# Performance anxiety ruining marriage



## johnb88 (Jun 19, 2015)

Hello, 

I have an issue that I hope someone can give advice on or relate. My wife and I (both 26) have been together since we were 17. Initially, I never had any issues with erections. We didn't have sex right away cause we were so young, but we would fool around and do other things and never had any anxiety etc. One night when we were about 19, we tried to have sex for the 3rd time, and I couldn't get it up. Now instead of attributing it to tiredness, I took it very personally and become very anxious about this incident. Ever since then, I've been suffering from crippling performance anxiety which has really caused alot of damage to my marriage. Just tonight my wife wanted to make love, and I got really nervous and ofcourse could not achieve an erection, which made her feel terrible. I've told her this many times but it's been so song that she is sick of hearing it and wants out the relationship, and rightfully so. We have a 10 month daughter, and I would really like to fix this and make this relationship work. My anxiety comes and goes with the stressors in my life. When I was laid off last year, I kept thinking about my career and we had sex semi-frequently 1 every 2 weeks (plus we just had a baby). We havent made love since April 20, and it feels like my mind is a calendar that just counts the days, with each day that passes with no sex ruining our marriage more and more. Lately however the anxiety has gotten so bad I cannot even achieve an erection on my own. 

I need help, BAD. I'm just so afraid that this will be with me for the rest of my life. What could possibly work for me? I haven't been to the doctor cause I have a hard time believeing that anything is medically wrong with me. I doubt that a sex therapist will do me any good. But maybe I'm wrong? I'm desperate - I love this women, and I hate myself for not being able to have a normal sex life. I avoid sex I'm so scared of it. The only time it ever happened for a long time is if it was totally spontaneous and I had no time to even think about it. But lately ity has been so bad. Please if somebody could give me some advice it would really help, is there and end to this? Do sex therapists even help? 

Thanks everyone


----------



## johnb88 (Jun 19, 2015)

Somebody please help I'm desperate!


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

"Semi frequently *once every 2 weeks?*"

Your almost considered a sexless marriage, do you know that?


----------



## johnb88 (Jun 19, 2015)

I know, that's what I need help with ! I want to have a better sex life!


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Have you considered looking into cognitive behavioural therapy?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ok this is not just your problem to fix, it your wife's as well. Be a strong man, sit her down and tell her the two of you need to fix this together. You love her, you desire her and you want a great sex life with her. 
It is not fair of her to want out for this reason alone, you are supposed to be a team. Open, honest communication about this issue and your sex life in general is vital, tell her you both have to be on the same page.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Do you masterbate? Look at porn?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sir, consult a doctor. Yeah, I know. You think nothing is medically wrong with you. When you spend 7 years in med school/internship/residency then we will let you decide if you have anything medically wrong with you.

And to be sure....your W seeing you are making strides to find a answer to the problem will speak volumes to her.


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Do you masterbate? Look at porn?


If you do, check out yourbrainonporn.com


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

John,
I know you said that the only time you felt normal sex was when it was spontaneous, however I think that is going to be too uncommon of an occurrence to count on.

This might seem counter intuitive, but I think you need more preparation for intimacy.

What I want to suggest is, spontaneous sex, with over the top anticipation.

See if you and your wife can flirt back and forth, build up the moment, dirty texts, flirting all day, tell her what you want to do to her, be visual. Hope full she plays along. Then when you two are together and the moment is right you had all day to plan it. Even if the buildup takes a couple days, she will tell you when she is going to jump your bone, and your going to be all worked up and ready, all the anticipation and anxiety is behind you and your thinking about nothing but fvcking the sh!t out of her like some kinda fierce beast that you really are.

Don't give up, the more you sext your wife the better you become at it.

Your a freak bro, 27 years old, yeah there is a primal sex freak in there, let him out.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you are right that there is probably nothing wrong with you medically. Unless you are obese, a heavy smoker, drinker, drug user, there is probably no medical reason at 26 years old for this to occur. at 26 years old, your thing should be stiff as a flag pole. SHOULD is the key word. that doesn't do you any good.

so don't mess with doctors, right? wrong. you have to rule it out. that's number one. 

maybe however it might make you feel a bit better when i tell you this story. this old guy got married a little over two years ago. in spite of my age, my thing
performed like a champ the first 9 months doing it a lot (3/week+). all a sudden, i started having issues. not every time, but about 33% of the time. WTF????
i started researching. i went on ED forums (yes they have them). what surprised me was that a lot of the guys there on that forum were not a bunch of old fuddy duddys
like bob dole. there were a lot of young dudes having troubles! maybe at least 25-30% were young dudes like yourself. you are not an oddity.
the physiology of an erection is so complex and dependent on a number of physiological/psychological/emotional/sexual factors that doctors don't even begin to understand it.
that doesn't mean drs. are of no use. they can diagnose and isolate causes a lot of the times. not always.

so this old dude got himself a free offer online for cialis, saw the sawbones for the rx, and bam! back in business! after a while, i didn't need it anymore and going on a year + without. i know i'll need it again some day, and so i'll go online again for the free sample just like before.

so. there are so many avenues of attacking this, you can't even believe it. there is no reason to suffer this especially at your age.

