# He says it's my fault...help!



## indenialtoolong (Sep 10, 2010)

I have been married for 15 years and with him for about 20...we never had the perfect relationship.

I just found out he is having an affair with my daughter's friend's mother...who I am friends with. He says it is because about 5 years ago he asked me to go to a swinger's club and I was uncomfortable and wouldn't support this. He says he was only curious and still is and that is why he cheated. We have been having other issues for awhile and I admit I have withdrawn...we still have sex but I do not enjoy it and don't hide my feelings. If that is why he cheated I can accept it...I stopped satiffying him...but blaming me for not swinging? Unacceptable. 

We have a major financial issue right now as well and I cannot afford to support myself and my two girls on my own and have agreed to be quiet and civil until he gets his pay back and can support us...I have told him I want a divorce and he is agreeable but then still talks about the future...he thinks I will forgive and forget. I know I will not. He has a horrible temper and that by itself is enough to leave him...but I have been hoping for things to get better...in denial for a long time I guess. 

I have rambled this out because I am confused and not sure how much to tell. I have no one to talk to really because of the financial situation...a lawsuit is pending and if we have a scandal he will lose his job and I am a stay at home mom...I have no choice until this part is resolved.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Regardless of whether or not you get to the bottom of the cheating, the security in your life and marriage is on a bumpy road as it sounds. Personally if I were you, I would immediately start building stability for yourself if your husband isnt being the perfect rock & support. Building a sense of independence would in turn assist you with dealing and straightening out the issues with your husband. Its seems to me that he holds a lot of control in the relationship since he has a temper, is the bread winner, and thinks that your turn down for swinging is a "good" excuse for cheating. His cheating was a total disrespectful blow that you under NO circumstance deserved. Nobody deserves to be cheated on but there are circumstances in which cheating is a little more understandable or halfway justified (perhaps if a partner knows the other wants sex and doesnt try to remedy the problem keeping sex from happening healthfully). In this case cheating makes sense but it doesnt make being dishonest right.
I am merely suggesting you get back on being your own woman because then you wouldn't even question whether its your fault or not. He is trying to play you and thinks youre weak. Show him otherwise by getting your **** together and work towards being happier. Then decide if he deserves your love or if you even still want his. Making a decision in the emotionally straining situation youre currently in would probably lead to irrational decision making. Take a step back for yourself & warrant respect.
Good luck love, from one woman who knows what it feels like, I wish you the very best!! Better days are always ahead if you believe so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

> he asked me to go to a swinger's club and I was uncomfortable and wouldn't support this.


 --- sounds like he is in the blame game and looking for you to be the bad guy.

If your mind is made up to separate then keep on track, it does not read like he is showing any remorse.

Keep focused; go see a lawyer look after your children and yourself first. 

Do not sweep this under the carpet. Let his family and your family know what is happening. You do not want to be the bad guy in this as closer to the separation time he may choose to blame you publicly.

I wish you all the best in this trying time..


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

There is no reason to cheat.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

" I cheated on you because I asked you if I could cheat on you and you said, "No." Therefore, it's your fault." Is he serious? I don't suppose he mentioned that he wanted to sleep with other women before he married you. If I tried that excuse on my wife, neither of us would have to worry about money. I'd be dead and she'd be in prison.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So...why are you here? Is there any particular advice you want regarding infidelity, or did you hit the wrong thread - meant to post on the Divorce threads?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds like there's a lot of issues in your marriage.

If you two are going to separate and divorce, then you need to begin taking steps to be independent. You need to start looking for employment. Waiting for his lawsuit to be resolved is all well and good, but you need to be able to take care of yourself. While you will get child support and likely a certain amount of alimony, it's unlikely to be enough to actually support you and you two daughters. You need employment to help with that, and better to start now, while you can be saving it up either to use as deposits on a new place to live, or at least as a little emergency cushion. 

While I can understand you want to avoid a scandal and avoid making things worse in light of this lawsuit, I don't think keeping this all a secret is such a good idea. I think doing that leaves you open to him being able to hide what he did and claiming you did wrong. And frankly....who cares if it creates a scandal? He did wrong here, not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. 

And as for his "I wanted to swing, you didn't, I thought that meant I could bang Janie's friend's mom" excuse...that's crap. Everyone has their fantasies, their fetishes, their things they enjoy. But their partner's refusal to enjoy those things is not a reason to cheat. When you want something and your partner says no, you either accept that it will not happen and relegate it to the world of fantasy or you decide it's a dealbreaker and end the relationship...you don't cheat.


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## Disappointedspouse (Aug 14, 2012)

Someone having an affair or acting inappropriate with another member of their preferred sexual orientation is never your fault.

It was his decision to cheat on you, not yours.

How could that possibly be your fault.

The rest of his conversation that follows are excuses for his lack of respect for his marriage and you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert...

C


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Disappointedspouse said:


> Someone having an affair or acting inappropriate with another member of their preferred sexual orientation is never your fault.
> 
> It was his decision to cheat on you, not yours.
> 
> ...


The poster only posted once and ran..... almost two yeas ago.


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