# Help please!



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

This will be a bit wordy and I am sorry for that!
Just some background first. I have been with my wife for 12 yrs, second marriage.
My wife likes to make people happy. She has done a lot of things for me over the years and we have had good times and bad time like all marriages. She suffers from severe depression as well, but is medicated and it seems to be under control. She sees a counselor as well.
Over the last couple of years we have been strained. She stopped making love to me and was a victim of child abuse. She stopped the love making after going on Zyprexa for her depression.
That put a strain on us, but we still had a fairly good time. We are great friends, love each others company and have been through a lot. We believe we are soul mates.
She has a thing for writing prisoners. A couple of years ago she started to write a death row inmate across the country. They started writing back and forth at least once per week.It made me jealous as hell. I finally couldn't take it any more and told her that it had to stop or the marriage would. She stopped, but honestly, I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Fast forward. She recently told me she was leaving. She had to clear her head and is going to travel the country to do it. I am not really ok with it, but she sited several issues and all the blame was on me. I am a control freak, won't let her have friends,and will do anything to make her unhappy according to her. I have been beating myself up and decided that some of my insecurities were a result of past issues. In 12 yrs, I have never found anything to indicate she was anything less the loyal to use and the marriage. Recently her counselor told her that she had every right to be happy and I shouldn't take that right away. We have been arguing about her leaving for the past month. Well, this morning I found out she is writing the jail mate again,behind my back. This guy is actually trying to become a woman.I didn't confront my wife,because we talked about it this weekend and she feels that he is not a threat to our marriage.I should let this happen because I care for her and it makes her happy. Am I being selfish? Is she right? She is leaving on May 28th. I suspect now to go to CA to visit this person. I guess my question is this, now that I know what is really going on, do I just let her do her thing and see if she comes back? Or do I confront her and tell her I know and let her leave all pissed off? I mean I feel like once she does this, then maybe I should confront her and let her know I know what is going on. Please help, I am the type of guy that reacts from the emotions and really don't want to make a wrong step here. I believe in our marriage and want to make it work.
Thanks


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Well, after 24 hours, I still feel that the best course of action will be to let it run it's course. I think she has been writing to this guy for at least 2 months prior to now. I really think or hope that even though she says he fills a void in her life, it is a small void compared to the one she will feel once her family is gone from her life. Also, she did quit her job which might be another void. These have been filled for her for years, so she probably isn't thinking about them as voids and maybe will after a little time out. I also think that her thing with the inmate has perpetuated to the point where she has to meet this person face to face. She has been leaving the door open to come back. It's like she HAS to do this thing, but knows I wouldn't approve, so at the moment she is leaving me to fulfill her fantasy, whatever that is.
Thanks for the response.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

She is in an emotional affair with this man. Please get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is a great book in terms of how incredibly detailed and specific it is. It helped me understand emotional affairs like nothing else.

On these boards I have noticed over time that there is a particularly challenging type of emotional affair--the one-sided affair. That is because it's unrequited--she cannot ever be with him.

Emotional affairs are very powerful fantasies. They fulfill needs in the cheating spouse. Because she is cheating on you. She is sharing her innermost feelings with him, and not with you, and she's been doing this for quite some time. As time passes, you will find that she is changing but you are just an observer of these changes, you can't understand them because you cannot get inside her head. She is reserving all of that for him. This is a profound betrayal of a marriage, some people would say the most profound one that there is.

Unrequited emotional affairs are the most powerful fantasies of all. They are escapes from reality that the cheating spouse thoroughly enjoys. The woman next door takes a valium when she needs to cope (inappropriately) your wife writes letters. In my opinion, these one-sided relationships create an obsessiveness that is extremely difficult to break--and that is for the AVERAGE person who has NO discernable mental health issues.

With a true two-sided EA, the answer is to torpedo the fantasy. But you have a truly difficult situation here. As far as I know the prison is not allowed to stop the prisoner from sending mail (unless it is furthering criminal activity). If you are willing to let it go and run its course, and you are willing to wait for her, that is certainly an option. Working on yourself and preparing yourself for life without her is what I'd do in the meantime. It's entirely possible that she will come to understand the hopelessness of pining away for a death row inmate--particularly someone who is transgender(!).

