# Can I borrow your life instruction manual?



## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

I wish it were that easy. Okay, here is my particular set of circumstances. Back in July my life partner (female) told me she wasn’t sure she could do this any more. We have grown kids living in the house. There is a lot of work to do. We haven’t had sex in a while and she hated her job of 11 years. This all came out when I asked her if she hated us all or if she was menopausal. (That was a big mistake. She told me that I should never say that word to another woman again). Anyway, I was destroyed inside and pleaded for counseling. She said not until we fix ourselves. She also said she could not stay and fix herself either. August and September rolled through with me breaking down and weeping and asking where our relationship stood and she said it was complicated. Finally she had a place 50 miles away and was ready to move. Mind you, there was no bitterness or fighting at all. She said she didn’t want to hurt me and I said I would do anything for her. We eventually told our kids one at a time. We have a 22 yro, son a 20 yro daughter, and a 13 yro son. In the end I was the one most broken up by all this. My daughter cried and asked why but the boys took it well. So the move came. I did everything for her with my truck. I took time off from work and we got her moved in. The very last moment she said she would walk me to my truck. I had her key to her Jeep on my key ring because we drove each other’s vehicles while together. I had been waiting for her to ask for it back. I pulled it out of my pocket and said “I still have your key”, she told me to hold on to it. Then she hugged me tightly, kissed me twice on the lips and said she loved me. Naturally being a hyper sensitive guy I was teared up and quite confused. The next day she needed help putting her couch together. So I drove 50 miles and helped her. Again she kissed me and said she loved me. She has a lease for a year and right now and I don’t really know what to do. I wear both our rings on my right hand and I love her more than anything. I am getting great help in counseling and understand the importance of fixing ourselves first. Does anyone think this is the end or are we just resetting? The I love you’s have stopped because my therapist said not to overload her. I know that she knows how I feel about her. It’s just hard to stop saying it after 25 years together. We have great conversations when I pick up our son. We hug, tightly and she said she was settled in to her new place but not yet happy. BTW I know for a fact there is no other man involved. She just wanted to be on her own. I just can’t read where this is going. Thanks, that’s a lot to read. 😬


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

you suspect nobody else is involved. Why?


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## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

Well, for one she is a nurse and has been on the front line with COVID so she wouldn’t just go off like that and risk getting sick. Second one of the reasons she wanted to leave was she said she left home and moved in with a guy, then left that guy to be with me. She said she’s never been on her own. When she told our daughter that she was moving out our daughter asked her and she said no, it wasn’t another man and she still loved me. I made her angry a few times because I thought it was another person and I kept asking. But I trust her and have to believe her that this is just a midlife crisis that she needs to works on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe. Maybe not. Another woman, perhaps?

Trust but verify.

She has abandoned her entire family including her youngest son? This might be a midlife crisis. Nursing is a tough career.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Unfortunately, nurses/doctors have a very high rate of infidelity. She could easily be having an affair at work that you'd never know about. I agree -- trust but verify.


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## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

So why would she hug me tighter than she ever had before and kiss me full on the mouth twice and say she loved me when I moved her out? Plus she just started a new job at a busier hospital. Also I know just before she left she purchased her first sex toy. I found out by accident. She wouldn’t need a sex toy if she’s found a new penis. I know she loves me and we both have work to do. The only reason I am here in this site it to get an idea on how to behave in this new journey. Right now all I am getting is negativity.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sorry, not trying to be negative, just trying to offer possibilities (there are a LOT of stories like this over the years here where it HAS been another man even though it was sworn that wasn't the case). Her telling your daughter, telling you that there is nobody doesn't make it true.

If she has moved out and WON'T do marriage counseling, is she at least doing individual counseling? How is she "working on herself" other than being off by herself and blowing off your kids?

I hate to say this but her WORDS "I love you" don't match with her actions: moving 50 miles away from you, no counseling and taking a 1 year lease. The actions don't show love AT ALL. She's saying things to ease OUT of the relationship to make it "easier" on you since you are so upset (that's my take on it anyway).

