# Poll: Women's Sex Drives



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The poll answers itself.

I would ask that if you are a woman, you do not vote but are free to leave a comment.

This is not dealing with the REALITY of a female's sex drive. It is how MEN see a woman's sex drive.

Because, let's be frank. If I did a poll on 'do you satisfy your partner' men and women would both tell a VERY different story, particularly if we limited it to 'did you orgasm'.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Love this poll! LOL!

I am HD and my current woman, of 23 years, is lower drive than me but my previous partners, somewhere in the 50 range?, were mostly equal. I would say maybe 5 were noticeably higher than me and 2 were noticeably lower.

The rest were to close to me to call. Also, every one of them pursued me and slept with me within 24 hours of our first kiss.

I only pursued Mrs. Conan, who also slept with me the day she met me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Not a good poll, guy. There will be a couple of higher drive women, but not many. We know what the results will be.

I REALLY wish you put, for number 4, "Is contingent upon your emotional connection to your partner".

My wife doesn't dislike sex. She dislikes sex with me. And put it in the ladies lounge. I want to hear what they say on the matter.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Not a good poll, guy. There will be a couple of higher drive women, but not many. We know what the results will be.
> 
> I REALLY wish you put, for number 4, "Is contingent upon your emotional connection to your partner".
> 
> My wife doesn't dislike sex. She dislikes sex with me. And put it in the ladies lounge. I want to hear what they say on the matter.


Describe why it is not a good polling question.

And I don't care how women see themselves on this question. I can find some lady who will say she has a perfectly adequate sex drive. She has sex as often as SHE wants to, once a month. That might not be satisfactory to her partner.

In Sex in Marriage, I have another poll where I ask if you had at least one low drive partner in your life to get a sense of which gender has been most impacted by LD.

Not perfect but I want to get a read.

As far as the Ladies go, you can ask them yourself.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I've been with my wife nearly my entire adult life. She wasn't my first, but she's dominated the vast majority of my sexual history. However I've never been with a LD woman.

With my wife it ebbs and flows; sometimes she wants it more, sometimes I do, in the end it's about even. We're both good with about 3-4 times a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. 

I would never, ever stay with a LD/ND woman, unless there were serious, legit medical reasons. I'm also not interested in women who have "responsive drive" and need to have the right proper combination of chores done, fireplace lit, and just the right alignment of the planets to spread their legs. Sorry. I didn't wed to have to continue working for P. That sounds ridiculous to me.

I require a woman who wants sex for her own sake. Relationship ups, downs, whatever, she needs it as much as me, not just for the sake of our connection and bonding, which is enough in itself, but because she also loves to feel that pleasure regardless.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Abstaining from poll because my sample size (1) is too limited. I'm interested in the results though.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Abstaining from poll because my sample size (1) is too limited. I'm interested in the results though.


I think most men would be.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
difficult to answer. I've had two partners. One had a slightly hither drive than me, the other (my wife) very much lower.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

I have had quite a few partners, so I have a bit of comparison. That being said, a few were OWS (One Week(end) Stands), and some where for just a month or two, so the fascination of what is new comes into play, and more importantly, stepping away from everyday life, not living together, be on a vacation etc is even more so

That being said, they were as high, or higher than mine; The vigor, enthusiasm and energy topped mine by a longshot on occasions. A happy, healthy confident woman not only have the drive, but also the ability to outlast a man like me.

My wife may have a drive, but, no drive for me, and has not had so for many years. Different thing and far more dependent on the other parts of the relationship though. It gets complicated.

Come to think of it, there are subjects that are really challenging to put into a poll format......


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm a woman, so I didn't vote. And I get it's supposed to be how men view a woman's sex drive, but what is considered low and what is considered high? Wouldn't you feel that any woman who does not want to have sex as much as you to be low drive? If she is good with having it 3 times a week, but the man wants it every day is she then low drive to you? Is she only high drive if she always is ready when you are? It seems pretty relative, which I get is the point and all. Just some thoughts that came to mind


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Adeline said:


> I'm a woman, so I didn't vote. And I get it's supposed to be how men view a woman's sex drive, but what is considered low and what is considered high? Wouldn't you feel that any woman who does not want to have sex as much as you to be low drive? If she is good with having it 3 times a week, but the man wants it every day is she then low drive to you? Is she only high drive if she always is ready when you are? It seems pretty relative, which I get is the point and all. Just some thoughts that came to mind


