# Give me honest opinions



## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

I haven’t posted anything in here for a long time i was locked out because i forgot email i used and user name

But I’m back with another question. So before i got locked out my account i would ask a couple things and people would be very judgmental and disrespectful. I’m asking please if you have something negative to say please don’t because this is a very sensitive situation for me.

So me and my wife decided to have a open relationship. At first it was a one way street where she can have sex buddy and i couldn’t and i was ok with that because i had no desire to be with a female. This why my idea i asked her actually . I asked her can i see her with another man . Now it’s just like my foot fetish . No exaggeration it’s like a switch just flip. One day in middle school i didn’t have a foot fetish. The next day i seen feet and i haven’t been same since. Same thing with me wanting to see her with other men . I can’t explain it. But anyway after awhile of me asking her she agreed and found a guy. So we set boundaries and one of them is she records when she has sex and send to me when she’s done. And i asked her not to tell the guy that i watch she agreed . But he’s not stupid doing the couple videos she’s made for me he takes shots at me like i hope he don’t be mad about this and she got really mad and stopped but anyway he knows i watch but he just sends subliminal shots at me and she told him that he needs to stop or the sex has to end 


So I’ll admit it took her away to find somebody she felt comfortable doing this with maybe 6 months after i asked but she did it. No here is the problem .. because of him acting weird while recorded i honestly don’t like him and he knows who am i am not personally but I’m a music artist in my area and I’m pretty popular so he knows . So even before me my wife never liked casual sex wasn’t here think and i don’t want her just ****ing the world BUT

When i watch them have sex it REALLY turns me on . And i masturbate to the videos often .. but soon as i cum.. and my mind is clear i ask my self what is wrong with me how as a man and i ok with another man having sex with my wife but u know when I’m horny i REALLY REALLY enjoy it. So it’s like how do i find that balance . With enjoying it but after i cum feel bad and it don’t help that i don’t like him. But if I’m honest with myself i don’t want her to stop but i hate how i feel after i cum i feel ashamed so how do u think i should handle this in future 

Side note .. to some this will seem creepy and weird but this didn’t something i wanted to happen I’m kinda embarrassEd but i can’t help my sexual fantasy


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Indeed it's a strong fantasy, maybe more of a fetish that you will have to learn how to manage.

The feeling bad after you cum is pretty common.

How does your wife feel about this guy?
Is she happy to be doing this, or does some reluctance on her part add to your negative feelings afterwards?

How do you feel towards your wife when this fetish isn't on your mind?
Assuming there are times when it isn't consuming your thoughts.

If it was a different guy, that you genuinely liked, and your wife was genuinely enjoying the lifestyle, do you think you would still get down after cuming?

Have you not visited a site more in keeping with this lifestyle and asked this question there? I'm sure they would have more understanding as not many people here live your lifestyle or have this fantasy.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

EveningThoughts said:


> Indeed it's a strong fantasy, maybe more of a fetish that you will have to learn how to manage.
> 
> The feeling bad after you cum is pretty common.
> 
> ...



Thank you for taking time out your day to a
Answer. Well my wife finds him really attractive she told me that and she says she enjoys the sex. And as i stated b4 she’s not a fan of casual sex so it would take her some time to find somebody else but i really wish it was a different guy . I’d still prolly get down when i cum MAYBE. But i can say i would enjoy this a lot more if it was different guy . When I’m not thinking about it i feel normal bout my wife never different. I’m just trying to manage the feelings after i cum. 

But when i cum to porn like just regular porn i always feel kinda disgusted after . Like why did i just masturbate what’s my problem


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

James01 said:


> but i hate how i feel after i cum i feel ashamed so how do u think i should handle this in future
> 
> Side note .. to some this will seem creepy and weird but this didn’t something i wanted to happen I’m kinda embarrassEd but i can’t help my sexual fantasy


Well dude it isn't a fantasy anymore, it's real and because you lower your wife to your standards. Is why you hate it. And your right it is creepy and weird. And you don't have the right to let others speak freely why it is their fantasy, to help others with their truth and being direct.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can't dictate that people don't post negative responses to you. And here's one. I hope the man was informed that he was being recorded and that it wasn't a covert recording.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its easy to over-complicate things. 

