# Feeling guilty because I'm chatting with other men



## K_reyna (Jul 7, 2021)

Hello! I posted a few times already on this forum about the issues I have in my relationship. Recently me and my partner were trying to work harder to save the relationship. After a short period of time of improvement things had gotten bad again so we are rarely sleeping together, not spending so much time together, he has days when he's working a lot and we don't even meet at all, and those times I would literally just cry,it got me depressed. I'm attached to him, I love him and I wanna make it work. He wants it too but it's mostly words than actions and I couldn't stand it anymore and started chatting with other men. I got the attention that I rarely got from him, and I felt more happy until I started feeling guilty. I wanted attention from him, I don't want to feel just half in the relationship and he can push me away anytime when he's not in the mood for me. That's just not fair. We don't wanna break up, we still love each other so much even if so far looks like we are uncompatible. Don't get me wrong, it's not everything so dark because we have enough moments when we truly enjoy the time together and those moments are pure gold but there's also a lot bad. Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

First STOP talking with other men. That is a very bad path. Yes he would probably leave you due to what you are doing -- it would certain hurt him tremendously and break all trust.
Second, if you really want this -- YOU BOTH NEED TO TALK. Going to a marriage counselor can help you both figure out how to be better communicators. Many times folks just get in to really bad habits with each other. Men especially figure they already put in the work and "won" by getting married. Many then tend to focus a boat load on WORK instead of real life. Sucks, but that is the way it is.
You need to get with someone who can mediate discussions and help you both realize how to really talk.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell him specifically what you need from him. If he can’t give you what you want then end it.

Until you end it - stop ruining the relationship by communicating with other men - that’s just mean and selfish and not fair to him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have started 11 threads discussing your husband. It would be helpful for you to keep posting on one thread so members can get a more clear picture of what is happening in your marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

K_reyna said:


> Hello! I posted a few times already on this forum about the issues I have in my relationship. Recently me and my partner were trying to work harder to save the relationship. After a short period of time of improvement things had gotten bad again so we are rarely sleeping together, not spending so much time together, he has days when he's working a lot and we don't even meet at all, and those times I would literally just cry,it got me depressed. I'm attached to him, I love him and I wanna make it work. He wants it too but it's mostly words than actions and I couldn't stand it anymore and *started chatting with other men. I got the attention that I rarely got from him, and I felt more happy *until I started feeling guilty. I wanted attention from him, I don't want to feel just half in the relationship and he can push me away anytime when he's not in the mood for me. That's just not fair. We don't wanna break up, we still love each other so much even if so far looks like we are uncompatible. Don't get me wrong, it's not everything so dark because we have enough moments when we truly enjoy the time together and those moments are pure gold but there's also a lot bad. Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


this is probably the reason that more than 50% of people start to cheat. they are getting ignored at home, find someone to talk with, that person is interesting AND interested in them, they say they find you sexy, eventually get around to talking about how horrible your partner is, how your partner does not fulfill your sexual needs that you deserve fulfilled....
and then it is an easy decision to meet up at the no-tell motel, and finish the deed.

but afterward, you feel dirty about it, you in fact are lying to your partner, and disrespecting the relationship in a way that people SELDOM recover from.

If the two of you can not work it out....how about involving a professional to help? it might just require a few changes in the both of you before you get back onto that path of improvement! Maybe it is as simple as you two not communicating...you feel he is ignoring you, but he feels he is showing his love for you by working extra hard at work to get a promotion so you can live worry free financially.

who knows, but it sounds that the two of you tried, and ended up at a dead end...seek out some professional help.

AND realize, the guy hitting on you is probably just conning you to get into your pants. After the two of you have hooked up a few times, he will ghost you because the thrill of conquering you is gone now....he will be looking for someone new to con.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The clock is ticking down.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

At the risk of being deleted as a threadjack, I will share a story from my own life.

I had a close friend who was struggling with infertility. Sex had become work for them, because they were trying so hard to get pregnant and they had to at certain times, etc, and they weren't having any success so all the joy had gone out of it for them. She started chatting with a male co-worker. Fast forward 3 months and her husband discovers her chats (her work computer left unlocked) and they almost divorced over it. She says it was never physical but admits it was chat/phone sex. They did stay together and he is HORRIBLE to her. He tortures her constantly. She isn't allowed to go on girl's trips any more. She isn't allowed to work. She isn't allowed to be anywhere if he doesn't know where she is and who she is with. If he texts her and she doesn't respond IMMEDIATELY, all h3II breaks loose. He drinks on the weekends and humiliates her in front of his entire family, which are incidentally the only friends (besides me) that she is allowed to have. (I'm a big fidelity person. Her husband trusts me because he knows how I feel about cheating and honestly, I love her and I'm always on her team but I did tell her I was VERY disappointed in her). Her marriage is MISERABLE.

