# Personal embarrassments...



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do you have any personal embarrassments/issues that you would have to share with potential new partner and feel embarrassed about it?


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

My concerns: 

• sleep apnea (cpap definitely not optional!)
• lack of confidence, stemming from years of rejection in a nearly sexless and affection-less marriage to my only sexual partner ever (not strictly necessary to disclose, I suppose, but something to contend with).

Logically, I can convince myself I have something to offer. But, it’s hard to feel it. Projecting confidence isn’t going to come naturally (once I leave, that is).

I suspect the only way to overcome any sort of fear in this part of life is to accept that it is present, be in touch with your basic goodness and value as a person, and trust that any would-be partner worth having in your life - one able to offer you joy and pleasure along the way - will be accepting and not put off by whatever it is that worries you. You’re more than whatever it is you fear, and someone will naturally see that.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

It shouldn't embarrass me, but it does make me cringe when I think about having to reveal it for fear that it will scare someone off. I am prone to depression. I've had it as far back as I can remember and I don't see it ever magically disappearing. It's something I have to live with and control as best I can, but there are times when it takes over my life.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wouldn't the sleep apnea only become an issue when you two are sharing a bed? But it's also a turn-off for me when I can't sleep because my guest is sawing logs like a chainsaw. But ear-plugs are cheap. 

But yeah, I have tons of issues that I wouldn't tell a date, or someone I would like some kind of LTR with. Like...
Being disowned by my family 
And spending my holidays alone. 
A difficultly opening up emotionally or connecting with people 
My football hobby consuming about 3-4 months of my life, so the dating will take a nose dive. And I've had to use steroids in the past to be deal with weight loss, muscle fatigue, soreness, pain, etc., I imagine this is undesirable 
And I have insomnia. I usually take sleeping pills for it, but it requires some planning on my part so I can take them at the right time to fall asleep. Which can make it difficult to have a...spontaneous, romantic night. 
And I've been cheated on by two different ex's. Which is extremely embarrassing as a guy. Sometimes my buddies will crack a joke about it, like how I couldn't keep a girl satisfied or something. I'm sure that has influenced some things. 

How have I overcome these problems? 
I do what the men from Boondock Saints II do! 
I hide my feelings! 
Why? 
Because it's none of your @#$%&*# business!

Real answer is I either suppress/hide my feelings or problems. I was never asked how I felt during the civil war of my parent's divorce, I was told to become the man of the house. Given that, I imagine this has caused me to hide all my problems so people that might care about me would never know all this crazy crap exist just below the surface, so they would never think to ask. 

Did I answer the question?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Do you have any personal embarrassments/issues that you would have to share with potential new partner and feel embarrassed about it?


I lost 4 of my bottom center teeth and have a denture. People probably think I wasn't keeping up with oral hygiene, but it's actually because of a combination of family genetic issues effecting bone density, a silent infection, and an accidental impact. It's something that's been hard for me. It took me a while to learn to kiss again and even now I'm a little off. Same with performing oral.

I've risked choking to death in my sleep rather than take out my denture before bed because I am so self-conscious about it in front of my own husband of 20 years who I am extremely close to. Like, show each other internet posts in the bathroom close to. But I hate to let him see me without the denture in. A new partner? _runs screaming to suck thumb in fetal position in corner_

I could have bone grafts and get implants so I'd be "normal" again, but that costs about 8k and I can either do some necessary masonry repairs and exterior door replacements that desperately need to be done or... so, yeah.

Also, I have issues with handjobs. I just suck at them. Fondling, I'm all good. Jerking off? Total fail. I don't know why, but I suspect it's because when everyone else was heavy petting and learning manual stimulation as a step toward intercourse, I was just having intercourse. A new partner might wonder why that's something that rarely happens and almost never happens to completion. Hell, for some HJ aficionados it might be a dealbreaker. 



