# is he a sex addict?



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I have posted on the ladies forum before, and now have to ask the guys for some advice. My H and I have been together for almost 10 years. In January he told me that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Then a couple weeks ago I found he had an affair. He claimed it had ended after the therapy weekend we went on, but then I found out it hadn't. He moved out over a week ago, and the night he left he went to her. He says he hasn't been with her since then, but they still talk. We have talked and talked about what is going on with him, but he keeps saying he doesn't know. He doesn't want a divorce but doesn't know if he's ever coming home. He says he can't say for sure that he won't stray again. Not to mention that he still says he's not in love with me anymore.

Now for the kicker. He has always been a very sexual person, more so than most. He masturbates at least once a day, even if we have sex that day. He logs many hours on porn sites. He claims that he "needs" more than just me to keep him satisfied. He has agreed to go to therapy, but won't admit that he might have a problem. I am really beginning to believe that his desires have taken over him, and he turned his back on me and our marriage so that he can indulge them. 

I don't know what to do. We have 2 beautiful children and he is the love of my life. Is it too late to fix this? Should I even try when he's not sure he wants to? What kind of man thinks that getting some strange is more important than his wife and family?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

What is your current sex life like? Details?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Up until this year it was ok, 2-3x a week. We watched porn together, role played, sexy outfits, etc. It got difficult with 2 small children and I began suffering from severe depression, which hurt my libido. I tried to talk about these things with him but he refused. Over the last year our sex life did fall in a rut, but everything else was good. Or so I thought. Since all this has started, about mid January, it has actually ramped up. We've had a couple very racy weekends, plus have become more active since I began therapy and anti depressants. But his heart's not in it, it's become just sex for him.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I happen to be a woman and hearing your story for the first time. Here is what I think (if you don't mind). Your husband is trying to be as honest with you as he can. He has told you out right that he is not in love with you anymore and I can't comprehend how painful this has been for you. He has had an affair and moved out!!!! He can't expect you to just wait for him while he figures out what he really wants. I would tell him if he is not willing to want to work out this problem and go to therapy together it leaves you no choice but to ask for a divorce. Give him some time if he is willing to go to therapy either alone or with you otherwise cut the cord. 

Men move out when they want out. I am sorry for your loss.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Amanda, he did say he will go to therapy, at first by himself. I mention divorce and he freaks out, we had lunch today and I was talking about trying to find an apartment for me and the kids when our lease is up in October and he said it was too early for that kind of thing and maybe things would be better by then. Our anniversay is June 25th, so I have decided that if there is no real progress by then I will ask for a divorce. I might let go before then, I don't know. He just seems so lost and confused when we talk so I'm hoping therapy will help. I'm just a sucker I guess, all my friends and family think so. Even his friends don't know what is wrong with him and think he's an idiot for giving me up. I am hoping he'll realize that soon.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Lay down the law! He gets " X" number of weeks in therapy by himself and then you need an answer. Do not sleep with him. He is playing you. Have him followed I'd bet he is sleeping around but doesn't know how to let go of you. This happened to a friend...it was not good. These men get so confused but have a hard time letting the wife go...be careful he is not to be trusted at this stage.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I see this differently. Yes it is awfully painful and can understand your hurt and confusion. I also see a man who is trying to tell you (and has told you in some ways) that he has a large sexual appetite. What libido you had went down more when you were depressed (you stated), so his already higher need felt even more intense. 2 things can happen here to stay together:

1) you find some way to increase your sexuality to met his needs

2) you allow him to find and have a safe partner with whom he can meet those needs that you cannot/will not.

Otherwise you will have resentment and his "loss of love" will continue. Its not that he really doesnt love you anymore, its that he is harboring resentment and disappointment so great it feels like a loss of love. If he has found this other woman intriguing and meeting his needs, he believes he loves her... its the sex talking more than likely than love. If he didnt love you he wouldnt have any issue with divorce... in fact he would have shown himself out the door!

Im not saying its your fault, but you are the one who changed when you became depressed. You said so here that your sex drive went down, and Im taking it as it is written. So please choose, because you are indeed the one who put the kink in the sexual arrnagement in your marriage.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

HEEEELLLLOOOO he IS out the Door! oh I get it lure him back with more sex or get him a third party??????????what planet are you on????


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Toolate, while I think you are completely out of your mind, I must point out that while my libido did suffer, he was still getting it 2-3x a week, plus morning things. There is nothing that I haven't done for him in that arena, except let him be with another woman. If that's what it takes to keep him, then he can just go. And try to explain it to our kids when they get older.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

cantletgo said:


> ... There is nothing that I haven't done for him in that arena, except let him be with another woman. If that's what it takes to keep him, then he can just go.


Well spoken! I think by you setting a time and such you are making a good statement . I think Amanda gave good advice with this as well "Lay down the law! He gets " X" number of weeks in therapy by himself and then you need an answer. Do not sleep with him."

