# Husband and I haven't had sex in 10 months, need advice



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Hi everyone I'm a long time viewer of this forum and have finally decided to post and hopefully get some advice regarding my situation. First, I'm sorry for the long winded post and thank yo if you take the time to read it all.

This whole thing goes back 1 1/2 years to where I had an EA, there was nothing physical about it and we both ended up going to MC which helped. The reason for it was because my H didn't give me attention and just simply acted like he didn't care about what I wanted and just did what he wanted with no thought to my feelings or input. I admitted to my H that I thought the other guy was hot and I was physically attracted to him but nothing happened. We went to MC and everything seemed to be getting better and I told him it would take some time before we started having sex again. I was simply just never in the mood for sex of any type. I felt by him talking about how he felt and asking me questions that he was just holding this over my head and taking jabs at me. Our MC told us that we need to move past it and for him to do that he needed to stop bringing it up to me and if he needed to talk about it to anyone he could call her or call a friend. That was about 10 months ago, fast forward to now. We haven't had any sex or intimacy at all for just over 10 months. I have come onto him many times but he just doesn't seem interested, he always tells me he is tired but I think he's just trying to get back at me even though he says he's not. We are in our late 20's and I know that if I have needs for intimacy then he must since he is a male.

Before the questions are asked, yes I still work at the same employer where the other guy is that I had the EA with but I don't see him every day. I'm trying to find a job in Chicago which is where my husband commutes to work each day. We live in Valpo, IN but he got a great job opportunity. There was some animosity when he took this job, it's literally the job of his dreams and he already has goals of doing more and getting a different position. I got irritated and told him that nothing is ever good enough for him. He got upset and said that it's his nature to be highly self motivated and I should be happy to have a man that wants so much for his family and that I don't understand. My friends always tell me how lucky I am to have someone as motivated as him. I love him but didn't expect to never have sex again in my late 20's!!!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you had an EA, you blame your husband for it, you tell him it will be awhile before you feel like having sex, and now you're upset because he's not interested in having sex with you? Hmmm... I think you guys have more counseling to do...

And I say this as someone who had an affair, not the "betrayed spouse". Own your actions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

You had an EA. After that, you told your H no s** for "some time." You still work at the same place as your EA.

In your H's shoes, I'd have a mountain of resentment, I wouldn't trust a word out of your mouth, and I wouldn't touch you. 

Also, if a MC told me to "move past it," I'd tell him/her to get F'd, and fire them on the spot.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you had an EA, you blame your husband for it, you tell him it will be awhile before you feel like having sex, and now you're upset because he's not interested in having sex with you? Hmmm... I think you guys have more counseling to do...
> 
> And I say this as someone who had an affair, not the "betrayed spouse". Own your actions.
> 
> ...


I know I didn't mention that but I owned that and feel that we have gotten to where we have because he doesn't bring it up anymore. He seems happier to and we've had talks that it just feels better to not bring it up since he has finally let it go. I feel bad for what I did and I feel that the intimacy is the only part missing still.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> Hi everyone I'm a long time viewer of this forum and have finally decided to post and hopefully get some advice regarding my situation. First, I'm sorry for the long winded post and thank yo if you take the time to read it all.
> 
> This whole thing goes back 1 1/2 years to *where I had an EA, *there was nothing physical about it and we both ended up going to MC which helped. *The reason for it was because my H didn't give me attention and just simply acted like he didn't care about what I wanted and just did what he wanted with no thought to my feelings or input. * *I admitted to my H that I thought the other guy was hot and I was physically attracted to him but nothing happened. We went to MC and everything seemed to be getting better and I told him it would take some time before we started having sex again. I was simply just never in the mood for sex of any type. * I felt by him talking about how he felt and asking me questions that he was just holding this over my head and taking jabs at me. *Our MC told us that we need to move past it and for him to do that he needed to stop bringing it up to me and if he needed to talk about it to anyone he could call her or call a friend. * That was about 10 months ago, fast forward to now. We haven't had any sex or intimacy at all for just over 10 months. I have come onto him many times but he just doesn't seem interested, he always tells me he is tired but I think he's just trying to get back at me even though he says he's not. We are in our late 20's and I know that if I have needs for intimacy then he must since he is a male.
> 
> Before the questions are asked, *yes I still work at the same employer where the other guy is that I had the EA with but I don't see him every day. *I'm trying to find a job in Chicago which is where my husband commutes to work each day. We live in Valpo, IN but he got a great job opportunity. There was some animosity when he took this job, it's literally the job of his dreams and he already has goals of doing more and getting a different position. I got irritated and told him that nothing is ever good enough for him. He got upset and said that it's his nature to be highly self motivated and I should be happy to have a man that wants so much for his family and that I don't understand. My friends always tell me how lucky I am to have someone as motivated as him. I love him but didn't expect to never have sex again in my late 20's!!!


A brief summary:

You had an affair.

You blamed him for you having that affair. 

You don't seem sorry that you had the affair. 

You told your husband that the other guy was hot and that you wanted him. 

At the same time, you told your husband that you did not want sex with him. 

You also told your husband that he could not ask questions about the affair because it makes you feel bad. 

You don't want to help your husband heal, but would rather have someone else do that.

You continue to work with your affair partner, the hot one that you are really attracted to. 

Your husband won't talk to you about his issues.

You are upset that he is progressing in his job.

With all that, I agree that he is punishing you. Not mature, but he is protecting himself. You hurt him and don't see to really care. You are not working to help him with his hurt and have actively put the blame on him. You have in a sense abandon him.

There are some good books, like Surviving An Affair and Not Just Friends that may help you understand what you have done and what you need to do.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

thunderstruck said:


> You had an EA. After that, you told your H no s** for "some time." You still work at the same place as your EA.
> 
> In your H's shoes, I'd have a mountain of resentment, I wouldn't trust a word out of your mouth, and I wouldn't touch you.
> 
> Also, if a MC told me to "move past it," I'd tell him/her to get F'd, and fire them on the spot.


That's why we don't go to that MC anymore because he felt she had no room to say that as she had no idea what he was going through. I agree with him on that 1000%.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did you comunicate to him before your ea that you were unhappy and needed more attention or did you just let this ea happen.

IMHO you my dear should be doing the balk of the heavy lifting to get your marriage back on track.

instead I just hear excuses. I was just never in the mood and your going to have to wait or its going to take some time......well he gave you plenty of time now its your turn to start the ball rolling or face the reality of your just not into him.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I know I didn't mention that but I owned that and feel that we have gotten to where we have because he doesn't bring it up anymore.


So things are better because you don't feel bad any more about the awful thing you did, not because he actually feels better.



