# Is what my husband is doing considered cheating?



## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

My husband has been erasing certain texts and calls from the call log on the cell phone. There was a woman my husband worked with that I believe he had a crush on. I found texts where they would joke back and forth. He is a mechanic and she a service writer and she sent him a text asking if he would do something to a car in her text she said "if u do I'll give you...or a kiss" he responded "just a kiss". A few times I caught him texting her and he'd immediately erase what he wrote or close out his phone when I'd walk in the room. She has a boyfriend and she quit and moved away but my husband will occasionally initiate contact with her like asking how is she doing or when she's coming back to visit. Also before she left we had a BBQ at our house with his co-workers. One of his co-workers wife came up and asked him what was the reason for the BBQ in a suggestive way--kind of like she new something. My husband specifically asked about us having a BBQ as a going away for her so he wasn't hiding anything. After the BBQ he said maybe we could have another get together before she leaves. A couple days ago I looked at his phone and found texts going back and forth and he said he loved her and she said she loved him more. My husband is a fun loving happy guy and so I'm not totally convinced that it was some true declaration of love but teasing banter with someone he has a crush on. Also not too long ago he opened a Facebook account and he became connected to someone he grew up with (she lives in puerto rico & we live in CA). We were looking at his facebook page and I asked who she was and at first he said he didn't know and then he was oh that's a girl from my neighborhood. I found 2 calls on his phone to her which he deleted. He has also deleted the text he's sent her--although there haven't been too many. The reason I'm not convinced that he's acted out is because he always comes home from work and doesn't go to the bar after work with his friends so if nothing else he hasn't had the opportunity. Also because he is so outgoing and likes to joke around I'm not sure if it's just fun flirting. Also he doesn't communicate with these women daily it's every once in a while. I haven't approached him because in all honesty I've been watching to see if he acts on any of these flirtations; to where it would be true cheating...because I want to make sure I'm not being paranoid. I also want to make sure that I point out that I am not a jealous person. I have always told him to go out to happy hour with his friends or go out fishing or hanging out with our family friends. Is what he's doing constitute cheating especially if these women don't live in town? Oh this evening I looked at my husband's facebook page and the girl he used to work with (and now moved) announced she was engaged and his response was "Nooooooo! Just kidding about time ask him what took him so long to ask" Anyhow I am trying to find out what people think and how I should approach this situation...especially since these ladies live out of the area and a physical relationship would be impossible.
Thank you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

What he is certainly doing is having conversations with women that are crossing boundaries in a big way. This is not a blurry boundary cross. This is obvious. With intent. There is only one tiny step to the physical taking place because all the previous groundwork has been laid. This is in no way innocent. 

If I were you I would sit him down and have a looong talk to reestablish boundaries. If his intentions are good and he has just got carried away, he will understand that he has crossed them. He will understand that he needs to rein back in, in a big way. If his intentions are to begin (or continue) cheating, to continue flirting and fishing for outside sex, he will accuse u of being controlling and paranoid.

Call him out on his behaviour. Don't tell him you have been reading his Facebook or messages though. This is your evidence. Don't be open on what you know or how. Make up a story, info coming from others, or let him admit what he is doing by asking the right questions. You need to find out his intentions because this will give you the info you need as to what kind of marriage you are in and what kind of man you are married to.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry but........

Yes he is - it's cheating

You can dress it up with another name or excuse but basically - yes he is 

Nip in the bud time right now 

It's a slippery slope and he's already positioned himself for the ride


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree, he is cheating!

He's definitely cheating with the woman at work. Quite honestly he sounds like a serial cheater. Serial cheaters cheat for life, there's nothing you can do to stop it. I'm really sorry. Your best move would be to get out of that marriage.

My ex h is a serial cheater and still cheats 19 years later, after our divorce. I caught it without technology available.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Short answer. Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Whether he is physically cheating is unknown at the moment but emotionally he's cheating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Start with the book "Not Just Friends". Ideally both of you,would read it, and work through it. And don't confront him yet. You have nothing that he can't deny away. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

yes.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

YES!!! This is what cheating is. Why are you confused?

