# It's always all about her



## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi all, this is my first post here, so please be gentle.  

Anyway, my wife and I will have been married for 3 years in Feb. Until last year we were blissfully happy. I don't think we even had a single row all the time we were dating and in the first two years of marriage. But this last year things have been sliding - basically, after we moved cities for my job.

My wife hates her new job here, and has had difficulty making friends since moving here. I totally understand and accept this, and feel awful about it - since it's for my career that we uprooted ourselves from our old setup. And I try to be as supportive, caring, helpful and patient as I can when she has her rants and venting sessions (almost every day).

The thing is, I don't think she realises just the level of stress I have in my life at the moment too. Work at my day job is constantly busy, and I have deadlines at least every other week that have to be met no matter what. On top of that I'm trying to complete a PhD in my spare time (done part-time, which means evenings and weekends) which is an enormous drain on my mental resources. (Sounds precious I know, but you try coming home from a 10 hour day at work and then spending another three or four hours reading law articles...) Couple that with the pressure of being the main earner, as well as trying to be a good husband helping with housework, etc...

So actually, while I know she's having a difficult time of it, I need her to realise that life is no picnic for me either and I can't spend the whole time worrying about her happiness - I'm taxed enough as it is. Coming home from a difficult day to be confronted by her venting about HER difficult day without any kind of awareness that I might be having a hard time of it as well... It's getting to the stage where I'm starting to resent her for being selfish. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Our dinner table conversation is always about her and her problems. Once in a while, it would be nice for it to be about mine. Or, you know, just something positive and cheerful for a change!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have tried talking to her about it, but it hasn't made much difference. How do I put it diplomatically that I need some support once in a while too?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

At one point in my life, I had the same problem.

You can either try to shut her complaints down, which won't help, or try to explain to her the issues you are having, too.

If she stops and listens to your problems, do the same for her. If she doesn't listen to yours, calmly say "I tried to discuss my issues and you didn't want to talk about them, I'd rather not talk about yours." It's not that you don't want to talk about them, you just want a level playing field.

There probably isn't any solution to either of your problems, but allowing someone to vent helps, as long as it goes both ways.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You have a valid complaint.
No way do I think working on a phd part-time is "precious." many people devote their full time to it, because it is so taxing.

Unfortunately, you may be sending your wife the message that you're ok with this status quo.
--as exhausted as you are, perhaps you see it as more trouble than it's worth to interrupt her stream to try to get her to see into your world.
So to stay sane, you may be conveying tacit acceptance. And your needs are overlooked.

That's not to "blame" you, but it does point the way to changing things and even-ing the playing field.
I think CT gave you a good suggestion above.

Also, what would happen if you simply did interrupt her stream next time she rants, with a: "I'm sorry you had such a tough day. I did too. I'd like to tell you about it."
Or bring it up on one of your leisure days with each other?
You said you've tried talking with her about it to no avail--what was the problem?
Did she just outright dismiss your feelings once you brought it up? If so, that's the deeper issue here.

Funny, my H and I had a similar issue yesterday--I needed to "vent" about something he just doesn't GET, and I'm only now surmising what his side of the story may be.
---but because he doesn't vent his side, I have no way of knowing it without some mind-reading.
If he'd just say "honey, I hear you but I can't give you the sympathy you seek because I too am stressed that I don't have a job right now! So go write your d*** thesis and get back into the job market already!" (perhaps more gently)
but his tendency to stifle his own awareness of his own emotional needs, and to minimize the validity of "emotional needs" prevents him from sharing this.
If my H told me "honey I need to vent my stress," I'd jump at the chance to be there for him.

I'm only sharing that to reinforce how important it is to know your own needs and let them be known.
It sounds like you do, and I hope these replies help you find a way to make them known and important to your wife too.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Your story is similar to mine. I moved with my H for his job and i fought with him constantly about how terrible it was for me. I was completely ignorant of his struggles. I felt my H caused my problems by uprooting me and so he needed to fix them. That mindset can be exacerbated if the spouse also feels they need to fix things. It did not occur to me until a few years later what he was going through because he never talked. It also did not occur to me that I complained a lot until he told me that it was starting to really bother him. I remember on the phone he starting getting agitated and it dawned on me that I was projecting all this negative energy constantly. I have since stopped complaining so much and i think my H is better and letting me know when its bothering him.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

boutrosboutros said:


> I totally understand and accept this, and feel awful about it - since it's for my career that we uprooted ourselves from our old setup.


