# New Year, New Me



## realmvpisme (Dec 31, 2017)

I used to follow TAM a fair bit about three or four years ago. I first started browsing this website while attempting to save my marriage After I admitted to having an affair. I always felt like I got a lot of good advice and support here. I wish that I could say things were different today than they are. 

Roughly year after we were married, my wife began experiencing significant health issues. After visiting with what seem like a small army of doctors, they finally told us, much to my wife’s relief, that she had fibromyalgia. In addition to the Fibro she also had thyroid issues that have been going on since she was a kid but was actively being treated for. 

In addition to the regular, severe discomfort she experiences, she is also very severely depressed. She has spoken numerous times about wanting to “end it all“ and has expressed a desire to kill her self. It’s gotten so bad that she was recently fired from her job (which I don’t think had anything to do with her state of mind although I’m not 100 percent convinced of that either) and I had to take her to the emergency room because she was acting out very erratically and I was concerned for both her and my safety. 

After her visit to the ER, her parents and I agreed that she should go stay with them for a while since I did not feel comfortable leaving her at home alone while I had to go to work throughout the day. She’s been there for the last couple of weeks and we have not interacted very much throughout that time. 

During my time Home alone I have had the opportunity to do a lot of reading and a lot of reflecting. I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time. We’ve been to about three different marriage counselors over the last several years and to be honest even though I feel like i’ve got a great deal of value out of counseling I don’t feel like my wife has. I started reading “no more Mr. nice guy“ this past week after hearing it recommended several times of the years, including by at least Marriage counselor, and it has definitely been and Eye opening read.

I felt like the author was talking almost directly to me. A lot of the behaviors Listed in the book are behaviors that I have adopted in my relationships with people. I was verbally and physically abused by my dad as a child it occurred to me while I was reading the book that I lived almost my entire life with the hope of getting the approval of other people. Much of what I say and do is very carefully orchestrated in order to elicit the least negative response from the other party as possible because I am afraid of confrontation. I’ve incorporated a lot of this behavior into my marriage. I have, Up to this point, been operating under the false assumption that by taking care of my wife and her time of need she would love me. The reality is that most the time it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m there. 

We talked the other day and she asked me for a point blank, “do you miss me like a husband should miss his wife?” She told me that I could tell the truth and she wouldn’t be upset. I was about to spit out a canned response consisting of what I thought she would like to hear but something the back of my mind went back to what I read in the book: by telling my wife what I thought she wanted to hear, in order to get the least abrasive response out of her, I was actually lying to her and being dishonest with myself. So, I told her the truth. I have not missed her since she’s been gone. In fact very little has changed at all. Business around here continues as usual. 

As you would probably expect, the promise of not being upset was short-lived. She started offering up excuses about how she didn’t feel good and then she turned on me and started to insult me and say very hurtful things about me. I have learned that it is OK and good to draw boundaries and I told her that I was not going to allow her to insult me but if she wanted to have an adult conversation I was more than happy to do that. The insults continued so I hung up. We have spoken very little since then.

I am tired of the same old patterns over and over again. We’ve been to marriage counseling numerous times and I have tried to talk to her about the issues within our relationship Only to have a freak out on me, at which point I drop it because of my fear of confrontation. 

At this point I intended to tell her that I want to divorce. It is been very hard to come to this conclusion for several reasons. First, it feels like failure even though I know it’s really not. Second, it feels like kicking her when she’s down in a way. She is physically sick and that does have a very negative influence on every other part of life. I understand that. I can deal with the illness but what I can’t deal with is the consistent complete lack of action. I keep trying to communicate the issues in our relationship to her and I get absolutely nothing in response. 

I’m planning to do some self-care as well because I have identified some unresolved bad behavioral patterns that ever made for my abusive childhood. I feel like I have made great progress over the years in resolving those issues but I’m not to the place that I want to be at yet. 

I’m not even sure exactly why I’m posting on here. I really haven’t had the opportunity to talk to anyone else about this yet and to be honest I’m scared. I think I know what I want for myself but the thought of what it’s going to take to get there leaves a knot in my stomach. 

Thanks for reading. It does feel good to be “heard” and understood.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Real, welcome to TAM and Happy New Year's Eve! I suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. 

I am mentioning BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) because some of the behaviors you mention (e.g., verbal abuse, threats of suicide, and anger issues) are red flags for BPD. Moreover, BPD seems to be strongly associated with having fibromyalgia. 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are that severe) but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong BPD symptoms. Take care, Real.


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