# I feel like I'm slipping away



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

While I find myself slowly getting over the OW each day (5+ weeks since my EA was discovered), there are days where I feel like the same is happening with my marriage. My wife is stressed to the breaking point from watching my every move and emotion. She's in constant fear of my next move or thought. Always asking me if I'm okay, what am I doing, what do I want to do, suggesting things to do, etc.

At times it feels like we are both "acting" like we did years ago, but not "living" it, in an effort to keep the marriage from dissolving. It's starting to take it's toll on me more each day. I'm sure it's not doing my wife any good either.

I've told her several times that I feel that one day soon we are going to look at each other and say "Well, we tried our best." and agree that the marriage has come to an end (I don't say "failure" because the decades invested yielded great returns over the years. It's starting to feel like we reached the end of the road, completed the job at hand, compliment each other on a job well done, and now it's time to retire and part ways). Naturally, this doesn't spur a happy conversation. But it does get us thinking and talking. 

In addition to the aforementioned, I've been seeing her as strictly a sexual object lately. Someone to help me satisfy my lust. It's not passionate or romantic at all. And that really bothers me when that's all it is. 

I know it hasn't been very long since being caught, but I'm getting impatient with myself and my feelings. There are several quotes and lyrics I keep thinking of:
- "Get busy living, or get busy dying"
- "It's my life. It's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I'm alive"

Selfish thoughts? They can be. They can also include other people as well. If I'm not moving forward, I'm either in limbo or stuck. I hate not moving forward.

It's going to be another tough day, I can see that clearly. I feel like ripping up my roots, clocking out for the last time, and heading on down the road to finish my life by rewarding myself for all of the "Being a Nice Guy" things I did for others at my expense. Would this be bad if I came out smiling on the other side versus the way I feel now?

Being a cheater sucks. Being a carpet for others isn't any fun either. Both were my choices.

Just needed to vent.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Was your affair striclty an emotional affair? I've been reading your posts periodically. I value what you're saying on this forum and I do hope that your experience can teach others.

My husband was previously married and had an emotional affair with another woman - he still maintains to this day that it wasn't cheating because he 'never touched her'. I'm sure his ex-wife has a different spin on things. 

And I've been through it on boths sides. Cheated, cheatee, emotional, physical. They are both painful. I don't cheat anymore. I I learned my lesson.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Can't remember from your other post - are you either individually or together in any type of counseling? Sounds like it may really help. Remember the two of you are trying to eat an emotional elephant, you can't simply "man up" swallow it and put it behind you. To deal with this you must eat it one unpleasant bite at a time. 

IMO the two most important things right now are 1. to talk to each other, lean on each other, work through this TOGETHER. 2. For both of you to recognize that neither of you are in a place mentally or emotionally to make life changing decisions - so don't. Choose to believe and act upon what you knew before your affair. As you continue to work on it new things will come to you - I promise. I have figured out all kinds of things about why and myself that 5 weeks in I could never have answered. Recovery and reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint. As you said in a post yesterday - there are good days and bad, steps forward and backward. Just keep pushing through it and striving to reconcile your marriage, it's hard but you knew it would be.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

HT, do you *know *that you want to reconcile with your wife or are you trying to convince yourself that you want to reconcile with your wife?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Candie: EA only. It's still cheating with your heart.

@Sigma: Right now, I'm in IC. No MC as of yet. She might not want to out of fear. I have to wait and see. I can't push her right now. But I agree that MC would help me, and hopefully her as well. In the meantime, I try to keep talking. She's starting to block it because the content hurts her. She swept it under the rug too fast in my opinion. 

@Karole: That is just one of the many questions I have for myself. I'm stuck analyzing everything in the world right now. I question my wife's motives as well. Nothing is clear as long as I'm still in a fog.

If I was told that I had to make a firm, lasting, can't be undone decision right now this second, I would give up, divorce, be alone, and try to continue on the best I could. Why? Because this still could happen even after IC, MC, and more time. But since I have more time, I'm going to give it my best and live with the outcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are really early in this thing. Only 5 weeks. 

What do you want? Answer that honestly.


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

I sometimes too feel like I am slipping away. I've changed my bad habits that were ruining our marriage, but when I bring in good habits or changes H questions like crazy, why now? Feel like I'm stuck in limbo, H doesn't want the old ways but can't accept the new changed me. Then when I make mistakes, because I'm not perfect, we are back at ground zero. Just yesterday, after disclosing that I've read his private journal over the weekend, he's accused me of continuing on or talking with OM (as a back-up). I have proved and reassured that there is nobody else but everytime I struggle with trying to heal myself and/or show I have faults, other then the affair, it leads to him believing I'm still having an affair. Sometimes I can't leave the house (to go to work) with make-up on and dressed nice because he automaticly assumes I'm meeting someone. I simply just want to feel good about myself but he makes me feel guilty for doing so, like I should have no more self worth. I know I have to be stronger and not let the negatives get me down. These are the bad days and I know better ones are yet to come.

