# Have anyone here been separated/going through divorce w/o OM/OW involved?



## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I have been reading the forum a lot for support and it seems that most of the reasons for divorce imply another woman or man in the middle. 

Has anyone here separated due to midlife crisis, incompatibility, empty nest? 

Thank you for sharing!


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

There was no overt evidence of an EA/PA for my STBXW. Just codependent issues from my alcoholism. Once I sobered up, she didn't know how to deal with me. She could not bring herself to "fall back in love". She couldn't bring herself to commit to working things out. I don't know if that is what you are looking for.


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## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

My wife and I separated/are getting divorced just because we couldn't deal with each other anymore, in a nutshell. Also had three very young kids, each with special needs and many miscarriages. Think our own issues from the past and in the present just made it so we couldn't get along, and we both gave up. That's a very long story made very short, but yes, it does happen. Definitely gave up on both sides though. I said I wanted the divorce (knew she did too but she didn't say the words), I moved out, she filed, I wanted to reconcile, she didn't want to, etc.

I will say though to my knowledge she didn't cheat and I sure didn't, however two months after we separated she did meet a guy and hooked up. So no cheating, but still hurt. Hard to get past even though I know it's none of my business. What are you going through?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Same here, thank you for your replies. Married for 25 years if we count separation time, if not, 23.5 years... Empty nest, depression from him after kids left the nest. 

There was cheating more than 20 years ago, both ways. Although his was worse, mine was revenge and felt SO bad and dirty, worked out to be the super wife and mom with all my heart... I am over it now, but guess the real reason is the above mentioned in the other paragraph. 

Feel sad cause sometimes feel like a failure after all we have gone through, but guess it was a matter of time if he really wanted to get out maybe 20 years ago 

He is an alcoholic, I cared and wanted to work that with him but he is in deny and simply says doesnt want to move a finger for the relationship, he says is broken from a long time.

Trying to get over this and waiting for divorce to be filed, he is going to but hasnt.


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## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

I hear ya. How come you don't just file?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Because I am not the one who wants to quit. He is, and seems determined... but there are some assets and company issues to be arranged and have taken already 5 months... I am looking as it taking til the end of the year. The ball is on his court, there is nothing I can do to solve these issues and dont have a heart to do it if I could.


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## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

I can definitely understand that. I'm a bit tired so I can't remember who it was (Chuck maybe?) who said that some people will get divorced and then after a while they actually get remarried. I have to assume that is a very minimal situation but who knows. I think at this point you just have to ask yourself, is it worth it to wait around to figure out what he wants? If you know it's coming, and there's no way he's going to come around, maybe consider just doing it yourself, prepare yourself financially and emotionally, and just get er done. Just my opinion.


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## Orla (May 22, 2014)

No Other person, that I know of......but I know I am not the person he wants. It would be perfect if I would only completely change. I woke up one day and decided that I liked myself better before we were married than now. I had lost all my self esteem and confidence. When I set out to find it again the fights became intense.

I can not be what and who he wants nor do I want to change. I accepted him as he was. I never tried to change or modify any part of him. My job is to cheer him on and support his dreams, to help him grow to be the best man he can envision. I am suppose to have his back. I thought this was suppose to be a Partnership, so he would do the same for me. Nope, I guess my dreams and growth must some how further his agenda or they are "stupid", delusional, a waste of time and worst a waste of MONEY!!!! Now I was and still am the main $$ contributor to the family so for him to ***** about $$ is a joke. 

A friend of his married a very domestic goddess type ( who didn't work 80 hours a week at 3 jobs for 10 years so hubby could go to school) and now that is what he wants. A young sexy June Cleaver who is fresh and doe eyed. Some one with no emotional scars, someone who didn't bust her ass for the dream that was lied about, someone who doesn't know what a mean petty coward he is. This is why I made the considered choice NOT to ever have children with this man. ( That and when I told him I might be with child he bolted)

He wants a Do Over. I get left with all the debt and garbage and he gets a clean slate and a do-over. I had good instincts with the child issue.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Yes. Married 16 years now. He's 51 I'm 45. We owned a business together. Wound up being very toxic but hindsight is 20/20. Three years a go the business folded, had to claim bankruptcy and sold our house and moved to a different school district. 

