# What the heck is wrong with me?



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

(Brought over from another thread)


The inability to detach is killing me. I just want to be able to let go and don't know how. It takes so much self-control to not send him a text just to see how he's doing. Almost every thought revolves around him. 

He blames me for purshing him away all these years, which I entirely shoulder the blame for. The guilt is overwhelming at times and I don't know how to let it go. I blame him for not speaking up and letting me know he was suffering. He says I should've known. There's so much I didn't do, didn't know to do and yet he blames me. 

Why do I still love him so much? Why do I want him to come back? It's been over a year and I'm not moving forward. The tears still come with no warning. The emotions are still so back and forth, up and down.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

If you can. Eat. Sleep. Meditate at least twice a day. All day. Every day. Nothing else. Or do as much as you can. Its what got me through.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> (Brought over from another thread)
> 
> 
> The inability to detach is killing me. I just want to be able to let go and don't know how. It takes so much self-control to not send him a text just to see how he's doing. Almost every thought revolves around him.
> ...


Thanks for moving it, Water.

I just wanted to say that I am going through the exact same things. I can't detach. Almost every thought is about him. It takes all my self-control not to email him. It's hard and it hurts so much.

You should not be shouldering the blame for 'pushing him away'. Words like that are meant to make you feel bad. Don't let them. He is blame shifting. 

You're right, he should have spoken up if he was suffering. So should my H. As for saying you should have known, what are you, Madame Cleo? You are not a mind reader, and I think even Madame Cleo qould have trouble with such a closed mind. That's blameshifting again. Does he take responsibility for anything?

I can't answer why you love him so much or why you want him back. Maybe part of it is the comfort of the known. We miss what we knew for so long. I imagine even released prisioners who were jailed for years miss theire cells sometimes. Being alone is new and scary. I guess the further we move along and create a new comfort, it will help us get over the old one. But I know, it's hard.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I got a perfect line for this from another member on TAM.

You are not necessarily in love with him.. you in love with the idea of being "in Love"

You need to detach from the idea that you having to feel " in love " you might be able to move on.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

It took me almost 19 months to suddenly feel the effects of all the hard work i have done all year to finally see a difference. It happened as suddenly as the day he moved out. I fought the same feelings. I promise you, keep going through DC, it will pay off. Closer will come one way or another and when you least expect it.

Im saying a prayer for you Just Above
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Thanks, for all your comments. 

I can't help but think that I'm prolonging my own misery by not letting go...that I should be over this by now. He is, so why am I not? He's not coming back, this I know for sure and I thought that I had come to terms with that. 

Now I'm dealing with jealousy over a possible relationship he is in with a woman who lives in another state. Jealousy is such a horrible emotion to deal with. I find myself spending way too much time trying to get information about her...like I'd actually do something with it once I find it out. 

The extreme sadness that still seems to come out of nowhere sidelines me. I don't even wear makeup anymore. Just last week I thought I had turned a corner and then I had a conversation with him last weekend where he said, again, how his life was hell with me and it all started again. The sleepless nights, loss of appetite, crying spells. It's all such a tough process to go through.

I've read very recently that 18 months seems to be the magic number. That after 18 months many are able to finally let go and really move on. I am hoping for the same. My heart and my head need the peace. We all do.

Thanks for listening.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> Thanks, for all your comments.
> 
> I can't help but think that I'm prolonging my own misery by not letting go...that I should be over this by now. He is, so why am I not? He's not coming back, this I know for sure and I thought that I had come to terms with that.
> 
> ...


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Thanks, Frost. You're all so wise here on TAM. I just feel so far behind everyone in progress. So many of you just seem to have it together. 

