# New here, and am seriously considering separating with my husband.



## Kirby6

Hi, 

I'm a new member, but I've been reading threads from here for a few months. I've been married almost 5 years, and together for 7 years. 

Let me first start off by saying that this decision I've made has been a long time in the making. I love my husband, but as a my friend and not as my lover. I haven't been in love with him for over 2 years, but the idea of separating from him hasn't come up until about 8 months ago. Granted we get along great, but if you didn't know we were married you could never tell. We look like best friends, and not husband and wife. I decided that this was the best decision because I'm no longer happy, and I can feel myself emotionally disconnecting from him more and more. I feel like I can't deal with our problems anymore because I've tried in the past and nothing has changed. Because of this I no longer engage in sex with him, I push him away more than I let him in. I feel this act I've been putting on with him is not fair to him, because he really is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him by making him believe this marriage is solid.

What I want to know is, even though I've made this decision how does one cope with the guilt and sadness over this decision? I fear the backlash from my family, and my friends. I'm afraid of being on my own, and being alone. I feel this conflict is like a way of saying I'm not wanting this separation, but than when I think of calling it off I get more depressed that I'm taking a step in the wrong direction. Is this normal?

I'm just so confused


----------



## Entropy3000

Sorry, that I am not answering your question directly. You have made a decision already. In this situation I would have advice for your husband for sure. He needs this website. Your situation sounds fairly typical. There are reasons why people fall into the I Love You But Am Not I Love With You at key periods of a marriage.

If I was advising him I would tell him to look into the resources on this website, the Married Man Sex Life and for you guys to look into the His Needs Her Needs stuff on Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice.

Have you found anyone else who you find more attractive than your husband? I am not accusing you of anything. Sometimes that contributes to these things. Sometimes it is contact with someone on facebook for example.


----------



## Kirby6

Understandable, thank you for any sort of advice you can give


----------



## broken1

Kirby6,

First I want to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it hasn't been an easy decision to make and although I'm not going to sound very sympathetic in the rest of my response, I am familiar with what you're feeling.

That being said, I believe you are making the wrong decision. I have little respect for people who give up on marriage because they're not "happy." Unless there are more serious issues you have not mentioned in your post, then you're a perfect example of why the divorce rate in this country is as high as it is. You are looking for your husband to make you "happy." This is a very immature understanding of what a marriage is actually supposed to be. You feel disconnected because you have chosen to disconnect. You should feel guilt. You are considering backing out of a lifetime commitment you made to your best friend who trusted your commitment enough to give everything to you. The commitment in a marriage doesn't just apply to staying together for life. It also means that you do whatever necessary to work through your issues together and grow as a couple. You're supposed to stick it out even when you don't feel like it because you are both willing to do your part in showing a Godly unconditional love. If you did that completely got rid of this crap about feeling "happy" and "disconnected" then you would find that you've been looking at it all wrong. You're not in a fairy tale. A successful marriage is not easy to maintain. In fact its impossible if all you think about is how you "feel" and allow your emotions to drive. You need to step up and handle it like a grown woman.

Not trying to be mean. Sounds like your mind is already made up so my two cents probably means nothing to you. But if you'd actually ponder what I'm saying and give it a try it might actually spare you both of a very stupid decision. Also, I'm assuming you've clearly communicated ALL of this with your husband and he just doesn't get it...? (that seems to be the overwhelming position). If so, I can assure you he doesn't get it and you probably have not communicated it as well as you think.

Good luck.


----------



## colletteannca

Well Kirby6...you have a fellow member who is in or should I just say coming out of your exact situation. Mind was a bit more complicated because it involved me having a series of affairs (cannot suggest it for anything). I understand the part about caring what others think of the back lash of the family.....I made a decision not to tell any of my family about my decision because I just didn't want to hear them anymore. It feels good to make your own decision without anyone. I've learned that fear is our biggest barrier. It is scary thought of being alone and I understand it. Unfortunately I think the worse thing to do is to listen to others and not try to make up your own mind. Don't cloud it with other people's opinion of what they think you should do. You can made a decision for youself. You may be unsure at times and it's ok to be scared.


----------



## Entropy3000

Kirby6, If you do have a scrap of love for your husband, I would suggest you not totally destroy him with a scorched earth policy of having a series of affairs as part of your plan while being married to him. If you have decided to separate and not work on your marriage, perhpas you should sever all ties first and then proceed on with your life. To do otherwise is cruel and inhuman punishment to someone you love. This would totally emasculate him and could very well leave him broken. The paradox is that the more he loves you the more broken he will be. So please consider this in how you proceeed.

So you can reduce the guilt you may have by treating him with the respect he deserves and not leave him devastated.


