# I had an affair, but I want to save my marriage. HELP!



## Big D (Jan 23, 2016)

Help. I'm new to this so I'll just give it a shot. My wife and I have been married for 8+ years, together as a couple for 18. for the past 10 months i have been having an affair. The affair is over, but the damage has been done. I have come clean to my wife about everything! she is obviously hurt, angry, etc. ALL I want to do is save our marriage! However, I'm doubtful that I will be given the chance. I'm an emotional and physical wreck. We have 2 children together. after staying elsewhere for 2 nights, she has let me back in the house.She has stated that she wants to keep up the APPEARANCE of normalcy for the kids. I have been sleeping on the floor in the living room(couch is to short for me to stretch out on). I'm up and gone to work before the kids get up for school, so they don't know what is going on yet. I have started seeing a therapist, at her request. i have gone cold turkey from any sort of substance, even though my doc wants to prescribe Xanax. I just feel like the BIGGEST PIECE OF S#!T EVER! I don't know what to do??? she doesn't want to hear what i have to say, and i think she is going to see a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. ANY advice on how i can save my marriage would be SO GREATLY APPRECIATED. help.:frown2:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We need some more details about your affair to give specific advice. In general, get the book 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair,' by McDonald, and follow it. You need to show her your remorse and willingness to do anything she needs.

Is the A completely over? Is there no contact? Completely? Are you transparent with your W? Is this the first time you've cheated?

You need to fill in some blanks.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Big D said:


> For the past 10 months i have been having an affair. The affair is over, but the damage has been done.


Dude. It's not like you slipped and had a single moment of weakness. It's not like you gave into temptation and then felt immediately guilty afterwards. You let this go on for almost a year, and now you want things to go back to normal between you and your wife.

Did the affair just not work out? Is that why you want to reconcile with your wife now, because your affair partner doesn't want you any more? 

I'm not condemning you just for having an affair. I'm currently married to my affair partner and have been for ten years. What I can't figure out is why you would let this drag out for so long and then think you can go back to the way things were before.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dude, I don't know what you were expecting from your wife after you committed this heinous act against her for months. Consider yourself lucky she let you back in the house, because if it were me you'd still be out in the street and never be allowed to return. At a minimum, you'd better be kissing her ass upside and down and doing anything asked of you. Expose what you did to friends and family, be contrite every waking moment and eat sh!t happily when required. Maybe she'll soften a little after some time, and forgive you if you do the right things, but she has every right to bury you.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

You sound like your very distraught, now double or triple that and you'll understand how much pain your wife is in! So now you want help, after 10 months? Why? Why now? Why not 10 months ago, or after the first time you slept with the OW? Is it only because you were caught?

This board will not support you condoning your affair, they're pretty brutal at times, however, they will offer and guide you with sage advice if they find your truly remorseful and not trying to manipulate the situation yet again.

Was this your first affair? Did your wife suspect anything before? Did she know the OW, were they friends? Again, why do you need help now, after a year, didn't you know it was wrong then? Or do you just need help mitigating the damage?

You seem hurt or upset she only let you back in the house to keep up NORMALCY for the kids, but isn't that what you did? Kept up NORMALCY for the "family" while you had a GF? Isn't that somewhat hypocritical to expect better treatment than you were were willing to give your FAMILY. How would you like it if she dragged you along for 10 months?

FYI, there are other prescriptions you can use if your an ex, or current addict. Are you one? Do you have a problem with drugs and alcohol in addition to infidelity?


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Saving your marriage will require you to be completely honest with her and creating a plan to move forward together.

Reveal everything she wants to know, do not trickle truth. 

Maintain a strict NO CONTACT rule with your affair partner.

Hand over all forms of communication to your wife so she can see that you have had no contact. 

Search inside to see why you cheated. Do you get a thrill? Do you have poor boundaries? Are you problem avoidant? 

Dedicate yourself to improving boundaries and taking responsibility for the quality of relationships you have committed to instead of running away from them.

You still may not be able to save your marriage. But if you commit yourself to improving your morals, you will save yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Affair for 10 months. This is totally up to your wife. Some just can't get over it. 

BTW you are feeling like a POS because you are a POS.

If I were her I'd file for divorce and never look back. There are better men out there. 

Any hope at all in this you'd better become totally transparent. Your phone, email passwords, etc all go to her. You write a no contact letter to the other woman immediately and let your wife mail it. You tell her where you are at all times and leave nothing to chance.

Give her plenty of space. At this time she will not want to hear you, be touched by you or even be around you. This decision will be hers not yours.

I would write her a letter of apology for what you've put her through and you've also done this to your kids as well. This has the potential of destroying your family as you used to know it. Unfortunately this will never go away. When and if she wants to talk be truthfull. Cheaters lie, hide and deny. If you have any chance at all any further lying on your part will destroy that. 

