# I cheated on my husband.



## lynnlynn (Oct 2, 2013)

I have gotten myself in a real dilemma. I know I am the bad guy in this, but I am seeking advise to make it work.
I have been with my husband for the past 13 years since high school. Recently I bumped into my ex and after just an evening of re-connecting, without hesitation I started an affair that lasted 3 months. At first, it was suppose to be just sex, but in the past we were always more friends that happen to sleep together, so the relationship became more and I fell in love with him. I originally dumped my ex cause I was pressured from friends, and it's one thing I do regret. 
My husband has since found out about the affair. He was mad, but also surprisingly supportive and understanding since he knew he has taken our marriage for granted. For awhile my husband was going through personal problems that he would not deal with which made him unhappy and that made me unhappy, but we had a good life and I knew my husband loved me very much, and I was guilty that I did not love him anymore, so I stayed for him. Before the affair we even tried counseling but after a few sessions my husband refused to go. Me and my husband now understand we have problems, and we are working at them including counseling again. My concern is can he really change (can he make himself happy) and can I? Will he be better for a few months and then goes back to the old ways. I do not want to leave my husband for another man. I love my ex, which is also making it hard to move on since I have since broke things off with him, but I just cannot be with him. But the affair did show me there are problems that we need to deal with. In high school I went from relationship to relationship so I've never been alone. I know time will only tell, but I feel like I want to run, so I can finally try it on my own. How do I gain the strength to at least see if I can make this marriage work? Do we have a chance of making this work?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All anyone can tell you is that some couples are able to fix their marriages even when they go through unhappy times. There is a study where they followed unhappy couples for a number of years. Five years afterwards, 85% of the couples said that they were now happy. So that bodes will for you.

A lot depends on your underlying problems. Your husband sounds like he suffers from depression and it affects you. Then there is the affair. 

Some good reading for you two are:

Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley
His Needs, Her Needs


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry but I do not know what you want, you do not want to leave your h, then you say you love your ex, you are confusing people and yourself, I am not sure if you know what you want. You used to jump from a relationship to relationship, you sound like you cannot live alone and take a break for a short time and make up your mind?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your affair and your marital problems are two separate things. You unilaterally chose to have an affair and hurt your husband. He had no choice in it. 

You need to be showing your husband true empathy and remorse. Fixing the marital problems comes later. Right now your husband is bleeding to death inwardly and he needs your assurance the affair is over. That means you write a no contact email to your ex and let your husband read it. The letter needs to say you made a huge mistake and from this day forward he is to no longer contact you. 

You hand over all your passwords and account codes so your husband can look at your texts and e-mails whenever he wants. 

You give up any and all privacy. There is no privacy and no secrets in a marriage. 

You throw out everything having to do with the affair: clothes you wore for your ex, lingerie, gifts, etc. 

If you had sex with your ex in the marital bed, get rid of it and have a new one delivered. 

Have lots of sex with your husband. Lots. And if you won't do something sexual for your husband that you did for the ex, you better have a good reason why to explain it to him. 

Your husband is playing it cool, but you have no idea how much you have destroyed his sense of self and his manhood. No idea at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is you husband staying with you because he fears being alone?

I can't help but notice that you don't express any remorse for betraying and cheating on your husband.

In fact you seem to blame him for you betraying him, and are asking if he can change. What changes are you making in yourself?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I doubt highly you were a model wife. Ill bet if questioned your husband has a laundry list of the ways you have failed him over the years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you hoping we will tell you it's hopeless so you can dump your husband and run off to your ex?

Btw remember if theyll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Your ex doesn't have any problems having sex with a married cheater. That kind of says a lot of about the lowlife he is.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Are you hoping we will tell you it's hopeless so you can dump your husband and run off to your ex?
> 
> Btw remember if theyll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
> 
> Your ex doesn't have any problems having sex with a married cheater. That kind of says a lot of about the lowlife he is.


:iagree:
:iagree:


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## lynnlynn (Oct 2, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Your affair and your marital problems are two separate things. You unilaterally chose to have an affair and hurt your husband. He had no choice in it.
> 
> You need to be showing your husband true empathy and remorse. Fixing the marital problems comes later. Right now your husband is bleeding to death inwardly and he needs your assurance the affair is over. That means you write a no contact email to your ex and let your husband read it. The letter needs to say you made a huge mistake and from this day forward he is to no longer contact you.
> 
> ...


I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him. I have stopped contact with my ex. I have given up all privacy, and willing give over my computer and phone for him to look at. I have also gone to work with my husband from time to time so I am not left home alone to help build his trust. I have also got rid of the items that remind me of my ex. As for the sex, I enjoy sex, and the lack of sex from my husband was a big problem (part of his personal problems), but we are finding ways around that which satisfy my needs and his. I feel like we are doing everything right, but why does it still feel wrong? Will this go away with time?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> A. Recently I bumped into my ex and after just an evening of re-connecting, without hesitation I started an affair that lasted 3 months.
> B. the relationship became more and I fell in love with him.
> C. I originally dumped my ex cause I was pressured from friends, and it's one thing I do regret.
> D. I was guilty that I did not love him anymore,
> ...


Lynn, why do want to stay married to a man you don't even like? What you're doing is like holding on to an investment you made that's lost 90% of its value and will never come back. Get rid of your husband and try it on your own. Its really the only solution where both of you can escape this hell you've created for yourselves.


