# Having a baby is killing my marriage.



## KrysKiss (Oct 17, 2014)

Let me preface this by saying that I in no way blame my precious son for the problems I am having with my husband. My sweet innocent child is in no way responsible for my or my husbands actions or emotions. He is a blessing and I adore him. 

That being said, here is my problem. Before my son was born we were struggling. There was a lack of affection and a noticeable distance between us that we couldn't quite resolve. We were working on our issues and starting to make some (not alot) but some headway. We were overjoyed to hear the news that we would be having a baby and for awhile we were actually doing pretty well (after a few heartfelt and tearsoaked conversations about our future. see previous posts of mine)

Fast forward to day one in the hospital. From the moment that my little one came into the world I was a smitten kitten. I'm so in love with this little guy it literally hurts sometimes. My husband was happy, but it seemed that he was missing that "spark" that a new baby brings into your eyes. He didn't seem to interested in bonding with him while we were in the hospital. Mind you little Killian was in the NICU so it was a difficult task to even see him, but still. I figured that bonding time would come eventually. Sometimes it can take awhile. 

After a few weeks my husband was still very hands off when it came to the baby. He didn't want to feed him or diaper him or really even play with him. He would hold him on occasion, but if asked to watch him while I took a nap or something he would place him in his swing or basinnet across the room and leave him there, only tending to him when he cried. He wouldn't neglect the little guy, he just wasn't very into cuddling with him. 

This whole time I was trying desperately to reach out to him and let him know that I still loved him just as much as the baby. I was thinking maybe he is just feeling some resentment or jealousy of the fact that there's a new little man in my life. But he didn't really reciprocate those feelings and the distance between us that we had worked so hard to erase was back in full force. 

Now He is still not very interested in the baby or me. He spends alot of time on his video games or tuned out in his phone or Ipad. we had a discussion about this and we breached the subject of whether or not he still loved me or the baby. his response was that with all the stress going on and with his emotional detachment issues, it was hard to remember to love me through all the chaos going on. He said he isn't sure how he feels about me right now. He made it clear that he does care about me and his aim is not to hurt me, but he just isn't sure. As for the baby, he said he does love him, he's just having trouble bonding with him because of the situation going on and because of all the stress. 

Now my husband is not really the mushy type anyways, but to hear that he isn't sure if he still loves me hurts me in ways I can't even describe. 

I feel that I am partially at fault. I do tend to gripe at him alot about how he handles the baby. He doesn't want to get up with him at night, he doesn't want to take the time to feed him or change him. He hasn't bathed him even once and our child is 2 months old now. Most of the responsibilities have fallen on my shoulders. I didn't sign up to be a single parent but I feel like one. I get onto him about it because I don't want him to be so hands off. We made this baby together we should take care of him together. 

My question is whether or not this is typical or normal of new parents. Why is he so distant from us? Should I be worried about our marriage heading for divorce? The thought has crossed my mind but Imagining life without him is heartbreaking. How much should I keep pouring myself into this relationship before it becomes too much?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The answer is no, it is not normal. This is something he should see a therapist about. I heard of men losing attraction to their wives when they get pregnant or birth. Sounds like he is detaching from you, and also he is keeping an emotional distance to not bond with the child. He may flee or leave the marriage.

I suggest you do not rely on him, and keep bonding with the baby. Let him be the one to come to you to work on the issues. If you communicate your feelings and concerns, then the next step is his. He knows what the issue is, and you keep reminding him will not do anything.

I also suggest you protect yourself,and work on things that you can do, to improve your situation. When you are able, go back to work. Start saving money, do anything you can to look after yourself and your son. Keep working on yourself, and keep seeing a therapist to work on your own issues. Some men do not have what it takes to be a father. Until you know his thoughts, his actions are saying he is detaching. Some people cannot handle the responsibility when the times comes.

In essence, look after the welfare of you and your child. Do what you can to secure both your future. It is no guarantee that he will stick around. He may even view the child as some trap so he is not free. There is a multitude of reasons.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

First of all, I think you and probably he also are jumping to way too many conclusions only two months into the life of your baby. Men don't all respond the same way to babies, but most of them respond differently from the way women do, just the way it is. You had a 9-month headstart in developing a strong bond with your baby. Some of the things you are describing about your husband aren't normal, but some of them are common. 

Now, if too much of the responsibility for the baby is falling on you and it's exhausting you, that's something you need to talk out with him. He ought to step up more, but he isn't, so what are you going to do about it? Also, what's his work schedule like? I've known different couples who handle the early months of a baby's life different ways -- in some, the husband works 70-80 hour weeks and doesn't get up with the baby because he needs what little sleep he can get. In our case, I took the later shift because I tended to be up later anyway, although it was understood that if I had a demanding work week I would do less. 

At the same time, I think your husband's response to your question is unfortunate, it shows immaturity and self-centeredness. Now is not the time for him to be feelings-searching about the marriage and the baby, now is the time for him to do his duty as a husband and father.


