# Need a Female perspective



## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

OK, Hi this is my 1st time to post here. Not sure if this should go in the sex forum or here. But since I feel that it may go beyond just the physical act of sex I decided to post here. If I need to repost it there I will. I will try to be brief. 

My wife and I went through a period of what she called "rediscovery. renewal, and 2nd honeymoon" in January of this year. During this time the Sex was outstanding better than it had ever been during our married life of almost 19 years. We have always had a good sex life, but she was very uninhibited and seemed to desire me more during this time. Since then there has been a drop off in the intensity of our sex life. We still have sex 2-3 times per week, and it is good, but nowhere near what we had in Jan. The problem is I really want to feel that desire that she had for me during the 4-5 week period. Her intensity and passion was way beyond what it is now. I have tried lots of things....hugs during the day, affectionate kisses, sweet notes and flirty messages. I have tried changing the routine of out sex life. Tried to be spontaneous. You name it I have been trying to do it. Nothing seems to light that spark like it was for that 4-5 week period. I guess my questions are... is this common? should I just wait and see if it comes back? or just let it go and enjoy the memory of what we had in January? I talked to her briefly about this Saturday. I asked her what happened, and she told me that she did not know. She called it a rediscovery, and renewal, or 2nd honeymoon...almost made it sound like a fluke. She told me that she is not any less attracted to me and that she still loves me, but does not have that same type of intensity in our intimate relationship that she had in January. 
As a background note prior to the January "rediscovery" I was going through a time when I felt empty inside and then in January I felt her love again and everything was great. I feel like we are falling backwards...Any advice will be appreciated


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

2-4 times a week? wow! I think she just leveled off hormonally & emotionally. Because 2-4 times a week after 19 years of marriage sounds pretty damn good and like she is still plenty into you.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

Ok sorry 2-4 times was a typo. 2-3 times a week is more like it. Mostly Friday and Saturday night with an occasional weeknight thrown in and I know that it looks like I am complaining about our sex life. But I am not, frequency is not the issue. Passion and desire is what I am asking about. 
Was it just an emotional and hormonal surge? am I asking too much to expect her to desire me that way often?
I just liked the passion I felt from her then, and I would like to feel it again sometime.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife went through a similar phase earlier this year. She had a sexual awakening that took place during the latter part of our marriage counseling/sex therapy sessions.

She was much more passionate about sex, and much more willing to initiate, let herself go during our lovemaking, and was open to much more experimentation:

1.) She began giving herself orgasms for the first time in her life.
2.) She expressed an interest in sex toys, light bondage, tantric sex, role-playing, etc., and took action to make these things a part of our sexual playbook.
3.) She would send me naughty text messages during the day.
4.) She was much more interested in having me please her orally, use a vibrator on her while I did oral, and she now readily performs oral on me after I take my c*ck out of her p*ssy, which she was never into before.
5.) During a 6 or 8 week period during February and March, we had sex about 5-6x per week, and 2 or 3 of those were totally mind-blowing, best-ever experiences.

It has tapered off a bit, and she has expressed some frustration about her somewhat lower desire lately. In fact, we were having sex a few days ago, it was going great, I was doing the "slow sex" thing, really deep penetration while rubbing her clit with my fingers, and she took my hand away. When I asked her about it later, she told me it felt really great, but that she just wasn't in the mood to have an orgasm, and couldn't really explain why.

She had her annual ob/gyn check-up recently, and the doctor said it's typical mid-life female hormone fluctuation. So it might not stay at the turbocharged level it once was, but I think the counseling, the hormones, and the quantity and quality of sex and intimacy we have had have permanently changed her thinking about it, and I expect that the long term prognosis for our marriage and our sexual relationship is much, much better than it was previously.

