# My husband is chatting with his ex girlfriend who constantly says she loves him and get mad that I’m angry about it. Am I “making a fuzz”?



## Moonlight828 (Jan 10, 2022)

My husband is online chatting with his ex girlfriend who constantly says she loves him and get mad that I’m angry about it. Am I “making a fuzz” here? Please provide your insights.

Waking up on New Year’s Day, I felt uneasy as if I just dreamed for no reason that my husband is making out with another woman, so I checked his cell phone (which I have never done purposely before) and I saw his chat with another woman, who asked him “you there?”. My husband is an engineer, anti-social, we have been married for almost 20 years and he never had a friend who he chats just for greeting (he spent most of his time in front of the computer, researching and trading stocks, any time spent going out with friend/relatives or go out hiking, even dining, will be in his word “wasting of time”) it would be a surprise to me that anyone would say happy new year to him, not alone a woman chat with him in such a casual tone. Most suspiciously is that I saw the chat history in the past two days with 10 or so messages every day but there’s nothing prior to that ( chat history deleted).

He had previous history of chatting online with stranger who has a beautiful girl’s face in the picture until I told him it could be a scam. So I thought he’s doing that again, which I’m very frustrated. so I asked him “Are you chatting online with some woman recently?” he said “no” in a firm tone, then I asked “you sure, should we look at your phone?” and then he started being kind of annoyed and said: “That’s my privacy, why should I show you my phone?” That denial makes it more suspicious.

Eventually I found out this woman is actually someone he dated before we got married. I remembered about seven years ago, I accidentally saw the email she sent to him saying she loves him, she misses him a lot, and my husband also replied “I miss you too”. I got very angry at that time and I asked my husband why a married woman talk to a married man like that? And why did him reply that way? I let it go after he said he will stop talking to her. And now seven years later he’s still chatting with her. That woman is not in the US, so I know he is not cheating physically, except for that he said he missed her, there is nothing he said beyond a normal friend would say on his end. but I still can’t bear the thought that he doesn’t talk to his own wife ( except for what’s for dinner? when to picks up the kids?), but spend his time chatting with that flirty woman so much. He knows how hurtful it is to me last time and he is still doing it, even lied to me for so many years.

I asked him many times why he’s doing that. At first, he either refused to answer or tried to change the topic until I asked him like five times later, he become so annoyed and yelled “I’m not giving her any money, why are you being so dramatic? You always love drama.”

He thinks of me as a dramatic person who loves to make a fuss and he did not do anything wrong, the reason he deleted the chat history is because he doesn’t want me to make a drama out of it.

We could not agree with each other and decide to post it. Please provide your insights, so that we know what the “jury” says. Thank you so much in advance!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

He's gaslighting you and rewriting history to make himself seem less guilty, even to himself. You need to impose some real consequences as to what you will do if he contacts her again. And stick to them. If there are no consequences, he will just dismiss everything you say.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yeah, cheaters and liars favorite strategy is gaslighting and trying to turn the argument into something YOU did wrong. He's still in contact with her because he has an ego he likes to feed, and he may be also sneaking around having sex with her at times. But just having someone always telling you they want you and how great you are seems to be real popular with some guys. I imagine some women too, though my experience, it's been guys. I don't know what to tell you except of course what he's doing is wrong and deceptive and probably cheating.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

See now, I stepped out on my husband over ten years ago. Very briefly, I made the worst decision of my life and he found out. I was wrong, so wrong, I just used his neglect, his alcoholism, ect. to justify what I did but it was nothing but my choice in reality. From there on I made it my mission to be sure I never did that again, wasn't tempted, ect. Even though he made my life hell over the last 12 years for it, I still sucked it up and carried on. 

Well after the affair, we're talking months, he began chatting with ex's through facebook messenger, calling them, talking about me and what I'd done, the whole game to get their sympathy and what not. He's just that hard up for attention ALL THE TIME. Anyhow, this was over ten years ago. I've basically just been living in purgatory trying to make up my mistake in the beginning. Well, last year on his birthday he was asking a girl he went to HS with for pics since it was his birthday, talking about her ass, just definitely crossing a boundary. 

