# It's not him, it's me



## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

Hi. I am a 36 year old married woman. I have one child and another on the way. I have been married 4 years.

I want to preface this by saying that my husband is the most kind and loving man I have ever had in my life (and I was kind of wild, so there was a lot of them). He takes absolute joy in our family and I could not have asked for a better man. He was not my type when we met, physically or otherwise. But, I couldn't help but fall in love with him.

The problem is me and I know it. Over the last year, my attraction to him has waned. I am not just talking sexual attraction, just overall attraction. He gained a little bit of weight, but that is not it at all. I have tried really hard to put my finger on what is causing this and I can't. 

I was diagnosed with something called Post-Pastum OCD (kind of a cousin to Post Partum Depression), but I am completely open with him about my toughts and feelings and we discuss them regularly.

I do have issues with his parents, big issues. But, he is supportive and agrees with me.

We have been under financial strain. We both made an equal salary, but I had to quit my job to stay home with my daughter when she was born, because she was born with health issues. The health issues are, thankfully, completely resolved and she is a thriving little girl. I live in an area where no teaching jobs are available, so I took a job in a different field for less pay. But, again, we communicate openly about this and view our struggles as a team struggle.

I just don't know how to be attracted to him again and I very much want to because I do love him. But, I feel that it is not fair to him to be married to someone that is kind of turned off by him. He deserves someone that will love him and be attracted to him fully.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get the attraction back?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

asandsnake said:


> Hi. I am a 36 year old married woman. I have one child and another on the way. I have been married 4 years.


Welcome, nice to hear and congrats!



asandsnake said:


> I want to preface this by saying that my husband is the most kind and loving man I have ever had in my life (and I was kind of wild, so there was a lot of them).


This right here might be your issue. You are used to mix/change etc and now you decided to be in a long term relationship.

You will have to learn to ignore your "play/change" side. It won't be easy but I think you do owe it to yourself, your husband and your family to stand by your word/choices you have made (to get married).



asandsnake said:


> He takes absolute joy in our family and I could not have asked for a better man. He was not my type when we met, physically or otherwise. But, I couldn't help but fall in love with him.
> 
> The problem is me and I know it. Over the last year, my attraction to him has waned. I am not just talking sexual attraction, just overall attraction. He gained a little bit of weight, but that is not it at all. I have tried really hard to put my finger on what is causing this and I can't.


What have you or your husband done about this to spice things up a bit? Dates? one one one time (no kids) etc?

Anything?

Continue to try to identify what that might be, but I have a feeling it goes back to my 2nd reply.......you are simply used to new partners/change.......

This might be a tough one to overcome.



asandsnake said:


> I was diagnosed with something called Post-Pastum OCD (kind of a cousin to Post Partum Depression), but I am completely open with him about my toughts and feelings and we discuss them regularly.


Sorry to hear, last sentence sounds great. Continue to do so!!! Communication/honesty is important in a marriage!




asandsnake said:


> I do have issues with his parents, big issues. But, he is supportive and agrees with me.
> 
> We have been under financial strain. We both made an equal salary, but I had to quit my job to stay home with my daughter when she was born, because she was born with health issues. The health issues are, thankfully, completely resolved and she is a thriving little girl. I live in an area where no teaching jobs are available, so I took a job in a different field for less pay. But, again, we communicate openly about this and view our struggles as a team struggle.
> 
> ...


My primary suspect would be "hormones" during pregnancy. 

Schedule date nights.
Do something spontaneous (in an intimate way). Maybe in the woods....
Do something completely different than usual.
Ask HIM to mix things up (he has to work even harder than you on this).

He should also take you seriously on the weight issue (this can be a contributor).

But I keep thinking back to what you stated about many partners. It's kind of like buying a new car every 1-2 or 3 years and than settling on one and keeping it for LIFE.

How many people do that?

How is your sex life currently?

I think you might have to fight a bit harder with your brain here. It can trick you into your old ways and you can trick it into your new ways as well (don't forget that). 

Clearly, in the past you liked the thrill. Was it sexual thing or did you just like change? This might be impossible to overcome (to be honest). Some people are simply wired this way (nothing wrong with it).

Me for example, I'm more old school and I stick with my decisions/more of a keeper type. Once I go with something, even if I may have some regrets I live with the decision and usually am happy with it. This helps me in LTR......and especially materialistic things (my cars are all 13+ years old and I like it that way). If it ain't broke, don't fix it.....why waste money on a new one (that's rather wasteful to me).

Last resort would be counseling (alone) and if that doesn't work, with your husband.

Regardless, I think you should stick with your commitment and I hope you can grow that attraction back up.

AND it can also simply be the entire 80/20 rule. You are simply chasing/desiring 20% that your loved one can never give you, remember, you might lose the 80% that you love about him and you married him for.

