# The CONFLICT thread...4 types...the 5 to 1 ratio in Marriage Conflicts...



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Long before I ran across Gottman & his conflict styles (just today googling)....I've been in this habit, when a young person comes to me...My Niece for example... all excited "Oh I met the love of my life, he (or she) is so perfect"... the sun, stars & Moon set on them, so wrapped up in the dopamine rush... I pause...and I say ..."Gotta ask you something ....Have you had a good FIGHT yet?"... they look at me with a strange look.. but yeah... I think it speaks much about a couple...how they handle conflict...if they are determined to resolve and move on together...how vital it is to marital happiness & harmony.

I enjoyed this article & this thread is based on it...

Dealing with Conflict in Marriage: Four Types of Couples..

Where do you fit as a couple..maybe you are combination of these styles ... one a volatile starter married to a conflict avoidant -how does this play out...if you don't mind sharing?












> Couples perceptions, thoughts, values, and feelings influence how they interpret conflict situations, and can strongly shape the outcomes of conflicts. However, the three elements of conflict, issue, relationship, and emotion, must be dealt with if the conflict is to be resolved. The way that couples respond to interpersonal conflicts could either be constructive or destructive to their relationships.
> 
> *The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts*
> 
> According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones.....





> *1. *Volatile Couples
> 
> For volatile couples, conflicts erupt easily, and are fought on grand scale, but of course, making up is even greater! These couples have passionate disputes, and frequent and passionate arguments.
> 
> ...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I must agree that knowing how you both approach conflicts is needed before you get married. This is something that my wife and I found we could do. We are a validating couple type.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Nice. Went through this with my STBW, and we overwhelmingly agree we are validating. We have had our share of arguments, but never any hurt feelings, no resentment.

In estimating positive vs negative interactions, I see ours as about 10-1, and she just said she saw it as 9-1, so we are pretty close there too


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

meson said:


> I must agree that knowing how you both approach conflicts is needed before you get married. This is something that my wife and I found we could do. We are a validating couple type.


I think we are a mixture of both #2 and #3.
We tend to fight politely and are calmer ,whenever we fight.

But sometimes we also tend to try to avoid conflict .

This part in # 3:

" According to Gottman, *conflict-avoiding couples believe that* *their common ground and values are much greater than their differences, and this makes their differences insignificant or easy to accept...*"

Reflects part of our rationale.

Is that possible to have parts of different styles?

Maybe we're odd?

Lol.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Can someone please elaborate on this paragraph:

" *The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts*

_According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones.._."

I'm a bit confused on how the 5:1 ratio applies.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh Geez.. I am going to make myself look bad.. being the 1st one to admit I can be volatile ! Not even Samyeagars STBW... she is not a little wired in conflict ??

Yeah...by reading these over.. when I get a little steamed .... I can be "Volatile"....it doesn't happen as often as this article says though.... maybe once every 2 -3 months, we'll have one of these..








...

But ya know..that's not all bad.. what it says is very very true of us...."while volatiles fight openly, they argue with a lot of wit, display fondness for each other, and have a great time making up. It seems that their volcanic arguments are just a small part of their warm and loving relationship.

It appears that passion and fighting lead to better relationships which include making up, laughing, and affection. So despite the level of their argument, they still resolve their differences."...

...It is always me who starts something.. sounds awful I know.. I am just harder to please... but always make up sex......He has accused me of fighting just for make up







...I wouldn't say this is true ...but he will argue with me over this.. 

And we laugh over how ridiculous our fights are afterwards...Had one a few days ago, in the midst of these, I will Roar at the things we are saying, then he starts laughing, it's great!...

..I even write them in our journal..very often we carry something with us, a new insight ...as we always talk deeply during any fight...it ends up being *validating* - once I've calmed my jets a bit.... we pretty much don't leave each others side.. one of those ... "Don't let the sun go down on your anger " type couples...that's us! 

Now he would be more of a Validating type .. but he's married to me...and sometimes I grow some horns.. He likes to say I can be "intense".

