# How to handle non-stop flirting with your wife



## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

First let me say I'm not an extremely jealous type of person but lately I'm getting on edge. Both me and my wife are 50 years old and have been married 30 years. The catch to us both being 50 is she looks MUCH younger than she is and is attractive and hot for any age but for 50 she is extremely so. Its honestly not me being partial and just saying this. As recently as last week she was at the doctor with her Mother and the doctor begin to tell my wife that she needed to be sure to schedule her yearly exams once she turns 40. 

To be honest it has been great and I love the fact that even as a grandmother she turns heads everywhere we go. Guys flirting with her and checking her out has always just been a fact of life. While in high school my son had to listen to his friends talking about how hot his Mom was. It bothered him at times to the point that he talked to me about it. 
My wife has always handled it like a champ. She is very modest and just laughs off all the flirts as they didn't mean it that way or they were just kidding. I have never had a problem with her flirting back.

Now with all the above said lately there has been a few people who are ticking me off so need advice as to how to handle it. There is a couple of people we are rarely around so with them its not that big of a problem. The problem comes in when we are with a couple that are great friends of ours. We see them on a regular basis and once every year or sometimes two we take a weekend trip together. It has always worked great since we share the same interest and we are all empty nesters moving on to the next stage of life. They guy is one of my 3 best friends. The problem is the little flirty remarks constantly made to my wife. This happens even when his wife is present. 
I have complete trust in my wife but having real doubts about my friend. It doesn't bother me for strangers to check her out but when one your best friends checks your wife out from head to toe without trying to hide it you have to wonder how fast he would jump in bed with her.
How would you handle this without causing a big scene or am I making something out of nothing?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Aub85 said:


> First let me say I'm not an extremely jealous type of person but lately I'm getting on edge. Both me and my wife are 50 years old and have been married 30 years. The catch to us both being 50 is she looks MUCH younger than she is and is attractive and hot for any age but for 50 she is extremely so. Its honestly not me being partial and just saying this. As recently as last week she was at the doctor with her Mother and the doctor begin to tell my wife that she needed to be sure to schedule her yearly exams once she turns 40.
> 
> To be honest it has been great and I love the fact that even as a grandmother she turns heads everywhere we go. Guys flirting with her and checking her out has always just been a fact of life. While in high school my son had to listen to his friends talking about how hot his Mom was. It bothered him at times to the point that he talked to me about it.
> My wife has always handled it like a champ. She is very modest and just laughs off all the flirts as they didn't mean it that way or they were just kidding. I have never had a problem with her flirting back.
> ...


There's nothing to wonder about; he would almost certainly want to get her in bed if she was willing.

She may not know this, but it's true, since men and women who find each other attractive have a very tough time being "just friends".

You should put a stop to this, preferably by telling him to cut it out because you know what he's thinking. He'll deny it, but if he doesn't stop after that you know he's still hoping, in which case you will probably have to find a way to cut him out. Otherwise you never know what will happen even if your wife is as trustworthy as you say. A lot of women never thought they would cheat until they do...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd simply tell him it makes you uneasy and quit it. Beyond that you don't need to do anything. He can't "jump in bed with her" when she's not jumping in with him and you already said she's trust worthy.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

technovelist said:


> There's nothing to wonder about; he would almost certainly want to get her in bed if she was willing.
> 
> She may not know this, but it's true, since men and women who find each other attractive have a very tough time being "just friends".
> 
> You should put a stop to this, preferably by telling him to cut it out because you know what he's thinking. He'll deny it, but if he doesn't stop after that you know he's still hoping, in which case you will probably have to find a way to cut him out. Otherwise you never know what will happen even if your wife is as trustworthy as you say. A lot of women never thought they would cheat until they do...


I'm not sure he'd deny it. I do think you should say something man-to-man to him. My ex is like this guy. I put up with it for many, many, many years. And yes, he eventually cheated. I wish someone had pulled him aside and told him to knock it off. (In his case, he wouldn't have denied it....not sure he would have stopped, but he wouldn't have denied it since it was so obvious to everyone who knows him)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> First let me say I'm not an extremely
> Now with all the above said lately there has been a few people who are ticking me off so need advice as to how to handle it. There is a couple of people we are rarely around so with them its not that big of a problem. The problem comes in when we are with a couple that are great friends of ours. We see them on a regular basis and once every year or sometimes two we take a weekend trip together. It has always worked great since we share the same interest and we are all empty nesters moving on to the next stage of life. They guy is one of my 3 best friends. The problem is the little flirty remarks constantly made to my wife. This happens even when his wife is present.
> I have complete trust in my wife but having real doubts about my friend. It doesn't bother me for strangers to check her out but when one your best friends checks your wife out from head to toe without trying to hide it you have to wonder how fast he would jump in bed with her.
> How would you handle this without causing a big scene or am I making something out of nothing?


Have a casual meeting with him. Tell him man to man his actions are embarrassing and not welcomed. If you want to stay friends cut that sh!t out or you'll cut him out. PERIOD

Tell him in a way he understands. It's your WIFE!!!!! This is your duty and right.

Do allow him to argue or rebute you. Let him know if it happens again the friendship ends. He's got no say in anything regarding your life/wife.

What's your wife think about his actions?


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

She uses the same old line that she doesn't think he means anything by his comments. No way she doesn't notice it. I think its just a case that if she admits she's noticed it also it will make me madder.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Aub85 said:


> She uses the same old line that she doesn't think he means anything by his comments. No way she doesn't notice it. I think its just a case that if she admits she's noticed it also it will make me madder.


So you're setting up a situation where she can't communicate with you on this. What happens if he does make a pass or gropes her in passing? Will she be afraid to tell you for fear you'll kill the guy?

You need to handle this with a firm attitude but not one that people are going to fear, including your wife. She needs to feel like she can talk to you about this.

I think you need to have a serious but calm talk with her and explain how much this is bothering you and tell her you will tell him to quit. Be on the same page.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Thanks each of you that have replied and I agree with you. As Technovelist said nobody thinks they will cheat but I honestly think most would if they are put in the right circumstance. Thats sad to say but is a reflection of the day we live in.

While I'm getting advice I want to get your opinion on this to settle a disagreement. My wife recently had a birthday and on her FB page a guy she went to high school with posted Happy Birthday Beautiful. 
This post really ticked me off for several reasons. One is I don't know him at all. Next, its like throwing it out for everyone to see that you are flirting with someone's wife even though you are also married. 
If this comment had came from certain people I wouldn't have thought anything of it but it came from someone I don't know and she has not even seen since graduation.
My wife says he was just being funny and meant nothing by it. I say he was fishing. He was dropping a flirty hello to see what kind of response he would get. If she replied at all it would give him a chance to start a conversation


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> Thanks each of you that have replied and I agree with you. As Technovelist said nobody thinks they will cheat but I honestly think most would if they are put in the right circumstance. Thats sad to say but is a reflection of the day we live in.
> 
> While I'm getting advice I want to get your opinion on this to settle a disagreement. My wife recently had a birthday and on her FB page a guy she went to high school with posted Happy Birthday Beautiful.
> This post really ticked me off for several reasons. One is I don't know him at all. Next, its like throwing it out for everyone to see that you are flirting with someone's wife even though you are also married.
> ...


