# Urgent help pls! I'm not attracted to my husband



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

I married him 5 years ago. We had been dating for only a few months but had to do a quickie marriage because he got a job overseas and wanted me to join him. He was overweight when I met him and was not really attracted physically to him then either, but I had just come out of a relationship in which I was extremely attracted to my boyfriend and figured I should try to look inside instead at the person, regardless of physicality, since it never seemed to work out with guys I was sexually attracted to. He treated me very well. 

Here is the thing...I am 5"10, 130 lbs and he is 5'11", and around 350 lbs. Before I married him, he would always talk about getting in shape again,since he used to be an Olympic contender in high school. I saw pics of him from before the weight gain and he is a handsome guy. 

In bed he is more than awkward and sometimes I just can't help but being repulsed. I'm sorry...call me what you want...but how can I help feeling this way? I mean he married me knowing that I never was satisfied with the sex, so I guess he gets what he married, too. Maybe we should just stop sex altogether? 

He only has 2 positions due to his weight and movement issues and every time he had tried to give me oral in the past it was just horrendous, so he stopped altogether for fear of rejection, I guess ( he has a freaky good sense of smell, so maybe this turns him off). When he touches me he doesn't know how to, or something because he always makes me giggle and feel uncomfortable. I can't stand it when he touches my breasts because he doesn't do it in sensual way, just goes right for the nipple, no caressing. Also, he lasts two minutes, tops. And they are not even good two minutes. It is just a big mess and I'm sick of having to do this anymore. I don't know...even if he lost weight, I'm sure a lot of these issues wouldn't go away, since he doesn't even know how to touch me correctly. And dammit...I have tried to teach him how and where it feels best but he never learns. Am I doomed to a sexless marriage forever???

We are separated and he is living in another state. I am just wondering if it is time to throw in the towel.
Please help! Thank you so much...


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Btw, he has a lot of really great qualities (except he is REALLY bad with money)...and I love him...but I just cannot continue to have sex with him. I feel like it is sucking my soul, since I am not being truthful with him or myself. I am just giving in to make him happy. 

Another issue, is that we never had a real wedding--just a quickie vow ceremony that cost us $20. No honeymoon, nada. 

I'm so sad right now...I just cry all the time about the thought of being in this situation forever. 

He has told me to give him another chance...that he will become more active, go to counseling, etc. but it took him a good 8 months to agree to anything. Sometimes I feel like it is too late now. I'm tired of trying to so hard to keep up my looks and make him feel happy when all he does is bring home a paycheck and sit on the couch and watch TV. He think he feels entitled, since he makes most of the money. We never go out..and if we do it is to a movie or a bookstore. Those are the only activities he does-ever.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If he got that stomach reducing operation and dropped 150 pounds, would you feel differently?

If not, time to formalize the parting.

If so, there is a chance for you two.

Separated, why?


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Sunny, I'm so sorry.

I won't beat you up about marrying someone you knew that you were totally incompatible with. I think you've realized your mistake.

The only thing I can suggest , is that you hold him to the counseling. see where that takes the two of you. If you enjoy more active things, try to find creative ways to get him into that.

Tell him he'll become healthier if he is more active. Ask him to take a hubby/wife walk with you in the evenings... and eventually the exercise will begin to pay off. 

The therapy , for you two , seems the only way. You deserve to be sexually happy in your marriage, so don't feel guilty for that.
I do wonder why his weight was a surmountable issue before you married, but now, it's a deal breaker.

I am not judging you at all, and I can understand your point of view. But, it was kind of not fair, for you to marry this guy, knowing all the things you've told us.. so, you should at least give it a while, to see if the counseling works for you both.

And if in the end , you find that you can't get to that point.. then it might be time to move on. You don't want to be unhappy for the rest of your life, and I am sure you want him to be happy too.

Sounds like you two were just totally incompatible from day one...

But, give the counseling a try... see if it doesn't help. It's worth a shot....

update us...


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

michzz said:


> If he got that stomach reducing operation and dropped 150 pounds, would you feel differently?
> 
> If not, time to formalize the parting.
> 
> ...


I while a ago there was a commercial for this procedure and I unfortunately went against my judgment and asked what he thought about it. He was really pissed and hurt and I don't blame him. I have never brought up the weight issue with him our whole marriage, but at that point I had been thinking of leaving him, so I guess I just thought I would be honest with him. I have brought up the health issue, however and he knows he is overweight. It never really has been about the weight, though SO much. It is about how sedentary he is and how it effects or lives. So losing weight would help with that. He got a dog, with my blessing, because I figured he would take him on walks now and then. (He promised he would!)He won't even do that. I end up doing everything for the dog, since my husband is always complaining about his feet hurting. 

