# Need a womans point of view



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I am new to this and can beleive I am in this position. I have been married to my wife for 24 years we have been a couple for 30. We met the last months of high school. We have two children a son 13 and a daughter 17 the best kids anyone could ever hope for. My wife and I were from broken marriges and when we married we said it was forever. We never had arguments never rose our voices to one another. I am not saying we were always on cloud nine we both had time when we wish things we better or the other one was not listening to our needs but it always worked out. About six months ago I knew there was a problem and she was not talking to me. So I waited till the kids were in ther rooms and asked what was wrong. She said a friend told her she needs to be happy. I asked what that ment. Her reply was she was tired of doing for everyone else and now it was her time. I have done anything and everything in the past to make her happy and this still did not make sense to me. I ask again and she said we were done.
I spent the next two weeks in a complete daze, read what ever I could that might help and talked when she would listen. I went to the dr. for meds which made me sick. I sat one morning and seemed to get thru to her and she agreed to try to work things out. She wanted me to talk to a pro but she would not.
In the 17 years that we have had kids we have spent a total of 4 night away and it was something i said we needed to do. So we went away 3 different times in the last 6 months. She has also spent a total of 7 weeks away with family in another state so she could think? Last week I asked for the first time since it all started where she was in our relationship, her reply was i am not here or there which sent me down the slid again because I tought we had made some progress. Yes she said there were a few things that she did not like that had happened in the past I fixed one and the others we just excuses to make me look bad in her eyes. She says I have been the best provider, lover and father to her and the kids but she says her feeling have just faded away. I have sent letter to her telling her I will move heaven and earth to make this work just tell me what to do. I have asked if there is someone else she say no and I am going to take her word for that beacuse we always said if one of us does that than just don't come home. She has been on meds for depression due to perimenapose for about 4 years and her cycle is all over the place the past 9 months. Can this be the problem can menapose cause these feeling to fade? could it be the wrong meds? She wants to move out of state with my son back by family but has no job no place to live and no future. She has not worked since our first was born and has vollntered at the local school for the last 8 years. She has never not had money in her wallet i even write her a pay check every week for the past 18 months and has never done a thing for it ever. She says that if we divorse she does not want it to get ugly. How does it not when you take my kids away from me move to another state and ruin me financialy. I know it is long winded but I have not streched the truth at all. I spend very minute of every day think about this I would do anything to have her say she is in love with me. She says she loves me but is not in love?
I went to a marrige counciler last week, she will go next week when she gets back in town and then we will both go together I can only hope it helps. How do you I get till then? sorry for being so long winded


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Ummm...Did you realize that you put her down several times in that post? First you said that she made excuses to make you look bad. I know that is the way you see it and you werent intentionally making her sound bad, but it was probably wrong of you to say. Why are you dismissing these things that bother her? THey may legitimately be problems to her. 

Also what makes you so sure that she cant support herself? Unless you married a complete fool I would bet that she could figure a checking account out and that volunteer work counts as work experience. And you said she has no future, but thats how she feels about being with you! Also, being the working spouse does not mean that you can decide if she has done something for the money that you "give" her. 

Please dont be offended by what I have written. If you were a bad guy I am assuming you wouldnt be here. Your wife has put herself in this position for the most part it seems. When you thought everything was going fine it wasnt for her, she should have spoken up. This is years in the making.

One possible compromise might be to say "I love you and I want you to be happy. I will help you find a job and a place to live here in town, and all I ask in return is that you might allow me to ask you to a dinner date. We fell in love before, and I would do anything to make you fall in love with me again."