The poll is relative to each voter. That is why I explained that I am HD. 3 times a week is lower than me. I am a freak however and my record is 5x in one hour to completion. I needed a nap afterwards though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

ericthesane said:


> I have had quite a few partners, so I have a bit of comparison. That being said, a few were OWS (One Week(end) Stands), and some where for just a month or two, so the fascination of what is new comes into play, and more importantly, stepping away from everyday life, not living together, be on a vacation etc is even more so


I am pretty much in the same boat. All my short term relationships (if some could even be called that, can I call you a taxi?) were all of the intensely passionate, rest for 20 minutes and go again kind.

My ex of over a decade was like that at first, but it dwindled to nothing and then stayed there.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

:scratchhead::scratchhead:

TAM is causing me a depression :

All those ladies who are eager to give love ; and I chose for my luck to marry mother theresa.

An I get more confused when I see Venus poll about BJ . 


crying .

Haven't had a BJ in 17 years .

ouch


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I once thought I was HD when I came here but have found out I have an average drive at best needing it every couple of days. With all my past sexual encounters I have only ever met one woman who wanted it more. She was actually by TAM definitinion HD. Should needed sex twice a day every single day and would have around 4-5 multiple orgasms per encounter. 

It was incredible to see
It was incredible to experience cause she pulled my best out of me to keep up
It was a bit terrifying thinking how I would keep up with it long term

With some exceptions to the rule I have always thought men had the higher drive but women had the higher ability.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If I do not make any moves on my wife I am sure she could go months without. She doesn't initiate at all.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Both my wives have been ready & willing whenever I wanted to have some fun.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Adeline said:


> I'm a woman, so I didn't vote. And I get it's supposed to be how men view a woman's sex drive, but what is considered low and what is considered high? Wouldn't you feel that any woman who does not want to have sex as much as you to be low drive?


For me there is a difference between "low drive" and "lower drive than me".

I would never consider any person, male or female, who genuinely craved or desired to have sex 3 times a week "low drive" no matter how much their partner wants it. That's more than a reasonable amount of sex for a majority of people, even if other people in a relationship have sex more than that. The problems are more typically going to arise with someone who wants it significantly more often than their partner. 

Now that doesn't mean that a partner is going to be satisfied with 3 times a week if they want it 7 or more times per week. Everyone's mileage varies. But I would still never consider a partner who wants it 3 times per week "low drive".


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I once thought I was HD when I came here but have found out I have an average drive at best needing it every couple of days.


TAM has a huge selection bias. In the real world no, most people, even men, aren't having sex every single day, multiple times a day, or even wanting it that much.

I haven't allowed TAM to change my definition of HD. There is TAM consensus on a number of topics and issues that I think are extraordinarily out of sync with real world norms and averages. And I say this as someone who has a few of those out of the ordinary realities when it comes to our marriage, sex life and bodies. There are things that we consider "normal" that I know are atypical for married people in real life, even if I can find like experiences on TAM.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm pretty HD and have had quite a lot of sexual partners - however, a lot of these have been short term NSA relationships which were mostly based on sex, so the HD/LD issue didn't really come up. As for long term partners, I have usually been the HD one in the relationship. When I did have a long term relationship with a man who had a higher drive than mine, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Even though we had other problems in the relationship, the sex was so good that we stayed together for 15 years. I really don't think the relationship would have lasted that long if not for the awesome sex.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

My wife went from normal drive (~9 years) to *NO* drive (~27 years) to extremely high drive (~5 years) and swears up and down that there is no connection at all to anything I've done or not done. :scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It may be arbitrary, but I view LD as once or less per week, ND ("normal" or average drive) of 2-5 times per week, and HD as more than 5 times per week. Then there may be sexless (10 times or less per year), and ultra-high drive as 10 times or more per week.

By this definition, my ex was very low drive turning to sexless. This relationship was ultra-high drive and has declined over the years to merely HD at around 7 or more times per week on average.

Several past short-term relationships were in the high-end ND or HD range. Some of that intensity may have been due to "new relationship energy" or NRE.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Phase of the moon and some ritual practices.

