# Opposites attract... or do they...?



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

My husband and I seem like we're complete opposites. I'm more outgoing, upbeat, easy going. He's more strict, serious, etc. Lately, I honestly do wonder why we got married, but something just has me drawn to him.... Anyone else experience this...? If so, what's your story?

As you can tell from some of my other posts, we've had our share of drama and all kinds of other stuff.... Just trying to figure some things out  

Thanks!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was attracted to my opposite, married him, had kids with him but in the end the differences were just too great.

Am now with a man that is far more compatible and am much happier.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

compatibility is what keeps you together imo, especially in terms of values


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I love the man to death... But, sometimes I also feel like I'm the only on trying in this relationship. I know things change and people change. Just kinda crazy I guess... He's not very intimate or affectionate, and I am. Sometimes he'll push my aside when I try to hug him... and that just breaks my heart. I just feel like every time he pushes me away physically, he pushes me away altogether, if that makes sense.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Actually, the old adage that "opposites attract" isn't borne out by research. Numerous studies would suggest that we are in fact attracted to people who are_ similar_ to ourselves. According to Steven Duck, Ph.d, this is due to the fact that seeing the world in a similar way to someone else makes it easier to interact.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I'm more inclined to a like attracts like mindset, but who knows. Compatibility and shared interests seems like it would work over the long term. But I've heard of successful couples who claim to be opposites.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> I love the man to death... But, sometimes I also feel like I'm the only on trying in this relationship. I know things change and people change. Just kinda crazy I guess... He's not very intimate or affectionate, and I am. Sometimes he'll push my aside when I try to hug him... and that just breaks my heart. I just feel like every time he pushes me away physically, he pushes me away altogether, if that makes sense.


Oh I can totally relate to this. In the end is was our completely opposite need (or lack of need on his part) for intimacy and affection that drove us apart. It broke my heart to be rejected time and time again. 
I wish there was something constructive I could add, I wish you all the best.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

kipani said:


> compatibility is what keeps you together imo, especially in terms of values


I agree with the above statement.



fallen_angel said:


> I love the man to death... But, sometimes I also feel like I'm the only on trying in this relationship. I know things change and people change. Just kinda crazy I guess... He's not very intimate or affectionate, and I am. Sometimes he'll push my aside when I try to hug him... and that just breaks my heart. I just feel like every time he pushes me away physically, he pushes me away altogether, if that makes sense.


This is just sad. I really feel this in my heart. I am not saying this will happen in your case. I've seen the following happen many times on this site. Folks come here feeling like you. They are broken due to complications with suggestions and their home life. They come back and are hardened. It may be the only way. I don't know yet. I hope your situation works out well.

I guess both of my wives were more aggressive than me. I never thought my second wife was. I tried my best to avoid that since I had already gone that route. Somehow, I know it wasn't difficult, she did. I thought I was seeing her for who she was. Somehow along the way, the person I met, dated and married the second time, turned out more like my first wife. Pretty difficult to continue to be the person she married.

I think we have to be similar in all areas. I think we have to work together in our quest to be better individuals. I think if we work together toward the same goal, at the same time, we will be fine.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

He claims it's all the meds he's on. He's got an appointment with his doc later this month to try to get things figured out. Hopefully he does. I can't live like this forever. We both deserve better. 

Thank you for the replies.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

The old saying that "oppposites attract" has been shown to be false, where it is more true to say "birds of a feather flock together" in that we are more likely to fall for someone similar to ourselves. I remember reading about all of it in some of the psychology classes I took. I dated guys who were pretty much "opposite" of me, but we never would have worked out. My husband is very similar to myself and some would say he is the male version of me. I am very blessed to have a great relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I married someone very similar to me so I don't buy that opposites attract either.

My best friend married her opposite and they are divorced now. She's all bubbly, outgoing and extroverted. He's moody, negative, few friends, and a homebody. Yeah that didn't work out so well.


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## MuleM (Nov 13, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> I love the man to death... But, sometimes I also feel like I'm the only on trying in this relationship. I know things change and people change. Just kinda crazy I guess... He's not very intimate or affectionate, and I am. Sometimes he'll push my aside when I try to hug him... and that just breaks my heart. I just feel like every time he pushes me away physically, he pushes me away altogether, if that makes sense.



I can relate to your story. In my marriage we mesh perfectly in some ways and couldn't be more different in others. For the most part we seem to be opposites. 

