# When is the guilt gone?



## butterfly99 (Aug 11, 2010)

Hi all. New to the forum. I've been very happily married to my high school sweetheart for 11 years now. We dated for 4. A year and a half ago, I made an unforeseeable, unfathomable egregious mistake. A girlfriend and I were playing pool and getting quite drunk at a bar and two guys picked us up. Yep, you can predict what happened that night. I coin myself with the temporary name, "Selfish *****" that night as i was thinking of NO ONE but me, so I was very worthy of the name I gave myself. Hubby found out my sickening secret a couple of days after it happened. After much heartache, crying ourselves sick, relearning each others' needs and desires, and finding a couple of common hobbies we discovered we were lacking, we are happily making it through...together. The sex DEFINITELY improved for both of us after the event. Prior to that hellish night, I considered myself EXTREMELY loyal, trustworthy, and a good, moral person. However, that night, when I did something I never thought the person I knew as myself was capable of, I lost the knowledge of who I really am. Though hubby and I are doing very well, I still suffer daily from my mistake. Good, right? I know I deserve it, and if I didn't suffer so, I'd have worried that the mistake didn't hit home as it should. However, I question every belief, thought, and word I have. I ask myself often, "Who am I?" Sometimes I've even felt I was going crazy, getting clinically depressed, etc. 
Before I turn a forum post into a novel, I'll get to the question at hand. When is the guilt gone? When do you (the cheater) stop thinking about it and hating yourself daily? I wonder how often my DH thinks about it...certainly not as much as I do, it seems. He's stated it's behind us and things are better than they've ever been in our marriage, and I agree! So what's the problem? Why do I still feel such an identity crisis? 
Thanks for reading my novel. I'd love to read others' experiences as the cheater (or even as the one who was cheated on). Humbly, I thank you all in advance. 
Butterfly99


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You should count yourself lucky for feeling guilty. Some of us have spouses who never, ever express any guilt whatsoever. at best, we get the "I'm sorry you are feeling pain" type of expressions, never is it about how awful they feel about having done it--to themselves.

So, how long will this guilt last?

I think it will drop down a notch when you trust yourself to never repeat it and you and your husband reach a level of trust that was breached.

Even then? You will have a residual level of regret.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

He thinks of it everyday (suffers) even if doesn't mention it. Just like you do. The more you love each other the greater the pain/guilt will be.How long will the guilt be there? Each person is different. I believe the pain will go away. But it will be thought of constantly. Picture it as a large rock sitting between the two of you in any room your in. It is something that will always have to be walked around for you to be together. But it can be done.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It never goes away. You'll just have to bear and carry it with you till the day you die. If it ever does go away, the propensity to cheat will always come back. That guilt is there to keep you in check and make you realize what you have is greater than 1 night of pleasure.

I carry my burden with me everyday, it doesn't show up all the time but when I'm admiring a very, very beautiful young lady it comes up and tells me, you can look, admire and drool but hands off.

Eventually you won't feel that guilt all the time but it'll always be in the back of your head just waiting for that instant to slap you upside the head and clear your head from those raging hormones.

Live with it and make it a part of you, don't let it destroy you but make you a stronger person.

BTW stop drinking if your husband is not around. Know your limits or don't drink at all.

Also your husband says he forgives you, they never fully forgive you. There is always a little piece of anger they'll always hold on to forever, no matter what anyone else says. It's all BS, everyone who has been cheated on will always carry a little piece of that hurt, anger and pain with them, they'll just push it back, lock it up and bury it very deep.

Always be ready for arguments where they'll throw it in your face, at that point don't get mad, calm down and just say "Yes I screwed up, I already said I'm sorry, what else can I do to prove that it has never and will never happen again?"

Never ever answer, "That's in the past, why are you bringing it up again, you said we would never talk about it ever again!" Or something to that effect.


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

You are very brave to have to admit that you had done something wrong to somebody that you obviously care about. 
I have never been in your position but i guess you might still be feeling guilty because the one you cheated on is trying to forgive. 
I am trying to deal with having to overcome my spouse cheating on me i am trying my best to forgive him but until then he is still feeling very guilty.

I wish you good support in what you are dealing with, not many people can admit the wrong that they do and do something about it.


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## butterfly99 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thank you all. I agree with all the points mentioned and took them all to heart. I appreciate your time in responding. I hate myself, and often times I feel very depressed and resentful of myself, but no one would ever notice. I make sure of that. 
I hope one day I can feel like I know who the heck I am any more. I sometimes wonder if after that, I became who my hubby wanted me to be rather than who I am?!? But I LIKE who I am (currently), so does that make it me, even though it's much different than who I used to be? Boy, that one night screwed my self-concept up so much, but I know I did it to myself, so I'm not complaining, just stating. Thanks again for your gentle words of encouragement and advice. I appreciate them all.


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