But that is NOT what I would do, if I were you.

*May I ask, where is she getting the money to travel to California?
Where does she get the money to support herself when she is not with you?*

I find the comments from her counselor very disturbing--supporting a married woman's unhealthy obsession with a DEATH ROW INMATE seems like malpractice to me.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

I believe the counselor has no real idea what is happening. It's a one sided discussion in my opinion with my wife claiming I am this control freak who won't let her have friends. When she was writing to this guy previously I told her counselor and she advised me this was a dangerous thing for her to do. I believe my wife is lying out right or not being completely honest with her counselor. She will not see this woman again before she leaves.
Her father is giving her money to travel. He is of the mind set that his daughter is no longer happy with me and she needs to be happy. If this will make her happy, then he is all for it. No support from him at all.
She is planning on coming back to the area after she "clears her head" because she wants to be able to take care of her father.
I just don't know if I should confront her before she leaves or wait until she wants to come back if ever.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow, she has a lot of enablers. That is really sad.

I would write a letter to her counselor and outline in detail everything there is to know. Your counselor will be able to see that you only want the best for her. I mean, you are willing to let her go and find herself, and that is beyond generous, most spouses would not tolerate that in the least. Appeal to the counselor to intervene. The counselor cannot give proper advice if their client is lying to them.

And let me say, what an enormous red flag it is to lie to a therapist. Therapy is a safe place where you can tell someone anything and they have a legal obligation not to disclose those communications except in case of imminent harm. You've already said that she has mental illness--your counselor needs to know that she is being fooled and being prevented from giving proper treatment. The counselor has been kept in the dark of the gravity of her mental illness.

And I would hand deliver that letter to the therapist ASAP.

Does the father know these details? Have the therapist write a letter to the father if the therapist will help you intervene.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Milo,

I can't even begin to tell you what to do with this one. However, I will point out that she is completely being disrespectful to you and your marriage by carrying on this EA. Does her father know about the con?

I'm sorry but I would have her served with divorce papers BEFORE she got on that plane. Maybe that would wake her up. Remeber, even if you serve her, you do not have to go all the way through the process and divorce her. It can be stopped at any time up until the final decree.

You should seek counsel from a lawyer right away about your situation. Personally, I would remove her name from any joint credit cards you share and also remove her name from any joint bank accounts. Take half the money in any of the accounts and put it into accounts with just your name on them so she can't draw from them to fund her EA. However, check with a lawyer ASAP to be sure this is legal (I believe it is)

All your future paychecks should go into your own account(s) for now (since she isn't working or contributing to household expenses) but depending on how this plays out, you could wind up owing her something.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Her enablers have killed our relationship at this point. They seem to believe I am this evil man trying to control my wife. I really only want to save my marriage.
I suspect her father may not know, but if I tell him, he will just run it to her and then she will leave pissed off because I am not "trusting" her. That has been her argument all along. It's really just by chance I found out the info I did. I honestly think she set me up to see if I would snoop. We talked in great detail about this guy this weekend and she assured me it was nothing more then friendship. She even calls him a she. How can she even be serious about this? Blows my mind.
I have a call into the Dr and the Therapist, hopefully they will return my call. She does have an appointment with her Dr for the 23rd, so maybe they can do something. Just seems pretty hopeless at this point.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Okay, you need to expose this emotional affair to others, including her dad.

This I do not understand: her dad thinks you're the bad guy, you refuse to tell him his daughter is TRAVELLING TO CALIFORNIA TO INTERACT WITH A DEATH ROW TRANSGENDER INMATE, so he is happily funding her trip.

Yes, your wife will be furious that you snooped and found out.

Guess what????? When a husband suspects his wife is continuing outrageously inappropriate contact with a DEATH ROW INMATE, he finds out EVERYTHING HE CAN in order to stop it!

If you just don't feel like stopping her, then don't. But if you truly want to save the marriage, you are going to have to brave her anger. You are going to have to out her to her immediate family and her therapist.

