# I Cheated on My Husband...



## Ditajr

Over 2 years ago, I cheated on my husband. We stayed together. Great, right? No, he hasn't kissed me or told me he has loved me since. We have sex. But that's it. I don't know how much more I can take.


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## jessi

Hi, 
I'm sorry your husband has taken this approach, he is still not ready to totally forgive you for stepping outside the marriage.
Have you told him how you are feeling because of his actions? Maybe you push him a little and tell him that if he can't forgive you then maybe it's not going to work between the two of you. Or I suppose you might need to understand that because of your situation it may never be like it used to be....he is protection mode now, make him believe with everything in you that this will never happen again, sooner or later he will believe and respond like he used to.......I know it hurts but hang in there, there must have been something strong between you in order for him to stay.....good luck


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## Ditajr

It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.


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## Sven

I found this helpful.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


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## Ditajr

I should also point out that he seems to think there is no problem with the way he is acting. I can see 6 months to a year...taking time to deal with what happened. But seriously, we are talking over 2 years. Why is sex ok, but kissing isn't? Why can't he even say "I love you"?...it's like he is picking and choosing what he thinks will hurt me the most.


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## michzz

Time is not a healer of infidelity, nor is no apparent expression of remorse or explanation of why you cheated.

You really need to stop and think about what you have done and actively work on repairing the rift.

Stop looking to HIM to fix what you did.


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## Ditajr

I don't have to express remorse or explain myself on here. Obviously, him and I have had many talks about that type of thing. And I have done my hardest for the past couple of years to prove myself and to try and repair things. Did I say that I am thinking he is the one who has to fix it? No. I am saying that he isn't making it easy for me to want to stick around for any longer because he can't seem to even attempt to get past this.


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## michzz

Based on what you wrote I wrote what I did.

You really need the intervention of a trained, professional marriage counselor that you both see to find a way past this rift.

I will say though, don't be so defensive. It points towards excusemaking.

and if you don't want suggestions or commentary, what is it you want out of posting here? Hand patting?


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## Ditajr

I'm not being being defensive and I am certainly not making excuses. It seems that you assumed some things before you responded. I do want opinions and suggestions, but what I am not looking for is for all the blame to be put on me and have someone point fingers and say "YOU YOU YOU"...I know what I did was wrong and hurtful. I have had my husband and plenty of other people tell me this for the past how many years and frankly, I am sick of it. Neutral advice is what I want, not somone telling me that this is my fault and I have to do everything to fix it.


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## Sven

Dit, are you like this with your husband? It's obvious you are hurt. My wife cheated on me and I think the single toughest issue is getting HER to heal.

You say you're not looking for suggestions, but you'll get some. Mine are: Seek professional help for BOTH of you. I cannot stress this enough....also, feel free the spill every little thought and detail here on the forums. I've found this place to be a fantastic way to just unload the hurt and everyone here understands.


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## Amplexor

Your husband acts as he does because likely he has not forgiven yet. Forgiveness is both divine and difficult. How did he find out, did he discover it or did you come clean? 

I agree with mitchzz that if he is unable to move forward after this long then outside professional assistance is needed. There is likely there are underlying feelings or thoughts he has not shared with you.

As far as the sex vs. kissing. Sex is only a physically act to him at this point, not an emotional bonding. There is a difference between f***ing your spouse and making love to them. Kissing you and telling you he loves you is an emotional function.

Finally, how is the rest of your marriage. Communication, decision making, spending time alone as a couple, physical intimacy? Do you function as a married couple or roommates. And do you feel he is keeping the affair as a trump card to continue to punish you?


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## Ditajr

Amplexor said:


> Your husband acts as he does because likely he has not forgiven yet. Forgiveness is both divine and difficult. How did he find out, did he discover it or did you come clean?
> 
> I agree with mitchzz that if he is unable to move forward after this long then outside professional assistance is needed. There is likely there are underlying feelings or thoughts he has not shared with you.
> 
> As far as the sex vs. kissing. Sex is only a physically act to him at this point, not an emotional bonding. There is a difference between f***ing your spouse and making love to them. Kissing you and telling you he loves you is an emotional function.
> 
> Finally, how is the rest of your marriage. Communication, decision making, spending time alone as a couple, physical intimacy? Do you function as a married couple or roommates. And do you feel he is keeping the affair as a trump card to continue to punish you?



He found out because the other guy told him. 

As far as talking to a professional, he refuses. He won't even talk to me about it when I bring it up, much less will he talk to someone else. He literally will just ignore me or say "not now" whenever I try to bring it up. 

My husband isn't the kind of person to have sex just to have it. Believe me, he has proven that before. Even before we started dating, that was a big thing with him, that he would never have sex with someone that he doesn't love. We have gone for 6 months without doing anything and it didn't seem to bother him.

You ask if we function as a married couple...that's kind of hard to answer because to me the kissing and the "I love you's" are a big part of what I would consider functioning properly as a married couple. We go out to dinner, we go to bars, we spend nights together minus the child, we don't really argue about much else other than normal everyday stuff like he needs to change the litter box, don't go to Dunkin Donuts every morning when there is plenty to eat at home, that he doesn't appreciate all that I do around the house...you know, stupid stuff like that. The only major fights we ever have are about how I feel that since all this happened, that we have gotten absolutely nowhere and at this point, I don't know if we ever will. 

I'm only 23 years old. I don't want to waste what could be the best years for me and my daughter on someone who doesn't appreciate anything I do or any effort I make. I do feel like a roommate sometimes. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I work 40 hours a week (as does he)...but in the end, all I get out of it is cleaning up the dinner dishes, coming home at 9pm from work and finding the house a mess, and occasionally, we have sex, which I am the one ALWAYS making the first move. I don't get what I really want from this marriage, which I think are some of the more simple things to do. I don't want a million dollars, I don't want a fancy house or car. I just want him to say he loves me. And I can't get that unless I force it out of him. 

Oh, and btw, Thursday is our 4 year wedding anniversary. Let's see how well that goes.


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## Sven

You have to force him to counselling. His unwillingnes to go is a wall.


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## Ditajr

Yeah, tell me about it. I can't drug him, throw him in the car, and take him there. He is an adult. He can make that choice on his own.


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## Amplexor

Ditajr said:


> I don't get what I really want from this marriage, which I think are some of the more simple things to do.



I think you need to make this very clear to your husband. While I abhor that you cheated on him for whatever reason you are trying to salvage the marriage. His refusal to talk about it or seek counsel will make it impossible to recover the marriage to a satisfactory level. Perhaps a well written letter to him stating your wants and needs for you, your marriage, your child and him would get him thinking. Also the more time you can spend together as a couple will help to repair things and maybe help him open up. Make time for it. No, you don't want to live your life in an unhappy marriage but give it every effort before you throw in the towel. Reaching out here is just another step toward trying to do that, good for you. These things take time. I am well into the second year of recovery of our marriage, we are out of the woods but still have some work to do. Good luck.


