# Husband's Secret Cell Phone



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Since I've uncovered my husband's relationship to a coworker via his cell phone records, he bought a prepaid cell phone and hides it. Of course, I found it. He sleeps with it under his pillow (I guess making sure I'm not looking at it). I guess that means he intends to keep whatever relationship(s) he has.

He told me last month that he was getting rid of the phone and I looked at a couple of days ago and he put 300 minutes on it. 

Its kind of funny because it takes a lot of work to be sneaky. My blood pressure would go up if I had to spend that much time being sneaky. He's scared to death that I'm going to find something because I told him if I do, I would divorce him and he doesnt want that. So why does he do it? Who knows. Sometimes men can be so stupid!


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Lars - being a man I will agree with you that men can be stupid....that aside lets talk about the affair....

Affairs can be very hard to end. It is a relationship where he gets some sort of satisfaction. The feeling that he is respected, some excitement, something.

I feel strongly that he needs to come clean, quit lieing, become transparent and end it. It just isn't that easy. Espically if this is a coworker that he sees. View the relationship as a dependancy (drugs or the like). Breaking the habit takes lots of energy and lifestyle changes.
If he doesn't make these changes (like chaning job, or finding a role where he doesn't come into contact with her) then the affair isn't going to end.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

I know this wont solve anything (maybe get rid of some fustration ) but if he is sleepin with it under his pillow , throw a pitcher of water on him and his pillow ,at the very least he'll know that you know what he is doin and youll make it harder for him to use a phone that doesnt work ... Obviously , this wont fix the situation ,but at least youll get to snicker at him. I hope things get better for you ,


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> =
> If he doesn't make these changes (like chaning job, or finding a role where he doesn't come into contact with her) then the affair isn't going to end.


The changes I've notice since confronting him about his cell phone use:

1. He's home most of the time now. He used to leave home 4-5 days a week and not come back until 3-4am. Now when he goes out (which is only once a week), he is always home by 1am.

2. Since he's home so much, he's not in a position to talk on his secret phone unless he's doing it in the bathroom.

3. The coworker is worried about what I will do (embarrass her at her office) if she keeps talking to him, she is the type of person that does not like to be gossiped about and absolutely hate confrontations.

So its not easy for them and I'm hoping he will get tired of going through changes trying to talk to her and be with her, knowing that if I find out, I will divorce him.


since I confronted her (I scared her and made her cry), he does not go out like he used to do. Dont know if she slowed things down or if he did.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> knowing that if I find out, I will divorce him.


I could be totally missing something here, but what do you mean _if_ you find out? It sounds like you did.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I could be totally missing something here, but what do you mean _if_ you find out? It sounds like you did.


He erases everything on the phone. I cant prove his talking to anyone. I have to know for a fact. Not a guess that he's talking to her. Right now I'm assuming that he's still doing it and hoping and praying that I am wrong because I know what I'll do if I find concrete proof. He's hiding things because he doesnt want a divorce.

Seems like he wants us to stay together, but he wants to talk to her also and he's having a hard time doing that. Do you think "time" will make his feelings for her go away? They've been talking to each other on the cell phone for at least 2 years that I can prove but I'm guessing its been longer (at least 5 years). So they must have feelings for each other but his feelings for me are stronger, otherwise he would have left me for her. 

I'm trying to be patient that this relationship will slowly wither away through less and less contact. Does it happen that way?


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

My husband is as stupid as your is, we're in the same boat sister girl! I just haven't found his prepaid phone yet. They've been texting evry day for months and now nothing, I found hidden money in his wallet whixh makes me think he now has a prepaid! I guess they think we're dumb!


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Shelby said:


> My husband is as stupid as your is, we're in the same boat sister girl! I just haven't found his prepaid phone yet. They've been texting evry day for months and now nothing, I found hidden money in his wallet whixh makes me think he now has a prepaid! I guess they think we're dumb!


Funny story: Husband and I are league bowlers (on the same team). He bowled, came off the lanes and his secret phone fell out of his pocket on the lanes. He ran like a crazy person trying to pick it up. His 'legal' cell phone was clipped to his belt buckle. I waited until we got home and brought it up. He had the nerve to try to convince me that it was the "legal phone" that fell out of his pocket. I kept saying "no its wasnt". He finally admitted he bought a prepaid phone. If I hadnt already found the phone in the house, I might have believed his story that it was the legal phone.

I know he is stressed out trying to be slick. His blood pressure has gone up, he's not sleeping good. He wants to talk to other women, but he doesnt want to leave home and I've told him that I'm not sharing men so if he wants to keep his associations with other women, he will have to do it as a single man and he doesnt want that. His life is too comfortable.

I'm having a ball watching him put himself threw so many changes. Eventually he'll realize that chasing women is not worth all the effort he has to put forth just to keep it from me.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

Too too funny!! I'm having a ball torturing my stupid hubby too. He "caught" me (like I wasn't doing it on purpose!!) "snooping around in our closet, its a HUGE walk-in, hw wanted to know what I was doing, and I said just looking. A few minutes went by and he asked if I found what I was looking for and I said, not yet, but I will eventually! "caught" me a few hours later going through his expedition!!
I would've loved to see your husband running like a crazy man after that phone!!!
My husband doesn't want a divorce either, I'm not sure what his attraction is to this "girl". Shes a bog fat readhead! 
Keep me posted!!


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## fossill (Nov 25, 2008)

Hey, I'm a new member, and newly married, and dealing with all the joys of what that entails. I'm writing mainly because I think I am so surprised at the lack of... intensity the original poster and Shelby are voicing in the posts herein. 

Let me preface, no sarcasm or disrespect is intended, I think my query is why do you ladies seem so comfortable with the blatant infraction on what I would assume were your sacred marriage vows?

