# The many facets of our Sexuality- How it fulfills / it's struggle to find Acceptance.



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

... I love reading about (have a library at home), talking about it, looking at it, learning about it...joking / bantering about it....One could say I am a bit "obsessed" with it....Thankfully my husband gets a charge out of me being this way! 

No subject under the sun has as many layers (from what Sex means to us personally (are we more casual or want Romantic attachment)...to our personalized *Libido types* to *Lover styles* to the joys of "self sex"/ toys, various fetishes to swinging...

Is anything as sweetly intoxicating... as physically pleasuring ....as addictive ...can take us away to another place/ fantasy is born from it's thoughts.... relieve our daily stress, helps us sleep with a  on our faces... or wake with antsy need......

Sex can relieve our physical pain during the act....has the power to emotionally bond 2 people - upsurging their dopamine responses...it is sharing at it's most vulnerable, and with it... carries the awesome responsibility...the potential to create new life. 

Attached with Love...it has the power to Rip our 's out as if they were left beating on the desert ground ...when one has been betrayed in this way.... Can we understand this?

And is there any other subject (outside of communication or $$ issues)...that can cause as much contention/ fights...... heartache, Frustration, climbing resentment ...







...leaving us feeling UNLOVED, slices as our self esteem when we are rejected one too many times... when we question our lovers desire....it crushes us like nothing else can....

Or just not finding satisfaction like the Rolling Stones old tune "..... but I try & I try & I try... I can't get no!.....No "Satisfaction!"  .....while longing for that Love/ passion to once again... consume us with another. 



This Question is about.. What about Sex/ Love making.... fulfills you....and if you are not fulfilled....but long for more...what is THAT MORE....and how have you resolved this conflict of lack.....or if in that process ...maybe *writing this out* can give some "clarity".... and if you have clear walking "deal breakers" (a spouse cheats, a sexless marriage, etc).....

This is just a thread on Reflection...a celebration of what sex is intended TO BE.....but also acknowledging it's heartache when we find we yearn for MORE.... sometimes a lot more...when we can't seem to lay down or find acceptance with our "sexual" realities...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've errr... forgotten what it's like lol


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks a lot, SA! I have 4 looonnnnggg weeks to go before I can partake! LOL!

I read a thread on here maybe earlier this week or last week ... I have no sense of time right now ... but it ask do sex make you feel loved, or do you feel loved when having sex. It was so sad to see that some women (and men too I think) say they do not. I cannot imagine sex without feeling loved. Whether it is passionate love making or raw f***ing when it is over I feel loved and cherised and connect and bonding. Part of that is because there is very few times that my H do not TELL me he love me after sex. He may say it in many different ways but somewhere in that will be the words of how much he love me.

And part is because of who he is and how we treat each other outside of sex. His words "I love you" really just reinforce what he show me. So no matter what bump we get to in the road of marriage, after we have come across it there is no carnage in the road because both he and I have always try to not let the "stuff" that happen become between us as a team.

So yes for me, the sex feels SO good, it satisfy me physically, it bring me to ecstasy. And I know for some that can be enough without the emotion and love part. But not for me. The emotion and the connection at the conclusion bring me to a place like a out of body experience, and I don't know if I would enjoy it so much without that.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm not sure what you're trying to say other than you like sex? :smthumbup:


Yep, me too. Not much to add beyond that


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sex is the fun, naughty, sexy secret I share only with H and he only shares with me.
No-one else knows our sex language or moves or our secrets.
It's just for us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> I'm not sure what you're trying to say other than you like sex? :smthumbup:
> 
> Yep, me too. Not much to add beyond that


Oh ...my opening is giving a wrong impression ... really was looking, hoping for deeper responses...(no pun intended)....

Ok, I will start with my own then...

