# so now what..



## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

Ive posted the story before.....so i wont re hash that again.....its been roughly 2 weeks since we had our last all out divorce fight...where she agreed she had to make sure there was no doubt about wanting a divorce so we "she" is working thru her feelings.....we sleep in the same bed...we talk......I say I love you she says I know and thank you.....I miss her .....its like we are 1000000 miles apart from each other when sitting int eh same room.......now ive found that shes changed passwords to both landline and cell phone accounts...when confronted she said those were her last things of privacy that she has and i need to trust her...really......so here i sit ready to go to counciling session #2 and wondering if im spinning my wheels......she seems to care...sometimes.....and other times seems cold and rigid.....her affair partner swears that he is working on his own relationship and has no interests what so ever with my wife.......nothing i can do but try to believe her at this point right? she holds the cards. how long do i wait and see......how long can it take a person to crack the door to their heart and let a person who LOVES them back in.....18 years..we had together she cheats and im the one holding on for dear life......yes im weak and pathetic...but i love her.....i cried out int he garage the otehr day because of a song that come on that reminded me of her...she caught me crying and said knock it off and walked away.......is that a sign im missing....am i so messed up that my common sense has disappeared and im missing the big picture.....maybe I need to go.....my kids will forgive me one day i pray.....is there an success stories out there.....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The notion of privacy in a marriage is a myth. I can't fathom why so many married couples feel that privacy is a right within a marriage.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

have you read this? if not please do...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

you can get thru this... you will be ok..it may seem like the end of the world, but really its not, life will go on and you will be happy again....

I dont know your whole story just yet, but do not under any circumstance let her see you cry, do not beg, plead with her, it just dosent work (been there) if you do, it makes you look weak in her eyes..think about that...others will be jumping in real soon with better advice than I can give you....

sorry you are here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry for what you are going through. I sucks, clearly.

No you should not leave your home and your children. If anyone leaves it need to be her, without the children. Tell her that if she wants out of the marriage then fine, she can go but she is not taking the children with her.

See an attorney ASAP to make sure you know your state laws about what rights a parent has to prevent the other from taking the child out of their home. 

You are right that it’s wrong that she is the one who cheated and here you are the one hanging on for your life. You need to find a way to change this around.

Are the land line and cell accounts in her name only? If your name are on them then you have the legal right to access to the accounts. Just call up the companies and get their help in changing the password.
The response to her saying that she changed them and you have to trust her is that her changing those shows that she is not trust worthy. Thus you do not trust her. That she has to do things, like be totally open, give you all her passwords and to all of her accounts, etc. Why? Because she has to prove every day now that she can be trusted.

It takes 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from the affair. She needs to be helping you recover and to prove that she can be trusted. Instead she is acting like she is entitled to cheat. 

Have you considered putting a keystroke logger on her computer so that you can see what she’s up to? You could get the password that way and then see what she is hiding.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

"i cried out int he garage the otehr day because of a song that come on that reminded me of her...she caught me crying and said knock it off and walked away......."

After Dday#2 and NC had been established and Even in those first few weeks when my wife was still in love with the OM, if I cried, she had compassion for me and held me. She ALWAYS had compassion for me.

I can't imagine hearing my wife say to me what yours did to you. That is COLD, and YES it's a sign a BIG FAT HUGE SIGN that she doesn't care and I bet she is still in contact with the OM or she is having sever withdraw.

EleGirl is right, Time to snoop!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So when are you filing?

She shows zero empathy for you man. I was in that boat, if it doesn't affect me in a bad way, I don't give an "F" what happens to you. Man up and suck it up, you being a little baby is getting on my nerves.

See how it goes, everything is still her, her, her.

