# 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.



## manindespair

*6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Hi, I am totally new to this so please forgive me if I get this a little wrong but I am sure I will learn as I got on!

About 2 months ago my wife and I had a bit of a row, nothing major but she suddenly went totally COLD on me and said she needed space. I was totally shattered as I had always thought we were soul mates and that we would be together forever. she told me I was controlling and she had a void in her life and was not happy.

We have been together for 14 years and have 3 children. 2 of these are from my wife previous relationship. 19 year old from an old boyfriend, 16 year old from previous marriage and a 7 year old from our relationship.

My wife is 38 and so am I and when we got together I took on the children like they were my own - for all intents and purposes they are my children and I have never thought or acted any different.

After 2 week of space-ish (, 4 - 5 days away by her and 4 by me) I told her I was moving back in because we couldn't get anywhere without communication. Things weren't right and she was still so cold and we were getting no-where so on the 1st May I confronted her about my belief that she had been having an affair, where emotionally or physically I did not know but knew something was going on.

She admitted that she had had a 6 week affair with a guy from the gym (someone that I also knew). To be honest, I wasn't angry but relieved as I has suspected this for a long time and I finally found out the truth.

That night we had massive conversations and she begged me for forgiveness. Turned out that she had been sleeping with him when she was in the hotel whilst having 'space' but he had dumped her the weekend before I found out. She told me that she wanted us, me, our family, our new home, everything so I made a mistake and trusted her words.... forgave her! 

she later explained that she felt hurt and rejected from being dumped which I understood. In my eyes, i had forgave her so would be there to support the issues mentally this gave her - she was shocked by my understanding.

NOW... she has gone back on all her words. show no remorse and says she is not sure she wants us or that we will make it through. She is acting like I am the enemy and that she is the one in control.

In my eyes she is now bullying me.... we get on well for a while and then she batters me down to get control again saying she doesn't know what she wants.

Today... I found the 180..... does this stuff really work?

I really do love her and our life but I feel like a broken person at the moment.


4) Length of the affair
5) D-Day or when the affair was discovered by the BS
6) How did you find out ?
7) Identity of the OM/OW (Work colleague, family friend etc)
9) WS's current stance on the situation.
10) What do you want to do ?


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## thatbpguy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

The fact she waited until she was dumped by her lover and then wanted to try and work things out suggests she really doesn't love you at all. 

I suggest a 60-day trial separation. See what the two of you really want out of all this and go from there.


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## PBear

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

The 180 should be used for you. It's to help you prepare to move on. It MIGHT make her realize what she's giving up, but that's a by-product that likely won't be realized if you're doing it just to get her to change her mind. 

My 0.02. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



thatbpguy said:


> The fact she waited until she was dumped by her lover and then wanted to try and work things out suggests she really doesn't love you at all.
> 
> 
> To be honest the only reason I found out was because I kept on at her to tell me the truth. I said I knew something had happened and it was best to tell me the truth now than waste weeks more time!!!


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

PBear so in your opinion there is no real hope? The 180 is not to help her realise but just to sort myself out?

Is your though this because of how she is acting now?


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## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

What is it with women at the gym lately? Need to keep my wife out of the gyms.

The 180 is to help you strike your own independence. To prove to yourself and to others that you can be stronger on your own. Side effect is sometimes you then become more desirable to your spouse (and others).

Sounds like you are plan B, after Meathead dumped her.

Does she have a history of infidelity? Boyfriend 1 - husband 1 - husband 2?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Is the other guy married or have a gf?
If so expose today.
Use a little reverse psychology on her you now what you are right I'll get the paperwork for d going act happy fake it if you have to.
Take that power away from her.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

It could very well be that she wants you only because the other guy dumped her on her @$$. Be very mindful of this going forward.


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## Openminded

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

She got dumped. And decided she wanted you back. Then didn't. Maybe he's back in her life. 

The 180 is not to get her back. It could have that result or it might not. It's for you.


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## PBear

manindespair said:


> PBear so in your opinion there is no real hope? The 180 is not to help her realise but just to sort myself out?
> 
> Is your though this because of how she is acting now?


No, I'm saying that IF you do the 180, do it to help you distance yourself from her and make you ready for a life with or without her. It will put you into a better place to make a rational decision, most likely. Don't do it if you're just trying to manipulate her. Most people aren't good enough actors to pull that off. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> What is it with women at the gym lately? Need to keep my wife out of the gyms.
> 
> The 180 is to help you strike your own independence. To prove to yourself and to others that you can be stronger on your own. Side effect is sometimes you then become more desirable to your spouse (and others).
> 
> Sounds like you are plan B, after Meathead dumped her.
> 
> Does she have a history of infidelity? Boyfriend 1 - husband 1 - husband 2?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
It's getting down right scary.


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## Thorburn

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Brother, you need to grow some. As long as you are passive, forgiving and continue to act like you are acting, there is no hope whatsoever. 

You have given her no consequences. 

She has no respect for you, none at all.


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

OP I'm not blaming you but this happens often when one marries a woman with children from other men you have become the"beta provider" unfortunately this happens quite often.


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## thatbpguy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> What is it with women at the gym lately? Need to keep my wife out of the gyms.


That's what I did. Bought her a good quality elliptical, a few visits from a FEMALE personal trainer and no more gyms (or Jims).


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

The 180 is most effectively used when the primary goal is for the BS (i.e. "betrayed spouse"; in this case, you) to detach from his or her WS (i.e. "wayward spouse"; in this case, your wife). A side effect that is often seen, however, is that the WS begins to hit rock bottom and then truly realize that he or she has risked for the sake of some sexual or emotional gratification received outside of the marriage.

Is the 180 passive-aggressive? To a degree, yes. But the point is for the BS to get to a place where he or she is largely indifferent about the daily goings-on of the WS.

Make no mistake -- the effectiveness of the 180 w/ respect to successfully bringing a wayward back into the marriage is somewhat situational and, as such, will not always have that desired effect. Given the background that you've provided, however, it may very well work for you... But only if used properly. Don't do a [email protected]$$ed 180, because that will backfire damn near every time.


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## PBear

Thorburn said:


> Brother, you need to grow some. As long as you are passive, forgiving and continue to act like you are acting, there is no hope whatsoever.
> 
> You have given her no consequences.
> 
> She has no respect for you, none at all.


+1. This is another aspect that may influence your spouse. Not standing up for yourself leads to a lack of respect from them. And it's hard to love someone you don't respect. 

You could also try reading the "no more mr. Nice guy" and "married mans sex life primer". While they may not fix this marriage, it might help in the future. Just see if they apply. I'm not saying they will. 

But again, these things need to be done for YOUR sake, not to manipulate her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Sounds like you are plan B, after Meathead dumped her.

Does she have a history of infidelity? Boyfriend 1 - husband 1 - husband 2?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

That my worry and the fact she is not fighting for me is really telling a story.

Husband 1 - yes
I am husband 2 so YES:scratch head:


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> Is the other guy married or have a gf?
> If so expose today.
> Use a little reverse psychology on her you now what you are right I'll get the paperwork for d going act happy fake it if you have to.
> Take that power away from her.


did that a few weeks ago and she didn't want it. Also said about cancelling the house move and she won't go forward with the cancellation either.

She just keeps saying he is not sure she loves me as a husband.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> That my worry and the fact she is not fighting for me is really telling a story.
> 
> Husband 1 - yes
> I am husband 2 so YES:scratch head:


Wait... So, did she cheat on her first husband w/ you?


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> did that a few weeks ago and she didn't want it. Also said about cancelling the house move and she won't go forward with the cancellation either.
> 
> She just keeps saying he is not sure she loves me as a husband.


Have you actually purchased the new home already? If not, put the brakes on that deal.

Seriously, you don't need to be dealing w/ that sh*t right now.


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## PBear

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Why is she getting to chose what happens next? Maybe she's not fighting for you because she doesn't have to. Start taking control of your destiny. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> It's getting down right scary.


lol.... tell me about it!!!! to be honest her brother also did it to his wife. Her mum did it in the past to her dad. Her f'in grandad did it to her nan.....

I am living in a strange world but it hurts so much


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> OP I'm not blaming you but this happens often when one marries a woman with children from other men you have become the"beta provider" unfortunately this happens quite often.


this is interesting to know. truth is I love my family so much but I am getting some hard truth here.


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

If you a joint bank acct. take half out and set one up in your name only so she can't clean you out.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Thorburn said:


> Brother, you need to grow some. As long as you are passive, forgiving and continue to act like you are acting, there is no hope whatsoever.
> 
> You have given her no consequences.
> 
> She has no respect for you, none at all.





PBear said:


> Why is she getting to chose what happens next? Maybe she's not fighting for you because she doesn't have to. Start taking control of your destiny.





manindespair said:


> this is interesting to know. truth is I love my family so much but I am getting some hard truth here.


Dude, seriously... The very next thing that you should say to her is... "Where did you leave the jar that my balls are in?"

This is assuming, of course, that you can't find it for yourself. Either way, *take them back*.



manindespair said:


> She admitted that she had had a 6 week affair with a guy from the gym (someone that I also knew). To be honest, *I wasn't angry but relieved* as I has suspected this for a long time and I finally found out the truth.


Are you f*cking kidding me?!? *GET ANGRY!!!*


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## Jasel

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I wish betrayed spouses would realize Instaforgiving their cheating spouses and immediately offering to work on the marriage is a recipe for disaster more often than not.


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## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> did that a few weeks ago and she didn't want it. Also said about cancelling the house move and she won't go forward with the cancellation either.
> 
> She just keeps saying he is not sure she loves me as a husband.


What did you do a few weeks ago? Do you mean you had divorce papers? Or mentioned divorce? 

If you want a divorce it does not matter if she wants it. 

If you want to cancel the house move it does not matter if she wants to cancel it or not.

Both of the above you can do all on your own. You have giving her all the control here. What do you want? Do that. At this point she is not giving you any reason to continue this marriage.

If she thinks that your are seriously going to divorce her and cancel the move/house she might snap out of this nonsense.


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## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> this is interesting to know. truth is I love my family so much but I am getting some hard truth here.


That was someone's opinion not fact.


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## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Have you exposed the affair to the guy's wife?


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## Noble1

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Like you and other have said, the 180 is not for her - its for you.

You will need to get yourself back together and really decide what you want.

Remember that you are in no way responsible for her affair - you are likely 50% responsible for the state of the marriage but your wife's decision to go out and cheat on you and the marriage is all on her.

Remember that taking her back is gift you are giving her. She really needs to do a lot of the work in getting the relationship back.

Check out posts by Weightlifter to get a general idea on on to get a handle on the information you might find useful - on how to get information.

Sorry to read about your situation.

Keep strong and good luck.


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## PhillyGuy13

manindespair said:


> Sounds like you are plan B, after Meathead dumped her.
> 
> Does she have a history of infidelity? Boyfriend 1 - husband 1 - husband 2?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That my worry and the fact she is not fighting for me is really telling a story.

Husband 1 - yes
I am husband 2 so YES:scratch head:[/QUOTE]

Looking for clarification - how did the relationships with the fathers of her first two kids end? Was infidelity involved in any cases?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> The 180 is most effectively used when the primary goal is for the BS (i.e. "betrayed spouse"; in this case, you) to detach from his or her WS (i.e. "wayward spouse"; in this case, your wife). A side effect that is often seen, however, is that the WS begins to hit rock bottom and then truly realize that he or she has risked for the sake of some sexual or emotional gratification received outside of the marriage.
> 
> Is the 180 passive-aggressive? To a degree, yes. But the point is for the BS to get to a place where he or she is largely indifferent about the daily goings-on of the WS.
> 
> Make no mistake -- the effectiveness of the 180 w/ respect to successfully bringing a wayward back into the marriage is somewhat situational and, as such, will not always have that desired effect. Given the background that you've provided, however, it may very well work for you... But only if used properly. Don't do a [email protected]$$ed 180, because that will backfire damn near every time.


Thanks for this honest explanation. To be honest I was sitting here wondering if there was any point even thinking there there could be a comfortable resolution to all this.

I am someone that goes by my gut and it has never really backfired. My wife has always been an attention seeker but she was absolutely great until she hit about 34 / 35 where to be honest it seemed she had a midlife crisis. Since then it has been more and more of a struggle and she is harder and harder to please.

My gut tells me that she wants me and the girls and our lovely life but she has f'd up and doesn't know how to get herself out of it. In her eyes attack is the easiest option and the only one she can control.


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> Wait... So, did she cheat on her first husband w/ you?


No..... I found out after I was with her that he cheated on her first husband with someone else. Just a quick affair.

She split up with her first husband because he treated his own daughter like a princess and the eldest one (the one that wasn't his) like a piece of [email protected]


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PBear said:


> Why is she getting to chose what happens next? Maybe she's not fighting for you because she doesn't have to. Start taking control of your destiny.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is why I started looking at 180. I have spent weeks hurting inside and feeling out of control. It's only today I have started to look at a way to make myself strong again.

I am a decent bloke that does anything for everyone but I guess "familiarity breeds contempt"


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## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

For a thousand and one reasons, DO NOT under any circumstances put pen to paper and buy a new house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> If you a joint bank acct. take half out and set one up in your name only so she can't clean you out.


Did that the day I found out she had been cheating. I left an equal amour in her account and my account.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Thanks for this honest explanation. To be honest I was sitting here wondering if there was any point even thinking there there could be a comfortable resolution to all this.
> 
> I am someone that goes by my gut and it has never really backfired. My wife has always been an attention seeker but she was absolutely great until she hit about 34 / 35 where to be honest it seemed she had a midlife crisis. Since then it has been more and more of a struggle and she is harder and harder to please.
> 
> My gut tells me that she wants me and the girls and our lovely life but she has f'd up and doesn't know how to get herself out of it. In her eyes attack is the easiest option and the only one she can control.


She sounds like a classic cake-eater... she wants to have her cake and to eat it too. She wants to be able to have the house, the kids, the life, _*and for you to provide it all*_ while she's out and about banging gym guy. And hey, now that you know about it, if you could just STFU and be cool w/ that arrangement, she'd love that, too. But since you obviously aren't (shame on you, right), she's using you as a verbal punching bag since she doesn't have any sort of tangible way to kick her own guilty conscience square in the tits.

Also, she may be pushing you away because gym guy is sniffing around again.

Is she hiding her phone, tablet, or computer from you? Any passwords (for social media and/or e-mail accounts) that you don't have?

What, if anything, has she offered to do _of her own accord_ to help you to get over her betrayal? Sounds like nothing.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Did that the day I found out she had been cheating. I left an equal amour in her account and my account.


Make sure that you re-direct any direct deposits that you may get from your employer to your new account.


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## PBear

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Well, so long as she only had a quick affair...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> For a thousand and one reasons, DO NOT under any circumstances put pen to paper and buy a new house.


Agreed! Don't do this! No new house, no new car, no new anything until this sh*t is settled, and that may take months, if not years.

Oh and by the way... if, when you tell her that you're canceling the purchase of the new home, she tells you that she's leaving or whatever, tell her that she knows where the front f*cking door is, along w/ where her car is parked. By the way, this means that you're not going anywhere. Nut up!

Any marriage counseling? Individual counseling for either of you?


