# Question for mothers. A step dad's roll with your kids? Over protecting mothers!



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

By your own admission, you spend A LOT of time with your girlfriend and her daughter. As dreadful as it sounds for you, I think it's incredibly unfair to continually expose your boys to all the chaos. They deserve a peaceful home life; as it stands right now, they are subjected to the little tyrant's tantrums, screaming and misbehavior. Far from peaceful.

It sounds like you have no intentions of marrying her. Do yourself a favor, but even more so do your boys a favor, and lose the girlfriend and daughter.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sure, you're interested in marriage and kids. 

Just not with her. 

Because she's not impressing you as a mom or a partner. Watch a person's actions and they will tell you everything.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Your problem is just as much about you as it is your girlfriend. You both equally let the relationship develop in a way where you can't express your concerns to her or help parent her daughter. I personally don't understand allowing that sort of relationship type to develop in the first place. No kid or adult should be able to be disrespectful to you like that more than once, because after the first time you should address the problem calmly and directly, or leave. Unfortunately, by the time you've solidified a relationship pattern like yours there is nothing that can be done to change it. The best you can do is leave, and hopefully learn some boundaries that you can apply to your next relationship. So don't look of this as a loss of time, look at it as a lesson and a chance to improve yourself for the future.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> All she talks about is marriage and kids. That is what she wants out of life. She says she is born to be a mom......:scratchhead: I question if she was only reading fictional books.
> 
> I guess I am focused on the 4yo because *I see this s a primary point of venom*. The 4yo was gone to dad's for 3 days. *those 3 days with us and one of my boys was pure enjoyment!!! *We all got along, my boys do what they are asked, just great. We go pick up the 4yo and life goes back to hell before we even get home. That little girl screams in the car! I have literally put earplugs in my ears to keep my sanity and I get cussed out over it. WTF?? I simply cannot handle a carload of raging kids.....But you know what, neither can my SO!! So why am I in trouble?


I am going to be the Devils advocate here. You hate the little girl. She is 4 years old. Most 4 year olds I know are a bit unruly. You are not her "daddy"
4 year old is poisoning your life.... big statement to place on a 4 year old, is she the devil's spawn? 

Would it be safe to say that you want her gone out of your life? Yes, I would say so.... but you want to keep the mom...

I am not religious at all, but this comes to mind "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"

Ask yourself: How would the situation be resolved to bring me peace? 

She is the mom, she would be a horrible person if she chose YOU over her daughter... Perhaps you should walk away.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> I understand your feelings but can we just fast forward to the bit where she HIT her kid? In the mouth. And made her bleed.
> 
> What redeeming qualities can an abusive mother possibly have? Is this really the type of person you want around your kids? Or yourself?
> 
> I work with 4-year-olds. Frankly I'm not surprised she is acting out. It is what a lot of kids that age do. They test boundaries. If you or her mother aren't going to enforce any, and there are no consequences, the girl won't change. You know what has been proven in study after study NOT to work? Punitive measures involving hitting or slapping. It just helps nothing and damages the child physically, mentally and emotionally.


So spanking doesn't work? I beg to differ. When firm, clear, quick consequences of any kind are dished out, behavior changes. Hitting--- nope (totally agree there), Slapping, Nope. Spanking the child when one is angry at them, nope. But if a kid touches a hot pot when they are told not to and they get burnt, their memory associated with pain naturally cures that problem in the future. So does the spanking when done appropriately.

People that say spanking doesn't work, I always enjoy watching their kids in action---- from AFAR.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ne9907 said:


> I am going to be the Devils advocate here. You hate the little girl. She is 4 years old. Most 4 year olds I know are a bit unruly. You are not her "daddy"
> 4 year old is poisoning your life.... big statement to place on a 4 year old, is she the devil's spawn?
> 
> Would it be safe to say that you want her gone out of your life? Yes, I would say so.... but you want to keep the mom...
> ...


The OP may be, and probably is totally accurate in his description of the daughter. Where's the OP asked anything about her choosing him over her daughter??? That's a strange statement. He simply wants her to discipline the child so instead of causing everyone around her to be miserable, they can enjoy their lives AND the child as a part of it. 
Thing is, she has proven she isn't going to, and as someone stated, this child is likely to really become a danger to the OP in many ways when she gets older. So your advice to walk away---- probably good advice.

This little girl is going to stay a part of the family, and will torture anyone that's part of it from now on, most likely. The OP as the stepdad will probably get the worst end of the 4 year old's shenanigan's as she gets older.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> All she talks about is marriage and kids. That is what she wants out of life. She says she is born to be a mom......:scratchhead: I question if she was only reading fictional books.


Apparently not a good mom though.

The problem isn't with the little girl. She'd just a product of her mother's poor parenting. If the mom isn't going to do better parenting, then the girl is going to grow up with more and more of an attitude, and your own children are going to become resentful and their own good manners corrupted.

