# need some serious advice:my husband went to a call girl



## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Hi,my husband went on a business trip recently.He came back and admitted to having sex with a call girl.He was with his colleagues and he says he was inebriated.He didnt have an inkling of what might happen when they went to the nighclub.And then this girl came up and they ended up having sex.He has been extremely apologetic and has confessed the day he came back.He says he has been unable to sleep properly after that.He said this was a mistake and has asked for a second chance.I love him a lot and had complete trust on him.We are married for 12 years with 2 kids.we have a very active sex life.Since he came back he keeps on telling me how much he loves me.I know he loves me.But my world has come crushing down on me.I feel betrayed,cheated and very pained.I am unable to sleep at nights.I am trying to cope with this but it is very difficult for me to come to terms with this.I have no one to talk to on such a sensitive issue.Please help me with some advice.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Well first question, what do you want?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Get tested for STDs if you had sex with him after this trip


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Pertinent question.I love him too much and definitely want to be with him.I can see him wake up in the middle of the night and tell me he loves me.I believe him,at least I want to.But,saying and doing are such different things,poles apart...excruciatingly difficult.Just unable to come to terms with it.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Hi rrrbbttt..thanks for the advice.In fact,my husband himself told me that he would visit a doctor and get himself tested immediately.He says he has used a condom,but he was too drunk and is not so sure.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

In fact I am having stupid thoughts like.Whether he was attracted to the girl,whether she was good looking etc etc.He tells me that he doesnt even remember how the girl looked,and he is very much attracted towards me and loves me with all his heart.I want to believe him,but,finding it so difficult.Being a woman I have no idea of how a man feels.For me,sex is so much related to love.but I guess for men its different.And it least I would want to think that it was a more of an instinctive reaction,specially under the influence of alcohol.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

No, it is not different for some men, sex is related to love, as it is not different for some women.

There are many posts on this site of individuals, men and women, who were going to have a RA but could not complete it because it was not about love it would just be the sex act.

Advise, you still need to be tested he could be just a carrier and not show signs of the STD.

Also, your husband needs to understand boundaries, if he cannot drink when he is out then he needs to give that up if he feels it is the cause of his problem. My personal feeling is alcohol Is not an excuse, he did not have the boundary and the alcohol gave him an excuse to do something that he did not have a firm boundary on. 

You may want to consider a MC, to get the issues on the table and not to have them be just rug swept.

Also, if his colleagues push this sort of behavior when they are on business trips your husband should consider not including himself in these away from business activities if he cannot control himself and/or is weak in the areas of boundaries. Yes he will be called a party pooper but what is more important to him, you or going out with the colleagues? 

He should also give you free access to all his info on computers and phone, facebook, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men are typically more sexual. They grow up joking with each other about sex, getting it, looking at girls' bodies, fantasizing...that's why there's 100 clubs of girls dancing to every 1 of guys dancing. I'm pretty sure that if he wasn't in a group of guys, if he hadn't been drinking, and there wasn't a willing woman dumping herself in his lap, he wouldn't have done this. Give him a second chance.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> Men are typically more sexual. They grow up joking with each other about sex, getting it, looking at girls' bodies, fantasizing...that's why there's 100 clubs of girls dancing to every 1 of guys dancing. I'm pretty sure that if he wasn't in a group of guys, if he hadn't been drinking, and there wasn't a willing woman dumping herself in his lap, he wouldn't have done this. Give him a second chance.


Look, I hate cheating, and don't want to make excuses for him. He's done something terrible, but at least he isn't trying to hide it, pretend it wasn't bad, etc.

It still sucks, but he's not cut from the totally selfish and irresponsible cloth of some of these long-term, deceptive cheaters.

Its all up to you. (or down to you for our UK friends).


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I was engaged to a woman many years ago and I did the same thing to her. She left me, and I to this day think she did the right thing. In My experience once a man sleeps with a prostitite there is a very good chance they will do it again, married or not. Perhaps I am being cynical after being in the military all these years. 

I hope I am wrong in your case. If your husband did it because he says he was drunk then he needs to look at his drinking. To often people try and blame alcohol. That is a copout IMO. He needs to blame himself not, the alcohol or anything else.

If he can remember re sleeping with woman, then he can remember what she looked like. He needs to be more honest with you and answer any questions you may have. I will say not all call girls are pretty. It is not really about the looks in my experience. For me it was an easy way to get laid when I was horny. If a person sleeps with a prostitue they would be willing to have a one night stand with a girl at the bar too.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

See,I have decided to give him a chance.After a lot of thought.The most important reason is that he came up and confessed to me.Now these are the things he told me,pardon me if I sound a little raw:-
1)This was first visit to Manila(apparently sex is available for free-literally)
2)they were down 5-6 pegs when the local guys took them to a nightclub
3)there were many phillipino girls dancing on the floor.
4)They were on their drinks,when slowly the girls started coming on to them.
5)he said he was very very drunk then.He remembers that the girl massaged him,and then stripped.And then she started performing oral sex.At that point of time he said he asked what was happening.But it was too much for him
6)Then he says he remembers the girl put on a condom before performing it.
7) He is saying that after that he hardly remembers.but his instincts took over.
b)He says he is not sure whether he had intercourse.He says he cant remember this part
Now,I am not so sure about the last part.I wanted to ask other men that is it possible that in such a situation you dont remember correctly?

Now to the next part,he has told me that he has let me down and let himself down.and has promised me that he would never ever let himself in such a situation .he said he would never go to any business trips anywhere with these set of people.He says his life would crumble without me as he loves me a lot.When he says these things he does it genuinely,because,he has never been a great actor.But,I am not being able to trust him like before.And that is getting so difficult for me.how do I get over this?How do I transform this into a normal relation again?he is putting in a lot of efforts.But how do I normalize myself into this relation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

truetomaself said:


> In fact I am having stupid thoughts like.Whether he was attracted to the girl,whether she was good looking etc etc.He tells me that he doesnt even remember how the girl looked,and he is very much attracted towards me and loves me with all his heart.I want to believe him,but,finding it so difficult.Being a woman I have no idea of how a man feels.For me,sex is so much related to love.but I guess for men its different.And it least I would want to think that it was a more of an instinctive reaction,specially under the influence of alcohol.


Both men and women can have sex just to have sex. What do you think the woman he was with did it for? Love???? hardly.

Since it was free... it was not prostitution. It was some woman just having fun... just like your husband was.

Do not make excuses for what he did by saying that it did not mean anything to him (or to most men).


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

rrrbbbttt said:


> No, it is not different for some men, sex is related to love, as it is not different for some women.
> 
> There are many posts on this site of individuals, men and women, who were going to have a RA but could not complete it because it was not about love it would just be the sex act.
> 
> ...




:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

truetomaself said:


> How do I transform this into a normal relation again?he is putting in a lot of efforts.But how do I normalize myself into this relation?


There is a way to recover your marriage. There are changes that have to be done to protect your marriage. You now know that your husband has is vulnerable to putting himself into bad situations that he can then can try to use as an excuse for his fun.

Do not let him off the hook easy on this saying that it was only sex and men just do that. 

There are some good books that I suggest you read

"Surviving an Affair" (yes I know it was not an affair, but the book will tell you a lot of things that you two need to do.)

Then after that read 

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

If the two of you do the work in the books, it will help you recover. 

You both need to put things in place that protect your marriage. For example your husband can no longer go out with men (or anyone) without you and drink. He cannot go to our to bars without you. He's too vulnerable.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He remembers........


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way. Something to consider is how would your husband react if you were the one who went out and did what he did.

Most men will dump their wife if she did what your husband did. So keep in mind that what you are doing by giving his a chance to make it right with you is a HUGE gift to him. Stand your ground on requiring that me make serious changes in what he does when he's not at home.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

This is one of the rare cases where i am going to say, don't leave him. He could have hidden it from you like 99% of men do from their wives, but he didn't. Good that you gave him a second chance, listen to what people are telling you to do, but please be careful. Prostitutes are nasty, most of the time, if it happened once it will happen again. I have no idea if this is the case.


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> By the way. Something to consider is how would your husband react if you were the one who went out and did what he did.
> 
> Most men will dump their wife if she did what your husband did. So keep in mind that what you are doing by giving his a chance to make it right with you is a HUGE gift to him. Stand your ground on requiring that me make serious changes in what he does when he's not at home.


So true. If you would have done what he did. He would have most likely divorced you. You can do what you want.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> By the way. Something to consider is how would your husband react if you were the one who went out and did what he did.
> 
> Most men will dump their wife if she did what your husband did. So keep in mind that what you are doing by giving his a chance to make it right with you is a HUGE gift to him. Stand your ground on requiring that me make serious changes in what he does when he's not at home.




So you're saying because she did not cheat he should feel lucky for a second chance :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

xakulax said:


> So you're saying because she did not cheat he should feel lucky for a second chance :scratchhead:


No that's not what I said. You definitely twisted what I said.

I'm saying that he should feel lucky that she is giving him a second chance.

And I'm saying that if she did what he did, the chances are very low that he would give her a second chance.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> No that's not what I said. You definitely twisted what I said.
> 
> I'm saying that he should feel lucky that she is giving him a second chance.
> 
> And I'm saying that if she did what he did, the chances are very low that he would give her a second chance.



My apologies then I misinterpreted your post


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

truetomaself said:


> See, I have decided to give him a chance. After a lot of thought. The most important reason is that he came up and confessed to me.


I'm probably one of the least pro-reconcilation people on this forum. I truely believe most cheaters are only sorry they got caught and/or sorry about losing their security blanket. They claim to be remorseful yet they only stopped the whoring around AFTER the spouse found out. Sorry, that's not remorse to me, that's damage control and a form of manipulation. It's sad so many BS's can't tell the difference.

The fact that he confessed something that you would of otherwise never have known proves to me that he has the ability to be truely remorseful. That the guilt was eating away at him. And it's only with that kind of genuine remorse that you can built a true reconcilation if thats's what you want. I honestly believe maybe 5% of cheaters deserve a second chance.

I think you made the right choice based on the fact pattern you presented. He deserves a second chance if you want to give it to him.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

truetomaself said:


> 5)he said he was very very drunk then.He remembers that the girl massaged him,and then stripped.And then she started performing oral sex.At that point of time he said he asked what was happening.But it was too much for him
> 6)Then he says he remembers the girl put on a condom before performing it.
> 7) He is saying that after that he hardly remembers.but his instincts took over.
> b)He says he is not sure whether he had intercourse.He says he cant remember this part.


Firstly I feel for the op, cheating is a nasty game and it can't be nice to be on the receiving end of it.... 

That said, number 5 made me laugh the most.. very drunk, he asked what was happening.....buuutt it was too much for him.. :scratchhead: come on really can anyone here believe that? I'll bet those girls don't get much choice if a condom is included or not so it was quite probable that HE put the condom on..

He hardly remembers but his instincts took over.. :rofl: I'm sorry but that... come on!! you can't swallow that can you??

And lastly he assures that his arse is clean by saying that he can't remember..:smthumbup: he must think your a soft touch. 

Never been to a call girl myself, but I'm pretty sure that a man cheats (not cheating ie an affair, just sex with another woman = different form of cheating) for sex and sex alone. You say that you have a good sex life at home though I doubt that you totally satisfy him in that regard.. otherwise why do it.. alcohol is not the answer I'm afraid.
He had the balls to own up to it upon his return home, why would he lie further as the damage is already done.

Why don't you say to him that you don't care if his story is straight or if he shagged that petite girl like a 10c show ground ride.. he may as well tell you the truth. At least then you could talk about what was better with her and maybe learn something that you can both enjoy together instead of him looking elsewhere. Hope it goes well for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

+Charlie+ said:


> Why don't you say to him that you don't care if his story is straight or if he shagged that petite girl like a 10c show ground ride.. he may as well tell you the truth. At least then you could talk about what was better with her and maybe learn something that you can both enjoy together instead of him looking elsewhere. Hope it goes well for you.


So Charlie, if your wife cheated on you, would you tell her that you wanted to know all about the sex she had with the other guy as you might learn something to improve your sex life?


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Thank you all for your advices.It was extremely helpful.Yesterday was one of the most productive conversations we had.I confronted him and asked him to tell me the details.He told me whatever he remembered.Actually the subject might be misleading.He did not hire a call girl.This group he went with took them to this nightlcub,where the girls were stripping and then one girl willfully lapped up with him.I did some reasrach on the net and found that Manila has a lot of girls who go to nightclub and hook up for pleasure with foreigners.Its not always in lieu of money.Its a culture.He told me all the details and said he did have sex as the girl was straddling him.But he is very remorseful.He said that he will never let himself get into such a situation ever.He has said that he would give me all access to all his activities including bank and credit card details.he also suggested having a GPS tracking device to track his mobile.He has promised me never to go on business trips ever again.He has cried over it and he looks visibly disturbed.He has also said that he has tremendous respect for me as i have given him another chance.He says he would never let me down ever again.I can see him visibly trying to make efforts.since a few days we have possibly had the most passionate and loving moments we have ever had over our course of 12-13 years.He has also been an extremely doting father,more so after this.The only problem is I cant stop my thoughts wandering away.Any advice?


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Charlie,I did ask him about that.He said he found me much more sexy and enjoyed it much more than he did that day.In fact he told me I give him much more that what he needs.What he is trying to tell me is that,in that situation he had lost his control which he admits he should have exercised.Thats exactly what he told me.


