# No emotional intimacy



## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Hi all:
I need some help with my "lack of dealing with things"
Long story short, we've been married 14 years and overall, everything is "ok".
We don't fight, have 3 beautiful kids and financially pretty secure.
The thing is, I'm not in love with my H. We have conversations about the kids but that's about it.
I guess I always felt like something was missing but couldn't pinpoint it.
This past year, I just couldn't bring myself to continue having sex w/him. It left me feeling empty and used and I felt it was crushinv my soul.
Last year, we went to MC where the therapist pinpointed it right at the start.
He is seriously out of touch with his emotions.
He started to go to IC but stopped.
I know in my heart he is just the way he is. It's not his fault, but I don't see things changing.
I know if I could just continue having sex w/him, he'd be happy and my family stays intact but I can't bring myself to do it and I feel a tremendous amt of guilt for that.
What do I do? How do I get the energy to "try" again.
I don't even think of it as trying, nothing will change if he's not even trying either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Why should you feel guilt for continuing to remain in a situation that, by your own account, is crushing your soul?

You can't do all the trying. You can try and try and try your little heart out, but if you are the only one trying, then it's not likely to lead anywhere but to more anguish for you.

Can he hear you at all? Does he get it at all?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

What are the problems? Why did you fall out of love? If you never fight, your kids are great, you are financially stable, what is it about your husband that has changed over the years?

What exactly did the marriage counselor pinpoint that you or your husband never saw? Him not being in touch with his own emotions?

You are anonymous so I will try to ask you a question and see if you reply honestly. Did you meet someone else?

If that is not the case and you have already said you do not think your husband is going to change, then you already have your answer. It crushes your soul to have sex with your husband and he will never change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

miss smiley said:


> The thing is, I'm not in love with my H. We have conversations about the kids but that's about it.
> I guess I always felt like something was missing but couldn't pinpoint it.
> He is seriously out of touch with his emotions.


I'm married to a man like this, although we've been separated for 20 months. Our conversations revolved around grocery shopping, what to cook for dinner, what was on t.v. for the evening. Blah, blah, blah.

I thought my husband was "emotionally retarded" because he possessed emotions, but didn't seem to process them; in other words, he did not have a clue how to express, in a healthy manner, what he was feeling.

JMO, but I think when people seem to be really out of touch with their emotions, they are expending tremendous energy to shove everything way down. My husband originally did it by having non-stop house projects every weekend. We'd talk about politics or current events or other impersonal stuff during dinner, then watch t.v. Eventually, he drank. He was literally passed out drunk from Friday night until Monday morning. He woke up to drink more, then passed out again. But he avoided feeling big-time.

For the out-of-touch, I think it boils down to tremendous fear of emotions; of losing "control."

I got to the point that I couldn't stand to have him touch me. Living with someone who appeared to be going through the motions, having occasional sudden and inappropriate outbursts of temper, or getting the silent treatment. Well, the elephant was pooping in the middle of my living room and the rule of the house was to ignore that damned elephant.

I couldn't live in an emotional vacuum. I could not function merely as a sperm receptacle. In fact, I eventually discovered that my husband had a very sophisticated fantasy life via online porn and talking about fantasy locales to me while we were having sex ... I began to realize he wasn't making love to ME, he was making love to a body he fantasized to be "Misty" or "Dawn" or "Hotbabe."

Whatever. Sex life died, officially, in April 2007. 

I loved my husband. It died when the lightbulb went on that final night. I REALLY knew, on a gut level, that he was not making love to me. That was it. 

I could no longer afford to expose myself to someone who was indifferent to me as a human being. I bet you feel the same way. It just gets to the point that there is nothing left to love.

Sex is just sex. Ten minutes after the sweat dries on the sheets, your up flossing your teeth or putting a roast in the crock pot, and he's watching some sports channel ....

Time to pull the plug.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

When was the last time you two went out on a date? I mean something really fun... the kinds of dates you two had before you were married?

