# what does divorce feel like?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Those who are now legally divorced, how did it feel? Was it the worst moment of your life or did you feel any sense of relief at all?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Worst feeling ever.

I am doing lightyears better now that it's finalized but that Limbo of waiting and waiting and waiting for it to go through and going through the motions and not sure if it's going to happen and wondering if there is still a chance at reconciling, a last sliver of hope, and feeling like you're head is in a fugue--it is quite possibly hell on Earth. 

The way I described it to someone was this:

Going through a divorce is like having your insides (chest) ripped open and it's burning hot like fire. And someone is pouring acid/gas on it so it's hurting like hell and you're crying and in pain and the tears don't stop coming and you're running out onto the highway screaming, hoping for anyone to help you, to stop and help you and spray off some of the pain and the fire and the burning but everyone is watching you and looking at you and going by and nobody can help you. And your screaming for help and mercy is no good to you.

That is what divorce felt like to me.

Post-divorce...there is a relief that comes with it. Cause the legalities are all tied up. The realization that it is all over so you have a new understanding and can accept it. You're broken, new, different. It's like you've been put in a machine and you come out a little stranger. Stronger. Wiser. A sense of innocence and naivete is lost. And yet -- you are ok. It's weird!!! 

I do think the person who filed the divorce and ended the marriage formally/legally does not have the same "divorce experience" as the person who did not want the divorce and still wanted the marriage does. While I don't doubt the person who wanted out of the marriage grieves the loss and is hurt by it all and in pain, I don't think the grief/loss is the same as the spouse who had a divorce forced on them, or in other cases, the spouse who really wanted to stay married and never wanted a divorce.

That said, I don't believe one party is 100% at fault for the break down of a marriage. It takes two. With that said, it only takes one to end a marriage.

Divorce changes you. Someone said it's like getting an amputation: you survive it, but there is less of you. It's like getting a tattoo you never wanted. But it's there now and you just have to go on live with it. 

And with every day, you find a way to smile, move forward, wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, laugh at something funnyon the news, discover something new, have setbacks, cry, feel happy, you're somehow different but ok. You go through it. I don't believe time heals all wounds but time certainly makes it better.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do not want a divorce but I am the one filing. I feel I have no other option. My H, although he has told me he loves me, still says he refuses to give up "just a friend". I know it is not right nor fair for me to stay in this marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well in your case, you don't want the divorce but he's giving you the only other option of ... "stay with me while I carry on w/ someone else." 

You deserve more.

So yes, there are those divorces, too: where it's either get a divorce or live in an open marriage w/ someone who keeps treating you like dirt. It's still an unwanted divorce.. it's not like you don't want the marriage, it's just that if you stay in that type of marriage, you don't get a full committment. 

You H is a piece of work, Apple. And my bet is, as long as you do nothing (i.e. stay in a marraige w/ him), he's going to stay the same. He's already made it painfully clear he wants the affair AND you. That is nuts.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yeah, he is a piece of work. This past Friday he was hugging me, kissing me, he brought me flowers, was telling me he loves me, he made love to me and the very next day he was back to wanting the divorce again. And as of present, he is seemingly very anxious to get moving on with the divorce.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I'm a bit further on. Didn't want the divorce but no remorse and no commitment mean I had no choice. It dies get easier, you go through the ups and downs but they become further apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please stop sleeping with him, Apple. He lost that privilege with you since he won't end the affair. NO MORE. AND FOR THE LOVE OF the stars, get tested for STDs!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> I'm a bit further on. Didn't want the divorce but no remorse and no commitment mean I had no choice. It dies get easier, you go through the ups and downs but they become further apart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine has no remorse or regret either. he said sorry as if it was scripted. There was nothing genuine about it. He expects me to live with him and co-habitate with him as if we are on good terms with each other. Bt yet, he wants to take off with "just a friend" every night.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Please stop sleeping with him, Apple. He lost that privilege with you since he won't end the affair. NO MORE. AND FOR THE LOVE OF the stars, get tested for STDs!


