# Not sure what I should do.



## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Sorry if this is a bit long. 

I started dating my husband when I was 17. He was the only person I ever dated. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. About 4 years into our marriage, I cheated on my husband with a guy I worked with. The fallout of my infidelity was brutal, but my husband decided to forgive me and we made a commitment to work on repairing the damage my actions caused. However, my husband was dealing with a lot of hurt and, I believe, wanted to hurt me back a little. He had sent some sexual messages to other woman and received nude photos. We again talked through the issues we were having and agreed that we wanted our marriage to be just between the two of us.

A few years after that, I found inappropriate messages between my husband and a girl that he worked with. I confronted the girl and she admitted that she had sex with my husband. I then confronted my husband. He apologized and said that he would never do it again. He had felt like I had been cold and distant from him, which I had been at that time. Once again, we made the decision to move past the infidelity and work on building our marriage back up. Things were really great after that. 

Two years after that we had our son. I was the one that spent the most time caring for our son. I'm not saying that my husband didn't contribute. He's a great father, but I had a much stronger bond with our son. I did devote a lot of time and attention to my son. 

When our son was 1, my husband cheated on me with a woman in our subdivision. I was devastated. He apologize. Told me that he only wanted to be with me and couldn't imagine his life without me. I again forgave him. That was about 3 years ago. 

Now here we are to present day. We had a vehicle that we were trying to sell and listed it on a local forum. A woman ended up buying it from us and came to our house to get it. My husband had been the one handling the communication for the sale of the car. The other night I had a gut feeling to look at his phone. When I looked at the texts between him and the woman, there was a text he sent to her that said, "I'm sorry I was attracted to u..." and her response was, "No need to be sorry I'm just not interested in any thing besides purchasing the vehicle." I confronted him about it. He initially sort of brushed it off and then apologized. He said it was a mistake and that he only wants me. He said it wasn't going to go beyond that text. However, I believe that it would have progressed had she not shot him down. 

Now I'm just have so much anger that this in now a pattern. I will admit that I can be emotionally distant at times and our sex life is a bit infrequent. Even acknowledging how many behavior/actions my have contributed to him seeking attention from another woman, it doesn't negate the fact that he has, again, broken my trust. It feels as though I have zero trust in him and will never have trust in him again. The other night he tried to commit suicide because I told him that I think we should get a divorce and have been very distant from him. It felt more like emotional manipulation at this point. We are going to try marriage counseling but, to me, that really should have been what we did several years ago. 

I'm just don't know if the marriage is something that can be saved or that I want to save now. I don't really have many friends and am seeking some feedback on my situation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Sorry if this is a bit long.
> 
> I started dating my husband when I was 17. He was the only person I ever dated. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. About 4 years into our marriage, I cheated on my husband with a guy I worked with. The fallout of my infidelity was brutal, but my husband decided to forgive me and we made a commitment to work on repairing the damage my actions caused. However, my husband was dealing with a lot of hurt and, I believe, wanted to hurt me back a little. He had sent some sexual messages to other woman and received nude photos. We again talked through the issues we were having and agreed that we wanted our marriage to be just between the two of us.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry about this whole marriage and all the bad about it.

Now you know why rugsweeping an affair is never going to work. Because the cheater nearly always goes back to cheating. To be honest I'm surprised that you didn't cheat again yourself.

Anyway, this will not have a good ending if you stick with him doing the things you previously did.
He will continue because there are no real consequences.

Don't let him manipulate you, like the suicide thing. Call 911 if he threatens that again.

And don't threaten divorce. Just do it.
Go to a lawyer and start the process.
He can find out later.

It's time to think of yourself as 'on your own' and take those steps to protect yourself from him.
He is a serial cheater and the odds are extremely low that he will ever change from that.

The odds are extremely high that he will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate you into staying with him so that he can continue having you wash his clothes while he bangs the nearest thing that will have him.

Best of luck to you @Marebear22 I really am sorry you're in this horrible position.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I'm so sorry about this whole marriage and all the bad about it.
> 
> Now you know why rugsweeping an affair is never going to work. Because the cheater nearly always goes back to cheating. To be honest I'm surprised that you didn't cheat again yourself.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your response. No, I would never cheat on anyone again or doing anything slightly inappropriate. I could cause that kind of pain of damage again. It's like my head and gut know that divorce is what I should do, but my heart is struggling. I've been with him for a little more than half my life and we have a lot of great moments. I don't hate him as a person, but don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust. He said that I could check his phone whenever I want, but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Now I'm just have so much anger that this in now a pattern. I will admit that I can be emotionally distant at times and our sex life is a bit infrequent. Even acknowledging how many behavior/actions my have contributed to him seeking attention from another woman, it doesn't negate the fact that he has, again, broken my trust. It feels as though I have zero trust in him and will never have trust in him again. The other night he tried to commit suicide because I told him that I think we should get a divorce and have been very distant from him. It felt more like emotional manipulation at this point. We are going to try marriage counseling but, to me, that really should have been what we did several years ago.


I wanted to also comment on this paragraph.

You are right, nothing you do or don't do gives him permission to go outside the marriage.
Don't beat yourself up about that.
Those are things that marriage counseling can fix.

However, marriage counseling can't fix cheating.
You shouldn't go down the MC route at this time.
There's no marriage to counsel. There's no point. He destroyed it already.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> I appreciate your response. No, I would never cheat on anyone again or doing anything slightly inappropriate. I could cause that kind of pain of damage again. It's like my head and gut know that divorce is what I should do, but my heart is struggling. I've been with him for a little more than half my life and we have a lot of great moments. I don't hate him as a person, but don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust. He said that I could check his phone whenever I want, but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


Phone transparency can be a useful tool for people who are dedicated to reconciliation, but you're no where close to that. And besides, if you did agree to check it, he will just hide things better. There's no point. It's over. Get away from him and heal your heart.

You didn't say your age but with the math in your OP I'm guesstimating late 20's early 30's. You have a long life ahead and plenty of time to heal and find true happiness. Do that for yourself and as a good role model for your son. At some point in his life he needs to see that individual health and happiness is an important thing and it's ok for him to pursue it.

It would be really good if you could find some local girlfriends or family to talk about this stuff to. TAM is great, but not exactly a replacement for IRL.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What happened to get past your cheating? IC/MC? Sounds like he is still holding resentment and not over it. The relationship with you is no longer as important as it was. Sounds like he was your 1st and only, to some that is special, if so, he may not see you as special any longer after your infidelity.

Had a co-worker in your situation, kind of. She married HS boyfriend. She slept with hubby's friend/co-worker....hubby in turn slept with his friends wife and his cheating wife's best friend. Now he texts other women and flirts. It drives her crazy but she made the turn down this road. Either could choose to take the off ramp but neither does.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Don't have a lot for you.I was the guy with the cheating GF.Took me 3 years to face the facts.She was a serial cheater.Last time she disappeared on a Friday night,didn't find her till Sunday in a motel with some guy she met at the Dr's office.I went home and packed my stuff and she was history.never dealt with it mentally and found out a few years later she was still doing the same thing.You'll have to reach your own end. Good Luck with that. The writing is on the wall, are you going to read it?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Marebear22 said:


> I appreciate your response. No, I would never cheat on anyone again or doing anything slightly inappropriate. I could cause that kind of pain of damage again. It's like my head and gut know that divorce is what I should do, but my heart is struggling. I've been with him for a little more than half my life and we have a lot of great moments. I don't hate him as a person, but don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust. He said that I could check his phone whenever I want, but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


Good. Glad you won't cheat again. It shows you learned a hard lesson.

Let's focus on him. He's turning into a serial cheat. Was this the way he always was ? Or do you think he feels justified in doing it because you initially cheated or is he keeping score or something ? Do you think he is just broken from when you did it ? (although that is no excuse for him as he is just going haywire currently and it's completely uncalled for).

Sadly, checking the phone is sometimes needed though it's the phone bill which will give you more and maybe the presence of a CVS burner phone.

Glad you are seeking out help here


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

How many MORE times does the guy have to **** on you BEFORE you open your eyes?

And every time you report about ANOTHER of his affairs or his ATTEMPT to get himself some action, you start justifying what he did by claiming it was due to you not paying enough attention to the big man-baby.

So I'll ask again. How many MORE times does this guy have to **** on you BEFORE you open your eyes?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You set the marriage on fire, and he decided to keep it burning.

