# Wife flirts with other men and it make me feel worthless



## JimmySoul

*Wife flirts with other men and it makes me feel worthless*

As long as we’ve been married, people have openly marveled at how “lucky” I am to have such an attractive wife. I’ve wondered myself. I’ve rarely had women approach or flirt with me. A beautiful young lady did once so I flirted back and eventually married her. It wasn’t until after our kid was born that I realized she talks to pretty much every guy that same way but she plays differently with really good-looking guys. 

First, she’ll stare, like I’m not even there, until the dude notices her attention. If it were just random strangers I wouldn’t mind so much but she does this with guys she already knows. Here’s where it gets interesting. They’ll hardly say a word to each other if the guy’s girl is around but if he’s alone he’ll find any excuse to interact with her, and she likewise for him. _Every dumb thing they say to each other is hilarious or profound and somehow they often end up tickling each other or some other kind of playful, unnecessary touching. _WTF, right? These guys are aware enough to know how it would look to their ladies but she plays the game right in front of me. 

That’s in front of me. If I dare to leave the room, he’ll often be sitting in her chair with her or standing really close to her or something when I return, quickly moving when he sees me. She’s not initiating the full-body contact as far as I know but she’s not moving away from it, either (and who knows what really happens other places when when I'm not around). 

Again, it’s a delicate situation because I know these guys and it’s always at cordial events where I can’t make a scene. One of the guys even jokes about banging her. “Keep dreaming” is her harshest response. Yeah, you "alphas" would probably tell me to man up and punch him but he’s a trained MMA guy. And we’re related. And when someone’s “joking” you gotta roll with it or risk looking like an insecure, humorless @ss to every one else. If I dare say anything to her in private I’m labeled every demeaning, emasculating name in her vocabulary and she won’t even consider that she’s doing anything inappropriate or different with these guys than any other guys. Her only compromise is now she’ll occasionally throw a couple of random, patronizing compliments my way when we’re in public (but rarely, if ever, when the other guys are in earshot). 

Maybe I could cope if she was getting turned on and letting loose on me in the bedroom later but that doesn’t even happen. She’ll just shut me down and roll over and read another romance novel like every other night. I have a good job, try to be an awesome dad, compliment her all the time, work out really hard to be as attractive as I can. But all the bench pressing in the world won’t turn my Michael Phleps face into the Brad Pitt mug she really craves these days. I know I should have listened to the song “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife” but it’s a little late now. Any advice?


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## LifeAsIKnowIt

Tell her how you feel. Even if its in a letter you leave on her dresser to find when she's alone. We can't defend ourselves or interrupt a letter. 

My fiance "accused" me of the same. He has always said all my guy friends flirted with me and even though, in his eyes, I flirted back with a few, he was just as upset that I didn't put a stop to their flirting with me. Fact was I didn't see what he saw. I saw a friendly "hi, how are you" text but he saw "you wanna cheat on him and meet me tonight?" There was a lot of tension between us.

It's been almost 8 months since I've had any contact with any of my guy friends. I think back to some of the conversations and I see now how he could take some of their comments as advances. And I can honestly say i'd be just as uncomfortable if they had been messages to him from another girl.

Tell her how you feel. He told me, I tuned him out. He wrote a letter and I couldn't tune it out and keep reading. I had no choice but to read on. Curious cat in me I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JimmySoul

Thanks for the reply. I get that women enjoy attention; guys do, too. But it seems a lot of women play dumb when it comes to how guys will interpret having a girl's attention. Why do they pretend to be in denial when their BF or H tells them what really goes on in a dude's head? She says I must just be a perv or full of myself and that other guys aren't thinking they have a shot with a cute girl because she's extra friendly. I've tried the letter thing before. She knows how I feel and it just gave her more ammo to call me a p****y because I didn't confront her to her face.

