# wife mad that I masturbated. wtf?



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I made an agreement with my wife about a month or so ago that to help with fixing our relationship through our period of reconciling I said I wouldn't look at porn or masturbate. Those were two kind of go hand and hand when I did dumb stuff in the past. Anyway, tonight she went out with her friends, I was home alone with my son, soon as he fell asleep, that urge I had been craving all day hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell for it. I messed around and they got home earlier than I anticipated. Lol soon as I heard the door close I shut my laptop down and ran to the bathroom. I would have thought she was going to just chill with them in the livng room for a bit but she headed straight to the bedroom. I was in the bathroom trying to hurry and wipe my hands off but she saw the A and D ointment (best lube ever. You get the minty sensation plus protect if ur skin rips easy like mine). She had the look of anger and disappointment. She's been texting me these angry messages. I really didn't want to apologize but the only reason I did was because I did promise her that. Idk what happened. Its like it was just a couple of days ago we had sex but my motor has still been running since then. She was sick yesterday and I told her tonight to if she wanted anything to wake me up when she got back from being out. When she replied with "hahahahaha" I was like wtf! Replies like that automatically makes me think she takes it for a joke, not seriously, or she's not attracted to me to do such a thing after going out drinking. I'm so frustrated. Its like a catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I wanted to tell her so bad that if she was providing sex daily then that's an agreement that's much easier to stick to. You can't expect a man to stop doing that when sex is still on a random schedule. What is a man to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What exactly happened in the past?

You should be able to madturbate if she doesn't want sex. 

How often does she reject you?
Does she have resentment and trust issues because of something you did?

Why do you need to use porn? Masturbate without it if your wife doesn't like porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Well I use to do it constantly, the two, when we first got married up until we split. I had an affair in the past with a woman quite sometime which she end up finding out about one night when I came home drunk out of my mind. She ended up talking to the woman eventually and she told my W everything under the sun that happened between us. 

As far as the two, I use to do it out of resentment because my W wouldn't have sex with me. Sometimes she would fall asleep and I sneak into the living to rub one or two out. Sometimes she would wake up and see me, go back to bed angry. I felt like now if I removed both from the equasion I wouldn't be horny all the time and I wouldn't want to cheat or think of another woman. Porn really can have a negative effect on a relationship no matter how you see it or how strong you think you are.

Hmmm.... As of right now I couldn't really put a number on it. I've try to control my libido since we got back together so I don't initiate as often as I would or use to. I would say out of the times we had sex versus the times I tried prior to that, probably 65% of the time I got rejected. I mean I could blame bad timing but I just don't think she is sexually attracted to me like that yet. It has something to do with resentment from the past and who else knows what.

I used porn tonight because it gets me off quick and consistently. I know what I like and I know what satisfies my hunger when I need it. I only used cause I really wanted sex from her but that text reminded me of how I would send nude photos of myself and she either wouldn't reply or she would make a joke about the pic like my facial hair or something in the background. I just wish she would hurry and get there mentally. She always tells me you can't put a timeframe on reconciliation or how she grow to be who she was when we met. Idk what to do nemore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hmm, well with the background info it definitely seems like there's a lot more going on than her just being mad that you looked at porn and masturbated. I imagine she feels her trust has been betrayed once more... 

Also - I know how important sex is to a man but don't "blame" her for your actions... You are accountable for what you do... No one else made you do it... Including to agree to the conditions when you got back together. I gotta admit, I'd be more than peeved if I were in her shoes... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When he suggested they do it when she gets home she basically laughed in his face (via text). And he masturbated after. I probably would have done the same thing after that. But I wouldn't have apologized. I would have let her know exactly what I thought of her text though.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I might have sent something like "Haha" to my own husband if he sent me a text like that... Maybe because I was distracted at the moment, or because I am shy and don't really know how to respond to forwardness... In either case, he didn't wait for her to come home and reject him in person, OR text her and tell her that he was feeling tempted... Communication is so important... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Let's see. You masturbated constantly, had an affair. You admit that probably caused resentment and might explain her not being attracted to you. You did other unspecified "dumb stuff." The two of you split. Then, to reconcile, you made a promise of no porn and no masturbation. The first chance you get you break your promise.

If that's the best case you can make for yourself, I can only imagine what we'd hear as her side of the story. Based on what's here, I fully understand her anger.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep that would do it.

