# Cheating and post-nup



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

My husband has cheated on me in the past year twice. I won't go into the whole storey, but I would like your views on me asking him for a post nuptual agreement.

He has great remorse and is doing what he can to get back my trust.

We are financially comfortable and in our fifties. I have only been working very part time in the past 10 years, so I don't have a steady source of income.

Do you think it is too much to ask that he sign a post nuptual agreement for the financial future stating how assets would be divided if he chose to cross boundaries again? This would include anything to do with another woman, including on line affairs, anything to do with sex on the computer (so many ways I don't even know them all), escorts, massage parlours, excessive use of porn. He has crossed some of these boundaries.

This agreement would be in my favour. It would leave him half his pension and a modest home for him to live in without a mortgage.

He would be able to live on this with no problem.

Am I being too harsh?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

REally? He's lucky you aren't walking out the door right now with half of everyting, if not more. No. You're not being harsh.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

candiegirl, 

I'm saying it would be more like 3/4 of all assets in my favour (not half).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

confused55 said:


> candiegirl,
> 
> i'm saying it would be more like 3/4 of all assets in my favour (not half).


even better!


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

Sorry you have to even be here asking about this. 

Take what's being offered. He wrecked your life and you need to rebuild. Being financially stable will help that process and you will be better able to focus on yourself.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

gee, funny how if a wife cheats she gets half, if he cheats(again) you want three quarters....marriage is a roll of the dice,i don't condone cheating, but three quarters is crazy..


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

To be fair, it will be the one who cheats will get 1/4 (this includes me).

He's the one who put the marriage in jeopardy and should probably get less than 1/4, but I don't want his kids or myself to see him that broke. At least he can have a nice condo, luxury vehicle and half his pensions for income. 

As far as I'm concerned, when you cheat, you are not entitled to anything and shouldn't expect it.

Might be harsh, but you have to think about these things ahead of time. People should stop in the heat of the moment and picture themselves broke and alone, it might change the decision they are about to make.

Should state it in the marriage vows.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have a post nup with my H who cheated as well, and I think anything more than half is not a fair agreement. 

If its more than half, then it isn't you worrying about making sure you can support yourself and any children, its about making the other person PAY. That seems unfair to me. 

Do you want him to be faithful because he loves you and can't live without you, or because he doesn't want to be broke?


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I have a post nup with my H who cheated as well, and I think anything more than half is not a fair agreement.
> 
> If its more than half, then it isn't you worrying about making sure you can support yourself and any children, its about making the other person PAY. That seems unfair to me.
> 
> Do you want him to be faithful because he loves you and can't live without you, or because he doesn't want to be broke?


I want him to be with me and not just stay for financial reasons (ie - afraid of losing everything). He will anyway.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

To be blunt, you give women a bad name. 

You haven't worked to gain half of what you have as a couple. 

You are not entitled to more than half of what is accumulated in a marriage. 

You failed as a wife and your husband strayed.

You have accepted his straying and decided to stay(knowledge of your failings as a wife perhaps), you know exactly where he stands and you think because you are pissed off at him that you are now entitled to take 3/4 of everything he has worked for and you have helped to build? 

Grow up and own your own mistakes. Either work with him to strengthen your marriage, or keep holding a grudge and placing all the blame on him. guaranteed if you keep guilting him, he will stray again, and my guess here is that is exactly what you want... AFTER you get your precious post-nup of course.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> To be blunt, you give women a bad name.
> 
> You haven't worked to gain half of what you have as a couple.
> 
> ...


-

Thanks for your comments, but these are some points I'd like to make -

- If we split up right now and all was equal, we would each get close to 700,000 dollars worth of assets.

- I make 10,000 dollars a year if I am lucky, husband makes 100,000 with all benefits and great pension.

- I am in an age bracket where people don't want to hire me because I am getting too old.

- Husband would find another woman within a few months to be with - he won't go near anyone without money or good earning potential.

-I have no intention of ever living with or marrying anyone again.

- I would like to help my single grown daughters financially in life, he hesitates to do this.

One last point is that I have inherited 300,000 in the past 10 years.


