# Husbands ex fling is sister-in-laws BF



## pinkflowers (Oct 23, 2014)

My sister-in-law of only 2 months is best friends and has been since grade school with my husbands "ex fling" (ex-fling of very recent before we started dating). I can't stand being around her and have absolutely no desire seeing her at family functions. Of course this is causing lots of stress and problems with my sister-in-law. 

My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year and she is not "invited" to come along with my sister-in-law. Why would I want to spend Thanksgiving in "my" home with my husbands ex "fling". 

Am I being a complete baby? I have no idea what to do but feel this is a situation my husband and his sister created and now I am the bad guy who is causing stress in the family. 

One other thing - my husbands Aunt is having a huge Halloween party and has made it clear this is a "family only" party to avoid the "ex fling" to show up and cause an uncomfortable situation for me and my husband. Of course, my sister-in-law is furious and thinks I need to get over it. 

help????


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you are right. You never have anyone in your home who you not want there. 

And the older females in your tribe understand the importance of this and support you... Good. Your SIL is the one who will have to adapt. 

What you can't have is everyone happy. So you have to leave her to her anger, and ensure that YOUR HUSBAND is on board with YOUR OPINION. And if he's not, report back.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

A.) You knew about this friend and the history behind it and still got married, correct? 

B.) You are right. You don't have to have her in your house if you don't want to and your husband and sister in law should respect that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not talking about exes is fine. You have to deal with your husbands past. This does NOT mean you have to have his exes flaunted in your face.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think this is a perfectly acceptable boundary to have. 

Sister-in-law should get a clue. This would make many people uncomfortable. It doesn't mean her best-friend should be excluded from ever doing anything with your husband's extended family; but I do think you and husband get priority about which events to attend. I think husband's Aunt is wise to limit the drama, SIL should do the same. 

My spouse had a falling out with one of his best friends a few years ago. His brother and that friend are still best friends and have been since childhood. 

While we don't 100% avoid said friend, for instance BIL's birthday party he is there and everyone is civil, he is invited less often to family gatherings that my spouse is going to. My spouse gets priority over him (save BIL's birthday as mentioned where they both have to suck it up). Anything my spouse/we aren't going to he is free to join.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Where is your angst coming from? Is your husband saying that you need to be warm and welcoming to his ex? Or is it just his sister that thinks you need to get over it? 

If it's just his sister, and your husband is supportive of your perspective, I wouldn't stress out about it. His opinion is the only one that really matters here, not his sister's.

Is there more to this? Are you worried that your H might still be holding a torch for his ex? Is he too friendly or flirty with her when they do see each other at events?


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## pinkflowers (Oct 23, 2014)

Thank you all for the advice - my husband is 100% on my side and agrees his sister needs to try and understand my feelings and get over herself! 

No, there are no feelings or flirting going on with my H and his Ex. 

Now my sister-in-law is trying to tell everyone she is having "dessert" at her home on Thanksgiving after I serve dinner!!! I will have tons of desserts so this is ridiculous. I'm assuming she's trying to get everyone to leave our home and go to her home so her "BG" can attend??? She's also posting things on fb..."be careful where you draw the line in the sand"?? Unbelievable how she's acting and to make matters worse she is Ordained and performed our wedding ceremony. very hurtful to say the least that she has no regards for my feelings. 

Thanks you to you all!!! I need all the support I can get!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I can relate so much. My boyfriend's ex-FWB (friend with benefits)/ one of his former best friends is one of his sister's best friends still. They all know eachother since puberty.
His ex-FWB tried to break us up and his sister lostened to her side of this story, but never to mine. She only wants to ignore the situation, while I wanted to talk it out. By now his sister and me are not communicating anymore, as I feel she chose his ex - FWB over me and even her brother's relationship with me.
It hurts, trying to ignore the situation, but it's always in the back of my head...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> I think you are right. You never have anyone in your home who you not want there.
> 
> And the older females in your tribe understand the importance of this and support you... Good. Your SIL is the one who will have to adapt.
> 
> What you can't have is everyone happy. So you have to leave her to her anger, and ensure that YOUR HUSBAND is on board with YOUR OPINION. And if he's not, report back.