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## Ditajr

I think I will try the letter thing, though I doubt it gets me too far. I just feel like 2+ years is plenty of time for us to be on the right track by now.


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## Sven

Ditajr said:


> Yeah, tell me about it. I can't drug him, throw him in the car, and take him there. He is an adult. He can make that choice on his own.


The letter is a good idea, but it's a half-measure.

I'm referring to divorce.

Get a lawyer. Tell him counselling is the only chance to save the marriage if he is interested, or you're pulling the plug.

If you don't, he'll just keep dragging you along and you will be 25, then 27, then 29 and so on....


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## Ditajr

As many times as I say I am fed up and I am going to leave, I don't think I could ever do it. He would have to leave me, which I constantly tell him he should just do and get it over with, but he refuses. Lawyers cost money, that's a very expensive threat.


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## michzz

I know what I write bothers you, but I'll do it anyway.

It just seems to me that the price of what you did is to have far more patience than you seem to have. A sense of humility and empathy seems lacking.

Are there problems in your marriage? No doubt of that.

Should you twist in the wind forever? No.

What do you owe him?

A real attempt to fix things. He's wounded and not reacting well to what you did.

You wounded and are not reacting well to what you did either.

It is really unfair that a lot of times the person betrayed has to be the one to step up and fix things. Some are not able to rise up out of their pain and do so.

On some level you seem motivate to try to fix things, but only if you get to complain of him and you get validation of your complaints of him.

If I were you, I would seek professional help both with him and by yourself and try a real attempt to fix things. If he won't go, then go without him to get this started. 

Whatever your troubles were before you cheated cannot even be addressed yet, the cheating complicated things enormously, destroying trust and causing pain. The other issues can't be addressed until this is worked through to the satisfaction of both you and your husband.

But being fed up with him for his lack of getting over your affair is not the way to fix it.


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## Ditajr

You just seem to have an answer for everything, don't you? I am fed up because it's not like it is 2 days later, it's years later and we have gotten nowhere. Have you paid attention to that fact? I have not once said that it is his responsibility entirely to fix things. What I am saying is he seems content with living how we are and not seeking professional help or anything of that sort. I do what I can, but I need him to help a little. Just as you say he can't fix everything, neither can I. Don't assume I haven't made a real attempt to fix things, because I have. Over and over again and it gets me nowhere. 

As far as me going to a shrink on my own, I don't even think he would let me do that. I am not allowed to do anything unless he is there. Yet he won't do the therapy thing. So it's a cycle.


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## michzz

If you found a way to make time to cheat it is a far easier thing to find a way to seek professional counseling.

You being frustrated that it has been years is merely an expression of your frustration, not of really resolving things.

Two years can be hardly any time at all for someone wounded by infidelity--especially if they avoid getting help. There is nothing magical about the passage of time.

The difference between yourself and your husband is pretty basic. You know every detail of what transpired and your mindset both then and now. 

He doesn't know any of that. He doesn't trust you.

I really do think you should do what it takes to seek professional help.


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## AZMOMOFTWO

Ditajr said:


> It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.


I seriously doubt that! You think the way he is treating you now is worse than being cheated on? Sorry you have no idea what its like to be cheated on. Its likely this attitude that has him put up the barriers which you may now never get past. Everyone heals at a different rate and your attitude seems to be you either are or are not going to get over it and hey what I did was wrong but you are WORSE. If I were in your H's shoes, I would have left you. 

Sorry that seems harsh but if you love him and want to work it out then you do need to hear the truth. If you don't, then simply leave. 

What have you done to help him past this? Did he discover the affair or did you confess? Have you been completely open and honest with him. Did he have a lot of questions, did you answer them truthfully? If he's worth it to you then I would suggest that you do some things to reignite the love that you once both felt for each other. Plan a date night, a surprise, something he would like that is romantic. Don't talk about your troubles, no pressure just for fun. Do this once a week or if finance/timing doesn't allow that then at least every 2 weeks. Make him see you are committed to this marriage. It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to do it again and testing your commitment.


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## cody5

OK. I'll be the first to admit that compared to what most of you have gone through, I'm a big, fat p.u.s.s.y for hanging around the "coping" section. But unless there's some kind of rule that a cheater can't be forgiven and a marriage can't be salvaged, you all need to cut her some slack and give her the advice she seeks. 

I'll even be willing to take some of the heat by suggesting that SHE needs to get tough with HIM. She needs to lay down the law. 

"Somethng terrible happened in our marriage, I am to blame, and I take full responsibility. And I am SORRY. But if we can't fix it we need to cut our losses and move on. I can't do it all. Believe me, I would if I could, but it's not possible. You've got to either man-up and work with me, TOGETHER, or it ain't gonna' happen".

I think everyone's suffered enough here. I don't think they need to keep score any more. It will be unfortunate if it can't be fixed, but everyone needs to move on.

I know; easy for me to say.


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## Ditajr

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> What have you done to help him past this? Did he discover the affair or did you confess? Have you been completely open and honest with him. Did he have a lot of questions, did you answer them truthfully? If he's worth it to you then I would suggest that you do some things to reignite the love that you once both felt for each other. Plan a date night, a surprise, something he would like that is romantic. Don't talk about your troubles, no pressure just for fun. Do this once a week or if finance/timing doesn't allow that then at least every 2 weeks. Make him see you are committed to this marriage. It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to do it again and testing your commitment.


As I stated earlier, the other guy told him. Yes, he had a ton of questions and I answered them honestly. Also, as I said earlier...we do things together all the time like dates and spending time without our daughter. During that time, we don't talk about anything negative, just spend the time together. I get that just because it's been two years that he isn't just going to snap his fingers and forget it. I am saying that in two years, we have made basically no progress at all.

And...you so kindly pointed out how I found the time to cheat. During the time I cheated, my husband had moved out of our house and was living with his parents. We were technically seperated. So things were a lot different than they are now. My work schedule is different, as is his. Our daughter is in school, we are working on doing repairs to a new house before we move in...so don't assume.


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## Ditajr

LuvMyH said:


> I agree with AZMOMOFTWO. Saying that you'd rather be cheated on seems insensitive. Have you read posts on here from the people who have been hurt by infidelity? There is also a lot of forgiveness on here,and I think that has so much to do with how much remorse and patience the cheater shows their spouse. What about a romantic gesture on your part for your anniversary? How about writing new vows to renew your commitment and devotion to him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That is my personal opinion. I have been cheated on in the past and yeah, it hurt at the time. But eventually I realized my boyfriend was staying with me, didn't want to be with the other girl. Not saying I didn't think about it from time to time, but I didn't dwell on it everyday of my life and hold back on basic things that we did together. That wasn't going to get me anywhere.