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## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

After all said, I think what is paramount is your happiness in marriage with the man who loves you (and the kids?). 

It will be convenient for me to tell you to kick him out and start a new life but that will make you more miserable. I know, that in certain circumstances, that mistake is unpardonable but yours is not one of those – not even close. 

You are really blessed because your husband is so honest and remorseful about his mistake. In many other cases, you'll have to find out yourself (if you can) and force out some gory confessions from him (again, if you can). And that will be many months/years later and with much cheating.

I think he has learnt his lessons – particularly about alcohol and the company he keeps
So, forgive him and receive back. I hope and pray your marriage grows stronger from this incident.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think it would be wise to forgive or forget AKA Rugsweep, until he has been completely honest. He knows what he did, and he chose to do it. 

How is he going to ensure it doesn't happen again? What steps is he taking to ensure his trustworthiness? 

He needs to be completely transparent too, because if not you will always doubt him.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Per your last postings have the STD test results came in if not you are putting yourself at risk?

Hysterical bonding is common but remember he had sex with someone who has sex on a regular basis with whoever. Yeah she may have a condom but that is not 100% and there is evidence of STD's being transferred by Oral.

Wake up this is an issue you need to address.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Yes u r right about the STD partI agree.STD testing appointment has been takenThats from a medical point of view.He is completely freaked out and is quite tensed on that bit.Hysterical bonding,yes maybe ,which comes as an aftermath.But I have a feeling that whatever he is saying is genuine,at least he is genuinely regretting.The only part is ,how to bestow my trust on him again?he has promised me every trasnparency.The only silver lining I see here,is this set of people he went out this time with is a completely new set of people whom he met for the first time and they are localised there.Rest whatever little trips he does is generally in teh vicinity,with all known people ,whose wives are also quite close to me.But whether he will ever do it again etc..will be completely upon his conscience.That I guess I will have to trust him but at the same time monitor into his actions regularly.What do you think?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am looking at this from a statistical and clinical POV. A ONS is typically the easiest form of cheating for a BS to forgive. More so then a full blown PA or EA. 

Navigating the R process is still difficult but also know that a ONS has the highest rate of success in R then any other type of affair.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

truetomaself said:


> Yes u r right about the STD partI agree.STD testing appointment has been takenThats from a medical point of view.He is completely freaked out and is quite tensed on that bit.Hysterical bonding,yes maybe ,which comes as an aftermath.But I have a feeling that whatever he is saying is genuine,at least he is genuinely regretting.The only part is ,how to bestow my trust on him again?he has promised me every trasnparency.The only silver lining I see here,is this set of people he went out this time with is a completely new set of people whom he met for the first time and they are localised there.Rest whatever little trips he does is generally in teh vicinity,with all known people ,whose wives are also quite close to me.But whether he will ever do it again etc..will be completely upon his conscience.That I guess I will have to trust him but at the same time monitor into his actions regularly.What do you think?



Keep in mind that being tested for STD's is not a one time deal. You both need to be tested a few months from your first test and then again about a year later. Some STD's do not show up right away.

Sorry to state this but I went through it and my doctor tested me a total of three times over a more then year period just to be sure.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So Charlie, if your wife cheated on you, would you tell her that you wanted to know all about the sex she had with the other guy as you might learn something to improve your sex life?


:sleeping: EleGirl... well if we had agreed to give the relationship another chance and she had cheated on me because the other guy did something with her that she needed but I didn't do.... then of course yes I'd want to know what it was so that I could learn and do it to her myself.... how else could I expect her not to cheat again.

Communication.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Thanks so much for this advice.Talking to you all is really really helping me cope with this.The only thing am finding it difficult is to keep my mind off it.Surprisingly when we are together and talking to each other we feel much more relaxed.But when away or idle,I am feeling extremely insecure. We are going to read the books as one of you suggested.And then lets see.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It typically takes months for you to be able to think straight again. Don't beat yourself up on this, and try to be patient. Fill y'all's lives with good, fun things, to replace the bad thoughts.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Well.... I wish you the best of luck, it's only your heart that can answer the question.

The girls in Manila aren't interested in just getting to know "wealthy" for the sake of it.. they want boyfriends or customers. It's common sense really, they're very poor and have no opportunities, why else come to sit on the lap of slightly fat, balding middle aged men??? 

I like that he says that you can have control of all of his finances.. and even a gps on the phone, but what's to stop him opening a secret account and getting a secret mobile phone??

The good feeling that your having at the moment is because you thought that you were going to lose eachother.. which is nice but will only be short lived.

Good luck.. it's a shame to brake up a lengthy marriage because of a quickie leg over...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, obviously, so that needs to be part of the agreement. 

I don't know of many cheaters who volunteer they had a ONS so he gets points for that. As to trust -- it can take years to regain. 

Deciding to R is the easy part. Living it is much harder. Just be prepared.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Despite the fact that we had an awful experience with therapy, I really would suggest that you seek marriage counseling.

It will give you some space and dedicated time to talk about the issue in a non threatening way. It also signals that you are both investing in the relationship.

Even if you don't go formally to a counselor, schedule some time and plan to talk it through. It helps.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

You don't "bestow" your trust upon him. He earns it back through his actions and not just his words. 

Charle is right in that the girls in Manila do this as an end to a means. They are looking for a way out and up from the poverty they live within, it is not just something that they do for fun (it is done with foreigners for a reason). The friends that took them to the club with them, had probable already paid their nightly fee (they are so very poor over there that the price of a few drinks is enough to cover their costs, so you will never know if it was truly free as he states. Some will take the money that was offered for the drinks and split it with the club owners and get half back, as half is better than nothing. when that poor.)

I also question how he couldn't remember if they had sex, about the condom, etc, yet now he is remembering her straddling him and they definitely had sex. Welcome to the trickle truthing as the details are slowly coming out. I hope you have gotten most of it, but I would bet not, as it sounds like he was just willing to whip it out in public and have at it right there in the club in front of everyone??? This is not something that "normally" happens and yet he went along with it without issue? Was it some sort of orgy or were the other guys not doing this as well, or just sitting there watching him get his. Things still don't add up. When did to happen and did he go out with this group anymore after that, as it may have not been a one time thing (too many times we see here where someone confesses to "it was only one time" to turn out to be at least 5 to 10 times that initial amount, my WW included so I speak from experience with the "I was drunk and made a mistake thing.")

I wish you the best in this. Remember it is not your fault and everything you are feeling and reacting about is normal. You have given him the gift of a second chance, and now it is his turn to earn things and not to just expect you to keep being the one to keep giving.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Rugs said:


> He remembers........


