# Pregnant, alone and terrified! Do you think the 180 plan will help me?



## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

I am 33 weeks pregnant and found out my husband has been cheating the entire pregnancy. He only stopped as I found out – first time he swore he would stop and we went to councelling and I thought we were on track, then I found out it was still happening and that they had said I love you. It has not been physical (yet) but there have been sexually explicit texts which I find just as bad to be honest.
Since I found out he has now said he has been unhappy for a long time. I hate that he is using it as an excuse and feel really hard done by as he never told me how unhappy he was. He is now trying to make the decision if he wants to try and make us work. Its so hard to sit back and just wait to be chosen (thats what it feels like to me anyway) when in reality I am the one who has been hurt beyond what I ever thought I could be. I have a 3yr old and am due in 7 weeks – and am now on my own. I never ever thought he could do this to me.

I am willing to work on our marriage but I am not sure that he is.

Do you think the 180 will work on us? Its so hard to be happy and upbeat all the time as I feel so abandoned, vulnerable and alone. But I dont want to be the victim - I want to be strong and prove I can do it on my own just in reality I am not really sure that I can 

Thanks - any advice appreciated
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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're here.

Your husband is a despicable human being with no sense of responsibility for the life he chose to bring into this world.

The 180 is there to help you detach and stand on your own two feet, so implement it as best you can.

You'll find lots of support and advice here to get through this one way or another. But don't bear this burden on your own (especially at this late stage of your pregnancy). Tell your family or close friends the truth of what you're going through. Real life support will be invaluable.

Read this to understand what you're dealing with:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Keep posting and we'll help in any way we can.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Why should he get to decide? Do a 180. But it's not a tool for reconciliation, it's about moving on. Lean on loved ones for help. Worse case scenario you can get government assistance to help you. Also, your loser husband will have to pay child and spousal support. My point is you can and likely should do it without him. You will also need to get some counseling to help deal with all this drama and stress. This can effect your unborn child. Good luck. And you are stronger than you think.


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I'm just so scared...I live in Australia and have no family here at all. I have great friends but I'm not sure that's enough. I thought we would be together forever 
I really want to be strong and detach but what if it just makes him think I don't need him. 

In reality I do want him back but only if he loves me and wants it to work. I can't go through this again. Right now I feel like he doesn't love me anymore-I got the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you!' We have been together for 11 yrs. it's all I've known so I don't even feel like I know how to live on my own 

I'm sorry, this just feels so hopeless right now 
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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

It's probably of little comfort to you right now, but there are literally hundreds of people who have or are going through what you now all over this board.

Practically you have to secure your finances and make an appointment with a lawyer to see where you stand. 

You need to expose this affair to people that matter to you. What he is doing to you and your family will have him shunned.

I have no time at all for father's who casually and selfishly walk out on their responsibilities. He's not the prize he thinks he is.

Do you know who the Other Woman (OW) is? How did they meet?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Hurtandalone2013, 
I'm feeling your pain right now, you poor thing..

I was in a similar predicament in 2011. We were going great up until one night he drove home drunk n the next day we got into a heated argument about it and I said if your going to treat me like this then there's no point us being in a relationship together, and I was shocked when our kids told me that dad had left hours ago..

I assumed he was going to come back when he had cooled off and was thinking straight, but little did I know that he was secretly talking to a girl who had a crush on him back in high school. So him being away mafe it very easy for them to to talk and very quickly build a relationship via video chat/sex pretty much everything they could do but without meeting up with each other, and all while the OW had a fiancé too...

I was just over half way in our pregnancy (with twins) and it was already showing signs of being a very complicated pregnancy. 
He ended up having to move back into our house (the day he was supposed to moving in anyway) cause I was rushed to hospital due to early labour, I was only 27 weeks pregnant. The Drs were able to keep me pregnant up until 33 weeks, I was just under wsu too much stress and ended up nearly having a heart attack, literally, and being treated horribly by my so call partner for over13 years giving me the cold shoulder one day and then half lovey dovey yhe next and saying the same thing your partner said, the whole I love you but don't know if I'm in love with you and then taking it back then saying 4 days before I was planned to give birth he said 'now I know when you get out of hospital I have to move out and we are finished.' ETC. ..

I found out about their affair when the babies had just turned 6 weeks. The only way I can describe it is like mourning a death but worse as this person in my partners body had hijacked it.

