# I cheated on my husband..... now what?



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

I'll give a quick breakdown of our relationship first so that you can see the big picture:
- Started dating when I had just turned 20, him 21
- After 3 months of a long distance (4hrs) relationship I moved to his town & we bought a house when we were 21 & 22
- Engaged at 21 & 22, married at 22 & 23
- Had our daughter at 24 & 25 
- Therefore we are both now 26, been together 6 years, married 3 with a beautiful 15 month old girl

In the beginning I was really attracted to my husband, we had an amazing connection & became best friends, we understand each other & are completely comfortable together.
The 'romantic' spark and attraction was there & slowly started dwindling on my end of things. 4 Years ago my husband moved 2 hrs away to work in a coal mine so he would be at home half of the week & working the other half....... since the birth of our daughter we moved down to be with him and now live together full time.

I am like alot of other women on this site, have no attraction to my husband although I know he is a handsome man, I dont want him touching me or kissing me, it actually repulses me, I don't even pretend to like kissing or sex, I just refuse to do it. 

He is an excellent husband, amazing Dad, provides what we need and more & would do anything for us, however it's just the one thing thats missing, but it is a HUGE part of a relationship. It breaks my heart to see how lonely & upset he looks lately because i do love him & care about him, im just not in love anymore. I have felt like this for a few year now, just not to this extent, it has obviously gotten worse, I had hoped things would get better.... 

At the beginning of Nov we went out for my birthday to the races & he had a bit to drink and told me to F off & P off twice in front of other people, which he doesnt usually do. After this I wanted to go out for the night on my own and do whatever, didnt happen but I did meet a german guy on the mini bus home & we got talking and I thought he was a pretty friendly guy. I ended up with his details & we talked a little bit on facebook & text for a few weeks, then organised for me to go over to his place which I have done twice now... Have been from early in the evening until about 3am both times. I feel so terrible that i've done this to my husband but I also feel bad that im in a marriage which doesn't have any romance.

I really don't know what to do? Myself & the OM have organised to meet when I can but I am also worried that I am developing feelings for the OM as we seem to have a really good connection physically & emotionally. The OM is in town temporarily for work so I thought that would be better than me getting involved with someone who lives locally.........

Part of me want's to tell my husband what i've done & part of me thinks I should just keep quiet so I don't hurt him any more, I also don't know what to do with our marriage. Myself and my husband has spoken about it all before I cheated & agreed things were very different & neither of us were happy........

We have spoken about maybe taking time apart..... just so lost and need some unbiased advice........ 

thanksc


----------



## OzzieLost (Nov 25, 2010)

Although i am going through something similar but my wife is doing her thing online, you also need to think carefully that this OM is not just temp filing your void you have missing. You need councilling....you are breaking his heart......and eventually those of your kids......you need to find a way to rekindle the lost love....don't give up on him...hard I know but give yourself a fighting chance and cut the chocolate from the chocolateholic...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

dc,
I suggest telling the part of you that wants to tell H, that you are a better person then what you have done in the past, and tell that part of you, that can now be an honest person with honor and remorse and will move on to be the good/great person you know you want to be.
Then tell the other part of you that does not want to hurt our H any more that you are strong confident women that will no longer have any contact with this OM, and tell that part of you, that you have taken a vow/promise, and that you will no longer hurt you or no one else. until you have taken a personal account of were your life is heading. It seams this affair is hurting you

As far as your marriage goes please remove any influences that will effect your discision on staying or leaving your marriage, and if that includes your H it should also include OM. But you took a vow so in my opinion this issue should include your H and by all mean inform him of the end result of your problematic marriage. Your marriage was broken before the affair and to repair it all aspects need to be addressed. Remember this, you can be honorable and walk away from this as such, be it married or not.

In my case when I was told/ discovered my W affair, our marriage changed for the better, for whats thats worth.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

TG thanks so much for your response it makes a lot of sense & is nice not to be attacked over starting this kind of thread seeing as though I am the one in the wrong. 