In the last few days, I have been what I call "triggered".... I have had to find "acceptance" (and struggled in that ...we had fights!)....where I wish for more..I have been very open about this on TAM.... of course it's not going to be a deal breaker for me, that would be insanity...make me a pretty nasty demanding witch of a wife in addition.... though given some of the responses on a few threads in the sex section....namely http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/128418-can-gentleman-become-dominant.html ... I think the majority of women would find my husband a complete BORE....since he struggles with this "Aggressive side" that appears to come so naturally for the majority of men or at least pushing themselves a little.......not that it matters about other women..it doesn't !....

But in it's own way, I know I am NORMAL for desiring that...but it's still a CONFLICT for me that he can not pull this off...at times (much less than 4 yrs ago)..... it is an area I have had to find Acceptance in - love him for what he brings ..."the slow hand with the easy touch" Lover that he has always been....instead of allowing MY desires to take us to a bad place...

Just as some man may have had to "lay down" their wives initiating..it's been like beating their heads against the wall... or trying to get her to orgasm through PIV sex, or a contention over a fetish. I guess what I am asking is too personal (given waiwera's response) it does seem so. Maybe I should just delete! 

I didn't put this in the sex section because it wasn't a personal question for help (which seems to be the rules there) more of a story of how a couple has resolved their sexual conflicts, if that has happened. 

Make more sense now Larry Gray !


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Yeah, it makes sense now. (When I read your last sentence the first time I thought it was a command not a question though - You didn't use a ?!, only a !)

I wouldn't delete it.

I've long thought I need to do a thread. My issue is that when I talk about a wife with a period of LD, so many angry people bash. I made several posts, only to turn around and delete them because I didn't like people trashing my wife. I had anger, but it never over-rode my love.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

SA - I hope you don't delete this thread...

I didn't explain the 'secret' part of my post clearly enough I can see....

I was trying to say what makes my relationship with my hubby 'special' is that it is different from ALL other relationships I have. I have friends I dance with or garden with or work with or drink wine with. I have friends and family I hug and that I love.

But the intimate and sexual relationship I have with hubby is just between the two of us. We know things about each other physically, emotionally and spiritually that no-one else knows.

I guess i'm a natural 'pair bonder'. 
The more bonded I feel the more fulfilled and loved I feel.
Sex is a big part of that for me.

Part of that love is accepting the things I don't like about him....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

waiwera said:


> SA - I hope you don't delete this thread...
> 
> I didn't explain the 'secret' part of my post clearly enough I can see....
> 
> ...


I see a lot of similarities in this post and how I feel about sex between my wife and I, what it does for us and why it's so enjoyable.

For us sex doesn't only * happen* in the bedroom , but we are the type who always have fun together. We always tough each other , fondle each other , play silly games , poke fun at each other , hence sex is always in the air.
It's hard to describe .
It's like working in a gas station and playing with a cigarette lighter all the while. 
Anytime things could easily go boom!

But I like the things we share , because I've never shared it with anyone else.
We both enjoy our life and try to live every aspect of it to the fullest, sex included.
And,
She's always asking for more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> Yeah, it makes sense now. (When I read your last sentence the first time I thought it was a command not a question though - You didn't use a ?!, only a !)


 No not a command , just a slip up. 



> I wouldn't delete it.
> 
> *I've long thought I need to do a thread. * My issue is that when I talk about a wife with a period of LD, so many angry people bash. I made several posts, only to turn around and delete them because I didn't like people trashing my wife. I had anger, but it never over-rode my love.


 Awe ...if you feel compelled ....do a thread....writing things out gives clarity many times... just uplift her if/when the bashing comes in..or ask that hey refrain in this area in your opening post..... 

Heck, I had an onslaught of feeling others were putting down the way my husband *IS *.... when I 1st came here...it was really pi$$ing me off... I let it get under my skin....I was told I would grow to resent him cause he wasn't dominant with me, men like him are weak......bla bla bla.... yet I could see where they were coming from at the same time....

What it did for me was caused me to dig deep seeking to understand him more ...to the why's ....and out of that I came to understand our dynamics better....so it was for the good... anyway, nothing like defending our spouses, and correcting what we feel is wrong...I don't mind these things...I can be "contrary" like that...even enjoy it. 

