# Just Let Them Go



## morituri

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

_*Just Let Them Go*

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


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## TextbookStuffHere

morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TextbookStuffHere

Sorry about the mispost. All I have to say is this is perfect. Whether you want them back or not. I am absolutely determined to make dday the best day of my life.


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## AppleDucklings

This is good. I'm printing it off and keeping a copy in my purse.


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## reindeer

Thanks Morituri. I woke up early today and went on line for something to help me have a better day than yesterday. This has ticked all the boxes!


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## ing

Does..
"Ditch your Bf or F*** off." count as lovingly detaching?

Ok. So this is 
an ideal situation that doesn't take in to account the incredible hurt you feel at the time.

Can this be done at a later date. I mean can you swear and curse THEN lovingly detach. I do not want to be her friend.


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## LonelyNLost

Haha, yeah I think this applies even after you have done all the "wrong" things. I've been on every end of the spectrum in this, especially since he's cheated before. Last time he did the right thing and ended it. This time, he gaslighted me and dragged me through broken glass telling me she was just a friend and I was paranoid and she lives 2500 miles away. Well...guess what? He is an hour away screwing her as we speak. She even brought her 11 year old son to town for the fun. Sickening. I can't be a part of that. 

It took me too long to embrace the essence of this message. I could have heard it in the beginning, but it's too hard to accept. It takes time to get to that place where all these ring true. I am there now. And I am done. I don't want him back, because chances are he'll just do it again. So I'll let him do it to her. That's justice. Or maybe she'll do it to him. That would be even better. He still won't admit the truth, so I'm letting go because he doesn't deserve me. I'm above this. My children deserve better and one day they'll know the truth. I don't care if she was his high school sweetheart, it is all a fantasy. And he chose that over me. So, have a nice life, @sshole. Don't come crying to me when you realize the mistake you've made!


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## notreadytoquit

this should be a sticky! Love it!


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## LonelyNLost

:iagree: Make it a sticky!


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## Lilyana

yeah make it a sticky... i love this post.. have read it about 200 times this morning


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## morituri

I agree that this should be a sticky.

This was part of a thread which you could read in its entirety *here*.

While the message is simple it is not easy to embrace. Why isn't it easy? our emotions. Our emotions will fight tooth and nail with our reason and will do anything and everything to sabotage its implementation. We become victims of our own self inflicted emotional terrorism, and as everybody knows, the worst thing you can do is to give in to the demands of a terrorist. Becoming self aware that our head must prevail over our heart, is the first part in the process of personal recovery and possibly marital recovery as well.


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## Wrench

That is great, I've been trying hard to do that for awhile.

It's hard for them to stay in the fog if you won't play along!


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## Wrench

morituri said:


> While the message is simple it is not easy to embrace. Why isn't it easy? our emotions. Our emotions will fight tooth and nail with our reason and will do anything and everything to sabotage its implementation. We become victims of our own self inflicted emotional terrorism, and as everybody knows, the worst thing you can do is to give in to the demands of a terrorist. Becoming self aware that our head must prevail over our heart, is the first part in the process of personal recovery and possibly marital recovery as well.


I thought I was wasting my time reading all the advice and articles on TAM until in the middle if a serious argument I started to identify my emotions (or "self inflicted emotial terrorism") and the game she was playing. 

Suddenly I was clearly seeing what was happening and in control of the conversation, memorizing these things WILL definetly help you keep a clear head.


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## Lilyana

that whole thread is actually really good


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## morituri

Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):

"_*Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing*. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

*Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse*. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

*1) Act Happy.* Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

*2) Get a life*. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

*3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT!* This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

*4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point.* Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

*6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.*Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

*7) Get sexy – in a healthy way*. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."_


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## Forsaken

Absolutely brilliant! Thanks for sharing morituri!


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## cb45

a separ/divorce is like a miscarriage.

u cant (usually) just drop it w/out the pain/process of grieving/watching a precious dream die out.

i dont know what the healthy time frame is, as it is diff for diff people; but i do know that many folk hold onto it for far too long as its like they are totally (or think they are) alone, isolated, and stubbornly grieving for that "miscarriage" of theirs.

saddest of all is when I/THEY/WE/YOU know this, that u r the one holding on, dragging it out but....."oh the pain, the pain of
it all....." ala Dr Smith of Lost in Space fame.


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## notreadytoquit

morituri said:


> Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):
> 
> "_*Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing*. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
> 
> You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.
> 
> *Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse*. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
> 
> *1) Act Happy.* Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)
> 
> *2) Get a life*. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).
> 
> *3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT!* This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
> 
> *4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point.* Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
> anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”
> 
> *6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.*Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
> opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
> 
> *7) Get sexy – in a healthy way*. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."_


This is basically what the 180 refers to right?


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## morituri

notreadytoquit said:


> This is basically what the 180 refers to right?


Indeed.


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> *Agree with them and their feelings,*_


_

Excellent post. And I think this applies to other situations to...well any situation really where your partner wants out of the relationship:

RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO.

NEVER EVER BEG SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU. 

If they truly love you and want to work it out, they WILL TRY.



_


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## ahhhmaaaan!

"NEVER EVER BEG SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU."

One of the first times a agree. You should have to MAKE someone fall in love with you. The y either love you, or they don't... PERIOD!


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## Jellybeans

^ What do you mean, one of the first times you agree? LOL.


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## sdesruiss

I have been going through all this pain and trying to bring the marriage back. We have been battling this for 8 months. Tonight, in MC, she decided to end it. We'll see how I'm doing over the next few days.


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## LonelyNLost

ing said:


> This is great advice. I find the "cheerful " hard to do but am mostly civil. She tries really hard to push my buttons and has started finding pretexts for coming over to my house.
> Honestly I am finding it easier and easier to let her go. The longer she decides that her A partner is the one she wants . The less I want her.
> 
> It is only around 6 weeks since D day and she has moved out. but already, by following these rules, my life is better than it was. I collapsed in a heap for about half an hour yesterday and this morning I am writing here,but really most of the time I am getting on with a new life. Have to kick myself up the a*s 20 times a day. But you know what. That is Okay.
> 
> I really have no idea what the future holds. I have made some friends of the opposite sex and am joining a gym. Scheduled a trip to the dentist.[I always put myself last on this sort of thing] .Considering a quick flight to see a friend. Getting through the list of things to do. Slowly.
> 
> *Let them Go. They don't deserve a loyal and loving partner.
> *
> 
> I don't say perfect. If she had just left me then we could talk, As it stands I have no interest in talking to her. It isn't between me and her. It is between me, her and her BF. I will not accept this.
> 
> How is that for a 180?


I could have written this verbatim! Sucks, doesn't it?! They choose not to be with us, they get none of us. Fantasy land can only last so long. While they were ahead of us on the detaching, we are ahead of them on the reality portion of things.


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## ing

LonelyNLost said:


> While they were ahead of us on the detaching, we are ahead of them on the reality portion of things.


Now THAT is a very interesting thought.


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## Wrench

ing said:


> Now THAT is a very interesting thought.


I think they get used to living in the detaching state of mind, everything is from their warped point of view. 

You should have seen her face last night when I laid out my new life plan. She has conviced herself I'm a certain way and it's just not true, but nothing cuts through the BS like a dose of *reality*


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## morituri

For those who have a problem with the 'dating members of the opposite sex' part, I thought I would share this interaction between opposing camps:



> it is intended to show the was how much their own sleazy behavior is hurting their spouse.
> 
> And it works.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> i still fail to see how a bs compromising their own integrity, values and morals is of any help to the bs. I know for myself, i could have never lowered my standards that way. I had way too much self-respect do this.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> if showing that your life has real value to yourself regardless if your spouse doesn't believe this and moving on with your life and letting go of a cheating spouse and no longer waiting for someone to stop cheating on you isn't demonstrating integrity on your part, well i don't know what will.
> 
> *What you don't realize (or possibly refuse to) is that waiting for your cheating spouse to return to you when they're actively involved in a extra marital affair with another person is in fact lowering your standards.
> 
> It communicates:
> - i will be taken advantage of
> - i am gullible
> - i believe my spouse will come back to me after they've had their fun with another person
> - it's ok for my spouse to cheat on me, i'll stand up for my marriage even if they've checked out
> - i want someone who doesn't want me
> - i will let my spouse choose when it's ok for them to come back to me
> - i will allow this behavior to occur again in the future
> - i don't respect myself enough to let go of people that don't value me or the relationship they have with me
> 
> in conclusion....
> - i have low standards*
Click to expand...


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## Lilyana

Wow, another good one... I couldn't agree more.


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## LonelyNLost

I guess it becomes more of a question of, "Am I doing what they are doing?" if you are in fact not divorced yet. Like as we speak, my husband is off on a weeklong vacation with OW and her son, lying to me. He moved out 7 weeks ago under the same old umbrella of wanting to reconcile but not committing that all WAS cling to. Now he used his gaslighting techniques to tell me he was done with me when I kept digging, and so now he's been talking to OW for 4 weeks, admitting that this makes him unfaithful but he doesn't care because our marriage is over. Okay, marriage over. Then file. Or tell your spouse you want out and THEN pursue someone else. It's all crap BS. So I'm catching him this week. But if I turn around and go on a date with someone this weekend, does that make me a hypocrite? I want to at least file for divorce first. And even then, I'd feel like I'm doing the same as him, though I haven't cheated on him since he left me. But I want to walk away on the day my divorce is final with a clear conscience and know I've been squeaky clean and upheld my marriage vows. KWIM?


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## Lilyana

Personally I would wait til the divorce to date again. But, I am not you, and I don't know where your head is in things right now. Maybe your farther ahead than I am. You probably are.

For me, I don't think I will be ready to date in the near future.. I just spent 15 years in a horrible marriage.. time for ME time. When I work on me, find out how wrong I handled things in this relationship, have more self confidence, I might start dating.. this will probably take me another 15 years, at which point i will be almost 50 .. so blah lol


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## Wrench

Lilyana said:


> Personally I would wait til the divorce to date again. But, I am not you, and I don't know where your head is in things right now. Maybe your farther ahead than I am. You probably are.
> 
> For me, I don't think I will be ready to date in the near future.. I just spent 15 years in a horrible marriage.. time for ME time. When I work on me, find out how wrong I handled things in this relationship, have more self confidence, I might start dating.. this will probably take me another 15 years, at which point i will be almost 50 .. so blah lol


Same here


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## morituri

LonelyNLost said:


> I guess it becomes more of a question of, "Am I doing what they are doing?" if you are in fact not divorced yet. Like as we speak, my husband is off on a weeklong vacation with OW and her son, lying to me. He moved out 7 weeks ago under the same old umbrella of wanting to reconcile but not committing that all WAS cling to. Now he used his gaslighting techniques to tell me he was done with me when I kept digging, and so now he's been talking to OW for 4 weeks, admitting that this makes him unfaithful but he doesn't care because our marriage is over. Okay, marriage over. Then file. Or tell your spouse you want out and THEN pursue someone else. It's all crap BS. So I'm catching him this week. But if I turn around and go on a date with someone this weekend, does that make me a hypocrite? I want to at least file for divorce first. And even then, I'd feel like I'm doing the same as him, though I haven't cheated on him since he left me. But I want to walk away on the day my divorce is final with a clear conscience and know I've been squeaky clean and upheld my marriage vows. KWIM?


The difference between you and your cheating hubby is that you are not a dumba**.

*You KNOW where the marital boundaries are, he doesn't - if he ever did. Your knowledge regarding male/female dynamics can help protect you from becoming that which you abhorr - unfaithful.* 

If you choose to 'date' other men before you get divorced, it should not be for romantic/sexual purposes but to LEARN how to separate the good guys from the bad ones - clones of your DH (dumba** husband).

Hopefully you won't think I'm being patronizing but I do respect your beliefs - the world would definitely be a better place if there were more of you - but please keep an open mind that it is possible to 'date' others without betraying your moral code.


----------



## LonelyNLost

morituri said:


> The difference between you and your cheating hubby is that you are not a dumba**.
> 
> *You KNOW where the marital boundaries are, he doesn't - if he ever did. Your knowledge regarding male/female dynamics can help protect you from becoming that which you abhorr - unfaithful.*
> 
> If you choose to 'date' other men before you get divorced, it should not be for romantic/sexual purposes but to LEARN how to separate the good guys from the bad ones - clones of your DH (dumba** husband).
> 
> Hopefully you won't think I'm being patronizing but I do respect your beliefs - the world would definitely be a better place if there were more of you - but please keep an open mind that it is possible to 'date' others without betraying your moral code.


For sure! I use the term "date" loosely. More like have drinks with someone of the opposite sex, not "jump in the sack and then introduce them to my kids teh next day". Or heck, take them on vacation with me and the man, LOL. I am so not whole yet. I can't possibly jump into something serious with the injury my heart has sustained.

I really thought I could tell the good guys from the bad ones. My husband was a good guy. He just lost his marbles and fell into a trap. He's a weak man. I was completely fooled, and I can say that he did truly love me and I think he was faithful for most of our 10 years. I do kind of regret keeping him around 4 years ago when he had an EA. But I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter if I'd left him then. What I will be looking for this time is someone who has God in their heart. And there's no harm in getting some male attention to boost the ego.


----------



## Lilyana

Last week I tried flirting with a bartender... I was out to eat with a friend of mine. And she said, "see if we can get a free drink"... So I looked at the at the bartender and went to lick my straw in my drink seductively... and the straw went up my nose.

Seems my flirting skills are a little rusty... but we did get a free drink for making him laugh! 

It's all good to get out and have fun I think.. which for the past few months I have been trying to do. I go out with my friends more, I have fun, and not thing about H and his sh*t. I think thats healthy. And as long as no sack jumping or serious talks happens.. its a good thing lol


----------



## paramore

I wish my husband would "sack jump" me on his own instead of me doing the initiating LOL!!! God I haven't flirted in so long, I don't think I could. To be perfectly honest, the letting go is gonna be interesting. I honestly don't think I'd ever want to be in another relationship again, because I love him, and I know I always will. I'll just sit here in my little house and get like 20 cats lol.