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> Dude, seriously... The very next thing that you should say to her is... "Where did you leave the jar that my balls are in?"
> 
> This is assuming, of course, that you can't find it for yourself. Either way, *take them back*.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you f*cking kidding me?!? *GET ANGRY!!!*


Since then I have got angry.... told her last night that I have no trust for her anymore and she hasn't stopped lying to me. 

The issue is every time I do get angry, she puts a barrier up and nothing gets thru. It's a f'in joke but the thing is I love my family so much. If it want for the kids I would 100% be gone but it is still so raw.

I do love her.... I also at this moment hate her. In 180 it says that stop telling her because at the moment there isn't anything to love.... I totally agree. I am struggling to find what I love her for but I am scared to lose my family unit that has kept me strong for so long!


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

If it hasn't been said get tested for STDs asap.


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Jasel said:


> I wish betrayed spouses would realize Instaforgiving their cheating spouses and immediately offering to work on the marriage is a recipe for disaster more often than not.


Think I am starting to realise this. To be honest before today I hadn't even looked at a website like this but I whole heartedly wish I hadn't instantly forgiven her.... I am an idiot but I can't change that now.

She has manipulated me and I don't know what to do. Like I said... I have a 7 year old upstairs at the moment that is such a happy little thing and I don't want her growing up in a broken home


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## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Think I am starting to realise this. To be honest before today I hadn't even looked at a website like this but I whole heartedly wish I hadn't instantly forgiven her.... I am an idiot but I can't change that now.
> 
> She has manipulated me and I don't know what to do. Like I said... I have a 7 year old upstairs at the moment that is such a happy little thing and I don't want her growing up in a broken home


She broke the home not you.


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



EleGirl said:


> What did you do a few weeks ago? Do you mean you had divorce papers? Or mentioned divorce?
> 
> If you want a divorce it does not matter if she wants it.
> 
> If you want to cancel the house move it does not matter if she wants to cancel it or not.
> 
> Both of the above you can do all on your own. You have giving her all the control here. What do you want? Do that. At this point she is not giving you any reason to continue this marriage.
> 
> If she thinks that your are seriously going to divorce her and cancel the move/house she might snap out of this nonsense.


Right.... this makes sense but the truth is I don't want divorce... I want my family.

The home was a dream home that our whole family fell in love with... of course its hard to let it go.

I want her to snap out of it... I want my family and honestly I want the home. 

I feel like a fool that has given her the control and doesn't know what to do....!


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Look, I'm not saying that you should be outwardly or demonstratively angry w/ her anytime that you speak w/ her. That will seldom yield the results that you're looking for, as you now know.

But yes, be angry. Let the anger, along w/ your desire to keep your family intact (I'm assuming, of course, that this is what you want...?), motivate you.

Be calm when you speak w/ her, but speak firmly. Don't cower at her words, even if they hint at the threat of divorce. If you tend to lose track or get off point during your conversations, maybe think about what you want to say an hour or two ahead of time, and write it down. Refer to your notes while you're talking w/ her.

I really think that the two of you would benefit greatly from some counseling.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Right.... this makes sense but the truth is I don't want divorce... I want my family.
> 
> The home was a dream home that our whole family fell in love with... of course its hard to let it go.
> 
> I want her to snap out of it... I want my family and honestly I want the home.
> 
> I feel like a fool that has given her the control and doesn't know what to do....!


Cancel the purchase of the new home. Tell her that you cannot commit to such a purchase when the future of your marriage and family is on such uncertain ground.

That will likely go a long way toward getting her to "snap out of it".


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



EleGirl said:


> Have you exposed the affair to the guy's wife?


The guy doesn't have a wife. He is a 28 year old **** who got to have an older woman and then got bored. He used the excuse that he has found a girlfriend that he likes but the truth is he prob didn't want a 38 year old with baggage.

He saw her as a challenge.... got her and then got rid of her!


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## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> The guy doesn't have a wife. He is a 28 year old **** who got to have an older woman and then got bored. He used the excuse that he has found a girlfriend that he likes but the truth is he prob didn't want a 38 year old with baggage.
> 
> He saw her as a challenge.... got her and then got rid of her!


You can always call the gym and let the manager know what was going on there. You should also consider create a Cheaterville profile for this d**chbag in order to forewarn others of his character.


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## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

It's a great house, and yes it will be disapponting to lose, but there will be other great homes on the market in 6, 12, 24 months. But you cannot commit to a major purchase like this with the state of your marriage in flux. I know you know this and I'm sorry you are in this situation.

There was another thread here at some point, don't ask me where, where the couple just bought a house, and she was cheating before and after the move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

as others have suggested.

Do a hard 180 and do it for you!
Get tested for STDs! Take care of your health.
Protect your assets- you don't need your money spent on her boning OM.

Maybe he dumped her, maybe he is back-burning her or rekindling in some way, or perhaps there is now a new POSOM that you have yet to discover. She clearly sees you as plan-b. 

I would file now if possible. Either she gets her head out of her arse and dedicates towards true R or you can start working on rebuilding your life minus the cheating spouse. I know it is tough. I have been where you are. My XWW couldn't divorce me fast enough when we blew up. If that happens to be your case as well- take advantage and use it as leverage to get a good settlement. 

Take care (eat right and exercise)
WD

Good luck


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> That my worry and the fact she is not fighting for me is really telling a story.
> 
> Husband 1 - yes
> I am husband 2 so YES:scratch head:


Looking for clarification - how did the relationships with the fathers of her first two kids end? Was infidelity involved in any cases?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Not the reason they ended no!!!


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Chicks like confident guys, even if you have to fake it be strong and direct....let her catch up...don't worry were she is going or what she wants from you.

Show her through your actions that you are now moving on and it will be up to her to keep up.

She will try scare tactics like custody issues and money issues, but at the end of the day she has just as much to lose as you do. Its a lose lose for both of you so don't let her mind phuck you when you start making the moves that will stop all her emotional torture.

Dude once she sees a man making the calls and sticking to them she will start to think twice in what she is losing.

So start raising your attraction level by having the confidence to let her go or see if she can keep up with you and stick around.

Let her know she is more then welcome to keep up and you want her to, but for your own emotional health you must move forward with or with out her.

This confidence just might get her to second quess the way she is dealing with this new manindespair.

God I hope she never ever sees your user name....she has your number for sure....hell she already thinks she has you were she wants you cuz she never faced any consequences for phucking you over the way she did.

When I was going thru this crap with my old lady she knew she had to do the heavy lifting to stick around. I had no problem faking how bad ass I was, but deep down I was scared sh1tless.

Never again let her see how weak you feel. today you are moving towards emotional health. and it will be up to her to keep up or not.

BTW, she is going to be really butt hurt when she sees you are no longer the same man that she cheated on.....then again in the back of her skull she will have to respect you for it.

Today is the day you get some respect back so go all the way with the 180!!! 

Get used to being called an @sshole a lot.
Your old lady won't like the fact that you got your self respect back, and you really can't reply to her name calling cuz she wants the old you back so what can you say to her name calling...nothing.. smile walk a way. The new you doesn't have to engage with toxic poeple who lie and cheat.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> She sounds like a classic cake-eater... she wants to have her cake and to eat it too. She wants to be able to have the house, the kids, the life, _*and for you to provide it all*_ while she's out and about banging gym guy. And hey, now that you know about it, if you could just STFU and be cool w/ that arrangement, she'd love that, too. But since you obviously aren't (shame on you, right), she's using you as a verbal punching bag since she doesn't have any sort of tangible way to kick her own guilty conscious square in the tits.
> 
> Also, she may be pushing you away because gym guy is sniffing around again.
> 
> Is she hiding her phone, tablet, or computer from you? Any passwords (for social media and/or e-mail accounts) that you don't have?
> 
> What, if anything, has she offered to do _of her own accord_ to help you to get over her betrayal? Sounds like nothing.



Think you have it spot on and I am coming to realise it but it does honestly hurt.

I really don't think gym guy is still on the scene.... he has also had his cake and realised he no longer wants it. My wife has been doing all the things you say and the bit about her guilt is SPOT ON. She says that she doesn't feel guilt but I think that is absolute BOLLOXXXX. 

She knows she is in the wrong but using me as the excuse for all that is wrong in our relationship.

I am controlling
I pushed her this way
I am the f'in devil
I am a good father, she love me but not sure if in a husband way
She doesn't feel the spark... she wants to 

etc etc etc


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> Agreed! Don't do this! No new house, no new car, no new anything until this sh*t is settled, and that may take months, if not years.
> 
> Oh and by the way... if, when you tell her that you're canceling the purchase of the new home, she tells you that she's leaving or whatever, tell her that she knows where the front f*cking door is, along w/ where her car is parked. By the way, this means that you're not going anywhere. Nut up!
> 
> Any marriage counseling? Individual counseling for either of you?



Both in individual councelling.... we are talking about marriage counselling .

I have no intention of leaving the house.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Right.... this makes sense but the truth is I don't want divorce... I want my family.
> 
> The home was a dream home that our whole family fell in love with... of course its hard to let it go.
> 
> I want her to snap out of it... I want my family and honestly I want the home.
> 
> I feel like a fool that has given her the control and doesn't know what to do....!


Again she has your number...time to change it....if you know what I mean.

Your not going any were are you?


Dude I get it, but you haven't done a dam thing to make her think twice in what she is about to lose.

You can take the control back by no longer engaging her and showing her the indifference she diserves.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> She broke the home not you.


I agree but that doesn't help the little one understanding this! I grew up in a good home and I really want that for my kids. They have all gone thru so much and I am a father, first and foremost!


----------



## Rugs

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Right.... this makes sense but the truth is I don't want divorce... I want my family.
> 
> The home was a dream home that our whole family fell in love with... of course its hard to let it go.
> 
> I want her to snap out of it... I want my family and honestly I want the home.
> 
> I feel like a fool that has given her the control and doesn't know what to do....!


 :slap:


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Both in individual councelling.... we are talking about marriage counselling .
> 
> I have no intention of leaving the house.


Marriage counseling would be good, I think.

And if she's telling you that she doesn't feel guilty at all, there are one of two possibilities...

* She just doesn't, period.

* She doesn't because she's still pretty deep in her affair fog.

If the latter is the case... well, you can work w/ that. If it's the former... get ready for divorce.

But honestly, you should have already started speaking w/ a divorce attorney. Have you done this?

Also, I'll say it again...

CANCEL THE PURCHASE OF THE NEW HOME!!!

One more question (if you already answered this then I missed it) -- does your wife work outside of the home at all?


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

"Controlling"

You were trying to protect your marriage and family unit....hell your old lady still stabbed you in the back so maybe you weren't controlling enough.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> Look, I'm not saying that you should be outwardly or demonstratively angry w/ her anytime that you speak w/ her. That will seldom yield the results that you're looking for, as you now know.
> 
> But yes, be angry. Let the anger, along w/ your desire to keep your family intact (I'm assuming, of course, that this is what you want...?), motivate you.
> 
> Be calm when you speak w/ her, but speak firmly. Don't cower at her words, even if they hint at the threat of divorce. If you tend to lose track or get off point during your conversations, maybe think about what you want to say an hour or two ahead of time, and write it down. Refer to your notes while you're talking w/ her.
> 
> I really think that the two of you would benefit greatly from some counseling.



Today, after reading 180 it made sooooo much sense! I came home (I decided to have a couple of nights away) and I have tried to be distant. I am not used to this but I am trying.

I have kept my voice quiet. I have not opened convo about us.

I do want to keep the family intact. It is easy to get carried away with all the comments on here but the truth is we HAD a wonderful family, lots of good times and memories. Lots of laughter, holidays and memories and it is so hard to let that go so easily.

If she threatens divorce.... what is the likelihood she means it? She also loves our life and hates to look bad to people.

In past relationships she could always come out the other side with head held high.... this time she can't! She will only look like a b!tch!


----------



## PhillyGuy13

manindespair said:


> Think you have it spot on and I am coming to realise it but it does honestly hurt.
> 
> I really don't think gym guy is still on the scene.... he has also had his cake and realised he no longer wants it. My wife has been doing all the things you say and the bit about her guilt is SPOT ON. She says that she doesn't feel guilt but I think that is absolute BOLLOXXXX.
> 
> She knows she is in the wrong but using me as the excuse for all that is wrong in our relationship.
> 
> I am controlling
> I pushed her this way
> I am the f'in devil
> I am a good father, she love me but not sure if in a husband way
> She doesn't feel the spark... she wants to
> 
> etc etc etc


The fact that she feels no guilt is a bad sign. Also that she told you about the affair so nonchalantly. She didn't even have the courtesy to deny deny deny, if that makes sense. "Yeah I had an affair, what are you going to do about it!"

Very good change gymrat is still in the picture. He's probably got a black book of women he regularly calls, your wife has been back burnered but they are still in touch, there's a good chance. Clearly she would rather be with him, I'm sorry to say. At least that's the impression I get.

As far as her excuses you list, those are all in the Cheating Spouse Hall of Fame Excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rugs

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> Again she has your number...time to change it....if you know what I mean.
> 
> Your not going any were are you?
> 
> 
> Dude I get it, but you haven't done a dam thing to make her think twice in what she is about to lose.
> 
> You can take the control back by no longer engaging her and showing her the indifference she diserves.


:iagree:


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

" I pushed her this way"

Are you phucking kidding!!!!!!!

A very long long long time ago i did some bad things....no one ever pushed me to make bad choices...I did the crap all on my own...I own that bad and unhealthy behavior thats why I changed it.


Your old lady can't even see the changes she needs to make in her self, how in the hell do you expect her to make changes for a healthier marriage?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



PhillyGuy13 said:


> It's a great house, and yes it will be disapponting to lose, but there will be other great homes on the market in 6, 12, 24 months. But you cannot commit to a major purchase like this with the state of your marriage in flux. I know you know this and I'm sorry you are in this situation.
> 
> There was another thread here at some point, don't ask me where, where the couple just bought a house, and she was cheating before and after the move.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really do know this is true. It's just so hard to take as we all dreamed about it.
Thanks for the advice


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> Chicks like confident guys, even if you have to fake it be strong and direct....let her catch up...don't worry were she is going or what she wants from you.
> 
> Show her through your actions that you are now moving on and it will be up to her to keep up.
> 
> She will try scare tactics like custody issues and money issues, but at the end of the day she has just as much to lose as you do. Its a lose lose for both of you so don't let her mind phuck you when you start making the moves that will stop all her emotional torture.
> 
> Dude once she sees a man making the calls and sticking to them she will start to think twice in what she is losing.
> 
> So start raising your attraction level by having the confidence to let her go or see if she can keep up with you and stick around.
> 
> Let her know she is more then welcome to keep up and you want her to, but for your own emotional health you must move forward with or with out her.
> 
> This confidence just might get her to second quess the way she is dealing with this new manindespair.
> 
> God I hope she never ever sees your user name....she has your number for sure....hell she already thinks she has you were she wants you cuz she never faced any consequences for phucking you over the way she did.
> 
> When I was going thru this crap with my old lady she knew she had to do the heavy lifting to stick around. I had no problem faking how bad ass I was, but deep down I was scared sh1tless.
> 
> Never again let her see how weak you feel. today you are moving towards emotional health. and it will be up to her to keep up or not.
> 
> BTW, she is going to be really butt hurt when she sees you are no longer the same man that she cheated on.....then again in the back of her skull she will have to respect you for it.
> 
> Today is the day you get some respect back so go all the way with the 180!!!
> 
> Get used to being called an @sshole a lot.
> Your old lady won't like the fact that you got your self respect back, and you really can't reply to her name calling cuz she wants the old you back so what can you say to her name calling...nothing.. smile walk a way. The new you doesn't have to engage with toxic poeple who lie and cheat.



