# Trying to rebuild trust after affair



## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

Hello, looking for help here. I found out a couple months ago that my wife was having an affair online with a guy she met on words with friends back in June and in July he was in town where they met up and turned it from online to physical. She swears it was the first time and the only time she has been unfaithfull. The trust has been broken in this marriage and I still feel that she maybe talking to ppl online still but cant prove it, she swears she isnt doing anything and has offered her phone, email and any thing else I wanna look at. Could it be because the trust is broken and now I'm paranoid that this will happen agian or is my gut right and I just havnt caught her yet. thank you for reading


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

your trust will be damaged for a long time. After Dday you will trigger and think the worst even if there's nothing going on.

Install spyware on the phone and computer, and put a var in her car and any place she spends time away from you. You will either find proof, or find nothing long enough that it will rebuild some trust.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if your trust in her is to be rebuilt then it will take considerable time for that to be accomplished. Her transparency with the phone and emails is a helpful start, your own verification through spying methods in my opinion is also helpful

I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature and tell us some more of how you uncovered it and what you have been doing to address the affair so far


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Also if she revealed the A it will probably be easier to trust later than if you discovered it on your own.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

It takes time....lots of time to rebuild trust. It comes in baby steps! If your desire is to save the relationship then try to be patient!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> It takes time....lots of time to rebuild trust. It comes in baby steps! If your desire is to save the relationship then try to be patient!


Look up patience in the dictionary. You'll find a pic of LetDownNTX. 

Did she explain WHY she felt she had to see him? Why did she quit seeing him? Was he an old bf or a total stranger?


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

@Ovid:She didnt reveal the A to me, i discovered it by accident and even then she lied about it to me for days until finally after repeted arguements she confessed, i agree this would be easier if she just came clean out of guilt but i had to force it out of her. she said she lied to me about to protect me from the trama that she had caused our marriage. I have installed spyware on the computer and so far i havent found anything. I thought about her phone too but it has to be jailbroken for it to really work, and her phone is where she did almost all her secret chats and talking along with dirty pix and dirty videos that she sent to him.

@walkonmars: as far as why she said she was curious, they talked online and through text messages for almost two months and she wanted to see him. she stopped seeing him because he doesnt live in the same town, he just happened to be here on vacation for a couple of days, and he was a complete stranger they met on words with friends.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"just happened to be in your area for vacation" = he specifically came for a booty call


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so I take it that the WWF app is history now? (and any other similar apps?)

would be a deal breaker for me for her to still have those apps as it would drive me insane with paranoia


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

heyHurt

How old are you two and do you have any kids? How long are you married?

Her not telling you right away and the TT'ing is not a good sign.

Did they have full blown sex, was it one time or repeat offenses during his trip?

We're you able to read their texts?
Let us know.

Have you set any boundaries with your wayward wife so far?

Have you discussed divorce or separation?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

hurthubby said:


> @Ovid:She didnt reveal the A to me, i discovered it by accident and even then she lied about it to me for days until finally after repeted arguements she confessed, i agree this would be easier if she just came clean out of guilt but i had to force it out of her. she said she lied to me about to protect me from the trama that she had caused our marriage. I have installed spyware on the computer and so far i havent found anything. I thought about her phone too but it has to be jailbroken for it to really work, and her phone is where she did almost all her secret chats and talking along with dirty pix and dirty videos that she sent to him.
> 
> @walkonmars: as far as why she said she was curious, they talked online and through text messages for almost two months and she wanted to see him. she stopped seeing him because he doesnt live in the same town, he just happened to be here on vacation for a couple of days, and he was a complete stranger they met on words with friends.


Some positive signs here and some negative signs. How long have you been married? Any kids? near-by relatives?

What explanation did she give to be out of the house during the 'visit'? Had you noticed prep work on her part for the visit - like exta-grooming? new clothing? Stand-offishness with you?

I don't think you're out of the woods yet. You need to find out more about this other guy - much more. There needs to be a clear understanding that there will be no further contact from him - or legal consequences will ensue. 

Your wife should write a non-contact letter. See the newbie posts. You read it and approve it.


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

@Almostrecovered: Yes he was in town for vacation, it was actually a bachelor party. See we live in Las Vegas so alot of ppl come to Vegas for vacation. Also yes any apps with the ability to chat have been deleted and she willing hands me her phone the min i get home and calls me anytime her plans change and does check in with me to let me know whats going on and where she is going.
Im not trying to make any excuses for her, but I have to admit she is tryin to be transparent but I cant help but feel she is just getting better at covering her tracks, but I hope that im just being paranoid


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Look up patience in the dictionary. You'll find a pic of LetDownNTX.


