# newlywed doomed for divorce..?



## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm 24 years old, been with my husband for a little over 2 years, married 1. (went to high school together, so I know you're thinking we married too young/soon) He'll be 24 in a few months, so we're the same age. We have no kids, no do we want any. That's never been an issue.

To set the premise for you: From day one weve had nothing but similar interestes, hobbies, wants, needs, outlooks and goals. Like any normal, human couple, we've had our minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary..We were perfect for each other. Had sex regularly, I won't be graphic, but put it to you this way; he was never left wanting for anything in any way AT ALL.

Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean. Once I PULLED the truth out of him, told him that no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie, he told me it was because I was boring him in bed, that I just wasn't enough basically. After long talks and whatnot, he said he was just bored in general (at that moment in time) it had really nothing to do with me. So me being accepting of the male being took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again. That if that was something he was interested in then I would happily participate, just be open and honest. We moved on. Then about 8 months into our married life, he did it again but tried to hide it and lied again. Once I got him to finally admit the truth to me again, he said he was just bored and looking for stimulation at that moment. Mind you, I was in the bed in the other room ready, willing and able for whatever he needed.. We talked it out, he opened up to me by telling me how porn has just always been a part of his life from a young age and he mostly just watches it for entertainment and sexual ideas to play out with me. I accepted that answer and just repeated to him how it made me feel, that I wanted to be included and that still, no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie. I asked him to please never lie or hide anything from me again. He swore on our marriage..

Over the past month or two he's been completely silent with me. Totally shut me out. I've been basically pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about his thoughts, his feelings, anything at all. After a few weeks of me begging for communication (something that was one of our biggest strong points) I finally became nasty. No longer patient, just wanting answers so I would yell and fight with him. After about one week of that, in the middle of a fight I needed to step out, take a breather and he wouldn't let me leave. he blocked the doors, stood "guard" and screamed in my face that if I even stepped foot outside, I wasn't welcome back in. This irrational threat made me more furious. So you won't talk to me but I can't step outside for a breather?? No sense.. He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that. I came home about 4 hours later to a silent home. He was angry at me for leaving, but what was I to do?? I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I needed answers. Took 2 more days but he finally says that he's changed. He agrees that what he has done (silence and rage) is abusive and he feels it can't be fixed. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, who he wants (no, there's nobody else). He says he's no longer attracted to me. I told him I felt it was because of all the fighting but he says no, he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I must say that as a realist I would accept this if I had changed at all during our relationship but I truely have not. I haven't gained a single pound, I still look, act and dress the exact SAME. The only difference is that I've recently had a few minor breakouts on my face because of the hormonal change from having an IUD inserted. I swear to you, that's IT. 

I really don't know where to go from here.. I'm so young yet I feel ancient. I feel used and empty, I feel alone and insecure. I've always been confident and openminded to everything and everyone but this is a pill I just can't swallow. Could this just be a phase he's going through? I know it sounds corny, but we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness, if you know what I mean. We always kind of wrote our own ticket. To see this sudden change in the one person I've ever felt comfortable with, trusted, vowed to grow old with.. It's killing me. I haven't slept, haven't eaten. I've been "not-sleeping" on the couch and he says he doesn't even miss me. On top of it all, last week our car was totaled in an accident in which I was driving. He seems to be completely unphased by even this.. Like it really doesn't matter. All I hear from him is confusion, anger, disgust even resentment. 

Please, please, someone help me get out of this hole...


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

As posted in the other thread:


"Get the hell out now."

He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.

He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances. 

It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it. 

Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's not a good situation at all.

There is a very good chance that your husband is cheating. His behavior is very much in line with the cheater's script. His saying that he is no longer attracted to you, the distance, even the sudden turn to violence.

How is he with his cell phone? Does is keep it password protected? Does he guard it? How about his computer? Does he have everything password protected so that you have no access to this accounts? Does he spend much time on the computer?

How much time does he spend away from home? Perhaps you need to do more investigation on what he's been up to.

If he's not cheating, then the porn could be the issue. Perhaps he's more attached to the use of porn then he has admitted to you.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

KITTYKAT09:

First I want to thank you for your reply.. Feels good to know I'm not sitting up all night completely alone..

Whenever I've spoken to my husband about the porn in the past he's told me it has nothing to do with me and I really do accept that.. and I've moved on from that. Kinda just wanted a back story for readers to get a feel for the whole scenario, ya know? But the trust isn't there.. he's so wishy washy on it all and it's just driving my crazy. My self image is being destroyed.. I mean, I'm not perfect but I'm definitely not gross. I'm 5'1, 150pounds, huge boobs, very shapely, long red hair, green eyes.. I make sure I ALWAYS keep myself "up" ya know? Makeup always done, clothes always perfect, I love to serve my man. I work parttime, cook, clean, do all the laundry, organize the bills. I all but wipe his butt for him. I'm afraid I may have put him up on a throne in the beginning and it's gone to his head. Then again, I don't think he's just playing head games with me. I do believe his confusion. I've suggested conseling, doctors, testing. Maybe he has an imbalance, maybe he needs meds.. Whatever it is, from day one I've always made it clear to him that I am here or him, I support him and will stick by him through anything he 's going through, but at this point I feel he's selfish. That he isn't mature enough, that he hasn't grown enough to even be able to love someone fully.. When I say this to him he just says "i dunno, I'm confused"...


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

ELEGIRL:

Thank you for the reply.

I've never been a "snooper" but since the first caught lie I have been super observant about everything.

I don't believe he's cheating at all.. he has ZERO friends, ZERO family. My family and I are all that he has. Literally. We share a computer but he knows I check the history so I doubt he'd be dumb enough not to be deleting anything. Besides that, he's almost never on the computer. He's always either at work, or at home with me. That's it.

As for his phone, on our most recent phone bill there were a few megabyte charges or something (I'm not technically hip haha, I use my phone for calls and texts, that's it) He doesn't use his phone for internet so I questioned it. He said having it in his pocket at work may have hit a few buttons. It happens I guess. I was still suspicious. I called the phone company and looked into the bill summary details and it really does look like a mistake so I let him off the hook. Even though he was so pissed at me for being suspicious in the first place. But what does he expect??? He's basically always lied..


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## sweetpotato (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I am 25, married one year, in a relationship for 5 years, and knew my husband in high school... So, I don't have much experience. 

He completely crossed the line. That was flat out verbal and physical abuse. You know more than us, so you know best. But, if I were you I would be very seriously considering leaving him. It's hard when you're married, but if he doesn't change or gets worse, it's just going to be even harder on you. You'd probably feel even more trapped. You'd be much better off just finding someone more stable, loving, and respectful. 

Solely concerning the Porn, I think you confronting him like that may have made him feel he was forced to lie. Perhaps he has a serious problem with porn. Reality just can't live up to the fantasy on the screen and in his head. It doesn't matter how gorgeous a person is, or how great they are at sex. It's his problem, not yours. He should be more mature, and have more realistic expectations.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

SWEETPOTATO:

Thanks for the reply..

I kind of agree with you on the porn thing. Like I've mentioned, I've never really despised it, I just hate the deceit. I'm not sure if he's addicted though.. It was once almost 2 years ago and then once about 4 months ago so it's pretty spread out and it wasn't anything scary or weird, just your basic stuff, ya know? I think he's ashamed of himself.. I worry that he's so down on himself about even letting the issues fester this big and this long that he's giving up. What I wish he would understand is that in my eyes it is still fixable, he just has to want to and follow through to earn my trust again..


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## sweetpotato (Apr 15, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> SWEETPOTATO:
> 
> Thanks for the reply..
> 
> I kind of agree with you on the porn thing. Like I've mentioned, I've never really despised it, I just hate the deceit. I'm not sure if he's addicted though.. It was once almost 2 years ago and then once about 4 months ago so it's pretty spread out and it wasn't anything scary or weird, just your basic stuff, ya know? I think he's ashamed of himself.. I worry that he's so down on himself about even letting the issues fester this big and this long that he's giving up. What I wish he would understand is that in my eyes it is still fixable, he just has to want to and follow through to earn my trust again..


I should have mentioned that, too. Deceit is incredibly damaging to a relationship. 

That sounds about right. He could be so ashamed of himself, that he is taking it out on you. Either because he doesn't want to face his faults, or to push you away to avoid doing something shameful again. Perhaps??

I'm still with my short-tempered, possibly abusive/ controlling husband, so I'm not one to talk about leaving. It's really hard to leave. I wish my husband would work harder on his anger issues, and seek out counseling. But, at the same time, I put myself in his shoes, and understand how hard it is to swallow your pride and admit to your faults.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

SweetPotoato:

It takes an incredibly strong person to admit to fault. I truely believe that.. No one person in this world is perfect. We all need to learn to coexist the way we are. It's when being who we are inflicts damage and pain onto the ones we love that it becomes unmanagable. I really hope you and your husband are able to settle all this. I was brought up not believing in divorce. Marriage is meant to be for life and I take that seriously.. Hopefully my husband, as well as yours feels the same way..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

My husband is reading this blog conversation now so I'm gonna go. Hopefully it makes a difference. Will keep you all posted..


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## sweetpotato (Apr 15, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> SweetPotoato:
> 
> It takes an incredibly strong person to admit to fault. I truely believe that.. No one person in this world is perfect. We all need to learn to coexist the way we are. It's when being who we are inflicts damage and pain onto the ones we love that it becomes unmanagable. I really hope you and your husband are able to settle all this. I was brought up not believing in divorce. Marriage is meant to be for life and I take that seriously.. Hopefully my husband, as well as yours feels the same way..


That's true. I do want to try to make it work, and I'll do whatever I can to help him. But, I think that especially if one's well-being is threatened, then it's got to end. Good luck to you. Hopefully your husband can see how badly he's hurt you, and himself. And maybe he'll get some help.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> As posted in the other thread:
> 
> 
> "Get the hell out now."
> ...


I agree with this statement exactly. Get the hell our of there before you turn into a sad emotionally and possibly physically destroyed version of what you once were. You can do better!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"I've suggested conseling, doctors, testing."

What is his response to these, JessyRose?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean.


Sounds like a spineless loser. My gf knows I like porn and won't give it up, so it's a total non-issue for us. Instead of being up front and standing his ground, your man is trying to weasel his way out.

