# Girls , why has she gone back off'ish ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I feel really weird in here , dunno why the mens is full of girls but hey I do.

Anyway . We separated 9mths ago and there's been a friend that I use to get along very well with. We were always very comfortable around each other and l often thought hmm , if l was single - well here l am , single.
She'd often find me if she was over and talk , if l dropped the girls off or picking hers up whatever she'd always come out and we'd often just talk away .

She knows my x but not very well , they don't really click.

But since our sep , she's been totally different , very back offish . Doesn't stick around long and keeps chats pretty short and sweet.

A few said so far , maybe my x has done a number on her - or me to her . Not sure about that one because as far as l've heard x never bad mouths me. Whether she backed her off in other ways , dunno .

And a few think that hey , l'm still recently separated . She's gonna wanna keep well away from that yet for awhile which makes sense . Not every girl would wait though so l'm not sure. She has had her own share of crap , l do know that much.

What would you guys think ?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She just isn't interested in you as a single guy....period. It doesn't matter why.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It was safe to talk to you before, as you were taken. Now, she either doesn't want to get involved in your drama or she never really saw you that way anyway, she just enjoyed the friendliness.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or else she's enlightened and she knows better than to hang with a newly separated guy and be his rebound.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Before she was just being friendly. Now she sense you coming on to her and she don't really want that type of relationship with you. On the other hand If she was sort of flirty with you before it could have been the thrill of the forbidden but now that you available it pretty much "meh".


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's possible that she was just being polite when she used to talk to you, but doesn't want the friendship to progress further and doesn't want you to get any ideas that it might.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Ahh right , gee thanks so much .

And yeah you've all said similar things and to be honest , that is a long lines of how l was reading it but didn't know if l was right or what.
l would certainly say there was something , just what it was though !
Because she always stood very close , often looked exited to see me but the main was she hung out here all day once. She dropped her girl of to mine's party and definitely stuck around on purpose when she doesn't even get along with x.
Even x asked me , why did she stay? Yet she'd been taking to me none stop ! x did ask as if she smelt a rat !
But , maybe just enjoying my company is as far as it goes after all unfortunately !


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My guess is... she is a friendly person, she enjoyed talking to you when you were TAKEN and "SAFE"... but now that you are free... she worries you may be interested, because she showed you that friendliness in the past... she doesn't want to get your hopes up or let you down ... so she is backing off, this is how I would read it.. 

It would make little sense to me, if she WAS truly interested, why she would back off NOW, if you feel a "cold shoulder"... that would be hugely counter productive, wouldn't it. 

Most women try to avoid when they are not interested..as they don't like to hurt others feelings, it's very awkward for some.

Or this too >>


> *Turnera said*: Or else she's enlightened and she knows better than to hang with a newly separated guy and be his rebound.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

whitehawk said:


> Ahh right , gee thanks so much .
> 
> And yeah you've all said similar things and to be honest , that is a long lines of how l was reading it but didn't know if l was right or what.
> l would certainly say there was something , just what it was though !
> ...


Do women ever make sense [email protected]#$%^ 

When she stuck around all that time... what were your conversations about - generally ? This may give some clue-- how personal did you get ? 

There is something I learned on this forum -that I never entertained or grasped before... WHen women are "friendly" to MEN...they often THINK it means more than it does... probably cause when MEN are FRIENDLY with women, it generally means he wants her...or is biding his time to win her down the road...cause he is such a visual creature...... 

I know with having 5 sons, if the girl isn't pretty (a potential as they would call it)... they would not even consider striking up a conversation with her... cause they wouldn't want HER to get the wrong idea....is this not how men THINK many times?? So they in turn feel - this way about women, that if she is being friendly/ striking up a conversation or continuing it ....she must have a "thing" for me..

Speaking as a friendly broad myself... if this is how guys think, I bet I have given such an impression a # of times over the years, but honestly...it didn't mean anything to me...other than ...it's better to have a conversation, makes the time past faster, I enjoy talking to people, anyone... over sitting in silence. 

Just saying. We could be all wrong, so give us a clue what you all talked about when she was getting close and hanging around, did it go to "personal" stuff ?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She could just be scared. It's one thing to be all flirty when yes it's SAFE but it's completely different when that flirtatious fantasy might become reality.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My guess is... she is a friendly person, she enjoyed talking to you when you were TAKEN and "SAFE"... but now that you are free... she worries you may be interested, because she showed you that friendliness in the past... she doesn't want to get your hopes up or let you down ... so she is backing off, this is how I would read it..
> 
> It would make little sense to me, if she WAS truly interested, why she would back off NOW, if you feel a "cold shoulder"... that would be hugely counter productive, wouldn't it.
> 
> ...


