# Help - DK What To Do



## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I'm devastated.

My heart is breaking into million pieces yet again for the 100th time this month and it's not even end of February.

Oh I wish my husband wasn't like this but he is ... for whatever reason and it's making me not want to sleep in the same bed as him. We've been married for 7 years this year but we've known each other for 12. 

Basically, the main issue that I understand is that we're not compatible in bed and it is making him so frustrated. It's making me frustrated too so I was trying to work it out with him.

Last January, one of his friends roomed with us and she was paying her rent that was enough up to March. I thought they were simply friends but over that weekend while we were getting her stuff in our only car, my husband got blitzed and he confessed that she was one of his ex girlfriends. The only reason why they broke up was because she came out of closet as a lesbian. That was over a decade ago.

The weekend after that was the convention. my husband was being difficult there causing so much drama. On the day we left for the convention, he confessed to me that he would like to have a threesome with me and the girl rooming with us. Or something to spice up our sex life. I had to hide my feelings the entire weekend and showed only anger when he was being unreasonable when he overreacted to something. That's another story for another time. Anyways. While driving, he asked one of my friends who hitched a ride if she wanted to do a threesome with me and him. WTF? I laughed it off with her and told her that he was joking (behind his back) but inside I was seriously upset. I had resolved to talk to him about it, but he would not quit the entire weekend.

When we came back, I decided that it was it. My heart was shattered because of all the things he was saying and doing. So totally not the guy that I married.

After I spent a few weeks in a fog, my husband and I talked it out and I thought everything was resolved. I told him I did not want a threesome or even consider doing something out of our relationship for his own sake and his high drive. 

The week before Valentine's Day, at his doctor's appointment he dragged me with him - and he asked our doctor right in front of me - on what we could do to increase MY sex drive and/or even decrease HIS sex drive. She basically looked at him like he had two heads and said that he had to lose weight first and then see from there since the solutions were not reversible and he was already on antidepressants.

The next day, I had to go back to the Dr. because I had a severe sinus infection and thank god I went alone. I don't think I could have put up with his crap for another second in terms of sex, sex and sex because he still wouldn't quit talking about it. I got antibiotics and on the way back home, my husband asked me to pick up birth control for the roommate. So, I went to the pharmacy and picked up my antibiotics and the birth control. I was not happy but I decided to try to extend an olive branch since I thought everything was behind us since he was back to his old self by then. Some things still nagged at me.

I couldn't sleep all night. I went through all the things that happened since January. Every time I try to do independent things, he tries to bring me back in either by blowing money on things when I got more money coming in and saying we needed to focus on paying debt back. How is it that we're blowing money on electronics and stuff while we're focusing on debt? And especially with our bills increased due to the roommate living with us in the guest room ... it's going a lot quicker to the zero balance.

I started looking things up in terms of that and found this forums that dealt with that issue. And I started reading more and more - those people I read about, they had found out that their spouses were cheating on them and reacting with the same characteristics that my husband was exhibiting. I could not sleep until 6 AM and got up at 8:00AM for my tutoring session then teaching class. At that point I decided to check his computer since he often uses text and IMs to communicate with me and the roommate while they were out playing faux poker at a restaurant. That was two days ago.

I found the history and printed 36 pages worth of conversations since December and I started reading.

He has been hitting on her and asking her for "favors". I don't know if she agreed to it or not because she has not been responding to him in text. I can only assume after that point it was verbal but it seemed that she was turning it down and he wouldn't stop.

Until Tuesday night when he asked her "if she did". She responded, "Not really. Just a little." then he proceeds to type sexually inferred things. At that point of reading, I started to cry.

I continued reading in my tears. Apparently when I was taking a nap after teaching class since I had only two hours worth of sleep, and he was working from home. He IMs the roommate asking her to bring down the "toy" since he started watching dirty videos and could not get his mind off things. He said he didn't like going solo and he was basically asking her to join him. She says she'll clean off the toy and head down. That's the last of the conversation that I saw of after the print.

I just opened my own banking account and started direct deposit of my pay allocated 50% to my joint and 50% to my own. I don't want him to become suspicious or anything. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I really do not think I am because it has been going on since the end of December on his part from what I can see of.

I am just really heart-broken. I'm even slowly packing things and sorting clothes out to donate to goodwill since I do not want my vehicle to be full when I do eventually decide to leave if things gets worse. I had allowed her to move in since we needed the money and I had believed that things were platonic between him and the roommate. I guess I tried to think too much of positive with them since last time he did something similar to this was 6 years ago and he immediately confessed after in tears. This time? He's not sorry at all. He even admitted that he might be like his dad because of his drive but he tried to justify what he was doing since January (asking me for threesomes, etc.) saying that all he wanted was sex. He consider sex as separate from love and he says he loves me. So, I'm so confused but I do know that with what is going on now, I can't handle it anymore.

I've stepped back and started to focus on my things. I've asked him to do marriage counseling with me but he refuses. He prefers to look through the web and start doing the "6 steps to repairing a marriage" thing while I would like to talk to a counselor. I don't know what else can I do? 

I read about the thermometer thing - I'm the cold one, and he's the hot one. Sometimes, we reverse roles but often, he's hot. I've tried to turn up the temperature even though it's so hard. After a while, I can't keep up so I have to step back. This is what is causing the original issue.

I'm still in love with him but every time I see something that bothers me despite me talking to him about it, it makes me want to love him less. 

Help is appreciated.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm not sure what your question is.

If your husband is unwilling to stop his inappropriate behavior, then you have to decide whether you will tolerate it, or not. If not, then you need to move toward divorce.

And you need to get your roommate out ASAP.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

I guess my main two questions are:

Was it my fault? I've been trying to work with him in terms of sex issues but I don't think it was enough as evidenced by his recent correspondence.

My second question is - what to do next? I'm not going to the divorce step just yet - I really want to work on this marriage but I don't know if my husband is willing to work on it. I want to go to marriage counseling with him but if he's not willing, then what next?

I've asked him last night if he tried anything with the roommate. He said no with a "shocked" expression and he added that she doesn't like PIV and that she is a lesbian after all. I just looked at him and said, "Okay." He then added, "I was horny earlier... I couldn't wait so I just went ahead and masturbated. I don't think a threesome will happen in order to spice up our sex life so I've decided to forget it."

Nothing about the roommate!! Nothing about asking her for "favors'!! So, I think this is what you guys call, "truth trickling"? I absolutely hate that.

Last night, I asked the roommate on how she was settling in because from what I read of the conversation, she appeared to be slightly uncomfortable. It was late at night so I decided to IM her instead since she was sleeping at that time. This morning I wake up to an IM from her saying she was settling in just fine and that she was happy. I'm thinking I have to ask her directly if my husband is making her feel uncomfortable. If I decide to not have her under this house anymore, she does not have transportation except for the local bus system here. He will fight to have her stay here. He did that with me when I confronted him when he was talking to one of my friends and he mentioned that the roommate would be here for a while, maybe few years. I was like, "Wait, a few years? I thought until she got a job and got back on her feet." He looked at me then decided to change the topic.

In any case, I've checked the conversation log again when he's out of the house - and nothing sexual since that night. I want to know if it wasn't something he deliberately thought about - just in the moment - or is there more behind to this story?

I'm not a man, obviously ... so I want advice on how to proceed before truly considering going the divorce route.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How often are they the only two in the house? Does he stay up after you go to bed?

You may need to hide some VARs around the house.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

first off, you're actually handling this pretty well. most of the betrayed are lost in their own fog....that doesn't seem to be the case here. you've kept a level head.

now....just to reassure you, it's not your fault. it's all on him. these things could've been worked on, before he decided to cheat on you. 

furtheremore, it soesn't seem your husband is the least bit remorseful for his actions. he's actually justifying them by blaming his cheating ways to hereditary traits.... what a sick joke.

i suggest you dump his cheating ass asap. 

first he lied to you about his intentions toward your roomie. he was just setting up a possible threesome sitch here. when he saw it wasn't going to work out, he proceeded to initiate an affair.

now, he's making you think there's something wrong with you.... he's guilting you into submission- not cool!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Personnally this is a disaster ready to happen though I suspect it already has. Honestly, why would you allow another woman into your home knowing:

a. Your husband wants a three way.
b. He claims he is over sexed.
c. She was an ex-girl friend
d. He said he didn't like going solo and he was basically asking her to join him. She says she'll clean off the toy and head down. That's the last of the conversation that I saw of after the print.

