# Just living my life and only there for my daughter.



## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

Hello all,

I have been with my wife for 11 years and married a little over 7. We have a wonderful 5 year old daughter. 

Our relationship was great. My wife is a large woman 230-240 range. The thing was I looked past that because who she was and I loved to be around her. That made her sexy in my eyes. She acted like I was the only person that mattered and I felt the same way. 

Thingas changed about a little after my daughter was born/her sister moved in. I am 100% a family man. We moved her sister in because she lost her job and despite finding another job she stayed with us for 3 years. Never did I ask for her to pay anything and she did help out around the house, more than my wife does. My daughter gained most of my attention, while I thought I was giving my wife a break.

Maybe her sister moving in had something to do with it but she resided in the basement and we slept on the second floor. In either case needless to say our sex life took a screeching halt. I mean 15-20 times we had sex in that 3 years. 

Well I noticed she started going out a little more with her friends and not really wanting to spend time with me. I tried doing the right thing and addressing the issue. She took it as I was trying to control her. She works 3-4 days a week and 12-16 hour days so naturally I would miss her. I told her if you work 3 consecutive days I barely see you and you don't see our daughter. I told her, I think your priority is to spend time with your family if you have the next day,2, or 3 off. I could not believe her response of saying she needs time for herself. She said she needs to be able to have balance. Ok well I let that play out. 

After a few months of this I simply asked her to back off her friends because I am not feeling good (start of my depression). She heard nothing about how I am feeling and stated she won't back off her friends. This crushed me because I felt the one person that should be there for me was not. A few weeks later in a drunken state (I very very rarely drink)I basically told her to leave the house. Naturally her sister left with her and yes I was mean about it.

A few weeks later, she came back and without her sister. I really thought she was going to come back and work on things. 

A few months later she was continuously on facebook. Didn't think much about it. One day at my daughter's soccer game he approached the coach who is a city cop and asked if he knew one of her old friends who is a cop as well. Well turns out a few weeks later she is calling him and texting him. I never check the phone records but that day she said she was going to the store and will be right back. The store is a 5 minute trip if there is a line, 45 minutes later she shows up. I checked the phone records a few days later and basically they were having conversations for hours upon hours. While she was working and while she was at home. I approached her on it and she stated he is an old friend. I asked if they had a relationship in the past and she said they had sex one time. I questioned her on why she kept this contact a secret. She stated I probably would overreact.

This next part I can't really tell you 100% if it is accurate but I am just going off what I can remember. This contact continued for a solid 2 weeks. Some time after that enough was enough and I called the guy and asked what is going on. He stated they were friends and that is it. I also called a mutual friend who knew this guy. Unbeknown to her she did not know my wife had sex with this guy in the past. Now I mentioned I was in a depressive state. 

Well I don't know what happened from thanksgiving until Dec.17th when I woke up in the hospital. I think something made me snap, what??? I have no idea. I remember vague things but it appeared to me like I was watching my life in glances. On the night of Dec 7th I tried hanging myself. I really don't know the details and don't want to get to graphic.

I came out of the hospital Dec 18th and they put me clinic for the next 5 days for therapy. My wife remained at her mothers house during this time. From the moment was able to remember things on the 17th until the 23rd of December when I was released from the clinic my wife visited me one time. She also had her birthday on the 19th and went out and partied. That bothered me. I mean your husband just tried offing himself and you need to go out and party. Now I don't know what was going on and I was bothered that I did such a thing because honestly, it never crossed my mind. In fact I forgot all about the conversations with the other guy. 

As soon as the cell phone bill came in I remembered about what happened before thanksgiving. Telling my wife I want to move past everything, build our future and not hold a grudge because I have been given a second chance at life. 


On Jan 4th after multiple days of sensing she had no desire to work on things, I asked her if she wants to work on things. She said she does not know. I told her that is not good enough. It is either yes or no. She said she needs time apart. This is the second time in my eyes she turned away from me when I was asking for help. She moved in with her mom that night.