The last 2 doesn't fit us at all... If my H was married to a passive aggressive women...I could see him landing in that sort of dynamic ..it's one reason I feel I am good for him... and really...he'd agree with that! 

Even in the heat of conflict, he has an attitude like this..


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Can my STBW be volatile? HA! You have no idea  I still say we are validating, because I refuse to validate her volatility. I don't rise to it. She has a flash temper, and broken filter sometimes, but I know this about her, and choose not to react to it.

So in a sense, I control our fighting style because even when her temper if flaring, she is still engaged in a validating way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> *Can someone please elaborate on this paragraph:
> 
> " The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts*


Sorry !...I only put pieces of the article in my Opening post.. so here is more under that part...


> *The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts
> *
> According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones.
> 
> ...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Can someone please elaborate on this paragraph:
> 
> " *The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts*
> 
> ...


I see SA explained it. I think this is true as well though I can't speak to the magnitude. The time my marriage was the most toxic is when we were having negative interactions about equal or greater than positive ones. That really erroaded trust and stilted our assumptions of the meaning behind everything. I worked hard to remove the negativity and that really helped my marriage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sorry !...I only put pieces of the article in my Opening post.. so here is more under that part...
> 
> " _According to Gottman (1994), positivity must outweigh negativity 5 to 1, whether couples have intense fights or avoid conflicts completely. *There are successful adjustments in these marriages that keep the couples together. Low level of conflicts between couples does not necessarily indicate marital happiness. On the other hand, it seems the intensity of the argument between some couples brings out the true color in their marriages. .."*_


Thanks , I got it.

I think this part right here:

"_ There are successful adjustments in these marriages that keep the couples together_..."

is the key that I was looking for.

An interesting part also is that conflict or lack of conflict is not necessarily a clear indicator of how healthy the relationship is.

I've always wondered about that.
I know some couples who are volatile in their conflict resolution styles ,[ whenever it occurs] but even in that, they seem to ' get" each other and have been together for some time.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sorry !...I only put pieces of the article in my Opening post.. so here is more under that part...


I understand the 5-1 ratio as the ideal as too much conflict takes its toll, and I understand the reasoning in too little conflict as well. I would just tend to disagree, or at least suggest that a lack of conflict does not equate to lack of passion. I know these things are just general indicators, but I don't feel a bit bad that our good-bad ratio is so high. And how does he define interaction anyway? If I am making dinner, and she is over by the fridge getting something and she looks up at me and winks out of no where, and goes back to what she was doing, I'd call that a very positive interaction, and if those are counted, then we are way higher than 10-1 because those types of interactions happen a dozen times a day, where we can go days without a hint of argument or disagreement. Lets suppose she asked me to grab something for her from the fridge, and I forgot when she asks me where it is...her reaction would be "It's ok baby, I forgot such and such earlier," or something along those lines, so how could that be a negative?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *Can my STBW be volatile? HA! You have no idea  I still say we are validating, because I refuse to validate her volatility. I don't rise to it. She has a flash temper, and broken filter sometimes, but I know this about her, and choose not to react to it.
> 
> So in a sense, I control our fighting style because even when her temper if flaring, she is still engaged in a validating way*.


Oh see, there it goes again...that is how he is too... he doesn't give rise to it either...I bring the uproar... he brings the calm...we "even" each other out ... this is why we WORK... 

Even in the midst of a heated exchange, we can both admit our faults...oh we can lay them out to each other...this may even get us laughing... once we start :rofl:...we're on the mend... back in each others arms..


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh see, there it goes again...that is how he is too... he doesn't give rise to it either...I bring the uproar... he brings the calm...we "even" each other out ... this is why we WORK...
> 
> Even in the midst of a heated exchange, we can both admit our faults...oh we can lay them out to each other...this may even get us laughing... once we start :rofl:...we're on the mend... back in each others arms..


I really do think you and my STBW are very very similar even though you took VERY different paths to end up where you are. I think you both needed very special men to handle you, and vice versa, your husband and I are very similar, and we needed a very specific type of woman for us to be truly happy.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Tx for starting this thread SA, as it deals with an issue I've been struggling with lately... 

