# Need reality check - EA and no transparency



## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Hello all,

I've been reading this forum recently and this is my first post. I'll try to be brief as many of the stories seem to be similar in nature.

*Stats:* together 11 years, married 6 years, 3 year old daughter, own house, both have high level jobs at different companies.

This year I've noticed my wife getting more detached and making a larger deal out of small arguments than in the past. I brought it up to her and she didn't admit that there was any difference in her behavior. I'm not going to say I've always been the best husband but I've listened to her concerns and rectify them (mostly helping with our daughter, etc. I've never stepped out emotionally or physically). My gut suspicions that something was going on prompted me to check her email and FB acct. Sure enough, I found out that she was contacting her ex bf that she was with 7 years prior to our relationship. The messages were "my marriage is miserable" and contained detail about her frustrations with me and that she always loved him. I also found out that she had been calling him. I confronted her and said this needs to stop and I feel very uncomfortable with it. As with many, she deflected and made herself the victim of privacy invasion. I said we need counseling or I'm leaving, we decided to try counseling. At no point did she ever admit fault or that what she was doing was wrong.

*Counseling:* We met four times and the counselor discussed how unhealthy the communication was with the ex and suggested it stop. We also discussed her concerns with me (help out more with our daughter, house, etc) which I agreed I would work on immediately (which I did).

*After counseling:* No change from my wife. She proceeded to change every password on every account to include: cell phone, email, FB, computer lock, phone lock, etc. to keep from checking in on her. She did not change her main email account which at the time I still had access to.

She said the contact with her ex had stopped which it hadn't but I didn't tell her I knew she was still in contact otherwise it would alert her that I had her email login.

*A new more concerning issue: * a month ago I discovered in her gmail account that she had opened a google+ account and had been in contact with a VP in the legal dept for the company she works for. She is a newly licensed attorney and has been contacting him and him her for a potential opportunity to work for his team. He is married also and has 2 children.

I was surprised to see that their communication was happening outside of work email and on personal social media. She never really brought up his name so at first wasn't sure who he was. The first few exchanges were somewhat tame and not too concerning however IMO completely inappropriate to exchange conversation outside of work media.

As the weeks went on, the conversations took a more personal path and she has been confiding in him about her frustrations with her marriage etc. He exchanged how his wife frustrates him sometimes and how he also must frustrate her.

*Some of the excerpts from conversations include:*

Him: 
"He's got a heck of a wife - and if I were him, I'd be working hard...I mean that. And, not in a way to make you uncomfortable.
Just my perspective. uh oh - i said too much again" 

Him:
"I don't know why I like you so much" 

Her:
"okay, so... did I tell you that my husband told our therapist that I'm IMing my ex-bf regularly?
not true, btw
it's these IMs that he thinks are going to him"
Him:
"did we date?"

Him:
"you're kinda of a guilty pleasure"
Her: 
"I'd characterize you the same way"

Him:
"I'll be in town in Dec, do you have time to go out? too complicated?" "Does he own guns? kidding! I should keep my mouth shut..."
Her:
"haha
no
he's not a threat
he cares too much about what people think of him
he only shows himself to me"

Her:
"would be great to see you!
let's see if you actually come out this time"
Him:
"now that seems like a challenge"
Her:
"it is of course"

Her:
"I know you're busier than ever right now - thank you for taking the time."
Him:
"it's no problem
and, you put me in a good mood too!"
Her:
"good! that was my true, secret goal. "

There obviously a lot more but basically the conversations are her frustrations (mostly vast over exaggerations) as well as his frustrations with his wife (and his wife with him). He is constantly validating her and saying she is "quality" a "great package" etc. She also reveals way too much personal detail about conversations, our therapy sessions, etc.

*Here is another BIG issue:* She is in process of getting a position on this persons legal team. They will be in different states however there will be travel 2-3 times per quarter to his location. She loves her job and most of the time seems to be THE most important thing in her life (even above our daughter many times). I don't ever think I would feel comfortable with the two of them alone and the thought of her working for him makes me ill. Knowing how hard she worked for her position, I don't want to jeopardize that for her even though I know she/he are wrong. 

*FYI* - She doesn't know that I have any idea of this relationship or these conversations.

*Thoughts so far for action:* 
Confront him - will jeopardize her job and she will never forgive me.

Confront his wife - will possibly jeopardize her job and risk that the wife won't feel there is an issue and make me look bad.

Give an ultimatum to my wife - you stop communication and give me access to your email/FB etc otherwise we are getting divorced.

Also, I've seen conversations prior to her changing all her passwords bashing me and revealing way too personal information to some of our friends and her other colleagues. Knowing that she has done this, makes me very uncomfortable to be around these people. 

If my daughter weren't in the picture it would be much easier to leave. My main and only concern is for her well being.

Am I out of line and over-reacting thinking that this behavior is unacceptable? I have a feeling that most will agree that this is not appropriate but would also like to hear the devils advocate, perhaps someone that has been on the other side and can justify her behavior and actions.

Thanks for reading


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry for you but it seems quite clear that your wife is no longer invested in the marriage. She continues to do these things because there is simply no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I would strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. I think it is obvious that the hand-writing is on the wall. Good luck.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother.

Your wife is about to go into a full blown affair. She already had an EA with her past boyfriend. She learned from it, went more underground.

Go see a lawyer ASAP. Have divorce papers drawn up. Separate your finances and get ready to throw her disrespectful cheating azz out on the curb.

I know you love your wife and you want to 'show' her that you are the man for her... Nice isn't the way. It is perceived as weakness. She wants a man, not a boy. The only way to save your marriage now is to be a man. Be strong and take her to task. Don't punish her, but hold her accountable for the terrible shlt she is doing.

She is about to destroy your family.

The other guy. He is a total douchee. Expose him for what he is. If he is married tell his wife ASAP. Expose the affair. Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! and expose it to people who can turn the tide.

Since this is the second time, I would consider your wife a serial cheater. You may just have to get divorced so prepare for it because with her it may never stop.

Take care of you. Protect yourself financially and fiscally. If you are going somewhere for Thanksgiving, you should send her by herself. Pack all of her stuff in boxes and suitcases and have them sitting on the door step for when she returns. Send her packing!

You cannot protect your daughter from your wife's actions. You can only comfort her and be truthful with her. Whether your daughter wants to be involved or not, she is. There is no getting around that.

Do not wait. Get rolling on this ASAP. It will not fix itself and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to save anything worth saving.

Happy Thanksgiving brother. I am so sorry you are here.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *FYI* - She doesn't know that I have any idea of this relationship or these conversations.
> 
> *Thoughts so far for action:*
> Confront him - will jeopardize her job and she will never forgive me.


Bad idea. DO NOT tip him off.



> Confront his wife - will possibly jeopardize her job and risk that the wife won't feel there is an issue and make me look bad.


Share your concerns with his wife. Send her the evidence. She will shut this down at her end far quicker than you. This should be OM's first inkling that you know; when his wife asks him to explain himself. 



> Give an ultimatum to my wife - you stop communication and give me access to your email/FB etc otherwise we are getting divorced.
> 
> Also, I've seen conversations prior to her changing all her passwords bashing me and revealing way too personal information to some of our friends and her other colleagues. Knowing that she has done this, makes me very uncomfortable to be around these people.
> 
> ...


Proceed straight to divorce. Your wife bad-mouthing you is part of her way of justifying her choice to cheat.
Divorce papers will focus her mind on whether she's in or out. 

Sorry you're here, mate

EDIT: Read this, it'll help http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Yeah this sucks. I truly believe FB and social media have empowered females to be attention *****s and they love the attention. She is bashing you to everyone to justify her affair. Do not confront yet. Save what you have, keep looking and when you have all the evidence then contact his wife, boss etc. Its probably too late to save your marriage as she has already re-written history and checked out and is ready to start an affair. Prepare yourself for the worst.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

All I can say is I wish I had caught my wife at this point in her relationship with the POSOM. Your wife is already setting up her rationalizations and justifications. You don't have to be a lawyer to be really good at that, we All do it at some point, but she will be really good at it. Listen to the advice here and weigh your options, not all the advice here will be good for your situation but a lot will. The main thing is do something now before it gets worse. Save yourself the pain that most of us have been through. I hope this works out for you.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You need to confront his wife and expose the affair. Believe me, your life will change for the worse in the short term no matter what you do, but you stand up and be a man here.

