# Divorcing and Devastated



## Btreyed (Feb 4, 2016)

I'm not sure how to do this so I will be brief. I am newly separated, and have filed for divorce. My husband has had many affairs and we have separated many times. 

I do not know how to deal with the intolerable pain and anguish. It is all I can do to function from moment to moment. 

I don't know how to survive this. Yes, I do still love him. I don't know why, given all the cruelty I have endured. Maybe I just love an illusion that he creates to reel me back in, only to go back to the same emotionally abusive, affair seeking person he really is. 

That's the short version. 

Any tips on how to survive this devastation are appreciated.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

When I left my ex for cheating and other things, I went to see my doctor and got some xanax. While it did not take away the pain it did help me get through the day a little easier.

I know it is hard to leave considering you still love him, but what I did was just remember all the terrible things he did and that gave me the strength to move forward with my own life.


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## Btreyed (Feb 4, 2016)

After 25 years of marriage, all my hopes and dreams are shattered. The children are grown. I built my life around our family. Now it is all gone. Vanished. As though it never existed. I feel such incredible grief I find it hard to eat, sleep, bathe, just all the ordinary tasks that most take for granted.

How do you move on at this late stage in life. I am about to be 50. I do not know how to live alone. 

I do not know how I am ever going to make it through this or how I even found the strength to file for divorce. 

And then there's the fact that I may have to leave my marital home after all these years. No one knows what a judge will decide. 

I cannot cope. I did go to my doctor and was given Xanax as well. It just makes me sleep. The emotional pain just won't stop. All I do is cry. 

I don't know how people do this.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

There is no easy way to get over the pain, after someone you have loved and giving full trust betrays you. It does take time and at first it takes getting through hour by hour but as each day goes by you will start to feel better about yourself and see that you can get over this mountain. 

I was scared of the unknown too we all are, just take deep breaths and focus on what you need to do for yourself now. Once I was past the hopeless crying stage, I was able to see a new future for myself.

I'm so sorry you are here, I'm sure some other people will chime in to give you some great advice.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I know this is not easy to believe, but you will find peace when you are no longer being lied to and cheated on.

It's better to be by yourself than to be hurt in that way.

You will get through it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

B, I was married 45 years when I divorced my husband. I had never lived alone or been responsible solely for myself. But I decided I wouldn't spend what's left of my life in that situation. So against everyone's advice, I got out. Yes, it was a major adjustment but I have the peace I was searching for. My only regret is that I didn't get out 30 years ago when the cheating began but I didn't want my child to have to deal with divorced parents so I pushed it off. I shouldn't have. 

My advice? Don't let a cheating husband define who you are. Believe in yourself. The rest of your life is waiting. Make it count.


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

Btreyed said:


> After 25 years of marriage, all my hopes and dreams are shattered. The children are grown. I built my life around our family. Now it is all gone. Vanished. As though it never existed. I feel such incredible grief I find it hard to eat, sleep, bathe, just all the ordinary tasks that most take for granted.
> 
> How do you move on at this late stage in life. I am about to be 50. I do not know how to live alone.
> 
> ...


_You can cope_, you will make it through and you will smile again. How long has it been since you filed? Is your husband still living in the house with you? Where are the children living? Do you work?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

One step at a time. You are dealing with loss of your dreams and three types of uncertainty. First what if you will ever have a healthy relationship with a man in the future, how to avoid be using again and financial. 

Do what you can do today, consider and ponder the others after doing what can be done. 

Have you seen a lawyer to discuss what you can expect from the asset division, what, if any alimony, and how to protect them. Do not let him play games with you. I am sure he wants to be fair with you, BUT USING ONLY HIS DEFINITION OF FAIR. Remember his cheating while not nice to you, was understandable and somewhat fair to him. 

Harsh truth, while the divorce laws seem in theory (not often in fact) seem anti-men, there is a hood reason for this. Far to often the divorce was very unfair to women. 

YOU, also need to speak with several realtors to make sure of the true value of the home. Why not start a list here to get advise and get posters to generate other ideas of what needs to be done.


