# Wife's problematic relationship with parents



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So my wife and I have been together about 11 years total, and we've pretty much always lived within an hour or less of her parents. My wife's parents in my opinion are basically decent people but they're not always the easiest people to deal with. Nonetheless, because I'm the type to get along with most people, I get along with them fine. 

My wife, on the other hand, doesn't get along so well with them, and every so often she has a terrible fight with them. She'll say the worst things about them to their faces -- basically making it sound like they're terrible people with no redeeming qualities. Before our daughter was born she used to get so angry at them that she'd threaten that when we had kids she wouldn't let them see our kids. 

I guess my wife feels like they neglected her growing up, which may be true. They were young when they had her and they worked long hours and probably weren't the greatest parents and didn't make her feel loved enough. At the same time, at some point I think you have to move on from these things. You can't keep screaming at your parents for your whole life as though you're finally going to get what they never gave you. Plus when you tell people how terrible they are you just do more damage. 

But the other half of their relationship is that she's also dependent on them. She doesn't need to be, really, but she sets things up so she is. For example, she decided we needed to buy a place soon and didn't want to wait a few years and save up for the down payment. So she went to them, and they helped us. I can't really complain -- I'm happy my daughter is going to have a home that's not rented -- but it would have been fine if we waited a few more years til we could do it ourselves. We have decent jobs and she won't be in school for a few more years. And my mother-in-law also watches our daughter twice a week, which honestly is great for us and for our daughter, who loves her grandma. 

Sorry for rambling, but what I'm getting at is that I think my wife needs to let go of some of the anger at her parents already, but I can't get her to see it. I can see a lot of her complaints about them - I see how they can be cold and self-centered and not get her needs. But I also see that they're basically good people deep down, and that anyway there's no way she's going to change them so she might as well accept it. How do I get her to see this? Can I? Am I wrong? Should I stay out of it?


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I hate to say it but it sort of sounds like your wife is a little spoiled.

At first glance I was thinking that her parents mistreated her a lot as she was growing up...I know that dealing with that is like and if it was the case, I would be more sympathetic. But they seemed to have sacrificed a lot for her and as an adult, she's expecting them to give her the attention she missed out as a child and it appears to me much of that is through fiscal means. 

I think your wife needs to stop going to them for any kind of assistance, put her big girl panties on, and start acting like an adult. There seem to be terrible boundary issues with the three of them, and unless your wife starts by first drawing that line and owning up to her own faults, it won't change.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Here is a web site that has some amazing videos by Byron Katie's work. If you scroll down to the bottom there is a trailer you can watch that gives a quick synopsis of the "turn it around" work. Maybe you can get your wife to watch the video's with you. Don't tell her why, just watch them and see if it makes a difference in her.

Watch Byron Katie Videos :: The Work of Byron Katie


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

To answer your question. Yes stay out of it.

Both your wife and her parents seem comfortable with this 'arrangement' so why spoil it.

Just dont take sides. Dont say your wife is wrong either. 

I am not sure why youre complaining about getting a house of your own now. If you dont feel like 'taking' from her parents you can always pay them back. There must be more to it what you dont tell us.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sorry, I think I'm not doing a good job of explaining the problems. I will give an example of how their relationship recently caused a problem:

When my wife went back to work, we had two choices -- full-time daycare, or a part-time nanny plus grandparents watching our toddler two days a week. Both worked out to about the same cost, and that was what we could afford. We chose part-time nanny plus grandparents 2x week. The other day, my wife blew up at her mom because she didn't want to come over that evening on a moment's notice and give my wife extra help. My wife was sick and very stressed out, and I guess she felt like her mom didn't care. So she completely told off her mom and told her she didn't want her to help us with our daughter anymore. But we already missed our chance to get full-time daycare for this year, and we can't afford the cost of a full-time nanny. This is the kind of pattern I'm talking about -- she insists on them helping, but then she doesn't want the baggage that comes with it, and then she puts us into the bind.

As for the down payment for the house (we're still paying the mortgage and other costs, just to be clear), I have no complaints about it at all, except that I'm afraid it comes with baggage too. And I feel like my wife and I are supposed to be building a life together and making our own financial choices, but instead of living in the boundaries of what we can afford, my wife wants more, she goes to her parents about it, and then she creates all this drama over it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The web site I sent you is still applicable.

If you want to do something yourself, put boundaries down. Tell your wife that you will not subject your family to the outbursts she has with her parents anymore. If she cannot be polite to them then she is not to ask for help from them and she needs to limit her contact with them. You can take the kids to visit them without her.

