# Staying Out All Night



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Honest thoughts on this: You and your partner go to a friend's house for a poker game. You leave early cause you have work early in the morning. She stays behind and ends up not coming home. A cab ride to your place is short and relatively cheap. Also note that you suspect that one of the people that lives at this house has a crush on your partner. Is this unacceptable? I understand wanting to stay longer but to not come home?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Is it acceptable to you?

If not, it doesn't matter one iota what anyone else thinks. 

Never let anyone convince you that your deal breakers should not be deal breakers. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What Far said.

But if I was literally in your shoes, no that wouldn’t be acceptable. When I was married, neither of us ever just “accidentally didn’t come home”.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When she did not come home, the divorce clock started ticking, the alarm was short-sheeted, with her toes caught in a bunch, as it quickly sounded off. No, sounded on.

What is your plan going forward, Warden Waxman?

Put on your detective hat, remain quiet as you dig....



LMc-


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Was drinking involved?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> Was drinking involved?


Yes, this was my first thought?

If she was drinking, this puts a huge onus on you, OP.

You let your SO stay, while she was under the influence.

If, she was not drinking, oh my, this is worse.

She stayed on.....while clear headed sober.

Just Sayin'



LMc-


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

wxman3441 said:


> Honest thoughts on this: You and your partner go to a friend's house for a poker game. You leave early cause you have work early in the morning. She stays behind and ends up not coming home. A cab ride to your place is short and relatively cheap. Also note that you suspect that one of the people that lives at this house has a crush on your partner. Is this unacceptable? I understand wanting to stay longer but to not come home?


Our dynamic is different. It would help to know yours.

Mrs. Conan's integrity is without question. My friends are all trusted with my life and we all easily trust our wives and children with each other.

If there was a scoundrel in the mix, Mrs. C would have nothing to do with him and my friends would keep him in his place.

I'm also scary and predators generally want to live through their hunt.

I would be concerned if my wife wasn't in bed with me in the morning and we would have a talk about communication and safety. She would get chewed out and maybe a spankin but I know she wouldn't betray me with another.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old is she? Do you live together? How long have you been together?

This is behavior I'd expect from a woman in her very very early twenties, who isn't really ready to settle down yet into an adult partnership.

If my partner (I notice you didn't say you are married to her) did this, I'd question the relationship. I'm not interested in dealing with this kind of behavior, personally. It wouldn't work for me! Now, if it was NOT a coed situation, and for example my male partner stayed behind, and it was ONLY DUDES left at the house, and he had had way too much to drink, and fell asleep there... different story.

Was this a woman's house she stayed at, with only "the girls" left hanging out together?


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

wxman3441 said:


> Honest thoughts on this: You and your partner go to a friend's house for a poker game. You leave early cause you have work early in the morning. She stays behind and ends up not coming home. A cab ride to your place is short and relatively cheap. Also note that you suspect that one of the people that lives at this house has a crush on your partner. Is this unacceptable? I understand wanting to stay longer but to not come home?


No. This is Maury Show stuff. Your partner should at least call you, say “I’m drunk so I’m crashing here, don’t want to barf in a cab.” But just staying the night elsewhere without notice is not cool. She’d better have a good explanation and it’d better not happen again.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You need to have a chat with her and ask her what happened. Do all the listening even when she pauses let the silence become uncomfortable. Don't offer any excuses for her or suggest anything until she is completely done. If what she tells you doesn't make sense it's not true. Trust your gut. Odds are way good something less than honorable occurred, how much "something" is the question. You can also bet your life she will minimize whatever occurred.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.


So if the discrete hand on her back was noticed by you then, why did you think it OK that she stayed? I'd normally ask what the level of commitment in your relationship is, but you bought a house together...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.


She strolls in at 11 and you haven't talked about it? Her being drunk and staying overnight at a house with 2 men?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.



Honestly, after what I’ve been through, if we weren’t married, I’d be out. 

