# Can I fall in love after 12+ years?



## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

Hello.

Posted before, I had no idea what an emotional affair was but I did have one that ended over 2 years ago. Won't get into that here with this post.

I met my wife online. We got to know each other over the phone and after 3 weeks I flew to see her. I was 32 at the time, never married, only 3 girlfriends in my dating life prior to her. I was still a virgin technically. Anyway, she was very up front about looking for a husband, not a friend. I thought that was great as I was ready to settle down too. She overnighted me 50+ pics of herself soon after we met. I have to admit I was not "blown away". But I found her cute in her own way. Loved talking to her on the phone. She is quite the communicator and not shy at all. I am more quiet and introverted.

So we get together in person. Things seem good. I think it was during that first visit to her city during the 3 days or so I was there that she told me "I know you are going to ask me to marry you. And when you do, don't worry, I'm going to say yes". Wow, no rejection. My personality always looks for the path of least resistance. I didn't realize it at the time, but I have since discovered this about myself.

During the next 10 weeks or so she came to visit me in my city. She stayed a few days. I asked her to marry me and she said "yes", no surprise there. About a month and a half later I flew to her city again for the last time to marry her and bring her back to where I live.

During my time there before the wedding, I started feeling unsure of this thing I was about to do. During premarital counseling, which was being compressed into a few days instead of the usual several weeks, I would sit in the pastor's office and wonder what i was doing there. I didn't feel attracted to her the same way I had to a couple of other girls I'd dated in the past. I liked her but the sexual attraction wasn't there like it had been before.

What was the cause of this? I only remember one incident where we stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights. She really wanted to have sex, but I had a strict boundary about that only happening after the wedding. However we did engage in some heavy petting. This is where it gets somewhat embarrassing for me and I think maybe this is where my sexual issues with her may have started. I've always found myself turned on more when women groom their private area. I don't like much hair down there. My fiance had way more than most. I didn't realize how much until the honeymoon. I was really turned off by this. However, I also though my feelings about this were too shallow and that there is more to someone than what their pubic hair is like. 

Well, we got married, headed to the honeymoon and that's where problems started. I had fantasies of how a honeymoon would be back when I dated a certain girl in high school that I was head over heals in love with. When I got to my own actual honeymoon with my new wife, I felt none of those things at all. I didn't get turned on by her Victoria's Secret outfits, I didn't want to stay in bed, I didn't want to cuddle or make out, nothing. 

One thing I didn't notice about her before I got married, she has a lot of facial hair in the place where men have mustaches. She claims she didn't do anything different before, but I swear she had it waxed when we first met. She says it hurts too much to do that. So she shaves it. But there's always stubble there or missed hairs and I find it so revolting to be honest. I don't like kissing and feeling the hair. I know this is MY problem, but it is my preference and I'm not sure I can turn off this reaction inside myself.

Years later, after my emotional affair, I have faced all of these things with a new eye. In the aftermath of the EA I started writing a journal to help me express some of my repressed feelings and thoughts. I kept it on my laptop and had a password on it. My wife obviously was upset after I revealed the EA to her. She has had a very difficult time handling it. One thing she has done is to comb through my computer. For some unknown reason, she was able to get into my journal without using the password. She can't explain it and I have found no way to do so either. She read all my private writings. Oh the hell this has brought to us. I can't even begin to describe. And this has happened now almost two years ago.

Over the years of our marriage she has accused me over and over again of not being in love with her. I know she was right but I never would admit it. Because of counseling I have been able to start being honest with myself and I'm trying to be honest with her more. But it is hard because of her reactions to anything I say that reinforces the negative things in our relationship.

Her problems with me are some of the following. I never seek her out. I don't steal a glance at her from across the room. I don't take her out. I don't plan things for us. I don't like to kiss her (see above), I don't want to have sex with her (average for us is once per week) because she is always the on who has to pursue me, she wants me to pursue her, I don't seem to need her, she wants to be needed by someone.

After the EA she thought that all of a sudden things would turn around. Well they haven't. In some ways it has gotten worse. Actually much worse. But in other ways she says I am trying more than I did before.

Honestly I'm in the marriage today because of our two kids. I don't want to break up their home. But I'm not sure I can live this way. I told her it seems that there are two ways to resolve this. Either God or something completely flips a switch inside of me so my preferences from the past no longer are my preferences in the future (sexual attraction, mostly) or we just need to end it and both look to start over and be more honest (me) in the next relationship as well as take more time to make sure it is right. I remember thinking or writing in my journal the last couple of years that had I slowed down, actually dated my wife, lived in proximity to her for 6 months to a year, I think the novelty of the initial stages of the relationship would have been clear to me and I would not have married her.

I could stay with her and live a nice "routine". My personality allows me that option. She can't. She wants the wild sex, romance, etc. I can't get myself oriented that way with her. I like her ok but after lost respect for her over the years because of her very vindictive characteristics. I tend to just take things and bury them inside. I have a cool exterior. Even I don't often times realize when things are bothering me. Although lately after some counseling I have been better with vocalizing my feelings.

She wishes I had been a man and ended the relationship even as late as during the first year. Even back then she was unhappy with how I related to her. Now 12+ years later she feels she has been cheated out of being in a relationship with someone who REALLY loved her and desired her, lusted after her. This causes her much turmoil daily. And she often verbally lashes out at me to the point where I don't want to be around her at all.

