# Random thoughts/words of wisdom needed



## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

Well, here I am....finally posting. I'm guessing the holidays have me down, the helplessness has me down.

In July, my wife and I seperated. It has a few key steps, she left because she felt trapped, then it turned into the ILYBIANILWY, and now we are in the I don't love you and probably never did.

A little backstory on the marriage, no physical or mental abuse either way, when we 1st got married we were broke, we worked our way from an apartment to a house...not a big house, but a house. We got along great, as we moved along and got better financially, we had 2 great kids.

Here is where things started to get odd, my wife wasn't the same person after the 2nd (he is 2 now). She didn't want to talk, but her mood changed everywhere...from work to home. She went to see a Dr, and he prescribed something for her, which she said wasn't working and quit taking.

Last Thanksgiving until the summer she was confrontational and secretive...UH OH right? Well I trusted my wife, and didn't make a big deal out of it. I love my wife dearly, I believe she is my soul mate.

We had a great vacation at the beach, came home and went to a wedding the next day that was among her friends from work. We took the boys to see fireworks, put them to bed and she dropped the feeling trapped and moved out the next day.

From the day she left, she has rewritten everything about our marriage, alot of it is almost comical. She loves to get jabs in on how she doesn't love me, this is best for the boys, she never knew how unhappy she was until she was away from me...all very painful and hurtful to hear.

I'm a great Dad and Husband, I have devoted all my time right now to my young boys (my parents passed when I was very young). I always have something fun planned with them, and I miss them dearly when they aren't with me. People I tell that I am seperated and getting a divorce can't believe it, we seemed happy, I never said a cross word about her then and even now.

Is there another guy? Not that I can verify, but I would stake my reputation on it.

When she left, I gave her space, didn't bug, beg, text, etc. When she left, she never looked back, not once.

I guess I am here to seek advice.

My marriage is over, I have accepted I can't make someone love me.

I still love my wife and probably always will, I am having a hard time accepting she doesn't love me, has wrecked our family and rewrote what was a great marriage and made it into a joke.

Why the hateful words?


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

Also I want to add a few things...I have been working on myself, getting new hobbies, making new friends, have become more spiritual.....but it is never out of my mind.

I have reached out a few times over the last 5 months and tried to reopen communication, but she is just done. She uses those chances to lash out.....and she was never like that before.

One major thing I need to mention...her Mom is divorced, Step Dad divorced, Moms sisters are divorced, now Moms sisters kids are following and getting divorced.

I just feel so defeated.

I have always loved my wife and made her special and important.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

She probably re-wrote the history to your marriage and lashes out to justify everything she has done to you, to justify why she left...you actually did nothing wrong, so she has to make things up...

Still, it sounds like time to move on, get counseling, be a good dad...keep the past special and re-write your future!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

DjF makes good sense, rewrite your future, but correct the past. Do this by spending time with the kids, what ever time you are doing with them, double it. These kids are part of the past and also your future. DO NOT LET THEM FOLLOW IN YOUR WIFE'S AND YOUR WIFES FAMILYS FOOT STEP! Please get overly involved with them.


Sorry for yelling.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

What a terrible situation! 

As *DjF* said, she may be revising history to rationalize leaving you. That sounds likely to me, too. 

I can think of two other possibilities as well:

1) She's kind of emotionally immature and has trouble being honest with herself. She may have been unhappy for a while, but didn't acknowledge that to herself, and so couldn't bring it up to you. She just kept pushing those feelings down until she couldn't take it anymore, after the birth of your second child. 

2) She saw everyone else she cared about getting divorced, and she felt that divorce would also be coming for her sooner or later. In order to have control over the situation, she left you, so you couldn't leave her later on. Because she'd seen so much divorce going on all around her, small disagreements you had became magnified, in her mind, to genuine threats to the marriage.

There may or may not be another man involved. If there is, that's probably a symptom of a bigger problem, rather than the origin of your present difficulties with her, as you probably know.

Are you interested in getting back together with her at this point, or do you want a trial separation?

I feel awful for you, and I wish there were something I could really do to help, other than posting this message. Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

sbbs said:


> .
> 
> Are you interested in getting back together with her at this point, or do you want a trial separation?


We have been seperated since July, she walked and never looked back.

