# If one partner wants out of a relationship thread



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I have been through so much this past month, and have learned so much about myself, life and marriage as a result. I hope I can help others find there way out of 'rock bottom' as I have.

I was the partner that wanted out, and was 99% out-and having an emotional affair at the same time. How we got through the muddle? It is a very long story, but I am happy to say we are on our way yo a marriage better than we have ever had. So sometimes good things come from bad situations. Here is an article I found, directed at the commited partner, if the other says he/she wants out of the relationship:


There is a site called lovetactics.com and there was advice given to a situation like yours..
here it is below. Maybe you situation is a bit different though but i guess you can read it anyhow and possible use some of the advice..here it is:

"The minute your spouse begins to act like they want out, you not only need to give them all the line they need to show that you're not going to stand in the way, but it is helpful to pull the rug out from under them by facilitating the process and showing that you are more than willing to go your separate way if they don't want you anymore. To bend over backwards to try to please them at this critical moment only makes you come across as needy and desperate, at the very moment you need to be showing strength of character and emotional self-reliance. You MUST command their respect if there is any chance of redeeming this marriage, but catering to their whims at this point only makes them disrespect you more. That is not to say that you shouldn't be very kind and a good listener while discussing this. Just let it be clear that, now that they've expressed their desire to be gone, you want a specific date when you can start planning your life on your own and let them know you intend to hold them to it. Let them realize this is no bluffing game. "If you want out, go, but if you're not sure, then you better start talking fast because now the clock is ticking and I'm not waiting long before I'll initiate proceedings myself!" Make him respect you first and then when he decides to stay, I guarantee you he'll be much happier! Even if he still goes, though, he will still regret it more if you have renewed his respect in this fashion.


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## Fiveholer (Jul 1, 2010)

How long did it take exactly? I have been told that she wants out and I do not and I AM doing all the wrong things, begging, pleading, trying to get my case across how much I love and want to be with her. It seems it IS only making things worse. I have been told today "The things I do with you make me happy, but you, yourself, do not make me happy."

I have been trying to be stronger in the last week and try to show I don't care but I have low points and I fire off desperate texts in an attempt to show how much it all means to me. She wants me to man up, but how the hell do you do that when your heart has been ripped in half?!

Thanks


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## sparkle4 (Jun 12, 2010)

Fiveholer
I feel he same way sometimes and do the same things. I try not to but sometimes it is hard not to call them on the BS. Like when my hubby says he never loved me and only stayed for the kids. I know it is not true even if he does not and I find my self trying to convince him other wise. The only advice I can offer is that it helps to post on here and I also find it helpful to exercise. I have been walking 4 miles a day. It helps me clear my head and the madder I get the more I walk and before I know it I have gone a long ways. Find something that helps you take your mind off of it for a while. 

may you find peace even for a moment.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> How long did it take exactly? I have been told that she wants out and I do not and I AM doing all the wrong things, begging, pleading, trying to get my case across how much I love and want to be with her. It seems it IS only making things worse. I have been told today "The things I do with you make me happy, but you, yourself, do not make me happy."


Indeed, those usually are the wrong things to do. Begging, whining, trying to convince, yelling, crying, etc. are all seen for what they actually are: attempts to control another human being. Instead of trying to get her to do what you want, concentrate on being the man you should be!

I know this seems counterproductive - but you cannot convince someone you love them by saying those words. In fact, unless there is some content there, the words become meaningless. Love is action, pure and simple. It means doing what MUST be done, regardless of the reaction you might get. Over time, people notice that you are doing it the right way - including your wife.

As for: 




> "The things I do with you make me happy, but you, yourself, do not make me happy."


There is more truth there than it seems. NO one can make another person happy. Happiness is entirely internal: it is the interpretation of a perceived situation. In any situation (well, MOST situations) you can CHOOSE to be happy, or you can choose to NOT be happy. 



> I have been trying to be stronger in the last week and try to show I don't care but I have low points and I fire off desperate texts in an attempt to show how much it all means to me.


The trick is NOT to show that you don't care - that would reveal a heartlessness. It is to show that you are capable of being happy in spite of the other person. Show her that she is free to make decisions, let her know you are disappointed that she chose some other path than what you wanted, but that you accept her decision - then move on to something else. 

Stop sending those texts! You can control yourself - write it, but don't send it! Or - send it to yourself if you feel compelled to send!



