# 2 divorced people dating



## brokenflowers08

I've been separated almost a year and my divorce will finalize by next month. We were married about 8 months. That's it. I am so much happier with myself now. I realize we were wrong for each other. 
I started dating a man who is also divorced. But he was married for 10 years. He's been separated for months, living with his brother. My question is do you think it's a good idea to date someone who is also recently divorced? I know there can be benefits because we can relate. But I worry that he will now want something casual and nothing serious for awhile with anyone. 
We have not had the exclusive talk exactly. He spends time with me every weekend. Said he hasn't gone on any other dates since me. But he is still in the process of trying to sell his house and says his wife is making it difficult. No kids. I do like him. Should I ask him if he wants to be exclusive? Or is this a lost cause? Has anyone had a good experience in a similar situation?


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## Mr.Fisty

A ten year marriage, and just recently divorced. The answer is likely no, and that is a high probability that he is still placing his energy elsewhere, such as his divorce and trying to sell the home.

I suggest you date others as well, because he is still in a chaotic situation. Plus, learning more about yourself, and working on you can improve the probability of a healthier relationship. Perhaps you should keep him as FWB, and see if there are other men out there that have less going on in their lives.

Sometimes a rebound relationship works, but it is highly unlikely. I would keep it casual until he has some stability and decide from there. The emotions of the ups and downs of what he is going through will affect your relationship probably.

Beside being or going through a divorce, is there anything else bonding you two together that well. Once you both get over the divorce and move on, that will not be a factor in keeping you bonded. Your bonded over similar situations,and hopefully there is something else there as well if your looking for a future relationship to build upon.


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## Cooper

One of the big issues with getting into relationships too quickly after divorce is you have a tendency to evaluate matches based on how "different" they are from your ex. You don't see the entire person and how they truly are, you think they're the greatest ever because they're not the ex. 

Also during the divorce process your emotions are all over the place, a terrible time to start making commitments. As Mr. Fiesty said, bonding over the divorce is no way to build a long term relationship, there has to be much more than that.


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## Jellybeans

I personally don't do 'separated. '

It's up to you whether to pursue it further or not.


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## SamuraiJack

Ten years...separated for "a few months"...

I would say "Go VERY slowly and dont put much stock in it. IF you like each other and are good for each other, great.
But actively LOOK for red flags.


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## Hardtohandle

Just asking.. Is he legally Divorced ? I am not saying getting divorced doesn't happen that fast as it can. But how does someone just *"BAM"* get divorced in a couple of months.. 

To me it sounds like Separated and in the process of getting a Divorce..

I am not saying ask for you to see his divorce papers but just don't see it go that fast..

Further my suspicious side makes me want to wonder why or what caused them to get divorced so fast ? I can only guess that they tried to reconcile, tried to work it out or just both where dragging along in the last few years of their marriage that finally brought them or one of them to just ask for a divorce and the other person quickly conceded..

Again I hear *"I want a divorce"* to be responded back with, but why ? Followed by the customary I love you, lets work this out speech..

If you're too afraid to ask these questions and/or he is not comfortable telling you his side of the story at least.. Then you both are not ready for a relationship.. 

Admittingly I jumped into the dating pond too fast as well. Today I'm in a serious committed relationship for a year and a half. But TRUST ME it wasn't without BIG ISSUES and BIG FIGHTS... Much of it was my insecurity issues. The G.F. didn't help me with it but if I was more secure with myself I would have been able to handle some stuff much better than I did..

In the end I think I just worked out my issues with the current G.F. and she stuck it out realizing I was a diamond in the rough per say. In many ways I think I knocked some sense into her as well and she realizes and admits it now.. So we both feel we fixed each other for the better and don't want to lose each other because we do love each other but also a part of us would also be annoyed of having someone else benefit from all the bullsh!t we put each other through.

Regardless of what you do as my therapist tells me, this is what we have to deal with so lets work with what we have.. So that being said.. If you're going to stick it out with this man, I think you need to ask him some real questions and be honest. Hopefully he will be honest back..


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## Zouz

When maturity is there , it doesn't matter anymore if seperated, divorced ...

you seem to be looking for a serious relationship ; which is your right ; but if it is based on the concept of security and life matching , you can get one but will never be happy if you are a romantic deep person .


