# I want a man's view- Long read



## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

I'm posting because I really want a man's honest view/opinion on my situation.
I've been married 18 years, the end of last year right before our 17th wedding anniversary I discovered that my husband had feelings for a woman he worked with, these weren't just feelings of a strong light they were actually feelings of love. I found out that he had been going to her house a few times to help her with things and then a couple of times to just visit. They had been calling and texting everyday throughout the day. I had my suspicions because I had found notes in his work bag from her. He would just say they're just friends, it's nothing. I asked him when I first found out to talk to her about not leaving notes in his work bag and I spoke to him about how I felt it was very disrespectful for her to feel comfortable enough to do something like that. He said he talked to her, she understood how I would feel like that and it wouldn't happen anymore. But it did one more time. So after I found out when he told me that he had feelings for her and did love her that I didn't know what to do. It ended up being arguing everyday and he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore, and it wasn't because of her he was just really confused because we have been together for so long and he's never felt like this before. So I ended up asking him to leave our house like 6 days after I found out. He ended up going and staying somewhere alone. My thought would be that he would see how bad it had hurt me and our marriage and come to the realization that things need to change for us to get back to where we were. Instead he just continued with saying he's so confused and doesn't know what to do, while I'm asking him to talk to me about it and us try to deal with this. 
We begin to have conversations about what we need to do, therapy, talking, discussing... But while Im being told that we are working on things he begins to start a double life basically. He tells me he won't talk to to her anymore then he has to ( they work together), then find out several times over the last 14 months that he's been talking, texting , videos, pictures, house visits, public outings, and then I love you's, to sleeping over at each other's houses.... I finally caught her one day at his house. He was telling her lies that were divorcing, not seeing each other, not having sex .... So she told him not to speak to her anymore blah blah blah.... 
Stupid me after finding all this out was obviously I furiates but once again attempt to work on our marriage...while he still works with her, for 24 hour shifts, after abit they get comfortable again, text here and there "about work".... Asking him to stop communicating with her has been unbearable and hasn't happened... He just always says we are just friends, but still if I ask will say he does love her... I feel like an idiot because I know I shouldn't have stuck around for this long but I guess I was just waiting for him to finally see what chaos has been caused and for him to actually have his actions match his words. He swears he loves me and wants to be with me and our kids.... But now they both act like I'm being insecure and crazy for thinking they are both crazy.....
Before this our marriage was good, he does have a drinking problem, towards the end we did lack on communication skills- I was stressed with work and school and he started venting his relationship and life problems to this woman he works with. 
I guess my question is- is it possible that I'm being crazy in any of this with my thinking ? 
When I talk to him he tells me that I'm controlling who he can be friends with, and I should be ok with them being friends because he knows that what was once between them isn't acted on now. 
We are divorcing at this point because I've finally reached my breaking point with all this, I look back and just think the day he told me he loved another woman is the day I should have filed for divorce... 😞


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Movingon00 said:


> I'm posting because I really want a man's honest view/opinion on my situation.
> I've been married 18 years, the end of last year right before our 17th wedding anniversary I discovered that my husband had feelings for a woman he worked with, these weren't just feelings of a strong light they were actually feelings of love. I found out that he had been going to her house a few times to help her with things and then a couple of times to just visit. They had been calling and texting everyday throughout the day. I had my suspicions because I had found notes in his work bag from her. He would just say they're just friends, it's nothing. I asked him when I first found out to talk to her about not leaving notes in his work bag and I spoke to him about how I felt it was very disrespectful for her to feel comfortable enough to do something like that. He said he talked to her, she understood how I would feel like that and it wouldn't happen anymore. But it did one more time. So after I found out when he told me that he had feelings for her and did love her that I didn't know what to do. It ended up being arguing everyday and he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore, and it wasn't because of her he was just really confused because we have been together for so long and he's never felt like this before. So I ended up asking him to leave our house like 6 days after I found out. He ended up going and staying somewhere alone. My thought would be that he would see how bad it had hurt me and our marriage and come to the realization that things need to change for us to get back to where we were. Instead he just continued with saying he's so confused and doesn't know what to do, while I'm asking him to talk to me about it and us try to deal with this.
> We begin to have conversations about what we need to do, therapy, talking, discussing... But while Im being told that we are working on things he begins to start a double life basically. He tells me he won't talk to to her anymore then he has to ( they work together), then find out several times over the last 14 months that he's been talking, texting , videos, pictures, house visits, public outings, and then I love you's, to sleeping over at each other's houses.... I finally caught her one day at his house. He was telling her lies that were divorcing, not seeing each other, not having sex .... So she told him not to speak to her anymore blah blah blah....
> Stupid me after finding all this out was obviously I furiates but once again attempt to work on our marriage...while he still works with her, for 24 hour shifts, after abit they get comfortable again, text here and there "about work".... Asking him to stop communicating with her has been unbearable and hasn't happened... He just always says we are just friends, but still if I ask will say he does love her... I feel like an idiot because I know I shouldn't have stuck around for this long but I guess I was just waiting for him to finally see what chaos has been caused and for him to actually have his actions match his words. He swears he loves me and wants to be with me and our kids.... But now they both act like I'm being insecure and crazy for thinking they are both crazy.....
> ...


