# New here and could really use HELP!!!



## glenps3 (Sep 18, 2010)

My wife and i have been married 2 1/2 years, halloween would be our 3rd. We have been together for 6 years alogether, didnt just rush into marriage. We both have our problems, mine being to involed in my hobbies and a very bad porn addiction. Hers is working to much and just never being home. 
So the problems start the first week of june, i go out of own for a event that had been planned out months in advance. When i am on my way back she sends me multiple texts saying she wants a divorce and that she plans to sell the house and move. She had talked to the kids and had already found a new place. WTF was my first thought. She wouldnt answer the phone only texts. I got some clothes from the house and went to a friends house thinking she may need a few days to clear her head. Well 4 days later she wants me to sign seperation papers. Wow that was quick. Come to find out she had found someone else, the true love of her life. There is so much BS and drama that i cant even start to write it all down. 
First thing i do is join a 12 step group for the porn and start seeing a therpist. Both these things have helped me alot and i understand more about myself then ever before. She sent me so many email, texts and voice mails calling me everyhing in the book. Telling me i was a horriable person, a bad father, my step kids didnt love me and i couldnt see them, anything you can hink of she has said. There have also been times where she called me crying and of course i would running to her just to get hurt some more. 
Well 3 weeks ago she calls me crying telling she had a aniexty attack and could no longer control herself. The love of her life wasnt as perfect as she thought. Drug addict and now he is stalking her. She left him and doctors have put her on meds for the aniexty and depression. I see her everyday for the next 5 days till the pills start working. I have taken a step back now and am no sure what to do anymore. She says she needs to figure herself out and needs some space. I love her and want so bad to make things work but i have been dealing with this for 4 months now, her 3 weeks because she had another man to keep her mind off of the seperation. She calls and ask me to do things but it seems more like she just wants a friend. I have asked to go to marriage consuleing but she says shes not ready. I guess my big thing is do i keep giving her space and see were it goes or do i finally say enough is enough? She tells me not to push her but i cant keep getting strung along. What do i do?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

first of all welcome!!! Sorry for your situation! It's hard to say where the relationship with her will go... but do you want to risk being her doormat again when another guy comes into the picture? What if she doesn't stop looking over the fence? 
Personally if it were me I would weigh the actions she took. She didnt even talk to you in person when she left?!?! that's super disrespectful and selfish. If this woman truly loved you then she wouldn't keep you around as her ace in the hold when hand goes sour. 
I think given her actions it would be better to find someone with more respect & love for you. Someone unselfish.
If you decide to stay with this woman then I highly suggest couples therapy. Its possible for the feeling of lost to bring you closer and both being humbled by improving yourselves... but really think about her behaviors towards you and whether or not they were for her own benefits. "Proceed with caution" should be your personal theme. Shes dangerous for your heart darling.
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## glenps3 (Sep 18, 2010)

Just thought i would post a update. We have been spending some time together nothing super special just dinners and going to the mall with the kids. Most of the time it was because i have asked her to go out but a few times she has asked me to come over for a home cooked meal which was very nice. I have spent the night 3 times and really enjoyed it but was hard to not hold her in my arms. We have had no intamite relations just a few hugs here and there. No talks about where we are going she just says she can make me no promises and take it one day at a time. The only thing i have gotten is she randomly sent me a text telling me to adam lamberts "what do you wan from me" and thats where she is righ now. Pretty simple song and for those that dont know here are the lyrics

Hey slow it down whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah i'm afraid whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

There might have been a time when i would give myself away
Oh once upon a time i didn't give a damn
But now here we are so whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Just don't give up i am workin' it out
Please don't give in i won't let you down
It messed me up need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Hey whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Yeah it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with you
It's me i'm a freak yeah
But thanks for lovin' me 'cause you're doing it perfectly

Yeah there might have been a time
When i would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But i think you could save my life

Just don't give up i am workin' it out
Please don't give in i won't let you down
It messed me up need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Hey whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Just don't give up on me
I won't let you down
No i won't let you down

And so just don't give up i'm workin' it out
Please don't give in i won't let you down
It messed me up need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Hey whataya want from me?

