# Separated two weeks from wife, anxiety is getting to me



## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

Hi,

My wife and i have been married for 5 years and have a three year old boy.

When we me , she came from a 9 year relationship that never got anywhere as the guy never inteded to marry her.

I came and she put me in a pedestal. We fell in love after meeting in a postgrad course. We dated for 6 months and got engaed. Married a year later. we both wre much in love and were shure we were each other's match.

The first year of marriage was great, even though we had some problems in bed as she initiated sex sometimes and in some of those times i was a sleep and didn't responded to her. Also she found out i masturbated every once in a while and felt as i had replaced sex with her with masturbation. we addressed that problem but didn't follow it through. Everything else was great, we were a great match.

A year into the marriage we found out she was pregnant and that year everything went along great, we loved the joy of being parents.

Into the third year of our relationship, we started to drift apart, she got very comfortable into her role as mother and i got into other hobbies. Lack of communication mad us drift further and further apart, we wre great parents but i started seeing her more as the mother of my son tan my wife and got comfortable into that role.

She also felt sometimes that when i drank i drank too much and asked me many times to change certain habits like drinking, being more mature and responsable with my actions. I always said yeah, shure i'll change but never did.

She is not the most loving person of the world, the most affectionate and even though i knew she loved me i felt there was something missing and started to drift further apart and took her for granted and didn't give her her deserved place.

I knew things were not OK with us but not to the point of her being not happy with the marriage.

About 5 weeks ago i drank more thatn i should at our son's BDday party, she got upset and changed her attitude towards me. More distant, less caring and more indiferent.

I felt the change and started to change myself, being more caring, more loving, stopped drinking to get drunk, was more more her, but she already was emotionally disconnected and she tried sometimes but felt like she didn't feel being caring and affectionate with me.


See the problem is she is full of anger and resentment towards me and felt like i had "tricked" her into making her believe i was a certain way when we wre dating and that was just a masquarade i put on into making her believe i was a certain wsy, which i wasn't in the long run according to her. More matured, responsable of my actions, more driven, had more spark, etc.

I told her that has always been me, that i didn't led her into anything , that i stopped making an effort and rested on my laurels, stopped trying, but that now 'am full commited into being the best that i can be. of course she doesn't believe me.

She had me on a pedestal, and said ythat the pedestal came crushing down. 

We wenet to marriage counseling two times and the therapist told her that wehen people start dating they give their bes face and that sometimes, which i think is the case, people have this expectations of their partner, they idolize them and want them to be a certain way and don't see the flaws in their carachter, when the flaws appear they are angry and sisspointed, which i think she's angry at her for believe i would be a certain way.

So, i made all this effort but i was putting to much pressure on her and i was overdoing it. She felt asphixiated and couldn't cope with the whole thing and asked for space to clear her feelings and thoughts.

She says that she doesn't know that if because of the anger and resentment she has towards me, that is not making her see clearly and that the love is coverd in layers and layers of crap or if she just doesn0t love me like she used to and doesn't have the energy to go through.

She says that i have to change a lot (i am going to therapy) and that she doesn0't belive that i can change for good, which i know that with the help of the therapist i can.

She is also going to therapy to deal with thse feelings of anger and resentment which she doesn't wan to have.

She says that she will like me to come back to the house, but not right now, she has a lot to figure out (feelings and will to continue), that she has thought of all the scenarios (divorce, getting back together) but is still very unshure, hence the therapy. That this situation needs to be resolved sometime son. She's not comfortable with the situation, even though she's at peace righ now and not missing me.

On the other hand i'm very anxious and 'am working towards improving myself and being a better person. But this is killing me, the uncertainty, not knowing what's going to happen and being apart from her and my son and my home.

I still pick up mys on somedays and taking to school, she has asked me to come to the house certain days to take care of my son while she sees patients (she's a physical Therapist).

She has also been very stressed the last couple of years with work (Works at a cancer hospital), patients, house chores (which i always helped), son, husband and it's taking a toll on her too.

