# My wife is having an affair with a woman



## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

My wife and I have been together 20 years. We have a 9 year old son and live in Florida. We got married in 94 and she divorced me in 2000 and moved to NJ. After 11 mos we got back together and 2 years later, we found out she was pregnant
and we got remarried. We have had our ups and downs.

My wife plays allot of softball and over a year ago, she started hanging out with this Hallandale Beach police woman.

It seemed innocent at first, but they started spending more and more time together and wife is always texting.
I have confronted several times over the last four five months and she says that they are jsut good friends. Last week, she fell asleep with her cell phone and I decided to look, I found out what I already knew, I woke her up and confronted her.
She says they have not been intimate, but she she has been lying to me for months, why should I believe her.

I asked her to break it off and she even if she did, they would still be friends. Either of us can not afford to live on our own
and don't want to uproot our son.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, HELP!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

As long as they have contact your marriage does not exist .

Start by assuming you will have to seperate , that mindset sorts out your fear of dealing with this affair.

Read the following thread for background information and techniques 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Document everything incase it comes to another D


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

so, what exactly did you find out?


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

What I found out was that when they went out of town to softball tournaments and other times when they we together that they slept in the same bed and were all over each other. She admits she hasn't had sex with her, but I don't believe it


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Shakem said:


> What I found out was that when they went out of town to softball tournaments and other times when they we together that they slept in the same bed and were all over each other. She admits she hasn't had sex with her, but I don't believe it


Yeah, I wouldn't believe her either. Does your wife have a history of cheating or did you know before she was bi-sexual?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> they slept in the same bed and were all over each other. She admits she hasn't had sex with her, but I don't believe it


That is still being physically intimate. If there is any hope of marital recovery she's going to have to be willing to never again contact the OW (other woman) forever. As long as there is contact, there is no possibility for R (reconciliation).


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So she`s essentially telling you she will continue her affair regardless of your needs and the marriage.

Divorce her, that`s really all you can do.

Oh, you can continue to be cuckolded by a woman as well but I can`t think of any man who`d choose that path.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

She does not have a history of cheating or had no signs of being bi-sexual


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She needs to go No Contact with her friend. She can not argue that at all. Anything else is a desire to stay with her new lover.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She does not have a history of cheating or had no signs of being bi-sexual


Now she has both.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Shakem said:


> What I found out was that when they went out of town to softball tournaments and other times when they we together that they slept in the same bed and were all over each other. She admits she hasn't had sex with her, but I don't believe it


She admitted heavy foreplay and denies sex - yeah, I'm sure one or the other just said "OK we've gone far enough let's just stop and go to sleep now".


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

She says she went to her because I put on some weight and the last 3 or years have been trying financially. She said that this woman cop was someone she can talk to and that they get along really well. She has told me that she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sound the fog horn. She's in the fog big time.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

On Saturday, I got down on one knee gave her a new ring, said some very heart felt things and asked her if she would start being my wife again, she said that she wasn't commiting to anyone right now. But she really appreciated the gesture I made


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She says she went to her because I put on some weight and the last 3 or years have been trying financially.


If your excess weight caused her to loose attraction for you, why choose a woman? :scratchhead: And if times are tough financially speaking, is the woman giving her money to get over the hard times? :liar:



> She said that this woman cop was someone she can talk to and that they get along really well. She has told me that *she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore*


You got the cheater's classic ILYBINILWY script. Almost every cheater has said it to his/her betrayed spouse.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stop the crap right now! She owns you when you beg. Take control of the wheel. Cry and be depressed out of her sight. Every other time, take full control and lay down the law.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> On Saturday, I got down on one knee gave her a new ring, said some very heart felt things and asked her if she would start being my wife again, she said that she wasn't commiting to anyone right now. But she really appreciated the gesture I made



Dude are you honestly going to take that ****?

Stop with the romance crap..get pissed!!

She`s your wife she`s sleeping with someone else and telling you you can`t do anything about it.

She`s playing you like a cheap fiddle.