You're right Jellybeans. I need to find the strength in me to stand up to him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

have you told him what the lawyer said yet?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> have you told him what the lawyer said yet?


just the basics. I didnt go into details with him. And I texted you too.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I texted ya back


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> have you told him what the lawyer said yet?


Oh, and my car broke down a few days ago. It should be fixed by tomorrow but my H is off work today. He offered to take me to work and pick me but I declined. I borrowed my sisters car instead. It's hard being around him, so I try to avoid him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, I wouldn't show him all your cards at this time (re: the lawyer). Be stealth.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple, I wouldn't show him all your cards at this time (re: the lawyer). Be stealth.


Oh, I didn't. I only told him the basics like how long the process would take.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good. Keep it that way. No telling him! No sex with him! 

Active affair = no access to Apple.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Apple Dumplings and Jelly Beans:

I need your advice badly. When I read your posts, I feel like you're talking about me.

Briefly, I have been in "limbo" with my husband for almost 2 years. 

He had an affair that lasted 6 months.

It ended about a year ago but since then he says that he "loves me and cares about me" but he doesn't know if he can "live with me day to day."

We have been living separately for 6 months. See one another on Saturday and/or Sunday.

He has tasted freedom for so long and he is doing fine. Doesn't seem to need or want me.

I cannot take this limbo anymore. 

I have a deadline date in my mind for when I will file for divorce but I am so scared.

What is wrong with me? 

I was once a funny, outgoing woman with a ton of friends. 
I was respected and admired in my profession.
Have a 25 year old son who loves me. Have siblings who love me. Now I am an overweight piece of garbage who is scared. 

What happened to me?

Why does everyone love me but him?

I am 56 years and I cry myself to sleep every night like a baby.
Right now I feel like a fool telling my story to strangers. I don't even know you. I don't even know if you care. You have your own problems, you don't need to hear by crap.

Gotta go..........tears hitting the keyboard.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

OK as someone who has been where you are.

1) recognise that you are also in a fog, dont let emotions dictate your actions
2) distance yourself from him
3) give him clear actions that you will not tolerate his behaviour

I filed in early jan, it means nothing to them because they just think at some point you will come back to them.

You have to be strong, persistent and clear. The more you let him have his cake and eat it the longer he will stay like this.

I couldnt be strong enough, kept faltering but at some point you will regain your self respect and really regret the hugs, i love you's, etc. I'm a lot clearer now, seperation helps to put things in perspective. Have you told him to move out?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> OK as someone who has been where you are.
> 
> 1) recognise that you are also in a fog, dont let emotions dictate your actions
> 2) distance yourself from him
> ...


yes, I have told him I want him to move out but he's not. We have a rental house so it's a bit more complicated getting him out. I have looked into legal action however to get him out, but then again that may be pointless. I just found out my landlords have decided to sell and I now have 2 months to move out.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Apple Dumplings and Jelly Beans:
> 
> I need your advice badly. When I read your posts, I feel like you're talking about me.
> 
> ...


You will find good friends here. We all know what it's like to be where you are. My H and I recently separated on April 3, 2011 after he confessed to being unfaithful. This is the 2nd time in our 14 year marriage that we have separated, and for the same reason. He is a cheater. The first time we separated we were apart for 2 years before reconciling. 
Do not refer to yourself as a piece of garbage. It is not your fault what your husband has done. I have horrible self esteem issues myself and have often blamed myself for my H's affairs. I have blamed myself for not being worthy enough of him. But I am now trying to change my attitude. I'm trying to learn that this is not my fault. He is responsible for his own actions. I was not perfect. There is no perfect spouse but I did not cheat on him. I have not lied to him. I have not kept secrets from him. I hate him for what he has done to our family. I hate him for not being one teeny tiny bit sorry for what he has done. I hate him for how he expects me to live with him while he runs around every night with his new girlfriend. (who is only "just a friend" by the way) I hate him for all this pain he has caused me. But yet, I love him because he is my husband. He is my children's father. And in spite of the hurt, a part of me will always love him. The best advice I can give you, is to be strong for you. Cherish those who do love you and spend as much time as possible with them. Pray for your husband. And know that everyone who is here, knows exactly how you feel and we all care very much.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I think after a death of a close family member, divorce is the hardest thing that you will ever go through, especially if you have been betrayed,without any remorse from the DS. I could care less about materialistic things(like taking my ex to the cleaners like many other would have done), I would give every penny back to have my family back, a family that also included a loving husband who unfortunately does not exist anymore. And that is probably the hardest pill to swallow.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

sometimes husbands are just plain mean. the whole i-don't-know-if-i-want-you-or-not they can put us through. 

