# We want to reconcile, but he has a live in girlfriend.



## InOverMyHeart

Let me begin by saying I left him almost 6 months ago. We were having a very rough time, not communicating and generally our marriage sucked. I packed up, left and informed him I wanted a divorce. During the past 6 months, his mother passed away (he didnt call), and we did not speak at all until a few weeks ago. When we spoke we discovered we both had prayed for the other to soften their hearts and we realized we wanted to make our marriage work instead of divorce. Well, when his mother died he reconnected with a hs sweetheart and mother of his first child. She moved in with him and now he is asking me to wait until he can work that situation out and we (he & I) can move forward. I am so lost right now. I want to get on our road to our ever after but cannot get passed her being around. Any words would be great. I am a mess!


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## ConfusedInMichigan

In many ways what you did to him was what me ex did to me (we are now divorced). Advice? Well a lot of people on here are going to tell you that he is "cake eating." That means he is trying out his options. He wants you as a "plan B." They will tell you that you need to be mean to him and that only then will he realize how much he misses you.

I can tell you from experience that it is not that simple. If my ex were to cut off contact from me right now and be mean I would simply cut her out of my life (we are sorta in the process of this now). What my ex needs to do (and maybe what you need to do) is do things to show him that you are really sorry for leaving. I understand it may not have been 100% your fault, but it still f"cking stings pretty bad and it makes you lose all trust in someone. It wasn't my exes fault 100% either, but coming home to a house were sh"t has been moved out, bank accounts closed, and names taken off bills hurts BAD. Faith is lost for the person who gets left. My ex (even after the divorce) still tries to contact me but I have 0 faith in her. 

It may sound like its not fair, but see it from his point of view. I often think you people that pick up and leave think you are the only ones who were hurt. Who has to go back to the empty home EACH and EVERY day? You don' think that plays with his mind??

Not trying to be mean, but trying to give you a different point of view.


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## InOverMyHeart

Thank you so much for your honesty. We talk about these feelings and there is no ambiguity about how he felt when I left. He even tells me, see now you know how I felt. I get that. I get that he needs this and he needs to work this out in his time. I get that he needs to have faith in me again. It is just not easy. I have not told a soul about what's really going on because we agreed to trust in each other. I know the day is coming where we can move forward, it hurts so bad that I have put him in this situation. Tell me more about what you would have wanted your ex to do. I am willing to do anything to salvage and restore my marriage. I love him dearly.


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## ConfusedInMichigan

Thanks for your reply (here and in the other thread). It does sound like you are a lot more forthcoming with your feelings than my ex. Also, I should admit I am probably not the best person to give advice seeing as how my relationship with my ex has had about 5 false-restarts since she left last summer. I would just tell you to be honest with him always. I have caught my ex in several lies since she moved out. It was clear that they were lies either designed to hurt me (her way of getting back at me?), or in some cases she had to lie because we were getting close to getting back together and her mom stepped in. She had to lie to me because she is afraid to tell me that she is still letting her mother essentially call the shots. So I would say don't play games with him and be honest. You don't want to do anything that will make him doubt you later. That, I believe is why I am where I am: I have moved to the point where I really don't trust her at all .

There are plenty of people on here that have both success stories about getting back together and success stories about moving on. Im sorry to say you are at the beginning of a long roller coaster. You may get close for a brief time, then one of you will pull back. Its such a crazy thought to think this could happen to people that loved each other enough at one point to say "I do."

Read, go to counseling. It really does help a lot.


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## InOverMyHeart

I refuse to get my family involved until we are on steady ground. I admit, our friends and family were too involved in our marriage and contributed to the breakdown. We both recognize that.

I feel like pulling back quite often because I think about what's going on in his home. It's really hard to stay hopeful, even when he tells me that his goals are in line with mine. And we share the same desire. I just want him to get rid of her and we can start building. I don't even have to move in right away. I do not pull back though, I write letters EVERY NITE. I mail them every day. I let him know my ups and downs and my fears, my confusions and let him know that I'm positive our marriage will be stronger because of this situation. The thing that eats me daily is: this is totally my fault. I should not have left. 

Should we try counseling together or separate? I thought about this too.