:lol:HAHA, thats not necessarily a GOOD thing!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurthubby said:


> Im not trying to make any excuses for her, but I have to admit she is tryin to be transparent but I cant help but feel she is just getting better at covering her tracks, but I hope that im just being paranoid



had the same feelings myself for a period of time

I would think of every possible devious way that she could have kept up the affair. I checked a hole in the wall for a secret phone for a month straight.

ultimately, you have to take a step back and think to yourself what is logical and likely instead of what you fear or what you think could be happening is convoluted and fit to make the theory work instead of being straight forward.

Bottom line is that it takes an extremely rare psychopath/habitual liar to be able to fake a real R in which they successfully devote love and time towards you and do that heavy lifting yet still manage to hide an affair from you. The real odds of that happening are extremely unlikely.


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

@Happyman64: We've been together for 13 years and married for 4 we are both 36 and have no kids together. She said they didnt have full blown sex only oral, it only happend the one time cause I found out two days later and she was with me the entire time inbetween. we have set boundries and we did discuss seperation but I wanted her to stay and keep this a private matter and honestly didnt trust her to be alone. Only got to read texts sent through words with friends(they were really graphic) and she deleted all text messages sent through her phone.

@walkonmars: she told me she was going to have drinks with a girl from work,not really anything unusual about the prep work. As far as the other guy I have contacted him and made her contact him about leaving her alone. I did some research to find out everything I could about him and was able to contact his wife and emailed her about what he was doing with my wife and sent her all documents I had to back up my claim(took out any personal info of course) and let her handle her own business from there.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That's my most favorite all time game. I never imagined anyone meeting through that game. Then again, I only play against family and IRL friends.

With an affair, I could never trust again. My ex h cheated on me and I left the day I found out. Apparently he's a serial cheater and still cheats to this day. 

Going into my current marriage I made it very clear that if my husband strays, I'm gone. I do not give second chances for this very reason. I could never trust again.


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

Rebuilding the trust for me will be the hardest part. I think trust is like a mirror. once its broken even if you can put it back together agian you will always see the cracks. The affair i believe i can get past but the lying is something that hurts beyond words.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, so far you've acted with clarity. I don't see you with your head in the sand or in a cloud. You have both entered IC and MC I presume? She has underlying issues that must be addressed for a successful R.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

hurthubby said:


> Rebuilding the trust for me will be the hardest part. I think trust is like a mirror. once its broken even if you can put it back together agian you will always see the cracks. The affair i believe i can get past but the lying is something that hurts beyond words.


Sometimes you have to throw out the mirror and buy a new one.

Take your time. See if your wife is being honest with you, really wants to be married to you, is remorseful about her cheating.

And then decide if you want to still be married to her and can forgive her.

But most of all she needs to work on herself and find out why she did this and how she can fix herself so this does not happen again.

Good job handling the POSOM.

HM64


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

hurthubby said:


> Rebuilding the trust for me will be the hardest part. I think trust is like a mirror. once its broken even if you can put it back together agian you will always see the cracks. The affair i believe i can get past but the lying is something that hurts beyond words.


Trust is really hard to get back when she lied, deceived, manipulated and betrayed you. 

She tried to lie her way out of it when you found proof.

She tried to justify the lies by saying she didn't want to hurt you (should have thought of that before she went to meet POS)

Sorry, but in cheater speak - oral sex means full blown jungle sex. She is still not truthful. I also don't see a lot of remorse on her part. I would think she might get curious again down the road. The odds are against a "once and done" situation.

Only four years married. It would be hard for me to stay with her. Believe it or not there are honest, faithful women out there. It might be best for you if you find one.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Trust is really hard to get back when she lied, deceived, manipulated and betrayed you.
> 
> She tried to lie her way out of it when you found proof.
> 
> ...


One last chance polygraph time.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I agree on the short duration. There are times I still think about it even though no physical affair occurred (as far as I know). It's a real landmind topic. You can be good one day, next your without legs crawling for saftey. I give major props to those who can do all that crawling, as for me, suppose time will tell. 

I like the idea of polygraphs, I just don't know how much it'd do to make me feel better.


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