# Is this negative thinking re: marriage, etc.



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I was commenting to somebody how my thought is that young people early 20s etc. should think about education, training, etc. before they start thinking about marriage/kids, etc.

My son who is around 27 is concentrating on his career which makes me happy, while some of the kids he graduated with in high school have kids already and/or have been married and divorced.

SOmebody said to me well that is negative thinking, your not much of a romantic are you????


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

I wish I'd waited. Got married just out of college. We'd gone to different colleges 1100 miles apart and got together during Christmas and Spring breaks. Thought we knew each other, as well as everything. 

So she made my life a living hell until the last kid left for college and I finally had enough. My life now is built on the foundation that was constructed during those years and I'll forever be paying the price...to say nothing of $20,000 a year in alimony, half my pension and half my assets. 

Forever is a long time. Choose wisely...and that's something you can't do before your brain is fully formed.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I got married at 22.....H was 25...we spent our 20 building out careers. Starting our family when I was 27. It depends on the individuals. How much they want to make a success of their lives.

There is a guy across the street from us....in his 30s, can never keep a job past 3months...College educated. Got married.....has a baby on the baby...i feel bad for his wife. Oh they are living with his parents......

So, like I said depends on the person.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I don't think it's negative. I think it's called being rational & smart!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you are negative. Both stances have merits. I think having kids at a younger age is better myself, that way when you're in your late 40's they're leaving home, you have money, and you can start to enjoy life, travel etc. while you're still young. If you don't happen to agree with me that doesn't mean either of us are wrong. My oldest son is traveling right now with his girlfriend, they have NO plans to ahve kids, maybe ever. And he's happy - THAT is what I think is important. But so is my daughter, who at 23 has a 2 year old plus two older kids from her boyfriends first marriage. And she is also happy.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

We were likely too young when we got married. I was 21 and she was 19. We waited 5 years before we started having kids, thank God, because those first few years were tough as we essentially grew up together. They were doubly tough because we were both students and working and just trying to survive.

But although I wouldn't be here if everything was roses, I think successfully navigating those early hardships did give us the perseverance to remain married for 33 years. So there can be an upside but boy, those first few years sure could have gone either way.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think waiting to have kids is a VERY good idea. That can never be reversed.

I don't t think its as necessary to wait for marriage because if necessary it can be reversed. I don't know if people who marry young have more divorces or not - lots of external things could influence the statistics.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I love marriage and being married and we have already advised our boys to wait until their 30s to marry. That advice from my MIL to my husband worked very well for him (and us) so I don't see it as a negative at all. His decision to wait has meant many positives in our lives, to everything from being more financially stable to raising our children how we feel is best.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We married too young (me 21, him 25) so I never learned how to be independent; big mistake. But we waited 10 years to have our wonderful daughter, so that was good. She, too, has been picky about guys and putting college first. Nearly all her friends have at least one kid, if not multiple, WITHOUT getting married (most of them), only one has graduated college, one ended up with a technical degree after going back to school after 2 kids. DD26 didn't start dating her fiance until she was 23, and will not get married until next spring. She'll get married, have a couple kids, buy a house, and go back for her PhD in her 30s.

Bottom line is they played things wisely and are in great shape to have a great life. The rest of her friends? The 'romantics?' Nearly every one of them wishes they'd done things differently.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This seems intuitively true: U. professor finds new trends between age and divorce rates | Deseret News

By the time you're 30 you know a lot more about yourself and relationships. A lot of the "romantic" marriages your son's peers are involved in will end up in shambles. Bank on it. I would recommend 30 as a good marriage age, preceded by a long engagement.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

highwood said:


> I was commenting to somebody how my thought is that young people early 20s etc. should think about education, training, etc. before they start thinking about marriage/kids, etc.
> 
> My son who is around 27 is concentrating on his career which makes me happy, while some of the kids he graduated with in high school have kids already and/or have been married and divorced.
> 
> SOmebody said to me well that is negative thinking, your not much of a romantic are you????


