# What should I do - need answers by tomorrow!



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I've been seeing a woman for the last 6 months who is very jealous and insecure. She is 13 years my junior at 31 and quite immature. She is always accusing me of cheating etc and says she isn't good enough for me. I really like her but my patience is wearing thin. She will not let me talk to any other woman which is a problem as I have a lot of female friends and we work together.

Anyway the reason for my post is that in the last 2 months we have barely spent any time together due to her being (genuinely) busy.

For her christmas present I spent a lot of money on tickets to see her favourite group and a nice hotel away -the concert is tomorrow night. I have not told her as I wanted it to be a surprise.

Last 2 days she has been really off with me, particulaly yesterday because she saw me talking casually to another woman at work !

She had previously agreed to coming over to my house tomorrow (without knowing we were really going away). I've asked her twice today if she is still coming tomorrow and she hasn't replied, although she has replied to other texts.

Should I just forget it ?

I know if I told her I'm taking her to see her favourite group she would say yes at a shot, but that's not the point - the way I see it is if she doesn't want to see me then fine and forget the concert. Or am I being petty?


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think you need to tell her more.

You are being way too insecure about her not coming over, which, if she doesn't, would ruin the surprise.

So, just come clean, tell her you have something special planned, dress nicely and be at your house at 6:15.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

...and then when the evening is over, think very very carefully if your girlfriends behavior is behavior you will be able to deal with in the long run. She is shouwing you who she is... 

~sammy


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think you're being petty at all. Women make up half the population, how can she realistically expect you not to ever talk to any woman but her?

She sounds very immature for 31 years old. I'd be cautious if I were you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you work with your gf? Is that how she saw you talking to the woman you work with?

It would be interesting to tell her about the show and she if her attitude changes. Take her if she shows up.


But in the long run you really need to think about this. Do you really what to spend your life with someone this jealous?

Is she open to going to counseling?


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you talked to her about her jealousy?


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

She sounds exactly like my brothers gf. if my brother would listen to a word I said without resenting me, my advice to him would be 'RUN'. 
Same advice goes to you OP.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whoever this group is and whoever this woman is, neither are worth the drama. I raised kids but have no desire to date one.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go on the trip. And then ask yourself why you're putting up with this.


----------



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

yeah I have talked to her about her jealousy on a number of occassions. And yes she has had counselling in the past.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Forget about the surprise. Tell her about the concert and the hotel. You can re-evaluate your situation later on. You've paid for this "surprise gift" already. After this, I don't think surprises will be in order for your girlfriend.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'll just wonder about the trip you're taking your OTHER girlfriend on - is it better, more expensive, fancier...


----------



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Forget about the surprise. Tell her about the concert and the hotel. You can re-evaluate your situation later on. You've paid for this "surprise gift" already. After this, I don't think surprises will be in order for your girlfriend.


yeh but I don't just want to tell her about the concert just so she will go. If she can't be bothered seeing me then just f* it ?

I want her to be with me because she wants to, not just to see some dudes on stage


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Yes, there is a problem. A 31 years old woman who is asking you never talk to a woman at work? this sounds immature. what did you do that make her to have such extreme jealousy? to the point that she thinks she can to control your social interaction at work? Anyway, enjoy you show and talk to her again. She needs to grow up.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rumple9 said:


> yeh but I don't just want to tell her about the concert just so she will go. If she can't be bothered seeing me then just f* it ?
> 
> I want her to be with me because she wants to, not just to see some dudes on stage


Maybe you should cancel your hotel reservations and ask another friend to the concert.
Oh... and break up with your immature girlfriend.


----------



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

she has extreme jealousy because all previous ex boyfriends has cheated on her and been violent so she tars all men with the same brush


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, that's HER problem to fix, isn't it? Instead of fixing it, she just blames YOU for all THEIR - and HER - problems. No way to live.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> she has extreme jealousy because all previous ex boyfriends has cheated on her and been violent so she tars all men with the same brush


That's sad, and I feel for her, but she's an adult, it's her problem to overcome and it's not right to make you pay for sins of those who went before you.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think I would Let it play out if she doesn't show then maybe she will learn a lesson In maturity? My god 31 year olds act this way?

No matter what happens OP this behavior is likely NEver going to change. Is this how you want the rest of your life to go? Plenty of secure and emotionally mature women out there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> yeh but I don't just want to tell her about the concert just so she will go. If she can't be bothered seeing me then just f* it ?
> 
> I want her to be with me because she wants to, not just to see some dudes on stage


So take someone else.. a male friend maybe. Or sell the tickets.


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

RUN RUN RUN!!!!!! I'm talking from experience, if this is how she is 6 months into the relationship then this is only going to get worse. Mine was the same and I ignored it, thinking once I showed her how how much I loved her the feelings of insecurity would diminish.

Boy was I wrong, it got worse and worse to the point she got jealous if I looked at a female on television! !!

What ever you do DO not get this woman pregnant! 

I wish someone had given me this advice!!!


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

jenermya said:


> Why she felt jealous and insecure - all because of you! You are busy with your work, spend a lot of money on her, but the most important thing you didn't give her - love or you love her but you don't know how to express your love to her.
> As you said, you work together with a lot of women, so you should take care! You can make your woman better, if she becomes badly, which means you also failed.
> when a woman becomes the one you didn't want, maybe you are not suitable for each other, or you didn't use the right way to her. Don't think she changed. Wish you well.


