# Gaslighting....



## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

It seems so common that betrayed spouses are gaslit over and over.
I know in my case it happened many, many times.
I know if a stranger gaslit me, a co-worker or even a friend did it to me I would call it out in an instant. 
Why, when it is blatantly obvious a spouse is doing it, do we question our own sanity?
I am finding it difficult to forgive myself for the hours I spent dissecting obvious lies. Trying to extract logic and truth.
I’m wondering what were some of the worst lies some of y’all examined and re-examined to try and make them plausable...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think the key for you is to become empowered. 

I suggest you stop trying to forgive yourself and really focus on learning how to avoid being in these situations and people moving forward. In this way you will be proactive which will make you feel more in control of your situation and empowered. 

If this continually happens to you, you probably need to get some counseling and learn some signs to weed out these people. You need to protect yourself to avoid getting involved with another person like your ex.

Once you feel safe you I suspect your past won't bother you so much.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

You read so much about forgiveness and how it heals. For me, where I am today, it feels like I need to make amends to myself. The largest transgression was ignoring my gut because I could not believe someone could be so cruel. Empowerment is absolutely what I seek but there are times when the past creeps in.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Torn don't allow him to try to control the narrative, don't allow him to say anything that does not specifically answer the questions you ask and anything else you shut it down and walk away, eventually he will understand that you are in control.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Torn don't allow him to try to control the narrative, don't allow him to say anything that does not specifically answer the questions you ask and anything else you shut it down and walk away, eventually he will understand that you are in control.


I don’t even ask questions anymore. He has told so many lies, spun so many stories over the last 3 years he can’t even keep track of them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> You read so much about forgiveness and how it heals. For me, where I am today, it feels like I need to make amends to myself. The largest transgression was ignoring my gut because I could not believe someone could be so cruel. Empowerment is absolutely what I seek but there are times when the past creeps in.


I suggest that you judge yourself on your motives, not so much on your actions or even the end result. You motives were pure and you were operating without all the information you have today. You were nobly trying to honor your vows and save your marriage. The thing with that is, in general it's not a losing strategy when you marry the right person, it's exactly what you need to do to have a good marriage. So you are not foolish to pursue it. 

I always say this but I think it's true, at least 90% of a successful marriage is really who you marry. This is why it makes sense to judge yourself on your actions in the marriage (and really any relationship.) You can only control yourself. 

Going forward it may be a good idea to make sure you have the skills to collect as much information you can so you can make more informed decisions.

Make sure you picker is strong, and if you did stay too long in the old relationship, then change that moving forward. Before you are in a relationship with anyone else have strong boundaries deal beakers that are non-negotiable. Make these core values in your life. The hard thing is to be able to turn off your emotion and follow the plan that you set up before you were in the relationship if lines are crossed in a relationship. This is why making them core values is important because if you live your whole life with them as a guide, they become so much a part of you that going against them is very hard. 

I tend to believe if it was a deal breaker before you got married it will still be a deal breaker after you are. So if you try to live with what was always a deal breaker in your mind you are really setting yourself up for failure because now the tenants of the relationship actually go against your core beliefs and is destined to fail or just be miserable. I also believe this protects you so you don't get stuck in a dead marriage. So you don't even worry about your worth or self esteem. So don't make decisions from emotions during a time when you are at your most emotionally vulnerable or injured.

It's like practicing a fire drill, it's like emotional muscle memory.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Thank you sokillme. I have zero intentions on being in another relationship right now. That is not to say once my husband is gone I may not date but I think I have had my fill of anything more than “Thanks for the nice evening”
Like people retire from their professional lives I will retire from ever being a wife again. 😂


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Someone on this forum told me when I was in the same position that "you can't argue with crazy." So don't. You KNOW they are wrong and are trying to spin things to make themself feel or look better to others or themself. Don't get sucked in. Limit your conversation with him. If he brings stuff up you don't want to talk about that you know is bull, say "Can't talk right now. I need to (do whatever task - fix the car, cook dinner, grab the laundry out the dryer, mow the lawn, whatever chores you do regularly )." And go to another room to do it. Unless it's about your kids, or finances DO NOT engage. Don't let him suck you into conversations. Have faith in your ability to see red flags. A person's intuition is sometimes wrong, but for the most part, if something sounds like some crazy bull&(^, it usually is. Don't give him the satistfaction of letting him know he is getting to you. Just disengage. Like you would with a person in a foil hat in a parking lot trying to start a conversation with you about how the space aliens are trying to steal your thoughts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> Thank you sokillme. I have zero intentions on being in another relationship right now. That is not to say once my husband is gone I may not date but I think I have had my fill of anything more than “Thanks for the nice evening”
> Like people retire from their professional lives I will retire from ever being a wife again. 😂


Which could be a loss for some good man out there, and it will all be your husband's doing which would be a tragedy.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> It seems so common that betrayed spouses are gaslit over and over.
> I know in my case it happened many, many times.
> I know if a stranger gaslit me, a co-worker or even a friend did it to me I would call it out in an instant.
> Why, when it is blatantly obvious a spouse is doing it, do we question our own sanity?
> ...


