# Wife might have BPD



## led_zepp (Jun 12, 2013)

After sharing my issues about my STBX in my last *post *I had been pointed out my some members about BPD I have been doing some research into BPD & with the points mentioned on shrink4men I am listing my issues I faced with my STBX. As I will be getting a divorce soon I don’t want to go on saying to her family that she might possibly have BPD & needs to consult a therapist . *Please just let me know from the 13 signs is she BPD or is it just I am going nuts & getting obsessed with the fact she might have BPD*. Anyhow I wont be pushing matters further as enough is enough.I am using shrink4men as a reference as its written in layman words.

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men



*1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings.*

In the start of marriage I was very open & honest about everything (life at work , my colleagues , with whom I spend time at lunch, etc) . But then I started noticing if I be honest about anything especially if I talk what I spoke with a female colleague or friend it backfires back to me. She would start asking me do you like her, what is so attractive about her, how long have you known her – it was judgment without any basis. After time I started concealing my thoughts & emotions. Down the line she started saying why don’t you discuss about what happens in the office! I started just saying nothing much.

*2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.*

I had disclosed to her about some of my relationship before marriage or before I met her. Every time there is a fight or argument she brings up my past relations without any reason. I know she has a past but I can never ever think of just putting the context in an argument. Another issue is that incase she has work the next day(when is with a job) & we sleep late (which she always wants) I am always to be blamed for sleeping late! Incase my salary comes in late I am blamed. Incase I answer a question she asks , she will ask the same question again 2-3 times, If I say her I just answered you I am blamed for being irrational. 

*3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.*

She always used to complain (for 3 years) I never give her enough time .I come back from work at 7 or 9PM & spend the rest of the time with her till 1AM , on weekends I am out with her, I don’t meet any friends just to spend time with her. I had broken my relations with a close friend just for her.Yet still she always complained I don’t give enough time. I had told this to her parents 2 months back & now she is saying me that she never ever complained that I don’t give enough time to her. WTF. What ever I buy for her is never enough , no matter how much time I spend with her is never enough. No matter how much sex we have its not enough till her inners are paining.

*4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.*

In case I need to go out with friends (which I inform in advance) or go to a business dinner she will always fall sick on that day ( I have a very strong feeling its made up) . Even if I have to go for the dinner or outing I always feel guilty. Till this day she has never ever said me to go with a true heart or feeling. She just always falls sick on that particular day. I have been with her for 3 years so its not obvious she is just manipulating me. She says baseless lies about my family & friends , when I confront them they are like they she never ever told such a thing . When I confront her about it she is like they are lying to you. I know my friends & family who I know for my whole life , they would never make up lies. Even if they do lie , is everyone lying???? 

*5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you.
*
One day she is fine , bright & chirpy as long as I keep her entertained every night & every weekend. Any day I am busy in the office & don’t pick up her called even she knows I have a business meeting, I come home late or don’t send her an sms saying I love you or I am missing you that days are the worst of my life. She will hate me like there is no tomorrow , she will be all depressed & sad just because I didn’t pick up her call , send her an sms stating I love you & I miss you . During those days I regret why I didn’t pick up her call or sms her because I have to face hell in the night at home

*6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.*

If I express my feelings to her she just states she has full authority over me as she is my wife & she doesn’t want to express my feelings to her because it hurts her & I am the world for her. If I ask her lets meet my friends & spouses she will be like why to spend time with them when we both can spend time together. I & her spend all weekday nights & weekends together but its never ever enough !! arrggghhhh.

*7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.
*
At times I think I am going crazy & insane . I feel I have lost it. She even lablelled me insane and asked me to go for consultations for anger issues (all the anger is due to her stupid acts & behaviour).3 months back I had quit my job because I couldn’t take the stress at work & the double stress from my wife at home because it felt like taking care of a small child as if I do anything against her wishes I am fu***d . In the last 4-5 months I just go to the bar to have a drink as it eases my stress & I feel better after a drink . Even I started smoking a pack a day(20 cigs) because the amount of stress & emotional burden I had on my head. if I go home I have to take care of her as a small child & conceal all my emotions, stress & worries in front of her otherwise I am labeled a bad husband.

*8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality.*

She says one thing & then later says something else which conflicts with her initial statement. If I bring up with a statement she said in the past she would just go like I never promised that , I never said that. She lives in a fantasy world & cant come out of it.

*9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.*

She isolated me from 2 really close friends & in the past 2 months trying her best to isolate me from my family by convincing me to migrate to some country far away from my parents & also tried to break me from my family by communicating false accusations behind my back . When my parents told me about the false accusations I was like WTF, when I told her did you say such a thing she goes like NO your family is lying to you. She tries her best to isolate me from my friends & family & successfully achieved breaking my friendship with 2 close buddies.

*10) Walking on landmines*

As started earlier I have to sugarcoat everything I say , if I express my feeling , emotions or what I want she will go emotional & be in a bad mood.

*11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.*

One day I am her savior & she loves me very very much…. After a week she hates me & says I have destroyed her life. The next day she says I love you so much & cooks the best lunch\dinner . And the cycle goes on.
*
12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.*

If I am chatting with a colleague about some issues at work its WRONG. If she is chatting with a male colleague & they talk about kissing & he wants to kiss her badly , its OK & they are only friends. If I see a beautiful girl & compliment what a nice dress (without any bad thoughts) its WRONG, if she is seeing a hunk or a handsome guy , she will say things like he has strong hands , he is so handsome, whoever girl is with him is very lucky, he has a nice personality unlike me. This is OK with her. If I want to clear the thing out with her that she is wrong in this area, she accuses me of bullying

*13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.*

Start of the marriage I was a handsome guy , I gave up on the gym just on her request so I can spend time with her. Now after 3 years she says I am lucky with such a beautiful wife but never leave me as I love you so much. She threatens for divorce one day & the next day she says don’t leave me , never leave me. This goes on & on.