#1 see the sawbones. period. rule out any medical issues. he will probably give you a physical, and ruling out any obvious issues, he will give you an rx for one of the big three.
i'll bet you that's gonna work. but if it doesn't, then you will have to see a specialist, like a urologist or endocrinologist.

you can also try supplements like arginine, weightlifting, et. part of the reason i can do well at my age, i keep in shape and excersize like crazy.

one other thing. like some of the above posters, you need to learn how to relax. you're in a bad self fulfilling cycle right now. your psyching yourself out.
your confidence right now is probably the main issue. you need to get over that confidence hump (pun?) and get back in business, then i bet you perform like a champ/
you need to start with the dr., get an ex and go from there.

good luck


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I know of 2 men in their 20s who discovered prostate cancer because of ED. Both men were treated and recovered. Prostate cancer is very treatable, the key is early detection.

Maybe all you need is a finger in the butt?


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

^^^
Guess that's another good reason to go see the doc


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Lila said:


> .................your wife resent you. I have to respectfully disagree with @Holland with her opinion that this is a problem your wife can help you fix. As I experienced first hand, a wife cannot fix that which she has no control over. Only you can do that by seeking medical treatment.
> 
> There is so much that you could be doing to show your wife that you are taking this issue seriously. Get a complete physical that includes blood hormone panels. Find a good therapist specializing in anxiety related sexual disorders. Get buy in from your wife to support you with the therapy. Read ‘Mind Over Anxiety’. Practice relaxation meditation. Work-out a few times a week to help you distress. Do something to show her you’ve got this.


His wife wants out of the relationship because of this, no doubt that would be very stressful for the OP in turn possibly making the situation worse. 

I did not say his wife can fix this I said they can fix it together and after first hand experience with this, then I stand by that. A united team will have a better outcome than a confrontational one.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Lila I spoke about it here recently. Mr H is an older guy, 54 but with a very high drive. Earlier this year things started to change and because he was not getting as hard he was getting anxious about having sex (although were still managing to have lots of it). My initial reaction was to take it personally, wrong yes but I have a huge issue with rejection. This made matters worse of course and one night our conversation ended up with him in tears because he was so worried about what was happening to his body.
So I smartened up and started doing research into ED and we went on the learning journey together. He had his T levels tested which came back very low, decided not to have T therapy because of the implications with developing prostate cancer. Since then he has made modifications to his diet which I help with and join in some of them, he also changed his exercise routine to be more high impact.
I let up and let him know that no matter what we were in this together and we would always be having some sort of physical connection even if he could not get it up. His brain always wants sex, his body was letting him down and being anxious about that was really making the issue worse.
In a very short space of time we have got on with it, his erections are pretty much back to what they were and we have a much tighter bond.

Pro active as opposed to reactive.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This is fantastic. Way to go holland


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks jorgegene  

I do have to admit though that seeing my huge 6'3" man in tears about what was happening was my wake up call, it was not all about me and I had to be strong for him. Hard to do for a woman that endured years of sexual rejection (former marriage). A united team can either overcome what ever the issue is or mutually learn to live with it and be happy.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You probably should get this checked for your own sake. This may be a far less problem for your wife. My wife and I have a reasonably good sex life. I had sensitive surgery with one of the potential side effects inability to perform. In the doctor's office, my wife took this in good stride, and made it clear that if this happened it would not be a game-changer. 

Get this checked by a qualified professional for your own sake. The only potential major problem I see is some type of suggestion that she is doing something wrong to cause this which could mess with her mind and make her angry. That said, women seem to be able to take physical problems, even serious ones in stride. Somewhat an indictment of men, men are far more likely to divorce in cases of serious illness than women.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I wish our experience had been more like @Holland too!

I had to force my H to the doc to get his ED addressed. It absolutely had a very bad impact on our marriage, among several other things.

Get to the doctor, take the damn pills, get to a therapist and learn to deal with anxiety and stress better. Do everything you can to fix this and let your wife know everything you're doing. She is ready to walk because she feels so utterly rejected by your ED. She feels rejected because you're not communicating with her well enough for her to not feel rejected. She is out of patience waiting for you to fix this problem. So get to it!


----------