If she gets mad at you and yells and blames you, just calmly pack her bags and throw her out! See a lawyer ASAP and separate your things. It may be too late but you want to limit the blast radius.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

my suggestion:

1. Contact a lawyer, start the divorce process. Not as a threat but mean it.
2. Don't have her served yet.
3. Seems like you have a good MC. Set up another meeting with the MC. Bring your evidence and your intent to bring D on the table. Explain to the MC your concerns and state that you will not tolerate this. Say there is no other way to interpret this other then an EA and again you will not tolerate it.
4. Start the 180 and take care of your daughter.
5. Don't beg, cry, plead, or whimp out.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> You need to confront his wife and expose the affair. Believe me, your life will change for the worse in the short term no matter what you do, but you stand up and be a man here.
> 
> If she gets mad at you and yells and blames you, just calmly pack her bags and throw her out! See a lawyer ASAP and separate your things. It may be too late but you want to limit the blast radius.


I was given the same advice, "throw her out", you can't legally do this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, your wife is having affairs (EA or PA) she disrespects you and, by extension, your daughter, and she lies to you and about you.

We know what kind of a lawyer she'll make.

Seek legal advice on what to do. You do need to protect yourself and your daughter from your wife and her legal shark friends.

The State Legal Boards might need to be clued in. Professional ethics and all that.

And www.cheaterville.com might be a good fallback.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

There seem to be suggestions for confrontations with everyone except the person telling everyone her marriage is "miserable"

Her marriage is miserable

This is your wife. Not said once but twice, to two different people.

It appears you're trying to stop the butterfly from flying away by putting your face in your hands and pretending not to see what is going on.

If your wife is that unhappy, divorce her so she can have her freedom to email as many dudes as she wants.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Am I out of line and over-reacting thinking that this behavior is unacceptable? I have a feeling that most will agree that this is not appropriate but would also like to hear the devils advocate, perhaps someone that has been on the other side and can justify her behavior and actions.


Ok, the devil's advocate. "Its fine for your wife to be setting it up to bang another guy". Get real Dawg. You're not over reacting. You're under reacting big time. Tell the OM wife and send the proof if you like. (I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she gets it.) Sure your old lady's will be pissed off, but why do you care. She already thinks you're a dud. Whatja got to lose.
More important is that your wife has lost interest in you and the marriage. You may as well deal with that fact. If you want to keep fanning the embers to try to get the flame back, that's up to you. To me its a waste of time. Its like a car. Once its wreaked its never the same.
I'm going alone with most everybody else in that you should file for divorce. If it get stopped, it should be her clear from her actions that she wants to reconcile. Unfortunately you have a kid that complicates things, but so does everybody else.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Ok, the devil's advocate. "Its fine for your wife to be setting it up to bang another guy". Get real Dawg. You're not over reacting. You're under reacting big time. Tell the OM wife and send the proof if you like. (I'd like to be a fly on the wall when she gets it.) Sure your old lady's will be pissed off, but why do you care. She already thinks you're a dud. Whatja got to lose.
> More important is that your wife has lost interest in you and the marriage. You may as well deal with that fact. If you want to keep fanning the embers to try to get the flame back, that's up to you. To me its a waste of time. Its like a car. Once its wreaked its never the same.
> I'm going alone with most everybody else in that you should file for divorce. If it get stopped, it should be her clear from her actions that she wants to reconcile. Unfortunately you have a kid that complicates things, but so does everybody else.


:iagree: And you want to stay for your daughter. What if your wife packs up, moves out, takes your daughter for being unhappy or leaves for another guy? It happens. What are you waiting for? Your wife is in the fog and of course she is going to say she is unhappy, in a miserable marriage. Why? Because she is justifying cheating.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *Some of the excerpts from conversations include:*
> 
> Him:
> "He's got a heck of a wife - and if I were him, I'd be working hard...I mean that. And, not in a way to make you uncomfortable.
> ...


 You see the above what her lawyer friend wrote? The flattery? "He's got a heck of a wife". What you got there is the opening line to an affair. Let her know that the husband doesn't realize that his wife walks on water and is the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. It's the set up to make his move. Make her feel special. Make her feel wanted. make her feel like she's the only woman walking on the face of the earth. In other words he already bought the condoms.

If it was me, I would let her know in a very serious and angry manner that she's worn out her welcome and that she's free to pack her bags and leave. Then I would let the attorneys wife know and send her what you have. 

You can't control her life but you sure as hell can control yours and if I were you, I would not put up with your wife's lying and her inappropriate behavior. By doing nothing will only make it worse and believe me it's got all the potential to get worse if you sit and do nothing. Put the ball in her corner.Give her absolutely no wiggle room on this. She has to know that for her, it's either put up or shut up time but put it on her shoulders not yours. her actions not only are hurting you but your family also. You have to play hardball with her because she's already started playing it with you.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Many good advise her.... but you know what I would do? FACTS!
Stop threating her for divorce if she doesent stop, it will only pxss her off. 
FILE FOR DIVORCE, intill signed its nothing; start going 180 on her very seriously! Make a list on paper of your bounderies and put it on the divorce papers right on the table when she gets home and you are out


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send a message to her lawyer friend. Ask him to recommend a good divorce lawyer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W is already half out the door and she feels very much in control of the situation because you are afraid of her.

People who cheat don't like to lose control and don't like consequences. Those two things. These are the things that you need to focus on to regain some balance in your relationship. It may result in divorce, but you are headed there as it is the way things are going now, in my opinion.

I would take control away by:

- sending copies of the correspondence with the VP to his wife. You should do this immediately.
- talking to an attorney about divorce and getting the wheels in motion for that right now. Remember that this is about controlling your own life. The divorce doesn't have to happen if your W suddenly starts to respect you and your marriage again.

As for consequences:

- She is having inappropriate conversations with other men and doing it under the cloak of a right to privacy. This is secrecy, not privacy, and secrecy is not a healthy element of marriage. You should demand transparency from her because she has shown she cannot be trusted in this respect. She will scream bloody murder and probably refuse, but you will have staked your claim, which is necessary right now.

You need to stop being afraid of your own wife.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> Brother.
> 
> Your wife is about to go into a full blown affair. She already had an EA with her past boyfriend. She learned from it, went more underground.
> 
> ...


Happy Thanksgiving all.

Dotherightthing, MovingAhead has nailed it. You are far down the path to divorce and you don't seem like you know it. By the way, if you want to read an inspirational story, read MovingAhead's story.

Dotherightthing, the infidelity is the least of your problems in your marriage.

Your wife has checked out and it has not that much to do with her infidelity. You tried to put the brakes on the ex-bf and didn't, but maybe she realized he wasn't a realistic option. Now she has her sights set on this other lawyer who is a team leader. She wants him to promote her career and be her mentor, she also wouldn't mind going Brady Bunch with him. I can tell you 100% she sees herself married to another man, in a combined family, with you out of the picture.

She said about you to him "he's not a threat ... he only shows himself to me." That's one of the most hurtful things I've ever read here. She is basically saying that she doesn't think of you as a real man.

I also see a little projection. She is saying you care too much about what others think, but there is more than a little of that in your wife, too.

You describe you and your wife as financial and career equals. Your wife DOES NOT feel that way. She sees herself as far superior to you in her career position. Although you may be temporarily equal now, she sees herself moving forward to BIG THINGS, while she sees you as stuck in a rut, like you are going nowhere. I wouldn't be surprised if she tells you "I think we are headed in opposite directions." She is the type that needs a man who earns more than her and has a higher career status than her. I would bet that when you hooked up, you earned a lot more than her and had a higher career status than her. I call this "stay-at-home-dad" syndrome. I have witnessed this many times.

The stuff about helping more with your daughter and helping more around the house is all a side show. That is not the issue. I am guessing that you can trace most of your marital troubles back to when she started to move more quickly ahead in her career.

You may not be able to save your marriage. No matter what you do or say, your wife also plays a part in this.

There are a few paths you can consider:

1. Do nothing. Keep improving how much you help out at home. (It will never be enough - even if you quit your job and did it full time - she does not respect that type of "help"). Even if she has an affair, it will blow over eventually and your wife will then realize how much she took you for granted. At least this way your daughter has a stable home, and you are strong enough to endure this pain for your daughter. (Obviously, this is not the path I would recommend).

2. Expose your wife to other man's wife, to her parents, to all your friends who she has bad-mouthed you to. My guess is that this path ends with your wife filing for divorce immediately, not even giving you the time of day, taking your daughter, and trying to file a restraining order against you. (I don't think your wife loves you).

3. Go see an attorney. Find out how to protect yourself financially and custody-wise in case this heads to divorce. Decide what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable to you in this marriage. I will give you my list: No contact going forward with her current "love" interests - ex-bf and soon-to-be-boss; open up all accounts and you do same - there should be no secrets between you; and most important, she tells you that she wants to work on this marriage and means it and SHOWS IT by her actions. If she doesn't want you, then have some dignity and self-respect and move on. Tell everyone the truth about what happened, don't lie about it, and don't let her lie to others about you - set the record straight.

I'm sorry you're here. It doesn't look good, and it definitely is going to get worse before it gets better.