Some will disagree, but I don't think I deserve dealing with the stupidity after as long as it's been. He has everything on silver platter and if I can't satisfy him with all I do, all I've given, all I sacrifice to make things up to him, then that's on him not me. 

My point is, there are boundaries and it sounds like he is crossing one of yours and you're not wrong to be angry.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He is married -- there should be NO ex-GF, ex-wives, ex-ANYTHING. That is VERY disrespectful to YOU.
The fact that he is chatting (cheating...) with other women is NOT good, NOT fair to you, and NO you are not being over-dramatic. This is SERIOUS.
He may not be physically cheating but he IS cheating -- it's called an emotional affair. You know he has lied to you, so his "privacy" goes out the window. HE is at fault, HE needs to make this right, HE needs to be open (and honest, if he can) and stop this ASAP.

He thinks you are too dramatic and HE isn't wrong? He has that COMPLETELY flipped -- he is 100% wrong here.
YOUR feelings should be paramount to him, not some other woman, some ex-gf. It's irrelavant that she is in a different country, it's still an EA.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Moonlight828 said:


> My husband is online chatting with his ex girlfriend who constantly says she loves him and get mad that I’m angry about it. Am I “making a fuzz” here? Please provide your insights.
> 
> Waking up on New Year’s Day, I felt uneasy as if I just dreamed for no reason that my husband is making out with another woman, so I checked his cell phone (which I have never done purposely before) and I saw his chat with another woman, who asked him “you there?”. My husband is an engineer, anti-social, we have been married for almost 20 years and he never had a friend who he chats just for greeting (he spent most of his time in front of the computer, researching and trading stocks, any time spent going out with friend/relatives or go out hiking, even dining, will be in his word “wasting of time”) it would be a surprise to me that anyone would say happy new year to him, not alone a woman chat with him in such a casual tone. Most suspiciously is that I saw the chat history in the past two days with 10 or so messages every day but there’s nothing prior to that ( chat history deleted).
> 
> ...


Do you even have to ask?

No, this isn't to be acceptable in any form.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I posted this on your other post (you should keep it in one place):
He is married -- there should be NO ex-GF, ex-wives, ex-ANYTHING. That is VERY disrespectful to YOU.
The fact that he is chatting (cheating...) with other women is NOT good, NOT fair to you, and NO you are not being over-dramatic. This is SERIOUS.
He may not be physically cheating but he IS cheating -- it's called an emotional affair. You know he has lied to you, so his "privacy" goes out the window. HE is at fault, HE needs to make this right, HE needs to be open (and honest, if he can) and stop this ASAP.

He thinks you are too dramatic and HE isn't wrong? He has that COMPLETELY flipped -- he is 100% wrong here.
YOUR feelings should be paramount to him, not some other woman, some ex-gf. It's irrelavant that she is in a different country, it's still an EA.


ETA: just saw your post where you cheated on him 12 years ago. Look, it sounds like you both rug-swept that affair. You both need to confront that and STOP living with him taking it out on you and you doing the work to get him there. I would suggest marriage counseling.
Him continually taking it out on you is NOT reconciliation -- he clearly hasn't got past it and he needs to work on that. It's not fair to the marriage to continue this way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you’re not. He’s the problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you’re not. He’s the problem.


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## Moonlight828 (Jan 10, 2022)

jlg07 said:


> I posted this on your other post (you should keep it in one place):
> He is married -- there should be NO ex-GF, ex-wives, ex-ANYTHING. That is VERY disrespectful to YOU.
> The fact that he is chatting (cheating...) with other women is NOT good, NOT fair to you, and NO you are not being over-dramatic. This is SERIOUS.
> He may not be physically cheating but he IS cheating -- it's called an emotional affair. You know he has lied to you, so his "privacy" goes out the window. HE is at fault, HE needs to make this right, HE needs to be open (and honest, if he can) and stop this ASAP.
> ...


