# Is it just me?



## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

10 years ago my wife reconnected with someone (male) she met in the Navy and knew for only 2 months. He came with his mother to meet us at a hotel lobby in DC when we were visiting. My wife assured me on several occasions they had only been friends. We were looking to move to a warmer climate and decided on a city where he lived. He was married and I will admit I didn't like the way I felt at times when we were around him watching my wife interact. We joined his church and my wife joined two organizations he belonged to. I became a reluctant friend. This guy moved a couple of years ago and I thought their interactions had stopped. When I asked my wife about him she would say she hadn't been in touch. In November my wife had a serious medical situation. She had her phone opened and while I was there she received a message from him in which he used the term sweetheart. This was upsetting to me. When she got home I asked and she told me that they had been lovers. I was devastated. My first wife of 21 years became involved with a married man and when she wouldn't stop we divorced and this wife knew I had been betrayed. My wife and I decided our marriage is worth saving and she ceased communicating with this guy. My wife admitted she betrayed me and could not believe she had blinders on. She has expressed sorrow. I believe this situation was not physical.

My wife and I are seeing a Phd. Therapist who likes Jung therapy. Our communications and caring are at new levels. The therapist told me the old situation is over and to move on with it. Last session the subject was brought up and asked if I could accept him in our marriage. I said absolutely not since they both betrayed me. The therapist says I am reacting to old garbage. She told my wife that I do not trust her. She told me that I am playing victim. My wife has the right to chose her friends and not tell me about their past. Now my wife sees this as my problem with her having done nothing wrong. How do others feel about this? Thanks.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Like I tell my wife, my love for her is unconditional. My continued presence in our marriage is highly conditiional.

While I don't doubt that moving on and not continuing to focus on the past is good, failing to be informed by the past is idiotic. What could possible gain to your marriage, could reintroducing this figure bring? If your wife's need to have a relationship (even if platonic) with this man outweighs her sensitivity to you, and her committment to you and the marriage then she is telling your where her priorities lie.

Your therapist is presenting techniques and theories, its up to you as a person to realize whats worth incorporating and what you should say "no, thank you to".

If my wife's therapist was telling me I need to be friends with the OM, I'd find a new therapist pronto.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

They were lovers before she met you or while you were married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> They were lovers before she met you or while you were married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


long before


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> Like I tell my wife, my love for her is unconditional. My continued presence in our marriage is highly conditiional.
> 
> While I don't doubt that moving on and not continuing to focus on the past is good, failing to be informed by the past is idiotic. What could possible gain to your marriage, could reintroducing this figure bring? If your wife's need to have a relationship (even if platonic) with this man outweighs her sensitivity to you, and her committment to you and the marriage then she is telling your where her priorities lie.
> 
> ...


I feel like you. She knows I will not tolerate this guy ever again in our marriage. I would never become involved with a past lover of 2 months. I would not subject my wife to possible emotional upset. It hurts that she didn't even consider my feelings about this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

FWIW- phd in his case appears to stand for piled higher and deeper. No offense intended- fire the therapist and find one that works for you. You wife deliberately lied to you. The trust needs to be re-established in a manner other than having someone tell you to just get over it and it is your problem.

All the best
WD


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> Like I tell my wife, my love for her is unconditional. My continued presence in our marriage is highly conditiional.
> 
> While I don't doubt that moving on and not continuing to focus on the past is good, failing to be informed by the past is idiotic. What could possible gain to your marriage, could reintroducing this figure bring? If your wife's need to have a relationship (even if platonic) with this man outweighs her sensitivity to you, and her committment to you and the marriage then she is telling your where her priorities lie.
> 
> ...



She values our marriage more than his friendship. It just hurts that she even considered doing something like this especially with her knowing about my old wife cheating on me.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

workindad said:


> FWIW- phd in his case appears to stand for piled higher and deeper. No offense intended- fire the therapist and find one that works for you. You wife deliberately lied to you. The trust needs to be re-established in a manner other than having someone tell you to just get over it and it is your problem.
> 
> All the best
> WD


It is a female therapist who believes in reincarnation and resolving issues in each life cycle to reach narvana I guess.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

shaken10 said:


> She had her phone opened and while I was there she received a message from him in which he used the term sweetheart. This was upsetting to me. When she got home I asked and she told me that they had been lovers.


There should be only one sweetheart.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

shaken10 said:


> It is a female therapist who believes in reincarnation and resolving issues in each life cycle to reach narvana I guess.




In that case, fire her. 

There is not a shortage of therapists. You can find someone who can help you both. Do you really need to pay someone for the advice she has given you that you posted on this thread? I doubt it.

Good luck
WD


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> She values our marriage more than his friendship. It just hurts that she even considered doing something like this especially with her knowing about my old wife cheating on me.


Good she may need to form some new thought patterns, or warn you if she thinking outloud. I believe empathy can be cultivated, it just takes some work.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Get another therapist so you can both work through this issue in a manner that helps both if you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Fire the therapist.
2. The OM and your wife were prior lovers and you believe throughout her affair they were never physical? He calls her sweetheart? I am sorry but you must be in big time denial to believe such lies.
3. If the roles were reversed would your wife have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?
4. Your wife had no intention of telling you but only did so because she was caught. What have been the consequences to her actions? It sounds like she is quite the little actress.
5. Demand that the both of you get tested for STD's. My hunch is that you know only the tip of the iceberg.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Your therapist is a moron. But tbh, I'm not sure I understand your story. Are you saying she reconnected with an old flame 10 years ago, you moved there and she had a multi-year affair with this man?

What I don't get is why did you go along with the move if you were uncomfortable right away? There were too many opportunities missed where you could have stopped this. 

Obviously it's not OK for her to be friends with him and she needs to start doing the right things to earn your trust back.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Your therapist is a moron. But tbh, I'm not sure I understand your story. Are you saying she reconnected with an old flame 10 years ago, you moved there and she had a multi-year affair with this man?
> 
> That is what I'm saying. She says just friends and the therapist agrees.
> 
> As with my first wife it all starts with "just friends and he's married so what is wrong with a renewed relationship".


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

You may here some things here that make you angry, they did for me.

Just like your choice with the therapist you're the one who has to live with the consquences of your actions (or lack of) and no one else. Bear in mind when you hear something that may make you angry, if what you were doing or believed was working well before - why did you wind up where you are.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Your wife bringing an old lover into your marriage under the guise of him being just a friend is one of the ultimate betrayals.

And yes, I agree with BryanP that more than likely your wife and her exBF continued their relationship once they reconnected.

My ex had a 'good friend' male that she brought into our relationship. He lived in another state and she would talk to him on the phone several times a year. She led me to believe that they were only good friends so, me being the sensitive new age guy, never thought anything of their friendship.

After finding out about her affair with an old BF from her past, I found out that she also hooked up with this 'really good friend' on one of her trips to visit her mom. I felt like such a fool. There were pictures that I remember of her and him and other couples. The blinders were off and I could clearly see from the pictures that there was more than friendship there.

Basically, her and this old BF undermined my marriage for the duration by pretending to be only friends. In my case, I never actually met or talk to him - I just took my wife's word for everything.

Anyway, you need to fire the therapist and set up a polygraph for your wife because you are not getting the entire story.


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