# Friend's wife seems to be fishing...



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I made a new friend recently thru a mutual sport we participate in. His wife has quickly started working the script of a cheater on me - trying to isolate, escalate, etc. I like this guy, our kids get along, and I want to keep him as a friend. How do I back her off without making sh*t weird? It's also possible they're swingers, which I've had some exposure to and want no part of if that's the case.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

State your boundaries and they are nonnegotiable !

Or

Get a VAR and record the next interaction and play it back to your friend and show him that his old lady has no boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I will absolutely state my boundaries as soon as she makes an overt move. I'd rather avoid that move if possible, though. :\


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Then how in the hell do you expect this to work out with out communicating to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I still think you should record the next conversation.

I bet she gets pissed you turned her down and tells her old man you hit on her.

Get the VAR!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are you single?

Married people come as a pair. If the wife wasn't involved, didn't attend, it would be different. As it is, no way this works out well. He's not going to want to be friends with you if he knows his wife has the hots for you. When you reject the wife, she will tell him that you led her on or she will tell him she rejected you or she will not say anything and keep up her pursuit of you. One way or another, it WILL get messy.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Do you chat to her then?

If so is there a way you could innocently bring the conversation round to how much you love your current partner?

"Hi Mrs Loose Knickers, did you and hubby do much for Valentines?"

"I got <insert name> some flowers, took her out whatever. (It doesn't even have to be true.)

"Wow, I really love that woman and could never do anything to hurt her. I bet you feel the same way about <new friend> because he is such a great guy."


Ok I know some people would regard you as a challenge to their charms but if she is a halfway decent human being she should take the hint. If she doesn't you may have to escalate.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Does she appear to interact with other men the same way at all? 

My wife and I came up with a plan for when a woman starts to come on to me too much. Sometimes I don't see it as clearly as she does so my wife will say "mistletoe" and I will stop whatever I'm doing and give her the most disgusting tongue kiss and face lick I can muster. Haha! It works! 

Be careful not to make his I big a deal.

Just let her do her thing and don't reciprocate at all. Avoid being alone with her and above all inform your wife. This guys wife will get tired of trying to seduce a person who's not interested.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Tell her she is making you uncomfortable. 

If that doesn't work or if she persists tell her you have a nasty std.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There are ways of being subtle yet still getting your point across.

Every single time she hints towards something change the subject.

Every single time.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

workindad said:


> Tell her she is making you uncomfortable.


I'm not understanding why it has to be complicated. As workindad said...tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe her intention is to hook up with you. Maybe it isn't. But seriously, if her actions make you uncomfortable, tell her. You can even preface it with "It may not be your intent, but this is the sort of thing that I am not comfortable with. Please, in the future, don't do/say <whatever it is she does/says> to/around me." Direct, to the point, and also acknowledges the SLIM possibility that she may not be trying anything. Also, let it be known that, if she does continue, you will bring it up to her husband.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Just walk away from the budding friendship. Keep it sports only and don't interact in any other way.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Are you married? What are some of the things she has done to make you feel uncomfortable?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If you are married, bring your wife to the next event...and the have some tasteful PDA. Also make sure she knows what's up.

The sad reality is that if the woman is truly making a pass at you, this friendship is ultimately doomed. Keep it to the sport only.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Are you attracted to her at all?

Your body language and tone in your voice can set the standard for
which you two communicate together. If you find her attractive, sometimes
that can be a hard thing to hide. If this is the case, you must put some
space in between yourselves so it doesn't send the wrong signal to her.

If you feel uncomfortable about speaking to her, try to avoid it.
Also avoid topics that aren't related to the weather, kids, etc.

If there's any comparing going on, well that's a tell tale sign of her intentions.
If she attempts that sort of talk between you two, then I would distance myself
from her as much as possible.

There are plenty of ways to let someone know you aren't interested
without confrontation. If has to come to that, so be it... but that only means
you haven't given her the right signals that you just aren't that kind of guy.

Deep conversations are an indication of interest, so avoid those at all costs.

She could be fishing... just make sure it's not mutual.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You're in a catch 22 here.

If your friends wife won't knock it off and you tell him, I doubt that he'll stick around.

If you say nothing and she ends up EA/PA-ing later on and your friend finds out that you didn't tell him earlier that his wife hit on you - He's going to be p!ssed at you and won't stick around either.

I can speak to the latter. 25 years ago I had a freind, After their 2nd child, his wife started changing, became real flirty/touchy-feely.