What there was of the affair was hurting me, it actually made everything that had been happening with my husband more intense & I was more emotional because I was dealing with two situations and people which were upsetting me.

I sent a text to the OM this afternoon ending it, deleted his number & removed him from my Facebook page. I know I can do this I just really need to be strong. I realised that going any further with the OM is just going to cause more heartache for my husband & for me.

I am going to get in contact with a marriage counsellor and start from there. I would like to give my marriage a chance & see if I can get those feelings for my husband that I once had, back again.

Thank you again your advice is really appreciated.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Ozzielost, sorry I didnt see your post in the above the guys - I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am extremely remorseful & would do anything to feel the way I did about my husband.

I read online about ending things with the OM and that it will be like ending an addiction, which it is, but at the end of the day, I was filling a void that i've had for so long. I need to work hard at getting the spark back into my marriage and take things from there. 

I really appreciate your response as well, it has really helped me.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like you listened to the right part of your self.


Now go fix your self and see what happens, I just hope your H is along for the ride.

If the dude only knew. For me, I got tired of all the boytoys my W had and finally changed my ways. God if your H could only see the problems he just might change his ways too. It took 13 years to pull my head out of my butt. So good luck with that and remember go to sleep and know that you are the best person you can be and above all else honor is worth all else. And doing right is really such a pain in the *ss, its gotta have a great pay off.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Dazedand confused, I don't condone your actions, but I see that you realize your mistake and killed it before it got too ugly. (You didn't mention if the affair got physical, but I'll assume that it did)
As far as telling your H, in most cases, I would encourage complete confession, but in others, such as yours, I would confess seeing the other guy, but leave out the gory details.
I'm glad to see that you want to work on your marriage. Good luck, and I hope it works!


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks to you also F-102 - Yes the affair did get physical on the 2 occasions & although i've been feeling lost/sad/guilty since ending it with the OM I know this is a part of the process & things should improve.

We have an appointment booked with a marriage counsellor on Thursday of this week so we will see what happens from there.

I am not sure about whether or not to tell him about what has happened. I know it sounds cowardly but I am not sure if it's going to make things a whole lot worse? He is pretty heartbroken at the moment knowing the fact that I don't feel that spark for him anymore, so should I tell him what has happened?

I am so confused....


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You will have to tell him at some stage, the marriage won't heal unless the affair is bought out into the open. 

Your husband may choose to leave, this is the risk, the greater risk is this is going to affect your mind and will be a nemesis on you for the rest of your life if you do not reveal what happened to your husband, worse the OM tells others and it gets back to your husband. 

Once your husband knows of the affair, if he reacts as others have he will want to know the details including the OM's name and contact numbers, be careful not to lie, dripping information to your husband will make it worse for you, all the gory details will eventually come out, take the plunge and tell all. 

You husband in turn, hopefully, forgives you and works with you to rebuild your marriage. 

There is a tough road ahead, tell him always that you love him and that you want to be with him. The marriage can be a better marriage going forward, you both have to want to be in this marriage and take the steps to heal.

Wishing you well.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

The OM won't tell & have it get back to my husband, as I said he is in the town that I live on a work contract, isn't friends with people here apart from at work & is leaving here for good in December & lives no where near here & is from another country. 

I can give my husband the OM's name but as for contact number, I don't know it as it's deleted from my phone & I don't have it stored anywhere. I am prepared to tell my husband but I don't think that the OM needs to get involved when I talked to him online only in a friendly manner until I suggested we meet up, which ended up happening twice, both being physical. 

I am not saying the above to make the situation sound better because obviously it's not a good situation but this was all over & done with over a period of 2-3 weeks.

Thanks for the well wishes. He knows I wan't to always be with him & I know the same from him. We just really need to get the affection/sexual element back into our marriage & I think a lot of other things will fall into place. I am hoping we can work things out.

