# Where's the Beef?! Looking for advice...



## Jae123 (Jan 22, 2014)

First, I apologize for the lengthy read, the semi- questionable title, and any grammatical errors... I am really at a loss here and am looking for straight forward, no BS answers... and what to say Thanks in advance for those who stuck out my ramblings...
Five years ago, had you told me I would be faced with this problem, I would have laughed at you and said, yeah right. My sex life was one to be envied, in both quality and quantity. Now, Ill admit, I have a high sex drive, but yet fully realistic when it comes to stress, life happenings and so forth, that can affect the this aspect of a relationship,but this has really gotten the best of me, because 1) My husband and I both agreed the IMPORTANCE of these three things..1) communication, 2) sex, and 3) communication about sex. I feel that as long as you have a healthy sex life ( and yes, sex lives may vary) that all other problems are manageable. So what happens when your sex life IS your problem? THE MAIN problem, and communication has gone all but out the window? Actually, I need to rephrase that, its my lack of sex life that is the problem. A HUGE one. I am assertive but not aggressive, I have made a whole hearted effort to discuss the issue, only to be dismissed, and told Im just complaining to complain. I have cried about it, yelled about, argued about it, fought about it, and fought for it, only time and time again to be told not now, or Im tired, or to succeed only to fail moments later, when he is gratified and Im left hanging.... Im pissed, and am rightfully pissed, I didn't sign up for this, and I am tired of being made to feel like I am wrong, perverted, or overly demanding. So... let me rewind, and explain when I first started to notice a change... Its been almost two years since this problem started, first wasnt the quanity, but the quality. All of a sudden, with no crazy significant life happening, sex became very one sided, there was no foreplay, no touching, no nothing, it was straight to business...the fun began to disappear. Infact the only time I began seeing the side of him that I became AD****TED too, pun intended was when he was a little tispy. So I talked to him about it, I was calm, not accusatory, but was more or less like, hey, whats happening, whered the play time go? He claimed then, he didnt notice a difference, and the next time we had sex I remember I made and active effort to guide hands mouths etc... Then came the two pump jump. All of a sudden in was in and out and over before i even had my shirt off... Again, discussed it, he now claims its me, I just feel too amazing. So I change it up and try to slow it down, but now I am the one getting accused, I excited him too much etc...Then comes and what continues now is the worst, not only is it completely one sided, selfish, zero fun, but the lack of attention has additionally left our bedroom, he is so consumed with himself that I have actually bartered to pleasure him to get things done I need his help with...because I LOVE pleasing him just as much as being pleased myself, BUT still I am denied. i finally brought up the fact that even if he can't have stamina, he can still be with me, and in detail made claims how..but he is more interested in rolling over and going to sleep. I m at my wits end, I have asked him, is it me? I know Im not bone thin anymore, and Im not backing him into a cornor, and its not a trick. I told him, look, I know Ive gained wieght, I can make an extra effort to work harder...and to this he responds, You were too thin when we got married, and its not like your fat. So what does that mean? I tell him, Im concerned that we only have sex once a month, Im concerned when you turn me down, it concerns me that you are more interested in other activities then me? I am concerned that YOUR NOT AT ALL CONCERNED THAT RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE AN ALTERNATIVE TO YOUR HAND, and YOU ACTUALLY GIVE YOUR HANDS MORE DAMN ATTENTION...I mean that literally. He takes longer to wash his hand after goes to the bathroom... SO...any takers? What the hell is going on? I cant do this any more, and I dont want to.. Wheres the BEEF?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My take? He's probably getting it elsewhere.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Does he have porn issues ?


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## Jae123 (Jan 22, 2014)

Thats what I thought too, and I have brought this up as well.. infact I was like, if your sleeping with someone else, at least be honest with me, Im not going anywhere, if you want out, dont let the door hit you, I wont stop you, but if you need someone else, that I have a right know, and not because we are married, its immoral and messed up but for personal health reasons. To which of course, he denies.. I just dont know what to do.. and no, no porn issues, if anything, over the course of 5 years he has increasingly been more conservative.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

It does sound like he may have a porn / masturbation habit that is taking care of his needs. He has also started objectifing you...both point in that direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Has he been to the doctor at all to check his hormone levels? 

Since it used to be different, obviously something has occurred to change him. 

You did say there was no significant event at the time the change took place. 

How old are you guys? (Your thread title makes me think you are in your 40's, lol.)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So he has a problems with premature ejaculation, lack of attention to your needs during sex, and the frequency has slowed dramatically and you suspect that he is masturbating frequently?

Wow that is a huge change!

And he won't talk about it?

How often does he masturbate and how often is he watching porn?


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## Jae123 (Jan 22, 2014)

