# Why does he deserve to be happy?



## Raee (3 d ago)

I met my ex husband when I was 21 I am now 35 we were together 5 years and married for 6 we have an 8 year old son together. I found out he was talking to a girl from his work via text messages very flirtatious ones. We separated.. after a year we started to flirt and go on lunch dates talked on the phone everyday were getting intimate time to time. After 2 years being seperated not divorced Dec 2021 he was pushing the issue of divorce out of no where and was telling me he wants to divorce me to re marry me again and start with getting to know me as friends again so he can fall in love with me again. Me being naive and in love with this man I believed him because we were hanging out talking as friends being intimate texting everyday and this has been going on for 2 years now. Well come Nov 2022 I went to drop my son off at my ex house (usually he picks him up from mine) because he was working that day I dropped him off with his mom and I noticed a car in the driveway one I did not recognize and I asked my son who's car was it and he said "oh that's dads friend Nancy" so I called my ex and asked who she was and he said no one and right away said "and I didn't sleep with her if that's what your thinking" after crying screaming on the phone all his lies were coming out. She was in fact the same girl he cheated on me with from work...they had been together for a year...and she lives with him. SADDEST PART my son asked me if his dad was going to be mad at me for telling me about her so my 8 yr old son felt the need to hide her from me also because he was probably confused as to why me and his dad were getting along so well hanging out what not when his dad was sleeping in a bed with another girl in the same room as my son mind you. I remember one night I called my son to say goodnight and I heard a female voice in the background and asked my son where he was at and he's was like I dunno I said who was the girl and he said I dunno so when I asked to talk to my ex I asked him why do I feel like Zack is hiding something from me and he's like I dunno I'm with my friend Miguel and his GF then the next day we both talked to my son about not lying to mom and dad etc and mom and dad have friends and that's ok (now looking back I'm like wtf) So he was having unprotected sex with me and her for a year and her whole relationship he was cheating on her with me and she STILL wants to stay with him. Now after a year he post her on social media now she's allowed to come and drop off my son (like really he hid you from me for a year) as many awful things that this man did to me put me through emotional turmoil not once but twice why does he deserve to be in a happy relationship and with her (she knew he was married) I could have had 3 years of healing but he reeled me back in and I'm pretty sure looking back at it now it was because he wanted to keep me happy while going through the divorce process. Same with filing for divorce was around the time they started dating)
I really hope I can find love and happiness this year and God allows me to heal from this quickly because right now Im full of anger towards this person and jealous she now probably gets the "better version" of him because he has a lot to make up for.

I felt maybe it would help me to type it out (vent) maybe talk with someone who's going through divorce as well


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## MIB (Dec 20, 2017)

“After 2 years being seperated not divorced Dec 2021 he was pushing the issue of divorce out of no where and was telling me he wants to divorce me to re marry me again and start with getting to know me as friends again so he can fall in love with me again.”

One of thee most convoluted ideas I have heard. How you proceeded past this is a mystery to me, but you did have a lot invested, so I‘m not criticizing. Just commenting.

Does he deserve to be happy? Not in light of the story, but that’s not how life works. He will be happy regardless. Or maybe he won’t. You can’t control that, but you CAN control your own happiness.

Start new, seek wise counsel, love you’re son, and move forward. The best revenge is living well.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He's not in a ''happy'' relationship with her, either. She'll be you, soon enough. He was cheating on her the whole time with you, and she still wants to be with him. That's a self-esteem issue on her part, not because he's so amazing.

I know this hurts, but you'll heal eventually, and you'll find a much higher quality man with integrity, etc...and you won't care anymore what your ex is doing.

It takes time, though. Not gonna lie. It takes TIME. And using the time wisely, working on making your life better, not looking at his social media, etc. It will be hard because you''ll have to find a way to coparent. But there will be better days ahead, and honestly...you will have your own life, free of his drama, etc...and you'll be so much better off.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

His new one is stupid. She is the loser and he is a loser for having such a loser girlfriend!
Destiny did you a favour. You know now.
Get out and get yourself a better man!

