# Long end to a marriage



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Ok, so this is a bit different I think. My wife and in had been married for 8 years and had 3 kids before any real problems. At that time she started pulling back. Our work kept us at different schedules so we could take care of the kids. She grew apart. As she pulled away, I clung more. Got more jealous and did not want her to have time out with friends. Did not know how bad things had gotten. 2 years later she told me she did not feel the same. We went to counseling for 2 years, stopped having S as the counselor said I needed to wait until she wanted it. And not to ask or initiate it. She told me that she felt like because any time we had an argument I would not give up until I won, she gave up arguing and just gave in to everything. She says i was abusive because when i argued i got my way and she gave up. Claiming that was abuse. During this time she went out with friends everyone in a while but would be out until 3-4 am, claiming she was having breakfast with the girls after the bar.

My reaction caused many issues in this period. Anyway, after another year, she had problems at work, and moved to another location. She feared for her job. We no longer had any contact at this point, and even though I tried dates, movies, theater, ballet, trips and such, she did not want anything to do with me. 
Another year later she asked me for a divorce. I agreed and we have been working on an amicable split for 1.5 years trying to get it all written up fairly. On July 2 I found her phone unlocked and found S text messages from 2 numbers over a 4 month period. I confronted her, she admitted to 2 PA with 2OM during that 1 year period 1.5 years ago. Since that time, slowly everything is coming out. She had a EA with 1OM for 9 months and thought she fell in love. She found out later he had PA with OW at the same time, and she ended it. 
She found another old co-worker and had another PA with him, never having an EA with him. After 4 months she ended it because of no emotions, and no time with the kids schedules.

I found out this week that she started the PA and EA with the first OM before she asked for a divorce. I still feel betrayed, and hurt even though we had problems. I was working on the relationship until she asked for a divorce. It just hurts that she had to find a EA and PA before she could leave me.

Now to make everything worse, I tried to kick her out but she would not leave and our state will not make one leave for adultery. I have been in a pressure cooker since then, and just want this to all be over and done. 

It seems that even with our problems, a PA or EA still just hurts. Now I question if there were more, and if that is why our marriage was failing years ago. I also feel like I will have even more trust issues. Just looking for opinions. I know I stuck around way too long, and should have cut my losses years ago, but I still loved her, and wanted to find a way to fix the relationship.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

No way to fix it. She checked out years ago and told you as much, you just did not know all the reasons.

Just move on. The best thing you could do is live a happy life devoid of the stress and pain she brought to the marriage.

Get the divorce.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So sorry youre here but it sounds like she's been gone for quite a while now. IMO, time to move on.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Divorce should be done in a month or so. Was not going to stop it especially after what happened. Just sharing. Wished we could have saved it before, but by the time I knew there was a real problem she was giving up on fixing it. Anyway, thanks for the support.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

WoW that is one BRUTAL wife :FIREdevil:


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Fatherone said:


> Divorce should be done in a month or so. Was not going to stop it especially after what happened. Just sharing. Wished we could have saved it before, but by the time I knew there was a real problem she was giving up on fixing it. Anyway, thanks for the support.


Im sorry it ended this way for you. There is someone out there that will treat you better. Light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. But I do understand-NOTHING stings quite like being cheated on. I truly am sorry.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> WoW that is one BRUTAL wife :FIREdevil:


Yeah, but she'd not been a real wife in years, had she? If she ever had been...

Sounds like an Entitlement Princess. 

Sorry you are going through this, OP.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

I do have one question. I have not outed her to our friends, as I have been concerned about it getting back to the kids. Some times I feel I should expose her. Others I think I will just seem bitter. Not sure if I should.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Fatherone said:


> I do have one question. I have not outed her to our friends, as I have been concerned about it getting back to the kids. Some times I feel I should expose her. Others I think I will just seem bitter. Not sure if I should.


Out here.You really should. And then sit down with your kids
and explain it ,in way kids understand.. I dont refer to details
and so.More of a general term..Your kid´s will be finding out any way.So its better if it comes from you first.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, but she'd not been a real wife in years, had she? If she ever had been...
> 
> Sounds like an Entitlement Princess.
> 
> Sorry you are going through this, OP.