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## ConfusedInMichigan

How often does he reply to your letters? Each time you send them? Ocasionally? I know Ive said you shouldn't ignore him, but a day or two here or there may be helpful for you. My problem is that my ex will go balls to wall contacting me for a week and then I won't hear from her for a week. Shorter breaks may make him miss you.

Going to counseling by yourself is the first step. Is he going to counseling? People on here say that you should do that before going in together. I can't comment on that because we still haven't went. Although as recently as last week my ex asked if I would go to couples counseling again. Her mom called her right after that, so you can probably imagine why we haven't gone. The IC (individual counseling) is what has helped me get to my "take-it-or-leave-it" mentality with my ex. I imagine I would be a quivering baby if I were just sitting here waiting for her and not working on myself.


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## InOverMyHeart

We talk every day. He says he loves my letters and can see that I have opened up to him in a way that I haven't in the entire 8 years we've known each other. We text several times a day and he reassures me that I just have to be patient. He says he loves only me and feels he is in a bad situation since he asked her to move in with him. He really thought we were over. Even after praying we weren't. I know he is incredibly confused, I get that. I know she was there for him and he doesn't want to hurt her by asking her to leave. But what is he supposed to do? What else can I do? I think about the no contact thing and only responding when he calls or texts. But he calls always, I made a funny that now we are having an affair and we are married! It wasn't funny but it's ironic. He asks me to reassure him that I am here to stay. He says if I can survive this, I can survive anything. I feel so helpless at times. And yet, this is my debt. I am the quivering baby!


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## Jellybeans

Do you only want him now because he is with someone else? You said your marriage "basically sucked." So what has changed other than him having a new piece?

You already know that there is nothing to reconcile as long as other parties are involved in your marriage. 6 months of a separation and he is already living with another woman?

That is extremely fast.


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## PBear

How old is his first son? Does he live with them? Do you have kids?

C


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## InOverMyHeart

Yes, the marriage sucked. We weren't talking, having sex, sharing, being loving or anything. I recognize that has a lot to do with me and being closed emotionally. 

I wanted him back before I knew about her. He told me about her after we spoke and said we wanted to reconcile. She only just moved in within the past 3 days. She was already on her way and he could not find it in his heart to tell her to not to because of all she supported him thru with his mom and I wasn't around. He doesn't trust me enough to put me first.


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## InOverMyHeart

His first child is grown, she's in her late 20's. We do not have kids together. Just our 8 years. 

This woman popped up and is playing on his fralities. And he is confused and well hell, I feel incredibly scared most times.


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## PBear

So his ex moved in three days ago, and now you're the "other woman" of this triangle... This isn't going to go well...

C


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## InOverMyHeart

I ask myself, does he really want to reconcile or does he want to protect himself or does he want to make me pay?


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## InOverMyHeart

PBear, I am afraid of that. That's why I'm here. I gotta talk about this and get it out with someone.


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## InOverMyHeart

He keeps telling me to have faith. To trust in him. And he will work it out. He doesn't want her to get hurt, and wants her to feel as though it just didn't work versus he ditched her. I'm so ripped inside.


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## InOverMyHeart

He wants me to remain positive and work thru this. I want to kick and scream. I want to cry all day. I want him to be happy. And I will walk away if that's what he wants. But he tells me it's not what he wants.


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## PBear

I would suspect he doesn't know what or who he wants. I don't know if he'll be able to figure it out with the two of you confusing him and in effect, enabling him to avoid making a decision.

C


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## InOverMyHeart

I can agree with that PBear. So, now what?


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## PBear

I don't know... Part of me thinks you should "woman up" and tell him you won't be part of a cheating relationship, and he can get in touch when he's "single". But since you left him to begin with (why?), that takes away some of your "high moral ground". And with the loss of his mother recently, he likely needs some support from someone...

Perhaps you just need to be honest with him, and tell him how you're feeling now. Truth is often a good starting point, and open and honest communication is good for a relationship.

C


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## Jellybeans

InOverMyHeart said:


> I wanted him back before I knew about her. He told me about her after we spoke and said we wanted to reconcile. She only just moved in within the past 3 days. She was already on her way and he could not find it in his heart to tell her to not to because of all she supported him thru with his mom and I wasn't around. He doesn't trust me enough to put me first.


