# Lost



## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

Here's my first post. About 5 years ago, my husand confessed to having a ONS. He said the guilt was killing him. It was a long painful process but eventually we moved on. He told me that he just was feeling distant from me. I don't really want to rehash that. Anyway, come to this week, I find out that he bought condoms. We don't use condoms! I confronted him and he denied it. He finally called me from work and confessed that he didi in fact buy them and that he hasn't used them, has not been seeing anyone and has no one "in mind". He just said that he has been having that distant feeling from me again. He said he thinks he subconciously left the paper out so that I'd find it and "bust" him to stop him. We've been married for so long. He has a lot of issues from a very abusive childhood he's been working out for the past year or so. He says I don't communicate with him. I"m not sure what he means. He says that when issues come up that we normally argue about - I either tense up, get quiet, or leave the room. I do this to avoid fighting. The subject is usually his family. I am at a total loss because here I thought everything was going great. We weren't fighting about his family, our sex life has never been better. His job is fantastic, kids are healthy and great. So WTF? We had a long phone conversation yesterday, almost an hour, and I told him that I feel that I can't mention his family or how they u$e him for money all the time without it causing a fight so I just step back. Am I wrong? I don't understand what f'ing a stranger would do to help this situation either. Help me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Has he ever been to counseling? sounds like he's relying on you to make him feel good and when you dont, he goes somewhere else. but it sounds like he needs to learn some different coping skills.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ljtseng said:


> Has he ever been to counseling? sounds like he's relying on you to make him feel good and when you dont, he goes somewhere else. but it sounds like he needs to learn some different coping skills.


:iagree:

It sounds like he is emotionally co-dependent on you and blames you when he doesn't feel good inside.

draconis


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## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

He is in therapy, originally it started out as therapy to deal with stress from work, and it has slowly progressed to his abusive childhood. I just don't want to think that I have to babysit him for the rest of my life. Things were so good. They still are, I mean, I do understand that we don't spend a lot of time together lately but isn't that what happens when you have kids who have Sweet 16 parties to go to and football games and soccer games?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Butter said:


> I do understand that we don't spend a lot of time together lately but isn't that what happens when you have kids who have Sweet 16 parties to go to and football games and soccer games?


If all these activities are getting in the way of your marriage, maybe you need prioritize some time for you and your H.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Butter said:


> He is in therapy, originally it started out as therapy to deal with stress from work, and it has slowly progressed to his abusive childhood. I just don't want to think that I have to babysit him for the rest of my life. Things were so good. They still are, I mean, I do understand that we don't spend a lot of time together lately but isn't that what happens when you have kids who have Sweet 16 parties to go to and football games and soccer games?


Instead of focusing on the amout of time try to focus on the quality of it.

draconis


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## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

Ok, update guys. We've been talking a lot. I'm not sure what exactly he means though by "we don't communicate". I'm a stay at home mom, he's a big "mover and shaker" and I certainly don't want to call him and disturb him at work to tell him about the minutia of my day: the Christmas-bargains I just bagged, the crazy repairman who just left, etc. I don't know what the heck he expects me to communicate to him. Unfortunately, he travels for work - a lot - like tonight. I'm suspicious but not insanely so. It's just painful that I'm here at this point after all these years. 

We are going away this weekend w/o the kids. I so want to make him happy. I thought he was happy. I mean, the house is always clean when he comes home, the kids are happy and healthy, the dinner is always fantastic (if I do say so myself!) and ready, and I'm always dressed nicely and made up, I don't know what the heck he wants. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling really sad tonight.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Butter said:


> Ok, update guys. We've been talking a lot. I'm not sure what exactly he means though by "we don't communicate". I'm a stay at home mom, he's a big "mover and shaker" and I certainly don't want to call him and disturb him at work to tell him about the minutia of my day: the Christmas-bargains I just bagged, the crazy repairman who just left, etc. I don't know what the heck he expects me to communicate to him. Unfortunately, he travels for work - a lot - like tonight. I'm suspicious but not insanely so. It's just painful that I'm here at this point after all these years.
> 
> We are going away this weekend w/o the kids. I so want to make him happy. I thought he was happy. I mean, the house is always clean when he comes home, the kids are happy and healthy, the dinner is always fantastic (if I do say so myself!) and ready, and I'm always dressed nicely and made up, I don't know what the heck he wants. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling really sad tonight.


It is great that you are going away without the kids this weekend. It is probably much needed! Take this time to really talk with him and open up. He probably has something on his mind but is not ready to tell you or maybe not quite sure how! Try not to be sad! Look at this as a time for the two of you to rekindle your relationship and discuss things together.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds to me like he misses having a friendship with you, going out on dates, dinner and talking. He feels disconnected from you in that way.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"It sounds to me like he misses having a friendship with you, going out on dates, dinner and talking. He feels disconnected from you in that way." 

Take the above line to heart because that sounds like the main problem. Same issue I have with my wife even though I refuse to dwell on it anymore. He probably feels like he is your husband, partner and lover but not your friend.


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## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

Thank you all. I want you to know that I do check replies every day. tomorrow I am getting my hair done (for Saturday) and coming back and planning the "weekend away wardrobe"! I'm actually nervous. Butterflies! That's good, right? He made reservations at an amazing restaurant in Manhattan and a really nice hotel. My brother and his wife will have my kids - so no worry there. I told him today that I all of a sudden feel like everything I say and do is under the microscope to be disected by him and his therapist. That I do not like. 

We are going to go into the city early, wander around, see all the nice Christmas decorations, have a drink, check in to our hotel and just be together. I'm so nervous.


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## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

Good luck 
XXCyber hugXX


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## Butter (Nov 21, 2008)

Well, the weekend away went fine. We had a nice time. It could be my imagination though but I think we do sometimes struggle for things to talk about. I'm a stay-at-home mom and he's a very busy businessman. I talk about the kids, he talks about work. Anyone else have that? 

Anyway, when we are together (which isn't a whole heck of a lot due to his work - but I'm ok w/that - he loves his work), things are good. I think I'm just so paranoid right now. He's on a BT right now and he called me three times today but I said "I love you" before we hung up and he said "bye", maybe it was really quick, he was distracted or something but that's the kind of crap that consumes me these days. 

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Am I paranoid?


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