> She wants me to man up, but how the hell do you do that when your heart has been ripped in half?!


You man up by getting busy. Most men do better when they have something to do, instead of sitting and waiting. So - get busy. Learn all you can about affairs, and how they affect people. Learn how to communicate effectively. Learn your personality type and it's weak points and strong points. Find out how to overcome the weaknesses, how to use the strengths.

Once you start this, changes will take place - and your wife will begin to notice.

Another thing: do not be a doormat. Learn what boundaries are, and clearly define what yours are, so that you know where you will go and where you won't. 

All of this seems to be missing the chance at recovering your marriage - but take my word for it - this is what will turn things around . . . for you. And when that happens, your wife will begin to take notice.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Indeed, those usually are the wrong things to do. Begging, whining, trying to convince, yelling, crying, etc. are all seen for what they actually are: attempts to control another human being. Instead of trying to get her to do what you want, concentrate on being the man you should be!
> 
> I know this seems counterproductive - but you cannot convince someone you love them by saying those words. In fact, unless there is some content there, the words become meaningless. Love is action, pure and simple. It means doing what MUST be done, regardless of the reaction you might get. Over time, people notice that you are doing it the right way - including your wife.
> 
> ...


This is what my HB has done. He is, for the most part handling this the right way. He is working on himself regardless of what happens with us and has set his boundary, I am not to have any inappropriate contact with this OM or we are done.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

thanks for the site, I will have to check it out


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Fiveholer, I feel for you. This is me on more days than I care to admit. Yesterday was one. I managed not to beg or whine or anything but I felt it - we were together for a family party, I was hoping she would want to speak to me about us, and when she didn't I hit an emotional wall. Ending the day - and this morning - feeling like a sham. All I wanted was to be back with her. Well, not back, I'm looking forward to building something new, but she's not with me, maybe not yet, or maybe not ever. I'm back on track today, I think. Still, I'm online on a nice day hoping she'd made contact of some sort. In the meantime I'm seriously considering something I hadn't before - that quite soon I need to speak with an attorney, if only to get an idea of what's needed and involved. If it comes to it (I hope) there will be a struggle for the kids and custody, and her EA has gone undocumented to date, mostly out of my belief that it wouldn't need to be.

I'm approaching the point at which my patience is running out, and when it does I intend to be prepared with appropriate arguments, and backed up with ready actions. She's in or she's out.



Fiveholer said:


> How long did it take exactly? I have been told that she wants out and I do not and I AM doing all the wrong things, begging, pleading, trying to get my case across how much I love and want to be with her. It seems it IS only making things worse. I have been told today "The things I do with you make me happy, but you, yourself, do not make me happy."
> 
> I have been trying to be stronger in the last week and try to show I don't care but I have low points and I fire off desperate texts in an attempt to show how much it all means to me. She wants me to man up, but how the hell do you do that when your heart has been ripped in half?!
> 
> Thanks


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Rob..IMHO..she doesn't know what she wants, she has thrown all the scenarios at you, which one is it?, it's all about how are you going to feel about her after a certain time?, once you reach a point where you can stop thinking about what she wants and about what you can do on your own, that is where the scale tips one way or the other, you have to reach a point where you realize you cannot keep TRYING when she isn't 100% committed..I myself cannot 'wait' for them to turn the 'corner', I can be happy by myself, with my girls, or with a female friend, unfortunately they need something besides themselves to be happy, like 'tanelornpete' stated, happiness or at least comfort comes from within.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> Rob..IMHO..she doesn't know what she wants, she has thrown all the scenarios at you, which one is it?, it's all about how are you going to feel about her after a certain time?, once you reach a point where you can stop thinking about what she wants and about what you can do on your own, that is where the scale tips one way or the other, you have to reach a point where you realize you cannot keep TRYING when she isn't 100% committed..I myself cannot 'wait' for them to turn the 'corner', I can be happy by myself, with my girls, or with a female friend, unfortunately they need something besides themselves to be happy, like 'tanelornpete' stated, happiness or at least comfort comes from within.