I'm on a no masturbation 'rule'/request myself. It stems from an incident a little while ago when, as we were dropping off to sleep after a reasonably energetic bedtime session my wife said that she didn't think there would be any nookie the next day (can't remember the reason why).
I woke up horny, and normally knowing that I would get relief that night I would 'save myself' for later. However knowing that there was no relief to be had and not fancying walking around all day feeling horny (it can get uncomfortable) I serviced myself 2 or 3 times that day.
As luck would have it that night sex was on after all but she was horny and I had great difficulty performing. I eventually admitted to the masturbation and she made me promise not to masturbate anymore. She assured me that she wanted to take care of all my sexual needs and even if she was unwilling/unable to indulge in PIV sex she would always make sure I got the relief I need.

It has worked really well for us and very often when she starts handling my penis it turns her on and we end up having sex anyway, so win win.

I'm not sure if needguidance would be able to work something like that out with his wife as reading quickly through his posts it seems that following EA's on both sides his wife went from HD to L/MD. However it might be worth bringing it up with her.

Although I think one of the problems is that porn/masturbation can be a little bit like an addiction.


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## old pilot (Oct 9, 2012)

I ran out in the backyard and masterbated 3 times. when the dust settled I got a standing ovation from the roofers working next door.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

old pilot said:


> I ran out in the backyard and masterbated 3 times. when the dust settled I got a standing ovation from the roofers working next door.


:lol: LOL!
Funniest thing I've read in....ages !!

Geez...OP it is YOUR body you can do with it what you like.

Having said that I can empathize with her dissapointment upon coming home and finding you already 'spent' for the evening....

:sleeping:


:sleeping:




:sleeping:


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You cheated.

For me that would take many years and a lot of proof of change and trust to even begin to get over it.

To me and many women a good sex life starts with trust. 

You continue to betray her trust by doing things you have a greed not to do.

if you feel you can't live without masturbation, then don't agree to not masturbate. Dont' be a pushover or doormat, just to have peace, but be aware that you need to compromise, and consider her needs and the situation you have created.

Stop using porn. Just stop. If you are having trouble alone, there are websites that can help you and go to counseling.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Yep that would do it.
> 
> I'm on a no masturbation 'rule'/request myself. It stems from an incident a little while ago when, as we were dropping off to sleep after a reasonably energetic bedtime session my wife said that she didn't think there would be any nookie the next day (can't remember the reason why).
> I woke up horny, and normally knowing that I would get relief that night I would 'save myself' for later. However knowing that there was no relief to be had and not fancying walking around all day feeling horny (it can get uncomfortable) I serviced myself 2 or 3 times that day.
> ...


:iagree:

This has happened a few times between myself and my husband - where he has not wanted to "bother" me and has done his own thing, thinking he wouldn't get any action. The truth is, I very rarely take anything sexual completely off the table. Even if I'm mad at him, there is something he could do or say (besides "revenge masturbation"). I prefer it to be that way, since, as other posters have mentioned, once you're "spent" sex is probably off the table for awhile. 

2 or 3 times in one day?? My gosh! :blush: lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

waiwera said:


> :lol: LOL!
> Funniest thing I've read in....ages !!
> 
> Geez...OP it is YOUR body you can do with it what you like.
> ...


Ordinarily, I would agree with the fact that it's his body and he can masturbate if he wants. However, in this case, he made the promise, ridiculous as it was, to his wife that he would not masturbate. He did it anyway. It isn't about the act, it's about trust...and the fact that he can't keep a promise. Rather than admit to his wife that he "can't" stop, he just went ahead and did it. I would have no problem with my husband masturbating. However, if he made a promise to me, for whatever reason, that he wouldn't and then did it anyway, behind my back, I'd be pissed too. I think OP needs to have a talk about this with his wife.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Considering that you have already stepped out once on her and she turns down your sexual requests, she should be glad that you're jerkin off and not cheating again. 

If the masturbation gets in the way of your sexual performance, then it becomes an issue. If nor, it's merely a survival tactic for us horny guys.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Considering that you have already stepped out once on her and she turns down your sexual requests, she should be glad that you're jerkin off and not cheating again.
> 
> If the masturbation gets in the way of your sexual performance, then it becomes an issue. If nor, it's merely a survival tactic for us horny guys.


Again, except for the fact that HE MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Stupid promise, I know. But he did it. Not her fault that he can't keep a promise...nor is it her fault that he couldn't be bothered to tell her "This I can't do. I don't want to cheat on you. This is the alternative." He didn't do that. He did it when he was certain she wasn't going to be home any time soon, and she showed up anyway. He tried to hide it from her. Bad move on his part.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think most people are missing the boat on this. The OP is addicted to porn and masturbation. Not everyone can handle pornography use without becoming addicted to it. As with most addictions, you will always want to crave more and more. As such, the OP probably used porn as a gateway to an actual physical affair. Without knowing a lot about his marital history, I'm guessing that his wife turns him down for sex more because of the porn use and the physical affair as opposed to her being simply LD. That's what I took from this post anyways.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Again, except for the fact that HE MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Stupid promise, I know. But he did it. Not her fault that he can't keep a promise...nor is it her fault that he couldn't be bothered to tell her "This I can't do. I don't want to cheat on you. This is the alternative." He didn't do that. He did it when he was certain she wasn't going to be home any time soon, and she showed up anyway. He tried to hide it from her. Bad move on his part.