BTW, when you file, she more than likely will pour on the croc tears, don't fall for it, it'll be tempting but until she really changes you stay on target with what you want.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

shattered man said:


> Ive posted the story before.....so i wont re hash that again.....its been roughly 2 weeks since we had our last all out divorce fight...where she agreed she had to make sure there was no doubt about wanting a divorce so we "she" is working thru her feelings.....we sleep in the same bed...we talk......I say I love you she says I know and thank you.....I miss her .....its like we are 1000000 miles apart from each other when sitting int eh same room.......now ive found that shes changed passwords to both landline and cell phone accounts...when confronted she said those were her last things of privacy that she has and i need to trust her...really......so here i sit ready to go to counciling session #2 and wondering if im spinning my wheels......she seems to care...sometimes.....and other times seems cold and rigid.....her affair partner swears that he is working on his own relationship and has no interests what so ever with my wife.......nothing i can do but try to believe her at this point right? she holds the cards. how long do i wait and see......how long can it take a person to crack the door to their heart and let a person who LOVES them back in.....18 years..we had together she cheats and im the one holding on for dear life......yes im weak and pathetic...but i love her.....i cried out int he garage the otehr day because of a song that come on that reminded me of her...she caught me crying and said knock it off and walked away.......is that a sign im missing....am i so messed up that my common sense has disappeared and im missing the big picture.....maybe I need to go.....my kids will forgive me one day i pray.....is there an success stories out there.....


Wow, I can't come up with a soft way to say this so I'm going to try a different approach.

Who do you love? Do you love a perception or reality? Look at what your wife is REALLY doing here and more importantly what's in her head to lead her to it. She cheated, then she's not sure if she wants YOU (because you're so PATHETIC and worthless that she can hang you out and bring you in when it's convenient) She can treat you like garbage AFTER tearing your heart out. SHow you utter contempt and lack of respect when you're hurting the most. Yeah sounds like a GREAT wife. If your father died, she'd console you by shooting your dog. 

Dude, let her go. More importantly let your PERCEPTION of her go. That's what is messing with your head. Your kids will survive and just dedicate your energy to YOURSELF first and then your kids. Fix you. Find yourself again. You've become a shriveled up shell.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

shattered man said:


> Ive posted the story before.....so i wont re hash that again.....its been roughly 2 weeks since we had our last all out divorce fight...where she agreed she had to make sure there was no doubt about wanting a divorce so we "she" is working thru her feelings.....we sleep in the same bed...we talk......I say I love you she says I know and thank you.....I miss her .....its like we are 1000000 miles apart from each other when sitting int eh same room.......now ive found that shes changed passwords to both landline and cell phone accounts...when confronted she said those were her last things of privacy that she has and i need to trust her...really......so here i sit ready to go to counciling session #2 and wondering if im spinning my wheels......she seems to care...sometimes.....and other times seems cold and rigid.....her affair partner swears that he is working on his own relationship and has no interests what so ever with my wife.......nothing i can do but try to believe her at this point right? she holds the cards. how long do i wait and see......how long can it take a person to crack the door to their heart and let a person who LOVES them back in.....18 years..we had together she cheats and im the one holding on for dear life......yes im weak and pathetic...but i love her.....i cried out int he garage the otehr day because of a song that come on that reminded me of her...she caught me crying and said knock it off and walked away.......is that a sign im missing....am i so messed up that my common sense has disappeared and im missing the big picture.....maybe I need to go.....my kids will forgive me one day i pray.....is there an success stories out there.....


She has no interest in staying with you at this point. At this point, she is simply tolerating your presence. The only thing she's "working through" is how long she has to keep up this charade of "thinking about things" which is actually nothing more than her getting her affairs in order so she can leave (or keeping you on the backburner while she decides if she really wants the other man) and letting you down as easy as she can.

Why are you sleeping in the same bed with a woman who is spreading for someone else?

Why was she not out on her azz in the cold the second she secured her phone and accounts with a passowrd?

Why are you crying around her? You shouldn't even be near her.

You are displaying yourself as an incredibly weak person that has no sense of self worth to her. She KNOWS what she's doing is very much worth of getting kicked to the curb and divorced. She KNOWS you should be doing that. And you're not. And she detests you for it.

She's supposed to be your woman. To protect from evil and from other men. And you have shown a complete inability and unwillingness to do so. Sorry, brutal time pal, but no wonder she's screwing someone else.

And she is, right now, screwing this other guy. And then coming home to you. She thinks she can lay in the marital bed with another mans semen in her because you allow it. Because she sees you as weak and pathetic.

Until you stop allowing it, it will continue. And you'll get more and more crushed every day.

You have but one chance. One. Kick her out, change the locks, and secure marital assets so she can't get to it and blow it on a good time with her other guy.

Do you really want to be her backup plan? Until you show her you're not anyones backup plan, that's all you'll ever be to her...at best.

