# Wife of 24 years lied about her past travels



## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

We just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary under a lot of stress. About two months ago I discovered that my wife has been withholding the truth from me about the strangest things for our entire marriage. Basically there was a pattern that I only discovered after this last incident. Her family was visiting us from out of town and it was revealed that before we were married she visited a place out west with her sister years ago. The problem with this was this was a place that she and I have been planning to visit on our next vacation for about the last year and not once did she mention she had already been there before. I then remembered the times after we had visited a few other places that I found out she had been after the fact that she did not tell me about either. That was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. This is definitely a pattern and she has been dishonest with me for years. If she was dishonest about this of course what else? 

We could not talk about it in depth until our company left but when we did I really told her how disappointed I was in her and that I was deeply hurt and lost a lot of trust. I told her no more! What else is out there that she withheld. So she told me a few more places she had been and kept from me and admitted she was wrong and asked for me to forgive her. Before I could forgive her I told her I need to understand why. One of things we always loved to do together was travel so this really mucks things up.

She told me a few different reasons. I tried to be understanding. Most in her mind were either to hide a somewhat wild past (that I mostly knew about and it wasn’t that bad at all), something that embarrassed her that in her mind would make her look foolish to me and lastly she thought that I would not want to go there if I knew she had already been there. So I can see maybe depending on how I might of reacted to things in our early days that she might be reluctant to bring things up but this really stung me. It’s been 25 years since we met, I think it should have come up by now and I should not be finding out this way.

It is not like she cheated on me but thinking about living with her all these years now knowing she purposely lied to me makes it hard for me to remember our years the same way. We are communicating better now but I still suspect there is a lot I still don’t know and am having a hard time completely forgiving her yet and trusting her which is the worse part. I need to trust her. Besides letting time heal this, does anyone have any more constructive advice for us?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

She needs to completely come clean. Tell you everything about these lies and any other real lies (not telling you about a surprise party does not count).

You see the problem in your own post:



> I still suspect there is a lot I still don’t know and am having a hard time completely forgiving her yet and trusting her which is the worse part.


You can't forgive until you know what you are forgiving.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tell her you do not trust her any longer. IF you find one more lie out you are out of there. tell her it is her last chance to come clean. Be prepared to leave her for good if she keeps lying.
Counseling for a liar like your W is a good option, but only if she is unaware of why she does it. Most know why but just play dumb.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Wait a minute.

Did she lie about being to these places before, or did she simply not happen to mention it? I sincerely doubt I've told my about wife every place I've been to in my life.

I don't want to make light of your situation, but I'm not sure I get this.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GTdad said:


> Wait a minute.
> 
> Did she lie about being to these places before, or did she simply not happen to mention it? I sincerely doubt I've told my about wife every place I've been to in my life.
> 
> I don't want to make light of your situation, but I'm not sure I get this.


It seems to me that is the same thing. From his original post:



> The problem this was a place that she and I have been planning to visit on our next vacation for about the last year and not once did she mention she had already been there before.


So he and she are planning to go somewhere and she just does not mention that she has already been there in the past. This is not forgetting to mention a past trip. It is hiding that she had been there. That is a lie through omission.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is not forgetting to mention a past trip. It is hiding that she had been there. That is a lie through omission.


Calling it a "lie of omission" is a bit of a stretch. Honestly, who cares if she has been somewhere before or not? Maybe she just wanted to keep the vacation more special for her husband. 

Eight2six,

I'm not trying to be accusatory or insulting, and I know I'm making some assumptions to fill in the gaps in the limited information we have here. But it sounds like you are an insecure person, and your wife may be withholding this information because she's afraid you are going to overreact. That doesn't excuse any of her own problems, but I'm just pointing out that your paranoid and accusatory attitude is probably making the situation worse.

How about telling her honestly that you love her, you don't care what she did in her past (as long as it remains in the past) and she can tell you anything without you getting angry? To prepare for this, imagine the worst possible case scenario (like she admits she worked as a prostitute, did porn, etc) and imagine how you could deal with it without blowing up. Now you are ready to hear anything.

