# Why did my wife react this way?



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife is leaving for vacation with my mother and our 3 kids. I stay home and work on the farm. She asked me last night, "are you going to miss me?" I answered "yes", but apparently I did not answer fast enough. She was actually pissed all night. 

Is there some sort of time restriction to answer this sort of question? I think the question itself is ridiculous. As if being married for 25 years is not proof enough of my devotion.

This sort of thing really ticks me off. Just wanted to unload.

Maybe you ladies can give me some insight into the female mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is not one female mind. All women are individuals and think independently. All we can give you is some alternative insights that might help you out here.

Being married 15 years is not proof that you will miss her or even that you love her. There are people stay in marriages where love does not exist for years, decades.

She asked you for reassurance. You became annoyed. Your annoyance was probably palatable. She was reacting to your annoyance in her simple attempt to get some reassurance.

All people have moments of insecurity. The way to handle them is to give reassurance, not be irritated that they have some insecurities.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not a lady....am a Gentlemen.....98% of the time.

She is not happy going without you. She is stressed out and taking it out on you.

She must feel that you do not value her enough. It is NOT the fact that you did not answer her FAST enough. She has doubts about Your love for Her.

You may be too "nonchalant". Too calm, during this "stressful" time for HER.

Does she trust you to be at home alone? Is there any reason for her not to trust you? 

I have noticed when people are "under stress" [especially women!], they have a tendency to unload on those closest to them. By close, I do not mean in feet...rather in fact.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

The question is a little bit silly but she wants you to acknowledge her more. Have you asked her about the trip, shown an interest in what they're going to do (the activities), asked her if she's excited or nervous about any of it? It's important to show an interest in her and her activities whether you're part of it or not. So, make sure that when she leaves that you hug her, look into her eyes, tell her that you're going to miss her & that you love her. During the trip, check in on her periodically and ask specifically about those activities. Ask if she's having fun. Then have flowers for her when she returns and make sure that you give her a hug & kiss. Maybe arrange a date night. 

She wants you to tune into her.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There is not one female mind. All women are individuals and think independently. All we can give you is some alternative insights that might help you out here.
> 
> Being married 15 years is not proof that you will miss her or even that you love her. There are people stay in marriages where love does not exist for years, decades.
> 
> ...


I honestly did not become annoyed at all. In fact, the reason I took so long to answer is because I was day dreaming when she asked.
After the fact, I did nothing.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Not a lady....am a Gentlemen.....98% of the time.
> 
> She is not happy going without you. She is stressed out and taking it out on you.
> 
> ...


She does this vacation every year. I have NEVER cheated on her in 25 years. I do talk about how relaxing this vacation is for me though. You are right, I do act calm and nonchalant about her going.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> The question is a little bit silly but she wants you to acknowledge her more. Have you asked her about the trip, shown an interest in what they're going to do (the activities), asked her if she's excited or nervous about any of it? It's important to show an interest in her and her activities whether you're part of it or not. *So, make sure that when she leaves that you hug her, look into her eyes, tell her that you're going to miss her & that you love her.* During the trip, check in on her periodically and ask specifically about those activities. Ask if she's having fun. Then have flowers for her when she returns and make sure that you give her a hug & kiss. Maybe arrange a date night.
> 
> She wants you to tune into her.


Great idea! 
I do call her every night.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My condolences Ump.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Being married 15 years is not proof that you will miss her or even that you love her. There are people stay in marriages where love does not exist for years, decades.


It's 25 years, but who's counting. :grin2:

In my mind, my love for her is beyond obvious. To me, this sort of question should come from a 5 year old, not an adult.
I don't think I have ever asked my wife if she was going to "miss me."
Having said this, perhaps I am too crass on the subject.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> My condolences Ump.


LOL! Good one!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

"In my mind, my love for her is beyond obvious." 

If men and women knew what went on in each others minds, life would be rather easy, huh? 

She just needs to know. Even if she does know, what's wrong with reassurance? 

Do you often tell her that you love her? If so, why? Shouldn't she just know this all the time due to being married for 25 years? 

Do what someone else said and give her hugs, kisses and tell her you will miss her while she's gone.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> "In my mind, my love for her is beyond obvious."
> 
> If men and women knew what went on in each others minds, life would be rather easy, huh?
> 
> ...


I will.
The part that ticks me off is that I did tell her that I would miss her, but she said "you took too long to answer." When I said I will miss her she said "it's too late." That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL. A stop watch fight. I've had a couple of those myself. They are stupid tiny crap tests and people will defend them to the ends of the earth.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

UMP, I'm a guy...100% of the time, but that won't stop me from answering, b/c I think your situation is gender neutral.