It sounds unacceptable to you but very acceptable to her. So you have incompatibilities with boundaries. 

It doesn’t mean she did anything wrong, but it would mean that she blew it with me, and I’d just walk away. 

I know that’s hard to do when you’re really into someone, but I’m very glad I walked away from this kind of thing when dating or in LTRs. It avoided all kinds of problems. Or at least problems with those particular women.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

She had sex with one or maybe both of them . I would tell her to pack her bags or pack them for her .


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I read some of your other post about money problems with this same woman and now she stays out all night at a friends house where there was to guys living there and you let her stay there . It looks like you knew something would happen and chose to let her stay . You are just money to her and that is it . She doesn't love you or she would not have stayed . You are someone that is a atm to her and someone that will take care of her so yes she had sex with one or both and maybe more if they called there friends to come over and had a go at her to . 

So you are either a doormate or you are a man you pick . A man would put her out asap .


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Looks like you left the door to your hen house wide open last night with hunters on the loose. And you knew it. You were literally watching it unfold. 
At this point it may be too late, but look for physical evidence. Did she do something with her underwear from yesterday? Can you check it for stains? Is she using menstrual items while not on her period? (to catch what may leak out) Did she go straight into the shower when she got home? Try to get proof before you confront. 
Even without proof though I am sorry to say this has all the earmarks of becoming a traumatic life event for you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

All I can say is that if this were me and my wife, I would never have permitted this to happen in the first place. I would have insisted she come home with me. This is not acceptable to me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What's acceptable to one couple isn't to another. What is acceptable to you?

Were I in your shoes, no, this would not be acceptable to me, or my husband.

It doesn't necessarily mean she did anything untoward, but it does mean you two need to sit down and discuss what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship. If this is a clear boundary for you - and there is nothing wrong with that, it would be for me too - you need to make it clear to her that this is your boundary and you won't tolerate it a second time.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

It sounds like she didn't care if it was acceptable to you or not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> What's acceptable to one couple isn't to another. What is acceptable to you?
> 
> Were I in your shoes, no, this would not be acceptable to me, or my husband.
> 
> It doesn't necessarily mean she did anything untoward, but it does mean you two need to sit down and discuss what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship. If this is a clear boundary for you - and there is nothing wrong with that, it would be for me too - you need to make it clear to her that this is your boundary and you won't tolerate it a second time.


Oh my. :|

Can there be, should there be a second time, it then being made available?

As others have said, I too blame wxman for not taking her home.

A loving person protects their own, against the other's wishes, if so necessary.

Strong shoulders were created to carry the foolish out of harm's way.


KB-


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Oh my. :|
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Totally disagree. She’s an adult, not a child. And you’re not her parent. 

You have no right to force someone, including a wife or girlfriend, to do something they don’t want to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marduk said:


> Totally disagree. She’s an adult, not a child. And you’re not her parent.
> 
> You have no right to force someone, including a wife or girlfriend, to do something they don’t want to do.


Some people never grow up.

I haven't. :surprise:

Strong minded and loving compassion can overcome someone else's bad judgement.

But, in this, I agree....

Not forever.

There is a limit on doing what's right.

'Right' is that ever moving target, it grows and shrinks as present failing, flailing human circumstance doth flutter.



KB-


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> Some people never grow up.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think it’s fair to force a choice. A or B. Without getting to invent a C that means your choice has no consequence. 

But I also expect adults to be adults. I would react very poorly if my wife were to throw me over her shoulder and walk me out of a situation she disagreed with me being in. 

Even metaphorically. Treat adults like children and they rebel. If they rebel when you treat them like adults, it means they are not an adult and likely shouldn’t be married to begin with.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No this isn't acceptable behavior but since you are asking a question about the obvious I suspect youre the type who will be some paralyzed with the analysis and you'll string yourself along in this needlessly.

You are a grown man and should know enough to make this decision very quickly.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Totally disagree. She’s an adult, not a child. And you’re not her parent.
> 
> You have no right to force someone, including a wife or girlfriend, to do something they don’t want to do.


