# Am I stupid or what?



## LostInPHX (Jun 3, 2018)

The end of March, I busted my wife kissing a _friend_ in the parking lot. I subsequently found out they were having a *very* sexual affair for over 2 months and she had planned on moving in with him. He didn’t want her to. I saw text messages on my wife's phone that shocked me to the core!! I wouldn't believe my wife would *say* those things besides actually *do* them. I've found out more and more almost everyday. She lies, denies, and deflects everything. To this day she denies kissing him in the parking lot even tho other people saw it and she texted him about getting busted kissing him. I don't know who I'm married to! Right now I'm so confused I can't believe it. I really trusted and loved my wife (26+ years) and I have tried to resolve our marriage, but I don't know if I can. She’s not really trying at all. I've talked to a divorce lawyer and he didn’t shed and new light on what I already knew. I don’t care what she takes and I’m willing to walk away with nothing and start over again.

I haven’t got to the worse part yet… She caught an STD from him (or someone else). So now “I” am infected with a semi-permanent STD that will take years to get rid of. She is asking me to check for warts in her throat now. I was so humiliated and disgusted counting the warts in her and she acts like it like making a salad, or putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

The really bad part is I actually love her! I hate want she did to destroy our marriage, but am I just stupid or what? I just told her I was going to divorce her on Monday, so I don’t know what is going to happen tonight. Just stupid and in Love, or what?!?!?!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sure you can love her. But that does not mean you have to take the dishonesty and disrespect.

If you truly love her then set her free. Sounds like you depend on her to make you happy. Being that dependent on another person is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

A good marriage is based on MUTUAL love, respect, and honesty. You have none of these.

Marriage is dead. Grieve the ending. Bury it and move on.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You marriage exists ONLY on paper.

What will it take for you to file for divorce and finally place your dead marriage six feet under??????


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## LostInPHX (Jun 3, 2018)

I've had the divorce papers printed out for weeks. All I have to do it file. I'll probably talk to the divorce attorney first. She acts like it is MY fault!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File first thing Monday.

Who cares what she says, acts like, or whatever, and whenever she opens her mouth, trust that whatever coming out of it is lies.

Just dump her already.

Warts and all.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Let her believe what she wants...
She is delusional (at best)

Let her believe that she is innocent and contracted the warts from the evil wart fairy while she was peacefully sleeping in your arms!

Let her believe that she was ***ing the guy for months while you were loyal to her!


Meet with a lawyer first thing on Monday and get the hell out of this sh!tshow!!!!

Do what is best FOR YOU!!!

And expose to everyone, especially friends and family, including her family, so she can not rewrite the history of your marriage

Just DO IT!!!!!


Be strong. You know you will be better off for doing it, and much happier


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Because it is partially your fault. You are who you are, and based on your actions, your strength level is near zero.

She actually asked you to look down her throat and count the herpes warts she received from blowing another dude. And you probably did it. Wow. Ok. Your wife had multiple affairs, continues to lie to your face, contracted a STD, passed it to you, while still lying about it and you still love her.

We simply do not understand why you had to ask your question, when the answer is tattooed on your forehead. Or on your body parts.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wait, so am I to understand your that she still is denying cheating even though she has an STD? How exactly does she explain that? How long have you known about this that she is so cold about asking you to count her dirty sex warts? Screw that! Let froggy dong do that for her! Geez, seriously?!?:surprise:

I am so sorry you are here. When you have loved someone for most of your life, it doesn't just go away when they betray you with infidelity. It took that long to build all that history, love, emotion, reliance and attachment. You can hardly remember life without her, and you won't get over this quickly. 

Some people make a mistake, come to their senses, and really work hard to deserve a second chance. For those, I think their may be hope. For a woman who is putting forth no effort and is as cruel as she is being to you, I can't see that you have much hope at a future with her that will result in anything more that constant heartbreak.