It got to the point that when we were at a table while out, she would drop a shoe and try to rub my meat 'n' tatters with her foot, under the tables

I tried avoiding sitting too close, when he'd get up, i'd get up and wouldn't let myself be isolated with her when we were out, or I was at my friends house.

Well, one day I was too slow in moving. She went for foot feel. My friend saw from across the bar.

Later when I told him I had done everything to avoid his wife's advances, he said to me, "Well not everything. You never told me.".

That was that. We didn't hang out, or do things together after that. I saw him at mutual friends places from time to time, but it was obvious that he couldn't get over the fact that I didn't tell him. When I thought about that, I realized that I'd have probably done the same.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> If you are married, bring your wife to the next event...and the have some tasteful PDA. Also make sure she knows what's up.
> 
> *The sad reality is that if the woman is truly making a pass at you, this friendship is ultimately doomed.* Keep it to the sport only.


I agree. To the extent that you can only be around him, not them together. 

Can you be more specific about 'escalate'? What did she say or do? Or was it just the whole vibe?

The VAR is a good idea for your own insurance. There was a recent story on here about someone who got made a pass at by a friend's wife, and the target taped it. When the friend's wife got pissy at his rejection of her, and claimed he made a play at her to get her H mad (or something like that), the guy played the tape. It eventually led to the H learning his wife was a serial cheater. Had the target not had that, he may have gotten his @ss kicked.


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## lowcal (Dec 23, 2013)

Are you married? IMO your own wife is more important than some friend you just made. Tell her about what this woman did to you. Not sure why you and other posters worry more about keeping the peace with your friend and this woman than how your wife feels.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

lowcal said:


> Are you married? IMO your own wife is more important than some friend you just made. Tell her about what this woman did to you. Not sure why you and other posters worry more about keeping the peace with your friend and this woman than how your wife feels.


I edited my post.

That's a good idea, especially if the wives know each other. It sounds like he is trying to avoid escalating drama. 

Well, at the very least, he could always show his wife this post on TAM if for some reason she doubted him.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Thanks for all the advice so far. So far I have been deflecting / minimizing, and if she continues, I like workindad's approach. 

I'm not married, but not single. I'm divorced (due to ex's infidelity), so obviously I have a real distaste for it. I have had the same girlfriend (whom this chick knows about) for a couple years now. She's great, but we kinda stay at arm's length. I will never remarry or even cohabitate with a partner again. 

Basically, she added me on FB shortly after I became friends with her H, and before she met me in person. She started liking and commenting on things here and there. A few weeks ago, the H and I took our kids to do our sport together, but she didn't come along. As soon as our kids met and still before we had met in person, the PMs started coming from her, quickly ramping up to several per day. She was just kinda chatting and maybe oversharing, but nothing negative about her H or any flirting. 

She invited us to a play date last weekend, but when I get there it was just her and her youngest (who's very close in age to my kid). Again no overt flirting, but she was made up, overdressed and seemed nervous. This was the first time we'd met in person. She talked a lot about a topic that she figured out is a small part of my life, but her husband isn't into. Later, she PM'd me to tell me she wouldn't tell her H about it because he just rolls his eyes, implying that I shouldn't mention it either. Then, right after I posted this thread last night, she stepped it up a bit. I got a PM from her that just said "I appreciate you. " I haven't responded. 

I don't want to just end my friendship with them. They live a few blocks from me, our kids get along great so far, we all share a sport I love, H is very successful and I could see doing business with him, and they own a large, beautiful piece of land that I now have an open invitation to use.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Thanks for all the advise so far. So far I have been deflecting / minimizing, and if she continues, I like workindad's approach.
> 
> I'm not married, but not single. I'm divorced (due to ex's infidelity), so obviously I have a real distaste for it. I have had the same girlfriend (whom this chick knows about) for a couple years now. She's great, but we kinda stay at arm's length. I will never remarry or even cohabitate with a partner again.
> 
> ...


Play it cool like you have been she'll get the message.
Sorry about your xw and that experience.


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## lowcal (Dec 23, 2013)

That sounds more like just being friendly than fishing. Is she a friendly person in general?

I think you handled it well. Nevertheless, keep being polite and stay alert for any further advances.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

As a married woman, I never set up play dates with single dudes. My kids were small a long time ago but have times changed so much? Sorry, that's just weird.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Run Forest Run...... 


I mean Ontherocks. 

I would just walk away all together. You don't want anything to do with this situation when it all comes down. I would just avoid anymore events or contact with them. 

Clay


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I really can't tell if she's just really friendly, fishing, or they're swingers. That's part of why I posted this. And as a victim of infidelity, of course my radar is up at all times. 