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## Lilyana

Another relationship I could go for.. somewhere wayyyyyyyyy wayyyyy wayyyyy farrrrrrrrrr down the line.... Marriage again? Nope I don't think I will ever do that again


----------



## Jellybeans

^ That is exactly how I feel Lily. Though I have to say, after finally getting out of Limbo and finalizing the divorce, that feeling lifted a little bit.

Still I don't think I'd do it again.


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## paramore

well come live with me and we can have 60 cats and be the crazy kitty ladies lol, we'll bring apples along too.


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## Lilyana

paramore said:


> well come live with me and we can have 60 cats and be the crazy kitty ladies lol, we'll bring apples along too.


We could start a, "dog teeth brushing" company


----------



## paramore

It's on....lol


----------



## Jellybeans

paramore said:


> well come live with me and we can have 60 cats and be the crazy kitty ladies lol, we'll bring apples along too.


LOL! I am allergic to cats but we could all live somewhere next to a beach and drink Sangrias all day.

Apple can be the President of the Dog Brushing company! And we can use a picture of her Dobie with the sparkling white teeth as our logo!


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## paramore

LOL!!! Well I have dogs, so it works for me. Here I am threadjacking with lily again, that girl is a bad influence hahaha.


----------



## The 13th_Floor

Jellybeans said:


> ^ That is exactly how I feel Lily. Though I have to say, after finally getting out of Limbo and finalizing the divorce, that feeling lifted a little bit.
> 
> Still I don't think I'd do it again.


You and Lily are both full of Chit. All it takes is that pair of eyes that make you latch on and bam, you can't get them out of your head....


----------



## Lilyana

Moi?


----------



## Jellybeans

The 13th_Floor said:


> You and Lily are both full of Chit. All it takes is that pair of eyes that make you latch on and bam, you can't get them out of your head....


Sorry to say, that is not all it takes. After going through a divorce, I am still nowhere near to latching my eyeballs onto someone. In fact, I want to hide from people in a way. 

Eventually I will get there but it seems that won't happen for a long time. I fall in love every blue moon. And the moon ain't gonna be blue for awhile!


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## paramore

Yeah me neither, I am gonna be extremely gun shy if I EVER decide to go down that road again, I just don't know if I'd want to go through all of that again after all this crap.


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## Wrench

I couldn't even enjoy a sex fantasy about the hottie at the lumber yard today because for some reason I felt like I was "objectifying" her......thanks a lot, women of TAM


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## paramore

It's not objectifying her, it's purely fantasy, you control what's in your mind, I say have at it LOL!!!!


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## Wrench

paramore said:


> It's not objectifying her, it's purely fantasy, you control what's in your mind, I say have at it LOL!!!!


You know I'm going to run with that!:smthumbup:

Speaking of eyes, I've always been told I have Travolta eyes. Usually by women who love that guy, guess I should hang out at Grease musicals when I'm on the market again hey!:awink:


----------



## Jellybeans

Wrench said:


> I couldn't even enjoy a sex fantasy about the hottie at the lumber yard today because for some reason I felt like I was "objectifying" her......thanks a lot, women of TAM


 Is that somehow related to the "Do men really think this way" thread over in the Men's Club??? LOL


----------



## paramore

Haha, I am actually having fun on the forum today, seems like there are people on not feeling so down in the dumps today, and for once I am not down in the dumps.


----------



## Wrench

Jellybeans said:


> Is that somehow related to the "Do men really think this way" thread over in the Men's Club??? LOL


Yeah, I'm too scared to say anything in there now! 

I'm having fun too Paramore, must be friday! If I were in a city I'd be going out somewhere, somebody go party for me:smthumbup:


----------



## ing

Wrench said:


> Yeah, I'm too scared to say anything in there now!
> 
> I'm having fun too Paramore, must be friday! If I were in a city I'd be going out somewhere, somebody go party for me:smthumbup:


Ok!
I am off on a picnic with a woman I met online. She says "oh gawd, no way we are dating . You are so raw. Lets eat bagels.'
So I better go buy them.

I don't think it is hard to fall in love. In fact people do it all the time. Fall in. Fall out. It is the staying in love that is hard.

On the other side. I am in Mr Angry stage again. [recognize and validate feeling..lol] But to day you know what.
WE WILL MAKE IT.
I have a psychotic cat if anyone is interested?


----------



## Jellybeans

You gotta love how the men are scared in their own frickin clubhouse! HAHAHAHA


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## paramore

ing....what did you do LOL


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## LonelyNLost

Holy thread jack! Guys, go get a room, I mean thread, of your own.  Lol. 

I'm down for the sangria and I live near the beach. I have 2 cats to contribute to the bunch too. 

And I'd totally get married again, just won't ever trust the same that marriage is forever. Or that he can keep his you know what in his pants.


----------



## paramore

I know I have been terrible for that today...blame it on an actual good mood and felt like livening up the place with some fun and positive stuff, so my apologies, I really mean that. LOL, but to get this back on track, I am letting him go, not stopping my love for him just letting him go.


----------



## ing

paramore said:


> ing....what did you do LOL



What i am doing is.. Letting Go.

I just can't continue to be in pain. I move fast on everything. She knows this. I warned her about four times.. Once I let you go. Your gone. 

A dating site.. "Friends only" as my seeking criteria. Working for me. 

What is the point of hanging on? Still hurts[heaps] but I will invent a new reality without her. This is Her CHOICE. Not mine.


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## AppleDucklings

I'm not letting mine go. I'm kicking his miserable sorry pathetic ass right out the mother f*cking door!


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## paramore

Wheeeee!!!!!!!


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## Lilyana

*snort* that was awesome.. i almost peed.. ty apple!

And no... If I fell for every dude that looked at me sideways I wouldn't have been married for 15 years!


----------



## AppleDucklings

ing said:


> What i am doing is.. Letting Go.
> 
> I just can't continue to be in pain. I move fast on everything. She knows this. I warned her about four times.. Once I let you go. Your gone.
> 
> A dating site.. "Friends only" as my seeking criteria. Working for me.
> 
> What is the point of hanging on? Still hurts[heaps] but I will invent a new reality without her. This is Her CHOICE. Not mine.


Ive seriously considered this myself, ing. Joining an online dating site and making friends. I'm not interested in a relationship but it would be nice to have the attention. I'm having a hard time with the pain too. Why cant I be happy just like he is?


----------



## paramore

because you have a heart, he at this point, does not.


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## ing

AppleDucklings said:


> Why cant I be happy just like he is?


Exactly. Why not indeed. He isn't suffering. Seeing her yesterday in the car [she didn't see me] laughing and smiling just made me more determined to move on. 
Just do it.


----------



## Lilyana

Sorry for the thread jack... 

btw.. i let him go.. and hes out tonight with OW and his sister. Doors will be locked when/if he tries to come home. 

I feel like i need to open a bottle of wine


----------



## paramore

do it I am sipping some cap'n morgan right now, just sipping, I forgot to get something to mix it with lol.


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## Lilyana

I don't drink ever... someone bought me a bottle of wine as a gift for my birthday in september... i wonder if its even good anymore lol


----------



## paramore

wine gets better with age...have just one glass, you'll get all giggly, and then whoa, I am afraid of the fun you'll have on here LOL.


----------



## AppleDucklings

I dont drink either but the thought of getting totally hammered has crossed my mind.


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## paramore

darn it, we should stop threadjacking, you are a terrible influence hehe.


----------



## AppleDucklings

paramore said:


> darn it, we should stop threadjacking, you are a terrible influence hehe.


Moi? (looking innocent)


----------



## ing

This has turned into the "We are going to be Okay" thread Not so bad really.
Be careful with the drink it may make you crash into a heap. Did me.

We can be miserable some other time.


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## Lilyana

yes, apple.. you  lol


----------



## AppleDucklings

paramore said:


> wine gets better with age...have just one glass, you'll get all giggly, and then whoa, I am afraid of the fun you'll have on here LOL.


I remember talking to you one night on the phone and you weredrunk and for the life of you, you could not properly pronounce "Iowa" it was the darn funniest thing.


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## Lilyana

Ioway lol


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## paramore

understood ing, did you have fun on your bagel date?


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## paramore

yeah, I was pretty hammered LOL, mine isn't home yet, I know he is at work, had to run night ramp, the hard 180 is gonna be the hardest thing I have ever had to do....


----------



## AppleDucklings

Lilyana said:


> Ioway lol


you should have heard her. It was the funniest thing. I-vay? I-way? I-what the heck is it again? LMAO


----------



## ing

paramore said:


> understood ing, did you have fun on your bagel date?


going soon. I am in Australia . It is Saturday morning


----------



## AppleDucklings

ing said:


> going soon. I am in Australia . It is Saturday morning


Friday night here in the states. Have a great day ing!


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## paramore

sweet, I hope you have fun...and shaddup Apple LOL!!!!!


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## AppleDucklings

paramore said:


> sweet, I hope you have fun...and shaddup Apple LOL!!!!!


:rofl: HA! I gotta run to the store then I have a date with Lily tonight.


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## Lilyana

WOOOHOOOOO  Should I get dressed for this date or is it pants optional? lol


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## paramore

I was talking to ing LOL


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## AppleDucklings

Lilyana said:


> WOOOHOOOOO  Should I get dressed for this date or is it pants optional? lol


pants optional baby!:smthumbup:


----------



## Wrench

Thread-jackers, hilarious:rofl:

We're all letting go, look the hell out!

I just had a few beers and plowed through some very old issues with W, clarity is a dangerous thing! 

:toast:


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## paramore

ok back to the other thread LOL


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## Lilyana

Wrench.. come to the other thread with us (its like the dark side but we have better cookies  )


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## morituri

Wow, everybody was having a party and I was at work dealing with rodents sabotaging the server farm. Life is definitely not fair.


----------



## morituri

Above everything else my friends, *WE WILL FOREVER REFUSE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE'S SECOND CHOICE*.


----------



## ing

This cracked me up from the same thread.

Reminds me of that Woody Allen joke: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member."


----------



## morituri

ing said:


> This cracked me up from the same thread.
> 
> Reminds me of that Woody Allen joke: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member."


I thought it was Groucho Marx who said that:scratchhead:


----------



## ing

morituri said:


> I thought it was Groucho Marx who said that:scratchhead:


Your right. I just lifted that whole thing as a quote. Slacker..

That entire thread is fascinating.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan!

About this letting go thing... As someone who totally let go "after the fact," by this I mean disclosure, I felt numb about our relationship, whereas now a feel indifference. Is it wrong for me to feel the love ... just slip out of me after she told me? You see... for me, our love died that instant of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over. It was like it(love) just went down a drain somewhere. Many have told me its because this- the "affair" was just a deal-breaker for my type of personality. I do agree with that, but at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.


----------



## Wrench

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did?.


I know EXACTLY what you mean, same here. I don't even trust my own heart anymore, I've always liked to be "in love". It's caused me nothing but problems, I think if I become more comfortable with me I won't be doing that. (that's the theory anyways)


----------



## troy

I have been reading 2 books on letting go over the past couple of weeks, to help me get my mind, and mainly heart, right to let go. Exploring this issue has helped a lot in getting some clarity.

The problem with letting go is this little problem of the "feeling" of love. When you have that certain feeling in your heart, all the clarity and rationalization in the world get over shadowed by the feeling.

Once the feeling is gone it is soooo much easier to let go, well it is for me at least. 

Although we live in the same house we communicate via email, since she has chosen to not speak to me anymore... pisses me off, but that is what I have to deal with for now.

Anyway, I put together an email letting her know that I am letting her go. Basically, I will tell her I love her, but I need to let her go to ease the pain. 

Its very painfull for me to tell her this, but I know this is the best thing I can do right now. I am trying to let her go in my heart and mind. Although I am thinking maybe when she sees I am letting her go she may have doubts about leaving. I wont get hopeful about this though, but it would be nice if it happens.

The reality is everything she says and does indicates she has her mind set on leaving me, so no more damage can be done by telling her I am letting her go. A bit of the 180 I guess.

Letting go is key to moving on. In fact, I dont believe you can really move on until you let go of your stbx in your heart. Easier said than done, thats for sure.


----------



## Wrench

Good stuff Troy, what are the books? 

I can feel it slowly happening with me, I think I was in more of a groove than "in love". It's more like the love I have for my relatives, it feels like she died and I'm in mourning.


----------



## paramore

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> About this letting go thing... As someone who totally let go "after the fact," by this I mean disclosure, I felt numb about our relationship, whereas now a feel indifference. Is it wrong for me to feel the love ... just slip out of me after she told me? You see... for me, our love died that instant of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over. It was like it(love) just went down a drain somewhere. Many have told me its because this- the "affair" was just a deal-breaker for my type of personality. I do agree with that, but at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.



I am sure you loved her the way you thought you did. The advice I am going to give to you is don't be too hasty, you may have a heart change. Now I am not saying that you are wrong in your stance by any means. A month from now, 6 months from now you may think differently, you may not, you will know within your heart when it is right to move on or work on it.

My situation is that I know I love my silly dork, he is fundamentally a wonderful man, and I still see it within him, he's just askew right now, I choose to give it time, a month from now I may say I am done, I have done that many days, but then I waver.....because I adore that man, despite what happened. I just know in my heart I am not ready to be done, I almost took the kids and moved to my sisters the other day, but that would have been a decision made out of emotion. Just give it some time ahh, I don't know what your outcome will be, I wish I did, cuz if I could predict the future, damn I would be rich lol, but I do respect your position.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan!

Wrench you hit it- I DON'T trust my love anymore, nor will I ever now. I'm going to be sooooo guarded from now on, more so than I used to be. I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex whatsoever; It's the letting go and being vulnerable part that I'm going to have trouble with because you have to let your guard down in order to to fully "love" someone and let them in... 'know what I mean. We're ALL jaded a bit after a traumatic experience like this.


----------



## paramore

amen ahhhh


----------



## morituri

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> *...at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling*.


As I said before, when it comes to dealing with the unfaithfulness of a spouse, love is simply not enough.

