# Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore



## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

she has not said that but told me a 4 weeks ago that she is not happy with us & feels we have been disconnected from awhile now. I was blindsided. I thought everything was fine. Now i am scrambling to fix things but her guard is is way up . Nothing i do seems to let me in. 
a little background of our relationship. We will be married 10 years in may and together for 12 years. we also have an 8 year old little girl ( she & my wife are my world) . I have to mention that 8 of the 10 years we have been married, i had been battling kidney disease . I was very sick and tired but did my best to function normally. We still had sex a couple of times a month up until last month. I received a transplant in 2008 and finally began to feel healthy again over the past 18 months. During my sickness & countless hospital stays , i did not let her in emotionally. I tried to handle everything myself and in that process that is probably when i began to lose her. I she has built up a great wall and does not need me emotionally anymore . she is really into her self now and now that i am ready to get involved again emotionally she is not letting me in. 
As she got more into herself , i became controlling and jealous. I know bad move but i could not control my emotions. Thought she was cheating but she is not. I asked once , she said no and i asked again a week later and still she said no. I looked for clues and could not find anything . the more i look , the more i realize that she has just cut me off emotionally. she sings in bands and weddings. she receives the admiration there that she did not get from me . 
I have changed for her & for me. Got my emotions in check. i am seeing a therapist for that. i was not out of shape , but joined a gym and took up a new hobby . She was happy about those things . I have become helpful around the house doing most of the daily chores or helping her with them. Almost being Mr. Mom at this point. I have told her how much i love her and support her but so far i can not break the ice. I need to get her to love me again like she used too but have no clue how to do it. I like the " no contact " program but we still live together & sleep in the same bed. I still Get kisses in the morning before i go to work and when i come home but that is about it. I know the changes look good on paper but i don't think that it's going to get her feeling sexual about me again. I am in rough spot here and i really want this to work. I don't want to come off too needy . I can tell that will not work. I tired of trolling her facebook page and hanging on every text or word she says. Then over analyzing everything . I am hurting really bad . she knows it but again still not letting me in. Everything is casual. we still do things together ..watch movies, go out to eat , ETC. but she is just going through the motions . I think her mind is made up to leave but she is still hesitant to make the move. I guess that means i still have a chance to win her back?
I could go on and on but i think i describe my situation so that you will understand. I really need some advice on how to get her back fast before i lose it all. I hope it's too late but the we are getting late in the game.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

i can understand your situation. Sorry to say but in your relationship, you are guessing too much. You doubt on your wife. This is your biggest mistake. You must know that this relationship is all about trust. The thing, you can do is to realize her that you are honest her and your bond... This is the only way that can save your relationship.....


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I congratulate you for having the diligence to make the changes you did. 

The situation you are in is not at all uncommon. Besides the help you are giving her there is a key element still missing which is the critical skill of supporting her emotional needs. The way to improve it from your side is for you acquire this skill.


In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- you need to get informed on the critical skill of supporting her emotional needs. Chances are you never received training on how a woman needs to be supported and are offering the sort of support you as a man would need. That does not translate well to most women and likely has gotten you to this situation.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Women fall out of love with their husbands between 8-10 years of marriage. It happens ALL THE TIME! I don't know why they don't touch on that somewhere before you get married.

Oh, and sorry to say, they RARELY come back. Start living your life for you and your daughter. Your wife is gone.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Soprano,
Sounds like you made some mistakes in your marriage
While it takes two to make a marriage, it also takes two to repair a marriage.

Too many say that the wounded spouse (usually the man) must change in many ways to satisfy the wife. I believe that both have to want to save the marriage.

You need to ask her this question! If she's already checked out, why keep her around as an un-supportive room-mate? Keep working on your issues either way so you can be prepared when she pulls the trigger.

You should also look at the 180. I have a feeling you're going to need it in the near future


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

she has agreed to go to a counselor with me when i am ready . I have been in therapy for 4 weeks now. I have begun to try the 180 & get my life going but it's been difficult for me. we live together and sleep in the same bed . We still sit have a dinner as a family and do everything together. I need to try the 180 but i don't want to leave the house . I really can't leave the house. My daughter would be crushed and right now we are not fighting. I need to get her to feel for me again. The Mr. Nice guy routine is not really working . I need another plan to make her want me again. I am a mess inside but she does not know how bad am yet. . I am starting to Mope a bit with depression and i know that can't be good. I was thinking of more little l love u notes and flowers but that isnt getting me anywhere.
She is totally hell bent in not needing my emotionally. i can tell. She loved me once. hopefully i can rekindle that flame . I need a plan. that is why i am here to see if others have went through what i am going through but imagine that most people that are using these forums and still having bad luck with their marrige


