# Could it have been me?



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I wanted to make a new thread for this and keep the other stuff in my other thread. I am just curious of your thoughts and opinions. 

On my bus ride in to work today something occurred to me. I have read _Surviving an Affair_ and this is where my "revelation" came from.

Things in my marriage were not great (ok they still are not, but that is the other thread). I was not meeting my wife's needs. She had an affair with a friend from college. 

After becoming more educated, and looking back over the last few years I see my needs were not being met either. One difference is I didn't have an affair. I don't really have any female friends. If I did or found one, could I have had an affair? I would like to say no, but if things had gotten as bad for me as my wife feels they were for her, I can't say with 100% certainty that I would not have had at least an emotional affair.

One thing I got from reading the book is given the right circumstances, it could happen to anyone.

Do you think you would have cheated if the conditions were right?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

nope, cheating is for weaklings. i would have tried to address the issues and if she didnt join the effort i would divorce her.

actually, i would divorce my wife if she cheated anyway, no doubt.


----------



## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

losinglove said:


> I wanted to make a new thread for this and keep the other stuff in my other thread. I am just curious of your thoughts and opinions.
> 
> On my bus ride in to work today something occurred to me. I have read _Surviving an Affair_ and this is where my "revelation" came from.
> 
> ...


I think it is entirely possible for someone to be hurting to the extent that, given certain conditions, rational thinking can go right out the window and they could very easily cross over that line even if that was not their intention. Not that I am condoning cheating in any way. But I do understand that being in pain, it is difficult to not be weak, and it does take strength to be able to resist the temptation.


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I'm not condoning cheating either. 

The global "we" on here talk about remembering the commitment we made with our vows and how the cheater is not honoring them and is weak and falls to the temptation. I argue that if needs are not being met, the betrayed is not honoring their vows either. Are they weak? 

It's easy to say you would not do something if you have not been in the situation.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

For me the answer is an emphatic no. I saw what having a cheating spouse did to my Mom. My Fathers actions defined my early childhood and those feelings never left me. I would divorce first if I felt my relationship was that bad.

That being said, since I DO have such strong feelings on the matter, I'm probably not the best barometer on this issue.


----------



## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

losinglove said:


> I'm not condoning cheating either.
> 
> The global "we" on here talk about remembering the commitment we made with our vows and how the cheater is not honoring them and is weak and falls to the temptation. I argue that if needs are not being met, the betrayed is not honoring their vows either. Are they weak?
> 
> It's easy to say you would not do something if you have not been in the situation.


I don't feel that someone is weak because they have started slacking in fulfilling the needs of their spouse. There could be several reasons why it got to this point.


----------



## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I think it's possible for anyone to cheat given the right circumstances. Certainly I think that there are some folks who do it just for the thrill - but I would agree, losinglove, that in most instances both parties have to share the blame. The betrayer for not upholding his/her vows and the betrayed for failing to meet the needs of their spouse. 

We are all weak in one way or another. The expression of that weakness can be anything - money, alcohol, infidelity, work, gambling, food, religion, etc. One could argue along the lines that once any of those things interfere with a relationship, that is cheating too - cheating your SO of time, support, sex, financial stability, etc.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> I would divorce first if I felt my relationship was that bad.


:iagree:

No one can truly say for sure, but I'd like to think I would focus on improving my marriage.

If some incredibly convenient opportunity came up with someone I was incredibly attracted to it would be difficult. If Pamela Anderson or Christie Brinkley came to work at my place of employment and we were locked in a conference room for DAYS working on an urgent project...well, that's not going to happen...

...but I'd like to think I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my family even if the opportunity came up.


----------

