# At almost 12 weeks it really hits me



## RogerDA (Nov 3, 2012)

So since the final blow up and show down with my STBXW I have buried myself in work. Thinking that I am dealing with the pain of being deceived and lied to for my whole marriage. I have talked with friends and loved ones. Strengthened old friendships. Gone out and had fun and not shied away from facing what has happened. Or so I thought

This weekend was the start of a two week vacation. My plan is to get to work erasing all vestiges of her having lived in this house and get ready to remodel. But today I went to work on the room that had been her office and the walls just seemed to cave in on me. She left so many things. Things that were significant to us. Photo albums going back to when we met. Things we picked up on our travels. Her wedding dress in the back of the closet. She has had plenty of opportunity to come back for more of her things given the rapidity with which I kicked her out (I did get movers in for the bulk of her stuff though). But aside from coming to get official documents and miscellaneous work things she has done nothing here. I guess it is just the in my face affirmation that she was just using me that has really started to set in.

I have told myself I am going to burn the rest of her crap. But something tells me this is easier said than done.

Honestly I have not had too many sleepless night over this. And even according to those who know me best I seem to be dealing pretty well. But tonight I just can't get it ut of my head. Her lying, her cheating. Seeing the evidence of her cheating. 

And there is this powerful feeling of loneliness that my gut tells me is going to last a very long time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get all of her stuff out of your house. 

Just pile it up either throw it out or donate it. If you want to give her a chance to get it, let her know how many days she has to come get it. then if she does not show up toss it.

Once her stuff is gone, your reation to it all will subside.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Get rid of whatever is left asap. It will make it easier to start your new life once the memories of your old life are gone.


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## RogerDA (Nov 3, 2012)

She has had plenty of opportunity to ask for things and she knows that I am cleaning out and remodeling soon. Unfortunately I still have to have a little contact with her. But aside from her mother most of her family have shunned her and still think of me as family.

I'm going to burn everything that would not be of use to someone else in need.

But here I am. 40 years old and starting all over again. I was with my sister-in-law (what do I call her now?) and her kids today and I just couldn't stop thinking about how I felt that I was getting too old to start a family now. And do I really want to marry another divorcee who already has children? I know. I'm getting way ahead of myself. I haven't even had sex yet!! Let alone started thinking about dating. Which I really have no plans on doing by the way. And my divorce isn't final yet either.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

RogerDA said:


> She has had plenty of opportunity to ask for things and she knows that I am cleaning out and remodeling soon. Unfortunately I still have to have a little contact with her. But aside from her mother most of her family have shunned her and still think of me as family.


It would still be a good idea to give her one last chance to get her stuff. You don't want to be accused of just chucking it out without notice - that would give her the opportunity to portray you as vindictive and unreasonable.

If you get on well with her family then why not get their help either with passing on the message that everything that is not collected is going, or with moving things out. they might well want to keep some of the stuff in the family - such as the wedding dress or old photos. Again, if you involve them then you cannot be portrayed as the nasty one.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So pack her stuff & give it to her family. You are getting ahead of yourself with worrying about the dating but I did the same thing - just take things one day at a time & try not to think too far ahead. You need to get past this stage before worrying about the next phase of your life.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Don't even think about dating until way after your divorce is final. Your head won't be in the right place.

You will have your bad days and good days. The bad days hit out of nowhere and usually hit hard. Something triggers you or you just wake up and its one of those low days. What I do is just keep myself busy on those days and remember tomorrow I will probably feel better.

I know where you're coming from. I'm 45, and starting from scratch in the country that I moved to to marry my STB ex, with a 8 yo special needs child to raise. I never imagined I'd be in this position. Its a tough spot but not an impossible one.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Loneliness comes up consistently as a tough feeling to deal with. It really hurts you to the core.

Is loneliness so different than say obesity. It seems to me that conditions that are bad have actions you can take to change them. Loneliness can be dealt with in a similar way. 

What actions? Meetups, doing things with friends, getting involved with volunteering. I felt like I had to comment here because I felt it over the weekend, the loneliness. I struggled to find something to do to break the feelings. It was scary as I have not felt that way in months.

I will not get caught off guard again. I will always have something to do to break the creeping in of loneliness. Even if I just go shopping, which I hate to do.

Good luck everyone, we will find the love and companionship we crave, I am sure of that.

Stretch


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