Thanks again


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

So I guess my second question is do I tell my husband about sleeping with this man twice? It kills my husband enough with the problems which we have let alone him having to deal with this & he has a nut case of a sister who once she finds out will abuse the absolute [email protected] out of me.....

I want to be honest, just don't know if it's going to cause more damage?? Especially with my daughter who is 15 months old..... I know I put myself in this predicament but just don't know what to do next? And do I tell him before our counselling session or during??


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I am going to draw a lot of fire for this but my advice would be not to tell him. If you are convinced that you are going to work on the marriage and that the affair is over then don't tell him. 

You should live with the consequences of your actions, he doesn't have to. Telling him will do nothing but cause him pain.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Of course it is hard to live with what you have done, but it will be harder for your husband and he might choose to remove himself from the constant reminders of your betrayal, and that would be a tragedy for everyone.

RWB I am sorry for your pain and of course we all would want to know if we are being betrayed, that doesn't make it a good idea. 

I believe that an affair is a symptom rather than a cause of marital problems, so her and her husband can work on the cause whether he knows or not.


----------



## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

RWB said:


> Jamesa,
> 
> Respectfully, re-read your quote, "I believe that an affair is a symptom rather than a cause of marital problems, so her and her husband can work on the cause whether he knows or not."
> 
> Affairs are a definite symptom, however they alter perception and actions to the Betrayer as well as the Faithful spouse. Explain how the betrayed can fully "work" on the marriage if they don't understand fully the consequences of what they are working for? Honesty is the cornerstone of marriage. How can you truly love another and lie to their soul?


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I would vote toward the side of telling him. I know it hurts, it's hard, and we should be honest in saying you're probably worried he will throw in the towel given this information.

Knowing that, what you would be doing by NOT telling him would be a form of control. By withholding certain information for him to make decisions on and by which to work on the marriage with, you are essentially controlling his emotions, choices, and reactions.

It isn't easy, but in the end, he will be free to CHOOSE, and if he chooses you, then how good would that make you feel? You'd have a husband that, even when you went outside of your marriage, still loves you enough to work on things with you.

It may sound crazy now, but these types of things can actually be a launching pad to strengthen and build a very healthy marriage if you truly want that to happen.

I'm glad to see you're ready to move forward and admit your mistakes. Hopefully you and your husband can get to the bottom of your marital issues and build a lasting relationship.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

RWB said:


> How can you truly love another and lie to their soul?


How can you not protect someone you love from great pain? 

I don't think that honesty is the cornerstone of marriage, sometimes you have to be prudent with the truth for the sake of your partner.

Honesty is an abstraction. Do you tell your kid he or she is ugly because it is true? Do you tell the truth when your wife says 'does my bum look big in this'?

I think they have a better chance of fixing this marriage if she doesn't tell him.


----------



## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

jamesa said:


> How can you not protect someone you love from great pain?
> 
> I don't think that honesty is the cornerstone of marriage, sometimes you have to be prudent with the truth for the sake of your partner.
> 
> ...


Yes, but you're talking about opinionated matters. That's more an issue of keeping your opinion to yourself, NOT hiding facts. At what point does little Timmy realize he looks nothing like mommy or daddy because he's adopted, and it wasn't either of his parents that told him?

What you're talking about is keeping someone from knowing the truth so that they will think and feel a certain way. It's a slippery slope, and eventually everything WILL come crashing down.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> Dazed,
> 
> If you do follow through with MC together and/or alone, the subject of Affairs and being unfaithful to your marriage is going to be crossed. If you continue to lie within counseling with the effort aimed reconcilation, what is the point?


My wife did exactly that. We burned through a year of MC during which time she brought up every possible grievance she had and never, ever acknowledged that she was still screwing some guy and would be for another 7 years beyond that.

What an utter waste of time and money that MC was. Why?

Because she used it to strengthen her deception.

