# Husband keeps talking about another woman



## Happilymarried..I think

I have been married for 10 years but have been with my husband for 14 years. We have 4 kids 13, 5, 2 and 1 so you can say we are pretty busy. We are usually busy being parents and make little time to be a couple.

My husband has pretty much always kept work and home seperate and really never talked too much about his co-workers. Recently I noticed he kept bringing up a female co-worker to me. He would say that his friend did this, she went there, she bought that, she would lend him this and I started to think that he talks about this woman quite a bit. I didn't want to let him know that I have caught on to him discussing her but I have. I have also noticed that the last month he was a little distant which caused some major problems but recently I noticed that he has been really sweet and loving again. He still brings this woman up even though she recently was laid off and does not work with him anylonger. They recently became friends on Facebook and she seems to "Like" everything he posts. Even the pics of him and I together so she knows that he is married.

I recently found some texting between him and her, it was mostly professional, her asking if anyone else has been laid off or if he knows anyone at other companies that he may be able to put a good word in with for her. The texting went on for a few days and I noticed that there seems to have been some missing texts in the conversation, certain texts were deleted. I did notice that an address was texted to my husband and I believe it was hers. I can usually account for my husbands whereabouts. He leaves that house at 8am (for work) and is home before 5pm (after work) everyday. He never goes anywhere else.

My husband was talking about his co-worker again and told me that when she was laid off he helped pack her stuff up and he felt so bad. When he was texting her, he told her that he was there for her. I know that I should follow my intuition and I know that there are some obvious red flags but when or how should I react or am I making too much out of it?

The funny thing is he did not have a name for her in the beginning. He just kept talking about "his friend." He mentioned her name for the first time this weekend.

This is what throws me off though.

1. He was distant but now he is sweet and loving again.
2. He posted a picture of him and I on our anniversary on his FB and she "Liked" it. 
3. He changed his profile pic to a picture of him and I together so he is portraying a happy marriage.

BUT, he still brings her up a lot and they were texting. Not sure of what to think. Confused.


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## yellowstar

Personally I wouldn't like that either. I know every couple has different boundaries but for me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Have you asked him about his thoughts about her? Maybe ask him and then tell him how it makes you uncomfortable. Then listen/watch carefully to see if he respects your boundaries or if something else is going on. I've been there, luckily there wasn't anything going on with my husband but the feeling of being unsure sucks. GL!


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## WorkingOnMe

He obviously feels an affection for her. Does it rise to the level of an EA? Based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like it. I have people I care about, in the way that a friend cares about another. Or maybe even in the way a father cares for a child. Possibly she's just going through her career path and he want's to help by giving guidance etc...

If it were a guy you would think that the guy is trying to stay friends as part of his career "networking" strategy. I suspect the same thing is happening here.

At the same time, I'd say to remain vigilant. This kind of relationship can easily escalate. She's feeling vulnerable because she was laid off. So let me ask you, does he have ANY reason to feel vulnerable? Does he have any reason to feel neglected? That's the type of thing that could quickly make things escalate.


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## Hope1964

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You are not over reacting.


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## Happilymarried..I think

I guess I am more worried about things escalating. I know of one time that him and I had special passes to an event and we went. He later told me that his "friend" was there too. I asked him why she never said hello to him or us, he didn't reply. I also remember him being distant the night of the event. Things changed over one month but seem to be going back to normal. About three weeks ago we had a huge fight and for the first time in our relationship he said that maybe we shouldn't be together. I agreed and went to stay at my moms. He later called me and said that he loved me and he didn't want to be without me. I went home the next day and we worked on things and they have gotten better.


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## somethingelse

If you feel that this is not right, then you should tell him to stop talking to this woman. It sounds like she is stepping on your toes. Trying to infiltrate in on your M slowly. 

Who knows if your H is lying or telling the truth about their R. But from what you have seen already, he has lied to you about going to her house because he didn't tell you. He has deleted texts, so he didn't want the risk of you seeing them. He has avoided confrontation between you and her. That's a big red flag.

If she is "only a friend" to your H, then wouldn't he want to introduce the two of you? Does he introduce you to his male friends usually? and from the sounds of it, these two are pretty good friends if they are talking often.


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## Jamison

I would for sure keep an eye on this. Even if nothing is really going on doesn't mean something might not start. She needs to get some female friends to confide in, text etc, not a married man.


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## WalkingInLight

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I know that I should follow my intuition and I know that there are some obvious red flags but when or how should I react or am I making too much out of it?


Nope, you're not making too much of it. This is how cheating starts.


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## wiigirl

WalkingInLight said:


> Nope, you're not making too much of it. This is how cheating starts.


My thoughts exactly....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I guess I am more worried about things escalating. I know of one time that him and I had special passes to an event and we went. He later told me that his "friend" was there too. I asked him why she never said hello to him or us, he didn't reply. I also remember him being distant the night of the event. Things changed over one month but seem to be going back to normal. About three weeks ago we had a huge fight and for the first time in our relationship he said that maybe we shouldn't be together. I agreed and went to stay at my moms. He later called me and said that he loved me and he didn't want to be without me. I went home the next day and we worked on things and they have gotten better.


Red flags, dear. 

