# Sex life after children advice



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

So, my wife and I recently had our 2nd child. We are getting close to the moment where we can start initiating in sex again if the mood strkes. There are a few problems though. My wife's sex drive is lacking. After our first child, we didn't have sex for close to a year, and it was very infrequent after that until we decided on trying for our second child. We conceived very quickly the second time. Go figure, right?

Basically, in the last several years, we have rarely had sex for other purposes then to conceive. We have decided that two is enough, and I am wondering if I am ever going to have sex again. 

Here are some of the problems:

The obvious of having 2 young children and lacking the alone time.

My wife has a very low sex drive. She claims that it has nothing to do with me, but she has very little desire for sex or any sort of intimacy for that matter.

A problem on my end is that infrequent sex seems to effect my performance in regards to generla performance and time I last. I sometimes feel like i am a virgin again when we have gone really long stretches.

I feel like her lack of desire and my performance due to very long lay-offs is kind of a double-edged sword , as she isn't receiving her desired satisfaction nor am I due to the fact I feel like I am receiving obligatory sex on the rare times it happens.

I love my wife dearly. She is my best friend and I enjoy my time around her, but I want to have a healthy sex life. I want to feel like more then best friends who decided to have a couple kids together and call it good.

So,I am asking for a little advice as I have been thinking of ways to improve our sex life for quite some while.

My wife and I are both fairly conservative when it comes to sex. Her moreso then me. I have been thinking about adding a vibrator to the mix and was asking for advice on the type or similar experiences to mine. I don't want anything to intimidating due to her lack of desire and conservative nature in bed, but I was thinking it could lead to a more pleasurable experience for her and ultimately bring the desire back that we once had to be intimate. My confidence is low because it is hard to beleive her lack of desire has nothing to do with me, even though it is possible that it could be something medical.

I hope this makes sense. I was just hoping for some advice as I don't want our sex life after our second child to resemble it after our first.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Look at this from her standpoint:
By agreeing to have a first child - when your sex life was not very good - you signaled that you were ok with a mediocre sex life. By agreeing to have a second child when your sex life had become almost non-existant you signaled that you were ok with a sexless marriage. 

Now you have a lot of "unconfusing" to do. Because she really does think you are "ok" with a sexless marriage. She won't "say it" but she believes it. I am not suggesting she thinks you are "happy" with it. She knows you aren't. But her experience to date is that you have continued to meet all her needs even though she is starving you sexually. 

My advice is to start by giving her a book. "His needs, her needs" is a good one. Nicely tell her that you are both going to prioritize the book and make sure to read it during the next week. And that after you read it, you are going to talk about what needs to happen in order to have the "good/healthy" marriage you both want. 

If she seems upset/defensive/anxious - just be straight with her. Explain that you have done a very poor job of communicating what YOU need from her in order to feel loved. 

That said - there are a few core "triggers" that cause a woman to want sex. 
1. lust (she doesn't have it - and that is really ok)
2. a sincere desire to please their partner (this can be an incredibly powerful driver and often becomes the dominant motivator over time in many healthy marriages)
3. a genuine desire to feel emotionally "close" to their partner

ALL of these can provide a solid basis for a healthy sex life. That said, if you are constantly expressing your love for a woman (over loving her), number 3 not only goes away, it works AGAINST you. In that situation she may feel you are already a little "too" close and sex almost makes it worse. And in fact over loving someone really reduces number 2. Because they are getting the impression from YOU, that they are already doing "plenty" to keep you happy since you constantly barrage them with attention, love and effort. 

While I think your idea to bring a vibrator in is good - the starting point for you is most likely to stop "over loving" her so that 2 and 3 cause her to WANT to work with you to come up with a sex life that is mutually satisfying. And that means you are going to have to slowly and steadily cut back on all the "loving" stuff - while still being friendly, upbeat, helpful with the babies etc. And you will need to do that until she starts coming to you for attention, love and yes intimacy. 

Does this make any sense? 















ARF said:


> So, my wife and I recently had our 2nd child. We are getting close to the moment where we can start initiating in sex again if the mood strkes. There are a few problems though. My wife's sex drive is lacking. After our first child, we didn't have sex for close to a year, and it was very infrequent after that until we decided on trying for our second child. We conceived very quickly the second time. Go figure, right?
> 
> Basically, in the last several years, we have rarely had sex for other purposes then to conceive. We have decided that two is enough, and I am wondering if I am ever going to have sex again.
> 
> ...


