# Husband placed an ad..now what?



## blueheart (Aug 4, 2010)

Hi there, I have been struggling with this situation, and am looking for someone who has been here, is here, or who has some insight. I confirmed that my H has a current ad on a general site. One issue is the way in which I was able to confirm this, is that I happen to know his pw, and went into his emails and found suspicious emails. I then confirmed this by responding to his ad, with a ficticious person. (And yes, I am aware that by "sneaking" into his emails, was not right but I just had a feeling). The other part to this is, (and I am nervous to announce this), his add is directed towards engaging in new oral experiences with another guy. I can also confirm that he has emailed back and forth to someone but I do not know if it has gone any further than that. Our marriage and sex life has not changed, (other than from the honeymoon period), and in fact is rather amazing, as we are a blended family raising 5 children, working f/t and still find our fabulous time together. I was surprised to see how many married men are looking to have similar discreet experiences, why is this? Is this considered cheating? I am unable to confront him, due to how this was found out, so until the time comes (as I do believe that secrets don't always remain secrets), that something spills, how do I possibly look at him w/o knowing what is going on, until that time? Trust, will it be the same? And if he responds to my ficticous email, I was planning on turning the tables around and letting him know, that in fact, I am a wife who happened to find out what her husband is up to and give him a piece of my mind (which would make me feel somewhat better), or should I just not respond at all? I am just rather confused by the entire situation...especially if he understands what could possibly happen if/when this secret is known. 
Thanks....BH


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Being bi-curious is no reason to cheat. 

Confess to your husband what you have done and have a good heart to heart, obviously when the kids are far away. He may or may not have cheated at this point, although his ads and emailing are crossing the line very quickly.

As he is looking for male on male action, he may feel deep shame, embarrassment or a whole set of other issues, so tread lightly. 

Let him know that you are NOT okay with this behavior and ask him to delete all his accounts and remain open to allowing you check from time to time to assure yourself of his fidelity and loyalty to you. 

If he agrees, then all's well that ends well, if he doesn't, well that's a horse of a different color. Either way you may want to request some couples counseling so you can fully work through all this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is cheating. Don't let it go any further. Tell him what you know. You were only "snooping" because you knew he was hiding something - that's totally normal and you did nothing wrong.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I agree with the other posters on this one--he is cheating. I applaud how you tracked this down. You may want to exchange a few e-mails with him before you blow your cover. By doing so, you can learn more about his intentions. And keep copies of those e-mails. Once you confront him, he is going to try to minimize what he did. I learned that cheaters do a lot of lying and blaming. You want to have this air tight when you confront him--no wiggle room.

Next, do not be apologetic for snooping. He created doubt in your mind, so he can blame himself for that. Besides he may be jeopardizing your health!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

827Aug said:


> do not be apologetic for snooping. He created doubt in your mind, so he can blame himself for that.


But be prepared for a totally irrational conversation. Its rare that people will accept responsibility for the trouble they've caused. He'll likely pull every trick in the book to make you think its your fault for snooping. Stay strong - the real issue is what he was doing or trying to do.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I was in a sort of similar situation a couple of years ago. Do not feel bad about checking his emails (unless this is something you do regularly and without cause). I strongly believe that a spouse _knows_ when something is up and has a right to do a little snooping. I don't snoop on my H now because I don't feel like I have to, but when I did snoop it was because I was feeling very strongly that something was wrong and I've learned to follow those hunches because they are usually correct.

Treat this just as if he put an ad looking for a female companion. It's really no different, cheating is cheating. If for no other reason, I would confront him out of fear of STDs. If your H is cheating on you, you can't just ignore it and wait for something to happen while he could be bringing home god knows what to you. Especially out of fear that you've been snooping. What he is doing is much, much worse.

He will be angry, defensive, ashamed and try to blame you as much as possible for the snooping. Ignore that. This is a major betrayal _by him_ and a threat to your marriage. Get counseling if you feel like you need it to work through this.

