# Fibromyalgia



## Wad (9 mo ago)

My wife has had fibrmyalgia for the last 5 years. We have a 1o yr old son. I work full time and also have a small cattle farm. She does have a part time job helping a family member who has a resell shop. I do understand my workload has to increase due to her illness. But I get frustrated at times. I leave for work at 430 am. Arrive home 13 hours later. Then fix dinner. Do the dishes. Clean the kitchen. And help our child with homework. It seems she is usually too tired to help. The couch is her usual spot. She gets up to eat dinner then stays up until after midnight watching TV. If her parent calls about needing help she jumps up and goes. I know I'm being selfish but I get so irritated at times. Just needing to vent I think. How can I try to understand it better? I know all the facts of the disease, but how can I not get mad at times?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Wad said:


> My wife has had fibrmyalgia for the last 5 years. We have a 1o yr old son. I work full time and also have a small cattle farm. She does have a part time job helping a family member who has a resell shop. I do understand my workload has to increase due to her illness. But I get frustrated at times. I leave for work at 430 am. Arrive home 13 hours later. Then fix dinner. Do the dishes. Clean the kitchen. And help our child with homework. It seems she is usually too tired to help. The couch is her usual spot. She gets up to eat dinner then stays up until after midnight watching TV. If her parent calls about needing help she jumps up and goes. I know I'm being selfish but I get so irritated at times. Just needing to vent I think. How can I try to understand it better? I know all the facts of the disease, but how can I not get mad at times?


I think it's fair for you to be frustrated if she is doing nothing but watching tv. 
Even if it takes her all day to do something, that's a load off you. 
I don't think she's being fair.
Your frustration is, I believe, reasonable under the circumstances.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Wad said:


> My wife has had fibrmyalgia for the last 5 years. We have a 1o yr old son. I work full time and also have a small cattle farm. She does have a part time job helping a family member who has a resell shop. I do understand my workload has to increase due to her illness. But I get frustrated at times. I leave for work at 430 am. Arrive home 13 hours later. Then fix dinner. Do the dishes. Clean the kitchen. And help our child with homework. It seems she is usually too tired to help. The couch is her usual spot. She gets up to eat dinner then stays up until after midnight watching TV. If her parent calls about needing help she jumps up and goes. I know I'm being selfish but I get so irritated at times. Just needing to vent I think. How can I try to understand it better? I know all the facts of the disease, but how can I not get mad at times?


I agree with @jonty30 this seems like an unbalanced relationship even in spite of her limitations.

You should have "the talk" and let her know how it's making you feel. Tell her to put some effort into your life, rather than the way things are now.
There could even be some low-impact jobs that she could take that would make her life better and yours as well.
I don't know a bunch about fibromyalgia but I don't think it's debilitating, right?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Wad said:


> She gets up to eat dinner then stays up until after midnight watching TV. If her parent calls about needing help she jumps up and goes.


This is not due to fibromyalgia. While it is true that fibromyalgia can cause tiredness (and especially with some of the medications used to treat it), this is pure self-centeredness.
Your wife needs to expect more of herself.

You have every right to be mad. You understand the disease perfectly well. However, your wife is using her disease as a scapegoat to avoid responsibility and using you for a "chump".

Helping her parents is at a higher priority in her life than helping her own family, you, and your children. She is probably commiserated and mollycoddled by them. The source of her selfishness. Believe me, you will never change anything about a person they learned in the FOO.



BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don't think it's debilitating, right?


No. In fact, one of the best treatments for fibromyalgia is exercise. Natural pain killer.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TJW said:


> No. In fact, one of the best treatments for fibromyalgia is exercise. Natural pain killer.


Thanks, that's what I thought. So this OP-wife is just chillin' and blaming fibromyalgia. Ouch. Time to put your foot down OP.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If you wife has Truly has fibromyalgia, you should consider seeing a holistic-naprapathic physician.
Mrs.NLLH suffered from this until seeking alternative treatment. She has weekly massages, and changed her diet, and her health vastly improved. Exercise is crucial, too.

Now staying up past midnight......hmmmmm....solution for that is up to you.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Fibromyalgia sucks. Ask me how I know.

I haven't had much luck with typical treatment options (don't like being a guinea pig for drugs) but there are ways to deal with it better.

For example, it can also cause insomnia. When that happens, she would be best to avoid staying up watching TV (anything with a screen). It's better to read or something else not so stimulating, to hopefully get sleepy.

It causes a lot of pain and can also cause depression, which may be her issue now (with not wanting to do anything). That becomes self-perpetuating. She has to get moving.



