# Single for six years



## 354922

I was legally divorced at 57. I’m 63 now, love being single and would also enjoy sharing my life with a man again. Unfortunately, despite everything from therapy to new friends and hobbies, I love my ex husband. I’ve loved him for thirty years. He betrayed our marriage many times, is now living with a much younger woman (I know, sooo sterotypical) from Turkey. I divorced him and am glad I did, but spend too much time having to fend off dreams of a reconciliation. I’m fine with loving him, but to dream of reconciliation seems very unhealthy. My therapist would agree, I’m sure. My friends and family would, too. My ex husband and I know each other so well, and shared many beautiful years together. We built so much together. Friends and family are great, but there’s so much I only shared with him. The death of our marriage ripped away so much that I treasured.


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## TJW

knappp said:


> to dream of reconciliation seems very unhealthy.


It is most likely in your best interests to put aside this dream. You should be glad you are divorced from this turkey and Miss Turkey. You are better off being single, if you love being single. One thing none of us want is to have to answer to someone else for how we run our lives.

If you want to share your life with a man again, find a good one. There are many men in your age group who find themselves single again. Some of them are widowers and are not carrying "baggage".


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## Diana7

I wonder if this is why so many people remain single after their marriage ends or they get widowed, because they never really get over their former spouse. Yes you shared a lot but his repeated betrayals and lying shows that he wasn't a man with good morals or character. 

It's possible that meeting another guy will help you get past him, on the other hand you may struggle if you still love your husband.


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## 354922

TJW said:


> It is most likely in your best interests to put aside this dream. You should be glad you are divorced from this turkey and Miss Turkey. You are better off being single, if you love being single. One thing none of us want is to have to answer to someone else for how we run our lives.
> 
> If you want to share your life with a man again, find a good one. There are many men in your age group who find themselves single again. Some of them are widowers and are not carrying "baggage".


Yes, it is in my best interests to put aside this dream. Okay, how? I keep myself SO busy, but still often want to share with him. I push the thoughts aside as well as I can. Practice makes perfect, but……six years?! Enough already!


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## SunCMars

knappp said:


> Yes, it is in my best interests to put aside this dream. Okay, how? I keep myself SO busy, but still often want to share with him. I push the thoughts aside as well as I can. Practice makes perfect, but……six years?! Enough already!


You need to capture a man who captivates you.
A one-woman man.

Stay away from long-divorced, long-single men. They are likely to be, too comfortable being alone. 
Plus, they will be set in their ways.
They may only use you for their own needs, that booty-call, greed.

Find a man who is needy, but not greedy with that need.

Yes, those men who are somewhat dependent on women, and not overly self-centered, or selfish.
And, certainly not a lazy slug.


What I have written is a bunch of words of advice and not a path to finding such a man.

You will find one (such man) if you make a concerted effort, and not wait on fickle fate to save the day.

Regularly date,* healthy* men, men your own age or a little older.

You will have better luck with an older man.
A man who wants a younger, healthy woman.


_Mabel-_


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## 354922

TJW said:


> It is most likely in your best interests to put aside this dream. You should be glad you are divorced from this turkey and Miss Turkey. You are better off being single, if you love being single. One thing none of us want is to have to answer to someone else for how we run our lives.
> 
> If you want to share your life with a man again, find a good one. There are many men in your age group who find themselves single again. Some of them are widowers and are not carrying "baggage".


Turkey/Miss Turkey, lol.


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## Openminded

I was married for 45 years to a serial cheater. I wouldn’t have for a minute considered reconciling after we divorced. I think you need to find a new therapist who can better help you move on. I totally love my post-divorce life and you can love yours too. Start today.


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## TexasMom1216

You're pining for a person who doesn't exist. The real man is the one who cheated on you, betrayed you and is now shacked up with a younger woman upon whom he is very likely also cheating. You're in love with a fairy tale, not a real person. So reconciliation is impossible, because you can't have a relationship with someone who isn't real.

I agree that you need a new therapist.


