# Need some advice, i am changing for the better but will she change as well??



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hello to all, this is my first post so please bare with me, i have had alot going on lately good and bad but now things have finally moved forward but i still need advice...
I do not want to ramble so i will try to keep to the important things that have happened so you can see the situation better.
I have been married 8 years, we have two girls 3 and 7 yrs old. The past 8 yrs I have not been a good husband nor father. I had developed a drinking problem, i used to think it was cool on a friday night to buy a 30 pack of busch beer and finish by sunday (not a good choice there trust me). Well, the drunken mad man took over and the guy my wife loved and married was so to speak frozen and put to the side while the drunk took the wheel. I started to drink a six pack of ice house a night.
Well, since she was not happy with me because i became a drunk she looked elsewhere and found a class mate at her school at the time, so to speak a shoulder to cry on but this guy took advantage of her and made my wrongs into right. In other words he became the knight in shinning armor... Well, she did cheat and it was a short cheat only a couple months, this guy had dropped out of school and my wife told him she wouldnt be with him unless he had a plan so she got him to join the service. Once he left for that me and her worked things out and that was the end of him. We went on a vacation to rekindle the love and it worked well.
After that happened i had a problem with her because she never explained the whole thing to me nor gave me closure on the issue. I was told to get over with it and deal with it... I had questions i needed answers to and never got them so i held onto that all the time and through it in her face when ever i had the chace. We had our first daughter when we first got married and had our second daughter after the cheating, like a year after that happened. So i figured everything was good again to a point.
Well, fast foward 5 years later till now, this is the start to the current situations. In July we planned another vacation for a week just me and the wife to rekindle again. We were excited to go and i thought hey i will stop drinking, so for almost a month i stopped drinking but had a couple here and there. 
The Saturday before the vacation i got up early to get a coffee and while i was going to the car i noticed a piece of paper hanging out the car door. I take a look at it and it is the guy from 5 years ago trying to make contact with my wife again. Of course i got pissed but did not get mad at her, i talked to her about it and she was mad as well saying wtf does he want. I said he is asking for you to email him and if he tracked you down to our home he probably has your email or phone number as well it does not cost much to get that info these days. Well, he emailed but did not have her cell number, he asked for her to email him i saw the email. She told me i want nothing to do with him, i said do not email him, she agreed and said yeah i will not respond he will just go away.
Well, Monday morning comes along and i have this butterfly feeling in my stomache telling me to check the email accounts. i do and to my surprise he emailed her with a big email. Saying good to hear from you glad you emailed me, when can we meet, do you have a number i can call, send me pictures as flattering as possible, here is my work number call me but when you do, you have to say your my wife or they will not put you through to me if it is okay for right now. So i wake her up all pissed, i told her you lied to my face i cannot trust you now. I told her cancel the trip or better yet you take him with you since you proved you want to pursue him again. She got upset saying i should have never emailed him why did i, she says it was just a friendly email. Well, when he replied, he replied off of her email so i was able to read what she said and yes it was just simple hello nice to hear from you congrats on having your son hope all is well take care. After he replied with the big email he sent another saying sorry for stepping over any boundaries but i was excited to hear from you sorry if i sounded weird. Well, she wrote an email in bold big letters sayins leave me alone, go away, do not contact me ect... ect.. ect.. and sent it to him. Since then nothing has come of it so far.
I did that same day grabbed a bat and tracked the number to his work and started to go to kick his butt. I called the work number quarter of the way there and i believe he answered, i said he needs to leave my wife alone or else i will hurt him, i said before he was overseas but now he is within reach. but like i said nothing else has happened. I since then put a key logger on our laptop and check it frequently so i do not let my guard down cause i was not sure if i can still trust her since she lied to my face.
We went on our vacation and had a great time, it was like we just started to date all over again. There was lots of sex, hand holding, kisses, hand holding ect.. ect..
We get back home and the first week things were great, i still was not drinking, we would text each other little things here and there. She would call saying you have not called me all day yadda yadda. I would send these nice animated e-cards. But then the week after i started to get insecure thinking the guy is waiting for me to put my guard down. This started to lead me to drink again which just added gas to an already lit flame. 
Next thing i know one Sunday about 2 weeks ago or 3 i had drank some hard liquor which i usually do not drink i am a beer guy but sunday they do not sell beer until 11:00a.m. so i started to drink the tequilla. i finished half the bottle before she came home from picking the kids up cause we went out the night before. i was mad cause i tried to call her and she did not call back since i wanted to know when they would be back to see what we were going to all do that day. Well, she gets home at 4:00pm when she had left at 9 am. Of course i started off with i know what you were doing you were emailing him from your parents house and bam things got bad. She left with the girls and i kept drinking. To shorten things up i finally went and got help, which is what she wanted me to do for a long time but my ego said no nothing is wrong with you, you do not need help it is her that does. 
I have not drank in 17 days and the alcoholism specialist is great and i love going to thses sessions it is really working for me. I have gotten rid of the drunken mad man and finally feel like i have been reawaken from a deep sleep. They came back home and things are getting better.
I have been taught and given the tools on how to get that guy out of my head and to stop drinking when situations would usually make me run for the stuff or to find any reason to just drink. After i am done with my help i want me and the wife to get some marriage councelling which she agreed to.
What is bothering me is this. On her end there is a lack of affection, lack of sex, lack of cuddling, lack of communication. I understand it will take time for these things to come back but i had come across an email my wifes best friend wrote to her that is boggling my mind. 
I guess when we got into the big fight my wife and her girlfriend talked on the phone and my wife had said I do not even love him. Well, in the email her friend says even though you said that me and you both know its not true cause if it were you would have left him along time ago. So i understand she was mad and hated me at the time and she may have been blowing off steam. 
So i did not tell her i found that email but i kinda talked to her in the same words that were in the email. I asked her do you even love me? i said if you did not love me you would have left a long time ago right? She kind of repeats what her friend said in the email, which leads me to believe that she just said what her friend originally said just to shut me up. She has lied to my face recently so i have a hard time now believing her to a certain point. I kinda feel she is with me cause of the kids and not to mention the old saying which goes it is easier just to keep her then to leave her.... any advice on that one?
We had sex the second day she was home do to a nice backrub which turned her on but since that nothing. No make up sex as of yet. i tried to mess around the other night or two and nothing. Sex is maybe once or more a month, but on vacation it was all the time, i think it was cause she was not stressed so i am trying to get her not stressed out do to me anymore.
We do not go out much at all by ourselves so i mentioned to her that i wanted to take her out saturday night. I said lets go to a club she said noo. i said a nice dinner? maybe she says i said okay well lets do more then just a movie. She says who will watch the girls i said i will talk to my dad. He knows we need to go out so i am sure he would not mind. I want to get her a nice gift from tiffanys which she loves but money is tight and i do not want to piss her off by charging it, but i do not for sure i have some side money coming from a side job like dollars so i can put it back. I know she wants a new couch which maybe is better then the jewelery which is fine but i want to really make it a nice night anyone have any advice on how to make it special? i am pretty good at being romantic but would like some feedback from you guys. 
I would just like to know if it is time that is needed on her side for the affection, caring, love, sex to come back to her? I know if i show her i am changing to the guy she loved and married will help but she is cautious to me have a relapse which i wont cause she scared me really good this time. What ya guys think? thanks and sorry for this being so long.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I know i was telling my story and had forgotten i originally posted in the sex in marriage part of the forum... I would like to know as well if the lack of sex is due to all the years of me being an a-hole? She tells me if i would be nice to her and stop my BS that it would happen more often. Well, i have stopped my BS and wonder if i should just give it time cause i do not want to pressure her or annoy her cause then its more of a turn off then anything. I figured if we go out this weekend just the two of us and i am romantic maybe we could have the makeup sex. Which i know would definitley build my confidence that things are gonna get better and better, this would also want me to be a better husband to her. sorta like motivation lol

