# Mopy pre-teen



## frustr8dhubby

Hi folks,

I am hoping some of you might be able to provide some guidance/reading materials something on dealing with my soon to be 13 year old.

Overall she is a great kid. Gets good grades, is a competitive gymnast, and stays out of trouble. In fact she even tells her mom when something negative/"wrong" is happening in her circle.

But right now she is NEGATIVE about EVERYTHING. I realize that part of it is being a teenager. I have been there, I get it. But she seems to take no joy in anything any more. She is a good artist but has stopped drawing because she doesn't think she is good. She could be a much better gymnast but she just half-a$$es everything. Same with her grades. She gets good grades because my wife stays on top of her. She is plenty capable but is lazy.

We have tried yelling at her (like that ever works), reasoning with her, you name it. I even asked her the other night if she wants to talk to a counselor at school or a psychologist if there are some things she doesn't want to talk to us about.

Is this just what I should expect from a teenager? ( I have two more girls coming up behind her.... )


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## Hope1964

It could be, but you have to be vigilant. She really should talk to someone. Have you tried pinning her down for a long discussion? Sometimes you have to be sneaky - I used to offer to take my kids to DQ then once they were in the car they can't get out. I would then drive down the highway or all over town for an hour or two. Approach the conversation in a roundabout way - maybe ask about something at school, try to get her talking about something, then very delicately bring the subject around.

I have a plaque on my wall at home that says "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree"


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## frustr8dhubby

Hope1964 said:


> It could be, but you have to be vigilant. She really should talk to someone. Have you tried pinning her down for a long discussion? Sometimes you have to be sneaky - I used to offer to take my kids to DQ then once they were in the car they can't get out. I would then drive down the highway or all over town for an hour or two. Approach the conversation in a roundabout way - maybe ask about something at school, try to get her talking about something, then very delicately bring the subject around.
> 
> I have a plaque on my wall at home that says "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree"


Actually I have tried. It is weird but my wife and I have such a completely different relationship with our girls. My wife and her fight like cats and dogs constantly but when they are in the car together my daughter tells her a lot. When I try to talk to her seriously she doesn't say much. Part of it is probably my fault because I joke and play a lot with my girls so I am the "fun" parent...  Not that I don't also have expectations of them or get upset with them it is just a different relationship. If I am upset with her I stop joking with her and in some cases even talking to her and she KNOWS I am upset and it bothers her.

My wife and I also have a little differently philosophy. She likes to save them from everything. Make sure they do their homework, etc. I tell her they need to take responsibility and fail on their own once and a while.


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## that_girl

I think it's the age. My daughter is the same. We have had long talks and she's ok. She hates her body (nothing wrong with her body) and typical girl stuff. She likes school and at her Open House night last night, her teachers all said she's a lovely kid...which was news to me because at home she can be a challenge.

But try to talk daily. I sit with the girls as they eat or I go into her bedroom and play games (LIFE is our fave right now) and she'll start to gossip.

But honestly, I think it's the age. People are so funky. I'm still waiting for my daughter's period to start. Oy.

But honestly, that sounds like my 12.5 year old. She'll be 13 in August...I see improvement in her lately but...teenage girls are funky, man. I remember being one. I was funky too. lol!


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## frustr8dhubby

Thanks that_girl. I honestly don't mind the moodiness/moping because I expect some of that. What hurts/concerns me is that she just isn't happy about anything. She seems to not get joy from anything any more and she used to be a pretty happy go lucky kid.


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## 827Aug

What you are describing sounds very much like my now 18 year old daughter. When she was 11 the moodiness and negativity began. We thought it was just a phase but apparently not. She's still like that. My other 18 year old daughter has never been moody or negative. Speaking from a hindsight perspective, I would say definitely get your daughter evaluated by a psychologist. I would like to do that with my daughter, but our insurance doesn't seem to pay for evaluations. That and she doesn't want to.


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## CLucas976

I was such a pain as a teenager.

I was mopy, depressed, friendless, procrastinating, unmotivated, and generally hated the world.

