# Seeking some advice



## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

My wife had an emotional affair (first post so excuse the lack of acronyms) and she is sorry it happened and committed to me to try to make this work. However, the person she had the affair with is an old friend and she says she has a hard time not continuing to be friends with him. I am trying to insist she has to stop any contact for at least the period of time where we can get to a better place (years). 

In the back of my mind, I wonder if she really only feels a need for his friendship if she is holding onto this in the midst of an issue that can tear apart our entire family?

Any thoughts or advice would be great!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The thing is her friend has done nothing to really make her angry / hurt / sad / offended, so she still has an active love for him. To put a slightly silly spin on it, if he one day spat in her face, called her nasty names, peed on her shoes and sideswiped her car on the way out, she'd have no problem disliking him from that point on. As it is though, everything has been left hanging on a positive note between them (apart from you finding out).

The problem is not easily solved. The truth of the matter is that emotional affairs destory relationships just as physical affairs do. In this case, her emotional affair may have destoryed her friendship with her friend as a way of saving the marriage.

She will probably be weak to re-establishing the friendship in well into the future.

As odd as it may seem, help her to greive his loss. But remain firm on no contact. At least for a few years. One can only hope that time cools things off for her.

Also importantly, find out what it was that you weren't giving her in the relationship, that she went outside looking for it. There's always something you can do better.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Atholk said:


> find out what it was that you weren't giving her in the relationship, that she went outside looking for it. There's always something you can do better.


I agree with everything Atholk said but the above portion of the post is "for me" where it's at. The EA is the result of something or the lack thereof.
Figure that out, don't focus on the symptom (albeit a tough one). Get to the root.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. It really helps. And you are right, I have a lot to work on and I am greatful to her that she is willing to allow me to try to better myself in our relationship. 

Right now, I am so consumed with this EA that I cannot think about how I can be a better person and husband.

Thanks again Atholk and 63Vino.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi and welcome to the forum, noona. The others have given you some sound advice. You would benefit from reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman at this point. The book will really help you find what was missing in your marriage.

Best wishes for you and your wife in 2010.


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## Lumpy (Jan 6, 2010)

i have a feeling that what you are going thrugh is something that i may be going to go thrugh soon if i dont do something about it. how did it start off as? do you think that if they continue to be friends it wil end up hurting your relationship again, and only come back stronger?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

For me having that firend that I developed feeling for was all because I wasnt letting my husband in and he wasnt giving me what I needed its al a versy selfish act. I thiknk that you just need to show her everyday how much you love her and show her what real love is!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sunflower said:


> For me having that firend that I developed feeling for was all because I wasnt letting my husband in and he wasnt giving me what I needed its al a versy selfish act. I thiknk that you just need to show her everyday how much you love her and show her what real love is!


In part it is selfish, but in part it's a very predictable thing where people just seek to get needs met after being denied what they need from their partner.

What often happens is you have an unmet need, and then you come across someone that quite casually meets that need for you. It's nice. And it's harmess. Your primary relationship is undamaged by it. So you go back for another nibble of getting your needs met. It's nice. And it's fairly harmless. Nothing really blows up at home, because you're not really cheating or anything like that. So you go back for a bite of getting your needs met.... then yada yada yada you're having whole meals of needs being met by someone other than your spouse and you know it's wrong, but you can't really upset your partner with the truth and go hungry and not get your needs met at the same time. Then it's a full blown EA and if the male has any seduction skills it's a PA.

It's actually very rare that someone breaks off a EA without being caught.

The long term fix is that the cheated on partner has to find a way to met the needs of the partner that cheated. Though in the middle of betrayal, finding this sort of self-insight is very hard to achieve. Most often the cheated on partner refuses to take any part of the blame for the creation of the situation.

And for the record, despite all of this zen... sometimes the cheater is quite willfully knowing what they did was going to be wrong, but still ploughed ahead anyway and just didn't give a rats ass about what it was going to do to you right from the get go. Sometimes hit the road Jack is the best and most appropriate response. Everything is a case by case basis.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

YES I agree I think that you need to have a longggg talk with her because you dont want it to go there she needs to know EXACTLY how you feel and that you will not deal with that. because it is cheating.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

Lumpy said:


> i have a feeling that what you are going thrugh is something that i may be going to go thrugh soon if i dont do something about it. how did it start off as? do you think that if they continue to be friends it wil end up hurting your relationship again, and only come back stronger?


