# Wife just assaulted me again



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Less than ten minutes ago, my wife physically assaulted me again. I'm sick and tired of it. She hit me repeatedly with a block of ice, and I think she has done something to my elbow - it's painful, and there's a lump appearing. 

I have posted about our relationship before. Since I last posted, we went to MC, and my wife is going to talk to her psych about mood stabilisers. MC actually went well, and I even enjoyed it, because it is a relief to talk about certain things and have a 'neutral party' tell you that you're not insane and that you might even have a point. Although my wife still tried to bring up our counselling session as 'evidence against me' when we were arguing just now, which upsets me greatly, because I always feel it is such a betrayal when she invokes her therapist(s) as 'witnesses for the prosecution', especially as their 'evidence' is so innocuous ("Yeah, well, the therapist said that you need to learn to communicate better!", "Errrmmm, yes, I know. I was there."). 

Sorry, I'm just venting. My elbow is quite painful, I think she might have done some actual damage this time. I don't know what to do. I do love her, and she is making an effort, by talking to her psych, and going to MC, although tbh I think she only wants to go to MC to talk about my misdeeds and get what she wants - I know that's very unfair and I shouldn't say that. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go to the next MC appointment, I just..........I hate the way she always justifies it. 'Good', is what she says, when I say she has hurt me. Should I continue to go to marriage counselling? I feel like I should just leave. I'm not sure I can tolerate this any more.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Get your cell phone handy.

Begin recording.

Call 911.

Report her for domestic assault.

Keep the phone recording in case she sees you do it and starts to hit herself to frame you, or to hit you again.

DO IT NOW. 

Nobody deserves this.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Call a domestic abuse hotline to talk to someone. You need to be safe. Next time she could hit you over the head with the block of ice, and instead of maybe a fractured elbow you'll have a permanent brain injury.

Just because she is in some kind of treatment does not excuse her for currently abusing you.

Do what Farside said next time she starts going off the rails. Record her and dial 911.

If you think there is real damage to your elbow beyond just a simple bruise, go see a doctor.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

The first time I was hit by my X I should have called it quits right there. I see a very rough path for you if you stay with her.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hitters escalate over time because it takes more and more to satisfy that need to hurt. It's a cycle. And it will only get worse. Are you willing to risk it?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Go to walk-in/emergency and have it checked out and report it as domestic violence... they are obligated to call the police for a report.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Thor said:


> Call a domestic abuse hotline to talk to someone. You need to be safe. Next time she could hit you over the head with the block of ice, and instead of maybe a fractured elbow you'll have a permanent brain injury.
> 
> Just because she is in some kind of treatment does not excuse her for currently abusing you.


I said this too, that next time she will probably hit me over the head, and might kill me. Her response was that she'd probably get off by pleading that she needs ongoing treatment, which is not exactly what you want to hear after you've just pointed out to someone that their physical assaulting of you keeps escalating. 

She just won't take any responsibility for it. As far as she is concerned, she is the innocent victim, and she only lashes out at me because I "deserve it" because........I'm a bad communicator, or because 2 years ago I told her about a co-worker having a crush on me. I try and get through to her that I actively, indeed desperately, encourage her to say these things to someone other than me (marriage counsellor, police, random strangers) and see how righteous they think she is. 

The other day she noticed a bruise on my back, and asked me how I got it, and I said probably when she'd thrown something at me (which is almost certainly how I got it), and then she acted indignant, like _I_ was the a-hole for saying that. 

I do worry that either she is seriously mentally ill, or I am. She is utterly convinced (and convincing) when she says these things. I guess I'll either figure out how to leave her or I'll just get my brains bashed in, lol.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The sex must be mind blowing to put up with crazy. Please tell us it is? How much sex are you getting?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Going by your threads your wife is seriously mentally ill and not a fit spouse for anyone. It's a short marriage. Report the abuse and file.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What do you want? As long as you stay with her she is going to assault you. It's not rocket science and you don't need a message board to tell you that. Water is wet, put your hand in a fire and you get burned. What else is there to say really?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> The sex must be mind blowing to put up with crazy. Please tell us it is? How much sex are you getting?


Zero. I'm too traumatised.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

sokillme said:


> What do you want? As long as you stay with her she is going to assault you. It's not rocket science and you don't need a message board to tell you that. Water is wet, put your hand in a fire and you get burned. What else is there to say really?


Nothing. I just come here to vent, because I have no-one else to talk to and feel like I'm going insane.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't just talk to us. Talk to the police!


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> Nothing. I just come here to vent, because I have no-one else to talk to and feel like I'm going insane.


If your wife does leave you with a brain injury and gets off with it as she says,will she spend the rest of her life looking after you.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> If your wife does leave you with a brain injury and gets off with it as she says,will she spend the rest of her life looking after you.


I'm not a legal expert, but I doubt it, although I might say that to her!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> Nothing. I just come here to vent, because I have no-one else to talk to and feel like I'm going insane.


You know there is going to come a point where it's too much for you to take or someone gets seriously hurt right? You are doing yourself and even your wife no favors by doing nothing.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You know there is going to come a point where it's too much for you to take or someone gets seriously hurt right? You are doing yourself and even your wife no favors by doing nothing.


Sigh. Yeah, I know. I know I should just leave her. But I feel responsible for her. She struggles. She has a lot of problems. I do love her. I just can't live like this any more. I try and tell her that she has to learn to control herself, but the problem I think, is that she doesn't truly feel like she has done anything wrong, she is so certain that I am the bad guy. Thank you for responding, I do start to feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and it does help me.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

So, what are you going to do THIS WEEK to change your life?

What assets do you two have together? Any children? Renting or own a house? Let's get a game plan. 

There are people out there dealing with much worst situations. This isn't a hard problem to solve at all. You just need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. It appears you are almost there.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's not you that's crazy -- it's her -- and you need to get out while you can. She's not going to stop. 

Hitters like to hit. It gives them a strong sense of power that they can continue to escalate and get away with it. When they sometimes end up killing the person they claim they love they always say they didn't mean to. And maybe they really didn't mean to but they kept escalating until they did. 

That could be you one day.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'm not a legal expert, but I doubt it, although I might say that to her!


Another question for you about your wife's disgusting behaviour.If she attacks you and you are forced to defend yourself and she calls the cops.Who do you think will be arrested and forced to leave the family home.You will be left with a criminal record that will affect your future job prospects and she will come out smelling of roses.
If anyone hits you call the cops.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you haven't read any books about being codependent, you should -- because you are.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> Sigh. Yeah, I know. I know I should just leave her. But I feel responsible for her. She struggles. She has a lot of problems. I do love her. I just can't live like this any more. I try and tell her that she has to learn to control herself, but the problem I think, is that she doesn't truly feel like she has done anything wrong, she is so certain that I am the bad guy. Thank you for responding, I do start to feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and it does help me.


Well staying doesn't seem to be working does it? The truth is only she can help herself. Say she seriously hurts you and gets in trouble with the law then besides dealing with the physical fallout, you will face much of the consequence at least financially and possibly emotionally that she does. At that point you will be powerless to help her anyway. It's probably not if but more when.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Openminded said:


> If you haven't read any books about being codependent, you should -- because you are.


I know, I haven't read any books about it, but I am aware of it. I enable her in more ways than just tolerating physical abuse, it's not healthy.


----------



## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> But I feel responsible for her. She struggles. She has a lot of problems. I do love her.


This is your problem right here. You can't fix other people for them. They'll just drag you down with them into a whole world of ****. 

This creature has abused you multiple times. It's time to stop giving a turd about what she thinks/feels/cares about and worry about you.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> So, what are you going to do THIS WEEK to change your life?
> 
> What assets do you two have together? Any children? Renting or own a house? Let's get a game plan.
> 
> There are people out there dealing with much worst situations. This isn't a hard problem to solve at all. You just need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. It appears you are almost there.


We're actually booked into a marriage counselling session on tuesday, and my wife has an appointment with her psychiatrist, I think. But it is probably better if I just leave. I have been investigating it. Looking at the situation dispassionately, I should just pack my bags and go. 

We don't have any joint assets, no kids, and our joint-account she unilaterally closed down without talking to me, in a fit of temper. There are many people dealing with many worse things, in fact, most people on these forums are in worse shape than I am, my biggest concern is for her. I don't think she can cope. But I think my options might be either to find a way to leave her, or to just continue to accept the abuse until I get seriously hurt. So, it's not much of a choice at all.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife is an abuser. Everyone has a backstory, everyone has issues. There is no excuse for the abuse you are tolerating. And it's not love, it's co-dependency. You may think you love her, but love doesn't look remotely like this. She doesn't love you, either. This is a classic toxic relationship dynamic where she is an abuser, and you are her victim. 

Please leave and divorce her. She knows exactly what she's doing. And the only way it will stop, is for you to leave her.

No one should be in this type of abusive mess. I'm sorry this is going on, but only you can stop it.  

This is way beyond marriage counseling.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> Nothing. I just come here to vent, because I have no-one else to talk to and feel like I'm going insane.


This is why you should call a domestic abuse hotline right this very moment. You need to talk to someone who is experienced in talking to abuse victims. You need to hear the voice of the other person, not just read anonymous words on a screen. Worst case is you talk to them once and then hang up. Best case is you get some help to stop being victimized.

