# Is it ok for married men to go to bars without their wife



## ARed (8 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he told me about how he would travel to jobsites and drink and sleep around even though he had a daughter with his live in girlfriend. He assured me those days were over and about 5 years later I believe they were. We had settled into a lifestyle and I believe he stopped cheating on me or he got way better because I didn't catch him. Fast forward 2 years and we have each taken contract work in the same location. He had said this was a fresh start for us and now 2 months later he has been to the local bar every week without me since we got here. He goes when I am at work and if he can get away without telling me; he does. He doesn't think not telling me is lying. there is also a woman about ten years younger than him; so 20 years younger than me. She started the same day that he did. He has befriended this woman and had traded phone numbers with her and no one else by the end of the first week under the pretense that everyone was going out and they were gonna text when they left. even though he could have exchanged numbers with her father or mother who also work there. This all feels very familiar and I don't know if I am up for it again. Even if nothing is happening now if you keep putting yourself in a situation where you are developing a friendship with someone you are attracted to and you are drinking with them you are opening yourself up to something happening. Other than that you are going to the same little bar and getting half drunk with your friends every week. It is rare that you only have one or two or that you don't do shots. If we are trying to change our lives that means changing what we do on a daily basis right? Or am I crazy here?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This isn’t about bars or rules in marriage. This is about your husband cheating on you right in front of you.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I spent a long time (decades) going to bars without my wife. However… I never tried picking up women, trading numbers with women, etc…


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I would also say you can go to bars without making it a pick-up event. I pride myself in being in good shape, clean, polite and think I am decent-looking. In all my years of going to bars, I have had maybe 4 women approach me and strike up a conversation and all 4 were friendly fun and cordial. NONE indicated it was anything more than a friendly chat. And thats 4 in somewhere around 30 years. 4

If you are going to a bar looking for trouble, you can certainly find it. But if you are just going for a drink or to hang out, I don't think trouble will easily find you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The male equivalent of this would be some guy saying his wife was a stripper when they got together and now years later he is bemoaning the fact she keeps dancing around on poles and giving guys BJs for money in the parking lot. 

This is basically the same thing - this dude had a lifestyle of bar hopping and picking up chicks. It what he does just dancing on poles and giving BJs for money in parking lots is what strippers do. 

You can ask him nicely to stop bar hopping and picking up chicks, but you can see how well that’s worked out for you thus far. 

Your other options are to either live with it knowing that he’s going to be picking up chicks periodically.

Or you can dump him and find some guy that doesn’t hang out in bars and pick up chicks in the first place.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband has proven to be unfaithful. He is now doing things that unfaithful spouses do. 2+2 still = 4.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He was a serial cheat with his live in girlfriend and mother of his child and now you are worried about him cheating. Hmmm.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My husband goes sometimes to sports bars to watch football or hockey with friends. I don’t go to bars but will meet a friend for dinner without him on occasion. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion, when there’s trust.

Going to bars to get half drunk (or not) with coworkers or friends of the opposite sex isn’t a good look for married people and sounds like your husband doesn’t respect you, OP. Marriage is a two way street, you can’t be the only one with proper boundaries. I think you know what you need to do but ending relationships can be hard, even bad ones.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bars are one thing and that thing is trouble.

All that spilled beer and drinks, and those fat dill pickles in the loosely closed jar.

Umm.

All they do is draw flies.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you’re not crazy. What you’re seeing is the man he is and there’s no reason to think he’ll ever change.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ARed said:


> My husband and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he told me about how he would travel to jobsites and drink and sleep around even though he had a daughter with his live in girlfriend. He assured me those days were over and about 5 years later I believe they were. We had settled into a lifestyle and I believe he stopped cheating on me or he got way better because I didn't catch him. Fast forward 2 years and we have each taken contract work in the same location. He had said this was a fresh start for us and now 2 months later he has been to the local bar every week without me since we got here. He goes when I am at work and if he can get away without telling me; he does. He doesn't think not telling me is lying. there is also a woman about ten years younger than him; so 20 years younger than me. She started the same day that he did. He has befriended this woman and had traded phone numbers with her and no one else by the end of the first week under the pretense that everyone was going out and they were gonna text when they left. even though he could have exchanged numbers with her father or mother who also work there. This all feels very familiar and I don't know if I am up for it again. Even if nothing is happening now if you keep putting yourself in a situation where you are developing a friendship with someone you are attracted to and you are drinking with them you are opening yourself up to something happening. Other than that you are going to the same little bar and getting half drunk with your friends every week. It is rare that you only have one or two or that you don't do shots. If we are trying to change our lives that means changing what we do on a daily basis right? Or am I crazy here?


He's cheating, act accordingly.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

ARed said:


> My husband and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he told me about how he would travel to jobsites and drink and sleep around even though he had a daughter with his live in girlfriend. He assured me those days were over and about 5 years later I believe they were. We had settled into a lifestyle and I believe he stopped cheating on me or he got way better because I didn't catch him. Fast forward 2 years and we have each taken contract work in the same location. He had said this was a fresh start for us and now 2 months later he has been to the local bar every week without me since we got here. He goes when I am at work and if he can get away without telling me; he does. He doesn't think not telling me is lying. there is also a woman about ten years younger than him; so 20 years younger than me. She started the same day that he did. He has befriended this woman and had traded phone numbers with her and no one else by the end of the first week under the pretense that everyone was going out and they were gonna text when they left. even though he could have exchanged numbers with her father or mother who also work there. This all feels very familiar and I don't know if I am up for it again. Even if nothing is happening now if you keep putting yourself in a situation where you are developing a friendship with someone you are attracted to and you are drinking with them you are opening yourself up to something happening. Other than that you are going to the same little bar and getting half drunk with your friends every week. It is rare that you only have one or two or that you don't do shots. If we are trying to change our lives that means changing what we do on a daily basis right? Or am I crazy here?


If you put yourself in a situation, an environment and then add in booze, anything can happen. I would suggest some strong boundaries and counseling.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Junebug86 said:


> If you put yourself in a situation, an environment and then add in booze, anything can happen. I would suggest some strong boundaries and counseling.


For you. Marriage counseling is only useful for people who are willing and want to change. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ARed said:


> My husband and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he told me about how he would travel to jobsites and drink and sleep around even though he had a daughter with his live in girlfriend. He assured me those days were over and about 5 years later I believe they were. We had settled into a lifestyle and I believe he stopped cheating on me or he got way better because I didn't catch him. Fast forward 2 years and we have each taken contract work in the same location. He had said this was a fresh start for us and now 2 months later he has been to the local bar every week without me since we got here. He goes when I am at work and if he can get away without telling me; he does. He doesn't think not telling me is lying. there is also a woman about ten years younger than him; so 20 years younger than me. She started the same day that he did. He has befriended this woman and had traded phone numbers with her and no one else by the end of the first week under the pretense that everyone was going out and they were gonna text when they left. even though he could have exchanged numbers with her father or mother who also work there. This all feels very familiar and I don't know if I am up for it again. Even if nothing is happening now if you keep putting yourself in a situation where you are developing a friendship with someone you are attracted to and you are drinking with them you are opening yourself up to something happening. Other than that you are going to the same little bar and getting half drunk with your friends every week. It is rare that you only have one or two or that you don't do shots. If we are trying to change our lives that means changing what we do on a daily basis right? Or am I crazy here?


Ok. I'm going to answer your title the exact same way I answered a man with the same problem a while ago.

Men, in general, going to have a drink without their wives is fine.