Better get your head out of your azz fast pal.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This affair was 100% on you. Do not put any blame on her for this. If it's a coworker start looking for another job yesterday. You cannot be around that.

Be a man and own what you've done.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Honesty. But only tell your wife what she wants to know. When my wife cheated on me I wanted NO DETAILS at all.

And you should look at counselling, individual and as a couple.

You might have a chance to save your marriage. But that depends on your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

Yeah, there's no way I could ever forgive a 10-month long affair. I'm all for trying to work things out and I can see myself forgiving my husband if he (God forbid) ever had a one night stand or something (and even then, I'm not sure I could forgive him). 

10 months?! No. No way. Your wife is an amazing mother if she's thinking about how to best handle this for the kids' sake. 

I know you came here for advice and you did get some from another post. I would just be as respectful as you can from here on out toward her. If she ends up giving you another shot, I hope you turn into one hell of an amazing husband because most people wouldn't be willing to work through that kind of betrayal.


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## Big D (Jan 23, 2016)

the affair is completely over. I have no contact with the OW. It's the only time Ive been unfaithful in 18 years. I have had avoidance and substance abuse/misuse issues in the past. I am in therapy and taking steps to get myself right. It's no excuse, but in the past year I have lost my father, uncle, grandmother, 3 cousins, and 3 friends. The "spark" of the affair happened after the death of my uncle, and "blossomed" after the death of my grandmother in June. The affair was completely over, and I confessed it to my wife. I have come clean about EVERYTHING I have ever done. any question she asks, I answer honestly. I made the mistake, and I take full ownership for it. I'm not looking to this forum for forgiveness or to be excused/absolved of my transgression. I'm seeking any advice on how to save my marriage.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Maybe your wife doesn't WANT to save the marriage.

Maybe you should consider what SHE wants rather than what YOU want.

For once in your selfish, self centered life, put someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own.


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## Big D (Jan 23, 2016)

if that is truly what she wants, then I will honor her wishes. However, if our marriage can be saved, I'm willing to throw myself into it fully and completely. other marriages have survived and thrived after an affair, and I'm hoping this is one of them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> We need some more details about your affair to give specific advice. In general, *get the book 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair,' by McDonald*, and follow it. You need to show her your remorse and willingness to do anything she needs.
> 
> Is the A completely over? Is there no contact? Completely? Are you transparent with your W? Is this the first time you've cheated?
> 
> You need to fill in some blanks.


Good book. Buy two copies -- one for you and one for your wife. Invite her to read it w/ you.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Big D said:


> if that is truly what she wants, then I will honor her wishes. However, if our marriage can be saved, I'm willing to throw myself into it fully and completely. other marriages have survived and thrived after an affair, and I'm hoping this is one of them.


People are being hard on you for one reason.

Overcoming an affair from a BS point of view takes a LONG TIME. 

Why is that? Because while you have come to terms with the affair relationship, know all the details, have mourned it and moved on your spouse does not know all of the details no matter how much you tell her, she is mourning the death of both of your relationship while trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces, her self esteem has taken a hit while yours was going up in the affair, she is wondering how you will act in the future while you are not wondering how she will act.

It is a knife slowly twisting in your wife. 

That is why people are getting so aggressive with you. I would like for your marriage to survive. But you will have to see that the thriving part will take a monumental amount of effort. 

And to me you seem like you are on the right path of reconciliation.

People are reacting to the "Let's get it thriving" part when they aren't seeing as much about slowing down for your wife to heal.


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## Big D (Jan 23, 2016)

Like I stated, I'm not seeking absolution for my transgression. I'm only seeking advice on how to help my wife and my marriage heal.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Consider yourself lucky if saving your marriage is truly want you are after. The facts that she let you back into the house and insisted you get into counseling are good signs. But now it is all up to you. You need to follow thru on every commitment you have made and give her no reason to ever question her again. 
I know you said they weren't reasons but actually you just made the deaths of others your excuse. You need to look inward and find the real reason, because the death of your uncle and grandmother were just triggers, that YOU allowed to start you on your way. Man up and stop making excuses. You screwed up and it all on you. If you really aren't happy, then do something about it, but stop hiding behind others.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Big D said:


> Like I stated, I'm not seeking absolution for my transgression. I'm only seeking advice on how to help my wife and my marriage heal.


I think the only advice the forum can give has already been given. You have to show her your sincere remorse, be an open book to her, and make sure she knows how you feel, but it really is all up to her at that point. She has to WANT to forgive you and do the work to heal and save the marriage. If she doesn't WANT to do that, there is nothing you can do.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Just curious if your wife found out because you told her or she caught you? People feel guilty when they cheat so they tell their spouse which is the worse thing you can do. It is also selfish because you are dumping your infidelity on a spouse to alleviate your guilt. I used to have a good friend who is a Psychologist who worked with couples and he told me that he always advised the cheating spouse to deal with their guilt and no upend the life of their spouse so that they can feel better.

