# Struggling with no contact



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I finally had enough and left my gf a week ago Friday. She screwed up again with sexting with her ex husband and literally told me I should leave her. 

Today is day 7 no contact. I'm trying to resist the urge to reach out. I'm staying busy and even going to a singles mixer tonight. Working out etc. when we have been broke up before weekends were always the hardest. 

Does anyone have advice how to make it thru this difficult time.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

jdesey said:


> I finally had enough and left my gf a week ago Friday. She screwed up again with sexting with her ex husband and literally told me I should leave her.
> 
> Today is day 7 no contact. I'm trying to resist the urge to reach out. I'm staying busy and even going to a singles mixer tonight. Working out etc. when we have been broke up before weekends were always the hardest.
> 
> Does anyone have advice how to make it thru this difficult time.


To fully get your point across you need to stay NC. If you reach out after 7 days of NC, it'll only make things worse, she'll have you eating out of her hand and you'll have to start back at square one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I know. It's just not easy.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I think you are doing what you need to. It is very difficult but you are already using one good strategy. Instead of reaching out to her, you came here. That's really what you need to do....when you feel the urge you distract yourself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jdesey said:


> It's just not easy.


When you feel this way, remind yourself of why you left. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. Ask yourself why you want to contact her. Examine your answer carefully. Honestly, what do you wish to accomplish by contacting her?

I had to go no-contact with my late husband the last year of his life. Easy? He!! no. But I had to respect his right to drink himself to death. And he did just that.

It's a matter of our sanity and what WE own in the relationship. She was sexting her husband? She is responsible for it; not you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

One day at a time. It'll get easier.

If you're smart you block everything.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I know. It's just not easy.


Why would you want to get back with or stay with a woman who continues to show you disrespect and contempt? I have to ask you: "Where is your self respect?"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dollars to donuts you'll be back with her by next Friday. She isn't doing one thing different than she's done before. You're the one who won't let go.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jdesey said:


> Does anyone have advice how to make it thru this difficult time.


This advice was given to me, and it helps:

Put a thick rubber band on your wrist. When you think of breaking No Contact, snap the band real hard and say "Stop". First day I did this my wrist was red and hurting, but it helped.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I finally had enough and left my gf a week ago Friday. She screwed up again with sexting with her ex husband and literally told me I should leave her.
> 
> Today is day 7 no contact. I'm trying to resist the urge to reach out. I'm staying busy and even going to a singles mixer tonight. Working out etc. when we have been broke up before weekends were always the hardest.
> 
> Does anyone have advice how to make it thru this difficult time.


Look at it in ten minute chunks of no contact. 

Six of those chunks is an hour.

Then another hour, then another hour until, somehow, a whole day has gone by of no contact!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Dollars to donuts you'll be back with her by next Friday. She isn't doing one thing different than she's done before. You're the one who won't let go.


I'll take that bet. A pack of skittles says he won't be back with her by next Friday. It just rained here so I have a full bucket of them.


@jdesey I have my skittles riding on you. Don't make me lose.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

No guys I'm not looking to get back together with her. And even since posting this she reached out to me through email. 

It was just a little happy Sunday email. I'm not getting sucked back in. Nothing has changed and I never will



I just left a mixer. Got a woman's phone number and we agreed to get together.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Take her out of your contact list, so at least you would have to type seven digits to text her. That prevents the quick text.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jdesey said:


> No guys I'm not looking to get back together with her. And even since posting this she reached out to me through email.
> 
> It was just a little happy Sunday email. I'm not getting sucked back in. Nothing has changed and I never will


That is how they suck you back in. Glad to see you held firm. 

BTW, you do know that NC including blocking her from your email. You should not be seeing her emails. 



jdesey said:


> I just left a mixer. Got a woman's phone number and we agreed to get together.


