# Fallout from past sexless marriage



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well I sit here alone tonight, told the gorgeous Mr H that I needed some head space time.

It is more than 4 years post divorce from what was a sexless marriage. I thought I had healed, been to IC and am in a relationship with a man that will be my life partner. We are compatible in so many ways especially our sex life.

But sometimes it just hits me, I don't know if I will ever fully heal from the pain of my past life. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I get in a big tangle and a simple "I love you babe but I have to sleep or go to work or whatever" and I come crushing down.

*How have others that have gone on from a sexless marriage to a new life cope with perceived rejection?* The smart part of my brain knows it is not rejection, the scarred part of me gets worried. 

Didn't know what section to put this in, life after divorce, SIM?? So i put it here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just have to realize that you past is over and done now. And now you have met a man who wants to bang your brains out (praise Jesus!) Anytime you have those icky thoughts, focus on the positives!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Holland said:


> Well I sit here alone tonight, told the gorgeous Mr H that I needed some head space time.
> 
> It is more than 4 years post divorce from what was a sexless marriage. I thought I had healed, been to IC and am in a relationship with a man that will be my life partner. We are compatible in so many ways especially our sex life.
> 
> ...


Time and talking? My marriage was not sexless, but we were not having sex very often. We improved that and things are great. Yet we have times where life gets in the way and we don't get together or she tells me not tonight. And I can't always prevent myself from going back to that place that I hated.

For me, I can tell you it has lessened over time. Your scars are deeper, so it will take more time. Have you talked to your husband about this? Does he know what you are working through? Is there a place in the middle where he could reassure you while still honoring his needs as well?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My mental issues cause me to perceive rejection all over the place so I feel for ya about this sex thing. 

The only thing that works is having a sit down with myself to think about the reality vs what my brain is making up. Logic is the only weapon against a scarred mind.Reminding yourself of all the times your husband wasn't tired and wasn't busy with work will help too. 
"Yes he's tired right now but he's not rejecting me.Just yesterday he was chasing me down and ravaging me with enthusiasm.I KNOW he will be doing the same thing after he gets rest."


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

It's a hard thing to do. I do the same things, but I have less time out of the sexless marriage than you. I have noticed that as time passes I feel that way less and less. With every gesture that shows her sexual attraction for me, the negative self talk gets quieter. 

I think JB is right. Focus on the positives. Pick some good memories of things he's done that made you feel amazing, sexy, and wanted, and build your happy place out of those. When you feel rejected focus on those memories and how you felt and realize that 99% of the time this man DOES make you feel that way.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I know just what you mean, Holland. I was in a long term (25+ year) sexless marriage, and finally ended it. I moved on to find a wonderfully compatible HD woman and we have an incredible sex life. However, even after 14 years of this, the damage from my prior relationship can occasionally create a minor insecurity. This normally only happens in those very rare circumstances where we don't have sex for a few days. The reasons are good, of course, and experience has shown that they are always valid, but there is still a trigger based on my prior relationship. It has faded over time, but is still there - and may always be there. We are both aware of it, and mitigate it however we can. Intellectually, I know there isn't any rejection involved, but emotionally, there is still a hit from that past damage.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thank you all so much, such wonderful people 



> Intellectually, I know there isn't any rejection involved, but emotionally, there is still a hit from that past damage.


 yes this is exactly how I feel. I can rationalise it, life is busy but then the irrational creeps in.

Mr H is great, we have had many discussions about this and he "gets" me, he is patient, kind and loving. I have a lot to be happy and greatful for.

I am going to remember the suggestions here and use them when I feel frightened about the perceived rejection. I know it is not real rejection.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Thank you all so much, such wonderful people
> 
> yes this is exactly how I feel. I can rationalise it, life is busy but then the irrational creeps in.
> 
> ...


