# Husband wants me to quit my job! Opinions?



## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

My husband and I are married almost 6 years and I am a professional ballroom dancer as well as teaching dance. I have been dancing since I was three years old, I am now 30 and its still my passion. My husband on the other hand has grown to dislike it mostly because I dance with another man but Ive been dancing with him 10yrs now and we have won many competitions together. I was away in Europe last month for two weeks and wasn't in much contact with my husband because of my schedule and his, he travels and is busy with work also but I missed him so much and contacted him every chance I got. When I got back he told me that the separation from me was hard for him. Yesterday we were talking and he brought up the idea of me giving up dancing for good as he can financially support us both. This lead to an argument because I love it and I wont consider it, its my life! We have agreed to not have children and my husband is 12 years older than me and he is has always been a little insecure about that. I know I cant dance forever but I want to do what I love while I can. Is he wrong to ask this of me? For over 5 years I thought he was ok with it but he told me deep down he wasn't. Can we find a compromise on this? Advice please?


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Two questions:

1. Does your husband thing you have cheated on him with your dance partner?
2. Did you cheat on him with your dance partner?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Certainly the choice is ultimately yours whether you decide to quit or not. 

If you quit, you may become resentful and unhappy with your husband. 
If you stay, he may become more angry and frustrated with your decision. 

Would it matter to your husband if your dance partner was straight or gay? 
Would he still be insecure if your dance partner was gay? 



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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Can you do your job without being away for two months?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My advice: don't quit. It's your passion, and you should continue to follow it. Besides, you can dance a very long time, or teach if you don't compete. One of my dance instructors was 90 years old, and going strong - in large part because dance had kept her healthy.

I would suggest a compromise, if it's viable for you: travel less, or have your husband come along. His insecurity is his issue to resolve, unless there has been any improper behavior on your part. If not, then you will resent him trying to control you and your career. Or maybe he could quit his? You may have to live more frugally, but it's an equally viable option, IMO.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yes, he's wrong. This is who you are. He is trying to change who you are, rather than admit he married someone he doesn't support wholeheartedly. If you gave up dance, you'd be resentful, perhaps gain weight, and still not be what he wanted in a wife.

You'd been dancing with this partner for four years before you got married. If your husband had any qualms or jealousy before the wedding, he should have dealt with it then, not ask you to change a fundamental part of yourself six years later.

Not to mention, he travels for work, and that's not a problem. So why shouldn't you be able to travel for work too?

I'd also worry about a guy who has been hiding this for five years. Have you tried counselling to deal with his insecurities?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he jealous of your success? Envious of your trophies and the fact that you are at the top of your game?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Offer to take a lie detector test..........To the effect:

You have not cheated and have intention of cheating on him.

His sin?

1) He is jealous.
2) He is fearful.......insecure.
3) HE LOVES YOU>>>>>>>>>>>DOES NOT WANT TO SHARE YOU>>>>>>>>>>DOES NOT WANT TO LOSE YOU. Brush aside the controlling aspects.....those are good qualities in a husband.

If he were INDIFFERENT.......uh, then you should be concerned.

Show him that he IS LOVED, however you can.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You went to Europe for 2 weeks with another man? No I don't think I'd be ok with that.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You went to Europe for 2 weeks with another man? No I don't think I'd be ok with that.


Then you would probably choose not to marry a professional dancer with an established partner who frequently travels overseas to competitions.

This guy did. He can't change the rules now.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Then you would probably choose not to marry a professional dancer with an established partner who frequently travels overseas to competitions.
> 
> This guy did. He can't change the rules now.


Well!

You are Hopeful and I am a Cynic! Her husband [DH] has lived this Ground Hogs Day for six years. I give this poor man a Gold Medal for his trust and patience.



She has two husbands. The one at home........the one at work.

DH hugs her at home........OM hugs her at work [dancing].

She gets all sweaty with DH at home for 20 minutes or so a couple of times a week, never any practice sessions..............she gets all sweaty with OM practicing for hours at a time, day after day.

The other man brings DH's wife close to his body, over and over.......do you think OM has no sexual thoughts when he squeezes her, when he looks deep into her eyes, when he smiles at her, when he bends her WAY OVER?

Do you want us to believe that YOU have no sexual thoughts when this very, very familiar man presses his hot, firm and athletic body against yours for hours at a time?

You go away with this "other man" for weeks at a time. You have breakfast, lunch and dinner with another man. You stay at the same hotel. What is wrong with this picture?

It reads bad in English, French and even in Copenhagen.

I would be CRAZY with jealousy.......no ifs ans or tight butts about it.
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Now, I will flip this on you, Dear.

What if your husband went to another country with another women. They stayed in the same hotel........and he held this women very close to his body for hours at a time. Do you think he would get a hard-on....now and then, when he looked into her eyes, and so close? When he smelled her steamy perfume and womanly body scents? 

Oh, and this went on for TEN GAWD-DANG years!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He knew that this was your life before you were married, so it is unreasonable for him to insist that you change now. 

For your part you should do everything you can to make sure that your dancing relationship stays clearly professional.


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## shaybib (Sep 13, 2016)

you should do what makes you happy. he should want you to do what makes you happy.
if you quite prematurely he will have a bitter not satisfied wife.
i am sure he will not like it


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm assuming she's a ballroom dancer? 

She should keep doing what she is doing, but she should also give up the expectation of having any kind of normal marriage to someone who is not her dance partner. 

How many of us TAM guys would honestly say that we would be comfortable having a beautiful, fit wife who travels to romantic, exotic places, and spends her days with a fit, hunky male dance partner amongst other beautiful, fit, competitive, passionate people and not feel insecure about her ability to be faithful. 

This woman is immersed in a world of beauty, exoticism, excitement, passion, sensuality and eroticism (yes) and she travels away from home for weeks at a time with a hunky male partner. 

I want one TAM guy to step forwards and tell us he is secure enough to allow his wife to do this. 

Neither she or her husband need to be married to anyone. You cannot travel all year round, stay separated from your spouse for weeks, and expect to have trust and steadiness. 

Maybe I'm wrong, but I couldn't live with this. Does that make me an insecure, jealous caveman?


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Seppuku said:


> Two questions:
> 
> 1. Does your husband thing you have cheated on him with your dance partner?
> 2. Did you cheat on him with your dance partner?


*I certainly hope not*! I have given him no indication that I would ever do anything like that to him and I can honestly say hand on my heart that I would *never* do anything like that to him and I hope and trust that he would never do so to me. 

I love my husband dearly and it took a lot of persuading on my side originally have him agree to go on a date with me because he thought he was _"too old for me"_.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Yes, he's wrong. This is who you are. He is trying to change who you are, rather than admit he married someone he doesn't support wholeheartedly. If you gave up dance, you'd be resentful, perhaps gain weight, and still not be what he wanted in a wife.
> 
> You'd been dancing with this partner for four years before you got married. If your husband had any qualms or jealousy before the wedding, he should have dealt with it then, not ask you to change a fundamental part of yourself six years later.
> 
> ...


Thank you!:smile2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> This woman is immersed in a world of beauty, exoticism, excitement, passion, sensuality and eroticism (yes) and she travels away from home for weeks at a time with a hunky male partner.


LOL. How do WE know he's 'hunky?' He could have a face that would scare a pit bull off a meat wagon and still be a wonderful dancer. 



> I want one TAM guy to step forwards and tell us he is secure enough to allow his wife to do this.


Well, her husband SIGNED UP for it because she's been doing it all her life, so he knew about it from the first day he met her. 



> Neither she or her husband need to be married to anyone. You cannot travel all year round, stay separated from your spouse for weeks, and expect to have trust and steadiness.


Who said she's traveling 'year round?' She said she was in Europe for 2 weeks while her husband was ALSO traveling for business. There's nothing else in her post that says she travels "year round." She said over the years she's won many competitions with her partner, but that doesn't mean she went away for 2 weeks each time she did it.



> Maybe I'm wrong, but I couldn't live with this. Does that make me an insecure, jealous caveman?


Not at all. But that's why YOU didn't marry a ballroom dancer with an established partner of 10 years - because it wouldn't work for you. But the OP's husband *DID* knowingly marry such a person. It's not like this is a 'hobby' she just picked up last year.

OP, never let anyone take your passion because they're too insecure to deal with it.

Secondly, never make the mistake of becoming financially dependent on a man. Things can change in an instant and where would you be? But more so, if anything were to happen and you ended up divorcing for whatever reason, you'd have to depend on him for alimony for at least a period of time. And your husband would probably be yet another of the bitter ones posting on "He-man Women Haters" message boards about how women suck men dry with alimony and how unfair life is and women are the enemy and blah blah blah - even though HE'S the one who wants you to quit and become dependent on *him*. Funny now that works. :laugh:

Don't do it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think you should offer your husband an amicable divorce. He misguided you about his true feelings and should never have married you. You need to be free to pursue your passion. Sometimes you cannot have everything Oksana. 

There are many, many women who are in industry, government, entertainment and positions of power who refuse to get married. Simply because they know they do not have time or ability to dedicate themselves to the arduous, hard work of being married. I actually admire women like that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

A few questions:

1. How many times per year/month are you traveling? 

2. How far do you usually travel?

2. Has your dancing (competition) frequency increased over time in your marriage?

4. Does he come to your competitions? Is this difficult due to his work? 

5. How much time do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you, in comparison to your dancing/teaching. 

While I think we should all be free to follow our dreams, you are married to a man that very likely wants a wife that will not be far away often. I travel 1-2 times a month for 3-4 days at a time. Not every month, but most. It's the nature my job, which I had before I was married so my husband knew exactly what my life would be like. If I got a promotion, it's very likely that I would have to travel more, and I already know my husband would not be ok with this. I would not be ok with this, either. I never want our bond to decay because we can't spend enough quality time together. 

I also think that it's a very poor idea for a woman to have no source of her own income. I would not be ok if my husband told me to just rely on him alone. One, it puts all the burden on him and two, it makes my chances of finding work in the future much harder if something bad were to happen. 

Would you be open to focus more on teaching?


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. How do WE know he's 'hunky?' He could have a face that would scare a pit bull off a meat wagon and still be a wonderful dancer.
> 
> 
> Well, her husband SIGNED UP for it because she's been doing it all her life, so he knew about it from the first day he met her.
> ...


Thank you for the for that!  

I don't intend to become dependant on him, I have worked very hard to better my life from what I grew up with and I thought he was supporting me like I did him. He started his business from the ground up and I was there by his side giving him my full support even through his hard times, I never doubted him but now that he has made it and become secure with money he throws this in my face. I'm sure it sounds over the top but I feel devastated.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Satya said:


> A few questions:
> 
> 
> 1. How many times per year/month are you traveling?


Start of the year I travel for one week maybe every 4 weeks or so, Summer I mostly have off as well as Christmas time. Autumn is busy and I can be gone for two weeks at a time every six weeks. Its hard to explain as it can change frequently. 




Satya said:


> 2. How far do you usually travel?