Thanks SA and hmm , she is enlightened l do know that much . She's got two kids and the youngest , 12 has never met her dad , poor thing. Always get the feeling she's had a pretty rough time in love . Her mum whom they live with right now's no idiot either .
She was really looking nice last time we hooked up for the kids , nicest jean fit me seen in a looonnngg time to , always a bonus. Seems as x looks like any R's taken a turn for the worst , really got me thinking.
l did a little test the other night with T as l had to text her about the girls so l tried to evolve some conversation out of it. There was 5 or 6 back and forth but hers were short and sweet , bit disappointing.
There is one thing , l do know she wouldn't wanna mess with x which is what makes this delicate .

l don't know why l didn't just ask the girls here about x's latest , by the look here they would've sorted her out in two ups , save me a whole lot of grief . Ah well , still might just to be sure .


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> There is one thing , l do know she wouldn't wanna mess with x.


This is a big sentence.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are WAY too soon out of your relationship to even be thinking about this.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This is a big sentence.



Is it yeah . l don't know why but she often seemed a bit intimidated around x .


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> Or else she's enlightened and she knows better than to hang with a newly separated guy and be his rebound.


It may be this. 

She may just want to be cautious and not give anyone the wrong ideas.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do women ever make sense [email protected]#$%^


:rofl: So true!


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> You are WAY too soon out of your relationship to even be thinking about this.


You think ? It's weird isn't it , a lot of the others seem to be doing it or advise it. l dunno , l'd love some company .
Some of them have hooked up into something new steady , only 3 or 4mths out - that "is" too soon isn't it !


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think it's up to anyone else to determine what's too soon or right on time.
With that said,maybe she was attracted to you because she couldn't have you.For some women there's nothing more sexy than a married man.
now you're just like all the other dudes who want her.Too available and that might not be what she wants.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

whitehawk said:


> You think ? It's weird isn't it , a lot of the others seem to be doing it or advise it. l dunno , l'd love some company .
> Some of them have hooked up into something new steady , only 3 or 4mths out - that "is" too soon isn't it !


Everyone is different...some just don't like being alone...they enjoy the company as you said... even if you should take more time to digest your loss of the marriage and get your head on straight... 

JUst be careful to not dive in too quickly making promises to any women.... take it very slow...


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do women ever make sense [email protected]#$%^
> 
> When she stuck around all that time... what were your conversations about - generally ? This may give some clue-- how personal did you get ?
> 
> ...



Nothing personal or heavy , we've never been in that situation with the girls right there and before x , Just everyday stuff , the kids , the party , bit of work stuff on her part.

The day in the jeans , l said something , can't remember what but she said- oh l would never do that l'm a girly girl and twirled her hair and leaned into me a little - my one ray of sunshine, sad isn't it


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whitehawk--everyone goes at their own pace. Me, personally, I would not have wanted to jump into something so soon after separation/divorce and I didn't. 

Scarlet may be right--she may have just liked you cause you were married. OR Turner could be right--she wants to respect your separation/divorce so she's backing off.

I have friends, a couple, who are recently separated. We are in the same "friend group." I refuse to hang out with him solo for obvious reasons. No way. As a way to respect their relationship/separation. Do not want to give wrong ideas.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't think it's up to anyone else to determine what's too soon or right on time.
> With that said,maybe she was attracted to you because she couldn't have you.For some women there's nothing more sexy than a married man.
> now you're just like all the other dudes who want her.Too available and that might not be what she wants.



Oh nooooo :scratchhead:


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Oh nooooo :scratchhead:


awww it's ok! I'm wrong a lot so don't put too much thought into what I said.It's probably what everyone else is saying,she doesn't want to push you.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Whitehawk--everyone goes at their own pace. Me, personally, I would not have wanted to jump into something so soon after separation/divorce and I didn't.
> 
> Scarlet may be right--she may have just liked you cause you were married. OR Turner could be right--she wants to respect your separation/divorce so she's backing off.
> 
> I have friends, a couple, who are recently separated. We are in the same "friend group." I refuse to hang out with him solo for obvious reasons. No way. As a way to respect their relationship/separation. Do not want to give wrong ideas.



Yeah I hear you . Thing is x has been parading her om around town since two wks out - go figure. Apparently she was doing nothing wrong. I'm so glad l'm not into spite.

l do hear you and even with that l would still be very conscious of it and there's my d to consider above all.
I'm in an empty house though day in day out 5 days a week . What a damn shame , l'm going to waste :smthumbup: , the house is going to waste and my 8ft bed is just too damn big for one .


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> You think ? It's weird isn't it , a lot of the others seem to be doing it or advise it. l dunno , l'd love some company .
> Some of them have hooked up into something new steady , only 3 or 4mths out - that "is" too soon isn't it !


There's wanting some company and there is picking out engagement rings.

I've never been divorced but if I were I doubt I'd be single for long.

