# Wanting to feel looked after



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Need some friendly advice guys...

I am a stay at home mum of four young children (the oldest is 7, the youngest is 4 months, the older two are at school.) OH works full-time, he has early starts every day, works a physical job and is gone before we get up.

When we had our first baby (my third, the older two are from a previous relationship), he was smitten. He really came into his own as a dad once baby wasn't so dependent on me for feeding and as a supportive partner, he was great when I was feeling particularly tired, picked up the slack, and really does his share of parenting.

Now we have this baby... I'm knackered. I am so tired. I'm not going to apologise for indulging feeling sorry for myself, because I seem to be the only person who realises just how tired I am!

OH was ill just before Christmas which involved a hospital stay for a few days. I must admit to feeling slightly daunted looking after all four kids with no help but I managed it. The nice thing was that OH told me after that he really thought I was amazing for marching on through it- obviously I just did it because I had to but it is nice to hear you're appreciated.

Cue to last night. OH falls ill again. I arrange for him to be taken to hospital. Baby wakes up as he's leaving, and decides last night would be the night he would wake up every hour. OH arrives back after being treated about 4am, is rough as hell and has slept pretty much solidly since. I had to get up with the kids early and have taken care of them all day on my own. I am here now and feeling so tired- the older two are now at my parents on a sleepover, the younger two are in bed (for now) and I'm looking round thinking, who's looking after me? I feel so angry but I know it's not OH's fault, I just don't know who I'm angry at.

I know I *was* angry at OH. He seems to not appreciate how tired (how much MORE tired) I am this time around. It's like because he doesn't SEE the night feeds, he almost thinks they don't happen. Baby is four months and waking at least three times a night for an hour at a go. I feel I spend all my time looking after everyone else, and right now I feel dread when it comes to the evenings because of wondering how the night will go. I don't NEED his words of appreciation, but it certainly would be nice sometimes- the only time he will say anything about how hard I am working to get everything done is when he's had beers, and then I'm a "diamond", I'm "golden", "brilliant", "magic" - and that's only ever when baby has just woken up and he can then roll over and go to sleep!

When I've mentioned it, he just says I'm feeling sorry for myself. He says he works hard too- he does. I tell him all the time I appreciate what he does. He openly admits he couldn't do what I do every day yet conversely doesn't seem to appreciate how I am feeling.

When I am feeling bad that he doesn't appreciate it, I tell him I'm going to not do everything I do one day then when he gets home from work he will see just what it is I DO do. He just laughs. He says I don't HAVE to breastfeed baby and then he could take over a little.

I suppose I'm wondering... Am I wrong to hope he might run me a bubble bath and insist I get in after the kids have gone to bed? Am I wrong to just for once, want him to insist I must go and meet my friends for coffee on Saturday whilst he takes over at home for a couple of hours? Don't get me wrong, I do try and do these anyway when the opportunity arises, I'm not a martyr and I don't expect him to organise my life. I guess it would be nice to know he just SEES it, just to feel like someone is looking after me for once.

Sorry for the ramble, it's turned into quite an essay


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If he has never been the guy to draw you a bath, or take the kids and tell you to go do your thing, then you can only be disappointed by those expectations.

Convey to him, in conversation, or write on an index card and give it to him saying, "If you love me, you will do one of these things for me within the next 7 days. Should you do this, I will love you back, very, very much."

If he screws that up, well ... that's definitely on him.

But keep in mind, he thinks he IS taking care of you and the kids. His scope is different than your scope. It doesn't make him wrong, or bad, it just means that like it or not, each of you has different roles that you fill. I don't know what his medical issues were, but I can tell you were I in his shoes, I'd be very anxious about how that would impact my ability to help you, and provide for the family.

Oh and for Heaven's sake, pump and let him feed the baby once a night. Sounds like he's game.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Deejo said:


> If he has never been the guy to draw you a bath, or take the kids and tell you to go do your thing, then you can only be disappointed by those expectations.


This is true. I used these as generic examples really, of the sort of thing I would like. Really it is some kind of generous gesture I was looking for, to feel his acknowledgement.



