# Sexless



## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

Long story short my wife went on a diet about a year and a half ago and I believe it has morphed into anorexia, but that's another forum. A side effect, to me, yet she will not admit it is ZERO sexual desire on her part. We have not had sex in about a year and I have come very close to leaving as she will not even discuss the issue. She says she want to make it work yet the only time there is a hello kiss is when I give it, the only hugs happening are when I give them....and forget about anything more. It is killing me, I am starting to thing I have the problem since I want sex md she does not. I have even thought about going to a massage parlor or getting a prostitute just for the touch of a women and that scares me. She has actually stated she doesn't think a normal sex life is ever gonna happen and said I can go meet my needs and find an affair. Not really what I want, I want my wife. And even if I did how many women out there would believe my scenario that my wife said its OK if I have sex with other women as long as it's just to enjoy the sex? We have been married 20 years and it's killing me. I'm so frustrated day in and day out.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

How old is she?

If she's lost too much body fat, her body can't manufacture sex hormones; that could be the problem. If she really has anorexia, it's not any small issue; she should be treated asap. She's going to destroy her body and if she's middle-aged it may be hard for her to repair the damage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Is she going through menopause? Is she mad or resentful about something? Do you have children? Don't cheat and don't go see prostitutes. She will throw it back at you and deny she it was ok for you to cheat. You will be the bad guy. I don't give you much hope of her wanting sex again. She won't even discuss it with you so you can work on the situation. It sounds like she wants to stay married but doesn't want to have sex with you. If you have children then stay until they are grown and then get a divorce. I know you don't want to get a divorce but do you want to live the rest of your life sexless? Your wife isn't giving you many options.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She seems to be pulling away from all forms of affection, not just sex (PIV).


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

Anorexia is definitely the culprite and that is a HUGE battle I'm fighting. I honestly think it's the worst kind of addiction. I almost wish it were alcoholism so I can just drop her off at a clinic. Any eating disorder clinic is all voluntary unless I need to call an ambulance....and I don't want it to get there. I really feel like a chump putting sex ahead of 20 years of marriage but it's become more than that-I need contact. My daughter is 14 and the thought of waiting until she's out of the house is daunting. Like you said the fact that she won't discuss it leads me to believe it's over.


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Is she going through menopause? Is she mad or resentful about something? Do you have children? Don't cheat and don't go see prostitutes. She will throw it back at you and deny she it was ok for you to cheat. You will be the bad guy. I don't give you much hope of her wanting sex again. She won't even discuss it with you so you can work on the situation. It sounds like she wants to stay married but doesn't want to have sex with you. If you have children then stay until they are grown and then get a divorce. I know you don't want to get a divorce but do you want to live the rest of your life sexless? Your wife isn't giving you many options.


The thought of leaving after 20 years is pretty scary. It's taking a lot to g wrap my head around the possibility. Everything we've worked together to build......and if it's truly anorexia I would feel even worse if a left and something happens.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How much weight did she lose? Was she already normal weight but thought she was very fat?

When she goes for her annual wellness exam and GYN exam, what does the doctor say?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

"Lose weight".

Wifey is in superb shape, 21% BMI, Doc says " lose a few pounds "...


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

OP what is your wife's BMI? 18 - 25 is normal. Do you know how to calculate it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Stopping the sex but also the affection tells me this is something much more serious than dieting. Have you been taking care of yourself physically? (body, hair, clothes, hygiene, etc)

When the affection and sex stop, MANY times it's because someone else is getting it. The great majority of women are not able to have relations with 2 men. It could be that she's being loyal to her new man. 

You better do some digging. email, phone, tablets, social media. Maybe put a VAR in her car to see if she's confiding in someone. Do you know who she's hanging with? Going to the gym with? 

Do you research while making sure that you're taking care of business. With her obsessing about her body, your appearance needs to be on point. Are you doing date night, giving an occasional surprise gift or love note?

Recommend you get the following books: His Needs Her needs, Love languages, and MMSL primer.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Sflorida75 said:


> The thought of leaving after 20 years is pretty scary. It's taking a lot to g wrap my head around the possibility. Everything we've worked together to build......and if it's truly anorexia I would feel even worse if a left and something happens.


If your wife has anorexia she is sick. If she doesn't have anorexia, she may have another very serious health issue causing her to lose so much weight. I really don't think it's very honourable to leave a sick spouse because they are sick. I personally think you have a responsibility to your wife and daughter to work diligently to get your wife the medical attention that she needs.

If she is not ill, but has just decided to unilaterally ignore your sexual needs, then that's not something I think you are obligated to tolerate. It would likely be almost impossible to tolerate for any length of time, IMO.


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

jsmart said:


> Stopping the sex but also the affection tells me this is something much more serious than dieting. Have you been taking care of yourself physically? (body, hair, clothes, hygiene, etc)
> 
> When the affection and sex stop, MANY times it's because someone else is getting it. The great majority of women are not able to have relations with 2 men. It could be that she's being loyal to her new man.
> 
> ...