He even told me something else. He said unless there is real proof, deny, deny, deny. The reason was that most spouses have no concrete evidence so if you deny everything, it gives them a way out. They can think that maybe they are wrong and in effect, allow them to lie to themselves. I wa also told that spouses mostly thought that by confessing and promising never to do it again, all will be fine. It rarely was fine. Many were kicked out of the house and even if not, their spouses may forgive them but cannot forget. How do you believe someone who has already demonstrated their willingness to lie about something very important? How to you trust someone who has show that they cannot be trusted?

If your wife takes you back you will always be suspected of cheating every time you do something out of the ordinary. You will be falsely accused of cheating and your past affair will find its way into most major arguments. You will have to give your wife full access to your phone and computer. You basically will have to live your life giving her no reason to suspect you. If you go on business trips, her imagination will run wild. I had two girlfriends cheat on me. One was my girlfriend and fiancee fo 5 years who cheated on me 6 months before our wedding day. She wanted me to take her back. The wedding was set, the invitations were sent out. Non refundable deposits would be lost and coming from a very religious family, she would be shamed. I could have taken her back because I was off fighting a war for a year and a year is a long time to go without sex. My problem is that if she had asked me if she could date guys just for some companionship and sex, I would have said yes because I needed the same, but she did not ask. She cheated and I had to let her go. I could not picture my life with a woman that I could never trust again. 

Past behavior is a very good window into future behavior. Unfortunately, the expression of once a cheater, always a cheater, is more true than not, at least in my experience. So you have a long road ahead of you but since you have children, it may be worth trying to make it work. My sister and wife's girlfriend waited until the kids were done with college before divorcing. In both cases, they each were dating other people until then. I wish you luck but affairs are not one of those things that are easier to seek forgiveness for than permission. Hope it works out for youo.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Big D said:


> the affair is completely over. I have no contact with the OW. It's the only time Ive been unfaithful in 18 years. I have had avoidance and substance abuse/misuse issues in the past. I am in therapy and taking steps to get myself right. It's no excuse, but in the past year I have lost my father, uncle, grandmother, 3 cousins, and 3 friends. The "spark" of the affair happened after the death of my uncle, and "blossomed" after the death of my grandmother in June. The affair was completely over, and I confessed it to my wife. I have come clean about EVERYTHING I have ever done. any question she asks, I answer honestly. I made the mistake, and I take full ownership for it. I'm not looking to this forum for forgiveness or to be excused/absolved of my transgression. I'm seeking any advice on how to save my marriage.


No sure if it'll work out for you but this is a good start.

Good luck


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## Big D (Jan 23, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> Just curious if your wife found out because you told her or she caught you? People feel guilty when they cheat so they tell their spouse which is the worse thing you can do. It is also selfish because you are dumping your infidelity on a spouse to alleviate your guilt. I used to have a good friend who is a Psychologist who worked with couples and he told me that he always advised the cheating spouse to deal with their guilt and no upend the life of their spouse so that they can feel better.
> 
> He even told me something else. He said unless there is real proof, deny, deny, deny. The reason was that most spouses have no concrete evidence so if you deny everything, it gives them a way out. They can think that maybe they are wrong and in effect, allow them to lie to themselves. I wa also told that spouses mostly thought that by confessing and promising never to do it again, all will be fine. It rarely was fine. Many were kicked out of the house and even if not, their spouses may forgive them but cannot forget. How do you believe someone who has already demonstrated their willingness to lie about something very important? How to you trust someone who has show that they cannot be trusted?
> 
> ...


I told her. the husband of the OW found out about the affair. I wanted my wife to hear it from me. I was willing to take it to my grave. However, I didn't want her to learn of my betrayal from anyone else. So, I confessed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Understand what she's going through. Read up


Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

I realized after I posted that I wrote down how I would react and didn't at all answer your question of how to save your marriage. I think it's sometimes hard to not have an emotional reaction to reading some of these stories so sorry for dumping MY feelings on you.

I don't have any personal experience on this topic but I would work hard at honoring however your wife wants to deal with this. If she's the type that wants to know everything, I think you owe it to her to (continue) to tell her the total truth. Maybe she'll want to hear the same story and awful details a few times. Do whatever it takes, even if that means she might not take you back. I don't think it's fair to withhold anything from her just because it might mean she will definitely leave you if she finds out. 

Does she know you were being forced to admit everything? That would be a big deal for me. (I'm just trying to give you some other perspective.) You were willing to take this secret to the grave but that just doesn't seem like a good thing in this instance. You were "willing" to have an affair AND keep it a secret? Ehhhh ... 

