# hopeless



## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

Hello everyone. im new to this forum so please be patient. ive read many of your posts and my heart goes out to you all. i was relieved to find a forum where i could put my feelings out there with others who could relate. it is a good feeling to know there are poeple i can relate to. I have been married for a few years now to a man who i had thought was the perfect person for me. he is a very good person in so many ways. He works in law enforcement and is also in the military and has served his country and i am greatful for so many of the men and women in the world like him who protect our lives each day. he is a very respected person in our community and well deserving of it. 

Our marriage is not as great. Im not the kind of person to put all the blame on him or to try and feel sorry for myself and out of pity just say its all my fault and i will take the blame. i do feel everything has two sides and in saying that it doesnt always mean that both sides are equally guilty. I do love him very much and im sure i will until the day i take my last breath. I will start with me first since im far from perfect, i do have an issue with anger and i do let things come out of my mouth before they should when i get mad that i really didnt mean to come out the way they do. I was diagnosed by a family doctor as being bipolor and put on a mild dosage of medication and also an anti depressant for it. Although i trust my doctor he is only a family doctor and i have never been to a therapist or anyone else to be evaluated for this. i honestly cant afford to be back and forth to doctors all the time. my mother and sister do suffer with severe depression and have for years and my mother had a nervous breakdown years ago. 

There have been several times in my marriage that i have thought maybe i am crazy, maybe everything is all my fault, maybe he is right, thats why i would love to get advice from others, but in order for you to understand i need to explain our marriage. we have both been in previous long term marriages with children. in fact he was married to the mother of his children more than once and i will say starting off i feel that there has been something there that will never go away between them two that is part of our problem. the first couple of years of our marriage was pretty good. ive never been completely trustworthy of him for many reasons, he cheated on his first and second wife and his lifelong friends that he hung out with played a large role in the activities that caused it all. it was like it was a game to them all. they all cheated on their wives and thought it was ok. you may say why did i marry him. first of all i didnt know the full extent of this at the time and also i knew that both wives had cheated on him also so i guess i thought, hell i dont know what i had thought. but after we married i quickly decided that group of friends wasnt good for our marriage, thats been a problem ever since because to hear him tell it they dont make him do anything and they grew up to gether and they are his best friends so his answer is to just do what he wants and keep it from me, he still sees them talks to them and sends nasty pics of women back and forth and what else i dont know because he dont tell me anything, i just catch bits and pieces of what i hear about. so his friends were one problem. then there was his family and ex wife, the mother of his kids. He never even told his family we got married and his reasoning was he didnt want to hear any mess from them, it hurt my feelings of course. i found out why, because his parents want him only with her, his ex wife. later on his mom told me i wasnt his wife never would be that the ex was and that was the only one that ever would be. boy was she ever so right. over the years it has all became clear. for about a year and a half i didnt talk to his family. i finally decided to be the bigger person and apologize. no matter how they feel about me im not gonna hold the grudge. so i apologized and they accepted and that was that. im sure nothing has changed on their part and thats fine, but the one thing that hurt was not one time did he try to defend me on anything, he never stood behind me on it. he just let it be that way if my husband had done no wrong i would defend him to my family but i guess thats just me. that women talked awful to me that day. As far as his ex wife he hated her when we got married then after a couple of years it was like all of a sudden they became bffs and who knows when that happened just one more thing he forgot to tell me. they text happy birthdays and jokes and she calls him pet names and when i see it in his phone he tells me i shoudnt be going through his phone...maybe i shouldnt but the reason i do is the trust issue and everytime have i found sumthing like that. but i wonder how did they go from hating each other to being close enough to do stuff like that and i never know and why does he feel its ok to not tell me when im his wife. trying to talk to him about that or anything is like talking to a brick wall. ive so far over the years in his opinion never been right or justified in anything i say, he would say its because i get angry and if i would handle it differently then things would be different well i tried that too but the outcome is always the same...to him im wrong and im unjustified in how i feel im too needy. he sais they have to talk about the kids so far nothing ive seen from her that ive gotten upset about is about there kids. one night she called our house at almost midnight to talk to him because she and her present husband were fighting and they have a son togehter and he had left with the child, now what in the hell has my husband got to do with that, but guess what i was wrong for getting upset and he event went as far as to say im a sorry mother if i didnt understand, because she was calling anyone she thought could help. well in my opinion if her childs in danger call 911 if not then work it out with the childs dad, not my husband. there was not one thing he could have done anyway. she pretty much turned the kids against me from the start. there were lies told that i didnt feed them ands= stuff and he never defended me to anyone in his family and he knew it wasnt true. if she had truly thought that she whould have never left them with me every other weekend, but yet a word was never said to me, just whispers behind my back and fake smiles to my face all the while him and her having this friendly buddy buddy relationship behind my back that he seems to think as long as i dont know it dont matter. everything in our life is that way, his freinds ,his ex his whole life he doesnt envolve me. everything i say i feel like he thinks im stupid or wrong. he sais im too emotional and needy. 