 It's inappropriate!!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Who cares? She hasn't seen him in like 30 years and the word beautiful sets you off?


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's inappropriate!!!



Thanks!! Glad you see where I'm coming from


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> Who cares? She hasn't seen him in like 30 years and the word beautiful sets you off?


I (female) frequently exchange "happy birthday, beautiful!" greetings with my girlfriends, and vice versa. If a man I had not seen in 30 years said that to me? It would be so weird!!! I'm 43 and I can think of one man from grade school I'm friends with now on FB. Have not seen him since 6th grade. It would be VERY VERY weird if he said, "Happy Birthday, Beautiful!" And I'm single! 

Unless of course I was secretly already conversing with him on Facebook....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I (female) frequently exchange "happy birthday, beautiful!" greetings with my girlfriends, and vice versa. If a man I had not seen in 30 years said that to me? It would be so weird!!! I'm 43 and I can think of one man from grade school I'm friends with now on FB. Have not seen him since 6th grade. It would be VERY VERY weird if he said, "Happy Birthday, Beautiful!" And I'm single!
> 
> Unless of course I was secretly already conversing with him on Facebook....


Weird? Agreed. Over the line enough to make me mad? Not even close. She hasn't seen him since Reagan was president, I couldn't even be bothered.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> Weird? Agreed. Over the line enough to make me mad? Not even close. She hasn't seen him since Reagan was president, I couldn't even be bothered.


But how would you know she wasn't Facebook messaging with him?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He obviously has little respect for you and anyone like that IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. So get his damn attention.

I do not know anyone who does this. I wouldn't do this to anyone's wife and no one will do it to mine.

Your wife by the way has no say so in how you handle this. Tell her after with zero compromise.

If you do this correctly with firm attitude he'll back up. If he doesn't next time it happens call him out in front of everyone and do not back down. 

You should have never allowed this in the first place. Read up on the attachment

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=DkAK8jcyMzWxTXtbpXwiPV98gQA-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

An alternative method would be to say to his wife next time you're out. "Your azz looks great in that skirt"!!!!!!

Think he'd like it???? Or your wife?????


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

I think you already know what you should've done but I'm guessing you don't want to ruin the friendship. If it was me I wouldn't even like the guy if he does anything inappropriate to my wife. You need to understand that he's disrespecting you so he's not a good friend.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Pollo said:


> I think you already know what you should've done but I'm guessing you don't want to ruin the friendship. If it was me I wouldn't even like the guy if he does anything inappropriate to my wife. You need to understand that he's disrespecting you so he's not a good friend.


He's not a friend period. He's a snake. Treat him like one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does his wife react to your friend flirting with your wife?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pretty simple, don't do anything with this couple anymore. Just the fact that you feel the need to tell him you have a problem with his behavior means he has no respect for you or his wife. A person like that doesn't deserve your friendship, certainly not your trust. Why would you even consider letting him around your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm not sure he'd deny it.


You may be right. I don't know many people who would admit to that, but maybe I've led a sheltered life. >


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

LOL..... Great thought!!


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think if you've been friends long enough to the point that you go on weekend getaways together it would be really good to at least communicate with the guy. Tell him honestly that you are considering no longer having him along because you feel he is disrespecting you by making flirtatious remarks toward your wife. What's weird (to me) about guys like that is they will usually try to defend themselves with a disclaimer, like I didn't mean it that way, or you took that wrong, or I'm just a natural flirt, blah blah blah. But don't let him think that makes it ok. Just plow ahead and tell him, "Regardless of your intentions toward my wife it's disrespectful to your friendship with me and I want it to stop."

End of story. 

I wonder what his response would be to that.

If he's still defensive then they are definitely off your hang-out list.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> LOL..... Great thought!!


Advice is worthless unless you use it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the guy really is such a good friend, just tell him his comments are disrespectful and piss you off and ask him to stop. If he doesn't, explain that a butt whooping is forthcoming. If he still persists, you can either quit hanging with him or you can just whoop that a$$ and both get on with life, free of flirty comments. If folks really are your friends you should trust them enough to talk frankly with them. It's possible this clown thinks his crap is funny or welcomed or that neither you or your wife mind. We tiptoe around people we don't trust.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Aub85 ~ Since he's supposedly one of your best friends, and since your "best friend's" abhorrent flirtaceous behavior aimed at your W is a cause for concern, then he needs to be casually but discretely called aside and told that this behavior of his around your W is unacceptable and will no longer be casually be tolerated! Then immediately walk away and remove yourself from his presence so that you don't have to subject yourself the certain possibility of various lame excuses on his part!

"Friends" do not treat their true "friends" that way! If they do, then they are only fooling themselves that they are your friend!

Regardless, they are totally disrespectful of both you and your W! Discretely put your "friend" back in his place!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We teach others how to treat us. If he's been acting like this for years it's because you've taught him it's ok. If you want respectful behavior, quit tolerating the disrespectful kind.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> But how would you know she wasn't Facebook messaging with him?


Ummm, because she's given no reason to think she is?

Some guy from 30 years ago says she's beautiful and suddenly he should think she could be FB messaging him? Holy ****, that's a slight reach with little evidence don't you think?

Not to mention, if he was Facebooking her, why wouldn't he just say 'Happy Birthday beautiful' in a PM instead of posting where everyone, including the hubby, could see?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Your situation is complicated because it can just be innocent or maybe more. My first fiancee cheated with one of my friends that flirted with her. So did my second girlfriend. Then after I married, my wife jumped at the chance to have sex with the husband of our best friends when they asked us to wife swap. He was too rough with my wife and left her bruised. I saw him the next day and told him that he hurt my wife. He just shrugged his shoulders. They never called us anymore once they knew we were not going to have sex with them again. With my second girlfriend, my friend used to come over a lot and flirt with her and she with him. I trusted the guy since we were in combat together and had each other's backs but it seems that when it comes to sex, nothing else matters. Now I will confront anyone who flirts with my wife and even get physical if need be to stop it. 

If I was you I would tell your friend to cool it with the flirting because it makes you uncomfortable. If he is a good friend he will do as you ask. If his interest in you is because of your wife, you will learn that too when you see less and less of them.

My wife is bi so we sometimes find ourselves hanging out with a married couple because we are attracted to the wife and not the husband. So we both know how that goes.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hey by the way what is this friends history with women. Read Ckone?? or navytec threads. Their best friend were posm who had scored other guys wifes. Care to case how that friendship turned out ?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

The OP has admittedly said he has anger/jealousy issues and is getting upset over a guy from three decades ago using the word beautiful in a FB post. Can you image what he's like when a guy checks out his wife? I can't imagine it's very easy for his wife to talk to him about anything relating to men. Does she even mention male co-workers to him for fear he'll think they are trying to get in her pants? I could see her pushing aside the friends flirting because she simply doesn't want to have to deal with another issue surrounding a guy with the OP.