Above is all you need to know OP.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pinkflowers said:


> My sister-in-law of only 2 months is best friends and has been since grade school with my husbands "ex fling" (ex-fling of very recent before we started dating). I can't stand being around her and have absolutely no desire seeing her at family functions. Of course this is causing lots of stress and problems with my sister-in-law.
> 
> My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year and she is not "invited" to come along with my sister-in-law. Why would I want to spend Thanksgiving in "my" home with my husbands ex "fling".
> 
> ...


No way in hell are you obligated for this woman to be invited when YOU are the ones hosting. Period. End of discussion. 

When you are NOT hosting, then its out of your hands...you can hope the family is considerate and chooses not to include her, but as she has been around them all for so many years, that may not always happen. I just recently dated my BFF's brother after us having known each other for over 25 years. It didnt work out, but I am part of the family after all this time, and I hope that I am not excluded from their family functions when he is not the one hosting. 

Do you have reasons beyond the fact that they were involved to be so put off by her? Did she try to interfere with you two, or is she nasty to you?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

pinkflowers said:


> Thank you all for the advice - my husband is 100% on my side and agrees his sister needs to try and understand my feelings and get over herself!
> 
> No, there are no feelings or flirting going on with my H and his Ex.
> 
> ...


She has no regard for your feelings. But you have no regard for her feelings. I think you are right, but you still have no regard for her feelings. Thus, you are "agreeing to disagree" and letting the chips fall. You have to let her throw her hissy fit and try not to let it hurt you. Even if people leave your home for desert. If they do this, I would revaluate whether those people are acceptable to you as well.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Hicks said:


> She has no regard for your feelings. But you have no regard for her feelings. I think you are right, but you still have no regard for her feelings. Thus, you are "agreeing to disagree" and letting the chips fall. You have to let her throw her hissy fit and try not to let it hurt you. Even if people leave your home for desert. * If they do this, I would revaluate whether those people are acceptable to you as well.*


Host your dinner, serve your desert, be gracious to your guests. If some leave a little early to attend the SIL's desert don't take it amiss, they have a relationship with her that they value and they're trying to honor your wishes and still keep their other relationship. 

You've got the other adult women of the family on your side, accept that and let them do what they need to do to keep peace in the family. They'll likely chip away at SIL over time and try to bring her around.

Sad that she's a minister and presumably does couples counseling but doesn't get this basic point of protecting your marriage.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Doesn't her best friend have a family to see on TG?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think it's pathetic that ex fling even wants to be there, says something about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Your sister in law's lesbian GF is your husband's ex GF? is that what you are trying to say? otherwise, why would your sister in law ever bring her over to your house? I am not getting it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

At times, I just don't understand women & what the hell is going through their minds (and I am a woman!). I have a brother who is married. If one of my close friends was my brother's ex, I would not deliberately (because this SIL is doing just that) bring this said friend to family functions. It's one of those things where you just don't invite drama nor potential awkwardness to a situation. I love my brother enough to not want to cause any drama or awkwardness for him or his wife.

OP, your SIL is childish. What has your relationship with your SIL been like? I get the impression that maybe she has always felt a _certain kind of way _about you - doesn't hate you but doesn't fully accept you. No one said your SIL can't be friends with this chick or can't hang with her, but that is how she is interpreting this whole scenario. Again, she is making it all about her & not looking at the bigger picture.

The good thing is that your husband is 100% on board with you, that's the main person who needs to have your back. Since Thanksgiving is at your house this year, this ex-GF can eat with her own family. You are not obligated to invite her, she is not YOUR friend.

You may have to accept that your SIL will be more driven to invite this said friend to other family functions. Because, you know, she has a point to prove. Don't let her see you sweat & host as much as you can at your house too.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

pinkflowers said:


> Thank you all for the advice - my husband is 100% on my side and agrees his sister needs to try and understand my feelings and get over herself!