You are ALREADY losing her. She is ALREADY gone. You are hoping she will wise up and come back. So that she can do what? Find ANOTHER transgender death row inmate for ANOTHER emotional affair?

Or how about this. She is profoundly depressed. She goes to California and realizes what a stupid *** she is for trying to make a go of it with a death row prisoner. One scenario: she comes back home to you. Another scenario: she become even more depressed, and tries to harm herself.

I just don't see how you think you can save the marriage--under these particular circumstances--by just letting her go without any fight.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Thanks so much. The words of encouragement actually help me do what I need to do. I am going to speak with her father and also her counselor and Psychiatrist, actually waiting for calls from both of them. 
Anything else I can do? The house is in her name, the bank account is joint and we have an online business that she is going to transfer over to me.
How will exposing her help me in your honest opinion?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

milo1 said:


> Thanks so much. The words of encouragement actually help me do what I need to do. I am going to speak with her father and also her counselor and Psychiatrist, actually waiting for calls from both of them.
> Anything else I can do? The house is in her name, the bank account is joint and we have an online business that she is going to transfer over to me.
> How will exposing her help me in your honest opinion?


First of all, if she has no money, how can she go anywhere at all? Right there you stop the trip dead in its tracks. Get her dad to cancel the reservation and work to get a refund. Or, if she bought the tickets with cash, cut up your joint credit cards and close the joint account so she has no money for food, hotel, etc.

I suppose one thing at a time--get her to transfer the business before she leaves. Check with a lawyer about the house, her having title but you being married may have little legal effect--but ask a lawyer first. Get your name on the title if you think she's amenable so that is one less thing to worry about.

The real question is, how does her going to California while lying to her dad and therapist about it (the therapist who is treating her for serious depression) to pursue an obsession with a transgender death row inmate HELP you?


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Good points indeed  The real question is do I confront her with the info or just tell everyone else and let them handle it?
Also, she is driving, he is giving her cash.
Lastly,see, I am an emotional person and react off the emotion. I have been warned by HER Dr, in fact, my sons also see the same Dr, and when I told her that my wife asked me for a divorce while we were on our second honeymoon, she said I was to reactive.... I am puzzled with what to do because I don't want to over react! I guess really there is no over reacting to this. Either way I am likely to lose her. This has been going on for a month and i guess I am just a train wreck. Now that I have proof I can see through the smoke and mirrors and realize she is just lashing out with whatever she can come up with.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If your problem is reacting with emotion, then you need to try to not make decisions based on emotion. You need to have more confidence in yourself and not second-guess yourself. 

When you talk to the therapist, take deep breaths. Explain the situation as if you were discussing someone you didn't know. A distant cousin. A client. A customer. You do not want the therapist to discard what you say because you are crying, you're shouting, you are talking rapidly or too loudly.

that was why I recommended hand-delivering a letter to the office. And writing the letter very very carefully, checking it over for mistakes, making sure it is sane and calm and matter-of-fact. Just the facts. Not how you feel, not how she's destroying the marriage, not what a bad person she is. Clinical facts.

Same with her dad and mom and siblings. They really need to know. If they think she's better off with a death row inmate than she is with you, then what they'll do next is come kidnap her and personally escort her to California. There isn't a lot you can do about that.

When she expresses anger to you about snooping, you say, calmly, without emotion--I love you, but you have lied to me. Your relationship with this prisoner is a betrayal of our marriage. You have to choose, rigth now, him or me. But you have this conversation AFTER the dad cuts off the funding and the therapist calls her on the carpet for lying about the death row inmate (and who knows what else!).

edited to say, and after you've sorted out your financial situation to protect yourself and to prevent inadvertently financially supporting her affair.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pull every bit of financial support out from under her. That means car insurance, cash, food etc.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Ok, so I dug a little deeper and she has been up to this since march. This explains a lot about how we went from "lets renew our vows" to "I want a divorce" To me.
There are letters that she has typed at work and sent to her home email. 43 of them to be exact. I cannot read them all. It is killing me to even find them, however, I am going to use them as proof to these people. Thank you for all your advise.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

One more thing, do you think I should tell her to move now? Come get her stuff and get out?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Expose the affair to her family and her counselor. Exposing helps you because it restores your dignity and it points out to her enablers that she is in an unhealthy place. And it just may save your marriage.

