# I just can't breathe anymore. Please help



## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

I need advice. 
In 2009 my Wife cheated on me an I caught her. She didn't show any remorse aside from getting caught and I still am tortured by it every day.

I think she stopped since then and I am confident she did but she reads erotica every time I am not around. All types of things I let her know I'm uncomfortable with that and she still reads at least 15 books a week.

I never cheated on anyone. 

When she was cheating she exercised and lost so much weight that it was actually what started me thinking she was cheating and I was right.
Since then she gained all the weight back.
I'm physically fit and can just tell how women see me but I never considered cheating. 
I just can't take it anymore. I know it sounds crazy to stress over books and cheating over a decade ago but I can't get passed it.
I had to get on a medication called xanax that I am trying to get off and I am not successful yet.

She gets me the medication. She does all the errands but that's all she does.

She overspends, read erotica of all types and is a good person at heart but I just can't do it.

For all the books she reads she never initiates sex. When we do has sex she enjoys it but wants to rush. We are 46 and 45 years old with a 16 year old Daughter. 
I can't live without the xanax meaning if she leaves I can't get it. That and my Daughter are the reason I stay with her.

I think I can do the errands, I'm certainly a manly man and she's aware of that but still reads these age gap, bbw, mountain man, bearded cowboy boots no matter how much she knows it hurts.

I can't Even look at pirn because I try to save it for her but she rushes and it's not attractive to me. I haven't started looking. I'm not sure I want anything at this point. 

Long story short. Is xanax and my child reason enough to suffer?

I live in Florida and am caretaker and durable POA for my stepfather who is in a nursing home and ultimately will inherent a 500k home here and all his belongings. 

She is named in the will but only if I die first. I'm not worried about that and know how to protect it.

I have a lot of resources that can't be proven so I'm not worried about her tak8ng half of that. 
Truth is, I'm unemployed on paper right now and she gets an income from disability. 

I don't want any of her income and she has no money to be able to fight me in court or way to prove I have any money.
I Love her but I'm not in Love.

What should I do? Please help. Be honest please. 

Dan


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Why can't you go to a clinic and get yourself an Rx for xanax, then go to a pharmacy and pick it up?

By the way there are other anti anxiety meds that are probably better than the short acting xanax which is not mean to be taken for a long time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

benz699 said:


> In 2009 my Wife cheated on me an I caught her. She didn't show any remorse aside from getting caught and I still am tortured by it every day.


The above is the crux of your problems. You were weak enough and had little self respect that you let pass, and rug-swept it, hence, your daily constant stress for over 10 years.

You accept it it, and kept accepting her behavior towards the relationship, and now, you still don't know what should you do?

If, as you say, you have to resort to drugs to calm your anxiety, then why haven't you just dumped her?, why are you still with her if as you say, you can cut her, and not give her much since you have "non provable assets". 

I think that what your are missing is your gonads, re-attach them, and have the fortitude, self respect, and courage to do that which you think is what you want to do. Otherwise, forget all about it, if you are not going to do anything other tan to vent.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

A manly man can get his own Xanax…. and do errands.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Honestly... find yourself a meditation center and start looking within at these fears that are causing this anxiety.

Two things will take a person out at the knees... desire and fear.

Once you begin to rebuild faith in yourself, life will begin to look beneficially different.


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

I appreciate all of this and will reply. She just came home and I told her.


Mr.Married said:


> A manly man can get his own Xanax…. and do errands.


I've been trying so hard. I started in 2015 when my Mom passed and was up to 12 mg a day. Since moving to Florida I cut it to about 4mg a day. It's so hard.


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

Trident said:


> Why can't you go to a clinic and get yourself an Rx for xanax, then go to a pharmacy and pick it up?
> 
> By the way there are other anti anxiety meds that are probably better than the short acting xanax which is not mean to be taken for a long time.


I've been taking it for 7 years. I'm going yo ask my doctor Wednesday for help. I developed Ramsay Hunt from the stress.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, get off Xanax.
It causes foggy thinking, sleepiness, being forgetful, loss of interest in most everything, etc.

Explain to a doctor that you have been subscribed Xanax for 7 years, are down to 4mg per day, and want to get off of it.

Is your wife an MD? or prescribing Physician Asst, or Cert. Nurse Practitioner?
She is not the only person who can prescribe this.

Bring your old prescription bottle in for the doctor, in case he wants to see you are telling the truth.

It is very dangerous to go _cold turkey_ on many Psych. meds.
Do this under a doctors supervision.

Some suggestions:

a) Try Kava, or Passion Flower, both, herbal remedies.
b) Meditation
c) Yoga
d) Cognitive behavioral therapy
e) L-Lysine with L-Arginine (2.6 gms daily) .to relieve stress, via cortisol reduction.
f) Get plenty of sleep, exercise and eat properly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

benz699 said:


> I've been taking it for 7 years. I'm going yo ask my doctor Wednesday for help. I developed Ramsay Hunt from the stress.