She has burned out, relight the flame.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I hear what you are saying the way it was typed I does sound like I was putting her down. I have supported my wife since the day we met. She and the kids like the toys the ipod the blackberrys the month my daughter turned 16 my wife wanted her to have a car I was not big on the idea but went along. All these thing cost money. That is one of our past present problems, I was told I did not spend enough time with the kids ( I was home everynight and sunday) But I had to make the money to pay for the things. I don't need the things in my life all I want is a happy family and a loving wife. But after she says she does not need the things she goes right out and buys a new ipod and phone. I know I will not be liked for this next problem but hear me out. The other issue she had was two years ago I said she really needed to lose weight and she took it as an insult. I was ment because of her health we have been canceled twice for helth insurance becuase of it and now pay $200.00 per month because of it. Her family high blood pressure problems and diabetis issue and I don't want that for her. At the time she was at 245 - 250. I don't think I was out of line. I know it is a hard topic for women to hear from there spouse but no ill intent was intended. The last was I moved her away from her family. Only her brother was there when we moved now sis and mom are back. I would concider commuiting if it ment keeping the family together. I have alway let my wife have her away time with friends a couple times a year they would do weekend getaways and friday night they get together. Did I feel left behind yes but I was with the kids so she could be happy. I never go out with the guys because it is just a ***** session about how bad things are at home it is not healthy. I never talk negitivly about my wife to my friends it is not right. Yes I do love my wife and would do anything to bring things back. She asked if I would not talk about us when I took her to the airport last week or she would get someone else to take her. I agreed at least I could spend time with her. When we got to the airport I unpacked her bag and gave her a hug she gave me a peck on the cheek and them pulled me back for a big kiss. I could not make it out of the terminal and had to stop to cry, One minute she loves me the next she wants to leave, that is the part that hurts the most. I know she has feelings and I know she has turmoil in her heart i just wish she would work a little harder on fixing this mess not just for us but for the kids.
Also she is a very smart person and could handle most jobs anywhere but with the current ecconomic conditions it will be difficult to find work of anyone that was the point I was getting at. Right now employers want the best not someone that has been out of the work force 17 years. I am glad you said what you do because you made me think for a minute on what I said and how I said it. I guess they are right we do think differently thats why I am hear and not at the mens site.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

The leaving came quick, she has missed family but can go back anytime she needs it is only a plane flight away. Up until a week ago she still would engage in sex that she initiate. One day she is happy the next she is not. I have been told menapose can be bad for some I am not saying that is the only thing I am sure I have cause some pain but never ever intended too


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Sent her a long letter yesterday explaining my feelings and how I feel we got to where we are at. She replyed that she will not comment until she goes to the councler next week to see what her problem is if any. She does not want any love notes or for me to say it. She just want s me to be here for the kids so thats what I am doing. But she ended the letter with love


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am about to give you the absolute best advice, that you probably will not take.

Leave her alone. Don't write her. Don't call her. Don't ask her where things stand. Don't read into everything she says, or does not say.

The more you pursue her and plead for, or demand answers - the less you will get and the further you will push her away.

That's simply the way it works. Completely counter-intuitive to the belief that if you bend over backwards and try to convince her how much she means to you, that she will willingly and lovingly come back. It won't happen that way. 

She has basically already said this to you. So, I am assuming that you very much want to preserve your marriage. If that is the case, then deal with your emotions in counseling. Take this time to focus on yourself - exactly like she is doing.

I'm confident that anyone that has been through what you are experiencing will either tell you that this is good advice, or confide that trying to reach out to, communicate with, be there for, beg and plead with their estranged partner accomplished absolutely nothing positive.


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

Deejo makes a good point. I think what was left out was to make sure you do act warm, loving, and responsive when you do talk with her. That doesn't mean getting emotional or saying "I love you", but it's about giving her the message that you are available and present for her for when she is ready to come back around. Get busy trying to be happy and make sure you are helping as much as you can. Your wife did make a good point. We were raised to take care of everyone and have major guilt, shame issues when we feel the need to put ourselves first. If you can give her 'permission' to pamper herself and take time for herself, and definitely do things without her having to ask you to do them whenever you see the opportunity, she may begin to appreciate you again and in whole new ways.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I am taking your advice, she is out of town with family. It kills me not to talk to her but I here what you are saying. I will not talk to her till she returns and will not bring it up on the way home from the airport. I will wait till we got to our first meeting next week together, she goes the day before I went last week.
I have been doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning and most of the laundry. I would say she has it pretty good she gets her hair done regularly, her nails done regularly and go out with her friends when she likes. I think the only time I said no in our marrige and stuck to it was when she wanted a dog. For a long time I said not I did not want the responsiblity. I did give in and she sat and cried when I said yes that was 4 years ago. She now says it was a mistake. I guess I must have been to, at least I have the kids for now. I have read resently that women prefer a husband that is more forceful and demanding. It says I should go out and make her gealous. I think that would make her happy right now. I am going to take care of the kids, run my business the best that I can an see if the counciling does. But I don't think I am going to play the game we have been playing. She says it is a big decision to make and I agree but don't take a year to do it. It will just ruin my health and stress out the kids. The big question I have is when should the kids know. I think 17 year old daughter might have a feeling but the 13 year old son has no clue. I told my wife we both have to tell them together when/if that time comes. Do we see how the meetings go? Thank you all for the advice and lettting me vent


