# Advice on the heat-cool theory please....



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Under this theory I have been adding too much heat and it makes my husband cool off. Last night I decided I looked like a fool trying to request we go to counseling and him saying he will go only if we dont talk about sex the whole time (even if the therapist determines that, he said he will walk out). I didnt lose my cool, I just simply said Im done trying to get you to join me in the marriage, its your turn. 

The sex strike didnt work, so Im doing this. Actually Im doing this not as a test, its because I have had enough of begging for him to love me.... My self esteem has gone down so much because of all the no's and him putting up walls and distance between us, made me try even harder...

How long do I have to wait for him to warm up?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi toolate ~

Any reason why you can't go to individual counseling for yourself even if he refuses to go to marriage counseling with you?

It could help you gain the strength and insight necessary to be able to make a decision as to whether to stay in the situation you are in or not.

Best wishes.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I have to stay in the marriage, period. I was in counseling to learn how to cope with his unpredictable ups and downs... flat mood and rages. Helped tremendously, but it hasnt solved the sex affection problem. I may go back if someone pays for it... i cant have a job bc of my kids and their commute (Im on the road for 2-7 hours a day... out of the house or on the road busy with them). I have no income, just what I get to pay for their things and needs, husband wont combine finances, even though I put all my 6 figures into our home... 

guess what, the thermostat thing may be working for HIM... I resisted saying goodbye to him when he left the house this morning without having said one word to me and he just sent me 2 somewhat loving/nice txts??? All it does is make me ask WTF? I tell him Im done asking him to join me in the marriage and dont say another word to him since last night and now he sends me this?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

toolate said:


> I may go back if someone pays for it...
> 
> i cant have a job bc of my kids and their commute
> 
> ...


You don't have a job, yet you're getting "6 figures"? Something is not adding up.... :scratchhead:


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

southern wife said:


> You don't have a job, yet you're getting "6 figures"? Something is not adding up.... :scratchhead:


I had alot of money in savings/money accounts prior to our marriage and put it into the purchase and renovation of our home. I hope that clears it up!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

toolate said:


> guess what, the thermostat thing may be working for HIM... I resisted saying goodbye to him when he left the house this morning without having said one word to me and he just sent me 2 somewhat loving/nice txts??? All it does is make me ask WTF? I tell him Im done asking him to join me in the marriage and dont say another word to him since last night and now he sends me this?


That's how the thermostat works. When you pull back, he comes in a bit to fill the vacuum. Just stay constant in your interactions with him. And don't seem angry. Be polite, but cool. If he asks you what's up, tell him you're no longer going to be seeking his affection like a lap dog. If he wants to give you affection, that's fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too.

I think that, given that you won't consider divorce, is the best course of action.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> That's how the thermostat works. When you pull back, he comes in a bit to fill the vacuum. Just stay constant in your interactions with him. And don't seem angry. Be polite, but cool. If he asks you what's up, tell him you're no longer going to be seeking his affection like a lap dog. If he wants to give you affection, that's fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too.
> 
> I think that, given that you won't consider divorce, is the best course of action.


Unfortunately, I will be so mad about this stupid game playing that Im not going to want him. I want him to want me when I want him and vice versa... not have to pretend Im not into him to get his attention. It may get him treating me better but it cooled me off all the way to hate/hurtville.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't know much about the heat-cool theory, but I will say this. My husband once requested that I not greet him enthusiastically at the door when he came home from a work trip. He had been gone a week. I complied. For me this equated to not expressing my emotions. I just stuffed my joy down. After awhile I didn't even feel the joy of him returning form a trip. I greet him in a very subdued manner now. For me this game playing means I can't be who I am. It doesn't work for me. I am learning in therapy now how to find my emotions and my voice again.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

toolate said:


> Unfortunately, I will be so mad about this stupid game playing that Im not going to want him. I want him to want me when I want him and vice versa... not have to pretend Im not into him to get his attention. It may get him treating me better but it cooled me off all the way to hate/hurtville.


Don't look at it as a game. It sounds like you've tried games to manipulate him in the past and it hasn't worked. Games rarely work.

I think you have three options.

1. The status quo. You stay true to yourself being a hot partner. You know that this results in him being a cool partner. You're not happy with this.

2. You change your behavior. Stop seeking his approval and affection, which results in resentment when you don't get it. Decide, for your own sanity, that you are going to match his effort in the relationship. You're going to stop loving him more than he loves you. If he wants more love from you, he will be required to show you more love.

3. Divorce.

I don't recommend #1 and I recommend trying #2 before proceeding to #3. If #2 accomplishes nothing else, it will wean you off of your spouse. If you spend several months actively loving your spouse less, a divorce will be less traumatic for you when it comes. But there are several examples of the thermostat method working to warm up a cool spouse. I would certainly give it an earnest effort.

Good luck.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know pulling back from a cooler partner isn't supposed to be game-playing. It's supposed to be a way for you to maintain your own self-respect and dignity, which seems to go down the tubes if you constantly have to 'chase' your partner in order for your self-worth to be validated.

You have to learn to stand on your own two feet, be proud of who YOU are, quit chasing your spouse for pats of validation, and if they want to meet you in the middle, all the better.

But a relationship dynamic where one partner is always chasing after the other and constantly needs that validation from their partner instead of getting that from within themself, is not going to be a healthy relationship.

See the worth that YOU have as a person. If you can do that, you won't need to chase. They will come to you.

Best wishes.


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

toolate said:


> guess what, the thermostat thing may be working for HIM... I resisted saying goodbye to him when he left the house this morning without having said one word to me and he just sent me 2 somewhat loving/nice txts??? All it does is make me ask WTF? I tell him Im done asking him to join me in the marriage and dont say another word to him since last night and now he sends me this?


I tried the same last night and today (not too hard), and my wife was the one who said I love, kissed me good night, and has called twice.

My guess is that it needs to be adjusted to each situation, but so far so good.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You know pulling back from a cooler partner isn't supposed to be game-playing. It's supposed to be a way for you to maintain your own self-respect and dignity, which seems to go down the tubes if you constantly have to 'chase' your partner in order for your self-worth to be validated.
> 
> You have to learn to stand on your own two feet, be proud of who YOU are, quit chasing your spouse for pats of validation, and if they want to meet you in the middle, all the better.
> 
> ...


So true...this is exactly how I, as the 'warmer' partner, feel! But I must stress that I am finding it extremely difficult, this cooling off!


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## lostontheroad (Nov 9, 2011)

I've been trying to cool off myself. It's incredibly hard. Partly, it's because it doesn't work instantly! You have to survive some time without th affection you crave before your partners reactions kick in. I also feel pathetic that the little bits of affection mean so much to me. She kissed me in a restaurant the other day, on her way to the bathroom. I literally teared up with happiness! 

But I'm convinced that it does work, or at least help. Keep up the strength!


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

I am trying to figure out which of us is the hotter and which the cooler. It seems we go through cycles. More recently, I was the hotter, but she has been during many periods of our marriage. In the past few weeks I have tried to cool off and I notice she does respond somewhat. Especially with initiating the ILYs, kisses goodnight, and texts/calls during the day. It is difficult, however, for me to cool off too much as I have been going through a rather rough patch personally and professionally for the past few months and have really craved more time and attention from her. 

How do I reconcile my increased need for affection, which is connected to my "hotness" with the desire not to become a smothering and clingy partner?


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