# What are your boundaries?



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I see stuff all over the place here. People getting worried about spouses texting other people. People getting worried about "ladies nights". People taking vacations without their spouse. In a relationship without significant problems or reasons for suspicions, what do you consider to be reasonable boundaries?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me physically. Don't abuse me. Otherwise I'm a pretty easygoing and laid-back dude.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

We don't do opposite sex friends, don't vacation separately, don't go out partying separately, and we are completely transparent re: electronic devices and social media. We've been married 15 years, together 18, and agreed a long time ago that A) marriage means you're "one flesh" and your lives are so intertwined there's no reason for privacy and B) it's best to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FalCod said:


> I see stuff all over the place here. People getting worried about spouses texting other people. People getting worried about "ladies nights". People taking vacations without their spouse. In a relationship without significant problems or reasons for suspicions, what do you consider to be reasonable boundaries?


My boundaries are don’t give me a reason not to trust you because I won’t put up with being walked over.If I ever feel the need to check my girlfriends phone,track her car etc then I will just ask her to leave.
And she knows it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Me and my husband have never had any problems. But early on we discussed having boundaries such as not working closely and alone with a person of the opposite sex. Not making new friends with a person of the opposite sex. We also chose to be each other's best friend and view it as us against the world including any family members.

For instance I was very close to my mom but when she visited if she tried to inject her opinion into a family/marriage thing I would hold up my wedding ring and say if you don't have one of these ( mine is unique and matches my husbands) you don't get a say. I deal with my family he with his.

We have no rule against hanging with friends of the same sex but prefer each other to most others. He used to go do paintball with friends and I have coffee with friends. We don't 'enforce or manage' the other person so if I wanted to go on a girls night out he wouldn't stop me but I wouldn't go because it isn't a good idea for a happily married women to go out, and drink in place many people go to hook up or meet people.

I go gambling by myself sometimes but since it's a long drive if he isn't working he usually comes with. He doesn't gamble but we participate in each other. 

It's probably something that is terrible, or co-dependent, or some other mentally bad thing. I'm sure TAM can tell me how I need my own hobbies or its all too cling or how I should not respect him since he's not in shape and independent.

But we have been married 24 years Christmas Day. We are happy. We don't fight, we have never had issues of infidelity, we don't have secrets, we aren't passive aggressive with each other, we both have low blood pressure, and we have sex 5-9 times a week. We have been through being poor, cleaning up SO's credit from youth, death of a parent, settling the estate of a hoarder, Moving wheelchair bound mother-in-law into house, letting nephew live with us, sick mother live with us, daughters friend live with us, job changes, house changes, sick child for years, teen years, car accidents, slipped disc and more. We literally don't fight, are happy and I think boundaries as well as the general desire to have a good relationship with each other, always putting our relationship first has got us through it all.

I think for TAM I'm a bit of a unicorn. I didn't come for any marital problem. I found it searching for ways to give a better BJ and worried about ED cause we stop at 9 times a week or so because the penis stops there, oh and sex swing advice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> Me and my husband have never had any problems. But early on we discussed having boundaries such as not working closely and alone with a person of the opposite sex. Not making new friends with a person of the opposite sex. We also chose to be each other's best friend and view it as us against the world including any family members.
> 
> For instance I was very close to my mom but when she visited if she tried to inject her opinion into a family/marriage thing I would hold up my wedding ring and say if you don't have one of these ( mine is unique and matches my husbands) you don't get a say. I deal with my family he with his.
> 
> ...


That was a great move by your husband getting married on Christmas Day.He only has to buy one present!
I am joking of course and you’re post is one of the best I have read on tam.
Be careful on that swing though!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FalCod said:


> I see stuff all over the place here. People getting worried about spouses texting other people. People getting worried about "ladies nights". People taking vacations without their spouse. In a relationship without significant problems or reasons for suspicions, what do you consider to be reasonable boundaries?


OK, married over 46 years. Came very close to divorcing my wife when we had a sex starved marriage.

My advice is "boundaries" are things that are mutually discussed and if not mutually agreed upon are understood by both as to be a hard boundary of one. What that means is they must be explicitly discussed AND they must be mutually understood for a successful marriage.

The discussion could include marriage vows, sharing of expectations and dreams prior to or during marriage. The boundaries should not be hidden in the recesses of one partner's mind and sprung "out of the blue" on the other partner during some marital rough spot.

