# what am I feeling? love or distraction?



## nyx11 (Jul 4, 2014)

I met a guy in November and I have been in touch with him since then. I was with my ex boyfriend that time whom I was dating since 2010. I loved my ex immensely. He was the world to me and I never saw beyond him. 
In Feb this year I found out that my ex had been cheating on me with a another woman. I was devastated. I left him. He didn't come back and went to her. 

I was torn but all of a sudden this guy friend of mine started clouding my thoughts. I never approached him romantically but tried to keep myself distracted by him by just thinking about him since the thoughts of my ex made me almost sick with worry and pain. 

I don't understand what I feel for my friend. On one side I think I like him since I like looking at him and admiring him. 

I also felt upset when he showed a few pictures he took with an old female friend of his. I don't like it if he hangs out with other females. 
I also tend to worry what if he comes up with women or what if he likes his old female friend at job parties. 

But on the other side, I feel nothing when I see him. 
Neither I feel happy if he accomplishes something. In fact one or twice I felt upset that he was appreciated in public. His birthday is coming up and I am like OK, not excited. 
He is a bit of an upstart and has really bad fashion sense/colour combo sense and I felt funny about him. 

I am at wits end coz all my friends are connected to him. He gave his official keys to me to handle his work when he's gone. I have even been appointed to manage his one of his official work portfolio/page which is why I have to see his face everywhere. 

What is this? Is it case of sour grapes that I can't have him because of my weird attitude so I keep saying bad things about him? 
Or its just infatuation/distraction /rebound? 

People say that people come in our lives for a reason. My ex came and destroyed my life like slow poison which I didn't understand. I still don't hate him. Its not his fault. I always wished and wanted the best for him. 
Today he is in ruins, destroying himself by being a sleaze bag with sleazy females. 
Sadly, all my good intentions went in the drain, like it always happens with me. 

I think about someone's welfare but it never happens. But my 6 year old experience with him taught me a lot of things (I knew him from 2008). And it threw me from the top of a mountain to the foot of the mountain. 

Now why is this guy in my life. Whom I never noticed? Until February when all of a sudden, as if my mind start developing thoughts of him, while I was trying to distract myself from my ex's antics. 

Now that he has finally tasted some success and recognition and he is 30 (I am 24), he ll probably think of settling down with whoever he has his eyes on.
So what is my deal here? I always think 'what is it to me? Why do I care? But I never get an answer

What is the aim here? To cause more grief?


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## nyx11 (Jul 4, 2014)

Please respond


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Let me try to clarify what you're saying, ok? Your sleazy boyfriend from 2010 to early this year cheated on you, he's out of the picture, and now you're fantasizing about this new guy. You don't know why you're thinking about this new guy, but at the same time you're still torn up over your ex.

Did I get that right? 

Because if that's the case you're not in love with your friends if that's what you think. It may sort of feel like it but you're still too torn up over your ex to love anyone. Love as in a healthy relationship and not someone just taking care of your needs until you get over your ex. And I think what you're experiencing now is the need for love and comfort, and a lot of coming down from that high you had on your ex. 

It sounds to me like this guy is really nice and he's probably not at all what your ex was like. So you're not sure what to think after coming from an abusive relationship with a cheater to having this guy be nice to you for no reason. Don't read too much into that. Just because he's nice may not mean he's all that into you. And if he's a legitimate good guy he's probably got a good reason to keep his distance from you until you're over your ex. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but would you rather have a male friend treat you with respect and hold healthy boundaries with you at this time while understanding your pain, or would you rather have him be your shoulder to cry on and there to take advantage of you in your time of need. 

Guys like your friend are out there, but you're not going to see them or see them wanting you until you're ready to date again. Which that may not happen anytime soon. After your last relationship it's probably a good idea to take some time off and enjoy being single before you jump back in. Otherwise you risk running into a relationship with another man like your ex.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

nyx11 said:


> I feel nothing when I see him.


This is most definitely not love, or even like.



nyx11 said:


> my mind start developing thoughts of him, while I was trying to distract myself from my ex's antics


This statement is what most shows that he is just a rebound.

Look, you need work towards getting over your ex before even thinking of being with someone else. This new guy is obviously a rebound, you're only thinking of him to try to erase the pain of your ex. Not fair to new guy at all. I would keep him a friend for sure.

Work on yourself. Do not cover up your pain with feelings of someone else. In order to fully heal and move past it, you'll need to deal with it completely. It's going to hurt but it has to happen to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not ready to have a relationship with anyone right now.

The way you react to this new guy is a warning sign to yourself.

Just focus on Yourself for right now and heal from what your ex did to you.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I think in some ways it may be a crush within fantasy, that you sort of make this new guy into someone he's not in your thoughts, but when you see him in person you are reminded that he's not really that person you fantasize about and therefore you feel nothing.

It could also be that you don't feel anything for this person, but you want this person to feel something for YOU. Hence the jealousy when he pays attention to other females. You want him to want you, even if you don't really want him. All somewhat subconsciously, of course. It's just, I've been there. So that's my speculation. Either way the feelings don't seem to be real. But you're looking for an outlet to direct your romantic thoughts and receive attention. 

And hey, you know going on a date with this person wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing in the world. Just be careful that you wouldn't end up using him, but maybe you'd end up liking him in "real life" as well


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