# Husband won't guarantee he won't cheat....



## Sakmeht (Oct 14, 2013)

First post, feel free to move if it should be in another area)

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, we homeschool our three beautiful children, see eye to eye on political and social issues, and our marriage has been really good.

He went to the gun range a couple days ago and after he came back said that he had been so horny and if a woman had come along and offered to have sex with him, he would have taken her up on her offer. I said, you would have slept with some strange woman? He says, You don't realize how horny I was!, and it must have been all the gunpowder... Reallly?? He went out the door trying to laugh it off but realizing what a nasty pie he had stepped in. Later, I found him working in the trailer and told him "I need you to tell me that you would never cheat on me" and he says, "Well, I would hope that I'd never cheat on you" "I hope I would make the right decision" and I said that wasn't good enough. I said, if you want to sleep with another woman, at least do me the courtesy of being honest with me about it and he said "fair enough". 

I know he wouldn't go off seeking out a relationship (and he says he'd never do that) and intentionally cheat on me, but he said he couldn't promise because it was like his mind and body were not communicating and he can't be sure what he would have done. He said he's only been horny like that two or three times in his life. 

There have been fantasies about bringing a third party into our marriage bed and a little talk about open marriage, but this is mostly something he says he'd be open to, but I'm not really cool with that idea. 

If we ever go to the point we'd be doing an open marriage, the critical factor would be honesty, and not so much the extramarital sex, but I'm not sure I'll ever get there, especially since I'm so conflicted over what he's said. He's told me he'll always be honest with me and he will try his best to make sure he never cheats, but again, no guarantee.... am I blowing this out of proportion? We made vows to each other. Early in our marriage, I remember laying in bed together talking about how we'd never cheat on each other. 

I'm feeling betrayed. I don't want to separate from my husband. We've built a wonderful life together, but I need to figure out what I need to do. Force him to say he won't cheat? Pull my head out of the sand and move on? Or come to a place where I can accept that he won't give me a guarantee because he doesn't want to end up having lied to me if he does cheat? 

Thanks


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Two separate issues here. One is the open marriage/third party thing which I can't advice because I'm completely against it.

The other issue is the being extremely horny and seeing how easy it would be to cheat given the right set of circumstances. Like somehow that women is going to walk up at that exact moment and say "take me now". LOL!!

Unless you've got other reasons to distrust your husband I wouldn't take the comments seriously. He was just telling you how horny he was. I've heard a comment or two like this from my husband. Since no woman offered to have sex with him he came home to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Well, if you divorce him, that would be one way to gurantee he won't cheat on you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Any promise to never cheat is an empty lie. Anyone - no matter how adamantly sure of themselves - can do so with the perfect storm of wrong circumstances. Actually, the most adamant usually have the fewest defenses and are the first to fall. Demanding such assurances gets you exactly nothing of value or substance, IMO.

We have an open marriage. It has worked very well for us, and we have dealt with or discussed pretty much any conceivable issue or problem that could arise - and so far, nothing of significance has. We are deeply committed to our relationship, but neither of us believe in monogamy except for those who truly want it and feel capable of achieving it. As some non-monogamous friends put it (about variety), "We have filet mignon every day with each other, but sometimes we just want chicken!"


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I hope this doesn't come across as negative, but I don't think anyone can guarantee it. I say this because I've seen so many people do it that I'd never thought were the type to stray. I honestly think that there is a scenario/situation for everyone that would lead them to stray. Its the boundaries we have in our relationships that keep us out of harms way.


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## Sakmeht (Oct 14, 2013)

Well, I did say that he ever cheated on me, we'd be through. So I guess that's one boundary that we've established! Thanks for all of the great advice so far; I was hoping it wouldn't all be a lot of "divorce him!!"

And no, I really have no reason to believe he'd cheat on me. I hear what you're all saying about guarantees... I really wouldn't want him to guarantee me he wouldn't cheat if he really didn't mean it. And I wouldn't feel better if I forced it out of him.


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## Confusedhubby2013 (Oct 10, 2013)

Agreed, anyone who says they would NEVER cheat is lying. Everyone is capable, just depends on the circumstances. I'd like to think the average person would try their best not to put themselves in a compromising position. 

I can think of an example where I walked a female coworker home after the bar closed and she asked me in for a nitecap. I politely said no and went home to an empty bed as my wife was pulling a nightshift. 

That's you're average good guy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I completely disagree with all of this.

