# Can he re-fall in love with me?



## segj048 (Mar 22, 2012)

I cheated on my husband with our neighbor who was also friends withy husband. I woke up with H very early one morning, saw him off to work, than opened the door for the neighbor. It happened once and literally makes me ill to think of it to this day.
My H struggled hard because he wanted to be with me but couldn't move past what I had done. We seperated and I moved back to my home state in March '11.
After 3 months, my H moved up with me and we have been together since. We have a 3 y/o DD and are now expecting another DD in May. We have come a long way since all this happened and his love for me is very evident...more so than ever before. I can easily see that he wants to be with me but is having such a hard time letting the past go (I don't blame him).
About 3 weeks ago, he came home and said that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Since then it has been a constant flip-flop of emotions with him...he says he wants to be with me forever but needs help moving on from the past. He seems to snap very easily, and when he does it's bad. Just this Monday he literally smashed his cell phone against the wall because we were fighting.
Last night he saw me crying and came over and hugged me and said he wants to be with me, that's all he wants, but he's not in love with me. He says he wants to work out his issues and go to counseling.

MY question/fear is, will counseling work? Can he truly ever get over the affair or find peace and move on? Hands down the only thing I want is to be with him and be a family...be in love like we were when we met and get back to that. I just fear that he will forever keep flip-flopping between wanting to be with me then just feeling like he can't. 
Is it even possible for someone to 're-fall in love'? Or should that be my indicator that things are never going to change and I need to move on (which I don't want)?
I'm so scared and confused...I don't want to lose my H or our family but I realize it's my fault....

Thank you in advance for any advice/guidance


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

He's being whip sawed by what we call the 'emotional rollercoaster'.

Counseling will only help if he wants to go. But he needs to seek the services of a competent professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

Have you addressed through counseling what motivated you to have sex with the OM (other man)? The answer could help both of you, and especially your husband for he is struggling to make sense of why you did what you did and whether he can trust you to never again betray him.


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## segj048 (Mar 22, 2012)

He is definitely on that roller coaster and has told me he wants to go to counseling together. This all just happened 3 weeks ago (him saying that he's not in love) so I am definitely looking into counselors. I've been putting it off because I thought at first that he was just 100% done with me but I see that there is still hope yet. 
Would you suggest going together to both counseling sessions you suggested? I really believe that he trusts me now but the biggest thing is him not grasping why I did what I did. And I explained it many times (purely emotional and not physical attraction...I felt ugly, unwanted, etc. and needed validation). 
It's like no matter what we should do, I'm scared to death if it's going to work or not. And that's the answer I need...is this all going to work out? I know no one can tell me that for sure...but I just needed to let it out anyways.


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## segj048 (Mar 22, 2012)

Also...what do you make of him saying that he's not in love with me anymore? He said (and still says) that he loves me, wants to be with me and only me, but is not in love like he used to be. Last night he said it was the affair that totally obliterated his image of me and the love he once had. 
Writing that out, I guess I answered my own question. Everything stems back to the affair...and clearly counseling is our last resort :-\ It's just so hard not knowing if I will ever get my H back (emotionally)


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Counseling is a good place to start.
I was able to fall in love with my wife again, but it is really up to him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm a firm believer of 'actions speak louder than words' so him saying to you that he does not love you but acting otherwise, should be taken with a grain of salt on your part. What he is actually saying is that he is afraid of being happy to love you because he's afraid that you will betray him again.

What concrete things have you done to fill the void that left you susceptible to feeling ugly, unwanted and seeking outside validation?

As far as whether to go counseling together, I would hold off on that and let him go by himself. If his counselor deems it constructive, and your husband has no problem with it, you can then join him.

Keep in mind though that any pre-affair issues will have to take a back seat for a time until his personal recovery allows him to address them. The recovery from your affair comes first.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nobody ever "gets over" an affair.
People get through them. So when he says he's not in love with you how he was before, it's because you have forever changed in his eyes.

That's a hard fact of infidelity.

The ball is in his court so all you can do is wait for him to decide. 

How did he find out about your affair? Are you still neighbors with the guy you cheated with?


