# His ex is in the middle of our relationship



## 5ftnuttin (May 2, 2012)

My boyfriend has been divorced for a year. He was married 14 years. They have 4 kids and live 10-15 minutes from each other. When we started dating and found out how long he had been divorced I thought it was kind of soon, but he said he was done (she cheated, multiple times), and I wasn't the first person he dated. 
This is my first long term relationship with someone with kids. I understand he has to have communication with his ex because of the kids, and I don't have a problem with that. But there were some things that came up in the beginning that made me think they were overly close, and I addressed it. There are things you don't discuss with your ex, and you don't need to discuss everything with your ex. He agreed and said he hadn't known how to handle their new relationship after the divorce and had done it wrong. He said he would draw some boundaries, and seemed to be going fine after that. 
We've been having some issues for a month or so and during that time I've noticed that when the ex texts him it's not just one reply, it's several back and forth, and he doesn't tell me what's going on when she texts him (one of the kids has an appointment, etc). So I checked his phone this morning. Probably not the greatest idea, but it is what it is. They text a lot, and not much of it is kid related. They just chat. There was a text from her where he had been over there for something asking why he didn't tell her good bye. There was a text from her saying her neck hurt, and he replied it was from giving too many blowjobs. What the hell???? That can be interpreted a few different ways. Giving blowjobs to him? I know I'm not over reacting here. This is wildly inappropriate. I just don't know how to handle it. Does this mean he's hung up on his ex and trying to get back together with her and I should just cut my losses and walk? Or is this something that happens when someone is married for 14 years?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

If they're not talking about just strictly the kids I would be worried. 
Looks like there is some unfinished business still between the two of them. 
If he doesn't stick to the boundaries you put in place then I would leave. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Well, how is the relationship with you and how do you feel about him? Your decision should at least be 50% of that.

The other 50% is your ability or willingness to enter into this type of arrangement. Kids require they communicate, and even though they are divorced, there's still an attachment, recall there was a reason they got together and started a family. The hope is that the divorce ends the bitterness, but allows for a relationship to facilitate good parenting. 

If you can't tolerate this, then you have your answer. There's some room there for you to speak your mind and let him know what your boundaries are, but it's up to him to respond to that, and as you see, it's a bit more complicated. Divorce (especially with kids) doesn't so much mean the end of the relationship, just a change. 

You have to be Ok with that change, long term. try talking wiht him about your needs (not his behaviors!0, and se where it goes.

And don't snoop..as you see it doesn't provide much reassurance...it's his actual behavior with you that counts.


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## 5ftnuttin (May 2, 2012)

We've been having some problems for probably a month. We have a lot of communication issues. I checked his phone because I noticed that something was just different when they were texting. I don't want it to be difficult for him to see his kids or talk to his ex about his kids. But I don't think it's normal for him to be texting his ex as often as he texts me. I realize I don't have a big base line of what's normal after a 14-year relationship with kids to go on and that's why I'm here.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have 3 kids and was married 14 years. My ex cheated.
What you're seeing isn't normal at all. Your man shouldn't be regularly chatting any women like that.
One of the most common ways people cheat is with exes.

You SHOULD snoop when you feel something is wrong. I suggest you continue until you're comfortable with the relationship.

It does sound to me like he still wants his ex. He wouldn't invest time chatting if he wasn't.
I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

After my divorce I fell into the same trap, or rather, was drawn into it. 

My XWW would call and text constantly. She would always open up with questions about one of the kids but would segue into personal conversations. The conversations would get longer and more flirty. Because I still had so many unresolved feelings for her, I was easy to tease and keep on the hook. It soon became obvious that she was just trying to draw me in and keep me in orbit while she played the single life with other dudes. I think she just wanted me as a backup plan with no real intention of repairing the damage she caused.

