# Can a fetish be a need?



## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

My 15 year marriage is on the brink of divorce. We have always struggled with him being much higher drive than me. He's a daily kind of guy, I'm a weekly kind of girl. That said, I've always done more to try to meet his needs, by alternatives like oral sex or whatever if I really wasn't in the mood for intercourse. So we were usually intimate every other day in some way or another.

But it's never been enough, and he is never happy. He gets extremely moody, and gives me the silent treatment. It's like walking on eggshells to be around him, and his yelling has even been scaring the kids. He's become more and more controlling, insisting on physical attention at the most inconvenient times. He is even being forceful with his kisses, which I never would have thought possible!

There are some sexual acts he wants me to do (butt play, I hope that's not TMI to say!) that I just have no interest in. I've tried, and just hate it. He says this fetish is part of who he is, and that me not engaging in that with him is ignoring his needs and not respecting a very important part of him.

He wanted to get that need filled outside the marriage if I was unable to comply. When I refused to have sex with him if he was with someone else, he left. So now we're separated.

He now wants to compromise... if I give him one night a month where I won't say no to his fetish, and have sex at a couple times a week, he will come back and be a happy, easier to live with guy, as he won't be sex starved. What do you think? Is this a need I have to meet, or a want that he shouldn't be insisting on?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Well, if he wants you to stick something in his butt it could be a need. If he wants to do it to you, the regular hole should be sufficient.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why would you agree to a sex scene that you are not comfortable, let alone happy or excited about? Sex is supposed to be about pleasure and fulfillment. You already have a mismatched sex life, where you have to service him or he will act like a jerk to everyone. THAT is BS in the first place. Don't agree to make it worse for you. 

This guy is willing to leave you because you won't take it up the a$$. He's already left you because of that. But he's willing to come back, if you go ahead and take it. Ugh. 

He has no respect for you or your feelings. No appreciation. 

Tell him not to talk to you anymore, and go visit an attorney.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

anonmd, could he not stick something in his own butt to fill that need if I don't want to? SunnyT, I guess I just keep hoping that his crappiness as a person is due to sexual starvation. He's told me that for so many years, and I started to believe it. Only recently am I thinking that maybe it's not my fault for not meeting his needs. Maybe they are wants, not needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Can you clarify.. does he want you to do this to him? or does he want to do it to you?

Has he been trying to push you to do anal play the entire time you have been with him? Or has this developed more recently?


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

I'm mid thirties, he's early 40's. He wants to have playtime with my rear (orally) as knows I can't do penetration due to nasty injury from childbirth. The rest he wants me to do to him with toys.

The push has been since shortly after we got married.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

If he really feels that the marriage is only worth staying in if he gets anal play, I would be inclined to let him go.

But, if you agreed to his terms, do you think he would stick to them? Or is there a chance he would start pushing you to let him penetrate you, or pushing you to do it more often?


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## tonytonitone (Apr 10, 2015)

This sounds abusive to me. Just because you're married you are not his property to play with however he wants. There should still be boundaries. He sounds aggressive in all aspects of life.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

A fetish can be a need, yes. For example, some people can't feel secure and loved without a partner willing to tie up and dominate them occasionally. It's not a physical need, but a psychological and/or emotional need.

He may see your unwillingness to participate in his fetish as a very deep personal rejection. From his point of view, he doesn't get the quantity of sex he wants/needs and on top of that his partner won't meet his needs when sex does happen. I can see how that would make him a bit grumpy. Frustration over unmet needs does build up over time. And so does the pain of rejection.

I believe in being GGG. Good, giving, and game. If DH makes a request I'm not really into, but am more neutral toward I don't see any reason to deny him. I enjoy his pleasure and the fact that I am the one giving him that pleasure. And I know that he'll make it more than worth my while before we're done or very shortly after.

If anal play really is a problem for you, don't do it. But let him go so he can find a compatible partner.

If anal play is more or less a neutral for you, why not give him that pleasure and enjoy his enjoyment?

ETA: I wonder if his forceful kissing and inconvenient timing is his attempt to fix things. He may have been told that in order to fix the marriage he needed to be more alpha, more passionate, and more spontaneous. A man attempting that could easily be misinterpreted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This not a loving sexual relationship, where you respect your partner's boundaries. This h is trying to force you to do things you don't want. I think you have been very willingly giving in your sexual relationship. He punishes you when he is mad or unhappy, speaks a lot about him. 

I agree, if he comes back and you agree with his demands, heaven know when he will want more. And the kind of more. He sounds very abusive and controlling in and out the bedroom. 

I would just stay separated and seek the advice of an attorney. I think he will get worst.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The way I read it is the OPs H has a high drive and a fetish. He's willing to compromise on fetish night once a month and sex at least once every two weeks. That doesn't sound controlling or abusive to me.

The H has stated he has a deep need his wife is refusing to meet. This unmet need causes frustration and hurt. He acts like a man who is frustrated and hurt.

Then he asks to have this need met outside the marriage and his wife says no.

At that point, wth is he supposed to do? His wife won't meet his need and she won't let someone else meet his need, either. His options are leave or spend the rest of his life feeling hurt and frustrated. So, he left. 

And leaving, btw, is the advice a lot of forums give when a poster comes on and says "My spouse refuses to meet my physical and emotional needs even after I offered a compromise. What do I do?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> anonmd, could he not stick something in his own butt to fill that need if I don't want to? SunnyT, I guess I just keep hoping that his crappiness as a person is due to sexual starvation. He's told me that for so many years, and I started to believe it. Only recently am I thinking that maybe it's not my fault for not meeting his needs. Maybe they are wants, not needs.


What about it makes you uncomfortable and/or what was the reason you gave as to why you're not interested?

IE -if the reason is : W is afraid to hurt her spouse. H could say, 'oh ok. let's just go very slow, and I'll let you know if I'm uncomfortable, etc '

Only asking because there's tons of stuff that I wouldnt gravitate towards, but if my W says something turns her on, I'd be all about learning how to .