This. Plus the fact that they have multiple issues that they're trying to resolve (apparently) by sweeping them under the rug. Like rather than dealing with some of the root causes, they'll just stop the negative behaviours and pretend everything is better.

For right now though... If you want to rebuild her trust in you, you have to follow through on any promises or commitments you make to her. If you say you'll be home at 6, don't come strolling in 2 hours later.  If you promised no contact with your AP, then you better not initiate ANY contact with her. And if you promise you won't spank your monkey, then keep it in your pants. If you can't do that, then don't promise it. If she doesn't like that you won't promise that, then deal with the reason why she wants you to promise that. IMHO, she has no right to ask you not to choke your chicken if she rejects you sexually. She gets "right of first refusal", but that's where her rights end. But that was before you cheated on her, and before your promise.

C


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

you shouldn't promise not to masturbate unless she promises to take care of your sexually needs daily (or whatever your mastrubation frequency is)... 

A woman who asks this has no understanding of what her husband needs.... Who do you expect will teach her this? That ought to be you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I think most people are missing the boat on this. The OP is addicted to porn and masturbation. Not everyone can handle pornography use without becoming addicted to it. As with most addictions, you will always want to crave more and more. As such, the OP probably used porn as a gateway to an actual physical affair. Without knowing a lot about his marital history, I'm guessing that his wife turns him down for sex more because of the porn use and the physical affair as opposed to her being simply LD. That's what I took from this post anyways.


There's a world of difference between "can't" stop masturbating and "won't" stop masturbating. Until he's been diagnosed with and is in therapy for a sexual addiction, my vote is for he won't stop. Sexual addictions are an easy copout. And unless you're getting help for it, the results are the same anyway.

C


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

divorce her

this wont end well

she is controlling and cruel by saying "hahahahahha"

what a joke a "spouse" could behave in a manner.

also did you or her cheat?

all horrible


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

My guy cheated with a ONS and consistantly tried cheating again and again. His porn habit only perpetuated that need for "extra" aside from our relationship. He didn't have sex with me for 3 months because he was too focused on porn and trying to get it from somewhere else. 

Your wife wants to know that you want her. That you will wait for her. That she is more important to you than sex. You need to make her a priority. If you are horny, you come on to her and let her know you want her. 

If she says no, you take it. Understand, you put these wheels in motion. You forced a tainted relationship on her by cheating. Deal with it. Her needs are more important right now, and you porning it up and getting yourself off tells her that to you YOUR needs are more important and you don't need or want her. 

Everytime you look at porn, she sees you having sex with the OW. That's just the way it is.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> you shouldn't promise not to masturbate unless she promises to take care of your sexually needs daily (or whatever your mastrubation frequency is)...
> 
> A woman who asks this has no understanding of what her husband needs.... Who do you expect will teach her this? That ought to be you.


His "needs" went to bottom of the priority list when he cheated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> divorce her
> 
> this wont end well
> 
> ...


See post #3...

C


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> she is controlling and cruel by saying "hahahahahha"


That's not really a fair call, to say that she is "controlling and cruel". You have no idea what the context of the situation and conversation was.

It's true she didn't say "yes" - but she didn't say "no" either. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> That's not really a fair call, to say that she is "controlling and cruel". You have no idea what the context of the situation and conversation was.
> 
> It's true she didn't say "yes" - but she didn't say "no" either. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really agree with that. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I think some of you are blowing this up bigger than what it is. I appreciate all of the advice. To clear a few things up I dont have an addiction to either of the two. As I said both go hand in hand but its not like Im looking at for the hell of it or choke the chicken just because its noon. No, the fact is I wanted her. She knows when I am sex deprived because I get really grumpy, I dont talk as much and I become very distant. Natually these are things I can not help. Thats just how my body reacts to being rejected, not taken seriously when I reach out intimately, or when I become disappointed with her. I wish I could put a smile on my face and accept but sorry, I see it as being an unacceptable act. As I said, the only reason I made the promise was because I figured it would enhance things. Not to mention we had an agreement for us both not to do it, left that part out. I figured if niether of us did it then it would definitely create the desire for us both to want each other. Ive never had a problem performing after it, still get the same kicks off.