So he told you about her AFTER he said he wanted to reconcile with you and 3 days later she's living in his house?

Um. I hope you can see through that bullsh*t cause that is what it is.


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## Jellybeans

InOverMyHeart said:


> He wants me to remain positive and work thru this. I want to kick and scream. I want to cry all day. I want him to be happy. And I will walk away if that's what he wants. But he tells me it's not what he wants.


Excuses. 

He wants you to "remain" positive while he is living with another woman? He doesn't want you to walk away but wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Wow.


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## InOverMyHeart

Right... I do not feel in a position to "woman up" I gotta eat some crow you know. I left him cause I felt we were not going to work on things, I felt everytime I talked to him it fell on deaf ears. I needed to look in the mirror at my own self and I refused to do it. It wasn't until I was out on my own, by myself that I forced me to look at me and determine, well shoot, I could have done a better job as well. It took months for us to even talk. I would call and text and there was no response. I sent my first letter pouring my soul out and that's when he finally called. We have been talking every since. 

He just called and I asked him if I were confusing him and if I should remove myself to make his life easier. He said he appreciated my concern and asked me to not go anywhere. To hang in there and things will work out. He keeps telling me that things are going to work out. I'm in this place where he knows all the answers and I know nothing, only what he says. It's forcing me to trust in him. Which was another one of our issues.


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## PBear

Has he given you any sort of time frames for when he'll get his poop together? 

C


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## InOverMyHeart

Jellybeans, no offense but you sound like our friends and family before we split. They are all still in their disfunctional relationships, counting years, celebrating holidays, building memories and we are facing this situation. I have no doubt we love each other. Life happens sometimes and sometimes we have to own up to our stuff. We have to have faith sometimes. We have to believe in others sometimes. We have to put ourselves out there and hope for the best. Life is not like the movies. This mess is real!


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## InOverMyHeart

PBear, I've asked. A month, two? Year? Years? He says it could be days/weeks. I don't think he knows. He doesn't hide me, she knows we are still married and he is not planning to divorce. I put my name all over the letters I send. I plan on sending flowers. This is awful, but I've had thoughts of making it very plain my intentions so that she gets the message, and leaves. That way he doesn't hurt anyone and we can move on.


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## PBear

How is this supposed to get better as it drags out? He may not be doing it deliberately, but he's playing games with you and her. She's only been there for 3 days, and it's going to be easier for her to move out in a few weeks, or more likely, months?

You may feel like you need to eat some crow, but you don't deserve to choke to death on it.

C


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## InOverMyHeart

Yeah, how do I express that to him?


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## InOverMyHeart

How do I do this? How do I have him understand that the "needs" of our marriage trump the feelings of an outsider?


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## InOverMyHeart

When I walked out.


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## ConfusedInMichigan

I hate to go against my own advice, but now that you have posted a bit more (specifically him telling you to wait) I think you might need to practice some tough love on him. Stop trying to contact him for awhile. Sad truth is: if he is already gone, your communications aren't going to bring him back. If he really is back in, a few days of no contact from you might snap him out of it. Hate to use the cliche: "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back..."

From what little experience I've had, the best results I've received from my ex(who admittedly is still gone) is when I have ignored her. You are going to feel like you are losing him to her during this period, but again...he is already gone.

**You would be surprised how much more they think of us when we don't think they are thinking of us; and how little they think of us when we think they are thinking of us**

(again, every situation is different)


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## InOverMyHeart

Confused, thanks so much! I spoke with him during my lunch break as a friend would and jokingly suggested he had his cake and was eating it too. (we have always been good friends, able to talk about anything, we just lost it for awhile due to anger and bs.) He sounded broken when I said those words and told me I didnt understand really what he was going thru, he admitted he made a terrible mistake by having her move in and feels like he effed up. He tells me over and over he loves me and he knows this will work out. I too am leaning toward no contact if just to give myself some space. I will continue to write him it just feels good, but won't mail them out right away. I will keep everyone posted. It's only Monday and the bad feelings creep in after work...


