# I really hope I am wrong.



## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I posted this in another forum in this site as well. But I need help so here it goes. 

I am really trying not to die right now. I just got a bill from our cell phone provider and I was looking at the types of phone calls he is making, yea I was snooping =( and he has a couple that he has made to someone that he has talked to for a long period of time. I called the number from my mom's phone and I got an operator saying that the "call can not get thru at the customers request." I think she blocked me, I didnt make the call from my cell phone for obvious reasons. So I had my other sister call from her phone and her call went thru but only got her voice mail. I think I know who it could be. And I am praying to God that he is just looking for an ear to be heard. But this is how something could start right? Is this the sign I was praying for? I have been praying to God to get him out of my life because the pain is just too much. He clearly told me before I left that there was no one else, but ugh, please someone help me tell me something I need to hear!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Your post is kinda confusing....

First, you seem to be upset that he may be cheating, but then you say that you've been praying that God will take him out of your life...

So, which is it? Are you happy that you MAY have a chance to use an affair to get rid of him?

What 'pain' are you talking about that is 'too much'? Has he hit you, or done things to you in the past? 

It would be a lot easier to comment on if you could clear that up....


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Yeah, I agree. If you're praying that he leave your life then you should end it instead of wondering if he's cheating. If that's not what you meant then I'm a little confused.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

The pain I am talking about is being without him. I have been praying to God to help me cope with these feelings. But it came to a point where I just couldn't handle it. Specifically when I saw our phone bill, I thought that it would be easier if he did cheat that way I could know for sure to move on instead of hoping for an eternity. I am afraid that he might be cheating I dont know for sure, and I can't confront him because of my past. I wanted this separation a to be a time to reflect on each other and to think what we both want. Instead I think he might be thinking of someone else and that breaks my heart because in reality I don't want to lose him.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> The pain I am talking about is being without him. I have been praying to God to help me cope with these feelings. But it came to a point where I just couldn't handle it. Specifically when I saw our phone bill, I thought that it would be easier if he did cheat that way I could know for sure to move on instead of hoping for an eternity. I am afraid that he might be cheating I dont know for sure, and I can't confront him because of my past. I wanted this separation a to be a time to reflect on each other and to think what we both want. Instead I think he might be thinking of someone else and that breaks my heart because in reality I don't want to lose him.


Still have a couple of questions - but it is getting easier to get a picture of what you are trying to say...

1) You are separated?

2) Why?

Also - you cannot confront him because of the past? 

Did you know that the past is gone? It no longer exists? Not only that, but the future hasn't happened yet! All there is is the present - and it is in the PRESENT that the actions of your husband are affecting you. It is in the present that concerns you and your husband....


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I have been separated for the past 5 weeks at his request. We were married for almost 6 years. He told me that he has been unhappy for such a long time. The thing is that for so long I punished him for cheating on me before we got married. We never dealt with it and I never got over it. I became a jealous controlling person and pushed him over the edge. Now he has fallen out of love for me and instead replaced it with resentment. He has told me that there is no chance between us and is not giving me any hope at all. I was trying to change and really show him that I was but it was too late, he had already made up his mind. 

So now if I confront him about this, he will tell me that I have not changed at all and that I dont trust him and he has point. See my dilemma? That is why I am afraid to really lose him. Sorry for being so confusing.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

No problem - sometimes it's a lot easier to get all the words out first, and then sort them out. Especially if a lot of emotions are in action - it helps to write it out and then sort the mess. But then, that's why I ask a lot of questions.

So:

You've been separated for 5 weeks per his request, and his reason is that he has been unhappy. Now you've found out that he has been talking to another woman, and are afraid this is an affair. 

Also, before you were married, your husband spent some time with someone else, and you have punished him ever since. 

By 'punished' - what do you mean, specifically?

You say you 'pushed him over the edge' - what do you mean by that?

Now for a note on your last paragraph:



> So now if I confront him about this, he will tell me that I have not changed at all and that I dont trust him and he has point. See my dilemma? That is why I am afraid to really lose him.


You believe that if you confront him, you will lose him, because he is expecting a future of you punishing him continuously, correct? 

On the other hand, if he meets another woman, you are afraid he will go for them, and leave you. 

Moreover, you wrote above that you pushed him over the edge...and drove him away.

So - do you think that CONFRONTING him will drive him away - or has he already left?

Don't take me wrong - there is hope for your marriage - but it will take a lot of work. And you may lose him temporarily. Keep this in mind, though: you married - which means there were at least once some emotional feelings between you two. That means that there is a connection. You husband will not forget that, although it may be gone for a while.