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

A question on DEEJO reply how do you let them know you have not given up, you are just giving them space. I would be easy for them to think you are getting over it and moving on with your life. I am definetly not over it and have not plans on moving on until she says I have to sign D papers. At that point it would be a sad day because we all would be losing a great deal.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

tryingtocope,

Unfortunately, nothing is cut and dry. I advise taking care of yourself, because it is the best course you can follow - regardless of the outcome.

If she is still invested in you, she will notice your efforts. If she is no longer invested in you, either because she has mentally checked out, or she has become invested in someone else, she will continue looking for any circumstances both reasonable, and unreasonable to distance herself from you, regardless of your efforts.

The only timeframe I would advise imposing is how long your tolerance will hold up.

My wife and I have been separated for a year. Two very young children. We have been through divorce mediation, but she has not taken the next step that would allow us to set a court date. I met the criteria back in May. It would be easy to assume that she hasn't taken that step because she wants to reconcile - but that isn't the case.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

BTW, if you don't want her to move the kids away, you can probably prevent it.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Even with the pain I am in I still want her to be happy. If she needs to be back with family fine. I think it would be easier on me in the future when i saw her with someone else. Daughter goew of to college next summer and has to stay in state. My some is going so well here with school and the things that he love to do I would let him make that decision, If he wants to stay I'll challange it. I told her last week that I would do just that and she got upset and said are you threating me which I said no I am not I just want her to open her eyes and see what life is all about. Has she checked out ? some days I think so other days she is in a fog some days she is judt depressed. The happy pills no longer are working I think she needs to see a different dr. and say I need help I know its hard to so when we do but the fact remains without asking no one going to help you. I just can get her to see that.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

sorry for the grammer and spelling on last post, I just can't think clearly anymore


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The thing about letting her go and/or leaving her alone is, she MAY come to realize it's a mistake. She may not. That's why you need to "move on" with yourself in the meantime. Think about what contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and get counseling. Growing as a person will make YOU happier, whether or not the marriage is over. You will both be different people (hopefully) if you get back together--and maybe you will find YOU don't want to reunite. It is completely open at this point.

How do you let her know? You tell her: "Do what you need to do. Right now, I love you and want to be married to you still. I will be moving on, however, because I have to assume you aren't coming back. I will be working on my personal growth and maybe even date. If you change your mind about all this, call me. Right now I think I would jump at the chance to heal 'us,' but I cannot promise that, either, since I don't know how I might change." Then, walk away. Talk only about what needs to be talked about to handle/process the separation and, perhaps, divorce. Still to splitting finances, sharing kids fairly. If she wants to talk about the marriage, it's up to you to decide if you want to as well. maybe best done in counseling, for example, not just the two of you. Whatever conditions you need, stick to them and protect yourself. Don't give up yourself b/c you feel so desperate to have her back. You'll be ok alone if that's how it turns out, and you'll be a better partner (to her, to someone else) for becoming a happier, more complete single person. Horribly painful, yes, but worth it in the long run!