If you want to fall in love again, you two need to do what all folks do when they want to fall in love and regain emotional intimacy. You both have to want it, but if you do... date and have fun again. Bring back the fun and the friendship, the sex can come later.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> Last year, we went to MC where the therapist pinpointed it right at the start.
> He is seriously out of touch with his emotions.
> He started to go to IC but stopped.


Does your H accept what the MC told him? Did he give you a reason for stopping IC?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi miss smiley ~

When you say that "he's seriously out of touch with his emotions", what do you mean?

Are there specific, concrete actions that he could be taking or encouraged to take to try and meet the needs of yours that you feel he is neglecting? Does he know what those needs are?

Have you let him know how serious this is for you? If not, why not? If so, why is he unwilling to try and continue on with the IC?

Have you considered doing some IC for yourself so that you can figure out either how to live with someone like him, how to support someone like him, or how to get things straightened out in your own mind and life so that you can decide the best course of action to take going forward?

Best wishes.


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I'll try to answer any questions as I was very vague in my original post. It just seemed like I was writing a novel. I have kept a journal off and on as we dated and up to present and have always questioned my feelings for him. The thing that I struggled and am struggling with is that nothing seems wrong besidesvthis lack of connection. As my therapist said, he had met all the checklist pts but there was still something not quite right. I assumed we'd grow closer as our life continued together. I kept having sex w/him for so long because this is how men connect and intimacy grows from. The thing is-it never came and I continued to feel awful. I tried to communicate my feelings off and on many times over the years. He would say "no one stays in love, those are the ones that marry and divorce over and over looking for it" or "things will be better when the kids ard older, we're just tired" etc.
The turning pt for me was when I read his journal. I know-a betrayal of trust but if you only knew all the tracking, and spying he did on me. I felt justified. @Aristotle-no, I haven't met anyone. But this so called journal he was trying to keep to get in touch w/his feelings turned into just a sex journal of when we had sex, when i had my period, what positions we were in, etc. It was even documented that when I asked to just cuddle instead of having sex "just cuddle? no thx-I was outta there". So my feelings of bring approached just for sex was confirmed. He doesn't get it at all. He still tries now, thinking that if enough time goes by, I'll have to want him but he doesn't see that nothing has changed, so why would I want to? 
He never believed in IC. Thinks we're intelligent enough to think things thru. He only made an appt w/my IC when I told him I was going to see one for me. Then all my appts turned out to be jt ones and all about him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Sorry, got interrupted earlier. He stopped seeing his IC because he said " just seemed like we were talking". Duh! He's a very analytical person. The type that wants steps to do, a book to read or a plan of dome sort. Plus, he knew we used up my alloted sessions so I wasn't going to be going to talk to anyone about him. Thd IC did one major thing for me, she validated my feelings. Even though I always felt ungrateful for being unhappy in my seemingly perfect life, there was a valid reason. For that. I am grateful, but now- what to do about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Get out. Seuality is the soul of marriage. If you can't stand to have a sex life get out. But as you do, you really need to think about your marriage and your contribution to your problems. Men don't keep journals of their sex life if things are fine. Clearly they were not. Men also do not have a problem with meeting your cuddling need if their needs are being met in the bedroom. Finally, you relate that your problem was a lack of connection; but, failed to communcate what specifically was lacking and what actions you have taken to foster the intimate connection with your lover. Are you spending 15 hours a week of quality time focused on the two of you? Have you shared your intertests with him and participated in his "household projects"; shown an interest in him as a partner instead of a meal ticket and punching bag?

You seem to cherish the "validation" you received from your last couselor. Great. If you need permission to move on, I give it to you. I am confident your husband isn't as happy with the current situation as he could be with someone else. I think you need to look more carefully at yourself before entering your next relationship. I suspect you will see more of the same if you don't. It only takes one to change the dynamic of a marriage.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I've kept a journal of our sex lives, not because the sex is great but as proof for me that our sex life does indeed suck. I can keep my memory refreshed for the inevitable talk. But I also note any excuse she had to turn it down which fills up the journal. 

