# Wive diagnosed with Adrenal fatigue. Blames me, its over



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am SO frustrated right now. Wife has been suffering from all sorts of food allergies and general fatigue. After in depth testing, AF was diagnosed. She says she has several stressers in her life but I am the primary one. 

The problem is I don't even know what I did!!! She says I am mad all the time but we have 2 kids and I am constantly barking orders. This is NOT a house where people are screaming at each other all the time, no physical abuse, etc. 

We have a general disconnection mostly from her inability to communicate her feelings EVER. Then it festers into this. 

My questions, does this sound like I indeed need to let her go? 

Since communication is the primary breakdown here, what can a guy do to fix that assuming she would even invite the idea? Therapy has not worked or at least this therapist. We gain ground while in session and then no home work or talk after. 

I am just breaking at the seams trying to find a way. I am was raised to leave no stone unturned but I think that will have to be mutual to work!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I am SO frustrated right now. Wife has been suffering from all sorts of food allergies and general fatigue. After in depth testing, AF was diagnosed. She says she has several stressers in her life but I am the primary one.
> 
> The problem is I don't even know what I did!!! She says I am mad all the time but we have 2 kids and I am constantly barking orders. This is NOT a house where people are screaming at each other all the time, no physical abuse, etc.
> 
> ...


Why do you think your wife is a liar?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is there no work or talk at home once you leave the therapist's office?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Not so much that she is a liar, but that she may be allowing her other life stresses fill the cup and then I over flow it. 

I guess I would have to take some blame for not working much at home but she mostly said she needed space. I gave that and got worse because of it. 

In her family tree, there is not one family that is together. I cannot help but think she is programmed to run from a relationship and if that is the case, I might have to eat crow...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried believing what you says you do that bothers her? 

I'm not sure what to do here because she's not here and I have no idea if she's right that you are giving he orders (even if you think you are not).

So the best I think I can suggest is that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". See if she will read them with you and work through them.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I was able to actually get in some conversation followed by a planned talk this weekend. 

What I think is being summed up is that I am a very analytical person being an engineer. It is SO hard to turn it off but I am learning! She brought up some pretty odd points that make no sense to either me or the therapist. 

1. She wanted to slap me for asking if she grabbed the diapers before we headed off on a vaca a few weeks ago. She said she felt under minded even though I said it calmly. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

2. we were stacking up tree branches from a storm the other day. She started a big pile on the other side of the road for whatever reason. Not our property! No biggy, I was doing more the next day without her and moved them all back over. She friggin blew a gasket! :scratchhead::scratchhead:
Had to be moved, how do I handle that one?

Things like this that to me and most normal people IMO would be MOOT issues, but to her, they seem to just set her off. I never know whether to pee or sit down anymore. These are apparently BIG issues!

If I look over her shoulder to see what she is making in the kitchen, she feels that I am going to criticize her work, even if I say nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> 2. we were stacking up tree branches from a storm the other day. She started a big pile on the other side of the road for whatever reason. Not our property! No biggy, I was doing more the next day without her and moved them all back over. She friggin blew a gasket! :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> Had to be moved, how do I handle that one?


Did you ask her why it upset her so much?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

That was her reasoning. She felt under minded that she cannot do anything right. I am REALLY not trying to flip on the blame on her, I am trying mostly to understand her to figure out if it is something I can even change. 

I told her half the time when I seem like I am attacking her, I am trying to banter with her, and nothing more. What sucks is I have girl friends that I do this much better with. 

It is my personality!! If I say "are you burning the eggs?", the response from a friend of mine would be "yes, I am burning the **** out of them, and you are going to eat them too".... Sometimes I wonder how we got 12yrs in here!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> 1. She wanted to slap me for asking if she grabbed the diapers before we headed off on a vaca a few weeks ago. She said she felt under minded even though I said it calmly. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


If your counselor cannot figure this one out, get a new counselor. Your wife told you and the counselor exactly why it bothers her. She feels that you undermine and order her around. 

It does not matter if you said it calmly. It’s clear that you think you have to supervise her to make sure she remembers diapers. Are you in charge of the diapers? Do you not trust her to get the diapers? 

Did she ask you if you did all the things that you needed to do before getting into the car? Or did she just trust you would do them?

What you did is called a “Love Buster”. You really do need to read the book. She does not like you nick picking what she does. So stop it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

That is half the problem. There is no list of items to go, no verification, I am just supposed to get in a car and drive 300 miles hoping she got everything. 

But yes, she does drop the ball. We had a trolly of about 20 cars following us to a facility for a Bday party only to find out we went to the wrong place and needed to drive another 30min for a 1hr event.... If I get involved, I look like I don;t trust her. 