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Sisters359 I hear you loud and clear, That is what I am thinking right now but the pain for me when I say it might be to much for me because I would be saying something I really don't want or mean. On the splitting finances, My wife has not contributed to the household since my daughter was born 17 years ago. No because she couldn't but because she did not need to. All the money she earned last year from a job she had was spent on stuff for her or vacation or the kids. Yes she contributed in other ways but not money. All accts. are joint she does have a few credit cards in her name. I pay them when they are due from my income she buys what she needs or wants when she likes. What I am thinking of doing is taking a few thousand out of the money market and say he open a checking acct. and just pay your bills with it, clothes, hair cuts, nail appts. plane flight home to think, rental cars. She may not know how good things are yes it can be better but nothing mean ever was done to cause this. I really think it may be a menaposal/ hormonal thing. I don't want to say that is the whole reason but she should see her dr. She was given prozac for perimenapose 3 years ago and has never talk to the dr. about it since.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Why do some gals to this to the ones they love/loved. Wife calls daughters cell so she can talk to son while she is out of town. If she does not want to talk to me than I won't but don't hide it. Then e-mails me to say she is staying one more day because of and ill uncle but wants to make sure I am not angry. Why would I be angry she has not talked to me in more than a week. More mixed signals. Today I started laughing in the car by my self I tought of the old movie misery. I feel like James Cann and my wife is Kathy Bates. She loves me wants to take care of me and then brakes my legs with a sledge hammer. Today was the first day in a while that I had been able to eat what I should with out feeling sick them the mixed signals come and I feel terrible again. I am starting to think that life is to short to feel like this. After how many visits do I ask the counciler if we are making any progress. I will do what it takes right now to make it work I just think she can not see clearly.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

It's kind of strange, not in as much pain, I now know I am not in control if the situation and can not do anything my self to fix it. The ball is in her court, we shall see if counciling help if not I assume I know the end result. I just hope it does not mess up the kids, yes they will get thru it. But I remember all the stuff that happened when I was my sons age and my parents split. I is still ugly between them and that was 35 years ago. So yes it affected me and regardless what anyone says yes the kids are affected also.
Sisters359 I think you have given me a direction to follow it may not be the easiest path but a path none the less Thanks


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Dear tryingtocope24

read my post, it might help you, it is my life as a reflection of yours

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/5745-hurts-sooooo-bad-right-now.html


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## Is_It! (Oct 17, 2009)

Did any of husbands every think this is what life would be like after being married for sometime? Its hard to let go and move on especially when you want it to still work out and she is the world to you.

I've been dealing with a lack of "love" or happyness for sometime with my wife. Long story short we are still together, she doesn't care about the relationship and I still do to a degree. I keep telling myself if she is willing to make you feel this way then she isn't worth it. The bond from my end is fading away after all the years, but we have a few kids. 

I read many books over the years and some did help see from her perspective. I suggest you do the same. 

One word to the wise the more you seem interested in her and are willing to do anything for her, the further away she will become. That is one consistent think I've taken away from reading these forums and books.

If I remember a name of a book I'll post it for you. It will not take the pain away, but it will help you understand what woman are about. 

Is_It!


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I have another question this time about sex oh my.
Isw it strange that a 48 year man would want to have sex with his wife 6-7 time a month? My wife and her friends call it there wifely duty and make i sound like a chore. I alway put my wife first in the sex dept. and she knows it. I know anti depressants and menapsoe is a ***** but I would do anything to please my wife regard less if it is in the sex dept. or anywhere else. Does it get better after menapose? Or do I just give up with women in general?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Your wife sounds typical of a lot of wives in her age group. They have a term called "walk away wives" and I think she fits into that group. She's probably not been happy for years and was making her exit strategy for a long time. A lot of women do this and I don't think you did anyting wrong per say, it's just that her needs weren't met and now she thinks she will be happier alone or with someone else. 

I agree with the poster who said leave her alone. As much as she wants to blame you for this sudden change of events, she is also to blame for not seeking happiness in your marriage and allowing her resentment to build up over the years.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Thanks all for the support, themrs you hit it right on the head. I found out today I have been lied to for the past couple of months.
She has a FRIEND that she has been talking to and I think seeing ( not physical yet I belive). She says there is a 10% chance she will stay. So I take that as she has mad up her mind. I gave her the details in an e-mail, give me all joint cc. she pays for her stuff. I take care of insurances, the house stuff and food. I take care of the kids. and the rest is up to her. I am done


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

tryingtocope24 said:


