# do your kids know?



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

My 13 year old daughter discovered that her dad had an affair almost one year ago after she accidentally came across some question/answer type email correspondance betweeen my husband and I. I am sad and worried for my daughter. In one instant she lost the sweetness of childhood and now continues to struggle from time to time with anger towards her dad. This is just another very painful consequence of my husband's A.

To any BS or WS - do you children know about the infidelity? How are they handling that information and what are you doing to help them through it?

Thanks...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Our daughter was 15 when her mother abruptly left for another guy after a very stealthy 3 month betrayal. 

She went from straight A's to being expelled from 2 schools in less than 6 months. She started hanging with the wrong crowd, ditched her good friends, started drinking, drugs, having sex... and from some drugs now has a terminal illness. Her mother and her are still estranged from each other after over 10 years. 

The 15 year old of the POSOM was a really sweet kid and she too went off the deep end. She was pregnant within 6 months. So much for her life as well.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> She went from straight A's to being expelled from 2 schools in less than 6 months. She started hanging with the wrong crowd, ditched her good friends, started drinking, drugs, having sex... and from some drugs now has a terminal illness. Her mother and her are still estranged from each other after over 10 years.
> .


Wow man that's rough. Just goes to show that selfish fvcks think of no one but themselves. But I guess in the long run your daughter is better off without her.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

My oldest knows, but WS does not know she knows. All our kids are grown tho.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Wow man that's rough. Just goes to show that selfish fvcks think of no one but themselves. But I guess in the long run your daughter is better off without her.


I maintain that betrayers, no matter how hard they try, never begin to comprehend the collateral damage they do to children, family member and even friends. 

As an example, I lost two close friends as they refused to take sides (I never asked them to, but they just wanted to be neutral- and I get that). Close friendships gone. Also, one of my ex's girl friends who aided and abetted her caused such a row with her husband that they ended up separating (a possible old betrayal of hers came up and caused marital problems). I lost tough with them and don't know if they ever divorced.

People just don't see the ripple effects of betraying.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I maintain that betrayers, no matter how hard they try, never begin to comprehend the collateral damage they do to children, family member and even friends.
> 
> As an example, I lost two close friends as they refused to take sides (I never asked them to, but they just wanted to be neutral- and I get that). Close friendships gone. Also, one of my ex's girl friends who aided and abetted her caused such a row with her husband that they ended up separating (a possible old betrayal of hers came up and caused marital problems). I lost tough with them and don't know if they ever divorced.
> 
> People just don't see the ripple effects of betraying.


My wife is dealing with the damage she's done by badmouthing me to her family, and her sister helping her of course makes it so I won't speak to her unless it's after she apologizes to me for giving the crack head a crack pipe.

My kids all know, but my youngest is 16 and pretty mature.. When he found out he wanted to know how it was going to impact dinner that night.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

russell28 said:


> My kids all know, but my youngest is 16 and pretty mature.. When he found out he wanted to know how it was going to impact dinner that night.


HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Big future for him I think.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

NO


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

HealthyMe, LanieB, thatbpguy... i'm so sorry.

HealthyMe, i see no other way that your husband doing the work, the work of reganing her trust and respect. He disapointed her, he must own his stuff, apologize and be patient. It's somehow like reconciling with you only there's the struggle of trying to make her respect his parenting decisions (you, as a team have a role into this also). Were they close before this? Was she a daddy's girl? 13 is a such a problematic age?

Hope he's doing his best to rebuild the marriage: remorse, redemption and forgiveness are good lessons to learn.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

I will be following this thread with great interest .....

No, I haven't told my 12 year old son yet. Been struggling to find the right time. He has never witnessed any fight between me and his dad. Ever since I showed STBXH the door post-DD2 two months ago, my son has never mentioned his dad. I think he knows something but not everything.

On Boxing Day last year, I walked out of the room in tears, seriously shaking, after reading STBXH's tawdry emails to OW. When I came back in, I saw S12 with tears in his eyes. It transpired later that S12 asked his dad, "What's wrong with Mummy?" ... And his dad gave him the line about how he made a big 'mistake' and how much he has hurt Mummy and how hard he was trying to make amends. He gave his son TOTAL [email protected] !!!

So, at this point in time, S12 has never talked about his dad to me or any other member of our families. The puppy we adopted made a tremendous positive effect in his day-to-day life now. To see the big smile on his innocent face, the chuckles and burst of laughter when he and puppy have a tug-of-war over the blanket at bedtime.