Honestly, I think women and men have sex drives that are equal (and equally mixed as far as HD/LD). But where the major difference comes in is I believe women care more about what you will think of them and the impression they leave on you when it comes to sex. So they are horrible communicators about it because they allow entirely too much outside stuff to influence their actions. 

Silly example: they want the relationship to be 'more'. So they didn't put out because of some irrational fear it'd be just sexual if they did that? They have that same libido... they just worry about revealing that nature; unlike most guys. 

Enter the moon. There will be some arbitrary circumstance that passes their internal checkset before they'll show that side without worrying about how you'll see them the next day. Totally random for each different person, and a moving target with a ton of variables like how mad they are at you, relationship status, how long since the last time, etc.. 

Hence the silly 3 date rules, the romantic getaway f' fest, and pretty much valentines day requirements... stupid little test to "prove ourselves" and bring them a pebble. Game has nothing to do with libido, and just because you married doesn't mean the game was won; You both just increased the stakes and rules without either telling the other how it works or what changed.

She can be horny as hell... but if you f'd up something random and arbitrary (and so easily done by even not doing), you'd be the last to know she one single thought about jumping your bones. Because she wants you to see that she's mad at you and mad girls don't 'reward' regardless of the fire between her thighs. Guys I know just aren't like that at all; we're ok with hate f'ing the women we love. Regardless, no sex = we see a LD woman because no matter what are women think, we can't read their mind and their words/actions often don't seem to correlate to their own thoughts and feelings...


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This number thing is something I overlooked.

If a guy wants it every day and twice on Sunday, I would not say a woman is 'low drive' if she thought 3 times a week was good.

However there are also men who want it three times a week...and their girlfriends or partners want it less! So in a large enough poll size, the very HD men would just become outliers.

**

Racer, part of this is to get a sense of what kind of priority women give sex vs. men. And if getting their 'mad' on is more important than getting their groove on...that is a gender difference right there. Usually (but not always) I will let go of a mad to have sex and I think a lot of guys feel the same way.

And frankly, men do not see sex as a 'cookie' for their partner if she makes a nice dinner. That 'gift' mentality, I'm not sure it's healthy. It certainly has a tendency to make the entire affair transactional instead of consensual, or even self serving.

But...for every woman who dangles sex as a reward, there is probably another who will rub her itch while mad.

Things aren't always totally simple.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I'd think that the more interesting question would be "after the initial thrill of the relationship is gone, do men have a higher sex drive than women.

I'd imagine that in the early days when the relationship is new, exciting and the relationship uncertain, the desire might be more equal than 1 year into a marriage (an especially after children).

I don't hear many men here complaining that the woman that they've been dating for a month has too low a sex drive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I think that's very true. Time and children can take a huge toll on LD women. If they go into a new relationship (cheating or not) it starts all over because it's new.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Racer said:


> She can be horny as hell... but if you f'd up something random and arbitrary (and so easily done by even not doing), you'd be the last to know she one single thought about jumping your bones. Because she wants you to see that she's mad at you and mad girls don't 'reward' regardless of the fire between her thighs. Guys I know just aren't like that at all; we're ok with hate f'ing the women we love. Regardless, no sex = we see a LD woman because no matter what are women think, we can't read their mind and their words/actions often don't seem to correlate to their own thoughts and feelings...


This ain't my experience at all. Thank God. That sounds like a nightmare.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think both genders have similar sex drives. but i think women, if they are not interested in you will either cheat or masturbate before they'd let you know that crucial fact.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> I think both genders have similar sex drives. but i think women, if they are not interested in you will either cheat or masturbate before they'd let you know that crucial fact.


If true, that shows a specific hierarchy of priority. If 'emotional contentment' trumps sexual desire but this is not true among men, then that says something about both genders.

That being said, I can recall one occasion where all the nookie in the world would not have tempted me to get into bed with that partner.

To say the relationship was NOT in a good place was an understatement.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jaquen said:


> TAM has a huge selection bias. In the real world no, most people, even men, aren't having sex every single day, multiple times a day, or even wanting it that much.
> 
> I haven't allowed TAM to change my definition of HD. There is TAM consensus on a number of topics and issues that I think are extraordinarily out of sync with real world norms and averages. And I say this as someone who has a few of those out of the ordinary realities when it comes to our marriage, sex life and bodies. There are things that we consider "normal" that I know are atypical for married people in real life, even if I can find like experiences on TAM.


