# Jealous when LD wife masturbates



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I know there were some previous threads on this topic, but hoping to get some fresh insight. My wife of 15 years has always been realitivly low sexual desire (not absent of desire, but pretty low need). We have some type of sex at least weekly, but it is more about a quick orgasm (for both of us) to feel good than it is about an "expereince". It is normally pretty dull and mostly just mechanical. 
I often look forward to the 2 or 3 times a year my wife is really sexually expresive ("horny" for lack of a better word), but I find that often those far adn few between times that happen for her are a "must have it immediatly" kind of thing and she often just masturbates. I get really jealous of this, not becuase I have an issue with masturbation, but more becuase her sagnificant sexual expression is so rare, when she runs off an takes care of her needs by herself, it then can be months before that level of need happens again. I also find that becuase she is so worked up in these situations, she normally has a mind blowing orgasm and a great expereince. For sex between the 2 of us, it is normally just so-so


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's messed up. You, not masturbation, should be the default for her. Maybe she doesn't like sex with you. What do you do to entice and seduce her?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

How frequently does she masturbate like this? I suspect that it happens more than you realize and that your wife is not LD. I also suspect that what you did in the past thru today does not satisfy her sexually. I'm not saying that you're not good at having sex - I have no idea TBH - but perhaps there are a variety of things you do that turns her off. Just for example, maybe you don't shower enough and she thinks you have poor hygiene.

Try to find the things you do that set her off. I'm guessing she may feel desires for you but you do something to kill it, and she elects to self service as a result.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

She is somewhat open about saying something when she masturbates (she bring is up...not be asking), and it is 4 or 5 times a year. I dont doubt there are more times than she does not say anything. No sure many people run and tell someone everytime they masturbate. 

I actually support the idea of masturbating in a healthy sex life....it is just an issue for me when it is the times she is really sexually expressive and uses that as a outlet and leaves me (and our marriage) with the leftovers. 

Without writitng a 1000 words, I cannot explain that I am prety confident "bad sex" is not really the issue, but I think ruitine or "run of the mill" expereinces are a reality. We are very open with each other on every other topic that I dont think something physical (for example hygiene) is the issue. 

If anything, I think that she gets bored easily (that is evident in many other areas), and she keeps her most intense sexuality to herself becuase she just does not see it playing out in our relationship. I just wish she woudl confront that with me directly. I woudl accept it better and not be jealous if it was open and on the table. It just feels sneaky when she feels the need to go it alone if it is a "must have" situation.....or course, she always has some reason and denies it is anything in our relationship or me....but teh leftovers tell a different story.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

@intheory - We do sometimes masturbate togther and that is a very different situation. I am all for that. When she has her alone times, she often finds a way to tell me it was so amazing. She does not say our time togther is not or directly compare them, but she will surely comment on how great the masturbation time was. It seems that she feels more free to go mentally where she wants when alone (which I get), but it makes me jealous that she cant feel open to express that with me. It is almost like she is not comfortable sharing her true sexuality with me....and that is what makes me jealous. She is my wife and I love her, but when I feel she keeps a part of her self from me, it is hard to accept.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you ever just go really out of the box to make it intense for her? Pushing her down on the bed, tying her hands and taking her? That sort of thing?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Intheory,

I am pretty sure I have unintentionally "shamed" her in the past and I am sure that contributes to the issues. I dont think it was as obvious of a situation as you had, and not related to her wanting to try something adventurous, but what I am aware of is that I stumbled across things that turned her on, and I became fixated on them and pushed her too much to open up to me. I did it out of desperation and wanting to find mutual things to put some passion in the bedroom, but I think it squashed things more than helped. I sometimes feel that she decided opening up to me sexually (about her sexual feelings) was going to cause me to constantly want to bring it up again and again (with the hopes to spark something). It seems when she does get into a "horny" mood, she feels too risky to enage me with it, so she keeps those times to herself, but that drives the jealousy for me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I sense a real lack of intimacy and trust here. You've said that when you do have sex it's a quickie for the release, so you guys are not bonding. You two need to spend more time bonding outside the bedroom and then you can work on creating a safe place in the bedroom. Pushing has to stop, as you've found out it creates an unsafe place. Work on creating a safe place where she can come to you within her comfort zone. I too suspect she's higher drive than you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Intheory,
> 
> I am pretty sure I have unintentionally "*shamed*" her in the past and I am sure that contributes to the issues. I dont think it was as obvious of a situation as you had, and not related to her wanting to try something adventurous, but what I am aware of is that I stumbled across things that turned her on, and I became fixated on them and pushed her too much to open up to me. I did it out of desperation and wanting to find mutual things to put some passion in the bedroom, but I think it squashed things more than helped. I sometimes feel that she decided opening up to me sexually (about her sexual feelings) was going to cause me to constantly want to bring it up again and again (with the hopes to spark something). It seems when she does get into a "horny" mood, she feels too risky to enage me with it, so she keeps those times to herself, but that drives the jealousy for me.


Well some of that is needed. She is burning her sexual energy with her own fantasies and masterbatinng.....and then like you said you get the left overs. That's not ok at all. Sounds like you have done everything but the direct confrontation route to tell her how this makes you feel. If it is that she has fantasies she is too embarrassed to share with you ask her to write them down or have her find an example of porn and show it to you. 

Some men and women are consumed with their own pleasure and don't care about the partners. It's clear you do care about yours and hers so communication, clear communication, is needed here.


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