# Why trickle truth? Why not reveal everything?



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I did not want to know the details of what was done.

If I had, I doubt I'd have been able to cope with that knowledge.

I also did not give my wife the full details of my evening with my OW. But I told her we had not had sex, which seemed to be the important matter for her.

Why that should be, when she had had sex with her OM, I do not know.

Sometimes, trickle truth or evasion is used to stop the wayward from being embarrassed. Sometimes it is because they do not want to inflict more pain on you, the real love of their life.

But when I was the betrayed one? I think mentally I ran away and climbed into a little hole to hide from the idea that they had actually had sex. I hid there for a very long time.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I personally think it's a just a self defense and coping mechanism. The unicorn has left the building.

Life kinda sucks. 

Who wants to admit the idiocy that they did...not just to the betrayed but mostly, to themselves?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I personally think it's a just a self defense and coping mechanism. The unicorn has left the building.
> 
> Life kinda sucks.
> 
> Who wants to admit the idiocy that they did...not just to the betrayed but mostly, to themselves?


:iagree:

Most people like to see themselves in a good light.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Are you still with your wife ?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wanted to know the details because I wanted to know whom he valued more. 

IMO, you can't call someone just a friend and then treat them better than the person you call a gf and expect gf treatment from (like that you expect her not to date other men even though your just a friend EA can). 

So I think most people do TT because if they told the whole truth, they would be telling their partner that they treated their fly by night fling with more care, concern (and money) than they do you.

It creates a whole new playing field that they don't want to have to rise to.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

It is very difficult to admit to the one you love, the one you betrayed, the one you hurt so deeply, just how much you gave to the AP. it is also extremely difficult to acknowledge to your self that you were capable of inflicting such pain. I agree with Dig. It is very much of a coping mechanism, but once you can get past the really tough stuff and can see the BS is still sitting there, there its only truth left to say. it isa very difficult process for both parties, especially the BS.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

There is a darker side to this trickle truth business. One i got from that cheater's site i refuse to mention. Apparently the theory there is to admit only the strictly necessary in order to not reach breaking point with the BS. For example, if the BS found out about the affair, admit only to an EA (confess and cry like you're just having it all out) if there is no proof of a PA etc...

This is different from lying to avoid causing pain. This is lying to save their own hides.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't think there is any one reason for TT... It may be to spare the BS all the details that would be hurtful (treated AP better than BS, doing sexual acts that the WS never did with the BS, etc). It may also be to downplay the situation so that one does not have to change, the "cake eater." It is also a way to buy time so that when the situation appears right to do the fatal comple to the marriage in exchange for OM/W. And, as others have mentioned, personal coping skills, i.e., not having to admit just how much of a scoundrel the they the WS actually were... 

It just seems that no one reason for the TT fits every situation. Each Affair, may transform in a predictable fashion, but each also needs to be addressed on their merits. And, by this I don't mean to make justification for the act of infidelity. Thus is why I don't think that all affairs result in D as much as they cannot always result in R. It takes the skill of a surgeon to come to a successful conclusion rather than the heavy and oversimplifying hammer of demolish ball.


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## ObjectOfAffection (Jul 12, 2012)

I gave trickle truth for the first 18 or so hours after D-Day. It was about preserving my pre-dday life (maybe he'd forgive me if he didn't know the full extent), but also it was a natural extension of the poor communication habits I'd developed throughout our marriage.

An example of what I mean: I wasn't physically attracted to my ex husband for awhile before I even had the affair, but whenever he'd ask if I was no longer attracted to him I would lie and say "of course I'm attracted to you." I couldn't handle seeing his hurt if I told the truth. I didn't see how his knowing or not knowing could fix something that at the time I thought was 100% my issue.

So on D-Day, I confessed to what I knew he had discovered, plus a little more that he didn't know. I was hoping he would believe that was everything, since I admitted more than I had to. I thought he might be able to forgive me for these smaller transgressions, and I could at least temper the pain I was causing him. 