By the way, if I cheat, he gets 3/4.

As we know in divorce, the woman's life style goes down about 20% and the man's goes up 20% due to the fact he can make a good wage and keep it all for himself.

I love my husband, but he has proven he can't be trusted, so I need some reassurance of my future in case he goes off the track again.

I have asked him what could be improved in our marriage and the only thing he asks for is that we go on more holidays to Mexico together. I'm fine with that. We already were going somewhere once I year, now it will be more.

Honestly, I don't know who he is and what he's thinking anymore after thinking I did for 30 years.

We have both been to counselling. My counsellor told me to get my finances in order and take charge of my life more. She agrees with the post nup and says he should be doing anything he can to assure me of the future.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

SO let's get this straight.... This is at least your second marriage and you don't have children together. You have barely worked in 10 years and understand that now in your 50's you will have a hard time finding work (probably won't try). Oh and you are wlorried about looking after your daughter from a previous marriage, with this husband's money. 

Your husband not only has cheated, but also in your books, going forward, cheating will means any form of contact with other women (no sex required), including looking at porn on the internet or maybe buying a Sport's Illustrated swimsuit issue.. 

Sure ask for 3/4's..... Sure he will be happy to sign off on it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd me the most remorsefull cheater the world has ever known if my wife found out and wanted a D.

There's no way in hell I'd sign such a post nup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

confused55 said:


> -
> 
> Thanks for your comments, but these are some points I'd like to make -
> 
> ...


So you, in your mid 50's could not live a comfortable life and help out your kid(s) with over 700k in assets and a 10k income?

Seriously????? I am in my mid 30's and could pretty much retire comfortably with that. With your sense of economy I am even more compelled to think that you had very little to do in creating the wealth that you enjoy. 

You seem to have skipped any mention of what YOU did, or didn't do, to create an environment whereby your husband was solely attracted to you and not tempted to stray. You did not go into any detail at all to cover any of the background. Your omission of these facts also speaks of your own failings. Avoidance at it's finest.

I know that you are from an older generation, but this sense of entitlement of yours resonates far more with the 'Y' generation than the baby boomers. 

You state in one of your posts that you want him to love you for you and not stay with you for fear of losing more than his fair share, yet you want to create a scenario that ensures exactly what you say you don't want.

You also say that you don't really know who he is any more, and that he only says he wants more holidays.... sounds like he wants to wind down and retire, so he is not looking to work till he is 65. With his income it is obvious that he has worked hard up until now. It also sounds like he has given up on getting what he wants from you for a happy marriage, I'd bet good money that he has actually been telling you all along and you refused to hear him, so therefore he chooses to tell you that something outside of you changing your behaviours will make him happy.

News flash. It is up to you, it always has been. Unless he is a deadbeat husband of course, but that would have shown up early in the marriage, not wait until now to surface.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mephisto said:


> You failed as a wife and your husband strayed.


You had me until this line. Sorry, no dice. Her husband made a choice, and a terrible one at that. that was not her doing. Was the marriage good beforehand? I don't know. Sure she owns half of the state of the marriage, but not his choice to step out on her. That was all him.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> So you, in your mid 50's could not live a comfortable life and help out your kid(s) with over 700k in assets and a 10k income?
> 
> Seriously????? I am in my mid 30's and could pretty much retire comfortably with that. With your sense of economy I am even more compelled to think that you had very little to do in creating the wealth that you enjoy.
> 
> ...


Okay, I'll give you a bit of background-

This was both our first marriage - married in 1981 - we have 2 daughters together, no other children.

We've had no problems in our marriage up til now. I asked him why he went down the path he did and he said he wanted variety in women (liked the 25 yrs olds with blonde hair and big breasts). Started with porn and then wanted to actually have one of them touch him so went to a an erotic massage place a few times when out of town.(This is all I actually have proof of).

I asked him what I can improve upon, he said nothing at all, everything's good, it was just his failings and looking at porn made him desire it.

Just to let you know, an average 3 bedroom basic bungalow home in our town is $600,000, groceries cost $1,000 a month for 2 people (basic food), and a basic low end car costs $22,000 new, gas is $5.00 a gallon. I know things are much cheaper in the states. Oh, and we pay 40% income tax.

