# 8 years ago & I still hurt...



## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm new to this forum so firstly hello to everyone. I'm struggling right now and looking for help, Google stumbled me across this site. It's a long story which I hope you don't mind reading...

I have been with my husband for 16 years, half of my life. He was my 1st (and only) partner and I have been faithful throughout the relationship. To cut a long story short- 8 years ago I suspected and later proved that my husband was meeting with another woman for an unknown period but I guess 6-12 months. The pain was indescribable and I truly felt my heart shatter. He insisted they were merely friends but the fact that he bought her perfume, went to see her in secret, took phone calls from her and lied...there's a BIG list, all this made/makes me think there was far more than friendship.

Anyway, he later admitted that he was 'emotionally' unfaithful. He even said if they'd not been found out it's possible he may have fallen for her. He maintains to this day that he was not physically intimate. But in my heart I honestly believe he was. 

We discussed splitting but decided to try again. It was very difficult and I never thought I'd be able to love him again. Since he destroyed what we had I have been unable to trust him or let my emotional guard down enough for that to happen. I wanted to but I guess it hurt so much the 1st time that subconsciously I wouldn't let myself ever be in that position again.

Since that time- we have not really talked about it, I have tried to bring it up because I still feel in my head it's not resolved. He will not discuss it. At all. My libido has never recovered but I try. We get on fantastically well and are best friends. For a while now I have felt love for him creeping back into my heart which is what has bought me here tonight....I was sitting thinking to myself about how much I love him (it frightens me), how lucky and happy I am to have him/us.

And then like an arrow through my heart I get this chain of horrible feelings: What if I lose him. Remembering what happened when he cheated> How it felt to find out> The lengths he went to to hide it> The lies he told. Like something in me wants to stop me feeling that way about him.

It was 8 years ago. I don't want it to hurt me/us any more but I don't know how to stop it. I feel stupid that it still makes me feel this way. I have no reason to believe he has done it more than once or that he would do it again.

I feel better for sharing all that so if you stayed with me until now, thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice or comments I'd be thankful for anything you can offer.


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

As a person who has dealt with some turmoil in out relationship I understand what your going through and I feel for you. 

The first thing u need to do is work on you. I know u think about what might have happened and think you want to knpw everything and all. But in reality when u truly think about it you already know. People will tell you u need to get all the info and everything out in the open and eight yrs aho that may have been true. Just look at it this way an afgair is an affair emotional or physicall its all the same and hurts hust as bad.

What you need to ask yourself is do u truly love your husband and has he been loving you. If so then you have to let it go and trust again or you will only waste both of your lives by cpntinuing the marriage. Its not fair tp you or jim tp do rhat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

The only way to get over it is to give yoyrself to your husband fully. I know its a risk but without risk there will be no reward. I found that once I got back to hust loving my wife everything just slipped away and our love grew stronger than it was before. Remember steel is forged in fire and in no other way can it forged. So your marriage has been thrpugh the fire and the only thing stopping you two from making things whole again is your insecurities. 

I do find it disturbing ur husband doesn't want fo talk about it anymore but then again it has beem eoght yrs and I don't know hpw much time he gave you where he was sjper
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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Super comforting. It says a lot that u are still together. Wish you the best. 

Sorry about the typos and accidently turning one post into three but I'm new and on my cell sorry.
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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

what a piece of work he is i cannot imagine what this must feel like. I suggest you divorce him and leave and start over a new life it may be very hard as i cant imagine what you are feeling knowing what he has done to make the relationship seem not honest.

best of luck


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks for your replies.

It has taken me a LONG time to fall back in love with him but I would say yes, I do love him. I am annoyed with myself today to be quite honest- I was feeling very content, thinking of my husband and all his good qualities, how I love him...and then out of the blue the affair comes back to haunt me. It's odd because it's not like I think about it all the time, or often. I don't know why it happened now. Perhaps it's a self-defence mechanism? Like something inside me wants to protect myself against the possibility of being destroyed all over again. Even though in my heart I feel that a repeat performance is unlikely. How on earth can I stop that from happening? I need to be able to embrace those positive feelings and my marriage but I couldn't control the negatives popping into my head. I know it's a destructive force and I want to lay it to rest but I just don't know how.

I went from feeling very happy to worry/anger/sadness in a short space of time. Very unpleasant.


