# How do you know for sure he's cheating?



## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

I have had my suspicions and previously come across a few things on his iphone and facebook. When I confronted him he closed his facebook account and put a password on his iphone. One of the things I saw before he did that was he was looking atthe craigslist personals women seeking men. Now I have no way to check his phone to see what is going on? Any suggestions or ideas?


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> I have had my suspicions and previously come across a few things on his iphone and facebook. When I confronted him he closed his facebook account and put a password on his iphone. One of the things I saw before he did that was he was looking atthe craigslist personals women seeking men. Now I have no way to check his phone to see what is going on? Any suggestions or ideas?


I had the same issues with my WW. If you have access to the cell phone bill and company you can see the texts and phone calls made to and from the phone(not what is actually written though). The number and duration is very telling. If he is calling or texting the same person enormous amounts and it ain't you or a known acquaintance, then odds are he's stepping out in one form or another.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

I do have access to the verizon bill for his iphone but I can't physically get into his phone. I haven't seen any odd numbers on the bill BUT it did show two vzwpix sent the same night a few minutes apart from two different numbers. They were sent TO him. I'm wondering if he is now posting on craiglist and wish I knew what those pics were of?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

check out this thread for ideas

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718

You could also try posting a question about the specific type of phone he has.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks I posted a reply, we'll see what happens. There's alot more that led up to all this but at the moment this is what I am dealing with.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> I do have access to the verizon bill for his iphone but I can't physically get into his phone. I haven't seen any odd numbers on the bill BUT it did show two vzwpix sent the same night a few minutes apart from two different numbers. They were sent TO him. I'm wondering if he is now posting on craiglist and wish I knew what those pics were of?


If you want to capture the texts and pictures you are going to need to install a program on the iphone. Unfortunately all the programs I have seen out there require you to jailbreak his phone for them to work. Another issue is that you would need the password of the phone to get in. You could return his phone to factory state to remove the password, but again that would require a lot of alone time with the phone and would be blatantly obvious. You would also again need to jailbreak the iphone to install the program. Otherwise maybe you will find something out there in the thread below, or something online that I'm unaware of. Good Luck.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

I guess I am pretty much screwed then. He could have email accounts, online accounts, whatever and if I can't access the phone I can't find anything is what it sounds like


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sit him down to night and have him hand you the phone and computer. Then ask for the password one by one. If he won't give them to or start to fidget/stall, you have your answer as to what is up. Problem is that he has had plenty of time to delete all the evidence. Although you have already gotten your answer. There is no reason why he would have put passwords on after you confronted, unless he is up to no good.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

I have done that and your right everything was deleted. He refuses to give me the password saying he needs some kind of privacy in his life. He even pretended to give me the password and it didn't work. Sure, I think I have my answer but I have no definite proof either.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you need proof, you can do other things such as a VAR, computer keylogger, etc that he doesn't know about, and then wait to see what happens. And in the meantime try to get his password for the phone somehow. You could even do something like set up a nanny cam overlooking places he likes to use his phone.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If he won't give you the password or let you see the phone that tells you everything you need to know.

He told you he "needs some privacy in his life"? What kind of BS statement is that? For what does he need privacy? What could he be doing that is so secret that you shouldn't know about? Asking your friends/family what gift you want for your birthday? Planning your surprise party? Cheating? Looking for women on craigslist?

Tell him he can either be completely transparent with you or he can get out. You get complete access to everything and he stops deleting things. Why bother putting up with stuff like that? *Why even play that game?* You already know what is going on. Give him a choice - his privacy or his marriage. Tell him privacy is for the bathroom, every thing else is secrecy. And he doesn't need his phone in the bathroom.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

c'mon, lol. of course he is. for fux sake, he password protected his phone from his own wife and deleted his facebook after you caught him window shopping for _strange_. this is just what you know for a _fact_.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

You have all the proof you really need. I know, I know... you want to catch him redhanded, but you showed your hand too soon. Rookie mistake, don't beat yourself up about it. Just kick his ass out and tell him to stay at a hotel where he can have all the privacy and space his selfish little heart desires until he agrees to complete transparecy. Easie peasie


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

No password, no wife! It sounds harsh but that is the only way to get where you need to be. Tell him that privacy is for stuff you do in the bathroom (excluding taking the phone with) ie pee, poop and monthly stuff.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

Even if I can get him to remove the password or give me the password he can still delete everything. I've told him that I just don't trust him anymore, I've called him a liar. He ends up twisting things around and making it my fault even though I know it's not. IE: I delete things because I know you will take them the wrong way. We've been together 23 years and I just can't believe this is happening. He makes it sounds Like I'm crazy! Truth is I am going crazy over all this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Find some inner strength, and divorce this man. Trying to get proof is going to just drive you crazy, and he is banking on that. As others have said, you already know he's up to no good. 

