# I'm DONE!



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband and I got married when I was just 17 and he was 19. It will be 20 yrs this Sept.

We have 3 children: ages 20, 18 and 13

There are alot of things that my husband has said or done over the years that I am just beginning to realise were emotionally abusive. 

But in the last year my thoughts of leaving him have grown more and more...

A year ago we had a huge blow-up about money. We have the same blow up about every 2 yrs.

When money is tight, I am late paying bills (or I use the CC without discussing with him). I have an extremely difficult time talking to him. He finds out...we fight...I feel like the lowest dog ever 

He was not sooo upset (about the money), but said "I hate to bring this up, but I still have a hard time believing _______ is my daughter" (He has been sure for all of our daughters 18 yr life that she is not his, but has never wanted to get a paternity test. I have NEVER been with anyone else since we met in High School) Why is it necessary for him to bring this up?

He is constantly talking of new jobs near our family (We currently live on the opposite side of the country from them), but there is always a reason for us not to go. I miss my mom and my friends. I was feeling so depressed that I started and antidepressant.

He says it is my fault that we have not moved back yet.

He has never been a very good father. He is not close with any of our children, and they will retreat to their bedrooms most times he comes home.

I find myself saying so often...I have to ask your dad, or we'll have to see what dad wants, or dad is on his way home ~ he will turn off a movie if we start it.

I always invisioned a man with our child on his shoulders. He only wants them grown and gone. He complains that they only destroy our home and furniture...What will happen when we have grandchildren?

My oldest child says he has given up on a relationship with his father...and has stopped waiting for him to say "I am proud of you".

There is way to much to post here...but I feel as if my eyes have finally opened and I should move on. To live the life I used to envision and find out who I am without him.

Advice is appreciated...


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

hey ohio, sorry to hear-you sound so sad!!!  You didnt give a lot of info-but here are some ideas. lol, here, you will always hear " have you tried marriage councelling?" its always a good place to start when you are in limbo. if he doesnt want to go then you go and try to get clairity. Personally-i think you need to speak up and tell him-look, im really not happy, im thinking this relationship is getting beyond fixable, im thinking of leaving..... I've had my "other" ask me about the paternity thing-once (and thats all i tolerated) - he was the only one for me as well and i said you either do a test or never talk to me about it again-it hurts my feelings and if you think that LOW of me then maybe you should find someone else. I totally get the good role model thing. my other actually has "tantrums" and he's 34 years old! Both my kids act up and my son has told me when he was 3 years old that his father is mean and scares him. I want/wanted... more like you do, unfortunatly we cant fix the past, just be there for our kids as much as we can. I also think that maybe you should start looking for a job nearer your family-just to even see what is there. start looking forward and try to make yourself happy. you deserve it. Good luck- and know someone is sending positive thoughts in your direction!! :smthumbup:


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks e.dawne for the comments...it helps to have them from someone who deosn't have a stake in the relationship.

A yr. ago, when we had the last blow-up he suggested counseling. I told him I wanted him to have his own as well (He has been diagnosed with anxiety problems ~ that is a whole other story. But due to some of the jobs he has applied for, he doesn't want to attend counseling.) He said ok. We saw a marriage counselor for about 6 months. 

When I mentioned it again a few months ago he said he doesn't think we need the counselor any longer.

My husband's "tantrums" are centered around our oldest child...who is 20 and in his second yr. in college.

The oldest is in the kitchen when he wants to get ready for work...there go the remotes flying across the room

The oldest is sitting in the family room with the family doing homework on his laptop...my husband goes to our room. I asked what happened, he ignores me. I ask again, he says "you mean you don't know?" I said "If I did I wouldn't ask." He says "I can't watch anything with the tap tap tap going on. It doesn't bother you?" I said no. He says "Well, then I'm a hostage in my own home" I left the room and 10 minutes later he came downstairs, grabbed his keys, etc and left the house. He was only gone about 10 minutes...but I know the whole exercise was to make me feel bad.