If you have not had a serious discussion with your spouse about what your marriage means to you; what is sacred in it and what would destroy it for you, I urge you to have that conversation now.

As to what are reasonable boundaries.......that is totally up to you and your wife. What might be reasonable for my marriage might not be for yours. For example, my wife has a hard boundary against giving or receiving oral sex with me. Early in our marriage we discussed and fought over this hard boundary on her part. While not happy with it, I have come to accept it as who she is. Again reasonable boundaries are specific to the two of you and what both have discussed and understood.

Luckily for me and my wife, we had that conversation with the help of a sex therapist to aid in the negotiation process when we worked at saving our marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LOL. @Andy1001 Christmas as my idea. I agree with Young at heart. Don't keep important things locked away in your mind. In 1993, when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I didn't PA hint I wanted something sparkling. I just flat out told him he could drive me to Vegas and marry me (drive from Florida LOL). 

Last time I was at work a coworker was 'hoping' she'd get her ring / proposal for Christmas. After a year + of dating. Well I can just imagine Christmas at their house if she doesn't. She'll probably be unconsciously pouty and he will be truly mystified at her mood. 

Mine may not be the most romantic but it's honest and I trust it. BTW he still doesn't have to guess what I want or surprise me. Once thanksgiving hits when we are out shopping if I want something like a roaster ( that I don't need) I just put it in the cart and say Merry Christmas to me. Honey your the best. This year I got 1/2 an EQuis from liberator as the swing didn't work out 🙀


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am married 45 years. Our boundaries are not to do anything that will make the other suspicious or place you in a situation where your inhibitions would be lowered or among people who will try to pick you up. My wife goes out 3 nights a week but it is to play bingo at a church or play cards and Mahjong at someone's house. We only associate with long married couples like us. We know that as humans we cannot help attraction and that once emotions kick in humans make bad choices. Add alcohol and you are asking for trouble. We basically do things together or with other married couples. 

We both know each other's passwords and no one gets upset if the other wants to look at a computer, iPad or iPhone. Not that we do that but I do maintain the devices in the house so I am on my wife's devices often. We also allow each other to track us via iPhone so we know where each other is at all times. My wife comes home before 10pm when she is out and does not drink at all. Her girlfriends are very religious prudes so no worries there. 

Basically we respect each other enough to avoid situations that may lead to trouble or make the other suspicious. We prefer to do things with each other most times. Do not think we are strict prudes. We engaged in groups sex with friends and shared a girlfriend for 30 years. My wife is bisexual. However, we did it together and never alone. Seems odd but it worked for us. Ethical non monogamy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For us its no socialising with a member of the opposite sex alone, so no coffees out together, no meal out etc. No texting relationship with a member of the opposite sex. 
We both do things with all male groups (him) and female groups(me). Its church stuff so not drinking or going to bars etc 
Openness and honesty in all things and also with emails, texts etc.
We have never had a holiday alone and cant see why we ever would.
Another boundary involves complete faithfulness, so no one else ever in the marriage including through porn use.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> LOL. @Andy1001 Christmas as my idea. I agree with Young at heart. Don't keep important things locked away in your mind. In 1993, when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I didn't PA hint I wanted something sparkling. I just flat out told him he could drive me to Vegas and marry me (drive from Florida LOL).
> 
> Last time I was at work a coworker was 'hoping' she'd get her ring / proposal for Christmas. After a year + of dating. Well I can just imagine Christmas at their house if she doesn't. She'll probably be unconsciously pouty and he will be truly mystified at her mood.
> 
> Mine may not be the most romantic but it's honest and I trust it. BTW he still doesn't have to guess what I want or surprise me. Once thanksgiving hits when we are out shopping if I want something like a roaster ( that I don't need) I just put it in the cart and say Merry Christmas to me. Honey your the best. This year I got 1/2 an EQuis from liberator as the swing didn't work out 🙀


I had to google equis to find out what it was.😳
When I was a few months dating my gf I got a present of some expensive champagne and me and her started drinking it one night.She got very drunk really quickly and we started talking about fantasies and hers involved a swimming pool and a jacuzzi.By the following morning she had completely forgotten the conversation.But I hadn’t.😏
I allready had a pool and a few weeks later I had a jacuzzi installed without telling her.When she stayed over the next time I brought her down to the pool and she seen the jacuzzi,I had a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket beside it.
I may have had a better night in my lifetime but I don’t remember it offhand.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I see stuff all over the place here. People getting worried about spouses texting other people. People getting worried about "ladies nights". People taking vacations without their spouse. In a relationship without significant problems or reasons for suspicions, what do you consider to be reasonable boundaries?