He's gaslighting you trying to make you think you're crazy, twisting things, and declaring the sudden need for privacy. Your husband is a coniving cheater, and I doubt there's a chance to reconcile with someone like that. 

It would have been a different story if he'd broken down upon confrontation and given you all the transparency you asked for, but this, to me, just proves he won't change his ways, as he feels entitled. In no way does he feel or demonstrate that he is wrong or made a terrible error in judgement.


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> I have done that and your right everything was deleted. He refuses to give me the password saying he needs some kind of privacy in his life. He even pretended to give me the password and it didn't work. Sure, I think I have my answer but I have no definite proof either.



I'm curious as to how much proof you need, do you need to walk in on him screwing another woman? So then what he'll say to you, "oops I fell and it landed in her" then what you'll say oh ya I can see that happening, accidents happen. Sorry to be so blunt but that is what you need is the truth, you are entittled to that. You know in your heart and in your head he's up to no good, him lying about passcodes is all the proof you need, unless you prefer denial cause it's easier to look the other way. Again sorry for being harsh, my truthfulness is often hard to swallow. Here's what you do, put a VAR in his car and wait. If he's messing around or talking to other girls he will be doing it in his car because he has privacy there. Also, go on criagslist and lure him with an ad and when he responds to it you will have your proof. It's not rocket science it's common sense which isn't very common anymore. Good luck, and I hope he truly isn't messing around on you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> I have done that and your right everything was deleted. *He refuses to give me the password saying he needs some kind of privacy in his life*. He even pretended to give me the password and it didn't work. Sure, I think I have my answer but I have no definite proof either.


Privacy is one thing. Secrecy is another. And really, no, he doesn't deserve privacy... not when he uses that time to CHEAT!



Falsehope said:


> Even if I can get him to remove the password or give me the password he can still delete everything. I've told him that I just don't trust him anymore, I've called him a liar. He ends up twisting things around and making it my fault even though I know it's not. *IE: I delete things because I know you will take them the wrong way.* We've been together 23 years and I just can't believe this is happening. He makes it sounds Like I'm crazy! Truth is I am going crazy over all this.


To which you reply that deleting them shows that they ARE inappropriate...validating my thought that you ARE CHEATING (or trying to cheat). If you have nothing to hide, then don't hide it. Let me see, now... without you going through everything first.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would strongly suspect he IS cheating. My husband and I do tell each other when passwords are changed. We do not hide anything from each other or delete history.

My ex h is a serial cheater. He cheated on me with several women before all this technology came about. I was able to get full proof. He denied it, then I served him with divorce papers. Once I served him the papers he said I set him up to cheat and it's all my fault. He remarried and still blamed me for his miserable life years later. 

He's definitely showing you the red flags.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

We USED to be that way. Then one day it was like he woke up and just changed. Bought a motorcycle and was out on rides every weekend. I thought it was his mid life crisis at first but now with all the secrecy my mind tends to go to the darkest places. Nothing ever gets resolved because it's deny deny deny or let's pretend everything is ok. AT one point I could have handled the truth but now I don't know if I would believe it even if I heard it.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

I guess the way I look at it isthat the phone is just the vehicle he is using. Even if I get rid of it the cause or reason he feels that he needs to do this is still going to be there. Then what? He finds a new way to go about it? I've tried to discuss all this with him only to be met with more denial. I had hoped for honesty.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

2asdf2 said:


> It is not the phone. It is the statement that you would be making that you do not tolerate this behavior.
> 
> You do it calmly, and once or twice more if you need to.
> 
> ...


Oh, that works wonders, as does backing over the device with the family car, or throwing it against a stone wall...this method is especially effective with company-owned devices, as then, usually once is sufficient to get the job done. Employers tend to frown upon employees who are so careless with their electronic devices...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

2asdf2 said:


> The bigger the impact on the WS, the more effective the method is.
> 
> .


