# What is acceptable on Facebook?



## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

Hello everyone I'm a new user so I hope this is going in the correct catagory.

I have had access to my wife's Facebook account for a couple of years now without her knowledge. On the whole there has not been much for me to be concerned with, but I am not sure if this has now changed.

Recently she recieved a friend request from an old sexpartner. This relationship she had was years before we met and was purely sexual- no emotional attatchment. He was and still is married. My wife was 17 when this happened.

Anyway, she accepted this request and has since stopped the automatic email alerts about new Fb messages going to our joint email acc. This is worrying.

She has no idea that I know her password on her FB acc.

There has been no communication between her and the new friend as yet but I notice that she has been browsing thru his profile pics a couple of times.

Now I am a reasonable person and understand we all have pasts and can understand the curiosity in seeing what people from days gone by are up to. She has a few many male friends on ther and I have no problem with this. BUT my insticnt tells me this is not a nice chap she is now friends with and will be contacting her to start up where they left off.

She has spoken on Fb to one of her female friends of old about him in a purely 'can u believe it?' way but that is all.

So my question is what do you think I should do? I have no reason to question my wifes fidelity in the past (13yrs) so really would like to leave things to run as they will. Should I bring up this matter with her? I do not mind admitting that I have had access to her account - I suspect if anyone, male or female, was in my position they would have popped into there spouses account now and again jsut to see what they were doing.

Should I let things run there course and see what happens? 

Thanks James


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

James,

I am very sorry that you don't trust and respect your woman enough not to invade her privacy like that. Although it seems harmless since she doesn't know and we all at times are tempted to snoop it does not, however, give us the right. But I am not here to bash your morals I want to share my advice to you regarding your post. It does not seem like there is anything to worry about based on what you read and learned so far but if you wholeheartedly think that some-thing's going on you should confront her generally and talk to her. You may not want to reveal that you have been snooping in her account otherwise it may bring up other problems just stop snooping. You could also wait for other signs. She will act different in other ways if she's being deceitful. You many not like that she regained contact with her old flame but those type of behaviors should be addressed early on as a relationship no-no and perhaps you should get your own facebook account to see who her friends are in a legit way and base your suspicions on what is seen publicly. Hope this helps.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

OK thank you for your thoughts, I welcome anyones opinion wether it is hard to hear or not.
I genuinely have always trusted my wife, the snooping in on her account has been nothing in the past other than curiosity. I am not sure anyone will see a difference between the two here tho.

Why would she suddenly stop allowing email alerts go to our email address if there was no reason to be concerned?

Thanks again


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

Well she must not want you to be aware that she has reconnected with this person knowing she may have to explain the inappropriateness of it. But if it is obvious that stopped the alerts ask her about that too. Say "hey I've noticed a decline in your facebook alerts, what's up with that?". Be plain faced and matter of factlyish. If you know what I mean.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

going to chim in..  ok the alerts well i stopped mine because more friends more e-mails and a pain.

but yes you could mention the alerts or if a joint account ask to get on with her and find some one you know... if you have your own well that will not work but i am very keen on being up front..

ask her about it if you really want to know, i mean i logged in to computer and your account was still up type of thing (my kids do it all the time to our computer) and you have a list of friends i noticed **** was one of them. ?? something in that line.

it may be innocent and stay that way (i have friends from school some i had crushes on and it is just interesting to see where there at) she had more with this one and you have to feel comfortable..

or pick the other way and keep snooping (till she changes her pass word and that will get you) or following her or just letting your mind race and drive yourself nutty.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

You are right about driving me nutty, it really is!!! 

Ok, can I ask you if you think it is acceptable to have contact with an ex partner like this without your wife/husband knowing?

Thanks again


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## KNA2009 (Jun 24, 2010)

It depends on what you both agreed on initially. For me it's a hell to the no. I wouldn't want it done to me so I don't do it - point blank.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife would be devestaed if I were to be in touch with anyone from my past. It was one of the reasons we moved towns after getting together seriously.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

KNA2009 said:


> James,
> 
> I am very sorry that you don't trust and respect your woman enough not to invade her privacy like that. Although it seems harmless since she doesn't know and we all at times are tempted to snoop it does not, however, give us the right. But I am not here to bash your morals I want to share my advice to you regarding your post. It does not seem like there is anything to worry about based on what you read and learned so far but if you wholeheartedly think that some-thing's going on you should confront her generally and talk to her. You may not want to reveal that you have been snooping in her account otherwise it may bring up other problems just stop snooping. You could also wait for other signs. She will act different in other ways if she's being deceitful. You many not like that she regained contact with her old flame but those type of behaviors should be addressed early on as a relationship no-no and perhaps you should get your own facebook account to see who her friends are in a legit way and base your suspicions on what is seen publicly. Hope this helps.