Exactly...There's a term "whiskey d!ck". It's when a guy has had so much to drink his equipment doesn't work well.

If he was SOOO drunk, black out not remembering drunk, he would have had a case of WD. 

He does remember but is ashamed to say it. He needs to though because by saying "I don't remember" it's a way of not facing your actions. You can't ever fully repair the cracks inside yourself if you're lieing to yourself (and others) about the problem.

PS I do think there's a CHANCE of repairing your marriage because your husband did the most important thing in my book when it comes to cheaters...he confessed immediately. Unfortunately, that's the only PROVABLE way a cheater can show they are remorseful. 

PSS you need to be prepared for a rush of negative emotions. Right now you're going to feel denial (I can't believe he did this) and a mix of fear and sadness because of the potential loss of your marriage. Once those emotions settle, anger, disappointment and resentment will follow. That's when the true test of if your marriage can survive will happen.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> PS I do think there's a CHANCE of repairing your marriage because your husband did the most important thing in my book when it comes to cheaters...he confessed immediately. Unfortunately, that's the only PROVABLE way a cheater can show they are remorseful.


Not necessarily remorse could just be regret.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Get tested for STDs if you had sex with him after this trip


Get tested anyway.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am gonna come at you from another angle---whether you like it or not---you HAD BETTER PAY ATTENTION TO IT

You never thot prior to this incident, your H would ever do something like this

It doesn't matter who he was with, where he went, how much he drank----HE WENT THRU STOP SIGN, AFTER STOP SIGN, ALL ON HIS OWN----AND THOT NOTHING OF FINISHING AN ACT OF SEX WITH A STRANGE WOMAN---------you need to stop making any
excuses for what happened/what was done/or anything else about the night----BOTTOM LINE HIS SEX TOOL IS NOW DIRTY

What I am taking from this is you are pretty much allowing him back with LITTLE OR NO ACCOUNTABILITY---he cries like a little child, he begs for forgiveness----and you have basically allowed him to resume his cushy existence as it was pre---infidelity

What have you done/are going to do----to make sure this never happens again

At this point in time, and for the immediate future----THERE SHOULD BE NO PHYSICAL CONTACT TWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, THERE SHOULD BE RULES LAID OUT AS BOUNDARIES, YOU SHOULD BE PRETTY MUCH DARK ON HIM FOR A WHILE----

These are things that need to be in place RIGHT NOW---so your cheating H, and he is a cheater, knows that YOU ARE DEADLY SERIOUS

If you do not come across as harsh and deadly serious---what he will take away from this---is that he was allowed to cheat with little or no consequences to himself, AND HE COULD PROBABLY GET AWAY WITH CHEATING AGAIN---IN THE RIGHT SITUATION


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

+Charlie+ said:


> :sleeping: EleGirl... well if we had agreed to give the relationship another chance and she had cheated on me because the other guy did something with her that she needed but I didn't do.... then of course yes I'd want to know what it was so that I could learn and do it to her myself.... how else could I expect her not to cheat again.
> 
> Communication.


Then you are a very rare man. It seems that for most of the men on TAM, if their wife did anything with the OM that they had not done with their husband that it's just one more reason to dump her.

Of course most men would not take back a wife who has cheated on him anyway. But apparently they still want to know all the details.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Are you sure he didn't tell you because he believed someone else would tell you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Are you sure he didn't tell you because he believed someone else would tell you?


This is a very high probability. Good point.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Yes that bit I am sure.because this was a completely new business trip,to a new place with a completely new set of people who are based out of Manila.There is no remote way I would have known.Also,as he said the other guys were also into it.And this was possibly prearranged.If he wanted to hide it ,it would have been peanuts.In fact he has released himself from this business account because he doesnt want to go anywhere on a business trip.That belief i have in him


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

He has completely come out clean with this.He told me had sex.He said he felt extremely embarrased to tell me this.he has given me all the details .My takeaway from this:lThis was a new situatiation for him.These girls were definitely prearranged by the local guys there(who later told him that its a very common thing there).Girls started stripping,giving fellation etc..where he got too much overwhelmed and couldnt control himself.I am not giving him points for this.he should have controlled himself and not let this happen.

Now what I feel is:The more I harp on this It would get difficlut for me.He has owned it up,promised me that he has learnt from this and he will never ever do this again.He is cancelling his business trip,trying to be a better husband,tryong to be a better father.When In office he is contstanly calling me.Knowing him for so many years,I know,he is not that shrewd a person,who can consistently lie and act for so many days and get away with it.As a married couple I have always been an emotional support for him too.
Let me for once,push away all the negative thoughts,and get along in life.Let me archive the past and not think about it.I told him that I believe him but cant trust him.and told him that its entirely his job to win it back..I will always be on my toes,keep an eye on him and I trust my hunch(sixth sense) and forgive this is a huge mistake for once.Next time it happens,I am strong enough to walk out on him.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

truetomaself said:


> Yes that bit I am sure.because this was a completely new business trip,to a new place with a completely new set of people who are based out of Manila.There is no remote way I would have known.Also,as he said the other guys were also into it.And this was possibly prearranged.If he wanted to hide it ,it would have been peanuts.In fact he has released himself from this business account because he doesnt want to go anywhere on a business trip.That belief i have in him


I wouldn't be so quick to write that off. It this was a business trip and it happened right out in the open, like it was described then this could very well come back to him at any time and he knows this so that is why he is telling. What kind of business partners would take their married colleague, and a brand new one tha they just met, out to a night of drinking and debauchery sex? These people are the type that would be relentless and unscrupulous in their business dealings and use such things (especially if it was prearranged, which I wonder why he is now stating that he thinks it might have been when before it was written off as a chance meeting in public with promiscuous random women, why the story change then?) to their advantage to get the business dealings that they want at any expense and cost to the business partner. He may in fact have told you as he is afraid of losing his job when they push the issues with his company??

Not trying to discredit your H but open your eyes to the fact that the story keeps changing and evolving (TT) as you question more. It might have been an every night thing when he was there and you'll never know (heck they might have gotten him drunk and taped it to blackmail him in the business venture, again you'll never know). It might not have even happened where he said it did, and you'll never know, but he told you so he feels better (and without consequences he'll feel even better each day as he came somewhat clean and has been absolved). 

