# The light just went on



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I've been married 30+ years. For the 1st 15 years, my husband never took more than a few days off at a time, even when we had newborns. There have been times he has prioritized the family, but most of the time he works. He has NO hobbies. None. He will read a book occasionally, and listen to a ball game once in a while. Other than that, I am expected to be available when he is home. I mean, if I start reading the paper he will ask me what I am doing and interrupt me until I put it down.

Anyway, we relocated 3 years ago, knowing it would be a temporary thing. It has become permanent, but we can not afford to buy a house here. Our son who lives 10 hours away and his wife had an ooops pregnancy. They are just our of school with hundreds of thousands of dollars of loans (that we did not know they had). They can not afford child care. Since we want to move, it was proposed that I would go and help with childcare and my husband was going to take a new job close to our son. We looked at houses. Well, he did not take the job, he has become an ultra grouch, and now he has simply disconnected. He does not want me to buy a house, and he is going to stay in this expensive city. I think he is just waiting for me to leave. I feel like our marriage will be over. He no longer talks about how he will get to see me or me coming back to see him. He is out of town for a few days, and he calls and has nothing to say. I don't even know why he calls. Last week we drove to see our daughter to do some work on her house. He was a JERK to me the whole trip, and when I said something he flipped out on me. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the trip - well, he tolerated me. 

I feel like I am babbling. I have put my entire life on hold for this man so he could pursue the job he wanted and put in the work he felt was required. He has been quite successful. He is acting like he did when he was cheating. I am so pissed. I am going to a new city, leaving my friends and my community that I have built the past 3 years. He wants me to rent a friggin room in a house. I want a family home.

Well...not sure what anyone can say. He has no interest in me. He really has not for a few years. No sex. Whatever we do is what he wants to do. If it is something I want to do, he gets agitated. Ugh. Maybe just some encouragement or let me know you read this. Thanks...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

So he’s cheated on you, neglected you, and is moving you somewhere you don’t want to live.

Why exactly would you want to stay in this?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Marduk said:


> So he’s cheated on you, neglected you, and is moving you somewhere you don’t want to live.
> 
> Why exactly would you want to stay in this?


Because I have nothing else and I am old. But thanks for making me feel more like a loser sh*t.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No surprise to hear that, unfortunately. He's repeatedly shown you who he is. You should finally leave this time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NickyT said:


> Because I have nothing else and I am old. But thanks for making me feel more like a loser sh*t.


I divorced well into late middle age and created a new life for myself. If you're looking for encouragement to stay with someone like him, I can't give it any more than @Marduk could.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NickyT said:


> I feel like I am babbling. I have put my entire life on hold for this man so he could pursue the job he wanted and put in the work he felt was required. He has been quite successful. He is acting like he did when he was cheating. I am so pissed. I am going to a new city, leaving my friends and my community that I have built the past 3 years. He wants me to rent a friggin room in a house. I want a family home.
> 
> Well...not sure what anyone can say. He has no interest in me. He really has not for a few years. No sex. Whatever we do is what he wants to do. If it is something I want to do, he gets agitated. Ugh. Maybe just some encouragement or let me know you read this. Thanks...


Make the move and let him go. He is checked out, likely cheating, wont have sex with you, acts like a jerk... you deserve way better than this. It sounds like you can have a much better life on your own, without him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

NickyT said:


> Because I have nothing else and I am old. But thanks for making me feel more like a loser sh*t.


I’m saying the opposite of that.

You’re so much not a loser that you deserve better than that. Are you staying because you think you’re old?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

NickyT said:


> I've been married 30+ years. For the 1st 15 years, my husband never took more than a few days off at a time, even when we had newborns. There have been times he has prioritized the family, but most of the time he works. He has NO hobbies. None. He will read a book occasionally, and listen to a ball game once in a while. Other than that, I am expected to be available when he is home. I mean, if I start reading the paper he will ask me what I am doing and interrupt me until I put it down.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm a little lost.on details. Who is living where? Exact locations not necessary, just like son and DIL in city A and hubby in city B and so on. What skills do you have? Education? And the most important question, what do you want from life right now and what are you willing to deal with?

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> I'm a little lost.on details. Who is living where? Exact locations not necessary, just like son and DIL in city A and hubby in city B and so on. What skills do you have? Education? And the most important question, what do you want from life right now and what are you willing to deal with?
> 
> Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


Sorry. We live in city A. It was supposed to be a temporary situation but it has become a perm assignment for my husband. He was going to leave the company, and was going to take a job near our son in city B, which is 10 hours from city A. I was going to help with the new grandchild. Husband did not take the job and plans to stay in City A. I am going someplace near City B to help out. We have a child in City C about 2 hours from A, and a child in City D, about 8 hours from A (in the opposite direction as our son in B). Currently we are right in the middle of all the kids.

I have a technical degree that I have not used for 20 years, so it is worthless. I have done odd jobs, but nothing to really build a resume. Every time I worked, it drove my husband crazy or something happened with the kids, my parents, etc that required too much time for me to juggle work. So, I have basically been a housewife - taking care of all the details of the moves, kids graduating and getting settled in new cities, parent care, community volunteering, every last thing that keeps a house running (everything from fixing appliances to cleaning to investing).

