# Wife wants to move out



## TLTS

Hi all,

We got married 9 years ago, it was an absolute blessing and we have been superbly happy together. We have always been seen as the 'perfect couple'. Her parents were absolutely supportive to us, even though we were from very very different background (she is of asian descent, the first in her family generation to get married and that to a non-asian person). Nothing to fear, absolutely confident about our future. We both live very far from our family (hers in Asia, mine in Europe and we are in Australia). This was all good as long as we trusted that the other will always be there no matter what. When my mum got very sick, I was not inclined to move back to Europe because I had my lovely wife by my side.

Back in January, after spending 2 months between Australia and Europe to help my dad/sister getting over my mum's passing, I became close to a work colleague of mine, a woman. The relationship was very professional and we never saw each other apart for work during working hours. But we had mutual interests and I felt strongly about our friendship. Meanwhile, my wife was still struggling to find a job (global crisis) in Australia and was clearly needing me to support her. I wasn't there. I was buried at work where things were easier, enjoying for the first time in my professional life, the support of my colleague. 

My wife didn't approved of this work relationship and told me that my female colleague was flirting with me. In all honesty, I had not noticed but, in all honesty, I didn't really act on it. My first mistake. It was flattering and from where I stood, this person was the only one not needing anything from me, but giving me a lot. 

In February this year, I went with many other people of my work to a conference and came back a day after the planned return. My 2nd mistake: I lied to my wife telling her that I was going there with a male colleague when in fact it was that woman flying there and back with me (different teams of the company joining at different time, meant I was travelling just with her).

Nothing happened that was not purely professional except that I discovered my female work colleague was after more than I thought. Hence the delayed return, sorting things out. I did question myself whether I wanted more, but reached the conclusion that I was happily married to the most wonderful person in the world.

My wife knew (they always do) that I lied, but did not talk to me about it for some time. It just bugged her in silent until she insisted and insisted. I was scared to tell her, coward to admit that I had questioned my marriage and had not acted when she asked me to. My 3rd mistake. I finally gave in and told her everything.

After many late nights discussions, she left Australia to travel the world for 3 weeks, hoping that this will give her some clarity.

She came back this week, wearing her wedding ring on the wrong hand and telling me she wants to move out, she doesn't want to decide for how long, just to be on her own, in a different place (our place is great but has little light, not very uplifting).

She says, quite rightly, that this has shown that I won't necessarily be there next time things are tough for her (she had the toughest time, right when I was at this conference). She says my action has shattered the trust she had. She knows I am not to repeat the same mistakes again but that she needs to decide whether to give us another chance. 

I fully understand and take full responsibility for all of this. I tell her that I understand and that I respect her decision. If she feels like some time off is best for her, then I am ready to give it to her. But at the same time, I don't want her to thing that I don't give a damn about whether she moves out or not.

I truly think I have been a complete idiot, I have flirted, went too far (even though nothing physical, nothing at all happened), I have lied to the most important person to me. Since then, this person has left the country, I have cut all ties with her, delete her entirely from anything, offered my wife all my passwords, told me wife the whole truth all the time since then... She says she knows I won't lie to her again.... but I wasn't there when she needed me.

It has been a tough year for me (my mum's passing, followed by my mum's mum with whom I was close, followed by 2 close friends of mine) and for her (a year unemployment, followed me to a new country, let her friends and support behind and her husband, me, not there for her).

Should I support her idea of moving out, clearing some space, giving her time? But what if .... she is the future mother of my children... she is all I have in fact. 

Please some advice (and thanks for reading this long message).


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

Start with a sincere and contrite apology. Humbly ask for forgiveness. Ask her to stay. Don't support her idea of moving out but let her go if she has to. Get counseling for both of you.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Pick up "winning your wife back before it's too late" by Gary Smalley. Implement the ideas. Do NOT support a separation, but be willing to give it if she pursues it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TLTS

Thank you too for your comments. She has been on-line looking for apartments but found it hard. Since then, there has been few signs that she is not in rush. I have given her some space this week end, and she has been out meeting friends. We are off to the movies tonight. I am not going to talk to her about moving out, i am stepping up at home, being the nicest husband, trying to let her breath. I will let you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TLTS

Well I thought I would ask your opinion on the recent developments.

My wife still wants to move out, she is even talking about going back to her last trip destination where she says she met some real genuine people that make her feel loved and worthy. 