I am seperated , could stay 1 year or 10 years in this marriage ; when someone worth my feelings will come , she will ignate a spark that will never end .

The Base is respect and ability to change / Givology .

Forget about love , passion , etc ... they come and go ; when you talk to this guys do you feel respected really , do you feel you respect him to an extend that if he tells you or do something odd you still respect him ?

If the answer is yes , never let him go , he is worth it ; otherwise 
forget about , he might not be worth it or you might not ...

Good luck


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## BoyScout

I am just a few days away from everything being final. I have been on two dates during my separation and both were with women who were in the exactly the same position I was in.

I was very honest with both ladies. I am not looking for a relationship right now. I am looking for someone to help me rebuild the self esteem that was crushed when my wife left. I am looking for someone that I can help too. Both women have had their hangups based on what they went through. One still wants to argue with an ex who doesn't speak to her under any circumstances. One continues to ask 'why' and obsesses over why her husband walked out.

I enjoy their company and having no intentions, it's all good.


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## Boottothehead

While I agree with everyone who urges you to go slowly and be careful, sometimes it works out. My current husband and I were friends in college whose marriages fell apart at the same time. We were just friends who knew what the other one was going through (not even fwb), and then after the dust settled , we decided to give it a go. That was seven years ago!


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## BlueWoman

It took me about 3 weeks to get a divorce. I mean, it was uncontested and we didn't have a lot of shared property. He agreed to everything I wanted. 

Went to a lawyer, the drew up the papers. We signed, and within two weeks of signing the judge has signed off on it.


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## BlueWoman

But back to the OP's question. I would think it depends on a lot of factors. Who initiated the divorce and why? He might have initiated it and has done most of his grieving. 

But I do agree that you really can't expect much from him. I doubt he has the energy to put a lot of energy into a new relationship. And my guess is if you push him he's going to feel stressed out and try to reduce his stress. You'll be the easiest thing to cut out of his life. 

So if you are looking for a serious relationship, he's not the one right now. And if you hang around waiting, then it's a safe bet you won't be the one for him when he's ready.


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## brokenflowers08

Thanks for all the advice. After the last two months I feel this relationship is fun but that's all. He said he's not looking for anything serious, that makes sense. After 10 years, he's probably looking forward to freedom. Also, I found out he lied about his age. This may seem small, but what else will he or has he lied about. Another thing I find odd is he calls his ex "my wife" as in present tense. I already call my ex husband the ex. One of the biggest issues I faced in the past marriage was lack of honesty and trust. So now I'm thinking of just walking away.


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## daddymikey1975

brokenflowers08 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. After the last two months I feel this relationship is fun but that's all. He said he's not looking for anything serious, that makes sense. After 10 years, he's probably looking forward to freedom. Also, I found out he lied about his age. This may seem small, but what else will he or has he lied about. Another thing I find odd is he calls his ex "my wife" as in present tense. I already call my ex husband the ex. One of the biggest issues I faced in the past marriage was lack of honesty and trust. So now I'm thinking of just walking away.


After being married for almost 12 years, divorced for almost a year (separated for almost 2)...the person that had the title "my wife" still walks around. Occasionally when u speak about her, that title unconsciously comes out. I haven't mentally trained myself to put the "ex" in front of it yet without a slight bit of thought of effort. 

The title (for me) doesn't at all insinuate feelings for the person for whom the title referred to. 

This is just my opinion.


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## Hardtohandle

daddymikey1975 said:


> After being married for almost 12 years, divorced for almost a year (separated for almost 2)...the person that had the title "my wife" still walks around. Occasionally when u speak about her, that title unconsciously comes out. I haven't mentally trained myself to put the "ex" in front of it yet without a slight bit of thought of effort.
> 
> The title (for me) doesn't at all insinuate feelings for the person for whom the title referred to.
> 
> This is just my opinion.


Funny enough I am divorced and had to train myself to say Ex wife and my G.F. reminded me quite well when I messed. 

But the G.F. just started filing and still married and calls her husband her ex.. 

Its all a state of mind I guess.. They are your ex no matter what any legal document says otherwise...