I don't know why you are so offended about it. I wouldn't call it spying. He was there. How much did you read? There could be clues there. Maybe his IC told him too to keep one?


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

The journal was suggested in books we read to help get your thoughts and feelings down. I guess I'm offended because it wasn't what I expected. I had mentioned before that he only paid attn/touched me when he wanted sex and it confirmed it. He also wrote about how great the sex was when I'm making myself do it regularly. How can there be such a difference in perception? I do love sex. That's what I'm struggling with. If I didn't, it would be so easy to live together as roommates. KanDo got it right- it is as if I need permission to leave. If staying together is what we both want, why can't I find the energy to try harder? I'm also so hurt by being accused of cheating whenever I bring up anything on this topic. I can't seem to let that go. I should definitely to an IC about that. He is a good person though, the classic "nice guy". A friend described him as a puppy who wants to be led. I'm not a natural leader though. I admit it- much easier to follow but someone has to lead. I asked that we concentrate on being friends again and spending time together without any pressure to have sex. I hope this helps but so far, our talks revolve around the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> He is a good person though, the classic "nice guy". A friend described him as a puppy who wants to be led. I'm not a natural leader though. I admit it- much easier to follow but someone has to lead.


Buy the book _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ today, stick it in his hand, and TELL him to read it. I was a Nice Guy, and that book changed my life.


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## SamOwenRelationshipCoach (May 30, 2012)

Dear Miss Smiley, I really feel for you but people do fall into this trap after being married for some time so it's not that uncommon. My book, Relationship Remedies: Relating Better to Yourself and Others, will give you much more information on how to deal with this situation but I'll try to give you something to work with straight away. 

Try writing down several questions that you can ask him about him, his childhood, his life, his experiences. There will be things you don't know about. When he answers, you can talk to him about similar experiences you've had. You will think of other questions to ask as a result. This should start you communicating about you two, not the kids and other day to day stuff.

When you do spend time together, make sure it's quality one on one time. Try going for a walk around the neighbourhood or local park and use the questions (mentioned above) that you have come up with.

Not everyone is good at communicating so think of ways you can help him communicate about more than just day to day stuff. Think outside the box.

Try to think of things you used to do together and things you used to discuss when you first got together. What worked then? What brought you closer then? What made you more passionate for one another then?

How we respond to peoples' bad habits affects how the relationship progresses. By learning how to respond to good habits and bad habits in a way that reinforces good habits and does not reinforce bad habits, you can train people into behaving on a way that you desire and are willing to accept. 

Think outside the box for ways to give him a wake-up call to let him know things HAVE to change.

Sorry this is so brief, the book explains things more clearly and gives you really useful exercises to implement, even if you are the only one willing to read it and willing to do the exercises.

My signature does not seem to be working (and I have emailed the moderators about it already) so for now I will include a link to my website here and hope this isn't seen as going against the rules: Sam Owen | Relationship Coach, Psychologist, Author and Speaker


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Just another reading option for you:

Amazon.com: I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship (9780757305481): Andrew G. Marshall: Books


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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

miss smiley said:


> Hi all:
> I need some help with my "lack of dealing with things"
> Long story short, we've been married 14 years and overall, everything is "ok".
> We don't fight, have 3 beautiful kids and financially pretty secure.
> ...