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi B. I can really relate to you on this…. 
I'm in a very similar position, except on the guy side of the coin  I've also been married for 25 years and found out two 2yrs ago I was being cheated on. We tried (well I tried) to save it by doing many things differently but we eventually separated on the 28Dec last year. And like you, for some strange reason... I still miss her, I say ‘miss’ now, not ‘love’ simply because if I really look at the reality of the situation, I shouldn't love her because of what she's done to me, and you should be thinking the same. And that the reality of the situation is starting to sink in now which heps.
It's not easy... i don't know how long you've been separated now, but for me it's just over a month, and I'm simply taking it day by day now, trying to keep myself busy with work and other things which I find takes my mind off things. I really feel for you, it's devastating and I find I’m constantly telling myself to cheer up!!! But it's still very very hard.

So here's what I've done... Firstly, I keep telling myself to accept the situation. If the other person cheated there was no love, because if there was, the cheating wouldn't have happened in the first place. I reassure myself it's not me who's done wrong in the relationship, it's them. And I keep reminding myself any future alone will be better than staying in a relationship where you’re not loved as you love them. And that I'm the better person in this whole mess. And these simple reminders are helping me when I feel down.

Please keep in contact because I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way. And if we can go through this painful period with someone in a similar position who understands, it a great help.

Keep smiling! You’re the better half  Remember that!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. After being married for that long, I can imagine it is hard to adjust to living alone. Just remember that you create your own happiness and don’t rely on others to make you happy. He could not stay committed to you and had a lot of outside marital affairs that was not fair to you. I know it hurts, but it is better to walk away and not put up with that behavior. In the end, you will be happier loving the good in the man you were married to instead of still being married to someone who hurts you constantly.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@EleGirl I have noticed gives great pratical advise. But of your new life is you have to learn to be pro-active and actually get to be pro-active without your ex second guessing and demeaning. So be pro-active and reach out to Elegirl.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Btreyed,

Sorry you were betrayed repeatedly.

Do your children know about your H's affairs, they should, because you need to be able to tell your story. Many time betrayed spoues just go away quietly with no support or love.

Did you ever expose your H's affairs please do the other betrayed spouses a favor and do so.

Tamat


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

How do you walk through the pain??

Daily. Don't judge your emotions. They are neither bad or good. Talk about your feelings to TAM, friends, family, a counselor, a minister, a support group. Write in a journal...process your thoughts and feelings.

I divorced after 25 years. Devastating. The fear is there. I felt to old to do many things. I wasn't but that was fear talking. I took care of myself. I know that I deserved it. I am an awesome person.

I dated my now husband for 3 years and then married. Now, I am divorcing again. What? He's an addict that relapsed. I never would have thought my life would look like this....Devastated again but it's different. I know I will be ok. I know I am still awesome. 

Time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What we who are reluctant to say "Goodbye" to a spouse are in love with is not necessarily them as much as it is the love that we shared with them in happier times!

And we just don't want to let those "memories" go, despite the fact that our "beloved" may have cheated, or are actively cheating on us!

I should know! I loved both my first W as well as my RSXW beyond measure! But when the stark reality set in and I saw the compelling evidence of their infidelity as well as their distance from what I thought was a loving, caring marriage, when in reality, it was nothing more than a sham of them taking their "love" to some absolute uncaring stranger whose care absolutely started and stopped with them having access to a nice place for their occasional needs for their prurient sexual release! The OM didn't give a tinkers damn if either of my W's were married; their concern was covertly shacking up and "getting off" together with no regard to my W's family or even their own! Their sole allegiance was to use them to acquire an erection with orgasmic ends!

Once that sad fact finally sank in, and despite the fact that I felt mortally wounded, it was much easier for me to let go of that former unrequited love with them and to see that I had to move on to regain some semblance of my sanity!

Now my biggest problem is largely trying to regain my trust in another woman who I might choose to fall in love with! If that ever comes to fruition, that is!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## memorylanee12ln (Dec 26, 2015)

I can truly relate to the pain you are going through. Where is the sincerity & commitment in marriage anymore ? I am glad i am reading all your comments. It makes me think i can get through this. It is very painful. 

