# Should i be worried?



## tonnyblue (5 mo ago)

I have been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. We are both in out early forties. We were recently having a discussion following something we saw on television about sexual partners. In answer to direct questions that i asked during the conversation she revealed two things that i am concerned about.

The first thing is that one of her male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" for a couple of months when they were both single. This happened 20 years ago. They were close friends before and she assures me they have been just closed friends since then. They are part of the same group of best friends since high school. They mostly see each other as part of the group but they also see each other one on one occasionally. She had previously told me details about him which i would summarize as being a playboy, a ladies man with loose sexual boundaries. I have observed him casually placing his hand on her shoulder in front of me once. She tells me this it harmless and he does that with other women too.

The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage. She had lost sexual attraction for her husband and had feelings for another man and acted on it. Afterwards during the separation process she consulted a psychologist about the entire situation (not just the cheating) but she was uncomfortable sharing more detail with me so i did not press.

She seemed uneasy and nervous revealing these things in answer to my questions but i am glad that she did. I am looking to build something long term and know my value as a partner but i do not want to put my head in the sand about problems that may lie ahead. She is sweet, understanding, and tells me she loves me. She has been consistent in her commitment to the relationship since the beginning. She promises to remain exclusive with me, but should i be concerned? Would it be appropriate for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries? I am considering ending it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If it were me I would approach it as she has given you the truth and that’s a big first step in trust. I would give her a chance but establish the condition that she will NEVER be one on one alone with the guy. It was 20 years ago… that is young 20’s…… ancient history


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She's in her 40s and has lived a life. Her application for sainthood might get denied but these are real-world human experiences that happen over the course of people's life. 

If you can only be with a saint, then she is probably not the person for you. 

That being said, it is important to have boundaries and it is reasonable boundary to want a monogamous relationship without any cheating or hooking up or placing oneself in a situation that could realistically lead to hooking up with old FWBs or other men.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I It was 20 years ago… that is young 20’s…… ancient history


If it was 20 days ago, would she tell him? She has admitted to a track record of being deceitful to others that she "loved". She is capable of lying for her own benefit.

Cheaters cheat, this is a red-flag in my book.. and a big one.

Wants the ex-lover to be able to hang around ... another red flag.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Not trying to piss you off, but the old FWB doesn’t sound like the only one with loose morals 

I would worry if your relationship hits a rough spot, she may confide in the old FWB, who will try to offer more than advice. 

You have to make your decisions, but I stay away from anyone that has committed adultery. It’s always easier to cross that line the second time than the first.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

tonnyblue said:


> She is sweet, understanding, and tells me she loves me. She has been consistent in her commitment to the relationship since the beginning. She promises to remain exclusive with me, but should i be concerned? Would it be appropriate for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries? I am considering ending it.


Yes, she is as long as she is interessted in you.
But she also revealed to you that she is a double faced person. She is just to stupid to understand what oportunistic and egpistic person she is and that she just disclosed it to you. Question is, did you?

Instead of trying to solve issues in her relationship or end them after reaching an dead end, she did monkey branching. Why? Because she is stupid. It only adds up to her confiding into you about her previous cheating. 
She is a person who isn't conscious about her decisions. She just acts according to her needs like a monkey. 

As a woman I can garantee you, she'll cheat on you once she feels it will provide her with advantages to avoid her being on her own just because of her hormones. She isn't a brain person. She is a hormon drivin opportunist.
She'll take her chances if she can.

The way her brain works is to find excuses to why she is entitled to cheat on her spouse, as long as it provides her with andvantages. 
She'll lie to you if it serves her purpose. 
Stupid, if you fall for her.

Cheaters cheat, because this is the way their brains are wired. They lack self-consious and sense of responsibility. 

Good luck with such woman.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I don't think you need to be worried about the former FWB guy 20 years after the fact. If they wanted to be together, they would be & you never would have entered the picture. 

Her infidelity ending her marriage is more troubling. She's crossed a line that should not be crossed meaning it will be easier for her to cross it again. Do talk to her about your concerns. Make it clear that you would prefer to be broken up with rather than cheated on should the urge come up again


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## Reluctant Texan (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I don't think you need to be worried about the former FWB guy 20 years after the fact. If they wanted to be together, they would be & you never would have entered the picture.
> 
> Her infidelity ending her marriage is more troubling. She's crossed a line that should not be crossed meaning it will be easier for her to cross it again. Do talk to her about your concerns. Make it clear that you would prefer to be broken up with rather than cheated on should the urge come up again


Legally, the infidelity is worse, I suppose. But to me, more troubling is keeping the other "FWB" guy around.

