# Your in laws during your divorce



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I'd like to hear about your experiences regarding the treatment you got from your inlaws especially if you were the betrayed spouse and your wayward spouse was the one to file for divorce.

When I disclosed my husband's affair to his brother, SIL, MIL they were all shocked at first. They tried or at least that's what they told me to speak to my H but he just kept singing the same tune that he has not been happy for few years(no mention or showing of anything during those two years), that he thought having a baby would change things, blah,blah....

Then he started excluding me from family events like he nephews bday, mil bday. The family does not leave close by so he would just take our son and go to these events without me. 

Our divorce will be final in two weeks. Since April 2010 when I disclosed his affair his brother and my SIL have never even picked up the phone to ask if nothing else out of courtesy how I was doing. On two occasions they sent some clothes for our son so I wrote an email to thank them. That was the only contact I had. MIL would make more effort to contact me but she is also a two faced woman who never particularly liked me. 

Now during my 9 years with my H(5 married) he never had a close relationship with his brother and I did not try to go more than what he put into this relationship. He also found his mother annoying so he would not always return her phone calls. Sometimes I would had to almost nag him to call her back. Yet this same woman now blames me for him not calling her back, for his brother not being able to come to our wedding in the Caribbean(we had a destination wedding) because his wife was about 8 months pregnant. My H did not want to move the date any further and his brother at the time did not seem to have a huge problem. Yet my MIL tries to blame me for that too. 

Husband and I had an unwritten agreement that he would deal with his family and I would deal with mine.

Last year on two occasions both SIL and BIL basically said to me over the phone that they could not even imagine living near my MIL again. My SIL even said something along the lines that they had to move away so they can save their marriage.

So now that H and I are separated, I am in Canada with son he is still in the US for work. His brother also leaves in the US and my MIL is in Canada. So two weeks ago was nieces bday. She turned 1. I sent a gift for her in June when H went there for the other kid's bday because I knew I was not going to be at this bday. 

H came yesterday to pick up son and spend a week with him at my MILs. Last night on Facebook, my BIL posted photos from my niece's baptism. I guess they did that together with the bday party. He posted two photos: one with his side of the family and one with his wife's side of the family. I don't know why it bothered me really to see those photos. I did not think I would have been invited but at least they could have said something about the baptism. I would have sent a gift because I still consider them a family(despite H and their attitudes in this whole thing). So, I changed my privacy settings so they cannot see much about me basically almost like unfriending them. 

When I came back to Canada I sent a quick note to friends and family that son and I are back and gave them our new address and phone number. Neither BIL nor SIL acknowedged the email.

So basically the treatment I am getting from his family is as if I am the one that had the affair not him. Heck I was even willing to go the separation route and work whatever might have been broken in our marriage(my husbands words and actions until Nov 09 would have never even given me the hint that something was wrong in the marriage). Husband seems all in good mood before the divorce. My mother in law has already removed our wedding photo from her living room where she keeps photos of grandkids, her sons weddings etc. I noticed that beginning of Aug when I took son there for few days. I did not say anything.

So how do I deal with these feelings? It obviously bothers me from one end, I love my husband on the other end and I have to face reality that he may not ever be back in my life. I really don't know how to deal with all this. I invested so much in this marriage for quite some time and all I wanted to have was a happy family. I could careless if my husband was a CEO or not, of course I was proud that he achieved that position at his age because he does work really hard and he is very well respected in his industry. On one occasion my MIL tried to call me a golddigger(she did not use the word but implied to it). That really upset me so I gave back all the jewlery my H has bought for me over the years. At first he was upset about it but I insisted he take it back and I told him why. He knows his mother has a big mouth and sometimes says things without thinking and he knows that material things don't mean a lot to me. 

Sorry for the long post but I had to put this somewhere. Please share your experiences and how should behave in the future with these people.