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## lynnlynn (Oct 2, 2013)

My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else. I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret, and I did tell my husband that. I am truly sad that I hurt my husband. And I am making changes, such as better communication. I should have told my husband these feeling before this occurred. Counseling didn't help, but I should have just come out and told him how I feel no matter how bad it would hurt him. I know I am not a model wife, and I have a lot of faults. But since this has occurred, my husband has acknowledge that he has problems and he was scared to ask for help so it was easier to push me away instead. He has actually opened up in ways I never thought possible, yesterday he actually smiled in a way I have not seen in 3 years, and today instead of watching hockey he cuddled with me on the coach. Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else. I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret, and I did tell my husband that. I am truly sad that I hurt my husband. And I am making changes, such as better communication. I should have told my husband these feeling before this occurred. Counseling didn't help, but I should have just come out and told him how I feel no matter how bad it would hurt him. I know I am not a model wife, and I have a lot of faults. But since this has occurred, my husband has acknowledge that he has problems and he was scared to ask for help so it was easier to push me away instead. He has actually opened up in ways I never thought possible, yesterday he actually smiled in a way I have not seen in 3 years, and today instead of watching hockey he cuddled with me on the coach. Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


Stop blameshfiting....your cheating was your choice and your lack of regret is not a good sign for a hoped reconciliation...


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## lynnlynn (Oct 2, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Are you hoping we will tell you it's hopeless so you can dump your husband and run off to your ex?
> 
> Btw remember if theyll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
> 
> Your ex doesn't have any problems having sex with a married cheater. That kind of says a lot of about the lowlife he is.


I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me. I guess what I am looking for is support that I am doing the right thing by at least trying to fix things with my husband. He says he cannot lose me, and he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark. We are both very confused, and I guess we both want to know we are not being complete idiots by attempting to fix this.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You think you are worried he will go back to being the same person?

I'll bet he's even more worried that you'll go back to cheating and deceiving him.

Especially since you admit you don't even regret the fact that you betrayed you husband with some low life POS who would actually stoop to sleep with another man's wife.

You described your BH as making a real effort to change.

What are you doing to reassure him that you can remain a loyal wife worthy of him making the effort?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you looked at the book

His needs, her needs?

And for him,

Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Kay Athol.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you bail on your old man, are you running away from something or are your running towards something?

Putting your affair partner aside, do you want to leave a marriage with out regret or is it regretfull that you want to leave your husband?

Again, is it a feeling of running away from something or running towards something?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lynnlynn said:


> I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him. I have stopped contact with my ex. I have given up all privacy, and willing give over my computer and phone for him to look at. I have also gone to work with my husband from time to time so I am not left home alone to help build his trust. I have also got rid of the items that remind me of my ex. As for the sex, I enjoy sex, and the lack of sex from my husband was a big problem (part of his personal problems), but we are finding ways around that which satisfy my needs and his. I feel like we are doing everything right, but why does it still feel wrong? Will this go away with time?


You and your husband can completely rebuild your love and passion for each other. I gave you the name of the books you need.

Actually after you more recent posts I don't think you need "Surviving an Affair".

But "His Needs, Her Needs" is the one that I think will really help both of you.


ETA: I think that you are looking for a long term light at the end of a dark tunnel. Instead of trying to look that far ahead, set time markers for yourself. Giver your marriage 6 months. For that 6 months put your heart and soul into your relationship. At the end of 6 months, if things are significantly better, then give it another 6 months. If not, then you know you have done what you could and it did not work.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You do not accept things as they were, that's how. You both commit to speaking up for yourselves, airing problems out, discussing (and more often than not resolving them, surprise, surprise, funny how talking works like that) them, rather than letting them fester. That leads to passive aggression, resentment, and contempt.

You need to not worry so much about fixing him though. You can't do that. Your problem is you. That's where your focus needs to be.

You introduced a third person into an already bad situation. That makes it infinitely worse. Who knows if you two have it in you to salvage your marriage. It doesn't matter so much if you can or not though, you need to fix yourself either way. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's relentless sometimes. counselling can help, books or audio books can help, but in the end, you need to do the work.

Two things you will need to do. One: own your actions, take full responsibility for them. Tell the complete, raw truth when asked. Do not let it out in dribs and drabs (trickle truth). Do not try to protect him, you are in no position to decide what he should or should not be privy to. nor how fast he should get over anything. Show him the respect he deserves.

Two: Always remember you still need respect too. This gets hard, because the emotions are raw, intense, and can feel overpowering, but they aren't. Just as the actions that constituted cheating were choices, you both get to choose how to handle the turmoil the cheating has caused. You both will need to choose respectful modes of communication and relating much more often than not, or you've got no chance. There may be slip ups, you're both human, but the fundamental respect for each other has got to be evident.

Lastly remember this, it goes for both of you. When you're going through hell, keep going! Keep striving to heal, grow, survive, plod on, whatever. Alone or apart. The end goal should be to wind up as strong, worthy individuals, able to thrive on your own, but together (with any other individual, not necessarily each other) by choice, because you enhance each other's lives.

I'm two years out from d day as the betrayed, and I've gone through enough reading to complete a degree, and I've still got a stack of material to get through. My marriage is far better than it ever has been. I'm a better person and partner most of the time. I'm a better father too. But... my faith in marriage is shattered. I would rather not be married anymore frankly, I don't think my wife deserves that from me anymore. I don't want to split, but I don't want to be bound either. I remain by choice, not by social contract. My willingness to sacrifice unilaterally for my family is way, way down. (that's probably a good thing in the long run though). My trust in my wife is broken, but that's balanced by a greater trust in myself I suppose (again another positive for me in the bigger picture). 

Those are the sorts of things that happen to people when they are betrayed. They change. Good luck, you'll probably need it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lynnlynn said:


> *I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him.* I have stopped contact with my ex. I have given up all privacy, and willing give over my computer and phone for him to look at. I have also gone to work with my husband from time to time so I am not left home alone to help build his trust. I have also got rid of the items that remind me of my ex. As for the sex, I enjoy sex, and the lack of sex from my husband was a big problem (part of his personal problems), but we are finding ways around that which satisfy my needs and his. I feel like we are doing everything right, but why does it still feel wrong? Will this go away with time?


Yup, it's all his fault. He needs to be fixed.

I dont get it.

You cheated. You committed adultery. And it's all his fault!?!