And i could go on.

You already know. You are preparing yourself.

Your husband is a pig.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I can't hide VARs because I'm deaf so that's a no go. Unless I get to have a hearing friend of mine to interpret what is happening and I really do not want to bring my friends in this situation. Nor family. My sister knows since we have only one car and if needed, she can come down from her place three hours away to get me and my packed stuff.

The threesome thing didn't come up until she moved here. She was the one who brought up the idea, according to my husband. I had already told him no. 

I didn't know she was an ex until he brought it up at dinner in the city where she was living (7 hours away) and we had already put her stuff in the car.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Regina007 said:


> I guess my main two questions are:
> 
> Was it my fault? I've been trying to work with him in terms of sex issues but I don't think it was enough as evidenced by his recent correspondence.


The simplest answer is to say that you are responsible, along with your husband, for the state of your marriage before an affair. But your husband is responsible for an affair. There are other options available to him. If he had come to you and told you that he was on the verge of cheating, I'm sure it would have shocked you enough to jump into working on the marriage with both feet. Or, he could have simply said that it's not working out and divorced you. Any sex after that point wouldn't have felt like such a betrayal.

Now, if your husband wanted sex and you turned him down every time, then it may be more understandable that your husband went outside the marriage for sex. Not right, but understandable.

But I don't think that's your issue. It sounded like your husband was just a jerk who wanted threesomes and you were the prude who didn't want another woman involved in your marriage. If that's the case, then you had no legitimate choice to make, either consent to let another woman have sex with your husband, or he'll do it anyway. That's not a choice.



Regina007 said:


> My second question is - what to do next? I'm not going to the divorce step just yet - I really want to work on this marriage but I don't know if my husband is willing to work on it. I want to go to marriage counseling with him but if he's not willing, then what next?


You can't force him to work on the marriage. You have to decide what you're willing to accept and what you're unwilling to accept. Worst case scenario is that your husband denies any wrongdoing and is unwilling to change his behavior. Best case scenario is that he realizes how much he hurt you and works to reassure you that he will reform. He will probably do something in between those two extremes. You have to decide how much he has to do for you to stay. And then you have to enforce the boundaries that you set for yourself.



Regina007 said:


> I've asked him last night if he tried anything with the roommate. He said no with a "shocked" expression and he added that she doesn't like PIV and that she is a lesbian after all. I just looked at him and said, "Okay." He then added, "I was horny earlier... I couldn't wait so I just went ahead and masturbated. I don't think a threesome will happen in order to spice up our sex life so I've decided to forget it."
> 
> Nothing about the roommate!! Nothing about asking her for "favors'!! So, I think this is what you guys call, "truth trickling"? I absolutely hate that.


You should hate it. But it's standard. Your husband will likely only admit to what he knows that you know. If you don't want to acknowledge how much you know, get ready for him to lie to your face. Sorry.



Regina007 said:


> If I decide to not have her under this house anymore, she does not have transportation except for the local bus system here. He will fight to have her stay here. He did that with me when I confronted him when he was talking to one of my friends and he mentioned that the roommate would be here for a while, maybe few years. I was like, "Wait, a few years? I thought until she got a job and got back on her feet." He looked at me then decided to change the topic.


No offense, but that's pathetic. Your marriage is crumbling and your worried that your husband's ex-girlfriend, who you know is doing inappropriate things with your husband, perhaps even having sex with him, will have to take the bus? Grow a pair and kick her to the curb!



Regina007 said:


> In any case, I've checked the conversation log again when he's out of the house - and nothing sexual since that night. I want to know if it wasn't something he deliberately thought about - just in the moment - or is there more behind to this story?
> 
> I'm not a man, obviously ... so I want advice on how to proceed before truly considering going the divorce route.


Your husband has given you plenty of heads up. He asked, repeatedly, for a threesome. Then he maneuvered his ex into living with you and started talking to her about threesomes. That kind of behavior won't go away until you make it go away. So you need to either make it go away, or learn to be happy about living with it.

Something else you need to do is to run the 180 on him. It's useful for betrayed spouses when the disloyal spouse is reluctant to work on the relationship. It means that you change your behaviors 180 degrees from what hasn't worked in the past. Basically, you start working on yourself and detaching from your husband. Sometimes, the disloyal spouse notices this, recognizes that he/she is in danger of losing the relationship, and recommits to the marriage. However, if that doesn't happen, the 180 still makes the eventual divorce easier to handle emotionally.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you for your honesty, PHTlump.

The sex issue is our fault, I do agree. That is why I was trying to improve myself in bed since he is the "hot" one while I'm the "cold" one. Sadly, it's difficult for some sex positions since he's heavy. I've tried to work with him on that one but often he just prefers only two positions and that's it. No spicing up.

I have not turned him down every time he has asked for sex. I've gone along with it, and in some cases, initiated it. According to him, it's not enough. He only brought up the threesome after the roommate moved in so it's something new and not something I would pursue.

If I wanted to be mean, I would take the car and leave both of them to use the bus. The problem is the pets - we have a dog and two rabbits - recently our dog had a severe allergic reaction to something so we had to drive to the nearest emergency vet that was open at 3am - and that was around 30 minutes away and not accessible by bus. I don't want to put difficulty on our pets just because of my husband's actions. I could consider bringing them with me if I do leave though since it often falls on me to take care of them.

I'll check the 180 out. Thank you for the link.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> How often are they the only two in the house? Does he stay up after you go to bed?
> 
> You may need to hide some VARs around the house.


Ugh, I need to learn how to multi-quote. Sorry for my multiple posts.

I realized I forgot to answer your first two questions. It's quite often since my husband works at home and the roommate does not use the bus to look for jobs - it's not like New York City where she came from where buses are plentiful. I'm often out teaching at two different locations so I'm usually out from 10am to 7:30pm except for Fridays.

I'm planning on bringing that up when they do come back because it is not right for her to stay around all day and do nothing except for electronically submitting job applications and allowing my husband to do what he has been doing through IMs or waiting for him to drive her around. Most of the time, when they do go out - I go with them.

To your bed question - in most cases, he is often in bed before I do because I teach and I often have to bring my work home and this week was the midterms so that's why I was so tired lately because I was up late grading things.

However, when I do go to bed - he's still awake - just watching videos on his phone. That's usually when we do things. He did start to admit he was using porn - but according to him - to get ideas on how to spice up things. So far ... nothing except for that threesome idea and that was the idea the roommate brought up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So there is plenty of time to be having sex at home when you are not there. I'm guessing thats why they stopped IMing. How did you get the idea she was a lesbian? Does she bring girlfriends home? Are your husband and her also deaf?


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> So there is plenty of time to be having sex at home when you are not there. I'm guessing thats why they stopped IMing. How did you get the idea she was a lesbian? Does she bring girlfriends home? Are your husband and her also deaf?


No, my husband and the roommate aren't deaf. He said that she is a lesbian and she confirmed it several times. She does not have a girlfriend from what I know of.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Hi Regina. Sorry to read your story. Please don't be insulted but he comes across as a very selfish AH, to me. 

Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake or I'm missing something but, why would he ask you to pick up birth control for your roommate if she's a lesbian?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regina007 said:


> No, my husband and the roommate aren't deaf. He said that she is a lesbian and she confirmed it several times. She does not have a girlfriend from what I know of.


The reason I asked was this could have been a setup from the beginning. The two of them could be cheating and the only evidence she is a lesbian is they told you. However, she agreed to masturbate together with him. Am I mistaken? 

I thing you need to google hidden spy cameras.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Mario Kempes said:


> Hi Regina. Sorry to read your story. Please don't be insulted but he comes across as a very selfish AH, to me.
> 
> Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake or I'm missing something but, why would he ask you to pick up birth control for your roommate if she's a lesbian?


I wondered the same thing. She did mention having some issues with her cycles so it's probably that. I didn't go in depth since I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.



chapparal said:


> The reason I asked was this could have been a setup from the beginning. The two of them could be cheating and the only evidence she is a lesbian is they told you. However, she agreed to masturbate together with him. Am I mistaken?
> 
> I thing you need to google hidden spy cameras.


