# I just keep hurting myself over and over and over again



## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

I found this group today and I hope someone can help me figure out why I keep on hurting myself over and over again. Let me tell you my story.

I am 22. I have been married for almost 2 years. 6 months ago I received divorce papers in the mail. I had cheated on my spouse via 2 pictures sent to a man. I had previously found pics and texts and emails and even a craigslist account my husband had used months before this. I know it wasn't right and I admitted to the pics and told him I did it bc he works so much (over 100 hours of overtime, never see him) and I never see him. We were on the rocks before this tho with fighting and the fact that our daughter will be 2 this August was stressful too.

He said he wanted the divorce. I screamed and cried and pleaded and begged. Basically EVERYTHING you are not supposed to do. He would ignore me, sleep on the couch, try to have sex with me still but then tell me it meant nothing. I finally convinced him to take me on a bike ride and we had a lot of fun that night we talked about us and he told me we could try to work things out but it was no promise. I accepted it as anything I could have from him meant to me a chance of reconciliation. 

We started sleeping in the same bed and he began being nicer than he was. Then I got the papers in the mail still and I lost my mind. Crying and crying. It hurt so bad to see it. 

He moved out after taking EVERYTHING in our house. Bed, clothes, crib, toilet paper, even the welcome mat the day before the custody hearing. As you can imagine the judge was not pleased. He tried to steamroll my character. It didn't work. I got primary custody, would have been all but I want to work still. My child support was huge too. His plans on ruining my character, emptying our house and taking our daughter proved to backfire. In fact they COMPLETELY went in my favor.

Heres one of the big problems. I remember all the crazy, crappy things he's done to me over 2 years. Yet I still want our family back together. I want to fix this. I still love him so much. 

And it also doesn't help that I have to see him EVERY SINGLE WEEK. As the child drop off is Sunday and when we meet it breaks my heart. And now he started seeing this girl who he brings with him to the exchanges. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS. We've never said anything to each other but just seeing her makes me want to throw up from anxiety. Ive tried to get him not to bring her but he laughs in my face. He now uses it as power. If he wants something he wont bring her then BAM there she is again. I cant change seeing him for an exchange bc I don't want to lose primary custody and there is nothing illegal or against the order not to bring someone else. This is one of my biggest obstacles. If not the biggest. It's one thing to know your husband is dating someone else but to have it thrown in your face EVERY week.....damn. Its like my scab keeps getting torn off. 

I'm dating a man. I NEVER bring him to any exchanges.

So he lives with his mom now and he has started to date this girl. They go out all the time and do all the things he would never do with me. Yet he still texts me. Calls me. One time I had him over and we had sex. He uses me. Will call me then won't. 

We go on and off, nice then mean, wanting to work things out then not. I'm miserable. It's making me physically ill constantly.

I see that he's crappy I JUST CANT STOP.

I want our family back. I want him back.

So the last week he was nice to me. Hasn't brought the girl to the exchanges last 3 times. We joke at the exchanges. We text on and off and we even started calling each other again, each time with me begging for him back, telling him that I changed. He tells me to show him. But I don't know how bc he has a new girl and I never see him. 

So last night I call him. Text him. No answer. I call again finally he answers. He is watching a movie with her. And of course his personality and how he treats me changes when he's alone and when he's with her. He proceeds to tell me I had my chance and that she is now officially his gf. Hangs up on me and turns his phone off.

I cant help it. I blow up his phone to no answer. I cry myself to sleep. And now here I sit. I did it to myself again. Every other week it seems I do this.

If only I didn't have to see him every week....during the week my depression clears up a bit. I still think of him constantly but I'm out in the world with friends and work keeps me busy. But then theres Sunday, looming overhead. Will he bring her or not? 

Help me...please. I feel so stupid, so weak, so powerless.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Can you do the exchange somewhere else.

How is this effecting your new relationship.. it must be rocky if you are still sleeping with you husband on occasion. Does his GF know you guys have had encounters? Does you BF know what you have been doing with your husband?


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

No we cant do the exchanges anywhere else or any other way without me losing primary custody. Our order prevents this. I have tried. My lawyer and I tried to make it an order for him not to bring her, but he would have to agree bc she never has done anything crazy, and of course he won't.

I have only slept with him once btw. I thought it would help us but after he never returned calls or texts. Then a week or two later he would text me again and be nice. I never did it again. 

But I admit I still try to sleep with him and he tries with me too but we haven't again. This last week when he was nice to me he tried and I told him no because it would mean something to me and he never did pursue it after that.

The guy I am dating knows I still am in love with my husband. I have been up front with him and tell him I still cry for him and want him. He has been through a divorce also and told me he understand. I dunno. He's a great guy but I would drop him in a second for my husband.

The stress is becoming too much.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Please stop having sex with him......he is controlling you in case things do not work out.

You must have no communication unless its about the kids. Everytime you see/communicate with him yiu have to start the greiving process again. You do not need to put yourself through this, you are much better than this. take care of yourself. X


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

I know I should stop flirting and having sex with him but I HAVE to see him bc of these exchanges.

And I know as soon as I stop giving him any extra attention besides what I have to with our daughter that girl will be back every single Sunday.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

At the next exchange take his GF aside and say.. you know we are still sleeping together. Are you ok with that?


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

I never get that close to her. She stays in the car. But I do get to see her hug and kiss my daughter goodbye EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY.

My husband even lets her pick her up at daycare.

It rips my heart out again and again every week.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I feel exactly the same. At our frist exchange I had the kids meet her at the park because seeing her would break my heart. The second time was at the house. I found that if i don't make eye contact it is somewhat easier.

I guarantee this is hard on him.

Play his game.. have your bf there standing beside you at the door for the next exchange. Has he seen you with him. If not maybe it is time.

Then during his visit he can think of you with him the entire time and what you might be doing.. instead of the other way around.


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

It's like, he tells me he thinks he rushed the divorce papers and he almost took me back and that theres still a chance for us. 

Then he brings this girl to the exchanges and then tells me they are official now. 

Makes me want to throw up


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

We exchange at the police station. We meet there in the parking lot in our respective cars.

I don't want to bring this guy I'm dating though. I don't want to play that game bc I know I will ALWAYS see her after that then.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

But he is playing you. He knows you are upset at seeing her. He doesn't have to feel the same pain. He just sees you and how upset you are. He wins.

You need to dig deep at him. If he cares then he will be upset at the sight of another man.

You need to show him his own medicine. Stop being the nice person. You want him to picture what you are doing instead of him getting a guilt free weekend with the kids.


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

I just feel like if I stop being the nice person then he will never want to be with me again.

And I just want my husband back so bad.

I just can't get over him. I can't let go.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm fighting with the same thing. I'm scared to see a lawyer because i don't want to piss her off for the same reason. 

You and I both need to get over that and look ahead to what is better for us.

I want my wife back too... I cry about it daily like you.


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm so happy I found this board and am with people who are dealing with the same bull as me.

It's nice to know I may be losing my mind but at least I'm not alone.

Thank you so much.


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

Everything inside me wants to call him...

damn.....


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

It's a constant fight. Sometimes I put my phone on the other side of the room so I won't stare at it hoping she would text me.. or that i wouldn't text her.

Your not alone on this..


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## xxxtcxxx (Aug 6, 2012)

Oh man I do the same thing!

I still live in our house too which sucks so bad bc EVERYTHING reminds me of him.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

The only part of the house that I don't spend time in is my bedroom. I have been on the couch for 3 weeks now. Only slept in OUR bed once since she left and that was for a 2 hour nap.

At night I sleep on the couch with the TV on so I don't think about things.


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