Welcome to TAM. If you stick around, we have a lot of great people that can help you navigate through this terrible time in your life. Cyber hug to you and your kids if you have them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LostInPHX said:


> The end of March, I busted my wife kissing a _friend_ in the parking lot. I subsequently found out they were having a *very* sexual affair for over 2 months and she had planned on moving in with him. He didn’t want her to. I saw text messages on my wife's phone that shocked me to the core!! I wouldn't believe my wife would *say* those things besides actually *do* them. I've found out more and more almost everyday. She lies, denies, and deflects everything. To this day she denies kissing him in the parking lot even tho other people saw it and she texted him about getting busted kissing him. I don't know who I'm married to! Right now I'm so confused I can't believe it. I really trusted and loved my wife (26+ years) and I have tried to resolve our marriage, but I don't know if I can. She’s not really trying at all. I've talked to a divorce lawyer and he didn’t shed and new light on what I already knew. *I don’t care what she takes and I’m willing to walk away with nothing and start over again.*
> 
> *She cheats and you walk away with nothing? Brilliant idea. Why?*
> 
> ...


You. Need to take a deep breath and wake up. Then divorce her and take everything you can.

Obviously you aren't thinking clearly or you'd have already filed.

I doubt it's love probably more codependency


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If you were stupid then stop it and realize your married to a cheater who give you an std...what is most incredulous is the she keeps playing the denial card, if you keep up taking that more from her you are goddamm stupid time to grow and realize this is a remorseless woman and you need to file and expose her...she need to understand the transgression she has committed.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Guess that your emotions and need for sexual relations are far overriding your personal cognitive rationality!

Lose her like the lying, cheating scourge that she is!

And get into fast medical treatment! With rare exception, most STD's are curable. But I'd be damned if I would be looking at and treating the warts that her OM so graciously gifted her with!

Get back to reality, and off to your lawyers office and get this divorce filed!

Show some semblance of respect for yourself!*


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## President_Not_Sure (Feb 28, 2018)

You aren't stupid. You are making stupid decisions. Love makes us blind. Being married that long to one person can allow laziness and complacency to set into the marriage. Most people, most couples, eventually wake from their slumber enough to see the problems and work together to fix their issues. That is a marriage. What your wife has done doesn't match up. She went outside the marriage to 'solve' her problems. In doing so she has murdered her marriage, your heart included. I am pro reconciliation but I don't think thats an option for you in this situation. Having been through two of them, I absolutely hate divorce. I know the pain and devastation all to well. I am in my third marriage, have two beautiful children and while my marriage isn't a fairytale we are happy. You can find happiness in your future but I don't think it will be in your current situation.

Genital warts are the mildest of STDs. They still suck. I know from experience. My second wife contracted them before we were involved. I knew the risks of possible contraction and had sex with her anyway as we were engaged when she had her first outbreak. For those that will say that was a red flag, it was and we had many honest conversations about past lovers and infidelity. I had reason to believe I may have been a carrier of the virus, as did she. She had enough solid evidence to prove she hadn't had an opportunity to be with anyone else (we lived together, stayed in constant contact throughout the day, used instant messaging during our lunch breaks everyday and she was never late coming home AND we always went out to social functions together). I didnt see an outbreak so I thought I was in the clear. 

I informed my current wife about my exposure. She said it didnt matter as we would be together forever and she would accept the risk. Two years after we were married we entertained an old female friend of mine for a weekend. Too much liquor, skinny dipping in the jacuzzi and the next thing we know we are all naked in bed together. While I did touch the other partner I didn't penetrate her. Toys were used and swapped between partners. About a month later I had an outbreak. My wife had received vaccines against GW unbeknownst to me prior to us having sex. Whether the partner outside our marriage may have passed the virus indirectly to me we don't know. 

I found online that there are acid solutions you can apply daily to eliminate the warts. It doesn't cure you of the virus but it makes the symptoms go away. Takes a couple weeks. Slightly painful since it is an acid on sensitive skin. That will help accelerate the removal of the symptoms. You need to do this and you need to punish your wife for giving you this virus. Punishment should be via the divorce. You need to go full scorched earth on her for this. On a side note, since she has the warts in her throat she is susceptible to throat cancer now. Karma is a *****. Revel in that. Use the divorce to absolutely destroy her for giving you an STD, on top of cheating on you with no remorse. It wont take the pain away but it will inflict proper punishment for her actions. 

