# Walking Away



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I received a phone call yesterday morning as I was preparing to bow on the mat. It was from a pastor friend of mine who knew well of my plight, and had taken it upon himself to arrange for counseling for me and my spouse. He is a good friend, and I know he is concerned for both me and my family. 

He informed me that the sessions were to be with a Christian lady whom he has a world of respect for. I didn't have much time to talk, and he had caught me at the worst of all possible moments, as this is the one environment that I occupy where I am not in charge. 

I asked him to call back and just put the info to voice mail. My time away from the office is scarce, and I especially look forward to my Thursday morning practices as it is largely for instructors only. I am not an instructor, but I have defeated enough of them that I have been welcomed into their ranks. That being said, phone calls are still forbidden, but because of what I do some exceptions are made for me. 

Regardless, when I had a moment later in the afternoon, I called him back and thanked my friend, but declined his generous offer. I basically told him that if our marriage was a car "it's totaled." He tried to pry a little about why my wife may feel what she feels towards me, and I essentially told him that when he figures that out he can let me know.

I walked away. I've cancelled our couples counseling for next Thursday that was scheduled with another therapist, and I just feel "done". She recently framed a collage from Thanksgiving, and I pointed out how odd it was that with 15 or so pictures meshed together, that I managed to elude being photographed. I guess I must be part stealth bomber, part Sasquatch, and well I already knew about the ninja part. WTF.

My thought is that if she wants to create a life without me get creating, but don't ask me to pick you up when you fall down. She was at the hospital waiting all afternoon for her mom's boyfriend to finish an endoscopy. Nice.

I can still remember when I had knee surgery, she went to the gym and was late getting back so I had to call someone else to arrange for my own ride. The next day she went to her class reunion. It's good to be loved.

She says she "unsure" whether or not she wants to stay in our marriage. She's still pissed she says that I told her "she doesn't deserve me". Well, she really doesn't. Maybe the truth does hurt. I don't know, I'm just tired of being soul f***ed by this woman. She will argue with me for an hour, but not hug me for 30 seconds.

Was I wrong to turn down in essence what was hundreds if not thousands of dollars of free counseling? Do I have an obligation to search through a thousand bags of trash in a desparate hope that one of them might contain something of value? 

Am I deserting my post? I pesonally don't think so. I think I've reached my EOAS date. Service fufilled, perhaps not honorably, but let someone else walk the wall. I'm done. I've got nothing left. I'm walking away. LIL


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm sorry LIL. Do whatever you need to heal. If that means walking away right now, do it. Be good to yourself.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Therapist has told me that I'll know when its time to go.

Sounds like you know.

And it sounds like you've truly tried - but you can't do it all yourself.

Onwards and upwards, eh?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lastinline said:


> Was I wrong to turn down in essence what was hundreds if not thousands of dollars of free counseling? Do I have an obligation to search through a thousand bags of trash in a desparate hope that one of them might contain something of value?
> 
> Am I deserting my post? I pesonally don't think so.


You are not wrong in this lil. No matter how good the therapy, how long it goes or how much it costs it needs to have some amount of effort from both partners and your wife doesn't appear to be ready for that effort. I applaud your decision to call the game due to rain. At some point it has to move forward or it has to end. Being a fan of Dobson's Love Must be Tough, you never know, this might be the kick in the pants she needs. Good luck and bless.

In the spirit of winter you might want to change your status from Sasquatch to Yettie.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LIL,
I think it is fair to say that you feel you are the only one trying to make it work. One person cannot save a marriage. You need at least 1.5 people trying. 

What was her comment about counseling. Did she seem reluctant, unwilling? Or did she seem neutral. As for the collage, it feels like she is trying hard to hurt you. Why does she have so much anger towards you? 

