# Lack of Independence Ruining Marriage?



## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I moved here 2 years ago to be with my then boyfriend (had been together for a year before moving) and a few months later we got engaged and married May 2009 (we had over a year long engagement) and it has basically been nightmare-ish since July. I found out he had been calling a girl he met through facebook and had met her and hung out with her and her kids several times (he lied when I had asked him if he ever met her). He lied several times and I always caught him and I started to become obsessive and always started to assume things, he claimed he has/had no interest in her what so ever, but I felt differently because of the lies. I'm finally starting to get over it and trust him again, but it's been reaallly hard.

Also, since moving here, I haven't made a single friend and have little social life outside of work (where most people are old enough to be my parent, I'm 24) and that is becoming a huge problem and is taking toll on our marriage. He went to school here so he has friends, but feels bad leaving me at home alone to go hangout with them, even though I tell him it's ok. I think if I had more friends here and was more independent, things would start to improve.

He also spent a lot of his life doing things to make other people happy instead of himself and is in the process of changing that habit as well as others, he tells me he wants to live alone, but I think it's because I've become so over bearing and probably difficult to live with....I just don't know what to do any more. He never lived on his own, he lived in his parents' house with his sisters (parents live out of town) while going to school but stayed with me for the most part...

I'm too dependent on him and he is starting to resent that...I dunno...I just need to talk to someone I guess...get their opinion on the situation. I want to make friends, I'm planning on going to school in the fall...I'm scared the marriage will fail but at the same time I'm not doing anything to make it work and I really want it to...I'm just so lost...


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

Lola...this sounds like how my marriage started. I was just like this guy of yours, my ex was just like you. NOT saying we are the same, just meeting at a common ground.

She was WAAAY too needy. She would stay home, would ignore friends and what not. If I was at school (was in college) or did anything independently from her, she would blow up my cell phone.
If I didn't run home, she'd start screaming and crying.

What ended up happening after a few years of this...was I succumbed to her demands of me. I loved her, and she put ideas in my head about how a husband should act. 

Next thing I knew, roles were reversed. She isolated me from friends, my friends stopped calling me because they couldn't stand how overbearing she was. They warned me, I ignored them out of love for her... Her friends started coming back around, and she didn't treat them overbearingly around me. So I adopted her friends.

Fast forward years later, baby was born, I was stay at home dad, and went to school full time (failed a few classes too, don't even know how I did it I was incredibly strong), she was out partying, having affairs, lying to me,miss independent, barely a mother at all. Was very abusive emotionally, started hitting me and I refused to hit back. 

Fast forward to now. I divorced her, got 50% custody. She is 26 now, me 28.


Ok. So what I'm worried about is both of you. Right now...BOTH of your are innocent. You remind me of her when SHE was innocent. 

Can I ask...are you from an abusive home? She was....do you see him like your savior? She did of me... Question your clingyness, and when it is more out of your need for control more than your love for him....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm just like you *lola*. I moved with my H (boyfriend at the time) after we'd dated six months. its been awful. I lost my independence. i found jobs here and there but i have yet to make friends. its really hard making friends when you move to a new place. 

i was extremely needy, too. took a toll on my H and on me. I did some boundary books and workbooks which has helped my H and I a lot. 

and im still struggling with it. im still not independent and im still trying to make some friends. i moved to a new state again so i feel like im starting over again. 

Hang in there. im slowly finding my way again. its taken me three or four years but its getting better slowly.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Thanks for the replies.

I'm not super needy, I don't call him at all during the day, we txt a bit but I can get through work without talking to him. I just see my life as ending if he doesn't want to be married anymore...I know that sounds so stupid, but that is truly how I feel. I never get mad when he hangs out with friends, I encourage him to because I know he didn't have friends growing up he just feels bad leaving me at home alone...I hate being blamed for him not hanging out with his friends.

I wasn't abused in any shape or form growing up, I had a stable household with parents that loved and supported me. He on the other hand had a "work" dad who was always too busy working and had high expectations so my husband always did things to make his dad happy and not himself.

I just feel like if he didn't hide and lie about that friendship with that woman, I wouldn't have turned in to such a monster. I don't want to control him and I don't feel that I do...I think I just need friends.

I just want to stop caring about everything.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

First of all, if he wasn't doing anything wrong, he wouldn't have been hiding it and lying to you. You had every right to be mad and loose trust. 