She has asked me for space that's what i intent to do.

But it' is eating my soul right now.


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

@ Choose to live, Sorry to hear that this is going on. However, I think that you have taken a great first step in going to counseling. It also sounds like you are both willing to work on your marriage and I want to encourage you in that! It can take time to rebuild trust and love back into your relationship but it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Hope everything works out! 

Emren0316


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

Emren0316 said:


> @ Choose to live, Sorry to hear that this is going on. However, I think that you have taken a great first step in going to counsling. It also sounds like you are both willing to work on your marraige and I want to encourage you in that! It can take time to rebuild trust and love back into your relationship but it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Hope everything works out!
> 
> Emren0316


Thanks Emren0316. I really hope so. I really love her and my son so much.

I believe that divorce is the worst case scenario, she mentioned that, that before we get to that place, everything else has to fail and i'm giving my all for it to work out, hope she does too.

I believe we would at least still try it one more time with all before quitting in our marriage.


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

Yesterday i took care of my son and took him out (Wife asked me if i could babysit him while she was attending patients) like we used to when we were living together. So i did, came home, waited for her and we talked.

I was ready to pull out some crap about jealous remarks that are totally unfounded on my part, i didn't. Over the weeked i pressured her and madeher feel uncomfortable by some jealous remarks and asking and doing bull**** which she didn't take too well obviously.

So i said i was sorry that i doubted her and that wasn't going to happen anymore, that she can be assured of that. She said, "Don't you know that when you do that you push me further away and make me more angry" i said you're right, you're right.

I talked about some plans we had and she said with an angry tone "can't you see what the real problema is?" i said, yeah, i emotionally abandened you sometime ago, she said, "not only that but you're inmature ways contributed to this". i said you're right, and i'm working on that, going to therapy and improving myself for me. She said, that's good, ans she's starting therapy this week also.

I suggested we both go to our own therapy and then in the future go to MC together, she said "Don't you say that or i'll bite your head off", so you see she has anger and resentment issues that i believe have roots even before me.

The she said, right now as it stands "I can't stand you", i said ok, i understand, with all my actions over the weekend and some other stuff.

She says that she still has to find out what she ffels that she wouldn't like 6 months to go by and don't know.

I believe she loves me, but doesn't know if it's enough to give me and the marriage another shot, and she's doesn't know if i'm the person for her, at least not right now, and that she's dealing with that, asides from the anger and resentment issues she has that she needs to tone down with therapy so she can see clearly and understand her feelings better.

As of now, no more pressure on her, no more jealous remarks, no more snooping around on my part. I will only contact her for my son and take it from there. 180.


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

Choose to live said:


> Yesterday i took care of my son and took him out (Wife asked me if i could babysit him while she was attending patients) like we used to when we were living together. So i did, came home, waited for her and we talked.
> 
> I was ready to pull out some crap about jealous remarks that are totally unfounded on my part, i didn't. Over the weeked i pressured her and madeher feel uncomfortable by some jealous remarks and asking and doing bull**** which she didn't take too well obviously.
> 
> ...


That sounds wise to have the contact between the two of you to be focused on your son. Stirring up jealousy is never helpful. Glad to hear to you are moving away from that. Best of Luck!

Emren0316


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

Choose to live said:


> Thanks Emren0316. I really hope so. I really love her and my son so much.
> 
> I believe that divorce is the worst case scenario, she mentioned that, that before we get to that place, everything else has to fail and i'm giving my all for it to work out, hope she does too.
> 
> I believe we would at least still try it one more time with all before quitting in our marriage.


Glad to hear this!

Emren0316


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

She needs to see you strong and confident right now. Begging, stirring and whining will drive her further away.

Go look the "The 180" and start practicing it. 
Now.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Choose to live, you need to keep this on one thread, since the other one has had much more response you should post there:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...arated-two-weeks-wife-anxiety-getting-me.html


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> She needs to see you strong and confident right now. Begging, stirring and whining will drive her further away.
> 
> Go look the "The 180" and start practicing it.
> Now.


