# Starting to think...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There has been a lot of women recently posting threads/posts admitting that they are HD while their husbands are LD...

In combination with counselling and what I've learnt so far with my wife, I wonder if my wife truly is "fked in the head", or if it is simply "normal" but I'm not handling it the right way. Tell me, what inspires you to have it multiple times a day?

Do you feel rejected and unloved when he turns you down - what if it's a valid reason - do you see it as an excuse? Etc etc... tell me everything, please..


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> There has been a lot of women recently posting threads/posts admitting that they are HD while their husbands are LD...
> 
> In combination with counselling and what I've learnt so far with my wife, I wonder if my wife truly is "fked in the head", or if it is simply "normal" but I'm not handling it the right way. Tell me, what inspires you to have it multiple times a day?
> 
> Do you feel rejected and unloved when he turns you down - what if it's a valid reason - do you see it as an excuse? Etc etc... tell me everything, please..


I want sex 1-3 times because I need to get off that often to feel sexually satisfied. I've never had a man who was into turning down frequent sex so I've never felt the pain of rejection in that sense. But I could definitely see myself not being satisfied with a man who couldn't keep up. I don't equate sex to love, but I sure love sex  A lot!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

...

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

Truth hurts you know? Darn my life lol


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I feel rejected and unloved if I am being rejected often for what I deem to be a stupid reason, like being "tired" or "stressed". Sex makes stress better! 

If my husband is ill, I understand completely why we cannot have sex at that time. 

Our drives are both on the higher side but mine is higher than my husband's. I want sex daily while he is a 4 times a week kind of man. When we have getaways, we make love twice a day because there is no work or school to add stress. 

I don't want to say that your wife is "fcked in the head" but I will say that she has obvious sexual issues. More than one member has mentioned the strong possibility of sexual addiction. Do you agree? You know your wife better than any of us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She does have an addiction, but she has a certain strength that I would be a fool ( and have been ) to underestimate. She may appear docile but surprises me from time to time - such as the recent changes. 

For a time she reminded me of my first gf, strong and unshakable. But my wife, she's very different, her strength is more non-visible, yet more impressive; considering what I've put her through and she held her ground.

Makes me wonder if this issue is really all about her or if I have a part in it as well. I want to cover all the angles, to make sure I'm doing the right thing by my wife.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

When I wanted it 3 times a day..... it was ALL HORMONAL , something going on in my body...affected my mind terribly, that is all I could think about, and I needed zero foreplay, ready to go even an hour after I just had it ....orgasms all felt like sweet heaven...we just basically joked about my addiction, I'd tell him I needed my FIX.... whatever, we rolled with it as best we could. 

It DID bother me he couldn't keep up with me -but I knew how unreasonable that was, especially at his age, so I didn't take it too personal.....then there's Viagra. 

When this calmed, so did my mind and I once again needed foreplay. I no longer get antsy if we skip a night...back then that was a real downer for me....I'd lay awake half the night waiting to jump him in the am. What a crazy time. 

I can't imagine feeling like that for years on end.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... chances are that even with MC, it's helping her understand the big picture, but it seems that she'll never be satisfied unless I put out 3x a day anyway, even if MC makes her "nicer" and less demanding

Hurts when I want to satisfy her but I know I can never do... *sighs*
As if my wife will ever understand this either...


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

H and I have a whole lot of sex related issues, so I don't know if my answer will help, but yes, I have a much higher drive than he does. It really irritates me when he uses the 'stressed' but ESPECIALLY the 'tired' excuse... how hard is it to come to bed an hour (15 mins?) earlier?? 

Sometimes it is just an excuse as I know he has satisfied himself earlier in the day and has nothing left for me. Other times I think it is because he knows I want him so bad, and it is a power thing, he knows it hurts me when he doesn't make time for us. And then I also think it's because he only wants it the one way, and he's probably bored of that yet unwilling to try anything else...

As for you and yours, I think the fact that you both seem so open and honest about it is THE most important thing, and as long as you have that you should be able to work your way through the rest of it


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Three times a day? Really? You are kidding me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yup, she needs her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From time to time she also wants supper or a midnight snack, and start over all over again the next day.

I don't know how we can work it out, like sure we are working it out now and she's showing changes - never thought I'll see the day. But looks like that sex drive may be here to stay regardless of her attitudes towards sex. I can still get lucky and hope that her sex drive will die down and she will learn to appreciate more intimacy rather then sex all the time, but that is a just a wish - a selfish one at that.