For yourself, YOU go to your own counseling (I see that you are doing this from your other thread), focus on YOU and your kids, start your own hobbies, and most importantly STOP doing things for her. If she is moving out, let her experience you NOT being around to do all those things for her. She may find quickly that the grass isn't greener when now everything has to be done by HER without your help.

Also, to help YOU detach, there is a thing called the 180 -- read an implement.
180 for Betrayed Spouses (and no it's NOT just for betrayed spouses -- it WILL help you start to detach and get your own equilibrium)


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

She's test driving a new model while keeping the clunker in the garage, just in case.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may come back or she may not. At this point, she may have no idea. You need to focus on yourself and not try to figure her out because you can’t.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> I wish it were that easy. Okay, here is my particular set of circumstances. Back in July my life partner (female) told me she wasn’t sure she could do this any more. We have grown kids living in the house. There is a lot of work to do. We haven’t had sex in a while and she hated her job of 11 years. This all came out when I asked her if she hated us all or if she was menopausal. (That was a big mistake. She told me that I should never say that word to another woman again). Anyway, I was destroyed inside and pleaded for counseling. She said not until we fix ourselves. She also said she could not stay and fix herself either. August and September rolled through with me breaking down and weeping and asking where our relationship stood and she said it was complicated. Finally she had a place 50 miles away and was ready to move. Mind you, there was no bitterness or fighting at all. She said she didn’t want to hurt me and I said I would do anything for her. We eventually told our kids one at a time. We have a 22 yro, son a 20 yro daughter, and a 13 yro son. In the end I was the one most broken up by all this. My daughter cried and asked why but the boys took it well. So the move came. I did everything for her with my truck. I took time off from work and we got her moved in. The very last moment she said she would walk me to my truck. I had her key to her Jeep on my key ring because we drove each other’s vehicles while together. I had been waiting for her to ask for it back. I pulled it out of my pocket and said “I still have your key”, she told me to hold on to it. Then she hugged me tightly, kissed me twice on the lips and said she loved me. Naturally being a hyper sensitive guy I was teared up and quite confused. The next day she needed help putting her couch together. So I drove 50 miles and helped her. Again she kissed me and said she loved me. She has a lease for a year and right now and I don’t really know what to do. I wear both our rings on my right hand and I love her more than anything. I am getting great help in counseling and understand the importance of fixing ourselves first. Does anyone think this is the end or are we just resetting? The I love you’s have stopped because my therapist said not to overload her. I know that she knows how I feel about her. It’s just hard to stop saying it after 25 years together. We have great conversations when I pick up our son. We hug, tightly and she said she was settled in to her new place but not yet happy. BTW I know for a fact there is no other man involved. She just wanted to be on her own. I just can’t read where this is going. Thanks, that’s a lot to read. 😬


You should find out who she is dating. I would bet good money on it. 

I know I am being blunt but move on dude, she has. You can't make someone love you.

If I am wrong maybe she will come back but again you can't force it. Detach and get used to being alone. Keep your options open.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> Well, for one she is a nurse and has been on the front line with COVID so she wouldn’t just go off like that and risk getting sick. Second one of the reasons she wanted to leave was she said she left home and moved in with a guy, then left that guy to be with me. She said she’s never been on her own. When she told our daughter that she was moving out our daughter asked her and she said no, it wasn’t another man and she still loved me. I made her angry a few times because I thought it was another person and I kept asking. But I trust her and have to believe her that this is just a midlife crisis that she needs to works on.


Nursing is one of the highest professions for cheating. Look it up. They think it has to do with the high emotions of seeing sickness and death every day. Like soldiers in war. We are right in the middle of one of the worst medical crises of all time.

When she met you she was with someone else but left him to be with you huh? So she has left a man to be with someone else at least once before. This is part of her MO it seems.

Show up at her new house unannounced. Bring flowers, just check.

Dude we have read this story on here over and over. Most people don't leave a warm bed for a cold one. So many people have written what you did, 'No Way" Only to find out. You will know if in 3 months she is dating someone from her job or her social circle.

You should be proactive and move on.