Your poor wife. Just try to be there when she wants you there and get lost if that's what she wants. She's been through enough.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi Big D, 

I'm coming out of "retirement" just to answer your question because I think I'm uniquely qualified. I had an emotional affair seven years ago, and Dear Hubby and I are still together and going strong. Here are some of the things I did to reconcile:

*1. No Contact with the Other Person. * Under no circumstance should you in any way have any contact with the Other Person!! Delete them from your contacts and then delete the means by which you stayed in touch, and if that means the inconvenience of changing your cell phone number then so be it. Endure the consequence of choosing to use that device to compromise your marriage! For me, I had been in touch via a secret email account , via a second FB account, via a game, and via the game's forum...so I deleted the secret email altogether, deleted the second FB account and then stayed off FB altogether, removed the shortcuts for the game, deleted the game, and removed the bookmarks for the forum. The point here is not to think "_What's the bare minimum I need to do here in order to appear like I'm removing all contact while keeping one last way of contact open?_" but rather to REALLY HONESTLY DO IT. Cut that person out of your life. Go over and above to remove not just the ways you did contact, but ways you could be tempted to contact. 

Final thought: often people use their cell phone to either text with or call the OP, and it's not enough to "remove them from the contact list." It is much more thorough to get a new phone number. Now you may be tempted to think: "But all my work contacts have that number and it would be so inconvenient...." but you know what that shows? You are thinking of yourself and making YOUR life easy and "to heck with my wife!" You are a grown man and you chose to be unfaithful, so it is reasonable for you to now endure a little inconvenience in order to go all out in ending contact. You may others endure pain for you--now it's your turn, and it's fair. 

*2. Transparency. *This one will be difficult and scary, I guarantee! Being transparent is not just being honest, but rather being "see through." Right now you have been hiding behind masks of "who you are" "what you think" and "what you feel"...holding up a false facade for your wife to think you are who you are not. My guess is that you felt things that hurt and you were afraid to say them out loud or you felt unheard. My guess is that you thought things that were were ugly and things you knew would hurt your wife so you didn't want to share them...maybe avoiding the trouble you'd get into if you said "the truth." My guess is that you want people to see you as "a fine, upstanding pillar of the community" and speak highly of you...when you are not ACTING like a fine, upstanding pillar of the community with high morals and character! Soooo.....you lied. And the lies caught up to you! NOW in order to save your marriage you are going to have to go against what you've gotten used to, and not only "tell the truth" but also open up about WHO you are, what you honestly FEEL, and what you truly THINK. 

To me there were two parts to this transparency thing. First, I had hidden my computer, my secret email, my second FB, etc. from my Dear Hubby, so Part One was relatively easy--I let him in. I realized that a GIGANTIC part of my issue was that I had shut him out of my life and myself by excluding him. So Part One was to actively INCLUDE him in every single thing I did all day long. The easy stuff was letting him see my computer, letting him have my passwords, not locking things down and hiding them from him, letting him see my secret stuff, and letting him see me delete it all. We deleted everything TOGETHER so that it was like a ritual of ending the old/beginning the new. As I said, this was the easier part for me! 

Part Two was to actively practice letting him see the True Me...with all my warts and everything... and then see if he really loved me! If I had a thought that was not so lovely, but it was true--I shared it. If I had a feeling that was painful, I didn't bury it but instead I shared it. And sometimes my thoughts and feelings were "not all that great" and I let him see it! Now, did I come right out and say everything unedited? No. I realize that sometimes, in the heat of the moment my head "sees red" and I think swear words, and repeating that wouldn't be productive--but what I WOULD do is let him know I was angry...REALLY angry...and that in order to be respectful to him I needed some time to settle down before I could discuss it. So share the truth (anger) but in a way that is still respectful.

*3. Commit to actually DOING the work, not talking about it.* Lots of people miss this one. They talk about "going to a counselor" and they talk about "doing whatever it takes to save our marriage" but then when it comes down to facing themselves in counseling or facing their fears or facing what they've truly done...it's too much and they avoid, run, hide, flee. So right now, purpose in your heart that you KNOW you are going to have to look at YOU and ways YOU perceive things and ways YOU cope with things, and it's going to be hard and scary...but you are going to DO it. When your counselor says "Write this journal or list"...you do it. When you come up to something that is hard or scary or painful, rather than avoiding it, make a promise in your heart to not run away. Rather than falling into your old pattern (which got you in this mess in the first place), remember and try the NEW pattern. 

Final thought: There is no "say"...only do. Do not tell your wife a bunch of promises about committing or doing anything blahblahblah. She does not believe you right now, AND by your actions you've already demonstrated to her that your commitment means nothing. So instead of telling her, just let your actions show her. Seriously, do not promise. Just DO IT. 

*4. Gather evidence of love to get through withdrawal.* When you have an affair, it's very similar to being an addict, because what you are addicted to is the "high" good feeling of someone thinking you're wonderful. There actually is brain chemistry that goes off when you're "in love" (infatuated) and thus, once you feel that rush of good feeling, you want more of it and the affair continues. When you end your affair and return to your spouse, to you it is going to feel like you are losing the "good feelings" high from OP, and turning to the person who made you feel bad in the first place (NOTE: I'm not saying that is the truth--just "how it feels.") To you, it will feel like a huge LOSS because you are losing that person who thought you were great--the person who gave you that 'infatuation high' feeling! 

