# need help!! why now??



## whynow? (Jan 23, 2011)

Ok, so this is my first time posting on here.

i wish i had found this site back when my wife and i split up. But anyways, long story short, my wife kicked me out 7 months ago, we have a daughter together, she moved another man into the house about 2 weeks after i was kicked out.

I went through depression, lost her and the house and friends and all that stuff, the usual that everyone seems to go through on here.

I eventually got over her (or so i thought) and started negotiations to do with my daughter etc, had all the fun time in lawyer meetings etc etc. 

Met a beautiful woman, who helped me through the tough times and am still with now. 

Here is my problem, my ex wife, recently came to me and said she is not over me. That she is a complete and utter mess and even thinks about ending it all.....if you get what i mean. She has done this once before, but without the ending it part...i am now very worried mainly because of how she talks but also because, i don't think i'm over her.

has anyone else had a similar situation? can anyone give advice on how i should attack this? clearly if i think things about my ex then i shouldn't be misleading the new woman, yes?

Just when i thought i was moving on this gets thrown at me and now i am second guessing it all again. Is it a ploy by the ex? so many questions, do not know where to begin !


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You are not responsible for your wife’s behaviour, suicide or anything else. She’s already treated you appallingly, why on earth would you want to go back to that?


----------



## LSU Fan (Dec 31, 2010)

My suggestion would be to get her to talk with a counselor and see where that goes. She may be just depressed because of the "process" of the separation and the custody/visitation legal junk and getting back together will end that "process" but it may not be the overall answer. If you sincerely think the suicide talk is serious you could call the police or whomever and have her involuntarily evaluated briefly. I believe if she is seriously suicidal and wants things to get better than she would voluntarily get help though.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You may want to contact the OM and inform him that his girl friend/ your ex wife that she is talking suicide. Also inform her family. This is serious and should not be taken lightly.

As far as you go, stay were you are at and wait and see, your wife needs some major repair work in her head, so until that is done stay the course. There is no hurry in tring to help your ex heal and then after she is better she goes back to OM.

Let wife heal then talk about getting back together, my $0.02 , no real experience here. Except for the fact that I too had a disloyal spouse.


----------



## whynow? (Jan 23, 2011)

update...

She has dumped the other man, i know this to be true because i was there when it happen, picking up my daughter.

Afterward she talked to me and said she would like to try with me again, i said it is way too soon and you really need to sort yourself out first.

a day went by and i took my daughter home, when there we were just talking friendly stuff about my daughter and life in general, then she changed the topic and said...."i just want to be friends for now, i love you but i don't want to lead you on like i did before"

what way do i take this? is she leading me on yet again???? you don't tell someone you love them and you want to be friends in the same sentence do you? i am very confused how to take this...

i also mentioned about counseling and a few hints that she could have wanted me back because of the custody thing and stuff, so i know that all these factors could be messing her up more, but at the same time its messing me up more, i seriously thought i had gotten to a stage where i was over all of it. Clearly women (sorry if this upsets you girls) don't fully realize how much they affect men, or they do, and use it well....


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the first thing I would do is get your daughter out of there. If she is talking suicide she has issues, moving another man into your house two weeks after you were out is another perfect example. I would not trust this woman around my child, your wife is showing mental instability, lack of maturity and piss poor parenting skills.

I would not go back to her, and I would get my child out of there. And if you say she's a good mother then you need to open your eyes wider. Mentally stable mothers do not threaten suicide or use threats for leverage, good mothers do not bring a strange man into the house a couple weeks after dad is out, good mothers do not fight with there boyfriends in front of their daughters or their HUSBAND!! 

It sounds like she has serious impulse control issues and you really don't want your daughter in that environment.


----------



## whynow? (Jan 23, 2011)

So i have done my best to try to talk to her about getting my daughter, but i am hiting a brick wall, she says things like "in her best interest to keep in a routine of being here, although you can have her weekends" 

she has stopped talking suicide. But has also started seeing the other man again, from what i can tell anyway, why do we as the people who got kicked out and walked over let this keep happening? is it possible to love someone too much? i just do not get it anymore....

i feel so pathetic for letting her have so much control over my life even tho i should hate her for what she has done and how she has done it, i still love the woman....


