# Opinions/Advice needed



## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

I have been married for 7 years. I have 2 daughters, ages 3 and 5. My wife has some serious emoitional/psychological problems. I was aware she wasn't perfect when we got married but had no idea the extent of her troubles.
She has issues with overspending, depression, anxiety, lying, etc. She has never really committed to the family in a way which I would have expected.
She often spends entire days/weeks in bed while she is supposed to be taking care of the kids and the house. I work full time, have a side business, and she is a stay at home mom.
I always have felt like she would really rather be single with fewer responsibilities, as she appears to have no interest in doing what she should for our family. In addition to my job(s), I also do the majority of the household chores. As soon as I get off work, watching the kids is also immediately my job.
She has put us into debt many times during our marriage and I have tried to keep us out. Right now we are big in debt and she is still trying to think of ways to spend money.
She has just up and left us a few times because she just couldnt take it here. My kids seem to realize whats going on and my oldest is scared all the time that "mommy is going to leave".
I have found evidence that she has at least considered infidelity and has made some moves in that direction. (ie talking to ex's and planning meetings with them). She just recently walked out on us for 2 days and told no one where she was going. 
Everything she says is lies and I do not trust one word she says anymore, where I used to completely trust her in all areas. I have committed to going to therapy with her and tried lots of other things, but they always seem to get dropped by her very soon. The therapist recommended that she continue sessions, but she cant stick with it. I do not know what else I can do to save my marriage when she will not commit to change in anything other than fleeting words.
If I had no kids, this would be a no-brainer, but the fact that I do, makes this a very complicated decision. Is it worse to stay together on the kids or try to get out and limit their exposure to her? My children love her dearly and I have no intention of cutting ties or preventing visitation should we separate. I want to fix things, but I am losing faith this can ever work. Please HELP!


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

I can understand how you feel right now since I am experiencing right now. I am not really good at giving the advice but I think you should do what you think the best. 

It takes two people to make the marriage works. If your wife does not put an effort in fixing it then I don't think you should. I know it sounds hard, but I don;t think it will work if you are the only one who is working on it. 

If you do decide to get divorce, I think you should not prevent her to see your children. No matter how bad it is, she is still the mother.

I wish you good luck.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

feylovelyheart said:


> I can understand how you feel right now since I am experiencing right now. I am not really good at giving the advice but I think you should do what you think the best.
> 
> It takes two people to make the marriage works. If your wife does not put an effort in fixing it then I don't think you should. I know it sounds hard, but I don;t think it will work if you are the only one who is working on it.
> 
> ...


What I would love more than anything is for my wife to be healthy and happy and we stay married forever. I keep hoping one day she will wake up and decide life is worth living and we (her family) are worth the work.
I do still love her very much, but have a problem with showing it or "adoring" her due to the resentment of her behaviors.
And as I stated above, I would not dream of hurting her or my children by trying to prevent them from seeing each other.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi All,
Does anyone have an opinion on this? I am just looking for some input from someone that has been through something similar. Is it possible to work things out, or is it a lost cause?
Please help!


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As much as my wife neglects me romantically, she's at least a fully dedicated mom. Are your wife's parents near you? Can you reach out to them out of concern for her well-being? It sounds like she's severely depressed.

I think you should find a counselor today, don't wait, to talk to about this. I really don't know what to say to help you, but I think I counselor could help. I'm sure this has been reallly tough on you and the kids. Keep your head up and take care of your kids. Can you reason with her at all? Tell her the impact her actions are having on your kids. It sounds like she wants to be single and free again.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

HoopsFan said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As much as my wife neglects me romantically, she's at least a fully dedicated mom. Are your wife's parents near you? Can you reach out to them out of concern for her well-being? It sounds like she's severely depressed.
> 
> I think you should find a counselor today, don't wait, to talk to about this. I really don't know what to say to help you, but I think I counselor could help. I'm sure this has been reallly tough on you and the kids. Keep your head up and take care of your kids. Can you reason with her at all? Tell her the impact her actions are having on your kids. It sounds like she wants to be single and free again.


