# What to do?



## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

I had an affair with a coworker which ended 9 months ago. I never thought my husband would find out because I have left the company since then and I never socialized with the coworker in front of other colleagues. But my husband has found out a month ago. He has said there is no chance of reconciliation because:
1. He cannot bear the thought that someone has not only seen me naked but also had sex with me.
3. He cannot bear the thought that the coworker is gloating to himself and his friends that he was able to **** me and my husband couldn't do a thing.
3. He cannot punish the OM because he is single. So he has get his justice by leaving me.

I can't understand why he is worried about what my ex coworker thinks. I have told him why does it matter if we won't see him again and he is not in our social circle. And I have cut all contacts with other coworkers. So even if my affair partner is bragging about having sex with me, none of them will be able to contact us. I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?

He hasn't left me yet though its been one month and we still sleep together. We have had sex a few times but he says nasty things to me which are simply not true. Thats why I now feel dirty to have sex with him and our intimacy has almost reached zero

The problem is I am 4 months pregnant with our first child. Its 100% his child because when I conceived, the affair was 5 months over. But he doesn't believe the child is his. I have offered to set up a DNA test after he/she is born. But he still doesn't think it is his and refuses to provide his nail, hair sample for DNA test.

Please help...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

roxie1983 said:


> I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?


Two words. Marriage VOWS.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I hate to ell you this Rox but just because none of this is a big deal to you doesn't mean its not a big deal to your husband. Sometimes folks push the envelope a little to far. The fact that he hasn't ditched you yet is not a bad sign however.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'm in a very similar boat.

However my dear, you do not seem remorseful AT ALL. 

I'm working towards my own reconciliation and also trying to determine if I even want my marriage either. 

But if this is how you look at your affair and how you interact with your husband about it, I wouldn't want to reconcile with you either.

You have a very blasé attitude towards this. 

Your husband doesn't believe the child is his because he doesn't believe a word that comes out of your mouth right now. Do you blame him??? 

YOU may know your affair is over, he doesn't. And you've got a hell of a long way to go before he even STARTS to believe you.

I am a cheater. I've done the ultimate betrayal. I screwed around with my husbands best friend and then lied to him about it for 3 years. And even I can see you're delusional in hour attitude about this and you are not remorseful at all. 

You're not gonna get anywhere until you wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> I hate to ell you this Rox but just because none of this is a big deal to you doesn't mean its not a big deal to your husband.


 :iagree:
In reading the OP's post, the OP came across as thinking that her cheating was not that big a deal, and that the husband needed to just get over it. It is this attitude that will make reconciliation difficult.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

roxie1983 said:


> I can't understand why he is worried about what my ex coworker thinks. I have told him why does it matter if we won't see him again and he is not in our social circle. And I have cut all contacts with other coworkers. So even if my affair partner is bragging about having sex with me, none of them will be able to contact us. I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?


 The very fact that the other man (OM) can truthfully brag that you choose the OM over your husband, devalues your relationship with your husband, and places your husband as being less than the OM in the pecking order of men. 



roxie1983 said:


> The problem is I am 4 months pregnant with our first child.


 Wow, even if you are telling the truth that the child is really your husband's, how could you bring a child into this marriage just a few months after walking all over your marriage vows without first addressing the affair with your husband? You should have addressed this issue first, if not in for your husband, then for your unborn child.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

As someone who was betrayed by my wife of 18 years I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

I feel sorry for your husband and the unborn child. There are no words for what you have done and you can NEVER make up for what you did. If you were to beg every day it would not be enough. The trust is gone. You have destroyed your marriage. He will never look in your eyes and feel what he did before. 

The thought of my wife with the OM disgusts me to my core and I'm sure it does to him as well. 

When you had sex with your husband there was no caring and compassion. It was a Grudge F#%#. 

Live with it


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How did your husband find out about your affair? Maybe it ended 9 months ago for you but it's brand new to your husband. 

Now your bringing a baby into the world and IMO the child is probably going to feel the wrath of this problem.

Were you having problems in your marriage that you felt you needed to seek out another man? I guess you know by now that it wasn't the correct solution.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You don't sound the least bit sorry about the affair.

BTW having sex with other guys while single is not even close to having sex with OM while you are married. That is the difference you fail to recognize. And that attitude is most likely why your husband is taking the stand that the marriage is over and the kid is not his. He can not trust you any longer after being betrayed and lied to. Plus the only guilt you have is for the consequences of getting caught.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You don't seem to understand how you have hurt and damaged your husband. He has only found out about your affair for a month. That is no time at all for him to be able to process and digest what you have done. He needs time to figure out how to deal with your lies and betrayal. He will be angry, hurt and needs to grief for the end of the marriage as he thought it was.

Now you have the OM bragging to people about the affair. How do you think that makes your husband feel? Well, let me tell you. He feels stupid and less than a man. You have damaged your husband. You damaged his self esteem. You have damaged his reputation. You have hurt him and now he is doubting everything he believes in. How can he trust you?

He is not going to be able to trust you for a very long time, if your marriage survives. You have proven that you are untrustworthy. Your actions and lies have told him this. 

Now, you want him to put this behind him. How can he? You have had time to work and hide your betrayal. This is too new for him. You do not get to tell him to get over it. He will get over it when he is good and ready. However, long that takes.

What you should do now, is to find a very good MC and make an appointment as soon as you can. Get your H and yourself into MC to work your way thru this. You need help. You need to understand what harm you have to this man and your marriage. 

You need to get over yourself and woman up. Do the right thing and admit all your sh!t to your husband. Your frame of reference is all messed up and you need some serious work done on you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am truly shocked how you see his comments as defendable, your very callous about this like it was not big deal...i will be honest with you you really have demonstrated little or no remorse for your affair, even noting that you thought your husband would never find out...is it any wonder why you will be an ex.
And frankly i don't blame your husband for not believing you, you haven't been honest with him.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Rox ~

I agree with the other posters. 

Your post came off as if you were telling us how to make a Pumpkin Pie for Thanksgiving.

Matter-of-fact, no gut-wrenching feeling of guilt, not a detection of remorse, trite ..........

I don't want to hurt your feelings but you are dismissing his agony.

VH


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

roxie1983 said:


> I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?


You really don't get it, do you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> I had an affair with a coworker which ended 9 months ago. I never thought my husband would find out because I have left the company since then and I never socialized with the coworker in front of other colleagues. But my husband has found out a month ago. He has said there is no chance of reconciliation because:
> 1. He cannot bear the thought that someone has not only seen me naked but also had sex with me.
> 3. He cannot bear the thought that the coworker is gloating to himself and his friends that he was able to **** me and my husband couldn't do a thing.
> 3. He cannot punish the OM because he is single. So he has get his justice by leaving me.
> ...


Wow. Reading a lot of "oh, woe is me" in there, but not much remorse.

Anyway, congrats on attaining not only divorce but single motherhood as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

He has had a month to walk out or kick you out. He has done neither, so that is an excellent sign for you. Betrayed spouses have an incredible difficulty -even when they think they should divorce- in actually taking steps to get the divorce that they believe they should get.