It's just who I am and I'm not big on timelines.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> You think ? It's weird isn't it , a lot of the others seem to be doing it or advise it. l dunno , l'd love some company .
> Some of them have hooked up into something new steady , only 3 or 4mths out - that "is" too soon isn't it !


 It's recommended that you wait to date one month for every year you were in a relationship. It takes that long for you, in your day to day activities, to have all those aha moments where you process what happened to you, how you feel about it, what you could have done, what you should have done, what kind of person is a good match for you - as opposed to just ANY OS person who will take you (to stroke your ego). The longer you were together, the more crap you have to digest and sort out and deal with.

That said, there's nothing wrong with hitting a bar and going home with some willing wench who just wants some sex for the night.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> Yeah I hear you . Thing is x has been parading her om around town since two wks out


So basically, your ego is bruised and you want to prove to her and all her posse that YOU are desirable, too. 

Is that really necessary? Can't you rise above that?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> Yeah I hear you . Thing is x has been parading her om around town since two wks out - go figure. Apparently she was doing nothing wrong. I'm so glad l'm not into spite.
> 
> l do hear you and even with that l would still be very conscious of it and there's my d to consider above all.
> I'm in an empty house though day in day out 5 days a week . What a damn shame , l'm going to waste :smthumbup: , the house is going to waste and my 8ft bed is just too damn big for one .


Don't worry about your ex and OM. Let her do whatever she wants and start focusing on yourself and your kids. It is normal to feel lonely, especially after a separation. It is a major life-changer. My advice is to find things you enjoy doing, pick up a new hobby, meet up with friends, take a class, buy a new cologne, and exercise. If you happen to see some pretty ladies, say hi and smile charmingly. 

As for your friend, if it bothers you, you could ask her directly why there is some distance on her end/tell her you sense she may be distant. If not, don't sweat it. 7 billion people on the planet. That's a LOT of women.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> That said, there's nothing wrong with hitting a bar and going home with some willing wench who just wants some sex for the night.


Lol, Turner.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> I've never been divorced but if I were I doubt I'd be single for long.


 I know me all too well, I'd be the same way, I've never been one who liked hanging with the girls...I'm not close with family..and I'd need a distraction from my kids that may drive me batty.... so I know I'd to open to meeting some guys..but they'd have to have a sparkling reputation as a Good man...or forget it. 

I'd be off looking for one of those...I'd be very cautious to NOT give the wrong idea - because it would likely take meeting over 50 +....to find that compatibility/ that chemistry .... I would never jump right in with the 1st that came along.... but why slow the process ....we are only getting older....

I enjoy watching those Bachelor / Bachelorette programs (yeah probably stupid - but I don't care) it amazes me how these beautiful people around age 3O are having a hell of a time finding Love.. how can this be!! 

So NO, I would not be taking a lot of time out...but being OPEN (with certain boundaries erected)....to find lasting love again.... .. the choosier you are, the harder it will be to find. And that sucks when you know you are the type who gets off on being in a Relationship/ Romance.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Interesting perspective, Simply. Because it is the exact opposite of me. Lol. I am one of those who to this day, is still not serious about dating (post-divorce) and just really not wanting a relationship at all. I love having girlfriends and am very close to my family. Am the same age as those bachelor people, attractive while not looking for "love" I have no desire for it. Or rather, I should say I am not sure I believe in a "lasting love" of the relationship variety for myself. Like, it seems almost unbelivable. Have never been one to date a lot (my exH is/was my only serious relationship) and was never one of those "girls" who always had a boyfriend or felt she'd die w/o one. It was a shock to everyone when I met my exH, got serious and got married. We lasted for eight years much to my own disbelief (as I never thought I'd have a LTR). Haha. LOL. I love hearing all the different perspectives and points of view on TAM.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> it amazes me how these beautiful people around age 3O are having a hell of a time finding Love.. how can this be!!


It's because they HUNT for it, can't live without it and I think many are just plain picky.

Women like this scare men off.

They don't want a man as much as they want the IDEA of him.

If I were suddenly single I'd need sex so that would be my first order of business. I'd save that whole happily ever after crap for everyone else. LOL


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Have never been one to date a lot.


We're all different. I'm like SA in that I don't DO girlfriends, get along better with men and I dated A LOT before I got married.

That's how I know I wouldn't be single for long. 

I've had men in my life since I was 14 and not because I was needy.

Nope in fact I was the opposite.

I was highly independent and an alpha female.

I just love men and sex.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD22 is VERY picky about her guys. She's only dated 2 guys in the last 4 years, and she's perfectly fine with that. Her criteria, based on past experience (don't shoot the messenger!): can't smoke (can't stand it and it shows stupidity), not a jock (more into fun with the guys than being with her), must have at least a BA/BS (have drive), must like to learn new things (she does, so she wants someone to talk to), doesn't play guitar (guys who do what they think is cool and expect her to sit there an ooh and aah over his playing), no tattoos (more stupidity and trying to be like everyone else).