Bottom line man, your wife has proven to be very trust worthy according to your own words. Tell the friend to stop the flirting and let the rest be. Your wife is an adult and more than capable of telling any would be flirt to **** off if they make a pass, treat her like an adult and trust that she will ignore these flirts until she gives you a reason not to.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> The OP has admittedly said he has anger/jealousy issues and is getting upset over a guy from three decades ago using the word beautiful in a FB post. Can you image what he's like when a guy checks out his wife? I can't imagine it's very easy for his wife to talk to him about anything relating to men. Does she even mention male co-workers to him for fear he'll think they are trying to get in her pants? I could see her pushing aside the friends flirting because she simply doesn't want to have to deal with another issue surrounding a guy with the OP.
> 
> Bottom line man, your wife has proven to be very trust worthy according to your own words. Tell the friend to stop the flirting and let the rest be. Your wife is an adult and more than capable of telling any would be flirt to **** off if they make a pass, treat her like an adult and trust that she will ignore these flirts until she gives you a reason not to.


Sorry but I think you need to be more bold when you talk about it . 

Deep down most women want their man to have somewhat of a "bad boy "side.
they like a guy that is not necessarily jealous, but Territorial, willing to protect her and their relationship from harm. 

OP, you need to let any dog on your turf know when they cross the line. Just do it in a private, controlled manner when you can. Get him alone and tell him he has crossed the line, you feel disrespected and you will not put up with it. Nip it in the bud. I've had to do it and it works. 
Good luck


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just take your friend aside and talk to him.

Have they started swinging?

We had a really good friend for years.
Kids played together and we all ate together often and attended church as a group.

They recently, last 3 years, separated and were sort of working on their marriage.

We still had him over for dinner and he and I still played racquetball and were very much part of each others lives.

He started flirting with Mrs. Conan and giving her full frontal hugs firmly and for too long.

I trust my wife so I asked if she was ok and what her feelings were.

She seemed ok but bothered.

I then shared my feelings and we ejected him without ceremony from our lives.

Might need to do the same with your friend, depending on how your talk goes and his behavior going forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

You must have selective reading...lol. I thought it was VERY strange that the guy from 30 years ago posted that on her page. It looks like many others here think the same thing. As I said and you decided not to mention I'm far from the jealous type. If I was we would have never made it. Yes, I trust my wife but there are still some weird people out there who don't understand no


kingsfan said:


> The OP has admittedly said he has anger/jealousy issues and is getting upset over a guy from three decades ago using the word beautiful in a FB post. Can you image what he's like when a guy checks out his wife? I can't imagine it's very easy for his wife to talk to him about anything relating to men. Does she even mention male co-workers to him for fear he'll think they are trying to get in her pants? I could see her pushing aside the friends flirting because she simply doesn't want to have to deal with another issue surrounding a guy with the OP.
> 
> Bottom line man, your wife has proven to be very trust worthy according to your own words. Tell the friend to stop the flirting and let the rest be. Your wife is an adult and more than capable of telling any would be flirt to **** off if they make a pass, treat her like an adult and trust that she will ignore these flirts until she gives you a reason not to.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

No swinging and although he is two years off of being caught in an affair. Like I said he is a friend but I don't trust him with my wife and his history proves he cant be trusted.


ConanHub said:


> Just take your friend aside and talk to him.
> 
> Have they started swinging?
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are absolutely right that he shouldn't put happy bday beautiful on FB. Yes, he was fishing. I'd send his wife, if he has one, a "happy birthday beautiful" to her the next time she has one. 

Totally inappropriate and any normal person should see that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

For all of you who have taken the time to advise on my friend please tell me what you think about this also. The same guys wife after he was caught cheating had implants put in although she really didn't need them. After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet.....LOL.
Neither my wife nor I ever admit it but I honestly think it kind of turned us both on. At least judging by the sex later after they left. 
Ladies especially how would you take this request?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Aub85 said:


> . After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet.....LOL.


I'm not a woman but you should have told us in your opening post that you just fell of a turnip truck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think lots of questionable women ask their buds to feel of their new boobs. I do think it's questionable.

Have you fell off the turnip truck?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude if you don't mind having your best friends c0ck in your beautiful wife then continue down the same path.

His main goal is to fack your wife - Im 100% certain. Plus he knows the game. He is eroding the boundaries so your wife will entertain the idea and start to actually think about it. W helped out - and now you have helped out by including that in your fantasy sex. MAKE NO MISTAKE - this is a direct to path to bedding the W.

His W had the implants either a) to keep him because she know he strays or b) because they are starting a new sexual life that may well include swinging.

BOTH of these reasons are bad news for you, a guy who looks 10 years older than W.

She will start to wonder- they're turning back the clock and H is racing toward the AARP. Formula for mid life crises. BTW that's why I started "plan 38" with the W - we are working out and losing weight and updating our wardrobe etc to turn back the clock on our marriage and sex life.

Get your head out of the sand. The lack of jealousy has served your marriage well and shown W you are confident and allow her to be a bit of a showpiece. Unfortunately the stars are no longer aligned that way. You need to obtain clue and move into protective mode. Let her know you know what's up with this guy and infidelity is a hard line that once crossed ends the marriage. Tell her she is beautiful and faithful but you realize these boundaries are being eroded and that's not acceptable.

In addition to cutting this guy out completely (my preference) or cutting him off at the knees (minimum if you stay friends) it's CRITICALLY important you also talk to W and let her know you are fighting for her. Reason is it should strengthen your marriage, and it heads off countermeasures on the other couples' part - if you remain friends but try to stop this they WILL put ideas on her head that you are being controlling and she should be free to make her own decisions. It will be divide and conquer but 2 against 1 and your end will be unspoken trust but their end will be active pursuit. Who will win that?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW as soon as one person in a couple starts to get the idea they could do better - no matter how good the relationship - doubts come up and can erode the relationship. Friend is investing in his W and showing her off... you are sitting back being "not the jealous type". Be very careful with this - where is the line between not jealous and not caring? If she asks this question even a little, you have to show her you care enough to defend your marriage.

The worst thing a guy can do is ignore something and let a woman spin on all the possibilities on what it means. Insecurities pop up out of nowhere - goes both ways actually.

Hope that made sense


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW I assume you kind of know this which is why you're here....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Aub85 said:


> First let me say I'm not an extremely jealous type of person but lately I'm getting on edge. Both me and my wife are 50 years old and have been married 30 years. The catch to us both being 50 is she looks MUCH younger than she is and is attractive and hot for any age but for 50 she is extremely so. Its honestly not me being partial and just saying this. As recently as last week she was at the doctor with her Mother and the doctor begin to tell my wife that she needed to be sure to schedule her yearly exams once she turns 40.
> 
> To be honest it has been great and I love the fact that even as a grandmother she turns heads everywhere we go. Guys flirting with her and checking her out has always just been a fact of life. While in high school my son had to listen to his friends talking about how hot his Mom was. It bothered him at times to the point that he talked to me about it.
> My wife has always handled it like a champ. She is very modest and just laughs off all the flirts as they didn't mean it that way or they were just kidding. I have never had a problem with her flirting back.
> ...




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9ZZgDqzAg:grin2:


If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
And she'll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you..........:grin2:


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Aub85 said:


> You must have selective reading...lol. I thought it was VERY strange that the guy from 30 years ago posted that on her page. It looks like many others here think the same thing. As I said and you decided not to mention I'm far from the jealous type. If I was we would have never made it. Yes, I trust my wife but there are still some weird people out there who don't understand no


Nothing selective about it. You came for advise and not some cookie cutter make you feel good version. Don't like it, don't heed my advise. 

