# Suspect Emotional Affair...how to know?



## Petey (Feb 22, 2011)

I've been reading this site while I cant sleep because I have suspicions that my wife is having an emotional affair with another man. I feel like writing will help me express this pain and maybe some of you will have some good advice.

My wife is 29 and I am 35. She has gone back to community college for a career change. I also have started a new job that has restricted my time somewhat. We went through a hectic travel schedule from the beginning of December due to a death in her family as well as christmas travel etc. This was capped off by my having to go on a two-week trip for training for a new job I have.

After or hectic travel schedule I was looking forward to getting back into a routine with my loving wife but found that something had changed. She has fallen in with a small group of people that she goes to school with, thery have the same classes etc and she seems to be spending a great deal of time texting with them. The group is 2 other girls and one other guy...all much younger than her and single. At first I was glad that she was making friends but then things started to concern me.
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Incident 1*: They all hang out at this guy's apartment and its a party all the time...the drinks and food are flowing ans she has a great time there...except unlike all of her other groups of friends, I'm not invited to this one. So the group all heads to this guy's place on Friday after classes at 3. She didn't come home until after 3Am one Friodfay night. She explained thatthey went out to a bar and stayed until last call (again I wasn't invited) I brished this off as her having fun with her new found friends

*Incident 2:* The very next evening we order in and start eating our dinner with a movie when she gets texts from these friends to go out. She drops her half eaten dinner plate and heads off to go get ready to go out. Again I brush it off that she's just really happy to be in a group of fun friends. No idea if this guy was there that night or not.

*Incident 3:* A few days later she tells me she forgot something at this guys (henceforth known as Adam) place and needs it for school...a likely story as they do have to collaborate as a group on projects. So she texts him and heads over there at about 4PM. She said she doesn't want to be rude so she'll likely stay for a quick chat...an hour at most. We decide to go for dinner afterward. I sit there and wait and she finally comes home at almost 9PM. Five hours at this guy's place to pick up something and this was not a planned get together so now I start to feel concerned.

*Incident 4:* Next Friday morning I tell her I'm really looking forward to having a nice evening with her. She says :
"Well its Friday and we are all going to Adam's for a drink after school...but I'll be home by 5 so we have fun tonight." Then 5:30 rolls around and I get a text saying "I guess the plan was to have dinner...do don't make anything. I'll be home right after we eat. Promise I won't be late" Then I sat and waited and waited and waited. Finally at midnight I text her and ask if she's ever coming home and she finally does at about 12:45.

After this event she could see that I was hurt and she apologized for ditching me like that and promised to be more considerate in making her plans. We decide to go for dinner and a movie on Saturday and dammit she is texting this guy whole we are driving there! I confronted her about this and she just said it was a question about schoolwork but this is really getting to me.

Next Friday she politely asked if I minded if she went to Adams with the group after school for a drink. I told her I don't want to tell her what she can and cant do with her friends and to try not to be too late. She comes home around 1:30Am.

The next day I told her that I was not feeling right about the amount of time she was spending at another guy's place (even with a group present) as well as the amount of help this guy is giving her and the amount of texting going on between them and she swore up and down that he was just another friend in the group and they werent any different to each other than they were to anyone else in the group (and yet I am still not invited to their hangouts).

I was really starting to lose it at this point. My heart was racing and I wast sleeping well so I did a bad thing. I looked at her cell text history and found that her and Adam had sent dozens of texts all day friday (in advance of their all evening get together with the group) and then continuing on Saturday. Like all day they have a conversation going. I didn't have time to do any serious reading other than a few random ones that seemed like they had a lot of inside jokes with each other and so forth. Until I see one with hearts in it and it was from her to him. On Friday morning she sent him an ALL CAPS text saying "CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU TONIGHT" with two hearts after it.

At that point I realized that this has passed the line of appropriate and confronted her. I felt awful that I had violated her privacy by looking in her cell but couldn't stand that she was sending another guy hearts. She said it only looked bad and she send hearts out in a lot of her messages to all her friends. She did conceed that it looked very bad but that it was all taken out of context. I still don't feel right that she is sending textx with hearts to another guy...thats just inappropriate regardless.

