# First Thanksgiving Since Separation



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

How did you handle your first major Holiday after your separation/divorce? STBXW has the kids this weekend and instead of sitting around eating a frozen meal and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get out of town for the weekend. So far so good


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hey Numb, there is a very similar thread to yours here:
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/437719-anniversary-ive-never-wanted.html

The tips there may help you, but I think you getting out of Dodge and doing something new was a good choice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> How did you handle your first major Holiday after your separation/divorce? STBXW has the kids this weekend and instead of sitting around eating a frozen meal and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get out of town for the weekend. So far so good


*You made the right decision, @Numb26 ~

Cling to your friends, journal about your situation here where you're safe, and don't look back! 

Hopefully, it'll get better with time!*


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Hey Numb, there is a very similar thread to yours here:
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/437719-anniversary-ive-never-wanted.html
> 
> The tips there may help you, but I think you getting out of Dodge and doing something new was a good choice.


I read that thread. I feel for that guy. Luckily, I am nowhere near that bad. If I could describe what I am feeling it would be, free. My only issue is I have more open time then I have ever had before. Only so much work, gym, school, etc. I can schedule. LOL


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > How did you handle your first major Holiday after your separation/divorce? STBXW has the kids this weekend and instead of sitting around eating a frozen meal and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get out of town for the weekend. So far so good
> ...


Thanks! Getting better every day


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> How did you handle your first major Holiday after your separation/divorce? STBXW has the kids this weekend and instead of sitting around eating a frozen meal and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get out of town for the weekend. So far so good


The first big hard one for me was valentine's day. We were still in "trial" separation mode, I had ordered her flowers months before we split, she refused them, and they got delivered to my mom's house.

That sucked. I hung out with my mom. Drank some scotch, tried to get to bed early and not think about what she was probably doing and who she was probably doing it with.

The next big one was our wedding anniversary during the summer. Pretty sure we were done by then, and my friends took me out and got me loaded. I had started dating in a weird FWB/head over heels in love thing/messy on and off again 'relationship', but I know I woke up the next morning very hungover next to her with vague shadowy memories of that girl throwing my wedding ring into the river while a crowd of my friends watched and cheered.

Ah. Good times.

Going away is a good idea. Make not only a clean break of it, but new, fun, symbolic memories that help you move forward.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> I read that thread. I feel for that guy. Luckily, I am nowhere near that bad. If I could describe what I am feeling it would be, free. My only issue is I have more open time then I have ever had before. Only so much work, gym, school, etc. I can schedule. LOL


How about hobbies -- anything you always wanted to do? LEARN that -- do that. Check out meetup.com to see if there are any groups doing stuff you like in your area -- NOT a hookup site, just a way to meet like-minded people.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I wish now that I had gone away. The first one after I told him I wanted a divorce was HORRIBLE, truly the worst day of my life. I was dealing with the fact that I was hiding my true situation from everyone in my life. Ironically, the only person who knew about it that I could talk to was him. Um, nope. And my Mom had died and I was missing her so much I thought I would die. 

Christmas wasn't as bad because I worked so that filled 9 hours of my day. Then I faked a headache and went to bed early. 

Yesterday was the first since I "moved" out into the inlaw apartment. I worked and so the STBXH had the kids. He took them to our neighbor's house for dinner. I stopped in for a minute to say hello as they had invited me to eat with them but I had declined. It was a big mistake to do that...big. SO awkward. 

I then went to hang out with my brother and his wife for a couple hours and then went to my boyfriend's house. The plan had been for us to get Chinese together as although he had plenty of places to visit yesterday he wasn't going to eat anywhere. Well, the timing worked at his ex inlaws and so he sat down and ate at their insistence. That left me the only one hungry once I got to his place. Ugh. So my feeling of "we're in this together" quickly faded and I just wanted to go to bed and forget the whole day. But, he insisted on feeding me so we went someplace local and I had pot roast. It was delicious but the entire evening felt hollow. 

Today I am cooking for my kids. I had envisioned them hanging out with me today as "our" Thanksgiving day, but they are scattered to the winds. I am here alone and feeling even more hollow than yesterday. 

And everything was made worse by the fact that when I told my STBXH that I had invited my boyfriend to have dinner with me and the kids tonight he got angry that BF would be in "our house." which pissed me off. Then he apologized and sent me the saddest text about how he's been feeling and how much worse it is going through everything without me, "who always knows just what to say to make things better" by his side and told me to invite BF and have a wonderful evening. And so now I feel like a complete piece of ****. 

I guess that doesn't really answer your question but it might help to know that you're not alone I guess. *hugs*


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> I wish now that I had gone away. The first one after I told him I wanted a divorce was HORRIBLE, truly the worst day of my life. I was dealing with the fact that I was hiding my true situation from everyone in my life. Ironically, the only person who knew about it that I could talk to was him. Um, nope. And my Mom had died and I was missing her so much I thought I would die.
> 
> Christmas wasn't as bad because I worked so that filled 9 hours of my day. Then I faked a headache and went to bed early.
> 
> ...