Yes, blame goes both ways.

That said, he was obviously more susceptible to being _fast and loose_ from the get go.

.................................

On his part....

If you forgive someone, that ends any revenge.

He said he forgave you, yet his actions said otherwise.

He should have ended his _Mad Hatter_ behavior after one revenge instance.

He did not.

Why?

Once a shark smells blood in that marital water, there is no end to the hunt.

He lost the little resolve he had, once he tasted another woman.

Time for a divorce.



_Lilith-_


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

What do you mean when you say that you were emotionally distant? And what do you mean when you say that sex was infrequent? Was sex once a week; once a month; once a year?


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Your husband is constantly trolling for another woman's attention. Coming on to a woman he has been selling a car to....it just proves he is perpetually on the prowl. So, the question is: Do you want to share your life, your bed, your adventures, etc with someone who always has one eye out looking for another option? Think about it: You go on vacation and you see him looking at a woman. He says he wants to go for a walk...then you wonder. It's endless. Unless you want to be a full time jailer, (and even then he will probably find a way) it's pointless and humiliating.

You can't talk him out of doing this. I won't go so far as to say it is what he wants, but all his eggs in your basket is definitely what he does NOT want.

You are not going to convince him. Marriage counseling will not convince him. He will go if you push it. But he has shown he will say whatever to get you off his tail. Deciding he wants a full time, adult committed relationship with you is something only he can convince himself of, and there is NO chance he will do this while you allow to live with him and continue trolling.

Get a plan. He's moving out, you are moving out, whatever works. Then present it to him with no discussion. Make your decisions without him.

Good luck. It's hard now, but you will be glad you are no longer wondering what you did wrong, what he is doing, what it is all doing to your child, etc.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

He's a serial cheater. He will never be sorry enough not to cheat. One can not say if your original cheating had him spiral or not. But here's the thing. It's obvious he isn't going to change. Do not let him manipulate you. You divorcing him is a natural consequence for the constant lying, cheating and general disrespect. So if he did commit suicide, which I doubt that is again his choice. Not on you or your fault.

You can't change the past so look to your future. Learn from this and move on.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

He's trolling for women, always has a hook in the water. He isn't going to stop. And he'll make you feel as if it was your fault, that you weren't enough, that you were distant or sex was too infrequent or something to justify his behavior. None of us are perfect. Most of us are faithful, even with imperfect spouses. Most of us don't seek out intimacy with those who do car deals with us. That should tell you he is always looking. Always. You have an incurable serial cheater, not a committed husband.


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## vintagefiremaan (Jan 15, 2020)

I'm sorry for your situation. To be blunt.... you started this. I think that he feels justified (doesn't make it right) and he still carries a lot of anger. This serial cheating could be an attempt to " even the score". I might suggest getting a book called "what makes love last" by John Gottman (Amazon) he has a complete section on this type of situation as well as one on how to tell if your beyond help. good luck


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It is very tough for a relationship to recover from infidelity, I would suggest that he should have ended the relationship after you cheated initially, but considering what he's done repeatedly since, I assume that he likely lacked boundaries and has been cheater deep down all along.

In the few stories on here where a couple does recover from infidelity, revenge affairs etc are typically not part of that recovery, and definitely not years later.

I don't think your relationship will ever recover from this and its unfortunate that the child will be affected.

My advice is that you are better off to end this dysfunctional relationship while your child is young, and the damage will be less. Work on the issues you identified in yourself in therapy so you don't repeat any of it in your next relationship.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

If my wife were to cheat on me it would crush me.

But it wouldn't turn me into a serial cheater.

He was broken in the first place.
Her cheating probably opened the door for what he would do anyway.

OP was wrong for sure.
But it doesn't change how this should go now.

He's obviously not going to repent and OP wouldn't believe him if he did.
Divorce.

You can remarry later if you change your mind.
He needs consequences and so do you OP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bricks said:


> Your husband is constantly trolling for another woman's attention. Coming on to a woman he has been selling a car to....it just proves he is perpetually on the prowl.


Agree. This is how he is now operating. He says he wants to be with you, but it's probably more about convenience than anything else. He can't see how he can do it alone, yet he doesn't treat you like a partner. He treats you like a valued appliance.
At this point, it is highly unlikely that you will ever trust him again, no matter what he does to repent. But he hasn't repented. Instead of getting himself into therapy and/or making a plan to get to the bottom of his cheating ways and stop, he made a suicide attempt. He sounds entirely self absorbed.
Make copies of all important paperwork. Get copies of all important paperwork that must be certified, such as your marriage certificate and birth certificate for your child. Get all your finances in order and figure out how you are going to do this. Read a book about divorce in your state. Decide if you need an attorney. You could get an attorney on retainer, then only use her for advice and do the work yourself.
Prepare your husband to be served, rather than surprising him.
He needs to see a therapist asap. If I were you, I'd insist that he see a therapist and get this under control for the sake of your child. The risk of suicide is much higher for people who had a parent that committed suicide. Your husband also needs to know this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Marebear22 said:


> I appreciate your response. *No, I would never cheat on anyone again or doing anything slightly inappropriate. I could cause that kind of pain of damage again. *It's like my head and gut know that divorce is what I should do, but my heart is struggling. I've been with him for a little more than half my life and we have a lot of great moments.* I don't hate him as a person, but don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust.* He said that* I could check his phone whenever I want,* but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


Becoming his mother or probation officer by constantly checking his phone, etc. is not a life anyone should want to sign up for. A marriage as you point out should involve trust not constant verification.

Since you care for him, I would suggest one of two courses of action. You get to choose which you want.

One alternative is that sit down with a marriage counselor and tell the marriage counselor that you intend to divorce your husband because you can no longer trust him, unless he can convince you that he can be trusted. Then go through the entire story and see what comes out of it. I doubt that he could convince you and I would urge you not to accept any lame attempts at reconciliation. However, by confronting the consequences of his cheating behavior and having to think about it, he may become a better person after you divorce. I feel that would be important as he will always be part of your child's life and being a better human being will make him a better role model for your child.

The second alternative is to go with your gut and divorce him, you certainly have more than enough grounds and you are right that marriage does require trust and he has proven he can't be trusted repeatedly.

In short go with your gut and divorce him, just figure out if you want to try to help him or not in the process.

Good luck, and talk to a good divorce attorney.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Thank you for all the responses, guidance and advice. 

I'm going to proceed with the divorce. I know that I will never be able to trust him 100%. If I'm honest, my heart isn't into fully trying to make things work this time around so I don't think marriage counseling will be effective. I don't wish him any ill will and don't want to see him hurt, but I can't continue on in this marriage. It will be difficult telling him my decision. I'm nervous about the whether he will be able to keep things amicable.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust. He said that I could check his phone whenever I want, but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


Exactly. Besides, you’ve established he isn’t going to stop cheating. He doesn’t want to lose his wife appliance, so he will give you access to his phone and communicate in other ways. You’ll spend the rest of your life waiting for some woman to show up with a baby or for him to come home and say he’s leaving with his girlfriend or you’ll be feeling unwell and he’s given you an STD. He isn’t worth this. Some things are worse than being alone and what kind of example are you setting for your child?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Thank you for all the responses, guidance and advice.
> 
> I'm going to proceed with the divorce. I know that I will never be able to trust him 100%. If I'm honest, my heart isn't into fully trying to make things work this time around so I don't think marriage counseling will be effective. I don't wish him any ill will and don't want to see him hurt, but I can't continue on in this marriage. It will be difficult telling him my decision. I'm nervous about the whether he will be able to keep things amicable.


I would highly advise you talk to a lawyer before doing anything else.

Protect yourself as much as possible before that conversation with hubby.
Have somewhere you can go if you should need it
If you feel the need to secure finances, then open accounts and protect your money first.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Marebear22 said:


> Sorry if this is a bit long.
> 
> I started dating my husband when I was 17. He was the only person I ever dated. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. About 4 years into our marriage, I cheated on my husband with a guy I worked with. The fallout of my infidelity was brutal, but my husband decided to forgive me and we made a commitment to work on repairing the damage my actions caused. However, my husband was dealing with a lot of hurt and, I believe, wanted to hurt me back a little. He had sent some sexual messages to other woman and received nude photos. We again talked through the issues we were having and agreed that we wanted our marriage to be just between the two of us.
> 
> ...


