# I need some advice, I want to know if the plan seems fair?



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I feel like I need some outside advice on my current situation. So for those that don't know me (F late 40s dating F late 40s) dating just over 3 months - we live just under an hour apart.

We have a very easy connection. The sex is the best I have ever had. She is kind, gentle, we laugh like there is no tomorrow. matching to similar values. She has never made me feel bad about myself. So all the I can't believe I met you. But the giddiness of being so omg, is not wearing off but I'm becoming more practical in the last week or so.

I've wanted to sell my house for awhile now. I own it outright. It's not worth a fortune but it's a decent amount as the property prices are doing well. I'm self employed on a small wage but I live really comfortably and have a large chunk of savings. I decided to move to a particular town that is more suited to my lifestyle but I was waiting to make sure that this is where I want to be.

My girlfriend, she has no property she separated from her previous relationship after over 10 years. They sold their house 3 years ago and she didn't re purchase property. She has been wanting to hasnt to date. It's been her plan all along to buy around or in the town that I also am interested in. She has a very high paying job, but only wants to do it for a few more years, she ives in a small rental and I would say has similar spending habits to myself. She has some savings and a bank approval for a mortgage.

She is keen for us to get a place together. She wants to eventually live with me in a house in this town I really want this too and it feels right to me. I have not wanted to live with anyone like this before. She has said several times that she wants me to get legal advice to protect my assets. she knows that I have much more than her and she doesn't want people to think that she is after any of it. WE have both said and agreed that where we stand is that what we build together will be ours and what we bring into it will be seperate.

I know it's just shy of 4 months.I know the lesbian community move fast as a rule. I know I love her and she feels the same. I know that I won't be doing anything before knowing her for 12 months.

Her child has still a few more years of school where she lives and my child does as well. Her idea would be to buy and she lives there every second week when she doesn't have her child and still rent where she is now. It's not really a legal question but more a this is what's happening in my world and I'm wanting to run it by you guys. My fear is that we will buy something and she will peter off the every second week. A friend said why would you make this sacrifice for someone that is only going to live with you for 6 months for the next few years.

I want to talk about a future with her but I don't want to miss lead her if this is a path that looks unfair from the outside and I realize much later. Do I just go along with yes sounds amazing but not until the 12 month mark? She is putting off buying, she was close to buying something close to where she is currently living but after she met me she wanted to see how we went. It wouldn't be a good financial decision to by an apartment only own for a couple of years then sell if we wanted something together. I think I feel more about this because I know she needs to get back into the property market and waiting for me only to have me turn around and say oh all that talk wasn't serious serious seems unfair.

Sorry this is long. I'm not sure about her follow through as one of the things she said when we first started dating was I would love to mow your lawn and do those things for you. My lawn constantly needs mowing and she hasn't asked where the mower is yet.

I guess I want to know if the plan seems fair?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

m.t.t said:


> I feel like I need some outside advice on my current situation. So for those that don't know me (F late 40s dating F late 40s) dating just over 3 months - we live just under an hour apart.
> 
> We have a very easy connection. The sex is the best I have ever had. She is kind, gentle, we laugh like there is no tomorrow. matching to similar values. She has never made me feel bad about myself. So all the I can't believe I met you. But the giddiness of being so omg, is not wearing off but I'm becoming more practical in the last week or so.
> 
> ...


If you're going to buy property, it is always better to own the property yourself before you make any LTC to anybody, in the event the relationship doesn't work out. If you buy the property beforehand, it will still be yours in the event of a breakdown. If you buy it after you commit to her, it could be considered common property and you'd have to split the value with her in the event the relationship ends.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

she wants to buy together, she wants to own property as she wants us to live together and build something asa couple in the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re buying property together, I think it’s far too soon.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What are your doubts. You’ve described something/someone wonderful. But you are doubting something: what is it?

That may help you? Is there anything negative that concerns you, given everything you mention sounds pretty wonderful.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess I don't understand why you don't either move the kids to different schools if you're going to move or just not move if for some reason you don't want to change the kids schools.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> What are your doubts. You’ve described something/someone wonderful. But you are doubting something: what is it?
> 
> That may help you? Is there anything negative that concerns you, given everything you mention sounds pretty wonderful.


I trust her, in my gut I just do. She points out how I have my life together and it's a wonderful life and she just doesn't. I don't really care, I just love her. But I guess it goes back to the lawn mowing. Can I rely on her is my worry. Slight fear I'm being used. But after I type that I feel that just isn't true. I feel really loved by her.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I guess I don't understand why you don't either move the kids to different schools if you're going to move or just not move if for some reason you don't want to change the kids schools.