I have never caught him in a moment of dejection or less than upbeat spirit so far. Final term exams papers came back last week. All is good in that regard. My little man is holding up and I am so proud of him.

Perhaps on the sporting front S12 has lost a teeny weeny bit fire in his belly. His dad has been his biggest fan and critic. In a way, I always felt that STBXH was trying to give himself a second chance through S12. For having 'failed' his dad for not achieving his best in sports (my FIL played to a very high level in his days).

But the fact remains that S12 is his dad's "collateral damage". The man he idolised and put on a pedestal decided that he has an obligation to give the OW "a better life". The dad who opted to parent and mentor his mistress instead of his own flesh and blood. 

I shake my head in disbelief everytime I get a flashback of the day my son came into the world. Of the tears flowing down his dad's cheek when he held him in his arms for the very first time .....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Overthemoon88 said:


> The puppy we adopted made a tremendous positive effect in his day-to-day life now. To see the big smile on his innocent face, the chuckles and burst of laughter when he and puppy have a tug-of-war over the blanket at bedtime.


What a great idea to help his little heart in a time like this.




Overthemoon88 said:


> But the fact remains that S12 is his dad's "collateral damage". The man he idolised and put on a pedestal decided that he has an obligation to give the OW "a better life". The dad who opted to parent and mentor his mistress instead of his own flesh and blood.
> 
> I shake my head in disbelief everytime I get a flashback of the day my son came into the world. Of the tears flowing down his dad's cheek when he held him in his arms for the very first time .....


Betrayers and their betraying ways are the epitome of pure evil selfishness.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

(((Hugs))) ---> thatbpguy

I hope you and you family will / have came out stronger after all you have been through. I really do.

I am waiting to write the epilogue to our M. God knows when I can close the chapter on the legalities front.


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks for the replies thus far. I guess I would also be interested in hearing from people who grew up with infidelity in their own homes. How did you deal with the loss of respect, the sense of shame for your parent?

My daughter had already picked up on some things that concerned her. She asked me months prior if her dad had an affair and I figured out a way to not answer her question (basically lying without officially lying). I was not prepared to blow up her world that night. Unfortunately now because of that she has some trust issues. 

So, trust, shame, respect, anger are what she's experiencing. We invite her to talk about her feelings and to ask us questions, but she usually does not want to discuss. We have also encouraged the idea of family therapy or individual therapy but she is adamantly opposed.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

My eldest daughter (12) knows. I could hardly help but tell her, I was so totally devastated by it I spent three days just shaking and crying.

My youngest is only 5 so she obviously doesn't know.

I was worried about my eldest as she was so strong and supportive for me, but who was there for her? She has spoken to the counsellor at school. She seems to be coping at school and she has witnessed my WH trying very hard to make amends, but I don't know what the long term effects will be on her from this.

We got a puppy too


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> I maintain that betrayers, no matter how hard they try, never begin to comprehend the collateral damage they do to children, family member and even friends.
> 
> People just don't see the ripple effects of betraying.


Why should they... *no one will ever find out*. Cheater are invincible, flying higher than Superman.

Both my grown children knew about my fww affairs. Ripped our whole family apart for a long time. Even in R, the scars are still present.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Robsia said:


> My eldest daughter (12) knows. I could hardly help but tell her, I was so totally devastated by it I spent three days just shaking and crying.
> 
> My youngest is only 5 so she obviously doesn't know.
> 
> ...












Robsia ... Meet the latest addition to our family !!! Her name is Reina ... Puppy Reina


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

No, their dad told ds who is 21 that it was just a friendship (so he thinks I got all upset over dad's friendship). I confronted h and he said 'well it was a friendship at the beginning so I'm not lying). Dd has no idea and is 13.
She senses the tension and knows her dad is a liar and just thinks it's that. He bends the truth all the time and she sees this.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I maintain that betrayers, no matter how hard they try, never begin to comprehend the collateral damage they do to children, family member and even friends.
> 
> People just don't see the ripple effects of betraying.


Many times it doesn't even reach the place of comprehend, they sadly don't care enough to try. They don't see because they don't care. That's the truth.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Robsia ... Meet the latest addition to our family !!! Her name is Reina ... Puppy Reina


Cute


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

HealthyMe said:


> My 13 year old daughter discovered that her dad had an affair almost one year ago after she accidentally came across some question/answer type email correspondance betweeen my husband and I. I am sad and worried for my daughter. In one instant she lost the sweetness of childhood and now continues to struggle from time to time with anger towards her dad. This is just another very painful consequence of my husband's A.
> 
> To any BS or WS - do you children know about the infidelity? How are they handling that information and what are you doing to help them through it?
> 
> Thanks...