and why are we foolish enough to allow it?

it can take a while, but at some point, we manage to stand up again and say no one who treats this lovely woman like that is allowed in my life.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> I think after a death of a close family member, divorce is the hardest thing that you will ever go through, especially if you have been betrayed,without any remorse from the DS. I could care less about materialistic things(like taking my ex to the cleaners like many other would have done), I would give every penny back to have my family back, a family that also included a loving husband who unfortunately does not exist anymore. And that is probably the hardest pill to swallow.


This is exactly where I am, not readytoquit. My DS is not sorry in the least bit. He has no regret, no remorse. I too would give anything to have my family whole again. My marriage has always been so important to me. I can hardly say "my marriage" without having giant tears well up on me. My husband and I still live together but he runs around with his new friend every night of the week. (She should be getting off work soon, he'll be having to go soon)  And all this he expects me to "deal with" for now.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

myhope said:


> sometimes husbands are just plain mean. the whole i-don't-know-if-i-want-you-or-not they can put us through.
> 
> and why are we foolish enough to allow it?
> 
> it can take a while, but at some point, we manage to stand up again and say no one who treats this lovely woman like that is allowed in my life.


:iagree: and that is the new me I am trying to work on becoming. I was always the "please dont leave me, type" Now I am learning to be the "you are not good enough for me, type"


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't know what divorce feels like.. but...

It's gotta be better than this, we're together, not together, working out, not working it out.. thing called limbo.

I hate it..i think divorce would be a welcome ending that I cant force myself to grasp.. why? 

I'm scared.. feel so alone.. my life feels hallow.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Like a condemned man being permitted to remove the noose and walk down from the gallows for a second chance at life.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Like a condemned man being permitted to remove the noose and walk down from the gallows for a second chance at life.


I do hope I feel a ton of relief once it's over but I do dread it though. I married for life. Sadly, he married only until he found a girlfriend


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey! Ive heard "Im not feeling it", "it may be me but..", watched every small conflict turn back to "We keep hitting walls".. and back to "dont think im going to be able to get past these feelings". Each time ending with a request for me to get out, and the marriage to end. Poor girl, states "I have to live with my choices good or bad". Well, not to make you sound selfish, but so do I, and so does our daughter, and everyone else that is affected by your feelinglessness. I hope that EA really was worth it. I am a total ********* in her "Friends" eyes, (having all of one side of the story, Im a real asssshole evidently) 
So now I have to go live in a box, end this thing we had that six months ago was pretty darn good. Suddenly it all came crashing down. I made first contact with atty today. so it all begins....


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

... don't know, but it will be interesting. I think, it'll hit me when I run into people who don't know the situation and ask me about my STBXW. I know its going to sting something fierce.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Those who are now legally divorced, how did it feel? Was it the worst moment of your life or did you feel any sense of relief at all?


Finalizing my divorce was one of the most painful experiences in my life. 

I'll never forget that sad, tears streaming, beautiful face and eyes pleading with me.

Afterwards, I went home and drank myself into a stupor and cried my a** off.

I did what I had to do but it hurt. God did it hurt.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Finalizing my divorce was one of the most painful experiences in my life.
> 
> I'll never forget that sad, tears streaming, beautiful face and eyes pleading with me.
> 
> ...


How do you feel now? Does it get any easier? I'm still married but I will be filing for divorce soon as I can get enough funds. I dont want to get divorced but what choice to do I have? Stay married to a man who will only cheat on me time and time again? That's not what I want.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> How do you feel now? Does it get any easier?


