# My husband is "Mr Nice Guy". What can I do about it?



## Wanna get it right (Aug 14, 2012)

I am in my late 30's, been married 15 years, have children. My husband and I both avoid conflict, hate upsetting each other and consequently have now got a lot of unresolved problems on our hands.

My main problem, I think, is a fear of abandonment. I am afraid to upset him because he might leave. I'm working on that.

Part of the reason I have that fear is about 4 years ago, he did leave.

H has all this behaviour I don't get. Including saying everything is ok, then out of the blue telling me he doesn't know what love is, doesn't know if he wants to be married and he hates coming home. He works and lives away from home Mon - Fri and he's found this time on his own a relief.

When I read "No more Mr Nice Guy", It was like reading a roadmap of my husband. It described him so well, and better than that, it explained him to me.

The good news is, I no longer feel like he's left (he doesn't really come home now) because of me. I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders, and I no longer feel rejected, or fearful of him abandoning me.

The bad news is, I have no idea what to do now. I doubt he will go to counselling, or want to read the book, he has no close male friends, he's basically stuck in a dark hole and I have no idea how he can get out, or what I do.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like he sick of putting up with your crap so he would rather stay away!


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## Wanna get it right (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm not sure how that's suppose to be advice. 

And what exactly would be my 'crap' that he's sick of putting up with?

Have you even read "No more Mr Nice Guy"?:scratchhead:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Wanna get it right said:


> I'm not sure how that's suppose to be advice.
> 
> And what exactly would be my 'crap' that he's sick of putting up with?
> 
> Have you even read "No more Mr Nice Guy"?:scratchhead:


well are you demanding do you want things your way all the time do you desire him sexually. 

eventually even nice guys start thinking is this worth it I'm giving more than I'm getting


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## Wanna get it right (Aug 14, 2012)

1. Demanding.

No. If anything we are both way too passive about letting our needs or wants be known. 

2. Sexually

Yes, I desire him. And I let him know that I desire him.

So have you read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy"?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I haven't read the book, but I think that the first thing to try to accomplish is to help him get to the place where he is receptive to your suggestions about reading material, or ways to work together to overcome some of the problems. Sounds like he is the type to hide his real feelings, avoiding awkward or serious discussions, until he blows up and responds in a way that is over the top.

Do you think that you could be receptive to his feelings if you ask him to talk freely to you? If so, you can encourage him to read up on how to discuss troublesome topics without making them personal. Focus only on how a situation makes him feel, and never second guess your real intentions. My wife and I once worked through a marriage counselor at a time that I was going through a midlife crisis. The counselor encouraged us to set up a time several times per week where we talked openly, with no accusations, but only about how we feel about certain things that are going on. The most important part was that the one listening had to promise to be receptive, and keep emotion out of the response. The one bringing up a hurt feeling had to promise to approach it with the assumption that the other had no hurtful or petty motivations, as if the when you hurt his feelings, it was not intentional, or it was a part of a misunderstanding of needs. It was an intentionally short time, and we set the expectation that the subject would not come up again until our next "safe time".

Show him that you can be receptive. Expect him to learn from this, and do the same. But agree to avoid the really big issue until you are both ready to address them. If you can get him to the place where he trusts you when you suggest reading material, it might start a process of healing for him.


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## Wanna get it right (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks Halien for your response.

Here is a bit size quick summary of Mr Nice Guy. 

From the book: "They all believe that if they are
"good" and do everything "right," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life."

Mr Nice Guy minimizes or hides all his needs, because deep down he thinks if someone really knew him, they would reject him. So my husband won't stand up for his needs, tell me what he needs or wants and silently suffers, believing he is doing the right thing. However, suppressing them doesn't make them go away, so after a time - 6 months, two years, he blows up and wants out.

He feels like he gives, gives, gives. Like he is constantly trying to please me, yet I am never happy. He will avoid conflict, apologize if there is a problem, even if he isn't at fault, just to smooth things over. He compromises who he is, and what he wants and believes, to try to mold himself to what he thinks I want. He does this believing that I wouldn't like who he really is, but if he tries to be who I want him to be, then I'll love him. When he started working away from home, 6 months ago, he noticed that when away from home, he felt free, relief, like a burden was off his shoulder. He no longer had to pretend, or try to please anyone, or strive to do things 'right'. He didn't have to compromise. 

From this, he became very confused, and thought that maybe he would be happier on his own, maybe he doesn't love me, because he feels happier without me, yet he still missed me. He is very confused at the moment.

Now, from my point of view:
I don't want him to compromise, try to become someone else, try to earn my love or suppress his needs and wants. I want him to be himself. 4 years ago when we went though this same thing, I realised I had wanted him to be different that I was always comparing him. One of my changes I had to make back then was to either quit the marriage or love him unconditionally, warts and all. The funny part was, as soon as I accepted him completely, as he was, I was relieved, happier and able to respect him for who he was, not deride him for who he wasn't.