If he's willing to lie about stupid things like porn, imagine what he would lie about in the future. Will he lie about how much financial trouble you're in? Will he lie about having a retirement fund just so you stop asking? Leave now.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He is extremely immature. Instead of talking to you about improving your sex life together, he is choosing to seek out porn (and/or other activities) to gratify himself without even talking to you about the problem. Instead of hashing out the problem when he has been caught lying and being hurtful, he is simply hiding it more and doing it more. He isn't capable of giving you a mature relationship and it looks like you're trying to meet him in the middle, but he only wants what he wants.

The grabbing you and keeping you in a room was not a good idea. Others will disagree, but I do not think of that as abusive. I do think that he felt like he was at risk of losing you and acted in desperation. Unfortunately, he has also shown you that his acts of desperation extend only to preserving what is "his" and at the expense of your comfort, safety, and consent. He could have desperately pleaded with you not to go, instead of grabbing you. He could have desperately offered to give up his porn instead of grabbing you. Instead, he chose to force you to stay there to concede to his point of view. He is not respecting you. He is devaluing you by dismissing your concerns. This is a red flag of controlling behavior.

You guys are very young and you married young, probably out of love and passion. However, if he has problems with your body when you are newlyweds, is unwilling to work out problems to MUTUAL satisfaction, and is neglecting you for the sake of his own gratification, then you have a really big problem. He has a LOT of growing up to do. You don't need to sit around and wait for him because it's likely that you staying will enable his not-growing up because there are no consequences for his actions. You're both changing in different ways and maybe that is not a bad thing.

You may love him, but I urge you to think about this. You are in a relationship in which your needs and wishes are disregarded and neglected, while his are being met. You have expressed a desire for him to make some changes to your relationship, in order to make it mutually satisfying, and not only has he chosen to ignore those pleas from you, he has deliberately acted against your wishes and concealed that behavior. He is untrustworthy. This relationship does not serve your needs and you should leave him. If he changes while you are apart and shows you that something is different, for real, then consider reconciling, but in the meantime, he is showing you that he only cares about himself. I guarantee that this will worsen in the years to come and you will be throwing away valuable years if you stay.

Additionally, his behavior suggests that he is probably cheating on you, either in real life of in a cyber-relationship. A guy who refuses real sex without having some impaired libido to prompt it is getting his kicks elsewhere. Many of us have learned this the hard way. Please listen. Come join the CWI board, to hear what happens when porn and/or cheating ruin marriages...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> KITTYKAT09:
> 
> First I want to thank you for your reply.. Feels good to know I'm not sitting up all night completely alone..
> 
> Whenever I've spoken to my husband about the porn in the past he's told me it has nothing to do with me and I really do accept that.. and I've moved on from that. Kinda just wanted a back story for readers to get a feel for the whole scenario, ya know? But the trust isn't there.. he's so wishy washy on it all and it's just driving my crazy. My self image is being destroyed.. I mean, I'm not perfect but I'm definitely not gross. I'm 5'1, 150pounds, huge boobs, very shapely, long red hair, green eyes.. I make sure I ALWAYS keep myself "up" ya know? Makeup always done, clothes always perfect, I love to serve my man. I work parttime, cook, clean, do all the laundry, organize the bills. I all but wipe his butt for him. I'm afraid I may have put him up on a throne in the beginning and it's gone to his head. Then again, I don't think he's just playing head games with me. I do believe his confusion. I've suggested conseling, doctors, testing. Maybe he has an imbalance, maybe he needs meds.. Whatever it is, from day one I've always made it clear to him that I am here or him, I support him and will stick by him through anything he 's going through, but at this point I feel he's selfish. That he isn't mature enough, that he hasn't grown enough to even be able to love someone fully.. When I say this to him he just says "i dunno, I'm confused"...


He is using you. He is cheating on you. You do everything for him and he wants to secure that resource. But, because you do everything for him, he will never man up and treat you with respect. You've become his mother. That's why he is turning to other women and porn. He may just be addicted to porn.

1. STOP doing everything for him. Expect him to contribute to your partnership or get out because otherwise, he is dead weight dragging you down.

2. This is not about you. You're attractive and young. No matter how hot you are, he is still not going to see it. He prefers the porn, the performance and the emotional distance, the made-up bodies. He prefers fantasies to the real thing. You are the real thing and not a fantasy and so he is never going to get close to you.

3. If he is making you feel bad about yourself, then he is being emotionally and psychologically abusive. He's doing this to make sure you don't leave and so he has his resource there, even though he doesn't take care of her.

4, I would bet you a LOT that he is cheating on you. He's acting like cheaters always act. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity so, don't tolerate this, and don't wait around for him to change, because if he is like this so early in your marriage and so un-remorseful for how he is hurting you, he is not going to change. You will be trapped in a sh*tty marriage when you could be living a better life.

5. You CANNOT change him and he is showing you that he does not want to change. No matter how much you love him and want him to change, you can't change him. Now, he is just rebelling against you and will deliberately choose to oppose you. The only way he'd change is if he suffered a loss because of this behavior. You have to stop trying to fix him and salvage this. For your own good. For his good, too.

So many people on this board have the same story as you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please do not ignore this or pretend nothing is wrong. Something is very very very wrong and it isn't you, it's him.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

ShawnD:

Thank you for your reply.

All day I just keep looking at him and thinking "why?? what have I done to you to make you lie? What have I done to you to suddenly not 'like' me anymore" It's really driving my crazy at this point. I love him so much, I really do but I just keep thinking "this guy is a superficial ******* who only cares about himself" The craziest part about it all is that for like the first 6-7 months of us being together he really was special...


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

JessyRose said:


> we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness


I excerpted a portion of your last paragraph - a paragraph that was filled with a lot of specualtion for what his problem could be - potential excuses for him. You are racking your brain to figure out what is going on and what his problem could be. You have yet to figure out what his problem is. You have yet to figure out you never will figure out what his problem is. You have yet to figure out it does not at all matter what his problem is.

You have to stop trying to figure him out. Work on figuring yourself out to understanding why you want to remain with him under these circumstances. From him, you have to listen to and believe everything he says and stop cherrypicking the portions you choose to believe and those you refuse to accept. Believe ALL of it. Believe every word.

You are working yourself way too hard to protect your self esteem. Constantly trying to figure out what has happened, what his problem is, and why he has seemingly changed only allows you to avoid accepting the bottom line, which is that he says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I know it is hurtful, but you must accept that along with all the rest. Think about it: You say nothing about you has changed besides a few pimples. That means what he says now is the way he has felt all along. I think he didn't want to hurt your feelings but has come to the point of accepting he's not happy and doesn't want to live that way anymore. The porn has always made him think there was something so much better out there. Pornography always gives men absurd fantasies (example: Most men would never have dreamed of having multiple sex partners at the same time had the idea not been dropped into their minds by seeing it in porn films. Now it is the fantasy of practically every man LOL) and unrealistic views of the real world and real women.

The line I quoted from you is another part of your denial and refusal to accept what he says to you. You speak for yourself and him by saying "we are the type of people who . . ." but you have no idea what kind of person he is. That's what you keep trying to figure out, isn't it? But it doesn't begin or end there because the truth is you NEVER knew what kind of person he was. You only thought you did. This is another area you choose to cherrypick because he has let you know he has ALWAYS watched pornography since he was a kid, yet you never knew that until he told you. In fact, you never knew he liked pornography at all until the first time you caught him. You never really knew him and only thought you did, so you have to also accept that you can never begin a sentence with "we are the type of people who . . ." because clearly he is not that type of person. He is not who you thought he was. 

It appears he reveals his true self more and more. He reveals his true feelings bit by bit, and you have to believe and accept all of it. You accept when he says the porn has nothing to do with you and other things he says, so accept also that he says he doesn't want to be with you. Then, you have to stop this ridiculous sense of devotion because being so determined to stick by him only holds you bound, tied, nailed, and tethered to a person you do not truly know and does not want to be with you. 

You stick by a person who is ill or who is having a hard time finding a job or who is having problems with work, friends, or family members. There is no sticking BY a person who says he doesn't want to be with you. That is actually sticking TO him like a fly or mosquito or leach and refusing to let go. You have to let go and leave because if you don't, he will continue to hurt you emotionally and physically and continue to make you miserable and keep you down in that hole. Only you can climb out of that hole. Pull yourself up and break yourself free. No one can do this but you, and you have to do it FOR you.

I know it hurts. I know it is hard. But you have to go. I also know it is extremely difficult to imagine yourself without him. I need you to know there is life after him, and there is love waiting for you, too. You will be happy again and in love again just as soon as you free yourself to find it. You can find a genuine person who knows himself well enough to want you for you. Besides that, leaving will give your husband the opportunity to breathe and think about what he has lost. He just might come to his senses, and you have to give him space for that to happen although you shouldn't leave with the hope that it will happen.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

So you make a huge deal about porn because of your own insecurity but you can't figure out why your husband is not forthcoming about it?

Seriously?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

River1977/Moxy:

Thank you for your feedback and insight. I agree and understand what you both have said. Here's the thing..

Now he's saying that he knows he loves me, always have and wants to spend his life with me. Wants this marriage to work and wants (needs) me to trust him again..

BUT.. his actions have stayed the SAME! and anytime I say to him "but your actions aren't following what you're telling me, how can you expect me to stay based on only words?" and he says that I'm not holding up my part. that it takes two and that I have to trust him and have faith. YET I feel that he has to earn my trust. That I can't just say "ok then, I turst and believe all of your words meanwhile you've lied your butt off to me in the past and your actions haven't changed" all just given without him earning it.. ????

Unhappy2011:

You need to read my entire post to realize I'm not insecure about the porn (I happen to enjoy it myself and we have shared it together at one point) that it's the lying and deciet that are bothering me. Read the full story before you judge please.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

First. I am sorry to hear of your situation.

I had a similar experience with an ex-fiance. I would like to tell you my story but to be sure it applies...please answer me a few questions?

What is his relationship with his mother? you mentioned ZERO family how did his relationship with his family end?
Are either of his parents cheaters? are they still married?