Set some boundaries right now or you`ll lose her.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

Funny you should mention that, a few months I told her that I know why this Jackie woman is paying when you guys are out, that you must be dating, of course she denied and said no, its not that, she has the money to pay and my wife did'nt


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

Any suggestions as to how I set boundaries, lay down the law and take control? We can't afford to live apart right now and I have my son to think about


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

you have to procede very carefully, don't let anyone fool you, her messing around with a cop makes things ALOT tougher. sudden mysterious pullover, car searches, whoops whats this we found in your car? has been know to happen...


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

I realize that, and one step I have taken is to forbid my wife to have my son be around this woman. I am a very religious catholic and this is just wrong, my son is taught about a realtionship, its man and woman, adam and eve. not eve and eve


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> Any suggestions as to how I set boundaries, lay down the law and take control? We can't afford to live apart right now and I have my son to think about


Who is the primary breadwinner?
Do you both work?
Do you own or rent?
Who is primary caregiver to your kid?
How old is your kid?

Answer these and you`ll get some good advice here.

You need to demand she stop ****ing the cop or divorce her.
I can`t get any more simple than that.

Splitting up will be economic hardship but it`s going to be hard for her too.

You have no marriage while she`s intimate with someone else.

She needs to see the destruction she`s caused first hand.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

we both work and we own the house. I am the primary caregiver because she is always out playing softball or hanging out. She loves our son, spends some time with him and would do anything for him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Go with her to softball, and she should be hanging out with you and your son.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

She says, why do u wanna go to softball, to spy on me?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Have you tried talking to the OW, ask her to back off, imply you will go to her boss - not to expose her as gay (not an issue) but that she is actively trying to destroy your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

no, not yet


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Have you tried talking to the OW, ask her to back off, imply you will go to her boss - not to expose her as gay (not an issue) but that she is actively trying to destroy your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Actually I would go to her boss.

There is a level of ethical consideration the police are supposed to uphold above and beyond a normal job.

The police also aren`t too thrilled with homosexuality in their ranks.
It could hurt her bad.

Great idea.

I`d definitely call the station and ask what their policies are for their cops who engage in homosexual extramarital affairs.

This has potential.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

I will find out who her boss is and speak to him or her


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I think you need to keep the homosexual part of it out of your complaint - it's implied.

Look these days homosexuals are a prodded class, the can serve openly in the military now.

Look it like this, if this female cop pursuing your wife was a black male cop, would your complaint to his boss focus on the fact that he is black....no you wouldn't. 

The issues is that this person is interfering with your marriage, if you live in one if the states that infidelity was illegal you would have major ammo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

This maybe hard to hear but the truth is, she does not love you. She cheats on you lies to you and pretty much tells you that she is not willing to be exclusive while you propose to her for a second time. The writing is on the wall I think you are just terribly scared and i am here to tell you that you should not be. Life is short enough as it is and no matter what you think of yourself at the end of the day if you don't love yourself no one else will. See what you can do to separate from her and start your own life afresh, if money is a problem start slow but start planning and try to separate...in this marriage the only person doing any loving is you and such an enviroment will be unhealthy for your child so think about him as well. Separation then eventually a divorce would be best for you, your wife has issues that go well beyond your control.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Romeo_Holden said:


> This maybe hard to hear but the truth is, she does not love you. She cheats on you lies to you and pretty much tells you that she is not willing to be exclusive while you propose to her for a second time. The writing is on the wall I think you are just terribly scared and i am here to tell you that you should not be. Life is short enough as it is and no matter what you think of yourself at the end of the day if you don't love yourself no one else will. See what you can do to separate from her and start your own life afresh, if money is a problem start slow but start planning and try to separate...in this marriage the only person doing any loving is you and such an enviroment will be unhealthy for your child so think about him as well. Separation then eventually a divorce would be best for you, your wife has issues that go well beyond your control.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Romeo_Holden said:


> This maybe hard to hear but the truth is, she does not love you. She cheats on you lies to you and pretty much tells you that she is not willing to be exclusive while you propose to her for a second time. The writing is on the wall I think you are just terribly scared and i am here to tell you that you should not be. Life is short enough as it is and no matter what you think of yourself at the end of the day if you don't love yourself no one else will. See what you can do to separate from her and start your own life afresh, if money is a problem start slow but start planning and try to separate...in this marriage the only person doing any loving is you and such an enviroment will be unhealthy for your child so think about him as well. Separation then eventually a divorce would be best for you, your wife has issues that go well beyond your control.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I second that.