Remove all sources of income she hasn't herself earned; put that all away where the lawyer/judge can determine who gets it. If she wants to fund her trip to continue her affair, let her.

Say nothing more to her except this: "When you are ready to commit to NC with this man or any other affair partner, let me know - I MAY still be interested. Until then, I have nothing to say to you." And walk away. Do NOT engage with her on ANY level unless she tells you she's done cheating. This will help you with your reactiveness. Leave the room, the house, the city, whatever, if she tries to talk you into agreeing. NEVER agree to let a cheater cheat.

Do NOT move out of your house no matter what. If she's unhappy, SHE can move.

He's becoming a she...yeah right. I thought I'd heard them all. 

My mother used to run the hospital at our state's biggest prison. The stories she would tell would curl your toes. This guy found a stupid, gullible, messed up woman who he can play with (seeing how he has nothing ELSE to do) and see how far he can string her along. People in prisons are bad people. They are there for a reason - starting with lacking compassion for anyone else, and being willing to USE anyone they can use.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

milo1 said:


> One more thing, do you think I should tell her to move now? Come get her stuff and get out?


I would. Pack it up for her; tell her it's on the driveway and you've called Purple Heart to come out on Thursday to collect what hasn't been taken. Make her earn you back (if it ever comes to that). THEN you can become the helpful, loving, attentive man again. For now, you are fighting an addiction and using tough love as you're supposed to do.

You have one requirement only: NO other man in your life. It's as simple as that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OH, and send her dad all her emails.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

milo1 said:


> One more thing, do you think I should tell her to move now? Come get her stuff and get out?


First cut off her access to joint CC and cash.

Out her to family and others.

then call her.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

milo1 said:


> Ok, so I dug a little deeper and she has been up to this since march. This explains a lot about how we went from "lets renew our vows" to "I want a divorce" To me.
> There are letters that she has typed at work and sent to her home email. 43 of them to be exact. I cannot read them all. It is killing me to even find them, however, I am going to use them as proof to these people. Thank you for all your advise.


The fantasy of such an obsessive emotional affair is very powerful. Never underestimate it. Cheating spouses lie to the ends of the earth to protect it. I had not yet heard of lying to one's therapist to accomplish that, but you read enough threads and you will eventually hear it all.

She sounds very willing to lie about you up one side and down the other. It is good that you are able to collect hard proof.

turnera's point is very well-taken: the only person you can trust less than your wife right now is the death row inmate. Prisoners primarily seek cash and help from the outside to smuggle things in, or to do their bidding in the world outside prison. Death row inmates aren't allowed conjugal visits and are much more restricted than average prisoners, so the question is, what benefits does he derive from this. Perhaps introducing her to people outside prison, or funding his appeal, or some other nefarious purpose.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I really don't see a happy ending, but this is so off the wall, she should probably be in the hospital right now.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Cut off the cash. I bet the inmate asks her to fund his "procedure", and I bet he's not having one.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Agreed. Oh, and very important - make a prediction to her before she goes, that he is going to hit her up for money. Once she gets there, and he does, she's going to feel like a fool.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Hi all,
Just a quick update. got my half of the cash out of the bank. We have no credit cards or any other joint accounts. Realized this had been going on at least the last 6 months. Told her to leave. Had her stuff packed including her cat! She was pissed! She did come in and get some more stuff, but gave me very little trouble leaving. Way less then i thought. I actually feel liberated. She has spent the last month beating me down. So this felt ok. 
Talked to her father in length and told him the real deal. He is very concerned so hopefully he will do the right thing here. He does know how much I love her, I have told him more then once.
Also, told her counselor and will bring the love notes to her in the morning.The counselor asked me not to divorce her just yet because they feel they misdiagnosed her and she is bi polar. Not sure really if anything will break the spell and don't think i want her back now.This thing has her all twisted up. She sat for a while and looked at the property. I told her that she is giving it up for someone who can give her NOTHING. She has already opened a separate account and has been sending it money. She is in hook, line and sinker. Didn't realize just how deep. I realize that I love her, but I can't save her. She is going to have to learn the hard way.She tried everything to maintain control of the situation and nothing worked. She is pushing my buttons and that isn't working either. Going to be a long road, but I appreciate the advise to make the first step.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sound like a great person. You will be fine.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow, way to find a backbone! Good for you! 