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## Ditajr

cody5 said:


> OK. I'll be the first to admit that compared to what most of you have gone through, I'm a big, fat p.u.s.s.y for hanging around the "coping" section. But unless there's some kind of rule that a cheater can't be forgiven and a marriage can't be salvaged, you all need to cut her some slack and give her the advice she seeks.
> 
> I'll even be willing to take some of the heat by suggesting that SHE needs to get tough with HIM. She needs to lay down the law.
> 
> "Somethng terrible happened in our marriage, I am to blame, and I take full responsibility. And I am SORRY. But if we can't fix it we need to cut our losses and move on. I can't do it all. Believe me, I would if I could, but it's not possible. You've got to either man-up and work with me, TOGETHER, or it ain't gonna' happen".
> 
> I think everyone's suffered enough here. I don't think they need to keep score any more. It will be unfortunate if it can't be fixed, but everyone needs to move on.
> 
> I know; easy for me to say.


Thank you very much. I am glad someone is finally understanding. I didn't come here to be judged, which seems to be all I am getting besides "go get professional help"...to which I keep saying, it isn't going to happen. I don't like the idea of it, but I would go. He just flat out won't go. 

I have tried that with him a few times. Not in the beginning because that would have been very insensitive. But in the past six months or so, I will say I have said that to him a few times. Maybe the problem with this is, that as many times as I say it, I never go anywhere. 

Another big problem is that everytime we argue about anything...he brings it up! If I say you didn't take out the trash, he throws cheating in my face. If I say I want to go out to lunch with a friend, I'm not allowed because I cheated. When I go shopping with my MOTHER he makes me take a picture of her with my phone and send it to him to prove I am with her and I have to do this because I cheated. It's just not helping things. Bringing it up over and over again isn't going to get us anywhere. 

I keep telling him, if you can't start to cope with the past, how are we ever supposed to have a future? I am very careful not to use the word "deal" because I realize he shouldn't have to just deal with something like this.


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## michzz

Ditajr said:


> Another big problem is that everytime we argue about anything...he brings it up! If I say you didn't take out the trash, he throws cheating in my face. If I say I want to go out to lunch with a friend, I'm not allowed because I cheated. When I go shopping with my MOTHER he makes me take a picture of her with my phone and send it to him to prove I am with her and I have to do this because I cheated. It's just not helping things. Bringing it up over and over again isn't going to get us anywhere.


OK, a part of the problem you have with your husband is with trust. He totally mistrusts you and does not see a reason to grant you that trust again. And you do not understand his reticence. You believe yourself to be a trustworthy person despite what transpired.

So how to get past this impasse?

You have to be transparent. The kind of things you say you want to do? Visit with your mom, shopping trips with girlfriends, were those the kinds of outings you used as cover when you cheated?

It takes a huge leap of faith for someone who has been cheated on to try to trust again.

It will not help your cause to have a an attitude of annoyance about the lack of trust, nor an attitude of entitlement for it as well.

That said, if there is to be progress, you need a breakthrough. Something must occur. 

If the argument starts with the trash but ends at the affair, it is because the affair is not resolved. Your husband cannot abide being told to take out the trash by you because he see that kind of interaction as a privilege of a happy marriage and also feels like you and he have to fix this. But sadly, he doesn't know how to.

Wallowing in pain is not working for him though.

If you have to, get an appointment with a counselor, drop your kids off at your mom's and insist he go with you or it's over.

Sometimes a line in the sand is necessary.


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## Ditajr

LuvMyH said:


> I can understand how frustrating it must be to have no progress in 2 years. Is he the type of person who holds grudges and is so unforgiving in other areas of his life? I ask, because, while I'm no doormat, I'm pretty easy going and not prone to blaming others for my problems. So, that may account,in part, for my willingness to forgive my H.I still have bad days, but I love him. I also notice the bad days getting further and further apart. For him to not tell you he loves you after 2 years must hurt. I think you're going to have to demand that he sit down and try to talk it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't hold grudges elsewhere, no. At least not that I notice. He is pretty forgiving when it comes to most other things. I am going to wait til next week when our anniversary has passed and Thanksgiving is over to tell him that we really need to sit down and talk. I doubt he humors me by actually contributing much to the conversation, but I am going to try.


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## Ditajr

michzz said:


> OK, a part of the problem you have with your husband is with trust. He totally mistrusts you and does not see a reason to grant you that trust again. And you do not understand his reticence. You believe yourself to be a trustworthy person despite what transpired.
> 
> So how to get past this impasse?
> 
> You have to be transparent. The kind of things you say you want to do? Visit with your mom, shopping trips with girlfriends, were those the kinds of outings you used as cover when you cheated?
> 
> It takes a huge leap of faith for someone who has been cheated on to try to trust again.
> 
> It will not help your cause to have a an attitude of annoyance about the lack of trust, nor an attitude of entitlement for it as well.
> 
> That said, if there is to be progress, you need a breakthrough. Something must occur.
> 
> If the argument starts with the trash but ends at the affair, it is because the affair is not resolved. Your husband cannot abide being told to take out the trash by you because he see that kind of interaction as a privilege of a happy marriage and also feels like you and he have to fix this. But sadly, he doesn't know how to.
> 
> Wallowing in pain is not working for him though.
> 
> If you have to, get an appointment with a counselor, drop your kids off at your mom's and insist he go with you or it's over.
> 
> Sometimes a line in the sand is necessary.


No, these aren't things I used to use as cover when I cheated on him. Again I point out that we weren't even living together at the time. So it's a stretch in my mind to even consider it cheating, but after some thought, I decided I could call it that. I am transparent. He has my passwords, he can pick up my phone anytime he wants and look through it, I don't delete my internet history. When he asks for proof of where I am at or who I am with, I give it to him.


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## michzz

Ditajr said:


> No, these aren't things I used to use as cover when I cheated on him. Again I point out that we weren't even living together at the time. So it's a stretch in my mind to even consider it cheating, but after some thought, I decided I could call it that. I am transparent. He has my passwords, he can pick up my phone anytime he wants and look through it, I don't delete my internet history. When he asks for proof of where I am at or who I am with, I give it to him.


This is the crux of the problem. You were still married, location did not matter, the vow did.

Not to you, but apparently to him.


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## Ditajr

michzz said:


> This is the crux of the problem. You were still married, location did not matter, the vow did.
> 
> Not to you, but apparently to him.


Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.


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## michzz

Ditajr said:


> Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.


You didn't divorce. Did you have an agreement specifically that it was ok to have sex with someone else? Did he move out because you had a guy in mind?

You leave out a lot of details until pressed. Is that how you are with him?

I just really think you'd do well with a professional. I don't buy it that you can't go.


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## Ditajr

michzz said:


> You didn't divorce. Did you have an agreement specifically that it was ok to have sex with someone else? Did he move out because you had a guy in mind?
> 
> You leave out a lot of details until pressed. Is that how you are with him?
> 
> I just really think you'd do well with a professional. I don't buy it that you can't go.