Hi,
LATERILUS79, Ragnar Ragnasson and DownByTheRiver


jlg07 said:


> I posted this on your other post (you should keep it in one place):
> He is married -- there should be NO ex-GF, ex-wives, ex-ANYTHING. That is VERY disrespectful to YOU.
> The fact that he is chatting (cheating...) with other women is NOT good, NOT fair to you, and NO you are not being over-dramatic. This is SERIOUS.
> He may not be physically cheating but he IS cheating -- it's called an emotional affair. You know he has lied to you, so his "privacy" goes out the window. HE is at fault, HE needs to make this right, HE needs to be open (and honest, if he can) and stop this ASAP.
> ...


Hi, jlg07, thank you so much for chiming in! No, I did not cheat on my husband 12 years ago, you might have read the comments from *Bulfrog1987 *and thought it was me. I have been a loyal wife, hard-working professional woman, and a loving, caring mother to my two kids, there is no reason he should treat me that way. Actually the reason I was so upset is also because of another incident. I started a new stressful job during COVID and one day my blood pression was in the 180s and could barely walk and kept balance, so I asked him to take me to ER, it took him 20 minutes to get ready because he wanted to bring the new phone that just arrived and trying to find some other paperwork (so that he can read while he is in ER). While I was lying on the bed in the ER room, I felt so cold and told him to ask for a blanket from the nurse. 30 minutes later, he was back with a paper clip in his hard (he asked for that to use it to insert the chip to the new phone) and when I asked him where the blanket is, he said he forgot. I told myself he was an introvert engineer, he does not know how to take care of others, but i just can't forget about it.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I posted this on your other post (you should keep it in one place):
> He is married -- there should be NO ex-GF, ex-wives, ex-ANYTHING. That is VERY disrespectful to YOU.
> The fact that he is chatting (cheating...) with other women is NOT good, NOT fair to you, and NO you are not being over-dramatic. This is SERIOUS.
> He may not be physically cheating but he IS cheating -- it's called an emotional affair. You know he has lied to you, so his "privacy" goes out the window. HE is at fault, HE needs to make this right, HE needs to be open (and honest, if he can) and stop this ASAP.
> ...


hey there, OP did not cheat. You read my response at some point and have them mixed up. Apologies to all for the confusion!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's always a terrible idea for any married person to have this sort of contact with an ex.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your husband is in the wrong, big time. The only “privacy” in a marriage is being able to take a number 2 in peace and quiet.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Captain Obvious said:


> Your husband is in the wrong, big time. The only “privacy” in a marriage is being able to take a number 2 in peace and quiet.


This. Except he should also be allowed to take a number 1, or the full trifecta in peace, quiet, and private also.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Moonlight828 said:


> *Actually the reason I was so upset is also because of another incident. I started a new stressful job during COVID and one day my blood pression was in the 180s and could barely walk and kept balance, so I asked him to take me to ER, it took him 20 minutes to get ready because he wanted to bring the new phone that just arrived and trying to find some other paperwork (so that he can read while he is in ER). While I was lying on the bed in the ER room, I felt so cold and told him to ask for a blanket from the nurse. 30 minutes later, he was back with a paper clip in his hard (he asked for that to use it to insert the chip to the new phone) and when I asked him where the blanket is, he said he forgot. I told myself he was an introvert engineer, he does not know how to take care of others, but i just can't forget about it.*


You married yourself a real prince, didn't you?

And you *stay* married to this BUFFOON because ... _*why*_????

I just don't get it.

I simply don't understand *WHY* a woman will stay with an emotionally abusive SOB year after year after year and continually give him 100% while she gets NOTHING back in return, except nastiness, lying, sneaking, hitting on other women and emotional and verbal abuse. I don't get it.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Does her husband know? IMO nothing kills an affair like exposure. Her husband is your best ally. 

Expose to her husband (Do not warn your husband). If you warn your husband, he will warn the OW who will then discredit you as jealous and controlling.

It doesn't matter if she lives in another country. It's where is head (and heart is) that matters. He should be 100% in your marriage - not texting like he's single.

It doesn't matter that she's the one flirting. He's enjoying her flirting and by tolerating it your husband is complicit in inappropriately flirting.