Others people's opinions ...although it's fun getting feedback and interesting to hear...this will never define any of us... so long as we keep this in mind, it can usually roll off....it's not like anyone can see the whole colorful picture....trying to package us into a box. 



committed4ever said:


> Thanks a lot, SA! I have 4 looonnnnggg weeks to go before I can partake! LOL!


 Oh [email protected]#$ That's a hard time, I could never wait... broke down weeks before..(but I had C-sections).... 

Thank you for being my 1st responder ...this appears a dud thread though! 



> I read a thread on here maybe earlier this week or last week ... I have no sense of time right now ... but it ask do sex make you feel loved, or do you feel loved when having sex. It was so sad to see that some women (and men too I think) say they do not. *I cannot imagine sex without feeling loved*. Whether it is passionate love making or raw f***ing when it is over I feel loved and cherised and connect and bonding. Part of that is because there is very few times that my H do not TELL me he love me after sex. He may say it in many different ways but somewhere in that will be the words of how much he love me.


 that was Avon Pinks thread.. ....It would sadden me greatly to ever feel the Love was drying up or has been ripped from us...I do not believe I could remain with a man where that was absent...I'd climb a mountain to find it again..


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Waiwera's view nails it for me as well. Sex is the special time I get to focus completely on my wife. Its a state of being where I want to explore my wife with all of my senses especially touch. I am a very touchy person but with my wife only. I don't touch other people much if any. As Waiwera said its that aspect that is reserved between me and my wife that nobody else gets. It's our special present to each other.

Recently its been as good as its ever been with my wife. I’ve accepted that her drive is different than mine. I’ve come to understand that her needs to feel secure and comfortable with sex which limits where and when we enjoy it. Do I want more? Yes. Do I want her to feel stressed by it? No. I want it to be something she enjoys and by pushing for more I take her into a zone where she is not comfortable. Recently I have become in tune with the exploration she likes. This is what has made it good recently. We are on the same exploration level right now and it has thus become more satisfying for the both of us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> _Originally Posted by *waiwera*_:
> *I guess i'm a natural 'pair bonder'.
> The more bonded I feel the more fulfilled and loved I feel.
> Sex is a big part of that for me*.


What you said made me think of this.. 







...

Excuse the scientific explanation here...but the study of Prairie voles, so it seems, have unlocked some of the secrets to pair bonding in humans... (We are the same...by the way.) 

Love, Pair-Bonding, and Prairie Voles :: DNA Learning Center

Doctor Larry Young explains that the experience of being in love activates pleasure centers in the brain, and comments that bonding in prairie voles may be similar to humans....



> Of course we don’t know how well the neurochemistry in vole pair-bonding translates to human bonding; we can only speculate at this point. But certainly we know that when people look at images of a loved one or think about a loved one and we do brain scans to look at what parts of the brain are activated, we also see those same reward and reinforcement circuitry activated.
> 
> I think it’s probably pretty clear to anyone who has been in love that being around that individual activates pleasure centers in the brain. So, I think that there’s a lot of evidence that there is at least some commonality between what we see in voles and what may be going on in our own species.





> *Meson said*: Its a state of being where I want to explore my wife with all of my senses especially touch. *I am a very touchy person but with my wife only. I don't touch other people much if any.* As Waiwera said its that aspect that is reserved between me and my wife that nobody else gets. It's our special present to each other.


 I am the same way in this... I feel a little funny even holding another's hand in church, sometimes they ask us to do this in prayer.... I've even passed up free massages in my Mops group... I just care to have the husband lay hands on me, ya know... And he is the same... kinda backwards towards others... but it's OUR special thing...just us, and as we both learned early on...we're both very "touchy /feely". .....once that Love & comfort was established...I would even go as far as to say -this IS the primary reason I feel SO Loved by him...and always have. 