At this point I just feel like there is no trust from him either...I had a office function back in February. It was in another city about 3 hrs away, there was dinner/dancing/fake gambling that evening and rooms were available for the night. I was so excited because I'd never been able to go away for business before. I mentioned it many months before hand. With just a few days to go, he decided he didn't want to leave the kids home alone overnight while we were 3 hrs away. So he said, you go. I'm sure you guys will go to a strip club or something. I am not the clubbing type and my office mate is 4 months pregnant. We did the dinner (I spent the entire gambling time with my boss's girlfriend, learning to play craps) and slept over, sharing a room. When I spoke to him before the dinner he was pouting...when I spoke to him after the dinner he was pouting.

When I got home the next morning...he would barely speak to me. He asked if I danced with anyone...I don't dance.

He said I didn't really want him to go because I didn't ask our youngest son's friends parents if they would keep him overnight.

I have a hair appt. on a Saturday morning, and he says I don't want to spend time with him. I am expected to spend all my time with him on the weekend, UGH

I have been looking at jobs near my family and homes for rent...

I have been looking at schools for myself...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

What you describe is really a sad story all around. One day, do you think your husband will wake up, alone and estranged from his children, and suddenly ask himself how he could have been so foolish? And your kids... its just horrible that they couldn't have a father who was their greatest motivator in life.

The paternity question is the one that really, really stands out. There is some serious issues going on in his head.

I guess you probably know that one of your personal challenges will be to try to reset yourself in a sense. Going into a future relationship, if that's the path you choose, I sense through your words that you would like to build a great relationship, but the past has probably caused you to shield yourself, and maybe led you, through the abuse, to see it as a me versus you relationship. I really hope you can free yourself and find that happiness.

My kids are a little older than yours. My wife suffers from mental illness, but she was a great mother in their youth. Now, however, they tend to cling to me. I'm the one that shows them that they can do anything. Not trying to say I was perfect though. Still, to hear them come home from a bad day at college, and tell my wife that they need some sit-down time with me to feel better is simply the best feeling as a dad. We still have our weekly date nights, and I'm in no hurry to be replaced by a significant other.

Regarding school for yourself - if you haven't checked into it, it may be worth investigating potential state programs for people starting over. My mother did this years ago, finding a program for divorced and single mothers. I know that only a few states have them, but sometimes advisors at local community colleges will speak to you if you make an appointment.

I'm hoping you keep the courage to stay true to your vision for your desired future.


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien, I've often asked myself that same question...as have many others As much as I hate to say it, I don't think so. My biggest fear is that the kids will grow up, get married, have kids and my husband will never want the family around.

As I've said, we married very young. At the time, my husband wanted only to work and hang out with friends playing pool and video games. I spent alot of time with my mom. He has said that he wouldn't blame me if I had cheated...has actually begged me to admit it. That it would make things easier for us to start over. I have never cheated...would never cheat.

I know it's easy to say this now, but I have no interest in another relationship ever.

I had alot of physical/emotional abuse when I was growing up...you would think I would have seen the emotional abuse I've gone thru over the years. It took a counseling appointment to open my eyes.

I just finished reading "Too good to leave, to bad to stay".

One of the things that makes me stay is he is not always like this...we have fun going out to eat (although we can never find much to talk about), we like to drive (although I almost always fall asleep)

My life has been my kids, and to have him just want them gone...it HURTS me.

Thanks for all your advice...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

OhioGirl said:


> Thanks e.dawne for the comments...it helps to have them from someone who deosn't have a stake in the relationship.
> 
> A yr. ago, when we had the last blow-up he suggested counseling. I told him I wanted him to have his own as well (He has been diagnosed with anxiety problems ~ that is a whole other story. But due to some of the jobs he has applied for, he doesn't want to attend counseling.) He said ok. We saw a marriage counselor for about 6 months.
> 
> ...


No advice - just someone who is in the same boat as you. Oldest daughter (his step) away at school and all I hear are complaints about power, water and food she uses when home. Now my teenage son is annoying him because he eats too much. I hate my home - it's not what I wanted for my kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Golfergirl...

