# Do They Ever Tell the WHOLE Truth?



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...

I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.

Do they ever tell the whole truth?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

anonymous1978 said:


> Do they ever tell the whole truth?


From my experience, no. My divorce lawyer made an interesting statement a few days ago. He said my husband couldn't tell the truth at this point because he doesn't even know what it is. People who lie to cover things up lose all track of reality. I've yet to get the whole truth out of my stbx. I actually have a better idea of what the WHOLE truth is than he does.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

wow...that is pretty scary. But I can see how that happens. The excuse I keep getting is that he "doesn't remember"...I can't tell which is worse. Lying about a pretty, young girl "forcefully" kissing you in a dark hallway, or feeling so little guilt that you don't even remember it happened!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Exactly.....or getting details differently each time the story is told? I've gone through both "can't remember" and "can't get the story straight". Either way or both equals no credibility.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

being that we're not even married yet....7 ignorantly blissful years together, we bought a house together and I had moved to his hometown... what would your wise divorce attorney recommend to a 31 year-old who feels like she just wasted 7 years trying to create perfection only to realize it was all a farce?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

consider yourself lucky if there are no kids out of this relationship. I would just walk away and don't worry too much about wasting 7 years. You are still young and you have your life ahead of you to live.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

It is easy for me to think to myself that I need to walk away, but it is so much more difficult to actually DO it. 

What would be your reasons for recommending this? I am at the point of feeling like I have lost all perspective and need outside influence/advice to help me gauge the severity of the situation. When he "explains away" each incident...I feel myself believing him. But when I am on my own and thinking about the things that he has admitted to...I am astonished that I am even still talking to him! 

It is SO confusing and heartwrenching!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

anonymous1978 said:


> being that we're not even married yet....7 ignorantly blissful years together, we bought a house together and I had moved to his hometown... what would your wise divorce attorney recommend to a 31 year-old who feels like she just wasted 7 years trying to create perfection only to realize it was all a farce?


LOL. My wise attorney just keeps reminding me I was the one who chose to marry the sorry, lying, cheating jerk. So, my attorney would tell you life is about choices. You have a choice to put 7 years behind you and find something better or waste 8 (9, 10, 11....) years.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

do they all promise that they love you...and only you..and it didn't mean anything...and they didn't want to hurt you...and it will never happen again...?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Actually not. My husband of 25 years has never been remorseful. And he blamed me for causing him to behave this way.:scratchhead:


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

hmmmm...that's a tough one. for those of us that take things very personally (as I do...) that kind of blame can't be good for the soul...


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

YES!!!! They all tell you that....the abusive ones that is. Cheating and lying is nothing more than severe emotional and mental abuse. This may seem harsh or even want to make you be defensive....but it is the truth. Think about it...his lies, stories, excuses have actually made you feel crazy, right? Are you crazy....NO! But you get to the point that you feel that way because of what he is putting you through....that is abuse! No person who truly loves their spouse will put their own needs and desires above the one they love. There is always two sides to a story...but nothing justifies cheating in my mind. NOTHING....and I have been the cheater....and I had good "reasons” and I was WRONG!!!! 

And YES....the abusers always tell you they love you and it will never happen again. You can tell when someone is truly sorry...they are devastated by their own actions....they can't eat and sleep because they feel so bad....they will do ANYTHING to help you feel better and re-gain your trust....and they tell the whole truth with nothing held back...and not "trickling truths". They are the ones who you can trust again.....not someone who is all talk and no action to repair what he messed up.

Best of luck....been there....done that....it sucks....it gets better....but you need to be with someone who will treat you right.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...
> 
> I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.
> 
> ...