The schools they are both in really suit their needs. It would be unfair to move them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just see it being quite a hardship to be driving between two towns to get your kids to school.

You really can't know someone in 4 months. She certainly could be using you. As you said you weren't planning on doing anything for 12 months and that would be the earliest I would recommend. Meanwhile you can see if she hold her own weight financially and puts in as much as you do when you two are out and that sort of thing. But it just takes longer than that to learn what somebody's ethics are. And it's a little crazy to do permanent things even in a year's time because some relationships that take off hot fizzle just as quickly. I think you should set all these thoughts aside and quilt any conversations about it for at least that year you're talking about. You know wise people caution about doing anything under pressure from the other person. If it's worth waiting for, it'll keep.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Slow down there, turbo.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> I trust her, in my gut I just do. She points out how I have my life together and it's a wonderful life and she just doesn't. I don't really care, I just love her. But I guess it goes back to the lawn mowing. Can I rely on her is my worry. Slight fear I'm being used. But after I type that I feel that just isn't true. I feel really loved by her.


Hire a boy to do your lawn mowing.
Problem solved.

Worry about your own two small patches.
You can trim hers, she trims or shaves yours.



_Lilith-_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No way, far too soon to be buying together. I think that given that you've only known her for 4 months, you should continue with YOUR plan of buying in that town. If you remain together, you get a pre-nup signed BEFORE she moves in.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So here’s a suggestion, if you think she’s moving too fast, give it time and openly say so.

Some people move very fast in order to trap a person, not always for financial reasons. Can be an early indicator of future domestic violence. Let’s face it, life is easier when two people co-habit. Especially for the people who aren’t ‘responsible’ adults. Also, let’s face it, lots of people do move fast anyway. Ot sounds like she has her own money, so it’s ok to be cautious here & question if she’s a clingy controlling person. Your doubts are starting to talk louder. 

I would consider your own plans first, and she how she reacts. Sometimes say ‘no’ to her. The ‘No test’ is helpful for new relationships. Google it and look out for any anger.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

My plan for selling is further away from her need for buying. She said she doesn't want me to feel rushed at all. I said I would need to know her for a year before I made a move to do that. That I want to know her a year before that kind of commitment. She is fine with that but has asked if that what I might be seeing in the future. I have told her honestly yes. I do see us doing that. It's the truth. I have not felt this way about anyone before. I'm extremely independent. But she just feels right.

I have also said no to her, she was more than fine with a no. We had a bit of a disagreement over a miscommunication one night after a couple of drinks. So I saw how she deals with conflict, no raised voices, no attacking no sulking just hurt feelings and a looking to resolve it which we did. She seems to have a very low level of anger. She admits to stuffing up, we laugh, we get lost we both think it's an opportunity to explore. She is like my perfect person.

Personally I look at her and I just feel like I get her. I feel like she reads me so well. I have honestly not met someone that it feels so easy with. She both excites me and makes me feel comfortable at the same time.

My instinct is I think for her to buy in the area that she is. I will sell and move when the time is right to the place where we want to end up. I will get legal advice to protect my assets that I have now.
That way she owns her place and I own my own we can move between the houses. Weekends and Weekdays. I think at the end of the day we just want to be together more not just the weekends. We want to wake up together more. I guess it's not really about the property but spending more time together as a couple. She can always sell later on and put an equal share into my property to make it equal I guess?

My doubts are more about logistics. When we are not together the missing one another is very real.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not sure if the lesbian aspect of your relationship has ANY importance to the question: "should we buy a house together after having been a long distance couple for only 3 months."

what would be the issue of RENTING for a couple years? stick the cash from your house you would sell into the stock market (to keep pace with inflation), move in with her, and see just how it goes.

my wife and I lived in apartments for four years before buying a starter house. what is the hurry for you two?

also consider, you would be rushing to buy a place at a point in time when real estate prices are at the highest they have ever been. maybe the real estate market collapses, and you can buy that same house but for 25% less in two years?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you DO choose to buy this house in the new town, the thought of getting a lawyer to advise you is wise. heaven forbid you guys split up in a few years, but you would need to be able to sell the house and get back what you had invested into it! So as a minimum, you two would have to be on the new house's deed as co-owners. there would need to be legal assurances that she could not take out a secret 2nd mortgage, there would have to be clear written understanding about how the taxes, electric and heat bills, repairs are to be paid.

but that is what lawyers are for!

