# LeavingMyH



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I have spent over three years trying to reconcile with a former WH who has refused stop lying about the things he did in the past. Yes, he stopped cheating, but he has been no help to me when I have needed to talk about the pain he caused me. I am now seeing that he has basically just continued to try to gaslight me. Any of the few admissions of guilt have been denied if brought up again. He tells me he never said that, like I'm just making it all up. It's hard for me because he has improved in a lot of areas, but I'm not listening to the lies anymore.

Another reason I am leaving is his drinking and refusal to do anything on the weekends besides playing games or watching TV. I am not wasting anymore of my life in boredom and frustration. 

I signed a lease on an apartment and will be moving in seven days. I really wanted things to work out and tried very hard to convince myself that everything was great. I'm not listening to my lies anymore, either. I am done with this marriage. It feels like it took me three years to get over the pain caused by his cheating and now that I'm over it- I'm over him, as well. I don't hate him, I'm just over him.

I feel no tenderness for him when he cries and pleads for me to stay. It just all seems fake to me, now. Just a ploy to try to get his way. I just want a peaceful and amicable ending. I'm looking forward to brighter days. I don't know where this strength I suddenly started feeling came from, but I'm going to run with it. My brother passed away in April and I do wonder if that had something to do with it. I just realize life is too short and unpredictable to spend it with someone who can't or won't be honest with you. I won't waste anymore time trying to reconcile on his terms. The people who tried to warn about rug sweeping were right.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

This sounds fair to me.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

I can relate to a lot of your post. Cheating and lies are a big factor in me leaving as well. My STBXH inproved in some ways but still is unable (or unwilling) to see what the pain has done to me. 

Keep the strength! It's a long and difficult road ahead, one I'm just starting myself.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Thanks for the encouragement. It's much needed. I know I'm doing what's best for both of us, but I still have moments when I just want to let him hold me. I'm sure that once I've moved, things will get easier. I hope, anyway. He's just being so nice about everything and I have to admit that it took a lot for me to keep my strength last night. I just have to keep telling myself that no matter what other improvements he makes, it's no good without honesty. A couple of weeks ago, he told me he'd do anything if I would stay. I asked him to schedule a polygraph. Apparently, he'd do anything except that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You can do this.
You're worth more than he is willing to give. Don't you just love how "anything" suddenly becomes so nebulous when you offer up something concrete? Follow your heart


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Well, I did it. I'm all settled into my cute little cozy apartment. It feels good to be on my own, which surprises me. I'm sleeping well and working out a lot- though maybe not eating quite enough. All in all, I feel pretty good.

So far, the only problems I've experienced are that I miss my dogs and I feel guilty because my husband is having a hard time with all of this. I keep thinking about how he didn't consider my feelings when he cheated on me and I get mad at myself for feeling bad about leaving. Just kind of a mix of emotions right now, concerning him. I do catch myself missing him at times. I think the fact that I spent so much time in reconciliation with him refusing to be honest with me has helped make this break easier on me. He's playing the victim to his family and I'm sure they can't understand why I would do such a thing to him. That part bothers me. I think highly of his family and wish they knew the truth, but I will let it be.

My friends and family have been very supportive of me. I'm pretty sure I've made the right decision. I'm thinking about waiting a little while before filing for divorce. Give us both some time to get used to being apart before finalizing everything. I just don't know if I'm ready for that step,yet. Despite all that happened in my marriage, I still care about him but I have to do what's right for me. This feels right, so far. 

Just wanted to update and get some thoughts out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

So much of your posts sound similar to my situation. 

For me guilt is such a B****! 

I feel guilty for asking for the separation, now the divorce.

I feel guilty for being the one to breakup our marriage and our family.

I feel guilty that because we're getting a divorce, he will now have to pay childsupport and I'm "trying to take all his money" (his words).


