# Friends with the ex?



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Is anyone here friends with their ex? Or is your spouse still friends with theirs? Did it happen after a significant time apart after their divorce/separation? Was it only because of children?

I am still friends with my ex because we share a young child and it makes life easier to get along. My BF's ex has been messaging him this week (divorced in May) and he has said he would like to be friends with her (no kids) but she has always wanted to get back together with him so it makes me very uncomfortable. If she had a serious bf, I think I would be more okay with it but not as it is. 

We live together, been together 1.5years. She knows about me.

Thoughts? How to discuss boundaries?!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a difference between being friendly, and being friends.

If being friends means get-togethers, hanging out and lengthy phone conversations, then that's troubling.

My ex and I have a very good relationship. We are friendly. She lives with her partner. Occasionally we may meet for kids team meetings, or discuss child related issues.

There is no 'weird'.

That said, I am friends with an ex that I was engaged to, two decades ago. We talk maybe once a month. See one another 2 to 3 times a year. No desire or potential for a relationship, but we care about one another.

Boundaries are important. Make sure yours are clear with regard to his behavior.

If he knows she is still hurting from the breakup, then he isn't doing her any favors by trying to be her friend.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'd be questioning his motives in wanting to maintain a friendship with someone who wanted to be more than friends. If he didn't know she would jump back into a relationship if she could, then you could put it down to just wanting to keep a friendship, but if he is aware, then it's more like he's trying to keep his options open by stringing her along. If she doesn't have the sense to just let go, he shouldn't encourage her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's a big difference between having a cordial, amicable, co-parenting relationship with your ex and being friends. How friendly are you and your ex?

If you don't want your fiancé being friends with his ex, it's not reasonable to expect him to be ok with you being friends with yours.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband and I - divorced not quite one year - I are friendly and amicable. We will usually sit together when we attend our son's events and sometimes take him out for a meal together to celebrate some accomplishment. We often find ourselves at the same social events, where we are - again - friendly and polite. But, we don't spend one-on-one time together, don't talk on the phone unless it's about our son, and don't interact in any way as if we are a couple. We are not _friends_. 

I don't think it's at all appropriate to try to be good friends with an ex, certainly not with a recent ex, and particularly not with and ex who still hopes for more. That seems a fairly quick way to end up in a situation that's bad for all concerned.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well...

If you are friends with your ex then surely he can be friends with his?

Thing is, she has expressed a desire to get back together--was that recently? If so, definitely discuss boundaries/how you feel. If not recent, then yes a double standard.

I am friends with my ex. Probably moreso than most ex spouses.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

As I mentioned in another thread I am still friends with an ex-gf. We dated for a few years before I met my now wife. We don't see each other, hardly at all. But we communicate via text or facebook. As I consider her a close friend I would do anything to help her in any way I could. That being said, it has never been an issue but it's something we both know to be true. 

My wife knows her. They are FB friends as well. My son was the ring bearer in her wedding years ago. And, it was a dating relationship, so no kids involved.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with Deejo. I am friendly with my x for the sake of our kids. We are not friends. My friends have class and values which she has none of.

In so far as having ex as a friend, in my opinion, that will never end well and should be avoided. Once you have had the "I love you phase" you can't go back to just friends, the other person just knows too much. When a new relationship forms your friendship will become an issue. Of my two hard and fast rules about dating this is number two.....no dating women who are friends with an ex boyfriend, husband, fiancée


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree with Deejo. I am friendly with my x for the sake of our kids. We are not friends. My friends have class and values which she has none of.
> 
> In so far as having ex as a friend, in my opinion, that will never end well and should be avoided. Once you have had the "I love you phase" you can't go back to just friends, the other person just knows too much. When a new relationship forms your friendship will become an issue. Of my two hard and fast rules about dating this is number two.....no dating women who are friends with an ex boyfriend, husband, fiancée


I like your rule about exes.

I am curious, what is the first rule??!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

There is only one exception to being friendLY with your ex and children is that one exception. And friendly means CHILD related contact ONLY (nothing less/nothing more)

No children involved, absolutely no contact with Ex. Why would there be?

It's disrespectful and inappropriate for current relationship IMO.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I agree that if you have a child or some other shared obligation with an ex, then you be polite and cordial with the ex for the sake of that child or whatever. 