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Don't feel bad its not ur failt its actually his. But with that said it is important that you know urself. If u can't get over it and be honest about that. If u have to let him gp then that's what it must be for u both to achieve true happiness. 

With that said I can tell you that it is possible it took me about six months but I dod it by just engrossing myself in my family abd mai
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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

And mainly my wife to be exact. To be fair we took a week vaca to the usvi in the middle of all of it and got back to me and her no kids nothing just romance and love and it h elped a great deal. Might want to try that and the more remote thr better make it like a second honeymoon just you and him and nature. If u can't go somewhere nice just the woods along with a lake will do. Assuming you live in europe shouldn't be to hard. Just make sure you both get tons of privacy and just let yourself go and give yourself to him ill bet those thoughts fade away pretty quick as long as your husband makes you feel like the center of his univers.

Sorry but this phone is driving me nuts lol its new to me. Gl and share ur thoughts with him as that's really what will make your marriage stronger than beefore. Share everything from good to bad nightnares to fantasies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroke (May 6, 2010)

thebuckest said:


> And mainly my wife to be exact. To be fair we took a week vaca to the usvi in the middle of all of it and got back to me and her no kids nothing just romance and love and it h elped a great deal. Might want to try that and the more remote thr better make it like a second honeymoon just you and him and nature. If u can't go somewhere nice just the woods along with a lake will do. Assuming you live in europe shouldn't be to hard. Just make sure you both get tons of privacy and just let yourself go and give yourself to him ill bet those thoughts fade away pretty quick as long as your husband makes you feel like the center of his univers.
> 
> Sorry but this phone is driving me nuts lol its new to me. Gl and share ur thoughts with him as that's really what will make your marriage stronger than beefore. Share everything from good to bad nightnares to fantasies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I so want to do this with my WS, maybe with a little US time we could remember all of the truely important things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife had an affair 15 or so years ago.

Every-so-often, something will trigger something in me. Not so much, now, to be fair.

To be honest, I am not sure divorce would be right for you. You seem to be just getting occasional triggers.

Maybe you need to just say: "I love you. I also love you because you could have left me, but you chose me, instead."

Now, personally, I think that might mean you are a special person. After all, he did have another option, but chose you, instead!:smthumbup:


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I am SO glad I stumbled across this forum. Thanks to all who've read and commented so far. I have never really spoken about any of this so just being able to express myself here tonight has been very cathartic. I didn't even know such places existed! I feel much less lonely and irrational now, thank you. I've had a browse of some of the topics and I look forward to contributing when I've had some sleep and am feeling more optimistic!


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Well if nothing else, you aren't the only irrational one out there. 

I've only been dealing with this for about 2 1/2 weeks and I feel absolutely bonkers with the emotional roller coaster. I keep trying to tell myself it's okay to feel what I feel and to let it roll through me, then let it go. Its not easy, and I wind up breathing deep a lot..but I think it helps some? 

Best of luck to you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ukf32,

It is not that uncommon to feel anxious about an affair that occurred a long time ago. IMO, you and your husband did not really deal with the issues surrounding the affair. It sounds a bit like he just wanted to get past it and you allowed that to happen. It also sounds like you have both worked hard to resolve some of the issues in your marriage and learn to be a better couple. Now that you are finally feeling safe and secure in the relationship maybe your subconscious is questioning its authenticity. Maybe you are wondering deep down if its real or if it will blow up again. If that's the case then it means that as the BS you and your husband did not put anything in place to solidly reassure you that his behavior will not be repeated. I suggest strongly that you sit down with your husband and let him know honestly how you feel. You both are in a better place than you were so working together to overcome this hurdle should not be impossible.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I do feel we explored why it happened but yes, I suppose I was never fully convinced by his explanations (which consisted mainly of working too hard/ she came to him for support because she was struggling with her own family life/ strains of getting our own home etc etc). I found it difficult to understand how he had an affair while he was happy in our actual marriage, we were both experiencing the external pressures yet I didn't feel the need to escape or seek solace with someone else. 

The frustrating thing is I actually DON'T think he would do it again. But then I wouldn't have thought him capable of it in the 1st place. I wish I could sit him down and talk to him about the unresolved feelings I have about it but in his mind it was over and forgotten a long time ago. The few times I have attempted to bring it up has resulted in him feeling hurt/angry/defensive. I think in all honesty he doesn't actually believe I still suffer because of it. Though I have tended to brush my feelings under the carpet which will have suggested to him that I was over it. I have to take responsibility for that.