Just don't give up i am workin' it out
Please don't give in i won't let you down
It messed me up need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around


Pretty simple right... gives me hope and i hope this is really how she feels. I know that i will not give up hope until its over and papers are signed. Until then i will just hang in there by being there for her and at the same ime giving her space. I will say limbo is one of the hardest things i have ever done. Anyone have any thoughts?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I dont like the half a** commitment. Do or do not there is no try.
My take is, if she is asking what you want from her, well 100% commitment, say for 6 months or some time frame you both can decide on. I thinking, move back in and stop all contact with OP, and see if you guys can reconnect. I say at least try it for the kids.


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## glenps3 (Sep 18, 2010)

Well as far as I know the OP is out of the picture for good. Turns out he wasn't as perfect as she thought. As much as I would love to move back in with my family I don't see that as being a option right now. She dosent want to talk about us and I feel I have to respect that. Right now it seems that we are starting over and working on building a friendship first. Very confusing to me but all I can do is be here for her and try and keep hope alive.
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## glenps3 (Sep 18, 2010)

figured i would post a update. Two days after my last post we had a huge blowup and i let all my feelings out. It seems that she will not let go of the past and all she can do is throw them in my face. She feels that everything she has put me through for the past 5 months is justified by my actions in the past. I understand the pain i have caused her and everyday i try to work on myself. She told me she loves me but right now she dosent want to be with me, she just wants be by herself lost in her own thoughts. I have been reading about the 180 method and last resort method and have been trying to use them. She has contacted me a few times about little things but on thrusday she said she wanted me to come over and hold her. I fell into it i couldnt help it. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart. It felt so good to have her in my arms again. I havent contacted her since then but today is our 3 year anniversey and its killing me. i want so badly to call her but i know i cant do it. I just dont know what to do any more.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is calling all of the shots while you wait on her and hope. It is time to care and love yourself, you don't deserve to be punished by her, no matter what happened in the past. If she wants to work with you and relationship and forgiveness that's one thing. But all that is happening now is that she is punishing and using your desire to be with her. 

I understand you would like to reconcile with her but, under what circumstances? Be strong and make a decision that defines how you expect to be treated. Either she is onboard or not and if she is, you have to decide where the boundaries are. If she does not wish to meet them, then you have to move on. 

I know you are hurting now but there is something good in this. You seemed to have realized how some things you did in this relationship were destructive. When you are ready for your next relationship, you will bring your new found knowledge and skills with you. Best of luck.
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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

glenps3 said:


> figured i would post a update. Two days after my last post we had a huge blowup and i let all my feelings out. It seems that she will not let go of the past and all she can do is throw them in my face. She feels that everything she has put me through for the past 5 months is justified by my actions in the past. I understand the pain i have caused her and everyday i try to work on myself. She told me she loves me but right now she dosent want to be with me, she just wants be by herself lost in her own thoughts. I have been reading about the 180 method and last resort method and have been trying to use them. She has contacted me a few times about little things but on thrusday she said she wanted me to come over and hold her. I fell into it i couldnt help it. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart. It felt so good to have her in my arms again. I havent contacted her since then but today is our 3 year anniversey and its killing me. i want so badly to call her but i know i cant do it. I just dont know what to do any more.


I'm in the exact same position. After a 10 year marriage, my wife is doing the same type of stuff. I haven't totally separated from her yet, but I'm working on it and will muster up the strength to quit trying to change her mind. I will quit trying to kid myself by trying to find something that will make my love for her go away. I will make it a point to work on rebuilding my life without her and if reconciliation takes place, then good. If it doesn't, that's good, too. Stay strong. You're not by yourself.


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## glenps3 (Sep 18, 2010)

I understand were everyone is coming from, I really do. The only time I hear from her is when she has no one else or needs something it seems and I am always there because I love her so much. I have never felt so weak before in my life. No one else has had this much control over me and I guess this is because this is the first time I have truely been in love. She did send me a message saying thanks for being there last week but I can't keep playing this game. Its killing me and that's how I see all of this is just a game to her. I have met a few ladies in the past few weeks and really enjoy their company but at the same time I feel like a scum bag because I still have these strong feelings for my wife. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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