I know this woman is not LD. When all the S* hit the fan right before we reconciled she told me a lot of stuff that happened during the separation as did I. She was getting her rocks off daily and it wasnt just one person she was going to it for. Naturally she could just be LD from our past but Ive showed her I have changed. Yesterday was a small error on my part, I get that. Can you really be bent out of shape about it though? A broken promise is a broken promise. At the end of the of the day am I getting what I want on a daily basis? Of course not! Otherwise I would have thought twice about doing or I would have no interest to do it at all if she was there sexually. I complained to before the affair, after the affair and even now that I enjoy sex with her. I dont like the lack of frequency, thats it. I cant understand how she does everything else great. She cooks, very clean, if I ever needed money she will give it to me (but I will never ask), excellent mother, she's not as organized or good with money as I'd like her to be but that can be worked on, it seems like she just doesnt get it sexually though. There is like some mental block that she just doesnt get that I want intimacy from her. Now originally when I was F* up I could care less about kissing her or holding her hand while we were out but now I am the complete reverse. Before I still wanted her sexually, that has never changed but it's really hard to give full energy to two people. Somebody is going to get treated better and it wasnt my W. I just feel like if she still had that much resentment when I showed her I changed before we started reconciling, why even invest the time stepping back into it? I honestly didnt step back into to be back in a sexless marriage. It's like I understand why it was sexless in the first place, but now that I am here 110% removing all the dumb factors that plagued us before, why are we still at this roadblock? Plus its been three months! I think the last thing left is MC, she didnt even say I love you this morning when I went to work. Still mad?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Dude, it was a promise you made TOGETHER. And you BROKE it. It's not the same as "I'll do the dishes" and something gets in the way. This was something you knew would piss her off. I think you are right though. I think you need to go see a MC. But now? Don't make promises you can't keep. If you can't/don't want to stop masturbating, then don't promise your wife that you can and will.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You really shouldn't have made that promise. If more frequent sex was a condition for the promise not to masturbate then that should have been said up front. Like, as long as you get sex every day or every other day then you won't do it. I understand that it's not reasonable to go without release. So don't make unreasonable promises.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

needguidance said:


> It's like I understand why it was sexless in the first place, but now that I am here 110% removing all the dumb factors that plagued us before, why are we still at this roadblock? Plus its been three months! I think the last thing left is MC, she didnt even say I love you this morning when I went to work. Still mad?


To me, three months doesn't seem that long a period when you're talking about restoring trust after an affair.

You've written a lot about what you see as your needs. Have you talked with your wife about her needs?


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## SexxxMarriage (Aug 20, 2012)

Advice for other members of the board:

Don't let a sexual partner dictate to you how, when, or if you masturbate. Don't get angry if they seem insulted or upset, but kindly tell your s/o that you enjoy masturbating. If he or she can't handle it, let them go. Let them go find someone else who will pretend to give them control, who will pretend not to masturbate. 

I would say exactly the same thing about porn, I think the same general rule applies; don't let your mate dictate your sexual preferences. You can remain calm, cool, and collected, but don't ever concede control of your body in this way to your lover.

I would find a polite way to tell her that you enjoy masturbating, sometimes to pornography, and you're not going to stop. It's not a debate, and it's not open to negotiation. 

That's my take on it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

:iagree: however, in this case, when you are trying to rebuild trust in a relationship, you just can't break a promise. 

It's kinda late now to say it though. 

OP, I'm not certain you really understand that a broken promise is a broken promise. Not when there has been cheating.

So are you going to break your promise to your vows \ marriage again too and seek sex elsewhere? That's what a betrayed person thinks. That's why it's important. 

Anyways... my suggestion to you would be TO masturbate, everyday. But without porn.

There is something to learn by doing it without porn. 

And maybe think about the BOTH of you doing it together. 
Don't make it all about yourself. Include her. Think about ways you can do that. Don't take this as getting her to give you a bj, either. Think about ways you can both M. Just another version of sex. But she's included.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

She should do her homework. Almost all guys bomp the baloney and almost all guys deny it in mixed company. We still have guilt attached to it. But we still do it, and always will.

Jerkin' the gherkin is something us guys have with us from about age 13 onwards. We use it to relieve stress, "clean the pipes" and improve performance before an important date, and generally to take up the slack when our female better halves don't want it as often as we do, and that happens often - even in a healthy marriage. Heck - four or five days of every month that's all us guys have 

My wife has her vibrator for those nights when I'm working, and I'm fine with that. And I can always spank the frank when circumstances dictate. She's also fine with that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> She should do her homework. Almost all guys bomp the baloney and almost all guys deny it in mixed company. We still have guilt attached to it. But we still do it, and always will.
> 
> Jerkin' the gherkin is something us guys have with us from about age 13 onwards. We use it to relieve stress, "clean the pipes" and improve performance before an important date, and generally to take up the slack when our female better halves don't want it as often as we do, and that happens often - even in a healthy marriage. Heck - four or five days of every month that's all us guys have
> 
> My wife has her vibrator for those nights when I'm working, and I'm fine with that. And I can always spank the frank when circumstances dictate. She's also fine with that.