Good luck, and hope you have a fun time in the new town!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maybe it's where my mind is - or rather is not - at right now, however, I don't think I'm grasping what you seek opinion about. Is it that rather than sell your home and buy a place in your area, perhaps you wait a year and then build a house together? And then your follow-on post mentions your instinct is for her to buy where she is at now (although you initially felt that wouldn't make sense just for a few years), and you buy your own place in the newer town?

Acknowledging that my brain is missing something here, could you each continue with your individual plans of selling/buying as it applies, and then if and when the time comes that you want to build or own together, then you cross that bridge when you come to it - and if your financial situation would perhaps allow, you hold on to the property as perhaps an investment?

By the way, I'm really pleased to hear this relationship is a 'fit' and working for you both. I understand the feeling that you have found your person. However, personally I would continue with your plans as you were and work the rest out as it unfolds. Investing in property is something that has worked well for Batman and I (combination of savvy, the market, and luck/timing) and so I would approach this with a more rational/financial mind - and balanced with that it's going to be your home. Then again, I may well be really missing the point.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

another idea....sometimes these things need time to fully play out and feel "right". You could LEASE your existing house, and then co-rent a house in the new town with your lover. a year or two down the road, you can always sell the original house then.

i guess what i am trying to advise is to not rush into a complete lifestyle change...take some time to fully understand the new choices.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My brain hurt trying to figure out the logistics of it all, but that doesn't change the fact that you have only known her a few months at long distance. 

NO NO NO.

Do what's right for you. Way too early to be making real estate moves and decisions based on her. 

Buy or rent in the town you want to live in. Sort out building a life together when you have known each other a year or two.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask her why she hasn't mowed your lawn since she said she would love to.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Ask her why she hasn't mowed your lawn since she said she would love to.


Hmm I don't want to do that. But do realize that she was trying to sell herself to me. I do pick up on inconsistencies.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

So we spoke about it on the weekend. She had the suggestion that next year that she just stay with me where I am now for her free weeks so we can see how we work together. I said it was a good idea as I'm still learning things about you so buying somewhere is may be rushing things a bit. Also buying when the market is high isn't the best option.

I've realized what I'm feeling and my question comes from uncertainty. Being with her feels so happy, found out on the weekend that we both prefer to stay at home. That running from one thing to the next on the weekends is like hell for both of us but neither of us thought that we were normal for feeling this way so did not voice it. We now have talked about this and feel even more suited to one another.

The things is do I need someone who is more different to myself to explore life more? I have realized I'm basically going out with a version of myself. the upside is I don't feel like I have to be anything but myself with her. There is this feeling deep down that now the 3 months have past and it's feeling more real, I can't get away with surface me, the charming witty me. I'm now feeling myself looking for reasons why I should move on. How it would feel to break up etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you see an attorney and ask him/her what the downsides are of you buying a home with her and how to protect your assets.

You are not married, right? What are the laws in your country when it comes to living together vs marriage? Is there the concept of common law marriage?

If you do buy a home with her, why not have each of you give the same amount towards the down payment and then you each pay half the monthly mortgage and half of all upkeep?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Never buy a house with someone you haven't known for at least a couple of years.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> My suggestion is that you see an attorney and ask him/her what the downsides are of you buying a home with her and how to protect your assets.
> 
> You are not married, right? What are the laws in your country when it comes to living together vs marriage? Is there the concept of common law marriage?
> 
> If you do buy a home with her, why not have each of you give the same amount towards the down payment and then you each pay half the monthly mortgage and half of all upkeep?


There is common law, but it will be safe to let her stay here with me every second week. But I would like to build up to that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> The things is do I need someone who is more different to myself to explore life more? I have realized I'm basically going out with a version of myself. the upside is I don't feel like I have to be anything but myself with her. There is this feeling deep down that now the 3 months have past and it's feeling more real, I can't get away with surface me, the charming witty me. I'm now feeling myself looking for reasons why I should move on. How it would feel to break up etc.


I'm confused. I thought the other day it was about potentially buying a house together. Now you're internally seeking reasons to move on... wait, whah?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm confused. I thought the other day it was about potentially buying a house together. Now you're internally seeking reasons to move on... wait, whah?