To no surprise she started calling and texting the same guy again. All hours throughout the night. Finally I made her give me an answer. She said it was over. There was a sense of relief that I did not have in a long time. I don't care if she wants to move on or be with me, I simply needed to know. 

During the next month in a half the conversations would bounce around to give me some time to leave me alone. Well I have been trying to 2 years to work on things, tried killing myself, have you turn your back on me twice, and found out now that you are "getting your mind straight", you met up with your "friend" 4-5 times.

My daughter means the world to me. I need her in my life and I know when I walked the the door after coming home from the hospital and crying for about a half hour, realizing that what happened would effect her the most I promised myself never to let another thought depress me. I see her face and just smile. She is a loving person like myself. We both want to be held, kissed, and loved. 

During this time it pained me to be away from my daughter. She really did not understand what was going on. Why she was being shipped back and forth from my house to her grandma's. I cried every night she was not home and could not stop smiling and loving her when she was around.

SO I called an arbitrator and set up some hearing for February. I started dating this girl around the last week of January. We only went out twice and nothing more than a good night kiss.

Well some how my wife found out about it just a day or two before the arbitrator. She begged me to take her back and not go through with the divorce. I did...but not for her. I want to be able to see my daughter everyday.

So I am still with her. Do I think she cheated on me? YES!! Do I trust her, have faith she will be there for me, or want to talk to her?? NO!! I am only with her for my daughter. 

I feel bad for the girl that I went out with because we both had strong feelings towards each other. I clicked with her better than my wife...ever. I told her I would love to continue to relationship but I need my daughter. At first she was upset. Even started calling me names and saying my wife will never change. I told her the last thing I want is to hurt her. I am only taking my wife back for my daughter. She had a daughter of her own and understood. I told her I can't remain in contact with her and told her I hope she finds someone that will be there for her and treat her the way she should be treated. This woman was a great woman. 

Nothing has really changed. I don't have much of a relationship with my wife and go through the emotions enough to make her happy. Sex...I can't even tell you when we had sex last...maybe May?? Lets say I just look at her differently. I have resentment, animosity, and disgust towards her. Honestly now that 230-240 lb woman does not have the same looks in my eyes she once did.

I will sacrifice my life of hell so my daughter is able to live a semi normal life. So I can continue to send her to private schools. So I can continue to spoil her. 

Some might say what is the point to all of this, I hope someone else can read it and not go down the path of trying to kill themselves because they were depressed. If your significant other is not there for you, live your life. If you don't have kids leave. Leave quick. The stress and strain are not worth it.

If you have kids, I hope you do what you feel is best. What I am doing may not be right, but it assures me my daughter is taken care of with some of my views.

I really have only talked about this to my brothers and their girlfriend/fiance.

It is nice to let out some steam.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I am sorry you are going thru this nightmare. 

The only thing I wanted to say is that I hope you are getting counseling for yourself and the issues that being in this situation has done to your mental health.


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

Yes I have and still am. Thank You.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

powerguy said:


> So I am still with her. Do I think she cheated on me? YES!! Do I trust her, have faith she will be there for me, or want to talk to her?? NO!! I am only with her for my daughter.
> 
> I feel bad for the girl that I went out with because we both had strong feelings towards each other. I clicked with her better than my wife...ever. I told her I would love to continue to relationship but I need my daughter. At first she was upset. Even started calling me names and saying my wife will never change. I told her the last thing I want is to hurt her. I am only taking my wife back for my daughter. She had a daughter of her own and understood. I told her I can't remain in contact with her and told her I hope she finds someone that will be there for her and treat her the way she should be treated. This woman was a great woman.
> 
> ...


Please think about what you are teaching your daughter. She learns not only through what you tell her, but by what she watches you do.

Right now, you are teaching her about marriage, how a husband should interact with and treat his wife, how a wife should treat her husband, how a family should interact. She may well end up recreating that dynamic in her life.

So please ask youself is this the life you want for your daughter. When you think about walking her down the aisle, is this what you hope she achieves? If so, then continue on. If not, then set an example that you hope she does try to copy.


