# Is it time to separate?



## Denise76 (Dec 2, 2015)

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have a son (18 months) old and another baby on the way. We have been through a lot the past couple of years, aside from the babies which are blessings. For instance his mom is 89 years old with very advanced dementia and my dad is terminally ill. We help each other as best as we can with these situations.
My husband is a good guy for the most part. He provides for us (I am home with the child now), and helps me with the child and some housework if I am tired. One thing that concerns me is his temper and tendency to pick fights over ridiculous things. He also seems to have an obsession with his mother which has created problems in our marriage. She is a widow, like I said has severe dementia to the point where she doesn't know who she is, does not speak, is spaced out most of the day, and confined to a wheelchair. She has 24 hr care form nurses and health aides. 
My husband moved her from her home (20 minutes away from us) to our building so "things can be easier for him." This means that he doesn't have to go visit everyday. When we first got married he had dinner with her everyday of the week pretty much and went twice on Saturday and Sundays. I only had dinner with him on Fridays and maybe another day of the week. I felt lonely and thankfully my brother was living a few minutes away so I would go see him and eat with him. When I brought this up to my husband he said that "I was selfish to not let him go eat with his mother because she lost her husband and is alone." Let's not forget the friendly health aides that ate with her everyday. I even offered for him to split it 50/50 and pick days he would be with her and me. He would never get back to me with a solution to my offer.

Then I started seeing more concerning behavior. When his mom was sick with laryngitis twice, he insisted he bring our 2 month and later 4 month old to her so she "can see the baby," after I expressed my concerns about a newborn/infant getting sick. The baby did get sick for 5 weeks with a terrible cough and congestion as a result of him not listening. I explained, I don't want to isolate your mom but we cannot risk getting others sick, especially the baby. We also cannot move to the neighborhood we plan on going to until his mom passes. Not even across the street. He prefers to pay much of her expenses (which he hides from me) in a very expensive building along with ours to be next to her.
Every night, I go into the bedroom to read and he doesn't join me till 11 when I am tired and want to sleep. He watches T.V. in the family room and waits till 10:50 to go kiss his mother goodnight when she is tucked in to come to our bed. I feel like if he came in and spent an hour or so next to me, perhaps our sex life would be better. It's practically non existent and sporadic. I told him before to go say goodnight to her at 9:00 while she is still watching T.V. Why does she need to be tucked in for him to go kiss and say GN??

So, a few days ago, I told him my brother bought our son his first tricycle for Christmas and he was infuriated saying only a father should buy such a gift. He asked, "What is UNCLE going to teach him how to ride a two-wheeler too later on?" My husband was adopted and only has a brother left who lives in Florida with his new partner. I feel like he resents the fact that my mom can interact with our son and buy presents, etc. I feel like he resents the fact that his family is practically non-existent. 

Last week, he wanted to bring his mom to our place while he was at work with her health aide. I of course agreed happily. The day before the visit he said I decide the time since I am home. I suggested to the aide to come at 3:00 before the baby naps. That way it gives them a chance to see the child for 30 minutes. She naps and they can see her again after the nap. He was infuriated and questioning me why I did it when the baby naps and that I deprive his mother of the child that way. She cannot even look at the child in her state. We point the child out and she doesn't look. So I ended up switching the time three times so his mommy can see the child for 2 hours (which didn't happen due to her condition). 
ANother time when she came up, I sat on the couch with our son and he got upset that I wasn't sitting directly in front of her wheelchair holding the child up to her (which I had done for 10 minutes but it wasn't enough). 
Last year he got angry because I used vegetables to color Easter eggs in pots of water and he wanted the individual PAAS paints so she can take part. He said, "Why did I bring her down here for if she can't take part in it? "

I am sleepless, stressed, and so upset that he picks these fights. It is making me not see him the same way. Everything in our lives is about accommodating his mother. Also, I feel like he resents the fact that my family is here and not his. As if he hates that my parents are mobile (dad needs some help), much younger and can visit me every day.

I feel like separating for a while to gather my thoughts and decide what to do. I hate that he gets loud and yells over these things while holding our son, or in front of him. I Think he might need a therapist because this doesn't seem like it's going to end. 

Please offer some advice and thoughts on all of this.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he definitely needs a therapist. accommodating his mom is an admirable thing, but he's doing so greatly at the expense of your marriage.

his mom will be gone soon probably, but marriage is suppose to last forever.

"that is why a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife". (Ephesians 5:31)


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Never mind the mother issues (which are huge), he sounds like a complete control freak. Getting bent out of shape over Easter Egg dye? Trying to control where you sit and how to hold the baby when visiting his mother? A nearly nonexistent sex life?

Yes, he definitely needs counseling. And yes, you should consider separating until he goes to counseling and gets his act together.

Check out threads on this forum by @Orange_Pekoe. Her husband is similarly overly-attached to his family of origin, much to her despair and the demise of their marriage.

You can start with these:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/298801-sad.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/290809-should-i-let-go.html


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

This doesn't sound like a situation that calls for a separation, yet. To me this sounds like an ideal scenario for marital counseling/therapy.

Have you ever heard the saying, "Expectations destroy relationships"? I think that's what is happening here. Remember that we all develop certain expectations in life as we grow up, but it's extremely important that we be aware of what those are, which ones are realistic and which ones aren't, and be extremely careful in how we apply them to our spouses. My wife is extremely close to her family for instance, she likes to see them typically every single weekend. (This isn't a huge deal, as we live only about 30 minutes away from most of them) Me on the other hand grew up as a military brat living all over the world so I couldn't see my extended family more than once every few years. To me, it's not that important. For a long time, she interpreted my disinterest in seeing family more frequently as meaning that I must not care about family, possibly including her. She often thought it was pretty outrageous that I'd rather do something else than go visit family.