My trickle truth didn't last long however. The next morning after D-day, he told me he loved me, we'd work on it, and he was going to trust me that I'd confessed everything. I completely broke down and said to him, "You shouldn't trust me." For the first time in probably 3 years I told him the whole truth.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think when there is real remorse the wayward will in time reveal all. It took my fWW a few days to go over her 13 yrs of cheating, but for the most part it was on d-day that she got some of the monkey off her back (more then I ever expected) and as days past and the way I approached fWW the full extent was revealed.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I don't know what to make of this aspect. In "Just Good Friends" Prf Glass says that admitting to The Truth is difficult for the WS.

I think, after 4 months, I finally have been told the truths I knew by deduction within 4 days of DD.

It's a complicated mix of guilt, self preservation, compartmentalisation, selfishness and cynical behaviour.

Either way I have seen my WW absolutely desperate to stop me leaving even when she hadn't told the full truth. She has broken down, begged, let my car tyres down, driven miles etc etc. 

On each occasion she was terrified that the full truth would guarantee I would leave.

Like lots of things I guess there are 2 sides to this story even if one of them is born in deceit.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I was confronted post divorce and I told everything because honestly I didn't give a crap. I had an affair during my first marriage and it completely destroyed the last of any love I had for my husband. I strayed because I no longer loved him. I no longer loved him because he was a compulsive liar (like 85% of men)
If I love you, I wouldn't stray. That just defies love in my opinion it's ridiculous to say "I love my spouse so much" in one breath while you're screwing someone else in another. It's like it doesn't compute in my brain. 
In my opinion it's more likely that tricklers just want to preserve what little control they have left over the situation and their betrayed spouse. They want at least some dignity to cling to and it's purely for self preservation. One of the hardest things anyone ever has to face is looking inwardly and saying "no doubt about it, I am a piece of dog sh*t as of now"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Are you still with your wife ?


Very much so. 15/16 years past her affair. Doing well.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Why take the heat for something they don't know about? I imagine that is the line of thinking.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Protect the affair, protect self, avoid adult conversation and consequences. Selfishness. Consequences be damned.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Protect the affair, protect self, avoid adult conversation and consequences. Selfishness. Consequences be damned.


I did not want to protect the affair. But I was fearful. Fearful of what I had done to my wife, and fearful of what I had become.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I did not want to protect the affair. But I was fearful. Fearful of what I had done to my wife, and fearful of what I had become.


:iagree:

I myself had never imagined I would ever betray my husband the way I did. I was, and still am, disgusted with myself and horrified at my actions.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Circumstances differ in some important respects. Saint Matt's thread and I should have written if at all in the context of my limited understanding of his experience. Reactively, I wrote about trickle truth while the affair is kept underground.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

costa200 said:


> There is a darker side to this trickle truth business. One i got from that cheater's site i refuse to mention. Apparently the theory there is to admit only the strictly necessary in order to not reach breaking point with the BS. For example, if the BS found out about the affair, admit only to an EA (confess and cry like you're just having it all out) if there is no proof of a PA etc...
> 
> This is different from lying to avoid causing pain. This is lying to save their own hides.


:iagree:

Costa, I've got to agree. I think everyone has to keep in mind that a CS has just cheated. An extremely low, dishonest act they've done to their own spouse. They're not a normal sample group of mainstream society. Yes some are worse than others.

I just think in general, I find it impossible to believe that someone who has cheated (F#cked someone else!) all of a sudden holds back the truth to protect the feelings of their BS.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ya know Vegemite...even with Regret sitting beside me I agree with your post. She and I actually just talked about it, cuz she took it a little wrong at first.

Basically, what you're saying is that after the (insert length) of the affair, it's pretty illogical that the WS would all of a sudden consider the feelings of the BS.

It took me a minute to repeat that a couple times to Regret. But...she gets what you said. And she agrees. Her trickle truth wasn't really to spare my feelings. It was to spare her guilt of her betrayal. To herself!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I did not want to know the details of what was done.
> 
> If I had, I doubt I'd have been able to cope with that knowledge.
> 
> ...