I don't think it's negative thinking. I'm sure everyone is different, but I don't see the rush.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I was supposed to get married last year,never happened.I am thirty three and have lived on my own or with roommates since I was sixteen.My then fiancée(we got back together) had never lived anywhere but with her parents and I think that should have been a red flag.You take someone out of a living with parents situation and put them in a cohabiting situation and it is a major lifestyle change.That is why I would always recommend living together before marriage.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Well I see merits in both. I had kids young, my first at 21, another 2 1/2, years later, then got pregnant when my middle child was 10 months (ugh) with my current husband (other two are the exs). I am now 36 the end of this month and have one in high school, one in middle school and one going into middle school. We will be young when we r done raising our kids. Oh and DH has a son 4 months younger than our son (don't ask long story involving my cold feet after leaving husband 1). I have so many friends my age just having kids and I'm like hell no! I couldn't handle a toddler, so done with that! I'll be a young grandmother able to do things with my grandkids. No it wasn't easy until my son was about 10 months or so when DH and I moved in together. He has an excellent job and we r comfortable. We would have been more comfortable had I waited to have kids, and wouldn't have had any with my ******* ex, but then my kids wouldn't be the wonderful people they are. So I have no regrets.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think it's smart to wait for marriage and kids. But then some people manage marriage/kids and good job at a young age. My parents encouraged me to get a college degree as it was something that no one could ever take away from me. Of course you do what you can BUT I don't think I could work, go to college and take care of a youngster.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm a romantic.. I married young... neither myself or husband regret this... we're older school ... we are also very frugal...we had a dream, we wanted to be together while we built that dream... he had a little computer college.. but never got a job in it... we have a larger family by today's standards... still we managed to do very well for ourselves ... had our house/ property paid off before our last son was born... 

By reading some of the responses ... one would think any couple like us was mindless , would have a ship wrecked marriage & just a lousy life or something.... 

Obviously getting married young is a terrible idea for many.. most would never want this anyway- not in today's society... but still this doesn't mean it's WRONG for everyone... . I would hate for someone to speak for me.. just as any of you wouldn't want another to speak for you & your experiences, what they may mean to you, if it was good...

They say young people's brains are not fully developed until their mid 20's.. well I have met a lot of people in my lifetime .. and some NEVER grow up, show responsibility, lacking self awareness , and some are way ahead of others -even being younger.. so age alone/ even a college education can't predict or paint a black & white picture here...

It may give a higher statistic of failure if a couple is too immature to understand commitment , responsibility, working together to benefit each other, going forth with a Team spirit ......but this still holds true for older folks too... 

My thing is... if a couple is EVER rushing into something - dating less than 18 months...it's a red flag.. it takes some time for the whirlwind stage to die down , where shared values, love, shared dreams come into focus -getting beyond infatuation.... if a couple is always broke, complaining they can't pay their bills, 
running to others for help all the time, if they fight every other day, cause a ton of drama... that's asking for a ship wreck...they need to work on themselves to be a better half - before even thinking of setting up house..


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I got married when I was 23 (same age as my W). Not a single regret here. Had no issues with my education, my career, etc... nothing got sidetracked b/c we got married early. 

There is no one set of rules about when you should or should not get married. All I can say is don't rush into it, take your time to get to know the person. I know there seems to be this idea that when you become an adult you are supposed to get married and have kids, but says who. Go at your own pace. Some people are simply not meant to get married or have kids, nothing wrong with that. Do it b/c that is what you truly want, not because that is what "society" says you should do.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

My opinion is that OP's supposed "negative thinking" ironically shows more forethought than supposed "positive thinking". Focusing attention on one's career before starting a family makes a lot of practical sense in today's society, where more and more, enriched jobs require a university education beyond the undergraduate level and considerable investments in human capital. That's not to say that romantics who marry young can't stay together; it's just a lot harder managing kids while getting careers established. 

A friend of mine is good anecdotal evidence of this. He married young (early 20's), had 4-5 kids over a stretch of 20 years where he juggled combinations of school, work, and consulting engagements on the side. His wife was a nurse, and worked some years, taking hiatuses during other years to care for her children. They're still married today with a strong marriage, a beautiful family, and the guy's career has really taken off (he has a slew of patents, publications, career experience, MIT education, etc etc). He and his wife are a great example of how a couple can start their family early and develop their careers along the way, if priorities are managed well. Like so many things in marriage, success comes down to the couple and how well they work toward shared goals.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I loved having my kids young. I'm about to turn 42 next week. I own my home and cars free and clear, my eldest kids are already on their own and the youngest will be graduating in 2 years. It's awesome. While some of my peers are raising littles, I'm darn close to done. 

