# Don't know what to do anymore ...



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I'm so at the end of my rope right now, I just am so hurt and frustrated. A little background. I have been married to my wife for 15 and a half years at this point. We have 3 kids ranging from 9 to 16 years old. We started very early in life with our family, and our first few years of marriage were very rough. 

We eventually overcame that and grew up and had several years of a very good marriage. I love my wife so much. Only recently though I have realized that I have, especially over the last few years, become very selfish and hurtful to my wife. I have damaged her heart. I'm not talking about anything like abuse, just neglect and selfishness that has turned her heart cold. I didn't even realize that I was doing it at the time, and looking back now I really think that for the last 2 years I had been living in a state of depression that I was not dealing with. 

Anyways, now, a month ago I learned that my wife has spent the last year having an ongoing affair with me. She says she "loves me, but isn't in love with me". She has broken off all contact with this man, and we are supposedly trying to work on our marriage. However she has a lot of internal, personal issues and she is working on those. She is not even really sure that she wants to work this out, but she is taking steps to try to move in that direction. 

I have forgiven her ... I have. But it is so hard to deal with. Then I learned this past week that this wasn't the first time. Over the last 2 1/2 years or so she has actually had 2 separate year long affairs on me I now learn. 

Here's the thing. I can forgive her both of those. I am so sorry for the hurt and neglect I showed her, I love her so much, I know divorce is not best for our kids, I am willing to work on our marriage. I don't care if it takes 6 months, 2 years or 10 years I want to make this work. 

But at this point I'm the only one fighting for this marriage. I understand that she has broken off these relationships - even though she "loves" this other man so much. I understand that she is working on her internal, personal issues. But at this point she won't even let me take her out on a date. 

We talk. We spend time with our kids. We go through the motions. We are friendly with one another. But she won't take positive steps yet towards fixing our marriage. I am at the end of my rope. I feel like now, after learning about the second affair, "well, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." 

I still want to move forward, but I'm so tired of being the only one trying to fight for the marriage. I don't know what anyone can say or anything. But if anyone has experience, or advice or anything I appreciate it. I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm so close to saying "either poop or get off the pot, start fighting for this or end it." I just can't take living like this anymore, but I also don't want to shut the door on any chance for our marriage to get fixed. 

Frustrated and hurting,
Hope(less)inHouston


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## mommyoftwo85 (Sep 23, 2011)

I can understand where she is coming from and I also, understand where you are coming from. You were not there for 2 years emotion wise and she found the comfort and love she needed in the arms of another man. You ahve stepped up and took ownership of your fault and are trying to make it work. I am not saying it was ok for her to have affairs. Have you tried talking to her about this and admitting that you now see where it went wrong? Has she agreed to work on the marriage? Have ya'll tried MC? It seem to me the the roles have reversed minus the affairs and you are seeing somewhat of what she went through. I would hate for someone to throw that many years of marriage away. I wish the the best of luck to the both of you. Hopefully you can both let go of the past and move on to a brighter future.


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

I too am in this situation minus the affairs, probably only because I was a SAHM otherwise I may have strayed. But I too love my husband but from years of shoving issues under the rug I am no longer interested in being in love with him or having any physical relationship with him. I feel overwhelming guilt over this and wish it were different and that some magic pill could make me fall in love with him again but it has gone on so long that I feel that is impossible. But anyway I have researched and am currently in counceling both IC and MC and everything I have learned points to the fact that staying in a unhappy marriage is no better for children than leaving and making the best out of the seperation as you can make it. I understand I would be hurt if the positions were reversed but I can only hope that thru my pain I could still see clearly enough to do whatever I could to make the situation as painless for my children as possible. Just my opinion but I have read everything I can read on the internet, have books on the way to read and have spoken extensively to my C about it. I hope things can work out for you and your spouse but if not just remember.....the kids are what is really important we are adults and can handle whatever happens.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

One helping of advice, coming right up.

Search this site for something called the "180." It is a set of behaviors that might be helpful to you. 

You seem to really be beating yourself up for "neglect and selfishness." Conversely, you seem to have excused your wife's atrocious behavior without much rancor. This suggests that you are a doormat, and that she doesn't respect you, much less see you as worthy of building a marriage with.

Introspection and self analysis are great for improving yourself and minimizing your warts. Using those self-determined flaws as an excuse for your spouse to cheat on you is a lousy way to get the spouse to stop cheating.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allow me to be upfront: your wife is a serial cheater.

As you probably sense by now, repairing a marriage requires both parties -- and your wife is not participating.

Whatever you think you had done to damage your wife, she should not have had multiple affairs. If she was not happy, there were many other options available to her. She had marriage counseling and other stuff, with divorce the ultimate solution. 

There was absolutely no need for her to betray your marriage. She has shown she is untrustworthy and unfaithful.

With you condoning her affairs, there's really no reason why she would not carry on or start another affair.

As a poster above me suggested, take a look at the 180. Also look at the other forum here, The Men Clubhouse(?), about manning up. I believe you need to do these in order for you to survive this turmoil in your life.


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