Thanks


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

My inlaws are the same as yours. we were married 10 yrs he cheated, still denying it though. His family is so selfcentered, I am only in contact with his mothers brother and his wife, they are my support. they told me so many family secrets I dont even know if stbx knows half of them. His family is all about the money that he is about to lose. His aunt and uncle said his family will never blame him, I must have caused him to go cheat. I have there first grandchild and they dont bother with him, he was sick for 2 weeks in the summer and I never even got a phone call. he is 6 yrs old. stbx mother and father are divorced. fil has a beautiful heated inground pool that they no my son loves to go in. and i would have had no problem with them picking him up to go swim but nothing. mil always told son she would visit and hasnt and I am tired of her dissapointing him. I had it out with her last week. they are my sons only grandparents as i lost my parents young. I have wonderful siblings though, and stbx isnt the greatest father either so thank god for my brothers. we go to my families all the time and I told mil we dont need them anymore. I am tired of watching my son get the **** end because of his father, it isnt my sons fault yet it seems they are taking only their sons side. I am better off without them. money seems to be more important to them, they grew up with silver spoons in there mouth and dont know how to truely love. My son will grow up with love. he has all the love he needs between me and my family. mil was pissed but too bad. I have been meaning to tell her off for the longest time. she to has a nerve calling herself a mother, as she was never there for her children, through her divorce she only cared about her feelings not her kids and thats why her sons are the way they are. my son never seen me cry during this. I have to stay strong for him and dont need stbx's family screwing it up. my mil took our wedding picks down real fast also. see she was spoiled by her sons after the divorce, they bought her new cars all the time bought her a condo(she has alot of money) but she once told her brother and sil that her sons owed her, for her taking care of them. what kind of mother says that. so when her sons got married she hated us, cause it wasnt about her anymore. real sad. there family life could be a lifetime movie. so I dont dwell on the inlaws, i am protecting my son and myself and dont need their approval for anything. In the beginning they were all on my side saying hes a fool he will regret it. but I dont care anymore. its not about them or him its about keeping my son and myself happy. My sil calls from time to time, think she might be afraid one day this will be her, i already see the signs and think she does to. they get bored real fast with the family thing. mabey cause they never had to want for anything, if they wanted a new car got it. new house got it. the father builds million dollar homes and sells them 2 yrs later because he gets bored. so i guess the saying is right children learn by example. so dont put to much into the inlaws. blood is thicker than water(shame my son is their blood) but whatever, he has me forever.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

We used to live with the in laws. I got fed up from their crap and left while pregnant. I live with my parents now, in another country. Back then I did not even think about divorce, but in laws ignored my whole pregnancy, and even after I gave birth. Yet they claimed they wanted me and h to not separate... After I filed for divorce, husband's sister blocked me on facebook lol but his cousins are still nice to me and we talk and joke and everything. Anyone else from his family, parents, grandparents etc have not talked to me since the baby's birth.

I do not consider them family anymore and could care less if they're alive or dead.


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

My inlaws used say I was part of the family, how they would always be there for me, even if something happened. Now they have closed ranks and make excuses for his betrayal. 

At first they said they would be supportive then started putting conditions on this support. Eventually it got if i wanted to remain part of their lives I would have to accept the other woman. Thats the point I realised I had to stop the emails and texts for my sanity. So I got rid of all contact details and now only answer their very occasional texts with a vague answer.

I suppose blood is thicker than water.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My story is almost the same as yours. I was never that close with my estranged husband's family. They were too dysfunctional for me. I can best describe the relationship as cordial. However, I always encouraged my husband to call and visit them. In addition, I always made sure their grandchildren were available to spend time with them. LOL! That's entirely another story though! I can count on ONE hand the times the children stayed with them.

However, they actually kept encouraging their son to leave me. The in-laws had a horrible marriage, so they kept telling my husband they didn't want him to be like them. He was the one cheating and he couldn't figure out why he had one angry wife at home. Husband clearly omitted a lot of details.

After my husband and I separated, I pretty much wrote all of the in-laws off. I have a very close and loving family who accepts me and my children. I don't need people like the in-laws in my life--negative people. Besides I did contact my father-in-law soon after the separation and asked for his assistance. I knew my husband had a major spending habit going on and also knew that would destroy our business if left unchecked. Well, my FIL never returned my call. When things got really bad last year my very elderly mother wrote my FIL a very nice letter. My mother basically asked that he help with the situation--it was a very compassionate mother's plea for help. She included some of the "proof" and offered the entire family's support (if he would help). My FIL didn't even have the decency to reply to her letter.

My therapist was really touched by my mother's letter. The therapist said I needed to move on and leave ALL of that family in my past. And time does help with that as well.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The only people that I am in touch with my husband's family on a more regular basis is one cousin here in Canada and the wife of one of his cousins in Europe(via Facebook mostly). The last one in Europe actually went through her husbands infidelity and totally understands what I am going through. But she is still married to the guy and he basically came to his senses a week after he got caught in bed with the OW.