I am not saying I am lily white and I would forget me head if not attached. I am simply saying she does have some "air head" moments that have put us in quite the bind before. 

Let me ask honestly, how would you handle the diaper issue? Should there be a list? She will never write one. If not, how do I approach that or just ignore it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> That was her reasoning. She felt under minded that she cannot do anything right. I am REALLY not trying to flip on the blame on her, I am trying mostly to understand her to figure out if it is something I can even change.
> 
> I told her half the time when I seem like I am attacking her, I am trying to banter with her, and nothing more. What sucks is I have girl friends that I do this much better with.
> 
> It is my personality!! If I say "are you burning the eggs?", the response from a friend of mine would be "yes, I am burning the **** out of them, and you are going to eat them too".... Sometimes I wonder how we got 12yrs in here!!


So she’s consistent about her complaints. She did something and you judged it as wrong.


bobsmith said:


> She started a big pile on the other side of the road for whatever reason. Not our property!


So the next day you, being judgmental, you moved her pile of branches so that they were where you thought they should be. 

What do you think you could have done differently?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So the next day you, being judgmental, you moved her pile of branches so that they were where you thought they should be.
> 
> What do you think you could have done differently?



I would have to draw a picture here but basically, she piled up branches on the neighbors lawn. I guess I could have asked her to move them, wait for the neighbor to *****, or something else I have not thought of. 

I really did not even give it a second thought when I moved them. No biggy, she did not mean to, etc. I did NOT say a word, just moved them. 

I appreciate your responses. There is apparently something in this that I need to rethink. The burnt eggs thing seriously sounds different in person but it could well be that she just does not pick up on my humor and perceives it as critique.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> That is half the problem. There is no list of items to go, no verification, I am just supposed to get in a car and drive 300 miles hoping she got everything.


What is the worst that will happen if something is forgotten? Are there stores along the way?


bobsmith said:


> But yes, she does drop the ball. We had a trolly of about 20 cars following us to a facility for a Bday party only to find out we went to the wrong place and needed to drive another 30min for a 1hr event.... If I get involved, I look like I don;t trust her.


Did you have the address to the event before you started? Could you have looked it out without telling her you were doing it?


bobsmith said:


> I am not saying I am lily white and I would forget me head if not attached. I am simply saying she does have some "air head" moments that have put us in quite the bind before.


And you have never done anything imperfect?


bobsmith said:


> Let me ask honestly, how would you handle the diaper issue? Should there be a list? She will never write one. If not, how do I approach that or just ignore it?


It depends on what is going on. 

I’m an engineer too. I’m very organized but keep it in my head… especially if we are driving and there are stores where we can get anything that we forgot. I do not make mountains out of things like forgotten diapers.

If we are going on a long trip, like when we flew to Hawaii I did have a list as it was my husband, the children and me. There were things like medication, credit cards, medical cards, travel plan, that we had to have. But I don’t stress over the rest. {As a side note, my husband (now my ex) did nothing ever except pack his own bag for anything we ever did so it was all on me.}


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She sounds extremely immature. Nothing you can do about immaturity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I would have to draw a picture here but basically, she piled up branches on the neighbors lawn.


Did the branches fall on your yard and your wife walked across the street and piled them on the neighbor’s yard?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

The way I see it, there's really only one way to address her objections. Let that stuff go. Let her make mistakes and fail. Are forgotten diapers really such a crisis? Is there no place to buy diapers at your destination? 

I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm not even saying this will change anything. If the marriage has truly gone sour, she will likely just find another problem and another, always with you to blame. You will have to decide if these compaints have merit or are just more BS. You will also have to decide when enough is enough. Maybe she is right and you are a control freak. You won't know either way unless you make the effort to look at yourself and your role in the disfunction.

That being said, if you cannot find a way to communicate I see little hope for improvement. Are you defensive or argumentative when talking with her? Find a counselor who will teach you how to create a communication dynamic that makes you both feel safe.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I appreciate the responses and I am sure to give this some thought and report back. I think we are truly getting somewhere now! I need need to carefully analyze how to not analyze everything.....

I agree, I can sweat the small stuff when I should not. Character flaw..

NM, hmm, you must be in aerospace...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Did the branches fall on your yard and your wife walked across the street and piled them on the neighbor’s yard?


Yep. I already had the pile started in our driveway. Why she did that is WAY beyond me but due to our issues, I cannot even ask...


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Yep. I already had the pile started in our driveway. Why she did that is WAY beyond me but due to our issues, I cannot even ask...