I hope he is telling the truth for your sake, but he made the choices (drunk or not) and now he is ever so slightly changing/evolving the story as time passes and you are backing him through it all even though you don't know and will never be sure. I have been all over the world and the drink, drug, and sex trade is just as bad in most countries as it is in PI so ask yourself why now and not all of the other times?? Is he that easily swayed and the other business contacts were the only thing keeping him on the straight and narrow path in the past yet these unscrupulous partners were the reason or was it that he was just at that point in his life and marriage where he felt the urge and pursued it? Some things just seem a little off. I know you want to trust and believe him but you need to be mindful of these oddities as well. If the night started out with the girls there and he didn't feel uncomfortable about it, is this the norm for his business dealings? Does he maybe feel that a BJ isn't a violation of trust and the marriage and has gone that far before but the sex was crossing a line in him? Why didn't he bow out early if things were getting out of hand instead of remaining in a situation that he was losing control of? How is it that he had no issues, fears, or reservations with exposing himself in a public place and then proceeding to have sex in the open (especially having never been there before and not knowing the laws of the land as they relate to those things)? If it wasn't in the open then he again made a conscious decision to leave and go somewhere to have the sex (which deflates the I was drunk and unaware of what was happening defense)? 

Lots of questions to be answered here and not just give him the benefit of the doubt. He should be willing to answer them openly, freely, and repeatedly to see if the story changes over time when he can't remember the details he said before. Have him write it out and give you the details to see of he remembers them the same later. Just good for thought as I believe there is more here than you know (and as long as he believes you are satisfied with his answers then he will not divulge anything further). Let's just hope there isn't more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

truetomaself said:


> He has completely come out clean with this.He told me had sex.He said he felt extremely embarrased to tell me this.he has given me all the details .My takeaway from this:lThis was a new situatiation for him.These girls were definitely prearranged by the local guys there(who later told him that its a very common thing there).Girls started stripping,giving fellation etc..where he got too much overwhelmed and couldnt control himself.I am not giving him points for this.he should have controlled himself and not let this happen.
> 
> Now what I feel is:The more I harp on this It would get difficlut for me.He has owned it up,promised me that he has learnt from this and he will never ever do this again.He is cancelling his business trip,trying to be a better husband,tryong to be a better father.When In office he is contstanly calling me.Knowing him for so many years,I know,he is not that shrewd a person,who can consistently lie and act for so many days and get away with it.As a married couple I have always been an emotional support for him too.
> Let me for once,push away all the negative thoughts,and get along in life.Let me archive the past and not think about it.I told him that I believe him but cant trust him.and told him that its entirely his job to win it back..I will always be on my toes,keep an eye on him and I trust my hunch(sixth sense) and forgive this is a huge mistake for once.Next time it happens,I am strong enough to walk out on him.


This is a good attitude. Let me ponder a question. You are willing to forgive now as he is coming clean. What if he starts adding instances from the past and it is more than once? Will you give him a pass this time for everything and try to work through it as he is coming clean or will more than once instance be the breaking point? I ask this as this is where I am with my WW. I found out about her A and she swore it was a one time thing. I tried to move on and get past it while working things out with her. Then I found that she was hiding others in the past, yes a serial cheater. I am now thinking that all is lost, as we though she was willing to disclose the first, and has eventually owned the others when presented with the proof, she thinks it is all in the past and can be worked through.

I like you trusted and knew her like no one else only to find that I believe she is truly messed up inside and may never be fixable?? She never in all of our years of marriage and several years of dating acted like this, but now I feel that I don't even know the person I am looking at. I fear that may be the case with your H? As my WW only came clean when she thought there was possibly someone that would spill all the beans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TTTMS, sorry that you are here. I thought that I would chime in with my observations having been on many of these "trips" myself. My observations may not be what you want to hear but they come from someone who has kind of been there:


Everything I am about to say does not preclude your husband from loving you - I am sure that he does, very much.

No matter how drunk he was, he knew exactly what he was doing. In fact, I would go so far as to say he probably knew what was going to happen that evening even before they got there.

In his defence, he probably was nervous about it and given a choice would not have opted to go through with it. The main reason for this is if your husband wanted to cheat there would have been plenty of opportunity to do this in the privacy of his hotel room - no matter what people say, guys generally do not like having sex in front of colleagues and friends.

When the time came, I would have guessed that he probably had a lot to drink to enable him to go through with it (almost like a rite of passage if this was his first time).

I do not think he was particularly attracted to any of the girls there - no matter how beautiful they may appear, there is nothing attractive about them. I am one of the odd few who did not go through with it and found them repulsive.

He almost certainly felt guilty as hell about it when he got back to his hotel room.

Him telling you was more to do with helping him with his guilt than anything else.

Him telling you that he did not remember was his way of reducing the impact on you and not hurting you "as much".

Now the thing to beware is this: *having done it one time, it is very easy for him to do it again and again during his travels and keep/compartmentalise it from you (no matter how much he has apologised) - I have seen this first hand. * 

This is where you need to really come down hard on him if you plan to stay together. Get every detail about what he is doing, where he will be "entertained" and ask him to call you regularly no matter how late the time in either country. Clamp down on it and get him into the habit of declining this sort of behaviour and finding more interesting things to do like (in my case) asking where I could go shopping at that time of the night to buy stuff for my wife and kids etc. 

He is generally a good egg that can go bad and you need to tighten up your grip on this situation or else let him go completely. Trust but verify all the time until it becomes routine and second nature for him to (a) not cheat; and (b) report in all the time and regularly.

Take care and I hope that was more helpful than destructive.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

you are right.The promiscous random women,part I had researched on the net,he never told me. But one thing I know he gets tipsy very easily.While when going to the nightclub he had called me and told me that he is going to a nightclub and at that point of time I remember he was quite slurry.I knew he had drunk a little too much,.He admits that he got out of control.He has compromised on his morals and values and I can only hope he has learnt his lesson.If i look at everything with a question mark I cant get on with life,can I?Do I have any other choice?or else I will end up asking myself numerous questions which would never be answered.This will increase the bitterness.He has grown up in a very conservative family and actually has never been exposed to such openness earlier.All said and done if he makes an consicous effort of not letting anything like this happen( which he is constantly telling me).The only thing which has made me give him a chance is he has come up to me and owned it up.Maybe the details has come a little late.But he did confess when he had a way out,right?So for once let me go ahead with this.I knwo him since we were 24-25.he was always a very unsocial person who couldnt communicate his feelings very well.Now we are communicating a lot,talking to each other and trying to address this together.Lets hope for the best.See I have no choice but to believe him now.Whether I can trust him again?well,only time will tell.I have to look ahead right?