Wow, you have all the power in the relationship.




lynnlynn said:


> My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else. I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret, and I did tell my husband that. I am truly sad that I hurt my husband. And I am making changes, such as better communication. I should have told my husband these feeling before this occurred. Counseling didn't help, but I should have just come out and told him how I feel no matter how bad it would hurt him. I know I am not a model wife, and I have a lot of faults. But since this has occurred, my husband has acknowledge that he has problems and he was scared to ask for help so it was easier to push me away instead. He has actually opened up in ways I never thought possible, yesterday he actually smiled in a way I have not seen in 3 years, and today instead of watching hockey he cuddled with me on the coach. Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


And he has no respect for himself. And you dont respect him, that reeks from your posts.

Can you as a wife help him build his self-respect? Is that possible now that you cheated?

He gained his smile. I cant help wondering if you cheat again his smile might become permanent?



I think you need to get more humble. I dont think that's possible in this relationship where you have the upper hand.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lynnlynn said:


> I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me.
> 
> he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark.


You aren't with your ex because he's "not good for you". If he "was good for you" you'd be with him and not your husband.

It's all about you and your needs, and hey, I get it. People are selfish, that's just human nature. Although it's a matter of degree. You are VERY selfish, you don't give a rat's ass about your husband, it's all about what you want and what's good for you.

You don't love him and you aren't going to love him. The attraction is gone and he's even less attractive because he's being pathetic and weak and kissing up to you even though you took another man's penis inside of you. 

I've read the story, I understand the basic facts and the characteristics of the players, and I'm ready to rule.

I'm sorry. There's absolutely no hope of successful reconciliation here.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Stop blameshfiting....your cheating was your choice and your lack of regret is not a good sign for a hoped reconciliation...


100% agree with the above. You need to set your husband free to heal himself. You do not have remorse, are a cheater and cannot hope to reconcile with your current attitude, blame shifting etc. Yes there are problems in your marriage (just like everyone else) and normally you would deal with them without cheating. But you cheated and cannot really and truly see that what you did was not only really wrong but potentially a death blow for the marriage. That you husband is not currently equipped to deal with this is very unfortunate for him. You should send him here.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

You cheated on your husband, you spit on your vows as a wife. 

But most importantly you lied and betrayed the person who gave his heart to you. 

I have no doubt that your marriage wasn't great- most aren't BTW, but many CHOOSE not to cheat. 

This is what you need to grasp, that cheating is a choice. 


The affair is 100 percent YOUR fault. 

Not you husband. He shares half of the marriage issues. 

But your Affair..... 



That's all on you. 

Did you get caught or confess? 

Have you given all Pass Words, FB account, twitter, email and so on to your husband? 

Have you been transparent? 

Have you gone No Contact with the OM? 

Have you told the details of the affair to your Husband? 

Honesty is very important. 

Why did you "fall in love" with OM? 

Why did you lie and betray you husband. 


Betrayal is addicting. 

Will you do it again??? 

Do you have kids?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Are you hoping we will tell you it's hopeless so you can dump your husband and run off to your ex?
> 
> Btw remember if theyll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
> 
> Your ex doesn't have any problems having sex with a married cheater. That kind of says a lot of about the lowlife he is.


But it's so different, Shaggy!

"She loves me! She cheated on her husband because he was x, y and z.

"But I'd never do x, y and z to her! Because unlike her husband, I'd never take her for granted, etc., etc., etc."

But of course, she might well cheat on him, too...


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

> _I cheated on my husband._


Of course you did.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else.* I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret*, and I did tell my husband that. I am truly sad that I hurt my husband. And I am making changes, such as better communication. I should have told my husband these feeling before this occurred. Counseling didn't help, but I should have just come out and told him how I feel no matter how bad it would hurt him. I know I am not a model wife, and I have a lot of faults. But since this has occurred, my husband has acknowledge that he has problems and he was scared to ask for help so it was easier to push me away instead. He has actually opened up in ways I never thought possible, yesterday he actually smiled in a way I have not seen in 3 years, and today instead of watching hockey he cuddled with me on the coach. Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


Stop telling your husband it was his fault you cheated.... You never asked him if it was okay, and if you did, he probably would have said no... 

You cheated on him because you chose your ex over him, and thought your selfish needs were more important than keeping your marriage and your husband safe. 

Things will go back to the way they use to be, because you're trying to sweep your affair under the rug, and shift all the blame onto your husband, so you'll never address the real issue, you. You need to take a good long look in the mirror at what you're doing, and why you're doing it. If you don't love your husband, leave him. If you do love him, stop giving yourself to other men and blaming him for it. Stop flirting with men, giving yourself to them, and then blaming your husband when he pushes you away.

The problems in your marriage prior to your affair, were tiny little grains of sand compared to the boulder of a problem your affair creates.... The abuse of your spouse is off the charts. Admit it, accept it, own it.. and fix it by leaving him or giving yourself to him 100%.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me. I guess what I am looking for is support that I am doing the right thing by at least trying to fix things with my husband. He says he cannot lose me, and he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark. We are both very confused, and I guess we both want to know we are not being complete idiots by attempting to fix this.


you said you do not have regret and you told your husband that.
He is a depressed man and you, the one he should have been able to trust, stabbed him in the back, then proceeded to tell him that you do not regret it.
This means you are incredibly selfish and need IC to work through and discover why you are this way. Your H may very well go back to the way he was. I can't blame him for being depressed, after all he is married to someone that does not regret hurting him in the worst way. He is a doormat and you will cheat again. You say you won't now, but those as selfish as you, always do. Get counseling for yourself. Fixing you is as important as fixing him, fixing you is the best thing you can do for him. You should be on your knees begging forgiveness, but listen to yourself. If I were him I would have tossed you aside.
You may read this as you are being bashed. I am being very truthful as to what I feel after reading your comments. You are a big reason your husband is hurting and depressed. It is your fault.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

lynnlynn said:


> I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me. I guess what I am looking for is support that I am doing the right thing by at least trying to fix things with my husband. He says he cannot lose me, and he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark. We are both very confused, and I guess we both want to know we are not being complete idiots by attempting to fix this.