Hang in there.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@JellyBeans: I want to be happy, regardless of my role as a husband or ex-husband. My nature is to make others happy first, and me last. I'm tired of doing that. I've done that all my life, and it has taken it's toll on me. But marriage is something different than just making someone happy. And it's also not a quality marriage when one or both is not happy. That's as close of an answer I am able to develop at this time.

@Butterfly: Thank you. I know I have changed as well. There are new aspects to me that I plan to keep, and some old ones that I'm trying to get back. I have to change if I don't want the temptation of an affair again. If I got back to exactly who I was, I will likely cheat again and be better at hiding it since I know how I got caught this time. That's a life I don't want. I'd rather "really live" my life to the fullest I can. And I'm willing to do that with my wife, or on my own if she can't accept my change. I've worked since a very young age, missed out on many aspects of life while I worked instead, sacrificed much to meet my personal life goals. I'm done playing by those rules. I want a smile on my face, an in my heart, very day from now on.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Plus if you really don't have your heart set on being with your wife, your wife deserves to be with someone that does.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So True SF, his wife most definitely does not deserve what she is going through.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Plus if you really don't have your heart set on being with your wife, your wife deserves to be with someone that does.


I agree. And I meant...do you want to be married to your wife or not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most of your posts come across like you're not that into your marriage or recomitting to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree in that my wife does not deserve this. No BS deserves it.

I also agree that if I discover that I've lost the desire to be with my wife, that she deserves to be with someone that does.

The fact that I'm in a fog doesn't help my thinking at all. I'm questioning my thoughts on everything that I once trusted to be true and factual. I did this to myself. I am committed to trying to save my marriage. But it has to be real and beyond further questioning on my part. My wife deserves real love that is true. I hope that I find that in me to give to her. I'm just being honest on how confused, lost, screwed-up I am right now. 

But most important is that my wife is hurting and worried. I need to stay focused on her needs. I want her hurting and worrying to end. And I want to quit questioning everything and start living again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wonder how you would feel if your wife filed for divorce today and said she was done. 

And then the OW didn't want you in her life. 

Would you want wife back, want the marriage? Or would you just say Okay and be happier?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Given my current state of mind and how she has not punished me much at all, I would probably accept the divorce as my punishment from her. I wouldn't like it, but it could happen any day in the future. 

The OW wants nothing to do with me now. So that's not an option. Being alone is the only option if I were to divorce.

I'd want her back if I knew we both were trying our best to keep the marriage alive, and that we still had more to do. Anything else would likely be fake. And she doesn't deserve that. If it did end, I would grieve the end of our marriage. But I would not be happy, since I know I caused it to end and hurt her permanently.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It does not sound like you are committed to your marriage.

And if that is the case, I think the cruellest thing you could do is stay with her just to placate her while you are not fully invested in the marriage. 

It wastes her time and yours as well.

Just saying...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I understand what you are saying. I'm confused, and I'm being honest about me being unsure about everything (love, work, hobbies, etc.). I don't trust my own ability to make a decision on anything right now.

Thanks for being honest and direct


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> It does not sound like you are committed to your marriage.
> 
> And if that is the case, I think the cruellest thing you could do is stay with her just to placate her while you are not fully invested in the marriage.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Selfish and cruel as she twists in the wind, you are deciding if you still love her enough to do the thing you should have done earlier, by putting in the hard work. 
It appears the only reason you are giving your marriage a second chance is because your affair partner wants nothing to do with you. Nowhere in your posts do I see that you wouldn't run arms wide open back to the hussy if she were to take you back. Your wife, your faithful wife and the mother of your children who even now is standing by you and helping you with your pain while sidelining her own and yet she went from Plan B to Plan A because the original Plan A left the situation. Your wife is an option to you.


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## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

Remember your only 5 wks past dday. I'm 7 mos past and still question thoughts, flip back and forth, get confused at what I feel is important. You too will go through a roller coaster of emotions, I still do, mostly stemming from my own guilt and trying to be a better person. I think it's OK to say your confused, lost & screwed-up. You too need to share those feelings with your wife but reassure her that your going to be there for her during the hardest part of your lives. We can't just start living when we are broken. You too have to forgive yourself to be happy, it all takes time and patience.

When I was caught in my affairs my H immediately left me, I had no clue where he went, turned dark for 2 days. I was cut off at my knees, because I knew he would divorce me. Why I didn't think of these things while in my affairs, I was dumb & selfish amoungst other things. It was then I realized what I truely would be missing. I snapped out of the fog almost instantly, cut ties w/ OM, deleted everything. Even if he was going to leave me I wanted nothing to do with my affairs. I wanted my H back, whatever it took I'm going to do it. And we are fighting everyday to save our marriage because we know it's worth it. Even though I (we) still get confused and lost as to what I (we)really want today, 7 mos later, I know my first reaction (to save my marriage) was my true feelings. I know I would be more lost and confused without my H.