> Convey to him, in conversation, or write on an index card and give it to him saying, "If you love me, you will do one of these things for me within the next 7 days. Should you do this, I will love you back, very, very much."
> 
> If he screws that up, well ... that's definitely on him.


Nice idea. However my prediction is that he would say something along the lines of, why, isn't everything I do already good enough for you? I will definitely think about it though.



> But keep in mind, he thinks he IS taking care of you and the kids. His scope is different than your scope. It doesn't make him wrong, or bad, it just means that like it or not, each of you has different roles that you fill. I don't know what his medical issues were, but I can tell you were I in his shoes, I'd be very anxious about how that would impact my ability to help you, and provide for the family.


Yes. We were speaking the other day about Valentine's Day, and how he doesn't believe in it, he says he already shows he cares every day anyway. Yes he does show he cares. He deals in the practical. Acts of service if you will. He goes to work. He washes up after dinner. He picks up stuff for dinner from the shop on the way home. He fetches me ice cream when I'm glued to the sofa feeding the baby. I always acknowledge these things and show my appreciation. I suppose specifically what I hanker after is some gesture that is specifically for-me-who-is-the-love-of-his-life-and-mother-of-his-children-and-is-aching-and-tired-and-will-nourish-and-nurture-me. 



> Oh and for Heaven's sake, pump and let him feed the baby once a night. Sounds like he's game.


Yeah he would be- if I were any good at pumping!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Things went a bit oddly today.

We were at my sister's house where he was doing a bit of work for them. I got him a drink from a glass off the draining board, he took a sip and pointed out something stuck to the side of the glass (like a small shred of chooped herbs.) I said I hadn't noticed that, he said you don't care about things being clean.

It was one of those comments where I couldn't tell if he was being flippant or serious, but it hit a nerve and I didn't want to react (I feel he doesn't appreciate how much I try and get done in a day) so I said, I do care about things being clean, and walked off to go and play with the baby.

He called me back, said not to go as I could chat to him whilst he worked. I turned round to him and he asked why my face was like thunder- I said the comment about me not caring whether things were clean annoyed me because I feel like I spend most of the day cleaning stuff. 

He said, ah, I know why you're angry- it's because I've been ill- you've been short ever since I got back yesterday. I responded to say I was tetchy when it got to the toddler's bedtime as he was screaming and wouldn't go to sleep but apart from that I didn't realise I had been- but tbh I'd hardly seen him since Friday night as he'd been in bed so I'm nto sure where he picked that up from.

He said, yes you have, what is it?

I explained I was just tired, so tired, and he said you're feeling sorry for yourself. So I said yes, I am, because if I don't, no one else will! He said kids don't appreciate stuff, that's what kids are like. I said I know this- I just feel like everyone near to us asks how are the kids (the kids have been ill), what are they up to, family have been fretting about OH working too hard, and being ill, but no one asks how I am, they just tell me I look tired, and I can't act like a martyr and silently get on with it. I said he didn't help matters, instead of being supportive, and just giving a quick show of appreciation now and again, I get criticised for what I HAVEN'T done rather than commenting on the positive. I mean, jeezuz, I don't do it because I want him to thank me, but I'd rather have the positive comments than the negative.

He said, well, you just have to get on with it, that's what people do. This infuriates me for some reason- I think because I feel when he says this he is somehow invalidating my feelings. I had to step out then.

We've been good since, but I still feel resentful. It's like, the more I try to get him to just empathise how tiring it must be- "wow, you must be tired with how much baby was up last night, you're managing really well", the less attention he seems to pay to it. I mean, I realise I'm going to be tired with four young children, one a baby still night waking, and a house to look after, but I'd just like a little recognition that I haven't had a full night's sleep since a month or two before baby was born and I feel rather tired, ok?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Get him an account here.

He's asking like he'd be happy if you'd treat him as another one of the children.

That is most definitely not the case.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Get him an account here.
> 
> He's asking like he'd be happy if you'd treat him as another one of the children.
> 
> That is most definitely not the case.


You know, I hadn't thought of it like that. I'm not sure it goes that far, but some of the things he's said have worried me when it comes to me returning to work. I got made redundant nearly three years ago, right before I found out I was pregnant with our first, so the choice to be a SAHM wasn't one I actively chose, it happened by default if you like.

