# Sexless marriage



## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. We have 3 wonderful children, but i need some advice. I don't know if I'm a horrible or what, but my husband doesn't have sex with me. I don't even know the last time we did it. I thought men were supose to be sex fiends. I am 28 years old and he's 30. Ever since we got married, theres hardly been sex. Then I found out that he's on porn sights masterbating!!! What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me!!


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

It sounds like he has an addiction to pornography.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sounds like hes not emotionally attached to you.. I know I would choose making love to my wife over porn and we have been together for 18 years.. I watch porn as an alternative only.. He should want you..


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Sounds like hes not emotionally attached to you.. I know I would choose making love to my wife over porn and we have been together for 18 years.. I watch porn as an alternative only.. He should want you..


IMHO porn does not belong in a marriage. It causes problems such as what the OP stated. People are easily addicted to it and it begins to ruin their lives and relationships.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

I've actually confronted him about it. I told him what bothered me more was that he'd rather look at porn then touch me. His reply was that he was ashamed of his performance. I told him I didn't care about his performance just as long as we have sex. That was last year and nothing has changed. I'm going crazy with confusion. Am I overreacting?


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2009)

JennaRae said:


> I've actually confronted him about it. I told him what bothered me more was that he'd rather look at porn then touch me. His reply was that he was ashamed of his performance. I told him I didn't care about his performance just as long as we have sex. That was last year and nothing has changed. I'm going crazy with confusion. Am I overreacting?


No, your not over reacting. Pornography is addicting and doesn't belong in a marriage. You should probably seek professional counseling.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

His best friend has been trying to seduce me everytime I see him and I've almost taken him up on it. I just don't know how much longer I can lay in the same bed with a man who wont touch me.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

GLOCKnRN said:


> IMHO porn does not belong in a marriage. It causes problems such as what the OP stated. People are easily addicted to it and it begins to ruin their lives and relationships.


Anything is good in moderation.  The problems happen when it does become an adiction.. Facebook is ok but too much is BAD!! Eating is ok but too much is bad.. I don't think porn is bad per say but if used to fantasy about being with somebody else rather then your wife. then ts a problem..


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## FoundLove (Aug 23, 2009)

GLOCKnRN said:


> IMHO porn does not belong in a marriage. It causes problems such as what the OP stated. People are easily addicted to it and it begins to ruin their lives and relationships.


Agreed~:smthumbup:


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## wherewegofromhere (Sep 1, 2009)

JennaRae, 

Sometimes I think we forget that men respond to stress just like we do. While men typically have a more active sex drive, just as we aren't "in the mood" I think the same happens for men. 

You mentioned he was nervous about his performance? Well I'm sure that could very well be a source of a great amount of stress for him. You said you told him you didn't care about his performance as long as you had sex and to me, it sounds like what probably would have been a good idea is to reassure him of his sexual performance. I'm assuming that you're satisfied with it, otherwise I can't imagine you would _want_ to have sex with him. 

Maybe I'm modern but I don't see anything wrong with porn in a marriage as long as it isn't a secret.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

I tried to reassure him once, but he thought I was trying to be nice. One time he came home plastered out of his mind and we had sex. It lasted longer than normal and I actually kept thinking to myself when was it going to end. It's not the amount of time I care about, it's the closeness I feel before, during and after.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

JennaRae said:


> I tried to reassure him once, but he thought I was trying to be nice. One time he came home plastered out of his mind and we had sex. It lasted longer than normal and I actually kept thinking to myself when was it going to end. It's not the amount of time I care about, it's the closeness I feel before, during and after.



Then you have to let him know that sex isn't giving you what your looking for. If you don't the problem will only grow as you pull back cause your not getting what you want out of it..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sounds like he doesn't feel he lasts long enough, but you prefer it quick anyway...so that shouldn't be an issue.

His issue might be from viewing porn and comparing himself to the guys in there that seem to go on and on and on....he may have a skewed view of what 'normal' is.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

JennaRae said:


> His reply was that he was ashamed of his performance.