Call right now. You'll feel better for doing it. You don't deserve to be physically assaulted.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

And no amount of ''great mind blowing sex'' is worth being abused over. Lots of abusive relationships have that as part of their dynamic too...as if great sex is the prize for putting up with so much abuse. PLEASE...FIND A WAY TO LEAVE THIS SITUATION. It will be incredibly hard, but better than living in fear every day.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> And no amount of ''great mind blowing sex'' is worth being abused over. Lots of abusive relationships have that as part of their dynamic too...as if great sex is the prize for putting up with so much abuse. PLEASE...FIND A WAY TO LEAVE THIS SITUATION. It will be incredibly hard, but better than living in fear every day.


If only that were so, in fact the opposite is true, that's what we started arguing about in the first place. My wife is almost viscerally opposed to me experiencing sexual pleasure, she talks as if by pleasing me sexually she is somehow betraying women everywhere, or something. This is what caused the argument. We were looking at sexy games for sale online, and she was fulminating against how they're all about male pleasure. I pointed out that most of the items for sale were actually sex toys for women. She said "do I sound like an annoying femi-nazi?" and I said "A bit, yes". I even tried to make up with her afterwards, but here we are, assault with a block of ice, and apparently I deserve it.


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

My wife was fairly violent in her day, she took to hitting me when she couldn't talk any more, she is now gone and good riddance. Please don't make my mistake of explaining away the bruises and cuts, get her to **** now, this will only get worse my friend, take it from me, her behaviour will worsen, you will get mistreated and one day she will leave you any way, better you act before it is too late. Get that elbow looked at today.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. She has no reason to change. You're still there. 

For her to get better - as you say you want - she has to have a reason. Move out, while she's not there, and then tell her that you'll still consider getting back together, but only after she's gone to a LOT of therapy and fixed her anger issue. Tell her you'll go to her psychiatrist with her and talk about it so he/she can better help her, but aside from that, if she doesn't want to work toward R, you'll just move on and wish her well.

btw, is she really seeing a psychiatrist? Not a psychologist? IME, psychiatrists don't usually do much therapy - only moderate behavior with meds. I'd check into it if I were you. If nothing else, call her psychiatrist and tell him what she's been doing; I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell him that she beats you. He'll be obligated to tell her that you called him, but at least it will show her you're not accepting that status quo anymore. And it might give you a big enough blowup - that you will be recording, right? - to give you a reason to leave. You can help her from another home.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> If only that were so, in fact the opposite is true, that's what we started arguing about in the first place. My wife is almost viscerally opposed to me experiencing sexual pleasure, she talks as if by pleasing me sexually she is somehow betraying women everywhere, or something. This is what caused the argument. We were looking at sexy games for sale online, and she was fulminating against how they're all about male pleasure. I pointed out that most of the items for sale were actually sex toys for women. She said "do I sound like an annoying femi-nazi?" and I said "A bit, yes". I even tried to make up with her afterwards, but here we are, assault with a block of ice, and apparently I deserve it.


Forget the politically correct tone of this thread for a while and listen.Your wife is a ****ing nutcase and one of these days it will be a hammer or a knife she attacks you with.Get out now and you might,just might shock her into getting the treatment that she so urgently needs.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vauxhall101 said:


> Less than ten minutes ago, my wife physically assaulted me again. I'm sick and tired of it. She hit me repeatedly with a block of ice, and I think she has done something to my elbow - it's painful, and there's a lump appearing.
> 
> I have posted about our relationship before. Since I last posted, we went to MC, and my wife is going to talk to her psych about mood stabilisers. MC actually went well, and I even enjoyed it, because it is a relief to talk about certain things and have a 'neutral party' tell you that you're not insane and that you might even have a point. Although my wife still tried to bring up our counselling session as 'evidence against me' when we were arguing just now, which upsets me greatly, because I always feel it is such a betrayal when she invokes her therapist(s) as 'witnesses for the prosecution', especially as their 'evidence' is so innocuous ("Yeah, well, the therapist said that you need to learn to communicate better!", "Errrmmm, yes, I know. I was there.").
> 
> ...


I am sorry Vauxhall, you need to stop this once and for all, as others advised have her charged for assault. Because you are male, people are reticent to call abuse what it is. You are being physically abused, you need to put distance and time between you and your violent wife asap. I would suggest you tell her this is the last time she touches you, the next time, you will call the police and have her charged for physical assault. She crosses the line again, you will also be filing for divorce. 
Time to take charge, and stop making excuses for her, I don't care if she is stark raving mad, there is no excuse, she should be locked up if she is unable to control herself.

Go to the appointment with your MC and tell the MC exactly what she has done, I guess you have been covering for her? I can see it in your post, stop covering for her, let her bear the full brunt of her actions, there has to be consequences. Only you can ensure this.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> If only that were so, in fact the opposite is true, that's what we started arguing about in the first place. My wife is almost viscerally opposed to me experiencing sexual pleasure, she talks as if by pleasing me sexually she is somehow betraying women everywhere, or something. This is what caused the argument. We were looking at sexy games for sale online, and she was fulminating against how they're all about male pleasure. I pointed out that most of the items for sale were actually sex toys for women. She said "do I sound like an annoying femi-nazi?" and I said "A bit, yes". I even tried to make up with her afterwards, but here we are, assault with a block of ice, and apparently I deserve it.


Your wife likely has a personality disorder, and those people rarely if ever, change. At this point, what do you plan to do? The truth of abusive relationships is that the abuser usually picks someone that tolerates the abuse. You tolerating her abuse, is about you...not about her. You have to figure out why you stay, why you put up with it. It's not love. Do you love yourself? The fact that you feel obligated to take care of an abuser, is what you have to figure out. I was in an abusive relationship before I got married, and it took a while for me to 'get' this. But, I had to change. I had to learn to respect myself, and until you do that...you'll keep convincing yourself to stay.

Your wife is an abuser, and this will be your whole life, if you don't leave.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> Sigh. Yeah, I know. I know I should just leave her. But I feel responsible for her. She struggles. She has a lot of problems. I do love her. I just can't live like this any more. I try and tell her that she has to learn to control herself, but the problem I think, is that she doesn't truly feel like she has done anything wrong, she is so certain that I am the bad guy. Thank you for responding, I do start to feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and it does help me.


Your wife has not and will not change because she does not need to. She physically and emotionally abuse her and you do nothing really to stop it. You allow it.

Going to marriage counseling will not change her as you have seen. Instead it gives her ammo against you.

Her going to a psychiatrist is not helping because it's not addressing her anger and abuse. In her mind she turns that against you too.

Your wife will not stop the abuse until one of two things happen:

1) You leave her. Then she stops abusing you because you are not there, not because she has addressed her issues. This is the route that you should be taking because your life is in danger.

2) You dial 911, get the police out there and have her charged with domestic violence. Or you go to the emergency room (which you need to do) to get your elbow checked out and you tell the doctor that your wife beat you with a block of ice. 

If you tell the doctor, they are required by law to report the domestic violence to the police. The police will then charge her with domestic violence.

Go get some photos of the block of ice before it melts and the 'weapon' is gone.

If you are going to stay with her even though she physically abuses you, this is the route you need to take. She will not stop the abuse until some authority figure is involved and she comes to realize that there are consequences to her violence. She should be convicted of DV and ordered to take anger management classes.

Plus, if she is charged and convicted of DV, she will no longer be able to lie to her psychiatrist about her DV.​
Somehow you do not realize that what your wife did is attempted murder. This is not just a spat. Had she hit your head instead of your elbow you could very well be dead now.

I know a woman who accidently killed her husband by hitting him in the head with old rotary phone. One hit and he was gone. She's in prison for murder now. What your wife did it not "just hit you". She hit you with a weapon that could have killed you. Ice is equivalent to a rock... it's not just some water.

You are clearly co-dependent, dangerously co-dependent. Co-dependency is when you put the needs of your spouse ahead of your own to your own detriment. Codependents often destroy themselves while doing this. You are destroying yourself by staying with this woman. Here is a book that you really need to read and follow.

Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

I'm going to suggest that you take a very hard stance on this.... call 911 and get the police out there. Get pictures of the block of ice before it melts. 

Get a restraining order against her so that she cannot come back to your home.

Then divorce her. Seriously man, you should not be tolerating this behavior. You should never allow someone to physically assault you like that. Protect yourself.

I forget, do you have children?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Forget the politically correct tone of this thread for a while and listen.Your wife is a ****ing nutcase and one of these days it will be a hammer or a knife she attacks you with.Get out now and you might,just might shock her into getting the treatment that she so urgently needs.


YEP...

and a block of ice large enough to hurt his elbow seriously is large enough to kill him if he had been hit in the head. Ice is a rock.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aine said:


> I am sorry Vauxhall, you need to stop this once and for all, as others advised have her charged for assault. Because you are male, people are reticent to call abuse what it is. You are being physically abused, you need to put distance and time between you and your violent wife asap. *I would suggest you tell her this is the last time she touches you, the next time, you will call the police and have her charged for physical assault. She crosses the line again, you will also be filing for divorce. *
> 
> Time to take charge, and stop making excuses for her, I don't care if she is stark raving mad, there is no excuse, she should be locked up if she is unable to control herself.
> 
> Go to the appointment with your MC and tell the MC exactly what she has done, I guess you have been covering for her? I can see it in your post, stop covering for her, let her bear the full brunt of her actions, there has to be consequences. Only you can ensure this.


