# Boundaries going into marriage



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Things are good here. We have agreed on when the wedding will be and talked about the effects of ladt year's episode on me and us. I feel very happy right now. We went to do the paperwork for the wedding and he said he was really excited now it's all coming together. Me too!

So why am I posting? I need to have a discussion with him about our boundaries going into marriage. We had something similar when we were doing counselling about our boundaries going forward, mainly due to the fact he had very poor ones. 

Some of them on my part will be that I will not accept any kind of physical contact with another woman. Nor confiding in another woman about our relationship. Nor opposite-sex friendships. You get the gist.

Two things...

1: If anyone has any suggestions as to appropriate boundaries I'd be interested. Stuff others have insisted on or found useful.

2: I have a feeling he will get defensive when I bring this up. I do not intend this to be a critique on past behaviour but an outline for BOTH of us on appropriate and inappropriate behaviours relating to the opposite sex. How can I open this discussion without it being full of negativity?
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Make it part of your marriage vows. Your promises to one another made during your wedding ceremony. Your vows are your boundaries, your rules of behaviour in the marriage.


So have a discussion about your marriage vows which is much less antagonistic than discussing boundaries that have penalties if crossed. Ask for his input first ala “What would you like in my marriage vows to you?”. And later he’s for sure to ask you the same.

Research “standard” marriage vows and see what others have done for themselves, see if what you want is in there at all. If not just create your own vows. But keep them short, apparently about 3 minutes during the ceremony.


It doesn’t get better than swearing oaths to each other during a marriage ceremony. But even then to some their vows mean everything while to others they mean nothing at all.


Plus we just don’t know what we’ll do if our husband or wife breaks a vow until they actually break it. So all the threats of “If you do that I’ll do this” are worthless plus they are exceptionally antagonistic and not the way to walk into a marriage.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

That's an interesting way of approaching it Bob.

To clarify very specifically...

I am motivated hugely by what OH did last year. During counselling one of the major topics we addressed was his lack of boundaries.

I feel we covered this well during the counselling. What led to the situation with this other woman was in part due to the fact he did not have or display personal boundaries with regard to our relationship. And as such he displayed behaviour that was construed by her as him being open to her advances.

Some of the boundaries we discussed within counselling are a direct result of what he did/didn't do back then. So for example, it is not acceptable to either of us for the other to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex except family or where necessary at his work, eg when he is working at someone's house and they are there. Also it is not acceptable to discuss our relationship with a member of the opposite sex. No opposite-sex friendships. That kind of stuff. We also discussed ways in which he could handle if he found himself in a questionable situation, so appropriate responses or behaviour to highlight his boundaries to others.

I mean, I like your idea but I'm not sure how I would say in my marriage vows, I know you have known your female friend H for years but I want to clarify that it is not acceptable married behaviour to me for you to spend any alone time with her...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Boundaries are individual and personal. You can't set HIS boundaries for him only he can do that. He sets his boundaries and you set yours. 

So in this scenario YOU are setting the boundary that YOU are not okay with opposite sex friends. Has nothing to do with him. You state it's a deal breaker (if it is) and then he gets to decide whether he agrees with it or not. This isn't an 'us' or 'our' type situation it's what YOU demand going into this relationship.

See how this works?

Anything 'we' or 'us' would be considered rules of engagement not boundaries.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Boundaries are a big deal in my relationship, too. It is what saved my sanity. My H and I do a book and workbook called Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It gives both parties a chance to share their side of the story and also take accountability for the contribution to the dysfunction. 

One thing I noticed in your boundaries is that it's bordering on being controlling. There's a lot of forging off the opposite sex to protect your heart. While I can understand the motivation for it just be careful that you're not enforcing boundaries to the point that you become controlling. They sound a little controlling. It's more important to create an environment where your H feels he can be himself then to push strict rules on him in order to protect yourself. If you push boundaries for the soul purpose of protecting yourself then what you will find is that your H will distances himself from you and then hides things.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Boundaries are individual and personal. You can't set HIS boundaries for him only he can do that. He sets his boundaries and you set yours.
> 
> So in this scenario YOU are setting the boundary that YOU are not okay with opposite sex friends. Has nothing to do with him. You state it's a deal breaker (if it is) and then he gets to decide whether he agrees with it or not. This isn't an 'us' or 'our' type situation it's what YOU demand going into this relationship.
> 
> ...


Yes I understand. It's okay I know how it works. Those particular boundaries are mutual ones we came up with in counselling. So we both have them. I came up with those ones and he wanted them as his as well.

Example: I was working with a personal trainer at the gym. It involved meetings just us two, weigh ins and such things just us two. I noticed OH specifically checking if I'd been alone with him. I made sure I wasn't. 

Blanca. I see your point. The boundaries I came up with in counselling are largely due to his past behaviour. Controlling... I don't know about that. I'm not telling him what to do or not do. I am protecting myself but I have good reason to. I don't believe anything I have outlined to him is questionable. He has displayed behaviour that has nearly wrecked our relationship and our family so I don't think saying that from here on in I won't accept that behaviour again is controlling. It's my boundaries protecting me. And then he can never say, well I thought having a female friend/secretly texting another woman/being alone with another woman would bother me. 

Of course his boundaries are for him. What he chooses to accept by way of behaviour from me and how he decides to conduct himself are on him.
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