# HATE My Rings



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Long story short....

My now husband and I were engaged and to be married in November 2009. 10 days before our wedding day, he calls it off. No more wedding. No marriage.

We split as you can imagine.

In October 2010, we got back together...and in November 2011 he randomly without a ring proposed to me. I, with hesitation asked for some time to answer.and the following day told him yes. This time around I wasn't planning a wedding..I didn't want a wedding...or anything like a wedding. So 2 weeks later a family friend (notary) married us. We signed the papers and that was that.

Now with the rings. I was definitely not going to wear my previous engagement ring...it has so much negativity floating around it.

I sold our marriage bands that we never wore shortly after we split up.

I didn't care about rings. I told my husband that we will get cheap ones now and get better ones when we can afford it.

I know he felt bad...and he must of spoken to his mother about the ring and financial situation. He actually spoke to her about proposing to me again before he did it.

I love my mother in law. She has been there for me for anything and everything.

I don't know if she felt guilt for what her son had done to me. Not just walking away..but for his behavior following the split. (We had a child before we were married and he basically went absent as a father for a while).

For whatever reason, she went out and bought us rings. She said that she was more then happy to participate in something that was going to be on my finger forever.

My rings are beautiful. I love them materialistic wise. (Ill post a picture). They're even nicer then my original rings.

I MORE then appreciate everything my MIL has done. But I hate to look at these rings on my finger. I hate that they came from my MIL and not my husband. They have zero sentimental value to me. If I lost one, I would not be devastated.

The conversation came up and I told my husband how I feel and that these rings are just rings and they hold no sentimental value to me. I said that in the future, I would like him to get me rings. Not today, not tomorrow...even 10 years from now. He responded to me that I was ungrateful. 

I know this is so stupid and they're just rings...but this really bothered me that he responded like that. And now I hate the rings even more. 

Sorry...I needed to get that off my chest.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi ANO that is a pretty ring for what it is worth anyway when me and my wife first got married we had simple rings that were silver which is her favorite type of jewelry or white gold if you will, and i told her that one day when we could afford it I would buy her the ring that she wanted fast forward 8 yrs later on valentines day I took her to the local mall and we went to jewelry store and she kepted saying what are we doing i said come on i ll show ya anyway we went to Kay and I said pick out what ever you want she said oh you dont have to do that I said well i want to and we can afford it plus I am a man of my word anyway she picked a very nice set and she wears them basically never taking them off except for when she is in surgury as she is a RN anyway afterwards i took her to her favorite restraurant here we are just celebrated 12 yrs of Marriage and she talks about that day her eyes light up and she is so beautiful thats my experience


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Yeah, completely sympathise with you here. Felt devastated when I lost my wedding band, not because it was a heavy platinum ring worth over £2000, but because it was the ring my wife gave me. 

...well maybe a little bit because it's a platinum ring worth over £2000, but mostly the sentimental thing!

At the same time, I also get why your husband might not react so well to the complaint. Tough one, one of those things you might just have to accept!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He doesn't get it, and neither did I, when I was young. My wife never liked her ring because I picked it with someone else, not her. She never wore the stone until we went to the jeweler and changed it to something she wanted. It hasn't left her finger since. 
Get them reset to something you want. You chose your own setting and design. Or sell it and buy another. How would that work?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I guess it would be a terrible idea to not wear them? 

Why is something so stupid and materialistic driving me nuts?!


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi ANO that is a pretty ring for what it is worth anyway when me and my wife first got married we had simple rings that were silver which is her favorite type of jewelry or white gold if you will, and i told her that one day when we could afford it I would buy her the ring that she wanted fast forward 8 yrs later on valentines day I took her to the local mall and we went to jewelry store and she kepted saying what are we doing i said come on i ll show ya anyway we went to Kay and I said pick out what ever you want she said oh you dont have to do that I said well i want to and we can afford it plus I am a man of my word anyway she picked a very nice set and she wears them basically never taking them off except for when she is in surgury as she is a RN anyway afterwards i took her to her favorite restraurant here we are just celebrated 12 yrs of Marriage and she talks about that day her eyes light up and she is so beautiful thats my experience


This is such a beautiful story. <3


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> He doesn't get it, and neither did I, when I was young. My wife never like her ring because I picked it with someone else, not her. She never wore the stone until we went to the jeweler and changed it to something she wanted. It hasn't left her finger since.
> Get them reset to something you want. You chose your own setting and design. Or sell it and buy another. How would that work?


