# My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex



## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

My husband is obsessed with his ex in a way that he feels responsible for her pain, loneliness and being unsuccessful romantically. They were together for 5 years and NEVER married. She was just a girlfriend to him, she didn't even get a proposal or thought of one. They have 1 child together, who was an accident that happened very early in their relationship, a few months. My husband didn't want her to have the baby, she obviously had it and he felt trapped. My husband suspects she may have lied about birth control to get knocked up on purpose, to try and secure him. Lady has issues.

My husband left her 12 YEARS ago. Time to move on and stop feeling bad for her. We have been married for 9 years. He isn't into her but feels bad for her. She's like a pity case to him. I understand the need to get along with an ex if a child is involved, but this is beyond that. My husband would probably do anything for her, if she'd ask.

If she asks for more time or to change the custody schedule my husband says he's fine with it when really he's not. If she needs help with something he helps her. I don't think she ever asks but their daughter tells my husband when something is up. For example, their daughter said their backyard was a mess and needed to have new sod put down. My husband went over, raked up her yard and prepped it for new grass, laid sod and went over a couple times a day to water it while his ex was out of town. She came back to a redone yard. My husband says it's for their daughter. She's 16! She's not out there playing on a damn swing set. I doubt she ever steps out there. 

Before that their dishwasher broke, my husband went over and figured out what was wrong, ordered the part and fixed it for her. Or, for their daughter, as he claims. Every time they exchange their daughter he wants to talk to her and see how she is doing. Their daughter is 16, they don't need to have friendly conversations, she can walk herself inside. She has a licence and my husband has been putting off getting her a car, part of me thinks it's because he'd have less interaction with his ex. 

If his ex called him at 3:00AM to replace a lightbulb my husband would probably run over. To my knowledge, she never asks him for anything other than custody changes, but my husband would jump on it. He has said that he feels bad for her. She is a pity case. 

She was single for about 10 years before finding a man interested in a relationship with her. Like I said, she has issues. Decently attractive and has a good job but otherwise a mess. She was raped and has issues there. Her dad murdered her mom and sibling so she has issues there and no family. My husband said they stopped having sex after their daughter was born because she had unsolvable "issues" after the birth that lasted the rest of the relationship. She confided in him years ago that she had been dating a guy and it didn't work out because of sexual issues. My husband sees it as, he left her because she was raped, because she had physical trauma after their daughter was born and because she had family issues. Not because they were incompatible, so he feels like the worlds biggest ********* and wants to try and make it up.

My husband and his ex are not close. She avoids asking him for things and seeing him, it's my husband who would bend over backwards if she just asked. 

I know that she has dated a bit because their daughter has mentioned it. She didn't find a man to want a relationship with her until recently. She's been with a man for about a year. My husband thankfully backed off a bit with helping her and bending over backwards. Until recently.... When he learned who she was in a relationship with. Which is a man who works in my husband's office. They don't know is each other, but my husband knows he is married. The guy has pictures of his wife and kids on his desk, my husband when out of his way to look. Now my husband is obsessed over how to tell her and doesn't want to hurt her "again". Literally he will not shut up about it. He will wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about it. 

He claims to wait to to tell her because it could affect their daughter. My opinion is to ****ing bad. Choose a better partner. Their daughter has only seen him a couple times, she's a teenager - she wants nothing to do with her mom's (married) boyfriend. Who knows, maybe she knows he is married and doesn't care or took what she could get. Hell, I would after 10 years of no one wanting anything to do with me. My husband thinks he can't tell her because it can't come from him. I told him to forget about it or just figure out how to tell the guys wife because that will bring it all crashing down, but he doesn't want his ex to find out that way. He will not ****ing drop it! And it is driving me ****ing crazy. 

I can talk to my husband about this until the cow's come home and he just doesn't get it. He thinks they have a normal relationship and that he "cares about the mother of his child". How do I snap some sense into him? Or am I just being a jealous *****? I'll admit, I don't like his ex. Not really for anything that she has done, but because of how my husband acts.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Show him this post.