They are not going to be happy. Most likely both cheat on each other. They already have proven to be liers.

How to handle the situation with your son, I have no clue. But maybe you should get the rest of the family involved to talk to him that ge crossed a line he shouldn't about the kid too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Raee said:


> I met my ex husband when I was 21 I am now 35 we were together 5 years and married for 6 we have an 8 year old son together. I found out he was talking to a girl from his work via text messages very flirtatious ones. We separated.. after a year we started to flirt and go on lunch dates talked on the phone everyday were getting intimate time to time. After 2 years being seperated not divorced Dec 2021 he was pushing the issue of divorce out of no where and was telling me he wants to divorce me to re marry me again and start with getting to know me as friends again so he can fall in love with me again. Me being naive and in love with this man I believed him because we were hanging out talking as friends being intimate texting everyday and this has been going on for 2 years now. Well come Nov 2022 I went to drop my son off at my ex house (usually he picks him up from mine) because he was working that day I dropped him off with his mom and I noticed a car in the driveway one I did not recognize and I asked my son who's car was it and he said "oh that's dads friend Nancy" so I called my ex and asked who she was and he said no one and right away said "and I didn't sleep with her if that's what your thinking" after crying screaming on the phone all his lies were coming out. She was in fact the same girl he cheated on me with from work...they had been together for a year...and she lives with him. SADDEST PART my son asked me if his dad was going to be mad at me for telling me about her so my 8 yr old son felt the need to hide her from me also because he was probably confused as to why me and his dad were getting along so well hanging out what not when his dad was sleeping in a bed with another girl in the same room as my son mind you. I remember one night I called my son to say goodnight and I heard a female voice in the background and asked my son where he was at and he's was like I dunno I said who was the girl and he said I dunno so when I asked to talk to my ex I asked him why do I feel like Zack is hiding something from me and he's like I dunno I'm with my friend Miguel and his GF then the next day we both talked to my son about not lying to mom and dad etc and mom and dad have friends and that's ok (now looking back I'm like wtf) So he was having unprotected sex with me and her for a year and her whole relationship he was cheating on her with me and she STILL wants to stay with him. Now after a year he post her on social media now she's allowed to come and drop off my son (like really he hid you from me for a year) as many awful things that this man did to me put me through emotional turmoil not once but twice why does he deserve to be in a happy relationship and with her (she knew he was married) I could have had 3 years of healing but he reeled me back in and I'm pretty sure looking back at it now it was because he wanted to keep me happy while going through the divorce process. Same with filing for divorce was around the time they started dating)
> I really hope I can find love and happiness this year and God allows me to heal from this quickly because right now Im full of anger towards this person and jealous she now probably gets the "better version" of him because he has a lot to make up for.
> 
> I felt maybe it would help me to type it out (vent) maybe talk with someone who's going through divorce as well


There's honestly no telling how many women he's screwing around with. It's unfortunate you have a child together and can't get him completely out of your life but you can certainly limit your contact with him to child exchanges.


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## Raee (3 d ago)

MIB said:


> “After 2 years being seperated not divorced Dec 2021 he was pushing the issue of divorce out of no where and was telling me he wants to divorce me to re marry me again and start with getting to know me as friends again so he can fall in love with me again.”
> 
> One of thee most convoluted ideas I have heard. How you proceeded past this is a mystery to me, but you did have a lot invested, so I‘m not criticizing. Just commenting.
> 
> ...


He said his parents were pushing him to file for divorce now I know why because it was wrong still being married to me and starting a new relationship with her.