Man.... that is a motivational speech if ever I heard one!!!! Thanks.

It's mad but I really do feel stronger... Every day since she went cold has been gut wrenching but I can honestly say today I have felt stronger.

I need to be the confident man I was before. I REALLY WAS!!!!

Thanks again mate... really really appreciate it.

MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE MY USER NAME!!!!


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Today, after reading 180 it made sooooo much sense! I came home (I decided to have a couple of nights away) and I have tried to be distant. I am not used to this but I am trying.
> 
> I have kept my voice quiet. I have not opened convo about us.


Its just a matter of hours before you get the text from her..." why are you being so cold"

Then when you don't responde you will shortly get the text...." why are you being an @ss"

Do not respond to any of it.

If your old lady really needs an explaination then she is deeply fogged in.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Please remember, if your family breaks up over this, it is your wife that chose to break up the family. Not you. Do not let her or anyone else put that guilt on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Man.... that is a motivational speech if ever I heard one!!!! Thanks.
> 
> It's mad but I really do feel stronger... Every day since she went cold has been gut wrenching but I can honestly say today I have felt stronger.
> 
> I need to be the confident man I was before. I REALLY WAS!!!!
> 
> Thanks again mate... really really appreciate it.
> 
> MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE MY USER NAME!!!!


Your welcome!

Sincerly, the guy with the cheating wife


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Don't it will always remind you of the man you once were......and why you have to stay strong


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> Marriage counseling would be good, I think.
> 
> And if she's telling you that she doesn't feel guilty at all, there are one of two possibilities...
> 
> * She just doesn't, period.
> 
> * She doesn't because she's still pretty deep in her affair fog.
> 
> If the latter is the case... well, you can work w/ that. If it's the former... get ready for divorce.
> 
> But honestly, you should have already started speaking w/ a divorce attorney. Have you done this?
> 
> Also, I'll say it again...
> 
> CANCEL THE PURCHASE OF THE NEW HOME!!!
> 
> One more question (if you already answered this then I missed it) -- does your wife work outside of the home at all?



No she doesn't really work.

I have a successful business so she works when she wants to. She has a coffee shop but it is not a big business. The main income is from me so she is pretty much a 'lady of leisure'


----------



## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I agree but that doesn't help the little one understanding this! I grew up in a good home and I really want that for my kids. They have all gone thru so much and I am a father, first and foremost!


Does your wife work outside the home? Or is she a SAHM?

Can you afford the house and everything else on your income alone?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> "Controlling"
> 
> You were trying to protect your marriage and family unit....hell your old lady still stabbed you in the back so maybe you weren't controlling enough.


She basically (like I guess others before her) said that it was me that pushed her to the affair.

I was controlling, jealous, untrusting etc etc (all with good reason). I didn't want her going out with the gym lot (for good reason).
She was mixing with all single people which I didn't like (for good reason)

She keeps on now saying the affair is in the past but her bad feeling to me is still here!


----------



## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> No she doesn't really work.
> 
> I have a successful business so she works when she wants to. She has a coffee shop but it is not a big business. The main income is from me so she is pretty much a 'lady of leisure'


Have you pointed out to her that if you divorce she needs to get a real job and support herself?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> " I pushed her this way"
> 
> Are you phucking kidding!!!!!!!
> 
> A very long long long time ago i did some bad things....no one ever pushed me to make bad choices...I did the crap all on my own...I own that bad and unhealthy behavior thats why I changed it.
> 
> 
> Your old lady can't even see the changes she needs to make in her self, how in the hell do you expect her to make changes for a healthier marriage?


OK... not sounding good!


----------



## italianjob

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I'm sorry, pal, but I think it's quite clear that your wife just wants to have her cake and eat it too.
You're a good provider, she has a nice life so she wants to keep you in that role, but she obviously doesn't love you anymore and wants to bang other guys.
I think you don't have many choices, either you accept to support her while she jumps from bed to bed, or just kick her to the curb.
I don't think there's any chance of reconciliation here, frankly, not a real one, she may fool you into a fake R, but your marriage is over.
Grow a pair and move on... is my advice, or accept your new "cuckold" role.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



EleGirl said:


> Does your wife work outside the home? Or is she a SAHM?
> 
> Can you afford the house and everything else on your income alone?


She is a SAHM - isn!!! She doesn't need to work.... my work pays all the bills no worries!


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I agree with Italianjob. The marriage is toast. Go see a lawyer and file for divorce. She checked out on you a long time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

manindespair said:


> She is a SAHM - isn!!! She doesn't need to work.... my work pays all the bills no worries!


We'll that life for her is over. Tell her to start looking for work because you will be filing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> We'll that life for her is over. Tell her to start looking for work because you will be filing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
and start carrying a voice activated recorder on you because she won't like your new terms and will try to get you kicked out of the house.
Are you in England?
Lots of English here and Aussies to network with.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> and start carrying a voice activated recorder on you because she won't like your new terms and will try to get you kicked out of the house.
> Are you in England?
> Lots of English here and Aussies to network with.


yes mate I am English! Why the voice recorder?


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> OK... not sounding good!


Sorry...

but it makes sense...


This affair crap could happen again....hell it might still be going on.

FAce it man your wife doesn't want to play house any more so give her a taste of what she can expect from here on out.


Letting her go just might save your marriage!


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> My gut tells me that she wants me and the girls and our lovely life.


I don't think she wants you. She wants the house and the girls and a lovely life. She NEEDS you for the bills, loves you as the father of her children, thinks it's just too bad that you can't all live together happily in the new house while she explores her love relationship with other man.

For what it's worth, I think she's still in contact with the other man. Yeah, he broke up with her, she's probably contacted him again and he probably misses the sex, so they are probably in contact and hooking up again.

Is she still at the same gym?


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> yes mate I am English! Why the voice recorder?


You get the information before you get blindsided....its intel...counter inteligence...you have the information before it actually happens....

VAR= good stuff:smthumbup:


----------



## bandit.45

manindespair said:


> yes mate I am English! Why the voice recorder?


To record her if she goes off on you or tries to lie to the cops that you did something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Divorce her and never marry another English woman. They cheat like card sharps. Find you a nice Australian Aboriginal lady.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I am a decent bloke that does anything for everyone but I guess "familiarity breeds contempt"


This is a good quality, to a degree. But if you are too far into the "do everything for everybody" - what I am getting at is if you always subjugate your happiness and desires to her, always let her "push you around," let her get away with selfish childish behavior - that will cause a lack of respect, and a woman cannot love a man she does not respect. Some women want a man who will stand up to them and not let them always have their selfish way.

I am reading this into your relationship because of the way you acted when you found out, how you let her dictate the course of action and really didn't stand up for yourself, let your love for her overpower standing up to her and demanding what is right.

You posted that she couldn't believe you were willing to forgive (she thought you might never forgive, never mind immediately being willing to forgive and sweep under the rug IMMEDIATELY).

She likes other man - he won't put up with her selfishness, he dumped her when she got too "needy."

Don't be an a-hole, keep on being a good guy, just stand up for yourself while you are doing it.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

mid, you should go all James Bond...you really need to find out what your dealing with and what you are trying to salvage.

I think if you had a better understanding of who your old lady has become you might have a better direction on how to help keep the family unit together.

And there is nothing wrong with a family unit were the parents live in different homes as long as both homes are in the best interest of the kids.


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Since then I have got angry.... told her last night that I have no trust for her anymore and she hasn't stopped lying to me.
> 
> *The issue is every time I do get angry, she puts a barrier up and nothing gets thru.* It's a f'in joke but the thing is I love my family so much. If it want for the kids I would 100% be gone but it is still so raw.
> 
> I do love her.... I also at this moment hate her. In 180 it says that stop telling her because at the moment there isn't anything to love.... I totally agree. I am struggling to find what I love her for but I am scared to lose my family unit that has kept me strong for so long!


Yeah, she knows you will cave, she is out-angering you.

She knows darn well how afraid you are. She already knows how many other guys want her, she is confident she can move on easily. On the other hand, she thinks no other woman would ever want you.

So, you have posted that she always seeks attention from other guys. Do you think there have been others before this?


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Today, after reading 180 it made sooooo much sense! I came home (I decided to have a couple of nights away) and I have tried to be distant. I am not used to this but I am trying.
> 
> I have kept my voice quiet. I have not opened convo about us.


This needs to be said again....

It is so important to show your old lady that you are heading in a new direction.


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Somebody give him the link to the 180. I'm in the bathtub.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> Yeah, she knows you will cave, she is out-angering you.
> 
> She knows darn well how afraid you are. She already knows how many other guys want her, she is confident she can move on easily. On the other hand, she thinks no other woman would ever want you.
> 
> So, you have posted that she always seeks attention from other guys. Do you think there have been others before this?


We can only hope that mid has a new approach and his old lady starts second guessing her bull crap and gets help to save her own sh1t and this family.

At the end of the day I have to admit this chick does go thru guys


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I whole heartedly wish I hadn't instantly forgiven her.... I am an idiot but *I can't change that now.
> *
> She has manipulated me and I don't know what to do. Like I said... *I have a 7 year old upstairs at the moment that is such a happy little thing and I don't want her growing up in a broken home*


Yeah, you CAN change the INSTANT forgiveness. Tell her you changed your mind, tell her you are UNFORGIVING her.

Your FEAR of letting your 7-year-old grow up in a broken home is going to be the exact thing that causes your 7-year-old to grow up in a broken home.

All is lost already, really, it can't get much worse than this, can it? Your wife is acting however she wants, speaking her mind, yet you are holding back, biting your tongue, and trying to negotiate with someone who is trying to take advantage of you, you are the only one who is trying to save this.

YOUR WIFE IS MAKING A MESS, you are walking around behind her cleaning it up. Stop cleaning it up.

The one willing to walk away holds all the power.


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> The guy doesn't have a wife. He is a 28 year old **** who got to have an older woman and then got bored. He used the excuse that he has found a girlfriend that he likes but the truth is he prob didn't want a 38 year old with baggage.
> 
> *He saw her as a challenge.... *got her and then got rid of her!


How do you know he saw her as a challenge? How do you know she didn't encourage him? How long and hard did he have to work to get her?


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Somebody give him the link to the 180. I'm in the bathtub.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit's don't bath...


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> She basically (like I guess others before her) said that it was me that pushed her to the affair.
> 
> I was controlling, jealous, untrusting etc etc (all with good reason). I didn't want her going out with the gym lot (for good reason).
> She was mixing with all single people which I didn't like (for good reason)
> 
> She keeps on now saying the affair is in the past but her bad feeling to me is still here!


I'll address each notion presented here individually...

Bullsh*t

Bullsh*t

Bullsh*t

Bullsh*t

Basically, one big ball of blameshifting, deflection, and gaslighting. You're probably getting plenty of trickle-truth as well.


----------



## bandit.45

GusPolinski said:


> I'll address each notion presented here individually...
> 
> Bullsh*t
> 
> Bullsh*t
> 
> Bullsh*t
> 
> Bullsh*t
> 
> Basically, one big ball of blameshifting, deflection, and gaslighting. You're probably getting plenty of trickle-truth as well.


Preach on preacher.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

bandit.45 said:


> Divorce her and never marry another English woman. They cheat like card sharps. Find you a nice Australian Aboriginal lady.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is that true about English women? I did enjoy Benny Hill and those young ladies did seem loose.

You keep the VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times, so if any discussions get heated, she can't turn to anyone else-- including the police -- and say you were physical against her. It offers you some protection against this. Many women in her circumstances will use a domestic abuse allegation to trump any and all infidelity allegations against them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

the guy said:


> Bandit's don't bath...


Yes we do. Third Friday of every month. Hell I might even trim my toenails tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> Yeah, she knows you will cave, she is out-angering you.
> 
> She knows darn well how afraid you are. She already knows how many other guys want her, she is confident she can move on easily. On the other hand, she thinks no other woman would ever want you.
> 
> So, you have posted that she always seeks attention from other guys. Do you think there have been others before this?



Honestly no I don't think there have been others. Like I said, we were happy for a long time and then she had a kinda midlife crisis as she was getting older. That is when all this started


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> *She says that she doesn't feel guilt *but I think that is absolute BOLLOXXXX.
> 
> *I am a good father, she love me but not sure if in a husband way*
> 
> *She doesn't feel the spark... she wants to*
> 
> etc etc etc


Go find a thread where cheating women talk about how they feel/felt about their husbands.

THIS REALLY IS HOW THEY FEEL.

The threads where they feel this way, the guy they feel it about is just like you. A guy who FORGIVES way too easily and usually a guy who let them walk all over him during the marriage.

She thinks you are a nice guy and a good father, she REALLY REALLY does wish she could find that spark for you, but your behavior has caused her to lose respect. Start standing up for yourself. The 180 is good. Tell her you have no desire to stay with someone who doesn't love you, and you won't.

Honest question, when you see someone who lets another person walk all over them, do you respect that person? Maybe you feel sorry for them, but you probably don't respect them. I'm guessing that is how your wife feels about you.

Hey, I just posted a lot of stuff. Feel free to tell me if I'm full of sh1t. But I've been reading here a while, the guys who stand up for themselves are the only ones who seem to have any chance at reconciliation, the behavior you are using always leads to divorce from what I can see. Even the guys who stand up for themselves and stop putting up with the egregious behavior of their cheating wife, a lot of those cases are too far gone to save the marriage. But at least they leave it with some dignity and self respect. There are a lot of guys like you who post here, so it shouldn't be too hard to find threads that are similar.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> We can only hope that mid has a new approach and his old lady starts second guessing her bull crap and gets help to save her own sh1t and this family.
> 
> At the end of the day I have to admit this chick does go thru guys



You have a subtle way of saying what you think without trying to be an ass!!!! to be honest you are spot on, she needs to start taking responsibility of ruining our family.

My new approach is basically the old strong me. I have never let anyone walk all over me but over the past few weeks I have been too botherer / scared of losing her. WHY???? Only because I thought she was everything to me and to the kids.

180 has got to be worked on. What will be after that will be.


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Yes we do. Third Friday of every month. Hell I might even trim my toenails tonight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm picturing Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> How do you know he saw her as a challenge? How do you know she didn't encourage him? How long and hard did he have to work to get her?


He started messaging her on FB. She found out about 12 months before that he liked her from someone else at the gym.

She even told me at the time and laughed about it because he was an ugly c*Nt.

They carried on messaging on FB and I warned her it would get out of hand so she stopped (or so I thought)

In the end.... here we are today


----------



## bandit.45

manindespair said:


> Honestly no I don't think there have been others. Like I said, we were happy for a long time and then she had a kinda midlife crisis as she was getting older. That is when all this started


Don't delude yourself. This has been building up in her for years. She is having affairs because she has no boundaries and partly because she has no fear of any action for you.