----------



## Kirby6

broken1 said:


> Kirby6,
> 
> First I want to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it hasn't been an easy decision to make and although I'm not going to sound very sympathetic in the rest of my response, I am familiar with what you're feeling.
> 
> That being said, I believe you are making the wrong decision. I have little respect for people who give up on marriage because they're not "happy." Unless there are more serious issues you have not mentioned in your post, then you're a perfect example of why the divorce rate in this country is as high as it is. You are looking for your husband to make you "happy." This is a very immature understanding of what a marriage is actually supposed to be. You feel disconnected because you have chosen to disconnect. You should feel guilt. You are considering backing out of a lifetime commitment you made to your best friend who trusted your commitment enough to give everything to you. The commitment in a marriage doesn't just apply to staying together for life. It also means that you do whatever necessary to work through your issues together and grow as a couple. You're supposed to stick it out even when you don't feel like it because you are both willing to do your part in showing a Godly unconditional love. If you did that completely got rid of this crap about feeling "happy" and "disconnected" then you would find that you've been looking at it all wrong. You're not in a fairy tale. A successful marriage is not easy to maintain. In fact its impossible if all you think about is how you "feel" and allow your emotions to drive. You need to step up and handle it like a grown woman.
> 
> Not trying to be mean. Sounds like your mind is already made up so my two cents probably means nothing to you. But if you'd actually ponder what I'm saying and give it a try it might actually spare you both of a very stupid decision. Also, I'm assuming you've clearly communicated ALL of this with your husband and he just doesn't get it...? (that seems to be the overwhelming position). If so, I can assure you he doesn't get it and you probably have not communicated it as well as you think.
> 
> Good luck.


I'm not angry with your response, this is why I came here to hear peoples thoughts from both sides. There are some past issues that I've choose not to discuss on here because we would be here all day talking about it. My mind clearly isn't 100% made up or else I don't think there would be this conflict. I should also mention I did not say I was planning on divorcing him, just separation. 

I did say I was unhappy, and I'll tell you why. He had an affair with a younger female, which I found out about just after we got engaged. Now I should have left than, but I choose to stick it out on the pre tense that we would work out our problems. 5 years later, and still no change. Yes, he listens when I have problems, but when things get bad in our relationship his communication skills shuts down and he will push me away instead of facing our problems head on. Than, he'll act like nothing has happened. I came to realize that I never did come to fully forgive and forget his betrayal, and for that I've held resentment towards him. I know I am at fault for that, and I don't blame him for all our problems. I just feel like the time we will have apart will either make me realize I want this marriage to work, or that perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

I realize that sounds like I'm getting angry, and I'm not.


----------



## Kirby6

Entropy3000 said:


> Kirby6, If you do have a scrap of love for your husband, I would suggest you not totally detroy him with a scorched earth policy of having a series of affairs as part of your plan while being married to him. If you have decided to separate and not work on your marriage, perhpas you should sever all ties first and then proceed on with your life. To do otherwise is cruel and inhuman punishment to someone you love. This would totally emasculate him and could very well leave him broken. The paradox is that the more he loves you the more broken he will be. So please consider this in how you proceeed.
> 
> So you can reduce the guilt you may have by treating him with the respect he deserves and not leave him devastated.


I haven't, nor plan to have any affairs while we are apart. I can hardly deal with this situation let alone deal with someone else. Apart of my conflict is hurting him, that is the last thing I ever want to do to him. However, if I am not happy nor am I in love why should I hurt him more by making him believe that I do? Its not fair to the both of us if we continue to live this lie. I am not giving up entirely, but I need to figure out what is best for me. When I do that, I can than be open up to the idea of making this marriage work, or letting him go before I cause more damage.


----------



## Entropy3000

Kirby6 said:


> I haven't, nor plan to have any affairs while we are apart. I can hardly deal with this situation let alone deal with someone else. Apart of my conflict is hurting him, that is the last thing I ever want to do to him. However, if I am not happy nor am I in love why should I hurt him more by making him believe that I do? Its not fair to the both of us if we continue to live this lie. I am not giving up entirely, but I need to figure out what is best for me. When I do that, I can than be open up to the idea of making this marriage work, or letting him go before I cause more damage.


Have you considered counseling for yourself?


----------



## Kirby6

Entropy3000 said:


> Have you considered counseling for yourself?


Yes, I have indeed. I know I'm going to need it.


