# Waw talking about R. Would like opinions.



## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

Hello again everybody. Haven't posted in awhile, since my last thread died out. (Wife left me, need advice)

Since then I have done full 180, no contact unless about child. Continued working, hanging out with friends and family, divorce going through still, and have been doing shared parenting 50/50 (she agreed to court counsellor). Things have been going "alright".

She has rented a house with OM. She would text me random "I miss you" type messages for quite some time then they stopped about 2 weeks ago. I wouldn't respond to them.

So yesterday we both attended a function for our child, first time we've been around each other for more than 2 minutes in quite some time. I took child home, and waw tried calling a few times during day which I ignored. When she called to tell child goodnight, she said she needed to drop some toys off. She came and asked to talk for a minute so I did. Minute turned into an hour of her tearing up and saying how she isn't happy and wants to R but doesn't know how.

We talked a bit more, I never cried or said I wanted to R, just listened and conversated lightly. When she was "about to leave" she hugged me and repeatedly tried kissing me while I said no (it happened like that 1 month ago, and she left me feeling like sh*t). She got me to anyways and it just kinda happened. Had sex, talked for a minute, she continuously said she loves me, and we had sex again.

She "tells" me that her and OM aren't serious like that, tells me that she misses me everyday and that she fears she will never find anybody like me. 

She also says (back then as well) that she left me because I showed her no love, no appreciation. Which I do agree with, even tjough I never stopped loving her, I stopped showing it (did the opposite) for quite some time.

Problems:
Still lives with OM (says she doesn't love him and wants me)
Parents/family/friends who have stood by me the whole time.
She now has a new car payment (lease), plus a credit card with 700 for couches.
Not knowing if it will happen again.

While it did put it back in my head, I don't believe I have backslid too much. I have came along way in 11 weeks, walls feeling pretty sturdy. 

Thanks for taking the time to read, I'm at work and will read tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

If you are considering this, write out a list of boundaries, expectations, and deal breakers. Kind of a Pro/Con list. 

If she can adhere to the the boundaries and expectations, well, giving it a shot would be up to you.

Question is, do you really want to reconcile with her?


----------



## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

She wants OM and you both? Her words are not proven by her actions, are they?


----------



## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

She says she doesn't care for OM, yet they rented a house. She came to my house when I got out if work trying to "talk" but I already had plans. I told her she needed to figure out what she wanted and express it to me. 

I'm not sure how to proceed, I don't want to let her move back in right away, and I see her excuse if I don't that she can't go anywhere else.

I'm just kinda numb, I love her, but at the same time I've been drowning emotion and working to live without anybody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ok, its been a month, a short amount of time really on the 180. Have you realized yet everything you wrote said nothing other than excuses, blame deflection and didn’t do anything to address the problems. 

I will ask you the simple question, when she got done trying to kiss you and doing this “heartfelt” I love you talk, where did she go? Back to a house with him. The nowhere to go excuse is just that. 

She expressed an interest in trying to R and claims she doesn’t know how? If she cant figure out on her own she needs to leave the other man first by herself why is she asking you?


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Not to be a jerk, but look at it from our viewpoint...

I love you honey...got to go now, back into the arms of OM.

I don't know her, but it doesn't seem like a complex issue for her to figure out. If she loves you she would leave him and be back with you. 

So she leaves you for him, then she says she wants back but doesn't know how. And she's now cheating on him with you.

Are you sure you want R with her?


----------



## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

Just got off the phone with her.in short it went "how can u love me yet live with him, and if u love him how can u F me" no answer, I told her I'm going back to no contact. 

I already knew deep down, just don't understand. 

Thanks for the replies, more are not only welcomed but appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Well, she doesn't move back because UpSDwn has not given her a green light. Her preferred version would probably be that he would volunteer to help her move out while the OM was at work or something. His preference might be for her to have all her shxt on the porch, waiting for him to come home and let her in.

If she is saying that she want USDwn, she is not being ambiguous. She is throwing sex at him. The question is still can or does he want her back?

The must co parent and that always make R attractive.


----------



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I think that if she is still with the OM and wants to reconcile, she would have to be alone by herself first to find her real feelings and dont hurt you more. 

Then you could talk about R, but now? It doesnt seem like she really knows what she wants or she would have walked away from the OM the minute she realized she really wants R.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

So now she's cheating on OM?!?!

You should just look at what's coming out if her mouth...lies. 