An analogy would be the tsunami that hit Japan last month. Thousands of people died, some were injured to varying degrees and others were unharmed. Granted that the victims of the tsunami did not choose to die or become injured, but the point is that each one of them experienced the ordeal differently. Infidelity is a tsunami which has claimed lives - some have even committed suicide and/or murder - , destroyed marriages and families. There are as well, heroic survivors who endure the greatest of pain and not only manage to reconcile with their unfaithful spouses but become better people than they were before the ordeal.

My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is.


----------



## paramore

My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is. 

I agree Mort...different strokes for different folks.


----------



## morituri

paramore said:


> My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is.
> 
> I agree Mort...different strokes for different folks.


Paramore, you belong in the heroic group. I wish you much success.


----------



## paramore

thank you Mort....I pray it turns out the way I want it to. I am not perfect but I am doing what I can, thank you for the kind words. While I advocate that people try as hard as they can, I cannot and will not push my stance on people, because I have had thoughts of just being done, I used to think that "if infidelity ever happened I would be done, hands down." The fact that me and my spouse are both guilty, despite he more than I, we both did the bad. It doesn't matter if one, the other, or both did it, it all depends on a persons capacity for what they can handle, and if my husband decides he chooses not to forgive me and can't handle a R, I guess then I am a single mom, and he chooses to relinquish a totally salvagable R, whatever, if he chooses to commit, then I know we will be ok, he will be the one who has to face his kids, the kids know that I tried to do what is right and fought, and did what was right despite my wrongdoings. 

I do respect that you chose to end your R, I really do Mort, I would have if I hadn't chose to be unfaithful in our situation. If I would have realized the level of my husbands first EA had gotten to, I would have been done, instead I chose to start my own EA/PA, while he had a EA/PA at same time, like a weak idiot....but tomorrow the sun will rise.


----------



## morituri

Paramore,

When I was still married, my then wife and I knew a couple whose husband had a full blown affair and had been on the verge of walking away from his wife to be with the OW. The wife filed for divorce and her unfaithful husband suddenly got religion, dumped the OW and pleaded with his wife for a second chance. She did but never forgave him and years later she was still throwing the affair in his face even in the presence of others. The husband always seemed to have a look of doom and gloom. On a couple of occasions I commented to my ex-wife that I couldn't understand how remaining married under those conditions could be good for any of the spouses.

I would be lying to you that the thought of reconciliation had not occurred to me for a brief time after discovering my ex-wife's infidelity, but I knew that forgiving her would be the toughest thing for me to achieve. I would become the betrayed male version of the couple I spoke about and that definitely I did not want to become. I'd rather not reconcile but forgive her - which I've done - than reconcile and never forgive her.

If the mutual decision is to reconcile, then forgiveness is a must for both.


----------



## LonelyNLost

I forgave the first time he had an EA with a coworker. That was 4 years ago. This time, I think the internal struggle was so great because he was fighting it big time, but the OW was an ex gf from high school, so there was that connection to his youth and he was torn. I think that he knew that if he made this mistake, and I found out, there was no coming back. Well, the OW won because I wouldn't stop snooping since I knew in my heart he was being unfaithful. WEll, not they are together only 7 weeks after him moving out. He admitted they've been "talking" for four weeks. But it's been more like 5 MONTHS. He just won't admit it still, even though we both agreed our marriage was over. Not sure who he's trying to protect. Himself? I definitely could not forgive and he knows it.


----------



## ing

I could forgive. If she just stopped the affair.
Right now. 
I am moving on. 
Packing up the last of her stuff and you know what. I warned her already i would not wait. I told her that I will move on. 

Full self protection mode, for me, and my children.

I think I could forgive her. one stuff up in 25 years. However every day this goes on I move further from that position.
180 working I suppose.

Damn my heart is toughening up!


----------



## l4u2011

I L-O-V-E this thread in particular.

I am going on about 7wks of discovering the 2nd affair and needless to say we are getting a divorce.


In the beginning we are in so much shock but when I started to get out of the fog I realized I cannot allow myself to want to be with someone who would disrespect me our just throw our family away like that when they were given a 2nd chance.

I have to love myself enough to know I deserve better and I am a good wife, wonderful woman etc..

Knowing I deserve more than someone's sloppy seconds when I should have always had the 1st and only dibbs.

Why should the hurt spouse feel like we have to wait for them to decide or have this "ah ha" moment they F**d up their life when they decided to take a hall pass doing whatever they want.

I took my vows very seriously and did I ever want this to happen, no. Am I crushed yes, but moving on with it knowing that I get custody of myself back.

I am worth it to be loved unconditionally .. The lyrics of this song "No looking back" ...as I close this chapter I say free at last..I made up my mind there is no turning back..I am looking forward not behind me..there is no looking back.

Yes, I WILL MAKE IT!! One day at a time, what step at a time.

The one post in the original comment indicating be happy around your spouse even if you have to fake it...heck yes I am going to win a freakin Oscar by the time all this is over. Although we are hurt, we cannot give them that power of our happiness or knowing that we are emotionally all jacked up inside temporarily (behind closed doors is another thing  ..hehehe

They have moved on and did not look back when they made the decision they did so we have to "man-up or woman up" handle our business and keep it moving. Our strength will come we have to take our power back and renew and rebuild our life.

Thank you all for opening up sharing etc....as we go through this phase in our life.


----------



## AppleDucklings

I'm moving on too. I4U2011, your post was very inspiring. This aint my Hubs first affair either. I HAVE to move on but yes, I am so hurt. I am so, so, so hurt. Somne days I dont want to go on anymore but I keep trudging forward. I know I will get there eventually and someday meet someone who will actually give 2 sh*ts about me. My hubs is the type of man who will always cheat, no matter who he is with. To quote Carrie Underwood in her song, Before he cheats, "The next time that he cheats, it won't be on me". He can be someone else's problem. If that ow wants him, she can have him. She would deserve the pain he's only going to bring to her anyways.


----------



## Wrench

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Wrench you hit it- I DON'T trust my love anymore, nor will I ever now. I'm going to be sooooo guarded from now on, more so than I used to be. I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex whatsoever; It's the letting go and being vulnerable part that I'm going to have trouble with because you have to let your guard down in order to to fully "love" someone and let them in... 'know what I mean. We're ALL jaded a bit after a traumatic experience like this.


I know man, I have a couple old divorced and jaded uncles. I'm here reading stuff everyday so I don't end up like that.:toast:


----------



## ing

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> t of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over.


I did the same. She said.. "Yes"


----------



## morituri

Ok time to get this thread back on track.

Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:



> _*Strong Medicine for Broken Marriages -- Date Other People*
> 
> Here’s another true case study:
> 
> Liz R. of Seattle was separated from her husband, Raymond.
> She desperately wanted to get back together with him and try to
> work things out. The problem was, her husband refused to see her,
> or even speak with her on the telephone. For months, Liz called
> Raymond, left messages on his answering machine, wrote him let-
> ters, but he ignored all of it.
> 
> Liz’s therapist suggested she file for divorce because the situ-
> ation had grown hopeless. This left Liz despondent. She felt that
> her therapist was right, and only being realistic, but she still didn’t
> want to accept it.
> 
> Then one day, a man who worked in Liz’s office asked her out
> for a date. Liz wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, but she
> accepted only because she thought it would be nice to have some-
> one to talk to, and to just go out and have a nice dinner with a man
> once again.
> 
> So Liz and her date went to a popular restaurant, and as they
> were eating and having a nice time, Liz’s husband Raymond hap-
> pened to walk in and see his wife laughing and talking with another
> man. Raymond turned right around and went back out. Liz had
> seen him, and felt terrible. On the other hand, his behavior was the
> same -- as soon as he saw her, he got away from her as fast as he
> could.
> 
> But as soon as Liz returned home, her phone was ringing. It
> was Raymond. He was furious that she had been out with another
> man. Of course, Liz said to him: “Raymond, you finally decided to
> talk to me. I’ve been calling you for six months and I haven’t heard
> a peep out of you. What did you expect me to do? Wait for you for-
> ever?”
> 
> The next day, Raymond agreed to meet with Liz and their therapist.
> They later reconciled.
> 
> At first, the dating others strategy seems like a simple ploy to
> make the other spouse jealous, and in a way, that’s part of the rea-
> son it works. But the psychology behind the idea goes much deep-
> er.
> 
> Let’s look at the example of Liz. For six months, she humbled
> herself, pleaded, begged, acted desperate, and what did it get her?
> Nothing. Also, by acting in this way, she was sending a message to
> her estranged husband. She was telling him: “I’m a loser. Nobody
> else wants me. I need you to make me complete. I’m nothing by
> myself.”
> 
> Now, ask yourself: How many men want to date a desperate
> loser that nobody else wants? Not very many. But when Liz demonstrated
> she indeed had value -- enough value to attract other men -
> - she started sending the opposite message to her husband. She
> was saying: “Look at me! I’m in demand! Other men value me! You
> better get off your duff and claim me back while you still can!”
> 
> The dating other strategy has some pitfalls to be aware of, how-
> ever. For one thing, the other person you decide to date is a real
> human being with real feelings. To simply use another person as a
> ploy to lure your spouse back is not a good thing to do. Also, it’s very
> easy for human beings to start doing a lot more than dating -- that
> means having sex, getting involved, and developing feelings for
> these other people. The picture can get quite complicated very fast.
> *Some marriage repair experts recommend you merely “enjoy the
> company of other people.” That means not going to far because
> your ultimate goal is to get back with your spouse, eventually. The
> bottom line is, if you use this strategy, keep a level head and your
> eye on the ultimate goal. You don’t want to hurt anyone else along
> the way.* But if you have run out of all other options, dating others
> may be your only alternative. Just remember you’re playing with
> powerful medicine, and you need to handle the situation with care._


You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.


----------



## reindeer

Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today  You are all so good at detatching!


----------



## morituri

reindeer said:


> Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today  You are all so good at detatching!


The death of something you hold so dear - your marriage - is painful. But remember *pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not*. Choose to refuse being miserable by following the following rules:



> "_*WARNING: Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing*. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
> 
> *You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.*
> 
> *Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse*. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
> 
> *1) Act Happy.* Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)
> 
> *2) Get a life*. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).
> 
> *3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT!* This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
> 
> *4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point.* Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
> anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”
> 
> *6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.*Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
> opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
> 
> *7) Get sexy – in a healthy way*. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."_


----------



## AppleDucklings

morituri said:


> Ok time to get this thread back on track.
> 
> Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:
> 
> 
> 
> You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.


So, who wants to be my date tonight, lol


----------



## AppleDucklings

reindeer said:


> Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today  You are all so good at detatching!


I understand how you feel Reindeer. My hub is still living home too. He should be moving out sometime this week but we've not slept in the same bed in 2 weeks now. And he is here right now and I want to hug him, I want to hold him, I want him to make everything better but I have to realize that he is in no state to make anything better until he makes himself better. And while he is carrying on his affair, nothing will get better except for what I make better myself and that is me. I can make me better Detaching is not easy. It's killing me. I have to muster up every last ounce of strength in me to do this. This is why I force NC between us. Of course, I do have to talk to him bc we have kids, but I keep it extremely limited. It's very hard being away from him but right now, it is what I must do.


----------



## morituri

AppleDucklings said:


> So, who wants to be my date tonight, lol


I will. Can I bring my girlfriend along?:rofl:


----------



## AppleDucklings

morituri said:


> I will. Can I bring my girlfriend along?:rofl:


Why not? The way men are making me lately, I may have to start considering other options, LOL!


----------



## reindeer

Morituri, thankyou, I really like short things to remember like 

'pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not' it reminds me what to do.

Apple Ducklings thankyou too, for understanding. It is so physically painful isn't it? I will send you a hug instead!

Anyway have not given in. He cooked roast dinner for us all, brought me a glass of port while I was cleaning. We are all sat watching tv now. He looks very tired and fed up.. He is working tomorrow although a public holiday, I think to save money for his new accommodation. While he looks like this ,it is easier not to want to talk to him ,and not hug him, and I have been looking up funny things on You Tube to show my daughter and humming too!


----------



## ing

Thanks to this thread and a mental shift I had a good weekend. 
Not a bearable weekend. A good one. Some people will not agree with this..

Saturday was my bagle date. We sat in a park and talked.
We enjoyed each others company, it felt good to be out and about. It felt good to be laughing with them.

Sunday morning. 
Cleaned and organised the house. Put her stuff in piles. Got some boxes out. Lots of physical exercise!
Second Date..
This one was a surprise . Got a text from somebody else "Want to go see some art?" 
Many, many hours later I returned home after art, drinks, a meal. This was very, very nice.

I came home. Slept well and woke up this morning feeling positive.

Lesson Learnt
This is the same thing my WW went through.

This is and was her choice every single step of the way. From the first "hello" on the first date, sharing a bottle of wine when you know it will lower your resistance. To where it is now. 

Sure makes it easier to let go when you realise how easy it is even when you really like the person to NOT GO THERE.

She chose to hurt me
She chose to break up our family. 
She chose to do this.
She continues to do this.

We have a hard time accepting that the person we loved for so long could do this to us. Fact is. They did.
You might not recognize then. But that is who they are now.
{ Think I may get Mr Grumpy out today }


----------



## morituri

Good for you ing. You are on your way to a better life. The world is your oyster my friend.


----------



## The 13th_Floor

Jellybeans said:


> You gotta love how the men are scared in their own frickin clubhouse! HAHAHAHA


Yea because we know you women are snooping around in it :rofl:


----------



## LonelyNLost

Ladies and gentlemen, we are a work in progress.  

I have let go. I don't want him. Especially when he posts a picture of the two of them together as their facebook profile pics. He's flaunting it now. I take solace in knowing that I'll grow as a person and come out stronger, and he's the same old failure.


----------



## troy

Just fired off my letting go email. It feels wierd to really let go emotionally - exicited, sad, scared, .... I feel good though. Its been a long time coming and I as I sit here tying, I feel good about finally letting her go from my heart.

