# I want my wife back



## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

My wife and I have been married almost 17 years and have been together over 18. We have a 16yo son. It all started to go down hill in 2008 when I had a emotional affair that lasted about 2 months. We ended up separating for about 6 month. Once we were back together things seemed to get better. But over time we seemed to argue a lot and my wife became more and more distant. This brings us to our current point in time. As of now she says she does not love me anymore an that the marriage is over. She moved out of our house and in with her sister 2 weeks ago. I know they say once the wife says that it's over and she wants a divorce it is hard to ever get them back. But this woman is my soulmate she has been in my life for half my life we have never gone more than a day or 2 apart since we got together so this is killing me since I do have severe depression and anxiety(on meds to help). But my heart still flutters when I see her and she is all I can think about. She says that I should just give up on her and move on cause she is done. She is the love of my life please help me.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

There's is more to this story. Maybe, you're not willing to express but I don't know of any woman who gives up on her marriage that easily.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Implement the 180 and remember to breath, count to 10 whenever you get that fluttery panic feeling.
Sorry your wife decided she was done. My stbxh did the same thing. I didn't know women did it too.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Women, after any type of an affair, often start to check out. You had a young child and she probably tried to "save" the marriage from that part forward.

She may be, in your mind a "soulmate", but she wasn't when you had the EA and she probably has looked at you and herself a lot differently ever since.

I would assume something brought this to a head recently and your son is older now.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

Nothing more has happened recently. She just says that we have both changed and that I'm not the same man that she married. She said she has tried to love me again and just can't. I'm trying my hardest to give her space since she left.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We need more information. Get these questionnaires and see if you can fill them out FOR HER, answering them as if you think she would answer. Then let us know what her top 5 Emotional Needs are and what your top 5 Love Busters are that she would say you do to make her unhappy. And let us know how well you think you met those top 5 Emotional Needs of hers. With that information, I can then tell you if you have a chance.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Love Busters Questionnaire

Oh, and go look at your phone records and see if there is one number that she has been texting or calling a lot that you don't recognize.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

I will do both of those tonight. I know she has been hanging out with and talking to a guy she has been friends with for along time. He has a gf. We have all hung out together before.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you need to investigate whether she started dating him before she left you. If she did, you need to let her family know she was cheating on you and then moved out. If you want the OM out of the picture, you must expose.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

I'm gonna try and find out for sure. I don't think she is cheating. I'm just so lost right now, I can't even eat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women almost NEVER move out before the kids graduate high school unless they have a man to move TO.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I agree with the sentiment that woman usually try and save the marriage after the H's affair and often decide they have had enough when the kids are gone and they enter menopause, then they leave. However, it is unusual that your W would do so when your son is still at home or is he going off to college?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She is your soulmate and the love of your life but you had an Emotional affair. That doesn't make any sense. She probably can't trust you anymore. You really only have yourself to blame for her leaving.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

Oh I totally blame myself 100 percent. She tried to put part of the blame on herself when it happened in 08 since she had went back to school and was never at home at night or the weekends. But it was my fault. She did have to have a hysterectomy almost 2yrs but they left her ovaries. Not saying that had anything to do with it just trying to give yall all of the info.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> Women almost NEVER move out before the kids graduate high school unless they have a man to move TO.


Yep. As I was reading this thread, I immediately thought there is someone else. OP needs to do some digging. 

While you're digging, work on yourself. After so many years, we can get sloppy. Make sure you're working to improve yourself. Gym, clothes, hair, ETC. Start activities that you've stopped because of life's responsibilities took over. This can help her see the man she fell for years ago. If not, you'll be a better catch for someone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some marriages recover from an EA/PA and some don't. Maybe she appeared to recover but decided, without saying anything, that she would leave later. And now she feels that time is here. Maybe there's another man and maybe there isn't. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want her back if she doesn't want to come back. Tell her you are willing to talk whenever she wants to (but accept she may not want to). Let her take the lead since she wanted the separation. And think about a plan for your life just in case she isn't coming back. Things are less scary with a plan.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Did you do MC after the EA? It sounds like you felt abandoned when she went to school. Was that the case. Not excusing the EA but it may help to review what happen and how you worked to resolve your issues. Read about recovery from an affair. It was 7 years ago but if you did not go through the steps to recovery, you are still suffering the consequences. She may not have had a chance to work through her grief. You may not have atoned for the EA. 

I assume that the schooling lead to her getting a better job? Has she had a recent increase in salary? I'll tell you something about many women. The decision to leave is usually made years before she walks away. The reason that a WW rarely comes back is that she executed a plan that was years in the making but her husband does not recognize the signs. He thinks that everything is good because conflict stops and she seems to get along with him. She has actually given up hope.

If you want her back, you have a long and hard road ahead. She needs to heal from the EA with your help. Then you need to explore in your mind what problems were sweep under the rug after the EA and address them with your wife, if she gives you a chance. These activities are worth the effort although you may never get your wife to come back. Resolving the problems in this relationship will make you a better man and a better partner in your next relationship, should it come to that. Good luck.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

I've started making plans to better myself. I start counseling next week. No she never did finish school. She only makes 12 per hour she can barely support herself even living with her sister rent free. I offer to help her with her bills or anything she needs but she will not accept it. I'm hoping that the counseling will help make me a better man, cause at this point I don't feel like much of one.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

No we didn't do marriage counseling after the EA. but looking back I wish we would have.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Chicknhawk1999 said:


> I've started making plans to better myself. I start counseling next week. No she never did finish school. She only makes 12 per hour she can barely support herself even living with her sister rent free. I offer to help her with her bills or anything she needs but she will not accept it. I'm hoping that the counseling will help make me a better man, cause at this point I don't feel like much of one.


I don't mean that you are not a good man. We can all be better people. That's what I meant. My choice of the word man was wrong, it will make you a better person. You and your wife did the best you knew how to do after the EA. 

There is a point at which you need to forgive yourself for past wrongs. That's the only way you can help the person you injured to forgive you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Have you been able to verify if there is another man. You don't know the number of threads that start like yours but after more digging it turns out there was a PA going on. Woman don't usually let go of one man, unless they already have another one in the wings.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

There is not one that I know of. No new numbers she has been calling. She hasn't even been going out as much with her normal friends because she doesn't have the money. If there is another man she is hiding it really well.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

They usually hide it very well. Her family will cover for her. Get busy Working on yourself. Become the best version of yourself. Mind, body, and soul. Do if for yourself. Hopefully she'll come around but if not, you'll be a better catch when you're ready. Be there for your kid. Divorce hits teens harder than younger kids.

If a D is in the process, use that time to rebuild not to date. Take the high road.


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## Chicknhawk1999 (Aug 11, 2015)

Yeah I understand what your saying. No dating is the last thing on my mind.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When you kill a woman's love for you....it's gone forever. Move on, give her an amicable divorce and learn from your mistakes.


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