I think in your husband's case, he probably has similar expectations regarding his mother. He probably has some other attachment issues as well, possibly relating to his having been adopted. Honestly I really think a marriage counselor could help you both sort this out, and if he does have issues that need more attention, recommend an individual therapist for him as well. I really think that a separation will just enforce his views/concerns about you and make things worse.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Denise76 said:


> Hi,
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have a son (18 months) old and another baby on the way. We have been through a lot the past couple of years, aside from the babies which are blessings. For instance his mom is 89 years old with very advanced dementia and my dad is terminally ill. We help each other as best as we can with these situations.
> My husband is a good guy for the most part. He provides for us (I am home with the child now), and helps me with the child and some housework if I am tired. One thing that concerns me is his temper and tendency to pick fights over ridiculous things. He also seems to have an obsession with his mother which has created problems in our marriage. She is a widow, like I said has severe dementia to the point where she doesn't know who she is, does not speak, is spaced out most of the day, and confined to a wheelchair. She has 24 hr care form nurses and health aides.
> ...




He certainly needs therapy. The first thing on list of priorities is to shield your child from your husband's temper tantrums. It's not healthy for the baby, you guys should converse in another room away from the baby.

Secondly, as clam said, my marriage is basically over because of my husband's over-attachment to his mother and siblings. In my case, he had other siblings who were more than capable (financially, physically) of taking care of his mom and did. But they weren't willing to take care of her separately or by taking turns...no my dear, we had to live in the same house so we could all be "one happy (haha) family" and they could see their mother all the time whenever they wanted.

If your husband had other siblings, then they could take turns watching over her. If not...I'm not sure what to tell you. It's very hard for you, I completely understand, I've been there!

Ultimately, I wasn't able to cope well with what my husband had to offer, and we are getting a divorce. Raising a child on my own (with some help here and there from him) has its own difficulties.

My husband wasn't willing to go to counselling. Maybe yours will? Don't walk away without trying your all to save the marriage...seriously consider therapy.


----------



## Denise76 (Dec 2, 2015)

Thank you for the responses. I will talk to him about going to counseling together. I had mentioned it in the past and I think he might be willing to go. However, he just upset me a few minutes ago when I brought up him saying goodnight to his mom at 9pm so we can cuddle and spend time in our bedroom right after. He kept asking, "Why does it bother you so much?" and "Do I dictate and make rules about when you see your family?" Well, I don't leave to see my family when he gets home from work. It seems as if he wants to continue going down at this hour to tuck her in. I am at a loss, hurt, and confused.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Just a quick thought, a good approach to wanting more time with him at night might be to talk to him about it differently. Instead of asking him to go say goodnight to his mom earlier or less frequently, instead phrase it as you wanting to have more time with him before it is your typical bed time.

I imagine a lot of couples have similar issues with their spouses preferring different bed times, or where one spouse stays up late watching TV, playing video games, drinking (even responsibly), etc. Yours has an issue with going to see his mom too late for you to have any time with him. If you don't discuss it with him in a certain way, I can see how he might perceive it as you trying to control and/or criticize him in some way, which could naturally make him defensive. So that's why I'm wondering if it wouldn't help if you made it more about you rather than him. Saying that YOU miss spending time with him right before bed, YOU miss cuddling with him, YOU feel more comfortable/safe/loved when he is with you right before bed, etc. It presents an opportunity for him to do something positive/loving for you, and it might itch his natural male protectiveness desire as well. Rather than feeling scolded or like a grown man with a bed time set by his wife, he'll get to feel like a loving/appreciated/needed husband. 

(I'm totally not saying that you scolded or belittled him or anything like that, I'm just saying it's possible that he could take your words the wrong way)


----------



## LovePractitioner (Dec 2, 2015)

Denise76, you obviously have our sympathy. The first take of this makes a person want to tell him to take a flying leap. However, what's hard about this scenario is that he may be suffering from a mental disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder. His unreasonableness and temper make me think that he needs a lot of help. 

On the other hand, the power you have as the feminine one in the family can be astounding. Shockingly, you may find that your tone, your attitudes, your approach may actually be fueling the fire. I highly recommend a very good but old book called, Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin. It's an eyeopener. Women can literally get their man to do and act in just about anyway if she knows what to do. 

Obviously, that is not always the case. But, if it isn't it's only because he may not be completely sane. Believe it or not. The best you could do is read a book like, Fascinating Womanhood, try out its philosophies and see what happens. It only makes things happen quicker. For example, if he's really not going to change, you will repel him by your goodness, your love and your sincerity. He will end up leaving because you are not a match any more. However, often, the unruly behavior diminishes almost like magic when we know some of these secrets mentioned in her book. 

We can't tell you what to do. It's a big decision. I'm not a big proponent of divorce unless there really really is nothing else that can be done. And if there is a disorder involved, sadly, separation may be inevitable. If you read that book and try out its philosophies, I'm sure you will know in your heart that you sincerely did all YOU could do to save the marriage. 

I do have a free report on how to put the fire back into your marriage that I can send you also if you let me know you're interested. Many find it very helpful. 

We sincerely hope, all turns out well for you.


----------

