# I feel like I'm being haunted



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I was with my ex 20 years. When I gave him the final boot, I was emotionally battered and bruised. Took me a few years to heal that. Even though we were separated and had NO contact, his death left me reeling. I did, but didn't, see it coming. That being said, I wasn't prepared. You simply can't be. It's very hard to explain my emotions at that time, as I didn't love him anymore. 

It's been almost 7 years since his death. I still have nightmares about him. NEVER anything good, always the nightmares. I just don't understand them. I always awake, terrified..and SO GRATEFUL that the man that is lying beside me is there. The good one. The one I always have the most awesome dreams about! 

I want my ex to go away and leave me alone. I wanted that 10 years ago, I want it still today. I just do NOT understand why I keep having nightmares, I don't get it. It's not like something happened, or I was thinking about him, or anything. It's just THERE. And I want it to go away, and don't know how to make that happen.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Have you ever gone to therapy for this? Do you think some type of ritualistic, metaphorical exorcism might get rid of the ghost? Our subconscious minds are not as kind to us as our conscious minds. I'm sorry you ever had to suffer abuse!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I went to counseling once several years ago. When the therapist screamed at me "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" I told him for one thing, I'd be walking out of the office and never returning. I know..I should have sought out another therapist. And I'm one to advocate for therapy...not so much for myself, though. 40 years of crap to wade through, and I'm not so sure I want to dive in, you know? 

It's just this ONE thing. Makes me wonder if a therapist would deal with just THIS issue, and not want to get into the last 40 years? I'm at a very good place in my life and don't care to revisit the past. It's just this ONE thing. Maybe I need a priest after all.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I went to counseling once several years ago. When the therapist screamed at me "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" I told him for one thing, I'd be walking out of the office and never returning. I know..I should have sought out another therapist. And I'm one to advocate for therapy...not so much for myself, though. 40 years of crap to wade through, and I'm not so sure I want to dive in, you know?
> 
> It's just this ONE thing. Makes me wonder if a therapist would deal with just THIS issue, and not want to get into the last 40 years? I'm at a very good place in my life and don't care to revisit the past. It's just this ONE thing. Maybe I need a priest after all.


I'm thinking there are therapists who wouldn't compel you to delve into any issues except the one you want to deal with.
Some would be receptive to you saying "look, this is my problem and all other areas of my life are good. I'd like to focus on the goal of eliminating this problem."
that said...you may need to discover why he keeps haunting you in your dreams to this day, and you can't predict how you might need to find that out.
If it's really interfering with your peace and well-being, it could be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And..FWIW...

My high school boyfriend (I know--high school, wow!) was a self-centered, manipulative narcissist who took advantage of me and broke my heart..,.first love, strong formative impression and all that, and quite possibly part of the reason I subsequently made some self-destructive decisions.

15 years later, he STILL shows up in my dreams from time to time.
I really am not sure why.

My point is...he made a deep and lasting impression on your psyche, so it makes sense that he still shows up.
It just happens to cause you distress, so it's worth it to do what you need in order to expel him.
Do you carry guilt about him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I can understand it is difficult for this kind of long term pain and humiliation to go away. 

Deep down in my heart, I have buried this kind of insult too. I feel like throwing up if I think about this. 

I never dreamed about this, so my damage was not too severe, but just by thinking of it makes me feel disgusted. 

Sometimes I don't understand why I like to help men, some of them have hurt me so much in my past, I should feel disgusted by them. Maybe my loving husband has changed my attitude towards men, it is so easy for me to change. 

I don't care what kind of life they have now, I don't let them haunt me. Letting my past haunt me is really unwise for me to do, it is not healthy for me, mentally or physically, so for my own health, I know I have to bury my ugly past. 

Or I have chosen to forgive them, even without them asking me to forgive them!


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## zohaib (Dec 24, 2010)

It seems funny..
it is just a imagination of yours.
the more u wil think about him the more you will be afraid.