So once you initiate No Contact, there is going to be a period of what I call "withdrawal." Again, it is an analogy and not exactly like addiction withdrawal, but it is somewhat similar enough that it helps people understand. When you were in contact, the contact was "the drug"...so when you remove "the drug" you go into withdrawal: namely, the first couple days every few minutes you think about the OP, you think of excuses to contact them, you crave that contact, you NEED that contact! Gradually it begins to feel more desperate, and to some degree just like cold turkey, you just have to get through this. I did two things: 1) I told myself to wait 15 minutes "I will put this off for 15 minutes and check how I feel in 15 minutes." Then in 15 min. I put it off again for 15 min. all through the day. The next day I put it off half an hour, then an hour, and so on and so on. 2) I gathered reminders of love, so that when I was craving something positive, something that loving, something that shows caring about me, I looked at my Dear Hubbies old love letters, an old card from him, a drawing he made, songs he wrote, etc. If I need the positive "high" of love, I went to my DEAR HUBBY to get it...no one else. 

*5. Spend "fun" time with your spouse. *Right now, when your wife thinks of "you" she associates you with painful emotions and hurtful thoughts. YOU=Pain, to her. Often times, people get so focused on saving their marriage, and working to fix it, that all they do is the deep, long, intense talks and the tears...and they forget to be the kind of person their spouse would want to be with. So that association of YOU=Pain is enforced (because you=deep, long intense talks, navel gazing, and tears). It is REALLY important right now to begin to look at yourself and think: "If I were in her shoes, would I date me right now?" and if the answer is no, then start to become the guy she would date again. I'm not talking about "Go buy her roses" guy--I mean being the kind of man with whom she would associate good or happy times! Be the sort of person who is interesting. At some point, you and she had things in common that you both enjoyed or that you shared together: music, sports, hobbies...something. So rather than being downer guy who always talks about hurtful stuff all the time...on the occasion, take the pressure off, tell her you just want to be best friends right now who really care about each other, view her as your very best friend to whom you tell everything, and once-in-a-while, take her to something fun. Go to a concert, not as her date but someone who is interested in a band she is also loves, and share the fun of hearing a band you both like. Begin to change to YOU=Positive. You=listen without judgement. You=share fun times. You=good feelings. Get it? 

*6. Be accountable to someone.* This reconciling is HARD, so don't think to yourself, "Oh I got this. I can do this by myself." Find someone who is a GUY who can be your mentor. Find someone who will know when you are lying and sneaking around and who will call you on it! 

*7. End Love Extinguishers. *Okay I view the love in a marriage like a campfire. There is stuff you can do to the love that builds the fire (that's a love kindler) and there's stuff you can do that puts out the fire (that's a love extinguisher). We all do both, but lots of times what happens is we get so caught up in life, work and bills that we don't realize we pretty much love extinguish ALL DAY LONG... and we've kind of dropped the love kindlers. Now most counselors will tell you to "date your wife again" and whatnot, and that almost never works, but here's why! You take her out to dinner (love kindler to her) but then you complain about the bill and make a scene to get a free dessert (extinguisher). YOU think you should "get credit" for the dinner, but to it's a positive and a negative and nothing built up! So it feels like spinning your wheels (because you are)!! In reality you don't need to start dating your wife--you need to stop the love extinguishers! 

So if you really, really want to start working on building love, look at your own self. What harmful spirits do you have inside you that are putting out the blaze of love in your marriage? Are you a scorekeeper? A faultfinder? Disrespectful to her? Withholding? No tender touches that don't lead to sex? Unstable employment? Hidden debt? Don't help with the house or kids? Discourteous? Give her the silent treatment? Angry explosions? Attack dog...attacking her? Passive-aggressive? 

Don't think "Yeah, but she...." or "Those describe her!" because what we are doing here today is to look at YOURSELF--HONESTLY. If you can say to yourself, just privately, "Yes, I do that" then pick that one and work on that one. If you are a scorekeeper, how can you learn to stop keeping score and give of yourself, your time, and your everything freely without expecting a reward for what you did? If you have had unstable employment, how can you demonstrate with your actions that you want her to feel safe financially like she's not going to have to scramble to pay rent right before eviction? Again, this is not the time to make promises...just pick a couple of those typical love extinguishers and work on them, and let your actions speak for themselves. 