Her best friend's roommate has been hitting on her. He smokes - even in front of her after her telling him several times she won't date a guy who smokes. He has tattoos. He doesn't believe in college. But hey! Gotta give him credit for persistence.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> If I were suddenly single I'd need sex so that would be my first order of business. *I'd save that whole happily ever after crap for everyone else*. LOL


:rofl: Love this!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not that I am picky at all, it is just that I rarely if ever get struck by the love bug. It happens every blue moon for me and when it does, is sucker punch-drop kicks me in the stomach and is amaaazing. 

After my 8 yrs relationship with ex, relationships do not appeal to me in the slightest right now. I am enjoying this journey I am on right now. 

Marriage does not appeal to me at all in the slightest. I *could* change my mind but I doubt it. One and done


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

JB you're going to laugh at this. I tried for 8 years to have girlfriends (this after I quit to be a sahm). Epic fail. I rarely get struck by the whole friend thing. LOL

Relationships with WOMEN do not appeal to me in the slightest right now. I am enjoying the journey I am on too. LOL

Maybe I'll have another friend but at the moment I doubt it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> JB you're going to laugh at this. I tried for 8 years to have girlfriends (this after I quit to be a sahm). Epic fail. I rarely get struck by the whole friend thing. LOL
> 
> Relationships with WOMEN do not appeal to me in the slightest right now. I am enjoying the journey I am on too. LOL
> 
> I think women are harder to be with than men are.


LOl that is funny.  I have always been a girl's girl. It seems when I got serious with my ex the guy friends I had just kind of faded away because ex was my closest guy.

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread, OP. Come back!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jellybeans said:* Interesting perspective, Simply. Because it is the exact opposite of me. Lol. I am one of those who to this day, is still not serious about dating (post-divorce) and just really not wanting a relationship at all. I love having girlfriends and am very close to my family. Am the same age as those bachelor people, attractive while not looking for "love" I have no desire for it.


 And you are likely NOT a Romantic like myself... I have dreamed of meeting Mr Wonderful since as young as watching cartoons... Romantic movies are my favorite, I LOVE being married... the problem with me is this...I likely have no idea how raunchy most men are - due to being married to a good man who treats me like Gold all these years... so WOW, would I ever be in for a RUDE freaking awakening to what the hell is out there on the market.. .

I'd probably get depressed even. I LOVE sex too, vibrators would be getting old real fast....but I would never never jump into sex with a man... I need the whole package and if the man wasn't looking for that... off he'd go! Line up the next date...

Yes, I am choosy !!! I feel I have a lot to offer and I wouldn't settle for someone who couldn't bring that sort of "game" / time / affection, caring back to me... He'd have to be a Romantic as well. I know how difficult it would be for me to find this sort of man ..especially in mid life - after he had his heart broken too many times...most have lost faith in women, marriage even. 



> Or rather, I should say I am not sure I believe in a "lasting love" of the relationship variety for myself. Like, it seems almost unbelivable. Have never been one to date a lot (my exH is/was my only serious relationship) and was never one of those "girls" who always had a boyfriend or felt she'd die w/o one. It was a shock to everyone when I met my exH, got serious and got married. We lasted for eight years much to my own disbelief (as I never thought I'd have a LTR). Haha. LOL. I love hearing all the different perspectives and points of view on TAM


 Good to hear you enjoy the different perspectives.. my single GF's -- I find them pretty much annoying - they talk my ear off... I get bored around them... the ones I like the best are married and busier - so they would not have time for me....

But I've always LOVED LOVED LOVED being with my husband, over anyone in this life... so Yeah, I love having a man, I love to pamper him, I love sex... I love to be there for a man... I am 100% the marrying type... to take that from me would be to rip my heart out. I hope he never dies ... it's a prayer I have that we live to a ripe old age together... 

I would not settle for someone who didn't treat me well, that's why I know I'd have to do a lot of dating, I think most of the GOOD guys are taken..once you hit Mid life... 



turnera said:


> That said, there's nothing wrong with hitting a bar and going home with some willing wench who just wants some sex for the night.


This I would never do, and if the guy was like that, he'd be scratched from my list of potentials immediately. But you'll never be alone -if this is what you want... some banging every night to feel that lonely bed of yours...and some variety.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> It's recommended that you wait to date one month for every year you were in a relationship. It takes that long for you, in your day to day activities, to have all those aha moments where you process what happened to you, how you feel about it, what you could have done, what you should have done, what kind of person is a good match for you - as opposed to just ANY OS person who will take you (to stroke your ego). The longer you were together, the more crap you have to digest and sort out and deal with.
> 
> That said, there's nothing wrong with hitting a bar and going home with some willing wench who just wants some sex for the night.