She is very difficult to reason with most of the time. She has a poor relationship with her father who is sort of close by. Her mother is quite a ways away, but she does get along with her. Although, her mother has a LOT of (very similar) problems of her own. Undoubtedly where my wife learned the bad habits she has.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Your situation sounds terrible. Also sounds like there may be some mental health issues involved. Either that or extreme selfishness. Do you have indications which it is?

That aside, have you considered being strong & direct with her?

Here's what I'm thinking...

Make a list of 'dealbreakers' you're being asked to live with - think this through thoroughly. Then choose the one most difficult for you and discuss it with her in a calm, cool rational tone (don't let bitterness or resentment enter or she will stop listening). Describe your pain and that of your childrens' and ask her to help you find a solution to the problem - something she (and you) can work on. Let this conversation continue for a few days as creative solutions show themselves. And offer encouragement for any growth you observe.

If she refuses to even discuss this with you, you have your answer. And, I think the kids would be better off in a home that offers security, warmth and love - even if that home is run by only one parent.

Be clear that the behavior is simply unacceptable and that you & your kids should not be expected to live that way - and won't.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

Janie said:


> Your situation sounds terrible. Also sounds like there may be some mental health issues involved. Either that or extreme selfishness. Do you have indications which it is?
> 
> That aside, have you considered being strong & direct with her?
> 
> ...


In response to your question above. I blieve that there is a great degree of selfishness and a moderate level of psychological problems as well.
Unfortunately, I also believe that she is already looking at me like Im her ex and the end is drawing very near.
We have a therapy session soon. I believe this is where Ill will find my answer.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My advice is going to be different. I believe your wife is having "soul" issues. There are no drugs to solve them. I know this view is contradictory in our society. But, I have dealt with the problem on a personal level. And after finding a great therapist several years ago, I have gained much knowledge and understanding in the area.

Are you and your wife currently involved with a church? That seems to work for some people. Yet, others follow a different path. There is a balancing act involved between religion and spirituality. From my experience, once I found that balance, life just fell into place.

My life has been in turmoil for the past five years. Some of the events have been devastating. But, honestly, I've never been so much at peace as I am now. That's because I have so many tools at my disposal. In essence I have learned to "be in this world but not of this world". Before I learned to cope as I do now, I would react to simple things much as your wife does. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. Simple things in life could be overwhelming. Now I look forward to each day....to see what new puzzle pieces the Universe will give me for the life puzzle.

A great therapist can go a long way. I found reading books from the "New Age" section to be most useful initially. There are also some helpful books in the traditional religion section which I found helpful also. Some of my favorites are _The Noticer_ by Andy Andrews, _Hearts Desire_ by Sonia Choqutte, _The Magnificent Obsession_ by Anne Lotz, and _Sacred Contracts_ by Caroline Myss.

Hope you find a way to open your wife's eyes to the blessings she is missing out on.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

Well, I am still going through this disaster...My wife and I went to see our therapist today. My wifes entire intention seemed to be to list out all of the problems she sees I am the focus of. My intention was to basically find out why we were there and what she hoped to gain from it (ie. where do you want to go from here?) I told her and the therapist that nothing had happened that I thought I couldnt get over if we BOTH made a REAL commitment to change things, and that I was willing to work on this to fix it if she was. We have been here before in much worse circumstances and I stated the same then. The problem is getting a commitment from her. Everything is all one-sided in her head. She fails to see that me not trusting her came from her lying to me and sneaking around. Therefore, thats not all my fault. (thats just one example). Anyhow, she couldnt say whether or not she wants to split or repair. So, Im still in a holding pattern with where we stand.
I have decided that fixing our problems would be the best for our kids, I do love my wife, and do not want to be the one to "file the papers" and destroy our family.
I have my doubts that she will be able to make a decision and stick to it.
what a nightmare! This is tearing me apart and I really wish we could either start fixing or start leaving.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think the only this will improve is if your wife sees that you have a back bone. I think she is taking advantage of you.