This is why you need a fair amount of money here.

I know, everyone's life is different, and I'll tell you that what you know in your 30's is nothing like how you will be in your fifties. It's another world altogether.

Another universe actually


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

DawnD said:


> You had me until this line. Sorry, no dice. Her husband made a choice, and a terrible one at that. that was not her doing. Was the marriage good beforehand? I don't know. Sure she owns half of the state of the marriage, but not his choice to step out on her. That was all him.


True enough. But after 30 years of marriage he stepped out, he was not playing up for the previous 29 years. What changed? Judging by the age of the poster it was probably menopause and a loss of sex drive. I know I am assuming here, but there is nothing in the rest of her posts about this to refute it. The posts AVOID mentioning sex at all. Sex is important to 90% of men. 

My ASSUMPTION here is that she was already the LD spouse and then menopause kicked the sex out the window, the hubby was the HD of the two and was starved throughout the relationship, but dealt with it. When sex left the table he had NO outlet at all.

I am sorry if I sound harsh on this, but what has been left unsaid, speaks volumes. I do not condone cheating, but women REALLY need to realise that it is akin to communication and being told that they are beautiful, having their man listen to them and feeling validated by that. It is something that MOST men NEED to feel complete in their relationship. If you remove it you are effectively abusing your relationship. Cuts both ways.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mephisto said:


> True enough. But after 30 years of marriage he stepped out, he was not playing up for the previous 29 years. What changed? Judging by the age of the poster it was probably menopause and a loss of sex drive. I know I am assuming here, but there is nothing in the rest of her posts about this to refute it. The posts AVOID mentioning sex at all. Sex is important to 90% of men.
> 
> My ASSUMPTION here is that she was already the LD spouse and then menopause kicked the sex out the window, the hubby was the HD of the two and was starved throughout the relationship, but dealt with it. When sex left the table he had NO outlet at all.
> 
> I am sorry if I sound harsh on this, but what has been left unsaid, speaks volumes. I do not condone cheating, but women REALLY need to realise that it is akin to communication and being told that they are beautiful, having their man listen to them and feeling validated by that. It is something that MOST men NEED to feel complete in their relationship. If you remove it you are effectively abusing your relationship. Cuts both ways.


true, but look at my case. My H got PTSD really bad, and refused me sex. Then he cheated. I spent 3 years doing everything I could to fix it since he wouldn't get help. It wasn't until after the A was discovered that he got help and pulled his head out. You can't ASSUME anything with these things.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

confused55 said:


> Okay, I'll give you a bit of background-
> 
> This was both our first marriage - married in 1981 - we have 2 daughters together, no other children.
> 
> ...


I am not in the States, I am in a first world country with one of the highest personal tax rates in the world. I pay high taxes and work on the other side of the planet away from my family for more than 6 months of the year. I don't have a perfect marriage, but neither do I stray or pay for sex. I was raised old school.

Don't insult my intelligence by inferring that I know nothing of the world at my age, I have been to more corners of this planet than 98% of it's occupants, I have seen people living on less than $2 a day, I have seen marriages dissolve because one partner decides they can have MORE. I have seen my friends taken to the cleaners by their WS, simply because we work such long hours away from home. I and the others of my ilk do what we do to provide something beyond mere existence for our families.

You can try to justify your wanting more than a million dollars worth of cash/assets/pension from your husband any which way you like. At the end of the day, regardless of your desires, regardless of your husband straying, regardless of your wanting to aid your daughters, regardless of it all, nothing you have done warrants taking him to the cleaners, especially when you would both be well above average in an even split. It is selfish greed.

What I know, in my 30's, is that a person's age is simply a number, not an excuse to quit life. My wife's parents are in their 60's and work damn hard to improve their lives every day, even though they are independently wealthy. They inspire me daily. Quite the contrast to my own parents, who are just waiting to die, albeit with an extra 10 years on the in-laws. You create your own life, you work with what you have and move forward every day. I also know that a single fifty something year old does not NEED a $600k 3BR bungalow to live comfortably. I know that your food bills will be halved at least, and how often do you NEED to buy a new car????? 