BTW, even after stopping the affair after a long time she lied for as much time after the affair as during it.

But eventually the truth came out---far more damage than you can imagine. Her lies harmed herself, our children, me, forever.

You can head off at the pass the sustained damage by being truthful now.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Honesty is an abstraction. Do you tell your kid he or she is ugly because it is true? Do you tell the truth when your wife says 'does my bum look big in this'?


Land has this nailed perfectly: 



> Yes, but you're talking about opinionated matters. That's more an issue of keeping your opinion to yourself, NOT hiding facts.


Confusing (or equating) opinion with truth is most certainly 'abstraction', since opinion varies from person to person. Truth does not: 2 + 2 = 4 not matter who or where you are. 

In a marriage, it is reasonable to realize that opinions may vary - at the same time, it is also _intelligent_ to realize that the marriage commitment is based upon the assumption that the persons making the vows actually meant the words they spoke in front of witnesses.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

michzz said:


> ever acknowledged that she was still screwing some guy and would be for another 7 years beyond that.


That is the critical difference. She was still screwing him. In that case, or in the case of a long term affair, of course you have to come clean.

It is a bit simplistic to say that 'honesty' is paramount. People's feelings are paramount. Don't sacrifice the husband's self-esteem and the marriage at the alter of honesty. 

People first.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Well guys i'm back and I confessed to my husband today, was so stressed out leading up to it, shakey all morning, trying to find 'the right time' to tell him, I figured no time was going to feel right to tell him terrible news so I just had to bite the bullet & tell him......

He was absolutely devastated..... disbelief was the first reaction then straight into the anger & wanting to know details etc.....

He actually told me he would have rathered not known but I really couldnt live with a lie, it was eating me up inside. I also came across something someone wrote on a forum (not sure if it was this one) but they basically said that because my husband has done no wrong, he deserves to have a choice with what to do with our relationship. BINGO! I have done wrong, therefore I don't have the right to lie to him and choose what happens with us also. 

I do have to admit one thing though, he thinks it only happened once, not twice. He does know everything else though, he also knows that it was a pre-meditated meeting & knows who the OM is etc...... I honestly think after seeing his reaction & having been truthful with everything (else) that I will leave it there. I am not going to tell him of the 2nd time as this wasnt just a drunken one night stand it was a sober, pre-planned meeting which he knows....... so he knows that the whole situation wasnt just some drunken accident, it was a big mistake but not an accident

Thoughts??

(Also we are off to marriage counselling tomorrow)

He


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I think that if you are committed to this marriage and are willing to do what is necessary to make it work you have every chance of success. 

Have a look at Affaircare and Tanelornepete's threads, they have some great advice.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

thanks for your advice also jamesa, I appreciate your point of view that you gave.
I'll check out both of those


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

I have another thread on this forum which I started after this to ask how to tell my husband & the first response to what I told my husband says this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/19152-how-when-tell-my-husband-i-cheated-him.html

'D & C, you are making a HUGE mistake!! You have started out good, by being honest, but now you are backsliding and withholding all of the info he needs. If you truly want to have an honest, loving marriage, you can't base it on half-truths and evasion. For your own sake as well as his, TELL ALL!!'

here is my reply

'That's all I am going to say, I think what I said is enough & I am glad I said something at all.

I could have easily gotten away with not telling him anything, however I didn't.

All situations are different and I feel that I have done the right thing, especially after he said he would rather have not known at all. I would have only been digging the dagger in deeper.'

I feel I have said enough? I didnt lie and say that i was drunk & an accident I told him I had pre-planned the meeting & knew what I was doing, isnt that enough? I've ended things & it was extremely short lived


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Hopefully D n C,
yer counselor will be worth their "salt" and tell/teach you o/wise
on the "right thing" angle.

u must've totally surprised yer H with this news, o/wise he wouldnt say as many shocked/surprised folk often do," i wish i didnt know."

u two obviously have alot of exploring to do as to the "why's" of yer cheating, and any contributions he may've made.

but...lose the " i could have" attitude/demeanor/phraseology, as
it wont facilatate yer marriage healing/lasting/growing.

for these words underlie a non-remorseful spirit, and deniability
u don't need to truly go forward in positive/truthful manner.

shalom....