Based on this info, if your answers are like I think, I will tell you my story in hopes it will help you "see" the problem in a different light.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> Unhappy2011:
> 
> You need to read my entire post to realize I'm not insecure about the porn (I happen to enjoy it myself and we have shared it together at one point) that it's the lying and deciet that are bothering me. Read the full story before you judge please.



Hmm....well that's funny because I did read your entire OP and you clearly said this:



JessyRose said:


> So me being accepting of the male being took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again.



My point was not to "judge" you as insecure but to help you to realize the reason he is not openly disclosing his porn use, what you call lying and deceit.

I would speculate the reason, because A) he knows you get upset by it. And B) like most people who were raised with unhealthy amounts of shame about porn and masturbation, he is probably not exactly proud that you busted him whacking off to porn.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

RESETBUTTON:

He has NO contact with his family at all. They took money from him, used and abused him. His parents are VERY unhappily married but no cheating as far as I know. His father is where all this porn originally came from though..


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> RESETBUTTON:
> 
> He has NO contact with his family at all. *They took money from him, used and abused him. His parents are VERY unhappily married *but no cheating as far as I know. His father is where all this porn originally came from though..


My ex-fiance was a product of an affair his mother had with another married man when his step-dad was overseas in military. She was a wh*** and cheated alot. His stepfather drank and made his little brother (who was as big as him) physically fight him often, the stepfather alway hated him. There was alot of neglect from mom and abuse from stepdad, verbal and mental abuse. He bore the brunt of his step fathers hatred for his mother, she eventauilly left him for another man.

Therefore, at 17 his step father kicked him out and his mother didn't want him at new mans house so he had to take care of himself. He decided then and there he was going to be in control from now on and he couldn't trust anyone, nor would he depend on anyone. This was his idea of being strong so tehse things would never happen to him again.

He NEVER knew how a real relationship was supposed to be, and disconnected himself from everyone in his family (for most part, he had a superficial friendship with one brother).

Now I am not making excuses for abuse. It is NEVER OK.

But, as anyone that lived an abused life it is a cycle and the only way to break it is for your husband to ask for professional help. He has to want it , not you !

Problem is he won't because he thinks it makes him "weak" or "not a real man" or just takes him "out of control" of his situation.

Everything he is doing is to control you. Verbal abuse is to make you feel you can't do any better than him, physical to intimidate you from going against his wishes etc... therfore keeping you there. It doesn't matter how many times you tell him you won't leave, he will not believe you. Been there.

What is really happening is that you and your family is all he has and the only ones that love him and his is "SCARED TO DEATH" that you might change your mind and leave him (taking his new "family" with you), that is why he pushed marriage so fast. Now, he knows you are unhappy, but doesn't know how to fix it and the stress is making him "blow up". He has never had a role model to teach him about a good relationship, or how to respect in order to get respect. The only thing he learned was dad liked porn. 

He views you as "hurt" just waiting to happen.


He would say things like "I don't deserve you" or " you will get sick of me and leave too" He truly had no self esteem and truly thought these things.

I can honestly say things were great between us until he fell in love with me. Guys like this hate caring for women as they only view it as the opportunity for you to hurt him, and a weakness. Every time he makes love to you he gets more attached to you and that actually makes him angry with you. He views this as you having too much power over him. to him you are just "hurt waiting to happen". So he tries to keep pushing you away, because he could never admit to you that he is scared of the marriage failing and loosing you. He has NO IDEA how to deal with his feelings.

He looks at porn to get physical release without an attachment.

My ex-fiance didn't have access to porn (pre-internet days) so he just resorted to one night stands and such. eventually (2.5 years of living together) he started to realize how much I actually did love him and couldn't handle the guilt and left. He told me to my face that he couldn't be the man I needed him to be, adn was strong enough to leave. Thank God. Of course that didn't stop him from coming back again and again to check in with me to see if I would forgive him. I didn't (But, I am now married to the love of my life for amost 16 years)

So in conclusion, *he needs professinal help*, *and he has to want it, you cannot want it for him*. You will think "I will just keep showing him how much I love him and it will get better". NO IT WON'T. He needs to heal himself before he can be in this relationship, and love you the way it is supposed to be.

Best wishes.

Yell if you have any questions


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Jessie Rose R U still there?

You mentioned hubby is reading, little worried after hubby read he no longer is allowing you to seek help. This is him controlling you.

Just shout out all is OK please


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's a real prize  What a cruel person!

Sounds like he just doesn't want to be a husband.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

reset button:

Still here, all is safe at the home front. You are so right in the things you wrote. He has actually told me "he doesnt deserve me, i can do better, he cant be who i need" but the truth is that he once was! ughhh anyway, as it is now. he's come around. things are settling down and he's starting to show love and want for this marriage. My issue is now affection.. Sorry to sound like a dog but I'm soooo sexually frustrated! I just wanna make love to him but he is just NOT having it..

that girl:

I agree somewhat. my interpretation of this all now is that he's a guy in his early 20's so his mentality hasnt fully developed and the reality of the life he chose may be crashing down on him.. 

who knows......


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

UPDATE:

Our upstairs neighbors are sexual deviants and their bed must be RIGHT ON a pipe or something because we can hear practically everything. Well, the other night they were really going at it for a while. Needless to say, husband and I haven't had sex in going on 3 weeks (keep in mind I'm only 24 and we used to do it like 4 times a week haha) Anyway, I'm laying there SO hot and bothered (and now jealous) Out of desperation, I wake my husband and beg him to make love to me. He pushes me off and says "no, i don't want sex with you" Now hurt and frustrated I ask what any woman would ask "do you want it with anyone else??" he replies "no, i don't even want it with myself" ?????? I go "aren't you horny?? Take emotions out of the equation and just think carnal lust. Don't you have the urge to get off?" To which he replies "Sure I'm horny, but I don't want to get off" whattttt?? Anyway, I went in the other room and "handled my business" which upset him because he doesn't think there should be masturbation in marriage (that's what we have each other for) so I tell him "throughout all this all i've ever been caring about is YOUR needs and wants. You haven't considered me in any way so now I'm considering me" He says "thats air" huffs and goes to sleep...??

I wonder if he's lying and if he's just "taking care of himself" whenever I'm not home (there goes the porn thing again) but I haven't found anything on the computer) but he could just be deleting again. Ehh, honestly I don't even think I care about that crap anymore.. I just want my husband back..

Yesterday I spent the whole day out with friends (came home around 9pm) and he was sitting on the couch still in his pjs and seemed in a very happy mood. I asked him what he did all day (said he just played video games and watched movies) I asked him if he missed me (he said a little and smiled) 

Maybe I need to just leave him alone and do my own thing so he'll miss me?? Seems he may feel like he lost himself in me and wants to reconnect with his identity?? 

Oh how I'd LOVE for that to be the answer!


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Our upstairs neighbors are sexual deviants and their bed must be RIGHT ON a pipe or something because we can hear practically everything. Well, the other night they were really going at it for a while. Needless to say, husband and I haven't had sex in going on 3 weeks (keep in mind I'm only 24 and we used to do it like 4 times a week haha) Anyway, I'm laying there SO hot and bothered (and now jealous) Out of desperation, I wake my husband and beg him to make love to me. He pushes me off and says "no, i don't want sex with you" Now hurt and frustrated I ask what any woman would ask "do you want it with anyone else??" he replies "no, i don't even want it with myself" ?????? I go "aren't you horny?? Take emotions out of the equation and just think carnal lust. Don't you have the urge to get off?" To which he replies "Sure I'm horny, but I don't want to get off" whattttt?? Anyway, I went in the other room and "handled my business" which upset him because he doesn't think there should be masturbation in marriage (that's what we have each other for) so I tell him "throughout all this all i've ever been caring about is YOUR needs and wants. You haven't considered me in any way so now I'm considering me" He says "thats air" huffs and goes to sleep...??
> 
> ...


Jessie....please suggest to him when he is in a good mood that you are worried that some of the problems you are having now are rooted in the fact that he has alot of emotional baggage from his family. Try not to make it sound like it is his fault (its not, but subconciously he thinks it is), try to stress that it was beyond his control, but that you love him and you want him to be happy in all aspects of his life. Individual counselign will give him the chance to get it all off his chest and start to heal, and lift the stress a bit.

He has anger towards his family still that is affecting his self image/self esteem. I think if you work on that it would be a big step in helping the two of you to communicate and move forward with you marriage.

The trick is to kinda make it seem like it is his idea and he is doing it because he wants to not because you are telling him too. Make sure you stress you are suggesting it because you want him to be happy.

Good Luck


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I've tried every possible angle on this.. he REFUSES and says if i push it then its over.. I've given up mentioning doctors or counseling. He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I'm still unclear on why you are allowing this ... man ... to commit crimes against you... reprehensible crimes at that.

_He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that._

I get the crying part. What I don't get is why you didn't contact the police immediately afterwards. How much must he hurt you or some other woman before you'd be willing to stop him? Are you planning on having children with this man? I surely hope not.

By the way, I totally understand being horny and not wanting to "get off". I'm horny right at this instant but just "getting off" would not be what I want. For me, at least, there's so much more than the simple physical release part.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

JessyRose said:


> I've tried every possible angle on this.. he REFUSES and says if i push it then its over.. I've given up mentioning doctors or counseling. *He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" *what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!


If he keeps telling you "Things are differnet now" I think you have to at least consider he has done something that he feels is or has damaged your marriage, and he is unsure how to handle it. Are you VERY sure he has not developed feelings for someone else or had a ONS or something. Is he possibly having trouble at work where he feels he may loose his job etc.. Does he owe anybody money that he can't pay back etc.. IMO you really need to read between the lines to see why "things are different now"


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

JEFF:

I didn't contact the police because this is my husband and I want to protect him (I know, dumb lady right) If I were to let everything out in the open he'd get his butt beat for sure.. I love this man and am willing to do anything for him. I feel like maybe I've been TOO good to him all along and now he only wants more and more and wants to have control. In a marriage it shouldn't be about power or control at all, ever. it should be 50/50 whenever it comes to that. No, I don't plan to have kids with him, or with anyone. I'm not interested in being a mother at all, which we discussed before there was ever even a ring on my finger (lay all the cards out on the table, remember) He doesn't want children either. I actually had an IUD implanted to be proactive on this subject under the agreement that after the 5 years of the IUD we'd reconsider children and if still "no" then vasectomy time (his idea) Either way, I feel I've done SO much, sacrificed SO much for him and yet he has the NERVE to tell me that I'm not trying. I just keep going back to the "mirror" theory. He's tossing insults and abuse my way that he actually feels about himself but doesn't want to admit it. I get that, been there. But bottom line is, can't help someone who is hurting you and unwilling to help themselves. Could you explain the "getting off" thing to me from a man's point of view? I mean, from a woman's point of view, if there's drama, pain, struggle in my life I usually don't want it either.. ??

