# Me [34M] with my wife [35F] 15 years, found out about a 2 year affair.



## absolutely

This is a cross post from reddit, I was told I could get some help/advice here.

I have been married for ~ 15 years, and for the past two years I have had a rocky relationship with my spouse. Our background started off great. I was in the military and lived overseas for 6 years. I served two tours OIF/OEF and came back pretty ****ed up. 

Once discharged, I spent two years battling for a willingness to even live. My wife worked to help support me while I was at my lowest point. With her help and that of some great therapists at the VA I was able to push myself through a prestigious university (with honors, 3 separate deans list and 1 provost list semesters). 

During my time at school we decided she should take a break and travel to her female best friends homeland overseas for some R and R. Once she returned things got passionate again and we ended up having a baby a month before I graduated (taking care of a newborn for me was more important than the ceremony.

Fast forward two years later and I have a house and find out that my wife is having another baby which she loses, but we were able to bounce back and eventually had our second child. However, during the pregnancy we began to become distant as I retreated to online activities and she handled things her way (example: finding out the gender without telling me, choosing the name and disregarding my input). It became a cold war during her pregnancy, and more importantly what seems like the beginning of the end. 

Fast forward after the birth of the baby, and she became completely closed herself off towards me. I woke up one day and saw that her phone was suddenly locked, and she told me she wanted to have her personal space on her phone and I was like ok..

Moving forward to this last year our relationship continued to fall apart. Her anger towards me was apparent and she wanted to talk about separation. The talk was scrapped as a trip to the emergency room revealed she had to have surgery. 

Even though the situation was bad I stuck by her in the hospital, because I loved her and couldn't handle the thought of losing her. We made a temporary peace after that, but during a car ride home from a visit with my doctor she reminded me that I shouldn't get a "mulligan". My heart continued to break through all these different situations. 


Finally, while on a vacation to the happiest place on earth, I asked to borrow her phone for an emergency call to my credit card company.. she refused. I asked why, and she couldn't hold it in any longer and told me she had been speaking to someone. I asked how long, and she admitted that it was before our second child was even conceived. I was floored, but she promised to end it immediately and since it was just talking and chalked it up to "tit for tat" for my behavior during her pregnancy.

These last few weeks revealed the truth though. She had consistantly been going down to her sisters house with the kids to spend the weekend. Well, this last time she left for a week to "think about things", I was upset but dealt with it. I got to see my eldest child and go to a movie, but when I returned home something began nagging me. I was missing some items so I decided to begin searching my house at 4 am.

during my search I was almost killed by a falling bookshelf, which just happened to reveal an old tin can of photos. I decided to check it even though I knew they were just old pictures of her family, but what I found was a giant Ecig pen. My wife has smoked ecigs, but this was a particular ecig pen that would only be used by a "connoisseur". 

I further investigated my wife's things and found something that completely shattered every fiber inside me. Her google location history had revealed more than two years of her dropping the kids off at her sisters and promptly going to a nearby motel for the night. I counted 11 times at one location and 1 time at a location near my house. The pattern was always the same, check in at 10 and checkout at 5am to be at her sisters by the time the kids were up and then drive back to our house. 

I backed up all the data I could from google and waited till 9am to call her and confront her about it. She was immediately defensive and asked how I could know and if I had placed a tracker in her car etc. Then came the tears over the phone, followed by screaming and then blaming. 

She never admitted it, but it was obvious by how defensive she had become over it. What hurt me the most is that one of these encounters happened 3 days before she had our second baby, and as I write this I am on 0 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours. I cannot close my eyes without thinking about her and this other person. She refuses to give up his name, although I know who he is due to the patterns from google. When I asked about him she began to cry again when I demanded she stop seeing him, and go to counseling if she wanted to save the marriage. she refused to "throw him under the bus", as I found out he was married and I don't think he would like his wife to know he has been with mine for the past couple of years. 

So now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this situation. On the one hand I want to just leave and never return, but on the other I wan't to keep my family safe and try to erase or turn the chapter on this horrible experience. 