One day I woke up, and the next time she called, I told her to never call me again. I also told her to only text me if there was an issue with one of our kids. I was sick of being played and the constant communication with her was holding me back emotionally and keeping me in a loop. How could I ever become interested in someone new if I was still attached to her? Answer: I couldn’t. It would not be fair to any new woman I may start seeing either. I also knew I would never take XWW back after what she did so there was no point in communicating with her. 

It has now been almost two years since I put an end to her nonsense. My kids live with me full time now so there is no reason to talk to her anyway. At the time, it was the best thing I could have done to help myself was put distance between us. I am in a much better place now.

I would tell him to make up his mind or you're gone.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

5ftnuttin said:


> Does this mean he's hung up on his ex and trying to get back together with her and I should just cut my losses and walk?


This. He's not ready for a relationship yet. I am similar to your bf. 

Serial cheated on, married 9 yrs, two kids, she lives 15 mins away.

She ain't my "pal" and I sure as hell ain't texting her about bjs.

He's needs to learn to disconnect from his ex or he will never give you a chance.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I still think you need to address those problems you've been having for a month directly and not snoop. If they cannot be resolved, you've got your answer.

We often make things like this more complicated b/c of our need to hang on. It sounds like you've made your decision but cannot admit it to yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> He's not ready for a relationship yet. I am similar to your bf.
> 
> Serial cheated on, married 9 yrs, two kids, she lives 15 mins away.
> 
> ...


Yep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

spinsterdurga said:


> You should dump him.


Exactly, he's thinking about her giving BJs, not you. 
He should be thinking about that with you. 
He's flirting with her. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I agree, this is not normal. It's a HUGE red flag for a married man to have sexually charged conversations with another woman, let alone his ex-wife. I'd confront him and be prepared to leave if you can't work it out. It is a difficult situation since she is the mother of his kids - you can't realistically tell him the next time he speaks to her or sees her, you're done.

As someone who got involved in a rebound relationship too quickly after the demise of a nearly 11 year partnership, I can guarantee you he isn't over her (because I wasn't over mine - I needed a couple of years for that). In my case I was no contact with the ex and my issues were not that I wanted her back, rather that she hurt me very badly and I hadn't recovered yet.

I ended up marrying my rebound and we have ups and downs but my ex is not a ghost haunting our marriage. Not by a long way. 

You are correct, you are in a three way situation here. The only question is what you are willing to do about it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with the others..I would break it off with him..way too much baggage...plus as they have kids together they will always have contact understandably.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

highwood said:


> I agree with the others..I would break it off with him..way too much baggage...plus as they have kids together they will always have contact understandably.


Yes and he will always put his children first over you and odds are the children don't like or respect you and they may eventually move in with you and him and you will have no say in the matter. He will always have contact with his ex. Get out now.


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## 5ftnuttin (May 2, 2012)

I know that we have our issues that are completely separate from his ex and I thought we were trying to work on those. We are both incredibly strong-willed and we have completely different ways of communicating . But we also have a great time together and we like a lot of the same things. But if he's still hung up on his ex then there's no point in me trying. I know that it can be a good feeling to be wanted by someone, especially someone that cheated on you and didn't want you. But he's wanted by me, he doesn't need to be wanted by her too, whether he's doing anything about it or not.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes and he will always put his children first over you and odds are the children don't like or respect you and they may eventually move in with you and him and you will have no say in the matter. He will always have contact with his ex. Get out now.


....and he should put the kids first over his new girlfriend. Way too much baggage find a guy with no kids and who has been single a while.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, to a lesser extent I've been where you are. My hb had terrible boundaries with his ex and her family. I don't think he was still interested, but the buddy boundaries were horrible and he was quite entrenched with her family. 

And they weren't even talking about BJ's, but he did seem to know a lot about her personal life. 

I put up with it for a lot longer than I should have but eventually I did blow up. He's much better now, I really think he didn't realize how destructive it was and thought everyone was just getting along for the kid. One kid. And his ex liked having a place in his life so she pushed back. We won't get into how I dealt with her but let's just say I made it clear that flirting with any and all of her bf's was on the table if she wanted to play games. It worked. 