I mostly travel around the US as does my H for his work. The furthest I travel is mostly is Russia but I have been to Australia a few times.




Satya said:


> 2. Has your dancing (competition) frequency increased over time in your marriage?


No I don't think so.



Satya said:


> 4. Does he come to your competitions? Is this difficult due to his work?


When he can he will attend them especially in the US, rarely he will go to Europe despite me asking him because I call him my good luck charm ha.



Satya said:


> 5. How much time do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you, in comparison to your dancing/teaching.


I think when it is not busy between us we spend a good amount of bonding time together, We will go on vacation together or just lock ourselves away at home but despite that if his phone calls regarding his job he will leave to attend to it regardless of us suppose to be spending time together so I cant see why he is p!ssed with me!? When we are suppose to be spending time together I shut out everything else, him... not so much!


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

He knew you were a competition dancer when he married you so he shouldn't be able to change the rules. You should continue to dance in competitions.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I think you should make more of an effort to bring him along on more trips. If you guys can live with one income then you can afford a few extra trips under two incomes.

You mention when you are away it's tough to communicate with each other due to work schedules, time zones. More of an effort should be made to set up specific times to talk that works for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I want one TAM guy to step forwards and tell us he is secure enough to allow his wife to do this.


I'm sure Dug would be fine with it.

OP, please do not quit for your husband. This really is his issue to deal with, his insecurity to resolve. A supportive, secure husband would trust you and be happy that you are able to do work you love. 

I cannot see any reason to expect or accept less from him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I want one TAM guy to step forwards and tell us he is secure enough to allow his wife to do this.


Me. 


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Can you do your job without being away for two months?


Would you ask a man that same question? 

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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

One thing to consider here is that both OP and her partner are professional dancers at a very high level, not high school show choir members. As professionals they know their expectations and responsibilities. If OP quits her partner is toast, it's not like he'll put an ad on the paper for a new partner. 

OP's husband should travel a bit more and trust a lot more. She's not traveling selling vacuum cleaners, she's competitive at a world class level. 

Getting such a job is a dream for little girls from age 5 on. A handful make it. My daughters piano teacher did, and is a renowned piano performer and college level teacher her husband had no issue with her traveling, but often joined her.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> There are many, many women who are in industry, government, entertainment and positions of power who refuse to get married. Simply because they know they do not have time or ability to dedicate themselves to the arduous, hard work of being married. I actually admire women like that.


But men in those same positions expect to have their wives waiting at home for them with dinner cooked when they finally get home. 

What you just identified defines male privilege. 



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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jld said:


> I'm sure Dug would be fine with it.
> 
> OP, please do not quit for your husband. This really is his issue to deal with, his insecurity to resolve. A supportive, secure husband would trust you and be happy that you are able to do work you love.
> 
> I cannot see any reason to expect or accept less from him.


I don't think she should quit her job either, but it is up to BOTH OF THEM to work through his insecurities, not just him.

His feelings are his feelings and shouldn't be discounted. While OP references that he doesn't like her dancing with another man, I wonder how much it has to do with loneliness than it does trust. He's home alone for weeks at a time while she is in different exotic locations.

Yes, yes, he knew all this going into the relationship. However after 6 years it could be he is tired of being alone frequently. He may have thought he could handle it going in, but after all this time it's worn him down.

Something they both need to work on together to resolve, one way or the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he jealous of your success?

All the trophies and the Shields and the certificates?

I know a husband who did exactly this to his wife who was a ballroom dancer. 

She gave it up. But she never really forgave him for taking away her dream.

He said he suspected her of cheating on him.

It transpired that he was the Cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Oksana, the questions presented to you here that you care to answer contrasted to the questions that you don't care to answer are very telling.

Is this how you are with your husband?


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

john117 said:


> One thing to consider here is that both OP and her partner are professional dancers at a very high level, not high school show choir members. As professionals they know their expectations and responsibilities. If OP quits her partner is toast, it's not like he'll put an ad on the paper for a new partner.
> 
> OP's husband should travel a bit more and trust a lot more. She's not traveling selling vacuum cleaners, she's competitive at a world class level.
> 
> Getting such a job is a dream for little girls from age 5 on. A handful make it. My daughters piano teacher did, and is a renowned piano performer and college level teacher her husband had no issue with her traveling, but often joined her.


Thank you, I appreciate that!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> Would you ask a man that same question?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk




Actually I gave up business traveling to great cities in US, Europe and South America because wife was chronically ill and i was needed at home for her. I changed roles at work so i would not have to travel. I liked the travel, about 1-2 months a year. 

So yes. 

I am a man. Last i checked.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> Thank you, I appreciate that!


You're welcome. The average accountant / engineer / business owner simply can't grasp the time and effort and talent it takes to get where you are. So, they offer good advise applicable to their level of understanding. 

Simply ask your husband if he would object to travel if you were a pro sports athlete, say, LPGA or WNBA or what not. Or a world class musician or performer or actress. 

(My daughters of course did gymnastics and all that - out of the hundreds of kids I can only remember one that was "wow" level talent. That's the kinds of odds most people don't understand hence the conflict.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

john117 said:


> You're welcome. The average accountant / engineer / business owner simply can't grasp the time and effort and talent it takes to get where you are. So, they offer good advise applicable to their level of understanding.
> 
> Simply ask your husband if he would object to travel if you were a pro sports athlete, say, LPGA or WNBA or what not. Or a world class musician or performer or actress.
> 
> (My daughters of course did gymnastics and all that - out of the hundreds of kids I can only remember one that was "wow" level talent. That's the kinds of odds most people don't understand hence the conflict.


Or he understands it, but he just doesn't care?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> I'm sure Dug would be fine with it.
> 
> OP, please do not quit for your husband. This really is his issue to deal with, his insecurity to resolve. A supportive, secure husband would trust you and be happy that you are able to do work you love.
> 
> I cannot see any reason to expect or accept less from him.


I think you could shoot the Dalai Lama in the head with a .44 and Dug would be fine with it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WonkyNinja said:


> Would you ask a man that same question?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Well good for you Dinkey. I couldn't.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Offer to take a lie detector test..........


 

Don't forget to suggest the other standard TAM devices: VAR, satellite tracker, key-logger, being waterboarded, and sodium Pentothal.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Op - what comes to my mind is you both need to sit down to genuinely and honestly discuss this so you both understand the other. Perhaps there's need for the assistance of a counselor to help moderate the communication to avoid any anger and unhelpful emotion from interfering with the communication. 


Then together the two of you can reach a compromise based on full knowledge of how the other feels. 

Just my two cents worth. 😀


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm assuming she's a ballroom dancer?
> 
> She should keep doing what she is doing, but she should also give up the expectation of having any kind of normal marriage to someone who is not her dance partner.
> 
> ...


Bandit, we are in 2016. People travel for work. They are close to people of the other sex. They go to bars together.

Why a woman who loves her work should quit her job because she is around other guys? It is unreal that we are having this kind of conversation in the 21st century.

Quitting your traveling job because your spouse is sick is one thing. Quitting it because your spouse is insecure is another. 

OP should go on with her wonderful career and her husband should work on his insecurities. It is not by quitting her job that her husband will become more secure in himself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> Bandit, we are in 2016. People travel for work. They are close to people of the other sex. They go to bars together.
> 
> Why a woman who loves her work should quit her job because she is around other guys? It is unreal that we are having this kind of conversation in the 21st century.
> 
> ...


I didn't say she should quit her gig Where did you read that I said that?

I think she should divorce the creep. He's a typical controlling Neanderthal like most men. 

He's probably been boning women on the side. He's projecting.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Haiku said:


> Don't forget to suggest the other standard TAM devices: VAR, satellite tracker, key-logger, being waterboarded, and sodium Pentothal.


You forgot private investigator
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> He's a typical controlling Neanderthal like most men.



Most men are controlling Neanderthals? Don't you think that's laying it on a bit too thick?


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

OP: There are more "I's" and "me's" (singular personal pronouns) in your posts than in an Obama speech. Nowhere do you mention any affection or the status of intimacy with your husband. People involved in performance are often self-absorbed. 

You need to begin looking for the compromise you say you want, by thinking of "we" and "us" and trying to understand that your husband loves and misses you. That you are traveling with a man with whom you spend hours practicing and performing in passionate, romantic and sensual art form makes it worrisome at the least and crushingly disrespectful at worst given your me-first-and-always attitude. Personal growth in a relationship means that some things that seemed acceptable at the beginning may over time become a problem for one or the other. Relationships are not static. 

Frankly instead of objectively seeking advice, you respond positively only to the posters who support you--your fangirls and boys--and write off or flip off anyone who takes your husband's point of view, or even a middle point of view. 

My wife is an accomplished professional whose work takes her away from home and sometimes to very isolated locations for two weeks of every month. We manage to talk every night. It just takes a little effort and certainly less effort than dancing the wild fandango.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@OksanaR, 

You mentioned your husband owns his own business. How often does he travel for work? Can he cut back on his business travel to accompany you to some of the competitions?

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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Lila said:


> @OksanaR,
> 
> You mentioned your husband owns his own business. How often does he travel for work? Can he cut back on his business travel to accompany you to some of the competitions?
> 
> Sent from mobile using Tapatalk


Yes, He travels at least once every month and when I've been home the most he's been away has been 9 days. Most times I am asked to accompany him - others times.. im not.

Most times he wont cut back on his work because its important to him and he has a strong work set mind.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Oksana, a few questions (I'm sorry) so that I can get a better perspective here:

First, what is the income difference between you ? Is your husband the main bread earner ? In which case this is a labour of love for you and not so much a job as it is not what supports you both. 

If you were not with your husband, would your income be enough to support you and allow you the luxuries you currently have (whatever they are) ? If not, then he is kind of supporting your labour of love so you cannot really blame him for having a good work ethic and needing to place some importance on his work.

What do you think will happen if you continue to travel with your partner (dance) for dance competitions and shows at the frequency you currently do? How do you think your husband will react and how this will eventually play out ? 

Many men here (as Bandit has said) would not really be OK with this ? There may be some special cases like Dug, or others who have had Bromide put into their tea, but generally the average (slightly Neanderthal) male would not be OK with it. Add to this an age difference which your husband is acutely aware of (to the extent that he didn't want to pursue this relationship at the start due to this) and the fact that you don't seem to have common interests, and the nature of your dance environment, and I must say that he is insecure for some valid reasons. So do you really understand the pain this is causing him ? I mean really understand this ? Or is it that you do not have the needed empathy to get what he is going through?

Did you both decide not have kids ? And if so was it because you each wanted to pursue your careers ? Or because your husband felt he was too old ?


There seems to be an undercurrent of something that we are missing here, causing his insecurity. The answers to the above will help you maybe get a better understanding of what this is.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OksanaR said:


> Yes, He travels at least once every month and when I've been home the most he's been away has been 9 days. Most times I am asked to accompany him - others times.. im not.
> 
> *Most times he wont cut back on his work because its important to him and he has a strong work set mind*.


