# is it easier to work on a marriage when living apart?



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,

myself and my wife of 7 years are on month 4 of trying to work through the problems. We have major setbacks a lot and both of us consider leaving sometimes.

My questions are:

a) is it easier to work on a marriage when you're living apart? Part of me thinks it may be easier if we lived near each other but in separate places, so we could go to counselling, date, work on it like that, even for 6 months.

b) we have problems with pretty much every aspect of our marriage right now, including sex. Is it better to stop having sex until other aspects are sorted. Is it infact better to sleep in separate bedrooms until at least some of the closeness returns?

Thoughts appreciated.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think it's easier to stay in the house and just be with each other, just set some rules about time spent together. 
set up times to discuss how you feel and how things are going, 1 hour a week, then don't discuss it until the next set up time.
Go out on dates, spend time together with family and friends. 
keep it simple........
give each other space......
it's tough either way but I think it's easier to disconnect if you aren't together.....


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

Sometimes planned separation can work wonders in your marriage. Are you committed to staying with your spouse or are you still deciding if you want to stay in the marriage?

If you're undecided then the article Should You Get A Divorce might help.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

BellaOnlineMarriageEditor said:


> Sometimes planned separation can work wonders in your marriage. Are you committed to staying with your spouse or are you still deciding if you want to stay in the marriage?
> 
> If you're undecided then the article Should You Get A Divorce might help.


It's hard to say whether we are commited. We both want it to work but we're not full of confidence that it will. We say things like "we're trying again" and "we're working on it" but when we get a setback 1 or both of us is back to thinking about taking a break.

Maybe counselling will help with that, we start next week.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How can being apart be better? If you are in the same house, you have all the time she is home, to show her that you are the best option out there. Learn her needs and meet them. Learn what you do that makes her unhappy and NEVER do them again! Pay attention to her without being clingy, show her your strength and confidence. Show her over a LONG period of time that you ARE what she wants, and why she married you in the first place. Woo her. Make her feel good. No matter what she says or does, be consistently charming, smart, good-looking and good-smelling, attentive but not over-eager, and dependable.

You can't do all that - and it IS a lot of work (but your marriage is worth it) - if you only see her a few hours a week.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

I am so sick of my situation, I feel like screaming, or exploding. 

I work on my own life, I try to give her space but if I'm honest with myself, the only reason I am unhappy is because she is.

I say to her "I agree, I am also unhappy" but the fact is, that is just because she is.

What drives me mad is that fact she tells me nothing about what she thinks of me and if I ask her specific questions about that she'll get angry and tell me we need to take this slowly and the problems won't be fixed over night.

"Yes dear I know, I don't mind working on the problems, but first i need to know what they are."

She has problems with me but I can't know what they are, can't talk about them and her solution is to just wait? Carry on?

Can you imagine how frustrating that is.

She says the passion/spark is missing and obviously has started to think we may never have had any in the first place. If she thinks we never had a spark, or she thinks we did but we lost it, it's not going to just magic itself back. She'll need to tell me what specifically annoys her and I am a million percent happy to fix/work on those things.

Right now what she wants is to just tread water and that is creating a pressure cooker inside of me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm finding that separation is just helping her avoid working on her own issues.

On the other hand, the space has given me a lot of time to think about what I might want or need from this marriage.

We've continued to have sex while separated. Our marriage counselor has advised us that any kind of positive experience should be good for us - even if its just physical.

And - last but not least - it is lonely. I thought I would enjoy the time on my own. But when i lay down at night and try to sleep, its hard.

Not sure I've helped - just some things to consider.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Your wife reminds me at my husband right now. We are still in the same house, he sleeps in a different bedroom for almost a month, basically treats the house like a hotel, would not tell me what specifically bothers him which in turn makes me frustrated and unhappy. We have not started counselling because I can't even talk to him. Read my thread on the Men's Clubhouse forum : What to do? Need men's opinion

I totally understand the feeling of the pressure cooker. I am trying to keep my cool but it is tough.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She may not know yet exactly what to say, or she may fear your reaction. It's clear you are angry, just in the way you write, and it might help if you began to accept you may be the impediment to her full disclosure. "May," not "Are." Just think about that and adapt to it. If you are impulsive and or you get angry but try to hide it, or use sarcasm (as in your examples), then she may not feel safe enough to disclose things to you. Just a suggestion. Good luck.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

niceguy, I agree with the lonely bit, we did spend 1 week apart and it made me feel worse, obviously don't know what she thought of it as she "doesn't know".

notreadytoquit, I read your story, I actually posted there before saying I related. It took me weeks to get my wife to admit there was even a problem, and when she did I had drag out with her that it was with our relationship! So same boat as you. She has this amazing ability to talk about the relationship without actually tell me anything, like answering questions with questions.

sisters359, I definitely think she is scared to tell me and I will bear what you have said in mind. 
I told her to pick someone she knows to confide in, that I don't mind if she tells someone about our problems. I asked her to pick someone and just tell them everything. I thought that might help but no.
I wasn't angry at the start, I really believe I handled it well at the start, but that was 3 months ago! There is only so much space I can give before I want some honest answers. I told her I can take anything she wants to say, don't be afraid, I won't get angry, we'll handle it together etc etc. And nothing.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

The other possibility is that the problem is with her life.