In a nutshell

1) Your husband is not committed to your emotional and physical well being. 
2) Your husband is not a candidate to being a lifelong partner. 
3) Your husband may have looked past your infidelity because he was already a wayward spouse or was planning to being one, operating under the justification that your affair made him do it. B.S. 

My recommendation is file for divorce. If he pleads to change, tell him you're still filing and his change will be evaluated while the divorce is processing which can be anywhere from 3-12 months depending on where you live. You can't play around with a serial cheater who has mastered techniques and methods to gas light you for years. You can't win at his game. 

Lastly. I'm willing to be none of these women mean anything to him. Men are often in it for sex. Period. The problem with this though is for a serial cheater, available women, married or not are willing to lie down with men so any change in him will have to be a significant transformation. Extramarital sex can be intoxicating and addictive. That's why I suggest you divorce. 

I think it's important to realize love is not enough in a marriage. So, you can love him or be in love with him, but if you can't trust him and he can't respect you, it's not a marriage or a healthy relationship. It's not good to be with someone you love who disrespects, mistreats and dishonors you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Despite the fact that you cheated he has gone in to cheat more than once and doesn't seem to want to stop. When you said you wanted to end the marriage he did the old suicide threat/attempt to get you to stay. Please don't fall for that again. If he mentions it tell him, ok I will get you emergency help so you can be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. He will soon stop with that nonsense. It's highly manipulative and he knows it worked before.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you should work it out by going to counseling. You opened the marriage when you cheated and your husband doesn’t know how to close it back. He should of divorced you when you cheated, now you have a little one involved in your mess.

You both are cheaters, work it out. Get IC first then MC.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How did you handle the suicide attempt? Did he go back to feeling ok rather quickly? Let’s tackle this and forget your cheating for a minute. If he’s been unwell and has clearly pleaded with you that your emotional distance and lack of sex is affecting his mental health, that’s a separate story all together, not an excuse for cheating. He’d be quite unwell, unable to work etc. in genuine situations, a suicide attempt takes a long time to recover from. And those married to an emotionally cold and sexually unavailable partner don’t usually protest, they eventually leave first. He’s telling you he wants to stay

So in these years of you not loving him, he would have seen a doctor?? And still begged and pleaded for your love and attention. I do know many situations where people were married to emotionally unavailable and not very pleasant spouses. These people do suffer depression/anxiety, but usually spend years and years trying to gain the love and physical contact from their distant spouse, rather than seek it outside.

I mean, if he’s having to harass a person buying a car, and yes, that was harassment (she was clearly not interested) you’ve got a big problem on your hands. As often as he’s getting lucky, he’s probably also turning women off. I wouldn’t even be checking messages or intervening, that kind of behaviour is only going to attract someone like him - a little unhinged. I would be REALLY worried about myself if I purchased something from a married man and he started trying to hook up. In fact, I’d probably report that to someone. It’s pretty bold and concerning.

Now I have to ask something about your self-confessed distance and complete lack of attraction to him (it shows in your words). Did you ever love him, are you still maybe pining for the person you had an affair with… and I’m very sorry to ask, but please be honest here: have you also been engaging all this time with anyone else? Even a friend you feel close to, someone you’re thinking about from a distance all the time? You know, like, someone in your life who you wonder about: I wonder what if me and him could be together? You do say you’re cold, you want a divorce, and it doesn’t really sound like you feel anything for him emotionally or sexually. What’s the reason?

Please note, I’m not looking to blame you at all for his behaviour, rather, to get an insight into why you reconciled and eventually had a child and stayed together despite not feeling much for him. What he’s currently doing is pretty alarming! It does sound extremely desperate and alarming, and could get worse.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> How did you handle the suicide attempt? Did he go back to feeling ok rather quickly? Let’s tackle this and forget your cheating for a minute. If he’s been unwell and has clearly pleaded with you that your emotional distance and lack of sex is affecting his mental health, that’s a separate story all together, not an excuse for cheating. He’d be quite unwell, unable to work etc. in genuine situations, a suicide attempt takes a long time to recover from. And those married to an emotionally cold and sexually unavailable partner don’t usually protest, they eventually leave first. He’s telling you he wants to stay
> 
> So in these years of you not loving him, he would have seen a doctor?? And still begged and pleaded for your love and attention. I do know many situations where people were married to emotionally unavailable and not very pleasant spouses. These people do suffer depression/anxiety, but usually spend years and years trying to gain the love and physical contact from their distant spouse, rather than seek it outside.
> 
> ...


I do honestly love him. I never have been a super affectionate person. I wouldn't consider myself to be cold by any means, but I don't even hug my immediate family. Not because we're not close or I don't love them, but we just aren't hugging people. I hug and kiss and am intimate with my husband. I don't do those things out of obligation but because I want to. 

One thing that has been an issue between us is his drinking. He drinks during the day quite often. (He's been working from home since covid). He easily goes through 4 to 6 liters of wine during the week. I don't mind a couple glasses a night but it bothers me when he gets a strong buzz or drunk. He then becomes sloppy, talks gibberish, becomes easy to offend, and stumbles around. When he's like that it's a turnoff for me. I love when he doesn't drink. When he's not drinking, he's like the guy I fell in love with. 

He's been down the last several days. I'd say sad, not actually suicidal. He's been crying on and off. He's also drinking which might be heightening his emotions. Here's why I say the suicide thing was emotional manipulation. I had fallen asleep Saturday night at around 10. He came into the bedroom just before 11:30, sat on the bed near me, gave me a kiss on my forehead, told me to look at my phone and then walked out of the room. I looked at my phone and there were two texts from him both saying that he loved me and to tell our son that he loves him. I went downstairs and saw our basement light on. When I went in the basement, he was laying on the floor with thick electrical cord around his neck and the other end wrapped around the ceiling beam. He was ok and I got him to get up after a couple minutes. I told him that despite what was going on between us, suicide wasn't the way to make things better. Here's the the thing about those two texts he sent me saying he loved me, one was sent at 10:15 and the other was sent at 11:15. Exact same message in both texts. After we came up from the basement, he told me that he's been depressed and anxious for quite some time. I told him that he needed to get help if he was truly depressed. He said that he has been dealing with it. I told him that I love him but his mental stability cannot be my responsibility. That he needs to get better for himself and seek professional help. We talked a bit more. He told me I was his world and he can't imagine his life without me. He said he will do whatever it takes to gain my trust back. I again asked him if he was going to see a therapist individually and he said he has been dealing with it himself. That's when it clicked in my head that the suicide attempt was manipulation. He wouldn't have woken me up to tell me to look at my phone if he was actually going to commit suicide. He also didn't stand on anything, tie the cord high and then kick out whatever he was standing on. 

I accept my blame in the problems in our marriage. I'm the type of person to take responsibility for my actions. The situation now is whether I can move past this again and trust him again. As our son gets older, I see myself getting paranoid as my husband possibly interacts with our son's friends' moms. He's been working from home since covid and has deleted social media accounts, that I'm aware of. He never goes out with friends. He rarely gets out of the house period. I think the woman buying our car was his first opportunity engaging with another woman in a couple years and he took that opportunity. Another reason I feel this could happen again if the opportunity arose. 

There is absolutely no one else that I think of in any kind of romantic or sexual way, just him. Part of that is because my infidelity was devastating to me. I know it was my fault and am not trying to blame victim, but I truly hated myself for a long time because of what I did to my husband and our marriage. That wasn't the person I wanted to be. I made a promise to my husband and myself that I'd never do anything like again in my life.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Marebear22 said:


> I do honestly love him. I never have been a super affectionate person. I wouldn't consider myself to be cold by any means, but I don't even hug my immediate family. Not because we're not close or I don't love them, but we just aren't hugging people. I hug and kiss and am intimate with my husband. I don't do those things out of obligation but because I want to.
> 
> One thing that has been an issue between us is his drinking. He drinks during the day quite often. (He's been working from home since covid). He easily goes through 4 to 6 liters of wine during the week. I don't mind a couple glasses a night but it bothers me when he gets a strong buzz or drunk. He then becomes sloppy, talks gibberish, becomes easy to offend, and stumbles around. When he's like that it's a turnoff for me. I love when he doesn't drink. When he's not drinking, he's like the guy I fell in love with.
> 
> ...


