# Liar Liar



## vintagebelle (Mar 22, 2014)

It has taken me a week to post this. At first I was too hurt to think clearly and then I was just so angry that I feared for what I would say. Found out that my husband is cheating. Still not sure how far it has gone. Based on the text messages they see each other often and appear to be in love. Confronted him about how his behavior has changed without revealing that I had read the text messages. He proceeded to semi confess but kept back much of what I know to be true from his text messages. Proceeded to then blame me for being such a horrible wife that I drove him to this. My husband is very manipulative. So much so that I know that he has been manipulating me for the past 14 years but I basically went along with it. I have been a passive idiot and part of me feels like this is what you get when you let someone have everything they want. I never argue. I don't like to cross him because I don't enjoy being yelled at and told how awful I am. So I compromise and comply. I smile and go along with almost anything that makes him happy and this is what I get. It is the "I love you" text that he sent her that hurts the most. It is seared in my mind and is making me feel physically sick. I feel strange. I can't even cry. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. He actually has the nerve to lecture me about this that and the other this morning. He likes pointing out the faults of others. Every word he says is infuriating. All I hear is "I am a liar and a cheater". I think if I could cry about it I would feel a bit better. In all our 14 years together I have never cheated or even entertained flirting. If I think someone is getting a little too cozy or familiar with me, I have always done whatever is necessary to make it clear that I am married and will not go there. He has often praised my marital loyalty and loves the fact that he never worries about me cheating. I guess this is the thanks I get. I am not sure what to do now to get right in my mind. I am praying for help.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

So sorry to hear this. Your husband sounds like a true winner.

Not only is he cheating but he is also emotionally abusive. I normally dont post such absolute advice, but consult a lawyer and divorce him.

He sounds like a horrible man who does not seem like he has the slightest bit of remorse.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

So sorry to hear. Gather your evidence, put copies in a safe place before you confront. See your lawyer and get advice. If you are in a state where adultery has an impact on divorcee proceedings you will want to gather the right evidence to prove it in court.


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## vintagebelle (Mar 22, 2014)

Thank you both for your responses. While I have been working on a way to get copies of my husband's text messages, I was able to get him to tell more about what is going on. Apparently last night they went out on a date. Not a secret rendezvous but a full on date in a public restaurant. It was like pulling teeth to find out and he actually let that info slip. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. We live in a small\medium sized town. Anyone could have seen them. I know he is in the wrong but I can't help but feel like a failure and now everybody knows I am a failure. He also says that at this point they have not had intercourse through I know from the text messages that I saw from last week, there is a lot of dirty talk. I know he has been to her apartment. I know he told her via text messages that he loves her. I am on this emotional roller coaster but I am trying to get my thoughts together so I can make a viable plan of action.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry for your situation... You say he has texted I love you to her, and has been to her apartment...you know he wasn't there for tea, right.

Guy sounds like a real winner, as stated above see an attorney ASAP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

wow, i'm so sorry you are here. and sorry your husband is being a real jerk. went out to dinner with her in public? what a scumbag.

do you have children? 
are you preparing to divorce him?

continue gathering evidence and see a lawyer asap.
lots of good info and support around here. plz stick around.


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## vintagebelle (Mar 22, 2014)

I know right. I told him that the idea of him going to her apartment and nothing happening sounds ridiculous. I'm done talking to him about this. It just hurts. Going to take everyone's advice and speak with a lawyer.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

get your facts together and blow him out. When you are ready you expose his A to his friends and family as well as yours. Sounds like she is not married but if she has a BF expose to him as well.

Put his stuff on the front lawn.

Get yourself to a doctor and get checked out and file for D right away. 

Even if you want to try and R with him the D papers will be slap upside the head for him


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## vintagebelle (Mar 22, 2014)

We do not have any children. I am definitely preparing to leave. I cannot see going on like this. He actually likes things this way. He told me also last night that he may someday realize that he has made a mistake and he wants to be able to have me there to come back to. I am stunned by the fact that he does not see anything wrong with that logic.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

vintagebelle said:


> We do not have any children. I am definitely preparing to leave. I cannot see going on like this. He actually likes things this way. He told me also last night that he may someday realize that he has made a mistake and he wants to be able to have me there to come back to. I am stunned by the fact that he does not see anything wrong with that logic.


He is cake eating. Throw his crap out on the front lawn and tell him to get out. He can go live with her. File for Divorce and expose his ass every which way you can. To his friends, his family, her family or BF etc. Do the 180. Sorry you are here. Most who give advice here have been through this. You found the right place.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

vintagebelle said:


> We do not have any children. I am definitely preparing to leave. I cannot see going on like this. He actually likes things this way. He told me also last night that he may someday realize that he has made a mistake and he wants to be able to have me there to come back to. I am stunned by the fact that he does not see anything wrong with that logic.


