# Not sure what to do



## SimpleGuy847 (Jul 28, 2011)

First time trying this but I am a bit of a loner. My best friend is my wife and family and I can't talk to either about this. I am considering divorcing my wife. The reason, she is not very “womanly”. By this I mean very little to no affection. None of the little “girly” things men take for granted, the hitting, the holding, wanting you to be close to them.

First of all let me put out that I know my wife loves me. I am certain there is no infidelity. We both want badly to make it work. We have talked about it in the past and even she admits that she may never be able to be the type of woman I need. These days my emotions are so all over the place that it's hard to focus. I am starting to be attracted to other women more strongly. Our sex life is almost non-existent.

The odd thing is, we we first got together, the sex, attention, and just sheer love for me was abundant. I had to turn some of it away from time to time. She had this passion for life that just filled my heart and the only thing that rivaled it was her love for me. She made me fill like a King. I used to tell her I didn't want to be put so high because, being human, I would make a mistake hurt her. Well that happened. After the first year together of bliss, we had roughly a year and a have of pure hell. We eventually made it through it and became stronger as a couple afterwards but never fully recovered to those days of bliss. I have been angry, she has been angry. Weird pattern, one of us would finally get angry enough to want a divorce but the other would, with love, not let it happen and keep the marriage together. These days, we reach times where we both want a divorce, not angrily, just sort of agreeing it may be the best option. But then we can't stay away from each other for longer than a day or two. We even tried separation and were back in the same house within a couple days. My mother has officially stopped taking us seriously that we will ever separate. 

My wife was molested and raped as a child so ever since she has always been guarded. That's probably the best way to describe her demeanor, guarded. I get it, I really do. There are things in my past that left me very guarded as well but I don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage without the feel of a woman's touch. Sometimes I get that but it is just sometimes and it's not enough.

We've been married nearly five years and have a beautiful baby. We grew up together and have known each other since 6th grade. 

I have tried to compress a lot of information in a few lines and I am not sure what I am looking for; advice or just someone to talk to. Either way, guess I'll get both here.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why did she stop showing affection? She did it before. Was it just to snag you in marriage?
MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimpleGuy847 (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't think she was trying to snag me. I think all the fighting took it's toll. As I said, in general she is very guarded. When we got together she put her guard down but after all the fights it just hasn't been the same. For a number of years after we would talk and she would tell me she still held a lot of animosity from those times. 

She is also very spontaneous and likes to be active. We haven't been very active together in anything. I think that has also taken it's toll. I try to change that by offering to go out and do things but it just doesn't seem to work or make much difference.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What were the nature of the hurts and fights? How did you address how you hurt her?

How does doing things together not work? How much effort has been made and what are the roadblocks? How much time are you spending together having fun?

Does she do things alone or with others?

Are you both willing to seek outside help? Coming here is fine but you need to work together with the same goal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimpleGuy847 (Jul 28, 2011)

1) What were the nature of the hurts and fights? Not sure I could give a single overall nature. I guess I could say we spent most of our time fighting over what practices I thought were best suited for marriage. Another could probably be my criticism of what she did that I did not like. One example is, she would like to be gone all day and all night generally getting in after 11pm or later and never calling to say she would be late or if she was just running errands. She would like to hang out and parks and basketball courts well after mid-night and I wouldn't know where she was. She is a free spirit and was used to moving around without being concerned about anyone else. Of course the more we fought the more she wanted to stay away from home.

Now for the flip side of that. I was also unreasonable and foolish with some of my requests. I was insecure and didn't want her to go out without me. I know, not good, but I've moved past that. 

2) How did you address how you hurt her? For the longest time I didn't know I hurt her. Probably naiveté on my part but all I saw from her was anger. I apologized where necessary and let my actions show that I didn't want to be a burden to her. Now she essentially goes where she wants when she wants. She goes out without me. At most, all I ask is to know where she is going and with whom if it's going to be an after hours thing.

3) How does doing things together not work? In the beginning I believe I was the major barrier too us going out and doing things. Now I try to get us to do more. It works but there is very little enthusiasm from her. I would throw ideas out periodically but she would reject them. Over the past 4 -5 months this has changed a bit. We do more now like going to the park, we caught a comedy show and a ballet. Still not perfect but better than it was before. It still takes effort though. Like I've been trying to get us to go on a cruise for a while now. But I can never get her to find a cruise. With my wife she will say she doesn't care but then I'll pick something and she doesn't like it. I don't want to do that on a costly item like a cruise. 

4) How much effort has been made and what are the roadblocks? Hard to say. I think we both feel like we have both been working hard to remove the roadblocks but it just doesn't seem to make a big impact
5) How much time are you spending together having fun? If we exclude items such as work and necessities, I'd say we spend about 5 – 10 percent of our free time having fun together and these days most of it is doing things for the baby. Like going to the park. Over the past couple months though she has put in some extra effort by asking me if I wanted to go to the movies.

6) Does she do things alone or with others? Generally with others. She is guarded but she is also very friendly and enjoys doing things with others.

7) Are you both willing to seek outside help? Yes but we can't really afford it. My new job insurance may offer free counseling, I just need to look into it.
8) Coming here is fine but you need to work together with the same goal. That has been perhaps the most frustrating part. We talk about this and I think we are working towards the same goal but it just doesn't seem to be having any effect. Let me not say that. The effects are slow.


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