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Wow, you guys are great. I went out for a run to clear my head and came back to all this great support. I've never put myself out there like this but glad I took the leap. My problem is I wear my emotions on my sleeve so now she knows something is up. We are now not talking and since its a holiday, I have no contact with a lawyer most likely until Monday. Its hard for me to not tell her what I know but I need to try and be patient. She has now (not surprisingly) turned the table on me and is pi**ed at me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Your wife is following the CHEATER SCRIPT...line by line. She is not ready to quit. I take into account that she is a lawyer and thinks she is smarter than you...and is walking the line to a certain degree so as to not give you the high ground.
But what really stands out is the complete frankness to others about her marital unhappiness. Disrespect to the betrayed spouse is generally inferred by natural definition...but her verbalizing it to others shows complete contempt. I am so sorry, but this woman is toxic. Don't give her ground by doing something emotional or demonstrative as she would expect...especially waiting for you to pull something crazy so she and her lawyer friends can pick you apart as a father and a stable person. Be cool and collected...save up whatever hard evidence you have...get a gameplan established of what you need to go on independently as well as conferring with a lawyer (who hopefully does not run in the same social circles). Get all your stuff together before you drop the bomb that you know.
I am not a relational expert...but it just seems like this has gone beyond salvaging. Your wife seems fairly justified in her actions right now...and that will result in her turning that ugliness on you. It is inevitable.
But yeah..seriously...STOP the passibve aggressiveness and victim puppy dog...it will certainly get her paranoid about covering her tracks. Even if you have to make up a story as to why you have been moody...but anything you disclose from this point will only blow up in your face!!! Like the Bible verse says...don't cast your pearls upon swine...they will trample them under their feet and tear you to pieces. Your knowedge is power right now...do not give this to a woman who will use that power against you. Let go of the butt-hurt reactions you usually try to guilt her with...and act like nothing is wrong.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Him:
> "I'll be in town in Dec, do you have time to go out? too complicated?" "Does he own guns? kidding! I should keep my mouth shut..."
> Her:
> "haha
> ...



This, if true (probably so because it's hard to see oneself), can bite you big time.

You'll have to prepare yourself to live with the fact that you have or will have an unfaithful wife.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Send a message to her lawyer friend. Ask him to recommend a good divorce lawyer.


Use your wife's email, reply using the string of messages you posted earlier. _ "Hi, I am WifeName's husband, I am glad to see you and my wife are getting along so famously and are planning to meet up. My wife speaks very highly of you. I was wondering, do you think you would be able to represent me in my divorce? If not, can you recommend someone? I am looking for a real shark-type, someone very aggressive, preferably someone very experienced in handling adultery cases. Please let me know ASAP. By the way, how is your wife and family doing? Mine doesn't seem to be doing so well, hope yours is doing better than mine. Best regards, Dotherightthing"_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What kind of life is this? Relationships are meant to make you happy...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think many of us here would naturally suggest the 180...but her contempt is so evident...so brazen regarding you...that you need to protect yourself first and foremost...have all contigincies covered, then drop the bomb...THEN maybe do the 180...just look around for that topic on this forum to get info on that. I would hold off on that...because that kind of behavioral change at this point would certainly alert her...save that for hopefully when you separate...as I think that is in order. Get your stuff together!!!


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Man, this is all tough to take in but really appreciate the open and honest feedback. 

*I think my best course of action will be in this order:*

1. Implement the 180 today (just learned about this behavioral change on this forum)
2. Contact an attorney as soon as possible to consult and review options (most likely Monday would be the first available).
3. Once I have learned of my options, drop the BOMB on her with a letter that states my decision to proceed with a divorce and supply the evidence of the conversations with her EA. Leaving my ring on top of the letter to solidify my intent.

*Things I'm still on the fence about doing and/or when to do:*

1. Let the guys wife know about the EA and send her the evidence. FYI - she is a high level partner at a law firm so not sure how that all plays into things.

2. Contact the guy/EA and let him know that I am aware of the conversations and it needs to stop.

3. Let all our friends and family know what is going on and her actions - primarily the ones I know she has already bashed me to.

Her comment about "he's not a threat..." makes me want to be the biggest threat either one of them have ever encountered (no physical harm of course, that is never an option). Ideas are welcome although realistically I know I need to be the better person.

I want to cause as little drama as possible and my upmost concern is the impact on my daughter.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Your plan is spot on. Yes the "no threat" comment jumped out at me too.



Do_the_right_thing said:


> *Things I'm still on the fence about doing and/or when to do:*
> 
> 1. Let the guys wife know about the EA and send her the evidence. FYI - she is a high level partner at a law firm so not sure how that all plays into things.


Oh it gets better. Morally you have to let her know. If the roles were reversed you'd want her to clue you in.

Let her metaphorically do unto him, what he was planning to do in reality with your wife. Let OMW talk to him on the day your wife gets served.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> 2. Contact the guy/EA and let him know that I am aware of the conversations and it needs to stop.


No, contact him and say to get ready to explane to his wife what he is doing, cause now youe are pxssed!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not let an attorney talk you out of exposing the om. They do that all the time to the serious detriment of the betrayed spouse. I think they do it tomake sure the affair/divorce continues.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jack.c said:


> No, contact him and say to get ready to explane to his wife what he is doing, cause now youe are pxssed!


Actually, you never warn anyone you are going to expose, especially the om or your lawyer. The om will go to his wife and warn her some idiot nut all may call her with a wild story about his goofy wife. Unfortunately, it works for cheaters all the time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would do all of this except talk to the OM. It is much more important to expose him to his W without him having any input. She has to get the info and then confront him. He should be blindsided by it. So, if you want to confront him at all, do it well after you have exposed to the OMW and you are aware of whatever fallout there is.

(Do not be on the fence about contacting her. It is one of the most effective tools you have right now.)


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Just expose. Warn no one, and never talk to the OM. That is wimpy and beta. Your wife is the one betraying you. 

See the lawyer first thing and get the D ball rolling. When the petition is ready to file, then tell the other man's wife. Then your wife's parents and family. Let them know what a piece of crap their daughter is. On Monday go open a new bank account in your name only and funnel your paycheck there. Cancel all joint credit cards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Ok, convinced I need to contact the OMW and fill her in. The only contact I can find for her is a work number at the firm she works for. Any advice of how to start the conversation or leave a voicemail (I'm sure I will not get her live) with enough detail to pique her interest but not have her blow it off and not call me back. I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone left a confidential vm on my work number with too much detail.

I was thinking along the lines of this for a vm:

(name) we don't know each other however people very close to us do. I discovered something that has caused me some concern that I think you should know about. Sorry to be so cryptic in my message however I feel you need to know the details. I can be reached at ***-****. Please call me at your earliest convenience.

I wont leave my name on the message for obvious reasons.

Other suggestions?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Ok, convinced I need to contact the OMW and fill her in. The only contact I can find for her is a work number at the firm she works for. Any advice of how to start the conversation or leave a voicemail (I'm sure I will not get her live) with enough detail to pique her interest but not have her blow it off and not call me back. I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone left a confidential vm on my work number with too much detail.
> 
> I was thinking along the lines of this for a vm:
> 
> ...


You leave a cryptic massage like that and she'll go straight to her husband! You call and speak to her! Tell her what you know and that you have proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> You leave a cryptic massage like that and she'll go straight to her husband! You call and speak to her! Tell her what you know and that you have proof.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd think she would go to her husband no matter what...you never know how people are going to respond. She may remain cool and play it smart...or she will flip out. I think the best outcome will result in OP getting all his contingencies in order prior to revealing his knowledge to anyone...or the affair partners will be able to get the jump on him.

If reconciliation is sought...then I would expose immediately....that is a standard way to confront behavior to shut down the process...and establish a 180 scenario to keep her feeling the consequences. However, this scenario feels like wife would be in to win it...and won't go down without a fight...so it would in that case be in OP's best interest to keep it all on the downlow until he has a clearcut plan established and ready to go...so when he does expose, he knows where his money is, where he will live, knows where daughter will live, knows what he will do if wife breaks down...knows what he will do if she kicks. ALL contingencies. Once those are set...then he can get the ball rolling on informing OMW and whatnot...set those hardset boundaries and do the 180.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> You leave a cryptic massage like that and she'll go straight to her husband! You call and speak to her! Tell her what you know and that you have proof.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree, and at the same time expose her to all her family and friends as well that can put pressure on her. Do it all at once as it needs to have a tsunami effect. You trickle this out bit by bit and you'll do way more harm than good.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> She has now (not surprisingly) turned the table on me and is pi**ed at me.
> 
> Her comment about "he's not a threat..."


OMG, She's pissed at you. What are you gonna do now after p/o ing the queen? Give me a break. She believes you're a P- whipped wuss, Dawg. Show her you are a threat. Send his wife the data. Quit worrying about getting hurt. There's always the chance his old lady don't care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Question: What does a lawyer say after they were caught in an affair with a colleague which raised questions of their ethics?