Awesome. :smile2:


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I don't drink so no drunk text will occur. 
I'm not surprised I heard from her. But no apology or says she misses me. Just 2 words. "Happy Sunday "


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

It doesn't matter whether I block her or not. She's had 9 days to apologize and try to make things right. She'll never apologize cause she doesn't see what she did as wrong. Has any woman ever apologized? Rarely. 

So I don't give a crap about her little message. I think it just pissed me off. How she could say hello and act like nothing happened. Just confirms what I already know.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Not that it is the most healthy way of looking at things, but ignoring her email will hurt her ego more than anything you could ever say in response.

I guess, not replying to her at all is the only way to show her there is no debate, she was/is wrong. Period.

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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Another thing, brother.
She doesn't owe you an apology, you aren't entitled to an apology. You certainly deserve one, but that doesn't make you entitled to one.

Just like she isn't entitled to forgiveness, you don't owe her that either.

That being said. Neither of you are in debt to the other, you can each move on without any further burden or investment. If you choose to contact her, that requires more investment, and the burden is on you. Likewise, if she chooses to continue to contact you, that's her investment and burden, not your loss... You only lose when you respond.

Invest in some other women, at least then you get something for your troubles. I hope its enough "something" that it doesn't seem like troubles.

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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

We will see what happens this week. My guess is she continues to reach out but ZERO apology or even mention of what happened. And I'm done with telling her what she did is wrong. I've done that over and over. But it does no good. 

I will stand my ground. We have over come so much. But this attachment to her ex husband I cannot accept any longer. I shouldn't have to.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jdesey said:


> I don't drink so no drunk text will occur.
> I'm not surprised I heard from her. But no apology or says she misses me. Just 2 words. "Happy Sunday "


OP that's her way of playing with your mind, keeping you hooked. She thinks of you like a little plaything. 

If you're serious about this, REALLY serious, you'll block her from your phone/email/social media.

Weekends are always hardest when you're going through a breakup. Breakups suck, they hurt and they're hard but the only way through them is, well, through them.

You can do this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you started two threads in two different sections of this board 3 weeks ago ranting about her still contacting you after you two had broken up "for good". Now you're saying you "finally" broke up with her for good. Again.

Listen, the two of you have an exceptionally toxic and dysfunctional relationship. So, let me give you the exact same advice I did at the end of May when you were all angsty over this. She's still contacting you because she doesn't think you're serious about this breakup. Your revolving door of breakups and makeups has given her zero reason to think this time will be any different. Thus, if you are actually serious this time, block all her avenues of contacting you. Block her phone number, her email, her texts, her access to your social media. Make it where she can't contact you. And don't contact her.

Oh, and get into therapy and figure out what it is about this really messed up relationship that keeps drawing you back in. Preferably before you start seeing anyone else.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jdesey said:


> *We will see what happens this week.* My guess is she continues to reach out but ZERO apology or even mention of what happened. And I'm done with telling her what she did is wrong. I've done that over and over. But it does no good.
> 
> I will stand my ground. We have over come so much. But this attachment to her ex husband I cannot accept any longer. I shouldn't have to.


No we won't, because you will block her from all electronic media so that she cannot contact you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I know. It's just not easy.


Just remember your wife is f'ing her ex either mentally or physically, likely both. Remember the fact that she did this bs and made you think it's all your fault. That she claimed to love you and did this to you.

What are you worth? More than this shot, I promise.

Get some Zoloft and take the edge off this stuff, so your job, start a new project and put every thought into it. Go online and talk to some women and get your confidence up.

Just so whatever it takes, but please, don't call or text her for any reason. And I promise you, I've bed. There and the call will lake the pain worse. Better for the seconds you hear her voice, then take the pain level up exponentially when you crash and realize what a fool you were. Resist it bro, we are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Dollars to donuts you'll be back with her by next Friday. She isn't doing one thing different than she's done before. You're the one who won't let go.