What do I want? I guess number one would be to stop feeling like my life is going to fall apart at any minute. I feel like I am living a lie - like I am an annoying appendage to my husband - like he could not care less. I want to be able to sew in my own home (or simply read a book).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, to begin with you have what is commonly referred to as a marriage of "longevity." There is a distinct possibility that you would receive permanent alimony, not to mention a decent amount of the assets your husband accrued during the marriage. No, I'm not saying this to sound like a cutthroat mercenary. However, you've catered to him for a very long time. If you leave and file for divorce, you may be surprised to discover you aren't going to be in terrible financial shape. I'd advise you get an appointment with a good family law attorney to see where you stand.

Also, I have no idea what "old" means when you say you're old. Hell, I walked out on my late husband when I had no health insurance an had been diagnosed with cancer. Didn't stop me from cutting my losses. And that was 10 years ago. I'm still here. I'm doing fine. I'm enjoying my life. I was no spring chicken when I left. 

It's all about determination. Do you want to live the rest of your life, however long that may be, with a man who treats you like crap? Or do you want to get disgusted and angry enough at his treatment to walk away. You can and will find out just how great life can be if you take steps to disengage from this man.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NickyT said:


> What do I want? I guess number one would be to stop feeling like my life is going to fall apart at any minute. I feel like I am living a lie - *like I am an annoying appendage to my husband - like he could not care less. I want to be able to sew in my own home (or simply read a book).*


I can relate to this. My second husband was horrible about not leaving me alone to do anything! If I sat reading a book, he would harass me... "how can anyone just sit there and READ??", or constantly having to draw my attention to what he was watching on tv. If I got on the computer, he would harass me then too... in fact, I quit working on a course I was taking for medical transcription because he would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE so I could do it! Then of course I got griped at because I quit, that it was a waste of money. If I watched tv in another room, he would come in and b!tch about what I was watching. It was constant. So I GET where you are coming from with this, its life sucking. 

Prodigal has a good point about you getting long term support should you divorce. Something to keep in mind, for sure.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

NickyT said:


> Sorry. We live in city A. It was supposed to be a temporary situation but it has become a perm assignment for my husband. He was going to leave the company, and was going to take a job near our son in city B, which is 10 hours from city A. I was going to help with the new grandchild. Husband did not take the job and plans to stay in City A. I am going someplace near City B to help out. We have a child in City C about 2 hours from A, and a child in City D, about 8 hours from A (in the opposite direction as our son in B). Currently we are right in the middle of all the kids.
> 
> I have a technical degree that I have not used for 20 years, so it is worthless. I have done odd jobs, but nothing to really build a resume. Every time I worked, it drove my husband crazy or something happened with the kids, my parents, etc that required too much time for me to juggle work. So, I have basically been a housewife - taking care of all the details of the moves, kids graduating and getting settled in new cities, parent care, community volunteering, every last thing that keeps a house running (everything from fixing appliances to cleaning to investing).
> 
> What do I want? I guess number one would be to stop feeling like my life is going to fall apart at any minute. I feel like I am living a lie - like I am an annoying appendage to my husband - like he could not care less. I want to be able to sew in my own home (or simply read a book).


Have you talked to a lawyer to find out what your options are and what would happen if you did divorce in your state or whatever?

Your husband doesn’t have to know. In fact, I’d advise not telling him you’re doing this.

But at least that way, you can make some decisions based on what the implications for you are.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

NickyT said:


> Sorry. We live in city A. It was supposed to be a temporary situation but it has become a perm assignment for my husband. He was going to leave the company, and was going to take a job near our son in city B, which is 10 hours from city A. I was going to help with the new grandchild. Husband did not take the job and plans to stay in City A. I am going someplace near City B to help out. We have a child in City C about 2 hours from A, and a child in City D, about 8 hours from A (in the opposite direction as our son in B). Currently we are right in the middle of all the kids.


Ignoring your husband's desires and whatnot, where would you rather be? Do you like A enough that you want to stay there? Is B preferable despite not being central to the grandkids? Or is E where you'd make your life should it be left to you?





> I have a technical degree that I have not used for 20 years, so it is worthless. I have done odd jobs, but nothing to really build a resume. Every time I worked, it drove my husband crazy or something happened with the kids, my parents, etc that required too much time for me to juggle work. So, I have basically been a housewife - taking care of all the details of the moves, kids graduating and getting settled in new cities, parent care, community volunteering, every last thing that keeps a house running (everything from fixing appliances to cleaning to investing).


Having a degree period is a major help. Nowadays employers are more interested that you have one, not what it's in. If it's related to the job, bonus. But having a degree shows that you have the discipline to see a thing through, especially if you got it in the time frame you did. Plus you have other skills from over the years. The fact that you did the investing is a major skill. Furthermore, there are agencies out there to help you. Goodwill comes to mind (the fact I work for them in no way biases my opinion....honestly! ). Their main goal is employment assistance. The question is what would you want to do?