I've brought up selling it. He COMPLETELY ignores the question and changes the subject.

Still I think selling it and buying another wouldn't make me happy. 

Its not the stone or the setting that I hate. I hate that it didn't come from him. I want it to come from him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How's the marriage? I think it's better to focus on that rather than some rings on your finger.



> I've brought up selling it. He COMPLETELY ignores the question and changes the subject.


Maybe he's thinking like the above... the marriage itself is more important than the rings?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ano said:


> I've brought up selling it. He COMPLETELY ignores the question and changes the subject.
> 
> Still I think selling it and buying another wouldn't make me happy.
> 
> Its not the stone or the setting that I hate. I hate that it didn't come from him. I want it to come from him.


Years later she told me she was disappointed about the ring, that I included a friend and not her. That's when I understood. That's why we went together and changed it. 

I'd say if he doesn't get it there is more wrong, with the way he sees things, than the ring. IMHO


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> How's the marriage? I think it's better to focus on that rather than some rings on your finger.


I know. I know. I agree with you.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Years later she told me she was disappointed about the ring, that I included a friend and not her. That's when I understood. That's why we went together and changed it.


Isn't that how it's usually done though? As in how you initially did it?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> How's the marriage? I think it's better to focus on that rather than some rings on your finger.
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe he's thinking like the above... the marriage itself is more important than the rings?


:iagree:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi ANO that is a pretty ring for what it is worth anyway when me and my wife first got married we had simple rings that were silver which is her favorite type of jewelry or white gold if you will, and i told her that one day when we could afford it I would buy her the ring that she wanted fast forward 8 yrs later on valentines day I took her to the local mall and we went to jewelry store and she kepted saying what are we doing i said come on i ll show ya anyway we went to Kay and I said pick out what ever you want she said oh you dont have to do that I said well i want to and we can afford it plus I am a man of my word anyway she picked a very nice set and she wears them basically never taking them off except for when she is in surgury as she is a RN anyway afterwards i took her to her favorite restraurant here we are just celebrated 12 yrs of Marriage and she talks about that day her eyes light up and she is so beautiful thats my experience


ITW, I love that story!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Maybe talk to him about why it doesn't bother him about his own ring... what is his line of thinking on it? She bought his too correct?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

alton said:


> Isn't that how it's usually done though? As in how you initially did it?


I thought so. But it was the friend I went with, long story from 40 years ago...

The point in it all...she's happy then I'm happy


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I think had he reacted differently, you'd be ok with it. Had he said out of love his mom wanted you to have something nice and he will replace them in the future, you'd feel fine. Now these rings represent 'him not getting it' and having a d!ckish response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> I think had he reacted differently, you'd be ok with it. Had he said out of love his mom wanted you to have something nice and he will replace them in the future, you'd feel fine. Now these rings represent 'him not getting it' and having a d!ckish response.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly!  Id prefer to not wear any at this point then to wear these. But I don't think he'd be happy if I didn't wear them.

The issue is his response...rather then the rings themselves.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think he was honest. What you expected didn't happen because maybe your rejection of the gift from his mother hurt his feelings.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What if for your 10th anniversary he added a third band? How would you feel about that??


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I'm sorry- as a man, I suppose that I "just don't get it'," as well (altho' I really reject that line of thought- but whatever).

And that's coming from someone with a big place in his heart for material things with sentimental value.

There must be something else eating you up besides this situation- to my way of thinking, it's an odd thing to hold resentment over. I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted... but I don't know that he's the black hat in this matter.

Just my two cents.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I'm sorry- as a man, I suppose that I "just don't get it'," as well (altho' I really reject that line of thought- but whatever).
> 
> And that's coming from someone with a big place in his heart for material things with sentimental value.
> 
> ...


I'm not a man, and I love pretty shiny things... but I don't get this one either.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It seems really ungracious to me. maybe there's something I'm just not seeing, but I must admit that I'm a little tiny bit appalled by this one. I presume that it's just my reading of the surface facts or something' or that we're missing a vital piece of info that puts this all in context.