*8. Re-start Love Kindlers. * After you've worked on becoming the person you want to be, after you've done the work and made changes, after you've stopped some of the bad habits that have inadvertently been destroying your marriage--THEN if your wife is willing, you can re-start love kindlers. These are the things that people do to show love through their actions, and this is probably easier for people to do than the love extinguishers and that's why they start here! :wink2: However, think about this: at one point you and your wife got along well enough that you two wanted to get married. You had some similar interests, enjoyed each other's company, couldn't wait to be together, couldn't wait to talk, and did all kinds of goofy things to help love grow. Well...that means you already have a foundation to rebuild on! Think back to the days when you were dating, and become the guy who attracted her again. She liked you! So there is hope....

In conclusion, I want to remind you that you committed adultery. Say it: ADULTERY. Your wife would be 100% within her moral rights to walk away and never give you another chance. Some people are not able to get over infidelity and it is a deal-breaker for them. Period. And here's the super important part: SHE is not the one who broke the marriage--YOU ARE because she was faithful and you went outside the marriage! If she chooses to walk away, she is walking away from the rubble of the marriage that was, because you nuked it. If she does give you any sort of chance, you have GOT TO think of it not as something she owes you or as a second chance you expect, but as A GIFT. Priceless and Precious. 

You can choose to change whether your wife continues the marriage or not, and I personally suggest that you do change. And here's how we can tell if the change is "real"--we would see you doing 180 degrees the opposite of what you used to be doing, and more importantly, we would see you taking the time for your life to demonstrate, through your behavior and actions, that you are DIFFERENT! The thief doesn't only stop robbing-they do actions that help others! The liar doesn't only stop lying--they start telling the truth. The adulterer doesn't only stop the affair--they start acting in a way that protects their marriage and spouse FROM THEIR OWN WEAKNESSES. 

Peace by with you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What Affaircare said. And get the Linda McDonald book and get to work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Confessing at gunpoint isn't exactly magnanimous of you. Like you said, you would've taken this betrayal to your grave if you thought you wouldn't get busted.

Now, ask yourself why you think you get to call the shots on you wife's life?

You will have to dig deep to learn the reason for your 10 month betrayal. You didn't slip on a banana peel and fall into her vagina. So, please, spare you wife the string of "I don't know". Maybe you don't right now, but you need to seriously be working on it. Also, don't use the excuse of "I don't remember". You don't want your wife getting you checked for dementia. And, for God's sake, do not use your dear departeds as an excuse - that stinks of excuse. Your wife was there for you. Were you there for her - NO.

Remember, you're not only fighting the betrayal, you're fighting the avoidance, the substance abuse and the fact that you didn't end the affair - the ow's husband did.

Is there anything here that even hints that you gave your wife any thought in the last ten months?


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Big D said:


> I told her. the husband of the OW found out about the affair. I wanted my wife to hear it from me. I was willing to take it to my grave. However, I didn't want her to learn of my betrayal from anyone else. So, I confessed.


So, what I'm getting from this is that you didn't want your wife to find out about your little scandal from your affair partner's husband, so you beat him to the punch.

In other words, if her husband had never found out about the affair, you'd still be sleeping with her and your wife would still be completely clueless.

That's not a very good reason to confess.

So, now, only because the affair is over, you've decided that you want to fix things up with your wife.

Good luck with that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> We need some more details about your affair to give specific advice. In general, get the book 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair,' by McDonald, and follow it. You need to show her your remorse and willingness to do anything she needs.
> 
> Is the A completely over? Is there no contact? Completely? Are you transparent with your W? Is this the first time you've cheated?
> 
> You need to fill in some blanks.


*Exactly! But while we're waiting on the details of your affair; well ~ to quote Dr Phil McGraw ~ " What the hell were you thinking?"

Exactly how did your W come to find out about your betrayal, or did you just "out and out" confess it to her once the affair had run it's course?

You still have a hell of a lot of empty blanks that still need to be filled in!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

did the OWs Husband contact your wife? or you?


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## letmeletgo (Aug 9, 2015)

OP said OW husband found out and he wanted BW to hear it from him so he confessed. My question is why now do you want your marriage to work?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Big D said:


> I made the mistake, and I take full ownership for it.


You did not make a mistake, you made a CHOICE. 

You need to accept that, and own that. A 10 month affair is not an "oops, I made a bad decision one time". 10 months is a choice, day after day to betray your wife.

Be prepared to get the hell beat out of yourself here.

You deserve it. As someone else said, you feel like a POS because you have acted like a POS.

YOU do not get to feel better right now. The ONLY thing that matters right now is how SHE feels.

She has every right to kick you out, make you sleep on the couch and divorce you. 

She deserves better than you. 

She deserves to make a choice and end this, and you have ZERO say so in the matter. 

And if she does, you can cry all you want to. But you better not take it out on her. 

I GET how you're feeling. Know why? Because I cheated on my husband. And then I lied to him about it for 3 years. And I was delusional enough to think he'd just let it go and we'd be fine. WERE NOT. He's not ok and I'm not ok. I move out in March. And it's killing me. But you know what's killing me more? Feeling HIS pain. Seeing him not smile crushing me down to my soul. Feeling his pain radiate off him like the heat from a sunburn. 

