# Divorce Observation #2 - Anger and Money



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

_Sorry, I am not in a great place right now. Things come up in my mind and I gotta ramble..._

Nine years ago October 21, on a bright, sunny, but cool and breezy afternoon I answered the question to the then love of my life: "I do". I thought, as most couples do, that this would last for ever. I remember her hair, and how her strapless, lace dress shaped itself around her goddesslike body. All day, I could not stop looking at her. When she was walking down the aisle and I could see hints of her rosy, tear stained cheeks under her vail, walking out of the church, stopping at he hotel room for a break from the madness, at the reception talking to friends, watching her dancing like she never had before, or has since. It was a wonderful day for everyone, especially she and I. 

Somehow along the way we lost that spark. We lost the meaning of those vows we timidly spoke in front of God, family, and friends. It may have been from being separated from her family for the first time. From both of us being rather independent people. From my work schedule, being demanding, with unplanned overtime, travel, weekends and offshifts. Maybe from having kids. Or from not planning enough "us time", to talk and share, to open up about what is going on in our heads and hearts. Most likely, from all of these things and more, balled up into one nine year old monster that manifested itself in being fed up with frustrations, releasing itself as a new man in her life. One that she has held up in her mind as a perfect individual. Maybe he is, maybe not. Time will tell on that one. But he is not what this is about. This is about how what we shared nine years ago has come crashing down into two issues: anger and money.

No matter how much you want to avoid it, everything I have read, everyone I have talked to say the same thing: You will hate each other and the only thing you talk about is money. Right now, we are the illustrations in that textbook. It is hard to be in the same room with the person I commited my life to nine years ago. It could be from either of us, she angry at me, or me angry at her. Sometimes little things, like when, on the line for the grill W got from her dad after he passed away, I mistakenly copied the words "with house" in the household goods spreadsheet we are making. Sometimes it is big things, like what to call this "friendship" of hers and how that term affects her social and church life.

A constant "discussion" we have is whether or not I am tracking her every move with the other person to prove this is an affair so I can "screw her over" as this proceeds. the answer to that is NO. I am not a private investigator, nor do I really have the time and money to pay for one. Plus, I'm tired of all the lies and stress, I just want to get this done. Regardless of what I think of this relationship she is having, we live in a no fault state. Hence, it doesn't really matter, unless the judge has a major issue with what is happening. Legally, what she does has no bearing on the outcome. How I term it and how this affects things between she an I, well that is another matter. I still refer to this as an affair, and she gets upset at that. It is what it is. She doesn't like the label. It has negative connotations. It makes her out to be a bad person. It sets her sideways with our church. Well, you should of thought about that when you said "yes" to him asking you out. This is the risk you have accepted in playing this game. That said, yes we did have issues previously and this affair, or relationship, or friendship, whatever, served merely as the trigger to start this process. I do understand this. However, that does not make it right.

In the end, I can't ethically withold support from her, as that will only serve to hurt the children in this process. In my quick analysis, essentially we will both have just enough to be broke at the end of the month. One of us will at least be in the house, probably until it can be sold when the market returns. We will divide everything else between hers and mine, and, since I will be traveling for my job, she will get the kids, and the majority of my paycheck. 

Anger and money... What everyone is saying is true. Its quite a far cry from "As long as you both shall live".


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

It's upsetting that your stbx's major concern is "are you going to screw me". So sad 2kids, I'm sorry. We need a hug smiley on here!

Great piece of writing you've got up...:smthumbup:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1,

I am hearing your sadness and disappointment. I know this is not what you expected on your wedding day.

I feel that I've taken many things for granted in our marriage. If my marriage is ever restored, I will never do that again. 

This crisis has drawn me closer to God. That is my blessing. I have my first meeting after our separation for almost 8 weeks-next week. I am afraid that he is going to want a divorce. 

There is nothing I can do now. I've tried everything.

We can't make our spouses want to stay with us...if they did they'd make our lives miserable as has been proven recently.

It is like a death.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Corpuswife: Good comment on it being like a death. Thats a good analogy - you can't get it back, and yet you miss it fully. Honestly, I feel like its over. I accept that. I'm ok with that, but that does not make it hurt less. We have both made many mistakes over the past 9 years. My task is to look back, to learn from those and to not do them again.

I think the anniversary day will be a sad one for many years to come. Not necessarily for what it was or that it ended, but what it could have been. For things never done or said. For something that could have been much better, but wasn't.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Minor development - turns out OM has some debt issues, mostly relating to his marriage and divorce to his wife. So now W is trying to put that on me, as if its my issue to make up the difference. Um, no. When you took this on, that was part of the package. I mentioned a month ago, that this will end up destroying things financially, pretty much for everybody. At least for the short term. No, I will not withhold anything, which is her worry, as that will only serve to hurt the kids in the end. It will however be a MAJOR lifestyle change for all involved.

As she was discussing this, she asked if I thought it would be better if she stayed here, so that the kids would have a stable home. My answer: no. The damage between us is done. I don't want to live my life with just a house-mate. I don't think that would be better for the kids. It definitely won't be better for us.

Another item came up, and that is that it is hard to find a job. She thinks I have no idea how much stress she is having finding a job. No secret - MI economy stinks! Leading the nation in jobless, unfavorable tax climate, home foreclosures high... Yeah, she will have a tough time. Not only that, but it will not pay much, as there is such a glut of applicants for administrative positions. Yes, I do understand the stress of finding a job. 

Reality is starting to sink in.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

My goodness, do I HEAR your everyword! in my situation my h has been gone 4 weeks....he is very depressed and is not capable of making good decisions. he has a one track mind and that is that he is unhappy...he cant handle this anymore! i am giving him his space. hopefully he will see that it has been MONEY and COMMUNICATION all along, not me or the marriage. he needs to understand responsibility and stand up to it not run away from it...i am soo tired of excuses i could scream.
I have truly decided i DO want this to work out for our family...ALL of us. I cant make him come back and i realize that however i do have the option to not let him walk in and out like everything is peachy! he tells me he is hurting...then he needs to do something, I cant make him. i want him to wake up and realize that if this does turn to divorce, like you said, we will both be broke, our kids are gonna suffer and what really hits me is unless we both were to find someone who was really set financially how would life be any better? i pray that he will start to see that these issues would be so much easier to work out, so all will benefit, not suffer. aarrrggggg. sorry didnt mean to rant but i guess i did! frustration level is very high today!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Rant away. That is a great thing here, we all understand the issues and helping others is theraputic to us. 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It is tough to be apart. We have been apart for years, but still living in the same house! I know what isolation is like. NOT GOOD! If you want to work on this, does he know this? Has he said anyting about working on things? You say he can't handle this anymore - I assume the separation issues? 

Yes, divorce is not pretty. we are only a month into the process, although it has been brewing for many years. We have months yet to go, as MI laws say with minor children, there is a 6 month waiting period. I already see the unplesantries and oftentimes wish I could come back to an empty house, rather than an agressive, angry house. I would miss the kids somthing fierce, as they are my life. But other issues are getting extremely rough. 

I wish yo the best. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are all so right -
because marriages are not ony about love they are about all the practicalities in life - and it seems so common (it is definitely in my case) that the one leaving for 'love' is short on thinking through the consequences 
it feels like working out the hardest problem anyone will ever give you and being told you have to do it quickly while you feel really sick - and also being told if you don't get it right you'll live with the consequences forever....


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