# Would you be willing to R after an Affair?



## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Wanted to get some input from everyone on here...

After discovering a spouse has been having a sexual affair would you consider reconciliation if they agreed to end it and work on the marriage....or would you not be able to get past the betrayal of the affair and cut your loses and move on? Why or why not? 

I realize there are many factors that come into play when making this decision...kids, length of affair, etc. So feel free to go into detail.



I know with my own case, I originally wanted nothing more than to make things work with my wife after her affair...but as the past month has dragged on and my mind has cleared, I find it harder and harder. Even though she's trying her best and shows remorse, I can't help but to look at her with disgust. Each and every day I'm constantly reminded of what she's done and it eats away at me. I'm beginning to realize that perhaps she killed the love we once shared for one another and it may be best to just move on without her (as hard as that may be). It's a hard, if not impossible, decision to make


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's up to each individual person. Not many can make it work for the better. Most stay for kids or financial reasons and not for love anymore.

My wife stayed because she's a better person. I personally would have been out the door before she even opened her mouth to try and explain anything.

It just depends on you if you can truly find a way to love that new person next to you because like everyone says, the old love you had died already the day they cheated.

Never stay for kids, financial security, etc...If you can't stand to even look at the other person every day that you wake up, then it's time to get out IMO.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

There are just so many factors that would have to be taken into consideration. Under most circumstances though I think a PA would be the end of the marriage for me. After what I've been through recently I just don't think I'd be able to get the thought of my husband with another woman out of my head enough to stay with him.

However, while I don't think there's ever any excuse for an affair, I do think there are instances where marriages are in such bad shape that something bad was bound to happen. If I found out he'd had an affair, and upon reflection felt honestly that I'd been negligent in my duties as a wife to the extent that I felt somewhat responsible then maybe I'd give him another chance. 

It's really just all speculation.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Only you can answer that question for yourself. It really doesn't matter what others have or have not done.

But since you did ask - If my wife had a drunken ONS and told me immediately and begged forgiveness - maybe. 

But an ongoing affair with all the lies and betrayal that bring into the picture - No I don't think I could move past that. It implies a lot of planning and deception. It implies that your feelings did not even register during the affair. It implies that the well being of your children was not a factor. Most of all it implies that the feelings she had/has for the OM blacked out your marriage completely. Hard to come back from that.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I've been coming to terms with some things recently. My husband and I have reconciled and our marriage is completely changed for the better, but..

Sometimes, I don't like being the woman who stayed with her husband after all of his infidelities. 

Sometimes, I envy those who moved on to a brand new life.

Sometimes, despite all of the positive changes my husband has made, I look at him and fleeting moments when I think about what an a**h*** he used to be and I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Sometimes, though we have no children, I feel trapped. Like I was robbed of the choice to leave the marriage because his infidelity left me with a physical reminder I can never get rid of. I'm damaged goods and could never date again.

Sometimes, like now, I'm full of self-pity and I hate it. I know there are so many others in this world who have been dealt worse hands in life than I and I do take full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of my marriage. I still don't understand why he didn't divorce me instead of completely disrespecting me and risking my health.

I would never reconcile after infidelity again. I would pack up and leave without looking back. It's just too painful at times. Yes, my marriage is better, but all of the good is tainted. Atleast, that's how I feel today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No. I'm my case it turned out to be a deal breaker. It wasn't because I didn't love my wife, it was because of the trauma I experienced when I found the video of her and the OM having sex (no mind movie but real live movie). 

The divorce was part of my personal recovery. I would be lying if I said that divorcing her was not painful, it was excruciatingly painful. I sought therapy as well to deal with the pain.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Having cheated on my husband, I'm in no position to say I wouldn't at least try to forgive and fix what went wrong.