We are separated partly because he got a job in a different state and because of a LOT of financial problems that he was responsible for and deaths in the family (among other issues!) all happening a the same time, unfortunately. Really bad luck this last year...causing us to really drift apart. We lived apart for a good year starting near the end of 2007 due to him having a different job in a different state. 

He is offering that if I move out to where he is working, he will change his ways and go to counseling. I am considering giving it one last shot...but that means giving up a job opportunity I have and living in a state where I don't know anyone, and have no support group -with just my husband looking to me for sex that I don't want. Ack! I just don't know what to do. Should I give it yet another try? If he hasn't changed by now, after 5 years, I doubt he will change. And why should he? He seems to like himself the way he is.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

geez.. you're in a very tough spot sunny...

have you talked to a counselor yourself? to maybe get some clarity on what you should do? What about a pastor or priest, if you're a religious person, that could be helpful.

Do you have family you can keep in touch with, if you move there with him? I know it's a tough thing to pick up and move, all on the expectation that things will get better, and then if they don't, then you've left a job, and your life behind. 

Well, if you do go.. you can always move back to where you are now, if it doesn't work out. I feel for you, this is an impossible situtaion for both you and your hubby..


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

marina72 said:


> Sunny, I'm so sorry.
> 
> Tell him he'll become healthier if he is more active. Ask him to take a hubby/wife walk with you in the evenings... and eventually the exercise will begin to pay off.
> 
> ...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> He is offering that if I move out to where he is working, he will change his ways and go to counseling. I am considering giving it one last shot...but that means giving up a job opportunity I have and living in a state where I don't know anyone, and have no support group -with just my husband looking to me for sex that I don't want. Ack! I just don't know what to do. Should I give it yet another try? If he hasn't changed by now, after 5 years, I doubt he will change. And why should he? He seems to like himself the way he is.


Marriages living apart are hard enough without this problem. I think it would be a mistake thought to just uproot when the basic troubles are not addressed.

He doesn't exercise because his feet hurt because he is so overweight. So he gets more out of shape. an endless spiral.

Too bad if he does not want to be confronted with his weight problem! It is a health problem that is impacting him, his wife, your marriage.

If I were you, I would stop listening to his promises to change if you do something. Insist he lose the weight, either by surgery or some kind of Jenny Craig/Weight Watchers and exercise program.

If he loses X amount if weight you would agree to join him.

Test his resolve to address this.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

michzz said:


> Marriages living apart are hard enough without this problem. I think it would be a mistake thought to just uproot when the basic troubles are not addressed.
> 
> He doesn't exercise because his feet hurt because he is so overweight. So he gets more out of shape. an endless spiral.
> 
> ...


Yes...he has said in a round about way that this is something he will change. Although I think he has an issue with talking about it. I think it makes him feel like a ***** and he is caving in to my demands, or something. I made it clear to him that is what needs to happen. Perhaps I should just go there and see if he is serious about it. I guess it is worth a shot?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> Yes...he has said in a round about way that this is something he will change. Although I think he has an issue with talking about it. I think it makes him feel like a ***** and he is caving in to my demands, or something. I made it clear to him that is what needs to happen. Perhaps I should just go there and see if he is serious about it. I guess it is worth a shot?


Your bargaining power is to NOT go there until he takes action, actual progress losing weight, not just talking about it.

If you uproot before the? It's just some more talk.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

marina72 said:


> .
> I do wonder why his weight was a surmountable issue before you married, but now, it's a deal breaker.
> 
> I am not judging you at all, and I can understand your point of view. But, it was kind of not fair, for you to marry this guy, knowing all the things you've told us.. so, you should at least give it a while, to see if the counseling works for you both.


When I married him I was really unsure about it...but he had gotten this job overseas and went there for 3 months, so we had been separated for three months . When he came back, it was just for one week-just to marry me. We got married and then he left again for another 3-4 months. I figured, if I don't marry him he'll lose his job over there and I'll ruin everything. I was so sad then. I just didn't see a way out. I felt like my hands were tied. Every time I think about it I get this overwhelming sad feeling inside, like I should have just said no. I was young and stupid and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.


----------



## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

If It were me, even though it would hurt, I would not want to be with someone that felt this way when they married me. He would be better off with someone more compatible and so would you. 

Is there a hidden compatibility between you if some changes were made? if you know for sure the answer is no then I would end it. 

How old are you both?




sunnygirl said:


> When I married him I was really unsure about it...but he had gotten this job overseas and went there for 3 months, so we had been separated for three months . When he came back, it was just for one week-just to marry me. We got married and then he left again for another 3-4 months. I figured, if I don't marry him he'll lose his job over there and I'll ruin everything. I was so sad then. I just didn't see a way out. I felt like my hands were tied. Every time I think about it I get this overwhelming sad feeling inside, like I should have just said no. I was young and stupid and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

cone said:


> If It were me, even though it would hurt, I would not want to be with someone that felt this way when they married me. He would be better off with someone more compatible and so would you.
> 
> Is there a hidden compatibility between you if some changes were made? if you know for sure the answer is no then I would end it.
> 
> ...



