# What is your biggest question about having a great relationship?



## HappierEverAfter

I've been divorced for 5 years (after 15 years of marriage) and am now in a great relationship with a wonderful woman who is also divorced. We've been together just over a year and want our relationship to get better and better as time goes on -- more connected, passionate and loving.

It seems most couples seem to "settle" for OK in their relationship (and research says even the best relationships decline over time). We want to be the exception and learn with other couples that also want connection and passion to increase every year.

What would you like to learn in order to make your relationship great?


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## Lostinthought61

NEVER take each other for granted...and never take each kiss for granted either


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## Satya

Have lots of good quality sex.
Even if you don't feel like it, just decide that you'll make an effort. Decide on your attitude and stick with it.

I firmly believe sex is the glue that bonds couples together. It might not be the only thing, nor is it always the most important to everyone, but the release of chemicals (Oxytocin) is the bonding drug.

So as Odo says to others who ask why I see anything in him, "I keep her Oxytocin topped up."

It's not a joke to me. Sex keeps us respectful and in love, plus it's brought out some of the best laughs, which is another thing you need to keep strong - humor.


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## 269370

HappierEverAfter said:


> I've been divorced for 5 years (after 15 years of marriage) and am now in a great relationship with a wonderful woman who is also divorced. We've been together just over a year and want our relationship to get better and better as time goes on -- more connected, passionate and loving.
> 
> 
> 
> It seems most couples seem to "settle" for OK in their relationship (and research says even the best relationships decline over time). We want to be the exception and learn with other couples that also want connection and passion to increase every year.
> 
> 
> 
> What would you like to learn in order to make your relationship great?



10 books would not be enough to answer that question properly.

1. Recently, I feel like avoiding blaming the other person at all cost can help avoid building resentment which is the main killer of any relationship IMO.
Sometimes it’s very difficult not to, especially if your logic is telling you clearly that they ****ed up...
Ignore it. Find ways to be charitable towards the other person and give them the benefit of the doubt (that actually applies to most human interactions). I think Christianity got this part right (I’m not religious).

2. Regular/connected sex and long open talks help solidify the bond which is otherwise easily broken/weakened. (You have to have raw attraction towards each other in the first place for this to make sense).

3. Collect memories together. Travel, experience stuff together and talk about it.

4. Give each other space and let the other person be themselves. That one is possibly underrated. No matter how close you feel to each other, remember that you are still two separate units that need to grow individually to be able to also grow together.

There’s lots more but these are the main ones that are most ‘generic’ off the top of my head.
But I’m not an expert. I have been with my wife since we were 16/17 and we have been through many difficult periods. Don’t think about odds, it’s depressing...

Enjoy.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Um Excuse Me

inmyprime said:


> 10 books would not be enough to answer that question properly.
> 
> There’s lots more but these are the main ones that are most ‘generic’ off the top of my head.
> But I’m not an expert. I have been with my wife since we were 16/17 and we have been through many difficult periods. Don’t think about odds, it’s depressing...
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Agree, but would like to add that when you start to find fault with your significant other, find yourself a good mirror and stand in front of it for a few minutes...see what I'm saying?


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## uhtred

Discover what makes your partner happy.


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## chillymorn69

Maturity.

Acceptance.

Generosity.


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## FalCod

I agree with the lots of sex comment, but I'd add lots of post-sex cuddling. The post-sex cuddling is great for bonding.

Respect each other. Value each others strengths and help with help with each others weaknesses.

Be honest. You don't have to say every thing that passes your mind. But don't lie or conceal anything important.

Don't play games. If your spouse is doing something that bothers you, talk about it. Don't "get back at them".

It's OK to disagree, but you should never yell at each other.

Trust each other and be trustworthy.

Maintain healthy, overlapping social circles. It is important that you each have plenty of other people in your lives. Many of them should be common friends, but it is perfectly fine to have friends that aren't mutual friends.

Keep your finances under control and stay aligned on spending and saving.

Watch out for each other. When he/she is tired or stressed or struggling, set aside your troubles and help them. You need to have each other's backs.


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## Diana7

Honesty, compromise, unselfishness, forgiveness.


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## john117

Money.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

john117 said:


> Money.


????

You have lots of that, but your marriage is over.

You are being facetious or ironic or...?


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## ConanHub

Sometimes I think people who think with complexity about this are mostly at a disadvantage.
@Satya has some very good foundational concepts.

Lots of good sex and laughter which doesn't require great complexity of thought.

Mrs. Conan and I often laugh so hard we don't need to do core work and are both generous with our loving.


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## john117

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> ????
> 
> You have lots of that, but your marriage is over.
> 
> You are being facetious or ironic or...?


Not at all.

Without money, reasonable money, not 1%, things become a lot more hairy down the road. 

Hard to create loving memories with trips to Goodwill.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

john117 said:


> Not at all.
> 
> Without money, reasonable money, not 1%, things become a lot more hairy down the road.
> 
> Hard to create loving memories with trips to Goodwill.


Okay, but as a list of one, is it not woefully incomplete?

Or were you just adding that one item on top of the others already presented?


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## [email protected]

john117 said:


> Not at all.
> 
> Without money, reasonable money, not 1%, things become a lot more hairy down the road.
> 
> Hard to create loving memories with trips to Goodwill.


Rubbish.

I am living right now where families are getting by on less than ten dollars a day. Boy, do I see happy families! Happy marriages. 