I've been reading the alpha/beta stuff on here and it rings true. She was attracted to me because I was so different from the *********s she was used to; I was attracted to her (other than her looks) because the sweet girls I'd dated in the past seemed boring in comparison. Now she's in control and I think we're both regretting each other instead of compromising and appreciating what we have. I'm really not that ugly. Her friends tell her they'd do me but I'm not playful with them to give them or my wife any reason to wonder if I would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LifeAsIKnowIt

Ok, if anything you say gives her "ammo" to be negative towards you it's not only disrespectful but also emotional and verbal abuse and you need to ask yourself why you stay. Having been in an incredibly abusive relationship myself I can now say leaving was better. It doesn't matter if you're drop dead gorgeous, fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down or are somewhere inbetween, that kind of relationship and treatment is uncalled for. My ex was a good looking guy but he was so incredibly ugly. Run. And don't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synaptic

I've had experience in this, despite my wife's ongoing personality issues.

Some of this happened early on in our marriage. I told her I would not tolerate that behavior (because she wouldn't tolerate it from me). There was some pushback, but I was very serious about our marriage ending because to me, that's disrespectful to me and our kids. When she realized that, she backed off. 

I am also trained in martial arts, and unfortunately, in this situation, I've had to use it. It was honestly a self-defense situation, one where I couldn't avoid.

I know if she had continued with it, I would have likely walked. I can't be a good father to my children if I'm looking over my shoulder for things that should never happen, given the commitments marriage require. Also the emotional turmoil caused by such things, for me, is far worse than cutting my losses. 

The downside is that the kids are impacted in a profound way. 

I hope you find your answer. Prayers are with you.


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## COguy

Doormat, meet feet.

Got a problem, no worries, just keep it to yourself for fear of looking like an insecure a$$.

Don't share your feelings.

Don't confront your friends or family about their actions.

Bottle it up!


OR

"Man Up". Set some boundaries, discuss your displeasure with the current situation, confront when you are upset, and work on yourself so that you have more confidence.


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## Horizon

I can relate. It is an aspect of my WS's behavior that I had never addressed with her nor mentioned on TAM. She is a bit of a flirt - she likes men; has issues with men but likes men.

There have been a few examples over the years, not as intense as described here but it pi**ed me off just the same. I did bring it up once and she just gave me that quizzical look and then the "WTF?".

Once she was letting a young Real Estate salesman through our front door. I came down the hall and asked what's going on. She said something about a market value and then the dumbest thing "he smells really nice". 

I told the young bloke that we weren't interested and showed him the door. My WS had never discussed anything at that stage about selling our house. It was an aspect of her behavior - she was sold on attraction. 

She used to kiss this ex work colleague hello and say "how are you gorgeous" on those odd occasions when we went to his retail outlet. I hated it and thought it was inappropriate. Just one of the lessons I had to learn - speak up and say what you will and will not put up with.


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## swade87

If I acted that way, my man would calmly but firmly tell the other guy to back up (without making a scene), then drag me out the door and give me an earful. And honestly, I wouldn't respect him if he didn't. If she doesn't respect you, of course she'll keep acting this way.


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## Jellybeans

*Re: Wife flirts with other men and it makes me feel worthless*



JimmySoul said:


> One of the guys even jokes about banging her. “Keep dreaming” is her harshest response.


Wth? Your wife carries on like this in front of you? 

And you just stand there?

Your wife has really crap boundaries. Like, the worst ever. It means she doesn't respect you or your marriage. 

I would tell her straight up how she is coming across and how it makes you feel.

Sounds like you married a dud. A tasteless dud.


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## Jellybeans

swade87 said:


> If I acted that way, my man would calmly but firmly tell the other guy to back up (without making a scene), then drag me out the door and give me an earful. And honestly, I wouldn't respect him if he didn't.


I think it takes a certain kind of woman to engage in this behavior in front of her own husband. She already doesn't respect him if she has no issue with doing these things w/ other men in front of him. So it's not about him dragging her away. Yes, he needs to stand his ground but there is more to it than that (on her end).


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## arbitrator

*My XW was rather proficient at flirting with other men also! She absolutely loved flirting with them just as much as her being flirted with by them!

But with all due respect, at least she did it while she was out of my presence, or so the evidence from her texting and FB came to show!*


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## Thor

I think you need to stand up to him. In one of those events.

