# Can I get some help



## HelpHelp (Feb 9, 2010)

I was married for 15 years and have 3 wonderful children. My wife was a stay at home mom for years and decided she need to get a career. She went through a few options before landing on Personal Training. She dove into her new career really deep and would lock herself in her room studying and heading out to the library and i gladly supported her and took care of the kids. This Januaury she tells me she is thinking about getting divorced (a thing which we had agreed we would never allow to happen). I begged her to reconsider and go seek a counselor but she refused. In March I found out she has been having a romance with an old high school friend on you guessed it facebook. She denied it and said he was just a friend, but the sorts of conversations they had about being so hot for you arent the type you have with a friend. 

We are getting a divorce and I have been traveling for work. I found out innocently enough from my daughter that her new friend was coming over with other friends while I was away on business. I decided to wait until after the party to discuss it with her. She gets all defensive then after 30 mins of reasoning she final agrees that it was not appropriate to have her noew friend over with the kids around. I come home and theres 3 cases of alcohol on the kitchen floor. 

I really dont know how someone I loved and married can change so quickly into this party girl. Totally disrespecting me ignoring her chikdren. She lies and I cant trust her. I am afraid for my kids with her setting this type of example. Her family is also concerened but I cant discuss anything with them since she sees it as a personal attack. 

Do I just ignore her behaviour since shes an adult and can make her own choices? 

Do I point out her innapropriate behaviour to her to her friends, to her family?

Do I bring her behaviour up to our mediator who is also a counselor? 

Can anyone explain to me what is going on with her and how to best cope with it?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

WOW..that would suck..no respect for her kids..at least my wife keeps everything from my girls..I'm not sure what your laws regarding marriage are but you have a legitimate case if you want to pursue it..it really is about your children now because she is not going to put them first..tell everyone about her behavior, let them know or she will make you look like the bad guy...she could of at least waited till she/you moved out..I thought I wanted to know for sure from my wife about her affair she still denies but now I'm glad she keeps it from my girls..I would hate the constant reminder I would have to hear..you really need to boot her out for her behavior, who knows what will happen, either way her actions show you how she feels...good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You call her family and best friends and ask them to help you save your marriage. Tell them the truth. She'll be mad, but if she weren't cheating, there would be nothing to tell. Your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

No matter what, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

If she wants out so badly, she can leave her home and her kids. But YOU stay there, WITH your kids. Ok? I'm serious. It's the worst thing you can do. Right now, you have to make her affair as hard as possible to maintain; her family needs to know, and she needs to know that they know. She needs to understand she can't just replace you with him and have them accept it. You need to burst her fantasy about her new 'perfect' life.

She CAN get over this, get it out of her system. But it will never happen if you try to be the nice guy and try to make her happy. This is war, and you need to FIGHT for your marriage. Women NEED their man to fight for them; that's why she went for OM - he fought to get her away from her husband, and it turned her on.


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## Irish (Jun 15, 2010)

Question: How old were you two when you got married?

She may be at a point in her life where it is "selfish time"...Most people go through that year or two in their lives where it's all them, all the time...no worries, no responsibilities, no cares, etc. Did she ever have that? 

You mention that she was a SAHM for a long time. Could this be her finally wanting her own identity and acting out? 

If this is the case, it is NOT OK, but it might make it easier to understand.

Definitely talk to your counselor about all of this!

Hang in there!


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## HelpHelp (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for all the great advice. 

I dont think I can do anything to save the marriage I think it needs to be her choice to want to save it. She doesnt want counseling. I am not sure I want to be with someone who would quit everything we have worked for over 15 years so easily without trying. I am moving out and going on with my life. 

I agree Irish I think she had enough giving and need to do soem taking but she never indicated any of this too me. We were 31 and 27 when we were married and scored extremely well on our compatibality test.

I told her family and she disowned her sister who was trying to help us. I dont think I want to fight this is not good for our children. To me an amicible separation is better than a house filled with tension and fighting.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

HelpHelp, 

I don't think you can ever have an amicable seperation when one spouse is cheating. My started out that way, but once I tried to care for myself, she turned evil and made everything my fault. Her guilt is making her evil. Now, we don't have kids, but it seems like you are throwing in the towel on fighting for your family. Fine stop fighting you for marriage, but not your family, you need to stay in the home and protect your kids from her erratic behavior. It sound like her family is on your side, kids first, get her out of the house and she can party all she wants, but at least you kids won't be exposed to it. Or the home wrecking jerk she is talking to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I so agree.


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