# Always saying the wrong things



## Roxy (Nov 30, 2010)

Me and my fiance when we fight (I usually start the fight) I always say these harsh things to him like he doesn't care about me and that I'm not good enough for him etc.After every fight I usually feel so guilty of saying stuff that doesn't make sense because if he loves me and cares for me he wants to marry me, right. I'm just scared that when we do fight that he will go and cheat on me with someone that will not fight with him. And I'm also very insecure about myself and I think that is why I usually fight with him. I don't want to loose him because he is really the best thing that happend to me ever, I just need to now what I must do to stop these stupid fights were having.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Roxy said:


> Me and my fiance when we fight (*I usually start the fight*) I always say these harsh things to him like he doesn't care about me and that I'm not good enough for him etc.After every fight I usually feel so guilty of saying stuff that doesn't make sense because if he loves me and cares for me he wants to marry me, right. I'm just scared that when we do fight that he will go and cheat on me with someone that will not fight with him. And I'm also *very insecure *about myself and I think that is why I usually fight with him. I don't want to loose him because he is really the best thing that happend to me ever, I just need to now what I must do to stop these stupid fights were having.


These are the things that stand out to me. Boost your own self esteem by putting more value into your self. Work on you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. After you've worked on yourself, then you'll realize that it isn't necessary to start these fights out of nothing. Sometimes we seek confict... just to determine if a person cares or not. Its almost like they feel like you aren't worthy. Stop doing this to yourself and your relationship.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

"Sometimes we seek confict... just to determine if a person cares or not."

This. When you feel insecure, you look for reassurance. Well, in your case you demand it by starting a fight. Not only is that not attractive but there's nothing he can ever say to make you feel better. You need to solve your confidence problems on your own. 

Whenever you feel insecure....learn to recognize those bad thoughts. "i'm not good enough"...for example. whenever that pops in your head tell yourself "yes i am"..don't start a fight no matter how many times you think that. Learn that the thought will appear and you'll have to challenge it by yourself. Prove to yourself that you're good enough. Raise your self esteem by occasionally dressing up, looking in the mirror and admiring yourself, or by proving to yourself that you can do some activity well,...whatever you know might work to prove your worth.


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Arguing is a just tool.

Don't be too hard on yourself, the guilt is a sign you are using arguing for the wrong reason or you have gone too far. Check this out: Making relationships work: The art of arguing


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Words are tools. Before saying something, consider what job you wish your tools to do. "I'm not good enough for you" is a phrase which really doesn't mean anything constructive, so that would be an example of something not worth saying. You fear abandonment. Why? With or without some guy, you are still a valuable human being. He is not your life support system and he isn't responsible for your happiness. The fact that you immediately fear being replaced just because you had an argument means you have an incredibly low self-image. You have to be comfortable in your own skin before you can really give anything of value to someone else. Love can't exist without respect and how can you respect a guy who adores someone you can't stand?  Often times, these self-loathing comments, "I need to just kill myself" or "we need to just file for divorce" or "nobody loves me", especially when said during an argument are just words used to punish someone else for having the bad manners of speaking their mind. It's a way to shut them up and to teach them to keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves. It's a form of control and manipulation and it's devastating to a relationship. 
People who trust each other can disagree (even loudly) without attacking each other personally and without fearing abandonment. Very close teams (Like the military's Green Beret) disagree, argue, and critique each other frequently. They trust each other and these critques make the team stronger and better.


----------