Disgusting he said that to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

vintagebelle said:


> It has taken me a week to post this. At first I was too hurt to think clearly and then I was just so angry that I feared for what I would say. Found out that my husband is cheating. Still not sure how far it has gone. Based on the text messages they see each other often and appear to be in love. Confronted him about how his behavior has changed without revealing that I had read the text messages. He proceeded to semi confess but kept back much of what I know to be true from his text messages. *Proceeded to then blame me for being such a horrible wife that I drove him to this.**(CLASSIC BLAMESHIFTING)* My husband is very manipulative. So much so that I know that he has been manipulating me for the past 14 years but I basically went along with it. I have been a passive idiot and part of me feels like this is what you get when you let someone have everything they want. I never argue. I don't like to cross him because I don't enjoy being yelled at and told how awful I am. So I compromise and comply. I smile and go along with almost anything that makes him happy and this is what I get. *It is the "I love you" text that he sent her that hurts the most. It is seared in my mind and is making me feel physically sick. I feel strange. I can't even cry. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. He actually has the nerve to lecture me about this that and the other this morning.* *(TRICKLE-TRUTHING)* He likes pointing out the faults of others. Every word he says is infuriating. *All I hear is "I am a liar and a cheater". I think if I could cry about it I would feel a bit better. In all our 14 years together I have never cheated or even entertained flirting. If I think someone is getting a little too cozy or familiar with me, I have always done whatever is necessary to make it clear that I am married and will not go there. He has often praised my marital loyalty and loves the fact that he never worries about me cheating. I guess this is the thanks I get. I am not sure what to do now to get right in my mind. I am praying for help*. *(DEFERRING FAULT~ that is, blaming you for the content of his sins)*


*Vintage:** I feel for you and your situation. It's more than evident that from your H's actions, that he has little to no regard for you as his W. To that end, may I recommend that you, as painful as it may be, begin to employ "the 180" on him, and start to prepare for the worst! You may want to start visiting with legal counsel to explore your rights. No loving wife should ever be treated the way that you have been!

I'm so very sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've definitely come to the right place. We'll always have a shoulder for you to lean on and so much good and viable advice, that you're bound to like some of it!*


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

vintagebelle said:


> We do not have any children. I am definitely preparing to leave. I cannot see going on like this. He actually likes things this way. He told me also last night that he may someday realize that he has made a mistake and he wants to be able to have me there to come back to. I am stunned by the fact that he does not see anything wrong with that logic.


Good for you, vintagebelle. You are stunned simply because this is so far from your code of honor that it is unfathomable. That's a good thing.

Be strong and love yourself.
*hugs*


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Vintage, 

You don't look like a failure at all, your husband does. If you were reading your own story as someone else's, you would think this guy was a totall a$$. 

Most people find when their partner says, "I love you" to someone else, it hurts them the most but you have to consider the source. 

My husband was telling several women (including me), he loved them at the same time, ridiculous....... My husband and your husband don't even know what that means. I'm sure your husband throws it out there to make the OW happy so he can have sex with her. 

If he dropped this woman and came crawling back to you, AND remained faithful to you and worshiped you for the rest of your life, it still would mean nothing when he said, "I love you". 

Just words that have no meaning to him. 

Don't worry about the small town folk, believe me, we all know they have tons of problems in their own lives. 

Exposed your husband and hold your head up high. Let him look like the fool he is acting like. No one respects a flaunting cheater, they look ridiculous. 

I don't think this is a savable marriage right now so file for divorce. Let her have him and I bet you he is cheating on her in no time with someone else and then she will know how it feels. 

Right now it's time for you to embarrass the hell out of them and expose to everyone. Take an dad out in the local paper if you can. 

Good luck. (You'll do fine)


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

vintagebelle said:


> We do not have any children. I am definitely preparing to leave. I cannot see going on like this. He actually likes things this way. He told me also last night that he may someday realize that he has made a mistake and he wants to be able to have me there to come back to. I am stunned by the fact that he does not see anything wrong with that logic.


no kids?
gone like a wild goose in winter.

you don't have to put up with that!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You don't have kids, GREAT... 

*GET THE FVCK OUT*

RUN WOMAN, RUN...

Then date any of his single friends that might have peeked your interest.. 
Date his younger co-workers..

Trust me you will crush him.. I'm a guy and I am telling you it will crush him.. I'm just happy my Ex left me for half a retard.. At least when people see this man I get the, she left YOU for HIM ?? Is he a midget ?? How OLD is he ??

Kids make this stuff SOOOOOOOOOO complicated.. Again I have 2 so I know.. 

Look unless your in one of these states that adultery matters then I don't see the need for the text messages personally. 