I recommend you end this. He's not ready for a relationship. ... he's still mixed up emotionally with her. I considered ending things a few times but I can tell you that has I seen references to bj's I would've dumped him right then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband was also a serial cheater. He had a very hard time understanding that, after our divorce, we just really weren't close friends. He continued to try to talk to me about personal stuff, work, our families. He wanted us to still have dinner every now and then, do things jointly with our son that didn't need to be joint. He wanted to talk about the women he was dating, introduce me to new girlfriends, meet anyone I was dating, etc. He just really couldn't seem to wrap his head around me not being an integral part of his life. The thing is, people who cheat have a proven history of both poor boundaries and cake-eating behaviors. And, sadly, many of them will have trained their spouses into the habit of complying with bad boundaries and allowing them to cake-eat. 

OP, I'm guessing that your boyfriend's ex-wife is having trouble on both fronts - largely because she just can't really fathom boundaries in any real way. She imagines herself and your boyfriend as divorced but still "best friends", still each other's emotional support, still "married" in many ways, but without all those icky uncomfortable bits - like daily reality, commitment, honesty, monogamy, etc. She wants him around as a sort of part-time husband and safety net without having to do any of the work of a marriage. And, your boyfriend is so used to that dynamic with her that it's habitutual for him. Essentially, he's now the source of affair-style ego-boosting fantasy need-meeting, while she's free from actually having go to the trouble of pretending at a real marriage with him.

So, she's not emotionally healthy. But your boyfriend isn't either. He doesn't appear to understand that he's no longer in a relationship with his ex-wife. He can't separate himself as an "I" from the "we" they were as a couple. He's still enmeshed with her as his primary relationship. 

I wouldn't stick around for that, if I were you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

5ftnuttin said:


> We've been having some problems for probably a month. We have a lot of communication issues. I checked his phone because I noticed that something was just different when they were texting. I don't want it to be difficult for him to see his kids or talk to his ex about his kids. But I don't think it's normal for him to be texting his ex as often as he texts me. I realize I don't have a big base line of what's normal after a 14-year relationship with kids to go on and that's why I'm here.


If he wants to chit chat and have a relationship with his ex, then he needs to NOT be in any other relationship. Doing this is complete disrespect to you and the relationship you share. It is out of line and inappropriate. This is a deal breaker for me, and if it is for you, then you need to make that need known, and be prepared to walk if he refuses.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

How do you know that all those BJs weren't from her? I ask because it's a red flag that he's insinuating that knows that she's given a lot of them. 

Even if this is not the case, he clearly has very poor boundaries. I really don't see that changing. If I were you, I'd move on.


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## 5ftnuttin (May 2, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's input. I'm headed over now to talk to him. I realize everything he's doing is inappropriate. Especially talking about BJ's with his ex. I think my biggest concern is whether or not it means he still wants to be with his ex, which means there's no point in trying to fix it, or whether he's just trying to figure out how to have a new relationship with his ex after 14 years of marriage.
I'm almost 35. Everyone has baggage. It's just whether or not they have a roll on or have so much that it needs to be checked in at the gate, LOL. I have time and effort invested in this relationship and I love him. I don't want to be made a fool out of and I don't want to sit around while he is in love with someone else if that's what this is but I also don't want to throw it away if this is fixable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't just TALK to him. He's just going to tell you what you want to hear. Then he'll get mad you snooped on his phone and get all indignant and you'll feel guilty and never do it again and meanwhile he'll just keep right on being inappropriate with his ex.

Tell him that he either stops the inappropriate stuff with the ex, and proves to you he's done so, or YOU'RE done. This will most likely result in your break up, but be thankful if it does.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

5ftnuttin said:


> I appreciate everyone's input. I'm headed over now to talk to him. I realize everything he's doing is inappropriate. Especially talking about BJ's with his ex. I think my biggest concern is whether or not it means he still wants to be with his ex, which means there's no point in trying to fix it, or whether he's just trying to figure out how to have a new relationship with his ex after 14 years of marriage.
> I'm almost 35. Everyone has baggage. It's just whether or not they have a roll on or have so much that it needs to be checked in at the gate, LOL. I have time and effort invested in this relationship and I love him. I don't want to be made a fool out of and I don't want to sit around while he is in love with someone else if that's what this is but I also don't want to throw it away if this is fixable.