Would I be interested in getting back? Right now that's not even an option. She likes to tell me she doesn't love me, never did...so I am trying to prepare for the worse case scenario.

One thing about her, when she makes up her mind, she'll stick to it to prove a point. So I see no shot at reconsiliation.

Right now she shows no remorse, zero...

she has said in her musings I never did love her, and I was just afraid of being alone, that I would have stayed in this unhappy marriage for the kids sake only.

Would I consider reconsiling given the chance, well I have given this thought...I love her, I love my kids....with work, it could be saved. 

It's a bad situation, and if I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it.

I'm just trying to make it day to day.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

DJB is absolutely right on target. Consider it in this way...divorce is like homicide. It is an ugly, emotionally devestating act. Before she can "kill" you, she has to objectify you. Soldiers have to do the same thing. That's why we know words like "****", "kraut", "Jap", and "Towel Head". We are all human and it's emotionally traumatic to kill another human being. Objectifying those we "kill" is a tool used to protect our own psyches. It's emotionally easier to "kill" a jerk than to kill a nice guy and good father. As DJB said, also, each of us must justify to ourselves, anything we do. Jesse James justified robbing trains by claiming he did it for "Dixie". Every felon in prison believed they had some justification for doing whatever put them there. They may feel remorse now, but at the time of their crime, they justified it. 
The cruel jabs, made jokingly, are a defensive mechanism to help her avoid actually dealing with the horror she's in and helped to create. I don't think she's intentionally being cruel, she's just acting in a very human way, clumsily trying to guard her fragile sanity at this point. If you went to a particularly nasty fatal car crash or multiple murder scene, you'd probably hear younger cops and rescue workers making some pretty sick, insensitive jokes. They aren't all callous jerks, they are just normal people dealing with emotionally challenging situations, trying to stay sane the only way they know how.


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

In spite of this whole mess, I can say one thing....I am a great Dad, growing up without a Dad has taught me how important it is to be the best Father I can possibly be.

Now, my 5 y/o always, always asks why isn't Mommy coming along, and that breaks my heart.

I do know I have to move on, and I have been....I will admit, I find myself having the "feeling sorry for myself" moment.

I wonder does she ever take time and think about me in a positive way, does she miss me, etc. I have a hard time after 16 years imagining what life is going to be like without her. I haven't heard anything good since June...

If only there was a translation of what the "Walkaway Spouse" says.

She has not looked back, not once. I have detached as much as I can, but I still love her deeply.....

My journey is beginning.......sucks.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

Intruder said:


> In spite of this whole mess, I can say one thing....I am a great Dad, growing up without a Dad has taught me how important it is to be the best Father I can possibly be. I find my self in a very similiar situation as you. Although they is another women in my situation I post in coping with infidelity broken and alone my h walked out on for good on nov 21 and hasn't looked back. I have the same thoughts do u ever think about me etc. We were together since we were kids and lived together for17 yrs. I wish I could understand how someone who pledged to be by your side for life could just walk away from everything. How does a parent go from fulltime to parttime me as a mother cannot even fathom being with my babies everyday. One of my struggles is trying to figure out who iam on my own its incredibly hard. Good luck to you and your son.
> 
> 
> Now, my 5 y/o always, always asks why isn't Mommy coming along, and that breaks my heart.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I too know the pain. I have written my story under I feel so alone. It is all new in my world, but I will tell you this, and perhaps its my blind hope speaking, but it sounds a lot like my husband, just running....running from reality, running from feelings, running from everything and anything that may make them think of how things REALLY are. As hurt as I am right now, and as I read so many other people are on these posts, I know that my heart just wants my family back, and so I know that in your situation, after several months, it doesnt just "go away." Thank goodness for forums like this. I would have never thought they would be helpful, but thankful they are. If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM.


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

You are correct, I want my family back....I am very confused at how we got to this point, very hurt by things my wife has said, and I have no desire to start over with someone else (even though she tells me I should).

I would very much like to talk to her, not about the marriage, just talk. We have minimal contact, and when we do, she is terrible. It really seems like an alien life form has taken her over.

Many times a day, I think about my marriage, and I think about the times past, how we had such great times.....I hate the holiday season, this is meant for a family....we always had such a good time doing holiday things.