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

manfromlamancha..your advice came like a breath of fresh air to me.I completely agree with you.I am on my guards now.he is himself constantly calling me whenver he is.He has declined to go anywhere in business trips .He is supposed to go for a conference for a day,next week,he has himself asked me and the kids to accompany him.Also,today I asked him,that what if this was an addiction for you?His answer was it can be an addiction when it is a great experience and for him he says it is an episode he just wants to wipe out of his mind completely.He would never even want it again.Knowing him from so many years,the one thing i am sure is he never liked these kind of women lookswise.(with no offence to anyone pls).We had been good freinds before marriage and we used to hang out in groups of friends also.All said and done,your analysis seems bang on.In fact I was wondering whether I can recommend a book to him to increase his willpower(that is a seriosu area he needs to work on).Even in family crisis,I am the one who holds things through,he gets completely broken and depends on me emotionally.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

fsjzhen...I have taken my decision.I have given him a second chance and now life will move forward.If you read my earlier posts you would know my stand now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H travels a lot to the East. He said in Thailand, women bring their 11-12 year old daughters up to him and offer to sell the girls to him for 'boom boom.' It's just the way things are over there.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

truetomaself said:


> fsjzhen...I have taken my decision.I have given him a second chance and now life will move forward.If you read my earlier posts you would know my stand now.


I hope that my posts don't offend, as that was not the nature of them, jus that you need to be vigilant and set boundaries and consequences. You have made your decision, and that is great, but don't sacrifice everything and just rug sweep the situation because you feel that he is being truthful and open with you. 

I have found it with my WW and noticed it in other scenarios on TAM that everything forever changes and the WS will minimize their efforts and pain/ suffering as much as possible. I would recommend counseling if for nothing more than to deal with the issues for your own healing and to insure that when you move on, 1) it is truly something that is done and over and learned from (and not just a broken boundary that can easily be crossed again in the future), 2) you have healed properly so years down the road it doesn't come back with a vengeance (as has been the case with several on here that are 20 years out and still struggling to move on as they rug swept everything), 3) that he realizes that he needs to be doing the heavy lifting and not just expect that things will go back to being the same, as they never will, everything is forever changed within the dynamic of your relationship.

He needs to realize that he needs to earn back your respect and trust (even if it is at the cost of his personal needs) and can't be mad when you are upset by things and unwilling to just extend the olive branch as you so easily did in the past. You are good to give him a second chance, but don't be so quick to defend him on everything (as I see lots of that in your posts), as he is not the saint and angel that you once thought him to be and you perceptions of him are in the end really only what he wants you to see and know (and sometimes this may be completely different than the true him that others know).


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Squeakr..Thank you.No of course it does not offend me.All you are telling me is what you feel,and its so much appreciated.Yes,you are so so right.Look I am quite a strong personality and people and am a person who has always been a shoulder to cry on/emotional support for my husband,in-laws,sister and even parents.I am also quite firm in my dealings.The message is loud and clear to him.Noone knows that better than him.I said i believe him,but dont trust him anymore.So whatever compromises he has to make on that,he has promised me that he will.I may sound defensive,true,but that maybe out of the tremendous love for him.However,I am henceforth going to be very very vigilant and police on him(I have told him that).I have put down conditions and he has agreed to it.The day he digresses I will have to think twice.But much as I know him,he will try his best,whether he succeeds or falters,time will tell.I will always hope for the best.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Being the strong person also has a shadow side: Not wanting to rely on others, thinking you can handle it all on your own, etc. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. This is a very difficult thing to go through, especially if your personality leads to thinking you won't need help. Stay strong.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Right you are.But its not about relying on others.Of course I do want to rely .I am also a human being.But ultimately I have to fight my own battle.The fact that I need to speak to someone is the very reason I am here today(TAM).The problem is I cant speak about this to anyone known.My parents or in-laws wouldnt be able to take this mentally.They are very old and ailing.I dont want to to tarsnish H's reputation also.As I am giving him the benefit of doubt.What I am considering is Counselling.Think will go ahead with it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: need some serious advice:my husband went to a call girl*



truetomaself said:


> Right you are.But its not about relying on others.Of course I do want to rely .I am also a human being.But ultimately I have to fight my own battle.The fact that I need to speak to someone is the very reason I am here today(TAM).The problem is I cant speak about this to anyone known.My parents or in-laws wouldnt be able to take this mentally.They are very old and ailing.I dont want to to tarsnish H's reputation also.As I am giving him the benefit of doubt.What I am considering is Counselling.Think will go ahead with it.


That would be beneficial for you and I am glad you are going through with it. Everyone needs someone in which to confide.


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## worriedgirl789 (May 21, 2014)

If you choose to forgive him and move on with the marriage, that is your decision.

However, I would not have sex with your husband for at least 6 months if I were you.

HIV can take up to (and sometimes more than) 6 months to show up in blood tests.

I don't know what country you live in, but in the US most STD screenings don't check for an HSV infection (ie herpes). Make sure his STD test includes a type specific HSV test to check for type 1 and 2. HSV antibodies can take up to 4 months from the time you contracted it to show up in the blood. If he tests positive for type 1, that may not mean he has genital herpes. That could mean that he has had cold sores in his mouth at some point in his life. But you still want to know.

Keep yourself safe until you know for sure that he did not contract anything. I would say this to anyone whose partner had a sexual affair.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What if he gave the girl contact info? 

Sorry. If a new set of people can lead him that far astray straight off the bat, seems to me he was more than willing to check out the other side of life. Why is that?

You do realize that there are thousands of guys who would never have started down that road in first place, right? 

Is this a porn fantasy he acted out?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm coming in way late and didn't bother to read the posts. But my $0.02...

It's total bs he doesn't remember her. He is trying to get out of this as easily as possible. Or maybe he's trying to spare your feelings. Either way, he's lying. And that is concerning.

Another thought is that being drunk is no excuse whatsoever. Period. He screwed her because he wanted to, pure and simple. So another lie.

So when do the lies end? And how many more are there?

It seems to me you have two options...

1) Just live with the lies. Realize this is who he is and cope the best you can until you can't anymore.

2) Ask him to leave gor 30 or 60 days. And during that time apart you want him to really think about his lies and whether or not either of you want to truly continue the marriage. 

Take some time alone and gather your thoughts. If he will not be more honest, then maybe this is the end of the line.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

His understanding of addiction shows his ignorance. I don't believe there is a single addict who doesn't in some way loathe some of their experiences. That's part of addiction. It hurts but you do it again.

And ****, your husband came. I bet that hurt so much that... He didn't want it to end.

His lack of attraction to a particular type of woman is also meaningless. He was attracted to SEX. He wanted sex. He had sex.

He told you for a reason and that reason was to protect himself from something you aren't aware of.

Have him take a polygraph. A good technician will provide good results but more than that, his willingness to take the exam will tell you plenty. And do not let him off the hook if he divulges some new revelations at the threat of the test. Don't for a minute believe you have it all. That is a ruse to get you to cancel the test. And you will want to cancel it because of the money it costs, your desire to believe him, and all of the doubt you have about knowing the entire truth.

Your husband isn't the victim of some nefarious set of circumstances. So what he was in a country where some women throw sex at men. So what if his new colleagues wanted to go to s place a married man should not go. So what if he was offered alcohol!

He chose each and every action. 

He chose to dance with the devil. 

