# Moved cross country then blindsided by divorce



## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Title says it all. Less then 2 months ago, my wife had asked me to considering moving to the west coast for her happiness and depression. I finally caved and agreed, reluctantly, as I have no desire to live away from our home. We have 2 school age children who both seemed excited of the prospects of living near the ocean. When we discussed this move the idea was it would be temporary. I was able to get my boss to allow remote work for the time being. We still keep a family home in the Midwest.

fast forward 6 weeks from the date we moved and I’m told she is no longer happy and that she wants a divorce. Now I’m stuck in a city I hate, with no friends or family. Its Honestly crushing. Now comes the kicker…. Because I willingly moved my children here and enrolled them into school. at First glance from a conversation with a lawyer friend I may have screwed myself by doing so. I want nothing more then to take the kids and go back home. however she is not on board with that. She wants them to stay here with her. Both kids enjoy it here.but 1 would likely want to go back if given the option.

the idea of having to live out here on my own is unbearable. High cost makes it nearly impossible. I’ll be the one who’s moving out and highly doubt I can live anywhere near my children. I have no friends or family. It destroys me. 

She tries to say how it’s my decision where I live. Do I go back home to our house? Do I find some dump apartment 30 minutes away(if I’m lucky) that I can hardly afford. But it’s not my choice I have no real options. I’m worried living here under these conditions is going to mentally destroy me. But so will being a parent who sees them on the weekends or being a summer dad….

just need some advice. Maybe someone’s been through something like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How old are the children? Do they know their mum wants a divorce?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is this the same wife who did the same thing to you 7 years ago? You must be feeling rather like Charlie Brown with the football.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I fear your lawyer friend is correct. Jurisdiction of child custody rests on the head of the children so you will have to fight for them there. 

You are between a rock & a hard place. I am so sorry she pulled this on you. How mean but you have to know it as deliberate. This way she got to move & keep her kids. If she divorced you there she would not have been allowed to move out of state with them.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

knowfiguy said:


> Title says it all. Less then 2 months ago, my wife had asked me to considering moving to the west coast for her happiness and depression. I finally caved and agreed, reluctantly, as I have no desire to live away from our home. We have 2 school age children who both seemed excited of the prospects of living near the ocean. When we discussed this move the idea was it would be temporary. I was able to get my boss to allow remote work for the time being. We still keep a family home in the Midwest.
> 
> fast forward 6 weeks from the date we moved and I’m told she is no longer happy and that she wants a divorce. Now I’m stuck in a city I hate, with no friends or family. Its Honestly crushing. Now comes the kicker…. Because I willingly moved my children here and enrolled them into school. at First glance from a conversation with a lawyer friend I may have screwed myself by doing so. I want nothing more then to take the kids and go back home. however she is not on board with that. She wants them to stay here with her. Both kids enjoy it here.but 1 would likely want to go back if given the option.
> 
> ...


Dude, what are you doing? I'm sorry you are in this situation, but it seems like you never learn your lesson. I looked at your other posts and this has been a pattern. I'm pretty sure your wife just duped you into moving knowing she would leave you AGAIN. If you go back home you will lose custody of your children.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Dude, what are you doing? I'm sorry you are in this situation, but it seems like you never learn your lesson. I looked at your other posts and this has been a pattern. I'm pretty sure your wife just duped you into moving knowing she would leave you AGAIN. If you go back home you will lose custody of your children.


Your right. I clearly didn’t. We were split up for 1.5 years and then we rekindled our marriage. It was kind of out of nowhere, after doing something together for the kids one day. Things were great for multiple years.

whether I ignored the signs or what, I don’t know. But here I am, like an idiot who thought he was doing the right thing.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> How old are the children? Do they know their mum wants a divorce?


My kids will be 10 & 12 this summer. They know that we’re not in a good spot. Sleeping in separate rooms now. I want to tell the kids, but she’s insistent we know what is next for the kids. Whether I’m moving out back home, trying to find a place local, etc. I feel they should know now.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> I fear your lawyer friend is correct. Jurisdiction of child custody rests on the head of the children so you will have to fight for them there.
> 
> You are between a rock & a hard place. I am so sorry she pulled this on you. How mean but you have to know it as deliberate. This way she got to move & keep her kids. If she divorced you there she would not have been allowed to move out of state with them.