It is painful to see her happy, moving on with her life....seems unfair.


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Really sad to read your story...

I know how you're feeling as I'm going through the same thing...so I may not be much help...

However, there's one thing I know: the more we ask ourselves why they've done this, why they're so cruel, why, why, why, what if, what if....the more depressed and down we feel...I'm learning to accept I'm not going to get any answers by concentrating on what he's doing (or lack of) so i need to stop asking myself these questions...I would recommend you doing the same...put it behind you (as much as it hurts) and concentrate on yourself and your kids...which by he way, I admire you by being there for them...shows what a good lovingly father you are!

Good luck!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Alone has some good advice there, you can't change what you don't/can't control, mainly the evil empire--your wife, so focus on what you can change...yourself. Don't contact your wife except to see the children, become the BEST person you can be, physically and emotionally...be the BEST dad you can be, which you already seem to have under control, and then let fate do the rest...

If you and your wife are meant to be together again, she will see and appreciate what you are doing (sounds to me she won't though)...

If you and your wife aren't meant to be together again, if your working on changes now, then you are already on the path to recovery and a healthier life...it just might be time to put behind you the "Woe with me" misery, and take control of yourself...

Kick in the pants I know, but I'm right there with you...some nights I sleep, some nights I don't, but every morning I'm beginning to like myself more and more as I look in the mirror...it gets better, but you've got to make it better yourself...eventually, it is a choice!


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

"Choices" I've used this word so many times lately. And its becoming very clear to me yes I'm a victim of betrayal in the worst possible way. Yes my children have been hurt. My life turned upside down. And you know what I had no" choice" in those things I'm waking up and realizing I GET TO MAKE SOME CHOICES now and I'm choosing to move on with my life find myself again and no longer be anybodys victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm very sorry - I'm going through something similar with two small kids in tow. There are times when I seem to be okay and other times when I completely fall apart. I don't know why she is so angry toward you, but I agree with the others that it's likely because she feels horrible about herself and the decision that she's made so it's easier to blame you and make you out to be the bad guy rather than to look at herself, really look at herself in the mirror. As my counselor says, "why does a bully bully?" It's because they feel really bad about themselves. I know it doesn't really provide a lot of comfort and it doesn't take away the pain of what she does/says, but you will get through it. The holidays are going to be tough, but you are allowed to feel bad, maybe when the kids go to bed or early in the morning when you have some time alone. Just remember that, as odd as it sounds, her actions really are not about you. you will go on someday to have a healthy relationship. She likely will not ever find real happiness.


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## Lovetheocean (Oct 10, 2010)

Hello intruder, so sorry to hear your story. Also sounds like mine except we've been married 27 years, our kids are in their 20s and she still somewhat still lives here. I think the reasons stated above are correct about her justifying her actions by being the way she is cause thats what my wife is doing to me. We're not perfect, and i've made mistakes, but my wife won't stop bringing up the past and blaming me and not forgiving. Everyone see's her as a different person, mainly my daughters and she blames me for that also. I've forgiven all she's done and still love her. To live in the past with an unforgiving heart is so damaging. I need to move on like you are and meet new people and get a hobby. I know exactly how you feel! I think about her every second. I put it in God's hands now and I know He has a plan. Best wishes and two thumbs up for being a great father!


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

Well, last night I returned the boys to their Mom. On the way home, my oldest started to cry, he doesn't want to live where is at, he doesn't want to goto school there, and he wanted to know why Mom doesn't do things with us. He said he misses playing with us, since his Mom is always on the phone or computer for "work".

Another interesting thing, he asked me if I had a girlfriend....not something a 5 y/o would normally ask. I explained I love both of them and their Mom, and I always will love them and they are always special to me (of course my 2 y/o was singing Frosty  )

I have read alot of messageboards, most Walkaways seem to at least feel something towards their spouse....at least some doubt. Not mine, no 2nd thoughts at all.

I have given space, I don't call, text, bug...etc...but I feel helpless when it comes to my boys.

I am NOT a part-time Dad! My boys need someone to fight for their family.


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

also, thanks so much to all that replied so far. It makes a difference knowing others are going through it also.

We need to make a Walkaway spouse dictionary thread....who wants to start?


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