Oksana, sounds like your husband has had a change of heart on what be wants in a spouse. Where once, at 36, he liked the idea of having an independent wife now, at 42, he wants one that will cater to him. Could be insecurity on his part or it could be a mid life crisis. Either way, his demand is based on his fear. 

This isn't going to be resolved unless you discuss it with him. I would not quit dancing but maybe understanding the source of his fear will help you empathise. 

I'll tell you....getting old sucks. Getting old while married to a young and beautiful woman with an independent spirit is not for the meek. 



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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

becareful2 said:


> Most men are controlling Neanderthals? Don't you think that's laying it on a bit too thick?


Of course we are. We're are not highly evolved like women are.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lila said:


> Oksana, sounds like your husband has had a change of heart on what be wants in a spouse. Where once, at 36, he liked the idea of having an independent wife now, at 42, he wants one that will cater to him. Could be insecurity on his part or it could be a mid life crisis. Either way, his demand is based on his fear.
> 
> This isn't going to be resolved unless you discuss it with him. I would not quit dancing but maybe understanding the source of his fear will help you empathise.
> 
> ...


Yep fear and insecurity. That's what it's all about. Divorce him Oksana. He's a child.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm wondering if the answers from some of the men would be different if the OP was an Olympic or professional athlete.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering if the answers from some of the men would be different if the OP was an Olympic or professional athlete.


Most men here would not marry an Olympic or professional athlete. They are smarter than that.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Oksana, a few questions (I'm sorry) so that I can get a better perspective here:
> 
> First, what is the income difference between you ? Is your husband the main bread earner ? In which case this is a labour of love for you and not so much a job as it is not what supports you both.



He without doubt makes more money than me but its not about that for me, I like to pay my way - I always have- I love having my own money and not having to always look to him for money.



manfromlamancha said:


> If you were not with your husband, would your income be enough to support you and allow you the luxuries you currently have (whatever they are) ? If not, then he is kind of supporting your labour of love so you cannot really blame him for having a good work ethic and needing to place some importance on his work.


Yes, for the life I live even previous to meeting my H I could afford to stand on my own two feet something I was always proud of given my upbringing. 



manfromlamancha said:


> What do you think will happen if you continue to travel with your partner (dance) for dance competitions and shows at the frequency you currently do? How do you think your husband will react and how this will eventually play out ?


To be completely honest.. I don't know and that's what scares the living sh!t out of me. When he brings it up I get defensive with him and turn on him or walk away from him because I am absolutely *terrified* of losing him, You guys don't understand how much I love him, I cry and shake playing scenarios in my head that he'll leave and I know people will turn on me and claim that I don't love him because I wont do what he says but dancing is something I need to do its in my veins its who I am - who I've always been! I always thought I had his support but I obviously don't. 



manfromlamancha said:


> Did you both decide not have kids ? And if so was it because you each wanted to pursue your careers ? Or because your husband felt he was too old ?


We both decided to not have children, its something I've never wanted and he has never had any desire to be a father as he has work as his main focus.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How many more years can you physically be a competitive dancer? Your body a some point will reach its capacity.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> How many more years can you physically be a competitive dancer? Your body a some point will reach its capacity.


I plan to retire at 35 and then focus fully on Teaching and choreography.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think your husband is ''wrong'' for asking you to quit your job, but at the same time...why would you both willingly spend so much time away from each other? I believe in a couple having independence, but my grandmother who passed away last year, used to say ''where you spend most of your time, talent and money is what is most important to you.'' If your job is more important than your marriage, then that is what you have to be honest with yourself about. Your husband should cut back on traveling, too. It's not just a one way street, you making all the compromise. Hope it works out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OksanaR said:


> I plan to retire at 35 and then focus fully on Teaching and choreography.


Can your husband wait for you?

Have you asked him if he is sleeping with other women while he's on his trips? I detect he's projecting on you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Can your husband wait for you?
> 
> Have you asked him if he is sleeping with other women while he's on his trips? I detect he's projecting on you.


When a man strikes an innocent golf ball with a machete it cuts through the tough dimpled outer layer. The tightly wound rubber strands pop loose...leaving the raw core exposed.

Put down the machete, @bandit.45!

I sent my DNA to 23&ME. They told me that I am 3.8% Neanderthal..........who da thunk!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thanks for replying honestly. I did also ask if there was anything else that could suddenly be causing this insecurity?

Is your dance partner attractive and fit?

You have known your dance partner for 10 years (longer than your husband) - is there a closeness when you are together that your husband has now seen or witnessed that he was not aware of before and now is worried about it?

I have witnessed romances bloom between dance partners over time. Is this the case here? Is there some chemistry between you and your dance partner? Is he married? If so, how does his partner feel about you? Have you two ever dated/been intimate? Have you ever expressed any attraction to him (or any other man)? Are you attracted to him? Is he to you?

On a different note, would it be fair to say as much as you love your husband, you love your dancing more? I know that normally it would be unfair of him to ask you to stop dancing. But as I said, there seems to be something more to this. Would you accept a divorce rather than stop dancing? Hard questions, I know.

How many relationships/boyfriends before your husband? Could this be making him insecure?

Just trying to get to the bottom of this.

P.S. Why don't you want children? Because it would interfere with the dancing? Same for your husband - because it would interfere with his work? Would he stop working if you asked him to? I hop you can see where I am going with this.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Duplicate post


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

People easily develop a "sixth sense" about others. Guys in particular can easily pick up on subtle clues other guys put out and can figure out what their intentions are.

How much time does your husband spend with your partner? Do you all socialize away from completion? Do you alone socialize with your partner away from competition and practice?

Is your partner married? have a girlfriend ? Boyfriend? (I don't mean to stereotype male dancers - they could all kick my butt I'm sure). How old is he? Does he have feelings romantic feelings for you? We ask these questions in an attempt to get a clearer picture of the situation.

It's troubling when I read that your husband tries to talk about this with you and you turn and walk away. This is not healthy and effectively drives him deeper into his insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Insecurity? or listening to his gut?


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for replying honestly. I did also ask if there was anything else that could suddenly be causing this insecurity?
> 
> Is your dance partner attractive and fit?
> 
> You have known your dance partner for 10 years (longer than your husband) - is there a closeness when you are together that your husband has now seen or witnessed that he was not aware of before and now is worried about it?


I have actually known him 12 years through championships and we quickly became friends so he is a dear person in my life. Attractive?.. He is a good looking guy (my H and friends are aware of this) and is obviously fit. 




manfromlamancha said:


> I have witnessed romances bloom between dance partners over time. Is this the case here? Is there some chemistry between you and your dance partner? Is he married? If so, how does his partner feel about you? Have you two ever dated/been intimate? Have you ever expressed any attraction to him (or any other man)? Are you attracted to him? Is he to you?


Chemistry only when performing, We have never dated or been intimate, we are *strictly* professional! He is not married but has been with a few relationships - recently single. When I met him I thought he was attractive - he is from Italy so maybe it was his accent at the time ha. I am not attracted now and I doubt he is attracted to me, he knows and respects my husband.





manfromlamancha said:


> On a different note, would it be fair to say as much as you love your husband, you love your dancing more? I know that normally it would be unfair of him to ask you to stop dancing. But as I said, there seems to be something more to this. Would you accept a divorce rather than stop dancing? Hard questions, I know.


Not at all! I love my husband dearly and if it came down to it I would give it up than risk a divorce. I just don't want him to want that from me.



manfromlamancha said:


> How many relationships/boyfriends before your husband? Could this be making him insecure?


I don't know how this is relevant? I had three relationships before him.



manfromlamancha said:


> P.S. Why don't you want children? Because it would interfere with the dancing? Same for your husband - because it would interfere with his work? Would he stop working if you asked him to? I hop you can see where I am going with this.


That is a very private matter that I would rather not get into


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Your husband reminds of some firefighter wives. They date and marry firefighters knowing going in about the 24 hour shifts, recalls and working on holidays yet complain constantly about the 24 hour shifts, recalls and working on holidays. Some even ask their husbands to quit. I can't imagine asking my husband to quit the job he loves.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Most men here would not marry an Olympic or professional athlete. They are smarter than that.



Ooo. few grammatical errors there.
Here,let me correct this for you.

Most people (man or woman) would not marry an Olympic or professional athlete due to time required by the sport.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'd marry an Olympic skier. But not an Olympic pairs figure skater.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thanks again for the honest replies. The reason I asked about no of previous boyfriends/relationships is because if it was very high (or much higher than your husbands), then maybe it intimidated him or made him feel less than secure but it doesn't seem to be the case. The reason I asked about children was maybe each of you love your jobs more than ANYTHNG or ANYONE else.

So do you think your husband is feeling insecure or does he just miss you?

And if he is insecure, why do you think this is?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Then you would probably choose not to marry a professional dancer with an established partner who frequently travels overseas to competitions.
> 
> This guy did. He can't change the rules now.


Is it a change in the rules? The OP doesn't say.

The OP says the discussion about having her quit occurred after a 2 week stay in Europe last month when she had little contact with her husband. However, the OP DOESN'T specify whether this kind of travel is new/change for her, or if she has been doing it all along.


(Update: further posts suggest the travel is not new, but doesn't specify when in the marriage it began)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> When a man strikes an innocent golf ball with a machete it cuts through the tough dimpled outer layer. The tightly wound rubber strands pop loose...leaving the raw core exposed.
> 
> Put down the machete, @bandit.45!
> 
> I sent my DNA to 23&ME. They told me that I am 3.8% Neanderthal..........who da thunk!


Surprised! Golf balls are rubber inside?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Is it a change in the rules? The OP doesn't say.
> 
> The OP says the discussion about having her quit occurred after a 2 week stay in Europe last month when she had little contact with her husband. However, the OP DOESN'T specify whether this kind of travel is new/change for her, or if she has been doing it all along.
> 
> ...


I also wonder how frequently or infrequently they communicate during those two week trips. Daily, once or twice a week, a few minutes here and there, not at all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Duguesclin said:


> Bandit, we are in 2016. People travel for work. They are close to people of the other sex. They go to bars together.
> 
> Why a woman who loves her work should quit her job because she is around other guys? It is unreal that we are having this kind of conversation in the 21st century.
> 
> ...



I used to think like this. All 21st century ~~ married men and women can be friends and jobs/independence are more important than relationships. 

It's wrong. 

Marriage is supposed to be an exclusive relationship of interdependence. 

Your spouse {gender indifferent}. Your life partner is your primary responsibility. 

You work {or play} to serve your family versus your family/spouse serving your job/hobby.

"Forsaking all others" is a commitment the OP made. Nobody put a gun to her head and made her marry her husband. He's not happy about the current arrangement so she needs to address this with him in an open calm honest way. So many nights apart is not healthy for the marriage. It puts the marriage at risk. 

Ideally, spouses shouldn't spend the night apart ~ ever. The most successful fulfilling happy marriages of 40~50~60 years typically don't. 