I hid in my room, walk around the house with headphones on, and demanded to be left alone. I wrote horrible poetry, smoked cigarettes, and chewed off anyone's face that tried to pry into "What was wrong"

My bedroom looked like a club, smelled like incense, and was my cave until everyone else had gone to bed, at which point I felt it was safe to go downstairs and eat/use the computer/watch tv.

I was so not the daughter my mom expected, I'm still not really. but I will say, to some extent, the negativity is normal.


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## growtogether

Hello 
Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.


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## Mavash.

frustr8dhubby said:


> Overall she is a great kid. Gets good grades, is a competitive gymnast, and stays out of trouble.


I don't have a teenage girl but I used to be one. These are red flags to me. I was that good kid, overachiever, who stayed out of trouble but what my parents failed to realize was how hard I was on myself and how unbalanced my life was. And yes I became depressed.

Not trying to alarm you because there were other factors at play (my parents sucked) but just to keep an eye on it. Could be just moodiness or it could be something else.


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## CLucas976

growtogether said:


> Hello
> Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
> Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
> She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.



That's a cute idea, but even my adult self would probably laugh and walk away, teenage me used to make people cry for such attempts.

be there, support your kids, accept them for who they are, and keep enough tabs to make sure they're not into things that are harming them. They'll discover new perspectives all on their own.


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## Leahdorus

I just finished reading a book that I am now recommending to everyone I know with teens and tweens. 

My Book - Yes Your Teen Is Crazy

AFter reading it and seeing what you are saying your daughter is doing, I would say it's probably normal. BUT, getting a professional evaluation is always good as a precaution, because you never know. 

The book says that kids in the 11-18 age range are in the middle of some rapid brain development, just like when they were 2-3 years old. Some odd behaviors come out during this time (just like when they were toddlers!) and the key is to not let things get to you, but to be aware and available and modeling good communication. Yelling at her probably makes her feel worse. She may not be able to get past the negativity, or there may be something bugging her that you aren't aware of.


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## frustr8dhubby

Mavash. said:


> I don't have a teenage girl but I used to be one. These are red flags to me. I was that good kid, overachiever, who stayed out of trouble but what my parents failed to realize was how hard I was on myself and how unbalanced my life was. And yes I became depressed.
> 
> Not trying to alarm you because there were other factors at play (my parents sucked) but just to keep an eye on it. Could be just moodiness or it could be something else.


That is what worries me, thanks. I wouldn't exactly call her an overachiever though, in fact she is quite lazy. She does "just enough" to get where she needs to be where if she applied herself she would probably be on top..

She is also a follower which is probably what scares us the most.


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## frustr8dhubby

growtogether said:


> Hello
> Your daughter ha a negative attitude, well let's try to change her perspective about how she sees life.
> Let's say she says '' I'm not good at drawing anymore''... Ask her '' what is it for you to be good at drawing? How would you describe me success? How can you get there?''
> She has a negative perspective and sees the world only in one kind of glasses. Make the discover the positive.


Thanks, we try that. Though I have to admit I am quite a "negative nelly" myself which I am sure doesn't help. I am able to laugh it off as I know how I am. She doesn't seem to be able to do that.


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## frustr8dhubby

CLucas976 said:


> That's a cute idea, but even my adult self would probably laugh and walk away, teenage me used to make people cry for such attempts.
> 
> be there, support your kids, accept them for who they are, and keep enough tabs to make sure they're not into things that are harming them. They'll discover new perspectives all on their own.


Thanks for the insight and I get what you are saying. However, being a similar type of personality I know what self-deprecating behavior can do to you as you get older. I am still paying for it with low self-esteem, etc and I don't want her to go through that. Not that she has to be all sunshine and roses all of the time but I want her to get some joy out of SOMETHING...


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## frustr8dhubby

Leahdorus said:


> I just finished reading a book that I am now recommending to everyone I know with teens and tweens.
> 
> My Book - Yes Your Teen Is Crazy
> 
> AFter reading it and seeing what you are saying your daughter is doing, I would say it's probably normal. BUT, getting a professional evaluation is always good as a precaution, because you never know.
> 
> The book says that kids in the 11-18 age range are in the middle of some rapid brain development, just like when they were 2-3 years old. Some odd behaviors come out during this time (just like when they were toddlers!) and the key is to not let things get to you, but to be aware and available and modeling good communication. Yelling at her probably makes her feel worse. She may not be able to get past the negativity, or there may be something bugging her that you aren't aware of.