1 mth for every yr , that's a nice clear marker but [email protected] , l need 18mths . Oh well , at least l don't hate women anymore so l have advanced a bit


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> *My DD22 is VERY picky about her guys*. She's only dated 2 guys in the last 4 years, and she's perfectly fine with that. Her criteria, based on past experience (don't shoot the messenger!): can't smoke (can't stand it and it shows stupidity), not a jock (more into fun with the guys than being with her), must have at least a BA/BS (have drive), must like to learn new things (she does, so she wants someone to talk to), doesn't play guitar (guys who do what they think is cool and expect her to sit there an ooh and aah over his playing), no tattoos (more stupidity and trying to be like everyone else).
> 
> Her best friend's roommate has been hitting on her. He smokes - even in front of her after her telling him several times she won't date a guy who smokes. He has tattoos. He doesn't believe in college. But hey! Gotta give him credit for persistence.


It think your daughter is smart !

When I met my husband, he smoked I told him straight out, it was the cigs or ME ...he quit that day and never lit another.. many of the things your daughter said - I felt too, I never liked the Jocks, they just all seemed highly conceited to me, like they were God's gift to women ... I never cared about success or education just that the guy was responsible, could live within his means, posses work ethic ....Romance and how he treated me would be WAY ABOVE those things.... (still would be in mid life too)... 

Guitar playing would be a real turn on for me, I love Music.. I've always felt an extra allure to a man with a guitar around his next..he's rank would go up like 3 notches for me! 

When I see a man with tattoos, I generally feel he is probably a smoker, biker, playing pool, a player, not my type at all ... but this isn't always true... it's not all black and white...and sometimes people change over the years too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doesn't have to be super strict, just a general idea. If you're 3 months out from separation, any girl you get serious with is a rebound and will end up getting all your shyte about your ex, as it vomits up from your subconscious. Oh, but my stbx did it THIS way. You're treating me just like stbx! 

Not fair to either of you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And you are likely NOT a Romantic like myself... I have dreamed of meeting Mr Wonderful since as young as watching cartoons...


I am romantic only in a relationship. When I was a little girl I loved the idea of a crush on a guy (and kissing him, ooh la la) however I was always thinking I wanted to travel when I grew up, go to school, learn, teach, help out others (children especially) who were less fortunate. I would watch MTV and say "I want to be Madonna when I grow up" when I'd see her singing on stage. Lol. I thought she was amazing. The irony is that I actually loved being married. It simply did not work out. I don't have a rush need to be in a relationship at all. It really does not appeal to me at the moment.



whitehawk said:


> 1 mth for every yr , that's a nice clear marker but [email protected] , l need 18mths . Oh well , at least l don't hate women anymore so l have advanced a bit


Good for you! That is progress! There is nothing wrong with flirting up a storm if you see some hot lady. :smthumbup: Just don't feel you need to compete with your ex. Don't make it about he. Do you!


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> So basically, your ego is bruised and you want to prove to her and all her posse that YOU are desirable, too.
> 
> Is that really necessary? Can't you rise above that?



Don't be ridiculous l can't even imagine where you got that from , didn't you read what l said. 
l am not spiteful , even if I did have my heart ripped out.
And " I " would certainly be more considerate to my daughter than that.
I feel like some company , that would be quite clear l'd imagine.
l wouldn't even take anyone new near that damn town or even tell x about it !

That was a pretty full on "assumption" considering everything I've said !


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Guitar playing would be a real turn on for me, I love Music.. I've always felt an extra allure to a man with a guitar around his next.


Well, she had like 4 boyfriends in a row in high school who would have her come over to their house and they'd proceed to play her a song they'd learned. Probably thinking they were wooing her or something. While she sat there, thinking, really? We could be going to the park or going to a movie or ANYthing else, and you think I should just sit here and listen to you play?

Plus it's a psychological thing (she just graduated with a Psych degree). She feels guys who play guitar do so because it's the guitar player who becomes the 'quarterback,' so to speak. She favors the guys who are confident enough to stay in the background. She plays drums and piano and if she meets a guy who's confident enough to play piano...look out!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whitewash, Turner is right--when you do begin dating, just be very honest about your intentions, such as "I am not into a serious thing right now and just want to put that out there." That way you and your potential date(s) are on the same page.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whitehawk said:


> Don't be ridiculous l can't even imagine where you got that from , didn't you read what l said.
> l am not spiteful , even if I did have my heart ripped out.
> And " I " would certainly be more considerate to my daughter than that.
> I feel like some company , that would be quite clear l'd imagine.
> ...


*shrug* If you say so. You come here talking about hitting on a woman and then bring up your stbx 'parading OM around town'...