Lynn by all means I would try and fix your marriage but you need to do the groundwork too. Just because you felt neglected by your H does not give you the justification to cheat on him. You both messed up your marriage but it was solely your choice to have an affair. It seems you were testing the waters of living the life of a single woman while still having the comforts of a marriage. You cannot blame him for your A.

You need to make up your mind if you really want a marriage with your H because its more than likely that he may not be able to keep up this newfound spark all the time. There will be lots of ups and downs. What are you going to do when there is another down? 

Do you really love him? Or are you scared of living alone?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

What's probably going to happen is that at some point this mess of a husband is going to get his act together. 

He's going to decide you're not good for him, and not good enough for him. 

You don't think you love him, but I imagine in 5 years you're going to have an even larger empty hole. 

And he'd be right. You say he needs to fix himself. You sound entitled. You say you don't really regret cheating on him. You sound unremorseful. You pine for this old boyfriend, acting like a lovestruck teenager and saying "Oh, but I know he's no good for me. But i'm in lurrrveee" the more I read the more hope fades.
The dynamic of your thinking is wrong. You hold all the cards and carry all the keys, dispensing your reconciliation like a king on a mountain to a worthless peasant. So long as he does what you like, maybe you'll stick around even if you don't like him much. 

Sounds like you want a servant more than a mate. 

I'd ask you to point him to this forum though. Sounds like he needs a wake up call.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else. I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret, and I did tell my husband that._

You are certainly not complete idiots for trying to save a marriage, but as long as you do not feel regret for the infidelity it's doubtful you can succeed in the long run. Especially if the only regret you really feel is having dumped the ex in the first place under pressure.

I wish you success.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Holy cow... Is your husband the most beaten down man on earth? I seriously doubt he would describe things in any way close to how you describe things.

He may be a bad husband, but you are a horrible wife.

In a marriage, you can wait forever for the other person to fix themself, and you probably will.

Instead, you have to look at a way of operating your marriage as follows:

-- You primarily focus on YOU and what YOU can do to make your husband's life as good as possible. That involves communicating with him about what his emotional needs are and what would make him happy and fulfilled, and then DOING THOSE THINGS.

-- You must advocate for having your own needs met.... focus on communicating in a non combatitive way what your emotional needs are and how your husband can meet them.

-- Marriage is voluntary. Every day is a new day and a new decision to stay married. That's the answer to "how do you know he won't go back to his ways"... You don't. But if you change the structure of your marriage and having a clear idea what your criteria are for staying married you have control over your life.

And, you should establish a values system within yourself that cheating is never the answer to a marital problem.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> *I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him*


Your statement above is a huge hypocrisy. Your husband may have contributed to a less than ideal marriage ... *but YOU own your affair 100%*. Your husband did not drive you into the arms of another man .. you did that all by yourself.

Until you can come to grips with the fact that you need to fix yourself and stop blaming your husband, then you are not making a serious attempt at saving your marriage. 

Perhaps you should get some individual counselling. At the very least you need to STOP BLAMING YOUR HUSBAND, show true remorse and be the best wife in the universe from here on out ... if you want to save this marriage. I'll be honest with you though, most men don't stick around after the wife has had an affair ... maybe yours will, but only if you start taking the good advice you're being given on this forum.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Another entitled princes. 

As per OP "He know that Op is not in love with him still he want her back" What is wrong with the men these days?

Any way, he wasnt a model husband but are you a model wife ?

Bring him here, we will help him to open his eyes and see things for what it is.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are still in the affair fog. You have to come up with faults of your husband to justify the affair. "You are a good person, you would not cheat, his faults made me do it." 

Have you given your husband the reasons why you cheated? Why you made that choice? Have you tried to go to counseling to find out what is wrong with you, to cheat on your husband? 

Have you given your husband a timeline of the affair and all the things that you did when you cheated? Have you given him all the details in writing? 

You ripped his heart out. Before you "fix" his problems, put his heart back in his chest and get it started again. Tell him all the truth. 

Find out what is wrong with you!


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

lynnlynn,

your posts leaks of narcissism or narcissism leaks of your posts. seriously I'm confused I don't know which is it which.......... it's a big narcissism post leaky thing.

- please seek psychiatric help for YOUR ISSUES.
- please ask your husband to seek psychiatric help to understand why he would marry someone like you and still being married to you even after you've cheated on him. to understand why he didn't see these major character flaws in you. (he probably had/has low self-esteem) because your issues is not created in your marriage , it goes back to your childhood. but I leave that for your IC.

Good Luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me. I guess what I am looking for is support that I am doing the right thing by at least trying to fix things with my husband. He says he cannot lose me, and he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark. We are both very confused, and I guess we both want to know we are not being complete idiots by attempting to fix this.


 If you don't want to be with your EX because he's not good for you, then why did you have sex with him? 

Seeking comfort in someone else's bed isn't going to do anything but ruin your marriage. Sooner or later when your husband gets back on track, he's going to think about this and I have a feeling that the $h!t's going to hit the fan. If you really wanted to help your husband, should have kept your knees together. Sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lynnlynn said:


> I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him.


I know that many are jumping on your for this statement. But there is truth to it. 

There were problems in your marriage before you cheated. Your cheating created more problems.

But the cheating is not the only thing that needs fixing now.

Both of you have to own up to your part of the problems in your marriage.

You have things that you need to fix about yourself and things that you have to make up for related to your affair.

But your husband also has things that he needs to fix that contributed to the serious breakdown of your marriage.

One point though, "we" cannot fix him. You cannot fix or change another person. Only he can fix himself. You can support him in this, but he has to want to change and do all the work on himself. Just as you have to do all the work on yourself.

If, give a period of time (say 6 months) he has not addressed his own problems in a significant manner, divorce might be your best option.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lynnlynn,

You've done a very thorough job of saying that your husband needs fixing and that his issues were why you had an affair. I would like to know what you need to fix in order to have a successful reconciliation with your husband?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing I did pick up in your first post is that you seem to think where the affair went wrong was that you developed feelings fir your ex while having sex with him.