I think it says more about a person & their priorities when they keep relationships like that going after marriage. Not so much being "friends" but continued one-on-one contacts with the person. I wouldn't like that. 

If her prior marriage was toxic or he had cheated first, or had been ignoring her for long periods of time, I couldn't blame her for cheating on her way out. That's of course assuming she's telling the truth.

@tonnyblue how much do you know about how her prior marriage ended? I don't mean what she's told you, I mean what you know objectively to be true.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

tonnyblue said:


> She promises to remain exclusive with me, but should i be concerned? Would it be appropriate for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries? I am considering ending it.


Yes you should be concerned. But only if you have plans to marry her. You can be a FWB if that is what you have in mind, just get tested regularly for STDs. Don't be surprised if the "Lady's Man" hasn't been doing her all along. She hasn't been exclusive to anyone yet. Why do you think you would be the first?

No, not appropriate to push for more details What good would that do? Why set boundaries? She crossed all the boundaries before, what makes you think new boundaries will be different.

I think your considering ending it should be acted on. Be thankful you found out what was underground before you married her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tonnyblue said:


> The first thing is that one of her male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" for a couple of months when they were both single. ... She had previously told me details about him which i would summarize as being a playboy, a ladies man with loose sexual boundaries. I have observed him casually placing his hand on her shoulder in front of me once. She tells me this it harmless and he does that with other women too.


He is a "ladies man with loose sexual boundaries", of course he does this with other women. Add in that they had a "friends with benefits" relationship, and you have a big red flag. 



tonnyblue said:


> The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage. She had lost sexual attraction for her husband and had feelings for another man and acted on it.


If losing "sexual attraction for her husband" and having "feelings for another man" are all that it takes for her to rationalize cheating, then she is an unremorseful cheater that will likely cheat again.

For many, myself included, she would not pass the good wife material test. She will always be pushing the boundaries. Not worth it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It all depends. I am pretty strict about things like that so I doubt if I would persue a relationship/marriage with someone who cheated on their previous spouse or who had a friends with benefits relationship with a guy especially if she still sees him now.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tony,


You wrote, *I have observed him casually placing his hand on her shoulder in front of me once. She tells me this it harmless and he does that with other women too.*

I suspect your GF went back to being FWB after her divorce, she really likes the guy, but does not see him as marriage material. Guys like that keep women on ice in case they need them in the future.

Tell him to keep his f ing hands to himself. It's an affront for him to do so what the hell is he doing when you are not around.

Sexual ex'es have no place as a third person in your relationship.

Gather all the dirt you can on this OM then bust him to the married women' husbands he cheated with.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Once a cheater, always a cheater, so watch for the signs. There is a chance she is no longer a cheater if you are truly the one. At least your GF has informed you about her past. Trust is earned, so allow her to build the trust with you until she screws up, and reveals that she is untrustworthy. 

Love your GF and treat her right at all times. See what happens if you earn her trust as well! 

Best of luck!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TRy said:


> He is a "ladies man with loose sexual boundaries", of course he does this with other women. Add in that they had a "friends with benefits" relationship, and you have a big red flag.
> 
> If losing "sexual attraction for her husband" and having "feelings for another man" are all that it takes for her to rationalize cheating, then she is an unremorseful cheater that will likely cheat again.
> 
> For many, myself included, she would not pass the good wife material test. She will always be pushing the boundaries. Not worth it.


Agree
1. HIS sexual boundaries are not the ones you need to be worried about dude.
2. Whether or not any of this is a problem really depends on how serious you want to get with this woman. 

If you’re having fun and not looking to take it to the next level, have fun and just keep your eyes open.

If however you are thinking about serious, long-term relationship or marriage, I probably wouldn’t. 
The rationalized cheating is no good, and it doesn’t sound like she’d likely be willing to agree to (what I believe are) important boundaries for LTR/marriage, which include no ongoing friendships with exes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There isn’t a cheater living or dead that hasn’t found a way to justify in their mind what they did so they don’t have to accept that they have low character. You might have had reason to wonder if she’d changed, had she said what an awful mistake it was and she is ashamed and has never even considered doing that since. But, throw in a “friend with benefits” that she still wants to have around snd it’s ok if he touches her???? 

Together she just showed you two cheating aces. Myself, I’d be worried about the turn and would fold before the River for sure.
You really need to realize a FWB woman isn’t marriage material.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tonnyblue said:


> I have been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. We are both in out early forties. We were recently having a discussion following something we saw on television about sexual partners. In answer to direct questions that i asked during the conversation she revealed two things that i am concerned about.
> 
> The first thing is that one of her male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" for a couple of months when they were both single. This happened 20 years ago. They were close friends before and she assures me they have been just closed friends since then. They are part of the same group of best friends since high school. They mostly see each other as part of the group but they also see each other one on one occasionally. She had previously told me details about him which i would summarize as being a playboy, a ladies man with loose sexual boundaries. I have observed him casually placing his hand on her shoulder in front of me once. She tells me this it harmless and he does that with other women too.
> 
> ...