The fact she was there ad didn't make herself known and he didn't point her out, the fact he won't shut up about her, the fact he got distant, the deleted texts...and why is he texting her? They don't work together anymore. 

Keep your eyes WIDE open. I would bring it up to him like "I notice you mention X's name a lot."


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## canttrustu

Just to mention quickly that that is how I figured out initially that something was going on with my H and a coworker/boss. He talked about her *incessantly*. And he got a strange text at a very important time in our lives when our child was ill. She was 'overly' concerned for a coworker. I said so- he blew it off. Then as time went on he spoke of her more and more. Everytime I turned around it was OW this OW that....

THAT turned out to be a year long EA!!! Dont ignore your insincts. Pay attention to his email(I hacked his) and his phone log. Trust your gut- I wish I had.

We are in R now but ultimately he had to quit his job and its been a very very long road.

Best of luck.


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## canttrustu

Jellybeans said:


> Red flags, dear.
> 
> The fact she was there ad didn't make herself known and he didn't point her out, the fact he won't shut up about her, the fact he got distant, the deleted texts...and why is he texting her? They don't work together anymore.
> 
> Keep your eyes WIDE open. *I would bring it up to him like "I notice you mention X's name a lot."*




And when you do- Pay VERY close attention to his reaction.... If he gets defensive -MAJOR red flag. If he uses the word "JUST" as in 'just friends' etc....BIG red flag. 

EA or not- his behavior(texting, going to her house, talking about her constantly and not introducing you) is not appropriate for a married man. 

Educate yourself and do what you need to do. QUickly.


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## Jellybeans

When you say it to him, do it calmly. Don't sound accusatory. Gauge his reaction.


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## Vaya Con Dios

yellowstar said:


> Personally I wouldn't like that either. I know every couple has different boundaries but for me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Have you asked him about his thoughts about her? Maybe ask him and then tell him how it makes you uncomfortable. Then listen/watch carefully to see if he respects your boundaries or if something else is going on. I've been there, luckily there wasn't anything going on with my husband but the feeling of being unsure sucks. GL!


I agree with yellow star...Most, If not all men like attention from another woman, but it doesn't mean something is going on, I know as I did this exact thing to my wife...pure Ego that's all it was, my wife said STOP!! And I did..Not immediately as I didn't want offend my friend...I Have many regrets in life, upsetting my wife is one.
I'm sure you will be fine.


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## canttrustu

Vaya Con Dios said:


> I agree with yellow star...Most, If not all men like attention from another woman, but it doesn't mean something is going on, I know as I did this exact thing to my wife...pure Ego that's all it was, my wife said STOP!! And I did..Not immediately as I didn't want offend my friend...I Have many regrets in life, upsetting my wife is one.
> I'm sure you will be fine.


yes. The key here is HIS reaction to your concerns. If you ask him to stop texting her-does he? Thats what you should look at. If he backs off b/c it bothers you- youre good to go-if he wont/doesnt- BIG problem. Careful though, mentioning that he talks about her could tip him off to be more careful.... Think it thru. Its bothersome that he acted distant when he knew she was there...


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## Happilymarried..I think

I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me. I don't think he realizes that he is talking about her and looks for reasons to bring her up or if has even noticed that I have caught on. 

I dont want to confront him yet. I am waiting a couple of more days to see if there is anymore communication between them.

Thank you all for your advice. You are all really helping me alot. I appreciate you listening too.


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me. I don't think he realizes that he is talking about her and looks for reasons to bring her up or if has even noticed that I have caught on.
> 
> I dont want to confront him yet. I am waiting a couple of more days to see if there is anymore communication between them.
> 
> Thank you all for your advice. You are all really helping me alot. I appreciate you listening too.


I think waiting(and listening and paying attention to all other things) is a good move at this point. One of the biggest mistakes I made was calling him on it when I was only suspicious. He stonewalled, got defensive and suddenly started paying alot of attention to me. Be careful that CAN be a form of gaslighting. Not saying it is, just could be. I was for my H. A way of throwing me off so to speak. Try a VAR in his car? If he's talking to her-its likely in his car. Then you'll know exactly the nature of the relationship. 

Just a suggestion.


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## Happilymarried..I think

Is a VAR a voice activated recorder?


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> Is a VAR a voice activated recorder?


Yes. Its harmless. If you find nothing- then there ya go. You need not ever tell him. If there's something to find I suspect you may find it with that.


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## Twofaces

He sounds really slick. And manipulative. My H used to do this kind of crap years ago when he cheated before. Yes everyone, he cheated before, this aint my first rodeo. Just the worst one. 

Anyway. He is doing these things soo that youu wont be suspicious. Right in front of your face is the best offensive and defense in his mind. 

Hes probably having sex with this woman or at least wants too. 

Be very careful how youngo about this, act as if all os normal and then....

Put a VAR in his car. Get a hold of his cell phone and spyware it. Spyware his computer. I didnt read all of the thread. Is she married? If so, Suggest dinner with her and her husband. Watch the dynamics between your husband and her. Learn as mich as you can about the husband casually, like where he works, etc somthat you can expose these two if it tirns out they are indeed bumping uglies. 

Dont let this slide. Do what you must to protect yourself. 