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't worry about your ex and OM. Let her do whatever she wants and start focusing on yourself and your kids. It is normal to feel lonely, especially after a separation. It is a major life-changer. My advice is to find things you enjoy doing, pick up a new hobby, meet up with friends, take a class, buy a new cologne, and exercise. If you happen to see some pretty ladies, say hi and smile charmingly.
> 
> As for your friend, if it bothers you, you could ask her directly why there is some distance on her end/tell her you sense she may be distant. If not, don't sweat it. 7 billion people on the planet. That's a LOT of women.



As I just finished saying , in shock. This is nothing to do with x , woulda thought that was loud and clear , I even talked about the empty house !
X 's business was connected to a totally different meaning !

Company , a new gf even !


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Don't be ridiculous l can't even imagine where you got that from , didn't you read what l said.
> l am not spiteful , even if I did have my heart ripped out.
> And " I " would certainly be more considerate to my daughter than that.
> I feel like some company , that would be quite clear l'd imagine.
> ...


noooo don't be defensive! you were doing so well being open to everyone's thoughts!
It's ok to feel spiteful after what you've been through and want to show that you're desirable and wanted too!Not so much to show the ex but to show yourself. We'd be fools to try to deny that we have all felt that urge at one time or another.There's no shame in it as long as you don't wallow in it.

You've been through a lot and everyone is trying to help you see things in a more broad perspective.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> noooo don't be defensive! you were doing so well being open to everyone's thoughts!
> It's ok to feel spiteful after what you've been through and want to show that you're desirable and wanted too!Not so much to show the ex but to show yourself. We'd be fools to try to deny that we have all felt that urge at one time or another.There's no shame in it as long as you don't wallow in it.
> 
> You've been through a lot and everyone is trying to help you see things in a more broad perspective.



Thanks SB , appreciative that .
But nah and I have sooo appreciated the help of you guys , it's also changed my perspective on a lot of things prior , already. 
But your thinking like a women for a bloke now . I have nothing to prove to anyone , this is about me and l like this chick and - l would love some company. Pretty cut and dry .
It's actually that "l do not "want to start any [email protected] why l can't just chase it up the usual way , although l probably quietly would have by now cept she went back offish .


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ok fair enough


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't worry about your ex and OM. Let her do whatever she wants and start focusing on yourself and your kids. It is normal to feel lonely, especially after a separation. It is a major life-changer. My advice is to find things you enjoy doing, pick up a new hobby, meet up with friends, take a class, buy a new cologne, and exercise. If you happen to see some pretty ladies, say hi and smile charmingly.
> 
> As for your friend, if it bothers you, you could ask her directly why there is some distance on her end/tell her you sense she may be distant. If not, don't sweat it. 7 billion people on the planet. That's a LOT of women.



Hey JB , that is a lot of women :smthumbup: 
Why do we always just get stuck one in particular , isn't it strange. Natures way I guess !


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it is kind of funny! LOL


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know me all too well, I'd be the same way, I've never been one who liked hanging with the girls...I'm not close with family..and I'd need a distraction from my kids that may drive me batty.... so I know I'd to open to meeting some guys..but they'd have to have a sparkling reputation as a Good man...or forget it.
> 
> I'd be off looking for one of those...I'd be very cautious to NOT give the wrong idea - because it would likely take meeting over 50 +....to find that compatibility/ that chemistry .... I would never jump right in with the 1st that came along.... but why slow the process ....we are only getting older....
> 
> ...




Yeah those shows amaze me to , and to put your self through that - must be a lot harder than the grass is greener types believe when they take off.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting perspective, Simply. Because it is the exact opposite of me. Lol. I am one of those who to this day, is still not serious about dating (post-divorce) and just really not wanting a relationship at all. I love having girlfriends and am very close to my family. Am the same age as those bachelor people, attractive while not looking for "love" I have no desire for it. Or rather, I should say I am not sure I believe in a "lasting love" of the relationship variety for myself. Like, it seems almost unbelivable. Have never been one to date a lot (my exH is/was my only serious relationship) and was never one of those "girls" who always had a boyfriend or felt she'd die w/o one. It was a shock to everyone when I met my exH, got serious and got married. We lasted for eight years much to my own disbelief (as I never thought I'd have a LTR). Haha. LOL. I love hearing all the different perspectives and points of view on TAM.