> He seems happier to and we've had talks that it just feels better to not bring it up since he has finally let it go. I feel bad for what I did and I feel that the intimacy is the only part missing still.


You feel bad when he brings it up. It is not clear that you actually feel bad about what you did.

Look up rug-sweeping. That is what you want, but it is not what you need.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I know I didn't mention that but I owned that and feel that we have gotten to where we have because *he doesn't bring it up anymore*. He seems happier to and we've had talks that it just feels better to not bring it up since *he has finally let it go*.


Maybe he has let it go, or maybe he sees no point in bringing it up. Instead, he buries himself in his work. I met a woman in a similar sitch a few months ago. In her case, her H also stopped mentioning it. She thought he was "over it," but she couldn't figure out why he had not touched her in 5 years. 

It sounds like the two of you still have work to do, with you doing most of the heavy lifting.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A brief summary:
> 
> You had an affair.
> 
> ...


It hurt my feelings when he told me that he felt I don't support him in what he does and all he has accomplished. He came from a very poor family and has turned that around completely. I am so proud of him and am thankful every day to be with him. I know that I hurt him and I think of that every day and it hurts to know that I caused him that much pain when I love him so much.

We have been perfectly fine communication wise, we have fun together and love being around each other. I think that once we move past the intimacy part we will be back to 100%. I'm trying to find a job over there with him but no luck yet. Also I'm not attracted to the other guy anymore and know what I did was completely stupid. He was just there in a time when my husband was not.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long is his commute? How much time do you guys spend together? Do you still "date" each other?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So things are better because you don't feel bad any more about the awful thing you did, not because he actually feels better.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, I do feel better that he actually feels better. He seems brighter and happier. He has a lot going for him with his new job and everything going so well for us. When he is happy it makes me happier.



thunderstruck said:


> Maybe he has let it go, or maybe he sees no point in bringing it up. Instead, he buries himself in his work. I met a woman in a similar sitch a few months ago. In her case, her H also stopped mentioning it. She thought he was "over it," but she couldn't figure out why he had not touched her in 5 years.
> 
> It sounds like the two of you still have work to do, with you doing most of the heavy lifting.


I really believe that he just simply enjoys what he does and isn't burying himself in his work. He looks forward to coming home and seeing me and always has a smile on his face which brightens my day.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> It hurt my feelings when he told me that he felt I don't support him in what he does and all he has accomplished. He came from a very poor family and has turned that around completely. I am so proud of him and am thankful every day to be with him. I know that I hurt him and I think of that every day and it hurts to know that I caused him that much pain when I love him so much.


Does he know that you are proud of him? Look into His Needs/Her Needs and see if you are communicating that.



> We have been perfectly fine communication wise, we have fun together and love being around each other. I think that once we move past the intimacy part we will be back to 100%. I'm trying to find a job over there with him but no luck yet. Also I'm not attracted to the other guy anymore and know what I did was completely stupid. He was just there in a time when my husband was not.


Your communication is so good that he can't talk to you about your affair because it makes you feel bad and you continue to blame your affair on him. To top it off, I am almost positive that he does not believe that you don't find the other man attractive. You told him you did, implied you wanted the guy and then cut your husband off because he hurt your feelings when he talked about your bad behavior. Let me repeat that again:

You stopped having sex with your husband because you cheated on him and raising that made you feel bad. *You punished your husband because you did an awful thing.*

And you wonder why he is not interested in touching you. I think you are lucky he remains married to you.

Get a new counselor, one that specializes in infidelity. Read some of the books I suggested. But be aware - this will be tough work for you this time. No more blaming your choice to cheat on him. No more shutting him down because you don't like his feelings and don't want to feel bad because of what you did.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

PBear said:


> How long is his commute? How much time do you guys spend together? Do you still "date" each other?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On a good day his commute is about 1 1/2 hours. He takes us out to dinner and a movie, or we have picnics, and take walks downtown and on the lake if that's what you mean.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does he know that you are proud of him? Look into His Needs/Her Needs and see if you are communicating that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He obviously does not because he told me that he feels I could care less about what he accomplishes in his career and he finds that disturbing, hurtful, and odd. He also said that most women would love a self motivated man that wants to provide for his family and is so ambitious like him. I've told him I'm proud of him, I have no idea what exactly he does since he has been promoted 3 times in the last 2 years.

I wasn't trying to be negative when I told him to slow down. He always wanted to be a Network Engineer when growing up and in the last 2 years he has went through 4 positions all the way to a network architect. He now says he wants to be a senior network architect within 5 years. I just get irritated that noting is ever good enough for him and he says that he is just setting goals for the future and if you don't set goals you settle. I don't get it....


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unsuregirl89 said:


> On a good day his commute is about 1 1/2 hours. He takes us out to dinner and a movie, or we have picnics, and take walks downtown and on the lake if that's what you mean.


1.5 hours each way? Or that's a total for the day?

How often do you go out for dinner, walks, etc each week? And yes, that's what I mean. 

What else do you two do during the evenings?

Have you tried just talking to him? "Honey, it's been 10 months since we did the nasty. Let's talk about this. You haven't been tired for the last 10 months; we both know that"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> He obviously does not because he told me that he feels I could care less about what he accomplishes in his career and he finds that disturbing, hurtful, and odd. He also said that most women would love a self motivated man that wants to provide for his family and is so ambitious like him. I've told him I'm proud of him, I have no idea what exactly he does since he has been promoted 3 times in the last 2 years.
> 
> I wasn't trying to be negative when I told him to slow down. He always wanted to be a Network Engineer when growing up and in the last 2 years he has went through 4 positions all the way to a network architect. He now says he wants to be a senior network architect within 5 years. I just get irritated that noting is ever good enough for him and he says that he is just setting goals for the future and if you don't set goals you settle. I don't get it....


This is not yours to get. It may be a fundamental aspect of his personality. So when you criticize it, you undercut all the praise that you give.

Having said that, I think this is mostly noise to the real issue. He does not feel safe with you due to the affair and your rug sweeping. Focus on that first.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well unsuregirl89, I don't want to pick on you for your mistakes because I have made several of those myself.

But clearly you where feeling a lack of intimacy and bonding and had an affair. If he was having a problem before -the affair is certainly not going to help. Perhaps he is just like so many of our spouses and is LD. 

So it could be that after you turned him off sexually he decided that was perfectly fine with him.

Maybe he is having trouble with not visualizing you with the other guy

Maybe he is mad at you and this is punishment.

Maybe this is something that he needs more time to get over. It is fairly callous to say that when you need time off it is OK but when he needs it there is something wrong. 