If he says it's because of the meds, I'd believe it. If it's been going on for a long time on the other hand, do you know what his parents were like as far as affection? If he grew up with a strict or standoffish family, that could be a factor. You could try giving him lots of personal space--be affectionate in other ways, just don't make the first move physically for a while and see if it helps take the pressure off. He may come to you a lot more on his own if you give him freedom to make decisions about the timing of such things. Good luck.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> My husband and I seem like we're complete opposites. I'm more outgoing, upbeat, easy going. He's more strict, serious, etc. Lately, I honestly do wonder why we got married, but something just has me drawn to him.... Anyone else experience this...? If so, what's your story?
> 
> As you can tell from some of my other posts, we've had our share of drama and all kinds of other stuff.... Just trying to figure some things out
> 
> Thanks!


Opposites may attract but people with similar goals and aspirations endure. Eventually there has to be things that a couple do together and both enjoy. There are also showstoppers like if the couple wants a family or not and how they manager their money.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

This is an ongoing problem in many marriages. While opposites attract, we often divorce over the very thing that first attracted us.
The extrovert finds the introvert, the cognitive person is attracted to the emotional person. We find in the other what is missing in us.
For healthy couples this can be a complementary relationship or it can become highly problematic. Healthy couples recognize the differences, learn each other's languages, and focus on acceptance of the other instead of trying to change the other. Sometimes taking a Myers Briggs personality inventory can be a helpful couple exercise, and then focus on how to adapt to the differences and build on them.
David Olsen, PhD, LMFT, author, The Couples Survival Workbook


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Opposites attract... or do they...?


Depends - Opposites in what ....

*1.* Temperament (Introvert marries Extrovert)
*2*. Love Languages (Touch ~ Time ~ Acts of Service ~ Gifts ~ Words of Affirmation)
*3.* Beliefs / Religion (Catholic marries an Atheist)- then they have kids
*4.* Traditional views Marriage (wife staying home) vs Modern -Wife working
*5*. Political - Republican marries Democrat
*6.* Partier marries a Homebody
*7.* One dreams of being a Parent - the others sees a Prison sentence 
*8.* Spender who lives for the moment marries a thrifty Saver -thinking of the future
*9*. Clean freak marries a Messy 
*10*.







A High Driver marries a Low Driver - often leads to hurt & resentment .
*11.* Hopeless Romantic marries one who spits on Romance, sees it all as overrated, unnecessary fairy tale BS. 

All of the above have the posibility to cause a WAR within a marriage...

But if you have a good # of those in agreement...you may find it more workable....

This is where me & mine are Opposite... I married a man who is a SUPERB match for what I am... we ARE opposite in temperament... I am a *Choleric* (extroverted, assertive, likes to get things done NOW, I can be brash at times-if I am not careful, not the most patient woman around...this has it's good & it's bad believe me)... 

....and I married a sweet Loving patient Laid back* Phlegmatic* man (calm, dry sense of humor, easier to please, naturally more passive , introverted)... .

Our secondary temperament is both *Melancholy* so in this way... we share some of the same. But when taking temperament tests, he virtually has 0 Choleric in him and I have hardly any Phlegmatic in me. We couldn't be further apart. I've read articles that said often these 2 make a good match for marriage though - attracting to each other. Because his strengths are MY weaknesses & My strengths are HIS weaknesses ...we seem to admire this --even NEED it in each other... So when we come together.. we make a glorious whole. 

Explaining the 4 temperaments HERE 

My personal thread on this here with test links >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html

Where we are NOT opposite is... our Love Languages are in the same order.... our goals, hopes, dreams, beliefs, values, we're both homebodies, how we spend $$, both wanted a family, how to raise them..bla bla bla...basically all of the above on that list.... Even Politically we are both Independents. We messed it up in the Sex area missing each other but found we are the same in this as well -after opening the dialog ~ finally. 

So on the Introvert/ Extrovert front, I feel this can be very healthy....so long as we strive to understand why the other is the way they are. But never underestimate *Compatibility* on these other important issues. 

If I married a man with MY temperament, I don't feel it would fair as well... and if my husband married a woman as laid back as himself ...likely pretty uneventful ...he needs me to REV him up and I need him to calm me down sometimes. It works very well for us.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Me and my husband are opposites in some way, but similar in others. I'm more assertive and expressive and he's more passive, but then we are both introverts and prefer a calm lifestyle. We both love similar stuffs, have similar goals and beliefs and so on.

In the end, the opposite traits can balance and complement each other (or sometimes annoy each other), but our similarities keeps us together.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Been there and done that, and I'm here to tell you, It wont endure. Yeah, its great for a while, but compatibility is everything. In the end, you'll just end up growing apart, might take 5 to 10 years, but it will happen.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Depends - Opposites in what ....
> 
> *1.* Temperament (Introvert marries Extrovert)
> *2*. Love Languages (Touch ~ Time ~ Acts of Service ~ Gifts ~ Words of Affirmation)
> ...


I was waiting, I knew you'd answer this one!


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