:iagree: I agree with this. I would be furious to learn that my husband was snooping on my account. Esp. if I have never given him a reason or a cause to snoop. 

And here is another thing to think about. Since she has not made any moves toward this man, it does seem like her intentions with him are innocent. But if you come along and reveal that you have been snooping in her account and your are upset about this man--well that may just put ideas in her head that are not there. I know if I found out that my hubby was snooping on my FB and how he is upset about a male FB friend--well I would almost be tempted to give him something to really worry about. Don't give her any reason or excuse to drive her into the arms of this man.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

jamesblack said:


> OK thank you for your thoughts, I welcome anyones opinion wether it is hard to hear or not.
> I genuinely have always trusted my wife, the snooping in on her account has been nothing in the past other than curiosity. I am not sure anyone will see a difference between the two here tho.
> 
> Why would she suddenly stop allowing email alerts go to our email address if there was no reason to be concerned?
> ...


I put a stop to e-mail alerts going to my e-mail box, because I was getting tons of e-mail alerts and had to dig through the FB stuff. So now I just check my alerts when I log on to FB.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

But surely it is an issue now that I know? (no matter how I know)

The email alerts were few and far between, we only use email occasionaly and have no more than about 12-15 a week to read/delete so the cluttering up our inbox just isnt the reason.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

It is only an issue because you are making it an issue. You are allowing your imagination to run wild with possibilities instead of seeking the truth and just asking your wife, who has supposedly never given you a good reason not to trust her. It is you who has betrayed your wife’s trust not the other way around. Ask her straight up, you will be able to tell if she’s hiding something. Did the friend request notification reach your email inbox prior to her canceling the update emails? If so you have a legitimate reason for knowing about the request and a legitimate reason for asking. So ask her. If not simply ask her why the facebook emails stopped coming. And then stop snooping! If not because you value your wife’s trust then to keep from driving yourself unnecessarily crazy.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

James, I have a different perspective on this than the others. My wife has a FB account (I do not), and one of the stipulations was I get the password (we also know the passwords to the other's email, phones, etc. And no, I don't look at my wife's FB account and email very often, just like I doubt she reads my email at all. If she does read it every day, or several times a day, that's fine. I have nothing to hide.). This is not an unreasonable request and ensures accountability and an open and honest marriage. Your wife shouldn't be sending posts or messages that she wouldn't want you to read. For all of you who think this an invasion of privacy -- 25% of affairs today start via contact made on social networking sites. If you don't believe that, just ask any marriage counselor. And yes, I do realize that most spouses can have an unmonitored account and not cheat. But I also know some individuals who were in good marriages and didn't think they would ever cheat, only to find out later how wrong they were. Anyone can become involved in a affair under the right circumstances, and one of the required elements is secrecy.

I'm a little uncomfortable with the snooping. I would simply ask her for the password. If she doesn't have access to all of your electronic media, you should be willing to provide it, because you shouldn't be hiding anything either.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

My wife and I have Facebook accounts, e-mail accounts, etc. I do NOT know her passwords and she does NOT know mine. We trust each other implicitly as neither of us has ever been given a reason to not trust each other. I have Ex's on my facebook and she does as well. 

Unless your wife has ever given you a reason to not trust her with her fidelity, you need to back off from her. Your "lying" just as bad as she is "lying" because she does not know you are snooping and that you know her password. How is what she is supposibly "doing" much worse then what you are doing by accessing her stuff without her knowledge? 

