# Going out of my mind



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I made sure that Thanksgiving for my wife and the family gathering was nice. I pretended to have a good time, smiled, and even socialized. Deep down, I felt lack crap.

Today, I'm a wreck. I fell far back into my pit of guilt for having an affair. My wife is frustrated with me. She's ready to move on and recover. I feel like a fresh kill every few minutes. She's starting to get really upset now.

I couldn't even eat half my lunch. I was too busy crying in the restaurant while wearing my sunglasses (I was alone). I even tried to stay away from this forum, but here I am. It's the only outlet I have. I have no one to talk to. So this is my outlet.

I'm so lost


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So when you are deep in despair what are you saying to yourself? 

Do you want to stay married to your wife? I'm not asking what you think she wants or what you think she deserves - what do you want? Put aside emotions for a moment, take a deep breath and look forward rationally - what do you want to see?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you considered the possibility that you may be suffering from depression? You'd be wise to seek out professional counseling to help you move on.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hertoo, I ask my questions above because if you want to be married to your wife then you owe it to her to not let her see you hurt. I get the pain you're in - I really do - but you've seen that it's affecting her. She has given you a gift in forgiving you. Dammit accept it. I know sometimes you can feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest or that you want to cry like you haven't since you were a boy but dammit you can't. You have to be strong for her - to not cause her any more pain - even if it hurts you more to hold it in. Again - part of the price of cheating that if you love your wife and want to be married to her you must pay. 

Even if you're not sure what you want - which I think if you really work at you can figure out even if your heart doesn't currently agree - fake it!! Give your heart and emotions time to catch up. Your wife needs you NOW - not after you straighten yourself out. Others here will likely say that's mean if you think you may split on her but I don't think you're going to do that. Give all this energy and emotion to your wife, stop spending it on yourself. You f'd up - we all do it. Start picking up the pieces and focus on your wife - it will help to focus on someone other than yourself. Make her happy, make her believe she is the only thing in the world to you, help her deal with her own pain and demons from the affair. Make it about her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Try to get into therapy.

This isn't healthy, nor is it attractive. You effed up. BIG time. Yes. You effed up and then you didn't. That's life. That's a learning block.

Are you just worried about doing it again? Do you now not trust yourself? Or are you just upset you got caught?

I don't know, but your self-loathing seems excessive to me and I would really look into seeing a doctor. For yourself and your family's sake.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay stong, you owe it to your self. 
Never let this crap beat you, b/c you can be better then what you thought you could be.
Now is the time to be better then what you were. Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

You've done the unthinkable to the person that you love the most. You can't believe you could have done something that you never thought you could ever do, especially to someone you thought you could never hurt. 

Now here you are in front of a person that you love more than live itself being reminded every second of your mistakes. 

Yes, it's excruciatingly painful to face. It's going to take a lot of time and grieving to overcome the pain you feel inside. 

You will have to go through the stages of grief just as she will to overcome this loss of innocence that you have within yourself. However, there is hope for you. Even though you don't feel it. You will get to a level of acceptance. You will get to a point where you will be able to say, "Yes, I cheated and I know what I did was bad, but I know for a fact that I will never do anything so horrible again."

It's important to get help through that process so you can do it while still being able to help your wife through her process. 

This is so possible for both of you... 
Marcelina - Relationship Repair Coach.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I am the victim of a WH.....my question is why are you crying.....are you crying because you hurt your wife....or are you crying because you got caught and miss the OW....?
Your wife probably cries more than you realize.....You may need to pick your feelings apart and decide what you want....If you are only staying with your spouce because you think it is the right thing to do and your heart isn't in to it then you must go.....False recovery is no recovery for her.....
Why should she who is the betrayed have to put on a good face for you the betrayer.....get counceling and figure out what you want....Your wife has the right in the sight of Yahuwah/God to give you a divorce....don't dangle a false recovery in front of her....if you don't want in the marriage tell her and let her heal....dragging it out is not the answer.......


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've been thinking about what Sigma posted - do I want to stay married to my wife? Part of me says "yes" because she loves me, and the damage a divorce will do to her and my family. The other part says "no". What do I want? I want to feel love again. I need to be able to express my deepest love for someone special in my life. I cried because of what I think I see for my future - being completely alone (nor friends or family). 

My wife and I talked for a few hours yesterday. I had to force the discussion. I needed to tell her what happened, and my feelings while it was going on. She also told me that she felt strongly that something was wrong, and even my adults kids could see it and told her. During the talk, she told me that if I leave, she would die since I am "her". She pleaded with me to tell her that I won't leave. I couldn't do it since I am doubting myself. I eventually did tell her. I hope I wasn't doing it out of compassion only. 

I see the "180" being mentioned on this board quite often. There are times that I wish she would do that to me to help me make a choice, and to help her convince herself that she can survive on her own - I at least need to know that if I should unexpectedly die while we are married, that she will be okay. 

The conversation seemed to help me too. But I showed very little emotion to her crying. What does that mean? Is that good or bad? We need to continue to talk, no matter where this goes.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't stay away, you deserve the support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think my next counselor session has to be strictly on if I really love my wife or not. No, I don't hate her. I care for her, but the passion is gone. The self guilt is starting to lift somewhat, but the passion is still gone. Is it gone for good? Has it been gone for a long time an I never noticed? Or will it come back? All questions I need to answer.

I can see how my self pit wears on others, as her begging is wearing on me. Neither are attractive, or self-esteem builders. Neither is good attribute for a relationship.

