# Oldest child and coming of age



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

All: I need your advice here. Would love different perspectives and approaches. 

*First the background:*

My oldest child, a boy, is 19 years old. He graduated from high school (in the US) in 2009. He has OCD and is more than likely has ODD (oppositionally defiant disorder). 

My wife and I have always struggled with him as a child and the last two and half years have been extremely difficult to say the least, where we've had to have law enforcement at our house in two situations were he assaulted me. 

He was put on notice by the police that anymore issues would result in the charges being pressed by me for a period of up to a year, if he can't comply with our rules.
*
Now the problem:*
My wife and I firmly believe in assisting our children get the most of their lives, yet believe that when our children graduate from high school - they can have time to prepare themselves for the next stage of their live: college, military service, or religious mission, whichever suits them best. 

Our oldest will do none of the above. He has gone through several part time jobs (quit each twice), spends most of his time on a computer (that he bought secretly and hacked into our network with - he doesn't know that we know) and spends most of his time obsessed with end-of-the-world scenarios and *probably* porn, and will not prepare for the next stage of his life.

With his mental issues at hand (he has been prescribed Abilify and generic Ativan) we also want him to learn to stand on his own and be able to hold down a job, live on his own, and be responsible in taking his meds everyday. 

One of our friends has an older son in a similar situation and they deduct $500 from his disability check every month for room and board, still expect him to do his chores (like clean up after self, dishes, etc).

My son is squandering his money on junk food, computer notebooks, ipads, motorized bicycles, Nigerian bank fraud, including repeating bank overdrafts. From his last job he quit, we estimated he saved more than $7K. We think its dropped down to less than $1K in poor money decisions.

Now he has a 10/hr week job at the Dollar Tree.

Our son is very much like a young child in many ways, his younger brother and sister no longer look up to him as a result. 

My wife and I are talking about introducing him to "Coming of Age 101" where he starts to pay rent on his bedroom, pays for his car insurance, pays his medical / rx copays (we still have him on our health insurance, but dental dropped him due to age), gets his own cell plan, and makes monetary restitution for my stuff that he has destroyed over the past two years of struggling with him. 

This is to prepare him for real life, in case something happens to his mother and me, and get him thinking about what he really wants to get out of life and stand up and take responsibility for his actions and his results. 

My IC counselor suggested that he be asked to pay rent and towards his expenses in the home. Question wife and I have is - what is best way to approach this with him - what is realistic for room & board costs to expect from him and timing of when to implement.

He is largely a "walk on eggshells" type of personality - or how the family dynamic has been while raising him. We avoid taking up these issues with him for fear of him getting grumpy, violet, or quitting his job cause he can't handle all the stress that goes along with being a grown-up.

Comments, questions, suggestions? Wife and I will formulate our plan based on the compiled feedback from this thread. Thanks for your help!

:scratchhead:


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

He's nineteen and he sounds like he's negatively effecting his younger siblings. I don't know much about his conditions, but would a group home type program be an option?
If he weren't getting support from you, would he be eligible for government health care, etc?
I think you need to find some support network, maybe a local group, maybe something on line, that can help you determine what resources are available for him. He isn't quite a normal nineteen-year-old, and while you obviously don't want to kick him out on the street since he's not getting on with life, you really should discover what options are available for him.
As far as determining what expenses would be reasonable, see what a room will rent for in your area (try your newspaper or craigslist) and figure out what portion of your grocery budget is his. Odds are, with that job, he won't be able to cover his expenses. He sounds like he'd be a good candidate for a pre-paid cell phone, rather than a standard carrier plan.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Thanks Sameold - I appreciate your response on this. Will take your advice into consideration. Any other takes?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Do you think it's a kind of learned immaturity? I have 3 boys - the first two were 'quite a handful' to say the least. Both were pulled out of college by me to come home and get their **** together. Both had a period of drug use, multiple criminal arrests, north of $100k in legal fees, fines, probation, wrecked cars, etc.... What I did with the eldest is took him back home and sat on him every day going with him to court ordered group, NA, AA etc etc. Made him enroll in local community college. The second was a longer slog - years of treatment, meetings. We decided to keep him from driving for several years in order to better control where he went and who he saw. They were both re enrolled in their colleges after about 1-1 1/2years of rebuilding. My deal was if they do this successfully with a minimum of setbacks and they get a free ride on school, 100% all expenses end to end through any graduate program they like, no questions. I also dragged them along to shul as much as possible and made them have long discussions about right and wrong with a rabbi until they could recite chapter and verse what ethics are. 

The first just finished grad school in the health care field. The second just finished undergrad and is working figuring out what he wants to do (living at home). But a long time it was touch and go - with the clear and present likelihood that it could all crash down for them and they would be on the curb. My wife thought I was kidding and she tried to end run me, I told her 'me or them', if it comes to kicking them out and you refuse I am gone and you can all crash and burn on your own. 

We had a minor glitch with the baby of the family and he was smart enough to straighten his **** out on his own or it was going to be "No more water, the fire next time" time. 

I am a firm believer in putting the actual fear of god in people but only if you are god damn positive you can drop the hammer on people and watch them crash. Which I have no problem doing. Everyone else can be an enabler - me? I will rent the truck and pack with your **** and dump it wherever you're going to end up. 

And physical violence? Aww hell naw.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have no clue about your sons mental disabilities but otherwise I was in the same boat you are now in with my wifes oldest son (21).

We`ve spent years trying to get him to live his life but he simply won`t do it.

I have finally fixed the problem.

3 months ago I told him he has until the first of October to find new living arrangements.
He has spent those 3 months doing nothing but sitting on the couch.
He has no reason to believe my eviction date is an empty threat as I`ve never backed off anything I`ve ever told him before.

Tonight the wife and I will sit him down and explain to him that if he does not leave voluntarily by the 1st of October he will be served with an eviction notice by the sheriffs office and will be eventually escorted off the premises.

This is of course a last resort but he has had every opportunity to get a life and pissed them all away.

I`m tired, and have two other kids that actually make use of the tools and opportunities provided to them to waste anymore time on this kid.


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