Perhaps the OP was trampled by a giant ring as a child and has an aversion to mothers-in-law or somthing? 

OP, for goodness' sake, just love your husband and don't expect him to read your mind. In taking what you've perceived as an insult of sorts, you have done some insulting yourself. There's worse things in life than this.

Also?

Please, please don't suggest that you sell the rings the MIL bought you again. Very bad form.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm a man and I totally get it. A ring is a sign of love and devotion from the giver to the spouse. In this case, the giver is the MIL. It does not represent the husband's love or devotion, now does it?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As a man, whom usually has no clue, I will take a stab at this - whether the ring is big and shiny, or old and dull, no matter what the W's material preference there must be some sort of romantic story about obtaining the ring?! right? I mean a fairy tale is good, or atleast something you can put a fairytale spin on, but when its something like "his mother bought the ring cause he was not cluing in" it kills any heartfelt feeling behind the ring.

It seems to me what wedding rings really tend to symbolize is the romance behind the propsal and the lifelong committment that ensues. Which is why so many are attached to the one ring and why there is so much pressure on a guy to get it right the first time. Like in ITW's story, to me it means the relationship has matured into something more meaningful when you can renew the symbolization behind the jewellry.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

dormant said:


> I'm a man and I totally get it. A ring is a sign of love and devotion from the giver to the spouse. In this case, the giver is the MIL. It does not represent the husband's love or devotion, now does it?


Yes. This is how it makes me feel.

And I guess after everything he put myself and our son through...I feel like he got off easy in this one...and from how he responsed..it seems like he doesn't plan on making an effort to fix it. And that bothers me.

His mommy picked up his mess for him once again.

I am grateful for my MIL. I am closer with her then my own mother. I just feel like she should of stayed out of this one.

I know she was only trying to help. I know she blamed herself for all the crap her son did to me. She poured her heart out to me asking where she went wrong in raising him as his actions after calling off the wedding affected her just as bad as it affected me.

I couldn't reject her gifts to us. Though I really should have.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In my opinion, the different types of replies in this thread only demonstrate how two different people can view a seemingly simple situation with opposing, but equally valid points. What I'm getting at is that your husband might not understand the meaning of a ring to you. I don't know if it would be fair to blame him for this, but as a husband, he should be working to better understand you going forward, just like you try to understand him. I don't think its right to suggest that you should just be grateful. Instead, patiently try to help him understand that you would cherish a ring that symbolized his own devotion to you, and while you appreciate your MIL's gift, maybe the two of you can decide together what to do.

If it helps, as a man, I learned what my wife really wanted in the way of a ring. To her, it wasn't about the size or value - it was something that I had put something of myself into. I was struggling at the time I proposed, and saved for months, working with her uncle, a jeweler, to find the most perfect clarity of stone that I could for the money. The band came from gold that I had given the uncle after my wife had picked out a setting. After marriage, I began putting a few dollars aside here and there, and we eventually added a band that surrounded the ring, with additional diamonds. Many people had larger rings, but my wife saw something of me and my devotion in the ring.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Lon said:


> As a man, whom usually has no clue, I will take a stab at this - whether the ring is big and shiny, or old and dull, no matter what the W's material preference there must be some sort of romantic story about obtaining the ring?! right? I mean a fairy tale is good, or atleast something you can put a fairytale spin on, but when its something like "his mother bought the ring cause he was not cluing in" it kills any heartfelt feeling behind the ring.
> 
> It seems to me what wedding rings really tend to symbolize is the romance behind the propsal and the lifelong committment that ensues. Which is why so many are attached to the one ring and why there is so much pressure on a guy to get it right the first time. Like in ITW's story, to me it means the relationship has matured into something more meaningful when you can renew the symbolization behind the jewellry.


Bingo! The OP resents that her ring doesn't come with a romantic story. Now if her husband is not generally the romantic type, the wedding ring/proposal is likely one of the only sources of a romantic story for them. The ring is a reminder of what she missed out on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Although I'm sure your MIL acted with the best of intentions, perhaps it would have been better if she'd offered to help finance the rings, rather than going out and buying them. Frankly, though, I'd prefer an inexpensive ring, rather than one paid for by someone else.

Your rings _are_ lovely, BTW.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Halien said:


> Many people had larger rings, but my wife saw something of me and my devotion in the ring.


