# Can't live with her, can't live without her



## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

We got married too fast - less than 2 months from meeting to married. But everything seemed so perfect at that time. We were in sync in every area of life. Had a blast together. Shared the same values. Both wanted kids, and soon. Wanted the same things in the future. Sex was frequent and fantastic. Cloud Nineville!

So we took the plunge. It was about 13 months later, after the birth of our first kid, that it started to fall apart. She didn't want sex at all. For about 6 months as I recall. Said it hurt. And she felt fat. Etc. I was patient. I tried to be there for her, to cater to her needs. 

We had another child 2 years after the first. Another 8 months with no sex after that. She gained more weight. Felt even fatter. Felt unattractive. Didn't matter that I said it didn't matter. I still tried to romance her on a regular basis. Seemed the more I tried to pull her close, the more she pushed me away.

Since then, I consider myself lucky to get laid once a month. Typically it's once every other month. It wouldn't be so bad if she wanted it too, but clearly, she does not. I might as well be f___ing a blow up doll as much effort as she puts into it...

We just "celebrated" our 11th anniversary. Don't know if I can endure this another year.

It's not just the sex, though that weighs heavily on my mind. I'm very sexual. I have a high sex drive. I laugh at Viagra commercials. Can't imagine not being able to perform. I just rarely get the chance!

It's also about her general attitude. She is condescending and rude. She yells at the kids constantly. She degrades me in front of others. She doesn't listen to me when I try to tell her what's on my mind. She never wants to talk about anything important, like our relationship, our finances, etc. But she has time to watch trash TV like The Voice. She's up on all the celebrity news. She practically lives on Facebook.

I got laid off a few years ago, and she got a promotion. We agreed that I would do the stay at home Dad thing. So she makes all the money, and is hardly ever home. I do most of the housework, all of the yardwork, all of the handyman stuff, prepare almost all the meals, etc.

She has a 401K, corporate stock, and good credit. I have no savings to call my own. Together, we can get by. But if I left her, I have no clue how I would make it financially. I haven't worked in 5 years. My resume and job skills are woefully out of date. I'm 53, and at my age, it's really hard to get a good job. Any job beyond minimum wage, any way...

So I'm stuck. I can't live with her. I am actually happier when she is not home.

But I can't live without her. More precisely, without her income. Not sure what to do.

I am a fan of self-improvement. I am trying to better myself. Have for years. I think I have a pretty good attitude about life, a realistic self-image. I'm in pretty good shape. I've dropped from 220 to 185 lbs, and am working on losing a few more. She scoffs at my self-improvement efforts. Thinks it's a waste of energy. Meanwhile, she gripes about her weight, and grabs another candy bar.

I've tried setting up small businesses on the side, but nothing has worked out. It's hard when you have to deal with the kids so much. There again, she is highly critical and non-supportive. It's almost as if she doesn't want me to earn money, to contribute to our finances. She says I save us money by taking care of the kids. She says we have enough income, we just need to spend less.

She doesn't know that I desperately want my own income so I can be self-sufficient. Just in case our "story book romance" should ever come to an end.

Wish I had a friend to talk to. She should be my best friend, right? I should be able to talk to her about anything. But any time I tell her what's on my mind, she uses it against me.

I dream about having an affair. I dream about setting up a killer money-making website. I dream of walking away and living off the grid.

I kid myself. I'm just stuck.

And it sucks.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah being stuck does suck, but if you try to do something, anything to get back in the workforce you will find that you are not as stuck as you think. I am 45 years old and just obtained my 2nd degree this time as a Paralegal.. I as soon as I find work, I am done with my marriage.. Good luck to you!


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

justforfun1222 said:


> if you try to do something, anything to get back in the workforce you will find that you are not as stuck as you think. I am 45 years old and just obtained my 2nd degree this time as a Paralegal.. I as soon as I find work, I am done with my marriage.. Good luck to you!


Good luck to you too. 

The way I see it, nobody will hire me when they can hire 2 people half my age for roughly the same money. I believe my best shot is to setup a small business I can run part-time from home. As I said, I've tried several, but none has worked out yet. I'm still trying. 

Until then, tho, feeling very stuck.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You're not stuck at all. You're simply refusing to take a job at a lower pay even-though that's exactly how you can break free from your dependence.

A small business from home has a 1 in a million chance of barely surviving its first 5 years, let alone providing you with enough income to break free. Be realistic.

If you really want to live off the grid, it's very doable at very modest prices. Heck, you could live in an RV for less than $300/month if you wanted to. I'm not saying you should do this, but the option is there.

I don't understand why you don't simply file for divorce and ask for spousal support though? If you're at the point of wanting to start affairs, you should file for divorce. Don't be a cheater.


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

I am trying to be realistic. Let's assume I could find a job that pays $10/hour. 

I would gross $400/week full time, or roughly $1,600/mon. Take home would be about $1000/mon. 

Out of that would come childcare, which is $40/week per child, or $320/mon. 

I would probably be buying at least one extra tank of gas ea month, at $60, and my aging truck would probably require more frequent repairs ( I don't drive it that much now) or even replacement before long.

I would likely have to buy new clothes, and would be spending more on food, assuming more lunches and possibly dinners out / not made at home (if history is any indicator of the future). 

Around here it takes about 20 min to get anywhere, so I would be adding 40 min of drive time each day, or almost 3-1/2 hours each week. 

So at best, not counting clothing or extra auto expenses, I would be giving up about 42 to 44 hours of my time each week in exchange for an extra $150-$160. By my calculations, that's less than $4/hour ($160/40=$4). For a job that most likely would be physically taxing, to say the least -- either retail where I'm on my feet all day, or physical labor where I bend, lift, carry, dig, etc -- AND which would severely restrict my time with my kids.

Not a great option. Not at all. So, yes, I'm "refusing" to take such a job, because by my calculations, it's not how I can "break free" in any sense of the word. It's not worth my time to get a job unless I'm making at least $20/hour. But my chances of getting some type of office job that pays more are low to non-existent. I have spoken to a couple of employment agencies and recruiters. I know the deal.

Hence my conclusion that I'm stuck.

Filing for divorce typically requires paying an attorney, with money I don't have.

If I succeeded in divorcing her, my bet is she would get the kids, since I have no means of supporting them. I seriously doubt this backwards state I live in would grant me any kind of spousal support. You're living in a dream world if you think that's gonna happen.

So if I did leave her, I would be forced to get that $10/hour job, and living in an RV would be about my only option. As miserable as I am now, I'm pretty sure that would be suck worse.

Any more bright ideas, synthetic person?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities, if you were to divorce? 

C


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Any more bright ideas, synthetic person?


Yeah, stay the course. Or better yet, start an affair!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

HiLibido said:


> Good luck to you too.
> 
> The way I see it, nobody will hire me when they can hire 2 people half my age for roughly the same money. I believe my best shot is to setup a small business I can run part-time from home. As I said, I've tried several, but none has worked out yet. I'm still trying.
> 
> Until then, tho, feeling very stuck.


You will get nowhere with this attitude. Have you even TRIED to look, or are you just making huge assumptions here? Take what you can find, and your wife will have to pay you support. Only you can help yourself, no one can do it for you. Start stashing away some money every week. Start a serious job hunt. If you change nothing, then nothing changes, and there you sit, in the same place, forever. If you refuse to help yourself, then you dont get to sit and whine about how bad you have it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go back to college. And look for an internship at a company.


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