So over the past few days we have spent some time crying and discussing. She won't admit that anything is going on and swears that they are merely friends and he is just another part of the group. She has made an offer to try and find a way for me to meet them all but it didn't sound like she really wants that and certainly she doesn't want me to be around this group all the time.

I believe I finally got through to her this morning how much this is hurting me and she said that she is not going to go over there any more if its hurting me. She also cried a lot and said that I am her only future and the only one etc etc.

So thats where we stand and yet I cannot sleep and have barely eaten over the past week. I am a wreck. I feel like she has developed an emotional attachment to this guy without realizing it. She's 29 and about to turn 30 and shes had a lot of anxiety about that. I'm sure this group of cool, younger people showing her attention makes her feel younger and boosts her self esteem.

But I really have nothing as proof other than one text with some hearts in it (which could quite possibly just been an unthinking moment as she does frequently use hearts in msgs to her girlfriends.) and a lot of time spent with a group that includes this guy. I have no other contacts within this group to find out what is really going on or who is really all there.

So where do I go from here? I feel like I have nothing more to confront her about and yet I feel as though there is more going on than meets the eye and its tearing me apart.

I already feel horribly bad that I violated her privacy by looking at her cell history. Do I really want to violate her privacy again over something that really could be entirely innocent? Please help, I'll falling apart over this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's an emotional affair--sounds as though it could be more. You should now insist she have no contact with Adam. You may find Affaircare's website helpful at this point. There are some great resources there. Here's the link. AffairCare Home

You also need to get passed the "invasion of privacy" train of thought. Married couples should live a transparent life; they should keep no secrets from each other. Privacy and secrecy are two different things. As many here on TAM say, "Privacy is for the bathroom."

Hope this gets resolved soon.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It is not reasonable for someone who is married and committed to go out partying and leave their partner behind. 

It is reasonable for you to be more than concerned. She isn't doing what is in the best interest of your marriage, she is simply putting her self first and your relationship last, and it does appear that she is having or has come close to having an affair.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

I think you had every right to feel like you did and you may have felt bad at looking at her phone but i think it was necessary and you have given yourself a big chance of nipping this in the bud before it becomes too serious.

Don't believe the bull about him being another friend and that she sends hearts to them. 

I think you have done well so far. One thing I picked up from your post is that when she spends time with them she is partying and having fun and when she is with you she is having a take away and a movie. Nothing very wrong with that - everyone loves a take away and a movie but maybe she would enjoy more nights out with you?? she is only 29 and maybe still needs that more than you

best of luck


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Stop doubting what your gut already knows. 

There is a fox in ur chicken coop.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Looks like she's having sex with him. She agrees to a polygraph, or all her crap goes to the side of the road.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you have to go through this Petey! Reading your post had alarm bells going off in my head. My husband had an EA, but his was also physical. 

I trusted him implicitly. One night last year he texted and asked if he could stay at happy hour later because it was "so much fun". That was the first night he kissed the OW. He'd be the first to tell you, based on your post.... she's in deep.

Do not feel quilty for invading her privacy, she's not being respectful of you or your marriage right now, so you have every right to question her actions.

Knowing what I know now, my advice is to keep digging for evidence. The only way I got my husband to confess everything (and a previous affair he had ages ago) was by making him think my finding out was inevitable. (I bluffed and said I could always get a transcript of all his texts, the truth started to spill out at that moment.)

Hopefully your wife is only having an EA. However, with the two of them spending so much time alone together, don't rule out physical. Since you haven't been allowed to really socialize with her friends, you don't know if they are actually present every time she says the group is getting together. Keeping you away from her friends prevents you from asking questions or finding out if she's been lying.

I know I sound cynical, but since d-day I no longer think it wise to trust implicitly. Especially if someone is acting untrustworthy.

If possible, check her email (sent messages can be telling) and computer history. I'd be looking for another email account, secret accounts seem common with affairs.

Good luck and remember you are not alone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your W may not be in an affair with any one person, but she is definitely in an EA with this group of friends (sounds like Adam is the group leader and head party animal) and the partying lifestyle.
You said that she was a little anxious about turning 30, and the attention (probably male) is reassuring her that she's "still got it".

Also, not a bad sign that when you confronted about the texts, she didn't go off on you about invading her privacy-that would be a bright red flag of infidelity.

Go out with her more, compliment her more, do some crazy, wild fun stuff with her.


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