I don't see anything wrong with play dates, but this one had a weird vibe for me, given the circumstances.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far. So far I have been deflecting / minimizing, and if she continues, I like workindad's approach.
> 
> I'm not married, but not single. I'm divorced (due to ex's infidelity), so obviously I have a real distaste for it. I have had the same girlfriend (whom this chick knows about) for a couple years now. She's great, but we kinda stay at arm's length. I will never remarry or even cohabitate with a partner again.
> 
> ...



Yeah...umm..she's totally crossed the line and sounds desperate for an EA for starters. You have to put it all out on the table and tell her that you are hating cheaters and would sooner die than do that to someone. She'll get it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

That's a good idea. The best way to get my point across might be to share my story with her. Then again, cheaters by nature have a very hard time being objective about their own intentions.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> Later, she PM'd me to tell me she wouldn't tell her H about it because he just rolls his eyes, implying that I shouldn't mention it either. Then, right after I posted this thread last night, she stepped it up a bit. I got a PM from her that just said "I appreciate you. " I haven't responded.
> 
> I don't want to just end my friendship with them.


Hey, guys of TAM, I guess I missed this part in my first reading. This is NOT a woman being friendly...she's fishing. Do not be confused!

Whether they are swingers or not, I'm guess the OP's GF would probably not appreciate this in any way, shape or form. 

Do not text this woman. Do not PM this woman. Heck, if you feel bad to unfriend her, you can change settings so she doesn't see your new posts...and then can't "like" or comment on them. Shut it down yesterday!!!!

I don't hold out much hope for the friendship and use of the property. It comes with too high of a price tag.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Or you could be blunt and tell her to stop in a direct but friendly way if she the no means yes type then maintain space at all time when meeting and if it gets to out of hand tell the husband directly or indirectly like make an off hand comment like wow man your wife can be awfully friendly sometimes


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree, it seemed to cross the line, but being a guy I can't tell where the line is for women. The way women talk to each other as friends (I love you's, etc) is totally foreign to me.

The conversation is just much easier if they're swingers - they're being honest with each other, and have likely heard "thanks but I'm just not into that" a few times.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> Hey, guys of TAM, I guess I missed this part in my first reading. This is NOT a woman being friendly...she's fishing. Do not be confused!
> 
> Whether they are swingers or not, I'm guess the OP's GF would probably not appreciate this in any way, shape or form.
> 
> ...


I actually edited to add some of that detail, so it probably wasn't there when you read it the first time.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> Then, right after I posted this thread last night, she stepped it up a bit. I *got a PM from her that just said "I appreciate you*. " I haven't responded.




Stop any contact with her she is fishing and she probably done this before 



watch your six


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If you REALLY don't want things to turn into an affair

1. No play dates without her husband around
2. No FB chatting - PERIOD! In fact, you can turn off chat for her so she can't see when you are online
3. Stricter privacy for her on your posts - she doesn't need to know what goes on in your life like that. You are her H's friend, not hers. *Is he on your FB as a friend??*
4. When she is around, do not initiate conversation, do not sit/stand near her, avoid eye contact with her

If these things don't deter her at all you are going to need to tell her that you are not comfortable interacting with her unless her husband is around. 

And if THAT doesn't send the message, you are going to have to get more forceful with your boundaries! Loose boundaries are how affairs happen to begin with.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I just had a similar experience with a work colleague.

Long story short, it started out of the blue at our Christmas do. I was stood outside a bar our group (about 10 people) had been drinking in, talking to a few of my closer colleagues.

She comes up, a little drunk, throws her arms around me and starts telling me how great I am, I'm a wonderful man etc. etc. tries kissing me and I am literally stood there, arms outstretched saying - in a loud voice - "D***, you're a married woman". 

She starts with the "oh, but you're not and I really fancy you". Really intense stuff. She's good looking, but happily married.

This carried on for a good five minutes until I levered her off of me (difficult if they don't want to without touching any girly bits).

I don't know her husband at all, but told her this wasn't on - especially given that she knows what I've been through etc. etc.

A few weeks later, she starts asking me (by text) to go out for lunch. I ignored it for a bit, then she tried again just last week when she was on a day off.

I had already tried telling her to back off and that, because she was married, there was zero chance of anything - even "just lunch".

I rang her. Read her the riot act. Would her husband be happy about this. How could she be doing this when she knows what I've been through and how I feel about all of this thing anyway.

"I still fancy you though Chris". She says. As though she just. Doesn't. Get. It.