The way you wrote it implies, that you think you were doing good and ok, up to the point that you crossed the line and developed feelings fir him, that somehow the sex wasn't at all a bad choice on your part.

First, it's entirely normal to develop feelings of love for the person you are having sex with. That's one of the reasons why it's not a good plan to have sex with anyone but your husband.

Btw, if you aren't feeling the love for your husband, are you having sex with him again to help reconnect with him?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lynnlynn said:


> I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him. I have stopped contact with my ex. I have given up all privacy, and willing give over my computer and phone for him to look at. I have also gone to work with my husband from time to time so I am not left home alone to help build his trust. I have also got rid of the items that remind me of my ex. As for the sex, I enjoy sex, and the lack of sex from my husband was a big problem (part of his personal problems), but we are finding ways around that which satisfy my needs and his. I feel like we are doing everything right, but why does it still feel wrong? Will this go away with time?


Give him a 3 month open marriage where he can have sex with other women


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him


Yep, his self esteem is bad. She shouldn't want to be with someone like you. He shouldn't be so gullible.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

First, your husband needs this site more than you do. If you were truly remorseful you would send him here. But of course you're not. No one that doesn't regret cheating on their spouse could be.

So you're doing him no favors by staying with him given your attitude. I agree with the other poster; at some point, after the hysterical bonding plays out, he will realize he shouldn't have tried to R with a non remorseful spouse. That's when your troubles will really begin.

You say he needs to fix his problems. Maybe so; but that should have been addressed before you made the cowardly and selfish choice to cheat. You could have talked or walked. Now, his problems pale in comparison to your problems.

You have no idea how to be a remorseful spouse. Unless you come to understand how important that is, I truly feel sorry for your husband if he continues to stay with you.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

The way I see it, you've got two separate issues: 
1. Your marriage wasn't happy.
2. You cheated on your husband.

It seems you are very concerned about whether or not your husband can change (issue #1) but you don't say very much about your cheating problem. You say the affair showed you there are problems in the marriage. You are wrong. You knew there were problems before the affair, thus the MC. All the affair showed is that your husband can't trust you. What are YOU going to do to change? What are YOU going to do to be a better wife? What are YOU going to do to get over your ex? What are YOU going to do to re-built and earn your husband's trust?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FourtyPlus said:


> The way I see it, you've got two separate issues:
> 1. Your marriage wasn't happy.
> 2. You cheated on your husband.
> 
> It seems you are very concerned about whether or not your husband can change (issue #1) but you don't say very much about your cheating problem. *You say the affair showed you there are problems in the marriage. You are wrong. You knew there were problems before the affair, thus the MC. All the affair showed is that your husband can't trust you*. What are YOU going to do to change? What are YOU going to do to be a better wife? What are YOU going to do to get over your ex? What are YOU going to do to re-built and earn your husband's trust?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: That is a homerun! I have never heard it put quite that way but you are 100% right. Problems in a marriage show the spouses have work to do - cheating shows how trustworthy you are. Excellent point!


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

lynnlynn said:


> I told my husband we can not fix the marriage until we fix him. I have stopped contact with my ex. I have given up all privacy, and willing give over my computer and phone for him to look at. I have also gone to work with my husband from time to time so I am not left home alone to help build his trust. I have also got rid of the items that remind me of my ex.* As for the sex, I enjoy sex, and the lack of sex from my husband was a big problem (part of his personal problems),* but we are finding ways around that which satisfy my needs and his. I feel like we are doing everything right, but why does it still feel wrong? Will this go away with time?


A good marriage needs to include sex. 

Sex releases bonding hormones and feel good neuro transmitters that keep people connected. 

Unless your husband has a physical illness that causes impotency, he needs to work on the sex issue to save his marriage. 

Can you find a good counselor who understands the importance of the sexual bond and who can help him find a doctor that can help him in that area? 

He may have some underlying medical issue. Many times, if that is addressed it can be fixed. 

You are bonded to your affair partners due to the hormones and neuro-transmitters released during sex. 

That doesn't justify the cheating but it does emphasize the need for your husband to address the lack of sex issue, if he wants a true reconciliation.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I know that many are jumping on your for this statement. But there is truth to it.
> 
> There were problems in your marriage before you cheated. Your cheating created more problems.
> 
> ...



I agree with the above post in its entirety. 

You are at least being honest with yourself, your husband and us. 

Your husband now needs to be honest with himself. 

You were wrong to cheat, you have admitted that, but there is no shame in admitting that you can not love him unless he addresses some of his issues too. 

It is difficult for some people to look in their own mirror and see who they truly are. 

You seem to be taking a good clear look. You know what you want and need and you know that you will not be happy unless some of those needs are addressed. 

You, too, need to address your husband's needs. 

If compromise is not possible. Divorce is the best path, rather than cheating again.

Despite your honesty, you will likely get beaten up emotionally on this board. 

It takes two to create a good marriage. It is difficult for some to admit that.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

michzz said:


> Nobody is disputing this statement.
> 
> However, it doesn't justify cheating.
> 
> Cheating is bomb throwing in response to whatever dissatisfaction there is.


Contact me privately, if you wish to debate my post. I was not speaking to you and I don't want to threadjack by responding with a reply that will likely create a lengthy debate.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Good-by lynnlynn! 

The posts are painful to read, but hopefully you will return and find the truth in them.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP I feel very sorry for your husband. I am sure he is struggling day and night with the severity of your cheating and betrayal. I hope he is ok. It is easy for a person in his position of extreme violation to feel overwhelmed. 

Please direct him to TAM. I believe the experience on this board will be very helpful to him. 

By the way shaggy made a great point. You seem to imply that it was perfectly acceptable for you to have sex with some other man. You seem to indicate the problem is the development of feeling for the other man you brought into your marriage. Is this the first time you had sex outside your marriage. It doesn't sound like it. 