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## 354922

TJW said:


> It is most likely in your best interests to put aside this dream. You should be glad you are divorced from this turkey and Miss Turkey. You are better off being single, if you love being single. One thing none of us want is to have to answer to someone else for how we run our lives.
> 
> If you want to share your life with a man again, find a good one. There are many men in your age group who find themselves single again. Some of them are widowers and are not carrying "baggage".


Been there. A year and a half, good guy though incredibly clingy. I want to share my life with someone again, but I have no interest in living with anyone.


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## 354922

TexasMom1216 said:


> You're pining for a person who doesn't exist. The real man is the one who cheated on you, betrayed you and is now shacked up with a younger woman upon whom he is very likely also cheating. You're in love with a fairy tale, not a real person. So reconciliation is impossible, because you can't have a relationship with someone who isn't real.
> 
> I agree that you need a new therapist.


 I understand what you’re saying, and I divorced him because of the lies. But for the first fifteen years, it was an incredibly strong relationship and I was very happy. 


Did someone say I need a new therapist?! I’ve had three in the last eight years, CBT is helping a lot. More here for general support, as I’m considering dating again.


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## Openminded

Yeah, I said you need a new therapist because you really shouldn’t still be thinking about reconciliation at this point.


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## TexasMom1216

knappp said:


> Did someone say I need a new therapist?! I’ve had three in the last eight years, CBT is helping a lot.


If you're not moving on, that could potentially be an issue with your therapist. If you don't feel it is, of course you are going to know better than internet strangers.


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## 354922

Openminded said:


> Yeah, I said you need a new therapist because you really shouldn’t still be thinking about reconciliation at this point.


My therapist agrees that I shouldn’t be thinking about reconciliation…..part of why I’m working with her.


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## Diana7

knappp said:


> Been there. A year and a half, good guy though incredibly clingy. I want to share my life with someone again, but I have no interest in living with anyone.


As long as you make that clear early on.


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## Diana7

knappp said:


> I understand what you’re saying, and I divorced him because of the lies. But for the first fifteen years, it was an incredibly strong relationship and I was very happy.
> 
> 
> Did someone say I need a new therapist?! I’ve had three in the last eight years, CBT is helping a lot. More here for general support, as I’m considering dating again.


When did all the cheating start?


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## 354922

Diana7 said:


> As long as you make that clear early on.
> 
> 
> Yes! Very important…..it’s part of my first date/about me list.


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## 354922

Diana7 said:


> When did all the cheating start?


It started sixteen years into our life together.


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## Evinrude58

knappp said:


> Been there. A year and a half, good guy though incredibly clingy. I want to share my life with someone again, but I have no interest in living with anyone.


There are guys that would go for that….. raiding hand….😋


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## oldshirt

knappp said:


> I want to share my life with someone again, but I have no interest in living with anyone.





Evinrude58 said:


> There are guys that would go for that….. raiding hand….😋


And me to that list as well. 

I am 58 and although I am married now, if I were to get divorced or widowed or something, I doubt if I would remarry or cohabitate or anything. 

I would want to share my awesome life with someone. I would even be OK with that being an exclusive, committed relationship, but I have ZERO interest in raising kids again and don't see myself ever having any deep desire to be picking out new living room furniture or bedroom sets or doing any new landscaping in the yard either so I do not see any major reason to cohabitate with anyone either. 

I would be fine having an overnight guest on a somewhat regular basis and I would be gracious over night guest myself if the spirit were to move us both. 

But live with someone indefinately?? I would probably pass on that and enjoy my domestic independence.


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## BigDaddyNY

knappp said:


> I was legally divorced at 57. I’m 63 now, love being single and would also enjoy sharing my life with a man again. Unfortunately, despite everything from therapy to new friends and hobbies, I love my ex husband. I’ve loved him for thirty years. He betrayed our marriage many times, is now living with a much younger woman (I know, sooo sterotypical) from Turkey. I divorced him and am glad I did, but spend too much time having to fend off dreams of a reconciliation. I’m fine with loving him, but to dream of reconciliation seems very unhealthy. My therapist would agree, I’m sure. My friends and family would, too. My ex husband and I know each other so well, and shared many beautiful years together. We built so much together. Friends and family are great, but there’s so much I only shared with him. The death of our marriage ripped away so much that I treasured.