That works for you. Now......

You need to listen to the ten or fifteen posters ahead of me and read their responses carefully. Each one has made valid points.

Pay special attention to what LosingHim had to tell you.

If you do not develop -quickly- a sense of wrongdoing and remorse, he will see to that and eventually take the steps that he now finds difficult and ditch you for good. 

You being pregnant is indeed a problem. It is also an advantage. Your husband probably will hang around until he can see that the child could possibly be his.

First thing for you is self-examination and explore why you think anyone would find a sexual-emotional is not a big deal. Everyone here think it is.

Are you an entitled princess?

Do you need counseling to find out if you are?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

What do you do?

It seems that what you've already done is going to dictate a lot for you. What you've already done has killed a part of your husbands love and respect for you. Without it, he may not be able to have you in his life anymore. More than that, you've ripped out and trampled a good portion of his self respect and self esteem. The only choice you've given him to repair that is by leaving you. Quite a plan.

Should he choose to stay for the child, what you've done may cast a cloud over that marriage that will never be removed. One thing is for certain, you've changed his life, your life, and your marriage forever, and altered the family which your child will be born into.

I'd say what you do right now, is sit for a few days, and ponder how you've ruined two (or three) lives. Maybe thru examination, some path out of the destruction may appear.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Why did you cheat on your husband?

Why did the affair end? 

Who ended the affair? 

Was your pregnancy planned? 

I could not forgive my cheater but a lot of people seem to try and work it out. I'm sure your husband is very upset. He has every right to want a divorce. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal of trust. 

You can ask for a second chance but you need to repair the damage within yourself which caused you to cheat in the first place. This does not include blaming your husband for anything he did or did not do. Cheating is your weakness and not your husbands fault. 

Also, do you really want to be married to your husband or is this just for security? Financially? For the baby? 

It will always be hard for me to understand why someone chooses to cheat and potentially destroy the person they're supposed to love and put before all others. I'm sure your husband doesn't understand either. 

Seek counseling as well. Take some honest steps in your life to truly change in order to show the child you are bringing into this world what strength and courage it takes to take responsibility for one's actions. 

It's up to you to do all the hard work at this point and being pregnant will make it even more difficult. Best of luck to you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Roxy a lot of people here have been harsh in their responses and justifiably so.

However if you want this to work you must prove you are sorry to your husband.

This entails showing true and genuine remorse.

From now on all friends of the opposite sex are a thing of the past for you.

You will give him access to all your passwords, emails, facebook, whatever. You will pick up the phone and answer when he calls without fail.

He is not restricted to these same conditions as you as unfortunately you were the one who strayed so why should he be punished?

Can you adhere and follow out the above?

That is true remorse. What you did is a big deal and he most likely feels betrayed to the fullest extend by the one person that was meant to have his back always.

Nobody likes to invisige their partner touched by someone else and unfortunately you have damaged his pride and ego for a long time to come.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

roxie1983 said:


> ... I can't understand why he is worried about what my ex coworker thinks. I have told him why does it matter if we won't see him again and he is not in our social circle. And I have cut all contacts with other coworkers. So even if my affair partner is bragging about having sex with me, none of them will be able to contact us. I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different? ...
> Please help...


This is incredibly disrespectful to your husband. He feels what he feels and worries about what he worries about. You took vows to be faithful to him then broke them and now you're trying to say he does not have a good enough reason to feel what he feels. I'm sure he is humiliated beyond words. If you cared about his feelings you would not have cheated on him in the first place and he knows it. And yes, the OM probably is rather please with himself for banging some other guy's wife.



roxie1983 said:


> He hasn't left me yet though its been one month and we still sleep together. We have had sex a few times but he says nasty things to me which are simply not true. Thats why I now feel dirty to have sex with him and our intimacy has almost reached zero


That's not ok. He either needs to stay with you to repair the marriage or leave. But you can't accept him staying with you and degrading and punishing you for the rest of your life. That's not a marriage.



roxie1983 said:


> The problem is I am 4 months pregnant with our first child. Its 100% his child because when I conceived, the affair was 5 months over. But he doesn't believe the child is his. I have offered to set up a DNA test after he/she is born. But he still doesn't think it is his and refuses to provide his nail, hair sample for DNA test.


He SAYS he doesn't think it's his. If he REALLY didn't think that, he'd provide the DNA. Of course you're living in the same house with him. Can you collect a DNA sample and have the test done without his cooperation then give him the results?

I have two pieces of advice for you.

1. As fast as you can, read and follow the book Surviving and Affair. And see if your H would do the same. If he won't go along, you do it anyhow.
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Aff...83&sr=8-1&keywords=harley+surviving+an+affair

2. Show some sincere remorse. Maybe it's just your writing style but you *sound *like you don't care at all about your husband's feelings. You did a terrible, incredibly hurtful thing. You will never repair your marriage if you come across to your husband like you are just inconvenienced by his feelings about your betrayal.

BTW - the reason your H is not haunted by images of you having sex before you married but can't get images of this guy out of his mind is because he was not married to you during those other relationships. The fact that that's not immediately obvious to you is very concerning. (Like maybe you are autistic or have something going on that makes it very difficult for you to empathize with others.)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sports Fan said:


> He is not restricted to these same conditions as you as unfortunately you were the one who strayed so why should he be punished?


I agree with everything you said except this. I think both spouses should share all emails/texts/etc. and neither should have 1 one 1 opposite sex friendships.

The conditions you state are not punishment, they are smart precautions that smart couples both take to create boundaries and ensure neither one ends up in a situation where they are vulnerable to falling in love with someone else.

Her doing these things will also help her husband get over the affair because he'll feel more secure that he knows what she is doing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TBh, if your BH has any sense he will dump your ass and just financially support his kid (if it is his kid, you have betrayed his trust, why should he believe it is his kid?).
You show no remorse at all and are treating your BH badly with your attitude of he should move on and just get over what you did. It wasn't even a ONS but an ongoing series of lying and cheating for a period of 9 months, that is so low. I hope your BH wakes up and moves on.

You are only thinking about yourself, even the way you write is sickening, if you had an empathetic bone in your body you would see what you have done to your BH, but you can't can you? I guess you are some sort of narcissist with so little feeling for the hurt you caused your BH. I do hope he moves on for his sake.

You need a reality check, perhaps you need to be alone and pregnant bringing up this kid as a single mom to realise what you have done, or perhaps you may find yourself in the same position. It is highly likely that your now BH will have a revenge affair, see how that feels when you are 8 months pregnant, sadly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but girl you are a right piece or work.

I feel sorry for your unborn child and would suggest you let your poor BH be. Go and get yourself some therapy or IC to find out why you think so little of the marriage vows and think it is ok to do what you did. People like you should not be married or have kids.