There are actually cameras in his office, the pets area, and the hallway. The problem is that they're still pictures, not moving. They do not get "saved" per se. What they do is to take a snapshot and show the snapshot until the next snapshot. It overwrites the old one then.

She didn't show any agreement because my husband closed the IM session when she said she was going down to the basement. So I don't know if she just simply dropped off the toy and went back upstairs or did "help". 

Edit to add in regards to the last paragraph: I don't know if that shows that my husband is really having an affair of some sort - that's why I posted the background information. From the responses that I have read, it looks like he's trying to initiate one.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Regina007 said:


> I wondered the same thing. She did mention having some issues with her cycles so it's probably that. I didn't go in depth since I didn't want to make her feel uncomforable.


Thanks for explaining that, Regina. I hope things work out for you but, to be honest, having read your post, I think you deserve much better than this guy. If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you to leave him. Best of luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

:slap: OMG 




Mario Kempes said:


> Hi Regina. Sorry to read your story. Please don't be insulted but he comes across as a very selfish AH, to me.
> 
> Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake or I'm missing something but, why would he ask you to pick up birth control for your roommate if she's a lesbian
> 
> QUOTE]


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Chapparal, why the emoticon?

An update - I got invited to dinner at a co-worker's house yesterday (incidentally she and I are very good friends) and she said it was going to be a girls' day. The funny thing is she felt that I really needed it for some reason. I hadn't told a soul except for my sister and you guys. She told me later on after I told her why that she felt I needed it but she didn't know why then. She could see how I was acting and it was very unlike me. She will help me out whenever I needed it. For that I am very grateful. I have known her for around ten years so I know she will not talk about it to others.

My husband has moved the cameras to his office, the pets room and the utility room instead of having one of the cameras be showing my office. Not sure why. I think it is because I asked him about the webcams and if they were still overwriting stuff because I had noticed nothing was changing but in actuality, the cams had stopped recording since last fall(!!!)... 

I'm considering following one of your advice and getting a camera for the master bedroom after I get paid. Are there any types that can record things for longer period of time than 5 hours?

One thing I have noticed for SURE is that my husband is being very clingy to his phone. He will bring it in the bathroom with him even for a shower scratchhead ... that's not like him He used to leave his phone on his nightstand whenever he took a shower. It makes me feel like he has some things on there that he does not want me to see so he's carrying it everywhere. For example, I'm cleaning my office and he is working on tech stuff in the adjacent space with the door open (and yes, the girl is watching him do the stuff - he is making her do things like cleaning up or even cook meals) - he went upstairs after telling the roommate to put a specific stack of stuff in another area. She did that then went upstairs. I decided to check the adjacent room to see if he had left his phone. Not 60 seconds later after I stood up from my chair (it creaks), he gets back downstairs and straight back into the adjacent room and he's still there. 

I don't want to be paranoid but what more else can I do other than confronting him with the text evidence when it does not even show concretely that she did do what he was asking her to do? 

One better update before I sign off - the roommate is going to be out all day on Monday looking for a job so at least she'll be out of the house for longer than she has been in it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

R-
Get a VAR and copy information to a CD and send it to your sis. It will be your sister that will tell you if she needs to come down and get you out of that house. 

You can't hear and these evil poeple are using this against you. The VAR will tell your sister all you need to know. It will make it much easier to move on once your sister tells you whats really going on.

Please use the VAR they are the best tool when it comes to things like this.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I wouldn't know where to look for a VAR I can buy in person. The ones I've seen while looking around online are all voice recorders where you press record, not the ones that start when a voice activates it.

Sorry to be asking so many questions but I admit I am clueless on how to do things in regards to hearing. Any suggestion on a relatively inexpensive VAR I can find such at a Radio Shack or something?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regina007 said:


> I wouldn't know where to look for a VAR I can buy in person. The ones I've seen while looking around online are all voice recorders where you press record, not the ones that start when a voice activates it.
> 
> Sorry to be asking so many questions but I admit I am clueless on how to do things in regards to hearing. Any suggestion on a relatively inexpensive VAR I can find such at a Radio Shack or something?


The head slap was for me not catching the fact you were picking up birth control for a lesbian. Coincidence?

VARs can be bought for$35-55 at Bestbuy and Walmart. You might have to have some one di the settings, IDK.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Here's an update. 

My husband and I have scheduled a couples' night out - just him and me out of this house - this week to go watch some risque movies to see if that will help our overall moods. I told him about me finding the bit and he was upset at first for violating his privacy. I explained why and reminded him that we had agreed on being able to check each others' computers and phones at any time. He backed down slightly and we had a long talk. He said that the roommate told him no when she came down to drop off the sex toy and she had walked away. So basically he blurted some things out before even thinking things through or thinking of consequences.

I told him again that we should go see a marriage counselor. He made it clear that he is determined to make this work. I'll see if he will walk the talk. I also told him that we need to let the roommate go out and do some job searching instead of depending on me or him for rides. He also has to stop asking her to do things around the house because of that. He admitted he didn't realize he was asking a lot of things from her until I brought it up. 

I do know that if I see something untoward then I am ready to spend a weekend at my sister's since a lot of things have been squared away.

Should I continue doing the 180 even with this reconciliation until our relationship improves?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Regina007 said:


> Should I continue doing the 180 even with this reconciliation until our relationship improves?


Part of the 180 says that you should believe nothing that your spouse says and only half of what he does. Since your husband is only talking correctly at this point, I would wait until his actions, verified by you, match his words. If he gets his ex out of your house and commits to you, then end your 180.

Good luck.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Here's an update since then. My husband and I went to England for 10 days on March 15. It was so wonderful because it was just him and me. We became closer and he began to act like his old self. We came home on the 26th. For a week or two, he actually helped around the house and even took in projects. 

After then, it has gone downhill. He began acting more moody and demanding in terms of sexual things -much similar to last February. I didnt like that and to make matters worse, his friend got a job but my husband offered to drop her off and pick her up to/from work. She even asked for a back massage one evening after he had picked her up from work and I caught him doing it to her right in the adjacent office. I was furious and confronted him in private. He insisted it was nothing and it was PG rated plus it was done where I could see them. I explained that there were boundaries and I felt he had crossed some. He told me he didnt think he had. I started planning on visiting my twin sister the following Fridaythe but my boss at work scheduled interviews on that day and I was required to show up despite my Fridays being usually off.

The interviews lasted longer than originally thought -three Fridays. I also have noticed she began touching me into totally inappropriate ways eg my waist or my neck in front of my husband. I try to make my body language clear but I haven't asked her because he will blow up atto me andto cause me a guilt trip like he had about thet back massage. 

Then last week my husband gets fired from work for his outbursts. This entire week I have been working from 8 to 5 due to this week being last for the semester. My husband hasn't gotten a job but he has been searching. Each time he got a contact back he would forward those to me... and then to the friend. I found out after looking at his emails after he blew up at me for no reason and now on Skype I find last friday he asks her for motivation and his next message was removed for some reason. Wtf?? I can't even look on his computer because he reformatted it after I confronted him after D-Day. He then reformatted it again last week after being fired. 

He has been up late and each time I've returned home from my 8 to 5, if friend has no work scheduled, I see her in my husband's office. This is making me so uncomfortable. He hasn't gotten to bed like usual. For instance he hasn't yet at 1:40am again and now I'm thinking I am done.

I am done walking on eggshells. I'm reinstituting the 180 and I am not sure about my finances because all of my pay as a part time is now going to bills because my husband got himself fired. I am done with the friend or roommate or whatever floats his boat creeping me out. I am done waiting for him.

Just thought to update and my apologies if there's added nonsensical words since I am using my phone.

Any advice on how I can stop feeling so damn guilty and angry that I am always suspicious now would be welcomed as well as how to do the 180 effectively. I do have the website regarding the 180 but not sure how to institute it with the current situation.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

To add before I have to get up early again for long day, I haven't explicitly told her to stop touching me inappropriately way because my husband has made it to look she was very sensitive to criticisms and she does act vulnerable. I am done with this. If she does it again, I am telling her straight out to stop it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Implement and follow the principles in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Regina007 said:


> Any advice on how I can stop feeling so damn guilty and angry that I am always suspicious now would be welcomed as well as how to do the 180 effectively. I do have the website regarding the 180 but not sure how to institute it with the current situation.