PieceOfSky said:


> and trust that any would-be partner worth having in your life - one able to offer you joy and pleasure along the way - will be accepting and not put off by whatever it is that worries you.


I've read various Reddit threads about things that bother people and a surprising majority of respondents think its no big deal at all. People seem to be far more accepting of flaws on the whole than we give them credit for.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I lost 4 of my bottom center teeth and have a denture. People probably think I wasn't keeping up with oral hygiene, but it's actually because of a combination of family genetic issues effecting bone density, a silent infection, and an accidental impact. It's something that's been hard for me. It took me a while to learn to kiss again and even now I'm a little off. Same with performing oral.
> 
> I've risked choking to death in my sleep rather than take out my denture before bed because I am so self-conscious about it in front of my own husband of 20 years who I am extremely close to. Like, show each other internet posts in the bathroom close to. But I hate to let him see me without the denture in. A new partner? _runs screaming to suck thumb in fetal position in corner_
> 
> ...


Okay, if we're getting really down and dirty, lol, I have a small mouth (I know, hard for some of you to believe) and it makes it painful and tiring for me to do oral for very long. My jaw starts to hurt like crazy and I just have to stop. On the other hand (pun intended) I can make up for it with a good handjob. Haha!


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:

sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The most I've done with anyone not my ex wife was a peck on the cheek or a homecoming / prom dance.

My ex was never really interested in "real" kissing. After our first kiss she decided that it was "wet and gross" so we never really did it unless she had been drinking. Almost every time it was basically having a tongue pushed as deeply into my mouth as possible. That _might_ be an issue.

I had been told during elementary, middle, and high school that I was a poor example of a male and no one would ever _really_ care for me. When my wife left, a lot of her reasons read like a checklist of what made me who I am. I don't know if either of these things are stuff I would be sharing with dates but its not stuff I'm proud of and it might affect the relationship eventually.

At 42 I still get pimples. Its not as bad as middle or high school but I've literally not been without at least a couple since I was 10 or 11. Most of the time they're below the collar now though.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I have bad allergies. When I got tested, I was allergic to everything. As a result, my morning ritual of blowing my nose and clearing my throat isn't pretty. Nothing feminine or dainty about it.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

- My weight - I'd like to lose a stone

- My skin - my recent diagnosed disorder has now developed in full blown eczema and I'll have to go down the immunosuppressants route to control it... but I believe my disorder was caused by topical steroids abuse, pushed by dr and derma... but the medical community doesn't recognise it. At the moment, I'm covered in red, flaky, itchy, dry skin from neck to feet and have severe oedema in thighs, hands, arms, ankles and feet... on hefty oral steroids... I'm sure all this will pass, but I've been in severe pain for the last 2 months...  wish me luck!


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think everyone has some stuff they'd rather they didn't have and would rather a new partner never finds out. I've had three kids. I am blessed not be covered with stretch marks but there are other signs. My boyfriend has three kids so I never brought any of it up. He knows the drill. I know he sees it, he never mentions it.

I've had a breast reduction and that leaves scars. When I first got together with my boyfriend I was only 5 months out from my surgery. I had also had my gallbladder removed 4 months prior as well which also left scars. I warned him about them. He very sweetly said it didn't matter to him. After our first time he said he didn't even noticed the scars as they were so light. A few months ago he mentioned how they've lightened up so much you really have to look for them to see them now. So I called him out on his lie about not seeing them our first time together. He just smiled and said "I wasn't paying attention to them and I wanted you to feel confident with me." If someone really wants to be with you, they overlook that kind of stuff. He has a few skin flaws that I don't pay attention to either.