As my 15 yo marriage ended -we were both major conflict avoiders- I did some soul searching and came to the conclusion that my/our way of handling conflict (not) was not productive in the end. I was still basically happy in the marriage while my wife became the classic WAW... didn't see that one coming.

So I acquired a few new skills in the validation/active listening department. In the mean while, I met my current gf, and we really hit it off. We talk and laugh a lot, both enjoy travelling and doing stuff with the kids, sex is great, etc. 

BUT. Every time this one issue (regarding my negociated peace with the ex) comes up, sh*t hits the fan and we have a major argument. One time, we actually broke up over it for a little while. Her behaviour is quite volatile, even hostile (insults, put downs,...) at those times... and my validations even seem to make it worse. When she oversteps my boundaries with the insults etc I tend to put her on hold after a warning (not gonna reward that behaviour either). Again, this makes things worse.
Eventually, even I blow up... only then things get better. Go figure :scratchhead:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Easy Partner, she probably wants to see some emotion from you. 

I can relate to that. My husband can be irritatingly calm. Often active listening works with me to calm me down when I am upset, but if it is done in at all a patronizing way, or what feels patronizing to me, even a hint, I get furious. 

Everyone wants to feel respected and considered.

We are a volatile/validating couple. Dh is naturally calm and steady, and I am more emotional. Quite emotional at times.

I want to see emotion in him. I want him to feel things the way I do. I want to feel like things matter to him, too, instead of everything rolling off his back.

It's a catch-22, though. One of the things I absolutely love about dh is how steady he is, the feeling that there is nothing I can do to rock him. But at the same time I am regularly trying to rock him. 

Who can really understand it?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I could never be with a guy who thought he had to "teach me how to treat him," or was afraid of "rewarding bad behavior," or a guy who felt obligated, for whatever reason, to leave the room when I would get angry. 

To me, that is all just a copout. It's a guy who is not emotionally strong enough in himself to handle me and my emotions. 

Fortunately for me, I happened to meet a different sort of man, one who can just accept all of me, because he is so secure in himself that what I do just does not rock him, does not shake his core. He is not threatened, and is even amused by what he sees sometimes. 

I have definitely heard, "You're beautiful when you're angry," and to be honest, that made me even angrier. 

And yet, to hear that when I am so upset? To hear that kind of unconditional love when other men would have already left the room because they could not handle my anger? Priceless. Incredibly reassuring. I just can't do anything so bad that he cannot work through it with me.

But maybe not all men can become emotionally strong enough to truly handle their woman's emotions, in all their depth, and so it is better to take that teaching and not rewarding and leaving the room path.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Interesting thread I've determined we're somewhere between style 2 and style 3. It really depends on the situation for us. The heavy things get dealt with in style 2 for sure. I actually learned this style from DH and I'm still getting the hang of it.
3 is mostly my style bc I tend to try to work through stuff in my own head a lot.I never really know if it's my bpd stuff making me feel that way or if it's a true issues that anyone would have. If I absolutely can't reconcile it within myself,I talk to DH about it.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

jld said:


> Easy Partner, she probably wants to see some emotion from you.
> 
> I can relate to that. My husband can be irritatingly calm. Often active listening works with me to calm me down when I am upset, but if it is done in at all a patronizing way, or what feels patronizing to me, even a hint, I get furious.
> 
> ...


This ^^^^. It IS a catch 22 for sure. Your dh and I have a few things in common it seems. Then again, how do you know with 100% certitude that your angry outbursts don't cause any resentment anyway? 

I believe that anger is a choice. So by getting angry in a bad way you go willingly for a negative interaction... remember the 5:1 ratio?

Mind you, I'm not talking about stuff described in the "volatile" section, but about real insults and put downs... in my best interpretation, these are sh*t tests... and I refuse to play that game... I don't see anything patronizing about that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> This ^^^^. It IS a catch 22 for sure. Your dh and I have a few things in common it seems. Then again, how do you know with 100% certitude that your angry outbursts don't cause any resentment anyway?
> 
> I believe that anger is a choice. So by getting angry in a bad way you go willingly for a negative interaction... remember the 5:1 ratio?
> 
> Mind you, I'm not talking about stuff described in the "volatile" section, but about real insults and put downs... in my best interpretation, *these are sh*t tests*... and I refuse to play that game... I don't see anything patronizing about that.


