# Engaged but having doubts! HELP!



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

So, I have been in a relationship with this woman for 4 ½ years, engaged for ½ year, but still have serious doubts about whether she is the one. I had a horribly mentally tormenting time, trying to decide whether to propose to her or not, and once I did I was relieved and happy with the decision. 

Now the doubts are starting to creep back in and I feel too embarrassed to talk to anybody close with me about it. I find myself resentful of all the things she’s done to me in the past, despite myself forgiving her and doing my best to move on. I look at those things, as times when I should have ended the relationship but instead I pushed on. 

She is a very attractive woman but our sex-life is non-existent and has been for a year. I know it won’t be any better once we are married, but I don’t know how to tell her that. I often find myself desiring other woman and looking for ways to get attention from other woman when I am away from my fiancée. I have never cheated on her but the lack of passion in our relationship is killer. I still feel like I love her, and she is usually great to me (of course we have fights, and I get upset when she nags me, but that is normal in any relationship, right!). This is why we have stayed the course for 4 ½ years. 

I really do look forward to our future together and there are legitimate things in our future that make me happy and I get excited about, but also things that cause concern. We had a break-up for a month about a year ago and it was devastating to me. I had been having doubts about our relationship then and I told her, so she broke up with me. As soon as I felt I could find my footing, she came begging for me back. I could not resist and took her back. 

I would feel like a failure to break off the engagement and crush her dreams, I just don’t know how I could live with myself. We have been through so much together and have had so many happy times together and been through so many trials together. But, I have so much doubt about our relationship. Is this normal before marriage? 

 Help! What should I do?!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You haven't mentioned exactly what things she's done to cause the resentment you speak of.

The only advice I can give you is about what you've mentioned directly.

If you aren't satisfied with the frequency & or quality of your sex life with this woman it's only going to get worse after you marry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Only you can decide what you want to do. However your relationship is now, it will be just like that when you are married. Are you happy?

Doubts are there for a reason. I would take a guess it is unresolved issues. You can move on in time from an incident, but if you haven't resolved it within yourself, it will always be there. Don't go into a marriage feeling like this.

I would consider pre-marital counselling before going any further to make sure you are making the right decision.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life, that I had to give her all my passwords, that when we were separated she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her, threatened to get me in trouble with the police. I resent the fact, that I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend, that she never supports me in my hobbies, that she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities, that she doesn't support my religion, that she wants to have control of the money, that she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things, that she is so material, when I really am not a material person.

I even resent the fact that she wants to have sex with me when I have asked her repeatedly and said I want to wait until marriage. I almost use this as an excuse because I have no sexual desire for her. I just want to have that desire to have sex with her, and that clearly is not there. This is very bothersome to me.

I know this seems harsh but over 4 1/2 years I have come to resent a lot and I still asked her to marry me. Most of this stuff happened early in our relationship, years ago, and i didn't know how to react since it was my first serious relationship. I do believe she is a changed person, and she has come a long way in proving that to me, but it is a lot to erase my fears and doubts.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> I would consider pre-marital counselling before going any further to make sure you are making the right decision.


Thank you for your input and actually I am doing pre-martial counseling in June, and July, but I just feel like that is so close to the wedding (August)! I just wish I could have started pre-marital counseling in February, lol.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I would say that's a lot of resentment. The thing that stuck out to me the most was that you do not desire her. This is a big issue.

I would not be going into marriage feeling like this. it's not going to go away on it's own.

I would postpone the wedding and begin counselling.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dude!
If you don't desire her now, forget it! Your list of resentments and complaints is filled with MAJOR issues. Do not get married to this woman. Married life is hard enough. Don't start off with so many problems.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You should be looking forward with anticipation to your life together with this woman. Your gut is screaming at you to run away. Listen to it.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

joyodo said:


> I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life, that I had to give her all my passwords, that when we were separated she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her, threatened to get me in trouble with the police. I resent the fact, that I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend, that she never supports me in my hobbies, that she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities, that she doesn't support my religion, that she wants to have control of the money, that she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things, that she is so material, when I really am not a material person.