As for you, however - you have work to do on YOU. I suggest finding a good personal counselor (NOT a marriage counselor) and work through some control issues that fall between you and others. My guess is that much of the fear you are experiencing right now IS a loss of control - once you learn to let go, yo might find some wonderful things happening in your life.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It sounds like he cheated before they are married and that wound has stayed in the married for the entire six years of marriage. During the marriage she's been obnoxious to him and basically driven him away by being overly controlling.

At this point I'd tell you to go completely non-contact, but it seems he's already taken steps to block you communicating by blocking your phone.

At this point it all sounds pretty difficult to resolve. He's obviously done a bad thing by cheating on you, but after six years of marital jail, he may just feel he's done his time.

I'd suggest you contacting him once to apologize for your part in things, and telling him your seeking your own counseling.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> No problem - sometimes it's a lot easier to get all the words out first, and then sort them out. Especially if a lot of emotions are in action - it helps to write it out and then sort the mess. But then, that's why I ask a lot of questions.
> 
> So:
> 
> ...



I punished him by treating him wrong, I did not respect him as a husband. I put him down at times for not doing something my way. I made him feel like he was not good enough. He said I broke him. I was very picky on him. I never called him any names, or cursed at him but my words were just as bad I believe. 

The thing is that I knew how I was acting but I could not stop myself, as stupid as that sounds, I could not stop myself. I keep threaten to leave because I was afraid that I will not get over the resentment and I didn't want to continue making him miserable and myself. He always begged me to stay and I did. Thinking that we could fix things on our own instead of getting help. 

By pushing him over the edge I mean that he left me.We have been physically separated for 5 weeks. We have only talked about 3 times and it has not been good. He doesn't give me any hope at all, and I know I don't deserve his forgiveness. After all, he did try to make me happy while I was being horrible to him. I took him for granted and now I feel like I have lost him.

I was very jealous and controlling because I was afraid that he might cheat on me again. I didn't want to get hurt again. I isolated him from friends, and wanted to know where he was going at all times. I did not trust him, and he knew that. I always gave him trouble when he would go out with his friends. I even gave him a time limit. I was very out of control, no wonder he started to resent me. I don't blame him. 

I started to change the last two years of our marriage when it was him this time walking out on me. I begged him to stay because I didn't want to lose him. And I think after that he was fed up. That was when things started to change. He became short temper with me. No patience. Little intimacy. 

I fell into depression because I noticed that no matter what I was doing it was not making him happy. But still I thought that we were going to make it.

If I ask him about the phone calls I saw on the phone bill, he will just tell me that I have not changed. I am trying to show that I have but I am afraid that he might have another woman. I hope he is just talking to her about these problems, but am I naive?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Don't take me wrong - there is hope for your marriage - but it will take a lot of work. And you may lose him temporarily. Keep this in mind, though: you married - which means there were at least once some emotional feelings between you two. That means that there is a connection. You husband will not forget that, although it may be gone for a while.
> 
> As for you, however - you have work to do on YOU. I suggest finding a good personal counselor (NOT a marriage counselor) and work through some control issues that fall between you and others. My guess is that much of the fear you are experiencing right now IS a loss of control - once you learn to let go, yo might find some wonderful things happening in your life.


Hearing you say this makes me feel better. Even though he tells me that there is no chance of getting back together or that he already fell out of love with me, I still have hope, and I know in my heart that we are meant to be, I know that we will be together again. Am I in denial? He tells me that I will always have a place in his heart but that his love for me is different now. 

Also when he was asking for a separation he was sobbing, he was crying when he took me to my mom's, and he was crying the first 2 times after the separation. That confused me. But when I asked him why he cried, he told me because I hurt him so much. And I did. I have apologized profusely, I recognize my mistakes and I took full reponsibility. 

I also asked him asked him if there was someone else, or someone else that he is thinking of being with, and he said I dont want to be with anyone else. I believed him, until I saw the phone bill. 

I was wondering why would it be better to get a regular counselor as appose to a marriage counselor?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

Atholk said:


> It sounds like he cheated before they are married and that wound has stayed in the married for the entire six years of marriage. During the marriage she's been obnoxious to him and basically driven him away by being overly controlling.
> 
> At this point I'd tell you to go completely non-contact, but it seems he's already taken steps to block you communicating by blocking your phone.
> 
> ...




Yes you are right, except on blocking me on his phone. It is the "OW" who blocked my mom's phone number. I was snooping around and wanted to call but not from my phone so I asked my sister do it and she got "call can not be made at the customers request." And you are right, he told me that he felt trapped in our marriage. I have already apologized profusely and told him that I started therapy and he said that would do me some good. I dont have concrete evidence that he is cheating on me but the phone calls on our phone bill. 