I think that's what a lot of women want when they look at their rings.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I don't think its right to suggest that you should just be grateful. Instead, patiently try to help him understand that you would cherish a ring that symbolized his own devotion to you, and while you appreciate your MIL's gift, maybe the two of you can decide together what to do.


I agree. I think from a woman's point of view, wedding rings are very personal and symbolic... I think this is what is possibly irking the OP and what her H isn't understanding. I think it needs addressing in a very careful and sensitive manner so as not to hurt the OP's H or well-meaning MIL.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I say if it meant that much to you maybe you shouldn't have accepted it... but I digress. 

And with the history of this relationship, I don't know if I'd expected much more from his side of things. KWIM? I get wanting a token from your true love and all, but considering how the relationship was prior and how this came about to begin with? IDK if I'd be THAT upset.

Just my .02


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You should return them to your Mother-in-Law if it is such an issue.

Instead, you are using them as a club to beat your husband. I can only imagine how he feels when you tell him "I am OK with the shiny bauble, but I hate the idea of the ring".

Return them, thank her for the gesture. Then go spend whatever token amount you and your husband can afford on a "meaningful" ring. Stop being Passive-Aggressive about it and take ownership.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ano said:


> Yes. This is how it makes me feel.
> 
> And I guess after everything he put myself and our son through...I feel like he got off easy in this one...and from how he responsed..it seems like he doesn't plan on making an effort to fix it. And that bothers me.
> 
> ...


I get it. 100%. 

I was waiting for you to post the above. Deep down you know why it bothers you so much, and its not because you are materialistic. You had an idea of what the rings should mean to you, you had a terrible wound from your first engagement, and now you are unable to get over this hurt. You need to tell him this, exactly. Don't make it about the rings...

I will tell you a story about myself, that I get a lot of hate and misunderstanding about. I hated my wedding. Hated it. Hated the whole planning process, hated the wedding day. When I think back to that time all that I have are bad memories and it's painful. We have been married almost four years and everytime our anniversary rolls around the wound reopens a little bit.

I was pregnant (accident) when my H proposed to me, and we rushed a wedding six weeks after the proposal because that is what our families pressured us to do. (We were sinners never to be forgiven for getting PG out pf wedlock and the only way we could earn forgiveness is by making it official ). The whole wedding was my mom. I didn't have input on pretty much anything. I was 20 weeks pregnant on my wedding day, I cried seeing myself pregnant in my maternity wedding dress. I was sick as a dog and had pregnancy complications that no one seemed to give an F about, I was not even allowed to turn to my family for support during my PG, they used our weddong as a shield to avoid talking about the dreaded sin we committed. I was throwing up on my wedding day, I fell asleep in the limo between the church and reception, it was bad. I love my husband but I hate those memories and it is not what I want to think about. I have not made peace with it completely but as time passes it gets better.

All that to say, I get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Bingo! The OP resents that her ring doesn't come with a romantic story. Now if her husband is not generally the romantic type, the wedding ring/proposal is likely one of the only sources of a romantic story for them. The ring is a reminder of what she missed out on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Very true. I feel like I was sold short...and even more so after his "ungrateful" response.







Cosmos said:


> Although I'm sure your MIL acted with the best of intentions, perhaps it would have been better if she'd offered to help finance the rings, rather than going out and buying them. Frankly, though, I'd prefer an inexpensive ring, rather than one paid for by someone else.
> 
> Your rings _are_ lovely, BTW.



Me too. Its not the size or the price, its the meaning behind it.






Cosmos said:


> I agree. I think from a woman's point of view, wedding rings are very personal and symbolic... I think this is what is possibly irking the OP and what her H isn't understanding. I think it needs addressing in a very careful and sensitive manner so as not to hurt the OP's H or well-meaning MIL.


How do you suggest I go about bringing this up? 

I was planning to drop the subject completely and never talk about it again. It knows my thoughts...and now I know his.

Is it even worth talking about again?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Ano - 

While a marriage is between 2 people, they can be difficult to occur or to persist. They often take concerned people who love you and are trying to help you. People concerned about your happiness. Some people have stories of not having a ring, or having a cheap ring because they could not afford one. Your ring is symbolic of what your situation was. It was what is was. It is what it is. Your marriage to your H is borne of your MILs love for him and you.

