortable. Not repulsed, annoyed, angry, or any of the things you experience, though.
> 
> I had a pretty brutal childhood, where comfort, care, and kindness were rare, so now when people are kind or caring toward me, I don’t know what to do with it.
> 
> ...


Heh yeah forgot about uncomfortable, I dunno if people like us can ever get over that. Like, I manage it but... eek


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel loved when people show concern and care for me, I think it's lovely 

But I had a wonderful childhood with wonderful parents, so my experience is very different to yours.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As I found out when I divorced people just see me in a certain way. Strong and reliable. So seeing me hurt or weak throws them for a loop and they don’t know how to react. As a result when kindness is thrown to me I don’t know how to take it. I find it difficult to relate and maintain relationships because of it. Honestly I think in an effort to keep others comfortable I fake many human interactions. I have to be in love or have a very deep trust in someone to let my guard down.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> As I found out when I divorced people just see me in a certain way. Strong and reliable. So seeing me hurt or weak throws them for a loop and they don’t know how to react. As a result when kindness is thrown to me I don’t know how to take it. * I find it difficult to relate and maintain relationships because of it.* Honestly I think in an effort to keep others comfortable I fake many human interactions. I have to be in love or have a very deep trust in someone to let my guard down.


That's what I'm worried about, it's a consistent bloody problem with me in ALL my relationships. I don't know a solution.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> That's what I'm worried about, it's a consistent bloody problem with me in ALL my relationships. I don't know a solution.


Therapy to learn another way or just deal with it and keep quiet about it. 


I chose the latter


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> Therapy to learn another way or just deal with it and keep quiet about it.
> 
> 
> I chose the latter


Therapy can help but many times it can be a joke, in the end we all to have find our own solutions. Therapy just tries to help us get here.

So far all I have done is manage it, it does takes constant effort, but I can never shake the cringey feelings when people care or worry or whatever. Meh. Guess that's all we can do.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

My childhood was maybe similar to "Curse of Millhaven" in some ways. I learned to look out and take care of myself mostly with the help of a few relatives. I felt I had to earn everything and in effect I still fell I have to earn everything and if I don't earn everything, I owe the other person/people something I might or might not be able to give back. If I could give back I wonder if it is something they want or could use. To me other people have certain wants or needs and I don't know what those needs or wants are. The miss-match in any exchange seems troubling to me at best. I know people appreciate what they work for at a higher level than most things given to them so giving isn't something I am comfortable with unless it is something they really need.

One of my older sisters tried to buy me lunch and I said no, I would rather pay my own way. She explained why she wanted to buy me lunch and how it hurt her sense of being valuable or the good feeling she got by giving to someone. I knew she had less money than I did but her message sunk in so I went with her wishes. We were on a long car trip in my car and buying me lunch was her way of contributing something towards the trip.

I have friends that absolutely will not allow anyone else to pay for his meal. I think some people are wired that way. This same friend can't sleep well if he buys something on credit so he pays cash for the new cars he buys. I do the same thing only with used cars. For us two guys, any debt is sort of like someone else owns a part of us.

About other people worrying about me, that sort of falls in with what I wrote above. I have sense that I need to do things so I don't need others to worry about me. Often times I think I should have seen this thing coming and planned to avoid a bad situation and if I didn't plan to avoid the situation its on me to work it out. I think I need to be aware enough to avoid anyone worrying about me. I know a few people say they worry about me sometimes but I think the situation calls for actions or skills they are too chicken to muster up the strength to get the job done. I don't take risks per-say but i work harder at most things than others see reasonable.

I know I have a difficult time having a carefree life because I have had a few serious setbacks medically and financially. Now I am even more self reliant by saving for those setbacks when others around me buy toys or are just having fun and putting the charges on their credit card. Now my problem is trying not to worry about some people I am involved with as I watch them live from paycheck to paycheck. I have to mentally detach sometimes.

Sometimes life gives up lemons and a person should learn it takes water and sugar to make lemon-aid out of those lemons.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, for me, it's easier to care and worry about others than to have others care and worry about me. I know exactly what you mean. 

