# Thought it was over... now I'm not sure



## Ihavequestions (Jun 30, 2012)

To make a very long story much shorter...

After 6 years of marriage and a few years of trying to get my wife to stop drinking and seek help for depression, I moved out. For years there has either been arguing or silence, but not much else.

We had been in counseling for a little over 2 months... and every night that I came home from work was still spent trying to avoid an argument.

to her credit, she has been making large attempts to change some of her behavior. The drinking is less and she saw a few doctors that all diagnosed her with depression and started on medication a week ago.

The catalyst to the conseling and rapid changes in my wife came when she realized that I had become pretty good friends with a woman I work with. Nothing physical... just talking, laughing, and emailing. I'm sure plenty of people on this board will call it an emotional affair, but I doubt it was ever anything even close... at least it never was in my mind. 

When my wife said she was concerned about our friendship, I told her she was exaggerating. A little while later when I noticed how much difficulty it was giving her, I cut off the friendship.

It annoys me that I feel like she modified her behavior, not because of my years of begging her to. Instead it came because of another woman. Why wasn't 'our' happiness and our marriage important enough to make those changes before?

I was all but certain that after us being apart for the past month (but still going to counseling) that we were over... but we had coffee today and she was pleasent. 

It's hard to decide it's over.. it's even harder when you have so much doubt.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking for.. I'm just tired of the arguing and the way she handles conflict. I know she can be great for a cup of coffee, but I don't really want to move back in just to go through it again.

What if the medication is working?

What if she's drinking less or manages to stop?

Even if those are favorable, how long would it take us to actually be happy together again?

I don't know... does anyone have any thoughts they want to share.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

"how long would it take us to actually be happy together again?"
I don't think anyone will know the answer to this one. There are so many factors that can affect her recovery (if that is even what she wants) that really the only 'amount of time' that you can choose is how long you are willing to put into this process. 

I am an alcoholic although I am not drinking - currently. We are no fun to live with (I know!) and there is so much going on underneath the surface that it has to be so frustrating, maddening, etc. for the SO. If you are near your wits end with her, well, then you may be in for a disappointment because it is going to take a while for her to be happy with herself, much less with you. Really, she does need to sort out the problems that are wrong with herself too and not just your relationship. That in itself could open up a whole other box of worms. So I guess the real question is - how much time do you have?

Btw - I can understand how annoying it must be that she wasn't worried about working on your relationshoip until another woman came into the picture, but at least it shows that she does care for you, right? Anyway, you need to take care of yourself first. Hopefully then you can both work on the relationship together.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have faith. In yourself, foremost.

The drinking, depression, those are both treatable, if she wants to do so. Side affects of one another, as well. The drinking causes depression, and so it spirals. In some people, anyways.

I did read you said you didn't like how she handled conflict. That would be a bigger issue for me, personally. Whether or not she wants to learn other ways to deal with it. Especially if she was using drinking to numb life, instead of learning how to deal with stress, feelings, etc. 

Yeah, I live with a drinker. He is trying to stop. He is going to counselling. And AA. Our marriage is done. But maybe... just maybe.... all the aspects of his life will improve. And maybe he will be happy someday. 


Everyone has their own rock bottom. I wouldn't take it personally. 

I hesistate to say this... but if she is willing to change her life around, there is a possibility you won't be right for each other, after all that. She might be a different person. She might decide her happiness isn't with you, in the end. 

You have no way of knowing. All you know is today. I would say that she isn't even capable of answering that herself, until she finds out who she is. 

Please consider Al-Anon. It can be helpful.


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