I hope you have not infected your husband with any stds. He certainly doesn't deserve that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lynnlynn said:


> My husband is staying cause he truly loves me, but I also believe it is because he has never known anything else.* I will be completely honest that I do not feel regret, and I did tell my husband that.* I am truly sad that I hurt my husband. And I am making changes, such as better communication. I should have told my husband these feeling before this occurred. Counseling didn't help, but I should have just come out and told him how I feel no matter how bad it would hurt him. I know I am not a model wife, and I have a lot of faults. But since this has occurred, my husband has acknowledge that he has problems and he was scared to ask for help so it was easier to push me away instead. He has actually opened up in ways I never thought possible, yesterday he actually smiled in a way I have not seen in 3 years, and today instead of watching hockey he cuddled with me on the coach. Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


 Then you know what? Divorce your husband and allow him to find a girl that will love him unconditionally. Because, obviously you don't. 

And you can tell me that you do love your husband and you had a minor lapse, but the fact is you WANTED someone else that wasn't your husband. That's not even remotely close to love. And whether your three months with your AP meant anything or not. One thing for sure is that you didn't love your husband as much as he loved you. That he didn't mean as much to you as you did to him.

SO, in your own words by admitting that you are not regretful or remorseful, then divorce him. You didn't give a rats a$$ about cheating on him; certainly, you could really give a rats a$$ about divorcing him.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you have this all wrong. You said you do not love him, you showed him that you do not respect him or need him. He is your number two choice. Do the right thing and divorce him.
It's going to hurt for a while but he will get over you and start a new life, just as you have started a new life. Good luck to both of you.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

OP you also need to examine your motives for marrying your husband in the first place. If you were still in love with your ex, and you marrried your husband anyway, then doesn't it stand to reason you married him under false pretenses? 

If that is the case, then hasn't your entire marriage been a sham? In my opinion, your lack of honesty trumps any failings he committed as a husband in the intervening years. 

If all this is the case, you have no ground to stand on.


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## sanityschaos85 (Oct 2, 2013)

you keep saying what if things go back to the way they were i wasnt a model man with my ex at first ,i had to work long days and couldnt spend alot of time with her she cheated on me and i changed completely towards her and my new girl loves the way i treat her but my ex continued her crap and i just got more and more tired of it stop being so self centered change yourself for the better if he cant keep up to your expectations then leave get over your abandonment issues i never fully got over her cheating i just lost the feeling of caring it emotionally numbed me on that relationship so you need to start building his feelings back up before its to late cause he is hurting !


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

lynnlynn said:


> Things are better then I could have imagine, which I guess is making me nervous, because what if things go back to the way they use to be?


Do you mean the part where he is withdrawn or where you lie and cheat with other men? I believe that all relationships can be fixed, if both parties are honest and work hard to make it work. He needs to work on his issues, but you need to understand the damage that you have done to the relationship. Additionally, you need to work on the issues that led you to make these decisions, so you don't repeat them in the future. 

However, if you have already decided that you don't love him and only staying out of pity, then do him a favor and cut him loose. Bad news never gets better with age and though he won't like it, you aren't doing him any favors in the long run. 

I hope that you are not chasing rainbows. Too many people expect love to be the hormone simulation of a new relationship, this does not last. You need to seriously look within yourself for the true answers to your questions.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

I realize the OP is LONG gone. But what I do not understand is that the OP wants a guarantee that her husband will change to become the husband she wants, but she herself is never going to be the wife he wants. She is so wrapped up in how amazing she is, she is never going to be anything other than entitled and a well, a betrayer.

Good luck to you in your future. And to your poor husband. But he has the roughest path. I hope he finds peace dealing with someone whom he loves, but cares nothing for him, nor the commitments she makes.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I think recommending certain books and instructions in this case is like recommending a text on automotive body repair after the cars been hit by a train.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Lynnlynn? 

Lynnlynn ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sanityschaos85 said:


> you keep saying what if things go back to the way they were i wasnt a model man with my ex at first ,i had to work long days and couldnt spend alot of time with her she cheated on me and i changed completely towards her and my new girl loves the way i treat her but my ex continued her crap and i just got more and more tired of it stop being so self centered change yourself for the better if he cant keep up to your expectations then leave get over your abandonment issues i never fully got over her cheating i just lost the feeling of caring it emotionally numbed me on that relationship so you need to start building his feelings back up before its to late cause he is hurting !


Quoted for it's pure WTFness.

The OPs attitude fills me with the urge to defecate. To tell her husband that she doesn't regret cheating on him is just vicious.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You said you don't regret the affair, and that your ex/affair partner is not good for you so you can't be with him. I guess that's why you're more interested in fixing your marriage right now? You realized that you can't be with your ex? And that's why you married your H in the first place, you couldn't be with your ex. 

Are you over him? Or is this going to come up again in the future, where you want to try with your ex again? No amount of changing and "fixing" your husband will be good enough for you if you are still into your ex in your head even though you know you can't be with him. 

Conversely, get your ex truly out of your head and your husband won't have to be "fixed" at all, because you would have changed. You'd appreciate the kind of man who is good for you, instead of wishing for one who isn't.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> I do not want to go with my ex! I know he is not good for me. I guess what I am looking for is support that I am doing the right thing by at least trying to fix things with my husband. He says he cannot lose me, and he knows I do not love him, but he has asked for an opportunity to see if we can re-light the spark. We are both very confused, and I guess we both want to know we are not being complete idiots by attempting to fix this.


Do you respect him ?

Just the truth please


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I know that many are jumping on your for this statement. But there is truth to it.
> 
> There were problems in your marriage before you cheated. Your cheating created more problems.
> 
> ...


it's just that it is so obvious that she needs quite a bit of fixing herself. The "truth" that she leaves out of her statement seems a lot more salient than the truth she puts in it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I agree with the above post in its entirety.
> 
> You are at least being honest with yourself, your husband and us.
> 
> ...


