# Confusion....



## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

So last night was a session of marriage counseling. The therapist tried a new technique, which was scary and really increased my anxiety. We had to face each other and tell how we were feeling in the moment. Of course, he said he is feeling scared. He also, for the very first time, told me how sorry he was for not standing up for me, supporting me, and allowing me to shoulder so much responsibility in the past. Its amazing to hear him say this, but at the same time it did not have the effect I was hoping it would on me. It did not make me feel anything except "i told you so". Which makes me feel guilty and sad. So, it really ended up being a rough, and anxiety filled evening. Then, today I had an appointment with my medicine lady (not really a therapist but dr who gives me my meds). She does about 30 min of talking with me and evaluating how I am doing. It didnt really help that she told me that it sounds like he is trying to contol me in an opposite way, by telling me im right and he will do anything to get me back, im the only one for him, etc.. I told her about wanting to go on vacation by myself over spring break, but him not really agreeing (he just doesnt understand I want some time ALONE), Im not asking for more than 2 days.......its like he is only willing to give me "so much" space. As she listened to me talk she told me that any time i showed or talked about feelings of anxiety was when I talked about being near him, or him talking about wanting me back. She thinks that I should suggest taking a 4 week break from seeing him (we have been having dinner dates about once a week and these have been high-stress for me). Just thinking about having to tell him this makes me want to puke.....he will see it as a step back instead of a path to a possible step forward..........hence, the title "Confused"


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

He's freaking out and trying to reel you in because you're pulling away and his pressure on you is pushing you faster. The perceived threat off losing you is just too much to handle and as anxious if not more that you feel being around him. I can understand why you feel the need to run like hell right now. You feel you need this space hoping that it will change the way you feel about him, but really it's the way you think about him that needs to change. The only way that's going to happen is if he impresses you on your return and gives you a reason to think he's better now than when you left. This four week separation should help with that.

The safest thing to do would be to just write him a letter explaining that you care about him enough to give him one last chance to improve himself in your absence before you are gone for good, and then leave for a few weeks. Try two weeks starting out and give him a call to see if you feel comfortable about returning yet. If you aren't ready then take another two weeks and call him again. You're going to be removing yourself from the situation and decompressing from all that stress until you can thin about him more optimistically. Odds are you've spent too much time around him and just need time to vent and chill.

You need this space more than anything to cool off and so does he but it's not his fault, and let him know that. Let him know you're thinking of him, you're faithful, and will come home when you can. I feel like it would work better if you also wrote down a few things you want to see him improve. If not he could be guessing beating himself up for weeks. Let him know that you care bout him but his insecurity is draining you. You want to see him do more around the house. You generally need to feel appreciated more and that he listens to you instead of waiting for you to finish. A time apart will make him miss what he took for granted I promise!


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