Telling another woman you love them is cheating.

Sending texts to women and deleting those same texts is cheating.

My husband cheated with tons of women for years and was ALWAYS home on time and NEVER went out.

Calling girls "from the old neighborhood" and deleting those calls is cheating.

Not one person here will tell you he is not cheating and heavily fishing for an affair. Sorry to say, he is.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Just wanted to chime in and say that my husband always came home from work on time and I found out he had been having an affair for 6 mos with a woman he worked with. You arent with him at all so you dont know where he goes for lunch, who he goes with, etc. You are giving him way too much benefit of the doubt!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You can put as much lipstick on a pig as one wants but it's still a pig.

So, yes, clearly something did go on between them. But just what is unknown.

Perhaps you can really call him out hard on it. Or, maybe see if you can undelete some of the texts and/or emails and get a better idea of the extent of it all. Or you may even contact this gal yourself and pull a bluff. Tell her your husband has admitted at being a lot more than just friendly coworkers with her and for the sake of your marriage ask her to tell you what went on to see if it jives with what he told you. See what she confesses.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Rugs said:


> YES!!! This is what cheating is. Why are you confused?
> 
> Telling another woman you love them is cheating.
> 
> ...


Agree completely. I love my wife and when I read your post it makes me want to hug you and smack him. You need to feel the same way. Take care of your self and know that all the deleting and hiding is for a reason. No one and I mean no one does that for no reason. You are married to a person that needs help. He may have not been successful at bedding any woman but I doubt that. He certainly is trying. As a faithful husband I would never do anything like this, no spouse should be involved this way with communicating with other woman. Boundaries people, boundaries.
My wife mentioned during a work event that a co worker was nice enough to share his umbrella with her. I told her to get herself an umbrella and stay out from under another mans umbrella. Get my point. Too close. Boundaries. She understood. She was doing nothing wrong but how does she know his intentions. Maybe he was just being nice. Upon further questioning she mentioned she was with him and another female coworker and he mentioned that since the birth of his newborn he has not gotten laid and is in dire need. Now I know why he invited her to share the umbrella. Boundaries are there for a reason and we as married people have to make sure we respect them. Your husband is crossing the line in so many ways it is not even remotely a possibility that he is innocent.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Keep reading on "coping with infidelity"....

So many threads begin with "is this cheating" and almost immediately to.....It is an EA, to I just found out the EA is a PA....

This happens in just a few days.....Your marriage is in serious danger......

Read the thread for newbies, anf follow the program....It is the best way to stop an EA....

the woodchuck


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

unsure12 said:


> I haven't approached him because in all honesty I've been watching to see if he acts on any of these flirtations; to where it would be true cheating...because I want to make sure I'm not being paranoid.


You are not being paranoid. He should not be flirting with other women. If he want's to act like a single guy, he shouldn't have gotten married. He crossed boundaries big time and you have every right to be pissed. 

It is possible he physically cheated with the co-worker. You don't have any evidence of this, but maybe you could get some. There are some good threads about surveillance. Ways to retrieve deleted texts, keylogging his computer and voice activated recorders. Detailed call logs from your phone provider will tell you who he is calling and texting, but don't reveal that you are doing it as then he will switch to some more clandestine methods of contact that will be harder to spy on. 

In general, you are better off not letting him know you are suspicious of him if you plan to spy. It alert him to be more careful and make it less likely you will dig up any dirt (if there is any to find).

On the other hand, if you feel he hasn't gone physical yet, it's nota bad time to nip it in the bud. Waiting until he physically cheats is waiting too long.

So you have two options, confront about the flirting now. Or lay low and go full James Bond covert operations on him. If you would be willing to leave him if he doesn't stop flirting, then I suggest confronting now. If not, go covert on him. If you confront but don't have a consequence, you will just be teaching him he can walk all over your boundaries with no consequences.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can cheat without leaving your home now, its called sexting, webcams, messaging, Facebook reconnecting with old flames and new ones, and using the phone. It may not be physical but its still cheating and causes major harm. It can also escalate to physical.

Many people "fall in love" this way.