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## Layla83 (Sep 21, 2011)

I am so shocked at the OP's post. I suppose it is because I am on the other side of the wall. 
When my husband cheated, I was so humiliated, angry, depressed, confused, suicidal and the list goes on. 
How can you play it down like this? It really opens my eyes as to how some cheaters think. You seem very focused on fixing your emotions. Well it would take him a loooong time to 'fix' his. 
He must feel so small when another man is bragging about he's wife. WOW you really don't get it.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> As someone who was betrayed by my wife of 18 years I have absolutely no sympathy for you.
> 
> I feel sorry for your husband and the unborn child. There are no words for what you have done and you can NEVER make up for what you did. If you were to beg every day it would not be enough. The trust is gone. You have destroyed your marriage. He will never look in your eyes and feel what he did before.
> 
> ...


As harsh as this sounds, I'm afraid I feel exactly the same away about my ex wife that was not faithful...sorry, but reality hurts


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

As you can see you'll get little sympathy, even from the WS's here. For any of us who are succeeding or have succeeded in rebuilding our marriages, we had to first come to the point where we accepted that we screwed up royally. The affair is 100% your fault regardless of what else may have been wrong in your marriage. 
You, along by with anyone who has engaged in an affair (me included), have figuratively stabbed your SO in the back. He's not going to be ok with that. Expecting otherwise is not acceptable. 

You need to own what you did, and begin the process of trying to fix the issues in your life that lead up to that point, even if you lose your husband in the process, which you very well could.

Seek individual counseling. Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling with you. Tell him that you're not asking for a commitment on your marriage, you simply realize you have wronged him and want to try to make it right even if you ultimately lose him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Who told your husband that he was married to a cheater?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rox... 1 and done.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

When I found out that my wife slept with dozens, and I mean dozens of men, and women ( which shocked the hell out of me...guess I never knew her in the 9 years we were married ), right after ( days ) we separated, it took my ego, confidence, self-esteem, and will to be me, away.

I said: " You were my wife. You took vows...thick and thin, and all that we said I believed to be true. Well, it was all lies from you. You were supposed to have my back, not stab me in it" 

Please understand how much cheating hurts a person...no matter when it was, or if that person isn't around anymore.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I think I would like to hear from Roxie again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Roxie is probably a little shell shocked at the brutal truth of the posts here, it may be her redemption and the first step towards saving her marriage.

Although sadly, there are many unfaithful spouses who never get to that point.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My lady do you even have idea how much you hurt your husband ?

Did you even apologize to him ?

How long did Affair last ?
Did you do it in your home ?
Did you perform something for OM that you never did for husband ?
Most important question do you know WHY YOU did an Affair and are you sure you are never going to do it again ?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

roxie1983 said:


> I can't understand why he is worried about what my ex coworker thinks. I have told him why does it matter if we won't see him again and he is not in our social circle. And I have cut all contacts with other coworkers. So even if my affair partner is bragging about having sex with me, none of them will be able to contact us. I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. *How is this different*?


:surprise:



Are you kidding? 


No really. 


Are you kidding?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Let him leave, your not marriage material yet

You have no idea what damage you have done to the guy

There's a another thread on here with a wife who is at least remorseful BUT her view of her marriage has changed because of what she did as it triggered a new perspective of her life and I feel for her husband as well

How long were you married ?

How long was the Affair ?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow is all I can say!


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

You cheated and yes that is wrong, but from some of what you say about your husband, I would consider it a blessing.

But again we are just getting your side.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

Sorry guys I wasn't able to respond sooner. My health took a hit.

Contrary to what people think, I am remorseful. I hate what I did. And I so want to make it up to my husband. I just posted that way because I wanted to give a simple brief about whats happening without complicating things. I am sorry if that has come off as unrepentant.

The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.

I should say that the day my husband found out, he slapped me. And it was not any slight brush - a full on, bang on the cheek slap. Before that he has never been violent to me and not after again. He didn't even apologize for the slap. But I am willing to let this one go because I can understand where he was coming from. If it had been me on the other shoe, I might have kicked and punched at him too.

I have tried to talk to him constantly and tell him how sorry I am and the things I am willing to do to regain his trust. Though he didn't want anything from me, I still wrote all of my email, chat apps and phone passwords in a piece of paper and gave it to him. I tru to check in with him from work. Sometime he responds, most of the time he cuts the call. I was also trying to be affectionate to him. He wouldn't let me touch him most of the time. 

I can understand all of this. But what is causing me to withdraw from him is all the hurtful things he says to me. He has called me some horrible names that I didn't believe could ever come out of his mouth, he has even described his unborn child in horrible words. 

I am willing to help him in every way. He has refused any counseling. But he is totally hurtful to me right now. So if he hates me so much why doesn't he file for divorce?

And lastly, I love him so so much. I can't ever believe I cheated on him and hurt him. I would do whatever he asks me if he would just give me the chance to show how much I love him.

All I can think now that since it has been only one month, he is in the anger phase. I am hoping that eventually he will calm down and then we can begin our healing.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

I should mention that I am American and he is Russian (born there, immigrated when he was 19).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. *But the guy turned out to be a total jerk.*


LOL... what was your first clue? Well, other than the fact that he was f*cking another man's wife.



roxie1983 said:


> *Thats why I dumped him.*


Sooo... if he'd been a decent guy, you'd still be involved w/ him?

And you wonder why you come off as unremorseful?

Wow.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... if he'd been a decent guy, you'd still be involved w/ him?
> 
> And you wonder why you come off as unremorseful?
> 
> Wow.


 I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was consumed with guilt everyday. Relationship with my H suffered because of the guilt I was feeling. But getting out is not so easy when emotions gets involved. So I kept going back.

What I wanted to say is that the guy being a jerk eventually made it an easy decision for me.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Sorry guys I wasn't able to respond sooner. My health took a hit.
> 
> Contrary to what people think, I am remorseful. I hate what I did. And I so want to make it up to my husband. I just posted that way because I wanted to give a simple brief about whats happening without complicating things. I am sorry if that has come off as unrepentant.
> 
> ...


As I said earlier 

How long have you been married ?

How long was the affair ?

How was he a jerk ?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

roxie1983 said:


> I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was consumed with guilt everyday. Relationship with my H suffered because of the guilt I was feeling. But getting out is not so easy when emotions gets involved. So I kept going back.
> 
> What I wanted to say is that the guy being a jerk eventually made it an easy decision for me.


How long did the affair last?

Did you ever bring the guy into your home?


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

We are married 7+ years. In a relationship for 3 years before that. Total 10+ years together.

The affair lasted on and off for 2 years.

No I never brought him home. It was always his place.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> We are married 7+ years. In a relationship for 3 years before that. Total 10+ years together.
> 
> The affair lasted on and off for 2 years.
> 
> No I never brought him home. It was always his place.


And the guy was a jerk because????


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

roxie1983 said:


> Sorry guys I wasn't able to respond sooner. My health took a hit.
> 
> Contrary to what people think, I am remorseful. I hate what I did. And I so want to make it up to my husband. I just posted that way because I wanted to give a simple brief about whats happening without complicating things. I am sorry if that has come off as unrepentant.
> 
> ...



