# Pain



## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

My husband left me while I was sick and pregnant. The woman he is marrying is the woman he left me for. My question is why I can not get over him. I must be a bad person. What can I do?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Try to keep your posts together under one thread, it is hard to get your story.

I read your posts. You are not a bad person, just married one who stuck it to you in so many ways.

Can you get over the fact that you are no longer in the Navy?

Readjusting is difficult for some and I am sure you had some good times with you ex. It is over and now is the time to really move on.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Try to keep your posts together under one thread, it is hard to get your story.
> 
> I read your posts. You are not a bad person, just married one who stuck it to you in so many ways.
> 
> ...


OKAY I WILL KEEP MY POSTS TOGETHER. If I could move on... My ex girlfriend got me arrested for some bull and I am in court now trying to get things expunged. The judge dismissed it but how can you start over move on when you have NO mean to take care of you self because of this mess. I thought that this is the place to talk to you. He can move on he is medically retired, with checks coming in but me I am praying to find a job who will over look my bad credit, and bogus arrest to take a chance to give me work. Thanks for the support. I guess silence is best. But to answer your question... I can get over it if you were able to get a job. But he took that and my ability to work. I have no means to take care of myself and I am scared and afraid. But I understand what you say.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*It is hard to get over somone who victimizes you. In our divorce decree he was suppose to split the stock proceeds and pay the capital gains. Never did that one. So guess what he closed the account and kept the money and then I get a 1099 from the brokerage company stating the stock income we are to report. He never told me or sent anything to me. WTF. Then last tax season he claimed me as a dependent and it took 8 months to get a return and even then I could not file single because he filed married filing seperately which did not allow me to take all the deductions I was entitled to. He was suppose to cover all the medical bills because they should have been covered under his insurance. Guess what I am getting bills sent to collections because he never paid them and that too was apart of our decree. Two months later TRICARE calls me with my ex in their office lieing to them about covering the bills. In the decree he was to give me cash to pay them off but he did what he wanted to do.*

Take him to court and get your money owed you. Don't take this sitting down.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Yes, it has. But he still taunts me. Meaning I moved out of our apartment finally and low and behold he shows up to look to see if there was anything there. He brought trash bags and everything. He spoke to my mother and she left. He even rubbed the dog and did not even acknowledge me. Then I find out from an email from Vonage that someone tried to get into my account so it was locked out. Then I get a message from LinkedIn saying he looked me up several times. I do not understand if you are with her then why bother with me. He left almost two years ago so now you come to the apartment with a couple of trash bags looking for what? *

You wrote this in July 2013.

Elegirl responded to your previous post:

*How long has it been since he moved out? I'm confused? Has it been 2 years?

You sounds seriously depressed. I think you need to see a doc and get some meds. They will not dope you up. What they do is to take the edge off so you can deal with life.

If it's been 2 years, it's time to start building your new life.*



FOH - you are very very stuck. Your behvavior at this point is not normal. It is now over 2 years and 8 months and you are basically saying the same things.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sorry to be writing in red, but your timeline does not add up. You talk in July 2013 of finding out about his affair in March, 2013, and that in June 2013 you were still living together. In your other posts you said he moved out two years ago (you wrote this in July 2013), so that would put it that he moved out around July 2011. 

You wrote this July 4th 2013: 

*Let me start from the beginning. I found out my husband was cheating in March of this year. At the time, I had just given up my Naval Career of 11 years (VERY GOOD ONE) for my husband. He wanted me to be a wife at home and to be honest I wanted it too. I wanted to run my business fully and have a family. And I did not like how the Navy made me feel anymore. But the main reason was for my Husband who I loved and still love very much but he put it to me straight that if I did not get out that we would divorce. Well in October of last year I decided it was him and my family I wanted so all my energies was to that. He was surprised at how attentive I was ie (calling him to run his bath water and asking him what he needed when he got home) but I thought this would be pleasing to him. Well more and more he seemed distant and argumentive and I asked him what was wrong he would never say just snapped. Even at christmas I had a idea to do the 12 days of christmas and gave him a card and gift every day to be his maid to let him know I was here for him in every way. That also did not work out well. So in March I found out that not only was he (also in the Navy) was cheating but it was in his direct chain. She was an E5 and he is an E6 (we sign pg13 to not do this) but they did it. When I found out, he told me he wanted to move out then. I said NO. To give us time to see so he decided he would do that but this chick kept calling him everyday. I asked him to stop but it was mute. Then one day we were to talk and I made dinner waited for him and it was getting late and I was worried something was wrong when I said I wonder if he is with her so I looked at our phone bills and got her number and reverse looked up her address. And sure enough he was over at her house. I told both of them that we are all active duty and do you know they could get in trouble but she says "i dont care" Two weeks later he moved out. This was in June. Since that time he kept telling me he was working things out but he was still seeing her.*


You wrote this on July 24 2013 in response to Elegirl writing this:

*How long has it been since he moved out? I'm confused? Has it been 2 years?

You sounds seriously depressed. I think you need to see a doc and get some meds. They will not dope you up. What they do is to take the edge off so you can deal with life.