After my A, my husband told me about that one night at a bar with his work buddies. Everyone else was going at it with some the ladies of the night while he was the only one that didn't. Instead he says he just sat at the bar with that girl, drinking.
He says someone took pictures of them standing next to each other and the guys encouraged him to kiss her and take a picture of that. He said he didn't and did get a hold of the picture standing next to her later one and distroyed it. He told me this after he found out about my A, about 9 years after the fact.
Did he sleep with her? I don't know, he was drunk. I don't think he knows either, not 100%, not for sure. He says he didn't tell me back then because of fear I would freak out. Back then I was a lot younger with a little kid at home. I know I wouldn't have left, I know I would have stayed and I know I would have demanded he stop drinking.

I'm older now and have been at the other side. My main concern would be if he loved her and why he did it. My reaction and direction would depend on these two things. I also know that the "Did you love her" question couldn't be answered as long as he would be in the fog. So I would give it time for him to figure out and tell me why he did it and if he loved her/wants to leave me.
However, if confronted with the situation, it might be totally different.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

I think you'd have to be put in that position to give an answer. But if you were to ask me right now, I'd have to say- HELL NO!


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I could never forgive an affair..its a deal breaker for me,but in my case I never cheated on my wife,and after she cheated I never had a desire for RA...I just filed for D the next day after D-day...

In your situation if I remember your original thread correctly you cheated on your wife earlier in marriage...now she cheated but on the other hand she was way more disrespectful to you by having sex in hotel while you were with the kids on the parking lot...and to make things worse she sad that she is back only because the OM dumped her and decided to work on his marriage...

She actually told you that you are her second choice and this would be hard to digest for me if she were my wife...

But this is only your decision and you should base your decision on your personal feelings and thoughts and I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I did. It was a huge mistake. He only continued cheating. We divorced in June 2011. I would never again R with a cheater.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Not a deal breaker for me. In my case I think both of us got a second chance on our relationship.
In my case there is a degree of forgiveness that we have both given.

I would have to say if I wasn't so abusive and was a better man in my youth as a husband, I would take her infidelity alot harder maybe even a deal breaker.

I'm wired a little different and when it comes to sex...(the physical aspects) I know I'm better then any of the OM she's been with and she is lucky to have me. Granted I was a shelfish lover and my lack of intimacy needed work but I can lay some pipe, I just have a hard time showing love.

I think my ego prevents me from jealosy.LOL

So the big point here is the degree of forgiveness we have for each other.

Second big factor is the submission and the the fact that my fWW has given her self to me. A change in life style for her, and that I must not take advandage of. Believe me it very eays to do.


We both have huge regrets with in our old marriage, but whats interesting is being healthier people with better behaviors and sharing these expanding behaviors with the person we fell in love with 20 years ago.

Its wierd, both of us can just bail from each other, the kids are grown, own more then we owe and are still in our young 40's, but for some reason we are now meeting each others needs, so wehy do we need to go there when we have something new going on with each other.

We are at apoint were if it ever got as bad as it did we both aren't afraid to say screw it...it aint worken and bail. Its just not as bad as it was and its working for us....some how its just working for us???????????


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

We reconciled after my H's affair. I am glad we did, we are in a much better place, and he finally got treatment for his PTSD. 

Its definately hard, and not for everyone, but for us it was worth it. But he is very aware that this is his only chance. Muck it up again and you are out on your arse.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

To: *LuvMyH* 
Your story is so similar to mine. I feel exactly like you do. I'm dealing with the aftermath of the PA my husband had as well. We are working through it, but I'm so worried about the possibility of health issues as well. I haven't had the nerve yet to see a doctor. Can I ask, what problems you are having? I'm scared and know I need to have a check up but can't make myself go.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife had unprotected sex with OM after you showed up at the hotel with your kids. That is a huge amount of utter disrespect. She got back together after the OM dumped her. She will most likely do it again once the guilt subsides.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seangar,

She screwed your marriage over for what 2 months + a night in a hotel.

I think you should give it at least that long.

Look get a baby sitter for the kids and go spend a good night in a hotel soon. Enjoy one another as a couple again.

You've cheated, she's cheated more recently, both are wrong, both are remorseful. Give it some time to work itself out.

Not to mention, it's too darn complicated to have to explain to a new person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seangar,

She screwed your marriage over for what 2 months + a night in a hotel.

I think you should give it at least that long.