Sent from my SM-A800F using Tapatalk


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Btreyed said:


> I'm not sure how to do this so I will be brief. I am newly separated, and have filed for divorce. My husband has had many affairs and we have separated many times.
> 
> I do not know how to deal with the intolerable pain and anguish. It is all I can do to function from moment to moment.
> 
> ...


Hold on. With time - a lot of time - the pain will lessen and you will have your life back again. Develop a daily routine and you will adjust to your new reality soon enough...

I also still love my husband and DAILY second/triple-guess my decision to divorce. But I know nothing will improve if he comes back, and I wasn't able to accept the way things were. So I accept my fate and keep this course, knowing one day I will be OK again.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I was so glad to be free of my cheater husband - don't miss that lonely life at all. 

I have no money, a small apartment, I'm handicapped,....BUT I'M FREE!! 

Free from being lied to, free from walking on eggshells, free from possible STD's, free from a narcassist **shole who did not love me. He loved the outward appearance of his nice home and family so he could look like a good guy. Meanwhile, I was left holding the bag with the household chores, the kids, all the family activities....Yes, I do not miss any of it. 

You are mourning a life you thought you had, mourning the ultimate betrayal, mourning the slow death of a marriage. 

I'm 50 too. There is no time table to slog through the manure pile of divorce but the other side can be very empowering. You can do much more than you think you can because most likely, you have been doing most, if not all of it, by yourself anyway. 

Surround yourself with ONLY helpful and supportive people. Don't be forced to eat any more s**t sandwiches. You're full!!

Cut your Xanax in half so you're not too whacked out and go get a pit-bull lawyer. Don't let your husband smell any fear on you. He's the one who's afraid right now. 

He is not worried because you have taken him back time-and-time-and-time again. When he sees you mean business, the sad face will come calling....sigh.... SCREW THAT. Find your power and take back your life! 

The only way to get away from this hold he has on you is to quit cold turkey. Ignore him at all costs. Don't talk to him. Talk to a lawyer and have the lawyer handle your dealings with your husband. 

Grief is totally normal. So is anger. Stay in your Jammie's, eat your ice cream......but take some steps to seperate your life from his. A good therapist sounds in order. A good self-help book. Read some stories on here how others have coped and come out stronger - Everyone does, it just takes time. 

Please don't think your life is over at 50. Think of all the things you can do while you're NOT taking his bullsh!t!!

Bye bye, cheater.....HELLO GOOD LIFE!!

(((HUGS)))!!


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Hang in there Btreyed. So many on this forum have "been there, done that"… me included! I have a few things to share that helped me, but first and foremost, a warning about the xanax…..
I have chronic panic disorder and have had for years, since my mid-twenties. So I have learned a lot about any of those medications, largely through trial and error. I am hoping that once I get through mid-life, I won't need them anymore, as my condition is exacerbated by hormones… And a cheating, lying-a$$ed husband. More on that in a minute..

Xanax is one of the popular quick fixes to stem anxiety when it's to a point it's controlling your life. It won't fix it or help it, only reduce it enough to sleep. There are others in that class of drugs and everybody reacts differently to them. They are addictive and you build up tolerance to them, so be very careful about taking them on a regular schedule… ONLY take it if you absolutely need to! If you find you can't function without it, then you need to go back to your doctor and discuss other medications and alternative methods of reducing stress. There are other drugs like the SSRI's like Zoloft, that can help reduce anxiety as well, and can be better for you to try if you are developing a decency on xanax. Also with the SSRI's, there are many different and every person reacts a little different on them. I found out the hard way that I CANNOT take Prozac. My doctor said they were all the same and it was me, not the drug. I ended up with another doctor and now have prozac listed as an "allergy" for medications I can't take. There are also slightly different ones that are SSRI's as well. Having an informed discussion with your doctor is good. If they don't want to discuss ways to help you and just want to throw a pill at you, get a different doctor. Pills really only help in the crisis of the moment, but long term, you have to find multiple ways to cope.