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Please think about what you are teaching your daughter. She learns not only through what you tell her, but by what she watches you do.
> 
> Right now, you are teaching her about marriage, how a husband should interact with and treat his wife, how a wife should treat her husband, how a family should interact. She may well end up recreating that dynamic in her life.
> 
> So please ask youself is this the life you want for your daughter. When you think about walking her down the aisle, is this what you hope she achieves? If so, then continue on. If not, then set an example that you hope she does try to copy.


Valid point. It crosses my mind every time I think of her future. 

I go on as if everything is OK. I put on a very solid presenting face about the whole thing. Nothing has changed as far as what is presented. I felt for the better part of 3 years I have done what I need to do to make my daughter feel I have a relationship with my wife.

Fact is I can deal with that because I know by the time my daughter is done with college, if she goes, I am out of this relationship. If there is a time sooner that I feel I need to leave I will.

Like I said the sacrifice is so my daughter has the best life possible and that means if I have to act like the loving husband I will. 

I am going to do the things I want to do. What was #1a my wife, #1aa my daughter, and a distant #2 what I desire to do, has no changed. It is #1 my Daughter. Anything and everything that I can do to keep the relationship with her as strong as possible will be done. A distant #2 is what I want to do. I don't even know what # to give the wife. I just view her as someone who lives with me and I only need her for the times I am not there to watch my daughter.

The fact is I do most of the cleaning, I do all of the cooking, and I can live just fine without her income. I don't need her...I do need my daughter.

Like I said it may not be the right thing to do...I want know until it is done...but it assures that I am there every step of the way.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

powerguy said:


> Valid point. It crosses my mind every time I think of her future.
> 
> I go on as if everything is OK. I put on a very solid presenting face about the whole thing. Nothing has changed as far as what is presented. I felt for the better part of 3 years I have done what I need to do to make my daughter feel I have a relationship with my wife.


Please remember that kids pick up on things much faster and much more accurately than we parents realize. It is very likely that your daughter will pick up on the signs of your relationship with your wife.

Having said all of that, I wish you the best in a difficult situation. I hope it works out. I also hope that you evaluate periodically to make sure what you are doing is in your daughter's best interests. What she needs now is much different than what she will need in ten years. Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---your daughter would be better off in 2 basically happy homes---than in one home where there is tension, and misery all the time-----you are asking your daughter to live in a situation, where there is no love, no trust, no peace of mind----it is not carefree and fun loving---

What is best for your daughter

What is best for you

The living situation you are in is terrible, and you know it-----your daughter picks up on everything and she knows things are not right----If you love her so much give her a large dose of happiness, if that takes split homes, so be it---better than the permanent 24/7 misery she is in now.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why did you take your wife back? You just gave her a "pass" on her affair.

Kids are resilient. And yes, being in two happy homes instead of one not so happy home is much better for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies.


I have said, "Is it right what I am doing???" At the moment I think so. If there is a point where frustrations are taken out or that my daughter approaches me and asks me why am I acting a certain way, you can bet I would rethink what is best. She is my world and I won't let her life be ruined even if that means I don't see her everyday.

My daughter is a very smart girl and I watch my words around her at all times, especially regarding the wife issue. Trust me that month or so of her going back and forth I seen how she reacted and how she acted out, I never seen her like that. Right now it is better for her this way.

As far as the reply of giving my wife a "pass". I gave her nothing. I only wanted my daughter. To hold her to standards means that I care about her...that is not the case anymore.

Once again thanks for the replies/concerns. I will take the advice and work on it as much as possible.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Be careful about spoiling your daughter, I'm trying to avoid it myself... especially when she's been nothing but joy for me too really. As for your missus, guess it's crossed the point of no return.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

I am very sorry for what you are going through. That is a lot for one person to handle and I'm sure these events in your life have been devistating. With that being said, however, I do have to mention one thing.