 It probably isn't all of it. The first story I got (post discovery of her e-mails) was that it was just a "flirtation". I kept asking questions and getting answers that didn't add up. He sent her an e-mail NC the day after D-day but kept stonewalling for several days. Then he told me only part of the truth ( it only happened so and so). Finally after 10 months of questions he told me that it was in fact a 7 or 8 month PA. He told me that A. he was trying to protect me from pain and B that if he told me the truth he feared that I would leave him. I believe he was trying to protect himself far more than me, and he owed me the truth no matter the outcome. To betray is not an accident it is a choice, and a damn selfish one. It's very difficult to reestablish trust in someone who can talk themselves into cheating. The only way to do that is for him to tell you the whole truth and continue to do that.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Nope.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

oaksthorne said:


> It probably isn't all of it. The first story I got (post discovery of her e-mails) was that it was just a "flirtation". I kept asking questions and getting answers that didn't add up. He sent her an e-mail NC the day after D-day but kept stonewalling for several days. Then he told me only part of the truth ( it only happened so and so). Finally after 10 months of questions he told me that it was in fact a 7 or 8 month PA. He told me that A. he was trying to protect me from pain and B that if he told me the truth he feared that I would leave him. I believe he was trying to protect himself far more than me, and he owed me the truth no matter the outcome. To betray is not an accident it is a choice, and a damn selfish one. It's very difficult to reestablish trust in someone who can talk themselves into cheating. The only way to do that is for him to tell you the whole truth and continue to do that.


This rings very true with my situation. Same explanations, same words, similar time frame for the truth to come out. How did you get him to finally confess after 10 months? It has taken me 7 months of pressure and manipulation and becoming the kind of woman I never thought I would be to even get some of the truth...


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I never have or ever will get the full truth from my husband. I knew about his PA but it wasn't until a month later I found all the sex sites he was registered under. When I confronted him, the only comment I got out of him was something to the effect of "You weren't horny when you were on antidepressants and it's tough for a guy to meet girls online"
No apology, no nothing. It was like "Ok you found out? So what?" kind of attitude


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Wow...you think you know someone so well for so long and they turn around and show a side of themselves that you never saw coming! I feel such a disconnect from him after learning that our boundaries are so different and what he considers a "joke" I consider cheating!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No, they never tell the whole truth.

That would be a huge contradiction. It's against the very nature of who and what they have become. 

Water is wet, the Sky is blue, cheaters lie.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

put youself in the cheaters place for a minute, imagine you with a new exciting lover, how would you feel emotionaly? what little things might you say in a passionate time?? what things would you try that you really dont want to with your good old familiar spouse??? NOW say that you get caught, what would you tell?? NOT ALL THOSE LITTLE SWEET THINGS! NO WAY!! you would say what??.....think about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is very rare you get the entire truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> do they all promise that they love you...and only you..and it didn't mean anything...and they didn't want to hurt you...and it will never happen again...?


Yes. My H said this word for word except the "It will never happen again" and apologizing. 

Anony...have you considered getting some individual counselling?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Do they ever tell the whole truth? 
Absolutely NO !!!!!!!
End of story !!!


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Bird, you make a really good point about why the whole truth never comes out. It seems to me that he does not understand what his lies have done to my psyche and our relationship. Do they ever understand? Or at least not until someone does it to them?


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> Bird, you make a really good point about why the whole truth never comes out. It seems to me that he does not understand what his lies have done to my psyche and our relationship. Do they ever understand? Or at least not until someone does it to them?


they can if they want to, they have to educate themselves so they know your "crazy" questions ETC. are NORMAL and not just you asking for the wrong info that the cheater very well might think would just hurt you more. and your right He really does not understand the pure agony your in. tell him HE CAUSED THIS so it is his responceabilty to learn what you need to heal, I found good articals online for my wife to read, it helped her and in turn is helping me, I am still devistated and no where over it but I will be. Should You Tell Your Partner About Your Affair? | About Affairs


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I guess my next question for the long-term survivors...those who have stayed in the marriage/stayed together...

do you ever REALLY move on and get over it? I can't imagine fully trusting him ever again...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I imagine one never forgets.



anonymous1978 said:


> Do they ever understand? Or at least not until someone does it to them?


I don't think someone will understand the true gravity of their actions until they 1. own it and/or 2. it happens to them.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> This rings very true with my situation. Same explanations, same words, similar time frame for the truth to come out. How did you get him to finally confess after 10 months? It has taken me 7 months of pressure and manipulation and becoming the kind of woman I never thought I would be to even get some of the truth...