There is really nothing wrong with anything you said and it's important that you recognize these things about yourself. Good work! Keep it up!

Good luck, keep us posted.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There is a flaw in your thinking about how life works.

Kids, Pregnancy, Sick Kids, money problems, living together, life's stresses, life's annoyances... These are attraction killers. Work must be done on your part to overcome them.

It really comes down to what kind of person are you?
One that accepts the reality of the choices they made, and works through it as families have done for ages, or someone that thinks they are entitled to screw up everyone's lives around then if the don't feel "attraction".


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That's a great way to summarize it all Hicks.

:smthumbup:


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

Thanks DoF!

For me, it was more about the thrill. That first kiss, first touch, you know? Sends shivers down your spine. I was 30 when I met my husband and had a long time to excercise that thrill muscle. I also had some very adventurous partners and my husband tends to be a little conservative, though I have worked hard to get him a little more open to trying new things. And I definitely do not want to have sex with anyone else. I do love him. I am just not attracted anymore.

We don't have sex that often. Truthfully, being pregnant, I am pretty tired and my toddler still wakes up at night. But, we do "schedule" it in. Like, we planned to be intimate tonight. I admit that it sometimes is not what I want to do, due to my lack of attraction, but I think that it stills bonds us and I do enjoy myself once we are in the process of things. 

We do try to have dates nights, though most of them are in-house dates after our daughter goes to sleep. But, we enjoy cooking meals together and shutting off our phones and gadgets and just talking.

I agree that this pregnancy could be contributing to things. This has been a rougher pregnancy than my last. But, my feeings started before this pregnancy. 

Thanks for your reply, you have given me some food for thought


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

Hicks said:


> There is a flaw in your thinking about how life works.
> 
> Kids, Pregnancy, Sick Kids, money problems, living together, life's stresses, life's annoyances... These are attraction killers. Work must be done on your part to overcome them.
> 
> ...


I guess we have a different idea of exactly what goes into a relationship. I think that attraction has to play a role, amongst many other things.

I like to think of myself as someone that is grateful for her partner, loves her family, and is looking for advice on how to work out this issue I have. I fail to see how I feel "entitled to screw up everyone's lives around them". I am not even sure I understand what you mean by this. I guess I did not make it clear that I do not want to end my marriage. I feel a certain amount of guilt and feel that he deserves someone that is attracted to him, but nowhere did I say that I wanted to throw in the towel.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

asandsnake said:


> Thanks DoF!
> 
> For me, it was more about the thrill. That first kiss, first touch, you know? Sends shivers down your spine. I was 30 when I met my husband and had a long time to excercise that thrill muscle. I also had some very adventurous partners and my husband tends to be a little conservative, though I have worked hard to get him a little more open to trying new things. And I definitely do not want to have sex with anyone else. I do love him. I am just not attracted anymore.


I understand. I think your biggest issue is that you got yourself into a situation (marriage/kids/family) that is NOT really for you (based on your history).

This is a dangerous step for you to take. And you are pulling your husband AND kids with you now.



asandsnake said:


> We don't have sex that often. Truthfully, being pregnant, I am pretty tired and my toddler still wakes up at night. But, we do "schedule" it in. Like, we planned to be intimate tonight. I admit that it sometimes is not what I want to do, due to my lack of attraction, but I think that it stills bonds us and I do enjoy myself once we are in the process of things.


Pregnancy sex SHOULD happen often. Probably some of the better time TO have sex. I don't know, my wife wanted it, I wanted it....and let's face it, it's the ONLY time you can go inside.

I would start here. More intimacy!



asandsnake said:


> We do try to have dates nights, though most of them are in-house dates after our daughter goes to sleep. But, we enjoy cooking meals together and shutting off our phones and gadgets and just talking.


Start scheduling things outside of household/no kids. Do things together, go out and have fun.

Everything else there is normal/sounds good. LTR is all about companionship and compromise. How much are you willing to give up for another person.

Are YOU willing to give up your "thrill" you enjoyed and participated in for so long? 



asandsnake said:


> I agree that this pregnancy could be contributing to things. This has been a rougher pregnancy than my last. But, my feeings started before this pregnancy.


Give it time. Young kids and pregnancies are TOUGH on parents. This is the time where a LOT if NOT ALL focus is on the children. And sometimes we forget about eachother.



asandsnake said:


> Thanks for your reply, you have given me some food for thought


Anytime, your welcome


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

asandsnake said:


> I guess we have a different idea of exactly what goes into a relationship. I think that attraction has to play a role, amongst many other things.
> 
> I like to think of myself as someone that is grateful for her partner, loves her family, and is looking for advice on how to work out this issue I have. I fail to see how I feel "entitled to screw up everyone's lives around them". I am not even sure I understand what you mean by this. I guess I did not make it clear that I do not want to end my marriage. I feel a certain amount of guilt and feel that he deserves someone that is attracted to him, but nowhere did I say that I wanted to throw in the towel.