I believe in 'go big or go home'. LOL. And I don't put up with any sh!t.


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Oh, that works wonders, as does backing over the device with the family car, or throwing it against a stone wall...this method is especially effective with company-owned devices, as then, usually once is sufficient to get the job done. Employers tend to frown upon employees who are so careless with their electronic devices...


Instead of worrying how they cheat maybe you should focus your energy to why they cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

jenny1981 said:


> Instead of worrying how they cheat maybe you should focus your energy to why they cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you kidding me? My husband hasn't cheated. He wouldn't DARE.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> The easy way to open a phone is with a hammer. After you open a couple of phones, then you can almost do it with your eyes closed.
> 
> I have not tried it with a phone, but I have done it with a couple of laptops. I believe the technique is about the same.
> 
> I believe that the more expensive the electronic device, the more effectively this method works.


I take exception to this. Using a hammer may leave the SIM card intact. Boiled cell phone is a marvelous dinner. If he feels the need to tap on things, he can retype his entire phone list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This boils down to a fundamental question of what kind of marriage you want for yourself.

Your H has checked out enough that you have been recast for him. You're no longer his confidante and close friend. Instead you're the person he has to guard against.

Personally, I would throw in the towel right now, because I wouldn't ever want that sort of marriage. Everyone is different, though. At the very least, you should get things clarified enough so that you can confront with some confidence. You have to really confront no matter what, right?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

jenny1981 said:


> Instead of worrying how they cheat maybe you should focus your energy to why they cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Blink blink. You girls always get over complicated. They cheat because it feels good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

JCD said:


> Blink blink. You girls always get over complicated. They cheat because it feels good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not all of us. Why waste time figuring out WHY, when you can just end it? Besides, if they're cheating, who wants them anyway?


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This boils down to a fundamental question of what kind of marriage you want for yourself.
> 
> Your H has checked out enough that you have been recast for him. You're no longer his confidante and close friend. Instead you're the person he has to guard against.
> 
> Personally, I would throw in the towel right now, because I wouldn't ever want that sort of marriage. Everyone is different, though. At the very least, you should get things clarified enough so that you can confront with some confidence. You have to really confront no matter what, right?


Okat that IS how I've been feeling. We used to have a pretty open and honest marriage. I used to feel like he was my friend. Your exactly right, he feels like he has to protect himself from me. I don't know how or why this changed. I don't know if he has physically cheated. I have so many questions but no hard proof of what is going on. This isn't the kind of marriage I want, can it be changed? I have no idea. Everything he is doing feels wrong to me. How do I confront without any real proof or feel like he is telling me truth?


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Not all of us. Why waste time figuring out WHY, when you can just end it? Besides, if they're cheating, who wants them anyway?


Ther are red flags but I don't 100% proof. We've been together 23 years I would at least like to know for sure before I call it quits.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> Ther are red flags but I don't 100% proof. We've been together 23 years I would at least like to know for sure before I call it quits.


There are lots of ways to try to be sure. You can act like nothing is going on as you dig for proof. You can confront forcefully and with confidence and be very honest: Say that you believe that something important has changed, that you believe this for the reasons you've outlined above, that you won't continue like this and you want the truth. 

If you try the latter, he can lie and/or gaslight, and then you'll be right back where you started. This would then argue for the first approach of investigating to get the hard proof. The people here are very good at helping you with that.

If it were me, I would approach it in the second way, but would probably throw in the towel no matter what the response.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

He can hide his phone. He can hide and delete his computer logs. He can't hide his body. If, based on the 23 years, you demand an extremely high level of proof, go to a very close friend and borrow a few thousand dollars. Your husband will watch YOUR money. Hire a PI or a hacker.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but do you really WANT an answer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Are you kidding me? My husband hasn't cheated. He wouldn't DARE.


Well my comment is for those who are involved in an affair situation.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

For one thing he put a pass word on his phone, when there wasn't one to begin with! This is a major RED FLAG


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This boils down to a fundamental question of what kind of marriage you want for yourself.
> 
> Your H has checked out enough that you have been recast for him. You're no longer his confidante and close friend. Instead you're the person he has to guard against.
> 
> Personally, I would throw in the towel right now, because I wouldn't ever want that sort of marriage. Everyone is different, though. At the very least, you should get things clarified enough so that you can confront with some confidence. You have to really confront no matter what, right?