Your husband is completely on your side. This is all that matters. This isn't even a marital issue, thank God.




pinkflowers said:


> Now my sister-in-law is trying to tell everyone she is having "dessert" at her home on Thanksgiving after I serve dinner!!! I will have tons of desserts so this is ridiculous. I'm assuming she's trying to get everyone to leave our home and go to her home so her "BG" can attend??? She's also posting things on fb..."be careful where you draw the line in the sand"?? Unbelievable how she's acting and to make matters worse she is Ordained and performed our wedding ceremony. very hurtful to say the least that she has no regards for my feelings.


Your SIL having dessert at her home post-Thanksgiving, for whatever reason, isn't really any of your business. That's a pointless battle to fight as she's a grown woman who can have whatever event she likes.

As far as the rest, perhaps you're giving this woman way too much power? She's your sister-in-law. Let her have any view she so chooses, but just move on with your life. It shouldn't have any effect on you since your husband is siding with you already. Don't give the woman any more of your attention, not an ounce more power to cause trouble.


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## exhaustedmarriage (Nov 3, 2014)

pinkflowers said:


> My sister-in-law of only 2 months is best friends and has been since grade school with my husbands "ex fling" (ex-fling of very recent before we started dating). I can't stand being around her and have absolutely no desire seeing her at family functions. Of course this is causing lots of stress and problems with my sister-in-law.
> 
> My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house this year and she is not "invited" to come along with my sister-in-law. Why would I want to spend Thanksgiving in "my" home with my husbands ex "fling".
> 
> ...



He chose you. So why start a family feud and create problems for him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're not being a "baby" for not wanting the ex at your Thanksgiving dinner. 

If it were the sis in law, that'd be different, but it's your home. 

I feel for you. You just need to establish some boundaries. 

I am the ex in one social situation: I am very good friends with the sister of a guy I dated in high school. Their family loves me and I do, every blue moon, show up to a function they invite me to, but never at the ex's home, only the sister's functions and occasionally his parents. I am good on boundaries though and never do anything offside. I have seen him through 2 wives now. We've been friends for 20 years now!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why not have a sit down with your sister in law? Why is it so important to her that her friend be included in family gatherings? Why is her comfort more important than your comfort? How would she feel entertaining her SO's ex?

Don't play power struggle games. Be straightforward with your husband's sister. "How would you feel inviting the ex of your SO for a family meal?"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Why not have a sit down with your sister in law? Why is it so important to her that her friend be included in family gatherings? Why is her comfort more important than your comfort? How would she feel entertaining her SO's ex?
> 
> Don't play power struggle games. Be straightforward with your husband's sister. *"How would you feel inviting the ex of your SO for a family meal?"*


"Oh, it wouldn't bother me at all."

Unfortunately, trying to elicit an empathetic response from people who are this self centered rarely works, and in fact can backfire as the implication in their response is that there is something wrong with you, and not them.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I do think you are being a baby in one respect, by referring to her as an "ex fling", as if she is something tawdry, cheap and sleazy. 

If that is the case, isn't your husband just as tawdry and cheap for dating her? 

Start out by calling her what she is: an ex-girlfriend. This woman is a human being, and committed no crime against you. You don't need to resort to passive aggressive name calling. 

Having said that, you shouldn't be pressured to have anyone in your home that you don't want to be there. But unless you have reason to believe your husband is going to cheat on you with this woman, don't worry about if she shows up at other parties/functions. You are giving way too much power to this person and creating drama where it doesn't need to exist.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Are you 12 or something? Bloody grow up already.

Try to act like you're a married adult. His sister has a friend who gets invited to family events.. Who cares who she is? Be gracious and show how adults can interact well even under the most adverse conditions.

Plaster a smile on and get through the night. And keep your mouth shut from now on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OP bailed like 3 weeks ago...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"Now my sister-in-law is trying to tell everyone she is having "dessert" at her home on Thanksgiving after I serve dinner!!!"

Serve better desserts than she is


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## droll (Nov 11, 2014)

Because it's her husband ex fling or whatever. That's awkward that ex fling has to come every family occasion. You should talk to that girl and tell to her that she's not welcome and not a part of the family..


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