# Why would he bother?



## a2b3c (Sep 21, 2012)

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks. When we moved in together about a year ago, he cut all ties with a female friend that stayed in contact with him through email and a once a year at the most dinner/get together. Even if they never spoke about it directly, I know that he believed she had some feelings for him. She never did anything aggressive to pursue him, only initiating the contact with him. He did stay in touch too, responding occasionally, but he also never told her of our relationship and how her contact was no longer appropriate until we moved in together. He hinted, but it was too subtle without all the other information he chose not to share directly.

She found out about our engagement and sent him a short note congratulating him. He responded, very brief, but I don't believe he should have.

I do think he loves me. My concern is that she has had a hard time letting go, and responding at all may open the door for communication to begin again on her part. I don't really understand why he responded at all - if he doesn't wish to remain friendly, or tell her about his engagement/relationship, why would he want to remain in contact with her at all? It would be inappropriate after our marriage, whether or not she was in a relationship as well. 

Am I overreacting? What was he thinking?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

He did the right thing, he closed down that chapter of his life and so has she as long as this is the LAST time they communicate about it.

I'm more concerned about why he didn't tell her of his relationship with you. Because when 2 + 2 together... it does become a bit of a worry.


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## a2b3c (Sep 21, 2012)

Well, I don't know if I think he really "closed" that chapter. He heard from her a few days later, and she asked about their "friendship" and where it stood. He told he would like to hear how she is doing (occasionally), but that's it. I happened upon that information myself, not meaning to spy but I couldn't help it. I saw it and wondered what else needed to be said. 

As for why he didn't tell her - I would guess that since we were on/off during the first few months/year of our relationship, she was the other on/off when our relationship wasn't going well/meeting his needs. I can't say that for sure, but it is my guess. 

From what he tells me, they have known each other a long time. It sounds like she was always a supportive friend to him, so I am a little disappointed how he handled the situation with her, but feel she needs to go.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, she needs to go; your fiance probably 'doesn't want to be rude'. I went back and forth with my (then) fiance about one of his old friends, too. She was a pain in my ass until last Christmas, when she came a'fishin' again...only then did he see what she was REALLY like. He needs to cut her out. Now.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

a2b3c said:


> My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks. When we moved in together about a year ago, he cut all ties with a female friend that stayed in contact with him through email and a once a year at the most dinner/get together. Even if they never spoke about it directly, I know that he believed she had some feelings for him. She never did anything aggressive to pursue him, only initiating the contact with him. He did stay in touch too, responding occasionally, but he also never told her of our relationship and how her contact was no longer appropriate until we moved in together. He hinted, but it was too subtle without all the other information he chose not to share directly.
> 
> She found out about our engagement and sent him a short note congratulating him. He responded, very brief, but I don't believe he should have.
> 
> ...



OK. Ill be the minority voice. My immediate reaction to this is going overboard.

So what.. your husband is not allowed to even speak with females once a year? Thats crazy. What - dont you trust him to even say 'thank you' over coffee when someone congratulates him on getting engaged?

wow. Maybe I just dont know all the background here - but if my (then) fiance acted like that - it would have givn me pause. At the very least - you should offer that the 3 of you go and have a meet/greet hello. Not of course as a chaperonne - but you know... just to get everything out in the open and trust me - you will have a much better idea of what you are dealing with once you can see things with your own eyes. 

example: sorry. Im not allowed to talk to you, my wife/husband wont let me.

I wouldnt want to be that person. Nor would I want to be the person imposing the restriction.

"I don't really understand why he responded at all", "what was he thiking". "contact was inapproprite" Really? what were YOU thinking? That he is looking for something on the side? Hasnt he made his choice, or isnt it obvious to you yet?

You are being jealous, untrusting, insecure and controlling... and you havent even got married yet.

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funny thing is - I am usually VERY cautious in this regard.. maybe it is just the way you are phrasng it and the words you are using.. but life is short - dont so easily discard friendships - especially when it is something that seems to me to be fairly benign.

My worry is that you are setting the bar here, the guidelines of trust - the groundrules for.. well for the rest of your lives. If you cant trust him already how will you ever know that you can? Answer - you won't - and it will eat at your brain whenever he starts talking about a marketing consultant he is working with that turns out to be a freaking bombshell who is about to get divorced. You need to deal with this now. This is something that is going to come up again - future co-workers, other friends, etc.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

a2b3c said:


> . He told he would like to hear how she is doing (occasionally), but that's it. go.


This is why I wish I still had some contact with people I was in relationships with before. You care about those people and just want to know how they are doing in life. To me, it is sad that we have people who come into our life, we care about and thenlater on we have no idea what happens to them. We don't know how they are doing or what they accomplished. It is just sad to me that that happens.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> OK. Ill be the minority voice. My immediate reaction to this is going overboard.
> 
> So what.. your husband is not allowed to even speak with females once a year? Thats crazy. What - dont you trust him to even say 'thank you' over coffee when someone congratulates him on getting engaged?
> 
> ...


The OP said that her fiance suspected that his female friend had feelings for him. Which pretty much cancels out a lot of what you say above. It's one thing to have a strict platonic friendship. Anything more, is playing with fire, IMO, not to mention, potentially getting the friends hopes up for something more.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> The OP said that her fiance suspected that his female friend had feelings for him. Which pretty much cancels out a lot of what you say above. It's one thing to have a strict platonic friendship. Anything more, is playing with fire, IMO, not to mention, potentially getting the friends hopes up for something more.


I disagree. Cancels out alot of what I say? No.

'getting the friends hopes up'? For what? I missed that part.

Any way you slice it - this is a bad way to start a marriage to me.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm going to agree with Anotherguy on this. It's not that this woman doesn't have feelings but your fiancee has handled this in a very mature way.

He was friendly with her but also established some very clear boundaries. He has also told you everything. Now if he wanted to start hanging out with her every other weekend, you'd have something to be concerned about, but him saying "I'd love to still hear how your doing every once in a while" is probably his way of "easing her down". Lots of people say "oh yeah, we'll keep in touch" and in their heart of hearts they don't really care, they're just being nice. I truly thing your fiancee is just being nice.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"The more posts I read. 
The more I love my wife!"

I like this. I feel the same way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you are overreacting.

She sent a congratulatory not eand he probaby thanked her, since it was the cordial/polite thing to do. 

He's already told her to back off once so she knows not to meddle.

If he does do anything inappropriate, that's when you should owrry but right now I don't think he was wrong for thanking her.


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## a2b3c (Sep 21, 2012)

I know about the situation only because I happened upon it. I stopped in to see him and picked up his mail on the way in, and he had received a Christmas gift from her. When I asked who she was, then he told me.

I don't deny my husband having women friends - he has many. Some are wives of his friends, many are people he knows in other ways. My concern is that (1) she did have feelings for him - and yes, he never went beyond that (nor did she, to my understanding); (2) he never told her about our relationship. If the relationship was one he wanted to keep, I think he would have been more upfront. He has known her for years. After he had spent so much time not talking to her, I guess if he didn't see a point in the relationship anymore - why bother to respond to any communication with her at all? I appreciate what you are saying - maturity and politeness - but at the same time, it isn't like they passed on the street. He chose to reply, and he chose what to say. I know he has chosen me and is not interested in her, but since she still seems to be the one initiating contact with him, it seems like she does still have feelings for him. I know he set the records straight, so I guess he tried to be friendly and she took it as something more. He tried to set the record straight again, but I think he should have known better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He didn't close the chapter. She found out about his engagement and contacted him. How do you know about the extent of their relationship? If he's been keeping you a secret from her, what makes you think he's been truthful to you about her? I'd be careful.


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