Leahdorus,

I know that yelling makes it worse and that is where I get on my wife about it. She is the type that just keeps going and going and won't let something go. It drives me nuts... She has a right to be angry at times but jeez state your case and drop it, stop berating...

BTW, does the book talk at all about pulling anything out of her that might be bugging her?


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## that_girl

I have started to set aside 30 minutes a day just for her and I to talk and play a game (We're addicted to LIFE right now). It's helping so much with her behavior. We always spent time together but with a 3 year old, it was never one on one...now it is.


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## growtogether

frustr8dhubby said:


> Thanks, we try that. Though I have to admit I am quite a "negative nelly" myself which I am sure doesn't help. I am able to laugh it off as I know how I am. She doesn't seem to be able to do that.


So maybe it's something you and your daughter need to work on together.


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## frustr8dhubby

growtogether said:


> So maybe it's something you and your daughter need to work on together.


It is a good thought and one I have considered. The problem is: How is one "unhappy" person supposed to teach someone else how not to be "unhappy"?


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## growtogether

frustr8dhubby said:


> It is a good thought and one I have considered. The problem is: How is one "unhappy" person supposed to teach someone else how not to be "unhappy"?


Well, I think you guys will support each other in that process... Nothing is better than talking about it together. How open are you about your feelings and happiness with your daughter? Does she know how you feel? What does she know and what should she know more?

What do you want for you and your daughter? If you were to state something, what would it be?


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## frustr8dhubby

growtogether said:


> Well, I think you guys will support each other in that process... Nothing is better than talking about it together. How open are you about your feelings and happiness with your daughter? Does she know how you feel? What does she know and what should she know more?
> 
> What do you want for you and your daughter? If you were to state something, what would it be?


My wife and I are both pretty open with all of our girls (possibly too much so in some cases).

Where I am not, is letting them know how unhappy I am in my marriage and work life right now. I don't want them to think that their adult working life will suck because mine does. And I am also conscious of the fact that some of my issues (in regards to work) are of my own doing...

As for what I want for her is that I want her to be happy being who she is. I don't want her to feel like she has to "fit in". For all of my insecurities/struggles, I am pretty comfortable with who I am as a person. I have always been a bit too ******* for the yuppies and too yuppie for the ********..


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## frustr8dhubby

Bye the way which is a large part of my problems at work. Intellectually I tend to be light years ahead of management but I SUCK at verbalizing it so it does no good..


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## CLucas976

*"As for what I want for her is that I want her to be happy being who she is. I don't want her to feel like she has to "fit in". For all of my insecurities/struggles, I am pretty comfortable with who I am as a person. I have always been a bit too ******* for the yuppies and too yuppie for the ********.. "*

Everyone at some point feels like they need to fit in. I think you need to remember that you have so far given your daughter the right tools to get through this stage, and continue to be the good parent that I get the vibe that you are.

If there is one thing I could have asked for as a teen, it would have been more understanding and support and less disgruntlement from my parents about my temperament. I have always been a little too this, and not enough that for most social circles, which did make teen years awkward, but now, I am a pretty decently adjusted person, and very confident in who I am, you might just see that your daughter comes out of this very similar to that, even if she's a negative nancy for a while 

keep the communication lines open


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## growtogether

So you want her to be happy being who she is. 
You know, if you want to be there to support her in the process, you need to be strong and show yourself positive... You are her dad, her teacher her model.
She can work on herself, but maybe you need to do so to be able to help her.


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## frustr8dhubby

Oh believe me I have been fighting my insecurity demons for many years (including IC).

That's one of the reasons I want to nip this early in her so she doesn't go through what I have..


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## growtogether

I know your daughter is the main subject here, but I can see that you are as most important here in her process to get positive. If you were to make a list of 4 solutions to get on this positive path together, what would they be?


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## Leahdorus

frustr8dhubby said:


> Leahdorus,
> 
> I know that yelling makes it worse and that is where I get on my wife about it. She is the type that just keeps going and going and won't let something go. It drives me nuts... She has a right to be angry at times but jeez state your case and drop it, stop berating...
> 
> BTW, does the book talk at all about pulling anything out of her that might be bugging her?