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. Deleting his chat history is an admission that the chats contained inappropriate content for a married man.

Inform him that the right to privacy does not extend to secret texts with other women.

In addition, the time, effort or passion he is investing in texting her - is yours. He is robbing your marriage.


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## Moonlight828 (Jan 10, 2022)

Thanks everyone who commented my post! I really appreciate that I have a place to talk to someone! To be fair,I let my husband proof-read what I wrote before I posted it today, his word was: "It is pretty accurate, interested to see comments from others." Now he saw the comments, here is his respond to tell his side of the story: " I dated a girl long before meeting my wife. I chatted with her from time to time. She lives in a different county. We are quite open to the fact that nothing more than friendship can happen between us. One day my wife saw me responding to a chat message. She logged into my email and chat account, and dug up all of the history. She found a session where the girl said she still loves me and misses me. At the time, I didn't want to hurt her feelings and replied that I miss her too. In the following messages, I tried to gradually increase my distance from her but stay as a friend. I felt that marriage should be based on mutual respect and trust. It just doesn't feel right if one has to check the other one's emails, phone messages and chats all of the time. What are your thoughts?" -- Although you know not all of it is true, if I check his emails, phone and chats all the time, I would not have just found that he is still in touch with that women after 7 long years. Anyway, i just want to post his respond word by word, so you have "both" sides of the story. Appreciate any thoughts, suggestions you have, for him and for me to hear, thanks again!


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

If there is nothing to see, then there is nothing to hide. Privacy is pooping and closing the door, secrecy is hiding things from you. There should never be secrecy in marriage or at least in a good one.


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## Moonlight828 (Jan 10, 2022)

So sorry that I have duplicated post. I posted it in the *New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself!* forum first and thought I did it at wrong place (today is my first day joining) and then posted it here. Now I end up with two threads, my apologies, I have some updates and will keep the conversion going at the link below from now on. please make your comments there. My husband is chatting with his ex girlfriend who...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Moonlight828 said:


> Thanks everyone who commented my post! I really appreciate that I have a place to talk to someone! To be fair,I let my husband proof-read what I wrote before I posted it today, his word was: "It is pretty accurate, interested to see comments from others." Now he saw the comments, here is his respond to tell his side of the story: " I dated a girl long before meeting my wife. I chatted with her from time to time. She lives in a different county. We are quite open to the fact that nothing more than friendship can happen between us. One day my wife saw me responding to a chat message. She logged into my email and chat account, and dug up all of the history. She found a session where the girl said she still loves me and misses me. At the time, I didn't want to hurt her feelings and replied that I miss her too. In the following messages, I tried to gradually increase my distance from her but stay as a friend. I felt that marriage should be based on mutual respect and trust. It just doesn't feel right if one has to check the other one's emails, phone messages and chats all of the time. What are your thoughts?" -- Although you know not all of it is true, if I check his emails, phone and chats all the time, I would not have just found that he is still in touch with that women after 7 long years. Anyway, i just want to post his respond word by word, so you have "both" sides of the story. Appreciate any thoughts, suggestions you have, for him and for me to hear, thanks again!


@Moonlights husband...
Do you think we were born yesterday to accept that cockamamie story? 😆 🤣 😂 
Dude...

So your put the feelings of a woman you dated years ago before your wife's and **** all over your marriage...
You flirted with said ex bc she's supposedly too far away for nothing "more than friendship " to happen.
So you decided to fan the ex's feelings instead of decisively shutting that down to keep her around just in case but not get her angry probably so she won't spill the beans to Moonlight.