You stated you're willing to walkaway empty handed in the divorce. [email protected]$K THAT! SHE CHEATED ON YOU MAN!!! SHE MURDERED YOUR MARRIAGE!! SHE DESTROYED YOUR HEART!!! SHE NEEDS TO PAY FOR HER ACTIONS AND IT NEEDS TO HURT HER ON EVERY POSSIBLE LEVEL. DON'T BE A [email protected]#*Y HERE!!! YOU need to get PISSED OFF. You need to talk tonour lawyer about destroying her using the legal system. She needs to be out of the house. YOU dont need to be the one to leave the house. Seek a court order to have her removed if possible. You may also have a criminal case against her since she spread an STD to you. Different states have different laws. You need to find out. It also needs to be in the divorce decree that she knowingly spread the STD to you. Inform her HR department of the situation. There are many posts here detailing how to do this. There may also be a lawsuit, and criminal case, against the other man IF he didnt disclose the STD to your wife. I would seek civil lawsuit against him at the very least. Genital wart symptoms go away. The virus is permanent. 

Speaking of, the vast majority of Americans have been exposed. Carriers never have a break out. To quote another poster, "dirty sex" has nothing to do with most STDs. Hell, 1 in 3/1 in 4 people have Herpes. There used to be two different Herpes, oral or Herpes Simplex 1 and genital or Herpes Simplex 2. If somone has oral herpes and performs oral sex on a partner WHILE they have a herpes outbreak they will give the receiving partner genital herpes. The virus is exactly the same for Simplex 1 and 2. 

I never wanted to know these things but after my second wife I required an recent STD test from all new partners before sex. The world isn't a safe place and while it can be an awkward conversation most adults appreciate knowing their new partner is clean. 

I wish you peace of the mind and heart. You will get through this and in time the pain will fade. It's a tough road but you have found TAM. Use this forum to vent, to get advice, to help preserve your sanity and to help your strengthen yourself. You are letting your wife treat you like a doormat. A doormat on a poop farm. Stop it. You are better than that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

> Speaking of, the vast majority of Americans have been exposed. Carriers never have a break out. To quote another poster, "dirty sex" has nothing to do with most STDs. Hell, 1 in 3/1 in 4 people have Herpes. There used to be two different Herpes, oral or Herpes Simplex 1 and genital or Herpes Simplex 2. If somone has oral herpes and performs oral sex on a partner WHILE they have a herpes outbreak they will give the receiving partner genital herpes. The virus is exactly the same for Simplex 1 and 2.


I apologize for my ignorance than. I personally chose to marry as a virgin, another virgin, and I thought that protected me from STDs among other things. I was shocked to re-enter the dating world over 20 years later where things like gential warts seemed to be commonplace. Lots of people passing around oral herpes!


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

LostInPHX said:


> The really bad part is I actually love her! I hate want she did to destroy our marriage, but am I just stupid or what? I just told her I was going to divorce her on Monday, so I don’t know what is going to happen tonight. Just stupid and in Love, or what?!?!?!


Forget the love. It will take a long time to go away. You still have to do what you have to do.

As for stupid. Duh! If you take back this unrepentant POS,,,, YES!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Let her boyfriend count the warts in her throat. Holy crap!

And take that attitude to every other aspect of your relationship at this point.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How exactly did you catch her kissing this guy?

Did you see it, and she still denies?

Who else saw it, and do you know these people?

How is it that she still denies but is asking you to check her throat? Has she come clean?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Her behavior suggests that there might be some mental illness issues. I, for one, cannot imagine asking my wife to count the warts I contracted through infidelity. I'd be too ashamed. And she's actually denying an affair took place while you're counting them? Is she expecting you to believe that she contracted them from eating a live toad? I almost wonder if she's not denying it to herself as well, and therefore seriously delusional. If she has family or friends, expose this to her and allow them to take care of her. 

"How do I love thee? Let me count the warts." --Elizabeth Barfett Browning

No-one ever put this into a love poem. You don't have to either.


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## President_Not_Sure (Feb 28, 2018)

Spicy said:


> I apologize for my ignorance than. I personally chose to marry as a virgin, another virgin, and I thought that protected me from STDs among other things. I was shocked to re-enter the dating world over 20 years later where things like gential warts seemed to be commonplace. Lots of people passing around oral herpes!


