# Feeling Held Back



## LeiaLove

Hello All,

I don't usually post on here because usually it makes me worry MORE about whatever subject I'm thinking about than it does help me. In this case, though, I've been thinking about stuff a lot anyways. Might as well post.  

My husband and I have been married 3 years. We are both Christians and have been from the start. The last few weeks (and on and off in the past 3 years) I have been thinking more and more about sinful things. The major thoughts that seem to be coming without much control are leaving my husband and having an affair. I have NO prospects for an affair. No one is interested. I've never come close. It's more of the idea of an affair that I've been thinking about. By that I mean, what media portrays it as: extreme passion and someone desiring you strongly. I think most of the thoughts stem from the one idea that has been shoved into my head: be free to be yourself. While I am mostly myself with him, I feel very constrained. I am very outdoorsy, a bit of a free-spirit but not to the extreme. We have very different interests so when I want to go camping or hiking I can, BUT there is a limit to how many times I can do this - say, in a month. I understand the limit. I know there SHOULD be a limit so we don't grow apart and live separate lives. I just hate feeling like "I can't do that awesome thing because of my husband". 

These feelings make me want to run. They make me just want to leave with no notice. They make me wish I could stop believing the Bible so I wouldn't be held by some moral code that I really don't want to follow. They make me wish HE was having an affair on me so I would have a way out. And all this stuff that I know want (or think I want) is making me feel incredibly guilty - as I believe I probably should! I don't know what to do. I feel held-back from the life I COULD have. I know marriage is about sacrifice but I just don't want to. Every time I have a feeling like this I pray, but my prayer life hasn't been so great the last few years and I just don't feel like it's making a difference. Help?


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## LeiaLove

By the way, I should mention that my husband is a great guy. Our relationship started out rocky but it is wonderful now. He loves me very much and shows it all the time. This is absolutely not because of him. It is all me.


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## Tasorundo

It is a lie, flat out a lie. The world will tell you how awesome it is, and how you are missing out on all of this awesome passion and desire.

I believed it, struggled for years, and then had a ONS. That brief moment of exhilaration quickly faded into the reality and emptiness of what I had done. The pain in my wife's eyes when I told her, the guilt of betraying the person I loved, all crushed down harder than I ever thought it could.

All for what? Emptiness. Affairs are not glamorous, just like some media can portray drug use as sexy and fun. The reality is that it destroys people, leaves them always wanting, always searching. There is no joy to be found there, only greater pain and emptiness than you can imagine.


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## LeiaLove

Wow. I told myself those things too but some combination of hearing it from someone else and praying actually really helped. I'm sure I am not completely done struggling with this issue but as of now, I actually feel a lot better about it. I love my husband and now I don't feel like I am resenting him. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.


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## SimplyAmorous

LeiaLove said:


> My husband and I have been married 3 years. We are both Christians and have been from the start. The last few weeks (and on and off in the past 3 years) I have been thinking more and more about sinful things. The major thoughts that seem to be coming without much control are leaving my husband and having an affair. I have NO prospects for an affair. No one is interested. I've never come close. It's more of the idea of an affair that I've been thinking about. By that I mean, *what media portrays it as: extreme passion and someone desiring you strongly. I think most of the thoughts stem from the one idea that has been shoved into my head: be free to be yourself. While I am mostly myself with him, I feel very constrained. I am very outdoorsy, a bit of a free-spirit but not to the extreme.*
> 
> We have very different interests so when I want to go camping or hiking I can, BUT there is a limit to how many times I can do this - say, in a month. I understand the limit. I know there SHOULD be a limit so we don't grow apart and live separate lives. I just hate feeling like "I can't do that awesome thing because of my husband".


1st question... do you and your husband openly TALK about Sex, DESIRE, do you FLIRT, some teasing.. .ya know the FUN stuff that some Christians may feel is "dirty" because of their upbringing... 

There is so much SPICING you can do to UP your sex lives....it's one of the best things you can do in your young marriage to UP the passion & connection.... 

Sounds the fantasies you are having is the type you'd read in a steamy Romance Novel.... did you know they call these "Rape Fantasies" (not as bad as it sounds and very common)... 

Women's Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean? 

Explained here >>


> Rape or near-rape fantasies are central to romance novels, one of the perennial best-selling categories in fiction. These books are often called "bodice-rippers" and have titles like Love's Sweet Savage Fury, which imply at least some degree of force. In them, a handsome cad becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses--which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment.
> 
> Romance novels are often called "porn for women." Porn is all about sexual fantasies. In porn for men, the fantasy is sexual abundance--eager women who can't get enough and have no interest in a relationship. In porn for women as depicted in romance novels, the fantasy is to be desired so much that the man loses all control, though he never actually hurts the woman, and in the end, marries her.





> Originally Posted by *LeiaLove*
> These feelings make me want to run. They make me just want to leave with no notice. They make me wish I could stop believing the Bible *so I wouldn't be held by some moral code that I really don't want to follow. *They make me wish HE was having an affair on me so I would have a way out. And all this stuff that I know want (or think I want) *is making me feel incredibly guilty* - as I believe I probably should! I don't know what to do.* I feel held-back from the life I COULD have. I know marriage is about sacrifice but I just don't want to.* Every time I have a feeling like this I pray, but my prayer life hasn't been so great the last few years and I just don't feel like it's making a difference. Help?


 What you say here makes me think you have just been TRYING to walk the walk.. do you question your beliefs... do you feel your beliefs hold you back from being the free spirit you feel is inside you...like you are caged....your life a merry go round of GUILT over sexual thoughts... If so...I'd say , if your husband and you open the sex dialog, you can both climb new heights with each other...revive the dopamine response in each other through bonding & emotional connection.

Take him on a camping trip and have adventurous sex / make some new Memories with each other! ... I would get a hold of some spicing books, talk about your fantasies... so many things you can do... We all want







and







in the bedroom! 

Here are some resources.....



> Sheet Music - Uncovering the secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage  ....Excellent book for Christians.
> 
> Sex Info 101 website - Granddaddy list of Sexual Positions
> 
> Complete Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex ....very informative for new lovers -covers it all!
> 
> When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ..... ...
> 
> Identifying Your Libido Type
> 
> 
> Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man .....every wife should read this!
> 
> She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman  ....every husband should read this!
> 
> The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction
> 
> Discover Your Lover Board Game ....might help break some inhibitions reading cards & playing a game!


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## ScarletBegonias

LeiaLove said:


> By that I mean, what media portrays it as: extreme passion and someone desiring you strongly. I think most of the thoughts stem from the one idea that has been shoved into my head: be free to be yourself.


This is what's wrong with surrounding yourself in media related things.It makes you long for things that simply are not realistic for a long term solid relationship.There isn't always going to be extreme passion and strong desire.You're going to have periods of boredom and every day routine will take over occasionally which snuffs out that passion. There are peaks and valleys.
Stop listening to what the media tells you is out there.The whole thing is based on getting people to feel a sense of dissatisfaction for the way they live and what they have so they'll spend money and become a product sponge.
The whole "be free to be yourself" movement is utter crap in my opinion.Their meaning of being free to be yourself means stepping on others and becoming a self centered weapon of consumption.

Find freedom in what you have already instead of trying to define freedom the way the media defines it.

I say do the things you enjoy and try to get your spouse as involved as possible.Cultivate new interests that cater to both your needs.He has to be an active participant in this.You can't do it on your own.It takes two people to say I DO before a marriage is real and it takes two people to keep it going.


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