# Teens and Cellphones



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

What are your thoughts on teens with cell phones?

I had lunch with my friend today who wanted to know if she is being rational or acting out of anger. Her 14 year old begged and begged for a cell phone for her 13th birthday. Her mom reluctantly got her one. She said everything seemed ok for the first couple of months. But then she got more and more buried into it. Her grades starting slipping and she wasn't sleeping as much as she needed. She ignored all warnings and fought any attempt at restriction.

Well apparently three weeks ago she was caught exchanging not so appropriate photos with a male classmate. It was escalated to the school resource officer who reported it to cps. She got a visit from cps who did a welfare inspection and found everything ok. The cps worker said she was closing the case but gave a stern written warning of potential legal issues if this happens again. 

My friend didn't just take away the phone. She canceled her phone line and told her you will not ever get a cellphone again until you are 18 and buy your own. She had the phone which was an IPhone 10 or something similar and asked if I wanted it which I said no thanks. She threw the phone into the trashcan at the restaurant..... I told her I didn't think she was irrational at all. But her biggest mistake was not installing parental software. 

My daughter has a phone. It has parental software. It is locked during school hours. It shuts off at 8pm nightly and is available from 9am to 8pm on weekends. It has web filters and all texts can be remotely viewed. We have a clear understanding that her mom and I can check her phone anytime we ask. Fighting us over checking the phone results in it being taken away for two weeks and that has been enforced 3 times. She also knows about the parental software and we have told her if she removes or disables it somehow, the account will be deactivated..... Overall, her mom and I are a bit impressed by her maturity so far with it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ahh, we had problems with all our kids. Unfortunately all 3 got into some trouble and I’m glad they did, though it wasn’t as serious as this girl. let me tell you, the best behaved kids will get into trolling, bullying and other stupid behaviour and the best thing is to let it happen and let them face consequences!! It eventually happens!!

So how we handled it, was to initially monitor their phones. And even that led to one incident where they got into trouble FROM OTHER parents, teachers and their peers. And then they alone realised what they’d done. It put a quick stop to that nonsense.

My kids then became their own agents, and pretty quickly put their phones down and went off to bed by themselves at a reasonable hour. No amount of threats and nagging will make them realise! Teens have to make these mistakes and navigate this too. I was going out of my mind during those times. Once the incidents put some fear into them, we were able to tell them that moving forward they had our trust, and we would no longer need to monitor their devices. Trust me, hearing from a teacher that they look tired and were they up until 4am on their phone in front of a classroom of the kids they’re trying to impress is going to have more of an impact than the parent kicking and screaming. Or another parent taking screen shots and getting the school involved or approaching them directly. They’re still kids, they will make mistakes, and it helps a lot of we don’t fix the mistakes they’re going to make. I’m the real world, which they’re entering quickly, mum and dad won’t bail them out.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Btw, I have also known teens to use their friend’s phones or find ways to get other phones. I know of one little demon who cried to her best friends mum about her parents’ restrictions… that parent felt so bad she got her a contract for a phone. Once the girl ran up a serious bill, the parent realised what was going on and it got messy. Let them get up to no good once, and just once, and see if the behaviour changes.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Luckylucky said:


> Ahh, we had problems with all our kids. Unfortunately all 3 got into some trouble and I’m glad they did, though it wasn’t as serious as this girl. let me tell you, the best behaved kids will get into trolling, bullying and other stupid behaviour and the best thing is to let it happen and let them face consequences!! It eventually happens!!
> 
> So how we handled it, was to initially monitor their phones. And even that led to one incident where they got into trouble FROM OTHER parents, teachers and their peers. And then they alone realised what they’d done. It put a quick stop to that nonsense.
> 
> My kids then became their own agents, and pretty quickly put their phones down and went off to bed by themselves at a reasonable hour. No amount of threats and nagging will make them realise! Teens have to make these mistakes and navigate this too. I was going out of my mind during those times. Once the incidents put some fear into them, we were able to tell them that moving forward they had our trust, and we would no longer need to monitor their devices. Trust me, hearing from a teacher that they look tired and were they up until 4am on their phone in front of a classroom of the kids they’re trying to impress is going to have more of an impact than the parent kicking and screaming. Or another parent taking screen shots and getting the school involved or approaching them directly. They’re still kids, they will make mistakes, and it helps a lot of we don’t fix the mistakes they’re going to make. I’m the real world, which they’re entering quickly, mum and dad won’t bail them out.


Loved your post, very informative 👍....Stuff like this scares me so much as a parent. Its funny how you don't want them to make mistakes, but realize they will make mistakes, and have to make mistakes to learn anything.