I feel letting go may get contagious because I feel like letting go of other some other stuff I am hanging on to, but one thing at a time.

How liberating......


----------



## morituri

LonelyNLost said:


> Ladies and gentlemen, we are a work in progress.
> 
> I have let go. I don't want him. Especially when he posts a picture of the two of them together as their facebook profile pics. He's flaunting it now. I take solace in knowing that I'll grow as a person and come out stronger, and he's the same old failure.


And they are a piece of work.:rofl:

Take solace in that reality will eventually come to bite them in the a$$ when many of them will one day be betrayed by their 'soulmate'. Poetic justice.


----------



## paramore

It sucks letting go when you still love them with your whole heart, but that's what true love isn't it? Loving them means letting them go. I am with my husband, but I need to let him go for my sanity, until he can work through his issues and make good decisions again, I can't sit and give him all of my love daily and get nothing in return, it makes me crazy.


----------



## morituri

paramore said:


> ...but that's what true love isn't it? Loving them means letting them go.


Yes it is.

From the first post of this thread:



> _Let them go. Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM/OW, I hope he/she makes you happy, good bye" Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?_


----------



## paramore

yeah, and it blows.....right now I am the only woman, he just doesn't have any feelings for me right now. He is starting to hit the remorse and extreme guilt stage I believe. For the first time he acknowledged what he had done was horrible and said I am sorry with tears in his eyes. He realizes he needs to forgive himself and me. Funny thing is that even though he had many more indiscretions than I, I feel I am being held up to different standards of forgiveness, maybe a guy thing? He has a hard time being with me or around me, mostly with me. He said if they hadn't come up he would have jumped back into the marriage and fixed things. I disagree, I wouldn't have realized how far he had gotten with M, and he possibly would have started up with S anyways, I wouldn't have got shaken to my core and just let myself wallow in my depression. I am NOT saying the swap was a positive thing, oh god no, but something needed to happen to really wake us the F up, cuz we certainly weren't doing it on our own...if I have to completely let go of the love of my life forever, I guess then that's what I will do, God the thought of that tears my heart apart.


----------



## reindeer

Messed right up today and now feel awful again!

Husband came in from work, dog went mad. 

He said 'someone is pleased to see me'

I said 'I am pleased to see you ' and hugged him!! I stopped myself all day yesterday just to set myself up again. He hugged me, but just cause I did I think.

Then I said aren't you very happy with me, as if I had done something wrong He said 'No not at all'

In my mind I had wanted to talk again aout us and still do really.

Now he is out with dog, has thought aout taking our daughter away for weekend, and I feel everyone but me has his affection. I hate myself for sounding so pathetic, I just feel like running out the door at the moment.

Have to go to new work in morning with someone shadowing me, even more stress. Help!


----------



## paramore

Nope I take it back that I am the only woman, just ****ing found out he has been texting this last EA for god knows how long......I can only pull up last few days worth, whatever I am truly letting go, cheers for being a single mom


----------



## reindeer

Thats really tough Paramore so sorry to hear that, you must be very hurt again now. Situations seem to change so quickly. Look after yourself,whatever you decide to do.


----------



## ing

Letter Sent.
It was really hard to write, and even harder to hit the send button. This morning I feel sad but in a strange way relieved that in my mind the drama is officially over.

One of the things that was bugging me was her supercilious patronizing "Are you alright?'
This morning on the drop of kids she didn't even get out of the car. I assume she read my email.. 

Paramour. You deserve better than that. You are being betrayed. 

“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.” 
Arthur Miller


----------



## paramore

really shouldn't I be used to it by now? This is like the fourth or fifth time I have been knocked on my ass.


----------



## troy

ing;
I see you went the email route like me. This really sucks, does'nt it? I mean, you live with this person for god knows how many year, and now its time to go your separate ways, and you cant tell her in person cause she does not talk to you anymore. 

It would have been alot more painful for me, but I would have preferred to tell her in person and take the extra pain.

Like you, I feel lighter today and was in a better mood than the past few days. I think once you know its over and you start taking steps to let go it becomes easier as the days go by; well at least I am hoping that is what will happen for me.

Today I found myself not thinking about her. This is very different than before I sent the email. Normally she is on my mind every frickin minute... It drives me crazy.

A good sign is when she is no longer on my mind so I can occupy the few brain cells I have left with things important to me, that will bring good things in my life.

I have spent the majority of my life with my SO and it scares me when I think about how long I have been unhappy. I am so ready and looking forward to waking up with a smile on my face. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time that happened.


----------



## ing

troy said:


> I have spent the majority of my life with my SO and it scares me when I think about how long I have been unhappy. I am so ready and looking forward to waking up with a smile on my face. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time that happened.


I am the same. All my adult life. I left the letter rather later than you. I did all the wrong things. I pleaded. I begged. I reasoned. Oh god did I reason.
The last week I have gone totally dark. Nothing beyond the kids. This morning I sent the email and within an hour received an email back that started with:
"I can hardly see through the fog" and then most she has said to me in 45 days.
I did not respond.

An hour after that another one agreeing tersely to the divorce.
I will not respond.

Dark.. Stay Dark.


----------



## reindeer

Troy, I have just read your post and looked at your 'If she want to go set her free' thread. I am pleased you have found some relief now, and it seems you well deserve it for all the effort you have put in to the relationship over the years. Do post how life continues, it is so helpful to see others moving on. just looking at these posts before I start work and it will help me get on with my day, just knowing others are or have felt like me, and there is light at the end of the tunel.


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## morituri

Bumping for the new arrivals


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## paramore

bump bump lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ing

Ok . An update. I look back at the posts I wrote and from the position I am in now I am surprised at how mild the things I did were. At the time they felt like I was being a complete bastard.
I really thought I was being very hard line 180. It just shows how hard it is to do a 180!

It is over 6 weeks since my last post on this thread and I most certainly have let go. 

I feel much better and suffer the pit of despair without reference to her. It is just emotion that needs to be dealt with. It only happens once a week or something.

letting her go helped me recover. 
It helped my kids have a sane Father.

My 25 year marriage is over.

I am okay with it. She doesn't want me. I certainly don't want her now.
It was not the outcome I wanted but really I had no choice in this. 
The only thing I could change was myself.


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## AppleDucklings

This thread is one of my fav's on here. When it was first posted (before my D was final) I printed it out and I kept with me and would read it and re-read anytime I wanted to go crazy on my ex and the ow. It helped me tremendously to let go. To any new members on here, I recommend to you to print it out and keep a copy handy.


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## morituri

Even though it isn't a sticky, we can bump it from time to time for the benefit of the new arrivals.


----------



## AppleDucklings

ing said:


> Ok . An update. I look back at the posts I wrote and from the position I am in now I am surprised at how mild the things I did were. At the time they felt like I was being a complete bastard.
> I really thought I was being very hard line 180. It just shows how hard it is to do a 180!
> 
> It is over 6 weeks since my last post on this thread and I most certainly have let go.
> 
> I feel much better and suffer the pit of despair without reference to her. It is just emotion that needs to be dealt with. It only happens once a week or something.
> 
> letting her go helped me recover.
> It helped my kids have a sane Father.
> 
> My 25 year marriage is over.
> 
> I am okay with it. She doesn't want me. I certainly don't want her now.
> It was not the outcome I wanted but really I had no choice in this.
> The only thing I could change was myself.


(((hugs))) ing. Same with me. Divorce was not the outcome I wanted either but I am much better without him and with him still actively chasing the ow and still very deep in his fog, D was the only thing I could do. Now we just gotta believe somehow things will get better. You can change youself, just as I can change myself and maybe someday our spouses will see what they lost. (I would not take mine back but it would be nice to know he may someday regret what he did)


----------



## ing

AppleDucklings said:


> (((hugs))) ing. Same with me. Divorce was not the outcome I wanted either but I am much better without him and with him still actively chasing the ow and still very deep in his fog, D was the only thing I could do. Now we just gotta believe somehow things will get better. You can change youself, just as I can change myself and maybe someday our spouses will see what they lost. (I would not take mine back but it would be nice to know he may someday regret what he did)


(((hugs))) We are doing okay. Take it easy Apple. 

I still have the private jet and helicopter on standby BTW)


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## AppleDucklings

ing said:


> (((hugs))) We are doing okay. Take it easy Apple.
> 
> I still have the private jet and helicopter on standby BTW)


Sweet  I'm off work here at 4:30 central time USA. Not sure what time it is for you. It would be quite the sight to be taken away in the chopper instead of driving home in my camry.  I'll have the university I work for clear the parking lot so you can land, lol


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## honey123

Thanks from a new arrival. x


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## hesnothappy

I am not new to this site, but to this section. I love the words of wisdom offered in this thread, I find some comedy as well. I don't know if my H has AW or not. I have not done any investigating, but thinking back on things before he left...I would wager that he does (poor her ;o) I have let go and I did the 180 almost from the beginning of our separation. It made me feel good and secure in who I am and what I deserve. Getting out of the Condo we shared as a family also helped a great deal. I have memories, but they are even settling into a new part of the brain that is not at the forefront. I am glad to see so many on here doing so well post divorce/separation...I know I can make it too ;o) I have copied the words of wisdom for any set backs I may suffer.


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## Houstondad

Hello. I am new to this thread. This part I am struggling with now. Facing the reality of letting go. I have a current thread right now about my wife being stubborn despite the affair being over as of late May. I know women typically take longer to get over it because the emotional aspects. If you have a chance, look at my history of the affair. Anyways, I know my self-esteem was crushed and has been stepped on for the last year. I had bad advice and thought I was doing the right thing. It's obvious it never worked. I need the strength to move on, but right now I'm struggling so much with it.


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## morituri

Houstondad,

How do you eat an elephant? one bite at time, one bite at a time.

How do you move on? one day at a time, one day at a time.


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## Houstondad

I know Morituri. One moment I'm feeling good, confident, and feel like I can do this. The next moment or next day, I get this "worried" feeling of losing the one I loved. It feels like an episode from the Twilight Zone regarding our loved ones. I was totally caught off guard with her comments that our marriage was in disarray for the last few years. Even though I'm not perfect, her perspective definitely was twisted. This decision would have been so much easier and better timed back in May when she and I talked about her meeting the OM to see once and for all if there's a future. She told me she felt bad hurting me ( she was sincere and was crying) but described it like an addiction. Now that she's on meds, the affair over (almost 100% sure), I feel like I'm rushing this at a time where there could be recovery. I know she's still hurting from the OM ending it because she listens to music about lost love and losing someone. I wish it was about me, but I'm certain it's about the OM. Sorry for my rambling here. She requested and had a video chat with the kids and I last night. She looked and sounded terrible. The kids let her know they missed her and wanted her back home. I kept my composure and had a smile on my face the whole time saying things have been great. Anyways, thanks for listening to my little rant.


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## morituri

Hey no problem.

In the meantime, might I suggest that you don't neglect your own life? Go out with friends, take your kids to fun places, get some exercise, eat healthy, etc. Don't put your life on hold because of her. 

You might also want to limit the contact you have with her to just issues relating to the children. I say this because personal interaction with your wife while she's still pining away for the OM is very toxic and keeps you from enjoying the other things in life.


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## Houstondad

Our video chat last night was 90% about the kids or the kids doing all the talking. LOL. I made a little chit-chat about the World Cup Soccer Game and about spending time with friends and family. But you're right. I need to limit the conversations more. Also, I have been exercising for months now. It's always helped me. I am taking the kids out this week for fun too. And I want to get my butt in gear to do some hobbies. I think the more I do these things, these emotions and feelings will get better. I want to get stronger emotionally.


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## ing

morituri said:


> You might also want to limit the contact you have with her to just issues relating to the children. I say this because personal interaction with your wife while she's still pining away for the OM is very toxic and keeps you from enjoying the other things in life.


:iagree:


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## morituri

once again, another bump for the benefit of those new arrivals.


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## morituri

Did anybody order a bump?


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## Jellybeans

Always good to bump this thread. And I do love how you have added these links to your signature since the advice is almost always the same LOL.


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Always good to bump this thread. And I do love how you have added these links to your signature since the advice is almost always the same LOL.


Ahhh shucks ma'am it ain't nothin'. Now you'll excuse me while I go back to my rockin' chair and smoke my corncob pipe.


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## morituri

:rant:


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## mortimus

My wife had PA and has since filed for divorce..She says she is in love with him and wants a relationship with him, He live an hour and a half away from us...she is 45 and i believe she is going through a midlife crisis..now she has been caught twice with a younger guy here in town and still denies it..she has totally lost my respect and is on the verge of losing respect of all of our friends as well..anyhow this has been very helpful for me. any more advice would help as well...


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## 52flower

Keep rereading Moritori's "Just Let Them Go" until you believe, own, & can put into action what the words say. It helped me face & accept the situation and gave me clarity & motivation to start working on me. It helped me tremendously. As I am still on the roller coaster I still read it.


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Ahhh shucks ma'am it ain't nothin'. Now you'll excuse me while I go back to my rockin' chair and smoke my corncob pipe.


LOL!

Bumping again for the newbies!


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## Jellybeans

mortimus said:


> My wife had PA and has since filed for divorce..She says she is in love with him and wants a relationship with him, He live an hour and a half away from us...she is 45 and i believe she is going through a midlife crisis..now she has been caught twice with a younger guy here in town and still denies it..she has totally lost my respect and is on the verge of losing respect of all of our friends as well..anyhow this has been very helpful for me. any more advice would help as well...


Start your own thread.

Basically the jist is: if she wants out, let her go! (And get tested for STDs).


----------



## dixieindistress

thanks for this! i've just been catapulted into the world of infidelity and an impending divorce but this helps bring things into perspective for me.


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## Soccerfan73

This is an excellent thread. It certainly is excellent advice.


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## morituri

As I said in the fist post of this thread, I cannot take credit for "Let Them Go" (page 4 #23417). I highly recomend that you go to its source right *here* and read more of the wisdom of its originator.