Welcome to TAM @Movingon00 I'm sorry you're marriage is in the state that it is.

Your question is extremely simple to answer.
"_I guess my question is- is it possible that I'm being crazy in any of this with my thinking ?_"

You are not crazy. Your husband is having an affair and lying to you about all of it. Those red flag behaviors you noted here are telltale signs of an affair in progress. And it is highly likely that it is a physical affair.

My advice to you, if you want a (small) chance to save your marriage, is to see a lawyer immediately and file for divorce.

Your husband may see the light and become truly remorseful, but he may not.

Anything else you do here short of that will end with you being more subject to lying and manipulation, and more pain.


You said this and it's true: "_I look back and just think the day he told me he loved another woman is the day I should have filed for divorce_". You would be better off today if you had. But now you're here, so get angry about this and take action.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

Thank you for your response. I have told him I'm filing, and I thought that would have been the point of saying "I need to get my **** together, this is serious". For him to see what is at stake... But it's just been lie after lie about this other woman. I'm going to file tomorrow because it's been harder for him to dissolve his "friendship" with her, then see his marriage and friendship to me crumble in front of his eyes.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s having sex with this woman and is in love with her, he’s garbage. You need to leave, he’s lying to you.

I am sorry to say this but he chose her. He’s worried about paying you money. Divorce him.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

I believe he has also, they both deny it of course. 
Ughhhh....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're doing what's called pick me dancing, and he sees you as plan B. That's where the "I'm confused" BS comes from...you need to be available if she doesn't work out.

If his trash doesn't work out he'll be back. Think hard about whether you want him back....you'll still be plan B.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

Well the last 3 post responses have been things I have said exactly during this whole situation. I appreciate your response. 
It's just been easy for me to get caught up in my own head, I know my thoughts and feelings are valid but all this chaos and distrust just has me second guessing myself. Absolutely makes me feel crazy. It's nice to hear someone finally agree with me. My husband has been great in making me question the boundaries I've tried to set, like they are just irrational.
Thanks again


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That's what cheaters do.....they all read from the same book. The question isn't whether she's a friend (she's not) or whether you're crazy (you're not) . The question is whether this relationship is acceptable to you.

If you had told him you were going over to a male friend's house do you think he would've been cool with that? I bet not.

Ger rid of this scumbag.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

You're right, he wouldn't have. He told me if the situation was switched he would have left. I just held onto too much false hope. 
Hard to believe someone who loved you and made you feel safe at one point would cause all this havoc, such selfishness. 
Thank you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Movingon00 said:


> I'm going to file tomorrow because it's been harder for him to dissolve his "friendship" with her, then see his marriage and friendship to me crumble in front of his eyes.


What you said is not right.

File for divorce tomorrow because you're married to a lying cheating husband and you deserve better. Period. He _may_ dissolve his friendship with her when you do, but guess what? He's still a lying cheating husband and you still deserve better.

File tomorrow for _yourself_. Get free of this pain and begin to live.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you did hold onto too much false hope but so did I. It took many years for me to let go so you’ve definitely done much better than I did. I know this is devastating — I’ve been there — but I can promise you that there’s a good life to be lived once you’re beyond this. It may take some time but you’ll get there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When this first came to light the agreement should have been that he got another job. It's never going to change if he is seeing her every day at work..


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sorry your here...Your marriage was over before he told you hè loved the other women

Think of all the " decisions " he made to disrespect you behind your back . 

Put down the Hopium pipe and move on.

Definitely file . I'm sure he has already slept with her and will continue 

Best of luck moving forward. Jimi


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

men can be strange , you can get a type of man that is married for a long time and they have drifted apart but still having sex he can become interested in a new woman and start to make a place for this new woman while keeping the old one , some can even move out into a garden shed or rent and think it is good to give everything to the woman and all he needs is this new love interest 

it is as if they have love with the new but the old they have history with and that counts, many cheating men do this , 

now the other woman she knows he is married and it looks like she is happy to take this guy it is why she left the notes in his work bag not for him to find alone but for you to find and push him to the point that it would be make or brake with you , 

I would be suprised if she has not made love with him , as she using all she can to bring him to her 


he is a fool the big question is do you think it is worth all the work to rebuild this relationship


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The marriage that you picture in your head no longer exists even if he did come back to you. That loving trust you had in him as a partner is gone forever. 

You have wasted to much time already …. Get it done.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cut to the chase. Your husband is a lying, cheating, gaslighting alcoholic. 
And you want to be with him. 
Why?


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What you said is not right.
> 
> File for divorce tomorrow because you're married to a lying cheating husband and you deserve better. Period. He _may_ dissolve his friendship with her when you do, but guess what? He's still a lying cheating husband and you still deserve better.
> 
> File tomorrow for _yourself_. Get free of this pain and begin to live.