Well, maybe there is a hidden compatibility, but I wouldn't know unless he lost some weight. But it's not all about weight, either. He has a very controlling/dominant personality that I cannot stand. He is the jealous type, too. I am 34 and he is 32.


----------



## Hispetal (Apr 18, 2009)

Hi sunny

I'm new and this is my very first post. I attached myself to the emotion in your situation because I am in a similar set of circumstances - and that is one of the reasons why I joined this forum.

I have lived with my hubby who is significantly over-weight for the majority of our "marriage" (still trying to decide if it's still a marriage beyond the legality of it). We've been married several years and have two teenagers. It's only been the past three years or so that his weight issues have interrupted our sex life. We basically don't have a sex life lately. It's horrible, and I'm SO lonely. I definitely feel what you're going through, mostly struggling with not being attracted to him, not being turned on, and often ... but sadly... repulsed. 

I try to not sound like a shallow person when I use the word repulsed, but he has brought so much of this upon himself. Laziness, traveling and eating dinners out a lot, drinking nearly every day (beer, mixed drinks, you name it), lack of self control on food portions ... it's all added up to where he is today and I've tried unsuccessfully to be supportive. I'm no skinny beauty by any stretch of the imagination (I'm 5' 7" and 148 lbs) ...yet, I take care of myself because I respect myself and try to set good nutrition examples for my kids. Even they comment to him that he needs to go on a diet. The diets start ... and stop within a week or so. 

I'm wrapped in layers of discontent, resentment, depression, and frustration. I hope that I can continue reading comments and advice in here, with hopes of finding some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one dealing with such issues. 

At some point, I may go further into discussing how I've been trying to cope emotionally, but I'm not sure how to say it just yet.

sunny, I wish I could offer some suggestions. For now, just know you're not alone, and I hope we can kick some more ideas out in the forum to tackle the emotional side of things as well as the physical.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Since there are no children involved, you just need to make up your mind on what you want to do. Do not stay with him out of fear or guilt; if those are your only reasons for hanging on, then go. You will be o.k., and his happiness, etc., are not within your control. Who knows--maybe losing his wife will be the motivation he needs to improve his health condition and will result in him having a longer, happier life. It's not something you can determine, however. All you can do is decide what you need and want. 

Good luck. Let us know what you decide.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Since there are no children involved, you just need to make up your mind on what you want to do. Do not stay with him out of fear or guilt; if those are your only reasons for hanging on, then go. You will be o.k., and his happiness, etc., are not within your control. Who knows--maybe losing his wife will be the motivation he needs to improve his health condition and will result in him having a longer, happier life. It's not something you can determine, however. All you can do is decide what you need and want.
> 
> Good luck. Let us know what you decide.


Thanks you so much...I'm happy I am not alone, although I wish I were so nobody else would have to suffer through it, too. 

We have been talking about divorce for a few months, but never gone through with it. He moved to a different state, has a good job now...I told him I would possibly give it another shot if he took these issues seriously. He knows he has one chance...and that is it. He has agreed to counseling and also to getting involved in an activity of some kind together, like Aikido or Ballroom dancing. He has also agreed to be more spontaneous. He knows if he fails to take action that he will have no marriage anymore. 

The thing that opened up our dialogue was an event last summer in which I had an emotional affair with someone...just a few email exchanges, nothing more. Unfortunately, I didn't realize he read my emails! So both of us lost trust in each other for a while. But, it opened a path to communication that was seriously missing before. I had always been afraid to talk about his weight. He seemed to think everything was fine, in the sex dept!, except we slept in separate bedrooms, had awful, two-minute sex once every two weeks, which I think was generous, since I was not attracted in the slightest. In fact...you used the word repulsed. I also felt the same way. Not only was it the fat but also he has growths, like little flaps of skin on his arm pits, that he says could easily be removed-but he never did it! He also has neck hair that he does not maintain and it grosses me out! He showers regularly, though. Knowing that I like a guy to wear cologne I always bought him some , but he NEVER wore it...It's like he never even tries at all. 

After a while you just feel like a prostitute or something. He seemed to think buying me stuff was the answer to everything. Ack! I'm so dead inside in this marriage. How can he not see what a fool he is? 

I'm sick of it, the more I think about it, the more I don't even want to give him the chance. He had many chances along the way that he passed up. Why would this one be any different? I had to quit my job today in that other city to give him another chance. I'm just so sick of this! He always seems to win out. He has a dominant, logical mind that makes me think I am wrong all the time. And I know I'm not wrong. I just want to cry..I'm sorry...I've been unhappy for all of our years of marriage.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Time to throw in the towel.