I guess that is all for now, I will probably give better details if anyone cares. I do know that at least writing it was helpful to me, and might even get me back into actual "writing" (so long as I can get my gd grammar and sentence structure problems fixed)




**tl;dr**: Wife of 15 years was angry at me for not being emotionally available during pregnancy, and has had an affair for over 2 years now and refuses to give me the name of the person for confirmation. Should I just go see a lawyer? or Should I try giving her the separation she wants?

I really feel like I can blow up at any minute over this, but the Tao of Pooh keeps me from losing control. 

Thank you for listening reddit


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## WorkingOnMe

Dump her. Get a girlfriend.


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## sokillme

You might want to start reading up on the 180. Also get the DNA test.


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## Dyokemm

Expose this POS to his BW ASAP.....you say you have identified him through her online activities.

Wreck this SOB and kill the A.

Also, expose the A to both your families and all friends.....then file for D and do the 180 hard.

Only talk to her about the kids and D proceedings.

IF she begins to show true remorse and begs for a chance at R.....THEN you can consider if your want to halt the D process and see if the M can be repaired.

If her sister has been helping/covering for her....expose her actions as well......and she will have to be cut out of your lives if you do R.

And do a DNA test on your kids....especially the 2nd.


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## Emerging Buddhist

There is no easy way for you in this... you must understand the only control you have here is going to come from what you are willing to control. 

The only way you will have a chance is to entirely blow up the affair... scorched earth it so nobody is left uninformed. The fact that she is willing to throw you under the bus and not him tells you all should need to know about where you are in her world right now. 

There is no "pick me" game here... file for divorce immediately and serve her ASAP, you will never get her attention otherwise and you can always stop it should things change.

Now comes the mindful part... you need to understand and accept you've been betrayed, nothing less. It hurts, it rips your soul apart, breaking every promise made to you... yet you are the one wanting to fix it, this burden should not be yours outside of the forgiveness that will eventually come.

Believe in yourself like you never have... take the strength you learned from the counseling after surviving OIF/OEF and apply it, this is a different challenge but will take the same effort nonetheless. A piece of you has become a casualty but your trust and love and commitment to your family is still intact and honorable, it's your support that has failed you and the fear is understandable, many of us have been there, this is a good place to share and find that support you don't feel is anywhere else.

I am so sorry you are here with this, right now, but you have your children to worry about as well, they are innocent in this and deserve your love more than ever. Nothing in this is their fault and even if you choose to DNA as there is a good chance by her behavior there is doubt, they bear your name and have earned your love. You can worry about how things will be when the time comes, for now please do not forget them.

Hope for the best should the fog clear, but after two years this is not in your favour... prepare for the worst, but that takes a sound mind and strong body, you must take care of yourself first or you won't have what you need to succeed. Build it into a confidence that shatters their world, stand tall every time you communicate, keep your emotions in check in their presence... share your pain elsewhere, we are always here to support you the best we can.

Lastly, this is not yours to carry for them but to take it to them. Keep her off balance, it's now her turn to feel the shattered confidence as her immoral lover finds the reality of truth in his household. When she is humble, your communications can begin again. Reconciliation can happen, but your wife will have to be a whole lot more penitent for the initial steps to even begin.

This is not vengeance, this is not revenge... this is an active husband protecting his family, stand tall doing it.

Be strong, be confident, put your mind in the right place and quell the many minds that will distract you and knock you off your path. You cannot control the outcome for anyone but you, but you can control the process.

I know you are not perfect, nobody is, but you surly didn't make her cheat, that was all hers to own... I so dislike blame-shifting.

I am going to have to meditate an extra 30 minutes tonight... wishing you inner strength and a path to peace as you maneuver through this trial.


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## farsidejunky

Dyokemm said:


> Expose this POS to his BW ASAP.....you say you have identified him through her online activities.
> 
> Wreck this SOB and kill the A.
> 
> Also, expose the A to both your families and all friends.....then file for D and do the 180 hard.
> 
> Only talk to her about the kids and D proceedings.
> 
> IF she begins to show true remorse and begs for a chance at R.....THEN you can consider if your want to halt the D process and see if the M can be repaired.
> 
> If her sister has been helping/covering for her....expose her actions as well......and she will have to be cut out of your lives if you do R.
> 
> And do a DNA test on your kids....especially the 2nd.


This.


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## Mclane

Nothing to save here. 

