# Limbo..This sucks!



## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

I have been separated since July and in Limbo since. I don't understand if my wife does not want to be married to me why she does not file. Limbo is horrible.
If everyone who reads this could just say a quick prayer that me and my wife begin to work on this marriage I would appreciate that.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Have you considered MC?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

You are doing great Hiking.

Stay the course, 180, working on yourself and NC.

Time is a confusing mistress. Helps you heal, helps you move on and forces WAS to reflect.

YOU focus on your future and who YOU want to be. The rest will take care of itself.

Beware, you do not want to be the WAS Plan B.

Be strong friend, you are on your way,
Stretch


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

Stretch said:


> You are doing great Hiking.
> 
> Stay the course, 180, working on yourself and NC.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

how do you distinguish between standing and plan b
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Hiking, 

Why is the decision hers. What do you want to do?

File for divorce and have her served and you will have your answer. She will either freak and want to work on your marriage or she will decide divorce is best.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I know the EXACT feeling you have. This happened to me about 12 years ago, but we stayed married, only to now be going through a divorce. 
Here's a little more detail and some of my reflections now:

My H has always traveled for work, so away a lot. One trip at home 12 years ago, he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. But he wouldn't give anything concrete, and the more I asked, the more he said "I don't know". It was hell on earth not knowing, not having him home every day to see physical reactions to conversations (rather than emails), plus I had two little kids to take care of. I was a mess and largely functioned in a fog. I suspected an OW. I snooped and snooped and finally found out the who and what. At this point, I had to make a decision. Do I fight for it or do I be the one to pull the plug? I chose to work for it. But I did not directly confront him and force the issue. I stepped back, and the most important thing I did was to look at MYSELF and really looked at what could be better from my perspective in the relationship. I became more secure and confident, and I made a decision that I was either going to win him back, or I would move on positively. I was not going to wallow in it and LET him make me a mess. That was a real turn around. He noticed. In the end, he chose to stay and work on the marriage. After he chose to stay, we talked about what I needed in order to stay in the marriage as well, and then we made some changes to our lifestyle. I didn't make any demands about myself, until I was sure he was ready to commit to staying with me. 

Fast forward to today, we are in the process of getting a divorce. So I'm asking myself, if I could go back, would I still have fought or been through back then? Yes I would still fight to stay married. (Part of me still wants to fight now.) We had some good years in between. 

But we also made some key mistakes. First and foremost, I don't think we ever really ever resolved the issues surrounding the infidelity and the first separation. We moved on, but I never really trusted after that, and slowly an emotional wedge dropped in. There is way more to it, but suffice it to say, neither one of us really did enough to keep the marriage going strong. We slipped back into old habits. Then he started to travel again, and finally, he's strayed again. I could forgive the first time, but not this time. 

With that, I urge you to first, really take a look at how much you want to be married to your W, or is it the pain of it all? Second, really find out what went wrong and why, and take an honest look at it and figure out if and how you can fix that (from both sides). Finally, if you do reconcile, make sure you really pay attention and never let the same things happen again or you will only be delaying the inevitable. 

It is very hard to take an honest and objective look at yourself and your marriage, but you have to do that in order to either try to fix things, or make a decision yourself to get out. Rugs suggested filing for divorce and then you'll know... but I disagree. That could push someone who is waffling further away from you instead of scaring them back to you, IMHO. I'm not an expert by any means, but in my own experience, if I had filed or forced the issue, it would have driven my H right into the arms of the OW. I really, really, did NOT want to do that.


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

Awesome post.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Some Plan B red flags would be not breaking of contact with a pos OM, not willing to give access to all communications, not willing to work on the marriage(ie MC, etc), depending on you for funds for her lifestyle.

Basically anything that is her keeping you and anyone else on the hook.

Cautious but optimistic.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

stretch, I sent you a message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Limbo is a horrible place to be. I have been there for 6 months, just praying and waiting for my husband to change his mind after advising he wanted a divorce. We have been officially separated since our house sold on October 15, 2013 and as I have been awaiting some miraculous wide awakening from my husband, it has not happened.

Therefore, I made the recent decision to consult an attorney and file for the divorce myself as much as it breaks my heart to do so. I cannot continue to live in false hope. I have made every effort to try to reconcile. I reach out to him, tell him I love him every day, I go to individual counseling and continue to work on myself, all the while waiting in the wings in case he realizes the error he made.

I have to love myself more than him. It has been far too long since I chose me...


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

Why did he not file? Did he ever say why? Did he every once in a while throw stuff out that kinda would reel you back in?