What was it about him before that you think drove you to an affair? Or is that just an excuse and you wanted the thrill?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You have not gone no contact so I would simply assume you're still in the affair. Cheaters lie, so really nothing you can say to dispute that. I imagine your husband feels the same. Also you seem to have shown zero remorse. So why exactly should your husband be interested in being intimate with you?


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

It's a 1.5 commute each way so he gets home around 6 to 6:30. We make a point to go out at least once per week on the weekend. He usually springs it on me and just says, let's go out and do such and such. He always asks if there is anything I would like to do or anywhere I would like to go in particular though.

I've tried that, he tells me he's tired, or just overworked. He avoids the issue is what it seems like to me. He's in great shape and works out regularly, and all of my friends think he's hot. I know he masturbates so I know it's not a lack of having needs. I think he's just trying to punish me, I caught him masturbating in the shower about 1 month ago. I don't see how he can do this if he's to tired to be intimate with me. This makes me really think he's just holding out on purpose with me.

Also, I don't talk to the other guy, there was a period of time where my husband would want to randomly see my phone and it irritated me but I let him see it just to show him that I wasn't talking to the other guy any more. Also like I said I don't find him attractive anymore, the reason that all of this happened was because my husband was simply not there for me. I felt like nothing I did or said mattered and that I wasn't a priority. This other guy seemed to understand me and I was stupid because he lured me into more.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I know he masturbates so I know it's not a lack of having needs. I think he's just trying to punish me, I caught him masturbating in the shower about 1 month ago. I don't see how he can do this if he's to tired to be intimate with me. This makes me really think he's just holding out on purpose with me.


Amazing. It is all about you. How dare he punish you for your cheating. Why won't he just let it go, sweep it under the rug and ignore it?

Sex has both a physical and emotional aspect. The masturbation is about the physical, but your cheating prevents him from opening up to you emotionally. He does not trust you, so he does not want sex with you. You have abandon him. He is hurting, and your response is don't talk about it with you, find someone else to talk about it with. You don't like his job because it takes away from you. That he is happy with it is secondary.



> Also, I don't talk to the other guy, there was a period of time where my husband would want to randomly see my phone and it irritated me but I let him see it just to show him that I wasn't talking to the other guy any more.


So you cheat and are dishonest, but are upset that he does not trust you.



> Also like I said I don't find him attractive anymore, the reason that all of this happened was because my husband was simply not there for me. I felt like nothing I did or said mattered and that I wasn't a priority. This other guy seemed to understand me and I was stupid because he lured me into more.


If your husband had been a better man, you would not have been forced to cheat. 

You posts are that of a selfish, entitled princess. I hope they do not truly represent who you are.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

All I'm doing is trying to get opinions on what I should do to get past this issue WITH him. I don't think people telling me I am selfish is going to help. I want to do whatever it takes.

I have talked to him about it and said we need to put an end to this lack of intimacy. I mean there is ZERO fondling touching, anything. I don't touch him below the belt and he doesn't touch me below the belt except for the pat on the butt once in a while. he fondles my breasts at times but that's about the extent of it. He agrees that we need to get out of this slump but he won't initiate and I'm afraid that if I do he will reject me again.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my husband was simply not there for me?

what does that mean? you never answered my questions did you communicate ....listen hun I need you to be there for me I feel lonely and if things don't change I think we should divorce.

or did you let this guy tell you sweet nothings and then think he must really care for me he says the nicest thing to me.

as you husband carves a nice life for his family with hard work and sacrifice.

crazy crazy crazy. 

wait you caught him masturbating after you told him it was going to take some time to be intimate again.

wow you should be glad hes still with you but again I detect poor character.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unsuregirl89 said:


> *All I'm doing is trying to get opinions on what I should do to get past this issue WITH him. I don't think people telling me I am selfish is going to help. I want to do whatever it takes.
> *
> I have talked to him about it and said we need to put an end to this lack of intimacy. I mean there is ZERO fondling touching, anything. I don't touch him below the belt and he doesn't touch me below the belt except for the pat on the butt once in a while. he fondles my breasts at times but that's about the extent of it. He agrees that we need to get out of this slump but he won't initiate and I'm afraid that if I do he will reject me again.


If you want to get past this then you have to acknowledge your selfishness and get a third-party to help you understand that your continued selfishness is blocking your and your husband's recovery from your cheating.

You are looking for a shortcut that doesn't exist.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> my husband was simply not there for me?
> 
> what does that mean? you never answered my questions did you communicate ....listen hun I need you to be there for me I feel lonely and if things don't change I think we should divorce.
> 
> ...


I did tell him that I felt that he wasn't putting any priority on me and that we needed to better communicate but whenever I would he would get angry at me and it would turn into an argument. I had nowhere to go and nobody to talk to since he would just get mad at me before.

No, I caught him masturbating after he tells me that he's never in the mood or to tired. I want to be intimate but he never wants to be but he masturbates.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I did tell him that I felt that he wasn't putting any priority on me and that we needed to better communicate but whenever I would he would get angry at me and it would turn into an argument. I had nowhere to go and nobody to talk to since he would just get mad at me before.
> 
> *No, I caught him masturbating after he tells me that he's never in the mood or to tired. I want to be intimate but he never wants to be but he masturbates.*


Doesn't that tell you that the hurt from the affair is still ongoing?

Please research a marriage counselor who deals with infidelity.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You had the EA, now you have to do the heavy lifting. That may mean extending yourself out of your comfort zone and risk being rejected. Multiple times, even. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need to look up what true remorse is and do everything on that list. Starting with quitting your job since you still work with your boyfriend.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Seriously have to agree with everyone else that you probably need therapy as much as he does. 

He was not making you the center of the world and so you betrayed him. But apparently to your perspective it was really no big deal. 

You needed a break after your affair for what? What does he think about that? -Time for you to get over the other hot guy so that you will be able to have sex again with your second rate hubby?

Sounds to me like he still loves you and you basically have a good relationship other than this incident but I can tell you for sure that it may take several years for this to heal completely.

And if he is punishing you than so what -you certainly deserve it because you punished him much worse.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You need to look up what true remorse is and do everything on that list. Starting with quitting your job since you still work with your boyfriend.


He is not my boyfriend and I don't even talk to him. I will not quit my job until I have another one lined up, we have discussed that. He seems to think that there is a reason I won't leave where I currently work. I make **** pay so why wouldn't I want to leave? He told me that he is listing the house and moving either way come February whether I have a job over there or not. I'm not sure if he can do this since I'm not on the mortgage or deed for the house...


