# Love addiction… Limerence



## NY152 (10 mo ago)

My husband confessed to me that he’s in love with somebody else… He was very sad, tearful, very remorseful and asking for forgiveness…and yet he tells me that he will not stop seeing her. I was totally shocked! He tells me he accepts whatever I decide. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 sons (10, 8, and 2) and I couldn’t believe he’s willing to throw his life away (us, his family, parents/bro/sis, his religion, everything). He’s totally addicted to this experience. I just recently learned about what Limerence is, and the description fits him - his obsession about it and total disregard of what he used to believe, and his belief that he can’t be happy unless he’s with her. 
My world has just suddenly turned upside down. I feel so empty and alone.
I told him I will leave (w/the kids), but it pains me deeply to leave him. I wanted to save our marriage, but he’s not even going to try. I believe he’s just going to get hurt down the road and I don’t want to see that. But if I stay, I’ll only be hurting myself.
Any thoughts?


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

What makes it harder is that I can’t leave right away. I have to wait til school ends. I have to endure another 3 months knowing he’s seeing another woman (she lives out of state, but has been coming like every month or 2). 
We’ll have to keep the real reason from the kids - tell them I found work somewhere else, but their daddy will have to stay. I want to save our marriage but it all seems so hopeless.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Is he asking for an open marriage?

And why should you leave? Why would he not leave?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Is she married? If so you should inform her husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

NY152 said:


> My husband confessed to me that he’s in love with somebody else… He was very sad, tearful, very remorseful and asking for forgiveness…and yet he tells me that he will not stop seeing her. I was totally shocked! He tells me he accepts whatever I decide. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 sons (10, 8, and 2) and I couldn’t believe he’s willing to throw his life away (us, his family, parents/bro/sis, his religion, everything). He’s totally addicted to this experience. I just recently learned about what Limerence is, and the description fits him - his obsession about it and total disregard of what he used to believe, and his belief that he can’t be happy unless he’s with her.
> My world has just suddenly turned upside down. I feel so empty and alone.
> I told him I will leave (w/the kids), but it pains me deeply to leave him. I wanted to save our marriage, but he’s not even going to try. I believe he’s just going to get hurt down the road and I don’t want to see that. But if I stay, I’ll only be hurting myself.
> Any thoughts?


You alone cannot save the marriage. Drop that hopium pipe. 
No one can make you a chump but you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Expose him to everyone.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

His parents live with us. I’d prefer to be the one to leave. I have a place to go - at my sister’s house 200 miles away.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

I’m guessing she’s divorced.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

What good will exposing him to everyone do? but create more anger/bitterness in him


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

NY152 said:


> His parents live with us. I’d prefer to be the one to leave. I have a place to go - at my sister’s house 200 miles away.


Do his parents know? Why do they live with you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am so sad for you. 
In your place I would sadly have to end the marriage because he wont stop the affair. However if I could afford it I would stay locally because that is where you life is, that is where your friends are, and maybe church, that is where your children's life is and if you move 200miles away how will the children see him? It will be enough for them to not have their dad (and grandparents) living there but to have to leave their schools and friends and not see him would be far more devastating for them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I’m also sad for you @NY152 
I suggest you get a lawyer pretty quick to start the process. Depending on your local laws, this may benefit you to start a formal separation right away. You can likely have an in-house separation so you can stay there in your home until later. But the bigger point is the lawyer will advise you in the steps you should take to prepare for the divorce.

Telling his parents would seem like a _must_ since you’re living with them. There’s no way to hide that kind of a thing for so long is there? And besides, they will know eventually…. why wait?

You should confirm if the AP has a SO because if she does then telling them is simply the right thing to do. Granted it will make your hubby upset, but it’s not right to let another person live a lie like this. How did it make you feel?

I‘m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Unfortunately, your husband is not the man you thought and coming to that realization is a very hard thing. Take care of yourself and your kids, try to keep them protected from this emotional nuclear bomb you were given.

Best of luck to you.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

His parents doesn’t know yet. We plan on telling them maybe in the next 2 months, before school year ends. He doesn’t want to, yet. And I don’t think I’m ready yet, although a part of me tells me we should tell them already. It’s gonna be painful😣


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NY152 said:


> His parents doesn’t know yet. We plan on telling them maybe in the next 2 months, before school year ends. He doesn’t want to, yet. And I don’t think I’m ready yet, although a part of me tells me we should tell them already. It’s gonna be painful😣


EVERYTHING about this will be painful. It‘s part of the consequences of adultery and divorce.