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> A fetish can be a need, yes. For example, some people can't feel secure and loved without a partner willing to tie up and dominate them occasionally. It's not a physical need, but a psychological and/or emotional need.
> 
> He may see your unwillingness to participate in his fetish as a very deep personal rejection. From his point of view, he doesn't get the quantity of sex he wants/needs and on top of that his partner won't meet his needs when sex does happen. I can see how that would make him a bit grumpy. Frustration over unmet needs does build up over time. And so does the pain of rejection.
> 
> ...



That's the way I interpret his actions... He feels rejected and to her it's not a big deal... Which adds to more feelings of rejection.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Chickaboom said:


> He now wants to compromise... if I give him one night a month where I won't say no to his fetish, and have sex at a couple times a week, he will come back and be a happy, easier to live with guy, as he won't be sex starved. What do you think? Is this a need I have to meet, or a want that he shouldn't be insisting on?


For your husband it's a need that you have to meet. He's told you this. But I would say if it is so important to him then he should have chosen a different wife, and futrher should not have chosen to make children with you. So I would say most people accept their own choices and temper their needs / wants accordingly. 

If you want to stay married, is it worth a try (once a month)? That's your call to make.

Forcing him to not feel the emotions and feelings he feels is not a viable solution.

However, asking him to tell you why he chose to marry someone who was not into this very important need and then make children while he was unsatisfied in his marriage may be an interesting question to pose.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

IMHO a fetish is not a need. marriage is not about fulfilling a desire your wife doesn't want. 
there are things you have to live without in marriage. you give up things and you gain a lot more.

grow up man-boy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You've been sexually mismatched from day one. Let him go.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All fetishes are needs. That's what makes them what they are.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are mismatched and love cannot overcome compatibility over time.

Unfortunately with fetishes, it is a drive to get that fulfilled. I have an ass kink also, but I can live without it and vaginal sex is okay with me.

Lol, if you had a fetish for exhibition and your husband does not comply, and you ask to get that fetish met elsewhere, some on here will attack you.

But realistically, you two are too different to stay strongly bonded. The difference in time will destroy the love. Also with fetishes, you are not sure if it will escalate further and further. There was a poster not too far back where the husband after a time only wanted anal and she was in a lot of pain.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

I think if he could go back in time, he would have chosen a different wife. I think we both hoped our sex life would grow together, but under the pressure, I don't feel that mine held a fighting chance.

It's not that it isn't a big deal to me that he feels rejected. I have huge compassion for him, and hate seeing him so upset. I guess I just don't feel that it's right for him to demand something that I'm so uncomfortable with. I have tried making compromises for him: we do kind of hands off remote butt toys on him, as well as this pump thing. Then I can use it while trying to focus on something else. But the idea of actively penetrating him with a dido or strap on to me is just such a turn off. Also we've tried ways that he can enjoy my rear, but couldn't find a way to please him enough without me jumping out of my skin. I don't honestly know why it bothers me so much, but it does. And with all the pressure to perform, I don't feel loved and treasured.

I just find myself wondering, is all his moodiness and passive aggressive type of behaviour a response to not having a sexual need met? Is this a want that he is selfishly perusing, or is it a need that he simply cannot live without? If it agree to participate in this stuff that I really do not want to do, am I being a doormat or a loving wife? I feel like a sex object right now, where everything done or not done throughout the day is just to try to get what he wants in bed. I am resentful, and he is mean, and it seems impossible to turn around.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Sounds to me like you have different philosophies on marital sex. He probably believes anything goes in the marital bed and you have some hang ups. 

I ask myself a few questions when my wife wants something, does it hurt?, do I have a legitimate reason to no do it? Will it make her happy? 


Remember you are the ONLY person he can serially explore with


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> He now wants to compromise... if I give him one night a month where I won't say no to his fetish, and have sex at a couple times a week, he will come back and be a happy, easier to live with guy, as he won't be sex starved. What do you think? Is this a need I have to meet, or a want that he shouldn't be insisting on?


That's fair that he had an idea of what an honest compromise would be and candidly shared it with you. So at least you know where he stands (...maybe). We all give and take in marriage and in anything. So, is he worth that to you ? Nothing wrong if the answer is No ( or Yes ). 

In making any type of compromises or deals/etc, you can always offer a 'counter compromise'. Sounds like you have though with the toys. Hmm tough one


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
No one is at fault. People are free to decide for themselves what is important sexually to them, and people are free to decide what they do and do not want to do in bed. Sometimes a couple ends up not being compatible. 

It sounds like he is not happy to live without having his fetish satisfied. That is his choice. 

So now you need to decide if you are willing to satisfy it, or at least compromise. (anal play on him is not harmful to you, but you may find it unacceptable for other reasons).


People's willingness to satisfy others fetishes varies a lot.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What an interesting question! Is a fetish a need? I don't know? I think it depends on the exact fetish.

Understanding the difference between a fetish and a kink is important here. Fetish: An ABNORMAL need... Cannot become sexually aroused without thinking about or having the sexual fixation a part of sex play..."A fetish is an ‘irrational’ sexual reverence for something that isn’t typically thought of as sexual. It’s a non-sexual thing that is the central focus of someone’s sexual desire."

Kink: In other words, a kink is a sexual behavior that is considered abnormal, unconventional, or strange.

I don't think anal play qualifies as an irrational or abnormal sexual reverence.

So we now know that anal play is not a kink and not a fetish.

No matter how I define fetish or kink, or how you define it, the bottom line is that yes it could be considered a need. 

Are you, his wife, under obligation to satisfy his kink? The answer is a resounding no.

But should you? That depends on how you feel about his kink or fetish. What does he thought of this kink make you feel? Is there any part of you that *could* under the right conditions engage in this kink and be aroused? Could you be aroused by satisfying him? Could you feel good about making him feel good? 

Generally, sex IS a groups of behaviors that arouse one person directly and the other indirectly. I am aroused by giving a BJ because I am responding to my H's arousal but giving the BJ itself doesn't arouse me. My H is aroused by doing many lovely things to my body because doing this things arouse and excite me. The feelings he produces in me are what he is being aroused by. Can you see yourself being aroused at all by doing this for your H because it arouses him so much?