I think the better question would be, what do you tell them? I believe there is great debate in the world of counseling over what should be told and how much.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My d16 discovered her dad's online sexting and came to me to say "I think dad is having an affair" I knew about some texting that crossed the line, but didn't know how far it had gone. It was worse than my daughter knew when she came to me. Her relationship with her father is almost nonexistent at the moment. He is unapologetic and has accused her of causing the D. During a huge fight the two of them were having our D12 heard it all. D12 still wants a father so she's willing to talk to him. I tried counseling for a few weeks for the older D but it was pretty obvious even to the counselor that she didn't really need it. She it incredibly smart, they both are. Both are honor students. They see other father's that we know and both understand that the last five years of our marriage, he did nothing for the family except yell at us. D16 has a wonderful boyfriend who treats her and our family with respect. 

I should have ended the M sooner than I did. For that I carry a ton of guilt, I think I could have avoided my children discovering what their father was up to.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

My dad left when I was 12 after torturing my mother emotionally with the affair. I heard some of the stuff that went on first hand. 

I seen my mother break down, it was hard to understand what to do. On my birthday I was so angry I didn't want to talk to him anymore. My mother told me if that is what I wanted then I had to tell him, not her. 

I did. 

It was the last time I ever spoke or seen him. 

Flash forward 24 years later. I am 46 with 2 boys 13 and 8. 19 years with the same woman, 5 years dating and 14 years married. She leaves me for someone almost 10 years older and a foot shorter then me, no money and pretty much broke. OM uses the truck I gave her in the divorce to do his construction work. 

My wife kept the affair a secret from me of course until I caught her. But she didn't keep it a secret from my kids. So they knew TONS, TONS more then I did. My oldest was torn between betraying his mother and his loyalty. 

In the end the oldest pretty much went my route. I have custody of the 13 year old and she has custody of the 8 year old because he doesn't understand yet.. 3 or 4 more year and he will. 

My son loves his mother but she pretty much cut him out of of gilt and shame. She doesn't call him or talk to him. The only time they talk is when she takes them to school and picks them up. In 3 days that will end so I will like to see what happens next.

My youngest, though I am suppose to see him every other weekend at this time I have him 5 days a week and my STBXW has him on Mondays and Tuesdays. 

I've taken my oldest to therapy once. I should definitely take him some more and intend to. I need some myself as I stopped months ago and ended up exploding on my kids about their mother. First time I ever bad mouthed her. But in the end I apologized and explained that I missed her as well and I am hurt and angry because of what she did. It's just hard to make 19 years go away over night or 6 months. Nonetheless I restarted this Wednesday with a new therapist. If he is good then I will bring my son.

But regardless my oldest wants nothing to do with this Other Man. He dislikes him and believes that both his mother and him had a hand in breaking up our marriage. He understands as I explained to him mom could have said no at any time. But he also knows he the Other Man could have walked away as well and not helped his mother out. She should have made the choice on her own and alone. Those were his words in a nutshell at therapy. 

My father died alone many years later as he should have. He destroyed and abandoned this family and over the years I have come to discover he left another family he had for my mother. Was my mother the Other Woman ? I have NO CLUE.. I am sure my mother will never tell me. So he was a 2 time looser and karma got its revenge on him.

Unfortunately my STBXW wants to bury her head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening in hopes it will fix itself. But its not and will only get worse for her. You would think the Other man would have some common sense or his sisters that have kids. Basically someone to say " Hey you need to take care of your kids". Again sadly I think they are happy she is not with the kids. OM has never been married or had kids so he doesn't want my kids. 

I've been fortunate to have good friends that have told me never to bad mouth my wife to the kids. I never did, except saturday.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

jay_gatsby said:


> I think the better question would be, what do you tell them? I believe there is great debate in the world of counseling over what should be told and how much.


At this point good or bad my kids know everything. They knew everything from my STBXW end during the Affair. I did tell them that this wasn't the first time between me and their mother. I did tell them it was the 4th time. Yep I was wrong, but I was mad at their mom. 

I'm a bit torn on this. I feel that the kids should make their own decisions. I did when I was 12 with my dad. 

I don't think you should embellish or force your kids to stay away from a parent. But I think the TRUTH as it is known should be explained and let them decide. 

For me my simple story is this. You did nothing wrong, but I just don't love you anymore. And then the STBXW went nuts with rubbing the affair in my face up until the day she left the house to move in with the OM. 