My suggestion is he confess everything he's done now before anything else surfaces and you decide if you want to stay married to this cake -ating lying piece of crap wondering what he's up to next.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I heard that too when I found an email from my husband to his “former” affair partner telling her he loved her. I divorced him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Moonlight828 said:


> Hi,
> LATERILUS79, Ragnar Ragnasson and DownByTheRiver
> 
> 
> Hi, jlg07, thank you so much for chiming in! No, I did not cheat on my husband 12 years ago, you might have read the comments from *Bulfrog1987 *and thought it was me. I have been a loyal wife, hard-working professional woman, and a loving, caring mother to my two kids, there is no reason he should treat me that way. Actually the reason I was so upset is also because of another incident. I started a new stressful job during COVID and one day my blood pression was in the 180s and could barely walk and kept balance, so I asked him to take me to ER, it took him 20 minutes to get ready because he wanted to bring the new phone that just arrived and trying to find some other paperwork (so that he can read while he is in ER). While I was lying on the bed in the ER room, I felt so cold and told him to ask for a blanket from the nurse. 30 minutes later, he was back with a paper clip in his hard (he asked for that to use it to insert the chip to the new phone) and when I asked him where the blanket is, he said he forgot. I told myself he was an introvert engineer, he does not know how to take care of others, but i just can't forget about it.


I am SO sorry that I got the posts confused -- yes I looked at Bulfrog's post and mistook it for you.
SO, get rid of the ETA stuff -- the rest of the post still stands!!! 
I have to wonder -- could your H be on the spectrum (asperger's) by any chance?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Moonlight828 said:


> . I felt that marriage should be based on mutual respect and trust. It just doesn't feel right if one has to check the other one's emails, phone messages and chats all of the time.


So, to the husband -- how bad do you think you've made your wife feel that she felt she HAD to look at your messages in your phone?
What you are doing is completely disrespecting your wife's feelings on this. You KNOW that she wanted you to stop, and yet you ignored her and continued the relationship. It does NOT take 7 years to "distance" yourself from this ex-gf.

Also, you were chatting online with a beautiful woman (maybe) -- umm, do you REALIZE that you are MARRIED? NONE of that is appropriate.
You have NOT made your wife secure in your relationship.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Moonlight828 said:


> My husband is online chatting with his ex girlfriend who constantly says she loves him and get mad that I’m angry about it. Am I “making a fuzz” here? Please provide your insights.
> 
> Waking up on New Year’s Day, I felt uneasy as if I just dreamed for no reason that my husband is making out with another woman, so I checked his cell phone (which I have never done purposely before) and I saw his chat with another woman, who asked him “you there?”. My husband is an engineer, anti-social, we have been married for almost 20 years and he never had a friend who he chats just for greeting (he spent most of his time in front of the computer, researching and trading stocks, any time spent going out with friend/relatives or go out hiking, even dining, will be in his word “wasting of time”) it would be a surprise to me that anyone would say happy new year to him, not alone a woman chat with him in such a casual tone. Most suspiciously is that I saw the chat history in the past two days with 10 or so messages every day but there’s nothing prior to that ( chat history deleted).
> 
> ...


You're not wrong. The only time there should be room in a relationship for an ex is when it involves children they had together.
Still being in contact with an ex is an indicator that he isn't over her and he isn't being faithful to you.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

I have gone through EXACTLY this with my ex-husband. He is fond of chatting online with many different people and getting their "attention". He says this is my fault for not being more attentive to him at home. He makes it my fault and sees nothing wrong with this because he doesn't physically cheat and they mean "nothing to him". I tried to understand, I tried to change, I tried to ignore it and I tried to not be overly dramatic about it. Guess what? It never stopped. It always hurt. It eventually killed our relationship. If it wasn't an ex, it was some lady that paid attention at some party or one of our children's events. Sometimes it was complete strangers online. It NEVER stopped. Not really. 

Another red flag, his actions at the hospital. This is also how my husband would be. Not seeming to care about my wellbeing, downgrading something that happened to me, and worse yet, being annoyed by it. Unfortunately, your husband is disrespectful and selfish towards you. He is not putting you or your marriage after himself and as long as that happens, you probably are in for long unhappy life or eventual divorce. Honestly, if he could put this relationship with an ex before your feelings for 7 years, he's probably not going to change. If you are doing something you have to lie about to your spouse, it isn't right. It also is not his right to have privacy with his phone and email from you. That seems to be his justification. You lose that right when you have to be deceptive to the person you have committed to sharing your life with forever. If you have to lie/hide/deceive, you are not right. Sorry, husband, but you are in the wrong and should probably seek counseling to explore why you can't commit completely and have empathy and respect for the person who has given you everything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Moonlight828 said:


> Hi,
> LATERILUS79, Ragnar Ragnasson and DownByTheRiver
> 
> 
> Hi, jlg07, thank you so much for chiming in! No, I did not cheat on my husband 12 years ago, you might have read the comments from *Bulfrog1987 *and thought it was me. I have been a loyal wife, hard-working professional woman, and a loving, caring mother to my two kids, there is no reason he should treat me that way. Actually the reason I was so upset is also because of another incident. I started a new stressful job during COVID and one day my blood pression was in the 180s and could barely walk and kept balance, so I asked him to take me to ER, it took him 20 minutes to get ready because he wanted to bring the new phone that just arrived and trying to find some other paperwork (so that he can read while he is in ER). While I was lying on the bed in the ER room, I felt so cold and told him to ask for a blanket from the nurse. 30 minutes later, he was back with a paper clip in his hard (he asked for that to use it to insert the chip to the new phone) and when I asked him where the blanket is, he said he forgot. I told myself he was an introvert engineer, he does not know how to take care of others, but i just can't forget about it.


How long you been with this waste?

I'm trying to think of a way to joke about him but I'm too angry to be witty.

I don't know your total dynamic but this barbarian thinks you could do better.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Moonlight828 said:


> I told myself he was an introvert engineer, he does not know how to take care of others, but i just can't forget about it.


This has nothing to do with your husband being an introvert or an engineer.
You are confusing introvert with selfishness and self-centeredness. I know plenty of introverts that are loving, caring people. Introversion does not equal inconsiderate and selfish.
@Moonlight828's husband, you are mistreating your wife. The fact that you thought a group of people would agree with your behavior or that you think your wife was wrong to check out what her gut was telling her by reading your texts, etc., shows that you need to work on your relationship skills and learn to meet your wife's needs more effectively. It is not your responsibility to meet ALL of her needs, but as her husband, you should have her back and realize that you should be meeting your wife's relationships needs that are inherently supposed to be met by a spouse.
Based on your wife's comments, she appears to be highly patient with you and to look at things from a positive, non-judgmental way where you are concerned. You have a gem and would do well to work on your end of the relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Moonlight828 

I merged your two threads into this one. It's best to only have one thread for a topic as you will get better input that way.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Moonlight828 's husband,



> " I dated a girl long before meeting my wife. I chatted with her from time to time.


Why? Why chat with her and not your wife, who is there with you physically in-person? Why chat with a woman you broke up with years ago? Why have you not left her alone and moved on?



> She lives in a different county.


So? People in the military are married and deploy to different countries and they are still married. That's because they keep the tie-that-binds bound to their spouse. People carry on long-distance dating and romances all the time. What difference does it make that she lives in a different country? From what I can tell that ONLY means that you can't physically accomplish PIV right now.



> We are quite open to the fact that nothing more than friendship can happen between us.


So you've stayed connected to another girl (other than your wife) for your ENTIRE MARRIAGE, and apparently you've talked about your "relationship" because you've claimed that the two of you (you and this girl) agree it can never be more than friendship. That means you have not "forsaken all others." That means you have given a percentage of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to a person OTHER THAN your spouse. Isn't that the very definition of infidelity?



> One day my wife saw me responding to a chat message. She logged into my email and chat account, and dug up all of the history. She found a session where the girl said she still loves me and misses me. At the time, I didn't want to hurt her feelings and replied that I miss her too. In the following messages, I tried to gradually increase my distance from her but stay as a friend.


Oh? So it's your wife's fault that she FOUND the secret life you've been living...NOT the fact that you've actually been LIVING a secret life. What if you had been behaving admirably and this other girl kept pestering you and telling you she liked you...and your wife logged into your email and chat and found that at every turn you had told her to knock it off, that you loved your wife, that you're happily married, and that this other girl should stop? Your wife would have seen YOU acting in a way that respected her and honoring your promises AND she would have felt mutual trust because your words (I love only you) and your actions would have matched. Nope, the problem here is that YOU LIVED A DOUBLE LIFE, you tried to cover it up, she found it and dug deeper, and you didn't treat her to respect or trust.