I'm addressing this here, not to hassle you but to make a point to Vauxhall. 

Don't give her this next-time warning. All that is doing is telling her that she can abuse you more. Vauxhall your pattern is that you bluster a lot about her abusing you but you do NOTHING about it. So if you give her a next-time warning, she's going to take it as you just blustering some more. She will not take it serious.

Instead ACT, DO SOMETHING this time.

Call the police NOW. 
Have her charged NOW and removed from your home NOW.
Go to the emergency room right after the police leave NOW.
Get a restraining order against her so she cannot come but to the house NOW.

She could have killed you. Please let that sink in.

.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> Here's the thing. She has no reason to change. You're still there.
> 
> For her to get better - as you say you want - she has to have a reason. Move out, while she's not there, and then tell her that you'll still consider getting back together, but only after she's gone to a LOT of therapy and fixed her anger issue. Tell her you'll go to her psychiatrist with her and talk about it so he/she can better help her, but aside from that, if she doesn't want to work toward R, you'll just move on and wish her well.
> 
> btw, is she really seeing a psychiatrist? Not a psychologist? IME, psychiatrists don't usually do much therapy - only moderate behavior with meds. I'd check into it if I were you. If nothing else, call her psychiatrist and tell him what she's been doing; I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell him that she beats you. He'll be obligated to tell her that you called him, but at least it will show her you're not accepting that status quo anymore. And it might give you a big enough blowup - that you will be recording, right? - to give you a reason to leave. You can help her from another home.


I think you're right, I should just move out while she's not here (or asleep), and then let her decide for herself, I have said to her before after any of our innumerable break-ups, that she can always talk to me, I will always try and help her as best I can. 

Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist for herself, the marriage counsellor is a psychologist. She has had one appointment with her current psychiatrist, I went with her (but sat in the waiting room), he did tell her that she and I should both keep a diary of how she behaves, and I have considered contacting him. I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell these professionals the full truth either - when she is in full-on assault mode, eyes blazing, telling me that any right thinking person would know that she is the victim and I deserve to be assaulted, I often respond that I wish she would say this to someone else (anyone), and see what they say. Because she really does seem so convinced how obvious it is that I am a horrible person and that she is the martyr who has to tolerate me. 

I suppose I do 'cover' for her, although we have only had one marriage counselling session. I didn't mention the physical assaults, but I did talk about her verbally attacking me, often with zero provocation.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All you have to do right now is go to Emergency Care and get your elbow taken care of. Tell them the truth, show her your back from the last hit. They will take the next step FOR you.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

CALL THE COPS NOW!!!!!! Not tomorrow bleeding morning. NOW!!!!!


BEFORE you type another word!!


Get her abuse of you and assault on you on record TODAY!!


If you don't she WILL flip the dynamic onto you.

She will call the cops and claim you assaulted her and guess what? THEY will believe HER! She will do the DARVO in front of the cops and you my friend will be in one great stinky sh*t-hole of legal trouble.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I think you're right, I should just move out while she's not here (or asleep), and then let her decide for herself, I have said to her before after any of our innumerable break-ups, that she can always talk to me, I will always try and help her as best I can.
> 
> Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist for herself, the marriage counsellor is a psychologist. She has had one appointment with her current psychiatrist, I went with her (but sat in the waiting room), he did tell her that she and I should both keep a diary of how she behaves, and I have considered contacting him. I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell these professionals the full truth either - when she is in full-on assault mode, eyes blazing, telling me that any right thinking person would know that she is the victim and I deserve to be assaulted, I often respond that I wish she would say this to someone else (anyone), and see what they say. Because she really does seem so convinced how obvious it is that I am a horrible person and that she is the martyr who has to tolerate me.
> 
> I suppose I do 'cover' for her, although we have only had one marriage counselling session. I didn't mention the physical assaults, but I did talk about her verbally attacking me, often with zero provocation.


You judge someone by their actions not their words.
She has shown you by her actions that she has no respect for you or your opinion.
Meanwhile you keep talking.
How's that working out for you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> All you have to do right now is go to Emergency Care and get your elbow taken care of. Tell them the truth, show her your back from the last hit. They will take the next step FOR you.


Please do this NOW. 

I'm really concerned about you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, one thing that going to the emergency room now and letting the doctor/staff do the reporting will do is put on record that you were injured and she is not injured.

The fact that you are injured and there is a record of it will have to police looking at her.

The record of the injury is very important.


Does you wife act out in public? Does she attack people when she's out and about in public? Does she have a job? If so does she attack people at work? Of course she does not, she'd already be in prison if she did.

What this tells you is that your wife has 100% control over her behavior. She knows where she can get away with violent behavior... at home, behind closed doors, with you.

She knows exactly what she is doing. It's her way of keeping control of the relationship and you.

If, during a fight, you were to leave, would she do anything like follow you in her car, try to cut your off, etc? Does she make a scene outside the home if you try to get away from her?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What is preventing you from calling the police RIGHT NOW? This very minute?

WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO TAKE THIS STEP?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vauxhall101 said:


> I think you're right, I should just move out while she's not here (or asleep), and then let her decide for herself, I have said to her before after any of our innumerable break-ups, that she can always talk to me, I will always try and help her as best I can.
> 
> Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist for herself, the marriage counsellor is a psychologist. She has had one appointment with her current psychiatrist, I went with her (but sat in the waiting room), he did tell her that she and I should both keep a diary of how she behaves, and I have considered contacting him. I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell these professionals the full truth either - when she is in full-on assault mode, eyes blazing, telling me that any right thinking person would know that she is the victim and I deserve to be assaulted, I often respond that I wish she would say this to someone else (anyone), and see what they say. Because she really does seem so convinced how obvious it is that I am a horrible person and that she is the martyr who has to tolerate me.
> 
> I suppose I do 'cover' for her, although we have only had one marriage counselling session. I didn't mention the physical assaults, but I did talk about her verbally attacking me, often with zero provocation.


Elle, is right, just get out, there may not be another time, when you can get out.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> What is preventing you from calling the police RIGHT NOW? This very minute?
> 
> WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO TAKE THIS STEP?


Speaking as someone who was formerly physically abused, I can tell you why: He is afraid because if he says anything he'll be hit! 

I'm not kidding around: when you are physically abused, mental and emotional abuse go with it hand-in-hand and part of your head does think "Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I could have said it better or been nicer about it." 

So @vauxhall101 here's my best advice for you. Go to a doctor. Take some sort of medical care of yourself. Even if you are afraid of what she may think or do, and even if part of you thinks that maybe you deserved it for saying something in a bad tone of voice, you and I and everyone here knows that if a person is injured, the way to take care of it is to go to a doctor and see what may need to be done to fix the injury. That's not about her at all--it's all about YOU and taking care of whatever may have been done to your elbow. 

Next step is that while you are at the doctor, go ahead and be honest. Don't make up a story how you got that injury--let them know you were hit with an ice block, and show the doc a photo of the ice block that hit you. If you just tell them the truth, they can treat you the best way possible, but if you lie to cover up for her, you do the doc a disservice because they can't treat you properly, and actually you do HER a disservice because she will not be able to get the help she really needs either! So just tell the truth. You don't have to be all "My girlfriend beats me up and it's domestic violence" because saying it like that can be embarrassing. But when they ask you "How did this happen?" you can answer truthfully: "My girlfriend and I were arguing and she picked up this ice block (show them a pic on your phone) and she hit my arm with it, and ever since then it has hurt, and there's a lump and a bruise, and I can't move it right." 

Trust me...they will take it from there. And trust them. They are medical professionals. Their whole job is to help people with physical injuries and ailments, and to help people heal. They will help you, and all you need to do is let someone help you. 

Okay? You can do this. If you don't want to go to an emergency room (because they are expensive) go to an urgent care. Call your primary care provider and see if they have a quick care place they want you to go to. It's okay to TAKE CARE OF YOUR INJURY. Just do that, and then let others do their part. Okay?


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Uh........Dude. Leave, file, don't look back. Find your cojones.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I don't know what to do.


Yes you do.

You're just too afraid and too co-dependent to do it.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

vauxhall101 said:


> I think you're right, I should just move out while she's not here (or asleep), and then let her decide for herself, I have said to her before after any of our innumerable break-ups, that she can always talk to me, I will always try and help her as best I can.
> 
> Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist for herself, the marriage counsellor is a psychologist. She has had one appointment with her current psychiatrist, I went with her (but sat in the waiting room), he did tell her that she and I should both keep a diary of how she behaves, and I have considered contacting him. I'm pretty sure she doesn't tell these professionals the full truth either - when she is in full-on assault mode, eyes blazing, telling me that any right thinking person would know that she is the victim and I deserve to be assaulted, I often respond that I wish she would say this to someone else (anyone), and see what they say. Because she really does seem so convinced how obvious it is that I am a horrible person and that she is the martyr who has to tolerate me.
> 
> I suppose I do 'cover' for her, although we have only had one marriage counselling session. I didn't mention the physical assaults, but I did talk about her verbally attacking me, often with zero provocation.