I wish you luck!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Stand up for yourself...that a girl!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Yeah Amanda, I'm really strong when he's not around. Then I see him and all I see is the man I fell in love with, the one who used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, the one who was always there for me, no matter what, and always made me feel better. I just can't see him as what he has become, and it hurts so much. Now today he sends me a text asking me to lunch "because he won't be able to come by the house tonight". Like he can't go one day without seeing me. I am soooo confused, and he's not helping anything. Anytime I try to discuss plans for my future without him he says it's not time for that yet. I think in his heart he wants to come back and fix it, but he's still confused about his out of control desires. I know that I am being a fool and should just file for divorce, but I can't. Me and my children need him, my 4 year old son says daddy is mean cuz he left, and he sees the hurt on my face. My 5 yr old daughter is worried about me she said. God how that hurt. I think I'm doing pretty good keeping it together, but they know that I am not myself and that I am hurting.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am sorry darling I am not in a good place either. I just got home from being with my girlfriends and it is 10 o'clock and he just came in. I don't trust my husband either....so sad


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Amanda, I just read some of your posts. The only thing I can tell you is that yes, it can happen and the man not be gay. My husband "experimented" a long time ago, before I knew him, but that's all it was. He is not sexually attracted to men, but he is extremely sexual, so pretty much nothing is off limits for him. It's entirely possible that your H was simply curious, and now it's over. But it's something you both need to work through. 

Thanks for your posts. I am here if you want to talk more about the bi curious stuff. As far as my H, I guess I'm just trying to decide if I should wait, stand by my man and help him through whatever he's dealing with, or file for divorce. I don't know what to do right now.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Well we all come from different backgrounds and life experiences yet we try to help eachother on these forums. I personally don't have another outlet because of the bisexual/homosexual shame factor regarding my husband. I can't talk to girlfriends or my sisters because of the subject matter. I have been married to this man for 25 years and have been with him for 30. We have had many trying and good times and two beautiful children. When you are hit with these "atom bombs" it is such a shock to the system. So I may say I know about marriage and the trials and tribulations from unemployment, verbal abuse, death of parents,depression, illness, family alcohol issues, physical and emotional infidelity,teenagers and all the wonderous adventures they go through, and now this, but then there is the homes we have and the work we have done to accomplish a future together, the success of our children who are just about to fly on their own, the wonderful sex I have with my husband, I can't leave. There have been many many beautiful times. My husband says he still wants me and only me and I know I want no one else. It takes two. There have been many times when I have thought we were going to take different forks in the road, but somehow we are still on the same road. It all comes to choices and whether you both want it. It is WORK and it takes two.
As for your story I can only relay from my personal experiences as everyone else on this forum but collectively there is alot of experience here. Marriage can be VERY trying,but from my experience when it gets really bad and the two of you can't get to the point that you realize and desire marriage therapy, one party has already walked out and shut the other party out. Your husband is out of the house and has told you he doesn't know what he wants but he is not ready for divorce correct? So he is in a state of confusion.... away from you but doesn't want you to go. He needs to figure out WHAT HE WANTS. I would really encourage him to get professional help and give you an answer ASAP. He should not be able to torture you like this. Give him instructions as to what you need him to do..."X" amount of time in therapy and then he either stays and is willing to work through this or he goes. It is black and white... no grey areas. You want me or you don't! I also think of a friend who went through a similar experience. Her h was going through mid-life and decided he needed to move out. Later it all came out he became a sex crazed man sleeping with alot of younger woman. They are now divorced. He was a mess and my girlfriend doesn't even recognize the man she knew for 30+ years anymore. It is almost like a mental illness where the person snaps and changes into something else. Very painful story.She had supported him through many things...illness,unemployment,gave him sex daily but it was not enough. In the end it is all about them and their egos really. But when it turns out this way it is a blessing when you know where you stand, painful but a relief in the end, and then one can move on. Don't let your husband do this to you. Give him some time and guide him to therapy and then you will have your answer because... darling you deserve one. Hang in there.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks girl. I hope that you and your H can work through your issues. I don't know what to do with mine. He's confused, I'm confused. It seems to me that he just wants to have his cake and eat it too, but if he continues to play single guy, he's going to find himself single for real. 

I got the whole, "I didn't date alot, and blah blah blah" speach the other day. I was like, well, should have thought about that before. I mean really, is getting as much booty as possible that damn important? Cuz if so, see ya later. I can relate to your friend as far as everything I have done for him. I worked to support us while he went to school, I have stood by him since day one and have never betrayed him in any way. I have nursed him through many illnesses and surgeries. I did 90% of the house work and taking care of the kids. He's always been allowed to have a couple nights a month out with his buddies. He sings in a band (just recently formed, so no real gigs yet) and I let them practice at our house, pretty much anything he has wanted to do I have helped him with. He had nothing when we met, living at home, no car, no real money. We lived in a disgusting trailer in the middle of the ghetto, seriously, actual crack *****s running around, so that he could go to school. As a matter of fact, our entire life together has been about him, which I was fine with until now. If we do get back together, I have told him, that that woman is gone, this ordeal has changed me, and I definately won't stand for it anymore. I am taking back my power.