You can stop feeling suspicious because you don't have to worry whether it is an inappropriate relationship. It's obviously an inappropriate relationship. Although your husband has the decency to not bang her in the living room while you're home, he's obviously having sex with her, or planning to. He is being courteous enough to make it obvious so that you're not surprised when you walk in on them one day when you're home from work early. Athol Kay had a rule of thumb that I think is pretty good. If a woman comes to stay in your house for longer than a few days (say a week), then you are implicitly giving your husband permission to bang her. If you don't want your husband to bang her, then get her out of the house. If you feel powerless to stop him, then get both of them out of the house.

As for how to do the 180 effectively, just do it. Start treating your husband like a roommate. No sex. No nagging. No complaining. He gives what he wants and you give nothing. Don't cook for him. Don't clean for him. Don't shop for him. Don't talk to him much. If he wants a wife, he can restructure his life to be wife-friendly by kicking his ex out of the house.

Good luck.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Regina, it is highly likely that your husband and her are having an affair. He brought her in your home lying to you that she is a lesbian, and her touching you and him ignoring it is just their plan to have threesome with you. Your husband could have told her to do this.

If I were you, I would pack her bags and throw her out yesterday. I do not need cameras and spying things, she is the third person in your marriage. 

I would also have never agreed to have a female in my house unless my children were dying from starvation and I needed her rental money to feed them.
If your husband is against it, pack his bag too. 

If he agrees for her to move out, then find a good MC that can help you overcome the sexual problems you and your husband have. I do not see a third option.......

I am sorry to be so blunt.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MY GOD this is totally unacceptable. *I am the father of two grown daughters* and if they were to find themselves in your situation I would have a good talk with them to make them see that they did not have to put up with such disrespectful behavior. 

As a man, and loving father of two girls, *no man is worth such grievous behavior*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you ever hide a VAR in his offoce?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> He brought her in your home lying to you that she is a lesbian, and her touching you and him ignoring it is just their plan to have threesome with you. Your husband could have told her to do this.


That is exactly what jumped out at me.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Regina, you have every right to be angry! I'm angry just reading your thread. Your husband is a complete jerk. The situation in which you are living is abusive. The only way an abused spouse can survive is to GET OUT! Please take a hard look at yourself and the crap you are tolerating. You deserve much better.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I haven't gotten a VAR because I don't know how to operate it and how long it will last because my husband is constantly playing music / television in the office and the living room so if it is voice-activated, it'll be constantly activated due to those two reasons. Those were the two cons I found last February when I began posting here. So I've been watching his actions, behavior, and words as well as the roommate's. While we were in England, he was just like the man I married but when we came back, he became a completely different man, just like how he was last Feb. So I am done with the Jekyll/Hyde thing.

I found out why he came to bed so late - he had a job interview at 1:30am with a company with 8 hours time zone difference for a temporary 1-3 months job but the problem is that he may have to relocate for those months to be on-site. It is with the company he used to work for (at home) before he got laid off (and then found the former job he was fired from). 

So we'll see what happens. I found chat transcripts between the CEO of the company and him so it pretty much correlates with the time of interview and the length.

Tiberus, I agree with you. She IS the third person because he vents to her more - talks to her more, etc. than he does with me.  Now that he has been fired and gaining no income, we're stuck with my part-time pay that does not even cover even 50% of the bills and relying on her rent money for 25% leaving the other 25% unpaid for June if he does not get a job within this month. 

If he hadn't been fired, I would have asked her to get her temps, a car, and a place to live within the month. As it is, she is getting her temps today - *or is supposed to* - I am not going back home until 5 due to work so she will have to find a way to get to the DMV with the local buses. 

One good thing is that I get around three weeks worth of vacation so I will be home more often and getting my businesses in order. I've already created another account for myself last February when the D-Day happened and my husband is fully aware of that so he can't claim deceit on my part - and I have less than $100 in there due to this situation. But as I said before, I am done. So I already have put in a HR request to reverse the % so 90% is going now to this account instead of our joint since I will not be paid again until end of June and we have enough as it is for this month.

Moritus - thank you for the 180 link again as well as Letting Them Go. I have started the 180 last night when I decided I was done. Doesn't matter that he had a second part job interview at 1:30a - and he did remind me beforehand but I plumb forgot until I saw the chat transcripts this morning. 

He has been up late and to bed late more than often recently and I just remembered now. I even caught him at 4:15am a few nights ago with the friend in the office chatting when I woke up with hives/welts caused from all the stress of him being fired, being dependent on myself for all the bills, and some from the accursed mosquitoes. I needed to get a cup of water and went downstairs to look for my husband since he wasn't in bed so I wanted to get him when I saw them in the office. 4:15am!!! I asked him about that and he told me that she wanted to vent to him because her gf had broken up with her when the gf called at 1...

All those evidences are still becoming so damning when I type this all out. So yes, I agree with Tiberus - I don't need VARs now. All I have is behavioral observation and this is very very damning for the friend and I suspect that it was her agenda all along since I did predict this when I was talking to my twin sister because my husband isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the bunch when it comes to internal agendas / social interactions. That I've observed so many times with him during the 12 years I've known him. He tend to think there aren't any inside messages in actions from other people until I point them out and he denies it until it really happens. Again, he's not very savvy with social messages. He will try to make EVERYONE happy at his own expense. I think this is what is happening here with the friend because he wants to make her happy and as well as me being happy. He has said this many times that all he wants is to have me be happy. That's another subject that I am becoming suspicious of (e.g. ILYBNILWY).

I am getting even more angry now so I have to stop writing this at work since I have several meetings coming up. Ugh.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Better yet - should I just allocate ALL of my pay to my account instead of giving some to the joint? As I said, we have enough to cover for May's bills but for June - nothing.

My pay will just be enough for me to pick up things and drive to either my twin sister's place or my parents' several states away if needed.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Regina007 said:


> No, my husband and the roommate aren't deaf. He said that she is a lesbian and she confirmed it several times. She does not have a girlfriend from what I know of.


If she is a lesbian why does she need birth control?

EDIT: I see someone has asked that already, sorry.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> If she is a lesbian why does she need birth control?
> 
> EDIT: I see someone has asked that already, sorry.


Yeah and I answered that question. It's to help lessen cramps... Believe it or not, the pill is not used just for birth control but for hormone regulations. I was on it before just for that purpose too.

My husband is acting so odd today - he told me he got the job and is acting so much more affectionate towards me. :scratchhead:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

All your questions would have been answered with a VAR. I'm sure they turn down the music late at night or if they are listening for your return.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> All your questions would have been answered with a VAR. I'm sure they turn down the music late at night or if they are listening for your return.


Mods - sorry if I offend anyone with the adult-language but there you have it - ...  And to the readers, I apologize in advance if this post had gotten so long.

I found some VARs online that I think I can afford - need 3 for the commonly sighted "shadow" of my husband - his office, the living room, and the car but it has to be ordered online and my husband goes through EVERY mail, even with my mail plus my Amazon boxes I order. So I might have to go out and physically purchase a more expensive model.  and I can't afford the $50+ ones since I won't get paid til the 15th.

I asked my twin sister if she could help me with this and she doesn't think I need a VAR at all. She thinks I need to get an apartment. With what money? I asked her. My students loans is more than 60% of my pay. Believe it or not, teaching part-time at an university is not a good pay at all with a no Ph.D. I've been supplementing with tutoring on the side but it's still not enough.

When I find a way, I will use it. For now, I'm trying to save up and it's hard. And she made me second-guess myself with the VAR thing since she will not help me. She has a black and white view and she thinks I should either kick the friend out or I move out. With that said, I am starting to think either I am going crazy imagining those things or I'm absolutely sane. I don't know which I am at this point. 

I didn't mention this last night because I was still trying to process it. After the phone texts, I decided it's more relevant now.

Last night we went out to a Mexican restaurant to celebrate because husband wanted to and of course it was with friend coming. So I ordered a large pitcher of strawberry margarita - 6 servings worth - with large margarita cups in the hopes that it would loosen their tongues up - and boy, did it ever. 

Husband downed 2 within 5 mins. The friend downed 2 within the same time frame. I had only one and was drinking slowly on the 2nd. They got very tipsy because it was very strong and it was on empty stomachs. 

