# I'm on the verge of leaving



## ItsColdToday (Feb 24, 2015)

My W's behavior scares me. I don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to.

We probably have one major fight every 2-4 weeks, and it is usually for minor things. We don't have fights over big problems. Our finances are ok, no kids, no affairs, etc., which makes our fights even more disturbing to me.

The latest fight occurred over the weekend in the city. It was snowing pretty hard and I didn't bring anything to cover my head. My W kept asking if I wanted her hat and I kept saying no. She asked (nagged) me again and I said, "Fine, give me your damn hat" (in an irritated and ungrateful tone). Well, this pissed her off. Yes, I was a jerk and I did apologize. She seemed to accept this and we moved on.

On the drive home, it is dark and snowing with some ice on the road. I don’t know how to get home so my W is giving me directions. At one point she said "Take that ramp", and I said "Yes, yes". She interrupted my tone as "shut up, I know where I’m going", which not even close to how I was feeling. I repeating tried to explain that she took it the wrong way, but she is not buying it. Now she is pissed at me again for just trying to help. I was pretty anxious at the time because of the traffic and weather so my tone could have been bad.

I break the silence by asking my W if the mall we are driving by is xxxx (I'm new to the area). Then she goes into a tirade about what an idiot I am and what a stupid question that was because I wasn't even close. Then things really escalate when I tell her she's being the jerk now. Screaming ensues (she lost her voice); she is calling every name in the book; cussing at me; yelling about things earlier in the night and in the past. I'm screaming back, but I'm not cussing at her or putting her down.

The next day, I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek as a peace offering. She stands there like a statue and does not reciprocate. She is very stubborn and does not easily forgive and forget. 

This is long and boring story, but things like this happen all the time. Something minor occurs and we cannot resolve it before it explodes.

When we argue, she yells (really loud) and cries; most of the time I don't yell or cry. I usually sit there patiently trying to be calm to help defuses the situation. (or just mentally curl in up the fetal position unit the yelling stops).

She is really angry at me for not taking responsibility for the pain I cause her. I am manipulating her; not admitting wrong; I’m causing her to think that she is crazy. The funny thing is this is how I feel about her.

I can't seem to reason with her or complain to her about things she has done wrong. She is very quick to anger. It stuns me how quickly she turns on people. It not just me, she is like this with her family, colleagues, and friends to a lesser degree. She really thinks other people are the problem.

I've been reading about BPD on this forum and it really stuck a chord with me, but I really hate thinking that she's "crazy" and none of this is my fault. It's too easy. But I wish other people could witness these fights.

Last night I told her I would be leaving for a while and her response was that I was "one upping" her.

This morning when she left for work she said, "I really hope you leave, but I want you to stay". Not an exact quote, but close enough.

Later I get a text saying "I don't want you to leave. But if you feel that is best, I'll support your decision".

I am a coward and don't want to leave. She was repeatedly said I have "no balls".

She won't go to couples counseling. I need to work on my "own sh**".

I moved to her home state. I kept my job and I work remotely from home. I have no friends or family out here. On most days my only human contact is my W. 

Anyway, sorry this is long. I needed to express myself somewhere.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Wow, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My ex was diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder - often goes hand in hand with BPD so I understand how someone can be 'crazy' when you two are alone yet perfectly normal and charming in front of others. 

Would she attending counseling with you if you say you need her to explain to the counselor what's going on with you from her perspective? Just as a way to lure her in? Because otherwise there really won't be any help. You should go to find out how to deal with her behavior and how to set your own boundaries - both of which will be helpful whether you stay or go. 

But her not willing to work on your marriage is a bad sign. Maybe she thinks she doesn't have a problem or maybe she's afraid her weaknesses will be uncovered/exploited but either way a marriage takes two to fix and only one to break so it's not looking good.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no kids, not a lot vested , crazy spouse.

no friends or family close by. I think leaving for a while (which should turn into forever) is a good idea.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long have you been married? how old are you both?


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## ItsColdToday (Feb 24, 2015)

I am 40, she is 37. We been together for 4 years and married about a year and a half. These problems have been consistent throughout our relationship.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

When you have a history of this kind of bad communication it can be hard to tell where it "starts." I do notice that in one of the two exchanges you describe, you got needlessly testy with her (over the hat), and in the other, it sounds like she perceived you being testy when you weren't. That doesn't mean her reactions aren't OTT. But it sounds like you're both getting defensive with each other and getting into a kind of cycle. None of that excuses her abusive speech toward you, just noticing that there may be a dynamic at play. I'm wondering why her offering you the hat annoyed you so much -- did she seem controlling or overbearing? Is that a common thing between you?

Regardless of whether its her fault, your fault, both, or neither, the question is whether the relationship (1) can be saved and (2) is worth saving. You don't have kids, you don't have anything that would make divorce impossibly painful, and the problem has always been there, so it's not going to be easy to change if it can be changed at all. 