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## KrysKiss (Oct 17, 2014)

We both work 40 hour weeks. I went back to work about a month after the baby was born so that the financial load wouldn't be all on his back. I do everything I can to ensure that he is as stress free as possible. I still do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, the laundry, take care of the baby AND work a full time job, which is why it is so stressful to me that he doesn't want to take care of the baby in the evenings. I try my best not to gripe at him, but I'm also not a pushover. There's a difference between being a good, caring wife and being a doormat. I just don't know how to make him understand how I feel without it seeming like I am telling him that he is "failing" When we have talked about this subject he says he feels like he can't do anything right so why bother doing anything at all.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think it's a bit soon to jump to conclusions. 2 months is not a long time. Having a baby is tough, whether your marriage was stable to begin with or not. This demanding new little child will change your marriage and everyone has to work through those new issues. It took me several months to really get the hang of being a mom and wife, figuring out how to do each to the best of my ability. 

My husband was honestly scared when we had our son, although it took well over a year for him to admit it and he avoided helping out. I realized that I just had to tell him to help me out with this or that for him to be involved. I would hand him our son and tell him he needed his diaper changed or would tell him our son needed a bath and walk away. He had to be "thrown" into it and I had to stop expecting him to offer because he rarely would. 

The first few months are tough on everyone, so just try to roll with it for a while. Let go of some of the housework, as that can wait. Focus on the necessities and do what you have to make things easier. When you need him to help with the baby, tell him to do what's needed. "Baby needs a bath and I'm going to clean the kitchen". As time goes on, it gets easier. Right now, you're in the thick of it. My husband is a lot more involved now that our son is a year and a half, and does things without me ever asking/telling.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

KrysKiss said:


> We both work 40 hour weeks. I went back to work about a month after the baby was born so that the financial load wouldn't be all on his back. I do everything I can to ensure that he is as stress free as possible. I still do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, the laundry, take care of the baby AND work a full time job, which is why it is so stressful to me that he doesn't want to take care of the baby in the evenings. I try my best not to gripe at him, but I'm also not a pushover. There's a difference between being a good, caring wife and being a doormat. I just don't know how to make him understand how I feel without it seeming like I am telling him that he is "failing" When we have talked about this subject he says he feels like he can't do anything right so why bother doing anything at all.


What would happen if, when the baby wakes in the middle of the night, you just say, "Your turn!" and roll over and pretend to go back to sleep? Or if you handed the baby to your husband and said "He needs a new diaper. I'm going to fix supper." then walked away? Would your husband step up?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KrysKiss said:


> I do tend to gripe at him a lot about how he handles the baby.


Stop doing that immediately. You can't make him be YOU when it comes to feelings or desires. But you CAN make all interactions with you, him and the baby good ones, so that he comes back for more.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I did not share in the load of work when my first son was a baby much either, I will blame being young and dumb on that. My second son I was better. Nonetheless, a lot of men think that when the kids are young, the mom should play a larger role. Once they start getting some years on them, we take over. You have other issues though so it's more complicated. His reactions may be a perlude to him taking off so protect yourself.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

KrysKiss said:


> We both work 40 hour weeks. I went back to work about a month after the baby was born so that the financial load wouldn't be all on his back. I do everything I can to ensure that he is as stress free as possible. I still do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, the laundry, take care of the baby AND work a full time job, which is why it is so stressful to me that he doesn't want to take care of the baby in the evenings. I try my best not to gripe at him, but I'm also not a pushover. There's a difference between being a good, caring wife and being a doormat. I just don't know how to make him understand how I feel without it seeming like I am telling him that he is "failing" When we have talked about this subject he says he feels like he can't do anything right so why bother doing anything at all.


I don't know your financial situation, but that's pretty early to get back to full-time work. You gotta do what you gotta do, but is it something you both agreed was better? 

One way you might be able to raise this is by putting it in that context "I'm working 40 hours just like you but I also feel like all the baby care is falling on my shoulders. It's too much for me to handle all myself, so I either need you to take on more of the baby care burden, or I need to work less." Then he has some onus to think about his priorities.

Working on how you approach him about how he takes care of the baby is also a good idea. I have a feeling this is a common dynamic early on -- I really do believe moms tend to have more "instinct" about taking care of a baby in the early stages, maybe they feel closer to it. So they want the husband to help, but they tend to want things done their way, and sometimes the husband has a hard time with that, even if the wife is ultimately right. Teaching him how to do something is always good. Micromanaging is not necessarily good, unless he's doing something that can harm the baby.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I highly recommend that you don't gripe, criticize, correct or complain about the way he does things. Many men will retreat into their shell when you do this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sadly, there are a lot of married single moms out there. 

I agree with the poster who said to save money and expect to be a legal single mother at some point. I'm sorry, OP.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He was emotionally detached before the pregnancy and baby, so clearly the child is not the issue--he is (and maybe the relationship between you two). 

Why do you love someone who is emotionally detached? Why are you doing so much for the family when he appears to be doing oh-so-very-little? You are working more than a double shift b/c you are the only one getting up at night.

Stop now. If there is any way to swing it financially, quit your job--why NOT let him bear the financial responsibility at this time, when you are doing everything else and he won't help? If nothing else, you will be less tired and not trying to work things out when exhausted. 

After that, give yourselves time--lots of it. Having a young child is so exhausting. It gets easier when they start to sleep through the night, but that can take months--years, even, depending on a number of variables. 

Don't try to make any major decisions about the marriage while you are so worn out and there is an infant in the home. Again, take your time! 

But do consider why you put so much more effort into this marriage than he does. Good luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Vey sad state of affairs.

His reaction is NOT normal.

Get both of you into counseling ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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