Instead of asking your husband what you could do better, ask yourself that. Ask yourself what it is you need to find your own happiness. Ask yourself how you can be more fulfilled and fulfilling in your marriage. You may be surprised by the answers you find.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

DawnD said:


> true, but look at my case. My H got PTSD really bad, and refused me sex. Then he cheated. I spent 3 years doing everything I could to fix it since he wouldn't get help. It wasn't until after the A was discovered that he got help and pulled his head out. You can't ASSUME anything with these things.


Mental health issues are a whole different ball game. And when faced with a question with so many holes in the story, you have to assume a few things to give a response. If you answer only on what IS said then it is easy for the asker to get the answers that they want to hear. 

I am glad that your H got the help he needed. I hope that you guys have worked through it and can move forward.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You are not being too harsh. This is a very good idea because it shows him the reality of his actions and their effects on you.

After infidelity, I believe the marriage contract between two people must be re-negotiated. Usually, this is an emotional thing, but it makes perfect sense to lay it out on paper so that the boundaries are clear and he knows what he stands to lose if he hurts you again. 

Consult an attorney and a therapist as you construct your post-nuptial agreement. If you choose to work out your marriage, renew your vows and take these new concepts into account. This will drive home the point that you are gifting him with another chance and that if he crosses the line again, you won't tolerate it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mephisto said:


> Mental health issues are a whole different ball game. And when faced with a question with so many holes in the story, you have to assume a few things to give a response. If you answer only on what IS said then it is easy for the asker to get the answers that they want to hear.
> 
> I am glad that your H got the help he needed. I hope that you guys have worked through it and can move forward.


agreed that it is different, but I don't believe in any case of infidelity, that anyone should tell the BS that they simply failed at their end of the bargain or their spouse wouldn't have cheated. This is one of the oldest and most exhausted generalizations that some men apply towards women. Yet men themselves scream when they are put into a generalization. It would be the same as saying "All men are dogs and will cheat". Not quite a fair shake, eh? But I completely agree with the notion that she is owed 75%. Its excessive and unnecessary.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Mephisto -

Oh to be young again and think you know it all.

Believe me, I can see very bad things happening to you in your relationship/s in the next couple of decades

My husband seems like a real gem after reading your posts. His attitude is so much better than yours. 

I hope you intellectually and emotionally grow up in the next part of your life. You are going to see a lot of things happen that you have no idea about right now.

I wish I was a fly on the wall


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Confused55.....I don't think your going to find a thread on TAM that the vast majority of the members who take the time and effort to post their advice and or insight will agree with your plan and reasoning - it's not pro-WH or anti-BW or even anti-SAHM............it's that your idea works contrary to your stated goal.....if you persist you will destroy what you tell us you want to preserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

confused55 said:


> Mephisto -
> 
> Oh to be young again and think you know it all.
> 
> ...


Nice use of de-validation and deflection. Nice to know that you are also clairvoyant.

A husband who is a good provider and faithful for 29 years, that is the makings of a gem of a husband. A wife who is basically SAHM thinking she deserves 3/4... not so much of a gem.

The funny part about getting older, is that no-one knows what it will bring, so your statement above is moot. 

Another funny thing is that it has always taken two to Tango, you and your husband where fine for 29 years, then something changed... what was it? Why did the equilibrium shift? No need to tell me, just understand it for yourself, then you can start to forgive, before the bitterness creeps in any further and you decide you want 100% of everything to make you feel better.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I reread the posts so confirm I did not just make up things. You refer to one post to "his" children, and in another to "your" single daughters. The fact you don't refer to them as both your children is telling. They are grown daughters and you have only worked part time since they were in there mid-late teens, so I expect that you were a sahm. 

You have ignored any questions about sex and how you've changed and why this happened after 30 years and you have a remorseful husband who you want to punish. That is pretty clear. 

You are not going to get anywhere until you forgive him, look to yourself and what you need to do o move forward and make sure this doesn't happen again.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

havesomethingtosay,

Just to clarify what you are asking -

I didn't know that my husband was starting to view porn a couple of years ago. He suddenly, and I mean over about a month, started having no interest in sex, hugging, kissing, touching me at all. I asked him about it and he said he was just stressed over his new job that was taking him out of town a lot. I understood that.