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## ConfusedInMichigan

yeah...a little space will be good for you if nothing else. I think you are right to write the letters, but hold off on sending them.

Try this too: My counselor told me to do this and it helped me enormously to get to a place where I could just say "f*ck it": Make a two column list. On one side write all of the things you miss about your husband. In the other column write all the things you don't miss/couldn't stand while you were together. You will be surprised how long that second column gets!
Im not trying to tell you to move on/give up (hell I still haven't and I've been divorced from crazy for 2 months). However, you can take baby steps to help you prepare for the worst. Standing back and looking at that paper after you're done, you won't feel so weak and needy.


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## InOverMyHeart

Very cool, this can be my therapy for the evening. I need to work out too. I always feel better after walking 2 miles or so. 

Now, how does the NC thing work? Do not call/text/email/write etc? Or, do not initiate? Or, do not respond to calls/texts/emails either?

And thanks for calling me out on the whole "weak & needy" thing  Hahahaha, I can laugh at myself


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## that_girl

He knows what you want.

Tell him to call you when she's out of the house.

No joke. He's playing you both. Until she's out, you are not in. Don't make yourself go through this drama.

Set it free...see what happens.


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## ConfusedInMichigan

that_girl said:


> He knows what you want.
> 
> Tell him to call you when she's out of the house.
> 
> No joke.  He's playing you both. Until she's out, you are not in. Don't make yourself go through this drama.
> 
> Set it free...see what happens.


Perfectly put. I always think to myself: while I may have caused some drama that caused the marriage to end (we both did), I AM NOT causing her any drama right now...so, what must she think of me that she can so easily cause me drama now???

When you go a little NC you will see dramatic changes from him (if he is really serious). Again, my situation is so messed up because every time we take a few steps together in the right direction, her mom gets in her ear...and poof...we take several steps back. Thats all fine because I don't want her back until she breaks free from her mom. And if she doesn't, well, like I said..f"ck it.

Maybe some other people on here can give you better advice on how to do NC. I can't seem to maintain it for more than about a week. It usually goes something like this: First off, you can not under and circumstances contact them. Then, they will eventually contact you. It will usually be something unemotional like asking for the name of an insurance agent, or some b.s. like that. Still, hold off responding for a few hours or days. Then, you will feel start to feel bad and respond. Here is where it gets tricky: My ex will then use the opportunity to start asking more personal questions or will bring up some fun thing we did in the past and ask if I remember. I will ignore, but she will then start "text-bombing" with more personal texts because I have opened the door. I am really trying this time to go NC through and through and not respond to the second type of message. Im really glad you posted your story. Hopefully we can help each other out with NC.


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## ConfusedInMichigan

Also, I know some of what Im saying now goes against what I said earlier (when I was saying you should really let him know you are sorry, etc.)

But after you posted more info and it was clear that he does know you are sorry, and that he is playing games...its changed everything.

Sorry


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## InOverMyHeart

No worries. I am okay with all of the advice. I really needed to get this off my heart today. I spent the weekend in a daze, did not like that. Being able to talk about this helps my day at work believe it or not. 

I don't believe he believes in my desires to reconcile just yet. I did scream divorce in VM & Text for the first 2 months of our separation. I worry that the NC will have him believing I walked away again. So it makes me very nervous. But I will try. 

Ok, so I can respond, just delay my timeframe. Essentially, I have to make him miss me so much so he BOOTS HER OUT! This is where my faith will come in strong. It's already been 3 hours since we talked, I will do a countdown chart when I get home. It helps to see the numbers go down. Geez, the stuff we endure for the name of love!


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## ConfusedInMichigan

I would just caution you to be ready for the worst. As I said, my ex and I went round and round with this for the months leading to the court date and we still got divorced. Although she started texting me literally within 5 minutes of leaving court.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it (maybe that's why Im also logged into match.com right now!)


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## InOverMyHeart

Hahahahah! I liked that one!  Thank you guys, I made it thru the day at work without wanting to run & hide for the first time in weeks!


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## InOverMyHeart

H called. We spoke for about 30 minutes. We talked about the next steps with our families, with our step kids and our friends. He has some valid concerns and I have a lot of work to do! 