YEP.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you everyone. The message from her yesterday put me off my game. Still no contact. Busy with work. Nothing has changed.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I got a bunch of texts from her. She says she's sorry and wants a chance. But she refuses to come clean about what occurred. She just wants to focus on our future not the past. Typical woman. Wont be held accountable for her actions


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I got a bunch of texts from her. She says she's sorry and wants a chance. But she refuses to come clean about what occurred. She just wants to focus on our future not the past. *Typical woman. Wont be held accountable for her actions*


Wow, thanks for the crappy shot at the rest of us.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Sorry. Let me clarify. Typical of my ex wife and 2 other women I have hD relationships with


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know she's not good material. Why bother? Millions of better women out there.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Why bother?


Because we want the one we cannot have. The ones the thrive on attention know how to manipulate those of us who are weak. We seek them out like they seek out us.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

jdesey said:


> She just wants to focus on our future not the past.


Had you known then what you know now. It would be you who is now accountable.

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jdesey said:


> Sorry. Let me clarify. Typical of my ex wife and 2 other women I have hD relationships with


OP first of all you are making big strides. Good on you.

One thing you can work on is why you keep picking woman like this. There is something in them that you are attracted to. You need to figure that out so you can find a better one next time.

Next you need to have something you are passionate about besides a SO. That way if the SO doesn't work out you will still have this other thing that brings you happiness.

Finally learn to be happy alone. This gives you the most leverage in a relationship. As soon as someone treats you bad you can just move on. It may be sad but you know you will be alright until the next one comes along.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Time for an update... I was doing terrific and then on Saturday she reached out and BEGGED for another chance. She made all these promises about no more Sexting her ex husband or anyone else. She wrote it all down and even went so far as to say I would approve any contact she needed to have wit the Ex before she sent it. She seemed very serious about making these changes and on her own said she would go to therapy. I agreed and gave her the chance. 

Well, yesterday I caught her being inappropriate with her ex husband thru email. She made it to Sunday night before starting it up again. Even planning to get together while I was out after work. Of course they deny that they ever get together. No apology, no remorse, no concern for my feelings. 
Such a disappointment after our very long talk on Saturday. She said she understood how I felt. 

I went over to her place yesterday and got my stuff. I told her do not contact me in a week or whatever when she feels sorry for what she did. She just wont change this, even when she says she will. 

time now for no contact. Move on. I deserve someone who can be faithful and have some concern for my feelings.


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## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

So THIS time is really it? Really really it???


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes it is.... this time was supposed to be different. She begged me to take her back, which she never does. She voluntarily came up with all the commitments on what she would change. She wrote it out and we talked about it. She was sorry and admitted it was all so wrong. All things she never does.

so yes, she has proved to me that she will not change. I mean she made it 1 day and then broke every promise.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jdesey said:


> time now for no contact. Move on. I deserve someone who can be faithful and have some concern for my feelings.


Time *now* for no contact? Time now????? What has the whole thread been about? Any why is she not already blocked on your phone.

I think I lost my skittles bet. 

Ugh....


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> Had you known then what you know now. It would be you who is now accountable.


Quit blaming her for your problems.

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Who here is surprised by ANY of this..anyone?? Anyone??


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Time *now* for no contact? Time now????? What has the whole thread been about? Any why is she not already blocked on your phone.
> 
> I think I lost my skittles bet.
> 
> Ugh....


Nope. He made it one day longer than I predicted. I lose.:frown2:


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

jdesey said:


> Yes it is.... this time was supposed to be different. She begged me to take her back, which she never does. She voluntarily came up with all the commitments on what she would change. She wrote it out and we talked about it. She was sorry and admitted it was all so wrong. All things she never does.
> 
> so yes, she has proved to me that she will not change. I mean she made it 1 day and then broke every promise.


This woman is mentally challenged! Move on. Woman here and total opposite of the women that you continually choose. See a psychologist to set your mind straight and learn to be happy alone. You need to hear your mind.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

yes she is... I see a therapist every thursday...so I see him today. I just need to stay strong and work on myself. And when This woman pops up in a few days to say how sorry she is, I need to not respond at all. No need to hear anything she has to say. She just cannot or will not change. And I will never ever accept someone being dishonest and cheating on me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JayDizzy

Think about THIS!