The best advice I could give you is, look after you now, don't let him cause anymore stress on you or the baby. It's very very true that stress in pregnancy can cause problems with the baby/pregnancy/birth, as our 2&1/2 year olds are just coming around now. 
I know it's hard but show him and yourself that you are strong and make him feel like he's the one who's missing out, not you, you can do this by, actually there's a great website om how to do it, it does work, but if you do want to do it, be very sure causr you may just regret it later and you will have more drama's...

I wish you all the best with everything but please please please don't stress you and innocent bubby, it's something I wish I hadn't done, and the great thing about life is you really don't know what's around the corner.

So ask yourself do you really want that person as a partner or in house father for the rest of your life and always being suspicious, or would you rather prince charming? I believe there's always someone's perfect person out there, their 'price charming' and I would rather be alone and confident than being with someone who has low standards of morals. 

I live in Australia too, and there are many support groups around, you will be surprised. 

Sorry for the long long reply, your post really struck a nerve in me...

Again good luck and although you feel hopeless, you don't have to if you can hold your head up high and be strong and control your life. Don't let him control the terms with you, you need to dictate the terms to him and by being fair, ,rational and by showing very little emotion and not letting him have the best of both worlds, basically just be very blunt don't play games and text him all the time (shows that your desperate) and I wouldn't let him know much about your personal life now (he has no right to know anymore and it will definitely make him very curious... 

You can private message me if you want some help on anything? ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> It's probably of little comfort to you right now, but there are literally hundreds of people who have or are going through what you now all over this board.
> 
> Practically you have to secure your finances and make an appointment with a lawyer to see where you stand.
> 
> ...


Agree completely!
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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> It's probably of little comfort to you right now, but there are literally hundreds of people who have or are going through what you now all over this board.
> 
> Practically you have to secure your finances and make an appointment with a lawyer to see where you stand.
> 
> ...


Yes I know her, well I have met her at least once. She works in the same company as him but in a different office (in another country). However she comes to his office a few times a year. 
She worked in his office for over a yr before she moved to the other. But he was there in Feb for 2 weeks on business. 
This all apparently started when he got back 

She is coming to his office next week for 1.5 weeks. They have a team building weekend away and I just know he will make no attempts not to see her and I bet he will still go away even though he knows it will kill me.

He is maintaining that he has stopped contact with her while he is sorting his head out but I know he will see/talk/god knows what else next week. 

He has asked me not to tell my family - in case we do sort this out. He doesnt want anyone to know what an a**hole he is.
So far I have agreed but I really feel like I need to speak to someone. Its so lonely. If I do tell them he will be so angry and it will push him away even further right?

Thanks for your reply


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A friend went through this whilst pregnant with twins. She did a 180 and it helped her heal.


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Hurtandalone2013,
> I'm feeling your pain right now, you poor thing..
> 
> I was in a similar predicament in 2011. We were going great up until one night he drove home drunk n the next day we got into a heated argument about it and I said if your going to treat me like this then there's no point us being in a relationship together, and I was shocked when our kids told me that dad had left hours ago..
> ...


Thank you so much for your reply - it made me feel alot better today. I feel stronger. I actually did my hair and makeup and made myself feel nice this morning. Not sure why but this helps!

I ate a full breakfast and will make an effort to eat more. I have lost a kg in two weeks and the doctor was not too happy. At this stage of pregnancy I should be gaining every week. Baby is measuring fine though so thats good. He has referred me for counselling which I really hope helps with my self esteem. 
You are right...why am I letting him affect my little baby. Just because he doesnt care doesnt mean I dont. I hate him for making me wish I wasnt pregnant  We both wanted this baby and tried for 8 months to get pregnant. This is why I am so hurt that he says he was so unhappy...why bring another child into our lives.

My son is definitely showing signs of being affected already. He is only 3 and understands something is wrong, the tantrums are insane but its not his fault. Just harder for me to deal with them when I am emotional myself!

How are you doing now....did you come out the other side ok? You said you found out about the affair when your baby was 6 weeks old..do you mean full blown physical affair?


I have no doubt this will happen to me...he swears it wont but he loves her and she will be in his office for a week and a half. My friends think he needs to get it out of his system and he will realise its not all hes imagining it will be! If he does sleep with her I am not sure I want him back. My trust in him is shattered and he has hurt me beyond what I ever thought I could be hurt.
But what if he does truely love her...that will be that. I have no choice in the matter then!