Don't down play it because you are not catching him in the act. Don't let him say is not cheating either.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

unsure12 said:


> I haven't approached him because in all honesty I've been watching to see if he acts on any of these flirtations; to where it would be true cheating..


If you really love him don't wait. If you are ready to end the marriage wait.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<< A couple days ago I looked at his phone and found texts going back and forth and he said he loved her and she said she loved him more. My husband is a fun loving happy guy and so I'm not totally convinced that it was some true declaration of love but teasing banter with someone he has a crush on. Also not too long ago he opened a Facebook account and he became connected to someone he grew up with (she lives in puerto rico & we live in CA). We were looking at his facebook page and I asked who she was and at first he said he didn't know and then he was oh that's a girl from my neighborhood. I found 2 calls on his phone to her which he deleted. He has also deleted the text he's sent her--although there haven't been too many. The reason I'm not convinced that he's acted out is because he always comes home from work and doesn't go to the bar after work with his friends so if nothing else he hasn't had the opportunity. Also because he is so outgoing and likes to joke around I'm not sure if it's just fun flirting. Also he doesn't communicate with these women daily it's every once in a while. I haven't approached him because in all honesty I've been watching to see if he acts on any of these flirtations; to where it would be true cheating...because I want to make sure I'm not being paranoid. >>

If he is deleting texts , he is hiding something. You are obviously not happy about it. The "I love yous" are a deal breaker for me. That crosses the line unless it's a family member, it just does, and you know it. Even if it's only an online/phone. thing it's wrong. My H's affairs were never physical, but they were very hurtful to me.

You need to talk and set boundaries, he needs to stop this contact with her or anyone else if it is going this way. This will not end on it's own, it will only get worse for you if you don't act.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

unsure12 said:


> ...I also want to make sure that I point out that I am not a jealous person....


I actually believe that, because for most people I know, his behavior would be plenty to get jealous about. You let him off the hook pretty easy, continuously.

First, he is no longer allowed to delete texts and conversations he has with other women. He has crossed the line too many times, and if you were talking to men like that, he would be pretty upset about it.

He flirts too much for a married man. It's not acceptable, and if I was that chick's fiance, I would not appreciate this dude sexting my wife-to-be. 

You guys need to talk....lay out your concerns, set some boundaries and he needs to respect your feelings about this.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Just wanted to chime in and say that my husband always came home from work on time and I found out he had been having an affair for 6 mos with a woman he worked with. You arent with him at all so you dont know where he goes for lunch, who he goes with, etc. You are giving him way too much benefit of the doubt!


This... co-workers are hard to catch, they spend so much time together, can call in sick, take long lunches, show up late for work or leave early together and still appear to be on schedule. Lots of time to plan..


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

If it bothers you enough to have to ask others, then yes. The perception of cheating depends on the individual...some see talking as cheating while others only think it's cheating when intercourse takes place.

At the least he's crossing unset boundaries and being highly inappropriate with these women. Overly friendly leaves an open invitation to further interaction which you can not be certain of the outcome. Why risk it???

Throwing the "love you" around to other women in my home would equate to my H eating his testies for dinner


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

How is HIS perception of your sex life? Do you enjoy sex with him and initiate? Of course, you don't have to answer; it's more for your own answering. I only ask this because I know some spouses act that way in order to fulfill a need (wrongfully of course). And yes, telling another woman he loves her is cheating. I dare say texting another woman without your wife's approval is bad, regardless of content. That's not cool. This almost always leads to something physical as someone above mentioned.


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## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