This person was an old flame of my wife from her teenage years. I don't think the relationship was serious, it was mostly long distance with many letters back and forth. Then, they found each other on Facebook and started to catch up. Then, they started to share some personal info about how they were unhappy in their marriages. This created a connection that they then took too far. They talked about what it would have been like if they stayed together. My wife insists that they didn't set up a plan to end their relationships and get together. My wife was not hapy before this started. i think this was the "fall back" that gave her the strength to leave our relationship.

At this point, we are trying to work through the reason why she did this and determine if she was only talking with him because she didn't talk with me about these subjects. Can she find the trust with me again and have me meet the needs that this EA was meeting.

My fear is that is she even questions that she needs to stop contact with him for the good of our relationship and the family, then there must be some strong feelings there. And if they are that strong, how can I expect them to just go away?


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

sunflower said:


> For me having that Friend that I developed feeling for was all because I wasn't letting my husband in and he wasn't giving me what I needed its al a versy selfish act. I thiknk that you just need to show her everyday how much you love her and show her what real love is!


This really helps sunflower. I am almost convinced that this is the case with my wife, however there is still doubt. My wife says she's committed to me and she is going to stop contact with this person. She is really upset that she let it get to this point because she doesn't want to lose this person as her friend. She does realize though that she needs to do this to give our relationship 100%. At the same time, she cannot say that she will not think about him and feelings will not surface again. I guess no one can ever say that something will never happen. We just cannot control everything that happens in life.

Right now, I am trying to visualize how I can forgive and trust her again. How can Is top myself from thinking that feelings may surface again for this person? 

I am well aware that I have caused many of the reasons why she was pushed into this EA. I am confident that if I had done the things I should have, as a husband, she would not be in this place. So I feel good about where the two of us are for working on our relationship. But at the same time, I find myself trying to "hedge" my bets. How can I still work on this while prepping myself for the worst scenario? I know that I have to be in this 100% and make myself vulnerable, but that is easier said than done.

One negative reaction I know I need to stay away from is the temptation of me developing a EA. The devil on my shoulder says "Hey buddy, if she ends up not being able to get over this other man, maybe you should be preparing yourself for this by having someone to fall back on". My fear is that in my state, if I were to discuss my feelings with another women, I would quickly be sucked into the same thing my wife was sucked into.

This is a tough situation. I have all the right thoughts in my head about working on our relationship and my wife is prepared to stop contact with the other man. We are both doing all the right things. I just can't get over the possibility that she realizes in the future that this person is really the better option for her.

Any insight women on this forum can provide me as to what my wife may be thinking or going through would be appreciated.

Lastly, she agreed to end it with him and requested to have one last phone call with him to apologize and explain what she has to do with her life. I trust her and agree that this is the appropriate thing to do. She also said that she is fine with my listening, so I don't worry about what is being said. Is this healthy? Should I do this in order to hear the closure and maybe feel better about this? Or will I just conjure up bad feeling by listening to her talk to this person?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think the phone call sounds great.

Keep in mind it may be hard for her to quit "cold turkey."

It's odd how the advice can be so different from post to post around here. Yes - there was probably something missing in your marriage, but marriages go two ways. Don't try to shoulder all of the blame. She was unhappy and had a LOT of options with how to deal with it. Having an EA was unacceptable, so don't beat yourself up too much. 

Good thing is - unlike so many others on here - your W has recognized that the relationship with the "friend" is 1) a problem and 2) not as important as your marriage.

Sounds like you have a good chance of moving forward.


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## Lumpy (Jan 6, 2010)

noona said:


> This person was an old flame of my wife from her teenage years. I don't think the relationship was serious, it was mostly long distance with many letters back and forth. Then, they found each other on Facebook and started to catch up. Then, they started to share some personal info about how they were unhappy in their marriages. This created a connection that they then took too far. They talked about what it would have been like if they stayed together. My wife insists that they didn't set up a plan to end their relationships and get together. My wife was not hapy before this started. i think this was the "fall back" that gave her the strength to leave our relationship.
> 
> At this point, we are trying to work through the reason why she did this and determine if she was only talking with him because she didn't talk with me about these subjects. Can she find the trust with me again and have me meet the needs that this EA was meeting.
> 
> My fear is that is she even questions that she needs to stop contact with him for the good of our relationship and the family, then there must be some strong feelings there. And if they are that strong, how can I expect them to just go away?