If my H wanted me to suck on his toes I'd have to say no thanks. Feet...no. Anally rimming him...again no. Any enjoyment he got from either of these would not be enough to counter my revulsion. BUT.... Could these acts become normalized over time and repetition so that I might be able to overcome my revulsion and be aroused by arousing him? I think yes provided many conditions were met and I felt loved enough to want to love him back.

So, could you in time be aroused by arousing your H with his kink?
Do you feel loved enough to want to love him back and give these things a try?

His threats to take his kink elsewhere is a total game changer though. Instead of trying to work with you he is making ultimatums that might destroy the marriage...very prematurely IMO.

I really wish you were more forthcoming about what it is exactly that he wants. Does he want to do, or does he want to have done to him.

When it comes to anal play, that is a preference, not a need. He is being an ass about it. Pun intended. And since that is his preference I think you should...stick it to him and let the selfish SOB go.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I can understand your extreme distaste for anal play, I feel the same way. It can be difficult to compromise on something you feel strongly about (in this case, that applies to both of you). 

But this compromise seems a bit one-sided. If you do what he wants, you get to stay married and he'll probably continue stomping around, making you miserable, if you're not willing enough or enthusiastic enough. Is he offering anything you want? Are there any penalties for him, if he doesn't keep his end of the deal (like if he starts pushing for more than you agreed to)?

"Do this thing you hate, and in return I'll be less annoying and not leave you," just seems like a poor compromise to me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I've always wanted my wife to explore prostate play, but since she is somewhat of a germ-a-phobe, she will not even consider it a topic of discussion anymore. I would say I did grow up with a fetish geared around prostate exploration and my wife was willing to give it one try. Once I say how uncomfortable it made her, I saw how far she was willing to go to accept me and ultimately that was more important to me than exploring a fetish any further. 

In the event you have not tried playing out his fetish, it could indeed make him feel rejected and subsequently needy. If you give it a try and you really do not like it, make it a point to talk about it. Hopefully he will value your feelings over and above his fetish. Or it may happen that you do not mind various things and it becomes something to occasionally spice up repertoire. 

In my honest opinion, I think your husband's fetish is the likely result of seeking out novelty as a result of overstimulation from internet porn. The gesture that he is willing to leave you over this is consistent with that of a porn surfer who has been taught that sexuality is all about the user involving no effort/patience/consideration for the adult performers of such content. 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Taken at face value based on what you posted, this guy is being unreasonable.

He might just be a total jerk (as you've presented him). Anyone who would leave his wife or cheat on her because she won't do anal would fit that description in my book.

However, I get the strong sense that he was probably already at the end of his rope before this became THE issue.

You two probably have significant sexual compatibility issues on the whole.

So the anal thing was just the last straw.

Let's look at this from the other angle:

How often are you rejecting his advances both in terms of frequency and in terms of particular sexual acts?

Would you say that your default is to say "no" in general?

Clearly your husband is not behaving in a nice way, but I am trying to understand what led up to this unreasonable perspective he has.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with badsanta above. Does your husband use porn? If so, that would explain just about everything.

In any case, I can understand a spouse feeling a need to explore certain types of sex play (I don't consider anal to be a "fetish" however, as I think it's a pretty normal interest) and I can understand him being frustrated and feeling rejected. However, for him to leave you and feel entitled to have sex with other people is just WAAAY across the line. Then to basically force you to agree to some sex contract in order to get him back after having cheated on you (Yes, I'm sure he was hooking up with someone else while he was gone), is just crazy. I think a spouse should commit to trying their best to meet their spouses needs in these areas, but I don't think your husband deserves that kind of effort from you right now, not without marriage counseling and him genuinely apologizing for all he has done to you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Chickaboom said:


> He wanted to get that need filled outside the marriage if I was unable to comply. When I refused to have sex with him if he was with someone else, he left. So now we're separated.
> 
> He now wants to compromise... if I give him one night a month where I won't say no to his fetish, and have sex at a couple times a week, he will come back and be a happy, easier to live with guy, as he won't be sex starved. What do you think? Is this a need I have to meet, or a want that he shouldn't be insisting on?


What prompted your H to offer the compromise?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cdbaker said:


> I don't consider anal to be a "fetish"


 @cdbaker I think he is trying to get her to wear a strap on and attempt reoccurring "pegging" about once a month. In that case it is leaning a bit towards the extreme side of couples play and is *not* what I would call normal by any means. Even if Dan Savage recommends every man try it at least once. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegging_(sexual_practice)

If I were the wife in this case, I'd just encourage the husband to incorporate that creatively into his solo play and just be discrete about it and don't leave awkward messes under his side of the bed. Most toys that lend themselves towards that kind of play DO have suction cups built into their design. 

@Chickaboom ask you husband to try exploring on his own first to make sure it is something he will actually like. Many novel ideas seem great UNTIL you try them and find out that, OUCH that really does hurt! So encourage him to do this, and go out and get him a large dildo for his first attempt so it will not go well! >

Problems solved

Badsanta


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Fair point badsanta. I'm not sure if I saw the part about him wanting to be "pegged," so yeah I would probably put that in "fetish" territory. I guess I was thinking this was about more "traditional" (haha) anal, where in he wants to have sex with her bottom, which I would say is a pretty normal curiousity among most men.

With that said, his pegging interest leads me to another thought. For the OP, it wouldn't really involve any penetration of her body, or her mouth anywhere she finds disgusting, no pain for her, no complex acting job (like role play), etc. Just her wearing a device and thrusting hips. I'm not trying to judge here, and it's certainly not my thing, but there is a part of me that doesn't think that is an enormously offensive request. I understand that it does nothing for her, she doesn't enjoy it, but given the breadth of potential fetishes out there that I think could be far more disgusting/demanding/penetrating for her, this seems like a pretty remedial request as far as a "once in a while treat" for him.

In any case though, that thought only applies to a reasonable and loving husband. Her husband seems to behaving insanely selfishly and controlling, and probably has cheated on her, so I don't think she owes him anything ("treats" or otherwise) until he has learned a lot about how to treat a woman.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> Taken at face value based on what you posted, this guy is being unreasonable.
> 
> He might just be a total jerk (as you've presented him). Anyone who would leave his wife or cheat on her because she won't do anal would fit that description in my book.
> 
> ...