As for my emotional scars of my past relationships we've discussed stuff. We went away together when we'd been seeing each for about 6 months and I laid all my baggage out and he laid all his out and it was really bonding actually. I know what he needs from me and he knows what I need from him. We are both working hard to make sure the other feels safe in our relationship and I do feel safer with him than I have with anyone else, including my exH before I knew the truth about him. BF's ex-wife cheated on him and so I know he needs real transparency from me. When an old acquaintance starting fishing around, I was very open with my BF, showed him the messages, asked for his advice on how to deal with it. The guy just messaged me again last night after a long break and BF and I were laughing and joking about all the possible responses to "hey...what are you wearing right now?" that ranged from stern to very, very naughty talk about BF and myself. (After our fun we got serious and decided to ignore.) He knows I have nothing to hide from him. We've both been cheated on and we have no desire to make the other worry about anything. 

@Broken at 20, your friends sound like total assholes. Sorry.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it...


When I was little my siblings picked on me to no end about everything that might be embarrassing. Today I am _mostly_ immune to being embarrassed about those or any other things anymore. 

It is like your mom says, "if anyone teases or makes fun of you for your issues, it is because they probably like you!"

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Mine is a personality flaw more than an embarrassment, IMO. But it has come up in almost all of my relationships. I am obsessed with cars. I spend at least an hr a day (usually 2) reading, watching, or “playing” with mine. I have too many of them in most people’s opinion. Supposedly I should do something better / more productive with my time.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:
> 
> sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
> my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.


Snoring can be cute. Seriously. I love my wife's min-snores. When they go to maxi, I will once in a while record them, just for fun. Does not bother me. Flip things around, and my snoring bothers my wife greatly. And I don't snore nearly as loudly or as often as she imagines... she kinda dreams it. I've recorded this to see what's real and what's imagined.

Curious thing, the annoyance factor of my snoring, for her, varies with her mood.

The arm thing... don't think I'd worry about it. It wouldn't bother me. I don't think it would bother many. Own who you are. Easy for me to say, right? But if you can be as confidant in person, with a potential partner, as you are here on TAM... I think you'll do just fine.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while. And I'd warn a potential partner about my snoring.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Oh, something else I should've added, I can't grow a beard (facial hair looks like crap) and I have no chest hair. The facial hair annoys me, because aside from maybe a 5:00 shadow, I can't really rock anything else. And a lot of girls I've met seem to like beards. 



notmyjamie said:


> @Broken at 20, your friends sound like total assholes. Sorry.


They don't do it too often. Usually only when drinking and complaining about a girlfriend/someone they're dating. 

Additionally, I never had a meltdown or shared my long list of problems with them. When my life imploded, we were in college, and most of them were out of town. So it's not entirely fair to judge them for certain things because they don't know the whole story. 
But yes, I will agree. They can be jerks sometimes. 



Casual Observer said:


> OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while. And I'd warn a potential partner about my snoring.


So I find this interesting... 
You feel vulnerability isn't a bad thing, so you cry (about whatever, it doesn't matter)
But you're bringing it up. Which means, as a guy, you know something is inherently wrong about it. Like society will judge you for it, or that it's not socially acceptable. 

Or I'm reading way too into something again.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Broken at 20 said:


> They don't do it too often. Usually only when drinking and complaining about a girlfriend/someone they're dating.
> 
> Additionally, I never had a meltdown or shared my long list of problems with them. When my life imploded, we were in college, and most of them were out of town. So it's not entirely fair to judge them for certain things because they don't know the whole story.
> But yes, I will agree. They can be jerks sometimes.


I guess they're pretty lucky they don't know how it feels to have someone you love betray you in that way. It's still pretty insensitive of them. 

As for men crying...I can't think of a single man in my life who I haven't seen cry with the exception of my father who was so emotionally closed off he had not one healthy relationship in his life. I'll take a guy who can cry when the occasion calls for it.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while.