It's certainly a free country and the OP can continue to do whatever she wants while angrily dismissing her husband's objections, reservations and|or insecurities; however, it's more likely that she'll be choosing eventual divorce by doing so. Complaints in marriage are big flashing warning signs that your relationship is in distress. Ignore them at your own risk. If it's "insecurity" that isn't HIS problem to solve ~ it's "THEIR" problem to address. 

Put your heads together and find a way for this to work for both of you. Maybe he just needs a little less travelling {versus none at all}. Either way, find a way to love dancing that supports your marriage. Maybe it's time to set up your own studio and teach?

Yes ~ I would tell either sex the same thing {though the male privilege comment had me rolling}. If your wife isn't happy with your travelling for work, you should find another job or position that doesn't require as much or any travelling. 


Finally ~ be thankful that you have a husband that cherishes time with you so much that he's willing to voice such complaint in the first place versus swallowing his objections and wishes while building up his own resentments {though over 6 years he may have already let this go a long time and built up a big pile of resentments already}. "Because he agreed to it when he married you" isn't really a good rationalization and justification for continuing to do whatever you want. His "happiness" matters too.


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## SadDaisy (Sep 16, 2015)

How much time do you spend with your husband?
I would think you are not away all the time. Do you have a good time with your husband when you do things together with him? Do you have something special that you like to do together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Quality said:


> I used to think like this. All 21st century ~~ married men and women can be friends and jobs/independence are more important than relationships.
> 
> It's wrong.
> 
> ...


Now, here's the thing. Something very important that has been overlooked. "If you for not want to be married to a police officer, a paramedic, a fire fighter, a doctor, a nurse, a soldier an athlete, a dancer or someone who works in a shopping mall, the answer is in your own hands. Do not do it. 

"But if you do, be ready for the good things or the bad things."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

OP - Some food for thought.

You came here to tell a bunch of strangers about your problem so it must be a real concern, otherwise you wouldn't have invested the time and energy to do so. 

You are trying to build consensus and support for your side of things but that is irrelevant. All that matters is how your husband feels about things. Having said that, as I see it, your husband may have been "sort of" okay with your dancing when you first were married but over time he's become less okay with it. Do you know why? The reason is that he loves you more now than he did when you were first married.

I've been married for a long time and I can easily say that I love my wife much more now than I did when we first got married. The reason is that I really know her now. I mean I really know her. We've been through children, financial stress, changing jobs, loss of family members....all of it. We've shared a life together and are truly partners. You can't help but love someone more when you've been through so much together. It's the natural progression of things.

I would submit to you that in 6 years that your husband loves you more now and simply doesn't want to share you or your time with someone else (your dance partner) any longer or at least not as much. That's actually a good thing. It's not a "bait and switch" on his part, nor should it be viewed in that way. You say that you love him dearly. The only problem with that statement is that you haven't demonstrated it. If he shares a valid concern with you and you either dismiss it or don't address it, what message do you think that sends?

If it were me, I'd be thinking that my wife doesn't love me or care about me as much as I thought and my natural inclination would be to start pulling away. Nobody wishes to get hurt so the natural human reaction is to pull away from someone or something that could hurt us. If this goes on another 5 years until you decide to retire, he may be much more distant, if not downright frosty, toward you. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

So I would suggest that you discuss the possibility of a compromise with your husband. Since this isn't a primary source of income for the two of you, perhaps you could cut back on the number of overseas events that you participate in. On his side, perhaps he could spend less time with his business so that he could travel to more of your in country events. I'm sure there is a good solution that the two of you could be happy with. 

If you decide to ignore his concerns or try and convince your self that he's being unreasonable, then you do so at your own peril. You can gather all of the support in the world from anonymous folks on this site but we don't know either of you and aren't responsible for your marriage. You are.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I love dancing myself. I've danced with women without expecting anything romantic to come from it.

Find a compromise that works. If you quit dancing, you *WILL LIKELY** resent him for it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your situation reminds me of celebrities or actors who get married. They always wind up divorced.

The thing is maybe your lifestyle is incompatible with marriage. Love is not enough. Marriages thrive on togetherness, bonding, feeding, work. This is not all your fault.

There are books that spell out emotional needs in marriage.... Examples of what emotional needs can be are "Quality Time" and "Recreational Companionship".... Bonding over these things are what create strength in a marriage. Sharing emotional needs that usually reserved for marriage with someone else normally weaken the marriage.

Your husband married you for companionship. He sees you providing something he wants to someone else and / or your career. I don't see this so much as an insecurity issue as much as an issue of where your emotional energy, physical energy and personal time are being directed.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Don't quit your _career_. What your husband is asking of you is very unfair. 

He knew well ahead of time--well before he _married_ you--that professional dancing is your passion. He knew you had a male dance partner, and he knew how he felt about it. He misled you into believing that he was as enthusiastic about your career as you are, even showed you support by showing up to many of your competitions. _NOW_ I wonder if he showed up to support you or because he never really trusted you and your dance partner in the first place. 

OP, if your husband told you all of this BEFORE he married you, would you have agreed to marry him? 

Also, would he be willing to give up HIS career if you were uncomfortable with how much he travels and how often he's away?

ETA: If you _do_ give up your career for him, what's next? Is he also going to tell you in another year or two that he really _DOES_ want you to stay home and have children, too?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Absolutely DO NOT QUIT. This is more than a job, this is who you are and your passion. And HE KNEW THIS going into a relationship/marriage with you. Do what you can to keep him included, but do not quit!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)




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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> Advice please?


To me, the bottom line is that he married you knowing that you love dancing, love to perform, and have a long-term dance partner. It is unfair of him to ask you to stop after he marries you. 

Instead, I suggest two things:
1. Write out a schedule of your upcoming performances. Maybe you can compromise on the number of times that you travel.
2. Reassure him that you are attracted to him, and not attracted to your dance partner.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Thanks for the replies everyone.

So I've taken a few days to talk to him about everything and I feel like we've got nowhere!

I asked him what he really wanted from all this and his answer is the same - he wants me to quit, fully give it up. I offered to retire from international competitions and it still wasn't enough for him. Finally I asked him if he deep down wanted a divorce from me which made him very angry and upset that I even brought that up to him. He refused the suggestion and told me to never mention that to him again. 

He tells me he wants me to himself, not sharing me with my partner and suggested that I think about going to work for him. Keep in mind he works at buying, restoring and then selling car's, something I have no interest or desire to be part of. I love him but I'm quickly running out of time and patience with him!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that he's unwilling to compromise. His view of your future sounds awful, and you are at an impasse. Unless you are willing to entertain the idea of divorce, then all I can suggest is that you just continue exactly as you are until something changes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OksanaR said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone.
> 
> So I've taken a few days to talk to him about everything and I feel like we've got nowhere!
> 
> ...


So, he wants to to go from the field of international professional ballroom dancing to working on a _used car lot_? :wtf:

Seriously? That's what he wants you to replace your dream with? :surprise:


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Yeah, now granted he only works with high-spec cars but that's his dream, not what I wanted.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


>


Matt,

I have to disagree on this post. Steve Jobs was no Role model, rather he was a Roll-Over-You model. He was very egocentric and selfish. He simply did not consider the feelings of others, most of the time.

A Narcissist Role Model.

Comes with genius, often....off-him, thank you.

SunC


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Your husband is being unreasonable. Let him know that he married a dancer and if he no longer wants to be married to a dancer you will accommodate his wish by divorcing him. He needs to know his options with the same tone he presented to you so that he can come back to the table with a viable compromise.

Your husband may be older but he is acting like a bratty little boy. I think his insecurity does not come from his age, it is a deep seated resentment for you success. If he wants to keep you, he needs to get over himself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Matt,
> 
> I have to disagree on this post. Steve Jobs was no Role model, rather he was a Roll-Over-You model. He was very egocentric and selfish. He simply did not consider the feelings of others, most of the time.
> 
> ...


Oh, yes, I knew of the limitations of Steve Jobs. But I found that quote and thought it apposite to this thread. Germane to the issue at hand.

And why should the Devil get all the best tunes?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"He tells me he wants me to himself, not sharing me with my partner..."

Is it the dancing he has a problem with, or the partner, or both?

What could have changed over the past few years that your husband did a complete 180 on how he feels about you dancing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> He tells me he wants me to himself, not sharing me with my partner and suggested that I think about going to work for him. Keep in mind he works at buying, restoring and then selling car's, something I have no interest or desire to be part of. I love him but I'm quickly running out of time and patience with him!!


Oh I don't know, it's slightly controlling behaviour a bit, like he wants to keep on eye on you 24/7, be wary of giving up your means of income, would he accept you setting up your own business teaching dance classes? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> Thanks for the replies everyone.
> 
> So I've taken a few days to talk to him about everything and I feel like we've got nowhere!
> 
> ...


There is more to this then he is letting on. Ask him how long he has been thinking about this, and what precipitated it. I think you have been very fare with him. You need to tell him that you will not give up your passion for him and if you did you would resent him for asking you to. Ask him if he would give up car restoring for you tell him that is the only way you will do it, see if that shocks him out of his hypocrisy. I think it is reasonable to ask you not to be away for so long I believe in marriage you both should be making sacrifices, I also think if he was away for weeks at a time you would be in your rights to ask him to move away from that type of job. That being said I have to say, he only has the nerve to ask you because he is a man. I can't imagine a woman asking her husband to quit his job and come work for her. It is a antiquated notion and has no place in today's society especially when he knew about it to begin with.

OP seems you married an older man with antiquated ideas.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

OksanaR said:


> I asked him what he really wanted from all this and his answer is the same - he wants me to quit, fully give it up. I offered to retire from international competitions and it still wasn't enough for him. Finally I asked him if he deep down wanted a divorce from me which made him very angry and upset that I even brought that up to him. He refused the suggestion and told me to never mention that to him again.
> 
> *He tells me he wants me to himself, not sharing me with my partner* and suggested that I think about going to work for him. Keep in mind he works at buying, restoring and then selling car's, something I have no interest or desire to be part of. I love him but I'm quickly running out of time and patience with him!!


So basically he's treating you as a possession and not an individual. He doesn't want to come to any compromise with you, he doesn't want anything but for you to do as he tells you. And as your boss as well as your husband! He believes other men want you, including your partner, and his solution is to lock you up instead of trust you. And when you talk to him about how to establish more trust, he just forbids you from ever thinking about leaving him.

If you quit dancing, you won't be the woman he fell in love with anymore, and he'll be upset about your inevitable unhappiness, likely weight gain, etc.

Has there been any signs of this in other matters, outside of your dancing? Does he always decide where you eat, tell you how to dress, what car you should drive, destination for vacations, etc? Has he ever expressed disapproval of your dancing before you married? And lastly, was there ever any notion, even if it was unspoken, that you would not keep dancing after marriage? Do people usually retire from it earlier than your age? Does he feel you've reneged on some sort of covert contract?

A spouse is supposed to be supportive, help their partner achieve their dreams, not cruelly cut them short. He should be cheering you on at every competition he's able to attend.

He needs counselling. You both need counselling. He's really defensive about the idea of divorce. If it's not genuine fear that you're pulling away from him, it's projection about possible secrets of his own.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> I offered to retire from international competitions and it still wasn't enough for him.