After you talk to the OW's boss go see a lawyer and have D papers drawn up. Sometimes seeing the actual paperwork in front of them shocks them back to reality. If not then you already know you're done with her.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Like the others. You didn't know better. Now you do. The next thing you give her is divorce paperwork. Especially after ILYBNILWY and then you tried to give her another ring (good little cuckold). Now you bring her the divorce paperwork. When she is surprised (because you took your balls back), tell her, "well we tried it one way and you spit on me. Lets try it this way." Just the proper amount of "I don't give a sh!t about a cheating skank". Trust me, you will know one way or another. and as far the dykesville 9, forget going down on another a woman removes her right to be in any sport that does not involve you. Do you think you can man up and do this? Oh and from now on your name should be 
SHAKE HER!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have bee? She has a lover and is playing you for a fool. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You were married to her once and divorced, then remarried, right?

What was the reason for the divorce in 2000?


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> I think you need to keep the homosexual part of it out of your complaint - it's implied.
> 
> Look these days homosexuals are a prodded class, the can serve openly in the military now.
> 
> ...


If you've ever spent any time in South Florida, you'll notice that homosexuality is even better accepted there than in many parts of the country. I would not include this in the complaint, because in many areas down there, it will kill the rest of your complaint.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rogergrant said:


> If you've ever spent any time in South Florida, you'll notice that homosexuality is even better accepted there than in many parts of the country. I would not include this in the complaint, because in many areas down there, it will kill the rest of your complaint.


He doesn`t have to express the same sex nature of the complaint as it will be obvious.

However I live on the gulf coast of Florida(is that where the OP is?) and honestly it`s a crap shoot as far as racism and homophobia goes.
Along the coastal cities you`ve got modern educated people living contemporary live but a 20 minute drive inland takes you directly to the 1950's version of Green Acres where they`re still paying dues to the Klan on a weekly basis.

The alpha machismo police forces down here look down on homosexual relationships within their ranks in a big way.

Granted they might be a bit more lenient towards lesbianism but they do try to maintain some consistency in their bigotry.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Follow the great advice given you here. As for the female cop, this is what you do: You go to her police department and file a complaint against her with her internal affairs department for bothering your wife and your marriage and for moral misconduct.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shakem said:


> Any suggestions as to how I set boundaries, lay down the law and take control? We can't afford to live apart right now and I have my son to think about


She is cheating on you and in your face about it. This cannot be allowed to go on as it is a bad example for you child to see. Since divorce will come eventually if you allow it to continue you must take action now. 

You must tell her that she needs to end all contact with this OW (including ending playing on the same team) or you will be ending the marraige. Do not worry about the financial aspect of it. The worst that can happen is that you file for bankruptcy and start over. Better now than dragging it out later. Divorce may not be a great option but at least you will maintain the long term respect of your child.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

We are located in South Florida. One other thing, my wife said she was spending new years with me and our son, and then afterward, she was gonna go out with friends, the cop would obviously be there. Is it normal for a married woman to got out
on the town after she spends new years with me up til midnight?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Shakem said:


> We are located in South Florida. One other thing, my wife said she was spending new years with me and our son, and then afterward, she was gonna go out with friends, the cop would obviously be there. Is it normal for a married woman to got out
> on the town after she spends new years with me up til midnight?