There's something else that pops into my head when thinking about if this has all been a part of him or if it stemmed from when I cheated. Back in the day, he would burn dvd's and sell them to people. One morning he told me that he had gotten a ticket the night before. (I think this was maybe a year after we got married). He told me because it was something that would end up being put in our local newspaper under the crime section. (It was a small, rural town). He had gotten the ticket when he was parked at a local park after midnight. He had driven to the house of a woman he was selling some dvd's to. They, I don't remember the exact reason he gave back then, ended up driving to the park. He said nothing happened and I chose to believe him. Now that I'm in my mid 30's I realize how very naive I was back then.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course that was manipulation on his part. Tell him next time he threatens suicide that you’re calling 911 and he may be taken in on an involuntary hold for a few days in lockdown. That might keep him from any more fake attempts to get sympathy and keep you from focusing on his continued inappropriate behavior. If he really wants to change, he will do what it takes to get there (and that doesn’t include continuing to say he’s dealing with it himself) but I wouldn’t bet the farm that will happen.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Now that I'm in my mid 30's I realize how very naive I was back then.


Been there done that.

Sorry MareBear22, you'll probably remember a lot more things like this in the next few weeks\months as you go through this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marebear22 said:


> I do honestly love him. I never have been a super affectionate person. I wouldn't consider myself to be cold by any means, but I don't even hug my immediate family. Not because we're not close or I don't love them, but we just aren't hugging people. I hug and kiss and am intimate with my husband. I don't do those things out of obligation but because I want to.
> 
> One thing that has been an issue between us is his drinking. He drinks during the day quite often. (He's been working from home since covid). He easily goes through 4 to 6 liters of wine during the week. I don't mind a couple glasses a night but it bothers me when he gets a strong buzz or drunk. He then becomes sloppy, talks gibberish, becomes easy to offend, and stumbles around. When he's like that it's a turnoff for me. I love when he doesn't drink. When he's not drinking, he's like the guy I fell in love with.
> 
> ...


How exactly did he think he was going to commit suicide lying on the floor? It honestly sounds as if it was staged. Plus as you say people who really want to kill themselves don't tell someone immediately before, they just do it.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I believe your husband has been cheating more than you think, and probably before you cheated the once. He wanted to work on fixing your marriage, and can't keep his pecker in his pants. Do you have the phone number of the woman he harassed selling the car? I'd call her and let her know about the divorce. Maybe ask her to write a letter to confirming he was harassing her to meet up etc. Bet his phone history is interesting in a bad way. Can you get his phone to someone who can retrieve all deleted texts, emails, photos, everything he has deleted since you have been married. Or even from before. I don't think he's been faithful since the beginning. Also threatening suicide, I would go see lawyer get divorce papers organised. While waiting on them plan a safety plan to leave. He's threatened suicide so could take you out with him. Don't let him know where you are, arrange child safety plans, visitation through courts with 3rd person because of suicide threats. Also if you do leave send the police to do a wellness check, explain why and say he's not stable. Your husband comes across as a predator of women. Who asks a woman out he's selling car to, when he is married. Dig in his phone with a professional and get everything copied onto another device so you can go through all the years. Please plan a safety plan now you are divorcing. I'm worried for you being alone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hm. You are right about the "suicide attempt." He was trying to manipulate you. It worked, until you started to think more carefully about what you saw. Of course, you didn't notice all that when you found him, because you were scared and upset. As someone else mentioned, he is obviously not committed to your well-being. He is committed to getting what he wants, even if it hurts you.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. You may have started it, but you repented and he has not. I also agree with others that he is probably the one who cheated first, based on the park incident. Now that you're older and looking back, it is easier to see how you've been gaslit and manipulated.
I recommend that you wait to tell your husband. Get your ducks in a row first. There's no telling what he might do once he figures out that you are leaving him.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

I see that people here are trying to burn the husband at the stake for his infidelity. If I may suggest, please set up two stakes, one for the husband and another for @Marebear22 . 

I think that the husband hasn't really forgiven @Marebear22 for her infidelity. She says that the fallout was brutal for her as a wayward spouse, and I think it has been hard for the husband as the betrayed spouse as well. You also mentioned that you've been emotionally distant as well and the sex life is a "bit infrequent". Is this some sort of euphemism or are you trying to minimize all that happened between you and your husband?

I think that the right thing for him to have done at the time when he found out about @Marebear22 's infidelity was to file for a divorce and complete it, instead of thinking that he'd forgive her. I wonder if there was some sort of pressure put on him by people around him to forgive and take back his penitent wife?

Now talking about the *present period*. I don't know if I'm the only one to have thought of this possibility or not, but here it is:

It's quite possible that the woman may have sensed an opening and tried to flirt with the husband and lead him on to think that there could be more between the two of them in order to get a better deal on the price for the car. Once the deal was completed, she may have feigned ignorance and mentioned that there was nothing more. And in this process the husband lost an opportunity to have gotten more money for the car.

You understandably feel betrayed with all that he's done in this marriage. I think he likely feels along the similar line as well. 

I know this is not about selling the car for the top dollar. The problem here is that the marriage is dysfunctional at this point. The question is whether you are both going to put in the work to work on mending it or just going to call it quits because of course that is an option and an easier one?

I think both of you might be better off together instead of moving onto other people with a possibility of you both cheating on them again, because you have shown to have the capability for it. Yes, you did mention that you'd never cheat on anyone again, but if any future partner asks you about this relationship would you lie/subterfuge to keep the truth hidden from them? You mentioned that you can't stay in a marriage without trust. Would you be open and honest with your future partners whenever they ask you about your marriage. Because you might not want to put them into a position that you don't want to be in yourself where they don't trust you. 

Don't get me wrong, I do not condone all that he's done since he found out about your infidelity. I think it is time to really think about what you both want from this relationship IF ANYTHING and then proceed accordingly. If it's not working for the both of you, then it is pointless to carry out this charade. 

I'm not a doctor, but I'd think that 4 to 6 liters(that's 5 to 8 bottles) of wine a week may be considered as someone being an alcoholic. Would you please confirm that and then talk to a doctor about it? Or at least ask him to do so for the sake of the kid?

If that's your picture in the profile, I'd urge you to remove it, because it's possible that some enterprising people can do a reverse image search to find more about you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Really anytime someone threatens suicide, the best thing you can do is call the police right then because they can get them in somewhere, number one, and number two if it's a manipulation tactic, they'll know not to try that on you again.

And remember it needs to be taken seriously one way or the other because if you watch the news, a lot of people who commit suicide around breakups only do it after killing wife and family so no one else can have them.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Asterix said:


> I see that people here are trying to burn the husband at the stake for his infidelity. If I may suggest, please set up two stakes, one for the husband and another for @Marebear22 .
> 
> I think that the husband hasn't really forgiven @Marebear22 for her infidelity. She says that the fallout was brutal for her as a wayward spouse, and I think it has been hard for the husband as the betrayed spouse as well. You also mentioned that you've been emotionally distant as well and the sex life is a "bit infrequent". Is this some sort of euphemism or are you trying to minimize all that happened between you and your husband?
> 
> ...


Sure we could go on and on about how infidelity years ago was wrong and how he should have divorced her. Set up a stake. But how does that help her? She's here now. She's thinking of divorce now. You recommended divorce back then which she can't travel back in time and do. Are you suggesting it matters who files for divorce? The result is the same these two people aren't having a successful marriage. RIGHT now that is because the husband is cheating and fishing constantly and drinking. Is this environment good for her child, NO. 

There isn't changing a serial cheater. and guess what. She didn't make him cheat anymore than he made her cheat. Changing a drunkered is also hard. Which might be worth it is he wasn't a serial cheat. But everyone knows you also can't change an alcoholic who they have to want to change. He just doesn't want her to leave. He doesn't show remorse and he isn't working toward a better marriage. 

Did she cheat yes. Was that bad yes. Should he have divorced her maybe. Should they divorce now, ABSOLUTELY.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> I see that people here are trying to burn the husband at the stake for his infidelity. If I may suggest, please set up two stakes, one for the husband and another for @Marebear22 .
> 
> I think that the husband hasn't really forgiven @Marebear22 for her infidelity. She says that the fallout was brutal for her as a wayward spouse, and I think it has been hard for the husband as the betrayed spouse as well. You also mentioned that you've been emotionally distant as well and the sex life is a "bit infrequent". Is this some sort of euphemism or are you trying to minimize all that happened between you and your husband?
> 
> ...