Talking about specific boundaries is too much time and effort, there's way too many factors, countless scenarios to consider. 

The point being that the relationships discussed on this forum are for the most part dysfunctional to say the least, and many or even most are beyond repair. 

So boundaries aren't going to be the same as they would be in a healthy, balanced relationship. 

Not even close.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Don't do anything without me that you wouldn't do when you are with me.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

FalCod said:


> I see stuff all over the place here. People getting worried about spouses texting other people. People getting worried about "ladies nights". People taking vacations without their spouse. In a relationship without significant problems or reasons for suspicions, what do you consider to be reasonable boundaries?



- Myself, I have almost no boundaries, I only expect Mrs.CuddleBug to be faithful and that's it.

- If she goes out with the girls, have fun. Restaurant, pub, house party, not a problem.

- Doesn't have to text or call me either.

- Doesn't matter if she drives a coworker to and from work.

- If she wants to go with a girlfriend on a mini weekend getaway, shopping, etc. have fun.

- Doesn't bother me if she has facebook, twitter, etc.

- Even if she flirts when going out, have a little fun, doesn't bother me.


Since she knows all of this, she's really good about it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My sexual boundaries have always been “me for you and you for me!” And no one else!

But not with another man or woman!

When I make committed vows, I fully expect to follow them to the letter and at the same time, expect my love interest to be in lock step with those wishes!

Anything done covertly without the knowledge of the other is nothing more than a gross violation of those holy vows!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Well, you answered your own question. You ask for input from people in a relationship without significant problems.
> 
> 
> But the reason there are so many people that have tight boundaries here, is that a lot of TAMers have experienced infidelity and/or divorce. That changes people and makes it harder to have trust on faith alone.
> ...


I am the same, my family and my exes family have had many divorces. My now husbands parents divorced, his own wife cheated, so I am far more aware of the need for boundaries than many who haven't got divorces in their families. I have seen what lax boundaries lead to.
My boundaries are pretty strong. I set them myself, my husband has never asked me to set them nor stop something I wanted to do. I think boundaries are so important, and the reason I have them is because I greatly value my marriage and husband. 
The workplace has become an area where many many wrong relationships begin, and most start out innocently. Boundaries help stop things from crossing the line.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

No opposite sex friendships
We will not take separate vacations
Total transparency


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> My boundaries are pretty strong. I set them myself, my husband has never asked me to set them nor stop something I wanted to do. I think boundaries are so important, and the reason I have them is because I greatly value my marriage and husband.


I like your perspective on this, @Diana7. And you raise what I think is a very important distinction: boundaries are set by yourself, for yourself. 

LIMITS are set by others, and they try to impose them upon you.

I think it is much easier to adhere to your own boundaries than it is to accept another's limits. Unless I negotiate and agree to incorporate their limits into my boundaries, I would reject someone else trying to control me that way. They can do what they want with that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Don't do anything without me that you wouldn't do when you are with me.


I think this is the best answer on the thread.Simple,straightforward and easy to comply with.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Don't do anything without me that you wouldn't do when you are with me.
> ...


Thanks. My model is based on a combination of known boundaries and trust levels. This works well for me and I would think it would work well for the wives. One caveat would be to seek permission for the rare occasions when an exception might be requested - like when my father-in-law and other male relatives wanted to take me to a strip club for a bachelor party, the night before the wedding. I called my W, gave her the proposed plan and received her OK. She showed up later with my sister, but left soon after she realized everything was cool.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too am pretty easygoing, but obviously I have my boundaries and hubby has his, lucky for us we're on the same page with them and they're pretty simple...don't lie, don't cheat, 100% transparency, don't keep things from each other, if you wouldn't do it with the other looking over your shoulder, don't do it.

Neither of us have an issue with the other catching up with their friends, we always know where the other is, who we're with and what we're doing, no need for either of us to text/call the other 500 times to "check in" (that would be a huge issue for both of us).

