# Newlywed Problems.



## distance (Oct 30, 2011)

Hello all. New here.
Just needing some advice. I have been married for 6 months to the most wonderful woman in the world. We met by mistake online, she lived 1/2 way around the world! After painstaking efforts and delays. She is finally here in USA. We have been very happy. But lately I feel she is slipping away. I know she misses home, and she has no one else here to talk to. She is trying to find a job, but cannot yet until we get the work permit (in about a month). I dont know what to do. She is very smart, and beautiful. I am not as smart or pretty... She gave up so much to be here with me. And now I think she wants to go home. Our sex life has been good until recently as well. Something has changed in the past few weeks. I'm not really sure what I'm asking of you people, but I need to do something. I dont know where else to turn.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Talk to her. Ask her what's going on. She's the only one that can tell you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dark Nova (Apr 27, 2011)

I agree, you need to have a talk with your wife and find out how she feels. 
I just immigrated to the US and can't work until I get my permit and I have never felt so lonely and isolated and miserable in my entire life! 
I wish my husband would sit down with me and ask me how I am feeling and tell me that he appreciates what I have done for him.
Moving so far from everyone and everything I have ever known has been harder I thought it would be.
Please let your wife know that you love her and that she is smart and beautiful like you told us. 
Surround her with love and support and I will be hoping the best for you and your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DN, I'd advise you to initiate the discussion, if that's how you feel. Communication is a two way street; it's not fair to simply "wish" he would sit down and talk to you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

As everyone else said - ask her what's wrong. You can't solve a problem if you don't know what the problem is.


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## distance (Oct 30, 2011)

Thanks guys. I did ask her...
She said she misses home, she has no one here to talk to, and that I don't show her enough love.
Truth is, I have never loved someone so deeply as I love her. And I feel I do show her plenty of love, I always kiss her, hold her, tell her she's beautiful, bring her little gifts, flowers etc., I have never done that in my past relationships. I guess I need to do more... But how much more? How else can I show my love? I'm not good at this, I never have been.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should look into the love languages. Different people show love in different ways. For some, it's physical. Others, through gifts. Others, words. You both need to understand each others ways of showing love, and what it takes for you to feel loved.

You've taken a huge step in opening the door to communication. Now keep it open! Ask her what makes her feel loved. Talk to her about how the two of you can build a social network of friends.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distance (Oct 30, 2011)

OK, PBear. I just asked her "What do you need to feel loved?" Her reply was "Nothing, I feel loved". Now what? I feel like she hates me...


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## froggie (Oct 30, 2011)

distance said:


> OK, PBear. I just asked her "What do you need to feel loved?" Her reply was "Nothing, I feel loved". Now what? I feel like she hates me...


I say this to my husband all of the time. "You do not love me, yet you show love to me...You never buy me gifts, but you say you love me...I do not need anything else, just be here...". I say these confusing things because of depression. Is she depressed because of the distance she feels from here friends and family?That may be the reason why she is giving you mixed signals. Just a thought!


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## canary12 (Oct 13, 2011)

Hi Distance....

It must be really difficult for your wife to be so far from home, and in an entirely different culture. My husband and I come from two different language cultures, and I can understand a bit how that adds extra layers to the adjustments you have to make as a new couple. 

Are you connected to a church at all? There may be some women's groups there that would help her make some new friends. Also, not sure what's available in your community...but our public library system has a great network of language tutoring...you didn't mention what language/culture she's from, but perhaps she could teach or tutor people who want to learn her language. Seems like anything that would help her build some friendships would help her not feel so alone.

Not sure what your faith background is, but a helpful book I found (written from a Christian perspective) is called "Your Intercultural Marriage"... it gives some interesting info about verbal/nonverbal communication, and how to navigate differences in expectations, etc.

It sounds like you truly adore your new wife, and are trying so hard to communicate how much you love her. I think you're doing a great job!! Sincerely hope things get better for her (and the two of you) soon. Best wishes to you!


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

It is very good that you talked about it. Don't leave it there, keep talking. And even more importantly, let her know that you will always be there to *listen*.

I have been in a similar situation, as my husband moved from across the globe to live with me in my home country. It has been very challenging, at times horribly difficult. Everything from social culture, people's way of interacting with each other, pace of life, societies rules to weather was different for him here. Not to mention he has had to learn the language from scratch.

All this has taken and still keeps taking tremendous amounts of energy from him. He has felt very frustrated, at times hated it here, been angry at everything and everybody — also me for "bringing him here" — and even sinked into depressive episodes at times.