----------



## Entropy3000

Kirby6 said:


> I'm not angry with your response, this is why I came here to hear peoples thoughts from both sides. There are some past issues that I've choose not to discuss on here because we would be here all day talking about it. My mind clearly isn't 100% made up or else I don't think there would be this conflict. I should also mention I did not say I was planning on divorcing him, just separation.
> 
> I did say I was unhappy, and I'll tell you why. He had an affair with a younger female, which I found out about just after we got engaged. Now I should have left than, but I choose to stick it out on the pre tense that we would work out our problems. 5 years later, and still no change. Yes, he listens when I have problems, but when things get bad in our relationship his communication skills shuts down and he will push me away instead of facing our problems head on. Than, he'll act like nothing has happened. I came to realize that I never did come to fully forgive and forget his betrayal, and for that I've held resentment towards him. I know I am at fault for that, and I don't blame him for all our problems. I just feel like the time we will have apart will either make me realize I want this marriage to work, or that perhaps it wasn't meant to be.
> 
> I realize that sounds like I'm getting angry, and I'm not.


Ok, so this makes a lot more sense. He has to own his affair. You are not to blame for that. It also was not dealt with and here you are. Sorry you are dealing with this. This is not just about you being unhappy. You are unhappy for a good reason.


----------



## Entropy3000

Kirby6 said:


> Yes, I have indeed. I know I'm going to need it.


Cool. I feel better now.


----------



## Cracks

Your first post could easily be mine, and I have come to this website looking for help myself. That struggle to make a decision is so difficult. Have you considered counseling? I have been seeing a counselor for a year now to help me feel comfortable in whatever decision I make. My husband doesn't want to take part in marriage counseling, so I've decided to go for me. It's so crazy how one day I can be so sure in my path, and the next day is completely opposite. My only thought is that if you're still struggling to make a decision, there's still hope. Then again, I sometimes wonder if I'm prolonging the inevitable. Through counseling I've learned that there is a GUT feeling inside all of us. I have to bet that you may have had a gut feeling before your marriage and shook it off as jitters... At least I did, and I'm struggling with that now. If you reach deep inside yourself, you may be able to hear that inner voice speaking to you. Ask yourself if you can be happy, or what it is you need to make you happy. It may seem like a selfish question, but I believe we only go around once in this world and we deserve to get the best out of it for ourselves. Before you make a decision either way, think about whether you would be content in a life without him or even alone. When you think about the alternative to marriage, can you find peace in your decision without regrets? ... Like I said, I'm trying to answer these questions myself; they're not easy. Good Luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

If you are done, be done. Don't string him along or give him false hope.

Get threapy to deal with the sadness and guilt. 

Loneliness goes hand in hand with separation and divorce so you need to accept those things.


----------



## dontKnowMe

I just wanted to post another "me too" on this thread. Only in my case the genders are reversed. "Me too's" are wonderful in this forum because there are tons of lurkers seeking examples of people in their shoes. There are LOTS of us. Few of us have the courage to talk about it.

At face value a decision to leave a spouse (when it's not mutual) is very selfish and we are taught not to be selfish. I suppose I may be rationalizing to decrease my own guilt but here's another view of it... If you stay you KNOW you will only resent your relationship and your spouse more and more. After all the resentment has already grown for a long time. You don't believe things will change. Actually you don't believe they CAN change. Under these conditions staying is the more cruel option. You will be miserable and waste your life. You will drag down your spouse and children, if you have them. You know your spouse is a good person but you don't love them and they deserve someone that does love them. Your kids shouldn't grow up seeing an example of a loveless marriage. They shouldn't be taught that mistakes can never be fixed (but they also shouldn't be taught to give up...there's a fine line). 

Fear is holding you back and it's hard to let go of the fear. The only way I know is to remind yourself that it's OK to make mistakes. It's OK if getting married was a mistake. It's OK if separation is a mistake. You try to avoid mistakes but when they happen you have to try to fix them as best you can NOW.

You've recognized a mistake. The hard part is finding the best solution. Sitting still shouldn't be an option.

Don't waste your life!


----------



## AtOdds

I applaud you for making a decision! I, on the other hand, am still trying to be courageous... knowing that courage is proceeding in the face of fear. So, yes, my story is a "Me Too!!!!" I am married to a friend whom EVERYONE loves... with the exception of me.

I have seen a counselor. Her words were "It appears as if you have already made a decision". But yet, I am still on the playground, swinging back and forth. In my heart I know my indecision is solely due to my children and finances... and the guilt... and the knowledge that other people will state, "over there is the mom who left her husband and children." When it finally comes to this, as I know deep in my heart it finally will, my counselor told me we will work on recognizing that my decisions are personal and that anyone who speaks negatively against me has demons of their own they are trying to ignore or cover-up. 

Your decision is personal. As is mine. Do not let others make you feel guilty. Feel proud that you are standing up for yourself and moving on to a better future! (okay... now I need to repeat this to myself! LOL!)