You could also go through this in marriage counseling, but honestly this sounds like an issue that you two should be able to handle on your own.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Did you ever express disappointment that she's already been somewhere that you would like to visit with her? Perhaps she just doesn't want to deal with this and wants to keep you happy?

Related to above, did you ever express jealousy or discomfort that she traveled more than you in life? If traveling around and discovering new things is something special that you share together, maybe at one point (without meaning any harm) you made her feel like she ruined all of this because she 'already did it all'.

Did she go to these places with an ex-bf and just didn't want to deal with the questions, etc?

The idea that she might be keeping quiet because she may have been up to some wild things on these trips makes no sense. this was many years ago so if she slept with some guys in Tulsa or did some drugs in Fresno, she could just leave out any of these details that might embarrass her.

Also, I would sense something more sinister if she hid one city/trip from you rather than many. This would make it more likely that she was trying to hide a significant memory from you and/or herself. It's less likely that she would associate many different places with bad memories or horrendous periods of life.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with she needs to come clean too. Impossible to forgive if you don't know exactly what you are forgiving.


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## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

She told me about a lot of other places including traveling with her boyfriend to England and we went there together and had a great time more than once. 

In my early days I probably was a little insecure and jealous but not over the top. But we were planning our last trip after being married for over 20 years and I am nothing like that anymore for her to worry about that or so I would have expected. She said she did not tell me this because she was embarrassed about going there to meet with some girl she met on a cruise. She said she always had problems making close friends and she was despartly trying to force a friendship that did not work out. She said she thought is would make her look pathetic to me. She was there with her married sister. I don't think there was anything happening and honestly don't care. I just feel bad she did not tell me she had been. After all we were planning this trip for months.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Eight2Six said:


> She told me a few different reasons. I tried to be understanding. Most in her mind were either to hide a somewhat wild past (that I mostly knew about and it wasn’t that bad at all), *something that embarrassed her that in her mind would make her look foolish to me and lastly she thought that I would not want to go there if I knew she had already been there. *


I think the answer to your dilemma in in your post, the part highlighted above. Sometimes a good opportunity hides in what might appear to be a crisis.
Maybe both of you can talk about all the places she's been to with her ex lovers which you might be uncomfortable going to.
Obviously, she could not have gone _everywhere_ in the past..

So both of you can now plan a fresh start to your vacations or places of interests / entertainment, to places either of you have never been , and create new memories that would be unique, and special to both of you.

It worked for my wife and I.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

do you suspect her sexual life before you was more extensive than she has admitted? Your posts have an undercurrent of that. That your concern is she is hiding things more significant than just her travel history.......


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> tell her you do not trust her any longer. IF you find one more lie out you are out of there. tell her it is her last chance to come clean. Be prepared to leave her for good if she keeps lying.
> Counseling for a liar like your W is a good option, but only if she is unaware of why she does it. Most know why but just play dumb.


Seriously? 24 years of marriage and an ultimatum like that for the sorts of things described by the OP? Sounds like a "guilty until proven innocent" approach.

OP, other than this travel stuff is there anything else, any other behaviors, that cause you to be troubled about your relationship. Oh, and when did these trips occur. You mention one before you were married. Were these all years past or have these been recent trips?


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## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

It seems to always be something about travel but that is what we do the most together other than work all of the time. All of the problems are hiding some places she had been to before we were married. I say some becuase she told me of some places including places she had been to with a guy or just the girls. So it is weird to me there were other places she hid from me. About three years after we visited Niagra Falls she slipped and mentioned going there with her boyfriend. No big deal but it started the pattern.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I would feel weird, too. Kind of like living a double life or something. 
That said, if these trips happened before you married, they happened a long time ago. After a certain amount of time, even if you've been somewhere, you might as well forget it--those places can change so much, it's hardly important.
She sounds insecure about her first visits to those places, and now she gets to do it "for real" as the grownup that she now is. 
It's likely a kind of fear or insecurity that's sealing her lips. Invite her to feel safe with you, instead of potentially condemning. Don't take it personally. It's more about her and probably feeling dumb for who she was back then, and glad she has a chance to have a better time--with you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

In many of the posts on this board, you'll find a lot of very hurting people who have suffering financial loss, divorce, infidelity, abuse, and addicition. 