You seem to have some self confidence issues if the fact that her simply re-connecting with someone from her past bothers you that much. IMO


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> You seem to have some self confidence issues if the fact that her simply re-connecting with someone from her past bothers you that much. IMO


That's a pretty ridiculous comment, considering the man in question was banging james' wife when his wife was 16 and he was 20+ years older. This wouldn't bother you? What kind of 30+ something y/o man looks for a 16 y/o as sex partner?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

FOM said:


> James, I have a different perspective on this than the others. My wife has a FB account (I do not), and one of the stipulations was I get the password (we also know the passwords to the other's email, phones, etc. And no, I don't look at my wife's FB account and email very often, just like I doubt she reads my email at all. If she does read it every day, or several times a day, that's fine. I have nothing to hide.). This is not an unreasonable request and ensures accountability and an open and honest marriage. Your wife shouldn't be sending posts or messages that she wouldn't want you to read. For all of you who think this an invasion of privacy -- 25% of affairs today start via contact made on social networking sites. If you don't believe that, just ask any marriage counselor. And yes, I do realize that most spouses can have an unmonitored account and not cheat. But I also know some individuals who were in good marriages and didn't think they would ever cheat, only to find out later how wrong they were. Anyone can become involved in a affair under the right circumstances, and one of the required elements is secrecy.
> 
> I'm a little uncomfortable with the snooping. I would simply ask her for the password. If she doesn't have access to all of your electronic media, you should be willing to provide it, because you shouldn't be hiding anything either.


+1 I totally agree with this and have to say I would not be Ok with her becomming friends with someone she has a past with. I do have a question, do you think she would be OK with you becomming friends with an X girlfriend?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FOM said:


> That's a pretty ridiculous comment, considering the man in question was banging james' wife when his wife was 16 and he was 20+ years older. This wouldn't bother you? What kind of 30+ something y/o man looks for a 16 y/o as sex partner?


No, not in the least bit. My wifes last boyfriend before me was 29 and she was 16 at the time. Her previous relationships were her previous relationships. We are together now, not her ex. So what she did with him is in the past, not now. She has him on her facebook page and they still talk. I know my wife loves me and we are the ones married, not him and her. I guess it comes down to the fact we have total trust with each other.

Do I think my wife or his made a good decision in the past? No. But that was then, this is now. I am not going to hold someones past mistakes against them especially when they were mistakes when they weren't even made when we were together!

And FYI, we have been together for 13 years, married for 10 so it's not like we are in the "honeymoon" phase of a marriage. We have a long track record of knowing we can trust each other...


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Most people would consider a 35 y/o who bangs 16 y/o's to be a predator, not a friend.

Crypsys, I hope you have a long and happy marriage, but 10 years is nothing. Take a look around and you'll find 20, 30, even 40 year marriages that are wrecked by infidelity.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FOM said:


> Most people would consider a 35 y/o who bangs 16 y/o's to be a predator, not a friend.


I can understand that viewpoint FOM and I'm not trying to argue that point. What I am trying to disagree with is trust within a relationship. My wife is an adult now, if she doesn't harbor ill feelings towards the man then she's welcome to stay friends with him.



FOM said:


> Crypsys, I hope you have a long and happy marriage, but 10 years is nothing. Take a look around and you'll find 20, 30, even 40 year marriages that are wrecked by infidelity.


Actually in this day and age 10 years is something, many marriages don't even make it that long. But, if you look around you will find marriages of all different times failing, its because we are all human an imperfect. My wife and I have had more then a few friends marriages dissolve due to cheating, dishonesty, etc. We both are aware it's there. We are not some kind of doe eyed innocents. We both come from broken families due to cheating so we have both experienced it personally.

I will not look around corners for some bogeyman that's not there. I understand it CAN happen, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to happen. Sometimes being overly paranoid can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Unless I have a reason to not trust my wife, she will receive my utter and complete trust. I would not have been able to marry her if I had any doubts or reservations about her honesty.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Actually in this day and age 10 years is something, many marriages don't even make it that long.
> 
> Unless I have a reason to not trust my wife, she will receive my utter and complete trust. I would not have been able to marry her if I had any doubts or reservations about her honesty.


Well I use to think like that and heres what it got me. While I was respecting my wifes privacy see opened 3 CC accounts charged $10,000 on them of which I get to pay half of and she leaves with a guy she met on FB.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Crypsus, just to be clear, I trust my wife. It's all of the guys out there who would like to get in her pants that I don't trust.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FOM said:


> Crypsus, just to be clear, I trust my wife. It's all of the guys out there who would like to get in her pants that I don't trust.


That doesn't make any sense FOM. My interpretation of that statement reads "I trust my wife, but she is unable to say no to other guys"? I mean if you trust your wife, then why do you have to worry about the other guys? Your wife is a big girl and knows when she should stop a friendship with someone else. If your not sure she is able to do that, then do you completely trust your wife?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> Well I use to think like that and heres what it got me. While I was respecting my wifes privacy see opened 3 CC accounts charged $10,000 on them of which I get to pay half of and she leaves with a guy she met on FB.


