# May Move To Reconciliation Forum



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

We spoke about his EA (no PA). He blamed me because I had withdrawn, used him as a punching bag and ignored his existence.
Guilty, guilty , guilty but NOT guilty over his choice of EA. Told him he had choice, he was not a puppet on a string. I recently was given the same scenario and chose priniciples over ego.

He said he was in love with her but not anymore. She had a lot of baggage. AP's children and husband found out and now she is working on her marriage. I guess when that discovery date occurred, the fog lifted. I said it was a fantasy and he agreed.

I asked him if he was still in contact and he replied hardly. I said if there was any real reconciliation betwen us to take place he would have to go NC. He said he has no problem doing that. I said do it now, you're an appendage to her marriage.

I could see pain on my ex's face and there was pain for me too. This was not easy but it was a lot easier than I imagined. He wants a clean slate, I told him we have to discuss and understand first. He agreed. Then he told me what led up to the EA. And I agreed, I had not been a wife or companion for a couple of years. All he said was true. I said with all of this I could forgive him because I am a FANTASTIC person.

Funny I was fixated on the EA and he was fixated on me detaching from him. 

He said this should never had happened. But I said I needed to go through this to reach where I am at today and if asked whether I would go through it again, I replied yes to get where I am at today. I am stronger and wiser and more understanding than I was. So many mores.

This took four hours and I am obviously condensing it but we have agreed to a golf game. He asked me to call and I said no you call.

I guess I may move to the reconciliation page.

If you were to tell me that I would go from:

Coping with infidelity to considering divorce to going through divorce to divorce to reconciliation. I would not have believed you. What a frekkin rollercoaster. But I am continuing my life as is.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

You both acknowledged your faults in the relationship. Both of you seem like you want to move forward and strengthen the relationship. Good for you! Keep up this attitude of determination!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sparkles,
I sure do understand the willingness to R. 
Theres just so much to what your husband is saying and doing that seems a bit drifty.
Not in love with the OW anymore, why, because HE made the choice to do the right thing, or because shes done with him and trying to piece back together her life?
And Lo and Behold who do we have waiting patiently in the sidelines? 

I dont want to detract from something that might be awesome for you; but at least if you try that again, keep a bullet proof vest on (figuratively speaking), you know what to look for, and know what the flags indicate. 
No faults in a relationship justify the emotional murder that is having an affair on your spouse. Its a big deal for a reason.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Sparkles,
> I sure do understand the willingness to R.
> Theres just so much to what your husband is saying and doing that seems a bit drifty.
> Not in love with the OW anymore, why, because HE made the choice to do the right thing, or because shes done with him and trying to piece back together her life?
> ...


:iagree: Things CANNOT be the same as they were. Both of you need to make changes and move forward on having a stronger, more committed relationship with each other.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

He said he would go NC. He said he was closing his match.etc a/c. 
I did say "What am I the gift in the Cracker Jack Box?" I told him in order for this to work, we need complete honesty, to value each other and nc. He wants this, he said.

He, also, said that he has never gone back to a relationship and I know this to be true and I told him I have never either.

He could not answer my question as to why he wanted to resurrect this. He only said that the divorce had been so ugly. It actually wasn't, it was easy. But the pain made it ugly. He is not ready to admit why. His lip trembles when he is asked. Remember the episode that started this whole thing is what I said to him when he could not perform. He felt emasculated. There is much to this that I have not gone into.

It's baby steps. If it works great, if it doesn't that's okay too. I am re-building my new life and that is not going to stop.

I am not a consolation prize and if that is what he is doing, then this will not work. 

I asked about the ea, he said he was in love but no longer. I asked whether they had any other conversation other than how they feel. He couldn't answer and when he did he said she was a rabid republican (sorry) and they all have an iq of 30. So I said you were in love with a fantasy and he replied, yes.

Look this was just one very long discussion. I can't gauge at this point the feelings he may or may not have. He told me he has had no physical affairs and I believe him. He told me the truth about everything that I asked unless it was something he hadn't thought of or didn't know yet. He told me he has never gone back to a relationship before and this is the first one.

Only time will tell and I will live whether or not.


All I know is that this gave me closure. Whether this will be successful or not is up to the work we put into it and God. If it is not successful, I went through the fire of re-birth and this will not come close to that. I have grown way too much.

Thanks Shoo, but I don't need a bulletproof vest, I have me today and God.


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

hehe My IQ is 42! 

Hope things work for you Sparkles. Soounds like you understand to remain guarded somewhat... but in the end, for it to work, those walls will have to come down. *HUGS*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sparkles, if he is genuine then I am happy for you and truly hope you and him can work it out. But I just hate the thought of you being strung along by him... you say you are not a consolation prize but that is exactly how I perceive he is treating you as - he thought he had something better lined up, discarded you, picked no.1 over the runner-up, now the no.1 choice was disqualified what does that make you to him?

Stay guarded, but keep your heart open, enjoy rediscovering what he can bring to the relationship and enjoy letting yourself grow back into one with him. You are starting anew, it is supposed to be a joyful time, if it isn't and you need to force it stop and ask yourself if its what you truly want.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

hi Sparkles. I am truly happy that you guys are trying to work it out.
It is a long hard road with lots of bumps. Don't be surprised if you want to stop the process, feel angry, hate him, love him, want to smack him in the eyes with a stick. 
Good luck.


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