# Children and Divorce - Will they be Ok?



## RunningOnEmpty

My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 16 years. We’ve grown distant in the past couple of years, and right now things are not looking good. She doesn’t want to go to see a marriage counselor. We have 2 kids, under 5.

I am trying to give my 100% to save my marriage, but at the end, it may not be enough. Sometimes the choice is taken from us, and there is only a single path to follow. I don’t know what will happen.

My main concern is the kids. If things worsen, and we end up divorced, I am terrified at the adverse effect this may have on the kids. 

I’ve read and read on this subject for the past few months. From the studies that show how negatively divorce affect children, to the studies showing how the other studies used the wrong methodology, and are all wrong.

I’ve read those that say that staying in a low-conflict bad marriage is better for the kids than the parents divorcing amicably. I’ve also read the reverse, how staying for the kids shows them the wrong role model, and shows them to settle and not seek happiness. This other school of thought says it is better for them to see their divorced parents living two happy, fulfilling lives; etc, etc.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

I am concerned about big things and little things. For instance:

Psychological damage to them. Will they start wetting the bed? Will they regress in school? Act out? Will they later hate me and call me by my first name instead of ‘Dad’?
My reduced interaction with my kids. I always do bed time business with my older boy. And when I get home from work, and they hear my voice they drop whatever they are doing and come running to hug me. I am getting teary eyes just thinking on not doing this every day.
The chance that I won’t have the same strong bond with them. I am concerned about the younger one (just 1.5 yo) not bonding with me. It won’t be the same.
Step-parents. Will my W marry a decent guy? Or an abusive one? Can I let a stranger spend time with my kids? How can I? Or, do I simply have to trust and have faith?
School. Will they being ‘different’, in having separated families, cause them stress, or embarrassment, or other negative situations?

I know there is no one magical answer. But if you have some thoughts or experiences, please share them.


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## TNgirl232

My daughter was 8 when we divorced. We had a truly amicable split, we didn't talk bad about each other, we went to her events together, we reinforced it wasn't her fault in anyway. She didn't have trouble in any area's of her life that I can put a finger on. I'm sure there was adjustment, but nothing that cried out "OMG my daughter has been traumatized". Now at 12 I run into her feeling like things are not as fair because she sometimes gets in trouble with her dad for things she does at my house, but I chalk that up to her being a hormonal pre-teen who is pushing boundaries more and more and would be getting in trouble regardless of if we had divorced.

There shouldn't be an effect at school for them - I'd say at least some if not a lot of their friends parents are divorced - just how it is today.

My ex and I fought (well he yelled, i sat there  ) and I often fussed at her to keep her quiet so as not to set her dad off. Totally not fair to her, but I felt is was better than letting her dad get going. My mom said she had the 'scared rabbit' syndrome. Anytime someone yelled she would freeze. After the divorce that gradually went away. So in that respect it vastly improved her life.

As for regression - I think this is different for every kid. 

As for missing things (if you only have visitation 2 or 3 times a week) - its going to happen, unfortunately its part of the deal.

The bond you have with your children can be just as strong if you work at it. My D's dad still yells a lot and is quick to punish for small infractions. I think she is at an age to realize this is more about him than her. She has voiced concerns her dad doesn't really like her / love her, which her step dad is trying to talk to her about and correct. But its not easy when her dad's behavior never changes.

Step Parents - look at it in reverse, what if you find a woman you want to marry - you would expect your ex-wife to trust your judgement....so you have to trust hers. You don't get a vote in that matter. But always listen to your children, if something sounds off, then ask a few non-threatening questions - like your just curious. If you have alarm bells go off, or if the SP is doing something that is against the values your up and you are trying to teach your children, speak of. I have often - it doesn't cause to much strife.


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## GoDucks

We are at that point where you go to a lot of counseling to figure out if it's salvageable... So, I don't have experience to share like the previous post did. But, my recently divorced friend recommended this Sandcastles book, and I bought it:
Amazon.com: Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way (9780679778011): M. Gary Neuman, Patricia Romanowski: Books

I have done a lot of research trying to answer the same issues you have, and am at a similar spot to your position. But, if it goes south, I want to be prepared. I haven't read the book yet (but my girlfriend said it has helped her A LOT), but I'll warn you, it's big like a text book.  This isn't a 300 page novel-type book.