Mario


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

fossill said:


> Hey, I'm a new member, and newly married, and dealing with all the joys of what that entails. I'm writing mainly because I think I am so surprised at the lack of... intensity the original poster and Shelby are voicing in the posts herein.
> 
> Let me preface, no sarcasm or disrespect is intended, I think my query is why do you ladies seem so comfortable with the blatant infraction on what I would assume were your sacred marriage vows?
> 
> ...


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## fossill (Nov 25, 2008)

@Shelby, there's the problem, he was a military man Sorry, my dad was a drill instructor in the Marines, and although he is a very competent hard working man, holy hell is he a tough cookie to get along with 

Surprised I am here? How so? Although I'm a newly wed, my wife and I are going through our fair share of issues. Nothing to the extent of what you are emotionally, but they could be just as destructive. 

I won't steal your thread, so if you are interested @ all in what is going on you can read about it here:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3051-newly-married-lost-what-do.html

Otherwise, I was just wondering about your situation and the other lady or two that posted about this. I don't believe I will ever go in that direction. I've been cheated on in previous relationships, and I understand how emotionally, physically, and mentally disruptive the actions can be.

I hope your husband"s" wise up and realize what they are doing to you. It may not be my place to apologize for what is happening, but I 'am' sorry for your husbands hurtful actions.

Take care


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> He erases everything on the phone. I cant prove his talking to anyone. I have to know for a fact. Not a guess that he's talking to her. Right now I'm assuming that he's still doing it and hoping and praying that I am wrong because I know what I'll do if I find concrete proof. He's hiding things because he doesnt want a divorce.
> 
> Seems like he wants us to stay together, but he wants to talk to her also and he's having a hard time doing that. Do you think "time" will make his feelings for her go away? They've been talking to each other on the cell phone for at least 2 years that I can prove but I'm guessing its been longer (at least 5 years). So they must have feelings for each other but his feelings for me are stronger, otherwise he would have left me for her.
> 
> I'm trying to be patient that this relationship will slowly wither away through less and less contact. Does it happen that way?


I have a prepaid cell phone. Turn it on, and hit dial twice. You will see who has called in, and who he has called right there.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

fossill said:


> Let me preface, no sarcasm or disrespect is intended, I think my query is why do you ladies seem so comfortable with the blatant infraction on what I would assume were your sacred marriage vows?
> 
> Mario


Well, upon discovery of his emotional affair, I cried, hollered at him, threatened him to end it immediately or face divorce, confronted the other woman (co-worker of ours), talked it over with a close friend of mine, prayed that he would stop it.

Now, after all that, there's nothing left to do but laugh about it and watch him squirm. Being upset all the time made me lose concentration at my job, it has affected my bowling big time, I'm impatient with my children and generally keep everybody else at a distance. I look sad, doesnt take much to make me cry right now.

**************************
Three quotes I think about all the time:

"Sometimes, things happen to you because God has something better for you." 

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger". 

"I am not giving up, I am just not willing to settle for anything but the best for myself. This wasn't it, either emotionally or physically, and I have a right to try and make my life the best it can be."
***************************

I'm stronger and wiser than I was in July 2008 when all this came out. I didnt realize how emotionally attached I was to my husband until his relationship was revealed. My father used to tell me years ago, "never put all your trust and faith in a man because he is only human and he will let you down." I didnt take his advice during my marriage of 22 years. Wish I had.

I dont know why he did what he did. I know it wasnt my fault. Some men 'step out' on their wives BECAUSE THEY CAN. Everyone should have "free will" to do what they want. Once a partner strays, its their job to fix the marriage because they "broke it".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here are a few more quotes you might find useful (or irritating) right now:

"You are marrying a man. Always treat him like one and he will always act like one."

"I think men need respect--and the more respect they're shown, the more love they give in return"



Lasr60637 said:


> Once a partner strays, its their job to fix the marriage because they "broke it".


While I agree that it is the partner that strays' job to rebuild trust, live transparently, show remorse, I don't believe they are soley responsible for 'fixing' the marriage. There are likely issues leading up to that point that were not solid within the marriage...feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. and although going outside the marriage to fulfill those needs is wrong, if your plan is to stay married, you will both need to work together to 'fix' it. If you are both vested, you can have a stronger marriage than ever before.

I can understand the feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal (been there myself) but holding a grudge, not forgiving, not letting go at some point will only hurt your marriage in the long run.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> Three quotes I think about all the time:
> 
> 
> "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".


a frederich nietzsche quote, who also said:

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

:scratchhead:

and:

"After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands."


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

swedish said:


> There are likely issues leading up to that point that were not solid within the marriage...feeling unloved, unappreciated, etc. and although going outside the marriage to fulfill those needs is wrong, if your plan is to stay married, you will both need to work together to 'fix' it. If you are both vested, you can have a stronger marriage than ever before.


**********
You are right. I have issues myself that I need to work on. We want to stay married. I emotionally drifted away after my father died 10 years ago. I think I've emotionally detached myself from all close family members and just now realizing it. I'm putting me emotions where they were when we first got married and its a good feeling and he is responding.

I like this one:
"You are marrying a man. Always treat him like one and he will always act like one."

There have been a few issues within our family lately and I have sat back and let him handle it. Since then, he's talkative, smiles alot, surprising me with things that I might mention in general conversation that I needed.

In general, he seems happy. I'm off work today and noticed that he left his secret cell phone on the charger in his "secret" place. Probably because he knows she's not going to call him anymore.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds as though you are both reconnecting emotionally and that will be great for your marriage going forward. Believe me, I know there are days where you may feel angry, sad, hurt, but keep looking at what you have today and where it will lead if you continue staying plugged in to your marriage. I wish the best for you both.


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