Simple question; if you trust your wife 100%, exactly how do you think she will end up sleeping with your friend? 



Aub85 said:


> For all of you who have taken the time to advise on my friend please tell me what you think about this also. The same guys wife after he was caught cheating had implants put in although she really didn't need them. After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet.....LOL.
> Neither my wife nor I ever admit it but I honestly think it kind of turned us both on. At least judging by the sex later after they left.
> Ladies especially how would you take this request?


So you actually believe it's possible he got his wife to get breast implants, all as part of some ploy by them to get your wife to feel her tits which somehow will have the magical powers to lure your wife into their bedroom? Yeah, no jealousy issue there at all....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Aub85 said:


> No swinging and although he is two years off of being caught in an affair. Like I said he is a friend but I don't trust him with my wife and his history proves he cant be trusted.


He got caught in an affair 2 years ago and is flirting with your wife in front of his??!?

Eject this asshat from your life yesterday.

His wife might have felt inadequate after her husband cheated and got the surgery.

The breast thing with your wife might be normal but females often lead or make first contact with the swinging lifestyle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some guys are overly-flirty. Women know this. It bothers some women more than others, and it bothers some husbands more than others. Your wife is handling it, she seems like she will tell him to F*uck off if she needs to. 

In the meantime, if it bothers you...and it does.... then ya, tell him to knock it off. That you don't appreciate the flirty comments. 

The boob job thing? Some women do that. Fake boobs are interesting. 

The happy birthday thing? Means nothing. It may be the same thing this guy says to any woman. 

For someone who isn't jealous.... you have a lot of stressors relating to jealousy!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> For all of you who have taken the time to advise on my friend please tell me what you think about this also. The same guys wife after he was caught cheating had implants put in although she really didn't need them. After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet.....LOL.
> Neither my wife nor I ever admit it but I honestly think it kind of turned us both on. At least judging by the sex later after they left.
> Ladies especially how would you take this request?


I don't think this is unusual. More of a woman thing.

Women that get implants are proud of them and like to show them off. >


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Get your head out of the sand.


or his azz as I would put it.

Here's what you're doing Aub. By continuing to hang out with this bastard and his old lady you're making yourself look like a puzzy to your wife. The message you're sending is this bastard can do anything he wants and your just going to take it. That "Beta" behavior ain't sexy to woman. You're good buddy you can't turn loose or stand up to of is looking like the silver back gorilla.
Either do one of three things. Tell him if it happens one more time, you're done with him, just quit hanging out, or keep letting him try to get in your wife's pants. Maybe she'll hold him off. Doesn't look like her husband has what it takes to do it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

ThePheonix - back me up - I'm not way out there in my assessment am I? I'd be gunning for this dude... and dying my hair 

(I actually do dye my hair and I work out with a trainer - gotta do everything in my power to be attractive to da woman, right?)


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

wrt to the breast thing. I know that several women have openly asked other women if their 'additions' felt the same as the real deal. I am pretty sure that over 1/2 of the women I know who got them have asked other women in front of me or the other women told me after the fact.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

It's obvious that you're not really the jealous type, but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. If you feel like he has crossed that line, which is obvious that you do, END the friendship. If he asks why, tell him why man-to-man, and don't let him skirt around it.

My wife is also 50, and very attractive, so it comes with the territory. You have to decide on the boundaries, and enforce them when necessary.

I honestly feel sorry for the other man's wife, because undoubtedly, he is the kind that would probably fool around on her given the right opportunity.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

ok so the original post is legitimate concern, but when you get upset over someone saying "happy birthday beautiful" on FB, then it starts to look like you might be the jealous/controlling type. And if you ARE that type, your wife knows it, so if he has been FB messaging her, as was mentioned earlier, you are setting up a situation where your own wife may not feel comfortable sharing that info with you, even as she shuts it down. 

Happy Birthday beautiful???

Not a big deal. Please.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Glad someone else sees the craziness in this.


Evinrude58 said:


> You are absolutely right that he shouldn't put happy bday beautiful on FB. Yes, he was fishing. I'd send his wife, if he has one, a "happy birthday beautiful" to her the next time she has one.
> 
> Totally inappropriate and any normal person should see that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

She knows without a doubt that I care about her and our marriage. Why good has jealousy every done anyone? Its never stopped anyone from cheating and most of the time is unfounded.


TheTruthHurts said:


> BTW as soon as one person in a couple starts to get the idea they could do better - no matter how good the relationship - doubts come up and can erode the relationship. Friend is investing in his W and showing her off... you are sitting back being "not the jealous type". Be very careful with this - where is the line between not jealous and not caring? If she asks this question even a little, you have to show her you care enough to defend your marriage.
> 
> The worst thing a guy can do is ignore something and let a woman spin on all the possibilities on what it means. Insecurities pop up out of nowhere - goes both ways actually.
> 
> Hope that made sense


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Nothing is 100% and if anyone believes that they are only fooling theirself. I'm 99% sure she wouldn't even given the chance but still don't like his constant flirting. Its one thing for people to do it that you aren't around but another when they are suppose to be your friend


kingsfan said:


> Nothing selective about it. You came for advise and not some cookie cutter make you feel good version. Don't like it, don't heed my advise.
> 
> Simple question; if you trust your wife 100%, exactly how do you think she will end up sleeping with your friend?
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

He has already been down that road and was caught. His wife is a really great person but sometimes closed her yeys to keep peace.


Luvher4life said:


> It's obvious that you're not really the jealous type, but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. If you feel like he has crossed that line, which is obvious that you do, END the friendship. If he asks why, tell him why man-to-man, and don't let him skirt around it.
> 
> My wife is also 50, and very attractive, so it comes with the territory. You have to decide on the boundaries, and enforce them when necessary.
> 
> I honestly feel sorry for the other man's wife, because undoubtedly, he is the kind that would probably fool around on her given the right opportunity.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> She knows without a doubt that I care about her and our marriage. Why good has jealousy every done anyone? Its never stopped anyone from cheating and most of the time is unfounded.
> 
> 
> TheTruthHurts said:
> ...


You misunderstand (or I was unclear).

I did not say to become jealous.

I was conveying that your actions show an attitude you don't care ENOUGH to protect your marriage and put an end to this.

That's not jealousy. That's understanding people and keeping harmful people away from your marriage.

I feel you may not really understand people as well as you think. Particularly confirmed cheaters.

Please read more on infidelity in TAM - based on your posts so far I think you might be shocked at what people are capable of, and his common it is, and the scripts they follow.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Aub85 said:


> Glad someone else sees the craziness in this.


So what are you going to do about it? 

Seriously. Nothing crazy about it. But yeah, go after the other guys wife (if you can find her), or get upset at your wife. Or make some threatening comment on social media so this guy gets the hint. 

All makes YOU look like a crazy jealous husband.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Aub85 said:


> He has already been down that road and was caught. His wife is a really great person but sometimes closed her yeys to keep peace.


I suspected that much. It's sad really to see somebody get trampled on like that, and stay in a relationship with a cheater who won't change his patterns.