You've done a lot of damage by allowing this. You may not be able to recover from it. But if there's a chance you can, you'd better start now.

It should be HER asking these questions about YOU! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You love to much!

Sorry bro your old lady has your number and uses it every chance she can. Until you stop this " I love you" crap and start showing her some confidence in your self with regards to letting her go, she will continue to walk all over you.

Even a complete stranger could walk up to you while you cry and ask you if you are ok......but this women you love wlakes up to you and tells you to stop.........THATS JUST PHUCKED UP IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!!!!!!

"SO NOW WHAT" ok I'll quit shouting if you quit being a door mat for this women. Start by stop telling her you love her, stop begging for her, and stop crying. START to work out, get a hair cut, work on making your self more attractive (chicks dig confident men).

The sooner you feel better about your self and distance your self from this toxic women the better off you will be. Start spending more time with the kids with out there mom and be there for them.

Your kids diserve a strong and stable father cuz there mother sound like a nut. While you work on your self spending time with the kids will also keep you grounded.

Face it there mother is so involved with her new boyfriend...these kids need someone! And that someone is you....if for any thing get your self together for them if no one else.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

shattered man said:


> i cried out int he garage the otehr day because of a song that come on that reminded me of her...*she caught me crying and said knock it off and walked away*.......is that a sign im missing....


That's what she thinks of you. It's not a sign. She's telling you openly she just doesn't give a damm.
You are not more than an abstacle.

The "privacy" is bullsh1t. And the landmine? It not your house too?
The entitlement, the disrespect is unbeliable.

I'm so sorry man. Detach.
Don't tell her you love her anymore.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Pack her things, tell her to get all the privacy of the world in what place she choose. Not your concern anymore.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Pack her things, tell her to get all the privacy of the world in what place she choose. Not your concern anymore.


She can have all the privacy she wants when she moves out I mean come on man stop the self abuse!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

so now what?
read the guildelines, read your first thread.
Make the hard decission even it hurts. Follow the path.

Let her go.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> so now what?
> read the guildelines, read your first thread.
> Make the hard decission even it hurts. Follow the path.
> 
> Let her go.


If you are paying for the phones, change the passwords!


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

I read the responses.......I look into my wifes eyes and cant imagine any other woman in my life.....yes what she did is horrendous but i still love her. We all make mistakes.....at this point Ive decided i will either die in her arms....or die at her feet.....but i have to try to get her back.....call me weak pathetic whatever you choose....last night we had a sort of date night......went to a movie together...came home and made love and caressed each other until we fell asleep....i know shes as confused as i am right now.......but hopefully it was a step in the right direction.....she gave me the passwords freely and said she understood if i needed to check on her.....i havent yet.....so many conflicting messages.....feelings etc.......today so far it feel like our family is "home'...keep praying to god he brings us back together that he brings her back to me.....every night hte same prayer Dear God Please bring her back to me......


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Every post here is correct. Stop being her partner. Pick yourself up off the floor NOW, and start living the life that you deserve. Your life!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

shattered man said:


> .I look into my wifes eyes and cant imagine any other woman in my life.....yes what she did is horrendous but i still love her. .....



Shattered man, I'm going to gently grab you by your lapels pull you toward my face , look into your eyes, and say these words to you. Listen carefully. Very carefully. 

You cannot, I said CANNOT love anyone at the moment. Nobody. Here's why. 

Love, true love, enduring love, is capable of being given ONLY by someone who first loves themselves. Yes themselves. If you don't love yourself, then what you do have toward this woman is not love. Not at all. What you have is a need to be needed. A need to be wanted. A need to be accepted. And when I say 'need' I mean a very deep desire like no other. This is NOT love. 

A person that loves themselves is very capable of bestowing love on another. True love. But a person that loves themselves honors themselves (not in an arrogant way). A person that loves themselves respects themselves and rebukes those that do not respect them. 

Shattered this is not you my brother. But it CAN be you. You should examine your conscience and see if what I'm saying makes sense. If it does work to better yourself. There are countless ways of doing so. If it doesn't then continue on your path. 