Good luck


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## canttrustu

canttrustu said:


> Yes. Its harmless. If you find nothing- then there ya go. You need not ever tell him. If there's something to find I suspect you may find it with that.


Youll need to put it under his seat and leave it for at least a week(checking everyday of course)


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## curlysue321

Would bother me too. Just keep your eyes open. Being jealous could push him away, but stay on your toes.


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## jennifer1986

I think there are many red flags. 

As for why he's all of a sudden being sweet, but still talks about her, my take is he is trying to clean up his action (meaning coming out of an EA), yet he still feels the attraction to her. 

Your staying with parents/leaving for a day probably made him remember his love for you. However, the attraction for OW can be so strong he will be drawn back again. 

Sometimes the WS doesn't even know he/she is really falling into it. They convince themselves nothing is going on. 

Speaking from personal experiences. 

Just keep a careful eye on it.


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## ShatteredinAL

This is nearly exactly how my husband started out with his years long emotional affair. Can you access his work email? Put a keylogger on whatever he uses to access it STAT. Do not tell him you're doing it.


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## Emerald

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me. I don't think he realizes that he is talking about her and looks for reasons to bring her up or if has even noticed that I have caught on.
> 
> I dont want to confront him yet. I am waiting a couple of more days to see if there is anymore communication between them.
> 
> Thank you all for your advice. You are all really helping me alot. I appreciate you listening too.


See here's the thing -

Co-workers are NOT friends. 

I understand that every so often people will "click" because of OUTSIDE interests, family, etc. & will form a friendship that is outside of work.

With the exception of the above, when co-workers cease to be co-workers, the common interest "work" is gone & so is the relationship.

Good for you for being so aware that "something" is off here.

IMHO, when they stopped being co-workers, then the relationship is over....but for some reason, he keeps talking about her.


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## kate542

Is this the only friend he has that he talks about, if it is I would be feeling very uncomfortable. 
I would be asking myself why is he spending so much time and energy on this person when he should be spending his time with you and his children.
He needs to get his priorities right, you and the kids come before anyone and if you don't there is something wrong.


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## kl84

Both my brother AND my dad recently filed for divorce. Both of them had "female friends". They both talked about these women (as friends) constantly in the beginning stages. I know now that this seems to be one of the big red flags. True, some start out in total secrecy, but in situations like this where it forms between friends, you will probably notice the infatuation..... There is no other reason to talk someone up like that. Neither my brother, nor my dad, ever talked up a male friend the way in which they talked up the female friends that they eventually left their wives for.


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## Happilymarried..I think

My husband has a Facebook and just recently his "friend" has become his friend. She comments and "Likes" his photos and updates and as I stated before she has even "Liked" a photo of him and I. For our anniversary he recently changed his profile pic to a picture of him and I, so it does not seem like he is trying to hide me or down play our relationship. Should I just take this as a sign that nothing is going on between them since he keeps pics of us together up for everyone to see even her.


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> My husband has a Facebook and just recently his "friend" has become his friend. She comments and "Likes" his photos and updates and as I stated before she has even "Liked" a photo of him and I. For our anniversary he recently changed his profile pic to a picture of him and I, so it does not seem like he is trying to hide me or down play our relationship. Should I just take this as a sign that nothing is going on between them since he keeps pics of us together up for everyone to see even her.


It could be a good sign or it could be gaslighting(very very common). Theres really only one way to find out-check on him. If it is an EA or a PA- the longer you let it go, the deeper it will get and the harder to pull him out. Take my word for it. I tried to get him to "wake up" but in these situations, if an actual affair is happening, it HIGHLY unlikely that he will quit on his own. I wish I'd been more aggressive earlier. 

Like I said before, some of the things he is doing(despite putting your pics up on fb) are unacceptable for a married man.


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## Emerald

Happilymarried..I think said:


> My husband has a Facebook and just recently his "friend" has become his friend. She comments and "Likes" his photos and updates and as I stated before she has even "Liked" a photo of him and I. For our anniversary he recently changed his profile pic to a picture of him and I, so it does not seem like he is trying to hide me or down play our relationship. Should I just take this as a sign that nothing is going on between them since he keeps pics of us together up for everyone to see even her.


Of course he wouldn't try to "hide" you on FB. You did say he never really used to talk about work until he started talking about this female friend.

Is she married? Kids? If it hasn't already, an EA could develop - she may be pushing for it. How would you know? You don't.

The work relationship has ended so should this friendship. I wouldn't worry too much about it if it is now only a FB friendship, ie, demand that he "unfriends" her.

If there are phone calls & texts, I would put a stop to it before it goes EA/PA.


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## CallaLily

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me.


IMO you're being gaslighted. Remember, if a person is trying to balance more than one relationship whatever is going on will spill over into the other. So if he seems like a good husband right now and attentive to you its probably because he is happy with the "balance" he is finding in keeping both relationships going. He is getting something out of his relationship with you and from the other relationship. This 'balance" I speak of is also referred to as, "having your cake and eating it to." 

However, at some point this "balance and cake eating" he is doing, will eventually start to take a toll, and things will likely start to fall apart. It will become harder to keep things a secret because things may get more serious over time. He will find its hard to try and keep two relationships going. She may start to want more than he can give, and you may become more suspicious etc, and he will start to freak out! This is assuming of course something truly is going on. IMO, I think its highly possible. It may not be full blown but its probably on its way to being. 