You have quite a way with words lol.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> She should do her homework. Almost all guys bomp the baloney and almost all guys deny it in mixed company. We still have guilt attached to it. But we still do it, and always will.
> 
> Jerkin' the gherkin is something us guys have with us from about age 13 onwards. We use it to relieve stress, "clean the pipes" and improve performance before an important date, and generally to take up the slack when our female better halves don't want it as often as we do, and that happens often - even in a healthy marriage. Heck - four or five days of every month that's all us guys have
> 
> My wife has her vibrator for those nights when I'm working, and I'm fine with that. And I can always spank the frank when circumstances dictate. She's also fine with that.


That's all well and good, but irrelevant here because this is a situation of a couple that had separated after the husband had an affair and apparently engaged in other "dumb stuff in the past." As part of the attempted reconciliation he promised not to clean the pipes, spank the frank, bomp the baloney, continue jerkin the gherkin, choke the chicken, or whatever other euphemisms you can come up with. Probably a stupid promise, but a promise. When you've already got trust issues, it's not a good idea not to keep a promise.

My take is that there's a lot more wrong with their relationship that we haven't heard, and the W probably isn't going to come around. But the male need to masturbate isn't really the question.


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## SexxxMarriage (Aug 20, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> That's all well and good, but ... As part of the attempted reconciliation he promised not to clean the pipes, spank the frank, bomp the baloney, continue jerkin the gherkin, choke the chicken, or whatever other euphemisms you can come up with. Probably a stupid promise, but a promise. When you've already got trust issues, it's not a good idea not to keep a promise.
> 
> My take is that there's a lot more wrong with their relationship that we haven't heard, and the W probably isn't going to come around. But the male need to masturbate isn't really the question.


I think the focus should stay on his wife's unreasonable expectations and violation of his privacy, as opposed to keeping an unreasonable promise that he was potentially manipulated into agreeing to. It's like asking him not to drink soda because he had an affair. He shouldn't be expected not not be horny just because he had an affair, that's possibly why he cheated on his wife to begin with, because she may have control issues if she's going to dictate to him when he should or shouldn't jerk off. 

She should blush for catching him and ask if she can help, not demand an explanation.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SexxxMarriage said:


> I think the focus should stay on his wife's unreasonable expectations and violation of his privacy, as opposed to keeping an unreasonable promise that he was potentially manipulated into agreeing to. It's like asking him not to drink soda because he had an affair. He shouldn't be expected not not be horny just because he had an affair,* that's possibly why he cheated on his wife to begin with, because she may have control issues* if she's going to dictate to him when he should or shouldn't jerk off.
> 
> She should blush for catching him and ask if she can help, not demand an explanation.


Do not even TRY to excuse ANY "reason" for an affair. No, the focus should not be on her unreasonable expectations but on his inability to refrain from something HE MADE A PROMISE TO STOP DOING! No, seriously, I agree he shouldn't have made THAT promise. But he AGREED to it and did it anyway, when he believed she wasn't going to be home. Comparing soda to an affair? Really? No, he isn't expected not to get horny because he had an affair. But he IS expected to keep his promises. AND, if he CAN'T keep a promise HE MADE, then he needs to sit down and talk to his wife about it and tell her WHY. THAT is the focus, not his wife needing to "mind her own business". He made a choice. HE made it. He had no problem making that promise. He said so himself. He thought it would help them.

Now, OP... How long ago was your affair? How long were you separated after it was discovered? And, how long have you been reconciling? From one of your earlier posts, you said you think she still has resentment from the affair and how you treated her during it. I think you may be right, tbh. I think there IS still resentment. And I think you need to see a MC for that for sure. She is right, it will take time to get to where she fully trusts you and really feels loving. There is no getting around that. It takes time. And making promises which you have no intention of keeping only sets you up for failure, and set backs. Get into MC. There is a whole lot more going on than "just masturbation"...and it sure as hell isn't her trying to control you. And stop making such foolish promises.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