I think I'm confused too... I do want to have that with her, we just work so well together. I'm just realizing that you guys are right I've only known her for a short time. I'm noticing more, especially over the past few days she has a bit of a history of struggling dealing with life a little. She doesnt look after herself (food) she is trying though, and she withdraws socially. She is still the sweet amazing and gentle person that I love but it's triggered a concern. I love her so much though. I've not felt such deep intuitive connection before.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Consider this also: you are not familiar with this new town. you do not know the neighborhoods. there might be dangerous neighborhoods with high crime that you want to avoid. there might be up and coming new neighborhoods that are getting gentrified, and would make an excellent investment--especially if you put in some sweat equity to get the property renovated. One neighborhood might have excellent access to mass transit, while others you have to walk miles to get to a subway station. and so so. RENTING in the new city, even for just a few months, will quickly teach you the lay of the land.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have only known her a few months. It's sounding like she's isn't completely healthy/stable/doesn't really have her life together. She can be sweet and wonderful, but maybe you want someone who is strong, steady, capable, and has all of their **** together. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is suitable to be a life partner.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You have only known her a few months. It's sounding like she's isn't completely healthy/stable/doesn't really have her life together. She can be sweet and wonderful, but maybe you want someone who is strong, steady, capable, and has all of their **** together. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is suitable to be a life partner.


She is stable, healthyish and does have her life together in that she is employed and extremely well paid. I guess she is a chronic introvert which I didn't realize at the start but has wonderful long term friendships. The not having her life together is more that she is like a newly divorced dad with plastic cups 😂, and a rental with sad plants. 

When I'm with her I feel very young, very happy. I think this is a good thing. I think my concern is the steady, she doesn't feel like a rock more like a ten pin. I want her to feel more like a rock.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

m.t.t said:


> ... I've not felt such deep intuitive connection before.


Really? Really?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Galabar01 said:


> Really? Really?


No. 

You seem surprised. Maybe my definition is this is different to yours.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I'm feeling confused. There maybe some hurt and frustration there as well.

So she was over during the week. we have planned that on occasion she sleeps over and works from here the next day. I was going to work too. But we really just ended up having a lot of sex. Initiated by her. I expressed concern as I wanted her to get work done so it would be viable for her to work from here. Don't get me wrong the sex was great but it wasn't really like we were working side by side during the day as she said she wanted to do. If we want to start thinking about getting more serious then don't we need to do the everyday stuff too?


She talks about us moving in together and in the future she wants to marry me. But I feel like we are more monogamous casual. The other week she had a conversation with me and asked me how do I see our weekends working now that we can move about again after restrictions have lifted. I asked her what she is thinking. She said I guess I see you going out and seeing friends and doing things and then fitting me in when you have time to see me. I said no, you are my priority, I want to see you and have you either come with me to see people or work out our weekends together. She looked a bit teary about it and said she wants that too. I want us to do our own thing too but for the first time in my life I just want to be close to her when i can be.

But now she i saying how she likes it when I come over but then go out and do my own thing and use her place as a base. We are going out Saturday night, and she has asked if I want to meet her there or come over earlier. I told her it was up to her. TBH I was hurt. We only spend the weekends every second one it's just for the night on the Saturday. We have this whole weekend free or she said she did two days ago. She then said come earlier but around 3 as she has appointments and errands to do. But day before she asked if I wanted her to come over and spend the day mowing my lawn etc. Now she has appointments and errands? I'm so confused. 

She talks about her friends relationship and how they go and do their shopping together, catch up for coffee during the afternoon and just do domestic stuff together and how nice that sounds and she wants to do those things with me. But won't actually spend a whole normal weekend with me so we can do such things and we can do the boring stuff together.

She tells me when I leave on the weekend she doesn't want me to go and gets really sad. I ask her what time she wants me to go on the Sunday usually on the saturday night just so i can plan my day. She will say 2, that she has a few things to do. But then she will drag me leaving out to 3 or so and then hug me and tell me she doesnt want me to go and keep making excuses to keep me there longer and then get sad after I leave. She will sometimes say to me when i ask maybe go at 12.30, is that ok? but the next day I'm leaving around two because she has kept me there, usually with sex or coffee or anything to make me stay longer.

I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated She asks me what I want, she tells me that she wants the same but then she will use the I want you to have time to do your things. I'm guessing she is making her needs met by telling me that she is giving me time but really it's about what she needs? When we talk on the phone etc she will say do you want me to let you go? Are you tired? Am i keeping you from doing other things? I then get in my head thinking that she actually wants to go but she is putting it as a I'm giving you space. I will say ok we can talk later but she then keeps the conversation going.