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

unsuregirl89 said:


> He is not my boyfriend and I don't even talk to him. I will not quit my job until I have another one lined up, we have discussed that. He seems to think that there is a reason I won't leave where I currently work. I make **** pay so why wouldn't I want to leave? He told me that he is listing the house and moving either way come February whether I have a job over there or not. I'm not sure if he can do this since I'm not on the mortgage or deed for the house...


Like I said, no remorse. I agree with your husband, there's a reason you don't want to quit. Hint: it's your boyfriend.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> All I'm doing is trying to get opinions on what I should do to get past this issue WITH him. I don't think people telling me I am selfish is going to help. I want to do whatever it takes.


Do you? We have given you a lot of thought on why he is acting this way. We have told you thoughts on how you can address it. You have not responded to a single suggestion.



> I have talked to him about it and said we need to put an end to this lack of intimacy. I mean there is ZERO fondling touching, anything. I don't touch him below the belt and he doesn't touch me below the belt except for the pat on the butt once in a while. he fondles my breasts at times but that's about the extent of it. He agrees that we need to get out of this slump but he won't initiate and I'm afraid that if I do he will reject me again.


There is no simple solution for this. This is not a movie where everything just wraps up in two hours. You hurt him and don't sound all that concerned about it except for how it effects you. As I have said before, he does not trust you and does not want sex with you.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ME,me ME me I,I,I ME,I, me 


hmmmmm

do him a favor and end it.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> He is not my boyfriend and I don't even talk to him. I will not quit my job until I have another one lined up, we have discussed that. *He seems to think that there is a reason I won't leave where I currently work.* I make **** pay so why wouldn't I want to leave? He told me that he is listing the house and moving either way come February whether I have a job over there or not. I'm not sure if he can do this since I'm not on the mortgage or deed for the house...


So have you answered this? Why is your crap job so dang important that you refuse to leave it, even though your husband knows you can see the other guy at that job any time you want?

Your husband is still ticked at you. His comment on listing the house says he still has a lot of anger - anger that can't be addressed because you told him he can't talk about it and punished him when he tried to. 

That is the reality you have created. So what are you willing to do to change that?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi there Unsuregirl. If you've been reading this site for a while, you should probably have expected the replies you've had so far. People don't heal from an affair for a LONG time. Ten months is nothing.

You must quit your job. Talk with your H first but offer to quit so you can focus on finding a job that will absolutely sever all contact with OM. Don't expect you H to start to trust you until you have done this. He simply can't go there knowing that you still see this OM occasionally. Can you not see how that would rip him to shreds?

Your H is an ambitious guy and that is wonderful. But the flip side of that coin means you start to feel like a. After thought to him. You two will have to find ways that strengthen your relationship so that he can pursue his ambitions and keep his wife feeling like the most important thing in his life. BUT this is secondary to the marriage becoming intimate again.

You're going to have to risk rejection. It's that simple. You destroyed his trust so it's up to you to rebuild it and that means putting yourself on the line and opening yourself to rejection. You have to prove to him that YOU WANT HIM! That means you pursue him, you go after him, you initiate sex with him..often!

Invite him to talk about his anger and his feeling of being rejected by his life. You're going to have to apologize over and over and over and over. How would you react if he had the affair? Do for him what you would want him to do for you to rebuild.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Hi there Unsuregirl. If you've been reading this site for a while, you should probably have expected the replies you've had so far. People don't heal from an affair for a LONG time. Ten months is nothing.
> 
> You must quit your job. Talk with your H first but offer to quit so you can focus on finding a job that will absolutely sever all contact with OM. Don't expect you H to start to trust you until you have done this. He simply can't go there knowing that you still see this OM occasionally. Can you not see how that would rip him to shreds?
> 
> ...


I don't want to quit because of money. You kind of need it in this day and age and I want to contribute. There's nothing going on with the other guy, and nothing regarding him keeping me there.

I've apologized left and right and also I've initiated many times. I just can't get him in the mood and he says it's okay or that he's past it but if he won't open up to me and tell me how he feels then what can I do? We've talked about divorce before and neither of us want that, we have both made that clear. We want to work through this but he's not giving me anything to go on since he always tells me we are okay.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unsuregirl89 said:


> *We want to work through this but he's not giving me anything to go on since he always tells me we are okay.*


Then if you are serious about it, you go find a marriage counselor who deals with infidelity and start going. 

It's really simple. Make the first move towards a professional helping you.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I imagine he feels emasculated with the EA and then the animosity over his job opportunity.

You said your counselor advised him to not bring up the EA any longer. Perhaps at this point he pushed it down instead. You think he is punishing you and you are absolutely right. 

I'm not sure he is out of line in this. If your situations were reversed would you be okay by now? I think you should both return to therapy. Marriage is a very long road and this rough start has the potential to show up again and again in your marriage if it is not resolved.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your troubles, unsure. I mean it.

Look, you fell into a deep hole, and you're the person who dug it. You can take the good advice which is offered here, do the hard work you should have been doing already, or you can keep looking for people to give you dime store advice about how to get your husband in the sack again. Your choice.

Look at what you've been saying:
-You had an affair.
-You blame your husband for the affair.
-You told him the other man was hot.
-You cut your husband off from sex until such time as you were ready. Read up on what an absolute dagger to the heart that it is to a man. You killed him with that one.
-Your husband was told by you and your idiot counselor that he wasn't allowed to talk about how the affair affected him because it hurt your feelings. No thought towards his. "Go talk to a buddy." How lucky you are that he didn't talk to a female buddy about it...
-You refuse to quit your job because you like the money it brings in. Step back and think about this: you're telling your husband that his feelings matter less than the numbers on a direct deposit slip. For Chrissake, quit your job and get a new one. He's put a timeline on it, and you best listen.

In short, get over yourself, realize that you crushed him over and over again, and own the lion's share of the problems in your relationship. NOTHING he did or didn't do to you justify your affair, so it's up to you to make it better.

Find out his Love Languages, and get to work on fulfilling his needs.

RIGHT NOW!


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

I just had a nice long talk with him before he went to bed. He apparently wants no part of sex with me. His reason is because for so long I turned him down and rejected him. I admit I told him to just let nature take it's course and it was to pacify him since telling him I wasn't in the mood seemed to get old to him. He said that it took him so long to turn off his desire for sex that he doesn't want to allow it to come back and end up only having sex every few months like before or getting rejected by me again. I feel so bad that I've done this to him. I don't think a therapist can even resolve this. I told him to trust me and let himself open again so we can be intimate but he said he just doesn't think that's a good idea right now. I don't think I can go on like this.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Oh so you two had some major problems before the affair. 