Exercise is nearly as effective at reducing stress as many things. It sounds cliche, but many people overlook that. Just walking for a half hour during the day can do a lot. I have found through all the things I have tried to cut anxiety and panic attacks, walking is the absolute best for me. I do still take medication and have the xanax or ativan on hand ( I prefer ativan over xanax because I don't feel so dopey drugged-out like the xanax does to me… everybody is different and each of those drugs makes you feel a little different, so pay attention and ask your doctor any questions. There are other choices, which sometimes doctors neglect to tell you or even bother to look into. Some have a go-to drug and leave it at that.)

Most professionals should also recommend counseling along with drugs when you are experiencing extreme stress. I tried counseling but in the end, it didn't do much for me. My I just have a genetic pre-disposition to panic disorder (my mother had something similar). No specific triggers, no change of routine, nothing could change it… except that stress from daily life would make me more prone to attacks. That can even be good stress, like anticipating a trip, etc. However, learning of infidelity and my world being shattered by my POS husband turned me inside out. 

I have been married for 20 years, together for 24. I have been a SAHM by mutual decision for the last 15, although I did work on the family farm for a while. When we were married only 5 years (lived together for 4 years before that), with a 4 and 2 year old, I was hit by his infidelity and shocked. We ended up staying together. Part of me wishes now that I had called it quits then. But I also couldn't bear the thought of a possible step mom of my girls, and I thought I still loved him too. We did have some good years in the middle and raised two well-adjusted kids. But then a few years ago, I had a cancer scare and after I was declared cancer free after two years, he cheated and developed a relationship with another… much younger woman. In hindsight, I also know there was at least one other woman back when he first cheated, so I suspect there have been others too. He brought home an STD once back then, and I never fully trusted again. So this time when he cheated, I also felt RELIEF that we were finally pulling the plug. No more worrying about AIDS, hepatitis, stalker girlfriends, and mostly worrying about my kids. I still get freaked out over where I'll be a couple years from now, but I know I can do it! I have a VERY good lawyer who has been helping me every step. We have been living apart mostly (he stays at the house when he comes to visit the girls) and are now in the process of the actual divorce proceedings. Two years ago I was upside down with worry about what to do and where to go. It takes time and a methodical approach. I also now have instituted a rule for myself, and I give myself certain days off where I swear I will NOT think about this mess, but try to do something totally for my own stress relief. Be that going to a movie with a friend, just staying at home with a book or knitting, or going for a long walk … I take a mental holiday two days a week. 

Another thing I found very helpful was getting into group that met regularly at the local YMCA…. It was actually a Livestrong program for cancer survivors to strengthen and heal through exercise. That was awesome! I found that there are so many out there like me… 50 and divorcing amidst all the other crap that comes along with midlife. That was very supportive and helpful. It was a real crutch for me for awhile. Also, this forum alone is good for getting some reality checks (there are a few on here who might criticize and be negative with your posts… if so, don't be afraid to just block them from seeing your posts or responding… I had to do that). I have made a real friendship through this website too, and still communicate with another TAM member. That has been an awesome support through all this crap. Sometimes just simply sharing and sympathizing with another can do a LOT for your own sanity. 

I wish you luck. I will be following your thread so keep posting updates. I ended up deleting some of my old threads, which to me was a way of moving on and erasing the negativity I was feeling. So it truly does get better with time!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Betrayed, you should not be so hard on yourself, you are going through a huge trauma, the very person who was supposed to love you till 'death do us part' has betrayed you not once but many times. 
You have to go through the grief and the mourning of the marriage, it is a normal process, it is like the death of a loved one. I would suggest you get counselling to help you process all the emotions of anger, grief and isolation. You cannot sweep them aside with medication, you have to go through and will be better for it on the other side.
It may sound superficial now but now things are very raw, but time will help you heal and a few years from now, yes there will be some emotion but you will be in a much better place.
Get yourself into a divorce support group, where like minded individuals are going through the same thing.
Make the effort to get out and about and be around others, do not wallow at home

Do you work? Do you have any hobbies?