Thanks again for sharing your story with me....it has given me the strength to get through today xx


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> Thank you so much for your reply - it made me feel alot better today. I feel stronger. I actually did my hair and makeup and made myself feel nice this morning. Not sure why but this helps!
> 
> I ate a full breakfast and will make an effort to eat more. I have lost a kg in two weeks and the doctor was not too happy. At this stage of pregnancy I should be gaining every week. Baby is measuring fine though so thats good. He has referred me for counselling which I really hope helps with my self esteem.
> You are right...why am I letting him affect my little baby. Just because he doesnt care doesnt mean I dont. I hate him for making me wish I wasnt pregnant  We both wanted this baby and tried for 8 months to get pregnant. This is why I am so hurt that he says he was so unhappy...why bring another child into our lives.
> ...


You might need to consider using CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for the little love birds.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> He has asked me not to tell my family - in case we do sort this out. He doesnt want anyone to know what an a**hole he is.


What he really wants is for you to be quiet so he can have his affair with the minimum of fuss. Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. The last thing he wants is for everyone to know what an a**hole he is. And let's not beat around the bush; He is an a**hole, there's no getting away from that. 



> So far I have agreed but I really feel like I need to speak to someone. Its so lonely. If I do tell them he will be so angry and it will push him away even further right?


It's amazing how a despicable, back-stabbing, betraying cheater can still feel they are a prize and should call the shots. 

Your best shot is to expose the affair; to your family, his and your mutual friends. And most probably at work too (see what other posters think before you do). This stops their affair being wonderful and exciting and makes him the subject of scorn. Too bad for him. What he's doing to you and your unborn, the stress he's putting through, puts two lives at risk. He'll throw a tantrum much the same as your three year-old when he doesn't get his own way. 

BTW, if you read other threads on this forum you'll see that they're pretty much the same. The details change a little, but it's largely the same story repeated over and over. ALL cheaters re-write their marital history in order to give themselves permission to cheat. You husband is no different. He was never 'so unhappy', he's just saying it now to try to justify the unjustifiable.

Your marriage as you knew it, is over. He killed it. Accept this. Be strong.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I can rattle off ten women this happened to. Some family. Some friends. They all survived. And so will you. Start by making decisions to take control of your life.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> He has asked me not to tell my family - in case we do sort this out. He doesnt want anyone to know what an a**hole he is.
> So far I have agreed but I really feel like I need to speak to someone. Its so lonely. If I do tell them he will be so angry and it will push him away even further right?
> Thanks for your reply


This is what I thought when I had DDay Number 1. I didn't tell anyone partly because I was afraid of WH being mad and pulling away because of it. When DDay Number 2 happened, I thought I was done and didn't care anymore. I exposed to his parents, his best friend's wife and my family. Best thing I ever did, after the VAR to verify the A. He was mad at first but he even said the look of disappointment on his mother's face was a big part of what shocked him out of it and actually made him realize how badly he was hurting people.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> Yes I know her, well I have met her at least once. She works in the same company as him but in a different office (in another country). However she comes to his office a few times a year.
> She worked in his office for over a yr before she m ved to the other. But he was there in Feb for 2 weeks on business.
> This all apparently started when he got back
> 
> ...


Please don't think that you will get him back by keeping his secret. Have a very long think of what he is asking you to do? 
Basically you are appearing weak and desperate enough to keep his secret for just incase you get back with him, and your sending the msg that after everything hr has put you through and what he is potentially going to put you through (by spending over a week with this OW) it's like your giving him permission to treat you like this and you will keep his secret and even consider getting back with him? He will never respect or love you if you keep acting this way, and he won't change unless he is exposed for what he did. 
You need to talk to family, friends anyone who you have in your life, its unfair and selfish for him to ask you to do that, it's cslled 'rug sweeping'
If I were you I would tell him to not contact you for a while and that you need your space, for at least a week, during that time I would be talking to everyone about it, if hry ttied to call you before a week had past, I would ignore all his attempts to contact you. 
DON'T let him get away guilt free and without ruining his reputation, or you could just create a monster :-(
Remember you shouldn't be ashamed for his bad actions, he's the one who crossrd the line.
Good luck X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> Thank you so much for your reply - it made me feel alot better today. I feel stronger. I actually did my hair and makeup and made myself feel nice this morning. Not sure why but this helps!
> 
> I ate a full breakfast and will make an effort to eat more. I have lost a kg in two weeks and the doctor was not too happy. At this stage of pregnancy I should be gaining every week. Baby is measuring fine though so thats good. He has referred me for counselling which I really hope helps with my self esteem.
> You are right...why am I letting him affect my little baby. Just because he doesnt care doesnt mean I dont. I hate him for making me wish I wasnt pregnant  We both wanted this baby and tried for 8 months to get pregnant. This is why I am so hurt that he says he was so unhappy...why bring another child into our lives.
> ...