He is a poisonous and shallow person who respects nobody's boundaries. Kick him out of your lives, forcefully if need be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think OP is crazy jealous and his wife seems great.

The "friend" needs to go and if Mrs. Conan got a happy birthday beautiful from a guy who I wasn't close to, I might pay a little attention there, just to make sure the guy is on the up.

I trust Mrs. Conan but that doesn't extend to everyone she has ever known or been involved with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Go to the friend and ask why he is being disrespectful to your wife. Explain you do not appreciate the why he is treating your wife. Explain if it doesn't stop end of friendship. If that does not work, break his nose. No one has the right to be that disrespectful.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Aub85 said:


> Thanks each of you that have replied and I agree with you. As Technovelist said nobody thinks they will cheat but I honestly think most would if they are put in the right circumstance. Thats sad to say but is a reflection of the day we live in.
> 
> While I'm getting advice I want to get your opinion on this to settle a disagreement. My wife recently had a birthday and on her FB page a guy she went to high school with posted Happy Birthday Beautiful.
> This post really ticked me off for several reasons. One is I don't know him at all. Next, its like throwing it out for everyone to see that you are flirting with someone's wife even though you are also married.
> ...


You have a case if she responded. If not don't worry about it. Nothing you can do really with face book unless she shuts her account down.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

We are clueless about swinging and that lifestyle and plan to stay that way. To each his own but its not for either of us. I would be shocked if they were in to that but it wouldn't be the first time I have been shocked.


ConanHub said:


> He got caught in an affair 2 years ago and is flirting with your wife in front of his??!?
> 
> Eject this asshat from your life yesterday.
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

kingsfan said:


> Nothing selective about it. You came for advise and not some cookie cutter make you feel good version. Don't like it, don't heed my advise.
> 
> Simple question; if you trust your wife 100%, exactly how do you think she will end up sleeping with your friend?
> 
> ...


Are you out of your mind? How did you even come up with that? It never crossed my mind that it was ever intended that way. I was basically asking if this is a normal female thing or what. Your post is so far out in left field its hilarious :laugh::laugh::laugh:


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Thanks and yes it may seem that I'm jealous from what I posted but trust me if I was we would have had problems years ago. I actually like the fact that she is found attractive but as the old saying goes look but don't touch. The breast post was just made because I was wondering if it was a woman thing. No jealousy at all there. In fact I say grab them and check them out....rofl. Kidding but you get my point.


SunnyT said:


> Some guys are overly-flirty. Women know this. It bothers some women more than others, and it bothers some husbands more than others. Your wife is handling it, she seems like she will tell him to F*uck off if she needs to.
> 
> In the meantime, if it bothers you...and it does.... then ya, tell him to knock it off. That you don't appreciate the flirty comments.
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Your post hit the nail on the head. I trust my wife as much as you can trust someone but its others I don't trust and find it crazy odd that someone would post Happy Birthday Beautiful on her FB. You and I both know he was fishing. I didn't have a come apart on my wife because it wasn't her fault. I just ask her to let me know if he sent her a private message. She found it as odd as I did but thought he was just being funny.


ConanHub said:


> I don't think OP is crazy jealous and his wife seems great.
> 
> The "friend" needs to go and if Mrs. Conan got a happy birthday beautiful from a guy who I wasn't close to, I might pay a little attention there, just to make sure the guy is on the up.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You and your wife should read "Not Just Friends".

80% of affairs start as friendships.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Aub85 said:


> Thanks and yes it may seem that I'm jealous from what I posted but trust me if I was we would have had problems years ago. I actually like the fact that she is found attractive but as the old saying goes look but don't touch. The breast post was just made because I was wondering if it was a woman thing. No jealousy at all there. In fact I say grab them and check them out....rofl. Kidding but you get my point.


Mrs. Conan and her friend have checked each other out in the boob department.

Some women are just cool with that and we too had pretty hot sex afterwards! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Aub85 said:


> Nothing is 100% and if anyone believes that they are only fooling theirself. I'm 99% sure she wouldn't even given the chance but still don't like his constant flirting. Its one thing for people to do it that you aren't around but another when they are suppose to be your friend


Ok then, let me repeat the question you didn't answer, this time without using percentages. If you trust your wife exactly how do you think she will end up sleeping with your friend? How do you expect your wife is going to fall under the powers of this man?



Aub85 said:


> Are you out of your mind? *How did you even come up with that? *It never crossed my mind that it was ever intended that way. I was basically asking if this is a normal female thing or what. Your post is so far out in left field its hilarious :laugh::laugh::laugh:





Aub85 said:


> For all of you who have taken the time to advise on my friend please tell me what you think about this also. *The same guys wife after he was caught cheating had implants put in although she really didn't need them. After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet.*....LOL.
> Neither my wife nor I ever admit it but I honestly think it kind of turned us both on. At least judging by the sex later after they left.
> Ladies especially how would you take this request?


Don't imply that the man's wife is using her implants as a possible 'angle' and then find it funny someone would question your thought process.

Thus far in this thread you seem to be looking for a reaffirmation of your own feelings, not an open dialogue of the situation. If that's all you want just say so in the OP.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> Who cares? She hasn't seen him in like 30 years and the word beautiful sets you off?


I can bet you others on FB who saw this post also thinks it crossed the line.

If this were me, I would post a reply on her FB to the guy and say something like, "yup she is and it's why I married her"

Never, ever let some guy free access like this to your wife.

I would also have a huge issue with such a post unless I really knew the guy.

If your son or daughter saw another guy who is not their father posting something like this, do you think they'd approve? I bet not...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

kingsfan, I know *two* people who personally reconnected after many years on Facebook and ended up having affairs.

Both cases my friends wives had ex bf send FB friend request. One was immediately after a 25 year reunion and they became FB friend. Wife even asked my friend if he would mind if he was a FB friend!! Turned out within a month wifey was banging the ex.

Exes should, with almost no exception, be part of a present relationship in any way. Social media makes it very easy to visit the past etc and people will have lower boundaries then they would in real life.




kingsfan said:


> Weird? Agreed. Over the line enough to make me mad? Not even close. She hasn't seen him since Reagan was president, I couldn't even be bothered.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If this is a ONE time thing, I'd let it roll. Problem with this stuff is once a guy sees he can get away with it he'll keep going.

OP, are you FB friends with the other guys wife? If this were me, I'd post cheeky stuff about his wife. Most wives probably would not be too keen seeing their husband post such compliment about another woman. 

This is a case of fight fire with fire. Post stuff on his wife's timeline. I bet your wife won't like it. I'm being serious, not snarky. Usually people like this can't handle things being toss right back at them.

Make sure you are FB friends with the guys wife.



ABHale said:


> You have a case if she responded. If not don't worry about it. Nothing you can do really with face book unless she shuts her account down.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Calling a woman "beautiful" isn't just a throw-away comment, imo. It's often used in such a casual way that it can be defended as being such, but it's not. It's fishing. This type of thing is always fishing.

It works like this: guy (married or not) makes a habit of calling a woman (married or not) "beautiful" (or "sexy", or "sweetie" or whatever) in order to gauge her reaction. If it's not negative in any way, he feels good about himself because he (assumes) he made HER feel good about herself, even if she didn't quite acknowledge it.