If it's been 2 years, it's time to start building your new life. *



Your response to Elegirl:

*Yes, it has. But he still taunts me. Meaning I moved out of our apartment finally and low and behold he shows up to look to see if there was anything there. He brought trash bags and everything. He spoke to my mother and she left. He even rubbed the dog and did not even acknowledge me. Then I find out from an email from Vonage that someone tried to get into my account so it was locked out. Then I get a message from LinkedIn saying he looked me up several times. I do not understand if you are with her then why bother with me. He left almost two years ago so now you come to the apartment with a couple of trash bags looking for what? *



I don't think I am the only one confused. Your story is making less and less sense the more you write. If he moved out why would he come over to the apartment to get his stuff? Who told him?:scratchhead:

According to your timeline, he moved out 2 years and 8 months ago. Yet you found out about the affair in March 2013 and you were still living together in June 2013. :scratchhead:


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

FOH,

Reach deep and find your self-respect as a person Girl!

Your WH is a complete and utter POS.

You have to believe your deserve so much better than this.

F him...he is a worthless and despicable excuse for a human being. 

Such people are best scraped off the bottom of your shoe as you move on in life. A crude analogy, but they are best thought of as the canine excrement we all accidentally walk through from time to time.

File for D and never look back.

He is not worth a single moment more of the time you have in this life.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Sorry to be writing in red, but your timeline does not add up. You talk in July 2013 of finding out about his affair in March, 2013, and that in June 2013 you were still living together. In your other posts you said he moved out two years ago (you wrote this in July 2013), so that would put it that he moved out around July 2011.
> 
> You wrote this July 4th 2013:
> 
> ...



OKAY, Yes he left in June 2011. NO we were not living together and it has been two years. Our divorce was not finalized until July of 2013. It took forever. I do not mean to not make sense. I understand if you feel it does not but believe me I definately went through all of this. if you are saying dont comment then I wont.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Sorry for bothering. I will not comment about my feelings. Thanks.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Being cheated on and abandoned then divorced is a traumatic experience and you didn't deserve that. It's normal to still feel some hurt two years out. What's unusual though is still feeling so raw as if it just happened yesterday. 

I don't think you should feel like a bad person or any shame in how you've coped with that bad experience. Some people are more resilient and others need a little more help and support and that's okay. That's a big reason why two siblings can grow up in an abusive home and one may turn to drugs and crime while the other goes to college and starts a family. 

Nonetheless, what have you done in your life to move forward and promote healing for yourself? I agree with others that you are stuck. But now has never been a better time to begin unsticking yourself.

I would suggest counseling and talking to your doctor about anti-depressants. If money is an issue, see if social services in your area can help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help whenever possible. If an agency can't help you specifically, they may be able to lead you to resources and organizations that can and will.

Please don't let him have such power over you that you let him consume the rest of your life. It's long over due to begin moving on. 

I was 8 months pregnant with our second child on my D-Day and a SAHM with limited resources when I had WS leave the house. One of the things that inspired me was a quote by Theodore Roosevelt that said, "Do what you can with what you have, where you are."

It may take some creativity but you have the power right now to start doing what you can - no matter how small or trivial it seems to begin improving your life and your state of mind. Whether it's something as small as cleaning your home and taking more pride in it - so that it feels like a positive place to be; borrowing inspirational books or divorce recovery books from the library, taking a half-hour walk to relax and get exercise etc. (whatever - just do something small that you can achieve) you can do it. You can't eat an elephant at once but you can eat it one bite at a time.

As for counseling, Google all of the resources in your area that may be able to help. Compile a list and commit yourself to making just one phone call each day to seek help. If one is easy enough, see if you can make two and so on but set the goal low and see if you surprise yourself until you get the resources you need.

I also agree with Thorburn - you need to go after those costs. You are entitled to them but there may be a statute of limitations? So you can't sit on it. Just like with the counseling, commit yourself to calling one lawyer a day until you find out what your recourse is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FOH said:


> OKAY I WILL KEEP MY POSTS TOGETHER. If I could move on... My ex girlfriend got me arrested for some bull and I am in court now trying to get things expunged. The judge dismissed it but how can you start over move on when you have NO mean to take care of you self because of this mess. I thought that this is the place to talk to you. He can move on he is medically retired, with checks coming in but me I am praying to find a job who will over look my bad credit, and bogus arrest to take a chance to give me work. Thanks for the support. I guess silence is best. But to answer your question... I can get over it if you were able to get a job. But he took that and my ability to work. I have no means to take care of myself and I am scared and afraid. But I understand what you say.


Isn't your lawyer helping you force him to support you until you're divorced?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FOH said:


> Sorry for bothering. I will not comment about my feelings. Thanks.


FOH, I know you're hurting - and obviously severely depressed - but your reply here is passive aggressive, begging for someone to say oh we didn't mean it here we are, we'll soothe you.

That won't help you, FOH. YOU have to soothe YOURSELF. We can't do it for you. That takes work on your part, a LOT of therapy, and determination to change things.

If he left you unable to earn a living (well, him and this 'friend' who turned you in for something), how have you been paying for the apartment for 2 years?


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