# Should I talk to her?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My STBX and I have seperated with minimal contact either then co-parenting and no reconciliation plans for the last 3 months. She's evidently become completely cold, and I didn't push it. I needed the time anyway, and I guess she realised she needed it too.

But sometimes I wonder what has been going on for the last 3 months, if she went to counselling, or if she's still mad at me, or whatever. She seems to be in a bad way since V-day. We were best friends once, then everything went to hell, I wonder if we should clear the air.

Or does that make me seem weak/pathetic/etc to initiate a catchup with my STBX? We have about 7 months to go before we can legally divorce. Besides, I'm having difficulty moving on, if I learn that she has already moved on it would make things easier. Too many what ifs in my head... so should I talk to her?


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

Nothing to do with appearing weak or pathetic etc
You were best friends once and together married. Not any more.

It's understandable for you to wonder what's going on with her and you're looking for excuses to justify a conversation.
Just my opinion, but the air may not need cleared. And really, what does that mean..

Of course it's difficult to move on. Finding, or thinking you'll find out she's moved on. How does that enable you? Easier to switch off from her? 

Maybe it'll be jabbing at wounds to find out.

Maybe she hasn't moved on at all. And what difference would it make to discover that?

Unless you have reconciliation in mind. I don't think it's a good idea.
You're going through a process, you're feelings/ musings are normal.

Live a little with some smog, won't do any harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, a part of me still hopes that she is going to change. And I don't know what has been going on for the last 3 months, whether there is still hope or not. If she hasn't changed and/or she has already moved on it would be easier yes - I will be able to justify giving up on her.

I'm having difficulty doing that while everything's a fog. I'm also having difficulty capitalising on opportunities with other women because I haven't fully given up on her yet - I'm still hanging onto hope. But if she already has someone else banging her then I won't have anything stopping me.

I don't know =/


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you want to talk to her, talk to her. Your call.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Alright, I'll think of something before the weekend. I hope I'm not re-opening Pandora's box though but hell, guess you're right, I'm going to be stuck until I find out where we stand and if we are to continue our seperate ways or if there's even a chance of reconciliation. Besides I need to talk to her indepth about plans for our daughter for her bday and beyond anyway.

Despite her issues, a part of me just feels like all of this was such a waste, 7 years. And throughout it all although she has proven to be manipulative, self-centered and demanding when it comes to sex, she has also proven to have been a loyal wife, a good mother, and non-materialistic. It's not easy to find a combination like that in Sydney.

I want to know if I let her go, I won't live to regret it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I personally dont see that it would be a problem, but I also wouldn't concoct some strange reason to make the call.

I'd be 100% honest, I called to see how your doing, I've been thinking about you and us? Feel like talking a bit?

That small sentence is either gonna open her up, or she'll slam the door closed for a time longer. Now for the hard part, LISTEN to what she has to say, and prepare yourself that whatever she says your gonna be ok with. The game is still very early actually, Don't do/say anything that you'll regret later. 

That my 2cents.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

"thinking about you" and the word "us" seems inappropriate don't you think? =/


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Nope, not if you want to know where you stand. Like I said, your gonna know one way or the other really fast.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Not inappropriate. You two have been together all that time, it would be weird if you didn't think of her and "us". 

I think Thumper is right.... either she will start talking, or shut down the conversation for whatever reason. 

If she does open up, you do have to listen. See if you can figure out where her head is. You don't have to agree to anything. You can say something like "I'm glad we had this talk, it's given me some things to think about". (If it does) I think it is a good thing to "check in".... it might suck, it might be stupid, it might just be lame. 

I had a few of these conversations with ex, and I felt the same way like I would be opening myself up for some hurt, or anger or something. So I'd prepare myself mentally..... imagining every different outcome to the conversation, trying not to be blindsided. It worked. I was in control of my emotions no matter what he came out with. 

Bottom line is, do whatever works for YOU. You have to figure out your stuff and your life, your direction. Do what you feel like you need to do.

Good luck!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Alright, I'll talk to her tonight, give her a call later for quick chat unless she would prefer to join our daughter and I for the weekend (which my daughter would appreciate alot - but we've been getting her used to co-parenting)


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

RandomDude:

I know you're wondering if SHE's had counseling....HAVE YOU?

I know SHE was manipulative and controlling about sex....and YOU allowed it.

I know you're wondering about whether SHE has 'moved on'....YOU seem more focused on moving on to the next woman to bang rather than acknowledging/accepting/fixing the things that are wrong with YOU so that YOU will have DIFFERENT, BETTER, HEALTHER relationships in the future!

If you want to model such relationships for your daughter, then quiet, ALONE, thoughtful contemplation and HARD WORK on yourself should be your next step. I'm not against recreational sex; just make sure YOU'RE not trying to find a NEW relationship until you fix what it is about YOU that caused you to be in the last messed-up one!