Also, note to self...see where you say that you "tried to gradually increase my distance but stay as a friend?" That means you were closer than a friend! Can you not see that?



> I felt that marriage should be based on mutual respect and trust. It just doesn't feel right if one has to check the other one's emails, phone messages and chats all of the time. What are your thoughts?"


Well I would agree with you. YOU promised to love your wife and forsake all others until death parted you. You didn't honor that promise. YOU did not respect her enough to tell her the real truth about your inappropriate "relationship" with this other girl (because married men should have NO RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER with any other girl). YOU didn't respect her enough to admit you were wrong and take personal responsibility for your own choices! Instead, you chose to blame her for YOUR actions! YOU did not trust your own wife enough to just see or look at your phone or your emails, and instead you deleted and actively hid them from her.

So it sounds to me like the one who isn't mutually respectful and trusting is you. And she doesn't trust you because YOU HAVE NOT ACTED IN A WAY THAT IS WORTHY OF TRUST. Your words and your actions are not matching. You aren't where you say you are; with who you say you'll be with; doing what you say you'll be doing. So when you act in an untrustworthy way, it is reasonable for people to NOT TRUST YOU.

Long story short, go immediate full no-contact with the other girl TODAY (as in, right now) or lose your marriage. It's just that simple.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Robert22205 said:


> Inform him that the right to privacy does not extend to secret texts with other women.


Exactly. He is entitled to privacy, not to secrecy. 

To OPs husband... You can't disrespect everyone else as easily as you're doing to your wife. It works on her, because she loves you and wants to believe you. We don't. We've all heard the "just a friend" thing before. I think there is even a book with that title.  

Should she get a friend like yours? Would you like that?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mr. Moonlight you shouldn't have things that you don't want your wife to read. That's a big clue you are doing something you shouldn't. What you are doing is called an emotional affair and it's cheating. You are getting your ego kibbles from another woman. It's dangerous in a marriage and I think you'd be pretty upset if your wife was texting some man that she loves him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The thing I'm so angry about that I can't think straight is the behavior when Moonlight was having a medical emergency and her husband was out to lunch!

I could have talked about the other stuff rationally but what the hell is he going to say about not seeing that his wife is ok when she had to be hospitalized?

I would take better care of an acquaintance much less my wife.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I would take better care of an acquaintance much less my wife.


Most people would take better care of an appliance. This guy seriously needs to step up or set her free.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Uh, sorry, but this is downright disrespect. You don't chat with exes, much less exchange sweet nothings. He needs his head examined if he thinks this is ok.

The fact he gets mad about it, and sorry in advance I'm just going to say it, shows he doesn't care about you, let alone by chatting up an ex with I love you's.

And he lied, said he wasn't chatting with a woman when he was, his ex no less. It's my opinion he is either cheating, has cheated, or wants to. No man who loves a woman keeps secrets like this and chats up women online.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

My wife can pick up my phone and read my conversation with anyone at any time. And I can do the same with hers. We rarely do but I’d have no problem if she did.

Why do you need privacy in talking to others? I make a rule to say nothing that I would be uncomfortable saying in front of my wife. I love her. She’s the most important person in my life. I want her to be happy and feel loved and secure.

If you dont Feel these ways about your wife then I think you need to do some deep thinking g about what is important to you. I recommend you work with a professional therapist who specializes in relationships and infidelity.

Your wife doesn’t need a partner who pines away for another woman. If you cannot rid this woman from your heart then maybe it’s time for your wife to move on and find someone to love her like she deserves.

There is absolutely no marriage supporting reason to stay in touch with this ex girlfriend. If you truly had your wife’s best interests in mind you would immediately block this woman, no goodbye. Nothing. It’s time to put the people most important to you first in your life and not behind anyone else.

I live by a saying, “there is no one in my life I wouldn’t drop immediately if they made my wife uncomfortable”.


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