This was some of my problem last night. I'd felt that I was getting very happy with myself. I've started making changes in my life that would improve our family life and my ability to have a real social life outside the home on evenings - basically, to be my own person. I'd made time on weekends for myself, and we've spent wekeends apart - usually with me as Dad, but sometimes she has the kids. Then last night she shows up and I feel it's all the opposite of that - she looks together and secure and I suddenly feel (well, tired) and unsure and lost, and heartsick. It really threw me. Today I'm feeling better, and I know that if it comes to it I will adjust to being not-married any more, even seek other relationships, but I'll be damned if I will want that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I actually think one of the most difficult aspects of this stuff is that it doesn't really work to try to "learn what to do" after it happens. Because the harm done in the initial phase of withdrawl/begging/pleading/apologizing is hard to undo. 

As for these tactics. They absolutely and without any question whatsoever produce the "best possible outcome". That doesn't mean you stay together and are happy. Or that you even stay together. But at minimum your partner leaves respecting you and perhaps wondering if they made a mistake. 

The key thing is how you handle the "moment of truth". If you are calm and accepting for me the phrase I used was: 
"I am committed and want to make this work, however if you don't I totally respect that. If you want to move out that is fine, if you prefer that I do, that is also fine". 

I know a lawyer would say "never leave the house" but I wasn't worried about a hostile divorce since my W is a good person, wasn't cheating and is very fair at heart. My strategy had nothing to do with "post divorce" financial positioning. Instead it was all about "I am going to make this effortless for you if you want to be apart - in fact you don't have to lift a finger - just say leave and I will be gone. Realize though that once I leave, depending on what happens I may not come back even if you ask me to."

And faced with a completely calm partner who was fully agreeable to ending it - she did a total 180 within 24 hours. The following week she was delightful in every sense of the word. And in fact within a week started referring to that incident as the "night I went psychobiitch". I simply refer to it as the "night you got some things off your chest that were bothering you". She has maybe done that twice in twenty years. If you can't give your partner slack once a decade, you likely shouldn't be married. But if I had panicked and freaked - who knows what would have happened. Two crazy people in one house is not a good thing. 








Robrobb said:


> This was some of my problem last night. I'd felt that I was getting very happy with myself. I've started making changes in my life that would improve our family life and my ability to have a real social life outside the home on evenings - basically, to be my own person. I'd made time on weekends for myself, and we've spent wekeends apart - usually with me as Dad, but sometimes she has the kids. Then last night she shows up and I feel it's all the opposite of that - she looks together and secure and I suddenly feel (well, tired) and unsure and lost, and heartsick. It really threw me. Today I'm feeling better, and I know that if it comes to it I will adjust to being not-married any more, even seek other relationships, but I'll be damned if I will want that.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Rob, I know what you mean about seeing your spouse and how it makes you feel, that is why I 'avoid' if you want use that term, as much as possible, I feel I will start feeling crappy or resentful if I stay and talk to her AT THIS TIME, before even when I didn't see her I was constantly thinking of her, NO MATTER WHAT I WAS DOING OR WHERE I WAS, then it got easier, now I still think about it now and then but it's easier to brush away, but when I go pick up my daughters I leave as soon as they get in my car, she might seem (my wife) to be sure of herself but I can tell she still isn't happy just by the texts and emails she sends me, she wants me to fail without her, but I can easily live without her I just didn't want to, but I am glad I am now...so if 'avoiding' your wife helps, do it, or try something else, even if they seem happy at first, it probably won't last and if it does, well you had lost her anyway.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I can't see how avoiding my wife can possibly do any good at all. What I need the most is to be myself. Next, to be patient, give her the time to make her decision about whether to work on our marriage or end it. And third, engage her, show her the man I can be, that she will live with or turn her back on when she makes that choice. In general I think I'm doing those things well, but on this occasion, in which I expected or hoped that she might come looking for me, I found myself looking for her instead, and found myself wanting on that third point.



2Daughters said:


> Rob, I know what you mean about seeing your spouse and how it makes you feel, that is why I 'avoid' if you want use that term, as much as possible, I feel I will start feeling crappy or resentful if I stay and talk to her AT THIS TIME, before even when I didn't see her I was constantly thinking of her, NO MATTER WHAT I WAS DOING OR WHERE I WAS, then it got easier, now I still think about it now and then but it's easier to brush away, but when I go pick up my daughters I leave as soon as they get in my car, she might seem (my wife) to be sure of herself but I can tell she still isn't happy just by the texts and emails she sends me, she wants me to fail without her, but I can easily live without her I just didn't want to, but I am glad I am now...so if 'avoiding' your wife helps, do it, or try something else, even if they seem happy at first, it probably won't last and if it does, well you had lost her anyway.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

I am in this boat too. My H wants out and I want to do ANYTHING to save it. I am guilty of begging, crying, etc. and I hate myself for it. I am generally a very strong person. However, I am so scared that my family is breaking up and I just can't take it.