Why is it that you where only having sex every few months but you still felt you needed to have an affair?

"and end up only having sex every few months *like before*"

I mean it seems to me that he is saying that was a problem before and so I would have to assume it was not by his choice.

Or am I misunderstanding?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like the reason he wasn't giving her the attention she wanted was because she was withholding on him.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Trickle truth... Good story though..donchya think


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes, let's see - newly married husband got the treatment you are now getting (no sex, rejection) so withdrew over time. You responded to his withdrawal by getting involved with another man. It hurt you to catch him masturbating when you wanted sex - imagine if he ignited a relationship with someone else at this time.

Look, I don't think you are awful and I'm not even passing judgement because I have plenty sexual b.s. to deal with of my own.

Does your husband want to work things out with you or not? I can't imagine that 2 people in their 20's are done with sex for the rest of their lives.

It's been nearly a year - he seems resolved on this point.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I haven't read the whole thread, but do you think it might be better to just divorce? A fresh start for each of you? 

If reconciliation means at least some groveling, and you are not willing to do it, maybe divorce would just be easier?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I don't want to quit because of money. You kind of need it in this day and age and I want to contribute. There's nothing going on with the other guy, and nothing regarding him keeping me there.


Why should he believe that? Not slamming, just asking you to put yourself in his shoes. Based on your actions to date, what reason can you point to that should allow him to believe that you have no contact with him? He does not believe you, so until you can establish that trust, you won't solve your problem.



> I've apologized left and right and also I've initiated many times. I just can't get him in the mood and he says it's okay or that he's past it but if he won't open up to me and tell me how he feels then what can I do? We've talked about divorce before and neither of us want that, we have both made that clear. We want to work through this but he's not giving me anything to go on since *he always tells me we are okay*.


I am going to try one last time. He says this because you have made it very clear that he is not allowed to express his true feelings. He won't open up because it is not safe to do so with you. When he has in the past, you have withheld sex and actually told him to tell someone else. If he had done something like that, would you feel safe telling him your true feelings?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I will tell you when I am extreamly angry or disapointed in my wife I won't even get hard enough to have sex with her.


but still wake up with a raging bonner everymorn that I sometimes still have to rub one out in the shower.



you have hurt him more than you think and its effecting his desire for you maybe even subconsiously.


and I can see why with your poor attitude and lack of remorse. eventually he will realise this and most likley then he will move on.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> and I can see why with your poor attitude and lack of remorse. eventually he will realise this and most likley then he will move on.


OP, I am wondering if the house issue is his way of doing that. The job is very important to you (even though it is a sore spot for your husband). Perhaps he thinks you will refuse to move and that will result in ending the marriage? Pretty poor reasoning to me, but I am wondering if that is his hope.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Thanks for the information everyone. I tried to talk to him again today since we are both off. He again insisted that we are fine and he's just been tired from work since he's the head of a new project at work. I told him that I wish he would just take a day and relax so we can "DO" something. I think he got my point because he then got irritated, he said he understands where I'm coming from but I need to understand that he's been extremely busy and tired with work. He went on to say that he was going to change the oil in our cars since they need it and I've been asking him to change it. He also cleared out the driveway from snow and just wanted to relax. I told him I was just going to leave him alone and he said he didn't want that but he just wants me to understand where he's coming from. I let my temper get the best of me and I ended up going off about my needs not being met which resulted in him throwing the past in my face like he used to. I told him that he's digging himself a hole and that the counselor told him to let the past go and not talk about it.

I'm at my friend's house right now. He said, if I don't match up to how my fantasy man was then I can go $%@& him and told me to take my stuff and get out. He wasn't going to keep going through life with someone that will not appreciate everything he has worked for and is still working for.

He won't answer my calls or texts and now I have nowhere to go except my parents house...

I'm totally lost and unsure of what to do now. My friend told me that I'm the one in the wrong and she feels bad for my husband, and said that she wishes her boyfriend was like that. That really pissed me off so I told her to just go be with him then if she wants him so damn bad. She ended up going over there but I have no idea what happened or what's going on and honestly don't care anymore.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Unsuregirl, you really need to grow up honey.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> Thanks for the information everyone. I tried to talk to him again today since we are both off. He again insisted that we are fine and he's just been tired from work since he's the head of a new project at work. I told him that I wish he would just take a day and relax so we can "DO" something. I think he got my point because he then got irritated, he said he understands where I'm coming from but I need to understand that he's been extremely busy and tired with work. He went on to say that he was going to change the oil in our cars since they need it and I've been asking him to change it. He also cleared out the driveway from snow and just wanted to relax. I told him I was just going to leave him alone and he said he didn't want that but he just wants me to understand where he's coming from. I let my temper get the best of me and I ended up going off about my needs not being met which resulted in him throwing the past in my face like he used to. *I told him that he's digging himself a hole and that the counselor told him to let the past go and not talk about it.*


Are you honestly surprised that he is not honest with you>



> I'm at my friend's house right now. He said, if I don't match up to how my fantasy man was then I can go $%@& him and told me to take my stuff and get out. He wasn't going to keep going through life with someone that will not appreciate everything he has worked for and is still working for.
> 
> He won't answer my calls or texts and now I have nowhere to go except my parents house...
> 
> I'm totally lost and unsure of what to do now. My friend told me that I'm the one in the wrong and she feels bad for my husband, and said that she wishes her boyfriend was like that. That really pissed me off so I told her to just go be with him then if she wants him so damn bad. She ended up going over there but I have no idea what happened or what's going on and honestly don't care anymore.


So those of here on this board tell you that you need to change your attitude and approach. You dismiss us and continue on your same path.

Your friend tells you the same thing. You again dismiss it.

Why? There is a definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result - that applies here. What you are doing is not working. You want him to change, but you are unwilling to change anything about yourself. You can't control him, only you. So change that. 

Read the books suggested here. Really listen to him and his pain when he talks about the affair. Don't get defensive or go on the attack. Just listen. Hear what he is saying. You put that pain there. What are you going to do to help him get rid of it?


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Are you honestly surprised that he is not honest with you>
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I honestly plan on reading those books, he won't talk to me about it even when I tried last night and today to get him to talk about it. I figured we were good, he didn't want to talk about it and I really wanted to leave the past in the past. I just figured he was tired, but I have been trying to talk to him and he just didn't want to open up to me. How is that my fault if he won't open up to me though and I'm trying to get him to? He told me last night that he is perfectly fine not having sex and that he doesn't desire it anymore. Can someone please tell me how that is not a lie if he still masturbates? I tried to come onto him last night in some lingerie and even went as far as tried to go down on him. I typically only give oral if he has went down on me but for no more than about 30 seconds to a minute, just to get him going. I told him he could just sit back and relax this time. He just looked at me and said "not tonight" and continued watching his basketball game. I told him if he was going to be that way then don't expect it anymore IF we ever even do it again.