There are some very good articles online about what a cheater should do if they want to save their relationship. I printed them and he read them. The very first instruction was to "stop lying". He mulled it over and I kept saying that I "felt " that he had not told me the whole truth. I pointed out to him that whatever his relationship was with the OW , the time had been stolen from me, and I wanted it back. I told him that she has no right to have any secrets from me, and he was allowing her to have them. I told him that as long as he seemed to protect her privacy, I did not accept that he was being loyal to me. I went away for a few days and when I came back he said he was ready to level with me.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

No, it appears that they never tell the whole truth, even if confronted with evidence and their story is punched with enough holes for a cruise ship to glide through.

Just yesterday, I found part of a chat archive from last Friday between my wife and the OM that she had a one-time (or so I know about for 100% certainty) PA with last June. I was out of town for work. In the chat, he mentioned that he has "always" enjoyed himself when they've had sex. She said that's good to hear, because he's not very vocal so she can "never" tell that he's enjoying himself, to which he replied that they havent had anyplace where he can be vocal. They agreed to meet...location, his choice. He suggested they meet atthe school "again," unless she'd found a new dark corner. The school in question being around the corner from our house, but he lives far away. Yet he only needed a street name reminder for how to get there.

When faced with this, she claims that she didn't meet him Friday, that they had sex only the one time I know about for sure, he knows the school from taking pictures there for his photography side gig (keep in mind, HE picked the school to meet at, and it was never mentioned by name), and that the implication of multiple meetings that the chat's language gives was just a "poor choice of words."

When discussed in MC this morning, the counselor even said her story doesn't add up, at which point, my wife added more details that made her even harder to believe. He overheard her say she'd cancelled the "girls' night" she planned because no one could come, so decided to contact her for a hookup. When I questioned how he could have gotten her yahoo ID, which is new, when she's not supposed to be communicating with him, she said he must have gotten it from her Facebook page...until I reminded her that he's been blocked from viewing her page since last summer, when I found out about the PA.

So, yeah...I wouldn't hold my breath expecting the full truth. You'll just pass out from lack of oxygen.

At which point, they'll probably take the opportunity to cheat again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

ok, sounds like they will for sure, keep your camcorder handy! when she is out check the school! you know cells can be tracked!! come up with some guys nights out type of deal and wait around the school. you'll catch them if your vigilant!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Unfortunately, I'd need Doc Brown's DeLorean. That was this past Friday night, while I was a handful of states away. But, assuming we can make a go of this, a gps is definitely in our future (whether she knows it or not), and she's already been told that she will be faced with transparency requirements that would make Orwell's Big Brother look like a blind, deaf and mute disinterested party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Who really knows? A few days after d-day, my husband confessed on his own to make-out sessions with a co-worker 10 years ago. It was when he was traveling and shortly after we had our first child. It painted him in an even uglier light, now he had cheated twice and one time was when I was suffering post-partum depression. Not cool.

My husband said confessed all because he was tired of lying and secrets, he wanted to come clean. If we were going to try to rebuild, he didn't want any more lies. He thought telling me something he got away with years ago, might in some way prove he was being sincere. For some reason it did help me feel like I was no longer married to a stranger.

He took a gamble confessing the old affair. It was only 3 days after d-day and it could've put an end to any thoughts of reconcilliation. I'm still not sure I have the entire truth, but he's answered every question I asked and tried to offer up information on his own. He even tried to remember everything they ever did together, like lunches or going to a movie. But I'm sure there are omissions in regards to what they talked about. He probably doesn't want to confess or even remember every word said while sexting or lovely dovey emails they may have sent each other.

Now that it's been 3 months, he grimaces whenever something comes up or I ask another question. At this point he would love to forget it ever happened, including all the details. Now it's just a reminder of how stupidly he acted and low he sunk in character.

I don't know the answer to your question yet, but if we weren't married, had kids, and shared the last 17 years together.... I'm not sure I'd stick around long enough to find out.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I don't think so. Either to save them from further disgust(if the have remorse), or to protect your feelings. The truth is we weren't there to verify and corroborate the "truth." Whatever it may be.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, its like an iceberge. After a while you stop asking questions and they will tell you no lies. 
For me, I just stopped asking the point is after awhile it just gets old and the bottom line is they cheated and thats enough. Keep in mind my DS was very forthcoming, I just got tired of the BS and we moved on.

Its been 14 months and out of the 20 guys she slept with she still can't tell me how many time she sleep with a good friend of mine. Everything else is out there except for that one thing. What ever!