I never really bought into the gaslighting, sometimes it made me super defensive and angry. I knew I was being lied to, I just didn’t know it was gaslighting until I began to see a counselor and had it defined in crayon. I thought it was just him being an a-hole.

Here is the bright side... I can smell it like **** on the bottom of my shoe now and I will NEVER allow a hint of gaslighting again. From anyone. My B.S. meter is on high alert and my tolerance for B.S. is dead. And that’s a good thing. 

Im not sure why you beat yourself up for all of this. It’s like saying “I’ll never forgive myself for being stabbed where I didn’t think to put armor.” Stitch the wound, put on some iron and move forward.

I think what you are having a hard time with is that you are back to square one and you hate being there, so you blame yourself. Your husband isn’t reconciliation material and you are still with him. That’s what is eating at you. When you have your plan and start taking action... I think you’ll feel much better.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> It seems so common that betrayed spouses are gaslit over and over.
> I know in my case it happened many, many times.
> I know if a stranger gaslit me, a co-worker or even a friend did it to me I would call it out in an instant.
> Why, when it is blatantly obvious a spouse is doing it, do we question our own sanity?
> ...


For me, it was hard to face up to my mistake in thinking my exH loved me and shared the same morals and values like he "said". I wanted to believe him, b/c that meant my life was not a lie, my dream of a 50-year marriage would not be ground into dust.

The truth of the matter is, those questions you're asking no longer matter. What is an answer going to change now? When I could not deny the evidence in front of me, I had no choice but to leave. Adultery, and condoning it is against my moral code, lingering and effectively supporting a known liar and adulterer mocks both God's and man's laws and ethics. 

The only question that remains is what's important to you?


Torninhalf said:


> You read so much about forgiveness and how it heals. For me, where I am today, it feels like I need to make amends to myself. The largest transgression was ignoring my gut because I could not believe someone could be so cruel. Empowerment is absolutely what I seek but there are times when the past creeps in.


What is there to forgive? You're a compassionate, loyal person who simply made the mistake of judging other people's actions and motivations by your standards. I'm still trying to make peace with myself, and I'm learning that it's in my best interest not to condone situations that compromise that and make me "feel wrong". 

Anyway, the only way to make amends to yourself is to live authentically, you're still living a lie. 



Torninhalf said:


> I don’t even ask questions anymore. He has told so many lies, spun so many stories over the last 3 years he can’t even keep track of them.


Hmm... what's wrong with this picture?


Torninhalf said:


> Thank you sokillme. I have zero intentions on being in another relationship right now. That is not to say once my husband is gone I may not date but I think I have had my fill of anything more than “Thanks for the nice evening”
> Like people retire from their professional lives I will retire from ever being a wife again. 😂


What did I say about "never say never"  You know the saying, "We make plans, then God's laughs"?


QuietRiot said:


> I never really bought into the gaslighting, sometimes it made me super defensive and angry. I knew I was being lied to, I just didn’t know it was gaslighting until I began to see a counselor and had it defined in crayon. I thought it was just him being an a-hole.
> 
> Here is the bright side... I can smell it like **** on the bottom of my shoe now and I will NEVER allow a hint of gaslighting again. From anyone. My B.S. meter is on high alert and my tolerance for B.S. is dead. And that’s a good thing.
> 
> ...


Torn, I hope you see that you're not alone in this. QuietRiot and I have both been where you are, harboring similar thoughts. Girl, I thought something was wrong with _me_, I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist, because something didn't sit right with me.

It really freaking sucks to start over. ****, this was my 2nd marriage, and it rankles me to no end it failed. The only thing to do is chalk it up to life experience, work on yourself and try your best not to repeat previous mistakes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> It seems so common that betrayed spouses are gaslit over and over.
> I know in my case it happened many, many times.
> I know if a stranger gaslit me, a co-worker or even a friend did it to me I would call it out in an instant.
> Why, when it is blatantly obvious a spouse is doing it, do we question our own sanity?
> ...


Because part of you wants everything to be okay. Part of you wants to believe he's not that big of an a****. And for another reason, gaslighting is a tricky manipulation. A lot of people don't ever see through it, just as a lot of people don't see through other types of manipulation. You want to think the best of a person.


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