He's not a total jerk- it's just the jerky stuff that I need help with  He had a rough upbringing, filled with rejection, so I think that plays into his reactions. He only hears the 'no's' when they happen, and takes all the yesses for granted. There's are no's, but I would say it's not the default... but always the result of him pushing me for more than I'm comfortable with, so it's not an uncommon word either.

I don't think the anal stuff is the straw that broke the camel - it's that he's feeling bored in bed without it. And yeah, he does watch a lot of porn, so the things I don't do are constantly in the spotlight. But he says that's his only outlet if I won't do the things he wants.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> He's not a total jerk- it's just the jerky stuff that I need help with  He had a rough upbringing, filled with rejection, so I think that plays into his reactions. He only hears the 'no's' when they happen, and takes all the yesses for granted. There's are no's, but I would say it's not the default... but always the result of him pushing me for more than I'm comfortable with, so it's not an uncommon word either.
> 
> I don't think the anal stuff is the straw that broke the camel - it's that he's feeling bored in bed without it. And yeah, he does watch a lot of porn, so the things I don't do are constantly in the spotlight. But he says that's his only outlet if I won't do the things he wants.


OK, so there is a difference in perception maybe on the volume of "no's"?

Let's try to be concrete here:

What percentage of the time that he initiates are you enthusiastically saying "yes"?

What percentage are you saying "no"?

What percentage are you saying "yes" in words but engaging grudingly so that he might perceive a "no"


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> My 15 year marriage is on the brink of divorce.
> 
> ......by alternatives like oral sex or whatever if I really wasn't in the mood for intercourse. So we were usually intimate every other day in some way or another.
> 
> ...


Some advice from an old guy who has been married to the same woman over 44 years. Marriage is a constant renegotiation and compromise where you grow and stretch your and his limits over time.

The comment about never enough and walking on eggshells is something my wife said to me when we had a Sex Starved Marriage, prior to reconciling with a sex therapist.

You sound like you love this guy and would like to make it work. Ask him to go with you to marriage counseling with a sex therapist. Yes, a fetish by definition is a need, he probably doesn't have a true fetish. Tell him that a sex therapist can help both of you and that from what you know you are not broken and in need of fixing and he is not broken and in need of fixing either, but the two of you need to find a reasonable compromise you can both live with.

Threatening going outside of the marriage to get his "desires" met is not the sign of a husband who takes his marriage seriously. If he may have, make sure the two of you both get tested for STD's. I can understand why you separated.

Now it is clear he wants back and is saying he can compromise. Too bad the two of you couldn't have gotten to that point sooner.

You should remind him that you have tried it and didn't care for it, but you are willing to talk compromise to see if there is something that you can live with.




Chickaboom said:


> I think if he could go back in time, he would have chosen a different wife. *I think we both hoped our sex life would grow together, but under the pressure, I don't feel that mine held a fighting chance.*
> 
> It's not that it isn't a big deal to me that he feels rejected. *I have huge compassion for him, and hate seeing him so upset. * I guess I just don't feel that it's right for him to demand something that I'm so uncomfortable with. I have tried making compromises for him: we do kind of *hands off remote butt toys on him, as well as this pump thing. * Then I can use it while trying to focus on something else. But *the idea of actively penetrating him with a dido or strap on to me is just such a turn off.* Also we've tried ways that he can enjoy my rear, but couldn't find a way to please him enough without me jumping out of my skin. *I don't honestly know why it bothers me so much, but it does. * And with all the pressure to perform, I don't feel loved and treasured.
> 
> I just find myself wondering, is all his moodiness and passive aggressive type of behaviour a response to not having a sexual need met? Is this a want that he is selfishly perusing, or is it a need that he simply cannot live without? *If it agree to participate in this stuff that I really do not want to do, am I being a doormat or a loving wife? * I feel like a sex object right now, where everything done or not done throughout the day is just to try to get what he wants in bed. I am resentful, and he is mean, and it seems impossible to turn around.


This may be TMI, but I assume you are talking about using a "Fleshlight" anal model on him and the Aneros prostate massager? If so suggest them in your negotiations again, but ask him how you can make it more realistic for him, if you can again use them. (P.S. Fleshlight has an anal model you can get on hands and knees and hold between your thighs while he simulates anal on you. With the Aneros, it is male operated medical device that stimulates the prostate based on his contracting the annus, but you can hold him while this happens, verbally give him permission and stroke his head or chest and cuddle with him so he feels loved while getting his protate play.)

OK, pegging 101 for women. Take a couple minutes, have a glass of wine first and go to the following website and learn a little bit about what he might be emotionally going through and what might be motivating him in regards to you stimulating him anally, Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise It might change some of your attitudes.

You are a loving wife because you have tried. You are not a doormat because you put your foot down and said no. Educate yourself as to what he really wants. Use a sex therapist to help you talk to him about this and to find out what you are willing to do and if the sex therapist can suggest small steps or alternatives that might satisfy his desires that would not cross your boundaries. That is what sex therapists are trained to do.



Chickaboom said:


> He's not a total jerk- it's just the jerky stuff that I need help with  He had a rough upbringing, filled with rejection, so I think that plays into his reactions. * He only hears the 'no's' when they happen, and takes all the yesses for granted. * There's are no's, but I would say it's not the default... but always the result of him pushing me for more than I'm comfortable with, so it's not an uncommon word either.
> 
> *I don't think the anal stuff is the straw that broke the camel -* it's that he's feeling bored in bed without it. And yeah, he does watch a lot of porn, so the things I don't do are constantly in the spotlight. But he says that's his only outlet if I won't do the things he wants.


A few final suggestions. You might want to read Chapman's 5 languages of love and one of the newer books by David Schnarch.

My primary love languages are touch and words of affirmation/praise. Not sure what you H's are. But for me, if my wife wants me to feel unloved all she needs to do is not touch me, refuse to touch me, not praise me or worse criticize me. When you tell you H no are you doing it in a way that makes him feel unloved? I have told my wife that if she wants to critisize me she needs to tell me she loves me, touch me so I am feeling loved, THEN gently tell me the behavior change she desires, while holding me and then later praise me for something. 