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## FeministInPink

OP, you might be able to proceed, but do so with caution. Is he using you as a way to re-build his self-esteem? If so, then he's bad news... once his self-esteem is built back up, he'll likely ditch you. As some of the other commenters have said, you need to start asking him some questions to figure out where he REALLY is (and not where he says he is), go slowly, look for red flags, and be aware that you might be a rebound.

Good luck!


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## Morcoll

FeministInPink said:


> OP, you might be able to proceed, but do so with caution. Is he using you as a way to re-build his self-esteem? If so, then he's bad news... once his self-esteem is built back up, he'll likely ditch you. As some of the other commenters have said, you need to start asking him some questions to figure out where he REALLY is (and not where he says he is), go slowly, look for red flags, and be aware that you might be a rebound.
> 
> Good luck!


I get that due to a 'rebound' situation this is unlikely to last (based on studies, etc) but I don't necessarily think he is LIKELY to ditch you once his 'self-esteem' is back up unless it was a bad match in the first place. 

I am in a very similar situation. She isn't even able to enjoy her freedom yet, so I am very aware that once she has it the dynamics may change. (Divorced but still living together). I am kind of expecting this, but also see her growing a real connection-- we do have a lot in common, interests and passions. That may or not be enough. 

Furthermore-- I was the recent divorce who embarked on a rebound relationship with a single mom and ended up having to break it off-- after it got very serious-- after about 7 months. There were different circumstances, but the one thing I can say that really pushed me away from her was her growing insecurity, and the gut feeling that she was somehow trying to 'trap' me, even though she SAID over and over again that she wanted to take it slow.

I felt pressure, jealousy and again, overall insecurity, from an otherwise strong, kind and generous person.

It destroyed my attraction towards here. (she also could not understand why I had to stay somewhat connected to my ex, we have kids and it will always be that way, to the point where she accused me straight away of getting back together with my ex-- completely untrue and showed considerable insecurity again on her part). 

My advise, don't pressure him, show confidence and love of YOURself, be aware this may be short term, but make it fun and he will not want to remove you from his life. Be happy and positive with no expecations, no endgame in mind.


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## EnjoliWoman

I must say every man I dated who was separated was NOT ready for a relationship and it ended. Whether the separation was long or short, it takes a while to let it all soak in and learn from it. He's living with his brother - he needs to live on his own for a bit. Be sure he's not afraid of being alone. I think it's really important to be able to be alone without being lonely. A lot less chance of making a decision to be with someone for all of the wrong reasons.

He could be the exception, but my thought is he's not ready.


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## Lon

If anyone is actively seeking an exclusive long term relationship with someone, a person just recently separated out of a long term marriage is NOT an ideal target, go look for someone else to marry.

If on the other hand you are looking to meet someone who undoubtedly would love your attention for awhile and you are OK with things if it ends up being a short term thing, or non-exclusive or casual then just enjoy it but don't invest your heart or mind or delude yourself into thinking the only way for a connection to "work out" is if it's permanent.


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## Married but Happy

OP, did she leave him, or did he leave her - and why? If he left her because of incompatibility, then he's probably fine. If she left him, or he left because she cheated on him, he may have some stuff to work through.


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## Chuck71

Morcoll said:


> I get that due to a 'rebound' situation this is unlikely to last (based on studies, etc) but I don't necessarily think he is LIKELY to ditch you once his 'self-esteem' is back up unless it was a bad match in the first place.
> 
> I am in a very similar situation. She isn't even able to enjoy her freedom yet, so I am very aware that once she has it the dynamics may change. (Divorced but still living together). I am kind of expecting this, but also see her growing a real connection-- we do have a lot in common, interests and passions. That may or not be enough.
> 
> Furthermore-- I was the recent divorce who embarked on a rebound relationship with a single mom and ended up having to break it off-- after it got very serious-- after about 7 months. There were different circumstances, but the one thing I can say that really pushed me away from her was her growing insecurity, and the gut feeling that she was somehow trying to 'trap' me, even though she SAID over and over again that she wanted to take it slow.
> 
> I felt pressure, jealousy and again, overall insecurity, from an otherwise strong, kind and generous person.
> 
> It destroyed my attraction towards here. (she also could not understand why I had to stay somewhat connected to my ex, we have kids and it will always be that way, to the point where she accused me straight away of getting back together with my ex-- completely untrue and showed considerable insecurity again on her part).
> 
> My advise, don't pressure him, show confidence and love of YOURself, be aware this may be short term, but make it fun and he will not want to remove you from his life. Be happy and positive with no expecations, no endgame in mind.