----------



## ing

Another update. 
It is now what seems like a lifetime since Dday. [March] My life has changed totally. I am sitting in my house. All traces of my stbxw have gone. 
Most days and weeks I am okay. The pain has all but subsided in every day life. 

Work is good again.

The kids are hanging out with Dad even when they shouldn't be. It appears that I am cool. It also helps that I have super fast Internet 

Gradually I have changed myself. I take absolutely no **** off anyone anymore. Least of all my Ex. The 180 continues.

Then..
She finds a button on me to press. I think I have them all covered, but no. She finds it. I fall apart for a day. The whole thing all over again. I am used to it now. Just part of my life.

I get caught by songs too. Songs that before meant nothing now are full of pain. I listen to them until they don't hurt anymore. Their power has gone. A few times I have had to pull over in the car. Just wait.

So this is my life. Some pain. Some Joy and a whole new perspective on the world.

One I had been lucky enough to have avoided for all my adult life. 

I was lucky I guess.

She is still in the affair with the OM. He is still married and despite telling her he would separate. He won't. It is so sad.I see my oldest friend destroy her life.
The worst thing is that I know she will come out of this and wonder what happened. 
It isn't my problem now. I can not change her.

So sadness continues. It was a 25 year relationship. i am learning to live again. 
I am letting go. It feels right to do it.


----------



## 52flower

I have lots of empathy for where you are at. I understand as I have moments still. Some days are filled with strength then out of the blue, as you said, large & small triggers toss you right back into the bottom of the cave that you managed to climb out of. It's good you have your kids to keep you busy and remind you of the great things in life. I am alone and have spent lots of hours thinking, remembering, feeling. Sometimes they were judt words but what others said is true, it DOES GET BETTER eventually. You seem like a nice person who has his heart in the right place. I believe you will find a loyal someone who will love you like you deserve. Hang in there ING...


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## Eli-Zor

Ing: I have not read your thread , this may have been answered . Does the OM's wife know he is having an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marital_discord

@morituri (your post dated 04-28-2011, 10:03 AM, page 1 - "Here are some more words of wisdom...")

This is the best advice EVER! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this one!!!


----------



## ing

Eli-Zor said:


> Ing: I have not read your thread , this may have been answered . Does the OM's wife know he is having an affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No.
I have been trying to find out the wifes contact details. This was a work affair and it seems that privacy legislation prohibits the employer from revealing private details. 
I think I found her email though.. Just this week

it wont't effect me since I am finished with her, but I owe it to her to tell her..


----------



## Eli-Zor

Do tell his wife , she can then make decisions about her marriage. I would be inclined to send a letter to the HR department copy your wife's boss and another director advising them of the affair, while this may not change your circumstance it may protect other marriages for their predatory behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mortimus

you say if she wants out just let her go...my situation is we have been married for twenty five years and have been together for thirty, we have two kids one is twenty and one is sixteen...i wish it was that easy to just let go..i know it will become less painful but man this really sucks.I have done all the wrong things and have been fighting her on this for months and she is to the point where she absolutely hates to be around me..things will be final soon and i will be moving out... The i will make it mantra does help but i am not so sure that me leaving and moving on will make her have second thoughts or any remorse and want to come back, nor do i feel i would want her back now.


----------



## Craggy456

ing said:


> I get caught by songs too. Songs that before meant nothing now are full of pain.



I know how it feels. I was never into pop music and I'm trying to change a few things in my 180 and a few weeks ago I heard a song that reminds me of what my H might think when he meets a woman in a bar when he's out of town


Me not working hard?
Yea right picture that with a kodak
And better yet, go to times square
Take a picture of me with a kodak
Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y’all know that
And tonight, let’s enjoy life
Pitbull, Nayer, Ne-Yo
[Ne-Yo / Nayer - Chorus]

Tonight I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Let’s do it tonight
I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Lets do it tonight
Let’s do it tonight
Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight

Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to Dubai to preform for a princess
But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless
This is insane: the way the name growin'
Money keep flowin'
Hustlers move aside
So, I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin'
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Put it on my life, baby,
I make you feel right, baby
Can't promise tomorrow
But, I promise tonight
Excuse me
And I might drink a little more than I should tonight
And I might take you home with me, if I could tonight
And, baby, Ima make you feel so good, tonight
Cause we might not get tomorrow


I choke every time I hear that on the radio

*sorry for the thread jack*


----------



## FixMyHead

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who made this thread what it is. I have found a new more personally productive perspective through it. Thank you all!


----------



## sds

morituri said:


> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.[/I]


my wife is having and EA but she isn't claiming it as such. just rekindling a friendship. how can you apply this last bit of wisdom when she leaves with our three kids and they can barely make rent with the part time job she got?


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## 8yearscheating

You are no more responsible for her financial needs than you were for what she did. She made the decisions to do what she did and she can live with the problems it created. DO NOT feel empathy for her no matter how much you love her. Think of it like an adult child moving away, sure you want to help, but they need to grow up and learn to do it on their own - you won't be there forever. In the case of spouse, same thing. She chose this road, she will have to live with her decisions and you won't be there to help her forever if she continues down it. She needs to face those realities and you supporting her only enables her behavior further. Would you sign a check that was to the bearer of "go ahead and cheat here's my money to do it"?


----------



## sds

The big thing is I'm concerned about my kids. She moved about 100 miles away and I'm not able to just go and drop off food and clothes for them. Also how could this play out in court if I don't support them? Will I get slammed with unpaid child support? Three kids + California = Broke!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

sds said:


> The big thing is I'm concerned about my kids. She moved about 100 miles away and I'm not able to just go and drop off food and clothes for them. Also how could this play out in court if I don't support them? Will I get slammed with unpaid child support? Three kids + California = Broke!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All good questions but I would suggest that you consider opening your own thread to get the visibility it deserves and thus get more comments from the other forum members.


----------



## ing

"The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner."

It is six months since she left. Yesterday I got a grovelling apology and its all my fault email. She wants to come back. 
The only problem with Letting Go. Is that you, well, let go. 
I will post the details on another thread. I just wanted to update this thread since it was relevant.


----------



## 8yearscheating

ing said:


> "The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner."
> 
> It is six months since she left. Yesterday I got a grovelling apology and its all my fault email. She wants to come back.
> The only problem with Letting Go. Is that you, well, let go.
> I will post the details on another thread. I just wanted to update this thread since it was relevant.


Looked for the details and couldn't find them?


----------



## lordmayhem

ing said:


> "The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner."
> 
> It is six months since she left. Yesterday I got a grovelling apology and its all my fault email. She wants to come back.
> The only problem with Letting Go. Is that you, well, let go.
> I will post the details on another thread. I just wanted to update this thread since it was relevant.


What did your GF say about it?


----------



## this is bad

Thanks for this post.. 

I'm going to start applying this today. Hope this emotional rollercoaster comes to an end soon. As of this moment I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!


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## whatonearthnow

bump

awesome thread - kept me sane (ish) for a while


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## MrQuatto

and bump.


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## Jellybeans

and bumpity bump bump


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## ing

*Letting Go of Responsibility.*

This won't apply to everyone but it certainly applied to me and was a hard thing to deal with.


When you let them go you have to not only let your lover go, your friend, and perhaps the Mother or Father of your children. 

You have to let the world untangle around you, watching the person you loved so long destroy their life.

For me, this was really hard to do. She is determined to move on with her new sex driven life at the expense of every person she ever loved.

She made the decisions, she chose this. I think it is really, really dumb in spite of leaving me. It is still dumb.

*You have to let go of any feeling of responsibility you have too. 
*


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## MrQuatto

bumping...


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## morituri

If you want to read the posts of the creator of "Just Let Them Go", rob x, click on *"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *


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## Mark1968

TextbookStuffHere said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did exactly that, let her go told her to be happy, it lasted 2 days and the OM was not ready for a relationship after all. She had the guest room at our house for 2 nights then my step dad drove her back to another state. She admits to being a fool, I still love her with all my heart. I am gutted.


----------



## this is bad

I wonder sometimes how long this take for some people.

Just let them go.

For me, it was almost 1.5mths after d-day. It was a hard decision. She knew I was ready to let her go when I said I wanted a D. And thanked her for the wonderful 18yrs we had together. I wished her the best in her future.

She broke down and said "I don't want you to go anywhere. I will remain NC. We have been married for 18yrs. Please give me a chance to prove to you how important this marriage is to me. I don't want to be alone."

It all sounds good and very believable. I said,"you can prove all that with NC letter"

Maybe I going too fast. But I'm still not sure what she is thinking. Or what her long term plans are.


Just Let Them Go


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## TimeHeals

this is bad said:


> I wonder sometimes how long this take for some people.
> 
> Just let them go.
> 
> For me, it was almost 1.5mths after d-day.


Some people do this in about 15 minutes.

Some people never get there and stay locked in a struggle with their spouse/ex-spouse for years on end.

Rob's material is pretty insightful. Rob is a good guy. I'd argue that it's not completely comprehensive and not nuanced, but when you are dealing with the spouse of somebody who is having an affair, 'subtle' fails to get through to them that they need to disentagle themself from the struggle and the kind of needy or manipulative co-dependent behavior that usually goes along with being a BS more often than not.

Trying to argue somebody out of their feelings doesn't work. Trying to manipulate them just makes them resent you.
Trying to control them, begging them, and so on... after a while is just being obstinate.

It most certainly isn't taking control of your own life and taking the lead on your own decission making. 

There's a James Ward painting that comes to mind:










Don't be the "Donkey" in this image


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## paramore

it takes some people longer than others, but you can let them go, i did. he is living in a ramshack trailer his mom gave him, and me and the kiddies are moving into a cute 3 bedroom house in 3 weeks, been at new job two and a half months. i think bankruptcy will be over in oct, then i file, then im free. thing is, i can tell he is back and forth, too bad!!!! just let them go and live your beautiful life 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

How many have clicked on the link I provided to check out rob x's insightful comments?


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## Jellybeans

paramore said:


> it takes some people longer than others, but you can let them go, i did. he is living in a ramshack trailer his mom gave him, and me and the kiddies are moving into a cute 3 bedroom house in 3 weeks, been at new job two and a half months. i think bankruptcy will be over in oct, then i file, then im free. thing is, i can tell he is back and forth, too bad!!!! just let them go and live your beautiful life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Para! I am glad to hear things are going well w/ you :smthumbup:


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## elph

morituri said:


> How many have clicked on the link I provided to check out rob x's insightful comments?



i have for sure, as well as soem coach stuff and from mark as well...all insightful, and has changed my approach to my affair. 

while i like alot fo what dr. harley says, robs stuff makes just as much sense...and theres nothing wrong with a two pronged attack to destroy an affair.


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## TimeHeals

elph said:


> i have for sure, as well as soem coach stuff and from mark as well...all insightful, and has changed my approach to my affair.
> 
> while i like alot fo what dr. harley says, robs stuff makes just as much sense...and theres nothing wrong with a two pronged attack to destroy an affair.



How is having the objective of destroying an affair letting go?


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## elph

well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...

but it coincides a bit with what my therapist has told me.

she mentined that i, myself need to grow as a person. that i need to heal. and from that several things will happen. ill end up letting go of the things i cant control, and in a lot of ways, lettting go of the marriage. but at the same time i need to personally heal before i enter into ANY relationship, marriage or new. as well itll make me a better person. and that raises my "value" (respect for myself and dignity). by doing that my wife would start to realize who and what i am as opposed to the OM who is really of low value.

by letting go of the marriage and focusing on myself, she would actually take notice and start to gravitate towards me again. but really thats the side effect of my own personal growth. I become more confident, my self assured. i worry about my self. and again raise my value to myself. 

and as the affair suffers (esp from all the other stuff i did, like esposure and meeting her needs) notice that the grass isnt greener on the other side, but i also provide nice shade and aplace to be happy in again.

i guess what im trying to say is that by letting go it boosts me, but affects her, and as it affects her, it affects the affair. and more than likely in a negative , slow death kinda way.


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## TimeHeals

elph said:


> well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...


OK, good. You had me worried 

The funny thing about letting go is that... people usually do it after trying everything else first, and then when they really let go, sometimes their spouse gets all needy since there is no doormat to fall back on and presses for more commitment ... and decreases any chance that the affair is going to fly.

Weird, sometimes-unintended consequence. The intended consequence is to embrace life again so that you can be ready for somebody who will really value you.


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## elph

and sometimes, hopefully the person who values you is also the person who's remorseful and learns from thier mistakes.


at least thats what my son hopes...even if he doesnt comprehend it right now


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## the guy

Doesn't this all boil down to what many tell the newbie , that "distance your self and focus on your self" when one comes to this form after ...or even before d day, or the confrontation.

A self improvement that will stress the A and make the LS more attractive. I think the best course of action when this cheating crap starts snowballing is to "just let them go".

Granted at the time it was hard as hell but after d day and moving on to confronting I felt like I had to just let her go, and it worked.

Its so hard to see it though, I mean your 1st instinct is to beg and cry for the marriage, but as all us veterians now it only empowers the DS.

If anything can be learned or more importantly be implimented when the sh!t storm of infidelity starts with the flags and then discovery it having the strangth to just let them go.

Even at 1st, it may be all but a perception, you need to show your wayward tthis, and as emotional as it is this perseption is the best course of action even with the strong emotion of unconditional love one has when it all starts to unfold.

It seems the typical course of action in that some beg&plead, then fake R and then finaly the "just move on" . when if it was the other way around then it would be "move on", then DS does the begging and then the hopes of a true R, and I use the words true R loosely.

Just my $0.02


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## Houstondad

I really appreciate this thread. I find myself coming back to this thread from time to time to help reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. I've found that letting go came easier to me over time as I focused on myself and my kids while my wife lives a thousand miles away. 
She's been chatting with the kids and I keep my chats with her brief and I always end our chats. Today she PISSED me off though. Said I haven't been available enough on my computers in the evening so she can chat with the kids. She even said she wondered if this was my way of getting back at her. Truth is, the kids and I are leading busy lives and it's hard to always be available at a specific time. It's easy for my wife. No job. No nothing.But I responded in a positive manner and said we would try to do a better job and if I'm not on my computer when she wants to chat that she can CALL us on our PHONE. Amazing concept, huh? Anyways, it's moments like this that confirms that letting go is the right thing.