My husband is not a crier. At all. But when it comes to his 20 yo daughter and the struggles she's had with her abusive/mentally ill mother, or talking about the death of his own mother, he does cry. Doesn't happen often. And let me tell you, my heart bursts with so much love for him in those moments. It sounds really corny and I'm the antithesis of romantic or getting caught up in my feelz but in those moments I fall deeper in love with him. Why? Because he's showing me his vulnerable side and he trusts me.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So I find this interesting...
> You feel vulnerability isn't a bad thing, so you cry (about whatever, it doesn't matter)
> But you're bringing it up. Which means, as a guy, you know something is inherently wrong about it. Like society will judge you for it, or that it's not socially acceptable.
> 
> Or I'm reading way too into something again.


I don't cry because I feel bad about being vulnerable. I cry because I might be very emotional about something. Not because I'm judging myself.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Wouldn't the sleep apnea only become an issue when you two are sharing a bed? But it's also a turn-off for me when I can't sleep because my guest is sawing logs like a chainsaw. But ear-plugs are cheap.


Yes, it would be an issue when moving on forward with relationship. I have cpap machine that takes care of snoring and gives me better quality of sleep but that thing is not pretty....


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Snoring can be cute. Seriously. I love my wife's min-snores. When they go to maxi, I will once in a while record them, just for fun. Does not bother me. Flip things around, and my snoring bothers my wife greatly. And I don't snore nearly as loudly or as often as she imagines... she kinda dreams it. I've recorded this to see what's real and what's imagined.
> 
> Curious thing, the annoyance factor of my snoring, for her, varies with her mood.
> 
> The arm thing... don't think I'd worry about it. It wouldn't bother me. I don't think it would bother many. Own who you are. Easy for me to say, right? But if you can be as confidant in person, with a potential partner, as you are here on TAM... I think you'll do just fine.


That gives me some hope but my snoring is not light. Cpap machine fixes snoring, but brings other issue ... of freaking mask with the hose on you head...


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:
> 
> sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
> my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.


So, do you know that there is an Sports Illustrated swimsuit model with vitiligo?









If someone doesn't like that, then f*ck them, ya know? You are what you are.

Who here doesn't have stuff about themselves they don't like or would like to change?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@jlg07 thanks for posting that picture. She immediately came to mind when I read Wanda's post.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jlg07 said:


> Who here doesn't have stuff about themselves they don't like or would like to change?


absolutely agree.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> So, do you know that there is an Sports Illustrated swimsuit model with vitiligo?
> View attachment 69945
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah she is a model my spots are more chaotic. I estimate that four more years and I will be one color again - the lighter shade.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wanda... there's a bunch of things I could nitpick about myself but really, this is the package I've been dealt. Others can take it or leave it. What if your 'spots' are more interesting, rather than chaotic? I know sometimes these things are easier said than done, but don't sweat it. If someone is into you... they're going to be into you. End of.

To answer your question though - physical nitpicking aside, mine would be:

I don't cook.

Batman cooks; he loves it and granted, it's out of necessity. His meals taste delicious. A guy I dated before meeting Batman, was training to be a chef and cooked for us, too. Anyway, not cooking; probably not very appealing. At my age, a bit embarrassing. And yet, this is where I am and without particular intention to change.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Although, I did recently find myself in the kitchen and baked cupcakes. A friend texted to say I needed to deliver some to her. I sent her a photo of my creation. Upon seeing them, she basically responded jovially not to bother. They tasted decent though! Anyway... cooking skills? Not this kitty-cat's strong point. I do make a heck of a cuppa tea though.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> That gives me some hope but my snoring is not light. Cpap machine fixes snoring, but brings other issue ... of freaking mask with the hose on you head...


I get concerned about Batman's snoring and breathing during the night. He won't go the machine-route, despite health concerns. Recently I was up late recording a voice presentation for an assignment, and from another part of our home, while he slept. I could still hear him from there...! At one point, frustration gave in to laughter, when I had to re-record what I was saying to not have the snoring come through. The crazy thing is though, I can't sleep without him next to me, even with all that racket, and listening out for his breathing. Actually, it's no wonder I'm tired. haha.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.