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## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

Okay, I see we’re making progress. She has commuted 40 miles a day for 11 years from where our house is now. We used to live in a city but moved 13 years ago to a country home. She doesn’t want to live in our rural house because she likes the city. I also agree and if we repair our relationship; I will most likely sell the house so we can return to the city. The new job is 10 miles further and she said it would be better to be there. If she moved out down here she wouldn’t be able to afford the gas now that we don’t share incomes. She has our son every weekend. because I work the weekend. I pick him up on Sunday and we have nice talks when I am there. I helped her in the beginning because we have been together for 25 years and I love her. I understand she needs to do things on her own and I am sure she realizes all I had done for her that doesn’t get done now that we are apart. You also must remember we didn’t argue or fight. We understand we made mistakes and need to fix them. But there is no bitterness or animosity. Yes she is in therapy and so am I. Mostly I am trying to find people that have had a similar experience and learn what I can do not to push her away and help heal our relationship. I have come a long way in understanding myself and I am in a better place. But she is the love of my life and I can’t just give up without trying my best.


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## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

So Kill Me. Yes she left a guy for me, after she caught him plowing a sixteen year old. You guys need to get off the cheating train. It isn’t happening. I think I made a mistake coming to this web site.

Why would she let me keep the key to her car?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

We leap right to the assumption of cheating because it's a very common feature of situations like yours. And you cannot fix a situation like yours if there is cheating going on. So we always recommend that you do investigating to rule out that possibility before you proceed.

Saying she loves you doesn't mean she's not cheating. She says it out of habit, to let you down easy, to throw you off the scent, etc.

Kissing you doesn't mean she's not cheating. Again, it's habit, you're comforting to her, she wants to keep tricking you, etc.

Being a busy nurse in a COVID crisis doesn't mean she's not cheating. It's actually pretty common in that profession from what I hear, and not just on TV. And cheaters don't let little things like a virus get in the way of their affair; they don't let their marriage vows get in the way, do they?

Buying a sex toy doesn't mean she's not cheating. Cheaters cheat because they are on a sexual high. Cheaters who don't see their affair partner as often as they want would masturbate more.

Normal women don't move away from their children for a year, no matter how much they hate their job. If she just started a new job, you'd expect that she would be optimistic about her life improving and stay with her family. If she was dissatisfied with the marriage but wanted to improve it, you'd expect that she'd want to stick around to do that. You can't fix a relationship by moving 50 miles away from it.

Cheaters lie. A LOT. To their spouses, especially, but also to their children, their families, their colleagues, their friends, and their therapists.

Cheaters love to move out and have the freedom to test drive their affair partner as a live-in partner before actually ending their marriage. They just pretend it's a trial separation to 'find themself' to make sure that the spouse is still captive as a plan B in case the other person doesn't work out. Cheaters like to let the spouse down easy, so that they continue to get all the non-intimate benefits of marriage (income, handyman help, housekeeping, childcare) for a while before they announce it's over. Cheaters want their spouse to not know they're cheating so that they get a more favourable divorce agreement.

In your reading around, have you found the concept of the 180? It's a tool to help you detach from a partner and become self-sufficient and self-confident again. You basically pretend your spouse is like a distant acquaintance, while you rediscover your own self. It also means you have to stop being at your wife's beck and call. Yes, you still love her and want to support her, but if she wants to move out and be independent, LET HER. Stop helping her out. Express your love for her and willingness to do marital counselling once, so she knows, but then go offline to her. Don't buy her things, don't fund her life, don't leap to her beck and call, don't have long conversations when you exchange the kid. You wouldn't do those things for an acquaintance, or a fellow hockey-dad dropping off the kid after practice. Don't give her all the ongoing benefits of your love when there is no longer any reciprocity.

So that's my manual for you. Work on yourself, as a man and a father, instead of a husband. Focus on your kids, develop your career, eat healthy, stay/get fit, find a new hobby, rediscover an old hobby, reconnect with old friends, and make new friends. And hell yes, do the investigating to determine if she's cheating.