Being trickle truthed....ignorance is bliss. My H does this all the time with me. I guess that's partially why I stick around.

I have to admit. I trickle truthed my H for a long time, and then eventually, then months later admitted it all to him. I couldn't live with myself anymore holding information like that in (even though he was cheating anyway) I wasn't doing it to be looked at as better, or because I thought he'd leave me. and I already knew I was a s*$%* head for doing it and he thought so too. I did it because.. for my H to know, would mean he would cheat more then he was already


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> It took me a minute to repeat that a couple times to Regret. But...she gets what you said. And she agrees. Her trickle truth wasn't really to spare my feelings. It was to spare her guilt of her betrayal. To herself!


Well , that shows that Regret "Gets it". Good for her. That's half the battle. Many BS's don't get to be that fortunate to have CS who will tell all and own their affair.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> Well , that shows that Regret "Gets it". Good for her. That's half the battle. Many BS's don't get to be that fortunate to have CS who will tell all and own their affair.


Even as a BS and reading some of the horror stories, I actually _do_ consider myself lucky that she does, in fact "get it". A week after Dday SHE ordered 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda MacDonald. She did that on her own with no prompting from me.

Even though she TT'd me...she's past that now. She accepts what she did and as tough as some questions are, she will answer whatever I ask without hesitation.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Trickle truth happens for many reasons. Protecting the identity of the OM/OW is wrong all the time.

All the reasons for trickle truth can be placed under the general headings that it is done to spare the WS as well as the BS. There is nothing wrong with a WS trying to protect themselves and their BS. There is a diference between protecting and lying.

Ultimately the level of details/truth needed to be heard can only be determined by the BS.

Does a BH need to know that his WW had sex with the OM? Yes.

When a BH asks his WW did she have sex and she say's only oral is wrong when in fact she went all the way as well. That is trickle truthing with the goal to deceive.

The WW does not have to give a comparison between BH and the OM in the bedroom when answering. That info was not asked for.

Does a WW have to be brutal to be honest? No.

I read a post years ago from a WW that was complaining during recovery that sex post dday with her BH was horrible to none existant with her BH. After all she gave her BH the truth. The OM's equipment was way bigger, OM could go an hour, make WW O many times, and get WW very vocal. That the OM would repeat his performance at least 3 times a night.

Just recently another WW was complaining about her BH's performance 1 month post dday. At least this one only let her BH know that he is leaving her unsatisfied.

She was not as brutal as the first WW, but she still complained to her BH that why can't BH satisfy her as the OM did.

A WW when asked if the sex was good, is honest if she enjoyed it to say she enjoyed it or say the sex was good. If the BH does not ask if the OM was better in bed then she should not saso. Same if the OM equipment was bigger. If the BH did not ask then the WW should not volunteer such info.

Remember the BH/BW controls the level of detail. Maybe the mind movies of the OM hung like a horse going at his WW would cause the BH mind movies he won't be able to handle.

The best thing for any WW/WH to do on dday is to say that they will answer their BH/BW questions but to think first and determine how much detail they need because once a question is answered it can't be unasked or unheard.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Trickle truth is :

1. they don't want to betray their confidence they share with the AP
2. they know what that their cheating is a heinous selfish evil act and they believe that if they tell you what they did, that you should by all rights put them in the street and never speak their name in kindness again.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

theroad said:


> Trickle truth happens for many reasons. Protecting the identity of the OM/OW is wrong all the time.
> 
> All the reasons for trickle truth can be placed under the general headings that it is done to spare the WS as well as the BS. There is nothing wrong with a WS trying to protect themselves and their BS. There is a diference between protecting and lying.
> 
> ...


The thing is, the thought already occurs and it's enough to cause hurt.

Most of us, by definition, are average. And that includes me. We have as much hope of being the best lover in the world as we have of being an olympic athlete. 