Very well said and if I was cheated on again and again I would certainly confront. In my experience on this site and a few others so many BS's after dday choose to look the other way. So if that is happening doesn't that put them in a one sided open marriage?


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

Many of you are making good points. Yes, there are red flags but without being to get into his phone I don't see any proof at the moment. Does that mean he isn't cheating? No. Does it mean he is? Maybe. I'm not sure I am willing to throw away 23 years over red flags. Does that make sense? If I had proof then yes it would be over. I wouldn't second guess it at all. He rides a motorcycle so I can't use a VAR. He doesn't use the computer only his phone. I am at a loss as to what else I can do besides wait and watch the bill online.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> Many of you are making good points. Yes, there are red flags but without being to get into his phone I don't see any proof at the moment. Does that mean he isn't cheating? No. Does it mean he is? Maybe. I'm not sure I am willing to throw away 23 years over red flags. Does that make sense? If I had proof then yes it would be over. I wouldn't second guess it at all. He rides a motorcycle so I can't use a VAR. He doesn't use the computer only his phone. I am at a loss as to what else I can do besides wait and watch the bill online.


It is very natural to hope against hope that the red flags are actually innocent coincidences. Anyone in your situation wants to give these unsettling signs innocuous explanations because that will assuage the fear that we feel in our hearts when we sense that we are being betrayed. We also fear an open-ended, unformed future that we haven't planned at all, a future that looks bleak without the person we've been so committed to for so long.

The problem is that you're probably facing a lose-lose situation for the near future. Your H is most likely hiding something that will hurt you - you feel this & are probably correct. This means that your current marriage is a losing situation for you. And if you take action to leave him, your immediate future will be a lose situation because of the disruption and terrible hurt of it all.

It's much more comforting to try to believe that your marriage is actually still a 'win.' Given what you've told us, however, there's a good possibility that it isn't. If so, the frightening future without a faithful H is really a short-term problem, since if you have to, you will move on with your life and be fine. It will just take time.

For the present, though, you don't really want to keep living with this terrible uncertainty, do you? If you see no way to get proof from the phone, your alternative is to confront forcefully and demand the truth.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

You know he's up to no good, ur just holding onto the slim chance that he hasn't crossed that line. Hey, we've all been there. 

If I were in your shoes, and knew he was fishing on Craigslist, I would
pump the brakes on being overtly suspicious. Get him to lay his guard down. 
Then I'd post a fake ad on Craigslist and see if he falls for it. 

Then I'd invest the $15 for 3 months of Spokeo and do a search on his name and his email address, and even emails associated with his name. 
Then I'd go on POF.com and ****************** to see if I can find him on there. 
Some married men post pics, but usually they don't, and you'll have to read the profiles to see if any sound like him. 

Don't know ur Facebook situation, but how do u know (for sure) that he deleted the account? Maybe he just blocked you? 
If that's the case, I'd create a fake profile, and have the pictures all match up between the accounts, just in case you need to contact him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Then get the numbers from ur cell bill and run a search through ur paid Spokeo account. If nothing comes up, search through Facebook search, google, peekyou, pipl, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Have you tried calling the number that sent ur hubby those pics?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ALWAYS trust your gut. Follow it and get the answers. In my experience those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing(i.e password protecting phones). Im with everyone else, that phone would meet a violent end.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's always the BS who doesn't want to throw it all away after X years of marraige. Too bad the WS doesn't give it a second thought by locking phones, searching Craig's List, etc.

OP. Your husband is trolling personal ads, and he's not looking to buy a second hand lawnmower. For God's sake, stop making excuses for him and start investigating if you need your proof.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I had a 'gut' feeling for a long time before I acted on it. I wish I'd followed that gut MUCH sooner. It may have been in time to prevent what eventually happened. IF you have a gut feeling, dont wait for the answer to come to you, go get it.

Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I had a 'gut' feeling for a long time before I acted on it. I wish I'd followed that gut MUCH sooner. It may have been in time to prevent what eventually happened. IF you have a gut feeling, dont wait for the answer to come to you, go get it.
> 
> Good luck.