The cousin here in Canada wrote my husband an email basically telling him that things in marriage don't just happen that it is work. Don't know if he ever replied to her.

The family from Europe told me that MIL called them and was all upset that son maybe was doing something he would regret later. This family member was also the one who told me that MIL few years ago said some negative things about me when she went there for a visit. The daughter of this lady in Europe was visiting Canada about 6 years ago and we all had lunch at MIL place. In the few hours that she saw me she noticed that MIL treated me differently than my SIL. And we were not even married then. She told that to her mother when she returned(the girl is studying psychology now). I did not hear about this until recently though.

I have a son and if he ever does what my husband did I would be really mad. I may not write him off the family but I would make sure at least he would apologize for that behaviour.


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

My in-laws are great. They support both of us. I actually feel like they are more on my side at times. They are religious people and really feel like we made a big mistake not going church during our marriage. They are praying that my wife and I get back together. Her parents actually took me to their church last Sunday.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Do you think I should continue to send Xmas cards and small bday gifts to the children? They will probably do the same for my son but not sure if they will send it to my house or my H home. In other words do I continue to be the bigger and better person despite their attitude?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If they send the cards and gifts to your ex's house, then I would no longer worry about it. I would see it as the ex's responsibility to reciprocate. My in-laws sent nothing here, so I felt no obligations. And considering their behavior.....it has been easier to move on.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

827Aug said:


> If they send the cards and gifts to your ex's house, then I would no longer worry about it. I would see it as the ex's responsibility to reciprocate. My in-laws sent nothing here, so I felt no obligations. And considering their behavior.....it has been easier to move on.


:iagree:

_notreadytoquit_ after I filed for divorce, MIL badmouthed me to people too, although her aim was to get me and my h "back together" but I don't see how you win someone back by b**ching about them heh I'm pretty sure she did that before I left, but her and her son's actions after the filing is what matters.

People also got the guts to tell me how they really saw my husband and my MIL. Before that I had doubts about them until my closest family kind of put a stamp on it with their opinions and other people's too who told my parents but did not want to tell me because I was in love back then lol But they only expressed them after *I* opened up to them about MIL and H and their whole family. 

Oh well. Forget about them and if they're interested in your child they should make a move. I chased my husband about it, told him how he and his family ignore our child etc etc but it did not change anything one bit. Why should we (baby and I) care if they don't?

Here's my new motto "if you don't give a damn, we don't give a f***"


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Husband and MIL so far have shown interest in child. Husband speaks/sees him on skype 3 times a week plus he comes to Canada two weekends in a month.

In my case it was husband who had an affair(to this day he denies it and tells people how the OW now ex husband tricked me with those emails) and I busted him and then he filed for divorce. Normally he is mad because I told family and friends so he started distancing me from the family first and I think they started eventually supporting him. When BIL spoke to his family in Europe he basically told them that him and his wife did not want to interfere. Since I have not heard directly from BIL in months but have just seen their behaviour of ignoring me, I cannot say 100% what they are thinking.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I must also admit that I have been little bit more obsessed as to what husband is doing, what inlaws are saying/doing/how they are acting. I still have access to one of the cell phones and he has not changed his password on his yahoo, facebook or linkedin accounts. However other than that "special invitation" he sent to the OW on linkedin there is nothing special in his yahoo or cell phone account. He still has the other "secret" blackberry.

Maybe I should let go and stop obsessing myself as to what he and his family are saying/ doing, where he is going and who he is talking to. Divorce will be official in about 2 weeks. I still have to come back to the US for the court date. I don't know but this is really difficult time for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honey, you gotta move on. His family has made their choice clear. Continuing to pretend that they care if you keep in their lives will only hurt you. I wish I had better advice, but I just don't see it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Thank you turnera and everyone else. I sometimes have to hear things several times before I start accepting them. This divorce has been very difficult for me emotionally especially by the fact that I have been treated as if I was the one having an affair.

I have already made efforts to move on. Other than looking for work, I am also looking to go back to University starting next year.

I found a brokerage that will also hold my real estate license in case I decide to go back to that profession and I don't have to pay too much money for it either.

I applied for every government related assistance that I can think of that relates to my child(it's not welfare but something most people with kids receive in Canada).

I also joined a meetup group of single parents in my area that is very active and full of kids of different ages. They organize different events almost every week not just for the kids but also for the adults. I have only been once at one of these events and I met some really great people. I may even become one of the organizers of these events.

