# what have I done, what do I do



## 1sorrysoul (Jan 13, 2012)

I cheated on my wife and I am truly sorry for it. I love my wife very much and she has been there for me and supported me sinceI have been in the military. I have hurt my wife so deeply and I dont ever want her to feel that pain again. In 2010 I had an affair and my wife found out about this bad decision. She has not trusted me since and I dont blame her. My reason for cheating is because in the past year I held no value to our relationship. Ii am in the military and my wife has 2 children from a previous relationship and our now 3yr and 6week old. We were not married in 2009 when I left but I love her and wanted to make sure she has the most support I can offer. So we got married a year after I signed up.WhileI was atmy duty station she was at our hometown. while I was out having fun she was taking care of our children. Long story short I cheated again while being deployed. I stopped because I started to feel worst and worst about my wife and our marriage. I began to have more feelings for us and more value for my wife. I stopped the affaair after 2 months. several months have passed and its now a new year we are trying to move on with our marriage. I love her and want her in my life. There are no other women and never will be again. She asked me tonight at 230am if there were any more women I have had sex with and I dont want to tell her for fear that it may be that final straw to end my marriage. There is more tothe story but this is were I need help now. How do I keep my wife and be the husband she needs? I don't want to lose my better smarter and more attractive half.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you truly love her then you must leave yourself at the mercy of her court by telling her the whole truth, all of it.

As a military man you above all others should value honor. Do the honorable thing, confess. If she chooses to reconcile with you then work your a$$ off to gain her trust.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Your wife should have the opportunity to make her own choice based on the truth.

You made your choices, now let her have the same information you have yourself, and let her choose for her self if she wants to be with you or not, and whether to accept more than two people in your relationship or not.

One of the worst things about my wifes cheating was the fact that she took away my ability to make a free choice for myself by not telling me the truth from the beginning.


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## bryson (Jan 13, 2012)

as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

bryson said:


> as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave



It's this kind of thinking that enables another affair and ultimately destroys all the good memories of a marriage.

You tell her the truth , the whole truth ,leaving anything out is lying by omission. With the truth out the relationship will either heal or not. 

Affairs have a habit of being revealed years later , to the BS this will be like it happened yesterday to the waywards it's a shrug of the shoulders .

Have some respect for her and tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spryte (Dec 8, 2011)

As a fellow human, I say you need to fess up. 
You want to be the husband she needs? She needs you to be honest and transparent and respect her as a person and as your wife to make her own decision.

She has asked you if there were others, by "letting sleeping dogs lie", you'll basically lie to her. 
How does this show you feel remorse for what you've done, that you've changed and won't do it again, that you respect her and value her? How can you expect her to trust and respect you again? 

Would be better for you to admit it all before she finds out about it herself...cuz that would be 1000000x worse than anything you could tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I would give anything to unknow that my fiance had a ONS. He told me a month 1/2 after is happened (I have known since September) and I wish to god he had never told me. I can't undo the images I make up in my head and I am sick to my stomach everyday over it. 

If you really feel remorse and have no intention of ever doing it again..don't tell her. BUT..if it is in your nature to be a cheater and think it will happen again, tell her.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> It's this kind of thinking that enables another affair and ultimately destroys all the good memories of a marriage.
> 
> You tell her the truth , the whole truth ,leaving anything out is lying by omission. With the truth out the relationship will either heal or not.
> 
> ...


My H kept lying by omission for 10 months after d day. What he was telling me did not add up and I kept asking questions. My recovery process had to start all over again when he finally told me the truth. It was the gas lighting and half truths that really did the damage. How can you build a trusting relationship with a person who does not respect you enough to let you make your own decisions, based on complete information ?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either fess up, everything, or declare the relationship over. She deserves no less.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lying to her is what got you into this mess. So why on earth would you keep lying? Just be open with her. Tell her everything that she asks and doesn't ask too. That way, all the cards are on the table and she can decide what she wants to do, since you never let her have a choice before.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bryson said:


> as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave


Worst
Advice 
Ever


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Lying to her is what got you into this mess. So why on earth would you keep lying? Just be open with her. Tell her everything that she asks and doesn't ask too. That way, all the cards are on the table and she can decide what she wants to do, since you never let her have a choice before.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

bryson said:


> as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave


What's your advice for him 10 years down the road when she finds out about it?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I would give anything to unknow that my fiance had a ONS. He told me a month 1/2 after is happened (I have known since September) and I wish to god he had never told me. I can't undo the images I make up in my head and I am sick to my stomach everyday over it.
> 
> If you really feel remorse and have no intention of ever doing it again..don't tell her. BUT..if it is in your nature to be a cheater and think it will happen again, tell her.