Marriage counseling and a couple of appointments with a psychiatrist aren't going to stop her. She needs long term help and you won't survive long enough. 

She has to truly want help and fix her anger problems and she doesnt. This is the realization you need to come to. 

A good ffiend of mine was in an abusive relationship like this, eventually she escalated and whacked him with a cast iron frying pan. It crushed his nose, destroyed his eye socket and he spent quite a bit of time in the hospital. He was late for dinner so he deserved it......she has never changed, on husband number 3 now. First 2 waited till they got put in the hospital before they divorced. How long before number 3 learns the lesson the first 2 did.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you go to the doctor?


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Call the police. File a complaint. Have her hauled away and let her spend the night in jail. Seriously.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Call the police...this is domestic assault.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to see a psychologist. No normal person would stay in this.

Jeeze


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 
It is hard to leave. Those that haven't been there won't get it. Just leave, seems so simple. It is and it's not. 

It's not like abusers hit you on your first date. It's a slow, gradual build up of abuse. The frog in the boiling water scenario. 

Nothing will fix her. She may act good for a while, you'll think it's solved and it will happen again. She will not change. You will always worry when the next time is. 

This isn't your fault. Leave carefully and with as much support as you can get. Call the police to be there when you take your stuff. Keep a VAR on you to make sure she doesn't accuse you of things you didn't do and you have proof of her if needed.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I would still call the cops....They should be able to do a 72 hour mental health hold.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@vauxhall101

How are you doing? What's up?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

vauxhall101 said:


> If only that were so, in fact the opposite is true, that's what we started arguing about in the first place. My wife is almost viscerally opposed to me experiencing sexual pleasure, she talks as if by pleasing me sexually she is somehow betraying women everywhere, or something. This is what caused the argument. We were looking at sexy games for sale online, and she was fulminating against how they're all about male pleasure. I pointed out that most of the items for sale were actually sex toys for women. She said "do I sound like an annoying femi-nazi?" and I said "A bit, yes". I even tried to make up with her afterwards, but here we are, assault with a block of ice, and apparently I deserve it.


I've met a few women like this and they are terrible. She baited you and you fell for it.
You know what? There are strong women out there who are positive role models, live constructive lives, are for equality for everyone, want empowerment for women, enjoy sex, pleasing them and they do not beat their spouses.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Does you wife act out in public? Does she attack people when she's out and about in public? Does she have a job? If so does she attack people at work? Of course she does not, she'd already be in prison if she did.
> 
> What this tells you is that your wife has 100% control over her behavior. She knows where she can get away with violent behavior... at home, behind closed doors, with you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your concern, I have pointed this out to her myself, that she is perfectly capable of controlling herself, because she never behaves this way towards anyone else, and our marriage counsellor even commented on this, that she seems so quiet and delicate, it's difficult to imagine her losing her rag. She has only once 'acted out' in public, that was just the usual shoving behaviour. 

One of the main reasons I don't report it to the police, is that we don't live in the UK or the US, and I doubt the local police would be interested (something my wife has pointed out when I threatened to report her), and I don't speak the language. I have taken pictures of bruises she has given me before. 

She was distraught last night, keeping me awake talking, saying it's not her fault because (she's mentally ill/I'm an a-hole/fill in the blank). Although she did actually take some responsibility for it, finally. She wanted me to take her to see her psychiatrist today, I don't know if she still does, she said she was going to cancel the appointment because there's "no point" if I'm going to leave her. 

It's so difficult for me not to conclude that you're right, and something that I have said to her, is that she is perfectly capable of controlling herself. She just chooses not to. Any little tiny minor thing pisses her off, and she brings out the "rap sheet" of my "offences", and there's physical and verbal assault. She seems to view our marriage as her opportunity to punish me, she almost said as much to me yesterday. I'll just have to leave and do the best I can, I guess.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are you helping HER and not YOURSELF? 

The majority of people recommended you go to the ER right away and you've completely ignored it from what I can tell. 

Do you want help or not? Guess what? The real help comes from YOU, not us. We can't drive you there. Wake up.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I know you claim to love her but why? Any positive traits she has are washed away when she assaults you and then blames you or her "illness" for the assault. This will NEVER be a normal relationship, NEVER. Are you OK with that? Are you OK with walking on eggshells and the ensuing drama that results when she gets angry? For the rest of your life? How about when you have kids and she turns that anger on them? You OK with that? If you are, if you think she's worth it then your normal meter is badly broken and your problems are just as bad as hers. 

RUN


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So go to her psychiatrist with her and tell him the truth - that she's either an abuser or mentally ill.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's looking for an excuse to hit you and it will continue to escalate until you get out. Or something really bad happens and she's arrested. If you're so concerned about her, think about the impact of her being tossed in jail because she seriously injured you -- or worse. 

Now she's trying to manipulate you through guilt by saying why should she try to get better if you're going to leave her. Your first thought needs to be self-preservation -- for you -- and not focusing on her problems. They're hers to handle. Whether she gets better or not is on her -- not you. 

Leave.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How exactly did you get yourself in this position? Why do you live in a place where you can't speak the language and have therefore isolated yourself from everyone? Are you financially dependent upon her? 

If I were you, I pack up whatever things I just couldn't live without and catch the first flight back to where I came from. Mentally ill people don't improve unless they are driven from their own desire to get better. Nothing you have written indicates that she even recognizes that this is a problem, let alone has any real desire to change. 

As written above, you really haven't offered any specifics regarding what is lovable about her. Are you sure it's love keeping you there or fear of change/being alone? Has her abuse convinced you that you are not worthy of a healthy relationship?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> How exactly did you get yourself in this position? Why do you live in a place where you can't speak the language and have therefore isolated yourself from everyone? Are you financially dependent upon her?


1. It's complicated 2. It's complicated 3. No. 



zookeeper said:


> If I were you, I pack up whatever things I just couldn't live without and catch the first flight back to where I came from. Mentally ill people don't improve unless they are driven from their own desire to get better. Nothing you have written indicates that she even recognizes that this is a problem, let alone has any real desire to change.
> 
> As written above, you really haven't offered any specifics regarding what is lovable about her. Are you sure it's love keeping you there or fear of change/being alone? Has her abuse convinced you that you are not worthy of a healthy relationship?


If you met her, you would be astonished to learn that she is capable of behaving this way. Our marriage counsellor said this, just about my wife attacking me verbally, that the MC finds it difficult to imagine her behaving in this way, and that was without mentioning the physical assaults. My wife can be very sweet, kind, funny and sincerely empathetic. 90% of the time. Then 10% of the time, something, no matter how minor, sets her off, and she's a petulant, snarling, abusive nightmare. 

Somebody else asked about caregiving and me not believing myself worthy of a healthy relationship, and our MC did refer to me as my wife's "nurse". My mother was a chronic alcoholic who I had to spend many years looking after until she committed suicide, if that answers the question!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

But you're being 100% abused and physically injured by her. Just because she's all amazing 90% of the time doesn't somehow make it less bad that 10% of the time she is injuring you.

The most important thing is your own safety. Both your physical and psychological safety. Which means removing yourself from the abuse.

If you live in a place where, as a male, you're just not going to get any support from the authorities then you just leave. You can choose not to file charges with the police. You can choose not to inform the doctor how you got the injuries if you think that information would be used against you by authorities. While there are some very strong reasons to get authorities involved in DV situations, if you live in a place where it will be turned back against you then you deal with what you can. The reason people have advised you to get authorities involved is to help protect your safety. This is not about punishing your wife, it is about you not being further abused or killed.

You can just walk away. You can get on an airplane to another country. You can take a train. Or a boat or a taxicab. You can literally leave everything behind except the clothes on your back.

You don't need her permission, nor do you need anybody else's. You do what is right for you. Nobody else's opinion matters.

After you get out, then you can work on whatever the next steps might be. I am certain you have friends or relatives who will help you. All you have to do is take the first step which is to leave. There will be organizations wherever you are which can help you.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn't matter how great she is 90% of the time. It's that 10% that's the problem. She's made you her punching bag and she takes all her stress out on you. She enjoys it and she'll never stop. It's rewarding for her to be able to hurt you when you don't hurt her back. And you've enabled that. 

You have the ideal situation -- no shared assets and no children. No matter how complicated the situation, since you aren't financially dependent on her then you can move on. 

And, yes, the situation you had with your mother explains why you deal with your wife as you do. Alcoholics very often turn their children into caregivers with a huge sense of responsibility toward others. That's you.


----------



## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

vauxhall101,

I recently removed myself from a marriage similar to yours (only yours sounds worse).

My divorce was finalized on 5/25 and I haven't been this happy in years!

Put a plan together and LEAVE and don't look back.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife is insane. Get the hell out NOW.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And if you plan to meet with the MC or anyone else (instead of immediately getting out as you should) STOP keeping your wife's secrets. Tell the MC or the psychiatrist or whoever you're dealing with exactly what's happening. I realize you don't want to but you need to. 

Women have traditionally gotten a free pass when it comes to battering men because of the thinking that we are physically weaker so how can we really hurt them. But we can -- and do -- more often than is realized. It's just not very well publicized because men are understandably embarrassed to admit that they put up with it. 