Your husband going without you is not.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Men should go anywhere they wish.
It’s your husbands shady behavior and lack of boundaries that’s hurting your marriage.

he’s disrespecting you and being sneaky. Why are you having him live with you when he isn’t honoring you?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Men go to bars to:
Get sloshed - ie: forget their woes (not a good way though)
Have a pint or two with their buddies and discuss work/sports or some other (boring to females) matter
Just "unwind" after work and have a pint with work-buddies with whatever conversation pops up
Get together with some buddies haven't seen in "ages." - Rehash old times or ?
and have a pint!

then there are some that make life not so good for us that to "just to have a pint"
they go looking for poontang - the more pints they consume - the lower their bar for what is acceptable for a "nights endeavor" or ??

So my experience is MOST men go for camaraderie - and a pint

there are those who are on the looking for a harlot

Question for you - is your spouse the "for a pint" or "for a harlot" bar visitor?
Both reasons are "usual" activities - one is generally socially acceptable
the other - not so much

Majority are "okay with a bit of flirting" if it happens but get cold feet quickly if escalation
begins.

I venture less than 5% are on the prowl

your opinion may vary!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He has a history of cheating, so his behaviour is slightly alarming...


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Somebody going to a bar, having a drink or two & talking to people is just fine, married or single. 

That is not what your husband does. He may be an alcoholic. Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting so you can understand more about his drinking. But he also likes to pick up women & cheat on you. Even if he did that in Church, it would still be wrong. The location -- a bar -- doesn't make the cheating better or worse. The bar isn't the problem. The cheating is the problem. 

He's proven he will never stop & is incapable of being faithful. Only you know if you are willing to continue putting up with this but no you are not crazy. You may be crazy if you decide to believe that he will change.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ARed said:


> *He doesn't think not telling me is lying.*


Yeah. That's a problem.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Where there is trust and under certain circumstances, I think a husband going to bars without the wife (or vis versa) is fine. I go with collegues occasionally for happy hour to unwind and chat about work issues. I also catch up with friends sometimes at a local restaurant/bar. I've never been interested in going alone to sit and have a drink at the bar. 

My H used to go to bars alone, he also used to cheat. Both of those things are in the past for him, otherwise we would not still be married. The only time my H goes to bars now without me is if there is an event of some kind, like a casual reunion or work gathering. He's never been interested in watching sports with buddies but if he was, I'd be okay with it. 

Plain and simple, your H is going to bars to cheat. I think you know this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Going to bars and picking up chicks is awesome married man behavior…….. says no man’s wife on the planet.

You know you don’t really need us to tell you this. Go to the bar. He’ll be chatting up some woman, look surprised you’re there, then tell you it’s nothing, just some barfly he knows.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

My husband goes to bars by himself a lot. I don't care. I usually go pick him up so no DWI. He's not picking anybody up or inappropriately flirting. Half the time the bartenders are my friends so I'd be informed if there were hanky panky.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There have been men I would trust to do that, who would also trust me to do that. He's not one of them. He has a bad history. I would say in marriage, that should only happen if both spouses are very secure that the other is trustworthy. Otherwise, you should invite the other spouse to most of those things at least part of the time. I realize there are commonly work happy hours, and most of the ones I've been to were harmless, but there are other people there, so if someone wasn't on good behavior because their workmates were there, they could be hitting on other people there. Of course, if there's any flirting at work, happy hours are where that might culminate in something. 

But really, it's simple. If there's mistrust on either side, then invite your spouse. Even if the spouse "dropped in" on only one out of three outings in the middle of the outing, say, they could quickly pick up if anything was going on.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If my wife is out of town or something and I just want to talk to people I will sometimes go to a pub and sit at the bar, but I only go places where I am a regular and know both customers and the bartenders and so does my wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> My husband goes to bars by himself a lot. I don't care. I usually go pick him up so no DWI. He's not picking anybody up or inappropriately flirting. Half the time the bartenders are my friends so I'd be informed if there were hanky panky.


That's the way to do it. I think problems set in when you have one person who is out and knows everyone and one who doesn't. If both people are circulating, it is pretty hard to keep a secret at any of the regular Hangouts.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

He is acting like he wishes he were single. 

I'd make his wish come true.


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