I had a feeling this offer wouldn't be good enough for him. If you retired from competitions and started to teach dance, you would still have to 'touch' other men. 



> Finally I asked him if he deep down wanted a divorce from me which made him very angry and upset that I even brought that up to him. He refused the suggestion and told me to never mention that to him again.


Fine! Tell him that if he never wants you to bring up _divorce_ again, then he should never ask you to _quit dancing _again! 



> He tells me he wants me to himself, not sharing me with my partner and suggested that I think about going to work for him. Keep in mind he works at buying, restoring and then selling car's, something I have no interest or desire to be part of. I love him but I'm quickly running out of time and patience with him


OP, even if you agreed to do this, it wouldn't be good enough for him. Let's say that a handsome man approached you while working in his business when your husband wasn't around. You might be smiling to be friendly. Is your husband going to start accusing you of _flirting_ with the man? 

Everything put together--telling you that he wants you to quit dancing, that he wants you "all to himself" and that he wants you to work for him are HUGE red flags of someone who is a controller. It sounds like he's trying to _isolate_ you. 

Was this his 'plan' all along? Is he going to start telling you that _if you love him_, that you'll quit for him? 

It's one thing to change for someone if you're doing something 'wrong'. There's nothing wrong with being a professional dancer and having a long-term dance partner of the opposite sex, who you have no romantic interest in. There are profession dancers who are married to non-dancers, who don't have this issue. It would be one thing for him to ask you to give this up because of something 'better'. But is working for him in a field you're not even interested in be better for you? Would he be willing to quit his job to become a professional dancer, to become your partner? I doubt it. 

To reiterate, your husband knew this about you _before_ he married you. He had every opportunity to tell you about his discomfort before marriage, yet he chose to keep silent, probably because he knew that if he mentioned it, you wouldn't have married him. 

This is _his_ issue. It's something _he_ should have _carefully_ considered before marriage. It's something _he_ should have told you about before marriage. He did neither. 

If *I* was in your (dancing) shoes, I would gently but _firmly_ let him that you love him, AND, you're _NOT_ going to quit dancing. 

Let him know that the ball is in _his_ court, for now. If he brings up you quitting again, or tries to make your life 'difficult' by pouting, sulking or being angry about your career choice, he'll be forcing your hand to end your relationship. 

You love him, yes. But he needs to also love you _as you are_, not as _he_ wants you to be. Because if that's the case, then he never really loved _you_ in the first place.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please do not give up your work, Oksana--_any_ of it.

If need be, let the husband go. Not the job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> So basically he's treating you as a possession and not an individual. He doesn't want to come to any compromise with you, he doesn't want anything but for you to do as he tells you. And as your boss as well as your husband! He believes other men want you, including your partner, and his solution is to lock you up instead of trust you. And when you talk to him about how to establish more trust, he just forbids you from ever thinking about leaving him.
> 
> If you quit dancing, you won't be the woman he fell in love with anymore, and he'll be upset about your inevitable unhappiness, likely weight gain, etc.
> 
> ...


Exactly! All of this^^^ !

One thing I want to add: If he is truly a 'controller', counseling won't do much good. He may learn enough skills to cope with his insecurity for a time, even for several years. But he would be 'white-knuckling' the whole time. Then one day, he'll explode...

He may not feel like he's asking that much from her. There are a lot of people who don't consider careers in the arts (singing, dancing, painting, sculpting, writing, playing an instrument, etc.) as "serious" career choices. They see it as more of a 'hobby' that someone gets paid for. To them, calling it a 'career' is almost laughable. :frown2:


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

I appreciate the support guys, I really do. I feel like we got nowhere from all the talking we'd done, Anything I offered he refused.

One thing someone mentioned that I myself never mentioned was that he did say that he felt I was drifting away from him - because we do both be so busy he said he is afraid that a point in my life will come that I wont be able to "fit him in" which is ridiculous. He keeps pushing the idea of me working with him so we can spend more time together but that is not me, I wouldn't be happy, surely he knows this!?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> I appreciate the support guys, I really do. I feel like we got nowhere from all the talking we'd done, Anything I offered he refused.
> 
> One thing someone mentioned that I myself never mentioned was that he did say that he felt I was drifting away from him - because we do both be so busy he said he is afraid that a point in my life will come that I wont be able to "fit him in" which is ridiculous. He keeps pushing the idea of me working with him so we can spend more time together but that is not me, *I wouldn't be *happy, *surely he knows this!?*


*

*

Did you _tell_ him this? 

Even if you didn't, it probably doesn't matter to him. If he's controlling, then he believes that your ONLY happiness should come from being _*with him*_. 

Nothing else should matter.

See, its funny how he expects you to give up _your_ career to 'spend more time together', yet he probably wouldn't dream of giving up _his _career to spend more time together! He never even suggested _that_!


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Has there been any signs of this in other matters, outside of your dancing? Does he always decide where you eat, tell you how to dress, what car you should drive, destination for vacations, etc? .


No, Honestly everything else between us is fine, no other disagreements about anything else in our marriage. 




Hopeful Cynic said:


> Has he ever expressed disapproval of your dancing before you married? And lastly, was there ever any notion, even if it was unspoken, that you would not keep dancing after marriage? Do people usually retire from it earlier than your age? Does he feel you've reneged on some sort of covert contract?.


Before we got married it never seemed to bother him because that definitely would have been something I would have cleared up before walking down the aisle. When asking him why it didn't bother him then and why it does now his answer was that at the time he thought it was hot that I was a dancer but now he doesn't want other men thinking that about me and because of some of the outfits I have worn etc.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Others have harped on him being controlling. Is this expressed in other aspects of your life?

Also, I asked this last week, not sure if you answered. if you did, forgive me.

How often do you speak to him when you are away at your competitions? Do you talk every day or go several days without speaking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> No, Honestly everything else between us is fine, no other disagreements about anything else in our marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ohfercyrinoutloud...

Maybe we should ban all men from going to dance competitions because they might start "thinking" about those women wearing those "hot" outfits! 

Didn't you wear some of those "hot" outfits BEFORE you two got married? 

He can't control what other men think no matter WHAT KIND OF CLOTHING YOU WEAR. 

Maybe you should start performing in a Burqua...
Maybe we should just ban all forms of dancing all together...


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

The most we didn't talk was probably a day and a half because of time difference and schedule.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> The most we didn't talk was probably a day and a half because of time difference and schedule.


That's reasonable. Thanks for answering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP…….
I wanted to share my thoughts after reading your thread. I am not going to pick sides….but want to point some things out that maybe you will think about.
Someone else here said they saw a lot of “I’s” in your thread (meaning selfishness) and while I am not going to say that you are selfish, I do think your view if the whole situation is inaccurate.
You are married and took vows. That means your relationship should be priority number one in your life. To me, it seems like it is second. I applaud you for your love and commitment to your art, but it shouldn’t come first. 
If I had to guess, you live a fairly comfortable (affluent) lifestyle, probably one many would be envious of. You said you don’t earn as much as your husband, but could still live on your own if need be. I point this out because I wonder if you did divorce and had to live a simpler life, you would find the fulfillment you do with your dancing, or the stresses of making do more with less would tarnish the care free endeavors you currently undertake. 
What troubles me most and what compelled me to post, was your recent admission that your husband felt like you were pulling away. This is the key to what is going on and your dancing probably has nothing to do with it.
My guess would be is that distance has crept into your relationship, which is so common in today’s hectic world. Rather than listening and empathizing with your husband, who erroneously blames it on the dancing, you sound defensive and completely absorbed in getting what you want.
I agree with many here who say you shouldn’t give it up and he is wrong for telling you to scrap it all. I think if he felt your relationship was on solid ground this wouldn’t be an issue. People turn to anger when they feel like they aren’t being heard, their opinions are discounted, but it really comes from fear of losing something they care about and they are unable to communicate it properly.
There has been much talk here of controlling, insecurity, projecting or even him having affairs. I don’t think that is the case at all. If he was having an affair, it would be natural for him to want you to travel all the time…the further away and longer the better so as to facilitate time with an affair partner.
His irrational demands (from your portrayal anyway) signals to me he cares about you deeply and fears losing you but has been unsuccessful in making you come to terms with this. All I see here is a bunch of cheer leading behind many of your posts “he is wrong, you are right” and unless you can find a way to reconnect and reassure him…this will slowly degenerate to the death of your relationship as resentment sets in on both sides. 
I would also like to say this is one thread where I would love to hear the other side. I invite you to bring him here, maybe start a new thread on a “clean slate” if you do not wish him to read what has been said already.
If not, serious MC is in order for both of you if you wish to save your marriage.


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## Thinkitthrough01 (Sep 30, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> My husband and I are married almost 6 years and I am a professional ballroom dancer as well as teaching dance. I have been dancing since I was three years old, I am now 30 and its still my passion. My husband on the other hand has grown to dislike it mostly because I dance with another man but Ive been dancing with him 10yrs now and we have won many competitions together. I was away in Europe last month for two weeks and wasn't in much contact with my husband because of my schedule and his, he travels and is busy with work also but I missed him so much and contacted him every chance I got. When I got back he told me that the separation from me was hard for him. Yesterday we were talking and he brought up the idea of me giving up dancing for good as he can financially support us both. This lead to an argument because I love it and I wont consider it, its my life! We have agreed to not have children and my husband is 12 years older than me and he is has always been a little insecure about that. I know I cant dance forever but I want to do what I love while I can. Is he wrong to ask this of me? For over 5 years I thought he was ok with it but he told me deep down he wasn't. Can we find a compromise on this? Advice please?


The real question here is which is more important to you? Your husband or your passion for dance. Your husband does not want to see you dance with another man. Do you need to be a dancer to survive? Clearly not. Also, you say "its my life" but when you made the decision to get married you also made the decision to give up the right to say "its my life" and now it must be "our life." It doesn't matter if you're a ballroom dancer with a giant wall of awards, the world's best surgeon, a high-power corporate attorney, or billionaire business person. Sacrifices MUST be made. Are you willing to put strain on your relationship so that you can dance? If you feel that your marriage and your husband are WORTH your all and you believe that you can have a better, happier, more fulfilling life if you make your husband and your family happy then you have your answer. If your dancing is too important and you don't care about the strain it puts on your marriage and your husband, then you have to think carefully and choose. Also, think hard about where your priorities are now and where you think they SHOULD be (objectively) in a marriage. Dancing is NOT who you are, dancing is what you do. You are not defined by dancing, you define how you dance. It is something you have a passion for, but it will never bring you the same amount of human interaction and emotionally fulfillment as your spouse. Hope this helps.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

x598 said:


> OP…….
> I wanted to share my thoughts after reading your thread. I am not going to pick sides….but want to point some things out that maybe you will think about.
> Someone else here said they saw a lot of “I’s” in your thread (meaning selfishness)


She offered to quit international competition and you call HER selfish? With all do respect I don't think you are being fair to OP. Marriage is about compromise. She is giving part of something up that she has trained all her life to do. That is a BIG compromise. Imagine if a major league pitcher was asked by his wife to quit baseball because his wife didn't see him enough, and he compromised and said well I will only pitch for half the season. You would be the first to call him crazy for even doing that we all would. We are not taking about a person who likes to go out dancing at night. We are talking about a person who competes in world class events. Also he has his own business why can he take a few days and go meet her at the end of the competition and make a vacation out of it. The cars are going no where. If HE was all in he would be helping her compete, he would be part of her support team. That is what you do when you love someone you take an interest in there life, there goals. This woman loves him he is a lucky man. 