If she is a stay at home mom, let her do the majority of those duties. If she is overspending, take away her access to money (credit cards, joint accounts, etc.). 

Tell your wife that you are ready to leave the marriage if things are going to stay the way they are. Give her a time table to improve and make it clear to her that you are serious about breaking up the marriage if that is what has to happen.

She may have to actually see what life would be like without you in order to put in a dedicated effort.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think the only this will improve is if your wife sees that you have a back bone. I think she is taking advantage of you.
> 
> If she is a stay at home mom, let her do the majority of those duties. If she is overspending, take away her access to money (credit cards, joint accounts, etc.).
> 
> ...


I hear ya, and Ive tried that too. When I let the household chores slide, it makes no diff to her, she'll let the place turn into a dumpster, and then its just more for me to do when I realize she never will. On the rare occasions that I have been so sick Im in bed, all the chores just wait until Im able to do them again.
We already have separate accounts, but her debt she runs on her CC is my debt as we are married and she has no job.
I have tried hard-ball approach and gotten nowhere. I dont have the strength to fight about all this stuff anymore. She is definitely taking advantage of me.
I realize that I sound like a shmuck. I have resigned to be one in the best interest of my kids. But we are at a point where something has to change for the kids best interest.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

It sounds like you have tried everything and now need to act. You aren't doing the kids any good staying in a relationship like this.

I would put together a Separation Agreement. Present it to her and come to an agreement on custody, etc. Then move out.

Either she comes around and decides the marriage is worth working at or she is content with you leaving. You need to know the answer to this and I think the only way you will get this answer is to act.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife and I are in a state of limbo. She knows what direction I want to take, but can't "decide" what she wants to do. Thats a problem in my eyes at this point. If she is "weighing options" still, thats not positive to me.
I think at this point it has to be " I love my husband and my family more than anything else, and I'll do whatever it takes to work through this". ANything short of that is not good enough and a complete waste of time.
Should I be expecting this sort of response, or does anyone believe anything short of that will result in positive results should we try to mend things? Please keep in mind that we have been here before, Ive stuck by her, and she has half-heartedly worked on things and quickly turns to not working at all.
When we discuss any aspect of our relationship, she just wants to blame me for everything and takes no responsibilty for anything. I'm the cause of all of her unhappiness in her eyes. I am starting to think that when someone has mental issues as deep as this, it may not be fixable, and definitely not fixable if they are not 110% committed to it.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

You say that your wife has many complaints about you and blames you for her unhappiness, but I don't think you mentioned what those complaints are. As much as it seems clear that she's acting irresponsibly, how about giving us a little of her side of this. To handle a situation, I think it's good to know as much as you can about what they're thinking, etc, even if it is irrational.

What complaints does she have about you? What does she think you role is in her unhappiness?


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

HoopsFan said:


> What complaints does she have about you? What does she think you role is in her unhappiness?


*She says that I don't trust her and never will. She is offended by my questioning and being suspicious of everything she does*.
*She has lied to me about money since we've been married. She had a Facebook/text msg hidden life last year. During this time, I discovered she was talking to an ex BF and was talking about leaving me/kids/everything behind and meeting up with him. This was never resolved. Recently, she left for 2 days to parts unknown, and not telling us when she was coming back. When she returned, I discovered evidence that she had intentions of infidelity. To summarize, any idiot can read the signs and see that she will run to another man, if she hasn't already. I have never been a jealous person in any relationship, and never was in this one until I found out about this relationship with her ex. She has given me more than enough reason to not trust her as far as being faithful. But also she lies about everything and anything if she thinks it will get her out of "trouble".