She isn't going to stop the cycle so you'll have to.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I was once with a woman like your wife. she wasn't physically abusive, but shockingly verbally abusive.
she would taunt me with sex. things like "i won't wear make-up for you, because you might like it!"
can you believe how utterly evil that is? i NEVER gave her any reason to act that way to me. i was simply her victim.

this went on and on and on.

like you, i believe i loved her. i know a lot of people here on this site say "it's not real love" because; 'what is there to love?'
personally, i reject that construct. I believe that love can transcend loving someone who is lovable.
i reject the paradigm that someone must be lovable, or do things for you to be loved (subject for another thread).
nevertheless, whether it's real love or not, you must leave. like you, I didn't know how. i didn't want to kick her out into the street.
i couldn't bring myself to utterly reject her, even though she deserved it a thousand times. 

i finally did leave. I think i understand almost exactly where you are. best thing i ever did. you gotta leave bro. 

for your sanity. for your personal safety. for your happiness. and because it's the right thing to do.


----------



## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

It's been 25 hours. Have you gone to see a doctor yet?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

vauxhall101 said:


> Somebody else asked about caregiving and me not believing myself worthy of a healthy relationship, and our MC did refer to me as my wife's "nurse". *My mother was a chronic alcoholic who I had to spend many years looking after* until she committed suicide, if that answers the question!


https://al-anon.org/

And attend regular therapy. By yourself. You have a lot to work on.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

m00nman said:


> It's been 25 hours. Have you gone to see a doctor yet?


I know you all mean well, but going to a doctor will just complicate things for me - I'll have to get registered (in a foreign country), language issues etc, and I don't want any legal complications in a country that I'm planning to leave asap. I've had sports injuries before, this isn't bad, it's just a knock (and if it's not, you all have my permission to say "told you so"). 

My wife didn't go to her psych appt I don't think, and she said she doesn't want to go to marriage counselling either. Ok, fine. At the moment she is in 'sulk' mode, because I refused to indulge her in the usual way yesterday (didn't cave when she was crying and saying she was going to get help etc). I know I'm just venting and it's ridiculous, but it really does still bug me so much how difficult it is to even get her to accept any culpability. It took about 3 hours yesterday before she stopped with the "You deserve it, it's your fault because of my past emotional hurt", and even said sorry. 

I meant to say it's very sweet that everyone on here is concerned for me, but.......I'm going to irritate a lot of you now by using the trite observation of the battered male and say: she's not that scary. I'm 6'2" and weigh about 60lbs more than her. She acts up and attacks me, but I can't imagine her stabbing me or anything like that. 

To be completely honest it does break my heart, I truly and sincerely care about her and wanted to help her, and I am quite resentful that she has given me no choice but to leave her. Like @Edward333 said in his thread, if his wife was just willing to accept some responsibility for her behaviour, it wouldn't be so bad. I should be gone in the next week anyway.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

m00nman said:


> It's been 25 hours. Have you gone to see a doctor yet?


*And right after you visit the Doctor, you need to go a little farther down the street and visit a good family law attorney, to fully advise you of all of your legal property rights!*


----------



## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

vauxhall101 said:


> I know you all mean well, but going to a doctor will just complicate things for me - I'll have to get registered (in a foreign country), language issues etc, and I don't want any legal complications in a country that I'm planning to leave asap. I've had sports injuries before, this isn't bad, it's just a knock (and if it's not, you all have my permission to say "told you so").
> 
> My wife didn't go to her psych appt I don't think, and she said she doesn't want to go to marriage counselling either. Ok, fine. At the moment she is in 'sulk' mode, because I refused to indulge her in the usual way yesterday (didn't cave when she was crying and saying she was going to get help etc). I know I'm just venting and it's ridiculous, but it really does still bug me so much how difficult it is to even get her to accept any culpability. It took about 3 hours yesterday before she stopped with the "You deserve it, it's your fault because of my past emotional hurt", and even said sorry.
> 
> ...


What country are you in? Why haven't you left yet?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

m00nman said:


> What country are you in? Why haven't you left yet?


I'd rather not say what country I'm in. Don't worry, based on past experience my wife won't talk to me at all now, except the odd passive-aggressive email (although she'll probably find a way to blame me for us not showing at tomorrow's MC appointment). As far as she is concerned it's down to me to 'make amends' (was it ever thus), so I can just leave when I've sorted myself out, probably to go and visit my sister.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Vauxhall, 
I am lost for words, you are minimizing your abuse and this is a typical symptom of an abuse victim. The only way you can escape is by building your self esteem and sharing this with your therapist. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse, you have to know that. Your wife does not deserve you, you can meet a woman who will actually love you for who you are. Please leave her.

Your first step to building your self esteem is going ahead with MC and tell the MC what happened. You are covering for her and not doing her any favours by doing this, the MC will have a different strategy when she knows the whole truth. Keeping this in the dark is doing yourself and your wife and your marriage a huge disfavour, be brave enough to open it up to the light.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'd rather not say what country I'm in. Don't worry, based on past experience my wife won't talk to me at all now, except the odd passive-aggressive email (although she'll probably find a way to blame me for us not showing at tomorrow's MC appointment). As far as she is concerned it's down to me to 'make amends' (was it ever thus), so I can just leave when I've sorted myself out, probably to go and visit my sister.


If your sister told you this story except it was her being abused by her husband how would you feel.And what advice would you give her.
Your major mistake in this toxic relationship was going to counselling but not being completely honest with the counsellor about your wife's behaviour.Would you go to a doctor and only tell him some of the symptoms of whatever illness you had.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Vauxhall you are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Look it up. You are as mentally ill now as your wife is. 

She's going to kill you if you stay with her. 

I wish you well and hope you make the right choice before it's too late. You have lived for so long in abusive, toxic relationships that you do not know what a loving, nurturing relationship is like.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

aine said:


> Vauxhall,
> I am lost for words, you are minimizing your abuse and this is a typical symptom of an abuse victim. The only way you can escape is by building your self esteem and sharing this with your therapist. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse, you have to know that. Your wife does not deserve you, you can meet a woman who will actually love you for who you are. Please leave her.
> 
> Your first step to building your self esteem is going ahead with MC and tell the MC what happened. You are covering for her and not doing her any favours by doing this, the MC will have a different strategy when she knows the whole truth. Keeping this in the dark is doing yourself and your wife and your marriage a huge disfavour, be brave enough to open it up to the light.


That's very kind of you to say so, but I should point out that while I have never been physically abusive, and I don't drink, gamble, flirt with other women or anything like that, being married to me isn't exactly a stroll in the park, either.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> If your sister told you this story except it was her being abused by her husband how would you feel.And what advice would you give her.
> Your major mistake in this toxic relationship was going to counselling but not being completely honest with the counsellor about your wife's behaviour.Would you go to a doctor and only tell him some of the symptoms of whatever illness you had.


I know, I thought I was building up to it, I didn't want to go straight in there on the first appointment throwing around accusations of physical abuse, especially as she hasn't hurt me badly, just the odd bruise. Therapy is very new to me, and it felt awkward and strange at first, but as I mentioned earlier, in the end I found it a great relief to have an outsider agree with me that a lot of my wife's behaviour is/was...........perhaps unreasonable. Just having someone say that made me feel better. Because you get caught in the bubble of someone saying something to you so many times (that they are the victim and you are in the wrong, for example), that you start to believe it. I guess my wife might say something similar, in fact.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I know, I thought I was building up to it, I didn't want to go straight in there on the first appointment throwing around accusations of physical abuse, especially as she hasn't hurt me badly, just the odd bruise. Therapy is very new to me, and it felt awkward and strange at first, but as I mentioned earlier, in the end I found it a great relief to have an outsider agree with me that a lot of my wife's behaviour is/was...........perhaps unreasonable. Just having someone say that made me feel better. Because you get caught in the bubble of someone saying something to you so many times (that they are the victim and you are in the wrong, for example), that you start to believe it. I guess my wife might say something similar, in fact.


You keep trying to downplay her behaviour.
Your wife not doing her share of the laundry is "unreasonable".
Your wife physically assaulting you is abuse.
She seems to have you brainwashed into believing that you somehow deserve this treatment.
You need to leave today.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What needs to be sorted so you can leave?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You keep trying to downplay her behaviour.
> Your wife not doing her share of the laundry is "unreasonable".
> Your wife physically assaulting you is abuse.
> She seems to have you brainwashed into believing that you somehow deserve this treatment.
> You need to leave today.


I know. It's strange. 

My wife is very interested in politics, and last year, as often happens, she was ranting about something, and I put an alternative viewpoint (I didn't even disagree with her, I just didn't agree with her to her satisfaction), and she was ruder to me than anybody has ever been in my life. Politics is a "hot button" topic for us, and I have lost count of the number of times she has exploded at me because I have not been fulsome enough in my condemnation of whoever/whatever. When we were describing this to the MC and my wife was saying how her behaviour is justified because of how much it upsets her when I don't agree with her, the MC raised her eyebrows and said to my wife, "But why does he have to agree with you?". That was a strange arrow in my brain, because I suddenly thought, 'Yeah, that's right. Why DO I have to agree with her?'. 

We spend so much time together, and I discuss my thoughts and feelings with basically no-one else, that you lose track of what is "normal". It has become normal for me to be berated and suffer abusive tantrums because, for example, I start putting away dishes when my wife is talking about politics, and she thinks I'm not paying enough attention. 