Trust will take some time to get back. He must be completely transparent and accept that me may not have any online privacy until he has earned your trust back.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> But be prepared for a totally irrational conversation. Its rare that people will accept responsibility for the trouble they've caused. He'll likely pull every trick in the book to make you think its your fault for snooping. Stay strong - the real issue is what he was doing or trying to do.


I'm glad you added this! To someone new to the cheater's realm this can mean total derailment when they have "the talk". Also, be prepared to hear how controlling you are. 

Hang in there!


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## ijustdontknow77 (Aug 3, 2010)

I am in somewhat of a similar situation... One of the issues i have with confronting him, is that he will just continue but be more careful so that i do not catch him next time!.?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

ijustdontknow77 said:


> I am in somewhat of a similar situation... One of the issues i have with confronting him, is that he will just continue but be more careful so that i do not catch him next time!.?


That's exactly right. Basically you either get definite proof, then confront. Or, you let it play out and watch how sloppy he gets. Unfortunately I went with the later. It hasn't ended well and did a lot of damage to me over a four to five year period. I now know I should have gone with the first choice. Had I collected proof when I first noticed things not adding up then presented it, I would be in a much better place. At that point, I could have demanded counseling (among other things). Things would have been on my playing field then.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband regularly checks in to my online goings-on. Other than this message board I have nothing to hide. I'll leave my facebook open, and he'll go through it as if he needs too... honestly he doesn't. I also worry that he snoops in my emails. Recently this whole "snooping" has irritated me since he confessed to me that he does it. At first it didn't bother me, but now it does for some reason. Mostly because I feel until recently he had no reason to do so, his insecurities stem from his own self-loathing behavior. 

I have the urge to sneak around and follow him. (Not online, but in real life) He definitely has some unexplainable behavior that I try to piece together... ends don't meet. Some days I wish I had the balls to do so. I don't. I can't. Because sometimes I don't want to know the truth. If he's cheating... I figure it will come out eventually. AM I WRONG?? DO PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH CHEATING?? Besides we're not having sex now so... I'm not worried about catching something. I figure if he cheats it will just give me yet another reason to throw him out on his ass.

Having said all this our situations are very different, but coming from a person who gets snooped. It's no biggie UNLESS you have something to hide. He is your husband and should (by law almost) be sharing everything with you. Even his vices that he is embarrassed about. Maybe put on some Elton John... see if he gets awkward. Talk about the subject indirectly. Like "did you hear so and so left his wife and kids after 30 years... for another man???" and see what his reaction is. Maybe hesitate to express your feelings at all, on this issue. Just see what he says and how he reacts.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

StarshipTrooper said:


> Elton John?
> 
> You need Liz Manelli, Cher, Lady Gaga or Kelly Clarkson.



I meant because of the kind of person Elton became later on in life. Not the fact that he's a pop singer.


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## blueheart (Aug 4, 2010)

Thanks for all of your kindness and words of wisdom. I do have a few reservations, as there is not only myself to think about but our kids. They have already been through alot with both of us going through divorces. Before I can go ahead and confront him, I would like to have as much proof to back me up, as I too would be worried that he would just carry on with what he is doing, just be more careful. And as much as I can hold my own, when it comes down to it, I do not wish to get engaged in a confruntation of blame.....
We have been married for 3 years now and I do hope that we can grow old together, as we have such plans for when all of our little ones are on their own. 
I do want to ask, where do you draw the line for cheating, when you begin to search, such as placing ads, or once the physical connection has been made? Or better, does it really matter...
I do not want to place blame on myself, I did not force this to happen, but I also feel that two people make things happen...why are some reasons men make this decision?
If bi/curious men are (possible) gay men to some, does that mean that bi/curious women are gay women? 
Again, thank you for all of your advice, I am looking forward to all of your help as I get through this.
Have a wonderful night
Cheers, BH


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

blueheart said:


> I do want to ask, where do you draw the line for cheating, when you begin to search, such as placing ads, or once the physical connection has been made? Or better, does it really matter...


When does the cheating begin you ask... with intent. When somoeone intends to stray from their marriage (unless it's an open one) that is when the cheating begins. Not necessarily with the act. 