When we are together it's amazing, we are so close. But I'm starting to feel clingy and my instinct is to pull away. I want to do things together as a couple borning or not. I'm feeling like she is more a dinner saturday night and the sleepover brunch. She Gets under my skin and I want to be with her we are so emotionally close when we are together but when we are no longer in each other company she feels like there is distance and so do I. We don't seem to have a middle ground.
At this stage maybe we should be doing the more casual monogamous dating thing, but I want more. I'm thinking of having the conversation with her where I tell her that I feel that she is more after the saturday night dinner and sleep over and not the buying a house together stage? We don't really fight, it feels happy but I've got this feeling we are after different things. Help me unpack my feelings over this?

after writing this I'm realizing I'm letting and wanting her make the choices - what time, whenever you have time I will be there etc I am really making her my priority. I just text a friend and arranged to do something with them in a couple of Saturdays. Honestly i would rather spend it with my girlfriend doing dumb stuff together but I think I need to busy myself up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't understand why you aren't spending Friday after work through Sunday evening/or Monday morning together. 

And you are far, far away from buying a house together, given these kinds of issues.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I don't understand why you aren't spending Friday after work through Sunday evening/or Monday morning together.
> 
> And you are far, far away from buying a house together, given these kinds of issues.


we both have a child.

I feel like the feelings make it feel like we want to be together but I would agree she needs to be way more in my life for that. She is talking of spending her child free week here with me next year but she is hesitant to spend a whole weekend together, unless we are away together. Do you think it might be a communication issue? I think our closeness is triggering her avoidant part of her personality. We are both fear/avoident.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why is she hesitant to spend a whole weekend together?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why is she hesitant to spend a whole weekend together?


I don't actually know. She will say I'll come to yours on the weekend say I have a few errands etc see you at 2? I'm not sure if she is giving me space or she is taking space by giving me space. She will say things like I don't need space from you, I can be myself around you but then still say it felt good when you went off on sat and did your own thing and came back to me or when i ask what time she needs me to go on Sunday she will say she has a few things to do maybe 1? is that ok?

I think she wants me, and to be in a relationship with me but needs a lot of time alone? Except she tells me she doesn't include me in the needing time alone. I'm confused. Then last week she said we might want to go off and see our friends separately sometimes as the dynamic is different. I asked if she wanted to spend some weekends when we don't see one another and she said no thinking about that hurts. But more we come together at night time some weekends maybe. 

We have that much sex we are doing little else. I want someone that I can do those other things with. Like the weekend gardening, a book shop adventure etc. I feel like there is a silent fight going on between us.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> I trust her, in my gut I just do. She points out how I have my life together and it's a wonderful life and she just doesn't. I don't really care, I just love her. But I guess it goes back to the lawn mowing. Can I rely on her is my worry. *Slight fear I'm being used*. But after I type that I feel that just isn't true. I feel really loved by her.


I’ve read a lot of your threads. You fall in live too fast. Your sentence in bold is your gut. 
what you think is your gut is just your emotions.

If you move in with this woman, she will change. Live with her without investing in property and such snd do do for a couple of years and see how things go before “trusting her”. It’s just ducking stupid to trust anyone these days. 

last of all: You are a person that has a weakness, and it’s one that is obvious snd one that people see and will exploit. The trans person you had so much trouble with is A prime example. Don’t do it. Don’t trust her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> I don't actually know. She will say I'll come to yours on the weekend say I have a few errands etc see you at 2? I'm not sure if she is giving me space or she is taking space by giving me space. She will say things like I don't need space from you, I can be myself around you but then still say it felt good when you went off on sat and did your own thing and came back to me or when i ask what time she needs me to go on Sunday she will say she has a few things to do maybe 1? is that ok?
> 
> I think she wants me, and to be in a relationship with me but needs a lot of time alone? Except she tells me she doesn't include me in the needing time alone. I'm confused. Then last week she said we might want to go off and see our friends separately sometimes as the dynamic is different. I asked if she wanted to spend some weekends when we don't see one another and she said no thinking about that hurts. But more we come together at night time some weekends maybe.
> 
> We have that much sex we are doing little else. I want someone that I can do those other things with. Like the weekend gardening, a book shop adventure etc. I feel like there is a silent fight going on between us.


Won’t spend a whole weekend with you but wants to move in together? 
min thinking she has another person she’s seeing.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honey, you two are not even *close* to being ready to live together. All of these things need to be ironed out BEFORE that happens. Even then, I wouldn't be buying, I'd be renting somewhere together first.

I feel like neither of you is being completely honest with the other, for fear of the other feeling you're not suited. You both need to sit down together, and lay it on the line. "I want a relationship that looks like x, y, z. What does a relationship look like to you?"