I let her know that, if there's one more peep from her, I will go to her husband. 

If I knew him, I would have told him by now but I don't so it would be easy to make me out to be some deluded creep (ok, ok!). I've told a few close work colleagues too.

Hopefully that's enough.

tl;dr: I told a forward work colleague to back off and that I won't tolerate something that even *looks* like it might not be 100% ok.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Also, only make plans with the husband. IF she contacts you for anything, respond by contacting the husband. 

If the husband never contacts you, well, then he was never interested in being your friend anyway. 

Either friend the husband on FB or defriend her. Maybe you should de friend her anyway. 

Don't go out with them as a couple unless you are part of a couple as well.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

OnTheRocks I might be wrong but based on what you described about them I think this might be a *hot wife type couple* the husband might be aware of all of this and endorsing her to push further. If this is not your cup of tea I would be careful around them aka don't get drunk at their house.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

xakulax said:


> OnTheRocks I might be wrong but based on what you described about them I think this might be a *hot wife type couple* the husband might be aware of all of this and endorsing her to push further. If this is not your cup of tea I would be careful around them aka don't get drunk at their house.


I might be missing something here, but it looks more like a "wife with the hots for you and husband has no idea the poor sap" type couple...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I might be missing something here, but it looks more like a "wife with the hots for you and husband has no idea the poor sap" type couple...


Sigh that's what it sounds like so far.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Chris989 said:


> I might be missing something here, but it looks more like a "wife with the hots for you and husband has no idea the poor sap" type couple...


Either way it's bad news


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

After a little thought, and a nice sandwich for lunch, I feel you should message the H and say, "My kids enjoyed the playdate with {wife's name} last weekend, but I was disappointed that you didn't come. Make sure you join us next time so we can talk about {insert your sport name here}".

If they are swingers, the message will get to both. If they are not swingers, you look like an honest guy not trying to bang the wife. Also, it gives him a heads up. It's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you appreciate the same courtesy?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> After a little thought, and a nice sandwich for lunch, I feel you should message the H and say, "My kids enjoyed the playdate with {wife's name} last weekend, but I was disappointed that you didn't come. Make sure you join us next time so we can talk about {insert your sport name here}".
> 
> If they are swingers, the message will get to both. If they are not swingers, you look like an honest guy not trying to bang the wife. Also, it gives him a heads up. It's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you appreciate the same courtesy?


:iagree:


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> After a little thought, and a nice sandwich for lunch, I feel you should message the H and say, "My kids enjoyed the playdate with {wife's name} last weekend, but I was disappointed that you didn't come. Make sure you join us next time so we can talk about {insert your sport name here}".
> 
> If they are swingers, the message will get to both. If they are not swingers, you look like an honest guy not trying to bang the wife. Also, it gives him a heads up. It's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you appreciate the same courtesy?


I like the idea, but I think it's asking for trouble of some sort. Sounds a bit like you're taunting him somehow, or even a swinger yourself.

I would tell the wife that you're uncomfortable and outline why.

Tell her you learned a lot about opposite sex relationships (when at least one is committed to someone else) when your SO cheated.

How it can *look* wrong and how, even though you *know* there is _not even a hint of anything of that nature_, you would rather not have a close friendship with a married woman. Too many painful memories, triggers etc.

Then, if she carries on just stick to your guns: husband present, or no meeting. No FB chat, no texts etc.

IMO it keeps any potential awkward situations to a minimum and means there is a logical path for you then to involve her husband if she persists. It also doesn't make it so that she can make out you were trying it on with her and now trying to cover your tracks.

This is very dodgy ground you are on.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

At first I was all for ignoring and changing the subject. Now I think the direct approach may be necessary. you'll lose out on friend for sure...but it's probably for the best.

That last line she wrote about appreciating you is trolling for an EA. You need to cancel her flight so to speak.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

yeah_right said:


> After a little thought, and a nice sandwich for lunch, I feel you should message the H and say, "My kids enjoyed the playdate with {wife's name} last weekend, but I was disappointed that you didn't come. Make sure you join us next time so we can talk about {insert your sport name here}".
> 
> If they are swingers, the message will get to both. If they are not swingers, you look like an honest guy not trying to bang the wife. Also, it gives him a heads up. It's the right thing to do. Wouldn't you appreciate the same courtesy?


