# Trying to figure out our marriage and what to do



## Tiger86 (Apr 29, 2013)

I've been married for almost three years in an arranged marriage with my wife. We are both in our mid 20s and live in the United States. Our marriage has always been a struggle, and we've had some serious issues in the bedroom. There are good parts to our marriage too, of course, but its been a challenge overall. 

I've been the person who reaches out throughout our marriage. Who makes the effort in trying to make us closer, who plans things, who says I love you, etc. My wife, for whatever reason can't or won't do those things. She has her own ways of showing she cares, but its not the same. 

I've been unfaithful to her. More than once and with more than one woman. Off and on for the past two years. It sounds worse than it is, but I haven't been a good husband by any standard. My issue is what do I now? 

Divorce is a very difficult option, that might not even be possible. The only situations I've seen in our culture of divorce is in cases of physical abuse. It is not common. Maybe 5% divorce rate. 

I've wondered if I'm perhaps a sex-addict because I can't really figure out why I do what I do. Or maybe I'm just a *********? I don't know. I can go into more details if necessary. I would just like some advice, and thoughts into our situation.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tiger86 said:


> I've been married for almost three years in an arranged marriage with my wife. We are both in our mid 20s and live in the United States.





Tiger86 said:


> Divorce is a very difficult option, that might not even be possible. The only situations I've seen in our culture of divorce is in cases of physical abuse. It is not common. Maybe 5% divorce rate.


Forgive my ignorance but why is so difficult a divorce? Its a cultural issue or a legal issue?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Forgive my ignorance but why is so difficult a divorce? Its a cultural issue or a legal issue?


Living in the US, must be cultural. Same reason for having an arranged marriage. The divorce rate in the US last year for arranged marriages was only 5%. No one is that happy! A very old school type of marriage in the the US, must be tough. But I also thought that a certain amount of infidelity by the husband was kind of expected expected in this type of arrangement, kind of like in Victorian England.


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## Tiger86 (Apr 29, 2013)

The reasons against the divorce are much, much more cultural than legal. The reasons I would want a divorce would come down to one topic, sex, and I'm not sure that is divorce worthy. Certainly no in either of our families would think it to be. 

My wife is at least on paper a very, good wife. She is beautiful, keeps a great home, is an awesome cook, and I think she would be a great mother. She is trying more to care about me, and our primary issue is the disconnect on what we want sexually. She won't/can't initiate anything or show any excitement or enthusiasm and its very, very depressing/demoralizing. So I'm hesitant to move forward on a divorce, because I'm not sure. 

The second poster touched on this, but divorce is very, very uncommon. I can only think of a handful out of the hundreds of families I know that have had a divorce, and it was always for some type of abuse situation. Families really, really push against divorce, and both of ours would not want a divorce. 

Fair or unfair, there is a stigma attached to divorcees. Men and women, but worse for women. I don't want to put her in a worse situation than she should be in, and that bothers me. 

There is no expectation of infidelity from either party. Is cheating worse if its the woman.... of course, but I've never even heard of the concept that the man can cheat. Infidelity is not at all endorsed, for men or women. So what I've done is very wrong. Is it the worst thing in the world... probably not. Indians can be weird like that.... if I was unemployed, or a drug addict it would be much, much worse. But cheating is not acceptable either.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Tiger, I will be totally blunt and tell you that in my opinion, arranged marriages are not right. Nobody has the right to arrange your life. not your parents, not your perks, not your culture, not even your religion.
So ask yourself : do YOU want this marriage ? Focused on the good attributes that you listed about your wife, do YOU want to make it work ? Can YOU see forever with this woman?
If so, I suggest sex counseling and marriage counseling. Talk to your wife and see how SHE feels about being married to you. Not because it is imposed and expected, but because SHE wants. If you both freely choose to stay married, then you will work together. And stop cheating !!
If not, what's the point of this charrade? The world will not end if you divorce. Your folks will not instantly die of an indignation stroke. God will not strike you down with a thunder. At the very least, you'll feel liberated. Hell, this is YOUR life, and you only live ONCE ! Spend it with someone you love.


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

You said this..



Tiger86 said:


> I've been the person who reaches out throughout our marriage. Who makes the effort in trying to make us closer, who plans things, who says I love you, etc.


But you said this as well...



