# anxiety, depression, coldness destroying relationship



## JetJet (Jun 4, 2012)

hi all

Been with GF with 10+ years. She's had depression and anxiety most of the time I've known her. The current treatment has been ongoing for about 2-3 months and *some* progress has been made. However, I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel physical symptoms from the stress and my own anxiety in dealing with the situation. Here are the problems:
1- Shutdown when doing something she's not into. Unfortunately for me, the vast majority of activities I genuinely enjoy fall into this category. By shutdown I mean stilted/forced conversation, that look of being at the verge of tears, etc... This leads me to either going on dates by myself, or worse, dealing with the constant temptation of finding someone else on the side to do date-type stuff just to avoid the situation. Not good.
2- Emotional distance. In general she's not very engaging. Don't get me wrong, she's a very nice person without an ounce of malice. But, genuine affection is rarely forthcoming. Conversation, even when flowing, tends to be impersonal and superficial. Rarely we talk about each other or do anything "intimate" in terms of conversation. It plain feels empty
3- Impossibility of discussing "difficult" issues. Anything that is not 100% praise falls into this category. Trying to discuss anything about the relationship, or express needs, or give negative feedback turns into an excruciating, draining experience. A wall of tears and shutdown comes up immediately into any of these. 

These are 3 (not the only) main issues. My patience is running out. I get continuous propositions from other women that seem far better adjusted and able to provide what I need. I genuinely care and want to help, don't want to be a shallow person, and would like for us to have a solid relationship.

And yet, I get the doomed feeling that this will never happen.

So my questions are:
1- will this ever improve?
2- am I fooling myself and are these issues due to the length of the relationship (i.e. bound to happen with someone else too?)
3- am I unreasonable? 

Thanks


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Jet jet I'm watching this thread with interest as I'm feeling your pain!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's your girlfriend, not your wife. Why are you continuing to give CPR to this relationship? And I ask this sincerely.

C
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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Jet, I have to agree with PBear -- this is a heartbreaking situation and I don't see a very good prognosis, but you are not married. Ten years is a long time, yes, but it's better to break up after ten years than after 20 or 30. And from reading your description, I'm not sure she is all that committed to you either.


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## JetJet (Jun 4, 2012)

Why do I stay? some answers:
1- I care about her genuinely. Part of this makes the thought of leaving her alone gut wrenching. Not everything is bad, sometimes she will do a gesture of affection here and there and give me hope. Plus I can tell she has no bad intentions to me. On the other hand I doubt many times that she has any real positive emotions for me. Every now and then things are actually fairly nice, making me perhaps see more than there really is. 

2- Day to day life in terms of chores, organization, etc... is actually pretty good. Makes me think that if I found someone else that had whats missing here she'd likely be an irresponsible slob and would be a new set of problems. Cynical yes, but I cant help think that way.

3- As I said, how do I know these issues are not due to length of relationship? And that with new person in 10 years Id be in the same boat?

4- A lot of the problems revolve around leisure time and socializing. Its an extreme version of homebody vs. adventurous due to the anxiety thing. I think that with kids someday there'd be no free time so these issues would be moot, and hence Id be better off with someone responsible anyway. OTOH, I know lack of adult couple time/ dates is a sure way to destroy a marriage with kids, so if its hard to do fun stuff now, with kids itd be basically impossible.... a dilemma.

5- I second guess all the time my expectations in terms of affection and conversation/ emotional connection. I try to lower my expectations and back off, but its really difficult.
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## WantToMakeThingsWork (Jun 2, 2012)

JetJet, is she in counselling? Has she ever suggested it? Have you ever considered going with her?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

My wife of nearly 20 years suffers from depression, anxiety, etc. I would say give it some time since she's only been getting help for a few months. BUT...if you don't keep seeing progress, you should consider walking. 

It...wears on you. Do things for you to keep yourself happy/healthy.


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## JetJet (Jun 4, 2012)

she's in counseling but Im a bit skeptical. There has been a bit of progress but also a lot of resistance. At one point a therapist mentioned codependency and for what Ive read there plenty of signs:
refusal to share feelings unless negative (and not always)
very little affection/interest
refusal to answer basic questions about the relationship (dont know, cant say) such as if there is any more interest or what she wants
"giving in" sometimes to doing something i request but half-assing it. Then getting offended over any slight criticism
Feeling shes not good enough but not doing anything about it
passive agressiveness
next day after a fight is like nothing happened
little interest in resolving issues, wants an indefinite status quo

Im not feeling hopeful that it will get better. things are just ok a lot of the time without any outright bad behavior, it is more of a lack of good behavior justified through the condition....

also want to mae sure that I am not also codependent... which I could see happenning
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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

JetJet said:


> At one point a therapist mentioned codependency and for what Ive read there plenty of signs:
> 
> also want to mae sure that I am not also codependent... which I could see happenning


Yeah, I would think that you would be the codependent one here. You may want to pick up the book Codependent No More. I just started reading it, b/c I think I've fallen into that trap.


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## joi (May 22, 2012)

JetJet said:


> Why do I stay? some answers:
> 1- I care about her genuinely. Part of this makes the thought of leaving her alone gut wrenching. Not everything is bad, sometimes she will do a gesture of affection here and there and give me hope. Plus I can tell she has no bad intentions to me. On the other hand I doubt many times that she has any real positive emotions for me. Every now and then things are actually fairly nice, making me perhaps see more than there really is.
> 
> 2- Day to day life in terms of chores, organization, etc... is actually pretty good. Makes me think that if I found someone else that had whats missing here she'd likely be an irresponsible slob and would be a new set of problems. Cynical yes, but I cant help think that way.
> ...


i read your posts and it mirrors very much what my husband and i have gone through. he has been diagnosed with depression and all that and has done life span integration therapy. after a while of that i still felt similar to you. although i am not overly outgoing. 
this is just a thought, but have you gone to seek counseling together. my husband and i just started (actually today!) and we saw a dr. who focuses on emotionally focused therapy. it might give you that outlet to release your emotions and find out how to make it work. 
as far as your comments about calling it quits. if you don't see progress or see the value in the relationship, as someone else mentioned. do it now before it gets to 20+ years. and before kids.
once children enter the mix the world as you know it changes and you have to have a strong bond to preserver.
my husband and i have a child and before we did i thought i should have divorced and now i am all in and battling for our marriage.
i wish you the best.
ps. don't lower your expectations. you will become resentful in the long term.


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## JetJet (Jun 4, 2012)

I find the relationship has little basis beyond the care I feel for her. Im also thinking that she may see no value in the things I want (i.e. a social life with her, doing activities together and having more of a real relationship in terms of connecting and being flirty). She wont answer or say what she wants.

How would you guys attempt to getting these things out of the relationship? especially when sometimes the effort is one-sided?

Ideas to reconnect/ have better conversations? to talk beyond the chores, weather, etccc...? I have tried some games to get to ask each other questions and been told those are gay/silly
Ideas to go out and have fun? (we are still young) beyond a dull ice cream?
Ideas to introduce excitement with someone that seems to avoid it?
any advice? I dont want to throw in the towel....
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## joi (May 22, 2012)

my advise would be to seek out counseling as a couple. you may beyond the point were you can do it all alone. both parties need to be willing. 
my husband and i are doing that because we both know that we have lost the skill to communicate as a couple and need to establish these skills again. this might be your case. 
if she doesn't want to listen to the thought of counseling perhaps you can ask a friend to assist with the request.


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