Only you know whether the good outweighs the problems for you. Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. You sound unhappy, but the internet can't decide for you. Regardless of who has the "blame" it's possible you're just not compatible -- having partial responsibility for a problem dynamic isnt' a real reason to stay, that's like staying out of guilt.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> no kids, not a lot vested , crazy spouse.
> 
> no friends or family close by. I think leaving for a while (which should turn into forever) is a good idea.


You are in an abusive relationship. Are probably co-dependent.

You cannot fight back on this level without being abusive yourself.

How do you feel about that?

There is so much automatic behavior now that it would take the two of you to commit to resolving this, and that would include counseling.

If you do this alone (which I think you will have too), it will put a great strain on your relationship as you set boundaries and refuse to participate in the drama. She may never come around and she will paint you are the bad guy, which you will just have to live with.

Or you could follow the ever trusty chillymorn's advice, but you should still do some work in counseling to address some of these things in yourself.

Good luck


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Google narsasitc personality disorder 

There is a list of things to look for in a person who has NPD. I bet she fits the profile really good. 

There is no cure and her not going to counseling and telling you, you need to fix your sh!t is telling. 

Only way out is to run as far away from this marriage as possible. Sucks saying that but I've read tons of stories. And survivors say it was the only way. 

Stop feeding the vampire. Never appologies to her for her starting a fight. That's what she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItsColdToday (Feb 24, 2015)

Why didn't I want the hat? Well, I really don't have a good reason. She tends to be controlling and I was pushing back. I was already wet and wearing a goofy hat was not going to help much. She was not in a very good mood prior to this, so she took this slight and vented her frustration on me.

I want to save this marriage. I don't know if it can be. Our problems seem so easy to fix on surface.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Or you could follow the ever trusty chillymorn's advice, but you should still do some work in counseling to address some of these things in yourself.

It dose seem like I am quick to pull the trigger I just call them like I see them.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Decorum said:


> You are in an abusive relationship. Are probably co-dependent.
> 
> You cannot fight back on this level without being abusive yourself.
> 
> ...





ItsColdToday said:


> Why didn't I want the hat? Well, I really don't have a good reason. She tends to be controlling and I was pushing back. I was already wet and wearing a goofy hat was not going to help much. She was not in a very good mood prior to this, so she took this slight and vented her frustration on me.
> 
> I want to save this marriage. I don't know if it can be. Our problems seem so easy to fix on surface.


who cares why you did not want the hat. if you said no thanks she should have accepted it.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Google narsasitc personality disorder
> 
> There is a list of things to look for in a person who has NPD. I bet she fits the profile really good.
> 
> ...


Not trying to be a jerk (believe me), but it's "narcissistic" behavior.

You know how "Googling" is - one letter off gets completely different results...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

ItsColdToday said:


> *Why didn't I want the hat? Well, I really don't have a good reason.* She tends to be controlling and I was pushing back. I was already wet and wearing a goofy hat was not going to help much. She was not in a very good mood prior to this, so she took this slight and vented her frustration on me.
> 
> I want to save this marriage. I don't know if it can be. Our problems seem so easy to fix on surface.


You don't NEED a good reason.

People who try to control other people to the point of them having to defend themselves is a little overboard. I take that back - they're a LOT overboard.

I hate to say this so bluntly, but I think your W has no respect for you at all. Nada, zilch, zero.

Standing up for yourself is a very good first step, but believe you me, it is a FIRST step...

Good luck, OP.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

ItsColdToday said:


> Why didn't I want the hat? Well, I really don't have a good reason. She tends to be controlling and I was pushing back. I was already wet and wearing a goofy hat was not going to help much. She was not in a very good mood prior to this, so she took this slight and vented her frustration on me.


Yeah, I was guessing that, because it just goes along with the dynamic it sounds like there is between you -- almost like you're the dependent child and she's the mom. 

She is not willing to go to counseling, so you only have two options: (1) you can work on yourself, and how you respond to her/deal with her (2) you can leave. 

You say you want to save the marriage. You haven't really said why, but that's what you claim to want. You can't make her less controlling or less prone to anger, but you can build up your confidence and your self-esteem and feel less threatened by her wanting you to wear a hat (which, to be fair, is an expression of concern, even if it's an annoying and mother-like one). You can learn not to put yourself in the defensive position, and you can learn not to fan flames, and you can learn to communicate your feelings to her in constructive ways. None of this is guaranteed to "save your marriage" but it's the only part of things in your control.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Not trying to be a jerk (believe me), but it's "narcissistic" behavior.
> 
> You know how "Googling" is - one letter off gets completely different results...


Oh I know Lonelyhusband. I have auto correct on phone and sometimes I don't pay attention to it if my phone changes word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I have seen many marriages that have come apart at the seams.....because of the communication you described. 