It really is that simple.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Adding....choose someone who has their life together as much as you do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

one thing IS coming out of this thread: the location you live sounds like a real drag. no one to date, no support for lesbians, probably the economy is not so good.

ignore the fact of this other woman....if you moved to this city, it sounds like you would enjoy life more. can you make a go of it there? rent a small place and get a job, and THEN ease into the new lifestyle? Maybe this other woman turns out fine, and you have a long thrilling relationship. Maybe after two months she ghosts you. who knows....but you will not find out unless you try.

So if i were you, i would be making plans to move to the new place, and with my eyes open, see what happens.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> I'm feeling confused. There maybe some hurt and frustration there as well.
> 
> So she was over during the week. we have planned that on occasion she sleeps over and works from here the next day. I was going to work too. But we really just ended up having a lot of sex. Initiated by her. I expressed concern as I wanted her to get work done so it would be viable for her to work from here. Don't get me wrong the sex was great but it wasn't really like we were working side by side during the day as she said she wanted to do. If we want to start thinking about getting more serious then don't we need to do the everyday stuff too?
> 
> ...


Believe how she acts...not what she says. She is probably saying stuff thinking that is what you want, all the while hoping you choose what she wants(acts) by keeping you there. 

It is an awesome feeling to have a woman who you are like PBJ together. Where one is, the other is. One is just not the same without the other. My wife will encourage me to go do stuff with friend if want....i rather be with my best friend, her. She is very happy with my choice and she definately shows me constantly. 25 yrs and counting. I am about to retire so we can spend more time together.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Honey, you two are not even *close* to being ready to live together. All of these things need to be ironed out BEFORE that happens. Even then, I wouldn't be buying, I'd be renting somewhere together first.
> 
> I feel like neither of you is being completely honest with the other, for fear of the other feeling you're not suited. You both need to sit down together, and lay it on the line. "I want a relationship that looks like x, y, z. What does a relationship look like to you?"
> 
> It really is that simple.


We did this when I went over there. It's good advice and you are spot on.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Adding....choose someone who has their life together as much as you do.


I'm very much in love with her. I've liked other people very much and thought this was enough that it would build etc but it doesn't, well not for me. I don't want to choose someone that has their lif together for the sake of being a couple. I've thought that I would not ever want to live with someone, I didn't date looking for this, but with her I just want this. I'm very much in love with her despite the fact that she has less than me. I just know I have to be a bit careful.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Won’t spend a whole weekend with you but wants to move in together?
> min thinking she has another person she’s seeing.





Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve read a lot of your threads. *You fall in live too fast*. Your sentence in bold is your gut.
> what you think is your gut is just your emotions.
> 
> If you move in with this woman, she will change. Live with her without investing in property and such snd do do for a couple of years and see how things go before “trusting her”. It’s just ducking stupid to trust anyone these days.
> ...


I really don't fall in love fast. I give people a lot but love isnt quick or always there for me. Maybe liking a lot. I haven't loved anyone since the father of my children. I have been in love once before and yes I'm in love with this women. I would fly to the moon for her. 

There is no one else. I know that.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

When I got there that weekend she had got her hair cut and cleaned and done christmas shopping. So she did have things to do. We had a bit of a fight, I went there after reading what you posted and I felt a bit annoyed and feeling a bit distant. She picked up on it and we had a discussion where I volunteered to go home. When I say fight it's more of a discussion about how we feel, we are both upset but there is no yelling or name calling etc Just hurt feelings. This has happened once before. 

So I laid it on the line. I asked her if she is after something more casual ? Saturday night and me leave early the next day etc I told her I can do that but I need things to be clear. We both came away voicing what we need We are actually both wanting the same thing, I'm just used to someone else pursuing and not being equal and talking risks by asking for what I need.

The house thing will happen but I told her that we need to be spending a lot more time together before we can even think about it. Personally I think it would be better to have two separate places that we move between.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds great!
good luck!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

God (or whatever you call it) has been HURLING red flags at you like a battleship. 

Lying is a dealbreaker. Period. That means she doesn’t trust you enough to be honest with you. 

You’re a bonafide idiot if you financially invest with her right now. 

You love her. That is your heart and vagina guiding you. Your brain already knows something ain’t right. You wouldn’t post here if it was all rainbows and unicorns. 

I lost hope for this one when she didn’t follow through with cutting the grass. She’s word-vomiting on you and telling you all the things you want to hear. 

Better knock off the rose-colored glasses and get your head out of the clouds. 

My bet is she has PLENTY more she’s hiding. 

Those who have nothing to hide-hide nothing. 

This is a drama fest. Is that what you really want?

Seems to me that you are ready to settle down in life. Plant some roots. This one ain’t it. You love the person she is portraying. You haven’t scratched the surface on who she REALLY is. 

