# 15months on



## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

I am just wondering when I start to feel good about me again.

my WH had an affair with a very close friend of mine and I found out about it thanks to facebook messages that he left open .

It was an EA for over a year only becoming physical in the last month before I found out ,they never had sex but close enough.

He has bent over backwards and done everything possible to prove that he loves me and that he will never do this again and our marriage for the most part is better then before much better communication.

By no means is it perfect but its good .

However im not so good before this happened I was so sure of myself ,who I was ,what I had and that my hubby loved me for all that and that I was a great mum we have 6 kids.

Now I just don't know anymore I must have a really bad sense of judgment and of whats going on I have no friends left because I pushed every body away for fear if one friend could do this they all could and those that wouldn't think im an idiot for staying with him so we no longer talk.
I don't go out anywhere that I might run into her and as where I live isn't all that big its just easier not to go out.

I guess when do I stop feeling like such an idiot I think we have spent the last 10 or so months so intently focused on our marriage that im only noticing the me things now ,I have no-one to have these convocations with ,I had the marriage all my friends wanted unfortunately one of them wanted it literally.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Frazaled. Sorry you are here & for what happened TO YOU.

I capitalized that because you have to remind yourself that your H did this, not you. From my perspective, you have a terrific situation, all things considered. Yes, what you are living through is awful. Being betrayed by the person who you put your absolute trust in, brought children into the world with, and shared your most intimate thoughts & time with is horrible.

We humans are a flawed lot, no doubt about it (your hubby, your "friend(s)", and even you). However, it would appear by his words (actions speak louder though, right?) that he is remorseful and wants to stay married. This is why I think your sitch is terrific (that's probably too strong a word, but hear me out).

Let me give you some perspective, ok?

My wife betrayed me too. But when I found out, she didn't really apologize, she blamed me for her not being "happy" and wanted a divorce. Being a wealthy man at the time, she exited the marriage with a large sum of $$ and the freedom to pursue the "happiness" that had somehow escaped her in our marriage. The carnage left behind after her affair is beyond sad. Our girls' lives are changed forever (so not fair to them) and I am a wreck (but getting better everyday). 

Oh what I would give if she would have been ashamed and wanted to work on our marriage! So, from this perspective, I believe you have something to be thankful for. Your 6 children may end up continuing to have both a father & mother in the same place, bringing them up together.

It is natural for you to doubt yourself and to blame yourself. However, you shouldn't. Remember that he did this, not you. If his actions are consistent with his words, than he should do whatever you need for him to do. Exit FB? Sure, whatever you want, dear. Discontinue ALL contact with your "friend"? Naturally. Move to another town because your shame & guilt are making it difficult for you to heal? Perhaps.

Whatever it takes, he should oblige. If not, then he's not truly remorseful, & he's simply sorry he got caught!

It can take years & years to fully heal from infidelity. Be easy on yourself. 

But please, do not blame yourself for his shortcomings. Sometimes, marriages can emerge even stronger after affairs. I recommend Divorcebusting.com. It works extremely well when both parties are willing to work on the marriage.

Good luck to you & your children. Keep posting on this site. There are some very knowledgeable people here who have lived through similar situations. God bless you.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband seems remorseful and his actions tell me that he knows that it is his fault and not yours. You have had 10-15 months of time to get over the shock. I guess it takes more time for some but I do not fully understand BS people that do not feel good about themselves after the affair is over for many months.

I can understand being knocked for a loop for the first 1- 6 months but when it is not your fault at all why rake yourself over the coals after 6 months? Maybe this is where people can be so different. Frankly, I read more about BSs that are woman that feel bad about themselves for months, some years, and some for decades. Why is that?

*He is the one that betrayed you so why do you not feel good about yourself?*

I can understand the h*urt* being there for years but for someoe to feel bad for years when they did nothing wrong just puzzels me a bit.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Frankly, I read more about BSs that are woman that feel bad about themselves for months, some years, and some for decades. Why is that?
> 
> 
> I can understand the h*urt* being there for years but for someoe to feel bad for years when they did nothing wrong just puzzels me a bit.


Mr Blunt, I appreciate your perspective, really. I also appreciate what you stated on my thread as well, I really do. However, here's my opinion...

As far as why women seem to take longer to heal after being betrayed, it's my belief that in general, woman are usually just more emotional creatures. They tend to allow their emotions to guide their actions/ decisions instead of logic (that's not universal of course, just a generality). As for men, we tend to be more logical and let logic guide our actions/ decisions instead of emotion. 

I don't mean to be sexist, it's just an observation. Now, obviously it's not universal because I am a man who is typically EXTREMELY logical but when it came to my wife's betrayal, I am having a hard time letting my logical side emerge victorious over my emotional side. Go figure... people are different. 

The most ridiculous thing for me to come to grips with is that I absolutely 100% believe you are correct to suggest that I move on & not to look back, yet here I sit, still in limbo.

