# Can we prevent FOO issues?



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

This is a new thread that I hope will help me and others with similar questions. My original thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/72013-emotional-roller-coaster.html, and my post divorce and current thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/111529-chronicles-good-guy.html Those are long reads but to get the bare minimum I would check out the beginning of the first thread and maybe the last few pages of the second.

On to my thoughts/questions:
Many things we read speak of the "broken" wayward. Character issues (influenced by a number of things including FOO - Family Of Origin - problems) are a large part of this. Lots of stories about children growing up with "broken" parent(s), abusive parents, neglectful parents, parents who abandoned them, etc etc. In my situation I didn't choose this for me and my daughter, yet it is what it is. I do the best I can but I can't help but be scared that my own D9 will have her own FOO issues to deal with in the future; that her character is being permanently formed and influenced negatively through this ordeal and the cycle will repeat itself as we see over and over. 

I'm not excusing my ExW behavior, but I can now see how her upbringing (her parents were druggies and she was raised by her bio-grandparents as their child) helped form and shape her character. Her grandparents, an extra generation distant from her, were good old fashioned people with no knowledge of how to raise a child through the 80s to late 90s. They fixed everything for her and she did not learn how to cope with consequences for her actions. When I came along, I think something deep down inside of me saw an opportunity to afford someone a hand up; IE: a way to break the cycle. But the cycle did not break. And she's even more messed up today than I ever thought possible when I met her at 23. 

Is there a technique, other than to continue showing my daughter a good example of living, even without a mother figure, to get in front of these all important FOO issues and build strong character?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There are things you can do to help.
Continue to be a strong, loving father.
Listen to her.
Be affectionate towards her.
Teach her healthy boundaries and help her through issues that come up in her life.
I know that people always say not to be your child's friend, but to be a parent. I don't agree. I think a good parent is a child's best friend. Children need a strong, loving parent they care share their heart with and not be afraid. I have three children 15-21. I have made a lot of mistakes, some of them major, but one thing I have done that helps to overcome my shortcomings as a parent is to always be open to my faults, willing to apologize, and to talk through their feelings with them. My kids come to me with their deepest thoughts and needs, because they know that I will do my best to help them and they can always count on me. Yes, they know that if they don't finish their school work they are not going anywhere or that they have to do their chores, etc., but they also know that I have their best interests at heart and will be there for them through thick and thin. 
We have worked through all sorts of things together. They know that I am not perfect and sometimes have royally messed up, but they also know that I will do anything to make right a wrong and that I totally have their backs. My relationship with each of my kids is unique, as they are individuals, but we are all very close. They come to me first when they need a friend, because I have worked hard to establish that relationship.
We talk about the issues we have in our family and how to work through them. We talk about how some of the dumb stuff their dad and I have done has negatively impacted them and what we have learned so we don't do that again and we can all heal and move on. 
I think this helps kids grow into healthy adults. My two oldest are young women now. They are way healthier and balanced than I was at their age. They are a lot more mature and settled in themselves. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to be mother to them. They are wonderful young women who know it's okay to talk about what's going on and not let it all simmer into a boil before it comes out in some irrational manner. This is because they have been given the opportunity to really talk about what they are feeling and for us to be real with them as parents. My son is still short of adulthood, but he is doing well in growing and learning as well. I am happy to see him learning healthy boundaries and how they are impacting his relationships in a positive way. When he reaches adulthood, he should be strong and stable as well.
We never claim to be perfect and let them know we are learning and growing as we go.
There is no perfect life. There are no perfect parents. But when we truly love our children and seek their well-being, and are humble enough to admit our shortcoming and discuss how they impact our kids and what we are doing to make things better, that goes a long way to raising a healthy adult.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks C. I do think we can't deal in absolutes. There is an appropriate middle ground between being their parent and their best friend, which it looks like you're doing. Can I ask if you're raising your kids by yourself or if their dad is still around and in their lives? Or do they have also have a good male role model in their lives?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

FOO often means that we are victims of victims. I don't hate my parents for the bizarre stuff they, primarily father, did to me. My mother had two sisters who died in childhood of diphtheria. It almost killed my mother. They only had enough anti toxin for one child. My mother was the most ill of the three, so they treated her and the two sisters where buried in the church yard by the time my mother was able to get out of bed. One of her half brothers died during the invasion of Normandy. So, it was tough.

FOO problems require therapy as early as possible. For some though work or hobby are the cure.

TheGoodGuy,

I am lonely middle age guy with two teenage daughters. I don't want to pass my FOO problems on to them. But I suppose some of will be expressed. History. We all have history.

You are an IT guy. You solve problems. People come to you desperate and you restore their systems. You are a responsible person. You held your ex together and did not even know that you were doing it.

