# So completely overwhelmed with resentment



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Married 16 yrs, 2 children aged 14 & 10.

I question how I was ever so blind to the true character of this man. Still, I suppose it could be worse.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I stopped working at 2 months pregnant and began helping him build his business, which was based a couple hours from our hometown. We had moved there, and I was doing telemarketing and managing the office for the business. He had control of all the money, and was not generous with it & not grateful for my contributions. He ended up selling the business, and we moved back to our hometown. By this time my son was 18 months and I was not working, but looking. He had asked his mom to move in (which I didn't want to move in there) & she wanted $700/mth for us to all move in. I moved in with my parents and he stayed there a lot, but paid nothing even as he had a pretty large sum of money from the sale of the business. During my job search, he would say that babysitting wouldn't be a problem because that's what his mom did for a living. Sounds logical, right? Wrong.

So, I get a job after a few months of being back here (in our hometown), and he informs me that his mom said she couldn't watch our son. At the time, she was watching her daughter's son & the same daughter was pregnant with another that she would soon be watching, so she said it would be too much for her to handle. I quickly came up with a daycare close to my mom's house. On my first week of work, I would drop him off at daycare & he would be holding onto my leg screaming and crying, and I would go to work & cry. Then, he was ill and daycare wouldn't allow him there, so we asked if she could take him while he was sick since I had no other option, she wouldn't. I ended up asking an aunt who I hadn't even spoken to in years who did end up watching him on my 3rd day of work. He fell down the steps there (but was okay), so I ended up calling off work the 4th & 5th day of my first week, terrified that I would lose my job.

I knew going into the job that it had flexible hours, so he decided I should work the opposite hours he was working and we would switch babysitting instead of paying daycare.

I then went on nights (3rd shift) and it was agreed that this would save a lot of money, as he worked 1st shift & we didn't have any babysitting expense.

During this time, I wondered if I should send him on his way, remembering how selfish & controlling he was with the money in the past. Big mistake, I decided to stay with him (my parents are still together & I was always taught it's forever).

Eventually we got an apartment, and I had a second child, my daughter. At this time, it was re-evaluated whether I should go off nights to days (I can work any hours) and pay for some form of babysitting, as it was very difficult getting sleep during the day with a 4-yr old and newborn. He didn't want to spend the money & he didn't like the thought of daycare, so he shot it down. I started to be resentful.

This is getting long, so I'm going to try and shorten it. About 6 yrs ago, I needed a new car. We searched around & settled on a $12,000 used car with 35,000 miles for $253/mth. A couple months later, he decided he needed a new vehicle. He ended up getting a new truck costing $28,000 with a $480/mth payment. I immediately thought this was very unfair, given that we were making about the same money. But that was only the beginning....he joined some kind of online truck club & began "pimping" the truck. He added a $5,000 touch screen stereo/gps system, a camera to see behind the truck (like a back up monitor type thing), tinted the windows, added tv screens to the back of the front seats so the kids could watch movies or play video games, special logo leather seat covers, some kind of computer chip to give the truck more power, and other various modifications that would give the truck more power.

During this, I would say I didn't want ANY additional money spent on the already expensive truck. He wouldn't listen, he would just be on his "truck club" chatting away about other ways he could modify the truck.

He also spends a LOT on electronics, to the tune of having 7 TV's, numerous stereo speakers, computers, stereo receivers, scanners, printers, fax machines, and the list goes on and on. He is very controlling and selfish, and would give me very little spending money. Things are such a mess now. I ran my credit report, and though my score is not bad, I find that he got cards in my name, and there are numerous cards with MINIMUM payments totaling $1,100/mth. To me, this is completely unacceptable, irresponsible, and selfish and not how a man takes care of his family.

I'm just so resentful, the sound of his voice even makes me cringe. Everything is about HIM & HIM only. 5 years ago, I had taken out a 401K loan to pay off a $10,000. card he had racked up.

Should I just cut my losses, wipe out my 401K to pay it off and divorce him? Do selfish people ever change?

Please advise...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You should separate your finances. Take you name of any joint cards or accounts. Put your pay in your account and pay for your half of expenses. Don't include the vehicle payments or modifications in the expenses. Only include the house expenses and the childrens expenses. 

He is taking advantage of you. Take control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnS (Jan 24, 2012)

I would do what you have to do to take care of yourself financially. Separate finances is probably a good idea but it does nothing to help with what is out there already. If he opened up credit cards in your name you can write those companies and tell them you did not authorize this card and to please suspend it. You will still have the balance but no more can be charged to it. 
Do not cash out your 401K. That is your financial future. 

Then tell him marriage counseling is the only way to go forward. 

Good luck to you.


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

It looks as if he is not going to take financial responsibility any time soon. You will have to make up a budget that shows how much cash comes in, what are absolutely essential expenses, what can cut down, how much loan you have, how it could be paid off. I am not American, so I cannot advise you on 401K plan. Show him the plan and ask him if he can commit to an austerity plan to begin with. 

Also no more cards for him from your side. Read the threads in this section, there are some really imaginative ways to cut expenses. 

P.S: Since I do not live in America, I wonder if you can get away with riding a scooter. A car and a scooter for the family. The scoot can save you reasonable amount of money annually on petrol.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

What I found out after I left my husband (for doing some of the same things yours did - bought a 25,000 car behind my back w/ a $500 payment) is that any credit cards that are in your name or in both your names, or sometimes even in just his name, does not matter as long as you're married. 

If he ever stops paying those cards they are going to come after you for the balances. They won't care that you didn't authorize him to open those accounts, as long as you are married (even separated) they consider you one entity. The only way to get off the hook for those cards is to either get divorced or re-adjust all your finances - separate bank accounts, no joint purchases, get everything seperate. I don't know how effective that will be if you stay married, but if you're going to stay with him anyway it may be worth a shot.

Good luck


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I agree with separating the finances. This is one reason my husband and I still have separate accounts now. He is still learning to be responsible. Our income is still one income for the household, but he does not have control over everything. If he wants to mismanage what comes in on his end, he needs to learn from that, but he's not going to stress me out and mess up my income too.

Trust me, when he runs out of money on his end and you hold him accountable for all his personal spending, he'll learn. It may even take years.


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