I have to get angry to get past the guilt. He's the one that choose to walk out on his wife and child to screw his co-worker. He choose to lie and lie and lie again. He choose to put his "wants" before the needs of his family. 

I'm guilty of not wanting to live like that anymore. I'm guilty of demanding to be treated with respect and to have honesty. I'm guilty of wanting to be loved the way I love.



Someday I hope to be able to let go of the guilt and the anger. I want want to be mad anymore. But I'd rather be mad than believe the lies about me being responsible to destroying our marriage!


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

This is a very interesting thread to me. Granted both daisy and Luvmyh, you both have absolutely legitimate reasons for requesting a divorce. But, even in that, you feel the guilt. It is very eye opening for me.

Luvmyh, it is definitely going to "feel" right for a while. But, feelings come and go over time. Spend this time getting to know yourself better and loving yourself more. Good luck.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Good for you, LuvMyH...


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I'm crumbling. Last weekend my husband and I got together to talk and I ended up having sex with Saturday and Sunday. When I left Sunday, I was feeling like there was hope for us and I told him not to do anything stupid because I wanted to think things through and try to make a decision about whether I would come home or not. Tuesday, I made up my mind. He had been trying to be more honest with me and I wanted to give it another chance. When I called Tuesday night to tell him, I had a hard time reaching him. Then when he finally called he was distant and had a weird attitude, so I didn't tell him what I had planned. I asked him that night if he was talking to another woman. He's done it before and I got te distinct impression it was happening again. I checked phone records and sure enough, he was. He even talked to her for over two hours right after we had been intimate. 

He told me he had gone out with some coworkers Friday night before that, but that he didn't have fun because he was just thinking about how if he had done things like that with me, I might still be with him. Well, he tells me last night that one of the coworkers was the woman he had been talking to. They were out til 3 am drinking together and they kissed. She had told me earlier that nothing happened. "He's married! I have morals." Right. What is with these women having no respect for other women and blindly believing anything a married man tells them? I know she's not my problem, but my husband told me her husband had cheated on her, so you'd think she would be a little more sensitive than that. 

She still tried to contact him last night after being nice to me in a text. This has all just sent me in a tailspin. Now, I'm making plans with my husband for me to come home this weekend, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to regret it. He says all he's wanted is for me to come home, but why would he turn to another woman again? Now, I'm worried that if I don't immediately go home, he's going to hook up with her and completely ruin any chance we have. I'm not ready to divorce him. I'm not ready to reconcile after learning about her, but here I am making plans with my husband. What am I doing?

Saturday, I tried to tell my husband I didn't think having sex while we were separated was a good idea, but he was persistent and I missed him. Now, I'm pissed that he talked me into that without telling me he kissed someone else the night before and then he spent two hours on the phone with her afterward. I must be the stupidest woman on the planet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> She still tried to contact him last night after being nice to me in a text. This has all just sent me in a tailspin. Now, I'm making plans with my husband for me to come home this weekend, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to regret it. He says all he's wanted is for me to come home, but why would he turn to another woman again? Now, I'm worried that if I don't immediately go home, he's going to hook up with her and completely ruin any chance we have. I'm not ready to divorce him. I'm not ready to reconcile after learning about her, but here I am making plans with my husband. What am I doing?
> 
> Saturday, I tried to tell my husband I didn't think having sex while we were separated was a good idea, but he was persistent and I missed him. Now, I'm pissed that he talked me into that without telling me he kissed someone else the night before and then he spent two hours on the phone with her afterward. I must be the stupidest woman on the planet.
> Posted via Mobile Device