Politely move between him and your wife and tell him politely but firmly that he has crossed the line and it is time for him to stop.

And you do this with a confident eye contact and strong body language.

If he gives you lip, just give him a small silent smile or an uplifted eyebrow.

What's he gonna do, punch you with all those people around? If he does, press charges to the maximum extent of the law. Seriously. If you're not willing to stand up for what is yours, you might as well tie it up in a pink ribbon and hand it to him.


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## Jellybeans

The wife's "eep dreaming" comment is ridiculous. She should say something like "I am married and you are being inappropriate. This is my husband, X." But no. She says "Keep dreaming?" WTF?


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## swade87

Jellybeans said:


> I think it takes a certain kind of woman to engage in this behavior in front of her own husband. She already doesn't respect him if she has no issue with doing these things w/ other men in front of him. So it's not about him dragging her away. Yes, he needs to stand his ground but there is more to it than that (on her end).


I've seen this often. It starts out innocently.. the wife/woman is flirty by nature, the husband/man lets it slide. Her behavior goes unchecked, and therefore gets worse. She, probably not even realizing it at the time, slowly loses respect for her husband/man. The flirting turns into desire. Loss of respect for your man + attention from other males now equals trouble. Doesn't mean she's a horrible person or something is wrong with her. Could just mean she's bored. Could just mean she's looking to be desired. And what woman doesn't desire a man who will be protective of her when necessary?

I've been guilty of being flirty (with no ill intentions) with an attractive guy on a night out. Just a little ego boost. The guy got a little too close. My fiance put a stop to it right then and there. I learned. Haven't acted that way since. 

Whining to her about this after the fact in private does nothing. I promise you. You can stop this as it's happening without causing a scene. I mean no offense.. I'm only trying to help you, but these men who flirt with your wife probably have little respect for you either. It's not about being macho. It's not about fist fights or stare downs. It's not alpha BS. It's about protecting what's yours.


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## Another Planet

Why anyone would want to "teach" their SO how to act is beyond me.
Grounds for divorce in my book period. Maybe I just am sick of peoples lack of moral integrity.


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## 6301

You got a mouth and a way of communicating with it so use it. If she gives you grief for it, tell her that if she's not happy then she can pull up her stakes and move on with your blessings but under no circumstances will you put up with her behavior. It's called simple respect. You don't want any more but won't put up with anything less period.

The longer you let her do this the harder it will be for her to stop and your the only one with the power to do it. The choice is yours. Don't let her give you any back lash on it. She's your wife and she should act like it.

Friend of mine had the same problem with his fiance who had a habit of flirting to the point of my friend almost having to get into fights in a public place while she watched on the side lines. 

It got to the point that one night he just looked at her after the confrontation she caused and calmly said to her in a voice that almost everyone heard "You know, your just not worth it" and walked out and left her there. He went home, packed her stuff up from his apartment and put it in the hallway. She got a ride back to his apartment and let told her to take her stuff and go back to her own place.

She pestered him for the rest of the weekend and he finally told her that he had enough of her attitude. She got really pissed and went out and hooked up with a guy she met, and his girlfriend wasn't happy about it and caught up with my buddies fiance in the ladies room and ripped her a new one and after her ass kicking she was told that if she did it again, it would be worse. She came out of it with a broken nose which also cause two black eyes and when my buddy found out about it, he went to see her and walked out with the engagement ring that he asked for.


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## Jellybeans

swade87 said:


> I've seen this often. It starts out innocently.. the wife/woman is flirty by nature, the husband/man lets it slide. Her behavior goes unchecked, and therefore gets worse. She, probably not even realizing it at the time, slowly loses respect for her husband/man.


See, I disagree with this. A woman who openly flirts with men in front of her husband NEVER had respect for him. It's not something that disappeared with time. 

Because I think it takes a certain kind of woman to do something like that. She isn't even hiding it or doing it out of his eyes. That is pretty much one of the most disrespectful things you could ever to do a man/your partner.

