# Exposure when divorcing.



## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I've used this forum often without posting, but I don't know what to do now.

My H was unfaithful, an EA and PA (just making out, 99.9% sure that's all that happened). I did the 180 with good results - he committed to me, ceased contact with the OW, gave me passwords to his email and facebook, limited access to his phone (he isn't home a lot, so he could have deleted things but I trusted him enough with the email and facebook passwords). I told him that the smallest amount of infidelity again would make me leave and never look back. I am young enough to find someone else and we have no children. I have no reason to stay besides my love for him.

I recently discovered a hidden email address and to my (not so) surprise, he was signed up for numerous dating websites. And by dating websites, I mean no strings attached sex websites. I confronted him, he said he made the profiles a while ago and never looked back... but it really doesn't matter to me, I'm out.

The question is: Do I expose him? I want to - but I'm sure it's mostly out of revenge. I am angry and want everyone to know that he's a pig, that it isn't my fault. But if I'm just walking - is there any point to it? I also never exposed to the OW boyfriend... I'm not sure if I should still do that. I probably should have originally but I stupidly didn't. I know the OW boyfriend is not a stand up guy, he has cheated on her before and is a really ****ty guy. I don't care to do the right thing for him, he's just as bad as the two of them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's not about revenge

it's about giving someone the facts that they need to make a more informed decision

give him the info and allow him to do as he pleases with it


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I guess I also wanted to know if I should expose to his family. They are great people with a strong morality - they would be upset to know this is why we're divorcing. I have already told mine, but that's more because I've been leaning on them for support (my dad cheated on my mom often) - not to hurt him or expose him. If I told his family they would be distraught.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lou said:


> I guess I also wanted to know if I should expose to his family. They are great people with a strong morality - they would be upset to know this is why we're divorcing. I have already told mine, but that's more because I've been leaning on them for support (my dad cheated on my mom often) - not to hurt him or expose him. If I told his family they would be distraught.


well imagine what he's saying about you to them then


I have no problem with "damage control", why let other people think it's your fault or worse outright lies that your husband may be telling them


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Expose to his family and hers , this prevents any future lies from either of them. Waywards have a habit of trying to rewrite history and blame the BS , you telling the truth helps counter that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> well imagine what he's saying about you to them then
> 
> 
> I have no problem with "damage control", why let other people think it's your fault or worse outright lies that your husband may be telling them


They know what happened the first time. I'm not sure how to say "Your son was looking online for sex" to an amazing family.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

"Where's my apology for you hacking my accounts?"

Unbelievable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

lou said:


> "Where's my apology for you hacking my accounts?"
> 
> Unbelievable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He seriously said that?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I wouldn't be surprised that he did, Speed.

Accusing the betrayed spouse of invading their privacy as a way of deflecting from their own wrongdoing is one of the first lines in the cheating spouse's script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Speed said:


> He seriously said that?


Yes. He said he wanted me to show remorse for breaking HIS trust. Anyone have any good 180 lines for this? The only thing I want to reply is either with laughter or screaming.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lou said:


> Yes. He said he wanted me to show remorse for breaking HIS trust. Anyone have any good 180 lines for this? The only thing I want to reply is either with laughter or screaming.


Go with laughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

lou said:


> Yes. He said he wanted me to show remorse for breaking HIS trust. Anyone have any good 180 lines for this? The only thing I want to reply is either with laughter or screaming.


Either laugh or just STFU. 

Silence often has the best impact.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

"I will not apologize. You had been unfaithful and I couldn't trust you. I told you the smallest amount of infidelity again would result in me being done. Did you expect me to just presume you'd tell me if you stepped out again? We're married, there should be no hidden lives. I want this to work, that's why I need to have the truth...you're on probation, consider me your PO."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Btw - I got the same "invasion of privacy/hacking" bs from my stbxw, but I had already walked out by the time she saw the evidence I left for her. So my choice at that point was to not respond. Don't let it get to you, just stay firm because you are right and he is wrong. You did it because he made that your only option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I think going dark might be my only option right now. It's incredible how even though you know they're so wrong - how their words can effect you! I know I'm not in the wrong here, but they plant these toxic seeds of doubt in your head... What a mind f..k. 

Of course, I'll have to get through him removing his things from my home first...


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Btw - I got the same "invasion of privacy/hacking" bs from my stbxw, but I had already walked out by the time she saw the evidence I left for her. So my choice at that point was to not respond. Don't let it get to you, just stay firm because you are right and he is wrong. You did it because he made that your only option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for commenting. Your thread was my bible during much of my journey, lol. I hope I can be as strong as you were


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lou said:


> Yes. He said he wanted me to show remorse for breaking HIS trust. Anyone have any good 180 lines for this? The only thing I want to reply is either with laughter or screaming.


So many people now think their privacy in marriage is a big deal. WRONG.... Married people become one. There are no secrets in marriage. No secret passwords,email accts, facebook etc. If you are not an open book to your spouse, you are only going through some motions.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

chapparal said:


> So many people now think their privacy in marriage is a big deal. WRONG.... Married people become one. There are no secrets in marriage. No secret passwords,email accts, facebook etc. If you are not an open book to your spouse, you are only going through some motions.