I'd rather spend quality time with her instead of just sex. Even with our recent compromise (2 hrs commitment per day for her), she STILL wants sex within those 2 hrs; 30 minutes breakfast, 30 minutes lunch, and 1 hr dinner. So it's a good thing we're doing MC because once again our compromise does NOT work!

She wasn't like this before marriage, this is her "true color" apparently. I just want her to be happy but I just can't do it!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'm higher drive than H (more so since turning 40), but am lucky that he does his best to keep up. I'd prefer daily during the week, and at least twice a day on the weekend. It seems like there are at least a couple of the days of the week though when he begs off. I try my best not to, but I do feel rejected and hurt when he turns me down because he's tired. It makes me feel like I've turned into this crazy nympho with all these wild desires at a time when I should be slowing down, and I know that's not what he thinks, it's just my own insecurities playing with my mind.

Good luck to you and your wife.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> There has been a lot of women recently posting threads/posts admitting that they are HD while their husbands are LD...
> 
> In combination with counselling and what I've learnt so far with my wife, I wonder if my wife truly is "fked in the head", or if it is simply "normal" but I'm not handling it the right way. Tell me, what inspires you to have it multiple times a day?
> 
> Do you feel rejected and unloved when he turns you down - what if it's a valid reason - do you see it as an excuse? Etc etc... tell me everything, please..


I wish I had advice, but my husband and I are struggling with it in our own marriage. I am higher drive than my husband and he always has the excuse of being too tired or stressed. I know he avoids me and will say he is working on something for a class he is taking or something for work that he had to bring home, but I'll catch him on facebook or watching youtube and so on. I do feel rejected and unloved when he turns me down, but he just tells me I am being unreasonable. I'd love to have sex once a day during the week and maybe twice or more during the weekend, but I'm lucky to get it every other night. If he is sick, I'd understand not having sex, but I get really tired of his excuses. We're working on it, but it's slow going.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Back in the day when I wanted it 1-3 times a day it was a sex addiction. It was the only way I knew how to connect with my husband. The only way I knew how to FEEL intimacy. It took a lot of counseling to fix it.

The irony is now I have sex about every other day and I'm happier now. Go figure. My husband's drive is actually higher than mine now. LOL


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's not common the pool here on this forum will see many high highs and low lows just by the nature of what this forum is. 

Go talk to friends at work and then see. The norm is guys being higher drive then woman for whatever reasons even if not biological.

For the people that are responding 1-3 times a day that is definitely not normal in the slightest borderline counseling imo. Do you not have jobs? Kids? That's not even attainable in most marriages.

I'm personally happy with 1 time a week at this stage 20 years..... even then the older I get the less I'm interested in sex and the more I'm interested in just being with my wife. Doing things, dates, activities, etc.


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> *It's not common the pool here on this forum will see many high highs and low lows just by the nature of what this forum is.
> 
> Go talk to friends at work and then see. The norm is guys being higher drive then woman for whatever reasons even if not biological.*
> 
> ...


This. Don't let this forum fool you. In the majority of all marriages the man has a significantly higher sex drive than the woman.


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Do you not have jobs? Kids? That's not even attainable in most marriages.


I was wondering the same thing. How do you manage to find time for that in one day? Do you both work from home? 



juicecondensation said:


> In the majority of all marriages the man has a significantly higher sex drive than the woman.


My case too. 

We're the opposite of what OP is saying - I could do it 3 times a day but she's happy with once/twice a week. 

You're possibly in a situation where you don't have other 'normal' day-to-day stimulations (with respect), such as work, kids, hobbies etc. I know that personally when I'm really busy, I don't have time to sit around thinking about sex. Maybe it's the same for her?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Back in the day when I wanted it 1-3 times a day it was a sex addiction. It was the only way I knew how to connect with my husband. The only way I knew how to FEEL intimacy. It took a lot of counseling to fix it.
> 
> The irony is now I have sex about every other day and I'm happier now. Go figure. My husband's drive is actually higher than mine now. LOL


Hang on a minute now, you've been there, done that, and fixed it?! =/ So there IS hope?