So my answer to your ? is no. Maybe its Gods way of protecting us from more pain IDK.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Nope. Cheaters are plausible, compulsive liars to all...the betrayed spouse, significant others, family, firends and anyone else who are hoodwinked into believing anything from their cheating mouths.

When you next here of someone having an affair, consider this...trust absolutely nothing they say to be true, because lies, lies and more lies has become an art form to the cheater. 

A DS is likely to even lie to their parents and if you happen to expose their cheating ways they'll hate you even more for exposing the truth. Lies is a way of life for a cheater, it gets worse, not better.

Trickle truth till the day they die....that's the real truth!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> Nope. Cheaters are plausible, compulsive liars to all...the betrayed spouse, significant others, family, firends and anyone else who are hoodwinked into believing anything from their cheating mouths.
> 
> When you next here of someone having an affair, consider this...trust absolutely nothing they say to be true, because lies, lies and more lies has become an art form to the cheater.
> 
> ...


As if you took the words out of my mouth and described my ex. He even lies about insignificant stupid things


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Lazarus said:


> Nope. Cheaters are plausible, compulsive liars to all...the betrayed spouse, significant others, family, firends and anyone else who are hoodwinked into believing anything from their cheating mouths.
> 
> When you next here of someone having an affair, consider this...trust absolutely nothing they say to be true, because lies, lies and more lies has become an art form to the cheater.
> 
> ...


Very true. We left one person off the list though--The OM/OW they are also lying to. The irony!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Oh yes, the husband has a memory worse than swiss cheese these days. It's more like that game "Perfection," only the holes have no bottom and none of the pieces fit anyway.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

RWB said:


> It's been year and half since finding out 6 years of my life were a stolen from me like some cheap charade. The truth... who the hell knows? I don't even ask much about anymore, it's a just a waste of time.
> 
> Now if the something triggers, all I get from her is...
> 
> ...


You took the words right out of my mouth! "years of my life were stolen from me"

It feels like I'm dreaming when I think about it too much. Like it is too awful to be true and I am just waiting to wake up.


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## Forgiveness (Mar 9, 2011)

This is just my experience. I was the one who messed up. Anyway, the trickle truth happened from me at the beginning, it took a few weeks of this and my husband said, This is your one free chance. You tell me everything that happened, I will not hold it against you. But this is the only chance you get for the whole truth. No other chances, if you want us to stay married I need all of it now........ I told him everything, even things I didn't want to tell him. Things the OM told me or said to me. My situation I was really drunk, and the OM's wife is the one who seen the OM try to kiss me after we had kissed earlier that night. so I told him what I could remember and I told him that. 

Also I work with the OM and he tried to talk to me about that night a few times. I told my husband things about our conversations that I really didn't want to tell him. Things this OM said to me etc. 

He still asks me on occasion if there was any sex. I told him the truth from the beginning and it will just take time for him to trust me again. There wasn't any sex and I do have to confirm that from time to time and that was August of Last year when all this happened.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I cannot imagine fully trusting him ever again. Does that feeling ever go away for those of you who have stayed together? If so, how long did it take?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Forgiveness, I offered my wife that same sort of amnesty on Monday: "If it happened more than the one time, tell me now. I can't be any angrier or more hurt than I am now, and I already assume you did it, based on the text of the chat. Tell me now, and it's all on the table. If you stick with your story, we make an honest go at fixing this marriage, and I later find out that it DID happen more than the once, that's a deal-breaker."

She's sticking by her flimsy, unbelievable story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forgiveness (Mar 9, 2011)

Grayson, I am sorry your in this situation. I already know I cant live with myself without telling him the whole truth. It would drive me crazy keeping a lie. I dont want that for me or for him. I needed to tell him for me to be able to move on as well. 

I also look at it this way. I messed up, I told him the truth, the whole truth and I am doing everything I can to fix it. If he dosen't forgive me (he says he has) then I know in my heart I have done all I can, except for not cheating at all. 

My husband is my best friend, we have been married 23 years this year. I really made a big BIG mistake and I am also having to forgive myself for it as well. (the forgiving myself I am still working on also)

Also, I now realize I spent the last year in the "Fog". I didn't really realize it until I came to these boards and starting reading everyone's posts. Not so much as I was in love with the OM (because I didn't feel that for him), but that I felt like it was ok spending all the time I was playing the game with the OM because we were just friends, even though I did know he felt more for me than just friends.