I listen to my wife every night about her job and the crap that she has to put up with. Honestly I think I understand the very basics of what is going on. I do this because I love and want to support her. I don't even think I help much except for moral support. This is what you do. I am her biggest fan. 

I agree that the detachment is something they can work on but the key is THEY. It's not her giving up her career for him. That is not teamwork. Now maybe he is scared being older with a hot wife who dancing with men in their prime when he is not around. Maybe he is having a hard time with that. Maybe even this is his way of poorly communicating that. OK so this is where to work on the problem, but giving up what she loves isn't going to fix anything. 

She was more the fair, the only other thing I would say to her maybe don't wear super sexy outfits when you dance, if it makes him uncomfortable. The truth is he knew the deal, a healthy working marriage is a partnership.

OP if you DO quit dancing make sure he never travels for his job again. I am sure all the posters hear who are telling you your marriage is more important then your dancing would also agree he should not be traveling ether right?


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## Thinkitthrough01 (Sep 30, 2016)

See, the issue here is that you think "compromise" means 50/50 or "meet in the middle." The BEST marriages are the ones when BOTH sides are willing to give up enough for there to be overlap so that tension in one direction or the other still won't have an impact on the compromise. In any case, if she is willing to completely give it up and her husband is the right kind of man, he would do everything to always make her feel fulfilled so that she doesn't feel the need to dance. In any case, marriage is not about giving to receive, it is about giving to give. This is not a bf/gf relationship where you calculate and give and take. Marriage is an all in, no holds barred type of relationship. If everyone approached it with the same mentality of "do or die" that they do other things that apply to them personally, I guarantee divorce rates would drop significantly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, yes, I knew of the limitations of Steve Jobs. But I found that quote and thought it apposite to this thread. *Germane* to the issue at hand.
> 
> And why should the Devil get all the best tunes?


Adam and Eve harvested the first Rotten Apple at the direction of the Serpent, a manifestation of Shaetoon. 

There is Cyanide in Apple seeds, Johnny.

LOL!

True, but leave the *Germanes* out of this !!

Angela Merkel has renamed her nation Germane, taking Deutschland from Powerbroker to wimpy Dunceland.

Why? To correct the low birthrate?

The Blond Supermen left or died... leaving the rest....who cannot have sex, have babies?

The Big Truth? Wars kill off the strongest....leaving less fit, weak seeds to repopulate the fields.

Europe and Russia are still genetically wobbly.

Sorry.....thread jack-in-the-box.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Thinkitthrough01 said:


> If everyone approached it with the same mentality of "do or die" that they do other things that apply to them personally, *I guarantee divorce rates would drop significantly.*


Divorce rates would also drop significantly if people were HONEST about who they are and what they expected from their partner's BEFORE marriage, so their partner doesn't make the mistake of marrying them in the first place. 

Which is what happened in _this _case. 

Look, her husband wasn't honest with her. The OP even said that if her husband told her ahead of time about how he TRULY felt, they would have had a talk about it. She may very well have decided NOT to marry him. 

He knew ahead of time how she felt about her profession. He knew how he felt about it, too. By not saying anything and appearing supportive of her, she was correct in believing that he was o.k. with it. It was only after being married for several years did the truth come out. 

This is _completely_ unfair to the OP. Doesn't matter that she "took a vow". She did so under _false_ pretenses after being misled.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thinkitthrough01 said:


> See, the issue here is that you think "compromise" means 50/50 or "meet in the middle." The BEST marriages are the ones when BOTH sides are willing to give up enough for there to be overlap so that tension in one direction or the other still won't have an impact on the compromise. In any case, if she is willing to completely give it up and her husband is the right kind of man, he would do everything to always make her feel fulfilled so that she doesn't feel the need to dance. In any case, marriage is not about giving to receive, it is about giving to give. This is not a bf/gf relationship where you calculate and give and take. Marriage is an all in, no holds barred type of relationship. If everyone approached it with the same mentality of "do or die" that they do other things that apply to them personally, I guarantee divorce rates would drop significantly.


Um dancing fulfills her obviously since she has basically devoted her whole life to it. So if she gives it up her life's work he already completely failed as a husband. Seriously how could anyone be this selfish and really love someone. He is effectively saying I am insecure so you have to give up your entire life's work and be my secretary. That is not what a husband does, that is what a weakling does. 

You are right though, it isn't always 50/50. In that spirit he should cut back his schedule since it's his own business and cars being restored can wait in the garage a few weeks while he's on the dance trips with her. If he has people that work for him they can continue to work and send him pictures of the projects just like any other employee does with contractors. 

He can be her support while she competes. Then he gets to do what he loves and she gets to do what she loves, and they are bonding over her competition. Bonus he also gets to see his hot sexy wife dance. Sounds like a good 60/40 split to me. The BEST marriages are the ones when BOTH sides are willing to give up enough for there to be overlap so that tension in one direction or the other still won't have an impact on the compromise. Her giving up dancing ain't that.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> She offered to quit international competition and you call HER selfish? With all do respect I don't think you are being fair to OP. Marriage is about compromise. She is giving part of something up that she has trained all her life to do. That is a BIG compromise.


I like most of your post, sokillme. The only thing about it that I want to say is that the OP's husband is NOT asking her to compromise; he wants her to make a _*sacrifice*_. 

The OP is willing to give up _some_ of what she wants. But he wants her to give up ALL of it. What is _he_ willing to give up as well? 

It's not like he's offering her something for giving up dancing. It's not like he's saying, "If you give up dancing and travel, I'll stop traveling too, and NOT go into to work during our "together" time. That kind of offer was never on the table. He wants her to not only make a sacrifice, but make a HUGE sacrifice for his insecurities. 

Wrong on so many levels.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> No, Honestly everything else between us is fine, no other disagreements about anything else in our marriage.
> 
> Before we got married it never seemed to bother him because that definitely would have been something I would have cleared up before walking down the aisle. When asking him why it didn't bother him then and why it does now his answer was that at the time he thought it was hot that I was a dancer but now he doesn't want other men thinking that about me and because of some of the outfits I have worn etc.


How can you stand his whiny baby talk? In the old neighborhood we locked guys like him in port-o-potties for fun.

Tell him he'll have to get another job because it didn't bother you before that he's a car dealer but now you can't stand the idea of being married to a sleazy used car salesman. Same dif.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He was a middle aged man who met this dazzling exotic young beauty. She had a perfect dancer's body, that any man would kill for. And to his utter amazement she expressed attraction to him. Then to his astonishment she fell in love with him. Then to his unutterable joy she said yes to marrying his ass. 

What love struck man would pass an opportunity like that by. Yes he wasn't honest with her. But I can understand why. 

Now the years are going by and old age is approaching. He sees his still young and vibrant wife heading out into a world of beauty and romance and excitement. It's a world he doesn't know or feel at home in. He doesn't belong there. He sees her dancing and commiserating with other young beautiful people...and he feels like an albatross. 

I don't excuse what he is doing. But I do empathize with what is driving it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> He was a middle aged man who met this dazzling exotic young beauty.


Do you really consider 36-37 years old to be "middle aged"? That's how old he was when he married her.



> What love struck man would pass an opportunity like that by.


A love struck _unselfish honest _man. That's who. He was only thinking about himself; not her. 



> Now the years are going by and old age is approaching.


Wow. We've gone from middle aged at 36-37 to approaching "old age" at 42 years old.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KillerClown said:


> Your husband is being unreasonable. Let him know that he married a dancer and if he no longer wants to be married to a dancer you will accommodate his wish by divorcing him. He needs to know his options with the same tone he presented to you so that he can come back to the table with a viable compromise.
> 
> Your husband may be older but he is acting like a bratty little boy. I think his insecurity does not come from his age, it is a deep seated resentment for you success. If he wants to keep you, he needs to get over himself.


He also needs to get down and start dancing himself!


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

x598 said:


> OP…….
> I wanted to share my thoughts after reading your thread. I am not going to pick sides….but want to point some things out that maybe you will think about.
> Someone else here said they saw a lot of “I’s” in your thread (meaning selfishness) and while I am not going to say that you are selfish, I do think your view if the whole situation is inaccurate.
> You are married and took vows. That means your relationship should be priority number one in your life. To me, it seems like it is second. I applaud you for your love and commitment to your art, but it shouldn’t come first.
> ...


Thank you for the reply. You make extremely good points here, some I have not thought about and yes I have been defensive with him but only because I don't understand why its important to him that I stop. He has given me no proper answer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Vega said:


> Do you really consider 36-37 years old to be "middle aged"? That's how old he was when he married her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hmm I guess I need to go back and read. It's my ADD acting up again. I thought he was in his late forties when they married. 

Yeah...dump him. Twerp.


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## OksanaR (Sep 24, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You are right though, it isn't always 50/50. In that spirit he should cut back his schedule since it's his own business and cars being restored can wait in the garage a few weeks while he on the dance trips with her. If he has people that work for him they can continue to work and send him pictures of the projects just like any other employee does with contractors.
> 
> He can be her support while she competes. Then he gets to do what he loves and she gets to do what she loves, and they are bonding over her competition.



Yes he has many people that work for him but I understand that he has to be there most times to keep on top of things and dealing with other business meetings etc. I understand why he couldn't always come away with me overseas but its now at the point that he will *very rarely* accompany me here. This seems to be what he wants and that's it! no compromise, no divorce just me ending it for good.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's sad though....

If you stay with him and do what he wants, you will resent him, and the marriage will eventually end anyways. Better to keep doing what you love and let him go so he can find a safe, mediocre, submissive woman to stay at home for him and have babies. 

What an idiot.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh and Vega? Get over yourself.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I just wonder what is in his head. He was fine with the dancing during dating, engagement and early years of marriage.

Apparently it's not loneliness as I speculated early on. If it was he'd be at least ok with local competitions. 

What could have changed after all this time where he wants you to quit dancing all together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OksanaR said:


> I understand why he couldn't always come away with me overseas but its now at the point that he will *very rarely* accompany me here.


It's awfully funny how he's complaining about feeling "distance" _from_ _you_, yet _he's_ the one who has chosen to spend less time in your presence by rarely attending your competitions, plus, sometimes he leaves you in the middle of your 'together time' with no problem. 

It's like, he's blaming you/your job for being 'distant' when _he's_ the one who's creating the distance!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> Yes he has many people that work for him but I understand that he has to be there most times to keep on top of things and dealing with other business meetings etc. I understand why he couldn't always come away with me overseas but its now at the point that he will *very rarely* accompany me here. This seems to be what he wants and that's it! no compromise, no divorce just me ending it for good.