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## sohereiam (Jan 19, 2012)

Coming from a very similar situation, I can tell you this..You are forever changed in his eyes, and though you can get through this together, it will be hard at times. Just be there, be transparent, support him in the grief.


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## segj048 (Mar 22, 2012)

DanF - Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope to have the same outcome

morituri -Again, thanks for your insight. I honestly haven't 'done' anything to fill the voids that led to the affair. I've always had low self-esteem and after having my daughter (and gaining weight) I just felt like any guy who wanted me was an opportunity not to be missed. My husband never 'unwanted me' but for some reason I needed to know other guys still wanted me. Sometimes when we'd fight (pre-affair) my H would call me 'fat', only to take it back when we had made up. As for now post-affair, I don't have those feelings anymore that I need validation or another guys attention. I feel 100% complete when I'm with my H and DD's so the need for outside attention has gone away. I understand though that H needs to realize this is how I feel now...and that's where counseling comes in. 

Jellybeans - I understand what you mean about changing forever in his eyes....but is there any coming back from that? Doesn't that mean that things will never be the same then? If I've changed in his eyes forever, than how can he ever want to be with me again?
The affair happened in a different state. We now live elsewhere. He actually is still friends with the guys brother and he even showed me a picture of the OM who recently got married. So that's kind of odd that he can even face looking at a pic of the OM, much less show me. And he didn't mention the affair, he just said, "hey look..."Stan" got married to "stephanie"". And that was it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Segj,

You have received some good advice.



> MY question/fear is, will counseling work? Can he truly ever get over the affair or find peace and move on? Hands down the only thing I want is to be with him and be a family...be in love like we were when we met and get back to that. I just fear that he will forever keep flip-flopping between wanting to be with me then just feeling like he can't.
> Is it even possible for someone to 're-fall in love'? Or should that be my indicator that things are never going to change and I need to move on (which I don't want)?
> I'm so scared and confused...I don't want to lose my H or our family but I realize it's my fault....


Counselling is key for him and you. And it is good you know why you cheated on him.

Why would you ever want to go back to what your marriage was pre-affair? Why would your husband.

He is flip flopping because he cannot get over what has happened to your marriage in the past. You need him to start thinking of the present.

Be pro-active. Find a great counselor and tell him that you both are going. Tell him your goals. That you love him. That you want your family to be together forever. That he is the only man in your life that you want to be with and you will do whatever it takes to have a new, better, stronger marriage than before.

You need to convince him that you and your family are worth him taking that risk.

Be strong, confident and loving.* And gently do not take No for an answer.* He is still with you for a reason. Make that reason count for everything you start doing today to fix your marriage.

HM64


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## JustCan'tDeal (Feb 24, 2012)

Everyone is right, you are changed in his eyes...forever. My H had an EA and we are currently working through it. Last night we were talking and he asked me "it will never be normal, ever again will it?" My response was that no, it will never be the same again and I will never look at you the same. We are both different people now. The only thing we can do is to move forward and make our own new "normal". We love each other enough to at least try to make our lives happy again. It will take time but it can be done. I also pointed out that you should not really want to go back to before all of this because obviously you were not happy with the way things were. We just need to move forward and learn something from all of this if we can.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Segj, Your husband realizes that the person you are, is not the person he married. He has to fall in love again. With the new you. I can tell he is giving it everything he has. My only advice, it maintain an upbeat and positive outlook (without telling him). This is not rug sweeping. When he is pain, address it. But do not try to defend yourself or your actions. Tell him that you understand that the choice is all up to him. That you will hang on tight to him or let him go. Its his choice. Realize that regardless of what happens, he will always be with you. If only for the kids (I think he does love you). He has to deal with the emasculating he has been through. He needs his self respect. Good luck.