Curl that stiff upper lip, stand up for yourself and be the man you want to be....not what she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> You have a subtle way of saying what you think without trying to be an ass!!!! to be honest you are spot on, she needs to start taking responsibility of ruining our family.
> 
> My new approach is basically the old strong me. I have never let anyone walk all over me but over the past few weeks I have been too botherer / scared of losing her. WHY???? Only because I thought she was everything to me and to the kids.
> 
> 180 has got to be worked on. What will be after that will be.


Sorry if I was an ass. I got a little fired up reading how she was treating you. I'm on your side.


----------



## bandit.45

Just Joe said:


> I'm picturing Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.


Hey.....thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> the guys who stand up for themselves are the only ones who seem to have any chance at reconciliation, .


Chicks dig confident guys!


----------



## bandit.45

manindespair said:


> You have a subtle way of saying what you think without trying to be an ass!!!! to be honest you are spot on, she needs to start taking responsibility of ruining our family.
> 
> My new approach is basically the old strong me. I have never let anyone walk all over me but over the past few weeks I have been too botherer / scared of losing her. WHY???? Only because I thought she was everything to me and to the kids.
> 
> 180 has got to be worked on. What will be after that will be.


We're Yanks mate. 

It's in our blood to shoot our mouths off. You know that. 

But listen to what we are saying. You have your wayward wife up on a pedestal like she's a statue in Trafalgar. Look at her actions, look at what she has done.... Toss aside the vision of the perfect wife you had in your head all these years. That was all an illusion. Time to see her for what she really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> She found out about 12 months before that he liked her from someone else at the gym.


Uhhh... This may very well have been "someone else" that she'd been f*cking.



manindespair said:


> They carried on messaging on FB and I warned her it would get out of hand so she stopped (or so I thought)


How far into her panties would you say that he'd gotten when you initially found them chatting on FB? Either way, you should have curbstomped their relationship then. But you know that now.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> You have a subtle way of saying what you think without trying to be an ass!!!! to be honest you are spot on, she needs to start taking responsibility of ruining our family.
> 
> My new approach is basically the old strong me. I have never let anyone walk all over me but over the past few weeks I have been too botherer / scared of losing her. WHY???? Only because I thought she was everything to me and to the kids.
> 
> 180 has got to be worked on. What will be after that will be.


Don't tell any one but I am an ass

Well at least a was , I cooled off with age, but back in the day when being a hard ass was cool it worked for me....these days if a guy stands his ground in front of his old lady he is labeled "controlling"......


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Only because I thought she was everything to me and to the kids.


This thinking has to work both ways...if not then as individuals you and your old lady will be better off being happier parents apart .... rather then being miserable with each other and giving a poor example of what a healthy relationship is all about.

Your wife can take that to the bank!

Your kids need to bear witness to a healthy relationship between a man and a women....not the crap you and your old lady got going on now.

Your kids need to see an happy father that commands respect.


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but when it comes to your wife, pay attention to her actions, don't give her words much credence. Her actions will tell the story.

Does she protect her phone still?

Did she stop going to the same gym?


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but when it comes to your wife, pay attention to her actions, don't give her words much credence. Her actions will tell the story.


Truer words were never spoken.



Just Joe said:


> Does she protect her phone still?
> 
> Did she stop going to the same gym?


Inquiring minds want to know. Like, seriously... a lot of them.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> We're Yanks mate.
> 
> It's in our blood to shoot our mouths off. You know that.
> 
> But listen to what we are saying. You have your wayward wife up on a pedestal like she's a statue in Trafalgar. Look at her actions, look at what she has done.... Toss aside the vision of the perfect wife you had in your head all these years. That was all an illusion. Time to see her for what she really is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whats a Trafalgar?

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

No seriously....whats a Trafalgar


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> Whats a Trafalgar?
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> No seriously....whats a Trafalgar


Trafalgar Square - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## manfromlamancha

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Hi, I am totally new to this so please forgive me if I get this a little wrong but I am sure I will learn as I got on!
> 
> About 2 months ago my wife and I had a bit of a row, nothing major but she suddenly went totally COLD on me and said she needed space. I was totally shattered as I had always thought we were soul mates and that we would be together forever. she told me I was controlling and she had a void in her life and was not happy.
> 
> We have been *together for 14 years* and have *3 children. 2 of these are from my wife previous relationship. 19 year old from an old boyfriend, 16 year old from previous marriage and a 7 year old from our relationship.*
> 
> *My wife is 38 and so am I* and when we got together I took on the children like they were my own - for all intents and purposes they are my children and I have never thought or acted any different.
> 
> After 2 week of space-ish (, 4 - 5 days away by her and 4 by me) I told her I was moving back in because we couldn't get anywhere without communication. Things weren't right and she was still so cold and we were getting no-where so *on the 1st May I confronted her about my belief that she had been having an affair*, where emotionally or physically I did not know but knew something was going on.
> 
> She admitted that she had had a *6 week affair with a guy from the gym (someone that I also knew)*. To be honest, I wasn't angry but relieved as I has suspected this for a long time and I finally found out the truth.
> 
> That night we had massive conversations and she begged me for forgiveness. Turned out that she had been sleeping with him when she was in the hotel whilst having 'space' but he had dumped her the weekend before I found out. She told me that she wanted us, me, our family, our new home, everything so I made a mistake and trusted her words.... forgave her!
> 
> she later explained that she felt hurt and rejected from being dumped which I understood. In my eyes, i had forgave her so would be there to support the issues mentally this gave her - she was shocked by my understanding.
> 
> NOW... *she has gone back on all her words. show no remorse and says she is not sure she wants us or that we will make it through. She is acting like I am the enemy and that she is the one in control.*
> 
> In my eyes she is now bullying me.... we get on well for a while and then she batters me down to get control again saying she doesn't know what she wants.
> 
> Today... I found the 180..... does this stuff really work?
> 
> I really do love her and our life but I feel like a broken person at the moment.
> 
> 
> *4) Length of the affair
> 5) D-Day or when the affair was discovered by the BS
> 6) How did you find out ?
> 7) Identity of the OM/OW (Work colleague, family friend etc)
> 9) WS's current stance on the situation.
> 10) What do you want to do ?*


*It looks like you read the thread below and decided to create your thread/story - is that true ? You should remember to delete the rest of the checklist.*



warlock07 said:


> Most of the times we see BS making threads that lack crucial information in their first posts. The result of that is a lot of time and comments are wasted on basic questions or wrong advice based on mistaken assumptions.
> 
> Let us define a structure(or a checklist) that a BS can use to create his first post.
> 
> I'll post a few that come to my mind. Suggestions welcome.
> 
> *1) BS ages
> 2) Kids, ages
> 3) Length of the relationship, length of the marriage
> 4) Length of the affair
> 5) D-Day or when the affair was discovered by the BS
> 6) How did you find out ?
> 7) Identity of the OM/OW (Work colleague, family friend etc)
> 9) WS's current stance on the situation.
> 10) What do you want to do ?*
> 
> 
> Once we can finalize on the questions as a community, we can make it a sticky post.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Curious, isn't it? And yet we play along...


----------



## bandit.45

the guy said:


> Whats a Trafalgar?
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> No seriously....whats a Trafalgar


Ignoramus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Somebody give him the link to the 180. I'm in the bathtub.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's at the bottom of my posts as always. The thread title indicates that he has the 180 already


----------



## bandit.45

EleGirl said:


> It's at the bottom of my posts as always. The thread title indicates that he has the 180 already


Good. I don't have to end my soak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

MID,
Here's the thing. This is all new to you but the fact is we've read YOUR story again and again. Different actors but same play, same script. Almost to the letter. I would say go read some of the other threads in CWI and spot the similarities but frankly, you don't have that kind of time so you'll need to trust a bunch of strangers on the Internet.

You want want your dream house and your dream wife. Sorry. They're gone. Your wife murdered your dream wife and replaced her with a faulty clone. Now you've got to learn how to love that faulty clone.

I'm not going to be one of those who tell you this is beyond hope and kick her to the curb. What I will tell you is that if you try to do this "your way" (Gawd, I don't know how many times I've read "thanks for the advice guys but I have to do this my way"), if you try to do this your way, she will gut you, take your house, your kids, and your money and laugh on the way to her new lover's apartment.

There is an old TAM saw that goes: You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Are you willing to lose your marriage? If you're not then suck it up and get used to your new life. But if you are willing to steel yourself, be willing to set firm boundaries with your wife, conduct yourself in a way that demands respect, then you MAY have a chance at saving your marriage.

Your wife needs a big slap on her arse. I would suggest you file for D. Keep doing the 180 and RELIGIOUSLY stick to it. You don't have to be an arse yourself. Be congenial and polite. Like you would a perspective client at your business. But follow that 180. Show her the unsigned D papers and give her a time limit. Give her conditions upon which the marriage will be rebuilt. If she does not want to play cricket with you then you sign the papers and begin the process. From what I understand it takes a long time to D in England anyway.

The point is you DEMONSTRATE to her that while you love her, you don't NEED her. You love her but she CAN be replaced. And you have to convince yourself of this too.

Now go on... astound us.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

So was this all bullsh!t? I'm confused


----------



## sandc

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I hope not, I typed a lot of **** just a few minutes ago.

It looks like he was just using Warlocks template of info to provide so we don't have to go back and forth asking for more information.

I hope.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> Sorry if I was an ass. I got a little fired up reading how she was treating you. I'm on your side.


No mate I realise that!!! U have a good approach and it is enabling me to see it all


----------



## bandit.45

manindespair said:


> No mate I realise that!!! U have a good approach and it is enabling me to see it all


Look brother, we're on your side. We want you to come out on top, save your marriage, restore your self esteem and subjugate your wife for eternity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> Don't tell any one but I am an ass
> 
> Well at least a was , I cooled off with age, but back in the day when being a hard ass was cool it worked for me....these days if a guy stands his ground in front of his old lady he is labeled "controlling"......



This is my point. I ALWAYS stand my ground until this situation. She tells me I am controlling but stick up for what I believe.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but when it comes to your wife, pay attention to her actions, don't give her words much credence. Her actions will tell the story.
> 
> Does she protect her phone still?
> 
> Did she stop going to the same gym?



Doesn't protect her phone - shows me if I want to see.

Stopped going to the same gym.... back there now


----------



## 3putt

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> I'm picturing Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.


LOL...I was thinking Tuco when I saw it.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Sooooo... She stopped going to the same gym, but now she's going back? And you haven't filed for divorce yet...?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



sandc said:


> MID,
> Here's the thing. This is all new to you but the fact is we've read YOUR story again and again. Different actors but same play, same script. Almost to the letter. I would say go read some of the other threads in CWI and spot the similarities but frankly, you don't have that kind of time so you'll need to trust a bunch of strangers on the Internet.
> 
> You want want your dream house and your dream wife. Sorry. They're gone. Your wife murdered your dream wife and replaced her with a faulty clone. Now you've got to learn how to love that faulty clone.
> 
> I'm not going to be one of those who tell you this is beyond hope and kick her to the curb. What I will tell you is that if you try to do this "your way" (Gawd, I don't know how many times I've read "thanks for the advice guys but I have to do this my way"), if you try to do this your way, she will gut you, take your house, your kids, and your money and laugh on the way to her new lover's apartment.
> 
> There is an old TAM saw that goes: You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Are you willing to lose your marriage? If you're not then suck it up and get used to your new life. But if you are willing to steel yourself, be willing to set firm boundaries with your wife, conduct yourself in a way that demands respect, then you MAY have a chance at saving your marriage.
> 
> Your wife needs a big slap on her arse. I would suggest you file for D. Keep doing the 180 and RELIGIOUSLY stick to it. You don't have to be an arse yourself. Be congenial and polite. Like you would a perspective client at your business. But follow that 180. Show her the unsigned D papers and give her a time limit. Give her conditions upon which the marriage will be rebuilt. If she does not want to play cricket with you then you sign the papers and begin the process. From what I understand it takes a long time to D in England anyway.
> 
> The point is you DEMONSTRATE to her that while you love her, you don't NEED her. You love her but she CAN be replaced. And you have to convince yourself of this too.
> 
> Now go on... astound us.




Firstly... I don't want to do it "MY WAY" as it just isn't working. She is gradually enabling herself to blame me more and more for our issues.

She believes that I control her feelings - she gets tense when I am around and happy when I am not here.

I am scared, but not not desperate to avoid divorce as I can honestly only see it going that way the way we are heading at the moment. I therefore have no choice but to take advice on board an give it a go.

Cant remember who said it earlier but they said I am scared for my 7 year old but my actions at the moment will cause her to live in a broken family. Unless I change these actions I am not giving her the best chance possible of a happy home.

I don't know if I will astound you.... I just hope I can do what I have always done in life.... succeed where others fail.

I take risks.... risk takers are sometimes rewarded.
Wish me luck and Thanks again


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



sandc said:


> I hope not, I typed a lot of **** just a few minutes ago.
> 
> It looks like he was just using Warlocks template of info to provide so we don't have to go back and forth asking for more information.
> 
> I hope.


CORRECT..... trust me its not bull****.... its my life!


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Look brother, we're on your side. We want you to come out on top, save your marriage, restore your self esteem and subjugate your wife for eternity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unlikely tho at this stage hey?


----------



## 3putt

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Unlikely tho at this stage hey?


Not at all. You start 'manning up' and you just might see a difference in her attitude towards you. No guarantees, but what do you have to lose at this point.

I would also get this book as well. It will help you get into the frame of mind that you need to be.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



3putt said:


> Not at all. You start 'manning up' and you just might see a difference in her attitude towards you. No guarantees, but what do you have to lose at this point.
> 
> I would also get this book as well. It will help you get into the frame of mind that you need to be.
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


Get it!!!:iagree::iagree:


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



3putt said:


> Not at all. You start 'manning up' and you just might see a difference in her attitude towards you. No guarantees, but what do you have to lose at this point.
> 
> I would also get this book as well. It will help you get into the frame of mind that you need to be.
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


chicks dig confident guys

can't sat it enough!

OP gets it........

He was a fool yesterday......today he is .....he must stand.....be the man that .....can just let her go!

MID lost a lot of attraction rank when he bent to his knee in apoligizing for his old lady cheating, but today he must see that the old self must come out, and be the confident guy that .....

can't control everything but knows what he can tolorate.



This isn't about control, it about what you will tolorate and the protection one must have in self preservasion .


walk softly but carry a big stick


Don't be scared MID just be prepared.

You need to go James Bond and find out who your dealing with!

Its phucked up that it has come to this, but you need to know who you are dealing with.


----------



## sandc

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

MID I'm hoping you astound yourself. We are on your side. Just trying to show tough love is all.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



sandc said:


> MID I'm hoping you astound yourself. We are on your side. Just trying to show tough love is all.


:iagree:
one cant nice their way out of this


----------



## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

In addition to what you are reading here, I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

If there is any chance at all that your marriage will survive this, the first thing that has to happen is that she stops all contact with the OM, does not go to the gym, etc.

The point that you need to make to her is that until she does there is no marriage to work on.


----------



## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



the guy said:


> :iagree:
> one cant nice their way out of this


Book
No More Mr Nice Guy.:iagree:
But MMSLP first.