Well spotted! JLD has openly admitted on other threads she gives sh1t tests, and has no problems doing so. She considers men who don't play that game insecure.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Interesting thread I've determined we're somewhere between style 2 and style 3. It really depends on the situation for us. The heavy things get dealt with in style 2 for sure. I actually learned this style from DH and I'm still getting the hang of it.
> 3 is mostly my style bc I tend to try to work through stuff in my own head a lot.I never really know if it's my bpd stuff making me feel that way or if it's a true issues that anyone would have. If I absolutely can't reconcile it within myself,I talk to DH about it.


Interesting.

Same like my wife and I.

She tends to process stuff in her head and prefers to avoid conflict.

Me on the other hand prefer to discuss it, right away so that we could get on to other , more pleasant matters.
But we just give and take, depending on her mood.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> I understand the 5-1 ratio as the ideal as too much conflict takes its toll, and I understand the reasoning in too little conflict as well. * I would just tend to disagree, or at least suggest that a lack of conflict does not equate to lack of passion.* I know these things are just general indicators, but I don't feel a bit bad that our good-bad ratio is so high.


 Every one has some conflict...that's just a part of living & breathing...it's all in how we deal with it....I thought I would look up a lack of passion.....and came across this article *>>*

 Does Your Relationship Lack Passionate Sex? 7 Ways to Bring The Passion Back...and what was #4...



> *4*. *Conflict*
> 
> Are you conflict avoidant? Do you see conflict as a problem rather than as a learning opportunity? Is conflict something you have to win, or are you willing to learn from it? People who avoid conflict by giving in or withdrawing, or people who attack and blame and have to be right and win, create an unsafe relationship environment where conflicts don't get resolved. Unresolved conflicts can create resentment, which may lead to a lack of being attracted to your partner.
> 
> ...


Back in the day....when me & H had Less sex...(oh it was phenomenal when we got to it) but what was wrong with us!... We wasn't fighting much.. what happened.... I/we allowed a little "APATHY" to creep in....I was too focused on the kids, reading books at night in bed (sometimes with a baby in between us) ...Projects on the brain...I was pretty content really... .and he let me do it !!......playing Mr Passive, didn't want to rock the boat...he should have shook me up, grabbed my book & thew it on the floor...told me what for, caused a TIFF ... I was never the type to go retreat , so yeah....

Comparing then to NOW.. we're much better off with a few heated exchanges now & then....gets the dopamine stirred... we haggle it out... PASSION! Had my husband read an article like this back in the day..it might have helped him see a different view... 



> Why Avoiding Conflict Can Kill Sexual Desire
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> *Samyeagar said:*
> * And how does he define interaction anyway? If I am making dinner, and she is over by the fridge getting something and she looks up at me and winks out of no where, and goes back to what she was doing, I'd call that a very positive interaction, and if those are counted, then we are way higher than 10-1 because those types of interactions happen a dozen times a day, where we can go days without a hint of argument or disagreement. Lets suppose she asked me to grab something for her from the fridge, and I forgot when she asks me where it is...her reaction would be "It's ok baby, I forgot such and such earlier," or something along those lines, so how could that be a negative*?


 Not a negative at all....Yeah I don't know what he means either.. really..... 5 to 1 doesn't sound very high to me at all... if you count stuff like this.. Heck I'd call us 40 to 1.... we get along really well.....our interactions keep me on a steady high most of the time...and I know he feels the same -despite those low points where I get a little worked up..

Honestly..I think Mid life pms brings most of my irritable moments on.. but with that came the higher insatiable sex drive...(poor husband!)... I can feel the rain cloud coming on me....suddenly I am more emotional, if I saw a Hallmark commercial, I'd be crying!...I seem to get more "needy" during this time... more intense, and if something hits me the wrong way.. I start focusing on it -like a hamster stuck on a wheel .... where as outside of this time frame...the same things would just slide off of me...and I think to myself.. why the Heck did I cause all that ruckus!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting.
> 
> Same like my wife and I.
> 
> ...