Here is the kicker, he tells me he feels he is living a lie with that woman in his house and he is ready to begin having that conversation with her about it not working. Says he needs to explain to her that he is in love with me and that isn't going anywhere. Says he has only one life to live and he has to think about what he's doing in the eyes of God. 

So, keep supporting our marriages, our efforts everyone! Thanks for reading and I appreciate your input. Yesterday was the best day for me emotionally in a long time!


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## vi_bride04

InOverMyHeart said:


> H called. We spoke for about 30 minutes. *We talked about the next steps with our families, with our step kids and our friends. He has some valid concerns and I have a lot of work to do! *
> 
> Here is the kicker, he tells me he feels he is living a lie with that woman in his house and he is ready to begin having that conversation with her about it not working. Says he needs to explain to her that he is in love with me and that isn't going anywhere. Says he has only one life to live and he has to think about what he's doing in the eyes of God.
> 
> So, keep supporting our marriages, our efforts everyone! Thanks for reading and I appreciate your input. Yesterday was the best day for me emotionally in a long time!


WHOA! Wait one second...YOU have alot of work to do???

Do not continue any conversations with him about the future until he ends it with OW. You are setting yourself up for failure if he does not go NC with her.


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## InOverMyHeart

vi bride04, you really need to know the entire story my dear.  I've included bits and pieces here and there on the site. I don't agree with his decision about the gf, but it happened and it's something to work thru. Thanks for the input. (hugs)


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## Affaircare

InOverMyHeart~

Just to be sure I have the facts straight, you and your H had some troubles in your marriage and you packed up and left him. For several months you told him over and over that you wanted a divorce, and we really have no idea if divorce was filed by anyone or not. But what we do know is that your husband got a girlfriend and had her move in with him, and that the divorce is not final. 

Now it's been a couple months, you two have gotten a little perspective, and you both at least say that you want to reconcile. You've spoken to each other and said that you would like to work on yourselves and try to save your marriage. Is that about where it stands? And folks here have suggested "no contact" and in a general way have indicated not to talk to your H until the other woman moves out...but rather than take the recommendations to heart and consider if it's wise or not, you're telling us we "need to know the entire story" and thus don't qualify to reply. 

If I might, may I point out something to you? You and your husband are not divorced yet. You two are/were not living together, but plenty of people are married and live apart--military families do it, truckers do it, some overseas workers do it. People are married and faithful AND APART every day. So the fact that you are not in each others' proximity does not mean it's "okay" or reasonable for your husband to meet someone else and have them move in as a girlfriend. In addition...you say it hasn't been that long that you've been apart, and right off the bat like that he gets another woman in his life? That was fairly quick!! My guess is that she was semi- sort of involved way before you left 

Thus, even if we don't know the whole story....even if we don't know what you did or did not do to "provoke" him to get a girlfriend...even if we don't know all the ins and outs of your step kids and your families and all of that...what we do KNOW is that in order for reconciliation to work it has to start from a place of HONESTY and both parties have to be UTTERLY FAITHFUL. You can not (and yep I'll repeat that CAN *NOT*) build a healthy marriage on a foundation of half truths and infidelity. 

Therefore, for your own self-dignity and in order to begin this new marriage in a healthy way, we are strongly suggesting to you that you straighten up your spine, tell your husband you love him and want him and only him...but that you expect nothing less from any man who will be in your life. And that means that there would be NO OTHER WOMEN in his life. So before you two move forward, you look forward to the day that he can give you 100% of his affection and loyalty. When he can give you 100% (and nothing less), he can contact you and off you go in a happy reconciliation. Have the self-worth to tell him you won't accept crumbs. 

And just a note here, IOMH--he doesn't want to hurt her or make her feel like she's being dumped, but that means that he IS willing to hurt you in order to spare her feelings!! See that is just not a good way to start a reconciliation! If he were serious--and I mean deadly serious--about doing the right thing here, he would end it with her immediately. It only takes a few seconds to say "I realize I have put you in a bad position, but I can not continue like this. I have decided that I want to reconcile with my wife and that means you and I can not live together any longer. So please find someplace as soon as possible and make arrangements to move. I am notifying you now that I no longer intend to be living her with you in X weeks." 