He would say jokes and she would laugh. I asked him why are you making her laugh - he said it was nice to have her laugh once in a while. After that, they started talking about sex and the friend asked me and my husband something using her hands - it was explicit and he was like, "Oh yeah you want to watch us do it and chaperone, huh?" - at that point I simply said, "No." and after that I just ignored them because it was not very appropriate for a RESTAURANT to talk about sex. I was very short with them and they changed to different topics. And yes, I drove us all home because I have a high tolerance for alcohol and they voted I be a designated driver. 

If I had a choice, I would have left her at the restaurant and have her foot it all the 4 miles way back home. And EVEN if I had a choice, I kept reading the posts in CWI that says no heavy drinking during this phase to keep a clear head. And I want to keep a clear head but with me feeling like I am going crazy / misjudging / etc. it's getting hard, especially with the 180 I am doing since Thursday.

I stayed up until he went to bed under guise of doing work because I did not trust his judgment nor hers because of the alcohol. At 4am, he finally went to bed even though she was up and walking around with her leftovers. I was relieved until I found my husband's phone today. He had left it in the car somehow.

He had gotten up at 11 and took the friend to the DMV to get her temps instead of her taking the bus like she said she would.  After that, he went straight to bed and he's still sleeping. She did show me her shiny temps after I got lunch so that's one thing down - one more to go and that's to get a car and the last thing to get out and find her own place with a NC from my husband. 

Anyways, I looked through the texts. It goes back as far as May 3rd. I can't even go further than that but the phone bills shows a LOT of texting between them (over 300) but her responses are often one words so that number might be over-inflated. But I found two texts that was odd coming from her. She mentions she's on her cycle ... he says, that's great - means my wife's finally synchronized with yours. That was yesterday. It's a bit odd that he's telling her everything about me but even odder that she is telling him those things too - I'll talk to him when he's awake. So... I scrolled back even more.

On the 3rd, the farthest I could go back, she mentions she's tired and she's going to bed to masturbate. He doesn't reply to that except with an "Ok". That was late at night, again. That's way out of the boundaries set for marriage, IMO. The texts does not show if he did go and join or he stayed in the office or whatever. 

I don't know what to take of these texts but all I know is that she needs to go and stat. She is taking advantage of my husband and I do not like that. I'm going to have a serious sit-down talk with him when he wakes up about this because I don't think he realizes she is taking advantage of him. Unless he tells me that he's taking advantage of it then I am moving because I will no longer tolerate this and it will be to my twin sister's house 3 hours away since I finally am off of work for three weeks. I can't kick both out because I can't afford the house payments and all those things that comes with it myself unless I take on one more job.

Unless I shouldn't due to the 180 / letting them go? I don't know.

I just feel so lost and I can't even trust them anymore. I'm now calling my husband Jekyll / Hyde because this is what it is looking to me along with the friend. The reason why I came up with that is because when my neighbor emailed me asking me if I still lived there because she saw the friend with my husband while he was mowing and got puzzled. I mentioned that to my husband and he got defensive. He told me not to reply. 

To be fair, we've had a strained relationship with the neighbors since we got our dog and they called the ASPCA on us a few times thinking we had abandoned the dog because he was barking so much before he got trained. But this was just a general well-being check up so I ignored him & replied and explained that we had gotten on a roommate since she wanted to move out of her parents' place. The reply after that was more of a relieved sounding tone.

The three weeks at home is going to be hell for me when I am this hyperviligant.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Not to mention I might have to start looking for a IC that can help me because I'm starting to sleep talk / walk (it only happens when I am very stressed) and acting out my anger. I only found out because my husband asked me why I was screaming & getting out of the bed shouting to no one to "close the door" yesterday morning. Of course, I don't remember it at all as usual. 

He also told me that the friend thought we were "having fun" so she asked him and he had to explain to her. Great! One more thing that she didn't need to know about me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"But I found two texts that was odd coming from her. She mentions she's on her cycle ... he says, that's great - means my wife's finally synchronized with yours. "

I know what I think this means, what do you think it means?

Your sister thinks he is cheating w/roomate? Is she deaf?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Send your online order to friends house or your deptartment office.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> "But I found two texts that was odd coming from her. She mentions she's on her cycle ... he says, that's great - means my wife's finally synchronized with yours. "
> 
> I know what I think this means, what do you think it means?
> 
> Your sister thinks he is cheating w/roomate? Is she deaf?


My twin is hard of hearing but she can hear well enough to carry on a conversation on the phone.

To answer your question - I don't know what that means unless he's hoping that I can be normalized. We've been trying to have a baby for 4 years due to very irregular cycles but now with these recent events happening recently, we haven't had a chance to try. With what I've been seeing and finding - I doubt I would ever until this gets resolved one way or another.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Send your online order to friends house or your deptartment office.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would but my department is closed over the break and I will not have a mailbox there until June.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then send t to a friend. Explain it as a gift fior your husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Then send t to a friend. Explain it as a gift fior your husband
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll look to see if that's an option - or if there's a site to store option.

However, I do have a webcam - is that possible to have it perform like a VAR? It can pick up small sounds like chairs squeaking. My computer is right across his office and he rarely closes the door unless our dog is rambunctious.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you set it up to record so no one can tell its recording? Worth a try.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Ok I think I have software/camera set and aimed to his office and in the another room as well with audio enabled. I can't hide the minimized icon though. (Logitech)

Last night after the friend, my husband and I watched the movie which was a music comedy which is very R-rated - he was in the office so I went up to him to ask some questions about it. I talked to him a little more regarding the movie when I tried to subtly ask him about other avenues regarding masturbating in regards to that movie. At that moment he was in a good mood then bam, the second I mentioned the word, he exploded and told me to stop asking him about this and why would I think he was cheating, etc. etc. etc. I simply said I didn't mention cheating at all so why would he think that? He said it was because of the previous confrontation (before we went to England) and how I was treating the friend. I just looked at him going :scratchhead: and going, "Okay..." After a few, he started to change the topics to talk about what he was doing before I asked him that question.

In my head, I was wondering - that was two months ago??? Why would he still have that on his mind? And why did he explode like that in such anger then 30 seconds later tell me to stop asking him that in such a calm demeanour? 

I really don't get him anymore.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Chapparal, I have a question after I re-read and re-read the 180. It says I should not spy on my spouse yet that is what I am doing with the webcam. Should I ignore the 180 while trying to get the proof or pick/choose? 

It is killing me inside every time he goes out with the friend while I am doing housework that can't be stopped e.g. cooking. He said he is going to get gasoline for the mower. Yet that was over an hour ago! I'm trying to not to message him asking where he is and what the hell he is doing that is supposed to take him 5-10 minutes TOPS (since the gas station is a 2 minutes drive). So each time I wonder and get upset - I have to take deep breaths. 

I'm no longer going to ask him questions in regards to him or even the friend because it seems lately whenever I do that, he explodes. I'm pretty sure if I do the same thing today he'll do that so I'm trying not to message or anything. Yet, I worry what if the car's broken down or if he got into an accident ... 

To keep those thoughts away, I've busied myself with other chores like sorting clothes to be donated (multiple reasons for those) and doing dishes. I hate being in the limbo and I keep having "what-ifs".

Edit: Turns out that he took her practice driving since she got her temps for 30-40 minutes. His phone GPS confirm that in a mostly abandoned plaza.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

On a plus side, I've made a pecan chocolate pie, which I've always wanted to try ... even though it's square-shaped. Sigh.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Regina007 said:


> Chapparal, I have a question after I re-read and re-read the 180. It says I should not spy on my spouse yet that is what I am doing with the webcam. Should I ignore the 180 while trying to get the proof or pick/choose?
> 
> It is killing me inside every time he goes out with the friend while I am doing housework that can't be stopped e.g. cooking. He said he is going to get gasoline for the mower. Yet that was over an hour ago! I'm trying to not to message him asking where he is and what the hell he is doing that is supposed to take him 5-10 minutes TOPS (since the gas station is a 2 minutes drive). So each time I wonder and get upset - I have to take deep breaths.
> 
> ...


The 180 is designed to give you back your life and if it has to be , make you strong enough to move on. I think you should find out whats really going on and using the web cam is something I would do to. It sounds like he doesn't respect you and that there is a good chance something else is going on with his ex. It might also show you nothing is going on.