I try and imagine what my wife would say to all this, in the interests of fairness. She usually starts by saying it's my fault, because her physical abuse of me is nothing compared to my past emotional abuse of her, which is things like 2 years ago telling her that a co-worker had a crush on me, or being uncommunicative, stuff like that. Then if I get through that to the next round, she'll say that it's because she has a mental health problem, and I'm an a-hole for not helping her. The thing is, I love helping her, I love making her tea, and going with her to appointments, and so on. I even say to her all the time - "all you have to do to stay married to me, is not make my life miserable", and apparently that was too much to ask.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Openminded said:


> What needs to be sorted so you can leave?


Find a place to stay, book a flight, pack my stuff. That's about it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That should take a day, possibly two, I would guess?

Are you working on it?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Openminded said:


> That should take a day, possibly two, I would guess?
> 
> Are you working on it?


Yeah. It just makes me very sad.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I ended a very long marriage. Everyone I knew -- family and friends -- opposed my divorce. I was sad but not sad enough to continue to stay. 

Being sad is one thing. Letting being sad stop you from doing what you know you have to do is another thing entirely. Don't allow that.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get away from this woman, file for divorce, and get yourself into some heavy duty therapy. You are very broken my friend. When a person gets to a point where they would not know what to do if a healthy relationship landed in their lap, they need help desperately.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> I meant to say it's very sweet that everyone on here is concerned for me, but.......I'm going to irritate a lot of you now by using the trite observation of the battered male and say: she's not that scary. I'm 6'2" and weigh about 60lbs more than her. She acts up and attacks me, but I can't imagine her stabbing me or anything like that.


My best friend growing up, his dad probably thought the same thing. One night after dad went to bed, mom went to the kitchen and grabbed a kitchen knife. She then stabbed dad in the chest about 20 times. True story.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> Find a place to stay, book a flight, pack my stuff. That's about it.


Nope. All you need to do is book a flight and get yourself to the airport with your wallet and passport. You don't even need to book a flight, you can buy a seat at the ticket counter at the airport and walk onto the airplane.

No stuff needed. All you need are the clothes you are wearing. You don't need a place to stay at your destination, you can find one when you get there. Lots of cheap motels everywhere, or just show up on your sister's doorstep.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you live in a country where calling the police or going to the emergency room will not help much.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How many kids?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Let this sink in. 


WOMEN can abuse men. Shhhhhhh.......... Let it sink in.
It is okay to be FEARFUL of her even if you are stronger....... Shhhh let it sink in.
You are not weak if you leave. Shhhh..... let it sink in.
You cannot fix someone who refuses to get help. Sssshhhhh let it sink in.
You cannot fix anyone, you can only support their decision to get help. Shhhh.... Let it sink in.



It is okay to move on.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I drink like a fish, flirt with my interns' moms, spend hours playing Angry Birds, and use my skills in manipulative ways at times. That's no excuse for physical abuse; verbal abuse I have little problem with (sock puppets work well ) but woe to the unsuspecting Betty Broderick wannabe...

Seriously, tho, step back a second and think. How did you end up there? What did you know of her mental health and her family's mental health? These things run in families often enough. How about what did you know of her country's social services and health services?

Seems to me you've made a few too many leaps of faith and now that you need the system to work for you, it ain't there.

You haven't disclosed which country, and I respect that. But pray tell us it's not one of those countries with corrupt officials, where people can and do get away with all kinds of things. 

The thing is, you're in her home court. That by itself is huge. You're the gaijin. There's a reason I've never been to my wife's birth country. You assume things will magically improve. It ain't happening. 

Tell you what. The social sciences guy in me says... Start charting her behavior. Record a paragraph or two every day. Truthfully. In a place she can't get in without a password. Then at the end of the month read it. Count how many good, average, and bad days there were. 

Then decide.


----------



## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

HELL no. Get the freak OUT. Do it now.

My boyfriend's ex-wife pushed him down the basement steps. He almost died. 

If I were face to face with his ex-wife right now, she would get WTF she deserves for attempted murder.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

nm


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

john117 said:


> I drink like a fish, flirt with my interns' moms, spend hours playing Angry Birds, and use my skills in manipulative ways at times. That's no excuse for physical abuse; verbal abuse I have little problem with (sock puppets work well ) but woe to the unsuspecting Betty Broderick wannabe...
> 
> Seriously, tho, step back a second and think. How did you end up there? What did you know of her mental health and her family's mental health? These things run in families often enough. How about what did you know of her country's social services and health services?
> 
> Seems to me you've made a few too many leaps of faith and now that you need the system to work for you, it ain't there.


Sorry, I didn't mean to be ambiguous - it's not my wife's home country either. We're only here temporarily because of my wife's job (my work I can do from home). Tbh I don't really know how good/bad social services are here, but I don't really want to find out, and we did have a lot of problems reporting a case of animal cruelty to the police. We both have mental health issues, but both were (I thought) more of the depression type, than the sudden, violent temper type of thing. 

We don't have any kids, no joint assets, nothing like that, it should be a clean break without too many complications. Although this move to another country did cost me a lot financially. Plus I paid my wife's taxes for her (taxes, which she still blamed me for - I s*** you not). 

I didn't truly know what she was going to be like. She could be volatile, but this is new. It's not the physical abuse that bothers me so much, it's that I am sick to death of having to walk on eggshells around the one person I am supposed to be able to trust more than anyone. I'm sick to death of 'monitoring' myself for fear of saying something that will set her off, I'm sick to death of being told it's my fault because I shouldn't 'upset her', when she makes up the criteria for what she finds 'upsetting' as she goes along. 

I am frightened of her, not because I think she will hurt me physically, but because she is so tempestuous.


----------



## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> It's not the physical abuse that bothers me so much, it's that I am sick to death of having to walk on eggshells around the one person I am supposed to be able to trust more than anyone. I'm sick to death of 'monitoring' myself for fear of saying something that will set her off, I'm sick to death of being told it's my fault because I shouldn't 'upset her', when she makes up the criteria for what she finds 'upsetting' as she goes along.


You could be describing my ex-wife...same situation as what you described above. It's not normal to live like that. 

Just leave. Trust me, life gets MUCH better.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What you describe is textbook borderline personality disorder, or BPD. A different rabbit hole in itself. 

You aren't going to win this one.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not trying to sound rude, but why did you post? You did say that you were here to vent, but you also asked several times for help about what you should do. Are you looking for actual advice? May I suggest that you say what you need or want up front so posters don't feel they're giving empty advice to a brick wall?

You're being battered, mentally and physically. She doesn't have to be bigger or stronger than you to be an effective abuser. You talk about isolation, language barriers, and legal worry on the one hand. On the other hand, you're not really making effort to leave her either (unless you aren't mentioning it), so you're effectively choosing to stay. She's not walking the walk (going to therapy) so she's definitely not going to change and neither will your situation. This could easily turn on you if she gets unruly again and decides to have you arrested. You'd have nothing, no hospital visit, no police report, nothing to defend yourself with and show a clear pattern of her abusive behavior. 

Men already have a difficult time when it comes to receiving proper acknowledgement and help in cases of domestic abuse. You are helping to perpetuate an injustice that goes well beyond just you.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Satya said:


> I'm not trying to sound rude, but why did you post? You did say that you were here to vent, but you also asked several times for help about what you should do. Are you looking for actual advice? May I suggest that you say what you need or want up front so posters don't feel they're giving empty advice to a brick wall?
> 
> You're being battered, mentally and physically. She doesn't have to be bigger or stronger than you to be an effective abuser. You talk about isolation, language barriers, and legal worry on the one hand. On the other hand, you're not really making effort to leave her either (unless you aren't mentioning it), so you're effectively choosing to stay.


I'm not mentioning it. There are parts of my private life I wish to keep private. If people don't wish to post on here, they shouldn't do so. I hope I will be forgiven for treating all advice I receive on an anonymous internet forum with the appropriate amount of salt. Anybody should feel free to give their advice, just as I am free to decide whether or not to take it.


----------



## LivingInAMistake (Aug 8, 2017)

Well, you shouldn't tolerate that anymore, to be honest. Not even one more time! You have to put your foot down. "We teach others how to treat us." You staying there is saying a lot. She REPEATEDLY hit you with ice and then said "good." Please think about that.

Your wife is pissed off! She may just have a really short temper, or maybe she feel you wronged her. Maybe she feels unsafe with you for some reason. Maybe you don't meet her needs or take care of her in the way she needs. If that, or something similar, is the case, that's a great starting point for making positive changes. If it's something you're doing that's making her angry, you can do something about that! 

SO, it sounds like it would be helpful for you to set some personal boundaries and then move forward with your own insight and action. If working on you doesn't help things, then, that's all you can do. 

Best of luck. Sorry you have to go through this.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Also leave, maybe the country because you may have to defend yourself which results in you causing bodily harm to her. And then you get arrested. In the USA, many cities would arrest both of you.
Don't ever EVER E-V-E-R put your penis or your sperm anywhere near your wife. Last thing you need is for her to spawn another one with you becoming legally attached.

Escape while you can.