Good luck!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok, well, she doesn't want to talk lol. She's very reluctant, told me that she didn't think it was a good idea; so I dropped it only to have her call me back half an hour later asking why I called her out of the blue after 3 months of minimal exchange. *sigh* Did I really have to explain myself? Bah, oh well...

Anyways I told her I was tired of the tension everytime I came over to pick (our daughter) up and wanted to clear the air. She replied that she thought we're cool, I told her that we are, then she asked "so why did you call me? really?" So I repeated myself, and she ended up excusing herself, and passed the phone to my daughter... :scratchhead: oh well, I don't know what to assume.

Anyways, I'll see her again tomorrow morning as usual anyways.

@SGW

As for my own mistakes in my marriage I've already owned up to it, many of which I already owned up a while back but it was too late to save my marriage. Regardless I'm fine, and I'm not looking for a new relationship. I already have acquired a few options for casual sex available at present but I can't find it within myself to do anything with them unless my STBX and I have reached satisfactory closure.

But with tonight, I think she's still p-ssed, or something. I don't know
So much for closure, bah!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*hugs* RandomDude:

Sometimes 'closure' his VERY hard to come by! Sometimes 'acceptance' is the best you're gonna get!

Do what you HAVE to do for you and for your daughter. The rest WILL sort itself out in time....may take a year or more....but all the more reason to make your happiness NOW!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> . . . She replied that she thought we're cool, I told her that we are, then she asked "so why did you call me? really?" . . .


Even though we’ve gone our separate ways, you’re still the mother of our child and I care about how you’re doing.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

At this point, I think if it were me I would file Monday morning, but I haven't walked in your shoes either. I hope you find peace very soon.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, maybe im the hopeless optimist here. She called you back 30 minutes later, to see if you could be honest and spill your heart out for once? Now I haven't read your back story, but did it involve you and her drifting apart? You not being there for her? Too much time with friends but not with her?

Sounds to me like she opened the door back up, and was waiting for an apology first. Did you ask how she was doing? Sounds like you passed the buck, making it about your daughter. If you want to know where you and her stand, then that needs to be the focus of your conversation. 

I wouldn't be embarrassed to ask if we could talk about us, if i'd given her enough time to calm down and talk about us. That ou'd been thinking about the mistakes you'd made, and wanted to know if there was a chance? 

Anyways, I could be wrong, but I would have made it about her and not your daughter. You made her feel secondary imho.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, well, I guess I didn't really know what to say to her after 3 months. Oh well, I'll see her again tomorrow morning when she comes to pick up our daughter. I hesitated today, so should I try again?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Stupid me wrong button. Deleted


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

After going back and reading a little back story, this is difficult to give advice on. You've spent almost 3 years complaining about your sex heavy marriage, been pushing your wife away. She finally took the advice you'd been giving her, and she left.
So why do u want the marriage to work now? What is it that she could do or say that would make a difference for you now? What changes are you willing to make as a compromise? You sound pretty unhappy, or even disconnected in many of your own posts. There was no way to go thru your almost 5k posts. So I know I don't have the whole story here, but what is it that u want exactly?
You say your self employed, long days, tired a lot, but you come to this site, complain about your wife, then complain about the possible repercussions of the complaints. It was a bit hard to see what it was you were really hoping to accomplish.
Now I realize I barely scratched the surface of your issues with the reading I did do, and I'm not trying to pick a side here. I just can't see a way that you and your wife ever got along? The sex was a critical way of her attachment to you, and you almost punished (telling her to plz cheat,film it, bring him home) her for it in a way that drove a huge wedge between you.
I think you finally broke her to a point that she can no longer trust you with her feelings. Your gonna miss eventually exactly what you had in my opinion. 
You complained that it was all to much, now your complaint that it's not enough. I would be, and I am, confused to what it is exactly that you want. Anyways sorry I don't have the whole story, these comments are more of questions to ask yourself, not give to me. I hope both of you can get to a place your not damaging yourselves, or each other. Good luck, to both of you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've stopped pushing her away over the last few years since joining this forum, the problem then was trying to enforce boundaries when it wasn't part of our established dynamic, that in addition to the past hurts I inflicted on her as well as her sexual views led our failed marriage. As for what I want, I just want closure so I can move on with a clear conscience.

As for my STBX and I getting along, we actually were quite a couple before marriage (and before she became deep into religion), and even during marriage we did have many memorable times, combined with the dramas of course but it was a rollercoaster of sorts. 