Good luck


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> The 180 is designed to give you back your life and if it has to be , make you strong enough to move on. I think you should find out whats really going on and using the web cam is something I would do to. It sounds like he doesn't respect you and that there is a good chance something else is going on with his ex. It might also show you nothing is going on.
> 
> Good luck


Thanks Chapparal. 

The hits just keep on coming. This morning I noticed DH got up early so I decided to wait in case he decided to go downstairs to the basement. After a while, I couldn't sleep plus needed water so I got up. Went into the living room to the kitchen and there he was, eating a slice of the pie in his birthday suit. 

What if I was the roommate? What would he have done? I don't know but the first thing that came out of my mouth (I didn't realize I asked it until a split second later) - was "Why are you naked?" His answer, "The pie's so good! Mmm." 

 So I just got my water and stomped downstairs. I'm sure not going back to sleep with that guy. He just keeps pushing and pushing. Now he's messaging me saying that he's now clothed. I'm not going to respond to that.  I should have gotten my PC upstairs and videotaped the living room instead of his office!!


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Okay! My first hit tonight. I watched the entire video and then I sent the video to my twin sister after I texted her asking her for help. She accepted since I wanted her perspective.

Her perspective agreed with mine. Even though I was present for it all since I was doing my work from home - it is also one of the reasons why I couldn't supervise 100% of the time. She is definitely HOVERING around him like usual. She is touching him inappropriately e.g. scratching his back and hair that no friends should touch (e.g. at the nape of the neck) and playfully poking him on the back while talking about random things like using her credit card to pay for things for us.

I did catch my husband scratching her back during that. I said something to the effect of "What is up, scratching her back?" with a not-amused face. To that, the friend bounced over to me asking me to scratch her back instead.  It was caught on the tape as well.

My twin sister says she doesn't like how the girl hovers around him - it's like she is very needy of him. I agree. I got a male perspective on it too - from my twin's husband. He says no way in hell would he allow that to happen in his own household and no way he would let his exes touch him in those ways.

They both think there's more going on. So now my twin sister is convinced (finally) and that I should get a VAR. She's all in in helping me hear the conversations but she thinks video is better - because it helps put things in context. So any suggestions for a video camera? I could try to use one that we have around the house but he will notice, for sure because that is one of the still cameras we use. 

So I'm not crazy after all. This is a relief.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try this place


Infidelity

Mobile Phone Spy | Cell Phone Recon | SECRETLY Monitor Calls & Texts


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Whoa, that's expensive but that's what I need. (Edit: was talking about the recon part. I'm now looking at the second link you added - Infidelity.)

Unless he would confess! That would be so cheaper than what I've been looking around for. 

This is getting so upsetting by the minute now I'm validated by the video AND by my sister & BIL backed up with you guys.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Question for you guys - should I text the roommate and tell her to knock off the touching and that I don't like it when she does it to him?

Edit to add some details:

This is my first time experiencing something of this magnitude. Last time I was cheated on, I was dating. And when I found out, I broke it off immediately. Now that I'm married, it's more complex so this is something I was hoping not to experience ever again. It's embarrassing, humiliating, ashame-making, etc. you get the idea. And I have not grown up hearing/learning/seeing how my parents handle something like this (they're still married) so it's a completely uncharted territory for me. Communication is always key for me so I try to make sure we talk before going to bed. This changed when my husband started staying up late, going to bed late, sleeping in late.

Oddly enough, he went to bed early today. He claims it is to get normalized to his future work schedule (if the company would give him the contract which I doubt) since it is 8 hours difference.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

He deleted all his texts to the roommate and from her.

Something is up and I am mad as heck!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what kind of phone?


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Android Droid X2. She has a blackberry.

I broke down and cried. It was a bad night for me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

How to retrieve deleted text messages on a droid x2. where do I go to find them? - How do i retrieve deleted text message from a droid x2 :: Ask Me Fast


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Would it still work even if after deleting those text - she still imed him with meaningless things, overwriting the possible ghost?

I don't feel pressured when I see her anymore. All I feel now is anger. Is this normal for me? Fine one minute, anger the next (to the point of being physical e.g. throwing things at walls - I haven't done it but envisioned it over and over again), then crying then anger then fine?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Im not too familiar with droids, but texts dont get overwritten even when deleted unless the memory needs the space


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Im not too familiar with droids, but texts dont get overwritten even when deleted unless the memory needs the space


I'll see what I can do. It's hard to get his phone away from him because he will get angry if I ask for it. That's one thing that alerted me last Jan/Feb - he would get angry if I reached for it on a long trip and my phone was dead & I wanted to play some Angry Birds. 

Now he doesn't go anywhere without it. I got lucky last night because he left it charging - on second thoughts - I didn't get lucky. He left it there on purpose because he had deleted those texts. The day I DID get lucky, he had forgotten his phone in the car because he was so tired and went straight to bed.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I wrote a long post but decided to shorten it. 

1.) It's confirmed that even mentioning the roommate sets him off even if it's stated as a fact that puts her in a negative light.

2.) He got a scared look when I said today when I got home from work that I was tired of people lying to my face because I found out my boss had placed a person we interviewed to a position that was not advertised and even when I straight up asked her if that it was her intention, she said no (lying). I said that I ALWAYS find out eventually, no matter what. It seemed like he started to have a lot of things on his mind afterwards.

3.) He is definitely gaslighting me. I was watching his words and actions and it's everything that I wanted to see and hear but his eyes shows it otherwise (see #2). The night before tonight, I broke down and cried. He wanted to know what was wrong. I told him I didn't like her hovering around. He thinks it is because she is lonely.  I told him I see things that I do not approve of and that if I got a black sharpie, I would write my name all over including on him. He laughed at that and said I needed to be assertive. I told him "YOU need to stand up too since it is what she is doing to you, not me." He shut up after that. Told you it wasn't a good night for me.

4.) Roommate stayed in her room all day today. I wonder if it is because I spent more time with DH now instead of work since today was the first day I actually have done nothing in regards to work except drop off keys? 

Every time I see her, I get angry. So I just either close my eyes so I don't see her face or walk away. When I woke up in the evening because I had fallen asleep on the couch with DH watching tv (and I had closed my eyes because I didn't want to see her face), I went into the kitchen and saw the roommate there with my husband cooking dinner. She then walked back into her room. I wonder if DH told her about our talk (#1)?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - when I got my dinner and went back downstairs to talk to my mom via WOW (since it's the only way to talk to her - she never picks up the phone if I call using relay service) and she is asking me what is wrong so I was talking to her - not telling her about the situation since if I did, my dad would do a beeline here regardless if it is a 8 hours drive. That is how protective he is of me even though I am almost 30.. Anyways, the roommate went downstairs BEFORE I headed down with my plate and stared at my computer before going back upstairs. I had WOW running in the front so I was like, "WTF?" 

So, that's my update for the day. Nothing new. Nothing changed except for the roommate's behavior. Sigh.

And the phone thing ... nothing new - I still can't get it out of his hands but I did get a quick glance - two new texts since yesterday and that wasn't even close to what they had before he deleted it all.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I forgot to mention - after I dropped off the keys at work and was stewing when I left - I decided to go to Target to get some things but they were out of it.

Even though I left with nothing - it's a major milestone for me. I got out of the house and made a conscious decision to deviate from my original plan of just going to my work then back home.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Once you have your evidence (this will ensure you don't weaken and take him back) kick her out. If you can't wait that long, kick her out anyway. Kick her out and let her carry all her crap by bus or on foot. What she doesn't take, burn. Let a little time go by to make sure she has gone. smash your husbands sim card.

Then leave. 

If you jointly own the home kick him out instead. Change the locks. If you rent, take your name off the lease. Leave. 

He IS having an affair. And so is she, in your house, under your roof, with your husband. 

Do not let him bully you into bowing to his wishes anymore. Become the boss in your own home (I know it is easier said than done but please do. You may get a pleasant surprise at the quivering wrecks they become. If the opposite happens, you know where you stand in your own hone and marriage).

Best of luck.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

So, my husband blew up at me when he changed plans because he promised the roommate in regards to dinner. I told him to just go after he was yelling and screaming at me in regards to how I was acting towards him and the roommate. I told him in a heated tone that I was tired of this half truths and being lied to and noticing deleted texts and how she was touching him. 