I'm really not trying to blame victim in this situation. He probably should have divorced me when I cheated. I certainly would have deserved it. We should have gone to marriage counseling years ago, but we didn't. I should have given him more attention and sex, but I didn't. My husband and I are both to blame for the state of our relationship. What I'm unsure of is if we can move on from the state it's become from all the mistakes that have been made. 

We listed the car on a local forum and listed the price we were asking. That is the price we sold the car for and it was already below what we probably could have actually gotten for it, so I don't think she had been flirting to get a cheaper price. 

I have been concerned for his health because of his drinking but he doesn't see it as an issue. 

Thanks for pointing out the profile pic thing.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the drinking seems to be a form of self-medicating.
WHY? maybe he is depressed, bipolar, some other mental issue. or it might have started with your initial infidelity, and he has been acting out ever since?

maybe you can get him into some form of mental health counciling as a first step. Once that is done....it might be possible for rational and honest communications between the two of you. and that might lead to a successful reconciliation....


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Things escalated last night. He tried to commit suicide again and kept acting like he was going to try to again so I called 911. Cops and paramedics came. Since it was his second attempt in a few days, they took him to the hospital for an evaluation. He was pissed. As they were taking him, he told me was probably going to get fired from his job and gave me a disappointing look. My sister came and got our son to stay at her house. I packed up my clothes and my son's clothes. I'm now at my sister's as well. I'm now uncomfortable to be in the same house as my husband. I certainly don't want our son around him right now without knowing for sure what his mental stability is.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Things escalated last night. He tried to commit suicide again and kept acting like he was going to try to again so I called 911. Cops and paramedics came. Since it was his second attempt in a few days, they took him to the hospital for an evaluation. He was pissed. As they were taking him, he told me was probably going to get fired from his job and gave me a disappointing look. My sister came and got our son to stay at her house. I packed up my clothes and my son's clothes. I'm now at my sister's as well. I'm now uncomfortable to be in the same house as my husband. I certainly don't want our son around him right now without knowing for sure what his mental stability is.


Oh my, that’s tough.

2 things
1 - Make sure you see that lawyer asap. You might need to get restraining orders or some other legal remedy to keep yourself and son safe.

2 - don’t blame yourself for his stupidity. You can’t control his actions any more than I can. You can say and do things that he might not like, but he his responsible for how he reacts to that. Not you. Don’t let yourself feel responsible for any of that.

Rise above all of the last night tragedy and deal with where you are right now. Get a good lawyer and listen to him.

I hope this storm passes quickly OP.
Best of luck to you and son.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So what was his attempt this time? The fact that he was pissed that you called for help says it all. I am glad you and your child are out if that horrible manipulative situation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Marebear22 said:


> Things escalated last night. He tried to commit suicide again and kept acting like he was going to try to again so I called 911. Cops and paramedics came. Since it was his second attempt in a few days, they took him to the hospital for an evaluation. He was pissed. As they were taking him, he told me was probably going to get fired from his job and gave me a disappointing look. My sister came and got our son to stay at her house. I packed up my clothes and my son's clothes. I'm now at my sister's as well. I'm now uncomfortable to be in the same house as my husband. I certainly don't want our son around him right now without knowing for sure what his mental stability is.


I am so glad you called for help. Listen either way he's showing he's unstable right now. Nothing scars a child more than finding a parent dead. He is only thinking of himself. Which if he IS suicidal is not healthy for your child and they can pick these things up and have higher rates of suicide themselves later in life. Or he's not suicidal and trying to manipulate you which is also not healthy. Maybe now he can get some help. Either way you are not responsible for him but you are responsible for providing your child a safe and healthy environment. See a lawyer as soon as you can.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Good job, @Marebear22. I'm sure that was difficult to call 911, but you did the right thing. It's excellent that he now has some outside help. He will talk about the marriage issues, not in depth, but it might help him get some perspective.

Please start reading about divorce in your state and talk to a couple of attorneys. Also research child support and custody in your state. The more you know, the easier the process will be and the less likely that you will pay an attorney for unnecessary services. Sometimes all you need is direction, so you can do the legwork yourself. I found that to be true for estate matters.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he “try” or actually try? Whatever he did, it’s totally on him if he gets fired. In my state, he’d get an involuntary hold after that and be evaluated in a psychiatric facility for at least several days and maybe longer. Good for you for leaving. He’s not safe for you or your son.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Marebear22 said:


> I do honestly love him. I never have been a super affectionate person. I wouldn't consider myself to be cold by any means, but I don't even hug my immediate family. Not because we're not close or I don't love them, but we just aren't hugging people. I hug and kiss and am intimate with my husband. I don't do those things out of obligation but because I want to.
> 
> One thing that has been an issue between us is his drinking. He drinks during the day quite often. (He's been working from home since covid). He easily goes through 4 to 6 liters of wine during the week. I don't mind a couple glasses a night but it bothers me when he gets a strong buzz or drunk. He then becomes sloppy, talks gibberish, becomes easy to offend, and stumbles around. When he's like that it's a turnoff for me. I love when he doesn't drink. When he's not drinking, he's like the guy I fell in love with.
> 
> ...


Did you change jobs after your infidelity or remain co-workers?


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Did you change jobs after your infidelity or remain[/QUOT


I switched jobs after I confessed the infidelity to my husband.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

@Marebear22 I'm really sorry that you are in this situation right now. This is a difficult situation. How are you holding up?

One of the things that I read in your previous posts is that you guys never did individual/marriage counseling. Is that correct? If so, then I think the underlying issues stemming from infidelity haven't been resolved yet and for all we know his behavior partly may stem from that.

I'm sure you are doing your best to deal with all this. Please do not forget to take care of yourself and your kids. Please lean on your family and friends to help you through this.

If you need to chat or vent, please feel free to do so here. We are here to help.

Edited to add: I hope my post does not in any shape or form come across as me condoning any of his actions. I most certainly do not. I think right now, it's time to take care of the family first. There will be plenty of time to sort out later.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> @Marebear22 I'm really sorry that you are in this situation right now. This is a difficult situation. How are you holding up?
> 
> One of the things that I read in your previous posts is that you guys never did individual/marriage counseling. Is that correct? If so, then I think the underlying issues stemming from infidelity haven't been resolved yet and for all we know his behavior partly may stem from that.
> 
> ...


Don't worry, I didn't take your post the wrong way. Thankfully, I have an amazing support systems that I have been able to turn to. I am going to be meeting with an attorney tomorrow for a consultation. I need to find out more about the divorce process and ask some questions. I'm trying to start individual counseling. Unfortunately, many places that accept my insurance aren't taking new patients. Still have more to reach out to so fingers crossed.

I absolutely 💯 percent agree that we have never really addressed our various issues and it's caused things to escalate to where we're at now. We should have gone to counseling years ago. Right now I just want to gather as much information I can on the divorce process and attend individual counseling to work through some things. I also want to make sure that I make the best decision for my son.

I also want to say that I don't hate my husband. I feel that he has things that he needs to work on. He needs individual counseling as well and needs to address his alcohol problem.


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## hi2super (10 mo ago)

Marebear22 said:


> I appreciate your response. No, I would never cheat on anyone again or doing anything slightly inappropriate. I could cause that kind of pain of damage again. It's like my head and gut know that divorce is what I should do, but my heart is struggling. I've been with him for a little more than half my life and we have a lot of great moments. I don't hate him as a person, but don't think I can stay in a marriage without trust. He said that I could check his phone whenever I want, but I asked him what kind of marriage is that.


I'm in the same boat. My head and my heart are telling me two different things. My kids are young (1.5 and 4). I didn't cheat but my husband did with the same woman..for 1.5 years. I found out about 6 weeks ago. We are seeing a couple therapist and I'm seeing my own as well. Like you, I'm not sure how I could ever trust him again. He also let me check his phone but I don't want to live my life like that either.


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## hi2super (10 mo ago)

Marebear22 said:


> I accept my blame in the problems in our marriage. I'm the type of person to take responsibility for my actions. The situation now is whether I can move past this again and trust him again. As our son gets older, I see myself getting paranoid as my husband possibly interacts with our son's friends' moms. He's been working from home since covid and has deleted social media accounts, that I'm aware of. He never goes out with friends. He rarely gets out of the house period. I think the woman buying our car was his first opportunity engaging with another woman in a couple years and he took that opportunity. Another reason I feel this could happen again if the opportunity arose.
> 
> There is absolutely no one else that I think of in any kind of romantic or sexual way, just him. Part of that is because my infidelity was devastating to me. I know it was my fault and am not trying to blame victim, but I truly hated myself for a long time because of what I did to my husband and our marriage. That wasn't the person I wanted to be. I made a promise to my husband and myself that I'd never do anything like again in my life.


