# to those with a heart and feel like hope is fading its a long long post but read it!



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Now my story is on here and so is a lot of others, but some of us here may be different and probably the men here who have made a change and want nothing more then to be with there loved one or loved ones will want to read this all and even the women too for it can be both sides but i tend to believe men are ussually the ones at fault or tend to run instead..

The one thing today i have come to realize is some of us do change for some it comes slow for others it comes fast ussually like in my situation cause of tragic events or a event, but the fact of the matter is you got to ask yourself a couple questions when doing this and one is more important then anything else. and i will get to that later..

Now for us that no that change has happened and we have made that choice and no both in heart and mind its for life and good for ourselves and most importantly our loved ones. But depending on the situation could mean more or less work for us to reconnect if at all with them loved ones, and each person is different..

so it may take more or less depending on our loved ones. Meaning that some may feel more hurt then another by the same mistake or have more trouble letting go and truely forgiving us. For me looking back i understand i probably have a long road if i have any hope. I let a online game become center in my life was kicked out once over a year ago for it, was let back in after only a week or so. I didnt take the time to do any true reflecting or make any real choices on what to change..
In short what im saying is yea i asked for that chance back in but out of fear of losing her without actually making a change or reflecting on what i was doing wrong.. 

I cut back on the game tried to think that was enough for her, and it was for a while. Then it took me back over and i didnt even notice, during that time i pushed my friends and family away but in doing so looking back now i pushed my wife even further away and now understand she felt alone, neglected, hurt and worse thing is the game mad me tempermental meaning i could have yelled at her for trying to talk to me when the game was on and in doing so i shut her out, shut her down and most likely made her feel like she couldnt approach me.. Now im not saying she couldnt have just unplugged the game and said hey listen hear , cause that might have worked or something like that, but i am saying is i caused the comunication breakdown on a real good marriage cause of selfish endulgences.. 

Now looking back i no how the pain must have felt she lost her companion her trust in me , her best friend , and felt like she was only there for when i wanted her , now that is cause for a lot of hurt for anyone in a relationship where they love someone. And now i no i have a lot to prove and a lot to make up for, but worse thing is i no i caused the pain and that hurts to even no. Also by doing these things i forgot simple things like making her feel special , forgot how to keep that spark of love going with simple things like sending her flowers at work , or making her a dinner she loves instead of cooking or anything that dont really seem to matter much but really mean the world to them..

Now i have come to realize that these changes in me are real and for life, i will not go back to being lost to needless things in life, but one thing stands here now exspecially in mine where she shows signs of thinking but doesnt want to give a inch or try either. I may have hurt her so deeply she may not ever be able to forgive , she may see the changes she may like them but can she trust them ? time will tell.. can she accept them and try ? time will tell , can she forgive or is the pain i have caused to much?? time will tell.. So we sit here today and all others in my situation or similiar situations she no this too , that the realization here is we may have made that change and for the better and the right reasons, and im sure the loved ones are the biggest reasons in it but the truth is our loved ones have been hurt and may not be able to get over the pains we have caused.. Now that dont mean to give up either, i no i will not and that shows my depth of love and loyalty to her and my kids..

But it does mean we have a long road ahead and a lot of pain ourselves. Truth is we are the ones that pushed them to this point by lack of comunication and even arguements help a relationship with out them sometimes you dont have no conflict without some conflict there is no open talks from the heart, to much or being to overbearing is not a good thing either though. Sometimes we got to lose to win as well. Dont matter what we have pushed them to do , could be affairs, lack of trust , lack of showing our love, or lack of just helping them with daily things.. Now i said it could be a long road and the biggest thing in your way will be on reconnecting with them in a open manner and with enjoyment .

I seen a statement on someones name in here that really hits this point well, it goes " never seen anyone trying to kill each other when there laughing" and its true if you and the other are laughing you are having a good time. And that is a big step in the right direction. So first find a way to do things for them to let them no there special without saying it , and also even if your hurting inside you got to figure out a way to get the other to feel happy about being around and enjoy there time with you. Now that sounds easy but we no its not when your hurting but its the biggest step we can take and have to find a way to take. It could be a long road for us in these situations..

Now these are questions you must ask yourself before taking this road.. 1 Can you do the work needed ?? 2 can you deal with the pain of seeing yourself in truth of what you were and changing? 3 Are you ready for it if you find its still not enough in the end ?? 4 do you feel you deserve that chance cause if not think of the pain you could cause her again ?? 5 and most importantly do you find it in your heart that your other half is truely worth it to you ?? 

