# Husband freaking out over my credit card debt



## oolagirl (Oct 27, 2010)

This is my first post, and if anyone has any advice, I am so open to it.

Backround...dh is a hard worker, sometimes too hard a drinker, not the best communicator, a big believer in the silent treatment, and ignoring things until they go away. Can be the most loving husband, but we all walk on eggshells around him.

Me: I was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years of our kids lives, (we have 4) and now work part time. Very open, total people pleaser, will do anything for anyone, sometimes too sympathetic to my kids. I hate when people are upset, and try to solve conflict as quickly as possible. I am in charge of all of the kids clothing, the groceries, birthdays, Christmas presents, ect. 


Dh started getting his hours cut two years ago, he is a carpenter, and there just wasn't enough work. I would take some money out of savings when there wasn't enough for groceries, or if one of the kids needed shoes, or underwear, or was having a birthday. He would sometimes take money out too to cover the mortgage, bills, or anything that was important to him.

He has always watched every penny I spend, and I am trying to avoid arguments. I shop at thrift stores, clearance, never pay full price, and work my butt off trying to keep everyone in shoes and clothes, and food. We have two teenagers and two younger ones, and we go through a lot of food.

I started putting groceries on my credit card when we were out of money, as well as school supplies, all of Christmas last year, ect. My main bill is $6000 (this is over the course of two years)

He is of the thought that each kid only needs one Christmas/birthday present, and I spend about $150 on each kid. Maybe that is frivolous, but I love Christmas, and I love the magic of their faces on Christmas morning...anyway...

I have a Kohls card which I also use for all of our clothes, that is up to 2000, and one other credit card totalling 2000. My total debt is about 10000 over two years. 

He feels that if you don't have the cash, you don't buy it. While in a perfect world, I would agree, 4 kids in a house with no milk...sorry, not going to happen. If they have holes in their shoes, sorry, I'm buying them a new pair. If they need a winter coat, then I have to buy them a winter coat. Like I said, I will shop at thrift stores. I was without a winter coat for 2 years. I only own a couple of purses. I don't buy things that we don't need, and still over the last two years of his either being laid off or working half of his hours, I racked up 10000 in debt.

He said he is sick of my wastefulness, and cant live with me anymore. I am sick about this. I don't want all of this debt either, but I honestly felt like I did what I had to do. I pay my credit card bills all by myself, every month, and now he feels like the joint checking account is "his" I am tired, tired of walking on eggshells, and tired of him glaring at me when he checks the balance. 

He said that he can't live with me anymore. I have lived with him through our early 20s when he was a huge drinker, through him being in a band and being gone with my brother every Friday. He still goes and plays with my brother and his brother in the garage every Friday, they drink and have fun.

I used to agree with him when he'd yell at me about spending, I am not great at saving, and while we never eat out, I do take my kids to a movie occasionally (once a month or less)

Now when he took away my debit card, I told him that I'm not backing down, that I have done what I had to do, he doesn't ever buy anything for the kids or the house (I'm not talking furniture, I'm talking things like clothes and cereal, field trips, book fair, school pictures, ect) When I wouldn't give in, and agree that I am a spendthrift, he tells me that I have to turn everything into a fight. 

I'm so tired (


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

oolagirl said:


> This is my first post, and if anyone has any advice, I am so open to it.


 Please remember you said you are "Open" to any advice. I may be a little tough on you. 



oolagirl said:


> I shop at thrift stores, clearance, never pay full price, and work my butt off trying to keep everyone in shoes and clothes, and food. We have two teenagers and two younger ones, and we go through a lot of food.


 Do you use coupons, do you take advantage of BOGO offers, do you buy Generics, do you cook from scratch & avoid higher priced package foods? Do you shop at Lower cost Grocery outlets? We have 6 kids, Husbands makes about $50,000 a year. I am definetly a penny pincher, my kids KNOW if it is not on sale, we wont be buying it ! I refuse to pay XX amount over for a box of cereal, I use coupons in combination with BOGO Offers. I buy the lower cost of most everything when given a choice. This helps immensely on the Grocery bill. I do not load up on sweets & junk food, this is wasteful. I also use my credit card BUT I do this to earn $$ off of it, I pay in full every month and in return my Credit card company pays ME $300 in cash (the limit) throughout the year. I also look out for rebates, and free offers. 



oolagirl said:


> He is of the thought that each kid only needs one Christmas/birthday present, and I spend about $150 on each kid. Maybe that is frivolous, but I love Christmas, and I love the magic of their faces on Christmas morning...anyway....


If you are drowning in Debt & this is causing major conflict in your marraige, I will have to side with your husband. One gift is enough. We have made Christmas about gifts, unfortunately, it is about being Thankful for what we do have. Not getting more. Children are best to learn this at a young age. Be creative, try something new, make each other gifts. I have friends who forwent all gift giving and spent the day at a Homeless shelter helping other less fortunate. I recall them saying that was the most memorable Christmas their family every shared together.



oolagirl said:


> I have a Kohls card which I also use for all of our clothes, that is up to 2000, and one other credit card totalling 2000. My total debt is about 10000 over two years.