Just be brave, find your strength, and take one step forward. Then pause, rest, think about things, and take another step. Repeat until this is in your rear view mirror.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

Thank you for your empathetic words.. My kids are used to going to my sisters and they enjoy the company of their cousins there. Altho it’s far, it’s only about a 3-hr drive. 
My sister and my brother’s family are there and they always go on outings/trips. Something that we rarely do here. I’m sure my sons will enjoy it there. The only thing is, their dad would mostly be absent.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

This has been the most painful thing for me. I didn’t expect unfathomable pain. I know our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but I never expected it was this bad already. I think I am really just grieving for us and what we could’ve been. I know I’ll have a lot of support from my family. But it is painful to still be here, us in one house, me still wanting us to be together, and knowing that’s impossible now.
Thank you all for your replies. This really helps a lot because I haven’t told anybody about it. I’m just keeping it all inside. Thank you, thank you 🙏


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NY152 said:


> This has been the most painful thing for me. I didn’t expect unfathomable pain. I know our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but I never expected it was this bad already. I think I am really just grieving for us and what we could’ve been. I know I’ll have a lot of support from my family. But it is painful to still be here, us in one house, me still wanting us to be together, and knowing that’s impossible now.
> Thank you all for your replies. This really helps a lot because I haven’t told anybody about it. I’m just keeping it all inside. Thank you, thank you 🙏


Grief is exactly what this is. And there’s just no shortcut to get through it.

But you shouldn’t keep it to yourself… tell your family and friends so that they can support you through this. Do that right away and let these people love you.

Take care of yourself and your kids now, work on getting detached from the miserable man that used to be your safe place. He’s not that anymore, and maybe never really was.

Don’t beat yourself up… no one’s marriage is perfect. But that’s _never_ a reason to cheat. This is 100% on your husband, not you. He is the one who decided go outside the marriage. That was his choice, not yours. 😟


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

Thank you. I know I keep telling myself that he’s the one who chose not to solve our problems. 
But I also have accepted my role in how I pushed him away — every time i go visit my family (2-3 nights), i guess he felt abandoned. He used to come with me, then eventually he stopped coming because he said he feels left out. Now he tells me that my family was like this other guy that he always has to compete with for me. And he says I don’t listen to him, that it’s always what I want (this I don’t agree bcoz I always go with what he wants, mostly). To sum, I have hurt his feelings all these years whenever I go to my family’s, and it has made him very bitter and resentful. Now this I understand fully now why he has become so bitter. I did push him away. And this is why I can forgive him. But not for this choice he made.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NY152 said:


> Thank you. I know I keep telling myself that he’s the one who chose not to solve our problems.
> But I also have accepted my role in how I pushed him away — every time i go visit my family (2-3 nights), i guess he felt abandoned. He used to come with me, then eventually he stopped coming because he said he feels left out. Now he tells me that my family was like this other guy that he always has to compete with for me. And he says I don’t listen to him, that it’s always what I want (this I don’t agree bcoz I always go with what he wants, mostly). To sum, I have hurt his feelings all these years whenever I go to my family’s, and it has made him very bitter and resentful. Now this I understand fully now why he has become so bitter. I did push him away. And this is why I can forgive him. But not for this choice he made.


One thing.. Do _not_ believe what he tells you about the reasons excuses for his affair. Cheaters will re-write your marital history and try to blame you for the affair. It’s all lies. If there were problems, he should have talked to you. He will try to justify his stupidity any way he can, including blaming you.

But I’m glad you see the point… yes there were shared problems in the marriage and maybe you’re no angel. But, he chose to do this. That’s on him.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Forget about being nice to him in any way. I think you should flat out call him out today when he gets home from work whether his parents are there or not. Flat out say I want our marriage and family to work. But if you are in love with another lady and won't end it, then you need to pack up your stuff and be out of here tonight. Then tell him that he should expect to be served with papers soon and you are going for the house since the kids need a place, child support, spousal support, legal fees, and primary custody of the children. Also tell him that he will need to inform his parents that they will need to make other living arrangements ASAP.

After saying all of this, tell him good luck with the new lady. Then start making phone calls to divorce attorneys to setup a consultation with him in the room.