I married into this culture because the women are zealous with commitment to family. They LOVE their husbands and look upon men as wonderful things to cherish and devote themselves to. They think feminism is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of. The very idea of men and women in opposition to one another is simply unfathomable. 

And we find Goodwill a poor selection at prices too high. The dumpsters have better prices. The kids LOVE going to the dumpsters.


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## aine

inmyprime said:


> 10 books would not be enough to answer that question properly.
> 
> Some great points here, though some difficult to implement. I know I struggle big time and am less generous than I used to be.
> 
> 
> 1. Recently, I feel like avoiding blaming the other person at all cost can help avoid building resentment which is the main killer of any relationship IMO. resentment kills everything
> Sometimes it’s very difficult not to, especially if your logic is telling you clearly that they ****ed up...
> Ignore it. Find ways to be charitable towards the other person and give them the benefit of the doubt (that actually applies to most human interactions). I think Christianity got this part right (I’m not religious). It did I suppose, says we should overlook offenses, but there has to be a limit, no?
> 
> 2. Regular/connected sex and long open talks help solidify the bond which is otherwise easily broken/weakened. (You have to have raw attraction towards each other in the first place for this to make sense). Essential I would say
> 
> 3. Collect memories together. Travel, experience stuff together and talk about it. Doing things together is very important, I would say
> 
> 4. Give each other space and let the other person be themselves. That one is possibly underrated. No matter how close you feel to each other, remember that you are still two separate units that need to grow individually to be able to also grow together.True
> 
> There’s lots more but these are the main ones that are most ‘generic’ off the top of my head.
> But I’m not an expert. I have been with my wife since we were 16/17 and we have been through many difficult periods. Don’t think about odds, it’s depressing...
> 
> Enjoy. How happy are you in the marriage now?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

I can hardly recall a time when marriage has been better. But whether I’m happy, is a different question. I’m often unhappy, when I know I should be happy because I know that the moment I acknowledge it, it’s already over.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## brooklynAnn

[email protected] said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> I am living right now where families are getting by on less than ten dollars a day. Boy, do I see happy families! Happy marriages.
> 
> I married into this culture because the women are zealous with commitment to family. They LOVE their husbands and look upon men as wonderful things to cherish and devote themselves to. They think feminism is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of. The very idea of men and women in opposition to one another is simply unfathomable.
> 
> And we find Goodwill a poor selection at prices too high. The dumpsters have better prices. The kids LOVE going to the dumpsters.


Brazil??


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## aine

brooklynAnn said:


> Brazil??


Philippines?


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## aine

[email protected] said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> I am living right now where families are getting by on less than ten dollars a day. Boy, do I see happy families! Happy marriages.
> 
> I married into this culture because the women are zealous with commitment to family. They LOVE their husbands and look upon men as wonderful things to cherish and devote themselves to. Until the men cheat on them and then 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' I live in SE Asia too. They think feminism is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of. Until the male no longer coughs up the dough, then they can suddenly become very money minded, anti male and fight for their rights. As long as your wallet has something in it you are good to go. Never could understand how someone who is 30 years older than a fine young thing could possibly fool himself into thinking the fine young thing was after him for his good looks and his body. Don't kid yourself, it is just a transactional exchange, you got the money and she's got the p**** . But heck if that is enough for you whom am I to judge. The very idea of men and women in opposition to one another is simply unfathomable. Really, I think you may be living in fantasy land. I suspect you are talking about the Philippines, with the laws not allowing divorce, many appear to live in such a world but the reality is very much different. In addition many of those young nubile and sometimes not so good-looking women go to neighboring countries to work and have no qualms whatsoever about breaking up other people's families including their own families by f****** anything that will give them something in return. See it too many times.
> The reality is once you get older, no longer serve your purpose (financially) , God forbid you end up with no money or become senile, then things can change very very quickly
> 
> And we find Goodwill a poor selection at prices too high. The dumpsters have better prices. The kids LOVE going to the dumpsters.


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## SimplyAmorous

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 


On the flip side... here is what to avoid at all costs... 

 The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> *** *Defensiveness*- conveys the message, “*The problem is not me. It’s you.*” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
> 
> Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> *** *Stonewalling* -
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
> 
> Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....
> 
> Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall


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## arbitrator

*The absolute best elixir in the world for a married couple is a sense of humor, laughter, understanding, unselfishly satisfying each other's sexual needs, and basic forgiveness! And having God present in your marriage is certainly a most desirable asset!

And always remember to laugh with one another during the faux pas' of loving sex!*


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## meson

It always helps to really listen to your spouse. Pull yourself out of your context and seek to understand their needs and wants. Then try to deliver what you can to satisfy them while also fulfilling your needs and wants.


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## aine

[email protected] said:


> Rubbish.
> 
> I am living right now where families are getting by on less than ten dollars a day. Boy, do I see happy families! Happy marriages.
> 
> I married into this culture because the women are zealous with commitment to family. They LOVE their husbands and look upon men as wonderful things to cherish and devote themselves to. They think feminism is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of. The very idea of men and women in opposition to one another is simply unfathomable.
> 
> And we find Goodwill a poor selection at prices too high. The dumpsters have better prices. The kids LOVE going to the dumpsters.


Where is this Nirvana, Philippines?


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## Nirvanasky

I think you should try and see what would happen in specific situation thats what I would like to know, like e.g. how would my partner react if you started having sex at public places


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## Lila

Zombie thread. Closing


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