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

CB45 - I understand how I sounded un-remorseful, however I am extremely remorseful. I think my response in the other thread sounds like I have no remorse however in hindsight I was simply 'getting my back up' and jumping to my own defense as I thought I had said the right things & was feeling as though I dealt with my confession in the right way? When the other person replied in the other thread, my thoughts that I went the right way about it all came tumbling down in a hurry & I replied to his message.

Sorry I know I probably don't sound very heart felt however you have to take into account the first time I slept with the OM was exactly 1 week ago today (yes I did sleep with him again a couple of days later) however I cut off all contact, confessed to my husband & have marriage counselling tomorrow. This has all happened within 1 week


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If the MC is any good they will encourage you to tell all the truth, the drip drip of the truth is more harmfull than being totally honest. You may choose to reveal the full extent of the affair in the MC session. Your husband in turn must learn to forgive and change his ways to fill your love bank. There is some reading material that may help "Surviving an Affair" and "His needs Her needs" both by Harley.

Do let your husband know you love him, are willing to have full transparency and work to build a better marriage. Your husband has to do his bit as well. Eat well and look after your health and your husbands, a recovery is a long journey and filed with difficulties, you can and will have a better marriage .

Wishing you well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> Sorry I know I probably don't sound very heart felt however you have to take into account the first time I slept with the OM was exactly 1 week ago today (yes I did sleep with him again a couple of days later) however I cut off all contact, confessed to my husband & have marriage counselling tomorrow. This has all happened within 1 week


You don't have to prove that you are remorseful to anyone. This isn't an inquisition. You are doing what you can to repair your marriage, that is all that matters. There are a lot of very judgemental people around, just ignore them.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

To be honest, D&C, it doesn't really matter if it was once or 742 times. The fact is that he knows you were unfaithful, and that is all it took for him to be hurt. 
I'm just glad that it came from you, and he didn't have to find out from a 3rd party.
Best of luck with counseling, and i hope you and H could get past this.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your comments. 

I'm glad it came from me also, even though I am 99% sure he would have never found out as it was only me & the OM who knew about this and the OM is not married & doesnt have a girlfriend..... in saying that it makes me feel even better that I told my husband because I wanted to be honest, not because I feared someone else would beat me to it.

Hoping the MC is really going to help us move forward & that I can start to slowly gain my husbands trust.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And even if you never told him, can you guarantee that the OM wouldn't try to get revenge on you for breaking up with him by exposing the affair?
And, wouldn't you feel even the slightest bit of apprehension that somehow he would find out? Sorry for this cross reference, but like a murderer or criminal, even if they get away with it and no one ever suspects, they will always live in fear that someone, someday, may expose them.


----------



## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Please try not to do, "trickle truth" on him. It hurts way way worse and destroys all trust. Tell him everything now,so he will not pester you, and look and find more info. I know he is thinking, there is a lot more, you are not saying. In the end, it all comes out, and you look worse for it. Just my 2 cents.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

I understand what you are saying & appreciate the input however I am going to leave this as it is.
We had issues before I cheated which need to be sorted out which were the main problem in the relationship, one being the fact I have practically attraction/romantic feelings for my husband anymore & this only worsened over the years, he was aware of this prior.
If this issue can't be sorted then we cant have a successful marriage as all of the elements of a relationship need to be functioning, not just a couple.

Also the OM won't be seeking revenge, the physical relationship was over a matter of 4 days with 2 encounters. He & I actually spoke about my husband & he encouraged me to work things out with him, he doesn't seem like the kind of person to do something like that.