All of this will probably scare the hell out of him and maybe the marriage can be salvaged.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*





NY152 said:



My husband confessed to me that he’s in love with somebody else… He was very sad, tearful, very remorseful and asking for forgiveness…and yet he tells me that he will not stop seeing her. I was totally shocked! He tells me he accepts whatever I decide. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 sons (10, 8, and 2) and I couldn’t believe he’s willing to throw his life away (us, his family, parents/bro/sis, his religion, everything). He’s totally addicted to this experience. I just recently learned about what Limerence is, and the description fits him - his obsession about it and total disregard of what he used to believe, and his belief that he can’t be happy unless he’s with her.
My world has just suddenly turned upside down. I feel so empty and alone.
I told him I will leave (w/the kids), but it pains me deeply to leave him. I wanted to save our marriage, but he’s not even going to try.

Click to expand...



Click to expand...

*Stop confusing SELFISHNESS for "remorse."

Mr. Wonderful wants to continue letting YOU be his servant while he dates his girlfriend. Lucky, lucky you!!

That has *NOTHING* to do with remorse and everything to do with him being a huge piece of selfish, self-serving garbage.

*



I believe he’s just going to get hurt down the road and I don’t want to see that. But if I stay, I’ll only be hurting myself.

Click to expand...

*The fact that this guy has literally sh!t ALL OVER YOU - and you're *still* all concerned about Romeo getting hurt by his side-piece - is a clear indication of extreme co-dependency.

See a professional. It would be a very good idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's possible that he may leave to be with her at some point anyway 
Adultery causes so many painful ripples. His parents will probably be devastated to loose their grandchildren as well. 
Is the OW married?

I do think the older 2 children will need to be told the truth. They are old enough. 

Is the house in joint names? If so it can be sold so you can buy another place.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> Is he asking for an open marriage?
> 
> And why should you leave? Why would he not leave?


yes, exactly.
HE needs to leave (the house)


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

NY152 said:


> Thank you. I know I keep telling myself that he’s the one who chose not to solve our problems.
> But I also have accepted my role in how I pushed him away — every time i go visit my family (2-3 nights), i guess he felt abandoned. He used to come with me, then eventually he stopped coming because he said he feels left out. Now he tells me that my family was like this other guy that he always has to compete with for me. And he says I don’t listen to him, that it’s always what I want (this I don’t agree bcoz I always go with what he wants, mostly). To sum, I have hurt his feelings all these years whenever I go to my family’s, and it has made him very bitter and resentful. Now this I understand fully now why he has become so bitter. I did push him away. And this is why I can forgive him. But not for this choice he made.


He is blame shifting to you in order to make himself feel justified. Don't fall for it. The reality is he is selfish and has chosen every step of the way to do what he wants without consideration for what it will do to his family. 

You should tell his parents ASAP. They should know what is going on before he can twist the narrative to paint himself as some kind of victim, when the only victims are you and the kids.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NY152 said:


> Now he tells me that my family was like this other guy that he always has to compete with for me.


This other guy, was he a friend?

I’m really sorry it’s come to this, it sounds like he’s really upset about it and so are you… difficult situation for you and the kids and it can’t be easy living with his parents either. Did they interfere much in the marriage?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> This other guy, was he a friend?
> 
> I’m really sorry it’s come to this, it sounds like he’s really upset about it and so are you… difficult situation for you and the kids and it can’t be easy living with his parents either. Did they interfere much in the marriage?


Her husband is trying to equate her family to being the OM. Total load of crap.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Dump the bum. He's not a love addict, he's an a*#hole.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

No, his parents never interfered with our marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NY152 said:


> What makes it harder is that I can’t leave right away. I have to wait til school ends. I have to endure another 3 months knowing he’s seeing another woman (she lives out of state, but has been coming like every month or 2).
> We’ll have to keep the real reason from the kids - tell them I found work somewhere else, but their daddy will have to stay. I want to save our marriage but it all seems so hopeless.


First, you DO NOT have to keep this a secret. You can give them an age-appropriate description. If very young, it can be a simple "Daddy has another girlfriend which shouldn't happen when he is married to me, so we are no longer going to be married". Showing your kids that you won't put up with this type of thing is a good lesson for them in relationships.

Also, is this other woman married/bf? If so, contact them (w/o your husband knowing) and tell them what is going on.
Does SHE know that your husband is actually married? He could be lying to her also...

