# Please help me understand



## WHATDIDISAY (Aug 21, 2012)

Ladies I pride myself on being in touch with my wife and women in general because I grew up with 5 sisters and I had three younger sisters that I walked home from school for years... I have been married over 20 years and just this past week my wife asked me if I remember what I did that morning in the bathroom I replied NO and she didnt believe me and kept saying "come on come on" she was making reference to the bathroom window being open when I leave the bathroom and she believes that it is because I know she is coming behind me and her B.O. was worst than mines.. I disagreed several times and she still didnt want to believe me what is this about why do you she dont want to believe me???? Well that became a argument and now it is day two and we are still not talking all because I didnt remember something or was it because I wouldnt admit to the reason the window is left open. Please help me I am confused.... (and maybe you are too!!) 




Let me add this in the past 20 years of our marriage we seem to argue the most the day before a major holiday or my birthday??? I have missed 5 birthdays and 5 holidays with her sharing with me due to an argument... I am from a large family and my wife is the ONLY CHILD and SINGLE PARENT household, she said that her mother use to argue with her just before a major holiday or her birthday or even worst when she had a trip planned as a kid with friends and her moms would pick a fight just to cancel the trip or party for her... I think this is something she is doing to me unconsciously seeing that this is what happen to her can you share some light on these two subjects... I think that my wife has some underlying serious issues and they are really starting to show up after all these years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are describing has nothing to do with women in general. It's your wife, not women.

Perhaps you need to get her to marriage counseling with you. If she is ruining holidays and picking fights over the bathroom window ... she has a problem.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

WHATDIDISAY said:


> We seem to argue the most the day before a major holiday or my birthday?


WDIS, welcome to the TAM forum. Are you suspecting your W has moderate to strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? I ask because you attempted to leave a post in Maybe's thread, where I describe typical BPD symptoms and behavior at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. 

In this thread, you say very little about your W's behavior. I therefore have no idea whether you are describing strong BPD traits or not. I will only say, then, that the inability to trust is one of the many symptoms of BPD. Like your W, my BPDer exW was frequently accusing me of thinking or doing things I had never done. 

As I explain in Maybe's thread, BPDers are unable to trust others because they never learned to trust themselves. Moreover, they never learned how to intellectually challenge their intense feelings -- with the result that they are convinced that every strong feeling MUST be true.

As to the fights always occurring BEFORE a holiday, I note that with BPDers the worst fights usually occur DURING or immediately AFTER a holiday. Indeed, with BPDers, the very _worst _times usually follow immediately on the heels of the very _best_ times. Because BPDers feel suffocated and engulfed during intimacy, they typically will create an argument over nothing immediately after a great weekend or an intimate evening spent together. They do it to push the spouse away and give themselves breathing room. I also discuss that behavior in Maybe's thread.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Ouch. where's my 10 foot pole?


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