All I can say is, WOW. Go ahead an marry her so you don't "crush her dreams." Your post appears to indicate just what some of her "dreams" may be. I guarantee you this: you marry this woman, and you'll be back here posting within a year about how miserable and trapped you feel.

With the resentment you hold towards your fiance, and the demands she is making of you (which you find unreasonable), I'd say you have a recipe for disaster right now.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You have not described a single thing that would give this marriage even the smallest chance of succeeding. I can't even imagine why you would consider going through with it. :scratchhead:


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

norajane said:


> You have not described a single thing that would give this marriage even the smallest chance of succeeding. I can't even imagine why you would consider going through with it. :scratchhead:


Because I have no idea what I am doing, and have not had any real productive conversations with any body about it! And this is what scares me. Marriage is a risk, right?

But I will say this...

There are so many things that I love about her. I love the way she answers the door to greet me, I love making her laugh, I love the way she makes me laugh, I love her sense of humor, I love her playful side, I love spending time with her (most of the time), I love cuddling and holding her, I love taking her new places and love introducing her to people and the list goes on. I know that is really, really, really sucks that the sex isn't really there, but from what I can gather, that is kind of normal after 4 1/2 years in a relationship. I mean it was great the first 2 years, and then we had to kind of learn to love each other, without the passion. I mean I have a huge desire for passion, and so does she, but realistically I guess it always burns out (is that right?).

This is why it is so incredibly hard for me to walk away, despite some of the gut feelings that I get and doubts that I have.

I appreciate the feedback by the way, keep it coming and thank you!


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I'm a little confused about your post above where you said you wanted to wait until you were married to have sex? But then you say that sex was great for the first two years?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's not the one. 

If you have to talk yourself into proposing, she's not the one.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What you're feeling does not seem "normal". Your list of resentments is huge, and I wouldn't bet a chocolate easter bunny that you'll be able to overcome them.

Stopping things now is the kind thing to do. If you think it's going to crush her dreams now, wait till you do it a year or two into the marriage. It's going to be that much harder, unless it gets to the point that you both hate each other and can't wait to be split up.

At the very least, postpone the wedding till next summer, go through the counseling, and see if you can resolve anything.

C


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You'd be crazy to enter a marriage with that mindset. Divorce is written all over your posts already.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

:iagree: with others... no point going ahead if your resentment quota is already close to being full. 

You mentioned that she threatened you couple of times, are you trying to avoid calling this off because you think she might get aggressive and won't take it well and create a mess for you? Just wondering....

Also, as Gratitude points I too am confused about the logistics of your sex life based on what you mention in your posts... However irrespective of that, doesn't seem like a good idea to go ahead with the marriage.

1. She is a very attractive woman but our sex-life is non-existent and has been for a year.

2. I even resent the fact that she wants to have sex with me when I have asked her repeatedly and said *I want to wait until marriage*. I almost use this as an excuse because I have no sexual desire for her.

3. I know that is really, really, really sucks that the sex isn't really there, but from what I can gather, that is kind of normal after 4 1/2 years in a relationship. I mean it was *great the first 2 years*, and then we had to kind of learn to love each other, without the passion. I mean I have a huge desire for passion, and so does she, but realistically I guess it always burns out (is that right?).


----------



## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

Although, there are conflicting info in your post, Certain key issues are clear. You do not have true love for this lady.If before your marriage you are already seeking the attention of other ladies , the truth is that the situation is likely to worsen after marriage.I would advise you do not toy further with your partner's emotion by accepting to marry her on sympathy grounds despite all the glaring negative signals like lack of sustained passion for one another,your personal doubts about the success of the relationship e.t.c. Please free yourself and indeed this lady from future agony which is as sure as happening.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

Ok, let me try to clear this up....

Yes, our sex-life is non-existent and has been non-existent for a year now. 

I told her I want to wait until marriage because I became a Christian and I know that I can no longer go on with this behavior until we are married. Also, I would like to respect her parents wishes and my parents wishes and abstain from having sex with her until we are married.

That being said, I DESIRE to HAVE a DESIRE for sex with her, BUT I do NOT desire to have sex with her. I am turned off every time she touches me sexually. I feel like I cannot marry someone that I resent sexually.

