# we're on 'break'



## JJDynomo (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi folks,

My wife of almost 10 years of marriage asked me for what she calls a 'break'. I guess some would call it a trial separation. We have two boys 8 and under and during this break or further separation I will be keeping the boys (even if we divorce). We have been going to counseling as well for a few sessions now and currently plan to still go.

The 3 things that are important to know:

1) she's trying to figure out what's important to her
2) she's trying to feel loving feelings for me again
3) she's also having an emotional affair with an ex college bf (maybe even more)

I am very much in love with her and this separation is very hard on me. She fully realizes and has told me many times that I am a great person, great husband and great Dad and there isn't any sexual issues either (that front is good). This sends my man brain into a tail spin because if I am all these things, what's the problem? The problem is she's "loves me but not in love with me" as the saying goes.

I have given her the space she's needed and have not attempted communication with her. She knows my feelings and what I want with her. I did have a heated exchange with her last night when i discovered that she was dining with the ex boyfriend last night. She flat out lied about it but continued to deny it.

All of this said, tonight we're going to dinner and then i'm going to support her tomorrow in one of her hobbies she does. My counselor recommended that I do what I would normally and be the person I am regardless of the situation. I decided that the person (i am) my wife fell in love with would go to dinner and support her tomorrow as it means a lot to her. This is what I've decided but man that is a giant horse pill to swallow. I hope i can keep my chin up and show her a fun time and the man that I am. I'm going tonight and tomorrow with zero expectation she will tell me what I want to hear.

I have surrendered to the idea that she may never find those feelings for me and that divorce is a real thing. The thing is though, that if we divorce, I will withdraw 'that best man ever' and only deal with her when it comes with the kids. No more anything from me. I have hinted at this but I guess in the next few weeks I will have to specifically tell her this. After 10 years of good marriage (minimal fighting, fun, etc) I can't just simply be rolled back as a friend. To me, the biggest promise you can make she'd break.

I want to win her back and start growing together. I realize that the road will be tough and if she comes back things will be far from perfect but it's a start and progress. 

So, any of you that have been here, done that, sure would like to know how to get through all of this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The affair must be crushed first.

You won't "win" anything by playing a doormat.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She most likely is having an affair or plans on one. Women rarely leave the security of a marriage without a backup in the wings. 

Also this ”break” is just her way to soften the blow of her leaving you. Odds are she has no intentions of working on the marriage. 

Know this, you won't be able to nice her back. The only way for her to see what she will lose is for her to lose it. 

Tell her if she isn't in love with you then you should just divorce now and get it over with. Go through the motions for the D and start looking out for yourself and start ignoring her. The more she sees you pull away from her and that you'll be fine without her then you'll see her change her tune. 

Don't fight against her, give her what she says she wants and watch how she changes her mind. 

Only about half of the people that file actually follow through with the D so don't stress over it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> She most likely is having an affair or plans on one. Women rarely leave the security of a marriage without a backup in the wings.
> 
> Also this ”break” is just her way to soften the blow of her leaving you. Odds are she has no intentions of working on the marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JJ
Your wife is cheating on you.
Your wife is in love with the OM college exbf.
Your wife has turned you into a cuckold babysitter.
Your wife continues to lie to you.
Your wife is out living the single life.

And you still want to be with her because you love her? What is left to love my friend.

Your wife is a selfish [email protected]!

Screw her hobby. Screw her dinner and probably PA with the OM.

Go see an attorney and make some decisions for you and your boys. Take the pseudo separation and elevate to a divorce. Have her served at work or at her families home.

When she asks you why tell her the marriage vows did not include her boyfriend.

Find your balls soon or you will lose more than just them. Time to man up. A marriage needs more than just love. It needs Trust and respect. She does not love you. You cannot trust her.
And she has no respect for you or the marriage. 

You should be angry now. Use it to better your life and find a woman who honors what you honor. Good luck.
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JJDynomo said:


> My counselor recommended that I do what I would normally and be the person I am regardless of the situation.


Your counselor is an idiot and will lead you right to divorce.

Man up, tell your wife if she wants a separation then she gets a separation.
Separation means she`s away and without your influence.
Stop supporting her in any and every manner.

Pull the 180 and file for divorce.

See how fast she "Finds herself" with D papers in her hand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You guys are not on a break, she is on a break. This way she won't feel guilty for sleeping with her boyfriend while still married.

It almost sound like you are excepting this open marriage, if that is the case, then get with it and find a girl friend.