I know and she has told me so. That's what i started doing today and plan on doing.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

There are very good reasons to suspect your wife is attracted to someone else or is already having an affair. She's following a typical walkaway wife's script and you're following a typical doormat's.

Your marriage will fail. Guaranteed. She has lost all respect for you and will continue to do so if you keep trying to "nice" her out of this.

When someone attempts to terminate the marriage, you don't reward their betrayal. You let them face the consequences.

You will most likely ignore this advice for now, but will come back to it later on when you realize your wife has painted your 'black' in her mind and stops at nothing to disrespect and hurt you. This happens over and over and over and over on this forum.

I strongly recommend you read the book *No More Mr. Nice Guy* by Dr. Glover. You need to.


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

synthetic said:


> There are very good reasons to suspect your wife is attracted to someone else or is already having an affair. She's following a typical walkaway wife's script and you're following a typical doormat's.
> 
> Your marriage will fail. Guaranteed. She has lost all respect for you and will continue to do so if you keep trying to "nice" her out of this.
> 
> ...


I can't think about her being attracted to somebody else or i'll go mad. I've given it really a good think and can't seem to find anything that indicates so. I've confroted her a few times about it and not one of he answers has given me any doubt, to the contrary. She's a not a liar, to the contrary i have been. Like i mentioned in another thread i cheated on he various times, which she doesn't know. I feel very bad and regretful about it.

She hasn't attempted to end the marriage, this separation came as a result of two years of bad communication, bad behavouir on my part and neglect on both of us.

I do think that this separation is extreme, i don't think it should have reached this far but it did.

Anyway, i will give it until december to see if her seeing a therapist nad myself seeing a therapist helps and she lets go of the anger and resentment.

If she was attracted to somebody else, then the marriage would be over, no point going over this "separation", why pronlonge it.

I believe if she was attracted to somebody else there would be no point in her going to IC, why waste the money.

I started doing the 180 in a way and 'am responding very cold and just for my son to her, no more nice.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

The times you cheated on her play a major part in the dynamic that shapes up between you two. You are always in a position of extreme guilt and this transpires as lack of respectability in her view. She doesn't know why you're behaving the way you do, and is constantly turned off by it.

Until you forgive yourself for your cheating (which often only happens after you have fully confessed), there will be no end to the guilty behavior and the inevitable unattractiveness it brings.

You're beating a dead horse here. Change your approach now. It won't work even if you two reconcile for a short period. The guilt will always destroy it.

You need some growing of your own it seems. I wouldn't necessarily view a divorce as a bad thing in this situation. It will most likely make a positive change in your life, allowing you to heal, grow and start fresh.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

synthetic said:


> The times you cheated on her play a major part in the dynamic that shapes up between you two. You are always in a position of extreme guilt and this transpires as lack of respectability in her view. She doesn't know why you're behaving the way you do, and is constantly turned off by it.
> 
> Until you forgive yourself for your cheating (which often only happens after you have fully confessed), there will be no end to the guilty behavior and the inevitable unattractiveness it brings.
> 
> ...


I have to say that without my wife leaving me, I never would have gotten to where I am today. I was strong before but now everything just sort of slides off me.

I am calmer....more centered, less likely to take offense...much kinder. loving and understanding.

Despite it's negative and overwhelming negative shadow...it CAN be an opportunity for spiritual, eotional and even intellectual growth.


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

So i changed my attitute towards her since tuesday. Sort of like a 180, and she has changed her attitute towards me.

I only call her or text her to know about my son, shown no affection or interest in her orwhatever she's doing, kind of cold.,

Yestareday i went home to pick up some things and she was there, about to excercise, told her i just drop by to pick up somethings. I was drinking wáter in the kitche and she came without her top of, just the bra to the laudnry room to pick up some t shirt to use the tredmill (i was there whe she did this), i picked up some things like i said, we made some small talk, and i was sweaty because i came from work walking to the house and she looked at me and said "your shirt is all sweaty" so i proceeded to change the shirt for another one and said "see you and left".