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## Raee (3 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> He's not in a ''happy'' relationship with her, either. She'll be you, soon enough. He was cheating on her the whole time with you, and she still wants to be with him. That's a self-esteem issue on her part, not because he's so amazing.
> 
> I know this hurts, but you'll heal eventually, and you'll find a much higher quality man with integrity, etc...and you won't care anymore what your ex is doing.
> 
> It takes time, though. Not gonna lie. It takes TIME. And using the time wisely, working on making your life better, not looking at his social media, etc. It will be hard because you''ll have to find a way to coparent. But there will be better days ahead, and honestly...you will have your own life, free of his drama, etc...and you'll be so much better off.


supposedly he told her everything but I know he probably didn't


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Raee said:


> supposedly he told her everything but I know he probably didn't


He's a liar. It's really hard where you are with it all right now, so you'll have to go through this analysis phase, questioning if she's better than you, etc...that's totally normal, by the way. When we've been betrayed, whether it's in a marriage or in a relationship in general, it's normal to question that. To think it was you, but it wasn't. 

And, I wouldn't doubt if he's got other women in the wings...guys like him are always juggling women. Always talking to a bunch of women, in case the current gf/wife starts to wake up to their games, then they can move on effortlessly.

When you're in it, and just breaking up, it's so hard to see your way out of it. But, you will eventually. I feel for your son that he is caught in the middle of his dad's games.


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## Raee (3 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> He's a liar. It's really hard where you are with it all right now, so you'll have to go through this analysis phase, questioning if she's better than you, etc...that's totally normal, by the way. When we've been betrayed, whether it's in a marriage or in a relationship in general, it's normal to question that. To think it was you, but it wasn't.
> 
> And, I wouldn't doubt if he's got other women in the wings...guys like him are always juggling women. Always talking to a bunch of women, in case the current gf/wife starts to wake up to their games, then they can move on effortlessly.
> 
> When you're in it, and just breaking up, it's so hard to see your way out of it. But, you will eventually. I feel for your son that he is caught in the middle of his dad's games.


I do find myself comparing myself to her a lot like what's so special about her she willingly broke up a marraige tells you a lot about the person.
I do feel for my son because before all this we were co parenting VERY WELL obviously... now things drastically changed after I found out about her and he's 8 he knows especially because my ex supposedly told my son he did something to hurt mom and it wasn't ok and when I ask my son questions about her like is she nice etc he doesn't open up to me probably because he's afraid his dad will be upset.


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## Raee (3 d ago)

Raee said:


> I do find myself comparing myself to her a lot like what's so special about her she willingly broke up a marraige tells you a lot about the person.
> I do feel for my son because before all this we were co parenting VERY WELL obviously... now things drastically changed after I found out about her and he's 8 he knows especially because my ex supposedly told my son he did something to hurt mom and it wasn't ok and when I ask my son questions about her like is she nice etc he doesn't open up to me probably because he's afraid his dad will be upset.


I honestly feel like he took my right as a parent to know who's around and or living with my son too for a whole year what if my son didn't like her what is she mistreated my son and my son never told me because he felt the need to hide her from me because dad was going to get mad


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

What happens in life rarely has anything to do with what one deserves. In my experience, most of the time someone's success or lack thereof is all down to chance. You can improve your chances by increasing your marketability or dating value and putting yourself in positions where you can find or interact with the kinds of people you want to date. However, whether the person you want to date is single at the same time and in the same place is just a crap shoot.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Raee said:


> I do find myself comparing myself to her a lot like what's so special about her she willingly broke up a marraige tells you a lot about the person.
> I do feel for my son because before all this we were co parenting VERY WELL obviously... now things drastically changed after I found out about her and he's 8 he knows especially because my ex supposedly told my son he did something to hurt mom and it wasn't ok and when I ask my son questions about her like is she nice etc he doesn't open up to me probably because he's afraid his dad will be upset.


Ugh, your ex sounds like a narcissist. The hallmark traits which are lying, no empathy, the sun rises and sets with him, etc...

All you can do now, is be the best mom you can be for your son, and maybe seek counseling to help you sort out the feelings with someone objective. There are some good threads on here that are recent in the ''private'' section that sound so much like yours. Posted by men and women. Dealing with terrible situations, with morally bankrupt exes. They might help you see how to navigate through your situation for now.