I do thank everyone on here for sharing their stories. It really helped me out. You guys made me see a lot more than I wanted to.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Forgiveness said:


> Grayson, I am sorry your in this situation. I already know I cant live with myself without telling him the whole truth. It would drive me crazy keeping a lie. I dont want that for me or for him. I needed to tell him for me to be able to move on as well.
> 
> I also look at it this way. I messed up, I told him the truth, the whole truth and I am doing everything I can to fix it. If he dosen't forgive me (he says he has) then I know in my heart I have done all I can, except for not cheating at all.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this post. It sounds like my H in many ways. He was in the fog too. I had a very hard time believing that he could love me and get involved with someone else, but every now and then a little light comes through ( Thank you for that), and I feel better for a time.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I have told him all the truth, there are still things he doesn't want to know about, but when he does, I will tell him everything. He on the other hand from my discovery on Sunday, was still being sneaky and duplicitous.


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## Doc (Apr 14, 2011)

◦"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what." Dr. House


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Doc said:


> ◦"It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what." Dr. House


this is true, we are human, and unfortunately very flawed.


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## aquamarine (Apr 13, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> do they all promise that they love you...and only you..and it didn't mean anything...and they didn't want to hurt you...and it will never happen again...?


Yes. At least my H did, and like you, I'm having a hard time wondering how I can ever trust him again. Also, I love the "it didn't mean anything"...um, yeah, actually it did. It meant that you disrespected me and betrayed the trust I placed in you.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

My first question is, would you want to know the WHOLE truth? I have come to the conclusion that knowing the whole truth wouldn't help... my husband recently confessed and answered every question I had - and I feel he was being truthful. However, I didn't get every little detail (though I try filling in the blanks in my head). The only answers I wasn't satisfied with was that it was "mutual" in how it started and "mutual" in how it ended. 

And, I think they do all tell you they love you so much and it will never happen again... my problem is, he had always told me he would never ever cheat, but here we are... 

As far as trickling truth, it sounds like there is a lack of commitment to starting fresh. If he was truly commited and wanting to start fresh, my opinion is that he would want to start clean... hope this helps.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Needing, I wanted to know every single detail. And I got it. And I regret so much "having" to know everything. 

My H never told me it would never happen again but he did say it was "not worth it." He didn't apologize though or I feel express remorse over it. The one good thing though was that he told me that it happened, I didn't find out on my own or from anyone else.

Now when he was looking for sex online on dating sites... I did find that out on my own. It sucked.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I have to honestly say that I DO want to know the WHOLE truth so that I can make an educated decision about what I need to do. 

NeedingPeace, you mentioned that you think if he was recommitted, then he would want to start clean...and that is also the way I think. Unfortunately, his desire for self-preservation and self-protection seem to override this.

I don't think I can trust him...I feel like I am living with a stranger.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it's because anon right now you are living with a stranger, the stranger is inhabiting the body of the person that you love.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The whole what? Even the truth is a lie in this circumstance. Hey I already know everything is my fault, I suck and etcetera and so forth.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

NeedingPeace said:


> he had always told me he would never ever cheat, but here we are...


I once asked my WH (somewhere around 8 yrs ago) if he ever cheated on me, would he tell me? His answer: No


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> The whole what? Even the truth is a lie in this circumstance. Hey I already know everything is my fault, I suck and etcetera and so forth.


what do you mean about "even the truth is a lie in this circumstance?"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

At this point there's so much garbage, noise and weepy emotions, there's no such thing as 'truth' any more. By the time a relationship catches on fire and crashes this badly, all you're doing is barking at one another or nursing your own hurt feelings. Whatever your partner tells you at this point, you can pretty much discard about 95% of it.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> At this point there's so much garbage, noise and weepy emotions, there's no such thing as 'truth' any more. By the time a relationship catches on fire and crashes this badly, all you're doing is barking at one another or nursing your own hurt feelings. Whatever your partner tells you at this point, you can pretty much discard about 95% of it.


wow...you don't like to sugar-coat things, do you? "Barking at one another or nursing your own hurt feelings" is a great description of what's happening now. I am assuming you are speaking from experience? Are you speaking from the betraying or betrayed side?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Neither. I just know what the slow grinding disintegration of a relationship looks like. All you wind up is afflicted with one another. 