At night when i called her to talk to my son, she sdidn't answer but called me back 8unless the previous day where she only missed call me to call her back) and said Hi, the tone of her voice much freindly that the previous two days. I talked to my son briefly, he was moody and i told my wife to text me back when he was ready to talk. She called me back and i talked to him.

This morning she texted me saying "Hi, good morning, Chris (my son) just woke up, so don't come and pick him up so son, i said no prob, i was going to wait anyway.

Not saying anything about it, but the change in my attitute and no pressure, jealous remarks, or talk about the issue seems to have given her some relief and it is clear by her change (positive) of attitude.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> I have to say that without my wife leaving me, I never would have gotten to where I am today. I was strong before but now everything just sort of slides off me.
> 
> I am calmer....more centered, less likely to take offense...much kinder. loving and understanding.
> 
> Despite it's negative and overwhelming negative shadow...it CAN be an opportunity for spiritual, emotional and even intellectual growth.


I'm on that same road, my friend! :smthumbup:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Right now anything you do nice towards her will be seen as fake and/or manipulation, she knows you are going to do or say anything to get her back and she is prepared for it.

It would take about 6 weeks of NC to defuse her anger and for her to remember the good things again. You can't really do NC but you need to minimize communication as much as possible and keep it short and business like. Give her exactly what she wants and agree with her for any critic she has of you (regardless if its valid, from what you have posted it sounds like she may have some points).

Work on your problems and basically wait for her to come to you BUT don't jump on the first sign she is softening up or else you will scare her away. It will take a good 6 months or so of maintaining your changes before she starts believe they are real. Don't change for her, change for yourself.

Its going to be a slow process and try to rush things will end in failure. Be patient and consistent and you'll get through this. I had to go through the same [email protected] myself, we don't like to change until not changing becomes more painful.


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Right now anything you do nice towards her will be seen as fake and/or manipulation, she knows you are going to do or say anything to get her back and she is prepared for it.
> 
> It would take about 6 weeks of NC to defuse her anger and for her to remember the good things again. You can't really do NC but you need to minimize communication as much as possible and keep it short and business like. Give her exactly what she wants and agree with her for any critic she has of you (regardless if its valid, from what you have posted it sounds like she may have some points).
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, i believe this is the best advice i have received here.

What is NC?. Counseling?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Choose to live said:


> Thanks for the advice, i believe this is the best advice i have received here.
> 
> What is NC?. Counseling?



'NC' means No Contact. Take a look at The 180 Plan. It's NOT a way of getting back together, it's a way of being able to cope with what's happening. 

I'm at the end of week three (she moved out). It's T.O.U.G.H, and everyone on here can relate. We're all here for each other.


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## Choose to live (Oct 6, 2014)

I can't do NC because we have a son. And i pick him up some days to take him to school and babysit/take him out two days a week. THAT i cannot stop doing that because of my son.

But out contact is limited to in the morning when she takes him to school she texts me to let me know he's o.k., or vice versa (when i take him to school i have to see her. I open the door to our apartment and wait for him in the entry corridor (some people have suggested that i should wait for her to bring him outside the building but i don't know how weird it would be for my three year old.

And when he's about to go to bed i call her or she calls me so i can speak to him. I only say "is Christopher around?" and she says yes and passes the pone to him i say goodnight and then i tell, OK, bye, or talk tomorrow.

That's a bout it. I learned not to talk to her or ask her anything personal or about "us".

I feel upset and angry sometimes because i was the one that had to leave the apartment where i paid pretty much everything but food because she needed "space" and was asphixiated by me trying to fix everything in a week.

Anyway i know if we had not separated the marriage was heading straight to hell. I'm really optimistic we will have at least one more chance, but i need to take it day by day.

Thanks guys for your support.


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