# He's never had a sex drive



## ChooseToLove (Jul 15, 2011)

Hi all, 

First, thank you to everyone who has posted about this topic. Reading about other experiences has helped me feel much more normal. Now for my story. I apologize for the length. 

My husband was a virgin when I met him. I wasn't. He suffered from a lot of medical issues growing up and much of what he shared with me seemed (at the time) a pretty understandable explanation for why he was a young 30 and still hadn't had sex. Aside from the lack of sex, he seemed like a really great guy, and he is. He is very loving, affectionate, supportive, and open to discussing any relationship conflicts we've had. He is, in many ways, a wonderful husband. but... 

It turns out that not only had he never had sex, but (once we were married) he revealed that he'd never really had a sex drive either. Maybe I should have seen that coming. But I didn't. I believed that since we had been trying to have sex once or twice a week while we were dating that eventually he would realize what he was missing and things would click. They haven't. We've been together nearly two years now (married for about 8 months) and he's still never ejaculated (more than a little pre-c*m) or had an orgasm. At first he would be able to get hard and stay that way for 20 min or more but eventually he'd start feeling too sensitive and would ask to stop. Eventually the inability to ejaculate grew into frustration for him and now he can rarely get it up and even more rarely get it to stay up.

He saw a doctor who dismissed the problem and referred us to a counselor (no idea how you can tell that there's not a low T or diabetes (family history) problem or BOTH by just looking at him...) and we have an appointment to go together in a few weeks, so at least we're taking positive steps. It's just difficult because I'm in my mid 20's, am active, have a strong (though not high) sex drive, and can't initiate without worrying if he will turn me down (he usually either turns me down or tries but can't get it up) so I've stopped initiating. Since he has basically no sex drive, we've attempted to have sex 8 times in the past 8 months. All were very short sessions that ended with him going limp and me telling him it was ok and that I love him while trying to push aside how much it hurts to know that he doesn't need me in bed because I don't want to make things worse by making him feel guilty. He knows it bothers me and he tries to be understanding, but since he has no idea what he's missing he thinks I'm being overly dramatic. 

Again, we're going to counseling soon and I believe it will get better since we're both committed to making things right, I just wanted to share what I've been going through. He is a good man and I love him, but it's really hard to cope with my feelings while trying to continue to be understanding and supportive of his feelings.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi choosetolove ~

Keep the doctor's appointment and make sure they do a full work-up on him - testosterone, blood sugars, thyroid.

Have you considered talking with the doctor about prescribing something like Viagra or Cialis?

Is there a reason why he can't use his hands/mouth/etc. on you during lovemaking? I know you want him to be satisfied as well, but he could satisfy you as long as his other parts are functional. 

If it appears that it's not really a physical issue, but more of a psychological one, then you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist.

Best Wishes.


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## ChooseToLove (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks Enchantment, 

Since the first doc dismissed a physical problem he's not really interested in going back. BUT I mentioned that to the counselor we're scheduled to see and he promised he'd refer blood work again. And yes, I plan on insisting on a full work up. 

He's usually very willing to try to pleasure me manually when I ask, which is wonderful, but (and maybe I'm being overly demanding) he rarely emotionally engages me during. For example... earlier this week we were kissing and I was actively touching his hair, chest, etc.. and his hands were by his side resting on the bed. He also has a tendency to fall asleep when trying to manually stimulate me. We've discussed it and I believe him when he says it's not out of malice, but I don't think he has any idea how it makes me feel because even though I tell him it's not ok, since sex doesn't mean to him what it means to me he can't seem to understand why it matters so much.


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## frozen in canada (Jun 28, 2011)

This is of course is my opinion but as someone who also has a low sex drive a lot of it has to do with the lack of importance sex was to me growing up. I was 23 when i first had sex and can relate to a lot of things you discussed. 

one thing to look at is if he likes to masturbate or not! 

one of the things I noticed in me was that i really do enjoy that aspect of sex because i did not have to worry about if i was able to make my partner finish and was able to focus on me. the down side to it is that becomes a focus in itself due to the personal pleasure one gets out of it.

There are many factors that can cause a low sex drive weight is a large one. Also being open can help too if you both have different opinions on what makes you tick you need to know what they are. 

Viagra is a nice thing to have however in moderation. if he is super sensitive a small dose will do wonders trust me on that. it will also help make him less sensitive but it is a catch 22 on one hand good but also bad because if it is too much he may not cum due to that issue.

diabetes is also a factor it also runs in my family.....

the biggest thing i can say is this.

He needs to know that he is normal he is not the only one out there in the situation. the sensitivity issue for me has been a long road. if he is uncut I can say that it may be an option to look into circumcision as an answer for me that was one of the biggest factors that helped me over that issue. i was so bad before hand that i literately got so red and sore during the act i had to quit too. so snip snip and in a matter of two months after i was at a point where it was just right if not perfect for me not to sensitive but not numb either. (Just my thoughts on that portion)

as for the sex drive communicate most of all and be open talk about your fantasy's and everything else that is sex. how you like it this way or tell him how much it turns you on when he touches you this way or that. don't make it a chore most of all because lets face it if it becomes work it becomes a burden on either or both of you. explore each other sexually. get into the shower with him and soap up each other and fondle each other. masturbate in front of each other show him what you like so he might see what and how you like to be touched watch him and see how he likes to do things to himself.

but most of all love each other and take your time. if you rush it is work if you push it is a burden if you get upset it is frustrating. there is no quick fix...... it is a process that you both need to experience. try things that push your limits. if he asks you to touch him in a place you think is dirty realize he is not you and what you don't like he may.

hope it helps you some. 

my wife and i are both working together to learn new things. i hope you can do the same.


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