But what can i do to get her attention or to sweep her off her feet again?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Ok, coming from a woman...give it time. If she said give it time, then give it time. BUT during that time, be very non sexually affectionate, do nice things for her and the kids and kiss her gently when you walk by her. From your perspective, you have stopped being the a-hole, and stopped your drinking. From her perspective, she sees that but needs to trust that you will not just slip back into those ways again. She probably does love you (but Im not her, so I cannot speak for her), but is scared out of her wits that this will happen anytime there is marital stress, or anytime period for that matter. Its not like you used to have marital spats one too many times... this was alcohol abuse (do you know Bill W?)... not to be taken lightly. Maybe she can let go with you when you are on vacation bc you werent in the same environment and she can put aside all the memories of what happened/s in your homelife.

Give it time, and continue not being an a-hole... dont even think of drinking again... from what you described and what I know about alcoholism, it will ruin your relationship. Sounds like alcohol is a poison in your system. Best of luck , oh and you may have to take care of yourself down there until she trusts you enough... a small price to pay for winning trust back from someone you love.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

thanks for the advice. i think your right. that is what i was thinking but sometimes you need to hear it from others or see a different way to analize things if you cannot see it yourself. 

I am hoping to to take her out this saturday night to a really nice restuarant that we went to one time she loved it. I had bought her a dress before we went on vacation for her to wear on our anniversary we were gonna go to a really nice place that night but we ended up not going. I would like her and me to get dressed up and go to this restaurant she liked so i can treat her well. we will see i guess. oh and no i wont drink again i learned my lesson and not to mention she scared the life out of me this time lol


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tony8404 said:


> I am hoping to to take her out this saturday night to a really nice restuarant that we went to one time she loved it. I had bought her a dress before we went on vacation for her to wear on our anniversary we were gonna go to a really nice place that night but we ended up not going. I would like her and me to get dressed up and go to this restaurant she liked so i can treat her well. we will see i guess. oh and no i wont drink again i learned my lesson and not to mention she scared the life out of me this time lol


it sounds like your on the right track. you just have to give it time. from the day you stop drinking ( and that includes any liquor at all) give it as much time to heal as you gave to the bottle. as of right now you have eight years of healing time.


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