Most of my friends are also folks who had their kids young, so I never felt I missed out as we'd just pack up our munchkins and go. We did festivals and barbeques, house parties where one parent watched the kids for the rest, and so much more. It was good times.

Now, that said, I do regret marrying my 1st husband at 19. Age has nothing to do with it, though. I didn't love him. We were nowhere near compatible. We were casual sex partners, there was a bc failure, and we " did the right thing". 

Being young with kids was great. Being married for 6 years to a completely moronic loser, not so much.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I guess in my situation I met H when I was 19 had son at 21, sometimes I do think back and wished I had done things differently, focused more on education and travelled, etc.

There was time when I was in my early 20s at home with a little one and no money that I would think man there are others my age out and about travelling the world, having fun at University, etc....

Plus we had in law issues, primarily a FIL who had lost the farm and then turned to his kids for money, etc....nothing like being 22 or 23 years old and gettingphone calls from the banks,e tc. trying to track him down.

I hate to say it but if that was happening now I would be gone back then I was not working and wanted to be at home for my son.

So I guess that is why I am somewhat jaded about marriage/parenthood too young but that is based on my situation, other women I have talked to, had child/marriage young and had a very different situation.

Once financially we got more secure, etc. bought our first house, then things started to get better...FIL stopped asking for money so that helped too


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I loved having my kids young. I'm about to turn 42 next week. I own my home and cars free and clear, my eldest kids are already on their own and the youngest will be graduating in 2 years. It's awesome. While some of my peers are raising littles, I'm darn close to done.
> 
> Most of my friends are also folks who had their kids young, so I never felt I missed out as we'd just pack up our munchkins and go. We did festivals and barbeques, house parties where one parent watched the kids for the rest, and so much more. It was good times.
> 
> ...


I agree with you that is one advantage about having kids young....I am 48 and have a 27 year old. WHere as sister in law had her child at 44 so when her daughter is 27 she will be 71.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add that sometimes it is easy to play the victim and feel sorry for the younger me backthen but even though I was young I was still an adult and made choices, decisions, that probably back then nobody could have talked me out of anyway.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

highwood said:


> I agree with you that is one advantage about having kids young....I am 48 and have a 27 year old. WHere as sister in law had her child at 44 so when her daughter is 27 she will be 71.


Mine are 23, 18, and 16. I'll be 44 when " the baby" graduates. Meanwhile, I know a few folks who are within a few years of me who are getting up for midnight feedings and will be AARP members before their kids graduate. No thanks! I like my sleep. I'm so happy I got infant care out if the way when I was young enough to function normally on a total of 4 hrs interrupted sleep, lol.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It depends on the maturity level and what their plan is and whether it's realistic or not.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

highwood said:


> I was commenting to somebody how my thought is that young people early 20s etc. should think about education, training, etc. before they start thinking about marriage/kids, etc.
> 
> My son who is around 27 is concentrating on his career which makes me happy, while some of the kids he graduated with in high school have kids already and/or have been married and divorced.
> 
> SOmebody said to me well that is negative thinking, your not much of a romantic are you????


Romance is not the most important thing to everyone.

I needed security. I still do. I am not interested in trying to make a marriage work. I like how I can count on my husband to be there, no matter what.

I probably had my children too young (almost 25). But we are so glad we have our first child. She is very mature and high achieving, and a great contributor to any community she has ever been a part of.

I am also really glad I waited four years to have my second. The rest came at three year intervals, which was also the right timing for us.

I am really glad my husband came into my life when he did. Sometimes I wish I had known him since high school, though. He would have taken such good care of me. But would I have appreciated him as much?

And yet, I don't think my appreciation of him matters. He is married to me because he wants to be with me. He is the rock our marriage, our family, is built on. It is really comforting to know that his commitment supersedes my behavior in the marriage, or my feelings at any given time.

A man who is solid in himself, and solid in his commitment to his wife and children, makes the lives of his wife and children much, much easier.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I don't think it's negative. I think it's called being rational & smart!


Rational and smart....

Not applicable to **** Sapiens.....'in genere'.

THIS factoid, thrusts a fully-opposable thumb in the eye of wishful thinkers.


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