Yeah the thing is , l don't actually want love as such , the one , anything too heavy , though I am a wittle bit stuck on T let me tell ya.
But l hate one nighters and for weeks later l'd be alone again and the house will be empty , that's not what l need right now.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's not that I am picky at all, it is just that I rarely if ever get struck by the love bug. It happens every blue moon for me and when it does, is sucker punch-drop kicks me in the stomach and is amaaazing.
> 
> After my 8 yrs relationship with ex, relationships do not appeal to me in the slightest right now. I am enjoying this journey I am on right now.
> 
> Marriage does not appeal to me at all in the slightest. I *could* change my mind but I doubt it. One and done



See , l've been feeling like this too , l'm actually even pretty disgusted with marriages these days . The [email protected] has fallen right out of it's concept in peoples views of it now. Vows have no real meaning anymore.
T , as l've said , l've always liked anyway but now that I am single , l a lot like , that's just how that one rolled.

Even if it is one of the hopeful ones here , l wouldn't so much want love or anything as such but hey if it fell in my lap then so be it.

On another note though , l'm wondering lately , if l don't like one nighters , but l'm not looking to get married or anything , how the hell do I get some company ! l would like to at least like her quite a bit !:scratchhead:


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

So is it a turn off to girls , the guys loving the girls , the way some girls prefer guys to girlfriends ?
I'm not into male company too much either, never have been , a day or two here or there is plenty with a males for me.
Love a beer and a chat but you know , not days on end or continuously ! 

I'm a pretty masculine guy , no flower boy but l just do love the girls l guess you'd say


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> So is it a turn off to girls , the guys loving the girls , the way some girls prefer guys to girlfriends ?


I think what you are asking is if it's a turn off for most women if a guy is friends with women? Is that right?

It doesn't bother me unless the guy I am with is closer to his gal pals than me. I dated a guy once (briefly, so briefly) who was BFFs with his EX girlfriend and her name popped up in nearly every conversation we had. Total turn off. We didn't last long dating due to that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> On another note though , l'm wondering lately , if l don't like one nighters , but l'm not looking to get married or anything , how the hell do I get some company ! l would like to at least like her quite a bit !:scratchhead:


You are worrying for things that have not happened yet. Let things go at their own pace. If you meet someone who also just wants to bang (lol) and doesn't want a relationship, then SCORE!!! (if that is what you want).


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

whitehawk said:


> Yeah those shows amaze me to , and to put your self through that - must be a lot harder than the grass is greener types believe when they take off.


It is amazing to me how DIFFICULT it is for people to show, put forth their vulnerabilites with others.. Maybe because I really haven't been rejected, hurt...besides puppy love before the age of 15... but it appears if one wants to find lasting love you must walk through this door with another...... be open, emotionally available to give it your *all* and risk this rejection... it's the only way...



But so difficult, heart wrenching for many... I guess the spirit can only take so much of this before it wants to SHUT DOWN...protect itself... Many singles are SHUT DOWN here... this is why lasting connection is so very hard to find with another.. 

Had a GF who was shut down for 15 yrs, she even denied she wanted a man...it took a very special one to enter her life & break down those erected walls... they are getting married in a few months..I am the Maid of Honor, so elated for her! She's admitted to me all those years it was just easier to say she didn't care, that she gave up on Love. 



> *Jellybeans said*" I am romantic only in a relationship. When I was a little girl I loved the idea of a crush on a guy (and kissing him, ooh la la) however I was always thinking I wanted to travel when I grew up, go to school, learn, teach, help out others (children especially) who were less fortunate.
> 
> .... *I don't have a rush need to be in a relationship at all. It really does not appeal to me at the moment*.


 It is always an anticipated RUSH for the True Romantic...

You are surely NOT a "Hopeless Romantic" at heart .... if you was, being single would cause you great sadness.. you would cringe watching a Romantic movie....you would feel you were missing a significant part of living... It's like when I wanted more children/ those infertility yrs......I was basket-cased with every negative pregnancy test, I hated seeing big happy families...it hurt -a reminder of what I couldn't have... it's not that I didn't want them to have what they had but.... I so WANTED that for my own life, it was almost tormenting... like I could TASTE it, but not grasp it ...I never tried to numb this.. I stayed in touch..but it did cause me alot of hurt. 

YOu would feel a good measure of this IF you was a true Romantic .....these feelings would not be able to just vanish when you are single... it would creep in...when you heard those beautiful gushy love songs or observed a couple "giddy" in love out & about. 

Sure you feel Romance within a relationship, I would HOPE everyone does - or how boring it would [email protected]#$ But a "Hopeless" would travel the world , climb a mountain -believing he/she could find that special someone... it's like a burning passion....because they understand this is a worthy pursuit -for them... being deeply connected to another. 

I don't feel this makes me needy (even though it may sound so [email protected]#$).... just in touch with what I deeply ENJOY in life... what brings ME personal happiness. I also would not be content with a man who felt that was all "stupid or too much or found that needy"... I'd kick him to the curb - seriously ! If he doesn't want pampered and companionship as this, he's not for me.

I wouldn't care to travel unless I had a man beside me sharing the experience... I have a deep enjoyment in sharing / being connected in amorous love... my username fits me well !