Good for you. If you don't take a strong stance on this now, it WILL come back to bite you in the ass. Take it from someone who got dumped so her husband could remarry his first wife...EX's have NO PLACE in a relationship.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Dump him. Remove the drama and stress from your life. He's not even close to ready to be divorced and still is emotionally connected to her. 

I'd even tell him, now that's I'm letting you go you're free to text your exW about BJs all you want. Buh-bye.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with Hope. Don't talk to him, tell him it's clear he's not moved on and you're not waiting for it. 

Who cares if he wants her back or not? Do you think his poor boundaries will matter less if he doesn't want her back? 

They're still poor boundaries. 

He's just going to bullsh!t you. 

End it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

spinsterdurga said:


> You should dump him.


This x 100000000000

Seriously, break up with this guy. He's not worth it. This is precisely why I have never dated guys with kids. Too much mama drama. lol

You will hurt for a time, but it's better than dating a guy of whom you're part of a triangle. ((hug))


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Not really going to say anything that everyone else hasn't said, I'll just point out that it's rather unanimous which is rare around here.

There's really nothing to talk about, the most he'd do is try to stop doing it but the underlying feelings and motivations are still there.

He's still involved with his ex and over time, he might unravel himself, or they might decide that their problems weren't unfixable.

You've got better things to do then sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. You are more important than he is.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

5ftnuttin said:


> I appreciate everyone's input. I'm headed over now to talk to him. I realize everything he's doing is inappropriate. Especially talking about BJ's with his ex. I think my biggest concern is whether or not it means he still wants to be with his ex, which means there's no point in trying to fix it, *or whether he's just trying to figure out how to have a new relationship with his ex after 14 years of marriage.*
> I'm almost 35. Everyone has baggage. It's just whether or not they have a roll on or have so much that it needs to be checked in at the gate, LOL. I have time and effort invested in this relationship and I love him. I don't want to be made a fool out of and I don't want to sit around while he is in love with someone else if that's what this is but I also don't want to throw it away if this is fixable.


My guess is on this.

I lived it (minus the inappropriate topics of conversation). I was with my ex wife for 14 years (she cheated), and although we had no kids, we had animals, as well as a house and all of that, which kept us in contact with each other for a little while.

Figuring out how to talk to one another was a struggle, and eventually it just kind of blew up and went away, and there was no more contact. Took about 18 months to get to that point.

But like most people in the similar situations here are saying, it was the wayward that kept us on the hook. I fell victim to it a few times, but put a stop to it. No chance of me getting back with her, didn't even cross my mind, but it was more of a control thing on her part. She didn't want to be friends and hang out, she didn't talk about her or my sex life, but there was still part of her that felt like she should know what I was up to, how my relationship was going, if I was happy, how my family and friends were doing, blah blah blah.

It's definitely concerning for the OP, as her boyfriend is right into it. It doesn't mean he's going to do something, or even thinking about it, but if the opportunity presents itself, it may be hard for him to say no. But right now (hopefully) he probably just feels like it's no big deal. 14 years is a long time, and they share 4 kids together. It's comfortable. It's easy to justify (being civil and even friendly with one another).

When two people have the kind of familiarity with one another that they do, and my ex wife and I did, it's difficult to detach that part of things, regardless of what happened to end the relationship. It takes time, but it also takes a swift kick in the rear from the person that's currently in a relationship with them.