I can't be with her every minute of everyday and I know she would go crazy if I were around all the time. But just when you get that tiny little thought that maybe this is not as hard as I thought. The 6x6 beam of teen hormones smacks you out of nowhere and right when you start to get up, your patience factor is sucker punched by what feels like Mike Tyson in his prime 🤣


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I made it sound so easy though, but believe me it wasn’t, and I still don’t know if I did it the right way? It was mortifying for us as parents to hear what they’d done. So much blame, ‘where did we go wrong? We didn’t raise them this way, we look like the worst parents! My god what must people think about us!’ But the reality is, other parents had kids doing this too, good families, bad families. I try to keep in mind that they have to leave the nest, it’s normal and healthy for them to push away and reject and rebel. We have to also support this and push them away too in some way and not hold them so close. Parenting teens is so tough, you just don’t know what’s right


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

We have a few different layers of controls on the kids phones. The more responsible they are in general the more lax we are with electronics. School slipping is ground for loss of phones until grades improve. I think there is a lesson in responsibility in having a phone for a kid. They understand with having a phone they have responsibility and by acting irresponsibly there are consequences. If it's not phones it's something else with teens, there is no perfect solutions just best efforts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She can't be trusted with it at this time. A friend of mine's 13 year old was being sent an Uber to take her out to visit a guy in a suburb, and that friend had parental controls and stuff on there, but they can always manage some way. 

Not only have parental controls but take their phones into your room when you go to bed so they are not an overnight option at all.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

15 or 16 should be the age and place heavy parental controls on it...unless you want your teenage girls sending nudes.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I gave in and while she wasn't the first one of her peers, she had one earlier than a lot of the other kids...

I had/have a different parenting philosophy than many others...I didn't really ride herd over her, like a lot of these helicopter parents,...That's nuts, and when I was a kid, there is no way in hell I would agree to any of that crap, so I didn't expect her to either....I established a relationship, where the absolute worst thing that can happen to my daughter is to let me down and betray my trust,,,,Once you have established that, then everything is pretty simple...No yelling, no overbearing controls, no nothing...The thought of heavy handed parental controls would be crazy...I trust her, and she never really let ,me down...Little shyt here and there, but nothing to worry about....I don't know what she did and didn't look at and I don't really care...The results speak for themselves....Top student, graduated with a variety of honors and is now enrolled in one of the top 10 Uni's in the country and not only is she also kicking ass there, but she is easily one of the most mature and responsible kids you will ever meet for her age...

I guess my point is the phone isn't the problem.,.. It's just a device...It can't do anything without the person owning it acting on or doing what they should or shouldn't do...IMO, When they are raised right, then it's not a problem...At the very least, she had ample opportunity to let me down....She didn't...Period..


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Parental software, collecting it at night, checking it once a week - these are all great tools. I am aware of a friend of my son's who had his taken away by a parent, so he picked up a trac phone at Walmart, hid it from his parents and used it until they returned the original. The reason we allowed our kids to have cellphones was sports. In the old days, the coaches would open the gym and allow the kids to call when coming home from sports. Now, the coaches expect the kids to have cellphones. They borrowed cell phones to call us until we relented and bought them. We have older kids that didn't have cellphones until they bought their own and we now regret not getting them phones that they could learn to use under parental supervision. In college and after, we noticed that they post things at 2 or 3 am that are not always appropriate. If they had learned to use them under our supervision, we could have instilled some self discipline.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I guess my point is the phone isn't the problem.,.. It's just a device...It can't do anything without the person owning it acting on or doing what they should or shouldn't do...IMO, When they are raised right, then it's not a problem...At the very least, she had ample opportunity to let me down....She didn't...Period..


Same here. I feel safer if my son has a phone when he's away from me. We watch it, and there are rules, and for a while we made him charge it in the living room because he was waking up in the middle of the night (as people do, not on purpose) and instead of going back to sleep he was playing on his phone. (I do that too) We've had no other issues with it. He is not on any social media.


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## Mzzdiamonds (10 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> What are your thoughts on teens with cell phones?
> 
> I had lunch with my friend today who wanted to know if she is being rational or acting out of anger. Her 14 year old begged and begged for a cell phone for her 13th birthday. Her mom reluctantly got her one. She said everything seemed ok for the first couple of months. But then she got more and more buried into it. Her grades starting slipping and she wasn't sleeping as much as she needed. She ignored all warnings and fought any attempt at restriction.
> 
> ...


Which parental programs are you using?


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## Mustbecrazy (Jul 10, 2013)

I believe that any child who independently drives a car MUST have a cell phone, even if it's only capable of dialing 911. You don't want your teenage daughter hitch hiking because her car broke down, or for your son to be walking along the interstate.

My kids are all adults now, so fortunately they went through this stage before cell phones had cameras. When my daughter was in high school, I went outside one night at 2 am because I thought I heard a noise, and I discovered that her car was gone. When she got home, she said a boy, whom I'd never heard of, had drunk called her and asked if she could give him a ride. Uh-huh. After that, the phone stayed in our room after she went to bed.

In my state, at least until recently, if an under age person shared nudes of themselves or other under age people, they could be arrested and charged for child pornography, even if the pictures were of themselves. If convicted, they would be registered as sex offenders, not a great thing for a resume. If there's any chance your child is at risk for this, you and they should be aware of the possible consequences in your state and seek whatever remedy is necessary.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My friend who took the phone away from her daughter then found out the kids at school passed around a burner phone just for such occasions. Don't know who was paying the tab on that, but...


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