He then said he gave up and wanted a divorce. I gave him a WTF look. I asked him why would he give up so easily when I was trying to work on this. He replied he was tired of me violating his privacy. I countered with the fact we had agreed on being 100% open and that he wasn't. I told him he always can look on my cell, computer, etc and not see anything that was deleted. He said no because he trusted me. I was angry because he was trying to make me feel bad in terms of trust. I told him I wasn't the one deleting things like masturbation. He stared at me then said he was feeling unfulfilled. I told him I was trying to find something that could help and that was what I was sending him info on in terms of what I was reading up in here. (No, I didnt tell him this forums) I told him I wwasn't giving up so easily. he sighed and then said we need to sit down and talk. At that point I was crying.

We sat and talked. I told him everything I told you guys on TAM. He listened then when he told me he was feeling inadequate due to losing his job then thinking he was doing everything wrong because I would ask him to do a specific job like mowing then asking him to do another one. He felt like I was not respecting him. So we decided on having open communication and that he will allow me to look at things, no deletions. 

After the confrontation we had picked up the roommate and went to a restaurant. While there, we told the roommate that she will not be able to touch him in terms of massages neither will he. And I told her about my uncomfortableness with her touching me. After that she was silent the entire evening while we all were at a restaurant and silent on the way back home. 

So we'll see what happens... I just wanted to update.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I just don't see how you can restore your relationship with your husband with her in the home.

I think his allusion to "not being fulfilled" is because he has some type of sexual fantasy going on that involves her and you. Either a three-way, or else something voyeuristic that I'll leave up to everyone's imaginations.

Do you know what his behavior is, and her existence in your home is, and the whole thing is?

It's peculiar. Weird. Bizarre. Abnormal.

Can you explain to us one more time why she is there, why you cannot kick her out?


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I finally feel relieved and hopeful.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Can you explain to us one more time why she is there, why you cannot kick her out?


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I just don't see how you can restore your relationship with your husband with her in the home.
> 
> I think his allusion to "not being fulfilled" is because he has some type of sexual fantasy going on that involves her and you. Either a three-way, or else something voyeuristic that I'll leave up to everyone's imaginations.
> 
> ...


I am on the phone so I am sorry I missed this reply before I added my second one.

Because I would feel badly if she was kicked out with no car or place to go since her family is in NYC. I'm not that heartless. Although I will celebrate when she gets her own car and real drivers license and her own place. I'm going to see if we can establish a timeline for that.

As for unfulfilled. I have a very low sex drive so often than not we do not perform. Often I will give him a hand. That's it. I have tried to increase my drive via exercise, clothes change to risque, watching racy films with my husband, etc. But it has been difficult without those aids and sometimes nothing work. Bluntly speaking.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

My phone didn't include my recent addition. I just wanted to add, my husband said they haven't done anything sexual. He said he just used her as a friend in terms of venting. Again, I asked him directly if there were anything sexual going on eg masturbation. He says no. So far my bs meter hasn't gone off. The only reasons why that word was involved was because he was venting to her about how we didnt do it as often as he would have liked.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Didn't sleep very well last night - hubby didn't return to bed. He was up all night instead.

To reply to some posts here like Remains - I don't have solid evidence of either an EA or PA. Even so, I have only hints here and there of an EA. Hopefully I have cut it in the nip. If I do find solid evidence of something still ongoing, I will be the one who is leaving because why prolong it after we've worked so hard on this marriage several times and especially when I never once brought up divorce as an option even while arguing. *Not once.* Each time the Divorce card was played, it was from my husband. Next time when he throws that card into my face, I will take his bluff because I am tired of him doing that and I will follow up even though I still love him very much.

This is what I am working on - going out more often so I get used to the idea of all the space out there and to be able to do things for myself in terms of self-empowerment. I need to become more dependent on myself instead of others so the 180 is a good thing for me and I will still be running it until I have determined nothing is still going on (and the roommate moves out - that would be the best outcome).

I bought "NOT Just Friends" via Kindle as well.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Regina007 said:


> I bought "NOT Just Friends" via Kindle as well.


I am so glad to see that.

Here is the thing: you cannot nip an emotional affair in the bud while the two parties involved remain in contact. You just can't.

Do you know why old high school sweethearts rekindle their love after 40 years--all the time? It's because when two people connect that way--they share a mutual physical, mental, emotional attraction--it never entirely goes away. Even if they are not compatible in other profound ways (religion, philosophy, world outlook).

I'm not saying these two are sweethearts. But they have some sexual connection, and for someone living in close proximity to one's husband, under your special physical circumstances, that is all it takes. 

The only way to end an emotional affair is to end contact between the two parties. The. Only. Way.

I know it's pointless to say this--but I would have zero compassion for a woman who even looked at my husband inappropriately. Touching him? Texting him? her suitcases wouldn't be packed and out my door. They'd be at the town dump and I'd have called the police for trespassing.

You've let the wolf in, and she isn't even in sheep's clothing, but I guess there's really not much more to say...


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I am sorry you feel there's much to say - but I did state from the first post that I was willing to reconcile. Marriage to me is very important and I knew going into it that it would be a lot of hard work. I didn't know how much it was really hard work but I'm still willing to go beyond hell and back to reconcile but only if there's 100% honesty and full transparency. 

I offered again after the argument to go to MC. My husband declined saying it felt like it was the last resort before divorce. I said, "If this helps us improve our relationship then I'm all for it!" He sighed and said that we don't have the money. He then stayed silent on this and still is.  I think for us, marriage can go through being poor or rich but money doesn't last. Marriage where a couple can support each other can and should last. 

I also think he found out that I have been videotaping him because I had left my webcam running last night and this morning. The last movement I see is of my husband walking straight to my computer and sitting down. So, that is out. If he asks me about this, I will be very truthful and tell him that I wanted to see if there were any inappropriate things going on for nearly a week now.

Another question is in regards to showing respect. My husband said during the argument that I do not respect him in terms of my actions and words. I've supported whatever he decided to do even when he was looking for a job even if I voice my concerns. Is this showing disrespect? I tell him every time I leave the house where I am going. Is that not respect? I don't know. I think it is two different things for men and women. 

I just want to know what respect means to men because obviously, I've failed even though I've done a lot of house chores and gaining on more work to get more money and I've tried to talk to him but he often shuts down by watching television. (He also claims I don't talk to him often nor to the roommate - but it is difficult seeing she mumbles A LOT and I can't read lip mumblers) but whenever I try, I have a book and pen and I often try to make sure I understand correctly but it's just exhausting for me to try lipreading, much less train my ear to catch mumbling to supplement my lipreading. He emphasized that I need to communicate with her more often. So I am going to do my part this time but I want to show him that I do listen whenever he says something.

So, what is respect to men? 

As for JUST Not Friends - I'm at Part II : The Trauma now and so far everything sounds just exactly like what we have been going through. I even did the quizzes there and the first quiz states that he definitely considers the roommate more than just a friend so I am thinking of showing him the quiz section and have him take it. I don't know - is it going to cause him to feel like I am rubbing it in after the blow up yesterday?

I now know that I am definitely on the emotional roller coaster. A friend of mine when we talked this morning was laughing and explained to me that to her "a few minutes ago I was very sad and negative on outlook then now I have plans and I can do things." I just simply logged off shortly afterwards because I didn't want to focus on my moods. She's a former school therapist and I didn't want to go into more in-depth into my psych. I have already a lot of things to go through and process since yesterday and I didn't want more to be added to it.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I just asked my husband what he considers as respect since he just got up and I also asked him why she has been texting me all morning be-moaning her ex. He didn't reply to the respect part and is now giving me the sullen messages e.g. "Since I dropped the ball on that apparently, you'll have to start a conversation and be a post for her to lean on." "She has a lot of things on her mind - good luck with that." or "She likes to hug a lot so you'll be getting a lot of hugs."

What the hell??? Which is registering for him first - ME asking about respect so I can work on improving the relationship from my end as the first question or HER texting me while she is at work as the second question?

Edit to add: Now he is complaining about her ignoring his texts 100% today and last night.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

The evidence YOU HAVE of him in an EA/PA is him bringing up divorce. You are being gaslighted.And stop saying you are willing to do so much (blah blah blah) to fight for your marriage when you won't even put the OW out of your own home.

This will not end well for you as long as you allow that woman to live in your home. In the meantime, you will go thru hell trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Regina007 said:


> I am sorry you feel there's much to say - but I did state from the first post that I was willing to reconcile. Marriage to me is very important and I knew going into it that it would be a lot of hard work.