If you want ANY chance of having a though of saving your marriage, you better figure out how to start worrying about HER pain and not yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who is the other woman? Is she someone you work with? A friend of the family? How did you meet her?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It sounds like you would have never told your wife if the OWs husband hadn't discovered the affair. You said you were "prepared to take it to the grave." So you were prepared to live a lie for the rest of your marriage. That's not good for either of you.

You only told her because you got caught, not because you were truly remorseful. Feel free to correct me if my assumptions are incorrect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Big D said:


> if that is truly what she wants, then I will honor her wishes. However, if our marriage can be saved, I'm willing to throw myself into it fully and completely. other marriages have survived and thrived after an affair, and I'm hoping this is one of them.



No one thrives after an affair.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Big D said:


> I told her. the husband of the OW found out about the affair. I wanted my wife to hear it from me. I was willing to take it to my grave. However, I didn't want her to learn of my betrayal from anyone else. So, I confessed.


So in other words, you only stopped because you were caught and only confessed because you knew she would find out and you were willing to take it to the grave. So in other words, you'd still be cheating and would keep eating cake until YOU felt otherwise.

So why do you want to win your wife back? By your own admission you'd still be cheating. I know I haven't offered you much help, but that's only because you seem to be wanting to mitigate the damage your 10 month affair caused. Exactly how long did you expect to continue the affair? 

Sorry but I don't think your remorseful at all, your just in cover my ass and give me my cake back mode. If you truly care about your wife, send her here. Where she can get the guidance and support she will need in order to heal.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm sorry, but nothing about this sorry saga says you gave a s*** about your wife, the length of time of the A suggests you knew exactly what you were doing. It takes alot of callousness and deception to pull off something like this. You got caught because of the OW's H so now you act like the big hero wanting to be the one to tell your unsuspecting wife, as if that makes you better somehow. YOu really don't have a first clue of the damage you have done. YOu should let your W go, if you really care about her, let her meet someone who will love and cherish her and if that is not her wish as least live the rest of her life away from the person who broke her heart, and maybe enable her to live a fulfilling life not being tied to someone who could betray her so.

You have no right whatsoever to expect any thing from your BW. Be glad that she agreed to give you another 3.5 years after the A was uncovered, most women would have dumped your a$$ and run.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If you sincerely want to save your marriage I suggest the following. First, do a thorough introspection and I do mean thorough. Think about the reasons that caused you to cheat, in depth. Throughout this process continually ask yourself "can I control this thinking/behavior?". Do your best not to let your selfish desires cloud your answer. Answer from as much of a dispassionate mindset as you can.

If done with earnest sincerity this process will take considerable time and should not be hurried. It is the only true way to know within yourself if you truly want R or if you are simply afraid of losing the comfort and familiarity of your current arrangement. If, throughout this process, you have any doubt or question as to your ability/desire to commit yourself 110% to doing whatever it takes to allow your wife to heal then I suggest you D and allow your wife to find someone capable of putting her and the family ahead of their own self motivations.

If, however, after deep soul searching, you do feel, with as much certainty as is possible, that you are willing and able to commit fully to being a real H and father then you must set about doing, with contrition, anything your wife needs to heal. This means changing habits and thought processes that are deeply ingrained and will be resistant to change. It is possible however, but only if you are able to change the focus of your motivation from yourself to your wife and family. This is no easy task.

Of course all of this is dependent on whether or not your wife can forgive and move past this serious of a betrayal, 10 months is a long time. If you are TRULY able to alter your mindset in the manner described above, then she will be making a sound decision if she agrees to take you back. If however, you are not able but merely deceiving her to save your own interests and she decides to give you another chance she will be making a grave mistake. You will hurt her again.

This is a long and difficult path you have put yourself on as a result of your self centered, self serving mindset. It will be emotionally draining and, at times, seem hopeless and it may very well be but, if you truly want to become a better spouse, it is the only option available to you. I wish you good fortune and your wife strength and wisdom.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> We need some more details about your affair to give specific advice. In general, get the book 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair,' by McDonald, and follow it. You need to show her your remorse and willingness to do anything she needs.
> 
> Is the A completely over? Is there no contact? Completely? Are you transparent with your W? Is this the first time you've cheated?
> 
> You need to fill in some blanks.


Big D. This book is an excellent resource for people in your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Let's face it, if the OP didn't get caught, he'd still be in the affair. Is he remorseful? I don't think so; I think he's sorry he got caught. Notice his original post; it's all about him and what he is going through, not about his wife, who he intentionally hurt for 10 months. The advice he says he is seeking is: "Help me save my marriage", but what I am reading seems to be: "Help me get out of trouble". There was nothing about helping his wife.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Big D said:


> ANY advice on how i can save my marriage would be SO GREATLY APPRECIATED. help.:frown2:


1) Offer her a divorce, including full alimony, child support and the home for her and the kids. Tell her you won't bother with a lawyer, you'll sign off on anything.