Look get a baby sitter for the kids and go spend a good night in a hotel soon. Enjoy one another as a couple again.

You've cheated, she's cheated more recently, both are wrong, both are remorseful. Give it some time to work itself out.

Not to mention, it's too darn complicated to have to explain to a new person.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Wow. Helpful thread. Depressing though...especially when you want R so badly, but questioning it too much as well.

Whatever your decision is, I hope it'll be the right one (the best one) for you. But if your W really did stay with you only as a 2nd option, even I would tell you to bail out... 

And my God @Morituri - You saw their sex tape???? I too would never be able to live with that. It's bad enough images of what they could have done keep replaying on my head....but to actually see it... can't fathom the trauma and pain you went through!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

@Morituri How did you find out the sextape? You mention it several times in your threads


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That hotel thing might be a big trigger Shaggy, but if its not then go for it Sean.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I found the video on her photobucket account.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I actually tried for R after a couple Pa's and several Ea's. He dragged his but and never did any lifting, never mind the heavy lifting he needed to do. What really pushed me to D was after some pretty invasive surgery I came down with pneumonia, they wanted to keep me in over night. However, they let me go home under adult supervision. My exh drove me home and went out to get my medications. He dropped them off in a flury, he was late getting to a softball game. This was all done less than an hour after the "I am so sorry for what I've done, I promise I will always be there for you, I'll never hurt you again" speech. I must have been out of it due to the fever, I missed the clause that excluded hockey and softball season.

In the end it was my realization that he wasn't capable of loving anyone other than himself, that made me D his sorry ass.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> In the end it was my realization that he wasn't capable of loving anyone other than himself, that made me D his sorry ass.


:iagree:

Right now, I also don't feel like R much, but I know it's mostly because I don't feel like he's still putting me first. Whatever that means...


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Boy - that's tough Sean. This is to be expected. 

I watched a Dr Phil show last night with my wife on infidelity - I think the take-away from that show, made sense (and it was irregardless whether kids were involved or not) had to do with - you shouldn't divorce her until you get to the point of indifference - not hate, not anger, but indifference.

If she's really doing the heavy lifting, I think she deserves the consideration. 

I have to admit though, I would have a difficult time with a physical affair (emotional affairs are bad enough as well!). I think what would make it worse for me would be the mental movies - especially the night in the hotel with the OM - while you and kids were outside. 

Ask yourself, would it have made the difference if she had this affair on the side without your knowledge, and then came forward to tell you about it after she determined to end it, or is it really better to be the 2nd choice as a result of OM throwing her under the bus?

If you divorce her, make sure you get to the point of indifference before doing so. You owe it to yourself, the kids, and to her. 

Good luck! 

(Moderators - is there ANYWAY to get a subscription on the poster, not on the thread? I hate almost missing the ones I'm following!)


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I would always want to R with my wife. Easy for me to say because we're not faced with that situation though. I think it would be much easier to forgive a one night stand than an extended multi-month love fest. I can forgive the physical much easier than the emotional... if that makes any sense.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Sean

From what I remember of your thread, you worked HARD to get your wife back. You had major screw-ups along the way, but you listened, learned and eventually you got her back. After all you've been through, I think you owe it to yourself to see if you can make it work. If her love could come back, maybe yours can too.

Your wife is in IC as part of your conditions for R, correct? If you're not in IC yourself, arrange for it. You need to heal from this properly, whether you continue your marriage or not.

BTW - how have things been going otherwise since your last thread? Did your WW quit her job? Have you gotten a new one? How was your Christmas?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Never. I understand people have history, invested alot into the relationship, children etc however I will never be able to get past it. Whatever sweet moment I have with them I'd be automatically reminded by their betrayal. Whatever act of intimacy we have, the "ickiness factor" will just go into over drive and I will be overwhelmed by a sense of disgust. Coupled with the paranoia and lack of trust and the never ending questions as to what I did to deserve this/ why she did this, I think by the end there will be no love in the relationship just an existence.

I commend people that have gotten past it, you're truly remarkable people, I just can't see myself ever doing it.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I commend people that have gotten past it, you're truly remarkable people, I just can't see myself ever doing it.