Too often people forget that simply being kind, patient, and mindful are really the basic building blocks of respectful communication. If a work college offered you a hat that you didn't want, you would respectfully decline while acknowledging the courtesy that was shown you. Being courteous and receptive to courtesy from your spouse can help keep small disagreements from escalating. 

Kindness begets kindness. But someone has to go first. 

Respect each other.....heck...I mostly call my wife Mrs. S***, or Ma'am (except in the bedroom). Mostly because of how and where I was raised...but courtesy goes a long way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Maybe I just interpreted OP's post about the hat differently, but he said "She kept asking...I kept saying no..." that sounds like she asked more than just once or twice. The man said no ffs, several times, I don't blame him for being a little "testy".

Not sure what you do now OP. I'm not someone that jumps straight to "get a divorce" but on the other hand it takes two to make a marriage work, you can't do it all on your own. At the very least you should insist on being treated with respect.

Regardless, counselling is a must for you - regardless of whether you decide to stay or go.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Is there an underlying reason why she could be mad N angry n trying to get over? 

Like an earlier affair?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Maybe the way say no to the hat was curt n rude which may sound like you don't appreciate her offer. 

Maybe you could told her you appreciate it but you rather her have it.... 

I didn't ask my ex H if he was cold assuming we all should wear our own inner warm underlayer n he was pissed with me for not asking Why he shivered. 

I told him it's obvious you shivered bcoz you r cold. N I won't know you didn't wear underlayer as I can't see what's under. 

He's pissed still. 

Strange. You get hang for asking. You get hang for not asking.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

ItsColdToday said:


> I am 40, she is 37. We been together for 4 years and married about a year and a half. These problems have been consistent throughout our relationship.


She was like this before you got married? Why would you marry her. You don't have children and haven't been married long, if I were you I would get a divorce.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Since she does not want to try marital counseling, it seems you don't have a realistic prospect for improving the relationship. What was striking and unusual was that there was nothing positive in your post.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

I know that you said she has had problems interacting with other people, but I am curious as to how her family interacts with each other. Do her parents, siblings (if there are any) have anything to say about her behavior? Does she get into these same fights with them?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your marriage is on the rocks. You are testy and your wife does not respect you, curses you, and calls you names. She refuses marriage counselling. You are lonely and frustrated. You are without friends nor family. You are at the end of your rope.

I suggest that you see a psychologist. You need to work on yourself and build your self-esteem. You are only 40 years of age. You deserve a peaceful life. You can chose to live this way or get out of your marriage. Your choice.


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## ItsColdToday (Feb 24, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Your marriage is on the rocks. You are testy and your wife does not respect you, curses you, and calls you names. She refuses marriage counselling. You are lonely and frustrated. You are without friends nor family. You are at the end of your rope.
> 
> I suggest that you see a psychologist. You need to work on yourself and build your self-esteem. You are only 40 years of age. You deserve a peaceful life. You can chose to live this way or get out of your marriage. Your choice.



This seems pretty accurate.

I want thank everyone for their response. I think deep down I know what needs to be done, but don't want to give up yet. I do love my wife and she many great qualities. It's just that 5% of her that is so destructive.

Last night I spent the night in a hotel and I received this text message this morning. "If you seriously and whole heartedly want to talk, take an honest look at your contribution to this and how I'm not always the villain. Then and only then will my anger subside enough for me to talk to you".

So, this is her typical mindset. I always treat her like the bad guy and never take responsible for my actions. I do apologize for my actions, but I also criticize her for what she has done. I guess my criticism negates my apology.

Another example of her mindset; she has said to me in the past when I disagreed with her decorative choices for our home; "When I hear that, all I hear is you don’t like me". 

My wife has informed that she has been seeing a counseling which is news to me. I'm happy she getting help, but why didn't she tell me? I don't know what kind of counseling she is getting.

I'm going to setup an appointment today with a couple's counselor. I will go with or without her.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

While it can't hurt to go to counseling before you decide to pull the plug on your marriage, the fact that she doesn't take responsibility for her behavior and blames it on you doesn't give me a lot of hope that she will change and your marriage will survive.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ItsColdToday said:


> This seems pretty accurate.
> 
> I want thank everyone for their response. I think deep down I know what needs to be done, but don't want to give up yet. I do love my wife and she many great qualities. It's just that 5% of her that is so destructive.
> 
> ...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Read Patricia Evan's books, especially "Controlling People" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Like today.

Personality disordered or not, someone is being verbally abusive. Learn to see it for what it is, as it happens, and to see the person doing it without looking through rose colored glasses.

Many people (including myself) accept poor treatment from a spouse. It sounds like you have been doing so. Get help, professional help, to understand if that is the case and why it has come to be. Only then will you have the wisdom to see your relationship clear enough to potentially turn it into something that isn't a burden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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