As a therapist and a child of parents who stayed married but did not love or want to be with each other, it is a VERY traumatizing experience. I know you think you're helping your daughter by trying to remain a family and not disrupting her life but you may be doing mroe damage than good. I have lived in a household of two warring parents and much like myself, a child is very perceptive and will pick up on the tension and uncomfortableness of the situation. That kind of mood and air I grew up with is what has caused me to have anxiety and mild depression myself. I became a therapist because of the experiences I've had to deal with coming from a family where there is no love between the parents but who stayed together because they thought it would be better for the kids. I've always wished they divorced because that alternative would have been better than the house I had to live in with parents who hated each other. 

I can also see this coming from a somewhat selfish place. Please don't take this the wrong way or see it as me attacking or judging you. I'm simply being a therapist here in my observations. You are staying together with your wife so that you can see your daughter everyday because it brings you joy and happiness but in doing so, you are keeping her in a situation and environment that can be negative and unhealthy for her. It may be making you feel better but it is certainly going to damage her. Especially with what you've said about spoiling her and loving her to death, this may cause a rift in her relationship with her mother and turn into picking sides, hurt feelings, and her being torn between her two parents. She may turn into leverage when you and your wife are not getting along and she will be forced to make painful decisions of who to side with. You'll feel hurt if she doesn't show you the support and love you have given her and then turn that against her. "After all I've done for you..." "Your mother treats me this way and you still love her as much as you love me even though I've shown more love to you..." "I've sacrificed so much of my life to be with you and this is what I get in return." She'll be made to feel guilty about something that was not her choice to begin with. 

Now, I am not saying that this is what you will do or have done and that, yes, I am now coming from a place of personal experience with this rather than professional experience (although I have had clients that have been in the same situations which reinforces my ideas about how this type of situation can be detrimental to the child involved). I, however, have been trained to identify these family dynamics, behaviors, patterns, and themes and can see where this situation has the potential to lead....and it is not a good, healthy place for anyone.

I therefore wish you luck in your situation and life. I just felt that I should share these thoughts with you to consider as it is coming from both a professional places and of a more personal one that has greatly and significantly negatively impacted and influenced my life. I do not want to see your daughter go through the same thing I went through as I am 25 and STILL dealing and coping with the situation I was forced to be in as a young child of two unhappily married parents who stayed together because they THOUGHT they were doing the right thing and what was best for the children. I can assure you, it was not.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

The older your daughter gets, the more she will realize what is going on. Children are quite perceptive and trust, raising her in a toxic situation like this is not healthy.
As time goes on your "wife will become less discreet and know that she can do whatever the hell she wants because you will always be there.
This will cause increasing anger/resentment from you and kids can definitely sense these things.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

No it's not right what you are doing and as others have pointed out you are setting a poor example of a marriage for her. You are damaging her instead of showing her how to live a healthy normal life irregardless if you are married or single. 

I think you are using the "doing right for my daughter" thing because of fear. If you and your wife really do divorce then you'll be out there on your own and you'll have to deal with all that comes with that. Right now you can claim being a martyr but yet hide behind it. Know what I mean? Besides no woman in her right man would date you in that living arrangement, it would be nuts but I suspect that you want it that way because it offers you protection.


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> No it's not right what you are doing and as others have pointed out you are setting a poor example of a marriage for her. You are damaging her instead of showing her how to live a healthy normal life irregardless if you are married or single.
> 
> I think you are using the "doing right for my daughter" thing because of fear. If you and your wife really do divorce then you'll be out there on your own and you'll have to deal with all that comes with that. Right now you can claim being a martyr but yet hide behind it. Know what I mean? Besides no woman in her right man would date you in that living arrangement, it would be nuts but I suspect that you want it that way because it offers you protection.


#1 I would end it if I see that it is effecting my daughter

#2 I don't fight with my wife and I don't question her anymore. As I have said for me to do that means I care about her, I don't. So the idea that I am setting an example of what marriage is about, is a farce. I hide my true feelings towards my wife from my daughter and even my wife. I partake in all family activities. I move on with my every day life as if everything is normal. NOW I know what my relationship is, I am comfortable with the idea of living my life this way. 