Any sexual activity that has fully informed consent from everyone involved is fine. If it doesn't its not. If your wife and her sex partner are happy having sex, and you are happy watching them, and they know that they are being watched, its all good. It doesn't matter in the slightest what percentage of *other* people would enjoy those activities.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I would recommend you go to a sex therapist to discuss these issues. It seems you have a strong connection to fetish behavior and have some guilt around that. Speaking with a professional will help you work through those issues to be healthier and happier. Having these fetishes isn't necessarily harmful, but the guilt you have can cause problems. You need to work though this so you don't have these negative feelings.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you are both unhealthy to an extent and could benefit from therapy. Never have children with this lifestyle.

On another note, this guy needs to go because he is an ******* and disrespects you.

Your wife should never be even associated with him anymore.

If you want to continue, it should be someone that is fully informed and consents to being recorded.

Do you have enough money for an escort?

You could interview them to find one you are both comfortable with.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You can't dictate that people don't post negative responses to you. And here's one. I hope the man was informed that he was being recorded and that it wasn't a covert recording.



Yes she wasn’t recording . We had boundaries set that if we did this it could recorded . So she asked him was it ok. And he agreed


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I think its easy to over-complicate things.
> 
> Any sexual activity that has fully informed consent from everyone involved is fine. If it doesn't its not. If your wife and her sex partner are happy having sex, and you are happy watching them, and they know that they are being watched, its all good. It doesn't matter in the slightest what percentage of *other* people would enjoy those activities.


Thank you this really helped


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I think you are both unhealthy to an extent and could benefit from therapy. Never have children with this lifestyle.
> 
> On another note, this guy needs to go because he is an ******* and disrespects you.
> 
> ...



Yea facts he has to go. It’s just very uncomfortable for her to have casual sex and i don’t want to put her thru that again but i can honestly say like if i don’t ask her to have sex with him she won’t. She only hits him up when i ask so yea I’ll find escort


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Honest opinion? Whether you or your wife believe you should get a counseling check-up or not, you should. You're making choices that will have lasting ramifications throughout the rest of your life. A good MC might help you identify future issues you need to be prepared for, and think about now. It really doesn't matter what TAM thinks of your open marriage. What matters is what the two of you will think 5 years, 10, 30 years from now. From a practical standpoint, is this sustainable? Do people drop out of this lifestyle and stay married? What is it that keeps you married? And is your wife truly comfortable with this, or does she at all feel like it's something she was pushed into? 

There are reasons why the fantasy world is just that for the vast majority of people. A fantasy. Very few can live that world as their reality, and remain intact.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> Honest opinion? Whether you or your wife believe you should get a counseling check-up or not, you should. You're making choices that will have lasting ramifications throughout the rest of your life. A good MC might help you identify future issues you need to be prepared for, and think about now. It really doesn't matter what TAM thinks of your open marriage. What matters is what the two of you will think 5 years, 10, 30 years from now. From a practical standpoint, is this sustainable? Do people drop out of this lifestyle and stay married? What is it that keeps you married? And is your wife truly comfortable with this, or does she at all feel like it's something she was pushed into?
> 
> There are reasons why the fantasy world is just that for the vast majority of people. A fantasy. Very few can live that world as their reality, and remain intact.


Great insight!!!!! Well I’m 30 I’ll be 31 in March i can’t see myself doing this around 35 but she’s told me when she’s felt pressured and I’ve back off but yes i want to seek a therapist about this issue


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

James01 said:


> Great insight!!!!! Well I’m 30 I’ll be 31 in March i can’t see myself doing this around 35 but she’s told me when she’s felt pressured and I’ve back off but yes i want to seek a therapist about this issue


So here's an interesting thing to ponder. It scares the crap out of me that I have "great insight" into this topic. It's as far from my relationship with my wife as you could possibly get.  

So here's another question. If you told her, today, that you were no longer comfortable with this arrangement, would she be willing to stop, cold turkey, and regard it as something she'd not be tempted to do again without explicit permission?


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> James01 said:
> 
> 
> > Great insight!!!!! Well I’m 30 I’ll be 31 in March i can’t see myself doing this around 35 but she’s told me when she’s felt pressured and I’ve back off but yes i want to seek a therapist about this issue
> ...