Mid 40's, lol, my goodness no.. We are 26 and 30 respectively.We are a healthy active pair, just apparently not together  If I had to be perfectly honest, I would say the most significant change has been over the last 6 to 8 months. He is active duty, alot of early mornings, some late nights, but over the past 3 months its taken the worst of it, he wont engage in pretty much any activity with me, it turns into fights, we have never argued the way we do now. I feel like I pretty much live with a roomate, that is never around. He really has no ground to stand on when he acts as disinterested as he does. I never complain about his duty hours, I have always afforded him control and am happy to follow. its just gotten worse, to the point where I said if you dont want to be apart of this, dont feel like you have to stay. If you want to be apart of this, but dont feel like you can give me what I need, then I will wait for you if you need to work on your own thing right now. Im not trying to make myself out to be some martyr- Im just realistic. I believe in order to make someone happy you have to be happy first, and I love him enough to honestly say, If you need to go to do what you need to do, I love you enough to say go... The bottom line, if he can't ( because he is unable or unwilling) make me happy, its not fair to either of us. I will not be happy and he wont meet expectations. Im just being real about the situation, and I am extremely straightforward with him. I tell him, I love him, I love being with him, hes my best friend, I know something is up, I cant put my finger on it, and I am apart of that equation, than he needs to say something. We went into this together, and we can either work at it together or walk away from it together, but all I ask in honesty. I have asked him if work keeps him so busy that maybe its just easy to take care of his own needs himself, and he always responds with denials. He says work is overwhelming at times, and I bought that excuse for a long while, he works out twice a day, so I thought he had a good stress outlet, and accepted his " exhausted from a long day," then he a month ago he started cross fit, in the mornings before work.... so he gets up at like 345am on the week days... Again, not playing naive, I thought ok, maybe he needs this extra outlet, but then after thinking about it, I got pissed, and said, if you have enough time to lift extra weights, how about some time to pound me? To which, I got no response. The more I think about it, I realize if he IS getting from someone else, Im not angry, Im hurt..Im sad for us, that for 7 years we have had a relationship I thought was built on friendship, honesty, and fun, and I clealry am not giving him that,and hurt that he couldnt be honest with me. I love him, I don't want to end things, I want to fix things, I just dont know how to go about it.


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## Jae123 (Jan 22, 2014)

Anon Pink, he was never a big porn person, and because most of his time spent home is either sleeping or getting ready to leave again, I can't really suggest a frequency. Im not stupid, nor naive enough to claim he doesnt ever... masturbate, I can only assume its in the shower... if he is doing it more than one or twice a day, your guess is as good as mine. I think the most frustrating thing is the stark difference the past 6 monhts has been. The subtler changes took place over two years, yes, but I get zero communication from him but 4 years ago I could of said, he masturbates 6 to 10 times a day, and we have sex at least twice away. Honey moon sydrom? hardly... High sex drives are great to come by.. Im afraid he has either found a different outlet, or my drive has remained, and his has dwindled...perhaps he is embarrassed- this too i appraoched him on..is there a medical issue... SEX IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME, if something needs to be checked out, then lets fix it.. WIth or with out me...I just know I am miserable, and it creates alot of self doubt... and Im tired of this arguement with him and feeling as though I am the only one that is concerned.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Is he maybe trying to shift the blame/avoid sex because he feels embarrassed by his premature ejaculation? What happens now when you try to guide him with his hands and mouth?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Exactly what I was thinking, he is shifting the blame to avoid talking.

You have to force this issue. You may be totally freaking hot but that isn't going to make a previously long lasting lover into green school boy...

PE can be cause by masturbation actually. When men secretly masturbate, they want to get off quickly so they don't get caught. This teaches their bodies to shoot quickly, the more they masturbate the worse it gets. It's very difficult to over come but it can be done

I am more concerned about his lack of attention to your needs though. Even if he does come too quick what's stopping him from taking care of you as he used to do?

It's almost like a complete sexual personality shift?

Force the issue, force him to the doc, if you have to call his doc and tell the doc what you see happening.

No more sex until he talks!


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## Jae123 (Jan 22, 2014)

No more sex.... Well thats precisely the issue, Please dont think I am mocking, I really appreciate the feedback... he doesnt even initiate it. It IS like a totally new personality indeed. I dont know why he wont, when I approach it, he shuts down, tells me I am over reacting. I told him that if he is embarrassed, that I understand and I will back off, but the fact that he is completely uninterested or affection what so ever leads me to believe that there are other issues. We used to be incredibly in sync. I wish I could say that its just the infatuation period finally died, but I really feel in my heart that THAT isnt the issue. I think the hardest pill to swallow isnt the physical ACT of neglecting my needs, but the how the neglect of the ACT makes me feel let alone what it implies. At this point, I would just prefer he say I dont want you, because although his words are little and far few between, its is actions that scream loud and clear. I dont think Im ugly, I dont think I need to look better, or change ME, I am quite confidante, and I know what I want. but I dont want to FORCE him to be apart of something if he doesnt want it. I brought up this issue again the other day, and I almost felt mocked, and I endeding walking out of the room in tears. Because he said, " I will try to make in effort to have sex with you more often because as you explicitly repeat over and over, because you need to have more sex." The way he made it sound was so dirty, and not in a fun kind of dirty way. It felt wrong, I felt humiliated, and I felt like my feelings and concerns were once again dismissed. I collected myself and returned and told him, I do not have a need for _more_ sex, I have a need FOR sex.... sex that occurs more than once a month or every other month depending.. that lasts longer for 5 minutes...that isn't you just sticking it in whether or not Im ready, and if you are feeling extra spirited you squeeze a boob before you ejaculate. There is nothing enjoyable about feeling like a substitute for your hand...and on that note, if thats your "effort," than please dont trouble yourself with the burden of doing so, because the last thing I want is to know or feel like my husband has to make and effort to have sex with me." He simply responded with with an " oh, your over reacting and HE left the room." I am very much aware there is an issue, and I feel awful that I keep ending on the, " Im at a loss and dont know what to do," note... But thanks for all the listening ears.. at the very least even if there is no solution, being able to discuss this issue with out being told I am over reacting is a source of relief for me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sorry, but you seem very logical and even handed in this and he seems like he is not responding in a rational way for whatever reason. 

Maybe he needs professional help.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're not over reacting, at all!

He is either having an affair or he has some kind of issue that only a trained medical or mental health professional can solve.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're not over reacting, at all!
> 
> He is either having an affair or he has some kind of issue that only a trained medical or mental health professional can solve.


:iagree:


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

When he changed sexually did he change in other ways as well? 

What was your relationship like when you were first together?

(And Jae, please put paragraphs in your posts so they are easier for us to read.)


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