Oh Wanda, I have another mission for you if you are game to accept... I dare you to buy a sleeveless dress. Not a blouse, a dress. I don't mind if you start with a cap sleeve to work up to sleeveless, but I challenge you to do this and wear out to a local place. Just once. See how you go.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh Wanda, I have another mission for you if you are game to accept... I dare you to buy a sleeveless dress. Not a blouse, a dress. I don't mind if you start with a cap sleeve to work up to sleeveless, but I challenge you to do this and wear out to a local place. Just once. See how you go.


Don’t think so... my eyes start dancing when I look at my arms. I have it all over my hands, legs, but arm’s pattern is sooo busy, it’s too much for my own eyes

i have to say -out of snoring and vitiligo, snoring stresses me more. With vitiligo -it is right there in plain sight. My potential spy career is off tge table though -can not blend in with the crowd anymore


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Don’t think so... my eyes start dancing when I look at my arms. I have it all over my hands, legs, but arm’s pattern is sooo busy, it’s too much for my own eyes


 With all the guys who liked Star Trek's Dax, don't worry too much about your skin. Apparently, similar skin designs have been seen as hot and exotic. Of course, the hottest thing to a lot of guys is a woman who has a flaw and just rocks it. And to women, seeing someone confident in their differentness is damn inspirational and a beautiful thing to see.

If your skin patterning is too busy, go with a solid color dress. Get all prettied up, put the dress and some sexy sandals on, and own it.


----------



## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

There are many things I wish I could change about myself. Wish I were younger, slimmer, taller, more muscular. Wish I didn't get anxious as often as I do. I'm sure I could go on and on. But I don't feel embarrassed about any of it because no one's perfect. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I don't need to be. I've got some good points and that's enough. 

I don't believe in secrets. Anything we hide creates unhealthiness. We're only as sick as our secrets. Doesn't mean I'm gonna spill everything on a first date or even necessarily in the first month or two or six. But nothing's hidden, nothing's secret. If it comes up, I'll share about it. If it's something important that another person has a right to know, I'll mention it early. Like the fact that I have children. Or, back when I was last single, that I've been divorced a couple of times.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> @jlg07 thanks for posting that picture. She immediately came to mind when I read Wanda's post.


She (that swimsuit model, and presumably @WandaJ ), makes the rest of us look pretty boring, y'know? Could you imagine if all horses or dogs or cats or snakes had no patterns, just a monotone color like ordinary people do?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Yes, it would be an issue when moving on forward with relationship. I have cpap machine that takes care of snoring and gives me better quality of sleep but that thing is not pretty....


So you're the complete woman. You come equipped with a CPAP machine, you don't have to dress up to show off your outfit (because it's you!) and all you really need to add is a set of Bose noise-cancelling headphones placed just to the side of the condoms.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> That gives me some hope but my snoring is not light. Cpap machine fixes snoring, but brings other issue ... of freaking mask with the hose on you head...


My husband sleeps with a CPAP machine, has done for years, well before I met him. The first time I stayed over (I'd never seen one before) I wondered what it was on the table next to the bed, but that was about it. I asked him, he told me and that was that lol. 

Looking back my Dad should have gone on CPAP - his snoring would keep the whole house awake pmsl. My youngest brother is about to do the sleep study for his snoring, his fiance asked him too as she is worried about his health.

If I were meeting a new partner, I'd be more concerned about things like if his marriage ended due to his cheating, or if he lived with his parents 🤣


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Actually come to think of it, the only real dealbreaker for me would be if his mother were still alive 🤣


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hiner112 said:


> The most I've done with anyone not my ex wife was a peck on the cheek or a homecoming / prom dance.
> 
> My ex was never really interested in "real" kissing. After our first kiss she decided that it was "wet and gross" so we never really did it unless she had been drinking. Almost every time it was basically having a tongue pushed as deeply into my mouth as possible. That _might_ be an issue.
> 
> ...