We had a talk about it and she was honest. She said it she does like it and even if she didn’t want to stop she would because our marriage comes first. I honestly don’t believe she would go behind my back and do it. Because when now she NEVER ask can they have sex if i don’t say anything about it. It don’t get bought up


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I find it ironic that your title says “give me honest opinions” yet you want to censor people’s responses to only positive feedback.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

James01 said:


> We had a talk about it and she was honest. She said it she does like it and even if she didn’t want to stop she would because our marriage comes first. I honestly don’t believe she would go behind my back and do it. Because when now she NEVER ask can they have sex if i don’t say anything about it. It don’t get bought up


A while back you had a thread where you believed you'd ruined your marriage, by inviting others into the bedroom. Today you're asking TAM for opinions on something that should really be a conversation between you and your wife. What people here think doesn't really matter. Your wife was put into this position reluctantly at first, but has apparently come around to enjoying it. Do the math. Follow the curve. Where does it lead? Further and further away from you. Which means further and further away from any normal definition of marriage. 

If you're not strong enough to escape this train, with her, today... I don't think you ever will. I think it only a matter of time before she's gone and you're here wondering if you made a mistake. 

But the #1 thing to consider here is your wife's soul. I'm not talking from a religious perspective. I'm talking about how she has a set of core values, a belief system that has likely not changed. Does that belief system allow for what's going on now? Or is she being destroyed bit-by-bit-by-bit seeking thrills instead of intimacy?

If you weren't around, either something happened to you or you left her, will she feel grounded enough to get by or will she be feeling lost and confused?

I think it's time to completely take your own needs out of the equation and think only about what's best for your wife. Get the counseling, but put her needs first. And if her needs mean she'll be better off without the conflict of the multiple-partner voyeuristic scenario she's presently in, then end it, here and now. If you feel that she's truly happier the way she is, that doesn't matter. Does she feel happier the way she is. Someone other than you needs to ask her that question.

I wish you both the best future possible. You're going to need some help getting there. Just keep in mind that TAM is not going to provide either the answers or the therapy you need.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> James01 said:
> 
> 
> > We had a talk about it and she was honest. She said it she does like it and even if she didn’t want to stop she would because our marriage comes first. I honestly don’t believe she would go behind my back and do it. Because when now she NEVER ask can they have sex if i don’t say anything about it. It don’t get bought up
> ...


Thank u


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> I find it ironic that your title says “give me honest opinions” yet you want to censor people’s responses to only positive feedback.


I think you can be honest with out judging somebody


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I find it ironic that your title says “give me honest opinions” yet you want to censor people’s responses to only positive feedback.


Don't think my responses were "positive" but @James01 didn't "filter" them. It's a thin line to walk though, when you see some real issues, where someone needs to see that something they're doing might really be wrong, but you don't want to lose the message because the tone was too harsh.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I find it ironic that your title says “give me honest opinions” yet you want to censor people’s responses to only positive feedback.
> ...


Sometimes the harshest comments are also the most honest. But, respecting the OP’s wishes of no negative comments regarding an astoundingly negative situation, I won’t provide any feedback.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Casual Observer said:
> 
> 
> > RebuildingMe said:
> ...


Thank u


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

James01 said:


> Thank u


It's safe to say we would like to know how things work out. I think you're at a crossroads right now and have some choices to make. As I said or implied before, I think the most important thing is to make sure your wife's voice is heard. At this point she may have trouble finding that voice, so be on the lookout for acquiescence. I don't think you'd be here if you didn't have real concern for her well-being.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

James, I think some of us could give a better opinion if we reviewed the video.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

James01 said:


> I think you can be honest with out judging somebody


There is nothing wrong with judging, everyone does it every day or else we would live in no holds barred world. Because someone has a different view and speaks their mind. Sorry your mistaken.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

James01 said:


> Side note .. to some this will seem creepy and weird but this didn’t something i wanted to happen I’m kinda embarrassEd but i can’t help my sexual fantasy


You get off on hot-wifing. It's not as unique as you think it is.

But your marriage sounds awful and i was shocked to learn you're only 30 years old and life has already beaten you down. It's just so obvious in every word you write.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> James, I think some of us could give a better opinion if we reviewed the video.


That's a hard pass from me. :rofl:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I do think you should stop using your wife for your fantasy and get serious help to repair the damage I do believe was done to your relationship.

She apparently is only doing this for you and doesn't ever initiate it without your prodding.

You must realize that this isn't healthy or helping your relationship?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s not uncommon too feel disturbed and gross and shame after you orgasm when it’s to something that is “taboo” or fetishy. 

My question is... what is your goal? And is that achievable? 