Why can't you go with him when he's hanging out with friends? Aren't you invited? I think things would be different if you had friends of your own. Everyone needs their space.

Maybe you two need to make friends with a couple that you both enjoy hanging out with. It's really hard when your spouse has a social life and you don't.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Lola my advice to you would be to start doing things that you enjoy without him. Do you have any particular hobbies or interests that you like to do that you can do on your own? Or even join some club/group where you can meet new people....

Putting aside the contact that he made with this other girl (even if that didnt happen) you would still be in a similar situation. There is something very attractive about a person in a relationship that still has their independence. So even though you dont tell him not to go and dont call him etc he will still feel guilty regardless and he will start to resent you.
Do yourself a favour and srart figuring out ways to make yourself happy - meet new people, do things you enjoy etc. And you will see that things will become easier.
In relation to the other girl - the fact that he hid it from you does say something and it is not something you should ignore, but first off I think you need to get your independence and confidence and then approach him.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. I know I need to start making my own friends and doing my own things, which I've started to do...I'm not really sure what I'm good at, so I'm going to try a whole bunch of different things until I figure it out. I know I'm not artistic, but I like it...so I'll just do it anyways, even if it looks like crap!

I've already confronted him about this OW and I also understand she is someone to talk to, that doesn't judge him...like his family and he can't talk to me about everything...but it's turned into a mess. Either way, I need to get myself together and forget her and if he wanted to be with her, he would be by now. He also knew I didn't really enjoy them talking, so he hid it so I wouldn't know and make me mad and disappointment me, but that blew up in his face even worse.

He also wants me to make friends and feel less dependent on him and is very supportive...but he's also so unhappy and doesn't even know why anymore and can't even think of anything that will make him happy. He's also been out of a job for about a year (he worked a bit in the summer but hated the job and quit) and I know this is really taking a toll on him. Going to interviews and not getting a job can kill anyone's self esteem.

We also don't know any couples that aren't related to us (brothers/sisters and in-laws) and all his friends are single guys. I'm not invited when he goes out and I wouldn't go anyways because I know he needs his own space and to hangout with friends.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He's been unemployed for a year? That explains a lot right there. Look at some websites, etc., about the emotional impact of unemployment and job loss A.S.A.P.

He seems to be feeling bad b/c he can't "take care of you." He doesn't have a job and he can't give you a social life. While both are unrealistic expectations he has of himself (YOU can create your own social life and YOU can take care of yourself), he's feeling like a failure. If you are home alone, it's somehow his fault. Not rational, but probably a continuation of his habit of taking care of others. 

So, talk with him about this and encourage him to get counseling (churches and other low-cost counseling is available) about his "need" to take care of others. He will be so much happier if he realizes he does not HAVE to take care of you, that you are with him because you WANT to be, not b/c of what he does for you. 

And take care of yourself in all ways. Sounds like you are trying, so keep it up. 

BTW, if his feelings about the other woman had been completely innocent, he would not have assumed you'd dislike it. The secrecy is the proof that it was not "just friends" and he should explore with a therapist why he felt he couldn't talk to you, and you guys should talk about it, too. Although we all need friends and conversations about different things with them, a spouse is the person with whom we should be sharing our marital and personal issues. These conversations build intimacy and should not be had with people other than one's spouse-not only b/c it starts intimacy building btw two people who aren't married to each other, but it also removes a chance for the h&w to build intimacy with each other.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I do know he feels like a failure and I also think that so many things would turn around once he got that career (things were perfect while he was in school and working summers). I am trying to be more independent so he doesn't feel the need to look after me, but I think that is apart of who he is and he cares so much about what other people think of him (which is something he is trying to change).

We went to a psychologist once and my husband didn't really feel comfortable with the guy, my husband felt that he down played a lot of the issues (even though it was the first visit and the psychologist was gathering info). My employer actually has a setup with a different company for 12 free 1 hour sessions and I asked him if he wanted to try again and he said no...

My husband also knew that I didn't like them talking because I told him that it bothered me (they started talking a few months before we got married because he was jobless and sat at home all day and she's a stay at home mom who just left her abusive alcoholic husband). He's also going through this phase of rebelling against people that try and tell him what to do because that's all he has done his entire life...so it's almost like he's doing it out of spite, not healthy...I know.

I wish something would just snap in his mind and he would finally get it.


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