My guy told me an ex made fun of his kissing style and he's been self-conscious of it ever since. MY ex hadn't kissed me properly in years, so I've been ecstatic he loves kissing so much. It's all perspective, love. Hang in there, you'll meet someone who finds your concern cute.

Btw, I still break out at 40 and have had 3 courses of Accutane over the last 20 years. You're not alone in your struggle!



Casual Observer said:


> OK, my own embarrassments. I'm a guy that doesn't feel vulnerability is a bad thing so once in a while I'll cry. Many women think it's wrong for a guy to cry. Doesn't happen often, but it comes up once in a while. And I'd warn a potential partner about my snoring.


Sensitive men are very attractive to many women, myself included. I'm very emotional, though I do my best not to show it, it's reassuring when a man makes me feel safe to express my emotions by showing his own. The right lady for you would appreciate knowing how you feel.

Hmm... I'm self-conscious about my food allergies, it's a real buzz-kill to have to mention it. Luckily, my guy has experience with food allergies, unfortunately his son has some, so it didn't faze him. I'm acutely aware of my stomach, it's a bit pudgy and it's littered with scars from my surgeries, so I'm afraid my efforts at working out won't do much. I'm very sensitive and emotional - either I feel things very strongly or not at all and I've been holding back somewhat. 

Everyone has something they wish were different, I suppose, so I just try to do what I can about what is controllable and put the rest out of mind.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> Don’t think so... my eyes start dancing when I look at my arms. I have it all over my hands, legs, but arm’s pattern is sooo busy, it’s too much for my own eyes
> 
> i have to say -out of snoring and vitiligo, snoring stresses me more. With vitiligo -it is right there in plain sight. My potential spy career is off tge table though -can not blend in with the crowd anymore


I do understand not feeling comfortable with aspects of self... on the other hand, most people have their own stuff going on and likely won't notice. Or if they do, it's fleeting and why does it matter. My intention with suggesting to wear something to a local destination, is to encourage you to realize that you're okay. Oh how I'd love for you to feel the breeze on your arms and not give a flying funk.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also... when the time is right that you do start thinking of dating... they're going to have stuff too. Just as we all do.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I got spider veins and a few varicose veins on my legs thanks to pregnancy. Both my legs look like a roadmap! I live in a beach town so there's no way I can avoid shorts, dresses, skirts and bathing suits. I finally let go of those feelings and realized I was the only one worried about my veins! Everyone around me had its own flaws and shapes. No one is perfect. 

I've gotten a vein treatment already. I'm thinking about getting another one even though it leaves marks and bruises. I haven't done it yet because I've gotten comfortable with the way they look.

I have other stuff I don't like about my body but I was very self conscious about my legs. 

We have a very good friend who snores like a bear! He didn't have trouble dating but we wondered how his girlfriend could sleep next to him! Lol! 
I think it's not a big deal to get a CPAP machine. I'd rather be with someone who has the snoring under control than someone who's going to keep me awake at night.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Everyone has things they don't like about themselves or would hesitate to tell a new partner. Whoever you'd meet, he'd have his own insecurities too. Typically, things are a much bigger deal to yourself than anyone else. The two you listed here are not easily hidden so I'm sure that could make it feel harder for you since neither are "invisible" issues.

I'm human so I have my own list. Some big, some small.