She has few friends (since we moved a year ago), no job and almost no activities that get her out the house, make her excited, make her fullfilled with her day.

Her life for years has revolved around our son and I. 

Maybe she's just bored with her life in general and highlighted the passion / spark because that is the only thing that would ever bring joy to her right now.

If she had a life going on of her own, maybe that stuff would be much less of an issue.

Does that sound plausible?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

It could be. In a way in your description I see myself. I left my career to move(from another country to the US) so my husband can pursue his career. He knows I am not too happy with where we live(people are just plain weird, just like the movie The Steford wives) so I don't have too many friends and I am all day at home with a child. I know that I could/should try to do better on that plan but that is not a reason for him to sleep in another bedroom and not tell me what is bothering him and act weird all around. I think in a normal marriage/relationship where there is complete trust and transparency, there is no topic two spouses cannot discuss. Neither is perfect nor should strive to be better


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I get where your wife is coming from...but she still needs to start communicating with you. However, she may not be able to put into words what she wants/needs from the relationship...just that what has happened in the past did not work for her.

You cannot "fix" this problem...I know that you are male and that is just part of your nature, but she needs your compassion and support...more than a "fix it" mentality.

Another point...have the discussions about your marriage/life in the past (and I'm talking ALL the way since the beginning) been constructive and resolved for both of you? It is just that...us women have a tendency to give, and give, and give...denying what we want out of life...until we have nothing left to give. It may explain her inability to communicate, and it may be a reason why she will not open up to you. She may not trust that you will REALLY hear her heart (not just her words) and support and change your behavior. We have a very good memory for emotional neglect/hurt.

Again...I don't know your past together. This is just what is going on with me and my husband. It has been VERY hard to trust him enough to open my heart and truly communicate my hurt with him. I've given him the gist of what he's done...enough for him to know, but the honest/deep hurt that his words/miscommunication/disrespect/lack of support have generated over the years...that will take much longer to heal...and I don't trust him enough to be vulnerable about those areas.

It does take time...be patient. Do not expect change overnight...support her, love on her, and work on yourself. I am sure you have some part in this too...there are always two sides to every story.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Ask her to fill it out. No pressure, no face to face, just filling out what she thinks. Take that information, and work really hard to make sure you NEVER do those things that she lists any more. Love Busters slowly eat away at love. Things like forgetting to put the toilet seat down may seem petty, but if it really irritates your wife, over time it makes her think 'unhappy' when she thinks of you. I have a towel hamper in our bathroom that I want only the towels, socks, etc. to go into - not clothes that need to be washed and dried a certain way. THAT hamper is right around the corner in the wall unit. We've had this discussion a good dozen times, yet he STILL throws his dress clothes in with the wet towels. He KNOWS it's important to me to separate them; but it's not important enough to HIM to please me, to remember not to do it. So, every time I pull out a wet shirt or slacks, it makes me lose love for him because _I_ feel ignored. That's an LB that I would list.

So, see what she says on that questionnaire; it's a great guideline for making changes.

Then, once you've gotten those habits under control, ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire, so you'll know how to make her happy.

If you do these two things, the atmosphere in your home should improve.

I do agree that she needs to get out more and get a life. How often do you take the kids off her hands? You'd better be doing that at LEAST once a week!

Also, have you considered that she may have connected to someone online? As in, a guy? Maybe an old male friend, who is becoming the person she confides in and feels closer to? This could be causing the way she is, too.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks for the replies, I will be reading and rereading all of it.

turnera, I am pretty savvy to the surveillance techniques, and she doesn't go out much so keeping tabs is reasonably easy.

She did connect with someone online over a period of about a month. Nothing very flirty from the chats but there were calls too, usually very short ones of like a minute (strange?). Some days several of them.

I confronted her with it and she was devastated. I didn't talk to her for days, I almost left. She said she had stopped it weeks before and told him to leave her alone, she showed me the chats that proved that.