Seems like his weight is only one of the many problems. He's already moved out, so just seal the deal and move on. You'll find your way to something better.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sunny,

do him and you a favor and familiarize him with my thread. i was 100 pounds overweight and had a freaking stroke that almost killed me, and it drain my wife of all her energy, even though she pulled me through.

fyi-i have since lost over 100 pounds and have taken many other steps to make life better. it will make me a better husband and father in the long run. get him to freaking get fit or he will die!!!!


----------



## NewtralHuman (Apr 24, 2009)

Some observations I want to mention:
- Your attraction to him is not clear-cut. Physical attraction is a *pre-requisite* for a "normal", "healthy" marriage.
- You are uncomfortable with his temperament. May be your temperaments don't match.
- Your life decisions (i.e. to marry or not to marry) seem to be based on fears rather than desires for achievement.
- You seem to have an imbalanced self-esteem, which explains your decision to marry him in the first place.

You need to understand/identify what you want in an ideal marriage. Then use that as the basis to (dis)qualify anyone in marriage.
You need to recall if you ever felt at peace and tranquil in your marriage. Try your best to be just and fair.
Finally, I would say that if you see yourself happy with him if he "changes", then give him this last chance, such that he start on a program to change and *shows promising results first*.
And do take into account that in your current clouded state-of-mind, you may be more vulnerable at making a wrong decision.
I would be willing to connect you with a couple I know who might be able to offer you some valuable suggestions. Or you can seek the advise of an older/wiser couple in your community.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

NewtralHuman said:


> Some observations I want to mention:
> - Your attraction to him is not clear-cut. Physical attraction is a *pre-requisite* for a "normal", "healthy" marriage.
> - You are uncomfortable with his temperament. May be your temperaments don't match.
> - Your life decisions (i.e. to marry or not to marry) seem to be based on fears rather than desires for achievement.
> ...


Thanks for the good advice...

You are really right about alot of things here. 

I have never felt "at peace" at any moment in our relationship for some reason. In fact, I have rarely felt very comfortable around him. We have slept in separate beds a lot of our marriage. When we did have top sleep together, I would have to take a sleeping pill, to relax enough. I don't know why this is. I have had other relationships before him in which there was a physical comfort with my partner, so I do see there is a huge difference here. We never "cuddle" or anything. I kept hoping these things would eventually change, but they never went away, just got worse it seems. 

I am really not sure now that I even want to waste any more of my time in this marriage. I feel like I have given him enough chances. I went to visit him last week for a few days, but it only confirmed my feelings about wanting out. He has not changed, as he said.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

So I caved in and said I would move where he is give it a try for a few months! Now I am regretting that decision. The thought of being intimate with him is making me have panic attacks. I just don't think I can do it! Is there something wrong with me? I'm supposed to move there in three weeks or so...Why can't I just end this? What is wrong with me..I know this relationship is just so wrong,but I feel guilty leaving him because it's not like he beats me or something. That shouldn't be the standard, though, right?


----------



## birdie (May 10, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. 

Perhaps you should ask your husband if he likes they way he is. Maybe thats your answer. As sad as it sounds, he has to want to lose weight for himself. If he only ever see changing as a way to please you- he will only sink deeper into poor self esteem, feel like a failure if he doesn't please you sexually, or purely never have the motivation. I understand why you married in the first instance, but there's nothing wrong with realising you're not in love with someone any more. I think he should have done more for you. Marriage is hard, we all know that but you need something to fight for when things get hard. Do you have that? I'm not tryng to be horrible- Just some home truths that helped me out in a tough time earlier last year. All the best sunny.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I am so laughing on the inside right now. Not at you or your situation, but at the fact that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world going through this.

My husband was never a small man, but in high school he was voted as "mr. physique" because he worked out and was muscular. Now it has all turned to flab, with extra added on. He tells me every week (no lie) "I am tired of being a fat ass...my diet starts today"..but within that week he reverts back to being the couch potato, eating chips and dip while he complains of his weight. When he REALLY wants to lose weight, it melts right off him, but he always goes back to gaining it all back and then some. He is 5'11" and now weighs 340 pounds. I KNOW what you are going through and it is the most frustrating thing I have had to deal with. We try to tell ourselves that it isnt about the sex, its about who that person is inside...but....we can't get passed the weight issue no matter how hard we try. Sex is bad, but you dont want to hurt feelings....been there and live it all the time. How do you tackfully tell someone that you are not attracted to them physically without hurting their feelings? I think thats impossible, and havent figured that one out. I did fianlly admit to him that it bothers me more than I ever thought it would, but yet he still does nothing about it. He constantly makes fat jokes about himself which leads me to believe that he is ok with himself being like this. I have adjusted the way I cook, making more healthy dishes and adding extra veggies and fruit...but it only leaves him hungry for the 2-4 ice cream sandwhiches for dessert. He can't just eat ONE of something...its not enough for him. It seems no matter what I do, he doesnt really care, he is happy with himself and I dont want to take that away from him...but jeebus....it is frustrating to no end!!