Answer: "What drink option do you want with your burger meal?"

Your wife and her idiot "mentor" are playing a game of career Russian roulette. Not sensible.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Just expose. Warn no one, and never talk to the OM. That is wimpy and beta. Your wife is the one betraying you.
> 
> See the lawyer first thing and get the D ball rolling. When the petition is ready to file, then tell the other man's wife. Then your wife's parents and family. Let them know what a piece of trap their daughter is. On Monday go open a new bank account in your name only and funnel your paycheck there. Cancel all joint credit cards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. Been cheated on twice, both were ONS at parties but had it been an affair and I knew who the guy was..let's just say he & I would have had a little chat. You don't p*ss on my lawn and expect me not to say anything.

It surprises me when the BS know who the OM is and weigh up the pros and cons of notifying the wife, it's akin to someone swinging a punch to your head and before it connects trying to appeal to their better nature.

To me notifying the wife should be the bare minimum. Talk to OM, then wife. If another man has the n*ts to sleep with another man's wife, then he should be stand up enough to talk to that man, and accept the fall out..mano a mano.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Confront him - will jeopardize her job and she will never forgive me.
> 
> Confront his wife - will possibly jeopardize her job and risk that the wife won't feel there is an issue and make me look bad.
> 
> Give an ultimatum to my wife - you stop communication and give me access to your email/FB etc otherwise we are getting divorced.


Hmmm, decisions decisions. I would start with #3, if she starts b-tching out though / starts a war / tries to make hell, then there would be nothing stopping me from #1 and #2


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Don't send a cryptic message. Either a straightforward phone call that informs her that her H is having an affair with your W or you print everything out and have it messengered to her at work.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Good plan. Move in silence and move quickly. Expose all to everyone. Do it on monday. If needed, stay out of the house as much as you can until then.
As for the drama, no way around it, all you can do is get in front of it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *A new more concerning issue: * a month ago I discovered in her gmail account that she had opened a google+ account and had been in contact with a VP in the legal dept for the company she works for. She is a newly licensed attorney and has been contacting him and him her for a potential opportunity to work for his team. He is married also and has 2 children.
> 
> I was surprised to see that their communication was happening outside of work email and on personal social media. She never really brought up his name so at first wasn't sure who he was. The first few exchanges were somewhat tame and not too concerning however IMO completely inappropriate to exchange conversation outside of work media.
> 
> As the weeks went on, the conversations took a more personal path and she has been confiding in him about her frustrations with her marriage etc. He exchanged how his wife frustrates him sometimes and how he also must frustrate her.


 HERE'S ONE BIG THING YOU CAN DO. It's pretty clear that this guy doesn't know how to cover his tracks very well and if I were you, I would keep checking the texts or emails that they send each other and when you get enough and send them to his wife, I would also make copies and send them to the BAR association and let them know along with the messages they sent to each other that this man is trying to break up your marriage and you want them to inform this lawyer about it. It could really hurt him in a big time way. Lawyers don't like having egg on their face.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> have it messengered to her at work.


That's the way I'd do it. Showing her an "in your face" printed version of their back and forth messages is going to trump a phone call. Leave a contact number. His old lady will call you. Do's wife will be saying, "I'm gonna have to be careful, my husband don't take no sh-t."


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DoTheRightThing

Sorry you are on here today my friend.

Your plan is solid.

Do not contact the OM and get the evidence to the OMW before you drop any bombs on your wife.

Turn the tables, take control, protect your daughter and go find someone that loves you and is not a whack job like your current wife.

HM


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You can call the receptionist at OM's ofc & ask for The OMW's email address. You can also check for a website for the law firm which may have the contact information (including email addresses) for the members of the law firm.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who was the poster that put his wife's lawyer lover on cheaterville and the lawyers kisked him out? He can no longer practice law. He's a salesman.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The late great Someday Dig. I think.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Who was the poster that put his wife's lawyer lover on cheaterville and the lawyers kisked him out? He can no longer practice law. He's a salesman.


That was Dig.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother I am sorry you are here.

Thorburn is right. You cannot throw her out legally. Some will fall for it but since she is a lawyer type it can be bad on you.

You can move all of her stuff into the living room or spare bedroom or basement.

She is pissed at you because you are ruining her plans of fantasy-world-life. Ruin them more.

Separate your FINANCES! You are not divorced so you can do this very easily. You will need money for what is coming so this is important. You cannot let her control access to your funds. Do this all the while you are doing the other needful things. Legal help is not cheap!

Just tell the OMW. Gather your proof. Give it to her. Tell her you have copies and just lay him out. He will throw your wife under the bus to save his own hide. Take it to his boss to. There can be serious HR consequences for fraternizing. Law Firms like having a good reputation. You can make it known to the bosses that you hope their firm's reputation does not get tarnished!

Do NOT let her know what you are doing, but do it. You are pretty much here a battered wife. She has been slapping you around and you still love her even though she beats you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. The first thing that has to be done is she has to stop beating you. You are strong so stand up for yourself and don't take it any more.

As for your daughter make sure you are documenting yourself doing as much parenting as you can. It will play a roll in court. Establish a routine and that will be the routine.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

Have you read *Dreyes*' thread? Lots of good info in there.


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

CouldItBeSo said:


> Have you read *Dreyes*' thread? Lots of good info in there.


I did a search for Dreyes but read that he might have been a "troll" and his posts were deleted? No too sure what that means.

*Update:*
Started the 180 and jumped in head first. Many of the 180 suggestions are things that I try to do on a regular basis so shouldn't cause too much suspicion however it will help me stay on task and be consistent with it.

I have a consultation with a family law attorney on Mon next week so at least that ball is rolling.

Slowing getting everything in order to make a clean break when/if I have to. Ideally I would like for her to agree that she did the wrong thing and wont continue although she will never admit that what she is doing is inappropriate. 

After much consideration, I decided that I wont drop the bomb until after the holidays primarily for my daughters sake. I don't want to ruin this important time of the year for her and will suck up the pain.

Going to contact the OMW the first of the year which will start the chain reaction of events. I've also purchased VAR for her car and the house for further evidence if needed.

This forum has been very insightful and great support. Thanks for all the feedback.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *Update:*
> Started the 180 and jumped in head first. Many of the 180 suggestions are things that I try to do on a regular basis so shouldn't cause too much suspicion however it will help me stay on task and be consistent with it. *Good for you.*
> 
> I have a consultation with a family law attorney on Mon next week so at least that ball is rolling. *Do more than that. You can begin researching family law in your state now. Just EXPECT 50-50 on everything.*
> ...


I know it is tough. I know you have the best intentions in mind. That makes you the only one. She needs a wakeup call. Pick up the phone and dial the number ASAP.

When I became strong is when the tide turned. I was not mean but I was strong and that created wonderful possibilities.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Going to contact the OMW the *first of the year *which will start the chain reaction of events.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Going to contact the OMW the first of the year which will start the chain reaction of events. I've also purchased VAR for her car and the house for further evidence if needed.


Ah, the beginning of the infamous TAM movable deadline.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You will regret putting off contacting the OMW.

Every single person on this thread, every person who has read this script innumerable times, knows that you will regret it.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

At least admit your real reason for all these delays:

You are finally seeing the enormity of what she did, and it's scared you sh*tless. You are stalling.

Women do not respond to weak men.

ETA: No wonder Shaggy finally had to lay down the sword and walk away.


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

I hear you guys, and have thought this through and may even change my mind but this is where I'm at right now. It will take me at least that long (3.5 weeks) to get finances, legal options, etc in order for me to go in fully prepared. Also, if my daughter weren't in the picture it would be a totally different story. I can suck it up for the next few weeks in order to mitigate the damage it may cause for her. I can already see signs of the 180 working towards my advantage. I know it will get worse (the lies, cheating, etc) but at this point does it really even matter? I've already accepted the situation I'm in, at least I can have control over when and how I execute. I hear you all loud and clear however everyones situation is different and I feel that waiting until the end of the holidays are best for me. Trust me, I'm at a point where this will not be dust under the rug, the line has been crossed for the last time. Thanks again, I really appreciate everyones input.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

Has the affair gone physical then?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Chaparral said:
> 
> 
> > Send a message to her lawyer friend. Ask him to recommend a good divorce lawyer.
> ...


Brilliant. Copy his wife of course. Have D papers ready.

Your wife doesn't love you because she thinks you are a pvssy and she already has one. There is some chance that the tougher you will be attractive to her, but you must walk the walk. I think you will respond vigorously because you
know the level of disrespect is already intolerable.

You are young and can come out of this stronger.