I am also getting my son involved in some sports related kids activities for his age once a week for now.

I also plan to take a week's vacation with my sister just to get away somewhere to clear my head and get some good night sleep(I can't even get a full night sleep even with a sleeping pill right now)

So do you think I am on a good path here?

Oh and the paralegal at my lawyer's office suggested I join a detective agency when I told her my James Bond wayward husband busting experience


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That would be cool!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi notreadytoquit,
My husband's family is a big italian one but they don't discuss anything personal, it's so wierd, the only people I have actually discussed anything with is my two sister in laws married to my husband's brothers, they listened and were shocked, they are supportive and show a lot of compassion for me, My MIL has not even tried to talk to me about any of what her son has chosen to do. They just don't get involved, they call him a few times a week to make sure he is okay, but I am out of the picture with the family but that is the way they are with every situation, one of my husband's sisters had an affair a few years back and left her husband for the OM, they are now married......my inlaws believe her story about meeting the OM after the separation, the OM moved in a week after her husband left, they where blinders to the truth, they are religious people and chose to believe anything their children say.....I'm sure my inlaws must think it's my fault that he wasn't happy in the marriage......but I don't know that for sure, they have never called to see how I am........
It hurts that they think I'm the bad person but blood is thicker than the truth I guess.........
It hurts to be part of family for 27 years and not one of them called to see if I was alright.......sad how some people are


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## happysong (Jun 18, 2010)

Hi Nottoreadytoquit,

I am exactly like you, where money never attracts me and I never tire of trying my hardest to make things work.

I also have totally self-absorbed too faced in laws like you. Not only are they mean but their relatives seem to have a lot of issues with me too. Anyhoo, I want to ask you something totally different? 

I want to ask you, "Why do you care???" What they think of you should now be the least of your concerns now that you are going for the divorce. They sem to have ignored you all along. Now its your chance to ignore them and stop worrying about them. Focus on yourself and your son. 

If you want to work things out with your hubbie then do so. But dont let them bog you down. Remember nobody will care about yourself more than you :smthumbup:


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Happysong,

I care because I am a person like that, who cares about other people and does not expect anything in return. I am not one of those that says: I will do this for you if you do this for me.


We are now divorced officially as of almost a month ago. This morning I was just thinking about the money part of our marriage/divorce. When I met my H he already had a house, mortgage. That was in 2001. I did not move in with him on a full time basis until about 2003. He continued to pay the mortgage, most of the bills. I offered but since he was making about 4 times more money than I did he never wanted me to pay anything. I still took care of the house like it was my own, I bought groceries most of the time since he was always travelling for work. In the process we kept our finances separate. I always paid for my own expenses like cell phone, car insurance, extra school I took etc. He never had problem with any of this. When we got married in 2005 we kept the finances separate. At the time I got into real estate. That business requires a lot of upfront investment. I did not ask him for a penny at that time. In fact I continued to work part time to cover for those expenses. We even used my business to claim some of the home expenses on our taxes. 

Before real estate I was a travel agent. I was getting amazing hotel discounts so we travelled a lot using his airmiles and my hotel discounts.

Then we moved to CT for him to pursue career. I was not allowed to work in the US because of the type of visa we were on. We both knew that and he had no issue with that. I expressed few times how bad I felt for not being able to contribute financially but he kept reassuring me that I have no reason to feel that way. 

Even though I had access to our joint account and his high earnings, I was always watching how I spent money. He probably would have not cared if I went and bought a $500 dress but I never did. Heck I'd rather spend that money on healthy food for my family than for myself.

In the meantime we had a child so me staying home worked out perfectly to be able to take care of the child. I never bothered him mundane tasks, as I am very resourceful I took care of finding anything from the immigration lawyer that helped with the work visa, to dealing and organizing the entire move, pack/unpack, sell the house, find area suitable for us to live in CT, find new doctors etc, find cheaper car insurance so we are not paying arm and a leg. After all the plan was to save money by living in the US which with his spending habits we never did.

He then started an affair with a coworker and I busted him after some snooping around. He went to file immediately for divorce, not even apologizing or god forbid admitting the affair. And then when it came to divorce, all of a sudden it was all his money, I never contributed anything, I was even told by my ex MIL that I was trying to collect all his money with the divorce. When in fact not only did I not do that but I also gave him back every single valuable gift he has given me including all jewlery. At first he did not want to take it but I insisted. I was not going to be labled gold digger when I was really not. Honestly if we did not have a child I could careless if I got a penny out of him.