I think what's happened is best for both of us, he just won't open up and I have needs that aren't being met. We will both be happier this way I'm thinking....


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I honestly plan on reading those books, he won't talk to me about it even when I tried last night and today to get him to talk about it. I figured we were good, he didn't want to talk about it and I really wanted to leave the past in the past. I just figured he was tired, but I have been trying to talk to him and he just didn't want to open up to me. How is that my fault if he won't open up to me though and I'm trying to get him to?


Because you don't really mean it. You are fine as long as he says what you want to hear. The moment he talks about his thoughts (not having healed from your affair), you shut him down. In your own words:



> I let my temper get the best of me and I ended up going off about my needs not being met which resulted in him throwing the past in my face like he used to.


So he can't discuss your cheating ever. Even if that is what hurts him. So don't say you want him to open up. You don't. You want him to tell you what you want to hear.



> He told me last night that he is perfectly fine not having sex and that he doesn't desire it anymore. Can someone please tell me how that is not a lie if he still masturbates?


I agree it is is lie. The truth is he does not want sex *with you*.



> I tried to come onto him last night in some lingerie and even went as far as tried to go down on him. I typically only give oral if he has went down on me but for no more than about 30 seconds to a minute, just to get him going. I told him he could just sit back and relax this time. He just looked at me and said "not tonight" and continued watching his basketball game. I told him if he was going to be that way then don't expect it anymore IF we ever even do it again.


You just can't stop yourself can you? How did that threat make you more attractive to him? You cut off sex once because of the other guy. Now you have cut off oral for the same reason. What is left?



> I think what's happened is best for both of us, he just won't open up and I have needs that aren't being met. We will both be happier this way I'm thinking....


Please clarify this. What is the best for both of you and how will you both be happier?


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

So anyway what was the problem that led you to cheat?

You say you where not having sex frequently before, was that him not initiating or you cutting him off?


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Because you don't really mean it. You are fine as long as he says what you want to hear. The moment he talks about his thoughts (not having healed from your affair), you shut him down. In your own words:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm just tired of trying, I love him but if this is really what he wants then I guess we have no choice. I won't stand there while the throws the past in my face, I have a right to defend myself or at least say SOMETHING and not be verbally abused.

Him kicking me out sucks because I have no place to go and I love him. I think that if we divorce it would just be better, he would be able to have a sex free life like he wants and I could get my needs met by someone that appreciates what I need.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I'm just tired of trying, I love him but if this is really what he wants then I guess we have no choice. I won't stand there while the throws the past in my face, I have a right to defend myself or at least say SOMETHING and not be verbally abused.
> 
> Him kicking me out sucks because I have no place to go and I love him. I think that if we divorce it would just be better, he would be able to have a sex free life like he wants and I could get my needs met by someone that appreciates what I need.


So you have not even provided any feeadback here about recommendations on what to do. You have ignored suggestions to try marriage counseling.

Instead, I think you go right exactly where you wanted to go, to divorce because you are unsatisfied.

Why is that?


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> So anyway what was the problem that led you to cheat?
> 
> You say you where not having sex frequently before, was that him not initiating or you cutting him off?


His lack of compassion, or attention to me is what made me reach out for someone that appreciated me. I had no idea what it would cause and that I would do this to our marriage.

The reason for our lax of intimacy before was because he liked oral way to much. I like straight forward sex with foreplay. Oral is only used on him for a minute at most and this is to just get him going before we initiate PIV. He kept stating that he wanted to do more like when we were dating and would do more oral or use our hands more. I didn't want this and he wouldn't accept that so I just stopped all together and apparently it backfired unfortunately...

I have only had 2 friends that really enjoyed giving oral and they were friends from back in college that were pretty ****ty and I'm no longer friends with so I think that explains why they would like giving it. There's no point to it if I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

michzz said:


> So you have not even provided any feeadback here about recommendations on what to do. You have ignored suggestions to try marriage counseling.
> 
> Instead, I think you go right exactly where you wanted to go, to divorce because you are unsatisfied.
> 
> Why is that?


I have given feedback and am thankful for the help given. That's why I have tried to talk to him and even came onto him last night. What did it get? ZERO results and a fight that got me kicked out. I was even going to give him oral which I hate as a last shot but he didn't even want that. Is it possible that the lack of sex has caused him to turn gay or could he be cheating? I'm not trying to be self centered but I'm a good looking girl and get noticed all over so for him to not want me just screams that he is either gone gay or is cheating.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's still not recovered from your affair, or he checked out of your marriage and hasn't checked back in. Only you can decide if you want to give him more time to do that. 

Personally, if he's not willing to acknowledge that there are still issues and work on them, I'd say the odds of things getting better are pretty low. Repairing a damaged marriage is a lot of work, and both parties have to be willing to commit to it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I have given feedback and am thankful for the help given. That's why I have tried to talk to him and even came onto him last night. What did it get? ZERO results and a fight that got me kicked out. *I was even going to give him oral which I hate as a last shot but he didn't even want that. * *Is it possible that the lack of sex has caused him to turn gay or could he be cheating? * *I'm not trying to be self centered but I'm a good looking girl and get noticed all over so for him to not want me just screams that he is either gone gay or is cheating.*


You have phenomenal, willfully poor assessment skills to have made that last statement.

Will you please contact a marriage counselor or at least a psychologist for yourself to learn about clear-eyed thinking and marital interactions.

The statements you have made in this entire thread make me wonder if you reflect on anything at all of a constructive nature.

I wish you well.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Like I said, you still haven't shown any remorse. You may think do but you haven't. There's a list on this site of what remorse is and isn't. You need to read it and follow it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

NPD?


----------



## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I'm just tired of trying, I love him but if this is really what he wants then I guess we have no choice. I won't stand there while the throws the past in my face, I have a right to defend myself or at least say SOMETHING and not be verbally abused.
> 
> Him kicking me out sucks because I have no place to go and I love him. I think that if we divorce it would just be better, he would be able to have a sex free life like he wants and I could get my needs met by someone that appreciates what I need.


My marriage is/was similar. My wife opted to wait to have sex with me until marriage on account of her religious beliefs. Once married, she still refused to consummate the marriage and only conceded after four months when I was preparing to leave her. Long story short, our sex life never really improved, having only brief periods of regular sex. As a result of so much rejection, I began seeing as a friend rather than my wife, which eliminated my desire to be sexual with her. Only after nearly a year and a half of not touching her at all did she atrempt to initiate, at which point I could not have had less interest. 