I have experienced this as well on a range of topics including recently. Sometimes you wonder where these other people live that experience the world in such a different way that I have seen it. Then other times I wonder really what planet they are on.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Jetranger said:


> I am pretty much in the same boat. All my short term relationships (if some could even be called that, can I call you a taxi?) were all of the intensely passionate, rest for 20 minutes and go again kind.
> 
> My ex of over a decade was like that at first, but it dwindled to nothing and then stayed there.


I think excluding the short-term relationships will give you the best answer here. Generalizing here, but I think that most couples are having more sex during the passionate honeymoon phase. If you've been together over a year, then I'd say that's a long-term relationship. For those, did the sex dwindle? Did her drive go down?


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Ex was never one to initiate. I took to other measures and found time for myself. I would rather have physical contact.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The results of this poll don't surprise me at all.

We all know men have much higher sex drives than the ladies and that we are visual and it doesn't take us much to get in the mood. Nothing new there.

8% think their women have higher sex drives than themselves......compared to 50% of the men think their women have low sex drives......big difference.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> The results of this poll don't surprise me at all.
> 
> We all know men have much higher sex drives than the ladies and that we are visual and it doesn't take us much to get in the mood. Nothing new there.
> 
> 8% think their women have higher sex drives than themselves......compared to 50% of the men think their women have low sex drives......big difference.


Well, we can't discount the idea that women MAY want to have sex as much as us. But they aren't getting the necessary preliminaries to engage in sex.

That men don't have these preliminaries does not make men bad, better or necessarily higher drive. But it means a man has an 'off on switch' and a woman has to plot a great circle navigation plot to the Land of O.

That might mean a lot of girls are sexually frustrated.

I would be more sympathetic if they were more open to explaining HOW to navigate. But presumably watching us flail around is half the fun for them...


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

I think the vast majority of all women are low drive(wants it less than once a week if ever).


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I'd like it maybe 3x per week. 
If my ex-H took this poll, he would call me LD, maybe once per week. Emotional disconnect and bad sex takes a toll on a couple's love life.


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## ShutOutbyWife (Jan 22, 2015)

One poster here wrote "I'm also not interested in women who have 'responsive drive' and need to have the right proper combination of chores done, fireplace lit, and just the right alignment of the planets to spread their legs." My, oh, my. That describes my lovely wife of 32 years. You must know her! My lovely bride has such a book of rigid rules before any sex happens, it's surely amazing we've had sex at all!! Sometimes I'm exhausted satisfying all the qualifying conditions that are prerequisites to the act.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Had two sex partners - first was a single mom in her early to mid 30s that lived 100 miles away. We had lots of sex, and she wanted it a lot. We would do the deed on the living room couch with her kids in bed and her screaming she was still cumming. Wife is #2, and we got physical early. However, in our late 40's now and a dozen years married, and we're going on two years without. Granted we have two little kids but they're three now. She will say that I don't initiate, but in her next breath say that she needs a few drinks to loosen up, needs to be while kids in bed but not too late, etc. She also has to have the world record for headaches, as she's always complaining about them. I have no interest in having sex with someone that will lay there wanting me to finish so she can clean up and go play on her laptop.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

ShutOutbyWife said:


> One poster here wrote "I'm also not interested in women who have 'responsive drive' and need to have the right proper combination of chores done, fireplace lit, and just the right alignment of the planets to spread their legs." My, oh, my. That describes my lovely wife of 32 years. You must know her! My lovely bride has such a book of rigid rules before any sex happens, it's surely amazing we've had sex at all!! Sometimes I'm exhausted satisfying all the qualifying conditions that are prerequisites to the act.


Exactly. Many women claim they want sex just as much as men, but then specify that all these other preliminary conditions need to be met first before they can get in the mood. As far as I'm concerned, that it means they don't want sex as much as men. 

I don't understand why a man should have to jump through hoops to get a woman in some magical mood before she can bring herself to do the most enjoyable thing two people can do with each other.

Women need a reason to have sex, men need a reason not to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Our experience... Married 25 yrs.. Outside of lets say 4 yrs in Mid life, My Husband had a HIGHER SEX DRIVE ...that makes him higher by 21 yrs ...if one throws our dating yrs into this...add another 7 .... 