For myself i no i will not give in or give up hope but yes i no now that it still may not be enough and can only pray she can find the strength to trust me once more and forgive one last time.. also for everyone out there since this day and age has forgotten what marriage vows are and value marriage so little now in these days here are a few things that come to my mind and attention..

Most marriages now end in divorce without the couples even trying to fix it.. Thing is its easy to run from problems. And worse is most dont realize that nothing was solved from running and the 2nd and 3rd marriages are less likely to make it as well. the stats on it are just WOW. Now those who do not run and actually try and stay committed to this path ussually end up being happier in the end and love grows stronger then it ever was before.. And some simple truth here now to something a lot of people over look , when we married someone we married them for life cause we love them and want to spend our lifes with them at that time , problem is most dont think it takes work on both sides to do that and we lose that connection between us the spark we all talk about.. And we really over look this point as well with the vows, and i will go through it here and now with you . Now this is just what i believe and believe is true in all forms..

To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death do us part....... Now read them a few times and think about this , those are very simple directions on keeping a marriage and family together , simple directions on how to build love and keep love , how it takes work to get through tough times instead of running and how to rekindle love and let it grow stronger with time. except in cases these are more then just important words to remember , and sadly most people run instead from these vows we make to one another. 

When staying true to these vows can make the biggest difference in your marriage and family life in the long road , not in every case but most, but it takes in them rough times change and comittement on both sides to fight through it and most importantly support for each other. Now in some cases we find only one doing the work like in my case id say is extreme but there is always hope as long as your willing to change and make them comittements needed..
But those are words i live by and in some cases failed like for instance i did not show how i cherished my wife at that time , so they can be broken but then you need to remember to go to one of the others like for instance "for better or worse" in short i no today i may not get my loved one back but i will not give up out of love and understanding and true caring. My love is for her and my children and i no they are worth what ever it takes. 

Now if i could just get the right words out to her and find a way to connect id be ok today , but im not and all advise is welcome on that , and im here on this forum today for strength and support from others and there views and advise and even giving advise and views cause i no its a good place to be right now. I can hope i see some responses from this post and hope this explains who i am and i pray it helps others and gives them strength as well when you feel hopeless in your struggle, but if your truely comitted to get your loved ones back you need to make that change need to make them comittements and never give up on the ones you love cause giving up only shows you truely dont care enough.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

not even sure why i posted this right now maybe i should have not posted this but its how i feel and felt compelled to do so...


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Little tough to read through all that, ben, but I think I got the jist of it.

In my situation, she was the one that ran. We went to counseling, but it didn't take.

I really tried to make the necessary changes. I had to recognize my faults and what was making her unhappy and subsequently, cheating with two men. But she was too enthralled with the prospect of being lusted after by other men, and she wanted to explore a sense of freedom she felt she was missing out on.

On my end, I couldn't see how she could feel somehow restrained. She went out every weekend, leaving me and our daughter home. She visited with friends and family often and anytime she wished. I never called to check up on her. I never questioned where she had gone. In that aspect, I thought I was being a great husband.

Anyway, everything eventually came to a head and we separated. We tried recently to rekindle our marriage, but the prospect of us getting close like that again, and taking away her "freedom to explore other options" scared her and she dropped me, wanting no contact from me except to discuss our daughter. Well, that's my take. Her excuse was, she needed time to get herself together and figure out what she really wanted, and she felt that I was "smothering" her. Two weeks later, we were finished.

So, I know what you're saying. A marriage is serious business and it's up to both parties to make it work. Unfortunately, the easiest option is always to run. I wanted it to work. I stayed in the marriage, even when I knew she was cheating. 
I completed counseling, apologized, forgave and begged forgiveness, made the changes and continued to put in the work. 

It wasn't enough. It was only after her incessant lying and increasingly hateful outbursts toward me that I finally left. But even after all that, I still loved her and wanted her back.

Sometimes, people's convictions and moral integrity are just not strong enough to live up to the promises they make to themselves or their partners. Its the worst display of selfishness, especially when a child is involved. 

But that's life. It's up to the other person to be strong and know that if the other person was not willing to take the steps necessary on their end to save the marriage and keep the family unit strong, they probably were not a good match to begin with. 

Unfortunately, you're left with the broken heart and the broken family.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Ben - Sounds like you've made some mistakes and gained some perspective. Hopefully for you - for this relationship - your lessons weren't learned too late.

And - if you can't reconcile things - then you'll be better prepared for your next chance.

Good luck!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I hope it all works for you now you have a better understanding of you and her feelings, that is a great step forward.....it's never too late and if you will to work on the things that need to be done and you listen to her needs....that is respect within a marriage


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