:iagree:

What I am most surprised about though is that I first thought I would NEVER consider R if my H had an A. Then after he had an EA, I thought I could stick to R if he wanted it, whatever happens. Now that I found out about his PA, I don't know anymore!

I thought I was stronger and knew myself better!!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, it's a big deal breaker for me. Once that trust is broken, it's very difficult to get it back. I left the day I found out my ex cheated on me, I packed up my daughter and we left for good. My ex was also abusive, I should of left sooner.

I very highly doubt my husband would ever do this to me, but he knows it's a deal breaker on my end. I have nothing to worry though, my husband and I have a fabulous marriage. However, I left once and I could leave again under those circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No mulligan for a PA.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I am on record on this obviously

I didn't think I would R fater my wife's PA but I did and I am glad I did, that doesn't mean that I think everyone should however. There are many factors at play to get a true R and most people don't get those met.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Seangar said:


> Wanted to get some input from everyone on here...
> 
> After discovering a spouse has been having a sexual affair would you consider reconciliation if they agreed to end it and work on the marriage....or would you not be able to get past the betrayal of the affair and cut your loses and move on? Why or why not?
> 
> ...


i played this game with my stbxw for 14 years.
never again.
if it happened in a new relationship no questions asked, im gone.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My gut reaction is no, I wouldn't reconcile. My husband knows this too. I asked him what his response is to this question. He says he would reconcile if I had a ONS and not a long-term EA or PA. That's what he says now. I bet he'll sing a different tune if I cheated. 

I haven't faced the situation myself. I hope never to. An affair is a deal breaker for me. It's pretty black and white. It's no compliment to me if my husband says he chose me over her. Shouldn't he have chosen me all along? :scratchhead: How loved will I feel if after the affair he wants to be with me? No thanks. I can just picture my family pressuring me to R after an affair because that's just the way they are, but I can resist their attempts.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> It's no compliment to me if my husband says he chose me over her. Shouldn't he have chosen me all along? :scratchhead: How loved will I feel if after the affair he wants to be with me? No thanks.


thats right.
feels pretty crappy to know you are the 2nd, 3rd, 5th choice of someone youre already married to.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

Happy New Years everyone! Thanks to those that have helped me get through this rough time, here's to the new year being better than the last! 

Anyhow, I didn't really start this thread in regards to my own personal situation, I just wanted to get a general consensus of how many people would pursue R after an affair or if it was a deal breaker. 


(Here comes a rant, sorry it’s a bit off topic)

I know personally, I originally thought that if my wife ever had an affair or had sex with another man... I would want nothing to do with her and that would be the end of our marriage (especially after our previous separation). Sex, once that line is crossed there's no coming back I felt. Unfortunately, I have gotten the chance to experience this horrible ordeal first hand and I have obviously had a change of heart. I think it was impossible to really predict what I would do until actually dealing with the real circumstances. When push comes to shove, it's pretty hard to give up on the person who you've loved for 10 years, who's been your rock in life, the mother of your kids, your best friend. 

One thing I have learned throughout all of this is just how powerful the ADDICTION from having an affair is. It truly is the equivalent to someone being addicted to heroin, perhaps even stronger. Everyday there’s examples of people throwing there lives away just for the short excitement an affair brings (politicians, actors, etc). Concerning my wife, it completely transformed her as a person...she was unrecognizable...and there was nothing I could do to change that while she was in the fog. The only thing that was strong enough to finally snap her out of it was exposing the OM to his wife (thanks for the help guys). After this he left my wife and immediately ran back to his (after having sex with my wife for the first time in their affair). In her eyes, she was giving him something special (he was the first man she's been with besides me in 10 years), and he immediately threw her away and ran back to his wife afterwards. Sadly, this was the hard dose of reality she needed to wake up from her fantasy. Now she’s come back to me and wants to do whatever it takes to make things work. 

So does that make me her back up plan? Or did she simply succumb to the powerful emotions the affair provided…and do whatever it took to feed that addiction and keep her fantasy alive (how can a personal make a rational decision in this state of mind)? I’m not sure; this is something I’m struggling with. It’s an awful feeling, being a second choice. 