Though in comparing how he handled his sex drive against how I did when I was the higher driver... I have made comments I think MINE WAS HIGHER than his ever was - (during that 1st year I was feeling it anyway)... or maybe I just have zero patience when I am horny.. very likely !! 

I was always going after him.. working him up.. and if I felt he didn't want me, I would get grouchy...it was not good to leave me hanging ... I know I was being a pain in the azz but he didn't treat me like that..thankfully.. he did all he could. 

In comparison...he was never like this...when he would have loved once a day (I feel sooo bad that it was so much less for so many years -more like 1-2 times a week)... he had a tremendous amount of patience (too much I say!).....Having experienced this side of unrelenting horniness.....I do NOT understand my H.. how he was ABLE to temper that down as he did ... 

I do recall his having more of an attitude in the past, but he seemed to take it out more on the kids over me..

The last 2 years..I felt our drives were EQUAL...but as all those years before...I'm going to have to say...he is leading the way , once again, as the higher drive...though I've learned my lesson in this... I'm there for him in every way...like he was for me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> I don't understand why a man should have to jump through hoops to get a woman in some magical mood before she can bring herself to do the most enjoyable thing two people can do with each other.


A man shouldn't. There are men who do this to women too, so nobody should.

It's very difficult for me to understand hoop jumpers. No part of me is ever interested in having sex with somebody who inherently doesn't want to have it with me. I'd rather go without.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Having experienced this side of unrelenting horniness.....I do NOT understand my H.. how he was ABLE to temper that down as he did ...


Because we're men. And most men become experts at tempering those urges since puberty.

You came into that kind of hormone surge late in the game, and thus it was overwhelming to you. But if you'd always had it, like your husband did, than you too would have more than likely been better at managing it.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

that.girl said:


> I'd like it maybe 3x per week.
> If my ex-H took this poll, he would call me LD, maybe once per week. Emotional disconnect and bad sex takes a toll on a couple's love life.


:iagree:

I would happily have sex daily and have a very high sex drive, *but* when the emotions are not there, I can easily go without sex. My husband has been acting very rude/disrespectful lately and my sex drive has dropped to almost zero. I just don't care for sex when I'm treated poorly.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> *Because we're men. And most men become experts at tempering those urges since puberty.
> 
> You came into that kind of hormone surge late in the game, and thus it was overwhelming to you. But if you'd always had it, like your husband did, than you too would have more than likely been better at managing it.*


Thank you Jaquen..that is the 1st time someone responded to me LIKE THIS ...food for thought.. I've always felt he was different than most men though.. he was not the type to chase tail for sex so I kinda put him in a different category.. like he possessed MORE WILL POWER over the average Joe.... I am afraid to admit I might have said any darn thing for sex if I was a raging male -and that been ME years ago... 

My Mother told me my Father used to say to her if he didn't get it he was going to die... Talk about dramatic !...(I've always said I take after my dad).... his sex drive is the main reason they married so young.. at 18.. they had like nothing in common at all....so one could say he didn't manage his so well in making the right choices with women... but at least I was born out of that mess...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Well I guess I would define my W as LD and myself as ID (Indifferent Drive). I was HD from the beginning of our marriage until about two years ago. I was happy with our 2-3 times a week but then everything slowed down to who knows what it was 1.5 - 2 times a month.

After banging my head against the wall and trying to figure out what was happening (EA,PA,Perio,Meno) I gave up.

After 3 years of being an arrogant self important princess who seemed to recoil at my touch all in the world is unicorns and rainbows again. She gets to have sex whenever she wants (usually once a week after her lady porn gets her hot and bothered). I refuse to initiate because I really do not care.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

It's not an apples to apples comparison.

Sex with the average male does not have the same value to the average woman as sex with the average woman has to the average male.

The average woman gets hit on way more than the average man. The average woman could walk outside and find a man to f-ck in 10 minutes if she was so inclined. The average man could not.

Women are acutely aware of this inbalance and as a result feel comfortable imposing various conditions to sex. Men do not impose conditions because sex is not so easily obtained.

This inbalance is corrected when a man is of significantly higher sexual status than the woman. In that case, the man has lots of options. He knows it and the woman knows it. As a result, she cannot impose conditions because for such a man it is not worth the cost to overcome them.

The bottom line is that most men will always perceive that women have lower drive due to this dynamic.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> The bottom line is that most men will always perceive that women have lower drive due to this dynamic.