I really don't have any advice for you in this department, but I will definately keep reading this post to see what others have to say and how we can get through this.

I do sympathize with you, and want you to know that you are NOT the only one going through this!


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Sprite said:


> I am so laughing on the inside right now. Not at you or your situation, but at the fact that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world going through this.
> 
> My husband was never a small man, but in high school he was voted as "mr. physique" because he worked out and was muscular. Now it has all turned to flab, with extra added on. He tells me every week (no lie) "I am tired of being a fat ass...my diet starts today"..but within that week he reverts back to being the couch potato, eating chips and dip while he complains of his weight. When he REALLY wants to lose weight, it melts right off him, but he always goes back to gaining it all back and then some. He is 5'11" and now weighs 340 pounds. I KNOW what you are going through and it is the most frustrating thing I have had to deal with. We try to tell ourselves that it isnt about the sex, its about who that person is inside...but....we can't get passed the weight issue no matter how hard we try. Sex is bad, but you dont want to hurt feelings....been there and live it all the time. How do you tackfully tell someone that you are not attracted to them physically without hurting their feelings? I think thats impossible, and havent figured that one out. I did fianlly admit to him that it bothers me more than I ever thought it would, but yet he still does nothing about it. He constantly makes fat jokes about himself which leads me to believe that he is ok with himself being like this. I have adjusted the way I cook, making more healthy dishes and adding extra veggies and fruit...but it only leaves him hungry for the 2-4 ice cream sandwhiches for dessert. He can't just eat ONE of something...its not enough for him. It seems no matter what I do, he doesnt really care, he is happy with himself and I dont want to take that away from him...but jeebus....it is frustrating to no end!!
> 
> ...


Hi Sprite,

Yeah, I know I'm not alone in this situation. That has helped a little bit. Thank you for writing. I'm sorry about what you are going through because I know exactly what you mean. I have tried making healthy dinners, but since he refuses to eat left-overs he has 2-3 huge servings. Also, when we go out to eat, he orders an appetizer ever time..and a drink...and a big meal. If we go to fast food, he will order an extra large combo meal, plus another sandwich...then he wants two scoops at the ice cream shop. 

He recently said if I leave him, he will lose a bunch of weight and join the military! It makes me sooo sad because we could be happy if he lost weight. I just feel like I'm not worth it to him to take it seriously. We started talking about the weight issue openly last summer. He went on a sort of diet, but he always goes off it after a week. Food is like a comfort to him. He is generally not a fun person to be around, but when he is eating he is jovial and happy! Is that the way it is with your husband? It sounds like your husband at least has a sense of humor most of the time. My husband doesn't even have that.


----------



## dorado23 (May 11, 2009)

It seems to me the reason ur not attracted is because of all the stress u have. I have been there. Me and my H were living w his parents for awhile and he had stopped working and I started to feel the same way u do. I never wanted sex, I always felt like it was a duty because he was my H and I hated every minute. But what I had in my mind at that time was the home issue and him not looking for work.
As soon as he got a job and got us a house our relationship got better, and we started going to church as well. I am not saying our relationship is perfect because it isnt but I dont feel disgust anymore and I enjoy and usually initiate it.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Yes, my husband has a great sense of humor when it comes to his weight. I don't get it, if I was that big for my height, I would feel so self concious..but thats just me. He says he is tired of being fat, but still orders the biggest possible choice off any menu...a Big Mac super sized meal...plus another Big Mac...OMG, how can one person eat so much at once?

Why is it that men will fix what we don't like about them IF we leave or even SAY we might leave them? Why can't they fix it to make what we have even better? I know for us, it totally effects the sex life...we are limited because of his size. But for some reason, he seems to think its GREAT. I don't get that part either! Its great for him because he gets his in the end, but all I get is frustration. Have you discussed with him the difference it would make in the bedroom?

This is a hard subject for me to talk to my husband openly about because I dont want to hurt his feelings. I keep telling myself that personal appearance should not matter as much to me as it does, and it sometimes makes me feel....vain I guess would be the word. But...just...ewww. I do get repulsed by the way his body looks, and I feel bad for this. But it makes me not want to touch him the way I used to.