#3 It is right what I am doing right now because shipping my daughter back and forth every other day was not helping her. She was confused what to call home, she is happier she is not in that situation (her own words), and most of all she is with her parents instead of the in laws watching her 80% of the time.

#4 I am not looking for a woman and if I were, if that arises, I realize I have to make a change in my life. I am fine with not being in a relationship. That was all I wanted to know from my wife. Whether or not she wants to be in this relationship, fact is that does not matter to me anymore. Right now, I prefer to have my daughter in my life everyday. Is it selfish? YES, absolutely. Even though the selfish part of wanting to be with my daughter is there, I let my daughter make her own decisions on what she wants.

#5 I see nothing wrong with making my daughter's life the best it could be. If my actions effect her in a negative way, I have no problem in making a change. I talk to my daughter every chance and she has no problem telling me things. We are very close. I would never stop her from doing things. I don't react if she prefers to be with her mother, because I understand completely there are things she wants to do with her mother and she wants to be with her mother. I simply live life everyday as if everything is great. 

#6 I am a parent first. I am willing to do whatever to ensure my daughter's happiness. If that means divorcing my wife eventually, it is done. 

#7 It is an assumption on my part this is the right way, as it is an assumption on yours and others it is the wrong way. People are different and people react differently. There is no by the book on raising a child. While I respect the profession of psychiatrists, even they will tell you there is no right way to do things.

As a parent you know your child's reactions and know how they are going to react, especially with how close I am with my daughter. As I have said my daughter and I are very close. She tells me everything. I have no doubt my daughter would approach me if my relationship is an issue to her. When, yes I said when, the day comes when she is not talking to me about everything I have no problem approaching her about anything. I also have no doubt she will speak up at that time.


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

KJ5000 said:


> The older your daughter gets, the more she will realize what is going on. Children are quite perceptive and trust, raising her in a toxic situation like this is not healthy.
> As time goes on your "wife will become less discreet and know that she can do whatever the hell she wants because you will always be there.
> This will cause increasing anger/resentment from you and kids can definitely sense these things.


There is nothing that she could do that makes me angry any more. I already believe she has cheated on me, so minus harming my daughter what can she do?

If she chooses to hang out all night and not be around her daughter that is her choice. If it effects my daughter I will approach her with my daughter by my side to make sure she knows those are my daughter's feelings and not mine.

She could do what she pleases and the effect it has on me now is nothing. If it effects my daughter I will handle it.

I guess what I am saying if she does that with her daughter with me being there is it really any different if she dumps my daughter on her parents??? The only difference I see is that I am there for my daughter and the in laws aren't being dumped on to fill my wife's roll.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Your daughter is a child, she is not capable or responsible of telling you if she is being hurt by your living arrangement or not.

*Children are not to be charged with that much responsibility for their own well being. *

If you aren't open to any opinions or views that differ from yours, there isn't any point in posting is there? Why are you so defensive if you are sure you are right?


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## powerguy (Aug 22, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> Your daughter is a child, she is not capable or responsible of telling you if she is being hurt by your living arrangement or not.
> 
> *Children are not to be charged with that much responsibility for their own well being. *
> 
> If you aren't open to any opinions or views that differ from yours, there isn't any point in posting is there? Why are you so defensive if you are sure you are right?


Sorry if you think I am being defensive.

I have read people's opinions and I am open to them. As I have stated right now this is my plan. I respect the opinions enough to change my life it is effecting my daughter.

I am not sure if you have a child and if you do.younger children are usually very open and blunt about things they like/dislike about themselves with people they feel comfortable with. I can not tell you how many times she would say things that would make anybody uncomfortable/blush, so why would you think she would hide how she feels?

As I have said right now I feel this is the right way, I have no problem changing things if needed. I am trying it this way. If it does not work I will change things immediately. So I ask how is that not listening to what people say? Should I just dump what I know/believe because others think they know better? You are telling me to not try this way. My daughter means the world to me and she knows it. She may be only 5 but she is very capable of telling me what is bothering her. If my actions are bothering her she would not hesitate to tell me. I know how she is.


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