@Controlledchaos

It's simple really, it just takes us 30 minutes to an hour longer each time to finish our morning, lunch and sleep routine. Lunch sessions are in my office and when we really can't meet up she wants "sex" on the phone. It's boring, frustrating, and selfish routine.

Right now my wife seems to be showing changes, giving me more space, and generally just being nicer and less expectation of sex when I really just want to spend time with her without knowing I have to put out again when I don't want to. How long this will last however...


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I enjoy 1-3 times a day again for the love of sex. It's not mainly a way for my emotional needs to get fulfilled, it's a way to get off. I've had this urge since puberty hit, I'm almost 30 and its still going strong. When me and my stbxh were still together. He didn't have an issue keeping up. A matter of fact I haven't had ANY complaints about my drive EVER. 

Before you all analyze me, I don't equate sex to love, I had a great upbringing with parents who had no issues showing affection in front of me (mom and dad are married over 33 years now). I don't need sex three times a day to survive, 1 time a day minimum is okay as long as my SO doesn't mind me masturbating. I have a toddler and 6 decent sized warm blooded animals in my home who all require attention and love. I'm also borderline OCD when it comes to keeping my home. Point being, when you really love doing something, you find a way. 

I don't think I'm a sex addict, or have some crazy past that makes me the way I am. I truly love sex for many reasons and none of them are unhealthy reasons IMO.

There are more women out there like me than you'd think. It's really not as uncommon as some of you make it out to be. 

To the OP: I do think your wife equates sex to love though, I do think she has deep emotional issues that effect her sexual desires. I'm saying this to let you know that although there are a lot of very high drive women that exist, your wife obviously has issues that make her this way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, she's very good at hiding it and trying to make it look like she's "sane", tell me... how can I convince her that it's different - and that MC IS needed?

She's still not happy about the whole thing but she doesn't have a choice hehe


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> It's simple really, it just takes us 30 minutes to an hour longer each time to finish our morning, lunch and sleep routine. Lunch sessions are in my office and when we really can't meet up she wants "sex" on the phone. It's boring, frustrating, and selfish routine.


Do you work from home? Or she visits your office and you close the door while people are outside? 



MrsOldNews said:


> There are more women out there like me than you'd think. It's really not as uncommon as some of you make it out to be.


I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. I think it just makes me realise that I miss-matched when getting married, in that department at least. 

RandomDude, I can understand how it must become a bit much though. You don't want sex to be a chore, which it sounds like it is for you. 

A serious question for both RandomDude and MrsOldNews, when going at it 3 times a day, how do you manage to keep things spontaneous and full of variety? Even with such a sex drive, surely one becomes spoilt and there's a risk of losing interest?


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I certainly don't want it as often as your wife but I do want it daily. My SO jokingly calls me a nympho frequently. For the most part he keeps up with me but when he doesn't want it I do feel rejected. I think that feeling of rejection is because we are always told that men want sex, all the time, anywhere they can get it. So when you are rejected it makes you think it has to be you, because men are supposed to always want it.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

This is a broad generalization but,... I think people who have a drive as high as mine like being creative sexually. If the only position I enjoyed was missionary I'd probably get bored in bed more often than not. 

Don't know how to say this pg but I'm a freak in the sheets and I enjoy relationship with men who would consider themselves on my level in thst respect.

Randomdude I feel for you because I can see how frustrated you could get from having something pushed on you more often than you want to readily accept. I wish your wife would consider counseling, could you get her to go under the guise that you want to talk to someone about why you're just not wanting it enough? Something like that to get her foot in the door? I think with her fragile ego a counselor could put things into perspective for her do she doesn't think it's just YOU who has the issue. In sorry I don't have better advice but I'd like you to know, I'd be awfully pissed if I was in your position. Maybe Mavash is on to something, maybe your wife's hormones are out of whack. Has she ever been checked for anything along the lines of that?

Edited to add:
Just a random thought, I don't know your wife and don't really follow your situation. But low self esteem, going from one extreme to the other and especially being hyper sexual are all things that go hand in hand with being bi polar. You should read up on it, who knows, it might make a lot of sense to you.


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

How would marriage counseling help to tame someones sexual drive? Are they basically going to tell her to stop wanting her husband as much, or is it more a case of respecting his wishes? 

@ MrsOldNews, how would you react to a partner suggesting counseling, when you admittedly see yourself as perfectly normal?