It takes two to create a good marriage, but only one to destroy it.
Adultery is not just another "problem in the marriage" - it is a marriage killer all its own. That's the difference.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I think recommending certain books and instructions in this case is like recommending a text on automotive body repair after the cars been hit by a train.


:iagree: I don't love him and I don't regret cheating on him. Now....how can I rebuild my marriage?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> :iagree: I don't love him and I don't regret cheating on him. Now....how can I rebuild my marriage?


Yeah, that works every time.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Lynnlynn:* Hello.

Let me recap:

*The OM is not good enough for you to be with, but good enough to fornicate.

The husband is not good enough for you in bed, but good enough for you to be married to (still).*



*If he will change into a man ‘good enough for you’, you would perhaps go to the OM.

If he will change into a spouse good enough for you, you will continue to be married to your husband (though you don’t feel any / much love for him).*



*What are YOU good enough for, in this self-defined dynamics?


Where is YOUR mirror?*


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> It takes two to create a good marriage, but only one to destroy it.
> Adultery is not just another "problem in the marriage" - it is a marriage killer all its own. That's the difference.


It's only a marriage killer if the cheater will not admit fault and the person cheated on believes themselves to be perfect. 

A lot of betrayed spouses refuse to change, and that is why the reconciliation fails. They feel they did nothing to deserve to be cheated on. 

In some cases this is true, but not in all cases. 

Like I said there are a lot of self righteous folk out there who can't look themselves in the eye and admit that they have many faults. 

Was cheating justified, no!

But in many textbook cases, the person who had the affair did attempt to address the issues, but their spouse refuse to discuss things or take the complaint seriously, or simply refused a request for counseling. 

In those cases the spouse who will not be heard should simply ask for a divorce and maybe that will shake the dismissive spouse into reality. 

Some people really do love their spouse and don't want to instigate a divorce so they cheat and hope they won't get caught. 

BTW: The statistics show that a very larger percentage of affairs are never discovered. And, women are far less likely to get caught because they are often home alone all day, and women are better at lying then men are.

Also men rarely out their affair partner. Women, however, too often fall in love with the affair partner and out them if they are rejected.

It's speculated that 80 percent of married people have had at least one affair while married. Many are never discovered.

So unless the person who was cheated on is willing to engage in some serious self examination regarding their own shortcomings, it's highly likely their next spouse will cheat on them, too.

Just something to think about.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_It's only a marriage killer if the cheater will not admit fault and the person cheated on believes themselves to be perfect.

A lot of betrayed spouses refuse to change, and that is why the reconciliation fails. They feel they did nothing to deserve to be cheated on.

In some cases this is true, but not in all cases.

Like I said there are a lot of self righteous folk out there who can't look themselves in the eye and admit that they have many faults.

Was cheating justified, no!

But in many textbook cases, the person who had the affair did attempt to address the issues, but their spouse refuse to discuss things or take the complaint seriously, or simply refused a request for counseling.

In those cases the spouse who will not be heard should simply ask for a divorce and maybe that will shake the dismissive spouse into reality.

Some people really do love their spouse and don't want to instigate a divorce so they cheat and hope they won't get caught.

BTW: The statistics show that a very larger percentage of affairs are never discovered. And, women are far less likely to get caught because they are often home alone all day, and women are better at lying then men are.

It's speculated that 80 percent of married people have had at least one affair while married.

So unless the person who was cheated on is willing to engage in some serious self examination regarding their own shortcomings, it's highly likely their next spouse will cheat on them, too.

Just something to think about.
_

:iagree: Mostly. I don't see, though, how you can say that in some cases people "deserve" to be cheated on and then say "Was cheating justified? No!" If the cheating was deserved then it was justified. Or if the cheating was unjustified then it was undeserved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yo, did any of you notice that lynnlynn left the building after post #13?

Who are you talking to at this point?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> _It's only a marriage killer if the cheater will not admit fault and the person cheated on believes themselves to be perfect.
> 
> A lot of betrayed spouses refuse to change, and that is why the reconciliation fails. They feel they did nothing to deserve to be cheated on.
> 
> ...


I didn't say they deserve to be cheated on. I said in some cases the loyal spouse feels they did nothing wrong to deserve to be cheated on. 

They didn't deserve to be cheated on. IMO, if the problems were too severe or unsolvable or the spouse refused counseling, the spouse should have filed for divorce, instead of cheating. 

But many cheaters love their spouse and don't want a divorce, they crazily believe they can stay married and solve the problem. 

In my case, my wife was not interested in sex for years. I still loved her. 

Eventually, I thought an affair would solve the problem. I would get sex and my wife would still have a secure life and a nice lifestyle. 

Some here have called me a cake eater, but I don't see it that way. I wasn't having my cake and eating it too. I wasn't getting any cake. 

I should have asked for a divorce, if she continued to refuse counseling. I realize that now. I wasn't however thinking clearly, when I had the affair. 

My wife now accepts blame for refusing sex and counseling. That breaks my heart. Because I don't blame her. 

But her willingness to engage in self examination is what is making our reconciliation so strong.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yo, did any of you notice that lynnlynn left the building after post #13?
> 
> Who are you talking to at this point?


Thanks, Elle, I did notice that. 

I think it's because some of the posts were difficult for her to see. 

I think she is still reading, though, and can learn from the discourse. 

When people here become too tough on the WS, I too often stop posting, but I still read the posts. 

Maybe Lynn is too.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_They feel they did nothing to deserve to be cheated on.

In some cases this is true, but not in all cases._

Sorry if I misunderstood. I interpreted the above to mean that in some cases the BS in truth did nothing to deserve to be cheated on, but in other cases the BS did in fact do something to deserve to be cheated on.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Thanks, Elle, I did notice that.
> 
> I think it's because some of the posts were difficult for her to see.
> 
> ...


She hasn't been back on since post 15.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She went over to Marriage Builders for coddling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> She hasn't been back on since post 15.