It never amazes me. just when you think you heard it all
you get proven wrong


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't bother, outing her will cause more trouble than it's worth. Keep your chin up, keep your self respect. She'll out herself I bet, one way or another. Do your best to protect yourself, and your kids.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I think we need to know the ages of your kids to answer rather or not to tell them.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Fatherone said:


> I do have one question. I have not outed her to our friends, as I have been concerned about it getting back to the kids. Some times I feel I should expose her. Others I think I will just seem bitter. Not sure if I should.


You have a right to be bitter. Once you get this hemorrhoid removed from your life,you can start to actually live like a man.
BELIEVE it!


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Start powering up. Let her go. She will realize probably before you both finish finalizing he divorce that you have moved on. Go workout, become awesome, only talk about what is neccessary, and dont talk about "us" or your emotions, only if she asks, put it straight dont start tearing up and acting all emotional, be a cold robot wih a programmed mission to stay strong, calm and under control. Your children need at least one sane parent. Relax, breathe, think things through ahead of time and before you say ANYTHING. So many people have gone through this horror and so can you.

Start reading good threads, or should i say bad threads with awesome OP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not only would I be outing her to friends and family - I would be finding both OM and exposing to their GF/wives.

There is no statute of limitations on exposing cheaters.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Outing can be a protective shield.

It is not uncommon for a WS to tell all sorts of lies to blacken the name of the BS.

How do you stop this happening? By telling the truth. There's no need for graphic details just something like: "Hi, Bill. By the way, I think you should know Ethel and I have split up. Turns out she's been cheating on me and as far as I am concerned, that was a marriage breaker."


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

just wow !!!


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Kids are 13, 9, 7. After living in the same house from July 2nd with the cheater, I am sure they know something.


----------



## Elly73 (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi All, I am new to the group. Could someone tell me how I create a post please? Thank you!


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Elly73 said:


> Hi All, I am new to the group. Could someone tell me how I create a post please? Thank you!


Just click on quote if you want to quote a previous message like I did yours or

click on post reply below post


Welcome !!


----------



## Elly73 (Aug 25, 2012)

Thanks JH! What I am trying to do is post my own story as I need advice. Not sure how to do that? Thank you! Elly


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Elly73 said:


> Thanks JH! What I am trying to do is post my own story as I need advice. Not sure how to do that? Thank you! Elly


Sorry

Go to the forum you want to post -- this is coping with infidelity

Go to the top of that forum

on the top left there is a button new thread


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Fatherone said:


> Kids are 13, 9, 7. After living in the same house from July 2nd with the cheater, I am sure they know something.


Kids are smarter than you think. I'm really not sure about outing to your kids. I think when other men start showing up they will get the message.

As for friends, that is up to you.

One thing for sure, if you are asked "why divorce" by anyone (older kid included) do not lie or cover up for her. Tell the whole truth.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I agree with the sentiment that you should let friends/family etc know because she will villify you to those people as the reason the marriage failed. If you don't want to launch an offensive at least be open to answer the whys honestly and don't pull any punches. But more aggressive exposure may at the least stop her behavior which can affect the kids negatively as well.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry you're here. You need to move on and do not let yourself be her backup plan. She's an unremorseful serial cheater. 



Fatherone said:


> We went to counseling for 2 years, stopped having S as the counselor said I needed to wait until she wanted it. And not to ask or initiate it.


Yet another ruined marriage due to the help of an *incompetent marriage counselor and GNOs*.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I do have one question. I have not outed her to our friends, as I have been concerned about it getting back to the kids. Some times I feel I should expose her. Others I think I will just seem bitter. Not sure if I should.


What's your goal? What's the point?
Start the 180. Detach and move on.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Shaggy is right. And that is the way you leave her and D her.

:iagree:What is truly sad about your situation is that your wife is a coward.

She had no intention of ending any of her multiple affairs. 

She is selfish and a cake eater. But worst than that she is a coward for not telling you the truth and letting you out of the marriage.

So if you will feel better exposing to close friends and family the real reason for her 2+ years of crappy treatment then do it.

But no matter you should move on.

And get your self tested if she has still had sex with you in the past year.

HM64


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What's your goal? What's the point?
> Start the 180. Detach and move on.


Wow, I almost typed that same post word for word.

The 180 is exactly what you need right now, OP.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Not only would I be outing her to friends and family - I would be finding both OM and exposing to their GF/wives.
> 
> There is no statute of limitations on exposing cheaters.