Oh boy, reading your reply brings back so many very familiar thoughts and feelings. We too had been trying to get pregnant for close to a year, and he wanted it so much more than me, I remembered thinking and feeling the exact same thing 'if you were so unhappy and had been falling in and out of love with me for years, WHY BRING AN INNOCENT BABY INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP? ' yep it's a selfish act but then again everything he did was very very selfish and stupid. There were times I thought of giving up the babies (we were having twins again) I was thinking ridiculous things due to the amount of stress I was under, and being pregnant with lots of medical complications effecting my jyhinking. There are so many things that still emotionally hurt me, like she was the 1st person he called to give the news that our twins were born and I NICU, while earlier he wss just holding my hand, crying and telling me how much he loves me. ..? There are a million triggers that could effect me but I'm ay s stage now whetr im sick of thinking of all the bad and really wanted to focus on the good and enjoy my life with or without him. Once I got to that stage, it was so weird how quickly he wanted me and our family back. Probably cause of the more positive and happiness in the family that he was missing out of and I think he thought it was a challenge to try and get me/us back (our older kids were disgusted with him and also didn't speak to him for a couple of weeks. I also outted both of them, it wasvery eembarrassing for him as he loves his work and I told someone who works there what happened and she was very shocked and the news spread very wuickly, it was a long time before he could hold his head up high but it worjed wonders ss it sort of forced him to prove to everyone that he wasn't a jerk...! (You should research why you should expose affairs) 
The best thing that helped me the most emotionally was definitely going to counseling, please please please find a relationship counselor or if you feel the need to talk there and then call Life Line. Oh and talk to your dr about a health care plan, this will allow you to see a psychologist or counselor of your choice for free for 10-12 times, after that you should get a discount rate.
Thinking about you, good luck and stay strong, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel ;-)
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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

I have read the original post here ... and quickly glanced at the brilliant replies.

I have to go out for a couple of hours, but when I get back ... well, I will have PLENTY to say.

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF! 

Hey, the hair and make-up was a good move. Keep that up!!

Usually I am fairly mild-mannered ... but your situation has made by blood boil. HOW DARE HE !! (and HER as well!)

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF ... YOU and YOUR 3 YEAR OLD are so important ... nobody else matters.

Is it ok if I continue when I get back?? Please let me know if you want me to 'shut up'.

I feel for you. I don't want to say that I feel sorry for you, because you are above that ... but of course, I have huge sympathy.

A trauma counsellor (a University Professor no less) gave me some advice in 2002 ... in latin ... when I asked for a translation he said "Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down!"

Gotta go ... take care/keep well

and please, let me know if you want me to continue along these lines .. or not

bye


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

I agree with everything you are saying...I know I need to tell my family and I have told him I won't keep it a secret at his work for the two of them but
I think he knows I'm too proud to say it to everyone. It makes me embarassed...like they will all think wow she must have been a really horrible wife to make him do something like that 

I didn't contact him once today and by 10.30am I had a message off him which I ignore and then had another and then a text. He apparently is really worried about me and wanted to know if I was ok. Makes me laugh...he pretends he's so concerned. I said yep I'm great and told him out son was good too and that was it. He replied again saying he was worried about me and did I eat/sleep ok. I didn't reply...makes me so mad. How can he pretend to care after all he has done!

Please do continue 'disconnected' love to hear what you have to say...all the advice helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> It makes me embarassed...like they will all think wow she must have been a really horrible wife to make him do something like that


No. You're wrong there. Everybody who hears what your husband is doing is thinking "He's cheating and walking out on his pregnant wife? What an utter sc*mbag"

There's really not much more I can add, I'm sorry. Please continue to look after yourself.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> I agree with everything you are saying...I know I need to tell my family and I have told him I won't keep it a secret at his work for the two of them but
> I think he knows I'm too proud to say it to everyone. *It makes me embarassed...like they will all think wow she must have been a really horrible wife to make him do something like that *
> I didn't contact him once today and by 10.30am I had a message off him which I ignore and then had another and then a text. He apparently is really worried about me and wanted to know if I was ok. Makes me laugh...he pretends he's so concerned. I said yep I'm great and told him out son was good too and that was it. He replied again saying he was worried about me and did I eat/sleep ok. I didn't reply...makes me so mad. How can he pretend to care after all he has done!
> 
> ...


Hi, thanks for listening to my 'rant' before about how you have been treated so outrageously.

I don't have much in the way of advice - I wish I did - but I mainly come to TAM/CWI for advice on my situation ... which is nowhere near as tough as yours. 