I noticed in another thread you said you have a married lover that is polyamorous. Do I take that to mean you are still sexually active, but now you are considering a full relationship with someone else? Did you have an open marriage with your husband?


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## 354922

BigDaddyNY said:


> I noticed in another thread you said you have a married lover that is polyamorous. Do I take that to mean you are still sexually active, but now you are considering a full relationship with someone else? Did you have an open marriage with your husband?


Yes, I’m sexually active (with that one person), Yes I’m considering a full relationship with someone else, No I didn’t have an open relationship with my husband.


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## jlg07

knappp said:


> My ex husband and I know each other so well, and shared many beautiful years together.


I would say this to you -- since he cheated, you really DID NOT know the "real" him all that well. You have an image of him that you know. Maybe that is 90% of who he is, but in reality, you DO NOT know him -- you still pine for that image of who you thought he was.
You need to get rid of the rose colored glasses and see him for the cheater he REALLY is. Stop idealizing him.


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## 354922

jlg07 said:


> I would say this to you -- since he cheated, you really DID NOT know the "real" him all that well. You have an image of him that you know. Maybe that is 90% of who he is, but in reality, you DO NOT know him -- you still pine for that image of who you thought he was.
> You need to get rid of the rose colored glasses and see him for the cheater he REALLY is. Stop idealizing him.


Jeez, so much judgement here! I never expect to know anyone 100 percent. 90 percent knowledge is awesome! 

Part of my image of my ex husband is that he is not completely honest, even with himself. He’s real, as I am. His girlfriend, our family, we are all real people.

I hope I haven’t given anyone the idea that I am just a victim.


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## jlg07

My point is that you are still pining for your ex when you KNOW he is a serial cheater and was NOT the person you thought he was. Not sure why you would miss that...

Let me change the percentages -- you only knew 50% of him -- does that make it better?


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## Marc878

knappp said:


> Yes, it is in my best interests to put aside this dream. Okay, how? I keep myself SO busy, but still often want to share with him. I push the thoughts aside as well as I can. Practice makes perfect, but……six years?! Enough already!


If you haven’t cut contact do so. All that does is keep you bound. It doesn’t matter if you have kids together. Don’t use that as an excuse. No contact is up to you. No one else gets a say in that. Including kids.


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## Diana7

BigDaddyNY said:


> I noticed in another thread you said you have a married lover that is polyamorous. Do I take that to mean you are still sexually active, but now you are considering a full relationship with someone else? Did you have an open marriage with your husband?


Ok, that sort of changes things. Didn't realise that OP was in a relationship with a married guy.


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## 354922

Marc878 said:


> If you haven’t cut contact do so. All that does is keep you bound. It doesn’t matter if you have kids together. Don’t use that as an excuse. No contact is up to you. No one else gets a say in that. Including kids.


There is absolutely no contact.


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## 354922

jlg07 said:


> My point is that you are still pining for your ex when you KNOW he is a serial cheater and was NOT the person you thought he was. Not sure why you would miss that...
> 
> Let me change the percentages -- you only knew 50% of him -- does that make it better?


LOL, it’s fine. I didn’t miss anything, hon. I’m a realist. I’m not pining so much as curious and open. Been around a long time and have seen a lot of ”impossible” things happen.


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## oldshirt

You seem like a mindful person that actually thinks about and contemplates things. 

My suggestion is to contemplate what your Return On Investment (ROI) is.

What is your ROI for the time and energy you spend thinking about reconciliation? What has that gotten you?

What is your ROI on your married FWB? 

What do you think your ROI would be if you started dating?

Which path will provide you the best ROI for your time and efforts?


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