I think her question was a set up, you were ambushed: What she's really saying is "If you loved us you'd come with us". That's a blunt assessment of her take away from you not participating in what seems to be an extended family vacation. She's feeling insecure. Is everything OK in your marriage and family?

She should have skipped the fire bombing, and just told you straight out she wanted you to come, and how she's interpreting your decision to remain on the farm. You at least could have responded directly to her underlying insecurity, rather than take your decoder ring out and try to piece it together with us.

You might want to go back and re visit the whole interchange, address her insecurity, ask if it's representative of some other issues, and that next time, you'd like her to ask what's really on her mind.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Unicus said:


> UMP, I'm a guy...100% of the time, but that won't stop me from answering, b/c I think your situation is gender neutral.
> 
> I think her question was a set up, you were ambushed: What she's really saying is "If you loved us you'd come with us". That's a blunt assessment of her take away from you not participating in what seems to be an extended family vacation. She's feeling insecure. Is everything OK in your marriage and family?
> 
> ...


We do this EVERY year. I take a week off work and get caught up at the farm. I do things like detail her car, service the generator, and both my kids cars, etc. etc. etc. She goes to Club Med with my parents and our kids.
Sounds like a great deal for her, don't you think?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

UMP, ask her what the real issues is before getting into a debate about her or your alleged insecurities. If this is a regular trip and she put you on the stop watch, it is a passive aggressive way to communicate another problem IMO.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

UMP said:


> We do this EVERY year..Sounds like a great deal for her, don't you think?


Apparently not.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Unicus said:


> Apparently not.


It SHOULD be.
Here is my list:
Service generator
Detail wifes car/buy new floor mats
Change oil in wifes car and our two kids cars
Organize fridge
change oil in mower
Get Dog food
Soak shower head in vinegar 
Change sand in pool sand filter
Mop garage floor
New solor led lights on fence
Buy new towels
Buy new kitchen glasses
Prune trees
Put down 12 gallons of roundup.
Get Propane
Bush hog back field
Paint lamp posts 
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Her list:
Sit on the beach and eat at the buffet 3 times a day, all you can drink 24/7.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Do y'all take vacations together? It seems to me that she really wants you to go with them. A little romance on a vacation away can rekindle a spark that might have faded a little. Maybe?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If my husband thought that sending me anywhere with the children and his mother was a sweet deal, I think there'd be more we needed to discuss than just "will you miss me?". 

Is this trip something she _does_ really enjoy, or something you think she _should_ enjoy? Do the two of you take kid-free vacations together every year?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> Do y'all take vacations together? It seems to me that she really wants you to go with them. A little romance on a vacation away can rekindle a spark that might have faded a little. Maybe?


We go out of town overnight on a regular basis. In fact, I tell her ANYTIME she wants to, let me know.
We go out to eat ANYTIME she wants to. I ask her all the time and she declines often for both vacations and dinners out.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I was wondering if she wanted you to go on the vacation with her, and she is feeling bad about you staying behind to work. She is worried why you prefer to stay behind instead of go.

Your "slow" answer confirmed her fears.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

UMP, do you want to argue with me or do you want an explanation of her behavior here? 

Go re read my original response without the defensiveness. Her response isn't based on the activities you'll both be doing, but rather the feelings she has about your choice to detail the car and change the oil instead of sharing time with them.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Rowan said:


> If my husband thought that sending me anywhere with the children and his mother was a sweet deal, I think there'd be more we needed to discuss than just "will you miss me?".
> 
> Is this trip something she _does_ really enjoy, or something you think she _should_ enjoy? Do the two of you take kid-free vacations together every year?


She LOVES my mother. I know it's hard to believe, but true!
Yes, we take vacations together all the time. 
In fact, I ask her often and she declines often. She likes saving money, I like spending money.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Unicus said:


> UMP, do you want to argue with me or do you want an explanation of her behavior here?
> 
> Go re read my original response without the defensiveness. Her response isn't based on the activities you'll both be doing, but rather the feelings she has about your choice to detail the car and change the oil instead of sharing time with them.


LOL!
Not arguing, not defensive.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

UMP said:


> *We do this EVERY year.* I take a week off work and get caught up at the farm. I do things like detail her car, service the generator, and both my kids cars, etc. etc. etc. She goes to Club Med with my parents and our kids.
> Sounds like a great deal for her, don't you think?