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You are worrying for things that have not happened yet. Let things go at their own pace. If you meet someone who also just wants to bang (lol) and doesn't want a relationship, then SCORE!!! (if that is what you want).



JB you are so funny - yep pretty well sums it up doesn't it , thanks. Now all l have to do is stop worrying :smthumbup:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are surely NOT a "Hopeless Romantic" at heart .... if you was, being single would cause you great sadness..


Being single doesn't cause me "sadness." I don't see it as a defect.



SimplyAmorous said:


> you would cringe watching a Romantic movie....


Wrong. I do not cringe when watching romantic movies. I rather enjoy/love them!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> JB you are so funny - yep pretty well sums it up doesn't it , thanks. Now all l have to do is stop worrying :smthumbup:


Glad I could give you a chuckle! :smthumbup:


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I think what you are asking is if it's a turn off for most women if a guy is friends with women? Is that right?
> 
> It doesn't bother me unless the guy I am with is closer to his gal pals than me. I dated a guy once (briefly, so briefly) who was BFFs with his EX girlfriend and her name popped up in nearly every conversation we had. Total turn off. We didn't last long dating due to that.



Well sorta . Like is a guy like that still attractive or would you guys rather him be an out with the boys type.

I'm weird , l often find - use to , myself around a lot of women , even my x and any friends , my daughter and hers , l have 6 sisters , l do love female company.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It all depends on the individual woman, Whitehawk. Some may like one thing, some may not.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jellybeans said:* Being single doesn't cause me "sadness." I don't see it as a defect.


 Absolutely, I agree with you ! Someone like yourself would be far better off over ME - if I was in your shoes ...and single. And like wise those who feel like me...I would argue that we are not needy... (but this is often referred to)...we just know what fulfills us as a person, what brings us personal happiness... and thankfully others LIKE us exist in droves on this planet ! We are truly all different and it's OK! Just make sure we find someone compatible if /when we do hook up...that "gets us", appreciates us for being who we are...and loves us for it -even. 



whitehawk said:


> So is it a turn off to girls , the guys loving the girls , the way some girls prefer guys to girlfriends ?
> *I'm not into male company too much either, never have been , a day or two here or there is plenty with a males for me.*
> Love a beer and a chat but you know , not days on end or continuously !
> 
> I'm a pretty masculine guy , no flower boy but l just do love the girls l guess you'd say


My husband was never one to hang with a bunch of Guys.. he is the genuine nice Guy type...says he gets enough manly time at work... I DIG THAT... I also demand on being friends before Lovers.. but I am old fashioned, so long as he is GOOD LOOKING... and puts me #1... I wouldn't care if he had female friends so long as they became my friends too. 

IN fact, one of his friends (she had a thing for my husband but he didn't want her-warned me I better not hurt him) ...became MY friend and I even had her in our wedding party !

But just as a side note, I am a weird woman, Alpha males are not a turn on to me...I can't stand the Alpha Play boy type, I would choose a "Book Nerd" over that.....I've always had a thing for the shy boys...I am surely in the minority when it comes to women.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Absolutely, I agree with you ! Someone like yourself would be far better off over ME - if I was in your shoes ...and single.


Gotcha :smthumbup:


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l'm a weird mix. l'm my own man always have been and l do get plenty of invites with guys stuff well,when l know people. l'm new to our area here and don't know or fit in with the locals much so even that's out round here but normally. 
l'm just not into too much guy stuff, do enjoy some though .
l'd usually prefer hanging out with my x or doing my own thing than too much guy stuff .

Depends to though , like if it it's starts to head into too much of the girls stuff , convo's and [email protected] l mean , l'm outa there no matter how cute they are . But hey if it's fun and mixed .


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in the US? National Night Out is just around the corner - nationwide block party! See what your neighborhood is planning for this; if nothing, PLAN IT! GREAT way to meet the guys in your neighborhood.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey T , started the thread wondering why a girl l know called T , was more back offish since l've sep and , l end up with instructions from another T , on how to meet guys :smthumbup:

Gotta be a message in there somewhere :rofl:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know what women love most in men? Confidence. Being carefree yet dependable. A sense of humor. Going out and meeting guys would be the absolute best thing to get a girl interested in you.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

turnera said:


> You know what women love most in men? Confidence. Being carefree yet dependable. A sense of humor. Going out and meeting guys would be the absolute best thing to get a girl interested in you.


Is that right , hmmm !
I'm a pretty confident guy anyway and hey girls love my humor , I get plenty of interest too actually but I didn't want other girls , I'm hoping for T . 
Ain't it always the way , it's the one we want that we have to catch , the rest don't matter !

Got it , chuck 10 boofy, impressive guys in the car , drive past her place all day until she see's me :smthumbup:


----------

