# I am a narcissist/bpd my husband hates me



## smackkitty (Dec 24, 2015)

I have been married for 9 years. Our whole relationship has been turbulent from the start. I have never been diagnosed but I am sure I am a Narcissist with BPD and he is codependent. Years of fighting came to a head today. He says he hates me, never wants to talk to me again, that I am a cold mean B. That I never listen to him or care about how he feels. 
This circle has gone round for 9 years. It is always the same. He is mad because I hurt him, won't validate him, twist his words and manipulate him. I use him and don't care about him, his words. I tell him how he is wrong, that he is being mean too me, I scream at him and call him names. I hurt myself to draw him back in, I hurt him too with my hands-I hit him yesterday for the second time. 
I act like a child and rage. I see this now. I am selfish. manipulative. controlling. 
It is Christmas Eve, he says he will be gone on Christmas Mourning. He has threated before. But I believe him this time. I do not even blame him I would leave me too. Last Christmas during our fight I blamed him for running Christmas. Too bad I do not take ownership of that. Our Daughter is heartbroken.
I want to change this. Even if I loose a really good guy that I have destroyed, I do not want to destroy anyone else. I need some help with this, I know the H is the one who needs support. What can I do? How can I bring about change in personally/behavior in myself? How can I make right the hurts I have put on him? What would make it right?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

See a therapist, they'll determine if you have a personality disorder. For BPD you'll need to see a psychiatrist to go on meds to even you out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Here is the thing, SK.

Most people who are NPD / BPD don't know that they are, and when presented with it, typically refute it and counter accuse.

This makes me skeptical of your self diagnosis. Could you tell us a little more about the history of your marriage? What makes you think you and your husband have these traits?

Paging @Uptown

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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

When you guys say BPD are you talking about borderline personality disorder? Why was I thinking it was Bi Polar?

Have a professional diagnose you, but like @farsidejunky said, narcissists and borderlines almost never seek help or admit they have a problem, most are perfectly OK with the damage they cause, they couldn't care less. The fact that you are upset about the damage caused, potentially losing your husband, and you want to change likely rules those two out. But speak with a qualified therapist and let them give you their professional diagnosis.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SK, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much emotional pain over differences with your H. I agree with the excellent advice already given to you by @*farsidejunky and @**knobcreek.* 

If you would like to discuss this with us further, it would be helpful for you to respond to *Farside's* two questions: _(1) Could you tell us a little more about the history of your marriage? and (2) What makes you think you and your husband have these traits? _And I will add a third question: (3) _When you say "I hurt myself to draw him back in," are you referring to arm cutting or some other form of physical self harm?_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

4) did the"going too far this time " episode caused you to rethink your approach of cruising along?

5) therapy will depend on what your insurance and/or pockets will cover. Do not start talking BPD or NPD to a therapist... Most don't want to deal with them. But do find someone who has experience in DBT.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm so sorry for all the pain you and your husband are in. You absolutely must see a psychiatrist for evaluation. It's possible that you are borderline but there are so many other disorders, and it's impossible to diagnose yourself. The good news is that treatment is available. For BPD, it's often long-term DBT, but again, it's entirely possible that BPD is not in fact your diagnosis. I am worried about you, though - please get in to a psych as soon as you can. Call over the holiday, leave voicemails, and consider calling the on-call physician at your primary care to see if they can help you get in sooner. 

All the best. Just keep breathing.

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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Just my gut reaction, but your post reeks of gaslighting. As others have said, true NPD/BPD do not question themselves. In fact it is a cliche that wondering is a sign that you are not. The way you describe your husband's rants sound alot like projections and make me wonder if he is not the true narcissist.

But like I said that was just a gut reaction. 



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