You know the answer already she's off to see her OW . You can sit back and tolerate it or you can ruin her fantasy . A blanket text, mail or facebook message to the OW's family and friends telling them she is an adulterer and preying on your wife will help rock their little world.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

The OW has blocked me from facebook


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Follow lordmayhem's advice.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She does not have a history of cheating or had no signs of being bi-sexual


Well that's obviously wrong.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would not look forward to tangling with a lesbian cop. That has bad news all over it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have to get tough with your wife. You go to the police department today and file the compliant. You tell your wife softball is over, she needs to write a NC Letter right now, you tell her that she will not be going out on New Years Eve. 

If she says no to any of this hand her a suitcase and tell her to back her bags.

She is in the fog and she will continue to lie to you and cheat. Tell her to find a MC for both of you and do it today.

You do not need to yell just be firm and tough. Do not back down.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mahike said:


> You have to get tough with your wife. You go to the police department today and file the compliant. You tell your wife softball is over, she needs to write a NC Letter right now, you tell her that she will not be going out on New Years Eve.
> 
> If she says no to any of this hand her a suitcase and tell her to back her bags.
> 
> ...


Somehow I don`t think the OP has it in him.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

nc letter?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> nc letter?


No Contact.

It a letter or e-mail written to the OW stating that she(your wife) can no longer have any contact with the OW in any form and that their relationship is over.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Please be more manly than the OW!


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

I plan on it


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to your wife's actions equals no motivation to change. What would she say if the roles were reversed and you told her that you will spend New Years Eve with your family and then go out and spend time with your lover?

Time to contact a lawyer to understand your options. Why would you wife respect you if you are willing to accept her going out with her lover right under your nose? One more time: If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

She said that she hasn't had sex with the OW, but call me old fashioned, but I have no idea of what constitutes that actual act of sex in a lesbian relationship. SO, I would just have to assume that any intimate act with said person is having sex.

LordMayham is right. Moment of truth, it's either her family or the OW. ANd she needs to choose NOW!! Do NOT give her time to think it over. That only gives her time to do some co-planning with the OW to keep pulling the wool over your eyes.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

If she says she is planning on going out new years, I will lay it on the line, if you go, you are making your choice to be with her and not me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Shakem said:


> We are located in South Florida. One other thing, my wife said she was spending new years with me and our son, and then afterward, she was gonna go out with friends, the cop would obviously be there. Is it normal for a married woman to got out
> on the town after she spends new years with me up til midnight?


Only if she is cheating. What she is saying is the OW is likely tied up or something earlier and isn't available until after.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

She was going to spend new years with me and my son up until midnight and then go out. I had told her that new years eve is for couples and whoever you kiss and midnight is who you will be spending 2012 with. She said that just because she would be kissing me at midnight, that does'nt necessarily mean she would be with me the entire 2012.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Dude, maybe you need to draw up divorce papers again. This aint happenin' the way it needs to.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She was going to spend new years with me and my son up until midnight and then go out. I had told her that new years eve is for couples and whoever you kiss and midnight is who you will be spending 2012 with. She said that just because she would be kissing me at midnight, that does'nt necessarily mean she would be with me the entire 2012.


Why are you not talking to a lawyer? 

It is very clear that she has already made a choice. She is spending all her free time with the OW. They have been dating for quite a while. Your wife is only there because of your son and 50% f the assets, but she clearly plans on changing that now that her affair has been exposed.


So stop being a nice guy push over. She doesn't respect your acting like that, and for every nice guy puppy dog act you take she and her GF are only getting a good laugh.

Stop trying to compete, but instead show her you won't accept being treated like this.

See a lawyer this week. Secure all of your assets so she does not have access. For instance end any joint credit cards.

Get yourself a VAR and carry it on you at all times. She and her GF will likely pull some crap on you to get you out of the house.

Do not agree to babysit your son to free her up so that she can see hthe OW. Tell her that from now on, 50% of the care giving s her job and you will be going out yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She was going to spend new years with me and my son up until midnight and then go out. I had told her that new years eve is for couples and whoever you kiss and midnight is who you will be spending 2012 with. She said that just because she would be kissing me at midnight, that does'nt necessarily mean she would be with me the entire 2012.