Otherwise, it should be no contact. It took me a while to convince my GF of this but she did and its just easier this way. I'm sure she has no interest in getting back together with him, but I have no idea about him and there's no reason to purposely poke the beast; these people were in love and had sex, so its just respectful to the current relationship to NOT have that in play. 

On my own side I was actually quite mean to my ex (since she cheated on me) but over time have learned to be respectful and polite and if I ever ran into her would be cordial but keep on moving...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I remember I had this fantasy about remaining friends with the ex after we divorced. We did for a little while but I think that was more about taking time to disengage from old patterns of intimacy than it was us being destined to be friends. Now I really have no interest at all in being involved in her life. If it wasn't for the kids I would never speak to her again.

I know of people that have their exes over for Christmas dinner and the like (along with new significant others). That amazes me. I guess I'm just not mature enough to handle something like that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> Is anyone here friends with their ex? Or is your spouse still friends with theirs? Did it happen after a significant time apart after their divorce/separation? Was it only because of children?
> 
> I am still friends with my ex because we share a young child and it makes life easier to get along. My BF's ex has been messaging him this week (divorced in May) and he has said he would like to be friends with her (no kids) but she has always wanted to get back together with him so it makes me very uncomfortable. If she had a serious bf, I think I would be more okay with it but she is still struggling with losing him and being alone.
> 
> ...


He needs to cut her out completely. There are no kids in this, and her still having feelings makes this a big fat NO. There is no need for any communication with her any more.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

DoF said:


> There is only one exception to being friendLY with your ex and children is that one exception. And friendly means CHILD related contact ONLY (nothing less/nothing more)
> 
> No children involved, absolutely no contact with Ex. Why would there be?
> 
> It's disrespectful and inappropriate for current relationship IMO.


I have a friend who used to ask me, 'why do you stay friends with your ex's?'. My answer was simply, 'because they're nice people, otherwise I wouldn't have gone out with them in the first place'. Now, obviously that does not apply to every ex in my past, but the principle still applies. Just because we may have found out over time that we weren't good together does not change the fact that they were a nice and decent person. I've never (to my knowledge) been cheated on. I did date someone who I found out had serious lying issues. Obviously, she is NOT someone I've maintained contact with. But there are 2 or 3 that I have kept in some kind of contact with. Casually. Nothing of a racy or torrid nature. 

As far as disrespectful, yeah, it definitely could be, depending on how that contact manifested itself. If I chat with the one woman I referred to in my earlier post on facebook my wife can read the conversation, if she chooses. She knows my password. My cell phone is not locked. Hell, sometimes it seems they have more contact than she and I do. 

Inevitably, someone will raise the question, 'what if it was the other way around?'. Due to my RJ issues it would be a real problem. But, the ex and I were on 'friend' terms before my wife an I met. If my wife brought it up now, 20+ years down the line, it probably wouldn't fly. I'm just glad she's a better person than I am in that regard.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Very easy.

If children are involved, friends or just being kosher with ex is crucial and "normal". If children are not involved, being friends with ex is often a way to keep one another simmering on a back burner. Just in case. Just in case things go south in current relationship. Just in case there are some feelings left. 

1.5 years into a new relationship is young. I would imagine that holding onto a friendship with an ex from 2 yers ago could cause concern. 

Its not always an issue, but I'm just being real about it (read the stories on here and search for the lovely thread on how the friends with ex messaging goes)


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that time and the reasons for breaking up have a huge role in how appropriate a friendship might be. As luck would have it, my college boyfriend also ended up in the city I live in. And lives about 4 blocks from my current boyfriend. So we end up running into each other every few weeks. Usually out and about so we'll hang together for a set or a couple of beers. 

My college boyfriend and my ex-husband were great friends--they both did jeeps and nature stuff that didn't float my boat and frankly, my ex was happy to have someone to send me off to alumni events with. Apparently it's not so much fun to watch college ball with a lot of Texans if you didn't grow up in that environment (seriously....who calls the fight song a "commotion"??? I should have known we would never last!). 