Regina, you are talking to someone who has forgiven her husband and reconciled with him after a nearly FIVE YEAR EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. (Granted, thought it had ended three years ago.) I am super pro-marriage, super pro-reconciliation.

You wrote a very long post where you ignored the critical point I was trying to make.

You have allowed this woman into your home. Kicking her out would solve 50% of your problems in 5 minutes flat. Not all of them--but at least half of them or more!

You will not kick her out because you feel sorry for her. Instead you are engaging in attempts to catch them behaving inappropriately.

In your own home.

I really want to help you with your marriage. I really want to see you in R. But you want to have a marriage, and reconciliation, with the woman in question giving you inappropriate massages and texting your husband from 10 feet away.

If you want to make progress, you will stop feeling sorry for her and start feeling sorry enough for yourself to put your marriage FIRST and her physical comfort LAST.

I don't know how to spell it out any more clearly than that.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

If I decided to throw her out - it's a surefire way to get my husband out of the door as well as I've seen yesterday when he was yelling at me and bringing up divorce when I told him to go since he had changed the plans due to him promising the roommate a fun night's out with her and me.

I don't want to lose him but the link of "Let Them Go" says I must be prepared to lose him if I want to win him back. As I have mentioned earlier - I keep going up and down in emotions - angry, pissed off, etc. to relieved, happy that this is at least allayed and that she's following what I have asked her of to back to being angry that my husband isn't even putting me first still.

As someone said here that it's evidence that he has a EA/PA when he brings up divorce. It is not the first time that he has used that card either. Last time he used the card seriously was when we were arguing about having one of his other friends staying with us 3+ years ago. She moved out and into her apartment and got a boyfriend when she saved up enough money but that was a long year. Funny enough he had a crush on her way before he married me so there's a pattern here and I have always told him that he needs to stop trying to save his friends from their unhappiness, especially his former flames. I'm not going to hold it over him now though because that is in the past. 

Right now I am focusing on handling this - right now - because I let her in our house BEFORE HE TOLD ME she was an ex-girlfriend. If I had known she was an ex - I wouldn't have allowed for it. See my first post - he told me when he was tipsy on alcohol last Jan while we were in NYC picking her up and the car was already packed and goodbyes were said from her to her parents.

THAT is why I am not going to be heartless and kick her out with no place to go several states away because it's always possible that it is my husband initiating this EA and she was going along with it. (Second time this marriage so far with a different girl.) But this time, I can at least say, "Well, I tried everything that's available 100%" and walk away if it comes to the point.

I asked him again about Respect and the first thing he said was "His privacy" then he went, "Well it doesn't matter anymore." with a sullen look on his face. He then says he needs more time to think then after a few minutes thinking, changes the topic to something completely different.

I'm not holding my breath this time because of how he reacted to me when I asked him those two questions originally today.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow, your logic is so backassward..."If I make OW leave my husband will divorce." Seriously? You know why no one is responding to this thread anymore right? Because you're not willing to save your marriage by taking the obvious step of forcing your husband's ex-gf to move the **** out of your own home.

CWI board challenge: Is there a single person out there who has been through infidelity that agrees with her logic? Or that her marriage has a chance as long as OW lives with them?

Please wake up to the obvious and stop torturing yourself.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

She is moving out.

DH is giving me the silent treatment.

Both of them are giving each other the silent treatment.

I am done.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I reached out for help, I got some so I thank you. For people who treated me like a pixel on the screen - I hope you do realize this is a real person with a real marriage. Three people got hurt, probably more. My dad even had to call my DH last night because he went into the car and ignored everyone while talking about end of life. DH hung up on him. My mom keeps texting me asking what is up.

The roommate decided to move out because of this plus silent treatments. Now they both are in their respective rooms now that I am up.

Like I said. I am done.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Breaking up the affair is only the beginning, not the end. I'm sorry if my posts appeared rude, but your posts had me screaming at the screen in frustration of what seems obvious to everyone.

Once no contact between your husband and OW is established then you at least have a chance at recovery. There are lots of vets here that can guide you down the road for success.

In the meantime, be the best person you can be in front of your husband. Don't apologize for OW leaving. Say things like "I'm doing everything I can to save our marriage." And "there just isn't room for 3 people in a marriage."

He will be angry about his lost fantasy for a while, but he'll come around. Like I said, show him the woman he fell in love with and continue to post for help from the pros on recovery.

Btw, we know you're a person and regardless of the tone of some of these posts most of us are really trying to help. We've been there and know the pain. We're trying to help you with a plan for success apart from the emotions you feel being directly involved. GREAT job getting OW out. You should feel, finally, like there is hope.

Not at the point of being "done." The real work of recovery is just getting started.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If your feeling guilty don't. She may be a lesbian but she wasn't one with your husband andshe's most likely Bi.

If she was in such bad shape she couldn't move out. Assuming she actually leaves. 

What this really has shown is what your husband thinks of you.

One thing you need to find out is why your libido is so low. All men wll take this as a sign you don't love them. Your number one priority should be to fix this. Start with a gynocologist.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

That's just it - I have gone to the gyno every year and even an endocrine specialist every 3 to 6 months for follow ups. All have said that it's thyroid hormones that's out of control and I've been on medication for nearly 10 years for that and it's still uncontrolled. The endocrine specialist thinks it is the cause of my low sex drive but even with meds, it's not even there. 

Trust me when I've said I've tried everything legally because I have. All have led me to dead ends. Medications, dress up, toys, etc. with the exception of bringing others in (I'm not up for that as indicated with the mention of threesome back in Jan/Feb). 

Nothing has worked in the long term for my sex drive - not even therapy. 

I've even researched this and everything points to me being asexual but I don't even want to be asexual. I've repeatedly assured my husband I still love him despite this. 

If down the road my husband decides to divorce me because of this after trying everything, I know I will not marry again because the pain isn't even worth it.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Hello, I just wanted to follow up on this thread. I didn't want to be one out of so many people who post about their problems and just leaves. 

DH had a mental breakdown on June 2nd to the point where he could not function, much less talk. The night before, he started crying and saying that I was right. He didn't realize how bad it was. He was afraid that I would leave him because he didn't want to lose me.

The next day, he couldn't get out of bed. He was shaking and couldn't look at me or other people. I decided that he needed to be seen because this was not normal. So I drove him to ER.

ER said it was just a panic attack and sent him home with just a shot of anti-anxiety meds. It didn't help. I also found out that his anti-anxiety meds (Xanax) was causing him to obsess about death even worse. At our GP's follow-up a few days later - I brought that up and DH glared at me because he didn't think it would cause the obsession. Our GP immediately changed the scrip and said that I was right and that she was glad I had brought it up during his follow-up.

She found a program that offered a budget plan. He got a counselor there.

It has been five months since his breakdown. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar and now is on lithium and one more other I can't remember (trazadone?). He is going to weekly group counseling for anger management as well as one-on-one counseling every two weeks. He has become very open and shows me everything on his phone, his computer, everything. 

The roommate got a temp license but she still refuses to practice driving. She kept putting it off - saying that DH needed to get a job first. He got a job. She said that he needed to get a second car first. We got a second car (which we did need for him). 

I do all the transportation for her now after hours if she can't use the bus since DH says that he can't do it any more. Sometimes if I can't do it due to work - he will do it but often texts me immediately on what is up and what plans have changed, etc. So far I haven't caught him in a lie or half-truths.

Anyways, I got fed up with her excuses and told her that she can't put it off and she can't keep saying no. She has until end of this year to get her own transportation and a permanent driving license then it will be time for her to move out and be her own. She did apply for an used car but was denied despite having a hefty down payment. So she has to try again. Not my problem.  

I've also saved up in my own account that DH *IS* aware of - and I've made it clear to him that if it happens again, that I will need to get my own space. It doesn't mean a divorce. It just means that I need time to re-orient myself. He is very aware of this and so far he has done a lot of things that I am very proud of him for doing, including standing up for himself. 

We still have a long road to travel but so far, it's looking up.

Oh, I forgot. I'm seeing another endocrinologist in regards to my health issues on the 4th. So far DH and I have improved our sex life since I am attempting to do more of initiating. So far he's not complaining like he used to.


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