The one thing we have a huge issue with is my inlaws. I know I am controlling when it comes to them, and I apologised to hubby and I'm working on that but they don't make it easy. Hey, no one's perfect


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## 2become1 (Dec 26, 2017)

Never lie. Never keep any secret.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I always frame my boundaries as things I'm not willing to tolerate in a relationship, rather than things my partner cannot do. I don't care to try and control the thoughts or actions of another adult. So, anyone is entirely free to lie, cheat, flirt, act as shady as they'd like. My boundaries, though, mean that I won't remain in a relationship with someone who's doing those things. As I told my now-ex-husband, I am not willing to be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust. He was patently untrustworthy. So I left. I did not try to police his actions, control his thoughts or behaviors, convince him to change, or otherwise stop him from doing things that I found untrustworthy. I simply filed for divorce, bought a new house and moved myself and our son into it, with a more-than-fair and equitable distribution of both custody and joint assets. He's still happily being untrustworthy - to his new wife. I'm, happily, not dealing with his shady behavior. No one had to change, no one got "told what to do". We simply had different boundaries for what is okay in a marriage, so we stopped being married.

My boundaries include such basics as: I won't tolerate disrespect, including infidelity, dishonesty, or untrustworthiness. I won't tolerate abuse of any kind. 

If whatever my partner wants to get up to fits within that framework, then we're good. If it doesn't, and we cannot discuss it to a mutually satisfactory resolution, then the two of us are incompatible and would be happier apart.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

We have mutual boundaries that we respect with each other. No opposite friends calling or texting or messaging or communicating. We travel together unless it is just business and even then we invite one another and 3/4 of the time the other spouse ends up traveling along. We like doing that a lot. Makes a business trip into a mini vacation. She only wears some blouses or dresses when I am with her, she does not go out without me looking “sexy” on purpose. We have full access to each other’s bank accounts, phones and iPads and social media and email, etc. she is a jealous woman and I am a jealous man, she is mine and I am hers and we are trusting but with some playful but very real checking up on one another. For her, No dance clubs, no strip clubs, no bars at all. 
I go to bars with clients once in a while but I tell her and have taken her to these upscale really nice bars. 
Before we married she had male friends who would call her and invite her out, not dates but to hang out or do things in a group. Of course I know how guys think and I told her I did not like her talking with other guys or making plans with them. She did not get it, she said they were only friends and she had no interest in them. I tried to explain that they likely just wanted to try and have sex with her. She said no they are just friends and I am not attracted to them. She could not understand how a mans mind worked. I figured I would explain it in a way she could understand.

I put it to her this way, you are a very pretty girl, whatever another guy does or says to you, calls you, talks to you or offers or gives you anything just imagine me doing that very same thing to another pretty girl. I said in her mind, to put me in the role of the guy friend and another pretty girl in your role. 
She learned quickly. She stopped accepting phone calls when she was still living at home with her parents from other guys, because she knew how she would have felt if I were calling another pretty girl. 
Over time she would get angry at other men who complimented her or asked her for her phone number. She would be visibly upset if another man made eyes at her or tried flirting with her. She pictures me doing that to another pretty woman and it upsets her. I chuckle to myself when I have seen men look at her or smile at her in public just to have her scowl at them, or her give them an audible angry sigh like “ughhhhhh”.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Don't need them. There's no way she would be able to get into a relationship with anybody else. She has from time to time tried some harmless things to make me jealous (I suppose to affirm her worth to me) but it was more humorous to me than anything.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ghost Rider said:


> Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me physically. Don't abuse me. Otherwise I'm a pretty easygoing and laid-back dude.


This, and I'll add to be responsible financially.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

For me I don’t have much rules. I feel that if someone wants to cheat then it’s not like I can control all his actions 24/7 that makes it safe or fine anyways. But I need respect and won’t tolerate shady actions.

My husband is trustworthy in terms of feelings and honor. I trust him if he hangs out with female coworkers or friends, thought he doesn’t really do so. He also trusts me when I hang out with male coworkers, but usually it’s just lunch or talking at work anyways.

We trust each other passwords for devices because it’s convenient, but none of us really checks if the other is having shady stuffs.
But if he ever feels insecure then I would like him to talk to me if he checks my devices.

Needing to worry about cheating seems too tiresome after a while. We trust each other to be honest.


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