She's making a statement, trying to assert her independence. She wants to be able to make decisions without your unsolicited input. 

It really doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes and find their own way to solve problems. No one like to be treated like a child, especially when they are acting like one. Your questions/suggestions would normally be innocuous, but your relationship is clearly so troubled that they simply irritate her and cause resentment. Ease up and see if you notice an improvement.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> That being said, if you cannot find a way to communicate I see little hope for improvement. Are you defensive or argumentative when talking with her? Find a counselor who will teach you how to create a communication dynamic that makes you both feel safe.


That is a good question and I tend to think we are both argumentative mostly but I know today, I was in defense mode. To be right honest, her mom can be a serious B! and takes cheap jabs at people. My W does this to me now. Took her to a movie and she said she brought snacks because she knew I would be a cheap ass. I wanted to just leave her ass there! No, I don't think an 8$ can of popcorn is sane! However, the real basis for that is she cannot eat one thing there due to allergies and has to carry food! I don't even care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> That was her reasoning. She felt under minded that she cannot do anything right. I am REALLY not trying to flip on the blame on her, I am trying mostly to understand her to figure out if it is something I can even change.
> 
> I told her half the time when I seem like I am attacking her, I am trying to banter with her, and nothing more. What sucks is I have girl friends that I do this much better with.


girlfriends? I thought you were married.



bobsmith said:


> It is my personality!! If I say "are you burning the eggs?", the response from a friend of mine would be "yes, I am burning the **** out of them, and you are going to eat them too".... Sometimes I wonder how we got 12yrs in here!!


So you have what you think is a witty sense of humor. Your wife does not like your sense of humor. You know that. but you still tease her. Why do you to that if you know she does not like it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I appreciate the responses and I am sure to give this some thought and report back. I think we are truly getting somewhere now! I need need to carefully analyze how to not analyze everything.....
> 
> I agree, I can sweat the small stuff when I should not. Character flaw..
> 
> NM, hmm, you must be in *aerospace*...


Yep


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Yep. I already had the pile started in our driveway. Why she did that is WAY beyond me but due to our issues, I cannot even ask...


What I would have done is to say..

"Honey, the neighbor wants our branches out of his yard. Do you want me to move them or should I leave them or you?"

If she's going to be snippy about you doing things like this, then give her the option of doing the work. Then if she tells you to do it, you end up being the great guy who did the work for him.

Her walking across the street to pile up the branches on the neighbor's lawn sounds like she was doing something to get you upset. She knows that something like that will get to you. So it's a passive aggressive why to get at you.

Does she do thinks like that a often? If she does, the best way to handle them is like I suggested. BE all nice about it. If she cannot get a dig at you out of it, then it's no fun being passive aggressive.

I'm not sticking up for her going that. Just speaking from experience after years of living with a man who was very passive aggressive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> That is a good question and I tend to think we are both argumentative mostly but I know today, I was in defense mode. To be right honest, her mom can be a serious B! and takes cheap jabs at people. My W does this to me now. Took her to a movie and she said she brought snacks because she knew I would be a cheap ass. I wanted to just leave her ass there! No, I don't think an 8$ can of popcorn is sane! However, the real basis for that is she cannot eat one thing there due to allergies and has to carry food! I don't even care.


Well, I guess she was right. She had to buy it because you were not going to. So why would it bother you if she told the truth?

Are you bothered that she has to carry food due to her allergies?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well, I guess she was right. She had to buy it because you were not going to. So why would it bother you if she told the truth?
> 
> Are you bothered that she has to carry food due to her allergies?


I am not bothered that she has to carry food, the fact is she had to have all that stuff in her purse anyway. She knows I could care less if I eat/drink anything at a movie. It is a non-issue for me. 


If I tell her "your ass looks fat today", would that fly? No, but it is just the truth! No? Just an opinion? So is being a tight ass. I could have rented the movie and watched at home for 2-3bucks, but I spent 25 bucks to make her happy. I am budget minded as any responsible person should be. 

I know for certain due to your background that you think reasonably. At least around here, you rarely see a crew of guys treating each other to a fine dinner and ritzy drinks. The whole damn entertainment and food industries are tailored around women that enjoy these things. $30 glass of orange juice because it is served in a 24K gold chalice!! It is still just orange juice!!

At some point, as a man, I guess I feel like I have to stop the bleeding at some point but at the movie I guess, if she asked nicely for snacks there, I would have bought them. Probably internally pissed off but did it anyway. I guess I did have to mention the $4 bottle of water I bought!!:scratchhead: 

No honey, we can;t make the house payment because I took you out last night....