No, we didn't divorce, but he moved out. We weren't together and weren't planning on getting back together. Meaning, in my opinion, that either of us had a reason not to see other people. He didn't move out because of the other guy, no. And I don't give a lot of detail because at the time, I am just trying to get out what I am thinking as quickly as possible. So yeah, sometimes I think of other things later and mention them. 

How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.


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## mr.niceguy

Ditajr

My wife decided that she wanted to explore her other options behind my back for way too long and since it started it has been 4 years and we are still working out things. Nearly a year ago I walked in on her in my bed.......Guys take this kind of thing to heart and it hurts worse than anything. 

It seems you are making a lot of excuses that I hear from my wife. She tells me that I have full access to her email and such and found she was still trying to hide things. Believe it or not guys talk and one of the biggest problems I have of getting over infidelity is that she did not make the desicion to tell me I found out every detail before she admitted to me. The best thing you can do is make a decision and stick with it! Professional help? Be kind ALL the time! Show him he is special to you that is what is helping me and my wife along.


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## Dancing Nancie

Ditajr said:


> No, we didn't divorce, but he moved out. We weren't together and weren't planning on getting back together. Meaning, in my opinion, that either of us had a reason not to see other people. He didn't move out because of the other guy, no. And I don't give a lot of detail because at the time, I am just trying to get out what I am thinking as quickly as possible. So yeah, sometimes I think of other things later and mention them.
> 
> How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.



I have been reading this thread and have meant to chime in. First I will say that on some level you have justified what you did by saying you were on a break. You have come off in this thread at not showing as much remorse or patience for the situation. This is why you are having a tough time getting the response you are lookin for from this forum. 

Ok now that is out of the way. I will tell you that my wife and I have been to counseling and struggled to pay for it, or make time for it. Yet we did because we wanted things to work out. 

I think it's time for you to sit and make a plan for what you want to happen. I do agree that 2 years is a long time to have this be held over your head, and there should be progress. What has been done up to this point to work towards healing?

Your husband seems to be stuck. I think you should tell him that you are getting the feeling that he will never trust you again, and you do want his trust back. Ask him what he needs to have happen to be able to trust you again. If he says that he will never trust you again, well then you know what you need to do. You need to start getting a plan in place so you can move forward. 

From what I have read from you I am seeing that you are focusing on the problems, and I don't hear you trying to work out much of a solution. Just from the last post you had when trying to talk about counseling, you listed a ton of reasons why you can't do it. Well I had all of those road blocks and found a way to make it happen. If you really want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen.


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## michzz

Ditajr said:


> How about this...you babysit my daughter, you tell her teacher not to give her homework that needs done, you make dinner, you do my grocery shopping, you do my laundry, you clean my house, you do my Christmas shopping and wrapping, you pay for the therapy, you work my job for me, and you knock my husband out and drag him there. Then everything will be in order for me to go get professional help.


Excuses. You don't think I know how hard it is to do EVERYTHING and then have to fix a sh!tstorm to boot?

Well, sometimes you have to let other things slide. Laundry can wait, xmas can wait, house cleaning can wait. Take a sick day at work. Find a sitter.

It's a matter of if it is important enough to you to fix it.


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## iwillsurvive

I have followed this thread from the beginning. I think the judging comes in from people not knowing the whole story obviously and reacting to your defensiveness from some of the posts. 

Plus- you are on the other side of the fence from most of us. Most of us were cheated on and it shattered our worlds. I think for me, being cheated on by my husband was MUCH worse than being cheated on by a boyfriend. To me marriage was the ultimate relationship- it didn't have an end in sight for me. It was the person I was giving EVERYTHING to- all my secrets, all my love, all my trust, etc. I was willing to have children with this man and he chose to go look find someone else and share the most intimate act with her, leaving me feeling worthless and lost. I never felt that way about any boyfriends, so while one of them cheating may have hurt, my husband cheating on me SHATTERED me. It has been 9 months since I found out and I still think about it every day. I don't well on it, and it doesn't hurt as bad, but it doesn't go away either. But I also don't punish him on a daily basis. I made a CHOICE to try and work things out, I agreed to stay married and try to build our relationship. Part of that agreement is that we get back to really being in love with each other- which takes effort on both our parts. 

All that being said, I don't think you are completely in the wrong. I do believe you are sorry and want to fix this, but don't know what more you can do and it seems that no matter what you do, your husband doesn't think it's enough. 

If you have done everything he has asked of you and tried to show him affection, love, appreciation, remorse, etc. and he is still "punishing" you then I do think you have a right to let him know that you want this to work, but you feel like you have made the changes he has asked, yet he is unwilling to do his part. Ask him exactly what it is that he needs you to do. And then let him know what you need from him- and be specific. Marriage cannot be one-sided. Both people need love, affection, appreciation. If he is truly invested in making this work, he has to do the things you need as well. 

I think that the cheating spouse does need to be transparent, do everything possible to let the other know he/she is sorry and is truly committed to the marriage, etc. But I also think that the cheated on spouse has to strive to make it work also. I realized for myself that if I shut him out, I would likely only drive him away. So if I wanted to keep him in my life, I had to make an effort to try and rebuild, try and forgive, try to get past what he did and move forward. It sounds like this is the part that your husband isn't willing or able to do. 

You mentioned in one post above that you don't know if you could really leave him. Do you think he knows that? Do you think he knows that and feels that he can continue acting the way he is acting because you won't leave even if he doesn't make an effort? 

You may have to come to that point within yourself. What if he isn't willing to change his behavior? What if he isn't willing to make an effort? What if he won't stop throwing the affair in your face? Are you willing to live with that? If you are, then you have to be ready for however long it takes him to get past this. If you aren't, you need to be ready to truly walk away. 

I know that there are many obstacles, and you are right, you can't force him to go to counseling, but you can let him know that if he isn't willing to be your partner in this then you need to talk to someone. Just as you can't force him to go, he can't force you not to go. If he needs to know where you are, tell him he can take you there himself and sit in the car while you go or he can come with you. 

It may take him longer to heal, everyone has a different timeline, but I've found that part of that healing process is trying to love my husband, despite what he did. Finding the reasons every day to want to be with him and want to move forward and not dwell on the past. I am actually very careful about even bringing up the affair. All it does is make me sad and unhappy again and make him feel guilty and depressed about what he did. None of those emotions help either of us. 

I'm sorry your marriage is going through this. I'm not sure any of what I said makes sense, but hopefully it did!


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## iwillsurvive

LuvMyH-

I agree with you and was trying to express that, but maybe didn't so well. If my husband had left me (she made it clear that he was the one that chose to leave their marriage) and I thought we were getting a divorce, I may not date anyone just because that's me. But I wouldn't hold anyone else to that. It wasn't like she went sneaking around behind his back seeing someone else, while coming home to him each night. 

I also agree that if I was shutting him out of my marriage after he was trying to fix it, after a certain point of trying, begging, pleading, etc. I wouldn't expect him to want to stay anymore either.