2) If she says okay. Graciously accept that the relationship is over and let her move on with her life. Don't try to change her mind or manipulate her. It's over.

3) If she wants to work things out, give her EVERYTHING she wants without hesitation for the rest of her life with a smile on your face. Consider yourself lucky.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> 1) Offer her a divorce, including full alimony, child support and the home for her and the kids. Tell her you won't bother with a lawyer, you'll sign off on anything.
> 
> 2) If she says okay. Graciously accept that the relationship is over and let her move on with her life. Don't try to change her mind or manipulate her. It's over.
> 
> 3) If she wants to work things out, give her EVERYTHING she wants without hesitation for the rest of her life with a smile on your face. Consider yourself lucky.


Is that what you got?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Big D said:


> It's the only time Ive been unfaithful in 18 years.


This is similar to being "a little bit pregnant." Unfaithful once is enough.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

header said:


> Is that what you got?


She didn't want to divorce but she fought me on nothing and basically gave me everything I wanted. We didn't even hire lawyers.

I had no intention of reconciling with a serial cheat. Some lines just can't be uncrossed.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> She didn't want to divorce but she fought me on nothing and basically gave me everything I wanted. We didn't even hire lawyers.
> 
> I had no intention of reconciling with a serial cheat. Some lines just can't be uncrossed.


Nice.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Good book. Buy two copies -- one for you and one for your wife. Invite her to read it w/ you.


Agreed on this Linda McDonald book. Find it on amazon. One of the best and simplest to read for you and your wife. Chapter by chapter. I gave this book to my remorseful wife who had a 2 year EA and 1 yr PA affair. The length of an affair makes it very hard to handle. I still have not forgiven her., but with time and remorse and healing actions on your part you have a chance. 2 years after DDay now I have told my wife that I am giving it time and we have a strong marriage now, but I still may decide some day in the future to leave and file. That's the best case reality you are in facing.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Don't take Xanax. That can make you feel better, then worse!

Try Clonazepa, its no where near habit forming and for me, it was a lot easier to handle.

You BOTH need to go to counseling. And trust me - yeah, if you THINK you are hurting... you're not, in comparison.

Look up the book : love triangle - Robot Check
Also try the library.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Big D, you still around?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Affaircare : Bravo!

My wife and I have already started couples counseling. She's being very transparent, I have access to her phone, etc.
We both have to work on ourselves as individuals and as a team to go for the long haul.

And yeah, its been very very painful experience.


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

Obviously you've gotten yourself in a very complicated matter. It should never have happened of course, but once it's done there's little you can do about it. Surely you're now wondering things like 'what was I thinking', 'why did I even do it''. I understand. Firstly, you need to accept all this and try to forgive yourself. Practice patience and try and be gentle with yourself. If you wish to save your marriage, then all ties with the other person must be broken off. That a must! No communication, no meeting, no texting, no nothing! Next, make sure to get counseling - as you most definitely going to need it to understand what caused this behavior in the first place. 

I once had a friend who went through something similar. He decided not to tell his wife - he was guilty as hell and believed no good would come from discussing this matter with her. He went through therapy and counseling on his own and was able to let go of the past after a year or so. In the end, you need to give yourself time to heal and ensure that you never, ever take your marriage for granted and repeat this mistake. Get some help here 8 Easy Tips to Save your Marriage from Divorce


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sylvia Smith said:


> Obviously you've gotten yourself in a very complicated matter. It should never have happened of course, but once it's done there's little you can do about it. Surely you're now wondering things like 'what was I thinking', 'why did I even do it''. I understand. Firstly, you need to accept all this and try to forgive yourself. Practice patience and try and be gentle with yourself. If you wish to save your marriage, then all ties with the other person must be broken off. That a must! No communication, no meeting, no texting, no nothing! Next, make sure to get counseling - as you most definitely going to need it to understand what caused this behavior in the first place.
> 
> I once had a friend who went through something similar. He decided not to tell his wife - he was guilty as hell and believed no good would come from discussing this matter with her. He went through therapy and counseling on his own and was able to let go of the past after a year or so. In the end, you need to give yourself time to heal and ensure that you never, ever take your marriage for granted and repeat this mistake. Get some help here 8 Easy Tips to Save your Marriage from Divorce


Your friend by not telling his wife is still effectively lying to her. If she were to find out now what happened then, it would be even worse, cause not only did he cheat, he lied about it, kept it a secret to save his own hide (probably) but passes if off as saving her feelings. If I was the wife i would want to know, he has no right to take that from her. He has unilaterally made the choice for the marriage to continue and she continues in a marriage which is basically a sham. She should have the choice to stay or go, as she is the aggrieved party. I cannot stand this type of reasoning that cheaters use. TBH I hope his wife finds out.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> Big D, you still around?


Apparently not.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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