Is it truly bad? Do we need to fix it? Or is this just going to be a perk of our personality for the rest of our lives?

Like, I'm happy the way I am. Annoyed at others sure but I tell myself they worry because they care and have no ill intentions.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I appreciate consideration, care and kindness. Protectiveness has its place too.

If there was unnecessary worry/anxiety, I'd lose respect for the person and wouldn't consider it flattering.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Maybe different people worry about different things so what I see and worry about is different than what they try to give to me by showing me concern or what they think is caring.


Sort of like me thinking they should have bought a Ford when they think I should have bought a Chevrolet. I don't like gift giving because I think people are happier with what THEY pick out. I know the intentions of other people are good but most of what was given to me gift wise, I don't really like. OK, I am not particular in most aspects of my life, but gifts do not do anything for me.. I got a gift card for a fancy restaurant once. I enjoyed a gift card from a fast food place much more because the fast food place was more practical.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know the feeling all too well! 

The XW, my boys bipolar mom, seems to be caring about the boys and I ~ up to a point, that is! At least she says that she cares!

If any kind of problem ever presents itself, more especially to our now grown, college-degreed sons, like not being schooled properly to her expectations, temporary bouts of unemployment, not "friending her" on FB, et.al., she just literally seems to go "ape-schitt!"

She'll call them or me, going off on cursing, verbal tirades to the point that they can't share disparaging news with her at all. 

In fact, my oldest called her telling her that he was going to be in Houston to officiate a football game and he wanted to crash afterward at the house and was told "No!" This was chiefly because she micromanaged in telling him to take any job he could find when he's trying to excel in an advanced nursing curriculum. Or the other is volunteering in the Methodist Church in its lay ministry!

It's no small wonder why neither wants to talk to her when they see her name pop up on caller ID. Neither of them, or even I, are game for constant a$$-chewings!

I don't really think that anyone needs that kind of "care!"
*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I do not like being the center of attention or fussed over, it makes me very uncomfortable. I am also incredibly resourceful and independent so know I can accomplish or work thru any challenge I encounter. 

People like us develop a "oneness", our emotional strength is something we manufacture from the inside out and it metaphorically becomes our force. Our personal history has taught us that our emotional strength is an exhaustible resource so we keep our internal banks full all the time, and the engine needed to manufacture that force is always on the ready. When others try to offer emotional support we hear their words and appreciate their feelings but we have no ability to absorb their emotional force because our force is always radiating outward blocking everything. Kind of the same as the old introvert/extrovert argument, introverts draw their energy from an internal source and extroverts draw their energy externally.

RD I also understand why you used the word "annoyed". When someone starts fussing over me it becomes a distraction. Part of my problem solving technique is a circular thought process, mentally I go thru varying scenarios hundreds and hundreds of times working my way thru. I can deal with someone saying "hey, if you need anything let me know", but if someone becomes persistent and keeps pushing it truly becomes a distraction for me and I feel annoyed, yet I know they mean well.

Conversely I am one of the most generous and supportive people you could ever know. I absolutely love helping others achieve goals and overcome obstacles.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Discomfort, sometimes repulsion, but mostly distrust and sometimes a sense of betrayal. I had a really rough childhood, though, so I'm fairly certain most of my response comes from that. I learned very early on in life that no one but you will truly look out for you and that when things are rough, people often don't know what to do so they either run, downplay it, or try to sympathize without actually having any context to do so. I just became used to dealing with things on my own and having people show recognition of my pain or surviving something (usually after the fact) comes across to me as, "well, now that the danger has passed and I don't really need to offer or risk anything of myself, here is some sympathy. Don't spend it all in one place." It's taken a very long time for me to learn to just accept people's outward kindness with a smile and thank-you and know that I can't bother them with anything of real substance because more than likely they wouldn't be able to handle it if I did. And that's not any sign of weakness on their part, just simply that they can't know where it is I'm coming from and so they're working with a completely different toolbox than I need in those moments. 