You're not stupid. You just have fear of loss. Fear does strange things to even the most level headed. My question is, "why do you have this fear?" You obviously have much to offer.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't feel like I have much to offer. All of the cheating has really hurt my self esteem. I was finally feeling better about myself until this. Now I feel exactly like I did after dday. Couldn't sleep last night, can't eat. I just want to bond with my husband, but I'm tired of being hurt. I've been faithful to him for almost 15 yrs and I dont understand why he continues to do this crap to me. I can't just stop loving him after so many years, but I know that I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a volunteer. I don't know what to do. Correction: I know what to do, but I don't feel like I have the strength to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I am in a very similar situation so I know what you are going through. I really think you need to stay away from him for awhile. He is cake eating. I was doing the same thing, trying to stay close to my H because I didn't want him to go back to OW but then I realized, if I can't keep him from dating someone else when we are married and "in love" I sure can't keep him from dating when we aren't. If you go back, he's just going to continue this. If he truly wants you, he will fight for you. I'm not saying he's not going to be stupid but if he's stupid and goes after this other woman, why do you want him? Low self esteem of not, you know your worth is much higher than this. You have much to offer, don't allow him to make you doubt that.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I think part of my problem is that I feel so exhausted today- emotionally and physically. I need food and sleep. Then maybe I can think more clearly. I even went to check on him this morning because he sounded so pitiful and self loathing about hurting me again. I was worried about him. He has that effect on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I understand. I'm wondering though....I am the same way (we aren't physically seperated yet) and I worry about him, do his laundry, catch myself still making his lunch for his work or at least making sure there is enough leftovers for him, etc. I was in my Divorce Care support group and someone mentioned co-dependency. I looked it up and think I might be in that group. Here is the information from a web page. I don't have all of the sypmtoms, or at least I don't think I do but I do think I exhibit enough of it to take it seriously. Do you think you might fit this?

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

•Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
•People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
•Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
•Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
•Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
•Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
•Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
•Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
•Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
•Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
•Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
•Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.
There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

In the majority of the marriages where a cycle of anger and resentment has fostered along with communication problems is a direct reflection of codependency.


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## Enoughathome (Oct 10, 2012)

Dear lady, 

I am too in pain in my marriage. I almost wish my wife would cheat so I could gather the anger necessary to leave. My wife is impossible to deal with, but yet, I love her and don't want a divorce. However, being with her is making my physically and emotionally wrecked. 

I will never marry again.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

LuvMyH said:


> I don't feel like I have much to offer. All of the cheating has really hurt my self esteem. I was finally feeling better about myself until this. Now I feel exactly like I did after dday. Couldn't sleep last night, can't eat. I just want to bond with my husband, but I'm tired of being hurt. I've been faithful to him for almost 15 yrs and I dont understand why he continues to do this crap to me. I can't just stop loving him after so many years, but I know that I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a volunteer. I don't know what to do. Correction: I know what to do, but I don't feel like I have the strength to do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I'm currently in a similar dilemma. All I really want to do is grab my wife in my arms and fix everything. I've been faithful 13 years and currently every night about 9pm my wife runs out and sits in her vehicle in the garage and talks to the OM till about midnight. As much as I try to not let it bother me it really tears me up inside. At times I feel strong like I can overcome all of this then other times I feel like no one would ever want me and I'm a failure. Its hard because my love for her never vanished. 

The lying is the worst thing about your predicament. If you don't have honesty you can't have trust. Any relationship you have with this guy will be plagued with distrust and any missteps on his part will have you playing investigator, manically trying to find out if he's cheating again or questioning your own sanity when he lies more to cover up his other lies.

The fact the guy had sex with you and then talked to this other girl is sick. Since her husband cheated on her she is probably opening up to him about it and he is probably opening up to her about issues he has with you. Which can form a strong emotional bond between the two. If the two do have a relationship. It will not be built on getting to know and like each other as most normal couples meet, but on the need for someones shoulder to cry on or a outlet to vent their emotions and problems in their relationships. It will never last as a relationship. If he truly loves you he will better himself and try to win you back. I'm willing to bet by that time you wouldn't accept him back because you would have figured out how much happier you are without him. There is a man out there somewhere who will treat you right and is looking everywhere for you right now. 