Like your husband, I am exceedingly ambitious. In college I double majored while playing football at a top 25 Division 1 school. Post college, I am 10 plus years into a very successful career in finance. Like hour husband I am fit and keep myself in near the shape I was in while playing college football. For me, the rejection was bad enough, but to know that most men do far less in terms of effort and yet have much more fulfilling marriages is/was even more crushing. I would guess that your husband has similar feelings. 

My sex drive never dimished, so I turned to masturbation to get by. After a short while, my mental wiring and biochemistry changed such that I no longer had any sexual feelings for my wife. My marriage and yours are cautionary tales of the dage done by deliberately neglecting your spouse in a sexual way. For many men, sexual rejection over a long period of time results in a reaction similar to the reaction many women have to physical or psychological abuse. We shut down as a defense mechanism. Men are emotional creatures too and can only be pushed so far. Sadly, I would guess that you did not know that rejecting your husband sexually would have such dire and potentially permanent consequences. I know my wife failed to understand that. She now has to live with the reality that I do not desire her and likely never will. Sadly, and pathetically, my hand is clearly the more desireable option. 

We stay married because my wife is asexual and only cares about sex in as much as it impacts my decision to stay or go. Because of our daughter, she knows I will never leave. Not seeing my daughter everyday is not an option for me unless she initiates divorce. So, I get to see my daughter and she gets the ambitious, successful, fit, and presentable husband she always wanted. Your husband may never change the way he sees you, which would mean a sexless marriage. Such a relationship will ultimately end with ine of you cheating, likely you given your history and need for constant attention. Since you asked for advice, here it is. Tell your husband the truth that a sexless marriage is not an option for you. Give him an ultimatum to work on the intimacy or file for divorce. Just be prepared for the possibility of him leaving. I would also consider the possibility that he has found someone else or is looking. Either way you have convey to him what is acceptable and accept the consequences. Just don't accept the status quo unless you can truly accept it like I have. I have accepted my situation for the next 16 years. It is a tough pill to swallow and not a path most people would accept. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

unsuregirl89 said:


> His lack of compassion, or attention to me is what made me reach out for someone that appreciated me. I had no idea what it would cause and that I would do this to our marriage.
> 
> The reason for our lax of intimacy before was because he liked oral way to much. I like straight forward sex with foreplay. Oral is only used on him for a minute at most and this is to just get him going before we initiate PIV. He kept stating that he wanted to do more like when we were dating and would do more oral or use our hands more. I didn't want this and he wouldn't accept that so I just stopped all together and apparently it backfired unfortunately...
> 
> I have only had 2 friends that really enjoyed giving oral and they were friends from back in college that were pretty ****ty and I'm no longer friends with so I think that explains why they would like giving it. There's no point to it if I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it.


after reading this post I'd say...........stick a fork in in already!

even your friend is telling you your wrong everybody on this board is telling you your wrong .


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

So I see this scenario:

He was interested in things you did not want to do and he felt like his needs where not being met and he probably tried to communicate that to you and you shot him down.

So he takes the normal but not very good course of withholding the affection that you need. 

...and so you cut him off.

...and then to validate that you where indeed sexually attractive 
-you had an affair. 

And now what? 

If you have already told him that you do not like giving him oral. He is not going to want it because nice guys do not want their SO's to do things they do not like. And trying to do something that he feels you think is disgusting is a turn off for him.

I have to question if you really want this to work? 

Though not all that common I would guess that you could find plenty of guys that is perfectly happy with no BJ's and plain vanilla sex. (although they will also have their own imperfections)

Likewise, your husband could most likely find a woman that was a bit more sexual. 

If you do repair this infidelity issue will you still just have the same old problem of mismatched sexual preferences?


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> So I see this scenario:
> 
> He was interested in things you did not want to do and he felt like his needs where not being met and he probably tried to communicate that to you and you shot him down.
> 
> ...


Well I'm not going to perform oral, it's degrading and nasty if that's what your asking. If he gives me oral then I'll give him a little bit back since it's only right ya know?

I don't think this can be repaired, I'm not going to beg for sex from a man when I know I can get it from any man I want. He can find himself a hermit that doesn't want sex and miss out on all that fun . I'm done trying, I'm mentally exhausted from all of this and it's even effected my job.

I do appreciate the help from those that helped me though.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's not going to find a hermit. Once he off loads you he'll find a siren who loves him, loves blowing him, and remains faithful.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps with that attitude abut a sexual act between two loving partners, you should bookmark this site for future reference...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He's not going to find a hermit. Once he off loads you he'll find a siren who loves him, loves blowing him, and remains faithful.


Kind of hard to imagine that if he doesn't have a desire for sex don't ya think?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

unsuregirl89 said:


> Kind of hard to imagine that if he doesn't have a desire for sex don't ya think?



Lol you don't get it at all. It's you he doesn't desire. And the guys on here can all see why. You're a cheater. You don't give oral. You're a withholder. You use sex for the power it gives you and only give when you get something out of it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unsuregirl89 said:


> Kind of hard to imagine that if he doesn't have a desire for sex don't ya think?


You're missing the point. It's not that he doesn't desire sex. He doesn't desire sex with you, at least right now. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"He can find himself a hermit that doesn't want sex and miss out on all that fun"

I don't understand?

He wants sex and you think certain parts of it are "degrading and nasty"

He will most likely go find a woman who does not feel that way and you will be free to find a guy who is not that interested in oral sex.

win /win

Neither of you are wrong you simply have mismatched views about what good sex is. 

In my opinion I do not see how it is worth the effort to fix this current issue unless the underlying issues are resolved.

I had a friend who left his wife of 20 years for the same reason. I think it is probably better to get it over with now than sometime later.

Yes, I agree with the above, you are totally clueless.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This thread should be renamed the NPD thread, this lady has no empathy at all jeez...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> I'm just tired of trying, I love him but if this is really what he wants then I guess we have no choice. I won't stand there while the throws the past in my face, I have a right to defend myself or at least say SOMETHING and not be verbally abused.


But you are not trying. You want to pretend it never happened. There is no magic pill to fix this in thirty minutes like a sit-com. It did happen and your marriage is not the same as it was before. Again, that is your fault. You cheated and have shown no remorse. It was his fault you cheated. You have not seemed to do anything to help him get through it. 



> Him kicking me out sucks because I have no place to go and I love him. I think that if we divorce it would just be better, he would be able to have a sex free life like he wants and I could get my needs met by someone that appreciates what I need.