So what then does this dynamic actually show?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So what then does this dynamic actually show?


I believe it shows that women have a lower drive for men who are equal or lower to them on a SMV scale.

They will have an equivalent or even higher drive for men who have a significantly higher SMV rank.


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

The result should be interesting but I don't think we can generalize it with the larger world as the samples are from Tam where most men are sexually frustrated or in a bad marriage.

May be the title can be "women's sex drive according to men on Tam" to give a better picture? 

Just my 2 cents


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Should needed sex twice a day every single day and would have around 4-5 multiple orgasms per encounter.
> .


Ouch, I thought I am HD too....This defines me as LD? I am actually confused on this, I thought higher desire is in comparison to your partner..no?


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

I used to want it twice day at least for the first 2 years of our marriage (no O though) and wanted it everyday after that until we had kids. I was in no mood for 6 months after giving birth and resumed once a day again. Due to busy schedule and parenting commitments I do it 2 or 3 times a week now. I can have 1-3 Os each time. I will proceed with sex even when I am upset or angry with H (not sure if this is normal for a woman). Now I am wondering if this is why he never take my feelings seriously? :scratchhead:


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> It's not an apples to apples comparison.
> 
> Sex with the average male does not have the same value to the average woman as sex with the average woman has to the average male.
> *
> ...


See that part above in bold/red? I agree!
Is this not proof that men have higher sex drive?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Personal said:


> Aside from the nuance of detail, their reasons are largely the same. In order of importance inability to communicate, poor sexual performance, emotional detachment and *physical repulsion* feature prominently for all.


I truly believe good, old fashion repulsion figures a lot more prominently in these scenarios than many people are willing to admit.

Some people simply fall out of attraction with spouses as hair lines recede, guts overwhelm, and skin sags straight to hell. Yes there are always people who can maintain attraction across huge variations in physical appearance, but we don't talk enough about the people who don't. Especially when it comes to women becoming repulsed by men. Afterall we keep pressing the myth that women aren't really visually stimulated by men, and therefore men can decline physically yet still we can magically believe it ultimately doesn't matter.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I truly believe good, old fashion repulsion figures a lot more prominently in these scenarios than many people are willing to admit.
> 
> Some people simply fall out of attraction with spouses as hair lines recede, guts overwhelm, and skin sags straight to hell. Yes there are always people who can maintain attraction across huge variations in physical appearance, but we don't talk enough about the people who don't. Especially when it comes to women becoming repulsed by men. Afterall we keep pressing the myth that women aren't really visually stimulated by men, and therefore men can decline physically yet still we can magically believe it ultimately doesn't matter.


I have changed my mind on this.

I undertook an exercise regime and suddenly my wifes' friends are...touchy. I have had a few women blatantly ask me if I modeled (say WHAT ) or complimented my looks.

Gentlemen, it makes a huge difference. BUT...as a couple of the women have said, if the emotional connection isn't there, it doesn't matter. And if they get their mad on long enough, they aren't going to bother trying to get it back.

Which still indicates that sex for sex sake isn't the same priority for women as it is men.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I'm beginning to think my wife's sex drive has jumped in her truck and driven away.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> Gentlemen, it makes a huge difference. BUT...as a couple of the women have said, if the emotional connection isn't there, it doesn't matter. And if they get their mad on long enough, they aren't going to bother trying to get it back.
> 
> Which still indicates that sex for sex sake isn't the same priority for women as it is men.


This conclusion would be more compelling if these boards weren't chock full of men who have lost interest in sex with their wives because of all the resentment they harbour. Fact is, many, many men don't want sex because they have their "mad" on. 

Would they have sex with someone else? Well sure. But so would the women.

Will women choose things like safety, security, ethics, over sex? Well sure. But so will men.

Just look at the sheer numbers of men putting up with sexless marriages for decades on end. The world is full of cheap and easy sex, and yet men too will go for long periods without ... Even when there is a prostitute or stripper on every corner, night clubs full of young, drunk, and horny women, live sex clubs, you name it.

So if sex is such the priority, why is TAM filled to the brim with men who haven't had any in ages?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Personal said:


> It's filled to the brim because sex evidently really isn't such a priority with the men who haven't had any in ages!