The entire attraction thing is something that happens VERY early in the dating. You meet someone and you are either attracted to them or not.

Perhaps you ignored yourself here and felt for who he is first? 

Attraction is VERY important. It seems like you had it but lost it over time, and that can simply be the consequence of your history of playing around. Based on your actions you are wired to be attracted > let go > next


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

so let me sum it up... and please know this is coming from a place of compassion even though it sounds cold:

1. you had a lot of "exciting" partners... and settled for someone less exciting because he gave you what they didn't
2. if his weight gain wasn't an issue you wouldn't have mentioned it. So tell it to him: "husband your weight is making me less attracted to you."
3. you're pregnant and hormonal. When my wife was pregnant I discovered that:
a) I'm not attracted to pregnant women (not something I can control and something I'd change if I could)
b) my wife pregnant = crazy wife = unattractive wife

I'd recommend shelving the whole thing until at least 6 months after you give birth and your hormones settle down then work on spicing up your love live and asking him to get in more shape.

The risk of course is that he may get in shape and be less attracted to you and able to attract women he perceives as more attractive than you.


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> I understand. I think your biggest issue is that you got yourself into a situation (marriage/kids/family) that is NOT really for you (based on your history).
> 
> This is a dangerous step for you to take. And you are pulling your husband AND kids with you now.
> 
> ...


I am willing to give up that thrill, but I think I may need to speak with someone professional to learn how to let go. I have very strong feelings about infidelity, and that is something that has never crossed my mind. But, I feel like I have been wired to crave certan things and I think I need a professional to help me rewire.

We do focus so much on our daughter and it becomes easy to use up all the energy on a two year old. I think both of us need to refocus and remember that it is okay to take some time for us as a unit, instead of it always being the three of us.

Truth is, I can't imagine my life without him and don't want things to ever come to that.


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> I understand. I think your biggest issue is that you got yourself into a situation (marriage/kids/family) that is NOT really for you (based on your history).
> 
> This is a dangerous step for you to take. And you are pulling your husband AND kids with you now.
> 
> ...





marduk said:


> so let me sum it up... and please know this is coming from a place of compassion even though it sounds cold:
> 
> 1. you had a lot of "exciting" partners... and settled for someone less exciting because he gave you what they didn't
> 2. if his weight gain wasn't an issue you wouldn't have mentioned it. So tell it to him: "husband your weight is making me less attracted to you."
> ...


I don't think you sound cold, thanks for your feedback.

I just want to clarify, that I do not view him as being someone I "settled" for. I married him because I love him and desired a future with him. 

I think it would be wise for me to continue working on our relationship and think about this after the little bean is born.

Again, thanks for your response.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Hicks said:


> There is a flaw in your thinking about how life works.
> 
> Kids, Pregnancy, Sick Kids, money problems, living together, life's stresses, life's annoyances... These are attraction killers. Work must be done on your part to overcome them.
> 
> ...


While I appreciate what you are trying to communicate, this woman came here and shared honestly. Your response is to suggest that she might be "the kind of person" who would "screw up everyone's lives" when in fact she's trying to figure out what to do next. Your advice is basically to shut up and do some work. It would actually be helpful to her if you told her what work she needs to do (and spend a bit less time with the jabs).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

asandsnake said:


> I want to preface this by saying that my husband [I snipped out the nice guy but sexually boring stuff] I have ever had in my life (and I was kind of wild, so there was a lot of them)....He was not my type when we met, physically or otherwise.


and



asandsnake said:


> I was 30 when I met my husband and had a long time to exercise that thrill muscle. I also had some very adventurous partners and my husband tends to be a little conservative


It's ok. Own it. You slept around and got crazy with a lot of exciting dudes before settling down with someone completely different: stable, treats you well, but maybe doesn't turn your crank and rock you in the sack. You thought it would be ok.

And now there's attraction issues.

You can't logic attraction. You can't rationalize attraction. You can't love attraction issues away.

Wait until you're stable, and then face this head on.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Asandsnake I do not think you can turn it off and on like a light switch - just does not work that way. Let your husband know what would make him more physically attractive to you. If you want him to tone up, lose weight and get more muscular tell him that, in a diplomatic way, but tell him. If you would lie him to dress better, suggest a new wardrobe that you think might make him look good. Honesty is often best.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I think there may be a slight case of limerence withdrawl: 

David Sack, M.D.: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction

I think a little IC will help you work through this.

edit: No one gets to decide for a partner that they deserve better. This is disrespectful in that it presumes the partner does not know their wants/needs. You decide what's right for you, he decides what right for him.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

If you go out and find a guy you are attracted to (at the moment) and lose your marriage as a result; you will suddenly find that you are attracted to him again!!