We tried to discuss it today. She is like heartless mad about this! She says the reason she is mad is because when the affair was happening I was masturbating a lot and looking at porn. So now she automatically jumps to the conclusion of once again something is going on or Im chatting with someone new. I really wanted to jump at her like how can you be mad about this? Focus on the present. If you forgave me about it then do that. I never asked her to forget about what happened. I told her if she had that much resentment still then why even work things out? Like we are both wasting time. I just wanted to blurt out that if there wasn't a lack of frequency then it would be something easier to cope with but as a healthy young man, I get horny, and I get tired of getting shutdown by the woman I married. I try to stress to her that I didn't get married or reconcile with her to stop having sex. It boggles me that even when everything happened in the past this is the only reoccurring issue and I told her that today. I kept asking how can we fix this, how can we get to the bottom of it. Right now the only option left is MC but she's not looking to do that immediately. Im like wtf are we waiting for, the sooner the better! ^ It lasted for about 8 months? It was on going and it didn't help that she was local. What people don't understand about affairs or why they happen, is that happens for a reason. Of course it is by choice, its not by a moment of weakness. Its an adult making a choice that their "rationalization hamster" tells them somehow its okay. Somehow staying in an unhappy, sexless marriage can work if there is a 3rd individual involved that can fill the gaps. For me it was that physical need of having someone that never denied me, someone that I shared that intimacy with daily and consistently, someone that filled the gap that my W just couldn't come to grips with, understand, or just get it. It wasn't emotional at all, strictly physical. She knew what her position was and I knew it was wrong, I just kept diving in because I was getting everything I wanted from everybody. It felt like once again, everything in my life was where it needed to be on all level. And thats why I get mad at my W sometimes because yes I gave up and gave in to temptation. It's a cry for help, it's like I want you to be this person. Ive stressed to you what I want, Ive tried to honor the things you want from me but you still don't get it? I don't condone that ever for any to cheat, Im just saying why it happened on my end.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Ha then she mentioned how would I feel if she was doing that? Id be pissed but not for that reason. I'd be anger because Im like here for you, I have an able body and I am here to take of your needs. I just feel like she is just looking at the big picture and not the pixels.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I see masterbation as an acceptable option when and only when your partner has been given the choice to have sex with you but has refused.

It's like eating together. If the other person isn't hungry they should expect you not to eat.

It sounds like your wife is using sex as a punishment for your affair. The teo of you were separated and she had multiple partners and was interested in it daily, but now that she's reconciled with you, it's not at all a priority to her.

Look cheating is never ok, but neither is deliberately punishing someone. Yeah the cheating deeply hurt her, but if she's back and trying to R, that's got to include sex too.

Reconciliation that works is two people working hard to reconnect, to be open and loyal, and building the marriage.

If the R consists on punishment, retribution, etc. then thats not going to workout. Those things don't heal the marriage, on either side. They just swap the role of abuser and victim.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It's a trigger. That's hard to deal with.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I think you wife knows exactly what she is doing. She is getting her revenge for the EA. She made you promise to not masturbate because she knew you couldn't keep up your end of the bargain. It's like saying, I'll forgive you if you if you prove your love to me by climbing Mt. Everest. But when you can't do it, she can say "See, I told you that you didn't love me". Everyone agrees the promise was stupid on his part, but his wife isn't stupid, she knew the promise was almost impossible for him to keep. She said "hahahaha" in her text because she wanted to torture and tempt him. Maybe that's why she caught him, because she came home early to catch him.
She's more interested in revenge and passive aggressiveness than she is reconciling.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Jeapordy said:


> I think you wife knows exactly what she is doing. She is getting her revenge for the EA.


EA? Where did that come from? It was a full-blown affair by my reading.

To the OP: you say your marriage was sexless and that's why you had an affair. How frequent was sex before you had an affair?


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Can't put a strong estimate. Maybe oncde every two weeks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
While I think I understand your position,
A promise is a promise!
You agreed to certain things wit your wife, that maybe you should have examined before accepting.

Both of you need to have a compromise.
Both of you need to rebuild trust.
Apologize and work on it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> We tried to discuss it today. She is like heartless mad about this! She says the reason she is mad is because when the affair was happening I was masturbating a lot and looking at porn. So now she automatically jumps to the conclusion of once again something is going on or Im chatting with someone new. I really wanted to jump at her like how can you be mad about this? Focus on the present. If you forgave me about it then do that. I never asked her to forget about what happened. I told her if she had that much resentment still then why even work things out? Like we are both wasting time. I just wanted to blurt out that if there wasn't a lack of frequency then it would be something easier to cope with but as a healthy young man, I get horny, and I get tired of getting shutdown by the woman I married. I try to stress to her that I didn't get married or reconcile with her to stop having sex. It boggles me that even when everything happened in the past this is the only reoccurring issue and I told her that today. I kept asking how can we fix this, how can we get to the bottom of it. Right now the only option left is MC but she's not looking to do that immediately. Im like wtf are we waiting for, the sooner the better! ^* It lasted for about 8 months? * It was on going and it didn't help that she was local. *What people don't understand about affairs or why they happen, is that happens for a reason.* Of course it is by choice, its not by a moment of weakness. Its an adult making a choice that their "rationalization hamster" tells them somehow its okay. Somehow staying in an unhappy, sexless marriage can work if there is a 3rd individual involved that can fill the gaps. For me it was that physical need of having someone that never denied me, someone that I shared that intimacy with daily and consistently, someone that filled the gap that my W just couldn't come to grips with, understand, or just get it. It wasn't emotional at all, strictly physical. She knew what her position was and I knew it was wrong, I just kept diving in because I was getting everything I wanted from everybody. It felt like once again, everything in my life was where it needed to be on all level. And thats why I get mad at my W sometimes because yes I gave up and gave in to temptation. It's a cry for help, it's like I want you to be this person. Ive stressed to you what I want, Ive tried to honor the things you want from me but you still don't get it? I don't condone that ever for any to cheat, Im just saying why it happened on my end.