----------



## bluegold25

AtOdds said:


> I applaud you for making a decision! I, on the other hand, am still trying to be courageous... knowing that courage is proceeding in the face of fear. So, yes, my story is a "Me Too!!!!" I am married to a friend whom EVERYONE loves... with the exception of me.
> 
> I have seen a counselor. Her words were "It appears as if you have already made a decision". But yet, I am still on the playground, swinging back and forth. In my heart I know my indecision is solely due to my children and finances... and the guilt... and the knowledge that other people will state, "over there is the mom who left her husband and children." When it finally comes to this, as I know deep in my heart it finally will, my counselor told me we will work on recognizing that my decisions are personal and that anyone who speaks negatively against me has demons of their own they are trying to ignore or cover-up.
> 
> Your decision is personal. As is mine. Do not let others make you feel guilty. Feel proud that you are standing up for yourself and moving on to a better future! (okay... now I need to repeat this to myself! LOL!)


You're not alone. I'm married with no kids and I too am married to a friend that everyone loves, but I don't feel the same way. Getting married because he is a great guy and him/his family is really stable. He takes great care of me and I feel that part of the reason I am still here is because I feel I am dependent or scared or whatnot. I feel like I have made my decision, after 5 pretty good years together, coming to the end of the road. We just somewhat celebrated our anniversary. We have been talking over the last few weeks about myself wanting a divorce and how we would both move on. I don't want to bring kids into the picture but realize I want kids. 

It's great hearing your words and although not great for you, great hearing that I am not alone. I'm so concerned with how everyone will take things or hearing that I am a failure. And I feel every moment I am here, gives him hope. And keeps me/us from finding someone we are both meant to be with.


----------



## Kirby6

Thanks for all the kind words and advice given. I'm in the stages of telling him soon. I've gotten myself a counsellor who I'm going to start seeing next week. I think after some reflection time, I will decide if marriage counselling is the right step. I'm finally content with my decision, even if the guilt is still there. I figure there is no way around the guilt, and to just embrace it. 

To the others who are going through the same thing as I am, I'll say stay strong. Remember, and this may sound selfish to people, but it is really about what will make YOU more happy. If all you cared about was what others will think, you will resent your spouse and others more. Resentment is not fair for both you and your spouse.


----------



## Lon

It all comes down to what you need, what he needs and what you each are willing to commit.

If that fails and/or you realize in your heart that you cannot commit to his needs or he isn't able or willing to meet yours, and neither is able or willing to change, then there is no marriage, and the right thing to do is tell him, move out, negotiate your separation and seek a lawyer to get the divorce finished.

I wish my wife had given the consideration you are giving this before she decided to end our marriage with "a series of physical affairs". More so, I wish she had realized how much love I still had for her, and that I really was willing to work on the marriage, I just didn't know how... One bad round of counseling didn't have to be the end, but as the saying goes "it takes two to make it work and only one to end it".

One thing is forsure, from my experience, dealing with the loss of my marriage would have been a lot easier to take if it weren't coupled with the rejection and betrayal of trust caused by her adultery.


----------



## Zouz

good for you glory , god bless u .

op when exactly did the affair happen ?
during engagement?


----------



## Lon

Zombie thread with spambot resurrection


----------



## FormerSelf

Lon said:


> Zombie thread with spambot resurrection


Yeah we have been getting a lot of these "spellcaster" spams lately.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

Being that I'm one of the "good guys that everyone loves" except their wives, I'd recommend all the women in your boat read the intro at womensinfidelity.com. See how many of the points you fit in. Be honest with yourself. It may genuinely not pertain to you so I'm not recommending it out of chastisement. But if it does, you and your husband deserve the introspection.

I am currently in the slow process of working things out. No guarantees, that's for sure. 

It sure does seem though, that there are a lot of "good guys" getting the shaft. No one is perfect. Including you. If you have children, please think twice and three times. Statistically you are setting them up for failure. You can rationalize your own inabilities to cope with your adult decisions and commitments by saying the kids are resilient...but the only are because you give them no choice. What are they supposed to do? Lie down and fade gently from life? Those that do fade from life (some will...you choose that roulette game for them in the decision of divorce) will not go gently. 

I'd be curious how many wanting to leave actually have pretty good lives. And how many can look back on their lives and see how many other things they've quit in life before they quit their marriage. I'd be willing to bet there is a trend.

The idea that it is about being happy...is shallow and will not serve you well in life. Happiness is important but your spouse isn't there to always put on a puppet show.

I know the hurt you are about to unleash on the "good guy" husband.

I pray my wife and I reconcile. We have a family. Families matter. More than most give them credit for anymore.

Love can return.

If, in the end, we don't work out. I'll know I have tried my best and I'll be looking forward to the new start I never wanted. Someone will love my son and I. Prayerfully, my wife. But if not, I'll be steering way clear of your type. You're getting easier to spot now that I've learned what to look for, the hard way.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Zombie thread. Closing it.


----------