You know, I never understand this. You say you understand his reactions, but seem to be surprised at his anger and his derogatory responses to you. As men, we understand the wrath of a woman once she has found out that we have betrayed them, but I have seen often with some women that they are surprised that their normally kind man has turned into a raging ogre

Do you even realize what you have done?
You took for granted his trust
You took for granted his loving you
You took for granted his providing for you'

You gave yourself to someone when you made a vow to only give yourself to him.
But now he feels humiliated, emasculated and cast aside
He feels like a chump and not lovable
He feels that you risked everything for a fling with some man at work because he was attractive and flirty
He feels duped and now he doesn't want to be duped by raising a child he has no Idea if it's his.

You want to know why he won't divorce you?

The reason he is so angry at you and saying the things he is saying is because he loves you and is very very hurt. Because he loves you is why he hasn't divorced you yet.
He is constantly trying to process what YOU have done and is probably having mind movies of what you and your OM did together

It amazes me how you can be surprised at his anger when you deceived him, lied to him and betrayed him.
Those things don't necessarily give you warm and fuzzy feelings about the person who did that to you.

My advice to you is to be patient and have empathy.
Show remorse.
He has every right to voice how he feels as long as he is not being abusive.

The slap was too much. He did it because he was hurt, but it was still wrong.

A man shouldn't put his hands on a woman in anger and vice versa
But always remember..it is because of what you did that has him reacting this way.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

G.J. said:


> And the guy was a jerk because????


How is this detail relevant? He was the usual womanizer.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> How is this detail relevant? He was the usual womanizer.


The detail is relevant to see how you think

So you dumped him because he wasn't exclusive to you ?

He was after other women ?

You had a 2 year relationship with him on exclusiveness then ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> We are married 7+ years. In a relationship for 3 years before that. Total 10+ years together.
> 
> *The affair lasted on and off for 2 years.*
> 
> No I never brought him home. It was always his place.


Wow.

Just divorce already.


----------



## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

G.J. said:


> The detail is relevant to see how you think
> 
> So you dumped him because he wasn't exclusive to you ?
> 
> ...


Its not about him. Its about me and my husband. But if my husband asked me the details about the guy, I would. I ALREADY DID. But not to strangers over the internet.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow.
> 
> Just divorce already.


Why? Is it because the length of the affair? Our neighbour had an affair for 7 years. They are still together.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Its not about him. Its about me and my husband. But if my husband asked me the details about the guy, I would. But not to strangers over the internet.


Best of luck getting any thing constructive as your action caused the problem

Ask him to come on here if he wont go to a counsellor its the least you could do for him


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Why? Is it because the length of the affair? Our neighbour had an affair for 7 years. They are still together.


Your poor neighbor.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Your poor neighbor.


But you just bolded length of the affair part.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Why? Is it because the length of the affair? Our neighbour had an affair for 7 years. They are still together.


I guess this comment shows you sounded unrepentant because you are unrepentant...


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

If I was better at computers I might be able to post the above as a hyperlink, but I am not.

Look at the above site if you can. It gives some excellent information that might help you understand what your husband is going through and how to help him (and you) survive this as a couple. The ball is in his court now. Even though you refer to the affair as old news - it is new to him since he just found out. 

Good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> But you just bolded length of the affair part.


LOL. I'm so entertained by this that I can't come up w/ anything else to say at the moment.

Well... nothing that I _should_ say, anyway.

Enjoy your "Whose affair was worse?" competition w/ the neighbor.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

Try this.


----------



## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. I'm so entertained by this that I can't come up w/ anything else to say at the moment.
> 
> Well... nothing that I _should_ say, anyway.
> 
> Enjoy your "Whose affair was worse?" competition w/ the neighbor.


You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship. 

Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE
> 
> Try this.


Thank you. I will definitely read this today.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship.
> 
> Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.


:surprise:

And that is based on.....

Oh yea a one liner


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship.
> 
> Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.


LOL. I'll remember that when I go home to my wife of nearly 16 years later today.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

you can get a persons hair sample from a comb anyway.


----------



## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. I'll remember that when I go home to my wife of nearly 16 years later today.


Oh you are married and still have nothing to say? Looks like you are only married on paper


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> How is this different?
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> It's different because you are married now!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

roxie1983 said:


> You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship.
> 
> Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.


What??!! Gus is a regular 'round these parts and quite married. 

Roxie, YOU have no choices in your relationship anymore. You don't get a say now. Your husband does; he's in the driver's seat. All you can do is be the absolute best version of yourself you can be and sit back and wait for his decision. Keep trying if you want to save the marriage, but you really don't have much leverage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

roxie1983 said:


> Why? Is it because the length of the affair? Our neighbour had an affair for 7 years. They are still together.


Roxie I for one think you are trying. I don't believe you are feeling true remorse yet, but if you keep holding yourself accountable you may begin to feel true remorse. 

You feel guilty and sh!tty that your husband has taken this so hard, and I think you understand, at least on an intellectual level, that your behavior was egregious and destructive. 

But until you really begin to internalize his pain, make his hurt your own, then you will not have achieved remorse. Right now you are in self preservation mode. You have blown up your marriage and you are desperate to save your comfortable existence. 

Ask yourself this: do you love your husband? Do you really love your husband? 

A two year-long affair? Really Roxie? What was so special about the OM that made you think it was alright to become his wife for two years? What made you think you could be a mate to two men at once and get away with it? 

I'm not bashing you. I'm asking you to ask yourself these hard questions. Because until you can answer them, and until you can take your husband's hurt and pain and make them your own, you will never achieve true remorse. True remorse is wanting to take all his hurt on yourself. True remorse means you are willing to do whatever is best to help your husband heal, even if it means you give him a divorce and leave his life forever. 

And yes, taking his anger and name calling are all part of the price you have to pay if you want to keep the marriage. Sorry. You reaped the whirlwind. Remember, what you feel when he calls you those names and terrible things is only a fraction of the pain he is feeling. So... get over yourself. If you cannot take it, leave him and let him find a woman who can empathize with him and truly love him the way he deserves. You could be that woman if you try.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I completely agree with bandit. You haven't reached true remorse. You see everything through the same distorted filter that allowed you to both have the affair and to be surprised about your BH's reaction. You don't feel his pain. You don't really.

You only stopped your A because the guy was a jerk to you. If you had remorse and empathy, you wouldn't be writing that. You would be writing, 'at the time, I ended the A because the OM was a jerk, but now I know that I should have understood how wrong it was and how utterly devastated my BH would be. I can't believe I did that to him. What kind of person hurts the person he/she loves so badly and so thoughtlessly?'.

That's what you would be feeling and expressing.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> Oh you are married and still have nothing to say?


Oh, I have plenty that I _could_ say.

I'll summarize, though...

Your husband deserves better than a wife that spent two years in an extra-marital relationship w/ another man, ended things w/ him ONLY "because he was a jerk" (I'm guessing he wouldn't commit?), and then -- ON TOP OF THAT -- couldn't be bothered to actually confess the transgression herself.