Watch what they do, not what they say

You can bet the farm.... if that girl was young enough to have more kids, she would have 

gotten pregnant on purpose to "trap / keep you." 

She wasn't jealous of you, she was jealous of your XW


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## Chuck71

brokenflowers08 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. After the last two months I feel this relationship is fun but that's all. He said he's not looking for anything serious, that makes sense. After 10 years, he's probably looking forward to freedom. Also, I found out he lied about his age. This may seem small, but what else will he or has he lied about. Another thing I find odd is he calls his ex "my wife" as in present tense. I already call my ex husband the ex. One of the biggest issues I faced in the past marriage was lack of honesty and trust. So now I'm thinking of just walking away.


When someone lies about something that will definitely come out

they don't intend for the "relationship" to last long at all

The more "surface" the lie is, the less time that person plans spending with you


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## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> If anyone is actively seeking an exclusive long term relationship with someone, a person just recently separated out of a long term marriage is NOT an ideal target, go look for someone else to marry.
> 
> If on the other hand you are looking to meet someone who undoubtedly would love your attention for awhile and you are OK with things if it ends up being a short term thing, or non-exclusive or casual then just enjoy it but don't invest your heart or mind or delude yourself into thinking the only way for a connection to "work out" is if it's permanent.


:iagree:



EnjoliWoman said:


> I must say every man I dated who was separated was NOT ready for a relationship and it ended.


Yeah that's why I have a "no separated" rule and "no recent break up" rule.


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## Hopelessus

As far as calling the ex "the ex" bc we have kids I always refer to him as the kids father. It's funny when telemarketers call and ask for him. I say he doesn't live here anymore they always come back and say, when will he be home...? So I give them his cell #.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Has anyone had a good experience in a similar situation?


Its impossible to generalize about what you should or shouldn't do. It depends.

I met my now husband while we were both in the middle of separations. However, we were both in very detached marriages for long periods of time and had very little emotional attachment to our exes. It was just a matter of getting out of the practical ties of our marriages. We were both extremely ready to get into a relationship with a new person and having his support during my divorce was very, very helpful to me.

However, if you're with a guy that was emotionally attached to his ex-wife until the end of the marriage...he still may be going through the detachment process.

I think whenever you're dealing with dating separated or divorcing people...you can't be in a rush. You have to accept that things happen when they happen. I think in these relationships, you have to let go of the pushing. I made it pretty clear to my now husband that I didn't care if I never got married again...all I expected was that if he wanted to date someone else that he'd break up with me first. 

If he's a good guy, I'd simply let him know that you'd like an exclusive relationship and leave all your expectations at the door for now. Let time pass and enjoy each other's company and figure it out after you both get to know each other better. Relax and enjoy yourself.

I think when you meet someone you connect with, you should always try to see where it will go before you cut it off for general reasons that might not even apply to that person. There are no "rules"...every person and every situation is different.


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## Wolf1974

EnjoliWoman said:


> *I must say every man I dated who was separated was NOT ready for a relationship and it ended*. Whether the separation was long or short, it takes a while to let it all soak in and learn from it. He's living with his brother - he needs to live on his own for a bit. Be sure he's not afraid of being alone. I think it's really important to be able to be alone without being lonely. A lot less chance of making a decision to be with someone for all of the wrong reasons.
> 
> He could be the exception, but my thought is he's not ready.


yep same experience I had with separated women. They aren't ready. Hell didn't date until my divorce was final and even then I wasn't ready. You can't move on to a new thing why still dealing with the past


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## Morcoll

Chuck71 said:


> Watch what they do, not what they say
> 
> You can bet the farm.... if that girl was young enough to have more kids, she would have
> 
> gotten pregnant on purpose to "trap / keep you."
> 
> She wasn't jealous of you, she was jealous of your XW


yes, agreed. I don't think she would have lied about contraception on purpose. I hope not anyway, but in either case I am glad that did not happen. What a mess...

Freedom is nice though. Im interested to see what happens with the girl I am seeing now when she gets out of her house and on her own. It's been fun so far...


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