This is better.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far. So far I have been deflecting / minimizing, and if she continues, I like workindad's approach.
> 
> I'm not married, but not single. I'm divorced (due to ex's infidelity), so obviously I have a real distaste for it. I have had the same girlfriend (whom this chick knows about) for a couple years now. She's great, but we kinda stay at arm's length. I will never remarry or even cohabitate with a partner again.
> 
> ...



Are you really going to put yourself in a potential mine field that could damage two families just for your own self interest.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

The multiple PMs per day and the play date without her husband say to me she's fishing.



vi_bride04 said:


> If you REALLY don't want things to turn into an affair
> 
> 1. No play dates without her husband around
> 2. No FB chatting - PERIOD! In fact, you can turn off chat for her so she can't see when you are online
> ...


I agree with vi_bride04 here. If she does PM, text or email, you can reply but ALWAYS copy her husband on EVERY MESSAGE.
I highly doubt she cc:ed her husband on her little, "I appreciate you" message. How would she like it if you forwarded that message to her husband?

Just make it clear that your friendship is with the husband and you want to hang out with him.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

That's good advice assuming the husband doesn't know but what if he does I think the best way to handle this would be to talk to the husband first or at lest maintain space from her.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yes she is definitely fishing

and her buy telling you not to mention to her husband about her hobby is a sign to you that she can keep things quiet.

I do know about the swinger or hot wife thing. I really do not think this is the case.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

convert said:


> yes she is definitely fishing
> 
> and her buy telling you not to mention to her husband about her hobby is a sign to you that she can keep things quiet.




If thats the case then we have a real winner on are hands what kind sane woman act this way to a man she only meet once and now after one meeting which I am sure as you look back on it felt more like date than any thing she tell you she appreciate you. hotwife, crazywife swinger, doesn't matter what does matter is that you treat this situation carefully and with caution.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

The next time you're with her or them, excuse yourself to empty your colostomy bag.

Problem solved!


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

MrHappyHat said:


> The next time you're with her or them, excuse yourself to empty your colostomy bag.
> 
> Problem solved!


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

FTW!!!

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yeah, ask them if they know a good treatment for crabs because you are itching "something fierce".


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Nostromo said:


> Are you really going to put yourself in a potential mine field that could damage two families just for your own self interest.


Bite me, noob. I'm just here asking for help.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You need to be very careful. Even if nothing happens, it can look like something did. Just the playdate alone has me shaking my head. If I found out my wife invited a guy over for a playdate, I'd have hit the roof. Those chat messages are cached in her Facebook--what if her husband comes across them?

There was a thread on the board recently from someone who tried to spurn the advances of a friend's girlfriend. She straight up told him to agree to it or else she'd say that he came onto her. Fortunately, he was able to get a recorder and get her to reiterate her threat. What are you going to do if she gets caught and says you were coming onto her and pressuring her?

Unfriend her, don't respond to any of her emails, etc. Be polite around her, but make it clear that you're not playing along.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

OTR,

You'll get lots of comments. Just ignore the ones that are from left field.

No one here is trying to yank you around. 

It's clear this woman has the hots for you and you have an invitation. I mean, it must have crossed your mind at least that you could follow through.

I admire you for coming on her to get precision help.

It seems like you've gotten enough advice here.

If you "Heisman" her enough, she may eventually realize it was just a passing crush. If you value the friendship with the H enough, perhaps it is worth it just to keep a solid deflection game going until she drops it. If she keeps revealing her feelings in a forward manner, then you know how to put a stop to it. Maybe she'll get embarrassed, but not enough to make things haywire for all. People have attractions.. they come and go. It depends on what you are comfortable dealing with, and if you are comfortable being friends with this guy knowing what you know and not letting him know. 

What do you think is the best course of action at this point?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Rocks, I don't know your story but I know you mentioned in this thread that your marriage ended due to your wife's infidelity.

Put yourself into the husband's place right now. Would you want someone to tactfully give you a wake up call? I do think it can be done so that you don't look like the aggressor. Believe me, if the H ever learns about the playdate or private messages from anyone other than you...YOU will be the bad guy. It will spread to your other sports friends. You might be quietly shunned by the other guys.

I can assure you the wife will not admit to starting anything. She will say you hit on her and she didn't know how to react.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

wilson said:


> You need to be very careful. Even if nothing happens, it can look like something did. Just the playdate alone has me shaking my head. If I found out my wife invited a guy over for a playdate, I'd have hit the roof. Those chat messages are cached in her Facebook--what if her husband comes across them?
> 
> There was a thread on the board recently from someone who tried to spurn the advances of a friend's girlfriend. She straight up told him to agree to it or else she'd say that he came onto her. Fortunately, he was able to get a recorder and get her to reiterate her threat. What are you going to do if she gets caught and says you were coming onto her and pressuring her?
> 
> Unfriend her, don't respond to any of her emails, etc. Be polite around her, but make it clear that you're not playing along.


