# What if one partner expects u to initiate b4 any action occurs?



## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

I am newly married and (sadly) we are having problems in the sex dept. I have tried discussing this with him and his answer is "if u want something take it." We dated for 8 yrs and he was always the initiator and I would gladly respond. We used to have amazing sex. Then the year I moved in before getting married he totally stopped iniating so we would go months at a time. I figured it was my college age daughter moved in so the house was no longer "safe". She has been gone several months, still no change. I was raised in a christian school, it's hard for be to be the one who leads as in my mind the man is the head of the house and its his job to make a woman feel loved, wanted et needed. I am the sole supporter so I feel frustrated that I do everything and he can't do the one thing I need him to do for me. I know if he made me feel wanted I would be more likely to flirt and come on to him. Any advice?


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## Arven (Oct 29, 2014)

I feel for you. I am in kind of the same situation. My husband states he lacks sex but he expects me to take intiative most of the time. While in my world view, a man should be initiator.

Don't have any advice though...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

curvymaiden said:


> I am newly married and (sadly) we are having problems in the sex dept. I have tried discussing this with him and his answer is "if u want something take it." We dated for 8 yrs and he was always the initiator and I would gladly respond. We used to have amazing sex. Then the year I moved in before getting married he totally stopped iniating so we would go months at a time. I figured it was my college age daughter moved in so the house was no longer "safe". She has been gone several months, still no change. I was *raised in a christian school,* it's hard for be to be the one who leads as in my mind the man is the head of the house and its his job to make a woman feel loved, wanted et needed.* I am the sole supporter* so I feel frustrated that I do everything and he can't do the one thing I need him to do for me. I know if he made me feel wanted I would be more likely to flirt and come on to him. Any advice?


If you have a college age daughter, your school days are LONG behind you dear. Time to update, don't ya think? If, as you say, the man is the head of the house, why are you the sole supporter?

How long has your man been out of work and why isn't he working? Could his lack of sex drive have anything to do with his being unemployed?

When you say you want him to make you feel wanted, can you describe what that would look like for you? Would he compliment you, flirt with you, be more affectionate with you in general? Or are you talking about bring you coffee or wash your car, or have a special meal prepared for when you get home?

Have you read anything from Marriage Builders Â® - Successful Marriage Advice 

Check out their Emotional Needs Questionaire Emotional Needs Questionnaire 

There is also this one which is excellent too Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages® 

Both you and your husband take these questionnaires in the interest of gaining better understanding of what you each need and want from each other rather than you having your expectations (that aren't being met) and him having his expectations (that may not be met either.)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He was always initiating but that stopped when you moved in with him. Who's idea was it for you to move in with him? A guy who dates a woman for 8 years doesn't seem like his butt is entirely on fire to get married. Was he working and supporting himself during those eight "good" years? I'm just wondering if he changed his living arrangements and marital status out of choice or for some other reason, maybe economic necessity? If a mature adult acts one way for years and they suddenly change, I'd be looking at what was going on in their life at the time the change took place. I wonder if he feels trapped in something he didn't actually choose? Also, if you have an adult daughter, he is probably in his 40s, maybe 50s? What are the odds that he is worried about performance issues? What happens when you do initiate? Does he respond appropriately or does he find ways to avoid sex? Is he not working or does he work but just doesn't use his earnings to support his new family? If he had been reliably employed for a long time and suddenly lost his job, you could be dealing with someone who has depression. Has he also lost interest in other activities he used to enjoy?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yeah, you don't get raised in a school.
Anyway, you witnessed two problems before marriage. 1. Husband is lazy. 2. Husband is not interested in sex and blames you for that. These are signs you are supposed to read before going through with the marriage.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

Arven said:


> I feel for you. I am in kind of the same situation. My husband states he lacks sex but he expects me to take intiative most of the time. *While in my world view, a man should be initiator.
> *
> Don't have any advice though...


Why? Men like to feel wanted and desired too, just like women.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Maybe he got tired of being the only one to initiate and backed off hoping you would pick up some of the slack. It feels good to have someone come on to you every once in a while.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Put aside all the "what ifs" for a second. It may be as basic as he gets more out of sex when he is the one being approached for it. I know I do, but that also doesn't stop me from initiating, nor would it. Perhaps he is done being the pursuer and now expects you to come to him.

As I said, I, personally, get more out of it when my wife shows that she wants ME. It's human nature to want to be wanted. And for men especially, sex is how we are able to show and feel our love and emotions. If he has spent 8, 9, 10 years doing the majority of the initiating, maybe he just had this epiphany when you moved in together and he's now sitting back, waiting for you to take the lead.

So do it. See what happens. Maybe it'll be very imbalanced for a little while, in that it's only you doing the initiating, but I suspect he'll come around eventually and it'll make its way to 50/50 (which I think most of us can agree is ideal).

Think of it this way: if for 8 years, the only times you ever did anything together (ie. go to dinner, a movie, a museum, whatever) was at your suggestion, no matter how gung-ho he was about doing them, you would eventually tire of being the only one who suggests these things. You'd likely build up a resentment that your social life/date nights were entirely on you to suggest and plan, no matter how much fun you both have, or how into it he is. You'd feel that you were 100% responsible for something that should be split evenly. Eventually you'd hit a point where you'd have enough and expect him to start taking part in this aspect of your relationship.

For his part, though, he needs to communicate to you that this is what he is doing. To just sit back and wait for you to do it is passive aggressive. And clearly he has the patience to out wait you. So make the first move.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think there might be a couple of things going on here. As Alex mentioned, it's important for both spouses to initiate. It shouldn't be exclusively one person's responsibility unless that's mutually agreed to before-hand. It's very possible that he's backing off initiating due to some resentment over this.

Additionally, it was mentioned earlier that this might be related to him being unemployed. I can tell you firsthand that this could be true. I got laid off back in 2007 and it took a good 5 months to find a job again, not for lack of trying. During that time, my confidence and self worth took a BIG hit, and it was extremely difficult to initiate anything. I felt like I didn't deserve it, and felt like my wife deserved better, because I was failing as a provider. My wife is much like you are--she doesn't initiate at all. Consequently our sex life pretty much halted for a good long time until I could get myself in a better frame of mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd like to see curvymaiden respond to some of the above posts before giving my input. There is most likely a lot going on here that was not covered in her original post.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I require a woman who initiates about as much as I do. It doesn't need to be a 50/50 split, but it does need to be pretty even.

A man likes to feel wanted and desired too. Many men are the sole initiators simply because we're brainwashed to believe that's the way it's "suppose" to be. Some men accept this and don't overthink it as long as they have a willing participant once they do initiate.

But plenty of men grow tired of being the sole initiator. I would, very, very quickly. Having a responsive wife isn't enough. If you can't come after me like you really need and want me, yet you always expect me to take up the role of sexual initiator because you want to always be the one who feels chased, we're going to have a problem.


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