VERY sorry that you are going through this. Get to a good shark lawyer. If he is going to through it all away, make him pay for it. Also, don't hide this from his/your family, etc.. Let them know exactly why you are divorcing him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NY152 said:


> His parents doesn’t know yet. We plan on telling them maybe in the next 2 months, before school year ends. He doesn’t want to, yet. And I don’t think I’m ready yet, although a part of me tells me we should tell them already. It’s gonna be painful😣


So what if he doesn't want that -- you don't want him cheating on you either, and HE doesn't seem to care, so why do you?
TELL his parents NOW.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I understand that you are in shock, but for crying out loud, snap out of it and start getting your ducks in a row. You have your kids to think about , so LAWYER, LAWYER UP, like yesterday. Before you do anything you need to know where you legally stand in a divorce. If the affair partner is married, you need to let the husband know, it's not only morally right, but the right thing to do; also, it helps to make the cheating partner get out limerence, and burst his bubble. Lawyers normally want you to do this after the divorce agreement has been signed by all parties to avoid unnecessary pettiness and conflits, so depending on where you legally and economically stand, wait to expose, or do it right away. 

is this his house?, his parents? or both of you house? if the house belongs to you both, do not leave until you get your lawyer's OK. You need to think of the legalities of taking the children out of state, if your sister lives out of state.

Stop with the penitent self-blaming role. Your role in the dissolution of the marriage is not an excuse for him to cheat, that's on him, and him only. Start doing what you need to do now.


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

Wow, thank you for all the advice 😊 some are hard to swallow but I guess I need some gut-punching. Although I know my husband is blame-shifting to justify his actions, it is hard to believe this on someone you thought you loved for the last 12 yrs of your life.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NY152 said:


> Wow, thank you for all the advice 😊 some are hard to swallow but I guess I need some gut-punching. Although I know my husband is blame-shifting to justify his actions, it is hard to believe this on someone you thought you loved for the last 12 yrs of your life.


My “gut-punches” as you put it will have a little more padding than Rob’s but the message is the same.

You have a new normal now. You didn’t cause it, you don’t want it, but guess what…it’s here.
I know it’s hard, but you have to stop thinking of your husband now. In fact, start calling him ex-husband. or cheating-bast…, or something likewise fitting. he is not who you thought he was. Now he is the enemy.

Pick yourself up, wipe off the dust, and find your anger. This will empower you to do everything else you need to do and then some.

Best of luck to you NY, you can do this. It’s hard…but you can. We all had to do it too, you’re among friends. Friends with bats, sure…but friends


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> *and find your anger.*


Quite right here. Find your anger and channel it positively toward your cause. I know that I'm generalizing, but women in general more than men, tend to gather their anger and use it almost right away when jilted by their partner. anger is a very potent motivator to do what you need to do, just channel it wisely.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

NY152 said:


> Wow, thank you for all the advice 😊 some are hard to swallow but I guess I need some gut-punching. Although I know my husband is blame-shifting to justify his actions, it is hard to believe this on someone you thought you loved for the last 12 yrs of your life.


We promise, these gut punches are well-meaning and meant to keep you thinking with your brain and not with your heart. After all, many of us have been in that exact same position at one point.

Anger is a great motivator. Channel it but don’t let it consume you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The unfortunate thing is that you have an IMAGE of who he is -- but that's really not him.


NY152 said:


> Wow, thank you for all the advice 😊 some are hard to swallow but I guess I need some gut-punching. Although I know my husband is blame-shifting to justify his actions, it is hard to believe this on someone you thought you loved for the last 12 yrs of your life.


The shame is that you have an IMAGE of who he is -- that is who you were in love with. He has now shown you who he REALLY is -- so open your eyes, take off the rose colored glasses, and then make your decisions based on reality. I know it's hard. It sucks, but he has shown you the real him, so you need to make sure you protect yourself...


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

The house is not ours, it’s his brother’s (flip houses. I’m actually glad it’s not our house. We were planning to get our own house in the next 3 yrs. But all that’s gone now. 
I never knew about co-dependency before. I never really read any marriage stuff until this happened. I guess I was having a lot of symptoms of co-dependency. But I know I can get out of this. Once I’m out of the house. 
I know I can have a better, perhaps happier future. I just can’t help wallowing in my grief right now. And I have to find my anger..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NY152 said:


> The house is not ours, it’s his brother’s (flip houses. I’m actually glad it’s not our house. We were planning to get our own house in the next 3 yrs. But all that’s gone now.
> I never knew about co-dependency before. I never really read any marriage stuff until this happened. I guess I was having a lot of symptoms of co-dependency. But I know I can get out of this. Once I’m out of the house.
> I know I can have a better, perhaps happier future. I just can’t help wallowing in my grief right now. And I have to find my anger..