The irony is that I had access to his REAL account, but he had a fake one. So... my mistake wasn't reading into his account (since he gave me written permission as part of our R), but reading into his FAKE one.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lou said:


> The irony is that I had access to his REAL account, but he had a fake one. So... my mistake wasn't reading into his account (since he gave me written permission as part of our R), but reading into his FAKE one.


Keylogger


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Expose to his family and hers , this prevents any future lies from either of them. Waywards have a habit of trying to rewrite history and blame the BS , you telling the truth helps counter that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And..one other thing that I feel makes it a responsibility to expose....you may save a betrayed spouse from a lifetime of being done wrong and a ruined life (depending on how long their relationship lasts). Living with a cheater is as cruel as the grave. In the future my motto is 'expose,expose,expose cheaters.' If you leave it alone,the cheater will go on to mess up others lives and perhaps any innocent children involved. Cheaters usually have dysfuncional homes that hurt everyone for a long time. Bring that to an end...don't let the cheater continue to hurt their spouse and any children involved by continuing to cheat for years in the future!


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

lou said:


> I think going dark might be my only option right now. It's incredible how even though you know they're so wrong - how their words can effect you! I know I'm not in the wrong here, but they plant these toxic seeds of doubt in your head... What a mind f..k.
> 
> Of course, I'll have to get through him removing his things from my home first...


You end up second guessing yourself because it is hard to believe they could be so irrational. I read more and more about this "fog" people are in. It is like their brains cease all logical thought processes and they run around with the emotional maturity of a five year old.

You are going to have to 180. He is way to far in denial of his wrong doings to even begin to try to make him see reality.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

lou:
Don't apologize, don't laugh, don't say a word. Don't give the dignity of a reason it deserves none. Move onto the next subject.

Good luck.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

I have drafted letters to send but I'm going to wait until he's collected his things and left the key. He's never been violent before but I'd rather not deal with the aftershock, and then go dark afterwards. 

Definitely feeling very sorry for myself today. Why was I not enough? I know these are his demons but... I can't help but feel like crap about myself. I hate these rollercoaster emotions. Yesterday I felt like I could conquer the world.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lou said:


> I have drafted letters to send but I'm going to wait until he's collected his things and left the key. He's never been violent before but I'd rather not deal with the aftershock, and then go dark afterwards.
> 
> Definitely feeling very sorry for myself today. Why was I not enough? I know these are his demons but... I can't help but feel like crap about myself. I hate these rollercoaster emotions. Yesterday I felt like I could conquer the world.


Nobody would have been enough. If you had the heart of Mother Theresa, the body of a super model, the sex drive of a porn star, the brain of Margaret Thatcher and it still wouldn't have been enough.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

His text messages make me think I'm finally seeing remorse. They have a much different tone than before. I wish this had have come months ago. I'm so distraught today. I can't imagine what life will look like from now on...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lou said:


> I think going dark might be my only option right now. It's incredible how even though you know they're so wrong - how their words can effect you! I know I'm not in the wrong here, but they plant these toxic seeds of doubt in your head... What a mind f..k.
> 
> Of course, I'll have to get through him removing his things from my home first...


I agree with the going dark approach with him. 

You should also expose him to those who have been mentioned. 

Is he still living with you?


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with the going dark approach with him.
> 
> You should also expose him to those who have been mentioned.
> 
> Is he still living with you?


When we moved back in together after the first time, I insisted on being the only person on the lease so I couldn't be kicked out of this place (I don't really have anywhere else to go, my family doesn't live anywhere near me, while his are local). I've packed up the rest of his things and am just waiting for him to pick them up.

I'll expose after that so I don't have to deal with his anger - if he gets angry.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

What a mess.

The OW-bf was as I expected - a complete a-hole. That man is a Freudian wet dream. He called me every name in the book before I hung up on him. Funny how I'm to blame for his girlfriend's transgressions. 

His mother was horrified, tried to defend him a hundred different ways and times between tears. I'm sorry I told her. I feel awful.

When he came to get his things the other night it took every ounce of pride, strength and stubbornness I had not to cling to him and beg him to stay. I can't believe how conflicted my feelings are for him.


What now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess you do a 180/Plan B now. No contact with him. He thinks he calls the shots. He doesn't. You make the decisions in our life.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

lou said:


> What a mess.
> 
> The OW-bf was as I expected - a complete a-hole. That man is a Freudian wet dream. He called me every name in the book before I hung up on him. Funny how I'm to blame for his girlfriend's transgressions.
> 
> ...


You love the guy you thought you married. This man is not that person. Start taking care of yourself. Physical exercise is always good. Stay away from alcohol.

The roller coaster is going to continue for awhile. But the hills will get smaller and smaller until there are no more. How long, is hard to say, each person is different.

Do not feel sorry you told his family. His actions caused them pain - not you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Expose, get him out, go dark.


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