Deep down I know this has to be true. She swears up and down it wasn’t, but the coincidence is just too perfect.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

At this point screw what she wants Talk to your kids & ask what they want. Point blank -- do they want to live here with mom or move back home with dad.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Sounds like she had been planning this for a long time. She probably got this strategic advice from an attorney. She also used you as a resource to get established where she wanted to be.

I bet if you do some digging into phone records, social media, and browsing history. You will find that she has a new love interest in the area you moved to..... You are a victim of a very deceptive and intelligent spouse. I would seriously freeze all accounts, your credit, withdraw all money from accounts, and put any property that is important to you into an undisclosed storage unit ASAP. Depending on the age of the children, tell them what is going on. Also inform her family of what has happened before she spins it to her version if she hasn't already done so.

Record any encounters with her, stay calm and focused no matter how hostile she becomes around you. She will probably try to build a case that you are a physical/mental abuser.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Is this the same wife who did the same thing to you 7 years ago? You must be feeling rather like Charlie Brown with the football.


Same one. I realize I’m a moron who thought maybe I was doing something good for her because that’s what a caring spouse would do. 

the idea of having to live here broke(financially)and isolated from everyone and everything that matters in my life kills me. It makes me question doing things for others, and just looking out for myself.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

knowfiguy said:


> My kids will be 10 & 12 this summer. They know that we’re not in a good spot. Sleeping in separate rooms now. I want to tell the kids, but she’s insistent we know what is next for the kids. Whether I’m moving out back home, trying to find a place local, etc. I feel they should know now.


Stop worrying about what she thinks and what she wants to do. Be your own man and do what you think is right.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It won't be the same but you can zoom & facetime your kids. You can fly out to meet them & be the fun dad, taking them to the beach. Maybe you can get big chunks of holiday time -- mid December to mid January & all of the summer. But you should not have to be miserable.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> At this point screw what she wants Talk to your kids & ask what they want. Point blank -- do they want to live here with mom or move back home with dad.


I know that it’s split 50/50. My 10 year old would go back tomorrow if I offered. But my 12 year old has grown attached to her new friends. She does NOT want to move back. 
The idea of splitting the children up is something I don’t know I could do, or that it’s even right. But the wife came back to me and said I could take the kids home for summer, but they are coming back for school no matter what. “She’s the mother and has there best interests in mind”. Better opportunities here and school. Which I strongly disagree with. Both locations have top notch schools and universities. 
I’m not sure I’d even win a custody battle considering I agreed to move, and enrolled the children here.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Wow, that is so underhanded. I'm sorry you're going through this. Get a shark lawyer.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> It won't be the same but you can zoom & facetime your kids. You can fly out to meet them & be the fun dad, taking them to the beach. Maybe you can get big chunks of holiday time -- mid December to mid January & all of the summer. But you should not have to be miserable.


I know it’s an option, but Being the one who “leaves” my childrens day to day life feels like abandonment. I would never want them to think that. Or that they aren’t important enough for me to stay.

I’ve always been extremely involved with them. Coaching my sons sports teams, driving the kids to activities. Cooking dinner. Etc.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This is definitely something you need a lawyer for. Consult with several, who specialize in family law and mobility, not just a random friend who may not even be in that subfield.

But it sounds to me like she moved you out west on false pretenses, and is now manipulating you to leave her there with the kids, probably what she actually wanted from the start. Her out there with the kids, and you out of the picture.

You said it was intended to be temporary though, and that you kept the original family home? That might save you. You could move the kids back there, calling the move out west a failed experiment as it did not accomplish what it was intended to do, and that your original home is still the kids' established residence.

You move the kids back home, and then it is your wife's choice if she wants to move back or not. They are yours as much as they are hers, so she doesn't get to automatically keep them and make you choose to leave them or not.