RESET BUTTON:

What is "ONS" and "IMO"?

He is definitely not cheating on me. It's embarrassing to admit but after all this, I did look into his phone records (bill is in my name) and scoped out the computer and NOTHING. I've even spoken openly to him about it. It's crossed my mind that he may be gay too.. Spoke to him about all that. No no no no.. ok, then what? "it's just different. our relationship has changed" Idk.. I think the best thing (for my sanity right now) is to just BE. Do my thing, let him do his and hope that we come together again.. All I know is I am DONE throwing myself at him, catering to him and showering him with love and affection...


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

He tells me to just "do it myself" but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that just isn't the same as the caress of another.. Just feels so unreal so someone of my age to be in a sexless marriage. We've got it made! No kids, no pets, nothing holding us down or away from each other! (except him now..) Could it possibly REALLY be that all this time he's had no.. "release"?? Sorry, but I just don't buy that.. That's another thing.. he says I have to start trusting him and if I don't how can this work? Are you kidding me?? After all you've done I have to trust YOU?! You've gotta earn that buddy! All he says is "I am"..

we used to shower together every night.. now he keeps the doors all shut, won't even get changed in the same room as me.. I have to practically beg for a hug.. I can't live like this.. I'm dying for affection..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry, didn't see you wanted to use this thread, I posted this in SIM.

*********************************

He is using the same method that 3 year old children use to control their parents. He wants something but he doesn't know how or what to ask for...so he tantrums. Don't beg after him, he's feeding off it, like a child does with a parent.. He is not mature enough to interact with adults. 

Sorry to say, he is not ready to engage with you as a grown up. This is not something you can't fix!!! Some people take longer than others to grow up. Hopefully they don't do themselves or others damage on their way to maturity. You are experiencing the damages now. 

It's not your fault he is that way. You see something in him that attracts you. That's why you stay with him. But I don't see this working. You could wait around, but change will not come for years...I mean that, years of damage to come. Start planing your way out now. Don't be afraid and don't be let this ruin your life. It's never too late to pick yourself up. Be strong.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

so.....

Last night I came home after being gone the entire day with my family to find my husband piss drunk in the livingroom (have never seen him smashed before) with screaming music blasted, drawing broken hearts and laughing.. Long story short, he wanted to "talk" and I refused because he was obliterated saying that we could talk in the AM when all heads were clear.. Wasn't taking no for an answer so here we go again with the yanking, screaming and pulling on me, telling me to "listen to him" and all that. Talking about more lies and threats about sex marriage and regret (to get a rise out of me I'm sure) I texted "911" to my friend after struggling to get my phone back from him, slapping him in the face to get free and then zooming out the door. Then called the police for domestic abuse.. Waited at the nearby church, spoke to an officer who when to my house but husband wouldn't open the door or acknowledge he was home. Texted me "I'm sorry". I let the officer call him from my cell phone and talk to him about consequences of what he's doing. Not sure what husband said in response.. Then he called me about 20 times, text messages, voicemails all saying he's so sorry and we need to talk. I ignored all of it and I stayed at my friend's house until the morning when I could talk to my family about what happened at which point we just got back from going to my apartment to get any valuables/some clothes and just my basic possessions. I guess husband was trying to baracade himself into the bedroom when we arrived because when I opened the bedroom door he was trying to move his dresser towards the door. Then he must have given up and he just sat on the bed and watched me with a depressed guilty look on his face. (too little too late buddy) I left with my father and brother and am planning on going back tomorrow during the day while he's at work to just basically move myself out of that place.. Now, should I be technical and take everything that is MINE and leave him with whatever he came here with?? or still have a heart and leave him with a bed to rest his head??? Suggestions please!


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I would take whatever you feel you should have that's yours. If you brought the bed into the marriage, then take it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, take what is yours and what you think you should.

Did you bring the bed into the marriage? If you did take it. He works right? He can buy himself a bed. You will have to set up your own place. So if you need it, take it.

Sounds like he had to get drunk to losen up enough to talk. Too bad he chose that as the way to do it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> so here we go again with the yanking, screaming and pulling on me, telling me to "listen to him" and all that. ... Then called the police for domestic abuse.


Good for you. You started seeing the pattern. Believe me, if a man hits you once, he'll do it again. And it gets progressively worse. I was a battered spouse. Then I went to court, got a restraining order, had ex tossed out of the house, and had three BIG men go in with me to take every single item that was mine.




JessyRose said:


> Then he called me about 20 times, text messages, voicemails all saying he's so sorry and we need to talk. I ignored all of it


Things to consider: block his phone, block his emails, and if he starts showing up unannounced, seriously consider getting a restraining order. He needs to know you really mean business.



JessyRose said:


> I left with my father and brother and am planning on going back tomorrow during the day while he's at work to just basically move myself out of that place.. Now, should I be technical and take everything that is MINE and leave him with whatever he came here with?? or still have a heart and leave him with a bed to rest his head??? Suggestions please!


You are within your legal rights to take every doggone thing that you brought with you into the marriage. When you go back, make sure you have family with you, or a couple of guys. Don't be surprised if your husband is still in the house, barricaded in the bedroom, or suddenly pops up. If he is barricaded in the bedroom again, call the police. As far as where hubs decides to rest his head, well, as he has told you, "things have changed." That includes where he chooses to sleep and what he chooses to sleep on.

Good for you. You deserve a heckuva lot better than this train wreck!


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I brought everything into the marriage. without me he has no car, no computer, no bed and basically no furniture.. I feel like a biootch to leave him with nothing but why should I have to refurnish an entire apartment all over again just to accomidate his mess up?? I also took the passbook to our savings account and am contemplating emptying that as well but guilt on leaving him high and dry is weighing on my conscience ya know?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> I brought everything into the marriage. without me he has no car, no computer, no bed and basically no furniture.. I feel like a biootch to leave him with nothing


I understand. But do you think he would really feel like a total d!ck the next time he shoved you around? 



JessyRose said:


> I also took the passbook to our savings account and am contemplating emptying that as well but guilt on leaving him high and dry is weighing on my conscience ya know?


Well, of course it is weighing on your conscience. You were trying to save the marriage, while your husband was trashing it. If the savings account is in both names, I would suggest you take half the money. Did he put money into the account too? BTW, if you have other accounts in joint names, now is the time to get them in your name alone, particularly credit cards.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

Having read all this, I realize you're in the process of moving out (for the better), but I think your behavior needs to be looked at as well ( for your next relationship),

On one hand you say you don't snoop, find it embarrassing, etc, but then talk about always checking the browsing history - how is that not "snooping?"

Next you make a fuss about him masturbating, but you go ahead and do it yourself?

My take is that he's depressed, maybe work is getting stressful..coming home to someone accusatory, checking browser history regularly, getting upset and making a fuss over porn (he's probably just embarrassed by it), wouldn't help. 

I think counseling should of entered the picture long ago, and if things do turn around between you two, it needs to be a requirement.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

JessyRose, I feel for you and hope things work out for you now and later, whether it's with your husband or someone in your future. 

However, everyone here makes it sound like he's the bad guy and you're completely innocent, which isn't what I am seeing. Yes, his actions were wrong. So were yours. 

Your husband is a man. When a man is treated as if he's your child, he's going to feel like less of a man. I think this is what happened when you discovered the porn. You overreacted, dictated to him what he had to do (basically get your permission and participation in order to enjoy something he wants to enjoy), and in that moment, he flipped into the coping mechanisms he has always used since childhood - lying, saying hurtful things, withdrawing from you. It doesn't make those behaviors right - I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that you have a role that contributed to this, too, even though he's full responsible for his actions. If you continue to interact with him, you'll keep getting the same results if you do not change your own communication style.

The same theme keeps playing out. He feels powerless, so he tries to get power. 

I'd bet that if you asked him if he's been feeling powerless, and you stop and listen and tell him why his opinions are right (instead of arguing about where you think he's wrong) you'll find yourself having the most productive conversation you two have ever had. 

He tells you he's not attracted, etc. because he's convincing himself to leave you. He certainly doesn't feel attracted to feeling powerless, and you're coming to represent that feeling for him in his life because he has given you SO much influence over him that he's feeling emasculated. 

From that point, he *has* to find a way to feel better about himself and feel like a man. Some guys start hearing taunting that they're "whipped" that makes it worse. Some guys turn to other interests (another woman, diving into work or hobbies) but it sounds like your guy doesn't have any support network that he can turn to. 

If you go back to him and try to make it work, you have to let him have a lot more influence on things. He watches porn. He may or may not be addicted, but if you tell him that he's free to watch it, and you stop being resentful, you'll certainly be getting more sex than you are now! Instead of "Don't do it again without me" or "At least tell me about it," try saying, "I'm sorry. I realize now it's a way for you to enjoy some sexual pleasure without feeling like you have to meet anyone's expectations, so I'm going to learn to live with it. And if you ever want to share it with me, I'll be excited to do that."

You do not have a right to exert so much control. If you have insecurities, it's up to you to learn how to feel more secure. It's not your partner's job to do things they don't want to in order for you to feel better. As someone (Thomas Jefferson, maybe?) said, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you, Jessy. You've taken the first step to end this toxic relationship, all for the better. It's too early in your life to be dealing with problems like that. Good to hear your family is supporting you too. As for your H, he may or may not ever realize his mistakes. He is too far broke for you to fix. But you have nothing to feel bad about in the relationship, except for the fact that you didn't deserve to be treated like that. 


And don't ever let someone tell you should't snoop, good marriages have full transparency. If any behavior is hidden from your spouse it's hidden for a reason, it's wrong. And if a spouse finds any behavior disrespectful, the other needs to stop that activity. 
Men don't put their hands on a woman in anger. Period!