TJW said:


> No. In fact, one of the best treatments for fibromyalgia is exercise. Natural pain killer.


While true to some degree, fibromyalgia is not something you can "push through." The pain and fatigue are real, and pushing too hard will often just shut you down longer.

It requires a balance, just like a good relationship does.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think your wife is being lazy and using Fibromyalgia as an excuse.

Strenuous exercise, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and other health life choices(no smoking/drinking) can make it a lot better.

In my opinion, most people, especially Americans, are unwilling to do the work to get healthier. The abovementioned things can help nearly every disease but most people are not willing to do the work. They just want a pill.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> I think your wife is being lazy and using Fibromyalgia as an excuse.


People with fibromyalgia are used to being accused of being lazy or malingering. Since it's an illness that people can't see, they don't get it. 

I have never been a lazy person. Still, there are times when it takes me most of the day just to get the laundry done. Sometimes, I have to pace myself or end up completely exhausted, literally passing out while trying to spend time with my husband after work. I want to get it all done quicker and move on to something else, but some days, it just ain't gonna happen.

I think this husband feels neglected and unappreciated more than anything. Maybe if the wife showed more appreciation and did her best to help out where/when she can, it would make a difference. 

Today, I made my husband a cheesecake to treat him, because he had a bad day at work. I guarantee he will be far more delighted by that gesture than he would if I folded the last load of laundry instead (it's just towels anyway, which I leave for last just in case, so I don't have to worry about wrinkles. I can fold them later this evening while watching TV).


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

The "problem" with a diagnosis like fibromyalgia, is that it's very undefined, and I think a lot of doctors, when they don't find a root cause for someone's complaints,, to get the patient off their back, they will apply the diagnosis...What that does is condemn a person into thinking that they have a condition that needs treatment and may debilitate them more than they already are.., they read all the internet stuff of peoples troubles, etc...The sad thing is that in a lot of cases, it then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy...or even psycho somatic...

I am in my 50's and worked hard over the course of my life...If I didn't work or do anything because I was feeling tired or in some form of pain, then I may as well just never leave the house and never do anything but lay around.....It's just understood that it's a part of aging and I will never feel like I did when I am in my 20's...>And I do really everything "right"..I eat right, exercise,don't drink or do drugs etc...Id imagine its worse for those that don't do these things...

I dunno....I know people don't want to hear it, but sometimes you _have to push yourself._..You aren't going to be comfortable, pain free, and care free like when you were a kid...If that is your goal, you are going to wind up in a constant state of disappointment and despair..\and this crap only gets worse with age and really is intensified if you don't take care of yourself..

I don't want to internet diagnose the OPs wife, who knows what her story really is, just relaying some life experience...There could also be another thing going on...She is depressed and is using the illness as a means of finding a reason and knows that you can't criticize her because she has this condition.....I don't know that, just something else to consider...


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> You aren't going to be comfortable, pain free, and care free like when you were a kid...If that is your goal, you are going to wind up in a constant state of disappointment and despair..\and this crap only gets worse with age and really is intensified if you don't take care of yourself..


Yep, I really fought against that diagnosis (and rarely discuss it) because I didn't want that label, didn't want to be looked at like the above post. It is what it is though.

I'm actually much better now than I was early on, now that I take better care of myself and avoid being a test rat for new medications and all those lovely side effects.

Unfortunately, I still have issues on occasion, despite people dancing around, trying to come up with nicer ways to claim "it's all in your head" or "you're lazy." 

Maybe it is something else or maybe there is a better diagnosis, but something is going on.

On the days I go to work, I come home, eat supper, and pass out. I try to stay awake. We even tried playing a game instead of watching TV, to be more active. I passed out during my turn. So, on the days I work I literally get to work, eat, and sleep, that's it. So fulfilling.

Yes, you have to push yourself, pretty much to do anything but give up. There's a difference between pushing yourself and trying to push through exhaustion to the point of making it worse.

It's not about average aches and pains or "just" being tired. If only.

I'll just chalk this up as a waste of time, trying to help the OP see the other side. Clearly, it's just going to be more of the same .. typical judgmental BS (like people who are told they have fm have never heard this stuff before) 

Have a nice day.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> People with fibromyalgia are used to being accused of being lazy or malingering. Since it's an illness that people can't see, they don't get it.
> 
> I have never been a lazy person. Still, there are times when it takes me most of the day just to get the laundry done. Sometimes, I have to pace myself or end up completely exhausted, literally passing out while trying to spend time with my husband after work. I want to get it all done quicker and move on to something else, but some days, it just ain't gonna happen.
> 
> ...


And you're handling with grace and consideration. Things the OPs W is lacking.


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