A playdate in and of itself can be totally innocent.

It's the entrapment/attraction game she was pulling which makes it a future no-go.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> Rocks, I don't know your story but I know you mentioned in this thread that your marriage ended due to your wife's infidelity.
> 
> Put yourself into the husband's place right now. Would you want someone to tactfully give you a wake up call? I do think it can be done so that you don't look like the aggressor. Believe me, if the H ever learns about the playdate or private messages from anyone other than you...YOU will be the bad guy. It will spread to your other sports friends. You might be quietly shunned by the other guys.
> 
> I can assure you the wife will not admit to starting anything. She will say you hit on her and she didn't know how to react.


No one knows that for sure. That's the worst case scenario.

She could likely tell her H that it was just friendly talk, and downplay any motive. 

The OP has not responded to the FB chat. There's no evidence of rapport.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> Rocks, I don't know your story but I know you mentioned in this thread that your marriage ended due to your wife's infidelity.
> 
> Put yourself into the husband's place right now. Would you want someone to tactfully give you a wake up call? I do think it can be done so that you don't look like the aggressor. Believe me, if the H ever learns about the playdate or private messages from anyone other than you...*YOU will be the bad guy. It will spread to your other sports friends. You might be quietly shunned by the other guys.*
> 
> *I can assure you the wife will not admit to starting anything. She will say you hit on her and she didn't know how to react.*


Yup - she will follow the cheaters script and of course it will be YOUR fault not hers. YOU came onto her, YOU crossed the boundaries...she did nothing wrong at all.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

staystrong said:


> No one knows that for sure. That's the worst case scenario.
> 
> She could likely tell her H that it was just friendly talk, and downplay any motive.
> 
> The OP has not responded to the FB chat. *There's no evidence of rapport.*


Not sure of the kids ages involved, but what if one of them says "Hey Daddy, tell Mommy to take us again to meet that nice man in the park."


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

wilson said:


> You need to be very careful. Even if nothing happens, it can look like something did. Just the playdate alone has me shaking my head. If I found out my wife invited a guy over for a playdate, I'd have hit the roof. Those chat messages are cached in her Facebook--what if her husband comes across them?
> 
> There was a thread on the board recently from someone who tried to spurn the advances of a friend's girlfriend. She straight up told him to agree to it or else she'd say that he came onto her. Fortunately, he was able to get a recorder and get her to reiterate her threat. What are you going to do if she gets caught and says you were coming onto her and pressuring her?
> 
> Unfriend her, don't respond to any of her emails, etc. Be polite around her, but make it clear that you're not playing along.


All of this concerns me as well, and it's why I'm here. I am liking the sound of PMing her on FB with something along the lines of what Chris989 suggested earlier... 

"W,

Maybe I'm completely misreading the situation here, but due to my past I am very sensitive to male/female relationship dynamics, and I feel like you and I both may be crossing some boundaries that I'm not okay with...."

Any suggestions for the rest of it? 

This will do a couple things: it will hopefully let her down early and as easy as possible, and it will place a record in both of our chat logs, in case her H found it and/or she tried to pull some blameshifting nonsense later.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> Not sure of the kids ages involved, but what if one of them says "Hey Daddy, tell Mommy to take us again to meet that nice man in the park."


Exactly. The kids are almost 6. I hope she was upfront with her H about the playdate the other day, at least. Surely she'd consider that kids blab.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> I am liking the sound of PMing her on FB with something along the lines of...
> 
> "I feel like you and I both may be crossing some boundaries that I'm not okay with...."


No no NO! I hate the idea of using FB to do this. Nothing in writing that can come back to bite you (anything that could be misconstrued by her husband). "We are crossing boundaries" -- um, sorry, but her husband could misinterpret the message entirely.

Anything that needs to be said should be said *in person*. Then she can't twist the story, tell people that you're way out of line, and forward your message to friends and acquaintances, making you look guilty in any way.

Like they say, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Don't give her any ammo to pass along to others.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I feel that I don't know H well enough yet to just come right out with this to him. But, depending on how hard she pushes, I would definitely tell him even if it meant the end of the friendship.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and I was friends with H on FB first, that's how she added me.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> No no NO! I hate the idea of using FB to do this. Nothing in writing that can come back to bite you (anything that could be misconstrued by her husband). "We are crossing boundaries" -- um, sorry, but her husband could misinterpret the message entirely.
> 
> Anything that needs to be said should be said *in person*. Then she can't twist the story, tell people that you're way out of line, and forward your message to friends and acquaintances, making you look guilty in any way.
> 
> Like they say, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Don't give her any ammo to pass along to others.