That sucks Brewster, and I really feel for you as my father did almost exactly the same thing to my mother. I know what kind of pain and trouble it caused us for a long time. 

But everyone is NOT your wife, not everyone lies, cheats, steals and only looks out for themselves. I know it can happen to me, I truly do understand that. I also know I can get in a car wreck, choke on food, get murdered, etc. My statement remains though that I will not worry about something just because it's an outside possibility, I will not live life that way. I've seen what living life that way does, my mom takes a host of pills for anxiety, worry, depression, etc. 

Each of us is different and deals with life differently. There is more then 1 way to skin a cat with how to live a good and fruitful life. I'm just letting the OP know there are other ways to live rather then having to be worried about everything..


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> That sucks Brewster, and I really feel for you as my father did almost exactly the same thing to my mother. I know what kind of pain and trouble it caused us for a long time.
> 
> But everyone is NOT your wife, not everyone lies, cheats, steals and only looks out for themselves. I know it can happen to me, I truly do understand that. I also know I can get in a car wreck, choke on food, get murdered, etc. My statement remains though that I will not worry about something just because it's an outside possibility, I will not live life that way. I've seen what living life that way does, my mom takes a host of pills for anxiety, worry, depression, etc.
> 
> Each of us is different and deals with life differently. There is more then 1 way to skin a cat with how to live a good and fruitful life. I'm just letting the OP know there are other ways to live rather then having to be worried about everything..


You are right, and I dont really know how to respond to that. I thought I could trust my wife and for 8.5 years I could but I will say total trust has ruined my life now and really I dont even know why, I didnt even see it comming. Im not telling anyone not to trust their wife but for me my wife wasnt the same after the change and turned into a total different person. Im not the first person on these boards that a trustworthy, loving wife, turned into a monster. I dont know the answer to this issue but I know in my case I wish I trusted a little less.


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## jamesblack (Jun 24, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your comments, as I have already said, I welcome all.
I suppose these next few days/weeks are going to be a true test of my wife's fidelity. I know that sounds so unfair and I will probably be berated for the thought. 
I do somewhat agree with most of you that suggest I am invading her privacy. I do not feel particularly good about myself after reading many of your thoughts on my actions.
However. I do fully believe that the introduction of this man into our lives, however slightly at the moment, is a very negative thing and can only lead to difficulties. I am going to continue monitoring the online activities for a while and see what happens.

Please continue to offer any thoughts or suggestions. I will be checking in on the thread and will update you all on what transpires whatever the outcome is ,I truly hope you can all say 'I told you so'.

Thanks again
James


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I also know I can get in a car wreck, choke on food, get murdered, etc. My statement remains though that I will not worry about something just because it's an outside possibility, I will not live life that way.


I don't worry about those things either, but I do wear a safety belt, I don't drive fast (well, not more 10 mph over the limit), I avoid bad parts of town, especially after dark -- you get the idea. None of us are in complete control of our destiny. You can still be injured or die even after taking precautions, but the risk is minimized. Openness in marriage is the same. It minimizes the risk of having an affair.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

FOM said:


> I don't worry about those things either, but I do wear a safety belt, I don't drive fast (well, not more 10 mph over the limit), I avoid bad parts of town, especially after dark -- you get the idea. None of us are in complete control of our destiny. You can still be injured or die even after taking precautions, but the risk is minimized. Openness in marriage is the same. It minimizes the risk of having an affair.


Sure man, and I understand it. If I asked my wife for her passwords to her facebook, email, etc i'm sure she'd probably give them to me. I know I'd give her mine if she asked. But accessing them without her knowledge is a different matter in my opinion. 

Using your car analogy i'd call asking your spouse for their passwords if you were worried the seatbelt, etc. But the act of getting their passwords without their knowledge would equate to never taking a right turn because once 10 years ago you made a right turn and got in an accident. Or never driving on the freeway because you knew a guy who died in a wreck.

I guess it all just depends on a persons point of view.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jamesblack, have you ever read the book His Needs Her Needs? It is an absolute bible on how to keep your marriage fresh, loving, and affair-proof. Well, it doesn't guarantee it, but it does show you what you need to be doing, so that she has no REASON to look him up ever again. As long as you are continuing to knock her socks off in every way, she would have no reason to hear from him again.


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