That's how DH is really. He sometimes gets bent out of shape when I am brooding quietly to myself trying to determine if I should speak up or not.He seems to understand why I need to do it though so that's helpful.
My style used to be volatile and I always thought it made me feel better to be that way.I'm glad to learn a new way of handling conflict. It really helps in all aspects of my life too.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Great thread! I can't wait to read all of these responses but can't right now. We are more #3, except I don't know how to account for the fact that I usually end up letting him have his way because he is very persuasive. About once a year we have a volatile argument but I'm the only one who gets volatile. He stays calm and does not continue if I get volatile. We had two lastyear so I guess we won`t be having one this year.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> This ^^^^. It IS a catch 22 for sure. Your dh and I have a few things in common it seems. Then again, how do you know with 100% certitude that your angry outbursts don't cause any resentment anyway?
> 
> I believe that anger is a choice. So by getting angry in a bad way you go willingly for a negative interaction... remember the 5:1 ratio?
> 
> Mind you, I'm not talking about stuff described in the "volatile" section, but about real insults and put downs... in my best interpretation, these are sh*t tests... and I refuse to play that game... I don't see anything patronizing about that.


Because he has told me. He said when we were first together 21 years ago, he did feel frustrated and resentful. 

But then he decided to change his attitude. He decided to look beyond the outburst to what was motivating it. He says I often have valid reasons for being upset, and that he doesn't listen as well as he should. He says, "When there is a tantrum, someone is not listening."

Sam, you and I need to talk. We never really resolved our issue from that open marriage thread. We may have to agree to disagree, but maybe we should talk about it first. You and I are both emotional people, but maybe we could learn something from each other, if we can really try to understand where each other is coming from.

I am leaving for Children's Hospital in a little bit. Ds15 has his blood tests this morning to see if his cancer is back. I will check this thread in a few hours.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *EasyPartner said*: This ^^^^. It IS a catch 22 for sure. Your dh and I have a few things in common it seems. Then again, how do you know with 100% certitude that your angry outbursts don't cause any resentment anyway?
> 
> I believe that anger is a choice. So by getting angry in a bad way you go willingly for a negative interaction... remember the 5:1 ratio?
> 
> Mind you, I'm not talking about stuff described in the "volatile" section, but about real insults and put downs... in my best interpretation, these are sh*t tests... and I refuse to play that game... I don't see anything patronizing about that.


Jld can speak for herself... and I'm not trying to defend angry put downs & Sh** tests in any way..though I am sure I've done those myself....I just didn't know there was a name for this behavior...

When I read her story in the Successful Marriage section, It sounded so loving / praising...UNTIL I realized her Husband is only home 9 days out of the month !!! I was like







!...Do you realize this is less than 4 months out of the year !...and she has 5 kids at home, a son battling cancer, home schools and rarely gets out of the house.. ya know what...if that was me.. I'd be pulling my freaking hair out!








I would not be happy!! I don't know how she does it....honestly. 

I could NOT be in a marriage where my man was GONE that much.. I'd grow lonely... bored as h*ll ...(yes even with kids)... I just can understand her frustration...(us other women have no clue unless our men are gone that much)... I never see her complain about this...I just know how I would feel.. it would destroy our marriage, I enjoy togetherness too much.. 

It has to be part of the frustration ...her emotional needs are not being met ...ya know.... she knows this is her life...and she has chosen to make the best of it.....yet I can understand these outbursts...due to wanting more, craving more she has no control....so she keeps putting it down... there was a few women on her thread (Avon Pink was one) -who really laid that out there - coming to her defense...we seen her as too sacrificial ...and we could understand her meltdowns... 

Now in my situation.. SHAME ON ME.. I have the easiest road imaginable.. husband is always home, always loving...

Getting a little taste here though...last week.. for the 1st time in 16 yrs...he had to go out of town -for his job...he needs (3) "welding certifications"... he was gone 4 days... this week it will be 5 ...and he might have to go back next week too for another 5 days... I miss him!