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## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

Satya said:


> Show him this post.


He would just say that I'm being an idiot and over analyzing. His opinion is that I don't understand because I don't have kids with anyone else. He isn't a bad guy and outside of this, our marriage has been good. Sometimes I just want his ex to disappear and our marriage wouldn't have any problems.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

literret said:


> He would just say that I'm being an idiot and over analyzing. His opinion is that I don't understand because I don't have kids with anyone else. He isn't a bad guy and outside of this, our marriage has been good. Sometimes I just want his ex to disappear and our marriage wouldn't have any problems.


It's tough living with an x in your marriage. I doubt this will get better.

It's not impossible to coparent and cut engagement with the X. I've seen it fine.

He's either to weak or to much of a nice guy to stop. Not keeping her at an arms length is BS on his part.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. It's not about jealousy either, it's about respect. You are his wife - you've been his wife for almost a decade! He needs to shut the hell up about the ex. Her problems are just that - hers and hers alone.

Every single time he brings her up you need to change the subject, if that doesn't work, leave the house. If he wakes you up to talk about it, chuck a hissy fit and go to the couch. Don't put up with this crap for one more day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make him YOUR ex. This is ridiculous, and you shouldnt tolerate it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

literret said:


> He would just say that I'm being an idiot and over analyzing. His opinion is that I don't understand because I don't have kids with anyone else. He isn't a bad guy and outside of this, our marriage has been good. Sometimes I just want his ex to disappear and our marriage wouldn't have any problems.


You asked for advice and although mine is simple, the best you can do is honestly tell him how it hurts you. I see some blunt honesty in this post. 

It's about your boundaries. What you are and are not OK with. You tell him clearly what they are, then tell him that you can't continue as things are. He's free to choose whether to respect your boundaries, and you're free to act accordingly if he doesn't. 

She has been out of his life for years. He is actually hindering her ability to fend for herself by always charging to the rescue. His child is another matter. I think you have no issue with that, but his child will be in his life forever. 

You've been quietly boiling over this, hoping he'll change. He won't. You need to initiate change, or you'll forever be living the definition of insanity.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Weird

I'd put my foot down, say to him let see what a marriage counselor would say! Then make an appiontment. If he balks, then tell him to go live with his ex !


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You say your husband left her twelve years ago and they hadn't been having sex for four years at that stage.That means she has had sixteen years to get some sort of counselling or psychiatric treatment for her"issues".Your husband feels like he is a nice guy,helping her out and looking out for her in her relationship.In fact your husband is still carrying a torch for her and if she miraculously got her **** together he will leave you for her.His behaviour is bordering on stalking and it may be a lot worse than you think.He may not be telling you everything and he may be spying in other ways on her.What does he do at her house when she's not there,he could be going through her private stuff or reading her personal information off her computer.If she is seeing a man who she knows is married then your husband needs to mind his own business and keep his nose out.You are the one who is going to have to do something to sort this out,that is if you still want to be married to him and frankly I don't see what you are getting from a man who wakes you up in the middle of the night to talk about his ex.I would start to get your finances in order because he may not want to cut ties with her and then you have to accept there are three people in your marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

literret said:


> My husband is obsessed with his ex in a way that he feels responsible for her pain, loneliness and being unsuccessful romantically. They were together for 5 years and NEVER married. She was just a girlfriend to him, she didn't even get a proposal or thought of one. They have 1 child together, who was an accident that happened very early in their relationship, a few months. My husband didn't want her to have the baby, she obviously had it and he felt trapped. My husband suspects she may have lied about birth control to get knocked up on purpose, to try and secure him. Lady has issues.
> 
> My husband left her 12 YEARS ago. Time to move on and stop feeling bad for her. We have been married for 9 years. He isn't into her but feels bad for her. She's like a pity case to him. I understand the need to get along with an ex if a child is involved, but this is beyond that. My husband would probably do anything for her, if she'd ask.
> 
> ...


Your H is crossing all sorts of boundaries and he is taking away from you and your marriage what he is putting into her and his relationship with her. You are not being jealous. He has a kid with her 16 years ago, he doesn't have to be there doing all and sundry for her. 