Perfectly said.


BeyondRepair007 said:


> What you said is not right.
> 
> File for divorce tomorrow because you're married to a lying cheating husband and you deserve better. Period. He _may_ dissolve his friendship with her when you do, but guess what? He's still a lying cheating husband and you still deserve better.
> 
> File tomorrow for _yourself_. Get free of this pain and begin to live.


Perfectly said. I'm definitely trying to change my mindset on all this and it seriously one of the hardest things I've had to do. But you are exactly right. Thank you


Openminded said:


> Yes, you did hold onto too much false hope but so did I. It took many years for me to let go so you’ve definitely done much better than I did. I know this is devastating — I’ve been there — but I can promise you that there’s a good life to be lived once you’re beyond this. It may take some time but you’ll get there.


It's so hard, I know I took the long way around with this. With every lie I found I just kept thinking- ok, this is it. Because why would someone who swears they love you so much hurt you on purpose right? But I know I'm holding onto what was.
Thank you


Diana7 said:


> When this first came to light the agreement should have been that he got another job. It's never going to change if he is seeing her every day at work..


I did ask him to get a new job and he said he can't make money anywhere else doing what he does at his current job. I asked him to atleast switch shifts so they weren't together but he didn't want to cause stress on others at work who would then have to shift their schedules around. It's been crazy


Jimi007 said:


> Sorry your here...Your marriage was over before he told you hè loved the other women
> 
> Think of all the " decisions " he made to disrespect you behind your back .
> 
> ...


Yes I believe you are right, one of the many things I'll never know, but still doesn't change any of the things I do know. You are right. Thank you.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Cut to the chase. Your husband is a lying, cheating, gaslighting alcoholic.
> And you want to be with him.
> Why?


I ask myself that question also, I can say I don't want to be with him at this point because there's absolutely no trust, and no respect. I don't believe someone can love another person and consciously hurt them.. repeatedly. 
Easy to get stuck on how we once we're and where I thought we would go. But you are right


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> The marriage that you picture in your head no longer exists even if he did come back to you. That loving trust you had in him as a partner is gone forever.
> 
> You have wasted to much time already …. Get it done.


I agree 100%


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

The only mistake you made you dragged it for too long. When you husband refused to acknowledge he had an affair you should have realized at that point your marriage was over.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> men can be strange , you can get a type of man that is married for a long time and they have drifted apart but still having sex he can become interested in a new woman and start to make a place for this new woman while keeping the old one , some can even move out into a garden shed or rent and think it is good to give everything to the woman and all he needs is this new love interest
> 
> it is as if they have love with the new but the old they have history with and that counts, many cheating men do this ,
> 
> ...


No I do not. Too much has been ruined and I wouldn't trust him if he told me the sky was blue at this point. I know I need to get over this hump and things may get a bit easier, but I still feel like there's no end in site yet.... I believe me filing for divorce will be eye opening for both of us. 
I know I deserve someone who will be respectful of me and whom I can trust but geez that seems like something that will never happen, only because I know my walls are are built so high right now. Trusting someone else at some point down the road sounds like torment.
Tha k you for your response.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> The only mistake you made you dragged it for too long. When you husband refused to acknowledge he had an affair you should have realized at that point your marriage was over.


Completely agree


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You're not crazy (except for not giving him the boot earlier).
He's gaslighting you to make you believe you are so he can have his cake and eat it too. It's all very common cheater behavior.


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## Movingon00 (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You're not crazy (except for not giving him the boot earlier).
> He's gaslighting you to make you believe you are so he can have his cake and eat it too. It's all very common cheater behavior.


Yes I agree. It has definitely made me feel like I've been going crazy and kept me second guessing myself


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Movingon00 said:


> Yes I agree. It has definitely made me feel like I've been going crazy and kept me second guessing myself


 That was his plan.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You sound like a caring and lovely woman....but your head is in the clouds.

I could dissect all of what you posted but it's really not necessary. It really always boils down to one thing. And btw, this isn't a "slip up" or a drunken misbehavior. He's moved on emotionally and has done so, because he doesn't value you enough to risk losing you. 

Just forget everything else, and think hard about what I said. Are you good with that? I hope not. 

I am sorry and hope you get some clarity. If you don't have kids, it's really not that scary or bad as you think.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

YOu need to expose this to his employer/HR. Blow their fantasy world apart.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Movingon00 said:


> I guess my question is- is it possible that I'm being crazy in any of this with my thinking ?


No you aren't the "crazy one". What your husband has been telling you is "gaslighting", original from an old movie called "Gaslight". 

Very sorry you are in this spot, but once a person transfers their love to another, it isn't coming back for a spouse.



Movingon00 said:


> I look back and just think the day he told me he loved another woman is the day I should have filed for divorce...


Yes, that is what you should have done. Better late than never.


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