I think it would be very odd for an ex to be a BFF, but I can honestly say that I don't automatically hate anybody to the point of averting my eyes and never speaking to them again just because our relationship didn't work out. I haven't ever cheated or been cheated on. No one has ever abused me or I them. Our relationships just....ended. Either we graduated and moved on with life or we grew apart and just ran our course. When things end that way, I think there's not a lot of unresolved issues hanging around so casual friendship is a lot easier. Plus since we didn't have drama IN our relationship, I think it's much less likely that we'd create drama OUT of it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Thunder7 said:


> I have a friend who used to ask me, 'why do you stay friends with your ex's?'. My answer was simply, 'because they're nice people, otherwise I wouldn't have gone out with them in the first place'. Now, obviously that does not apply to every ex in my past, but the principle still applies. Just because we may have found out over time that we weren't good together does not change the fact that they were a nice and decent person. I've never (to my knowledge) been cheated on. I did date someone who I found out had serious lying issues. Obviously, she is NOT someone I've maintained contact with. But there are 2 or 3 that I have kept in some kind of contact with. Casually. Nothing of a racy or torrid nature.
> 
> As far as disrespectful, yeah, it definitely could be, depending on how that contact manifested itself. If I chat with the one woman I referred to in my earlier post on facebook my wife can read the conversation, if she chooses. She knows my password. My cell phone is not locked. Hell, sometimes it seems they have more contact than she and I do.
> 
> Inevitably, someone will raise the question, 'what if it was the other way around?'. Due to my RJ issues it would be a real problem. But, the ex and I were on 'friend' terms before my wife an I met. If my wife brought it up now, 20+ years down the line, it probably wouldn't fly. I'm just glad she's a better person than I am in that regard.


So you are saying that you are fine with your wife talking and hanging out with her ex too?

I struggle to understand what it is that you get (in value) by communicating with your ex. And whatever that is, is it really worth the risk/drama it brings to the marriage?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> I think that time and the reasons for breaking up have a huge role in how appropriate a friendship might be. As luck would have it, my college boyfriend also ended up in the city I live in. And lives about 4 blocks from my current boyfriend. So we end up running into each other every few weeks. Usually out and about so we'll hang together for a set or a couple of beers.
> 
> My college boyfriend and my ex-husband were great friends--they both did jeeps and nature stuff that didn't float my boat and frankly, my ex was happy to have someone to send me off to alumni events with. Apparently it's not so much fun to watch college ball with a lot of Texans if you didn't grow up in that environment (seriously....who calls the fight song a "commotion"??? I should have known we would never last!).
> 
> I think it would be very odd for an ex to be a BFF, but I can honestly say that I don't automatically hate anybody to the point of averting my eyes and never speaking to them again just because our relationship didn't work out. I haven't ever cheated or been cheated on. No one has ever abused me or I them. Our relationships just....ended. Either we graduated and moved on with life or we grew apart and just ran our course. When things end that way, I think there's not a lot of unresolved issues hanging around so casual friendship is a lot easier. Plus since we didn't have drama IN our relationship, I think it's much less likely that we'd create drama OUT of it.


What do you think your ex wants out of your "friendship"?

What is the point?

What do you gain from it?

That's what I struggle to understand. He is an ex, person from your past.....what else is there remaining that are you seeking?

I'm sure both parties are friendly, but friends? That sounds like unfinished business to me.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DoF said:


> What do you think your ex wants out of your "friendship"?
> 
> What is the point?
> 
> ...


LOL--I'm guessing that he's pretty stoked to have someone that will hang around to let his dog out when I stop over to borrow tools! I don't know, but I'm guessing he'll be at the same festival we'll be at this weekend, so I should probably ask.

For me, I spend at least 3 days/ 2 nights out of every two weeks in the same neighborhood he lives in. I see him at the grocery, the hardware store, the bars, the restaurants. It would be a million times more awkward to glare silently or avert my eyes because OMG AN EX!!! than it is to hang out and chat a bit. At this point we've known each other for almost 25 years. We both still have family in the craptasticly tiny town that is too small to even qualify as the armpit of the Universe. Would we be friends if we lived different states? Mostly likely not, but since we're in the same town and go to the same alumni activities and shop/eat/drink at the same places, we've stayed in touch.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Anomnom said:


> My BF's ex has been messaging him this week (divorced in May) *and he has said he would like to be friends with her* (no kids)...


Ummm... just NO!

