# Survey for couples married 25 years or more!



## jessesaur (May 5, 2009)

Hi, I am doing a project for a college class about long lasting marriages and decided to conduct a survey of couples married 25 or more years. I was finding that they are more rare than I thought, so now I am asking around on internet forums. If you could take a few minutes to anwser the questions, I would be really grateful! You can email me at [email protected] is privacy is an issue. Thanks! 

How long did you know each other before you got married? 

What topics cause most problems? 

What issues are hardest to compromise? 

How do you make decisions? 

How do you resolve conflicts? 

How are responsibilities divided? 

How have your communication skills improved over time? 

How important is it to share interests and beliefs? 

What are the strengths of your marriage? 

Anything else you would like to add?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

jessesaur said:


> Hi, I am doing a project for a college class about long lasting marriages and decided to conduct a survey of couples married 25 or more years. I was finding that they are more rare than I thought, so now I am asking around on internet forums. If you could take a few minutes to anwser the questions, I would be really grateful! You can email me at [email protected] is privacy is an issue. Thanks!
> 
> How long did you know each other before you got married?
> 5 years
> ...


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

How long did you know each other before you got married? 
 14 months

What topics cause most problems? 
 Parenting, use of money, sharing personal issues with people outside our marriage

What issues are *(were)* hardest to compromise? 
 Parenting ... they're raised now

How do you make decisions? Talk

How do you resolve conflicts?  Early in marriage was always a power struggle, where we'd fight it out (argue, yell) until one of us yielded.

It's not until you can get past the power struggles that you can really resolve anything. A great deal of getting past it is trust. Once you learn to really trust each other you stop feeling so much like you have to defend your own turf. Until then there always ends up being a winner and a loser which is a guaranteed way for resentments to build up between you. 

Now, we've got so much experience together it's like we know intuitively when something is wrong, and will start asking the other questions with the goal of understanding and coming to an agreement or a compromise.

How are responsibilities divided? Great question!

Pretty typical to the times we grew up in, except since our kids all became school age she's worked outside the home, not always but usually. But for the most part traditional roles. I was the provider and protector and she was the nurturer. I was more involved with work, she was more involved with the kids. She did most of the work inside the house, I did most of the work outside the house.

Now it's pretty much like that except I do more inside than I used to. The boys are no longer home to take out the trash, help with the dishes, etc. so I do. I also wash my own clothes and do my own ironing. And just different things as needed as you see them. She does the same. We really enjoy doing things for each other that the other wasn't expecting. It's always a nice surprise.

How have your communication skills improved over time?
 Like night and day. For several years it seemed like all we did was fight over everything and stay mad at each other. The big issues being over parenting and money.

One of the first things that helped our communication was learning how differently the genders think. Once you learn that men think one way and women another then you come to understand the other isn't opposing you because they think you're bad or your ideas are no good - it's that they're coming at it from a completely different way of looking at the world. Once you know that, and you understand that it's universal you can stop taking things so personal. That's when real progress can begin.

Along the same lines we learned about differences in personality styles, and how that effects choices people are most likely to make - and why. These may sound like simple things but they're huge issues. Once you start to realize why you are so different from each other and how the other thinks you can start to see things from their point of view. If your goal is to work things out these are tremendous tools to help you accept each others differences and come to an agreement more often.

The biggest growth in our communication happened when we stopped trying to change each other (because of our differences) and started trying to understand each others reasoning during a conflict. 


How important is it to share interests and beliefs? This is huge. In fact, it's the glue that held us together during the first 10 years or so of our marriage (we were slow learners).

Our shared beliefs in the areas of religion and politics, and our shared interests in raising our children held us together through some very tough times.

What are the strengths of your marriage? We give each other a lot of space. By that I mean we've gotten to know each other so well we usually know how the other thinks, and we've accepted the fact we think differently about so many things. But the key is we accept it. It doesn't mean one of us is right or wrong - it means we're different, and it's ok. That means we don't feel a need to make the other change how they think. Our need instead is to find the common ground or the ground that will keep the peace between us.

Accepting our differences as being ok and choosing the best alternatives given our differences has been huge. 

Anything else you would like to add? 
 Yes. A persons beliefs about marriage and family will determine what they will do when under pressure. Marriage takes a commitment. I don't see any way for it to work otherwise, unless one is ok with always yielding their rights (sounds like a doormat to me - unless done by choice with no ill will), or, they're committed to marriage as an institution to the point they're willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

In our marriage we went through times we were furious with each other, times we contemplated divorce or separation, times of ignoring each other, times of doing things to spite the other, you name it. But neither of us - because of our religious beliefs believed in divorce.

But even with all that being said I know I have always loved my wife. Even when I was so frustrated at how she did things and by our inability to find common ground - even then - I've always loved her. She has qualities that attracted me to her and which I admire to this day. She is probably the most beautiful person I've ever known.

I believe those two principles - commitment to marriage and true love for the other, saved us until things got better.

By the way, for anyone who thinks it isn't worth it, and is about ready to give up, all I can say is the rewards of getting through the tough times are worth it. You become a more mature person yourself, and easier to live with. And the closeness that comes from really knowing and accepting another person, and that person really knowing and accepting you - well, you have to experience it to believe it. I'll just say that nothing compares.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

ZOMBIE THREAD from 4 years ago...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

But a nice post from Vrs


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