He danced with the devil.

And then he ducked the devil.

Nobody and nothing made that occur except for him.

Honestly, I think you are a fool for staying with him.

Is he ready to leave his job? Do you think you and the kids can accompany him everywhere so that he doesn't do this again? Do you want to be his mommy? His conscience? His good freaking common sense?

You do realize that you have a lifetime of distrust ahead of you, right?


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

See,If I am ever in a situation to take a polygraph test on my partner,Id rather move away.Your points are valid ,definitely.But the only thing Id disagree here,was he just had no reason to come up and confess to me.There was no way I could have found out from anyone.And I know must people would rather hide this from their spouses.I have seen people build their marriages successfully even after years of EA.So I think it doesnt hurt being positive once.Let me give it a try.I have two children to think about.Apart from this one stray incident(a grievous one,though) he has been extremely responsible as a husband and most importantly very very close to the sons.I cant take away their father like this,can I?On hindsight,hwhat more details would I need?.Net net he did have sex right?See,life has to go on.So I have given it another go.positive energy is the key to living.I am forgiving not forgetting,I am believing not trusting,I am normalising life but I have a clamp on him....This is his first and last chance.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Everyone is right. Don't have sex with him (again) until his test come back. That's just wrong you'd be willing to accept any STD he might of caught especially since he "doesn't remember" if he used protection or not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to give him a chance, then that's your choice. 

He's a very lucky man. I hope realizes this and never again cheats at any level.

Just make sure that you know what your boundaries are so that you know if things are moving in a healthy direction.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I have been in a somewhat similar situation to yours 3 years ago.

Aside from the STD testing, lack of trust, lack of respect to you and all the rest, these are the issues I believe you will face in the long run as I am doing now.

1. He will never be the same man you thought you married, in your mind. (Not really).

2. The whole dynamic of your marriage will change (in your mind), even if it seems fine on the outside.

3. You will never get over the disrespect he caused you (even if you try to push it away and try to minimize it).

4. Worst of all, you can never really trust him again and you lose respect for yourself for staying with someone that causes you pain.

Even though life goes on just fine, this will never go away as it is severe damage to your soul.

I am still being able to cope with it for my kids and financial reasons, but I don't think it will be forever because I deserve better.

We all do.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Hey all.Thanks so much for all your viewpoints.It does feel strange that so many of us,unknown to each other are probably making that one little difference to each other's lives.It's comforting.As I said,I feel,life has thrown me a challenge on my face and I have accepted it.I am trying to move on in life.Of course,getting some Professional counselling is definitely on my cards.I am on my guards always.But our relationship is slowly settling down.We both know that its not what it looks like.But I have a strong sense of confidence on myself now and he seems to be much more respectful towards me .I so wish that everybody in this forum,along with me,gets back that life,we all so cherished.Lets hope for the best for all of us.cheers


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Settling down...are you spending 15 hours a week with each other? Are you reading HNHN together? Are you taking the LB/EN questionnaires? Don't settle down. That's how you got where you are.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

Ya we are spending a lot of time with each other.We are thinking marriage counselling.But I have gone into the marriagebuilders website.Is everything available online?I am quite new to this.So any advice would really help


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: need some serious advice:my husband went to a call girl*



turnera said:


> Settling down...are you spending 15 hours a week with each other? Are you reading HNHN together? Are you taking the LB/EN questionnaires? Don't settle down. That's how you got where you are.


This. When we get "comfortable", complacency often follows. My wife and I are struggling mightily, albeit for different reasons, but ultimately complacency on both of our parts was what allowed us to regress so far from happiness. I have promised my wife that no matter what happens I will not allow us to get comfortable again, for that very reason.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

truetomaself said:


> Ya we are spending a lot of time with each other.We are thinking marriage counselling.But I have gone into the marriagebuilders website.Is everything available online?I am quite new to this.So any advice would really help


Love Busters Questionnaire

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Marital Problem Analysis

Five Steps to Romantic Love


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

farsidejunky..yes ,right u are.The reason for all this is the fact that we started taking each other for granted.Agreed.Comfortable we aren't. We are enjoying each others company more now.we are longing to be with each other and talk,like we were first dating.Hysterical bonding,true!!!.Frankly speaking I wouldnt like to be one of them snooping-around spouses.I want to rebuild the trust,with a signal that I am not naive enough to be tricked again.I am always on a verify mode.But I am not confident on how to cease from being comfortable/complacent?can you share some idea on how to work on that bit?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: need some serious advice:my husband went to a call girl*



truetomaself said:


> farsidejunky..yes ,right u are.The reason for all this is the fact that we started taking each other for granted.Agreed.Comfortable we aren't. We are enjoying each others company more now.we are longing to be with each other and talk,like we were first dating.Hysterical bonding,true!!!.Frankly speaking I wouldnt like to be one of them snooping-around spouses.I want to rebuild the trust,with a signal that I am not naive enough to be tricked again.I am always on a verify mode.But I am not confident on how to cease from being comfortable/complacent?can you share some idea on how to work on that bit?


I am far from an expert as the beginning of our turnaround started six months ago and is great some days while not - so - great on others. Basically the way I see it is comfort is like being on cruise control; the vehicle is setting the pace while I am exerting minimal effort to steer the vehicle. 

My plan is to set the goals for our family (with her input), then reevaluate those goals monthly (or more frequently) to make sure we are on track. I also am setting aside and enforcing both dedicated family time and dedicated time for us as a couple. I am pushing myself to find new and interesting things for us to do in that dedicated time. My wife over values comfort and would be a complete homebody if I did not set this pace, but she loves it when I do plan and conduct these excursions. Basically, I am going to show her through actions that her and our small family is a priority over everything else, and not just pay it lip service. Additionally, I am getting better at enforcing boundaries to reestablish the common respect level in our home, but still need work in that area. I intend to continually seek self improvement and avoid escape type behaviors (alcohol, video games, FB, etc.). While my wife over values these activities, I will urge her to limit that time and encourage more "us" time in the evening. I will also have to remind myself that while I have a sort of endless energy and high level of intensity, my wife does not. This will require that I try to balance my expectations with reality. 

In a nutshell, I am going to live the fullest, richest, most interesting life I can and I will give her and B8 the opportunity to live it fully with me. And should she become complacent again, I will destabilize the relationship to get her focused.

It will not come easy, and I am sure I will wrestle with comfort. However, I have put a reminder on my shaving mirror that says "comfort = complacency". 

I hope this answers your question.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Taking one another for granted=prostitute?

Insane.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

TTMS, thinking of you as you go through this.

A couple of suggestions.

First, you will have doubts and questions. That's normal. Work through it, don't hide it or suppress it. If you don't deal with that stuff it just gets worse and worse in your head. 