We had plenty of sex during the first few years of our courtship. After I said that I wanted to wait until marriage she was not cool with that, so I caved and we had sex anyways. It got progressively worse. I almost felt like I was forced into it. It was something that she wanted, but I did not. I came to resent her for it. 

Now this is where we are. No sex. And it is easy for me to resist having sex with her because I hate having sex with her. I feel I would rather have sex with any other woman. How can I enter marriage with this mindset? This is a huge doubt for me.

I want to be with a woman that I have a sexual desire for.

I don't know, what are your thoughts? Am I just struggling with lust for other women, or is this a legit problem?

Again, thanks for your feedback!


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

joyodo said:


> I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life, that I had to give her all my passwords, that when we were separated she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her, threatened to get me in trouble with the police. I resent the fact, that I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend, that she never supports me in my hobbies, that she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities, that she doesn't support my religion, that she wants to have control of the money, that she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things, that she is so material, when I really am not a material person.
> 
> I even resent the fact that she wants to have sex with me when I have asked her repeatedly and said I want to wait until marriage. I almost use this as an excuse because I have no sexual desire for her. I just want to have that desire to have sex with her, and that clearly is not there. This is very bothersome to me.
> 
> I know this seems harsh but over 4 1/2 years I have come to resent a lot and I still asked her to marry me. Most of this stuff happened early in our relationship, years ago, and i didn't know how to react since it was my first serious relationship. I do believe she is a changed person, and she has come a long way in proving that to me, but it is a lot to erase my fears and doubts.


Wow!! It sounds like she doesn't accept you for what you are and she doesn't put up with a lot of things about you!
Marriage should not even be an option with this woman!!


----------



## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

It may not seem pleasant , but with the reality on ground, in your interest and that of your partner in this case,I would advise you forget about getting married to each other.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

RED FLAGS:
* 4 ½ years, engaged for ½ year, but still have serious doubts
* had a horribly mentally tormenting time, trying to decide whether to propose to her or not
* Now the doubts are starting to creep back in 
* I find myself resentful of all the things she’s done to me in the past
* I look at those things, as times when I should have ended the relationship but instead I pushed on 
* our sex-life is non-existent and has been for a year
* I don’t know how to tell her that
* I often find myself desiring other woman and looking for ways to get attention from other woman
* the lack of passion in our relationship is killer
* things that cause concern (now)
* I had been having doubts about our relationship then (1 yr ago)
* she came begging for me back. I could not resist 
* I would feel like a failure to break off the engagement and crush her dreams
* I have so much doubt about our relationship
* I resent the fact that I had to cut some of my best friends out of my life
* I had to give her all my passwords
* she threatened calling my family to tell them all the ways I had wronged her
* threatened to get me in trouble with the police
* I had to delete all pics I had with a deceased close female friend
* she never supports me in my hobbies
* she wants me to quit my job at the pinnacle of my professional career to change cities
* she doesn't support my religion
* she wants to have control of the money
* she wants me to work extra hours to give her nicer things
* she is so material, when I really am not a material person.
* she wants to have sex with me when I have asked her repeatedly and said I want to wait until marriage
* I have no sexual desire for her. I just want to have that desire to have sex with her, and that clearly is not there
* over 4 1/2 years I have come to resent a lot and I still asked her to marry me

THAT is an awfully long list of unhappiness for a guy who isn't even married to her yet....and doesn't have to marry her if he doesn't want to!

YOUR FIANCEE'S ISSUES tend toward her being a controlling person:
* the friends you had to give up, were they engaged in illegal activities? were they blatantly rude/disrespectful to her? WHY did you have to give them up (knowing WHY would help us give better advice)
* why did she want all your passwords? Have you cheated on her in the past (EA or PA)?
* threatening to call your family and/or police? What specifically did you do that would warrant family/police intervention?
* removal of a DEAD woman's pictures would indicate she has a jealous personality
* doesn't support your hobbies; do you support hers?
* wants to move to another city; WHY? Does she have job prospects there? Is it just because it would be 'fun' to live there? (need more info, please)
* doesn't support your religion
* is materialistic: SHE wants to control the money, wants YOU to work more hours, wants YOU to buy her nicer things; Does SHE contribute financially? To what degree?

