# My month of hell so far



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Background: WH and I are both 36, in our second marriages. We each bring two kids to the family, for a total of 4. I am 6 months pregnant with our only mutual child. I was married for 12 years before this marriage, he was married for about three. 

About 10 months ago, I separated from my husband. We were having serious fights and I filed DV charges on him. Which, to be fair, I should NOT have done. He went to jail for a night, and I got a restraining order against him. We lived separately and could not speak for almost 6 weeks. We reconciled and agreed to work on our issues. Started IC and MC, as well as began to walk in accountability with two other couples in our church. We agreed not to hold onto the past, but to work through it and build a better marriage. 

I thought things were going well. I became pregnant three months into our reconciliation. I thought we were communicating well. I was wrong. 

Three weeks ago, I decided to go with my gut and check the phone records. Yep. There they were, tons and tons of texts to a number that didn't show up in his phone. They were deleted. Not to mention the phone calls. They started on May 9th. I texted the number, got a few responses, and then went into the bedroom. 

Well, I didn't breathe or think things through. I am a redhead. I am pregnant. I do have ADHD. I went into our bedroom and demanded answers. I bet you can guess what happened! He got defensive, and said I was too suspicious and that he would NEVER check up on me like that. He then said that he had started it because he was still hurt over the things I did when I left him last summer. 

The next few days went as you would expect. I moped. I cried. I begged. I said I was sorry for driving him to do that. I demanded. I yelled. I jumped on him, trying to get his damn phone out of his hand. I called the OW, which resulted in him taking my phone from me and smashing it. (I got a pretty little iphone 5 to replace it...and he's jealous! tee hee) Anyhow, he said he would end the relationship. 

Now, in my previous marriage, about 1 year in, I had an EA with a high school friend who lived 600 miles away. I confessed. I ended it. I KNOW how hard it is to do that. I know the relapse danger. I know that you can't believe a WS when they make a statement to end an EA in the heat of the moment. They are trying to shut you up. I know. I know all about trickle truth. I've DONE IT ALL!!! So, did I believe him? No. But I hoped for the 
best. 

A few days later, I got a call about my dad. I had to drive 3 hours away, and didn't make it to the hospital before he died. It was Monday, June 3. I got there an hour after he died. It was hard, is still hard, and will be hard for a while. Anyhow, my siblings and I went to the nursing home where Daddy had been, and cleaned out his room. My WH decided that this would be the best time to tell me that I was right, that he was still talking to OW, and that he tried to end it, but that she told him that she was in acute renal failure, had dialysis once a week, and was going to die. He wanted to be there for her. 

Again, I didn't handle it well. I mean, my dad had been dead for five hours. Really? He wanted me to understand how bad life was for her, and how he wanted to be there for her. Needless to say, I was furious. I didn't understand why he didn't want to be there for me, his high risk pregnant wife whose dad had just died. 

I shut down for a day. Then I told him that if he was so unhappy with me, he needed to leave. He said ok. And then I refused to talk to him for 24 hours. I cooled down, but became distant towards him. Meanwhile, I read Love Must Be Tough, and Not Just Friends. I wrote him an ultimatum letter, but my counselor said not to make any decisions within the first week of Daddy's death. Fair enough. I decided to take care of me and the baby, since by this time, I had lost 5 lbs and my blood pressure was at a risky level. 

I got my nails done. I went out with friends. I hung out with our kids. I alternated between being clingy and distant, it's true, for the first day or two. He called me annoying. Told me how amazing the OW was. He was sarcastic and mean. I responded with distant kindness and refused to engage in conflict via text. I told him that I would not sleep in our bed while he was texting with her. I also told him that I would not discuss our relationship unless we were in our MC office, or with one of our accountability couples. I also let him know that he was free to make a choice between me and OW, without any expectations on my part. I also let him know that whatever he decided, I would be ok, but that I couldn't guarantee that our marriage would be ok if he chose to wallow in his hurt and continue the relationship. I also told him that he could have some time to think, but that if he was unwilling to work through his hurt and end this relationship, then he would need to leave. Of course, he blustered and told me that I would leave, not him. I didn't respond, didn't engage in that conversation. 

So, last night, June 15, I let him know that I was committed to our marriage and working on things, but I had no control over him. I told him that since we were at a standstill---I can't FORCE him to leave, that I would be moving to our finished basement, and distancing myself from him. I told him that I would no longer call him or text him, nor would I spend time with him. I would take care of our kids and our home, but to me, we were simply roommates who had to share a kitchen and bathroom. 

This morning we went to church. Our two couples know of the situation. He acted like the good husband, and was very affectionate towards me. I was cool and he wanted to know why I was distant. LOL. During worship, I was singing and started crying quietly (I'm prego, I get away with that!) and kneeled to pray. He wrote me a note that said, "Ok. I will stop it."