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

C.Soprano said:


> she has agreed to go to a counselor with me when i am ready . I have been in therapy for 4 weeks now. I have begun to try the 180 & get my life going but it's been difficult for me. we live together and sleep in the same bed . We still sit have a dinner as a family and do everything together. I need to try the 180 but i don't want to leave the house . I really can't leave the house. My daughter would be crushed and right now we are not fighting. I need to get her to feel for me again. The Mr. Nice guy routine is not really working . I need another plan to make her want me again. I am a mess inside but she does not know how bad am yet. . I am starting to Mope a bit with depression and i know that can't be good. I was thinking of more little l love u notes and flowers but that isnt getting me anywhere.
> She is totally hell bent in not needing my emotionally. i can tell. She loved me once. hopefully i can rekindle that flame . I need a plan. that is why i am here to see if others have went through what i am going through but imagine that most people that are using these forums and still having bad luck with their marrige


I think you need to sit her down and explain to her why you shut her out when you were ill. I know you were trying to spare her but I know from experience that when the person you love is sick the last thing anyone wants is to be excluded from their life. She needed you to need her at that time, she needed to care for you and you didn't let her. Now she has the mindset that you didn't need her at your weakest point...so now she can't or won't allow herself to need you. You two need to talk about this and you're going to have to listen to her anger and hurt for shutting her out. Until she gets past that I don't forsee her warming up to you. Talk to her. Humble yourself and apologise to her.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Mrs. T said:


> I think you need to sit her down and explain to her why you shut her out when you were ill. I know you were trying to spare her but I know from experience that when the person you love is sick the last thing anyone wants is to be excluded from their life. She needed you to need her at that time, she needed to care for you and you didn't let her. Now she has the mindset that you didn't need her at your weakest point...so now she can't or won't allow herself to need you. You two need to talk about this and you're going to have to listen to her anger and hurt for shutting her out. Until she gets past that I don't forsee her warming up to you. Talk to her. Humble yourself and apologise to her.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

That seems to make sense. I was very one sided with my feelings at that point in my life. I was trying to spare her the hurt I was feeling. I will try to talk....not sure if she will hear me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WithMuchRegret (Mar 5, 2012)

what is the 180? 

why do you have to leave the house? I am in the same situation as you, except its my husband feeling this way. Then it hit me on the head so hard this weekend, why should i leave? He's the one that's not happy, so i decided to stay. When i told him this, he gave a tiny smile, as if admiring my confidence in myself. I was going to leave bc i was the one willing to try to make things work. Thought he would miss me if i left, but that's a game im not willing to play. I have swallowed my pride and started to be the wife i use to be. 

Its great that your wife is willing to go to counseling, my husband won't go. Its okay, i've got to go for me. I'm realizing that i was too emotionally strained in handling my own grief of losing my best friend and my dad in one year (as you had focused on taking care of your health) that i didn't let my husband in. He probably felt that i didnt need him. So how do i save my marriage? become the person i use to be..take it real slow. Last night i shared that i should help out with the bills more. Because as i was trying to figure out how much it would cost me to get another place, i started to work the numbers and realized that my husband took care of all the bills. Out of nowhere, i said, "thank you for taking good care of me" then i waved my hand and said "goodbye" and walked out of the room, since i wanted to give him space. I got a little tiny smile again.

My counselor suggested to give him his space. did i listen? NO! don't push myself on him by doing 'nicey nice' things that i never use to do.For two weeks, i stayed home on the weekends, cleaned the house, cooked meals, initiated sex , etc. It worked a bit, but he and I knew i was trying too hard. Think he knew i was doing these things only to win him back. That is... i was doing these things 'conditionally'. 

So i realized that i need to do things for him 'unconditionally' as God does for me. Do things for her like you would for your child, unconditionally. I'm trying to do treat him like i do my children. 

Give him the space while still living together. Don't spy on him. Be confident in you. Don't rely on him for my own happiness. its ok to cry, but do it alone, not in front of her. It would make them feel guilty ,and even more burdened.

I am reading a wonderful book, called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Its helped me find my own love language and what I need. A real good book.

Good luck to you, your marriage can be saved, always have hope, and don't get discouraged when others say she is cheating, or it won't work out.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Classic Walk Away Wife. Guy is shocked to find out after everything seems just fine.

Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

C.Soprano said:


> That seems to make sense. I was very one sided with my feelings at that point in my life. I was trying to spare her the hurt I was feeling. I will try to talk....not sure if she will hear me now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You didn't realise it at the time but you caused her more hurt by pushing her away. If you have never explained to her your reasoning for doing so she is still holding hurt and resentment for it. I think if you are sincere she will listen. It may take a bit of time for her to change her feelings, you have to account for the length of time you kept your feelings to yourself. It took time for her to build up the resentment and will take time for her to get over it. Be patient but persistant.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Be careful with doing and giving her too much. Putting her up on a pedestal can backfire. One of the big errors I made was trying to make her happy and doing many things for her, I think in some cases this will actually push them further away.

It is a strange situation to be in and you will find yourself constantly taking the tempurature of their feelings at any given time to know how to react. Basically walking on egg shells, which sucks.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree with Mrs. T....Patience patience patience....be prepared and remind yourself over and over, if you want it to work, be patient!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

This is me said:


> Be careful with doing and giving her too much. Putting her up on a pedestal can backfire. One of the big errors I made was trying to make her happy and doing many things for her, I think in some cases this will actually push them further away.
> 
> It is a strange situation to be in and you will find yourself constantly taking the tempurature of their feelings at any given time to know how to react. Basically walking on egg shells, which sucks.



Yes, it is weird. Because, what my wife told me is that I haven't appreciated her, truly loved her, etc. for most of our marriage. The most natural response is to turn it on now to maximum. 

However, if she has truly checked out of the marriage, then that type of behavior may be too little, too late, and may indeed push her away faster.

It is complicated; this walking on egg shells to prevent misunderstanding, hurt, etc.. 

And I have to remind myself about patience every other minute.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your in for a long, hard ride dude. It took me a year and a half of hell to realize my wife wasn't coming back. Another year to have it not kill me going to bed beside someone every night who might as well be a million miles away. After a year of pretending to not care, it's finally starting to happen for me. Good for me, bad for my family.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

@ this is me 

I am now trying not to put her on pedestal. I put her on that pedestal for the past few weeks in thinking that would work but it' not working. I will continue to do the daily household chores that she used to do but i do need to drop it a notch. I have gone over the top with helping and doing everything . I went from doing very little with all the chores to doing everything. It's a desperate act.At first i thought she would think it was sweet but now it seems too desperate . 
another thing you hit right on the head is that i am walking on egg shells . I never know how to act around her. It's making me insane.

@Mr T & this is me - Patience . Something i am horrible with but i have no choice now and will be as patient as possible . It's hard because my emotions are running wild, but will keep patient.

@ withmuchregret- thanks for sharing and advice . I know the pain you must feel is unbearable.
My financial situation did come up recently as well. She works part time and also sings in wedding bands for some extra cash but most weeks is just about covers the cost of her work costs and after-care for our daughter. I am the one who brings in the money to pay the bills. For most of the time we have been married, i let her pay the bills but she did not do a very good job with it. We were always behind and broke. That has put a ton of stress on the marriage. I recently offered to take over the bills and told her i would fix this mess. After we sat down and she gave me all the info, a few days later she thanked me for doing this. I know i should have done it sooner but when i was sick , i had trouble focusing on tasks and keep concentration . I feel better knowing that i am now in control of the family financials. I have already begun getting us out of the hole .

thanks you everyone...Please keep sharing . this is helping me a lot! and gving me good ideas about how to handle this situation. It's has been difficult coping and not knowing how to act around her.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Well i had the opportunity to go through her cell phone about an hour ago. I wasn't planning on it but it was there . She left it home & i got home from work a little early . I was nervous doing it and afraid of what i would find but i went through every text and phone call over the last few weeks and found nothing. It's good that there is not another man ( yet) . We spent a little time together today . I showed her some jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned and we did some push ups togehter . Had a laugh..then her guard went back up again. errrrr....walking one egg shells again. We will have dinner together as a family now. Everything seems normal but it's not. Don't know what to do . I'm still trying to get her to see that i have changed..not sure if that is the right thing to do. i guess at this point it's patience patience , patience .


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

C.Soprano said:


> Well i had the opportunity to go through her cell phone about an hour ago. I wasn't planning on it but it was there . She left it home & i got home from work a little early . I was nervous doing it and afraid of what i would find but i went through every text and phone call over the last few weeks and found nothing. It's good that there is not another man ( yet) . We spent a little time together today . I showed her some jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned and we did some push ups togehter . Had a laugh..then her guard went back up again. errrrr....walking one egg shells again. We will have dinner together as a family now. Everything seems normal but it's not. Don't know what to do . I'm still trying to get her to see that i have changed..not sure if that is the right thing to do. i guess at this point it's patience patience , patience .