And try not to think too much about these things if you are tired or worn down. It will only make things worse. Get some sleep and go for a long walk or something. Everytime you start to go over things in your head just shake it off and tell yourself. "I'm just tired right now thats why I'm thinking like this" 

From everything you've said here I think you made the right decision to get away. I know its hard, but it seems the other alternatives are much worse. Nothing I can say can take away the pain and fear. Wish I could. It hurts to see so many people going through these same things when you know how hurtful they are. Let me put this as eloquently as possible. Cheaters suck. They only think of themselves. Whether they are thinking of going to bed with another women or trying to keep you from leaving them for their own comfort. Its not about their love for you, but for their love of themselves. If the tables were turned he would be devastated and probably not be as nice as you are being to him.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Well, I can check yes on some, not all of the things on that list. The thing about my husband is that I'm not the only one who babies him. He is adept at using tears and emotional speaking. It works on lots of people in his life. I do see through it at times, but will feel guilty for doubting his sincerity. Does that make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

ImperfectMomma said:


> I was in my Divorce Care support group and someone mentioned co-dependency. I looked it up and think I might be in that group. Here is the information from a web page. I don't have all of the sypmtoms, or at least I don't think I do but I do think I exhibit enough of it to take it seriously. Do you think you might fit this.


 I fit everyone of those descriptions! :slap:


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> Well, I can check yes on some, not all of the things on that list. The thing about my husband is that I'm not the only one who babies him. He is adept at using tears and emotional speaking. It works on lots of people in his life. I do see through it at times, but will feel guilty for doubting his sincerity. Does that make sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And u don't find this completely unattractive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

NoWhere, you are so right. I may feel stupid right now because I allowed myself to be played again, but deep down, the smart woman in me knows that every single thing you just wrote is absolutely true. The part about him comforting her over her cheating husband is very hard to swallow, considering he never comforted his own wife, whom he did the same things to,but won't admit it. That part kills me. Especially when I tried to tell him so many times that I needed his support and honesty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Dedicated2Her said:


> And u don't find this completely unattractive?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I do. I even got angry one day before I left when he was crying. I told him he needed to man up because the tears were pissing me off. He's made me feel guilty about that several times. I do think it kind of shocked him. That's probably why he still mentions it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

LuvMyH said:


> NoWhere, you are so right. I may feel stupid right now because I allowed myself to be played again, but deep down, the smart woman in me knows that every single thing you just wrote is absolutely true. The part about him comforting her over her cheating husband is very hard to swallow, considering he never comforted his own wife, whom he did the same things to,but won't admit it. That part kills me. Especially when I tried to tell him so many times that I needed his support and honesty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 He may be comforting her simply as a tool to sleep with her. I don't know your husband, but this is a pretty common thing among people who cheat or have narcissistic tendencies. 

And in no way are you stupid. Love can make you forgive and overlook so much wrong doing. You sound like a real level headed smart women and I'm sure there are a lot of men out there dying to meet you. Don't think of this as a ending, but a new beginning. I know its tough. I try and tell myself the same thing. Knowing whats right in your head and doing it are two different things. Every fiber of my body tells me to rush to my ex's side, forgive her and beg for her love back. But I know where that road leads. The path to a new life offers the possibility for a new deeper more fulfilling romance and happier times. Yes there will be pockets of loneliness along the way and it could be a long rough road, but surely it leads to somewhere better. I already know where the one I'm on leads and I don't like feeling mixed up and hurt like this. I'm sure you agree on that last point.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Yes, I do. I even got angry one day before I left when he was crying. I told him he needed to man up because the tears were pissing me off. He's made me feel guilty about that several times. I do think it kind of shocked him. That's probably why he still mentions it.


The point of him mentioning it is to make you feel guilty. He is trying to impose conviction on you to get what he wants. Childish, immature behavior for sure. He has major identity issues. I had them that is why it's easy to spot. Until he becomes comfortable with himself as a man, you need to stay away for your own good and for his.