Were you EVER in love with him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It sounds like he is a typical man. Trying to force him to 'emotionally connect' is not something a male will be able to figure out what that means or how to do it. As was pointed out by enchantment, you have to give him something concrete.... A good way to emotionally connect is to force yourselves to spend time together doing things such as talking, walking, recreational activities, playing cards... avoiding watching television or having others / kids around...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I did a thread on vulnerability, please take a moment and watch the video link in the 1st line of this thread.... I also give a breakdown of what was spoken...it is a very powerful message for so many to learn....getting a handle on this and being daring enough to give THIS to each other could save many failing relationships /marraiges where someone is in FEAR to show their true selves... only this allows for genuine "connection ~ intimacy". You can't force it -but understanding it's value, this could be a seed to plant in your husband...if you can get him to listen- open mindedly. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hicks I don't think he is a typical man. Read some of the posts by men who are hurting or have troubled marriages. The expression of love and emotional pain is obviosly strong and sincere. Men do have deep emotions but it is socially unacceptable for them to express it. Their wives are often their only friend and when the relationship is troubled, they have no one to talk to. A forum like this affords them a safe venue to express things they cannot face to face. Read them, I think it will change your mind. 

Is it possible that he has a mild form of Aspergers syndrome? Does he focus on things instead of people? Talk about machanical or does he have a mechanistic approch to situations. Is he socially awkward and have problems picking up social cues. Does he have any friends? 

Try Googling the syndrome and see if he fits. Maybe understanding him will help. People with Asbergers need social coaching. They have to learn social skills. He may look to you to teach him. There are some high functioning people who have written about what it is like. They do feel, they form attachments but those feelings are not always outwardly apparent. 

Bill Gates is reported to be a high functioning one, Albert Eisenstein and many other people with singular talent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback. I really need to look into the No More Mr. Nice Guy book because it's bn mentioned lots on this forum. I remember when we were dating and thinking to myself, "I want a nice guy, why do they finish last? They just need to find a nice girl." but I may not be so nice after all, which makes me sad.
Did I ever love him? Now that is the ?. Looking back at my journals, I'm exactly where I am now. He's a wonderful man. We both do what we're expected to do, hence not much fighting. There really isn't a "good" reason to not be in love w/him, so what's wrong w/me? I think I played it safe and rational. There is no reason, the love feelings fade for everyone and I thought we'd get closer over time but it hasn't happened. It seems like I can't allow myself to be vulnerable yowards him either because I'm always the pt person, the disciplinarian, the planner, the decision-maker. It's exhausting  and I'm afraid I'm losing my patience and respect for him. But maybe this is a MLC or something. My counselor didn't seem to think so. For now, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that I don't love him the way a wife should. I allow myself to not have sex because I started to resent him for it. The thing is, if I continue to feel and do this,, he'll want out too so what am I doing?! I'm messed up either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

@Catherine- I'll def look into Aspergers too. One of his parents has a mental issue and communication isn't too big on his side but I don't think it's Asperger. He isn't very close w/anyone though and is slightly awkward socially in that he kind of plans an agenda type list in his head about what to talk about at times. It's definitely worth fibding out more info though so thank you for the suggestion. I hadn't thought of that one before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## midlifecry (Feb 19, 2013)

Hi Miss Smiley,
I am going thru similar problem. Is there a way we can get in touch through email? Do let me know. Thanks!


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## mdill (Jan 18, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> The journal was suggested in books we read to help get your thoughts and feelings down. I guess I'm offended because it wasn't what I expected. I had mentioned before that he only paid attn/touched me when he wanted sex and it confirmed it. He also wrote about how great the sex was when I'm making myself do it regularly. How can there be such a difference in perception? I do love sex. That's what I'm struggling with. If I didn't, it would be so easy to live together as roommates. KanDo got it right- it is as if I need permission to leave. If staying together is what we both want, why can't I find the energy to try harder? I'm also so hurt by being accused of cheating whenever I bring up anything on this topic. I can't seem to let that go. I should definitely to an IC about that. He is a good person though, the classic "nice guy". A friend described him as a puppy who wants to be led. I'm not a natural leader though. I admit it- much easier to follow but someone has to lead. I asked that we concentrate on being friends again and spending time together without any pressure to have sex. I hope this helps but so far, our talks revolve around the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Miss Smiley, your marriage is clearly in trouble. Please make sure he know how unhappy you are and tell him what you want. My first wife never made an effort to tell me she was unhappy. We never fought about anything, which I realized after the fact was a big problem. Then one day she insisted on a divorce. Not interested in talking, no explanation, no interest in counseling. Just wanted to move on. It worked out for me, I assume her, but it cost our kids there sense of "family". So there is a lot at stake, when kids are involved. Men are horrible at reading how there wives feel. We need frank and direct feedback. Men tend to be brutally honest and used to others being brutally honest. Woman, not so much, as they are more sensitive as to how others might feel. If you are direct and frank about how unhappy you are and he doesn't respond, you have no choice but to move on. But at least you have done everything you can. Best of luck.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> Hi all:
> I need some help with my "lack of dealing with things"
> Long story short, we've been married 14 years and overall, everything is "ok".
> We don't fight, have 3 beautiful kids and financially pretty secure.
> ...