Perhaps you can go for counselling. Their kid will be grown up soon and moving on so he has no more excuses to be going there. YOu have to consider whether you can deal with this splitting of affections and wait this out.


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## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

I have told my husband numerous times that I hate when he talks about her, in that way. Her name isn't forbidden from our house, but her life, her issues, her relationships, I do not care! And he doesn't seem to get that. I slept in our guest room for a week because he wouldn't shut up at night, it still didn't click. He's not a stupid guy, but it sure seems like it right now. I feel like I need to throw the "divorce" word in his face to make it click, but I don't want to do petty stuff like that... Stop being so caring or I'll divorce you seems ridiculous to say. I like that he's a caring man, but I want him to care more about MY feelings than what's going on in his ex's life. I really get the urge to say "shut the **** up about her or we are done".

He has said so many times that he wants her to find someone so he can let go and _finally_ have closure. Who cares?!? It's been 12 years, ain't happened yet probably won't. What, is he going to be going over to glue in her dentures when she's 90 years old? We have been married almost 10 years, when will I be more important than she is? When will he at least care about my feelings as much as he does hers? 

His ex tried adopting a few years ago, I can't remember how many. She was trying to adopt a child with special needs and my husband went on and on and on about how great that was of her and how great it would be for their daughter to have a sibling. Even though we have 2 kids together so she does have (half)siblings. The adoption failed and my husband was acting like it was his fault. He thinks he ruined her life. Every failing in her life he blames himself for. 

I have told him to get some counselling because he clearly has some issues with her or how their relationship ended. He doesn't act like that with other people. Sure he's nice to other people and he does things for them, but he doesn't bend over backwards for them. His brother was moving recently, and my husband made an excuse not to help him move. When his ex moved he went over and helped her (or, his daughter as he says) without his ex asking. 

I get the feeling that his ex doesn't even really want his help. I don't think she has ever asked him for help. I think she accepts the help because it gives her little pieces of him, or any man. I have watched them interact and she seems hurt. When he gets close she steps away. When he touches her she pulls away and gets a weird look on her face. 

I have a massive urge to text his ex and tell her "Hey, your boyfriend has a wife. Just in case you didn't know." and get it the hell over with. It's none of my business what she does, so I won't and frankly I really don't care.

When I try to talk to my husband about it he says I'm just jealous, I'm insecure, I'm being silly, I don't understand co-parenting because I don't have to do it. The two lines he loves to use are "You don't have kids with anyone else, you don't have to maintain a relationship with an ex" and "Would you rather I be a man who abandoned a woman because she was raped?" YES. Yes, I would. It's not abandoning, it's moving on. She is not his responsibility. 

When she isn't in the picture we don't have any problems. We get along well, really all that is fought about is chores some days. We have alone time and family time, he puts our marriage ahead of other things in his life (other than this). If we didn't otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't be sitting here.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Your husband needs to respect your boundaries with his ex. All contact is limited to childcare logistics only. She can find another nice guy to be her handyman/helper. 

Your husband is being disrespectful of you by continuing this relationship with his ex after you've expressed your concerns. He needs to consider your feelings and put your marriage first.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You moved out of your bedroom for a week and he didn't care.I was wrong in my initial opinion,I thought she was the other woman in your marriage.YOU are the other woman in his relationship with his girlfriend.Note I don't use the prefix ex.She is not his ex,she is the most important person in his life and you are being walked over.If you were a man I would tell you grow a set,whatever the female version of that is you need to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did he leave her for you? 

If the child is 16, there is no need at all for he and his ex to have any contact. He can ring his daughter and make any arrangements directly with her.
When my husband and I married, his children were aged 17 and 20. He made all the arrangements directly with them and didn't see his ex. He asked her not to contact him unless it was a real emergency. 
This will never stop you realise that. Not until you put your foot down and say, no more. Even when his child has gone to college or whatever in 2 years, he will still want contact with her. 
I would ask him to choose, you or her, he hasn't let her go or cut the ties. I dont think he will until he is given the choice, the marriage or her. 