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## segj048 (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input and advice...I feel so much better knowing that there is hope still. 
I understand now that I'm forever changed in his eyes and I need to continue with my plan of bettering/reinventing myself. 
I guess what I meant about wanting things to go back to how they were is the way we fell in love and had such a blast together. But I see now that obviously I was the 'old me' then and now it's time for the 'new me'. 
If I do more things (like ask him to take a walk with me, go somewhere together, do something special, etc.) is that a good idea? I want to show him that these are the things I honestly want to start doing again but I know he also needs time. It wouldn't be me trying to force anything, it's just honestly what I want. I want to reconnect but can I do that (or make steps) if he's not ready/hasn't been to counseling yet?
Either way, I will be booking an appointment asap after looking into the counselor that's right for us.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Segj,

I think it is a good idea trying to reconnect.

If he is hesitant ask him what he needs from you. Tell him why you want to spend time with him.

Keep re-assuring him and letting him know you are here for him even if he wants his space.

The key is that you two start communicating.

Get the counselling booked and keep moving forward.

Do not give up on yourself or your husband.


HM64


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

For him you are not his loving wife whom he had married, Now you are only a person who betrayed him and took some ones **** on his back. The lady whom he married and loved died when you choose some one over him for your happiness. Why should he want to love a cheater, who was not worried about him, his feelings when you decided to **** someone on his back. 
For him the marriage itself is a new one with a new women, he don't trust you or love you in a way it should be, its not his fault its the consequences of your doings.

Now you want everything to be same as old days, its never going to happen, but you may be able to start a new life and begin from the begging. Dont expect anything to happen in a day, usually it takes more than 2.5 yrs for the recovery from infidelity that too if the Weird wife is truly remorseful and do a heavy uplifting.

For mistakes there is consequences, its time for you to pay for your mistake but you are lucky that he is still with you.If it was some one else.............

BTW what was the magical word your Fu*k buddy told you which gave back your confidence and self esteem back after screwing you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Well you explained why you did this. Did you confess to your husband and that it is how he found out? Have you both been tested for STD's and is there any chance the coming baby could be the OM's?

What gave yourself permission to do this? You did this with a neighbor and a friend to your husband. The absolute worst part is that you brought him in to have sex with you in your marital home and I assume your bed when your husband was at work. Surely you must have realized that by doing this you were willing to destroy your marriage. If the roles were reversed how would you be feeling?

Your husband is on a roller coaster. What you did is as bad as it gets. For many men this would have to be a deal breaker. Hopefully it will not be for your husband. Did your husband confront the OM and and his wife or significant other? I am willing to guess that the sex probably was not all that good either. I wish you luck and hope for the best for you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

segj, read this. Maybe it will help you understand what he is feeling.

I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.

A person who has an affair does indeed have to deal with a lot of pain in the aftermath. They have to reevaluate their own identity and who they really are and their willingness to cause so much suffering to their loved ones. The statements “it’s just not in me to cheat” and “I could never do that” are in direct conflict with their actions. They have to come to the painful conclusion that they indeed are not the absolute good person they thought they were. They have to realize that there was something in them that allowed them to be selfish and cruel to the person or people they most cherished. And the scariest part is that they have to realize that since they’ve done it once they can do it again. Those self examinations are extremely difficult but necessary if the WS wants to become the person they always thought they already were and hope to actually become.

Here is where it gets hard for as much difficulty the WS has to go through they truly cannot comprehend the pain and anguish the BS has to endure. I want you to understand and remember two words. These are two very important words and it will help you to understand what your spouse is probably feeling even if they can’t express it. When they discovered your affair…YOU DIED! Let me say it again…YOU DIED! The person that your husband/wife married is gone forever. Think about a time when you lost someone really close to you. A father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, or spouse. Think of the grief that you had to deal with. That is the same grief that your spouse has to deal with each and every day. Every day that they wake up after D-Day you die again and they feel it again and it's just as intense. The feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, yes…anger (why did you leave me?) Can you even imagine the pain that he/she is going through? Probably not. Because you are the one that had died and they are the one that is left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life that was taken from. They are the ones that are left to deal with the loss of a loved one.

But here is the sick part. You are still here; but you aren’t! You are a doppelganger, a clone, an evil twin. You are the one that killed your spouse’s cherished love. You took the love of his/her life away forever violently and without mercy. You stabbed them, mutilated them, burned them and ultimately buried them. You are the monster that has torn up a family. You are the monster that has committed such a senseless heinous act. You are a murderer! And here's the part that most WS miss. You were aware of your actions. You stalked your husband/wife's spouse. You planned how to do it. You conspired with another murderer (the OM/OW) and you finally struck without warning and without honor. The BS was left in shock and dismay watching their cherished lover, friend, partner, confidant bleed to death in the street. They felt hopeless and helpless as the person they loved most in the world was taken from them. Their world...you...died that day.