I thought I would try some things like lingerie, special dinners, trips (Jamaica) and hotels. For a week in Jamaica, I was totally ignored romantically but he sure liked looking at the young girls on the beach. That's ok, but we were at a romantic couples resort so you'd think at night he might be interested. I even tried in the ocean, and in a kayak. Whenever I would try to initiate, he couldn't perform, said he was tired, and I felt bad for him. This went on for two years most everytime I tried. The odd time, he would comply but only wanted to be touched with handjob.

Now that this is all in the open, he said that viewing porn made him have an unrealistic view of women (they should be young, big breasted, small waisted). He said this was the only image that would get him aroused. Both him and his cousellor say he doesn't have an addiction.

Now, I am 55, blonde, average body weight (slim side) and in pretty good shape. I jog, ski, golf, do weights and yoga. Not that this matters, but just saying I'm not disgusting looking.

Since all of this came to light with him going to massage parlours while out of town, he has stopped looking at porn (I hope and he says) and things have improved a lot. He still has to close his eyes when with me but can now perform. He says its a work in progress and it is progressing.

I want to say that in the 30 years of marriage, I've turned him down for sex maybe 10 times. We've talked about this and he says he agrees that was not a problem.

"Our" 2 daughters are the same age as the girl he sought out for massages 24-26 (nude, body to body). We have not told our daughters about my husbands activities as we know it would not go over well and it would hurt them a lot.

He said if the girls ever suspect anything and need to be told something to say he had an affair with a woman in another town.

When this event was found out (by accident on email making appointment), I asked my husband what the problem was and if I could change in any way to help our marriage.

His answer was that I should be patient with him trying to forget about porn and start to connect to me again. He said everything else in our lives was great, so nothing else needed. So I have been patient with him, and we are trying to connect He told me how great a wife and mother I was and how I was his best friend. I have been patient with him, and we are trying to connect intimately 3-4 times a week. We are doing that, but he has problems with arousal at times still. 

We have both been to counselling. His cousellor has told him to just let go of the shame and guilt and move on, it's all ok now. Mine has told me to build a life outside of the marriage, so if this happens again, I will not be so devastated and have other things going on other than just putting all the energy into the family.

One more thing that is kind of unusual is that our daughters are at home a lot for meals, visiting, movies, etc a lot. Probably 3 days a week. My husband and I both enjoy this as we are a very close family and love being together. What I'm saying is that although they are grown, they are still very attached to the home so it's almost like they still kind of live at home.

I have worked since the girls were in their teens because I didn't need to be driving them to all of their activities and helping so much with homework then.

My husband was always away for work (about 3 months a year altogether) since the kids were born. We struggled with one income but didn't want the kids raised in daycare by somebody else so that we could just have more money. I always liked to be home so they could go to skating, dance, etc and have friends over after school for snacks.

The girls have thanked me for not working so many times I cannot count them, as they have seen how their friends with working moms have not had the same life. The friends families had the nintendos, hot tubs, designer clothes, SUV's, which they sometimes complained about, but have said having me at home has meant more to them.

We are well off financially now, but for most of our lives, we never went out to eat, would not buy clothes for 6 months at a time, no holidays, I babysat the kids friends after school, had garage sales to buy dance shoes and new bikes. You know, had to try to make ends meet.

I inherited some money from my parents 15 years ago when they passed away so we were able to take a trip to Disneyland and do a few other extras like buy a boat for wakeboarding and family outings.

I hope this gives you a bit more insight into the background when you are posting comments.

By the way, we are NOT rich.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you for the honest reply. This allows me to better understand and formulate an pinion. I don't think the post-nup makes any sense, but I now understand the pain and the dilemma. 

You are right to be upset with him and he needs individual counseling to understand what has happened and why he has done this. 

If truly it is porn that makes it difficult for him to keep it up and have sex without closing his eyes and fantasizing, then there is certainly deep issues to resolve. 

I wish you the best of luck.