He currently has a belief that I shouldn't love him. That he isn't worth loving. I think he feels guilty for feeling relief from not being with me. However, that burden he has been carrying, I did not place on his shoulders and I can not take it off. He has to. I just don't know how to get him to see what he is doing, and why.

I was rusty, but over the last fortnight we have both been able to listen to the other share their feelings. However, when he is away, he won't talk on the phone. Or call me, or contact me in any way. 

I just don't know what to do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm married to a Mr. Nice Guy and I think your problem is you're married to an UNHAPPY nice guy.

These are two totally different problems. Nice guys typically are pleasers meaning they do whatever they have to in order to keep their wives happy.

UNHAPPY men on the other hand BLAME their wives for their misery and say things like "I don't know if I want to be married". They think something outside of themselves with cure their ills.

You can't make anyone happy and that book while it might be your husband it won't help your situation at all. Do you know why he's so unhappy?


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## Wanna get it right (Aug 14, 2012)

Well, considering I had no idea he was unhappy until a fortnight ago he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married, no.

Before I read "No more Mr Nice Guy" I would of said he had a taste of freedom, and preferred the single life than that of a man who has responsibilities or has to look after anyone other than himself.

The stupid part is, we went away just the two of us only 6 weeks ago, for a whole week to celebrate our 15th anniversary. Everything seemed ok. When I asked him about it later, he said he was just trying to make things work.

mind you, he still wants to have sex with me, just not let me hug him or touch him during the day.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wanna get it right said:


> mind you, he still wants to have sex with me, just not let me hug him or touch him during the day.


Are you okay with this?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ok, dig deep here... you are both passive... I feel this hurts more than it helps generally.... someone has to be able to take this bull by the horns, open up a dialog that he is not going to RUN from.... getting him to sit down, come to the table and start uprooting some of these "buried" resentments -due to a lack of talking to each other in honesty -over all of these years. 

You said he left in the past... WHY ? What were the issues then??


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

mind you, he still wants to have sex with me, *just not let me hug him or touch him during the day.
*
--some times , women do similar stuff...

so this guy seems like "he just wants you or anything, only n strictly when he wants !! 

highly selfish and slightly of some genre of OCD...too very demanding of his "worth"..phew.....!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like he sick of putting up with your crap so he would rather stay away!


What do you know about OP? that was incredibly hostile


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> What do you know about OP? that was incredibly hostile


just what she wrote and thats what I saw its wasn't hostile at all just an observation and reflecting how I would act when I"m sick and tired of putting up with somones shet!


and who are you to question me about mt responces ,,,,this is a public fourm and sometime the truth hurts .

thats what make it usefull in my opinion ...is that you get responces for all angles not just the cutsey ones who agree with you from hearing one side of the story. 

and I stick with my first responce .....thats how I see it.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

I am a Nice Guy just starting my journey to change.
I hope my point of view can help you.

I can almost guarantee he wants you to touch him during sex. This however makes him feel good, and that is bad. His goal in life is to do things for you. If he gets satisfaction from it, that means he is not doing his job.
It sounds confusing, and it is to everyone else. But it makes perfect sense to us.

You should really try and get him to read the book. You may also need to try and force him to do things for himself. It's friggin difficult though. Lots of alone time will be good for him, but make sure he knows you are happy about it.

Good luck


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

nice guys get conditioned to just put up with their wives because their wives bit*ch about everything that don't go their way so the nice guy just keep plugging away trying to make her happy thinking that they will apreicate them and treat them they way they need to be treated but the non nice wife just keep on bit*ching or should I say complaining until the husband gives up and ignors her.....it a defence mechanism of sorts.


most wives who are like this don't even realsie it they make a mountian out of a mole hill on almost everything that come their way it their nature to bit*ch. 

this sounds like a classic example to me!


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

I wanted to ask if your husband and yourself for that matter are you seeking individual therapy? It sounds like unless you get that individual help and then possibly marriage counseling could make the difference.

Speaking from experience with Depression. I found that talking to my therapist and seeking medication I made a big change. It sounds like you both are going to keep going thru the same cycle until each addresses your own issues.

It seems like you both let things go way too long! If you want to save your marriage and save yourselves you need to fix yourself first before you can even begin to fix your marriage. I have been married for 12 yrs and it has been hard. 

I oftentimes such my husband out and expected too much of him and when I finally saw what it was doing to my kids 9 and 6 I broke down got the help I needed and my marriage has turned itself around. All of that worked itself out because I did counseling individually and together and got on medication. Most importantly it worked because we both wanted to save our marriage and when you truly want it you'll stop at nothing to make it right.

Each of you needs to want to change and make things better and seek help if no one is willing to do that then why are you still together???


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

It's over. Move on.
Life is too short. 
What are you waiting for...? 
Life is waiting for you, with it the happiness you deserve. 
He will find his too. 
Release! Divorce isn's a bad thing if the relationship is not working.
It just is.


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