:iagree:


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OP, If you are divorcing, then there is no good reason to out her to family and friends, as it will undoubtedly cause problems for you and your kids, besides, it will almost certainly become common knowledge very soon, anyway. Outing the OM's to their wives or GF's is another issue entirely. I think you should, provided you have proof. Wouldn't you have wanted to know from sombody that your SO is a cheater?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Badblood said:


> OP, If you are divorcing, then there is no good reason to out her to family and friends, as it will undoubtedly cause problems for you and your kids, besides, it will almost certainly become common knowledge very soon, anyway. Outing the OM's to their wives or GF's is another issue entirely. I think you should, provided you have proof. Wouldn't you have wanted to know from sombody that your SO is a cheater?


He needs to erect a protective shield before WW decides to blame him for everything. That is why exposure is a good thing. Then when she starts up with the: "Husband was this, that and the other" they'll be able to say: "But Ethel, Fred already told us you cheated on him and more than once. Of course he divorced you!"


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*Out her now!!*


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

A lot of people around him probably already know. I know that was the case for me.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> A lot of people around him probably already know. I know that was the case for me.


I agree. Everybody in Bugtussel knew but me.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> A lot of people around him probably already know. I know that was the case for me.


I agree ,on what you said. People notice more about you,
are doing, and what not... That is why i said talk to your kids but leave out nitty gryty details


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Ok, so I thought I knew everything. Wow! Wrong!

4 years ago she started a PA with 1OM before we went to counseling. Counselor immediately busted her for a PA when he first spoke with her. Tried to get me to leave her without telling me about PA! Tried to get her to figure out why she was doing it, as she did not have emotions with this OM. After 2.5 years of PA with #1OM, she moved to the other job location, and started EA with #2OM, ended PA with #1OM. Then had PA with #2OM. Lasted 9 months. Ended because he had PA with OW. Went back to #1OM, until kids got out of school. She was not planning on starting again, because she wanted a monogamous relationship when divorce is final. 

Now that I found out thAt the whole time we did counseling she was in PA with OM and never tried, I am really angry. She is giving in to all of my demands for the divorce, opening up all phone accounts/email. There will not ever be a reconciliation, but I am not trying to take full custody of the kids, just 50/50 and splitting all expenses. Not trying to take their mother out of their lives.

This all came out because #1OM has called back and is willing to talk. She knew all would come out. He is cold, and had no feelings, just PA with her. I will have a meeting this week to compare notes and see what really happened before I decide on signing papers.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow...What a c*nt!! She stole more than 4 years of your life with her lies. Expose her immediately. And don't belive one thing she says. Everything she will do will be for her own self.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What an user! 4 years, so much energy, money, time wasted! He robbed you your choices, your options for a better future!
Being gaslighted, abused, not knowing why nothing was working!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Fatherone said:


> Ok, so I thought I knew everything. Wow! Wrong!
> 
> 4 years ago she started a PA with 1OM before we went to counseling. Counselor immediately busted her for a PA when he first spoke with her. Tried to get me to leave her without telling me about PA! Tried to get her to figure out why she was doing it, as she did not have emotions with this OM. After 2.5 years of PA with #1OM, she moved to the other job location, and started EA with #2OM, ended PA with #1OM. Then had PA with #2OM. Lasted 9 months. Ended because he had PA with OW. Went back to #1OM, until kids got out of school. She was not planning on starting again, because she wanted a monogamous relationship when divorce is final.
> 
> ...


And she's STILL lying. 2.5 year Long Term Affair (LTA) with OM#1 and it was just sex, and now now this OM#1 is contacting her again? You do realize how unrealistic that sounds, don't you? And this is only what she admitted. I hate to say it, but the reality is probably, much, much worse. *She has the nerve to say no feelings involved, yet she wanted to divorce you*, remember that? She loved each of her lovers deeply, thats why she was distant and asked for divorce.

She likes to have affairs at her work, pretty much being the office ####. I bet you thought like a lot of men do, that your WW just doesn't like sex. As it turns out, she likes sex a lot, just not with you. This is just the tip of the iceberg.