So from that point on, every time he sees her, he'll pull that word out, thinking she likes it and it makes her feel good. Sometimes the woman (or man, this entire thing can be gender-reversed btw) will react positively, and yes, things can escalate. It's planting the seed, which is basic flirting 101.

It's light flirting. And light flirting should not be occurring between two people who are married to others, never mind while their spouses are present.

The only person I call beautiful (or sexy, or honey, or dear, or baby, or whatever) is my wife. Pet names are for people in relationships only.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aub85,

When someone flirts with your W write down what they say send it in a letter to his wife or girlfriend. If they flirt on line forward it. Put the name and number of a reputable polygraph operator in the area in the message. Say you're sorry but flirting is a symptom of deeper issues and are the way most affairs start.

A young guy at church used to flirt with my W, so I sent a message he didn't appreciate to his fiance, don't like it tough.

Tamat


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> I can bet you others on FB who saw this post also thinks it crossed the line.
> 
> If this were me, I would post a reply on her FB to the guy and say something like, "yup she is and it's why I married her"
> 
> ...


When I was a kid I seen a few guys call my mom beautiful, and they did it to her face in front of my dad. It didn't bother me and it didn't bother me likely because it didn't bother my dad. It was a comment made and you could tell it wasn't flirting.

Yes, it may not be as easy to determine if its a flirt or not via FB, but that's where the wife comes in. If she's not concerned by it, and you trust her, let it go. Either that or start snooping and micro managing everything, get into her FB and watch for messages, etc. If you want to go that route go ahead, I'd rather just be single then worry about every little comment that's made.



jdawg2015 said:


> kingsfan, I know *two* people who personally reconnected after many years on Facebook and ended up having affairs.
> 
> Both cases my friends wives had ex bf send FB friend request. One was immediately after a 25 year reunion and they became FB friend. Wife even asked my friend if he would mind if he was a FB friend!! Turned out within a month wifey was banging the ex.
> 
> Exes should, with almost no exception, be part of a present relationship in any way. Social media makes it very easy to visit the past etc and people will have lower boundaries then they would in real life.


And where was it said he's even an ex? It's a guy she went to high school with. Did they actually have a relationship?



alexm said:


> Calling a woman "beautiful" isn't just a throw-away comment, imo. It's often used in such a casual way that it can be defended as being such, but it's not. It's fishing. This type of thing is always fishing.
> 
> It works like this: guy (married or not) makes a habit of calling a woman (married or not) "beautiful" (or "sexy", or "sweetie" or whatever) in order to gauge her reaction. If it's not negative in any way, he feels good about himself because he (assumes) he made HER feel good about herself, even if she didn't quite acknowledge it.
> 
> ...


That's the thing, it's not flirting between two people. The wife's done nothing here. Seems people forget that a woman has a mind and can decide for herself if she drops her undies or not for the first guy with a flirty comment that comes along.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> That's the thing, it's not flirting between two people. The wife's done nothing here. Seems people forget that a woman has a mind and can decide for herself if she drops her undies or not for the first guy with a flirty comment that comes along.


kingsfan, there are many ways to "respond" to such a FB message like this. Personally this is why I hate FB because it allows interactions that would not likely occur in real life.

You are ignoring the fact that OP is the husband and also has a say in this matter. Your style is classic response saying innocent when the everyone else in the room knows its a bit too much. 

As men we often assume no outward rejection to a comment means it's ok. This is why OP is waffling on how to handle. I think it's obvious such a comment calling a person beautiful is flirting. And most men don't appreciate another guy doing it with their wife. I honestly don't have a SINGLE friend who would make such a comment to any woman I was with. It's crossing a line. 

So now this comes down to response. If she ignores, that is fine. But FB guy now crossed a boundary that OP is not ok with. It does not matter what you and I think. It's his boundary. 
This is why OP and wife need to discuss how to handle such things. If this is a one time thing I'd let it go and ask wife to unfriend him. But my style is once a line is crossed with an OSF it's lights out with no return. 

OP should not sit flat footed as you seem to imply. It bothers him. So he needs to speak up. You are trying to convince him that his boundary is wrong. What we need to be doing is help him establish communication on this issue with his wife so she respects him.

She may not have initiated the comment, she may not have responded. But that is not always the end of the story.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Jdawg spot on. 33 year relationship and not jealous but strong boundaries. And W and I respect each other's boundaries. This is way uncool but we would share it and defuse it and all would be good. Address the elephant in the room


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Is it flirting? Yes. I have never said it's not.
Is it his boundary? Yes. But he came here for advice, so one would think it's ok to give that, which I did.
Do they need to discuss this? Yes, that's what I said about three pages ago.

I am not trying to convince him his boundary is wrong. I'm saying his wife isn't simply going to have sex with someone because they may have made a pass. His wife can make decisions on her own and the OP himself has said repeatedly he trusts her and has never been given any reason to doubt her, nor has he said she ever responded positively towards these flirts. As such if I was in his shoes, which is where my advice is coming from, I would simply state the friends comments bother me and ask her for her opinion and reach a common agreement on the matter with her. For someone that is being described as a pretty good wife and person, she doesn't seem to be getting much credit for having a mind of her own and being able to tell these guys to piss off herself.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

To clarify - I would tell W I thing guy x is trolling and I am totally not cool with that. Who is this guy?

Then if ex then shut him down if some random dude then figure it out together.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yeah we posted at the same time but I think we're on the same page


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I would say you talk to your alleged friend, but with his cheating he'd have been out of my life yesterday. Sounds like this is how he got the other woman to cheat. Pushing boundaries is how players operate. Allow this to continue at your own peril. Remember, if he is your friend your wife may hate it, but doesn't want you to resent her. So, she plays it off.



> The same guys wife after he was caught cheating had implants put in although she really didn't need them. After having this done she takes my wife to the bathroom to show her and then ask my wife to feel of them to see if they still felt natural or were too firm. Was this just women being women or is this couple working an angle that my wife and I haven't caught on to yet


As to your weird leap into the swinger world, her husband cheated. Sadly, some men and women do anything to stay with their spouses. She sounds like a woman who is trying to please and win her husband back, even though he failed her. I bet if you saw the other woman, this guy's wife is trying to look like his affair partner. Actually, with limited information, I feel sorry for his wife.



Aub85 said:


> You must have selective reading...lol. I thought it was VERY strange that the guy from 30 years ago posted that on her page. It looks like many others here think the same thing. As I said and you decided not to mention I'm far from the jealous type. If I was we would have never made it. Yes, I trust my wife but there are still some weird people out there who don't understand no


LOL. Dude, "ticked off" and "upset" are much closer in meaning than weird.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Aub85,

No, You are not being jealous. Trust your gut feelings. The guy's comments are inappropriate, and certainly not innocent. As other have said, either

1. Cut this person from your friend-circle, or 
2. Let others (in your group) know his actions and be on alert
3. Take this person on side and have a talk
4. Every time he makes such comments to your wife and his wife is present, say something like "I bet you would think your wife is also beautiful" ... or "I wish you could say the same thing to your wife", or "Yes, my wife is beautiful, but your wife is a saint!" 