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Good for you, Jessy. You've taken the first step to end this toxic relationship, all for the better. It's too early in your life to be dealing with problems like that. Good to hear your family is supporting you too. As for your H, he may or may not ever realize his mistakes. He is too far broke for you to fix. But you have nothing to feel bad about in the relationship, except for the fact that you didn't deserve to be treated like that.
> 
> 
> And don't ever let someone tell you should't snoop, good marriages have full transparency. If any behavior is hidden form your spouse it's hidden for a reason, it's wrong. And if a spouse finds any behavior disrespectful, the other needs to stop that activity.
> Men don't put their hands on a woman in anger. Period!


No one said not to snoop - just take a moment to look at your own behavior, because your actions and what you're saying isn't adding up.

For the sake of the next relationship, it's good to be on the same page with yourself.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

JesseRose:

For me anyway (not to be constued as all men) sex is not just sex. There needs to be emotional closeness which was damaged at the time. In addition, this particular time, I had some specific desires in mind that made anything else seem like it would be unsatisfying.... A short term fetish if you will. So I opted for simply waiting till the emotional landscape was in better shape and then I was able to get what I wanted. But that's not even "normal" for me much less "men". It was just one specific bit of weirdness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

NickCampbell said:


> just take a moment to look at your own behavior, because your actions and what you're saying isn't adding up.
> 
> For the sake of the next relationship, it's good to be on the same page with yourself.


Uh, did I miss something here? Her husband has shoved her and gotten verbally/physically abusive several times. What is it that doesn't compute with you? I would be interested to know.

She is leaving a guy who withholds sex, tells her "things have changed," and then tries to punch her out when she attempts to leave.

What am I missing with regard to inconsistency here???


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Uh, did I miss something here? Her husband has shoved her and gotten verbally/physically abusive several times. What is it that doesn't compute with you? I would be interested to know.
> 
> She is leaving a guy who withholds sex, tells her "things have changed," and then tries to punch her out when she attempts to leave.
> 
> What am I missing with regard to inconsistency here???


Yes - you're jumping to the end, when what were addressing are prior behaviors..

Unless I'm wrong, but I swore I read her "I don't believe in snooping and find it embarrassing.." "but I was in the habit of checking his browsing history regularly" occurred BEFORE the other things you're talking about.

I would atleast be thrown in a loop to be in a relationship with someone who expressed those beliefs, then next did everything opposite...just be aware of that inconsistency is all im saying..


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

NickCampbell said:


> Yes - you're jumping to the end, when what were addressing are prior behaviors..
> 
> Unless I'm wrong, but I swore I read her "I don't believe in snooping and find it embarrassing.." "but I was in the habit of checking his browsing history regularly" occurred BEFORE the other things you're talking about.
> 
> I would atleast be thrown in a loop to be in a relationship with someone who expressed those beliefs, then next did everything opposite...just be aware of that inconsistency is all im saying..


He's been withholding sex and refusing to discuss it, which is emotionally abusive.

He's been physically abusive.

He sounds, frankly, unhinged, particularly pretending not to be home and barricading the door to the bedroom.

And you want to pick on her checking his browser history? Talk about focussing on the barnacles on the Titanic. 

Very glad you've gone, JesseRose. Don't go back, except to take everything that is yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

Lyris said:


> He's been withholding sex and refusing to discuss it, which is emotionally abusive.
> 
> He's been physically abusive.
> 
> ...


1. The physical abuse incident happened after, you're forgetting there was a history between them before that..

2. A relationship isn't just one person. I'm only highlighting that the OP had a part in it as well, and I gave examples that stood out.

Throwing a fit because he masturbates to porn, yet "getting horny" to the sound of neighbors doing it, and having to leave to masturbate - doesn't strike you as ironic?

Or voicing how you're against snooping - yet you're regularly engaging in that behavior, etc etc ...doesn't strike you as odd?

Yes, he ended up crossing a line, yes they're maybe better apart than together, but it doesn't change the fact that messages the op was sending were..contradictory.

And she needs to realize that.

I'm still getting the impression he was depressed and stressed or something that counseling would of been the key to. 

Your "unhinged" theory relies on examples that are uncharacteristic (the op said she's never before seen him "wasted" or whatever), and quite extreme and unusual...like cops knocking at your door...not an everyday thing...


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

no, i do not want to be with this person any longer. i actually dont even know who he is anymore and have lost any and all feeling for him.. i've been at my parents house for 2 days with no contact other than him seeing me pack a few bags.. there is nothing he could do or say that would change how i feel about this..

husband contacted me today to talk about divorce. he wants to sell everything and split it mutually. even wants to sell the jewelry hes bought me over the duration of the relationship. i feel i shouldnt have to split that with him. those were all gifts and it just seems petty... he's broke now and needs a car so i feel like he's just trying to stack his chips any way he can. he is being calm and respectful with me at least.. could be a different side of him though. he's got a very jekyl and hyde thing going. he wants to file for divorce under "irretrievable breakdown" contested. I don't agree with the terms. In NY they won't let you file for divorce until you've been seperated for a year or have been crashing for 6 months. he's saying its been "downhill spiral for 6months" BULL****! we JUST got back from our first anniversary cruise in february. The vacation was bliss, sex was bliss, holidays was bliss. This just started up 1 month ago. He's saying he wants to settle it asap and so do i but i also want to do it RIGHT. I feel he is at fault for our divorce. he kept me in the dark about a million things, witheld sex, abused me (mentally and physically).. Should I fight it or should I just take the quickest way out? I feel I have rights and I want to make sure this goes down 100% accuarately..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

seems to me like he wants to rush outta this thing just like we rushed in.. all impulse.. I can't allow any room for error anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> he wants to sell everything and split it mutually. even wants to sell the jewelry hes bought me over the duration of the relationship. i feel i shouldnt have to split that with him. those were all gifts and it just seems petty...


Please get to an attorney ASAP. Any and all gifts are your's to keep. Gifts are not split in a divorce settlement; neither is anything you brought into the marriage.

Given the short duration of this marriage, I doubt he'll get anything. It sounds like he does not have a job. If he has one, he'd better start using mass transit to get to work.

Something weird is going on here. Six months into the marriage and he suddenly pulls back and starts telling things have changed?

Is there any chance he is involved with another woman or man? 

BTW, let him contest if he so desires. In New York, you do not need grounds to dissolve a marriage. Yes, the one year wait stinks, but get a good attorney, get your ducks in a row, and please get his name or your name removed for anything owned together. If there isn't anything, fine.

And, remember, jewelry, gifts, inheritance money ... NONE of it is his to have, whether he likes it or not.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

prodigal:

I'm not in a rush to finalize anything. I'm just trying to gather myself, ya know? He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. Not realistic.. I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush. As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500.. Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty?? 

As for possessions, we have none. We rent an apartment that he's now residing in because "realistically I can't afford it" so here I am on my parent's couch.. All we have is the furniture inside the apartment. We both had cars when we got together. His crapped out over a year ago so we junked it and shared my car (which was totalled about 3 weeks ago) He agreed to letting me have the bedroom dressers along with my vanity set and dressing mirror and we sell everything else and split it. 

He actually has a good job. He lost 4 jobs during the 2.5 years we were together and this is honesty the best we've ever had it. Great place, good income, just the car situation. He wanted to use the savings money to pay for a lawyer but I said absolutely not. I took the passbook so he can't do anything with it. Besides, my father set up that account for us about 2 months ago and husband hasn't put anything into it so I feel it should just go to my father (which I got him to agree with) 

You need to understand something here.. When I got with my husband, he had NOTHING. Was living at home, JUST got his car on the road, got laid off, was a pothead.. we got together and I lifted him up and put him on a throne. He was eating better, looked better, had a support system. He lost 4 jobs over the course of almost 2 years and during those months that we had NOTHING my father paid our rent and helped in any way he could to support us, never asking for anything in return other than for my husband to treat me right and take care of me once he bounced back from the economy. I even borrowed $1,000 against my life insurance policy to pay the rent once. Well, here we are in a great position, having bounced back from the economy and look what he does.. Sorry to sound *****y, but this freaking guy is an assssshoollleee.. I have SO much resentment towards him it's unbelievable. Even just reading this thread from start to finish astounds me.. The whole time all I was ever worried about was HIM.. Stupid girl..


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

JessyRose said:


> prodigal:
> 
> I'm not in a rush to finalize anything. I'm just trying to gather myself, ya know? He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. Not realistic.. I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush. As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500.. Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty??
> 
> ...


After reading all that i have to agree with this 



> Sorry to sound *****y, but this freaking guy is an assssshoollleee.. I have SO much resentment towards him it's unbelievable. Even just reading this thread from start to finish astounds me.. The whole time all I was ever worried about was HIM.. Stupid girl..


At the time love may have been blind but now! move on and find someone who values you and is prepared to put the effort in, be it work or in home life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. ...
> I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush.


Okay, I DO see your point. Let me try to clear out some of the forest so you can start seeing the trees. That piece of paper does make a difference. How? Just an example: Let's say he was driving your car, was in an accident, and was found to be at fault. You are on the registration. You would be liable. Stinks? Yep, but that is the law. 

Also, he wants out of this pretty fast. Yes, I understand he is impetuous. But does any of this rash behavior have to do with someone else being in the picture? Again, please detach from the anger for a minute and think about this. Six months into the marriage, he isn't into having sex with you, "things have changed," and he starts to distance himself. It may just be that he is a jerk. But he may be a jerk who is having an online affair. 



JessyRose said:


> He agreed to letting me have the bedroom dressers along with my vanity set and dressing mirror and we sell everything else and split it.


He is splitting hairs. Like it or not, I'd get an attorney involved, just so this goof can't feel like he "won." On the other hand, if you want to cut your loses and have minimal aggravation, let him have whatever he wants. Good riddance. 