On a sidenote- I feel guilty for being here, talking about this. I love my husband and he is a wonderful partner, and we do have a very strong marriage despite all of this. Even to strangers I don't like the idea of making him out to be a villain.

That all ended up a bit of a ramble, sorry folks


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I do feel we explored why it happened but yes, I suppose I was never fully convinced by his explanations (which consisted mainly of working too hard/ she came to him for support because she was struggling with her own family life/ strains of getting our own home etc etc). I found it difficult to understand how he had an affair while he was happy in our actual marriage, we were both experiencing the external pressures yet I didn't feel the need to escape or seek solace with someone else.
> 
> The frustrating thing is I actually DON'T think he would do it again. But then I wouldn't have thought him capable of it in the 1st place. I wish I could sit him down and talk to him about the unresolved feelings I have about it but in his mind it was over and forgotten a long time ago. The few times I have attempted to bring it up has resulted in him feeling hurt/angry/defensive. I think in all honesty he doesn't actually believe I still suffer because of it. Though I have tended to brush my feelings under the carpet which will have suggested to him that I was over it. I have to take responsibility for that.
> 
> ...


Don't feel guilty for being here! (Oh. I do, too. Damn. Just realised that. Oh, ****** it!! )

Anyway, shall I tell you why your husband had an affair? Because he was an idiot. No, really! And it's not just a man thing! Woman can be idiots, too!

_What happened, possibly, was that he had a genuine desire to help that woman, so he did (We all like helping people, right?) but then well, it can be a bit flattering, when people thank you. A thank you with a simple kiss. Oh, that was nice. I wonder if I should...?

Oh my God! What an idiot I am!! I just had sex with her!!! Oh, no! What would my poor wife think? I'll have to tell the OW, I can't see her, any more! I'll tell her, now. Oh, I told her, she is sobbing. I'll comfort her. Arghh, no! I did it again! I hate myself! Etc., etc., etc._

Affairs happen for a variety of reasons. Many because good people made bad decisions.

Some then make the right decision, like your husband.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

thebuckest said:


> As a person who has dealt with some turmoil in out relationship I understand what your going through and I feel for you.
> 
> The first thing u need to do is work on you. I know u think about what might have happened and think you want to knpw everything and all. But in reality when u truly think about it you already know. People will tell you u need to get all the info and everything out in the open and eight yrs aho that may have been true. Just look at it this way an afgair is an affair emotional or physicall its all the same and hurts hust as bad.
> 
> ...


If my H had refused to tell me what I wanted to know,(and had every right to know)about his A, I would have packed his stuff and filed for a D. Trust has to be earned. It is earned by being open and accountable. When a person with a history of betrayal refuses to be forthcoming , it is an indication that they have something to hide and may very well repeat the disloyal behavior in the future. The BS needs this information in order to put the shattered pieces of their life back together, and to understand what happened and how to avoid similar problems in the future. Unanswered questions make healing very difficult if not impossible for the injured spouse. It is important to know the type of A, because different types have different potential outcomes statistically. The relatively long-term Romantic PA, for example, is the most difficult type for survival of the marriage. Being kept in the dark is unkind and disrespectful, I would not trust this person either.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi oaksthorne & mattmatt, I appreciate your perspectives. The main thing that still bothers me is not knowing whether or not they were physically intimate during the affair. I have asked him a number of times since it happened and he maintains that they were not. But then perhaps that doesn't count for too much when he was caught in lie after lie and only ever admitted the things I had unequivocally proved for myself. I assume they had sexual contact, gut instinct along with all I know about the affair suggests they must have been. Though I had/have no way of proving that to get him to admit it. I don't think I'll ever know for certain.

I was thinking about this though- I'm not sure things would be the way they are now had he actually confessed to physical intimacy. I value the fact that he has been my only partner and to have had sex with her is, for me, the ultimate abuse of that gift. If he was to turn around and admit that he lied back then about it and continued to lie for the past 8 years, well I'm not sure I could get past that. Perhaps it's better not to know for certain despite my suspicions? Argh!