Basically, you relegated your husband to "Plan B" status for the length of your affair, all the while giving him the leftover table scraps of your relationship w/ "Plan A", and then came back to him ONLY when you realized that "Plan A" wasn't working for you.

Simultaneously, you shouldn't stay in a marriage w/ a man that slaps you, verbally abuses you, and obviously isn't at all inclined to reconcile, at least not in any way that could be described as healthy.

Bottom line? Your husband wants to divorce. Given your transgressions, along w/ your obvious inability to understand what they meant to your husband, you won't find too many people here that will be too forthcoming w/ anything that might somehow magically assist you in convincing him otherwise.



roxie1983 said:


> Looks like you are only married on paper


LOL. That'd be _you_.

Not for much longer, though.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I should add that him slapping you was wrong. 

Understandable.... but wrong.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Roxie, your husband calls you those nasty names because in his eyes you are those nasty names, the actions spoke to his anger and his fear..you might have married a kind and gentle soul but even a rabbit will attack when confronted when cornered. He is still angry and and to be fair, in his minds you are all those nasty names....consider this....your not the woman he married either, do you think he married a woman who would cheat on him, do you think some where in the back of his minds he thought, she is nice and love her but i know she will cheat on me one day and all will be good. Your tired of hearing those names...move out, divorce, otherwise SUCK IT UP...time to eat crow....and do everything you can to save your marriage...6 months is a affair....2 years is a relationship. You own him a great deal.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I just see a child who wants what she wants. To hell with the husband who is in pain and suffering. Roxie wants everything to just go her way. Her husband should forget his pain and get with her plans. Have the baby and live happily, until, the next guy comes along.

Roxie, if your husband had any sense he would divorce you quickly. The reason is because you have no clue about what damages you have done. You don't seem to care and you are going to do it again in the future.

Women who Love their husband could not bear to have another man touch them. You had an affair for 2 years. Kept it a secret. What part of this involved you loving your husband?

You make it seem like having an affair is not a big deal. I don't think you have any morals. And your thinking process is very messed up. Get some help to figure out yourself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.
> 
> I should say that the day my husband found out, he slapped me. And it was not any slight brush - a full on, bang on the cheek slap. Before that he has never been violent to me and not after again. He didn't even apologize for the slap. But I am willing to let this one go because I can understand where he was coming from. If it had been me on the other shoe, I might have kicked and punched at him too.
> 
> I have tried to talk to him constantly and tell him how sorry I am and the things I am willing to do to regain his trust. Though he didn't want anything from me, I still wrote all of my email, chat apps and phone passwords in a piece of paper and gave it to him. I tru to check in with him from work. Sometime he responds, most of the time he cuts the call. I was also trying to be affectionate to him. He wouldn't let me touch him most of the time.


Roxie, Roxie, Roxie, of course he can never trust you again. Hence the reason betrayed spouses need passwords, emails, etc., because they can't trust their cheating spouse again and have to ride herd on them. All it looks like it took was an opportunity with an attractive guy for you to fall off the wagon. Whatjew gonna do next time an attractive guy comes along. I mean look what happened the last time. By your own admission, you've got a thing for attractive guys, (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place). Sort of like a guy marrying a girl because she's got big tits.
Here's the thing Rox and your husband subconsciously or consciously knows it. You went for the other guy because over time his looks became stale and commonplace to you and the new guy on the block was appealing. A relationship for looks is no different than a relationship for money. They grow tiresome. The reason you sound like having a FB on the side was no big deal is because its not a big deal for you. You come off sounding like it and get upset when folks point out the obvious. Admit it Rox, your old man's looks hasn't been enough to cause you to wet your pants for a long time now.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

As you can see Rox as you don't want to talk about details people will fill in the blanks on what you have posted so far

If you don't like what they say inform us and explain to a lot of points brought up

Or better still ask your husband to come on here


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So far, this is all you've told us about the A:



roxie1983 said:


> The affair was a same old coworker thing - new joinee, attractive guy (but my H is also very handsome, thats why I got into a relationship with him in the first place), flirting starts, texts and phone calls, going out for lunches and finally one day sex. And the affair starts. Sorry if this description bothers people. But the guy turned out to be a total jerk. Thats why I dumped him.


Plus that it was 2 years long...which is a long affair BTW.

Why did you really have the affair? Just because the posom was good looking? Sounds like BS to me. 

Were you looking to trade "up"?

What else? What did you get out of it that you weren't getting at home from your H?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Roxie,

There are things you can do right now for your H.

* Write out a timeline for your affair with details.

* Offer to take a polygraph to confirm that the timeline is accurate and complete.

* Make a complaint against the OM at your old job, to personnel he needs to be fired.

* If you know of other affairs the OM has had, inform the betrayed spouse or SO.

* Inform the OM family, parents, grandparents, siblings, facebook and linkedin contacts.

There has to be consequences for the OM.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

roxie1983 said:


> Sorry guys I wasn't able to respond sooner. My health took a hit.
> 
> Contrary to what people think, I am remorseful. I hate what I did. And I so want to make it up to my husband. I just posted that way because I wanted to give a simple brief about whats happening without complicating things. I am sorry if that has come off as unrepentant.
> 
> ...


So you dumped your lover because he was a total jerk and NOT because you realised you should not have been cheating on your husband?

So if your lover had not been a jerk you would still be seeing him and cheating on your husband? 

Or would you have left your husband for him?

Allowed your lover to father your child?

You really do not understand what you have done wrong. Do you? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

roxie1983 said:


> Oh you are married and still have nothing to say? Looks like you are only married on paper


I'm wondering if you talk to your H with an attitude like this. Between the way you've spoken to Gus, and your first post saying "I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?" I get the feeling you do. And if that 's the case, between your affair and your attitude it's no wonder your husband slapped you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> I'm wondering if you talk to your H with an attitude like this. Between the way you've spoken to Gus, and your first post saying "I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?" I get the feeling you do. And if that 's the case, between your affair and your attitude it's no wonder your husband slapped you.


Slapping is wrong. By anyone. But as Bandit pointed out, understandable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Roxie, I sent you a private message, please, read it. Best wishes


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How did your husband find out about the affair?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Wow.

Are you serious ? 

Is this troll post or what ?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I am trying to be understanding and objective but I gotta tell ya Rox, I am still not feeling a genuine person.

I can only judge your "words" and what I "see" is you trying to justify your behavior AND trying to convince yourself that what you did wasn't that bad because after all, the "affair was a same old coworker thing."

Are you kidding me?