This forum is invaluable. Very informative, very supportive, very knowledgeable. Aside from the advice received here, I find it amazing how some of the turmoil WH is putting me through has already been tried by other WHs on their BS. Seriously, I thought that some of the things WH was putting me through was the first time this had ever happened in the history of the world! How naïve is that!!

The one I was subjected to most was how it was my fault that he had fallen out of love with me. He tried to convince me that our problems were nothing to do with the 27 year old "just a friend" who had intruded into our marriage. According to WH it was the stress I was subjecting him to that caused our problems. Oh, really?? (I continually apologised to him, and begged for a chance to get our marriage back on track). That is until I read WH's emails to OW, declaring his undying and true love, and how much he would like to marry her. Oh yes, that sounds very platonic ... hhmmmmm. 

Also, I have never known him to lie ... and yet I have now caught him out in so many eg Me - did you go on any holidays with OW while I was away? WH - No. (He doesn't know I have the bank statement showing 2 cc withdrawals, dated baggage tags identifying the flights to/from beach resort ... and from his camera two lovely photos of them lying on deckchairs, smiling lovingly at each other ..)

I think I recall your H putting you through similar turmoil - saying that he is not to blame for the state of your marriage. Please don't be like me and believe what your H says. *Like my BH* should read WH not BH ..., yours is trying to justify his dreadful behaviour. Why do they think it is ok to do this? Don't believe anything negative that he may say about you or what you do. They do everything possible to justify their dreadful behaviour ... and they do this by dumping their garbage onto us, the BS. Outrageous!! 

I am easily old enough to be your mother. My children are probably all older than you. I have one grandson, with another grandbaby due next April - therefore I'm allowed to say that your welfare comes FIRST ... absolutely FIRST. If you are strong and happy in yourself (forget about him ... ) then this will flow on to your son and the baby. But you will know all this. 

The hair and the makeup will help tremendously. Anything that lifts your spirits. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful still.

Do whatever you can that will make you happy. 

(Near the end of my pregnancies, I would pull out my pre-pregnant clothes and imagine myself wearing them again. It was a boost when I was at my largest to know that being huge was temporary, and that the baby would be 'first prize' at the end).

Follow your instincts. If you get 'vibes' about his behaviour, then trust them - and act on them to YOUR benefit. 

I wish you well. I look forward to reading further posts on your thread. Take very good care of YOU. Good luck.


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

I am more confused than ever...

Got a text yesterday saying when he came over to see our son last night maybe we could talk after...I assumed he wanted to talk about his decision or something related. So I worried all day then when I finally saw him he said... oh I didn't really want to talk about that...just shoot the breeze... wtf?? Does he think we can go back to just being friends or something?

So it was basically a mistake because it turned into a discussion/argument about what was happening, what has happened and what's going to happen. I got upset and angry...both of which I was trying so hard to avoid doing 

He basically told me is really annoyed that I am telling people he cheated. That he thinks I am making it sound a lot worse than it actually is and dragging his name through the mud. When the real issue is our marriage and that the OW is not the problem at all. He told me his counsellor asked him could he think of a time he was happy, a time he would want us to go back to if he could fix our marriage. And he gave a time 4 years ago....what hope do I have? We only got married 1 year ago....we had our honeymoon, we tried for a baby for 8 months and all he could come up with was a time 4 years ago. That hurt me so much. I feel like he is making out our marriage was horrible and it really wasn't. 

Now I am doubting myself about everything...

Thing is the cheating is a massive deal to me. And it was cheating in my eyes. He was not just texting another girl...as he is telling people.

He text, called, instant messaged, emailed her. He told her he loved her. He told her he wanted to bend her over a desk and well you know.... he didn't JUST text her. He nearly kissed her when she was here...fine I get they didn't but they got as far as being in a situation where they could have. I feel like he is belittling my feelings and making me feel like I am over reacting 
I don't know what I should feel.

He still is no closer to making a decision about whether he wants to try and fix our marriage. Is it just me or the fact that it is taking so long is a sign in itself?? Surely its a simple question....does he love me enough to give it a shot and try?? And to me the answer is no.

He has said he will move back in here on when his week long rental is up on the studio apartment. He said he will be home by 5 everyday and won't go out on nights out while the OW is here. He has said he also won't go on the weekend away. He said he will do this to make me feel better while she is here...but he will still see her everyday in work.
I was really angry last night so didn't really acknowledge this but I guess at least he is making an effort to prove to me that he is not talking to her now. He said he wouldn't while he is making his decision but I really am not sure if I believe him.