Word of advice. Not sure if you are trying to really find out what he is doing, but if you really want to know and you really want to bust him. do NOT let him know you suspect anything. Lay low. I do think its good to maybe mention to him he sure does talk about her a lot. I think thats fine, but as someone else said, do not do it in an accusatory tone. Just play dumb and watch his reaction for now.


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## A Bit Much

I think there's some emotional kick he's getting from associating with her. She's not going away, that much is obvious. She's infatuated with him too it seems. That is what this all sounds like... a bit of infatuation. 

Watch and take notes. If his constant mention of her continues to get on your nerves though, say something. "You sure talk about so and so a lot!! You must really like her... "


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## Vaya Con Dios

canttrustu said:


> yes. The key here is HIS reaction to your concerns. If you ask him to stop texting her-does he? Thats what you should look at. If he backs off b/c it bothers you- youre good to go-if he wont/doesnt- BIG problem. Careful though, mentioning that he talks about her could tip him off to be more careful.... Think it thru. Its bothersome that he acted distant when he knew she was there...


But surely by your standards (no offence) the outcome is the same, only the length of time is changed.:scratchhead:
Assume he's not cheating, only being thoughtless then tackling this situation head on will give peace of mind for her.
If there IS more to the 'friend' then it's out in the open and it can be resolved either way...
I'm an optimist, I think he's just being thoughtless and if it were me I would like to think my wife can trust me by expressing her concerns...without Trust we are nothing.


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## Vaya Con Dios

By heck, all this "watch him" "look for his expressions" "this is how it all starts" etc etc makes it sound like your all hoping he's another 'nasty man' ...give the girl a break, maybe a more positive attitude is what's needed...you never know, he could be just thoughtless and may be horrified upon realising what he's putting his wife through...no?

ps: don't mean to offend, if I have.


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## canttrustu

Vaya Con Dios said:


> But surely by your standards (no offence) the outcome is the same, only the length of time is changed.:scratchhead:
> Assume he's not cheating, only being thoughtless then tackling this situation head on will give peace of mind for her.
> If there IS more to the 'friend' then it's out in the open and it can be resolved either way...
> I'm an optimist, I think he's just being thoughtless and if it were me I would like to think my wife can trust me by expressing her concerns...without Trust we are nothing.


I understand what youre saying but its just not how it works 90% of the time. If she is more than a 'friend' he will lie, deceive, and control the situation.When confronted they dont just say "oh man you caught me" and come clean. Its not usually how it works. Read some stories on here- truly the scenrios where the WS fesses up are very few and far between. VERY. Even when asked they often just go further underground. 

And clearly she already doesnt fully trust him or she wouldnt be here asking these questions. And thoughtless is no explaination for constantly and incessantly talking about her. That is explained by being infatuated with her. JMO.

OP- only you can decide. And to address the "outcome is the same only the length of time is changed" comment- the longer they are involved the deeper the relationship. Thats the difference. The more time and effort they give each other over a longer period of time-the more difficult it will be for him to break free of her.
Ask around here, read some stories. But ultimately you have to decide rather or not to trust your gut and clearly your gut has some churning going on....


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## somethingelse

Vaya Con Dios said:


> By heck, all this "watch him" "look for his expressions" "this is how it all starts" etc etc makes it sound like your all hoping he's another 'nasty man' ...give the girl a break, maybe a more positive attitude is what's needed...you never know, he could be just thoughtless and may be horrified upon realising what he's putting his wife through...no?
> 
> ps: don't mean to offend, if I have.


There's too much indication that he is hiding an escalated R with this woman. The random deleted texts, the address that was sent to him, him not wanting to introduce this new best "friend" of his at an event. 

He told this woman "I'm there for you" there for what? It's obvious she is sharing a lot of private information with H. And he is in turn, making himself available to her.

All in all, if sex isn't involved, there could be soon.


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## canttrustu

Vaya Con Dios said:


> By heck, all this "watch him" "look for his expressions" "this is how it all starts" etc etc makes it sound like your all hoping he's another 'nasty man' ...give the girl a break, maybe a more positive attitude is what's needed...*you never know, he could be just thoughtless and may be horrified upon realising what he's putting his wife through...no?*ps: don't mean to offend, if I have.


Wanna bet???? I'll lay you ten to one she catches him in at very least an EA within the week if she looks hard enough. Sorry to be cynical but Ive lived this and this follows nearly the exact path of my H's EA with a coworker. Im not saying OP's H is- Im saying it warrants futher investigation.

No offense, but what experience do you have with this subject? Serious question, not trying to spar with you.


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## strugglinghusband

Listen to your gut, not your emotions, not your thinking, your gut. Deep down what does it tell you?


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## canttrustu

strugglinghusband said:


> Listen to your gut, not your emotions, not your thinking, your gut. Deep down what does it tell you?



Bingo!!!! I talked myself out of listening to my gut for months. Wrong move.


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## Jason439

Lots of good advice on this for OP. 

I'd like to add that over the years I have worked closely with a couple of women and my W would get suspicious if I mentioned my coworker even though nothing was going on. I still keep in touch with these former coworkers from time to time on FB.