But she has not moved out yet, in fact, she has barely searched for an apartment (as far as I can see) and is still making up her mind.

She hasn't decided if she wants to give me another chance and says this is not her priority at the moment. Her priority she says is to take care of herself and learn to love herself again.

She is still living in the house, but says she hates it, while doesn't really want to talk to me or engage any anything that involves both of us. We still sleep in the same bed but I go to bed and she tends to wait until I'm fast asleep to come up.

Yesterday, she told me (in fact kind of asked me) if she could take her wedding ring off to lift the weight/burden and suffocating it brings her.

What should I make of this? Has she decided but waiting to be materially ready to ****** off, or what? 

THanks for your help here, I'm not making much sense of it all at this stage.

TLTS


----------



## TLTS

Well things are not progressing. She said yesterday that she now waits for the right time to resigned from work and go to Nepal for a year. I fail to see how this is going to help us.

But she insist I keep putting money aside on our saving account to which only she has access.

The wedding ring has left her fingers this weekend.

What do I make of all that? I know I lied and flirted with someone, but this seems (to me) far greater price to pay.

Some honnest advice please please please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega

Well, she's entitled to feel what she feels. Trust was broken, and some people just can't get past that.

On the other hand, if her wedding ring has left her fingers, then it's time for a divorce. I personally wouldn't tolerate a wife that doesn't want to be married, but still wants me to fund her savings account. That's something for the lawyers to work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

When the ring came off you should stop putting any money aside for her. You are financing her war chest to leave you and the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega

Yes. Your entitled to 50 percent of that savings account. Even if it's in her name. Lawyer up. Tell her you need account numbers and amounts in the accounts for the lawyers.

Btw. What was missing from your marriage? I mean, you were getting something from the EA that your wife wasn't giving you. Hence, the EA. 

Also, one year in Nepal is a long time. Personally, I would, under the circumstances, not be inclined to wait that long for her to decide on the outcome of the marriage.

You messed up, yes. And she feels what she feels. But there are limits to everything, good or bad. 

Any other comments from other posters? I'm torn on this one. It's like "reverse Cake eating" to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southernmagnolia

I don't see as how you have a choice in regards to her leaving and from what you describe she is DONE. Maybe she is someone who just can't deal with what happened or maybe she was someone who was looking for an out anyway. 

If I were you, I'd see a lawyer and not let guilt cause you to screw yourself over. It's one thing to be fair but another thing to let someone take advantage of you because of guilt.

Maybe she will be able at some point to reconcile but it doesn't look like it. Sometimes you just have to let go and move on as difficult as it is.


----------



## TLTS

Hi everyone,
I have kept silent a bit, admitedly because I am not sure I want to acknowldege your various advices to call in the lawyers. So I have soldiered on. Until my wife admitted she felt strange and sad to see me keeping myself busy and finding some happiness and equilibrium. I indeed have kept busy, going for bike rides on weekends, join a meditation class (which is unheard of me but that I enjoy very much). Recently she said she doesn't want to move out anymore. I should have been celebrating, but I am not sure if this is what I was preparing myself for. 
She hasn't put her ring back on, she still refuse any contact be it a kiss, holding my arm or hand. When I take her in my arm, it's a bit like holding a statue. I know she likes it and need it but won't let herself go.
I have a feeling that we have made progress but I am running out of patience a bit. It's like a punishment she enjoys to make last. We have not talked about her trip to Nepal since she mentioned it, or about me not putting saving into our common account. I really don't know how to feel. This situation I fear is making me growing away from her. And I feel like when she might be ready to enjoy the couple again, it might too late for me. I know it's also something she reproaches me: run away when it's hard.
Should I talk to her, taking the risk of showing her she is right and erasing all progress to zero, or should I resume my calm/quiet happy solo activities which will take me further away on the stable solo path (I fear)? Or something else? My family suggest confronting her a bit more, asking her to make up her mind soon and stick to her decision. I can't see her, proud, reacting positively to that.

Thanks for your advises.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TLTS

Well, its been some time since I posted. But essentially, nothing has changed. Since July, no intimacy, no holding hands, no hugs, no kisses and she still isn't wearing her wedding ring.
Things in fact are getting worst I feel. Our life is exactly the same as before, I am trully working on being attentive and responsible. But it's companionship and house sharing more than hubby and wife. She does not pick up phone calls during the day or answer text messages. Gone out tonight with girlfriend to go see a movie, which doesn't actually show tonight (I've checked).
My wife is gone into the realm of "I don't owe anything to anyone, such like I can't count on anyone anymore".
She says "I don't know" when I ask ger if she loves me or see a future in us.
I can't really continue like that, I need emotional contact and some warmth.