One of the key concepts by Schnarch is that marriage is a crucible, one of the hardest things two people can do. It requires to people to stretch themself and grow in ways they don't think are possible. It also requires them to self-soothe when they come across something very unsettling, try it and then either own it or be true to themself and set a boundary. 

One of his examples is how in the world can two people French Kiss? He states that the idea of his putting his saliva in your mouth is just disgusting on the surface. But, people try it, find they can live with it and then they own it and actually can develop a like for it after a while.

I saw a really great TED talk by Ester Perl about affairs and if you watch it to the end, where she talks about her advice to couples who have had affairs about starting their next relationship with their spouse, you gain an interesting insight in to the boredom thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

Good luck to you. As someone who came very close to divorcing my wife because I was in a Sex Starved Marriage, I can tell you that saving a marriage is hard work, but very satisfying. A good Sex Therapist can help as can focusing on negotiating a compromise you can both live with.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

some really great balanced advice above. Bravo.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> OK, so there is a difference in perception maybe on the volume of "no's"?
> 
> Let's try to be concrete here:
> 
> ...


Enthusiastic yes 50%
No 25%

I don't grudgingly have sex very often. The other 25% is more like me saying I'm not in the mood for intercourse so i'll give him a bj or some other alternative 

But even with the enthusiastic yes's, he always hears no's because he asks for stuff outside my comfort zone


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> *So we were usually intimate every other day in some way or another.*
> 
> But it's never been enough, and he is never happy. He gets extremely moody, and gives me the silent treatment.
> *He now wants to compromise... if I give him one night a month where I won't say no to his fetish, and have sex at a couple times a week*, he will come back and be a happy, easier to live with guy, as he won't be sex starved. What do you think? Is this a need I have to meet, or a want that he shouldn't be insisting on?


The proposed compromise seems to be at odds (much lower) with what you say your frequency was. Which one is true? Or does "intimate in some way" mean something he does not equate to sex?


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Some advice from an old guy who has been married to the same woman over 44 years. Marriage is a constant renegotiation and compromise where you grow and stretch your and his limits over time.
> 
> The comment about never enough and walking on eggshells is something my wife said to me when we had a Sex Starved Marriage, prior to reconciling with a sex therapist.
> 
> ...


Thanks for all of this! 

I have some reading and thinking to do


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> Enthusiastic yes 50%
> No 25%
> 
> I don't grudgingly have sex very often. The other 25% is more like me saying I'm not in the mood for intercourse so i'll give him a bj or some other alternative
> ...


OK, this is very good info.

On the stuff outside your comfort zone:

I totally understand where you are coming from there and your husband frankly sounds like a d-ck for pushing this stuff so hard. 

You're not likely to see eye to on this though. This is the tough part. He really wants it, you really don't want it. There's really no room for compromise.

Where there IS room for improvement is in the other stuff.

Can you tell him flat out that you have these boundaries, you're never going to be into these few specific things (be very specific here), BUT you want to rock his world in ANY OTHER WAY.

Then enthusiastically deliver on that.

No saying"no" just because you're not precisely in the mood that night.

Let him see that he can have it VERY good with you if he can find a way to drop the annoying and aggressive requests for these particular acts.

This is about working together to create something different from maybe what either of you would choose individually, but which is much better than either of you getting hung up on this one thing.

Edit:

To be honest, the rejection rate is pretty high. That level of rejection will do damage.

You've got to take some responsibility for that, just like he has to take responsibility for pushing too hard on the specific sex acts.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> Enthusiastic yes 50%
> No 25%
> 
> I don't grudgingly have sex very often. The other 25% is more like me saying I'm not in the mood for intercourse so i'll give him a bj or some other alternative


If you are at this level of yes's (and you haven't beaten down his request rate over the years) then you are doing your part.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

To get some perspective on how often you say no... How many times per week would you say he is asking?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

anonmd said:


> If you are at this level of yes's (and you haven't beaten down his request rate over the years) then you are doing your part.


I read it as a 50% "no" rate.

If it's no better than a coin flip, it would be easy to say f- it.

My perspective is that in a healthy relationship, rejection should be very rare. Like maybe 5% of the time max.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Frequency has always been an issue from what she says, 5% would imply matched drives - ain't gonna happen here.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> He wants to have playtime with my rear (orally) as knows I can't do penetration due to nasty injury from childbirth. The rest he wants me to do to him with toys.


Ewwww.... sorry to judge but your husband is gross.

Food, sex and intimacy are needs. What you described sounds like a mental disorder. 

Continue to divorce him and find someone not broken to be with.


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Ewwww.... sorry to judge but your husband is gross.
> 
> Food, sex and intimacy are needs. What you described sounds like a mental disorder.
> 
> Continue to divorce him and find someone not broken to be with.


Broken ?
Mental Disorder?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Frequency has always been an issue from what she says, 5% would imply matched drives - ain't gonna happen here.


good point


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

If he wants to state it's a need, well that's on him. But, your need to maintain safety and boundaries are also needs. In fact, I think safety and boundaries > fetish needs.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Chickaboom said:


> I don't think the anal stuff is the straw that broke the camel - it's that he's feeling bored in bed without it. And yeah, he does watch a lot of porn, so the things I don't do are constantly in the spotlight. But he says that's his only outlet if I won't do the things he wants.


See, I think porn is one of the biggest threats facing marriages today, easily. I'm not going to go so far as to say that it is equal to cheating, but what he is doing is consistently reprogramming his brain and his libido. He's repeatedly hyper-reinforcing that what he is viewing/reading is what sex is/should be or could be. He's satisfying his itches without you, and it will only get progressively more extreme.

In many ways, sexual arousal is a progressive condition. In a healthy marriage, a couple experiences their sex lives together. In time, most marriages need to change up some things every now and then to keep it fresh, because we can't get excited by the same thing over and over again. It's like the difference in how your body reacts to a couple of beer's the first time you try it, vs. how it reacts to a couple of beer's years later as an adult casual drinker. By progressing together with your spouse, its easier to maintain communication, you won't feel out of step, and you don't see as much extreme interests popping up.