Is there any chance that you can move further away? At least then he cant keep going round!


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## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

So I'm not being unrealistic in thinking my husband should have no contact with his ex unless it's specifically about their child? What do I say when he says he has to help his ex with something because it's for his daughter? I've always said that his ex can deal with it herself, but that's when I get told I'm being jealous or don't understand. I don't like the woman, but she isn't a helpless puppy. 

I should clarify that yes I slept in another bedroom for a week, but my husband was unhappy about it. He did apologize and wanted me to come back to our bed. He tried to shut up about it but I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to say something. He is so obsessed with his ex that it eats away at him. He has never cheated on me or done anything with her. He doesn't want to be with her or want her in any other way. 

He broke up with her because she has issues and they were incompatible. He didn't leave a perfectly good woman for me. He left a dysfunctional relationship. I may have known him when he was still with her, but nothing happened between us until he left her. Meeting a normal person might have shown him the other side, but he didn't leave her for me. 

I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting. 

I have considered moving, but it's not doable right now. He has 50/50 custody and they still honor that. He has a good bond with his daughter. Both of our careers are in this city and moving to even the next major city is a 3 hour drive. When my husbands daughter is in university, then it would be easier because she is looking at schools across the country. We could move anywhere and start over.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

literret said:


> So I'm not being unrealistic in thinking my husband should have no contact with his ex unless it's specifically about their child? What do I say when he says he has to help his ex with something because it's for his daughter? I've always said that his ex can deal with it herself, but that's when I get told I'm being jealous or don't understand. I don't like the woman, but she isn't a helpless puppy.
> 
> I should clarify that yes I slept in another bedroom for a week, but my husband was unhappy about it. He did apologize and wanted me to come back to our bed. He tried to shut up about it but I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to say something. He is so obsessed with his ex that it eats away at him. He has never cheated on me or done anything with her. He doesn't want to be with her or want her in any other way.
> 
> ...


I feel really badly for you in this situation.You don't realise it but you are rug sweeping on a major scale.His daughter is sixteen not six,she has her own life and doesn't need this custody order any more.If she wants to see her dad she can just come over she is not a child any more.I think your husband needs a shock to bring him to his senses and if you can't move from the city you are in then at least move out or ask him to leave.You are being walked over and your feelings being ignored and you are fooling yourself if you think he is not attracted to his ex.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Would your husband have the same attitude of being up your butt constantly if you two split "for the kids?" I doubt it. Does he pay as much attention to the kids you have together or do they get pushed aside for his DD with the ex? He needs to know he is not treating all his kids equally and those with you are getting the short end of it.

IamSomebody


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

literret said:


> I really get the urge to say "shut the **** up about her or we are done".


Say it. I would. There is no reason why your husband can't have a cordial relationship with his ex, that's the ideal, but it doesn't mean they're friends. Especially now that his daughter is 16, there really is no reason for them to have much contact at all. The amount of time he spends over there is utterly ridiculous.

And, in case you show your husband this thread - I'm married to a man with a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 12, almost 13 and the ONLY contact they have is about her. They have an amicable, cordial relationship, but they aren't friends and the only thing they have in common is their daughter.

I would NEVER, not in a million years tolerate what you are putting up with. No freakin' way.



literret said:


> I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting.


What problems? How is asking your SIXTEEN year old daughter directly "what time are you coming tommorrow?" or "Do you need me to pick you up?" putting adult problems on children??? Wtf???


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He wont be putting adult problems on children. Doesn't he speak to her on the phone at all? She is 16, not far off being an adult, she is quite old enough to make her own arrangements. 

He may see it that he left her for you, and that may have added to the guilt. He should not be going round doing things for her, she is an adult and can do things for herself or get someone in to do them. He does not need to go into their house at all. 

You may need to set a boundary here. State simply, this cant go on, either you cut the ties or this marriage is over. I am amazed you have left it this long.