1. Ok, you said it lasted 8 months. But how long ago did it occur/end? Were you still seeing her when you were separated? And, how long have you been in reconciliation.

2. Funny you should mention about the "reasons" for affairs. I know firsthand about them, because I did it too. And, those "reasons" are excuses. You have a choice to fix your marriage or divorce. Or, you agree to open the marriage. Cheating is NEVER excusable.

3. Your wife gave you her reason for getting mad. You don't understand it. She triggers from it. You were doing this when you were having your affair. It made her flash back to that time. Yes, she has likely forgiven you, but it doesn't mean she won't have triggers. She could still trigger 30 years down the line...still, it doesn't mean you weren't forgiven. My husband still triggers sometimes when I get a text and my phone goes off. Same thing happens to me when his phone goes off. 

Now, sit down and have an open and honest discussion with her about this...about the triggers and how you are feeling about the lack of sex. And, tell her that you think that you could benefit from MC. If you choose to go that route, find one who is very knowledgeable in infidelity. Perhaps he/she will be able to help you understand your wife's reaction better, and explain what I have just said a bit better.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jeapordy said:


> I think you wife knows exactly what she is doing. She is getting her revenge for the EA. She made you promise to not masturbate because she knew you couldn't keep up your end of the bargain. It's like saying, I'll forgive you if you if you prove your love to me by climbing Mt. Everest. But when you can't do it, she can say "See, I told you that you didn't love me". Everyone agrees the promise was stupid on his part, but his wife isn't stupid, she knew the promise was almost impossible for him to keep. She said "hahahaha" in her text because she wanted to torture and tempt him. Maybe that's why she caught him, because she came home early to catch him.
> She's more interested in revenge and passive aggressiveness than she is reconciling.


It wasn't an EA it was PA. Maybe she is trying to get revenge. We don't know. You don't know that her reason for writing that text was to catch him. You really don't know that she is being passive aggressive about the reconciliation. But a MC would be able to get to the bottom of this and help them to see whether it would be better to keep trying or divorce.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> However, in this case, he made the promise, ridiculous as it was, to his wife that he would not masturbate. He did it anyway. It isn't about the act, it's about trust...and the fact that he can't keep a promise.


Yup.

When a man makes a promise like this he is being an idiot for not knowing himself. When a women accepts such a promise she is being an idiot for knowing nothing about male sexuality. So as far as I'm concerned the two of you are even. Now go kiss and make up.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

she's just mad because she's not the one getting off lol


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Simple, you broke your promise! Thus, you were not serious about reconciling her. Moreover, you should be spending time with her, not with porno girl. You lost her trust and, perhaps, your marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What kind of a woman would take a man seriously who promised to never masturbate again?

The moment he attempted to even make that stupid promise she should have stopped him and said she doesn't expect him to adhere to that. 

She set herself up, he set himself up, and now they both look busted. He was foolish to make the promise, and she was foolish to accept it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

OP, in your explanation I don't think you never said what you did was wrong. I can bet that you probably never admitted that to your wife. You've come up with reasons/excuses but no apologies. And it's only been a short time and triggers like porn and masturbation won't make it easier for her.

My suggestion is talking to her. Explain you understand why she's mad. Tell her that you nderstand that, in the short term, she's reluctant to have sex with you. However, until she's comfortable having an intimate, fulfilling seual relationship with you, you WILL be masturbating and using porn to help with that.

Tell her you understand that these may be a trigger for her but it's up to her to be able to figure out whether being a sexual partner with you or being triggered by porn/masturbating is the worse option.

If she is unwilling to make this short-term adjustment for long-term gains in the marriage, you may as well fold your tent now.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You cheated on your wife, you're an obsessive masturbator, you promised your wife you wouldn't jerk off, and yet you did it anyway.

Do you have no self control?

You can't blame this on your wife. 

