# Please!!! I need help!!!!!



## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

My husband like to text a lot and well one of his co-worker is a female and she is married but her husband is in other state, my husband and her became friend and they be texting a lot and I already talk to him about this situation and he said I'm acting childish and that I need to grow up and I text her telling her that I don't like that them two been textin each other. And they still doing it and most the time when he is in the bathroom or I leave to do something he text her and he get mad cause he said I be checking the bill online everyday to see how many time he text her. And I told him that is disrespectful and he said is not and I don't know what to do anymore I'm really tired of all this situation. And also he don't tell me he loves me or nothing. And when we was dating we used to had a good communication and now we don't have anything and he said is cause I be here all the day and he don't have nothing to said to me but he do have something to said to his friend and that really hurt me and he don't understand that he just blame everything on me and telling me that I need to grow up and that I need therapy and all that. Please can somebody help me I need people opinion about this situation PLEASE!!!! HELP ME!!!! ;-(


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Ok a few things....

How long has this been going on? 

Is it work texting or more? 

Does she hang out with you both, since you ahve contacted her? what did she say?

you do sound very jealous, but you have reason to be. I am sure if a woman was texting me all the time my wife would getr pissed as well.

Well you need to find out where your hubby stands. Does he want to be married to you? What is the real story?

I am a social person and I know when I meet someone new especially of the opposite sex I get wrapped up in it. Not that I am sexually attracted to them, but I guess excited over "learning about someone new" but I soon drop off after the initial excitement is over.

My wife knows I am a huge flirt, so is she, But she is allowed to view any Text I send or any I receive if she wishes. I tell her about everything, even the littlest of things.

But I alos go out of my way to explain myself to my new friends that are female, I'll tell them look I am a huge flirt but do not take me serious, I love to joke around and have fun, but don't think I will be trying to get you into bed, I just like to flirt and tease. Soon as they realize that is all it is, it is usually cool.

But you really need to discuss this with him and her, maybe all three go out to dinner, maybe you and her should become firends, why don't you ahve a "girls night out?"


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sometimes it is all how you present stuff to your dear husband. I think you ned to look at your approach and figure out a better way. Set reasonable boundries. Let him know if his texting is affecting the mariage etc.

draconis


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Ok a few things....
> 
> How long has this been going on?
> 
> ...



Well this is be going for a long time and the text is not only about work and he don't wanna show me his text is like he hiding somethin and when he get home he deleted all his text so I can see them or if I'm right next to him and he get a text he don't read them until I leave to do something around the house and that is sneaky but he said is not and yeah he is a flirty person too but I need to be respect because I'm not seating around the house texting some other guys or my friend male cause I know he go be mad and that happen long time ago and I stop but on his case he don't wanna stop and I'm really tired about it because I fell he don't respect me and he don't care what I think.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

My wife does the same thing.
Here is the thing that I run into.

1. She has always been tomboyish...meaning she normally has more male friends the female.

2. Only when I pushed the issue did problems arise....IE I pushed and pushed about one guy, I ended up causing her to "rebel" against me. Saying I was controling...it drove a wedge between us and emotionally she became VERY attached with the guy. Once I stepped back, and explained instead of demanded...things got better...a little.

I think that if it bothers you then once you have said something. Give it some thought and put your foot down. Other wise it will continue. Or meet the person he is talking with and make your decision from there.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

If he is hiding it then there is a reason. But if he's open about it then there is no issue. There was a situation that my husband emailed someone back who contacted him through MySpace, they'd gone to school together and she sent an email. He responded with a joke that I thought was in poor taste but it was a joke...he apologized said that he would have said the exact same thing to a guy purely joking but he could see how I'd be offended. But he had no issue with me reading the email, I even asked to see the other ones and he opened them. The point was it offended me and out of respect he should and did stop. We are just going through reconciling after he cheated on me with a girl that it began by texting. It was all innocent but that texting got out of control and turned in to a physical affair. The issue was when he felt something missing from our relationship and was connecting with someone else the affair was "convenient". He also hid those texts, deleted and lied about them. So no you can't put up with what is happening and you aren't the one with an issue. However, your approach doesn't have to be accusatory. There may be another issue here that needs to be resolved first, you said he never says he loves you. It doesn't mean he doesn't but maybe things have gotten stale, which can happen. So why don't you try to reconnect with him. If he has nothing to talk about then you talk to him, about anything, nothing, just talk. Plan a special day where you two do something fun. Maybe if you open the lines of communication you can then tell him the texting hurts you and why.