I half think he wants to move in to make himself look better to people...to prove that he is the 'good' guy. Moving in to help as I am heavily pregnant. Not abandoning me...

Argh sorry this just all tumbled out...I have no idea what to think, say, act or do! Its a joke!

Well done if anyone has actually read this far!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> It's amazing how a despicable, back-stabbing, betraying cheater can still feel they are a prize and should call the shots.


Boy, if that ain't the truth!

Your H takes the cake for lying, cheating rat [email protected] He is a true scvmbag. And he thinks he's a prize.

Do the 180 and stick with it. You don't have to be cheerful and sunny. Just keep your conversation with him to business only and then go about your own life, which right now should be completely focused on having a healthy baby and taking care of your child and yourself.

Show him that he doesn't call the shots. It's your life, after all.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell him that you understand he is in love with another woman and you don't want to ruin his joy. Add that you are strong and you will make it without him. Say that if he is worried what people will think, you will tell them that he assured you that he would pay child support.

Why do you need him now if he is just going to leave ASAP after you give birth?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

The reason he keeps coming back just to "talk" is that he is checking up on you. He wants to see where you are emotionally, push your buttons and control you. I know, I've been through it. Like people are saying, you don't have to act cheerful, see if you can act bored and that he is wasting your time.. Don't let him make you mad. Friends aren't family, but they can still support you and spend time with you. I'm praying for you. I hope it gets better,


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop. Giving. Him. Control!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> He text, called, instant messaged, emailed her. He told her he loved her. He told her he wanted to bend her over a desk and well you know.... he didn't JUST text her. He nearly kissed her when she was here...fine I get they didn't but they got as far as being in a situation where they could have. I feel like he is belittling my feelings and making me feel like I am over reacting
> I don't know what I should feel.


 Nearly? LOL. If he gave you that then more happened. A majority of the betrayed spouses here, who found out about a physical affair, will tell you it was "nothing happened" or " we just kissed." 



> He still is no closer to making a decision about whether he wants to try and fix our marriage.


As hard as it may be, take the decision out of his hands.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Boy, if that ain't the truth!
> 
> Your H takes the cake for lying, cheating rat [email protected] He is a true scvmbag. And he thinks he's a prize.
> 
> ...


Exactly what I was going to say...
If he was my H, I would be speaking to him very business like, short direct questions and answers with no emotion in them/holding my cool.
I definitely would have told him that him moving back in may not be a good idea, as you need more time for you to get your head around things and with him being there could stress you out even more. You really need your space for a while, it's way too soon for him to be moving back in and I believe that it was very arrogant (can't think of the right word) dominating - like what he says goes and you don't have a say in the decision of him moving back.

I wish that you could have stuck to not having any face to face contact with him and had just text him very short direct msg's, only if needed and no more than twice a day or none, this would have triggered massive curiosity about you in him, and he would start to miss you and then he would realize how strong you are and fear that he msy loose everything. 

If you do want to fix your marriage, you have to make a stand by not letting him walk all over you and giving him everything he wants at a time when he shouldn't be rewarded. 

Please please please get into counseling yourself, maybe even tell H that you are going to counseling and if YOU (Not him) decide to try and work things out that MC would be one of the conditions. 

You could try ang Google 'How to get my husband back' there are quite a lot of interesting info, it worked for me and everyone I know who has followed the instructions...

Good luck...
OH, and I forgot to mention in my last post how proud I was that you did your hair and make up and made you feel better about yourself,it boosts your self esteem, so try to do it everyday ;-)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Hi. I have been thinking about you and your situation. I hope you are well, and that all is going ok for you. Please take care.


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

Thanks for thinking of me...here's an update.

So I made my husband move out about 3 weeks ago, told him it was over as far as I was concerned and I was doing really well....absolutely exhausted but felt I was stronger knowing I had made some sort of decision. Although he was trying to do his part in looking after our son it was more like he would take him out to playground, skate park or for dinner etc then drop him back so I was still pretty much doing everything myself and being 36 weeks pregnant it was starting to take it's toll. 

He realized he looked very bad, or someone told him to get his act together because on Sunday he just walked back in, started making himself breakfast and told me he was moving back in to 'help' me until the baby comes. Nothing I could say or no amount of me screaming at him in anger would make him leave so he's staying on our couch the last few nights. I don't know why he is doing this...part of me thinks he does want to help but part of me thinks it's so he looks good. He also said he wants to save money by staying with us and that making him live away is making us grow apart and he will find it very hard to try fix us. Does this seem like blackmail?

