# Love my wife but should I consider a separation/divorce



## msith007 (Jun 7, 2013)

I am having marital issues that are pushing me into near-depression. In order to explain my problem, I have to explain a bit of my history. It is tough for me to find a good person to discuss this. So I am leaning on you all for support and advice. I hope you can patiently read through my rant and give me a good advice on what to do.

I am a 32 year old Indian Man living in the US for the last 10 years. I met my wife online 6 years back. She was in India at that time. We chatted and talked on phone a lot. These times were tough because of the long distance relationship. It was mine and my wife's first relationship (this is not very uncommon where I come from). It was difficult times but we got through it. Later that year she came to the US for studies. We decided to live together.

It was good times, we had a lot in common, we laughed at similar things, we hated similar things, and I could go on. We really did have a good time. We then got our first dog and he has been kind of our son since then. 2 years later we got enganged. Our parents met and everybody was happy. We got married 3 years after we met. We were in different places due to work at that time. We kept the long distance relationship going. 1 year later I got a very good stable job and so my wife left her well paying but not great job and moved back with me. I have to say that being a very ambitious person this was a big sacrifice. But we were confident that with her experience she could find a job quickly. But we were wrong, because of visa issues she could not work. So she was at home for about 1.5 years, then we got our US permanent residency and she started working as a temp in the same company I was working in. Although she was a temp it was still a good job but not upto the level of her previous job. She did not have any benefits or paid vacation. But it was a start. Later last year, we decided we were going to wait it out until she found a good job that matched her experience and decided to buy a house. We did and she is still continuing her temp job. Her boss likes here very much and promises a full time position sometime soon if the management approves. 

I really enjoy watching TV, going out, doing gardening work, etc. with her. She is really awesome in taking care of the house, our dog, etc. She is the most organized and responsible person I have met. On top of that she is a great cook. And I believe in equality and I try to help her out at home in everyting from cooking, cleaning and all other chores. So it was great. 

Here are the biggest hot button issues between us: our parents, friends/family, and more recently having kids. After I my relationship with her started slowly my social activities reduced. She never wants to get close with anybody. In fact, she is not in touch with any of her friends/classmates from the past. I on the other hand liked people company. Until recently I still used to call several of my friends regularly. We have had several small fights about spending more time with friends. But she showed improvement and she is a lot better than she was couple years back. But she wants only superficial relationship with anybody. To her credit, she is very thoughtful and cannot bear if others or not. This has happened several times and being very sensitive about these things she is probably tired of getting burnt. She is honest and a straightshooter. This has probably pushed a few people away. Part of it is because she does not care losing friends/family.

Coming from a very traditional Indian family, her parents basically controlled her life. Her dad's siblings (about 10 of them) and their families lived nearby as well. Due to traditions and superstitions, they never let her do the things she wanted to. But her parents were financially in good shape and so she got a good education. But there were several other things her parents could have done better (can provide details if needed). She holds a lot of resentment towards her parents. On top of that during our wedding, she was forced to do several rituals that she does not believe in. These feelings have caused her to move away from her parents. But her parents, knowing a lot of Indian parents, did not do bad at all. Could they have done better? Of course. But I cannot understand why she hates them so much. Because of these and other relevant reasons, she HATES indian traditions. She loves America for the freedom she has here. She loves the culture here. I do too and I am learning the good American ways everyday. Shunning the Indian traditions has not gone well with her parents and my parents as well. On top of that she is an atheist. I have to mention that I am perfectly fine with these things. But it has caused a rift between her and her family members. 

I on the other hand i believe that everybody is good. I like my family and friends no matter what they may or may not have done for me. I sacrified buying a car/home, partying, and eating out to pay off my dad's bad business loses (nearly 25k) and yet I like him. My mom has done certain bad things too and yet I like her. Same goes with my brother and my friends. I like my colleauges as well and there is no person I dislike in this world. I even like my wife's parents. But unfortunately because my wife has problems with her parents and my parents, I am unable to talk much with them. And they are sad because of this. 

Here is where our problems get bigger. My parents and her parents have had their share of troubles while bringing us up and I want to bring them to the US at least for a couple of months and take them around. Spend some time with them. My wife was OK with it when we met. But she has changed in the recent times. She now absolutely does not want them here or even talk to them. She does not talk to her brother as well. I promised her that I would talk to our parents and make them understand that she is now a grown woman and they cannot continue to tell her what to do. But but her dislike for the Indian ways and our parents judgemental nature and constant criticism of her western ways has caused her to say NO to bringing our parents here. Like I said she does not want to even talk to them. 

The next big issues is, she recently said she does not want kids. She says she wants her freedom and she likes how her life is right now. It is the same reason she does not want to maintain relationships with our parents as well. When we met she was OK having kids. This is a recent development in last 1 year or so. I on the other hand first wanted 2 kids, then knowing she wanted only 1 I came down to 1 kid, and when said no kids, I offered adoption or foster parenting as options. She says, at the moment she cannot promise anything. I really love her but not getting along with family and friends and being against having kids is something very big for me. It makes it even harder because she has given me mixed signals about kids. She is 26 and I said I have no problems waiting for 4-5 years more. She still says she cannot promise anything. 

