# I don't know what to do about my marriage! Husband punched the wall in frustration...



## Gwhiz (Mar 12, 2011)

Hello, 

Sorry, this is a bit long, so I hope you'll bear with me!

I have been married for 4 and a half years, and my husband and I have a 3 year old son. We met when I was 35, so we aren't really young.
Our relationship has been rocky from the beginning, my husband suffers from depression, and I have a.d.d. Neither of us is the most emotionally mature at times, but I can at least say that I've tried very hard to work on it. Honestly, I don't know where to start. 
My husband can be sarcastic and in the past was somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive. For instance: he didn't like the way I acted at parties, or that I liked to go to parties. In hindsight, I can see why that might have been--though I am an etrovert, not a flirt--there is a difference! So instead of communicating that he was uncomfortable, he would lay guilt trips on me or make really insulting insinuations about my charcter. (Yes, I married him anyway, and this changed.)
However, he is a hardworker and is a loyal friend. He loves our son and is a very involved father, can be fun loving and truly warm and nice. 
And me? I'm a high energy fun loving gal who can also be very reactionary and I suppose fault-finding. The fault finding really took off after our son was born. I am an anxious person and I have a.d.d, which can lead to impulsivity and stress.
However... in our relationship he has: pulled away from me while I was pregnant because "I was acting crazy" duh, I was pregnant. (spent most of his time with his best friend, prompting another older friend who noticed the behavior, "who is he married to, you or Eddie.")
When we decided to move to an island closer to the mainland, despite my pleas, he stayed working on the island we left-- which is a 45 minute ferry ride away, so he decided to stay there during the week--so really, I moved and he stayed. He did this for 9 months, despite my begging and pleading to find work either on our new island or the mainland so that he could be home. He liked the work he was doing and was reluctant to leave it--that and while he is a hard worker, he despises looking for it. So, I was left alone during the week with our 2 year old in a new place where I had no friends or family.
(you may ask why we moved: the other island was to isolated for me and I wanted to be closer to civilization. I thought it was a mutual decsision.)
He has also: disapeared on our aniversary while we were out at a pub. He just took a powder and never came back. I found him laying down in our van. It had been his idea to go there!
When I had my clothes in a fashion show here, he was supposed to show up, but fell asleep. 
Allright, no he hasn't cheated on me that I know of, though our sex life sucks so I wouldn't be that surprised!
He says he is too tired for romance, however he is not too tired to grope me, which just turns me off. I must admit that I'm not that interested, partially due to some pain I experienced after my son was born, and partially because of the previous and ongoing hurts: he often treats me with contempt and irritation, and this isn't changing much. It is hard to get hot about someone when they often act like they hate you. I want to want him. He is pretty hot! But I can't get there. I want to change this pattern but I don't know how. We have talked openly about all of this, but nothing seems to change.
Oh yeah, and also we got into what I thought was a very minor argument about what he spent his money on at the grocery store. He had told me before going that he wasn't going to spend much, but he wound up spending more than he said. I felt anxiety about how much money he spent because we didnn't have much. When I expressed my frustration, he started getting angry and talking to himself with alot of swear words. I asked him what he was going on about, and he came into the living room, telling me to go *uck myself, that he thought he did a good job with the groceries, and then he punched a hole in the wall, right across from the other hole in the wall that he put there 6 months ago. I guess he feels criticized by me. 
I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of recources, but aside from that, I don't want to give up. 
I know everyone will say "get counseling" we are barely making it from week to week. We can't afford it. 
Do I really have to do what the men here seem to suggest? The after--work blow job? I'm not opposed to blow--jobs per-se, I get contempt and he gets a blow job? Someone has to end this mexican stand off,I guess, just why is it always the women. I want to make it clear, I am not purposely witholding sex, I am just turned off. I want to be turned on. 
Meanwhile, who is the big loser here? Our precious son.
I love being a family when it is good. I don't want to give up. We both love politics, food, and playing sports. We want the same kind of future: a semi-self sufficient lifestyle in a small eco-freindly home that my husband has allready designed. We want to grow/raise food for our family and live happily ever after.

THANKS for your patience!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Gwhiz said:


> pulled away from me while I was pregnant because "I was acting crazy" duh, I was pregnant. (spent most of his time with his best friend, prompting another older friend who noticed the behavior, "who is he married to, you or Eddie.")


If you were crazy to the point of being mean to your H then I think him distancing himself from you was appropriate. Even if being pregnant made you crazy that doesnt mean your H is immune to your behavior. i think you should apologize and own up to your behavior- unless of course that will create resentment on your part. 

Sometimes even if i know i did something wrong i wont apologize because i can feel resentment beneath my apology. I will usually wait and try to understand my resentment before apologizing. If you apologize with resentment its worse then not apologizing at all. 

It kind of sounds like you two might be codepedent and have poor boundaries. You might want to look into some boundary books. My H and I do Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. do it on your own if your H wont do it with you. 



Gwhiz said:


> (you may ask why we moved: the other island was to isolated for me and I wanted to be closer to civilization. I thought it was a mutual decsision.)


I carried a lot of resentment about things that happened at the beginning of my relationship, too. I moved with my H under the impression that we both wanted to get married. Turns out he didnt. At first i was really angry and thought he was just a big jerk for deceiving me and then leaving me hanging out to dry. But after doing a lot of boundary work I think I was deceived because the relationship was extremely one-sided; my H was constantly trying to please me and i was always taking. i cared very little about him or his boundaries. of course he was equally part of that dysfunction because he wanted to please me but he ended up becoming really resentful. Your H probably needs to learn its OK to say no to you and maybe you have to learn to respect his opinion. You wanted to move to the mainland so it is fitting that you would suffer the consequence of your choice- not him. 



Gwhiz said:


> Do I really have to do what the men here seem to suggest? The after--work blow job? I'm not opposed to blow--jobs per-se, I get contempt and he gets a blow job? Someone has to end this mexican stand off,I guess, just why is it always the women. I want to make it clear, I am not purposely witholding sex, I am just turned off. I want to be turned on.


Ive been in a sex starved marriage and let me tell ya, i never had a temper until deprived of sex. I think it would go a long way if you pleased your H. But at the same time i can see why you wouldnt. I cant give much advice in this area since my own sex life is completely messed up. All i know is how much my temper flares when i am sex-deprived. 



Gwhiz said:


> Meanwhile, who is the big loser here? Our precious son.


I am sure your son will be OK. every family fights.


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