Maybe it's human nature to be suspicious? Maybe investigating what is going on will help the OP figure out if it's an affair or just a friendship.


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## canttrustu

Jason439 said:


> Lots of good advice on this for OP.
> 
> I'd like to add that over the years I have worked closely with a couple of women and my W would get suspicious if I mentioned my coworker even though nothing was going on. I still keep in touch with these former coworkers from time to time on FB.
> 
> Maybe it's human nature to be suspicious? Maybe investigating what is going on will help the OP figure out if it's an affair or just a friendship.


how many of these women's houses did you go to??? 

I agree investigate- nothing to lose, everything to gain one way or another.


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## Almostrecovered

FWIW

my wife talked about OM quite a bit and then suddenly went silent about him as the affair started


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## Happilymarried..I think

I checked his cell phone, it does not seem as though there are any recent texts. He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there. 

Another thing...my husband and I had small fight this weekend because I felt that he never made the first move when it came to love making. I was upset because I was always the one who seem to plan it. Lately he has been trying and wanting to more and he is really different when we do make love. He has actually gotten better.

Again, this may be a cover up or it may be nothing. My question is this, does a man still want to make love to their wives if they are having a EA or a PA? I have had female friends wo have cheated and they try to avoid the love making with their spouse if they are in a EA or PA.


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## Jason439

Both of their houses actually. 

One time to pick up some kids clothing we were being given from the one The other time for a tour of the other woman's new house. 

I would also go to lunch on a regular basis with my work friend(s). 

In my situation, nothing was going on, nor did anything ever go on other than being friends at work. Just something to think about.


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I checked his cell phone, it does not seem as though there are any recent texts. He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there.
> 
> Another thing...my husband and I had small fight this weekend because I felt that he never made the first move when it came to love making. I was upset because I was always the one who seem to plan it. Lately he has been trying and wanting to more and he is really different when we do make love. He has actually gotten better.
> 
> Again, this may be a cover up or it may be nothing. My question is this, does a man still want to make love to their wives if they are having a EA or a PA? I have had female friends wo have cheated and they try to avoid the love making with their spouse if they are in a EA or PA.


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## Almostrecovered

Happilymarried..I think said:


> Again, this may be a cover up or it may be nothing. My question is this, does a man still want to make love to their wives if they are having a EA or a PA? I have had female friends wo have cheated and they try to avoid the love making with their spouse if they are in a EA or PA.



my sex life dramatically incrceased during my wife's affair, I think the red flag is often a change in sexual habits not whether it goes up or down


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I checked his cell phone, it does not seem as though there are any recent texts. He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there.
> 
> Another thing...my husband and I had small fight this weekend because I felt that he never made the first move when it came to love making. I was upset because I was always the one who seem to plan it. Lately he has been trying and wanting to more and he is really different when we do make love. He has actually gotten better.
> 
> Again, this may be a cover up or it may be nothing. *My question is this, does a man still want to make love to their wives if they are having a EA or a PA? *I have had female friends wo have cheated and they try to avoid the love making with their spouse if they are in a EA or PA.


My experience here is that it ebbed and flowed depending on how deep the relationship was getting. The longer he was in the less interested he was. He started picking at me and being more critical. Just a bit, but more than usual. their A started in March or so and by september or so I was having to ask him to have sex. His mind was too preoccupied with her(he admits to this now). that and guilt was weighing on him a bit. he was afraid too much intimacy between us would make it harder to keep his secret....


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## Happilymarried..I think

Jason439 said:


> Both of their houses actually.
> 
> One time to pick up some kids clothing we were being given from the one The other time for a tour of the other woman's new house.
> 
> I would also go to lunch on a regular basis with my work friend(s).
> 
> In my situation, nothing was going on, nor did anything ever go on other than being friends at work. Just something to think about.


You seem like a good man and know how to not cross a line. I just think it is sometimes unwise for a married man to be in certain situations with other woman, especially touring someones house.

I should also make it clear that my husband had a female best friend and they were friends even before we met so I could not make him end his friendship with her when we got together. We moved in together and had our first son. He stayed in contact with her and wrote her letters since she live in another state. Three years into our relationship their relationship escalated when his female friend was cheated on by her husband. He began an EA with her. I found out that he was sending her flowers, love poems, cards, and having late night phone conversations with her. I found flight plans for him to see her but he never went because I found him out. 

In the end we decided to work on our relationship and we got married. That was 10 years ago. He has not had any communication with her since and I have never been suspicious of anyone else in the last 10 years. I wonder if he will know not to cross that line again.

He swears that he could never cheat on me because that is not the type of man anymore. I believe him but then I don't maybe that is the reaon why I am worried.


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## Jason439

Happilymarried..I think said:


> You seem like a good man and know how to not cross a line. I just think it is sometimes unwise for a married man to be in certain situations with other woman, especially touring someones house.
> 
> I should also make it clear that my husband had a female best friend and they were friends even before we met so I could not make him end his friendship with her when we got together. We moved in together and had our first son. He stayed in contact with her and wrote her letters since she live in another state. Three years into our relationship their relationship escalated when his female friend was cheated on by her husband. He began an EA with her. I found out that he was sending her flowers, love poems, cards, and having late night phone conversations with her. I found flight plans for him to see her but he never went because I found him out.
> 
> In the end we decided to work on our relationship and we got married. That was 10 years ago. He has not had any communication with her since and I have never been suspicious of anyone else in the last 10 years. I wonder if he will know not to cross that line again.
> 
> He swears that he could never cheat on me because that is not the type of man anymore and that he has grown up so maybe this is the reason for me being worried.