I'm fine now and yet it does get easier but don't let anybody tell you otherwise, it is a one day at a time process.

Some weeks ago - while walking home - I had an accidental, chance encounter with her. Boy did that bring back a mixture of good and bad memories. Left me sad afterwards. I realized that there will always be a part of me that will love her and care deeply for her.



> I'm still married but I will be filing for divorce soon as I can get enough funds. I dont want to get divorced but what choice to do I have? Stay married to a man who will only cheat on me time and time again? That's not what I want.


Of course not. Unfortunately it isn't after the end of the marriage that our cheating spouses finally realized the impact of their affairs.

Without seeking revenge, a divorce can be more devastating to a cheating spouse than a so called revenge affair by his/her betrayed spouse.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I know it will be devastating to his pockets. He will not have any extra play money at all. But, that's what he wanted, right? This is the life he chose when he chose to separate from me, right? I'm not feeling sorry for him, he must deal with the consequences of his actions.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Any luck on finding an attorney to help you? have you been to legal services in your area? most of the time they will charge on a sliding fee scale and payment options.. or they will do it for free, depends on the situation.

At my point in time, I'm welcoming divorce.. I want it done and over with.. only problem is in my state, we have a 90 wait period (cooling off period) before it will enter the courts after its filed. So I want to get mine going ASAP. I really don't want to have the 90 days to wait and cool off.. I just want it done and over with so I can move on.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Oh and have you visited child support services? they can get your child support going TODAY! i highly suggest you look into it!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I know it will be devastating to his pockets. He will not have any extra play money at all. But, that's what he wanted, right? This is the life he chose when he chose to separate from me, right? I'm not feeling sorry for him, he must deal with the consequences of his actions.


As adults we deserve the consequences of our actions and though he is not acting like one, he is definitely no exception to this rule.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

lily I thought it was 60 days....


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I think my lawyer said 90.. but i could be wrong

hell even 60 days is too long for me to wait.. i want him gone


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I hope I never have to find out what a divorce feels like.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

i'm at the point personally.. where I cant wait to get to the divorce. I've had enough! I don't care anymore, he can have his playtoys and BDSM fantasy or whatever it is he wants.. I WANT OUT! I'm done... 

Now if only the rat b*stard would move out of my house! I have all the bills in my name.. and shut off his cell phone today.. so tonight should be interesting. Sorry, but i'm not payin for his communication to OW or sexlines.. hes got to take responsibility for that lol


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Appleducklings, 
Divorce can be painful if it's over miscommunication. However, your husband has been downright abusive to you from day one. In your case, divorce would be a relief. Don't you remember that nice man you dated briefly? Why don't you pine away after someone who was nice to you instead of wasting your time and heart on someone so cruel. You deserve better and your children deserve better.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

candice912 said:


> Appleducklings,
> Divorce can be painful if it's over miscommunication. However, your husband has been downright abusive to you from day one. In your case, divorce would be a relief. Don't you remember that nice man you dated briefly? Why don't you pine away after someone who was nice to you instead of wasting your time and heart on someone so cruel. You deserve better and your children deserve better.


Maybe my husband and I moved too fast? We met in May 1996, we started dating in July 1996, we got pregnant in Oct 1996, he proposed to me in Dec 1996, we married in May 1997 and our son was born in July 1997. I was 20 and he was 21 when we married. We never really had our own life together. When we met, he had a child, I had a child of my own and then we had a baby together. At age 21, I was home taking care of 2 toddlers plus an infant while he worked. Over the years, I have matured. He has not. No, I dont remember that nice man I dated because that nice man never existed. He was even sleeping around on me back then too. (I never knew about that until after we had been married about 8 years) When I married, I took my vows very seriously. I committed myself to him. I believe in marriage and the sanicity of marriage. I believe it is a holy thing before God (well, that is when your hubs is not out committing adultery) I'm hoping to have the money up for the divorce by next month and I can be done with him. Perhaps once the divorce is final, I will feel the weight lifted from my shoulders.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Apple, depending on income, the court may wave fees. Talk to the clerk. There should be forms you can fill out.


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