With porn, he can very easily and quickly explore any remote kinky fetish scenario that comes to mind. In time, that fetish gets a little boring so he moves on to the next one, and so on and so on. This gets reinforced every single day, each one more exciting than the last, all involving perfect specimens of the human body, doing and acting exactly the way he likes. Wow would he love to experience that in real life right? But DARN, he's married, to the same woman every day who maybe has put on a few pounds or is usually tired or he just saw her have a bowel movement a few moments ago or she is in a bad mood or whatever other imperfections you might have. Oh well! 

At this point however, plain "vanilla" sex or BJ's or whatever are going to be pretty boring for him. In porn-trained imagination land he could have anything he wanted, even the really kinky/dirty stuff that he would never admit to you about, so vanilla sex with his imperfect wife might be a struggle. This is where the kinkier fetishes will come into play. Not only will he try to introduce these, but he'll feel somewhat entitled to experience them with you because this is his version of what sex is supposed to be, and you're supposed to want to do this for him. So if you aren't open to these things, not only will there be feelings of rejection and disrespect, but he'll also feel like he's missing out on this amazing kinky lifestyle that other men are out there experiencing with their sexually obedient porn-star wives. In time, he's always mentally comparing you every single night, and it's silently eroding the marriage.

I'm not saying every husband who uses porn will cheat or leave their wives, but I'm VERY confident that every marriage where one spouse is using porn is being slowly damaged by it over time. It's just a lose-lose situation, plus its and enormous insult to you to suggest that he HAS to go elsewhere in order to get his kicks when you won't do it for him.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

anonmd said:


> The proposed compromise seems to be at odds (much lower) with what you say your frequency was. Which one is true? Or does "intimate in some way" mean something he does not equate to sex?


Yeah, not always sex, but sometimes bj or toys for him if I'm not in the mood for sex.

He's actually drawn up a schedule, (he likes predictability) which I tried unsuccessfully to summarize:

Sexy Saturday every weekend, alternating between he gets it how he wants and I get it how I want (with one of his Saturdays a month being the night where he gets his itch for anal play scratched. Then aside from that, sex a couple more times a week between Saturdays, but with time for intimacy nightly, even if it's non-sexual.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> Yeah, not always sex, but sometimes bj or toys for him if I'm not in the mood for sex.
> 
> He's actually drawn up a schedule, (he likes predictability) which I tried unsuccessfully to summarize:
> 
> Sexy Saturday every weekend, alternating between he gets it how he wants and I get it how I want (with one of his Saturdays a month being the night where he gets his itch for anal play scratched. Then aside from that, sex a couple more times a week between Saturdays, but with time for intimacy nightly, even if it's non-sexual.


Wow. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?! Not.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> To get some perspective on how often you say no... How many times per week would you say he is asking?


Probably about 5 times a week


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> good point


Yeah... TBH I'm good with pretty vanilla sex a few times a month. So to try and be enthusiastic few times a week feels like I'm already giving a lot. And I try to not leave him with nothing all the time when I say no - I just try to make it a quick event, like a bj to get him started or whatever. Sometimes he needs to hear no because I get heaps of headaches, and being a mom of young kids is a pretty tiring job and I just want sleep!


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Wow. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?! Not.


yaaaaaaah, my sentiments exactly. And you can imagine how much I look forward to "his" Satuday


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> Yeah... TBH I'm good with pretty vanilla sex a few times a month. So to try and be enthusiastic few times a week feels like I'm already giving a lot. And I try to not leave him with nothing all the time when I say no - I just try to make it a quick event, like a bj to get him started or whatever. Sometimes he needs to hear no because I get heaps of headaches, and being a mom of young kids is a pretty tiring job and I just want sleep!


Me and my W were arguing about this a couple nights ago. She took a big step in enthusiasm the other day with me and I pushed a little further with 'ok well how bout this now?' She said she was not comfortable with the idea and I got upset and overreacted barely acknowledging her spectacular performance just earlier. Felt like such a jerk. You gotta give a lil to get a lil. 

When you give a lil like that, does he acknowledge it and show appreciation?


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> See, I think porn is one of the biggest threats facing marriages today, easily. I'm not going to go so far as to say that it is equal to cheating, but what he is doing is consistently reprogramming his brain and his libido. He's repeatedly hyper-reinforcing that what he is viewing/reading is what sex is/should be or could be. He's satisfying his itches without you, and it will only get progressively more extreme.
> 
> In many ways, sexual arousal is a progressive condition. In a healthy marriage, a couple experiences their sex lives together. In time, most marriages need to change up some things every now and then to keep it fresh, because we can't get excited by the same thing over and over again. It's like the difference in how your body reacts to a couple of beer's the first time you try it, vs. how it reacts to a couple of beer's years later as an adult casual drinker. By progressing together with your spouse, its easier to maintain communication, you won't feel out of step, and you don't see as much extreme interests popping up.
> 
> ...


I really agree with you, and I want to make quitting porn a condition of us getting back together. He very much disagrees.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Chickaboom said:


> Yeah, not always sex, but sometimes bj or toys for him if I'm not in the mood for sex.
> 
> He's actually drawn up a schedule, (he likes predictability) which I tried unsuccessfully to summarize:
> 
> Sexy Saturday every weekend, alternating between he gets it how he wants and I get it how I want (with one of his Saturdays a month being the night where he gets his itch for anal play scratched. Then aside from that, sex a couple more times a week between Saturdays, but with time for intimacy nightly, even if it's non-sexual.


Well I think that BJs and toys when you're not in the mood is more than enough for meeting him where he's at. It doesn't sound like he respects your boundaries enough at all and is very ungrateful. I think there are plenty of men out there who would be grateful to receive your loving.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> I really agree with you, and I want to make quitting porn a condition of us getting back together. He very much disagrees.


Talk this one over with a marriage counselor/sex therapist. The sex therapist that helped reconcile my wife and me, gave us very explicit videos on sex acts (women friendly, but ranging from soft porn to pretty hard core porn depending on the sex act/situation being demonstrated).