For me, I can’t change the way I feel. I have my own secret fetish that I masterbate to and I feel terrible when I’m finished. I’m aware of it and I try not to do it frequently, or involve it in my real life. Sometimes the more you Indulge in your fantasies the more the fantasies have to become more and more extreme to get you off. Knowing this, I try not to do it frequently or think about it frequently. It’s a slippery slope.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> It’s not uncommon too feel disturbed and gross and shame after you orgasm when it’s to something that is “taboo” or fetishy.
> 
> My question is... what is your goal? And is that achievable?
> 
> For me, I can’t change the way I feel. I have my own secret fetish that I masterbate to and I feel terrible when I’m finished. I’m aware of it and I try not to do it frequently, or involve it in my real life. Sometimes the more you Indulge in your fantasies the more the fantasies have to become more and more extreme to get you off. Knowing this, I try not to do it frequently or think about it frequently. It’s a slippery slope.


But your masturbation fantasies don't involve bringing someone else, someone real, into the mix. They are yours and yours alone. You haven't brought your husband into anything questionable because of it. That's different, very different, than the situation presented in this thread.


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> James, I think some of us could give a better opinion if we reviewed the video.


Ok where do i send it


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> It’s not uncommon too feel disturbed and gross and shame after you orgasm when it’s to something that is “taboo” or fetishy.
> 
> My question is... what is your goal? And is that achievable?
> 
> For me, I can’t change the way I feel. I have my own secret fetish that I masterbate to and I feel terrible when I’m finished. I’m aware of it and I try not to do it frequently, or involve it in my real life. Sometimes the more you Indulge in your fantasies the more the fantasies have to become more and more extreme to get you off. Knowing this, I try not to do it frequently or think about it frequently. It’s a slippery slope.



I really don’t know what my goal is to be honest.. maybe therapy will help


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

James01 said:


> I really don’t know what my goal is to be honest.. maybe therapy will help


At this point, "answers" are probably less important than trying to find the right questions to ask. Therapy may help with that. There really can't be much of a downside to therapy.

Maybe you can start here. What questions about your relationship do you think your wife has? What questions do you have?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You've mentioned that you are a well-known musician in the area, and that this guy is a douche. Get your head out of the fantasy, and realize what this could really do to your life and that of your wife.
What if, after she tells him no more sex, he starts blabbing it all over about how you like to watch the vids of them having sex? What do you think that would do to your reputation? Your wife's reputation? What if your family found out, your friends, etc.? These are REAL-WORLD repercussions. This isn't just a fantasy, or a porn movie you are watching.

What does your WIFE say to those risks?


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## James01 (Feb 2, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You've mentioned that you are a well-known musician in the area, and that this guy is a douche. Get your head out of the fantasy, and realize what this could really do to your life and that of your wife.
> What if, after she tells him no more sex, he starts blabbing it all over about how you like to watch the vids of them having sex? What do you think that would do to your reputation? Your wife's reputation? What if your family found out, your friends, etc.? These are REAL-WORLD repercussions. This isn't just a fantasy, or a porn movie you are watching.
> 
> What does your WIFE say to those risks?


I would be devastated


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I think when you come to a mostly monogamous site for advice about sex, you're going to get some opinionated judgement like you've gotten. Two sides to that - one is that monogamous people do have some good points about why they have chosen monogamy (safer sex, more societally accepted) but the other side is that there's a fear-factor coming from the monogamous opinion "you need therapy for your sexual 'hang up'" "you will be shamed by society if they find out" and many other opinions.

It's kinda like the old saying "It's only kinky if somebody else does it, if I do it, it's okay" lol

I, too, have a fantasy about watching my husband have sex with another woman or women. I'm pretty sure that if he actually did it, that would totally change things. In fantasy, though, it really ramps me up. So, I think I get what you are feeling - at least on some level. I don't have a foot fetish but I love my husband's shoulders and the firmness of his muscles vs. my softer body. Why would getting turned on by feet be kinkier than getting turned on by shoulders? idk

As far as watching (sometimes referred to as "cuckold" - which I disagree with that definition), I've tried figuring this out and some of it, for me, is that when I imagine him having sex with someone else, I can actually SEE him really well - I can see his whole body and his responses and angles of view that I can't see when it's him and me having sex together. That and that I imagine his passion is higher when he is excited about having sex with someone else. 

I hope this isn't a buzz-kill, but, basically, when I'm having sex with him to cum, my best position is on my back missionary because I get the best pressure on my clitoris that way. So, from this angle, though - think about it - I am hugging him tightly and the ceiling is my view. So, I have to close my eyes and use my imagination to get a different visual. (We haven't figured out a way to put mirrors up that isn't going to make our bedroom some obvious love-den looking place. We do have innocuous visitors from time to time).