First off I want to thank everyone for their responses and advice. It is nice to have somewhere to go to discuss this because I haven’t told anyone about it. As for our sex life I’m definitely not a prude-sometimes it’s very good and other times it’s nonexistent. When it is non-existent more often than not it’s because I get frustrated because I want affection that doesn’t have to lead up to sex. I’ve expressed to my husband that I’d like for him to do some simple things like sit on the couch next to me in the evening and just cuddle up and watch TV. He has responded by telling me that the couch is uncomfortable so he likes sitting in his favorite chair, or that he would if he knew he would get something out of it (not exactly in those words). He’s not pushy to where he tries and forces himself on me but he wants it when he wants it, and I guess its passive aggressive but if I’m not getting my affection I’m not for the lack of a better term “putting out”. Although it may sound manipulative when I first found the texts I decided to have sex with my husband more often to see if he would stop texting and I didn’t notice a difference.
Here is some background on us. We are both 42 years old; we started dating when we were 19, we were each other’s first, and have been married 20 years. Unfortunately we don’t have any children although we’ve been trying for years. As you can see our marriage isn’t perfect, and I’m not blind but it’s hard for me to believe he would cheat on me. We aren’t the type to have big fights but when we do get irritated or annoyed with each other we bicker and then it’s over. My husband is the “nice guy” that everyone likes; I honestly don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. He is mellow and I am not into drama; I like living a nice quiet simple life. When my parents were ill before they passed away he was so supportive and involved in helping out. We spend time together and do things and generally have a good time. Whenever I have needed him he has been there for me. My family always joked that if we ever got a divorce they would keep him instead of me. I think most people think our marriage is about as perfect as it realistically could be. I’m not trying to make him out to sound like a saint because he definitely has his faults, and I don’t want to portray myself as the perfect wife who has been done wrong because I know I have my own issues as well. I’ve been going over things in my mind trying to classify what’s been going on. Is this a midlife crisis where he wants to make sure he’s still attractive to women? Since we got together so young did he not get to “sew his wild oats”? Is he trying to find an outlet for sexual frustration? Is he bored in our marriage? Is he no longer attracted to me? Trust me I know there is no justification for his behavior. And although I need to figure out when or how to resolve this should I take a step back and take a time out to make sure I handle this right instead of going in with guns blazing since the women he’s communicated either no longer live in the state or never have and so the physical aspect isn’t possible…although I know the emotional aspect is. I guess I had always thought of cheating as some sort of physical contact…after reading everyone’s posts I am looking at things differently. Again it’s so hard for me to believe my husband would behave this way…I have to admit I feel a bit lost.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

First of all, what he is doing is wrong. You need to set your boundaries. However, you witholding sex is worse! If you are trying to drive him into someone else's arms, you are doing a great job.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you need to get as much clarity as possible about what he is actually doing before you confront him. This means some more investigating on your part. Don't chalk this up to a mid-life crisis. That's what people always say when they are faced with the prospect of a cheating spouse. The issue right now is the cheating, which he is doing. You need to get as much information as possible about that and then you confront him.

You say he's made some phone calls to the old 'friend'. Buy a VAR and attach it in the place where he would make calls - this is commonly in the car, often to and from work. Hide it well and keep it secure with some velcro. Then sit back for a week or two and wait. Keep checking fb, phone logs, etc. Look for secret accounts. You can try a keylogger if possible.

In short, try to calm down right now and gather information so that you are in a strong position to deal with him when you confront him.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

This is difficult this

Thing is in a long term relationship you tend to drift into behavioral patterns and end up noticing years later that it is nothing like it was !

This can be good as well as bad however the long leash of trust is often a casualty. people being people will find something they like, find it a bit risque and start pushing the boundaries.

You will also help/enable in this as you 'know' deep down 'he'll never hurt me'

Bu these relationships are often in more danger than any others because - there is no boundary! it's all based (as it should be in the land of fairies and sweetness) on love and trust alone.
That's great whilst two of you adhere to that but the moment that starts to rupture even in a nice way it opens up a crack that can become a fissure that can then allow anything to happen 

I used the phrase in my first response 'slippery slope'. In every marriage there is one already there waiting for one of you / us to step on it. It's what you do about it that decides the fate of everything.

I like you was married to the life and soul of popularity. Years of serial adultery and countless betrayals of kids other marriages families and she's still largely getting away with it based upon her infectious bubbly all befriending personality.

Not with me anymore as we close to final divorce thank god but even now people find it very difficult to accept the sheer weight of her infidelities and cake eating which puts you . me in a very difficult position 

A word of warning it's actually one of the insidious reasons people like this do what they do "no one will believe it - not me"

Sadly the newsfor you is that they will they do it and for years one end, no matter how nice, how trusting how 'giving' they seem - he WILL hurt you - he IS hurting you this walking epitome of perfect man AND FROM CHOICE.

