# Is this even remotely plausible?



## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Standard WH had EA story.. (except with the crazy amount of triggers. See "Motherload of all triggers thread for the gory details.)

The OW's H died almost 2 months prior to my own father passing. (This was when my WH had the brilliant idea to get involved with her)

After much talking, basically me wanting as many details as I can get trying to piece this mess together. And I've explained to him how important this is to me because the stance I'm taking is that if we don't understand how this transpired, then it's pretty much bound to happen again. (I could be wrong, by now I have no idea which end is up any more.)

he has admitted the following. :
That she was, 'A good-looking woman" and swears that he never once thought of her sexually.

That he flirted because he thought it was harmless (has since determined not so much) and that he did so to "help her feel better or give her a boost. 

I should remind everyone that my H & I along with the OW go to church together. Anyway, one day at church, our pastor had evereyone form a line and pray for each other. (a prayer tunnel basically) The lights were very dim, and I suffer from night blindness...and long story short, I'm praying for this woman, and then she starts weeping. More like sobbing telling me how sorry she is and thanking me for forgiving her. I literally had no idea it was her until I heard the voice..... I froze.

My husband maintains, "I let her in my head and not my heart"
and that he "liked the feeling of being needed and stroked" (not literally, but like the dog he is.)

So, basically I'm wondering if anyone believes any of his explanations listed above. Why would this hag get so emotional unless there were more to the story? My head is so messed up from thinking about this crap all the time, I'm hardly functioning. He says he loves me, wants us to work...yada yada..I don't now what to do any more. Anyone have any advice??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

pugnacious said:


> he has admitted the following. :
> That she was, 'A good-looking woman" and swears that he never once thought of her sexually.


Nope, I call BS- even if he had no intentions of it he still had attraction and if the affair went long enough it would have definitely gone PA (assuming it hasn't)



pugnacious said:


> That he flirted because he thought it was harmless (has since determined not so much) and that he did so to "help her feel better or give her a boost.



More BS- he may have thought the flirting was harmless at the beginning but if he was hiding it from you then certainly at one point he knew it was harmful. And I believe it did more because it made him feel good not to make her feel good. He got the ego boost both from the attention from an attractive woman and for "helping save her". He twisted his intentions into something altruistic in his own mind. 




pugnacious said:


> My husband maintains, "I let her in my head and not my heart"
> and that he "liked the feeling of being needed and stroked" (not literally, but like the dog he is.)


how is that not emotional (heart). Logic (head) would dictate that getting those needs met from a woman in mourning and not from you is harmful. Emotions cause the illogical decisions.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Wow, Almost... That's almost verbatim what I've been saying this whole time. He refuses to see it though. My heart literally skipped
when I read your response. And thank you for replying, by the way. 

Even just someone else validating that they get where I'm coming from helps. Just to know that I'm not too far out of touch. I just can't seem to make him understand my points. Ugh


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I don't know your story, what consequences have you implemented for staying with him? For starters he needs to go no contact with her.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Yes, no contact is in effect. I've written to the board as far as turning her in concerning her "therapy" gig. He's very transpartent with phone, email, and the like. So, no problems there.

It seems like whenever we talk about the A, things always seem to end up right back at square one. I've told him that I believe that he was attracted (he says no) but then turns around & says she's "good looking". I've explained that I believe that typically people don't flirt unless there's some sort of an attraction. I've also asked him if he thought it would have gone into a PA. His response?...maybe WTH?? Is he just talking in circles?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so basically he isn't coming around on demonstrating remorse, and not trickle truthing or being 100% honest with you. 

Unless he starts a turnaround your R won't work very well. You need to make it clear that you can't get over this if he doesn't start telling the truth, even if he feels that truth may hurt you, him or the marriage, that the marriage will end anyways.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

As far as consequences, he no longer has any privacy. He's been told that if I smell a hint of anything fishy (no pun intended) that I'm done. No questions. I've actually punched him twice in the face, and told him that Id beat his @SS and hers if there's any more contact period. And, I mean it. He no longer gets the luxury of trying to rug sweep. I've told him that every single time I'm triggered, guess what? we WILL talk about it until it subsides, even if it's at 4:00 am, I don't care. Prolly not the best way to go about things, but at this point anything goes.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

That's just it, I have told him that I need the truth, no matter if he's scared, or thinks it'll hurt me. And that we can't move forward until I have all the pieces. And that I'm not going to stick around for very much more of this. This is nuts


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well try not to be violent, that really isn't good, if a man punched his wife we'd all be screaming to leave


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Flirting is the testing grounds for plausibility. A fact is that every spouse who does wrong, wants to minimize the damage, so they down play everything "just flirting", flirting is the gateway, testing the water, to EAs and EA's are the gate way to PA's. Few spouses just jump into the water without "testing" them for a while. A spouse flirting with another person (not H/W) is not constructive. What use does it do? Boost ego? Really?