Just another way to see how fast she "Finds herself"


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

ok, go look for the jar where your wife stashed your nads, reread your post, she cheating plain and simple. monday morning go to your lawyers,file for full custody of your children,divorce that's your option---but cut her off totally money wise.. no cc cards,change bank accts.and 100 percent no contact unless about the kids.your counslers a flipping idiot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You must expose the affair and make it hard for them to continue it.

Tell her family and friends she is cheatng on you

Find his wife or gf and do the same

Cut off all access to money and credit.

She is asking for a break she is asking for your permission to move out and screw her bf while you watch the kids.

Oh, and file for full custody and child support for her.

If you live in an alienation of affection state sue the bf.

See, there are many things you can do to hurt the affair.

Shell be mad at you for driving her bf away, but if you sit back you'll have nothing while heis screwing her and your paying for her..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJDynomo (Feb 18, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> She most likely is having an affair or plans on one. Women rarely leave the security of a marriage without a backup in the wings.
> 
> Also this ”break” is just her way to soften the blow of her leaving you. Odds are she has no intentions of working on the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice everyone. By far, this is the best piece of advice and it very true. I love my wife even through this roller coaster but I'm tired of the situation, tired of being a doormat.

I can't make her love me and if she can't figure out that her emotional affair with this other person is clouding her judgement then so be it.

It is important to me though that I remain the person I am during this process. I am a nice guy, I am not mean, I am not angry but I no longer wish for her to hurt me anymore or be a doormat. If she can't figure out in her own head that she's leaving a mountain of great things and long term happiness then that's her deal. Later in life, I'll give myself to someone else who wants and needs this kind of person in their life and more importantly, can give it back to me. I'm a catch, i deserve better.

We have a counselor appointment next week. 

1) I will ask her to end this friendship and emotional affair
2) I will start the divorce process
3) I will continue counselling with her until divorce is finalized

She has X days to save our marriage. I don't think that's going to happen but it's all in her hands. I can do nothing more nor do i wish to.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JJDynomo said:


> We have a counselor appointment next week.
> 
> 1) I will ask her to end this friendship and emotional affair
> 2) I will start the divorce process
> 3) I will continue counselling with her until divorce is finalized


I see no point in this in fact I see it as counter productive.

Why go to counseling with someone you`re divorcing?

She`s not going to buy the whole "divorce thing" while y`all are in counseling to save the marriage.

Does that even make sense to you?

Cancel the counseling sessions and have her served.
Work the 180.
Hell, go dark if you can.

Get some respect back.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

My friend it is all well and good people here saying sh** like man up, get some balls etc it really doesnt help. Uou have emotiomal ties and a long investment in this relationship and although i feel you are far too good a person for her just take a bit of time before diving in with ultimatums . I am currently on seperation cos i asked my wife to leave as she was spending too much time with her friends but we have been through so much over the last couple of years her family bereavements that she needed more in her life. She said there was no other man involved and i believe her but she put her friends above and before me and my feelings. I miss her a lot well i miss the old her a lot and the pain is so grest it stops me functioning at times.
Just weigh everything up in great depth and decide whats best for you and i mean great depth. You know i really believe that nice people get ****ed over but the alternative is to become selfish and mean so am going to try and stay nice and do the RIGHT things at least then i will have no guilt later in life. I wish you all the luck no matter what you decide to do you deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJDynomo (Feb 18, 2012)

hurtinme said:


> You know i really believe that nice people get ****ed over but the alternative is to become selfish and mean so am going to try and stay nice and do the RIGHT things at least then i will have no guilt later in life. I wish you all the luck no matter what you decide to do you deserve it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nice guys always win and I agree with you about feelings of who you are later in life. One less thing to worry about (ie your integrity, compassion and respect for people). As my father told me, 2 wrongs don't make a right.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Conrad said:


> The affair must be crushed first.
> 
> You won't "win" anything by playing a doormat.


Perfectly said!! Trail separation? She is having an EA with an ex boyfriend? What is this BS? She gets to have a time out from being a parent and wife? So, if things do not work out with the ex boyfriend, you will be waiting for her with open arms?

Only you have the answers, but if I was in your shoes once she leaves on "the trial separation" the locks would be changed and divorce papers would be served. She is having an affair with an ex boyfriend. Do not show all your cards in the MC's office. Second, do not make threats. Let her seal her own fate. If you make a threat and she breaks she will just resent you for it down the road.


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