# Seeking input



## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Looking for advice from others because I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not. 
married for 9 years, two kids under age 7. I’m struggling with my husbands lack of motivation, drive and leadership. I feel that it’s so much more he can do but he’s just complacent. He used to work a laborious job and would nap when he got home m-f, I figured it was okay because he worked hard and although it meant he’d only see the kids for like an hour before they had to go to bed it was fine because he worked hard. On the weekends he’d nap during the day.
Fast forward a few years, he needed a mental break from work I was making enough money in my career and needed more help with the kids so we both decided it’ll be okay for him to be a stay at home dad. We talked about expectations and a daily schedule before this happened. When he first started staying home he’d drop the kids off then during the day do absolutely nothing some days would nap twice a day. He held up his end of getting the kids to and from school but they’d be late every day because he wakes up the same time as the kids.
I spoke with him he got a gym membership and works out a few days a week and now that’s all. The kids are still late every day. He’ll clean up the house every couple weeks. The cars are dirty inside and out. I finally got fed up one day and got one of the cars cleaned inside and out in hopes he’d follow and do the other. That didn’t happen.
I seriously think he’s addicted to social media I checked the usage, legit spends 80 hours a week on social media.
My career took a major financial hit and I’m stressed about finances but he’s yet to offer any ideas or even say he’ll get a job again until things go back up.
I’m not in love and haven’t been in love in a while. I think I’m really missing that protective peace when you feel secure that your husband will take of things or at least try to make sure the family is taken care of.
Just wondering if any ladies have dealt with this and what was the outcome? And we’re in MC, hasn’t helped so far.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kamerlytan said:


> Looking for advice from others because I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not.
> married for 9 years, two kids under age 7. I’m struggling with my husbands lack of motivation, drive and leadership. I feel that it’s so much more he can do but he’s just complacent. He used to work a laborious job and would nap when he got home m-f, I figured it was okay because he worked hard and although it meant he’d only see the kids for like an hour before they had to go to bed it was fine because he worked hard. On the weekends he’d nap during the day.
> Fast forward a few years, he needed a mental break from work I was making enough money in my career and needed more help with the kids so we both decided it’ll be okay for him to be a stay at home dad. We talked about expectations and a daily schedule before this happened. When he first started staying home he’d drop the kids off then during the day do absolutely nothing some days would nap twice a day. He held up his end of getting the kids to and from school but they’d be late every day because he wakes up the same time as the kids.
> I spoke with him he got a gym membership and works out a few days a week and now that’s all. The kids are still late every day. He’ll clean up the house every couple weeks. The cars are dirty inside and out. I finally got fed up one day and got one of the cars cleaned inside and out in hopes he’d follow and do the other. That didn’t happen.
> ...


Not a lady but I can see that you clearly have got a big problem on your hands.

Just based on the few times in my life when I was the laziest, I think your husband needs to be hit with a hard dose of reality. I suspect he’s not taking you seriously because he doesn’t have to. The real motivation to change isn’t there. Yet.

You can give him reason to change. I’m not sure what that might look like for you exactly but can offer suggestions:
-You‘re already doing MC but if it’s not working, get a new one.
-Kick him out until he gets a job
-Tell his family and ask for help
-Shut off the house internet, cancel his cell
-Don’t let him back in the bedroom

You get the idea. He needs to ‘feel’ that you’re serious.
That‘s probably what would work if it were me I guess.

Best of luck @Kamerlytan


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Not a lady but I can see that you clearly have got a big problem on your hands.
> 
> Just based on the few times in my life when I was the laziest, I think your husband needs to be hit with a hard dose of reality. I suspect he’s not taking you seriously because he doesn’t have to. The real motivation to change isn’t there. Yet.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! This is very helpful.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kamerlytan said:


> Looking for advice from others because I’m not sure if it’s my fault or not.
> married for 9 years, two kids under age 7. I’m struggling with my husbands lack of motivation, drive and leadership. I feel that it’s so much more he can do but he’s just complacent. He used to work a laborious job and would nap when he got home m-f, I figured it was okay because he worked hard and although it meant he’d only see the kids for like an hour before they had to go to bed it was fine because he worked hard. On the weekends he’d nap during the day.
> Fast forward a few years, he needed a mental break from work I was making enough money in my career and needed more help with the kids so we both decided it’ll be okay for him to be a stay at home dad. We talked about expectations and a daily schedule before this happened. When he first started staying home he’d drop the kids off then during the day do absolutely nothing some days would nap twice a day. He held up his end of getting the kids to and from school but they’d be late every day because he wakes up the same time as the kids.
> I spoke with him he got a gym membership and works out a few days a week and now that’s all. The kids are still late every day. He’ll clean up the house every couple weeks. The cars are dirty inside and out. I finally got fed up one day and got one of the cars cleaned inside and out in hopes he’d follow and do the other. That didn’t happen.
> ...


It sounds like you are very conflict avoidant. You cleaned the car and hoped he would follow suit? You hope he will offer to get a job now that you're making less money? You need to talk about these things. You need to be clear and he needs to know that this is serious. He isn't doing a good job as a SAHD, so something needs to change. 

He may be depressed or suffering from some other mental illness. Many people with mental illness will use pointless things like social media to keep their mind busy without actually doing anything. This is something you need to talk about.

If MC isn't helping, why not? It's either him, you, or the MC. If it's the MC, find a new one. Most MC's suck, sorry to say.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> It sounds like you are very conflict avoidant. You cleaned the car and hoped he would follow suit? You hope he will offer to get a job now that you're making less money? You need to talk about these things. You need to be clear and he needs to know that this is serious. He isn't doing a good job as a SAHD, so something needs to change.
> 
> He may be depressed or suffering from some other mental illness. Many people with mental illness will use pointless things like social media to keep their mind busy without actually doing anything. This is something you need to talk about.
> 
> If MC isn't helping, why not? It's either him, you, or the MC. If it's the MC, find a new one. Most MC's suck, sorry to say.


This is really good! And you are 100% correct I strongly dislike conflict. Whenever I do approach him he automatically gets defensive and thinks I’m attacking him no matter how nicely I say it.
I really have been thinking he’s suffering from depression and have recommended he speak with someone but he doesn’t. I know signs of depression and I really do see them in him but I’m not sure what to do because when I mention it he just says he’s fine and no to help.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kamerlytan said:


> This is really good! And you are 100% correct I strongly dislike conflict. Whenever I do approach him he automatically gets defensive and thinks I’m attacking him no matter how nicely I say it.
> I really have been thinking he’s suffering from depression and have recommended he speak with someone but he doesn’t. I know signs of depression and I really do see them in him but I’m not sure what to do because when I mention it he just says he’s fine and no to help.


Has the MC touched on the depression topic?

For communication, this may help:









Starting with "YOU make me feel...", "when YOU..." tends to make people defensive.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Has the MC touched on the depression topic?
> 
> For communication, this may help:
> View attachment 85144
> ...


Wow! Thank you, I will most definitely use this. The MC hasn’t touched on depression yet but I’m bringing it up in the next session!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds to me you married a man not well equipped for life. Probably not entirely his fault... what was his upbringing like? And his parents? Childhood?
How old are you both? Finally, if you don't love him, just be fair to him and set him free.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds to me you married a man not well equipped for life. Probably not entirely his fault... what was his upbringing like? And his parents? Childhood?
> How old are you both? Finally, if you don't love him, just be fair to him and set him free.


Single mom raised him, he stayed with his on & off for long periods of time. I’m 30 & he’s 34. I was hopeful the love could build again 🙁


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Kamerlytan said:


> Single mom raised him, he stayed with his on & off for long periods of time. I’m 30 & he’s 34. I was hopeful the love could build again 🙁


Thanks... I understand. Sounds like his upbringing was less than ideal and that might explain a few things. That said, when you lose respect for your husband, it's very difficult to get it back and he is not helping.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kamerlytan said:


> I was hopeful the love could build again 🙁


Emotionally Focused Therapy could help. I have done it and it does work, if both spouses are committed.