Jim Smoke, who has counselled thousands of divorced people, says that you must have as little contact as possible with the ex otherwise you wont be able to move on. 

Mind you,I guess you knew all this when you married him. 

Marriage counseling may help him to see what is going on here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Paying child support on a timely basis, and being there for his daughter are the only requisites that your H owes to his ex!

Being her ardent "step-and-fetch-it" should never ever be remotely a part of his job description!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I can see the dads point of view. He wants his daughter to have a nice and comfortable life, he wants to prove to her he loves her and will always do what he can. He knows the ex is a **** up and he feels guilty the kid is being raised by a nut job so he is over compensating. I would bet he realizes the ex is taking advantage of him but feels it's a price he is willing to pay to make his daughter comfortable. You can argue that new grass in the yard doesn't help the daughter but I disagree, now she has a home with a nice lawn and isn't subject to ridicule from other kids for living in a trashy looking home. 

I feel sorry for the guy, he is torn and trying to make everyone happy. You can call him a doormat if you wish, I think he believes the consequences of not being involved would have a negative impact on his daughters life.

Not saying I agree, but do understand.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'll add to the chorus. I am divorced and remarried with two of my children being from my first marriage. The vast majority of the people I know are also divorced with children from their previous marriages. While I know a couple of folks who have a friendly relationship with their ex's, inviting them and their SO's over for BBQ and occasional gatherings, most only speak when it is something related to the children's health, safety, or education and the occasional scheduling issue. So, no, you defintiely aren't just being insecure and jealous. 

Have you thought about contacting his ex directly, discussing the issue with her, and staging an intervention of sorts? You stated that your H's ex has not asked him for help and has acted skittish around him, clearly indicating she doesn't want the same level of contact he is comfortable with. She could be an ally here.

Also, I'd tell her about her beau being married as gently and as soon as possible. It's the decent thing to do. After that, whatever happens between her and the MM is between her, the MM, and his wife.


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## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

I talked to my husband multiple times and told him that he needs to cut contact with his ex. His daughter is 16, she can text or call him herself. She can get into the car herself, he doesn’t need to go into his ex’s house ever. If something is broken they can call someone to fix it, he doesn’t need to do it or even need to know. My husband continues to use the excuses that he is doing it for his daughter and he wants his daughter to see a good co-parent relationship and know that he didn’t abandon them. She has no memory of them together, the kid is fine. 

Last week I confronted his ex and told her that she needs to stop the contact and stand on her own two feet. She said that she has never asked him for help and would rather they had less contact. She says that, but she has never done anything about it. She could easily tell him to F off and go away, no allow him in the house, take the spare key that he has, refuse to talk to him about anything other than their child. She clearly likes him hanging around all these years. 

To be honest, it really pissed me off. She can’t get her own husband so she tries to take bits and pieces from other women’s husbands. I made a comment about her boyfriend being married and her response (spoken and physical) indicated she had no idea he was married. 

On one hand I feel bad about letting that information out because it’s none of my business. On the other hand, I’m glad because now she is completely pissed at my husband for knowing and not saying anything but telling me. She won’t respond to his texts, won’t let him pick their daughter up instead she drops her off and quickly leaves without getting out. ie, how it probably should be. 

But who is my husband pissed at, me. For meddling and for hurting her. He still seems to care more that his ex is hurting vs. his actions hurting me. His excuse is that she is broken and he doesn’t want to make her life worse because it will affect their daughter. If she is so broken and damaged that she can’t handle anything bad then she shouldn’t have custody at all. It’s not his job to protect her. 

So I put it out there, that he needs to let go of her and stop contacting her (unless directly about the teenager) or we’re divorcing and I won’t allow him to hang around me the way he does with her. And again, he goes right back to he needs his daughter to have an okay mother. What about our kids? It’s ok if they have a pissed off, miserable, unhappy mother?

I’m about to walk out the front door. I cannot get it through his head that he is being an idiot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Basically he hasn't cut the emotional ties. For a married man to have the the keys of another woman's house is madness.