JessyRose said:


> You need to understand something here.. When I got with my husband, he had NOTHING. Was living at home, JUST got his car on the road, got laid off, was a pothead.. we got together and I lifted him up and put him on a throne. He was eating better, looked better, had a support system. He lost 4 jobs over the course of almost 2 years and during those months that we had NOTHING my father paid our rent and helped in any way he could to support us, never asking for anything in return other than for my husband to treat me right and take care of me once he bounced back from the economy. I even borrowed $1,000 against my life insurance policy to pay the rent once. Well, here we are in a great position, having bounced back from the economy and look what he does.


I truly understand your resentment. I had a sh!tload of it. I had to drive around in my car just ranting at my invisible ex-husband to get it off my chest. He was just like your's. 

But I want you to step back from the anger again for a minute. You knew this guy was a "project" when you got together. I mean, four jobs in two years??? You were enabling. I can sympathize with this, too, having done it myself. 

Yep, you married yourself a real azzhat. Now it's time to start working through all the anger. Remember, you were there helping him to dig his way out of that hole he got himself into. I think you have learned a valuable lesson: don't take on any more "Project Men." 

Consider getting into counseling to find out why and how you ended up with this character. Vent. Rant. A good counselor will allow you to let off steam. You will also be forced to focus on yourself in order to get rid of the resentment. I got to the point that I realized all my hatred for my ex was only hurting me. My ex was still a flaming a$$hole, who couldn't care less if I was ticked off at him or not. I was drinking poison in order to kill someone else.

This is a fresh wound for you. I'd suggest cutting off communication for the time being. Please, trust me on this - you DO need an attorney. Why? Because you are dealing with a manipulating opportunist. Protect yourself, even if you don't think you have much that needs protecting.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Please get to an attorney ASAP. Any and all gifts are your's to keep. Gifts are not split in a divorce settlement; neither is anything you brought into the marriage.


How do you legally declare that it's a gift? He could just as easily say he was buying the jewelry for himself and she was free to use it as long as they were together. He could also claim that the TV is his because she gave it to him. It's your word against his, so yes it does come down to splitting hair. If he's crazy enough, he might literally demand half of your hair 

I mention this because that's exactly what I'm doing with my second car. The only reason I have two cars is so my girlfriend has something to drive (we live together). I won't hand over a $15,000 car to someone I'm not even married to, but I'm willing to share as long as we are together. If I gave her a $1,000 sapphire ring, I would have all of the documentation in my name and the insurance in my name so it's my ring and she can't keep it if we break up.




> Given the short duration of this marriage, I doubt he'll get anything. It sounds like he does not have a job. If he has one, he'd better start using mass transit to get to work.


Speaking of money, make sure your money doesn't go into a joint account. You definitely don't want him to use _your_ money to hire a lawyer.
If you have a lawyer and he doesn't, you can take almost anything you want. Him being a bum doesn't help his case either.



> He is splitting hairs. Like it or not, I'd get an attorney involved, just so this goof can't feel like he "won." On the other hand, if you want to cut your loses and have minimal aggravation, let him have whatever he wants. Good riddance.


Try to be reasonable about this. If him winning 55% instead of 50% allows him to feel like he won, then do it. Some people lose tens of thousands of dollars to their lawyers because they don't want the other person to get the silverware they bought at walmart


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> How do you legally declare that it's a gift? He could just as easily say he was buying the jewelry for himself and she was free to use it as long as they were together. He could also claim that the TV is his because she gave it to him.


Jewelry is considered a gift, unless you both have a signed, notarized document saying otherwise. This is how the courts have ruled. I do not know in which Circuit you live; however, I assure you, I can cite to multiple court decisions and statutory law that verify jewelry is considered a gift. This is basic tort/contract law.



ShawnD said:


> I mention this because that's exactly what I'm doing with my second car. The only reason I have two cars is so my girlfriend has something to drive (we live together). I won't hand over a $15,000 car to someone I'm not even married to, but I'm willing to share as long as we are together. If I gave her a $1,000 sapphire ring, I would have all of the documentation in my name and the insurance in my name so it's my ring and she can't keepit if we break up.


Your insuring an item does not make it your's. I hope her name isn't on the title/registration of the car you have loaned her. If it is, she owns the car. Or at the very least, you would have to buy her out on half the value of the car if she wants to keep it. On the other hand, if she wants to keep half a car on which she is considered the "owner," by virtue of being on the registration, she can pay you half the assessed value of said car.

This is the law. I don't pull these "rabbits" out of my hat.



ShawnD said:


> Some people lose tens of thousands of dollars to their lawyers because they don't want the other person to get the silverware they bought at walmart


No, this is not true. People who buy items from Walmart are probably not in a financial position to spend "tens of thousands" of dollars fighting over their stainless flatware. I don't believe Walmart even sells genuine silverware. 

I'm not pulling this stuff out of my backside. Maybe that is because I practice law ....


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

NickCampbell said:


> 1. The physical abuse incident happened after, you're forgetting there was a history between them before that..
> 
> 2. A relationship isn't just one person. I'm only highlighting that the OP had a part in it as well, and I gave examples that stood out.
> 
> ...


The OP's husband was refusing to have sex with her and using porn and masturbating instead. She got horny listening to the upstairs neighbours, wanted to have sex with her husband, he refused and so she masturbated. How are these situations similar?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

Lyris said:


> The OP's husband was refusing to have sex with her and using porn and masturbating instead. She got horny listening to the upstairs neighbours, wanted to have sex with her husband, he refused and so she masturbated. How are these situations similar?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait - what post are you reading?

In the original post, the op states how perfect their sex life was, which is why she became upset over the discovery of porn..

It sounds like she gave him hell, embarrassed him, and forced a "reason" for it. THEN she states she "became" nasty....

I don't know about you people, but I keep picking up things the op says that just sound..off. And without the other side of the puzzle (ie, the ops behavior), I think the guy is coming off unfairly crazy..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Jewelry is considered a gift, unless you both have a signed, notarized document saying otherwise. This is how the courts have ruled. I do not know in which Circuit you live; however, I assure you, I can cite to multiple court decisions and statutory law that verify jewelry is considered a gift. This is basic tort/contract law.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To be honest, neither of us can individually afford a lawyer.. what do you suggest?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Jewelry is considered a gift, unless you both have a signed, notarized document saying otherwise. This is how the courts have ruled. I do not know in which Circuit you live; however, I assure you, I can cite to multiple court decisions and statutory law that verify jewelry is considered a gift. This is basic tort/contract law.


Now I know never to give jewelry to anyone. Of course I never did that anyway. My woman has a very strong self image and doesn't need bling bling 




> Your insuring an item does not make it your's. I hope her name isn't on the title/registration of the car you have loaned her. If it is, she owns the car. Or at the very least, you would have to buy her out on half the value of the car if she wants to keep it. On the other hand, if she wants to keep half a car on which she is considered the "owner," by virtue of being on the registration, she can pay you half the assessed value of said car.


Her name is not on the registration or the title, but she is on the insurance. Since I'm over 25, my insurance explicitly states that nobody under 25 is allowed to drive that car unless they are added to the insurance, and she is under 25.
They put that age thing in there because drivers under 25 are an exceptionally high risk category, so excluding that group makes the rates lower. My insurance rates dropped more than 50% when I turned 25.




> No, this is not true. People who buy items from Walmart are probably not in a financial position to spend "tens of thousands" of dollars fighting over their stainless flatware. I don't believe Walmart even sells genuine silverware.


Oh they do. One of my coworkers had a nasty divorce and both sides lost. Over the course of evenly dividing dust bunnies and pennies found under the fridge, they lost thousands. He said he should have just given her the house and said goodbye. It actually would have been cheaper than fighting for such a long time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There are family law attorneys who offer free initial consultations, which generally last about 15 minutes. 

You do not have a lot, if any, "stuff" that needs to be divided, and you have a short-term marriage. The only thing I can foresee your husband trying to pull is contesting. The laws in my state allow a spouse to contest up to two years after the initial complaint is served. After that, a divorce is granted whether the contesting spouse likes it or not.

Family law matters are governed by the state in which you reside. The only matters that come under federal law have to do with kidnapping; or, in other words, one parent moving out of state with children without the other spouse's agreement.

You can go to Barnes & Noble and buy a divorce kit. I had a friend who filed her own papers with the court, paid a process server to serve her ex with papers, and it all went smoothly.

So, in your case, I would suggest you get a free consultation and then buy a divorce kit.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> There are family law attorneys who offer free initial consultations, which generally last about 15 minutes.
> 
> You do not have a lot, if any, "stuff" that needs to be divided, and you have a short-term marriage. The only thing I can foresee your husband trying to pull is contesting. The laws in my state allow a spouse to contest up to two years after the initial complaint is served. After that, a divorce is granted whether the contesting spouse likes it or not.
> 
> ...


I've spoken to him today about selling and splitting the stuff. I agreed to posting the stuff online for sale and splitting the cash. From what I've found out, in NY you have to be in "turmoil" for 6 months of the relationship or seperated for at least one year before you can even file for divorce. If he could have it his way, he'd sign the papers right now so he definitely wouldn't contest. He's being very civil about everything and agreeing to keep me on his medical until this is all final.. I'm wondering if somewhere inside his mind he's thinking there's the SLIGHTESSTTT chance of salvage here.. I'm so damn up and down.. :scratchhead:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

New York still has somewhat stringent divorce laws, but I can tell you that until a few years ago, New York was the only state where you HAD to have grounds for divorce. THAT is crazy! Most states are strictly no-fault, because the courts don't want to be tied up with divorce cases.

If you are already on his health insurance, by law he cannot remove you until a divorce action is finalized. As far as I know, that law is in force in all states, but don't quote me on it.

I lived in Maryland, but worked in D.C. My employer had me on their health insurance plan. I could not get my ex off the plan until our Maryland divorce was final ... and he contested up until the very end.

Really sucked.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> New York still has somewhat stringent divorce laws, but I can tell you that until a few years ago, New York was the only state where you HAD to have grounds for divorce. THAT is crazy! Most states are strictly no-fault, because the courts don't want to be tied up with divorce cases.
> 
> If you are already on his health insurance, by law he cannot remove you until a divorce action is finalized. As far as I know, that law is in force in all states, but don't quote me on it.
> 
> ...



hah and here I am thinking he's caring.. ughh I feel so sour over this. I resent him, I hate him, I want him to hurt.. but at the same time I'm terrified to be without him.. I feel like I want to screw him over and make him suffer, but that isn't my nature.. my nature wants to talk to him and ask "why.. why does it have to be this way.. isn't it KILLING you to see this destruction????" I refuse to be weakened and voice this to him.. Hell, I don't even want to admitt it to myself..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush.