 You mention shopping at Thrift stores earlier, I take it you mean for other things then, but not clothes? Is their an aversion to used /second hand clothes for the kids in school. In our area, we have many Consignment shops that have beautiful clothes & much cheaper than Kolhs! Just something to consider, if you are not paying these credit cards in full every month -those jeans you spent $30 on will end up costing you over $150 in a few years -with interest. Not wise at all. 




oolagirl said:


> He feels that if you don't have the cash, you don't buy it. ....


I accually agree with your husband, within reason of coarse, Yes, you NEED the milk, noone NEEDS pop (I know you didnt say this, just an example). If you go to a restaurant, drink water, save $$. Buy your winter coat used for $10 if you have alot of debt. Even look for lightly used Shoes for the family at consignment shops, you can literally save Hundreds doing these things. Buy ahead of time before the children grow into the sizes if you see a Good deal. Buy used cars, never put a vacation on credit, save for it. 

In this world we live in today, so many of us have foolishly fell into the belief that we NEED all of these things - you mention book fairs (Why not the Library), School pics (do you order the lowest cost package available?). Even cell phones, does your family carry them ? I wonder the cost per month. Our family is still using Tracfones, the cost per phone per month is approx $7 a month & the phones we use have free incoming text. I have no desrire for the $60 a month or more phone bills my friends have , I do not miss the bells & whitles on thier phone, I can make calls just the same, and have $$ to pay for a better camera to boot. Some of these things are simply not a necessity. But we think they are. 




oolagirl said:


> He said that he can't live with me anymore. I have lived with him through our early 20s when he was a huge drinker, through him being in a band and being gone with my brother every Friday. He still goes and plays with my brother and his brother in the garage every Friday, they drink and have fun.(


 Sounds like he has his own Excesses-with drinking. 
You mention taking the kids to the movies, do you have any Budget $1 theaters in your area? We drive our family of 8 to the Local $1 Theater- it is a 30 minute drive (movies come out about 6 months later from Box office release)-on special days, we pay just .75cents per ticket. So our family of 8 gets in for $6 total !! At this rate, we have brought their friends, then get pizza afterwards. We never buy popcorn or junk food at the Theater. But fill our pockets with a few goodies.



Sounds like you really need a budget. Personally I have never done a budget, I just have always lived & breahed very frugally, then when I really wanted somethign badly, I can pay cash & never be in debt. It is a healthy way to live. But you must learn to cut out all excess till you get your finances back in check. Then you can be a a little more liberal with your money. It helps that my husband is also a "saver", he allows me to handle all the finances, he makes the money & gives me all the control , he tells the guys at work >> his wife can squeeze a dime out of a nickle. A couple times in my life I had the cashier at the Grocery store owning me change after the transaction-which didn't cost me a dime ! Haven't done this for a very very long time, but it was very cool seeing the look on her face, not knowing what she should do. 

I hope I have not been too hard on you. I am passionate about saving, it gives one such peace to not be in debt. We are a family of 8, I am a stay at home Mom, we have our house, land & both "older" vehicles completely paid off. No credit card debt, in my 21 yrs of marriage, only once did I not pay in full, I was upset that the small amount owed was going to cost me $14 in interest, so never again did I let that happen. Our kids are not lacking for anything -their clothes are never NEW, but heck, after a few washes, they are old anyway!


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## oolagirl (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks, SA. I do shop thrift stores, but you can't get everything there. My kids wear uniforms, twice I have found their winter coats there, but we live in Chicago, and warm coats are a must. 

We aren't drowning in debt, we actually would have been fine through his lay offs, but we had a death in the family that was unexpected...someone with no job, or insurance, and it cost us $11,000...I do appreciate your advice very much, and especially that you took the time to put so much into it. Thank you <3


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Yeah -loosing one's Health Insurance in the United States is a literal killer, I remember worrying if my husband changed jobs or got laid off -how that would cost, when I read the $$ for COBRA, I just about died !! My husband literally stayed in a sucky job for 18 yrs because of the fear of loosing Good Health insurance for our family. 

He has a much better job now, and we never had to do the Cobra thing. We would have risked not having it -with the cost! I feel for anyone who gets put in that whirlpool of drowning debt over Health Insurance costs. I guess when it comes to other luxuries in life, I tend to be a little critical, but never health insurance. 

Glad to hear I did not offend too much, these things are things I teach my children. I am proud to say, my son in College is very very thrifty, I can give him $300 for fun -leisure and it will last him a good 3 months or more. I do pick up his "needs" but not his wants. I tell him if he wants a better cell phone, he will be getting a job, cause Mom & Dad aint picking up the tab.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He took your debit card so now he has to do everything. Let him do everything. You can't buy nothing so now he has to. Since he doesn't shop he has no idea how much things cost.

Perhaps the two of you can shop together if he wants to monitor the spending. Turn it ALL over to him, and let him go for it. Less stress on you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I don't know... something doesn't add up here. Ten THOUSAND dollars in milk and clothes over two years? I with your husband. If you don't have the money, you don't buy it. It sounds to me like there is room to cut for sure.