BTW 3-4X's/wk at your ages sounds like it may be part of the problem...... Also turning him down 10 times in 30 years? Most of us are turned down that many times a month......


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I have a post nup with my H who cheated as well, and I think anything more than half is not a fair agreement.
> 
> If its more than half, then it isn't you worrying about making sure you can support yourself and any children, its about making the other person PAY. That seems unfair to me.
> 
> Do you want him to be faithful because he loves you and can't live without you, or because he doesn't want to be broke?


:iagree:

Disclaimer #1: My sense is that men don't cheat when they are well cared for sexually at home. Even if not, things have to be bad (not just a little off the mark) for an extended period before a man typically will cheat at all, much less to the extent you described.

Disclaimer #2: My belief system is that providing a satisfying sex life is part of the commitment of marriage - just as much so as financial fidelity, raising kids, etc. Occassional sex, "I'm not cheating on you and that is the only requirement of me", "hurry up and get it over with" sex, sex for procreation, "I will only do this and not that, that, that, that, or that" sex, etc. do not meet that standard.

That being said,

From a practical perspective, this could go south on you in a lot of ways. Let's say he proposes that:

1) you were terrible in bed and that you should only get 1/4 if you don't meet his need
2) it's not fair of him to support your lifestyle and you only get 1/4 if you aren't a Stepford wife or get a full-time job yourself. 

Or, let's say he just decides to cut his losses now and work another 10 years to rebuild after giving you half. See how this could go bad for you real quick?

To look at it from the side of resources, you have a $300,000 inheritance. Add that to the $700,000 you'll get in a divorce and that means you will have _one million dollars in liquid assets _if I understood you correctly.

Let that sit in the air: *one million dollars*.

True, your income is not great, but that might be because you choose to not work full time now that your kids are out of the home. You say that most companies would not hire you now, but have you tried? Or do you maybe mean that for any job you would like to have? I'll bet if you tried really hard you could get a job at Wal-Mart, Starbucks, or in a warehouse and double that $10k.

Look, I get that no one wants to see their lifestyle move backwards. And, I get that having to work and support yourself / your family in today's economy can be a daunting prospect (just ask your husband). But I think you are looking at this the wrong way.

You need to ask yourself "how can I get as much for myself as I can" less and "what can I do for him so that he really wants to be here with me" more. Because, any way you cut it, he's done a great deal for you. You don't have any kids with him, you hardly worked, yet you got to have a really nice lifestyle in exchange for... what exactly?

So, the essential question is do you really love him or is it really about keeping yourself comfortable? What would happen if he got laid off or hurt and you had to work or take a serious lifestyle hit? I suspect it's really about the money - hopefully I'm wrong.

If you look deep down inside yourself and decide that money is your primary motivation for being around (and you really aren't prepared to meet his needs in return) I would say you should divorce him and give each of you an opportunity to find someone more compatible.

ETA: Your husband says that your availability to him is not the problem, and that you've turned him down only rarely, but something still does not add up (esp. given that this appears to have become a problem relatively recently). Does he even feel comfortable telling you about perceived shortcomings sexually, or is he too afraid of you leaving to be honest with you? If he told you that your consistent behavior in bed made it bad for him, how would you react?

For instance, my ex made the sexual experience so bad that I simply stopped asking (although I looked at some porn, I never cheated, paid for sex, hired a masseuse, had a lap dance, etc.) She would try to limit us to just PIV and no foreplay, (then) complain about how unsatisfying it was for her, exhibit bad hygenie, pick fights, declare herself off limits when she felt I wanted too much, etc. but say she was not a refuser (because if I insisted she would relent). But because I did not want to anger her, she could pretend she did not refuse (or that her refusal was justified).

If any part of this hits home, there's a chance he is not comfortable telling you what he needs from you and you might have to help him to believe that you want to meet his need (assuming in fact you do want to do so).


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

DTO said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Disclaimer #1: My sense is that men don't cheat when they are well cared for sexually at home. Even if not, things have to be bad (not just a little off the mark) for an extended period before a man typically will cheat at all, much less to the extent you described.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify a couple of things -

We are the parents of 2 daughters - 24 and 27.
I am 56, he is 59.