No need for apologies. Like you, I re-entered the dating world thinking that STDs, or the new STI since its a virus and not a disease med science is referring to them as Infections now, were reserved for those who worked in the sex trade or had countless one night stands. It was my first girlfriend post my second divorce that sent shockwaves through me. It was a short relationship and it just wasnt working so I broke things off. Not 2 weeks later, on Thanksgiving no less, I get a call from her cussing me out. She has genital herpes. I know I am clean minus the genital wart exposure and she already had that diagnosis so we were good there. Turns out she had another guy she was screwing on the side. Not that we were truly exclusive but I tend to follow the one partner at a time philosophy. Seems only fair to the person I am courting. Maybe I am to old fashioned? Anyway, I panic. I start researching herpes. I had to wait to make an appointment to get tested. Then I started wondering if this was some kind of game to get back with me. She text me a pic of her results upon my request. No game. Long weekend of worry and misery.

I came back clean. I tested twice as I dont trust that a test couldn't be wrong. Even after that reassurance of two negatives I met another girl who shared with me that she had a negative test and still came down with an outbreak months later. It took me a year, and a test a month, to feel like I hadnt contracted herpes. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why havent you separated from her? Her past and present behaviour are appalling and you seem to be more or less enabling it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LostInPHX said:


> She lies, denies, and deflects everything. To this day she denies kissing him in the parking lot even tho other people saw it and she texted him about getting busted kissing him.


On another thread, there has been discussion regarding the biblical grounds for divorce. If anyone ever had them, you do.

Talk to that divorce attorney at length, find out where you stand financially, custodially, assets, etc.

Any money in joint accounts, clean it out, put it in your own name only. You never thought she'd cheat on you.... you never thought she'd leave you with no money to live on, either.....

You can give the money back when the judge tells you how much of it.


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## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

I'm sorry this happened to you. The person you love is no longer. What you love is just a memory. Don't stay, odds are if you do you will be miserable for the rest of your life. It will be difficult, but in the long run you will ultimately realize you made the right decision in leaving. Good Luck


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## LostInPHX (Jun 3, 2018)

I think the one comment that I'm confusing love with codependency might have hit the nail on the head.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

WTF dude? Yes, you are being stupid. You need to run away from that walking pool of Herpes ASAP. If she asked me to count the Warts in her throat, I'd vomited all over her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get counseling. See your family doctor and tell him what’s going on. Unfortunately they see this a lot.

Eat even if it it’s just soup or shakes. Exercise. The best is weight lifting. It takes your mind off it and the endorphins make you feel better. 
If you can’t sleep try melatonin or Benadryl .

Good luck. The wife you had is just a memory.

He just used her. It sounds like she is still booking up with him. I say this because she is still taking you for granted.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

I don't know where the "stupid" part is. If you are divorcing her you are 100% wise and doing the right thing. I guess you were stupid to do her "wart search" for her. Screw her, you should be speaking through intermediaries now and not doing health checks on each other. 

Yes, divorce her, go to counseling and start healing, rely on friends, family or church for support and move on.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

LostInPHX said:


> The end of March, I busted my wife kissing a _friend_ in the parking lot. I subsequently found out they were having a *very* sexual affair for over 2 months and she had planned on moving in with him. He didn’t want her to. I saw text messages on my wife's phone that shocked me to the core!! I wouldn't believe my wife would *say* those things besides actually *do* them. I've found out more and more almost everyday. She lies, denies, and deflects everything. To this day she denies kissing him in the parking lot even tho other people saw it and she texted him about getting busted kissing him. I don't know who I'm married to! Right now I'm so confused I can't believe it. I really trusted and loved my wife (26+ years) and I have tried to resolve our marriage, but I don't know if I can. She’s not really trying at all. I've talked to a divorce lawyer and he didn’t shed and new light on what I already knew. I don’t care what she takes and I’m willing to walk away with nothing and start over again.
> 
> I haven’t got to the worse part yet… She caught an STD from him (or someone else). So now “I” am infected with a semi-permanent STD that will take years to get rid of. She is asking me to check for warts in her throat now. I was so humiliated and disgusted counting the warts in her and she acts like it like making a salad, or putting the dishes in the dishwasher.
> 
> The really bad part is I actually love her! I hate want she did to destroy our marriage, but am I just stupid or what? I just told her I was going to divorce her on Monday, so I don’t know what is going to happen tonight. Just stupid and in Love, or what?!?!?!