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## Lippi (Oct 9, 2012)

My wife just wants to leave me cos of her hobby in this case cycling. We have a 4 year old kid and I want the kid to stay with me. She used to always praise me fully in the cards she used to send me and never mentioned the word separation before. I am not in denial but I believe in my marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My opinion... dont do it, dont go back. Continue on the path that you started for yourself, otherwise this will be your forever, this constant betrayal and emotional rollercoaster.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Thanks for everyone's input. I feel much better than I did this morning. I did so want to see ending my marriage as a new beginning. I'm just very upset about what has transpired this past week. I was so sure in the beginning of our separation that I was over my husband and strong enough to let him go. Now, I feel heartbroken all over again. I'm really mad at myself for being intimate with him. I have never been able to keep sex separate from emotions and I knew that about myself. If that hadn't happened, the whole thing with his coworker probably wouldn't have stung so much. It feels like I'm back to square one. I swear I will learn from this mistake and not repeat it. If I can just get over him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't worry you may feel like you are back at square one, but I think you will find with each day these feelings, when they pop up, last shorter and shorter a time.

I know in my case my sexual needs boil up and take over if I allow myself to think about it at all. While it sounds great on the surface to fulfill those needs by sleeping with my ex. I know it will make me feel like our relationship never ended and all of those times we made love and her touch would flood my mind with mixed emotions.
It would be wonderful and terrible at the same time for me I'm afraid. Afterwards when she ran back to her OM I would feel like I was experiencing the ending of my relationship all over again. 

Its hard to separate sex from emotion. I've seen a few people on these forums who sleep with their ex's, but I'm just not that type of person. I'm curious how they do it? For that to work for me I would have to separate who she is from her body and treat her as a object for my own satisfaction. That's something I don't think I can do.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He's a serial cheater. He can't help himself. I think you've gone above and beyond. You've been trying to work through this for three years. You tried separation and he "kissed" another woman, if indeed that's all it was. You started to feel good being on your own. I think you need to continue to be on your own. But I think you need to go ahead and file. You definitely deserve someone better. He needs to learn consequences.

Tough love, my dear, tough love.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I went to see him last night so that I could tell him I can't move back home, atleast not yet. Before I even got the words out, he stopped me and said that he screwed up. He said for me to take as much time time as I need and that he will not do anything involving any other woman until we have actually filed for divorce. First of all, I was surprised that he offered that up without my having to ask. Secondly, his demeaner was different. He wasn't acting all victimized like he has been. He actually seemed strong to me last night. He repeated that he screwed up- that it wasn't my fault or he OWs fault, only his. I don't take this lightly because admitting he is wrong without disclaimers is very rare for him without a tears and drama show. He even said he remembers that before we separated, I had specifically told him it would be a bad idea to get involved other people until we were divorced and that I was right. Who is this man?

I feel like I can breathe. I don't feel pressured into making a decision right away like I did yesterday. I'm just going to try to relax and stop worrying about him falling into the arms of another woman. I want to see if he's capable of handling the separation without doing that. 

Now for the bad news. He was starting to admit to small things regarding his infidelity in the past before this past week. Well, now he's back to denying it all. I asked why he was starting be honest and was now, retracting everything. He claims he was just admitting to anything because he wanted me to come home. Sigh. So, we are back to square one on the whole lying about his past indiscretions thing. 

I'm just going to give it little time and see if he continues to man up. Accepting responsibility for the thing with his coworker was a big step for him. Maybe he will eventually accept responsibility for the things he did in the past. I'm not going to wait forever, but seeing the difference in him last night made me want to wait a while before filing for divorce. I know he's capable of change, I've seen it in the past. 