She has changed a lot since we met. I am torn as to how to deal with this situation. Last one week we have had several discussions on these topics and it has been depressing. Tonight (as I write this) is the first night in 6 years she is sleeping in a different room after discussions on these topics (not fight). All she wants is just me and our dog. Nobody else in her life. But it also means that I have to explain this to her parents and my parents. I cannot bring them here to the US for a visit. I cannot speak to them often (and they are all close 62). Again I love her and I am OK with her ways. I am worried that if I agree to her ways, my sacrifices would stay on my mind and that I might blame her later in future. It would be bad if that happens. I am also worried that no matter what I do I will be making a few people and myself very unhappy. I am really confused as to what to do. I do not want to leave her for others and I do not want to leave others for her. Recently, I even offered to not have kids but bring our parents here at least once. She is learning towards to NO to that as well. I am I expecting too much. I am confused as to what to do. Should I consider separation/divorce? In Indian culture this is really looked down upon and would cause our parents a lot of distress. So I will have to do a lot of explaining. My wife says she is selfish and she will stay selfish. I like charity work and I almost do no charity these days because that is not what she is interested in. For her to accept that she is selfish is a great thing but what I cannot understand is that why can she not make small compromises for our love/marriage to work. She is basically asking me to choose. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am losing hopes on making this marriage work. if it ends, I would really really realy miss her.

Please help me.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

msith007 said:


> I am having marital issues that are pushing me into near-depression. In order to explain my problem, I have to explain a bit of my history. It is tough for me to find a good person to discuss this. So I am leaning on you all for support and advice. I hope you can patiently read through my rant and give me a good advice on what to do.
> 
> I am a 32 year old Indian Man living in the US for the last 10 years. I met my wife online 6 years back. She was in India at that time. We chatted and talked on phone a lot. These times were tough because of the long distance relationship. It was mine and my wife's first relationship (this is not very uncommon where I come from). It was difficult times but we got through it. Later that year she came to the US for studies. We decided to live together.
> 
> ...


Well... I am not Indian so cannot comment on the cultural issues. However a couple of things:

She is allowed to be angry at her parents and not want to see them. I don't think it is your place to force a reconciliation between her and her family. Obviously, YOUR parents are a different story. You should be able to have them over to visit when you want to.

It sounds as if she wants to make a "clean break" from her old Indian life. She has embraced America and I don't think she has any interest in revisiting any part of her previous life in India. Again, that is her right.

It also sounds like she is more of an introvert while you are a people person. Again there is nothing wrong with that, everyone is different. If you love her you have to accept these differences.

The children issue is bigger. You have to be honest with yourself as to whether having children is important to you. It would be asking a lot for you to forego parenthood if it is something you want. However it sounds to me like your wife likes her life the way it is and does not want kids (adopted or not). I don't blame her - I have no desire to have kids either. However, in my case my wife feels the same. Both really must agree on this, I think it is too important and can lead to major resentment down the road.

So basically I think you need to separate the things that are just her perogative as an independent adult woman, with important issues that need to be decided as a family.

As for volunteering for charity, seeing friends, etc... you may need to do these things yourself. You can't make her like all the things you like or mold her personality to make her more of an extrovert. You have to accept that you will do some things together and some apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife has been slowly isolating you from the outside world. This is what abusive people do. While I'm sure she presents it to you as her loving you so much, in reality it's a way for her to control you.

It is wrong for her to try to cut your family out of your life if you want them in your life. It's wrong for her to try to isolate you from the social life that means a lot to you.

She also does not want children when it's clear that you do. For a person who wants children, it would be a huge loss to not have children.

Now that she has isolated you almost entirely she is starting to use the silent treatment on you. Her sleeping in another room is part of that. It's her punishing you. A person has no moral right to punish their spouse. And I fear this is only the start of what she will do now that you are isolated.

My advise is for you to leave her so that you can create a life in which you can be who you are... a social man who wants children.

Don't keep going on in this marriage as it will your happiness.

I know it's hard to leave someone you married out of love. But I think that you love who you hoped she was and who she presented herself to be when she was trying to get you. It sounds like you do not love who she really is.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife has been slowly isolating you from the outside world. This is what abusive people do. While I'm sure she presents it to you as her loving you so much, in reality it's a way for her to control you.
> 
> It is wrong for her to try to cut your family out of your life if you want them in your life. It's wrong for her to try to isolate you from the social life that means a lot to you.
> 
> ...


I think Ele is onto something. I agree that she has been able to isolate you and is trying to control you. Silent treatment is the worst. Do not put up with it. Based on her childhood and her relationship with her parents, this is predictable behavior. 

The children issue is a big one. If she isnt willing to move on that issue, it sounds like it could be a deal-breaker for you. It would be for me. You may want to discuss it with her and tell her that you did not sign on for that and that you may be forced to move on.

She sounds like she may have some mental issues she needs to deal with, has she ever done counseling?


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

This is very common. You see this behavior in kids that were put under a lot of pressure and controlled.

My mom’s side of the family is white. My aunt raised her kids very strict. Was controlling. You can’t watch this, or do that. Well, when they were 18, they packed up and left. With their new freedom, they wanted to live their life. They, in essence, had the mind of a kid still. Immature. They both got their degrees, and made good money based off of their strict focus on working. Their social life though is messed up. One binge dates, and is in his mid 30's. Not married and acts like he is 18. He bought a nice house. But again, he wants to still live like he is in college.

The other cousin did the same. She leaned more towards someone at first who was a father type figure. She traveled, worked odd and end jobs. No structure. The college life. Then she started around 28 feeling like she needed a baby. She chain dated some more, and ended up marrying a man with a kid who COMPLETELY is fake. Once she was pregnant, he left her a few times. Oh, and she married him as well because she wanted a dark baby. Once they married, she stopped talking to all her friends, and didn't like him talking to his friends. Sound familiar?

So with both it was evident, at least to me, watching this the whole time, they were not emotionally ready when they leave home.

Your wife was restricted, and now that she has a taste of the real (US) world, she loves her freedom. But don't worry, I think that she will turn around and start wanting kids. The only fear is her mimicking her parents. Maybe that is one of her worries.

As far as the friends piece, just let her know that for both of your sakes, you need to have friends because no matter how much you love each other, there is only so much you can say to each other before things get repetitive.


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