 That piece of paper is not only about who can see whom. It’s about responsibility as well. For example if you two are still married and he runs up a lot of bills, the creditors might be able to come after you for payment. If he gets in a bad car wreck you can be sued as well with him. If he ends up with huge medical bills.. yep, they can make you pay. So getting a divorce quickly is really a good idea to protect yourself.


JessyRose said:


> As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500..


The small amount of jewelry you have were gifts. Jewelry is generally considered personal property like clothing unless there is a lot of very expensive jewelry that was purchased by community income/assets. 


JessyRose said:


> Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty??


Yes some people can really be that petty. Divorce is often so ugly and mean. The only thing often left to fight over is income and property. So the marital issues are now fought over those things. It’s stupid. But attorneys make a lot of money off people working out their emotions this way.



JessyRose said:


> As for possessions, we have none. We rent an apartment that he's now residing in because "realistically I can't afford it" so here I am on my parent's couch.. All we have is the furniture inside the apartment. We both had cars when we got together. His crapped out over a year ago so we junked it and shared my car (which was totalled about 3 weeks ago) He agreed to letting me have the bedroom dressers along with my vanity set and dressing mirror and we sell everything else and split it.


How much do your realistically think you will get for selling everything else? A few hundred dollars?


JessyRose said:


> He actually has a good job. He lost 4 jobs during the 2.5 years we were together and this is honesty the best we've ever had it. Great place, good income, just the car situation. He wanted to use the savings money to pay for a lawyer but I said absolutely not. I took the passbook so he can't do anything with it. Besides, my father set up that account for us about 2 months ago and husband hasn't put anything into it so I feel it should just go to my father (which I got him to agree with)


Is the account in both of your names? One thing you could do is to withdraw half of it for yourself. Or give it to your dad and maybe you dad can then give the money back to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> Now I know never to give jewelry to anyone. Of course I never did that anyway. My woman has a very strong self image and doesn't need bling bling


Liking jewerly does not mean that a woman does not have a strong self image.

Why would you never give your woman jewelry? A gift is a gift. You imply here that if you gave someone a gift and then broke up you'd want the gift back or to sell the gift.... :scratchhead:


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> That piece of paper is not only about who can see whom. It’s about responsibility as well. For example if you two are still married and he runs up a lot of bills, the creditors might be able to come after you for payment. If he gets in a bad car wreck you can be sued as well with him. If he ends up with huge medical bills.. yep, they can make you pay. So getting a divorce quickly is really a good idea to protect yourself.
> 
> The small amount of jewelry you have were gifts. Jewelry is generally considered personal property like clothing unless there is a lot of very expensive jewelry that was purchased by community income/assets.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything you've said. Honestly, if we sell everything, (aside from the wedding rings) we'd be LUCKY to have $500.. sooo petty.. I've also been told that I am not obligated to split the cash from the sale of my wedding rings.. I won't be grimy like that though.. Just what I was told. I have a consultation today with a lawyer. Hopefully I get some clearance and am able to at least educate myself.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I've been living at my parent's house for almost 2 weeks now.. 

"husband" has sold most of the funiture in our place (splitting it) and it is VERY clear we will not be reconciling. He has admitted to me that the whole marriage was a mistake and never should have occurred. He says he wasn''t ready or whatever but he was the one who pushed SO hard to move quickly into a marriage. My family supported him financially, emotionally and he even INSISTED on taking my name, rather than the tradition of the woman to take the man's name. 

Here's my concern: 
After doing research, I'd LOVE to get an annulment rather than a divorce. Is that possible under grounds of fraud?? He basically used me, my family and my family name to "re-invent" a life for himself and now he's "through" 

Pleaase helpppppp


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

according to a lawyer I met with yesterday, anullemnt is not an option.. I guess what I'll do is wait and see what husband does and if he wants this, he can pay for it. You should see how he's chosen to live. He's sold almost all the furniture and has made himself quite a jail cell in the living room, sleeping on the floor. I can't believe this is how he prefers to live over working things out with his wife.. KILLING ME.. I'm not going to therapy (something I don't believe in as well as xanax.. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want my home back, my life back, my husband back..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jessy, don't look at counselling as something negative. Look at it as a guide to the path your taking. If you had to go somewhere and were lost, you'd use a map to find your way there. A Counselor, like a map, will point the way and they will hold up a sign post, to show you the path. You can find someone to help in your community, goolge it, or use your church. There are many inexpensive or free resources available.
As far as wanting back that part of your life. Your only thinking of what you had in the beginning and thought you were going to have later. It wasn't true. You know that, but your going to think about it and what could have been for a long time. That's normal. And that's why you need some counselling. Give it a shot, it will help you move on to the life you deserve.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I've foolishly begged my husband to stop this mess.. To stand up to the committment to vowed to and push through what I believe may just be a rough patch. Every marriage has it's ups and downs and if you truely love that person then you stick together no matter what.. 

He simply says "this is the way it is now, there's no going back, I don't want you. Move on.."

I filled my xanax rx today.. took 4 and had to get a ride home from work I was so messed up. Passed out for 5 hours.. Just woke up and my first thought was "damn.. should've just take then whole damn bottle.." He doesn't care if I live or die..

I couldn't do that to my family though. How could my little brother's live with that??? 

I'm feeling more and more desperate by the minute. Feeling drastically needy of him, then HATING him.. then just wanting to be completely numb and nonexistent..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> He simply says "this is the way it is now, there's no going back, I don't want you. Move on.."
> 
> I filled my xanax rx today.. took 4 and had to get a ride home from work I was so messed up. Passed out for 5 hours.. Just woke up and my first thought was "damn.. should've just take then whole damn bottle.." He doesn't care if I live or die..
> 
> ...


Listen, JR, you need counseling. All the pills in the world are not going to change your thinking. Believe me, I've gone that route. I was wacking myself out on Klonopin just to make it through another agonizing day in he!! with a husband who was so drunk, he was crapping all over all family room floor. Thankfully, I had tile floors!

You need to let this go, because what you have on your hands almost sounds like addiction. The more he pulls away, the less available he becomes, the more you want him.

You are considering, to some degree, taking enough pills to off yourself. You also are not able to deal with the anger you feel at this point. Having a desire to get numb and be nonexistent is dangerous. 

You start mixing pills with booze, and you could end up in the E.R. - with an i.d. tag on your toe - if you catch my drift.

It sounds like you have a family to support you. Can you speak freely with your parents, siblings, best friends? If you start feeling seriously suicidal - and it sounds like you are at least contemplating it - please get your a$$ to the E.R. NOW.

You are being overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Frankly, it might just be the real truth that you married a royal butthead. Still, you are grieving a loss, but it sounds like you don't know how to grieve in a way that is particularly healthy.

Do you feel you need more help/support than you are currently getting?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose, are you still here? I hope you are. Would you feel better hanging out here for awhile and talking about this some more? 

When you started this thread, you mentioned your husband has gotten physical in the past. I really want you to understand, to some degree, that your husband has been a d!ckhead. 

So, what does that mean? He's a d!ckhead, and it doesn't have squat to do with you. Sure, you feel the sting and pain of rejection, but consider who is rejecting you.

I would really like to know you are still here online. It appears you are, but I would feel a lot better if you would start venting, responding, heck - start screaming, if it works!


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I feel I may be beyond help.. I simply cannot see a tomorrow.. All I want is my marriage back.. or what I THOUGHT it was back.. I've voiced my feelings to him and he just remains cold as ice. Could be holding back feelings, like always, but still hurts like HELL.

I've always been into poetry and lately my poems are disturbing me.. I'm a happy go lucky woman, my glass is alway half full.. I no longer have a glass. 

I'm tired of hearing "stop throwing yourself a pity party, snap out of it, its not that bad, movve on" That INFURIATES me!

I fantasize about going to the apartment and having him come home to me lying there, gone.. Will he grow the F**K up and see what he's done then?? He doesn't take me seriously. Everyone dismisses me as just being heartbroken but it's SO much deeper than that! 

I can feel ok for about 10 minutes of the day but all the rest of the time I'm praying I won't wake up.. 

The ONLY reason I'm still here is because it would KILL my little brothers and father.. So what, again I put everyone else before me? Live a miserably lonely life so they can stilll have me.. I'd just be bringing them down anyway, feel like I'm just a burden..


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> JessyRose, are you still here? I hope you are. Would you feel better hanging out here for awhile and talking about this some more?
> 
> When you started this thread, you mentioned your husband has gotten physical in the past. I really want you to understand, to some degree, that your husband has been a d!ckhead.
> 
> ...


my husbands new kick is interrogating me about sleeping with someone/anyone. He knows how much I love and need sex. To be STRAIGHT UP, I'm not even having sex with myself. This issue goes so much farther than just SEX, come on! He says he believes I've been sleeping with a friend of mine for "a long time" which is BS because if you remember from my prior posts, all I did was beg HIM for sex that HE wouldn't give ME! He tells me he wants so badly to just F**K any girl right now but he isn't ready. WTF??? I told him "you do whatever the heck you need to do and believe whatever you wanna believe because I KNOW I did ALL I could have EVER done for you, for our marriage. The last few days I stayed out late with friends and family because I couldn't drown with him in that apartment. He claims I was screwing around.. COME ON, this isn't HIGH SCHOOL!! I told him "I'm going to therapy because of this, I took 4 fU**ing xanax this morning inn hopes to be numb. This all coming from a woman who won't even take MIDOL unless I can't move from the cramps!! Having said all that, all he says is "you have personal issues you need to work out, you're being drastic. move on" THIS BASTARD WOULDN'T GIVE A SH*T IF I WAS DEAD TOMORROW..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jessy, your living back home now, give your Dad the pills. NOW!!!

Your STBX was an immature 3 year old POS. Stop worrying about him, he only wants to bring you down. That's the only way he gets to you. He's getting a rise form you. Ignore him or he'll continue.

You, thank God, had the maturity to know better than ruin your life with that. 
Your better than that... You are strong, you stood up for yourself, be proud. 

