# The loneliest thing in the world...



## Jeanettesca (Jan 22, 2014)

"People think being alone makes you lonely, but that's not true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." (Kim Culbertson)

I got married very young and I picked the wrong person. I thought I was in love, but I wasn't. We got married because of family pressure and because it was the next step in our relationship. Neither of us knew ourselves very well yet, let alone what we wanted in a spouse. I think he's just as disappointed as I am, but he won't deal with it.

20 years and 4 children later (ages 5-15), we're married in name only. We are roommates, not spouses. When we talk it's only about the kids or the running of the household. We are kind to each other and we never fight, but our relationship has no depth and no intimacy. 

He has rebuffed my attempts to work on our marriage so often that I've given up trying. I am grateful he's a good father and I admire his work ethic, but that's about the total of my feelings for him. My prevailing emotion towards him is pity. 

I've considered leaving many times but stay for the sake of the kids. I feel like a dishrag for putting up with this for so long, but I can't see how breaking my kids' hearts for my own selfish reasons is right.

Lots of adults whose parents divorced after they had grown say they knew there were troubles and they wished their parents had just gotten it over with while they were young. But they say that as adults. As kids, would they really have wanted their parents to divorce? I don't think so.

I'm lonely, frustrated, depressed, and oh, so bored! Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Thanks.


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## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

Jeanettesca said:


> "People think being alone makes you lonely, but that's not true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." (Kim Culbertson)
> 
> When we talk it's only about the kids or the running of the household. We are kind to each other and we never fight, but our relationship has no depth and no intimacy.


I don't know how much help it is but I am in the same situation, probably for slightly different reasons as we were not so young when we got together.

I am in very much a similar position to you - considering but not knowing what the best outcome is for the kids.

I hope you find your way through it and can be happy.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Jeanettesca said:


> "People think being alone makes you lonely, but that's not true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world." (Kim Culbertson)
> 
> I got married very young and I picked the wrong person. I thought I was in love, but I wasn't. We got married because of family pressure and because it was the next step in our relationship. Neither of us knew ourselves very well yet, let alone what we wanted in a spouse. I think he's just as disappointed as I am, but he won't deal with it.
> 
> ...


UGH......this is so close to my situation it's painful to read. SOMEHOW, you need to make him realize he needs to re-connect with you at an intimate level. If you have to drop the D bomb on him to get his attention, so be it. He MAY be capable of change! Work at it....don't give up.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Why do you think it was the wrong person? If he is such a great husband and has some great qualities? 

I think you grow into love over time and memories together bond you closer together. Do you think you missed something along the way? Did you ever feel in love?


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Recently, my marriage feels a lot like the OP. Sitting next to her makes me feel even more lonely than when I'm alone.

In my case, its related to her long-term depression which has recently been much worse because she's going through other health issues.

My response has been to find other people and outside interests. I offer to include her if she is feeling up to it but I don't try to influence her to join me. I still spend plenty of time with her and make sure she knows she is a priority (even cancelling my plans if she's having a really hard time). There is a concept of "caregiver fatigue" that I'm trying to balance (where I'm essentially the caregiver when she is ill). I can only do so much and then I need to take care of myself or I'm no good to anybody.

Think of it this way... If your spouse weren't around (divorced, deceased etc.), how would you alleviate your loneliness? Now, go do that but with some boundaries and safeguards so you're not tempted to cross the line. I've reconnected more with friends and family, joined a couple of meetup groups and just generally not made my wife the center of my universe. (Took me a while to figure out that may have been what I was doing.)

Bottom line, you're not alone in feeling "lonely" while in the company of your spouse. I hope it gets better for you.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Not alone! If you care to read my thread (under Sex in Marriage), 'An American Horror Story', you'll see the similarities. Met young and all of that. 33 years later, my post tells the tale. It's excruciating. I hope you and your H are able to find resolution to your issues before you end up where I have. I sincerely wish you guys well in getting it back together!


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Jeanettesca said:


> Lots of adults whose parents divorced after they had grown say they knew there were troubles and they wished their parents had just gotten it over with while they were young. But they say that as adults. As kids, would they really have wanted their parents to divorce? I don't think so.
> 
> I'm lonely, frustrated, depressed, and oh, so bored! Please tell me I'm not the only one.
> 
> Thanks.


Jeanettesca, as you can see, you are definitely not alone!

Nobody wants their kids to grow up in a broken home. Only you can make that decision, but if I were you I would read other stories here, maybe in the Life After Divorce section, and really try to imagine what it will look like for your family.

I realize you have a five year old at home and that's a long time ahead of you to "stay for the kids" so some sort of action is definitely needed. However it doesn't necessarily mean divorce is your solution.

I know a blended family who make it look like it's easy. The husband, step-mom, and his kids from two ex-wives, plus his most recent ex and her fiance have all sat in the same row at church. But I also know that more than anything, he wishes he could see his children every day. There is a lot of back and forth between households. (I also know, because our kids are friends, that his girls cannot stand their step-mom). He was the first person to tell me to stay with my husband.

Another family I know is going through this as young adults. Their mom stayed until the youngest was out of the house. She posted this on Facebook so everyone would know her side of the story because she received so much backlash after leaving her husband. Her children are upset, yes. But it seems they are more upset that she has dropped them and her grandkids from her life
as she moved on to happiness with another man.

So, I think the outcome all depends on how you handle it. People will move on, children will adapt. But no matter how great it looks, there will always be pain associated with divorce. You won't be able to avoid that. Best to make sure you are really making the right choice!


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## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

I can relate in so many ways here! although I was in love, at first, but after kids that went away. How is the sex life? I personally only do it bc I have to :-( sad situation, and like you, im scared of leaving and hurting my kids, he laughs when I mention marriage counseling, he thinks im joking. UGGH men.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read HNHN yet? Please do that before you pull the plug.


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## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> Have you read HNHN yet? Please do that before you pull the plug.


May I ask what is HNHN?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Everyone marries the wrong person because there are no perfect people. We're all wrong. There are two types of wrong people. Those who are wrong and think they are right, and those who are wrong and are working on becoming right. 

When your significant other fails you, just dump them. No forgiveness, no reconciliation. When your new SO fails you (and they will) go ahead and dump them too. Then do it again. And again. And again. Eventually you might find the right one.

Or you could test drive your next lover. Play house. Shack up. Live together unmarried. Give them sex whenever they want and hope they stay committed to you by the next morning. Maybe they will feel the same way about you and want to get married. That would really change things. You can hope. 

Or you could just stay single and make every weekend about you. Feed your appetite for sex, fun and friends. Never let anyone get close to you again. Guard those emotions and lock your heart up in a box so it never gets broken again. Or captured again. 

Or you could realize you are wrong. Everyone is. But when two sinners marry each other for life, for the sake of one another, for the purpose of helping the other partner improve, only then do you have a selfless love based on true commitment. Marriage matures people and giving and helping builds trust and loyalty. That's love. Love is commitment, even when things aren't going so great. 

If you go into a relationship looking out for only what is best for you it will fail. You reap what you sow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. IMO, the most important book every married couple should read (or at least ONE of them). It explains the psychology behind why we want what we want, what we do when we don't get it, and how that affects our marriage. VERY very basic stuff that is SO logical, and very effective (unless you're in a marriage with a person with mental issues).

Barring abuse or mental issues, even one person in a marriage can follow its tenets and achieve dramatic results in a marriage.


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