Thank you for that. 

My W has severe trust issues and refuses to seek IC for it. It frustrates me to no ends always being accused of cheating on her and being pushed further away. TBH, I'm still there because of our 2 wonderful kids. 

I think you need to do what is best for you. If that means investigating on your own, go for it. That is the only way you will ever be certain.


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## somethingelse

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I checked his cell phone, it does not seem as though there are any recent texts. He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there.
> 
> Another thing...my husband and I had small fight this weekend because I felt that he never made the first move when it came to love making. I was upset because I was always the one who seem to plan it. Lately he has been trying and wanting to more and he is really different when we do make love. He has actually gotten better.
> 
> Again, this may be a cover up or it may be nothing. My question is this, does a man still want to make love to their wives if they are having a EA or a PA? I have had female friends wo have cheated and they try to avoid the love making with their spouse if they are in a EA or PA.


Usually when a person is cheating, they will want to use new moves in bed...usually ones they have learned with the AP.....not a good sign.

and to answer your Q.....yes, your H will still want to have sex with you for the most part.


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## Vaya Con Dios

canttrustu said:


> Wanna bet???? I'll lay you ten to one she catches him in at very least an EA within the week if she looks hard enough. Sorry to be cynical but Ive lived this and this follows nearly the exact path of my H's EA with a coworker. Im not saying OP's H is- Im saying it warrants futher investigation.
> 
> No offense, but what experience do you have with this subject? Serious question, not trying to spar with you.


Hi.. It's ok I don't want to spar neither, I'm somewhat new to this forum and to be honest just 'happened' upon this particular subject..... I stated in my very first post of my experience from my perspective as a man.

I haven't read much about anything here on this site, but boy do I feel the tension from some of the ladies..lol

I am divorced and re-married, to a fantastic, talented, attractive woman...14yrs in a relationship, and now 4yrs happily married on top..but at a price...I have ALWAYS cheated on my partners/wives except for the last 18 yrs. but before you all lambast me, I regret my actions every day.

Am I qualified, well maybe maybe not, but like I say from experience, grabbing the bull by the horns is the best policy...the outcome is a foregone conclusion...now it's all about the time from now to then.

As for the bet.......I'm crap at odd's.....


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## Happilymarried..I think

Vaya Con Dios said:


> Hi.. It's ok I don't want to spar neither, I'm somewhat new to this forum and to be honest just 'happened' upon this particular subject..... I stated in my very first post of my experience from my perspective as a man.
> 
> I haven't read much about anything here on this site, but boy do I feel the tension from some of the ladies..lol
> 
> I am divorced and re-married, to a fantastic, talented, attractive woman...14yrs in a relationship, and now 4yrs happily married on top..but at a price...I have ALWAYS cheated on my partners/wives except for the last 18 yrs. but before you all lambast me, I regret my actions every day.
> 
> Am I qualified, well maybe maybe not, but like I say from experience, grabbing the bull by the horns is the best policy...the outcome is a foregone conclusion...now it's all about the time from now to then.
> 
> As for the bet.......I'm crap at odd's.....



You might be able to answer some questions since you have been the cheating husband and btw, it is very brave of you to come on this site. I respect that you are willing to talk about some of your past problems and you admit what you did was wrong. 

Did you continue to want to sleep with your wife when you cheated? My husband has increased our love making after I was upset that he never made the first move. I was always the one asking to make love. It was usually once a week. He says that he wants to make things better and is wanting to make love more often. He has even tried some new things. I find it nice but I do not want to be dumb about the situation if this is a red flag.


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## somethingelse

Vaya Con Dios said:


> Hi.. It's ok I don't want to spar neither, I'm somewhat new to this forum and to be honest just 'happened' upon this particular subject..... I stated in my very first post of my experience from my perspective as a man.
> 
> I haven't read much about anything here on this site, but boy do I feel the tension from some of the ladies..lol
> 
> I am divorced and re-married, to a fantastic, talented, attractive woman...14yrs in a relationship, and now 4yrs happily married on top..but at a price...I have ALWAYS cheated on my partners/wives except for the last 18 yrs. but before you all lambast me, I regret my actions every day.
> 
> Am I qualified, well maybe maybe not, but like I say from experience, grabbing the bull by the horns is the best policy...the outcome is a foregone conclusion...now it's all about the time from now to then.
> 
> As for the bet.......I'm crap at odd's.....


<Threadjack>

I would love to get some insight from you about me and my H's situation Vaya Con Dios. Check out my latest thread if you could...I would really appreciate it.


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## Vaya Con Dios

Happilymarried..I think said:


> You might be able to answer some questions since you have been the cheating husband and btw, it is very brave of you to come on this site. I respect that you are willing to talk about some of your past problems and you admit what you did was wrong.
> 
> Did you continue to want to sleep with your wife when you cheated? My husband has increased our love making after I was upset that he never made the first move. I was always the one asking to make love. It was usually once a week. He says that he wants to make things better and is wanting to make love more often. He has even tried some new things. I find it nice but I do not want to be dumb about the situation if this is a red flag.