I know i'll probably get verbally bashed for my decision however I feel as though I have done the right thing for MY situation.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dazedconfused said:


> I understand what you are saying & appreciate the input however I am going to leave this as it is.
> We had issues before I cheated which need to be sorted out which were the main problem in the relationship, one being the fact I have practically attraction/romantic feelings for my husband anymore & this only worsened over the years, he was aware of this prior.
> If this issue can't be sorted then we cant have a successful marriage as all of the elements of a relationship need to be functioning, not just a couple.
> 
> ...


You may think you have this messy situation all wrapped up with a bow. But you don't.

Not you, not your husband have had enough time to digest and react to your infidelity and any other problems that may have contributed to your poor decisionmaking.

I wish you luck, just do not be surprised that the fallout continues for a long time.


----------



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

You are all acting as though I think I am the master of deceipt or something? UNTRUE
I have taken what I needed from the answers in this thread & am leaving it as it is. Thanks again


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> You are all acting as though I think I am the master of deceipt or something? UNTRUE
> I have taken what I needed from the answers in this thread & am leaving it as it is. Thanks again


What you have is people arguing from principle, which is good, in theory, in practice you have to be pragmatic.

Remember that a lot of people who respond are the ones who have been betrayed, so it is no surprise that they argue as they do. Don't take it personally.


----------



## cloud (Nov 27, 2010)

I would just like to agree with RWB when he states that honesty is the cornerstone of marriage, just as trust is the foundation upon which marriage is built. I personally believe that true love for a person would not accommodate the breaking of such trust.
As I am currently in the midst of finding out if such a betrayal can be healed, I won't know until a later stage in my life whether trust can mend


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You think the OM wouldn't do it? It's always the ones you least suspect that will destroy everything.
And I'm sure your H feels that way, too.


----------



## 20Rguy (Apr 10, 2016)

I find it amazing that women can discuss this rationally, when a woman is the one doing the cheating. Now, if the tables were turned, you would be hearing what a low down, good for nothing snake he was, take him for all he's worth, once a cheater, always a cheater, etc. This woman obviously gets off on attention. The chances of her doing it again, and again, are pretty good. Since she was young when they met, and now has a kid, my bet is she misses the attention of the "single life"
Let your guy know what a cheating wh--e UR, so he can find someone who will really love him.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ZOMBIE thread.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Cheating Zombies? Sounds interesting.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

It is a zombie thread. I am glad I wasn't around here at that time.

This lady singlehandedly sabotaged her marriage by falling out of love with her husband and depriving him sexually, then as he broke his ass to provide for the family, she decided to have a kid with him during a period of time that she didn't want to be around him, then she cheats on him twice, admits to once and immediately goes into defensive rugsweeping.

I would have torched her if I was here in 2010.

I am trying to figure out how this thread got brought back up but we can still learn things from zombie threads.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> It is a zombie thread. I am glad I wasn't around here at that time.
> 
> This lady singlehandedly sabotaged her marriage by falling out of love with her husband and depriving him sexually, then as he broke his ass to provide for the family, she decided to have a kid with him during a period of time that she didn't want to be around him, then she cheats on him twice, admits to once and immediately goes into defensive rugsweeping.
> 
> ...


She was average then and now. Pretty standard.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

dazedconfused said:


> I am like alot of other women on this site, have no attraction to my husband although I know he is a handsome man, I dont want him touching me or kissing me, it actually repulses me, I don't even pretend to like kissing or sex, I just refuse to do it.


Zombie thread! Heck, I wasted my time reading.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Wow, reading this I'm surprised how tame everyone really was to her.... I thought everyone was too gentile


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And the purpose to be rough would have been.....?

Think about it....We shyt all over a newbie wayward and they phucking bail....what have we accomplished?

Maybe we should be a little more gentile toward a wayward so we can work at them, instead fo running them off?

If any one needs the rough treatment is the poor betrayed that apologizes to their wayward spouse for being cheated on!