Should I put my cards on the table? It's been 3 months now afterall. Please help... I'm lost
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

TLTS said:


> She came back this week, wearing her wedding ring on the wrong hand and telling me she wants to move out, she doesn't want to decide for how long, just to be on her own, in a different place (our place is great but has little light, not very uplifting).



This is your post in August.

Something happened on her trip. Had one night stand?


----------



## aug

TLTS said:


> Well, its been some time since I posted. But essentially, nothing has changed. Since July, no intimacy, no holding hands, no hugs, no kisses and she still isn't wearing her wedding ring.
> Things in fact are getting worst I feel. Our life is exactly the same as before, I am trully working on being attentive and responsible. But it's companionship and house sharing more than hubby and wife. She does not pick up phone calls during the day or answer text messages. Gone out tonight with girlfriend to go see a movie, which doesn't actually show tonight (I've checked).
> My wife is gone into the realm of "I don't owe anything to anyone, such like I can't count on anyone anymore".
> She says "I don't know" when I ask ger if she loves me or see a future in us.
> I can't really continue like that, I need emotional contact and some warmth.
> 
> Should I put my cards on the table? It's been 3 months now afterall. Please help... I'm lost
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



From your earlier post: "she is of asian descent, the first in her family generation to get married and that to a non-asian person"

Also she had difficulty getting a job? Even a job in a restaurant, for example?

Was she from a poorer country? Was there an economic reason for her to marry you?

Anyways, looks like she has checked out of the marriage.


----------



## TLTS

No there has been no adventure during her trip.
And no, we have trully been in love and got married because it felt right. In fact I had $20 on my bank account on our wedding day, I was the one needing a visa, if anything, I'd the suspect.

We talked a lot last night and she said "you hurt me and betrayed me, suck it up".
I did do these things, but I think we are going nowhere now but only growing apart (I said). I want to fight for it, she wants me to suck it up, assume and fight. But I really felt she was done with me last night. Big mistake I made it seems, only highlighting my "aversion for responsabilities".


----------



## Tommo

Let's see if I got this right: your wife wants to move out???

You should chug down a bottle of Dom Perignon.

Geez!


----------



## TLTS

She said yesterday that she wants to go back to Nepal for Christmas, alone.

Is she trying to tell me something or can someone take so long to recover? It's been 4 months now.

I'm lost!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## avenrandom

I am unsure how you hurt your wife (if it was more than an EA / extent etc), but 4 months is a drop in the bucket for someone who feels betrayed- two years is a common estimate given.

So, four months later, still not wearing the wedding ring, didn't move out, but wants to take time away without you. No matter if you hurt her, if she's not attempting to participate in the marriage, then you shouldn't sit idle waiting for her to come around. You need to decide what YOU want, and if she isn't on the same path... then start moving on with your life. Get the papers yourself, because if she's gone this long without repercussions, there is no telling how long she will string you along for.


----------



## TLTS

avenrandom said:


> . No matter if you hurt her, if she's not attempting to participate in the marriage, then you shouldn't sit idle waiting for her to come around.


I tried to discuss this with her last week. She got upset saying "it's your fault suck it up" and "so 4 months is all you are prepare to give our relationship".

It is hard to respond to that without falling into selfishness and irresponsability.

At this stage I don't know what I want, but my days are simpler when spent on my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her

She is punishing you. Unforgiveness/bitterness/resentment are killers. What she doesn't realize is that she is a prisoner in her own mind created by these things. This all depends on you. Majority of people on this website say things like, "If she is unwilling to participate, leave." I have a different take. Start working on you. Let her do her thing. You do your thing. Become a better man. When she needs a friend, be there for her. Too many people quit when life gets hard because their only concern is how it affects "ME". 

However, two years is a good benchmark assuming she doesn't latch onto a third party during the process. Don't live a life of regret. Do what you "promised" to do. Let it play out.