And the kids absolutely do not get any say in where they live. They are adolescents. You and their mother, or a court if you can't agree, make those decisions for them. Your daughter's new friends of six weeks cannot take precedence over the rest of the issues!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Oh my, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Your wife sounds extremely manipulative and fooled you into moving out there, getting established and then dropping the bomb. I don’t have any advice for you, except to see a lawyer(and a shark lawyer at that) and I would fight her hard (and just for the record, I am a woman). I am outraged by her behavior.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You're screwed. No doubts about that. You did not learn, so that's that.

Nothing you can do now. Divorce is a given; go back, or stay those are you choices either way you lose. Try to get the best possible outcome in the divorce settlement, that's your reality.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

knowfiguy said:


> Same one. I realize I’m a moron who thought maybe I was doing something good for her because that’s what a caring spouse would do.
> 
> the idea of having to live here broke(financially)and isolated from everyone and everything that matters in my life kills me. It makes me question doing things for others, and just looking out for myself.


What’s that saying? No good deed goes unpunished. 😔 But seriously though, don’t feel bad that you loved someone _that much._ It speaks to your integrity. It speaks to how selfless you were and you thought it would improve your marriage. Hope is a risky thing, sometimes.

Can’t undo what’s done but hopefully, the divorce settlement will be somewhat favorable for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Was she originally from the West Coast? What was her reason for wanting to move there? Have you ever been out there before?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

knowfiguy said:


> Same one. I realize I’m a moron who thought maybe I was doing something good for her because that’s what a caring spouse would do.
> 
> the idea of having to live here broke(financially)and isolated from everyone and everything that matters in my life kills me. It makes me question doing things for others, and just looking out for myself.


The point is not to be an even bigger moron. Sort your life and move on. Don’t ever take her back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I just looked back over your past threads. Wow. She has played you over and over for the last eight years and you allowed it. You need to figure out why you thought her behavior was acceptable. If you don’t, and she’s really serious this time, you’ll just make the same mistakes in your next relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> It won't be the same but you can zoom & facetime your kids. You can fly out to meet them & be the fun dad, taking them to the beach. Maybe you can get big chunks of holiday time -- mid December to mid January & all of the summer. But you should not have to be miserable.


Plus they are old enough to fly in their own to see you for holidays. Airlines have people who look after unnacompanied minors. 

What she did was just disgusting.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

knowfiguy said:


> fast forward 6 weeks from the date we moved and I’m told she is no longer happy and that she wants a divorce. Now I’m stuck in a city I hate, with no friends or family. Its Honestly crushing. Now comes the kicker…. Because I willingly moved my children here and enrolled them into school. at First glance from a conversation with a lawyer friend I may have screwed myself by doing so.


I need to go back and read your other posts. 

But based on reading just the paragraph above and knowing nothing else about your situation, I think she was planning for this for a long time. You know the old movie trope "It was with you all along". The depression was with her all along and wherever she went the depression went with it. I don't know if moving to the west coast would have change that.

I think she had planned to divorce a while ago. Since then she's been working on getting all her ducks in a row and I strongly feel that she has/had expert guidance on subterfuge and deception. She made it sound like it was a joint decision to go to where she wanted to go and take the kids with you. She probably railroaded your objections to this move. Now that you are on the west coast, it is going to cause a problem if you try to take the kids back to your original state. 

As of right now, I have no suggestions for you. I'll read your other posts to see if I have any. 

One thing I'd suggest is to hire a competent attorney in the west coast state and work with this person to untangle this mess. And mess this is, that your wife has created.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She may be a lot of things but, stupid is not one of them. She set the trap and you fell right into it OP.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Was she originally from the West Coast? What was her reason for wanting to move there? Have you ever been out there before?


Both of us are from the same area in the midwest. Her reasoning was to try something new and the break out from the “winter depression”. I’ve never been to the coast myself, but she had traveled there once for a vacation as a teen.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Openminded said:


> The point is not to be an even bigger moron. Sort your life and move on. Don’t ever take her back.


Trust me I’m done with it. Yes it hurts but she has put me in the worst position possible. I’ll always resent her for this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

knowfiguy said:


> Both of us are from the same area in the midwest. Her reasoning was to try something new and the break out from the “winter depression”. I’ve never been to the coast myself, but she had traveled there once for a vacation as a teen.