There's so much more to this story than what I have written. I don't want it to drag out too long though. I've written some other threads about the EA. This topic is sort of an extension of those threads if anyone is interested in reading some more background.

Not sure if there is any way to save this relationship now. Is there some way I can find the romantic love for her that she needs and I have never given her? I'm here because it's safe to ask in this setting. Thanks for reading. I really do enjoy this forum and appreciate the feedback and support offered.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

It might help to know a little more about the EA and also how that is still affecting you? An EA is very damaging to a relationship, more so than the person(s) in the EA usually realize.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> It might help to know a little more about the EA and also how that is still affecting you? An EA is very damaging to a relationship, more so than the person(s) in the EA usually realize.


The emotional affair is 100% over. I had dated a girl back in 1995 and she broke up with me after about 6 months. We remained friends over the years but I was still VERY attracted to her. However after we broke up there was never any physical contact with her. Aside from being really hot, I just really liked her as a person, a friend, intellectually, spiritually, etc. I would fantasize about being with her, etc. Something happened between us that shocked me into reality and I realized where I really stood with her and it finally helped me to kick this fixation I had with her all these years. I have not had the same problems regarding her in over two years. She in fact moved out of the area about a year ago. While I occasionally have been in touch, it is pretty rare and I no longer have the feelings I did before.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I do believe that physical attraction is very important for all marriages, both parties should find something they like about the other's body. 

Do you think you can list all the things you do love about her body? For example with my wife things that jump out immediately is her smile (just lights up a room), her shoulders and how graceful they are, her figure is amazing, she has beautiful hair, etc.

I think if you want to start turning things around with her, you need to be able to fall in love with her and not focus on what you don't like... but focus on the positives.

Was she always vindictive, or did those personality traits emerge over the years? If they came after the fact, it's possible they are a result of resentment and hurt. She clearly doesn't feel loved or appreciated. She likely hurts (and I mean a true agonizing hurt) to the point of tears when you aren't around, or perhaps when you are around.

It sounds like she has a strong libido, and she feels you pulling away constantly. This makes her feel a sort of daily grinding rejection from you (whether or not you intend to hurt her this way). Over the years this can really build up a mountain of hurt and resentment.

You need to schedule probably weekly date nights, do you have friends/family in the area who can look after your kids?

To answer your question though. Yes you can fall in love again!

It is going to be harder, because she is going to have all these hurt feelings that won't go away easily. You need to pursue her, and reassure her that you genuinely want her (and you can't fake this). She will likely not fully believe you for quite some time, so be prepared for this.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm not sure you can "fall in love" with her, you never really had that attraction at the beginning of your relationship. It was kind of like the both of you felt like it was the right thing to do...get married, have a family. If you truly loved and adored her from the beginning, then I would say you could probably get it back, but even then it's a tough one.

Once I lose the love for a person, it's pretty much done for me.

You have to think about what will make you happy, do you not want your kids to see you happy? Kids are smart, they pick up on unhappy marriages.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

In response to @working_together. This is a concern I have and that my wife has raised to me. Often times after an affair (either PA or EA), the BS looks to rekindle what the couple originally had. There is something to go back to, something to remember and try to get back. My wife has always been in love with me. I'm the problem. But I am a "chicken" in some ways. I don't like conflict. I don't like rocking the boat. I take the path of least pain or resistance. I have come to realize this about myself more clearly the past 2 years. So getting married was one of the things I did like that. I had made the commitment to marriage and I felt I needed to go through with it. Even though I didn't feel that strong sexual attraction which had characterized previous relationships, I knew my wife was a good Christian person who I admired and who was strongly assertive in being with me. I didn't have to work at all to gain her affection. 

Anyway, thanks for your feedback.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

People should never settle.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that couples who were once in love can re-capture their affection by meeting each other's needs and spending 10-15 hours per week doing enjoyable things together.

However, it sounds like you were never in love, so there is nothing to re-capture. She can trim down below and wax her mustache, but that will not matter because you basically are not attracted to her. Attraction cannot be forced.

It is too bad that you allowed yourself to passively marry her. Now that you know yourself better, I would divorce and let each of you find someone you are compatible with. Life is too short to be with someone you are not passionate about.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

You cant that is a common misconception people have about relationships


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> You cant that is a common misconception people have about relationships


Interesting comment, I'm starting to think maybe you are right. What do you base your opinion on? Personal experience? It's more of just a hunch or gut feeling for me. One of the reasons I got myself in this situation is the lack of enough experience dating when I was younger. I guess at the time I met my wife I had been without a relationship of any kind for probably going on 5 years. Makes me wonder if maybe I let the "high" of finally someone being interested in me sort of cloud my higher reasoning powers. Then I just allowed the newness and excitement to push me into something too quickly.

While saying all that, I can't say that I dislike my wife. However over the years I have come to know sides of her I didn't see earlier on that have really soured me on her as well. It's just that I wouldn't want to sleep with every nice and likable person I meet. And having those feelings of romance is so important to her, sex several times a week, etc. These are things my heart is not in at all right now, at least the way she needs and deserves. And I am not a very good actor to fake it till I make it either. My reluctance is well observed by her as she has a VERY good sense of reading between the lines.


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