So first one, having FWB with a guy from years ago, no. Him being a little to close in front of you with you there and her not protecting you YES. If she doesn't get that that is disrespectful that is a bad sign. 

Then she cheated. Again someone who cheated and has done all the work and is authentic and open, maybe I would give a chance, it would be someone rare but maybe. Someone who did that, isn't open and then has a male guy friend be way too familiar with her.

Nah, too much trouble, not worth it.

Some people might disagree but my feeling is if you want to avoid being cheated on you need to be ruthless about what you are willing to put up with.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Also, who is / was pushing for exclusively and who is primarily pushing towards the next level? Her or you?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

You asked if you should be worried.

She is a cheater so yes you should be worried.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

tonnyblue said:


> The first thing is that one of her male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" for a couple of months when they were both single. This happened 20 years ago. They were close friends before and she assures me they have been just closed friends since then. They are part of the same group of best friends since high school. They mostly see each other as part of the group but they also see each other one on one occasionally. She had previously told me details about him which i would summarize as being a playboy, a ladies man with loose sexual boundaries. I have observed him casually placing his hand on her shoulder in front of me once. She tells me this it harmless and he does that with other women too.


from her side she had a FWB affair/arrangement with this guy a long time ago women look at been friends differently then us men , today she is just friends with him and see herself as never having anything more than a friendship with him again , 

I think both have low sexual boundaries 
But from his side he is friends and an opportunist he will stay friends and all ways hope some day she lets down her guard and he takes advantage that . 








tonnyblue said:


> The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage. She had lost sexual attraction for her husband and had feelings for another man and acted on it.





TRy said:


> If losing "sexual attraction for her husband" and having "feelings for another man" are all that it takes for her to rationalize cheating, then she is an unremorseful cheater that will likely cheat again.


 I AGREE totally with this response,
you will have a good relationship up to the day she starts to feel neglected and she has no problem with cheating if she is getting more attention from another man because she has low sexual boundaries , 
I can not say if she will try to fight to keep a relationship first or not , but once she thinks it is over she is gone , and will drop her panties before she gets a Divorce, 

So it comes down to the relationship will last as long as you both are working at it and honest 
but if you are not putting in your part she will not wait around , now as a person that has never cheated I can't say she is wrong better to be with a person that you know is 100% with you ,
but will not live in a relationship that is not a true relationship ,

IN other words this woman will not live in a fake relationship , once the warmth is gone so is she and would you want someone that will stay around just because they once loved you and now don't but stays for the house or lifestyle , 

she is older and has experience in life and marriage she is not hiding her past and I hope you are not hiding yours to her ,
the experts say a person that was married and divorced before a number of times will get divorced easer , 

The Big Question is what you think type person she is , 

When I married I lover my wife she had grown up in a family that was more out of 1875 than 1975 
sex was dirty , all men want women for is sex , and you can not look at a man or you go to hell, and if you ever have sex and come home pregnant you are out on the street,
This and the fact she one night went to a country dance , met a guy , with loud music and a packed hall they went out side to talk it was frosty so the guy offered to let her sit into his car out of the cold , once she got into the car she found their was no handle on the inside of the door and he drove off 
with her in the car and ended up raping her 

when she got free she begged a woman to phone her home to come get her , daddy and mother picked her up at 3 am they never asked her what happened and it was not reported, 

WHEN WE met I was the type no sex before marriage and we dated 4 years married 26 years ago 
and the sex life was , we would get to a point and then something would snap in her head and she would push me away with the force of a wild horse, it was a long time before she was able relax and enjoy sex 

WHY I am telling you all this is I once told her in one of our many talks about this and sex that she was free to do as she wanted , she can leave tomorrow that I only want her to be with me if she wants me to be , MAKING HER A FREE WOMAN was the most important thing for her once she know and trusted that we were together because we wanted to be and not because someone expected us to syat together for ever over some words or contract, 

Having her freedom was important to her she never used her freedom but has her freedom , we sometimes to swing clubs together , we talk openly about everything we look on ourselves as swingers none practicing , and we love each other ,


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So, Friends With Benefits starting over 20 years ago.
And to this day they are still Friends.
You don't really believe that the Benefits just suddenly and completely stopped for no good reason, do you?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would never go out with a former cheater.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