If for example, the two of you decide you want to try something "unusual" that neither of you has experience with, then the right kind of video might be both a way to explore what you need to know as well as a kind of aversion therapy treatment. That is if you are afraid of something (lets say a fear of spiders) then being exposed to that fear (say seeing people handling spiders and not freaking out) can be a theraputic way to overcome some of your fear. (you can substitute you most frightening sex act for the word spider in the previous sentence.) Scharch would call such viewing a way of stretching your comfort level and allowing you to self soothe in a more controlled setting than your own bedroom.

If you are curious, our sex therapist provided us with copies of all of the Sinclair Institute's Better Sex Instructional series associated with certain sexual positions to help my wife with some of her inhibitions. In theory they were "educational," in reality they were porn.

See the following advertisement in AARP AARP The Magazine - February/March 2013

Some porn is degrading toward women and doing away with that is fine. Some guys become addicted to porn and stopping such an addiction is fine. 

Good luck to you. Keep an open mind.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Wow. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?! Not.


Interesting.

When did this scheduling start?
When did his behavior change?
When did he start the silent treatment?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Chickaboom said:


> Yeah, not always sex, but sometimes bj or toys for him if I'm not in the mood for sex.
> 
> He's actually drawn up a schedule, (he likes predictability) which I tried unsuccessfully to summarize:
> 
> Sexy Saturday every weekend, alternating between he gets it how he wants and I get it how I want (with one of his Saturdays a month being the night where he gets his itch for anal play scratched. Then aside from that, sex a couple more times a week between Saturdays, but with time for intimacy nightly, even if it's non-sexual.


Sounds like you are making a real effort for him. While I am not of the porn negative point of view, he does seem to be susceptible to negative impacts. If he wants to 'compromise' and you want to reconcile I do think it is fair to insist he cut out porn for at least a few months and see if that helps.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LostinNE said:


> Broken ?
> Mental Disorder?


Do you think it is normal to leave your wife because she won't let you lick her bum hole?

Fine, OP I have a better idea. Don't wipe down there or shower for a few days and don't tell him your doing this. Then when it becomes unbearable for you tell him he's free to go to town.

Maybe that will change his tune...


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Do you think it is normal to leave your wife because she won't let you lick her bum hole?
> 
> Fine, OP I have a better idea. Don't wipe down there or shower for a few days and don't tell him your doing this. Then when it becomes unbearable for you tell him he's free to go to town.
> 
> Maybe that will change his tune...


Ha! Love it!


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Interesting.
> 
> When did this scheduling start?
> When did his behavior change?
> When did he start the silent treatment?


He's tried to make sexy Saturday's a thing for the last couple years. Then last year, he was wanting to try having quarterly wild nights where I'd try to put up with the things he wanted, and he'd video it for later to suffice him. Now, since we've been separated, he's thinking a schedule like this might make it so he's less anxious, knowing that his "turn" is coming, and I feel less pressure, knowing that he'll not be asking for those things as often.

Over the last few years, his behaviour has been getting much worse, in terms of moodiness and drinking and smoking pot. But silent treatments and that sort of thing has been going on so long that I can't recall.


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?


Not at all. Sex is very mental for women. With what you're dealing with, it's not surprising that you don't miss it.

My ex-husband behaved similarly about porn and sex. When I left him, it was quite a while before I missed sex at all, and I never missed sex with him specifically.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a lower drive anyway, and you've been under a lot of pressure. I'd say it's pretty normal to feel like you do.


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Do you think it is normal to leave your wife because she won't let you lick her bum hole?
> 
> Fine, OP I have a better idea. Don't wipe down there or shower for a few days and don't tell him your doing this. Then when it becomes unbearable for you tell him he's free to go to town.
> 
> Maybe that will change his tune...


From what I gathered, anal-oral play she didn't mind and it was the idea of 'her anally penetrating him' that was the main issue. 

So to answer your question, If either of those activities is extremely important to one spouse and can't get it, than Yes, it is 'reasonable' to leave the relationship. 

I use the word Reasonable instead of Normal. Since relationships and especially sexual relationships are so complicated with layers of variables, I don't really get to decide what is normal or reasonable for other people.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I don't really see a path toward reconcilliation from what you've described. 

You're both in your corners. 

Based on what you've posted, I think that you're being more reasonable than your husband, but I'm sure he has the opposite perspective so that does not really matter within the context of your relationship. 

As long as you both judge each other's needs and boundaries through your own lense and fail to really try to see the other's perspective, you will be stuck and grow increasingly frustrated. 

It would be better to admit you are incapable of (or do not have the desire to) adopt this mindset rather than doing further damage to yourself. 

It's a tough situation which neither of you exactly chose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LostinNE said:


> I use the word Reasonable instead of Normal.


Whatever, in this particular usage I meant it similarly. I'll concede to "reasonable" if you prefer so the point is not lost.

In an event, if anal was SO important to him, he shouldn't of married her in the first place since she wasn't into it. Now if she was in it then decided right after marriage she wasn't anymore then hubby might have a leg to stand on but that doesn't sound like the case. Even then, to say anal is anymore of a 'need' than McDonalds or videogames is absurd. It's a want not a need.

When you marry someone the vetting process is over. You've decided to accept who they are good and bad. To make it an issue enough to cause separation AFTER the fact mean he's basically a selfish a$$hole not worth staying married to in the first place. Maybe he should work on changing himself rather than the OP.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

In your 15 years of marriage, for how many years has he been requesting this fetish? Has he become more insistent in recent years or been insistent the whole marriage?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> He's tried to make sexy Saturday's a thing for the last couple years. Then last year, he was wanting to try having quarterly wild nights where I'd try to put up with the things he wanted, and he'd video it for later to suffice him. Now, since we've been separated, he's thinking a schedule like this might make it so he's less anxious, knowing that his "turn" is coming, and I feel less pressure, knowing that he'll not be asking for those things as often.
> 
> Over the last few years, his behaviour has been getting much worse, in terms of moodiness and drinking and smoking pot. But silent treatments and that sort of thing has been going on so long that I can't recall.





Chickaboom said:


> We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?


