# I'm so distraught and confused



## JadedAlly (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this site and notice the outpour of support and advice from others in my same situation and figured I'd give this a try, so here goes!

In the beginning of 2008, I lost both of my parents, followed by a boyfriend. I was not interested in a relationship at all and then all the sudden, I meet this man who ends up becoming my husband. He was my saving grace and brought me out of dark hole. I lived in PA and he was a student there, but was originally from GA.

Time went by and he was planning to move back to GA after graduation but I couldn't be without him. So, I made the decision to live PA and move to GA with him so that we could build a future together. I left what family I had left and all my friends in PA. We married in 2009.

When we arrived to GA, neither of us had a job and we were living off of my inheritance. It took my husband about 3 months to find a job and at one point, I told him that he was not a man because he wasn't doing much to try and look for a job. I got tired of being the one paying for everything and him not doing anything to make the situation better. Eventually, the well went dry and all my inheritance was used up. We had no safety net, no cushion, no nothing. On top of that, my husband, who is the oldest of 4 kids was looked at like a father figure to the younger siblings since there was a 16 year age difference between himself and the youngest so, needless to say, his siblings were at our home ALL the time. He spent a great deal of time with them and I was sort of pushed off to the wayside. I felt abandoned and neglected. His family had each other, but I only had him in Georgia. I knew nothing else. This move was so difficult for me and on top of still dealing with my parents death, not being able to find jobs, having my inheritance almost gone, and having a husband who basically abandoned me was so hard to deal with, but I did.

As time went by, we would argue. I was so resentful of him. He in turn was resentful of me because I had told him he was not a man and felt emasculated apparently. People say things when they are angry and hurt and though telling he was not a man was unacceptable, it was something said out of anger......but he still holds on to this.

About 2 months ago, he told me that he's not sure if he wants to be married. We tried to live in the same house for a month. He was sleeping ont he couch. I went back to PA for a wedding and while I was there, I learned he had applied for an apartment but didn't get it. He never told me anything about this. As the days went by, things got weirder and weirder between us and I was walking on egg shells. He wouldn't acknowledge my presence unless I said something to him first.

I started going to counseling and that seemed to be helping and I've also asked him to go and he has refused. I feel that if he loved me and really want to try to work things out, which he recently said, that he would go. More time went by and nothing improved, so I asked him to move out because I just can't live with someone who doesn't treat me like a human being.

We've now been separated and living apart for a month and it's horrible. I hate it. I'm crying all the time and it hurts so bad. I love this man so much and to know that he doesn't love me the way he use to kills me. We sat down last night to discuss the current state of our relationship and he wanted us to write down things that bothered each other about the other. He told me that we're better significant others than as a married couple (whatever that means) and he denies the fact that he abandoned me and doesn't feel that he did that to me. 

After our meeting, I became extremely angry and now, I feel like there is no hope whatsoever and feel like I should pursue a divorce though this is something I desperately do not want even though I'm not sure what else to do. I just feel like he has no interest in trying to work on things at this point and I just don't know how to deal with any of it. We have no children, which many people do so the advice I see sometimes doesn't apply to my situation. Can anyone out there give me some feedback or help with this situation. I feel like I'm just dying inside.


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## Zomb (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Jade, sorry to hear your story. In my opinion the first thing you have to do is lowering your emotions a bit. You both went through a tough time recently, so you both might be full of resentment at the moment. When things get tough some couples start to fight instead of supporting each other (that happen to me and my ex)... But that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it is only that you took the wrong approach to your shared troubles...

I consider you should keep your separation for a while.. A short but planed separation could be useful for couples when bad feelings are escalating (maybe 2 or 3 months would be fine). Offer your husband a plan to get closer again. Try dating every weekend and do not talk about your troubles for a while. After some weeks you might see things differently and you could both start to talk again about what is bothering you about the other. Even if he doesnt want to work in the relationship at the moment doesn’t mean he will not want to do it in a couple of weeks.

Keep going to counseling, may be your husband will get motivated to go with you if you keep doing it.

Just one more thing, if you consider you made a mistake attacking your husband continuously, you should be a bit more sympathetic to his felling of rejection toward you. For us men, it is unacceptable and offensive that our woman hurt our manhood, you should know that. The only way to reverse that is to do the opposite you did. Try to make him feel appreciated and respected again telling him you made a mistake and that you actually apreciate him. 

Best of the luck.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

He helped spend all your inheritance and now he left. Really?? Maybe you should go home for awhile? Im sorry your here. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
Read this. Your on the fence and its a sh!TTy place to be. You need to take some action to either fix the marriage or get divorced. If he doesn't want to partake in fixing the marriage then you need to prepare for divorce. It's probably a good idea to prepare for divorce anyways. Sometimes, if they see these moves towards divorce they change their ways. Someone who wants to be married to you will try to fix the marriage. He would go to councilling with you. Being "on the fence" will get you no where but hurt. It sounds like you've tried dating him and its going nowhere and more importantly your miserable. If you can get him to go to counciling you have a chance. How does his family treat you? Can you be with them at all? Do they support you at all? Do they know whats going on between you two?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are in this situation. We all tend to sound like broken records here but we speak from experience.

You seem too focused on him and that is holding you back. You need to focus on yourself and do the 180. This will help you move towards whatever your future will be.

One thing that I have not seen mentioned here is an approach where you focus on the good things in your marriage as you do counseling rather than throwing darts at each other. You can do this solo or with your spouse if they are willing.

Get back to focusing on you, it works wonders,
Stretch


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