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## Initfortheduration

Ditajr said:


> Well I suppose I feel that because he is the one that made the choice to move out, that I had freedom to do what I wanted. When two people decided to go there own seperate ways, why should they be held back from doing what they want now that they are technically single? My marriage vows meant a lot to me, but we were seperated. So going by what you are saying...a couple in the middle of a divorce shouldn't have sex or have a relationship with anyone else because their marriage isn't completely void yet...that makes no sense.


And yet, you are going through this hell because you had sex. sex that your husband apparently thought was only reserved for him. But you can't argue with your willingness to back up what you believe. The problem is you and your husband didn't believe the same thing.


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## Sven

Enjoy twisting in the wind. Until you do something about it, that is.


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## Beninyourshoes

Here is the problem with men. We are proud, macho, leaders of the house. We are in control. Then one day we find out our feet have been knocked out from under us and we are not as stable as we once thought we were. I know for myself, I was always this upbeat guy that thought I was Superman. I could do anything. My career was on path, I was dragging home tons of money, we had the house, cars, trucks, motorcycles, boats, three beautiful kids. I could do anything. I felt like I was a walking success story. (You have to understand that I was brought up very poor. Sometimes there was not any food to eat and no heat in the winter times.) All that being said, one day I found out my wife was having an EA. My life suddenly came to an end. I felt like Superman had just been attacked with Kryptonite, all my powers and self esteem had just been swept away. My business started to suffer, I felt like I was a low life piece of Sh*t that couldn't even keep his wife happy. To this day 8yrs later I would have to say that TRUST is the biggest issue with me. I pray every day and night for God to help me regain trust in my life. It's kind of like right now, I know my wife is supposed to get off work at 7am, at 7:20 I have not heard from her yet. (She normally calls me to let me know she is leaving so that I will know she is safe.) For a "Non trusting-Ben Cheated on Husband", 20 mins is enough time to get a little quickie in a broom closet somewhere at work. Now I know this is not happening but that is the way a victim of a cheating wife thinks.

I am not casting blame on you but you have not walked in our shoes and you may have a proud husband that is no longer proud. Men as a rule are genetically built to feel in control and when we are no longer in control we loose our spirit. It's kind of like hitting a dog in the face a few times and then wondering why the dog cowers down from then on when you reach out to him. Maybe your husband is cowering down. 

You have to let him know that he is the only person in your life and that you made a mistake. You will also have to be conscious of how you dress when leaving the house. I know for me, I notice anytime the W gets over dressed to go to work all the way down to the under wear. I wonder why is she wearing the sexy bra and panties. All these triggers go off in a Mans head and you have to understand and try to avoid pulling any triggers. He probably will not ever heal but he will learn to deal with it.

Just be loving and let him know that He is your world and you would never do anything to hurt him again.

Not trying to hijack the thread, I just wanted you to know how the other side feels from a mans prospective.

Good luck, have lots of patiance and try to be understanding.


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## Ditajr

So are you saying that in trying to repair my relationship, that I shouldn't wear anything remotely sexy because it reminds him of the affair? I should dress down all the time and feel bad about myself? Hmm..that's just weird.

To update since I haven't been on in a few days...the anniversary was ok. It was Thanksgiving Day, so it was just spent with family. Went Black Friday shopping and got a back rub while standing in line for HIS video game...that is about it. I think I am going to try and have this stern talk with him tomorrow, too focused on the Steelers/Ravens game tonight. Lol.


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## michzz

Seems silly to limit the sexiness of the clothes unseen.


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## Ditajr

Agreed


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## Ditajr

It doesn't even make any sense if you are back in "ok" terms with your spouse...


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## Beninyourshoes

LuvMyH said:


> but I have to wear scrubs and tennies to work. I like to wear something nice underneath for me. Your W may not have to wear a uniform, but there's probably some sort of dress code and a lot of us women like to wear something sexy (even though we may be the only ones to know) because it makes us feel pretty and feminine. So, please, don't stress about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hey, I just made a comment but lets say this: My wife wears scrubs and tennis all day too. I would have to guess that the majority of the people on this forum that are the victims of a cheating spouse, probably found out that the spouse was cheating with someone they work with. I am not a women so I can't speak for you but I , as a man, do not have to feel sexy at work in order to perform my job. I don't know if you work at a Hospital or not but prior to the affair, it was normal to hear the wife and co-workers/friends talking about a Dr. and some nurse having an affair or being a little too chummy with each other. 

I would be willing to bet that when YOU (Ditajr) cheated on your Husband that you tried to look your best. Maybe I tend to over analyze things now but I guess I tend to pay a little closer attention to the details now that I am a victim as well. I don't tell my wife what she can and can't wear, I just have to ask myself "Hmmm, wonder why she is dressing up so much to go to work, put on some scrubbs, tennis, shoe covers, and a mask. 

Part of the problem with the Hubby getting over YOUR ACTIONS (Ditajr) might be because in his mind, everything was rocking along fine and Wham, he gets hit with a low blow that his wife is cheating. He has probably gone over it a hundred times in his head, How did I miss the clues, what did I do wrong, Why, Why, Why. Some things have to change as well as your daily routine. I know my wife has told me and reassured me that this will never happen again. How can she say this, why did it have to happen the last time. I don't know. I just know that for me, I went into protective mode and since the TRUST has been destroyed, I have to wonder all the time. 

I for one do not have any sympathy for you (Ditajr) if your husband is still a little un easy. I don't know you or your husband, or your situation but there is nothing that justifies betrayal in a marriage. If your marriage is that bad, just get a divorce or some counseling. Honor what used to be there in the relationship and not spoil those memories.


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## Beninyourshoes

luvmyH, 

I need to say that I misread who was wearing the scrubbs, no harm to you.


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## Victorianprude

Ditajr,

You really answered your question at the first post.

2 yrs, and its still fresh.

Perhaps its is time to call it as he has not moved past the affair.

Not for him, but for you.

Serve a no contest divorce, this leaves the relationship ending as amicable.


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## Victorianprude

Ditajr,

PS: I was a husband 2 yrs did not move past it, its was time to end the relationship cleanly and swiftly.

Also never forget sex is animalistic, it can be had without any heart strings whatsoever. So the moving on forgiving must be kept separate.


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## Poot

... Wow


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## Deejo

You're stuck. He's stuck. Sounds like both of you do your fair share of dancing around who is responsible for whatever the issues are, instead of deciding to actually address the issues.

All that ultimately gets you is more of the same. Mistrust. Bitterness. Resentment.

I get the impression that there is a crap-ton of backstory here that we simply aren't getting. Obviously your marriage has suffered far longer than the last two years - and before his moving out and your affair. All of this stuff isn't random.

Why do you want to stay married to this guy? What is with this, you want him to leave you because you don't think you can do it, or that he wouldn't allow you to go to counseling?