Either way, it's done, I just want to set her free and vice versa but on a good note so we can still be mates - we were very close once, and we see each other weekly thanks to co-parenting so it would be nice if the boat stops rocking if you know what I mean.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok guys, I reckon today would be a good day to try again, any last minute advice? I'm planning to try over lunch


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I always recommend, that if your afraid to get side tracked or tongue tied, hand write personal letter, hand it over, and sit back and watch the reactions as they read it. Don't hold back now, this may be your LAST chance, don't be afraid that she's going to shoot you down either. Least you leave it all on the table, you gave it your all. 

Lay your emotions out there, admit to your mistakes, point out the qualities that you love and miss about her. If you don't you'll regret not doing it latter.

Good luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know if she would respond well to that, it seems rather impersonal =/
Also wouldn't laying my emotions out be a little awkward? Besides my emotions are pretty much all over the place and mostly in lockdown. Maybe not a good idea no?

Though its a good idea to admit to my mistakes and try to point out the things that I do appreciate about her - keeping everything civil during our seperation is something I definitely DO appreciate about her. Thanks, let's hope I don't screw this up


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok guys, well, it worked. I wasn't so wishy washy this time and she finally accepted to meet up. It was obvious she had alot of steam inside, she was very sarcastic and bitter. She told me that she's content without me in her life and that she doesn't see the need for us to become friendly as we already have established arrangements and our daughter is getting used to them. Well, I guess 3 months was enough for her to see that. I didn't expect anything from her so I wasn't at all surprised.

I told her that if she wants space, I'm not going to intrude in that, she's her own woman now. But that I also hold no ill will towards her, come to respect her for her contributions to our daughter despite the circumstances, and considering she has been honorable throughout our seperation regardless of the hiccups. I told her that I'm sorry for my part to play in all of this. That softened her up a bit, as she eventually opened up, and told me that we can't be friends because our problems were there when we were together and now that we aren't - we can't fix them and it's already driven a wedge between us, and that she doesn't know me anymore, nor see us ever becoming friends again.

I asked her, after the last three months that she must be thinking with a much clearer head (I lied, I just wanted to see what she would say), and asked her why we can't settle our differences, and if the divide was too great that we have to live with this resentment for the rest of our lives which our daughter will most certainly be observing.

She gave me some generic reasons why she believes a friendship is no longer salvable, most being the amount of hurt that I caused her. She told me that I've "killed" her (why she chose that word I don't know), that she tried so hard over the years but got no where with me and that her efforts were not seen, that I always complained about the bad things instead of encouraging her when she does put in an effort, and that I then complain about why she's not exactly encouraged to put in anymore effort, etc etc. She told me that she knows she's made alot of mistakes, but she has overlooked alot of mine and that I wasn't as lenient. She says that I was the only man she opened herself up with completely, was honest with me and never hid anything from me, but that I always had something to hide from her, and that I made her feel inadequate, unloved, and unappreciated for her efforts.

She said that she's not blaming me for everything but that I have broken her heart in more ways then one, and that friendship is no longer possible. I didn't want to argue with her, so I thanked her for her honesty, and went back to 'business talk'. So that's that...

Well, it's closure of a sort...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So anything you guys can pick from the little chat? I didn't say anything back as I wanted to listen - its been 3 months, and I didn't want to risk burning bridges. Looks like she's moved on though

Is this the best I can expect? Should I be content with this and continue on accepting this resolution?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

It all depends on if your ready to give up or not. Are you fixing the issues she has with you?
First off, its not over till you have divorce papers handed to you. And even then its not neccasarily over. Second, im glad you just listened and let her vent, now give her some time, and ask her again in a week or so if you can chat again. Tell her your not ready to give up on the marriage yet, and that your still working on your issues. That your a work in progress. That you don't expect much of an effort from her yet, until some of your own issues are under control. But, you'd like a try to address the marriage again. And that hopefully she could forgive some of your actions in the past.

Then again, you could just say screw it, I don't want to try anymore. This is as much about you, as it is her. I tell people give it EVERYTHING till theres nothing left to give, or you've been told forget it, theres ZERO chance and the divorce papers are waiting for your autograph.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, to be honest, I've pretty much already given up. I just wanted closure and possible friendship as we were best mates once... but I guess this is it then.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*sigh* Been thinking... about what you said, about what she said, about the current state of affairs. Maybe I'll have to lay down my pride, and give her a final letter, setting her free. I've made alot of mistakes and as my STBX said, our problems between us are unfixable. We've seperated, we've moved on. My problems though, I would have to work on, even if I'm no longer interested in relationships. Have to overcome my own guilt at what I've done.

Yet I just don't know, she said she felt unappreciated, yet when it comes to what stopped us reconciling... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67678-v-day-sex-fight.html
These things were big, big enough to make it extremely difficult to forgive and let slide. She said she let alot of things slide and yes, she did, but could I have really let what she did slide? Yes, she's been loyal, yes, she's been transparent... just all this.

*sigh*


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