I'm sure there's a few posters on this board who have "successfully" reconciled with a cheater who will advise you otherwise but if I was you I'd walk away and never look back.

By the way, there's no point in confronting a cheater, unless you're trying to implement the extremely questionable strategy of "blowing up the affair and bringing the person down out of their affair cloud and back to common sense" so they can own up to their "mistake" and "be remorseful" and you can live happily ever after and never have to worry about them stabbing you in the back again.

As far as DNAing your kid, you need to think about that one. If you're in a state that proclaims you're going to be financially responsible for that child because you have assumed the role of dad since birth, and/or you signed the birth certificate and/or you are liable simply because you are married to the child's mother and/or the window to contest paternity has expired.. perhaps you don't WANT to know.


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## MJJEAN

File for a divorce and DNA test the kids. DNA testing is crucial. Legally, a married woman's husband is assumed father. If a certain amount of time passes and he does not contest paternity, he is forever legally father even if he later proves the child is not biologically his. You could be on the hook for child support on a child that is the offspring of the other man.


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## brooklynAnn

She does not want to throw him under the bus but threw you off a cliff. You can tell where her loyalty lies. AND it's not with you.


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## GusPolinski

MJJEAN said:


> *File for a divorce and DNA test the kids.* DNA testing is crucial. Legally, a married woman's husband is assumed father. If a certain amount of time passes and he does not contest paternity, he is forever legally father even if he later proves the child is not biologically his. You could be on the hook for child support on a child that is the offspring of the other man.


Agreed.

Look, it would be one thing if she'd a) admit the affair, b) give up the identity of her affair partner, and c) end the affair and recommit herself to your marriage, but she's not doing any of that. Divorce is therefore the only realistic response.

And besides, that's what she wants anyway, right?

So let her have it.

Oh, and odds are her AP is someone that you know, and he's probably married as well. Keep digging until you learn his identity; once you have it, if he's married or has a girlfriend, be sure to expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend as well.


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## MJJEAN

I bet she gives up the identity of the affair partner(s) really fast if it turns out one or both of the kids isn't biologically related to the OP.


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## Evinrude58

Divorce, DNA kids, accept she hasn't been your wife for years. You're losing nothing by divorcing. You're gaining the possibility of finding a woman that actually cares about you.

I believe once a spouse cheats, it's over. Regardless of few "success" stories you may read about, it's not worth it to have to wonder the rest of your life of ahead cheating again every time there's a problem between you and her. And the decision to cheat is much easier on a Chester's conscience the second time around.

Assess what you really have here.
In my opinion, you have a remorseless cheater of two years, who is nothing but trouble. There's a solution---- divorce. She's already divorced you in her mind. She doesn't love you. It happens all the time. Summon the strength to cut her loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

Steps: 

1) Tell the scumbag's wife

2) File for divorce 

3) DNA test the kids

4) Do the 180 and live happily ever after


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## Hope1964

BetrayedDad said:


> Steps:
> 
> 1) Tell the scumbag's wife
> 
> 2) File for divorce
> 
> 3) DNA test the kids
> 
> 4) Do the 180 and live happily ever after


Ya, this pretty much sums it up.

I reconciled with my cheater, but not until I had first kicked his a$$ OUT and not spoken to him for three months. 

You might want to start by reading this. It has a HUGE amount of info for newly betrayed spouses that you just will not find anywhere else.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## MarriedDude

Share all the info you have with his wife


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## Anon1111

it's already been said, but to add to the chorus... in this order

1. Get the best lawyer you can afford
2. ask about DNAing the kids (if this will help your case)
3. Divorce
4. inform the other dude's wife. try to bang her if at all possible.


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## Steve1000

@absolutely

It is possible that your first instinct is to do everything to get your wife to stay with you. Some husbands in your situation do not expose the other man because they're afraid that it will make their cheating wives more likely to leave them. Two years from now, you'll be disgusted with yourself if you do not expose the other man. 

Your wife's loyalties clearly are with her lover. You're just an annoyance. Handle this situation in a way that you will always look back and feel proud of yourself. 

Confidently Expose, then DNA and only attempt to talk to your wife about all this if you have a need to find out what it feels like to be gas lighted. 