Said with love. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re tAlking about buying a home with a woman that’s already fighting (your words) with you so much that you “voluntarily left”.

speaking from experience: “I love her” isn’t enough to build a successful relationship. Love is an odd emotion. For some people, it comes and goes. Show me a person that can say : I trust in this person. This person has my best interests at heart. This person has strong character. This person has told me the truth even if it was the hard thing to do. This person makes responsible decisions. This person wants me around even when they are angry with me. This person has shown throughout their life that they make good decisions. Then that same person says they love them.
Because if someone is saying “I love xxxx” first and kinda glosses over the other stuff, they’re setting themselves up for disaster.

why do you love her MTT? She says she loves you. Yet she fights with uou and makes you feel so unwanted that you leave. And she LETS you. I never wanted a woman I loved to leave in anger. It bothered me all night and all day until I got things straightened out. I’m not saying that is at all healthy. I’m just saying that this person you love let you leave and didn’t care enough to ask you to stay. She won’t even spend the whole weekend with you, but you think buying a home together is a good idea?

I really urge you to step back and base your decisions on your gf’s actions and not her words.

Really. It’s unusual for a couple who loves one another not to want to spend weekends (whole ones) together.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re tAlking about buying a home with a woman that’s already *fighting (your words) with you so much that you “voluntarily left*”.
> 
> speaking from experience: “I love her” isn’t enough to build a successful relationship. Love is an odd emotion. For some people, it comes and goes. Show me a person that can say : I trust in this person. This person has my best interests at heart. This person has strong character. This person has told me the truth even if it was the hard thing to do. This person makes responsible decisions. This person wants me around even when they are angry with me. This person has shown throughout their life that they make good decisions. Then that same person says they love them.
> Because if someone is saying “I love xxxx” first and kinda glosses over the other stuff, they’re setting themselves up for disaster.
> ...


when you say it like that it sounds like a heated argument. It was not and we don't fight like that at all. It was more a what's going on? There is a weird vibe and you feel distant, let's talk about this. Why is this miscommunication happening between us, please explain what you are after because i'm confused, she said so am I! I don't get this friction either. So I said would you prefer some alone time. She didn't want that and we went on to have a really great night and weekend.

She didn't want me to leave and no I didn't leave. We have talked about the weekends. We have decided to spend them together with the exception if we want to catch up with friend or do something of our own. We are both introverts and think it's fine to go away for a few hours and do our own thing.

The home thing, it's a way off but I want her in my life and to build a life with her but slowly. Passion can fog the brain.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> God (or whatever you call it) has been HURLING red flags at you like a battleship.
> 
> Lying is a dealbreaker. Period. That means she doesn’t trust you enough to be honest with you.
> 
> ...


You might be right. She isn't trying to fix me by taking over the mowing. She doesnt show care by actions. I realized she is saying things to put forth a better version of herself when she was enthusiastic to moving between countries, my dream. But I found out later she is petrified of air travel.

I don't want a boring person as my life partner. She makes me feel amazing, I have never met anyone like her. She may be putting a best version of herself forward. But don't we all when we are first dating. I'm getting to know the real person and I still fancy her so much but yes she isn't perfect. I guess I need to work out if it still works for me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree with Elizabeth. The universe is hurling red flags at you, one after the other, and you are choosing to defend each one. 

True, everyone has flaws.

But this woman seems the type who needs a KISA in her life. Research the dynamics of this kind of relationship and why they aren't healthy and certainly won't make you happy in the long run. You need someone who is a strong queen to your queen so you can co rule together (since we started with the court analogy of the knight in shining armor). Not a damsel in distress you need to become a knight for to rescue her. This relationship makes you a lower knight, you can't be your own queen. 

If your partner were a queen (strong and loving woman who has her **** together) she would not be creating the different situations you find yourself in with this one.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> when you say it like that it sounds like a heated argument. It was not and we don't fight like that at all. It was more a what's going on? *There is a weird vibe and you feel distant, let's talk about this. *Why is this miscommunication happening between us, please explain what you are after because i'm confused, she said so am I! I don't get this friction either. So I said would you prefer some alone time. She didn't want that and we went on to have a really great night and weekend.
> 
> She didn't want me to leave and no I didn't leave. We have talked about the weekends. We have decided to spend them together with the exception if we want to catch up with friend or do something of our own. We are both introverts and think it's fine to go away for a few hours and do our own thing.
> 
> The home thing, it's a way off but I want her in my life and to build a life with her but slowly. Passion can fog the brain.


