# Does this behaviour make sense to any men out there - please?



## London81 (Jan 16, 2012)

Hi (sorry this is going to be a bit of a long post)

I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 5. We fell in love quite quickly and were engaged after being together a year. When we first met, I was 21 (he was 25) and I had planned to go travelling at the end of that year - as we started the relationship it became very obvious that we were very serious and that he would like to come away with me on my trip. So we travelled the world for 8 months and he proposed at the start of the trip.

Once back home in the UK, we moved into together and got jobs etc. Everything was fine but whenever I or family members tried to approach the subject of setting a date for the wedding he would sort of avoid it. Anyway, eventually I asked him – ‘You don’t want to get married do you?’ which he replied that he wasn’t sure he was ready yet. So I told him that he should never have asked me in the first place if he wasn’t ready to do it. 

To cut a long story short – I told him that I didn’t think I could stay with him. So I asked him to leave and he would not, after a lot of talking and time, he decided that he was just having a wobble and that he did want to get married. So two years after he asked me – we got married. I now know that I should have not have given him that type of ultimatum but I was young and didn’t know any better. 

Before we got married, I decided that we should go on another world adventure and that we could do a long term trip as part of our honeymoon. So after we got married we left the UK and travelled through Russia, Asia etc and ended up in Australia where we got jobs. We have since been living in Oz for the last 3 years. We never really argue and we are quite different i.e. personalities and interests but somehow when we are together it just works. Whilst travelling we have had the most amazing adventures and do some life changing things (although that is normally organised by me but he loves those types of stuff).

For the last year, I felt my husband become more and more distant from me. I tried to talk to him about it and each time, he just buried his head in the sand (he is not good with dealing with issues). Everything came to head around 3 months ago and I decided to tell him that I felt that he should take some space away from me to decide if he truly wanted to be with me. I really felt like he was depressed (as he wasn’t enjoying his job, missing his family in the UK etc) and when I asked him if he wanted to move back to the UK – he would just say he didn’t know.

At first he did not want to leave but I forced him to leave (truly believing that I needed to give him the space to decide if he wanted us anymore and because the type of person he is, I knew he would never really leave himself because he would want to do the right thing). 

At first, he could not understand what my issue was and why I wanted him to have some time away from me. He was constantly contacting me and telling me that he missed me. Anyway, after we started to meet up to talk after a week or two, he started to change his perspective until one day he turned up at our apartment unannounced and informed me that it wasn’t going to work.

He would hardly say anything and just couldn’t explain anything. Since then we have been meeting up and doing things i.e. lunch etc. However, when I pressed him for more details about how he felt – he said that he loved me like a best friend and like a sister.

We are now a couple of months since he moved out but he can’t seem to cut ties with me but still says things like ‘my feelings haven’t changed’ but can’t bear it when I try to approach the subject of how we formally separate and apply for divorce. He even wanted to see me over the Christmas period when we were both home visiting family in the UK and took me ice skating. 

Every time we have spent together, you would think that we are not apart because we catch up, laugh and joke etc and it’s not awkward or false.

Also still does the following;

-	Not changed his marriage status on facebook (I have – I have hidden that info from view from everyone and also unfriended him)
-	Not unfriended all of my family and friends on fb (even though I asked him to and I have because I didn’t want to make it more painful for me to see what he was up to)
-	Was still wearing his wedding ring up until I took mine off in the New Year because I told him that I can’t go on like this
-	Keeps saying he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend
-	When he visited the apartment, offered to make dinner and just doesn’t seem to want to leave when I try to finish things
-	Whenever, I try to email him to start to organise finances and splitting things he just ignores them
-	Can’t speak when I ask him questions about what he is feeling, what he wants (holds back the tears and he is not an overemotional person normally)

So my question to everyone is it just the guilt that he feels about doing this to me that is not allowing him to completely let go or is there more to this? Or am I just trying to hang onto something that just isn’t there anymore?

I am planning on moving back to the UK in the next 3 weeks because I can’t continue living in our apartment and also working the office building next door – so I feel like I need to get away to try and separate myself from him. I keep thinking that he is depressed but I spoke to his brother last night and found out that they think it is just because he can’t bear the hurt that he has caused me because of his decision and just can’t cope with it.

Can anyone understand or relate to this? As I need to try to understand and make sure that I am not walking away from my marriage when it could possibly be saved - please help


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

He sounds like he might be a Nice Guy. Nice Guys want to be seen to be Nice 100% of the time. If he didn’t “really” want to get married to you it would have meant he would have to have told you the reasons why. And as they would have been negative things about you he wouldn’t express them as that would make him look, in his eyes, not nice and he’d no longer be the Nice Guy. Being seen as “Nice” is tremendously important to these people. In fact it is probably their main mission in life.

The problem with this Nice Guy way of thinking is that they just don’t know people would rather have the truth (at least their truth) about themselves than they would to be deceived and lied to. Nice Guys avoid confrontation “at any cost” (unless their back is really pushed against the wall and they have no escape) and sometimes that cost of avoidance is tremendously high. Not only for themselves but for the person they confess to love as well.


In essence you have a husband who is 50/50 and perhaps not even 50% into you and therefore your marriage. But the really strange thing is you are going to have to be the one to break it up even though you are the one who is 100% into your marriage.

But I think you are far better off breaking it up and finding a man who is 100% into you and lets you know it. Who is willing to confront issues and resolve them as they arise.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No, the behavior doesn't make sense.

But yes, as Bob mentioned, the behavior is classic to a particular subset of men.

If you want some passion and spark in your next relationship, and potential marriage partner, then you most certainly don't want to choose someone that will follow you around like an agreeable puppy, fearful of displeasing you or making you upset.

Dump this guy. Completely. Screw being 'friends'. Best thing you can do for yourself and for him.


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