I’ve asked her, “Why were you willing to throw everything away for him, you picked a lesser man over me?” She’s said, “At the time I didn’t feel like I was throwing anything away, I was caught up in moment and the excitement, I was incapable of seeing anything else”. So apparently she didn't feel like she was throwing anything away, she felt like our marriage was over. Which she now realizes she felt this way because of her emotional fog caused by the affair (as a way to justify it). She realizes that her feelings/relationship with the OM weren’t real, it was just a fantasy. But she was so caught up she didn't have the strength to end it (remember she tried, but the OM remained persistent). She’s thanked me for doing everything I have to end the affair. She’s said it’s scary to think about what would have happened if I had not.

Concerning our R, I’m still not sure if it’s possible or not…but I’m doing my best to give her/us a chance. We still have a long ways to go and a ton of things to figure out. This is the most painful thing I’ve experienced and the thought of her and him being together still almost brings me to my knees. The burning question for me is WHY/HOW did she let this happen? This is something she still hasn’t really figured out; she thinks something’s wrong with her. But this is a question she’s going to have to answer if we’re to get passed this and if she’s going to learn from this mistake and grow as a person. I feel like perhaps it could also help me understand and heal…

Has her abusive childhood played a role? She’s always been somewhat of an emotional wreck. Since getting on anti-depressant meds, she’s done a lot better and our marriage improved tremendously. But she still has deep issues to deal with from her childhood. She has low self-esteem, easily influenced, addictive personality. If a person doesn’t love themselves, how can they love someone else…right?

Is it because we’ve been together since we were 17? She never got a chance to experience the single life or really discover/develop her own identity?

Was it because she was unable to communicate to me how stressed she was or her emotional needs? Did she just have a break down after our money situation (read first post). In my eyes our marriage was the best it’s ever been, we were happy…regardless of our money situation.

Did her new job bartending tempt her with a new exciting single life style? She’s worked in the restaurant/bar industry for 6 years, so honestly her being a bartender shouldn’t have been a huge issue. She’s used to guys hitting on her and showing her attention, up until this point it’s never affected her and she’s remained faithful (granted this bar is worse than the other places she’s worked).

Was there something special about the OM? He’s the only man she’s ever lowered her guard to. Was she just to weak to ignore his constant advances and finally caved in? She says when the OM originally came into her bar she didn’t like him and wasn’t attracted to him, but as he continued to come in and talk to her that changed. Now after the fact, she says she doesn’t know what she saw in him, that he was a meathead (during the affair she basically said it was b/c he was new, exciting, showed her attention, made her feel special, took her places and had fun).


We have a lot of things working against us, we always have. I guess to me that’s what made our love so incredible.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What I am most surprised about though is that I first thought I would NEVER consider R if my H had an A. Then after he had an EA, I thought I could stick to R if he wanted it, whatever happens. Now that I found out about his PA, I don't know anymore!
> 
> I thought I was stronger and knew myself better!!!


I'm so sorry DesperateHeart. You're an amazing person for being so forgiving despite all you're going through.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMO a back up plan is when a wayward R for convienence and there is no remorse, no change in behaviors or lifestyle.

My take is you know your not a back up plan when the wayward puts *everything* a side and completely submits to a life style of graditude and respect for the betrayed. An action thats undeniable, not just words.

In a sense, actions that show an effort of healing the betrayed by the wayward. Face it, it takes a real effort to be continuely bashed for adultory and stick around and bear the burden. At least for the next 2-5 years. A commitment by the wayward that makes the R worth while for the loyal spouse.

I'm a firm believer in the more consequences your W excepts, and the length of time she can bear them is worth the investment to R.

It will always be you choice to bail at any time when this crap happens. Just like it is her choice to except the consequence and heal the marriage (and her self) for how ever long it takes or how evr long you can deal with it.

Its tough and sitting in a parking lot asking for your wife, or hearing about the 20 people a spouse has slept with is a degree we as loyals have to evaluate in making a dicision to R.


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