# Fix it or forget it after 36 years?



## deano57 (Oct 17, 2011)

A marriage counselor told us 20 years ago we got married too young for all the wrong reasons. But, we had kids and were committed to making it work. And we did. For a very long time. The kids are grown and successfully on their own. Our marriage has been deteriorating for the last 10 years since the kids left for college. My husband acts more like a disapproving father than a partner/friend these days. He occassionally says things like, 'you need to act your age', 'you laugh too loud', 'you ARE old' (when a friend and I were joking about our upcoming birthdays), and once even said 'I hate you', but says he doesn't remember saying that. He seldom wants to go out and prefers to stay home watching tv. I feel trapped. I was a stay at home mom and once the kids left, have had a series of part time jobs off and on. We live in a very small rural community and jobs are tough to get and keep. He's angry at me for not finding a 'good paying job'. I've had several interviews for jobs but so far, have been passed over. I'm looking at on-line classes to bring my job skills up to date. The first of this year, he decided to start a home improvement project we had talked about for years. Now that it is started, he says he won't continue until I have that 'good paying job' to pay for it. I admit, I'm lousy with money. He's always told anyone who listens that he makes it and I spend it. I do keep the bills paid and up to date. I do have a credit card he doesn't know about that has a $5000 balance. I haven't used it for a very long while and have paid it down quite a bit. When I'm feeling particularly unloved and unappreciated, I admit I tend spend money. Much of that cc balance has come from overspending on trips to see our kids in other states. Nice dinners out, etc. I know we both own a lot of blame in the mess our marriage is in. I just don't know if there's anything left to fight for or if we should just say 36 years is a good run, but let it go. And I fear becoming a poverty statistic since my earning potential seems to be fairly poor. I have no desire to become wealthy off a divorce, I just want to be happy for what's left of my life. Should I suck it up and make the best of it or should I take the chance that I might truely be happier on my own?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Only you can tell.All i can say is , do you think seperating/divorcing with your hysband will resolve that problem? If yes, then its your choice. Dont just act out based on your emotions/feelings right now. My wife is doing right now. Let you think first when your emotions/feelings with all these things had subside and ask guidance from HIM. Im sure you have a better picture of whats happening and what youre feeling.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't know. Statistically you'll outlive him anyway.


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## loverforlife (Oct 18, 2011)

I think many people make the mistake of not nurturing their marriage and just taking care of kids and when they leave the nest, its downhill from there. Many married's go through hard times. I'd suggest the movie Fireproof. I'd also pay close attention to your emotions and not respond to them. Interestingly enough, love is not always given when we need it in a marriage. Look into some classes at your local community college to revise your skills and busy yourself with a hobby. He may just be in a cave. Whatever you do, just keep your character intacted while dealing with his anger so that there are not two people who are upset and exploding. The last thing I would suggest is carve yourself out a positive support system, whether online or through your local church. I am 38, been married since I was 18 and it was tough for a number of years. I never stopped loving my wife although it was very hard because she has been down right mean and rude at times and definately unloving. She is starting to come around a bit now. Nothing is impossible. Keep your head up and stay in prayer. Also, make sure you are keeping it sexy. As we age, we often let ourselves go. Make sure you are dolled up and whatnot. I also think when he see's that you are developing new interests, that may entice him to pay more attention to you. At the end of the day, if you cant salvage it, walk away happy knowing you did your best and raised some awesome kids. Keep in mind we all lose our way sometimes and the willing can find their way back. My wife put me through a lot, but I am no quiter, PERIOD...GOD Bless you and good luck...


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