I think the reason they go off their "diets" so quickly is because they take it to extremes and get tired of it after just one week. I keep telling my husband that he can eat what ever he wants...just in moderation. He doesn't seem to know what moderation is when it comes to food. My husband does seem happier when he eats what ever he wants, but he always regrets eating what he did afterwards because he eats so much at once that he hurts from being full. Adjusting what I cook and how much I cook does help alot. I make only 1 piece of what ever meat we are having for each person, a salad almost every night, and one box of what ever side dish(mostly rice dishes). If I dont feel like it will be enough to fill him up, I make an extra veggy. This way he only gets one piece of meat, but he can eat as much salad or veggies as he wants to. I stopped buying "junk" food. No more cookies, chips, dip, donuts, cakes or ice cream he likes. But when he goes shopping, he brings it all home...for me he says....lol. For me it is a littel difficult because all the "good for you food" is usually loaded with poatssium, which I have an issue with my body not processing it properly. I get too much potassium and I get lightheaded and dizzy, I can offset that by adding salt to my food, but he has high blood pressure and can't afford the salt being added. He loves salt on his food, so by putting the salt shaker on the table, he reaches for it automatically, you will never see a salt shaker on my table any more unless we have company over for dinner. I usually foret to put salt on my own food so I end up with the dizzyness.....ugh, its annoying, but I am willing to go through that so he eats healthier. I cant make him eat healthy if I dont do it too. Its almost like its a losing battle most times. Occasionally I will eat some potato chips cuz they are loaded with salt that I need, but I cant being them home cuz he will eat them.

I fear my oldest son is heading down the same path as my husband is in the weight department. I try to explain to him what it will do to him in the future if he doesn't take care of it now. He sees that his Dad can't do things we want to do because he gets winded so quickly. I have even explained to him what it does to his body in a sexual way(he is a teenaged boy so I figured this would hit home with him...lol..and yes, I am very open and honest with my boys in this department...the more they know about it, the better off they will be is the way I see it), and the problems it will cause in the future. AT least HE gets it and even tho he hates salad, he eats one every night, and is starting to make much wiser desicions on what he eats and doesn't eat. He even started working out! I am proud of him that he cares enough about his health and well being that he is working on it , I just wish husband would follow his lead.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Yes, I have discussed the sex issue with my husband--but it hasn't made him change his habits. I haven't felt sexually satisfied (unless I do it myself) since my last boyfriend, which was 7 years ago! That's a long time to go without. It is not the only problem though. A lot of our problems stem from his weight and insecurity issues, though. I just wish he would take it seriously, or I am going to be gone. I really am at the point where I don't mind talking to him about these issues anymore. I'm past the point where I care about hurting his feelings--I mean I wouldn't ever say something mean-spirited, but I feel like my silence has just made it worse.

I really don't think he will change...I think he has too many layers of deep-seated issues that are soothed temporarily by food-intake. He has been overweight since he was in his early twenty's. He is now in his thirties. I have suggested he see a counselor, but he refuses to go for himself. He has agreed to couples counseling--that took 8 months, and threatening to leave, to get him to agree. we still haven't gone, though since he lives 3 states away right now. I'm seriously considering just leaving, but I am scared of what that may mean for me financially. I don't know what the answer is. I wish I did.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Ok, listen....if you think you have already thrown in the towel so to speak...do not stay because you are afraid. I did that years ago and regret it a LOT. Live your life with no regrets. It will be hard at first, but you WILL make it and be just fine. You may just have to adjust how you spend money  The money issue is a big fear of mine also, but I have kids, and I know I would not be able to support them financially like he can...I havent worked in 12 years and have no degree or any real skills when it comes to the work force. So, be happy you don't have kids......that would make your decision even harder.

Who knows, maybe you will leave him and he WILL loose the weight, maybe he will finally come around and figure out what is important. 

I do not like to promote leaving a spouse...but...having been through the same thing for 20 years.....if its that important to you, get out while the getting is good  You will be more frustrated after 20 years of marriage than you are now. I talked myself into believing that "oh, it will get better the longer we are together"...WRONG!!! Now I am in my 40's, time is running out, and i keep asking myself "what if" I had left him when I origianlly wanted to?, where would I be now and would I have found someone I feel an equal to or comfortable with?

BUT...if you in your deapest parts of your heart do still love him for who he is...then you have to do something to make him see that his weight is effecting you in a bad way. I wish you luck and keep us posted


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Ok, listen....if you think you have already thrown in the towel so to speak...do not stay because you are afraid. I did that years ago and regret it a LOT. Live your life with no regrets. It will be hard at first, but you WILL make it and be just fine. You may just have to adjust how you spend money  The money issue is a big fear of mine also, but I have kids, and I know I would not be able to support them financially like he can...I havent worked in 12 years and have no degree or any real skills when it comes to the work force. So, be happy you don't have kids......that would make your decision even harder.
> 
> Who knows, maybe you will leave him and he WILL loose the weight, maybe he will finally come around and figure out what is important.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for that reality check! I know I need to get out of this relationship before it is too late for me. I just turned 34 and am feeling the clock ticking. Honestly, I have to be realistic if I want kids...I don't want them with him. And I have to move across the country to a place where I have no friends or family--just him to look at all day. 