I would stick with a non-live-in relationship if that's all you want, or break up so you can both find other people.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wow she hit her kid in the mouth? And it bled?

HELL NO.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Satya said:


> As a step parent, you will never have authority unless your wife/SO gives it.
> 
> She seems to have enough problems disciplining her own daughter.
> 
> My advice, run away, fast.


:iagree: THIS^^^

OP You and your GF are obviously on completely different wavelengths regarding parenting. It honestly sounds like you resent the child, and the mother. I would just move on. 

In the future, work with your SO on parenting from early on. Make sure that you have some sort of agreement on what behaviors are / aren't okay, and how they'll be dealt with. Make sure you're compatible in that area before you get 2 years into a relationship. Sorry you're in this situation.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

This thread is going nowhere. So is your relationship. You cannot agree about getting married yet want to live as codependents. 

End it, but don't make it about the kid. None of the adults seem to care about her so she's going to employ the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" mindset. It's an infantile response that kids who aren't getting adequate guidance don't seem to grow out of. I'm not even going to touch the whole "slapping her in the mouth and making it bleed" thing.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> So spanking doesn't work? I beg to differ. When firm, clear, quick consequences of any kind are dished out, behavior changes. Hitting--- nope (totally agree there), Slapping, Nope. Spanking the child when one is angry at them, nope. But if a kid touches a hot pot when they are told not to and they get burnt, their memory associated with pain naturally cures that problem in the future. So does the spanking when done appropriately.
> 
> People that say spanking doesn't work, I always enjoy watching their kids in action---- from AFAR.


When an "adult" can't keep a cool head and argues with a kid and uses spanking as the first (and not the last) measure of discipline then hell NO, it doesn't work. It just makes the kid more defiant.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Getting OT but IME smacking kids is just not necessary. Sure it may work but what are the longer term implications? Got 3 kids here and never smacked them, there are far better ways to discipline kids and if you start parenting from day one there really is no need to do it.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> Getting OT but IME smacking kids is just not necessary. Sure it may work but what are the longer term implications? Got 3 kids here and never smacked them, there are far better ways to discipline kids and if you start parenting from day one there really is no need to do it.


Exactly. Also, the OP needs to consider that there may be something psychologically wrong with the 4yo - which he is NOT helping with or even trying to understand. 

I've gone back and reread his complaints about the girl's behavior and a lot of it mirrors what we were going through when my son was first diagnosed with "mild" autism spectrum disorder (PDD-NOS) at age 4. I admit, a lot of people look at the current treatment for such associated antisocial behaviors as "coddling" or "enabling" but really, the idea is that these kids are stuck in the moment and in their own little worlds and need to realize delayed gratification for compliance. Punishment just pushes them further into their shells - or worse, makes them act out in true fight or flight fashion. 

OTOH the mother clearly needs help too. She's clearly just as self involved but also delusional and I'm wondering if it's out of guilt or denial. If that's the case, then confrontations are ALWAYS going to result in explosions. The woman needs IC and if you don't want to add to her problems then you need to gently suggest that she have her daughter evaluated by a child psychologist - and expect that she's going to resist because receiving a diagnosis of autism hits a parent like a death sentence without a timetable. 

My impression is that you two are being codependent for different reasons (yours is because she's "hot", hers is for emotional support because she's probably damaged goods) and that you each are somehow trying to keep how you rear your children separate. That's like trying to mix oil and vinegar and it's no wonder that you are having conflicts over parenting. My impression is that you two are being codependent for different reasons (yours is because she's "hot", hers is for emotional support because she's probably damaged goods) and that you each are somehow trying to keep how you rear your children separate. That's like trying to mix oil and vinegar and it's no wonder that you are having conflicts over parenting. That being said, if you can't take the way you are being treated and disrespected and see this woman's daughter as anything other than a point of conflict then this romantic relationship needs to at the very least end. You two need to go off on your own and have a Come to Jesus over this without any pretenses of blame or defeat. Be satisfied that it's for the best for you and yours, but you're also not doing this woman and her problem child any favors by having a relationship that doesn't involve a mutual bonding between any of the other involved people. If you respect this woman, then try to understand her motivations and concerns but don't be involved with her romantically. 

Again, I say this based on my own experiences - this time as the only son of a single mother. My mother was able to put up with the shock of being widowed with an infant and raise me on her own - but it was at the sacrifice or having any sort of romantic relationship until I was emotionally capable of understanding it. When I was about 4 I walked in on and her and her boyfriend in bed. That guy also had kids of his own and had no interest in being a father to me so in this case my mother did the right thing and broke off the relationship. Reading your situation, I see now over 40 years later that that was the right thing to do.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you marry this woman, she will never have to cook for you.
You will always be full from all the red flags you swallowed.


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