The porn is probably not helping his self image on that front.

What do you really think about his performance? Is he good in bed (for you)?

When it comes to sex, a guy's ego is much more fragile than many women give him credit for. I know it sounds whacko, but from what you've said, he might think it is easier for him to take care of himself, than risk disappointing you in bed. It's going to be pretty tricky to reassure him, and convince him that you mean it.

In addition to reassuring him, have you offered to help him "practice".  You know what they say, "practice makes perfect", and you'd like to practice with him.....a lot.... 

Infrequent sex actually make the performance issue worse (I speak from experience!). "I'd better make this time great, because I won't get another chance for a while". Where, if you know tomorrow is another day, and another chance, then it takes the pressure off a bit. 

And I wonder if he would be open to trying to read a book or two with you? Something like Mars/Venus in the Bedroom perhaps? Maybe experiment with Tantric?

I'm grasping at straws here, but it does sound like he needs to learn how to lighten up a bit about sex, and just enjoy it.

Maybe offer to watch 'training videos' with him? NOT porn! But the technique types that you can find at places like adam&eve?


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

He doesn't read...unless it has to do with sports!! I've gotten those different sex position books. I've showed him some positions that looked easy, but he wanted nothing to do with it. I would even try asking him for sex in his truck or the couch or the kitchen. He wanted nothing to do with that either. How do I get him to open up and not be so shy about sex?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

There needs to be some kind of sexual compatability test pre-marriage. Maybe with litmus paper or something. Jenna, Im sorry for what you are going through. You are in good company here though, there are alot of us going through the same thing. My wife doesnt want sex more then once a month. It's painful for me. I continue to try to work through it, though the process is going on 6 years now. I wont give up. Neither should you. Do NOT have sex with whoever it is that is seducing you. That is a mistake you will regret for the rest of your life and IMO only serves to cheapen you.


John


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

JennaRae said:


> I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. We have 3 wonderful children, but i need some advice. I don't know if I'm a horrible or what, but my husband doesn't have sex with me. I don't even know the last time we did it. I thought men were supose to be sex fiends. I am 28 years old and he's 30. Ever since we got married, theres hardly been sex. Then I found out that he's on porn sights masterbating!!! What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me!!


That is the problem with porn, Totally "intellectual" with the emotional attachment removed....... I don't think porn or cyber sex is healthy period

he may have gotten into porn out of pure curiosity, and got hooked, lets face it, it is easy not to have to deal with reality eh?

how many times have people said in general "Oh I couldn't be bothered" or "who cares"


I would not attack him, as a person, just explain what you beleive is happening to him and that technically your marriage has become a triangle....him, " internet woman" and yourself

he needs to know exactly what is happening , and then maybe things will change, and you guys can take it from there as a married couple 

good luck!!


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## bella17 (Aug 12, 2009)

Hey Jenna, I am in exactly the same position. I'm 27 and he is 31 and he doesn't want sex with me. We have been married for 2 and a half years... It is painful but as John says above, don't give up and DON'T have sex with his friend! Reading your story has really helped me feel like I am not alone - that I am going through what someone else is going through so thatnks for your post. Sorry I can't give any advice, I am reading your replys avidly!
bella


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Did anyone ever ask him if his performance is due to his porn habit? If porn happened before you it may have well reduced his ability to respond to you and thus his "performance" suffers.

Porn isn't the solution to his problem. It is likely the cause of his problem.

To me this would be a deal breaker. He either quits porn and learns to have sex with you or he can file for divorce because he clearly prefers masturbation to a real relationship.


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## peeter (Sep 4, 2009)

work it out perhaps his low sex drive comes from issues he is having or perhaps you could turn him towards Viagra. I would definitely try to work it out though before you just give it up




__________________
Sexless Marriage


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Viagra doesn't effect the sex drive.

Past that, masturbation and porn are often not about sex. They're poor coping mechanisms or other issues. 

His problem isn't sex. His problem is porn and perhaps underlying anxiety issues. But the porn has to go first.


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