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## literret (Apr 16, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Basically he hasn't cut the emotional ties. For a married man to have the the keys of another woman's house is madness.


My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't. 

I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

literret said:


> My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't.
> 
> I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.


Your husband isn't marriage material right now..... the emotional cord hasn't been cut.

I know how this feels.....i could tell you stories about my hb and his ridiculous boundaries with his ex and her family when i met him. And his daughter was was 16 when we met, so it's not like she was a little kid.

To own my part I put up with it for way too long. They'd been divorced 3 years when we met and I heard had been separated for several prior to that, so i hardly had anything to do with their breakup.

But post divorce dynamics were new to me as I'd only been recently divorced and my ex and i were not on good terms at the time, so I didn't know what a healthy ex spouse relationship looked like. 

He'd go to every damn party she or her family had, they had keys to each others houses..... they were even vacationing together with her family. The first holiday we were dating I was going to dump him if he went on vacation with them. 

He didn't.....i think he knew what he was doing wasn't right. And his ex, while I don't think she wanted him back, definitely liked the attention and the idea that she was so important that he couldn't move on. 

I could threadjack for the next 3 hours with stories like this, but eventually I just blew up. I won't get into specifics but let's just say that she's pretty much out of our lives now. And coincidentally right after our blow up she married her bf. I can't imagine that he was thrilled with the whole thing.

I've dealt with her directly once..... let's say that I can play dirty too if that's what she wants.

You, like me, should've dealt with this ages ago. But here your are, so stop confronting her or fighting with him. Simply tell him that it's clear he's too attached to her to be marriage material and you're sorry you didn't accept this years ago.

Tell him you will be on your way, and do not address any more bull**** from him. He can spin it any way he wants but you can inform him that you'll not be putting up with it, and you'll be finding a man who isn't attached to his ex.

If he wants to deal with his boundaries let him demonstrate it to you. He can be there for his ex while single..... fighting over it only gives him opportunities to justify and bull****.

Just set your boundaries and enforce them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good, Im glad to read that you are standing up for yourself on this. Also its a GOOD thing you let her know about her married boyfriend! Your H really should have told her, and I dont blame her for being mad over it. The only bad thing is that once she gets over it, she may actually amp up contact with him. I am so disappointed in how much he takes her side on this against you, that isnt a real husband, sorry to say.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Cooper said:


> I can see the dads point of view. He wants his daughter to have a nice and comfortable life, he wants to prove to her he loves her and will always do what he can. He knows the ex is a **** up and he feels guilty the kid is being raised by a nut job so he is over compensating. I would bet he realizes the ex is taking advantage of him but feels it's a price he is willing to pay to make his daughter comfortable. You can argue that new grass in the yard doesn't help the daughter but I disagree, now she has a home with a nice lawn and isn't subject to ridicule from other kids for living in a trashy looking home.
> 
> I feel sorry for the guy, he is torn and trying to make everyone happy. You can call him a doormat if you wish, I think he believes the consequences of not being involved would have a negative impact on his daughters life.
> 
> Not saying I agree, but do understand.


This. I felt bad for my ex since I left her and made her a part time single mom overnight. Early on I had problems saying "no" to her, which caused issues with my current relationship (engaged). I only interact with my ex via text and only about kids. It's a tough spot to be in. I always do whatever to make life easier/better for my two kids and it's never in my mind to do things for her. But my fiancee doesn't always see it that way and there's a fine line. As long as he's not lying about his interactions with her, I'd cut him a little slack. Definitely get the daughter a car so she can go between the two houses as she wishes and ditch the parenting schedule. I can't wait until my kids turn 16!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry, he gets no slack here. Why should he? OP has seen what happens when he is given slack, and its unacceptable. He is under ZERO obligation to do ANYTHING for his XW. Period. His daughter is 16, not 6, she will get it. She probably thinks its weird, the way things have been. If the H in this situation wasnt married/in a relationship, then he could kiss the XW's ass all he wanted to, but he is committed to someone, so boundaries need to apply.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

literret said:


> My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't.
> 
> I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.


He probably doesn't think you will go through with it.


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