So I would say that you and your wife may have experienced a hormonal surge, and that while it may never be quite as intense as it once was, the odds of her changing her attitude about sex for the better are likely pretty good.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

Ok. Maybe it was just a surge. But there have been times before when it was like that. Ten years ago, after our last child was born and I had a vasectomy, she was really into me. Before that, it was prior to having kids that she had that strong desire for me. It compares to go from driving a Porshe for a month to driving a regular car, I liked the Porsche a lot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hormone surges are common after childbirth as well. Very common in fact.

I would be happy that you had an opportunity to enjoy it to the max when it happened, and it sounds like she has a history of these surges, it will likely happen again.

Even the guys who have Porsches generally don't drive them every day...


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> Hormone surges are common after childbirth as well. Very common in fact.
> 
> I would be happy that you had an opportunity to enjoy it to the max when it happened, and it sounds like she has a history of these surges, it will likely happen again.
> 
> Even the guys who have Porsches generally don't drive them every day...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

Yeah, but the vasectomy happened 4 and half months after the birth. It was completely related to not getting pregnant. She told me that at the time. But thanks for the comments they have helped some.
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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Eagle441977 said:


> am I asking too much to expect her to desire me that way often?


I'm afraid you are. You mentioned that she spoke of it like it was a fluke, and it probably was. Whatever it was, it's not something she has any control over in that she has no control over her hormonal changes. After 19 years of marriage, it appears she is at an age for such changes to occur. You may wish for it to happen again, but there is no guarantee that it will.

The differences between men and women seem very unfair to me and I guess to you too. Almost seems like some kind of fluke or joke by physical, hormonal, and emotional design sometimes. 

I also think sometimes that men are being unfair and unrealistic to blame their wife for not being passionate. How can a man want/ask/expect their wife to have passion if he doesn't conjure or arouse the passion within her? It's silly really since it comes from him and not her. I know you are clueless, as am I since I'm not able to tell you how to induce passion in your wife. Some men are able and some are not. Some men are that kind of lover and some are not, but all place the blame and expectations on her. That just confirms that what happened in January was likely a fluke of hormornal shift/surge of some kind and not something you have succeeded at doing all these years. I suggest changing the way you make love completely. I also submit that if you are a passionate lover, you will be more able to arouse passion in her.

One thing you might try is backing off. Make her want you and give her time to want you, rather than the expected dutiful romps 2-4 times a week.

One other thing you might look deeply into is how you treat her and how you speak to her. Feeling disrespected, belittled, put down, controlled, or mistreated in any way (please don't defend yourself to my statement, only she can answer that) is a major turn off. A woman might still be willing, but her passion light was switched off by every infraction. Like I said, her passion is up to you and not her. Even if she feels pressured to perform by your complaints or your demands/requests for sex, she is unable to produce passion from command performances. It's not something that happens just because she's having sex. It has to be induced/aroused in her.

If there are no such problems (again, only she can asnwer that), then maybe try some enhancements. I must question that you and I are talking about the same thing. I addressed passion because you mentioned passion and intensity, but passion and intensity are not synonymous necessarily. So, if intensity is actually what you want, then employment of an aphrodisiac might be helpful.

Ginseng works wonders as something of a stimulant. It intensifies nerve endings, making the nerves even more sensitive. I don't like applying the meaning of aphrodisiac to ginseng because it doesn't increase sexual desire. It doesn't make a person WANT to have sex necessarily. It makes sex feel better, thereby intensifying the experience. I found that ginseng gum works the best and the fastest. After chewing 1 or 2 sticks of the gum, I noticed the affects in 20 or 30 minutes. Ask her to try it and see if it helps you to drive her wild in bed like it did me.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

My 2 cents:
Appreciate it for what it was and DON'T keep bringing it up. She'll start to feel pressured to be that way every time and that makes it harder to be that way.

We middle aged women have our ups and downs... she was having an up in January. Perhaps a new up is ahead for...September.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks, I am starting to think that too ( to just appreciate it and go on). I only brought it up once, on Saturday, and it was very brief and very light-hearted.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

Eagle441977 said:


> Thanks, I am starting to think that too ( to just appreciate it and go on). I only brought it up once, on Saturday, and it was very brief and very light-hearted.