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## healingme

RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]The chance that I won’t have the same strong bond with them. I am concerned about the younger one (just 1.5 yo) not bonding with me. It won’t be the same.
> [*]Step-parents. Will my W marry a decent guy? Or an abusive one? Can I let a stranger spend time with my kids? How can I? Or, do I simply have to trust and have faith?


Despite my H and I separating at the moment, I feel I can speak with some authority, being a step-mum to his son (who doesn't live with us). H separated from his ex when SS was about one. When I met SS he was 2, and hadn't had regular contact with H. Then we commenced the fortnightly weekends and their bond was good, but H was so into being the 'fun dad' that all discipline went out the window and we ended up having a hell of a time because I was the step-mum and he should have been the one to discipline his own son (I'm not talking physically. H was a lazy father, he admitted it himself, and didn't deal with naughty behaviour because he couldn't be bothered). 

When his ex moved further away, H's defence mechanism kicked in, and he stopped regular contact with SS. As a result, when he did call, SS didn't want anything to do with him. H was upset at this, and through some tough love I managed to get him to understand that SS was doing the exact same thing back at him, mirroring his defence; 'it hurts too much to talk, so I'll just back right off until it stops hurting'. I told him that if he wanted to be a father to his son and not be replaced by his ex's boyfriends, he needs to step up and reinforce his position as the father. So he agreed to keep a regular day when he calls SS, and that's how Wednesday became Daddy-Son day. Sometimes he forgets, and sometimes SS isn't in the mood to talk (usually just too distracted - SS has aspergers so focus isn't his strong suit). But it's now a well-known fact that Wednesday is their day to talk, and anything in between is a bonus. They talk on Skype now too. 

About step parents. Nobody is a fortune teller here so we can't say if she'll marry a good guy or even if she'll remarry at all. Sometimes you just have to let go and let people make their choices, of course being ever vigilant and mindful. H gets along with his ex's new husband really well. They have a new son together and SS has taken on his stepfather's name as a new middle name, which is a beautiful thing because now he doesn't feel like the odd one out. The ex did make some pretty poor choices in the boyfriends she went out with, but in the end she chose a lovely, down to earth guy who respects H as his stepson's father, and very much respects that special relationship. 

My H had all but written off his ex, and I fought hard to get him to understand that they have an indelible link in their son and that he needs to respect that she is the mother of his child. 

From a step-parent's perspective, and from someone who sees all (I am extremely observant), all I can tell you is you must stay as dedicated to your children as ever, but never at the expense of your ex-wife. Sit down and talk or even draw up a nonlegal contract between the two of you, to always put the needs of your children above your own and above your egos and above your separation. Agree to respect one another as half of an incrediblely well-matched team to create these beautiful children. The 'family unit' might be gone, but you are all forever tethered together, and just think this - if you hadn't gotten together, you'd never have experienced the wonder of your children, and I bet you can't imagine life without their existence. So you might not be there in body all the time, but wherever you all are, they are always in your heart and rarely far from your mind.


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## Crypsys

RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]Psychological damage to them. Will they start wetting the bed? Will they regress in school? Act out? Will they later hate me and call me by my first name instead of ‘Dad’?


As far as I know  I don't have any psychological damage. I never started wetting the bed, etc (I was 10 at the time of the divorce). I did act out a bit at school and got DHall for the first few months. I was angry and upset and hurt that my parents "did that" to me at the time. After a while though, I got used to the separation and the acting out stopped. I don't know about the first name/dad thing as mine just ended up leaving us totally. 



RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]My reduced interaction with my kids. I always do bed time business with my older boy. And when I get home from work, and they hear my voice they drop whatever they are doing and come running to hug me. I am getting teary eyes just thinking on not doing this every day.


As a father of 4, I can completely understand your worry. In the end though, if your marriage is in shambles, is your home environment a healthy one? While I know it breaks your heart to do it, would the separation end up being better for them even if they aren't with you every day? I have no insight into your marriage so I don't know the specifics, fights, etc. But in my view a stable and calm home environment is more important then having a traditional 2 parent family.



RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]The chance that I won’t have the same strong bond with them. I am concerned about the younger one (just 1.5 yo) not bonding with me. It won’t be the same.


Bonding is done over time, not just in a space of a few weeks, months, etc. You won't be living in the same house, but that doesn't mean you still won't be involved in their life. I really think your children can and will still bond with you even if yall aren't all living in the same house. As long as you still act like a Dad, I think it will be okay.




RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]Step-parents. Will my W marry a decent guy? Or an abusive one? Can I let a stranger spend time with my kids? How can I? Or, do I simply have to trust and have faith?


Isn't that what life is 90% about? Taking action where we can, but otherwise having trust and faith? You cannot control your Ex's life or choices. Let her make what choices she may make. If her choices start affecting the kids, that is where you step in. Keep an eye on the situation and use your best judgment. You cannot worry about what may be, only focus on what is now.



RunningOnEmpty said:


> [*]School. Will they being ‘different’, in having separated families, cause them stress, or embarrassment, or other negative situations?


Considering about 50% of all marriages now end in divorce, your kids will be right there along with half of their school mates. Even back in the day when my parents divorced, I don't remember any stigma, etc put on me because my Mom was a single parent...


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## RunningOnEmpty

Crypsys said:


> As a father of 4, I can completely understand your worry. In the end though, if your marriage is in shambles, is your home environment a healthy one? While I know it breaks your heart to do it, would the separation end up being better for them even if they aren't with you every day? I have no insight into your marriage so I don't know the specifics, fights, etc. But in my view a stable and calm home environment is more important then having a traditional 2 parent family.


I agree with you. We try to keep our arguments for when the kids are sleeping. But even then, the older one is already making comments about "daddy staying together with the family". It is amazing how much they understand.



Crypsys said:


> Isn't that what life is 90% about? Taking action where we can, but otherwise having trust and faith? You cannot control your Ex's life or choices. Let her make what choices she may make.


True. But I am thinking now that depending on how strong I feel about this, I may be more flexible or not on my end with the things I am willing to do or not.



Crypsys said:


> Considering about 50% of all marriages now end in divorce, your kids will be right there along with half of their school mates.


But, how many of these marriages have kids or not? I mean, it is possible that 50% of marriages divorce, but not all of them have kids.

I think I read somewhere that 25% of kids in the US are in single parent homes.



TNgirl232 said:


> Now at 12 I run into her feeling like things are not as fair because she sometimes gets in trouble with her dad for things she does at my house, but I chalk that up to her being a hormonal pre-teen who is pushing boundaries more and more and would be getting in trouble regardless of if we had divorced.


This is one of my concerns. One of the things I do all the time is intervene between my W and my oldest. She gets 'flustered' very easily, so I have to calm down the situation.

She is a great mother, but we are at the point where DS only listen to her when she raises her voice.



TNgirl232 said:


> Step Parents - look at it in reverse, what if you find a woman you want to marry - you would expect your ex-wife to trust your judgement....so you have to trust hers.


I know, this is life. And there is not much I can do about it. But, still it concerns me.. 



healingme said:


> From a step-parent's perspective, and from someone who sees all (I am extremely observant), all I can tell you is you must stay as dedicated to your children as ever, but never at the expense of your ex-wife.


I think we will be Ok with this. We both agree that regardless of what happens, our kids happiness is paramount.


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## lily123

my parents divorced when i was 3 and my brother was 5 and we both turned out ok. we were able to still be raised by both parents.. one week at my dads and then a week at my moms. just don't talk bad about the other parent in front of the kids and make them feel like they have to choose a side. my parents tried thier best to be friends and did a really good job at it.


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## hellacious

There never is any clear-cut solution in solving your problem because every child is different and will react differently in a particular situation. Although all of the things you've said are true, that your divorce will have psychological effects to your child, among other things, a smart parenting plan is always the best way to combat the negative effects of divorce. Coordinate with your husband on the schedule when you will meet or give your child, and what how each of you should discipline your child. All of this, along with having an amicable relationship with your ex, will allow you to minimize the difficulties that your child will experience from your divorce.

For more advice about divorce and children, click on the link.


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