What???? So he's responsible for whether or not she's a secure/insecure person??? Is she a robot with zero input into her own personality? 

This has to be the worst piece of advice I've ever had the the displeasure of reading!!!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your gf does sound like she has some issues but I will ask this, only because I know a guy like this that I've recently had a similar conversation with. You say you have a lot of female friends, so have you taken an objective look at your boundaries with all of these female friends? The person I spoke to was having a hard time keeping his relationships because he had terrible boundaries with his female friends. Even his female friends told him it was going to be a problem, but he just doesn't want to hear it. Granted in his case it was an issue with all of his dates, not just one, so that's another question to ask yourself. Is she the only one you've had this issue with?

And you don't want to tell her about the concert just so she will go? You're worried about her seeing dudes on stage? And she's the one that's immature? Really? If you're not happy with her just end it.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the surprise concert was a nice gesture but making it an overnight trip without telling her is a bit presumptuous. Ever consider she may not want to spend the night with you? Or she already has plans for the next day? Or what about a change of clothes?

Anyway...it sounds like the relationship is coming to an end, she sounds immature and insecure and it will drive you nuts trying to make her happy, and you will probably never make her happy.

I say maybe take her to the concert but cancel the hotel...or break up with her and sell the tickets. Or just give her the tickets and tell her to take a friend.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

OP I think it's kind of weird to buy a hotel getaway for a woman you're having problems with that you've only been dating for 6 months.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cooper said:


> I think the surprise concert was a nice gesture but making it an overnight trip without telling her is a bit presumptuous. Ever consider she may not want to spend the night with you? Or she already has plans for the next day? Or what about a change of clothes?
> 
> Anyway...it sounds like the relationship is coming to an end, she sounds immature and insecure and it will drive you nuts trying to make her happy, and you will probably never make her happy.
> 
> I say maybe take her to the concert but cancel the hotel...or break up with her and sell the tickets. Or just give her the tickets and tell her to take a friend.


My H once planned the most romantic thing ever - a place with massages, hot tub, romantic fireplace, etc. He picked me up from work and just took me there without warning. And as much as it was an amazing event, a little part of me was offput, thinking about what of my stuff did he pack, would I feel comfortable in it, what if I'd had plans to do something that day (he didn't know any of my contacts so couldn't have checked)...and that wasn't even an overnight thing.

What I'm trying to say is, even if you're an established couple and trust each other, there could be some hesitation for various reasons. But if you're only together 6 months, you're having problems...just be warned that the 'surprise' may not be appreciated the way you think it will.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Tell her to bring overnight bag but not what your doing. Tell her what time the bus is leaving, if she is not there call up another bud snd enjoy the show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I have a friend who for some reason picks the women who are insecure, very needy and clingy. I guess it's his style and my track record is nothing to brag about either but with him, he gets deeply involved with them and slowly but surely it starts getting to him and his relationships last a few years and then it falls apart and he starts over again and you guessed it, another women with the same traits and it's like a never ending story. 

Now with that said, if it was me, I would be careful getting too involved with someone that insecure because she might be all that but sooner or later, "all that" might not be enough to keep it going.


----------



## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

Dump the insecure girlfriend, and ask the hotty you were talking to at work to go with you instead.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> So take someone else.. a male friend maybe. Or sell the tickets.


Or a female friend because I don't think the relationship between you two will last.


----------



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Just to update, we did end up going, she loved the surprise and was apologetic for her behaviour (althoguh throughout the weekend there was lots of insecure stuff still going on!)


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Just to update, we did end up going, she loved the surprise and was apologetic for her behaviour (*althoguh throughout the weekend there was lots of insecure stuff still going on*!)


But you continue to hang in there, don't you?

I'd be very interested to hear why you would want to be with an extremely insecure, immature, jealous woman.

Are you also insecure, immature, and possibly jealous? Or are you the polar opposite? If so, is your mission to convince her that you are the one good man who has come into her life?

Seriously. I'd like to know what you are doing with this mess.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad it worked out. It will behoove you to read up some on insecurity and how best to react to it (i.e. by NOT reacting to or giving in to it). You can help her come out of that grave she's dug, with your own confidence.


----------



## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

When I was younger, I had some of the same tendencies as your girlfriend, so I hope that you are interested in hearing from me on how I would have liked my boyfriends back then to have helped me through my issues... not that it's your job to fix her or anything, just that there are ways to prevent some of these mishaps and hopefully be happier together. 

First of all, what she is going through is most likely a phase. She doesn't need to be stuck in this mode of behavior where she's plagued by insecurities and losing her mind over small things. And you don't have to walk away. She's still young. She's growing up, coming into her own, and it's scary. She will hopefully have enough positive life experiences to work through this and grow into a confident woman. 

Will she be everything you want her to be? Probably not. She's human. But here's my initial reaction to your situation 10 or so years after I exhibited the behaviors of your lover. 

First off, DON'T ever plan anything behind her back. It's supposed to be more romantic, in your mind, by making it a surprise and doing it all for her. 

I hated that stuff so very, very much. I cannot be emphatic enough about this. 

Instead, plan things WITH her. Want to do something special for her? Tell her.

She may just relish every single moment that goes into your joint planning of dates like this one. 

I really hope that this suggestion inspires you and in no way puts you down. What you planned is so very sweet and romantic.


----------