She is creating an atmosphere that is unhealthy and teaching your children how they can behave to their grandparents and eventually you two. Quit letting her ask them for help. Insist that the kids go to day care because she cannot control herself with her mom. Let her know that you will not approve of any more favors from her parents unless her behavior changes. You must stand up to her and let her know that it is non-negotiable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She sounds like a real peach. Quick to accept money from them but says the most awful things to them.

Yuck.

Anyone who berates their parents like how you describe her to do, loses a lot of respect points in my book.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I also see that they're basically good people deep down, and that anyway there's no way she's going to change them so she might as well accept it. How do I get her to see this? Can I? Am I wrong? Should I stay out of it?


She has to see them with fresh eyes. She grew up with them, has scars from what they did/didn't do over the course of her life, so she's stuck with her views. Her mind is made up. She has to be willing to look at them as people with flaws just like herself. She has to be willing to look at them as people that do the best they can do with what they know. Forgive them for not meeting her expectations.

It doesn't sound like your wife is reflective or introspective enough to do any of the above. Can you get her there? IDK. If she's not a good listener, and doesn't respect your opinion much I would say no.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She sounds like a spoiled user.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not sure if she's a user or if she has valid reasons for being angry at her parents.

Does she use other people or just her parents?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm not sure if she's a user or if she has valid reasons for being angry at her parents.
> 
> Does she use other people or just her parents?


She's a very good and giving person in most ways. I wouldn't be with her if she was just a "user." She's a great and very caring mom, and she also goes way out of her way for the students she teaches. At the same time, she has an anger problem, and she does have this tendency to think people are slighting her and to get all righteously angry at people and overreact to them. 

I think her parents really did and said some pretty bad things to her when she was a kid -- they didn't hit her or anything, but they were neglectful -- like she had old ratty clothes and didn't get haircuts and stuff like that even though they could afford it, and her mom said all kinds of mean and resentful things to her when she was just a little kid and made her feel like she was just a hardship, and when she was a teenager they just didn't pay attention to what she was doing at all and she got into all kinds of serious trouble, and they were oblivious. But she's so stuck on all this stuff and I feel like she has to let go eventually.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Would she consider therapy to deal with her anger problem?

Letting it go isn't realistic.

She needs professional help to process her feelings towards her parents so she can move on from it.

Would she do that?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well, time for a bump.

My MIL watches our toddler a couple times a week while we're at work. We pay for childcare the other days but this both saves us money and is really, really good for our daughter, who loves her grandma and gets lots of stimulation from her.

The thing is, I feel like my wife not exactly takes it for granted, but has a hard time being grateful for it or acknowledging it, and can be a little inconsiderate. Today they had a blow-up over it, and I kind of saw both of their sides. Basically what happened is that my wife forgot that she had a reason to stay a little later at work today -- a non-mandatory training that she wanted to attend. When she called her mom about it, her mom said she had to be somewhere at x time, and my wife said she would just leave by a certain time in order to get home, and I'm not sure exactly what was said, but it seems like there was never really clear communication between them about when my MIL needed to leave, while at the same time, my wife really didn't need to stay for this thing and could have come home, and maybe should have given the timeframe she was told. 

Anyway, my wife got stuck in traffic after leaving the training, and I guess my MIL was going to be late wherever she had to be, and they had a fight on the phone about it. Then when my wife came home (this is by my wife's telling) she "decided not to say anything" to her mother because she "wanted to avoid a conflict." I mean come on, that's obviously not going to work when what her mother probably wants is an APOLOGY. 

So when I get home (my MIL is already gone by now of course), my wife starts having a fit about this whole thing, and I know I should be taking her side, but I just can't find it in me to completely back her up, because the fact is that my MIL doesn't have to watch our daughter AT ALL, and she's very good with our daughter, and I feel like my wife just refuses to acknowledge that there is any good in her mother whatsoever when she gets angry like this. So I tried to gently suggest that maybe, knowing her mother had to be somewhere, she could have just come home instead of staying and cutting it so close at rush hour. And also my wife was saying things like "My mother doesn't care at all, she only does this because my dad tells her it's the right thing to do," and I can just so clearly see that that's not the case, that my MIL loves our daughter and cares a lot about her.

At the same time, my MIL also really overreacted to my wife, from what my wife said, and told her her "behavior was abhorrent" over something that honestly isn't really that bad -- after all, it's not her fault she got stuck in especially bad traffic, and she probably thought she could have made it home. And my MIL definitely has a cold side, and I have seen her be very cold to my wife before. 