People change, relationships change. It might be time to sit down and have a talk with her to reevaluate the vacation/staying home thing. You might need to start going with her, and squeeze all the home/property upkeep in throughout the year if you no longer have a week to yourself anymore.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I was wondering if she wanted you to go on the vacation with her, and she is feeling bad about you staying behind to work. She is worried why you prefer to stay behind instead of go.
> 
> Your "slow" answer confirmed her fears.


I won't lie. I do enjoy staying home by myself.
Unfortunately, I have a full time job and live on a farm too. I NEED the week to get caught up.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> People change, relationships change. It might be time to sit down and have a talk with her to reevaluate the vacation/staying home thing. You might need to start going with her, and squeeze all the home/property upkeep in throughout the year if you no longer have a week to yourself anymore.


The only way to address this would be to move.
We live on the farm partly because of our mentally handicapped daughter. We have miniature donkeys and goats, pool, lake, 3 dogs, etc. for daughter to enjoy. Cannot have cake and eat it too.
Moving may soon be necessary simply because I cannot keep up as it is. I am 54. Cutting down trees and splitting FOUR cords of wood is a young mans game.

Actually, I think my wife should be thankful that I do this for our family. 
If I had my druthers, I would live in a condo.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I was wondering if she wanted you to go on the vacation with her, and she is feeling bad about you staying behind to work. She is worried why you prefer to stay behind instead of go.
> 
> Your "slow" answer confirmed her fears.


I don't think she is worried about me working. She IS worried that I prefer to stay home and rightly so, because it's true.
I have said as much in the past.
It's the truth. I don't see anything wrong with that, honestly.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to continue down the path you have chosen.

In my mind, going on a fully paid luxury vacation while I toil at home is a small sacrifice to make. Do I have to apologize because I enjoy the time?
Should I lie?


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

UMP said:


> I won't lie. I do enjoy staying home by myself.
> Unfortunately, I have a full time job and live on a farm too. I NEED the week to get caught up.


Hence..., the hesitation. You really do value this time to yourself, and your wife "thinks" it's because you don't want to be with her. Maybe just this once she wanted you to go but is afraid to ask. Time to have a talk with her to get to the root of what is causing her reaction. It's NOT just because you hesitated. Methinks there's something more to this story.

By the way, there's nothing like sex on a beach somewhere!:grin2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> Hence..., the hesitation. You really do value this time to yourself, and your wife "thinks" it's because you don't want to be with her. Maybe just this once she wanted you to go but is afraid to ask. Time to have a talk with her to get to the root of what is causing her reaction. It's NOT just because you hesitated. Methinks there's something more to this story.
> 
> By the way, there's nothing like sex on a beach somewhere!:grin2:


I think it's because she knows I enjoy the week and it pisses her off to no end. I won't lie to her and she knows it.
I DO miss her, but more toward the end of the week. That was the reason for my hesitation. Nothing more to it. 
Regardless, 
Thanks everyone for your answers. I just need to be a bit more sensitive to her feelings. I will do just that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

UMP said:


> I will.
> The part that ticks me off is that I did tell her that I would miss her, but she said "you took too long to answer." When I said I will miss her she said "it's too late." That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?


It makes it a bit of a game. She actually said "it's too late"? I can see my wife do the same thing, just so I can be made the bad guy yet again.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> It makes it a bit of a game. She actually said "it's too late"? I can see my wife do the same thing, just so I can be made the bad guy yet again.


The key for me was not to get upset. I did say "I will miss you." She went on about how it took too long and it was too late to say anything, so I just let it go. I did not say a word about it. In the past, I would have argued with her. It's completely pointless.

No argument = no bad guy. I feel it's a +1 for me.

She simply cannot understand how I can be happy when I am alone for a week. When she gets back I'm always so calm, relaxed and happy. That also upsets her.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I'm even going to surprise her with a "Clone a Willy" vibrator I'm going to make before she gets back home.
How can one question my devotion after that !!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UMP said:


> I think it's because she knows I enjoy the week and it pisses her off to no end. I won't lie to her and she knows it.
> I DO miss her, but more toward the end of the week. That was the reason for my hesitation. Nothing more to it.
> Regardless, .


There is the tone that I was talking about. She probably picks up on that and it makes her feel some insecure. Instead, you put a negative tone on her reacting based on her insecurities.

Sure, in a perfect world, with a perfect wife, she would be sooo happy for you that you enjoy your time alone, getting caught up on things. But there is apart of her that wishes that you needed her so badly that her being away would be hard for you... it would reinforce, in her mind, that you have a passion for her.

If you feel the passion, as someone said about the hugs, kisses, etc when she leaves, it will build her up. Even tell her that you will miss her... then after she's gone, enjoy your time alone.