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## FML2011

Thank you for this thread. I am not 'there' yet and not sure when or if I will be, put I will read 'Let them go' daily. We have 2 very young children (2 and 4 yrs old) so letting go is especially difficult. There is also the huge financial strain we are under right now (like had to sell off jewelry it's so bad).


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## the guy

Houstondad, 
You did good and can I add, that a more devent response would have been "you left so now you are on our schedule, staying home and taking the hard road to repair a marrige would have been better then working on a computor time with the kids a 1,000 miles from them". Again a devient thing! You took the high road.

You sir are admirable and fair, do not change.


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## Houstondad

Thanks guy!
Yeah, there's times where I feel like this road I've been on is so high that I'm about to reach the top of Everest. But it'll be worth it when I get there.


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## DSSM9500

I sent my "just let them go" email this morning. It felt good. I have realized that with all the lies, deceit, and hurt continuing to pile on I had no other choice. Her EA and the choice to maintain contact with OM shows the ultimate disrespect to me, our marriage, and our kids. If this is what she wants, let her have it.


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## ing

had a read again.. and a bump..


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## StillLost

Hello All I must say I have gained much insight and sanity from this whole thread, on just letting go

As for my situation, I am divorced, I have been for four months now, I was married for nine years, my ex wife has run off with a co worker, she hid this from me even while we were separated and during that time we said that we would work on each other and come back together, the whole time I did not know she was already in a full blown relationship with her coworker, once I found out she became real cold and told me that I was pressuring her, when all I asked was make a decision him or me, she chose him, I am trying my best to let her go, I'm dating casually, I dont call or txt or email anymore, its been a month since we spoke I told her that I cant be her friend, and that i wouldnt contact her anymore, well she recently contacted me asking did I have any of her paper work, which she knows I dont becuase she has been out the house for a year now

Im trying my best to let her go, the problem is that, even after all that has happened I still love her so much, and her recent phone call to me just messed me all up, I didnt answer the call she left a message and i just emailed her and said "I dont have anything of yours" this is so hard I'm sorry if Im all over the place with this post 

I just figured I'd contribute since I read this thread everyday, still trying to let go, it seems almost impossible


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## morituri

StillLost consider sending her an email telling her flat out *"Don´t contact me anymore"*. In the meantime ignore any attempts by her to contact you and she will eventually will get the message that you are through with her. Good luck.


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## FML2011

I read this a few weeks ago and put it into effect almost 2 weeks ago. He said he was on a business trip and I found his car in front of her condo (well, 'their' condo as both names were on the buzzer). I called him and let him know that I knew where he was. He came out, we argued, I cried and then told him he needed to leave. He told me he was planning on leaving that week and was going to talk to me about it. I told him 'no - you need to leave RIGHT NOW'. He wanted to wait til that night so he could say goodbye to the kids. I told him NO- you will go to the house right now, pack some things and leave. BU that night he was already texting me about how he missed me, he was so confused and lost. Can I just say, though I was still emotional...I already had started feeling stronger and everyday it has gotten better. The first week I still had a rough time when he came to see the kids (every other day). I finally told him I needed REAL space and he needed to stay away for 4 days. He did and it was wonderful. It really helped me find the clarity and strength I didn't even know existed. I had spent 2.5 months drawing the line in the sand, he kept crossing it - and I kept allowing him to. No more. I'm not saying it has been easy, but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.


----------



## morituri

FML2011 said:


> but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.


Sometimes 'Just Let Them Go' is reminiscent of the Serenity prayer in finding the courage to change the things we can and to accept the things one cannot change.

No matter what happens, you WILL make it. You can bet on it.


----------



## ScullyFan

This is one of the best posts I have ever read!!! As painful as it is nothing brings us more peace than let go, it took me a long time to realize this. You try to hold on and hold on and hold on sometimes to the point you will lose your dignity your mind and for what???? Just let them go. You will make it one way or the other and get stronger in the process.


----------



## daisygirl 41

ScullyFan said:


> This is one of the best posts I have ever read!!! As painful as it is nothing brings us more peace than let go, it took me a long time to realize this. You try to hold on and hold on and hold on sometimes to the point you will lose your dignity your mind and for what???? Just let them go. You will make it one way or the other and get stronger in the process.


I pray for the strength to even let go a little bit. 4 months after the EA finished and he tells me he loves me but the spark has gone! But he still sleeps in the same bed and wants to do stuff together. My heart is breaking. After 18 years and 3 children together how do I just let go? I'm too weak!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScullyFan

daisygirl 41 said:


> I pray for the strength to even let go a little bit. 4 months after the EA finished and he tells me he loves me but the spark has gone! But he still sleeps in the same bed and wants to do stuff together. My heart is breaking. After 18 years and 3 children together how do I just let go? I'm too weak!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Daisygirl, you are not too weak! You been married to this man for 18 years and have 3 children together, it's normal the way you feel, after all you have shared a good part of your life with this man not so easy to let go. Are you in MC? Are you trying to reconcile? Is he helping you to heal from his affair?


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## Lazarus

For those that followed this advice "Just Let Them Go" 

Did it work?


What happened? Did the undernoted claim for your situation turn out to be true? 

"Seriously, the quickest way to get them back."


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## FML2011

Lazarus said:


> For those that followed this advice "Just Let Them Go"
> 
> Did it work?
> 
> 
> What happened? Did the undernoted claim for your situation turn out to be true?
> 
> "Seriously, the quickest way to get them back."


I can't say if 'I got him back'. It's only been 2 weeks but he has definitely been miserable and realizing he can't have both. The last several days he been asking for hugs and affection when he leaves from visiting the kids. A couple of nights ago though he took several GIANT steps backwards and flew into a rage when he realized he wasn't invited to the birthday party I threw for our daughter. He realized he has really separated himself from the family and it's hitting him hard. I think I went in into the "Let them Go' theory thinking it would bring him back, but now 2 weeks out...I'm not so sure I want him back. That's because the rest of it rang true - I regained my dignity and realized I deserve to be valued, and he certainly wasn't valuing me. I also realized that if he does want me back, there is a lot of work to be done and I am not ready. But I definitely think it opened his eyes.


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## morituri

Lazarus said:


> For those that followed this advice "Just Let Them Go"
> 
> Did it work?
> 
> 
> What happened? Did the undernoted claim for your situation turn out to be true?
> 
> "Seriously, the quickest way to get them back."


Even though I wasn't even aware of rob x's masterpiece a few years ago, I did 'let her go' and she cried and begged me not to divorce her but the devastation I felt when I came upon the video of her and the OM having sex was simply too much for me to endure. So yes it worked even though my ex-wife and me divorced.

I believe it also worked for ArmyOfJuan but you would have to ask him.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT

I'm new here this week and I love this thread. I had always thought that once the spouse takes the real fun out of the affair than there's not much left. The elicit nature of an affair I always figured was the best part. Once everything is outed and especially if the cheated on spouse moves on it's just another relationship.


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## daisygirl 41

Bump!
I l ove this thread
It's hard. But I'm letting go! I have told him we are spreading after Xmas. I feel relief and at peace. I still adore him. But I can't rely on him to make me happy any more. I have to do that for myself!
But last night, he wanted to make love!! Is that allowed when ur trying to let go??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

If you don't feel comfortable, then don't . If your separating as he does not want to be in a marriage with you then don't , why feed his needs if he cannot and will not fight and change for your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> the devastation I felt when I came upon the video of her and the OM having sex was simply too much for me to endure.


Mori, I know you've mentioned before that you had some trick you did to stop the triggers from that and I'm curious to what they were. I have my own little thing that I do and I did not see the event go down so I am wondering what you do. Care to share?


----------



## Lon

Jellybeans said:


> Mori, I know you've mentioned before that you had some trick you did to stop the triggers from that and I'm curious to what they were. I have my own little thing that I do and I did not see the event go down so I am wondering what you do. Care to share?


I think it was mori who recommended picturing clown sex, especially with running around and honking a horn. It works great for me, I actually laugh about it now!


----------



## morituri

Lon said:


> Jellybeans said:
> 
> 
> 
> Mori, I know you've mentioned before that you had some trick you did to stop the triggers from that and I'm curious to what they were. I have my own little thing that I do and I did not see the event go down so I am wondering what you do. Care to share?
> 
> 
> 
> I think it was mori who recommended picturing clown sex, especially with running around and honking a horn. It works great for me, I actually laugh about it now!
Click to expand...

Exactly Lon. 

Jelly it is a form of mental video editing that worked for me every time the images of her and the OM having sex made their sh!tty visits  Give it a try, have a little patience with the process and hopefully you to will no longer have these flash backs of you with your OM and your ex-H with his OW. Though be ready to laugh your a$$ off repeatedly.:rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> I think it was mori who recommended picturing clown sex, especially with running around and honking a horn. It works great for me, I actually laugh about it now!





morituri said:


> Though be ready to laugh your a$$ off repeatedly.:rofl:


Ok. I am going to try this clown sex trigger thing. So you literally imagine them dressed up as clowns?? LOL.


----------



## Lon

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. I am going to try this clown sex trigger thing. So you literally imagine them dressed up as clowns?? LOL.


yep, literally... it is so hard not to feel yourself compelled to laugh - it's like your whole gut is trying to cry and the more painful the thought of it would be the harder it comes out as laughing. It's a weird laugh too, you can feel a tinge of sadness like your body just wants to sob, but then it becomes hysterical instead - I'm not sure it's entirely healthy but it puts a smile on my face so ends up making me feel good.


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. I am going to try this clown sex trigger thing. So you literally imagine them dressed up as clowns?? LOL.


Yes. I started with the OM then worked on my ex-W. Eventually I no longer triggered with sadness but with laughter - made me fart to


----------



## MrQuatto

bump


----------



## Arnold

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. I am going to try this clown sex trigger thing. So you literally imagine them dressed up as clowns?? LOL.


Well, FWIW , I would be worried it would turn me on


----------



## Lon

Arnold said:


> Well, FWIW , I would be worried it would turn me on


lol, you are a rare breed man, really nothing sexy to me at all about clown sex - one guy put some on his TV at a party at his house once, we all just looked at him wondering wtf he owned it for. Maybe picture...porcupines or something.


----------



## Almostrecovered

What if your wife had an affair with a clown?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> lol, you are a rare breed man, really nothing sexy to me at all about clown sex


Agreed. Clowns scare the sh!t out of me in a Freddy Krueger way. LOL.


----------



## Lon

Jellybeans said:


> Agreed. Clowns scare the sh!t out of me in a Freddy Krueger way. LOL.


We all float down here!


----------



## Arnold

My kids are all frightened of that Pennywise dude, Lon. No accounting for tastes.


----------



## Jellybeans

The Burger King king is pretty scary, too. 

Damn, you Lon!


----------



## Arnold

Burger King is a monster. Ronald McDonald, on the other hand, has a certain allure:smthumbup:


----------



## Hopingitworksout

:iagree:


morituri said:


> Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):
> 
> "_*Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing*. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
> 
> You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.
> 
> *Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse*. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
> 
> *1) Act Happy.* Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)
> 
> *2) Get a life*. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).
> 
> *3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT!* This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
> 
> *4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point.* Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
> anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”
> 
> *6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.*Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
> opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
> 
> *7) Get sexy – in a healthy way*. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."_


----------



## LoveLifeNow

I love this old posts, just wished I read them before I made most of these mistakes. Maybe I was not ready to hear it earlier. Ready to go forward and have a great new year!


----------



## morituri

LoveLifeNow said:


> I love this old posts, just wished I read them before I made most of these mistakes. Maybe I was not ready to hear it earlier. Ready to go forward and have a great new year!


Very few people have the emotional fortitude to implement 'Just Let Them Go' from the get go. It usually takes a little bit of time before he/she is finally able to do it.


----------



## morituri

(Hope nobody minds but I ran out of space on my signature field. I am parking my links here for the time being.)


*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *.

*Man Up real life story*
*Forgiveness*

*Boundaries*,
*Character*

*Shrink4Men - for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them* 
*No More Mr Nice Guy*
*Dads divorce*
*Not Just Friends*

*EMDR*
*Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles*,

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)*
*How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*
*Surveillance Methods As A Defense*

*Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life*.
*Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist*
*Shrink4Men*

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


----------



## ing

morituri said:


> Very few people have the emotional fortitude to implement 'Just Let Them Go' from the get go. It usually takes a little bit of time before he/she is finally able to do it.


I will attest to that. It is incredibly difficult to do. One of the things that helped me is that you don't need to feel it to do it.
Do the 180 with your head and your heart will follow, eventually.

It is very empowering and will help you feel better very fast. It is however quite tiring. okay, that is an understatement. It is exhausting, but really, what it the alternative?
You can become a cat lady or one of those guy you see propping up the bar on their own for years and years.
Who needs that. Life is short.


----------



## Benatar

I just want to say something here that, for me...really puts life in perspective. All I need to do is think about this person who I am about to tell you about...and it's all I need to help me keep moving forward.

I have been doing hair for the last 25 years. I have heard all sorts of stories from people but the ones that are most heartbreaking to me are the people who have just been diagnosed with cancer. Now you are probably thinking, what does cancer have to do with "Letting Someone Go". To me it's about LIFE and last chances, and doing all the things that make you happy in life...and pretty much living life to the fullest every single day, if you can.

I have an older man who has been getting his hair cut by me for the last 2 years. He is one of those who never really makes an appointment but comes in on a walk-in basis. He has been very loyal to the salon I have owned for 2 years. This is one customer that I did not really get that close to. He was just the kind of person who kept to himself. I honestly only found out his name after doing his hair for a year. Now I wish I had gotten to know him better. 