Nope, I could not convince myself, it is a little awkward. Wear them on a necklace and say your fingers are swollen.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Return them, thank her for the gesture. Then go spend whatever token amount you and your husband can afford on a "meaningful" ring. Stop being Passive-Aggressive about it and take ownership.


I like this idea. You don't want them, you're unhappy when you look at them, do something about it.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> > Return them, thank her for the gesture. Then go spend whatever token amount you and your husband can afford on a "meaningful" ring. Stop being Passive-Aggressive about it and take ownership.
> 
> 
> <br />
> ...


This would probably crush my MIL. I know she would say that she understands...but the excitement on her face that she got to do this for us....she would be very hurt.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I bet she wouldn't be near as hurt as when her son tells her that you HATE them and only value them in a materialistic way.

Failing to correct the situation based on her feelings is not an excuse. 

Step up, be honest, move forward with solution. Everybody involved is suffering for your inaction, everybody involved will be made whole by a solution.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ano said:


> This would probably crush my MIL. I know she would say that she understands...but the excitement on her face that she got to do this for us....she would be very hurt.


Please her or please yourself. Those are your choices really. 

I still think it's more important to focus on your relationship than what's on your finger. You can't undo how things have turned out, only live with what you have now. You accepted them, he accepted his and here you are. He didn't buy them. You accepted the gift from your MIL in spite of that, versus insisting that HE do it. You have to take ownership, just like Misty's Dad said.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I get it. 100%.
> 
> I was waiting for you to post the above. Deep down you know why it bothers you so much, and its not because you are materialistic. You had an idea of what the rings should mean to you, you had a terrible wound from your first engagement, and now you are unable to get over this hurt. You need to tell him this, exactly. Don't make it about the rings...
> 
> ...


I'm sorry 

Your story is tough. Especially having to somewhat relive it every year on your anniversary. You are strong.

Marriage is supposed to be happiness.... your thoughts of it are negative, as are mine.

You feel like you got robbed of that dream of a perfect wedding and proposal that we dream about as little girls. So do I.

I do believe what you said, time does heal everything. But how much time? Who knows.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ano said:


> I didn't care about rings. I told my husband that we will get cheap ones now and get better ones when we can afford it.
> 
> I know he felt bad...and he must of spoken to his mother about the ring and financial situation. He actually spoke to her about proposing to me again before he did it.
> 
> ...


I used to have an issue with assuming people's generosity and openness to me had an agenda aimed at me and not genuine.

So, with that perspective, it seems to me (being a detached observer) that your MIL was genuinely generous and wanted to make your reunification with her son as complete as possible. Your husband senses this and is having a knee-jerk reaction to YOUR reaction to the rings.

I further think having rings is symbolically important to your husband. Rings are to show you are married, after all. I am curious to know, when you say "they did not come from my husband" are you talking about the design or the money?

So, I would suggest that if you do not like your rings you can gently approach your MIL with true gratitude and a suggestion that you return them to her jeweler for something more to your liking. If the money is the issue you could always say that you really want to do it yourself. At some point though, you are going to have to address this, unless you intend to just show up one day wearing new rings.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Ano said:


> This would probably crush my MIL. I know she would say that she understands...but the excitement on her face that she got to do this for us....she would be very hurt.


So, let it crush her if she lets it, that is her issue to deal with... Honestly, why should it crush her? The only reason would be because her giving the ring as a gift was selfish motivation, not because she wanted you to be happy - personally if I gave someone a gift and it made them unhappy I'd rather them be honest about it then suffer (especially if its for something as important to a woman as her wedding ring).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK. Understanding that you are the choices you make, past or present, good or bad and accepting those choices are all you can do.

At any point in time you can say NO. Should the people you failed to say NO to be held accountable for your unhappiness with the situation? I don't think that's fair. It's the whole.. nobody put a gun to your head thing.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

DTO said:


> I further think having rings is symbolically important to your husband. Rings are to show you are married, after all. I am curious to know, when you say "they did not come from my husband" are you talking about the design or the money?



When I say that they did not come from my husband, I mean that they did not come from his heart. He did not pick them out...he did not pay for them.

It has nothing to do with the design or how much money was spent.

I think that the rings are stunning..but they do not symbolize marriage to me.

I am the furthest thing from.materialistic. My husband knows this. 