It's easier to visualize him having sex with someone else and the turn ons are - sort of the taboo of it...that he would be having sex and enjoying it without me knowing I was watching him and I imagine him being more open and free-thinking/behaving with someone else. The idea of spying - Stuff like that.

In reality, I really don't know what would actually happen. What I've said to my husband regarding bringing in other sex partners is that the fantasy often is better than the reality - because, afterwards, at some point, you have to deal with the person involved in the sex act. That was my experience in my single life anyway. I had a three-way a couple of times when I was single and, it wasn't as cool as it looks on porn. It really takes some super level-headed, secure people to pull that off. The people were very nice, I'm not saying anything was wrong there - but they were a couple and I was the third wheel who was supposed to leave when it was all over. Now, the second time, that wasn't the case and I was invited to stay the night (but I left because I was exhausted from hours of f-ing and I didn't know the guy - the guy and gal were really good friends, though. Again, third wheel). This is what I mean by telling my husband "you can have sex but afterwards, you still have to deal with the person" - people aren't sex objects in reality like they are in your fantasy. I'm just saying that's something I try to remember when I get close to the edge of stepping over into actually physically experiencing another extra partner. 

I felt like that was what I was getting from the more stable people in the swinger community also. The people we met with seemed careful and cautious - don't get me wrong, they were super nice, people I liked meeting with and having conversations with. But when the rubber hits the road and people are getting down to actually having sex with others, there's more considerations and finding good matches isn't that simple. 

Discretion is paramount and next only to safe sex (a given that is at the top) - this is where established swinger community people tend to make the best choices I would think. Not 100% of the time by any means - but the swinger community is a lot more experienced. A person with a lousy reputation within the swinger community is going to be prominently talked about within that community - and people with good discretion skills will be favorably talked about.

The other thing is that, at least in my limited experience, the swinger community is less judgmental, obviously. There are things I felt like I could easily talk about and discuss within the swinger community (like, literally, nobody blinked) that, in other discussion group, I would have to put up with shaming and "get thee to therapy"

I am having some of the best sex of my life with my husband these days - but it has taken so freakin' long to get here. The shame surrounding sex is just nuts in this country with its confusing "Do as I say and not as I do" attitudes. We've both had to overcome stuff that we've felt was too shameful to talk about or do. 

I think you and your wife are trying really hard to work together with your sexual explorations. What I would say to you and the two of you - is just stay in touch like you are doing and put each other first. If everything is consensual, truly consensual, that's what matters. But this open territory requires the ultimate challenge of honesty - a thousand levels above any other routine sharing in a marriage. No means no - the first time. It doesn't mean, well, let me sell him/her on the idea a little further, push it and see if I can persuade. I think when someone is in love with you or attached in ways that involve relationship intricacies, they can end up compromising themselves to please their partner. So, that "no means no" has to be a top agreement.

As for that last post of the vids getting out...uhm, you do have to super-protect those vids or get rid of them. I'm not a fan of video-taping our sex because of the chance of them falling into the eyes of people I wouldn't want to see them. I think it's crappy that people violate privacy by outting people's personal sex videos without permission - but that is the huge risk involved when people make the vids. That's why I've never done them even with my husband. 

I'm not saying that it's wrong - it's just if you would be devastated if they got out, you probably are a candidate for eliminating this risk from your life.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I found a youtube video by Lisa Ling about swinging that might be of some interest to you - because there actually are some support systems for people getting into swinging. I think it's worth looking at to understand that your choices aren't only between figuring this out on your own or getting therapy to *fix* your kinks.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)




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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

James01 said:


> I would be devastated


I bet your wife and family would also. I think you both REALLY need to think about this. The guy seems to be someone that you really can't trust.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

The reason people are "devastated" by others finding out about their private sex life is because the two-faced shaming that people do to each other. I just love how people point fingers at others for their sexual behaviors but are doing plenty of their own dirty stuff. WTF? 

Get with people who won't judge you and live your best life, dude.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> The reason people are "devastated" by others finding out about their private sex life is because the two-faced shaming that people do to each other. I just love how people point fingers at others for their sexual behaviors but are doing plenty of their own dirty stuff. WTF?
> 
> Get with people who won't judge you and live your best life, dude.


I think the fundamental issue here, which is how his wife feels about it. It's not about us judging a lifestyle, but rather how it affects his wife and if her voice has become drowned out.


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