I'll let you know if he actually goes to therapy, only giving that one another week for him to make the appointment.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

cantletgo said:


> Thanks girl. I hope that you and your H can work through your issues. I don't know what to do with mine. He's confused, I'm confused. It seems to me that he just wants to have his cake and eat it too, but if he continues to play single guy, he's going to find himself single for real.
> 
> I got the whole, "I didn't date alot, and blah blah blah" speach the other day. I was like, well, should have thought about that before. I mean really, is getting as much booty as possible that damn important? Cuz if so, see ya later. I can relate to your friend as far as everything I have done for him. I worked to support us while he went to school, I have stood by him since day one and have never betrayed him in any way. I have nursed him through many illnesses and surgeries. I did 90% of the house work and taking care of the kids. He's always been allowed to have a couple nights a month out with his buddies. He sings in a band (just recently formed, so no real gigs yet) and I let them practice at our house, pretty much anything he has wanted to do I have helped him with. He had nothing when we met, living at home, no car, no real money. We lived in a disgusting trailer in the middle of the ghetto, seriously, actual crack *****s running around, so that he could go to school. As a matter of fact, our entire life together has been about him, which I was fine with until now. If we do get back together, I have told him, that that woman is gone, this ordeal has changed me, and I definately won't stand for it anymore. I am taking back my power.
> 
> I'll let you know if he actually goes to therapy, only giving that one another week for him to make the appointment.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

redflag!!!!!!!! let me translate something for you because sometimes we don't hear properly and others can...
"I didn't date alot".....means "I want to date now". NO WAY stand up for yourself, he is looking elsewhere....give him the instructions!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

You're right Amanda, and part of me knows that. The other part of me still insists that we can work through this. We have been through so much in a relatively short time, and I just can't let go of that past "us". We were so good for each other, to each other. It's just so sad, and the only thing that is going to help me let go is time.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

"We have talked and talked about what is going on with him, but he keeps saying he doesn't know. He doesn't want a divorce but doesn't know if he's ever coming home. He says he can't say for sure that he won't stray again. Not to mention that he still says he's not in love with me anymore."

Can I ask you why you would even want a person like this back in your life? and why does he get to make this decision? Are you supposed to wait around with baited breath hoping he will pick you, his WIFE? If he does come back are you supposed to put it all behind you and hope that he never walks out on you and your children again since he can't say it won't ever happen again? 

I wouldn't give him that choice. Not for a second.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

TooLate,
"If he didnt love you he wouldnt have any issue with divorce... in fact he would have shown himself out the door!"

This has nothing to do with love and has everything to do with his cowardice. He doesn't want to have to face his children when they find out what he did to their mother, he doesn't want to face his family when they find out that he left his wife for random sex. He doesn't want to face loss of income or property/lifestyle and most importantly....he doesn't want to face his addiction. He wants his wife to stand by while he figures out his next move. She stated that he freaks out when she mentions divorce. Well of course he does. That would expose him for the coward he is. He is just hoping that she will allow him to continue to mistreat her and break her so he doesn't have to take a long hard look at himself. I wouldn't give him that choice.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

It's done, over. I told him that if he wanted to play at being single then I would make him single, took off his wedding ring, and told him as soon as I could, he'd be getting papers. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I know that it was the right thing to do for me, but it sure does feel awful. I still love him, with all my heart, and he just threw it away. I don't understand how he could do this.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

...for all it's worth I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. Another way at looking at this is, he could have stayed married to you and cheated on the side for many many years like people do. If he has a problem he has told you, so let him go...listen to Brennan, he needs to man up and move on! the choice to be single again was his when he moved out....it will be rocky but you have no other choice. respect yourself and your loving heart


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He needs to man up....but he won't. Because he isn't one. I have used the word "coward" one too many times on this forum so I will use "victim" this time. In his mind he is a victim. YOU did this to him. He has told himself time and time again that you are to blame and it's your fault. Instead of looking within and facing his unhappiness and *shock* tell you about it, a victim just runs away and hides. That way HE doesn't have to confront his addictions, his actions, his "reasons" and his failures. And now he will run to the other woman because she doesn't call him out as a victim....yet. After she does he will run and continue the same pattern. 

He will also continue the victim mentality during your divorce. YOU did this to him, you left him, you filed the paperwork, you didn't care. Woe is me. Boo f'ing hoo.

When I unfortunately have to see my best friend's now x-husband he always has the same story. She left me, she obviously didn't love me, she didn't give me time to figure everything out, my life sucks, look what she did to ME. What he should be saying is that I pissed away 15 years of marriage to a woman who truly loved me even when I didn't love myself, put her dreams on hold to make mine come true because she loved me so much, a woman who sold her dead father's business so she could fund my new business venture, a woman who is so staggeringly gorgeous that men fall over themselves trying to get another look at her, a woman that was always willing, open and honest with me. What did he give her? Incurable VD. But HE is the victim. Victim, victim, victim.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I hear you Brennan, it's just so difficult for me to see him that way. I wish like hell I could just focus on all the bad stuff, but I have loved him for so long, and so deeply, that it's just hard. Right now he is not the man I fell in love with, but I know that that man is in there somewhere. Every now and then I'll get a glimpse of him, and it tears me apart. Eventually I will get fed up, but for right now I just can't give up hope that things will change and get better. I know it's sad and pathetic, but that's how it is.


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