# How do I put my shattered self-esteem & male pride back together again?



## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

I don't want to write a wall of text but I will answer any questions necessary to get the best advise.

My 2nd wife (together 11, married 8), recently had an EA with a co-worker (who left for another company during the EA), and we are actively working towards R. My wife knew early in the EA that it was a fantasy, would never amount to anything, felt intense shame and guilt, and was trying to disconnect from the OM before d-day but he was playing games with her head and full NC didn't occur until about a week after d-day and the NC letter. This was all verifiable through collaboration with OMW (another post, if needed). I, family members, and her best friends are convinced she's out of the fog and she's working hard with a IC to identify and address the issues she brought to the slow breakdown of the marriage and eventual EA. At this stage (3 and a half weeks since d-day), I am less worried about her contribution to the reconciliation than I am of my own... she has done everything you folks in numerous post to other 'walking wounded' have said a WS has to do. 

I sincerely want to R with my wife but I'm having a hard time putting 'Humpty Dumpty' back together again. My 1st wife of 20 years had an EA that culminated in her abandoning our two older boys and kidnapping the daughter to another state. After a short battle, I got the daughter back, divorced, and proceeded with the single-dad gig. Ironically, 6 years later, I got the "I screwed up" letter from the ex (go figure). I long ago (after a bunch of therapy) fully accepted my part in the breakdown of the 1st marriage and had thought that I had shed the vast majority of remaining baggage... silly me.

About a week before d-day, when I knew full well what was going on but still in partial denial, I found this website and was led to Athol's MMSLP book. After a half dozen chapters, I understood my part in driving her away (I was thoroughly beta-ized, more on that if needed) and I knew what I had to do and, after d-day and her re-commitment, have been working hard on my individual therapy and the MAP with mixed results. For the record, before any of you folks get antsy, I take no responsibility for the EA (She's fully done that), but I still have a lot to answer for in the decline of our marriage.

The part where I am clearly having difficulty is in my self-esteem and lack of male confidence, which pushes her away biologically and emotionally (because it's a constant reminder of the shame of her infidelity).

This is an area in which I will obviously be working with my IC, but I wanted to get some perspective and wisdom from you folks in how you rebuilt your self-esteem and achieved a measure of grace, inner-peace, and self-love, which is essential in the healing of both sides of the relationship.

Thanks for reading.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You just have to make it happen brother.

I would say the best way to develop yourself into the man you want to be is to sit down and figure out what it is you want to be! 

I mean, it might be something as simple as keeping a daily journal. At the beginning of the journal you write down a list of the attributes you wish to develope, then take each one, one at a time, and work on that one specific goal for a certain period of time. 

From everything I have read it takes six months of daily repetition to rid yourself of a bad habit, and replace that bad habit with a new positive one. So each one of your goals needs to be dealt with one at a time, and you should give yourself a set amount of time for each. If no progress has been made in that time, then you need to shelve that one and start on another. 

Here are some ideas for goals:

1) Be a leader to your wife and kids - lead your family, don't defer responsibility to your wife;

2) Get in shape physically;

3) Be your wife's boyfriend, not her husband; 

4) Be assertive and agressive in bed;

5) Quit asking permission for everything; make plans and tell your wife what you will all be doing (vacations, dining out, family nights out, etc.)

6) Be more fun and spontaneous with your wife and kids...


These are all traits of a leader.... an Alpha if you want to call it that.

Maybe this will work for you.


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