Well, if you are in a sexually monogamous relationship and your provider of record isn't supplying service, what exactly is one supposed to do?

Three options:

1) Pay your non supplying partner half your assets simply so you can get a piece of ass which she promised to supply (Men need to read subclause 53: 'I can cancel service if I don't feel like it')

2) Become a cheater

3) Hope she changes her mind.

So...which is the best option?

This is less about priorities and more about cancellation of service.

It is sad to see that for a lot of guys 1 and 2 are becoming much more prevelant.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> So if sex is such the priority, why is TAM filled to the brim with men who haven't had any in ages?


Here's how I would answer:


1. *He loves his wife more than sex: 
* A sexual relationship is sorely missed, but he still thinks that life with her is better than life without. 


2. *An otherwise amicable relationship:* 
Closely related to #1 above. It would be one thing for a wife to say, "Look. I don't love you anymore. I'm never having sex with you again, so quite trying." That would tip the scales for most men. (I hope..) It's another thing though if she says, "I know we haven't done it in a long time and I feel terrible about it. I'm not unhappy and just don't know what's wrong. Let's try to schedule a date for this weekend." 


3. *Hope:* 
Closely related to #2 above. Husband sits down with his wife and says, "I love you, but I just can't go on like this indefinitely." And things improve. Sometimes for a year or more. But just like people often gradually gain weight back within a year or two of losing it, the marriage gradually drifts back into the same old patterns. 


4. *I can fix it:* 
Closely related to #3 above. There are a whole slew of self-help books out there (Some of which you're familiar with ) that basically say that women are crazy; they can't control themselves; they're ruled by their hormones; they engage in juvenile passive-aggressiveness on a daily basis and you as the man have to man-up and demonstrate to this primal side of her mind that you're a suitable candidate for reproduction. It's just the right recipe of DIY + How Things Work + Hope to sink deeply into the male mind. 


5. *It can't be fixed:* 
Opposite of #4 above. If a man buys into the stereotype that all women are less sexual, especially a few years into the marriage and that many, if not most married men are in the exact same boat, then sexlessness slides into "Death & Taxes" category in his mind. 


6. *Children:* 
Family courts favor the principal care-giver when it comes to custody. In most marriages this is still the wife. 


7. *Pornography and Erotica*
Poor substitute for the real thing, but apparently enough to make life bearable. 


8. *Religion:* 
The U.S. is far less secular than the rest of the world and there are a lot of men (And women) in religions that forbid divorce except in the event of physical infidelity.​


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> 5. *It can't be fixed:*
> Opposite of #4 above.* If a man buys into the stereotype that all women are less sexual, especially a few years into the marriage and that many, if not most married men are in the exact same boat, then sexlessness slides into "Death & Taxes" category in his mind. *


 This was VERY TRUE of my husband's thinking when I wasn't as HIGH DRIVE , when he craved more.. since I always initiated, he felt he had it better than most, so he didn't rock the boat (how he explained it to me).... as the majority of the men he worked with all had it worse , always complaining...so he figured.. "Yep, that's just the way women are !"

Likewise, when I hit my mid life surge.... all the guys at work were telling him.. "It won't last- take it for all YOU CAN", she's gonna lose it!".. he believes that too.. and there has been a decline, but I hope to prove his co-workers all wrong in this..  .... we are laughing a bit, because another guy -a wife in her early 40's is waking him him up every night for sex.. Ha ha.. Oh the fun of it all..


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Personal said:


> Of late my wife has found out to her surprise, that a few married women she has recently befriended in the 40 year age group. Have not had sex for years and likewise sleep separately from their husbands.
> 
> She noted that all of them want sex and say they miss it tremendously, yet have not had sex because they have been unwilling to be unfaithful partners.
> 
> ...


We encountered this recently at a party. It became obvious that we're having the most & varied sex life of our friends... including a small group that clearly were not having sex at all.

After coming home, my wife said "aren't you lucky to be with me."

I said "I sure am. I appreciate very much that you make our sex life a priority. And aren't you lucky I didn't let go of myself like husband X and that I don't ignore you like husband Y. I mean, you wouldn't want to have sex with those guys if you were married to them, right?"

Wife: "Ugh."

So... sexless marriages are terrible. Responsability is on both sides to make sure it doesn't happen.

And nobody should tolerate it. For themselves, or for the ones they love.


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