So try to be busy in your daily life.
and try not to remember him/Her.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I was with my ex 20 years. When I gave him the final boot, I was emotionally battered and bruised. Took me a few years to heal that. Even though we were separated and had NO contact, his death left me reeling. I did, but didn't, see it coming. That being said, I wasn't prepared. You simply can't be. It's very hard to explain my emotions at that time, as I didn't love him anymore.
> 
> It's been almost 7 years since his death. I still have nightmares about him. NEVER anything good, always the nightmares. I just don't understand them. I always awake, terrified..and SO GRATEFUL that the man that is lying beside me is there. The good one. The one I always have the most awesome dreams about!
> 
> I want my ex to go away and leave me alone. I wanted that 10 years ago, I want it still today. I just do NOT understand why I keep having nightmares, I don't get it. It's not like something happened, or I was thinking about him, or anything. It's just THERE. And I want it to go away, and don't know how to make that happen.


major misfit,

Is it possible that some part of you still seeks closure? Even though you broke the relationship off, it seems that there is something left unresolved. Let me ask you something. Did he ever apologize to you for his abuse? If not, it's possible that this is the closure that you never received. And, perhaps you want that apology/closure. And, since that never happened, you continue to have nightmares because you have never seen him evolve beyond the abusive person that was cruel to you.

Hell, I could be way off but please let me know if you think that what I said is possible. If you get to the root of what's driving these feelings and nightmares, then you can find some peace. Good luck.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I was with my ex 20 years. When I gave him the final boot, I was emotionally battered and bruised. Took me a few years to heal that. Even though we were separated and had NO contact, his death left me reeling. I did, but didn't, see it coming. That being said, I wasn't prepared. You simply can't be. It's very hard to explain my emotions at that time, as I didn't love him anymore.
> 
> It's been almost 7 years since his death. I still have nightmares about him. NEVER anything good, always the nightmares. I just don't understand them. I always awake, terrified..and SO GRATEFUL that the man that is lying beside me is there. The good one. The one I always have the most awesome dreams about!
> 
> I want my ex to go away and leave me alone. I wanted that 10 years ago, I want it still today. I just do NOT understand why I keep having nightmares, I don't get it. It's not like something happened, or I was thinking about him, or anything. It's just THERE. And I want it to go away, and don't know how to make that happen.


It sounds like you have unfinished business with your ex. Dreams speak the symbolic language of our subconscious. 
I believe that the dead communicate with us through dreams. I have beloved aunt that visits me in my dreams all the time. We talk about what is going on in my life and she offers her opinion.
Your ex is tormenting you from wherever he ended up.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Have you truely forgiven him for all the abuse. By forgiving sets you free. Search within to be sure you have forgiven him. 

Just a thought. Maybe reading about peoples issues on this forum may trigger an emotion within yourself that takes you back to the hurt you felt from this man.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have an odd suggestion that helped me TREMENDOUSLY. 

If you remember, major misfit, my exH was pretty abusive also and I was definitely in the co-dependent, enmeshed kind of role ... and I fought like heck to move on and get out of it. Still, like you, there were some things that just lingered as if they were simmering in the back of my mind all the time. 

Sooooo...one day I had a little "Ceremony." Bear in mind this is nothing religious or anything, but I wanted it to be symbolic TO ME. So I wrote one final goodbye--like what I would have said if I had known we'd never speak again--and I wrote it completely freely with no self-editing whatsoever. In my "ceremony" I had three elements: 1) I took that letter and burned it over some ground and as the smoke of it rose up, I released anything that was tying me to him (or chaining me to him ). As the letter burned, it became ashes and I turned that into the soil so that what remained of those "ties" was returned to the ground and became something productive to help new life grow. 2) I lit a patchouli incense (because *I* liked that he didn't) in every room of the house and said that I claimed THIS room in my name and any lingering memories or whatnot in this room were cleansed out with this scent. There was no more claim on this room and as the scent filled the room, it drove those lingerings OUT. 3) I bought a necklace with a large, hand-wrapped quartz stone (kind of like this): 








and I bought a larger wolf-head necklace because I've always identified with wolves...and I said out loud, "I'm choosing these two necklaces as my heart guard. Whenever I'm wearing one of these necklaces, the stone or the wolf will protect my heart and act as a shield to protect it from hurtful words or thoughts trying to harm my heart." 