He sounds like Joe D to your Marilyn Monroe, meaning Joe expected Marilyn to quit acting and start cooking him pasta. In this respect he was an ass and he lost the love of his life. She may also have been banging Sinatra though, so that may have been a factor. 

Anyway I would tell him he has nothing to worry about, you love him and only him, but you gave him your best offer. Frankly if I were him I would think it would be fun to meet you at all these exotic places and make little vacations out of them after your competitions. I mean damn a sexy young wife who wants to be with me in Europe. A wife who pursued me and whose whole career keeps her in great shape sounds like a good life. Maybe he can use the time to make some European clients.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I still have a feeling there is something more to this. He has sensed something or is worried about something - maybe you are not aware of it Oksana, but its there.

I agree that this should have been thrashed out in more detail before the wedding, but it is highly likely that he did not feel this or even consider it at the time - this is something that has developed at some point in the time you have been married. He has seen something, or sensed something over which his insecurity and/or jealousy has flared up.

I also agree that this is not about your dancing. I am sure with all threats (perceived or real) removed, he would love to see you dance and enjoy yourself. And this is the real issue that has to be dealt with. He probably is too male to discuss his insecurity with you without appearing weak. You really need to spend some time getting to the bottom of this so that he feels loved, reassured and non-threatened without appearing weak. Tough but do-able. HOWEVER … it takes time together, a commodity that the two of you do not appear to have at the moment. You are both wrapped up in careers that are time-demanding. To the point that your marriage is a distant second to each of your careers. And that is what will cause the divorce. Someone mentioned that distance apart and lack of time together has crept in between you and there is real detachment happening on both sides. Sad … but this is what it looks like to me on the outside.

So in short, no matter who is to blame for not discussing it or ignoring it or whatever - it is what it is right now and if nothing is done other than make offers that the other won't accept, this marriage is doomed and you might as well prepare for divorce.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

When he first married you, you had only been dancing with your partner a few years. He probably was not happy with it but did not know that you would still be doing it all these years later. You acknowledge that he us not happy with the skimpy outfits, you being away for two weeks with your partner, you not communicating with him much during that two weeks, and the sensual touching that is now so common in ballroom dancing. You are regularly traveling with your partner one week out of every month doing this. Being honest, I for one would not have married someone like you (nor you me), and neither would your husband had he been thinking straight and not so in love with you. Neither of you are right or wrong here, you are just no longer compatible if this is the lifestyle that you wish to continue.

As time passes you will need to decide what is more important to you, your marriage or dancing with your partner all over the world. No one would blame you if you pick dancing over your husband, but please understand that is the choice you must soon make. And just like you get to decide what you want in life, so does he. If he mislead himself into thinking that he could deal with it, the sooner that he acknowledges this and moves on the better for the two of you.

Stop listening to people telling you that you are right and he is wrong, as it is not about that. It is about two people and their happiness. He is not wrong for feeling the way that he does about your dancing, and neither are you. It just may be that the two of you are not meant to be. You now know the real him. It is time to decide, dancing or him. I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Vega said:


> This is _completely_ unfair to the OP. Doesn't matter that she "took a vow". She did so under _false_ pretenses after being misled.


Most of the vows that I have heard are along the lines of "all that I am I give to you". You marry the person that is stood there in front of you, the engagement period is when you should really be getting to know each other. If you misrepresent yourself during that period or expect the other person to change once you are married then the vows become pretty irrelevant.

And the getting married *then* telling your spouse all the ways they need to change to be the partner you want is a sore spot for me that I won't go into, it's a big reason that W#1 is now XW!!


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Well from my perspective he shouldn't be telling you to quit because he knew about it before he married you. However there is no job or career that comes before my family. So if your having this conflict the fact that you would consider divorce over a job, any job then the marriage is bad in the first place. You should just keep pursuing your career as you want and the onus is on him to deal with it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TRy said:


> You now know the real him. It is time to decide, dancing or him. I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what you miss, she is not changing the agreement he is. Therefor she doesn't have to decide anything, he does.

PS he has a right to his opinion but to ask her to stop dancing means he is wrong because marriage takes sacrifice, she is willing to do some of that he isn't. And he is week.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

giddiot said:


> Well from my perspective he shouldn't be telling you to quit because he knew about it before he married you. However there is no job or career that comes before my family. So if your having this conflict the fact that you would consider divorce over a job, any job then the marriage is bad in the first place. You should just keep pursuing your career as you want and the onus is on him to deal with it.


 He may have never imagined that she would still be doing this all these years later with no end in sight. He may have been able to "deal with it" at first, but as time has passed, and as he has changed, he no longer can as he now wants a more normal life and wife. Bottom line, if he is no longer happy sharing so much of his wife with her dance partner (I am not talking sex), he has an obligation as her husband to tell her this, prior to dealing with this by eventually ending the marriage. A direction this is definitely heading towards.

BTW, the OP mentioned in passing that they had decided not to have children. This may have been done in part to accommodate her dancing, and perhaps he has changed his mind and now wants a marriage where he can have children. She has a right to keep dancing if it makes her happy, but her husband has a right to be happy too, even if it means that he acknowledges that her lifestyle is no longer something he wants to "deal with".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TRy said:


> He may have never imagined that she would still be doing this all these years later with no end in sight. He may have been able to "deal with it" at first, but as time has passed, and as he has changed, he no longer can as he now wants a more normal life and wife. Bottom line, if he is no longer happy sharing so much of his wife with her dance partner (I am not talking sex), he has an obligation as her husband to tell her this, prior to dealing with this by eventually ending the marriage. A direction this is definitely heading towards._Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is marriage, what if she gets sick, what if he gets sick, you learn to compromise and deal with things, you don't ask people to change there whole lives around because you are insecure. 

He needs to figure out how he can deal with it. She has offered to compromise now it's time for him to. That is what it takes to be in a marriage. If he can't handle it then he should divorce her, since he says he doesn't want to then time for him to suck it up, man up and deal.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

TRy said:


> BTW, the OP mentioned in passing that they had decided not to have children. This may have been done in part to accommodate her dancing, and perhaps he has changed his mind and now wants a marriage where he can have children. She has a right to keep dancing if it makes her happy, but her husband has a right to be happy too, even if it means that he acknowledges that her lifestyle is no longer something he wants to "deal with".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be my first guess in this situation. Because he wants her to sit at home and do nothing. And if she is lonely? Well they could have a baby and she would have company. Or some weird controlling thing to have her at home as a housewife. If he solely had a problem with her travelling or having a male dance partner then he would just want her to stop competetive dancing and but still teach dance classes. But this "stay at home while I travel" stuff is really weird.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sokillme said:


> This is what you miss, she is not changing the agreement he is. Therefor she doesn't have to decide anything, he does.


 This is what you miss, I know that he is changing the agreement and I am saying so what. Also, he has decided and has told her so. He wants to change the agreement because he is not happy with the way that it has worked out. From what he is telling her, unless things change, eventually he will probably be ending the marriage over his unhappiness with her unusual lifestyle. Her asserting that she is right and that she thus does not need to address this issue, is her defacto making the decision that she picks dancing and her dance partner over him even it means divorce. You may argue all you want about how unfair this is, but that does not change the fact that her decisions on dancing will determine if she remains married or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TRy said:


> This is what you miss, I know that he is changing the agreement and I am saying so what. Also, he has decided and has told her so. He wants to change the agreement because he is not happy with the way that it has worked out. From what he is telling her, unless things change, eventually he will probably be ending the marriage over his unhappiness with her unusual lifestyle. Her asserting that she is right and that she thus does not need to address this issue, is her defacto making the decision that she picks dancing and her dance partner over him even it means divorce. You may argue all you want about how unfair this is, but that does not change the fact that her decisions on dancing will determine if she remains married or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope it's his determination that he can't handle her dancing that determines the marriage. She already offered divorce he said no, so guess he has to suck it up. She is not going to be his secretary because he is weak, and she shouldn't, that is not how life works in the 21st century.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Nope it's his determination that he can't handle her dancing that determines the marriage. She already offered divorce he said no, so guess he has to suck it up. She is not going to be his secretary because he is weak, and she shouldn't, that is not how life works in the 21st century.


 Now you are just making stuff up. Nowhere does the OP ever say anything like "She already offered divorce he said no". In fact in post #63 of this thread she indicates the exact opposite when in answer to a direct question of if she would pick divorce over giving up dancing she says "Not at all! I love my husband dearly and if it came down to it I would give it up than risk a divorce."

You telling her to stick to her guns and for him to suck it up, is not helpful to her stated goal of remaining married to her husband. I am just being factual in telling her where this is heading, well others on this thread want to debate who is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: Your husband is telling you truthfully what he feels about your dancing with this other man and of the dancing lifestyle. He is telling you to your face that right or wrong he is unhappy. You ignore these feelings at peril to your marriage. You are lucky that you have a strong enough marriage that he is being truthful with you knowing that you would not like this. In all too many threads on this site, the spouse leaves the marriage without telling the spouse beforehand that they were unhappy. 

If you want to argue who is right, I give it to you as your husband knew the deal when he married you; your husband would also probably agree that you are right based on this. But if you want to stay married to this man, you need to stop telling him by your inaction to just suck it up, as he increasingly no longer wants to just deal with it. I have seen this type of martial disagreement before. If you keep dancing, it is doubtful that you will still be married to this man when you reach 35. No action by you on this will be seen by your husband as a decision not to address his unhappiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OksanaR said:


> I offered to retire from international competitions and it still wasn't enough for him. Finally I asked him if he deep down wanted a divorce from me which made him very angry and upset that I even brought that up to him. He refused the suggestion and told me to never mention that to him again


First she already offered to compromise as the quote above, so I don't know why you keep saying she is taking no action. Where is his action? He basically said he doesn't want to divorce. So he needs to work on his insecurities.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sokillme said:


> First she already offered to compromise as the quote above, so I don't know why you keep saying she is taking no action. Where is his action? He basically said he doesn't want to divorce. So he needs to work on his insecurities.


 Her offer to only give up international competition, but not competitive dancing with her partner which accounts for most of her travel, is just not enough for him. As for the way she brought up divorce, he took it as a threat by her of divorce. This is why I am trying to warn the OP that although she tells us that she would give up dancing rather than risk divorce, she is not telling that to him. From his point of view she made it clear that his choice is either deal with her dancing, or divorce if he does not like it. As things stand now, it is now primed for her to one day hear from her husband that he wants a divorce, with her giving up dancing no longer being something that she can do to save her marriage. But go ahead and keep telling her she is right and her husband is wrong. After the divorce I hope being right is enough for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I think a general problem for many is that they assume nothing should change after marriage. They say vows about total commitment, forsaking others - but don't imagine that anything 'day to day' should be different than before. 