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> If he is hiding it then there is a reason. But if he's open about it then there is no issue. There was a situation that my husband emailed someone back who contacted him through MySpace, they'd gone to school together and she sent an email. He responded with a joke that I thought was in poor taste but it was a joke...he apologized said that he would have said the exact same thing to a guy purely joking but he could see how I'd be offended. But he had no issue with me reading the email, I even asked to see the other ones and he opened them. The point was it offended me and out of respect he should and did stop. We are just going through reconciling after he cheated on me with a girl that it began by texting. It was all innocent but that texting got out of control and turned in to a physical affair. The issue was when he felt something missing from our relationship and was connecting with someone else the affair was "convenient". He also hid those texts, deleted and lied about them. So no you can't put up with what is happening and you aren't the one with an issue. However, your approach doesn't have to be accusatory. There may be another issue here that needs to be resolved first, you said he never says he loves you. It doesn't mean he doesn't but maybe things have gotten stale, which can happen. So why don't you try to reconnect with him. If he has nothing to talk about then you talk to him, about anything, nothing, just talk. Plan a special day where you two do something fun. Maybe if you open the lines of communication you can then tell him the texting hurts you and why.


Thank you!!! And well I talk to him when he get home I ask him how was work and all that to try to make a conversation and I told him what I did for school and all the stuff our little son did during the day so he know about it cause I think something like that is important like tell him what our little son did during the day but sometime he don't paid attention of what I'm sayin because he either watchin music video or texting his friend from work that he spent time with them all day and he get home and still texting them and I think if he get home is to be with his family but he don't care. And I already talk to him about how I feel about this texting situation but he response to this is I'm jealous and childish. And everything time we got problem he go and call or text his friend and talk about our business and one day I found out he was talking **** about me and I told him and he told me sorry but that wasn't enough because he still doing it. It just a lot stuff goin on in our marriage that I don't know what to do and he said it just me that got issues and that I need therapy. And the "I love you" when we was dating he used to tell me everyday but once I had the baby and we got married everything change and he only told me that if I told him I love him other then that he don't. And he always try to get his friends opinion instead of mine and he be telling me and do a lot stuff that hurting me but he don't see that. And I can't live like that I really love him with all my heart but I'm gettin tired I need somebody to care about me. not someone that think I'm just there for sex, maid or baby mama.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think your H is bored. His 'friend' is giving him a little boost to get through the monotony. 

Do you two do anything fun together? Do you two have date night or do anything out of the ordinary together? i think you guys need to spice up your days.

Not that i think you should be trying to do this now. obviously his behavior is way out of line and very disrespectful towards you. but this is probably what led to the problem. 

sooooo, if there is anyway you could, i think you ought to start going out and having a good time. plan something fun for yourself, something out of the ordinary, and invite your H if you arent too upset with him. or just go with some friends or on your own.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I really hate text messaging!!!! This actually sounds like it extends beyond the texting. It may be time to get out. I don't mean to sound harsh but why stay with someone who makes you feel badly. If you think its salvageable then here is my advice, focus on YOU for awhile. Sounds like you do a lot for him and your baby but what about you? I went through something similar and I swear it seemed like I bored him. Ok fine, I can move on. At first I tried to communicate but he actually said two things that really hurt 1) "I don't want to work on our marriage right now. If its meant to be it will work out." 2) When asked if he wanted to stay married at one point he answered "50% yes, and 50% no". I tried communicating and learning what made him unhappy. Then I realized it seemed like he blamed me. I didn't make dinner often enough and expected him to (we both work a lot of hours), I worked too much (his biz slowed down and I did it to make up for the $$), he was in great shape and I was looking my age, etc. etc. Pretty soon I thought what a selfish A***hole! At first I was working on me FOR him. But soon I found I enjoyed focusing on me. My kids didn't suffer. I worked out daily, got a new haircut, got a new outlook and was positive, ignored his BS and at one point I said to him "if you are 50% out the door, let's do a trial separation. We'll find a place to rent that you can stay at for a month or whatever you need. But, I will not go on with you saying you are 50% committed and don't want to work on our relationship". He refused to go, he refused to change. So I joined a single mom's group, made some new friends (still friends and part of this group, they didn't kick me out when my marriage got back on track) and I became independent. Hmmmm....he started giving me more attention. Long story short, he was having an affair and his indifference was guilt. He had trouble looking me in the face and sometimes sleeping in the same bed because of what HE did. But it was all transferred to me, he made me feel it was my fault. We are doing great at reconciling and rebuilding but he had to make the effort or it would never work. So maybe what you need to do is do somethings for yourself that you enjoy and are purely for you. Join a group or organization, find a new hobby, exercise, whatever it takes that makes you feel good about you and forget about focusing on him for awhile. See if that changes his attitude. If not, well maybe its time to show him the door!


