# at the end of my rope



## takecare (Jun 16, 2011)

I never though that I'd be thinking divorce after only being married for 20 months. My husband and I have not had sex in 7 months. I can count on one hand how many times we made love in the year prior. Im 31, my husband is 40. He has given me every excuse under the sun for why we don't make love. Nothing he tells me feels like the truth. I've tried everything: toys, lingere, ive dyed my hair... you name it, I've done it. The latest excuse is that he doesnt want to get me pregnant. He has a child from a previous relationship and we made plans for having a family together but I guess he's changed his mind?? I sat him down two weeks ago and explained how I feel (again) and he said he would work to make things better, but hes put forth no effor so far. I initiate sex regularly, sometimes he kindly declines, others he is down right nasty. I've been sleeping alone at night for months. I think the lack of attention and affection is taking its toll on me. Im lonely, edgy and grumpy. I keep telling myself that I'll wait a couple more months to see if anything changes but I know Im kidding myself. What should I do?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What was it like before, when you were 27-28 and he was 37?

And really, you're not an old crone. You need to tart yourself just to get his interest.


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## takecare (Jun 16, 2011)

I certainly am not an old crone  We had more sex 3 or 4 years ago, but we werent married then either.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And what was that like? What was your relationship then? So what's the watershed moment in your mind? Marriage? Some precipitating event? What?


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## takecare (Jun 16, 2011)

I would have to say it was when we moved in together, about a year before he proposed. Thats when the decline began.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So when it became real is when he went cold on you. Hmmm what does that tell you? You moved in, the passion died and then he asked you to marry him. Who's idea was moving in together? Any sense or hesitation on living together before marriage? Any religious hang ups?

Here is my guess. A man in his mid-late 30's is pretty set in his ways if he's never had to share his space or his life with a partner. I assume you're his first wife? You said 'relationship' but it doesn't sound like a long term stable thing with commitments in it. I think he got freaked out by getting married so late in life and he kind of resents it. He feels maybe hemmed in by you? I'm not saying he is just that feels he is. 

As far as the not getting pregnant? This is 2011 there are ways to avoid that. Please. But he IS 40 and starting another family can cause a man to catch his breath up. He'll be 62 or 3 or so if and when that child finishes college and that's if you conceive tonight. And you have the reverse problem I'm sure. You're thinking, "This uterus isn't going to make it if don't have a kid in the next 3 years."

So the clock is ticking for both of you and the race has already started. 

He's feeling the squeeze on his lifestyle, he's feeling some implied pressure from you on the baby front and neither of you seem to be communicating this very well. So he punted and refuses to make love & the problem sorts itself out by complete avoidance. 

So the lifestyle thing, if that's really an issue, that's easy. Just sort out your differences and if he wants to make and omlette at 3 in the morning, fine, let him do that. Give him his man-time, in moderation. 

The other thing though is more crucial. You two have got to sort this thing out. Baby - no baby, whatever you decide EVEN if that means you split up, you have GOT to resolve this. Sad but true but neither of you are 18 year olds who can get pregnant just looking at each other. And you haven't got 10 years to fool around. 

We're burning sunshine here, people. Saddle up.


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## takecare (Jun 16, 2011)

Well, he lost his job in the mortgage crisis so he kinda had to move in with me. I am his first wife. He only know his childs mother for a few months before she became pregnant and that relationship didn't last long after the child was born. I wasnt expecting a marriage proposal, sure i though about it and we had discussed it in a "maybe someday" kind of way but there was no pressure. No religous hang ups at all. I guess I'd better figure out how important being a mother really is to me and fast. Thanks for weighing in.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So he moved in, not for emotional reasons, but for financial convenience. Who brought up the topic of marriage first?


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Not just lack of sex but lack of affection, attention and sleeping separately? And he's sometimes nasty about turning you down?

Sorry to say, but I'd be OUT. I'm just sayin'.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does he understand that you're willing to leave if the issue doesn't get resolved? Mist people don't like ultimatums, but sometimes they're needed to force people to make a decision and take action. Simply letting it sit as-is for the next few months waiting for things to magically fix themselves would be pointless.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takecare (Jun 16, 2011)

Well after seven months my husband came home from work at 3am in the mood for sex. It didn't go so well. He initiated by trying to penetrate me while I was sleeping. Typically I'm alright with this, but after 7 months of not being touched it was difficult. Its been so long that Im practically a virgin again and after a few minutes he lost his erection and said to me, "you're dry". UM... HELLO!?! Has he forgotten how women work? If we had 5 minutes of foreplay I would have been good to go. Had he bothered to kiss me or touch me it would have been perfect. Instead, I lost control of my emotions and began to cry a little. Then he got mad at me for that, rolled over and went to sleep. Im humiliated and sad (and a little sore) Thank goodness I'm putting in overtime at the office this morning. It's just easier not to be here.


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