Sadly yes, and yes more frequently I would not however use my answer as definitive proof of anything.


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## somethingelse

Almost Recovered was right. If your sex life has changed from almost nothing to all the time..or all the time to almost nothing, then something has changed in him. And in conjunction with this other woman in the picture, I would be on guard if I was you.


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## Vaya Con Dios

somethingelse said:


> <Threadjack>
> 
> I would love to get some insight from you about me and my H's situation Vaya Con Dios. Check out my latest thread if you could...I would really appreciate it.


Will do..


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## iheartlife

Happily, just want to echo the recommendation for Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She was a nationally recognized researcher into infidelity and her book really is definitive on the subject of emotional affairs (including those that turn physical).

In my signature is a link to the google books exerpts, including the table of contents. It doesn't include the whole book but you'll find it compelling enough to get your own copy. It's also available at most libraries (ask for an interlibrary loan if yours doesn't have it).


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## Izzie

Sorry if someone has already answered this the same way but your husband is definitely infatuated with this woman; no ifs ands or buts about it. Just because people are married does not mean they stop having crushes or being attracted to others. It's what you do about those feelings that is important. As far as him changing his FB profile picture to you and him, that is even more of a red flag because it shows guilt. When people are cheating on FB or wherever, they always start posting things like 'I love my beautiful wife. We've been married for 10 years!' or they will change their profile pic. It's a cover. If everything is okay, there is no need for such a public display. I have seen that time and time again on FB.


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## Izzie

The increase in love making is also a huge red flag. Either he is sleeping with you more out of guilt or he is so turned on by the woman and the illicitness of his feelings that he wants sex more. Probably a little bit of both.


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## trey69

Happilymarried..I think said:


> He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there.


Is this something spouses can attend as well? I'm assuming this will be done during lunch break at work? If not, perhaps an event planned away from work and maybe one you could attend? I have never heard of someone organizing a lunch for people who laid off, although anything is possible. 

You stated he already had one EA yrs ago, so this is something that is highly possible thats happening again. You forgave him and married him the first time, if you find out this is going on again whats your plan?


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## A Bit Much

Maybe the more frequent sex with you is the result of a couple things... one maintaining his closeness with you as he may feel he's slipping with his feelings toward this other woman, OR it's a safe place to fantasize about what he really wants to do with HER. 

You know your husband, we don't. Which of these two scenarios make more sense to you?


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## CandieGirl

Vaya Con Dios said:


> By heck, all this "watch him" "look for his expressions" "this is how it all starts" etc etc makes it sound like your all hoping he's another 'nasty man' ...give the girl a break, maybe a more positive attitude is what's needed...you never know, *he could be just thoughtless *and may be horrified upon realising what he's putting his wife through...no?
> 
> ps: don't mean to offend, if I have.


Be careful!  My husband can be thoughtless about things sometimes, and I got reamed for saying so. According to some, it was all a big smoke screen, so that he could just do as he pleased, pleading igorance...

Seriously, though, things don't often play out like that around here, unfortuately!


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## canttrustu

CandieGirl said:


> Be careful!  My husband can be thoughtless about things sometimes, and I got reamed for saying so. According to some, it was all a big smoke screen, so that he could just do as he pleased, pleading igorance...
> 
> Seriously, though, things don't often play out like that around here, unfortuately!


Ah, pleading ignorance- the apitomy of aggravation! They claim to be stupid AND expect that you are too. SO insulting, honestly. AARGGG!


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## CandieGirl

canttrustu said:


> Ah, pleading ignorance- the apitomy of aggravation! They claim to be stupid AND expect that you are too. SO insulting, honestly. AARGGG!


Let's just say that those days are over; whether he was really that silly, or whether he was attempting to pull the wool over, he won't be trying it again.


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## canttrustu

CandieGirl said:


> Let's just say that those days are over; whether he was really that silly, or whether he was attempting to pull the wool over, he won't be trying it again.


DITTO! And good for you!


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## Trickster

A Bit Much said:


> I think there's some emotional kick he's getting from associating with her. She's not going away, that much is obvious. She's infatuated with him too it seems. That is what this all sounds like... a bit of infatuation.
> 
> Watch and take notes. If his constant mention of her continues to get on your nerves though, say something. "You sure talk about so and so a lot!! You must really like her... "




I agree to this... She may have a little crush on him and he may really like it. Ego boost and all. He may not want to push her away though (he may want to keep her as an option for later)so he puts up pictures of the both of you out of guilt and also to keep you on his mind because he may be afraid he may cross that line. He doesn't want to lose you.

Whether she is single or married, get to know her. Invite her to some event you and your husband got to and she can bring a date.

If it is really bothering you, Let your husband know. For me, I have a few women I talk about. Maybe more than I should. I am not about to do something stupid. If my wife had any concerns, I would like to know. We have our issues, but I still want her to trust me. I don't want her thinking that I am having some EA.