Tiger86 said:


> I've been unfaithful to her. More than once and with more than one woman. Off and on for the past two years. It sounds worse than it is, but I haven't been a good husband by any standard. My issue is what do I now?


So it is alright to say that you reach through out the marriage and makes effort to "make us closer" at the same time being unfaithful...

I smell a 180 degree of selfishness.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I'm very much in favour of making marriages work.

Arranged marriages can work, so it's not necessarily an issue (after all, how many love-match marriages don't work? neither way is a certainty.)

However, as Hotensia noted - this is YOUR life, and your wife's. Not you parents' and it's not them who appears to be trapped in a marriage that isn't working.

So, point 1 - stop worrying about what they (family/friends/cultural group) think. It's not their life.

Now that's out of the way, you need to concentrate on the people who do matter - you, and your wife.

Point 2 - stop having affairs. If you're married, sex is for your wife only - the adultery means to weaken by mixing in something else - you will not have a proper relationship with your wife if you're involved with other women. It just doesn't work that way. And the dishonesty can only hurt your relationship too.

Point 3 - work out what you want. If you want to be in the marriage, work out what has to change. If you don't, well, then you know what has to change.

I know it's easy to say - far easier than to do - but in principle, it's not difficult.

(In some cultures it's quietly accepted that people get married because they're told to, and then have relationships outside the marriage but discretely. I think this is poor way of doing things. I do not recommend it.)

So, think about what's best for the principles, you and your wife, and then make the necessary changes to achieve the change you (both) want.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I've known a few people who had arranged marriages. They can work, but you have to be committed to your culture and it's values.

You have mentioned she is a good wife in all respects but the bedroom. Coming from a very conservative culture, it's probable she is just not comfortable with her own sexuality. Feels it is shameful or disgusting. Can you talk openly about it at least? or does she avoid conversations about sex? If she avoids, see if you can find a sex therapist from your cultural background. Someone who can help you both negotiate a sexual relationship that can make both of you happy.

My wife was very shy sexually when we 1st met and wasn't really that open or available. Once she opened up to some things we really have a very satisfying sex life. Now that we are older, she has a higher drive than me even (sometimes I wish I could put the genie back into the bottle, but that's another story).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

What advice have you taken that you were given in April when you originally posted this same topic?

Have you continued to cheat?
Have you told your wife? Let her decide if she wants to be married to a cheater or not.


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## Tiger86 (Apr 29, 2013)

Arranged marriages can work, absolutely. I would caution anyone from reading too much into our situation... we are the exception, not the rule. 

The sex incompatibility is the one issue that I think everything comes back to. At first I didn't know better, so I was content. Then OW1 entered my life, and I realized that there were alternatives and women could enjoy sex, and that experience was so much more enjoyable. My wife is a very, very shy/reserved woman there, and she won't really ever show any type of interest. We are nearing on three years, and she has not once initiated sex herself. 



> What advice have you taken that you were given in April when you originally posted this same topic?
> 
> Have you continued to cheat?
> Have you told your wife? Let her decide if she wants to be married to a cheater or not.


The only advice I received in April was that I was a troll! Most of the comments accused me of lying, and there wasn't much advice. That was I deleted everything... it was immensely frustrating. 

I've talked to other women since then, but I haven't cheated again. I obviously haven't told my wife, and I can't imagine a situation in which I do tell my wife about the infidelity.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Have you considered taking your wife on a date once in a while to woo her?

Did she have boyfriend(s) before you?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well if you care at all about your marriage you will either stop immediately and seek counseling to make your marriage a better one or you will divorce her.

I do NOT think it is fair to not tell her the truth and what you are doing but it doesnt appear that you get that she has the right to decide if she wants to be married to a cheater or not.

It might be that she finds out you are cheating and she decides she doesnt want to be married and doesnt care about the cultural stigma attached to it, as long as she isnt wasting her life with a cheater.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Tiger86 said:


> I've been married for almost three years in an arranged marriage with my wife. We are both in our mid 20s and live in the United States. Our marriage has always been a struggle, and we've had some serious issues in the bedroom. There are good parts to our marriage too, of course, but its been a challenge overall.
> 
> I've been the person who reaches out throughout our marriage. Who makes the effort in trying to make us closer, who plans things, who says I love you, etc. My wife, for whatever reason can't or won't do those things. She has her own ways of showing she cares, but its not the same.
> 
> ...



No, you're unhappy and unsatisfied.


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