----------



## Jasel

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Read my signature and absorb it. This is why implementing the 180 is so important. This is why you need to start accepting and acknowledging the fact that you might wind up leaving your wife. And that doesn't mean your kid is automatically going to have a ****ty childhood because of it. 

Right now you're the one who wants the marriage to work more so than her. Because of instaforgiving and early reconcilliation talk she knows this as well and also doesn't think she'll be facing any consequences. Hence her wishy-washiness, blameshifting, and pissy attitude. Why should she expect you to do anything about it at this point??

As Gus explained earlier the 180, filing for divorce, and showing your wife you refuse to be anyone's Plan B (which is literally what you are in this case) she MIGHT realize what she's about to lose, that you demonstrate value and self-worth, and the possibly of being on her own is going to hit her in the face hard and fast. This COULD make her come around but it's not a guarantee nor is it the point.

You need to stop talking about how you want to work on the marriage. Your WIFE is the one who needs to be working on the marriage, along with you of course, but after an affair she should be doing the heavy lifting to fix things between you. Doesn't sound like she'd bother to open the window to let out a fart if you were in the room.


----------



## BobSimmons

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Thanks for this honest explanation. To be honest I was sitting here wondering if there was any point even thinking there there could be a comfortable resolution to all this.
> 
> I am someone that goes by my gut and it has never really backfired. My wife has always been an attention seeker but she was absolutely great until she hit about 34 / 35 where to be honest it seemed she had a midlife crisis. Since then it has been more and more of a struggle and she is harder and harder to please.
> *
> My gut tells me that she wants me and the girls and our lovely life but she has f'd up and doesn't know how to get herself out of it. In her eyes attack is the easiest option and the only one she can control*.


Your gut doesn't know anything, so focus on the facts and what is in front of you because that is the beta rugsweeping man talking there.

She cheated
She needed space to bang him
She banged him
She got dumped
Then she came back to you
You'll forgive anything so you took her back without confronting the issues why she did it
She's not remorse so the act stopped now you are where you are.

To me attack is not the easiest option in fact it's the hardest of you go by that logic because it's driving a wedge between you, keeping the atmosphere charged with confrontation.

A person truly trying the rugsweep would be acting contrite and trying to keep things smooth while the storm blows over.

The truth is she detached and while OM has dumped her, you are merely plan B but still not a patch on OM. Because of that she's now taking the anger out on you.


----------



## LongWalk

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Your wife is not that great a catch. Sorry to disillusion you. If you reconcile poorly, not long into the future, you will find your resentment towards her growing. This may well destroy your marriage. Mind you, she is responsible. To turn her round as person is a tough proposition. It can be done but ultimately is depends on her core values and character.

The 180 is the right way go. Remember that if you initiate a divorce, it can cancelled before it becomes final. Put OM on Cheaterville. Keep the post simple, factual, unemotional.

Do the fathers of your step children pay child support?

Keep a perspective: your WW stands to lose big time if you dump her. How many good looking single rich men want to tell their friends and family that their new love has three kids with different men? Her value is very suspect, plus she may lose her looks. The gym is no accident. 

You on the other hand have a good job. Your ranking is relatively high. You can date younger women.

Did you adopt your step children? In the event of divorce, you may not have visitation rights. That is a terrible thing for them. Your wife has jeapordzed their well being for the thrill of some strange penis and flattery.

You are doing well, given the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



LongWalk said:


> Your wife is not that great a catch. Sorry to disillusion you. If you reconcile poorly, not long into the future, you will find your resentment towards her growing. This may well destroy your marriage. Mind you, she is responsible. To turn her round as person is a tough proposition. It can be done but ultimately is depends on her core values and character.
> 
> The 180 is the right way go. Remember that if you initiate a divorce, it can cancelled before it becomes final. Put OM on Cheaterville. Keep the post simple, factual, unemotional.
> 
> Do the fathers of your step children pay child support?
> 
> Keep a perspective: your WW stands to lose big time if you dump her. How many good looking single rich men want to tell their friends and family that their new love has three kids with different men? Her value is very suspect, plus she may lose her looks. The gym is no accident.
> 
> You on the other hand have a good job. Your ranking is relatively high. You can date younger women.
> 
> Did you adopt your step children? In the event of divorce, you may not have visitation rights. That is a terrible thing for them. Your wife has jeapordzed their well being for the thrill of some strange penis and flattery.
> 
> You are doing well, given the situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Right I will try to answer all your points and then I have a post which I will put on.

Firstly, the reason I am "doing well" is because I am, and always have been strong to the core. I have core values which I believe in. Everything happens for a reason and what goes around comes around!!!!

I need to check the thing about initiating divorce means I can cancel it (as I am in the UK I need to find out - not that it matters!!! If I do it.... I will mean it!!!)

One child is 19 so now no payments from the father
The 16 year old, father pays per month

I totally agree about perspective..... never thought of it that way. I think wife has totally lost her perspective in the fact that she thinks the 'spark' is the only important thing. She thinks / believes that she would be happy with nothing but I can tell u now.... we built this solid ship together!!!! My work, her STRONG support.... we wanted it.... we dreamed about it and it was HER BELIEF IN ME that allowed me to do what I really wanted to do.

We were not rich (not even now in rich peoples eyes) but we had stable jobs. We gave them up, took a risk together and built what we have now.

I tell you.... this woman WAS such a rock. She supported me, loved me, encouraged me, partnered me, advised me.... etc etc.... She WAS a real partner.

Then somewhere along the line she gave up and became complacent in what we had. She thought about herself only.

One of you said, we are both 50 /50 responsible for the marriage issues but she is 100% responsible for the affair..... These words have really helped me.

No I didn't adopt the step daughters but one is now 19 and the other is 16 (nearly 17) so it will be their call if they want to see me. Truth is they love our family and I really believe they blame their mum not me!!!!


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Right .... now on to my post!!!!

YOU GUYS ARE F'IN RIGHT.....When she got home from her night out last night (by the way she called me for a lift and I said no - get a cab!!!) she could tell I was distant. She tried to ask what's going on but I said that she had been drinking so not a good idea to discuss.

She asked me what I had been doing all night and I said I had been on the computer working things out. sorting my head out, and also look ing at divorce procedures..... she was shocked.

In bed, she hugged me, said that she felt like it might be the last time but I didn't answer her on that, I just remained distant and then rolled over and went to sleep.

Today.... waking up with a hangover (ha ha) I can tell she wanted to talk about it but I remained distant and quiet. Polite.... but quiet. I took my little one to tennis.

Later at home She brought up the convo again and asked me what I wanted to do.... I said best not talk about it when she had a hangover. She asked if I wanted a divorce!!!

I said "I am NO-ONES plan B".

She tried carrying on the convo but I was distant ( and to be honest I was fine with this - it hurts.... but I was ok).

I went upstair and she was in bed.... she tried to start a convo again and I briefly explained the following.

We are both responsible 50 / 50 for the issues in the relationship. If it was just that... we are both intelligent and strong people, we would 100% have been able to sort out the issues and have a great life.

Then I said, " but you are 100% responsible for the affair. YOU are 100% responsible for breaking up our family and home. I am not to blame for you cheating.... only you!!!!" She agreed with this..... quietly but she agreed (first time I have seen any remorse).

I then explained that I have shown remorse for my 50% of the problems with the relationship but she has shown 0% for her part and 0% for the affair.

I said to her I had been soft and I realise that she could not respect anyone that is soft so I hold my hands up to that. But I said that the issues now ARE HER FAULT. She has shown no remorse or guilt over f'ing up her family, ruining our lives, ruining our kids lives.

I said that I didn't want to be someones plan B as I was better than that. I am stronger and will make it through.

I told her that we had no future.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

One last thing.... why put the guy on Cheaterville (sorry, not really sure what cheaterville is)


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## Chaparral

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

All the married women , but one, that I know and started going out on girls nights out are divorced. That covers 37 years.

Married people don't go out partying alone, it can't work.


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Your marriage is on the brink of falling apart an she has the nerve to go out????

This has to tell you were her priorities are!

Stay strong MID she is far from seeing the new reality she has created.

My I suggest you start a journal with regards to how much time she spends with your 7 yr old and the amount of times she goes out with the "girls".


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

its a web site that exposes cheaters.

say some one googles the guys name. this site will come up with all the other sites related to this guys name.


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## PhillyGuy13

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Her @$$ should have been home last night.

So it looks like the older girls are aware of the situation? That's a good thing.

Cheaterville . Com is a website where you can post about those that have had affairs. Serves as a warning to others, helps shine light on the affair, and is a bit of revenge too. You will find mixed opinions here about the effectiveness of posting there. In the case if a single guy in his 20s? I think he'd just wear it like a badge of honor and have a good laugh with his friends about it.

My only advise is this. IF You decide to put a posting on there, be committed to leave it up on there. If you pull it, you will look weak. better to not post at all then to post and then pull it down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

MID

Nice way to handle your wife.

You left out the last part.

Tell her to look in the mirror. Tell her to examine the selfish biotch she sees in the mirror.

Ask her if she cold spend the rest of her life loving that selfish woman.

Because you cannot......

Stick to your morals. Never settle. Demand only the best from people. Especially your wife.

And thank her for repaying all the kindness you showed her and her two children all these years. 

Maybe she will get the message.

HM


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Good job in standing up to her. You see now how being confident and strong made her acquiesce. 

Now ... From this point on it will go one of two ways. She will either be contrite and apologetic and back off on her bad behavior....

Or she will amp it up. She will start going out more, start being more defiant and she may even begin flaunting her promiscuity to deliberately hurt you. You took control last night, and now she's going to want some back. The way a woman gains control over a man is to humiliate him, tear down his sense of manhood. Be ready for this. Sticking to the 180 will be imperative. Read the threads by LuvMyJava and BetrayedDad. Both men had WW who openly flaunted their affairs 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I briefly explained the following.
> 
> We are both responsible 50 / 50 for the issues in the relationship. If it was just that... we are both intelligent and strong people, we would 100% have been able to sort out the issues and have a great life.
> 
> Then I said, " but you are 100% responsible for the affair. YOU are 100% responsible for breaking up our family and home. I am not to blame for you cheating.... only you!!!!" She agreed with this..... quietly but she agreed (first time I have seen any remorse).
> 
> I then explained that I have shown remorse for my 50% of the problems with the relationship but she has shown 0% for her part and 0% for the affair.
> 
> I said to her I had been soft and I realise that she could not respect anyone that is soft so I hold my hands up to that. But I said that the issues now ARE HER FAULT. She has shown no remorse or guilt over f'ing up her family, ruining our lives, ruining our kids lives.
> 
> I said that I didn't want to be someones plan B as I was better than that. I am stronger and will make it through.
> 
> *I told her that we had no future*.


I think you handled it about as well as anyone could handle it.

I would let her be for a day or two, like bandit says, see which way she goes. If she is contrite, and you want to give it a try, let her know that you will take continue to fix your 50% of the marriage, she has to start fixing her 50% of the marriage, but first she has to give her full effort to fixing the damage from the affair.

I would describe the support my wife gave me as similar to yours throughout my long marriage prior to the affair.


----------



## BobSimmons

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Can you imagine if you cheated, if you were genuinely contrite you'd be scared to go anywhere your partner couldn't verify who you were with and what you were doing.
Again a lot of lip service from your wife, no actions. You're still plan B, now, if she's truly remorseful she will realize you are plan A, but plan A has to be worth fighting for.

You've thrown the D card, very soon it will become an empty threat if you dont follow through. She must realize you are plan A, someone worthy of fighting for, if she's about to lose you then she'll fight for you..if not, she'll sign the papers and begin D.

At least you know where her heart is really at.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

UPDATE - Ok... so last couple of days have been really hard. Up and down to say the least. Yesterday she was hungover and if I am honest was a complete ***** all day.

I went out last night but before I went we spoke a little and I explained again that I am no-ones plan B and that she can't be ALL of my life. I said that I needed to be my own person again etc etc etc. 

She, for once was not cold, nor angry but in fact was actually agreeing with me. She explained that what I was saying was what she was learning in therapy and I was catching up. We then had a joke about me "never being around" because I was going out again and I left.

Then last night I was a C0CK and slipped by calling her when I was drunk - I am sooooo annoyed with myself.

Today, we have barely seen each other but all time together has been 'OK'. I found out from my daughter today that the wife was annoyed that I called her last night.

Today I decided something though. When we got together I used to ride motorbikes and she then learn to ride as well. We sold the bikes because we never rode them as we had young children at the time and also too much to lose with our lives, responsibilities etc.

A while back (about a year or so) the wife was going to buy me another one but bottled out as she said that she would worry overtime I went out on it.

Tomorrow I am going to buy another bike. The 180 says you should find new hobbies, old interests etc etc and to be honest I have become scared on killing myself on a bike. That said, with all that has been going on I guess I COULD LOSE EVERYTHING and really have nothing else to lose.

By getting a bike it will not only give me a passion back, but will also show the wife that I am moving on, getting my life back etc etc and maybe will give her a reason to build some respect for me again - it will certainly help me build respect for myself again.

She may worry when I go out (which would mean she still cares),and she may not (which means she couldn't give a sh$t) but I cannot control that.

What I can say is that maybe, just maybe it will help me not be such a wimp anymore and allow me to be strong in myself. A byproduct is that maybe my wife will start to want to ride again and we can have a mutual hobby again.

I feel she is having a midlife crisis / emotional breakdown (I am sure she doesn't think this) so maybe riding motorbikes might just make her realise who we are again.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Everyday is SO hard at the moment though.... never know who to ask for advice


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Anything you do for yourself from this time forward has to be for yourself....not your wife. It has to be for you, regardless of the outcome of your marriage. If you by this bike as a way of leveraging some kind of shred of emotion or love out of her she will see through it. 

See, your wife checked out on you long ago. She is a year or so ahead of you in the detachment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Then last night I slipped by calling her when I was drunk.


Good, women love needy guys. No other woman in this bar wants to talk to an old drunk guy, so I'm calling you babe.

No, really, major fail. What did you say to her? How much you love her or miss her? Or even worse, how women were eyeing you up or hitting on you? Or worst of all, a combination of the above?

Drunk is no good when you're already having trouble with self control.

If it was me, I would have been tempted to call and say the pharmacy is closed, do you have any condoms left over that I could drop by and pick up? Oh, you know what, just forget it, you didn't use them with loverboy, I don't need them either. No, I wouldn't have done it, but I would have been tempted to.

Work up some anger, man. Indifferent is probably best right now, but angry will do.

Get back on track today.


----------



## happyman64

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

manindespair

keep moving forward.

Focus on you.

And continue to show her what her life will be like without you in it.

She has a lot more to learn in therapy.

HM


----------



## EleGirl

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I told her that we had no future.


Is there any part of you that would consider reconciliation with her now? Say she told you that yep she screwed up. She realizes it now and will do anything/everything to fix your marriage if you will have her. She realizes that the decision is yours at this point.

Would you even consider it? If she got to this point, it's completely possible to repair your marriage and have it as good or better than it was before she started this awful mess.

If there is any chance at all that a part of you wants to reconcile you need to take back that statement. With you saying that there is no future with her, you have shut the door. That is a very final statement.