I have plenty of physical insecurities... Large birthmark, weird bright red freckles, nipple piercing scars, "crooked" nipples, bald spot in my beard, and on and on.
I snore unless I sleep with 2-3 perfectly placed pillows, and if I'm sick apparently I make a moaning/whining sound ALL night.
I have a child with Down syndrome and a lot of people wouldn't want to deal with that.
You know that tingling/pin and needles feeling when your foot falls asleep? My legs (from the knees down) have felt like that 24/7 for the last 17 years. I'm pretty used to it now but might not notice if I'm being touched there, my gait is off when I run, sometimes I trip, and sometimes I ***** and moan about the feeling.
When I was a teenager I went through a "phase" of cutting, except I did it on my inner thighs instead of my arms because it was easier to hide. If I don't have pants on those scars are noticable, especially to the touch, but only one person knows about it and I've never told anyone else.
I have a ton of anger and control issues, and even if they "resolved" that's still not a pretty thing to have in your past and there are things I wouldn't want to mention.
I would have to tell a new partner that my wife was banging two other dudes for over a decade and I didn't even notice. That I raised a daughter who isn't biologically mine, AND that they wouldn't just have to deal with a mentally ill ex-wife but also the OM from time to time.
I could keep going, but the point is, I'm a human and I have my own set of issues and insecurities. We all do.

If a new partner has questions then answer them, but with both the vitiligo and CPAP, treat it like a non-issue and it probably won't be a big deal. People stare because they are curious, once they get used to it or educate themselves, it's no longer a weird thing.

Before you start dating, try working on self-love and finding the beauty in your skin. It really is nothing to be ashamed about.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have a severe shellfish allergy. So if a date orders shellfish when we are out to dinner, and touches it with his hands, I can't hold his hand until he washes it. I can't have a shellfish touched fork go into my food, either, if he wanted to have some food from my plate while eating his shellfish meal he can't use that same fork. 

i can't/don't want shellfish cooked in my kitchen in my house anymore. I've learned that even a bit of the cooking water around, if I even touch it externally, will make my skin blow up. If the shellfish chef isn't really careful, allergens will be all over my kitchen. 

In my last relationship it was conveyed to me how much of a pain in the ass my shellfish allergy is, and almost a deal breaker for him. It was more than he wanted to think about not cross contaminating our meals at a restaurant, and me not wanting him to cook shellfish at my house.

i realize that I might not be able to have a long term relationship in my life, because a man won't want to be with me because they will have to be careful about shellfish around me.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I have a severe shellfish allergy. So if a date orders shellfish when we are out to dinner, and touches it with his hands, I can't hold his hand until he washes it. I can't have a shellfish touched fork go into my food, either, if he wanted to have some food from my plate while eating his shellfish meal he can't use that same fork.
> 
> i can't/don't want shellfish cooked in my kitchen in my house anymore. I've learned that even a bit of the cooking water around, if I even touch it externally, will make my skin blow up. If the shellfish chef isn't really careful, allergens will be all over my kitchen.
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm biased because I have a kid with anaphylactic allergies, to the point of being airlifted twice (guess I can add that to my list), but I think you just had bad luck with this guy. I really don't think that allergy would prevent you from having a LTR. Not everyone likes or "needs" shellfish. I sure don't. I know several guys who have eliminated certain foods or totally changed their diets for their SO's.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bobert said:


> Maybe I'm biased because I have a kid with anaphylactic allergies, to the point of being airlifted twice (guess I can add that to my list), but I think you just had bad luck with this guy. I really don't think that allergy would prevent you from having a LTR. Not everyone likes or "needs" shellfish. I sure don't. I know several guys who have eliminated certain foods or totally changed their diets for their SO's.


I'm sorry about the airlifts, that must have been scary! What is the allergy?

Thank you for the encouragement. I think I'll disclose my shellfish allergy early on to weed out men who won't deal with it!


----------



## Nishlover1 (Feb 18, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I am divorcing that’s why I started thinking about it... For me there are two things:
> 
> sleep apnea - either snoring or having “elephant mask” on . That’s when the relationship progress to that point, of course. Worrying about that first night and that too.... not sexy.
> my skin. Few years ago I developed vitiligo -disorder where your skin loses pigment. I have pretty acute case. Parts if my body look like leopard’s skin. I do not even buy sleeveless blouses anymore, I can not look at my arms.