*She says I am controlling over money.*
In the beginning, we had a joint account. She has a spending problem and ran up thousands on credit cards and our Home Eq Line several times. We both agreed the last time that we should separate things and give her a small subset of bills to manage to learn financial responsibility. That has not worked. She now runs up her own cards and overdraws her accounts and then runs crying to me when it gets way out of her control and the debt collectors are calling. Then I am the monster. I have spent all savings and other options bailing her out of everything in the past and there is nothing to save her this time.

*She says I don't act like I love her.** In this area, she is right, and I should be able to show her more easily. My problem is that I resent her for all I am having to do to keep the household afloat, while she sleeps, neglects, and puts us in more and more debt. Its hard to be adoring to someone who is always in bed, depressed, and not pleasant to be around. She hasnt done laundry, grocery shopping, anything in well over a month now. I have a full time job and she is stay at home mom. I should also mention that she does take care of my youngest while Im working, but that usually consists of her sleeping, while my daughter is sitting in front of the tv. The oldest is in school. Mostly, she gives them what they need, but I think it is still far less than ideal.
Resentment is a problem that I need to work on.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My situation with my wife sounds very similar to yours (although not as bad). Not only do I pay 95% of the bills, I also do almost all of the housework, and watch our kids when I am not at work (she usually then goes on the computer, or goes out ) I too, decided to play hardball and stopped doing most of the housework and guess what? She could have cared less. The dishes just piled up, and the entire house became a pig pen. I finally decided it wasn't fair to my kids to let them live in such a stye, so I went back to doing the housework. I'm planning on doing it until the last one leaves, then I don't care if it gets done (this is still a ways off since my youngest is 9). I did manage to keep her from getting me into debt after I spent 3 x-mas bonuses and 3 tax returns paying off her credit card 3 years in a row. The 3rd time I did it I told her this is the last time, I took my name off of her card and said I was no longer going to pay on it. Whatever she put on it, she could pay herself (she makes about half of what I do, but has no real bills, so this should be very easy to do). I took away access to our checking account (told her if she isn't contributing to the household financially, or domestically she didn't have a right to it). She didn't like it, but ultimately, she now just spends her own money on things she wants to purchase. We have many other issues other than this, (too many to go over now) but I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one going through this kind of thing.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I'm barely in a position to comment on this, but IMO, your relationship is done. At this point, you're beating yourself over the head with issues of the past and if you opened your eyes, for real, you'd see that she is what/who she is and that she's never gonna change. From my experience, we already know the answer before we even ask - I think you already know too. It's just really hard to admit that reality is what is staring you in the face and not what is in that imaginary place in your head.

If I were you, I'd make all the necessary moves to cut my losses, secure control of the kids and finances, and then cut her out of the scene ASAP. She sounds like a manipulative woman who will/has use/used everything at her disposal to get you to do what she wants. If she's not just plain lazy, then she is the epicenter of a selfcenteredness and must be drop-dead gorgeous and awesome in bed for you to keep doing what you’re doing to make it work. Or, she is severely depressed, OCD, manic, or some other mental condition which could excuse her behavior, but I think you’d know if that was the case by now.

I dunno - maybe you should close your eyes, throw a dart at a newspaper and do whatever the dart lands on - sounds like that would be better than what you're currently doing.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

Well, at this point, I am really losing all hope of fixing anything.
I have basically decided that its best for us to work through this, and put in place a plan to keep things going well. Maybe create a set of checks and balances so that spending stays in check, family resposnibilities are lived up to, and we are treating each other as we should.
The problem is that I don't see that she wants to do the work. For 2-3 weeks we have been on the fence of separation. I have told her that I want to fix things, she can't commit. I would think that in her shoes it would be a easy choice. She has a husband that loves her and her kids, earns decent money, and wants to repair the relationship. I have never laid a hand on her or mentally abused her or the kids. I have provided a nice home and I am basically pretty good to her.
This tells me that she either just doesn't really love me anymore, and/or she is thinking about or is involved with someone else. It just feels like if she really loved me and wanted to work it out, it wouldn't take her so long to figure it out. It seems like she is just busy getting her life in order so she can move on. She had more energy in the past couple days than Ive seen in months. But none of it is directed towards anyone but herself. 
I want to let her know that Im serious about making a better life for our family whether we are together or not. I would like to set a deadline for her to decide. I know that if I do that, it will be seen in a negative light in her eyes.
I guess Ill just have to wait for her to drop the bomb. I dont want to give up before she officially does, even though it appears that she already has a long time ago.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