She went around telling people *"We are having troubles so we decided to separate".* Of course she didn't tell me that part. 

So when people commented to me that line, I just said if you mean by "Having troubles" that she had an affair and fvcked someone else and then left me for that man. Then yes we were having troubles. 

But if you mean we were having troubles like I knew, then no.. because I thought things were great. At least nothing like this.

The Wayward is always gonna be on the short end of the stick in this situation and honestly they should be.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h told our child together at 14-15 years old that he likes to cheat on other women. He told my 14-15 year old that he had 3 affairs on his current wife(which in reality it was more). I was not happy at all and I told him not to tell children adult business. It was a huge mess to say the least. 

I never told our child together that he cheated on me with several women. It's not something they should know at this young of age. Once they reach adulthood and have a better understanding of what's going on is a better time to let them know, if at all.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My children all know. They were 9, 11, and 12 when they learned. They learned we were getting a Divorce from their mom. She told them without me being around. She did not have the decency to do it with me. She wanted to control the situation and I refused to let it happen.

Over the course of her actions and things she did woefully wrong, I told my boys one by one. I was taking the boys somewhere and was next door drinking beer with the OM outside in plain view of my kids... Anger took over and I told one... things like that.

I told my children. Their childhood innocence was ruined by the divorce. The loss of family etc... I believe my actions had a lot to do with helping them.

I made them a big focus in my life and I helped them through it. We watched Courageous and Fireproof together and every day and every night I talked to them about the important things in life. I talked to them about integrity, and honor, and loving their brothers and what that means. I taught them to be strong and lean on one another.

I took them to counseling. I sat outside and let them vent. It was helpful, very helpful for them just to vent and talk.

I thought I was done crying with the crap in my divorce until, my gf who loves my kids saw how upset one was just hugged him and let him hang out with her that day while I took the others to their games. She hugs my kids more than their own mother does.

Today, my two oldest don't go to their mom's unless it's a special reason. My youngest is split 50-50. I wouldn't doubt if I won't have all 3 next year. I moved about 15 miles from where I was not to interrupt the family to much. It sucks. The kids had to move out of the only home they knew.

I made sure that they know that I am there for them. I will do anything for them and if something is beyond my control why. My kids are turning out fairly well. Last year was rough. I believe in honesty. They will figure it all out eventually. Them getting it all out on the table and dealing with it now has been pretty good.

I've told them they cannot help what other people choose. They can only choose how they want to act. They have been making good progress so I am happy. Counseling was good. It was short lived but good.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Both of my kids(11 and 12 year old girls) know and have known since they were 10 and 11. They both hate the OM (as they have me them and could see the "connection Mommy had with the other guys", their words and not mine). Of course it is hard to not hide it when she was caught in the act by one of the girls (the youngest told me she hated the guy and that Mommy spent too much time with him, I never knew as they never said an anything until after D-Day, and that she had seen Mommy with him when she came downstairs. We both know what she meant as, they were only down there doing one thing, but neither of us are pushing it and asking details (which leads the WS to say she didn't see it or know what was going on, even though our kids took health and are very bright, more of her denial of it all).

I hate her for ruining their childhood this way and destroying our family and am doing my best to try and restore something to their childhood, even though I am fighting a losing cause it seems.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> My children all know. They were 9, 11, and 12 when they learned. They learned we were getting a Divorce from their mom. She told them without me being around. She did not have the decency to do it with me. She wanted to control the situation and I refused to let it happen.
> 
> Over the course of her actions and things she did woefully wrong, I told my boys one by one. I was taking the boys somewhere and was next door drinking beer with the OM outside in plain view of my kids... Anger took over and I told one... things like that.
> 
> ...


Good one..

That is one thing I tell my boys, Truth, honestly, morality.. 

I do tell them out of anger that this Other man can teach them NOTHING. He knows nothing of of Truth or honesty or morality. How could he when he has none. 

I think even my STBXW was shocked when I told her he was arrested before. Granted its NOT the point that he was arrested, just that this whole affair is based on one big lie..

I did tell my kids as well, what can your mother and this man tell people when they say " Oh, how did you guys meet ?" 

Does she say "Oh this is the man I had an affair with and left my husband and kids for."

I don't know about anyone here. But I personally would have issues with a couple like this. I wouldn't trust the man around my wife or GF knowing he has no boundaries and everyone is open game and I would imagine a woman would be worried about my STBXW knowing she has no issues sneaking around.