Well, anyway, it's good to not feel like I'm under pressure to come home right away or let him go forever. We made plans to go see a movie tomorrow night. I know I should probably listen to those of you who have advised me to stay away from him, but I don't like the thought of him being lonely all weekend and I want to be around the strong man I saw last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

LMH,

Just to let you know. People can change, completely. I am one of those people. However, it takes one year of consistent change for you to be able to trust it. Just remember that.

Not being around him is not us saying that to protect you. It is a way for you to find yourself again, therefore, you can be a fully healthy adult if you guys reconcile. He needs the time, too.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Just sounds like he figured out crying was not getting him anywhere and made a effort to not show any emotion. I'd be more concerned about the lying though. Be careful that he is not trying to win you back out of fear of change and loss for his own benefit not because he loves you. If you guys don't fix the problems that lead to his infidelity it will only happen again. Not trying to persuade you not to get back with him. Just guard your heart a little or you might end up back here in agony again when it happens the next time.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I guess it could be that I'm just used to the lying. I remember when we were engaged and his stepfather warned me that you have to filter through the bs with my husband. He said it was usually about 60% truth 40% bs. He's not that bad anymore on a day to day basis, but in the case of his past infidelity, he is unwavering in his lies. I know that until that changes, we don't stand a chance. That's the main reason I moved out. I know that trying to reconcile while he is still denying everything is pointless. I've been through that already. 

The main reason I'm having a hard time just giving up on him is that he had straightened up and quit cheating for the past 3 1/2 yrs. He was also treating me better- still neglectful at times, but there was no more hatefulness. I didn't doubt that he loved me. I don't believe he loved during the years he was cheating, but we had grown closer. It's just that I was tired of the lies and denial. ( along with too much drinking and video games on the weekends) I hate that we were getting along so well in other areas and I made it clear that I forgave the cheating, but he continued to gaslight me. There was no reason for it. There is still no reason for it now. Yet, it goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Well if this is what you want good luck to you. You sound like a very caring person and he should be lucky to have you. He should put down the games and take you out more and treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Personally I could never get over the lying thing. How do you know anything he tells you is the truth.
The cheating doesn't help either. I can understand not feeling loved or not getting enough attention and looking elsewhere. Though the act of actually crossing that line says a lot about someones character to me. Just being cordial and nice to someone you can get out of a roommate so I hope by 'treating you better' its more then just that.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

As evidenced by last night, it's clear that my husband and I can't spend time together without ending up in bed. I think it's clouding my judgement and weakening my resolve. I'm afraid if I stay away from him he's going to do something to render our marriage irrepairable. But then, I know the lies have already done that. I am thinking the reason he is so adamantly retracting all of his admissions of guilt this time is the fact he was comforting the ow over her husband cheating on her when he knows he did the same thing to his own wife and didn't comfort her. I am thinking he can't handle the guilt he would feel if he admitted to me or himself that he had stooped so low. And I need to admit to myself that this is a new low for him. I really don't want to live like this anymore. 

I think I am having a hard time accepting that he may well make permament changes in his weekend habits and someone else will get to enjoy that with him after I invested 15 yrs in him. That thought hurts, but I also know that even if he makes those changes, he's not likely to change his lying ways. I mean, look at what he has already done in the beginning stages of an EA with this ow. Being sympathetic to her without telling her who he really is- that's just more evidence that I'm spinning my wheels trying to extract honesty from him, right? 

I do need to find myself. I'm so wrapped up in him and worrying about what he's doing that I'm not looking out for myself. I'm dropping weight I really shouldn't be losing and running on no sleep. I need to find the strength to cut him out of my life, don't I? I guess the best place to start would be to stay away for a while. This hurts. I wish I still felt as optimistic as I felt when I first left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