I see on a past post where you had moved with her once before so she could take a job. Does she really think she can make a living by herself out there?


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I see on a past post where you had moved with her once before so she could take a job. Does she really think she can make a living by herself out there?


She actually can. She accepted a job a week after we arrived making a 6 figure salary. Which may have helped her finally cut the cord. We now have similar incomes but I also have student loans and maintenance costs to deal with pertaining to the family home(family member is renting it while I’m away, but only covering 80% of the costs). She doesn’t want to keep it and wasn’t able to be on the loan anyways due to credit. I’ve also just had a terrible string of luck with issues at the house the last 3 weeks with roof and plumbing. This will also need to be taken care of from my income.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Her getting a good income certainly played into this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

knowfiguy said:


> She actually can. She accepted a job a week after we arrived making a 6 figure salary. Which may have helped her finally cut the cord. We now have similar incomes but I also have student loans and maintenance costs to deal with pertaining to the family home(family member is renting it while I’m away, but only covering 80% of the costs). She doesn’t want to keep it and wasn’t able to be on the loan anyways due to credit. I’ve also just had a terrible string of luck with issues at the house the last 3 weeks with roof and plumbing. This will also need to be taken care of from my income.


I think that the laws about moving away like that are different in different states so you need to make sure that your attorney is looking into that. My understanding in Texas is that you would have to somewhere for 6 months after moving. I mean definitely divorce laws are different from state to state so if I were you I would certainly check both the state you're in and whatever state you moved to laws on that subject just to see if there's a difference in it. I do know the longer you stay there the less chance you'll have of being able to move back with any kids.

You might well be able to work out some sort of arrangement where you get the kids all summer and on all their school breaks. And that might be okay at the age the kids are at, particularly if they have friends they'll miss where you just moved from, but eventually the kids are going to start kicking back on having to spend any summers away from wherever their friends are. And if you can't afford to stay in the west coast then don't know if it would be you who would have to pay for all the flying or if that might be part of the deal that she would have to pay. But I do know you're going to need a really good attorney and if you don't have faith in this one that you've got who's already telling you you're up the creek, I'd go talk to a different family law attorney.


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## balbichi (Sep 17, 2021)

first if all, you dont learn from your mistakes. Also, your wife acted im a bad faith. She moved you out here and then file for divorce. Good luck!!


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Ive spoken with a lawyer back home and will be speaking with a west coast lawyer as well.

The lawyer from home needs to do so some research and look at it in greater detail. I have a few things going against me, but may have grounds based on the timing of the divorced relative to the move. Likewise with have kept the family home AND having a family network.

but it’s still an up hill battle given my prior consent and enrollment of school. My daughter is also coming up on 12 and judges will take her opinion into consideration. She has told me today she wants to stay. This could put a judge in a position to also keep my son on the coast to not split the children.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

knowfiguy said:


> I know that it’s split 50/50. My 10 year old would go back tomorrow if I offered. But my 12 year old has grown attached to her new friends. She does NOT want to move back.
> The idea of splitting the children up is something I don’t know I could do, or that it’s even right. But the wife came back to me and said I could take the kids home for summer, but they are coming back for school no matter what. * “She’s the mother and has there best interests in mind”.* Better opportunities here and school. Which I strongly disagree with. Both locations have top notch schools and universities.
> I’m not sure I’d even win a custody battle considering I agreed to move, and enrolled the children here.


Oh please, smashing the bottom out of their world? Breaking up their family is in the childrens best interests? Lol.

Tell her she can damn well move out of the house, and get an apartment close by. Tell her it's in the childrens best interests.

The only thing you did "wrong" here OP was trusting your wife, I'm so sorry.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

I’ve kind of lucked out a bit and she has come to her senses that moving back home is the right thing to do for the kids. 
As far as what she did to convince me and how long, maybe 3-4 weeks. We were already selling our home and we’re going to be moving anyways. I most likely wouldn’t have done it had those circumstances not lined up.
Good luck!


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