And you want the grieving person to forgive you. Love you. Stay with you. Think about that for a minute. You, the pod person, the evil clone, the look alike murderer that destroyed the one person in life that your spouse cherished beyond all time and space want the sorrow filled, grief stricken, angry and injured beyond belief person to LOVE YOU? They had this involuntarily inflicted upon them. They had no choice. Only pain. And now you want them to choose to love you. Can you imagine going up to the person that murdered your loved one and choosing to love them?

Now you have a little glimpse into the psyche of your betrayed spouse. You also know why I always tell people that the old marriage is dead and the couple must learn to love each other as new…if they can. It is also why I recommend the betrayed spouse read “Just Let Them Go” even if they want to reconcile. Because you truly have to let the cheating spouse go in order to learn to hopefully love the new version of your husband/wife. It’s hard and it’s painful and it can only be done if the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> segj, read this. Maybe it will help you understand what he is feeling.
> 
> I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this post. now I understand more clearly what my husband really means by I'm dead to him. I am struggling with this part in my own life as the WS
"f the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again". What do you mean by this? What cn really we do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It can/will never be the same

Like phoenix rising from the ashes---all you can do is hope a new mge., can rise from the ashes

As for you and others who stray, and want to re-invent your mge.---do just that-----START ALL OVER

Go back to your courtship period---when you were madly in love, and there was no one else in the world but your spouse

Start dating----set up dates---do the things you did in the beginning----

Maybe nothing will help---maybe you can never get what you had back, and maybe your spouse doesn't want you anymore in that way----but you need to at least try----actions speak louder than words, as was previously stated----well go the extra TEN miles, and just try to start up a new love affair----sitting back and worrying about what your spouse will do, will get you nowhere

Take the iniative----you sure as he*l weren't scared to take the iniative and cheat----you didn't care what the consequences would be---so why are you scared to take the iniative now, and try to get something new going

You got 2 choices, do nothing, or go for it----

As to counseling, who knows---all you are both doing is re-hashing what you both already know

Once again all you can do is try---but don't sit and just do nothing---waiting for something to happen and/or thinking counseling is gonna be the magic wand---it isn't.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

icheated said:


> Thank you for this post. now I understand more clearly what my husband really means by I'm dead to him. I am struggling with this part in my own life as the WS
> "f the WS does everything to make the BS fall in love with them again". What do you mean by this? What cn really we do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did you get your spouse to love you the first time around. When you were dating what was your thought process? What are the things you did? Did you laugh at his stupid jokes? Did you tell him how wonderful he was? Did you flirt with him relentlessly? Did you text him constantly saying I love you?

Now double it and you have a start.

Find out his love language and start using it. Buy the book His Needs Her Needs and find out what his top 5 needs are and make sure you are meeting them. Basically you are not the person he fell in love with. That person is dead forever. You have to become a person he can fall in love with now. You're dating again and while there is some serious baggage to overcome (affair) there is also much commonality to exploit. Its your choice as to how hard you want to work. My old college computer programming teacher taught us GIGO. Garbage in garbage out. You will get out of reconciliation what you put in to reconciliation.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Sometimes when the damage is bad enough the love dies out. What you did and the way it happened was very random and it probably blind sided him emotionally. The person he loves died when you did what you did now he sees a woman that would cheat on her man with the neighbour fairly easily. Would you want your son or someone you care about to stay in a situation like that? He is flip flopping because he is struggling to reconcile the woman he knew with the person you turned out to be. He has feelings for you and probably you guys share a lot of history but I think the romantic element of it the intensity of love that comes from respect,honesty and intimacy is gone for good he is just having a hard time coming to terms with that.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> segj, read this. Maybe it will help you understand what he is feeling.
> 
> I know this post is not going to sit well with most WS here but in my opinion there seems to be a lot of difficulty understanding the pain the BS goes through after an affair is discovered. I know the WS is dealing with a lot of intense emotions such as guilt, shame, remorse, regret. But there seems to be a definite disconnect that I thought I'd address. While I am not the most intelligent or articulate person here on TAM I thought I’d try to describe the way my wife and I have come to understand the difference and how we related it to each other.
> 
> ...