I am sorry if I hurt you but I truly think you are emotionally immature.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

. *But my husband has found out a month ago. He has said there is no chance of reconciliation because:
1. He cannot bear the thought that someone has not only seen me naked but also had sex with me.
3. He cannot bear the thought that the coworker is gloating to himself and his friends that he was able to **** me and my husband couldn't do a thing.
3. He cannot punish the OM because he is single. So he has get his justice by leaving me.* Reading the above it sounds like your husband is done. I was cheated on so I don't hold any sympathy for you. But I will say that with it being only a month, it seems he is still trying to wrap his head around it all and figure out what to do which is why he is still around. I suggest you give him all the space he needs, do not bring the affair up unless he does and if he does bring it up be totally honest about it, because he could know more about the affair then he has told you and will see if you lie to him even more. Do a lot of butt kissing, do not smother him, and do not try to be sweet on him unless he initiates. I did not stay with my ex a lot of us don't so if your husband comes around and forgives you, I hope you give him the respect you didn't when you cheated on him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You will have to eat lots and lots of crow and humble pie washed down with bitters before you have a chance of your husband being able forgive you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

roxie1983 said:


> You have nothing to say because you have no thoughts of yourself and you have never had any relationship.
> 
> Its hard for an inexperienced guy to give relationship advice to married people. I understand.


So...your response when someone doesn't kiss your ass is to insult them? 

Classy. 

And no, I'm not a hateful, vengeful betrayed spouse; my H has never cheated that I know of. I'm relating to your lack of concern for your H's feelings, your willingness to jump to considering yourself better than someone else, and your eagerness to just get this over with so you can have your H back. Such a person - if she never gets therapy and learns from her hard knocks - will spend the rest of her life jumping from worse to worse to worse relationship, as she ages out and her looks go and all the men in their 30s to 50s can just go get a smoking hot 24 year old instead.

The only way such a person can hope to ever have a decent relationship is to figure out how SHE can be such a selfish, self-centered, unsympathetic person, and work hard to make up for it and, thus, become more attractive to men looking for a real relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OP came back 1/14/16

I guess just to visit.

I wonder how her old man is doing?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I am a late arrival and she probably will not be back.

Hate to think of what would be going on if this OM was not a jerk and womanizer. 

No wehere in here is any real concern on how for two years the poor husband lived in a lie. 

What if the next cute guy is not a jerk?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cake eater eater extraordinaire! 

Waste of time.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I guess Roxy cant understand how letting another guy destroy her vagi...na and fill it up with semen for 2 whole years whilst she goes into total bit...ch mode and makes her husbands life a complete misery could of upset her husband somewhat. 

As for the slap she recieved altough i dont condone violence and never encourage it others have been killed for less.

Perish the thought that husband should hold Roxy accountable for her actions.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Roxie, I must admit that in your posts, you come off as very 


*Entitled* as in "I deserve to have my husband back". Well the truth is you do not! The sooner you understand and accept this the sooner you will really understand what is going on.

*Unremorseful* as in "it was only 2+ years on and off and I won't be seeing him anymore so whats the big deal anyway". Well it is a very big deal to your husband and should be to you too. Even if you divorce, you should see this as a serious moral flaw that you should be looking to repair in yourself for your own well being.

*Unloving* as in you are not really in love with your husband and would have carried on with the POS lover boy if he didn't turn out to be a "jerk".

*Uncaring* as in I guess I will put up with his tantrums for now but not for too long. You need to understand that your husband has been destroyed by this and empathising with what he is going through and having the patience to see it through is what you are going to need if you really care about him.

And you attack others on this forum who tell you what you do not seem to want to hear.

Good luck but this doesn't bode well. And do not compare yourself and your husband to other cheating couples etc. Again not good for your relationship.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I know this princess hasn't been back for a while, but I just can't help feel curious and very sorry for the poor husband. 

I wonder how he's dealing with his world crumbling while this pregnant cheater princess gets ready to deliver a baby. I feel bad for that baby too. His/her dad will be in the worst possible mental shape upon birth and that's not how you want a baby's life to begin.

There goes the life of yet another man, and the childhood of yet another baby, because princess couldn't keep her legs closed in presence of an "attractive" coworker.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She came back the other day to post on someone else's thread.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What a nasty attitude this woman has. No remorse, little empathy. Just scared because now she's going to be a single mom. She probably should've went to LS. There you'll get all the other wh0res to agree that your husband is blowing it out of proportion and sooth your conscious that your a good person that just made a 2 year mistake. There is also heavy handed moderators on hand to ban anyone that dare post anything that forces you to face reality.

No way your husband should take you back after you've been defiled for 2 years. If he were the typical blue pill American man that has been beaten down by our society, you may be able to get him to rug sweep this but as a Russian guy, no freaking way. I'm surprised all he did was slap you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

This is what this thread reads to me:
_*
I f***ed another man for 2 years and loved it. Didn't have the decency or guts to tell my husband. I feared him finding out, so I got myself pregnant and trapped him into a life of misery.

But wait to hear what that monster did to me! 

Are you ready for it?!

He slapped me  Can you believe it? He f***ing slapped me! And I'm such a nice person for not putting him in jail. How come he doesn't see that? What's the big deal about me loving another man's penis inside my vagina going back and forth for 2 years? He calls me names  What an assh0le he is.*_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

synthetic said:


> This is what this thread reads to me:
> _*
> I f***ed another man for 2 years and loved it. Didn't have the decency or guts to tell my husband. I feared him finding out, so I got myself pregnant and trapped him into a life of misery.
> 
> ...


And even worse, he's a damn foreigner!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

When she mentioned that he's Russian and born there, I cracked up. She said it like it was such a negative but yet she's been with him for years. Maybe she should have renamed her thread "What to do, A Russian got me pregnant. Like the I'm pregant by a muslim thread. 

You think about these things BEFORE you decide to have a sexual relationship with someone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> When she mentioned that he's Russian and born there, I cracked up. She said it like it was such a negative but yet she's been with him for years. Maybe she should have renamed her thread "What to do, A Russian got me pregnant. Like the I'm pregant by a muslim thread.
> 
> You think about these things BEFORE you decide to have a sexual relationship with someone.


Or decide to sleep around on them for 24 bloody months!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

turnera said:


> She came back the other day to post on someone else's thread.


And to call you all a bunch of big stupid meany heads. :rofl:



MattMatt said:


> And even worse, he's a damn foreigner!


He's Russian? I'm surprised all he did was give her an Irish kiss, most Russian guys don't play around.



jsmart said:


> When she mentioned that he's Russian and born there, I cracked up. She said it like it was such a negative but yet she's been with him for years. Maybe she should have renamed her thread "What to do, A Russian got me pregnant. Like the I'm pregant by a muslim thread.
> 
> You think about these things BEFORE you decide to have a sexual relationship with someone.


I have to read this "I'm pregnant by a Muslim" thread you brought up, sounds like a real hoot.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

I would recommend SI 
click this link http://www.survivinginfidelity.com

Please go to SI's Wayward Section!

Please stay Healthy for the sake of the Baby!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Judging by the venom being sprayed around on another thread, OP's husband has continued with his plan to divorce. The nerve of him.

But as strangers on the Internet, it's none of our business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

?

ADD
oh I see


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just read the whole thread. After correlating it with her post today on another thread, all I can say is, this person brings to mind a lot of negative emotions.

Apparently some people have no conscience.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

It does highlight how the brain is wired differently in people


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

It's sad, all you had to do was take responsibility for your own behavior and I guarantee you that nearly every poster here(even the typically harshest ones) would have supported you in trying to fix this or at least on how to split amicably with your STBXH, but instead you chose to continue in your wayward mindset and blameshift your BH for your situation and your pending divorce. When that didn't fly you turned around and blamed the posters here as being responsible for your poor attitude. 