> Thanks all for the support, themrs you hit it right on the head. I found out today I have been lied to for the past couple of months.
> She has a FRIEND that she has been talking to and I think seeing ( not physical yet I belive). She says there is a 10% chance she will stay. So I take that as she has mad up her mind. I gave her the details in an e-mail, give me all joint cc. she pays for her stuff. I take care of insurances, the house stuff and food. I take care of the kids. and the rest is up to her. I am done


You can win her back. There is a book that fits the description of your situation.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

You should check it out.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Thanks themrs. ijust heard about the term the other day. she does if it to a t. Had a long talk to night. Some big medical issues came up for her and me today. My bp skyrocketed and she has huge fibroid that have to be removed. make the other issues look small.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Hello All
it has been a roller coaster of a week thats for sure. I have figure when I push to end it she wants to stop. We have talked this week she wants to wait till june after our dd graduates hs. Then move north to see if she can make it on her own. I these economic times that will be nearly impossible. But if she does not do it she might always have that I wish I would of. Well I want her to try and if she can do it than great if she can't she will come back with a new understanding about how hard I have worked to pay off both of our homes and have given them everything they ever wanted. I think with that respect we could work on rebuilding our marriage. She definately has WAWS. All I can do is be mister happy so she sees me as a upbeat person that is great with the kids. If she would work on the marriage we could fix it but she would have that I wish I would ahve in the back of her head. I know I can make someone happy be it her or someone else, but can someone make her happy?


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Well it's been a really long time since is have been here, It's funny to read these post and look back at everything. It was hard to take the advice of others because I thought they were worng and my situation was different. Well I was WRONG. You all were right. She was in a relationship with someone else. And all the advice was correct. So april 2010 we divorced. split everything in half and called it a day. 
What I will offer to others is rebuild you self confidence as fast as possible and enjoy your life because it is to be enjoyed!!!
I am happier now that I ever have been, I have done things that I never would have done if I was still with my exwife.
I have been cert. advanced scuba diver and have gone to many different countries to do so. I am back in my house with my kids. I have been with a incredible woman that I met a few months after being divorced. I now are planning our wedding. Yes, I just said that after saying I would never do that. 
As for my ex well she rents a bedroom from a friend works part time, complains to everyone including the kids that she should have gotten more in the divorce. She still is seeing the other person but its a long distance relationship. 
So what I can offer to others in the same boat. 
When they say they want to give up on the marrige that accept it. It's gonna hurt for a while but promise your self you will make your self happy because only you can do that. The find a person that understands you personally and understands what you do for a living because that will help a lot.
Then just enjoy life to the fullest and create a bunch more chapters in your book of life. Hopefully many many more chapters.
ps don't worry there will be a prenup


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wow. Inspiring. So when is the wedding?
Younger and hotter? /e ducks cause this is the womensforum.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Well I proposed while scuba diving on vacation in Belize 60' below the surface I thought it would be different. I wrote the words in a large clam shell and opened it for her. It was cool she was surprised. I got got a lot of compliments on it that I did not expect.
So the wedding will be this coming april deep in the jungle of belize under a large waterfall. Like I said my life has change dramaticly.
And to answer the other question and to be as politically correct as possible 
yes she is very attractive a few years younger and 100 pounds lighter yaaaa for me

but seriously like I said who ever is in the postion that I was who feels there life was destroyed and can not see happiness it will happen it just takes a little time. When you post something and what someone post something that you feel is wrong. Just tale a minute and think about the possibility that they might be right in my situation they were I just refused to think they could be right


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Coolness on finding Mrs Cope24 v2.0. Read some of your history.

Success is the best revenge.

You ended up busting her for cheating? How about the 3 paragraph version of that?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Really appreciate you coming back and letting us know how things worked out.

Nobody here takes any pleasure from being right about the advice we give.

But ... you lived it, you know it, you recovered from it.

Congratulations to you.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

New here, and I must say wow from reading all that...
very glad to see things worked out for you.

It's an eye opener for sure, I was going to post something to get a woman's point of view besides my families who will defend me, and I really don't want to hit them with anything right now in case things turn around for me and my wife.

I am going through a really really rough time and the 2nd lowest point in my life right now, and have been through some really rough and low times already. My situation is slightly different I think. and may need a little different advice, not sure I will create a new post.


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