....thank you for this. That was perhaps the best explained synopsis of my gut feelings I've ever come across. It is something I will refer to when my wife asks me why I can't look her in the eyes anymore...and then of course an arguement ensues...with HER...blaming ME...for the lack of intimacy. HER...blaming me for "not getting over it". I will tell her..."_think of which friend or family member's death affected you the most....and then multiply that grief ten-fold"_. I often told her after I found out about her PA...."All I ever wanted was to love you....and now you're gone". And she never got it...never understood...and still doesn't. Maybe now she might?

....but...here's a question for those that say, "just let them go"...how do you do that when there's 30 years of "history"? How do you even stomach seeing a wedding photo...or some kind of pre-affair keepsake?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

My guess is that your husband does love you and always did love you. What he cannot understand or get a grasp on is how could the one person he loved and was giving his life to would do the most painful act to him that he will always have in his memory for the rest of his life. He is struggling to deal with that.

You may be able to rebuild your "NEW" marriage but your husband will always have a significant scar from this time that you ripped his heart out. 

Congratulations.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Honestly, and I can only base it off my own experience.. Your done.. He will not or can not re-fall in love with you.. I went through pretty much the same thing.. me being the victim. The fact that your spouse cheats on you won't instantly make you stop loving them. However here is the catch, the BS still loves the person you used to be, before you were sullied. Cheating won't instantly make the feeling of loss hurt any less for the BS if the WS is gone.. Hence you moved away and he felt a loss that you were gone..But again he is missing the 'old you', the pure one, the one he cherished and the one that was all his.. It's hard to fathom really, how somebody can still be there but dead to you emotionally at the same time.. My wife is dead to me, she's not mine anymore, I could really care less if the earth opened up and swallowed her whole or she burned to death in an apartment fire (the her now).. But I still miss the wife I had, the girl I fell in love with, and its confusing... I mean you think to yourself that she is still in there somewhere, in the rotten carcass that you have to live with now.. but like a previous poster said: she's dead, she looks the same, and acts the same as the love of my life did; but she different... not the same, tainted, useless, damaged goods.. and you stare at it looking for the person you used to know... It's a very twisted thing really.. but I guess suffice it to say, the over riding feeling is that she is not mine anymore, she's been taken away.. but there is this creepy dirty reminder of her that I must bump into every day.. 

Regardless of what you think, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!.. HE LOVES THE PERSON YOU USED TO BE, AND YOU CAN NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN. The sick part is that he can not separate the two in his mind yet..In spite of what you may think the connection is permanently damaged. As a BS, it's always a fine balance between torture, pain and love.. In my particular situation.. I was like him blew up easy at first, got pissed a lot.. She wanted me to go see a Quack... and I refused.. Why should I have to go see a head doctor cause she f'd up? take time out of my day? be accommodating and sit through the humility of having to talk to some stranger about the fact that my spouse could not keep her legs closed and how I am the fool.. Anyway long story short.. It will probably continue to deteriorate and you will either split up entirely, or end up where I am at.. in a roommate situation with your spouse.. Havent' touched her in over a year, can't bring myself do do it, it's gross... In my situation it will eventually fall apart and I'll deal with it then. All I can say is for anybody, being cheated on is a tough pill to swallow...


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'm a firm believer of 'actions speak louder than words' so him saying to you that he does not love you but acting otherwise, should be taken with a grain of salt on your part. What he is actually saying is that he is afraid of being happy to love you because he's afraid that you will betray him again.
> 
> What concrete things have you done to fill the void that left you susceptible to feeling ugly, unwanted and seeking outside validation?
> 
> ...


