# Coping with infertility and family



## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

I have a very strange family dynamic. Im also a childless mother ( I'm a mother figure to many people). I've basically adopted my little sister since her home life is destructive. I also take care of developmentally/mentally disabled adults. I feel like even though I've not birthed a child, I am a worthy mother figure. My problem is my mother wanting grandchildren. Not asking when, but demanding I get pregnant. She is physically and mentally disabled and I also take care of her (hence why I take care of my sister). I know she's not in sound mind or body, but it still hurts my soul that my mother says this. She also knows my history of miscarriages. She will often argue that adopting is just inherenting someone else's broken child, which is incredibly messed up. I've witnessed adoption and its a beautiful thing. How do you think I should put a stop to this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ask your mom when she's going to sign up to be your surrogate. 

Okay, being more serious. What is the extent of her disabilities? Is her acting like this part of the disability (she says other rude, impulsive stuff)? Any therapies that would help regulate it? Can you set boundaries with her? Tell her you are not interested in talking about it, leave the room, etc.?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its hard for me to understand a mother putting such pressure on their child, but do you think its her mental disability talking or is she just devoid of tact and compassion? If you asked her to never mention it, would she do that?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Adalie31 said:


> I have a very strange family dynamic. Im also a childless mother ( I'm a mother figure to many people). I've basically adopted my little sister since her home life is destructive. I also take care of developmentally/mentally disabled adults. I feel like even though I've not birthed a child, I am a worthy mother figure. My problem is my mother wanting grandchildren. Not asking when, but demanding I get pregnant. She is physically and mentally disabled and I also take care of her (hence why I take care of my sister). I know she's not in sound mind or body, but it still hurts my soul that my mother says this. She also knows my history of miscarriages. She will often argue that adopting is just inherenting someone else's broken child, which is incredibly messed up. I've witnessed adoption and its a beautiful thing. How do you think I should put a stop to this?


My wife had 7 miscarries. Nect 2 she carried to term. Went to great obgyn and he said just need progesterone therapy. He has local pharmacy compound suppositories for vaginal use. He said her body was not producing enough progesterone to prepare the uterus to catty a child to term. By using therapy you get ahead of the ball so to speak. 

She wanted 9 kids, so with her 7 miscarries and 2 boys she has her 9. Just have to wait till heaven to meet the other 7.


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## Adalie31 (May 26, 2020)

My mother had a psychiatric event that rendered her the mental capacity of a 10 year old. The medication she was given for anxiety for a surgery poisoned her brain. It was serotonin syndrome that wasn't caught in time. She will often tell me she doesn't like small children, but wants grandchildren. She often contradicts herself. I dont think she understands at all or can help it. It still hurts. My father knows about it, and will tell her to stop. But she forgets often as if she has dementia, which she might have.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

You need to take your mother's wishes with a grain of salt. As you have already said, she is mentally ill and relies on you for her care. She doesn't really have ground to stand on seeing as you are likely already stretched thin.

Baby dust to you! We have been trying for almost 1.5 years for #2 and are considering IVF. It is stressful enough without your mother meddling in your business.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, I spent all day in the car with my wife (nurse) and I brought this up. She worked in LTC and EoLC, and had a lot of memory care patients.

The simple answer is that you have to mentally (or sometimes entirely) distance yourself from the situation, understand it is the disease talking, that you cannot change the person, and let the criticism/behavior roll off your back. Obviously that's easier said than done, _especially_ when it's your family member and something that targets a very sensitive topic for you.

Depending on her condition, reasoning with her or trying to correct her behavior could be pointless. You will have to use your own, or preferably professional, judgement there.

If she can be reasoned with and corrected, you can tell her that you will not tolerate being spoken to that way, then remove yourself from the situation. That means creating a boundary and leaving the room (if safe to do so). You have to be _very _consistent with this. Some people will also temporarily find a new caregiver, to show their parent the seriousness of their behavior.

If she cannot be reasoned with and corrected, make sure you are familiar with how to handle outbursts in general (remain calm, keep your emotions in check, validate their feelings, understand where they are coming from, distract and redirect, etc).

Try to look at the criticism in a different way. Instead of taking it personally, try to keep in mind that behavior has a purpose and it often has more to do with the person dishing it out. So if she keeps telling you to get pregnant, why? Maybe she wishes she had more kids, maybe she wants "grandparent status", maybe she wants grandkids before she loses her memory, maybe she's worried about how adopted kids will view her, etc. Maybe she needs to understand (again and again) why you don't have children. Just because she knows about your infertility does not mean she comprehends it. Providing a simple, often handmade book, can sometimes help.

Also, try to find the trigger for her behavior. Behavior like this is often a responsive behavior. Have you been able to notice what could be triggering the behavior? It is not always easy to see.

If you haven't already, it would be a good idea to bring this up with her doctor. Sometimes behavior like this is has an underlying reason that can be treated with medication and/or various forms of therapy.

Has she been clinically evaluated for dementia? If not, it would be a good idea to have that done because getting the diagnosis can help with acceptance and planning for further declines. People with dementia tend to do better, and sometimes have a slower progression, when planning is done earlier.

Don't forget, caregivers need support too. You are also not just a caregiver... You may also benefit from finding a therapist who deals with infertility. Dealing with your own internal pain maybe help you cope better when caring for your mother.

It would be a good idea to find an Aging Life Care Professional for you to talk to. They can help teach you behavior management techniques specific to her condition(s) and caregiver coping strategies. You can also contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Caregiver Resource Center for more support.

This book was also recommended: The 36-Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins


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