> *Meson said:* Recently its been as good as its ever been with my wife. *I’ve accepted that her drive is different than mine. I’ve come to understand that her needs to feel secure and comfortable with sex which limits where and when we enjoy it. Do I want more? Yes. Do I want her to feel stressed by it? No. *I want it to be something she enjoys and by pushing for more I take her into a zone where she is not comfortable. Recently I have become in tune with the exploration she likes. This is what has made it good recently. We are on the same exploration level right now and it has thus become more satisfying for the both of us.


  Meson...this is the sort of thing I was talking about..

Although you may crave a little MORE in THIS area... you've looked at the bigger picture, and have put yourself down to accommodate "the best experience" it will give the both of you...how to love through it...without any resentment & fully enjoy what you have in the here & now... You got the  of what I was asking..with this thread. 

I really have a hard time believing that even the BEST of marriages don't have a little contention in one way or another....in the sexual, in the emotional, in some aspect of living with each other.....but they've come to "acceptance" of each other...after all we are all imperfect and not totally self-less...we get upset and want what we want sometimes -- this is ...well... just human !


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

My husband lacks some of those "caveman tendencies" too. He can definitely let go and be dominant, but it's not his preferred style. He prefers for the woman to be the initiator/aggressor. The reason for this, he's told me, is because it makes him feel like I can't control myself and really want him. He also thinks that when I'm in control, it's more pleasurable for me and that gives him more pleasure.

At first, I had a bit of a hard time with this. I am naturally more submissive in bed. I like to be thrown around a bit. So I guess in essence, my husband and I both have the same preferencef or our partner to take control in bed. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be a major incompatibility.

I was wrong. I'm actually glad he pushed me to be a bit more dominant, because it awakened a side of myself I didn't know existed. I really like that side of myself, the sexually powerful one. I realized I could be in complete control of my sexuality and pleasure, and I think that fundamentally changed the way I view sex.

I think we have sexually evolved together and it is a continuous process. We have just had to be open to it. Satisfying him brings me a lot of pleasure. So if he likes it, I LOVE it. And vice versa. He just had to be sure that I knew how much he loved and respected me before he released his inner animal. And I have become comfortable with initiating sometimes and taking control.

The way I see it, unless there is truly some kind of basic incompatibility, most sexual issues can be resolved through open communication and a little compromise.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

MrsDavey said:


> I think we have sexually evolved together and it is a continuous process. We have just had to be open to it. Satisfying him brings me a lot of pleasure. So if he likes it, I LOVE it. And vice versa. He just had to be sure that I knew how much he loved and respected me before he released his inner animal. And I have become comfortable with initiating sometimes and taking control.
> 
> The way I see it, unless there is truly some kind of basic incompatibility, most sexual issues can be resolved through open communication and a little compromise.


:iagree:

This describes it well for us. It is an ongoing evolution of learning to pleasure and accept pleasure from each other.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Although you may crave a little MORE in THIS area... you've looked at the bigger picture, and have put yourself down to accommodate "the best experience" it will give the both of you...how to love through it...without any resentment & fully enjoy what you have in the here & now... You got the  of what I was asking..with this thread.


Yes, I crave more. I crave better. But I am like this about everything. I have realized that the love that I get is a gift. I can afford to pay more than she can. Should I look down on it because of this? No. When viewed from her comfort level and desire level she has been giving much more than I. 

The high drive low drive distinctions aren't fully applicable to us. I have learned that she has a high drive. When she wants it she really wants it. If I let her desire build then for a short time I have a high drive wife. I have modified some of our sex play to satisfy me but also at the same time lets her desire grow. This play leaves her feeling desired and not used for a release which in turn has led to more satisfying encounters at other times.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I really have a hard time believing that even the BEST of marriages don't have a little contention in one way or another....in the sexual, in the emotional, in some aspect of living with each other.....but they've come to "acceptance" of each other...after all we are all imperfect and not totally self-less...we get upset and want what we want sometimes -- this is ...well... just human !