 Yes, patience is needed. BUT that doesn't mean you should just sit back and let it happen on its own. *You still need to* *talk to her.* I would say that the fact that the two of you shared some time together and had a laugh is a good thing. She loosened up and let her guard down. To me that means that maybe she hasn't totally turned away from you.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

One more thing, being a woman I would have to say that if you had chosen to have a heartfelt talk with me, the time would have been while we were having a good moment and my guard was down. If you had said to me then, honey I have something I really need to explain to you and then gone on to tell her whats on your mind, if it was me I would have been open to listening to what you said. That's just me.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know it's hard but ask yourself the tough questions.

Do you want a person that can't see that you were going through major emotional turmoil and that had an effect on how you interacted with her? 

Or worse?

Someone who DID see it, but doesn't care?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Never trust a woman who suddenly gives you what you want.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Never trust a woman who suddenly gives you what you want.


 That's right. We are all devious and have an ulterior motive.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

C.Soprano---This is my take, however, please be advised that I have been going through this for a year and a half. My wife, to this day, refuses to take responsibility for her part in our relationship. So, what I am doing, can work. I have seen it work in other's relationships. Each relationship is different, however, and you must recognize the different things that are causing your situation to stalemate.

I can tell you from personal experience that sleeping in the same bed with a woman who is not "in love" with you is a resentment breeder. I finally came to a place where I will not sleep in the same bed with a woman who refuses to take part in intimacy. It hurts you in more ways than you know. It makes her despise you because you are such a "needy" man that you are reaching for whatever you can get your grip on. All the "nice" things you are doing are good........for you. You need to shift a little bit and work on different things that indirectly help her, but don't take burdens off of her. Does that make sense? She needs to continue to pull her weight so she doesn't sit and stew about her feelings and emotions. You helping her SO much enables her and actually hurts the balance of the relationship. I know, I've done it.

From now on, you do not speak unless spoken to. Shut your mouth. Anything you say at this point (until you get past your emotional patheticness) is manipulation. If you allow her to come to you, then she has initiated the conversation and you will be more genuine in your answers. 

Now that you have concluded there is no affair, stop spying. It does affect your persona around her. She is responsible for her. You are responsible for you. Trust me, she is probably on HIGH ALERT and I am SO glad I stopped spying a year ago. I was able to sit in front of my wife and be truthful and honest. Showing true confidence and leadership in my identity as a man.

Read books, workout, and find a spiritual compass. The person is made up of three parts: mind/body/soul. Working all three on a daily basis is going to make you stronger and, in effect, make it possible for you to truly love your wife. Love is freeing, not controlling. To truly want and show that you want what is best for her is the most attractive thing to a woman you can show. Stop worrying about the "relationship", and do her a favor:

Become the best you that you can be. Get rid of that codependency.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

C.Soprano said:


> I'm still trying to get her to see that i have changed.


Good luck with that. She has a clear picture of the man you were. The new you is just a phase. She see's right through it.

Right ladies? Men don't change, do they?

I can go 6 months as the new me. One slip-up, or worse: a misunderstanding that she sees as a return to the old you and you're back at sq 1.

I'll say it a third time. She's gone. They RARELY come back. Get used to it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Good luck with that. She has a clear picture of the man you were. The new you is just a phase. She see's right through it.
> 
> Right ladies? Men don't change, do they?
> 
> ...


Actually, I personally know 4 guys that this exact senario happened to. One has been a friend for 20 years. Each time, the wife tried to return and work it out. The issue became that the guys were done and had moved on. 3 guys said no, and 1 of them is happily remarried to his wife. The whole "in love" thing has a lot to do with familiarity with you and the whole "my life will be better without you". You go work on you and let them hit their rock bottom. Humbleness goes a LONG WAY.

By the way, 1 of the guys got married to someone else. He now wishes he would have taken the old wife back. People are broken, my friend. Unconditional love and unselfishness go a long way.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

As someone who has been a caregiver of a sick spouse (my husband) going on almost 4 years now, it's a very difficult job - especially when they shut you out emotionally.

My husband and I went through the same thing...as he has improved, I have pulled away to reclaim a part of myself that I gave up when the household was focused on him and his health. It was necessary for me to begin to focus on myself so that I felt better now that he was feeling better.