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

Stonewall said:


> If you go out and find a guy you are attracted to (at the moment) and lose your marriage as a result; you will suddenly find that you are attracted to him again!!


This could be the worst advice ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> I think there may be a slight case of limerence withdrawl:
> 
> David Sack, M.D.: Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction
> 
> ...


I think you might be on to something with the limerance. It seems to go hand in hand with my already diagnosed PPOCD.

And it is my guilt over feeling this way that makes me say that he deserves someone better. I am ipen with him about everything else but this and that secret makes me feel awful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

asandsnake said:


> I think you might be on to something with the limerance. It seems to go hand in hand with my already diagnosed PPOCD.
> 
> And it is my guilt over feeling this way that makes me say that he deserves someone better. I am ipen with him about everything else but this and that secret makes me feel awful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can *use* this self-knowledge to the betterment of yourself and your marriage once you're ready.

This isn't a better or a worse situation. This isn't a right and wrong situation.

Use this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

asandsnake said:


> I guess we have a different idea of exactly what goes into a relationship. I think that attraction has to play a role, amongst many other things.
> 
> I like to think of myself as someone that is grateful for her partner, loves her family, and is looking for advice on how to work out this issue I have. I fail to see how I feel "entitled to screw up everyone's lives around them". I am not even sure I understand what you mean by this. I guess I did not make it clear that I do not want to end my marriage. I feel a certain amount of guilt and feel that he deserves someone that is attracted to him, but nowhere did I say that I wanted to throw in the towel.


OK good.
IT sure sounded to me like you were trying to justify royally screwing up your marriage while convincing yourself that you are doing it for your husband's own good.

You say your husband deserves someone who is attracted to him. Guess what, you can be everything he deserves. Your husband does not need to know the secret thoughts in your head. He can see and experience someone who is wildly attracted to him, and you are totally in control of this. And it can start tonight.

Regarding strategies for building attraction:
1. Recognize that your own thoughts are destructive to the life you want. Thoughts about whether you are attracted to your husband, thoughts about the feelings of initial attractiveness being so great, thoughts about really anything where you want what your husband could never provide. Thoughts about how you selected your husband for his ability to provide vs attractiveness... Believe it or not, your thoughts are you talking to yourself and you have control over what you say to yourself. Everyone who is marriage makes the choice to look at the good in their spouse or focus and fixate on the bad. Everyone "chose" someone based on a list of pros and cons... But a successful spouse sets aside the cons and goes "all in"...recognizing the future is now, and all the decision making / choice making is over. Think about your children. Do you need them to display some traits for you to love them? For you to help them? Do you ever think about this? So why think about that in relation to your husband.

2. Make your life fun and make sure your husband is involved in the fun. When you are attracted to your own life, then you are attracted to the people in it. The flip side of this is what is happening to you. Realize that in reality, life and marriage and kids are attraction killers. No matter what man is in your cross hairs as the blame point for all these stresses, you willl lose attraction for him.

3. Don't tell your husband you are not attracted to him. That is a cruel thing to do. You chose him, you married him, you brought children into the world... time for a conversation like that is over. 

4. Feelings can follow actions. Act attracted to him. Sexually rock his world consistently. This could result in your man greatly increasing his attitude, his presence, his motivation, his happiness, his willingness to do things with the kids or at home or even could cause him to want to make more money. Put him in a happy place and you can ask him for the moon and he will do his damdest to deliver it to you. And him upping his game would drive your attraction to him. Set aside thoughts about it being real vs being fake, and replace them with thoughts that you are trying an experiment to see what happens in 2 or 3 months.

5. Get babysitters and do fun things together.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wow, another excellent post Hicks

:smthumbup:


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

asandsnake said:


> This could be the worst advice ever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You missed the point as I suspected. Many of the others will get it. Read between the lines!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My parents were happily married for 62 yrs before my mom died.((never thought otherwise)) I was married almost 30 before my h made a really bad choice, in my marriage. 

Most of my peers are in long term marriages. One common thread we often talked of, in each, it seemed the couples fall in love, and out of love, with each other at different times within the years with each other, as relationships are a living will. The love for each other was always the foundation of the marriage. The feeling of love was always evolving. Sometimes felt very strong, sometimes not, sometimes not even there. 

Right now you are in the very early stages of a marriage, w young children, you have a lot on your plate. You are pregnant which really changes how you view so many things. Having young children, feeling so much on your shoulders and not a closeness to your h also is tainting your views. 

There is a lot to be said for how one view one's world. If there has been nothing that either has made that love to be questioned, then instead of looking "for" the bluebird of happiness, start looking "at" the bluebird of happiness. Start telling yourself, "I'm gonna like what this is all about." Start to see the good, the positive. Start smiling at the world and the world will smile back.

~sammy


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