Do the "THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES" program. You can get it on ebay for under ten bucks. It really helped us. It is all about getting your emotional needs met. It will help both of you....Imagine getting fixed for 10 bucks.....But you MUST do it TOGETHER....


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Thank you mdill & woodchuck. I have told him how I feel. I know he's frustrated and waiting for me to snap out of it or find a solution. The problem is- I don't know what to do either. I keep thinking, I can only change myself and I don't know if I can truly be happy not feeling open and connected with the one person I'm suppose to be able to share everything with. I don't want to break up my family though, so I better learn. Time goes by and I still feel a void but my kids seem happy. I fill my need for emotionsl closeness with friends & family. I feel horrible for making my husband sad as he knows I'm not completely happy too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

ps- I will look into the Five Love Languages and try to get H to do with me w/o causing us both too much anxiety over it. He tends to get stressed and openly admits his bad days are due to worrying about us. I know there's alot of built up resentment towards me but what do I do? I can't force myself to feel something I don't. Hope we both have the energy to try again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Miss Smiley,

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that you are as much a problem as he is. You have been very clear that you never quite felt that strongly about him. Are you using him? How can you possibly think that because you married and had kids and sex with him that you will eventually grow to feel more strongly about him??

It sounds like you have little communication and then defer to counselling as you see fit, without taking his feelings into consideration. I used to avoid MC too, mostly because I felt it was being shoved down my throat like a prison sentence when just talking openly could have achieved more.

I did do some MC with the wife, and in the end, they wasted a lot of our time. She got me to open up simply by opening up to me, both sexually and emotionally. She had to make the effort to show me she was invested, more than just deferring to a counselor .. 

I know my post seems to be pointing the finger at you, and I'm not absolving him of his role in this, but since he's not here, I can only respond to what I see that has to do with you. I'm also going by what is still a very vague description of the issues.

As far as his journal goes.. you did betray him by reading it. If he was spying on you, then I'd have to say.. from what I've read here, I would honestly believe you might be cheating and can see why he would have that reaction.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> Hi all:
> I need some help with my "lack of dealing with things"
> Long story short, we've been married 14 years and overall, everything is "ok".
> We don't fight, have 3 beautiful kids and financially pretty secure.
> ...


It is not just his problem. Your situation is all too common. Please get the book "The 5 love languages" It will teach you how to get in touch with your, and his emotional needs. We all have them....

The book has been out for 20 years, is on the NYT best seller list. It has sold more coppies each successive year, and isn't even being advertised...It just works. 

I got my copy on ebay for less than 10 bucks, and if I had known the changes it has made in the way I feel about my wife I would have paid $1000....

Whats the catch? You both have to read it. Good luck....


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

I don't mind the finger pointing at me. I've thought it for so long, here I have a wonderful life but still feel something's missing? Maybe I did use him, but he used me in return then. I tried to communicate that I thought something was missing and convinced myself to grow up, the "in love" feelings can't stay. I think I was so relieved to hear a professional say "hey, there is a reason you feel this way and not because you're a spoiled brat."
It's both our problem, and there's many. We're both rational and calm adults. We'll make it through somehow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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