In the process of doing that, he felt that I was pulling away from him, when I wasn't, I was just trying to re-establish my own life, one that was not always focused on him.

Perhaps that is where she is at right now. You are feeling better, so she can pursue things that make her happy and not have to worry about you.

Or, perhaps this is how she has felt for a while, and couldn't or wouldn't say anything while you were sick.

You need to find out which one before you can set on a course of action.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MrK said:


> Women fall out of love with their husbands between 8-10 years of marriage. It happens ALL THE TIME! I don't know why they don't touch on that somewhere before you get married.
> 
> Oh, and sorry to say, they RARELY come back. Start living your life for you and your daughter. Your wife is gone.


I can really believe this now, after what I experienced today in MC.

You forgot to add, that while women are falling out of love, they don't tell their husbands until they have finished the grieving process. Then, they really are gone, with no hope of R.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Great feed back......I can see a lot of people have gone and are going though this. I've had an interesting couple of days. when I came home from the gym yesterday , She starting talking about her day at the gym. . we had a little push up contest then I showed her some her jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned ( full contact!) We Had a laugh. Later that evening , we sat down together and i watched to videos of her music & i felt we had a connection there for a while. for the first time in weeks, it felt comfortable & She dropped her guard for a bit. Of course, it went back up again. We have a a big weekend coming up . We are going to a wedding on Friday. I guess the best idea is too let her initiate contact and conversations with me?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I can really believe this now, after what I experienced today in MC.
> 
> You forgot to add, that while women are falling out of love, they don't tell their husbands until they have finished the grieving process. Then, they really are gone, with no hope of R.


Unfortunatley Jayb you are right.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Jayb said:


> You forgot to add, that while women are falling out of love, they don't tell their husbands until they have finished the grieving process. Then, they really are gone, with no hope of R.


WOW! I really did forget the most important part. And put so succinctly. That EXACTLY explains why I am a mess and she really doesn't give a crap. Thank you.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Wow. Word to the wise for you guys that are wounded. She is not going to fall back in love with you if you do not change. You have to become a new person just to have a shot. Or, you can be bitter, a mess, or wounded because of the apathy that your wife has turned to in order to cope with her own flawed views. Step up, become a new man and then she can choose to continue in her misery and suffer the consequences of divorce, or she will rise to the occasion and change herself. A woman with kids, typically will rise to the occasion and join you in a new relationship with two new people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

sounds like the Right Idea "dedicated " . If you want to fight for your wife, you need change yourself for the better . If that's what you what you really want to do. Do it for you and hopefully she begins to have feelings for the new you .


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Why do you think she has already made up her mind to leave? Has she suggested it? (maybe I missed that part)

My husband and I are kinda going through something similar. We have both caused each other hurt and resentment. I have to admit my husband has made positive changes and I have also made a few (I could be doing a lot better). There is a disconnection between us and I think it's my fault; I am not letting him in emotionally. We are still intimate, talk, go on date nights etc. but my walls are up. I don't know how to let them down and I have NO plans on leaving my husband. I want to be different and have that connection but I am having a hard time changing. I am very grateful for my husband’s patience. 
We have been married for 11 years and for most of my marriage I felt alone, busy with 4 kids, and making everyone else happy. I have had the selfish attitude of "making myself" happy for the last 2 years and in the last 6 months trying to balance myself out. 
I guess my point is MAYBE she wishes she wasn't so guarded, that she could let her walls down but doesn't know how or is stubborn (my case also). I do love my husband and kids very much and hope to be better...


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Why do you think she has already made up her mind to leave? Has she suggested it? (maybe I missed that part)
> 
> My husband and I are kinda going through something similar. We have both caused each other hurt and resentment. I have to admit my husband has made positive changes and I have also made a few (I could be doing a lot better). There is a disconnection between us and I think it's my fault; I am not letting him in emotionally. We are still intimate, talk, go on date nights etc. but my walls are up. I don't know how to let them down and I have NO plans on leaving my husband. I want to be different and have that connection but I am having a hard time changing. I am very grateful for my husband’s patience.
> We have been married for 11 years and for most of my marriage I felt alone, busy with 4 kids, and making everyone else happy. I have had the selfish attitude of "making myself" happy for the last 2 years and in the last 6 months trying to balance myself out.
> I guess my point is MAYBE she wishes she wasn't so guarded, that she could let her walls down but doesn't know how or is stubborn (my case also). I do love my husband and kids very much and hope to be better...