You had better get your kids DNA tested.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Father0ne:
"Counselor immediately busted her for a PA when he first spoke with her. Tried to get me to leave her without telling me about PA!" 
Did the scammer counselor return your money he stole from you?
If not, it's a good thing he doesn't reside in the middle east or he would already have lost at least one hand for theft.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fatherone said:


> Ok, so I thought I knew everything. Wow! Wrong!
> 
> 4 years ago she started a PA with 1OM before we went to counseling. Counselor immediately busted her for a PA when he first spoke with her. Tried to get me to leave her without telling me about PA! Tried to get her to figure out why she was doing it, as she did not have emotions with this OM. After 2.5 years of PA with #1OM, she moved to the other job location, and started EA with #2OM, ended PA with #1OM. Then had PA with #2OM. Lasted 9 months. Ended because he had PA with OW. Went back to #1OM, until kids got out of school. She was not planning on starting again, because she wanted a monogamous relationship when divorce is final.
> 
> ...


Wow. Wow!

While you are it ask OM why he decided to talk? Find out what she did to piss him off so badly that he is outing her. This is not common when a OM narcs on a WS.........


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I feel for you. What a horrible mess.

Of course, my advice to out her still stands.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Generally speaking, WS will re-write history unless you out her. She could turn your children against you to make herself look inocent in the split. Don't put it past her. Remember what she's capable of. If you value your relationship with your children (assuming you've had them DNA tested and you KNOW they're yours) then you'll out her. At least to family members. Rug sweeping will backfire, even at this late date.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> She is giving in to all of my demands for the divorce


Make her sign ASAP!!! Take adventage before entitlement rises again!
IMHO exposure serves no porpouse at this point. Put an end to the legal matters. IAfter that if you want your pound of flesh or get the story straight to mutual friends, family and alike... fine. Your call. But first get the legalities finalized. *Be smart*. Anger fuel may wrong choices, cloud our minds.


----------



## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

I personally wouldn't waste the effort to out her or anything else. It serves no purpose. Don't waste energy on spite and revenge. Don't waste another second on this woman. She made her choices and now you get to go be a better man without her. You can see exactly what happened now. All the distance and fighting started as soon as she got close to one of her partners. That's what almost always happens with women who cheat. They start to blame the husband for everything so they can feel better. When she is around you it just reminds her of the guilt she feels over destroying her family and breaking the home of her children. It sounds like she's been chasing that high ever since with one partner after another. Personally, I would never touch this women again and see her as little as possible. She's damaged and in a constant euphoric state over her affairs. Divorce as quickly as possible and move on. It will all come crashing down on her one day when she's sitting alone and you're off at the park with your wonderful children being a great dad without her bull****.

The one thing you should do now though is reflect over all the choices you made and the behaviours of your wife. Make sure you own any part you had in the destruction of this marriage (nothing excuses her behaviour of course, but there are usually issues and things you could have done better, even if that was spotting these affairs and stopping them before they started). Make sure you pick better next time, if you choose to have a next time. I personally would never marry again, but that's just me.


----------



## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

CaptVere said:


> I personally wouldn't waste the effort to out her or anything else. It serves no purpose.


As numerous other posters have stated, outing her as an unfaithful wife that has cheated on her husband for 4 years with multiple men does have a purpose. It squarely places the blame on the failed marriage on his cheating wife. This may not be important to you, but it would matter to me what my friends/family thought was the cause of the failed relationship.


----------



## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

here2learn said:


> As numerous other posters have stated, outing her as an unfaithful wife that has cheated on her husband for 4 years with multiple men does have a purpose. It squarely places the blame on the failed marriage on his cheating wife. This may not be important to you, but it would matter to me what my friends/family thought was the cause of the failed relationship.


Yes you do make a point. My friends would know anyway. Her friends I wouldn't care about. Her family though could try and screw me over regarding custody if she painted me as the bad guy. If I thought that was the case, then I would definitely give them the full scoop. Her family and friends are always going to be her side, so it probably doesn't matter in the end. My family and friends would know the real deal because I would be leaning on them in this time of need.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Ok, paperwork is being drawn up ams of yesterday. She is giving up even more money because of the 4.5 years of gifts that she did not deserve. The marriage counselor tried to get her to tell me about the affair, and she refused. This proved she was not willing to try and repair our marriage, and was just leading me on. She is agreeing with any of my demands. All thongs, nighties and sexy clothes, as well as all sex toys are now at the dump, and I made her watch me go through everything. She has started packing, and will be out next weekend. She is going to counseling for her issues. I have explained to her that there will be no reconciliation, as I can not get over the fact she had a perfect time to tell me during our counciling sessions, and it was more important to keep OM. She has told me she liked the OM#1, but over the 4.5 years, he had proven he was not willing to put forth any effort. He was convienant and fun, when they could find time. She always wished for more, but could not get it from him. She even told her attorney everything, and he told her she needed to get help because she was on a destructive path that would leave her alone, no kids, no money, no house, and being used by men constantly. She has no self esteem left at this point.