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I really hate text messaging!!!! This actually sounds like it extends beyond the texting. It may be time to get out. I don't mean to sound harsh but why stay with someone who makes you feel badly. If you think its salvageable then here is my advice, focus on YOU for awhile. Sounds like you do a lot for him and your baby but what about you? I went through something similar and I swear it seemed like I bored him. Ok fine, I can move on. At first I tried to communicate but he actually said two things that really hurt 1) "I don't want to work on our marriage right now. If its meant to be it will work out." 2) When asked if he wanted to stay married at one point he answered "50% yes, and 50% no". I tried communicating and learning what made him unhappy. Then I realized it seemed like he blamed me. I didn't make dinner often enough and expected him to (we both work a lot of hours), I worked too much (his biz slowed down and I did it to make up for the $$), he was in great shape and I was looking my age, etc. etc. Pretty soon I thought what a selfish A***hole! At first I was working on me FOR him. But soon I found I enjoyed focusing on me. My kids didn't suffer. I worked out daily, got a new haircut, got a new outlook and was positive, ignored his BS and at one point I said to him "if you are 50% out the door, let's do a trial separation. We'll find a place to rent that you can stay at for a month or whatever you need. But, I will not go on with you saying you are 50% committed and don't want to work on our relationship". He refused to go, he refused to change. So I joined a single mom's group, made some new friends (still friends and part of this group, they didn't kick me out when my marriage got back on track) and I became independent. Hmmmm....he started giving me more attention. Long story short, he was having an affair and his indifference was guilt. He had trouble looking me in the face and sometimes sleeping in the same bed because of what HE did. But it was all transferred to me, he made me feel it was my fault. We are doing great at reconciling and rebuilding but he had to make the effort or it would never work. So maybe what you need to do is do somethings for yourself that you enjoy and are purely for you. Join a group or organization, find a new hobby, exercise, whatever it takes that makes you feel good about you and forget about focusing on him for awhile. See if that changes his attitude. If not, well maybe its time to show him the door!



Thank you!!! And yeah that what I'm goin to do because I'm a stay at home mom and student and I always been doing stuff around the house takin care of my baby, cleanin, studyin and cook and have everythin ready when he came home but he don't see all that so I'm go start doing my own thing. And when he was out to sea for two months I got a makeover and everything and when he saw me he just said is look nice that it!! And now he leaving for six month on January so I think that go be the best for me just be by myself and I feel I'm married but single you know and when we go out he dont be around me like a husband he act like he by his self but anyway Thank you for you help.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

He blames you so he won't feel guilty for what he is doing. He says he doesn't want to work on your marriage, doesn't sounds like he cares too much. When does he want to work on it, when it's over? 
Duh ! If he isn't giving you sex, doesn't say he loves you, and is texting this *****, than let him have her. He isn't worth worrying about. Sorry to use the word *****, but any woman that comes between a man and his wife is a *****, hun. She is married too. Why not tell her husband what is going on. Fight fire with fire, hun. What goes around..comes back around, but if you don't want to wait to see it happen, you can help it along some. :awink:


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

draconis said:


> Sometimes it is all how you present stuff to your dear husband. I think you ned to look at your approach and figure out a better way. Set reasonable boundries. Let him know if his texting is affecting the mariage etc.
> 
> draconis


He doesn't give damn about their marriage, from what she first wrote there. 

Most men (not all) don't give a damn until it's too late.


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

Honey said:


> He blames you so he won't feel guilty for what he is doing. He says he doesn't want to work on your marriage, doesn't sounds like he cares too much. When does he want to work on it, when it's over?
> Duh ! If he isn't giving you sex, doesn't say he loves you, and is texting this *****, than let him have her. He isn't worth worrying about. Sorry to use the word *****, but any woman that comes between a man and his wife is a *****, hun. She is married too. Why not tell her husband what is going on. Fight fire with fire, hun. What goes around..comes back around, but if you don't want to wait to see it happen, you can help it along some. :awink:



Well I would tell her husband but I don't know her husband and her husband is in other stay because she is in the military and my husband too and her and her husband are in different states. And I already told her and she said she goin to respect my decision and she told my husband and he got pissed about that that day he came home and he was heating because I text her and I told her what goin on and how I feel about them two texting each other he told me he was embarrasing about that cause that his friend from work and I wish I can't tell her husband but I don't have any way to contact him.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Is there anyone that has info that can help you get the word to him? If someone was cheating on me, I would be so thankful for that person telling me. No more wasted time for me and believing all their stupid lies.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

morenapr,

Good for you for texting her and telling her how you felt! Too bad if he is pissed...he doesn't seem to respect you so it is good you put your foot down. Even though you can't get in touch with her husband, if this continues you can always tell her you are going to unless it stops. (she doesn't know if you can or not) The problem is that if your husband wants to continue this unacceptable behavior, he will and can and there's not much you can do about it. 