You are playing with fire. There is NO upside to this. STOP IT. You're going to ruin your life, and I promise, it is NOT worth it. Also remember, if someone will cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you.


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

K_reyna said:


> Hello! I posted a few times already on this forum about the issues I have in my relationship. Recently me and my partner were trying to work harder to save the relationship. After a short period of time of improvement things had gotten bad again so we are rarely sleeping together, not spending so much time together, he has days when he's working a lot and we don't even meet at all, and those times I would literally just cry,it got me depressed. I'm attached to him, I love him and I wanna make it work. He wants it too but it's mostly words than actions and I couldn't stand it anymore and started chatting with other men. I got the attention that I rarely got from him, and I felt more happy until I started feeling guilty. I wanted attention from him, I don't want to feel just half in the relationship and he can push me away anytime when he's not in the mood for me. That's just not fair. We don't wanna break up, we still love each other so much even if so far looks like we are uncompatible. Don't get me wrong, it's not everything so dark because we have enough moments when we truly enjoy the time together and those moments are pure gold but there's also a lot bad. Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


What do you chat about with these other men? Is it just everyday doings? Or is it sexual chatting? You are using the chatting to fulfill what you are missing. You need to decide if your husband is the one. Marriage is not a part time job and you have your needs


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## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

I think that the fact your turning to other men indicates that there are big things missing in your relationship . I am not going to pass judgements on yoh for talking to people but I would say that it’s muddying the water . 
You need to take a good look at the marriage and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life 
It sounds like you’ve tried to get things on track with your husband and he seems to be more interested in work? It’s not always about ‘ needing the money ‘ Some people can be workaholics . Only you know if that’s the case with him 
If it is , that can be a horrible feelings so I get why your turning to others . Ultimately though it’s making you feel crappy . It would be best to put the chat aside in order to clear you own mind as right now it’s serving as a distraction and enabling you to continue in an unhappy marriage 
Some time alone or just dropping the chat ( even if that means your lonely as he’s working or not interested in connecting ) will help you to make a decision about your marriage 
I’m sorry you are experiencing this.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


But why is this less acceptable....?
Both things and each separate one are quite enough reasons to end a relatioship. Moreover, IMO they should.

To compare them is a mind acrobacy to justify one with the other.

There was a old song saying that a certain man was quite lucky as he was hit by five bullets but only one of them killed him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Obviously, this is unsustainable. If you want to make it work but can only get his attention when he knows he has competition, he's not all that interested in you and is likely looking at other women too. 

To me, you alone can't make this work. He has to want to as well, not just keep you from wanting to see other men out of possessiveness. That's not the same as love. It's just greed. 

If you want a commitment but he doesn't, which is what it sounds like, then you don't have a commitment, so I say see other guys as much as you want. If he wants a commitment, then stop seeing other guys if you haven't met someone by then who isn't as much work as this guy to keep him interested. But what you don't do is pretend to have a commitment whether he's committed or not and then be faithful to him hoping this will magically make him commit. Be realistic. Do you have a commitment between you that he himself as voiced you are committed? If not, you don't have one and are under no obligation and would probably do better dating around, but don't just do it sneaky. If there's no commitment, iterate to him that since you're not committed, you'll be seeing other guys and he is free, as usual, to pursue other women. Don't be a liar about it. It's your right if there's no commitment he's agreed to. 

If he did establish a commitment but is just acting like he doesn't actually have one, then to me, that's just to keep you from doing other guys, but it requires a formal "I don't feel this commitment is solid" talk. If he has established a commitment and thinks he's doing all he should do to spend time with you and treat you well and get you introduced to family and friends, but he's just coming up short by your standards, then you have to face reality that he's not the guy for you because you want more than he does. But what you don't do is just cheat on him by mixing with other guys you might get interested in without freeing yourself first. 

What could this guy do to make you think he was worth being faithful and be enough for you? What is missing?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are chatting with others to feed your ego. You are using those people and betraying your partner. Is that the kind of relationship you aspire for?
If not then stop ruining it on purpose!


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## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

I don’t agree you are ‘ruining it on purpose ‘ op . Seems he is doing the ruining by being totally uninvested. The talking to other men doesn’t help but it doesn’t sound likely the relationship would be fine if not for the chatting


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Whatonearth said:


> I don’t agree you are ‘ruining it on purpose ‘ op . Seems he is doing the ruining by being totally uninvested. The talking to other men doesn’t help but it doesn’t sound likely the relationship would be fine if not for the chatting


Yet the OP is only responsible for how she participates (or He if he’s a male). 
To try and blame the other partner for bad behavior - that’s just wrong. no one made this OP start chatting with others. 
And justifying bad behavior doesn’t make any of it right or good.

If you don’t like the way your partner participates within the relationship then end it… THEN you can flirt with who ever you want to.