I am separating myself from her as quickly as possible, and I will do my best not to look back. With the kids in place, we will have to see each other, and that will be painful. Unfortunately I can not change my feelings for her. I hate what she did, and can not forgive her. She destroyed our marriage for a piece of *ss. But I still care about her. 

She has told her family. I have confirmed that, and still have ties with them. All agree we need to divorce and she needs help. Mi outed her to many of our close friends. I will probably tell more as the divorce is final, as I run into them. Not trying to go around telling everyone right now, as I do not want my kids in any of this. She will never understand the depth of pain she has caused, and I think she will be in many failed relationships at this point, but that has nothing to do with me. 

I just do to know how to start over, and at this point, I just want someone to be a companion and give me comfort for what I have been through. Probably in time, but I am not in a hurry.

The nights re the worst, no sleep, tossing and turning, can not stop thinking of everything. Wishing I had been given a chance 4 years ago, and did not waste all of that time in a failed marriage without even knowing it failed.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but I don't. You will be move on. Leave her in your past. And since all the important people know about the affair, take it easy on the exposure. I don't remember but if either of the OM's are married/in relationships, expose them too.

She kept denying you sex while she was sleeping around. Re-reading your first post, this part stuck with me



> We went to counseling for 2 years, stopped having S as the counselor said I needed to wait until she wanted it.





> She even told her attorney everything, and he told her she needed to get help because she was on a destructive path that would leave her alone, no kids, no money, no house, and being used by men constantly. She has no self esteem left at this point.


That says a lot. This woman is a train wreck. Just don't get dragged along with her.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Should I even meet with the OM? I am questioning it now


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Fatherone, it sounds like you are handling this as well as possible. Stay strong and you'll be ok.

I think the kids should be told something because they are going to hear whispers at family events, maybe even worse from other kids. I missed the ages of your children, so as a general statement I think you should tell them that their mother decided to not be committed to the marriage so you are divorcing. The kids should know that the marriage is a separate entity from the kids, in that the marriage is/was between two adults. You and your wife will still have individual relationships with the kids, and the kids should not concern themselves with the problems between you and your wife.

I think it is important that the kids know they are not being asked to take sides. On an age appropriate basis I also think it is wise to tell the kids you will answer any questions they may have.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I think the kids should be told something because they are going to hear whispers at family events, maybe even worse from other kids. I missed the ages of your children, so as a general statement I think you should tell them that their mother decided to not be committed to the marriage so you are divorcing. The kids should know that the marriage is a separate entity from the kids, in that the marriage is/was between two adults. You and your wife will still have individual relationships with the kids, and the kids should not concern themselves with the problems between you and your wife.
> 
> I think it is important that the kids know they are not being asked to take sides. On an age appropriate basis I also think it is wise to tell the kids you will answer any questions they may have.


 Please, do it. As a team.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

We have told the children. Told the younger ones together, that the marriage had ended, and that we just could not make it work. Made sure they understand it was not their fault, and that they will have 2 loving households, and we will both be there for them whenever needed. Explained the timeshare schedule, and how we would set up their house.

My 13 year old daughter we told a bit more. Explained that both of us made mistakes, and that regardless she should not be unhappy with either of us. Explained my issues with control and trying to tell her mother what to do, and getting upset if she did not. Told her that her mother was not faithful, and that I had issues with that. Left it at that, and let her know to ask either of us for any more info or questions if she wanted whenever she wanted.