----------



## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I lived that way for more than 25 years, so I know what you're going through. Bandit was right, Stockholm syndrome, you should read up on it. It took my ex cheating on me to snap me out of it. The ultimate of abuses to a significant other. That's another outcome you can expect if you choose to stay, she has no respect for you.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'm not mentioning it. There are parts of my private life I wish to keep private. If people don't wish to post on here, they shouldn't do so. I hope I will be forgiven for treating all advice I receive on an anonymous internet forum with the appropriate amount of salt. Anybody should feel free to give their advice, just as I am free to decide whether or not to take it.


Of course. It is your life. Only you can live it. However, many posters here have first hand experience in many ways that are similar to your own. Maybe not identical, but similar. 

When a great majority of them are agreeing on a matter, my experience in this board for the last 5 or so years tells me they might be worth listening to. But ultimately, it's your choice. All the best.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My wife grew up in a household where her father took out his frustrations on her mother physically. I had never seen a husband or wife raise a hand. In our first year, I watched as her older sibling beat the snot out of their partner. I stated then, that physical abuse jumped to the next generation. I noted that every time we had a spat, I would receive little slaps. Those escalated in both frequency and injury. Finally, in our second or third year, I received a closed fist to my stomach. I warned her that if she did that again, I would have to retaliate. I let her do it a few more times, warning her that she will not like it when I retaliate. Finally, I could take it no more, I returned one of her punches directly to her solar plexus, she doubled over and began puking. That was one restrained punch. I told her that was a refund of everything that she had been feeding me for years. I also stated that if I will not stand for this any longer, both in my own home or her family home. I said that if it happens again in my sight, I will settle it, FOR GOOD. She asked me what that meant, and nonchalantly, I stated that either, I would leave, or we would never see her family again. I refused to expose any future children to a violent household.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you still leaving next week?


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> Are you still leaving next week?


I'm afraid so. I might go and find a hotel or something in the meanwhile. 

We had another blow-up today, she blamed me for not cancelling the MC appointment, even after I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no, and I paid for it. She shoved me when I turned away and I fell into some chairs, I had to physically shepherd her out of the room and close the door just so I didn't do something I'd regret. 

I wish now that I'd gone to the MC appointment on my own, I want to vent, I want some feeling of justice (that's partly why I'm posting), again my wife barely accepts any responsibility for the way she behaves. Instead of offering me an apology, she says it's my fault, because she desperately needs help and I have 'chosen' this time to leave her.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'm afraid so. I might go and find a hotel or something in the meanwhile.
> 
> We had another blow-up today, she blamed me for not cancelling the MC appointment, even after I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no, and I paid for it. She shoved me when I turned away and I fell into some chairs, I had to physically shepherd her out of the room and close the door just so I didn't do something I'd regret.
> 
> I wish now that I'd gone to the MC appointment on my own, I want to vent, I want some feeling of justice (that's partly why I'm posting), again my wife barely accepts any responsibility for the way she behaves. Instead of offering me an apology, she says it's my fault, because she desperately needs help and I have 'chosen' this time to leave her.


It really does not matter whether or not she accepts responsibility, or whether or not she apologizes. That is completely irrelevant. This is not about HER, this is about YOU, staying where you are and allowing this to happen to you. Be responsible for your own self preservation and well being. You know she is full of crap, so just ignore her words and move forward.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You definitely DO need to see a counselor - one that will help you get the hell out of this toxic relationship. Find someone who specializes in victims of abuse.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> It really does not matter whether or not she accepts responsibility, or whether or not she apologizes. That is completely irrelevant. This is not about HER, this is about YOU, staying where you are and allowing this to happen to you. Be responsible for your own self preservation and well being. You know she is full of crap, so just ignore her words and move forward.


Sigh. I know. Thank you. It's just very difficult letting go. She DOES need my help, and she would have continued to get it, if only she had been willing (or able) to control herself. But I guess this is the lament of a lot of broken marriages, and no point wallowing in it.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> She DOES need my help


No, she needs to help HERSELF. 

When you get that counselor, also make sure they deal with codependency.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Vauxhall, one further thought. I NEVER would have raised a hand to my wife, but she explained to me that if I called the police on her, she would accuse me of domestic violence and have me carted off to jail. At that point, I turned to her, got dead cold, and said, well, if that is what you plan on doing, I will not contact the police. HOWEVER, you have just convinced me to fight fire with fire. If you hit me again, I will not consider that you are a woman, or my wife. She chose to test that statement. She lost. Then, stupidly, she talked about it in MC. Our MC tore a strip off her. Asked how often I was being hit. Called her an abuser, told her that I should divorce her. She went white. Everything came out, including her parent's abusive relationship which formerly, she would have died before admitting.
Consequently, a few years later, her youngest sib suffered a mental breakdown. The psychs and social workers called the entire family in for a meeting to get some details on the family dynamic. Within seconds, it was painfully obvious that nobody in that room wanted to air the dirty laundry. My wife spoke up about her father's little tirades. FIL shot daggers from his eyes at both of us. He cashed in for way too long on people keeping their silence. Too bad, so sad, the therapists told my FIL that he would be undertaking anger management classes and seeing a shrink for a long time, otherwise, he would be reported. He cried for days, when he was told he was chiefly responsible for his child's suicide attempt. He would carry that in a heavy heart, right up to the day he died, of a cancer that I believe started the day he realized that his beatings nearly killed his child. That is domestic violence, and that is the outcome. 

Vauxhall, she needs to be stopped.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> No, she needs to help HERSELF.
> 
> When you get that counselor, also make sure they deal with codependency.


Aw, you're all so nice.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vauxhall101 said:


> That's very kind of you to say so, but I should point out that while I have never been physically abusive, and I don't drink, gamble, flirt with other women or anything like that, being married to me isn't exactly a stroll in the park, either.


Please stop the minimising, your wife has NO excuse!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'm afraid so. I might go and find a hotel or something in the meanwhile.
> 
> We had another blow-up today, she blamed me for not cancelling the MC appointment, even after I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no, and I paid for it. She shoved me when I turned away and I fell into some chairs, I had to physically shepherd her out of the room and close the door just so I didn't do something I'd regret.
> 
> I wish now that I'd gone to the MC appointment on my own, I want to vent, I want some feeling of justice (that's partly why I'm posting), again my wife barely accepts any responsibility for the way she behaves. Instead of offering me an apology, she says it's my fault, because she desperately needs help and I have 'chosen' this time to leave her.


Vauxhall, we told you to go but you are not listening to anything we are saying, God's sake man, **** her and leave now, move on, why are you playing victim?


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

One last time.

Leave today. Go to a motel for the remaining week before leaving the country if you have to. She may cut off your penis.

You can leave her a letter that she needs help. But don't tell her that you are leaving the country and filing for divorce.

YOU CANNOT HELP HER.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Vauxhall, what happens when she escalates? Uses weapons? This is the gist of tv Movies of the week, good guy, wife is the abuser, nobody in their right mind would ever accuse the little woman of beating the bejabbers out of her husband. Then, she moves from closed fist, to a baseball bat. Now he is showing bruises and lying to keep everyone from finding out that the little woman is more a little monster. He keeps it quiet, which gives her license to do worse. What's worse? You do not want to know. Finally she goes too far. If he is still breathing, he finally makes that criminal complaint that sees her incarcerated. If she is smart, she gets some help. If she isn't, she will discover new levels of hell in jail. One client, purportedly, thought she was the toughest bi+ch on the block. (Actually suburban soccer-mom with anger issues), she ended up in a municipal crowbar motel after another of her assaults against a husband who just let her whale on him, and the police were called. (He was bleeding, she was holding a broom handle). Her second night in jail, another inmate got under her skin, and she did as she usually did. This time it was quite different. This time someone fought back and was infinitely tougher. This time, the assault victim had very little holding her back. The report that I got showed how extensive the damage to her was. Both eyes blackened, broken nose, bruised and cracked ribs, a facial wound requiring stitches and likely plastic surgery, internal injuries, finally requiring a splenectomy. (She was unconscious and being kicked near to death when the guards finally arrived) It was the lesson that was coming for ten years. When she regained consciousness in the hospital, her husband was sitting beside her bed. He calmly let her know that this was the result of her unrestricted anger and acting out. She will have scars for the rest of her life. She will have physical limitations. She made the decision that day to put herself into therapy, finally. The marriage is still on the ropes. She will likely be divorced as well as having a criminal record which will limit her earning capability after divorce, and she has not a leg to stand on as the divorce is predicated on domestic abuse. In other words, she has screwed herself permanently.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> I'm afraid so. I might go and find a hotel or something in the meanwhile.
> 
> We had another blow-up today, she blamed me for not cancelling the MC appointment, even after I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no, and I paid for it. She shoved me when I turned away and I fell into some chairs, I had to physically shepherd her out of the room and close the door just so I didn't do something I'd regret.
> 
> I wish now that I'd gone to the MC appointment on my own, I want to vent, I want some feeling of justice (that's partly why I'm posting), again my wife barely accepts any responsibility for the way she behaves. Instead of offering me an apology, she says it's my fault, because she desperately needs help and I have 'chosen' this time to leave her.