I'm glad her dad was willing to listen.

Get a lawyer to see if you can freeze that bank account she created. I seriously doubt from what you've said that this is her money (unless it was a gift from her dad) and she's not allowed to abscond with marital assets. If the money was a gift from her dad, see if he can help intervene.

Maybe her dad can temporarily become her guardian if he needs a way to prevent her from travelling based on mental incompetency. It will of course tick her off, but better him than you.

That noise you hear in the background are those therapists SCRAMBLING to cover their butts.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

lol, yeah, you should of heard her when she spoke to me. All kinds of we never knew,we can only work with what the clients tell us sort of stuff. Pretty obvious she was clueless.
I sent the letters to some of her buddies at work to. They know I used to send her flowers and things like that at work all the time just so she would feel special.
Now they know I am not the monster she created in her head.
She did call me a monster, and I laughed at her. I am a monster, yet you are all ga ga over a guy that murdered 2 people in cold blood and manipulated 3 others to help and now wants to be a woman???? PLEASE


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

milo1 said:


> Good points indeed  The real question is do I confront her with the info or just tell everyone else and let them handle it?
> Also, she is driving, he is giving her cash.
> Lastly,see, I am an emotional person and react off the emotion. I have been warned by HER Dr, in fact, my sons also see the same Dr, and when I told her that my wife asked me for a divorce while we were on our second honeymoon, she said I was to reactive.... I am puzzled with what to do because I don't want to over react! I guess really there is no over reacting to this. Either way I am likely to lose her. This has been going on for a month and i guess I am just a train wreck. Now that I have proof I can see through the smoke and mirrors and realize she is just lashing out with whatever she can come up with.


If her father knows that she's going to see some inmate, her father might withhold the cash.

What she is doing is really dangerous. How much of their correspondance have you read? What is this guy in prison for?


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

I have not read much. I am not in the mood to hurt myself. They are in love..lol. He is in prison and 3 co defendants for killing a husband and wife. Pushed them off a boat, with the anchor chained to them and duct taped together.Now he is wanting a sex change operation. In fact the wife calls him a she. I call him it.He is on death row in san quinten 
I tried to explain to her that if I had nothing but time and didn't have to be responsible for my actions, I could blow smoke up her butt all day long as well.
She isn't listening


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

milo1 said:


> I have not read much. I am not in the mood to hurt myself. They are in love..lol.


So...now your wife is a lesbian?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It only takes 5 seconds to find that inmate. It is a very famous case. Apparently his lies about being a hermaphrodite are quite well-known, it was part of his con since before the murder you reference. The case is the subject of the book and movie, Dead Reckoning.

You will pardon me--but one thing that happens on these forums from time to time is that people pose as betrayed spouses when in reality they are "trolls." So you'll have to forgive me if this makes me doubt your story, in the sense that it strains credulity a bit. Not because your wife couldn't have done all these things, but because it is somewhat similar to other stories circulating affair forums.

This case is so high profile. Just how did your wife ever get in touch with someone like this?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Say what?!


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

She saw his story on a crime show, she watches crime non stop. When they said he had been abandon by everyone except his counsel, she decided to write. Only takes ten minutes to get the info and she was off and running.After about 6 months of them writing back and forth I had spoke with her counselor and she told me that it wasn't good for her. DUH, I knew that. Came a point where I told her it was him or me. She chose me. That was last September time frame. Near as I could tell, she set up a PO box by December and was in fantasy land. I can assure you this is way to real and to bizarre to make up.
At the time I told her she was being manipulated. In one month she gave him the phone number because "he was blue and having silly thoughts" and she felt she should be there for her friend. He is playing her like a violin, and i am sure with every little gripe she had, he was able to work her to this point.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jesus Christ. Just let the sick woman go.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry milo. Certainly at any given moment there are probably hundreds of people out there, if not more, being suckered by inmates.