YOUR ISSUES tend to run towards ambivalence:
* didn't know whether to propose or not after 4 YEARS
* are still resentful over past wrongs; are you afraid the behavior will continue/resurface? Are you unable to converse about these past wrongs and deal with them together?
* your sex life: YOU want to wait until marriage to re-engage sexually in deference to yours, your parents', and her parents' religious beliefs, but then you turn around and blame her for the lack of sex over the last year.
* You WANT to have desire for her, but don't. You also have desire for other women to find you attractive. Is it because you do not find her sexually attractive (and you find other women sexually attractive) OR is it because you're afraid to LET yourself be sexually attracted to her because then you'll start having sex again before marriage and feel guilty?
* You took her back after your break-up a year ago because SHE begged (NOT because YOU felt it was the correct decision)
* You don't want to call off the wedding (although YOU feel unprepared with only 2 months of pre-MC happening just the month before the wedding) because SHE will be crushed

The few things you list about LOVING HER are nice (although the door-answering thing, I don't get...unless she's naked and wrapped in Saran Wrap), but not indicative of deep love, understanding, commitment, or devotion. You like laughing and having a good time with her. Cuddling with her. Showing her off to new people. Not really DEEP stuff from what I'm seeing.

I think you KNOW that marrying this woman is a BIG MISTAKE. I think you know you won't be happy in the long-run. I think you're trying to avoid the short-term misery that is going to come from cancelling a wedding at the last minute, putting up with her anger at embarrassing her like this, and dealing with the fall-out from her and both families.

You need to think LONG-TERM. You are not doing HER any favors by marrying her when you feel like this. It would be KINDER to end it now, than in a year, or two, or ten. You are not doing YOURSELF any favors by marrying her. YES, it will be ugly. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. But not nearly as uncomfortable as it will be after 5 years of marriage, much more resentment, possibly children involved in the mess (and a lifetime of interaction with your ex because she is the mother of your children), financial entanglements, etc.

You've spent 4.5 years in an unsuccessful relationship and don't want to feel like the time was 'wasted.' But spending 5 years in this relationship is NOT going to make it successful. You're wasting time for both you AND your fiancee (she might not realize/appreciate it NOW, but she will in the future.)


----------



## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

joyodo said:


> ...I would like to respect her parents wishes and my parents wishes and abstain from having sex with her until we are married....


May I ask how old you and your fiancee are?




joyodo said:


> ...I am turned off every time she touches me sexually. I feel like I cannot marry someone that I resent sexually...
> 
> ...And it is easy for me to resist having sex with her because *I hate having sex with her. I feel I would rather have sex with any other woman.* How can I enter marriage with this mindset? This is a huge doubt for me.
> 
> ...


Without a doubt, it is a "_legit_" problem. Besides the mountain of issues and complaints you have with your relationship and fiancee, you "_hate having sex with her_." I wouldn't even date someone if I didn't desire him sexually. Marriages are tough enough even under the best of circumstances where people connect well. I hate to say this but your relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster on all fronts. You think it's bad now? It'll be be thousand times worse with marriage. You should do yourselves a favor and end the engagement before it becomes even more painful. Take care.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

joyodo said:


> Ok, let me try to clear this up....
> 
> Yes, our sex-life is non-existent and has been non-existent for a year now.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I think you killed your sex drive and your relationship when you decided out of the blue to "become a Christian" and stop having the great sex you had been having to that point.

I'm sure she wondered if you were cheating on her, if you had lost desire for her, and that created issues, fears and resentments on her part. Not to mention you changed the rules of your relationship and WHO YOU ARE. Finding religion and changing something so important about yourself to include refusing all sex would have made her very upset.

Then you say you "caved" and had sex with her, but resented it. 

So now, there you are. Both of you are miserable, your sex drive is dead, you HATE the thought of having sex with her, and you want to what? Get married? Why?

I think it's time both of you ended this farce and free yourselves to move on to people who are more like-minded on sex and religion, as well as who are more compatible with each of you.