I guess another option could be that she is just stringing me along and playing mind games so that when she does eventually give me the privilege of being her husband again, she will have me where she wants me. After I have agreed to let her have her way in everything and admitted I am a terrible person in the essence of saving our marriage.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

So, can you answer this; what are you afraid of? If you can answer that question, you might be able to figure out why you are a door mat to your wife. I guarantee that there isn’t one woman on this earth who would want a door mat for a husband. From my POV, that’s the reason she isn’t making any commitments w/ you – because you’re a door mat. You obviously see something good about your wife that’s not apparent to me from what you’ve already written about her. If that quality about her is why you believe saving the marriage is the right thing to do, then you better grow some real fast and change your name faster.

If on the other hand, it’s really you that has the problem and your fear – whatever it is – is driving you to crawl on the floor as you begging your wife to stay, then you need to confront that fear because unless you become a different man soon, dealing with that fear will become your life.

Setting ultimatums as you propose is probably not gonna do the trick. But, doing that will force the issue. From your writings, it sounds to me like she’s already out the door and you’re metaphorically grabbing at her coattails trying to keep her from leaving.


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## imadoormat (Jan 12, 2011)

changehappens said:


> So, can you answer this; what are you afraid of? If you can answer that question, you might be able to figure out why you are a door mat to your wife. I guarantee that there isn’t one woman on this earth who would want a door mat for a husband. From my POV, that’s the reason she isn’t making any commitments w/ you – because you’re a door mat. You obviously see something good about your wife that’s not apparent to me from what you’ve already written about her. If that quality about her is why you believe saving the marriage is the right thing to do, then you better grow some real fast and change your name faster.
> 
> If on the other hand, it’s really you that has the problem and your fear – whatever it is – is driving you to crawl on the floor as you begging your wife to stay, then you need to confront that fear because unless you become a different man soon, dealing with that fear will become your life.
> 
> Setting ultimatums as you propose is probably not gonna do the trick. But, doing that will force the issue. From your writings, it sounds to me like she’s already out the door and you’re metaphorically grabbing at her coattails trying to keep her from leaving.


Really the "quality" I see in her is that she is the mother of my children and she is a good person underneath all the baggage. She does have some emotional and psych problems that have been psuedo-diagnosed, which are the cause of much of our troubles.

I have become a doormat for her because Im willing to sacrifice more of myself in honor of my kids than she is.

The only thing I think Im scared of is that in divorce, the man will have slim chance of sole custody of children. I know that her life is a roller coaster while Im still around to help moderate. With me not around, Im scared of what my kids will experience. Even if custody is 50/50, thats still a lot of time for her to be responsible and unless she changes drastically, it could be harmful. Im scared of what will become of my kids after divorce. They are reasonably happy now with some exceptions, and I can see how it could go drastically downhill.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

imadoormat said:


> I am starting to think that when someone has mental issues as deep as this, it may not be fixable, and definitely not fixable if they are not 110% committed to it.


These are the exact words you should say to her. If she does not respond to your satisfaction, then its time to give priority to yourself and your children and move on. You have done enough to help her, she will need to get help elsewhere. 

You seem to be very busy with your two jobs. Do you think your are spending enough time with your wife? Do you talk/communicate sufficiently?

Kudos for keeping things together despite your busy schedule, and insufficient support from you wife. Sounds like you know what to do and you are trying but not getting enough help from your wife. 

Maybe the real issue here is your wife mental health, I dont know. Counseling may be the only solution. Sorry I can't give you better advice.


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