I have known enough lawyers to say that the profession often accentuates bad character traits. Many lawyers are not happy, especially
Since there too many of them

Delaying is a mistake. Get it done before the holidays and start the new year right. If you delay, your wife may pick on the vibes you send. Are you going stop initiating sex?
_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Personally, I agree with OP's decision. Lawyers play hardball, swiftly and mercilessly...and I think he needs to have his affairs in order prior to dropping the bomb on professionals who do not like to lose.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

CouldItBeSo said:


> Has the affair gone physical then?


No but he's going to give her a few more weeks to make it happen.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *A new more concerning issue: * a month ago I discovered in her gmail account that she had opened a google+ account and had been in contact with a VP in the legal dept for the company she works for. She is a newly licensed attorney and has been contacting him and him her for a potential opportunity to work for his team. He is married also and has 2 children.
> 
> I was surprised to see that their communication was happening outside of work email and on personal social media. She never really brought up his name so at first wasn't sure who he was. The first few exchanges were somewhat tame and not too concerning however IMO completely inappropriate to exchange conversation outside of work media.
> 
> ...


Call the law firm general number and ask for the name of the managing partner or HR department. 

Tell them/them the story and here is what will happen.

1. Your wife will not be hired.
2. The firm will fire the lawyer

WWHT
[/QUOTE]


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> Personally, I agree with OP's decision. Lawyers play hardball, swiftly and mercilessly...and I think he needs to have his affairs in order prior to dropping the bomb on professionals who do not like to lose.


You are so very very wrong! I can give you my example. I am the one who made things happen for me. The lawyer just made it legal.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> Personally, I agree with OP's decision. Lawyers play hardball, swiftly and mercilessly...and I think he needs to have his affairs in order prior to dropping the bomb on professionals who do not like to lose.





MovingAhead said:


> You are so very very wrong! I can give you my example. I am the one who made things happen for me. The lawyer just made it legal.


Yeah, I started to reply to that crap as well, but just smh instead. Sad thing is, this is the only post the OP will latch onto and follow. Of course, by the time he chooses to do something it will be too late.

Op, you have all you need to torpedo this here and now. Don't come crying to us if you don't follow the advice and find yourself in a much worse situation very soon. Everyone one of us that have posted to you have BTDT, and _know_ what is coming.

Call that POSOM's wife, and this all ends. Good Lord, just how simple do you need this to be??


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

DTRT,

You have been warned and told and told and told. Long Walk said it nicely. I will say it again. Your wife does not respect you because she thinks you are a pvssy and she already has one.

You are being way to passive. You are NOT ATTRACTIVE AS A MATE TO A WOMAN! The OM is. You are a built in Baby sitter so she can go fvck a real man. You are not one.

Real men don't eat quiche!
Real men don't let their wife fvck other men!
Real men take action, swift and severe!
Real men mean what they say!
Real men garner respect because they protect what is theirs!

What are you? A pvssy!

Believe me. I did not know about TAM when I had my DDay and did everything wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing. I tried to win my wife back and be nice. Pffffftttttt. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

You need to demand respect by being strong. You are not doing it. You will lose. This will end in divorce. You will lose half your daughter with whom you are trying to protect because you don't have the balls to stand up and be the man that could possibly save your marriage.

This is the truth of the matter! It is the common script of people who came here. The collective wisdom and experience of people here will tell you what works. What works is BE A MAN! Be tough. Save your marriage! Fvck him! Fvck her job! Do what you need to do to have a shot at saving your marriage or be a passive little pvss and get rolled over by two lawyers who will eat you alive in court!

Expose it to the HR department! Kill it now! File for D now! You don't have to go through with it but it may wake her up! Be a man!

Or don't follow our advice, end in divorce and go through your life with seeing your daughter every other Christmas. You have been warned. Be a man or be a pvss.

Brother, I am sorry you are here and I am not trying to be mean. You cannot be coddled at this critical time. You have to step up and be who you were born to be. You were not meant to pee sitting down.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Whoa...how is it what I said crap? I see your guys' point, i really do...but is there something wrong with getting crap together before he drops the bomb on HR and OMW and whatnot? I am not at all suggesting he stretch over months, that's his choice, or create a situation where he won't generate respect.

I sounds like you believe if he flips the script now...his wife will shut it down and and come running to him. I believe in such a scenario as I had done this myself...it just seems that in this guys story...she is beyond that and will just take him to the task when he does drop the bomb and flip the script...so I suggest he protects himself financially and have a friggin' gameplan in place when he does drop all the bombs. Is it that you are worried that he will just never follow through with it? I'm seriously interested in knowing what I am missing...other than the assumption that I want to promote that he not stand up for himself and gain some respect...which isn't true.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

FS,

Lawyers just are an extension of the law. They help you in court and with what is legal. They do not help you with what is right. They want to win a case. You may want to save your family. Lawyers don't care about that.

I made things happen in my life. I established what was right and wrong. I stood up and did what men need to do. When I did that, I turned the tide. 

You cannot wait for the lawyer to get the process rolling. They are all about procedures that take forever. My case, that I waited for, I just had court this Monday. It will not be decided until near June.

You have to take action yourself if you want results. You cannot rely on someone being fair. What a lawyer will get you is a big bill and 50%.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I see what you are saying there...how legal motions can slow and redirect the main issues. I'm talking about just opening another account separate from her, having a place to move in if he is the one the leaves (although he should give her the boot) and a plan about the daughter. It would be nice to have legal contingencies in order...but it sounds like you are saying the lawyers will bungle it up.


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Guys, please with the pvssy talk, that couldn't be further from the truth. 11 yrs we've been together, the instant I uncovered something inappropriate, I immediately broke out the ultimatum - MC or D (all this before discovering TAM). She opted for the MC. Now that I've found out that she is having another EA approx 30 days after our last session, I've been patient and building up evidence for the attack. I just discovered this forum and it has helped me think of many things that I didn't consider. I need to get my ducks in a row before I blow the cover otherwise I'm in a bad position and unprepared. I can act like nothing is wrong and pull off the 180 until all contingencies are in order. Why bring a knife to a gun fight when I can build an A-bomb? 

Someone please fill me in on what possibly can get that much worse in the next 25-30 days? She turns it from an EA to a PA? The marriage is going to be over, that is the outcome either way, there is no saving the marriage once I drop the bomb. I know my wife too well, she is stubborn as a mule and will never apologize and admit she is wrong. At this point I don't care what else she does, I'm moving on without hope of reconciliation. Truthfully, I hope it does escalate so there will be no doubt that he loses his job, his wife leaves him and my wife will have to live with the fact that she broke apart our family for the rest of her life. D is inevitable, why not plan it so the timing is convenient for me and mitigates damages to my daughter? I'm sorry but acting hastily doesn't make you a man and making sure you are strategic and have everything you need to obliterate certainly doesn't mean you are a pvssy.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Do what you need to do on your timeline. I understand your reasoning. Get your ducks in a row and nuke her hard. 

And you are not a a TAM pvssy. Not even close. There are several TAM regulars who I will not name who are pvssies. They know who they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

IF you are past the hope of R, then take the time you need.

If you hold out any hope (and we all do at first), then action to stop this thing before it progresses cannot happen fast enough.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You know your W better than anyone here. This is certainly true. What we know is that her reaction may well not be as predictable as you think. We see it over and over again - when the AP's spouse is suddenly clued in, the calculus often changes dramatically. Some OP's are extremely surprised by this.

This is why at least I am saying that you should tell the OMW as soon as possible.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

DTRT,

Many many many men came here at delayed and delayed and delayed... It will cost you dearly. If you have a set time say Jan 2. Don't you dare move that date.

If you believe there is to be no R, yes get your ducks in a row. 

If you want to try and save your marriage, act now.

I am sorry you are here brother. I don't like to be crass often but sometimes the BS just needs to be slapped into reality.

The strategy thing... That will go out the window. You are playing against a human opponent who thinks totally different. I honestly believe waiting is a mistake unless you have very valid reasons. You will allow her to build a strong defense when she gets an inkling of what is going on.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The more I think about it, the more I have to ask... Why are you waiting? What real reason do you have? What exactly do you have to wait for?

I think you slam her hard before Christmas to show her what it will be like without her daughter, you might help her wake up...

What do I know... I still think it is a big mistake to delay and I believe you are really doing it because you are scared...


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hello OP, I went through watching my WH in his EA that turned PA, I know how hard this is, my thread was called "old flame or just friends? EA"
You have support here! Depend on TAM to be your lifeline.

Stay cool and make your moves count!