No other man, as sure as I can be. The anorexia is all encompassing....affecting emotions, cognitive thinking etc.


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> How much weight did she lose? Was she already normal weight but thought she was very fat?
> 
> When she goes for her annual wellness exam and GYN exam, what does the doctor say?


Down to 102 from 160. She is 5'6" and now bony and from what I can tell based on diet very low body fat. Anorexia is as much mental as physical and I think she is skipping here well women. She even got off the pill to lose those last few pounds. ?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Sflorida75 said:


> Down to 102 from 160. She is 5'6" and now bony and from what I can tell based on diet very low body fat. Anorexia is as much mental as physical and I think she is skipping here well women. She even got off the pill to lose those last few pounds. ?


I'm 5'6 and weigh 140 but I carry my weight well. I wear a size 4. When I was in the best shape of my life and muscular I weighed 123 pounds and I was a 00. I got asked often if I had an eating disorder until people saw my muscles. 102 at 5'6 is SEVERELY underweight. My daughter is 5'8 and weighs 119 and she's a beanpole. 

My bet is that this anorexia is severely ****ing with everything that has to do with her. Her lack of interest in sex is more of a mental issue then you think. She needs help. I almost lost my sister to anorexia/bulimia. It's really no joke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sflorida75 said:


> Down to 102 from 160. She is 5'6" and now bony and from what I can tell based on diet very low body fat. Anorexia is as much mental as physical and I think she is skipping here well women. She even got off the pill to lose those last few pounds. ?


WOW. A quick google BMI search indicates she is underweight and in the very high health risk range. But you already know that.

When was she last at the doctor? I assume not recently.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Sflorida75 said:


> Down to 102 from 160. She is 5'6" and now bony and from what I can tell based on diet very low body fat. Anorexia is as much mental as physical and I think she is skipping here well women. She even got off the pill to lose those last few pounds. ?


Whether her problem is anorexia or something else, she is very, very dangerously underweight. She would have almost no body fat at her height/weight. This means no sex hormones being made, no periods, no desire, whether she has anorexia or not. It also means her bones are becoming less and less dense and she will likely be developing osteoporosis. And there are a whole lot of other implications.

And you're right, if it is anorexia it's a mental illness. 

She needs medical attention asap.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@Sflorida75 we are going to state the obvious. This is not a sex issue. Right now, sex takes a back burner. Sorry. You are fighting to keep your wife alive.

IMO the focus of your thread should be how to get your wife help and convince her to see a doctor when she does not want to go. 

You might want to create a new thread in the "Focused Topics - Physical and Mental Health Issues." forum specific to what I just suggested. Others here may be able to help.

Good luck and my prayers are with you. 

BTW: I have personal experience with a physically sick wife with some mental health issues. Private message me if you want. But I have NO experience with anorexia.


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> Sflorida75 said:
> 
> 
> > Down to 102 from 160. She is 5'6" and now bony and from what I can tell based on diet very low body fat. Anorexia is as much mental as physical and I think she is skipping here well women. She even got off the pill to lose those last few pounds. ?
> ...


Thank you for all the replys. I have received validation from family members and therapists that she has anorexia but as is the nature of the disease she denies anything is wrong. We have a trip to Germany in July where she will meet her mother and father having not seen them in a couple years. Hopefully this will be the "come to Jesus" moment as far as the disease is concerned. I cannot force her into treatment, just leads to fights. Unfortunately I might have to call 911 one day to get her treatment. 

My need for sex seems selfish after all this discussion but I can't shake it. Tired of the fighting and going to bed angry.


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## Sflorida75 (May 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> @Sflorida75 we are going to state the obvious. This is not a sex issue. Right now, sex takes a back burner. Sorry. You are fighting to keep your wife alive.
> 
> IMO the focus of your thread should be how to get your wife help and convince her to see a doctor when she does not want to go.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the suggestion. This thread took on a life of its own.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her thyroid could also be causing this havoc. She needs a complete blood panel. I'd be tempted to tell her not to worry about sex as you have no desire to be intimate with a skeleton. How she can look in the mirror and consider herself attractive is something else. Hollows in the neck and back, teeny upper arms and no hips. Bet she's gone down about 1-2 cup sizes and bandwith of several inches.

She needs a reality check.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> @Sflorida75 we are going to state the obvious. *This is not a sex issue. * Right now, sex takes a back burner. Sorry. You are fighting to keep your wife alive.





Sflorida75 said:


> Thanks for the suggestion. This thread took on a life of its own.


..but in my opinion "sex" can heal! 
@Sflorida75 while I do not suggest you use force, I strongly suggest you overwhelm her with unrelenting strength of confidence, compassion, and your love for her! 

A man is the captain and a wife the vessel in which the two journey forth through life. You put the wind back in her sails by doing whatever it takes to make her feel loved.

Regards,
Santa


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She needs you to make this a deal breaker. Nothing less will motivate her to change.


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