Look you caught him. Do you really give a sh1t if his family calls you and says your lying and used that as an excuse to leave him ?.. 

Anything you own will be split 50/50, you have no kids.. Unless you think shaming him or using his guilt against him will give you the upper hand.. 

Trust me Guilt and shame is a power tool, do not under estimate them. 

Personally when I realized I could not save my marriage, I went into protection mode.. 

I walked away with my kids, my pension, my home and I am a man.. My ex walked away with 55k.. 

If you want this then you need to see if he wants to still be married.. If so then fix this.. Do the standard no contact letter and outing him and her to everyone they know.. 

If you don't then skip the no contact, Out them both to shame them and let people know what a piece of garbage they both are and move on.. 

Again kids really put a big spin on this.. Your fortunate not to have this issue..


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## vintagebelle (Mar 22, 2014)

I really want to thank everyone for the support and solid advice. You guys have helped me to grow a backbone. I have been so acquiescent throughout our relationship, he will just not see me standing up for myself coming. It will hit him like a ton of bricks and after what I read tonight (sneaked his phone again and read more of his dumb love talk. They talk that crap all day.) I am looking forward to it.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

vintagebelle said:


> I really want to thank everyone for the support and solid advice. You guys have helped me to grow a backbone. I have been so acquiescent throughout our relationship, he will just not see me standing up for myself coming. It will hit him like a ton of bricks and after what I read tonight (sneaked his phone again and read more of his dumb love talk. They talk that crap all day.) I am looking forward to it.



it might be helpful for you to write a loose script to help you keep on track when you confront him again this role is new to you and he's used to being the manipulator. i know you are strong enough and i don't think he'll be changing your mind, it's just that if there are things you want to make sure you say, jot them down first.

my script would be short. two sentences, four words. starting with fvck, ending with leaving 

plz check back in!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

cool12 said:


> my script would be short. two sentences, four words. starting with fvck, ending with leaving


Love the script Cool12.

Vintagebelle from what you have described I do not think your marriage is salveable or indeed worth saving. 

Any WS who would say to BS that he might discover he has made a mistake and would like BS to be there for him as well as his intimidatory tactics in your marriage which this statement clearly shows. . . any such WS is a jerk, a jacka$$, a pig, in short a cruel human being. I wouldn't want to see ANYONE married to him. 

But OW doesn't know him yet now does she. He will intimidate her also. Right now they are in the fog but when it clears she will be left with exactly the man you had. Her day will come. 

I know what you mean when you said he is always criticising others - my WS was the same - as if they were somehow superior. It's sickening. 

I'm so glad you don't have children. Please don't even think about taking on any of this. It is NOT your fault. He did this because he's a jerk - plain and simple. It has nothing to do with you. 

My advice would be to act very swiftly - give him the D papers like yesterday. Are you able to support yourself financially?

Even if you did stay with him, as a poster said, every time he said "I love you", you would just cringe. 

Out him to everyone. Self-satisfied and arrogant people like him who like to criticise everyone absolutely hate to be exposed. If people ask you about him just say you didn't marry an honourable man after all. They will gossip about it for a day or so in your small town but soon they will gossip about something else. It's how gossip works. So don't be afraid of it and yes, hold your head high.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Vintagebelle, I feel for you. Listen to the people here. They know what they are talking about. They have helped me through my situation as well. 

I know it's difficult when it seems like an "all or nothing" decision. But he doesn't respect you as a human being right now. And because of that he won't come back to you as the person you might be hoping for. See him as gone and start looking ahead.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You know, Athol needs to write a book -- Married Woman's Sex Life Primer...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vintagebelle,

Update?

How are you doing?


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## Joka (May 15, 2014)

I am sorry, I know the pain you are going through. I think they tech this stuff in arrogance school. My STBXW is similar. Don't believe anything that comes out of their mouth no matter how convincing. They are skilled liars. No sex my a$$. Do a 180 and get on with your self. It has worked wonders for me and getting my self esteem back. At some point you will almost enjoy watching their transformation at how they interact with you once they get the idea that they are not the center of your universe anymore. Good luck to you and always, always stay strong and true to yourself.


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. The fact that you cannot cry is common when an infidelity is exposed. There can be a post-traumatic effect from hearing such threatening news. It is normal to be in shock and this is why you may feel numb and cannot cry. It is important at this time for you to find support and comfort from family, or friends. If you don’t want to share this information with them, then getting support from a therapist,crisis call center,or pastor may be the most confidential way to begin processing how these events are effecting you. Here is a good book resource that may help you to understand what you are, and will continue to go through in the weeks to come. Be compassionate with yourself as you go through this difficult time and don’t lose hope you can get through this.

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity


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