# He shuts off.. Ignores me :(



## oldbill43 (Feb 11, 2011)

Hello all, I have posted on here a few times. But feel I'd like some of your opinions on a few marriage long standing problems I have.

Ive been wrestling with the idea of moving on and leaving him for about 10 years, and when the kids left home a few years ago, I knew I could save up, and find somewhere, just the thought of up'ing and leaving without a word gave me relief. 

Been married 22 years, each one has been hell, but I was 19, knew nothing about life, quiet as a mouse, came from a abusive childhood and had no idea how a real family was meant to feel like.

Even back then my husband would state until blue in the face that he loved me, while paying me no attention, he could go days without talking to me but yet Id talk to him and get no response, and everything in the bedroom is for his enjoyment only. Because of my childhood, I didnt aim for satisfaction in sex, as I was still trying to come to terms with my abused past. Never had any counselling back then, we were told just to get on with it and forget it. But as you all know we all grow as we get older, and life teaches us things. 
So here I am, 3 children, a husband who seemed not to care or notice if I wore a bag over my head each day. 

I am a sensitive person, so when he repeatedly told me that it was all in my head that I was unhappy with him, it wasnt his fault, it was mine, that I should be on anti-depressants, I took myself off to the doctors. The doctor put me on Prozac, and I was on this for 10 years. 
Meanwhile the marriage stays the same, doesnt get better, he does what he wants, still ignores the kids, and me while not looking me in the face tells me he loves me, which sounds like he's fustrated with me. He thinks saying this will make me feel better. Spends no time whatsoever with me or the kids for the first 15 years of marriage. 

Meanwhile I go in and out of jobs, but I am sure its not me that needs to be on the Meds, and that rather than listening to him, I see the doctor, who takes me off the meds at my request. And Ive not touched any meds for 12 years. But still the marriage is painful, each day is painful. Sometimes I think by going on them would make it easier to live like this.

Okay I dont want to paint him to be a bad person, but I will be honest, as I need help to decide whether this is all in my head or not. 
He has no interest in the kids, but I know he loves them. 
Sex is terrible and degrading for me, has been since we got together, back then I didnt know better. It is almost like he actually forgets I am a living person. Very sad, and sometimes scary. 
He gets violent when drunk, but now I tell him to sleep it off in the girls old room, cringing while he's bashing the hell out of the door or walls. Its no-ones fault but his that he's had too much, but the anger is nasty and he blames everyone else. It then becomes obvious that he hates women, by the sneers and things he says until he passes out. It breaks my heart, as I dont want him to hate me. He does not drink that much now since his last heart attack.
Anyway I am now 43, Ive been a very good faithful wife, I have stayed trim and take good care of myself. I always look after the house, I work hard too, and have brought the kids up. I have been to college, gained many diploma's, and even worked in TV for a short while. I have heaps of confidence, and love myself, I write (this was therapy for me and helped me deal with my childhood) BUT I feel now that I have left him way behind. I dont want a man who breaks my heart, then looks at me like a puppy dog, like Ive hurt his feelings, because we both acknowledge that he treats me badly on a daily basis. He will say "But I love you" in a way that he's expecting me to forgive his actions. 

Recently my eldest child is going through an assessment process for Aspergers, the psychologist met my husband through this twice and actually said that he displayed some of the syptoms of Aspergers. 
I always knew that his behaviour was not right, and yes he does display the same traits. This however does not right everything that is wrong. And when I say wrong, I mean his selfishness, stubborness, ability to make me feel the worse person or crappy person ever. His inability to talk or hold a converstion that involves emotions. He is completely self centred, breaks promises, even though he makes them because he feels guilty about how he is. He has had two heart attacks because he would never eat properly, drank too much, and smoked 40 a day. And even now he still smokes, I just keep on telling him to get some life insurance.. he laughs and says "I will be alright"

I know I still feel a lot for this man, but I also know he is killing a part of me, its already made me resentful of the past years, when he kicked me when I was down, but what i dont understand is, how on earth can you leave someone when you still care for them??
Sorry this post is long, I didnt mean for it to be. Thanks for anyone that made it to the end of the post before getting bored


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Imagine if your daughter emailed you this about her boyfriend, what would you tell her to do??? Exactly!!!

The hand writing has been on the wall for years, but you stayed because you wanted to play family, but what you didn't get to play is a fulfilling marriage. You need to leave yesterday, you are done being his doormat. His self-centered and selfish. If he wants to ruin his life, let him do it by himself with no one else around. Everyday you spend there is a day wasted out of your life...


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What Rob said is right on, except for leaving "yesterday". You did well getting the kids grown and out of the house, getting your self educated and in a career.

NOW is the time to leave, before "bashing the hell out of the door or walls" changes to "bashing the hell out of my face".


----------



## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi I left and still loved and love him , we were together only four years and I kept trying by asking him to show me some love or attention , he just used to say " you know I love you you wouldn't be here otherwise" it's only been three months since I went and I need healling time which is what you will need , the message is simply .... I let my head rule my heart not the other way around. :smthumbup:


----------



## oldbill43 (Feb 11, 2011)

All your thoughts help, thank you!


----------