She swears they never met but frankly the trust has gone for me. I am trying to ignore the trust issue for now as I know we can get that back over time if we sort out what is making her unhappy.

I told her if she ever talked to a guy on the phone behind my back again I would ask her to leave immediately and I really meant it. I also said if I found out they did meet that I would ask her to leave as it would be another lie. She still insisted they didn't after me asking 1000 times, so I left it at that.

I am continuing to keep tabs on her in this respect.

The funny thing is, he probably got the truth about our relationship. Some random guy I don't know knows more about what my wife thinks of me than I do. 

What a life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I want to mention that telling her that if you find out she cheated she's out the door immediately, and THEN asking her 1000 times if she cheated is like telling the 4 year old if he stole a cookie he'll never get another one and, by the way, did he steal a cookie? 

What did you expect her to say?

That said, there's every possibility she was just skirting around the issue of flirting, cos it makes us feel good to have someone flirt with us. And you probably stopped flirting with her a long time ago. You probably also stopped caring about Love Busting her, and about meeting her Emotional Needs. So...a little flirting probably felt good.

What I'm trying to say is, you see a lot of bad in what SHE is doing, but you are not putting a lot of effort (yet) into what YOU are doing. Not much incentive there for her to come clean.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Ok, I am going on the defensive slightly here, bear with me:

"I want to mention that telling her that if you find out she cheated she's out the door immediately, and THEN asking her 1000 times if she cheated is like telling the 4 year old if he stole a cookie he'll never get another one and, by the way, did he steal a cookie?"

I told her if she told me now then I was prepared to stay and work it out. I said if I found out later via some other means that she still hadn't come clean, I would leave.

Perfectly reasonable I think, I simply asked for the truth now and if I found out later she still hadn't told me it, I was prepared to walk. I had thought about this and I still believe it was fair. She maintained that they had never met and at the moment I have no reason to believe this is not truth.

You are right that I have not done anything to help her with her needs. The reason for that is she hasn't and won't tell me what they are. She insists she doesn't know what they are, so how am I supposed to know.

I am 1 million % here and ready to help her in every way possible, as soon as she opens up and communicates with me, I will be all over it and completely at her service. And while I wait and hope that she will open up and figure out what it is that will make her happy, I sit quietly and try not to burst into flames.

First counselling session tomorrow night, I am praying she will talk about her issues.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Good luck to both of you. I did get some of my answers last night and I am very devastated(see my post in the men's clubhouse). 

I have a list of over 250 marriage counsellors in a 50 mi radius to us. How did you find your marriage counsellor?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> You are right that I have not done anything to help her with her needs. The reason for that is she hasn't and won't tell me what they are. She insists she doesn't know what they are, so how am I supposed to know.


Didn't I just _give_ you concrete steps to take, to LEARN what her needs are? Print out the questionnaires, and ask her to fill them out.

You say you'll do anything.

Have you done this yet? It doesn't even cost anything.


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## mocon (Feb 16, 2010)

I'll tell you, based on what you've got in this thread, you have every right to feel angry and frustrated. I cannot believe some of the advice in here encouraging you to bend over backwards and do whatever it takes to make her happy. Let's find out what the issues are first, before anyone goes overboard either way. And then your last post about her chatting with some stranger is beyond belief. My advice to you would be to get to marriage counseling as soon as possible. If she pushes back (which sounds likely) you've got the moral high ground of her talking to strangers to use as leverage, which I imagine will be very difficult for her to refute based on how you said she reacted. In my opinion, you are doing everything a concerned spouse can do, and asking for some basic communication to begin to resolve the problems that are clearly present is the least she can do, if she cares at all about this marriage. You have my support and good luck.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Turnera - I honestly have tried. I talked to her about this form last night but she refused to fill it out. I said "ok, can you just list the things that I do to annoy you, anything at all, I promise I will not get angry and I'll work on them". She says the only thing she wants me to do right now is to stop talking about our relationship. Then she said getting married was the biggest mistake of her life. Ouch.

mocon - thanks for that. I agree but what else can I do, I have to try with her or it's over. I have to decide when enough is enough, I think I have it in me to go a few more rounds.

She said she will go to the counselling tonight. "not looking forward to that at all but you asked me so I have to go". Dunno what that means but she's going.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What she is saying is VERY typical of someone in an affair.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

That wouldn't even suprise me.

She hardly ever leaves the house though so I don't think it's physical.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you checking phone records and internet use?


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

yes I have a good grip on that, very clean.

I really don't think there is anything currently going on with anyone at the moment, not to say it hasn't in the past.

I really hope this counselling tonight is good, I am kind of pinning all my hopes on it being productive.


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