If there's one thing that I have learned since this all started it's that I am weak. I have let my whole existence and identity become so wrapped up in my husband. I guess you could say that I hid behind him all these years. I felt confident in my marriage, even lucky at times, to be married to a man who put up with my sh**, my bad moods, the pissy attitude and just general unhappiness, my life long battle with depression. Now that he's gone I've crumbled. I am now in a position where I have to find myself...whoever I may be. I am starting over in so many ways-I've never lived alone, never had a time when there wasn't a male influence in my life (I've been with STBXH since I was 18, dated others since I was 15). I never had a chance in my life to figure out who I was, what I like, don't like, hobbies, etc. I've always had someone to lead the way for me. This is what's so scary to me, trying to find my own way.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> Thanks, Frost. You're all so wise here on TAM. I just feel so far behind everyone in progress. So many of you just seem to have it together.
> 
> If there's one thing that I have learned since this all started it's that I am weak. I have let my whole existence and identity become so wrapped up in my husband. I guess you could say that I hid behind him all these years. I felt confident in my marriage, even lucky at times, to be married to a man who put up with my sh**, my bad moods, the pissy attitude and just general unhappiness, my life long battle with depression. Now that he's gone I've crumbled. I am now in a position where I have to find myself...whoever I may be. I am starting over in so many ways-I've never lived alone, never had a time when there wasn't a male influence in my life (I've been with STBXH since I was 18, dated others since I was 15). I never had a chance in my life to figure out who I was, what I like, don't like, hobbies, etc. I've always had someone to lead the way for me. This is what's so scary to me, trying to find my own way.


Water, its not a race or a competition to see who gets through their personal hell first. We are all at different stages, and we all go up and down, forward and backward, and round and round. I, for one, do not 'have it together'. I thought I was doing well, but now I've slid backwards again. Don't compare your progress to anyone else's. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its all we can do.


You haven't told your story, or maybe its in another thread that I haven't found. Was there an affair?

You are blaming yourself for everything that went wrong in your marriage. It takes two. Like my H, yours did not communicate his feelings of dissatisfaction. That's on him. You praise him for 'putting up with my sh**". Water, that's what 'for better or for worse' is all about. 

He blames you for pushing him away all these years. Who allowed himself to be pushed away? Why didn't he do something about it, beginning with communication? You say there was so much you didn't do. What did he do to try and improve things?

Don't accept his blameshifting. 

You call yourself weak. Negative self-talk will not move you forward. Start affirming yourself. Repeat statements that will build you up, not tear you down:

I am a good person.

I am worthy of love.

I am strong.

I will get through this.

Write them down and post them all over the house. Read them every chance you get. Repeat them before you get up in the morning and before you go to sleep at night. When you stop at a red light, repeat them. When you have a cup of coffee, repeat them. Establish specific times and/or events during the day when you will talk positively to yourself. And do it.

Are you in counselling? You need some help building your self-esteem. A professional can help with that.

And keep coming here. We will support you in your journey (and give you a good push in the right direction whenever we feel you need it!).


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Hi Frost,

I hadn't ever posted my whole story, silly me. Of if I did, I can't find it. I've just posted the whole darn novel for all to read!! It should answer some of your questions.

You are right about the affirmations. I need to get a pack of sticky notes and go to town. I think I've always had self esteem issues going back to when I was a teenage if not before.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> Hi Frost,
> 
> I hadn't ever posted my whole story, silly me. Of if I did, I can't find it. I've just posted the whole darn novel for all to read!! It should answer some of your questions.
> 
> You are right about the affirmations. I need to get a pack of sticky notes and go to town. I think I've always had self esteem issues going back to when I was a teenage if not before.


Now see, Water, 'silly me' is negative self-talk. I know its something we say without thinking, but it is telling your inner you that you are silly. Knock it off!!  Simply, "I hadn't ever posted my whole story' would have sufficed.

I will look up your thread.

Get those sticky notes today! (Now, see this is a perfect example of how we are all not perfect. I had said in my thread that I was going to do the sticky note thing. Have i done it? Nope! But I will if you will!)

My doctor recommended something which has really helped me. I was in a low period. Adding to my stress was the fact that I felt that I wasn't accomplishing anything. Things were piling up around the house and I wasn't doing anything for Me. He suggested getting a weekly agenda, the kind with lots of space to write in each day. He said that every morning I could make a short list of things to do, small things to start, and to include one or two things just for Me. He suggested writing the list in the morning, which works as I know how much energy I have, rather than at night, when I might set myself up for too much. I've been doing this and it has really helped. I put little things like sweep the kitchen floor, water the houseplants, etc. I learned that tasks I dreaded needed to be broken down into small chunks. For example, I had changed insurance policies after my H left and they had sent me heaps of papers in the mail. I let them pile up, along with papers from other things that needed to be dealt with. I hate dealing with things like that. I get so anxious because I'm afraid I will mess up and cause huge problems. Sp I procrastinate. On my list, I put 'deal with papers', and I had to keep moving it to the next day, which made me feel like I had failed. So yesterday, I put 'deal with the papers on the dresser ( I had papers stashed in two places), but only the insurance ones'. Guess what? I did it! And it was not horrendous as I had imagined it to be.