Talk to him, and tell him you're not comfortable. Don't let him justify the niceness because they have kids together. They don't have to be arch enemies, nor do they have to be friends. They just have to be civil and mature. Once I established that with my ex wife, she was gone, just like that. I had no interest in being friends, or catching up every now and again, or talking about my personal life with her. She did. Both hers and mine. Your BF has kids with this woman, so she will never be out of his, or your life, but they certainly don't have to be at the level they're at now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Many people only consider the term "emotionally unavailable" applicable to someone who does not seem to feel or show emotion, but this situation is far more common, and is the very definition of emotionally unavailable. A person only has so much emotional energy to give, and the more directions they chose it to be split, the less they can focus in any one direction.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Don't just TALK to him. He's just going to tell you what you want to hear. Then he'll get mad you snooped on his phone and get all indignant and you'll feel guilty and never do it again and meanwhile he'll just keep right on being inappropriate with his ex.
> 
> Tell him that he either stops the inappropriate stuff with the ex, and proves to you he's done so, or YOU'RE done. This will most likely result in your break up, but be thankful if it does.


totally agree....they will tell you want you want to hear to your face...

H did that with me...told me right to my fact that he was not in contact with his EA...ONLY after I snooped and checked things out did I learn the truth!

...and HOpe is right they do get pissed when they know you are snooping on them for sure....but there often is a reason they are pissed...


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I am on the opposite side to you. I was married 15years, we have 3 children and recently divorced. My exH moved his chick in 5 minutes after I left. From what I hear she controls his phone, reads the messages we send which are 99% related to the children. It is so bad that she has involved herself in our situation. He allowed it of course and it's now 10 x worse than it was before. Unfortunately, the only reason I need to have contact with my exH is because of our children. Hope your situation gets sorted out soon.


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## 5ftnuttin (May 2, 2012)

So at first he wasn't upset that I looked at his phone, but later he said I did it because I thought he was sleeping with the X. I actually didn't think that, his X cheated with a lot of people and he had said several times he thought the number of people she slept with was gross. I didn't expect to find sexual references in their texts, I thought maybe the buddy thing had started again, I didn't really know. He showed me the texts again and they were jokes, but the bottom line is I don't think he should be texting his XW, or anyone he's slept with, sexual jokes or sexual anything. It's disrespectful to me. He said it's just the way he jokes around, and it is. I've heard him make sexual jokes to his guy friends, and I think it's funny, but it's different with an X. The bottom line is it makes me uncomfortable, and I told him that. 
He showed me that most of the other texts were him asking her about insurance stuff (she works in insurance and he's trying to buy a house) and coordinating getting stuff out of the house she just moved out of (he still had a lot of stuff stored there and she downsized and he took some of the stuff she got rid of). There was some chatting in there, but most of it had a purpose, and he pointed out that it's far, far less than he was texting her before he met me, or before we talked about it before. And more than before she moved and he started trying to buy a house. He said he wants to keep a decent relationship with her because so far they haven't had any issues with the kids, he's allowed to see them whenever he wants even though there isn't a formal custody agreement, and he wants joint physical custody when he gets a house. 
So all it leaves is the sex jokes. Basically he said changing that is changing the way he talks because he talks to everyone that way. Ummm, no, not really. It's not that at all. And if you're not chatting with her that much it shouldn't really be that difficult. He said it's too much work and he is putting too much work into our relationship, period. He said a relationship shouldn't be that much work. This is the problem we've been having for a while every time there is an issue. He was 17 when he married his ex and was deployed for half of his marriage, so I imagine it probably was a lot less work. So now after I got this huge issue figured out into one really small, manageable thing, he just quit. He won't take my calls or return my texts now. 
I know most of you who have read this think it wasn't even worth talking to him about, but there was a lot of good in our relationship. We have had our issues, but I felt like it was worth saving. I really didn't feel like he wanted to be with his ex. I felt like he might have been confused because he was in that relationship for so long and he missed being part of his family, and he didn't know how to change his communication with his ex, but I didn't have a gut feeling he was going to go back to her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This absolutely IS worth talking to him about! Its a shame that he just gave up instead of just establishing a boundary. Give him a little time, once he gives it some thought, he may come to realize that you were right, and contact you again. Then it would be up to you how to proceed. It doesn't matter whether he wanted her back or not, what mattered is that he was crossing a line that disrespected your relationship and what was important to you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

What a putz. You may have just seen a little more insight into why his marriage didn't work out. If not engaging in sexual banter with his ex is just not him, is too much work, then I suspect you two just have very different visions of what it takes to make a relationship work.