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## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

I’m not saying the OP isn’t responsible for talking to others . I’m saying that is not the sole reason the relationship is having issues . Sounds like it was having issues well before that and that her partner is unwilling to work together to resolve them 
I can’t see how her talking to others is ‘ ruining ‘ a relationship that had major issues prior . Sure it’s not helping but it’s not the factor ruining an otherwise good relationship was my point 
As I said the op would be best to stop the chat and decide what she wants to do about her relationship . I don’t think anyone has disagreed with that


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

K_reyna said:


> Hello! I posted a few times already on this forum about the issues I have in my relationship. Recently me and my partner were trying to work harder to save the relationship. After a short period of time of improvement things had gotten bad again so we are rarely sleeping together, not spending so much time together, he has days when he's working a lot and we don't even meet at all, and those times I would literally just cry,it got me depressed. I'm attached to him, I love him and I wanna make it work. He wants it too but it's mostly words than actions and I couldn't stand it anymore and started chatting with other men. I got the attention that I rarely got from him, and I felt more happy until I started feeling guilty. I wanted attention from him, I don't want to feel just half in the relationship and he can push me away anytime when he's not in the mood for me. That's just not fair. We don't wanna break up, we still love each other so much even if so far looks like we are uncompatible. Don't get me wrong, it's not everything so dark because we have enough moments when we truly enjoy the time together and those moments are pure gold but there's also a lot bad. Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


Pick a hobby that you are both willing to do. If you don't have any shared interests, trade off. Engage in his hobby first, and ask him to engage in yours second. 

I do this with my wife a lot. Usually works out pretty well. Just don't be a sourpuss when you are engaging in his hobby... That ruins it.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

K_reyna said:


> Hello! I posted a few times already on this forum about the issues I have in my relationship. Recently me and my partner were trying to work harder to save the relationship. After a short period of time of improvement things had gotten bad again so we are rarely sleeping together, not spending so much time together, he has days when he's working a lot and we don't even meet at all, and those times I would literally just cry,it got me depressed. I'm attached to him, I love him and I wanna make it work. He wants it too but it's mostly words than actions and I couldn't stand it anymore and started chatting with other men. I got the attention that I rarely got from him, and I felt more happy until I started feeling guilty. I wanted attention from him, I don't want to feel just half in the relationship and he can push me away anytime when he's not in the mood for me. That's just not fair. We don't wanna break up, we still love each other so much even if so far looks like we are uncompatible. Don't get me wrong, it's not everything so dark because we have enough moments when we truly enjoy the time together and those moments are pure gold but there's also a lot bad. Although, I think that if he would find out about what I'm doing then he would leave me. But why is this less acceptable than him ignoring me when I need him?


Please tell man what you need. You don't ask yoy never get!!! Read Gottman's books on marriage- all of them,


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"I love him" but "I don't get attention from him" so I talk to other men". How old are you? This sounds like someone who's in high school.

Either learn how to communicate with one another or break up.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

sideways said:


> "I love him" but "I don't get attention from him" so I talk to other men". How old are you? This sounds like someone who's in high school.
> 
> Either learn how to communicate with one another or break up.


I am 57 dwm, a lot of experience in marital therapy, educated, Relationships are important. It's hard when in love, at times, to get needs met. Turn to the lord for guidance. 
Talking to men is going to get you in bed with one of them. The attention will wipe out will power to be unfaithful
Thanks for responding.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

David60525 said:


> I am 57 dwm, a lot of experience in marital therapy, educated, Relationships are important. It's hard when in love, at times, to get needs met. Turn to the lord for guidance.
> Talking to men is going to get you in bed with one of them. The attention will wipe out will power to be unfaithful
> Thanks for responding.


I mean faithful


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You shouldn’t NEED another person to be satisfied - you should be capable of getting happiness FROM YOURSELF!
And if you can’t - you aren’t offering a full form of yourself to any person you may be with.
In that case - be alone until you learn how to be happy on your own!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> You shouldn’t NEED another person to be satisfied - you should be capable of getting happiness FROM YOURSELF!
> And if you can’t - you aren’t offering a full form of yourself to any person you may be with.
> In that case - be alone until you learn how to be happy on your own!


Thank you so true.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

@M_rena, have you discussed this chatting with your husband.
if you two have tried to get things back on track, and it is not working (at least for now), maybe you can ask your husband for permission to chat with these men. lay out the ground rules, so he knows what he is agreeing to. for instance, is it text only, or can you cam with other men? are there any topics you can not discuss. Can you engage in online sex with these men? and so on.

it might be a way to brighten up your life so that the sporadic attention you ARE getting from your husband will be enough.

it is worth an ask. I would recommend you not continue chatting with these men without some sort of permission from him though. otherwise you do not know how he will react when he finds you chatting.


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