However after someone becomes your 'husband' or 'wife' - things ARE different. Perhaps you don't realise this until a little while into the marriage. It can actually sneak up on you! Wife and Husband are titles that expect things of you. I feel it actually implies that yes - things that used to be number one now take a back seat to your other half. When you marry someone, that's a statement to the world that THEY are your number one. Things that were ok before - aren't really appropriate now.

When you were dating, he thought it was 'hot' to date a dancer and maybe saw himself in competition with your dance partner. Then when you became married, you are HIS WIFE, he may have started to feel disrespected each time chose to be with your dance partner instead of him. And feel he's NOT the #1 man as his title of "Husband" implies. He probably didn't realize he would start to feel this way after you became his Wife. He probably had some subconscious stream that once you were his wife you would slow down on your ambitions, he would be enough for you, you'd follow his lead and be there more for him (these are slightly old fashioned ideals, but we're still brainwashed by society to have these expectations and judge others by them).

The sudden ultimatum he seems to have given you might have been triggered by something. Maybe a friend of his joked "can't believe you're ok with your wife dancing like that with another man all the time" - he's realised for some reason, that his secret feelings of being disrespected are ALSO what other people are thinking.

I know your dancing is a profession. As a woman you may well keep all your feelings professional and work orientated. Many on this forum feel that in a marriage - one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex (who's even remotely compatible) is very risky for the marriage and doesn't honour the other partner. And as professional as you may consider your work - ballroom dancing is a VERY intimate thing, moving in unison with someone of the opposite sex, joined at the groin area, a perfect expression in Yin and Yang in harmony. The bond you have with your dance partner is very strong, and even the most secure man would feel his marriage threatened. 

It sucks that neither of you realised this may become an issue. There has to be some middle ground...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Idun said:


> I think a general problem for many is that they assume nothing should change after marriage. They say vows about total commitment, forsaking others - but don't imagine that anything 'day to day' should be different than before.
> 
> However after someone becomes your 'husband' or 'wife' - things ARE different. Perhaps you don't realise this until a little while into the marriage. It can actually sneak up on you! Wife and Husband are titles that expect things of you. I feel it actually implies that yes - things that used to be number one now take a back seat to your other half. When you marry someone, that's a statement to the world that THEY are your number one. Things that were ok before - aren't really appropriate now.
> 
> ...


Joined at the groin area? Really? :scratchhead:

You must have seen some very unusual ballroom dancing...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He wants her to give up dancing.

Does this include not teaching, also?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Joined at the groin area? Really? :scratchhead:
> 
> You must have seen some very unusual ballroom dancing...


Really? :scratchhead: Seems pretty standard.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

TRy said:


> @OP: Your husband is telling you truthfully what he feels about your dancing with this other man and of the dancing lifestyle. He is telling you to your face that right or wrong he is unhappy. *You ignore these feelings at peril to your marriage*. You are lucky that you have a strong enough marriage that he is being truthful with you knowing that you would not like this. In all too many threads on this site, the spouse leaves the marriage without telling the spouse beforehand that they were unhappy.
> 
> If you want to argue who is right, I give it to you as your husband knew the deal when he married you; your husband would also probably agree that you are right based on this. But if you want to stay married to this man, you need to stop telling him by your inaction to just suck it up, as he increasingly no longer wants to just deal with it. I have seen this type of martial disagreement before. If you keep dancing, it is doubtful that you will still be married to this man when you reach 35. No action by you on this will be seen by your husband as a decision not to address his unhappiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And he already knows that by expecting her to give up dancing COMPLETELY will cause HER to be unhappy, so he is ignoring_ her _feelings. 

He is not only wanting her to give up dancing, but he also wants her to work for him in his profession, which she has no interest in. 

I still wonder if he would be willing to give up his career and join her in her career. If not, then he's behaving out of arrogance. Not exactly the best quality to have as a spouse.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Vega said:


> And he already knows that by expecting her to give up dancing COMPLETELY will cause HER to be unhappy, so he is ignoring_ her _feelings.


 Is he asking her to give up dancing completely, or is he asking her to give up competition dancing with her partner? She said that when she eventually does retire from competition dancing that she would like to stay in dancing as a teacher, would he be OK with that? As for him caring for her feelings, she has acknowledged that he has never been happy with it their entire 6 years of marriage, and that he has been sucking it up and dealing with it all this time. I think that he is now thinking that enough is enough, my happiness matters too.

I acknowledge that this was the deal when they married, but is it your opinion that he has no right to end the marriage if he is unhappy with this deal and is no longer willing to live with this deal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

TRy said:


> Is he asking her to give up dancing completely, or is he asking her to give up competition dancing with her partner? She said that when she eventually does retire from competition dancing that she would like to stay in dancing as a teacher, would he be OK with that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He wants her to give up dancing completely and go to work for him in his business. 



> As for him caring for her feelings, she has acknowledged that he has never been happy with it their entire 6 years of marriage, and that he has been sucking it up and dealing with it all this time. I think that he is now thinking that enough is enough, my happiness matters too.


Yes, he admitted to her only recently that he has never been happy with it...which includes the time BEFORE they were married. 



> I acknowledge that this was the deal when they married, *but is it your opinion that he has no right to end the marriage if he is unhappy with this deal and is no longer willing to live with this deal*?


Oh, goodness no! In fact I believe that it's up to _him_ to solve this issue, one way or another. Either he needs to find a way to get over his insecurities and offer her a compromise that's acceptable to BOTH of them, or _he_ needs to let her go. If he doesn't want to let her go, but tries to badger her into making this extreme sacrifice, only then do I think that she should seek a divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TRy said:


> But go ahead and keep telling her she is right and her husband is wrong. After the divorce I hope being right is enough for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP your right and your husband is wrong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Idun said:


> Really? :scratchhead: Seems pretty standard.


If what you show is standard, then why would he have wanted to even date a professional dancer, let alone marry one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

You'd have to ask him I guess!

Only OP could guess how many hours, minutes, whatever that her dance partners groin has been pressed against hers whilst they have danced over the years. Perhaps their dancing is only with touching arms and plenty of space between the bodies (as with some waltzing) - but that doesn't really seem to be the norm especially given her description of revealing costumes. Either way - one-on-one dancing is intimate, and she has said that they have chemistry when performing. It would be impossible for this chemistry not to affect them at any other time.

OP - has your dance partner ever propositioned you in any way, come on to you, or suggested somehow that he would like more from you - if he had the chance? If he ever has, your husband WOULD be able to pick up on this (regardless of any reassurance you offer).

Either way it's understandable why it would make a husband uncomfortable, not as much during dating when she is more available - more so when she's vowed to forsake all others for him. He should have realised and dealt with the issue earlier, but I am guessing he's been bottling it up as OP says he's never been controlling about anything else. I am most curious as to what the trigger has been for him, he wouldn't be asking her to quit out of the blue. But at the end of the day you make compromises in marriage - not major sacrifices (unless good reason). She's made reasonable offers to compromise, he cannot expect her to completely stop - there must be a middle ground. It's definitely a tough situation.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Dancing is really sexy and romantic.

Sorry Oksana, you're in a tough spot.

I think your husband has changed over time and what was maybe once mild jealousy has deepened into something more serious.

If you went to work at his company; could you still take dancing classes that don't require a partner; tap, ballet, modern jazz, belly dancing?

He should go dancing with you as often as possible.

Marriage is compromise. Keep dancing in your life, maybe teaching children, not adults? Nothing that involves travelling.


And I would tell a man who was a dancer and had a jealous wife the same thing.

This reminds me of women married to rock stars. How can they do it. You might be able to do it for a few years; then you just don't want him out there anymore---you want him to yourself.

Good luck. Keep up your dancing in one way or another----what a beautiful form of exercise and self expression.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> If what you show is standard, then why would he have wanted to even date a professional dancer, let alone marry one?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Beauty and sex appeal.:x


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TRy said:


> Is he asking her to give up dancing completely, or is he asking her to give up competition dancing with her partner? She said that when she eventually does retire from competition dancing that she would like to stay in dancing as a teacher, would he be OK with that? As for him caring for her feelings, she has acknowledged that he has never been happy with it their entire 6 years of marriage, and that he has been sucking it up and dealing with it all this time. I think that he is now thinking that enough is enough, my happiness matters too.
> 
> I acknowledge that this was the deal when they married, but is it your opinion that he has no right to end the marriage if he is unhappy with this deal and is no longer willing to live with this deal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When she retires from competition and starts teaching her "worth" as a teacher will be based upon the level of success that she had as a top class competitor.

Anyone has the right to end their marriage if they are not happy. It's just duplicitous to enter a into a marriage with someone and then after the fact decide that you no longer like what they are when they haven't changed.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Idun said:


> I think a general problem for many is that they assume nothing should change after marriage. They say vows about total commitment, forsaking others - but don't imagine that anything 'day to day' should be different than before.
> 
> However after someone becomes your 'husband' or 'wife' - things ARE different. Perhaps you don't realise this until a little while into the marriage. It can actually sneak up on you! Wife and Husband are titles that expect things of you. I feel it actually implies that yes - things that used to be number one now take a back seat to your other half. When you marry someone, that's a statement to the world that THEY are your number one. Things that were ok before - aren't really appropriate now.
> 
> When you were dating, he thought it was 'hot' to date a dancer and maybe saw himself in competition with your dance partner. Then when you became married, *you are HIS WIFE*, he may have started to feel disrespected each time chose to be with your dance partner instead of him. And feel he's NOT the #1 man as his title of "Husband" implies. He probably didn't realize he would start to feel this way after you became his Wife. He probably had some subconscious stream that once you were his wife you would slow down on your ambitions, he would be enough for you, you'd follow his lead and be there more for him (these are slightly old fashioned ideals, but we're still brainwashed by society to have these expectations and judge others by them).


The way I interpret the titles "his wife" and "her husband" are of a union and partnership, not of owning and control. 



Idun said:


> The sudden ultimatum he seems to have given you might have been triggered by something. Maybe a friend of his joked "can't believe you're ok with your wife dancing like that with another man all the time" - he's realised for some reason, that his secret feelings of being disrespected are ALSO what other people are thinking.


Maybe he needs new friends who don't think like frat boys. I'd be proud of being married to someone who was winning dance competitions at international level if I were him.



Idun said:


> I know your dancing is a profession. As a woman you may well keep all your feelings professional and work orientated. Many on this forum feel that in a marriage - one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex (who's even remotely compatible) is very risky for the marriage and doesn't honour the other partner. And as professional as you may consider your work - ballroom dancing is a VERY intimate thing, moving in unison with someone of the opposite sex, joined at the groin area, a perfect expression in Yin and Yang in harmony. The bond you have with your dance partner is very strong, and even the most secure man would feel his marriage threatened.
> 
> It sucks that neither of you realised this may become an issue. There has to be some middle ground...


No one would dispute that ballroom dancing is physically close, but unless the costumes have got really skimpy and cr****less and her partner is able to foxtrot with a h*** on I think describing it as "joined at the groin area" is going overboard. If they don't concentrate 100% on the dance then they would be losing the competitions pretty quick.


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