MTT,
You should not be feeling this, especially early in a Relationship.. You’re asking her about it and getting no answers. Her saying “I don’t know either” isn’t an answer. I think she’s keeping something from you, and very well be a side partner.

I hope you slow your roll here. My spidey Senses are screaming for you. Just sayin.

She lives in s different country?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> MTT,
> You should not be feeling this, especially early in a Relationship.. You’re asking her about it and getting no answers. Her saying “I don’t know either” isn’t an answer. I think she’s keeping something from you, and very well be a side partner.
> 
> I hope you slow your roll here. My spidey Senses are screaming for you. Just sayin.
> ...


sorry I missed this. No we live an hour apart. I do get answers, we talk it through but we are both have an unfortunate attachment style which is fearful/avoident. I feel like i'm getting too focused on her and not enough on myself.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

ok so what I have realized is that she doesn't do life well. Her job is very full on and takes a lot of her mental space and she hates her work. She would like to leave. I have also realized that her anxiety is so bad and she didn't really disclose how bad it was. It wasn't until I was walking around alone and she was unable to leave the hotel room for the first 8 hours of our holiday that I thought **** is this what going away is going to be like? I was teary and frustrated.

What I have gleaned from her past relationships is that she either has left them feeling angry or she has remained angry. She has sort out people that are not fully available. Either by distance or availability. She wants to be close to me but then talks about herself being codependent in a joking way and becomes a bit distant again.

She is full of empty gestures that she forgets that she has said. She seems to be loose on timelines. She still has a kind of fixation on a woman that was in an open relationship and ended up making her feel deeply hurt. But from where I'm sitting she didn't follow the rules and thought it was more than just sex. She still makes reference to it in conversation.

I just feel like I've been mislead.I feel like she should have written on her profile that she will most often pull out of plans unless it's staying in, that I will be asked to go alone while she stays close to the bathroom. I feel like she is still thinking it's a great idea to move in together but she has pulled back a bit on the staying together after spending a lot of the holidays together. I feel like when we are together it's great but I can't help feeling that I'm giving more energy to this relationship than I should be. This I think is a problem with me. She is living her life and fitting me in. I'm fitting my life in around her. I feel like it's a crazy mix of serious with casual overtones.

I don't think I'm happy. When we are together we laugh so much like I can't breath kind of laughter. We holiday the same, we seem to have similar values but maybe we do relationships differently. I'm having trouble focussing on other things and I'm not liking how it's affecting me. I should say that she has said that she feels like she has not gotten things right with me several times.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

m.t.t said:


> ok so what I have realized is that she doesn't do life well. Her job is very full on and takes a lot of her mental space and she hates her work. She would like to leave. I have also realized that her anxiety is so bad and she didn't really disclose how bad it was. It wasn't until I was walking around alone and she was unable to leave the hotel room for the first 8 hours of our holiday that I thought **** is this what going away is going to be like? I was teary and frustrated.
> 
> What I have gleaned from her past relationships is that she either has left them feeling angry or she has remained angry. She has sort out people that are not fully available. Either by distance or availability. She wants to be close to me but then talks about herself being codependent in a joking way and becomes a bit distant again.
> 
> ...


How she is, in the short time that you have known her will be 10x in a LTR, when she thinks she can be herself and not on her best behaviour to keep your attraction.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I usually get concerned when people fall in love too quickly, abusive and mercenary people develop a talent for seduction and getting others addicted to them. They do it too fast to notice that they are financially, emotionally or physically a wreck.

You also have a child/children? who you have to look after for some number of years, so I would proceed with caution as entangling yourself financially with her could take your family down. She might make alot of money but if she is concealing debt she could be much more than broke.

Perhaps none of what I wrote above is true, and I understand your desire for love in your life so I hope none of it is.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I predict if you let her move in with you she would quit her job and you would be stuck supporting her and unable to kick her out. 

People here have been talking to you about the huge red flags for awhile and you haven't cared to take notice.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I predict if you let her move in with you she would quit her job and you would be stuck supporting her and unable to kick her out.
> 
> People here have been talking to you about the huge red flags for awhile and *you haven't cared to take notice.*


That's a bit harsh don't you think. A red flag is a deal breaker for an individual. She is throwing up amber ones for me, more a do I want this for myself. A red flag to my is physical, emotional or verbal abuse or violence. This is my relationship, my life lessons. I find it helpful to think out loud here, get support and to listen to advice. To tell me I don't take notice is like my 80- year old father thinking his view on life should also be my own and getting huffy when I respectfully listen to his opinion but make my own choices.


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