Just reading this post of yours made me wonder if my husband could be changed after I found out his cheating. He never came clean though. He was pushed to admit when the affair was emotional and then it became physical with the same woman/ex-gf from 20+ years ago. He does seem he wanted to change and promised he would be fully committed if I can give him another chance. I did in the past when it was emotional. I told him to stop talking to that woman but he never did and slept with her instead multiple times. I always wonder why he didn't feel guilty until he was pushed to come clean. He said he had been guilty the whole time while cheating. But they just couldn't stop themselves. So in my case, I feel like I'm the third person since they love each other instead. I'm just his spouse on paper. I am still not sure what to do besides seeing IC and MC these days.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Hi @Marebear22 How are you doing? Hope you are taking care of yourself and your kid during this trying times.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> Hi @Marebear22 How are you doing? Hope you are taking care of yourself and your kid during this trying times.


It's been a bit of a struggle. Our son and I are staying at my dad's. Super appreciative that I had somewhere to go and stay. My husband has text me and called me numerous times over the last week and a half. He keeps asking me to come home, says that he misses me, says that I'm the only woman he wants, that he'll never break my trust again. I told him that I need time to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I made an individual therapy appointment. The earliest I could get in was April 8th. I really wish that I could have gotten in sooner. 

When he was released from the hospital, I took our son over to the house so that they could spend time together. We agreed that my husband would take our son on Tuesdays and Fridays, for now, to spend the whole day and night there. I told my husband that I didn't want him to drink at all while our son was in his care. He said he wouldn't. Tuesday morning I dropped our son off to him on my way to work. Later on in the day, my husband sent me a couple odd texts. He then called me and it sounded like he had been drinking. I left work right away and drove to the house. When I walked in there was a glass of wine on the coffee table and I could tell my husband had already had a couple/few glasses. There were also 3 1-liter bottles of wine on our counter that hadn't been opened yet. I put our son's shoes and coat on and left. 

Our conversations are just repeat of the same thing. He wants me to come home, he misses me, he wishes I was there with him to give him a hug....... I keep telling him that I'm unsure of what I want. That I need time to sort through things and that I really want to attend some individual counseling. My biggest issue is feeling like he will break my trust again. Even if the lack in our sex life was my fault or I didn't give him enough attention...... even if it's all my fault he's still broken my trust so many times. 

He said that he's been speaking with his former pastor that has known him since he was born. I told him that I'm glad that he's doing that but that he should get some separate individual counseling as well. I also told him that I think he has an issue with drinking. I don't think he feels like the drinking is an actual problem. 

I'm just so worried that whatever decision I make I'll end up regretting it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marebear22 said:


> Sorry if this is a bit long.
> 
> I started dating my husband when I was 17. He was the only person I ever dated. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. About 4 years into our marriage, I cheated on my husband with a guy I worked with. The fallout of my infidelity was brutal, but my husband decided to forgive me and we made a commitment to work on repairing the damage my actions caused. However, my husband was dealing with a lot of hurt and, I believe, wanted to hurt me back a little. He had sent some sexual messages to other woman and received nude photos. We again talked through the issues we were having and agreed that we wanted our marriage to be just between the two of us.
> 
> ...


Your husband is a lying dog. My guess is he was already cheating before you did that one time. You certainly can't trust him at all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

That part about him already trying to blame you if he loses his job pretty much says it all. He needs to blame himself but it tells me that he may already feel like he's about to lose his job and it's just looking for a way for it not to be his fault. 

And yes he is going to miss you because you are the only woman he'll ever find who will forgive him for cheating three times.

This is a situation when you should only have supervised custody to see his child. I'm sure you've seen all the news stories on TV about how many crazy men decide they really kill their wife or ex and children if they can't keep them. So it's not a stable situation. Is he stalking you at all? 

This could easily turn into a situation where he's holding son hostage unless you get back with him and gets involved in a murder-suicide or police standoff. So I'm glad you already made a record with the police department. Just don't trust anything he says.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That part about him already trying to blame you if he loses his job pretty much says it all. He needs to blame himself but it tells me that he may already feel like he's about to lose his job and it's just looking for a way for it not to be his fault.
> 
> And yes he is going to miss you because you are the only woman he'll ever find who will forgive him for cheating three times.
> 
> ...


No stalking. He's more of the type to wallow in self pity and not leave the house.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marebear22 said:


> No stalking. He's more of the type to wallow in self pity and not leave the house.


Good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you trust what an alcoholic says you’re asking for trouble. It was always, unfortunately, extremely likely that he would drink while your son was there. That’s who he is. He’s going to say whatever he can think of to convince you to come back but that doesn’t mean his actions will ever line up with his words.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> I told my husband that I didn't want him to drink at all while our son was in his care. He said he wouldn't. Tuesday morning I dropped our son off to him on my way to work. Later on in the day, my husband sent me a couple odd texts. He then called me and it sounded like he had been drinking. I left work right away and drove to the house. When I walked in there was a glass of wine on the coffee table and I could tell my husband had already had a couple/few glasses. There were also 3 1-liter bottles of wine on our counter that hadn't been opened yet. I put our son's shoes and coat on and left.


I think he needs serious help and the pastor that he's talking to may not be well equipped to handle this situation. I do think that the pastor means well, but I think he's beyond the pastor's help. He needs medical help or even spend some time in an institution that helps him get off the alcohol addiction. He needs to join AA. His parental and extended family needs to schedule an intervention. He really needs to understand that he's on the verge of losing his family if he continues this way. 

I think he's saying whatever he thinks he needs to say to maintain the status quo. Words are cheap. I don't know if He understand that. He is not backing his words with his actions. So, in other words, he is lying and does not understand the damage his lies are doing to him, his credibility and his family.

Is there a way that you can get his parents on board to get him into shape?



Marebear22 said:


> I'm just so worried that whatever decision I make I'll end up regretting it.


I hear you and totally understand. There's a LOT that is been thrown at you and you never asked for any of it, but have to deal with it nonetheless.

So, I'd suggest that you don't need to make any decision right now. Take your time. I'm sure all your family and friends see all that you are going through right now. Get them on your support team and lean on them as much as you need in these tough times. Talk to counselor. Ask your husband to talk to a counselor. 

There will be plenty of time later to make whatever decision that you make.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Was that “try” serious or just to get your attention?

Did he lose his job?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Marebear22 said:


> Sorry if this is a bit long.
> 
> I started dating my husband when I was 17. He was the only person I ever dated. We got married when I was 21 and he was 24. About 4 years into our marriage, I cheated on my husband with a guy I worked with. The fallout of my infidelity was brutal, but my husband decided to forgive me and we made a commitment to work on repairing the damage my actions caused. However, my husband was dealing with a lot of hurt and, I believe, wanted to hurt me back a little. He had sent some sexual messages to other woman and received nude photos. We again talked through the issues we were having and agreed that we wanted our marriage to be just between the two of us.
> 
> ...


Sheez, there isn’t anything to save.

Divorce him and save yourself the decades of heartache that is coming if you stay.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Was that “try” serious or just to get your attention?
> 
> Did he lose his job?


He said the suicide attempts were just to get my attention and he was never going to actually harm himself. I told him that was extreme manipulation on his part. He hasn't lost his job.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> He said the suicide attempts were just to get my attention and he was never going to actually harm himself. I told him that was extreme manipulation on his part. He hasn't lost his job.


I can’t quite follow everything here. What is your current status? I know you’re living apart but are you separating and divorcing or still figuring that out?

I thought you were consulting lawyers for D but then it looks like counseling and you’re undecided?
Sorry if I’m a little slow here.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I can’t quite follow everything here. What is your current status? I know you’re living apart but are you separating and divorcing or still figuring that out?
> 
> I thought you were consulting lawyers for D but then it looks like counseling and you’re undecided?
> Sorry if I’m a little slow here.