Two people together will always have areas of difference. I don't believe in a perfect couple or marriage. There are things I have learned about my wife that explain the safety zone she requires for play and I accept it and work with it. But it is more than acceptance. It is respect. I respect that part of her which is different from me. By my giving her respect and accommodation she feels more loved. That's the whole point our sex lives should show our love not our selfishness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrsDavey said:


> My husband lacks some of those "caveman tendencies" too. He can definitely let go and be dominant, but it's not his preferred style. *He prefers for the woman to be the initiator/aggressor. The reason for this, he's told me, is because it makes him feel like I can't control myself and really want him. He also thinks that when I'm in control, it's more pleasurable for me and that gives him more pleasure.*


 Yep, this sounds very familiar !



> At first, I had a bit of a hard time with this. I am naturally more submissive in bed. I like to be thrown around a bit. *So I guess in essence, my husband and I both have the same preference or our partner to take control in bed. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be a major incompatibility*.


 So happy you chimed in MrsDavey!  That's great to hear of a couple who has overcome in this... I have often wondered how that might play out... with 2 geared "submissive" ... I assume on the vanilla & sensual side....with wanting more, even if you couldn't put your finger on it..... I don't know.... Sounds his *continuing to communicate *what *he desires* helped for your coming out of your comfort zone here, to please him.... 

This was something lost on us...We talked about everything under the sun, but skipped the sexual (some things just seemed so taboo )...for most of our marriage... I always felt satisfied so I didn't feel a need... it was really ME who changed in this.... not my husband... Mid Life threw me for a loop, it was like something in me was "caged" and when it was let out ... it wanted all KINDS of things, everything I felt we missed ..I wanted to DO.....it was a RUSH... 

I once had a poster here ask me specifically what my fantasies revolved around... so I thought about that....I primarily answered >> MY Ravishing the man....without really thinking ...and with his response...it was like a  went on from then there...that we really are a superb match...even though I too would like handled in that way (sometimes) ... I am good to give him what he wants...it comes very natural -after all my inhibitions were gone....it's just something I wasn't fully in touch with. 




> I was wrong. I'm actually glad he pushed me to be a bit more dominant, because it awakened a side of myself I didn't know existed. I really like that side of myself, the sexually powerful one. I realized I could be in complete control of my sexuality and pleasure, and I think that fundamentally changed the way I view sex.


 Wonderful - sometimes we all need a little push. I wish my husband would have done that.. all he cared about is my desire, wanting to be there.. mutuality.. secretly he was always turned on by women "enticing" saying "hey baby , here I am, let's get it on" type thing...and there I was..not really thinking about it so much. 



> The way I see it, unless there is truly some kind of basic incompatibility, most sexual issues can be resolved through open communication and a little compromise.


...sounds good ! ...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think that couples who are comfortable with each other and themselves , but who push the boundaries a little , every now and then , probably reap the rewards?

Just wondering if this could apply in a wide cross section of cases.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

sex with my husband is physically and emotionally fulfilling for many reasons.He's really a fascinating person with so many layers.
We started off awkwardly bc he was so shy and had so many issues with expressing himself.I felt like I was running into a brick wall every time we tried to talk about or have sex that was open and passionate.

I was killing it for us because I was expecting him to be like every other man.Passionate,always rock hard for me,aggressive,and vocal about his desires.

What makes him interesting is he definitely possesses all those abilities like a "normal" man but he shows it in a unique way.There's a level of playfulness about him when it comes to sexual acts and discussions that I've never experienced before.He takes it to a place that makes me feel like a lovesick teenager. I'm addicted to that feeling now instead of longing for him to be something more traditional.It's tough to explain.
He pushes boundaries but does it in such a sweet and subtle way that I really have to pay attention or it will go unnoticed. 

Once I got it through my stubborn skull that his differences from the standard player's handbook didn't doom us to a shy,boring sex life things took off. 
He really takes the time to understand my needs and he wants to talk about things if it doesn't feel right.
A few weeks ago he noticed it was taking me a little longer to get into that sexy zone and later questioned me to make sure I was ok.We talked and I explained it happened a few days every month when I am typically supposed to get a period.He felt better and I felt better that I could put his mind at ease.