A lot of it will be your fault, but in an indirect way - you love him all encompassingly so you dont want to believe any of it and will do your utmost to keep the ship steady. 

Again I often find many people on not confronting not facing up to it from fear.
Knowing what I know now about cheaters of every single type I would never be arsed any more with it. Your gut feelings are never wrong - EVER. It's the one certainty if you look through every thread on this forum. That said if he loves you and has nothing really serious to hide he will understand your feelings and do whatever you need him to do to make you happy with the knowledge that nothing is happening.

If he has a problem with you looking at phones texts deleting etc etc then go straight to number ten tell him you are finished and will divorce him straight up unless today this stops. Also tell him that every single person you both know will know about this in a day too, so his Mr perfect persona will take a colossal battering as well family friends work - the lot go straight to the point. 

I often watch as a spouse goes through months of testing the water, fearfully uncovering a bit of evidence here and there 
- fk it, this is your heart he is ripping up. Do not stand for any of that shvt for a second . Would he, were it reversed? 

Should you ***** foot around with this from what I've seen on here you will get gaslighted trickled and eventually guess what, you will be doing exactly what Ive said anyway but would have gone through the mincer for two months instead of a few days

I did not have a facility like this brilliant site to bounce my situation around with so many other experienced people and I'm gutted about that because I would have saved myself years of heart ache If I had. What I've learned is that I'd have taken no prisoners gone straight for his her balls right from the off. 

One basic fundamental dna in the cheat is that they will only ever see forgiveness understanding charity kindness reasonableness as a "phew" "now I can carry on" - a great big green light. 

It's why 'the 180' is about the only way to deal with them. 
This may seem hard and hopefully you wont get that far but you need to wise up and fast

Good luck


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

" My husband is the “nice guy” that everyone likes; I honestly don’t know anyone who doesn’t like him. He is mellow and I am not into drama"


Just a small FYI. This Is my husband's personality to a Tee and he is a serial cheater. I hear this personality trait a lot amongst cheaters so Please don't let the nice guy thing keep you from investigating.

Years ago, I married a good quiet farm boy that everyone liked, just so there would be no drama. Sigh...........


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## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

I thought about it, and I've decided I am going to continue to watch and see what he's doing. However after taking some of KanDo's comments into consideration I am going to change some of the things I do. I will make sure he has sex when he wants it and I'll make sure I initiate as well. I'm going to start doing other things as well like wearing make-up on the weekends around the house not just during the week when I go to work or when we go out; making sure my legs aren't stubbly, and wear my contacts more often...things like that. I won't be his slave by any stretch but I'll be more attentive, and I'm going to see what he does. If he continues his contact then I'll know it has nothing to do with him not feeling "satisfied" and then I can sit down and talk to him. I won't show or tell him about the evidence I have and see how he takes it. If after that if he continues his communications with these women then I'll have my answer about our relationship. Boy does this suck...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You'd be wise to get the VAR set up.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Its very suspicious behavior

Id investigate


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## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> Its very suspicious behavior
> 
> Id investigate


I totally agree with you. I plan on doing just that while being intimate with him more often. One way or the other I plan on having a sit down with him eventually, when we do I want to make sure he can't use lack of sex as justification. I also really want to see what difference giving him all the attention he could want makes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I have to say and what do you think you will be feeling at the end of it all? nomatter what the outcome after he has put you in the position you are in now where you have to be behaving like this to stay in the marriage


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## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I have to say and what do you think you will be feeling at the end of it all? nomatter what the outcome after he has put you in the position you are in now where you have to be behaving like this to stay in the marriage


I have to say that I have thought about the same thing. And you are right. I know in some form I'll be feeling animosity for doing it like this. It's just that we've been together so long and just with the type of person I've always thought him to be I guess I want to be sure that it wasn't something I did or didn't do that made him feel the need to act like this...I guess it's for my own peace of mind. I looked at things from KanDo's perspective and I figure I'll see if making sure he gets more "attention" if it makes a difference. But I do think about the fact that I'd want my husband to want me and not need to go somewhere else no matter what the situation the frequency of sex is or having to act or look my best at all times...and who knows maybe that' not even going to matter to him. But I think I'll feel better knowing one way or the other. But again you are absolutely right. Thanks for the comment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If it hurts you, then maybe it might be cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Usually, if the thread's title is "Is he/ she cheating" the answer is yes. So, if you're wondering "Is this cheating ? ", you already know it is. Listen to your gut.