I see your point, it is kinda cryptic / suggestive if read out of context. I'm open to suggestions on actual content of a notice letter like that. I would defnitely prefer to have it in writing somewhere, though, and the chat log seems like a good place, mainly in case her H snoops and finds it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't know that you have to do anything so overt at this point to shut it down. The stuff that's happened can be taken both ways. Just ignore any sort of communication from her. If she asks about it, say you never check facebook or email. Unfriend her, or at least turn off chat so she can't see you online. Put her in the Restricted group so she won't see your activity. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Distance yourself from the husband for a while. I have a feeling she'll move on shortly. But if she doesn't, then you may need to confront more directly.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, I see your point. But don't put anything in writing about anything that may imply the TWO of you are doing something.

Put it all on her... something along the lines of "I may be misinterpreting this, but I am getting a vibe from you that you may be interested in me. I just want to be clear that I am committed to my partner and would never consider anything outside of that relationship. Forgive me if I have misunderstood."

Obviously, you will have to fine tune that, but it needs to be very DIRECT and clearly stated that it is something clearly coming from HER end, not yours.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I had sort of the same thing happen by a SAHM. She wanted to do play dates during the day when her husband was out. Then some mundane texts. 

Thing is, once you communicate that you are not interested she will just move on to the next guy. And if you inform husband of the way she talks to you it may backfire and he may look at you as the guilty party because his wife is more interested in you than she is with him. It's definitly a slippery slope. 

I would just let her know it a round about way you are not interested. Don't reply to messages. No play dates alone. She will get the hint. 

Just sucks for her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Also, I tend to agree with what Wilson and jerry just posted.

Personally, if it were me, I would never respond to her texts (but keep them all for proof), restrict her from seeing your posts on FB, don't return calls. But that's just me. Just ignore her advances and I think it will stop.

Just so you know, I am a woman, and I definitely think your instincts are correct -- she is pursuing you. I would never send "I appreciate you" to another man. Unless it was my dad or brother :scratchhead:


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

And I think you make a good point, OTR. 

I think if you go the FB route, just be short and always mention her husband. Ignore all invitations. "My kids enjoyed the playdate. Say hi to Husband for me." Polite, walls up. If you don't respond at all, it could be an unnecessary rudeness which could spill over to how she talks about you to her husband.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I definitely don't think it's escalated enough to send her such a notice yet, but I'd like to have something ready just in case. For now I plan to keep up the deflection and aloof, minimalist responses. 

Thanks for all the input. I love this place.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> Bite me, noob. I'm just here asking for help.


 nice. When this blows up in your face don't say nobody warned you.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You offer no constructive help, and choose instead to just take a potshot at my character based on a few paragraphs trying to explain my situation, and you don't expect a response like that?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> I definitely don't think it's escalated enough to send her such a notice yet, but I'd like to have something ready just in case. For now I plan to keep up the deflection and aloof, minimalist responses.
> 
> Thanks for all the input. I love this place.


I think that's a good plan.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> You offer no constructive help, and choose instead to just take a potshot at my character based on a few paragraphs trying to explain my situation, and you don't expect a response like that?


Sir your on a message board about adultery and the inevitable chaos that comes with it, and you don't expect somebody to take umbrage with the fact that you were contemplating and appears to have now decided to continue seeing a married woman who flirts with you behind her husbands back rather than telling her husband or even just finding a new friend.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Anyway...


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Nostromo said:


> Sir your on a message board about adultery and the inevitable chaos that comes with it, and you don't expect somebody to take umbrage with the fact that you were contemplating and appears to have now decided to continue seeing a married woman who flirts with you behind her husbands back rather than telling her husband or even just finding a new friend.




We are to give advice, personal experiences, or help.

We are not here to harp on people or do the opposite of the said above.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

xakulax said:


> We are to give advice, personal experiences, or help.
> 
> We are not here to harp on people or do the opposite of the said above.


Amen, brother. :iagree:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

FWIW, the aloof, minimal responses is what sounds best to me. And politely decline future playdates - just say you have other plans.

Eventually, she'll get bored.

Then just stick with the sports stuff with the dude.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

xakulax said:


> We are to give advice, personal experiences, or help.
> 
> We are not here to harp on people or do the opposite of the said above.