If you are not willing to own up to what you have done, I agree. You can fix this if you want. It is painfully clear that you don't want to do the necessary work. I am sorry to hear that.

Set him free.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> Kind of hard to imagine that if he doesn't have a desire for sex don't ya think?


Oh he wants sex. Just not from you. 

My guess is he views you the same way you view those girls from college who enjoyed oral. He does not to be any where near you.

It is also very clear that you think he is fortunate to have married you. He is the lucky one, because you can easily replace him. That is consistent with your affair. Follow this to the natural conclusion and let him go. It is better for both of you.


----------



## unsuregirl89 (Jan 8, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But you are not trying. You want to pretend it never happened. There is no magic pill to fix this in thirty minutes like a sit-com. It did happen and your marriage is not the same as it was before. Again, that is your fault. You cheated and have shown no remorse. It was his fault you cheated. You have not seemed to do anything to help him get through it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My friend just got back and my husband called me just a while ago. I don't know what she said or did but he wants me to come get the rest of my stuff and be out by Sunday. Apparently he's taking tomorrow off to make sure I don't go over there and do anything, why would I do that? I have no idea what she said or did but she probably told him to leave him and she's hook up with him. I'm so mad at the both of them right now I can't even see straight. I wanted to fix this but he just wouldn't open up to me, thank those of you that understand where I'm at and what I'm going through. It's hard for the both of us but apparently most of you are getting your wish and he's filing for divorce. I will have nothing after this except for a car that he bought me last year, and my clothes. I have to move back in with my parents in my late 20's..... I'm so hurt right now........


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> You had an EA. After that, you told your H no s** for "some time." Y*ou still work at the same place as your EA.*
> 
> In your H's shoes, I'd have a mountain of resentment


I think the fact that OP still works with the EA guy is a major factor in how her husband feels/resentment. That is a year and a half of knowing the spouse is still seeing this person/working with them! Grr.

It would be too much to handle for most human people.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unsuregirl89 said:


> My friend just got back and my husband called me just a while ago. I don't know what she said or did but he wants me to come get the rest of my stuff and be out by Sunday. Apparently he's taking tomorrow off to make sure I don't go over there and do anything, why would I do that? I have no idea what she said or did but she probably told him to leave him and she's hook up with him. I'm so mad at the both of them right now I can't even see straight. I wanted to fix this but he just wouldn't open up to me, thank those of you that understand where I'm at and what I'm going through. It's hard for the both of us but apparently most of you are getting your wish and he's filing for divorce. I will have nothing after this except for a car that he bought me last year, and my clothes. I have to move back in with my parents in my late 20's..... I'm so hurt right now........


Many of us have been completely LEVELED and destroyed in our sitches to have to live out of cars, go back home to parents, entire social circle turned on us, careers lost or damaged.

The thing about it, is you can recover and become a stronger better person through the tragedy. It starts with being honest to yourself, and being responsible for your own actions.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The first thing you should do is talk to a lawyer. Find out your rights. 

Second, recognize you both have a role in the demise of you relationship. Try to avoid any confrontations; just grab your stuff and go (if that's what you decide is best after talking to a lawyer). The only people who benefit from conflict are the lawyers. 

I do wish you both well. I think you both have healing and growth to do. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> The reason for our lax of intimacy before was because *he liked oral way to much.*




One woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

Cause that description in bold is my dream man. 

Ok, now with that said, I read this thread backwards and it seems he has now asked you to move out. I am sorry all of this happened. I don't really understand what your friend is doing get involved in your marriage but nonetheless, get your ducks in order. It takes two to make a marriage work.

In the future, communicate clearly (both) when needs are not being met and/or if you need something; also, don't cheat -- it destroys.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

unsuregirl89 said:


> My friend just got back and my husband called me just a while ago. I don't know what she said or did but he wants me to come get the rest of my stuff and be out by Sunday. Apparently he's taking tomorrow off to make sure I don't go over there and do anything, why would I do that?


Why would you cheat? As I said before, he does not trust you. It is as clear as day to everyone but you.



> I have no idea what she said or did but she probably told him to leave him and she's hook up with him.


Ironic, isn't it. 



> I'm so mad at the both of them right now I can't even see straight. I wanted to fix this but he just wouldn't open up to me, thank those of you that understand where I'm at and what I'm going through.


Because you don't want him to open up. You want him to say what you want to hear.



> It's hard for the both of us but apparently most of you are getting your wish and he's filing for divorce.


That is not my wish. Posters here gave lots of good advice on how you could try to change things. You have ignored it all. That is unfortunate.



> I will have nothing after this except for a car that he bought me last year, and my clothes. I have to move back in with my parents in my late 20's..... I'm so hurt right now........


I imagine you are. Might I suggest you take some time to reflect on what you could have done differently. Still read the books suggested and work on yourself a bit.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Delusional cake eater.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"...most of you are getting your wish and he's filing for divorce."

Seems like you are the one who made that decision and not us.

Your attitude has been: 
He wanted oral so I cut him off and then just to make sure I had the knife in as far as it could go I had an affair.

...He should just get over that cause I am one hot girl.

My advice is that when you are interviewing your next SO you should print this thread out and hand it to them to read so that they can get a good idea of what lies ahead.

This should help prevent future relationship problems for you.


----------



## wantingagoodlife (Jan 9, 2014)

What I find interesting is that the OP started a thread yesterday afternoon looking for advice on fixing a problem that has gone on for months or more.

She ignored most of the advice, attempted a bit of the advice and immediately threw in the towel when it didn't result in "happy ever after". Her situation took a long time to create. It's not going to be fixed in one evening. 

Giving up so quickly makes me think that she is in fact getting the result she wants. To be out of the marriage.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

To be fair, no one here advised her to try and give her husband oral sex and I see no indication that she took any advice that was offered.

Given what we learned today oral sex would have been just about the last thing I would have suggested. 

Her only real concern seems to be loosing her stuff.

The Eagles - Lyin Eyes


----------



## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

deleted


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Honey, learn to give a good blow job. That's all I can say about this mess. 

You seem to not be getting the bottom line here. You were stingy with sex. You are tight laced with sex. After getting no sex and being hurt enough over the lack of variety of sex your husband withdrew. You responded with an affair. At that point he was done with all of this.

You say he won't open up but every time he does you tell him the counselor said to drop it.

Your husband is going to be having plenty of wild sex and you are going to be telling your next relationship that you don't give oral and like sex once a month or less.

You paint him as the frigid one but you have it backwards.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Honey, learn to give a good blow job.


Now THAT should be a TAM sticky !! :smthumbup:


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep the next guy most likley will also want oral.

good luck!


----------