This site isn't the "He-Man woman haters club" that you and a few other posters have tried to paint it as. The people on this site are overwhelmingly supportive of WS(yes even female WS) as long as they are ready and willing to own their own sh*t. You are still not at that point, perhaps you may never reach it(some don't) but the fact remains that all of this, the affair, the pending divorce and even the response you received here is of your own making.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Kobold said:


> This site isn't the "He-Man woman haters club" that you and a few other posters have tried to paint it as..


Yep Look at me supporting L.H. to reconcile

Never thought that would happen

Need to go out and chop down some trees now


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

G.J. said:


> Yep Look at me supporting L.H. to reconcile
> 
> Never thought that would happen
> 
> Need to go out and chop down some trees now


Poor trees.

I punch hamsters myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Ha your the one who gave Freddie the idea

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=9&ved=0ahUKEwjViLeH4YLLAhVFwxQKHVopBioQFghCMAg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.classicheadlines.co.uk%2Ffreddie-starr-ate-my-hamster%2F&usg=AFQjCNEHa_fRyZzH9SIAOdOYeJ5xSlj1hw&sig2=XJCNqPGQe96lCNTqaQp3Mg


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Poor trees.
> 
> I punch hamsters myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The ones without claws?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Poor trees.
> 
> I punch hamsters myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_











Oh Yah! Bring it on!!! :smile2:


I never bothered posting in the mess_of_a_op's thread before, because if she's "real"(big if) she's beyond help.

I mean she gets pumped by the OM for 2 years and then she'd "do anything" to keep her Husband from D'ing her.

Keeping her knees together for that 2 years might have went a long way in staying married.

Btw, I think that her OM dumped her, not the other way around. I could see her getting on his nerves after 2 years and her south just wasn't worth hearing her mouth.

I hope her ex-husband had the smarts to have the baby DNA tested before he started making support payments...


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

I had a 5 month EA which went physical last year with a woman half my age. Been married for 21 years with 2 kids. I am remorseful, guilt-ridden, contrite, you name it. I feel awful for what I've done to my wife, kids and marriage. It's over. Wife filed for D 3 months ago. We are slowly working towards building a new relationship and here's what I've done so far to prove that I am worthy of her even considering rebuilding:

-Apologized repeatedly, too much probably.

-Attending IC and MC. My wife picked a therapist for herself, went a few times on her own and I suggested it would be a good idea if I/we see her therapist together. It's working so far.

-Read several affair books as well as the Divorce Remedy, How to Win Friends and Influence People, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Married Man Sex Life Primer, I Love You but I Don't Trust You, etc. 

-Traded my car. I bought a new car last Sept. that I ordered it from the factory. My AP helped me pick the options/color. My wife found the email, now the car is gone after 4 months. Embarrasing.

-Threw all my clothes away and bought new ones. All of my clothes had memories of the OW attached to them, so they're gone too. Bought new cologne. 

-I bought a watch for $5k while out with my AP one day. The watch is now on consignment in a city thousands of miles from here. 

-Disabled all social media accounts. Friends are emailing me asking me if I'm ok. Not really!

I'd start a new thread here but I'm not really seeking advice. I just wanted to show what a remorseful spouse looks like. I'm still not doing enough but I will find my way back into my beautiful wife's arms. I don't care if it takes forever.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> I had a 5 month EA which went physical last year with a woman half my age. Been married for 21 years with 2 kids. I am remorseful, guilt-ridden, contrite, you name it. I feel awful for what I've done to my wife, kids and marriage. It's over. Wife filed for D 3 months ago. We are slowly working towards building a new relationship and here's what I've done so far to prove that I am worthy of her even considering rebuilding:
> 
> -Apologized repeatedly, too much probably.
> 
> ...


How did your affair come to light?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> How did your affair come to light?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me, my wife and my AP all work(ed) together. The AP moved away at the end of our relationship and someone that works in my dept. spilled the beans. Not my finest moment.

I'll probably be adding finding another job to my list here before too long.


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> Me, my wife and my AP all work(ed) together. The AP moved away at the end of our relationship and someone that works in my dept. spilled the beans. Not my finest moment.
> 
> I'll probably be adding finding another job to my list here before too long.


Do you believe your wife's decision to divorce you spurred you on your current course?

Did she at all give you any indication before filing?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> Me, my wife and my AP all work(ed) together. The AP moved away at the end of our relationship and someone that works in my dept. spilled the beans. Not my finest moment.
> 
> I'll probably be adding finding another job to my list here before too long.


Was/is your AP married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Was/is your AP married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she is a 23 yo single girl. Told me I was her first love.



weltschmerz said:


> Do you believe your wife's decision to divorce you spurred you on your current course?
> 
> Did she at all give you any indication before filing?


What do you mean? As far as my job goes? I was looking for another job before she filed. She did not give me any indication before filing. She found out, interviewed a couple of attorneys, picked one, filed and gave me the petition the next day. It took her about a month. She let me sign a waiver so I wasn't served at work.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> No, she is a 23 yo single girl. Told me I was her first love.


Geez. I hope you didn't break anything while falling for that.

Oh.

Wait...



AKA Broken Arrow said:


> What do you mean? As far as my job goes? I was looking for another job before she filed. She did not give me any indication before filing. She found out, interviewed a couple of attorneys, picked one, filed and gave me the petition the next day. It took her about a month. She let me sign a waiver so I wasn't served at work.


Did she confront you w/ knowledge of the affair prior to filing?

If not, she's probably done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Geez. I hope you didn't break anything while falling for that.
> 
> Oh.
> 
> ...


No, she did not confront me until d-day. We're going to work through this and rebuild. I admit it could still go either way, but my gut says we're sticking together.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

AKA Broken Arrow said:


> No, she did not confront me until d-day. We're going to work through this and rebuild. I admit it could still go either way, but my gut says we're sticking together.


You seem to be doing most of the right things now. Hope things work out between you and our wife. 

Just a few questions (not trying to judge at all)

If a coworker hadn't spilled the bean would you have ever confessed?

Not sure how far away the other woman moved - if your wife hadn't found out would you still be seeing her? Sounds like you fell REALLY hard for her since your own clothes remind you of her. I don't remember what I wore yesterday...

Had you broken off all contact with the other woman by the time she switched jobs? Or were you still in contact?

Have you gone no-contact with her now? Texts, emails, phone calls?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You seem to be doing most of the right things now. Hope things work out between you and our wife.
> 
> *Thanks, I appreciate that. We're very close to a breakthrough, I just need to show her that I understand what my choices have done to her. Of course I do understand, but I need to express it to her in a meaningful way. *
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@AKA Broken Arrow, you should probably go ahead and start your own thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck man hope it works out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> @AKA Broken Arrow, you should probably go ahead and start your own thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, that's ok; see below. I'll start a thread and tell the whole story when we make it through to the other side:



AKA Broken Arrow said:


> I'd start a new thread here but I'm not really seeking advice. I just wanted to show what a remorseful spouse looks like.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I mean[B] she gets pumped by the OM[/B] for 2 years and then she'd "do anything" to keep her Husband from D'ing her. [/QUOTE]
> 
> This is how you describe a sexual encounter you had with a woman/your wife?
> 
> ...