I know you're miserable right now and will be for awhile. I'm sorry you're here.


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## jld

Anon1111 said:


> it's already been said, but to add to the chorus... in this order
> 
> 1. Get the best lawyer you can afford
> 2. ask about DNAing the kids (if this will help your case)
> 3. Divorce
> 4. inform the other dude's wife. *try to bang her if at all possible*.


The bolded is unethical. And honestly, Anon1111, both surprising and disappointing coming from you.


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## Kivlor

@absolutely

Right now, what you need to do is rest for a moment. You've got time to make decisions. I know it doesn't feel that way, and that it seems like you've got to get your hands around this right now, but sleep is necessary for good decision making. And you'll be making a lot of decisions. Nothing is going to happen in the next few hours most likely.

First, I'd go to the store, get some nyquil or other sedative, and go lay down until you get at least 6-8 hours sleep. 

Once you've gotten a little rest, get up and come back to this. First, find an attorney and get divorce papers drafted. I know, you'll likely want to try to save your Marriage, in fact, I'm sure that's what you're thinking. Stop it. Now, go to Walmart, or Walgreen's, or any other major pharmacy and get a couple of OTC Paternity Tests and make sure your Wife did not **** you.

Do NOT have sex with your wife.
Do get tested for STD's
Do spend a lot of time with the kids until you know they are / aren't yours.
Do not talk to your Wife unless it is absolutely necessary. No texts, no calls, no dialogue at all. 
Do start the 180

Now, with this all under way, let's talk Exposure. You need to Expose your unfaithful Wife's affair. Gather all the evidence you can. Make copies on a USB and give it to someone you can trust. Make another copy and give it to your attorney. 

Now, take all the evidence, and go to the Other Man's Wife, and let her know what's going on. Then make a list of people you can trust and who will be able to help you (Mom, Dad, Siblings, buddies) but make sure they are people who won't turn on you, because your Wife is very likely to get nasty. Then make a list of who your Wife trusts, who she will go to (Her closest friends, her parents, siblings) for reassurance. 

Start with her list, start with who she trusts and looks up to most. Call them, and explain calmly what's going on, who with etc; tell them you need their support to save your marriage for her and the kids. (Whether you're going to save it or not, do this) Do not stop or break, make these calls in as rapid a succession as you can, one after another. 

Now go to your list, and tell everyone what's happened and that you need their support.

You will now have prevented your Wife from doing what almost all cheaters do: they contact everyone they can and blame shift this entire situation, turning the betrayed spouse's potential supporters against them. Instead, she will have no blind support, but rather have people on her @$$ about what she's been doing.


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## SunCMars

I cannot imagine another human being doing this to you.

Please tell me that "somehow" you deserved the hatred and spite?

You said that she was angry at you before the birth of your second child. What the heck did you do? I am assuming that this was "blame shifting", giving her a legitimate reason for betraying you. 

Was she blame-shifting? Please tell us.


Please note.....she is evil. She should have divorced you if you were [so bad] in her eyes. 

You need to divorce her...with out question. Do the steps in the "180" plan.

I want to puke.


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## sokillme

jld said:


> The bolded is unethical. And honestly, Anon1111, both surprising and disappointing coming from you.


It's funny though. :rofl:


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## Marc878

jld said:


> The bolded is unethical. And honestly, Anon1111, both surprising and disappointing coming from you.


This was not funny.

It was hilarious!!!!


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## jld

:nono:


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## BetrayedDad

Anon1111 said:


> 4. inform the other dude's wife. try to bang her if at all possible.


I like the cut of your jib!


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## Anon1111

jld said:


> The bolded is unethical. And honestly, Anon1111, both surprising and disappointing coming from you.


it's not unethical if she wants it.


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## jld

Anon1111 said:


> it's not unethical if she wants it.


Of course it is. It is the same act of adultery as the original two engaged in.


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## Anon1111

jld said:


> Of course it is. It is the same act of adultery as the original two engaged in.


disagree

the other two changed the rules of the game

so now the old rules no longer apply for this quartet

OP has bigger concerns anyway, obviously.


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## MarriedDude

jld said:


> Of course it is. It is the same act of adultery as the original two engaged in.