In my case I believe that H will never cheat again, but it doesn't really matter to me if he does. He is no longer who I thought I was married to, and I'm not sure I even like this new guy. I can say with complete truth that I am no longer in love, but I have a family and their interests are what motivates me now. It has been over 2 years since d-day and it may still be possible to return to the same level of respect and love, but from where I'm sitting right now, it doesn't look likely. Some experiences change a person forever. It's sort of like finding out that you have been wiped out in the stock market. My H tells me that he feels lucky to be with me, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life " making it up to me". He seems happy to have a new start, I am ambivalent about it. I think the betrayer has to take it one day at a time and needs to be realistic about the how betrayal has changed their spouse, and their relationship to him/her.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....thank you for this. That was perhaps the best explained synopsis of my gut feelings I've ever come across. It is something I will refer to when my wife asks me why I can't look her in the eyes anymore...and then of course an arguement ensues...with HER...blaming ME...for the lack of intimacy. HER...blaming me for "not getting over it". I will tell her..."_think of which friend or family member's death affected you the most....and then multiply that grief ten-fold"_. I often told her after I found out about her PA...."All I ever wanted was to love you....and now you're gone". And she never got it...never understood...and still doesn't. Maybe now she might?
> 
> ....but...here's a question for those that say, "just let them go"...how do you do that when there's 30 years of "history"? How do you even stomach seeing a wedding photo...or some kind of pre-affair keepsake?


Time. Time doesn't cure but it does heal. If you are no longer together you will eventually remember two people. The one you married and had many wonderful years with and the one that betrayed you. Because they really are two different people. The strange thing is that the real person is somewhere in between those two. Your real wife is not the sweet innocent you thought you married. That person was a vision of your wife you built up in your mind. And the person who betrayed you is not the real person either. That person was selfish and cruel and justified their actions by demonizing you.

My wife refused to give up on us. She was just not going to let our marriage fail. And she did all the work and heavy lifting not even knowing if she really still loved me after her affair ended. Gradually as the fog lifted her feelings returned and we did reconcile. But the woman I married, the woman I saw as my wife never returned because she never existed in the first place.

The woman who cheated on me died when the fog lifted. That woman was a persona that my wife created to justify her affair. The woman I reconciled with is 10X the woman I married. She is stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more intelligent than the woman I was happy with for the first 10 years of our marriage.

I guess it all depends on whether the wayward spouse wants to truly work at repairing the incredible amount of damage they caused. Not every person has the strength to really look at themselves and see the ugliness inside. And we all have ugliness as well as beauty. If you can't see yourself for who you really are you can't really love yourself and if you can't love yourself you can't love anyone else.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Time. Time doesn't cure but it does heal.


I would have to disagree, time in and of itself does nothing..It's been in excess of a year now and I would say that I am probably worse off emotionally or in an emotionally less healthy state than when I found out..Generally bitter, uncaring, I don't give an F attitude, do my own thing, vacation by myself and the thought of intercourse with that skagg makes me want to vomit. I think that each person is different in that the F'd over has to be willing to emasculate themselves and become the whipping boy and take the betrayer back.. So time I suppose is just as likely to heal as it is to let things fester and become putrid.



Beowulf said:


> The woman I reconciled with is 10X the woman I married. She is stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more intelligent than the woman I was happy with for the first 10 years of our marriage.


I see this different..

"The woman I reconciled with is 10X the woman I married. She is acting out of guilt so she became stronger, she does not want to become homeless and enjoys her current financial level so accordingly she acts loving, and more compassionate. She also proved to be a skilled liar and manipulator so by default I learned she is more intelligent than the woman I was happy with for the first 10 years of our marriage."

Not trying to miff you but that is my take on what you said.. you can NEVER trust the motives of a cheater again... NEVER, well unless of course you want to get ****ed over again,, then go for it...


