# lost in a hotel room by myself.. online infidelity has hurt me again



## smallfox122 (Jan 31, 2016)

I don't even know where to begin.... I guess you could say the whole time I have known my husband there has always been some sort of weird online shadyness going on... and I just dont understand it 
First it started with apps on his phone like "whisper" or anonymous chat apps where he would talk sexually with strangers. I found him on a dating site here and there... it hurt so much worse every time it happened. he would tell me that it continues to happen because he feels like this is such a cops & robbers marriage and he constantly feels like he is being accused of doing something so might as well just do it.... it kills me to hear that. I feel like he wants me to do all of the repair work and do all the rebuilding and in my mind its like... uhhh you are the one that broke the trust?!?!? why is this falling on me??? 

I do believe in my heart that my husband has never physically cheated on me... however, just a couple weeks ago i saw the "whisper" app icon on his phone and asked him if he was on it again.. he said no.. then i told him dont lie to me i already saw the app icon so then he admitted it but said he wasnt doing anything inappropriate.... but when i asked him to pull up the app and show me the messages to prove it was innocent, he became a little defensive child and would not show the messages on the app to me. he then tried to claim that they would appear shady to me because he was on there talking to girls to find out if they were me as he felt like i have been distancing from him lately... i told him thats BS for a reason why he is on there... i have NEVER done this guy dirty, i am so devoted to him its disgusting! yet here we are again... my emotions and feelings have been taking over me and it got so bad that i left and stayed in a hotel room alone last night to clear my head... is this hopeless? am I fighting a losing battle? when i tell him i cant do it anymore and i have even thrown the D word out... if he is heated he'll tell me to leave then.. but if he has had a moment to calm down and realize what is going on here, he tells me he cant lose me and he needs me and he would be lost without me.. then why is he continually being shady and hurting me <\3


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you have no children, this is simple. Get rid of him.


----------



## smallfox122 (Jan 31, 2016)

there are no children involved... but, how do i say this... when its bad it is really bad and painful... but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You need counseling to figure that out. However, from what you have written, he isn't taking responsibility for his improper behavior, and he isn't likely to change that since he has been doing it ever since you have known him. I don't see things improving unless you are the one to change.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

smallfox122 said:


> there are no children involved... but, how do i say this... when its bad it is really bad and painful... but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?



Most toxic relationships are like this. Listen to an addict talk about their drug of choice, they say the same thing. My bet is you have only seen the tip of the iceberg with his cheating behavior. He admitted to liking the thrill seeking part of it, he's always going to be looking for more excitement. He isn't cut out for monogamy.


----------



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

smallfox122 said:


> there are no children involved... but, how do i say this... when its bad it is really bad and painful... but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?


No, but get some IC to help you decide what's best for you. Are the times he's nice worth these times of pain? Are you willing to risk getting an STi? Many cheaters don't use protection. How long has he been doing this? Your husband is a serial cheater and I hate to say he has probably had physical relations if this has been going on for a long time. I know you want to believe otherwise, but the fact is he's proven to you he is a liar, believe what you see, not what you know. Your H wants to stay married because it's the best of both worlds for him, he gets the stability of marriage and the fun of gf's.

How old are you both? How long were you together before you were married? Howling have you been married?

I'm so sorry you are here. Please note your H is totally manipulating you when he tells you he may as well do it if he's getting blamed. You both need to get some marriage counseling if you want to make this work. He needs some serious help in accountability.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

smallfox122 said:


> when its bad it is really bad


OK then the rest is irrelevant. 

It's like a drug, no good can come from it other than the high followed by a life destroying addiction until you kick the habit so...

take all the necessary steps to KICK THE HABIT of your destructive addiction


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

smallfox122 said:


> there are no children involved... but, how do i say this... when its bad it is really bad and painful... but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?


It's not easy. You are in a bad situation.

Counselling will be of help no matter what your ultimate destination.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

from what you seem to be saying----LATELY THE BAD OUTWEIGHS THE GOOD--------no matter what when you try to talk about the problems that are bothering you----NEVER ALLOW HIM TO TAKE CONTROL, such as telling you to leave-------

You need to sit down with him and try to get it all out, and see what is actually going on-------if it comes to the point that he won't co-op., then you need to start to get tuff about the problem, and if D, must go on the table, then so be it

One thing you can do in re:---threatening him with D------go online to your state's website----go to legal documents, bring up the D packet, and print it out-----then leave it somewhere in the house where he has to find it-------he more than likely will assume, you have been to an atty.-------let him think that, that is the case----and see where it leads, he must sit down with you and discuss this, otherwise your mge., is gonna suffer-----DO NOT BE AFRAID OF HIM, and do what you need to do-------a few minutes of hot sex, whenever----does not REPLACE A LIFETIME OF MISERY


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I'm being accused of....I might as well do it....