He wanted me to go with him this weekend -to plan it out but everything came against us.....I did get upset !...we just couldn't work it out with all the kids, and school, then our Burb has a bad antifreeze leak he needs to get to, and our son's car broke down..too much at one time.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Because he has told me. He said when we were first together 21 years ago, he did feel frustrated and resentful.
> 
> But then he decided to change his attitude. He decided to look beyond the outburst to what was motivating it. He says I often have valid reasons for being upset, and that he doesn't listen as well as he should. He says, "When there is a tantrum, someone is not listening."
> 
> ...


JLD i pm'd you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks, committed. His tests were okay. I feel like I hold my breath for a few days before those tests every month. I am breathing again.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Thanks, committed. His tests were okay. I feel like I hold my breath for a few days before those tests every month. I am breathing again.


That's GREAT! So happy for you!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Thanks, committed. His tests were okay. I feel like I hold my breath for a few days before those tests every month. I am breathing again.


Happy to hear this Jld ...how to calm your worries through something like this...I can't begin to understand.... it can't be easy, you learn to live day to day, month to month and never take anything for granted.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

We're definitely type 1, volatile. Although we have recently learned to stop with the silly fights.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Happy to hear this Jld ...how to calm your worries through something like this...I can't begin to understand.... it can't be easy, you learn to live day to day, month to month and never take anything for granted.


Thanks, SA. I wish I did not understand it. It is like a shawl around us at all times. We just kind of have to wear it all the time.

Thanks for the empathy.


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

We vacillate between #3 and #4. When we're in #4 Hostile mode, is when I'm here looking for advice on TAM!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Duke said:


> *We vacillate between #3 and #4. When we're in #4 Hostile mode, is when I'm here looking for advice on TAM!*


So you AVOID conflict until you STEAM ROLL or ERUPT...-....

Why do you stuff and avoid? Are these always over the same things.. is their "tug of war" incompatibilities between the 2 of you that you haven't been able to resolve? Or do you feel it's more just the communication dynamic?

Working on "opening up the dialog" at the "seed stage" ...could be very helpful here.. if it's more of a communication breakdown that is. 

Good pointers in this article...maybe you & the wife could learn a new dynamic.. 

 PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE- Communication


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE- Communication


#3 in the link is where we fail. Over the years I have learned not to blow up or steamroll, but my wife has a habit of throwing sarcastic jabs my way as a matter of course. When she gets angry or emotional, even just when she is convinced she is right, she will use language that is harsh, critical, and sarcastic. It's her default communication style, and I don't think she realizes this harsh language is hurtful.

I grew up with a lot of criticism, so I'm very sensitive to it. I have learned not to escalate, not to stonewall mostly, but I have not yet found a good way to respond. I have told her, calmly, that this is unacceptable to me, but she thinks I'm overreacting. I'll keep working on this. We can discuss our differences but I'm not comfortable sharing my feelings with her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't think we're in any of these.

Sure we may have bounced between some of these styles at different times, but for the most part now, we're quick to express and call something out... but it's not to persuade the other person and not necessarily about compromise either. Yet I wouldn't describe us as 'volatile'. I couldn't say either of us erupt - however we are very open about how we feel. There is room to listen and gain understanding, sometimes there's some humor and banter in those moments too, or serious discussion. Heightened emotions sometimes occurs but it's rare that we'd have a huge 'passionate' blowout or display of anger.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I am completely number 3. I try and avoid as much as possible because once something comes up, that that just causes more to deal with.


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

SA,
Somehow I missed your post #21 above. Great food for thought.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am finding myself in the hostile type. Which is killing my marriage of eighteen years. With different partner I would be rather validating, maybe with tendency to avoidance. 
now, when we are trying to fix the long term damage, i have noticed we go for swiping under the rug in order to avoid another blow out. For how much longer who knows?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Duke said:


> *#3 in the link is where we fail. Over the years I have learned not to blow up or steamroll, but my wife has a habit of throwing sarcastic jabs my way as a matter of course. When she gets angry or emotional, even just when she is convinced she is right, she will use language that is harsh, critical, and sarcastic. It's her default communication style, and I don't think she realizes this harsh language is hurtful.*


#3 says...