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## unsure12 (Jul 11, 2013)

Help..have I been overly paranoid? I did a little snooping and now not sure where I stand and what’s going on regarding how my husband feels or what he’s thinking. After reading the Positives and Negatives I’m not sure if I was looking at things wrong, or if they perhaps weren’t as bad as I thought. Don’t get me wrong I know his deleting texts and phone logs shows me that he is doesn’t want me seeing things which is definitely wrong. 
So I was looking at my husband’s iPhone and found a voicemail in his deleted box that hadn’t been cleared. It was from the girl who he used to work with, she apparently was returning a missed call from him. My husband his Hispanic and she started off her voicemail with “Hi Papi” but then relayed that she would be back in town at the end of the month and is “excited to see you guys (plural)” and ended with “love you, talk to you later”. I was also going through his facebook and found a post from a couple of months ago where he had posted a photo of himself and she wrote “so handsome (then a winking smiley face)”.
Positive:
-Her voicemail message said she was excited to see “you guys” which was plural…not only addressed to him.
-When she said she loved him it didn’t sound romantic, it was kind of quick like something you might say to a family member.
-They don’t communicate very often so it doesn’t seem as though they are obsessed with each other.
-If she felt guilty or secretive about her relationship with my husband why would she write the comment “so handsome (winking smiley face)” on his Facebook page where everyone could see it?
-On Facebook after she got engaged (and after he commented “Noooooo”) he congratulated her and she responded with a simple “thank you.”
-If something funky was going on why would he have a goodbye BBQ for her at our house?
-On Facebook she was very excited about her engagement—would she be so happy if she were hung up on my husband?

Negative: 
-Why is she calling my husband “Papi?”
-Why is my husband calling her?
-Why was he always deleting the text messages and call log entries from her?
-Why did they have a text exchange (that he forgot to delete) where she sent him a message at work where she asked him to do something at work and texted, “if you do I’ll give you…or a kiss” and he responded “just a kiss.”
-They texted recently where he said “I love you” and she responded “I love you more”—wasn’t a voicemail so I couldn’t hear how it was said—but to see her say “I love you more” seems kind of odd.
-Why did my husband respond “Noooooooo” when she announced on Facebook that she was engaged?
-When we did have the BBQ at our house why did my husband’s coworker’s wife come up and ask him why we were having the BBQ? The way she asked was like she was told something (either that they had something going on or that my husband had a big crush on her) and was chuckling.

I'm still watching him...but should I be as worried as I was? I hate having to look at his Facebook and phone when he's not looking...and I feel like I'm doing it all the time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Should you be worried? Are you paranoid?

I don't know if worrying will help, and I don't think you are paranoid.

Hiding stuff and lying, including by omission, is the basic common thread in all of the cheating situations you read here. This is not "just friends," I'm sure there is no guy friend of your husband's who got engaged where your husband posted "Nooo" and all of the other stuff you posted.

It's one thing to think something in your head about how attractive one of your co-workers is or how much you think they are sexy, it's another thing to act on it by posting flirty messages.

To me, this is not acceptable. It is at a minimum disrespectful, probably hurtful, and borderline unfaithful.