Lastly, if that's your real name as your username, you should change it to something more anonymous.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Separations very often lead to divorce — for whatever reason. There are some that don’t but it’s not common. The decision to move out, especially if there are children still at home, is obviously a serious one. Only she knows why. The life instruction manual says focus on yourself at this point and let her focus on herself.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> So why would she hug me tighter than she ever had before and kiss me full on the mouth twice and say she loved me when I moved her out? Plus she just started a new job at a busier hospital. Also I know just before she left she purchased her first sex toy. I found out by accident. She wouldn’t need a sex toy if she’s found a new penis. I know she loves me and we both have work to do. The only reason I am here in this site it to get an idea on how to behave in this new journey. Right now all I am getting is negativity.


Friend, there are a few reasons to come to sites like TAM, empathy, advice, others, plus truth and objective views leading to hard truths.

Take what helps, leave the rest but be aware that the hard truths that may be shared are fir your edification.

Ignore those at your own mental peril.

Perseverance is your best friend dosed with reality.

In this case the writing is in the wall.

Pick a reason but you're woman has left you already in her mind and in the real world.

Stop helping her.

You'll be left high and dry when she's ready, on her time table after she sucks all the foolish help from you she can get.

Live now as best for your future. She won't be there soon.

You can do it.


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## BrianUpstateNY (Oct 28, 2020)

I see I have come to the wrong site to gain any helpful advice. It the same when I talk to other men at work. They spew poison like they know every situation is the same. This isn’t. Leaping to the cheating train shows a stuck mentality. An automatic gain-say. I know proof positive that there is no other person in her life. I just wanted advice on rebuilding but I see here that the ideal is to burn it down first instead of mend the broken board. I wish you all luck on achieving psychological plasticity some day. Perhaps your minds will open. 

Farewell


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@BrianUpstateNY, sorry you didn't find what you needed here.
IF you will respond, what did your WIFE tell you the reasons are that she left? You never really detailed that. I presume you DID have a ton of discussions over WHY she wanted and did leave. We have to work on ourselves is pretty thin for deciding to abandon her family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> I see I have come to the wrong site to gain any helpful advice. It the same when I talk to other men at work. They spew poison like they know every situation is the same. This isn’t. Leaping to the cheating train shows a stuck mentality. An automatic gain-say. I know proof positive that there is no other person in her life. I just wanted advice on rebuilding but I see here that the ideal is to burn it down first instead of mend the broken board. I wish you all luck on achieving psychological plasticity some day. Perhaps your minds will open.
> 
> Farewell


@BrianUpstateNY Perhaps you might find the advice you need in the General Relationship section of TAM?

The problem is that the vast majority of people who come to TAM for help when their husband and wife have left them learn that their spouse has been meeting or is looking to cheat. Your wife might be the exception. I hope she is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> Why would she let me keep the key to her car?


It's the only car in the world? She can't have someone else pick her up or drive to her new place? How does she get to work?

I hope we are all wrong and you're right. if not, come back and we will help you then you will have come to the right place. You won't be the first. 

Good luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> I see I have come to the wrong site to gain any helpful advice. It the same when I talk to other men at work. They spew poison like they know every situation is the same. This isn’t. Leaping to the cheating train shows a stuck mentality. An automatic gain-say. I know proof positive that there is no other person in her life. I just wanted advice on rebuilding but I see here that the ideal is to burn it down first instead of mend the broken board. I wish you all luck on achieving psychological plasticity some day. Perhaps your minds will open.
> 
> Farewell


Rebuilding? Your wife left and moved 50 miles away. It was her choice. She wants to get away, not get closer.

Do you find it interesting that both the people here AND people at your work are all saying the same things?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, to Brian and all of the Brian's out there. All we have to offer is our life instruction manual. And look how well they worked for us. The fact of the matter is all of us are here because things haven't operated as per the manual. You keep asking the questions, and you keep rejecting the answers. That's alright. You are in a tough place and the questions and answers are hard to handle. 
I'll not answer your questions. I'll just leave the light on. No matter where you go with your relationship you will always be welcome to come back and ask more, and even reject us more. And the last bit of pithy advice worth every cent you payed for it. The best thing you can do at this or any juncture is work on yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can’t make your marriage work by yourself. Right now, for whatever reason, she’s left you. Maybe she’ll change her mind but she may not. The best thing you can do at present is focus on yourself.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Hello Brian

Is your wife going through menopause?
It's a turbulent time for many women.
If she is, she could be going through a phase where she needs to find herself. Her time of looking after others is over for now, and all energy has to be concentrated on herself.
It's more common than people seem to realise.