Holland, you know how eerily similar our stories are, just different genders. You and I come from very similar places, and have arrived at a very similar destination. It should be no surprise to you that I have felt the same things as you. The thing that has helped me the most is what has already been said. I have to change my mindset. Don't fight the feelings...turn your bow into the wave and let them wash over you. When I do, I can hear my STBW gently whispering in my ear, reminding me of all the things she says and does to make me feel loved, adored, respected, desired.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

What generally helps me is to keep in mind that the rejection that was such a big part of my formerly married life was hurtful because it was a pattern. There was no "not tonight, babe", it was more like "not this year, babe". Then I can have a think about it all and realize that the occasional begging off is definitely not a pattern, that if I were keeping that schedule/project/whatever, I'd be wiped out too. 

What I also find interesting is that I have such a paranoia in the other direction too--that I have to be hypervigilant about making sure that I'm not the one slipping on the physical front as well.

It's all like a bruise, isn't it? It's all fine until you poke it by mistake and then it hurts like a son of a gun!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Woke up this morning feeling very blue and sorry for myself but with a much better attitude about this.

It is sad to see that you all understand this odd place but very comforting to know I am not alone. 

Sam it is strange how similar our stories are. You have such a great handle on the situation, all the best to you.

CO. it feels like a gaping wound ATM, maybe that is what I need, for it to be really bad so I can then make a major leap past it to a better place of recovery. 

Today is a new day


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Sometimes I think that's exactly what it takes. Especially to get it to some kind of a place where it's just a part of the past and its story.

Glad today is better for you!

ETA: I think there's something in the air, too. It seems like a lot of us around here have had a case of the blues just kind of out of nowhere. Hopefully it passes for us all!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Holland your post makes me sad, but for a different reason: my husband was in your shoes for ten years before we reconciled last year, and he still struggles with "triggering" about rejection from me. 

I don't reject him anymore without a very good reason, and our sex life is back to excellent, but I think he'll always carry the scars. 

Do you talk to your husband about this? At first after we reconciled, my husband had a hard time separating what he thought was going on (rejection) to what was really going on (I'm tired, ill, or just grumpy but it has nothing to do with him, and I'd be happy to have sex with him). He'd react by withdrawing from me emotionally without telling me why, and that would create more problems.

He's better now about telling me when he triggers on perceived rejection. We talk about it, and it seems to make him feel better to know that I understand what's going on in his head. 

I don't know: maybe this just works for us because we were in that low-sex marriage _together_; but you are started over with someone new. Still, does your current husband feel isolated when you trigger like this? Does he tend to feel like you're withdrawing from him for something that is not his fault, or does he give you the space and understanding? I guess what I'm getting at is: is your triggering on this bad for/cause problems in your current marriage? 

I don't like it when my husband reacts to perceived rejection and withdraws, but I'm much, much more likely to accommodate him in ANY way since I'm the reason he has the trigger in the first place. Just wondering if your husband is able to accommodate your feelings lovingly. I hope so.

ETA: This discussion is very interesting to me, and I want to thank you for posting it. I want to pay attention as my husband recovers his confidence with me sexually. He's come a LONG way in this past year, but I know he has to fight hard against old habits. I'm always on the look out for new info that can help me help him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> Holland your post makes me sad, but for a different reason: my husband was in your shoes for ten years before we reconciled last year, and he still struggles with "triggering" about rejection from me.
> 
> I don't reject him anymore without a very good reason, and our sex life is back to excellent, but I think he'll always carry the scars.
> 
> ...


This is a very interesting post from a slightly different point of view. Thanks for sharing.

In my case, my STBW is well aware of what I went through in my marriage and goes out of her way to allay any triggers knowing full well she is cleaning up the mess another woman made. I think the thing that make it easier for us, and I suspect Holland's situation is similar is that there is never any sense of duty on my STBW's part for the sole purpose of trying to relieve triggers for me. Her desire for me is genuine, and the few days we have not had sex, we have gone out of our way to reassure the other that it is not rejection. I also suspect things are different for me in this situation because I am a man and the general mindset of who's job it is to initiate. Before me, she never really learned to initiate because she never had to. That aggressive initiation is something I need from her from time to time, and she has delivered in spades.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Gettinit your story is really interesting, not often do you hear about a couple that comes back from a sexless marriage. 
My ex and I never discussed this post divorce, he is an emotionally inept man (although he is a very good man) and I still care deeply about him.
My partner Mr H has a high EQ and we are able to discuss this issue and are good at getting past it in small but positive steps. It is hard for him as he is as Sam says "cleaning up the mess another man made". He has taught me that his way of showing love is by making love which is wonderful but the flip side is that when I go back to my base point of feeling rejected it pains him terribly to think he has hurt me. 
He does accommodate my feelings and has done things like writing me a letter to keep in the bedside drawer, it basically says that he loves me, desires me but sometimes needs to recharge, that when he does that he will be there for me.