How will this affect your daughter? Will she look for men who are insurance against self destructive impulses? She may also react by being extremely cautious and not surrender her autonomy in relationships. Every individual deals with FOO in their own way, even if certain patterns are discernible.

You were dating a woman who wanted to build a family with you. You turned her down. Perhaps you did not love her enough to take that risk. Maybe you are risk averse. Or could it be that you calculate that you don't have any resources left for a new child.

Do you think your daughter wishes you were able to meet someone new? She had great hopes for your ex's husband. Completely unrealistic but what could she know of just how bad things are for mom?

Where is Bullwinkle when we need a laugh?


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> FOO problems require therapy as early as possible. For some though work or hobby are the cure.


She's now going weekly at her counselors request but seems to be enjoying it and doing well with it.



LongWalk said:


> I don't want to pass my FOO problems on to them. But I suppose some of will be expressed. History. We all have history.


True. I just hope my daughter will see it as just that, history, and not as a path that's been set before her that she must walk and repeat.



LongWalk said:


> You were dating a woman who wanted to build a family with you. You turned her down. Perhaps you did not love her enough to take that risk. Maybe you are risk averse. Or could it be that you calculate that you don't have any resources left for a new child.


We weren't quite to the point of love and wanting to build families together, but we did get to the point of having that conversation to see if we were even headed in the same direction in life. We were not. She wants 4 bio kids of her own - that's fine, I'm just not the guy to give them to her. I am, in general, risk averse; that's an astute observation sir. 
I'm also exhausted. I've been raising kids for 14 years, I lost my firstborn son, and now essentially my stepson that I raised for years has made his own choices and cannot talk with me or my daughter for a long time. I'm exhausted from having dealt with two wives who up and left me/us. I am not looking to bring more new children into this situation/life I'm currently in. If I find someone with one or two that are around my daughter's age, I'm more than willing to blend a family that way - with the right person of course. I'm not trying to complain, just playing the cards I've been dealt. 



LongWalk said:


> Do you think your daughter wishes you were able to meet someone new? She had great hopes for your ex's husband. Completely unrealistic but what could she know of just how bad things are for mom?


I think she yearns to be part of a family, yes. Although once when I joked about a celebrity being my girlfriend, she sternly told me that that person would NOT replace her momma. I reassured her that her mom would always be her mom no matter what choices she had made and that any actual girlfriend I have in the future is not a replacement for her mom. Although she will be a replacement for my ex! :smthumbup:



LongWalk said:


> Where is Bullwinkle when we need a laugh?


No kidding.. Even if his own story was mostly a fabrication, he participated in my threads, GPs, and others and always brought some humor and levity with him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Thanks C. I do think we can't deal in absolutes. There is an appropriate middle ground between being their parent and their best friend, which it looks like you're doing. Can I ask if you're raising your kids by yourself or if their dad is still around and in their lives? Or do they have also have a good male role model in their lives?


No, I am not raising my kids alone. My husband and I have been together over 30 years. He is a very involved father.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

TheGoodGuy said:


> This is a new thread that I hope will help me and others with similar questions. My original thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/72013-emotional-roller-coaster.html, and my post divorce and current thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/111529-chronicles-good-guy.html Those are long reads but to get the bare minimum I would check out the beginning of the first thread and maybe the last few pages of the second.
> 
> On to my thoughts/questions:
> Many things we read speak of the "broken" wayward. Character issues (influenced by a number of things including FOO - Family Of Origin - problems) are a large part of this. Lots of stories about children growing up with "broken" parent(s), abusive parents, neglectful parents, parents who abandoned them, etc etc. In my situation I didn't choose this for me and my daughter, yet it is what it is. I do the best I can but I can't help but be scared that my own D9 will have her own FOO issues to deal with in the future; that her character is being permanently formed and influenced negatively through this ordeal and the cycle will repeat itself as we see over and over.
> ...


We are shaped by our experiences, and the things we see/hear/learn from those immediately around us.

For your daughter, that means YOU.

No, she is not destined to a life of dysfunction, unless that is what you teach her. And I highly doubt you will teach her that because it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. 

Be her father AND her mother. Ensure she has good female role-models in her life. Teach her good values, let her learn enough about consequences in life that she becomes responsible...and be protective enough that she knows you've always got her back.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You shouldn't use an unusual abbreviation in your story title!

No one knows what it measn unless they read the whole story!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Howdy GG,

Without going into great detail, I refer you to my signature line below. In my book, it is the Roux to the Five Mother Sauces of Raising a child:


Love,
Courage,
Determination,
Wisdom, and 
Freedom.
I place this phrase where I am reminded of it on a daily basis – such as here in my signature line. I don’t perfectly abide by it but I’ve found it to be a good edict to aspire to.


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