Nothing can just go away, It could just go and stick somewhere else in the brain but its there and she knows it. One of my previous relationships ended up like this because i wanted something that they didn’t have so I went searching elsewhere, I wish I didn’t think my bf is thinking about doing this but I do and it hurts to think that they might not be here for long and just brace for a crash landing. 
I love him and would do whatever it takes to make all the unwanted feelings for this other girl just go away. Just knowing that there is something that I don’t have that he has to search elsewhere hurts the most.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

Lumpy said:


> Nothing can just go away, It could just go and stick somewhere else in the brain but its there and she knows it. One of my previous relationships ended up like this because i wanted something that they didn’t have so I went searching elsewhere, I wish I didn’t think my bf is thinking about doing this but I do and it hurts to think that they might not be here for long and just brace for a crash landing.
> I love him and would do whatever it takes to make all the unwanted feelings for this other girl just go away. Just knowing that there is something that I don’t have that he has to search elsewhere hurts the most.


One thing that was really hard to do, but I felt was necessary, was talking about what she enjoyed about this other person. Talking through this and showing her that I cared about her needs and I wanted to be the one who fulfilled her needs, not this other person helped her realize that I am truly the one who cares about her and I can be the one person in her life to make her happy.

I think she sees me in a different light. I don't think she thought I had it in me to forgive her and put a devastating issue like this aside to work on our own relationship.

But with all this said, there needs to be a lot of healing and a lot of relationship building before I can lose the fear of her even thinking about another person.

One word of caution to you: do not seek out another person as revenge. I doubt that I am different from anyone else who has been a victim of an EA and I did think about this, a lot. I came to the conclusion that my wife is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the person to screw that up. If in the end, she ends up falling in love with another person, so be it. I will at least still have my dignity (what ever that's worth at that point) and the confidence that I am a good person and can once again find love.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hey Noona,
I have a LOT of respect for you. I think your on the right track. I am very happy you can forgive her and recognize (although not your fault outright) the EA was the result of some lack between you guys. You guys talking about THAT directly is beautiful. Seems to me she's commiting to get better with you.
Im sure its a pain for her to let go of the friend so the fact that she will make the call is a good sign. 

Don't hedge your bets though. If you've made your decision to forgive her because you love her, GO 100%. You never know what will happen, but the best prognosis is if your in it all the way.

All the best!!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you are awesome guy! I think thats great and I also think its great that she understands that she has to lose a friend to gain in your marriage thats only fair to you! Just make sure you keep things open and honest from here on out even if the truth hurts


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

I am going through something similiar myself the only advice I can give is find the trust again...My husband had a EA also and when I found out I was hurt more because he couldn't express his feelings to me but could with OW, I snooped around for weeks making sure he had no contact with her and then I finally realized that we had to put everything on the table and see if our marriage was worth fighting for and that is exactly what we did and I forgave him but I am still learning to trust him again but that will all come in time so if u believe in ur marriage then it will work out in due time.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

burned2manytimes said:


> I am going through something similiar myself the only advice I can give is find the trust again...My husband had a EA also and when I found out I was hurt more because he couldn't express his feelings to me but could with OW, I snooped around for weeks making sure he had no contact with her and then I finally realized that we had to put everything on the table and see if our marriage was worth fighting for and that is exactly what we did and I forgave him but I am still learning to trust him again but that will all come in time so if u believe in ur marriage then it will work out in due time.


How do you get past the thoughts of him possibly reverting back to the OW? I trust my wife will stop communication and will focus on me, but how can I get past the thoughts that some day there may be a trigger that urges her to contact him again? My thought process is "if she was able to do this knowing it was wrong and could destroy a family and marriage, the feelings must be strong enough to overcome her will and conscious effort to stay away from him". unhealthy I know, but they exist non-the-less.


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

It is hard I still have trouble with him talking to this OW but I am trying very hard to stop snooping to see if he is staying true to his word it is common nature to want to know since u already know they have done it before and that is why it is so hard to trust that they won't do it again. I know time will tell but for now I hope and pray that my husband decides his family is more important than OW and we can move on and if not then I must move on. you have to know what to fight for and when to let go I am fighting right now but I can't win by myself and so if the effort for him starts to diminish then I know who won.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have the same thoughts, it helps me and my wife that I know her emotional and physical behaviors that comes form her infedelity, basicly the signs of a cheating spouse. I quess what I'm saying " I caught you once, I can catch you again". It still sucks I 'll never forget about her affairs, but I can still forgive her and sleep at night, as long as she/we maintain the positve behaviors that keeps the marraige afloat and (stays away from OM's).
Stay vigilant and love your wife , I do


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing as painful as it was, it helped knowing what attracted my wife to the OM's for attention. Some had my appearence and build, but flattery will get you every were, and it helps to smell good
A breath mint and a good colgne will go a long way.


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