Yes, this ceremony was only for me. No one else was present it was just my way of doing SOMETHING to put an end to it and protect myself...to utterly untie the old and release it back to new life, and to utterly embrace the new. Now your ceremony may be entirely different, but my point is to think of some things that would be symbolic to you or maybe you and him that would finally put all this to rest. What would break the tie? He's gone and has already returned to the earth, so this would be to break the tie of memories that linger. Maybe you could place mirrors in each window so when the memories try to come in...they are reflected away. Maybe you could wash every corner of every room to "wash out his memories". Get the drift?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Thank you all for your responses. I had another nightmare just last night..my sweetie woke me b/c I was screaming. And Credam...the thought this could still be happening 15 years later shakes me to my core. I don't know about unfinished business, and I got so many apologies from him (insincere, of course) that they fell on deaf ears. By the time we split for good, business was finished. I just don't understand this. He doesn't occupy my daily thoughts (unless one of the kids brings him up). 

Affaircare..I appreciate your suggestion (I appreciate ALL suggestions). I think I'm going to try to get it all out of my system first by writing a letter or whatever, and see where that takes me. 4sure you have a good point about some posts maybe triggering something...it's entirely possible, since I've read *him* in some posts. And Mrs. G...my SO absolutely believes that my ex is haunting me through my dreams. My ex always said he'd never truly let me go, and maybe this is his way of holding true to that. 

Maybe I need to make that call after all. I just really don't want to sit at a therapists office and delve into the past. I'm one that believes I can't move forward if I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm probably wrong about that, however.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Maybe I need to make that call after all. I just really don't want to sit at a therapists office and delve into the past. I'm one that believes I can't move forward if I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm probably wrong about that, however.


I didn't mean to freak you out. 

You have a point about not looking over your shoulder...

But there is a saying that someone here as as a signature, about moving forward in a better way *because* you deal with your past.

I think it's: "The further you look in your past, the more you can see (move?) into your future"? (Winston churchill, I think) or soemthing...I think it might be reachingshore's signature.

And yes, reading people here can definitely trigger that stuff.
We carry more from our past into our every-day than we realize.

I know you will find a way to purge this.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You didn't freak me out. Not totally, anyway lol. I just don't understand where it comes from or why. And I'm all for the where and why. I would just really like to find a way without having to lay bare my soul, or dredging up so much gunk from the past that took me a LOT of work to bury.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

major misfit said:


> You didn't freak me out. Not totally, anyway lol. I just don't understand where it comes from or why. And I'm all for the where and why. I would just really like to find a way without having to lay bare my soul, or dredging up so much gunk from the past that took me a LOT of work to bury.


The fact that you worked hard to bury the gunk may be part of why this is creeping up...
You may need to wade through and reckon with it in order to be free for good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> The fact that you worked hard to bury the gunk may be part of why this is creeping up...
> You may need to wade through and reckon with it in order to be free for good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You may be very right...it's really too bad that I'm totally disinclined to do so. I guess there is no hope for me. Talk to me in 15 years, lol.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

HI I don't think it is some kind of ghost , more of your sub-consious. I had a similar thing with panic attacks due to aggressive ex, I feel that he abused you so much your brain still acts llike he is still there because you didn't take control during the relationship. The blessing is for you that he no longer exists , when this happens again and again and you wake up , in your mind take control of the situation and shout at him , take control of him and and tell him to clear off in whatever way you can, 

I did this with my panic attacks and after a while I just didn't give a hoot and when they happened also in the middle of the night in the end they were just a pest rather than a fear and dissappeared. 

Be strong and tell him to ****** off, you need to make this happen by controlling what happens to you .

good luck x


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

kendra2705 said:


> HI I don't think it is some kind of ghost , more of your sub-consious. I had a similar thing with panic attacks due to aggressive ex, I feel that he abused you so much your brain still acts llike he is still there because you didn't take control during the relationship. The blessing is for you that he no longer exists , when this happens again and again and you wake up , in your mind take control of the situation and shout at him , take control of him and and tell him to clear off in whatever way you can,
> 
> I did this with my panic attacks and after a while I just didn't give a hoot and when they happened also in the middle of the night in the end they were just a pest rather than a fear and dissappeared.
> 
> ...



Oh, this is very good. Made me think. I absolutely did not take any control in the relationship. Well, I did the last few years..more control of myself than allowing to be controlled. So if I understand correctly, when I'm awakened by a nightmare, I'm supposed to just tell him to back off? Shoo, shoo, as I'd say. Go away. Leave me alone. Is that it?


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