Straighten out your lapels and ponder what I've said.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No, you have this wrong. Trust me, I KNOW what you are feeling but you are wrong this time. The woman that you loved has left the building and she is not comming back. Now you can waste alot of energy and money and mental craziness and be like me or, you can take the short cut to a new cool life.I was just like you. In every way shape and form. But here is the deal, she has moved on, she will not remember you next week, she is not worth one tear or one WHY, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? It does not matter, what does matter is YOU. You are recieving a gift, the gift of a REALLY GREAT NEW LIFE. You can change everything about yourself and meet some very interesting people in this new life and do some incredible things that you could not do before....but you have to let you old life go and start a new one.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

God isn't going to do a damn thing for you. If you don't get a grip on yourself, and start acting in your own best interest, your marriage is over. You aren't going to win back your wife by being a doormat, by failing to respect yourself, by allowing her to flagrantly disregard the vows you took together. 

You think your case is special? That somehow you and/or your wife have something that makes your situation unique? No, there is nothing different, you are playing out the same old script as everyone else. You can't nice her into being a better person. She has to become a better person by her choice. No consequences means no respect, means why choose the hard path, you will allow her to abuse your trust and emotions at little to no cost.

Read the stories man, stand up for yourself, no one else can!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Shattered, a few more thoughts in case you insist you love this woman. If you truly love this woman. Then you want her to be happy no? Why don't you test yourself and see if you have real love for her. 

See if you are capable of saying this to her:

*"Wife, my love for you is endless. Because I love you the most important thing for me is to know you are happy. It is painful for me to acknowledge your unhappiness with me. It saddens and hurts me in ways you cannot imagine. But because I love you I'm willing to let you go and find happiness in your own way. So I'll make the painful choice to grant you a divorce. Please respect our time together as we part."*

Can't say this can you. A deep enduring love for this woman would allow you if not compel you to say these words.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Where is Machiavelli with one of his links???

OP, I understand where you are, man... But you gotta get ahold of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

shattered man said:


> 1. how long can it take a person to crack the door to their heart and let a person who LOVES them back in.
> 
> 2. yes im weak and pathetic..
> 
> 3. is there an success stories out there.....




Answers:

1. 351 years, give or take 50 years.

2. That the core of your problem. I said it before, and I'll say it again; women cannot love a weak and pathetic man. The guy she's in love with and/or has affairs with is not weak and pathetic. By your own admission, you are weak and pathetic thus causing her to fall out of love with you. Until you correct this deficiency, you stand no chance with her or any other woman. 

3. There are no real success stories where the husband is weak and pathetic. (and gets his marriage back that is anything other than a living hell). On the contrary, the "success story" are the women who moved on from a weak and pathetic man. 
There may be stories where the woman keeps the husband around to support her,her "habits", and keep her in a life style she's accustom to, but she will eventually she dump him and treat him like garbage as he spirals deeper in torment and self loathing.


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

"Wife, my love for you is endless. Because I love you the most important thing for me is to know you are happy. It is painful for me to acknowledge your unhappiness with me. It saddens and hurts me in ways you cannot imagine. But because I love you I'm willing to let you go and find happiness in your own way. So I'll make the painful choice to grant you a divorce. Please respect our time together as we part."


i said it to her....and she cried.....hasnt asked for anything but time right now....so here i go again


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

What she asks from you is irrelevant. Start the divorce proceedings, have her served and for once stop letting her fvck your mind with passive aggressive sh!t.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude I truly feel bad for you, but you have to stop. Women want a man to be a man, this whinning, crying and pleading couldn't get her away from you faster, if you put her of a bullet train. You will still hurt, but you have to claim your self respect. This is for your own good and pity sex is not good either. They you are right now is not healthy.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

shattered man said:


> I read the responses.......I look into my wifes eyes and cant imagine any other woman in my life.....yes what she did is horrendous but i still love her. We all make mistakes.....at this point Ive decided i will either die in her arms....or die at her feet.....but i have to try to get her back.....call me weak pathetic whatever you choose..........


No ne needs to. You've said it yourself. And I agree with you. Self love and respect is a foundation piece of intimate love. Without it, you do'nt have a loving relationship. You have co-dependence.

Please read the man-up threads and get a hold of yourself. If your goal is to drive her away, keep up this spineless, sniveling persona.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

shattered-

look in the mirror. You have to love yourself before you can love another. You need to seek IC immediately. You have serious co-dependency issues.

