# I’m so confused!



## Mollyk (Jan 16, 2018)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, we have 2 small children and it’s hard to be sexual or feel sexy as a mother. Well, tonight he initiated a sext (this never happens) and I played along. One thing led to another, nothing super xrated and then he asked me to get him a topless picture of my sister. He said that I asked him for a dirty fantasy, which I didn’t! I asked for a dirty picture of HIM! Maybe he misread the text, I’m not sure. I just have no words. I’m hurt and disgusted. He’s now acting like I’m crazy for thinking that it’s disrespectful. He honestly doesn’t see the wrong in it. Where do I go from here? It’s all I can think about.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

One time while we were dating I pointed out to my wife that I had sex with her sister 20 years earlier, so now I just needed their mom to make it a Hat Trick. I have quite away with the ladies.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I see two parts to the issue.

One is you are concerned about where his mind went when he misunderstood you.

The other is how he has treated you since you told him he misunderstood you.

Perhaps it would help you deal with your feelings to think about each issue separately.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> One time while we were dating I pointed out to my wife that I had sex with her sister 20 years earlier, so now I just needed their mom to make it a Hat Trick. I have quite away with the ladies.


While this is in no way helpful to the OP, I couldn't help but laugh at that one.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Mollyk said:


> My husband and I have been together for 6 years, we have 2 small children and it’s hard to be sexual or feel sexy as a mother. Well, tonight he initiated a sext (this never happens) and I played along. One thing led to another, nothing super xrated and then he asked me to get him a topless picture of my sister. He said that I asked him for a dirty fantasy, which I didn’t! I asked for a dirty picture of HIM! Maybe he misread the text, I’m not sure. I just have no words. I’m hurt and disgusted. He’s now acting like I’m crazy for thinking that it’s disrespectful. He honestly doesn’t see the wrong in it. Where do I go from here? It’s all I can think about.


I fully understand and sympathize with your reaction. You are struggling to be sexy, he rarely initiates and then when he does, his focus is on someone else? I can't for the life of me find a way for this to be acceptable. 

I'm sorry I have no solution. If what you've told us is the whole truth and nothing but the truth, you are most definitely not crazy or unreasonable. Unfortunately, while knowing that can be reassuring, it doesn't solve your issue. Hopefully others will have more insight into that aspect of your situation than I.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is always a balance between telling someone your fantasy and keeping it secret. 

Most people who have a fantasy about someone other than their partner will keep it to themselves. OTOH, if they do say it, I think the response is a firm "no" but without implying that they are perverted for asking. 

The question is, are some things (like wanting a nude picture of your sister) so far off the curve that its OK to be upset?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Really !

Hes a skunk!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like a douche move to me. Tell me again why you want sex with an inconsiderate swine?

Call him on his ****! He needs to own it.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

has he a brother or a boss? ask him to get a d**** picture of them because you hope theirs are bigger than his'


i would love to see his face!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

SA2017 said:


> has he a brother or a boss? ask him to get a d**** picture of them because you hope theirs are bigger than his'
> 
> 
> i would love to see his face!


That actually sounds like a good idea, except... this might justify his request as much or more than it makes a point.

The OP has not returned yet.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

yeah no.


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## Mollyk (Jan 16, 2018)

What I said is exactly what happened, I have texts to prove it. He’s been talking a lot about other women lately and I’ve let him know that it bothers me. I realize that he is going to find other people attractive. It’s human nature, you just don’t have to tell me about it. I talked to him and he is totally oblivious as to why I got so upset. He said he thought it would turn me on. ( insert eye roll) He even got defensive and started asking to see my phone (I’ve been avoiding him all night) I keep zero secrets from him and any time I’m mad and avoid him he thinks I’m cheating. (His ex wife cheated) there’s so much that I could say but it would just be irrelevant. I’m just so tired of not being heard. All I ask is that he treat me the way he expects me to treat him.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You can be upset about his request, of course. That is up to you.

In the heat of confusion it is possible he was confused and got stupid. In which case a request to see your sister topless is actually to be expected from guys. Guys do things like that. From your further description it sounds like he really should have known not to.

Separating that from your husbands reaction to you telling him you thought it was inappropriate is a different issue. No matter his opinion he absolutely needs to accept your admonition and believe the validity of your upset. You are upset. He should never belittle that. If he wants to think it is not a big deal to request a topless pic of your sister, so be it. But he sure should not argue with you if you do not think it is okay.

He should accept the correction and be properly chastened. He should care about your feelings more than to argue about it.

Just as a disclaimer, asking for a topless pic of a sister is something I would think of as just a lark, and not an insult, myself. It does not seem to fit in with the text stream you describe though. 

And that does not excuse your husband's gross disregard for your feelings after the fact. That is not acceptable no matter what the opinion about the request may be.

My wife once said she felt I had made fun of her a bit too much at the bank where I had her open a new account for herself. I cannot recall what I said, something which I thought was of no consequence. She waited until we were home and it was an hour later, then she ever so timidly said something about it.

It bothered Mary, and it wasn't important to me, so I drove Mary back to the bank immediately and we went through the activity of putting money into her account again but I changed how I acted. I did it to please the woman I love. I thought her concern was silly and trivial, but that did not matter. It bothered her, and it did not hurt anything for me to correct myself. I am well more than strong enough to handle that.

Be well.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mollyk said:


> any time I’m mad and avoid him he thinks I’m cheating. (*His ex wife cheated*)


Hmm, that sounds like it might be an important piece of the puzzle.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Mollyk said:


> What I said is exactly what happened, I have texts to prove it. He’s been talking a lot about other women lately and I’ve let him know that it bothers me. I realize that he is going to find other people attractive. It’s human nature, you just don’t have to tell me about it. I talked to him and he is totally oblivious as to why I got so upset. He said he thought it would turn me on. ( insert eye roll) He even got defensive and started asking to see my phone (I’ve been avoiding him all night) I keep zero secrets from him and any time I’m mad and avoid him he thinks I’m cheating. (His ex wife cheated) there’s so much that I could say but it would just be irrelevant. I’m just so tired of not being heard. All I ask is that he treat me the way he expects me to treat him.


Sorry, your hubby kind of sounds like a douche.


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