Wow. You are my wife. However, she now says she is ready to get a divorce, but won't actually pull the trigger. I mean, you sounds EXACTLY like her wth her issues- minus the intimacy.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Wow. You are my wife. However, she now says she is ready to get a divorce, but won't actually pull the trigger. I mean, you sounds EXACTLY like her wth her issues- minus the intimacy.


I will say sorry for her "Sorry"


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

I'm dealing with a guarded wife that wants to leave also. She is blaming herself and will not give anything, not even a date or counselling session a chance. I think the advise to get yourself together is the best, working out and otherwise improving appearance and trying to give space. Try to talk about relationship only when she initiates it. Its not working for me yet, but I feel this is correct path. It looks like you have a lot more time than I have to work on things., be grateful for that.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Wow. Word to the wise for you guys that are wounded. She is not going to fall back in love with you if you do not change. You have to become a new person just to have a shot. Or, you can be bitter, a mess, or wounded because of the apathy that your wife has turned to in order to cope with her own flawed views. Step up, become a new man and then she can choose to continue in her misery and suffer the consequences of divorce, or she will rise to the occasion and change herself. A woman with kids, typically will rise to the occasion and join you in a new relationship with two new people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm 3 weeks into MY changes and new path. A little early for her to truly appreciate and believe, right?

That being said, she's scared of reverting back to the misery she felt in our M, if/when we R.

So, that's why I hear the hopelessness on her part. I get it. No amount of pleading, begging, promising will work. I just have to focus on me for me.

Our children have adjusted to our separation (9 months now) so well, that she said it makes her decision of not continuing MC, wanting to proceed with the D, easier.

Again, who knows? It's these crazy feelings that overwhelm me and knock me around.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cdavis said:


> I'm dealing with a guarded wife that wants to leave also. She is blaming herself and will not give anything, not even a date or counselling session a chance. I think the advise to get yourself together is the best, working out and otherwise improving appearance and trying to give space. Try to talk about relationship only when she initiates it. Its not working for me yet, but I feel this is correct path. It looks like you have a lot more time than I have to work on things., be grateful for that.


Yes. Talking about it, pleading, promising, etc. will only push her farther away at a faster clip.

Time and patience are my biggest challenges now, since after our abatement (holding period) ends in June, the countdown to mediation and agreement will be on.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

BIG NIGHT TONIGHT

About a week after our first conversation about her not being happy with us . I asked her if she wanted to go to a friends wedding with me ( no family involved) . I told i thought it would be a good idea for us to have a night out and she agreed. I also have the kid staying over my mom's house for the night.
this first month went from me being needy , showering her with love , going though her phone and stalking her Facebook account and finding nothing wrong. I also went through the stage of trying to text and call her with any excuse i could think of just to talk. None of that worked to get her guard down . 
I switched gears this week. Trying only to let her initiate contact and conversation . I have been concentrating on myself and seems to be having a little better effect but it has been harder on me to act this way .I act happy all the time and not stressed. I don't let the little things bother me. It's only been a 5 days since i started this role reversal on my part . This morning i walked out without giving her kiss goodbye. For the first time in 12 years. It killed me to do that but i have to stop initiating everything ...Right ? 
She is doing little things to let me know she cares. Especially this week .Making special meals for me for when i go the gym and getting up early to make me breakfast and lunch before i leave for work. She never did those things for me before. I think she is noticing that i am moving on emotionally and she seems sad about it. seems that way anyway.

Back to the big night, we are going out together to this wedding . We will both be looking great . I feel there is an opportunity here to try something or should i just leave things be ? Keep being distant? I usually go to these weddings a get drunk and she drives home but not tonight. the new me drives his own car home and let
s his wife sit in the passenger seat ..so i will not be drinking and she can if she wants to. Do i make a move on her tonight , a kiss on the dance floor , maybe whisper something in her ear to let her know how i feel ? The kid is not home tonight. It would a great time to try to make love to her but i can't handle a rejection but i am the one who always initiated sex from day one in our relationship. I think waiting on her ( even though i told her that the ball was in her court as far as when we would have sex from now on) maybe a mistake. She is not used to doing the initiating . 
Ugh...don't know what to do here..I don't want to blow it.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

C.Soprano said:


> BIG NIGHT TONIGHT
> 
> About a week after our first conversation about her not being happy with us . I asked her if she wanted to go to a friends wedding with me ( no family involved) . I told i thought it would be a good idea for us to have a night out and she agreed. I also have the kid staying over my mom's house for the night.
> this first month went from me being needy , showering her with love , going though her phone and stalking her Facebook account and finding nothing wrong. I also went through the stage of trying to text and call her with any excuse i could think of just to talk. None of that worked to get her guard down .
> ...