Yep, I notice that. I got eyes, man. 

So, she hasn't posted?

Sometimes I don't post for weeks or months, but I still read the posts. 

I can't read minds, but I would wager that she is checking this thread.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Yep, I notice that. I got eyes, man.
> 
> So, she hasn't posted?
> 
> ...


So you "got eyes." Very impressive. I have eyes too, and I used them to look at her profile where it tells me that she hasn't been back on the site since post 15. So no, she's not reading all this stuff.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> So you "got eyes." Very impressive. I have eyes too, and I used them to look at her profile where it tells me that she hasn't been back on the site since post 15. So no, she's not reading all this stuff.


Uhm, in case you are not aware......anyone can access the threads, you need not sign in to access the board or the threads.

The profile will only show her last visit, if she has indeed signed in to view the posts.

BTW: That avatar is, well.........quite a visual.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lynn


I know you have been lurking probably reding these posts since yesterday.

Some of the posts are probably hurtful to you but I hop you have a thick skin.

The crowd here does want to help you.

Let us know how old you two are and if you have any children.

Can you get the feelings back for your H? Yes. If you want to and stay NC with your Affair Partner.

Will your H revert back to his old ways? Only if you let him/

But you could revert back to your old ways too....

And since you are not remorseful for breaking your vows and cheating on your H you really need to look deep inside yourself why you are like this.

Because until you do you cannot plan on a successful Reconciliation.

I do hope you come back and share more information.

HM64


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

I've noticed a common theme across cheater started threads. Many cheater OPs tend to not stick around after a few posts. I think this is because the forum tends to immediately reflect the ugly truth of what they've done back to them. Couple that with the fact that they usually suffer from the "entitled princess" or "prince" syndrome and they are gone immediately after they are called out on it.

It's my opinion that only cheaters that are "truly repentant" are capable of being served by these forums.

My 2 cents.

PS: lynnlynn, if you're still here .. I applaud your courage. Realize you're going to hear things you don't agree with. Be open-minded.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> It's only a marriage killer if the cheater will not admit fault and the person cheated on believes themselves to be perfect.
> 
> A lot of betrayed spouses refuse to change, and that is why the reconciliation fails. They feel they did nothing to deserve to be cheated on.


No, in my experience most reconciliations fail because the WS cannot admit to themselves the depth of betrayal that they have committed. It takes a very special person to look in the mirror after having committed this atrocity and recognize it for what it truly was. Most WS are not strong enough to see their betrayal and more importantly to atone for their transgressions. Trying to blameshift it to the BS is just shameful and cowardly.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> ETA: I think that you are looking for a long term light at the end of a dark tunnel. Instead of trying to look that far ahead, set time markers for yourself. Giver your marriage 6 months. For that 6 months put your heart and soul into your relationship. At the end of 6 months, if things are significantly better, then give it another 6 months. If not, then you know you have done what you could and it did not work.


So the BS needs some work ... granted. I don't see much hope unless the WS takes ownership of what lead to the A. She keeps blaming and she needs to look inside herself ... Why did she tolerate a man that was not meeting her needs? Why couldn't she seek help or simply leave before the A? The rationalization of the A is mind numbing. Imagine your home is infested with ants. Having an affair is like burning down the house to solve the problem. There were other options ... own the reasons (perhaps very good reasons) why you chose to ignore them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good analogy Jung.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> So the BS needs some work ... granted. I don't see much hope unless the WS takes ownership of what lead to the A. She keeps blaming and she needs to look inside herself ... Why did she tolerate a man that was not meeting her needs? Why couldn't she seek help or simply leave before the A? The rationalization of the A is mind numbing. Imagine your home is infested with ants. Having an affair is like burning down the house to solve the problem. There were other options ... own the reasons (perhaps very good reasons) why you chose to ignore them.


Plus we only have her side of the story about the state of the marriage. WS frequently complain that their needs were not being met, well were they meeting th eneeds of their BS and if not - why didn't the BS go out an cheat?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Plus we only have her side of the story about the state of the marriage. WS frequently complain that their needs were not being met, well were they meeting th eneeds of their BS and if not - why didn't the BS go out an cheat?


Exactly. Because if they were to even hint that they were partly responsible for the sad state of the marriage then they would have to accept responsibility for everything else.....including the cheating. 

Lynnlynn doesn't want to accept any responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Unbelievable, OP's H has to change so she won't cheat.

OP, could you do you H a favor and send him our way? I would like to help him change. You are totally right, he does need to change.....he does need help.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Looking for love in all the wrong places....sometimes those of us who are in pain (even the pain we create for ourselves - which is really true for all of us) come to this forum. Even those who cheat on their spouse can feel pain and confusion. 

At times, I have found this forum helpful, but the pain of those who feel the need to "read some truth" to others has kind of blasted this one away.

If the OP still reads any of this...yes, it can be satisfying to work on a marriage that is such disrepair, but it is not the ecstatic energy of an affair. 

Also those we have once loved stay in our mind, even if we delete all traces of them in our lives. It is part of the sad effect of an affair of the heart. Yet, if we can turn our minds toward real love, even that can be redeemed.

It takes stubborn commitment to keep looking for the good in the other as well as in yourself and cannot happen quickly.

Some of the fun of an affair, is the adrenaline as well as how easy things seem at first. This does not last, but some people learn to give their all to an intimate relationship and to treasure the trust built over time.

The results of giving you and your husband grace to find the good in each other, is that over time it leads to less confusion. You can work on yourself as an individual to understand your own drives. Look at your longing for the affair as a cry for understanding and true love - something we all want, even those who have not strayed.

Seek out how you can offer love to your spouse even when it does not feel as exciting as the affair. You both may decide that your marriage is no longer viable. If so, you will never know if the affair killed it or you made the wrong decision to marry at first. You will know that you put yourself fully into a relationship you have valued.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lynnlynn said:


> Do we have a chance of making this work?


IMO, no. Because you will always pine for your X


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