Did you and your wife agree this was the best next step in your marriage? If so, you HAVE to let go of the guilt. That is probably what's putting you in this position. You made the move - together - time to move past that. 

Have you considered telling her exactly what you posted here? Confess your frustration that your needs seem unimportant? Maybe you could agree to take turns with your venting sessions. (Time limits maybe? Could turn out to be fun.)

There are few powers greater than a woman realizing her man needs her help and support. Be open & honest about your stressors and needs and I'm certain this selfish behavior could convert to supportive behavior.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> Hi all, this is my first post here, so please be gentle.
> 
> 
> So actually, while I know she's having a difficult time of it, I need her to realise that life is no picnic for me either and I can't spend the whole time worrying about her happiness - I'm taxed enough as it is. Coming home from a difficult day to be confronted by her venting about HER difficult day without any kind of awareness that I might be having a hard time of it as well... It's getting to the stage where I'm starting to resent her for being selfish. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Our dinner table conversation is always about her and her problems. Once in a while, it would be nice for it to be about mine. Or, you know, just something positive and cheerful for a change!
> ...


You are the man. It it unattractive for you to vent your frustrations and pressures of taking care of manly responsibilities to your wife. On the flip side, you will win her heart by validating her frustrations and emotions. Your wife needs and wants you to be a man, not a woman. Be careful with the fact that your wife, in a new city, and unhappy with her job will feel you are putting yourself first and neglecting her by going to school part time. This is a recipe for resentment to build up on her part.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks, all. That's really helpful. Three things especially - 

a) Letting go of the guilt, as it _was_ a joint decision to move.
b) Tacit acceptance on my part, in the form of just not wanting the stress of a confrontation. Not good.
c) A little bit more honesty on my part is needed.

We'll see. 

*Hicks*, to address your comment specifically, I totally take on board the whole thing about "being a man, not a woman", and while I'm old-fashioned enough to feel a little resentful at your implicit questioning of my masculinity, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a miscommunication on my part... What I'm asking for from my wife is not to listen to me whine all day every day. It's just to be given my own space from her problems and the occasional show of support/awareness that I'm working really, really hard. That's all.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Hicks said:


> You are the man. It it unattractive for you to vent your frustrations and pressures of taking care of manly responsibilities to your wife. On the flip side, you will win her heart by validating her frustrations and emotions. Your wife needs and wants you to be a man, not a woman. Be careful with the fact that your wife, in a new city, and unhappy with her job will feel you are putting yourself first and neglecting her by going to school part time. This is a recipe for resentment to build up on her part.


:lol:

A man should not vent about his problems to his WIFE? Who else should he vent them to then? Psst! Guess what?
Men have feelings and frustrations too! It certainly doesn't make them less masculine, it just makes them human. How is going to school part time "neglecting" his wife? She's a grown woman; he cannot drop everything and hold her hand. Maybe she needs to realize that marriage is about give and take, not constant one sided griping.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

boutrosboutros said:


> Thanks, all. That's really helpful. Three things especially -
> 
> 
> *Hicks*, to address your comment specifically, I totally take on board the whole thing about "being a man, not a woman", and while I'm old-fashioned enough to feel a little resentful at your implicit questioning of my masculinity, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a miscommunication on my part... What I'm asking for from my wife is not to listen to me whine all day every day. It's just to be given my own space from her problems and the occasional show of support/awareness that I'm working really, really hard. That's all.


Sorry, don't mean to offend. Your wife does not support your hard work becuase she probably feels you are putting yourself first. I dont' question your masculinity... I have myself fallen into the trap of wondering why my w does not approve of all my hard work (and come to realize that I was putting myself first). I also don't think you shoujld let your wife go "on and on" with negativity withoug tiving her a reality check about her part in the decisoin to move.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Both of you moved because of you, now she is unhappy in this new city, maybe your guilt is making you feel worse when she is complaining about her problems. 

It will be great to come home to a happy wife, but while she is struggling with hers, she just can't, you might have to be understanding here. You need someone to vent too, don't know if she lets you vent about your situation. Will it be a good idea to have a 50/50 share of venting? Will this make both of you become more supportive of each other? I know some women like to hear other people's miseries, don't know for sure if they like to hear their husbands'. But letting her know you are stressed will win her support! 