Even as I am begging and crying, I hear my inner voice saying "stop it!" 

I will be visiting this thread often to keep me grounded for what I must do from now on.

Thank you for starting this thread.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Good luck Rob on her looking for you:smthumbup:..on me avoiding, it is strictly to keep my cool, and I see my kids almost daily, and on weekends, but don't want to see her, I did in the beginning but it was me chasing her, I was forgotten by her, so after so much time of that a person just says, ok, enough is enough, and they start easing back slowly, until it feels good to avoid, I'm sure the next stage will be where, I will want to see her just so I can show how I have gotten over it completely, but now is not the time, actually it is not avoiding her, it is I just have no reason to see her anymore or go by except to get my girls, we have nothing in common but the kids anyway...so I guess it isn't avoiding just no need to see her.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

One of the concepts stressed most by the people who seem to know best is developing confidence. One way to show that confidence is by not initiating contact. You can't be needy. I struggle with that evey day. I am in a five day stretch of no contact. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I think it is the right thing to do. However, at some point I think I will reach out, mostly to show I am still interested. Should I and when?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I have been through so much this past month, and have learned so much about myself, life and marriage as a result. I hope I can help others find there way out of 'rock bottom' as I have.
> 
> I was the partner that wanted out, and was 99% out-and having an emotional affair at the same time. How we got through the muddle? It is a very long story, but I am happy to say we are on our way yo a marriage better than we have ever had. So sometimes good things come from bad situations. Here is an article I found, directed at the commited partner, if the other says he/she wants out of the relationship:
> 
> ...


Funny because that's often the opposite of what is preached here!


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## gids1 (Jul 3, 2010)

I am really impressed with what you have done Iamnot, having read your main thread I can imagine how hard that must be. I know with my wife (who hates talking about anything with more emotion than and episode so How I met your Mother) she would be in heaven if I just let life go on and never talk about our issues ever again.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> Funny because that's often the opposite of what is preached here!


Actually that is what is "preached" here. Show you are strong and can get along fine without them.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

losinglove said:


> Actually that is what is "preached" here. Show you are strong and can get along fine without them.


And this line of thinking has a double benefit. Your spouse will will respect you more and you will be prepared to participate in a marriage rather than just going along with the ride, in the case that you do stay together, and if the marriage does end you will be more capable of handling things and in a better position for beginning your new life. Adopt the mindset and discover your confidence, strength and self-worth as early as possible, it really is the best course of action for anybody.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

losinglove said:


> Actually that is what is "preached" here. Show you are strong and can get along fine without them.


I do understand why OhGeesh would think of Plan A/Carrot & Stick as bending over backwards or Plan Doormat. Lots of people make that mistake. 

However as we have written time and again, Plan A has two parts. 1) "Carrot" which is to say that you don't focus on the disloyal but on yourself--ways that you contributed--your own issues--the Love Extinguishers you did ....and you work on those things to make you a better person. At one point your natural personality not only intrigued the disloyal...it WON them, so returning to the YOU that you were meant to be will make you a more attractive alternative. 2) "Stick" which is to say that you do not control them or try to "make" them do anything but rather you no longer stand in the way and you allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. You don't fund the affair, you don't fund the apartment or the cell or the internet used to further the affair, and you don't just roll over and disappear so they can move the OP in and live is peachy.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> One of the concepts stressed most by the people who seem to know best is developing confidence. One way to show that confidence is by not initiating contact. You can't be needy. I struggle with that evey day. I am in a five day stretch of no contact. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I think it is the right thing to do. However, at some point I think I will reach out, mostly to show I am still interested. Should I and when?


Wish I knew that answer. I snapped at her on my way out of the house today and we traded a few heated emails this morning. Since then nothing. the problem is, that I keep checking, hoping that she'll get in touch. On my way home tonight and I expect her to be squirreled away in the attic by the time I get there. Plus, this weekend we're supposed to be doing family activities. No contact isn't much of an option. Maybe we'll just wait and see who speaks first.


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