Not everyone can do that...look at the people on these boards that are much worse than you, because they didn't have your strength. You may not feel it , but 'Your A Rock Star' to them.

If it's that bad today tell someone now! You mean something to your family. Don't screw the Rx, it's for help, not hurt. 
Let us know if you talk to your Dad. Will you?


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Jessy, your living back home now, give your Dad the pills. NOW!!!
> 
> Your STBX was an immature 3 year old POS.
> You, thank God, had the maturity to know better than ruin your life with that.
> ...


I'm generally a well spoken, positive, independently STRONG woman.. Right now, I don't know who that person is.. where did she go?? 

I feel incapable. I can't even make it through a 5hr work day at a FREAKING RETAIL STORE.. I feel incredibly week, negative.. lost,alone. I could have all my friends and family in a room with me and still feel utterly ALONE because my one true love, the love of my life, my best friend isn't there.. and never will be. Then on the other hand, all those feelings seem to have been one sided.. If he TRUEY loved me, if I TRUELY was his best friend and soulmate, how could he ignore my please??


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> THIS BASTARD WOULDN'T GIVE A SH*T IF I WAS DEAD TOMORROW..


You are right. He may not very well give a horse's patoot if you were lying half-dead in the road. He might step over you.

But he is not the person who validates you. He is someone who took your parents' money, took YOUR name, and then took his own dignity as a man by shoving you around.

Please consider the source. Because right now you are looking at a piece of crap. And you allowing that piece of crap to define you.

This is when you have to look at yourself. You are young. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you. Yes, you are going through a great deal of pain. We all hate pain. It sucks. We want to get around it.

The only way we get through the pain is to walk right into it. Going into "the belly of the beast" will get us to the other side.

Please listen to me. I attempted suicide twice in my life when two different men I loved rejected me. Granted, in hindsight, I can tell you that both of them were worth less than dirt.

But at the time, my self-esteem hinged on their acceptance. I had to learn to accept myself again. It was hard work, and I spent many a night holding myself in a tight ball while rocking back and forth on the floor and crying.

I made it through to the other side. You can too. You are a person of worth, value, and wonderful qualities. You have a contribution to make to the world. Right now you may not know that, but you have been given the attributes that make you uniquely you. And you are very, very valuable.

Maybe not to your husband, but I assure you, there are many people who treasure you. Heck, I don't even know you, and I care what happens to you! Think about that. I am a total stranger out here in cyberspace and I genuinely give a damn what happens to you.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You are right. He may not very well give a horse's patoot if you were lying half-dead in the road. He might step over you.
> 
> But he is not the person who validates you. He is someone who took your parents' money, took YOUR name, and then took his own dignity as a man by shoving you around.
> 
> ...


wish I could clck "LIKE" a million times... 

Thank you.. from the bottom of my heart


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

From the brief summary I gave my therapist, he says that my "husband" either has a mental issue to want to live the way he is living right now over working things out with his wife.. agreed.

He says that, or he tried to be someone he isn't, tried to make a life he couldn't keep up with (lies) and then blames it on "not being compatible" and runs, reverting to his old life..

I'm not sure if I posted this or not but, this SOB called my dad and says "your daughter isn't so innocent in all this.. I bet she's been scrwing around on me. Our sex life was so boring I had to look at porn and all she did was yell and fight with me" THIS IS WHAT HE TELLS MY FATHER!!!! NO RESPECT!

Needless to say, my brothers and father are sick over all his and reall want to 'handle' it.. but knowing my (whatever you wanna call him) he's be a little BIOTCH and call the cops as soon as they openned their mouths to him


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jessy, tell me, are you calm down now! This is just you venting, right? Your not going to do anything stupid?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi JessyRose,

I am glad to hear you have the support of your dad and brothers while going through this in addition to those in this thread. Prodigal shared some wise words. It's so difficult to imagine to have hope for the future when you are feeling alone and unloved, but I have been there too and looking back at that time in my life today I am so grateful I did not do anything permanent because I am truly happy and blessed as you will be at some point. If you do have any strong urges to harm yourself, please let your dad know or contact this hotline:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - With Help Comes Hope

Surround yourself with family & friends and stay busy...it sounds as though you have many good people in your life that truly care about you. Flip-flopping between anger and sadness is normal when your world has been flipped upside-down.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jess, we are not here to pester you, but we want to make sure you are going to be okay. This husband of your's showed your father MAJOR disrespect.

You can label him all you like, but he is what he is. Just a guess here, but the guy sounds like a raging narcissist. I married one. They are very, very scary. And they hate it when their victim/enabler leaves them.

You are seeing what can happen.

Please keep posting. Start a new thread, if you feel like it. People are here who want to help you through this. [email protected], girl, I went through this myself! 

Do you want me to PM you during the night? I have no idea what time zone you are in - I'm in the Eastern Time Zone - but I generally get up in the middle of the night anyway to turn off the t.v. Not to mention the two cats who think they own my bed who crawl all over me, so I have to rearrange their sleeping areas!

We are here to help. Just let us know what you need.


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Jess, we are not here to pester you, but we want to make sure you are going to be okay. This husband of your's showed your father MAJOR disrespect.
> 
> You can label him all you like, but he is what he is. Just a guess here, but the guy sounds like a raging narcissist. I married one. They are very, very scary. And they hate it when their victim/enabler leaves them.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the support, really.. and you can PM me anytime. I share a family computer now so may not be able to access it too often but I do try..

The thing that troubles me is that HE's the one who wants out. I mean, I'm not perfect. I became super paranoid and was very nasty in our fights but whenever I discuss this with him it becomes a chicken and egg thing. He tells me he's dying inside and beating himself up, feels like a failure but in the same breathe he says "this is the way it is now, i haveno regrets and I'm not ashamed of anything" wtf??? It KILLS me that he's scorned me over and over and I always forgave him and gave chance after chance.. and HE'S the one that hates ME, he's the one that wants out and blames me for "screwing around" which I NEVERRRR did


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

I wish he could really see all the damage he's causing me and actually give a damn!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Jess, I am going through something similar...H left 5 weeks ago. He withdrew any time I expressed feelings about anything, and now is has simply run away because its easier than working on anything. He is lazy, didn't support himself financially for years, took advantage of his parents and me. Now I suspect he is cheating. Who knows. The thing you should know is that the beat thing for you to do right now is cut off all contact. Concentrate on crying it all out, sleeping and eating, exercising if you can. Eqch day, just talk yourself that all you need to think about is getting through that day. I am still just putting one foot in front of the other, and may have to live this way for a while. When you have a thought about your H, try to catch it, toss it out and replace it with something positive. It is hard at first, but in time it will happen automatically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> I wish he could really see all the damage he's causing me and actually give a damn!


I know you want him to understand what he is doing, but I doubt it is in him to have such an epiphany. I think you know he hasn't given a damn for a long time. Maybe he never really cared, and was just manipulating you.

I certainly do not want to talk down to you, but I was 24 once myself. And I understand that my perspective on what I wanted from people is radically different than what I want, need, or expect now. 

Life changes, and so will you. What you are doing now is hurting yourself. His behavior? He's behaving like a nut. He doesn't care. I mean, c'mon, the guy is willing to just sleep on the floor without a bed?

It is almost 11 p.m. in my area of Planet Earth. I am going to get some shut eye. I ALWAYS wake up somewhere between 2-3 a.m. I will check up on you.

We all want to make sure you are not going to hurt yourself. Please. Do not even think further about it. You have this one, precious, short life. Do not waste it on the goof that emotionally and physically abused you, disrespected your father, and doesn't appear to have the ability to care or feel bad about his inappropriate actions.

You are very angry at him. I understand that. You have been used and betrayed. But believe me - get into counseling to work through this. The man is not worth it.

You can move past this and have a life that is fulfilling. You deserve a lot better than this, and you know it.

I'll check back in later.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I hope you are having a better day, JR. I woke up at 2 a.m. and planned to check in, but it is May here, and that means I woke of snorting, sneezing, and sounding like a rabid warthog. I took two Benadryl tablets to stop my sinuses from raging, and promptly fell asleep until about an hour ago.

If you come back, please let us know how you are doing, as we really do care!


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## JessyRose (Apr 15, 2012)

thanks for all the support..

got him to admit that he was trying to be someone he wasn't, tried to make a new life for himself and failed.. whatever

just got back from the apartment with my father and brothers to pick up my dressers so i don't have to live out of boxes.. he was in the parking lot with a car he just bought (piece of ****) and talking, laughing an joking around with the neighbo he is claiming I've cheated on him with!! WEIRD!!! He seemed completely fine an everything. I just walked right past him. GRRRRR ASSSSSSHOOLLLEEEEE I truey wish he would get diarhhea for a year straight! and bleed through his eyeballs.. I never wish harm on anyone but this "boy" has damaged me and played nothing but games with me from the start. I DO believe that.. 

Where to go from here..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JessyRose said:


> GRRRRR ASSSSSSHOOLLLEEEEE I truey wish he would get diarhhea for a year straight! and bleed through his eyeballs.. I never wish harm on anyone but this "boy" has damaged me and played nothing but games with me from the start. I DO believe that..
> 
> Where to go from here..


Well, you get into some pretty intensive IC. I understand your anger; you were misled and deceived. Don't worry ... his sins will catch up with him eventually.

The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. And there will come a time when you don't care. Unfortunately, we all carry the scars of things like this with us, but we grow from the situation and the scars are just that ... scars. They are no longer open wounds, and they no longer hurt.

You move on with YOUR life. Leave him to mess up his as much as he desires. You will get past this and have the type of life you want, with someone who is a decent, mature man.

In the meantime .... get into serious counseling. Get yourself straightened out and work through your own issues. After that, you have a far greater chance of attracting, and being attracted to, a decent man.

Letting go of the anger and hurt? Hard work. Please invest the time and effort into getting both out of your life. You deserve it.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

I feel bad for saying this, but I sense a lot of vindictiveness in your behavior - not just AFTER this stuff came up, but before - you do a lot of "forcing" reasons it sounds like - that doesn't sound like fun behavior to live with. 

The purpose of me saying this isn't to kick you when you're down, but for you to examine your behavior for the next relationship.


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