"I said that there is not future for us. What I meant is that the way things are right now there is no future. If you would do the following I would consider working reconciliation. Then list what you need from her.

No more girls nights out
no more guy
no contact with the guy ever again
she has to write out a time line of the affair
(you can add more , there is a list here somewhere)
Go too MC

So if you can agree to these things and actually work on them we talk about it. Until then there is no future with us."

You have to tell her very clearly if there is any chance at all.


----------



## aug

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> We have been together for 14 years and have 3 children. 2 of these are from my wife previous relationship. 19 year old from an old boyfriend, 16 year old from previous marriage and a 7 year old from our relationship.
> 
> My wife is 38 and so am I and when we got together I took on the children like they were my own - for all intents and purposes they are my children and I have never thought or acted any different.



She's 38 and has/had 3 different relationships with kids. I do think she knows how to move onwards to her next relationship. Probably explains her current state of mind.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



EleGirl said:


> Is there any part of you that would consider reconciliation with her now? Say she told you that yep she screwed up. She realizes it now and will do anything/everything to fix your marriage if you will have her. She realizes that the decision is yours at this point.
> 
> Would you even consider it? If she got to this point, it's completely possible to repair your marriage and have it as good or better than it was before she started this awful mess.
> 
> If there is any chance at all that a part of you wants to reconcile you need to take back that statement. With you saying that there is no future with her, you have shut the door. That is a very final statement.
> 
> "I said that there is not future for us. What I meant is that the way things are right now there is no future. If you would do the following I would consider working reconciliation. Then list what you need from her.
> 
> No more girls nights out
> no more guy
> no contact with the guy ever again
> she has to write out a time line of the affair
> (you can add more , there is a list here somewhere)
> Go too MC
> 
> So if you can agree to these things and actually work on them we talk about it. Until then there is no future with us."
> 
> You have to tell her very clearly if there is any chance at all.


Honestly, considering where I was a couple of days ago, it is VERY difficult to totally believe that there is no chance at all. I have had enough of how things are at the moment so I guess your second statement is more like it!!! 

I would continue to work at it with her BUT definitely not without rules.


----------



## clipclop2

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

It sounds like he wants to R to me.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Anything you do for yourself from this time forward has to be for yourself....not your wife. It has to be for you, regardless of the outcome of your marriage. If you by this bike as a way of leveraging some kind of shred of emotion or love out of her she will see through it.
> 
> See, your wife checked out on you long ago. She is a year or so ahead of you in the detachment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is not for her.... it is for me!!!! I blame her for a lot of things I gave up.

I gave up single life and although I love her kids, I lost my earlier life to take them on.

I gave up the motorbikes because she said "we have too much to lose" and we had a young family

I gave up going out as much as I was working so hard

etc 

Now is time to start working on me and make sure I become me again


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



clipclop2 said:


> It sounds like he wants to R to me.


at such an early stage it is hard to to want R.

I am trying to build myself again and be indifferent to R..... this I guess is not an easy fix.

What I want, is something totally different.... I can't go back as it was killing me


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> Good, women love needy guys. No other woman in this bar wants to talk to an old drunk guy, so I'm calling you babe.
> 
> No, really, major fail. What did you say to her? How much you love her or miss her? Or even worse, how women were eyeing you up or hitting on you? Or worst of all, a combination of the above?
> 
> Drunk is no good when you're already having trouble with self control.
> 
> If it was me, I would have been tempted to call and say the pharmacy is closed, do you have any condoms left over that I could drop by and pick up? Oh, you know what, just forget it, you didn't use them with loverboy, I don't need them either. No, I wouldn't have done it, but I would have been tempted to.
> 
> Work up some anger, man. Indifferent is probably best right now, but angry will do.
> 
> Get back on track today.



I realise major fail.... no I did not express my undying love or anything like that but just asked her how her night had been. Was sooooo p!ssed off with myself for doing it


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



EleGirl said:


> Is there any part of you that would consider reconciliation with her now? Say she told you that yep she screwed up. She realizes it now and will do anything/everything to fix your marriage if you will have her. She realizes that the decision is yours at this point.
> 
> Would you even consider it? If she got to this point, it's completely possible to repair your marriage and have it as good or better than it was before she started this awful mess.
> 
> If there is any chance at all that a part of you wants to reconcile you need to take back that statement. With you saying that there is no future with her, you have shut the door. That is a very final statement.
> 
> "I said that there is not future for us. What I meant is that the way things are right now there is no future. If you would do the following I would consider working reconciliation. Then list what you need from her.
> 
> No more girls nights out
> no more guy
> no contact with the guy ever again
> she has to write out a time line of the affair
> (you can add more , there is a list here somewhere)
> Go too MC
> 
> So if you can agree to these things and actually work on them we talk about it. Until then there is no future with us."
> 
> You have to tell her very clearly if there is any chance at all.


Sorry.... I am a little confused as to what you are saying. Do you think I should take it back and say only on "these conditions"?

I don't want to take it back... I want it to be no future as it is and her to believe this.

This is all new to me and so confusing.... yess I want her.... no I want her to go to hell.... yes I want her....... no she can 'f' as many guys as she wants.... yes I want her ....

It's a f'in roller coaster with no ending and driving me insane!!!


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

The rollercoaster is normal, so get ready for more of it.

Having said that, if you want to remain in your marriage, there is nothing wrong w/ expressing that to your wife... just so long as you aren't falling all over yourself when you do it. In other words, stay calm, collected, and maintain your composure. It sounds like you've had at least a couple of days of practice at that, so keep it up.

Much of what EleGirl said in her last post makes a lot of sense. In fact, when I read that you'd told your wife "There is no future for us...", I sort of sighed.

Look, the key is for you to let your wife know the following...

* While you do want to stay in your marriage, you'd be fine if she decides that she doesn't want to.

* If she wants to stay in the marriage, here is a list of what is and isn't going to happen going forward (see the list that EleGirl mentioned). No discussion. No compromise. Period. Be reasonable, but be firm.

* It's OK to admit that maybe you weren't the "perfect husband" (Seriously, who the f*ck is?) prior to her affair and hell, maybe you haven't been since BUT... she is the one that made any existing issues exponentially worse by repeatedly letting another man go spelunking in her birth canal. And besides, apparently you were at least good enough to love and provide for her other two children... right?

* Oh... and, by the way, the purchase of the new home is off.

Basically, she has to know that reconciliation is completely off the table going forward unless she is willing to do the majority of the heavy lifting required to make it happen.

Also, think about asking that she sign a post-nuptial agreement. I might not mean much of anything from a legal perspective where you live, but it's at least something.

Oh, and if you have any other questions for her, or you feel that she's being dishonest about anything else, you can always ask her to take a polygraph test. Come up w/ a list of questions, but don't let her know what the questions will be (this is imperative). Also, if you do decide to go the poly route, make sure that you have a keylogger in place on her computer and/or phone/tablet... that way you can catch her if she starts to Google for anything along the lines of "how to beat a polygraph test".

By the way, did you ever adopt her two older kids?


----------



## LongWalk

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

He did not adopt. Eldest is 19. Middle is late teens, so custody is not an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I was thinking in terms of child support, to be honest.


----------



## Just Joe

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Sorry.... I am a little confused as to what you are saying. Do you think I should take it back and say only on "these conditions"?
> 
> I don't want to take it back... I want it to be no future as it is and her to believe this.
> 
> This is all new to me and so confusing.... yess I want her.... no I want her to go to hell.... yes I want her....... no she can 'f' as many guys as she wants.... yes I want her ....
> 
> It's a f'in roller coaster with no ending and driving me insane!!!


If you're on the roller coaster, just shut up until the ride levels out a little more.

Your "no future" comment isn't that bad. You give away your true feelings with your actions. Tell her there's no future, then call her drunk from the bar to see how her night is going. If we all can see your strong desire to reconcile in a post or two a day, trust me, your wife knows darn well you are ready to jump at anything she offers.

Count how many words you say to your wife each day. For the next week, see if you can lower the number of words from the day before. Try to be quiet around her. Repeat this to yourself, over and over: "I was OK before her, I will be OK after her." Work towards indifference. Don't engage in drama. Remove yourself from the drama. 

You are a good guy. You will be OK no matter how this goes down. Believe it.


----------



## aug

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Or, you can look at it this way...

She's done this before. She knows how all this will play out. She'll move on to her 4th victim. 

You are not special to her that she'll stay with you. You think you may be, but she has shown with her cheating that you are not.

Once you realize all this, you can detach from her easier. Learn a deep lesson, and move on with your life.


----------



## Jasel

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I think you're doing pretty well. And it's normal for your emotions to be all over so don't beat yourself up for slipping. 

One thing I will recommend though is stop explaining your motives to your wife. You don't owe her any explanations and she doesn't deserve any answers. She does not need to understand your thought process. I doubt she would be willing to sit down and explain hers to you.

Just stick with the 180, the more you do it the more natural it becomes.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Jasel said:


> I think you're doing pretty well. And it's normal for your emotions to be all over so don't beat yourself up for slipping.
> 
> One thing I will recommend though is stop explaining your motives to your wife. You don't owe her any explanations and she doesn't deserve any answers. She does not need to understand your thought process. I doubt she would be willing to sit down and explain hers to you.
> 
> Just stick with the 180, the more you do it the more natural it becomes.


I agree with most of the points being said. You are correct.... I don't owe her explanations but I have just become accustomed to giving them.

In all honest relationships you have no reason not to tell your other half everything so you get in the habit of doing so. Now that all this has happened it is hard to stop what you have been doing for years.

- I explain my actions
- I phone to say hi on night out
- I show affection to the one I love
- I talk about my day / life
etc etc etc

Now all this has happened it is soooooooo hard to change your actions. I wish I could flick a switch but that is not possible.

I guess I am going to have to learn my way again but easier said than done!!!

Don't get me wrong, EVERYONE on here definitely means well. THE TRUTH is that this is my life... not a drama series but I feel like I am in a soap opera!

Has everyone on here been thru something similar?

Who survived?
Who divorced?
Who re-married?
Who has regrets and why?

These things will help..... even when I am having a 'good' day..... it really isn't good!


----------



## Chaparral

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I reconciled two years and kicked her out. It just wasn't the same. I kinda doubt I would ever reconcile again. Too many good people out there to go with a known cheater.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Chaparral said:


> I reconciled two years and kicked her out. It just wasn't the same. I kinda doubt I would ever reconcile again. Too many good people out there to go with a known cheater.


See this is the sort of thing I want to know.

I spend all my day wondering if I will R.... but if I did would I resent?

How long did it take for you to get back with her? How long before you realised not the same? Did you do the 180 or similar? Any kids involved?

What is your life now? You say too many good people out there so did you get together with someone new? Did you trust again? Do you miss your other half?

Sorry... but I have soooo much to ask


----------



## Just Joe

manindespair said:


> I agree with most of the points being said. You are correct.... I don't owe her explanations but I have just become accustomed to giving them.
> 
> In all honest relationships you have no reason not to tell your other half everything so you get in the habit of doing so. Now that all this has happened it is hard to stop what you have been doing for years.
> 
> - I explain my actions
> - I phone to say hi on night out
> - I show affection to the one I love
> - I talk about my day / life
> etc etc etc
> 
> Now all this has happened it is soooooooo hard to change your actions. I wish I could flick a switch but that is not possible.
> 
> I guess I am going to have to learn my way again but easier said than done!!!
> 
> Don't get me wrong, EVERYONE on here definitely means well. THE TRUTH is that this is my life... not a drama series but I feel like I am in a soap opera!
> 
> Has everyone on here been thru something similar?
> 
> Who survived?
> Who divorced?
> Who re-married?
> Who has regrets and why?
> 
> These things will help..... even when I am having a 'good' day..... it really isn't good!


I reconciled but my wife didn't give me any sh1t like yours is. But my parents taught me from a young age not to put up eith anyone else's bullsh1t, though I only really learned those lessons well by dating a lot and getting serious with a few in my early to mid 20s. I got married about age 30 and now am early 50s with 2 kids high school and younger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Joe

Just Joe said:


> I reconciled but my wife didn't give me any sh1t like yours is. But my parents taught me from a young age not to put up eith anyone else's bullsh1t, though I only really learned those lessons well by dating a lot and getting serious with a few in my early to mid 20s. I got married about age 30 and now am early 50s with 2 kids high school and younger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everything's good now, even trust, but you never forget. The marriage is better in all respects except that you remember she cheated. If not for kids I would never have reconciled initially, I'm good now but sometimes I wonder how I'll feel after the kids grow up and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> Everything's good now, even trust, but you never forget. The marriage is better in all respects except that you remember she cheated. If not for kids I would never have reconciled initially, I'm good now but sometimes I wonder how I'll feel after the kids grow up and leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See... thats the thing. My wife has always been stubborn and NEVER said sorry for anything that has happened. I loved her for her strength and independence - I really did (do).

Now that she has done this.... I KNOW she should be begging me but I also know that is not the woman I married so it is so hard to know what to expect.

Trust me... I have never been walked all over (well until now) and my parents brought me up in the same way. If you are being bullied - hit them hard!!!

Do I want her to feel remorse? Yes of course. Do I expect it? From the woman I married I can't see her ever being that way!

It's good to hear that people do R as it makes you realise that sometime things go that way and the people end up happy (but never forget). My brother in law (my wife bro) cheated, and she has been an absolute rock with me. She has gone through all the things I am and came through the other side.

I guess sometimes it feels there is just no hope and I should give up.... I am not a quitter but as some peole have said.... she quit on me a long time ago.

BUT... sometimes it does work out!


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> I reconciled but my wife didn't give me any sh1t like yours is. But my parents taught me from a young age not to put up eith anyone else's bullsh1t, though I only really learned those lessons well by dating a lot and getting serious with a few in my early to mid 20s. I got married about age 30 and now am early 50s with 2 kids high school and younger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what would you have done if you had kids at the time?


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Has everyone on here been thru something similar?


Not sure about "everyone", but I'd hazard a guess and say that _at least *most*_ of the folks that have commented in your thread up until now (myself included) have experienced some form of infidelity within their own marriages.

You've been given the advice that you've been given _because it works_.


----------



## Just Joe

manindespair said:


> what would you have done if you had kids at the time?


I did have kids. If I didn't I probably would have divorced. If my wife acted like yours I would have filed already even with the kids. I had 20 years in, if my wife didn't choose me right away after that much time I couldn't get over it. Even now there is a feeling of me being weak for staying with her. How does your wife get through life never apologizing when she is wrong? Does she apologize to people other than you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Joe

manindespair said:


> See... thats the thing. My wife has always been stubborn and NEVER said sorry for anything that has happened. I loved her for her strength and independence - I really did (do).
> 
> Now that she has done this.... I KNOW she should be begging me but I also know that is not the woman I married so it is so hard to know what to expect.
> 
> Trust me... I have never been walked all over (well until now) and my parents brought me up in the same way. If you are being bullied - hit them hard!!!
> 
> Do I want her to feel remorse? Yes of course. Do I expect it? From the woman I married I can't see her ever being that way!!