I will say this, no more snooping around for me. It will just set me back, because I was starting to feel better until I found this. I clearly need more help than I thought. I just hope he ccan forgive me.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I'd like to point something else out that may be important: all of the doubts, the feelings of guilt, etc., that you are feeling: how appropriate are they? I am not saying you don't feel this way - or that you may have done things in the past which may have been less that perfect - we ALL do that.

But how much of this is manipulation by your husband to get what he wants? How much of it is a great tool for him to keep you from prying too deeply, to keep you from saying or doing anything that may disrupt his fun?

The reason I am asking this is that very, very often, a Disloyal Spouse will capitalize on any doubts the Loyal Spouse has in order to carry on an affair.

You wrote:



> I started to change the last two years of our marriage when it was him this time walking out on me. I begged him to stay because I didn't want to lose him. And I think after that he was fed up. That was when things started to change. He became short temper with me. No patience. Little intimacy.


Again there is something not clicking here, something that hints at trouble from an entirely different direction. You say you started to change two years ago - when he started to walk out on you?

So - he started to leave two years ago - and the reason was because of all the things you listed - and you began to work on change. You begged him to stay...

And .... after that (what was the 'that' - you changing?) he was 'fed up'? 

You say your relationship started to change then: he became short-tempered, impatient - and no intimacy. Did you change at all? Even slightly? Or not at all? 

I'd like you to think very carefully about this:

If you talked over with your husband your fear of him straying, and what you both felt was inappropriate controlling behavior on your part - and you began to work on change...

And it was AFTER THAT that he began to be short tempered, etc...

Here's what to ponder: why would he decide to be 'fed up' AFTER you talked about this? Why would his behavior change so?

Here's what I see happening, and I'd like you to keep it in mind. This is an general observation, mainly from experience, intuition and from noticing behavioral patterns:

Your husband is having an affair. This affair began some time ago. Your husband is capitalizing on your doubts and fears, and using the past to justify his current behavior. He knows that as long as you remain insecure and doubtful, he can manipulate you to keep silent about his behavior. While I don't doubt that you used some controlling behavior in the past, the way you word your list of what you did leads me to believe it wasn't as controlling as you are being led to beleive. Yes, it was not effective, and it was controlling, but it was also somewhat understandable - especially if you did not have any tools with which to work on your marriage - you did what you knew best to keep it together.

He will deny an affair - but you know as well as I do that it is going on. It may just be an 'emotional' affair right now, but that is just as harmful. Don't pay any attention to his denials.

The reason I recommend a personal counselor rather than a marriage counselor is that unless BOTH of you are there, a marriage counselor cannot effectively help you: there is an entire side to the marriage missing, and all that is heard is hearsay from one party, without fact correction from the other side. This kind of counseling rarely works.

But a personal counselor can help you determine what is fact from opinion, and help you learn coping tools to be a stronger and more confident person.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I know in my heart that I truly tried to change. We did talk about my behavior and how it was affecting me. And I really did work at it. The times he did go out with his friends and I asked to come along, he told me, no I just want to hang out with my friends. He later on told me that he didn't want me around his friends because of how I acted when we went out to eat (it was about 2 maybe 3 times). The way I was acting was shy. It was me him and all his coworkers. So i felt out of place. For me it is really hard to start conversation so I mainly stood quiet. He took as I dont like them, and I am being stuck up. But I explain to him that it was not the case. Also the OW was there as well, this is when they still were working together. 

Flash forward.

The only suspicious thing I did noticed about him was when he would received a text he erased it immediately and said it was from work. So it didn't bother me. But now that I think about it....

Another thing that struck me was when he was giving me the talk he said that it was best to separate now because if we were to stay any longer together things might get worse and he didn't want to seek comfort in someone else. That's when I asked him is there someone else? and he said no. In the same conversation I asked him, are you going to look for someone else to be with and he said I dont know....I stood quiet after that. 

Why hasn't he asked me for a divorce yet? 
Well I did ask him not to, until he was clearly sure about it. Why was he sobbing so much? I guess he hasn't asked me for a divorce because he knows I dont feel well about this. I'm not sure. Even if he is having an affair, is there still chance for us? Am I not right for thinking this way?


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## slainte (Feb 9, 2013)

I will say this, no more snooping around for me. It will just set me back, because I was starting to feel better until I found this. I clearly need more help than I thought. I just hope he ccan forgive me.[/QUOTE]

I have done the same thing. I stopped snooping for a while and I felt better. However, when another red flag popped up and I snooped again, all his calls with the OW were still happening. So, are we not just burying our heads in the sand?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I WOULD NOT stop snooping.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

ZOMBIE THREAD...
It's from May 2010...


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