I'm not looking to slap you around, I'm trying to get a sense of how big the pile of dysfunction is. If you are staying in a marriage that you don't want to be in - and there are little to no signs of resolution, but plenty of denial and avoidance - you are both in for a long, rough, painful ride.


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## AZMOMOFTWO

Ditajr said:


> As I stated earlier, the other guy told him. Yes, he had a ton of questions and I answered them honestly. Also, as I said earlier...we do things together all the time like dates and spending time without our daughter. During that time, we don't talk about anything negative, just spend the time together. I get that just because it's been two years that he isn't just going to snap his fingers and forget it. I am saying that in two years, we have made basically no progress at all.
> 
> And...you so kindly pointed out how I found the time to cheat. During the time I cheated, my husband had moved out of our house and was living with his parents. We were technically seperated. So things were a lot different than they are now. My work schedule is different, as is his. Our daughter is in school, we are working on doing repairs to a new house before we move in...so don't assume.


You came here for advice but your tone and your words convey you want nothing to do with advice that might be hard for you to hear. You get angry and sarcastic with those who take their time to try to help. Before you get angry and respond THINK what this means. THINK how this may be affecting how your husband is getting over this. 

No, I don't know all the facts. You only gave us so many and we are trying to respond on that. You saying things back to me like "So don't assume" jeez you really are very defensive and angry with people who are trying to help. You need to find out why and resolve that. Otherwise you can't give your all to repairing this relationship and you won't be happy in another relationship either. 

Everyone is different and I don't know you or your husband but I will tell you one thing, and I do not mean this to hurt you but hoping to reach you somehow, if my H were as angry and defensive as you are showing us here, I would never have attempted reconciliation. I would have simply asked him to leave and I would have filed for divorce. Its his willingness to support and take the good with the bad that gives us a chance. We do have set backs and at first they made him upset and then our therapist pointed out this was common and did not mean progress was not being made. 

If you are tired of waiting for him to heal then you have a decision to make but once you make it, its likely irreversable to be sure that is what you want and good luck.


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## Tweak

Its mental castration.
I have not been cheated on in marriage,but when I was dating it happened.It still hurt though.

I have to ask,when he left to live at his parents,how long was it before you had sex with the other man? 6 months,4 weeks,1 week?
Do tell.....seems to me the normal response to a relationship breaking up is a period of deep grieving like a death in the family.
Did you go through this grieving period?

I am not being judgmental,you both need some therapy.If for nothing else then to get to COMMUNICATING again.If you can communicate and understand each other,the resentment can be ironed out and the marriage can be a happier one.

Know this though,most people never forget traumatic experiences,and being cheated on is VERY traumatic.It will always be with him,even if you both divorce.He will have problems trusting ANY woman.He needs to learn to cope with the anger and all the feelings,not for you,but for himself.Then you both can work towards a future together.


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## Ditajr

Beninyourshoes said:


> I would be willing to bet that when YOU (Ditajr) cheated on your Husband that you tried to look your best. Maybe I tend to over analyze things now but I guess I tend to pay a little closer attention to the details now that I am a victim as well. I don't tell my wife what she can and can't wear, I just have to ask myself "Hmmm, wonder why she is dressing up so much to go to work, put on some scrubbs, tennis, shoe covers, and a mask.
> 
> Part of the problem with the Hubby getting over YOUR ACTIONS (Ditajr) might be because in his mind, everything was rocking along fine and Wham, he gets hit with a low blow that his wife is cheating. He has probably gone over it a hundred times in his head, How did I miss the clues, what did I do wrong, Why, Why, Why. Some things have to change as well as your daily routine. I know my wife has told me and reassured me that this will never happen again. How can she say this, why did it have to happen the last time. I don't know. I just know that for me, I went into protective mode and since the TRUST has been destroyed, I have to wonder all the time.
> 
> I for one do not have any sympathy for you (Ditajr) if your husband is still a little un easy. I don't know you or your husband, or your situation but there is nothing that justifies betrayal in a marriage. If your marriage is that bad, just get a divorce or some counseling. Honor what used to be there in the relationship and not spoil those memories.


Actually, I didn't make myself look any different than I do anyday. I wore the same clothes, did my hair the same way, didn't put on anymore make up than normal, and I certainly didn't buy new under things.

If you read other posts, things weren't fine and he wasn't living with me.


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## Ditajr

Victorianprude said:


> Ditajr,
> 
> PS: I was a husband 2 yrs did not move past it, its was time to end the relationship cleanly and swiftly.
> 
> Also never forget sex is animalistic, it can be had without any heart strings whatsoever. So the moving on forgiving must be kept separate.


Again, he would never have sex with someone he didn't love or at least at the time think he loved. Not every guy is a hoe who will have sex with no emotion.


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## Ditajr

Poot said:


> ... Wow


Are you for real Matt? Everyone...this would be my husband...spying on every move I make once again.


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## Beninyourshoes

LuvMyH said:


> No offense taken. I was thinking about it today and it occurred to me that men's underwear is pretty utilitarian. Women's are a little different and if you've been burned, I could see where it might cause a little alarm if your W is wearing the special stuff to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It's funny about Men and their underwear drawer. I have listened to many comedians talk about just that issue. Larry the cable guy once said he had several hundred dollars worth of Crotchless underwear in his drawer. lol As long as the waist band is still working they're ok. 

All joking aside, I think a man's perspective on sex and romance is a lot different than womens. I can honestly say that I have thought about cheating in the past but never have. I know for myself if I ever did it the first time, it would make it that much easier to do it again and constantly be telling myself, "This is the last time and I will never do it again". 

What ever happened to marriage being a commitment? Too many people go with their feelings of the moment and don't think about the consequences of their actions. The number of lives they effect. If you are a cheater, you affect your life, your husbands, your children if you have any, the other persons family if they have a wife and kids. Cheating is such a selfish thing to do in my opinion. That is the reason I could not do it even when times got a little rocky.

Yes, I get that tingling feeling when I see another women or someone pays a little extra attention to me but I go home and turn those feelings into something special with my wife and remind myself about the special person I have at home.


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## Eriwilnel

Dita,
I have read all of your posts and advice that has been offered. First let me advise you, I have been in your husbands shoes and responded the same way. No need to tell you my past just understand it is so very similar to yours and your husbands. What your husband is doing is done for several reasons. Here they are with explanation for him doing them.

1. Complacency- Your husband believes after his decision to stay after the hurt you caused him that you will accept anything.
For instance if you cried and expressed sincere remorse for your affair like my wife did, your husband can believe you will stick to your promise of "I'll do anything for you" this almost allways comes from a truly remorseful apology. I am willing to bet you told him or at least expressed this to him in some way while apologizing to him for the affair. I am almost certain your husband feels he can get away with alot and you will accept it. I know I did.
2. Triggers- These are situations or certain things that make your husband remember the affair. For instance, if you told him places where you and the other man met, or things you did together, your husband will reflect when he drives by those places, or you and him do the same activities. Even an outfit that you wore during the affair can trigger his thoughts of the past.
3. Entrapment- I know your thinking WHAT? Let me explain. As little sense as it may make to you your hubby can let the marriage get into a rut deliberately. YES deliberately! Why? You ask. To truly see if you will repeat your previous behavior. Its not like he wants you to. Its just a very stupid way some of us men try to dispell the belief of "Once a Cheater Allways a Cheater" he wants to know and feel no matter how bad things get in the marriage you will not hurt him like that again. I totally agree this is a negative way to repair his trust but please believe me it can be happening.