How does she get through life this way? What do other people think of her never saying sorry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> How does she get through life this way? What do other people think of her never saying sorry?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
How many other men before you?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



Just Joe said:


> I did have kids. If I didn't I probably would have divorced. If my wife acted like yours I would have filed already even with the kids. I had 20 years in, if my wife didn't choose me right away after that much time I couldn't get over it. Even now there is a feeling of me being weak for staying with her. How does your wife get through life never apologizing when she is wrong? Does she apologize to people other than you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No mate.... she loses friends because of it sometimes. Her whole family are like it.... VERY cold.

The thing is I have always seen her remorse in other ways


----------



## staystrong

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Don't confuse pity, self-pity and sympathy for remorse.


----------



## WyshIknew

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> No mate.... she loses friends because of it sometimes. Her whole family are like it.... VERY cold.


Not being 'funny' or mean to hurt but why did you marry her?

She sounds awful.


----------



## bandit.45

WyshIknew said:


> Not being 'funny' or mean to hurt but why did you marry her?
> 
> She sounds awful.


She's probably hot in the sack. That's the reason most wildcats like her are able to find guys to marry them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

You can't control others (your old lady) but you can set boundries and what consequences are when those boundries are crossed.

So yes you need "rules" (boundries) ....your old lady has to see that commanding respect is not demanding respect....your old lady can *choose* what she tolorates just like you have the same choices in what you tolorate.

This isn't about controlling, its about commiting to meeting each others needs. It will alweays be up to your chick to make that commitment or not!

Make your boundries clear to her...at the end of the day it will be up to her to meet them or not.
What sucks big time is your old lady is still fogged in...the family unit is in danger and the OM is the infection not the cure!


----------



## the guy

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> I realise major fail.... no I did not express my undying love or anything like that but just asked her how her night had been. Was sooooo p!ssed off with myself for doing it


Another lesson learned....this crap takes time...your relationship took time to grow ....it will take time time to dissolve....only then will she see thru the fog and see whats at stake


Asking her any thing still shows her that you are her plan B!

If the OM is still in the pic...then all is lost.

Raise your attraction level by going out and showing her that you can let her go.

Stop sharing your wife! 

Until your old lady makes this M a priority you are fighting a up hill battle.


----------



## sandc

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

When the roller coaster slows down let her know you love her but you don't need her. You'll be fine with or without her. Personally I think you guys have a shot at R. But take your time and see if that's what you really want.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



WyshIknew said:


> Not being 'funny' or mean to hurt but why did you marry her?
> 
> She sounds awful.


Ha ha ha yes I have put her across that way but to be honest she really 'wasn't. She was kind and would do anything for anyone, she was loving but in her own way, she was my best friend... my companion that I could tell anything to - I miss this part the most!




the guy said:


> You can't control others (your old lady) but you can set boundries and what consequences are when those boundries are crossed.
> 
> So yes you need "rules" (boundries) ....your old lady has to see that commanding respect is not demanding respect....your old lady can *choose* what she tolorates just like you have the same choices in what you tolorate.
> 
> This isn't about controlling, its about commiting to meeting each others needs. It will alweays be up to your chick to make that commitment or not!
> 
> Make your boundries clear to her...at the end of the day it will be up to her to meet them or not.
> What sucks big time is your old lady is still fogged in...the family unit is in danger and the OM is the infection not the cure!


Spot on, I have already started writing a list of the things I need to set. I started saying last night one of them but to be honest the timing was awful. We had a good day yesterday, she was in a good mood and I started saying when we went to bed - off the cuff.

She said that she wasn't blowing it off but was it ok to leave it tonight as in a good mood, been a good day and just before bed wasn't ideal.

To be honest I agreed.




the guy said:


> Another lesson learned....this crap takes time...your relationship took time to grow ....it will take time time to dissolve....only then will she see thru the fog and see whats at stake
> 
> 
> Asking her any thing still shows her that you are her plan B!
> 
> If the OM is still in the pic...then all is lost.
> 
> Raise your attraction level by going out and showing her that you can let her go.
> 
> Stop sharing your wife!
> 
> Until your old lady makes this M a priority you are fighting a up hill battle.


Yeah I think thats where I am at the moment. OM not still in the picture but I guess still in her head.

The more distant / more time we spend apart the better we are. We both need space...... 





sandc said:


> When the roller coaster slows down let her know you love her but you don't need her. You'll be fine with or without her. Personally I think you guys have a shot at R. But take your time and see if that's what you really want.


Yeah I think I need this up and down stage to level off before we go down the R route. 

Cant give her my 'conditions' when her mind is all over the place.

By the way, as we are both 50 / 50 on the relationship issues, should she also give me some 'conditions' to help us not go through all this again? IF we do go down the R route, IF we BOTH try, the whole family can't go through this again!!!!


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH THIS SH!T !!!!!!????????

So the last few days, since I realised I was totally CO-DEPENDENT (what a joke that is!!!!) things seem to be ok-ish.

The 180 helped and so does this site and I realised I needed to keep my my space and I have. 

She has been OK.... not good but definitely not bad. Today we had a quick talk about going out Saturday (he booked a show for fathers day) and we spoke about I only wanted to do it if there was no pressure on us. She agreed and then said not sure if we should do it or not!!!!

We had a quick chat and she said last Thursday she was ready to end it all with me, we then didn't speak on Friday and then on Saturday we had a quick convo. I realised that I wanted to have my own life, not be in each others pockets etc.

Today, she said to me that 'That' convo from Saturday has really helped and that she feels we are getting somewhere.

SO WHY AM I HURTING SO BAD INSIDE?

I want to go out with her on saturday (I have been looking forward to it). She said earlier in the convo that it would be nice and by the end of it 'wasn't sure'.

Now my head keeps thinking over and over again that she is distancing herself again and I am HURTING. 

I thought I had sorted myself slightly with the 180 but now I am feeling low and from what I can see FOR NO REASON!!!!

She hasn't said anything bad


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Your wife's head is a bag of cats. You need to emotionally isolate yourself from her. As far as possible. 

You are not really doing the 180. Nowhere in the 180 rules does it say go out with her or date her, and here you are setting up a date for Saturday? 

Either follow all the steps of the 180 or don't do it at all. You are trying to half-ass this and that's why you are confused. 

Have you seen a lawyer? Have you separated your finances? Start doing these things and I guarantee your wife will come out of some of the fog she is in. 

Quit worrying about her and start living for yourself.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Your wife's head is a bag of cats. You need to emotionally isolate yourself from her. As far as possible.
> 
> You are not really doing the 180. Nowhere in the 180 rules does it say go out with her or date her, and here you are setting up a date for Saturday?
> 
> Either follow all the steps of the 180 or don't do it at all. You are trying to half-ass this and that's why you are confused.
> 
> Have you seen a lawyer? Have you separated your finances? Start doing these things and I guarantee your wife will come out of some of the fog she is in.
> 
> Quit worrying about her and start living for yourself.




Thanks Band-it. She arranged the night out a couple of weeks ago as a father day present and brought up the convo today.

The 180 is a little confusing on this as she started the convo - I am not supposed to start and conversation am I?


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Have you seen a lawyer? Have you separated your finances? Start doing these things and I guarantee your wife will come out of some of the fog she is in.


I haven't seen a lawyer but yes I took 50% out of the joint account to separate moneys.


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> Thanks Band-it. She arranged the night out a couple of weeks ago as a father day present and brought up the convo today.
> 
> The 180 is a little confusing on this as she started the convo - I am not supposed to start and conversation am I?


Correct. Basically you treat her like another piece of the furniture. A houseplant to walk around, not engage with. 

When she wants to talk you stand there and listen. Don't engage emotionally, don't give her answers immediately. Always tell her "I'll think about it" or "I will give that consideration and get back with you". Then walk away. 

Tell her you will no longer be speaking to her about your marriage. As long as the other man is in her life there is really nothing to talk about, and marriage counseling is useless. 

Talk about only the things that are required: paying the bills, the kids schedules, finances....the day to day housekeeping stuff. Never talk about your feelings....ever. She doesn't care. 

Always be courteous and cheerful, act like you are moving on and excited about doing so (even though you are in agony). It is a "fake it till you make it" deal. Start going out on weekends by yourself. Throw out your old clothes and buy some really nice new ones... Stylish ones. Hit the gym and start working out four times a week or so. Start eating right. Only take nutritious foods into your body. Start treating yourself like a king. Hook up,with old friends you have not seen for years. Re-explore old interest and hobbies that you gave up for her. 

Live your life without her and without worrying about what she is doing.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Correct. Basically you treat her like another piece of the furniture. A houseplant to walk around, not engage with.
> 
> When she wants to talk you stand there and listen. Don't engage emotionally, don't give her answers immediately. Always tell her "I'll think about it" or "I will give that consideration and get back with you". Then walk away.
> 
> Tell her you will no longer be speaking to her about your marriage. As long as the other man is in her life there is really nothing to talk about, and marriage counseling is useless.
> 
> Talk about only the things that are required: paying the bills, the kids schedules, finances....the day to day housekeeping stuff. Never talk about your feelings....ever. She doesn't care.
> 
> Always be courteous and cheerful, act like you are moving on and excited about doing so (even though you are in agony). It is a "fake it till you make it" deal. Start going out on weekends by yourself. Throw out your old clothes and buy some really nice new ones... Stylish ones. Hit the gym and start working out four times a week or so. Start eating right. Only take nutritious foods into your body. Start treating yourself like a king. Hook up,with old friends you have not seen for years. Re-explore old interest and hobbies that you gave up for her.
> 
> Live your life without her and without worrying about what she is doing.


For the record, she says she hasn't seen or heard from him since they split which was before D day.

Thanks mate for your advice.... appreciate it! Really needed straight talk.

cheers


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

MID... No offense intended here, but you should probably stick to a single thread when chronicling your marital woes. At last count you'd opened at least three different threads, which can be a bit confusing for everyone involved (i.e. yourself as well as those contributing input).


----------



## lordmayhem

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> MID... No offense intended here, but you should probably stick to a single thread when chronicling your marital woes. At last count you'd opened at least three different threads, which can be a bit confusing for everyone involved (i.e. yourself as well as those contributing input).


:iagree:

One member would post multiple threads and expect people to know his story. He would then get rude with those who commented because they didn't read thru his multiple threads. That guy made my ignore list.


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> For the record, she says she hasn't seen or heard from him since they split which was before D day.
> 
> Thanks mate for your advice.... appreciate it! Really needed straight talk.
> 
> cheers


Cheaters lie. You would need to monitor her texts and e-mails to verify. 

The idea of the 180 is to bring yourself to a place of complete emotional independence from your wife...not to lure her back. By making the changes the 180 espouses, you take the focus off her and the marriage and back onto you where it belongs. Now, she may see the changes you are making and say to herself "oh sh!t! He's getting ready to leave me!" And then she might (I say might) square herself around and start showing some fear and remorse. 

All you have demonstrated to her is that you fear losing her. She uses that fear to manipulate you and take advantage of you. She knows you will not leave her no matter how bad she treats you. Doing the 180 takes away that advantage and levels the playing field so to speak.


----------



## lordmayhem

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> For the record, she says she hasn't seen or heard from him since they split which was before D day.
> 
> Thanks mate for your advice.... appreciate it! Really needed straight talk.
> 
> cheers


Please don't tell me you took her word for it. :slap:

This is one of *THE* most common lies a cheater says after DDay. You haven't even monitored her comms.


----------



## lordmayhem

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> All you have demonstrated to her is that you fear losing her. She uses that fear to manipulate you and take advantage of you. She knows you will not leave her no matter how bad she treats you. Doing the 180 takes away that advantage and levels the playing field so to speak.


This one is going to be tough to break out of the BS fog.


----------



## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



GusPolinski said:


> MID... No offense intended here, but you should probably stick to a single thread when chronicling your marital woes. At last count you'd opened at least three different threads, which can be a bit confusing for everyone involved (i.e. yourself as well as those contributing input).


Sorry about this.... I really really have never been on forums before so never knew the etiquette


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



lordmayhem said:


> This one is going to be tough to break out of the BS fog.


so so true.... but done now!


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

So.... Cheaters lie!!!! Simple.

I am totally new to this sh!t but I have to say it has been the hardest lesson of my life.

So, we have kinda plodded on with me trying the 180, not perfectly by any means but trying to build my life again which after a short period of time I can say I am doing ok.

We are due to have a break from each other starting sunday so we can both find out what we really want.

I have been monitoring phone etc which each time she finds out she hates. BUT today I found a text from yesterday saying "I really miss you, just wanted to tell you".

This is a number not in her phone contacts but saved in her laptop ones under a bogus name (or she is cheating on me with another guy!!!).

So tonight I filled out the divorce paperwork.... need more info off her but as always she is out on the town.

So I guess that is it.... thinking of waiting tip she comes home, making her feel good about herself and then hitting her with the "no f'in way I am plan B" and telling her to get the F out with her hangover!

I am fitted... but better to know I guess


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## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Sorry man, but now you know the truth. All you have to do is read the false reconciliation threads to understand, it is better to know now then wait months, even years, to learn they never stopped contact.


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## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Sorry to hear that. I expected it though. Now is the time to take progressive steps to protect yourself and your assets. Get that D filed. Ask her to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Sorry to hear that. I expected it though. Now is the time to take progressive steps to protect yourself and your assets. Get that D filed. Ask her to leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK... so a bit of an update and one that I probably need some feedback from if anyone has some time.

I filed for divorce, told her and she was devastated (worse than I have seen her in all this time). She just kept holding me and I kept pushing her away.

Anyway... she wanted to work at it but she went to live at her brothers house whilst he was away. She stayed there a couple of days and then kept coming back. I said to her that she should make use of the house whilst he was away and use it as time to think.... something that she didn't do as often as she should.

So.... where are we now. She is at home and to be fair to her she is trying a lot more. She leaves her phone lying around for me to see, she has agreed and is attending marriage counselling, we cancelled the house move, no family holiday etc etc..

I am a lot stronger than when I first started but I do struggle with the 180 (although I need to do it and understand this). My problem really relies on my gut feeling!!!!

I see that she is trying, but she is STILL IN THE FOG!!! I just see that she is not happy and although she is starting to do all the right things, I still feel like Plan B. 

We have agreed to only talk about our relationship in therapy and also once a week for an hour. This is also good for me as I feel a lot more relaxed and don't need it to go over and over in my head day after day.

It's just.... I see her under pressure. I see her struggling. I see her sometimes sad. She wants her family but the 'fog' just makes her not enjoy what she's got.

She even said the other day that she is not a naturally 'maternal' person and doesn't want to do things with her family!!!! Seriously that is just horrible!!!! I know it's how she feels but how can you not want to take your kids out????