Again I know I am wrong on several levels. But to me it is HER SHAME.. Not mine.. My boys need to know that doing this is WRONG.. You don't destroy another human being like this. It is not fair to that person. 

And IF you decide to end a relationship, then you end it before moving on with someone else.. You end it and then find someone not the other way around.

I have used the lies my wife has said and got caught by her own kids as life lessons. I showed them that EVERYONE is responsible for their actions even parents...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

H2H, I'm in the kitchen working on a project and I read your post to my two oldest. I let them know that their story is very similar to others. They are doing all right. Yes they had their childhood ripped away from them and for that, my EX is at fault. I cannot 'undo' it.

However, we spend a lot of quality time together and they are becoming responsible young men that I do appreciate. Just being there for them is huge. I do not shy away from being brutally honest with them when they ask a question. My EX will say... 'It's adult reasons'. 

If screwing the next door neighbor is an adult thing well then I don't want my kids to grow up to be adults. Let them be men.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

I am so very torn between sitting my son down and telling him vaguely that mum and dad just grew apart (that will be his dad's likely bullsh!t to so-called 'protect' the boy -his favourite phrase) ... Or do I tell him that mummy loves dad very much but dad loves someone else now ... And that leaves mummy with no choice but to seek an end to this marriage because mummy believes that a M is strictly between one man and one woman only ...

My IC recommended that the ideal scenario is for both parents to break the news to the child together. I don't see us being able to do that. As it is, I already chickened out of an opportunity to speak to my son after his exams and during the midterm break.

I am pulling myself together for my next target of the start of his summer hols. That will, in my mind, gives him ample time to 'recover' before the start of the new school year.

In the meantime, I am still waiting for my coward of a STBXH to respond to my lawyers' communique


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Good topic, one I struggle with a bit. My D16 knows, my S12 does not. I found out 4 years ago when D was 12, S was 8. Four months later wife tried to kill herself (alcoholic at the time).

My D and I talked openly about it. She saw the ambulance carry mom out the door, my S did not see it, I had him taken to the neighbor so he wouldn't freak out.

Wife was in rehab for 3 months, told kids she was getting help at the Dr. When she got out we were seperated for 3 months while I tried to figure out if I wanted her back.

Took her back, still together. She'll be four years sober in Sept.

I talk openly with my D about all of it. It was her best friends dad, my best friend too. It ripped apart our social circle so it couldn't be avoided.

Plenty of evidence that alcoholism is hereditary so we talk openly about it with the kids and the side effects on family/friends. 

One day I will talk to my S about all of it, or my wife. I won't hide it from him and it won't be done out of spite to my wife. It will be done to educate that selfish decisions like that have long lasting effects. I still have MM about the whole thing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't briefly think about it and how she betrayed me. The pain from those memories is less but it is still there.

Nothing good comes from hiding the truth. Kids should know so they can have healthy relationships in their life. If you hide something like an EA then you set them up for causing, or receiving pain down the road.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Overthemoon88 said:


> I am so very torn between sitting my son down and telling him vaguely that mum and dad just grew apart (that will be his dad's likely bullsh!t to so-called 'protect' the boy -his favourite phrase) ... Or do I tell him that mummy loves dad very much but dad loves someone else now ... And that leaves mummy with no choice but to seek an end to this marriage because mummy believes that a M is strictly between one man and one woman only ...
> 
> My IC recommended that the ideal scenario is for both parents to break the news to the child together. I don't see us being able to do that. As it is, I already chickened out of an opportunity to speak to my son after his exams and during the midterm break.
> 
> ...


Not a fan of the we grew apart thing... I owned my faults my EX said I had but I also said when you marry someone and you promise to honor and obey them, be there for each other etc...
Well that just meant something to me. I was honest and my boys saw me try to be a good dad and husband and to have tons of crap thrown in my face. My kids made their decisions about their mother.

I did not decide to step out of the marriage. I did not decide to make it unaffordable to not be able to live in the only house they have known. I did not decide to make it so I don't know if I can afford college for them. Those selfish decisions were hers. The point is, the cheaters don't care and your H is not concerned about your son, he is concerned with how he looks to others because he should be shamed for his behavior. Don't be guilted into not being honest.

IC always say well the best thing to do is blah blah blah.... It is not Leave it to Beaver. Of course the best thing to do is have a loving mother and father and all be happy together. Kids will get it sooner or later. It is up to you when and how to tell him but I would be honest. He might have to own his father's genes but he does not own his father's decisions. Those are his.


