# Wife never had a great sex drive to begin with



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

When we first went out if was like twice a week. Even on our honeymoon, we did it like twice. So I guess its something I've always dealt with. Some of you might think I'm mad but she makes up for this in other areas.

Been together 20 years now and got young son. Its got less and less, down to about once every 2/3 months now.

Anyone else get this? We have spoken about it but as she quite fairly says she never did have much of a sex drive....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

20 years 
3 kids

Twice a week on average. Sometimes 3 times - when she is broken - cycling - maybe once that week. 

A low libido person has a responsibility to meet their high drive spouse half way. So for us - her drive is 2/3 month, my drive is 15/month. Our compromise is an actual even split at 8/9 times a month. 





psychocandy said:


> When we first went out if was like twice a week. Even on our honeymoon, we did it like twice. So I guess its something I've always dealt with. Some of you might think I'm mad but she makes up for this in other areas.
> 
> Been together 20 years now and got young son. Its got less and less, down to about once every 2/3 months now.
> 
> Anyone else get this? We have spoken about it but as she quite fairly says she never did have much of a sex drive....


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

right there with ya psycho, 3 kids and 20 years and minimal sex

while i cant claim to be totally happy, i have come to grips with it. lowering ones expectations helps. it also hurts other areas of the relationship however. i am alot shorter with her and i can tell i give less of a **** how things turn out. oh well


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> 20 years
> 3 kids
> 
> Twice a week on average. Sometimes 3 times - when she is broken - cycling - maybe once that week.
> ...


I guess its great that you can to a compromise like that...

Trouble is the low libido person has all the power. :-(


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The statement that the low libido person has all the power is self full-filling victimspeak. 

The person with all the power in the R is simply the person who is more powerful. There are 3 drivers that cause a low libido spouse to make the effort to meet their high drive partner in the middle - or maybe even better then in the middle. 

But you also have to try to find out why they don't want to have sex with you - as simple as bad breath, not enough soap in the shower, as complex as you are emotionally crowding them. The primary drivers of behavior are:

Love
Denial of love
Guilt

If you have made the effort to be a really good partner - the love part is genuine, and your partner WANTS to make you happy because it makes them feel good to make you happy. This is by far the best driver - and the hardest to create. You must have at least some love for the other 2 to work. If they do not love you, then you denying them love and you laying guilt are not effective. If they love you a LOT - then the problem can sometimes be solved by simply getting them to understand just how unacceptable and painful the situation is for you.

Denial of love can be as simple as the statement that when the last child goes to school/turns 18 you are leaving - as blunt and immediate as the total refusal to participate in any social activities that you historically did for your spouse - or as subtle as the slow but steady emotional withdrawal from the relationship characterized by limiting conversations to schedules, the kids, and the weather. It can be the delivery of a very simple card at birthday/holidays where in the past you gave gifts. 

Guilt: Once you start denying love you may get some comments about how much you are hurting your spouse. The best thing to do in those situations is to try as hard as possible to mix education and empathy. 

I feel for you - I KNOW how much that hurts, the way you feel right now, that is how I feel when you reject me sexually. You keep telling them that when they are feeling sad and rejected and eventually they grasp the notion that it is truly cruel to reject your partner like that. 

BUT ALL of these things have to be done in a calm, rational way. When she says - what do you mean you aren't coming to my parents house. You have to be able to say: I don't feel loved, I am not having my needs met in this marriage, and therefore no longer feel inclined to do things that I don't enjoy. When my needs are being met, and I feel loved we can return to the old way of doing things. 










MEM11363 said:


> 20 years
> 3 kids
> 
> Twice a week on average. Sometimes 3 times - when she is broken - cycling - maybe once that week.
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> BUT ALL of these things have to be done in a calm, rational way. When she says - what do you mean you aren't coming to my parents house. You have to be able to say: I don't feel loved, I am not having my needs met in this marriage, and therefore no longer feel inclined to do things that I don't enjoy. When my needs are being met, and I feel loved we can return to the old way of doing things.


:iagree:

It's all about what we used to call in England "stick and carrot". It's a balance between getting the behaviour you want by being loving, versus being firm. There is a place for both behaviours.

A husband who is firm and commanding all the time is not a turn on. He is hard work!

A husband who tries to be permanently nicey-nice, who always puts his wife first, and never takes anything for himself, comes over as low-adrenalin boring. You have to mix it up. 

Temper love with grit


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's all about what we used to call in England "stick and carrot".


And Wales !!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MT,
I guess it is a carrot and stick thing - mostly carrot for us. I also try to make sure this isn't turning into a chore for her. 

I almost never ever use any stick like behavior anymore. But I did early in the marriage. As for guilt - the best thing about having someone really love you and really understand you, is that when they do something that hurts you, it truly does hurt them as well. So my wife feels bad if she jerks me around sexually - which is why that event is so very rare. 

Once in a while - middle of the day I will ask her if she finds my needs tiresome. And it is a sincere question and she responds to it accordingly. She says not. I do think she has realized that when both partners are truly in love - 20 years into a marriage - it is an uncommon situation. And I think she gets that having a great physical connection is an integral part of that feeling. 








MarkTwain said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's all about what we used to call in England "stick and carrot". It's a balance between getting the behaviour you want by being loving, versus being firm. There is a place for both behaviours.
> 
> ...


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Have you done anything to spice things up ? 
or have you just given up ? 
If you have just take what you can with out working for more then your relationship will become borring !
have you thought of taking her away for a weekend ? or sending her some underwear asking her to be wearing it when you get home ? you can do loads to improve your chances ,send text messages leave a post it note .

mix things up


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Funnily enough we had a chat this weekend. We discussed her low sex drive and she has said that as shes got older it seems to get less and less. Like I said before she was always like this to a certain extent.