Crossing things off the list as I do them makes me feel good. Every night, I look at the list, see all the things I accomplished and feel like I'm getting somewhere. My downfall is that I often don't do the things I put for Me. They are small, go for a walk, work on my hobby....but I am not (yet) good at taking care of me. 

I expanded on my doctor's suggestion and every night, at the bottom of the list, I put something I am grateful for. I write it as a whole sentence, I am grateful for.... Things I have put are my children, my parents, a cool breeze on a hot day, my friends at TAM. You get the idea. It helps me to remember, even on a bad day, that there are good things in my life.

I've got stickies in a drawer. You go get some. I'll hold you to it!


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

I know its so hard...

They leave with the "oh you should have known", "Oh I cannot do this anymore"

When all along they are cowards,spineless, weak people who only had the courage to go because they think the grass is greener...

Above - the good thing is you know your weaknesses and somehow you need to work on those for you, for your future relationships...

Easier said then done but remember only you can heal you and the sooner you get on the path of doing so the quicker you can attempt to release your inner most hurt and pain..

I dont know when it gets better. All I can say, the more you do in your day i.e. volunteer, bits around the house, meeting up with friends, going out friends, the less you will think about him...

Also if possible try and get some counselling..

hang in their girl

Frostflower - thats a great idea with the agenda, I have to try that - thank you


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

xirokx said:


> I know its so hard...
> 
> They leave with the "oh you should have known", "Oh I cannot do this anymore"
> 
> ...


X, here you are saying nice things and I just slapped you around on another thread! 

Take some of your own advice. Get out of the house. Volunteering is brilliant. That's on my list of things to try. What volunteering are you doing?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

> X, here you are saying nice things and I just slapped you around on another thread!


:iagree: 



> Take some of your own advice. Get out of the house. Volunteering is brilliant. That's on my list of things to try. What volunteering are you doing?


I am out all the time, I work 3 days a week (12hr shifts), I then go for long mediation walks to the park etc, I even went to the cinema alone last week...Last night I was in town, singing my heart out with a group of friends, (it helps release the pain and frustation inside)

I give food out to the homeless people in London, UK....Twice a week or sometimes more...

Its only when I come back home since Saturday (after 6months), I hate living with my sisters and mum due to their own selfishness. I am fed up of being the one in pain, hurt and sad and having to make the first move with them....When if any of them 3 are feeling like me then they all rally round eachother....Not nice. I know its life but it doesnt mean I should ignore it...


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I had to have a kick to the face to finally detach...I let her back in so many times from just a call or txt seeing if everything was ok..I just couldn't do it again.

I still get the urge to txt or contact her...albeit its over very quickly. and I still think of her often..until I remember that kick to the face.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Oh, how I want to text him, Geek, really badly at times. I actually did today to let him know someone we knew way back when had passed away. Never got an answer from him, no acknowledgement, nothing. I won't text him again. I've been pretty good about that lately. I still get the urge to just to see how he's doing, how his day is going, but I just can't do that.

Xirokx - I know I need to get out more, that's something I just don't do. By the time I get home from work the last thing I want to do is go out. I feel so beat all the time. I do have a support group I force myself to go to on Monday nights, but it's so hard. I forced myself to get out in the yard today. Did very little, but I did get out there.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

You probably always will...at least with me the desire to actually pick up the phone is gone...but the thought remains....however fleeting it is....

It took me along time to get there...


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

How long is a long time?


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> How long is a long time?


Well..she was gone most of last year...but it was because of a txt I sent to her that we reconciled...falsely for 4 months..that's when I got the kick in the face..haven't spoken to her since except for two emails about the divorce papers...


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