My knee jerk reaction was to say that I was going to get a divorce after his second fake suicide attempt. After a couple days, I decided I wanted to keep myself separated from him once he was released from the psych hold and do some individual counseling. I want to take a little time to sort out my thoughts and plan things out instead of rushing. I did have a consultation with a lawyer to discuss my options and what the various steps would be. I want to this all carefully so that I protect my son's best interest and my own. It's still a battle between my mind and heart. I still care for my husband.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> My knee jerk reaction was to say that I was going to get a divorce after his second fake suicide attempt. After a couple days, I decided I wanted to keep myself separated from him once he was released from the psych hold and do some individual counseling. I want to take a little time to sort out my thoughts and plan things out instead of rushing. I did have a consultation with a lawyer to discuss my options and what the various steps would be. I want to this all carefully so that I protect my son's best interest and my own. It's still a battle between my mind and heart. I still care for my husband.


Ok, thanks for clarifying.
I would suggest that you think carefully about this path (with your counselor of course).

You should not _simply_ take your husband back. He is a serial cheater and will do this to you again if your reaction is too ‘tame’ for lack of a better word.

I would also strongly suggest that you require individual counseling for him with regards to the cheating and manipulation. He needs to get to the bottom of that behavioral defect and fix it! Don’t let him back into your life with the situation the way it is or you will likely be right back here in a while saying the exact same things.

Of course I know you already realize this, you seem like a bright lady. But it deserves to be said again and again. And this would not be a ‘bright lady move’ in my humble opinion.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Marebear22 said:


> He said the suicide attempts were just to get my attention and he was never going to actually harm himself. I told him that was extreme manipulation on his part. He hasn't lost his job.


Yeah, I felt it might be to just scare you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you’ll likely stay (whether that’s a good idea remains to be seen, of course) so he needs to get individual help in addition to marriage counseling for both of you. Do not ever 100% trust him again regardless — serial cheaters don’t often change.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Hi @Marebear22, how are you doing? How are you holding up? Hope you are not forgetting to take care of yourself with all that's going on around you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Serial cheaters rarely change. So this is likely the life you’ll live with him if you choose to stay in the marriage. It’s difficult sometimes to break free from these types of men because life has constant drama and I think you’ve developed a tolerance for chaos, now. He’s exciting and dramatic and on some level, you have come to see love as an endless roller coaster. That’s not love though. Love shouldn’t be constant pain, humiliation and disrespect, with the occasional good day. So once you decide that it’s worse to stay with him than face the unknown without him, you’ll leave.

I hope things get better for you.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Hi @Marebear22 how are you doing? I'm concerned and wondering about how things are going with you. Whenever you have a few minutes, please feel free to drop a line.


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## Marebear22 (10 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> Hi @Marebear22 how are you doing? I'm concerned and wondering about how things are going with you. Whenever you have a few minutes, please feel free to drop a line.


Hi. It's been almost 7 weeks since the night the my husband had his 2nd fake suicide attempt and I called 911. To sort of recap, they came and took him to the hospital for a psychiatric hold. He was in the hospital for 5 days. During those 5 days I moved all my clothes and some other belongings to my dad's house. My 4 year old son and I have been staying at my dad's the last 6 weeks. After getting out of the hospital he said that he had a drinking problem and that he would do what ever it took to fix things. I told him I needed time away from him to process through everything and sort out my feelings. I said that he needed to address his drinking, that I wanted us both to do individual therapy and couples therapy. 

He would call/text me daily begging me to come back. Saying that he was a mess without me. I would continue to try and explain to him that I was very angry as well as hurt and that I needed time to figure out what to do. He drank very heavily that first week or so that he was released from the hospital. We had agreed that our son would spend Tuesdays and Thursdays with him all day and overnight. There was one Tuesday that the texts that I had received from my husband weren't making much sense. Then he called me and I could tell he had been drinking. I immediately left work, went to our house, picked up my son and took him back to my dad's. The weekend after that, my husband apparently had been drinking so much that he was stumbling around outside. A neighbor had to help him into the house. He had falling multiple times and was all banged up. 

Since that day he hasn't drank that much but is still continuing to drink a little. I've seen wine the couple of times I've been in the house. He continued to tell me that he just wanted me to come back. That he doesn't want anyone else and is doing whatever it takes to fix things. He was concerned that being separated would cause us to drift further away from each other. 

Last week on Friday, I took our son over to the house. My husband was still sleeping when we got there. I looked at his phone and saw texts between him and an ex of his. I knew that this ex's mother passed away from cancer a couple weeks ago and that my husband reached out to her to give her his condolences. I wasn't upset about that at all. However, the texts he sent to her the night before were "I'm ready to be single with you. Divorce papers on the way." He also said that I was completely out of the picture and we were separated. After he said those things she responded back by saying that she was only looking to talk to him and that she was married. She asked him to stop messaging her and then blocked his number. When I confronted him about the texts he said that in a phone call between him and his ex she was the one that first implied they should get back together. He entertained the idea because the way I've been treating him lately. He said that he was hurt that I left and felt abandoned by me. He also keeps telling me that I'm being "cold". 

We've been going to couple's therapy for 3 weeks now. I've had 3 sessions with an individual therapist. He had 1 individual therapy session this week and went to 1 virtual aa meeting on Sunday. His boss knows a bit about what is going on. He has to do daily check-ins with his boss now. Last week, his boss suspected that he was drinking (he denies that he was) and so now he has been placed on 1 week suspension. 

Part of me feels bad that it seems as though his life is falling apart. I think that if I hadn't called 911 that night that all these other things wouldn't be happening. A bigger part of me knows that none of the things that have happened to him the last several weeks are my fault. There are been a couple other things that have happened or things that he's said over the last couple weeks, but I feel like I'd write a short novel if I tried to mention everything. 

He keeps saying that I have every right to feel the way I do and that he understands, but it doesn't feel like he truly does understand. Sometimes when I'm talking to him it's like he has this warped perception of reality. I'm not dumb. I know that a lot of people would have filed for divorce weeks ago if they were in my place. I still want to take my time with counseling to make sure that 1. a divorce is what I truly want, and 2. that I'm in a good place emotionally and mentally to go through the divorce process. The whole situation is not something I'm taking lightly. 

Our son seems to be coping well still. I'm sure it's affecting him in some way, which is the most heartbreaking thing of all of this. I'm doing all that I can to make sure he has a stable, loving environment. I appreciate you wanting to know how I've been doing.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Marebear22 said:


> Hi. It's been almost 7 weeks since the night the my husband had his 2nd fake suicide attempt and I called 911. To sort of recap, they came and took him to the hospital for a psychiatric hold. He was in the hospital for 5 days. During those 5 days I moved all my clothes and some other belongings to my dad's house. My 4 year old son and I have been staying at my dad's the last 6 weeks. After getting out of the hospital he said that he had a drinking problem and that he would do what ever it took to fix things. I told him I needed time away from him to process through everything and sort out my feelings. I said that he needed to address his drinking, that I wanted us both to do individual therapy and couples therapy.
> 
> He would call/text me daily begging me to come back. Saying that he was a mess without me. I would continue to try and explain to him that I was very angry as well as hurt and that I needed time to figure out what to do. He drank very heavily that first week or so that he was released from the hospital. We had agreed that our son would spend Tuesdays and Thursdays with him all day and overnight. There was one Tuesday that the texts that I had received from my husband weren't making much sense. Then he called me and I could tell he had been drinking. I immediately left work, went to our house, picked up my son and took him back to my dad's. The weekend after that, my husband apparently had been drinking so much that he was stumbling around outside. A neighbor had to help him into the house. He had falling multiple times and was all banged up.
> 
> ...


Wow.
All I can say is.... you are handling this like. a. boss!

It would be super easy to to say 'to h with it" and divorce. Or the opposite and say "oh I'm sure he will change" and reconcile.

But you're fighting for your marriage, a healed marriage, in what looks like to me like the perfect way.
Willing to walk away if it comes to that, but not giving up without a fight.
And making H prove that he can be your husband. He has about 1000 miles to go as far as I can tell.
And I have my doubts that he can do it with the alcohol demon on his shoulder.

The only thing I would add is what you already know:
"_I think that if I hadn't called 911 that night that all these other things wouldn't be happening. A bigger part of me knows that *none of the things that have happened to him the last several weeks are my fault.*_"
The bolded part over and over and over. Don't own any of this mess.

And I really don't trust any of that noise about the ex.
I'm glad she turned him down but who else is he chasing?