I definitely do appreciate the sentiments because it's not fair for me to disregard genuine kindness, but I do see it ultimately as pointless because the people reaching out aren't actually reaching out to help. It's like when people hear that someone might be suicidal and they say, "I'm here if you need any help," when in reality the person does need their help and more than likely won't be able to reach out to grasp someone's hands. People like to pretend they can help because it is like checking off the attempt as successful, but very few people like to actually dive into the pit with another to help them get out of it. Those who do are incredible in my opinion (and often got there because of surviving something themselves), but they are few and far between.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Aww, I identify with so many in this thread. Group *hug* for my TAM-ily! (that I awkwardly pull away from first! Lol!)

I too have a difficult time with “normal” social interactions and since I can’t be like Dracula and burst into thousands of bats to escape them, I just try to approximate “human” as much as I can when dealing with others. It’s exhausting and ultimately just makes me feel more alone and aberrant.

I also have a very difficult time trusting, letting others in, or believing they truly care. Even my longtime friends have complained about how hard it was to get to know me and how guarded I am. (Thank God they didn’t give up on me and broke through my walls; <3 my “chosen family”!)

And like many here, even though I don't know how to handle when people care or worry about me, I am fiercely protective of those I love, generous to a fault, and am their emotional “first responder”- whenever they need me, I’m there. 

I’m their heart and do whatever I can to keep them going; they know this and rely on me for strength and support. 

Once I love and care for someone, I will until the day I die and will do whatever I can for them.

Someone I used to know once said I was like “The Giving Tree” (children’s book by Shel Silverstein), which is a story about a tree who sacrifices everything she is for the boy she loves until all that is left of her is a stump. The boy as an old man visits her one last time after he has taken all that she has, and then uses her one last time as a place to sit and rest. 

I don’t think being called, The Giving Tree, was necessarily a compliment. Haha!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Discomfort, sometimes repulsion, but mostly distrust and sometimes a sense of betrayal. I had a really rough childhood, though, so I'm fairly certain most of my response comes from that. I learned very early on in life that no one but you will truly look out for you and that when things are rough, people often don't know what to do so they either run, downplay it, or try to sympathize without actually having any context to do so. I just became used to dealing with things on my own and having people show recognition of my pain or surviving something (usually after the fact) comes across to me as, "well, now that the danger has passed and I don't really need to offer or risk anything of myself, here is some sympathy. Don't spend it all in one place." It's taken a very long time for me to learn to just accept people's outward kindness with a smile and thank-you and know that I can't bother them with anything of real substance because more than likely they wouldn't be able to handle it if I did. And that's not any sign of weakness on their part, just simply that they can't know where it is I'm coming from and so they're working with a completely different toolbox than I need in those moments.
> 
> I definitely do appreciate the sentiments because it's not fair for me to disregard genuine kindness, but I do see it ultimately as pointless because the people reaching out aren't actually reaching out to help. It's like when people hear that someone might be suicidal and they say, "I'm here if you need any help," when in reality the person does need their help and more than likely won't be able to reach out to grasp someone's hands. People like to pretend they can help because it is like checking off the attempt as successful, but very few people like to actually dive into the pit with another to help them get out of it. Those who do are incredible in my opinion (and often got there because of surviving something themselves), but they are few and far between.


I agree with all you said !

When people show care to me , LOL , I will think that they want something from me . They pretend to care . 

Actually , when I am really down , they offered the cliche ' u got my number , call me if you need anything " , but they dont really want to hear from u . I am not being skeptical , but a few friends vanished that way .

When you are back on the climb , you get friends again and then you wonder if these friends will be around when you are down . So why do you spend quality time with them ? Wasting time .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I think people are so fake . The last person who had genuine care was my college bf whom I broke off with . The current people who genuinely care are my boys .


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, for me, it's easier to care and worry about others than to have others care and worry about me. I know exactly what you mean.
> 
> Is it truly bad? Do we need to fix it? Or is this just going to be a perk of our personality for the rest of our lives?
> 
> Like, I'm happy the way I am. Annoyed at others sure but I tell myself they worry because they care and have no ill intentions.