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

I grew up with an over critical father, so when my wife asks me things like, did you lock the door, did you remember the water,it sometimes takes me back to those memories.Some people just cant handle a constant stream of instructions.My wife doesn't do it to be hurtful, but to be helpful,but if im not in the right place mentally I hear; what when and how from my childhood.So really its MY problem being made worse by my wifes HELPFUL instructions.The same with the joking,i don't hear funny, I hear critical.like with the diapers,maybe she doesn't need to hear about her mistakes. just my observation, not meaning to be critical.marriage is a constant dance of adjustments.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I was able to actually get in some conversation followed by a planned talk this weekend.
> 
> What I think is being summed up is that I am a very analytical person being an engineer. It is SO hard to turn it off but I am learning! She brought up some pretty odd points that make no sense to either me or the therapist.
> 
> ...


I'll bite. Could she find some of your behaviors to be patronizing? You could have asked her why she made the pile where she did while she was doing it. With regards to the diapers, you could have packed a few yourself as a backup or simply let her fail instead of questioning her. I know you were just trying to be helpful and no malice was involved but she's an adult. Let her make mistakes and learn from tbem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> I was able to actually get in some conversation followed by a planned talk this weekend.
> 
> What I think is being summed up is that I am a very analytical person being an engineer. It is SO hard to turn it off but I am learning! She brought up some pretty odd points that make no sense to either me or the therapist.
> 
> ...


 
You just said the magic word. Your an engineer. I know two people that are in the same line of work. Trust me, I'm not in any way knocking you but engineers are thinkers and planners and that's how they do things either at work or at home. Everything has their place and organized. That's what makes an engineer. You guys think different than most others and what happens is your wife might not be the most organized woman in the world but she has her way of doing things and to her, it's cool but you guys look at it, analyze it and see a flaw or another way. best thing to do is let her play her own game and if it's not up to your standards, let it be. Granted, you'll have to bite your tongue or beat your head against a wall, but it could make it a happier household. Your not a bad guy and I believe that she is a good woman and wife, it's just that your an engineer and she's not. Be cool and if necessary, say nothing.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

100%. We know from therapy that I am an over thinker and she is a "free spirit". She likes to be very care free and to be honest, in a lot of ways, I love that about her. 

The real question here is "what type of partner best suits an engineer?" Is it another engineer so they think alike or does that just cause drama from N'th degree analyzing? 

I don't consider myself one of those ultra organized engineers, but there is usually a good reason why I do things a certain way. Consider this. with an old stove top, if you turn it on high, the timer in the throttling circuit will run at 100% duty thus heat up faster. If you turn your oven up to max to pre-heat, it does nothing, element runs full bore until TC sees "at temp". 

Anyway, I think we are getting at the brass tacks of what is going on here and like in the example above, I make a valid point about preheating but I guess in the end, does it really matter? Am I right? yeah. But how do I learn to keep my mouth shut when I am wired to always try to optimize everything? 

It is a SERIOUS flaw that I have. I am critical of everything I do and everyone around me and I realize it. As soon as I build something or say write a CNC program, I immediately see something that could have been done better or run faster. 

I remember the cartoon about engineers and thought it was damn funny but true. Now I think it is not so funny but still true. 

HELP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOtoujYOWw0

LOL!! Here it is! Hilarious still!!!


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> 100%. We know from therapy that I am an over thinker and she is a "free spirit". She likes to be very care free and to be honest, in a lot of ways, I love that about her.
> 
> The real question here is "what type of partner best suits an engineer?" Is it another engineer so they think alike or does that just cause drama from N'th degree analyzing?
> 
> ...


I'm an IT guy, and very analytical as well. However I'm not crazy organized but I am guilty of the overoptimizing everything (and often the wrong things). I'm a bit ADD as well, engineering silly things the Nth degree while neglecting simple duties. I showed my wife a schematic of a ridiculously overengineered backyard solar heat collector I was planning and she said to me "can you start by taking out the garbage" and pointed to two bags that needed to go out, lol.

If I had someone exactly like me I think I'd go crazy. I think you're probably the same.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am actually pretty excited that we are getting down to the bottom of this now. I just don't know how to move forward from here. I just sent her an email explaining how I work, as in a typical engineering meeting. I voice my opinion on how things should be done per my research and experiences. I then expect my partner to relay her thoughts and ideas and probably "**** it, we are going to wing it". I have to find a way in which, like cooking, it really does not matter. But if putting a car on jack stands, I might need to override that. 

Is there an "EA" Engineers anonymous? lol


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