Anyway, my wife was kind of mad at me for "defending" her parents, and I feel in a bad position because honestly I really don't want to put my daughter in full-time daycare and I see how good my MIL is for my daughter, so my interests are kind of torn. I believe in taking my wife's side but I don't believe in encouraging her to take a poisonous, destructive stance against her parents (she started to say she "hates" them etc.)


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think if you would do active listening with her (repeat back to her what she says, or even better, paraphrase it), she would feel respected and understood. You do not have to agree with her. But you do want her to feel listened to.

After she calms down and feels heard, you could tell her that you feel it is stressing her out too much to deal with her mother, and what does she think of planning for an alternative care arrangement as soon as possible? That might get her attention, and I suggest telling her you would like to mention it to mil, too. That should get both of them talking, since I doubt either of them wants to lose the arrangement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Do you pay grandma for watching the little one? Is there anything your wife can do that might show appreciation to her mom like sending her a card once in a while?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

So your wife has issues with her parents. Most of us do. I do with mine. While they were hardly perfect they are my biggest heroes. I admire who they are and what they accomplished in life with so very little. At the end of the day I was well cared for physically. Emotionally there are scars but they have healed and as a parent I understand those shortcomings a bit more now.

Your wife needs to sit down with her parents and let them know all of her frustrations once and for all. She likely needs IC to. Then she needs to quit acting like an unreasonable lunatic and appreciate what your in laws have done for your family. I do not care what they did in the past because it appears they may be trying to make amends the best they know how. Your W needs to be grateful because quite honestly a lack of gratitude is very ugly and it does not wear very well.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

But she doesn't really have to be, does she, RC? There are no real consequences from herself, her parents, or her husband.

JL, have you thought about paying her parents back for that down payment? That should give you more of a sense of independence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I have to agree with jld on this, but with a twist. Call a meeting and make them sit down and explain to them that you and your daughter with not be caught in the middle of their fights. I might be called wrong on this, but you have to make her your top priority. Make them do the active listening to each other.

As far as your wife's attitude? 
She's just going to have to get over it. It sounds like her parents might not be the best in the world, but you know, it sounds like they are trying. They are human. We all have fallen short for someone at some point in our lives. She has to communicate her thoughts and feelings. And I'm not talking about a , I hate you, you never loved me teenager temper tantrum.

This subject hits quite close to home for me.

You cant love your spouse if you don't trust them.
You can certainly love your parents if you don't trust them.
Anything short of abuse or not defending the abused is forgivable. You can even love the abuser. Hell, you can even love a parent when they don't love you back. because there is supposed to be a bond there.

You have to want to! Its much easier to hate though. I can admit that. If nothing else, you can approach the parent with guarded hope.

Sorry, she sounds like a spoiled brat to me.
Spank her and put her to bed. Or ground her to her room.
JK


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

RClawson said:


> So your wife has issues with her parents. Most of us do. I do with mine. While they were hardly perfect they are my biggest heroes. I admire who they are and what they accomplished in life with so very little. At the end of the day I was well cared for physically. Emotionally there are scars but they have healed and as a parent I understand those shortcomings a bit more now.
> 
> Your wife needs to sit down with her parents and let them know all of her frustrations once and for all. She likely needs IC to. Then she needs to quit acting like an unreasonable lunatic and appreciate what your in laws have done for your family. I do not care what they did in the past because it appears they may be trying to make amends the best they know how. Your W needs to be grateful because quite honestly a lack of gratitude is very ugly and it does not wear very well.


I mean, I agree with all this. In fact, I find it so unattractive when my wife gets into these immature spats with her parents, thankfully rarely. And sometimes I just want to shout at her "How long do you want to continue your life like this? Do you want your parents to die with you 'hating' them every time they do something you don't like? Do you want to have a teenager relationship to them for the rest of your life?" It's very frustrating - it hurts her, it hurts them, it hurts the family. Her parents share the blame -- they're not great communicators, and no one ever seems to apologize to anyone.

