# Deleted



## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Welcome to the forum. It definitely sounds like your wife is confused and having some kind of crisis.
Her pattern of behavior does fit someone who might be fixated about someone else.
Have you ruled out an emotional or physical affair? This is not necessarily the case, but if it is, then
Its a whole new ballgame. 

I would rule that out first and deal with it from there.

Many of us here have gone through what you are going through. A confused spouse in crises.


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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Im really sorry you find yourself here, questions to ask yourself, do you have things in common or are you in the fallacy of invested time?

Are there financial pressures in your relationship?

The big one, and really think about this, are you willing to gamble the prime decade of your life on someone that will flake on you when the going gets tough? 

Its a horrible thing to think about, but its crucial to understand that if there is no outside influences it is purely your dynamic that has led to this emotional crisis


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

What is she going to work out in her head while living at her parents house? That she is ok without you, that's about all. One of the worst things a couple can do is separate and give each other space, not talking every day. When you are together and committed, you can work through things. When you are separate and you work on yourself, you find things to nitpick about the other and there is no bonding. I know a very good marriage counselor who told a separated couple that they needed to move back in together and show a committment or he could not help them. I wish you two had tried marital therapy first. Maybe she felt like a failure after a failed attempt at getting pregnant. There are doctors who can help you get pregnant in most cases. Not a problem. I am not sure where to tell you to go from here. I just wish you had never agreed with separation or giving space so you can work out your lives individually. You are no longer bonding and growing as a couple. You are growing apart. It's a plan for divorce.


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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Seperation rarely helps and usually leads to divorce. 
You may need to decide how long you will give her because this limbo situation may go on for many months or even years which is hardly fair on you.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I hesitate to give this information, but you know your wife better than any so I'll let you either dismiss it out of hand or look into the possibility.

I have seen this behaviour before, one partner had an affair and the affair partner dumped them, they were grief stricken, the poor betrayed didn't know what was going on, they separated with out the betrayed spouse ever knowing why. This was because the affair was over before the marriage fell apart. 

Hope that makes sense


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

If you get in the place that you need to make the decision, that you give up, don't be afraid to let her know. It will take you out of this purgatory you are in. Not saying that you want to do this, but if you decide you want to move on and divorce, let her know and all of this uncertainty becomes another kind of uncertainty, but you at least can plan and see the horizon. I have already put in my two cents but I suspect if you get back together, this will happen again. Maybe over and over until 10 or 20 years from now you call it quits.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Please do not dismiss outright the possibility and even likelihood that she is seeing, talking to or interested in someone else. and no, if you ask her (as it appears you did) she will not tell you. 

It took to post 11 to say this?


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## insighttherapy (Sep 2, 2021)

It seems your wife has been confused about the baby situation and don't ready to accept the chance. Do one thing, Just do busy yourself and don't text her and all. Because if you will try to reach out to her then only the arguments will be there nothing else. I have also faced this kinda problem so give her space without any meetings and all. Just try to show her you are happy and easily living your life. When she will see you happy, she will definitely try to reach you and will do some arguments but that would be in a positive way. And that time you can be together again.

But make sure you need to make yourself around her and you just need to ignore her. Because if you will do totally cut off with her that will be the cause of her attraction with someone else.

Try this, this will be helpful

Good Luck dear.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I would stop talking full stop. All these conversations are not leading anywhere, except further apart. Have you tried shortly and sweetly agreeing with her? And leaving it at that? Absolutely no more talking about the puppy, the future? ‘Yes, I think you’re right, it’s not a good idea to have a baby together. I agree with you’. And leave it at that. And do your grieving in private, and discuss all the other stuff with your friends and family. Not with her.

Really just agree with her, stop meeting and talking for hours, and don’t text her or ask her any questions. If she stays at her parents, doesn’t get in touch with you, you stop chasing her, and then you have your answer. And eventually get that divorce.

I am a little confused about the conception too? You said she’s been pregnant before? Any chance she has had or does have an std? There have been cases where a couple can’t fall pregnant and one party is often hiding something. Or secretly doesn’t want a child, hangs around until some sort of fertility treatment, and either suddenly falls pregnant, or bails. Food for thought.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What kind of OCD do you have?


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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MCR said:


> To be honest I’ve never been diagnosed, but many people say I have it because of how tidy and clean I am. I like the kitchen cleaned a certain way because when my partner did it, it wasn’t up to “my standard” but that’s only because I thought it wasn’t clean enough (could still see marks from cooking etc)
> 
> I’m also particular about having the house tidy. House proud I guess. Having loads of people in the house stresses me out because I think of how much I’ve got to clean up after. So I’ve not been so keen on having big gatherings/bbq’s etc where as my partner loves that and loves to be social. I do but not when it’s my own house. That’s my fault. I need to compromise more and to be honest after COVID I did start to ease on these feelings. And when we had a puppy I had no choice after a few weeks because there is nothing you can do about it. It’s a puppy at the end of the day and they know no different. That would be my view on kids. I couldn’t continue to be so worried about “my standard” of cleaning when I baby comes along. Because that’s no achievable for a normal person. And I would of eased off.


Can you get therapy for that? Can't be easy living with OCD.


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## xxxxxxxx (Nov 15, 2021)

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MCR said:


> I am yes. It’s very helpful. My wife knows I am. But surely that isn’t grounds to abandon a 10 year relationship whilst trying for a baby for the past 12 months?


I find your use of the term 'grounds' very interesting. This is the basis for which your OCD is compelling you to disagree with her decision.

News flash:

She needs no 'grounds' for which to end the relationship other than her want to do so.

She does not have to adhere to your worldview or ruleset, and every moment you insist on doing so (whether overtly or subconsciously) will continue to feed your obsession.

She is free to leave at any time. Accept it, and you are on your way to healing, whether it be with or without her. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MCR said:


> But surely that isn’t grounds to abandon a 10 year relationship whilst trying for a baby for the past 12 months?


It's very difficult to tell. I was married to a person with OCD (not like yours - recurring catastrophic thoughts) and it does wear you out. That said, if my wife decided to try therapy (she never did), I would have been supportive. But we are all different.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I find your use of the term 'grounds' very interesting. This is the basis for which your OCD is compelling you to disagree with her decision.
> 
> News flash:
> 
> ...


Isn't this a bit harsh? He is in therapy and trying to get better.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Isn't this a bit harsh? He is in therapy and trying to get better.


So just because he's in therapy he doesn't need to be told and accept the truth? Do we tell him to continue being OCD in respect of the relationship? do we tell him to continue trying to "force" upon her that she needn't leave this relationship and stay. NO. He needs to leave her alone, and accept that she might not be coming back. Better to prepare for the worse (emotionally) so that he can handle it when the inevitable comes. Plus @farsidejunky didn't say anything harsh. he just stated the facts.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Isn't this a bit harsh? He is in therapy and trying to get better.


It may have come through as harsh sounding, but I wasn't trying to convey a scolding tone.

I was more trying to be direct than anything, and it may have gotten lost in translation.

That said, he is owed the truth, even if it is uncomfortable.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe it wasn’t harsh and the OP needed to hear the truth, but now he's gone.


Unfortunately, this is the typical response of men like this OP. These are individuals that are not able to handle the true when told; which is one of the reasons why their relationship goes south.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

@MattMatt maybe you can close this thread since the harsh police had made another arrest... 🙂


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