Be careful if alcohol is involved. I would strongly urge caution there.

A week seems not enough time. I would further stoke her desire by keeping cool, calm, confident, outgoing, positive, even during this wedding. 

I hope this wedding doesn't cause paralysis by analysis...

Good luck.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Thanks Jay

I agree 100% about the alcohol. I know my emotions would rage out out of control. So i can not let that happen. Probably the best idea is to stick to my plan and let her initiate everything. I can not give into to my insecurity's!!!!!!!! I hate that i am in this position but since i am , i have to try to get her to love and admire me again like when we first met. I am getting there . I will not act needy


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

I think its a great sign she is willing to go with you. I'd try to play it cool also, wait for her to make the moves. I wish I could get to this point!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

This is great! Weddings are ideal venues for reflection. Hopefully she will get misty thinking about your wedding, and she will be ready to consider re-igniting things with you.

I agree with the others, stay away from alcohol. Let her take the lead, and be an attractive man that she will want to be with.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> BIG NIGHT TONIGHT
> 
> About a week after our first conversation about her not being happy with us . I asked her if she wanted to go to a friends wedding with me ( no family involved) . I told i thought it would be a good idea for us to have a night out and she agreed. I also have the kid staying over my mom's house for the night.
> this first month went from me being needy , showering her with love , going though her phone and stalking her Facebook account and finding nothing wrong. I also went through the stage of trying to text and call her with any excuse i could think of just to talk. None of that worked to get her guard down .
> ...


Just a warning here. I did the same thing. We went to a wedding about a week after our little "talk". She really acted into me. We had a great night. Had sex that night. It was pretty crazy. Next day, I start moving ahead like things were getting better. At one point, she kind of moved away from me in a "don't touch me manner". I asked, "So what was last night?" Answer, "Well, I didn't want your friends to know I wasn't into you." So, I wouldn't read into anything that happens. Go, have fun. Relax. Do your thing. 

By the way, you are wound up tight. Can see that by your post. You are going to have to figure out how to find your "center" in all this. By the way, you aren't going to "blow it" tonight. You are in for a long ride. Just keep showing incremental steps in your development as a man over time.

Jayb, I'm a year into mine. (big changes) So, it depends on how stubborn your wife is as to how long it takes to overcome resentment.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My advice is to continue building your wall. You're going to need it. They RARELY come back., Start healing and moving on now.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

MrK said:


> My advice is to continue building your wall. You're going to need it. They RARELY come back., Start healing and moving on now.


Dude. Stop. Really.

My sympathies for whatever circumstance has left you so embittered, but the OP clearly has stated that he wants to try to save his marriage and is seeking help in that regard. Your advice that he shouldn't bother isn't helpful. Not only is it not helpful, but you've already stated it a couple times. It's been duly noted, and, it seems, disregarded. 
Why so intent to pass along your pessimism and hopelessness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

C.Soprano said:


> Thanks Jay
> 
> I agree 100% about the alcohol. I know my emotions would rage out out of control. So i can not let that happen. Probably the best idea is to stick to my plan and let her initiate everything. I can not give into to my insecurity's!!!!!!!! I hate that i am in this position but since i am , i have to try to get her to love and admire me again like when we first met. I am getting there . I will not act needy


I meant, if she's drinking, realize alcohol clouds the mind. She may be horny, really want you, and you have to be in control and know that it's alcohol more than anything...


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Just a warning here. I did the same thing. We went to a wedding about a week after our little "talk". She really acted into me. We had a great night. Had sex that night. It was pretty crazy. Next day, I start moving ahead like things were getting better. At one point, she kind of moved away from me in a "don't touch me manner". I asked, "So what was last night?" Answer, "Well, I didn't want your friends to know I wasn't into you." So, I wouldn't read into anything that happens. Go, have fun. Relax. Do your thing.
> 
> By the way, you are wound up tight. Can see that by your post. You are going to have to figure out how to find your "center" in all this. By the way, you aren't going to "blow it" tonight. You are in for a long ride. Just keep showing incremental steps in your development as a man over time.
> 
> *Jayb, I'm a year into mine. (big changes) So, it depends on how stubborn your wife is as to how long it takes to overcome resentment.*




A year. It may be longer for me, and going through with the D to snap into her. 