I'm sorry you're going through this. 🙁


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Raee said:


> I do find myself comparing myself to her a lot like what's so special about her she willingly broke up a marraige tells you a lot about the person.
> I do feel for my son because before all this we were co parenting VERY WELL obviously... now things drastically changed after I found out about her and he's 8 he knows especially because my ex supposedly told my son he did something to hurt mom and it wasn't ok and *when I ask my son questions about her like is she nice etc he doesn't open up to me probably *because he's afraid his dad will be upset.


Don't do this. He has not to 'open up to you properly'. He is not an extention of yours. 

Don't ask your son about her. He is not just scared of his dads reaction, but also yours.
Kids have instincts that tell them what parents feel in such situation and they try to protect themselves from being rejected by one or both parents.
Don't just make his father responsible for your sons conflict. 
With or without your ex husbands wrongdoing, your son would behave like this. This is how kids behave.

He feels if you are upset with his father and he know by instinct that the new woman is your competition and a threat to you. 
Therefore don't ask too many questions and espescially no questions about how he is getting along with her.
You would never ask your child how it is getting along with his granparents for example.
Therefore, asking him how he is getting along with her is already a signal to him, that you want him to take your side.
Even children do this to each other at young age, when they are jelouse of another play mate their friend has. You may remember such situations from your childhood. 
Just don't do it. 

It is also OK for your son to not disclose every single detail about what he does, likes or not etc. This is part of his emanzipation and growing up.
Don't fall into this trap of becoming a controlling mother to him.


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## Raee (3 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Ugh, your ex sounds like a narcissist. The hallmark traits which are lying, no empathy, the sun rises and sets with him, etc...
> 
> All you can do now, is be the best mom you can be for your son, and maybe seek counseling to help you sort out the feelings with someone objective. There are some good threads on here that are recent in the ''private'' section that sound so much like yours. Posted by men and women. Dealing with terrible situations, with morally bankrupt exes. They might help you see how to navigate through your situation for now.
> 
> I'm sorry you're going through this. 🙁


thanks for the support and advice I'm trying to stay positive and truly want happiness just really hard right now with feeling depressed and so much anger and hate (I don't want to feel that way it exhausting hating someone so much) I know I need to find a hobby or something just don't have the energy it feels like I'm constantly thinking about him and her then that's when I feel anxious and can't shut my brain off


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You got played and it hurts. I get it since I was married to a cheater who never wanted a divorce and so he minimized and lied about everything in order to convince me to stay with him. I look back now and wonder how I could have been that naive. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself. It took awhile but I did and (if you haven’t) so will you. I wish you the best.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

Raee said:


> because he wanted to keep me happy while going through the divorce process


This is odd. I'm not sure where you live, but in many US states there is a required period of separation before getting a divorce, and sexual contact would restart that. So he may have messed it up for himself, or made it take longer, and he may have to file all over again. Talk to your lawyer about this.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

elliblue said:


> You would never ask your child how it is getting along with his granparents for example


So I agree, she shouldn't ask her kid details about the dad's girlfriend or make the kid feel like he has to take sides. That said, it's still a good idea to check that he's being treated properly and feels safe.

But I'm confused, why wouldn't you ask your kid how he's getting along with his grandparents?


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## Raee (3 d ago)

Firecat said:


> So I agree, she shouldn't ask her kid details about the dad's girlfriend or make the kid feel like he has to take sides. That said, it's still a good idea to check that he's being treated properly and feels safe.
> 
> But I'm confused, why wouldn't you ask your kid how he's getting along with his grandparents?


my exes parents are like angels he loves them and is very close to my exes mom


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## Raee (3 d ago)

Firecat said:


> This is odd. I'm not sure where you live, but in many US states there is a required period of separation before getting a divorce, and sexual contact would restart that. So he may have messed it up for himself, or made it take longer, and he may have to file all over again. Talk to your lawyer about this.


ill have to ask about that


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