I have still been distant today. I can tell he has tried to end things. I gave him space to do so. He is now depressed and withdrawn, which to me, are good signs. I told him that I understood what he was going through and would give him empathy and support to be strong as he broke things off. 

So. Here we go. Let's see if he truly does break things off. I'll give it a few days before I check the phone records. If he doesn't, my next step is to suspend his phone line or tell him he needs to separate his line from our family plan. I won't share my minutes and data and texts on MY family plan with her. 

Thanks for reading. I've been on the other side, so I know this won't be easy for him or me. But I will continue to take care of myself, our kids, the baby inside of me, and grieve for my dad as I can.


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## Lebanon Levi (Mar 29, 2013)

Sorry you are here. Unfortunately, I think you should really reconsider your battle plan. Empathy for him? Yikes... Is it possible he's depressed because you blew-up his spot? A separate phone line for continuing to cheat is hardly a punishment.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You have to do what you is best for you and your family, but I don't see much redeeming value in a man that would leave his pregnant wife, who just lost her daddy, for his own selfish reasons.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I dont think he has respect for you.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

First and foremost, my condolence on the loss of your father. I feel for you, OP ... i really do ... I hope you and baby are staying strong. Almost every BS will not consciously throw in the towel at the first instance of infidelity. I didn't ... For every success story of reconciliation, there is another of tears and heartbreak. To quote a wise old timer on this forum, " reconciliation is not for cowards".

However, do NOT take his withdrawn demeanour or apparent state of depression as 'good signs' ... It may be genuine, it may be not ... My STBX exhibited the same during our false period of R. My heart went out to him then, thinking he was going through a withdrawal syndrome for the OW whom he had a LTA with for 2 years. I even asked his work mate to take care of him. Silly me !!! 

Work on the 180. Remember you are not alone. You have your beautiful children and you have some very wise people here on the CWI who all went down the same journey and have the tee shirt to show for it ...


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Yeah, he hasn't broken it off. And he is still very defensive and angry about everything. I have decided not to ask about the situation, because it is obvious he is not ready to take responsibility. Our MC in an individual session, has told me that because of WH other issues, asking him to leave would be counterproductive. He approves of the 180, and gave some suggestions as to how to implement it best. 

If I weren't struggling with grief from the loss of my dad, and the hormonal emotions of pregnancy, this would be easier to handle. I need some emotional and physical support right now, and it's not there. Sometimes I cry because I can't hug my dad anymore, and I want to be held---but that isn't happening.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

All little girls want their daddies love no matter how old they are. It is ok to miss your dad.

Your husband is taking advantage of the situation. You are too close to the situation to think rationally. He knows that you are afraid he will leave and therefore you are begging him to abuse your trust.

Sometimes it is all you can do to focus on one thing because there is so much going on around you. A man should love his wife. A woman should respect her husband. Is your husband treating you with the love that your father showed you?

I doubt it. You need that from him. You deserve it. If he can't give it to you and be there for you instead of himself, maybe you should think about telling him its time for him to leave. Look at the 180 and prepare to do it unless you like to be treated like a piece of used toilet paper.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Well, I got up in the middle of the night last night to have a snack (gotta gain weight, or the dr is going to send me to the hospital) and I was reading the message boards. I have ADHD, and when I wake up in the middle of the night, my brain is in overdrive. Reading helps to calm it, ya know?

So anyhow, I'm standing in the kitchen, snacking and reading, when WH comes in. He asks what I'm doing and I said that I was reading and eating. He wanted to know what I was reading, and I told him some marriage message boards. He asked why, and I told him because I like to read when I wake up. I climbed back into bed and he said that my reading things like that made him uncomfortable. I didn't respond and went to sleep. He brought it up again this morning. He wants me to not read these message boards. Ha! Not likely. I didn't apologize, as I would have in the past. I told him that I enjoy reading when I wake up in the middle of the night, and it was my choice what to read. 

Did I mention that he asked if one of my friends was good for our marriage yesterday? 

I am refusing to hold onto the anger. I think he is trying to draw me into conflict, so he can justify his actions and choices. I am choosing to withdraw and be secure in God and myself. 

I'm not as afraid of him leaving as I was a week ago. I know I'll be ok. It might take me a while to get my feet on solid ground, but I'm a strong woman, with a good support network. I have a college degree, am well respected in my field, and have endless possibilities. Not to mention, I'm hot! LOL, seriously, I forgot where my self confidence was for a few weeks---I think discovering the EA will do that to you. But I know that I am worth more than a part time husband. I won't ever rush for divorce, I've been down that road. But a separation, yeah, I can handle that. Especially a legal one, where there are still responsibilities and requirements.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Wow you've been through the wringer and you're still standing. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It ttakes a long time to get the grief processed, and you will still miss him the rest of your life. 