I know how hard it is, Exposing to the OMW really is one of your best weapons and you only get one shot at it.
I wish I had exposed while it still mattered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Guys, please with the pvssy talk, that couldn't be further from the truth. 11 yrs we've been together, the instant I uncovered something inappropriate, I immediately broke out the ultimatum - MC or D (all this before discovering TAM). She opted for the MC. Now that I've found out that she is having another EA approx 30 days after our last session, I've been patient and building up evidence for the attack. I just discovered this forum and it has helped me think of many things that I didn't consider. I need to get my ducks in a row before I blow the cover otherwise I'm in a bad position and unprepared. I can act like nothing is wrong and pull off the 180 until all contingencies are in order. Why bring a knife to a gun fight when I can build an A-bomb?
> 
> Someone please fill me in on what possibly can get that much worse in the next 25-30 days? She turns it from an EA to a PA? The marriage is going to be over, that is the outcome either way, there is no saving the marriage once I drop the bomb. I know my wife too well, she is stubborn as a mule and will never apologize and admit she is wrong. At this point I don't care what else she does, I'm moving on without hope of reconciliation. Truthfully, I hope it does escalate so there will be no doubt that he loses his job, his wife leaves him and my wife will have to live with the fact that she broke apart our family for the rest of her life. D is inevitable, why not plan it so the timing is convenient for me and mitigates damages to my daughter? I'm sorry but acting hastily doesn't make you a man and making sure you are strategic and have everything you need to obliterate certainly doesn't mean you are a pvssy.


Don't give them time to plan up something to where she/he gets a RO on you and you can't contact her.
Read what Betrayeddad did.
He let the guy's wife know and he still divorced her right away.
If it was the other way around wouldn't you appreciate it?
Of course you would.
Your D can still have a great christmas.
Please think about it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Guys, please with the pvssy talk, that couldn't be further from the truth. 11 yrs we've been together, the instant I uncovered something inappropriate, I immediately broke out the ultimatum - MC or D (all this before discovering TAM). She opted for the MC. Now that I've found out that she is having another EA approx 30 days after our last session, I've been patient and building up evidence for the attack. I just discovered this forum and it has helped me think of many things that I didn't consider. I need to get my ducks in a row before I blow the cover otherwise I'm in a bad position and unprepared. I can act like nothing is wrong and pull off the 180 until all contingencies are in order. Why bring a knife to a gun fight when I can build an A-bomb?
> 
> Someone please fill me in on what possibly can get that much worse in the next 25-30 days? She turns it from an EA to a PA? The marriage is going to be over, that is the outcome either way, there is no saving the marriage once I drop the bomb. I know my wife too well, she is stubborn as a mule and will never apologize and admit she is wrong. At this point I don't care what else she does, I'm moving on without hope of reconciliation. Truthfully, I hope it does escalate so there will be no doubt that he loses his job, his wife leaves him and my wife will have to live with the fact that she broke apart our family for the rest of her life. D is inevitable, why not plan it so the timing is convenient for me and mitigates damages to my daughter? I'm sorry but acting hastily doesn't make you a man and making sure you are strategic and have everything you need to obliterate certainly doesn't mean you are a pvssy.


Just to chip in 

Do what you are comfortable with BUT please listen to this place - we've all been there and got the t shirt

Some simple basic truths here 

Your wife is finished with you 
She has zero respect for you
You will never 'nice her back to you (that never happened in the history of human beings -EVER)
So sadly, that tells what you had before is all gone and will never return

If you have your head around that (and we all appreciate how difficult that is) then 

You will need to blow them to pieces to move on either with her or without her
and out of respect OM wife you will need to nuke him too 

I think we can all see where moving is coming from and he's not wrong but also we all know how easy this is NOT especially with waywards profession etc 

Get yourself together get into the strongest possible position ducks in a row etc and do the deed

Remember, she's smart there will be kid houses assets possessions to fight over and she will know that sh!t backwards so sure I can understand that you will want to be 110 % sure of yourself 

Do what is right for your daughter and YOU 

Good luck (be interested to see how this shapes up)


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> DoTheRightThing
> 
> Sorry you are on here today my friend.
> 
> ...


This bears repeating. So sorry you're going through this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

DTRT,
Your plan raises one question. Why are you giving WS and OM the illusion of a last family holiday together? Your daughter will be fine, do you honestly think she is unaware of the tension between you two. Of course she knows something is wrong, just not what that something is. Kids know far more than anyone gives them credit.
Your wife has already left the family, perhaps you should go ahead and literally have her leave.
Also, do not underestimate her ability to plan to leave with the child.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EAs typically move very quickly. They actually seem harder to stop tha n a PA. A few days can make all the difference in the world. Weeks long delay, you may as well file and forget about salvaging a mariage. 

I would guess you might have a fifty fifty shot if you jump on exposure right now. Wait another month and just call it slim or none.

From what you have written about your wife though, I would just wait and divorce her. She's a serial cheater, that's psycho trouble.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Guys, please with the pvssy talk, that couldn't be further from the truth. 11 yrs we've been together, the instant I uncovered something inappropriate, I immediately broke out the ultimatum - MC or D (all this before discovering TAM). She opted for the MC. Now that I've found out that she is having another EA approx 30 days after our last session, I've been patient and building up evidence for the attack. I just discovered this forum and it has helped me think of many things that I didn't consider. I need to get my ducks in a row before I blow the cover otherwise I'm in a bad position and unprepared. I can act like nothing is wrong and pull off the 180 until all contingencies are in order. Why bring a knife to a gun fight when I can build an A-bomb?
> 
> Someone please fill me in on what possibly can get that much worse in the next 25-30 days? She turns it from an EA to a PA? The marriage is going to be over, that is the outcome either way, there is no saving the marriage once I drop the bomb. I know my wife too well, she is stubborn as a mule and will never apologize and admit she is wrong. At this point I don't care what else she does, I'm moving on without hope of reconciliation. Truthfully, I hope it does escalate so there will be no doubt that he loses his job, his wife leaves him and my wife will have to live with the fact that she broke apart our family for the rest of her life. D is inevitable, why not plan it so the timing is convenient for me and mitigates damages to my daughter? I'm sorry but acting hastily doesn't make you a man and making sure you are strategic and have everything you need to obliterate certainly doesn't mean you are a pvssy.


I think you have a level head. We see your wife walking all over you, but you see it as well. I agree with your approach. IF it goes PA it really does not matter, just more ammo in the end. When I discovered in February 2013 that my wife never ended her A from 2011, I started the process for D. My wife went into panic mode and started dating other men, single guys, because she saw her future without me, she knew I was serious. The problem was the men she was seeking out. One in the end call her a nut case (they never physically met). The one was a former class mate of mine, who has become a popular theologian, but was and is one of the most conceited men I ever knew. 

I don't know if I could hold it together till after the holidays, but I do see your STBXW getting surprise.


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## Do_the_right_thing (Nov 28, 2013)

Thank you to all of those who have followed this post and offered your feedback. Really great community that has been built here.

Anyhow, I wanted to provide an update. I was able to hold it together during the holidays and enjoyed our 12 day vacation. I kept my poker face the entire time, not letting her know I was aware of her EA. After getting all my ducks in a row, I dropped the bomb this morning on my way to work. I left a personal letter of intent to divorce, a 42 page transcript of all the IMs from the EA, a copy of the petition of divorce I filed with the state with my wedding ring on top of the documents. I received a text about an hour later saying that “I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”. I followed up with “This isn’t my way, not what I wanted. It’s your way. Your actions, your behavior, your issues. You’ve given no other option”. A few hours went by and she responded “I think we need to have an amicable sit down discussion about how to move forward. We both want what’s best for our daughter, more than anything”.

Thoughts on what to say and how to handle? Yes, reconciling would be ideal but it would take some major changes on her part and I don’t have confidence she has it in her – assuming she even wants to reconcile.

I chose not to use an attorney at this point as I feel confident enough in the legal counsel I’ve received to handle things until I run into a snag. I would rather the money go to my daughter than to an attorney. My attorney is on cue should I need him.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did you tell OM's wife?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> “I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”.


Spoken like the true attorney she is......



> “This isn’t my way, not what I wanted. It’s your way. Your actions, your behavior, your issues. You’ve given no other option”.


I think you answered honestly and appropriately.



> “I think we need to have an amicable sit down discussion about how to move forward. We both want what’s best for our daughter, more than anything”.


And finally you have her take on things which is probably something you can both work with.

Your daughter.

Sit down with your wife and discuss how to move things forward.

Be cool, calm. Because I think you might finally get an honest repoire going with your wife.

She is obviously unhappy. She thinks with you but she is not a happy person. And nothing you do will make her happy.

Good Luck and do not let her play the victim. Remember, she is the one that needs individual counseling. Not you.

HM


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Make sure you don't let her talk you into settling for a separation. Any backing down on your part will put her back in control, at least in her mind. Full steam toward divorce. If she chooses to pursue you after the divorce, then you can consider it.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Do not talk to her at this time!!! Expose now before she tries to talk you out of it!!! Tell the OM'S wife and the OM's partners in the firm!! Scratch that.....tell the Partners first, then the wife. More than likely the OM's wife will try to keep it hush hush. She's an attorney with a lot at stake!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> *“I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”. *
> 
> *“I think we need to have an amicable sit down discussion about how to move forward. We both want what’s best for our daughter, more than anything”.
> *
> I don’t have confidence she has it in her – assuming she even wants to reconcile.


