# Confused...please help



## craigmackd (Jun 16, 2014)

Hello all. I have been married for 12 years, to my high school girlfriend. We have two beautiful children, ages 9 and 5. I have always been faithful to my wife, until about 6 months ago. After years of arguing about money, parenting styles, etc, I fell out of love with my wife. We seem to talk only to argue, and I feel like the guy who just pays the bills and not much else. Then, I meet a woman who is married but divorcing. She is everything I could hope for in a partner and makes me feel happy. We talk, constantly. Eventually, the inevitable happens, and I fall in love. Her divorce goes through, and our affair continues. I am still on the fence about what to do, because my wife has an illness and needs my health insurance. She would also have to move and get a full time job to support the kids. I feel alot of guilt but do not get along with her anymore. She wants nothing to do with the divorce, and is willing to work on it, but I am just not there emotionally anymore, and could totally see myself with someone else. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

A lot of people have an apiphany and suddenly realise how bad their relationship was when they meet someone and have an affair. If you had never met her, you would probably describe your relationship differently. 

Your wife deserves better then you. You made vows to her and made no real effort to improve your relationship. 

Instead of turning towards your wife when you found another woman attractive, you kept indulging to feed your ego, to make you feel excited. A new relationship is always more exciting, however imagine how your marraige could have been if you put the energy into your marraige.


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## peacenlove (Jun 16, 2014)

Hi confused..loving someone is a decision to make..not a feeling..you can love your wife again. But you have to stop the affair. And you have to try counselling immediately. I understand your need to feel loved and appreciated. But affairs are not the way to go about it. The love you feel now for the other woman; is the "honeymoon" phase, its new and exciting. This doesn't last, if you were to leave your wife. Real life will set in, there will be bills to argue about, etc. Try hard with your wife first. There are children to think about first. If you both work hard on you marriage, you can be happy again. Trust me on this. If you both try hard thru counselling; and it doesn't work...then you know what to do. But at least you will have given it your all. Don't give up yet. Good luck. But you have to stop the affair..and don't tell your wife about it. This will cause her unforgettable and unimaginable pain. Women have very long memories.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

What you describe that you feel with the other woman is a high that everyone gets when they're first in a relationship with someone.

After a while, the brain stops releasing those chemicals and you don't feel that high anymore. 

What you describe isn't "being in love." It's infatuation.

If you want to honestly work on your marriage and fall back in love with your wife, you *MUST* *MUST* cut off ALL contact with the OW. 

Rip off the band aid instantly and never ever contact her again. Permanent no contact.

Get yourself into MC and IC.


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## TryingTilda (Apr 21, 2014)

I disagree with first 3 posts. Your wife sounds selfish and unwilling to work on herself leaving you miserable. It takes two people to make a happy relationship. It would have been a better situation had you dealt with her lousy behavior toward you before you met the other woman. I would take it step by step if I were you.
I don't agree that the new woman is just a high, but you do need to take the right steps to get to know each other more. Maybe she is the one for you!
As hard as it seems, you might have to be honest and separate so you can work on getting to know her more yet provide for your wife. I feel bad for people caught in this situation.
I've been dealing with something similar for 3 years. I have juggled 2 people in my life, gotten counseling and been as honest as I can with myself and with my husband. It's not easy, but I am taking care of MYSELF and my needs first. Eventually things will work out. Your affair isn't just a selfish act. I think you tried and you are in pain. Keep posting, praying and reading etc.
You will probably get a lot of haters that think you are supposed to stay miserable...just ignore them.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I smell...cake


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

TryingTilda said:


> I disagree with first 3 posts. Your wife sounds selfish and unwilling to work on herself leaving you miserable. It takes two people to make a happy relationship. It would have been a better situation had you dealt with her lousy behavior toward you before you met the other woman. I would take it step by step if I were you.
> I don't agree that the new woman is just a high, but you do need to take the right steps to get to know each other more. *Maybe she is the one for you!*
> As hard as it seems, you might have to be honest and separate so you can work on getting to know her more yet provide for your wife. I feel bad for people caught in this situation.
> I've been dealing with something similar for 3 years. I have *juggled 2 people in my life*, gotten counseling and *been as honest as I can with myself and with my husband. It's not easy, but I am taking care of MYSELF and my needs first.* Eventually things will work out. Your affair isn't just a selfish act. I think you tried and you are in pain. Keep posting, praying and reading etc.
> You will probably get a lot of haters that think you are supposed to stay miserable...just ignore them.


It's never easy...


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