Don't wait for New Year's Eve. If you don't man up RIGHT NOW you have already lost her. You won't need to worry about divorce, or finances or even the kids. Your wife and her lover will take care of all that for you and all you'll be left with is a one way ticket to crapville.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She is not afraid of your actions, she does not believe you will D and you will not expose her.

You need to let her know that it is your rules or everything is going blow up in her face.

She is not respecting you at all. You have to shake her up and shake her up hard.. If you are typing here you are not at the police station. Get the car keys and go now. Do not put it off.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mahike said:


> She is not afraid of your actions, she does not believe you will D and you will not expose her.
> 
> You need to let her know that it is your rules or everything is blow up in her face.
> 
> She is not respecting you at all. You have to shake her up and shake her up hard.. If you are typing here you are not at the police station. Get the car keys and go now. Do not put it off.


I think she actually plans on divorcing him herself in 2012. I bet no that exposure has happened, the the two of them are constructing lovely plans to dump him and move in together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Until you grow a set of balls whe will continue to screw her lover and reap the benefits of living in a shared income household with you.

Don't ask what to do. You already KNOW what to do.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Buy her a suitcase fir x-mass, tell her if she goes out for new years to pack her bags for good and not come back. Dude, go to the PD, tell your wife you are.....you said earlier you plan to man up, WTF.....you don't plan you just are, it not something you turn off and on, either you are a man or your not. And, from what you are texting your not, knock off the 'woe is me,' 'why us this happening to me' crap and do what you have to do to take control.....right now she is in charge, your crying on her shoes.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

Just made an appointment with a lawyer to find out what my legal options are. I'm gonna take some of this advice I've gotten and shock my wife, then I'll know what the answer is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> She was going to spend new years with me and my son up until midnight and then go out. I had told her that new years eve is for couples and whoever you kiss and midnight is who you will be spending 2012 with. She said that just because she would be kissing me at midnight, that does'nt necessarily mean she would be with me the entire 2012.



She has essentially told you she is planning on leaving you.

Don`t kiss her, don`t talk to her and stop making any demands of her.

Let her do whatever the hell she wants and file for divorce.

Call the lawyer today and get it moving.

You have no wife.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Have you exposed the OW to her employer?


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

exposing the woman cop to her boss will be on my radar


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shakem said:


> exposing the woman cop to her boss will be on my radar


I`d do it now man.

Do it now and don`t just "talk" to a lawyer, have her served divorce papers quickly.

These actions may shock her out of this affair though personally I wouldn`t care about her reaction as I`d file those papers as well as serve her.

You do know she`s planning to leave you right?

She straight up told you that.

She believes you have no balls because up until now you`ve not shown her any.
You`ve got to be a ruthless hardass from here on out regardless of the outcome.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Get all the info you need, see if you have the legal right to kick her out if you don't then get a lawyer that way you will have ajump start on her. She does not respect you nor care for your actions because she does not think you will do anything either way prepare for separation and see what you can do about custody.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Be prepared for the OW to turn it nasty. She came after a married woman, she's a cop, she clearly doesn't like men. So fully expect her to prod your wife to go nuke on you including false claims etc. be ready for police harassment too from her buddies on the force.

Do not let your guard down with your wife even if she seems to be playing nice.

Play hard ball here and play to win. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yeah, once you start playing hardball you need to carry a VAR and record ever discussion with your wife.

Cover your ass.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

the above 2 posters advice is spot on, i would also explain to your lawyer who the ow is, and put him on speed dial for when the crap starts. find out if in your state if you are allowed to record the confersations with the officer. and never go anywhere without that var.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> She has essentially told you she is planning on leaving you.
> 
> Don`t kiss her, don`t talk to her and stop making any demands of her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OMG. She had the nerve to say that to his face? The disrespect for him and the marriage is enormous. It kind of gives you an indication of what she thinks of him. If my fWW had said anything remotely like that to me, first she'd get the LOOK.










