# Wife vs. Mother ...



## hotwired (Oct 15, 2013)

Good day! I think this is my first post.

My mother and wife are both very ... strong. They've always gotten along though. Now my mother and wife are on the outs (Mom likes to correct grammar, wife has low self esteem around intelligence...fill in the rest!)

I do understand that a man can do only so much in these cases. I get that my first loyalty is to my wife. The "mother son" relationship (as it was) was severed when I said, "I do." Now mom and I have an "adult" relationship. I also don't feel like I've been a very good son. Now that dear wife doesn't include mom in social calendar I have to make time to see her and bring our 12 year old daughter to see her. I don't do it often, and due to my mom's eccentric personality, my daughter doesn't show much interest either. Recently mom had a cancerous growth and 1/3rd of her lung removed and I took her and picked her up from hospital but then once I dropped her off at her house, I didn't come see her again for almost a month. I didn't realize this until she called me on it. Now I'm feeling like a pretty sh*tty son.

So that's it. I'm p*ssed at my wife because my mother has made a couple of attempts at healing. Mom is definitely a "manipulative, controlling, fill-in-the-blank" but she's trying ... she's human...she has a heart. I want to do my best as man of my house to do what's right. I'm just feeling pretty sad and a little guilty right now and that's probably getting in the way of my being completely rational. Any help would be really grand.

Ken


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Why are you pi**ed at your wife? I'll grant you that she is behaving in a rather immature fashion, but you're not doing a whole lot better.

I would advise you to communicate with your wife... sit down with her and explain that this "war of wills" with your mom is done as far as your concerned. Tell her that you are creating "Breakfast with Grandma" every Saturday to allow your daughter (and you) some quality time. Tell your wife that she's invited, but under no obligation to come.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What do YOU want?

Your wife wants to cut ties with your mom.

Your daughter wants no part of manipulative, controlling, fill in the blank grandma.

Your mom wants you to visit more often and yet I'm not sure she's done much encourage it. (Couple of attempts isn't enough). And she's still manipulating with guilt.

Do you WANT to see your mom? Be honest.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Why is it your wife's job to "include mom in the social calendar?" That's your job. Reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like your mother has been very nice to your wife, and I also wonder if you're standing up for your wife when your mother puts her down. Your mother insults her, you say nothing, your wife would thus prefer not to go at all. Not surprising. You say you get that you're married now and that your priority is your wife, but it doesn't sound like you do completely "get" it. You're still letting your mother guilt you and control you. A whole month -- so fricking what? I haven't seen my mother for three months. Sometimes it's six months between visits.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Interesting take, John. I was reading it more that he was projecting his wife's attitude towards his mother.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> So that's it. I'm p*ssed at my wife because my mother has made a couple of attempts at healing. Mom is definitely a "manipulative, controlling, fill-in-the-blank" but she's trying ... she's human...she has a heart.


What are these attempts at healing, and how do you deem they are legitimate if you also admit your mother is manipulative and controlling? How is she trying? Is she no longer being a grammar Nazi to your wife?

Are you an only child? Is your mother divorced or widowed? What's your father's take on all this?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

41362 said:


> Interesting take, John. I was reading it more that he was projecting his wife's attitude towards his mother.


Hard to say for sure, but that's what i got out of grandma "corrects grammar" and wife is "insecure around intelligence"


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## hotwired (Oct 15, 2013)

Thanks all!

I'm actually getting some clarity on this already. I do heartily defend my wife when my mother disses her. I've made it abundantly clear that my loyalties were cemented the moment I said "I do." 

It's not really that I'm "pissed" at my wife, but I was feeling resentment that my mother was doing something to get back in good graces and my wife was rejecting it. I know it's their business, but I was finding myself feeling waht I was feeling nonetheless. My mother is a manipulative user of emotional warfare more so than average. 

I have to do whatever I need to do that supports my wife but also allows me to feel "in honor" with my own idea of what "honoring my mother" is. To me, lugging my little girl over 1-2 x per month works just fine. I've had a good talk with my wife today about it all. We've been fine through the whole thing. She understands that I'm sad that my mother is not really "in the family" these days. And I've made it clear that I'm not angry at her. Though I did tell her I was a little upset when it seemed mother was "reaching out," but she set me straight on her decision. 

It sucks but it is what it is. Perhaps it's time for me to tell my mother about her behavior and how it's affected people. Why she's 66 years old and been through 3 marriages and 3 other long term relationships and has now been alone for 10 years. 

Ah, it's a miracle I can tie my shoes in the morning! Ha ha!
Thank you all. This is good stuff.


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