On a side note, throwing out the "It's just not who I am" is very often a defensive phrase said to deflect being called out on something that is wrong, but that they want to do anyway. It's a form of gaslighting. It is not much different than calling someone "controlling". Very rarely are these things actually immutably "who they are", or behaviors actually "controlling"


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Too much work? A relationship requires work!!!! What is he talking about??

OKAY, so you have 2 very different people, it will take work to ensure both people are happy!

Do not talk to him, do not text him. He is wrong in making all these sexual jokes anyway.... 

If he comes back on his own, he will be willing to put in the work to have a strong relationship with you. If he comes back because you make him come back, he knows he can do as he pleases and have no disregard for your feeling.s


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Eh, wish him luck finding a woman who's ok with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Threeblessings said:


> I am on the opposite side to you. I was married 15years, we have 3 children and recently divorced. My exH moved his chick in 5 minutes after I left. From what I hear she controls his phone, reads the messages we send which are 99% related to the children. It is so bad that she has involved herself in our situation. He allowed it of course and it's now 10 x worse than it was before. Unfortunately, the only reason I need to have contact with my exH is because of our children. Hope your situation gets sorted out soon.


The reason she's most likely like that, is because it sounds like she was involved with him before you divorced, the irony being that since she was moved in so quick, who's to say it won't happen to her? Oh, the irony. 

Glad to see you broke free of that triangle.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Threeblessings said:


> I am on the opposite side to you. I was married 15years, we have 3 children and recently divorced. My exH moved his chick in 5 minutes after I left. From what I hear she controls his phone, reads the messages we send which are 99% related to the children. It is so bad that she has involved herself in our situation. He allowed it of course and it's now 10 x worse than it was before. Unfortunately, the only reason I need to have contact with my exH is because of our children. Hope your situation gets sorted out soon.


You know what, though? What she's doing isn't all that bad, and she obviously feels as though it's justified and necessary. I don't know your story, but if your ex moved her in "5 minutes after you left", then she rightfully feels threatened and is keeping her guard up.

It's her prerogative to be with someone who is fresh out of a 15 year marriage and has 3 kids with his ex, but she's not out of line to guard this relationship in certain ways.

And you may not like it one bit, but of course she feels she wants to be involved in his life (and by extension, yours). That said, the person in that situation needs to take a back seat and not an equal portion of things, and this is often where things go off the rails. As I said, my ex wife tried to keep herself TOO involved in my life (and me in hers) after we split, and especially after I started dating my now-wife.

It's difficult to completely detach after x-amount of years (and children), and she obviously comprehends that. She also clearly does not fully trust your ex husband, which is quite telling, hence her attempts at control of him in regards to you.

Sit back and laugh at his predicament, and don't let it get YOUR ire up - they're both each others problems, and only yours if you make it.

*ETA the kids will be fine. My wife's ex (father of my stepsons) also continues to exert a ridiculous amount of control. It's been 8 years since they were together, and 7 since my wife and I have been. When he calls here in regards to something child-related and I answer the phone, he will only talk to me if my wife is not around. And even then, he occasionally says he will call back when she is. And 99.9% of the time it's something I could have handled, or answered, or taken care of, or simply passed along to my wife. There are a whole host of other silly ways he tries to maintain his control - like anything the younger one (he's 10) received as a gift at that house, can not be brought over here to play with. This used to include CLOTHES, ffs.

We just let him do his thing. The kids are old enough to see it for what it is, without us having to say anything negative about him.


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