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

You'll have to sit down with your wife, perhaps find a babysitter and go out to dinner or something, and explain to your wife that sex is important. It is the only thing in a marriage that you CANNOT do with anyone else, that fact shows how important it is. You aren't asking for every night and twice on Sunday, but the current situation is UNACCEPTABLE. If she loves you, she'll have to meet you halfway. 
But some pointers from someone who had to learn alot of this the hard way.
- do not pressure her or berate her for not having sex with you or not feeling more amorous. This will make it worse, not better. Ideally, sex is a physical expression of love, not something you are forced or guilted into doing. 
- i hate obligatory sex as well, we all remember the days or times when our wives were just as hot for us a we were for them, but those days are bye-bye for now. look at obligatory sex as your wife showing how much she does love you, cause this is something that's not really a priority to her, but out of her love and desire to please you, she's doing it. so appreciate it. my wife knows i hate going shopping with her, but i do it, and she appreciates the act for what it is. 
- if she is naturally conservative in bed, slowly work in anything new you want to try, don't just spring some sex toy on her, that could freak her out. try to get into some type of routine or schedule on sex, than if that starts to go well, talk about new things you'd like to try and go from there. and don't expect crazy hot sex every time, a quickie is fine as long as it isn't all the time you have sex. hopefully she understands that at least sometimes, she'll have to step up "her game", if you catch my drift. 
- be romantic, be loving, help out around the house. you can't be a cold fish then expect your wife to suddenly turn into your personal porn star once the kids are sleeping. 

Hope this helps. Don't expect miracles - but if your wife does love you and does understand you, things will improve.
I understand all of this, I'm married with two young kids to a conservative woman with a low libido as well. And this subject is still a struggle and a work in progress. But we've learned a lot through trial-and-error.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think MEM is on target. The only thing I have to add is my female point of view about the vibrator. I would say at the beginning of working out the problem that you concentrate on making sex a priority, making time, reestablishing your sexual comfort and her comfort and working on mutual satisfaction. No vibrator yet. 

As a woman, I would want to know that the infrequency affects your performance so she know that you are building up to a level of performance that is good for both and the way it goes in the beginning will not last. That will take some of the pressure off of you. 

The vibrator and other things can come when things are in a groove. In my opinion, I would involve her in the purchase. There are many online sites that sell vibrators. I'd say it better not to surprise her with it.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Look at this from her standpoint:
> By agreeing to have a first child - when your sex life was not very good - you signaled that you were ok with a mediocre sex life. By agreeing to have a second child when your sex life had become almost non-existant you signaled that you were ok with a sexless marriage.
> 
> Now you have a lot of "unconfusing" to do. Because she really does think you are "ok" with a sexless marriage. She won't "say it" but she believes it. I am not suggesting she thinks you are "happy" with it. She knows you aren't. But her experience to date is that you have continued to meet all her needs even though she is starving you sexually.
> ...


I appreciate your input. There is some good advice.

I am a little confused about the "over-loving" statement. It is a good thought, and I probably didn't divulge enough info in that area. I do feel like I am a good father and husband. I am very active with the kids and do more then my share around the house. I treat my wife well, but would consider it "over-loving" or smothering.

You probably hit the nail on the head about me not communicating to her in regards to the lack of sex life prior to agreeing to trying for our second child.

Again thanks for the information and insight. It was very helpful.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

effess said:


> You'll have to sit down with your wife, perhaps find a babysitter and go out to dinner or something, and explain to your wife that sex is important. It is the only thing in a marriage that you CANNOT do with anyone else, that fact shows how important it is. You aren't asking for every night and twice on Sunday, but the current situation is UNACCEPTABLE. If she loves you, she'll have to meet you halfway.
> But some pointers from someone who had to learn alot of this the hard way.
> - do not pressure her or berate her for not having sex with you or not feeling more amorous. This will make it worse, not better. Ideally, sex is a physical expression of love, not something you are forced or guilted into doing.
> - i hate obligatory sex as well, we all remember the days or times when our wives were just as hot for us a we were for them, but those days are bye-bye for now. look at obligatory sex as your wife showing how much she does love you, cause this is something that's not really a priority to her, but out of her love and desire to please you, she's doing it. so appreciate it. my wife knows i hate going shopping with her, but i do it, and she appreciates the act for what it is.
> ...


Thanks for your input. I wasn't really planning on pulling out a vibrator without her know.

I was going to bring it up during our discussion as something I'd be willing to do for her to make the times we are intimate more satisfying to her.

It is nice to know that I am not alone, so thank you so much for sharing yor experience.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think MEM is on target. The only thing I have to add is my female point of view about the vibrator. I would say at the beginning of working out the problem that you concentrate on making sex a priority, making time, reestablishing your sexual comfort and her comfort and working on mutual satisfaction. No vibrator yet.
> 
> As a woman, I would want to know that the infrequency affects your performance so she know that you are building up to a level of performance that is good for both and the way it goes in the beginning will not last. That will take some of the pressure off of you.
> 
> The vibrator and other things can come when things are in a groove. In my opinion, I would involve her in the purchase. There are many online sites that sell vibrators. I'd say it better not to surprise her with it.


Good points!

Thanks and I am appreciative of the female point of view. I do need to tell her about the effect it has on my performance so thank you.


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