You two are no longer compatible.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Absolutely agree with norajane. Looks like the seed to all this accumulated resentment was that you decided out of the blue to "become a Christian" and stop having the great sex you had been having to that point. What followed later was a long cycle of negativity and this tree of resentment growing to heights where it doesn't make sense trying to cut it down anymore. Good thing you are not yet married. Call it off .. You would relieve youself and your fiancee of all the burden you have been carrying around for some time now.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

Marielle said:


> May I ask how old you and your fiancee are?


I am 26 and she is 28.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

eowyn said:


> Absolutely agree with norajane. Looks like the seed to all this accumulated resentment was that you decided out of the blue to "become a Christian" and stop having the great sex you had been having to that point. What followed later was a long cycle of negativity and this tree of resentment growing to heights where it doesn't make sense trying to cut it down anymore. Good thing you are not yet married. Call it off .. You would relieve youself and your fiancee of all the burden you have been carrying around for some time now.


Yeah, I agree with you guys to some extent. It really was not fair to her, because we had established the basis of our relationship as two secular people. And it wasn't until almost two years in that I found faith.

I know she really took it hard, when I told her that I wanted to wait until marriage. And now we are so close to marriage! The light is at the end of the tunnel. But the desire is not there.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

joyodo said:


> Yeah, I agree with you guys to some extent. It really was not fair to her, because we had established the basis of our relationship as two secular people. And it wasn't until almost two years in that I found faith.
> 
> I know she really took it hard, when I told her that I wanted to wait until marriage. And now we are so close to marriage! The light is at the end of the tunnel. But the desire is not there.


Don't rush!!! If it is this hard to break up with her now, imagine how harder it'll be to divorce her once you get married and you're not happy with her. Imagine spending e LIFETIME with someone you're not enthusiastic about. Within a year or two, either of you will have to cheat on each other and you'll have to go through the divorce.


----------



## joyodo (Apr 9, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> YOUR FIANCEE'S ISSUES tend toward her being a controlling person:
> * the friends you had to give up, were they engaged in illegal activities? were they blatantly rude/disrespectful to her? *WHY did you have to give them up* (knowing WHY would help us give better advice)
> * why did she want all your passwords? *Have you cheated on her in the past* (EA or PA)?
> * threatening to call your family and/or police? *What specifically did you do that would warrant family/police intervention*?
> ...


I had to give some of my best friends up because they were female and she was jealous. Others because they liked to party with me and drink too much. 

Never once! And never would. Never cheated on anybody in my whole life. She still reads my texts though, and I don't like it.

I don't want to say what I did, but it's nothing that serious. You would be surprised that it was even a big issue if I told you.

Her hobbies are shopping, surfing the internet and playing iPad. No, I do not support her in her hobbies, but I often encourage her to find other things that she likes to do though.

No, she has no job prospects there. She just does not want to stay in our current city because it is her hometown and she is ready for a change. Which I completely understand and support, even though I would prefer stay.

She used to be the bread maker. Now I am the bread maker. We are both very capable of supporting ourselves financially as individuals.

We do talk about them, but we always agree to let bygones be bygones. Sometimes I just think I have overlooked a lot of things in the past, that should have been deal-breakers.

I also love that she is beautiful, intelligent, has a great family (and I really like her parents), is educated, and is hilarious. She makes me laugh everyday and I feel that is important to have in my life. She likes to tell stories and is very funny with them. She loves to smile and laugh, which attracts me to her. I also like that she has recently taken up cooking, which is completely new to the relationship. 

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful perspective. Thanks for pointing out some things that she is struggling with as well as some things that* I* am struggling with. I think you have done a very good job analyzing our situation and helping me in thinking about some things from a long-term point of view.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I think something that might help you is to make an immediate appointment with your religious/spiritual advisor(pastor/priest/minister). Explain that you would like to discuss your situation ALONE...BEFORE the MC sessions. See him/her within the next week. 

Bring a complete printout of this thread (your post and all the responses at that point.) Be willing to discuss your concerns openly and frankly and listen thoughtfully. Take notes if you need to. 

After your meeting, reflect on the discussion. Pray about it. 

You will come to the right decision.


----------