Ok, so let me start off by saying that I recently caught my wife having an affair for over a year with a friend of mine that I've known for close to 30 years. I found the texts on her phone as well and saw them talking about all of it, feelings for each other, how often they saw each other, what she told me as an excuse to get out, all of it. All of which has also been confirmed and then some by his wife after I told her and she confronted him about it and confessed to all of it, but yet my wife still denies everything, even things that she wrote in texts that I saw on her phone.

So that being said, I know your pain, but if she's willing to have an affair with one of your friends, there is no more marriage and you need to divorce. And don't just walk away from everything, take everything that is rightfully yours according to the divorce laws where you live. She did this, not you, there is no reason to go easy on her. And because her affair, or affairs, have caused you to get an STD from her, check the laws by you because you may be able to go after her for even more since it's a semi permanent condition.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

"I'm so confused I can't believe it"

Get un-confused, serve her divorce papers and ghost her immediately. If you think about it, you'll talk yourself out of it. Just do it. If she loves you, she'll start talking and repent. At that time, you MIGHT regain control of the situation if you act smart. If she doesn't repent and start talking, she'll see it as the "opening" she was waiting for to leave and try to convince him to be with her. I would not be afraid of this outcome, as if this is the case, why would you want her as your wife?

Either way, you will know the truth and that's all that matters at this point. Don't f around with a person in limerence/infatuation, as logic, morals, integrity, loyalty and memory are all gone. Literally, 100% gone . So you have to act as coldly logical and smart as humanly possible. Anything less and you will only add to the pain you are experiencing. Yes..... it can get worse. Much worse. Try to "win her back" or act passively and the hurt will deepen to depths you didn't know existed. The quicker and more decisive you respond, the faster you will get out of the pain you are in.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

colingrant said:


> "I'm so confused I can't believe it"
> 
> Get un-confused, serve her divorce papers and ghost her immediately. If you think about it, you'll talk yourself out of it. Just do it. If she loves you, she'll start talking and repent. At that time, you MIGHT regain control of the situation if you act smart. If she doesn't repent and start talking, she'll see it as the "opening" she was waiting for to leave and try to convince him to be with her. I would not be afraid of this outcome, as if this is the case, why would you want her as your wife?
> 
> Either way, you will know the truth and that's all that matters at this point. Don't f around with a person in limerence/infatuation, as logic, morals, integrity, loyalty and memory are all gone. Literally, 100% gone . So you have to act as coldly logical and smart as humanly possible. Anything less and you will only add to the pain you are experiencing. Yes..... it can get worse. Much worse. Try to "win her back" or act passively and the hurt will deepen to depths you didn't know existed. The quicker and more decisive you respond, the faster you will get out of the pain you are in.


OP.... Totally this ^^^^
They all act the same stupid way when cheating, man or woman.... Dont feel alone or like she is acting in any special way.... They all do the same stupid shht, u gotta hit hard fast w D papers no questions asked 

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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

AtMyEnd said:


> Ok, so let me start off by saying that I recently caught my wife having an affair for over a year with a friend of mine that I've known for close to 30 years. I found the texts on her phone as well and saw them talking about all of it, feelings for each other, how often they saw each other, what she told me as an excuse to get out, all of it. All of which has also been confirmed and then some by his wife after I told her and she confronted him about it and confessed to all of it, but yet my wife still denies everything, even things that she wrote in texts that I saw on her phone.


No mean to TJ but wat heck is Goin on in this world, Cheating has really become a spreading out of control disease, is anyone freakin faithful anymore?? Are those that believe their spouse has never stepped out can even be sure anymore??
Am in R just over 5 years, and doing well but coming here makes me furious, regardless of my situation this stuff is sickening 

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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment. It's typical for the cheater to blame their spouse ...it's unfair and a desperate attempt to avoid responsibility.
I suggest protecting yourself by distancing yourself (no second or third changes).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP hasn't been back for a week. If he wishes to return and participate in his thread he can PM a mod.


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