Can you just imagine the work YOU would have to do to keep her in your boundaries. 

All it takes is one text/phone from OM and she could go down that slippery slope. And with the knowledge she has to go underground I believe you are in for a sad outcome. 

Just think how free you are from all the drama when you divorce.

Oh to add: are you having unprotected sex with her??

The sex with you was just a ploy to cloud your thinking. Women are not stupid, they know how to get to a guy. Spread the legs and you're like butter in their hands. Be smarter than her. Tell her you will have her over for protected sex then after she has to leave. No emotion, just sex. Please do that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

If she wants to R why is she living with the OM? Is she that financially dependant? 
She needs to prove to you she wants you and only you. 
She needs to get an apt on her own. 
Go to MC and IC. 
I'd wait for six months minimum if I were you. 

If it was me I wouldn't R with her. I'd be done. Sorry to say that but the living with the OM would break it for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

This ^^^^ I agree. She goes from his bed 1 nite back to yours the next nite ?? Eeeeewwwww !!!!


----------



## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Did you use protection? And even if you did for the (assuming) vaginal sex, was there any other form of sex involved? I don't need the answer to that, but my point in asking is for you to take into consideration for yourself whether or not you need to get tested for STDs. 

I understand how easy it is to get caught up in a moment... especially when it involves something your heart wants. Having sex with her in that moment sent the wrong message, in my opinion. You basically validated to her that she can have you even under present circumstances. She knows she can have you even while living with OM. Where's her motivation to change?


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

OP, don't kick yourself in the junk over it. Move on. If she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't be shacked up with the other doosh. 

Actions. Not words.


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

SoVeryLost said:


> I understand how easy it is to get caught up in a moment... especially when it involves something your heart wants. Having sex with her in that moment sent the wrong message, in my opinion. You basically validated to her that she can have you even under present circumstances. She knows she can have you even while living with OM. Where's her motivation to change?


Exactly-there is no motivation to change at all.
She is doing what she wants-both of you.
Stop having sex with her....for god sake


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I would ask her how it feels to compare two different men in bed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> I would ask her how it feels to compare two different men in bed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would not ask her that; that's setting yourself up for an answer you might not like.

Instead I would expose her behavior to family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, and then have no contact with her. Give her what she wants-him. Love her so much by just letting go. 

I'd initiate divorce proceedings too (if you haven't already). Probably won't shake her out of the fog but you know she's not currently thinking right; judging by her actions I wouldn't rely on her being nice to you when this turns sour and it sounds like it will soon. The heart turns quick. Get what's yours and get out. Strike first.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Divorce her

*You are in no condition to know what you want and she certainly is not either. What you do know is that you were replaced by another man at her choosing*


If she really is remorseful and wants you then she will prove to you for a year or two that she will forsake all others for you. If she does that you will be able to make a much better decision as to your future relationship with her. Also that year will help you to NOT compromise because you feel some guilt for your actions with her when you two were together.


*Emotions and talk are cheap but long term actions are what tell the truth.* If she makes it look good to you and her and your emotions take over for a few months that is not enough. Even an alcoholic can stop for a few months to get what he wants. She has proven that she will betray you now she must prove LONG TERM that she is truly remorseful. Then you can decide with a sound mind and emotions if you want her or not.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Hmmm...LongWalk has a point. She is very clear that she wants you back. Where would she go if she moved out of the OM's place? Does she have the means to have her own place or friends to stay with?

Why not lay down some conditions for working toward reconciliation like, moving out of the OM's place and having no contact whatsoever with him. Also marriage counseling, immediately.

If you want her back, you are going to have to give her an option but ones that give you dignity as well. 

If not, then keep the divorce going and just move on with your life.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stop having sex with her. This is NOT the woman you were looking for. You are plan B. She is controlling you. You are letting her F with your head.

Oh and stop having sex with her. 

Seriously ... get checked for STDs before having sex with anyone else.

Do not put yourself alone with her any more. Stop having sex with her. Let her go. This is not the 180.

She left you for another man. Her having seconds thoughts does not change this at all. She is no longer your problem.