Anyway, when we are bothered by life or people, it means we care too much, we let small things bother us. As long as our life is not health threatening, job threatening, love threateningly, we should feel we are blessed. Letting small things bother us is only causing us unnecessary misery!


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

My SO and I have run into similar problems, as we both have stressful, hectic schedules. While it's temping to _want_ to vent and feel "worthy" of venting, we've found that it doesn't really help us all that much. As in, I'll come home and whine that I had a bad day at work and got yelled at by a rude customer...Then he'll chime in and say that he's stressed because he had a midterm or skipped lunch to run errands...Then we'll both get mad because the other one just wants to whine instead of supporting us, when in fact both of us are just looking to be selfish and getting irritated when we don't get our way. It just doesn't work.

I know it sounds harsh, but the title of your thread makes me feel like both you and your wife are being selfish. You say "it's always all about her," when in fact that's not true; it was about you when you moved. And it was your job from which these problems sprung--no, this doesn't mean that it's your fault at all, but it does mean that the problem resides with _both_ of you. Again, this might sound harsh, but no one "deserves" to wallow in self pity after a stressful day and thrust that stress onto their spouse. This means that you shouldn't be venting or complaining to your wife, even if you might feel the desire to, because it will just create more problems...Obviously she shouldn't be doing this to you either. But the fact that she does, doesn't give you an automatic right to do the same thing. Once you realize this, and realize that you can't both always demand support from the other one, you'll be better able to be proactive and positive.

My suggestion would be to cut out all of the whining! And do it in a positive, caring, proactive way. Plan something fun to do with your wife in the evenings; if you're both exhausted, then spend an hour giving each other massages. Read a funny article before dinner so that you have something exciting to talk about at the dinner table. Go for a walk, exercise together, play with your pets together if you have any pets, go outside and build a snowman.

Don't approach your wife with "I'm sick and tired of your kvetching, woman! Now, entertain me" (unless said in jest and she appreciates your humor). But rather say, "I feel like we've both been overly stressed at work, but I would like to plan something fun for us to do together to reconnect." Take initiative and plan a fun activity...Don't always say "well I don't know, what do you want to do?" Women find initiative and action attractive. We find whining and asking for "support" unattractive. If you take initiative and act positive (even if you have to fake it), then she will be more receptive to reciprocating and giving you support. 

Anyway, you seem like a hardworking guy and someone who really wants to improve his marriage. I hope that this helps you at least a little bit. Best of luck!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I have a daughter who is mentally ill. I'm having to learn how to validate her feelings, while holding on to my boundaries and allowing her to take responsibility for her life. It's HARD to do. However, for my own sanity I must do it. I'm reading a book called "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. Not only is it helping me with my daughter, it's helping me with EVERYONE in my life. I doubt you have time to read anything else with all you've got going on right now, but it's worth a look. Sometimes someone just wants to be HEARD. Not fixed...heard.
It's up to her to find new friends, find an outlet, find *something* to do with herself while you're trying to get that PhD. That's what a mature individual would do. And as much as you have the "right" to be heard, so does she. Makes me wonder if you're REALLY listening when she starts her tangent or if you're thinking about how you're going to respond. I can understand your frustration...but I don't think it would hurt to sit down (take her out to dinner like someone else suggested) and talk to her about YOUR feelings as well. If she interrupts, tell her you'll be happy to hear her out, but could she PLEASE just let you get this stuff off your chest? Wanting to say something when she's in the throes of "poor me I had a bad day" might not be the best time to say something. 
FWIW, I don't find my SO needing my support "unattractive". Not all women feel that way. Just so you'll know.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

major misfit said:


> FWIW, I don't find my SO needing my support "unattractive". Not all women feel that way. Just so you'll know.


Good point! I realize I might have phrased my thoughts wrong. I don't think it's unattractive to _need_ support once in a while; it happens to all of us and it's important in a loving relationship.

However, I _do_ think it's unattractive to _whine_ that you're not getting support. Whining, to me at least, is one of the most unattractive things a man can do. Think of how annoying it is when a bratty child whines, or when a catty woman whines...Then multiply that by 20 for a grown man. It's tempting to whine, we all want to, we all love feeling like victims once in a while...But as adults we should try out best to avoid it.

I'm not accusing the OP of whining for the record, just cautioning him I guess lol


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