I thought my advice was pretty clear in my post, I think he should either.

1. Tell this new friend "His wife has quickly started working the script of a cheater on me - trying to isolate, escalate, etc." as the OP stated in his first post.
or
2. Extradite himself from the situation and find a new friend.

Anything else is asking for trouble in my opinion.

But if an opposing view is not welcome here I will just stop posting on this thread. Fair enough?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Several others posted the same opinion (RUN!!), but managed to do it without sounding snarky, presuming my intentions, or attacking my character. Tip: work on your written communication skills.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You make a good point re texting her H. Too much time may have passed by now for that not to seem a little weird, though. No, I have not flirted back, and I don't think anything would look bad, but you never know. Just exchanging PMs with someone can look bad. 

The good news is that she hasn't contacted me at all today. Maybe she's already gotten the hint, or maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. Maybe she really was just being friendly, and my baggage makes me see things differently.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This has all happened fairly quickly (within a month), but the play date thing was almost a week ago now. Seems weird to text the H about that at this point, like I'm planting info or something. 

I am just going to lay low for a while. I'm leaving town this Sat to go snowboarding for over a week, so that should provide plenty of time gap.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> You make a good point re texting her H. Too much time may have passed by now for that not to seem a little weird, though. No, I have not flirted back, and I don't think anything would look bad, but you never know. Just exchanging PMs with someone can look bad.
> 
> The good news is that she hasn't contacted me at all today. Maybe she's already gotten the hint, or maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. Maybe she really was just being friendly, and my baggage makes me see things differently.


Uh uh. She wasn't just being friendly. But glad it seems to have fizzled out. I can't believe how obvious she is being actually, especially the part about insisting on some hobby that her husband wasn't interested in, but that you were?

Anyway, it's clear that she is missing something in her relationship or in herself, that's why she's seeking you out. As another poster said, she will probably move on to someone else.

Maybe as a friend, you could say something to her H so that they have a chance to work on things? I don't know, I'm extrapolating and thinking out loud...


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

She was being fairly obvious, but the hobby her H wasn't interested in was just a topic that came up in conversation. It's something I'm not into, but a family member is way into, and she was intrigued. I think that part was genuine interest on her part, not game play. 

Since infidelity left such a scar on me, I'm sure it'll come up as H and I get to know each other better, drink beer around a campfire, etc. I will definitely clue him in on red flags, MMSL, etc.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

The answer to this one is simple, surely. Just engineer a conversation where infidelity comes up (you can just make up a 'friend' who is having problems in this area). Say how much you abhor people who do that stuff. Even stretch the fake story to suggest you have advised the friend to expose the affair etc. Unless she is a psychopath, it's highly unlikely she will continue chasing.

The swingers thing is a red herring. I actually know a couple of swinging couples, and the one thing they do value in that 'community' is transparency between partners - everything they do is a joint thing, even if its with other people. So this sounds a million miles away from that situation.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Time for an update... She texted and PM'd me a couple times right around when I was leaving on my trip, saying to have a good time, talking a bit about the 'secret interest', etc, and commented on a couple pics I posted on FB from the first few days of my trip. I didn't respond to anything for like 11 days. She PM'd me again last night, saying welcome home etc, and said 'hope I didn't spook you' about the secret hobby stuff. 

My response was 'Nah, just been super busy since I got home. In general terms, though, I don't want to build up a big stash of secrets with a friend's wife.' And then went on about missing my kid while I was gone, and maybe getting together with her husband this weekend. 

She played it cool and didn't say much more. Hopefully this got the point across.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

That may get it done. Keep us posted.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Time for an update... She texted and PM'd me a couple times right around when I was leaving on my trip, saying to have a good time, talking a bit about the 'secret interest', etc, and commented on a couple pics I posted on FB from the first few days of my trip. I didn't respond to anything for like 11 days. She PM'd me again last night, saying welcome home etc, and said 'hope I didn't spook you' about the secret hobby stuff.
> 
> My response was 'Nah, just been super busy since I got home. In general terms, though, I don't want to build up a big stash of secrets with a friend's wife.' And then went on about missing my kid while I was gone, and maybe getting together with her husband this weekend.
> 
> She played it cool and didn't say much more. Hopefully this got the point across.


You scored one for the good guys there. Good job!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If she doesn't get that hint you are in for trouble because that will say she is totally infatuated with you and won't stop til the 'final solution' has been realised in whatever form that takes! 

If she doesn't take that huge hint, time to get the 2x4 out!


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