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## badmemory

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> OK... so a bit of an update and one that I probably need some feedback from if anyone has some time.
> 
> I filed for divorce, told her and she was devastated (worse than I have seen her in all this time). She just kept holding me and I kept pushing her away.
> 
> Anyway... she wanted to work at it but she went to live at her brothers house whilst he was away. She stayed there a couple of days and then kept coming back. I said to her that she should make use of the house whilst he was away and use it as time to think.... something that she didn't do as often as she should.
> 
> So.... where are we now. She is at home and to be fair to her she is trying a lot more. She leaves her phone lying around for me to see, she has agreed and is attending marriage counselling, we cancelled the house move, no family holiday etc etc..
> 
> I am a lot stronger than when I first started but I do struggle with the 180 (although I need to do it and understand this). My problem really relies on my gut feeling!!!!
> 
> I see that she is trying, but she is STILL IN THE FOG!!! I just see that she is not happy and although she is starting to do all the right things, I still feel like Plan B.
> 
> We have agreed to only talk about our relationship in therapy and also once a week for an hour. This is also good for me as I feel a lot more relaxed and don't need it to go over and over in my head day after day.
> 
> It's just.... I see her under pressure. I see her struggling. I see her sometimes sad. She wants her family but the 'fog' just makes her not enjoy what she's got.
> 
> She even said the other day that she is not a naturally 'maternal' person and doesn't want to do things with her family!!!! Seriously that is just horrible!!!! I know it's how she feels but how can you not want to take your kids out????


If you've started the divorce process, you're in the best position you can be in. You have a number of months to judge her remorse and to sort out if you can get past this if she is remorseful. Make sure she demonstrates that to you with every look, every word and every action before you even consider R.

Also, it's not unusual for WS's to pine for their AP. You should give her a small amount of time to come around - but I'm talking weeks, not months.


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## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> OK... so a bit of an update and one that I probably need some feedback from if anyone has some time.
> 
> I filed for divorce, told her and she was devastated (worse than I have seen her in all this time). She just kept holding me and I kept pushing her away.
> 
> Anyway... she wanted to work at it but she went to live at her brothers house whilst he was away. She stayed there a couple of days and then kept coming back. I said to her that she should make use of the house whilst he was away and use it as time to think.... something that she didn't do as often as she should.
> 
> So.... where are we now. She is at home and to be fair to her she is trying a lot more. She leaves her phone lying around for me to see, she has agreed and is attending marriage counselling, we cancelled the house move, no family holiday etc etc..
> 
> I am a lot stronger than when I first started but I do struggle with the 180 (although I need to do it and understand this). My problem really relies on my gut feeling!!!!
> 
> I see that she is trying, but she is STILL IN THE FOG!!! I just see that she is not happy and although she is starting to do all the right things, I still feel like Plan B.
> 
> We have agreed to only talk about our relationship in therapy and also once a week for an hour. This is also good for me as I feel a lot more relaxed and don't need it to go over and over in my head day after day.
> 
> It's just.... I see her under pressure. I see her struggling. I see her sometimes sad. She wants her family but the 'fog' just makes her not enjoy what she's got.
> 
> She even said the other day that she is not a naturally 'maternal' person and doesn't want to do things with her family!!!! Seriously that is just horrible!!!! I know it's how she feels but how can you not want to take your kids out????



Best thing to do is print out the 180 and keep it on you for quick reference. Remember, don't concentrate on her. Your problem as I see it is that you are way too focused on her and her needs and moods. Focus on yourself first, children second, job third and then she should be way down on the list. Keep working on yourself, keep expanding your horizons outside the marriage. Start doing more things on your own that don't involve her. 

Did you ever watch the original Star Trek? Remember Spock? Be like him when you are with her. Logical, objective and matter of fact....but polite. Never let her see you sweat or cry. Do your crying in the pub, or the basement. 

If she has broken up with her OM the the fog should be lifting faster than it has, I think. Have you confirmed he is out of the picture? And marriage counseling is useless unless you have confirmed she is no longer I touch with the OM. 

Has she admitted to the affair going physical?

Did she write a no-contact letter to the OM telling him the affair is over and not to call or text her anymore?

Did you notify the other man's wife (if he has one)?

Have you made it a requirement of reconciliation that she get tested for STDs? Have you gotten tested?

Have you exposed her adultery to family and friends?


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



badmemory said:


> Also, it's not unusual for WS's to pine for their AP. You should give her a a small amount of time to come around - but I'm talking weeks, not months.


I think that's the thing.... I am quite understanding that she is pining. I understand that due to the for he was up on a pedastool and I am just the scummy husband who is boring etc. The 'fog' posts have really helped me in this process as basically I think I know why she acts like a mad woman!!!!

It's hard to sit back and wait tho.... without thinking I want to shake her head and say wake the fk up!!!!!


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## harrybrown

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Go ahead and say it.

Say it loud and she should have heard it when you filed for D. Maybe she will wake up and if she doesn't, your 180 could lead you in a direction to someone who does not treat you this way.

Good luck but hopefully your happiness will get better in the future.


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Best thing to do is print out the 180 and keep it on you for quick reference. Remember, don't concentrate on her. Your problem as I see it is that you are way too focused on her and her needs and moods. Focus on yourself first, children second, job third and then she should be way down on the list. Keep working on yourself, keep expanding your horizons outside the marriage. Start doing more things on your own that don't involve her.


I have been trying to do this and doing quite well to be honest. I go out more... play more sport..... see my friends etc etc.

Did you ever watch the original Star Trek? Remember Spock? Be like him when you are with her. Logical, objective and matter of fact....but polite. Never let her see you sweat or cry. Do your crying in the pub, or the basement. 

If she has broken up with her OM the the fog should be lifting faster than it has, I think. Have you confirmed he is out of the picture? And marriage counseling is useless unless you have confirmed she is no longer I touch with the OM. 

*100% not in contact anymore but he dumped her. He has blocked her on whatsapp and FB. Think this is why it hit her so hard as well.*

Has she admitted to the affair going physical?

*Yes.... and told me everything I asked*

Did she write a no-contact letter to the OM telling him the affair is over and not to call or text her anymore?

*No because he has blocked her and wants nothing more to do with her*

Did you notify the other man's wife (if he has one)?
*Doesn't have one
*
Have you made it a requirement of reconciliation that she get tested for STDs? Have you gotten tested?

*Yes I have... she has... all clear and she says she wore condoms (not sure if this is true)
*
Have you exposed her adultery to family and friends?[/QUOTE]

*Not all but some*


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## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> It's hard to sit back and wait tho.... without thinking I want to shake her head and say wake the fk up!!!!!


Why are you waiting? See, this is where you are falling down. Instead of focusing on your future, improving yourself and taking your destiny by the throat and squeezing what you want out of life, you are waiting for her to make some kind of preemptive move. 

You need to stop this behavior now.

Your passivity, indecisiveness, procrastination and dilly dallying are some of the main reasons she lost respect for you. Turn it around and take leadership,of your own life. You drive the train now. She can either jump on your train or you leave her behind at the station.


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## manindespair

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



bandit.45 said:


> Best thing to do is print out the 180 and keep it on you for quick reference. Remember, don't concentrate on her. Your problem as I see it is that you are way too focused on her and her needs and moods. Focus on yourself first, children second, job third and then she should be way down on the list. Keep working on yourself, keep expanding your horizons outside the marriage. Start doing more things on your own that don't involve her.
> 
> Did you ever watch the original Star Trek? Remember Spock? Be like him when you are with her. Logical, objective and matter of fact....but polite. Never let her see you sweat or cry. Do your crying in the pub, or the basement.
> 
> If she has broken up with her OM the the fog should be lifting faster than it has, I think. Have you confirmed he is out of the picture? And marriage counseling is useless unless you have confirmed she is no longer I touch with the OM.
> 
> Has she admitted to the affair going physical?
> 
> Did she write a no-contact letter to the OM telling him the affair is over and not to call or text her anymore?
> 
> Did you notify the other man's wife (if he has one)?
> 
> Have you made it a requirement of reconciliation that she get tested for STDs? Have you gotten tested?
> 
> Have you exposed her adultery to family and friends?





bandit.45 said:


> Why are you waiting? See, this is where you are falling down. Instead of focusing on your future, improving yourself and taking your destiny by the throat and squeezing what you want out of life, you are waiting for her to make some kind of preemptive move.
> 
> You need to stop this behavior now.
> 
> Your passivity, indecisiveness, procrastination and dilly dallying are some of the main reasons she lost respect for you. Turn it around and take leadership,of your own life. You drive the train now. She can either jump on your train or you leave her behind at the station.


There is definitely a BS fog too and this is hard to let go of!!! 

I am working on myself and my life but I think about the happiness of the kids, and if I am honest the WHOLE family including her side.

It's so hard to just put yourself FIRST!!! I haven't done that for years which... you are correct is the main reason she lost respect for me!!!!!


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## bandit.45

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> There is definitely a BS fog too and this is hard to let go of!!!
> 
> 
> * It's a choice. *
> 
> I am working on myself and my life but I think about the happiness of the kids, and if I am honest the WHOLE family including her side.
> 
> *. Really? I hate to say it but...to hell with her side of the family. They can take care of themselves, and I would go so far as to surmise that many of them knew of her affair before you did. *
> 
> It's so hard to just put yourself FIRST!!! I haven't done that for years which... you are correct is the main reason she lost respect for me!!!!!
> 
> *. Why do you feel so unworthy? *


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## Chaparral

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Have you bought the two books linked to below? Do it now!


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## lordmayhem

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> *100% not in contact anymore but he dumped her. He has blocked her on whatsapp and FB. Think this is why it hit her so hard as well.*


You know this is a lie. The affair has gone underground. Remember your post on the 4th of July?

07-04-2014, 08:31 PM



manindespair said:


> I have been monitoring phone etc which each time she finds out she hates. BUT today I found a text from yesterday saying "I really miss you, just wanted to tell you".
> 
> This is a number not in her phone contacts but saved in her laptop ones under a bogus name (or she is cheating on me with another guy!!!)


And then this today:



manindespair said:


> Anyway... *she wanted to work at it but she went to live at her brothers house whilst he was away*. She stayed there a couple of days and then kept coming back. I said to her that she should make use of the house whilst he was away and use it as time to think.... something that she didn't do as often as she should.


You know what happened don't you? She went to be with OM, or OM came over. Did you find out if there is OM#2?

It's so obvious to me that the affair is NOT over, that they simply took it underground. Look at the signs. 


New unknown number that she texted saying she loved him
Says she wanted to work it out, but goes to watch her brothers house?
Still moping around, instead of busting her ass to make things right with you and commit to you 100%
She used to hate you checking her phone, now she leaves is out? 

Look for a secret phone. We call it a burner phone, which is a phone you can buy on the side. Either that, or they switch out the SIM cards.


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## Stevenj

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Why don't you get out of the house by going to the gym.


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## Chaparral

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

Is she still going out by herself? If so that has to stop completely. If she is, she sees that as the good life and being with her family as drudgery.

She's a prime candidate for getting drunk and having, feel good one night stands.

Have you put a var in the house and car?


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## missthelove2013

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> did that a few weeks ago and she didn't want it. Also said about cancelling the house move and she won't go forward with the cancellation either.
> 
> She just keeps saying he is not sure she loves me as a husband.


I know its been a month and without reading further yet, at this point I would do the 180 and file for divorce, start separating bank accounts, and tell her to get her ass out!

Do NOT let her talk her way back, she has to leave, you have to file...only then can you consider counseling or the like...you dont have to finish the Divorce yet, just file

she needs a good knock to the head, not literally, to figure out what she wants

my guess is the typical scenario...you are simply a wallet, baby sitter, and house stuff fixer upper...she doest want to loose the security, but she isnt getting the romantic sex stuff from you, doesnt want it from you, she sees you as weak, a beta...:scratchhead:


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## missthelove2013

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



manindespair said:


> HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH THIS SH!T !!!!!!????????
> 
> So the last few days, since I realised I was totally CO-DEPENDENT (what a joke that is!!!!) things seem to be ok-ish.
> 
> The 180 helped and so does this site and I realised I needed to keep my my space and I have.
> 
> She has been OK.... not good but definitely not bad. Today we had a quick talk about going out Saturday (he booked a show for fathers day) and we spoke about I only wanted to do it if there was no pressure on us. She agreed and then said not sure if we should do it or not!!!!
> 
> We had a quick chat and she said last Thursday she was ready to end it all with me, we then didn't speak on Friday and then on Saturday we had a quick convo. I realised that I wanted to have my own life, not be in each others pockets etc.
> 
> Today, she said to me that 'That' convo from Saturday has really helped and that she feels we are getting somewhere.
> 
> SO WHY AM I HURTING SO BAD INSIDE?
> 
> I want to go out with her on saturday (I have been looking forward to it). She said earlier in the convo that it would be nice and by the end of it 'wasn't sure'.
> 
> Now my head keeps thinking over and over again that she is distancing herself again and I am HURTING.
> 
> I thought I had sorted myself slightly with the 180 but now I am feeling low and from what I can see FOR NO REASON!!!!
> 
> She hasn't said anything bad


your not doing the 180...at all..you keep having these "quick convos" and are making dates? She still has you to flip flop all over and gets a reaction...the only thing you have to discuss with her during 180 is the kids and the house stuff...thats IT..if she wants a convo, let her call a friend...

you have yet to even approach a 180, thats why its barely working:scratchhead:


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## bigfoot

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

You, sir, are in for a world of hurt. More than you already have. You see, your wife's fidelity depends on the OM. The fog or pining for the other person works both ways. Your wife pines for him and soon, he may pine for her. You said that HE cut her off. What happens when he unblocks her?

I pity you because you are so willing to stand by while she's in her fog, when all that it takes is for him to be her lighthouse and she goes back. Think of the fog like mind sex. She's having it with him, you, unhappily, are so in love that you are willing to sit and watch her have mind sex with him and hope she decides to stop. That is going to make the subsequent real thing more painful. You will double down on your sitting by and repeat.

Since you want her, throw some cold water on her. Your pain was not enough. File for divorce, move aggressively, do not pull back until she is objectively begging for you to stop. I don't mean that, "I could tell she meant it" crap, I mean anyone observing her would know that she was done mind screwing him and was deathly afraid of losing you. Until that happens, you are depending on the decision of the OM to determine your fate. Its hard to do, but you gotta go big or she's going to his home again.


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## badmemory

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

manindespair,

Affairs are bad enough, but when it's documented and admitted that you are the plan B, it's very difficult to R. I know this from experience.

Don't make the mistake I made. I agreed to R with my WW too soon. She was only out of the house for a few days. She didn't have long enough to process the consequences. Severe acts of betrayal require extreme demonstrations of contrition.

I would tell her as much, if you haven't already. Tell her you're continuing on with the D. If at some point she can convince you:

- That she's still not pining for the OM

- That she's capable of demonstrating unconditional remorse 

- That she can convince you that making you a plan B was the biggest mistake of her life

- And - after time to process what she's done, you feel like you can "attempt" R

Then, it's possible you will reconsider "delaying" the D.

But she shouldn't take for granted that you will agree to R and if you do, that you can't change your mind.


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## lordmayhem

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*

I don't think she's pining, I think she's still in contact with OM since she knows he monitors her phone. She has a burner phone, or extra SIM card. She is in contact with OM through some other means. He depends on facebook too much. It's not hard for them to make up another account. My fWW and her OM did. And he never did find out what that unknown number was that she texted that she loved him. 

This is a similar situation with Road Scholar, where his wife wasn't reconnecting with him. We told him the signs were that she was still in contact with OM, and we were right.


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## badmemory

*Re: 6 weeks ago and she still "doesn't know" what she wants!!!! Now I have found 180.*



lordmayhem said:


> I don't think she's pining, I think she's still in contact with OM since she knows he monitors her phone.


Very possible.


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