After every fight or heated argument she wants to have sex (unless she is on her period) even though I am not in the mood as I am pissed off. If I don’t make love to her after an argument the fight will go on till 4-5AM.

She always promises to change but I know from the patterns of last 3 years she never will.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In my personal opinion, #1-10 can all be present when there's simply a lot of incompatibility. Even though they're also present when BPD or NPD is part of the picture, many or all of these can be present without either person having a psychiatric disorder. 

#11-13 are much more telling. #12 is a behavior is very characteristic of BPD, but not so much NPD. The other two tend to be present with either disorder, but not with psychologically healthy people.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Please just let me know from the 13 signs is she BPD.


LZ, nobody on this forum can tell you whether your W "has BPD." Only a professional can determine whether she meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. And a professional cannot do that without meeting her.

I can only tell you that you are describing most of the nine behaviors that are listed in the DSM-5 as constituting BPD symptoms (i.e., traits). Yet, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of those traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. At issue, then, is not whether she has the nine traits. Of course she does. We ALL do.

Rather, at issue is whether she has most of the 9 BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Because none of us on TAM have ever met her, we cannot answer that question.

I can say, however, that you likely are fully capable of spotting all the BPD symptoms -- i.e., strong BPD behaviors -- when they occur. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and strong fear of abandonment.

You already know what those behaviors look and feel like. You yourself exhibited strong BPD traits on a 24/7 basis in early childhood and, to a lesser, extent in later childhood. Your BPD traits likely flared up again for several years in your early to mid-teens. Indeed, it is so common for teenagers to behave like BPDers that psychologists generally refuse to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18.

The psychiatric community itself believes you are capable of recognizing strong BPD traits when they occur. This is why hundreds of the best hospitals and mental health centers have placed a description of the 9 BPD traits on their websites. They are trying to educate the lay public about the symptoms of BPD and other PDs. 

These institutions know that, when people are able to spot the symptoms, they are far more likely to seek professional help -- and do so far more quickly. To encourage people to learn more about these symptoms, the U.S. Congress declared (in 2008) that May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

If your W does have full-blown BPD, she likely is "high functioning," which means she usually interacts well with people she is not close to. Hence, even if she does "have BPD," there is little chance you will ever receive such a diagnosis. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer -- much less her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection). This information is routinely withheld and does not even show up on the forms submitted to insurance companies. I explain the reasons at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909.

Hence, if you want professional verification of your assessment, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion -- which I do recommend -- is to see a psychologist who has never seen or treated your W. He will be ethically bound to protect only your best interests, not hers. Yet, because he has not seen her, he cannot render a formal diagnosis. Instead, he can only say "It sure sounds to me like your W may be suffering from ...."

For the purposes of deciding whether to remain married to her, you really do not need a formal diagnosis. That is, you don't need to know whether her BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." Even when the traits fall well short of that threshold -- and the person "does not have BPD," the traits can be so strong that they make the spouse miserable and undermine the marriage. A woman meeting 70% or 80% of the diagnostic criteria can be almost as difficult to live with as one meeting 100%.

At issue then -- as I said above -- is whether your W's BPD traits are so strong and persistent that you are very unhappy much of the time. Unless you are blind, deaf, and dumb, you are capable of spotting strong occurrences of those traits.

If you do spot most traits at a strong and persistent level, I strongly suggest you do not tell your W. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation back onto you. And, because the projection is done subconsciously, she will consciously believe that YOU are the BPDer.

As to your own family members, if you want to tell them please avoid saying that your W "has BPD." You don't know that. And, even if she does have BPD, you likely will never see such a diagnosis. I therefore suggest you say that you believe your W "has strong BPD traits" because you are fully capable of spotting strong traits when they occur.

Before you graduated high school, LZ, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The pharmaceutical companies thank you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SomedayDig said:


> The pharmaceutical companies thank you.


Dig, you likely are thinking of bipolar disorder, which is not the subject of this thread. Drugs cannot make a dent in BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and thus are not prescribed for it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Seriously, and I wanted to separate this from my original response - look at the plethora of commercials; whether they're on the television or in a magazine that tell YOU to tell your doctor about "these" symptoms.

I hate sounding like a conspiracy kinda dude, but come the f-ck on. How many commercials for Cialis do we have to endure to get a hard on where we hear 5,000,000 side effects and the bad sh-t that can come of taking these drugs. Do not think for a moment that any "anti-psychotropic" drug won't be worse than a hard on pill.

When the side effect is suicide - turn the f-ck AWAY!!

They are encouraging people to self diagnose. That's how they made billions of dollars last year. Do you really think a regular doctor is going to make a full diagnosis when you present with these "symptoms" that they push on us? No way. They're dealing with insurance companies and the government trying to earn a buck. They don't care. They'll prescribe whatever. Then they're gonna turn your 5 minute visit in for a $100+ payment.

It's money.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Dig, you likely are thinking of bipolar disorder, which is not the subject of this thread. Drugs cannot make a dent in BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and thus are not prescribed for it.


Okay. Then, I sit corrected. I'm not standing at the moment so that would be lying 

I will keep my last post up though regarding what I think is the wrong turn the world has taken regarding drugs.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thank goodness she is your STBX. you have endured more stress and sadness than a person should in a marriage. thank goodness you are getting out of this mentally ill hell sooner rather than later.

There was only thing you needed to say to make me think your STBX has BPD - walking on landmines.

You are a free man. Enjoy your new liberated life.


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