She could also be suffering from depression.

If I had the funds I would have done the same. (Mistakenly perhaps)
This need came after my increased perimenopause libido, and I had no intention of adding another person/male to my situation at this time, as it was all about self care/preservation. 
The need to be independent and away from others was very very strong. I had never lived alone before and the idea of only answering to myself was a strong draw.

This might not be what is happening with your wife, but I thought a personally true perspective might be of benefit to you, as it's different from most you have received on here.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry this happened to you. IDK if she's cheating or not. I don't know if she'll want you back or not, I can't say it looks good. The fact that she has mixed emotions doesn't mean she'll come back. If you do favors for her, do them b/c you want to, and not to get her back.

My best advice is plan for her not coming back, get ready to live life w/o her. 

This is a tough time, and you have questions, so counseling is a good idea.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

My nurse wife moved out of her parent's house to move in with me at the beginning of our relationship. In her late 30s she told me that she wanted to experience the independence she never had. She moved into an apartment and signed a one year lease. I helped the move and like you never saw any indications of physical infidelity. That was just over 2 years ago with the divorce being final this past March. 

I obviously don't have much to offer in terms of things to do to "save" the relationship since I didn't save mine. I'm not sure that there's much to save since she's committed to a one year trial run for being single. If she wasn't serious about ending the relationship, she wouldn't have moved so far away or signed a year lease. She may decide to be honest and tell you one day how long she's been planning to leave and why but you aren't guaranteed those answers and she might be rationalizing / rewriting history after the fact.

You can be a good father and coparent without those answers. You should probably start looking up what is required to end a marriage and what the financial situation is going to be like so you can be prepared when the end comes. If you reconcile, it is just some wasted research but 80% of separations end in divorce so you should be ready. It will also help you to get your head in the right place for when the end comes.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> My best advice is plan for her not coming back, get ready to live life w/o her.


Yes, and the thing is, this plan works whether she comes back or not, whatever. Get emotionally ready to be a separate person.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would have helped if you had elaborated on what your marriage problems are. You referenced the grown kids at home and there being a lot of work. What is it she can't do anymore?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Yes, and the thing is, this plan works whether she comes back or not, whatever. Get emotionally ready to be a separate person.


Yes. Obviously if she doesn't come back, preparing for that is better. But I also think being independent makes you more attractive to most people. 

This is getting far down the what-if path, but if you are prepared to go it without her and she does want you back, you are better prepared to decide if you want her or not.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

BrianUpstateNY said:


> BTW I know for a fact there is no other man involved.


Because she hugged you tight and kissed you?!
Is your wife the only relationship experience you have?!
You seem oblivious about female behavior!



BrianUpstateNY said:


> You also must remember we didn’t argue or fight. We understand we made mistakes and need to fix them. But there is no bitterness or animosity


This is when sh*t hit the fan for many women!
Women get bored very quickly if no emotional drama happening!
If you go and read the forums here On TAM or on "Coping with Infidelity" you will find that many infidelities happen when the relationships are stable and no arguing or fighting happening (Go read for yourself)



BrianUpstateNY said:


> I know proof positive that there is no other person in her life.


How do you know? Did you higher a PI?
Did you check her social media activity?
Do you have access to her phone and see who she is messaging?!



EveningThoughts said:


> Hello Brian
> Is your wife going through menopause?
> It's a turbulent time for many women.
> If she is, she could be going through a phase where she needs to find herself. Her time of looking after others is over for now, and all energy has to be concentrated on herself.
> It's more common than people seem to realise.


So *menopause *huh? Tbh I never saw mothers leave their children and move 50 miles away with a vibrator because she is entering menopause!

*BrianUpstateNY,* maybe your wife is not cheating, but people are saying:* VERIFY!*


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