Any way my point is that going and shyting on any wayward that comes here and running them off loses the oppertunity to tell them how much pain they are causing.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

the guy said:


> And the purpose to be rough would have been.....?


I can attest to that. As a wayward, the treatment given me was much lighter than I expected and MUCH more helpful (to me and eventually my wife) than I expected. 

I took me three months to get ready enough to post my story, once I was comfortable with the posters whom I knew would respond.

A newbie, first day, and under attack, will just leave.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> And the purpose to be rough would have been.....?
> 
> Think about it....We shyt all over a newbie wayward and they phucking bail....what have we accomplished?
> 
> ...



Guy. Do you remember BanjoPicker? Or BanjoMan? I can't place his name it has been so long ago. Anyway, that guy was brutal with waywards. They would post a tread and he would be on top of them like a puma.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Zombie thread! Heck, I wasted my time reading.


Not at all. I learned something from this thread, even though it was old.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Double post


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

dazedconfused said:


> I am like alot of other women on this site, have no attraction to my husband although I know he is a handsome man, *I dont want him touching me or kissing me, it actually repulses me. I don't even pretend to like kissing or sex, I just refuse to do it. *
> 
> It breaks my heart to see how lonely & upset he looks lately because i do love him & care about him, im just not in love anymore. I have felt like this for a few year now, just not to this extent, it has obviously gotten worse, I had hoped things would get better....


You love him like a brother and he wants a wife and sex. You husband is "lonely and upset" because you can't stand for him to touch you. Now you have given a stranger the sex and closeness your husband wants desperately. 

I'm dazed and confused. If you love your husband get a divorce and allow him to find a woman that doesn't find him repulsive.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Zombie land


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

All, oooops! what's a Zombie thread?

PS Thought her first sentence was interesting:


> I'm like a lot of women on this site, I'm not attracted to my husband etc


Where are all those women???


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

the guy said:


> And the purpose to be rough would have been.....?
> 
> Think about it....We shyt all over a newbie wayward and they phucking bail....what have we accomplished?
> 
> ...


I agree about being a bit more gentle toward a wayward.

That carries another obligation with it. If the wayward and the betrayed seem to want to try to reconcile, we owe it to them to point out that the betrayed probably has some issues to deal with. While this doesn't excuse wayward behavior, the actions of the wayward don't come out of nowhere.

And oh yes. We also need to point out that IC comes before MC. Many get it wrong and try MC right away when they have not even discovered their own issues in IC.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I agree about being a bit more gentle toward a wayward.
> 
> That carries another obligation with it. If the wayward and the betrayed seem to want to try to reconcile, we owe it to them to point out that the betrayed probably has some issues to deal with. While this doesn't excuse wayward behavior, the actions of the wayward don't come out of nowhere.
> 
> And oh yes. We also need to point out that IC comes before MC. Many get it wrong and try MC right away when they have not even discovered their own issues in IC.


I agree with IC first.

Your other advice is backwards.

Otherwise you would be confronting a victim of domestic violence about what they did to earn their beating.

First stop the abuser and make them own their actions and fully understand that it was not warranted and wrong.

After that is addressed and the victim is on the road to recovery, then confront about any problems they caused in the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

this ****ing ***** talked about her husband to the OM then went on to **** him. I hope things didn't work out for her.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I agree with IC first.
> 
> Your other advice is backwards.
> 
> ...


Spot on as usual.the BS didnt cause their WS to cheat..that is fvcking idiotic to think so...


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Graywolf2 said:


> You love him like a brother and he wants a wife and sex. You husband is "lonely and upset" because you can't stand for him to touch you. Now you have given a stranger the sex and closeness your husband wants desperately.
> 
> I'm dazed and confused. If you love your husband get a divorce and allow him to find a woman that doesn't find him repulsive.


good guy Graywolf gives advice to some ***** who hasn't used this site in 4 years xD


----------

