# Just recently asked for a separation... HELP!!!!



## jewelerz (Nov 7, 2008)

Me and my wife have been together for 12 years and married for 8. Our marriage is the normal marriage with the normal problems. We have 2 young children 8 and 4. When the 8 year old was born sex and time spent together went down but eventually picked back up. But when the 4 year old was born sex and quality time went down and never picked back up. My son (the 4 year old) needs and wants alot of attention (which he gets), he loves to play all the time from 8am to late at night sometimes past midnight (he has his days and nights mixed up still), also he still sleeps in our be although he has his own room. So the moral of the story is that there are frustrations, attitudes and tension between the both of us due to the lack of sex. When I approach my wife about it not necessarily about sex but the attitudes and etc she either a blames me for something that happened earlier in the relationship that happened years ago and I MEAN YEARS AGO or she with tell me some BS things that I need to change about myself " In order to make things right" and like and idiot I work on these things and nothing changes. So over a period of time I'll get frustrated and talk to her again which turns into a big blow out a weeks worth of silence and the cycle begins again. Now when we talk and/or argue its always one sided meaning that she expects me to sit there and listen to her bash me and when I bring up something about her which I believe either cause the problem or contributed to it she gets majorly pissed off at me and says to me "this is why I cant talk to you." I see that she is out right blaming me for our problems as if she is NOT a contributing factor and she's perfect. Or as if during our conversation she always has to express how she feels and that her feelings are the only ones that matter because she never tries to understand what I'm telling her about mine. i can say this for sure because when she talks I listen and ALWAYS make an attempt to change or enhance what she tells me HOWEVER whenever I tell her something (thats if I even get my point accross) she never makes that attempt. Well today she went off to see a marriage counselor which I didn't know about until she came home and told me she told me she wanted a separation because she can't handle it anymore. I plan on going to see the counselor on Monday. By the way her personality is like hot/cold meaning that we can get along like there are no problems in the world one day and the next is like I'm the worst person in the world and sometimes it like that in the same day morning and night. I know that we are over due for a vacation.... which she never offered to plan of inquire about except if its a family vacation. When I ask her why she never did she responds " you never either" and my response is that she's a much better planner than me when it comes to those things which is true. Anyways I really love my wife and I really want to make this work what should I do besides counseling?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

as a mother first over a wife.
the child needs to know there are boundaries. 
the thing is once issues like yours with children creep in , the child thinks its all ok and you rally round the child.
this is going to be hard , but he has to be put to bed at the same time everynight. yes and this includes leaving him/her to scream.

the longer you leave things like this , the worse it wil get and so could your marriage issues.
within your marriage there are lots of things going on, but you cant deal with them all at once.
so one at a time. the biggest issue is the child. no its not acceptable to be up til midnight.
as for the wife, you must think of things to, just because she is a good planner, doesnt mean she doesnt like surprises.
ask her to go out for a meal with you. and no children , just you and her.
when it come to your relationship with your wife, take small steps.
as the bigger issue is the child.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yes, I definitely think working on a normal bedtime for your 4 yr/old is the first step...He needs the routine and your marriage needs the time alone. You both sound frustrated with the current situation which makes it difficult because your conversations turn to finger pointing and arguments way to easily when you are both in this state. If I were you, I'd take the high road (forget that you feel you have been up until now) but start calm talks about things that will make her happy. If it's a vacation, ask her with or w/o kids and where she'd love to go to get away...if she responds with sarcasm or anything else, ignore it and keep positive. Do the two of you date? Suggest a date night once a week and plan it.


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## jewelerz (Nov 7, 2008)

As soon as my finances are in order which is soon thats what I plan on doing "date night" once a week. A friend recommended that which sounds like an excellent idea. I just hope that its not too late. Because it seems that she is very distant and now shes hanging out with friends going to clubs and the sort. See if shes actucally emotionally done with the marriage I hope that she lets me know insted of prolonging it.


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