What she is doing to YOU, she is doing to HIM....her ex-husband.

She is a serial player....a co-dependent who cannot really fly. 

She flits and swoops. She goes to every past Stamin where she found white nectar. She then perches on the pistil and co-flutters.

She is no Monarch.....she thinks You and XH are KISA Viceroys.

If you look carefully and you wipe the pixie dust from her head, thorax and abdomen you will see that she is really a Gypsy Moth....you and XH are the flames. 

Don't be surprised if you find out that she has other men that she flutters with. She is a groupie.....you are rather monogamous...she likes that.

Her XH knows her flight pattern. He exed her her cheating torso.

Let the cold down-draft take her away.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

If this woman has no kids with her ex she has no need to communicate with him at all. There are lovely women out there. Stop wasting your life on this one. You seem like a nice guy. Her ex is a creep by the way.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

jdesey said:


> yes she is... I see a therapist every thursday...so I see him today. I just need to stay strong and work on myself. And when This woman pops up in a few days to say how sorry she is, I need to not respond at all. No need to hear anything she has to say. She just cannot or will not change. And I will never ever accept someone being dishonest and cheating on me.


She cannot change, and she doesn't want to change.

Are you any different? Can you change, don't you want to change?

Start by not even wanting her.

Stop caring if she will or will not change, stop caring if she bull5hits you, or if she means it or not, this time or any time.

She doesn't owe you an apology, yes you deserve one, but she doesn't owe it to you, she doesn't owe you another excuse, or the truth, or a promise, or another lie...

She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. But you owe it to yourself to forget about this, you owe yourself forgiveness, and another chance at happiness.

You are robbing yourself of what you deserve by caring about this woman, or what she does, or who she is with, or if she even contacts you or not.

Self Esteem - the Offspring

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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Time for an update. Still doing no contact. Today is day 5, I had a slight stumble last week. I went to leave something of hers on her front step and she pulled into apartment complex at exact same moment. I had no intention of seeing her. Good news is I just handed her item to her and walked away. No discussion what so ever. I'm talking online with women but no date yet. Going on a hike with large group from meetup today. Just trying to stay busy. Weekends are the hardest.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Stay busy doing things to improve yourself and get out there mingling. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Instead of online dating, I would try some Meetups. Try an activity that you've thought about doing or one that you haven't done in a long time and get out there. Don't stay home having a pity party. 

Also, I hope you're hitting the gym HARD, and making sure your gear is on point. Whenever you leave the house, make a point of looking sharp, not metro sexual but well put together. You never know who you're going to run into.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I got a bunch of texts from her. She says she's sorry and wants a chance. But she refuses to come clean about what occurred. She just wants to focus on our future not the past. Typical woman. Wont be held accountable for her actions


That is sexist nonsense, but that is OK at the moment. Just be aware of what is happening in your head. The truth is it is on her, but you want to let her off, so you blame all women instead. You excuse her, by saying that 'women' are like that. 

This is the road to bitterness and cynicism, so keep it in check.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> That is sexist nonsense, but that is OK at the moment. Just be aware of what is happening in your head. The truth is it is on her, but you want to let her off, so you blame all women instead. You excuse her, by saying that 'women' are like that.
> 
> This is the road to bitterness and cynicism, so keep it in check.


He had other relationships in the past, and if they all behaved the same way, he has no other reference point and to him this is indicative of all women.

You are right to call him out on this, otherwise that line of thinking will poison his next relationship. He needs to figure out why he attracts, or is attracted to, this same type of woman.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Haven't checked in over a week. No contact going good. Staying busy. Brent in a date last thurs. of course I compared her to my ex. But that's normal. Just staying busy with work. It's getting a little easier


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