Sigh...minimizing, trickle truth, lies. What kind of woman sobs for flirting, maybe she was still grieving but, for flirting? I've never met one like that.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

pugnacious said:


> As far as consequences, he no longer has any privacy. He's been told that if I smell a hint of anything fishy (no pun intended) that I'm done. No questions. I've actually punched him twice in the face, and told him that Id beat his @SS and hers if there's any more contact period. And, I mean it. He no longer gets the luxury of trying to rug sweep. I've told him that every single time I'm triggered, guess what? we WILL talk about it until it subsides, even if it's at 4:00 am, I don't care. Prolly not the best way to go about things, but at this point anything goes.


Yea if he's looking for a way out you just paved it. Don't ever do this again. Imagine how it would look in the D if you have an arrest for domestic violence and shows the judge the pictures of his bruised face. IT'll be hard to get any support plus harder to get custody. Your husband is rug sweeping this and is likely just biding his time till you let your guard down. Then he'll probably send out a fishing email. It's a simple "hey happy birthday" or something like that. That's totally innocent but the true purpose is to see if he can resume illicit reciprocal contact with the OW. 
If he gets it the A will reignite and probably with twice the passion. 

You need to be calling him on his bull. You are getting trickle truthed. There is more to this story or my screen name isn't badbane.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Point taken, Almost. Certainly not proud of how I handled it by resorting to violence, and even scared myself when it happened. That's the thing, you turn into something you don't even recognize as yourself when this happens to you. I guess I reverted back to jr high. Not cool..

Thank you for your response, CleanJerk. And you've nailed it on the head. I've tried to explain those very points to him, to no avail. I don't know if he just refuses to see them for what they are or maybe he just can't come to grips with the whole thing. Who knows? I'm just beating myself up trying to think of a way to explain this to him in a way he understands. But that depends how much he's willing to listen and to what degree.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you BadBane. Appreciate your honesty. And in my gut, I knew this was the case. I guess I just don't know how to bring this up in a way that he lets his gaurd down enough to be honest with his self as well as me. That's the stumbling block.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Rather than getting violent, find other ways to work through this. As a betrayed spouse, I really do understand what you are dealing with. I found that counseling was quite helpful. Since your situation involves church members, have you spoken to your pastor? Perhaps that would be a constructive avenue for you. Your pastor could potentially be someone whom your husband would listen to also.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If you are only asking without proof in front of his face, he is going to lie and downplay it. If he is truly remorseful he will "come clean". If not, he won't.

My H lied and downplayed his EA's... never told the truth. I am filing for D next Friday. He knows this, yet would rather D, than to tell the truth.. 

I hope your marriage is stronger.. and he will open up to you.


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## pugnacious (Jul 11, 2012)

Thank you, 827Aug & Numb.

Yes, we have talked to our pastor. And while he is an awesome pastor, I was given the impression that he was clueless in this area. He told us that, " There are varying degrees of cheating" and it seemed like he was aluding to the typical if he didn't sleep with her then in time, I'll get over it. So, not too productive.

And I don't have any other "proof" other than what I confronted him with. Sorry to hear that your situation ended with D. I'm trying to remain hopeful that mine won't, but it's not looking so good


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry your pastor is clueless. Ideally he should be willing to talk to your husband. You may want to find a good marriage counselor. Your husband will continue to deny, since you have very little hard evidence. Unfortunately, as long as your husband minimizes and/or denies what he did, reconciliation is going to be hard.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

pugnacious said:


> Thank you BadBane. Appreciate your honesty. And in my gut, I knew this was the case. I guess I just don't know how to bring this up in a way that he lets his gaurd down enough to be honest with his self as well as me. That's the stumbling block.


be an unbearable *******, beat the horse dead(then beat it some more), call him out on any illogical details in stories (study his every word) . Basically make lying as hard as it can possibly be. Eventually the stress will break him. A's are fantasy and if reality is kicking, screaming, and punching him in the face(not literally but I am sure there are plenty of BS here on TAM who hail you as a hero right now) it is hard to live in a fantasy. 
I am sorry but dear if you want to save your marriage you have to be ready to go to war. If you aren't then you might as well just back off, let them go at it, be prepared for a PA dday, save up and have a retainer for a D lawyer all set and ready to go.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

basically let it be known that at this point you are looking to file (or go see an attorney and start the process) and let him know that his only choice if he wishes to stop the process is to be 100% honest.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> basically let it be known that at this point you are looking to file (or go see an attorney and start the process) and let him know that his only choice if he wishes to stop the process is to be 100% honest.



I agree on this one... and then how important you and the marriage is on them. They made the decision to cheat, they can make the decision to save the marriage or not. 

This way you won't always wonder if YOU did the right thing.


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