I've accepted that it is a quirk in my personality, and I just try to provide for myself. I had someone tell me in college that I had never learned to parent myself (provide soothing, find comfort, manage emotions) and I know it is because my parents never parented me in any kind of affectionate, vulnerable way. I often came home at night from school and had to clean house and cook dinner because my parents were working. 

A lot of the things that have been said in this thread are a comfort to me, though, because I know I'm not alone and I also realize that other people struggle with this challenge. I think for me the problem is, I really truly believed my ex loved me, cared about me, and sometimes worried about me, until he got sick and cared only about himself. He was probably the person I let in. If I'd grown up around my grandfather who "got" me and doted on me, but was half a world away, I think I might have had a better role model and a guide. But as it stands, I often am suspicious of other peoples' concern or care and often interpret as something transactional - like a ledger or a spreadsheet, and I'm always concerned that I'm keeping my column up to date. 

I know how weird that sounds, but there's no point not acknowledging it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It depends on what they are worried about. If they are worried about something I know is not a problem in my life, I (figuratively) pat them on the head and just allow them to have their feelings without any more thought of my own about it. If they want to talk to me more about their worries, I tell them thanks but please let me handle it, your worrying about it doesn't help me. That usually ends any further discussion about the topic. 

If they are worried about something that is actually something I'm struggling with, then I allow them to support me as appropriate. Going through my divorce for example was incredibly difficult and my closest people held me tight (figuratively) during that time. They listened to me when I needed to talk and gave me space when I needed that. They checked in with me and showed they care, even though they could not ease my emotional pain immediately, over time it eased on its own and I felt the benefits of having had that support when things were difficult. 

Sometimes people have worried about me when they could see things that I couldn't see. Sometimes these things have turned out to be things I really needed to see, and in those cases I'm grateful that my people or person cared enough to show me what they were worried about. Easiest case in point is when you are dating someone who isn't a good fit for you and your friends can see it but you can't yet.

Because I'm a mom of adult kids, I've been schooled by them on when to back off from worrying about them. They both have set boundaries with me on when to stay out of their business. Because I'm an awesome mom and also because I honor their boundaries, they now tell me when there is something to worry about and ask my advice or just support when that happens. Now I don't worry about them at all....unless I can see something they can't see, like the example above. In those cases, I don't worry as much as I just try to communicate what I'm seeing. Sometimes your mom can say it in an even better way than your friends. They expect me to be forward with them and I have no allegiance to their date, only to them. So I can usually say what I mean without having to be rude, yet totally get my point across. A friend would have to be a little more nuanced to say it without sounding "mean" or whatever.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TeddieG said:


> I've accepted that it is a quirk in my personality, and I just try to provide for myself. I had someone tell me in college that I had never learned to parent myself (provide soothing, find comfort, manage emotions) and I know it is because my parents never parented me in any kind of affectionate, vulnerable way. I often came home at night from school and had to clean house and cook dinner because my parents were working.
> 
> A lot of the things that have been said in this thread are a comfort to me, though, because I know I'm not alone and I also realize that other people struggle with this challenge. I think for me the problem is, I really truly believed my ex loved me, cared about me, and sometimes worried about me, until he got sick and cared only about himself. He was probably the person I let in. If I'd grown up around my grandfather who "got" me and doted on me, but was half a world away, I think I might have had a better role model and a guide. But as it stands, I often am suspicious of other peoples' concern or care and often interpret as something transactional - like a ledger or a spreadsheet, and I'm always concerned that I'm keeping my column up to date.
> 
> I know how weird that sounds, but there's no point not acknowledging it.


Doesn't sound weird at all, in fact, how people can just accept all of care and worry and whatever I find weird!!!

But yeah, maybe it's just a perk, glad to know I'm not alone though in this.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I appreciate concern and all of what was mentioned from family and people I am close to; when I get it from people I’m not so close to, I find it a little awkward. For example, the higher ups try to create this “family” idea at work, but that doesn’t automatically mKe me close to them. Although I have never had a major issue, I see how they act when other people have issues, like sickness and such, and I wouldn’t care for the attention.


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