Your baby is lucky, it's going to have a loving mother who will take good care of it (him? her?). 

Your WH needs to pull his head out pretty fast, but we all know how the script goes. he's not going to rush OUT of his fog any more quickly than he went into it. It does sound as though you've turned a corner of sorts, in this last post. It sounds as though your H doesn't know what he's about to lose. You need to be good for YOU and your child, and if he can make that big popping sound of his head coming back into daylight, then maybe, if you want it, he can join in on having a family. Some guys would kill to have a kid and family, take it from me. 

And with your degree and support system etc., it seems H doesn't provide much to this marriage any more. At this point, it all has to be re-evaluated and it's time to start over on even footing. You write like a pretty smart person. Just stay strong in who YOU are. That's the only good way to get through all this crap. 

God bless


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Betrayedred said:


> I am refusing to hold onto the anger. I think he is trying to draw me into conflict, so he can justify his actions and choices. I am choosing to withdraw and be secure in God and myself.
> 
> I'm not as afraid of him leaving as I was a week ago. I know I'll be ok. It might take me a while to get my feet on solid ground, but I'm a strong woman, with a good support network. I have a college degree, am well respected in my field, and have endless possibilities. Not to mention, I'm hot! LOL, seriously, I forgot where my self confidence was for a few weeks---I think discovering the EA will do that to you. But I know that I am worth more than a part time husband. I won't ever rush for divorce, I've been down that road. But a separation, yeah, I can handle that. Especially a legal one, where there are still responsibilities and requirements.


:smthumbup:

Proud to hear you say that !!!!!!

And give your babies a good cuddle tonite ... Would think they can't wait to meet their new sibling 

Stay strong ... Stay "you" .....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why should you not have filed DV changes against him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

My WH didn't like it when I went on mumsnet to ask for advice about his behaviour, even pre-A, because he knew that they told me the truth. He called them all man-hating feminazis.

However, he has never had a problem with me coming on here, in part I think because there are men on here also, so I get a balanced view. 

It bothers me somewhat that he respects the opinions of men over the opinions of women. However, having some of my threads on Mumsnet deteriorate into hysterical predictions that my H was going to murder us all in our sleep, I kind of see his point.

He didn't, BTW (at least, I don't think so. Maybe I'm a zombie and I don't know it).

Anyway, he is trying to stop you from posting on here because you are being told the truth and that means he can't gaslight you or pull the wool over your eyes.

Keep posting and reading and tell him to bog off.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> Yeah, he hasn't broken it off.


Betrayedred,

I understand that you're in a tough spot with the pregnancy. I feel for your situation.

But your husband has an ongoing EA and just lied to you about breaking it off. As long as you give your husband no real consequences for this, you can't expect things to change. Because he doesn't believe you will leave him. He's keeping this going, knowing you're not going anywhere. You are his plan B backup if things don't work out with this OW; and he has no respect for you.

Any man that would do this type of thing is despicable. A man that would do this while his wife is pregnant is even worse.

Unless you get to the mindset where you're willing to end your marriage if he doesn't stop contact, he'll continue to emotionally abuse you. Not only that, even if he doesn't hook up with this woman it's almost inevitable that he'll cheat on you with someone else down the road. Again, because of no real consequences this time. 

Be strong. Ask him to leave the house. If he won't, at least you're already in separate rooms. Do a strong 180 on him.

Then, talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Let him feel what it's like to lose a wife for cheating on her. Keep going toward the path of divorce until he stops contact and shows remorse. If he doesn't, carry through with it and start a new life.

As hard as it is to see it now, you'll be much better off without him.

Keep posting.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

You're going through so much - you are a strong person.

In my humble opinion, you deserve much better. You are pregnant and just lost your dad, and he is openly cheating on you and manipulating you.

I do not like this guy, not one bit.

I wish you the very best.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Thanks, everyone, for your words of support and wisdom. 

Matt--- while we have had some physical fights in the past (he's 6'3 and I'm 4'11) with me trying to force him to physically pay attention to me, and him reacting by pushing me against the wall, or pushing me off of the bed, those things did NOT happen the day I made my DV report. Yes, he tried to stop me from leaving the house, told me that I couldn't have a car (which he backed down from before I left) and told me that he would have beat the ****e out of everyone who had been there helping me---but I still knew that I wasn't in danger. He's all talk, no action. I shouldn't have made the statement. 

I have told him to leave. He won't. I can't make him. And while I COULD clean out our bank account and get a place of my own, I can't uproot the kids AGAIN. See, I'm also in a bad spot with my ex, who is a family lawyer and has made it clear that he will fight for custody of our two kids if he feels like there are reasons to do so. I am not afraid of my ex, but there's no need to cause extra trauma at this point. 