Second, don't be ashamed for a little bit of checking up on your husband (i.e. snooping). You need to satisfy yourself that things are ok. I get why you see it as distasteful, so do i, but I think a certain amount of it is less distasteful than the alternative.

My feeling is that if he told you unbidden, its a good sign. Yes people around here have some horror stories, but that's life, you never know the future. You're a long way ahead of someone who learned because they got a phone call from a friend (me), a package in the mail, stumbling across incriminating evidence by accident, or whatever.

Finally, work on yourself. Be strong enjoy the relationship, but always be in a position where you can deal with losing it if you have to. 

Good luck, and don't be afraid to come here if you need to vent. It hurts, and sometimes you just need to let it out.


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## truetomaself (May 19, 2014)

hi guys!!!!i am back after sometime.well,I am trying to reconcile on our marriage with all my might.H is also putting in 100 pc effort.we are also talking a lot.He has also got himself tested for HIV,STD and has come out negative.He has cancelled quite a few business trips.I have access to all his perSonal Ids,mails,Bank etc etc.He makes if a point to call me every 2-3 hours.He says he wants to forget this episode just like a bad dream.We have also gone thru HNHN &EN questionnaires,
apparently,life is going on as a normal happy family would.But then there are those moments of insecurity,I face.My thoughts start wandering.if he looks at a girl,i feel jealous.If i watch a movie which has a ONS scene or a callgirl scene I react.my tempers fly without any rhyme or reason.at times I also refer to the incident without any pertinent reasons.these are simply unjustified behaviour on my part.I feel quite ashamed at times.Tell me,should I go ahead with MC?But have heard quite a few negative feedback on MC.In fact,I have also heard that some cases became worse after MC.Am so divided on this one.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Great news!

Marriage guidance can help a great deal, but make sure you "interview" the counselor first.

They should be anti rug sweeping, prepared to be straight about getting the truth and have dealt with infidelity before.

I would try IC for yourself first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, DO NOT APOLOGIZE to him for still having doubts, for questioning him, or for feeling upset. It usually takes 2 or 3 YEARS for the betrayed spouse to 'get over' it, to not trigger every other day, to be able to really move forward. So whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in the position of feeling sorry for him if YOU are still struggling. That is dangerous to your relationship.

Second, if you feel jealous, while understandable, a LOT of that has to do with YOU, not him. Are you in therapy, working on your own self esteem? You need to be. A person who loves herself will not retreat into insecurity and jealousy when the man inevitably looks at other women (men are very visual creatures).

Third, however, given what he's put you through, it is on HIM to stop looking at other women, at this point. It's insensitive and rude. Point that out to him.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I truly understand what you are feeling. From what you have stated, I really believe that your husband knows that he has made the biggest mistake of his life by having sex with another woman. The fact that he told you immediately and his actions of remorse prove to me that you are the most important woman in his life.

Although alcohol played a huge part in this, and it is not an excuse, people do really stupid things when intoxicated. My gut feeling is that he will never make this kind of mistake again. Reconciliation is really, really hard work and believe me, the roller coaster ride has just begun for you as there will be many, many days of highs and lows. I believe you and your husband will survive this but please remember it is not going to be easy. The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time, and when it gets really tough, breathe, just breathe.

Wishing you the best of luck!


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

truetomaself said:


> Thanks so much for this advice.Talking to you all is really really helping me cope with this.The only thing am finding it difficult is to keep my mind off it.Surprisingly when we are together and talking to each other we feel much more relaxed.But when away or idle,I am feeling extremely insecure. We are going to read the books as one of you suggested.And then lets see.


Please know that these are normal feelings that you are having and will lessen over time.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Its part of the game. I served in the US Navy and I can tell you exactly how this goes.

You come in and you are sat down with your friends. The mamasan walks by and asks you what you would like to drink. She keeps checking on you and brings new drinks as soon as yours hit 1/4. At about 3 drinks, they bring the girls out. They have numbers pinned to their bras. They start dancing. Then the mamasan talks to each guy and asks him what girl he likes. She comes down and has a drink with you. The drinks are where they make their money- they are obscenely expensive and they pressure you for a tip. The drinks the girls "want" are essentially watered down and they drink them fast. Meanwhile you are 6 drinks.. 9 drinks.. 11 drinks behind. They expect you to tip more, and the woman starts grinding on you, etc.

Eventually when you are pretty drunk, the girl either tries to **** you or the mamasan tries to extort more money by having you pay for it.

It works too. Only myself and 1 other guy of the 7 guys I was with turned down the sex. 

Consider: 7 guys. Most had about 10 drinks (I had 4). So say 5x10= 50 drinks at about 4 dollars a pop- 200 dollars. Add tips, which everyone did about 2 bucks---> + another 100. 300 dollars in about 2 hours, and thats not even counting the guys who paid for sex. 5 of 7 guys paid about 2100 baht for sex, where 30 baht equals 1 dollar. Thats 5 guys x 70 dollars = 350 dollars. 650 dollars in about 2-2.5 hours. This is in thailand where 650 dollars is a lot of money! Oh, and I havent even added up the womens drinks, so add another 300...

And this was only one group of guys amongst many...

I know because as soon as the mamasan brought the womans drink I picked, I took my straw and tasted it- practically water. I know because I sat there counting how much was being spent.

I say there is about a 50% chance your husband is too ashamed to admit he actually paid for the sex while he was drunk.

Call girls in the Phillipines and Thailand make a living of conning westeners. You had better not touch him for at least 3-6 months so he can be properly tested for HIV. 2 of the guys I was with later bragged they paid extra so they could have sex without a condom. What if your husbands condom broke??

I dont understand the allure. Even if I had wanted to, it would be impossible for me to have an erection with women so positively dirty. I have no issue with a woman's sexual past, but prostitution is a different story.

Sorry you had this unfortunate event, and good luck...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When my husband went to Thailand, he was followed all the time by women and their 10- to 12-year-old daughters - even into places like McDonalds - and the women constantly came up to him asking him if he wanted their daughters for 'boom boom.'

His good friend lives there, has been through many women - he'll let her live with him until she's about 18, then he kicks her out and picks out another one. It's just what women do there. They consider a guy like our friend good fortune, cos they get to live the good life for a few years and make (for them) obscene amounts of money they get to give their family or save up.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Thing is these guys put themselves in that place.

It isn't the women of the madams.

They walked in on their own free will. Why is that? It wasn't for the expensive booze.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> No, it is not different for some men, sex is related to love, as it is not different for some women.
> 
> There are many posts on this site of individuals, men and women, who were going to have a RA but could not complete it because it was not about love it would just be the sex act.
> 
> ...


I have to totally disagree with this as a lot of men can have sex with a woman without any meaning at all, thats how we are wired. The thing is to resist it.


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