In this situation you tell her you are coming home now or do not bother to come home tomorrow.
Your stuff will be packed and outside the door.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> Honest thoughts on this: You and your partner go to a friend's house for a poker game. You leave early cause you have work early in the morning. She stays behind and ends up not coming home. A cab ride to your place is short and relatively cheap. Also note that you suspect that one of the people that lives at this house has a crush on your partner. Is this unacceptable? I understand wanting to stay longer but to not come home?


Very unacceptable.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Edited cause I missed the OPs second post, and it doesn't matter anyway until he has a conversation with her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Time to sell the house and get away from this woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. *For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds.* Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.


Red flag for sure. At 35 she's either a stable partner that should know the score. You can trust or you can't. She most likely read the signs unless she's stupid. Then stays the night anyway?

Is it worth your time life becoming a policeman for her? That's a fools errand in my book. If it were me I'd have said "time to go" but if you can't trust her then it really doesn't matter much.

You aren't married so this was a tryout. Bud, she's failed. She's not a teenager that had a brain fart. She's a grown woman that knows better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Marduk said:


> Totally disagree. She’s an adult, not a child. And you’re not her parent.
> 
> You have no right to force someone, including a wife or girlfriend, to do something they don’t want to do.


Agreed, but he DOES have 100% rights to enforce consequences of her actions. AND he should.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> Agreed, but he DOES have 100% rights to enforce consequences of her actions. AND he should.



Consequences such as him continuing the relationship or not, or under changed conditions, sure. 

But I would highly recommend not trying to police her.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@wxman3441

Did you ever have that talk with her?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

There's never been a time either of us didn't come home unless out of town obviously. Ive blacked out drunk before and woke up in my bed. Dont worry, I didn't drive. Friends drove me and my car home. That's happened twice. Note to self, eat something before you go out drinking with friends. And say no to shots 3,4,5,6,&7. 

It helps that I'm ugly too, so no chance of any shenanigans


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> And say no to shots 3,4,5,6,&7.
> 
> 
> > This is wise!:smile2:
> ...


This is nonsense! If we were both single....:wink2:>


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wxman3441 said:


> Honest thoughts on this: You and your partner go to a friend's house for a poker game. You leave early cause you have work early in the morning. She stays behind and ends up not coming home. A cab ride to your place is short and relatively cheap. Also note that you suspect that one of the people that lives at this house has a crush on your partner. Is this unacceptable? I understand wanting to stay longer but to not come home?


I do not understand one staying behind. Your partner should have come home with you. Further your partner should have let you know they were not coming home and for what reason. You got none of it. Disrespectful.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. *She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.*


I think her staying is wrong, but you knew all this and left her there anyway?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> We bought a house together last year. Not married. She is 35 and I am 42. She has never given me reason not to trust her but I think this is the first time she never came home and I was under the expectation that she would. She strolled in at 11 am this morning. We haven't talked about it yet. She drank quite a bit last night and stayed in a house with her best friend's bf who has a history of abuse and weird sexual fantasies. His brother is the one who may have a crush on my partner and he lives there too. I may be wrong about this but I read people well. For instance they were both looking at an ipad last night, choosing music to play and he discretely put his hand on her back for a few seconds. Trust me, when I am single, these are the things I do to let someone know I am interested.


You watched all this .... and you let it happen? 
And you even have the nerves to describe this? 
And you even let her come home at 11 am the next day?
And you even leave without making her come home with you?
And you even let her go to the BBQ party without you (your other thread), knowing these details so far?

If I were you, I wouldn't have had time to post threads. Seriously. You are being taken for a doormat. You are letting it happen more than once.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@waxman3431, what do YOU want to happen?

She doesn't seem to have grown up, really.

35 going on 15, by the sound of it.

If she wants to be in an adult, age appropriate relationship, she needs to stop acting like the prom teen and like a woman in her 30s.


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