# should i take my revenge? pls help!



## qiqi (Mar 24, 2009)

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We fell in love while we were 16 and since then we are inseparable. We survived some pretty difficult years (including long-distance relationship) when each of us were going to graduate schools in different states. I had always had ultimate confidence in the trust and mutual understanding we had for each other, knowing that I was his best friend and he was mine. Then things changed.
About a year ago, I accidentally learned that my husband was having an affair with someone he met in grad school--actually it the last year of his grad school. And at the time when I learned about it, it had been going on for almost 2 years. Even a year later when I think about it, I still can't describe how I felt at that moment. Furious... Disbelief... Disoriented...Suffocating... I remember me screaming, so desperately as if I was trying to scare away the demon that is going to devour me, as if seeing my whole life collapsing right in front of my eyes. My husband did what he could to save the marriage--breaking off with that woman completely, being very attentive to me, and we did try to talk a lot about it. The recovery was slow and extremely painful but somehow it brought us back together and even closer than before.
Friends who knew about this kept telling me that give it time, give it time. And god knows I did. I tried so hard ( so hard!) to forgive. Part of me is happy with what I have right now but deep down, part of me is still furious, furious about that woman, about what she did to my husband and my marriage, about how she felt that she was entitled to pursue her true love no matter what. I did talk to her after I learned about the affair. I needed closure so desperately and the need to know what kind of person she is was so strong that it was driving me crazy. In the numerous conversations I later had with my husband, the more I learned about this person, the angrier I am getting. This anger is eating me everyday and I simply can’t get over it. This person is totally beyond belief and all I want is to hurt her just like how she hurt me and my marriage—I know it sounds really evil and I have never had any thoughts like this, not even close, towards anybody before. Here are a few things she had done---
1. she was the one who took the initiative all along in the affair. She sent my husband over a dozen love letters knowing that he is married while she herself was engaged to someone else.
2. they became sexually involved when she requested my husband to kiss her and then offered him a blow job.
3. she then broke up with her fiancé at the time and called my husband's best friend to ask for advice, who by the way is also my friend.

4. she wrote to my husband's great aunt (who was very close to my husband) knowing that she was already dead at the time.
5. in less then a year after my husband broke it off with her, she was engaged to someone and now they are moving to where we live now.
6. she has never apologized even when she had plenty opportunities to do so and so far she probably still thinks that she was my husband’s true love and he cowardly gave her up to save the marriage. 
I can't fathom her twisted personality but it bothers me so much everyday. I even want to write to her current fiancé to let him know what kind of person she truly is and what she had done before. I know this thought is stupid and I am fight it (and for the record, I do not want to hurt another person) but the urge to hurt her is so real that it’s driving me crazy. 
Should I write to her fiancé? If so, what should I say? If not, what am I supposed to do? How could people like her just get away from all this so easily? How can I have my closure? 
Please help me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hosing up her pending marriage will just keep her on the market. Not that that would deter her, she seems to have low morals to start with. It sounds as if your fixation with the affair is more associated with her than your husband. Have you forgiven him? As far as getting over it and gaining closure have you tried counseling?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

First off I sympathize and I'm glad that you could make it work however in your forgiveness I think you've overlooked the fact that no matter what the other woman said, offered or did....she didn't act alone. Your husband made a decision to respond to those love letters, to kiss her when she asked and I assume to be on the recieving end of the that BJ. And why do you expect her to apologize to you...she knew it was wrong when she did it, why would she be remorseful now? Your relationship is about you and your husband and allowing her into it in anyway is only erroding what you've rebuilt. I'm not saying you should be over the affair by any means - just that you are giving her power that she doesn't have.

To answer your question - no you shouldn't insert yourself into her relationship. For one, that invites her actively back into you and your husbands lives which is not something you want to do. Secondly, its out of pure spite, this guy may already know or he might not, but its up to her to tell him not you. She may have changed when she met him. It is possible and its not your call to make.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

:iagree:

Really, the problem is your husband. There are plenty of fish in the sea and that girl is one of them...there are more. You shouldnt care about her, ever heard of Devil's advocate? Your husband was tempted and he took it. Getting mad at her is like getting mad at food for jumping in an obese person's mouth. Its rediculous. 

I think what is going on is you are very angry with your husband but you are desperate to make it work, therefore you are finding another avenue to channel it all. Dont get caught up in that. 

Plus, take it from me, her new fiance is crazy about her and you writting him crap about her will just bring them closer and make their bond stronger.


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

I hope i am giving good advise here. But the way I see it, is that you should not take revenge. Think about what kind of person that would make you, you don't want to stoop to that level, and what good will it do you to make revenge?

second, it takes two to tango. Its not entirely the other womans faut. Even though she sent him letters, kissed him or whatever, he responded back. I know you keep hearing that it will take time, but it will. I can see your still angry, and just dont know were to channel it to...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

1. she was the one who took the initiative all along in the affair. She sent my husband over a dozen love letters knowing that he is married while she herself was engaged to someone else.


Ok and not to push your thoughts aside BUT it does take two and if you H wanted it to end it would END and the letters would stop. 




2. they became sexually involved when she requested my husband to kiss her and then offered him a blow job.
3. she then broke up with her fiancé at the time and called my husband's best friend to ask for advice, who by the way is also my friend.



And AGAIN she offerd but he had the choice. thats the thing you have to relise here its easy to point the anger at him and think that your H was hipnotized or something but in reality he is human and he got caught up. made a mistake but its not only her. 



4. she wrote to my husband's great aunt (who was very close to my husband) knowing that she was already dead at the time. 

???????????????????????


5. in less then a year after my husband broke it off with her, she was engaged to someone and now they are moving to where we live now.

Sale your house you dont need that Drama!



6. she has never apologized even when she had plenty opportunities to do so and so far she probably still thinks that she was my husband’s true love and he cowardly gave her up to save the marriage. 
I can't fathom her twisted personality but it bothers me so much everyday. I even want to write to her current fiancé to let him know what kind of person she truly is and what she had done before. I know this thought is stupid and I am fight it (and for the record, I do not want to hurt another person) but the urge to hurt her is so real that it’s driving me crazy. 
Should I write to her fiancé? If so, what should I say? If not, what am I supposed to do? How could people like her just get away from all this so easily? How can I have my closure? 
Please help me.[/quote]


DONT email him first of all I have to admit I had the same issue of ok so she totally thinks my H wanted her not me blah blah but really REALLY if he did then why stay? seriously and why be with someone you love but your not in love with thats stupid. I would come out loud and proud he is yours YOURS not hers. she is the one that looks stupid talking about how he wanted her well if that was true then why is he with you? I dont care how good of a man you are you will NOT stay with someone you dont love.


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