And by the way, that goes for my wife too. She is everything I want, but if I applied porn star criteria I might look elsewhere.

I want an enjoyable sex life for both of us, but the relationship has to be built on more. If all we want is the best physical sex possible, eventually we are going to go outside the marriage.

You can't build the relationship on a lie. Trickle truth is a lie.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Trickle truth is :
> 
> 1. they don't want to betray their confidence they share with the AP
> 2. they know what that their cheating is a heinous selfish evil act and they believe that if they tell you what they did, that you should by all rights put them in the street and never speak their name in kindness again.


Where are the rest of the reasons


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Where are the rest of the reasons


I honestly don't think are any more reasons. Let me check:

1. being loyal to the AP - check
2. covering their own butt because they know they should be on the street - check

yep, that it.

Cheaters are actually pretty simple, people spend way too much time over analyzing looking for reasons when the simple answers are already the right ones.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I honestly don't think are any more reasons. Let me check:
> 
> 1. being loyal to the AP - check
> 2. covering their own butt because they know they should be on the street - check
> ...


I never thought the first one myself....the second one might have crossed my mind once or twice. 

can I add a third? 

3. telling S certain details will send them into overdrive serial cheating ??

or this one was big..

4. feeling so horrible about cheating enough to feel like vomiting (let alone constantly divulging details)

could those be some? those were the main ones I use to think, and a lot of the reason I didn't want to say more.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Even as a BS and reading some of the horror stories, I actually _do_ consider myself lucky that she does, in fact "get it". A week after Dday SHE ordered 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda MacDonald. She did that on her own with no prompting from me.
> 
> Even though she TT'd me...she's past that now. She accepts what she did and as tough as some questions are, she will answer whatever I ask without hesitation.


My CW has improved immensely. But it took a long time. Too much time. And she still maintains certain stories ( like she couldn't recall the entire truth at the time I asked her), to protect her credibility. I, to this day, still don't buy it.

After 6 months of peaceful getting along and her good behaviour, about a month ago, the cracks began to appear. She came home one night after a tough day at work and chewed me out when I didn't deserve it. I called her on it. She eventually backed down and apologized. I've got strict boundaries on what I'll accept, and this crossed it. Long story short, it eventually led to more arguments.

After one huge dispute, we both agreed to separate about a month ago. So over the last few weeks we've been discussing it, dividing finances etc. It's settled again. I don't know where it will end.

Ironically. "I" bought that same book for her. I told her about it, but no reaction from her. So I bought it, and nicely asked her to read it. At the time she was swamped with work and said she would get to it. Then the fights began and she refused to read it. Now that things have settled and she's looking for a "back in", she read it and says she understands my position and views.

There in, lies the difference. With my CW, too little, too late. And I think for most of us BS's here, this is the reality. Sadly somedaydig, you have a rare CS.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I did not want to know the details of what was done.
> 
> If I had, I doubt I'd have been able to cope with that knowledge.
> 
> ...


IMO it really depends on what stage the A is in. If the WS is out of the A before dday. I think that they are trying to minimize what they did. So that in their minds, If I tell him this it will clear my conscience so I'll just leave the worst parts out. 

If they are deep in the A and heavily in the fog. TT is used to try and get you to rug sweep. So that they can still continue the A in secret. This to me is the far worse especially if the WS has fall back plans in place to keep the A going. 

Then there is the one where the A is discovered and is ended. The WS is beyond guilt stricken and is depressed, remorseful. Then in that Situation TT is probably used as a defense mechanism. They are probably afraid of laying it all out. They are afraid that if everything comes out at once it will be too much and you will just run and jump ship. The funny thing is that it is probably true in some instances.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

As every lie TT is about control of a desired outcome what ever it is; remain with your image untouched, avoid further conflict, manage the R with adventage, go underground... Sometimes it includes to cause no further pain so they stick to it to save their egos, because let's face it, the other considerations are still there (I wonder how can be sparing you the pain when you are suffering for being the the dark and begging for the healing truth).


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