Classic Cheater's phrase. He is cheating. He IS cheating!
If you stay and have children with this child, you will regret it. 

This sleepy stuff will get worse--- it always does because he needs more and more to get the high. It will not get better.

How do you break this? Only you can find the strength, but it's no biggie--- if you just don't have kids with him, he'll drive the feelings out of you and you'll gladly seek a life without him. 

Your advice: don't have kids with him, try to detach and divorce. Don't threaten in this case. Just divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your hb is a cheat and a liar and you know it.

Abusers are very nice when they're not beating the crap out of their spouse.

If you want the good times with this guy you'll have to accept that he cheats and lies. 

He isn't marriage material, so please do not bring children into this. 

That would be very selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oliamble (Jun 1, 2015)

Hello OP, I'm a married male and I'm in a different situation but problems with marriage never less. I advise you to re think, give a chance to perhaps you can convince your husband of seeking counseling. 

I myself have fallen pray to apps such as kik, skype to attempt to contact other people online and then I feel so guilty. Part of it is lack of communication with my current wife and the other part is lack of interest in our marriage (physically, sexually and emotionally), and all have taken a toll on me as well. I now frequent FB and online forums sites such as these instead of others that may be emotionally harmful. 

Speak with him, perhaps there may still be a solution. Also try to seek company with other family members, friend do not fall back alone b/c depression sinks in. 

Also if things don't work out then you'll eventually have to make a decision to separate/divorce him.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Please listen to how ridiculous one of your sentences sounded. I am fairly confident he has never cheated on me.

Dating and Chat apps are not downloaded onto one's phone if the intention to cheat wasn't there.

Seriously run now before kids are involved.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

smallfox122 said:


> there are no children involved... but, how do i say this... when its bad it is really bad and painful... but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?


You are on the Jekyll and Hyde rollercoaster of emotional abuse which is not normal in a good relationship. You have to get off the roller coaster. He will not change because of your pain, there is no incentive to. He will only change because of his own pain. 
Start getting your ducks in a row. Do you have your own income? 
Go and start IC to help you with your own emotions. Start doing the 180 and emotionally detaching from him. He will make this difficult, be strong and determined. Start making plans to find somewhere else to live. Move out. If he sees the error of his ways, he needs IC and a period of time before you would ever let him in your life. By then you may already have decided to move on permanently.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

smallfox122 said:


> I do believe in my heart that my husband has never physically cheated on me...
> 
> he became a little defensive child and would not show the messages on the app to me
> 
> ...


You are naive. He cheats, he gaslights you to make YOU think YOU are guilty and that he is JUSTIFIED to go on those apps (good grief!) because of how YOU act...come on. You're not that dumb.

And the last statement above? 

That's your problem. You being 'so devoted it's disgusting' is WHY he continues to cheat on you. Because you allow it.

Clean out your home of everything you don't need. Give it away, store it, sell it. Then go to him and say "I'm a suitcase away from leaving you. If I find even a SINGLE instance of you contacting a SINGLE woman in ANY situation, I'll be leaving with this suitcase and you'll never see me again." And then leave the room. Do NOT allow him to discuss it. 

And so you understand, in case you still think men are nice, innocent creatures, I can count almost ten men I know who are married and who just believe it's their 'right' to marry one woman and then go out and see how many other women they can screw. It's part of being a man for them. It's their right. And half the fun is keeping you from believing they're really doing it.



> but when it is good, it is the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling i have EVER experienced.. how am i supposed to just shut that off and "get rid of him"?


And guess what? They are all MASTERS at giving all their women the most insanely magical, unreal love and feeling those women have ever experienced. 

Honey, he laughs at you. He laughs ABOUT you.

How to shut it off? By doing what an adult does - making a SMART decision, not an emotional one. Leave him the next time he does it, and then let him LEARN what it means to earn a woman's love. Make him EARN you back.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In all due respect to oliamble, I dont think you're husband's going to change.

he would have to be guilt ridden like this poster to have a chance, and your husband doesn't sound like he's close to that. Rather, a reactionary, unapologetic lier.
that's what it sounds like.

for that I am sorry. Truely


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How long have you been married? 

How excited about you will he be 10 years from now? You're already not enough for him! 

A loving, devoted wife is as hard to find as a loving, devoted husband. You haven't one. Dump the garbage before he gives you an std, and get tested. You have no idea how easy it is to find lonely, desparAte women to sleep with. Get an std test and an attorney. He's a black cloud for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