She did not want to know any more, just that we were going to be supportive of her, and the kids in general. Seems to be taking it well right now, we will see when they have moved stuff to a new house, and have to stay away for the first couple of times.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

Ok spoke with the OM. He's backed off when asked. Answered all of my questions. I am sure he is trying to not seem like the bad guy. But he seemed really surprised, and amazed to hear that we had not spoken about divorce. He claims she told him we were working on the divorce and had no funds. Told him we were separated in the same house. Was scared I was going to meet him at home and take out my aggrivations on him. Gave me dates and information. Told me what I wanted to know and apologized. Said he should have asked better questions.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fatherone said:


> Ok spoke with the OM. He's backed off when asked. Answered all of my questions. I am sure he is trying to not seem like the bad guy. But he seemed really surprised, and amazed to hear that we had not spoken about divorce. He claims she told him we were working on the divorce and had no funds. Told him we were separated in the same house. Was scared I was going to meet him at home and take out my aggrivations on him. Gave me dates and information. Told me what I wanted to know and apologized. Said he should have asked better questions.


Very sad. Your wife really did a snow job on everyone.

She is pretty messed up.

No matter what take care of yourself and the kids.

Is your wife able to take care of the kids when she has them???


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's typical. They lie to everyone, she lied to you, to the MCs, to her family, friends (the real ones), children, both OMs and you. But what is really worse is she lied to herself like a pro. She had to. If she's to recover from this it's going to take a long time to search the lies she believed and replace them with the truth and it's not going to be nice.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

She is a mess. She is feeling the pressure and guilt. She has lost weight, physically ill, not sleeping, looks horrible, and now understands she needs help. I am trying to help her find a counselor. We are completing the divorce, she is moving out, and we will start our own lives. The hard part is I still care about her, and in time hope I can have some level of friendship with her. She has proven that she will lie first, and tell truth only when absolutely necessary. This makes it impossible for us to have any kind of reconciliation. But even with this, I wish I could have fixed my marriage. I would be lying if I said I really want this to end. I want to fix it and make it work. I just do not think it ever will, since I will always wonder what else she is hiding, and who else she is doing.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Its really surprising that you still wish to be with her.............

Ask her to move out as soon as possible, she is broken you cant fix her. Dont allow her to drag you for long and waste your time (already 4.5 yrs gone) energy and money on her.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Fatherone said:


> She is a mess. She is feeling the pressure and guilt. She has lost weight, physically ill, not sleeping, looks horrible, and now understands she needs help. I am trying to help her find a counselor. We are completing the divorce, she is moving out, and we will start our own lives. The hard part is I still care about her, and in time hope I can have some level of friendship with her. She has proven that she will lie first, and tell truth only when absolutely necessary. This makes it impossible for us to have any kind of reconciliation. But even with this, I wish I could have fixed my marriage. I would be lying if I said I really want this to end. I want to fix it and make it work. I just do not think it ever will, since I will always wonder what else she is hiding, and who else she is doing.


You're showing a great deal of understanding of the situation. You didn't mention it, but just in case it crosses your mind, you have nothing to do with what you're goint through. You did more than enough, but sometimes enough is just unreachable.

Be strong, and know that when the kids will grow up, they'll understand everything and will be grateful that you were responsible enough to not live a lie.

We're here for you.


----------



## Fatherone (Aug 25, 2012)

She will be out next Saturday. We are not going to stop the divorce. She needs more time to fix her issues than I am not willing to wait at this point. Regardless of my feelings for her, I know I will always harbor resentment for the things she was willing to do and the pain it would cause, and continue doing them. This is why she is currently in bad shape. She did this to herself, and knows it. She is not trying to reconcile with me. She does not have it in her to even try, and I would be a constant reminder of what she did. I was just commenting on the fact that love does not just go away. If I could hate her I would feel better. Unfortunately, I love her. The fact I have always been a problem solver makes it that much harder to let go, but I must. This is her problem. I can sit here and spout all of the things I should do by logic, but love is not logic, and I can not just stop the feelings. They will fade in time when she is out, and I start my new life. It is scary thinking of the house empty, and being alone. Been 16 years for that. Anyway, one day at a time.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I know how it's excrutiating to see your spouse not capable to just admit what they did was horrible. They're trapped in a plexiglass prison of their own self pity.
And you're right, it would've been easier to switch off the feeling of care to her.
You're being robbed of your closure, it will only make things harder for you. But time will eventually bring it to you.


----------



## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Fatherone you sound like a great guy and father. I wish you and your kids the best. Good luck with moving forward.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow when I found out my wife had a affiar I told the kids next day. I did not want them to hear it from someone else. And if wife wanted to R she need to confess to her friends what happen. We also R and it been a 1.5 years since dday and things are a whole lot better.

I think when you are really open with other poeple the fog they were in dissapears quicky.


----------