For my advice, If any of these feelings are happening to him do not fret. It may not be helpful to you or the Marriage but it is natural. Do you put up with it? Absolutely not! As my wife did me I would sugest you make him think about his actions and not how you will act. Does that make sense? It means expressing to him in a loving manner that you love him and want to have a happy marriage with him, but you feel like he is not going to forgive you and truly ever see how much you love him. Be respectful and sincere. Let him know you want him more than anything but you currently feel he will not forgive your actions. Tell him it hurts you not because of how he is treating you but because his actions make you feel like he can never love you. Assure him he is what you want and still do but he is preventing you from truly being the wife you want to be to him.
Now.... be prepared for his knee jerk reaction. He might tell you to leave, he might call you names or even throw the affair back at you. DO NOT RESPOND WITH THE SAME!!! No matter what he says to you. If he says he hates you. You tell him you love him. If he says he never wants to see you again. Tell him all you want is to see HIM the true him once again. Please understand his lashing at you is common. He will probably even try to convince you that he never meant anything to you and he knew you would not keep your promise. Do not argue! It is so hard for you to remain respectfull and caring to him if he responds this way but you can do it. Finally tell him you have to move on, not that you want to but you feel like you have to. Your actions will actually force him to look at himself and what he truly has to lose instead of thinking about what you did and the contempt he has for you. I can honestly tell you 2 yrs after an affair is not long for the betrayed spouse if he has never truly forgiven. Its not that he doesnt want to forgive he just doesnt know how! I truly believe he is like me and the only way for him to forgive you is to feel he wants to. If that means you have to put him in the position by himself then do it!
Please for goodness sake do not pursue another relationship while you are giving your husband the opportunity to forgive you. Only talk to close friends who truly care about you and your husbands marriage. (Never any friends of the opposite sex)
Your true friends will support your feelings for wanting your marriage to work. Beware of the friend that says simply to divorce. The friend that degrades your husband and blames him usually these people have other motives and could care less about the marriage. If your husband is(and I believe he is) feeling as I did. You will receive a phone call from him in the future. IT can take time. But sometimes time is what it takes. You are not wasting the best of your years. You are trying to repair a marriage that clearly is worth saving. He stayed with you for a reason and I can tell you that is no easy task, he has to love you as much as I love my wife. If he does and you love him, then your marriage can be greater than ever. Mine is!
Remember sometimes hurt can be a great awakening and we learn from it , but our first human instinct is to run from it.
I truly believe you and your husband can have a happy fullfilling life together. All of the tools are there. NOW USE THEM! 
My best wishes to you and your Husband!


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## swedish

Ditajr...I hope Matt decides to look around at some of the other threads on here...The way you laid it out...he left...you were separated on the way to divorce & you were with someone else...

Very different IMO than sneaking around behind your spouses back leaving them believing everything is fine.

On the other hand, from his perspective, his wife (although not together at the time but legally married) was with another man. Some people can get over this over time and others cannot. If he truely cannot, it won't be much of a marriage for the two of you to remain together.

One sign is that he still throws it back in your face 2 years later...that's a long time...I don't think 2 years is a long time to still feel hurt and still not fully trust, but at some point there should be progress on leaving the past in the past, not throwing it in your face and looking at the positive things in your relationship since that point.

Yes, you need to be patient and cannot put a timeframe on when he stops hurting, when he starts trusting...but no indication of progress in 2 years almost sounds more like a punishment than reality...he chooses to say 'so what if I didn't take out the garbage...you're the one that cheated'...and that sounds like 0 progress on forgiveness and rebuilding.


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## Ditajr

swedish said:


> Ditajr...I hope Matt decides to look around at some of the other threads on here...The way you laid it out...he left...you were separated on the way to divorce & you were with someone else...
> 
> Very different IMO than sneaking around behind your spouses back leaving them believing everything is fine.
> 
> On the other hand, from his perspective, his wife (although not together at the time but legally married) was with another man. Some people can get over this over time and others cannot. If he truely cannot, it won't be much of a marriage for the two of you to remain together.
> 
> One sign is that he still throws it back in your face 2 years later...that's a long time...I don't think 2 years is a long time to still feel hurt and still not fully trust, but at some point there should be progress on leaving the past in the past, not throwing it in your face and looking at the positive things in your relationship since that point.
> 
> Yes, you need to be patient and cannot put a timeframe on when he stops hurting, when he starts trusting...but no indication of progress in 2 years almost sounds more like a punishment than reality...he chooses to say 'so what if I didn't take out the garbage...you're the one that cheated'...and that sounds like 0 progress on forgiveness and rebuilding.


Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. It's so darn frustrating. I really do feel like everyday is a punishment. Holding back on stuff married couples should do everyday is not helping, it just pushes me further away.


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## Sun

Maybe your husband feels he has done you a huge favor by staying with you and your daughter and that should be enough for you in his mind. That is a fear I had when the thought of reconciliation crossed my mind with my ex after a similar experience. But if you stay together for the wrong reasons, you are not doing anyone a favor. You are right, you can not make someone who does not want to go to counseling go, but you can go by yourself and work out your feelings. I did not seek counseling at first when it was pushed on me, I out right closed the door on it and I regret that now. But what my ex does not know is that I found a counselor on my own and work out my issues and still continue to go. It has helped me greatly as an individual and has helped me realize what I had done to them and the marriage.


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## cirra

I hope I can answer your question of why he still treats you the way he does after 2 years.... You are unclean to him. I cheated on my perfect husband and it has been 2 years. I think I can understand what you are going through. It's a terrible feeling.


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## CH

It's been 13 years for me and the wife has never truly forgiven me. The love is there but and she still shows affection but it has never gone back to how we were before the affair. Our life is good, we have 3 wonderful (cough, cough) children but sometimes I really want that old affection I had before cheating on her.

Put the shoe on the other foot, let him sleep with some other woman and see if you wanna say, "Honey, I love you so much!"

As to the kissing, my wife still kisses me from time to time but she tells me that kissing isn't the same anymore because she feels that she is tasting the other woman when I kiss her. Even 10 yrs later. There is forgiveness but the hurt and resentment NEVER goes away, no matter what anyone else says, they're full of crap if they say otherwise.