He recently came into my salon for a haircut and he had dropped at least 30 lbs. He was also carrying around an oxygen machine. At the time I didn't ask what was going on, I just assumed he was sick. Maybe had just gotten over pneumonia or something. Well the 2nd time I saw him he had gotten even skinnier. I still didn't know it was cancer until I said, "so how are you feeling..any better?" and he proceeded to tell me that the chemo was getting him down. I was shocked. I had no idea he had cancer. So we started talking about it, and he began to tell me that he was fine one day and then one day out of the blue he had a hard time breathing while going upstairs at his job. Made a Dr. appt. and found out he has stage 4 lung cancer. 

So my point is this. Life is too short to waste it on someone that doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you. Life should be spent having fun, laughing with friends, family and your children if you have them. Enjoy your pets, your home, your favorite hobbies because it could all be taken away in such a short time and then what?? I was just thinking that the last 2, almost 3 years I have been crying, upset, devastated, sad, miserable, depressed over someone who doesn't want me, yet I'm healthy!! I couldn't imagine how this customer of mine is looking at his life now...but I certainly don't want to waste another minute pining over someone who threw me to the sharks. LIFE is precious...and seeing this sweet older man going through this breaks my heart. It gives me strength to make the most of my life and to move on.


----------



## Jellybeans

Benatar, you need to start your own thread and not high-jack this one.


----------



## Benatar

oops, that is what I thought I was doing. My bad...I came in off of a different link and thought it was my own. I have deleted it.


----------



## morituri

bump


----------



## Unendinglove

Please all review my post today 6/6/12 at 11:23. "Please Help Friends. Need advice". i really need clarity on which path to take. Thanks!


----------



## Unendinglove

Ing you are a wonderful kind hearted person. God do i wish my wife could have been like that.


----------



## morituri

bump for the newbies.


----------



## morituri

If anybody is interested, the origin of just let them can be found in *"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *


----------



## Cat3CatGirl

Can anyone tell me how this applies to WH who has given up the OW, moved back home, but has not "committed" to saving the marriage? He's making efforts to improve in our problem areas, but is still entertaining the thought of divorce.


----------



## lordmayhem

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Can anyone tell me how this applies to WH who has given up the OW, moved back home, but has not "committed" to saving the marriage? He's making efforts to improve in our problem areas, but is still entertaining the thought of divorce.


Either he's all in, or show him the door and let him go. R is already extremely difficult when both partners are trying their best. If my fWW had the attitude your WH is showing, I have absolutely no doubt that I will kick her to the curb.

Remember this: Reconciliation (R) is a precious, precious gift. And that's only given when the WS has earned it through remorse, transparency, and the rest of the heavy lifting.


----------



## Cat3CatGirl

Thanks LordMayhem. I can't say that I will do that just yet, but I'm angrier and angrier about the fact that he's entertaining divorce still. And I'm angrier and angrier that he's stating some very selfish reasons, actually a vast majority of his divorce reasons are selfish. And this from a man who has been let to do almost anything he wants (my fault).

But it is going to be really hard for me to do. But may be just what he needs to finally go 1 way or the other.


----------



## lordmayhem

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Thanks LordMayhem. I can't say that I will do that just yet, but I'm angrier and angrier about the fact that he's entertaining divorce still. And I'm angrier and angrier that he's stating some very selfish reasons, actually a vast majority of his divorce reasons are selfish. And this from a man who has been let to do almost anything he wants (my fault).
> 
> But it is going to be really hard for me to do. But may be just what he needs to finally go 1 way or the other.


This applies to you too.


----------



## Cat3CatGirl

lol


----------



## Jellybeans

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Can anyone tell me how this applies to WH who has given up the OW, moved back home, but has not "committed" to saving the marriage? He's making efforts to improve in our problem areas, but is still entertaining the thought of divorce.


The advice is very applicable to the situation: if he's not committed to your marriage and wants a divorce, that says it all.

DO NOT hang onto someone who is trying to get rid of you.

It's really simple.

Switch the game up. Tell him you're not interested in a marriage where both partners aren't fully committed to eachother--that you both deserve better.

You have to mean it. Stop chasing him. Stop sleeping with him. Stop being a doormat. 

He wants out? -- Open up the door and wish him well.


----------



## lordmayhem

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Thanks LordMayhem. I can't say that I will do that just yet, but I'm angrier and angrier about the fact that he's entertaining divorce still. And I'm angrier and angrier that he's stating some very selfish reasons, actually a vast majority of his divorce reasons are selfish. And this from a man who has been let to do almost anything he wants (my fault).
> 
> But it is going to be really hard for me to do. But may be just what he needs to finally go 1 way or the other.


The fact of the matter is he should be kissing your ass and moving heaven and earth to win you back. Instead, it's all about him still.


----------



## havana20

i like the advice of Just let go,,,im trying but i ve relapsed too many times,,,im devestated


----------



## Cat3CatGirl

Unless a miracle happens between now and tonight (in that he FINALLY decides to REALLY commit), I am going to tell him to leave until he can truely commit to reconsiling or divorcing. I'm not ready for divorce, so am not presenting it as such at this time. But I'm sick of him grabbing me and taking me along on his roller coaster of indecision.



Wish me strength because I'm gonna need it!


----------



## Jellybeans

havana20 said:


> i like the advice of Just let go,,,im trying but i ve relapsed too many times,,,im devestated


It's never too late to get off and stay off teh wagon. 



Cat3CatGirl said:


> Unless a miracle happens between now and tonight (in that he FINALLY decides to REALLY commit), *I am going to tell him to leave until he can truely commit to reconsiling or divorcing*.


Wishing you strength. And you should have told him this before you allowed him back home. It's crunch time. He's sitting on the fence. So move the fence for him and tell what YOU will and won't tolerate. 

Remember, he can't take you for a roller coaster ride unless you allow it.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

My fWW read this (file was on my computer desktop) and 
I could see the blood drain from her face with concern.

That's right.


----------



## Jellybeans

Boo ya!


----------



## Cat3CatGirl

morituri said:


> If anybody is interested, the origin of just let them can be found in *"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... *


I read this and Rob X's reply on page 1 (about #3 or #4 down) really got me to thinking that my situation is just weird. My DH is insecure, at least I think so, but he's the one who had the affair. I believe he's a bit needy and clingy too and that is why he's having such a hard time deciding between R and D. He doesn't have a strong sense of self. Neither do I, but I feel like I have grown tremendously in that respect over the past 1 to 1.5 years, especially the past 7 months. I've learned what is important to me (primarily family). And I've learned that I need a man who REALLY wants to be a family guy. It seems like family is near the bottom of my husband's important things. And it may only be there because he feels like society thinks it should be there. ???


----------



## havana20

its good advice but my heart wants to just hold on


----------



## Just Tired Of It All

Ironically, this is the one thing I so despretly did not want to do. Now this is the only thing I want to do!! 

I guess this would had been the smarter move to make at the start of this whole mess. Me trying to hold on to my WH, well it just keeped his big man image up. He knew I wanted to save our marriage, family, future. He was well aware of the fact that I kept being his door mate, his back-up plan. So why bother to give up his AP. They just went futher under ground every time I caught it. 

Oh the lies would start, the cover up the gas-lighting, rug-sweeping. Me trying so despretaly to end the affair. Stop all contact. Try so hard to win him back from the dark side.

Well I got him "back" but its not the same. He isnt the same, I am not the same or family is not the same. And all of the above I metioned is the reason why. He is the one in controll. When it should had been me. So now our "R" is suffering for it. I went about it all wrong, So he thinks he has the upper hand and doesnt have to try very hard.

But the out come to all of it is. I actually have changed. I want to let him go. And made some big steps to make this a reality.. I am shutting down from him. Its not on purpose, it is just naturally occuing because of the attitude and actions from him. Again my fault for not taking the steps that should had been taking..

Now that I am withdrawling emotionally, mentally, physically I am getting glimpses of him realizing this. But to be honest I dont care now.. Thats how withdrawn I am now. 

I am still in the process of trying to become more independent. But he is already showing signs of (OH CRAP MOMENTS) where his worst nightmare may be coming to a reality. No more wife who tryies to hard, or cares to much, or wants to talk about "it".. 

So yep the just let them go is a good point. It does seem to make a diffrence. Is it to late for us. who's to say what the future will hold, as of now for me..at this moment yep I think so..

But to see his mind whirling with the wth is she up to? Oh crap im loosing my control over her moments is kinda weird, sad, funny, depressing, and flattering at the same time. 

If only it would had been along time ago... Now well to little to late as of now.. Sorry chance came chance went and he watched it zoom right past his big over inflated head!! Let just see how much it takes to deflate that sucker..


----------



## Just Tired Of It All

<BUMP> Hopeful the newbies will find this thread. It is the key to saving the marriage, with a postive outcome for both. Not a one sided door-mate deal the BS may end up in!!! SO BUMP BUMP BUMP!!!


----------



## frank29

I am going to try this one brilliant


----------



## sadsoul101

Love it


morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


----------



## daisygirl 41

I received a lot of amazing advice last year and this when I was going through the hell of infidelity. 
Letting go is the hardest most painful thing to do. It took me nearly a year to do it. Boy do I wish I'd had the strength to do it earlier. 
As soon as I started letting go and following the advice on this thread my life changed. 
I stopped crying, I began to start living again, I prioritised my emotional energy on me and my kids. I told my WH that I was letting him go. I'd had enough of the drama. Didn't want any part of it any more. I realised I couldn't control his actions and concentrated on myself. After 10 months of crying, letting go was the best thing I did. It empowered me and gave me the strength to start picking myself up and start moving on.

As it happens 3 weeks of me 'letting go' was enough to jolt my H out of a deep A fog and we have been in R since April. However, I didn't do it for that reason, I did it to save my own sanity and to regain some self respect.

DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41

Just Tired Of It All said:


> <BUMP> Hopeful the newbies will find this thread. It is the key to saving the marriage, with a postive outcome for both. Not a one sided door-mate deal the BS may end up in!!! SO BUMP BUMP BUMP!!!


Totally agree
Bump
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jdlash

This is so good that I'm throwin in a bump as well!


----------



## Almostrecovered

Where has Mori been anyways?


----------



## Jonesey

Almostrecovered said:


> Where has Mori been anyways?


Been wondering that my self..Any one that knows?


----------



## Jasel

bump. Hope that's okay.


----------



## Malcolm38

Pure 100% truth in this thread.


----------



## the guy

Some threads just stand the test of time, don't they?


----------



## Jasel

This really SHOULD be stickied in this section. If anything I think BS should be encouraged to read this thread first, especially newbies.


----------



## Bee2012

Love this thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NotDoneYet

If you want them back...I understand saying you're no longer an option as a strategy, making yourself appear confident. BUT, what do you do if they come back? How do you go from firmly claiming you're out of the running to taking them back without appearing disingenuous? Won't you go from looking strong and attractive to looking like a pushover?


----------



## Bee2012

Bump
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mpala26

I love this ..
I left my husband and made a firm decision when leaving him. He claimed he loved her and claimed he brought her peace of mind.. the other woman was his coworker.. As soon as she started working there the started the affair. I found out when looking at his phone and seeing his history....I decided to gather all my proove. In the beginning he denied it but when I showed it to him he couldnt lie any more. 
He mentioned being unhappy with me and us having "issues". i said really I thought we were happy.. I said well tell me about our issues. He told he I didn thave time to listen, and she did, he said he couldnt trust me... but she he can trust her. 
With all of this, I told him ok. Well you have 10 minutes to pick up your stuff and leave me with my kids. I don't want to make this longer and be more hurtful, if she is your happiness I am letting you be happy... and that's how much I love you.
I love you and wish you the best with her.

Three months later, he asked me to speak to me when he realized I had no interest in him went back to school to get my Masters and had a social life again. he told me that he realized that while not being with me and being with her it never made him happy.. I asked why? It didnt make him happy because he was constantly reminded by her the reason why it didnt work out between us was her. He told me he cut all ties with her and the only thing they have in common is work. 
No ofcourse I didnt take him back; he wants to work things out with me and asked me to give him a chance to prove to me that he wants his family back. I want my family back but coming back wont be that easy. He broke a trust and although I am happy now I was hurt and I am still healing from his betrayal. He cheated on me for one year with her even while I was pregnant not caring about my health or our son. 
In the end a wife always wins, A mistres is a mistress and that will never change regardless of it only being her. 
My husband and I are now trying to work things out,we are a work in progress... its hard but if he is resentful why not?


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## staystrong

You're a bad azz.

Nice example of this in action.


----------



## Kaya62003

Mpala26 said:


> I love this ..
> I left my husband and made a firm decision when leaving him.  He claimed he loved her and claimed he brought her peace of mind.. the other woman was his coworker.. As soon as she started working there the started the affair. I found out when looking at his phone and seeing his history....I decided to gather all my proove. In the beginning he denied it but when I showed it to him he couldnt lie any more.
> He mentioned being unhappy with me and us having "issues". i said really I thought we were happy.. I said well tell me about our issues. He told he I didn thave time to listen, and she did, he said he couldnt trust me... but she he can trust her.
> With all of this, I told him ok. Well you have 10 minutes to pick up your stuff and leave me with my kids. I don't want to make this longer and be more hurtful, if she is your happiness I am letting you be happy... and that's how much I love you.
> I love you and wish you the best with her.
> 
> Three months later, he asked me to speak to me when he realized I had no interest in him went back to school to get my Masters and had a social life again. he told me that he realized that while not being with me and being with her it never made him happy.. I asked why? It didnt make him happy because he was constantly reminded by her the reason why it didnt work out between us was her. He told me he cut all ties with her and the only thing they have in common is work.
> No ofcourse I didnt take him back; he wants to work things out with me and asked me to give him a chance to prove to me that he wants his family back. I want my family back but coming back wont be that easy. He broke a trust and although I am happy now I was hurt and I am still healing from his betrayal. He cheated on me for one year with her even while I was pregnant not caring about my health or our son.
> In the end a wife always wins, A mistres is a mistress and that will never change regardless of it only being her.
> My husband and I are now trying to work things out,we are a work in progress... its hard but if he is resentful why not?


I am curious did the OW stay out of the picture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman

How did I miss this thread! Truer words were never spoken. Not one of these cheaters is worth crying over anyway.