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

I am not sure why he has not made the effort to file yet. From the moment he said he wanted a divorce, it has been nothing but mixed signals for the past 6 months. One day he would tell me he loved me - the next day, he would stomp around the house, either ignoring me or starting arguments with me. Truth be told, I never knew which husband I was going to get 

Even after we sold the house and separated, he and I would still meet up for a drink or something to eat to talk and keep the lines of communication open. I firmly believe now that he wasn't interested in reconciling or possibly fixing the problems in our marriage. He liked knowing that I was still around for him, when the mood suited him.

However, I cannot continue to sit and wait for someone who may or may not realize their wife and marriage should have been more important than a throw caution to the wind divorce suggestion.


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

why am I in limbo? I am allowing this to happen but Im trying to be patient for reconciliation.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Have you talked to your W about R at all? If not, maybe sitting down and having a conversation about it will help? Possibly even doing it at MC so there is a neutral party to help direct the conversation?

Filing for divorce to shock her into working on the marriage sounds a little extreme.. It's been months since you guys separated, how does she act towards you? Are there any indicators that she still wants to be with you, or has she completely disconnected?

Being in limbo does suck, but just know this. It is your decision to stay in limbo, not hers. Don't give her the power. If you want to work on your M and can wait patiently while she comes around, do that. Implement the 180, work on yourself, do what makes you happy. She will either see the difference and be curious, possibly open to R.. Or she won't notice, and will keep doing whatever she is doing. Either way, you'll be ok because you're taking care of yourself.

I would suggest talking to her though. I thought my H had given up on our M.. The night I told him he needed to choose R or D, I was shocked that he wanted to R and found out a few days later that D was never even on the table in his mind. Some people just need space.. 

Good luck to you, I will say a prayer that you get some answers and some clarity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hiking (Nov 6, 2013)

She doesnt metion divorce but doesnt mention R either. Every once in a while throws out an I miss you or I have hope etc but for the most part it is just kinda in limbo nothing in any direction alot of times she says she just doesnt know.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

SawbladeLily said:


> I know the EXACT feeling you have. This happened to me about 12 years ago, but we stayed married, only to now be going through a divorce.
> Here's a little more detail and some of my reflections now:
> 
> My H has always traveled for work, so away a lot. One trip at home 12 years ago, he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. But he wouldn't give anything concrete, and the more I asked, the more he said "I don't know". It was hell on earth not knowing, not having him home every day to see physical reactions to conversations (rather than emails), plus I had two little kids to take care of. I was a mess and largely functioned in a fog. I suspected an OW. I snooped and snooped and finally found out the who and what. At this point, I had to make a decision. Do I fight for it or do I be the one to pull the plug? I chose to work for it. But I did not directly confront him and force the issue. I stepped back, and the most important thing I did was to look at MYSELF and really looked at what could be better from my perspective in the relationship. I became more secure and confident, and I made a decision that I was either going to win him back, or I would move on positively. I was not going to wallow in it and LET him make me a mess. That was a real turn around. He noticed. In the end, he chose to stay and work on the marriage. After he chose to stay, we talked about what I needed in order to stay in the marriage as well, and then we made some changes to our lifestyle. I didn't make any demands about myself, until I was sure he was ready to commit to staying with me.
> ...



:iagree:

So wise!!! Words I am going to live by! Thx!

~sammy


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

slb121 said:


> I am not sure why he has not made the effort to file yet. From the moment he said he wanted a divorce, it has been nothing but mixed signals for the past 6 months. One day he would tell me he loved me - the next day, he would stomp around the house, either ignoring me or starting arguments with me. Truth be told, I never knew which husband I was going to get
> 
> Even after we sold the house and separated, he and I would still meet up for a drink or something to eat to talk and keep the lines of communication open. I firmly believe now that he wasn't interested in reconciling or possibly fixing the problems in our marriage. He liked knowing that I was still around for him, when the mood suited him.
> 
> However, I cannot continue to sit and wait for someone who may or may not realize their wife and marriage should have been more important than a throw caution to the wind divorce suggestion.


I'm no expert here (I am going through this myself for the first, and hopefully only time now), but it sounds like you are feeling as if you are Plan B. That feeling was my single biggest reason to move forward with my D (that, plus an overall very favorable settlement structure with STBXW). Stay strong. We've all made mistakes and those who are left by a WAS will understandably blame themselves. I think we blame ourselves too much....remember, you were in a partnership and that involves two people. You deserve to be the first and only option to someone whom you can trust and give to. 

Limbo sucks and is an extremely painful place to be. My best wishes in moving out of this place in the near future.


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