I wish I could offer more encouragement, but when a spouse is hiding things, they are most likely going out of the boundaries of the marriage. (Especially where her husband is away.) I bet he would be upset too if he was aware. Maybe she is thinking about that.

My husband was having an emotional affair with a woman across the globe, and I called her up and asked her to end it and please to not see my husband anymore.. (I believe that did it, at least for now, because maybe she happened to be a nice person whom had some conscience, or she realized it was not a practical decision to continue...who knows? Maybe I will never know)

Good luck, but be strong and hold your ground as you do not have to accept his disrespect.:banned2:

Maybe you might want to think of some things you can do that you might enjoy apart from him. Maybe if he won't stop, start building yourself up so you can have an exit plan. Hopefully you have family or friends for support. I wish you the best! (it is not easy being in that situation)


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

I don't think nobody have her husband info only the people from the ship and I can't go there and ask for his info. And yeah I do have my family support I already told my mom and she don't like it either she said that is disrespectful and she told she always go have the door open for me and my son. And I just wish somebody tell him about that cause I told him so many times and he think is just jeoulosy problem and he think texting her is not a problem. I just want him to see what he doin before is get to late and I left him because Im really gettin tired of this.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

My gosh, am I the only one that doesn't cheat?


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

Well you don't the only one cause I can't cheat either and if I want too I can't do it I don't know why is just me because I don't like it and I never in my life cheat to somebody either my ex boyfriend or my current husband. But I know I got my heart broke so many time cause they cheat on me so I dont know.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Honey I have never cheated and don't plan to, I will joke around, but that is it.

But you sure ike to lump us men together in the same boat.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

honey...

you said:

>>>Most men (not all) don't give a damn until it's too late.<<<<

i contend that most men DON'T KNOW HOW to care until it's too late.
just my humble observation.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I for one never cheated every on anyone I was ever with and even abstained from dating while waiting for the divorce from my first wife. (Walked in on her cheating with another guy.) Even after she moved in with him I kept my vows. Not all men cheat. I did have a number of girls cheat on me though.

draconis


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*morenapr*

I am a man and feel horrible for what your husband is putting you through. I have had to deal with some degree of game playing similar to what your Husband is doing to you, from my Wife.
The bad thing about what your husband is doing is that he might not be doing anything really wrong but is making it worse with his secrecy. The secret (possibly about nothing) has become more important to him than your feelings, your marriage or even his son, because of his pride and misguided need for having his secret other life.

You have the right to be upset about the way he is treating you but am not a believer in divorcing to solve marital problems, so will not suggest you do that, even though he is asking for it.

He told you that you need to seek counseling and he's half right. I believe you might both benefit from marriage/couples counseling. If for no other reason, at least you will have someone neutral in the middle to make sure that both sides are heard and maybe your husband will see the error in his ways if he hears it from someone other than you.

There is nothing that you can do to prevent him from doing whatever he wants while he is at work since he is on a military ship. There are however ways of cloning his cell phone so that you can get the exact texts and calls that he receives on a phone that you would have with you. 
I would suggest that you exhaust other options first though in order to try and save the marriage, which I think is what you want. 

He sounds young (early 20's) from the way he is rationalizing and acting, not an excuse, but a possible explanation for his behavior.


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## morenapr (Sep 8, 2008)

Yes, Carmaenfoncer he just turn 23 and I'm turning 25 in January. And well I told him we both need therapy and he said he don't need one cause he know what he doing. And about cloning his cellphone I look around to see but I don't know how and well I already know he do whatever when he not around me. And also I noticed when we go eat with our friends (couple) he be in one side and I be in other one while the other couple be together and I told him I think he is embarrasing of me and he told me no but I think he do. Is just a lot stuff happening that I think we don't going to make to our second years of been married. And yesterday I felt horrible he told me he was off so I started cooking and all that and he got home and sat on the computer, he starting text people and watching tv and he havent be at home since monday because of work he have to stay on the ship and I try to impress him and look how he react. And I night he ask me to do an oral sex so I gave him one and that it and I told him I feel weird because is sound like a booty call cause he ask me for something I do it and that it he don't hug me or kiss me or anything like that and I can't sleep after that I was crying all night and I told him and he just fall asleep so I don't know what to do anymore.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Yeah, he is young and probably not ready for a marriage and all that it takes to be a good husband and obviously doesn't care.
The fact that he stays away for extended periods of time is not good for your relationship either.
If there are no children yet, you might be best advised to divorce and cut your loses now that you are young and still have time to find someone that will be better for you.


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