# I need a strength to leave my marriage



## Nanian (Jul 2, 2010)

I grew in a culture and in a family where divorce is not an acceptable solution. And a marriage meant a lifetime commitment.

My parents were married until one of their death and there is not a single divorce in my large extended family.

I had seen how hard marriage was as I was growing up and how much sacrifice it took to stay married for a lifetime.

My parents were soul mates who dated for 8yrs before they married (after their educations were completed) and they were truly partners in life.

I idealized their marriage and was very hesitant to get married, knowing how serious marriage is. 

Finally, I married to a man who was already twice divorced. I was 45yrs old when I married for the first time to this man.

We have been married for 4years and have been together for 5 ½ years total. We do not have any children within or outside of our marriage.

I realized that he is self-destructive and is a wrecking ball to others around him. He started taking antidepressant meds few years ago. 

After ignoring my pleads to go through intensive therapy treatment, he finally started therapy session this week because he again almost destroyed his career with his reckless rants that others and I warned him about. This time, he even dragged my reputation into his mud. So, this was a lesson for him and he is going to therapy sessions.

His parents have been co-dependent on dramas and dysfunctions. They are absolutely no-help what so ever. In fact, his mother has been a negative force in getting him into psychotherapy. She does not think that therapy is a good solution because according to her, people just find out baseless child abuse incidents from their childhood. – I really think that she is afraid to find out that she was not a good parent and that she may actually had abused him.

Anyway, I had a blow up argument with his parents about meddling in my initiation to getting him into therapy (On this Christmas day). With almost getting fire from his job (yet again in his life), my husband decided to listen to me this time around and he is getting help.

However, I am absolutely exhausted and I just do not love him anymore. He became more of a child to me now than a life partner. He is already 6years younger than I am and with his emotional problems, I feel like his mother and not like his wife.

I want out of this marriage before I waste more of my life with this wrecking ball.
I need to gather up my strength to start a divorce process and to move out of this place.

Please give me any advice /wisdom that you can spare. 

How can I break everything that I believe in about marriage and commitment? How do I walk out? How do I start over? How do I not feel like an absolute loser? How do I let my dreams of this relationship die? How do you do it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume you live in the USA. Is this right?


Nanian said:


> How can I break everything that I believe in about marriage and commitment?


Marriage is a commitment between two adults who love and support each other. Your husband is not your partner. He is your dependent. As you put it, you feel like his mother. This is not what marriage is. 


Nanian said:


> How do I not feel like an absolute loser?


Apparently your husband is not capable of holding up his end of the marriage. You should not feel bad for his failings. If anyone in your extended family looks down on you for leaving a marriage in which you really do not have a husband, then they don’t really care about you, do they?


Nanian said:


> How do I walk out?





Nanian said:


> How do you do it


You need a plan. Start laying your plan and the right moment to do this will come about. The Plan is: 
1) See an attorney to find out your rights, financial issues, etc.
2) Get a job if you do not have one.
3) Talk to the relatives and friends who you trust the most to get their support.
4) Get some place to live… Who would move out of your current home? You or your husband? Do you own it jointly? Could he go live with his parents? Or does he have another relative or friend he could stay with?



Nanian said:


> How do I start over?


One day at a time. Do you work outside of the home right now? Seek the support of the friends and family who will give you support.


Nanian said:


> How do I let my dreams of this relationship die?


Again, one day at a time.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nanian, I suggest you read _Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. Released last July, this book is by the same author (Randi Kreger) who wrote the #1 best selling book on BPD -- _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.


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## Nanian (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi EleGirl,


> I assume you live in the USA. Is this right?


Yes, I live in USA and I grew up here. But as you know, we have many subcultures.



> Get a job if you do not have one.


I am back at grad school fulltime and will be in grad school for another 2 more years. It is a very intensive program and I am changing my career from a different field.
I have my own business but my main focus right now is to finish my program.



> 3) Talk to the relatives and friends who you trust the most to get their support.


I can not talk to my relative about this because they do not believe that a divoce is the answer to most of marital problems. My friends want me to give him another chance since he has just started his therapy and he is trying very hard. He is not a bad guy and he does love me very much. He really wants to keep this marriage. In his past marriages, he was the one who walked out. He was young when he married to his first wife and it only lasted 50weeks. His second wife had an addiction and it last 4years.



> 4) Get some place to live… Who would move out of your current home?


I am living at his home that he had owned for 10years before we married so I have to move out. However, I have my own home in another city about 2hours away. I have a tenant living there. With my current schooling, I can not move back to my own home and I will have to rent. 

We had a wonderful New Years Eve celebration and he even danced with me for the first time. (several times)
It is difficult.

How do you know that this is "THE RIGHT TIME" and "THE POINT OF NO-RETURN" to leave a marriage?


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## Nanian (Jul 2, 2010)

Uptown said:


> Nanian, I suggest you read _Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. Released last July, this book is by the same author (Randi Kreger) who wrote the #1 best selling book on BPD -- _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.


Thanks Uptown,
I will check out the book.


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