# husband ignores my attempts to improve marriage...



## lost'nconfused (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm not exactly sure where to start or how to pinpoint the biggest issue of my marriage. It all seems so complicated with us, when it shouldn’t be at all. My husband and I both aren't very good at communicating and that's why there are so many unresolved issues, which have been swept under the rug and ignored for years. Every now and then one of us sees that things can't just be ignored and we try to talk but never really take any action to change things. It will be ok for a few weeks, but then we get sucked back into the same old routines again. We both haven’t been very happy in the last two years or so, but I guess we kept on hoping that things will eventually go back to “normal” somehow. I think I have ruined my marriage… well, let me explain. I think I never really got over the fact, that I can’t have children and never really talked to anyone about it. My husband knew about this before we got married, but like I said we never really talked about how that makes me feel. As long as my career was more important to me it didn’t really bother me THAT much, but in the last two years or so, it’s been on my mind constantly. I started hating myself and my body for doing that to me. In turn I completely withdrew myself from my husband, didn’t want sex and kept on pushing him away. I didn’t even want to hug him anymore, because that leads to kissing…making out… sex… and how am I supposed to give myself to him, when I hate my own body like that? He somehow accepted that there wasn’t as much intimacy as he’d like but also quit showing me, that he does love me and that we can get through this. In the last year we were more like roommates, every now and then we’d both make an effort and try to improve things, but it never lasts. Now my current dilemma:
My husband is in the military and currently deployed. He went through one month of training before that and I got to see him for one day, after that before he had to leave for his assignment. Before he left I thought this time apart might be good for us and can give us a fresh start when he gets back. During his training he did not call me once, he’d write short emails to me, but that was it. On the evening that I got to see him I felt and saw that something was wrong. He realized that I noticed he wasn’t wearing his ring and told me that it somehow became too loose and he almost lost it a couple of times in the last weeks. I tried to tell him that it really hurts me because it sends me the signal that he doesn’t really want to be in this marriage anymore, but he kept insisting that this was not the case. We also talked about how it bothered me that he hasn’t called me once for the month he’s been gone… I guess they did really keep the guys busy during the training, but I know that he called his parents at least twice during that time. This is not the first deployment we’re going through. He’s been to combat zones and still found a way to call and let me know he’s ok. So I did a VERY dumb thing… I told him that I see that he wasn’t happy with the way things are between us lately and that maybe he would be better off without me. I’m not sure what possessed me to do that and I regret it so much. I guess, in a twisted way, I was hoping for him to tell me that he does love me and that I’m the only one that can make him happy and that we will get through this. 
A couple of days after he left, we were chatting and he told me that what I said really hurt him and that he had some time to think about everything now and that he is not sure if he can give us another chance. That he is not sure, if he can take it again if things won’t change. That is when I realized that I do need to take action and work on my issues. I want us to be happy again and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I scheduled an appointment with a Counselor on base here (in two days) and did a lot of soul searching. This “depression” about my infertility isn’t my only issue. I have serious problems in trusting people. Thus, I don’t really have any friends. I have told my husband that I realize, that my behavior was really hurting him and that I see that I need to get some help to overcome my problems and if he would be willing to go to couples therapy with me when he gets back, so we can try to improve the communication. Well, he said that right now he doesn’t want to talk about it and just think about what he wants to do. So I decided to give him time to think and did not contact him anymore. No more emails apologizing for my behavior or begging him to give us another chance. I told him though, that I’d focus on myself and try to work through my problems. We still chat online, he still tells me he loves me, but as soon as I bring up the topic of trying to make things work again, he shuts down. Sometimes he’ll ignore me for the rest of the day or just start to talk about something else. I am very determined to actually work on my problems now. I read books about relationships and am learning to show my feelings. But I’m not sure how much good that will do, if he’s not willing to do anything for our marriage anymore. What am I supposed to make of his behavior? I’m worried, that maybe he’s not telling me everything. That maybe he’s starting to develop some feelings for someone else and doesn’t want to tell me. I do believe that he loves me, otherwise he wouldn’t have put up with all my issues for that long already. But maybe it’s just not enough anymore.. But how am I supposed to show him, that I am working on myself, if he’s not around and doesn’t want to talk about it?


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

In order to improve your situation I would suggest two things for both you and your partner: 

1. Get informed on the basic skills of building a balanced long term relationship.
2. Diligently practice those skills to form the healthy habits necessary for long term success.

More specifically in your case you need to focus on the communication skills with men. Chances are your husband is not emotionally willing to discuss his feelings which is normal among men and similarly as a woman you think that you need him to share feelings to resolve things which again for a man is not true. It is true for a woman. 

In order to improve your current situation firstly if he is in the same house as you have sex with him daily including a blow job. 

Secondly, and this applies if he is far away too, you need to develop the skill of communicating to him in a way that shows respect, trust and appreciation. This is what a man desperately needs from his partner. 

Many people think that somehow instinctively we will be able to respond to our partner's needs and that is a common dangerous misconception. 

As such getting informed of such basic differences between men and women and how to handle common challenges is a critical skill. He can learn and be motivated to show you the kind of affection you want and you can learn to support him emotionally the way he wants. The key aspect is learning as instinctively we offer what we would like to receive.

Please keep in mind that understanding such concepts is not enough. Similarly to going to the gym you need to persevere in practicing these habits to bring about positive long term change.

As to where to start, a very good materials is "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I will also list here for your references the 4 areas a woman and 4 areas a man needs to cover in a balanced relationship:

*Motherly
*
A woman needs to be like a mother in a relationship. A good mother takes care of her children, she is patient loving and forgiving. If a father is the pillar the mother is the foundation and together they stand up. 

*Partner*

Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.

*Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6. 
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him. 
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill 
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior. 
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks

*Eager and diverse lover*

You are eager to make love to him often and to please him in bed searching for different ways to do so. You like diversity and like to experience the full spectrum of intimacy with him.


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