Followed by GTFO. And if she won't go, I'd make her life a living hell until she did. Nobody would say sh!t like that to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lordmayhem, how can the OP protect himself from the police woman targeting him for harassment?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> how can the OP protect himself from the police woman targeting him for harassment?


Like I said, file a complaint with their department and internal affairs. Believe it or not, police officers are one of the easiest to get into trouble, especially if its a city department. I don't know about those little podunk tiny departments though. No cop wants to be grilled by internal affairs. No citizen should ever be afraid to file a legitimate complaint. Don't be intimidated by the uniform, badge, and the gun. They take a moral misconduct/harassment charges VERY seriously. In my state, theres even a statute about that: Oppression under the color of office. I bet all states have a similar law. It prevents what you're talking about: cops abusing their authority.

Of course, like anything else, you need to present facts. Names, dates, places, evidence if possible. Remember that other poster who's WW was having an affair with that cop? He followed the advice here and filed a complaint with that that cop's internal affairs. Now that POS isnt a cop anymore.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm no longer an active officer, but still take police reports, etc, everything except drive a cruiser, take calls, and make arrests. Like I said, file a complaint with their department and internal affairs. Believe it or not, police officers are one of the easiest to get into trouble, especially if its a city department. I don't know about those little podunk tiny departments though. No cop wants to be grilled by internal affairs. No citizen should ever be afraid to file a legitimate complaint. Don't be intimidated by the uniform, badge, and the gun. They take a moral misconduct/harassment charges VERY seriously. In my state, theres even a statute about that: Oppression under the color of office. I bet all states have a similar law. It prevents what you're talking about: cops abusing their authority.
> 
> Of course, like anything else, you need to present facts. Names, dates, places, evidence if possible. Remember that other poster who's WW was having an affair with that cop? He followed the advice here and filed a complaint with that that cop's internal affairs. Now that POS isnt a cop anymore.


I'm not in law enforcement but I would assume that once a complaint is filed it would be more difficult for the officer in question to harass the Op. Am I correct here?

If his W and the OW planned to use her status to enforce their will I would think the OP lodging a complaint would seriously throw a monkey wrench into the works.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I'm not in law enforcement but I would assume that once a complaint is filed it would be more difficult for the officer in question to harass the Op. Am I correct here?
> 
> If his W and the OW planned to use her status to enforce their will I would think the OP lodging a complaint would seriously throw a monkey wrench into the works.


 I think you're right. Depending on the Police force. The IA dude would probably tell the OW that she has to stay away from WW until the investiagation is concluded. I'm assuming of course. LordMayhem would probably know more about it than I would.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

crossbar said:


> I think you're right. Depending on the Police force. The IA dude would probably tell the OW that she has to stay away from WW until the investiagation is concluded. I'm assuming of course. LordMayhem would probably know more about it than I would.


Keeping them apart might help the WW come out of the fog as well. Bonus points.

If the BS starts manning up (i.e. the 180) maybe he can salvage something of their relationship.


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## Shakem (Dec 19, 2011)

An update. Its been about a month since I first posted this and my wife and I are trying to work things out. She says she is not going to have intimate contact with this other woman and that it was a mistake. She is still playing softball with her and she went out of town to play softball this past weekend the the other woman, along with two other people, slept in the same room.

I have told her that I am very uncomfortable her her spending time with this woman. Today, I tried to call this woman cop at work, left her a message and said I want to know what your intentions are with my wife. Of course, she is a coward and calls my wife instead of me, My wife called me and said don't call this woman at work anymore,
it was kind of a threat. She said that there are no intentions from the other woman because there is nothing going on. I don't fully trust my wife and have told her I won't until there is no contact between the two. I am not sure what to do now


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dude unless your wife has cut this woman out of her life you can consider her still in the affair and working on your marriage is not what she`s doing.

What you do now is grow some balls.