----------



## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

Sorry for the long delay since my post. She told me that she told the OM she was going to stay with her mom while she figured things out with me. She did, up until Sunday, now she's saying she doesn't know how to leave him and hurt his feelings. Bunch of bs, everybody here was right, she just trick f'd me again. I told her last night to no longer call or message unless it's about our child. I'm good enough to not be her second choice. I would have loved to have a good life with her, just not in my cards I guess. 
When I told her that, she responded with. "I'm sorry, no matter what happens I love u and always will".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You mean that she took a couple of days to think it over and decided that hurting you was easier than hurting OM?

Your response was the only rational one. Stop giving her any affirmation.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

We're sorry you're going through this; know that you are not alone. 

You heard what she's said and you've seen what she's done. These are not the words and actions of a woman in love with you. 

Please do yourself a favor and cut all ties with her ASAP. Financial, emotional, legal, etc. Use her fog to YOUR advantage. Often when they discover that you're not buying their gas lighting and cake eating BS anymore they get nasty--quick--to ease their guilty mind. 

Use the fog and get what's yours now before she gets mad, entitled, and lawyers up. Today she's saying she'll always love you, tomorrow she'll be blaming you for her affair. 

You'll do better emotionally divorcing her, not the other way around.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

so she would rather hurt you than him.

It hurts, but in the long run, you need her out of your life.

She loves having two men to love her.

You are not second best.

He is cheating with her and he and she will continue to cheat on each other.

start back up the 180.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

turnedupsidedown said:


> Sorry for the long delay since my post. She told me that she told the OM she was going to stay with her mom while she figured things out with me. She did, up until Sunday, now she's saying she doesn't know how to leave him and hurt his feelings. Bunch of bs, everybody here was right, she just trick f'd me again. I told her last night to no longer call or message unless it's about our child. I'm good enough to not be her second choice. I would have loved to have a good life with her, just not in my cards I guess.
> When I told her that, she responded with. "I'm sorry, no matter what happens I love u and always will".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you, but she'll be around for sex soon. 

So treat it like I told you. No emotion, no connection. Just hard pounding sex...with a condom. 


Hey, if you like having sex with her turn it around and you be in control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Jerry may have the right idea. Pound her but don't let her stay over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

have a no strings attached relationship. 
a man needs pleasure. why not. 

just dont give her hope and cut down on your emotions. like stated above. 

it will be like a job you dont want. work and get paid. 
treat it as that. just make sure not to do stuff that might get you stds. 

wear protection and be safe.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

And when you finish, slap her butt and laugh. Tell her not to tell the OM about you because you don't want to hurt his feelings.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Gentlemen, with all due respect......

Turnedupsidedown, it's pretty clear that you are not in control of your emotions with respect to this woman. Suggestions that you treat her like a piece of ass and have meaningless sex with her are nice and good, and if you do it you will lose SOOOOO much ground mentally and emotionally.

The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference.

You ain't there yet, and having sex with her at a time and place of her choosing isn't going to get you any closer.

Put all your effort into not feeling ANYTHING towards her. Minimize all contact with her if you can't cut it off completely.

Focus on being the most awesome version of YOU that you can achieve, and then share it with other women, when they cross your path in the future.


----------



## turnedupsidedown (Mar 10, 2014)

While the sex without emotion responses would be great, I agree with nly. I thought she may be tricking me this time, but thought that even if she was the sex would be nice and I wouldn't backslide. I was wrong.

The sex was great, and I realized I didn't put it in my last post, but she also came over Friday night. (2 days later) and stayed the night. Sex at night and once in morning.

I've been trying to figure it out. **i know that I cant***. But I wonder why she did this. He doesn't have more money than me.. He doesn't have more backbone than me. We have a child together. What's left? Sex, yet she comes acting like she wants to get back with me and readily takes me.

She's texted me twice today, both ignored. She called to tell child goodnight and I let child answer/hang up. Going to continue. She can learn the hard way, and hopefully one day I'll meet somebody that I enjoy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

well, she might be wanting more attention. having two guys that dont care about each other or that there's someone else, gives her the choice to choose where to sleep. 

guy a or guy b. 

i would say at this point. get away and do no contact. better keep your distance and avoid it. if you keep jumping in the sack with her, while you know there's the om, then you are pretty much saying it's ok. 

saying she doesnt want to hurt his feelings is like her saying, i'm not sure i'm done with him. she wasnt worried about your feelings. 

take as much time as you need away from her. keep track on what days you had sex with her, so she can not end up saying she's pregnant. or something like that t trap you. 

there's plenty of women out there and you will find what's meant for you. someone who deserves your attention.


----------