Can you please remove the blinkers and see that this is escalating seemingly on a daily basis.She IS going to hurt you badly,how do you feel about being blinded or brain damaged because you are being so nonchalant with your replies it is very hard to take you seriously.
You agree with almost every piece of advice you are being given but you are still there.
Can you just leave allready.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Can you please remove the blinkers and see that this is escalating seemingly on a daily basis.She IS going to hurt you badly,how do you feel about being blinded or brain damaged because you are being so nonchalant with your replies it is very hard to take you seriously.
> You agree with almost every piece of advice you are being given but you are still there.
> Can you just leave allready.


I'll just have to refer you to my previous answer I'm afraid. Advice on here, although all well intentioned, is just from anonymous internet people - I'm a big boy and can take care of myself, there are parts of my private life I wish to keep private, and I'm not about to start arguing with people online who are offering me support and advice, whether I agree with them or not. Nobody is required to post responses on this thread, I don't mind.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't give her any warning of you leaving. There's a good chance she'll get violent about it. Activate a voice recorder on your cell phone and have it running whenever she is around, and most especially when you leave the home. Chances are virtually 100% she will be violent with you, and then she'll likely report YOU as the attacker. She can fake damage to herself, or she can put you in a situation where you have to do something to protect yourself.

When the police show up, ADMIT NOTHING. N O T H I N G. Do not admit to pushing her out of the way. Do not admit to grabbing her arm. It doesn't matter if she was swinging a meat cleaver at your head, as soon as you admit to touching her YOU BECOME THE CRIMINAL. That is how this game works in the real world.

WHich is why you should leave right this moment. Wallet, passport, clothes on your back. That's all you need. Tell her you're going out for coffee if you must say anything at all.

Don't give her the chance to get violent by letting her know your plan to leave.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> Less than ten minutes ago, my wife physically assaulted me again. I'm sick and tired of it. She hit me repeatedly with a block of ice, and I think she has done something to my elbow - it's painful, and there's a lump appearing.
> 
> I have posted about our relationship before. Since I last posted, we went to MC, and my wife is going to talk to her psych about mood stabilisers. MC actually went well, and I even enjoyed it, because it is a relief to talk about certain things and have a 'neutral party' tell you that you're not insane and that you might even have a point. Although my wife still tried to bring up our counselling session as 'evidence against me' when we were arguing just now, which upsets me greatly, because I always feel it is such a betrayal when she invokes her therapist(s) as 'witnesses for the prosecution', especially as their 'evidence' is so innocuous ("Yeah, well, the therapist said that you need to learn to communicate better!", "Errrmmm, yes, I know. I was there.").
> 
> ...


Re read this as if someone else posted it, and then tell us what you would tell this person.

If you're just going to be mysterious about some unnamed extenuating circumstances that would change all of our minds about your situation but refuse to post them, why even bother to post in the first place?????? Venting, ok I get that, but YOU said you feel like you should leave. Are we supposed to talk you into staying or something???

I call bull. I don't believe there ARE any extenuating circumstances like you've been hinting. I think you're brainwashed - stockholm syndrome or something - and severely co dependent.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This is one of the scariest threads I have ever read. All I have left to say, is that there is no way you will be able to help her when you are dead. Your #1 priority is securing your physical safety. You have to be alive to be a good man.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I was a big guy. I was on both the football team and the wrestling squad. I was married, at the time for three years when the slaps became punches. I have the longest fuse in the world. It takes a lot for me to lose it, but when I do, watch out. I warned her and warned her. I thought that I could talk her out of being violent. It worked to a small extent, but then, and I do not remember what the hell we were fighting about, but I do remember it was a friday night, and we had just returned from dinner at her parents'. Her dad was verbally abusive to just about everyone in earshot that evening. Luckily, it did not escalate. All I can remember is that she got frightfully mad at me over something that seemed inconsequential at the time. That anger welled up in her, and I could tell that it was going to be bad. First time, it was a slap to my arm. All I said was "stop it or else". Or else what? was her comeback. You will not like it. Another punch to the arm. Then a double shot. THAT IS IT, DAMN YOU! I then gave her a balled up fist to the stomach. I held back as much as I could. The look on her face was classic. Her eyes got wide, then fear flashed across her face, then she doubled over and began to puke. I was called an F'ing bas+ard, in between retches. Told her that I held back for fear of REALLY injuring her, and one final warning: Do it again and I will deliver what is left of you to the morgue, that is not a threat, that is a promise. If I really wanted to hurt you, I could have, quite easily. To demonstrate, I put my fist through our wall about six inches from her head. She had an "OH SH1T" moment and realized that she had poked the bear just once too often. My next requirement was that we were going back to MC and that this all needed to come out. That was the one and only time in our marriage that I raised a hand to my wife. I believe that her attitude from those first three years festered in me and led to my infidelity at the ten year mark. During our reconciliation, the actions of my FIL were front and center of our MC sessions. 

It has been years, FIL & MIL are both gone. She no longer has anger issues, they were quelled and extinguished with years of therapy. Vauxhall, unless something gigantic happens, she will continue and then escalate. I had very little alternative. I tried to leave, and she would follow and continue the assault. She was careful not to leave marks (just like daddy), or do anything in public. Her facade was ripped away by me and our MC. She admitted that she could not control this, and would have likely done severe damage, and felt totally justified in doing so. Had I not punched her and shown her that I meant business, she would have continued.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Re read this as if someone else posted it, and then tell us what you would tell this person.
> 
> If you're just going to be mysterious about some unnamed extenuating circumstances that would change all of our minds about your situation but refuse to post them, why even bother to post in the first place?????? Venting, ok I get that, but YOU said you feel like you should leave. Are we supposed to talk you into staying or something???
> 
> I call bull. I don't believe there ARE any extenuating circumstances like you've been hinting. I think you're brainwashed - stockholm syndrome or something - and severely co dependent.



This is my point, I'm not trying to "change all your minds" - why would I even want to? I'm saying that I'm not about to start doing things just because people on the internet tell me to. I'm grateful to anyone who offers me advice, but you don't have to, just as I reserve the right to decide for myself what I'm going to do.


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You know, usually the advice you get is varied on these boards. Yet, everyone is adamant you should gtfo asap. You have no idea how things can escalate. My W had severe anger issues, my fault, of course. I couldn't strike back as she had eye issues and could go blind from the blows. 

I'm a strong guy, not small, and she didn't do much physical damage. Then one day I found out she bought a gun because she thought I might kill her. Pulled away and let her go. 

Also, she sounds seriously BPD. Those people really screw with your psyche, and deeply. Paging @Uptown


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@Vulcan2013, thanks so much for the call out. I appreciate you're taking time to bring this thread to my attention because I sometimes overlook threads mentioning many BPD red flags. In this case, however, I actually have been following Vaux's posts. Indeed, @GhostRider and I discussed BPD symptoms at length with Vaux in his first thread about two weeks ago. That discussion began in my 7/23 post and Vaux acknowledged (in his 7/24 post) that 14 of the behaviors on my list of 18 BPD warning signs do describe his W's behavior. 

Yet, because Vaux discussed those BPD traits at length with Ghost and me in that thread, I have not participated in Vaux's subsequent three other threads -- so he can broaden the discussion into other areas and obtain a more diverse set of views. But for the record, Vaux, Ghost, @john117 (post 101 above), and I all share your view that many of the behaviors described here are classic warning signs for BPD behavior.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

This is one of the most passive aggressive threads ever. OP is more decisive with "anonymous" internet peoples that he posts on said internet forum than the wife that pushes him and gives him wedgies.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think some here have missed an important point.

When a person is living in a country, not his own, where he does not have a job or adequate income, has no family or friends, does not know the language well... and they basically have no social services... that person cannot just leave. They cannot go to emergency room and report the abuse. Calling the police could backfire easily.

That's my take on the situation.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I think some here have missed an important point.
> 
> When a person is living in a country, not his own, where he does not have a job or adequate income, has no family or friends, does not know the language well... and they basically have no social services... that person cannot just leave. They cannot go to emergency room and report the abuse. Calling the police could backfire easily.
> 
> That's my take on the situation.


Thank you. I'll stop posting on this thread, it seems to have become triggering for a lot of people.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> Thank you. I'll stop posting on this thread, it seems to have become triggering for a lot of people.


I don't know why you should stop posting. Just think that some did not understand your situation. It's actually not all that unusual in most places in the world. People should come to grips with this fact.

This is the real way it is in a large part of the world.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> I know. It's strange.
> 
> My wife is very interested in politics, and last year, as often happens, she was ranting about something, and I put an alternative viewpoint (I didn't even disagree with her, I just didn't agree with her to her satisfaction), and she was ruder to me than anybody has ever been in my life. Politics is a "hot button" topic for us, and I have lost count of the number of times she has exploded at me because I have not been fulsome enough in my condemnation of whoever/whatever. When we were describing this to the MC and my wife was saying how her behaviour is justified because of how much it upsets her when I don't agree with her, the MC raised her eyebrows and said to my wife, "But why does he have to agree with you?". That was a strange arrow in my brain, because I suddenly thought, 'Yeah, that's right. Why DO I have to agree with her?'.
> 
> ...


Read this article. 

Holly Solomon, Arizona Wife, Runs Over Husband Because Of Obama Re-Election: Cops | HuffPost

This guy never thought his wife would do this to him. She crushed his pelvis with her car. He survivied, but now he's partially crippled. She went to prison for a couple years for aggravated assault. He divorced her and took their newborn child with him.


----------