Grief is normal, you are grieving the loss of your husband and marriage. Its good that you have supportive family you can stay with for now. As a grandparent, please try and make sure your children can see their grandparents on his side who you live with. I am guessing they are very close. They are not to blame for his appalling behavior. Its all just so sad. 

As for the OW, do you know who she is? Did they meet on line?


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## NY152 (10 mo ago)

The OW was his ex-gf in high school. So now they’ve “found each other” and are “so in love” that everything else around them doesn’t matter. It’s all so ridiculous how they can behave like this. She has kids too. I think she’s divorced, i can’t confirm.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

well, it sounds like love _IS_ blind...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NY152 said:


> The OW was his ex-gf in high school. So now they’ve “found each other” and are “so in love” that everything else around them doesn’t matter. It’s all so ridiculous how they can behave like this. She has kids too. I think she’s divorced, i can’t confirm.


So presumably he would have to move there or she here. Is that another state?
I mean what sort of disgusting person goes after another women's husband, especially when he has young children.😲😠 
If she isn't divorced please tell her husband. 
Does he know that you want to move to your sisters?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NY152 said:


> What good will exposing him to everyone do? but create more anger/bitterness in him


All you are doing by you leaving and not informing people is you are protecting him from the natural ramifications and consequences of his actions.

Experiencing the consequences of actions is the only thing that breaks the limerance.

By falling on your sword, the only thing you are doing is prolonging his obsession and legitimizing it. 

Let him experience the natural outcomes of his behaviors.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

My foolish husband is also leaving for limerence but my fool has a one way limerence, meaning the girl (30 years younger) doesn't seem interested in a romantic relationship. It is super hurtful how they throw away everything like your marriage/family meant nothing. I feel your pain. You do need to look after yourself-- make sure finances are in order to protect you and your kids. People talk of the 180 but I like no contact (or I do limited contact due to having a child/business dealings) Meaning, I don't talk to him or see him except to discuss those 2 matters and I keep it brief and to the point. Be kind to yourself-- try to keep busy and find your own way. Sending you lots of hugs. xo


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NY152 said:


> No, his parents never interfered with our marriage.



You have to find your righteous anger and act as if you are willing to leave him in the dust and take his kids 200 miles away. You have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. 
Start initiating the 180 immediately.
Out him to his parents, your family his extended family, do not cover for him or the OW. Bringing affairs into the light can soon put out the flames. This is an imperative and may cause him to be angry, so what, he is the one blowing up the family.
He will tell you all sorts of crap about how you did not do this and that, that is his guilt talking and his deflection trying to justify his awful behaviour. None of this is YOUR fault. He is the one who chose to cheat and didn't choose other avenues, such as communicating, getting MC, therapy etc.
Go get yourself a really good lawyer to see what your options are. Ensure he pays through the nose. Do not make life easy for him.
Go get STD tested and make sure he knows you are doing this. let him feel the shame of what he is doing
Join a gym, a class, something that takes you out of the house. 
Get your hair done, nails done, but on your brave face every day as if you are living your best life, (fake it till you make it)
Do not show him your grief, show him nothing, act as if you believe he is moving on and so are you. No pick me dance, no nothing.
I believe the limerence will wear off and he will realize what he has done eventually, but hopefully by then you will not be interested in taking him back. You sound young, you can have a great life with someone who will support you and love you.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

NY152 said:


> My husband confessed to me that he’s in love with somebody else… He was very sad, tearful, very remorseful and asking for forgiveness…and yet he tells me that he will not stop seeing her. I was totally shocked! He tells me he accepts whatever I decide. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 sons (10, 8, and 2) and I couldn’t believe he’s willing to throw his life away (us, his family, parents/bro/sis, his religion, everything). He’s totally addicted to this experience. I just recently learned about what Limerence is, and the description fits him - his obsession about it and total disregard of what he used to believe, and his belief that he can’t be happy unless he’s with her.
> My world has just suddenly turned upside down. I feel so empty and alone.
> I told him I will leave (w/the kids), but it pains me deeply to leave him. I wanted to save our marriage, but he’s not even going to try. I believe he’s just going to get hurt down the road and I don’t want to see that. But if I stay, I’ll only be hurting myself.
> Any thoughts?


I actually responded again, not realizing that I already wrote to you, lol. I Just want to send you some hugs and wishing you to find the strength to get through this.


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