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## Happilymarried..I think

Over the last few days my husband has not talked about "his friend". He has been so wonderful and has been making an effort to be a good husband. Like I mentioned earlier in this thread, things were bad for a few months. He was distant and had a short temper. Over the last week and a half he seems to be his old self again. I have not seen no recent texts from his previous co-worker but I have noticed that she continues to "Like" every single one of his pictures on Facebook. Although I am not a huge fan of FB I understand that FB is a place for people to openly communicate so I have been keeping an eye on his page. I don't know this girl so I am not sure if FB stalks everyone or if it is because she is not working that she has more time on her hands. I do know that I am not dumb so I will be watching, just in case. 

This is my opinion on what I beleive might be happening. I feel as though my husband was receiving a lot of attention from his female co-woker and he may have liked it, especially because we were having a stressful time at home. From little bits and pieces he mentioned, she would sometime complain about her BF to him and he would offer his opinion. I told him, never listen to a woman complain about there partner because that is not your place as a married man to listen. He said that he was just offering his opinion but would not do it again. It seems as though the magic of her attention may have worn down now that he is not seeing her on a daily basis and he may feel guilty for putting his wife on the back burner. I believe that is why he is trying to make up for it now. I don't believe that it ever became a true EA or PA. I continue to spy and make sure that the communication slows. I will eventually be bringing up the fact that she seems to have taken an interest in his FB page. I will also call him out on the fact that he would talk about her a lot. I don't want to do it just yet, I want to sit back and watch a little more.


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## canttrustu

Happilymarried..I think said:


> Over the last few days my husband has not talked about "his friend". He has been so wonderful and has been making an effort to be a good husband. Like I mentioned earlier in this thread, things were bad for a few months. He was distant and had a short temper. Over the last week and a half he seems to be his old self again. I have not seen no recent texts from his previous co-worker but I have noticed that she continues to "Like" every single one of his pictures on Facebook. Although I am not a huge fan of FB I understand that FB is a place for people to openly communicate so I have been keeping an eye on his page. I don't know this girl so I am not sure if FB stalks everyone or if it is because she is not working that she has more time on her hands. I do know that I am not dumb so I will be watching, just in case.
> 
> This is my opinion on what I beleive might be happening. I feel as though my husband was receiving a lot of attention from his female co-woker and he may have liked it, especially because we were having a stressful time at home. From little bits and pieces he mentioned, she would sometime complain about her BF to him and he would offer his opinion. I told him, never listen to a woman complain about there partner because that is not your place as a married man to listen. He said that he was just offering his opinion but would not do it again. It seems as though the magic of her attention may have worn down now that he is not seeing her on a daily basis and he may feel guilty for putting his wife on the back burner. I believe that is why he is trying to make up for it now. I don't believe that it ever became a true EA or PA. I continue to spy and make sure that the communication slows. I will eventually be bringing up the fact that she seems to have taken an interest in his FB page. I will also call him out on the fact that he would talk about her a lot. I don't want to do it just yet, I want to sit back and watch a little more.


Good plan. Just remember its easy to hide this stuff, he may not be doing that. I hope youre right. Keep your eye on the ball. Best of luck. I hope you dont need to come back.

Best wishes.


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## Happilymarried..I think

canttrustu said:


> Good plan. Just remember its easy to hide this stuff, he may not be doing that. I hope youre right. Keep your eye on the ball. Best of luck. I hope you dont need to come back.
> 
> Best wishes.


Thank you.


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## CallaLily

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I don't believe that it ever became a true EA or PA.


I'm sure to was hard to believe it the first time he had a EA years ago to. Just keep an eye on it, good luck!


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## Izzie

CallaLily said:


> I'm sure to was hard to believe it the first time he had a EA years ago to. Just keep an eye on it, good luck!


:iagree: EXACTLY!!! I've been doing a lot of reading on this site since I have just joined and it seems to me that most of the wives are quick to blame the other woman and say she is hitting on her husband and absolve their husbands from any blame. The men are a lot more black and white and realistic. They see too many texts messages or anything and they know what's up and they are out! Just an observation...

The fact that your husband had an emotional affair years ago means he is very capable of becoming infatuated with another woman. Just keep that in mind.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter

Happilymarried..I think said:


> I checked his cell phone, it does not seem as though there are any recent texts. He did mention yesterday that someone is his office is organizing a lunch for all the people that were laid off and for some of the people that still work there. I am almost sure his "friend" will be there.
> .


I hope you follow up with more info on this luncheon~I have _never_ heard of an office or company organizing a luncheon for the laid-off, and this would raise a red flag for me.


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## newwife01

My husband always is talking to his ex and she always talk to him and invites him to all the kids activities! And i shouldn't be upset in any way! they do not have kids together ! but i have his only child and i am suppose to let them get together and get over it! I am pissed off! His only son should be more important than his ex and her kids!


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## Roselyn

newwife01 said:


> My husband always is talking to his ex and she always talk to him and invites him to all the kids activities! And i shouldn't be upset in any way! they do not have kids together ! but i have his only child and i am suppose to let them get together and get over it! I am pissed off! His only son should be more important than his ex and her kids!


Please post your story separately, so that TAM posters will be able to address your problem. You will get more input there. It seems like you have a problem that others may be able to assist you with.


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## MattMatt

@newwife01 This thread is six years old. Please start a new thread to seek the help you need.


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## MattMatt




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