Sorry for your condition.

Ramsay Hunt syndrome can occur in anyone who has had chickenpox. 
It has similar conditions as shingles.

It affects the facial nerve near your ear. It can cause a drooping face and eyelid and cause a rash.

I presume your doctor prescribed some anti-viral and some pain med?


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

She desires to be lost in fantasy. These books are porn for women. It is about fictionalized romantic love and Eros. No real man/husband can compete with these fictional characters, anymore e than a wife could compete with the fictional women in porn. 

Obviously, we only know what you have said. I know for me, if my wife had a sexual affair, there would be maybe a 1% chance I would forgive and stay. She would have to have been remorseful, do the work to make me feel safe in the marriage and walk a thin line.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You haven't answered why you can't get your own Xanax. Are you using her prescription? Is it being obtained legally? Are you abusing it?

Xanax is addictive. A family members of mine struggled with it.

Do you work?

What did your wife’s cheating entail and how did you find out?

A lot more details are needed here


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry for your condition.
> 
> Ramsay Hunt syndrome can occur in anyone who has had chickenpox.
> It has similar conditions as shingles.
> ...


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> You haven't answered why you can't get your own Xanax. Are you using her prescription? Is it being obtained legally? Are you abusing it?
> 
> Xanax is addictive. A family members of mine struggled with it.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I'm using hers. She gets it for me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you're addicted to benzos. Not easy to kick that habit. (Ask me how I know.) And it's not even YOUR prescription. I question what sort of doctor prescribes this dosage for this amount of time. All the docs I deal with nowadays only prescribe this class of medication for short-term.

We still don't know:

(1) Why you cannot get your own medication, and,

(2) Whether or not you are employed.

Like to answer?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> So you're addicted to benzos. Not easy to kick that habit. (Ask me how I know.) And it's not even YOUR prescription. I question what sort of doctor prescribes this dosage for this amount of time. All the docs I deal with nowadays only prescribe this class of medication for short-term.
> 
> We still don't know:
> 
> ...


I totally agree. My exH’s PCP got him hooked him on Xanax to treat anxiety. My understanding was that it’s intended to be a short-term drug and when that wasn’t corrected by his PCP I suggested he see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist strongly disagreed that he should have been on it in the first place and especially that long. He (psychiatrist) felt that other doctors didn’t know what they were doing when they prescribed benzos like they were candy and I can’t disagree. My exH was never able to get off it although he would carefully titrate it down over and over. It’s a highly addictive drug when taken long-term.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

benz699 said:


> I need advice.
> In 2009 my Wife cheated on me and I caught her. She didn't show any remorse aside from getting caught and I still am tortured by it every day.


Regret means she wishes she hadn't done it. Remorse means she regrets having done it because of how it hurt you. It sounds like she has regret but not remorse.



> I think she stopped since then and I am confident she did but she reads erotica every time I am not around. All types of things I let her know I'm uncomfortable with that and she still reads at least 15 books a week.


Women reading erotica or romance novels is similar to men looking at pr0n. I don't think it suggests that she's likely to cheat on you.



> I know it sounds crazy to stress over books and cheating over a decade ago but I can't get passed it. I had to get on a medication called xanax that I am trying to get off and I am not successful yet. She gets me the medication. She does all the errands but that's all she does. She overspends, read erotica of all types and is a good person at heart but I just can't do it.


If she doesn't work, she needs to get a job. Running errands and being a SAHM of a single 16 yo kid doesn't make sense to me. She's must be bored out of her mind. Even if she's disabled she can probably find "work" under the table....



> For all the books she reads she never initiates sex. When we do has sex she enjoys it but wants to rush.... I can't Even look at pirn because I try to save it for her but she rushes and it's not attractive to me. I haven't started looking. I'm not sure I want anything at this point.


Have you told her that you'd like her to initiate sex sometimes? That you wish that she didn't try to rush through sex? Have you tried role playing based on some of those stories or maybe one of you reading an erotic story to the other?



> Long story short. Is xanax and my child reason enough to suffer?


No, they are not. You won't lose your 16 yo daughter if you were to divorce. And you can see a doctor and get your own prescriptions. If you are poor, you can get Medicaid.



> I have a lot of resources that can't be proven so I'm not worried about her taking half of that. Truth is, I'm unemployed on paper right now and she gets an income from disability. I don't want any of her income and she has no money to be able to fight me in court or way to prove I have any money.