The good news is that I am on the path to acceptance and moving further away from denial everyday. Why I'm only going 5 mph and not the speed limit of 65 mph is a mystery to me.

As to why folks who did nothing wrong seem to feel bad even when they did nothing wrong, I'm with you here. I don't feel bad because I know I was a devoted husband, father, & provider who absolutely loved my ex. Perhaps those who still struggle feel a little responsibility for taking the relationship for granted, being lazy, etc. and some may think they helped to create an atmosphere for the infidelity to take place. If you read a lot of books on infidelity, you will see that some authors even make the suggestion the the BS contributed in some way to the affair. Those authors make my blood boil. Look, no one is perfect in a relationship but blaming abuse on the abused is bad form, in my view.

Nobody forces their spouse to go wayward. It's on them pure & simple. WS's are selfish, morally corrupt people with enormous character flaws (putting it mildly). Despite my feeling this way, I still am struggling at times with detaching. Weird, really weird.

Keep up the excellent work! Your opinion/ advice is great.


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## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

thank you ExisaWAW and Mr Blunt
I am not sure either why I cant seem to shake these feelings , I am in a great position WH dose everything he can ,has offered to move uprooting 6 kids and dragging them from there friends and schools however seems a little unfair.
I know I did nothing wrong other then to totally trust him and to believe with all my heart and soul that he would never do this .
we have been together since we were teenagers some 25 years.

The friend in question never was one to worry about what she was doing or if it would hurt other people.

for my WH he says he was curious to know what it would be like after being we me for so long and it was nice after all this time that someone else wanted him ...I have read all the emails between them and she stroked his ego to the max this dose not in any way excuse what he did but I can see how it happened.

I guess I doubt myself now I never doubted my marriage before or my hubby I guess im still getting used to that .
as they say time heals all things and as it way better then it was 6 months ago im sure it will be yet again more so in another 6 months .

thank you for listening


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Exisa
> As far as why women seem to take longer to heal after being betrayed, it's my belief that in general, woman are usually just more emotional creatures. They tend to allow their emotions to guide their actions/ decisions instead of logic (that's not universal of course, just a generality). As for men, we tend to be more logical and let logic guide our actions/ decisions instead of emotion.



Exisa, I think your general point is right on the money for most women and men. I guess I read the statement below by frazzled as more of taking the responsibility of the affair and being the guilty one.

*



I am just wondering when I start to feel good about me again.

Click to expand...

*That statement makes me think that Frazled is not feeling good about herself and is *accepting false guilt.* Nothing I have read so far by frazeled indicates that she should take any responsibility at all.

That being the situation then Exisa’ s statement below said it so very well.



> By Exisa
> Nobody forces their spouse to go wayward. It's on them pure & simple. WS's are selfish, morally corrupt people with enormous character flaws (putting it mildly). Despite my feeling this way, I still am struggling at times with detaching. Weird, really weird.


*Exisa, I love your moxy and your strength in calling it like it is and not sugar coating anything!* You better watch out you may wind up being blunt like me Ha Ha


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of Frazeled
> 
> for my WH he says he was curious to know what it would be like after being we me for so long and it was nice after all this time that someone else wanted him ...I have read all the emails between them and she stroked his ego to the max this dose not in any way excuse what he did but I can see how it happened.
> 
> I guess I doubt myself now *I never doubted my marriage before* or my hubby I guess im still getting used to that . as they say time heals all things and as it way better then it was 6 months ago im sure it will be yet again more so in another 6 months .


I can understand how you never doubted your marriage and then have the mother of all marriage busters occur with your husband’s betrayal. That innocence thinking is so sweet but in reality we find that all of *mankind has part of their nature that is not Godly. It only goes to prove that we have a fallen world that we live in.* This conversation reminded me of a scripture which I am reprinting below:
1.	Matthew 10:16 
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.


We are all capable of being a wolf at times. However, , after being hurt to the bone like you and your husband are, we can all learn that *discipline and accountability are so very important*. Discipline and accountability is not as exciting as the forbidden fruit but it pays off big time in the long haul. The forbidden fruit’s temporary exciting attraction can be defeated with a plan to build up your faith. *The forbidden fruit is exciting until you bite into it and see that it t is full of maggots*


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Fraz, in time the hurt does lessen. It does not, however, ever fully go away. There will come a time when your husband's betrayal is not at the front of your mind all of the time, but something like a little change in behaviour, a word, a nuance, anything really, will cause you to think of that betrayal, and feel the hurt again, although it will not be as great.

It really does take time, especially if this came as a bolt out of the blue for you and you had no idea there was an issue. What you can do is work on yourself. Gain confidence in yourself, become the best wife you can, but without sacrificing or slaving yourself to your husband.

I know, if my husband was to betray me again, I would be strong enough to give him the flick and develop a life without him in it. BTW, my husbands first affair was when I had 5 kids at home, 3-12.


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