Sorry to hear about your Vitiligo. I also have Vitiligo. It started with a tiny spot on my back shoulder. Went to the doctor and he said it was just fungal and told me to use some "Senson Blue" shampoo. This was a few years into my marriage. 
I started getting more and more of these spots and went to dermatologist who diagnosed me with Vitiligo. Tried topical creams, light therapy, herbal medicine. The worse was on the face. I took a huge self esteem hit. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Through it all, my wife never made me feel any different. She loved me no matter what. 

Fast forward to now, my skin is all evenly lost pigmentation and only have 2-3 spots on my arms and back of ear. People ask if the spots on my arms are tattoos. 
What treatments have you tried? is bleaching an option you considered? 

I hope you find someone who will see you for who you are and not someone with an illness. Good luck!


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nishlover1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your Vitiligo. I also have Vitiligo. It started with a tiny spot on my back shoulder. Went to the doctor and he said it was just fungal and told me to use some "Senson Blue" shampoo. This was a few years into my marriage.
> I started getting more and more of these spots and went to dermatologist who diagnosed me with Vitiligo. Tried topical creams, light therapy, herbal medicine. The worse was on the face. I took a huge self esteem hit. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. Through it all, my wife never made me feel any different. She loved me no matter what.
> 
> Fast forward to now, my skin is all evenly lost pigmentation and only have 2-3 spots on my arms and back of ear. People ask if the spots on my arms are tattoos.
> ...


Thank you. Frankly, I gave up on all treatments. You can try ointments when you have few spots, not half of your body. these ointments were $800 per 10 mg tube, it was ridiculous. luckily I was able to get it from family in Europe for way less. 
I am just waiting to get to the same point you are - back to my baby white skin. estimate it for 3-4 years. My face has spots, but with more exposure to the sun, they kind of blend in now. 

It can be big hit on self esteem. In a way it is lucky, I got it so late in my life (I was 46 when first spots showed up), when the self esteem is what it is, and what get changed one way or the other much. But in my vitiligo fb group you can see a lot of young people who are crushed by it, avoiding social interactions. Particularly from Asia - apparently it is a big taboo there. People from there seem clinically depressed, as they not only can not find romantic partner, but friends.


----------



## Nishlover1 (Feb 18, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Thank you. Frankly, I gave up on all treatments. You can try ointments when you have few spots, not half of your body. these ointments were $800 per 10 mg tube, it was ridiculous. luckily I was able to get it from family in Europe for way less.
> I am just waiting to get to the same point you are - back to my baby white skin. estimate it for 3-4 years. My face has spots, but with more exposure to the sun, they kind of blend in now.
> 
> It can be big hit on self esteem. In a way it is lucky, I got it so late in my life (I was 46 when first spots showed up), when the self esteem is what it is, and what get changed one way or the other much. But in my vitiligo fb group you can see a lot of young people who are crushed by it, avoiding social interactions. Particularly from Asia - apparently it is a big taboo there. People from there seem clinically depressed, as they not only can not find romantic partner, but friends.



I am from India and used to have brown skin so having white patches really stood out against the dark skin. Doctors said it's genetics and hereditary, however, nobody in my family or grandparents had Vitiligo. I have 4 kids and hoping it doesn't get passed onto them. I would imagine it would be much tougher on girls.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nishlover1 said:


> I am from India and used to have brown skin so having white patches really stood out against the dark skin. Doctors said it's genetics and hereditary, however, nobody in my family or grandparents had Vitiligo. I have 4 kids and hoping it doesn't get passed onto them. I would imagine it would be much tougher on girls.


I'm glad you found your peace with it. I also dread passing this my girls, along with Hashimoto.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I have a ton of scars from heart surgery and overall have had 9 surgical procedures done (4 on the heart). Not that anyone is really clamoring to see me with my shirt off anyway!


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

OP , yes we all have something.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have RBF 
I can’t go around with a smile on my face all the time, look like an idiot. I even had plastic surgery to try and lift the corners of my mouth.

I am also more on the quiet side so people think I am not approachable. Really I am a nice, fun person!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