You promise not to cheat period! You made that vow on your wedding day. if you cheat you've broken that promise.

I understand the concept that we are all fallable and capable of anything. but a promise and a vow is just that.

I personally would demand that promise!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> I completely disagree with all of this.
> 
> You promise not to cheat period! You made that vow on your wedding day. if you cheat you've broken that promise.
> 
> ...


That promise was "demanded" when the vows were taken and guess how well that works out for many? Nobody can guarantee anything except paying taxes and dying. That said, OP your husband is kind of an idiot. He should have said that he has no intention of cheating on you, not "I can't guarantee I won't".


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sakmeht said:


> "Well, I would hope that I'd never cheat on you" "I hope I would make the right decision"


I think after hearing this I would have reacted very differently from you. I would have said, "Oh, I see what you mean. I can make the same commitment to you. I would hope that I'd never do it, either, but can't guarantee anything."

And then see how he likes the uncertainty from the other side.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Granted, within the right array of wrong things, negative feelings and poor boundaries, anyone can slip and fall into the sheet bowl. I don't believe in anyone's saint attitude of "not me, never!" I've seen enough "saints" like this...
But, you should at lest TRY YOUR HARDEST to be the best person you can be. And that includes not cheating. Who knows what can happen, but you don't say such thing to a spouse. It's like you open the door to that intention. 
Open marriage? In other words, the intention to cheat, sleep with people outside the marriage. Big No.
You need to reinforce strong boundaries. Let him know that if he flirts with the idea of cheating, he should be aware you won't put up with that. He does it, he's single the next day.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It was a stupid thing to say.

But, it does speak to his level of sexual satisfaction.

You said "we homeschool our children" in the beginning of your posting. Maybe I'm reading into this but is the "wonderful life" your view or his view?

Some men would say that his wife puts the kids first, and leaves little time and energy for his needs and maybe that's what he's trying to tell you?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell him to come home, when he feels this way.

How would he feel if you said this to him? 

You could try to make him so tired, he would not have the energy to do anything else.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I am wondering if that was his way of saying he isn't sexually satisfied? Maybe outright saying it is too difficult for him, but some men (many on this site) seem to not be satisfied with the amount or quality of sex they are getting. Some of the stories here are sad when they say they haven't had sex in months. I'm not saying this is your husband, but if your sex life is lacking, that could be a passive way of telling you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I also think hes hinting that he is not satisfyed with your sex life maybe he wants you to start things up and be playfull ....like take me now I'm horney for you you big hunk of a stud!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why don't you let him know that this sh!t works both ways?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Tell him to come home, when he feels this way.


That probably would have been the much smarter way to deal with that whole conversation. Instead I think the OP and her husband (and this thread) are divided over semantics.

I agree with all those who say that no one can say with absolute truthfulness that they would never cheat. Everyone is fallible. I also agree with all those who say that the promise to be faithful is a cornerstone of every marriage and has to be made. Maybe it's the lawyer in me but I think, properly viewed, a guarantee never to cheat is the way these two opposing views come together. If I guarantee that I will never cheat, I'm not saying that I will never cheat, I'm saying that it is my expectation that I will never cheat but if I fail to meet that expectation, I promise to do X to compensate you for that failure. 

Your husband is viewing the word guarantee as if it means an absolute statement that cheating will never happen. You are viewing "guarantee" to mean a statement that he has no intention to cheat. Maybe if you both use the word guarantee in the legal sense - a statement of expectation coupled with consequences if the expectation is not met - he would have less trouble giving one and you would be happy accepting it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I hope this doesn't come across as negative, but I don't think anyone can guarantee it. I say this because I've seen so many people do it that I'd never thought were the type to stray. I honestly think that there is a scenario/situation for everyone that would lead them to stray. Its the boundaries we have in our relationships that keep us out of harms way.





Confusedhubby2013 said:


> Agreed, anyone who says they would NEVER cheat is lying. Everyone is capable, just depends on the circumstances. I'd like to think the average person would try their best not to put themselves in a compromising position.
> 
> I can think of an example where I walked a female coworker home after the bar closed and she asked me in for a nitecap. I politely said no and went home to an empty bed as my wife was pulling a nightshift.
> 
> That's you're average good guy.


Bull crap. Total and UTTER bull crap.

I'm 41 years old. I've been in long term relationships for probably 20 years of those 41 years and I've NEVER cheated. I haven't even dated two women at the same time casually because I refuse to do that.