All i really want is to be needed. when i try to talk to him which i have for years we end up arguing because my opinions or not right and then he doesnt speak to me or ackoledge me for at least a week or more and after that he slowly starts to speak again, but its at least a weak of totally shutting me out of his life completley. he tells me if i dont like that then dont do stupid stuff to piss him off because everything ive ever had a problem with has been stupid according to him. He never tells me anything thats going on with the kids, i try to tell him whats going on with mine though he seems uninterested usually, because even though they are stepchildren, we are raising them all together and suppose to love them all the same. he has a stepdaughter by his ex who is grown that he calls his daughter and loves her dearly, but i never quite see it being that way with my kids i was hoping it would. it just seems like its always something and the harder i try the worse it gets. ive tried begging ive tried just going along to get along ive tried treating him like he does me and acting like i dont care and nothing phases him. i stayed at my parents house for 2 nights after our last fight and it was the first time i had ever left. i told him we just needed to cool off. he never called text or anything. when i called and asked if he wanted me to come home he said he could care less if i did or not because i was the one who left. the thing is hes always had that attitude. hes alwyas said he knows what kind of person he is and hes a good husband and if i want to go then go because he hasnt done anything wrong and he dont care if i leave. its really hurtful to live with someone who never tells you anything, never is wrong, but quick to always blame you, and never cares if they ever see you again in there life. just how stupid am i. someone please help me to. tell me if im wrong.


----------



## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

i know my post was long and after re reading it i sound like such a loser. i wish i had the strength and wisdom to just know what to do. i always think what if. i wish i had all the answers. if anyone has any suggestions for me please tell me.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

To your other posts, The envelope looks different because you have read it. I'm not sure exactly, but the different icons are if there are new posts.

For this post. WOW.

You really need to find a counselor if you want to make your marriage work. I think that since your husband is a vet that there is counseling through the VA, but I'm not sure

There is way to much here to be dealt with here.

No, you are not crazy. Your husband NEEDS to treat you better, but it doesn't sound like either of you knows how to make this work, and with all the previous baggage, I'm not sure you can without help.

I'm sorry I can't give you more specific advise, but find books and get counseling to get this fixed. If this continues, you will only be more and more unhappy, and you should probably leave at some point if it doesn't get any better.

You sound like you are trying to make this work. I really like that you were the bigger person and apologized to his parents even though its probably not your fault.

Best of luck, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Hopefully other can advise you more specifically on issues. 

@ your name, its never hopeless. You can make this better one way or another.


----------



## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

thank you so much for listening and replying, just having people to talk to makes it somewhat easier. we do need counseling and i would love to see one on my own also, because he has honestly made me doubt myself, i know im not perfect by far but i just know ive tried so hard and given so much


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Not trying to be rude or anything, but more people might read and respond if you broke your text up into paragraphs. It's a giant wall of text right now, which is hard to follow.


----------



## NOWHERELEFT2TURN (Feb 24, 2011)

ur right gosh i didnt even think of that, im not good with computers as you all can see. lol


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My wife did PC before and during our MC. 
I have been to PC before when I was younger for about 2 years.
Get a PC if you can and want one while you are going to MC.

Getting a spouse into counseling can be easy or very hard. It depends on the person.



> i know im not perfect by far but i just know ive tried so hard and given so much


 Marriage is hard. Its extra hard when people are hurt, not thinking strait, and have baggage. A lot of us do the best we know how, sometimes its totally 100% wrong.

I think you are starting to get on the right track. Stay strong and best of luck. Its going to be hard.


----------