So now that we are divorced and living in two different countries, he brings from the US whatever I need for the child. In the meantime he has not asked one single time how I am doing, whether I found work or not. He does pay his child support/alimony on time and what i got out of all that was no where near what I could have gotten if I was really a golddigger and wanted to pursue this any further.

Sorry for the long rant, hopefully someone will read this and chime in their experience. I know I should probably get counselling to deal with all this but right now I have no insurance that will cover that. Our government health care system does not cover any of that.

Thanks for reading.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you should copy that post and mail it to your MIL and FIL.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I know this thread is about evil "in laws" but I can't say I really have the same experience.

I feel/felt very close to my MIL and I acknowledge that is a deep loss for me during this divorce. FIL was always kind of a distant man; can't say I really had a deep affection or friendship for him but I guess he was an okay guy. No complaints. They both were very generous over the years with us - of course, now. . .they perhaps think that the "gifts" they gave should be given back.

Of course, I may be the evil son-in-law who left their daughter with 3 kids and I acknowledge that too.

Sometimes I think I should talk to them but it's probably just best to leave sleeping dogs lie.


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## sarahani (Dec 20, 2010)

I guess I can say that I have been very fortunate with my in-laws. My husband cheated and is the one that left, he lives with them now. My mil calls me almost everyday and cries to me that she cannot accept that our marriage is broken. My 2 sil's have been very supportive as well. My fil, his uncle and aunt everyone...they tell me to stick it through and that we will reconcile. They insist on me coming over atleast once or twice a week. My mil went as far as to tell me that even if we never get back together I will always be her dil and that he cannot ever replace my position with another one especially the homewrecker that he continues to talk to. In the beginning when I 1st found out and told his mom she went as far as to call the OW and tell her to back off because they would never accept her into the family...guess it didn't help! Anyways I think it makes it tougher when you have this kind of support from his family to move on. It's like you are still a part of a family minus a husband, odd I would say but I truly love them for the support they have given me. I have a hard time saying no to her even though at times I just want to stay away...the lady has laughed with me, fought with me, and cried with me! I feel like I can't disapoint her yet her own son does! Ughhhh


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

I see all these posts and cant help but realize how stupid families can be. When you start out its all cool, they accept you, as soon as one person does something wrong, the YEARS you spent getting to know them means NOTHING.
Tomorrow night my wife has called a meeting between my mum and her mum and step dad, to sort out this "situation" my wife separated with me saying she wanted to be single, 1 month later starts a relationship with another guy, i did the whole depressed want her back thing, and recently change to will be Ur friend and will be here for you no matter what, just my way of coping.
Anyways, they more just want to discuss the fact my daughter is caught in all this and want to try and get all of us on the same page. My wife doesnt want to ring or bring my daughter over because she is scared of my mum. I just find this whole situation sooooooo funny. 
seriously, do they expect my mum to be happy? to be able to see what my wife is doing and roll over? Do they expect me to roll over while another man spends Christmas with my daughter? LOL im sorry maybe its my emotions, but i just cant help but laugh at their stupidity and blindness to what is happening...and it seems like all In laws are like this.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't have a lot of insight, unfortuntely. I was never very close with H's family and it has gotten even smaller and more remote since we married. HIs mother passed away and his father moved farther away to start a new life. I have not yet disclosed the affair to his father - I will probably do that very soon. He knows we are separated, but H and his father do not talk much so he is now turning to me for answers. I don't really expect much out of him. I guess that's the lesson here - the expectations of the spouses are so high and they disappoint beyond belief, so why wouldn't their families also disappoint?? I'm sorry for your situation and the fact that you feel completely left out and insulted by their feelings. The one thing I never would have done though is to give back the expensive jewlery and gifts. So what if they think you are a gold digger?? Those were things that your H gave to you during your relationship - not things that you stole out of your MIL's jewelry cabinet. Anyway, not much insight, but I guess I would suggest tht you just shut these people out. If they want to reach out for you, then you have a decision to make as to whether you want to talk to them. At this point, consider yourself lucky that you had to go back to your home country and that you don't have to associate with these folks and fight over your child while they stand around and judge. Don't ask about them, talk about them, or check up on what they're doing on FB. It will be better one day.


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