Ex and I are very "friendly" because of our kids, but I would not exactly call us "friends." We certainly don't socialize, but we do call or text about the kids every other week or so. Texts are short and sweet, and on point. Calles are even shorter! :rofl:

No way would I want your BF to become "friends" with his ex-GF who clearly has designs on him. If she really wants him back, this is NOTHING but trouble for you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> LOL--I'm guessing that he's pretty stoked to have someone that will hang around to let his dog out when I stop over to borrow tools! I don't know, but I'm guessing he'll be at the same festival we'll be at this weekend, so I should probably ask.
> 
> For me, I spend at least 3 days/ 2 nights out of every two weeks in the same neighborhood he lives in. I see him at the grocery, the hardware store, the bars, the restaurants. It would be a million times more awkward to glare silently or avert my eyes because OMG AN EX!!! than it is to hang out and chat a bit. At this point we've known each other for almost 25 years. We both still have family in the craptasticly tiny town that is too small to even qualify as the armpit of the Universe. Would we be friends if we lived different states? Mostly likely not, but since we're in the same town and go to the same alumni activities and shop/eat/drink at the same places, we've stayed in touch.


You didn't answer any of my questions.

Besides, it is your choice to spend time in area he is in....or go around stores, bars places to eat around that area. Who cares about awkwardness? Who the hell is he to you now? NOBODY/NOTHING.

It's as big of a deal as you make it.

You got him on the back burner, and that can't be health for your current relationship.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

DoF said:


> So you are saying that you are fine with your wife talking and hanging out with her ex too?
> 
> I struggle to understand what it is that you get (in value) by communicating with your ex. And whatever that is, is it really worth the risk/drama it brings to the marriage?


No, that wasn't what I was saying. Actually, kinda the opposite. I would have an issue with it because for the past 20+ years there has been no communication between my wife and any ex's out there. On the contrary, my ex and I were already at the friend stage when my wife and I met. As for risk or drama, there is none. Zero.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

In regards to the OP's situation.

You say you're friends because of children. Does that mean you discuss things that aren't always related to your children?

It's one thing to be amicable co-parents. It's quite another to be personal friends.

If you're personal friends with your ex, it's hypocritical to say your BF can't be friends with his ex. If you're amicable co-parents with your ex and all of your "friendly" communication is about your children, then you can put up that boundary. There's a huge difference.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I like your rule about exes.
> 
> I am curious, what is the first rule??!


Never date anyone who previously cheated. I don't care if it was high school nonsense or not. Never again. 

Everything else I'm willing to listen and try :smthumbup:


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

I agree with D&H. It's a golden rule scenario, if you want to be friends with your ex, I believe he should be able to assume that you wouldn't mind the same.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think opposite sex friendships are possible. But when one wants to have an exclusive relationship with someone else -- including marriage-- then they need to keep that friendship art arms length.

Men and women no longer become interchangeable..... which is what some of us may have thought at university.

My partner can take a trip with a male friend but not with a female friend. I agree with others here that a man and a woman going out alone is date like if nt exactly a date. Someone who cannot control their feelings or who wants to be manipulative will accuse the other of leading him / her on.

If my partner's female friend were an active part of our social circle, I would expect that she would be just as happy if I were to show up alone at a party at her house or happy hour that she organised as much as she would like for us to come as a couple.

I would also be careful about going out as a threesome as well.

I would also like for the communication to be transparent. She contacts me, him, us on a joint e-mail account. If I contact her directly, she returns the message to me and so on. Any kind of upmanship ie, he's my friend, not his wife, for example, I would definitely quietly freeze her out of our lives.

And I offer the same to my partner.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

You're completely right..my ex and I are FRIENDLY not friends, there really is a big difference but I hadn't thought of it like that before. There is no desire on my side to hang out together, talk or do anything together that isn't related to our child so yeah, can't call that friendship. 

I spoke with BF about it last night and said I wasn't comfortable with him staying friends with her at this early stage in our relationship, that maybe later when she is in a serious living together type relationship, then it might be okay, but not in the current situation. He totally understood and suggested emailing her to say he thinks it best they don't talk anymore, so I'm very happy with that response and hopefully he did that today.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

There is a difference between being "friends" and being friendly for the sake of the children. There is never a reason to continuously be antagonistic and unfriendly after a divorce - especially when there are children involved. Whether or not you can maintain a friendship after a divorce, well, that is something that probably would require special circumstances.

The issue you are describing between your boyfriend and his ex would probably be bothersome to me as well. Any committed relationship can only grow in intimacy through open and honest communication and conflict resolution. Have you discussed how the situation makes you feel? Have you both come to an agreement about where your relationship is heading? Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself will not help your relationship in any way. 

Hope this is a help! Blessings.


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