Listen closely to what you are about to read....it is the only chance you have to save your marriage. This is wisdom from this site. 

Everything you have done up to now has been wrong. Think about that. You know logically it must be true. What you are doing IS NOT WORKING!!

You must do the exact opposite of what you think is right to save your marriage. It is your only chance.

1. File for Divorce. (she will be shocked and immediately respect you_
2. Do the 180. Do not tell her you love her. How can you love someone who treats you like this. She has no respect for you, nor should she. You act like what she is doing is OK. She knows it's not.
3. Kick her out.

If you do this you actually have a chance. If you do not I GUARANTEE your marriage will end very soon.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

shattered man said:


> "Wife, my love for you is endless. Because I love you the most important thing for me is to know you are happy. It is painful for me to acknowledge your unhappiness with me. It saddens and hurts me in ways you cannot imagine. But because I love you I'm willing to let you go and find happiness in your own way. So I'll make the painful choice to grant you a divorce. Please respect our time together as we part."
> 
> 
> i said it to her....and she cried.....hasnt asked for anything but time right now....so here i go again


I was going to post some big long thing but I won't. I'll just say this.

We talk about "the fog". You're in the BS fog. It's the fog that has you convinced your wife is the woman you perceive her to be. She's not. You need to wake up and realize who you love (the woman in your head) isn't the woman crying.

The woman crying has feelings for you but also loves getting some other guys junk shoved up inside her. Yes I'm being harsh to hopefully wake you up. She loves dropping to her knees and looking up into the lustful eyes of some other guy while she pushes her lips onto his......You get the idea.

WAKE UP!!!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

shattered man said:


> I read the responses.......I look into my wifes eyes and cant imagine any other woman in my life.....yes what she did is horrendous but i still love her. We all make mistakes.....at this point Ive decided i will either die in her arms....or die at her feet.....but i have to try to get her back.....call me weak pathetic whatever you choose....last night we had a sort of date night......went to a movie together...came home and made love and caressed each other until we fell asleep....i know shes as confused as i am right now.......but hopefully it was a step in the right direction.....she gave me the passwords freely and said she understood if i needed to check on her.....i havent yet.....so many conflicting messages.....feelings etc.......today so far it feel like our family is "home'...keep praying to god he brings us back together that he brings her back to me.....every night hte same prayer Dear God Please bring her back to me......


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Dont you have a mirror in your home?


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

so over the last 10 days Ive monitored the computer with a key logger profile....the conversation she has with her girl friend is one of remorse...and confusion....words like how could i have done this to him etc...how do i ever let him love me...how do i love myself after what ive done etc......we are both in single counciling for the moment....working to marriage next month.....I have pulled back from her alot...stopped sitting next to her....stopped telling her i love her....stopped almost all touching....she has to come to me for attention...lately we have talked ALOT about the future plans....house kids vacations etc....we NEVER did this prior to everything.....we were stuck in our "life" rut......she is always asking me where im going if i leave the room.....always scoots way over to touch me on bed even if its a butt bump or whatever.....she still comes to me.......she changed passwords to ones we both know and so far no texts or emails from him......she swears again and again no further contact......she doesnt guarentee she knows what she wants at the moment....but it seems like she has come to a quiet decision to work on US as much as possible.......she tells me time and patience....yes i will wait.....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

shattered man said:


> "Wife, my love for you is endless. Because I love you the most important thing for me is to know you are happy. It is painful for me to acknowledge your unhappiness with me. It saddens and hurts me in ways you cannot imagine. But because I love you I'm willing to let you go and find happiness in your own way. So I'll make the painful choice to grant you a divorce. Please respect our time together as we part."


 The scary thing is that you think that she saw your speech as a great loving moment that will help bring her back to you, when in fact it just reinforced that you are too weak a man to be worthy of her respect. The truth is she cannot love someone that she does not respect, and you are doing nothing to earn her respect, and are actually doing the exact opposite of what you need to do by saying this and other such things to her. You keep thinking that you can nice yourself back into her heart when in fact that has not worked for you with her. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

For her to respect you you need to respect yourself. It should never be all about her, you need to matter too. You need to be worthy of her respect. The odds are not in your favor, but the best odds of winning her back is to let her go and focus on yourself. File for divorce and mean it. Tell her that you still love her but that you need to do what is best for yourself. Do not even consider taking her back unless she begs you to and tells you that she loves you with all of her heart. Even then do not be to quick to give her another chance, remember "easy come, easy go" applies here. 