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## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

My two daughters know nothing about the betrayal.
They are now 19 and 21, still living at home, doing post secondary education.

This topic has come up in the past while. Its not my place to tell them as the betrayed person, (maybe it is) I think my wife, who cheated should do it.
Its a tough topic, they obviously know something is up, they see more than we realize.
I approached the wife about this a few weeks ago, and her exact words were "none of their business" that caught me off guard. Its the secrecy of it all, thats also very painfull. 
I am not the type to rub her nose in it, but come on these are our children.
It will all come out in the wash eventualy.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Yes, the first time she cheated and sent pic's I blew up on her and the kids overheard what she did. The cheating doesn't effect them as much as her drinking. They hate the way she gets when she drinks.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> My daughter knows. I am not aware if my son knows. I know we have not told him but my wife did tell my daughter.


How did your daughter react?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

My mother told me and my sister separately when we were young, and I'm extremely grateful that she did (although from what my sister told me my Mom didn't inform her in the best way that she could have, she was calm when she told me and pissed when she told my younger sister). My younger brother has no idea any of this was going on for years and as recently as a couple of years ago. 

I would have been extremely pissed to have been kept in the dark about all of this but at the same time I do think it's best that my youngest brother has been kept in the dark, to the best of my knowledge anyway. So idk I think it just depends on a case by case basis. But I don't particularly think keeping kids in the dark, especially if they're teenagers and older, is necessarily doing them any favors. But that's just me. And my Dad has no idea me and my sister know about him till this day, and I just turned 29 a couple of days ago.


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## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

I wish some days my girls did know, but then again maybe not.
I think its due to the wife not wanting them to know, then she would have to put up with the consequences of her actions.
I feel like I am protecting her from this hurt, and wonder why.
She needs to expose this to our children, not out of malice but just to come clean.

Craig


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Our daughter knows. I told her what I did on D-day, she was 11. We didn't hide anything from her, she got to witness the whole ugly truth. We have always talked to her about everything, explained things. We never stopped communicating with her. At about the same time hubby lost his business and our lender filed for foreclosure. We told her, what it would mean and what we were going to do next and why.

She saw our marriage falling apart but she also saw us trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. She learned about lying and the consequences. 

She's 16 now. She doesn't drink, smoke, sleep around or do drugs, no partying either. This summer she was accepted in a college program to finish High School and take college classes at the same time. She worked hard to get in and we are extremely proud of her.

My hope is that one day she can look back and say she learned something from what I did.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Yes, they know. I am not their natural mother and they have all had different reactions (eldest step-daughter has a child that is best friends with POSOW's daughter, and was knee-deep in the middle of it herself-long story with threadjack potential)

I will tell you my own history of a child who has had to deal with the knowledge of an unfaithful parent.

When I was sixteen, my father had an affair. I knew something was bothering my mom but didn't know what it was. I found out because some of my friends told me. The legal drinking age back then was 18 and I had friends old enough to go clubbing, and they saw my dad with his AP and came to me with it (they all loved my mom, too). I talked to her about it and she confirmed it. I confronted my dad, and he denied everything. We had always been close, until that day. I hated my dad until the day he died. I believed when he was diagnosed with Parkinsonism and lived longer than the average Parkinson's patient that he was living his Karma. I watched the most intelligent man I ever knew drool and stutter, the guy who could beat up your dad lose the ability to hold his own coffee cup, the man who taught me to drive get brought home by the police because he ran away from home on the tractor because all the car keys were hidden and he didn't know who he was when they pulled him over. And I still hated him. I hated him for doing to my mother for the same thing I'm now trying to forgive my husband for. 

That's the hardest thing for me, although, according to my mom, Dad was never remorseful, and she only recently told me he was a serial cheater. She sees a difference between my WH and my dad, and wishes Dad had done the things J is doing to make it right.

If my dad had come clean and admitted the truth and talked to me, maybe I could have come to terms with what I knew at the time. It's the same thing, really. It's about lies. I knew the truth and had proof, but my belief in the first man I ever loved was ruined. Did I still call him if I had car trouble? Sure. When he asked me years later what ever happened to our relationship because I was such a Daddy's girl and I told him...still denied. I didn't cry when he died here at the hospital where I work. I just nodded to the nurse when it was over, and comforted my mother, who loved him till his last breath.

If your kids know, it's going to be a tough road either way, but if WS isn't truthful, it's going to be worse.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

calmwinds that was a very sad story. 
Wish you continued healing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Double posted


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