I am sorry that you are in this same position. The way my H behaves, you would think these kids are his steps. No, they are his flesh and blood.

I am just a few weeks from telling my H that I am leaving. Do you think of it sometimes?

I wonder if I am just focusing on the bad things and not thinking of the good.


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

hey ohio! it seems like you have a plan in action, and that is good. maybe you can make another home where the kids will be welcome and appreciated. My "other" yells at the kids-mostly my adhd 7yo, makes him cry almost everyday. i think if my kids were older and he was still that way- i would leave in a heartbeat. as it sits, im formulating an exit plan as well. maybe an idea is instead of thinking about the negative- think about all the fun, adventures and connection with your kids, you will have when you are on your own. it seems like he is at the stage where he knows you are unhappy- so he makes it all seem like your fault, and he is the one thats "put upon" dont believe it for a second. Just make yourself happy, do things for yourself and make sure you are happy. GOOD LUCK!!!! :smthumbup:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My ex was always extremely negative aout everything and pouted and punished (well, tried to) me for having fun. It was a big part of why I left. He also wanted the kids to be a certain way and, when they failed to live up to his expectations, he was not nice to them. I realized that nothing mattered to him except HOW THINGS AFFECT HIM, and as long as that was good, he was fine. He took no pleasure in my pleasure in life, or his kids. He wanted us to be symbols of what a great person he was, and anything we did that deviated from that was unacceptable. 

Now, you have some issues I cannot personally imagine tolerating. He holds this daughter's birth history over your head and then refuses to resolve it? That is pure and simple emotional manipulation and you have been wrong to tolerate it. Seriously, many women would say, "you either get that test or shut up about it. I'm leaving if you bring it up again." He created the situation to torture you and you let him. I wonder how this all makes the daughter feel? 

Discuss separation and divorce with him. You need to let him know that this is where you are heading. *Maybe* further counseling will make a difference if he knows how you feel, but ultimately you have to decide what is best for you and your children. Remember that if you divorce, the youngest will probably have to be alone with dad up to 1/2 the time (depending on the divorce agreement). How will that work? Check with an attorney to find out if the 13 year old will have a say in where s/he wants to be, though. And do not try to sway the kids against their father; it is best to leave it to them to work out for themselves. Your youngest may be swayed by his siblings, but s/he should not be swayed against his dad by you; that can really back fire. Be sure the kids get counseling if the lack of good fathering seems to have hurt them--as, perhaps, your eldest has expressed. They might get past this hurt on their own, but it's more likely they'll need help to do so without it taking forever.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

OhioGirl said:


> Golfergirl...
> 
> I am sorry that you are in this same position. The way my H behaves, you would think these kids are his steps. No, they are his flesh and blood.
> 
> ...


I dream of leaving. I just don't want my two babies (age 3 and 4 months) in his care without protection as he can be emotionally abusive to them as well. We are going to counseling and hopefully that helps make things tolerable. If not, financially I do have the means to make it on my own and I'm not afraid of parenting on my own. I'm trying to fight the fight but know the day may come when I've had it. I wish you luck please keep posting, your strength gives me strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your positive feedback...and good wishes.

Sister, I do not believe that my daughter knows that my H doubts her paternity. This is not to say that she doesn't feel that he sometimes treats her differently. I am sure she does. You are right, I should never have let it come this far.

I came from a physically and emotionally abusive home. But it never occured to me that this was happening in my marriage, until our MC brought it up to me. I started looking back at the events in our marriage, and my eyes were opened.

Believe me...I feel like a horrible parent for allowing my H to treat his own children this way.

Thing is when it's someone outside of our home that hurts my children, I am a mama bear ready to do battle...when it's my H, I find myself backing down.

I questioned him one day about how he would treat our 13 yr old when he is his brothers age...

He gave me this look, like I was stupid and said to me "Do you hear what you are asking me?" I replied that I did and that I was concerned. His reply" Do you know what these kids are doing to our house? They destroy everything!" Like this is an excuse.

I get physical pain when I see the look that is on my baby's face when his father says something mean... 

I won't last in this house much longer.


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