# Deeply unsatisfied with the sex life. Considering ending 14 years of marriage.



## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

This is a long and extremely complicated situation. I will try to make is as short as I can. 

We have been married for 14 years. I am 37 and he is 49, and we were 24 and 36 when we got married. We have a 13 y.o. daughter. 
During the years we have had our issues. The issues were various and they have been changing with the years.
Here is the latest one. For the last 3 years or so it has always been me who had to initiate sex. My husband typically wakes up early and immediately becomes busy with work, hobbies etc non-stop all day long. At the end of the day he says he is exausted and falls asleep. I've been bringing this up a lot but nothing changed. I was telling him that it is important for me to feel like a woman but nothing changed. He wouldnt tell me why he didnt have that much interest anymore. He would always say he was too busy which I dont believe is the cause. I've grown increasingly unsatisfied. We had sex probably once a week or more or less often and I would even have orgasms, but I did not feel like a young sexy woman anymore. 

Recently I almost left my husband for another man. I ended up having an affair with a guy who turned out to be an a..hole. I originally met him 2 years ago but started seeing him 3 month ago or so. I had an enormous chemistry for him. The sex we had was the best in my life. I've never experienced that with my husband. 
I did not lie to my husbands. When I first met this guy 2 years ago he told me how much he liked me. I told my husband about it and that I wasnt not happy and wanted to leave the marriage. At that time we just signed the contract for purchase of our new house. My husband got extremely mad at me and said I was going to screw everything up if I left. I told him that I've met with the guy. My husband did not want me to leave. He said lets let it go and move on. I tried. I havent heard from the other guy until just 3 months ago. And when I did I told my husband that. He was very passive about that, not even very angry. I believe my husband's coping mechanism is being passive and stay in denial, like nothing happened. I left and stayed with another man in a hotel for a week. It was the best time in my life. I was madly in love. The sex was mindblowing. But the man apparently used me for sex and money, and when he no longer needed me he dumped me in a most cruel and heartless way. I now understand that he was a narcissistic sociopath who also has criminal history. Neverless I have extremely strong feelings for him and still miss being with him. I've done counseling but I am not completely over him in my heart. Realistically I understand that he is a j..k and that he will hurt me again if I let him back into my life. 

After the guy broke up with me I returned to our house. My husband was emotionally supportive. He said "I told you the guy was a j..k". He said most of all he cares about my emotional wellbeing, and if the other man was a good person "I would give you my blessings". My husband did not say if he wanted to continue the marriage or not. He said he mostly worried about me. 
I know we both love each other as family, friends, but not lovers. We trust each other. Even when I had an affair my husband knew about it. I mean we do not lie to each other. I was unfaithful to him but I was not hiding anything from him.
There is no sexual passion in our marriage. The problem is that my husband is OK with it and I am not. It might be partially the 12 years of age difference. The other man was 1 year older than me, and it felt so great to be with someone my age. I felt so young and sexy with him. 
About the sex. If I didnt meet the other man I would never know what it feels like to have a great sex. Now I do. And it makes it impossible for me to go back to the marriage we had before even though my husband is willing to. The other man was really into sex. We could do it day and night for very long time. He was very rough with me. My husband is not and cannot be. He does not have that kind of rough male energy about him. He is much more gentle which to me is great in relationship but not in bed. So, it is not something he can learn. He is just not into sex anymore. 
It scares me to think that I am only 37 and will never experience great sex again. But it also scares me to leave the man who loves me and who I love and never find another man who will be as loving but who I can also have satisfying sexual relationship with. 
I have a career in a medical field and make good money. My husband owns a business that does not bring much income. This has brough a lot of stress and tension into our marrage during the last few years and might partially explain the loss of our sexual interest towards each other. We were able to qualify for the house only because of my income. If I leave my husband might have difficult time paying for it. He wants to bring roommates because if we sell this house he will not be able to qualify for a house with only his income. 
Otherwise we do not fight. I should say we no longer fight. I personally am too tired of fighting about the money. My husband's answer is always "I dont have the money right now". During the last 3 years he literally hasnt opened a single bill. I manage all bill paying and pay most of them myself because I got tired of asking him for the money. I am burned out. Honestly, even if he became a billionaire right now it wouldnt make any difference. I no longer care because I am too tired. I care about my husband's wellbeing and want to make sure he is financially stable. He says when I told him I was leaving, at first he felt angry but then relieved because he realized how tired he was taking care of my emotional wellbeing. I asked if he thinks he can find another woman. He said he is not too concerned about it because he doesnt have as much drive as when he was younger, that he is more settled, has lots of hobbies and support. Which I cannot understand, because my drive is going up instead of down. 

I would greatly appreciate any advice.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Do both of you a favour and divorce. It's the kindest thing you can do for your h. in the long run. No man wants a wife that is there for pity or finances.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

It is concerning that he seems to not mind losing you, was so willing to let you move on your way with another man if he is a decent guy, etc. If that is really how he feels, you'll have to either accept it or move on. I also think it's possible that it is just an act, and that your returning to him after that week just shows him that it worked and he might think that you're now MORE secure with him now that you've stepped out and been hurt by an *******.

With you being as prone to cheating as you are though, I'd say you need to separate and make clear to him that if nothing is going to change, that you aren't willing to keep moving forward with him. Put the ball in his court and see what he does for a few months. If he makes no effort to change your mind, then just move on for his sake.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

You are your husbands meal ticket.

Do you have no pride. Leave both these men. In fact avoid both these types of men.

If you continue your relationship with this husband and try to stay true to him, you will never be happy.

If you continue on a fwb with the lover, very soon you will be on substance abuse and then everything will go downhill.

You are in a bad spot, take care.


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## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the replies. 
1) I know my husband is a very good person. He would not stay with me only to keep me as his meal ticket. I know he wants to continue the same life style that he is currently leading. 
2) I think it is just the way he is, calm, not too many emotions involved into our relationship.
3) I dont know how long I would be able to be OK without having my needs for intimacy met. That is the part I am not sure about. I have friends who tell me "At the end of the day all that matters is the trust". I agree, but the woman who says that is 55 y.o, and I am 37., and she admitted that her and her husband are not having sex too often. I dont think I am ready yet to give up on sex.


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