This hasn't been easy for me either, so I know your role in this is not easy. You love her, want to give her everything you can and the best possible life — but it's not all in your hands either. My husband is luckily very verbal about his feelings and has been able to talk about his feelings all the way through the experience. Countless of times he has stressed how important it is for him to be able to talk to me about the frustration — and feel my love and support in return. 

In the beginning I many times felt helpless or even sometimes angry at him for being angry at some local characteristics that I also share. It took me some time and working through, but I can assure you the best thing you can do for her is to *really try to put yourself in her shoes*. Being in your own environment surrounded by familiar things this isn't easy for you, as it wasn't for me, but every once in a while really calm down an conduct a thorough imagery exercise about what it feels like for her there. How does the place look to her? What do people sound like? How are they acting differently then what she is used to? Additionally, what it feels like to be alone in an unfamiliar place without a job or friends? Now, what kind of support would she then need from you in this situation?

Whenever I noticed I couldn't understand why my husband was so frustrated or sad about, I calmed down to really think about things from his perspective and it helped. It allows you to offer her empathy and genuine support. She needs to feel that you — her one and only rock in a foreign place — are actually there to support her and are on her side.

More over, there are ways you can _help_ your wife to adjust. Does she speak the language? If not, you can encourage her to study it, with you or in a group with others. Whatever friends and activities you have there, invite her to join them. Also you can try to find local groups or organizations that offer classes/groups/free time activities for immigrants/expats. Most bigger places nowadays have these, ask around if you can't find at first. They can be helpful as it might help her to share the experiences with others in the same situation. My husband never found friends in these, but he enjoy ranting about the weird parts of my culture with other immigrants. 

On the other hand, discuss what are her interests, would there be a hobby, a type of volunteer work, a sport that she might like. Then search for that kind of things in the area and encourage her, either with you or without you, to take part in some things. It is very frustrating to be in a foreign place without anything to do, without a purpose, without any connection to the surroundings. If you two could find her something that makes her feel needed or useful to the community or other people — and/or something where she can spend time and get to know locals — things can gradually start to seem brighter.

Immigration is an emotional roller coaster, and from personal experience I know it is not always easy to be the welcoming spouse either. She will need much support and also your effort to help her adjust. If things stay difficult for a long time, it can at times start to feel overwhelming for you as well, to always be her support when the situation is difficult for you as well. For this, make sure that you *both* are able to share your feelings about the immigration experience openly. 

Communicate about her and your feelings about the matter and, if she is willing to accept it, offer you help. It can also be frustrating if she doesn't know what she wants, doesn't agree with your suggestions or doesn't seem have the energy to help herself. It depends on your wife if what she then needs is more time and just loving support — or rather a tiny bit more encouragement to move forward. Listen to her, you'll figure it out.



Btw, I am speaking from experience also in the sense that by no means was I able act like this towards my husband from the beginning. We had several rough patches also due to the fact that I wasn't always able to see where he was coming from. 
So, learn from my mistakes: 
The sooner you can start to really put yourself in her situation finding empathy that way, and find open honest lines of communication about this, the better.

You're off to a good start, keep it up! 

Sorry this became horrendously long.


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## birri (Oct 20, 2011)

You could also learn her language... Write love notes in her language and suprise her. It may mean the world to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It could be that she's homesick and longing for what she knew (family/friends, etc). Can you start helping her get her resume together so that in a month when she gets her work visa, you can help her send it out to some places.
It could be she's depressed fro the homesickeness.
Sit her down and talk to her about it and ask how how she is feeling and ask what you can do to help/if there is anything you can do to help.


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## distance (Oct 30, 2011)

Thank you so much "tiredandout" I will try to put myself in her shoes. We have been doing much better lately, after talking through it. Things are starting to go back to "normal". She does speak the language very well, in fact she speaks 5 languages. She recently got some information and hope about becoming a teachers assistant,and then possibly a language teacher, which really lifted her spirits. 

We are not involved in any church, nor do we have plans. Our beliefs are similar, but not practiced by any means.

birri, I have tried to learn her language, it is very difficult. I know some, but I feel I'm just too old to start to learn something like that. 

Thank you Jellybeans, Good advice.

Thank you all for your words. It's amazing to me how strangers can be so helpful.


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## AnotherConfusedHubby (Nov 1, 2011)

Talk to her, definitely. Slightly off subject... I hope Dark Nova isn't actually your wife as she just immigrated to the US and seems to be in the same general situation as your wife!!!!!!!!!!


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## distance (Oct 30, 2011)

AnotherConfusedHubby	
Re: Newlywed Problems.
Talk to her, definitely. Slightly off subject... I hope Dark Nova isn't actually your wife as she just immigrated to the US and seems to be in the same general situation as your wife!!!!!!!!!!

She very well could be... But I seriously doubt...


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