# Trying to make the decision to go back to my ex



## SS668 (Jul 3, 2011)

My story sounds similar to many of the other members who post on this site but there are a few differences that are making me consider going back to my ex.

My ex would be considered by most to be a good guy... he is a hard worker, he is a good father to his children (3), and he is fairly attractive/physically fit. However, during the course of our marriage we shared very little emotional connection. We were rarely intimate and often he would be cold and uncaring to me (both with words and actions). We were never "friends" and seemed to have different personality types that clashed (he is very conservative and I am more outgoing). I have had to apologize to my friends and family members several times over the years for his rude behaviors. I guess we married each other because we were young and both wanted to start a family and he was "good enough."

About four years ago, I was away with my friends at a wedding and met someone who I had an instant attraction to. We began chatting online/texting/phone calls on a regular basis and eventually met on several occasions. Over the course of the three years of this affair, I fell in love with this person. He made me feel wanted/attractive/sexy. The problem was he lived far from my home. My husband eventually found out about the affair by seeing cell phone records, but begged me to stop and stay in the marriage. The affair ended and I tried my best to put my energies into my relationship with my husband, but the emotional connection still was not there. I would cry while we were intimate, or try to avoid being around him by making any excuse I could to leave the house.

After about two months of trying at home, I met someone new who again showered me with attention/affection and I started a new affair. This new person lived in my town and had recently separated from his wife. The whole deceitful process started again with me hiding my phone and lying to meet this person in secret locations. After one overnight trip with this new man, my husband actually caught me getting my suitcase out of this man's car putting it in mine. He still did not kick me out but begged me to stop this behavior and said he would forgive me.

I ended up moving out a week later because it had become obvious that I was looking for something my marriage and current relationship could not give me. This was the hardest decision and worst night of my life when I told my three children I would be moving to an apartment on the other side of town.

When I first moved out, the relationship with this new guy was incredible. The relationship was passionate, exciting, adventurous and domestic at the same time. We spent all our free time together; splitting time between his apartment and mine (nights we didn't have our children). We told each other we were in love and even talked about the future once we were officially divorced. He met my children on several occasions but never allowed me to meet his. Four months into that relationship I caught him literally in bed with another woman. I was devastated! I thought I was really going to get everything I wanted in a relationship.

Immediately I called my ex and said I wanted to come home. My place of safety and security and he said I could, but then I started the online dating scene and the idea of me coming back faded away.

The cheater wooed me back in January and since then it has been a toxic relationship with him continually hurting me and me putting up with it because I think I am so desperate for the over the top emotions that come with his attention when it is good. Every time he hurts me I run back to my ex. 

Last night, I caught this man lying again after he said loved me and really wanted to work on it.

Now I think to myself, my ex has put up with all my behaviors, has remained a good dad and person (hasn't even dated), and still wants me back after all I have done. 

I feel rejected and hopeless that I truly will ever find the perfect relationship. (And I have been on lots of dates on the online services). I do not like living in my small apartment and I miss the security of my old life. My kids still struggle with the situation and financially it is difficult (even though I have a good job). I am anxious all the time and think I might be clinically depressed.

My ex said he wants a decision from me in the next three weeks. We will have been separated a year in September. He said either I need to come home or I need to file for divorce.

Coming home would give me my family unit back, the house I love, and security that no one would break my heart again. I know that my ex will always have issues with emotion, but maybe I can sacrifice the passion for putting our family back together. I still can't believe that he would let me come back after all I have done, but he said the door is always open for me.

Is is worth going back for those reasons? Or at least trying it one more time? 

I am frustrated with the dating scene and don't believe that everyone "finds love eventually."


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, I think you should go back, but let me explain. It sounds like you are looking for men to "complete" you. Honestly, no man will ever be strong enough to complete you until you are able to complete yourself. I think you need to work on strengthening yourself. Find a good counselor and begin strengthening yourself and improving your self confidence. It is possible that the relationship with your husband will get better slowly as you become a stronger, more confident woman.

All in all, it sounds like you need to go back home, so yes, I think you should return to your husband and children.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Let me understand this correctly, you're married but "frustrated with the dating scene".

Would you please ask your husband to join this forum and reference this topic so we can give HIM some advice? Thanks.


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## SS668 (Jul 3, 2011)

Big Toe... I know that my behaviors have been somewhat out of control. Why would my husband even want me back after all these multiple relationships I have had? But he continues to say come home. That is why I am afraid that I will end up doing the same thing all over again. Or, I instead of wondering what life would be like on my own, I have now experienced it and know it is not that easy and fun like I thought it would be.


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## SS668 (Jul 3, 2011)

Brian... My friends say the same thing about me, why is it that I always need to have a man. If one thing falls apart, I jump on the online gig and find a date for that night/weekend. This has backfired on me several times. 

I often get the advice "work on you." But I don't know exactly what that means? I have a good job, I am a good mom, I have close friends, I work out, I am educated, but still I obviously have some type of dependency problem with the opposite sex. How do I figure out the part that will fix my need to have a man in my life?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get some therapy/counseling. Talk to a professional who can talk you through your thoughts/feelings.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in a similar situation... I went from a long relationship (17 years where I cheated and chose to end it) to a casual relationship which rather quickly became more serious. My "plan" when leaving my marriage was to spend a year or so working on myself. Get someone to talk to about why I did what I did, rediscover myself, explore my interests that I hadn't while I was married... Instead, I haven't done any of those things, my running has taken a huge hit, and I feel at risk of losing myself in another relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with her! . But it's not what I had in mind.

C
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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Thank you for sharing your story and being so candid. It's easy to pass judgement on you given your behavior but have you considered you might have borderline tenancies? Regardless, I believe you are extremely fortunate to have a partner who would take you back after all of this. Personally if it were me it would be over. 

If your care about your family file for divorce and let him find a loving loyal partner.
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