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

controlledchaos said:


> How would marriage counseling help to tame someones sexual drive? Are they basically going to tell her to stop wanting her husband as much, or is it more a case of respecting his wishes?
> 
> @ MrsOldNews, how would you react to a partner suggesting counseling, when you admittedly see yourself as perfectly normal?


I think counseling would help her realize sex doesn't equal love. And to help get over her obvious insecurities. 

If someone suggested counseling for me I would ask why? My love of sex is not tied to some deep emotional issues and insecurities. I don't have a sexual background like randomdudes wife that I'm sure contributes to her drive and how she reacts to rejection.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife visits my office whenever I'm at work to get her lunchtime fix. I own my own restaurant and we have rooms at the back. No one at work would dare say a word but it's rather obvious to them what happens, my wife has let loose a few loud ones before too which is rather embarrassing.

And yes it is indeed a chore, MC may not fix her sex drive, which I'm starting to realise. However, it MUST be able to fix her attitude and insecurities whenever I say NO to it. That's the main goal for now. And she's still not happy with it because she still reckons she's sane and normal...

Erm no!
She's starting to open her eyes though, at least a bit.

If my wife ends up like Mavash though then IT WILL BE A DREAM COME TRUE! If her sex drive is reduced to every other day that's on the same level as me!!! If it's even lesser then I could have SO MUCH fun romancing/teasing/playing with her, which I can't do much at present times unless we have a fight and passionate makeup sex. I LOVE the challenge to seducing a woman, I love to turn her on. But when she's so aggressive... kinda a turn off, but no choice! Have to flop it out for her to keep the peace -.-

*sigh*


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hang on a minute now, you've been there, done that, and fixed it?! =/ So there IS hope?


I sought therapy for depression and anxiety not a sex addiction but I have no doubt that's what I had. I have some serious daddy issues. It took A LOT of work on my part to heal and learn to be intimate without getting off multiple times a day. I also used sex to relieve MY anxiety about my husband, life and just anything uncomfortable about life I didn't like. It was one of my drugs.

I had a crappy childhood and I've been overly sexual since about 9. My parents both committed emotional incest with me which was where it all started.

I still love sex but it no longer consumes me and I'm not longer obsessed with it. I feel FREE and it's great.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> no choice! Have to flop it out for her to keep the peace -.-
> 
> *sigh*


As long as you enable her nothing will change. My husband said no to this behavior. He essentially cut me off and let me hit rock bottom. Oh we still had sex....occasionally but he didn't like me much back then.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... I have to let her hit rock bottom... =/

Would be easier if she isn't so jelly/vulnerable right now with her feelings >.<


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

So in summary if you say NO, she doesnt consider it a physical frustration only, but she actually takes it personally, perhaps even more so? 

I thought originally it was that she NEEDED sex that much, but now it seems to be more along the lines of an emotional issue, which is obviously what MrsOldNews was getting at?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yup, she feels unloved and unwanted

Irony really, anyone here can see that I truly care and love my wife, but doesn't mean I'll let her sh-t stand!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> So... I have to let her hit rock bottom... =/
> 
> Would be easier if she isn't so jelly/vulnerable right now with her feelings >.<


That's what my husband did. 

And her feelings are what she's trying to repress with sex. She needs to just let the feelings happen. When I did that it was gut wrenching pain but at least the feelings surfaced and I no longer had to repress them with sex, food, work, or any number of other distractions I reached for.

What's wrong with being jelly/vulnerable?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When she's angry and mad I can handle, it's even amusing. When she's down and sad and crying... another story


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh and you aren't LD either. I thought my husband was too but nope I was wrong. Once I healed his drive increased. It's now higher than mine.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If my wife says no to me it's a turn on, it presents me with a challenge, an excuse to seduce her and really have fun with the game. So if my wife heals, it's a definite she'll have more sex.

I'm a natural flirt, tease, "player" whatever - and I love to keep things interesting and zero routine. I enjoy the passion, the fun, the romance, the intimacy - and I hate routine. I don't even think my wife really appreciates it even though she compliments it

The thing is though, I enjoy sexual tension, my wife obviously gets heated up with it but she doesn't really have the patience. But I guess that's because we're dealing with a sex addiction - it's like smoking in front of someone who's trying to quit.

Hell to be honest all she really has to do even with these issues is to tease me and hold it off then she'll see an increase with my sex drive but NOOO, my HD is LD to her... -.-


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