Same here. Instead I wasted my time and energy trying to work things out.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Same here. Instead I wasted my time and energy trying to work things out.


well, we are working things out BUT its much harder b/c It went on for so long. IF I had intervened earlier, he wouldnt have been able to get as involved as he did. It would have ended MUCH sooner. AS it is it spaned over a year- lots of damage can happen in that amout of time.


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## Falsehope (Oct 31, 2012)

KathyGriffinFan said:


> Have you tried calling the number that sent ur hubby those pics?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I called one of them, she had no idea what I was talking about and her Husband was there. I would imagine I wouldn't want to admit anything either. I also created a fake email and emailed both of them and nothing there either. I AM trying to get down to the bottom of things. He denied getting any pics when I asked him. He doesn't know about the online billing and that's my last card.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> I called one of them, she had no idea what I was talking about and her Husband was there. I would imagine I wouldn't want to admit anything either. I also created a fake email and emailed both of them and nothing there either. I AM trying to get down to the bottom of things. He denied getting any pics when I asked him. He doesn't know about the online billing and that's my last card.


No, if he's talking to these women he is likely doing it in the relative safety of his car. Put a VAR under his seat.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No, if he's talking to these women he is likely doing it in the relative safety of his car. Put a VAR under his seat.


Yes, if you want some clarity here, which we can all understand, you will have to try something that doesn't require you getting into his phone. The VAR is a good idea.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Hire a PI?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Or do your own PI work. Start showing up unexpectedly, start checkin up on him. Follow him. I did some PI work once after suspecting a boyfriend. Worked like a charm, and he never suspected he was being tailed at all. I brought a GF along. We had fun.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

I'm very sorry for what you are dealing with. I am posting because I've been through it. I filed for divorce in June of 2010 based simply on a gut feeling that my H was cheating. I had confronted him on numerous occasions with cell phone bills, unexplained absences, etc., and he always explained everything in a very vague way that did nothing to satisfy my fears and did not provide me with the hard and fast evidence I wanted and needed to feel as if filing was the right thing to do. Without boring you with the whole story, I'll just say that all my fears were confirmed in the long run. He's now living five hours away from our daughter with his AP, and I found out since that there had been yet another affair going on at the same time. DO NOT ignore your gut feelings. Research midlife crisis... that was an eye-opener for me. Go talk to an attorney before advising him of your plan so that you can prepare yourself both mentally and legally. Unfortunately, based on what you have shared here, I would say your suspicions are very justified. I am sorry, I know it sucks.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Always trust your gut!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> Okat that IS how I've been feeling. We used to have a pretty open and honest marriage. I used to feel like he was my friend. Your exactly right, he feels like he has to protect himself from me. I don't know how or why this changed. I don't know if he has physically cheated. I have so many questions but no hard proof of what is going on. This isn't the kind of marriage I want, can it be changed? I have no idea. Everything he is doing feels wrong to me. How do I confront without any real proof or feel like he is telling me truth?


You are trying to work something out that at this point is really negligible. Your marriage has changed because he has checked out. Permanently or not is the question. He would not be looking on Craigslist unless he was looking for what is on offer. If you want naked pics, you look at porn. If you want the real thing you go to Craigslist or such like. 

Can it be changed? Yes. But only by you. Your only option is to act. Now. Don't prolong your agony. You have the control here, don't think otherwise. He won't do what you want him to unless you force his hand. So force the situation. 

You don't need proof to confront. You have enough. If you want to end this nightmare and move to the next stage in this there is only one thing you can do. Give him 2 choices. Either give it up and be honest with you, come clean and fix the marriage. Or get out. He has already thrown the marriage away, he just neglected to tell you. When you confront him you have to be confident, assured, and DO NOT LISTEN TO WAFFLE, EXCUSES, SH*T...ANYTHING AT ALL THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH AND FIXING, OR PACKING AND LEAVING. Do not let him blame ANYTHING at all on you. Be calm, be firm, be sure in what you are saying and keep to the point. 

It feels wrong because it is wrong. He IS cheating.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Falsehope said:


> Ther are red flags but I don't 100% proof. We've been together 23 years I would at least like to know for sure before I call it quits.


These red flags give only one answer. They have only one conclusion. These are 100% proof, I am sorry but they are.


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