I really hope you get your hearts desire OP.
Best of luck to you.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Sorry about the long post in advance i just finished reading this post and my head is spinning so im going to try and summarize what i'm thinking 

this post/thread makes me soo sad and mad, because its the same thing over and over again people don't realize the magnitude of pain infidelity causes all because the ones who choose to cheat do it for one simple reason they are selfish and therefore do not understand what love is.. love stems from and flourishes from being selfless, self denying, compassionate , putting the one you love needs before yours , being completely vulnerable because you have chosen real love that can only be built on the foundation of *uncompromising TRUST to your spouse first then yourself* and hence you will always deny selfishness ..whether you change or not the damage has been done and that's the problem. when that crack in the foundation exists everything and i mean everything comes crumbling down.. And you now let selfish desire dectate and decive you that you are not hurting anyone . that is why some cheaters say to them selves i will take it to the grave... which now means the love that is claimed *has deception as it foundation routed and grounded in self desire self gratification self self self *.. see no where is the other person considered it becomes about only you and you alone and that is the farthest thing from love especially in the context of marriage where your supposed to be a team building a place of safety *refuge with ONE person you can be completely naked with who you are coupled with vulnerability because there is compete Trust!!! * 
so when someone cheats they make a conscious effort to throw all that away notice the ridiculousness because the trust they once had was always been a result of time invested & trialed ( we all get tempted we all make choices constantly some of us well never cheat why because love to us is sacred and we never Ever want to hurt the one we Love Ever that inclues our moral compass that will never put our selfish desires above our partner!!!) ...now imagine the impact it causes when that is broken after 1 yr , 10yr 15 yr of trials get my drift !!! but love is wierd if trust is given complely time doesnt apply if your married 1 day or 20yrs and someone cheats the pain is devastiing no matter what !!!

Can cheaters change yes they can but cheating is like lying once you do it once it becomes exponentially easier to do it again and you never know which way the cheating caniving head will show itself but you have now become suceptable to thinking differently -thats cheatings gift !!!what i mean is you have now opened yourself up to all the possibilities and various forms of cheating that you maybe unaware of. you have accepted the worst possible invitation there is - Deception and all it ugly heads that begin to work on you relenlessly waiting for an opportunistic moment to strike and deceive you again

those that dont cheat have the peace of mind of never experiences those demons and purity

so you cheat and say you will never do it again what does that mean?? sure the emotionl/physical act of cheating you may very well never do but what has now happened to your thought process..
-- you may sabotage future relationship that are good because you cant trust completely especially if some of the behaviors mimic what you did

you become the person yo never where jealous, suspicious blah blah blah
so now your trust is never unconditional but acts from a safe place instead of being vulnerable another deception you have now unwillingly accepted
you concentrate so much on the type of cheating you did and not doing it again
-- you have regret / remorse why ??? beacsue of the hurt hopefully you have come to realize you cause someone that loved you more than you loved them but have you ever dug deeper and asked yourself what fear has to with regret /remorse probably not because again decpetion doesnt want you to

you are now willing to compromise your moral compass why??
you accept behaviours from your partner that you would never had you yourself not cheated


So alot of you may be asking what the hell has this got do with post 
1) hopefully make you realize the effects of cheating and the amount of worked involved in working through it and is it really worth it at the end of the day to cheat no matter the reason 

And hence bring you to the story i wanted to share ::

one of my good friends situation mimics what happend her except it s al little more depressing but the behaviors are similar
- both my friend and his HS sweattheart where virgins when they meet they dated 8yrs then got married then 9yrs in she cheats it crushed him and i almost thought i would loose my friend. he changed he never drank in his life until that DDay he was always into working out and is really good looking . so he always gets ladys givinng him attention and complimentig him but he is so faithful and would never cheat .. but after DDay he started drinking because he couldnt deal with the pain. was she remorseful absolutely did she do everything possible yes ( she made every effort to make sure he could trust her he never told her what to do but your saw from her actions - she got rid of firends etc that might have the other guys as frined on any platform no questions asked quit her job went to IC -thenn Couples together to the point where even i yes i fealt sorry for her and if you read my post you understarnd how much i detest infidelity in all it forms no exception whether just sexting, a kiss i dont care i would never do that to my SO so i expect her not to either )and i hoped they could work it out... they stayed together for about 5 more years becaus he didnt want to let her go because he loved this women. and it hurt him how bad she fealt and he really did want to forgive her i mean they where virgins when they meet!! but the drinking just got worse and worse because that was the only time it tammed the thoughts of what she did and gave him peace where he could see her again in the same light but it was always short lived.. he became withdrawn from her when ever he had a trigger so he would come to my place and drink constantly asking me how the F***k could she do this to me .. it messed with his self confidence, he always fealt second best and intimacy was just too hard with her.. all he kept saying is i just want to love her like i did but i cant and that kills me , its now me, AP and WW and that killed him. .. he by no means is a beta male .. he wanted to love her again unconditional i need to try shes hurting and i would try to reconcile with him .. but the drinking got worse.. as you can imagine that casued strain in his marriage and he contemplated on cheating on her but never did.. i knew it was the drinking that made him say things like that and obviously once in awhile he would say that to her that he should so to help him understand what it would feel like to have another women...like i said those remarks usually only came out when he had a trigger or during sex he would just stop and then come to my my place cry/vent while drinking...he honestly tried but could not get the image of another man being with his true love . he did the IC which helped he never took his ring of a couple times he threw it off at my place lol in rage . Sadly after 5yrs from DDay he divorced her not because of her lack of trying but becuase he loved her is what he told me .. i have to let her go otherwise i will crush her and im not that guy like i said they where virgins and he loved her . the divorce crushed her because they were doing good but like i said he couldnt get that image out of his mind

so they divorced and he didnt date for about 3yrs then he started but would never commit to any . he finally committed to the lady he is with now but wont get married and she understands. they have 2 kids and he has 1 with his WW .. as for WW she never dated for a long time she really wanted him and nobody else and she was dedicated on working on herself . when his 1st child was born with his current partner she still was waiting for him i mean you could see it when they picked up the kids how much they loved each other ... WW did eventually start dating again and is with her current partner i still talk to her lots because im their sons GOdfather.... but like i said when ever the kids are dropped you can tell they love each other thats why its sad . Does my buddies partner know his feelings absultely like i said he is completley honest with her about WW being his first and she gets it and she knows one thing he would never cheat on her so shes fine she trusts him and he has shown thst when commited he wont violate that trust... I dont know what WW partner thinks but im pretty sure in the back of his mind he knows if my buddy wanted her she would consider it . has she cheated i have no idea all i know is that ever since DD she still to this day works on herself and wishes she never did what she did.. i honestly wished for a long time they ended up together but he has family now and will never entertain cheating in any capacity ... 

so you see a sample of what infidelity is capable of

so @*Marebear22* in your case i have no idea what you did and if his drinking only started after DDay and how long was your infidelity .. but that doesnt excuse him from cheating on you if he has decided to stay
- i hope from my buddies story you can realize that even if you meet someone the fact you cheated before now has the potential to ruin someting special because like someone said what man wants to know the person they are with cheated but dont make the mistake if you find a speical person of being deceptive set yourself free in that relationship and let them know the truth before you get married so the one you chose to be accepts you as you are and you build that relationship on TRUST and please do not allow any form of infidelity in emotional / physical to show up you wil be happeir that way

But you must leave this man why 
1) he has placed your kids in danger period! with the drinking 
2) he has cheated so now there a mutiple cracks in the foundation on both parties and one isnt making the necessay steps to stop the damage whtether or not its a result of your infidelity doesnt matter
3) time away divorced is what you both need and if by chance you do get back together 5yrs from now you have to establish boundaries and as soon as 1 is broken by either of you thats it 

i sincerely hope your doing okay and remember your entiled to enjoy happiness aswell , just dont stop working on yourself


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He has repeatedly shown you who he is. Believe him. Why on God's green Earth are you even entertaining a serial cheating addict who manipulates like he breathes? He's no good for you and it's unfortunate for your son that this is his father and example of adult manhood.
Also, at this point, you being involved in his life enables him. After all, he wouldn't be a cheater and a drunk if you didn't hurt his fee-fees. Once you're out of the picture other than as strictly a co-parent he will have no one to blame but himself and will have to accept his actions are his fault.


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