But then, I think it takes a certain kind of man to tolerate or stay with a woman who from day 1 openly flirts with other men in front of him. That to me is someone who probably doesn't respect himself/or think highly of himself.


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## reesespieces

Another Planet said:


> Why anyone would want to "teach" their SO how to act is beyond me.
> Grounds for divorce in my book period. *Maybe I just am sick of peoples lack of moral integrity.*


You're not the only one sick about that. Whoever said flirting was harmless needs to get a clue. So many people believe that flirting with another person's spouse is just "communicating" and is an innocent act! How people can think that way is beyond my understanding. Flirting isn't harmless when you're doing it with another person's spouse. That means they are NOT available! Why would you even go there!

Thank goodness my husband finds is disturbing when women try to flirt with him. He always wears his ring and wonders if people ignore the ring or don't see it. Or just don't care.


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## Decorum

This thread is from December 2012.

Jimmy has left the building, and his wife, well who knows.


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## ConanHub

I know it is a dead thread but who thinks it's funny to talk about banging another mans wife in any situation?
My wife is a lady in all aspects and wouldn't be caught dead flirting with anyone but me so men don't think they can get very far with her.
One time however.... I was at a company party and my wife was at home with the kids. The atmosphere was festive and everyone felt loose and was having a good time.
A coworker of mine started the "whose wife would I fvck" conversation. As he made his rounds telling each man if his wife was up to his standards to bang, I tried to work my way to the door, having no interest in this line of conversation. To me the party was over.

Almost if he was psychic, he homed in on me before I could exit, and with a gleam of lust and belligerence in his eyes, said "I'd fvck your wife!".

It is hard for me to describe how I am wired, but lets just say that beneath the surface, not very far beneath, there is a kind of beastly thing that can think but mostly acts. "He" was suddenly in the drivers seat and I was drug along for the ride.

I don't remember how, but the distance between us disappeared and face to face I remember saying with absolute certainty that I would kill him.

The room went absolutely still and the man in front of me turned pale, his voice went squeaky, and in very subservient tones, told me he was just joking. He was about 2 inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds.

He never joked like that, to my knowledge, with anyone again.

I don't care how big or capable a man is, he needs to possess his wife like his own life and defend her the same.


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## ne9907

ConanHub said:


> I know it is a dead thread but who thinks it's funny to talk about banging another mans wife in any situation?
> My wife is a lady in all aspects and wouldn't be caught dead flirting with anyone but me so men don't think they can get very far with her.
> One time however.... I was at a company party and my wife was at home with the kids. The atmosphere was festive and everyone felt loose and was having a good time.
> A coworker of mine started the "whose wife would I fvck" conversation. As he made his rounds telling each man if his wife was up to his standards to bang, I tried to work my way to the door, having no interest in this line of conversation. To me the party was over.
> 
> Almost if he was psychic, he homed in on me before I could exit, and with a gleam of lust and belligerence in his eyes, said "I'd fvck your wife!".
> 
> It is hard for me to describe how I am wired, but lets just say that beneath the surface, not very far beneath, there is a kind of beastly thing that can think but mostly acts. "He" was suddenly in the drivers seat and I was drug along for the ride.
> 
> I don't remember how, but the distance between us disappeared and face to face I remember saying with absolute certainty that I would kill him.
> 
> The room went absolutely still and the man in front of me turned pale, his voice went squeaky, and in very subservient tones, told me he was just joking. He was about 2 inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds.
> 
> He never joked like that, to my knowledge, with anyone again.
> 
> I don't care how big or capable a man is, he needs to possess his wife like his own life and defend her the same.




You and your wife have something very special. Never forget how lucky you both are. Blessings your way.


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## ConanHub

Dead thread jack. 

Thank you ne! 

You are very sweet to say so. I do appreciate what we have and don't take it for granted.

I really hope the same for others too.

Life has enough pain, we need joy where we can find it.


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## Bobby5000

Regardless of whether its a function, I would simply leave if there were open flirting. Let her find a way home or call you. It probably will start a big fight but getting this out will help make a better marriage.


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