However, that friend is a snake. You don't need an enemy.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

kingsfan said:


> When I was a kid I seen a few guys call my mom beautiful, and they did it to her face in front of my dad. It didn't bother me and it didn't bother me likely because it didn't bother my dad. It was a comment made and you could tell it wasn't flirting.
> *
> No, but it is. It's the type of thing that is not usually worth getting angry over (as in the example above), but I don't really care what the scenario is - remarking on one's looks in a positive way is absolutely flirty behaviour, regardless of situation. Even when the one saying it does not really have an agenda or an angle. There are several women around me who are good looking, but I keep it to myself. My wife's best friend is stunning, (as is my wife, btw) and both my wife and I know this. It's totally okay for my wife to tell her this (and she does) but not at all okay for me to say it, imo.
> 
> ...


*Nope, she hasn't done anything wrong. Not sure anybody said that, unless they were referring to her not commenting back to the guy, and that being taken as acceptance? (and even then, she didn't do anything "wrong").*


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No, commenting on how someone looks is not "absolutely flirting." Yes, context matters and how or what is mentioned. OP has every right to feel it is inappropriate, but some of these comments are straight up paranoia. Just like you have every right to feel it is flirting to you, but it is neither absolute does it always mean you find the person attractive.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

EXACTLY!!! Thank you!!


jdawg2015 said:


> I can bet you others on FB who saw this post also thinks it crossed the line.
> 
> If this were me, I would post a reply on her FB to the guy and say something like, "yup she is and it's why I married her"
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

She barely even knew the guy who made the crazy post. They went to a large school and she knew who he was but never dated and weret't even what you would call friends. That mad it that much crazier. There are some crazy people both men and women that don't mind making a move on FB both she and I have experienced this.


intheory said:


> Okay, so weekend-trip-ogling-guy and "happy birthday, beautiful" guy, are two different people; just to be clear, I was starting to get them confused.
> 
> So you don't know the Facebook guy; he is your wife's high school friend; does that mean he was in her larger social circle, or he sat next to her in English class sophomore year, or that they dated for 6 months?
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Great post!! 


alexm said:


> Calling a woman "beautiful" isn't just a throw-away comment, imo. It's often used in such a casual way that it can be defended as being such, but it's not. It's fishing. This type of thing is always fishing.
> 
> It works like this: guy (married or not) makes a habit of calling a woman (married or not) "beautiful" (or "sexy", or "sweetie" or whatever) in order to gauge her reaction. If it's not negative in any way, he feels good about himself because he (assumes) he made HER feel good about herself, even if she didn't quite acknowledge it.
> 
> ...


----------



## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Its a guy she knew but was never in the same circle of friends talked on phone or anything. Just a random post from left field. She thought it was crazy but blew it off as he was being funny. She honestly don't know how some guys can be. She just don't see people doing those kind of things...lol


intheory said:


> This is why I asked upthread who the Facebook guy is: a casual high school acquaintance, whom OP's wife could hardly remember? *He* looked *her* up and sought her out on FB.
> 
> Or the guy she went to senior prom with; her first kiss --- that kind of thing. She eagerly friended him a couple of years ago.
> 
> ...


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Aub85 said:


> I have complete trust in my wife but having real doubts about my friend. It doesn't bother me for strangers to check her out but when one your best friends checks your wife out from head to toe without trying to hide it you have to wonder how fast he would jump in bed with her.
> How would you handle this without causing a big scene or am I making something out of nothing?


As someone else mentioned, friendships change over time. Friends don't always stay friends for life, and sometimes friendships are ended for good reason.

It's hard losing one of your best friends, but honestly what kind of friend is this guy? That's very disrespectful behaviour from him Aub. IMO, real friends know better than that. 

Plus he's a cheater whose been ogling your wife (your words). You've said your wife is really pretty and gets flirted with a lot, but this flirt has lots of access to your wife and is a known cheater.

Aub, it's not my friendship to lose, I hear you he's a good friend. But I wouldn't want him around my wife. 

From your OP "having real doubts about my friend"... how much do you (not your wife, you) really enjoy hanging out with this couple these days? 

How are you going to feel next time he flirts with your wife, after you posted on this site worried, and lots of advice is to tell him to knock it off once and for all, or to end the friendship? It's now a pretty big elephant in the room.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

alexm said:


> *Nope, she hasn't done anything wrong. Not sure anybody said that, unless they were referring to her not commenting back to the guy, and that being taken as acceptance? (and even then, she didn't do anything "wrong").*


Obviously this didn't quote all of your post since you posted all through what I said instead of separating yours from mine. My reply is to something that didn't get quoted here.

To blanket state that any flattering comment is 'absolutely flirty behavior, regardless of the situation' is just wrong. There is exceptions in pretty much all situations, nothing is 100% one way or another. Speaking in absolutes is not smart.

Neither is telling someone what did, or did not, happen regarding a situation they witnessed that you have no clue about. But whatever floats your boat.

As for the OP, the fact he repeatedly quotes and replies in the past few pages to comments that only support his stance shows he's really only here to validate his own opinion, not actually have an open dialogue on the matter so I'm outta this thread. Hopefully the situation resolves itself for you in the best way possible for everyone aub85.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

kingsfan said:


> Obviously this didn't quote all of your post since you posted all through what I said instead of separating yours from mine. My reply is to something that didn't get quoted here.
> 
> To blanket state that any flattering comment is 'absolutely flirty behavior, regardless of the situation' is just wrong. There is exceptions in pretty much all situations, nothing is 100% one way or another. Speaking in absolutes is not smart.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. Usually I use words like "generally" in my posts, so as not to point to absolutes. In this case, I clearly did not.

That said, I can genuinely not see an everyday normal interaction occurring where it's okay to call someone else's wife beautiful, in front of hubby or not.

Like I said, I have no issue with somebody saying that to ME, (in regards to my wife) which has happened. But for another man to say that directly to my wife? I honestly can't think of a context in which that's okay, unless he's single and doesn't know she's married.

I also can't think of a single context in which it would be okay for me, a married man, to make a comment like that to any woman, married or single. Whether my wife was standing next to me or not.

I'll re-iterate what I said - I find other women attractive or beautiful. I keep that to myself, because there is literally no point whatsoever in sharing that information with that person.

Whether I'm married, or the woman is married, or we're both married, it is absolutely inconsequential information to share with someone in that case.

Don't confuse this with me, or anybody else here saying you shouldn't ever look at other people other than your spouse, or that it's wrong to think somebody else is attractive. All/most of us do. Like I said, my wife's best friend is stunning. But what possible reason exists that I should go ahead and tell her that?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

alexm said:


> Fair enough. Usually I use words like "generally" in my posts, so as not to point to absolutes. In this case, I clearly did not.
> 
> That said, I can genuinely not see an everyday normal interaction occurring where it's okay to call someone else's wife beautiful, in front of hubby or not.
> ?


Honestly, this wasn't my issue. I can see someone not liking beautiful.


> but I don't really care what the scenario is - *remarking on one's looks in a positive way is absolutely flirty behaviour, regardless of situation. *


 You actually clarified it wasn't just the word beautiful you were bothered with, it was "remaking on looks in a positive way." You said you don't care about the situation or scenario so, this is why we are disagreeing with your assertion. That's not only an absolute, you stretched your point to all positive comments.