----------



## Kaya62003

The Middleman said:


> How did I miss this thread! Truer words were never spoken. Not one of these cheaters is worth crying over anyway.


Yeah it's a good one for sure! I found it in December.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jntrs

Thanks i needed this, im letting go no matter the outcome


Lets bump this bad boy once again


----------



## wondering12

morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


Love it!

The problem... You know they are involved in an EA affair but they repeatedly deny it.


----------



## CanadianGuy

This has been very helpful. It has put a different perspective on my separation.


----------



## Jntrs

this does help, problem with this though its too late... at least in my situation...


----------



## Hartbrok

Too late for me too, but incredibly helpful nonetheless.


----------



## pirouline

morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


Thank you. </3


----------



## zildjian_4

NotDoneYet said:


> If you want them back...I understand saying you're no longer an option as a strategy, making yourself appear confident. BUT, what do you do if they come back? How do you go from firmly claiming you're out of the running to taking them back without appearing disingenuous? Won't you go from looking strong and attractive to looking like a pushover?



I would also like to know the answer to this..


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## Lon

*Re: Re: Just Let Them Go*



zildjian_4 said:


> I would also like to know the answer to this..


The answer is you don't just want them around, you want them to actually put faith in the relationship. The point of hardening yourself is to be able to differentiate between rug sweeping and remorsefulness in the heat of the moment when that option may come to you.


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## zildjian_4

Lon said:


> The answer is you don't just want them around, you want them to actually put faith in the relationship. The point of hardening yourself is to be able to differentiate between rug sweeping and remorsefulness in the heat of the moment when that option may come to you.


Ok, I understand that, but.. if I have distanced myself and focused on myself and hardened up, and they come back, how could I say "yes Ill take you back (followed by someserious rules)" without seeming weak or desperate like before?


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## Lon

*Re: Re: Just Let Them Go*



zildjian_4 said:


> Ok, I understand that, but.. if I have distanced myself and focused on myself and hardened up, and they come back, how could I say "yes Ill take you back (followed by someserious rules)" without seeming weak or desperate like before?


You want to know how to have conviction? Then it has to be about what you want and what you need to make it work, and knowing what you are and are not willing to compromise on. This requires brutal honesty by both of you, and if one or the other isn't capable of being brutally honest then you aren't ready for reconciliation.

So what do you want and what are you being asked to give?


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## Butterfly1014

Really like this thread, really good read!


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## thatbpguy

I prefer, "Get the hell out".


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## Chuck71

time to bump this masterpiece

A MUST READ for new members


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## RV9

Chuck71 said:


> time to bump this masterpiece
> 
> A MUST READ for new members


A must read for every member. If the mods could make it a sticky.


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## ne9907

Chuck71 said:


> time to bump this masterpiece
> 
> A MUST READ for new members


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## nightmare01

> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."


I did this at about the 5 year mark after Dday.

I don't think WW was in touch with her LTA OM at that time, but I found evidence that she thought she could be happier with him than me.

The night after I found that evidence I told WW pretty much exactly what's quoted above. Told her I'd help her pack, that I'd give her an amicable divorce, and that she should go and be with OM if that is what it took to make her happy.

Wow. What a turn about came after that conversation! Things have gotten steadily better between us in the years since.


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## Chuck71

My DDay was two years ago. She wanted to stay married but do our own thing.

I told her it's best we work on the M. She refused. I dropped a D right then.

God it hurt....but I never let her know it. Near the 60 day wait was up,

she reached out. I had already went down the rabbit hole. She has tried

several times since but....I had moved on. Was dating someone new.


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## Kevinb

Thanks. I'm implementing this now. We split at the start of the year and she has bought a home about 40 km away and lives there with the kids. As much as I love her and miss my family, I now have to get strong, detach and get my life back on track


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## loveSprite

Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. I plan on reading this 2x a day, every day and night to help me heal. <3


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## ing

It is quiet a few years since this was first posted and it meant an awful lot to me then The feelings of those on the thread at the time aligned ,for just a few hours we were empowered. I can't tell you how good that felt. Since then there have been some awful times and many tears of course.
My children grew up faster than they should have. I suffered pain for myself and them that I would not care to repeat. 
All this time my mantra 
"Let go! Just let her go..."

After a quater of a century with the same person this is not easy to do and challenges every idea of love and trust you ever had. 
It is tempting to be revisionist and say that is was always bad. It is tempting to land all the failures and all the losses at their feet.

This is not letting go. This leads to an entrenched bitterness that eats you up. There are so many who live with that for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say that I am no longer bitter or angry but the disrespect shown to my kids future still burns. It is okay to be angry for the kids. 
I have talked to people who 25 years later after the event who remain furious. It doesn't affect them in daily life and perhaps we would not be human if we could forgive everything

Let them go and move on. You can never have that person you loved and trusted back. They are gone. Perhaps in the future you can love and trust them again. In most cases this does not happen, not because they don't come back but because they are no longer wanted. 
Trust your screaming gut wrenching pain and let them go. 

"The greater the love the greater the pain in it's loss"


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## Kevinb

Beautifully said ing


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## Deejo

Bumping for rediscovery of a very good thing.

Read the whole thread. Hope Morituri is well. Was sad to see the link to Bad Medicines post. Was a medic, killed in action in Afghanistan. Loved his wife, and was concerned about his marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia

Deejo said:


> Read the whole thread. Hope Morituri is well. Was sad to see the link to Bad Medicines post. Was a medic, killed in action in Afghanistan. Loved his wife, and was concerned about his marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


RIP.


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## morituri

Bumping to help the new arrivals of TAM CWI forum.


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## arbitrator

morituri said:


> Bumping to help the new arrivals of TAM CWI forum.


* You're a good man, Mori!*


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## Nomorebeans

This one is even better than The 180. And The 180 has helped me a lot. But this one helped me more, and continues to, because I've come to realize my marriage was already gone a long time before he started his latest affair. I use elements from both every day to help me get through.

STBX's current OW is his Exit Affair. He's with her right now in his new place, while we're still technically married. He just moved out two weeks ago.

I regret every time I've shown him how much his choices have devastated me. But I don't regret telling him last night that I have no ill will towards him, and hope he will be happy.

The trouble is, you have to truly believe these words (or be an Academy Award Winning-caliber actor) to sell the point. Good thing I can act. I'm not quite truly there yet, but I look forward to that day and can see it coming.


----------



## staystrong

ing said:


> It is quiet a few years since this was first posted and it meant an awful lot to me then The feelings of those on the thread at the time aligned ,for just a few hours we were empowered. I can't tell you how good that felt. Since then there have been some awful times and many tears of course.
> My children grew up faster than they should have. I suffered pain for myself and them that I would not care to repeat.
> All this time my mantra
> "Let go! Just let her go..."
> 
> After a quater of a century with the same person this is not easy to do and challenges every idea of love and trust you ever had.
> It is tempting to be revisionist and say that is was always bad. It is tempting to land all the failures and all the losses at their feet.
> 
> This is not letting go. This leads to an entrenched bitterness that eats you up. There are so many who live with that for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say that I am no longer bitter or angry but the disrespect shown to my kids future still burns. It is okay to be angry for the kids.
> I have talked to people who 25 years later after the event who remain furious. It doesn't affect them in daily life and perhaps we would not be human if we could forgive everything
> 
> Let them go and move on. You can never have that person you loved and trusted back. They are gone. Perhaps in the future you can love and trust them again. In most cases this does not happen, not because they don't come back but because they are no longer wanted.
> Trust your screaming gut wrenching pain and let them go.
> 
> "The greater the love the greater the pain in it's loss"


If only letting go was something you only had to do once. And you're letting go of so many things beyond the person. You're letting of a part of yourself as well if they had become a part of you. We can't save people from being foolish and selfish and evil, yet at the same time we loved and cherished them. They are no longer the same person ... it's hard to fathom yet it's true. Did they change of their own accord, undue influence or both? Perhaps those who remain furious are those who loved so much and for that reason had trouble letting go or were dealing with a remorseless cheater. I don't blame them for their anger and it saddened me how I could not release my own at times for the benefit of my own well-being. Having children with a cheater is the worst of all. IMO, a cheating spouse is not worthy of the title mother or father, and I don't care what anyone says about that.


----------



## backcountry

This is all so hard to read but I'm in the middle of a limbo situation and need to hear it.


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## Chuck71

backcountry said:


> This is all so hard to read but I'm in the middle of a limbo situation and need to hear it.


Start your own thread in Going Through Divorce.... you will get a lot of advice


----------



## Dogbert

This is good stuff. A must read for every BS.


----------



## bigcityman75

Having one of those days where i think about all the disrespect i endured these last few months while i was with her. I should have left her in February instead i stayed and endured hell in my house. I know i will let her go" hell irs not even the love im having trouble with anymore. Seems like everyday some little thing adds up. Like yesterday i realized she was having unprotected sex with her AP. She started to douche, had some vagisil body wash. And at the end she wouldn't have sex with me . Its just makes my head hurt thinking about the lack of respect she had for me to put my life at risk. After 20 years and it prolly took months for her to allow her AP to do this. "Lettin her go" i want this so much. But will this resentment ever leave when i see her with her new dude when our divorce is final how will i reacted? When my daughter realizes that her mom is allowing another man to sleep at her house and she tells me? Seems like i will have to relive "Letting her go" over and over again. And forgiveness is a whole other thread.


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## South Stand

Great post. Very meaningful....


----------



## morituri

South Stand said:


> Great post. Very meaningful....


----------



## alte Dame

This is such an important and valuable post. I have a wonderful friend who is right now in the shock phase of discovering her H's infidelity. I wish she could embrace 'Just let them go,' but her heart simply isn't ready. When she gets there, I will send her this link. It will be one of the best things I can do for her as her friend.


----------



## breezycello

I just read through this whole thread. Wow, so much emotion over the past years from so many here.

It is good to follow those who have been through the trenches and can show us newbies that WE will be ok!!!! 

Thank you for directing me here, No More Beans!! This is a wonderful thread for all of us! And the funny stuff was awesome!!! Made me giggle!

The very first post is as good, or better than the 180. I will keep both of them with me and on my tack board at my desk. Good reminders to value ourselves above all, as we can't take care of anyone without our own oxygen mask. I know there will be many hard days, but I do want the happy days. Can't do that as long as I am waiting in limbo for him to think I am valuable. I am going to make that value for myself in myself...


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## bigcityman75

Bump


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## bandit.45

Bump that mutha!


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## BetrayedDad

It's tragic this is STILL NOT a sticky. I'm about to start a petition.

I mean really mods, if this isn't worthy than nothing is.


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## bandit.45

Bump! For educational purposes. Dis is good chit.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

very good indeed, but unlikely practical i think, at least for a first time BS whom didnt see it coming and is genuinely in love w their spouse and just got completely side blinded by a betrayal on a long term marriage....
BSs cannot just turn off feelings like a switch, the run thru all kinds of rollercoaster emotions and trauma and much of it is just simple brain chemical balance and wiring which we have developed over centuries.
I praise whomever can act like this, is really a fool proof way to maintain your self respect and detach....but in reality it might be a lot more unrealistic to achieve


----------



## Chuck71

CantBelieveThis said:


> very good indeed, but unlikely practical i think, at least for a first time BS whom didnt see it coming and is genuinely in love w their spouse and just got completely side blinded by a betrayal on a long term marriage....
> BSs cannot just turn off feelings like a switch, the run thru all kinds of rollercoaster emotions and trauma and much of it is just simple brain chemical balance and wiring which we have developed over centuries.
> I praise whomever can act like this, is really a fool proof way to maintain your self respect and detach....but in reality it might be a lot more unrealistic to achieve


This is simply a road-map, not a step by step directional. No one follows the OP to a tee.

But it leads one to the direction they need to be in


----------



## personofinterest

Or....or.......bear with me now

We could just be OK with the fact that other people might choose differently than we do and their choices are valid.


----------



## Cynthia

.


----------



## bandit.45

Person of Interest stole my avatar.


----------



## bandit.45

Bump


----------



## monserrat67

morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


So true, I love it!!


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## monserrat67

LonelyNLost said:


> Haha, yeah I think this applies even after you have done all the "wrong" things. I've been on every end of the spectrum in this, especially since he's cheated before. Last time he did the right thing and ended it. This time, he gaslighted me and dragged me through broken glass telling me she was just a friend and I was paranoid and she lives 2500 miles away. Well...guess what? He is an hour away screwing her as we speak. She even brought her 11 year old son to town for the fun. Sickening. I can't be a part of that.
> 
> It took me too long to embrace the essence of this message. I could have heard it in the beginning, but it's too hard to accept. It takes time to get to that place where all these ring true. I am there now. And I am done. I don't want him back, because chances are he'll just do it again. So I'll let him do it to her. That's justice. Or maybe she'll do it to him. That would be even better. He still won't admit the truth, so I'm letting go because he doesn't deserve me. I'm above this. My children deserve better and one day they'll know the truth. I don't care if she was his high school sweetheart, it is all a fantasy. And he chose that over me. So, have a nice life, @sshole. Don't come crying to me when you realize the mistake you've made!


Amen!! You do deserve better.


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## monserrat67

morituri said:


> Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):
> 
> "_*Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing*. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
> 
> You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.
> 
> *Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse*. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
> 
> *1) Act Happy.* Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)
> 
> *2) Get a life*. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).
> 
> *3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT!* This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
> 
> *4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point.* Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
> anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”
> 
> *6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.*Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
> opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
> 
> *7) Get sexy – in a healthy way*. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."_


This is awesome, thank you for sharing!!


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## Chuck71

This thread should NEVER be closed....


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## Chuck71

Bump....... as to benefit of a newby. Search last posted mods, you'll see.


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## ArthurGPym

Bump


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## MattMatt

A very, very helpful thread.


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## ArthurGPym

MattMatt said:


> A very, very helpful thread.



It put a great many things in perspective for me


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## Gabriel

Morituri is a legend. Last seen in 2016 on here, helped me a lot back in the day. Hope he's well.


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