You tell her she either quits her damn softball team and never contacts this woman again or you divorce her.
You`re being ****ed around and made a fool of


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shakem said:


> An update. Its been about a month since I first posted this and my wife and I are trying to work things out. She says she is not going to have intimate contact with this other woman and that it was a mistake. She is still playing softball with her and she went out of town to play softball this past weekend the the other woman, along with two other people, slept in the same room.
> 
> I have told her that I am very uncomfortable her her spending time with this woman. Today, I tried to call this woman cop at work, left her a message and said I want to know what your intentions are with my wife. Of course, she is a coward and calls my wife instead of me, My wife called me and said don't call this woman at work anymore,
> it was kind of a threat. She said that there are no intentions from the other woman because there is nothing going on. I don't fully trust my wife and have told her I won't until there is no contact between the two. I am not sure what to do now












You're sweeping this under the rug and not manning up. Have you not read any of the stories here?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hi, Shakem! In answer to your update, here's what you do now!

Stock up on antacid pills, so that when, every day, your guts start churning from stress, worry, and insecurity, you can reduce the pain and hopefully avoid getting an ulcer. Also, go ahead and schedule doctor's appointments every 6 months for the next couple of years or so, for STD testing. Since you appear unwilling to make some boundaries with your wife, I recommend reading the book

"Who Stole My Balls," by Eunice H. Wassman.

Ha! Just kidding, that's not a real book. Sorry.

If this doesn't sound like a great plan of action, you should, you know, make some boundaries, and if the wife won't abide by them, be prepared to let her go play cops and robbers while you divorce her. See, the funny thing about being married is that your spouse should treat you with respect, and not go mash their genitals against someone else. But if they do that anyway, and you let them, well, if you don't respect yourself, why should they?


BTW, Lordmayhem- I lol'ed hard at the doublefacepalm.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have her passwords? Is she texting OW, emailing, facebook,
phoning? Did you go and tell OW boss what was going on and you were afraid of police harrasment? 

When this all blows up in your face it will be because you did not man up. The other woman has all the balls in this three way.

Start reading here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Be more manly than the OW!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

File for divorce and have her served. She doesn't believe you have the balls to dump her and that is why she is still in contact with the OW. 

Only when she has been served will she finally realize that you will not tolerate the situation and will either end all contact with the OW and recommit to the hard work or marital rebuilding OR she will continue like nothing has happened. 

Either way you'll have a realistic answer and then it will be up to you to decide whether or not you want to live in a one side open marriage or not.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

and don't contact the ow again. she will file haressment charges against you...then you will look like a fool(if you ever get your nads back from your wife) and report her to her higher up.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are being unbelievably foolish. If your wife has been sexually screwing another man on her softball team would you say it was all right for her to remain playing on the team with him? Would you say it was all right for her to go to a tournament out of town with the OM with a couple of other people and all stay in the same hotel room? You are in such a fog it is pathetic. Your wife has shown she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You are doing everything wrong.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Dude unless your wife has cut this woman out of her life you can consider her still in the affair and working on your marriage is not what she`s doing.
> 
> What you do now is grow some balls.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:OMG I was going to type the same exact thing.

Letting her still go out of town with the OW just because of a team game is ridiculous (how do you know that the other 2 woman are not covering for their team mates or are also gay?). Letting her even stay on the same team as the OW is ridiculous. Once the line was crossed with the OW, you cannot go back to where it was before where you make believe it is OK to still see her.

Your wife needs to go full no contact with the OW or you divorce. It is time that she decide that you and your marraige come first. Before the OW and before the team. It is now or never bud. If she does not agree then your marraige was doomed anyway. Better to find out now. There are moments in time that demand action. Now is such a time.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Shakem, as harsh as these comments are you need to take them into account. You're *****footing around the situation and she's dictating to you the rules of reconciliation. You definitely need to man up, use the 180 and extract a hell of a more remorse from her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Although I don't agree with the tone of Bryanp's post - his point regarding OW vs OM is valid and you should take it to heart!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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