Sorry you are in this place but you did the right thing in filing. Don't you know 50 is the 40, you can have a great life ahead, don't let the past rob you of it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Btreyed said:


> I don't know how to survive this.
> Yes, actually you do. you provide the answer later in this quote
> Yes, I do still love him.
> You probably always will and there is nothing wrong with that.
> ...


One other thing I would caution - use the xanax at your own peril. Masking the pain, while a great short term relief, prevents you from actually dealing with the pain and growing from it. I went thru a similar thing myself. I realized I would never recover as long as I could just escape from the pain by taking a pill, drinking a few drinks, smoking some weed or any number of other means of coping. The pain is really there for your benefit. It is the material of the lesson you need to learn from this experience. Embrace it. Use it to make you stronger. Use it to make you a better you. In the end, you will look back and KNOW if you can make it thru that, you can make it thru anything!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I cannot give you much advice accept that I am going through the same thing and I just take it one day at a time. I look at this woman, who I gave my very heart and soul to, and try to cope with her apathy. She has stated that she loves me but she isn't "in love" with me, she magically "loves" her f***buddy. All I can do is take comfort in the knowledge that I loved her well, that I supported her, stood by her, cried with her-hell, held her hair when she puked! I am no longer what she wants, too bad-her loss. And the same goes for him! You are too fantastic to worry about it!


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## memorylanee12ln (Dec 26, 2015)

Btreyed,
I am 62. Estranged H is 66. Married for 28 yrs. He found a 24 year old woman and they had been cohabitating for almost two years now. It still pains me to this moment. I truly feel your pains. Like you, i am not sure anymore if there's another life for me after this. To cope everyday, i repeatedly say to myself that he is not worth my time. And i begin to think and envision the many hurtful acts he'd done to me and to the marriage. For some reason, it eases up the pain and i feel an assurance that i am doing the right thing to stay alone. 
It is still hard for me, i must accept that. But i read in some posts here that i am responsible for my own happiness. You can never imagine how powerful those words are to me.
I think, for whatever reason, we are going to hurt for awhile ; (truly, i am very lonely living alone), but i try to keep my sanity by thinking that this too shall pass. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS.
And i keep telling myself that, if i get through this, i can have my full circle of happiness back again. Betreyed, i am so thankful that i found this site when i needed it most. The posters here is really helping me tremendously. 
I wish i can say more about how we can get through this to help you. But i am still in the same rut. 
Just hang in there, Btreyed, this too shall pass.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Btreyed said:


> After 25 years of marriage, all my hopes and dreams are shattered. The children are grown. I built my life around our family. Now it is all gone. Vanished. As though it never existed. I feel such incredible grief I find it hard to eat, sleep, bathe, just all the ordinary tasks that most take for granted.
> 
> How do you move on at this late stage in life. I am about to be 50. I do not know how to live alone.
> 
> ...


Earlier I said I couldn't tell you anything. Things change, I learned to take it one day at a time. I am in the same boat you are, devastated and lost, then I started that 180 thing and it really helps. Just being in this forum helped a LOT.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My first husband cheated on me. He would hug me, kiss me, tell me how much he appreciated me (even when he was having these affairs I would later find out). We could talk about anything. He then went into what I thought was a depression, did not want to work, layed on the couch and watched TV, would not care for the kids. I would get very upset. I was the one trying to do it all, including work and he simply was not pulling his weight. He became very demanding, expecting sex and when he didn't get it he would throw a physical tantrum and tell me he would find it elsewhere and leave. Little did I know he was already wrapped up in an affair and this one was different from the other girls, he had fallen in love.

When I found out it was like a bomb went off in my stomach, it was the worst feeling. I could not sleep, I could not eat, I was a mess. I was furious, I was hurt, I knew what he was doing yet I still loved him and I wanted him back in my life. I started seeing a counselor but I tell you I am not sure I even heard what she said. I had the hardest time wrapping my mind around this man I loved no longer wanting to be married and was saying he loved this older women and wanted to marry her. She was 15 years old, heavy, smoked, was not pretty (everything he said he didn't like) and he was going to throw away his marriage and leave his children to help raise her 3?