If she is truly willing to go to counseling - and truly willing to make an effort there, are you really cancelling because of the collage? It is sad she hurt you, she sure does seem angry. 



lastinline said:


> I received a phone call yesterday morning as I was preparing to bow on the mat. It was from a pastor friend of mine who knew well of my plight, and had taken it upon himself to arrange for counseling for me and my spouse. He is a good friend, and I know he is concerned for both me and my family.
> 
> He informed me that the sessions were to be with a Christian lady whom he has a world of respect for. I didn't have much time to talk, and he had caught me at the worst of all possible moments, as this is the one environment that I occupy where I am not in charge.
> 
> ...


----------



## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

I say honorably discharged i didnt even get a proposal for counciling, don't drag out the enevidable just fix yourself like wren said and move on soldier!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is a decision that you will never need to question if it was a mistake.

I kept my head in the mode of "I need to save my marriage" for a very long time. Eventually I started asking myself "Why do I want to save my marriage? What am I saving?"


----------



## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

well put deejo and ur riteif all its going to do is bring you more and more grief and heartache just get to the healing stages now dont wait for a year when all you will do is think what a waste


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the other posters. You can't save this marriage on your own. It was wonderful that your friend offered free counseling. Maybe you can take him on it...individually. It was a lifesaver for me, when marriage counseling was a waste of time.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Spare yourself the pain I'm going through. Keep walkin'.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

be proud of yourself - it is what you need to do and you will be fine - it is so damaging to suffer through feeling unloved in so many different ways -


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

You tell me to be proud of myself. I already have pride knortoh, that's my problem. If I was a better man, a humble man, I could handle being wronged by my wife without lashing out and insisting on a divorce.

My children have done nothing wrong, and yet they will be hurt by my "pride". They are innocent where as I am not. I realize that I am partially at fault for the death of my marriage. They have done nothing wrong, and yet I have hurt them with my pride.

My wife may have a debt to me, but I am the one calling the notes due. I used to be a better man than this. LIL


----------



## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

I dont think its your fault because if you might not have walked away she prolly would have and now she doesnt want it so dont keep beatin yourself up do what is sensible instead of draggin yourself through the mud and walk away


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

last, don't start beating yourself up - not now - there is nothing wrong with being proud - just depends on what you are proud of...
as far as I can see you have nothing to be ashamed of 

but in any event maybe it is just the wrong word for now - I know myself even when I haven't done anything wrong I can slip into being very hard on myself - maybe right now there is just no place to feel anything but sadness....

sorry


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When it comes to kids, you always have to remember that your relationship is the model that they will use when they grow up and have families of their own. Is your current marriage what you want them to have? Or would it be more valuable to show them how to live happily - but apart?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm all for staying in the marriage for the kids! I know many different opinions on this. My rule of thumb has been affair, addiction, and abuse is a decent enough reason to leave. If the other spouse, has done something and isn't willing to get help or pay on their "debts" to the marriage, then you can't salvage the relationship alone.

If you are willing to stay under what conditions would make things tolerable?


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

CW, if I was to stay she would need to sincerly apologize and make concrete steps to better fufill her role as my wife. I feel we are and have been unequally yoked in so far as what we each bring to the relationship for a long long time. 

She feels it is enough to be a good Mom. I already have a Mom, and it's not her. I need a wife. Being a fine mother is an admirable thing, but it is about as relevant to overall marriage satisfaction as is my ability to break boards with my feet. It's neat, it's special, it's just not enough. Put more simply, yes it's an "A" English paper, but this is Math class dear. LIL


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Then if an apology and concrete steps are what makes your marriage tolerable, speak to her regarding the "line." If she can't cross the line, then it is time to walk away. 

I have a feeling that you have already attempted. No need to beat a dead horse.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

LIL,

There are many similarities between your situation and mine. One difference is you filed for divorce. However, I agree with others that who files isn't really the issue. I also have felt like there was an imbalance in my marriage, and I was silent about it for too long. In the end, if the other side cheats, lies, and is not willing to work things out .... walk away. It tears me up that you also have kids involved but I have spent almost 3 months coming to terms with the fact they they will appreciate me for what I'm doing NOW in the long run. Time will tell. I will pray for you and your family.


----------