Well thanks for all the advice. I am going to chalk the January sexcaspades up to hormonal surge. I have decided to only worry about my own intensity and desire for her. Make sure that I am showing her how desirable she is to me. I think I already do that, but I will make sure that I am focused on my end of it more than hers. I am more than satisfied with our love life and I don't need her to validate her desire for me any more than she already does. I am lucky, I realized last night, I do get to drive a Porsche all the time. Sometimes it just goes faster. I guess once I put my concerns in writing and read the responses I realized my concerns were somewhat silly. 
On a side note, I feel stupid for not recognizing his sooner. We both have lost a lot of weight recently, 45 lbs for me and 17 for her. we started exercising pretty hard nearly everyday in Late February. So there is probably something there too.
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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

was there anything in particular you two were doing in january that is different than what you are doing now? did you have vacation time and spend it some place new? did you get hotel rooms? did you stay in by the fire? or did you do something completely different than you had ever done before? you might try going back to those things. however, remember that things do tend to get...well.. "comfortable", which is not to say "boring" but, just without that initial exciting spark until the next time you are both in sync. and i have to say 2 -3 times a week? after 19 years? kudos!!!
another thought - maybe hold off and don't have sex for a week, just a lot of teasing. see if that doesn't make the next time more fun?


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

uzername said:


> was there anything in particular you two were doing in january that is different than what you are doing now? did you have vacation time and spend it some place new? did you get hotel rooms? did you stay in by the fire? or did you do something completely different than you had ever done before? you might try going back to those things. however, remember that things do tend to get...well.. "comfortable", which is not to say "boring" but, just without that initial exciting spark until the next time you are both in sync. and i have to say 2 -3 times a week? after 19 years? kudos!!!
> another thought - maybe hold off and don't have sex for a week, just a lot of teasing. see if that doesn't make the next time more fun?


Thanks for the reply but I think everything is ok. We did go out for her birthday and get a hotel room. 1st time we have ever done that. We have had a few 'dates' since then too. We both decided that we need to do more of that. And it is fun. Spring is always a busy time for us more so than normal with our kids sports and with our jobs. Combine that with our exercising and I shouldn't be surprised that her intensity has dwindled some. 
I did do something differently yesterday when I got home from work and it paid off well. All I did was use my eyes to flirt with her when I got home from work. Nothing special was said just normal chit chat, but I made sure I smiled at her with my eyes. Well that just led to more smiles and flirting. I told her also that my questions Saturday about her 'intensity' was not a complaint or criticism and that my only concern was pleasing her as much as she does me. Well long story short, last night was great for both of us. Intensity and desire was back (not to the January levels), but very high.
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## grade_school_love&married (Dec 30, 2011)

keeper63 said:


> My wife went through a similar phase earlier this year. She had a sexual awakening that took place during the latter part of our marriage counseling/sex therapy sessions.
> 
> She was much more passionate about sex, and much more willing to initiate, let herself go during our lovemaking, and was open to much more experimentation:
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: These are common things couples do to enhance relationships that might be fading out, sexually. I think its a great thing and I would suggest it to any couple!

With my husband and I, we discussed fantasies and need it be said, it involved a third person. As long as the communication string stays open and both, or all three parties agree, its a great way to build on what's already a great thing.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

grade_school_love&married said:


> :smthumbup: These are common things couples do to enhance relationships that might be fading out, sexually. I think its a great thing and I would suggest it to any couple!
> 
> With my husband and I, we discussed fantasies and need it be said, it involved a third person. As long as the communication string stays open and both, or all three parties agree, its a great way to build on what's already a great thing.


Really? Wow Thanks for sharing... Probably not my thing...i have heard horror stories about bringing in a 3rd. Do you mind me asking if a male or female was brought in?
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