My main mission if I were you would be to shut down every avenue to prevent her from helping out a murderer financially. It's not even her money anyhow.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

She is gone as of tonight. Will see what happens, but I am sure I will never trust her again.I do love her, but even love has limits and i have reached mine.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

How does she call him? Does she have a cellphone that you pay for? I would cancel that phone if I were you, or at least block the prison phone number and his email address and anything else you can block.


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

She went out and got her own cell phone. She set it up with some program that i can't remember so it could call her or she could call it. I am not sure, but I am not responsible for it. He has no email that I am aware of. I actually blocked collect calls on the home phone back in August of last year. Within one month of him writing to her, he had her all twisted up.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Do you have any plans for blocking her use of that new bank account?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you notified the prison system that she is your wife, under a therapists care, and not quite all there?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you notified the prison system that she is your wife, under a therapists care, and not quite all there?


good call (shaggy you always have good calls!)

Look at this page for San Quentin. In the lower right-hand corner is a PDF of the visitor's guidelines. At the very end are guideline for mail and telephone calls but I didn't see anything super helpful. It just confirms what I already knew, which is that you can't really to anything to obstruct mail to and from a prisoner that doesn't pertain to crimes or escaping. It does explain their phone call procedure but I don't see a way to prevent those either. Still, it can't hurt to contact them and see what they have to say.
CDCR - San Quentin State Prison (SQ) - Home Page/Mission Statement


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

I will not block the new account. I don't know where it is and I am not a part of it. I will no longer use our joint checking, so my money won't be going into it.
I tried to contact the prison system back in August and wasn't able to get through to anyone. However, I may contact the prosecutor or something. Busy day today with all this and I hadn't know about any of this until yesterday, so I will be working on it and appreciate all your help folks!


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Honestly, I am really not sure what I am going to do. Not sure she is worth the effort. She is going to fight this tooth and nail. I really think the only chance for me is a possible slap in the face for her when she realizes or if she realizes what she has done to her life. I have to handle my life and take care of my sons. I am also going to counseling to get some assistance.
Really can't wait to see my counselor again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She may not be worth the effort, but it's worth YOUR effort to not have your name associated with anything she does. Spend a few minutes and find the state lawyers associated with the prison. Contact THEM.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> She may not be worth the effort, but it's worth YOUR effort to not have your name associated with anything she does. Spend a few minutes and find the state lawyers associated with the prison. Contact THEM.


Not sure if this link works or not, but I found this article (from Australia) that helps psychologists figure out if someone is suited to work in a correctional institution--or not--because they might or might not be vulnerable to manipulation by criminal offenders. If nothing else, it makes for a fascinating read, it's pretty thorough and long.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:klTje75Zui0J:www.bfcsa.nsw.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0010/223759/Guarding-against-Manipulation-by-Criminal-Offenders.pdf+what+to+do+if+a+loved+one+is+being+conned+by+a+prisoner&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESgsgDz1Plcn2tEUtDkxxyy_mLKgJqsglcCtUxo64Memgm2SufBy4M6cNZBOy9IvUAE8iiXCe-cd4ApeLMujlCEGR8uAIlyhPcVNACR5wEHsMdRToUspUbXrnT4QtPkfM7yvTgVj&sig=AHIEtbRowL4cmoZBJc4EWarKsiqmIQy1lg

it comes from this website
Brush Farm - Corrective Services Academy


I also forgot to mention--in the San Quentin doc I linked above, it explains the very complicated / lengthy application process someone has to go through to visit a prisoner there face-to-face. If NOTHING ELSE, a letter to San Quentin could head off her ability to ever meet him in person. Because he is a con man, meeting in person (which would disgust you and I) would likely reinforce her attachment to him, because he could bring to bear the full extent of his manipulative powers.