There is a book called Total Money Makeover. I would recommend getting a copy from the library, inter-library loan if you have to. (No really, I don't get kick backs!) It talks about budget and paying cash. It hurts more when you see the cash leave the envelope. And it talks about debt snowballing. It also talks about something he calls gazelle intensity. Getting out of debt and financially secure is a matter of life and death. The gazelle is intense because it does not want to get eaten. So too must you be that intense.

There are host sites for Angel Food Ministries in Chicago. I have never used them, but I have heard other people save a TON using them. I save a BUNCH of money by only ever buying meat on sale. I never ever pay more than $1.99 for meat. If you google oamc or 30 day gourmet, you can freezer cook and get good bang for your buck. Produce also, always only ever on sale. It is challenging to eat healthily when on a budget, but can be done. Legumes are cheap. A ham bone, an onion and a bag of split peas makes a huge meal....

Toiletries and cleaning supplies are another seeming essential that people spend too much money on. There is a brand of toothpaste in nearly every store called Pepsodent. It is VASTLY cheaper than brand toothpaste for instance... Elbow grease can replace almost all cleaning supplies except dish detergent and laundry detergent. If you use fabric softener, which we do in the winter for static cling, replace it with liquid fabric softener in a spray bottle. Spritz it on a washcloth. Super cheap dryer sheet.

I think you said you have teenaged kids? When I was growing up, Mom would buy us one back to school outfit and one coat. (From Goodwill or the equivalent of the time). We took care of the rest. I joke you not. We paid for our own underwear, socks, clothes the whole shooting match from the time we were old enough to have paper routes.

Ixnay on the oviemay, in my opinion. Video rental and home made popcorn is cheap! Walks are even cheaper! Games of monopoly are super cheap. (Or whatever game.)

I have been learning this stuff over time. There are so many things that I used to consider essential that we don't even miss anymore. 

I also agree with 4sure. If he wants to do it, let him do it! 

Best of luck to you! Hard work ahead.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

First off-I think he's being mentally / verbally abusive and that's just wrong. It hurts your self esteem and motivation to be a good wife and mother and a strong person. If you don't feel good about yourself and who YOU are-it has too change. 
Any relationship is a 50/50 partnership for everything. This is critical for a marriage to work. To be honest my wife looks after 90% of the money and always has. I make over double what she does in a year. But who cares. The big word here is TRUST. I trust her decision making and ideas. I've been with her since I was 19 she was 18. I'm 39 now and still love her. Our sex life isn't what I think it should be but we can work on that!
Yes, your credit card debt is an issue. Once in it's hard to get out. 
Dept store credit cards are brutal get rid of all of them. At 28.8% interest, they should be outlawed.
You only need 1 Master Card of Visa. That's it. Transfer the balances over and pay 18.9% or less if you can find a deal.
Scale back your spending on the extras for now.
What's your Mortgage at on your house?
Car Payments?
Can you consolidate some loans / debt??


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

4sure said:


> He took your debit card so now he has to do everything. Let him do everything. You can't buy nothing so now he has to. Since he doesn't shop he has no idea how much things cost.
> 
> Perhaps the two of you can shop together if he wants to monitor the spending. Turn it ALL over to him, and let him go for it. Less stress on you.


I agree with this, if he wants to do it all let him. 

I have heard of debt counseling places where they help people manage their debt (have never been to one since all of my debt is student loans and there really isn't much you can do about that.) Could something like this help?


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## LaneVids (Jun 3, 2012)

Hi. I can speak from experience because when my wife and I were dating, she had a lot of credit card debt, but before we got married we paid it all off. Now we are dealing with her Student Loan debt. We are working Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover now and we plan to never get any more debt. If you want to see some videos of our progress, here's the latest one.

STARTING DEBT SNOWBALL!!! Total Money Makeover - April!!! - YouTube

Hopefully this helps or at least gives you some motivation.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's very frustrating being married to someone who doesn't seem to have an issue with spending money you haven't got. $150 on each kid at Christmas when you're struggling with money is wasteful and pointless - and it would bug the hell out of me too

I spent my entire marriage trying to curb his spending but because we earned the equivalent of $8000 a month between us he seemed to think that money was no issue and hated being told that actually it was and that our debt was increasing because he had no concept of how much it costs just to live in the UK

store cards are a massive no-no - what APR are you paying on those?? Transfer your CC debt to a 0% card and then cut it up - credit cards should be for emergencies only, they are way too expensive to be using for bread and milk!

kids these days have too much 'stuff' - I know you want to please and make them happy, but material things only go so far in doing that


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Check the post date people this is from 2010........lol.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Check the post date people this is from 2010........lol.[/QUOTE
> 
> I see this is an old post date, but I'm wondering why no one suggested working more hours (wife).
> 
> ...


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## Catlover27 (May 22, 2012)

It's interesting that he gets mad at you for spending too much but last time I checked, alcohol isn't all that cheap. Excessive drinking will cause you to blow through money real fast. Just something that he should consider.


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