I guess for us rejected souls it can be at times a constant need for reinforcement that is is not about rejection, it is about normal everyday life and that people get tired or busy but that does not mean the worst.

I know I need to let go a bit more and roll with everyday life without looking for signs that are not there. This is not a constant thing but hits sometimes.

Sam I really do think the dynamic can be quite different for men v's women in this respect. It was not till after I ended the marriage that I discovered that I was not a freak of nature, that many women are the rejected in a sexless marriage. It goes against all the supposed generalisations that we are bombarded with, men love sex etc, in some cases it just isn't true. I thought for years it was my problem but during IC I discovered that it was his problem and I had not only suffered with being in a sexless marriage but that I had put all the blame on my own shoulders and compounded the emotional pain.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Holland said:


> it is about normal everyday life and that people get tired or busy but that does not mean the worst.
> 
> .


:iagree: I wasn't in a sexless marriage but I can relate to this feeling. I think a lot of us can. I sometimes interpret the signs you describe above in the wrong way, and feel hurt and rejected for no reason.....


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Hope you're feeling better today, Holland!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks PS13, much better today. It really helps to know that others understand and that it is not just me losing the plot


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Holland said:


> Well I sit here alone tonight, told the gorgeous Mr H that I needed some head space time.
> 
> It is more than 4 years post divorce from what was a sexless marriage. I thought I had healed, been to IC and am in a relationship with a man that will be my life partner. We are compatible in so many ways especially our sex life.
> 
> ...


 Holland, I hear you, I am living it, and am starting to become worried that I have been damaged on such a. fundamental level that I will never recover, I know you don't like me because I rant about women, but basically it all boils down to her invalidating me as a man, and a human, with her daily rejection. It is a devastating thing, and I don't think those who.haven't experienced it understand how crippling such 24/7, year in year out rejection destroys you. Especially when it is from.someone.you want, and love absolutely. I.am ****ed, and will one day commit suicide, I fight it everyday,it has ruined me, and I have no answers to why she hurt me so much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Oh no Cro Magnon firstly I don't hate you, I don't remember interacting or arguing with you. If you have that impression I am very sorry. Forums for me are an outlet and if we have disagreed then it is not personal. Your post is devastating, please don't let your situation lead you to suicide, it is not the solution. I am mobile and low on battery please send me a pm if you want to chat or go and seek someone out to talk to. I remember the horrendous black hole but trust me there is a life worth living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You need to find your kilaminjaro and conquer it.

Write down your fears, put them in your pocket. Grab some lighter fluid and a pack of matches, and climb your mountain. When you get to the top, burn your fears to ashes and let them scatter in the wind.

My mountain was more symbolic in my head, but I burned my ashes there.

Hope you start feeling better!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

syhytying said:


> Well I sit here alone tonight,


Lol. Me too! And I'm ok with that now.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Holland, I hear you, I am living it, and am starting to become worried that I have been damaged on such a. fundamental level that I will never recover, I know you don't like me because I rant about women, but basically it all boils down to her invalidating me as a man, and a human, with her daily rejection. It is a devastating thing, and I don't think those who.haven't experienced it understand how crippling such 24/7, year in year out rejection destroys you. Especially when it is from.someone.you want, and love absolutely. I.am ****ed, and will one day commit suicide, I fight it everyday,it has ruined me, and I have no answers to why she hurt me so much
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


**BIG HUGS** Are you talking to someone about wanting to hurt yourself? 

There really are no answers that will make this any easier for you.You just have to get to a point where you realize she is a flawed human being just like the rest of us. I really hope you find peace in life and stop hoping to find it in death.There is no peace in taking your own life.


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