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

roxie1983 said:


> We are not divorcing and we are doing well (I won't claim very well because thats not true). But how this turnaround was achieved, I have no interest in sharing here because most would find faults in that and dictate what I "should" be doing instead.


If we'd find fault with how you're reconciling then it's gotta be either TT or blameshifting.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> This is how you describe a sexual encounter you had with a woman/your wife?
> 
> "Dude, I pumped her last night!!"
> 
> ...


You'd place the relationship between man and wife on the same level as that of an adulterous relationship between a wayward spouse and his or her affair partner?

Sounds like you're already off to to bad start where this is concerned (quoted from below)...



> All I can tell is its my life's mission now to make my husband feel honoured, loved, secured and happy just like he deserves.





roxie1983 said:


> Yes speculate to your heart's content.
> 
> You know you have a very appropriate name for the profile because you can go pound ground or sand or whatever!


Urban Dictionary: ground pounder



roxie1983 said:


> We are not divorcing and we are doing well (I won't claim very well because thats not true). But how this turnaround was achieved, I have no interest in sharing here because most would find faults in that and dictate what I "should" be doing instead.
> 
> All I can tell is its my life's mission now to make my husband feel honoured, loved, secured and happy just like he deserves.


Sounds like the divorce is going pretty slowly.

Oh well... he'll come around eventually.


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## roxie1983 (Nov 22, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> You'd place the relationship between man and wife on the same level as that of an adulterous relationship between a wayward spouse and his or her affair partner?
> 
> Sounds like you're already off to to bad start where this is concerned


So in your opinion, if a woman had slept with another man, she needs to be vilified and insulted with derogatory phrases about her sexuality? Got it!

But no the men in TAM are so respectful to women, even WS (this is sarcasm)

You know GusPolinski, I think you are just a sex deprived, small penised male and a class A fetishist bletch. My last reply to any of your post.

Now go on, insult me to your heart's content.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Don't resort to blatant name calling Roxie its not nice and makes any thing you say redundant


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> So in your opinion, if a woman had slept with another man, she needs to be vilified and insulted with derogatory phrases about her sexuality? Got it!
> 
> But no the men in TAM are so respectful to women, even WS (this is sarcasm)
> 
> ...


I can only speak to myself and I would say no you should be vilified but then again i am not married to you, in your first post i did not sense remorse, i did not sense your willingness to acceptable culpability, and to realize that your husband is angry at you, so he leashed out to you in words, whether you like it or you have to accept your punishment or not, if then leave those are your choices if you stay in the marriage you have to accept the fact that he has to work through the anger to be honest i read so little remorse in any of your postings, i read little work on your part to help you through this ordeal for your husband sake. instead you sound bitter that you have to accept any form of punishment. you truly have to work on your selfishness.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Don't take what I'd written to hard. 

It was basically just troll bait and it worked. >>>






roxie1983 said:


> This is how you describe a sexual encounter you had with a woman/your wife?
> 
> "Dude, I pumped her last night!!"
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxie1983 said:


> So in your opinion, if a woman had slept with another man, she needs to be vilified and insulted with derogatory phrases about her sexuality? Got it!


No, and I didn't say that.

And let's not pretend that infidelity is a valid component of any sort of healthy "sexuality".



roxie1983 said:


> But no the men in TAM are so respectful to women, even WS (this is sarcasm)


More shaming and diversion. Classic tactics of your typical faux feminist.



roxie1983 said:


> You know GusPolinski, I think you are just a sex deprived, small penised male and a class A fetishist bletch.


Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion. And to be wrong.

And you've accomplished that no less than 3 times here. 



roxie1983 said:


> My last reply to any of your post.


Say it isn't so! 



roxie1983 said:


> Now go on, insult me to your heart's content.


I've not insulted you at all. I've only called you out on your bullsh*t.

And besides, you've said more here -- and done far more elsewhere -- to insult yourself than anyone else. It's a shame you don't see that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

roxie1983 said:


> So in your opinion, if a woman had slept with another man, she needs to be vilified and insulted with derogatory phrases about her sexuality? Got it!
> 
> But no the men in TAM are so respectful to women, even WS (this is sarcasm)
> 
> ...


You don't get it, are incredibly biased(women slam your pathetic actions and attitude here too) and you behaved like a brazen ***** and had a bad attitude about it after you were caught. Describing disgusting behavior with disgusting words is appropriate.

Sounds like you might be coming around for your betrayed husband and that is good.

None of us caused any of your problems however.

Your vitriol should be saved for yourself and your pathetic choice to shyt on your husband for at least two years.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

As opposed to a small penised female.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Boom Boom


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

:redcard::nono: @Roxi1983


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

@roxie1983 you don't seem to do well with criticism. Do go back, and read your original post, and your subsequent responses to the commenters. I think it will help you tremendously, *if you can do so with a critical eye toward yourself.*



> I had an affair with a coworker which ended 9 months ago. I never thought my husband would find out because I have left the company since then and I never socialized with the coworker in front of other colleagues. But my husband has found out a month ago.


The way this is worded doesn't inspire remorse, it inspires sociopathy. You appear to have no fear of doing wrong, but only a fear of being caught.



> I can't understand why he is worried about what my ex coworker thinks. I have told him why does it matter if we won't see him again and he is not in our social circle. And I have cut all contacts with other coworkers. So even if my affair partner is bragging about having sex with me, none of them will be able to contact us. I had sex with other guys before our relationship. I don't keep contact with any exes. How is this different?


This entire paragraph lacks any empathy for your H. 

Tell me, philosophically, what is the difference between your H having sex with other women before you married, and him having sex with other women now?



> He hasn't left me yet though its been one month and we still sleep together. We have had sex a few times but he says nasty things to me which are simply not true. Thats why I now feel dirty to have sex with him and our intimacy has almost reached zero


What kind of nasty things? Are they not true, or are they just mean?

You feel dirty to have sex with him, but have you considered how he feels about having sex with you after you cheated and hid it? Again, there is a terrible lack of empathy for your H in this paragraph.



> The problem is I am 4 months pregnant with our first child. Its 100% his child because when I conceived, the affair was 5 months over. But he doesn't believe the child is his. I have offered to set up a DNA test after he/she is born. But he still doesn't think it is his and refuses to provide his nail, hair sample for DNA test.
> 
> Please help...


After someone breaks their solemn oath to you, it can be very hard to want to believe anything they say, or to even want to help them prove the veracity of it. You already cheated with at least one other person, why should he believe you're not cheating now, and won't in the future?

Every single paragraph, every single response you provide is lacking in empathy. 

I asked you before, if you speak to your H the way you respond on this forum. Do you?


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