He is selfish. He says that I take all of his hurt and twist it around to be mine. He says he doesn't think he's capable of hurting me, because I don't show any hurt. 

Here's the other thing. I am a Christian, and I am in a covenant marriage. Yes, he has betrayed that covenant. But his actions do not determine mine. Will I separate from him if this situation continues? Absolutely. I am going to the social services office Monday morning to fill out my applications for WIC, food assistance, and housing assistance. I think he thinks that I am trapped here. While it's true that I can't do a lot right now with being pregnant, that won't be the case forever. I will not move for a divorce, but I will move for a legal separation, which will bind him legally to provide for his child and his wife. 

He says he is not afraid of me leaving again, that he's been through the worst he can with last summer. Yet, he asks if I love him, asks if I will be home when he gets home, asks if this is ever going to get better. Obviously, he's afraid. I have power, and I am taking the time to decide best how to use it. Impulsive behavior has gotten me into harder situations in the past. I can build a wall around myself and isolate myself while in the same house---which believe me, is much harder on him than it is on me. It's also much harder on him than a physical separation would be. My not texting, calling, or sleeping with him this week have caused some changes. 

His best buddy is working on our house right now, and is having a similar situation, where his wife wants out. He says he doesn't think there is another man, but well...you know...I bet there is, based on what he has told me. Anyhow. We talked about WH and some of the things going on. He asked WH to go out tonight to watch the Spurs/Heat game. I texted WH and encouraged him to do so. He didn't know how to respond, and asked what I was going to do if he was out watching the game. I told him that I would be fine, I had my own things to do. That kills him. He wants me to NEED him to fulfill me. But the thing is, I don't NEED any man or other person to fill the holes inside of me. That's what my God is for. So if he's waiting for me to NEED him, he'll be waiting a long time. 

I am struggling with what consequences/boundaries I should implement in the meantime. Please know that I understand that separation with intention of divorce is the harshest boundary and is often the most effective. But I also know that each situation is different, and I know my husband's psychological history. 

Did I mention that I used to be a therapeutic teacher?  My background is in trauma induced behavior problems with children. The interesting thing is, that if childhood trauma is not processed, it will follow you into adulthood and manifest itself in self destructive ways. He has childhood trauma--- a mother with mental illness, abandonment, and other things. While they don't excuse his behavior or choices, they help me to understand his choices. I will not allow his choices to destroy me or our family, however. But that being said, I need to be very careful of how I approach this situation, knowing his childhood history. It calls for perhaps more patience and a different tact than others may think would be effective. Not being a doormat, but also not inflicting more trauma than necessary.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Robsia said:


> My WH didn't like it when I went on mumsnet to ask for advice about his behaviour, even pre-A, because he knew that they told me the truth. He called them all man-hating feminazis.
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: feminazis :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

BR, it sounds like you are really gaining strength and resolve. I applaud you for that, and for focusing on the Holy Spirit for that inner peace you need. That's the only place to get it, as you well know. 

Sounds like you are doing a "modified 180" which I'll be following to see how things turn out. God blessed you already, and with the child coming, yet another blessing. I sent up a prayer for you. That last, long post you did gave me goose bumps!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

PS my wife is your height and I am 3 inches taller than your SO. 

I used to say "everyone's the same height laying down!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let's get this clear, so I can understand it. 

Did you bear false witness against your husband and unjustly get him jailed?

Or did you really fear he was going to hurt you?


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I was afraid at the time. It was a scary day and he made a lot of threats. However, if I had taken a few deep breaths and slept on my fear, I would have realized that he is more about flight than fight.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Well, he went to a 2 hour MC session today. He tried to get out of it. Tried to start three fights in the half hour before. I was firm and did not engage in the fight attempts. The session was good, he said better than he expected. He had envisioned a blame and sob fest. Instead it was very constructive and calm. We have another appointment in two weeks, though I have IC on Tuesday. 

If it went so well, why do I feel so sad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> Well, he went to a 2 hour MC session today. He tried to get out of it. Tried to start three fights in the half hour before. I was firm and did not engage in the fight attempts. The session was good, he said better than he expected. He had envisioned a blame and sob fest. Instead it was very constructive and calm. We have another appointment in two weeks, though I have IC on Tuesday.
> 
> If it went so well, why do I feel so sad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you are human. Because you were betrayed. Because the unthinkable was done to you. Because you are grieving for innocence lost. Because you should not be here like so many of us. Because it hurts and will hurt for time to come. Because...

Go find something to do today that may or may not make any sense and just enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it. I am sorry you are here. Good luck to you.


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