It's like the Jack Nicholson character in "A Few Good Men"; 'Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.' 

Arrogant? Damn right. There's your truth.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I am not quite sure I understand the analogy...could you explain?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You get to the point where you don't want to hear the GOOD reason why your spouse treats you like garbage. That's their truth. And I couldn't care less what they think or why. You get to point where all you're willing to listen to is "Thank you" and then they move on and STFU. I get into these arguments with my wife. I can see it coming. She takes in a great big breath and gets ready to tell me what piece of **** I am and how it's my fault.

Know what? I don't care. Pick out a nice wall and bang you head on it. Tell your truth to the wall. 

Afflicted.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

i understand...i absolutely see your point. I must say I disagree so fiercely about his reasons for what her did, that I want to explose when he tries to tell me... I almost can't hear them.


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## ILOVEDHIM (Apr 18, 2009)

THEY LIE!!! My husband of 28 years had an affair got caught and lied for a year and a half that he was having nothing to do with her ...he lied to his kids , counclors and me!!!! Making me look like the crazy one who couldn't get over the affair he had and make our marriage work . My son asked him to look him in the eyes and tell him if he was having anything to do with her and he said NO abosoutly not and he hasn't had anything to do with her in 8 mos since I found out!!!! what he failed to tell my son was that he scheduled a hotel stay with her while he was suppose to be at work 150 miles away ...only four days prior to my son asking him to be honest with him.


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

I wish this were not so ~ but so it is.

Why do we keep believing in someone who lies?

This is a wretched way to live life ~ spending precious time trying to make sense out of nonsense. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I understand. Been there and doing the same thing: wondering about what's true.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

raising5boyz said:


> You can tell when someone is truly sorry...they are devastated by their own actions....they can't eat and sleep because they feel so bad....they will do ANYTHING to help you feel better and re-gain your trust....and they tell the whole truth with nothing held back...and not "trickling truths". They are the ones who you can trust again.....not someone who is all talk and no action to repair what he messed up.


This is where I have problems. I'm very passive and quiet. While I'm sorry about what I did, I'm not feeling all this devastation like my wife thinks I should or that is suggested I should feel in the above quote. She is very emotional. We are opposite extremes here to the max. So that makes me wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me and I should be feeling something more. If that is the case, why can't I get to that place? I eat and sleep just fine and that really is a problem for my wife as she sees that and thinks I'm not getting it and haven't really come to the point where she can accept that I am sorrowful about what happened.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

it's been another two months or so since my original post...and i hate to say that it has gotten worse and not better. Although he has been trying his best to make things better between us, I have not gained any more trust in him.

I think it may just be gone...how can someone ever trust a known liar?

How can someone LOVE a person they can't TRUST?


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

raising5boyz; Yikes there is slicing and dicing in what you have written. Absolute truth! No one that loves you would ever do these things to you and if they did they would be willing to crawl across hot coals/anything to remedy your pain, to love you back to regain the trust....

So sad to admit that that is not what is happening to most of us on this thread. We WERE the ones willing.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> it's been another two months or so since my original post...and i hate to say that it has gotten worse and not better. Although he has been trying his best to make things better between us, I have not gained any more trust in him.
> 
> I think it may just be gone...how can someone ever trust a known liar?
> 
> How can someone LOVE a person they can't TRUST?


You can't.
And you shouldn't.
Not in the sense that a marriage requires.
Trust requires communication.
Lying is a part of the breakdown of that communication.
There are usually other issues too, not just the lies.
What bothered me most and was my tipping part was having to lie to myself in order to accommodate his lies. Other people's lies don't bother me much. I am very centered. But lying to myself, in order to make life happen with someone else, that is literally crazy making. I have a built-in reflect against it. It's just impossible for me to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

anonymous1978 said:


> it's been another two months or so since my original post...and i hate to say that it has gotten worse and not better. Although he has been trying his best to make things better between us, I have not gained any more trust in him.
> 
> I think it may just be gone...how can someone ever trust a known liar?
> 
> How can someone LOVE a person they can't TRUST?


