# new revolution...could this be a sign?



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

We go Wed to MC and our homework is to write a letter to each other: me about my feelings about everything and he with his apologies. I can't sleep so i am starting mine and i was instructed to not be accusing just strictly feelings.

Well i can't because everything i write begins with me pointing out what he did in order to say how it made me feel. Which is making me feel nothing but anger and resentment. So this has me thinking one reason my husband avoids talking about this because I am constantly pointing the finger and accusing and reminding him of all his bad choices instead of just talking about my feelings at work on healing the hurt. But I don't know any other way to say the way I feel. 

I don't know if this is a good or a bad sign because I am not sure I can change. If I don't change thanks recovery is doomed. If I am able to change then its like rug sweeping bc I'm not convinced he believes he had an EA and he is still saying he regrets kissing another girl but that we were in a bad place at the time and he was drunk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The place you are trying to find is difficult but it's gold. This was something my wife did pretty much perfectly and I really can't express how much it helped me and us. Clearly I can't speak for her so I can't address how or why but she is on here infrequently and I can put you in contact with her if you like. The ability to really talk everything out without being berated, attacked, or belittled is so important. I told my wife everything, I answered all of her questions openly and willingly - I'll even go so far as to say I got to where I liked to talk about it with her but that's all because she made it so easy for me to do so. That's not to say that she didn't tell me when something hurt or how something made her feel, but those expressions were never followed by her reminding me how horrible my actions were, calling me an *******, or even just rehashing the embarrassing details of what I had done for no other reason than to embarrass me. 

I understand that it's hard not to justify every hurt feeling by starting with why you feel that way, but is it really necessary? Even if he hasn't taken full ownership this isn't the best way to get him to do so. Ideally that would be separate conversations where you do discuss the deed itself, why it was an attack on the marriage, and what the consequences are should it occur again. When you're really trying to process the whole thing and deal with it and move forward toward reconciliation together dragging him through an emotional attack or guilt trip is usually mostly extracting a pound of flesh. 

The whole process of reconciliation is just that - a process - it's give and take. If you try to make it easier for him to communicate about it all he has to reciprocate by sharing more and more openly. If he does and you can continue to refrain from attacking him he should open up even more, and so on. In reality it's an exercise in rebuilding trust. He builds trust that you won't kick him in the nads every time he opens his mouth and you build trust that he will open and communicate more and more. It really helps to rebuild trust and intimacy if you can do it. 

I think all of that sounds like I'm saying you should cut him some slack or give him a break. Nothing could be farther from the truth. As the cheater it's his job to take the shots, to endure the embarrassment, pain and humiliation as long as is necessary. The flip side is however, that he is still just a human and eventually if every time he opens his mouth he gets slapped he will stop opening his mouth just to stop getting hit. 

Wow. That wound up longer than I intended. Sorry about that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't get wrapped around the axle. Here is how I would do it.

I feel angry when my husband kissed another girl.
I feel betrayed that my husband lied to me.
I feel deep hurt that my husband betrayed me.
I feel deep pain that my husband does not see that he had an EA.

And just keep going with your list of feelings. You can write in a variety of styles. In a narrative form it would go like this, when I found out about (girl's name) I felt like my world came crashing down, it made me very angry, I felt deep pain that you betrayed me, etc, etc. I would think that this way of expressing your feelings should take away any idea of rug sweeping and allow you to get everything out. 

I would also suggest that you set time aside during the day or week where you spend time talking about this. Say one hour. After the hour stop. Then try to have some fun together. Don't bring it up until your next time. This method gives you some control over your thoughts and also gives you control knowing that you will be able to have an outlet for those thoughts and feelings that build up in a controlled way. It will also let your H know that these times are for talking about the A and he will know in advance that after the hour is up you both can move on to doing other things. He will not feel like he is being ambushed. 

As much as we feel entitled as BS's we do at some point need to let things go and I don't mean letting the WS off the hook. This will take time. In the meantime you need to find outlets for your feelings and thoughts. Vent here, you are in MC, write your letter, and you will see that in time things do simmer down, but it is a slow process. Give it a week (May 1st) and see how things are going then.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Notice that Thorburn is using "I" statements--the minute you veer off into making "you" statements--that is where the finger pointing starts and his listening turns off.

I also found something in my own healing (I'm 9 weeks out from DD#2): that there was no room for my husband's remorse as long as I was flailing about in pain. I know that makes no sense. But he was spending all his time trying to make sure I was going to be ok. MY feelings were taking up all the space between us, there were no room for his. Now that I've processed the worst of it he has said some of the most remorseful things yet.

This is something I ponder when I read TAM threads. We want the cheaters to be instantly remorseful. But that typically doesn't happen. I know there were moments when my husband thought, wow, is this what I recommitted to? And yes, of course he deserved to see my pain and had to take it. But marriage should be warm, fun, loving, safe. At some point, this has to be there, or there is no point in reconciliation.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

iheartlife makes an excellent and very concrete and applicable point about "I" vs "you." That's a pretty solid guide for when the conversation may be leaving constructive and crossing into venting or attacking.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

All of this is just what I needed to hear. Thanks a million times over. I'm so afraid I will fall back into my rug sweeping habits and I DON'T want to do that. However, it is way easier and lots of less work for the time being. 

I see that I'm actually poisoning my R vs. helping. I really need him to realize what he has done and how his being in denial is starting to scare me that there will be a repeat. 

I started my letter and here is what I have...do you mind telling me if it's too dumb:

"I am finding it really difficult to write this letter. Normally I have a million thoughts rolling in my mind ready to share and could typically write a novel. However the instructions were to not be accusing toward you and I cannot figure out how to do this without pointing the finger. So I will do my best...
I feel like I have lost my best friend. The one person who never judged me and allowed me to express my true feelings and beliefs with out reprecussions. "

then write more like the "I" feel fear, anxiety, etc.

Thanks again for your time, help, advice, sharing your experiences! It's so encouraging.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> All of this is just what I needed to hear. Thanks a million times over. I'm so afraid I will fall back into my rug sweeping habits and I DON'T want to do that. However, it is way easier and lots of less work for the time being.
> 
> I see that I'm actually poisoning my R vs. helping. I really need him to realize what he has done and how his being in denial is starting to scare me that there will be a repeat.
> 
> ...


Looks good so far.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Looks good so far.


thanks...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Looks good so far.


I agree - good start.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I agree - good start.


thanks to you too...


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