----------



## TLTS

Thank you Dedicated2her. That's why i dedicated myself and refused to give up. It is hell however, regardless of what I say and do. Today, i am being reproached for asking her if she needs a spoon to eat her rice, not guessing right, for telling her a funny story that happened to me today that 'does not matter. And when if a good deed is noticed, it is twisted backward to become the ultimate proof that I am not attentive. 
I know I should man-up but when does one stop becoming a slave to a mind that refuses to see any light.
Maybe I am not in a position for asking this, but how little can one be made to feel by the same person that asks for attention?
It's like she shouldn't be married to me but to her identical self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TLTS

This morning she is talking about resigning from work!!!
She still wants to go to Nepal for Christmas, i know she wants to go there for a year. I'm tempted to support this idea now. Should I or is all this talk a SOS i'm not registering? She's done research for work, visa and tickets (her bookmarks in computer)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

TLTS said:


> This morning she is talking about resigning from work!!!
> She still wants to go to Nepal for Christmas, i know she wants to go there for a year. I'm tempted to support this idea now. Should I or is all this talk a SOS i'm not registering? She's done research for work, visa and tickets (her bookmarks in computer)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What?!? What's in Nepal for her? Is she catching up with another traveller she met in one of her earlier trip?

It doesnt make sense why she would want to go there (if she's not from there).

She's making you feel guilty. She's using you to finance her. Something is not right. 

She's behaving poorly. If there is a problem in your marriage, she should stay to work it out. Not to go traveling to various places around the world. 

Something is not right. Stop enabling her.


----------



## TLTS

Aug, her rational is that if she doesn't enjoy her work here, her marriage goes down and her family overseas (pressuring her to forgive me), there's nothing for her here. So she should go where she last felt cared for. That's today's rational at least.



aug said:


> What?!? What's in Nepal for her? Is she catching up with another traveller she met in one of her earlier trip?
> 
> It doesnt make sense why she would want to go there (if she's not from there).
> 
> She's making you feel guilty. She's using you to finance her. Something is not right.
> 
> She's behaving poorly. If there is a problem in your marriage, she should stay to work it out. Not to go traveling to various places around the world.
> 
> Something is not right. Stop enabling her.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TLTS

She is back from a trip back home and is still talking about going overseas, helping her brother build up his business. The tempatation is genuine. But I feel like she is waiting for me to say, ok we move back there. After only 2 years where we are, with no emplyment back home for her and for me.
Although a great mark of respect and love, moving back isn't going to resolve our problem and I can't really give up a good job for unemployment, I don't feel that I love her enough anymore for that. I am tempted to suggest her she goes there and we'll see.
Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

She has mentally left the marriage.


----------



## TLTS

aug said:


> She has mentally left the marriage.


So should I let her go? Maybe for a few months period see how it pans out?

"mentally" isn't "emotionally", right?

Does she need a break, get this freedom for a while, get it out of the system?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

Here's what I see is happening:

- your wife is using the excuse of your relationship with the OW (was it an emotional or physical affair?) to justify all her trips and refusal to work.

- she traveling on her own

- she took off her wedding ring

- she does not want to work on the marriage

- you're funding her


If she refuses to work on the marriage, then the marriage is over. Marriage only works if both parties want it to.

May I suggest you stop funding her trips and stop enabling her poor behavior. Encourage her to be self-supporting and independent. If she stays with you to work on the marriage, then that goes a long way to show she's interested in the marriage.

Otherwise let her go.


----------



## TLTS

aug said:


> Here's what I see is happening:
> - your wife is using the excuse of your relationship with the OW (was it an emotional or physical affair?) to justify all her trips and refusal to work.
> - she traveling on her own
> - she took off her wedding ring
> - she does not want to work on the marriage
> - you're funding her
> If she refuses to work on the marriage, then the marriage is over. Marriage only works if both parties want it to.
> 
> May I suggest you stop funding her trips and stop enabling her poor behavior. Encourage her to be self-supporting and independent. If she stays with you to work on the marriage, then that goes a long way to show she's interested in the marriage.
> 
> Otherwise let her go.


Aug, it was an EA.
I suggested last night that since she is trully unhappy, and for her to be happy was a priority, and since I love her, she should go back home. Stay with her brother and figure things out.
I said that if in a month, or two, or three home is indeed the best place to live, then we'll talk about moving back. I stressed the fact that there is no pressure, no decision to make now, and that she'll know where I am in the meantime. I love her and told her I'll be there. She thanked me and said she'll think about it.
I feel this is a good outcome. It will cost me but I don't care much about that. What I want is break this miserable status quo for both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