1) The fact that you asked is a red flag;
2) The fact that she has cheated in the past is a HUGE red flag;
3) The fact that she isn’t willing to be open in regards to discussing her past is a red flag;
4) The fact that she feels you are not worthy of any discussion about her (or yours!) past is a HUGE red flag;
5) The fact that she has slept with other dudes while in a relationship is the BIGGEST red flag I’ve ever seen (I don’t really know why YOU think YOU are any different);
6) The fact that she’s been in The Fog (the cheater’s irrational attachment and fidelity to the person they are emotionally attached to even though the abyss is staring them in the face-AKA dopamine rush) is a red flag;
7) The fact that she keeps a dïck on the side is a huge red flag;
8) The fact that the “friend with benefits” feels gutsy enough to put his arm around her in your presence (which denotes a degree of intimacy I would be really concerned about) is another HUGE red flag.

When it comes to matters of the heart (and sex life,) what you see tends to be the tip of the iceberg. There is probably a VERY good chance your partner is grooming you to accept a relationship “situation” that benefits her sexually (double-dïcked) but puts you in a seriously messed up position.

Only you know how much you want this girl but, if I could offer some advice, you better start putting some emotional and physical boundaries around her. If she rejects that route then you’re setting yourself up for a rollercoaster ride of a relationship because what you are seeing now will NO DOUBT snowball into much worst things.

Good luck.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Adding to my previous reply…I would tell her to stop all contact with the FWB. If she cares about you and the guy means nothing, she will have zero problem doing that.

i would never want to hang out with a guy that was banging my girl. Period.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tony,

Did she reveal who the OM she cheated on her husband was?

She might be reluctant to talk because it is the FWB.

Also did she tell you why her marriage went sour, did it have something to do with FWB. 

He may have been a part of her marriage from the start, possibly he was at her wedding. This is rather common.


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## tonnyblue (5 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> he has given you the truth and that’s a big first step in trust. I would give her a chance but establish the condition that she will NEVER be one on one alone with the guy. It was 20 years ago… that is young 20’s…… ancient history





TAMAT said:


> Tony,
> 
> Did she reveal who the OM she cheated on her husband was?
> 
> ...


The marriage did not go sour because of the former FWB and it was not with him that she cheated. It was with a neighbor who now lives overseas. I think the marriage went sour because of some irritants of daily life and she stopped admiring and having sexual attaction for her husband. He did not neglect or mistreat her.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

tonnyblue said:


> The marriage did not go sour because of the former FWB and it was not with him that she cheated. It was with a neighbor who now lives overseas. I think the marriage went sour because of some irritants of daily life and she stopped admiring and having sexual attaction for her husband. He did not neglect or mistreat her.


Past being predictive of the future, she has done no work on herself (hence holding on to a old F-buddy). Substitute yourself for her ex husband and welcome your future should you stay with her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you’re feeling uneasy, it might be a good idea to end it. I’ve learned in my life that our instincts are usually right. Occasionally, that uneasy feeling can be off, but usually it’s right. If you don’t feel comfortable with her FWB in the picture, that is your right. That’s what dating is about.

If you marry her and he is still in the picture, at your wedding etc…just remember we warned you. lol


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

tonnyblue said:


> The marriage did not go sour because of the former FWB and it was not with him that she cheated. It was with a neighbor who now lives overseas. I think the marriage went sour because of some irritants of daily life and she stopped admiring and having sexual attaction for her husband. He did not neglect or mistreat her.


She is a very high risk partner.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that you should start thinking ahead for your next thread title, when after you married her, you'd need to come back to TAM to the Infidelity section.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

tonnyblue said:


> I think the marriage went sour because of some irritants of daily life and she stopped admiring and having sexual attaction for her husband. He did not neglect or mistreat her.


So if you play that forward, basically as soon as the shine wears off of you, as soon as you get a little boring because of the daily routine of married/LTR life, as soon as you falter a bit, she’s predisposed to betray you.

Not a keeper.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

tonnyblue said:


> The marriage did not go sour because of the former FWB and it was not with him that she cheated. It was with a neighbor who now lives overseas. I think the marriage went sour because of some irritants of daily life and she stopped admiring and having sexual attaction for her husband. He did not neglect or mistreat her.


So she got bored with her husband and cheated on him. Not a good track record.


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## tonnyblue (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Also, who is / was pushing for exclusively and who is primarily pushing towards the next level? Her or you?


Sorry can't give a clear cut answer here. I think it has been equal.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

tonnyblue said:


> She promises to remain exclusive with me, but should i be concerned?


You'll be fine, unless/until she gets bored with you.


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