Part of me doesn't respect him. He never denies himself a thing. He never gives to charity, never recycles, never turns unused lights off in the house, always eats out. He is very selfish. Although he has helped my family out and would do anything for his family and friends, if asked. so I don't know. 

I have already told him at least 5 times that it is over, but somehow he keeps weaseling his way back in and I tell him well maybe we can try to work it out and go to counseling. Honestly, I don't see counseling helping us much. We have way too many issues and most of them have to do with him needing to change. In my experience people do not change that much. They can put on a big show for a while, but then it is back to the same old guy. 

He is looking for an apartment for us, so I need to tell him in the next day or so--which I am dreading.

Anyway, thanks for your opinions here...your perspective is greatly appreciated!


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

michzz said:


> If he got that stomach reducing operation and dropped 150 pounds, would you feel differently?
> 
> If not, time to formalize the parting.
> 
> ...


He would never agree to that operation...it has come up before. Honestly, it is hard to tell if I could see it working out if he did get it--it is sooo difficult to decipher which problems are related to his weight and laziness.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

That's the thing, if he doesn't have his behavior and thought process in check, he might put all that weight back on after the operation anyway.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As I said here, a recent event changed my mind on this topic: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/5583-ive-changed-my-mind.html


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> As I said here, a recent event changed my mind on this topic: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/5583-ive-changed-my-mind.html


Haha, yeah, I read that the other day. Thank you for your insight into this. I wonder what my husband would think if the roles were reversed. My guess is he wouldn't be saying "It's ok, honey, I find you attractive no matter what, fat or thin... "

He has actually told me that the reason he is always after sex is because I am thin and take care of my appearance. If I would just gain weight and stop shaving, etc. then he would not be after me all the time. I wish he would take a look at himself and understand that is exactly why I do not want sex from him. Why can't he see it from my perspective?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> Why can't he see it from my perspective?


He has a mental problem. He refuses to see that his own behaviour is standing in the way of what he wants, and perhaps more importantly, his own life expectancy.

The power of food is strong, but we lend it most of it's power. I try to watch what I eat, but I have found that exercise allows me to enjoy food but keep my weight stable. The trouble is I'm a very laid-back kinda guy. If I run round the park, my heart-rate does not go up all that much. 

I just measured now (eating breakfast) - it's 56 bpm.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> He has a mental problem. He refuses to see that his own behaviour is standing in the way of what he wants, and perhaps more importantly, his own life expectancy.
> 
> The power of food is strong, but we lend it most of it's power. I try to watch what I eat, but I have found that exercise allows me to enjoy food but keep my weight stable. The trouble is I'm a very laid-back kinda guy. If I run round the park, my heart-rate does not go up all that much.
> 
> I just measured now (eating breakfast) - it's 56 bpm.


You are right...it is completely mental. He is the type of guy who prefers to eat out for almost every meal. I can't stand this...it is a waste of money, but more importantly, he never holds back on what he orders..appetizer, meal, coke..and then has room for desert. I told him this has got to stop, but he says all his friends do it, and it is normal! So..if he isn't willing to give that up, then I have to see that as him not trying that hard to lose the weight, despite his declaration to the contrary.

I did my best for 5 years to spare his feelings, but now I realize I was only enabling him. He thought once he married me he didn't have to try anymore (he has actually admitted this). Even with his obesity we still had sex every other week, on average. I guess I don't like conflict...so I gave in, even though he could tell I wasn't ever really turned on much. Now I am realizing that the reason I am still with him is because I am too nice--disregarding my own needs for the sake of harmony. 

So I've decided to leave him. I don't feel that I owe him anything anymore. He needs to realize the impact his weight has on his life. It effects his happiness, energy level, sex life, and health. If I knew my life would be better if I lost weight I would do it ASAP! No whining. I guess everyone is different. 

For a while, I was feeling guilty about leaving him, as this is my first marriage. Now I am not so concerned about this anymore. I don't owe anyone anything in this life. We don't have children so we are not hurting anyone. He actually said if I left him he would get in shape and join the air force! So there you go...:scratchhead:


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> So I've decided to leave him.


Make sure you tell him why - that way he can learn from his choices.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Make sure you tell him why - that way he can learn from his choices.


Oh, he knows. I have told him why and I think he understands it now. We have been talking about it since last summer.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> Oh, he knows. I have told him why and I think he understands it now. We have been talking about it since last summer.