Thanks for answering because it adds a new layer. So, basically, you both resent each other and your marriage went down the tubes. We see it here all of the time. LD vs HD and whoever posts seems more reasonable. No, I am not doubting you or saying you are a liar. Just saying it is some where in between. You don't miss sex and he gave you a clue by saying he was disturbed when he hasn't had it for the same amount of time. No offense to you, but the anal play was your line in the sand. His seems to be non-exploration and frequency. People get angry, but it is okay to end things for sexual incompatibility. I used to be save at all costs, but some of the misery on this and other boards I now say divorce. No one, in my book, should do things they do not like.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Chickaboom said:


> We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?


No. The guy does not sound like cares about YOU at all. Just the holes you offer. I just dumped a BF just like him. Holy cow has breathing been easier since then.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He gives you the silent treatment to control you you. It's very passive aggressive. 

Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean you owe it to them to do things that you aren't comfortable with. This seems to be all about him him him, and if he doesn't get his way, he will be moody and scary and give the silent treatment, and even leave you. 

You deserve better than this.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Oh and the smoking and the drinking are no small concern.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Chickaboom said:


> I really agree with you, and I want to make quitting porn a condition of us getting back together. He very much disagrees.


Yeah, the problem is, and most folks won't admit this, but most men are addicted to porn. Yes, I'm using the word addicted. I don't say that to condemn, and I understand why many/most won't agree because it sure doesn't feel like it to them. But if you try to stop and you can't, or you try to stop and you start noticing physical and/or mental changes in short order, or you realize that you are hiding it from others, it means you've got an addiction. I didn't believe it until I tried. Women can be sucked into it as well.

So to you it might not seem like a big deal asking him to quit, like asking him to stop watching dumb reality tv shows or something like that. Not a big deal, he can find some other way to enjoy his free time right? I can just tell you right now, unless he comes to accept that it is REALLY BAD for the marriage and his own sexual development (I'm not even commenting on the moral issues here) and realize that he's addicted and get genuine clinical help and daily accountability, then he is not going to give it up. If he says he will, I'm sure he'll just take it underground and keep it a secret.



Chickaboom said:


> We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?


Not at all. For a long time now sex has been made into a very stressful chore. Heck, if he hadn't been pressuring you so hard for all these years, making you feel guilty for your discomfort, making you feel like you'll lose your marriage or he will cheat if you don't comply, etc., then you might actually miss sex if it were an all-around enjoyable experience for you. He's just not considering the damage he's caused all these years.


I think I sort of alluded to it earlier, but if he moved out because of your unwillingness to meet his sexual demands, and actually directly said that he would be seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere... how do you feel about that? If he really moved out (or is just staying somewhere else now for a few weeks) then you've got to believe that he has engaged sexually with other people since then. How do you feel about the prospect of him having cheated on you without remorse?

Lastly, I'm wondering what other kind of kinks or sexual interests has he tried to get you to consider? I'm curious, has he ever suggested involving other people? Like a threesome or more? With just women, or men too?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I have fetishes that have gone completely unmet in my 25 year marriage. I realize they go beyond what my wife is comfortable with, they are by no means sick or twisted and are not uncommon. I have learned to survive without fulfillment. I would never push her like your husband is pushing you, i wouldn't leave her because of it either.

I suspect this is the case in many relationships. Your husband is out of line.

My wife has a few fetishes as well, i let her enjoy them because i enjoy seeing her lose a bit of control. They dont go beyond what i am comfortable with, they just dont do anything for me from the physical arousal standpoint.

Of course i speak from past experience because nobody is enjoying anything sexual in my relationship lately, but thats another story.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I also wouldn't blow up a marriage over a particular fetish.

I just get the sense there is a lot more going on here (on both sides) than just this one thing.

This one thing happens to be the thing you're locking horns over right now. To be honest, his desire seems pretty weird to me, but whatever floats your boat. Some people clearly don't have a problem with it, otherwise it wouldn't be a "thing."

I would bet if everything else was going well, this one thing wouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle for either person. 

But it's certainly possible that he's fixated on this to an insane degree. If that is the case, IMO he's got serious problems.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Perhaps I have a wrong concept of fetish, but it seems to be being used a little too lightly in this thread.

What is FETISH? definition of FETISH (Psychology Dictionary)



> 1. An object that is not sexual but will arouse sexual interest. 2. Behaviour that involves fetishism. See object fetish. 3. Anthropology 4. An idea or goal that elicits special devotion.
> FETISH: "Fetish always increases the sexual excitement. Joe had a fetish about Lyn's toes."


Most prostitution laws include stimulation of anus as a sexual act. Is it a non sexual object that will arouse sexual interest? I don't think that prostitution laws would view it as a non-sexual object. Not main stream, sure; but not non-sexual. 

Some men have a foot fetish, that requires them to see or rub against a foot in order to orgasm. Some require certain objects in order to have an erection. The OP's husband has non-anal sex with his wife, has BJ's, etc. 

That doesn't sound like a full blown clinical fetish to me. Licking an anus is also considered a sexual act, not something I would want to do, but there are lots of different things out there that turn people on. Again, not all those things are fetishes.

I wish the OP well and suggest working with a sex therapist to provide counseling for her and her H.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't lift a finger for a d0uchebag that told me he'd cheat if I didn't engage his fetish. That reeks of an extremely selfish individual. Maybe I missed it but what kind of effort does he make to accommodate your preferences? Or does he just bully every day until you put out?

If he didn't harass and threaten to cheat and I knew it was important to him I might make some effort. 

I'm going to guess that very little of your sex life was about you. .... that's why you don't miss it.

My ex once asked me if I had needs.....i told him sure, they've just never been met by you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Chickaboom said:


> We've been separated for a 2.5 weeks now, (so no sex for like 3 weeks) and he asked me this evening if I miss sex. I don't. He was greatly disturbed by that. Am I totally abnormal?



You don't miss sex with "him". lol


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't lift a finger for a d0uchebag that told me he'd cheat if I didn't engage his fetish. That reeks of an extremely selfish individual. Maybe I missed it but what kind of effort does he make to accommodate your preferences? Or does he just bully every day until you put out?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



OMFG! Can you "like" something twice here??!!?!?!???


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