# Positive experience w/ counseling?



## aeapes

Wow, it's almost depressing looking here. Most people are complaing or struggling with counseling. Has anyone had it work for them? Please tell me there is hope


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## 827Aug

Hope only exists when BOTH parties want to reconcile. Marriage counseling isn't going to work when only one party wants to salvage the marriage. That's the reality I faced. Although our marriage counselor was incompetent, counseling was doomed from the beginning because my estranged husband stated at the first session he was there to get an amicable divorce. After three sessions I was done. My estranged husband was busy partying and seeing other women during the time we were in counseling. Yet, the counselor and estranged husband were bashing me for things--like anger and low self-esteem. Go figure!

I then went to individual counseling (with a great therapist) and had a very positive experience. Although my marriage couldn't be saved, I ended up feeling much better about myself.

Sometimes it's just a matter of finding the right therapist. Don't be afraid to switch counselors. If something doesn't seem right, don't be afraid to question it. I can remember coming to this forum several times with questions about what the first therapist was saying (or not saying).

Hope things work out for you!


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## aeapes

As far as I know we both really want this to work but we are getting bumbed because everyone is telling us counseling does not work and is a waste of time.


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## Blanca

I dont believe in marriage counseling, but individual counseling has done wonders for my H and I. 

I went through a number of counselors until i found one that works for me. i think most people go in to counseling expecting to have all their problems solved, but that's not how it works. counseling is one very small part of fixing any problem. you have to use it as a small resource and take what your counselor says as if a friend said it. they are professionals, but in the end they are just people with a lot of experience listening. 

I told my H to use his counselor as his ally for what he's going through. its a comfort and a safe place to vent, with someone that is on his side. he's not going to get that from me right now. i think it has really helped.


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## aeapes

We are thinking of doing individual and marriage counseling but maybe individual is the way to go?


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## Blanca

It is for me. there was so many problems in my marriage that the only logical place to start was individually. bringing yet a third person into the picture didnt make any sense to me. i think personal accountability is the way to go. one hour between three people really cannot accomplish much. but that is just me. im sure there are those that have benefited from marriage counseling.


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## 827Aug

aeapes said:


> As far as I know we both really want this to work but we are getting bumbed because everyone is telling us counseling does not work and is a waste of time.


I think that's half the battle--both of you want to save your marriage. Although the second therapist I saw does marriage counseling, she never schedules a married couple together. She only sees them individually. Couples at this point only want to fight when together, so she says she accomplishes nothing when they are together in her office for an hour. In essence she accomplishes nothing with the couple because she is busy refereeing the fight. The therapist says she has had much more success since seeing married couples individually. That seems to go along with what Blanca is saying. Therefore, you might want to find a counselor with that philosophy.


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## Hopeful1

We've been going to weekly marriage counseling for about 7 weeks. So far, it is helping us, but we both really like the counselor. It provides us a place where we can air our frustrations and angst in a neutral space, with a counselor who helps us each to hear each other and interpret each other's stresses accurately. She's been guiding us toward reconciliation and, while I don't know yet if we're going to get there, we both are finding the sessions educational and comforting. We are feeling more unified as a couple than we have in a long time, and both feel that we are able to better understand each other.


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## CherryBomb

I'm also getting a little depressed reading everyone's negative experiences with couples therapy. My boyfriend of five years and I are about to have our first session on Wednesday March 7th. He has been in individual therapy for almost a year now. I am not in individual therapy; my insurance is going to be used up on the couples therapy, most likely (he can get therapy through the VA). This is our last hope.  We both really want to go, but I am at such a point of hopelessness that he is worried I won't be as receptive as I could be. I'm trying, but years of sex-starvation and fighting have wore me down. I'm hardly hanging on at this point, but I want to try. I want to believe there's hope...


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## Blanca

CherryBomb said:


> I'm trying, but years of sex-starvation and fighting have wore me down. I'm hardly hanging on at this point, but I want to try. I want to believe there's hope...


There's hope if you can learn to identify your contribution to the dysfunction. You know his contribution and if you focus on that in counseling I dont think things will improve. You will fight more, he will be more defensive, talk less, and you will push harder and the fighting will escalate. 

I was also in a sex starved marriage (H was more interested in porn) and i fought with my H for years. I knew what his problem was and I had no problem telling him and telling him how to fix it. I researched all about sex addiction, porn addiction, what his abuse was doing to me, told him constantly what he was doing to me; I had so many solutions for him but he wouldn't listen to any of them! But I knew very little about what I was doing to me. I knew even less about how to change what I was doing to me. I could have cared less about what I was doing to him. That is where you have to start because it's the only place where there is hope for change.


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## river rat

My experience w/ counseling was in IC. Fortunately, I already knew the therapist and trusted his ability. I was at a point of complete desperation. He saved my life. That was 3 yrs ago.


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## njdad

If nothing else, it provides a set time and place to talk about what is going on. I'm not sure I could get that out of my wife on my own at this point.


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## heartsbeating

I seem to be drawn to these threads right now.

I would say my/our experience was very positive. I'll admit we only went for a few sessions, not years. I'd started struggling with some things in my life and my husband recommended I go speak to the therapist he knew. I resisted but went .....I went expecting to talk about one aspect of my life but when I was in there it ended up being about other things entirely, related to how I felt within my marriage. It was the outlet I needed at the time. Then our relationship stuff really came to a head and H and I had a few sessions together. I only went a few times, then came away and took time to reflect and read and reflect some more. 

I don't mean to wrap the experience up neatly and tied with a bow. It was very emotional and draining. From feeling validated to questioning to confusion to understanding and around and around as I tried to gain understanding to what was going on. Now that I'm in a different head space mentally, the questions I was asked and a few points the therapist did make, all seem so crystal clear and obvious to me now. What I struggled with then, I feel I have an understanding of - which means when I think back to the sessions I almost feel an aftershock of benefit. 

When we had the joint sessions, we did pace out a few of the sessions just because it was a lot to take in. Then we picked up again when we felt ready a few weeks later. 

Going to the therapist in the first place though, helped slow down my thinking and helped give me a different way of considering things - through questions asked and such. Unfortunately my personality can at times be cut and run, and to wing it without a plan..... so for me, just hearing someone to tell me to slow down my thinking was extremely beneficial along with everything else that was revealed through those sessions, particularly with my husband.

The therapist also had the right approach for me. No doubt that is a skill in itself, but still, his style vibed with me. When we were starting the joint sessions, it was made clear the purpose wasn't an attempt to keep us together or transition us apart. It didn't have an outcome on it. It was to help us understand ourselves and each other better.


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