If he was just placing these ads out of curiosity and never went through with anything, well, that's a serious waste of social time he could be spending with you or the kids. Honestly if he never acted on it, that's good... but it also doesn't mean he never will. So, as you've been doing, just need to evaluate the situation yourself, you know it best. I suggest counseling, for him if not for both of you. 

Also, with this particular case, be prepared for the worst. I hate to be the one to say this but he may have been doing these kinds of things throughout his life, and acting on them. So you must be willing to understand that when you confront him, the answer you want might not be the answer you're going to get. They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes truth is the most painful freedom of all.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

I would definitely play along for awhile. Ask him for other pictures, and whatever else ... Ask him to meet you somewhere. If you can arrange it on a night when you can be there, by all means. That is the kind of thing that is icing on the cake to avoid those lying explanations, and get to the truth of the matter. 

Its been my experience that people in that situation will lie, and will continue to lie until all options are completely exhausted, and they tend to be rather good at it. I had tapes of phone conversations(back when it was still legal to listen to cell phones), logs of IM conversations, copies of emails, copies of plane tickets for when she was supposed to be in an entirely different city, photos of her together with the SOB she was cheating on me with, and no matter what I put on the table she continued to lie the entire time. It was completely irrational. 

If she would have come clean when I first told her I knew, I might have been willing to give her a chance, but after all of that I wasn't willing to hear it anymore.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

blueheart said:


> Hi there, I have been struggling with this situation, and am looking for someone who has been here, is here, or who has some insight. I confirmed that my H has a current ad on a general site. One issue is the way in which I was able to confirm this, is that I happen to know his pw, and went into his emails and found suspicious emails. I then confirmed this by responding to his ad, with a ficticious person. (And yes, I am aware that by "sneaking" into his emails, was not right but I just had a feeling). The other part to this is, (and I am nervous to announce this), his add is directed towards engaging in new oral experiences with another guy. I can also confirm that he has emailed back and forth to someone but I do not know if it has gone any further than that. Our marriage and sex life has not changed, (other than from the honeymoon period), and in fact is rather amazing, as we are a blended family raising 5 children, working f/t and still find our fabulous time together. I was surprised to see how many married men are looking to have similar discreet experiences, why is this? Is this considered cheating? I am unable to confront him, due to how this was found out, so until the time comes (as I do believe that secrets don't always remain secrets), that something spills, how do I possibly look at him w/o knowing what is going on, until that time? Trust, will it be the same? And if he responds to my ficticous email, I was planning on turning the tables around and letting him know, that in fact, I am a wife who happened to find out what her husband is up to and give him a piece of my mind (which would make me feel somewhat better), or should I just not respond at all? I am just rather confused by the entire situation...especially if he understands what could possibly happen if/when this secret is known.
> Thanks....BH


As a bisexual guy who has cheated, this is what I think:

1 - he is probably bisexual, definitely bi-curious.

2 - he may have already acted on these feelings.

3 - he will deny being bisexual and deny cheating.

If you are having sex with him, you may be putting your health at risk. You need to address this with him immediately. Don't let the argument fall back on your "spying" but keep it focused on his sexuality and health risks to both of you.

You may want to go into the discussion with the presumption that he has already engaged in homosexual activity so that the issue of "did he or didn't he" is off the table.

Don't make it a discussion about being bisexual. That's something that he can't change. Looking for sex, cheating and lying is something that he can change so focus on that.

there's nothing wrong with being bisexual. For a lot of guys that are older, it is something we pushed back because when we were growing up, homosexuality was not yet accepted.

Good luck. If you want to PM me for off-line discussion, feel free to do so.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Last night I accidentally forgot to delete this forum from my history, and I think my husband found it. He knows my user name and password. Probably found all of my posts. Ugh. I don't think his snooping could have caused more negative than this particular forum. I'm not positive, but he wouldn't even tell me he loved me this morning after I told him "i love you". All I got was a "see you tonight." Twice. 

I am honest with my husband on most levels, my true nature is always displayed out for everyone to see. I'm not malicious in my intent on this forum, but I do not want him to see it. Especially since I'm looking to complete strangers for advice. He wouldn't understand that concept. Plus he would be hurt by the things I have revealed here.


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