What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?


Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is an effective, structured approach to couples therapy that can help couples form stronger emotional bonds.




www.verywellmind.com


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

bobert said:


> Emotionally Focused Therapy could help. I have done it and it does work, if both spouses are committed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Does it work to rekindle the lost love, though?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Does it work to rekindle the lost love, though?


Yeah, I'd say it can. Back when my wife and I first tried it I remember being told that it can help spouses regain or deepen the love the couple felt in the beginning, and "find their way back to each other".


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Yeah, I agree. 🙁


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Th


bobert said:


> Emotionally Focused Therapy could help. I have done it and it does work, if both spouses are committed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you! I’ll check that out.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He sounds weak and lazy. Needed a break from work? Come on man!

He needs to man up and be a strong, hard working leader or I see you leaving him.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Kamerlytan said:


> Single mom raised him, he stayed with his on & off for long periods of time. I’m 30 & he’s 34. I was hopeful the love could build again


He might be 34 but he acts like a child.

You might have to give him a wake up call. Say something like if I don't see z, x, and y we are getting divorced. Or maybe even move out for a weekend.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> He might be 34 but he acts like a child.
> 
> You might have to give him a wake up call. Say something like if I don't see z, x, and y we are getting divorced. Or maybe even move out for a weekend.


I’ve been strongly considering going away with the kids for a few weeks. I think I’m going to make that happen.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I read both of your threads. What I gather so far is that basically you teach people how to treat you.

I can't see any reason why your husband would want to do Jackshit, or to have any reason or motivation to do anything when he knows that besides you just nagging at him there's nothing to worry about. Business as usual. You are so conflict avoidance, that that borders in cowardly behavior. 

The only thing I would do in your position is to gather courage, strength, and sit him. Tell him something like this:

"I want to tell you that I not longer see you as a man. I have lost all respect and love for you.
You're not even good as a stay at home dad. I want to let you know that I'm strongly considering divorce. If you are not willing or not longer capable to start being a man that can lead in all aspects in this relationship, and regain my respect and love for you, then divorce it is. I just can't continue with a shadow of the man I fell in love with and married". 

That's an ultimatum. As such in order for it to be effective, you must mean it and follow through on the ultimatum. If you don't mean it then don't do it. 

I don't think that just nagging, counseling, or just plain *****ing about it will ever solve anything. He needs to be shocked to the core. 

The end result if you guys continue the status quo will be, you eventually cheating on him with a man that would be alpha to you. Happens all the time to women in your position. These forums have so many real life cases of SAHD crying their eyes out because the wife found a new alpha man, and they are being tossed aside. 

Make him see that from your end That's it. Whichever way he responds, then you'll have your answer. Once again, if you give him an ultimatum, follow through, otherwise, forget about it, continue with business as usual and accept it. Your choice basically. Realize and accept that you can't change him, you can only change yourself, and change for you is needed. A change where you will not longer be a doormat, a conflict avoidant.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I read both of your threads. What I gather so far is that basically you teach people how to treat you.
> 
> I can't see any reason why your husband would want to do Jackshit, or to have any reason or motivation to do anything when he knows that besides you just nagging at him there's nothing to worry about. Business as usual. You are so conflict avoidance, that that borders in cowardly behavior.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU VERY MUCH!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Kamerlytan said:


> THANK YOU VERY MUCH!


You taking actions towards resolution would be enough for me and the other people that gave you input.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Honey what you don’t wanna end up being is his mommy and you are 95% there.

You’re gonna end up falling for a real man if you don’t get a handle on this. In all honesty though once you lose it this far for a man you are done and I don’t blame you. Good luck trying to muster up any desire for this man child. It just ain’t gonna happen. Stay At Home Dads have a manifest destiny….. she loses respect… the sex goes away …. She loses all attraction…. and then she starts falling for another man. There just isn’t anything attractive or hot and sexy about stay at home dads…..PERIOD. Biology is what it is …..


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