I read 'Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, great book for explaining how one accepts and gives (shows) love. We learned that we were not speaking each others love language and therefore didn't feel the love from one another, which began our fall years ago. But understanding today has given us a huge step forward. I feel more and give more love now that ever before.

Don't give up to soon!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I admit it appears cruel and selfish. I want to do the heavy lifting and earn her back. The fact the she isn't having me do it is probably part of the problem. It's like committing a crime and getting a reward instead of punishment.

Since I'm still in a fog over the OW as well, the drug still has it's pull on me. I admit it. But I also know that it fades more each day. I also know that running to her would just be a pit stop in life, and not a permanent relationship.

I even told my counselor that I want my wife to kick my butt and make me earn her back. Perhaps the fact that she isn't doing that is raising questions as to my value to her. If the tables were turned, would I make her earn me back? I can't answer that question right now either. 

I don't like that you think that I believe my wife is an option to me. But I can't come up with a response that can explain how her happiness is first and foremost, with or without me in her life.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks for that Butterfly. I'm not giving up. My wife is too good to surrender without a fight, even if it is mostly internal at this time.


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I understand what you are saying. I'm confused, and I'm being honest about me being unsure about everything (love, work, hobbies, etc.). I don't trust my own ability to make a decision on anything right now.


I'm now 14weeks out from my D-day. I was in a 2yr EA that transformed into PA for another 3 yrs. I think you're expecting too much too soon from yourself. It's been a painfully slow process for me to build back the feelings/intimacy with my wife. We've been doing MC every week for 12weeks and only now am I starting to feel the connection to my wife.

The fog rolls in and out all of the time. I go from hope to hopelessness and confusion to clarity on an day by day and sometimes hour by hour basis. BUT, I finally feel the confusion subsiding with each passing week. I've spent a crap load of money on MC and plan to do so for at least a year. It has been the best money I have ever spent.

If you don't trust your ability to make a decision now, then don't. Give it time. 5 weeks is way too soon to expect any sort of clarity or emotional connection.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> The fact that I'm in a fog doesn't help my thinking at all. I'm questioning my thoughts on everything that I once trusted to be true and factual.


This is what I mean when I say listen to your brain and not your heart and when I say to rely on what you knew before your affair. You are ahead of the game in that you at least know you are in the fog. So call a spade and spade and accept that you know you love your wife and that the pain, doubts and questioning are stupid tax for cheating. 



HerToo said:


> But most important is that my wife is hurting and worried. I need to stay focused on her needs. I want her hurting and worrying to end. And I want to quit questioning everything and start living again.





HerToo said:


> I admit it appears cruel and selfish. I want to do the heavy lifting and earn her back. The fact the she isn't having me do it is probably part of the problem. It's like committing a crime and getting a reward instead of punishment.
> 
> Since I'm still in a fog over the OW as well, the drug still has it's pull on me. I admit it. But I also know that it fades more each day. I also know that running to her would just be a pit stop in life, and not a permanent relationship.
> 
> ...


These things are part of the heavy lifting. You're wife isn't punishing you, you are punishing yourself, but it is still part of the heavy lifting. Another part of the heavy lifting is that you must push yourself to clear your head. If you truly want to reconcile your marriage you have a duty to return your thinking, your mind and heart to your wife as fast as is humanly possible. I understand the doubts, the fatalism about your marriage - I get it all. You have to see those thoughts as distractions and work to put them out of your head. Some days are better than others, some days you lose the battle, just be sure to win the war. 

Having said that, listen to what the others are telling you from the betrayed side. I got a lot of the same answers you're getting with my first thread here and I didn't totally get where they were coming from, I knew I loved my wife, she didn't know I was struggling so I didn't get it. While I don't totally agree with some of those positions now, I do understand them. It's a get your heart in or your ass out position. Which while very black and white is fundamentally good advice and actually what you and your wife need most.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks BackonTrack and Sigma.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Perhaps your wife is not more aggressive toward her requirements of you for R because she is blaming herself for your Affair. Perhaps she feels that you had the Affair because she somehow failed you and your marriage and was not the wife she should have been.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I was thinking she might be afraid. Afraid if she shows any emotion he might just decide he doesn't want to be with her and go back to the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I am sure she is scared Pidge - probably horrified. She probably has so many emotions and feels helpless and doesn't know what she should do.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

When she first discovered the EA, she did start to blame herself the next day. I told her the truth in that it wasn't anything to do with her. It was solely my fault in letting a friendship develop into an EA. 

She is scared of losing me, and I'm causing that hurt by being confused as to what happened, why, and what's next for me / us. At times I wish she had kicked me out and made me earn my way back.

There is no going back to the OW option.


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