I woke up today a new person. Yes, I'm still remorseful for what I did. Yes, I care for my wife. But I spent a fair amount of time yesterday looking inside of myself. I didn't like many things that I have control over. And of course, there is the stain I left inside myself that I will always see.

I told my wife that I love her when I left this morning. But this time it felt like an obligation, rather than a normal routine thing to say or heart felt. I wonder why?

As you can see, I'm analyzing myself in-depth. I need to. I finally got tired of being stuck mentally. No decisions yet. And there won't be any until my mind is clear and certain.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Don't tell her you love her after cheating on her and not being totally sure you do.

You shed tears over the potential of being alone in the future...not over what you did to her. Don't lie to her. Enough betrayal.

This is not time for waffling. Take hold of them balls and decide what it is you want.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I tell her because she asked to be told. She believes that it will become a habit and then become real. It's what she needs according to her. I've shed tears for all aspects of my affair. 

I am going to decide. But my mind has to be clear of pity and guilt based emotions, and full of facts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How much time do the two of you spend together, away from kids/housework?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

We spend most evenings together. We go to the gym and out to dinner sometimes. Weekends are always an unknown.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So what does that time look like now? It is you sitting there despondent and disconnected with your wife sitting on egg shells waiting for you to check out. Or, is it the two of you engaging one another, reconnecting and trying to find that magic again?

You can't give and receive love from anyone if you're so consumed with your own suffering that there's no room for anyone else.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It was a mixture of both. Neither felt comfortable She is definitely on egg shells. She even said that. 

As of this morning, I think it's now more of me being disconnected (or "distant" as she says), and her on egg shells. I think I'm almost done with the guilt blockage. I feel different today. Empowered to make a decision, once I get the best information.

If you asked today, I'd say that I would apologize again for the EA and the pain it has caused, explain that I no longer feel the passion for her that I did for so many years (and apologize for that as well), and tell her that I think we need to divorce. 

But again, that's without the information I need. I also need information on how to fix the marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think you're selling the marriage short - I really do. I know you know that marriage isn't always all roses - you've been married too long not to. Passion ebbs and flows, connection ebbs and flows - hell even love ebbs and flows to some degree - it's part of life. 

At least you realize that you're not in a place to make this type of decision but you are disconnecting and by disconnecting you are in a very real sense creating a self fulfilling prophecy. 

That's why I and others are telling you have to figure out what you want and drive towards it. Personally, in the absence of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that the marriage was over I would adopt the position that what I really wanted was to stay married to the woman I've built a life with over the past several decades but I just couldn't see it because of the emotional turmoil. I would then do everything in my power to save the marriage. 

You know there's lots of good people and advice here to help with fixing your marriage but the first step is going to be pretty much the same from everyone - you've got to get out of your own way.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I could not agree more. I am in the way. That includes all of my emotions as well. I know marriage is lots of work. The disconnecting ebbs and flows as well. It's also part of what I don't like about the current situation. I keep telling myself "Dammit! Make a decision!", which is followed by "But not until you are able to make a GOOD decision clearly."

I will work on saving my marriage. I owe that to myself and my wife. But the work starts with me learning about my love for my wife.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I could not agree more. I am in the way. That includes all of my emotions as well. I know marriage is lots of work. The disconnecting ebbs and flows as well. It's also part of what I don't like about the current situation. I keep telling myself "Dammit! Make a decision!", which is followed by "But not until you are able to make a GOOD decision clearly."
> 
> I will work on saving my marriage. I owe that to myself and my wife. But the work starts with me learning about my love for my wife.


We made the "decision" to write out a contract to work on various aspects of the marriage for a year. That took the immediate pressure off. It's now two years from d day and things are getting better, little by little. I now feel that we will stay together. When I first found out about his betrayal, all I wanted was to end the marriage, but that is not an easy thing to do; and now I am glad that it isn't. If you give it some time, odds are you will feel the same after a while. You both need support right now, but she needs it more than you realize. This is the worst thing that can happen to her short of death, and she needs to be able to work though her feeling about it without the constant threat that you will bug out on her. You owe her the time she needs to get her feet under her again, when she does; she may opt for separation herself, but it is a risk that is worth taking. A person's feelings after betrayal are very contradictory, and there is no predicting what will settle out after the turmoil and shock subside. In any event good luck to you both. Counseling helped us, if you have not considered it perhaps you should?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you do in those evenings? Are they away from kids? Are they watching tv or on computers?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Our evenings are short because I get home later in the evening. As I mentioned, we usually go to the gym for an hour. And then, we either get a dinner and bring it home, or I cook dinner when we get home. Then take a shower and go to bed. On the evenings we don't go, there's a mix of doing some minor chores around the house, rarely watching TV (usually in different rooms because we don't like the same programming), she takes a bath and reads, any other menial things. Some evenings during the month, she has work meetings or a club meeting to attend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what I thought. Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's theory of spending 10-15 hours together each week doing non-work/household/childcare things as a necessity to keep or rekindle love? 

Think about when you were dating. The more you got to know each other, the more time you wanted to spend together, and that time wasn't spent doing ritual things - you went out of your way to just 'be' together. That's how you get the love vibes going - being all about each other. 

You need to shake up your lives if you want to fall in love again. Start finding ways to spend more time together: sit down for a cup of coffee in the morning and just catch up; take a couple hours off work some day and meet her for lunch; plan a weekend getaway; walk to the store instead of driving, so you have time to talk to each other unencumbered. If you can't put in the time, you won't get the feelings.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good advice turnera - for all of us.


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