It sounds small but questions and conversations like that help make the sex even better.

He was even comfortable enough to admit he's a giver and prefers to give rather than receive.I already knew that but it meant a lot that he was able to vocalize it.

Another talk we had was when I was playing around with him telling him I couldn't wait til later so he could ravage me.He flat out said "sweetie I don't think I'm that guy." 
But we discovered he IS that guy,he is more sweet and subtle about his ravaging though 
In order to make my sexual dialogue apply to him I now tell him how excited it makes me when he's grabby and needy during sex.He'll pull my hair but it's more a caress then tug.He'll go hard and fast but it's always while kissing me on the neck or the mouth and whispering lovey things. 


There was nothing wrong with him or his sexual expression.I had to broaden my mind and my definitions of how sexual expression looks and sounds.


no idea what I'm trying to say here LOL just babbling about the topic I guess.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> *sex with my husband is physically and emotionally fulfilling for many reasons.He's really a fascinating person with so many layers.
> We started off awkwardly bc he was so shy and had so many issues with expressing himself*.


 I dearly love your post ScarletB :thumbup: :thumbup:.. what you say, your beginnings - now being able to look back over this...it's so much like the very words of this old 80's tune... He's So Shy 



> I was killing it for us because I was expecting him to be like every other man.Passionate,always rock hard for me,aggressive,and vocal about his desires.
> 
> What makes him interesting is he definitely possesses all those abilities like a "normal" man but he shows it in a unique way.*There's a level of playfulness about him when it comes to sexual acts and discussions that I've never experienced before.He takes it to a place that makes me feel like a lovesick teenager. I'm addicted to that feeling now instead of longing for him to be something more traditional.It's tough to explain.
> He pushes boundaries but does it in such a sweet and subtle way that I really have to pay attention or it will go unnoticed.*


 Those deeper layers..he allowed you in...because you took the time....you showed you really cared......you know I always enjoy your posts about Him, your journey together.  



> Once I got it through my stubborn skull that his differences from the standard player's handbook didn't doom us to a shy,boring sex life things took off.
> *He really takes the time to understand my needs and he wants to talk about things if it doesn't feel right.*
> A few weeks ago he noticed it was taking me a little longer to get into that sexy zone and later questioned me to make sure I was ok.We talked and I explained it happened a few days every month when I am typically supposed to get a period.*He felt better and I felt better that I could put his mind at ease*.


 My husband is the same way, if he even has a hint that I am "off" in some way, he is very sensitive to our intimacy..or my mood..he will say something , ask me if I am alright......in the past, he was more passive cause I wasn't paying as much attention to him...it was never too bad, but he secretly craved more.



> *It sounds small but questions and conversations like that help make the sex even better.*
> 
> *He was even comfortable enough to admit he's a giver and prefers to give rather than receive.*I already knew that but it meant a lot that he was able to vocalize it.


Sounds very familiar ! It may sound small but really it's so much more, it's about keeping that connection alive and understanding each other in every facet ...the shy guy is very deep! ....a diamond in the rough even....










Ya know It's hard for me to imagine.. priding myself on deepness....but I MISSED some of the deeper parts of my husband for many yrs...I used to think he doesn't have as much expression as other people being so reserved...on the calm side...can't say it really bothered me too much....

It was only when I got more NEEDY sexually with him...more vulnerable...desperately open ...asking him if He felt I was being a burden, I was laying it on kinda thick....he laughed at me even....Funny looking back...but these crazy talks of mine & couldn't get enough of him...upped his vulnerability WITH ME...along with that came a deeper expression...and I was like...."damn is this what I've been missing all these years".... so Sex brought this about too...for us....it's been a  experience ...a Re-discovery in Mid life. 



> There was nothing wrong with him or his sexual expression.I had to broaden my mind and my definitions of how sexual expression looks and sounds.
> 
> no idea what I'm trying to say here LOL just babbling about the topic I guess.


No babbling, that was beautiful ....


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