He still hasn't made his 'decision' but every day that goes by makes me more and more angry and resentful towards him 
I hate him living here...I've to act like its all ok and he chats like we are friends and we sit and watch tv at night but inside it's breaking my heart that he doesn't love me anymore  I know deep down he doesn't want to be with me or he would have said lets try this again. It can't take this long to decide...you either love someone or you don't right?
He has had no contact with the OW as far as I know...for some reason I believe him but don't ask me why!

My mum is coming to stay in a week for 5 weeks to help with the baby and he said he would move back out then...I have a feeling he will never move back in. He is very scared of what's going to happen when my mum gets here and I don't really blame him...she is going to kill him.

So at the end of all that I guess the main point is I am still no better off. Still in limbo and still feeling pathetic. I just don't know what to do...accept his help and the fact he is just trying to do the 'right' thing or let my anger get the better of me...throw him out and only let him do visitation with our son.

Sorry for rambling x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell him that you love him and will go to his funeral.

There is no need to talk and plead. It will not work.

Part of the problem now is that he must become a stronger better person. Tell him that.

"You do not love me the way a husband should. You do not love your children the way a father should. This is because you are weak. For you to love us, you must become a much stronger person. I am not going waste my life trying to strengthen you. I will strengthen myself. Good luck with your life."

Don't watch TV with him. Read a book. TV is one thing that stops people from thinking an acting.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> He still hasn't made his 'decision' but every day that goes by makes me more and more angry and resentful towards him


You really have to make his decision for him by getting your divorce underway. 

I realise right now you have far bigger priorities but it frankly angers me to see your unbelievably selfish husband treat the pregnant mother of his child in this way.


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> .
> 
> I have no time at all for father's who casually and selfishly walk out on their responsibilities. *He's not the prize he thinks he is.*


That's the truth! :iagree:


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi HurtAndAlone. I'm in Australia too which makes 3 of us on your thread.  Like everyone I'm as angry as all hell. And what a despicable piece of work the POSOW is. 

Sorry I'm ranting as I feel for you so much but this is what I would do *if it were me.* And I'm not 33 weeks pregnant. 

I would blow them out of the water, nicely timed just before the POSOW arrives.You know people at his work. Hmmmm! Or a friend of yours could 'happen' to tell someone at his work. POSOW wouldn't enjoy her business trip too much. She should also be outed to her family and friends. Anyone who hears this story will see them for what they are so do NOT worry about what people think of you. Outing him/them doesn't even come close to what he did and you can tell him that politely.

He will say he was just texting a colleague as he did to you, so make sure people know that he texted he would like to bend her over the office desk and 'you know what'. Grrrrr! In my view he might as well have done it. I would include it in a short email to your family and friends to let them know what has happened. Nothing like hearing it from the horses mouth and hearing the truth. He may try to pass it off that you were pregnant and emotional and it was just a few texts to a colleague. This is the type of thing that WS will do. 

He seems to be more worried about looking bad than anything else so in my view he needs to be outed and deal with the consequences of his actions. I think you will also get wonderful support when your friends find out which is very important. You mustn't deal with this alone. 

The way he waltzed back into your home was outrageous without you two discussing it. And his reasons for moving back, that you won't fix it by being apart and to save money? Doesn't the same hold true whether your Mum is here or not? Moving out when your Mum gets here seems somewhat premeditated. He also said he wanted to talk to you and then arrived and said he just wanted to shoot the breeze???

I agree a total 180 is needed now if you can muster up the energy and courage. You can't have him moving in and out as he pleases with you keeping quiet about it while he makes up his mind whether he will stay with you. It's sheer arrogance and he assumes you will comply and stay with him regardless. 

I would consider kicking him out now if you are up to it. It will make him look bad and his agenda seems to be not to look bad. 

He is not respecting you and I agree the 180 is the only way to get it back. If he does things like home at 5pm and not going on the team building while POSOW is here do not be at all grateful, just nod politely. 

I will follow your posts.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't cook for him. Don't do his laundry. Do the 180 hard. Perhaps if your mum can come sooner it will get him out of the house. 

This guy is such a jerk.

Lawyer up and at least find out what all your options are.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I've been thinking of you HurtandAlone.
How are you doing?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

My repost from other threads. Hope this helps you. Good luck.



1. Cheaters stay in a relationship/marriage only if there are not enough suitable outside options.

2. To be honest in a relationship you need empathy. Cheaters don't have it. Empathy is not something that suddenly grows inside of you when a divine light shines upon you.

3. Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror. A cheater is not a decent person's time and effort. Why do you want to stay with the WS? Why is the WS such a catch? Why is your worth so low?

4. File for divorce. Start IC asap with a therapist experienced in infidelity related matters.

5. Protect yourself financially.

6. You have enough self-esteem not to tolerate cheating. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

7. You deserve better and you can get better. You deserve to live free, free from the fear of being cheated on and free from a life of constant fear.

8. Your children need a role model, someone who will teach them acceptable behavior and boundaries. If you forgive and accept your WS's behavior, you will set up very bad examples for your children, and this will lead to further heartaches. 

9. You are responsible for your happiness. Never in future tie your own happiness with someone or something. It will lead to pain and sufferings. Happiness has to come from within.

10. Embrace the light, knowledge, and freedom. It will get better if you want to get it better.


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## hurtandalone2013 (Oct 9, 2013)

Thanks for all the help and advice.

I did manage to get him to leave finally on Sunday. But all he can talk about is how expensive it is staying in hotels, or he doesnt want to get a long term lease in case he changes his mind, or stay in his cousins because its not a nice place etc etc

He really does not see why he cant stay with us...... its delusional?!

I know I should be just moving on, but the truth is I get more and more angry every day. What kind of man does this.... dont get me wrong. I would not expect him to stay married to me if he isnt happy. But in my eyes he didn't try to fix us - he just decided on his own we weren't fixable. And then cheated on me with her. He didn't tell me how unhappy he was and I am not a mind reader  It was only once I found out the second time about this girl that he decided to mention how unhappy he has been for years apparently.

Thats another thing... He flat out denies that it is cheating. I know it was not a PA, but he told someone else he loved her, he sent sexually explicit texts to her, he basically had a girlfriend for my entire pregnancy and to be honest I only believe it was not a PA because she doesnt live in this country. Does anyone think this is NOT cheating? What am I meant to call it?

How do I move past the anger? He thinks when we do see each other we should just be able to talk about normal stuff. And for me not to get mad. But just seeing him waltz in the door and taking our son to the playground or something fun then dropping him back when hes done just irritates me. I think he is the most heartless selfish b*stard to do this to our kids... our unborn child will never know what its like to grow up with a dad  But he just says he knows lots of people whose parents divorced and they are fine...

And then he still says "oh I havent mind my decision yet" .... like I am just going to wait around for ever for him and welcome him back with open arms. AHHHHHH can you tell I am having a bad morning.

Sorry, I am 37 weeks pregnant, sick from the stress of it all so on antibiotics and still at work full time while caring for our 3yr old. I just feel like its all getting too much 

Thanks for letting me rant


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

hurtandalone2013 said:


> Thanks for all the help and advice.
> 
> I did manage to get him to leave finally on Sunday. But all he can talk about is how expensive it is staying in hotels, or he doesnt want to get a long term lease in case he changes his mind, or stay in his cousins because its not a nice place etc etc
> 
> ...


Well you are going through what I went through prior to my divorce. It sounds like you are doing things a lot smarter than I did. I allowed my xW to fill my head full of lies hoping she really just loved me. She was just waiting for the right next guy to come along. I called her on it when I found she was cheating again. She denied it. I then found a email she wrote to him about how she made love to me but dreamed it was him. Let me tell you that hurt. Within minutes of seeing that email I kicked her out. I did not let her grab anything but her coat. Out the door she went and I filed for divorce. The anger does go away in time. You just learn how to cope. Its been six years for me and I still hate her. lol So maybe I am not the one to ask how to deal with anger. lol 

Clay


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is a very typical cheater (albeit of the least honorable variety, i.e., a man who does this to his pregnant wife).

He is rewriting your marital history to whitewash his own conscience. This is standard, absolutely standard. Please stop swallowing this. He has only been unhappy with you since he decided to have his cake and eat it too with another woman. Don't let his rewrite chip away at your confidence.

And...who says it's his choice whether he stays in the marriage? He's telling you that he hasn't made his mind up yet. If I were you, I would let him know that it takes two to tango and he can do all the deciding he wants, but if it's not what you want, then it's irrelevant.

I think it was Long Walk earlier who advised you to tell him to just go find his bliss, that you wish him well on his journey. That's what I would do. Tell him that he's free to go and find his happiness, just the way that you will now look for yours. After all, you have two children depending on you and you need to be healthy and whole.

Take care of yourself and the baby. That's #1 priority. Tell him to take his self-absorbed drama somewhere else.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you going HurtandAlone?


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