Also, forget this she needs privacy bull. As a proven cheater she has no right to ask you to trust her. She needs to promise you full transparency and give you all passwords. How does a cheater say that they are want to cheat again? They say "trust me".


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

well heres an update....last 2 weeks have been ''ok'' she seems to be opening up abit......me however Im beginning to see things more clearly....dr prescribed prozak for last 4 weeks has enabled me to process things better..and i have a great deal of resentment coming to the top....HOW in the HELL could she have done this....no matter whatever flaws i have/had grant me the divorce before you go sleeping around.....so with that said.....ive packed up some personal items right in front of her...shes asked why...I said to make more room down the road....i have done a couple small remodel projects in the house...i figure if i go at least the kids will enjoy it....weve been intimate twice.....both times ive said i love her and both times she has NOT replied....yesterday we shared a long tight hug where i kissed her head and said i love you and again nothing in reply..i am beginning to see the light here.....apparently im not good enough to love but just good enough to keep around and help with bills kids etc....i have another counciling session on tuesday where i might introduce the thought of me outright leaving....im getting the tools to stand on my own 2 feet i think....ive stopped following her around the house....stopped all the cuddling etc she comes to me now....i have been checking phones etc and no contact with the other......looked at houses to rent/buy and even pursued other jobs....so.....maybe i can regrow some peaches and actually follow thru ......I still love not the idea of her but HER....there is no excuse for what shes done....


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Good for you, I am glad that you are getting stronger. Life will get better when you understand that she is your enemy now and that you are the hero in your own life.


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

anybody have any tips or secrets to sleeping? I fall asleep and wake to a mental movie of all the lies i caught them in all the texts etc its like a bad movie that wakes me up every night.....has been like this the last week or so......i get up and go to the couch and she follows me all concerned.....how do i read that? shes all cuddly and loving how do i read that......


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Exercise. Do one or two hours of brisk walking after supper. Take your ipod or phone and listen to music or podcasts of favorite but boring subjects. Business news, NPR, movie reviews etc. Take a warm shower when you get home.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Benadryl. Two or three before bed. It helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh and she needs to leave. Not you. She's the cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

shattered man said:


> anybody have any tips or secrets to sleeping? I fall asleep and wake to a mental movie of all the lies i caught them in all the texts etc its like a bad movie that wakes me up every night.


Know the feeling well. Not sure if you're a coffee drinker, but try to cut out caffeine after 2 or 3 PM. That allows it to get out of your system. It's made a big difference for me. Also the exercise idea is good - but I think it's better to do the hard workouts in the morning. If you do them too late (after dinner) - you may actually be too hyped to get to sleep. Last resort - get your doctor to prescribe something. When I first learned that my wife's EA was actually a PA, I could not get more than an hour's sleep at a time before waking up (we were already separated - so it was even worse - waking up to an empty bed). Doctor prescribed Zoplicone. Non-addictive and you can take anything from a 1/2 to up to 2 or three. That got me sleeping. Now, cutting out the caffeine has allowed me to cut out the sleeping pills too. 

Funny observation - at the height of our breakup (after 25 years of marriage) with my wife lying constantly and hiding a PA, she was always able to sleep soundly. It used to piss me off! I guess that is one of the benefits of having no conscience.


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

same observation from me.....she could sleep at the drop of a hat while i lay there in hell thinking of reasons to stay to go to forgive to hate etc......ill try the caffein thing im a pop drinker.....doc did prescribe adavan? sp? scared to take it with my history of vicodin abuse .....may have to try it soon....


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

spent all thanksgiving together......seemed like a family.....she has begun talking of OUR future again...plans for our house..plans for our vacations etc.....still cant say the Love word to me she says because she has hurt me so deeply shes scared to say it to me....still praying everynight that we get thru this together.....counciling has become alittle tiresome....might need to look elsewhere.....mine seems to pay little attention to the big picture and is more concentrated on my feelings.....maybe this is right i dont know.....still have trust issues with her...still not sleeping.....talked to my pastor about this type of thing and his experience is that marriages that survive are stronger than ever before....praying....and more praying.....


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