I can say with 100% surety that I would NEVER EVER cheat on any partner I'm with. Because to me that is a non-negotiable part of my integrity. 

Can you also say that anyone who says "I won't go out and murder someone in cold blood" a liar? People can guarantee their choices in life. Cheating is a choice.

I won't say I would never be TEMPTED to cheat. I have been. When I was married to my cheating ex, and hadn't had sex for a year and a half, I was working at a VERY attractive woman's house installing a light fixture, she came out of her bedroom in a leopard print lingerie outfit and literally walked up to me as I'm standing there dumbfounded (up on a chair mind you) and says to me "Want to have some fun on the side, (she knew I was married and knew my ex) I can deepthroat and I'll show you right now" as her face is literally 2 inches from my nether region. After about 10 seconds of clearing my head, I politely said no, It's not that I don't want it, but I couldn't allow myself to do that.

She pursued me even harder after that for about 2 months. I finally had to remove her from my life, which cost me a considerable amount of business actually.

So yes, people can definitively guarantee that they won't cheat.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I guess I am more confused about him randomly telling you this, "Hey if I saw a chick and she offered to bang me, I would totally do it." 

Um, where was that coming from? Does he normally speak to you that way? It seems so disrespectful.

In life, there are no guarantees (except for dying and paying insane taxes). He could cheat. You could cheat. 

It seems he wants to provoke and upset you. The bigger question is: why? Does he get off on treating you poorly? Speaking to you in a manner that is disrespectful? Making you feel insecure so he can feel better?

That to me, sounds like a big issue.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I think he's planning on cheating and setting it up by saying he can't guarantee he won't. That is not something a happy husband says to his wife. It's downright desrespectful.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A "happy" husband?

More like a man who does not value his wife.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Bull crap. Total and UTTER bull crap.
> 
> I'm 41 years old. I've been in long term relationships for probably 20 years of those 41 years and I've NEVER cheated. I haven't even dated two women at the same time casually because I refuse to do that.
> 
> ...


I'm with Dad&Hubby on this one. I was in an awful marriage, sexless for four years and never cheated. I had plenty of opportunities, some as blatant as he described, and I never strayed. Going a bit farther, I never really gave the opportunities a second thought, so was not really even tempted. I have talked to people about the situation, and it's one of those things where yeah, it would have been wrong, but the majority out there would have completely understood if I had...still didn't.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Apparently, handling firearms is a guaranteed aphrodisiac.

OP, I think you should dig deeper. What he said to you is disrespectful. Is he unhappy with the marriage or worse, does he already have his eye on someone? Ever thought about joining him at the shooting range? do they go for a drink afterwards, join him then.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

we are only hearing one side of the story. With that said how often do you guys actually have sex? and do you put effort into showing him that you desire sex or are you of the ilk that he has to start things and you can just shoot him down. 

do you care what he likes sexually and dose he make an effort to be a good love for you. 

this is a warning sign a red flag that more effort needs to be put into your married sex life. 


thats how I would resd it. the ball is in your court.

so tell us do you try your best to keep your man saitiated sexually?

and dose he do his best on keeping his woman feeling safe and secure (minus the poor comment about being horney the other day) are your day to day needs being met? sounds like his are not sex is a need for most guys not just sex when the sun and stars are aligined I mean the I really want my husband kinda sex. whens the last time that happened?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sounds like the guy forgot he was talking to his wife and not his buddies. Guys say some stupid things when their little head is in charge.

He knows there are no guarantees in life so he felt safe in throwing that out there. Let him know he needs to make you feel safe in your marriage and you have no intention of following him out to the gun range to be on hand if he should be this overcome by gunpowder, again. sheesh, what a twit.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

The gun range got him horny? Spare me. He's being a jerk. I'm so sorry he hurt your feelings, OP. I agree it sounds like he's setting up the whole BoyMan routine so that when (not if) he cheats, he can say "But I tollllld yooooou! I just can't handle it!" as his excuse. 

Is he always this dramatic?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow, either he's very honest or very stupid!


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

The fact that your husband would even think it's okay to say something like that to you in the first place smack of such complete and utter disrespect. It's so low class and tacky. Ewww. I can't. There are just no words...except sorry.


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## grn (Jun 4, 2015)

Ha. Obvious noob here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell him you can't guarantee that you won't chop his ding ding off and feed it to dogs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Dead thread*.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

grn said:


> Ha. Obvious noob here.


A lot of noobs resurrect dead threads. It's almost a Rite of Passage. :smile2:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)




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