UMP said:


> Thanks everyone for your answers. I just need to be a bit more sensitive to her feelings. I will do just that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How about telling her the truth: You look forward to the time alone, to get the chores done. No disrespect to her, but those things have to be done, and you can knock them out easier during a huge hunk of time. You don't miss her at first, because you are so busy, but you do start missing her toward the end of the week.

She probably feels the same way: at first she doesn't miss you, but she does later on in the week.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> How about telling her the truth: You look forward to the time alone, to get the chores done. No disrespect to her, but those things have to be done, and you can knock them out easier during a huge hunk of time. You don't miss her at first, because you are so busy, but you do start missing her toward the end of the week.
> 
> She probably feels the same way: at first she doesn't miss you, but she does later on in the week.


I have told her exactly that I thousand times over.
Unfortunately, it does not stop the "do you miss me" and the "it's too late, you did not answer fast enough."
Hence the reason for my OP. I respect her time alone too. Sometimes she just wants to be alone and watch some lifetime. I'm cool with that.

In fact, if she wanted me to leave for a week to go to Club Med without her, I would be fine with that as well. However, if I had a great time, watch out. :laugh:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think the farm is as Good for Ump as it is for his Daughter. 

But the thing with farms and animals is you just don't go away for a week. If Ump was in a position to hire a hand that would be another thing. But as the farm is not a money maker but rather for pleasure, there is no budget for a hand. 

My wife is the go away and come back happy type. Not the why were you happy without me. In fact when I take kids to camp and she stays home she is relaxed and happy when I get home. 

If separate vacations lead to this then separate vacations are not for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women are not like men. They need reassurances sometimes. Maybe she just needs to hear a little more about how happy you are that you married her, that you DO miss her while she's gone, that you'd do anything for her...maybe read a romance novel while she's gone to get a taste of how differently women think; might help.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

UMP said:


> We go out of town overnight on a regular basis. In fact, I tell her ANYTIME she wants to, let me know.
> We go out to eat ANYTIME she wants to. I ask her all the time and she declines often for both vacations and dinners out.


You should initiate this sometimes. If she has to tell you it doesn't feel like a date.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

UMP said:


> The key for me was not to get upset. I did say "I will miss you." She went on about how it took too long and it was too late to say anything, so I just let it go. I did not say a word about it. In the past, I would have argued with her. It's completely pointless.
> 
> No argument = no bad guy. I feel it's a +1 for me.
> 
> She simply cannot understand how I can be happy when I am alone for a week. When she gets back I'm always so calm, relaxed and happy. That also upsets her.


So she would prefer if you were sobbing in your bed, stressed out...painfully waiting for her return? lol

I would go insane if I were some of you guys married to women like this. You are all saints! 0 The petty stuff that you guys (and you seem like good husbands) have to go through with your wives, seems really frustrating. Sorry, not taking the side of the wife on this one.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

UMP said:


> I honestly did not become annoyed at all. In fact, the reason I took so long to answer is because I was day dreaming when she asked.
> After the fact, I did nothing.


well there you go! 
1. she is asking you something of critical importance to her and you are only half listening to her. That tells a woman, you are not interested at all, whether she is there or not. Disrespectful

2. You knew the answer upset her and you ignored her even further.

Minus points for you, you have some points to earn I'm afraid.

Imagine you are telling your wife about some wonderful dream you are going to fulfill, whether it's purchasing a new sports car, etc and she is zoned out and totally uninterested. Or you tell her about a difficult day on the farm and she is there in body but far away. You would be miffed right, well multiply that feeling 20 times and that's how a woman feels when her man doesn't listen or shows he cares. You want respect she wants love.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If this were the other way around...and the OP was asking his wife 'hey, will you miss me?' And she paused for a moment, then said 'yes,' and then he went into a fit and got pissed over it....we'd be calling him abusive. Just sayin. 

Tired of excuses being made for women who behave poorly, as if we are children who need to be patted on the head, constantly flattered, and treated like we are going to break. We're not going to break if our SO's don't do EXACTLY as we expect. OP's wife needs to grow up...or not go on the vacation. If she's pissed that he likes being alone without her, maybe that should wake HER up as to why that might be.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> T*here is the tone that I was talking about. She probably picks up on that and it makes her feel some insecure. Instead, you put a negative tone on her reacting based on her insecurities.*
> 
> Sure, in a perfect world, with a perfect wife, she would be sooo happy for you that you enjoy your time alone, getting caught up on things. But there is apart of her that wishes that you needed her so badly that her being away would be hard for you... it would reinforce, in her mind, that you have a passion for her.
> 
> If you feel the passion, as someone said about the hugs, kisses, etc when she leaves, it will build her up. Even tell her that you will miss her... then after she's gone, enjoy your time alone.