She said she felt really guilty that my needs werent being met and that I had married the wrong girl. I definitely havent because I love her to bits and everything else makes up for it.

Anyway, she said she'd try harder for me but, she said it'd be OK for me to sleep with someone else like a prostitute or go to swinging websites as long as it was just for physical means.

Didnt know what to say !!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> Funnily enough we had a chat this weekend. We discussed her low sex drive and she has said that as shes got older it seems to get less and less. Like I said before she was always like this to a certain extent.


You are so lazy. This is code for "you have not found my hot button". She is on her sexual prime. If you don't find her hot button soon, she will cheat on you.

In fact, I think she is already in the middle of an affair.


> Anyway, she said she'd try harder for me but, she said it'd be OK for me to sleep with someone else like a prostitute or go to swinging websites as long as it was just for physical means


Only a woman who is having an affair would say this.

This is where men like you always get tripped up by their own fallible logic.
The logic goes like this:

1)She obviously has a low libido because she seldom wants sex with me.
2)Therefore she would never cheat.

Wrong! - On both counts.

Think about it, someone who is bashful about sex would not even like to use the word prostitute, unless it's with a face that looks like it's just sucked on a lemon. But here we have her suggesting you go to one. That does not fit the profile. It's like saying - I'm so disinterested in having sex with you, thatg I don't mind if you expose me(or yourself) to STDs.

Clearly what she is hoping, is that someone else will take up the mantle, so that she can stop having sex with you altogether. The only other possibility is that she is turned on at the thought of you going with other women - but that's most unlikely.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You are so lazy. This is code for "you have not found my hot button". She is on her sexual prime. If you don't find her hot button soon, she will cheat on you.
> 
> In fact, I think she is already in the middle of an affair.
> Only a woman who is having an affair would say this.
> ...


LOL. Sorry I dont agree with much of what you've said here...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You are so lazy. This is code for "you have not found my hot button". She is on her sexual prime. If you don't find her hot button soon, she will cheat on you.
> 
> In fact, I think she is already in the middle of an affair.
> Only a woman who is having an affair would say this.
> ...


MT,

Fair enough. Although I dont necessarily agree.

You seem to ignore my point that her sex drive has almost always been like this. Not being funny but she probably wouldnt have married me if I was a big problem...

Are you saying that there is no such thing as low libido and that its always the male partners fault and if he cant satisfy the woman is going to run off with someone else?


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

How young is your son? Could her hormones still be out of whack from her pregnancy? Can something else be bothering her? Is something really stressing her out? Remember sex is very emotional and mental for woman. If other things are bothering us, that will consume us and push sex to last on our list. Do you help with your son? Does she feel overwhelmed? Could there be any resentment?

Just throwing out ideas.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy2 said:


> How young is your son? Could her hormones still be out of whack from her pregnancy? Can something else be bothering her? Is something really stressing her out? Remember sex is very emotional and mental for woman. If other things are bothering us, that will consume us and push sex to last on our list. Do you help with your son? Does she feel overwhelmed? Could there be any resentment?
> 
> Just throwing out ideas.


Son is 6 years old so its a while since being pregnant. 

I still think the low sex drive to begin with is the base from this all though with other contributing factors such as:-

1. We've been through a bad patch about a year or so ago which obviouslt didnt help but we're MUCH better now.

2. Wife has suffered depression for about a year. Also, takes meds which affect sex drive.

3. Wife has also had some sort of virus for a few months now. Been back and fore doctors/hospital for a few months off works etc.

3. I've suffered with depression for about 12 years. Sometimes I guess I'm hard to put up with.

4. She always seems tired. Working part-time and looking after a child seems to wear her out. (Unfortunately, we need the income).

5. Yes, I have put on weight and have become somewhat complacement maybe. THIS IS MY FAULT. Some of you who remember my posts will know about this - I have lost 40lbs in the last year though.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I've been sexually active with my wife for damn near 20 years, and she has ALWAYS had a low sex drive. Back when I was younger and hot(er), to older and wider, good hygein and bad, best of friends or trouble spots. She'll put out for me (almost) any time I want, and she's even into it sometimes, so I've got no complaints. But her sex drive is low. Consider:

1 - I'm pretty sure she never masturbates. 

2 -She may never have had an orgasm. But before you blame THAT one on me, consider I'd had orgasm's numbering in the low 4 digits before I'd ever even had the nerve to TALK to a girl. I'm still running 4-1 solo vs. help from wife over a 20 year period.

Come on low sex-drive girls. Fess-up.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Maybe she just doesn't like sex. With you or anyone. Did you ever consider that?


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

I do believe there has to be something that turns on all women ! working on what makes her tick is the hard part .! its to easy to sit back and moan about not having sex .......real attractive !! and not what women want .
She might have a low sex drive but the more you have sex the more she will want ..so mix things up go back and start putting a little effort into things .. dates ...bubble baths communicate


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

trev said:


> I do believe there has to be something that turns on all women !


So true. Spoken like a true safe cracker 

The more off sex a women appears, the more repressed she is. It takes a huge amount of energy to achieve this. These women often appear to lack energy. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are literally using every ounce of their strength to keep the lid on their sexuality. That means that if and when the right stimulus comes along, the explosion can be tremendous 

Men reading this might think I'm mad. Women may be nodding sagely.


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## BeamMeUp (Sep 24, 2017)

Your statement relies on the fact that there is no possible way that any female cannot have a sex drive.

The fact is that there are women in the world with no sex drive, and this is what you are denying. Instead, you either blame the men or blame the girl for not having one or not trying to have one. This is your flaw.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

The low libido person only has the power you give them. You cant force someone to sleep with you but you can enforce actions that show them they need to reach a compromise with you


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