> What do I want? I guess number one would be to stop feeling like my life is going to fall apart at any minute. I feel like I am living a lie - like I am an annoying appendage to my husband - like he could not care less. I want to be able to sew in my own home (or simply read a book).


You deserve that. I'm not saying that you should just give up on him easily, but it sounds like you've already fought to save the marriage and he's not done his share. As long as you have made an honest effort then, as been suggested, strike out on your own. Despite some people's ideas that you have to stay in a marriage forever, there is no need to take the abuse you seem to be receiving. It's one thing to stay with a spouse with whom you can be at least companionable roommates with. But this is not that. The ones that followed your response to my post have really good ideas. But only you can decide when to take your life back.

And I know I am going to sound cruel when I say this, but your kids do not own you and your time either. Not saying don't help out the new parents, but don't let them come to rely on you alone. Many other couples manage with tuition loans and no support from their parents. I watch my one wife get run over by her daughter, being saddled with babysitting even when she had made previous plans. She is still suffering from the abuse of her daughter's father, and the daughter has too much of him in her. Don't fall into that trap. I don't know how likely that would be for you, but better warned.

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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

NickyT said:


> Because I have nothing else and I am old.


You have yourself. And trust me on this, when you start investing in yourself, you find that you by yourself is a whole lot better than you being dragged down by him. You might meet someone better, you might not. But either way, based on his behavior I am pretty sure you won't regret leaving him.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

1. As suggested: talk to a lawyer--initial exploratory visit is free or minimal.
2. Do you want to educate yourself in something interesting to you? Court would likely agree with that.
3. He has been unfaithful in the past and likely is now--therefore he doesn't want to move. Hire a PI since I don't think you are ready to do the work yourself. Sell something if you must. Do you have any reason to stay? Do you need testing for STD's?
4. You have spent your life taking care of family. Your time is now is you wish. Be wary of tying yourself down to grands when you are not happy.
5. Managing a family develops lots of skills--time management, organizational, cooking, decorating, etc.
6. If you sew well, you can develop an excellent at home business.
7. How is your health? You sound possibly depressed.
8. I have done what I am suggesting to you. It requires courage and determination. You do not know if you don't try.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

This may not be very “correct” with my wording, however I will say it anyways.

Your husband should probably be able to cook enough for himself by now, know how to use a washing machine and a dryer and be able to wipe his own a$$.

That baby cannot do any of those things, and it sounds like you could be happier there.

Work out a free rent/food/bit of spending cash while you transition, and go to where you will be loved and treated well and let him sit and be miserable until he figures his crap out.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

NickyT said:


> He wants me to rent a friggin room in a house. I want a family home.


That would be a very hard **** NO from me. You are not the hired help! Although he treats you that way .

I'm sorry your H is treating you this way. Given that, and his history of infidelity, and well, the whole **** enchilada, I would not leave my established home, community, and friends I've had for the last 3 years. 

I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend one more minute with him.

Go see a lawyer asap to find out your rights. I have a feeling you'll be pleasantly surprised.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NickyT said:


> Other than that, I am expected to be available when he is home. I mean, if I start reading the paper he will ask me what I am doing and interrupt me until I put it down.


And you find it fulfilling being this guy's sock puppet? I'm trying to figure out what's so great about this guy that you'd disrespect yourself to _that _extent. Everything I've read in this thread makes me think he's a complete douche bag.



> I have put my entire life on hold for this man so he could pursue the job he wanted and put in the work he felt was required. He has been quite successful. He is acting like he did when he was cheating. I am so pissed. I am going to a new city, leaving my friends and my community that I have built the past 3 years. He wants me to rent a friggin room in a house. I want a family home.


Being with this guy is one of the most THANKLESS jobs you'll ever have in life. And just the fact that you say he's cheated in the past and is acting like he's up to no good again is just another indicator that the writing is on the wall.



> Well...not sure what anyone can say. He has no interest in me. He really has not for a few years. No sex. Whatever we do is what he wants to do. If it is something I want to do, he gets agitated. Ugh. Maybe just some encouragement or let me know you read this. Thanks...


I would NEVER encourage you to stay with this bully. The only encouragement you'll get from me is to call a LAWYER and put this dumpster fire of a marriage out of it's misery and pull it off life support. You're just wasting your time at this point.


PS: so WHAT if you're 'old?' I was 53 and single again and living on my own and LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT before I met my present husband and remarried at 56. You're using lame excuses to do nothing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are being driven by fear, which is understandable. Can you get some counseling to help you see your life in a more affirmative way? It is *your* life, after all, and life is too short, in my opinion, to feel trapped by our own choices if we can do otherwise.

Yes, you have chosen to acquiesce, but after all of your sacrifice and hard work, he doesn't respect you.

You need to be driven by pride and self-confidence, not by fear.

I would bet that he's cheating again.... Why not just move closer to the grandchild? If he's such a workaholic, he can afford to support a separate place for you. As some posters have noted, you will get spousal support if you divorce, which would give you a baseline for your living expenses.


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