> Interdependent couples are able to confront and criticize their partner in a non-judgmental, healthy, and non-blaming manner, without rage and without shaming. They also step up to the plate in accepting their own role in the marital conflict, accepting constructive criticism without becoming defensive or reactive.
> 
> Because they are able to accept their own flaws, their own need for change, and work on their own issues, interdependent couples are fully accepting of each other, including their flaws! It is much like each partner is holding up a mirror to the other. This mirror allows the partner to see both strengths and weaknesses, which can be seen as an opportunity for growth as opposed to a passive-aggressive way of hurting the other person.


 I'd say this paragraph is about being  self aware  of our own faults & shortcomings in conflict.. sometimes that's tough IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.... some need a BREAK.. need to get away for a TIME to cool down.. and some can just admit.. "Yep.. I'm being a Bi*ch".... I've done that a # of times.. maybe that's why my H can put up with me.. I can at least admit it .... I don't get TOO defensive if he calls me out.. I know the man is RIGHT!

My temper is more volatile by a long shot... days ago.. I got irritated with him cause he didn't pick up the Tuxes for our 2 sons Prom when the Shop called (and I was out)... could have saved me a trip (I was busy the next day)... Like why wouldn't he do that.. but ya know. he tried to call me. (I didn't have my phone on -Duh.. my fault too -YEAH!).... I escalated my tone to what was he thinking, should have picked them up -making it a much bigger thing than it should have been...

He was in the garage...walking away... I almost made it to the door of the house.. turned myself around...knowing what I sounded like.. walked back over there...hugged him and apologized.. it doesn't take me long.. doesn't mean my mouth doesn't get the best of me in a moment.. if he expected me to be perfect & never say a cross word.. he'd have to toss me!..... 

But it helps I can admit my faults & try to make it up to him.... He says I'm easy to forgive. 



> *Duke says : *
> I grew up with a lot of criticism, so I'm very sensitive to it. I have learned not to escalate, not to stonewall mostly, but I have not yet found a good way to respond. I have told her, calmly, that this is unacceptable to me, but she thinks I'm overreacting. I'll keep working on this. We can discuss our differences *but I'm not comfortable sharing my feelings with her.*


 and that's the sad thing about this ...for any of us..if we come at our spouse like a bear all the time.. much criticism.. it's going to steal that comfort in bringing anything vulnerable...which leads to these deeper places of intimacy & connection... we'll close the door on it..and we don't even realize what we are doing.. 



> *WandaJ said*: *I am finding myself in the hostile type. Which is killing my marriage of eighteen years. With different partner I would be rather validating, maybe with tendency to avoidance.
> now, when we are trying to fix the long term damage, i have noticed we go for swiping under the rug in order to avoid another blow out. For how much longer who knows?*


Was just looking over a couple of your threads WandaJ.. sounds like there is a lot of resentment there.. and now you are finding you are Higher drive.. but still even the sex is not enough to break down those walls ..it gets a little better , then you & he slide back...

Resentment that is not uprooted and worked through, forgiven from the heart... can be like a growing cancer to our relationships.. 

Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness

Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer 



> It’s also crucial that you find ways to share how you feel with your partner without (and this is the tricky part) dumping your anger all over them. Blaming and shaming them because you feel resentment is not likely to help them be able to hear what you have to say. Learning how to communicate well can be tricky, but there are plenty of great resources for it.
> 
> I’m a fan of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, and some friends and colleagues also speak highly of "Nonviolent Communication", Landmark, the Human Awareness Institute, and other models. The goal is to find ways to be able to share your feelings without pushing your partner away, while also being able to hear your partner’s feelings without feeling pushed away. Each person and each relationship will face different challenges around this, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution.


Sounds like this book could be of help.. if you are both on board *>> *Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Books ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> #3 says...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


SA, we do know theory. At this point I think this is loss cost for us. I have lost my will to fight for this marriage. Whatever happens happens.


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