That's nearly a year. Clearly he does not take you seriously.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Grats on making a decision sunny, best of luck to you


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> That's nearly a year. Clearly he does not take you seriously.


Yep...this is why I am leaving. I can't imagine why he wouldn't make it a priority to better his health, and in turn positively influence every other aspect of his life. I think food has been his comfort through a tough childhood and he associates food with brief happiness. In fact, everyone comments on how much nicer and happier he is when he has a plate of food in front of him. I guess we all have this response, but for him it's like a different person emerges. 

Once I have left him, he will make a decision--he will either choose food to comfort him and stay depressed OR he will see an opportunity for a positive change. Either way, it is out of my realm of responsibility anymore. In reality, it has never been my responsibility to make him happy, or to try to get him to change. All I can do is to help him see the error of his ways and hope that he will take it seriously before it is too late. In the end, I can say that I did my best.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Grats on making a decision sunny, best of luck to you



Thanks, Sprite!


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

So I told him it's over. He got argumentative and started to cry...I feel so bad right now. I brought up the weight thing again and he got really hurt. He said I knew that he was overweight when I married him and that I am breaking my promise. The thing was...I felt that I married him because of who he could be, not who he was. I saw potential in him that he did not see in himself and I thought I would be a positive influence- after all , he wasn't always overweight. He had attended a prestigious naval academy on a full scholarship for football and won the state championship in discus. I didn't know until a few months after marrying that he was not about to change his habits, ever. This was my mistake. Next time I will never get involved with someone unless they have all their ducks in a row. I'm apparently no good at helping people see the light.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> The thing was...I felt that I married him because of who he could be, not who he was. I saw potential in him that he did not see in himself


I know another woman who did this with man after man. It never worked for her, and now she is single and over 60.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I know another woman who did this with man after man. It never worked for her, and now she is single and over 60.


Ack! I hope I don't end up that way! I think I have learned my lesson now. I don't expect anyone to be perfect--I am far from it. I do expect that my partner understands we are on a journey to better ourselves--not just to coast through life and acquire more stuff. 

I think his weight is really a bi-product of his personality-he doesn't like to deny himself any comfort. Even if he were to lose weight, there is the whole spending thing that has gotten us into horrible debt. He is always on a rampage to make a ton of money and I'm tired of money being the focus. He wants to take out a bunch of loans to parade around as a rich person, but then doesn't want to pay those loans back. He also could care less about the environment or helping others, besides his immediate family. 

I think I would rather be 60 and single than live another drama-filled day with this man. Thank you for your advice, Mark Twain! I really do appreciate your help...


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

cone said:


> How old are you both?


I am 34 and he is 31.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

*An update...*

So my husband's controlling, jealous ways have reared their heads again... 

Last Sunday night I didn't reply right away to his texts right away because I had been in a movie and forgot to turn my phone back on (it was only 4 hours before I realized my phone was off). He freaked and threatened to call the police to do a wellness check. He didn't end up calling the police but instead got in his car and drove 1300 miles to our city (19 hours straight, having left at 3:30 AM!). What is wrong with this guy? 

Now he is staying in a hotel in town here. He says he just wanted to hear from me personally that it is over. I told him that seeing me would make it more difficult, and of course it has. Last night he called at 11pm saying he was just outside and wondered if he could come in and take the dog to the hotel. Hmmm....well, i told him it was strange that he would come here so late just to get the dog. I personally think it was a booty call or he was checking up on me. Grrrr.


----------



## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

*Re: An update...*

Ok...so now it is Thursday and he is leaving tomorrow. He has been staying in a hotel. We went through the divorce documents today at lunch. Throughout the conversation he kept trying to get me to change my mind, but just seeing him has reconfirmed I am doing the right thing. There is no feeling there. 

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. It has given me the courage to do something I thought I would not have the strength to do. I may have wasted a few more years of my life in this unhappy marriage, but now I have the freedom to move on from this.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*Re: An update...*



sunnygirl said:


> I personally think it was a booty call or he was checking up on me. Grrrr.


You think he can pick up girls in his condition?


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I am facing a similar situation, but longer down the road of marriage...it just gets harder the longer you wait. It is difficult feeling stuck. I have felt the same way about my husband for a long time but I keep trying to look for the good qualities that have kept us together. In fact I logged on today to try to sort out a decision that I must make, but I read your post and can really empathize. If you do not have children and are living apart, I would stay apart because you cannot really see him, you only see the fact that he is overweight. Sexual attraction in marriage is often elusive,at least for me. There are so many factors that are part of marriage - friendship, support, love, companionship - but unless you and he want to be married without sex, tell him what you love about him and what you have come to respect or admire, BUT it does not seem as if your bond is that strong anyway, if I were in your shoes, I would let him know you do not love him the way you want to love a husband and move on now.


----------