Wow, sorry your day was so trying yesterday....send you lots of "hugs". I thought it was best for me if I just got away, by myself, so I didn't have to deal with any of the family, kids, friends and STBXW drama. The one thing I have really learned on TAM is that the only thing I can do is work on myself and that's what I am doing. I feel so much better physically and mentally but the emotional part is still a work in progress


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > How did you handle your first major Holiday after your separation/divorce? STBXW has the kids this weekend and instead of sitting around eating a frozen meal and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get out of town for the weekend. So far so good
> ...


I am trying really hard to create new memories that arent tied to STBXW.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Wow, sorry your day was so trying yesterday....send you lots of "hugs". I thought it was best for me if I just got away, by myself, so I didn't have to deal with any of the family, kids, friends and STBXW drama. The one thing I have really learned on TAM is that the only thing I can do is work on myself and that's what I am doing. I feel so much better physically and mentally but the emotional part is still a work in progress


I think two years from now when I have to work again I am going to just go away. The thought of not dealing with my ex, kids, work, or any drama sounds heavenly. I'd love to go to the White Mountains, in a cabin, and just order a pre-made dinner from somewhere with BF (if he's still around in 2 years) If things can't be the way they were I need to change it up and make new traditions. 

I think trying to fit my new life into my old traditions is where I went wrong. I'm glad you had a good day.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My STBXW and I also spent different thanksgivings yesterday. I went to my brothers house with his wife. He also invited my daughter and her boyfriend who drove in from two states away. It was nice to see them, especially since my STBXW can stand my daughter. STBXW had our twins with her. Today, it’s odd all being in the same house. STBXW and I haven’t spoken a word in 3 weeks. Maybe for Xmas I’ll take your route and just get out of dodge. I’m sure she will have our twins again as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

All “first holidays” were difficult for me but the following year was much better. Now the old memories have faded because new memories have taken their place.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> My STBXW and I also spent different thanksgivings yesterday. I went to my brothers house with his wife. He also invited my daughter and her boyfriend who drove in from two states away. It was nice to see them, especially since my STBXW can stand my daughter. STBXW had our twins with her. Today, it’s odd all being in the same house. STBXW and I haven’t spoken a word in 3 weeks. Maybe for Xmas I’ll take your route and just get out of dodge. I’m sure she will have our twins again as well.


You should, if you can. Go somewhere you always wanted to but couldn't before. Try new food, new activities. It has been very therapeutic for me


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Openminded said:


> All “first holidays” were difficult for me but the following year was much better. Now the old memories have faded because new memories have taken their place.


I am hoping that is what happens for me next year


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > I read that thread. I feel for that guy. Luckily, I am nowhere near that bad. If I could describe what I am feeling it would be, free. My only issue is I have more open time then I have ever had before. Only so much work, gym, school, etc. I can schedule. LOL
> ...


I have filled my free time with new things. Gym, classes at the community college, etc. I am even being more sociable then I ever was before and meeting new friends


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

I had my kids for Thanksgiving so I think it was easier for me than for STBXH. I have hosted our families for the past 20 years. My mom offered to do it but I wanted to keep things as normal as possible. So, it was just my family and the kids. It didn't seem like much more work than usual. I don't think STBXH was ever that helpful.

STBXH gets them for Christmas Eve and that will be sad for me. I have never spent a Christmas Eve away from my kids. But, I get Christmas Day so it won't be too bad. I am not hosting either and debating whether to bother even putting up the tree. It is just S16 and I at home and I am not sure he will care/help. I don't know if I can physically manage putting up a tree by myself. Maybe just stick to stockings and other decorations. Or a Festivus pole. :grin2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@20yr, I am going to recommend you put up your tree.  I have been pretty Scroogey over the last 7 years since my last divorce, so i have only had a tree up maybe 3 times. And it really does make you feel better. Last year I finally got myself a new pre-lit tree so putting it up can be way easier and more pleasant, and it really made a world of difference in my attitude around the season. (it wasnt my divorce making me feel blah, I have been well over that... it was just life in general)


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

3 ideas:

1. Find something you LOVE to do, and do that.
2. Volunteer to help the needy. You can feel better by helping others to feel better!
3. Make new traditions. Rethink what you've done in the past, what things you can drop, what things you want to keep, and what you would add in. Example: w/ older kids, maybe a Christmas Eve movie and open gifts at midnight, and go to brunch on Christmas day. 

Note: Let son help w/ the tree. Do something different with it. Get his input. Maybe start fresh....make it a guy tree, or a cartoon character tree, movie theme..... something different that will interest him in helping.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

20yr said:


> Or a Festivus pole. :grin2:


I vote for a frajee-lay leg lamp in the window. It must be Italian!:grin2:


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