Get a grip.

Pun intended


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> You cheated on your wife, you're an obsessive masturbator, you promised your wife you wouldn't jerk off, and yet you did it anyway.
> 
> Do you have no self control?
> 
> ...


Never bark on a guy for masturbating....lol. If she aint giving it up and she's barking when he's helping himself (aside from cheating....lesser of the two evile) can you blame the guy? LOL:lol:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You cheated on your wife, you're an obsessive masturbator, you promised your wife you wouldn't jerk off, and yet you did it anyway.
> 
> Do you have no self control?
> 
> ...



It should never be any woman's business, nor her concern, with what a man does with his own penis alone.

That's what he should have told her. He was a fool for ever agreeing to such an unrealistic request.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That's what he should have told her. He was a fool for ever agreeing to such an unrealistic request.


No doubt.

Nonetheless he DID agree to it and he was unable to help himself from..um.. helping himself.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> No doubt.
> 
> Nonetheless he DID agree to it and he was unable to help himself from..um.. helping himself.


You're right and its not a freaking addiction. If I had an addiction now or the same frequency I had when we were having problems before we reconciled then yes you could probably label it as an addiction.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The problem with my wife is that whenever I find something that gets her mad, she gets over it, learns how to cope with it, so the next time I try to lightly poke her about it and get a reaction, she doesn't give me one -.-

Personally I would be rather excited if my wife forbids masturbation. I would let her catch me time and time again lol
Especially with such an UNREASONABLE demand! Sheez =/


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

needguidance said:


> You're right and its not a freaking addiction. If I had an addiction now or the same frequency I had when we were having problems before we reconciled then yes you could probably label it as an addiction.


I beg to differ. You made a promise to your wife and you couldn't keep it. You make excuses for it, you call it a "small error", and you try to justify it. 


You used to do it CONSTANTLY:



needguidance said:


> Well I use to do it constantly, the two, when we first got married up until we split


It was a strong craving that you couldn't resist:



needguidance said:


> that urge I had been craving all day hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell for it.


As another poster very nicely summarized it:



jaharthur said:


> Let's see. You masturbated constantly, had an affair. You admit that probably caused resentment and might explain her not being attracted to you. You did other unspecified "dumb stuff." The two of you split. Then, to reconcile, you made a promise of no porn and no masturbation. The first chance you get you break your promise.


Here's the rationalization and justification for breaking your promise:



needguidance said:


> As I said, the only reason I made the promise was because I figured it would enhance things. Not to mention we had an agreement for us both not to do it, left that part out. I figured if niether of us did it then it would definitely create the desire for us both to want each other. Ive never had a problem performing after it, still get the same kicks off.
> 
> Yesterday was a small error on my part, I get that. Can you really be bent out of shape about it though? A broken promise is a broken promise.


Dude you have no self control, you gave in to the strong uncontrollable urges the first chance you get, you broke an important promise that you made to your wife, and given the history of you having an affair you owe her at least that much, and truth is, she probably isn't having sex with you BECAUSE you jerk off so freaking much despite the fact that you promised not to do so!

If she was writing this thread she'd probably say something like "I'm really trying to stay attracted to my husband and have sex with him but he's a compulsive masturbator who has cheated me on the past, and cannot stop masturbating despite promising me he wouldn't do it anymore!".

I'm taking her side on this and she isn't even here to tell her story.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

needguidance said:


> You're right and its not a freaking addiction. If I had an addiction now or the same frequency I had when we were having problems before we reconciled then yes you could probably label it as an addiction.


Why did you make such an unrealistic promise in the first place?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

jaquen said:


> What kind of a woman would take a man seriously who promised to never masturbate again?


That's not what the first post says. it says "through our period of reconciliation." The OP acknowledges he essentially had a masturbation addiction before. Did it interfere with his relationship? Sounds like it did. If so, was it unreasonable for his wife to say, if you want to reconcile, show me you're no longer a masturbation addict? I think not.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Should never have made this promise in the first place.

That said, have to remember and somehow communicate to her that sexual satisfaction requires teamwork and the only reasonable way you can keep that promise is if she makes a similar promise to take care of you as much as she can, that you work together as a team to keep the sex in the marriage. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum, I agree they are inexcusable but the betrayed spouse often leaves the door open through their lack of having sex.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> That's not what the first post says. it says "through our period of reconciliation." The OP acknowledges he essentially had a masturbation addiction before. Did it interfere with his relationship? Sounds like it did. If so, was it unreasonable for his wife to say, if you want to reconcile, show me you're no longer a masturbation addict? I think not.


Nothing in the OP suggests he has a masturbation addiction.

The reconciliation he's referring to is in the wake of an affair(s) he had.


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