# Walk-away Husband or mid-life Crisis?



## elizaB (Jun 20, 2013)

This is the first time I've written of what's going on in my marriage. I'm 39 and been with my husband for 20 years (married for 13). I always thought we had one of those special bonds - that we were best friends as well as lovers. Sex has always been good and I thought our communication had always been good. We have two children (7 and 9). I'm a stay-at-home mom.

This past November I noticed that he seemed depressed and I asked what was wrong. After probing to get him to open up, he basically said that he felt like our marriage had come to an end. I was floored. I thought he was joking. It's gone back and forth between us being good and (I think) as if we're going to be all right, and then he'll withdraw. At first he wanted to have sex even more and I was happy with that. Now he's withholding all together. 

When the kids were younger I definitely went through some '*****y' times, speaking passive aggressively (as a lot of moms do), but it was certainly not a lot. Now when we talk about our marriage he seems to only remember the bad moments, the fact that I don't tend to go to his baseball games. I've always been kind of the stereotypical guy in our relationship, not needing as much emotionally as him, and I see that I've assumed that he doesn't need as much as he does.

Anyway, he has said that he is willing to see a therapist with me but I don't think he really means it - I think he's just too good a man to break my heart so completely and he's drawing it out. But then he's never actually said outright that he wants a divorce so maybe that means he really doesn't. He says he's just not in love with me anymore. Will my changing my attitude, the emotion that I give him, will that make him fall back in love with me? 

I don't believe there's another woman but I know he has gotten some attention from women recently and I'm sure he found that flattering.

He still insists that I'm sexy and he likes hanging out with me and he loves me and cares for me, but he seems to still want out of our marriage.

Any advice?


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## rivenIN2 (Apr 23, 2013)

I vote mid-life crisis, he sounds like he is showing classic symptoms.

Does he blame you for everything wrong with the marriage? Has he started re-writing your history yet? By this I mean telling stories about your marriage that are 75-80% true but ends by making you seem like a bad person or making it sound like you wronged him? This is more classic behavior from mlc.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I suspect another person. Check into that. Go to the infidelity sub forum for clues.


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## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

I know you might've already tried, but I think you need to sit down face to face and ask him straight out if he's interested in someone else. It feels that way to me. It almost feels like that if he felt things with a supossed other person would work long term he would've already left. Greener grass on the other side so to say.

Do you notice anything difference in things such as being on the internet more? Or texting more often than usual? Are there any signs at all of another person?


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## LosingButStillFighting (Oct 25, 2009)

I think I'm in the same place as your husband, so I'd like to offer my two cents. For what it's worth, I claim full responsibility for our problems.

I'm 42 and the wife is a few months behind me. We've been together for coming up on 23 years, we met and married in the military. She was my first real love and looking back, I don't think I should've attached to her so quickly. But I did, we married, and multiple moves, and a houseful of kids later, I'm feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated and resentful. I still love the woman dearly, but I don't enjoy her company anymore. I know she still loves me, too.

I have wanted out for years but I cannot justify to myself leaving my wife and kids. Also, I can't bear the thought of breaking her heart. When I think about the plans I've been making to leave, I'm overwhelmed with self-loathing. He could be having some of that. I know it would add to his depressive moods.

Sorry, not wanting to make it about me. I think he should at least get into counseling for himself. He may be having issues that he doesn't realize. Until he gets himself straightened out, there's nothing about you that you can or should change to make him love you more.

There's no other woman in the picture for me either, so I think he's being genuine with you on that.

Try to confront the problem without confronting him. Let him know you're concerned, that you want to stay with him, that you want him to be happier.

Ask yourself if you're prepared to let him go without guilt or resentment should it come up during conversation or counseling.

I hope this helps.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

elizaB said:


> This is the first time I've written of what's going on in my marriage. I'm 39 and been with my husband for 20 years (married for 13). I always thought we had one of those special bonds - that we were best friends as well as lovers. Sex has always been good and I thought our communication had always been good. We have two children (7 and 9). I'm a stay-at-home mom.
> 
> This past November I noticed that he seemed depressed and I asked what was wrong. After probing to get him to open up, he basically said that he felt like our marriage had come to an end. I was floored. I thought he was joking. It's gone back and forth between us being good and (I think) as if we're going to be all right, and then he'll withdraw. At first he wanted to have sex even more and I was happy with that. Now he's withholding all together.
> 
> ...



Like some of the above posters, there are signs that there is someone else. Perhaps it's only an EA at this point, but I think you should start digging/snooping. 

Not wanting sex and re-writing your marriage history (only remembering the negatives) are red flags for an affair. Another one is that he has said that he loves you, but isn't *in love *with you. 

That stuff is straight out of the cheater's handbook. Sorry.

Why has he recently been getting attention from women? Why did he not get that attention before?


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## Logitex (Jul 5, 2013)

Wow, this forum is great. I am up at 4 am right now stressing about this. (my situation) Ive actually become pretty affected by your post. Like the other poster I am extremely similar to your husband. Been together 22 years married almost 18. 3 kids.. Love her to death.. but really REALLY distant. I only want her, but it is like i cant get close enough to her. To me our intimacy and togetherness seems forced on her part. She is a totally giving person who doesnt have any needs and I really equate that with her not being that into me. She was a virgin when I met her I wasnt. My wife really has never been passionate about me, not like other women. She was more subdued in her personality. She was german stoic and really doesnt show much emotion. Ive been to councelling I brought her once a month ago and the Dr (phd) said she didnt need to come anymore we would just work with me. I dont know what my problem is. I just dont feel like i can get close enough to her like i want. I want her to be enthusiastic about our relationship but she isnt. 

By her own analysis.. she is 100% happy and like you doesnt understand why I am not happy. I'm just not feeling that enthusiasm at all. Maybe your relationship is similar. 

I read a book (that my wife read too right after I told her my epiphanies I had from it) called "The 5 love languages" 

basically I found out that i was a guy who needed touch and to be touched.. (no not just in a sexual way) and my wife was acts of service. 
so basically i showed her affection by touching.. She showed her love by doing stuff for me. 

well thing is I need touch.. so when she is off ironing a shirt to take care of me. .Id rather have her come over and rub my back. I get tingles when she touches me but it is so rare. Well she IS getting what she needs and doesnt really need anything (by her own report) 

so maybe take a look at that book. It might be insightful. 

I dont believe for a minute he is cheating.. if he was.. he wouldnt be talking to you.. he would be off being distant and NOT talking.. and if he was ACTIVELY cheating.. you two wouldnt be talking much at all. I am not saying it is impossible. I just think from what I read it is extremely implausible. 

He is willing to go to councelling?! Cool.. go.. immediately. dont question it.. you call.. find a PHD (not a LISW) see if you can find a MFT (Marriage and Family therapist) Thing is with councelling you are going to have a 3rd party arbitrator that will give you a professional third party opinion. Lots of women have husbands that WONT go. He says he will take him at his word. (I learned that in therapy, you have to accept what people say as being true dont add your own translation into it) 

Ill be honest.. your story made my eyes a little wet. I know I am hurting my wife. She doesnt understand.. things for her are "fine" she cant believe we are having problems. I dont REALLY know what it is yet either. Why am i "not happy" I do know i love her and the kids a ton. 

Good luck, I hope you write back as you progress.

*Is mine "mid life crisis" or "walk away husband"? *

Honestly I think that question is irrelevant. Either way it ends the same. Mine is progressing to the point of leaving. (That is why i am here at 4 am in the morning) I dont know that this stuff resolves itself. 

counseling stat! Do it.. you might learn something interesting you never saw or considered.


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