Well, keep us updated--take good care of your children, they need you more than ever.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would contact the prison so she can't get in to see him if for no other reason than (1)to protect your sons from the publicity that will occur when (not if) this comes out in the press and (2) to keep any of YOUR (and your sons') money from being drained by this creep.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Plus--this particular prisoner is in jail for murder, but he is a very well-known con artist. All of this will carry more weight if the therapist intervenes, too. Heck, make them do the dirty work!


----------



## milo1 (May 14, 2012)

Just thought I would update you all. I sent her packing on Tuesday night. She didn't see that coming! Got a separate bank account and set everything up. She is now with her father. Sent me an email told me not to call, text or email her. Then Wednesday morning, she was texting me by 6:30 am. No apologies, nothing, more like picking a fight with me. I am not sure what it was all about. But she badgered me with text and email all day yesterday. I am pretty sure I was the safety net if it didn't work in CA with the freak. I really don't know what to make of all of that.I think maybe she is still thinking I am trying to save the marriage, which I am not. I don't see ever trusting her again.She is To good at lying, acting and hiding the truth.It's hard to believe the last 6 months have been nothing but a lie. My sons are hurting as well. So, Just going to move forward and save myself and them. There is no saving her from herself. I love her, but even love has limits.
Thanks for all your advise!


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

If I could do it all over again, I would get an MD degree then go into psychology purely to study this phenomena. FASCINATING!

Oh, she's gone. Let her go. Sorry, and good luck to you.

WOW. He's creepy. He already sounds like a woman.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Milo,

Did she supply him with a cell phone?


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Toffer said:


> Milo,
> 
> Did she supply him with a cell phone?



I'm guessing it's next to impossible to keep a cell phone hidden on San Quentin's death row.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job, milo. She's not marriage OR mother material right now, and she needs to clean up her mess. She needs to hit rock bottom. Yesterday is proof she thinks she can continue to use the games she's used all along, and you have now shown her that you learned and will not let it happen again.

GAL, keep busy, showed your boys with love and attention, ask them to talk to you all the time (about anything; grease the wheels so they're comfortable talking; I like going on walks for that), and act as though you are divorced. You don't have to do anything right now except to let a lawyer know what's going on and have him do anything he needs to do to protect your assets and your access to your sons.

Wait it out. She'll hit rock bottom eventually, especially with such a wacky situation. But her need to help people is a deep deep deep core issue with her, and she will never be marriage material again until she addresses that in intense therapy.

You can always get together a year or two down the road, after she's fixed herself and grown up.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry, milo. 

I know that you probably put your wife in a separate category from the average spouse who betrays their marriage (because of her bizarre choice of "partner"), but the truth is that all cheaters, even people with no history of mental illness, lie to their spouses. The reason lying is so evil is that the more you do it, the easier it gets, until it becomes a way of life.

My husband entered into a long-term emotional affair with a woman and he fooled me very well--not only before I discovered the affair, but for years afterward when I thought the affair was over. It is very hard to overcome a profound betrayal of trust, but it is possible.

I don't mention that to you as an example to follow, however; more just to help you know you are far from alone in having the wool pulled over your eyes.

Maybe she does deserve her own category, however, in her choice to fool her therapist. Why she would cheat herself out of mental health is just another sign of how very lost she is, I guess.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Milo,
> 
> Did she supply him with a cell phone?


If you're curious, take a look at the link I posted above at the San Quentin guidelines for communicating with prisoners. He is allowed a set number of collect calls to the outside world for x period of time (15 minutes, I think) over x period of time. He is also allowed to send snail mail.

I still think that the OP could probably get a prosecutor to intervene and find that this man is continuing to conduct fraud from prison--he is in prison for murder but if you look him up his primary vocation was an extremely manipulative con artist. The fact that OP's wife has documented mental health issues, and the therapist admits to a misdiagnosis, is all enough to get something going. But I gather what she's done is lied about the OP to anyone who will listen all the time that he's tried to help, and then he's recently discovered that she lied about the depth and extent of her contact during the last 6 mos--and so he is done.


----------