But I don't know what I can actually do.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

No one has to do anything but J Lee has it right. How long does she want to live like a teenager and ultimately how long does J Lee want to be married to one and how long does he want he teenager to be mothering their child. The pattern is set and I have witnessed these same immature behaviors in other marriages before. Unless something is done proactively, and soon, then buckle down and enjoy the drama because it will never end. Chances are your marriage will also.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

There must be a lot of hurt there for your wife to carry these emotional scars for so long. Until she can work through her own feelings of what her parents did to her as a child/teen, she is going to keep the vicious cycle going. This is about her facing her own emotions head on, taking ownership of how this has shaped her relationships and to look for a way to end it. She doesn't have to forget what her parents did, what she has to do is learn to acknowledge the pain and move forward, instead of backward. I hesitate to use the term "forgiveness" because often it has the connotation that by doing so, it lets the person(s) you're forgiving off the hook. I highly recommend your wife seek out IC, without her parents or you. This is something she needs to do by herself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like most of your post, Phenix, but I think John Lee could be supportive of his wife's therapy. And he, too, benefits from the child care and the down payment money.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Phenix70 said:


> There must be a lot of hurt there for your wife to carry these emotional scars for so long. Until she can work through her own feelings of what her parents did to her as a child/teen, she is going to keep the vicious cycle going. This is about her facing her own emotions head on, taking ownership of how this has shaped her relationships and to look for a way to end it. She doesn't have to forget what her parents did, what she has to do is learn to acknowledge the pain and move forward, instead of backward. I hesitate to use the term "forgiveness" because often it has the connotation that by doing so, it lets the person(s) you're forgiving off the hook. I highly recommend your wife seek out IC, without her parents or you. This is something she needs to do by herself.


I agree. She does have deal with her feelings and emotions. I agree 100% about owning your stuff. I have to say though, you have to forgive yourself first. Then you forgive the other person or persons. 

You can forgive, but you hold them to accountability. At some point you have to decide what is a deal breaker for you and just let them go.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Coming from a neglected child of fairly decent parents, I think she needs to let go of her past. I think she should seek counselling if she cannot do this on her own. Displaying anger and resentment repeatedly over the coming years is going to be a bad example to her children. How would she feel if her own children started acting this way towards her once they are grown? It's quite possible they will considering the example she is setting.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Just brainstorming here, John.

But it sounds like you almost need to establish your own "direct" relationship with the in-laws. Essentially, create a line of communications that you can use when wife goes off the rails.

Say something like: "Your parents have their faults, but at their core they are decent people. They love us and our daughter and I will treat them accordingly. Don't bring me into your fights with them. You manage your relationship with your mother as you want. I will manage relationship with my Mother-in-Law as I see fit."

Then when wifey goes off the rails, you could text Grandma saying something like "Sorry neither of US were home in time to let you get to your function." In essence, when you think an apology - or further discussion - is in order, you're not channelling through an unreasonable wife. You're keeping a parallel line of communication open. 

Again, this is just a brainstorm. I don't face similar issues on the in-law front. Others may see this as divisive in marriage relationship. I think she does more harm in making you pick sides between her and MIL in spats like this.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You should tell your wife that if her mom is watching the kid for free, and she can't bring herself to be grateful, she can at least be big enough to appreciate the effort. 

Sooner or later, her parents will be gone and once that happens, most people come to regret the way they talked and acted towards their loved ones. Problem is it's then too late.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So apparently a friend told her she should apologize to her mother even if she thought her mother was wrong, because you never know if you'll get another chance to apologize. My wife agreed, but then she procrastinated calling her mom all night and went to sleep. I could see that she was genuinely afraid to do it. I guess it's a deep problem.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

reesespieces said:


> I hate to say it but it sort of sounds like your wife is a little *spoiled*.
> 
> At first glance I was thinking that her parents mistreated her a lot as she was growing up...I know that dealing with that is like and if it was the case, I would be more sympathetic. But they seemed to have sacrificed a lot for her and as an adult, she's expecting them to give her the attention she missed out as a child and it appears to me much of that is through fiscal means.
> 
> I think your wife needs to stop going to them for any kind of assistance, put her big girl panties on, and start acting like an adult. There seem to be terrible boundary issues with the three of them, and unless your wife starts by first drawing that line and owning up to her own faults, it won't change.


And entitled. What a terrible disappointment to the parents it must be to see their daughter come out this way even though they likely had a lot to do with this


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife needs therapy. I think many of us have childhood resentments but we don't usually let them carry over to adulthood. Certainly not the way your wife does. 

When a grandparent is doing you a huge favor by watching your child (and I did that five days a week for a number of years with my grandchildren) you should not only be grateful, you should also act grateful. You wife isn't.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John Lee said:


> So apparently a friend told her she should apologize to her mother even if she thought her mother was wrong, because you never know if you'll get another chance to apologize. My wife agreed, but then she procrastinated calling her mom all night and went to sleep.* I could see that she was genuinely afraid to do it. *I guess it's a deep problem.


Why do you think this was?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It sounds to me like your wife has some issues from childhood that maybe need to be resolved, she might not even understand what is going on. I would suggest that she seek counseling to help her understand her own feelings towards her parents.


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