I want to start retraining soon to do a graduate course. He seems supportive, but says things like "who's going to look after the kids?" I joke about he'll have to make his own pack up for work and do some of the housework when this happens- as for looking after the kids, I managed with my older two when I was a single parent, they went to nursery, but I get the idea he's gotten used to me being at home and likes that dynamic- whereas me, I feel I am doing something fulfilling in the sense that I can be there to take and pick up the kids from school, and be around for the younger ones before they're old enough to start school, for example, but I'm itching to get back out there. Therefore it makes no sense that he's criticising me- surely if he wanted me to continue to stay at home he'd be bigging me up wouldn't he?

He knows I come on here to read; I don't think he knows I post (I'm not sure), I do frequent other forums which he hasn't been happy about. This one, he feels like I must think there's something wrong with our relationship if I want to be reading about other people's; it's more that he's not the easiest to talk to about issues all the time and it's good to have a sounding board, we're hoping to get married later this year or next so I like the idea of working on relationship skills, if you like. I wouldn't post anything I wouldn't talk to him about (or TRY to) but I think it makes him feel insecure. He does "do" forums; just more car stuff or ones related to his hobbies, I think he'd turn his nose up at joining here tbh.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You can't fault him for not getting up with the baby when you insist on breastfeeding. Pump your breast so he can have his turn at a night feeding.

Why not ask relatives or a friend to watch the kids why you get some much needed sleep. It never hurts to ask they may just say I would love to.

You are not superwoman. Clean what you can, when baby takes a nap you take a nap. What house work doesn't get done can wait. No one dies because something didn't get cleaned that day. You are running yourself into the ground. If you get sick, then what. Take the time to make a schedule of things to do. Make room for a nap 2-3 times a week as well as eating (I bet you don't take time to eat well neither) Start giving your children chores to do.

I use to take Friday as my off day. Saturday was everybody clean up the house. H & son and I would all clean then go out, and have fun.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

4sure said:


> You can't fault him for not getting up with the baby when you insist on breastfeeding. Pump your breast so he can have his turn at a night feeding.
> 
> Why not ask relatives or a friend to watch the kids why you get some much needed sleep. It never hurts to ask they may just say I would love to.
> 
> ...


Oh I don't feel cross because he doesn't get up with the baby- I don't expect him to, no point is there? It's more that I'd just like a smidgen of understanding and a caring shoulder to lean on.

I can't take a nap when baby takes a nap because the toddler is still awake and would rampage around the house

I feel like if I'm not doing housework then he'll be asking why I haven't done whatever-it-is or will imply I'm not pulling my weight. That makes him sound like some chauvanist- he's not, in fact I've never noticed that about him. I just seem super-sensitive to the little comments at the moment. He seems to think it's so simple to get a list of stuff done just like that and can't understand why I don't sometimes.

We seem to have fallen into a strange pattern of arguing over "traditional" roles. We're both very "liberal" if you like, when it comes to who does what, and he came from a traditional perspective, but he's a contradiction- he wants me to take his surname when we get married yet he didn't want to get married after we found out we were having our first, he had various reasons he wanted to wait... I jokingly encourage him to sort out the "male" jobs around the house- he says I should learn how to do the car etc so he doesn't have to do it all the time. He wanted to take me shopping for an engagement ring this week but when he found out how much the one I wanted cost, he was complaining (it's just under two weeks' wages) that he'd have to do that but he wouldn't get anything out of it, then have to buy wedding rings after that... He was really dragging his feet, and I said no one was making him buy anything *shrugs* 

I thought a lot more but didn't say- like if he really wanted to get me a ring, he'd find a way, he wouldn't be moaning, he'd be doing it because he wanted to, for what it represents, wouldn't he? I felt like he thought it was a real chore- plus it's been in the air for ages about him getting me one, but it's because he's just done some overtime- I did say he could save up for a little longer than two weeks (how long it took him to finish the overtime) but he just said he didn't realise how much the ring I wanted cost.

I somehow feel like all this is linked in but I'm not sure how?


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