I guess what I'd be interested in knowing is does your husband really want to put 110% into the marriage and create a great future or is he just trying to buy time until his next escapade? You need to tell him that the "trickle truth" method doesn't help YOU move forward. Everytime he reveals bits of the details, it causes you to go back to the negative emotions which will overshadow any progress made.

Are you for certain there is nothing going on currently? You can't really love him like you intend until that trust is recreated. In order to do that, some "extreme precautions", as Dr. Harley calls it in his book, "Surviving An Affair", must be put into place. Also you need to have an opportunity to know the truth about whatever happened. You need an opportunity to ask questions to get everything out so that you can move forward. The trickle truth doesn't help.

Extreme precautions are things such as email/facebook/cell phone passwords, the ability to pop up at his job unannounced, being able to account for all money and time, etc. You guys also need to be spending more time together. If he's with you, how can he be with someone else. You guys need to start some exciting and fulfilling activities and enjoy life together. This will help recreate the connection that was created at the beginning by, you guessed it, spending time together. You see how that works? The same thing you did at the beginning is what is needed now.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Update...almost a year later, and I'm still here. More disclosures of more inappropriate interactions, and I'm still here. What the hell is wrong with me?!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been 2 yrs and I just got some trickel truth last month. Lucky for me the worst is past...that crap came a week after d-day.

I wish I had some great insight to it all but since the game has changed with regards to my marriage, I just make sure my fWW keeps her eye on the prize, and that prize is me.

Good luck on evaluating your sitch and making the hard choices that you may need to make in the near future.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> Update...almost a year later, and I'm still here. More disclosures of more inappropriate interactions, and I'm still here. What the hell is wrong with me?!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More TT? It's like pulling the band aid off a little at a time, prolonging the agony and preventing healing and True R. The question is, how much more can you take? You need to draw the line now, either *FULL DISCLOSURE (FD)* or R is off the table. 

I saw this on SI: Trickle Truth is the marriage killer.

As Scotty would say: "She canna take much more of this!"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think what alot of waywards don't see is the time to get this monkey off there back is now. Us as betrayed need to know what we are forgiving our waywrds for......if we can fogive them at all, but the effort must be made.

How do we get past something or move on with our waywards if we don't know exectly what we are working with?

Enough of the deciet already, time to let it all out and move on with or with out us. But I guess I'm preaching to the choir.

I guess I now know why I'm still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It could be fear. Fear that what they say will hurt you even more.

It could be that they are not over the A and they do not want to reveal more because it will bust up their fantasy that they are holding onto so dearly.

It could be that they stuffed memories.

Hel* it could be anything. Same reason as to why did they do it. 

I am trying to get my WS to tell me some things and she keeps telling me she does not remember. At least I got over 90% and that I was able to verify.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...
> 
> I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.
> 
> Do they ever tell the whole truth?


Well D day for me was in January. Last night I found out that the EA that I thought was a few months long was more than a year long, so Im going with No we never know the WHOLE truth.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No, you will never learn the whole truth. That much I have learned.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I absolutely agree that the trickle truth is a killer. Knowing he would lie to me and continue lying through my pain when he had the ability to end the pain is so much more painful than my knowledge of his unfaithfulness. 

Thorburn...I also get "I don't remember". The most recent truths that came out were things he claimed was wasn't lying about because he doesn't even remember them...


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> I absolutely agree that the trickle truth is a killer. Knowing he would lie to me and continue lying through my pain when he had the ability to end the pain is so much more painful than my knowledge of his unfaithfulness.
> 
> Thorburn...I also get* "I don't remember". *The most recent truths that came out were things he claimed was wasn't lying about because he doesn't even remember them...


...."I don't remember" is the most cowardly and convenient way for the WS to NOT admit that they are guilty of anything. Without admission....there's no need for an honest apology. When looking for the "details" I've gotten the "I don't remember" garbage for years. This, from a woman who often will tell people.."_Don't tell me what I said...happened...etc...because I have a flawless memory_". It seems that it's a selective memory to protect the guilty.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> It has taken me 7 months of pressure and manipulation and becoming the kind of woman I never thought I would be to even get some of the truth...