So please take our advice to heart. When someone is SERIOUS about reconciling, they will get down to business and do this ASAP because they WANT IT and they want it BAD!! When someone does not get right to it and sort of drags on because they don't want to hurt the other person, that means they aren't really serious AND that they are willing to hurt the spouse in order to spare the affair partner... which is just not cool. Now if I remember correctly this new girlfriend is actually is former or ex or whatever, with whom he has children, right? So if she can not find a place for "her and the kids" right away, and he's the dad and he feels responsible...coolness let her stay and he makes arrangements for himself as a single guy to move away from her. 

THE POINT is that he made the mess and now he has to clean it up, and when it's all straightened out and he can give you 100% .....THEN you are willing to work with him.


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## InOverMyHeart

Affaircare, thank you so much. I have slowly arrived at a place over the course of the past week. Yesterday, when we spoke I informed him I realize that someone is gonna get hurt in this situation and I need to understand it could be me. I wrote a letter last night letting him know that I wanted him and our marriage, I mailed it this morning. I have no intentions of contacting him again. If he wants me to pay for leaving him, then ok. But I agree, I cannot sit and bear this while smiling in his face. No divorce papers were ever filed. And had he picked up his phone when his mother died, I would have been there for him instead of this other woman. I am turning this situation over in my head and I get angry. And I get stronger. And I realize there is nothing else for me to do until she is gone. This hurts me and he seems to be enjoying that. I will check in later, I am a little raw right now, I just wanted to say thank you.


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## InOverMyHeart

One other thing, thanks for the advice all. I am not in a good place emotionally right now.


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## InOverMyHeart

Today was a rough day. But I did find strength in realizing he isn't ready to reconcile which means I am not obligated to communicate with him. Actions speak louder than words.


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## InOverMyHeart

He bought the ticket for the OW to leave. Her flight is set for Thursday! Yay! He is making progress. Step for him, step for me.


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## InOverMyHeart

She leaves today! 4 hours and counting!


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## Riverside MFT

InOverMyHeart,

I am not sure if you have answered this already, but why the change of heart to work on the marriage? Why not just give up and move on?


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## InOverMyHeart

Riverside, I have in another post. 

We really do love each other and it was a little bit of fate that brought us back together this last time. He was texting me and I was writing letters to him at the same exact time! 

Basically, I came to terms with my actions, my lack of emotion, and took myself back to church. I discovered later my H had been praying for us the entire time. I needed to feel again and God assisted me with getting in touch with my heart. I am still a work in progress, but H sees the changes and is willing to take another step of faith not on me but on God. 

I did not want to give up. And apparently, neither did he. Not really. He was moving on because he thought I was. I was not ready to move on.

Hope that helps.


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## QBall_1981

I'm interested in understanding the paradigm you've talked about... Hmoving on because he believes the wife isn't interested in R, but the wife takes the same opinion thinking that the H isn't interested.

This seems like it could be a problem for couples who have already been through the ringer because of poor communication. I wonder how often they 'miss' and just let things fall apart because no one would take the initiative, or take the chance that their pride would get injured.


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## whitehawk

InOverMyHeart said:


> Let me begin by saying I left him almost 6 months ago. We were having a very rough time, not communicating and generally our marriage sucked. I packed up, left and informed him I wanted a divorce. During the past 6 months, his mother passed away (he didnt call), and we did not speak at all until a few weeks ago. When we spoke we discovered we both had prayed for the other to soften their hearts and we realized we wanted to make our marriage work instead of divorce. Well, when his mother died he reconnected with a hs sweetheart and mother of his first child. She moved in with him and now he is asking me to wait until he can work that situation out and we (he & I) can move forward. I am so lost right now. I want to get on our road to our ever after but cannot get passed her being around. Any words would be great. I am a mess!


You packed up and left him , sorry but it serves you right . You'll just have to wait now and see what "he" feels like doing this time. It doesn't matter what he says , you would have torn him up , that isn't going to just fly away because you've had a change of heart .
Personally I'd be in no hurry though if I was him.


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