My previous engagement ring has a tiny little diamond in it. That didn't matter. I was proud of it. It made me happy. It had so much sentimental value. My husband went out of his way to pick out a ring..just for me, from him. It was special. It meant something.

The fact of the matter is this time around, he didn't even attempt to get another ring. I would of been happier with a 25 cent gumball machine ring then this piece of metal on my finger.

That's all it is to me....a piece of metal..with no value to my heart. 

Now that I'm thinking about it, he even suggested that I put my old engagement ring back on back when he proposed again. Which considering the situation...was out of the question.

Apparently rings don't have sentimental value to him...and I guess in his eyes..they don't need to have sentimental value to me either.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Personally - I am going to vehemently disagree with those who say to give the rings back to your MIL.

What good would that do? It isn't about the rings themselves and you know it. Your MIL is a good person, and you said yourself that one of the good things that has come out of your marraige is the relationship you have with your MIL. You may have gained a husband who needs a bit of work, but you also gained a MIL who is a big part of your life. Why taint that relationship with her - why create negativity that doesn't need to be there?

You asked for an opinion - do you try to resolve this with your husband by talking about it, or do you learn to let it go?

In my opinion there is no right or wrong answer to this. 

The situation you went through with the proposal/freak out/re-proposal and wedding is something you need to gain closure on. You seem to feel that you saw a painful glimpse of your husbands true personality in the events that unfolded. That hurts. You found out something about him that at the time was probably not at all what you expected of him. The question of whether you bring it up and try to hash it out with him is about how you view the situation now - do you truly think that there is anything he could say or do to erase this wound RIGHT NOW, in the present? How has he been since this happened - is he largely the same person, or has he shown you through his actions that he is not that person? 

We can crucify people forever for mistakes they make in the past. But if there is something that you want him to understand about your feelings from that time, you need to speak to him about it. Just be honest with yourself - could he really do anything at this point to erase this memory for you?

I have had almost four years to digest my wedding. Immediately after it happened I had a lot of hard feelings towards my husband. I was angry that he didn't stand up for me more, I felt like he should have told both of our families to eff off basically when they came down on us so hard for getting PG accidentally. I viewed him as a huge pushover and I convinced myself he was a coward. I felt at the time that I was too sick to stand up for myself and that he should have taken over for me. 

Years passed, and I realized that I shouldn't hold a grudge. He is who he is. He never was, and never will be, the type of guy to stand up and fight - especially not with his family. He chose to keep the peace in a very tumultuous time. There are merits to that. He loved me and he wanted to marry me, and the details weren't so important to him. He didn't have a preconception of what his proposal should be or his wedding day should be - only I had that. And you know what, things dont always go according to plan, and even if the wedding day was not at all what we would have chosen for ourselves - our vows were real and were spoken honestly. The important part - our commitment to each other and our desire to marry - was always there and is still there. Why fight over the details? 

I decided on my end to let it go. There was nothing anyone could have said or done to make me feel better about the way things went down, and I can choose to ruminate on the bad or decide to leave it in the past and look to the future.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> Personally - I am going to vehemently disagree with those who say to give the rings back to your MIL.<br />
> <br />
> What good would that do? It isn't about the rings themselves and you know it. Your MIL is a good person, and you said yourself that one of the good things that has come out of your marraige is the relationship you have with your MIL. You may have gained a husband who needs a bit of work, but you also gained a MIL who is a big part of your life. Why taint that relationship with her - why create negativity that doesn't need to be there?<br />
> <br />
> ...


How did you leave it in the past? How do you just decide one day that you are not going to let this bother you anymore?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I've been married for almost 29 years.

My rings were purchased by myself and my husband and while I was never thrilled about them - I was thrilled about marrying him.

He picked them out, liked them, so I liked them because he did.

I grew to LOVE them as I grew to LOVE HIM more and more.

And guess what - those rings I wasn't thrilled about in the beginning are now gone - stolen by an electrician in my home two weeks ago.

I'd give anything to get the "rings I didn't like" back now.

It's what the rings represent, more than WHO picked them out.

Just food for thought...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ano said:


> How did you leave it in the past? How do you just decide one day that you are not going to let this bother you anymore?


You look at the whole of your situation. Is your marriage happy overall? 