You rather want to be lied to?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I posted my reply on the wrong thread, then lost it LOL.

This is your second time cheating on your wife. Why do you want to fix things when its obvious that you are not committed to remaining faithful to her?

You need to let her know. my H lied to me for a year and a half about his affair. That just made the betrayal worse. He is a military man, I was a military woman, and I will never tell you it is "honorable" to lie to your spouse about your fidelity. That is just ridiculous.

Let her make an informed decision about her marriage to you.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Like everyone here says, you gotta come out with it all (well except bryson, and I agree with jelly -- Worst Advice Ever).

Actions matter now, nnot just empty words you've probably said before. And that first action is coming clean with everything and acknowledging her right and her power to now make an informed decision. And then, if she chooses to stay with you, like the wise mori said: "If she chooses to reconcile with you then work your a$$ off to gain her trust." Eveyr day, all the time, non-stop, back up your words with actions, because that is all that matters now. Words are empty based on your history. I don't know you and I'm not even sure *I* believe you... you can't even be fully honest with her now, why should she believe you will be honest for the rest of her life? 



1sorrysoul said:


> She asked me tonight at 230am if there were any more women I have had sex with and I dont want to tell her for fear that it may be that final straw to end my marriage.


Yes, it MAY be the final straw and the end. Your prior actions do have consequences, and she deserves the right to make that decision now. You may even find your honesty here to be the beginning of a better relationship wiuth her, for the first time. Or she may decide differently.


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

As an ex soldier and ex cop, I understand your position, as everyone here does, however, I bet you already know the answer, the decision is hers and hers alone, give her the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and no matter which way it goes, you retain your personal honour and dignity............. Priceless!!!! Good Luck!


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

bryson said:


> as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave


So you condone more lies. honor?


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## 1sorrysoul (Jan 13, 2012)

So I fessed up and told her. She has not responded yet. Somewhere in my mind I think she already knew. I think she just wanted to hear it from me. I will keep my mistakes updated for a learning experience to another young man so he will atleast see what he is doing. I love my wife and I wish I could take back every action every time I made that decision to lie and cheat and disrespect my loving wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Good for you, sir... I bet you already actually feel better deep down inside, at peace with yourself, no matter where it ends up going. 

The fact that she may have already known say you *definitely* made the right move here. All you can control is the present and future, not the past. Good luck.

"The truth will set you free"... in many ways, perhaps, but internally most importantly.


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## 1sorrysoul (Jan 13, 2012)

2xloser said:


> Good for you, sir... I bet you already actually feel better deep down inside, at peace with yourself, no matter where it ends up going.
> 
> The fact that she may have already known say you *definitely* made the right move here. All you can control is the present and future, not the past. Good luck.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

bryson said:


> as a fellow soldier i say let sleeping dogs lie if u have fixed the issue omce y bring it back up dont tell anyone and take that to your grave


As a fellow soldier I think this is cowardice unworthy of someone who wears a uniform.


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## 1sorrysoul (Jan 13, 2012)

Now that the truth has come forward I am ready to accept the consequences of my actions. It's sad how you never feel that you deserve what happens to you until the while truth is known. I now know that even when this greatest single most time shared with my wife is over I can accept it because it is a justified punishment. I am still gonna do whatever I can to keep this union, but if I fail I know why. She asked me why I cheated and the best I can do is tell her I thought I was missing something. Truth is I was. I was missing that connection we used to share because I was still living with lies. But no longer will I live life as if there is a missing piece. For I have to use that connection to fulfill the lives of our girls. Thank you all for your input sometimes you just have to hear it straight out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

I cannot add anything more to what has already been posted by the others.

Grovel, kiss her feet, beg, sleep out in the rain.... do whatever you have to do to show her how remorseful you are. 

Disclose everything and let the chips fall where she throws them. She is in control now, and you need to man up and take whatever anger and hatred she dishes out, because you deserve it.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Glad you chose to be honest. Sounds like you love her and truly feel bad. Don't do it again. The fact that she knows will help you be accountable if she tries to work it out with you.

Read some books about how to cope with this. If you're not in counseling, go see a counselor together. Or try the Marriage Builders website. They have some cool stuff about emotional needs on there. Might help you see how to keep from straying again by keeping things well stoked at home.


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## Latinking (Nov 29, 2011)

clearly she knows there is more to your story. She's smart girl. Go on and be honest, she wants to hear it all. If you dont tell her, she will be miserable and that will affect your kids, her and you guys as partners. How can she even sleep knowing there is more to it? Good luck to you, God bless.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Proud of you for telling without having to be discovered. Praying that all goes well for the two of you, and that you will find the strength to help you W heal from this.


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