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

After typing that it got me thinking, and I am so pissed now...like wanna choke a woman pissed.. I know she is gonna have to steer clear of me for the rest of the day.. that's the power that this beast has over folks... just thinking about it years down the road can make you so damn mad... like get to the house and jump down her throat for the smallest infraction.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Bandit said:


> I would have to disagree, time in and of itself does nothing..It's been in excess of a year now and I would say that I am probably worse off emotionally or in an emotionally less healthy state than when I found out..Generally bitter, uncaring, I don't give an F attitude, do my own thing, vacation by myself and the thought of intercourse with that skagg makes me want to vomit. I think that each person is different in that the F'd over has to be willing to emasculate themselves and become the whipping boy and take the betrayer back.. So time I suppose is just as likely to heal as it is to let things fester and become putrid.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I understand your anger. I was there. I verbally and emotionally abused my wife just a few months into R. I had so much anger and resentment and pain. Oh the pain was incredible. So much so I still remember all these years later. But it has been 20 years since D-Day for us. I remember the pain but I no longer feel its effects. And you are right about a cheater and trusting again. That's why we both put so many checks and balances in place to prevent this type of thing from happening again. But it takes two people both willing and able to work at it to succeed. It sounds like you aren't able to get beyond the betrayal. I can sympathize because there were many days that I didn't think I could. Even more days that I didn't want to try. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. If you can't trust again frankly I don't blame you at all. The feelings are almost indescribable. And if your spouse isn't over the top remorseful and willing to bend over backwards as well it just won't work. I'm sorry you're going through this. A year is a long time to feel what you are obviously still feeling. I hope you eventually make peace with this. You deserve better.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

Truth is, it is never over! Peace does not come. It is simply managed - you never get over it. I know after twelve long years it still haunts my nights.

Work on it and support him all the while. This is for him, not you I'm afraid.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

It is possible for your husband to fall in love with you again, but it will depend on him. It sounds like you're doing the right things by trying to reconnect with him and being transparent. You'll need to be transparent for the rest of your life.

The others are right that his view of you is different and it will never be the same. How this all turns out, though, will depend on both of you.

My husband had an affair and I fell out of love with him for a time. I believe that love is really a choice, though, and I chose to do the things that made me feel loving toward him.

He did his part by being transparent and loving and communicating with me. I also tried to not dwell on the details of his affair but tried to work through why it happened.

Both of us made changes to make our marriage work. Even though I was the one betrayed, I still believed I needed to change who I was in our marriage. I wasn't responsible for his decision to cheat - he owned that completely - but I was responsible for my shortcomings and I wanted to be a better wife after the affair than I was before it.

Our marriage is stronger now than it was before the affair. That happened because of commitment and dedication with some patience.

At this point, I think it's up to your H and what he is able to do.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

I just want to say that the "getting over it" part can happen. Maybe this is just semantics, but I know that I'm over my husband's affair.

I don't think about it every day. There are times I do think of it, but definitely not every day. I remember the pain, but not in a way that sets me back. 

I owe it to myself to not allow this event to keep holding me back and keeping me from happiness with him. 

I will never forget about it because forgetting means that you can let your guard down and it could happen again. But that's not the same as not getting over it.

My husband's affair lasted for over a year. He broke NC twice and we almost divorced the last time he broke NC. It's been 5 years since I confronted him about his affair and 4 and a half years since his last contact with the OW.

I write this as hope for those who think they will never be able to get over it - or what ever terminology you want to use. I am proof that it really can happen.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I understand your anger. I was there. I verbally and emotionally abused my wife just a few months into R. I had so much anger and resentment and pain. Oh the pain was incredible. So much so I still remember all these years later. But it has been 20 years since D-Day for us. I remember the pain but I no longer feel its effects. And you are right about a cheater and trusting again. That's why we both put so many checks and balances in place to prevent this type of thing from happening again. But it takes two people both willing and able to work at it to succeed. It sounds like you aren't able to get beyond the betrayal. I can sympathize because there were many days that I didn't think I could. Even more days that I didn't want to try. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. If you can't trust again frankly I don't blame you at all. The feelings are almost indescribable. And if your spouse isn't over the top remorseful and willing to bend over backwards as well it just won't work. I'm sorry you're going through this. A year is a long time to feel what you are obviously still feeling. I hope you eventually make peace with this. You deserve better.


We deserve what we get...but thank you for this and yes we are all different but I suppose I have learned to use the anger as a crutch to avoid feeling anything else.. If I stay mad enough, then there is no room for anything else to creep in..


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