The 300,000 inheritance is included in the total net worth we have. I bought a car (lexus) and a boat for him from the inheritance. 

I bought 2 investment condos also so we could have rental income. They have doubled in equity since the purchase.

My inheritance and the investments with it have made a lot of the total net worth we have.

I have bought all of the furniture, appliances, vacations, recreational gear (ski, golf), boat moorage, with my inheritance money(or I should say from the rent of the condos).

He pays for food, gas, taxes, utilities, his own clothes (not mine) and dinners out. I pay for the fancy dinners and all gifts we give to people.

If it weren't for my inheritance money, we would not have anything extra, just our own home and one car.

I've tried to make the most of the money my parents left me so that it will be there for my daughters when we die.

Keep on giving it to me. You don't know me.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

confused55 said:


> Just to clarify a couple of things -
> 
> We are the parents of 2 daughters - 24 and 27.
> I am 56, he is 59.
> ...


Of course I don't know you, and I can only post on what is given here. I apologize if I got anything wrong. Also, I see that I edited the post you quoted above after you started your response.

I seriously doubt you would have zero if not for you. True you might not have as much as you do now. Also, your husband could easily say his income kept the family going and allowed your inheritance to be preserved rather than consumed.

Let me ask the question another way. If you look at the financial contribution each of you has made during the marriage (for you that would be the inheritance and money you made from side jobs; for him that would be paychecks, retirement contributions from his employer, health insurance, Social Security benefits) who has contributed more and by how much? Do you resent that his earnings could not provide the desired lifestyle and feel that you thus deserve to get more than 50%?

Again, as we agreed, I don't know you. But, there are some red flags here. There are lots of women who have a classic "what's mine is mine and what's his is ours", "the man should take care of me first", and/or "he's had my body so he owes me" attitude; my ex has all three so I know. Such attitudes tend to manifest as a rush to get as much as possible when things go bad.

And, very little hardens a man's heart more than to hear his wife say that he owes her or is held to a higher standard simply for being the man. In all seriousness, insisting that he agree to give you 75% if he screws up again (in a one-sided manner without you giving some guarantees back) might make him think this and ruin any chance at salvaging this marriage.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Confused55, I think you are missing the point here. The emphasis is not about "giving it to you" it is about you figuring out where it went wrong, and what your motivation really is for this "post-nup"

Your communication with your husband has holes in it. You have admitted that you had no idea when he turned off from you. Why did he do that? What obstacles where in place to stop that flow of information between you and your 'best friend'? You can put it all onto him as much as you like, but any partnership runs two ways. Actions and Reactions.

I am sorry that my tone has been on the harsh side in former posts, but as I said, this type of me me me attitude has destroyed plenty of marriages of my colleagues simply because they work hard to provide a better life for their families. We sacrifice so much only to have it thrown in our faces that we are "not there" for our families. It strikes a strong chord, and my REACTION to that is strong.

Maybe your husband had a late mid-life crisis. Maybe he felt pressured to provide more because you expect a high standard of living. Maybe you didn't notice your husbands change in demeanour because you were focussed on something other than him. We don't know all of the variables that come into play, because relationships are complex. People are complex. Women are far more complex than men in my honest opinion, but that is because I can read and gauge most men very quickly and easily, as I have been in male dominated industry for a long time. Helps that I share the chromosome and am a logical and analytical thinker.

You are in a position in your marriage to be able to make it or break it. Your husband is in a weakened state and needs support, love and understanding to bring him back to you. Watch his reactions to you and you will find the right way, threatening him with taking 3/4 of everything will not help AT ALL.

Inspire, don't threaten.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

confused55 said:


> Just to clarify a couple of things -
> 
> We are the parents of 2 daughters - 24 and 27.
> I am 56, he is 59.
> ...


 If your true concern is to make sure that this happens ( that your daughters both receive some of your inheritance, etc.) then why not make that a stipulation instead.

"in the event of a divorce DD 1 will receive this condo and DD 2 will receive condo #2. I would think at that point they would be able to receive any monies from those purchases, right?


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