My advice would be to approach it from that angle. It's OK if he has friends, but the stuff he is posting and the way he is deleting make it clear that she is unlike any other friend he has, in fact, it makes it clear she is not "just a friend." It is hurtful and disrespectful to you that he posts the things he does that others can see, and that he hides his messages with her by deleting them, thus sharing stuff with her that he doesn't share with you. You should ask him to cease contact with her on those grounds, that this has crossed the "friends" line and moved into "possible romantic interest" territory.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

unsure12 said:


> I thought about it, and I've decided I am going to continue to watch and see what he's doing. However after taking some of KanDo's comments into consideration I am going to change some of the things I do. I will make sure he has sex when he wants it and I'll make sure I initiate as well. I'm going to start doing other things as well like wearing make-up on the weekends around the house not just during the week when I go to work or when we go out; making sure my legs aren't stubbly, and wear my contacts more often...things like that. I won't be his slave by any stretch but I'll be more attentive, and I'm going to see what he does. If he continues his contact then I'll know it has nothing to do with him not feeling "satisfied" and then I can sit down and talk to him. I won't show or tell him about the evidence I have and see how he takes it. If after that if he continues his communications with these women then I'll have my answer about our relationship. Boy does this suck...


If you do this, it could improve your marriage, but it probably won't change your husband's behavior regarding the flirting with other women.

From what you've posted, I would agree your husband has a crush, but I am not so certain that he would act on it. He may just like the attention and feeling that he still has "it," that other women still find him attractive. Then again, maybe he would act on it if he had the opportunity. It's hard to tell.

The one thing that bothers me most about your husband's behavior is the deleting. That shows a couple of things: 1-he knows the communication is "wrong"; he can't later claim that it was all just innocent friendly stuff, joking between friends (if it was, why delete? Why have conversations that would be hurtful to your spouse?); and 2-it is not just focused on one person; now a second person (the old girl from where he grew up) has become something he will lie about and delete, too; this makes it seem like he may be "shopping" around.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If he's having voice calls with either of these women, the voice-activated recorder might be a good idea. Put it under the seat of his car with heavy-duty Velcro and in the house where he is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. See if you can pick up one of these conversations and find out exactly what your husband is saying.

I would not delay on this.

If you are not going to do the VAR thing, then you might as well just confront him now. The sooner the better. If you want to try your "be more attentive, look better, initiate more sex" thing first, go ahead, but don't wait too long. The longer you wait, the deeper in he will get, and the more resentful you will become.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Interesting this

Look, how does every illicit affair / infidelity start?

There has to be a starting point. Rarely do two people bump into each other and right there and then it's lets - "have an affair" - yipee!

No, they think "mm he shes a bit of okay" 
"ooo they're married shame or I would" .... 
coffee at work lunch 
'chance' meeting 
"oh my husband doesn't understand me" 
dress a bit nicer - 'for her' 
flirty texts, 
work trip away 
closer physical greeting and goodbyes 
brushes of hands 
holding a bit longer 
(don't want my wife to see that text bit naughty - mmm but I like it! 
Damn it better delete it / them 
.......
......etc 
............etc


It's that simple then - BANG!

This is the slippery path and it ends, if unopposed, in one way only. I've just explained the start of about 90% of every adultery ever committed / to be committed

You can mix and match up the order of the above BUT, it all goes to the same place 

If you want to confront take this list, add to it, and put it next to your husbands dinner plate tonight 
Explain to him, nomatter what his protest, that unless he deals with this today you will as likely end up divorced and that's a fact.

You are still married to him still love him and want to stay that way but if this does not stop now - there will be a consequence and that will be the finish of you as an item.

I just re read your first post and you need to nail his arse right now for this.

If you do not confont him and leave it for more evidence I think you'll be too late imo

You are in a place a lot of bs victims go past, not knowing they have a chance to do something about it now.

Again ultimately if it's all innocent he should not worry in the slightest about your fears but respect them and allay them 

Hopefully you'll kick his backside and knock some sense into him! Let us know how it goes


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Your marriage is in danger,

You and he need to understand the mechanics of the EA /EA's he is having/about to have.

You need to confront him about the things you have gathered outside of the real snooping.

Secure first the evidence you have untill now. Don't tell about the sources, and the things you only can know from them.

He and you need to talk about boundaries, and make agreements on them. 

Then you need to work on whether he is as 'loving' to you as he seems to be to other women. If not, which I think, then you will want to grow together again to a state of real love.

It can be done, and I think like other posters mentioned you have to take action now. But keep monitoring while you work on it.

Good luck!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

at the very least it's inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage. 

you need to nip this in the bud.


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