I agree with this many times over. 
Women are insecure and need reassurance. You are setting a negative tone in your marriage with your game playing. 
There is nothing wrong with being honest that you like your time alone but you can always hold her in your arms and say 'of course I'll miss you babe, but you will have a ship shape home when you get back, let's go out for alone time dinner then and I'll show you how much I missed you afterwards." It's all in how you handle the situation.
You actually sound a bit resentful that you have to make any effort at all to show your wife affection. She can smell that a mile away, she is just looking for reassurance of your love and all you can do is be critical, a woman doesn't forget that and if your approach continues it will lead to resentment and not a good outcome. Stop playing games.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> Women are not like men. They need reassurances sometimes. Maybe she just needs to hear a little more about how happy you are that you married her, that you DO miss her while she's gone, that you'd do anything for her...maybe read a romance novel while she's gone to get a taste of how differently women think; might help.


The other day as I was leaving the house to run errands, saying bye to hubs in our usual way when completely unexpectedly, he said 'Hurry back, I need you here with me..' Oh the warm-fuzzy feeling in my tummy that it created...! Or maybe that was the coffee... anyway, his words stayed with me. 

When he'd travel fairly regularly for work, I'd tell him how much I was going to miss him. He never looked particularly flattered by this. And I learned it's because he wanted to know that I'd be fine without him. What was a loving gesture from my perspective, was a different message to him altogether.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> The other day as I was leaving the house to run errands, saying bye to hubs in our usual way when completely unexpectedly, he said 'Hurry back, I need you here with me..' Oh the warm-fuzzy feeling in my tummy that it created...! Or maybe that was the coffee... anyway, his words stayed with me.
> 
> When he'd travel fairly regularly for work, I'd tell him how much I was going to miss him. He never looked particularly flattered by this. And I learned it's because he wanted to know that I'd be fine without him. What was a loving gesture from my perspective, was a different message to him altogether.


Major Brownie points for him on that one :grin2::grin2:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

UMP said:


> It SHOULD be.
> Here is my list:
> Service generator
> Detail wifes car/buy new floor mats
> ...


UMP could you be building some resentment yourself here ?

55


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> UMP could you be building some resentment yourself here ?
> 
> 55


No doubt.
However, my twice a week resentment killer formula* resets everything to zero, so I'm good.


*Great sex.


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## TriHouse (Aug 9, 2016)

She was craving affection. Typically, if I've resorted to asking a loaded question in a moment of weakness, it's because I'm so desperate for reassurance, stressed, overwhelmed or irritated at a comment you said 4 days ago, and I've held it in so long that I'm no longer capable of seeking out my needs in a reasonable or more effective way. I've been known to completely lose it if my husband so much as looks in the wrong direction when I get to this point. If you see her as being unreasonable, it's a good solid clue that she is severely lacking emotional connection with you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

5 love languages? Words of Appreciation vs good deeds?


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Yes there is a time limit to answering the question "will you miss me". It's exactly the same as "Do I look fat in this dress" and it coincidentally is the same amount of time you can let dropped food sit on the floor before scooping it up and eating it.

Exactly 3 seconds.

Note that the answers to the two questions above are not the same.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She goes on this vacation every year. She asks you if you'll miss her every year. Get with the program - preempt her! The minute she starts packing her bag (or before) you start with the "I'll miss you" comments. Your hesitation told her you were just saying what she wanted to hear - not that you really would miss her.

When she doesn't ask if you'll miss her is when you need to start worrying.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

I'd do the opposite. Don't play into it.

Pretend to be on the phone but be within earshot of her and say "She'll be gone Tuesday night through Sunday night so I'll need the hookers for 5 nights total do I get a volume discount. Don't send the fat one like you did last time".


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

UMP said:


> We do this EVERY year. I take a week off work and get caught up at the farm. I do things like detail her car, service the generator, and both my kids cars, etc. etc. etc. She goes to Club Med with my parents and our kids.
> Sounds like a great deal for her, don't you think?


Only if this is what she wants.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> If this were the other way around...and the OP was asking his wife 'hey, will you miss me?' And she paused for a moment, then said 'yes,' and then he went into a fit and got pissed over it....we'd be calling him abusive. Just sayin.


No, not really abusive. it is childish, insecure, but not really abusive, she did not call him names, or do anything dramatic. 

But we would probably call that name "needy" or something like this.


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