Not to trivialize your concern, but is this really worth fussing over? If you've gotten thru 24 years of relative harmonious marriage, I don't know if I'd make a big deal out of this. Maybe she withheld it because you were acting insecure early in the relationship and she didn't want to hurt you, and then it kinda set a pattern that carried over the years. Who knows? 

Is it worth damaging your relationship over? Everyone has secrets.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> In many of the posts on this board, you'll find a lot of very hurting people who have suffering financial loss, divorce, infidelity, abuse, and addicition.
> 
> Not to trivialize your concern, but is this really worth fussing over? If you've gotten thru 24 years of relative harmonious marriage, I don't know if I'd make a big deal out of this. Maybe she withheld it because you were acting insecure early in the relationship and she didn't want to hurt you, and then it kinda set a pattern that carried over the years. Who knows?
> 
> Is it worth damaging your relationship over? Everyone has secrets.


I agree as long as this is the end of the story.

His mind has got to be wondering what else is there.
Eh take her out to dinner and ask her in a relaxed setting that's what I would do.


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## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

I really thank everyone for your sugestions and thoughts. It is helpfull. I get that my issue may seem trivial to some of the other more serious issues others are facing. We have been cruising along for so many years with me thinking we have a perferct marriage and this just threw me off. Like some have said when it first blew up I demanded accountability and answers and I think I got them. I am not sure I understand the answers but knowing my wife the way I do I beleive her. Are ther some secrets still out there? Probably. But I found when I started getting some details I realized why she probably kept stuff from me. I get weird. Nothing I have heard from her past would worry me except when I think about her and how long we have been together it is hard for me to think about her having relationships besides me. Very immature of me I know. So being able to vent a little online here has been helpful and I again appreciate everyone's thoughts. I plan on using this as an opputunity to make our marriage better than ever getting past all this old crap. We are both around 50 and I don't want to waste time in our remaining good years. Thanks all!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Great job!

Are you sure you are over it though? It sounds like you have jealousy issues. I personally don't think jealousy issues are "bad" necessarily, it all just depends on how you react to your own jealousy. Just make sure you really understand your own feelings so you can work through them. Don't rug sweep.

I can understand feeling like you've been lied to and wondering what other lies might have been told. That would be scary. But I'm glad you feel you understand her reasons for withholding the truth, because if it really was "nothing to worry about" I think you can sense that and trust your gut on it.

It sounds like you love each other very much.


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## Eight2Six (Nov 27, 2013)

Some here seem to think I am all hung up on my wife's past with men. I am really not. I admitted in my posts feeling a little uncomfortable with some of her mistakes she made in the past (her words not mine). If she feels that way it is hard for me to not although I always support her and tell her it is not that bad or everyone makes mistakes. What I was upset with and why I posted this thread was because her dishonesty with me over the years regarding places she had been that we either have been to or planning to see. Trust is a big deal for me. I am an open book and thought she was too. So I was upset and hurt she felt she needed to keep things from me. But she told me about most of her travel with guys before we were married (a few trips here and there) and we have since been to most of those places together with no issues. In fact most of her travel that she did not tell me about was not with a guy or to see a guy, they were just places she said she was embarrassed about going there with or to see so-called friends that turned out no friends and/or she just knows I often want to do something else if she already been there with so many other places we can both see for the first time. If I said something like that way back my wife is definitely the type to remember. I teased her once about the way she danced shortly after we were married and she barely has danced with me since. I think some of you are reading more into this than there is. But thanks for your opinions and advice.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

You might think you're ok with things (or people) she did in her past, but your reactions could be more hurtful than you think. Maybe that's why she's lying.


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