If she knows about your resources, she might be able to prove them. Her divorce attorney can get a "forensic accountant" to find your money. And her attorney might work on a contingency basis, knowing that he will prove your income and assets and make you pay for the forensic accountant's fees and everything.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

There are plenty of guys who realized years later that they never got over their wife's affair, and decided to D. Look up Waitedwaytoolong over on SI... You've gone longer than most, but there is no statute of limitations on this stuff, and you can decide to D for her infidelity any time you want.

Obviously get yourself to a doctor and get the correct meds prescribed for you, quit taking hers. Get a good divorce attorney and plan your exit. Don't feel bad for her, this is the chance she took when she decided to step out on your marriage, and subsequently decided fantasy land was more desirable than you. Good luck.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Divorce the horrid c


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

benz699 said:


> I need advice.
> In 2009 my Wife cheated on me an I caught her. She didn't show any remorse aside from getting caught and I still am tortured by it every day.
> 
> I think she stopped since then and I am confident she did but she reads erotica every time I am not around. All types of things I let her know I'm uncomfortable with that and she still reads at least 15 books a week.
> ...


When your wife first cheated not only did she become soiled, she also soiled the marriage.
Once a wife cheats it means she`s already mentally checked out from the marriage, you`ll always have trust issues and insecurities while you remain with her. Creating this post almost 14 years later proves my point.
You should have filed for divorce back in 2009 and now you must decide your way forward because there is no way your marriage can revert back to how it was prior to your wife`s cheating.
Think about it.


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> So you're addicted to benzos. Not easy to kick that habit. (Ask me how I know.) And it's not even YOUR prescription. I question what sort of doctor prescribes this dosage for this amount of time. All the docs I deal with nowadays only prescribe this class of medication for short-term.
> 
> We still don't know:
> 
> ...


I'm retired. When we lived in NYC it was so stressful because I was a contractor traveling all over the city sometimes 7 days a week. 

We were both getting the prescription. I was taking hers and mine, So 150 2mg bars a month. 90 from her 60 for me.

Here in Florida I didn't get established with a doctor right away, she did and her 90 a month is well over what I need now.

My doctor has a sign saying "we don't prescribe benzodiaza in this office". I went to the doctor to get off of the xanax and they sent me to a place that basically said they can't help so for 18 months I've been tapering. I want off of it. I used to be happy smoking a bowl but I can't even smoke 1 hit anymore because I get panic attacks. I don't have anything to be scared of. I hate the xanax and blame tapering it for ruining my marijuana I loved an get legally for medical.
I pay all the bills. I saved a lot of cash and that's how we do it. I keep the money remotely and she doesn't know where it is. My last project was March 19 2020 right before covid hit. We moved here to Florida in October 2020.

She gets disability for MS.


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## benz699 (Sep 11, 2011)

CraigBesuden said:


> Regret means she wishes she hadn't done it. Remorse means she regrets having done it because of how it hurt you. It sounds like she has regret but not remorse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I fully express my feelings about everything to her. We have sex often and she isn't cheating. It's just the false sense of what a man really is that she gets from reading the books. She loves me. She's sleeping in the other room right now without her phone or kindle. I Love her. I don't know what to do.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

benz699 said:


> I fully express my feelings about everything to her. We have sex often and she isn't cheating. It's just the false sense of what a man really is that she gets from reading the books. *She loves me.* She's sleeping in the other room right now without her phone or kindle. *I Love her.* I don't know what to do.


That`s it then problem solved.
She loves you and you love her.
Glad you managed to sort this, hope the remainder of your marriage is long and prosperous, nothing else to be said because you have answered your own questions.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I mean this in a nice way, but you're a drug addict. You need rehab. Taking even 2 mg of Xanax a day long term will totally screw up your system. A doctor friend gave me Xanax about 20 years ago (for irritable bowel syndrome). I took ONE 2 mg tablet and slept for 14 hours, which I've never done before or since. It's fine for very short term, but long term, wow. A doctor prescribing 90 2 mg tablets per month for one person should lose his or her license to practice medicine.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

benz699 said:


> I'm retired. When we lived in NYC it was so stressful because I was a contractor traveling all over the city sometimes 7 days a week.
> 
> We were both getting the prescription. I was taking hers and mine, So 150 2mg bars a month. 90 from her 60 for me.
> 
> ...


Get a doctor referral from your PCP, for your addiction.



If it were me......

I would go out in the wilderness, fishing for a month or two.
Maybe, up in Canada, doing a fly-in to one of those remote lakes.
Leave the Xanax behind.

They check up on you once a week to make sure you are OK, and to bring in more supplies.

Bring a dog with you for companionship.

If you do this, can I assume you won't go ape-spit?

The only thing that might set you off, would be that the fish aren't biting.
Hell, that would upset me!

.................................................................................................................

If this is out of the question, then check into an addiction program and clinic.
Chose one that somewhat resembles the _Hotel California._

You can check in, but you cannot check out.....until you are _clear._

The point of the trip is to get off the drug.


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