I tend to dramatize situations to put it in perspective. Are you any less married or committed with those rings? You let his previous behavior go to give him another chance, IMO that would be harder than accepting he didn't buy my wedding rings.

ETA: I or they could die tomorrow. What's really more important... my relationships with people or what they've given me or not given me?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Ano said:


> Marriage is supposed to be happiness.... your thoughts of it are negative, as are mine.
> 
> You feel like you got robbed of that dream of a perfect wedding and proposal that we dream about as little girls. So do I.
> 
> I do believe what you said, time does heal everything. But how much time? Who knows.


A wedding doesn't make a marriage, it's one day out of a lifetime together.
A marriage makes a marriage. 



Ano said:


> Apparently rings don't have sentimental value to him...and I guess in his eyes..they don't need to have sentimental value to me either.


And that is the cusp of this situation, you two have different ideas about rings, neither of you is right or wrong, you're just different.
You're also assuming he thinks that the rings don't need to have sentimental value to you, have you actually asked him that?
Tell him what you've shared in this thread, let him know that to you, the wedding rings symbolize just the relationship between you two. 
That while you appreciate what your MIL has done, this is something that you prefer was special to only you two, you want the ring to be from him, to represent the new start.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And Kag123, I'd be having a vow renewal ceremony sometime in the near future.

Make new, better, happier memories.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ano said:


> How did you leave it in the past? How do you just decide one day that you are not going to let this bother you anymore?


Honestly, it took time, and some realizations on my part that I learned the hard way. I have to tell you that my worst feeling was on our first wedding anniversary, when we defrosted the top layer of our wedding cake. For some reason I looked at that cake and just bust out in tears - I didn't even taste my wedding cake on the day of my wedding because I had to excuse myself to the bathroom as I was so sick that day. It was a painful reminder of how much I didn't get to enjoy our "special day". Our first anniversary is the first time I had a taste of my wedding cake. I know that's so dumb, but it's those little things that can set me off sometimes. 

I had a particularly raw and painful discussion with my H about 1.5 years ago about this subject. He always knew that our wedding was a sore spot for me but I don't think he fully understood why or what kind of feelings I harbor about it. He saw my pain and I don't remember what words were exchanged, but I remember lashing out and letting my emotions get the best of me, and it was incredibly unproductive and we parted with my H feeling like sh!t. I had a moment of clarity then that 1) he will never "get it", and he shouldn't be expected to. Some things we will never be able to empathize with each other on, and this is one of them. He went into our wedding day with no expectations - I went in with a ton of them. I was disappointed, he was not. My disappoint is mine to make peace with. 2) there is literally nothing he can say or do now to make it right. My memory will always be there and I have to make peace with it. It is not his duty to make it right, either. I have to stop punishing him for things he cannot change and for events that cannot be undone. I chose to marry him, I said my vows, I meant them, and THAT is what is supposed to be important. 

I felt like such a piece of crap after that fight. I laid all of my feelings onto my H and he walked away feeling guilty - but guilty of what? I couldnt even put my finger on it. I knew I couldnt keep doing that to him when I couldnt even think of something concrete I could tell him to do to make it better. Why dig a hole and force him to stand in it without any ladder to climb back out? That isn't productive for either of us.

I still have to fight these thoughts when our anniversary rolls around. It's not like I never think about it. I simply choose not to let myself dwell on it. I have a lot of good things to be thankful for that came out of that day. I have an awesome husband. My son is the best thing that ever happened to us, and despite the anomosity we faced from our family for not having perfect timing with our pregnancy, I chose to forgive them and they now have a good relationship as grandparents to my son (and daughter, who came later). I also gained a close relationship with my MIL, who is closer to me than I am with my own mother. I remind myself of all of these things whenever I feel negativity brewing. I have a lot to be thankful for.

And in the end - sh!t happens. That's life. Sometimes we don't get the fairytale that we dreamed about. It could be a lot worse. Perspective is all you need.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> How's the marriage? I think it's better to focus on that rather than some rings on your finger.


I completely agree with this. My mother gave my husband my engagement ring. It means no less to me because my husband didn't pay for it.

I do think it is a bit ungrateful, because the sentimental value, is what you make it. You didn't have rings when you married, so where they came from really wouldn't matter, right? As they will never be the bands to exchanged with your vows.


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