Nothing specific except that he encourages modeling good skills, as teens see/hear everything even if you think they aren't paying attention. I think some of the other folks here made some good suggestions. I know that some kids like to talk without pressure, so not making a big deal out of it, or talking while driving somewhere (no eye contact sometimes makes it easier for kids to open up), or casually talking while doing an activity can make it feel less threatening.


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## frustr8dhubby

growtogether said:


> I know your daughter is the main subject here, but I can see that you are as most important here in her process to get positive. If you were to make a list of 4 solutions to get on this positive path together, what would they be?


If I had solutions I wouldn't be in this predicament now would I? 

BTW, I love your signature.


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## growtogether

frustr8dhubby said:


> If I had solutions I wouldn't be in this predicament now would I?
> 
> BTW, I love your signature.


hummmm, is it really true ? is it really true that you have not even a little tiny bit of an idea? Is it really true that other people always have THE solutions for you?

My point is that you have all the answers inside of you, just dig a little bit and take the time to look deeply, you will find them. That is a belief that I have, that I develop with my coaching and I truly believe that everybody can do so.

You are intelligent, I'm sure, take the time to think before answering fast that you are not able to find a solution, because you are able 

So just-as-if you could see yourself and your daughter from the outside (just like if you were a camera on the side) and look to this situation with a different perspective (more neutral), what do you notice first? When you look at those 2 individuals (because you are not you anymore, you are the camera), what would you like to tell them? What would be some ideas to you would like to give them?


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## frustr8dhubby

You know it is kind of odd but I am a problem solver at work, that is what I do best.

But when it comes to this kind of stuff I really don't always know how to approach it. Logically I know we need to focus on the positives in our lives but in practice I find it very difficult.


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## Bottled Up

Why don't you plan a weekend camping / hiking trip just the two of you to a really remote place where there's not other campsites on top of you... a place where you can feel a little isolated and then just connect with each other? This will allow you some "no-pressure" opportunities to just focus on each other and have some deep conversations and you can both open up a little and have a great bonding experience.

I think trying to isolate yourselves without distractions of the rest of the world is the key here. No cell phones or technology, just you two and nature. All you have is your conversations to keep you company.

The reason I say this is because your kid will have no escape from you and will be forced to hear you. And as long as you make the trip a no-stress situation and your questions are imposed very subtly, like coming off as a friend asking another friend, you can possibly get some real heart-to-heart dialogue going with her and even inspire her if you can make a connection.


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## frustr8dhubby

Worth a shot, thanks...


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## specwar

The best thing you can do is continue to provide structure (eat together regularly) for example. Those are prime opportunities to get into discussions about issues that challenge each of us.

When we share experiences with each other in front of our children (the good and the bad) without having to fight it gives our children the mental que that it is ok to talk to us about many things or anything. The more diverse the discussions the better. Most kids don't talk to their parents because they don't know how. They think we are foreign and out of touch. We couldn't possibly know what they are going through. 

Thats when you find them laughing about some of the stories of the silly things that you did as a teenager with regards to relationships and bullying. I try to keep it pretty tame while still getting the message across to them that my heart was crushed as a young person when my girlfriend dumped me. ( I cried for hours) Keeping in mind that your stories may give license for them to try what you are sharing. That is why I share without telling about the bad parts like running away from home and the fights.

The important part is that communicating regularly is the best medicine. You will at first have to force more information but eventually they will know that (im fine) is never going to be enough and they will spill the beans without having to be dragged.


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## frustr8dhubby

That's the funny part. She doesn't not talk to us. In fact I was trying to talk to her about her negativity on the way home from the gym last night.

Not even sure how we got on the subject but she proceeds to tell me about her friend who wants to give a blowjob??  I was like WTF? This girl is 13...

So of course that derails our conversation into one about the implications of sex at that age. How many girls/boys her may just talk that way to get attention but it is a good way to get a "reputation" blah, blah.. Ugh...

I am really not ready for 3 teenage girls!!! 

But I am also happy that she is comfortable coming to her mother and I with this kind of stuff as much as it makes me churn inside...


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