You see, our dynamics shifted a few times after the ILYBINILWY speech and initial separation. First 3 months was, shock, yet amicable, doing things as family. Then, I filed out of bitterness, hurt, anger, fear. Next 3 months were highly adversarial, retaining lawyers, etc. Then, I had second thoughts, slowed it down. Last 3 months has been time for reflection, desiring more time to communicate, etc., in addition to no more bitter adversarial relationship. While appreciated, my wife wants to go through with the D.

We are in a holding period until June. then, if proceeding, we are at the agreement/mediation stage.

I am determined to work on me. 3 weeks into it, I've had some mental breakthroughs, physical changes (lost 20 pounds--less than half to go). She has begun to notice, but is still unconvinced.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> Dude. Stop. Really.
> 
> My sympathies for whatever circumstance has left you so embittered, but the OP clearly has stated that he wants to try to save his marriage and is seeking help in that regard. Your advice that he shouldn't bother isn't helpful. Not only is it not helpful, but you've already stated it a couple times. It's been duly noted, and, it seems, disregarded.
> Why so intent to pass along your pessimism and hopelessness?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bad. It's just that I've yet to see a post thanking everyone for helping them get their wife back after she's checked out. I don't think it happens. I wish to god someone had snapped me out of that fantasy 2 years ago. I'd be a hell of a lot farther along in my healing by now. almost three years on these forums and I've read literally hundreds of posts by women who've checked out and husbands of women who've checked out. They don't come back. Sorry if reality is hard to hear. And if I don't keep repeating it, nobody will. This guy, and all the others with similar posts, need to hear this. All of your "you can do it" is nice. But a dose of reality will help more.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband checked out and I got him back. 

It wasn't easy. I didn't beg. I worked on myself.

It can happen.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

wifeofhusband said:


> Chances are your wife really wants to 'come back' but building the trust for her to be confident to do so is going to take time.
> 
> I also relate to the 'walls up' thing. Sometimes I feel they are down but I don't feel safe enough to let go at this point. I've also developed ways to cope and support myself and it is difficult to lean on my husband instead of resorting to these coping mechanisms that have become my mainstay. My husband really let me down in a big way (not talking about infidelity) and I still feel like the only person I can rely on is myself.
> 
> ...


 Thanks everyone. Wedding night did not go great but positive things did happen this week
end. I will fill you in a few...have to catch a 3 hours of sleep before work!
Thanks again for all the comments and advice. It is so helpful. I need the help! I will write back soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

C.Soprano said:


> Thanks everyone. Wedding night did not go great but positive things did happen this week
> end. I will fill you in a few...have to catch a 3 hours of sleep before work!
> Thanks again for all the comments and advice. It is so helpful. I need the help! I will write back soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats good! I think others (like) me are having trouble even getting a opening, so glad yours went good.


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## C.Soprano (Mar 12, 2012)

Wedding night review- "Sucked!" I should mention that my significant other is in a wedding band. So she took control of most of the conversations because she is now an expert at wedding receptions. Not great for me. I realized that this was mistake 20 minutes into the reception. The wedding was super boring as well. We had bad seating, not with our friends . She was distant that night. Yeah we danced together for a few songs ( which i never do!!! she was shocked . I can't dance but i tried because i know she enjoys it) and did the married couples dance ( her idea) . I let her drink . She was surprised.She was making it a point not to be to cuddly with me. Don't get me wrong . we hugged a bit but i did the initiating that night. Bad idea . I won't be doing that anymore . It's a killer for me. by the end of the night ,she was feeling sick. Really sick. Quiet ride home. No action. I felt she was mean to me that night and i'm ready to give up. I knew i should have backed off her . I had momentum going into the wedding but lost it that night. I was very down and went to bed feeling that way .
Saturday morning , she wakes me up before she goes to work and says " i love you" . I was ready to throw the towel in after that wedding and now this. Turns out she has a bad stomach virus . I took care of her on Saturday night . I got another "I love you " that night. We spent the whole day together on sunday with the kid. I took them out to breakfast , then did some shopping , then to see a friends show , then dinner . We had a nice time together on Saturday and Sunday. The guard seemed to come down a bit.
this morning , i did not get a warm reaction before i left for work. Up and down with emotions but she is still having stomach problems.

It was interesting to me that her guard did come down for a bit.I don't know what to make of it. I know i have to give her space. I'm hoping that giving her some space & keep continuing work on myself that things work out between us. I feel like i'm playing a chess match .


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