Yeah, I'd agree. She doesn't have it in her. If her responses aren't validation that you made the right choice, I don't know what would be. She's the opposite of remorseful, whatever that word is. In fact even worse, she seems apathetic.

Keep going forward with the D. You've done the right thing and handled things well. I suppose it's possible she'll turn around at some point, but don't expect it. If she does, please check back for more advice before you think about back tracking.

Good luck to you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

I sense that your WW is VERY worried about you blowing this entire A wide open by exposing her at work and to OMW.

You should follow through on both counts ASAP.

If you are committed to D, you can use work/HR exposure as leverage to make sure she is reasonable in the proceedings, but do not under any circumstances fail to let OMW know what a couple of POS's your WW and her scummy H have been.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She's one cold lady. She must have missed Emotions 101 in school. If she wants to attempt to repair the marriage she sure missed an opportunity to show she cares. 

Sounds like the idea of separation and counseling are about buying time... and the beginning of blame shifting. It is going to be your fault you are divorcing. 

I haven't read the thread. If you aren't a lawyer too, don't talk with her for a while. Let her stew and see if you can suss her thinking on a practical/tactical level.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Listening to her response to your actions, I felt almost a chill. So clinical, detached, and unfeeling. "....have it your way." It sounds like you need to ditch her as quickly as you possibly can. If that's been her general attitude throughout your marriage, it's hard to see how you could have put up with it for so long. You sound like a good man. Be happy. Love your little girl. Your happiness will be like fingernails on a chalkboard to your STBXW.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Just read your thread. Your wife is putting on a front...ignore it.

Good advice throughout the thread. Expose to OMW and to the new law firm. Keep going, and she will crumble at some point (especially if she doesn't get her man). She is probably crumbling/very fearful right now. The hard exterior always hides a fragile interior.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, I wouldn't sit down with a lawyer, without a lawyer. Sorry, I know she is your wife, but she may not have an off switch. 

That response was clinical and cold. At the least, get a neutral mediator and hash this out. You need a third party for your protection.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Remains said:


> Just read your thread. Your wife is putting on a front...ignore it.
> 
> Good advice throughout the thread. Expose to OMW and to the new law firm. Keep going, and she will crumble at some point (especially if she doesn't get her man). She is probably crumbling/very fearful right now. The hard exterior always hides a fragile interior.


I think this is exactly correct and I think the OP has told us what will happen if she does crumble.






Do_the_right_thing said:


> *Things I'm still on the fence about doing and/or when to do:*
> 
> Her comment about "he's not a threat..." makes me want to be the biggest threat either one of them have ever encountered (no physical harm of course, that is never an option). Ideas are welcome although realistically I know I need to be the better person.
> 
> *I want to cause as little drama as possible* and my upmost concern is the impact on my daughter.





Do_the_right_thing said:


> *Update:*
> Slowing getting everything in order to make a clean break *when/if I have to.*
> 
> *Ideally I would like for her to agree that she did the wrong thing and wont continue although she will never admit that what she is doing is inappropriate.*





Do_the_right_thing said:


> I hear you guys, and have thought this through and may even change my mind but this is where I'm at right now. …I know it will get worse (the lies, cheating, etc) but at this point does it really even matter? … *I've already accepted the situation I'm in*, at least I can have control over when and how I execute. ….Trust me, I'm at a point where this will not be dust under the rug, the line has been crossed for the last time.





Do_the_right_thing said:


> Someone please fill me in on what possibly can get that much worse in the next 25-30 days? She turns it from an EA to a PA? The marriage is going to be over, that is the outcome either way, *there is no saving the marriage *once I drop the bomb. *I know my wife too well, she is stubborn as a mule and will never apologize and admit she is wrong*.
> 
> *At this point I don't care what else she does, I'm moving on without hope of reconciliation.* Truthfully, I hope it does escalate so there will be no doubt that he loses his job, his wife leaves him and my wife will have to live with the fact that she broke apart our family for the rest of her life. * D is inevitable*, why not plan it so the timing is convenient for me and mitigates damages to my daughter?





Do_the_right_thing said:


> After getting all my ducks in a row, I dropped the bomb this morning on my way to work. I left a personal letter of intent to divorce, a 42 page transcript of all the IMs from the EA, a copy of the petition of divorce I filed with the state with my wedding ring on top of the documents. I received a text about an hour later saying that “I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”. I followed up with *“This isn’t my way, not what I wanted. It’s your way. Your actions, your behavior, your issues. * You’ve given no other option”. A few hours went by and she responded “I think we need to have an amicable sit down discussion about how to move forward. We both want what’s best for our daughter, more than anything”.
> 
> Thoughts on what to say and how to handle? *Yes, reconciling would be ideal but it would take some major changes on her part and I don’t have confidence she has it in her – assuming she even wants to reconcile*.


I can blame no man for wanting to save his family, I just want to point out that while the OP said divorce is inevitable, the reason for the inevitability is the stubbornness of the WW not the resolve of the OP.

When she crumbles I fear that the inevitable may be a false reconciliation. We may have another 2 year thread with a suffering BS wondering why his WS does not get how she has hurt him and him wondering how to help her “get it”.

Do_the_right_thing,

I think you are doing well and have the right attitude.

Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage, because it changes the cheater.

The excitement of being pursued, the chemicals that are released in the brain, and finally the chemical bonding that takes place during sex. 

As a result, you become an interference, any problems in the marriage are magnified, the guilt and blame form an insurmountable wall.

If you have any hope of reconciling then it would be very foolish of you to let this go PA.

reconciliation is less likely and you will double your pain in reconciliation, and make success that much more difficult.

The reason infidelity is different than many other marriage problems is that the correct steps of action are so counter-intuitive.
The 180, full exposure, filing for divorce, etc.

Betrayed spouses feel like these actions will end the relationship whereas they are in fact the best approach to save the relationship if possible.

The 180 is for you not her, it creates an emotional boundary and as much as possible a position of strength to make good, objective decisions.

Sometimes it does cause the WS to chase you again, but that is short lived and if you don’t have a plan to better yourself and your marriage it will fail.

You clearly have an un-healthy dynamic in your marriage for her to disrespect you so.

The fact the she is so willing to go outside of the marriage is a reflection of her character.
(BTW, there are some books and websites that are usually recommended here I hope you will follow through with them)

She has put two marriages and as many kids in jeopardy to screw around, she just did not think you were “with it” enough to ever catch on and catch her.

BTW her suggestion to do a separation and get IC is typical cheater strategy.
Have you ever seen the Bi-plane barn storming wing walkers?
All that is required for the wing walker to go from one C0ck pit to the other is for both pilots to fly level and true for the proper length of time. 

Separation is a sex vacation for a cheater, and if it does not work they can come back saying they made the biggest mistake of their life, and greatly minimize the consequences to themselves.
I hope you do not fall for it.

Is her affair quest an exit affair or a cake eating strategy? IDK.

Exposure blows up the affair and helps to knock the WW out of the fog, if you want a divorce then do not expose, she will make it over to the other c0ck pit and you will be free of her. That is for now anyway, until it all falls through, then often they come back wanting to try again. 

Often they try to string you a long a bit in order to keep you as plan B.

By then hopefully you will have moved on to a better woman. 
Most BS will not do the most important thing and file. We tell them over and again that to save it they must be willing to lose it. 

For many WS’s, the reality of losing their marriage and family is one of the few things that can facilitate true remorse, it is the consequences for their actions that gets through to the WS. Even if you don’t follow through with the divorce.

If you want to avoid sentencing yourself to the hell of limbo in a false reconciliation, then true remorse on her part is your passport.

We never recommend being weak, but if you want to reconcile, one thing that many WW’s say is they never realized how damaging what they did was until they saw the hurt in their BH’s eyes.
Women are emotional creatures, they feel their thoughts in a way that sometimes men have a hard time understanding.

I think when she crumbles you will take her back, I hope you do it with eyes wide open and follow the advice given here on TAM.

DTRT, I am sorry for what you are going through, I hope it works out for you because I really wish you well. 
Take care!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Do the right thing.

Your wife is an "The Fog". 

This is because she thinks that the primary relationship in her life is the one with the other lawyer.

If you want a chance at reconciling, then you need to stop this before you do anything else.

If you do not want to reconcile, then carry on but don't give her an inch. She will take you to the cleaners as she has the emotional upper hand and she sees herself as the victim - she will continue to do so until out of her fog.

Rather than make (another) rambling post right now, let us know if you would like to get her out of the fog and you will receive lots of advice.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> Thoughts on what to say and how to handle? Yes, reconciling would be ideal but it would take some major changes on her part and I don’t have confidence she has it in her – assuming she even wants to reconcile.