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

I have no idea how he found her on FB because she doesn't use her maiden name. I would think it was from a mutual friend and seeing her picture. 
As for my wife you are right. I have complete trust in her in any situation. Before someone else says it ... Yes, I know things happen but I would be very surprised. 



intheory said:


> @Aub85
> 
> Yes, very weird. Creepy actually. I'm hoping he found her because she can be found on FB through her maiden name? Or, she didn't change her last name when she got married?
> 
> ...


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## Aub85 (Jan 24, 2016)

Thanks for your input and thoughts. Great post!!


SnowToArmPits said:


> As someone else mentioned, friendships change over time. Friends don't always stay friends for life, and sometimes friendships are ended for good reason.
> 
> It's hard losing one of your best friends, but honestly what kind of friend is this guy? That's very disrespectful behaviour from him Aub. IMO, real friends know better than that.
> 
> ...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So aub what are thinking now that you've gotten feedback.

Do you think the FB guy was trolling?

Do you plan to change your relationship with your friend or talk to him?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You actually clarified it wasn't just the word beautiful you were bothered with, it was "remarking on looks in a positive way." You said you don't care about the situation or scenario so, this is why we are disagreeing with your assertion. That's not only an absolute, you stretched your point to all positive comments.


I stand by this 

I did say every day, normal situations, yes. If it's a woman's wedding day, then it's acceptable to tell her she looks beautiful. If it's Bob and Sally over for dinner at Mike and Susan's, then what possible reason does either man have to make any sort of comment on Sally or Susan's looks?

I still think a few of you are assuming those of us who view it this way would fly into a jealous rage and the roof would collapse, and that's not the case (for me, anyway).

If Bob and Sally are over for dinner at our house, and Bob tells my wife she's beautiful, I'd probably look at him sideways, but that's about it. If he says it again that evening, or the next time we see them, and the time after that, then I'd probably bring it up.

But I get you. If Bob and Sally are getting together with my wife and I, and we're getting all dressed up to go out somewhere - and we've been long-time friends - then it's much more acceptable.

That's why I say "generally speaking" - and I do that a lot in my posts. There are no absolutes. In this case, there are few scenarios in which this sort of thing is acceptable - agreed.

But to most of us, just hanging out socially with friends is not one of those times. How it happened according to OP's post is not one of those times. The dude on FB - not appropriate.

FYI, my wife had a FB friend (a former work colleague, a single guy) who always started messages with "Hey beautiful". Nothing (that I saw) ever went beyond that, in terms of fishing. From what I saw, my wife didn't respond to that. She talked to him, but never addressed the "hey beautiful" part at all. Had she done so ("aww, thanks  you're so sweet!" then I'm certain he would have elevated his game. But all the same, it's not as innocent as some people think, IMO. It absolutely IS fishing, even if it's pretty much the tamest it can be.

Not that I have experience with that type of thing, but my mindset (were I to do that) would be hoping that the woman responds positively. "Awwww, thanks! *blush*" That's what fishing is - gauging someone's reaction to a compliment. Seriously, it's flirting 101. If it's ignored, or worse, received negatively, you know where you stand. That's exactly what fishing is for - finding out where you stand with someone you are interested in.

We all (hopefully) know this. It's covered ad nauseum here on TAM.

But the bottom line, the lowest common denominator here, is that telling a married person they are attractive serves absolutely no purpose except for one.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Aub85, I do not post on here very often, but I do read quite a bit of threads that interest me. And yours did just that. I am certainly not a jealous type, but if one of my "friends" had a history, such as yours, and was blatantly flirting with my wife, I would be hitting the ceiling! What he hell kind of friend is that? I mean, would you hit on a friends wife, just because you thought she was attractive? There are lines that are NOT TO BE CROSSED!

In your situation, I probably would not have had to proactively do anything, because my wife loves me, and is considerate enough to immediately stop that sort of flirting in its tracks. That being said, if my wife was passive, I would 
1) tell her that it makes me very uncomfortable that the "friend" is doing it 
2) ask her to, at the time of the next "flirtation", politely tell him to stop as he is embarrassing himself
3) follow up with the "friend" by telling him that my wife has politely, and diplomatically rejected him. If he does not stop, I will consider it assault and will smash a 2x4 over his f'ng head.

Do NOT be passive. Read through the "COPING WITH INFIDELITY" subforum, here on TAM and see how many affairs started in the way that you are witnessing your marriage in front of your very eyes. 
I mean, why in the HELL have you been so passive up to this point?? And the old high school friend that made the HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL comment? It's fishing, plain and simple. Do not be naive! Here's and easy test, how would your wife feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Mine would be on high alert if a strange woman from long ago were suddenly Facebooking me with similar greetings.

Damn, put the kibosh on this immediately!!!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

alexm said:


> I stand by this


I was going to respond to your different points, but you are basically agreeing with me while making some weird assumptions about what I feel and creating examples I never addressed. I never accused or implied anything about jealousy or rage and have no clue why you addressed that at all..

To be clear, in the initial post that led to our discussion you did not say general. All I was pointing out is, we disagreed because of your absolute and situations don't matter comment. Your second post I didn't address because, for me, it was creating scenarios and backing off the absolute comment.

At the end of the day, he should talk to his friend because he is being highly inappropriate with his wife, whether she cares or not.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

alexm said:


> I stand by this
> 
> I did say every day, normal situations, yes. If it's a woman's wedding day, then it's acceptable to tell her she looks beautiful. If it's Bob and Sally over for dinner at Mike and Susan's, then what possible reason does either man have to make any sort of comment on Sally or Susan's looks?
> 
> ...


Well, guess my question, regarding the FB message-- so what? 

If the wife is attractive, this has been likely happening since she was 12. What are you going to do about it? Hopefully nothing unless the wife DOES encourage it. If not....so what? 

The in real life "friends"-- yes that is a huge issue. But if you are going to get bent out of shape when a totally non threatening online message occurs from someone she has not seen in 30+ years, you should have married an unattractive women because, this SHOULD be happening fairly often. And if each time it bothers you, that is a h3ll of a lot of wasted mental energy.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

A couple of my friends do that with my husband, I recently even found out that prior to me meeting my husband one of my friends, that comments on how hot he is, had sex with him quite a few times. Its kinda of weird now, but before I knew they had sex I just took it as a compliment that he was hot. I would even join in the conversation and tell them they had no idea how hot he was. Obviously one of them did know. But trust your wife, she loves you take it as a compliment to you and your good looks. Just say I know how hot she is, I get to have sex with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The good news is that you have confirmed a known/player cheater is targeting your wife. The bad news is you have hopeless judgement in who you are friends with.

Read posts in the infidelity section. Almost to a man the husband is shocked, surprised, dumbfounded, etc. that his, beautiful wife that he trusted with his life has cheated with her boss, best friend of husband, ex, coworker,classmate. Then when wife gets dumped she cant believe she fell hook,line and sinker for a lowlife even though she knew he had done it to other women.

Read the MMSLP book below and get the NOT JUST FRIENDS book for you both.

Simply dump player/cheater boy as a friend. He's licking his chops.


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