It can present additional legal issues if OP resides in a location where infidelity is considered during the Divorce proceedings...not to mention simply adding more drama to this other families life. 

There is also the "jerry Springer" effect that attempting this would bring into the mix...why bother?

Finally...Do you really think it's likely...that upon hearing about her husband's long term affair that this woman would be in the mood to have sex with this complete stranger???


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## Anon1111

MarriedDude said:


> Finally...Do you really think it's likely...that upon hearing about her husband's long term affair that this woman would be in the mood to have sex with this complete stranger???


revenge


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## sokillme

jld said:


> Of course it is. It is the same act of adultery as the original two engaged in.


Personally I believe once someone engages in adultery the marriage contract is null and void. Don't think revenge sex is a good idea though, although it has worked out in some instances.


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## sokillme

How is it going today @absolutely?


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## MarriedDude

Anon1111 said:


> revenge


Ehhh. While she may have that desire later on...initially...I'm willing to bet she won't be there. 

Given the way the new "Affirmative Consent" laws are heading..there are other scenarios that could just as readily play out


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## Blackroses

How is it going absolutely?


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## becareful2

I think the OP has run off because he didn't like the advice he got.


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## lifeistooshort

SunCMars said:


> I cannot imagine another human being doing this to you.
> 
> Please tell me that "somehow" you deserved the hatred and spite?
> 
> You said that she was angry at you before the birth of your second child. What the heck did you do? I am assuming that this was "blame shifting", giving her a legitimate reason for betraying you.
> 
> Was she blame-shifting? Please tell us.
> 
> 
> Please note.....she is evil. She should have divorced you if you were [so bad] in her eyes.
> 
> You need to divorce her...with out question. Do the steps in the "180" plan.
> 
> I want to puke.


You didn't read his post? He treated his wife like sh!t.

But of course since she had an affair none of that matters.

I have no idea why either one would want to reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> You didn't read his post? He treated his wife like sh!t.
> 
> But of course since she had an affair none of that matters.
> 
> I have no idea why either one would want to reconcile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.

Thank you. 

Since there are two people in a relationship there *are two stories*. Two frames of reference. As readers we all need to get all the postings and facts before commenting, Mea Culpa.

And as advisors or commenters, we bring in our own quirks and baggage to the Forum. Some are too quick to draw conclusions. Some are the opposite....cannot read between the lines...follow the "Trail of Tears". 

Hope [and good will] is all we have sometimes. Some TAMMER's have neither....burned and jaded, they be.

The poster of these stories sometimes gloss over their own transgressions. Others are too honest.....even making excuses for the WS's behavior. They "over 
rationalize" and blame shift onto their own hide.

*Divorce, then have intimate relations with others*.......Easy answer.........rarely done in TAM poster stories. 

TAM reflects our culture.

Life is Great.....but ain't easy.....nope.


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## SunCMars

becareful2 said:


> I think the OP has run off because he didn't like the advice he got.


Well, the old trite saying "The Truth Hurts" always applies. 

TAM posters lay their woes and hearts "on the line".....in inglorious and embarrassing frankness.

Even though the posters are anonymous.....it does not feel that way [for all] sometimes.

I salute them. Especially the Foolish Ones, the Nice Guys, the Nice Gals. 

Humans are psychological cannibals. Yep.


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## x598

lifeistooshort said:


> You didn't read his post? He treated his wife like sh!t.
> 
> But of course since she had an affair none of that matters.
> 
> I have no idea why either one would want to reconcile.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh please...so sick and tired of reading about cheating spouses complaining how horrible they have been treated......

if he was so horrible to her.....why cheat? why not just split? or for that matter why R? because all that blame shifting was to justify the affair in the first place.

so many threads here..."i could have been a better spouse...did X Y and Z wrong" only to find out there is someone else in the picture.


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## Rubix Cubed

x598 said:


> oh please...so sick and tired of reading about cheating spouses complaining how horrible they have been treated......
> 
> if he was so horrible to her.....why cheat? why not just split? or for that matter why R? because all that blame shifting was to justify the affair in the first place.
> 
> so many threads here..."i could have been a better spouse...did X Y and Z wrong" only to find out there is someone else in the picture.



^THIS ^ :iagree: QFT


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