Please, please, don't offer R again, no rules, nothingsm don't let her know this is even an option. She's clearly gone.
Practical things, logistics, custody... avoid any kind of emotional displayal, refuses to discuss the past, your motivations, the reasons... Be "matter of fact".
She's a lier and an unrepetant repeat cheater thrrefor you are divorcing her sorry ass. Period.
Be sure she can't leave the state with your kid is she wants to start a new life with this OM while she climbs the corporate ladder.


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## FLman (Nov 6, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Please, please, don't offer R again, no rules, nothingsm don't let her know this is even an option. She's clearly gone.
> Practical things, logistics, custody... avoid any kind of emotional displayal, refuses to discuss the past, your motivations, the reasons... Be "matter of fact".
> She's a lier and an unrepetant repeat cheater thrrefor you are divorcing her sorry ass. Period.
> Be sure she can't leave the state with your kid is she wants to start a new life with this OM while she climbs the corporate ladder.


Always do drop the bomb on the OM wife too...not sure if you have nor not, but don't have pitty, all parties must take responsibility of their action, you have to be strong as others have acted like adolescent at your expense, while your doing your part!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

DTRT, as others have told you here, you are doing the right thing! However it is very important that you blow up the POSOM's world asap - this means first let his wife know. Then make this known to his employers, family, friends etc. This is not vindictive - this is putting the brakes potentially on a situation that could go PA very soon and if you have any ideas about R further down, this needs to be done now. This does not mean that you offer R at this point - do the 180 as others are advising.

She is well and truly in the fog brought on by some of her character defects - the defects led to her going outside the marriage for comfort on issues - the fog is causing the rush she experiences from doing this and as a result the rewriting of marital history, the blame shifting etc leading her to imagine that you are responsible for everything that has gone wrong and that he is the solution. As others have said, in her mind you have been replaced. As many of us know this is not what is going to happen longer term but he needs to be completely out of her life and NC for her to see this.

Expose, expose, expose - now!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> Bad idea. DO NOT tip him off.
> 
> Share your concerns with his wife. Send her the evidence. She will shut this down at her end far quicker than you. This should be OM's first inkling that you know; when his wife asks him to explain himself.
> 
> ...


This!!!!
Anything less and you will have messed up your one chance to salvage this.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So "shocking her" did not work..probably not unexpected but devastating none the less. 

Has her EA escalated during this month ?

At this point, all she is worried about is her public image and people's(family and mutual friend's) perception of her. How tempting would it be to expose and nuke everything ?? Probably not advisable though...



> “I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”.


For who? Maybe ask her on why she would need individual counseling? Maybe this is her hard headed way of acknowledging her guilt?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"How tempting would it be to expose and nuke everything ?? Probably not advisable though..."

I don't see a reason why he shouldn't.

Make the cheaters scramble to catch up with you.

Staying silent only allows the to prepare a better cover story and hide details/facts....denial and secrecy are still WW and POS's primary goals at this time.

Put them on the defensive...EXPOSE.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> DTRT, as others have told you here, you are doing the right thing! However it is very important that you blow up the POSOM's world asap - this means first let his wife know. Then make this known to his employers, family, friends etc. This is not vindictive - this is putting the brakes potentially on a situation that could go PA very soon and if you have any ideas about R further down, this needs to be done now. This does not mean that you offer R at this point - do the 180 as others are advising.
> 
> She is well and truly in the fog brought on by some of her character defects - the defects led to her going outside the marriage for comfort on issues - the fog is causing the rush she experiences from doing this and as a result the rewriting of marital history, the blame shifting etc leading her to imagine that you are responsible for everything that has gone wrong and that he is the solution. As others have said, in her mind you have been replaced. As many of us know this is not what is going to happen longer term but he needs to be completely out of her life and NC for her to see this.
> 
> Expose, expose, expose - now!



OP:
forget the fog. I think you're doing the right thing in divorcing her. She sounds pretty bad to me - a well educated but evil, conniving little wh0re. not fit for mariage, nor motherhood either I would bet. BTW could you clarify - you didn't mention whether she actually walks upright or slithers along on her belly. 

well, if you get my drift I'm showing you what contempt looks like. You should be feeling nothing else for her except that. Use your exposures as leverage for her very best cooperation in the divorce. then afterwards, and as you've mentioned and I agree with you - if I heard my wife talk about me that way ('not a threat....') divorce would be necessary but NOT sufficient. I would absolutely need blow her up further, her precious job in fact, even if it meant having to pay her alimony.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Do_the_right_thing said:


> I received a text about an hour later saying that “I would have recommended legal separation and individual counseling but have it your way”.


 “separation and individual counseling” is cheater speak for I want you as my Plan B as I take it to the next level with my affair partner (“AP”) free of you being around to get in the way. As a cheater, she will tell you (but only if you catcher her cheating) that since you were legally separated, having sex with her AP is not cheating. Never mind that she misrepresented that the separation and counseling was suppose to give you a chance at working things out in your marriage, when in fact as long as she was in an affair with her AP there would be little chance at working things out. Also, never mind that separation during marriage is not suppose to be used as a chance to have sex with others and then return to the marriage as if nothing had happened.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

A 42-page transcript!

You have much more control of her than you may think. She sounds cold and checked out to me, but will be sweating bullets about the proof that you have compiled and what you may do with it - specifically, whether you will blow up the OM's marriage. Which, of course, we all advise you to do. Not for revenge or schadenfreude, but because his BW has a right to know what kind of sleaze her WH is.

Pride goeth before a fall. Your WW has an inordinate amount of pride..

(Your thread reminds me of several others, notably shamwow, bff, and eric, all of whom had similarly smug unfaithful wives.)


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- stay strong- I know it's tough. Your wife chose this path at your expense and the expense of your marriage.

Expose to OMW and proceed forward. Even if she comes around and you attempt R. Still expose to OMW.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> So "shocking her" did not work..probably not unexpected but devastating none the less.
> 
> Has her EA escalated during this month ?
> 
> ...


I don't see it that way. I think she wants legal separation so she will be free to pursue the boss but still have OP in her back pocket as a back-up plan just in case the boss doesn't work out. 

Someone can be a very stubborn person, but that doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong. "If I were him, I would work hard because you are an amazing wife" (or whatever BS he wrote). Seriously? And she bought this cheesy line coming from a man who was looking for sex behind his wife's back? Oh the irony. 

It appears that OP's wife has been shopping for an exit affair. Her saying her own husband is no threat is very disrespectful. That shows how low her opinion of him. 

OP, please let his wife knows what her POS husband has been up to.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Stronger-now said:


> "If I were him, I would work hard because you are an amazing wife" (or whatever BS he wrote). Seriously? And she bought this cheesy line coming from a man who was looking for sex behind his wife's back? Oh the irony.


 This line got me too. Not only is there irony to him saying that, but it right out of the how to steal a woman from her man script. 

If you Google "how to steal a woman from her man", you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The standard advice always given is to first be their friend, and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man; the OP's wife did vent about her husband to the other man ("OM") and even told the OM what her husband said to the MC, in what should have been very confidential conversations. These sites tell you that no one is perfect, so no matter who her man is, there will always be issues that they can exploit. Typical of these sites, one site said "let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her", which sound like very similar to the OM telling the OP's wife that "If I were him, I would work hard because you are an amazing wife".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TRy said:


> in what should have been very *confidential conversations.*


Irony. She wronged him in a way that would get her disbarred.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

How are you doing DTRT? 

Hope it's not to late for this tip. Carry a VAR(voice activated recorder) with you when conversing with your WW. You need to watch out for yourself incase of false accusations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

TRy said:


> If you Google "how to steal a woman from her man", you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The standard advice always given is to first be their friend, and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man; the OP's wife did vent about her husband to the other man ("OM") and even told the OM what her husband said to the MC, in what should have been very confidential conversations. These sites tell you that no one is perfect, so no matter who her man is, there will always be issues that they can exploit. Typical of these sites, one site said "let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her", which sound like very similar to the OM telling the OP's wife that "If I were him, I would work hard because you are an amazing wife".


Ha. I think the real crime here is that she is cheating with someone who googles "how to steal a woman from her man." Can he get any lamer than that?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Stronger-now said:


> Ha. I think the real crime here is that she is cheating with someone who googles "how to steal a woman from her man." Can he get any lamer than that?


 I was not asserting that the wife's lover googled "how to steal a woman from her man", as I have no way of knowing. I was just saying that this is what they so commonly do when they go after another man's woman that you can google it. Just like cheater's do not need to google "cheaters script" to follow it, someone going after another man's woman does not need to google "how to steal a woman from her man" to follow a fairly predictable pattern. Although we like to think otherwise, in truth we as human's are all fairly predictable.


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