Before that we grew apart emotionally. When all of that was completed I decided I didn't want to loose out marriage too. I really tried hard to rebuild the emotional connection between us but I was working alone. He was an emotional zombie. He moved out October of last year. I've been working hard at reconnecting while he's been ignoring me. No other people involved on either side. Just emotional shut down. Three years I've been trying. Now I'm done and saving for a legal separation. He still says he doesn't know what he wants. If I hear I don't know one more time I'm going to scream.

Here's what I think happened. We grew apart emotionally while still in business. Our children and business kept us together. When the business folded and our life shattered we both became depressed. I sought help for my depression and went on anti depressants. He is still wallowing in his depression and mid life crises because he can't admit that's what it is. At this point he's emotionally stunted.

Sad really. I can't take the pain of limbo land anymore. Three years is enough. I'm working on me now and my children with a life without him. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. The backslides are horrible.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

movinonup said:


> I can definitely understand that. I'm a bit tired so I can't remember who it was (Chuck maybe?) who said that some people will get divorced and then after a while they actually get remarried. I have to assume that is a very minimal situation but who knows. I think at this point you just have to ask yourself, is it worth it to wait around to figure out what he wants? If you know it's coming, and there's no way he's going to come around, maybe consider just doing it yourself, prepare yourself financially and emotionally, and just get er done. Just my opinion.


Movingonup: Yes it was Chuck, he mentioned his parents re-married after 2 years of divorce. I had my IC this morning and will start looking for options on how I can accelerate the process that is delaying so long. I can't be depending on him also on that besides financially and somehow emotionally.

thank you!!


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Hopefull363 said:


> Yes. Married 16 years now. He's 51 I'm 45. We owned a business together. Wound up being very toxic but hindsight is 20/20. Three years a go the business folded, had to claim bankruptcy and sold our house and moved to a different school district.
> 
> Before that we grew apart emotionally. When all of that was completed I decided I didn't want to loose out marriage too. I really tried hard to rebuild the emotional connection between us but I was working alone. He was an emotional zombie. He moved out October of last year. I've been working hard at reconnecting while he's been ignoring me. No other people involved on either side. Just emotional shut down. Three years I've been trying. Now I'm done and saving for a legal separation. He still says he doesn't know what he wants. If I hear I don't know one more time I'm going to scream.
> 
> ...


Hopefull, Same here! We owned a business for 15 years, shoulder by shoulder we built 2 companies from 0. These became successful so dont think it would not come if he is weak somehow... we were already in the phase where people at the office took care of most of the things and we took our daily walk from 7-8, and went to the office until 9, got out at 5... dream company owner life huh? Together 24/7 almost. 

Back, almost 2 years ago he went into an emotional shut down too... on his side after kids flew from the nest, but have discovered there were other issues too... Sad but as you I feel the same about his battle with depression (he chooses to drink... "easier to fly than to fight"... Closed his heart and is like he wants another break up, as if his relationship with his kids was a break up when they chose to leave. He has gotten distant from them. He said life was nothing without them here... what about me? 

I totally understand you. 

So happy to meet you, sadly here  

But we will get through this, we are fighters! ((((HUG)))))


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Orla said:


> No Other person, that I know of......but I know I am not the person he wants. It would be perfect if I would only completely change. I woke up one day and decided that I liked myself better before we were married than now. I had lost all my self esteem and confidence. When I set out to find it again the fights became intense.
> 
> I can not be what and who he wants nor do I want to change. I accepted him as he was. I never tried to change or modify any part of him. My job is to cheer him on and support his dreams, to help him grow to be the best man he can envision. I am suppose to have his back. I thought this was suppose to be a Partnership, so he would do the same for me. Nope, I guess my dreams and growth must some how further his agenda or they are "stupid", delusional, a waste of time and worst a waste of MONEY!!!! Now I was and still am the main $$ contributor to the family so for him to ***** about $$ is a joke.
> 
> ...


Orla, I am sorry you are getting through this. But happy there are no children, cause they suffer even they are 24 and 22 as mine, and his dad is getting distant. 

One thing I have noticed is that since we separated, even though I was in grief... my mom, sister, and then other family members and friends who didnt know we were separated started and keep on telling me I look better, like happier... deep inside I thought to myself at the beginning: "yeah sure!" ... but I am conviced now cause what started as a: "I wont look like a failure, even though I felt it inside"... ended up getting a habit and I am really happy to be myself, speak out without being afraid I "mess up" or dress up to go out even to the grocery store... I had myself in abandoment. 

It is amazing how you keep on discovering things day after day... small steps, but we will get our self-confidence back! We will!!


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