The affair didn't last, he cheated on her too. He didn't want to work and she was used to living comfortably. He quickly took up with another woman, 7-8 years younger. I thought I was still in love (this is 2 years later). He comes into the house where we lived together and he is looking at our bed saying "we sure had alot of fun in that bed." Kind of made me sick after all we had been thru then before he leave (like 45 minutes later) he tells me he needs to go, his girlfriend is in the car waiting.I realized that he was doing to her what he had done to me and at that point I was able to let go.

People like this don't change and while this is hard for you to go thru count your lucky stars.

I wrote out the serenity poem from the Bible and placed it on the fridg so I could read it every time I passed. i surrounded myself with my support team, my family, and friends. I concentrated on my kids, my house and my work. I had been doing some remodel work to the house and found it really helped me to take my mind off thing to do this work.

Most of all do not blame yourself for your husband's actions. Only he is responsible for his choices.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You married a serial cheater. Your relationship was doomed because he was not long term relationship material. 

Why you kept hanging on to ground zero is something you will need professional help to figure out. 

Be patient with yourself. You are finally out of that deep dark hole you placed yourself in for so long. 

Is it any wonder you feel the way you do? Seek help with meds, therapy, but most of all family and friends that truly care about YOU!

Time, lots of it will help you through. It will be a slow process just like it was a slow process to get to this point. Take it one minute at a time, slowly but surely, you will eventually take it in hour at a time. Baby steps, but now you are heading in the right direction. 

That is a huge thing for you as you will no longer be in that dark awful place. Your life will be a free living life! And yes, eventually a happy, fulfilling life as well


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

I totally understand what you are going through. The shear enormity of the pain is overwhelming. I looked everywhere for what I considered a magic pill to make it stop, I am sure that you have discovered, like me, that no such thing exists. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in the immense sadness of it all but one thing I can say is that I am finally seeing glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally, although small, starting to believe that my life isn't over and I won't suffer like this forever.
I am still so angry and confused. How could someone I have been married to for so long and shared so much with change so drastically so quickly? I don't even know who he is. I don't feel like I can trust him, or believe anything that he says at this point. I am just trying to get my ducks in a row and play nice so that I can get the divorce over with and take care of my son.
He takes no responsibility for his actions or behavior. He says he feels bad but I don't see it...actions speak louder than words. If he feels so bad then why isn't he as devastated as I am? Why is he so quick to act like we are divorced already even though we are still having to live in the same house? I hate him.
What I am trying to do for my own sanity though is trying every minute of everyday to remind myself that I am not to blame. That I do not deserve this, that I am unworthy of this treatment, and that he made these choices I didn't. I did everything I could to keep my family together and he is the one who is going to miss out. I can't wait until he moves out...hopefully this will happen by May. I don't need or want his ridiculousness in my life anymore! Hang in there.


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## Mjg1962 (Apr 1, 2016)

WhyMe66 said:


> Earlier I said I couldn't tell you anything. Things change, I learned to take it one day at a time. I am in the same boat you are, devastated and lost, then I started that 180 thing and it really helps. Just being in this forum helped a LOT.




I so relate to your pain I two have been married for 25 yrs... I've been in this hell for a year. He asked me for the divorce but doesn't have the funds to go thru with it and hear we are still living together..., I simply don't know what to do


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Mjg1962 said:


> I so relate to your pain I two have been married for 25 yrs... I've been in this hell for a year. He asked me for the divorce but doesn't have the funds to go thru with it and hear we are still living together..., I simply don't know what to do


Well, if you think things are beyond repair, as my STBXWW thinks, then you can do the divorce yourself. In Texas the forms are online, just download and print. I learned that from her... No lawyers just the filing fees. Messed her plans up when she asked me to sign the waiver of service so that I don't have a Deputy Constable showing up and serving me at work. I didn't mind but I crossed out the one section I was supposed to sign as respondent saying "I ask for this." No I don't. That form is now sitting on the dining room table getting dusty.


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