We are great at the moment and I don't want to jeopardise that. But on the other hand have we resurrected our now solid foundations on a lie? And would it matter after all this time if we had? I just don't know. Part of me wants to bury it all again, questioning why I opened all these old wounds. Perhaps I'm over analysing. Can we continue on our happy path despite the shadows of the past? We're happy now, do you think it's important for our future that I know for definite or shall I let it go?


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> Hi oaksthorne & mattmatt, I appreciate your perspectives. The main thing that still bothers me is not knowing whether or not they were physically intimate during the affair. I have asked him a number of times since it happened and he maintains that they were not. But then perhaps that doesn't count for too much when he was caught in lie after lie and only ever admitted the things I had unequivocally proved for myself. I assume they had sexual contact, gut instinct along with all I know about the affair suggests they must have been. Though I had/have no way of proving that to get him to admit it. I don't think I'll ever know for certain.
> 
> I was thinking about this though- I'm not sure things would be the way they are now had he actually confessed to physical intimacy. I value the fact that he has been my only partner and to have had sex with her is, for me, the ultimate abuse of that gift. If he was to turn around and admit that he lied back then about it and continued to lie for the past 8 years, well I'm not sure I could get past that. Perhaps it's better not to know for certain despite my suspicions? Argh!
> 
> We are great at the moment and I don't want to jeopardise that. But on the other hand have we resurrected our now solid foundations on a lie? And would it matter after all this time if we had? I just don't know. Part of me wants to bury it all again, questioning why I opened all these old wounds. Perhaps I'm over analysing. Can we continue on our happy path despite the shadows of the past? We're happy now, do you think it's important for our future that I know for definite or shall I let it go?


What does your gut tell you? We all know cheaters lie, downplay affairs and convince us it meant nothing. I'm getting alittle tired of WS insulting my intelligence. If after 8 years your still doubting him you may need some IC, and try to work through this. If your not able to open up your heart after so many years then maybe you owe it to yourself to move on. You deserve to love and to be loved. I can't stand the it's over so get over it attitude alot of WS have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ukf32 said:


> Hi oaksthorne & mattmatt, I appreciate your perspectives. The main thing that still bothers me is not knowing whether or not they were physically intimate during the affair. I have asked him a number of times since it happened and he maintains that they were not. But then perhaps that doesn't count for too much when he was caught in lie after lie and only ever admitted the things I had unequivocally proved for myself. I assume they had sexual contact, gut instinct along with all I know about the affair suggests they must have been. Though I had/have no way of proving that to get him to admit it. I don't think I'll ever know for certain.
> 
> I was thinking about this though- I'm not sure things would be the way they are now had he actually confessed to physical intimacy. I value the fact that he has been my only partner and to have had sex with her is, for me, the ultimate abuse of that gift. If he was to turn around and admit that he lied back then about it and continued to lie for the past 8 years, well I'm not sure I could get past that. Perhaps it's better not to know for certain despite my suspicions? Argh!
> 
> We are great at the moment and I don't want to jeopardise that. But on the other hand have we resurrected our now solid foundations on a lie? And would it matter after all this time if we had? I just don't know. Part of me wants to bury it all again, questioning why I opened all these old wounds. Perhaps I'm over analysing. Can we continue on our happy path despite the shadows of the past? We're happy now, do you think it's important for our future that I know for definite or shall I let it go?


The ultimate irony is that we constantly push the BS to break through the trickle truth and get everything out in the open. But in many cases when the WS does in fact reveal it all and not hold back, the BS and many of the TAM posters say its too much to get over. The BS should divorce. Sometimes I wonder if the WS is not better off gradually revealing the truth to give the BS time to adjust. In your case you fully admit that your H has not definitively said whether there was sexual contact. And you also state that if he actually confessed you might not be able to get past it. Here is what I would suggest. Are you happy? Is your husband doing all the things to make you happy? Is knowing or not knowing an impediment to that happiness? These are questions you must answer for yourself because it truly is a case of "if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question."

Edit: And your current relationship is not built on a lie. It is built on the actions of your husband and your ability to forgive him. The work you have both done to get to this point comes out of love and love is never a lie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Knowing that they had sex is rough. In fact, I 'forgot' that I knew they had sex until only recently. Suddenly remembering -from something my wife accidentally let slip at the time- that they must have had sex shook me a little, all these years later.

Anyway, so long as they chose us...


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