It's easy for the cheaters to move on because we didn't get hurt. We can sit there and say, why can't they get over it, it's been xx time already, get over it!! If you truly want to make the marriage work you have to try to understand how much hurt and pain he's still in even after 2 years. If you can't do that then move on. Your heart is only thinking of me, me, me, me, me at this point and it's all about you (I did this for a year before I changed my tune). I had to put my wife's emotion's 1st ahead of mine, sometimes it's hard and I have to swallow my pride but that's how much I love her.

You'll almost never get that passionate kiss anymore or the staring in your eyes and telling you he loves you. Over time it starts to slowly come back but there will be times where they will regress.

Remember this is probably for the rest of your life. I love my wife enough to make these small little sacrafices. If she would have cheated on me, I would have been out the door within a second of finding out. So in my mind, she has the bigger heart in taking me back.


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## justsam

So, two years is enough for him to forget, huh? Unbelievable. Why don't you do him a favor and just leave... THAT IA WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT? Someone to tell you it's not worth it. I'm not going to do it. Be a real woman and end the ****ing thing!


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## The 13th_Floor

Honestly, I'd be happy if my wife showed me the steps you've taken to make things right. Yea, it hurts, but he can't penalize you forever.


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## Xena

This thread is from 2009...is it even relevant anymore?


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## airplane

Go to counseling if he won't go, go by yourself. He needs to talk about it with you or an counselor. I know the feeling you are having, my wife is the same way. Sex is lousy, but at least she will go to counseling on her own and with me. At least she is trying and when she stops I will ask her to leave or I will move out.


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## lpycb42

Sun said:


> Maybe your husband feels he has done you a huge favor by staying with you and your daughter and that should be enough for you in his mind. That is a fear I had when the thought of reconciliation crossed my mind with my ex after a similar experience. But if you stay together for the wrong reasons, you are not doing anyone a favor. You are right, you can not make someone who does not want to go to counseling go, but you can go by yourself and work out your feelings. I did not seek counseling at first when it was pushed on me, I out right closed the door on it and I regret that now. But what my ex does not know is that I found a counselor on my own and work out my issues and still continue to go. It has helped me greatly as an individual and has helped me realize what I had done to them and the marriage.



I agree. He's angry, he hasn't forgiven you at all, and he probably knows he's hurting you (which he probably is enjoying). Looks like the only reason he's staying is out of convenience more than anything.

You're 23 years old, you're young. If he doesn't want to try to fix things, then it's best you guys separate. At least until you can both figure out what's going on.


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## Voiceofreason

lpycb42 said:


> I agree. He's angry, he hasn't forgiven you at all, and he probably knows he's hurting you (which he probably is enjoying). Looks like the only reason he's staying is out of convenience more than anything.
> 
> You're 23 years old, you're young. If he doesn't want to try to fix things, then it's best you guys separate. At least until you can both figure out what's going on.


Actually she is probably 25 now--her post is from 2009


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## lpycb42

Oh wow... didn't even noticed hahaha! I wonder what happened to them.


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## oaksthorne

Ditajr said:


> It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.


Believe me, there is nothing worse than being cheated on, It kills your soul! He will never be "what he was again", but things can be good again. Have you two gone to a MC ? It sounds like he needs help putting this behind him.


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## F-102

Ummm...has anyone noticed that the OP hasn't been here since Dec. of 2009?


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## lordmayhem

lpycb42 said:


> Oh wow... didn't even noticed hahaha! I wonder what happened to them.


She probably cheated on him again, or they divorced.

She left 2 years ago because she wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear. Her posts were vague and short, and like someone said, she only gave a few details when pressed. Most likely she was that way with her betrayed husband. She rationalized away her infidelity, and criticized her husband while saying she was working on the marriage without saying how she was working on it. I bet if her husband was here, he would be saying something different.

She was unremorseful and defensive. Not a good combination for R. Her marriage probably did not end well from what I could read of her attitude.


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## thequietman

Ditajr said:


> He found out because the other guy told him.
> 
> As far as talking to a professional, he refuses. He won't even talk to me about it when I bring it up, much less will he talk to someone else. He literally will just ignore me or say "not now" whenever I try to bring it up.
> 
> My husband isn't the kind of person to have sex just to have it. Believe me, he has proven that before. Even before we started dating, that was a big thing with him, that he would never have sex with someone that he doesn't love. We have gone for 6 months without doing anything and it didn't seem to bother him.
> 
> You ask if we function as a married couple...that's kind of hard to answer because to me the kissing and the "I love you's" are a big part of what I would consider functioning properly as a married couple. We go out to dinner, we go to bars, we spend nights together minus the child, we don't really argue about much else other than normal everyday stuff like he needs to change the litter box, don't go to Dunkin Donuts every morning when there is plenty to eat at home, that he doesn't appreciate all that I do around the house...you know, stupid stuff like that. The only major fights we ever have are about how I feel that since all this happened, that we have gotten absolutely nowhere and at this point, I don't know if we ever will.
> 
> I'm only 23 years old. I don't want to waste what could be the best years for me and my daughter on someone who doesn't appreciate anything I do or any effort I make. I do feel like a roommate sometimes. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I work 40 hours a week (as does he)...but in the end, all I get out of it is cleaning up the dinner dishes, coming home at 9pm from work and finding the house a mess, and occasionally, we have sex, which I am the one ALWAYS making the first move. I don't get what I really want from this marriage, which I think are some of the more simple things to do. I don't want a million dollars, I don't want a fancy house or car. I just want him to say he loves me. And I can't get that unless I force it out of him.
> 
> Oh, and btw, Thursday is our 4 year wedding anniversary. Let's see how well that goes.


Ditajr,

I notice your post is 4yrs old. I hope that you and your husband have both rekindle your love in marriage and in each other.

If you are still taking baby steps, then this may help.

Its not easy to give your hart to someone, then find out that your true love has been with someone eels. If you still love your husband, then he worth fighting for you and your children. Don't be doing stuff to try to makeup for what happen or to be a good wife, do stuff to show your husband that you love him with all your hart. 

If your husband is still lost in his hart, help him to find his way to your hart. Be there with him, so you both can take the baby steps together. 

My best wishes to you and your family.


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## Badblood

Ditajr said:


> It's been over two years. There comes a point where you are either going to get over it or you aren't. I can't wait around forever for a guy who is never going to be what he was again. I get that what I did was wrong and hurtful. But I would switch roles with him in a heartbeat, because the way he has been treating me for the past two years has been much worse than being cheated on.


No, it's not!! You have no idea how horrible you have made him feel Perhaps the reason he hasn't gotten over the affair is because you haven't given him reason to. You don't sound very remorseful for your affair to me . What have you done to earn back his trust? What have you done to prove your love? What have you done to let him know that it will never happen again? Just ending the affair isn't nearly enough. Until you can lose your sense of entitlement, and actually feel his pain as if it were your own, your marriage will never heal.


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## Badblood

****!! I forgot to look at the date.


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## Deejo

OP stopped posting because her husband was tracking what she was doing and found her posts here.

She is long gone.

Lets not speculate on what was or wasn't done as a result.

Closing.


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