One more strange thing: last night we were talking about the past 3 yrs and I told him that I really did appreciate the positive changes he made. He told me he had been walking on eggshells the whole time. He's never said that before and I've never felt that either of us were doing that. I asked him why he said that and he said that he was being so careful to not put himself in any situations with women to cause me to question his loyalty to me. I told him most people consider that being married and having boundaries, not walking on eggshells. He got a bit defensive. I think the EA is causing him to rewrite history. He did that in in another affair, too. Frustrating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I'm done. Yesterday afternoon my husband surprises me by coming to my place. This was the first time he's been here. He wanted to pick up some pizza and watch a movie at home instead of going out. I didn't have a problem with that and he asked if I would spend the night. I did. He was being really sweet to me and when he brought me back here he told me he really hoped I come home to stay. I went to the gym, came home and sent him a pleasant text about enjoying being with him last night. His whole attitude had changed again and he's treating me like crap which makes me feel awful about last night. 

After a few texts, I called him and finally get to the bottom of the mood swing. He's going to have to see and talk to his coworker tomorrow. I knew that's what was eating at him. He's going to have to do some damage control because I told her a little about him. Well, if he's so worried about what she's going to think, that he's treating me this way after last night, he can kiss my a$$. I think I've snapped out of the funk I've been in because I really feel like I made the right decision when I moved out. He can be someone else's problem. I don't care at this point. I think I just got my strength back. He's a waste of my time. I'm going to call him and tell him that I want a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I do think that if the OW is lying to you then you have problems with her as well, and should cut both of them off. Let them destroy each other's lives, not yours.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I told him I want a divorce. He started with the "baby, no!" I hung up. I hate the way things have turned out. I had good reason for leaving and he knows it. If he had left me alone instead of constantly texting and calling me with all the guilt trips, I just feel like he could have done whatever he wanted with this coworker and I probably wouldn't have even known or cared. I was in such good spirits before, now it all feels so negative and hurtful. I need to get back to that place I was a month ago and rid myself of this bitterness and hostility that I'm feeling now. He was so loving last night and now it feels like he just wanted to be able to hurt me one last time. My head is telling me that I'm going to be happier and healthier without this lying cheating husband in my life, but my heart doesn't believe it, yet. I shouldn't have ever let him reel me back in. I'm just an emotional mess now and I felt so good about things before. I don't think it will take long for me to get over it. I just need to keep reminding myself about the lying. No matter how great of a weekend we had together, he was still lying and that would have made reconciliation impossible. Honestly, I thought about that last night, but I chose to ignore it. 


Tomorrow's another day. I just need to shake all of this off and start fresh. That's the plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

We are divorcing. My stbx will never stop lying. He has convinced this new woman that he never cheated on me. After destroying our marriage with lies, he's beginning a new relationship based on lies. Don't know or care about all the details, but he gave me a glimpse of his coverup. I was talking to him one day this week and brought up his craigslist activites- he said that I always accused him of cheating anytime he ever looked at another woman. That I always checked up on him when he went out with friends. I stopped him right there and reminded him that I NEVER checked up on him because I trusted him and that's exactly why he was able to get away with cheating on me for NINE years. He has now convinced himself of his new lies. Same old story. Once he convinces himself, he will never budge. He's done it to me, I've witnessed him do it to his family and now he's doing it to this woman. 

These past couple of weeks he has hurt me a lot, but he also just proved to me that I was so right in my decision to leave his sorry a**. I got a good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling pretty good. I even finished hanging pictures in my apartment, which I had put on hold when I thought I might go back to him. It looks cute and makes me smile. I need a new screen name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Good for you. Don't falter on this later. Go ahead and divorce him. He doesn't sound like he's a prime catch anyway. Just think how much happier you will be down the line when you meet someone you deserve. Keep your eye's on the goal and don't look back.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> I got a good night's sleep last night and woke up feeling pretty good. I even finished hanging pictures in my apartment, which I had put on hold when I thought I might go back to him. It looks cute and makes me smile. I need a new screen name.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suggest LuvMyLife as a new screen name. But that's up to you. :smthumbup:

All I can say is... breathe the free air, keep looking forward. The best is yet to be.


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