Anonymous, can I ask what pressure and manipulation you used? And also, what kind of woman have you become in order to get the truths? I am interested. Particularly if there are any tricks I could use that I haven't already.

My DD was nearly a year ago, I have just recently become absolutely convinced that there is more he is hiding. As convinced as I was when I forced the 'truth' out of him 1st time. I was ready to split if he was not straight with me. And I literally forced it out of him over the space of an hour and about 5 or more angry phone calls and many angry texts (we don't live together). I have told him again we are over. Been that way since Saturday, I am not budging. He thinks I will as I have always caved in in the past, but in the past we have only managed a few days split. This time though there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that there is more. And so I will not be continuing a relationship unless he comes up with the honesty goods. I still miss him though, other times not. In order to escape the trap of falling back into our relationship due to desperately loving and missing him, I have told him we have an open relationship and I will keep my options open. If he doesn't want that then it is no relationship. That is the only choice he has right now. That and for how long we continue like that, all depends on how long for him to come clean. I refuse to dedicate myself to someone who can do what he likes, and on top of that, I am pretty cold. Don't want to see him mostly, only when I have had a drink and fancy some sex. I will be informing him of my intention to look for a new date on Fri on one of those really awful dating sites. I know he is very very worried by my complete (almost) 180. He has never experienced me like this before.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

If they want trust they need to come clean about everything IMO.
Yes might it hurt us but we need to know the truth and all of it if we are going to R again MO. 
I have noticed when I ask MH a question he seems to sigh because he does not want to hurt me, well if that was the case then you should of not done what you did. But you did so I get to ask the questions. I just want the answers Im not mad Im just glad that he is being open with me. It's huge for us.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

anonymous1978 said:


> In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...
> 
> I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.
> 
> Do they ever tell the whole truth?



Yes, they will tell you the whole truth when they are desperate enough to want _you_ to keep them as a partners.

Until that time: Trickle truth.

The stronger your stance, your evidence, your actions, the earlier you will get there.

But if they see you as an asset with positive and negative points, _they_ keep you as long as it is beneficiary to them.


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## CHEATEDON12 (Jan 21, 2013)

Well from my experience.. YES THEY ALL "SAY" THEY LOVE YOU AND IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

How do you know this? And how do you know they are telling you the "entire" truth??

Cheating births doubt, distrust, hurt,o and uncertainty.. I guess we have to ask ourselves do we want to stay in the relationship and raise this baby or do we want to refuse to nurture such a thing and just walk away.

Do you agree with this.. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER?


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

About the truth, no. I was trickle truthed for 8 months, while at the same time launching my own investigation with no remorse. I dug into everything, and I mean everything. I think at this point I have a firmer grasp on the truth then my WW does. She would say things like "Yes I arranged a trip to meet with him at his hotel room, but I honestly didn't intend on having sex with him". Upon discovering her yahoo chat logs and deleted texts, she was discussing her fantasies with him about what they would do and how much she longed to be with him. Lies, even though in her mind it may seem that way or in fact just be more lies, the truth is right there in her own words. Helped him find a good rate on the hotel room, may or may not have sent him a golfer's gift basket for his room, etc etc. She knew, but somehow can't come to grips with the truth of her own actions.

Cheaters have shown more about themselves than most of us dare by their own actions. They have shown us that they can lie right to our face, abuse beyond belief the trust and faith we freely give them, and then plead the 5th when caught. Shameless behavior from the person who pledges to love you forever, you and no other.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

CHEATEDON12 said:


> Well from my experience.. YES THEY ALL "SAY" THEY LOVE YOU AND IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.
> 
> How do you know this? And how do you know they are telling you the "entire" truth??
> 
> ...


No I don't!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife does.

She is brutally honest. And sometimes that can be as hurtful as a lie or trickle truth, I think.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sure I don't know the whole truth. I'm sure there's more, but there comes a point when you have to move on. I've got the answers to the questions that I needed, the ones that played on my mind. Do I need all the gory details? No thank you. I don't. He had an A. He thought he loved here. It nearly ruined our family. That's about the gist of it. He answers when and if I ask, I'm not going to keep punishing him for ever. What's the point in reconciling if I do. We need to move on now and heal together!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No!


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