# Can you honestly be self confident/happy after 40?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Seriously, with young child....can a 41 year old lady find contentment, confidence, self worth and a true unselfish happy life?

Mind you....never been without a companion. And finding out, I've always viewed myself as being 'complete' growing up with BF's or my H. Never, ever, 'complimented'. So....now I'm over flowing with sadness and struggle on if I can at this age even find myself. I have no outside friends really. Lots and lots of acquantencies. Not one person, other than mom, who I would call up just to chat, girl talk, dinner, movie nothing. Seriously! 

Age, fear, and second most of all, hurting others feels 1000lb chains on me right now.

I watched EAT PRAY LOVE the other night. Wow...what a concept! And the biggest part that hit me, that I sat and cried...well, 2 parts actually....I literally cried when her and friend went to Naples for Pizza, and she talked to her friend about her muffin top and how she needs to enjoy her body etc. Me....for several years now I refuse to even get dressed in same room as H. And then the real bigger tear jerker...the guy in Bali...talking to her about guilt. In forgiving self. I don't know if I could forgive self for hurt I am, may, or can cause if I chose to find my own life.

It's definately easier to play the part, be what is expected, or viewed, then be tried and true to self.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Um, I sure as heck hope so! Why don't you think you would be able to be happy and confident???


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How can you not? My job involves me in situations with lots of eager high energy very smart people in stressful situations. And yet I run rings around them. They ask me how and I tell them; I'm older than you, mentally tougher than you, more experienced than you and smarter than you and if it's a test of wills I WILL win, that's how. 

Be Bold and Take No Guff


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> How can you not? My job involves me in situations with lots of eager high energy very smart people in stressful situations. And yet I run rings around them. They ask me how and I tell them; I'm older than you, mentally tougher than you, more experienced than you and smarter than you and if it's a test of wills I WILL win, that's how.
> 
> Be Bold and Take No Guff


:smthumbup: Awesome.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Um, I sure as heck hope so! Why don't you think you would be able to be happy and confident???



I lack confidence of personal identity. If that makes anysense. I have learned, I've never truly been self aware of happiness. Meaning....looked to companionship as sense of self and true happiness, verses (what one clearly pointed out to me and I so thank them) looking to companionship as _complimenting_ me and my happiness.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

emotionalwreck said:


> I lack confidence of personal identity. If that makes anysense. I have learned, I've never truly been self aware of happiness. Meaning....looked to companionship as sense of self and true happiness, verses (what one clearly pointed out to me and I so thank them) looking to companionship as _complimenting_ me and my happiness.


Now's the perfect time to develop yourself.

You HAVE a personal identity - but you just aren't used to being able to put yourself first.

Think of something you've always wanted to do but haven't done, and go for it! Or think about things you love and find a way to pursue those passions. If you love music, buy a keyboard and start taking lessons.

Was reading something last night about how active people truly age much slower than inactive people. So keep moving!!!

And I bet you can find some of these "compliments" in your friends and family.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Now's the perfect time to develop yourself.
> 
> You HAVE a personal identity - but you just aren't used to being able to put yourself first.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Guess failed to mention in this partaicular post....I am not seperated or divorced. The post is directed to the fears of that hold me back. You are dead on about not putting self first. The one time I put myself first was wanting a child and H didn't. That's a whole seperate thread and I've explained here in a post somewhere....but that selfishness, was again, something I felt would 'identify me and happines' since back then I felt lack of selfworth, identity, or just plane out lovin' life.

So...I have a 7yr old who brings many smiles. H and I are on different paths. It hurts me to know I have grown out of the marriage, as I always grew up thinking you do this once and it is cinderella. Foolish me. And shame on me for making him believe the same when he never wanted to, to begin with. Well, obviously he did or he wouldn't have asked. 

I'm one of many, the guilt of if I cannot make other's happy...then I do not deserve it myself. Always do, say, act, so to those around in what I feel or see they need or want from me, that makes them happy, feel loved etc. 

I have family but extremely small. Only mom, grandma and brother. For H, me and our dd is all he has. I feel in my heart we may become even closer apart, yet he is of mind set, once it's over, it's completely over. Just cannot muster the confidence to know I can truly be happy and find self _*knowingly*_ hurting others.

Much confusion I know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Find your personal identity! You can't rely on other people for your happiness. That's Rule of Life Fact #1


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that at some point if you want it, you have to stop thinking about it and just start doing it. The thinking is paralyzing sometimes. 

And maybe it doesn't mean leaping right to getting a divorce, moving out and going on a three-country tour of the world and hoping to come out of it looking like Julia Roberts. Maybe it means checking out meetup.org and finding an interesting group in your area to hookup with and making some friends of your own. Or joining the PTA at your daughters school and making friends, real friends, not hi-how-are-ya-friends with some of the moms there. Or finding your own church. Things that get you out of the house and doing things out in the world that are just for you.

The point is, that thinking about it is just going to make you fear it more. We can all think of a thousand reasons NOT to do some new thing--but like they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step--right?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have yet still a child at home. At 22 and graduating college and a seemingly permanent refusal to get a driver's license coupled with his statement that he plans to never leave home, which thrills his mom no end, I have to conclude that my original plan to get my life back by 50 give or take is in the trash. So any urge to 'reinvent' myself are going to be for me and me alone. Everyone else is stuck in permanent adolescence and the parenting of adolescents. 

God Speed to all of them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Still - sign up for something - some sort of formal class.

I did golf lessons a few years ago. Got me out of the house - was somewhat social.

Now I'm doing some martial arts at my local YMCA (never done anything like it and I just turned 39). I really look forward to those nights I have class.

Having a set schedule - and even knowing that you've already paid for it so you NEED to go and get your money's worth - can be a good way to start.

Have you looked into codependecy?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I make a commitment to take at least one foreign language class at the CC in the fall.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I have yet still a child at home. At 22 and graduating college and a seemingly permanent refusal to get a driver's license coupled with his statement that he plans to never leave home, which thrills his mom no end


This made me laugh though I am sure you're not laughing


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

Yes, I assert that you can. 63 here, an active pilot, and about
to get a mechanic's license too! Keep learning, keeps one happy.
Golf just didn't do it for me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This made me laugh though I am sure you're not laughing


I love having him home. I worry for his sake, to grow up.


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