----------



## whynow? (Jan 23, 2011)

i cannot do this anymore, i cannot be her lapdog and keep running back to her.

if anyone else is in my situation or similar, please just stop letting the other half lead you on, it drags you down emotionally more than its worth, i wrote this letter to my wife today, will give it to her when i see her next for my daughter, just wanted to share it with others and see what they think...

i would appreciate some comments because i do not know if its too selfish or wrong or anything, i am confused again about everything and yea just thats life i guess.
I just rered it and yea i can see what people are gonna say, but i just am sick of playing games, im sick of saying what other people want me to say, what books want you to say, what everything tells me to and not to say.

Wife,
Something hit me like a train this morning, the realization of why i feel the way i do.

I try not to be your friend when your with the other man because it hurts me so much.. Seing you with another man.. Knowing that you no longer love me the way i love you. Especially when he hurts you..

Regardless of the past, there was good times and bad times, but that was a relationship and youre meant to work at it with each other.

Im not going to assign blame, im not going to try and apply guilt, things happend...

Fact of the matter is, i will always love you more than a friend, i meant my vows when i married you, i WILL always love you and care for you, no matter what you do to me, no matter what happens.

When you were not talking to me, the pain was easier to deal with, tried my hardest to move on, to live.

Everytime i see you i just want to take you, hold you and love you, make you happy....

Photos of you make me want to break down everytime..Places that were special to us i avoid..People we used to know i cant talk to anymore.

You have a hold of my heart and its never going to stop getting tighter.

I am getting worse again, emotionally, simply because i love you more than anything in this universe, i have constantly tried to prove that to you...

But for some reason i am not good enough for you, if you prefer absolute ****s like the other man who hurt you and dont make you happy in the long run, so be it, your choice, but i am entitled to my opinion.

Lately it has taken every ounce of my strength to not break down in front of you again. But its getting harder, especially with the talk of the other man, you being angry, teasing me, and also seeing you messing up your head and life....

I will organise my daughter with you today. And its going to hurt but i need to stop seeing you. I have constantly been trying to get you back and you dont want that...Every weekend i go out by myself because ive got no decent friends left, try to meet new people and fill the void. I end up being drunk and sad because none of them compare to you...

Without you i feel so alone, even when i was talking to other women all i could think of was you. You really do not know how perfect you are....

Wife, I will always love you. With all my existance. There is nothing more i can do, except wait on the edge of this path, ready and waiting for you to take my hand and walk down it together, happy and in love...


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Your letter made me cry like a child because I know that
This is how I would feel about my husband for
A very long time . I will compare every man to him and wont be able
To move on. Why there is no pill to kill feelings. 
Is there really going to be time that we will be completely over them?
So sorry for what youre going throug,i have yet to experience how it feels when OW appears in the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

whynow, if you have been a good father, you have a right to at least 50% custody of your kid. Stop by dadsdivorce.com, and read "the list".

What would be best for your kid? Find out what that would be, and pursue it.

I would not move out of the house (you are enabling her affair, making it easier). I would not agree to have my kids only on weekends. 

About your wife, if you want her back, follow the 180 plan. But first decide what you want.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well obviously she was having an affair before the split up if the other man moved in so quickly.

Also she's only interested in you again because the thing with the other man fell apart.

I wouldn't send her that letter either, it may well all be true from your end, but it just screams neediness and weakness and she will prey on you.

The threat to kill herself is a classic manipulation ploy.

If you really want to be back with her I'd just write her that if she's willing to apologize and admit fault in her affair, come clean on all the details and is willing to go to counseling with you, you are open to discussing the marriage. But if she is not you will be moving foward with your new friend. She has 48 hours to give an answer.

Keep it under 100 words. No floral language or emotion. Just an offer.

If she doesn't agree, the only thing left to discuss is what goes on with your daughter.


----------

