# please help a wife that needs advise



## needlove81 (Jul 13, 2011)

Hi everyone, I'm new here I need some help/advise on my situation. i appologize in advance for the long message. 

my husband and i have been married 9 and have 3 kids.

We have always had a good sex life. My problem is the passed few years he has changed so much. His mood completely depends on whether or not he has sex.. 

He treats me like a prostitute it doesnt matter what he buys me, whether its a coffee or anything. if he takes the kids for a couple hours (once a month) he has to say "you know you gotta take care of me later". everything i say, he has to make a sexual joke or compare to his penis. 

He keeps track the days since we've had sex and if it goes over 3 days he will ignore me, yell and treat the kids like ****. he loses all respect for me... since sex isn't all i think about i finally realize why he's so pissed off and it makes me want to puke. to him i am not worth even talking to unless he is sexually satisfied. and he'll say to me if you know thats what i need you should MAKE SURE i'm happy. 

no matter what is going on if he wants sex and it doesnt happen, he'll wake up in the morning pissed off and wont talk to me. then he'll try to grope me or say a discusting joke and get more pissed if i dont let him or say what he wants. he even gets mad at himself when he falls asleep.

right now he is mad at me because 4 nights ago he shaved down there and came out of the bathroom naked as our 5 year old daughter was walking into the room. he didnt get the reaction he wanted from me. so last night night he was STILL PISSED and said you dont even give a **** i shaved for you. WE HAD GREAT SEX THE NIGHT HE SHAVED! sorry for the detail

i am fed up. i dont know what to do. ive tried having sex more often to keep him happy but he always wants more. he's also been keeping track of when i had an orgasm and thinks im getting it somewhere else if i go to long. 

is this normal??????? 

now i'm 13 weeks pregnant with our 4th baby and i'm so tired of it. 

could this be a sex addiction? bipolar or some other disorder?


PLEASE HELP!

thanks


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

It could be a sexual addiction. You would need a professional to be sure. 

He sounds similar to me though. I'm a person that thrives on physical touch and compliments. I grew up in a family that never hugged or kissed. The damn cats and dogs got touched more than me! It took 18yrs for me to figure it out though. I was always after my wife for sex. It got old for her too just like it's getting to you from your husband. I equated sex to love. No sex meant no love. Period. 

We are finally past that now. I realized I needed touch pretty much daily. My wife finally bought in to the idea of just touching me, grabbing my hand in the car or walking, a casual brush if she goes by to a hug and kiss a couple times of day at a minimum. She was skeptical at first. She thought it was just a ploy to get more sex. It was not. I stopped demanding sex or even asking all the time. But here is the real kicker- we are closer now and have more sex than even when we were dating! She initiates way more now too. 

As far as your husband being rough or treating you like a prostitute, don't stand for it. Set your boundaries respectfully and stick to them. You're not an object for him to just use. 

A book that really helped me is 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Another one is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley. Both have very good relationship ideas and techniques. 

Another thought just hit me, I do recall going through a period or really bad resentment towards my wife and did treat her as a sex object. Your husband may be going through the same thing. We are way past that now but only because. We talk about things that bother us and work it out right away. 

Hope this helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hello needlove ~

I am sorry you are having to go through this with your husband. In all honesty, your husband sounds like something of a control freak (well, and some other words I don't feel comfortable typing out.) 

You have some issues here that may need professional strength to get to the bottom of. Is your husband willing to go to marriage counseling with you? Do you ever express your dissatisfaction to him about how he treats you or how that makes you feel? If my husband treated me with a lack of respect and overly tried to control me, I would have zero respect and zero desire for him.

If your husband isn't willing to do counseling, I would suggest that you consider it just for yourself. Empower yourself so that you can take control back of your life and decide what the best decision would be for you and your kids moving forward. You deserve respect and caring from your husband.

God Bless.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Your husband has some simple insecurities. He is worried about your desire for him and/or that someone else may find you attractive and lure you into an affair. He's trying to prove to himself that you are still attracted to him. It's not rational (perhaps), but it is real to him.

The "three day" no-sex limit means that after he has sex with you he can go three days before his insecurities start popping up again. If you reject his advances on the third or fourth day, he's already thinking that there MUST be a reason for it. It can't be that the sex isn't good because just three days ago he gave you "GREAT SEX" (as you self-described it). So he knows that you LIKE sex, the question is WHY do you not want it again? Hmm...must be because you don't want it with HIM.

The comment "you know you gotta take care of me later" is nothing more than a test. His expected response, "Yes my darling. There's nothing I want more." You probably respond with something that indicates disgust at the comment or non-interest for sex so soon. That just feeds his insecurity.

The real question here is WHY does he feel this insecurity?


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## needlove81 (Jul 13, 2011)

Powerbane: my husband grew up with a very loving mother and a verbally sometimes physically abusive father. he was alway told how his mother never put out which was not true just like in our situation.... He definatly thinks sex means love, but it's the oppisite for me. if i feel loved and appreciated i would be more than willing whenever. 
he will not talk about this situation with me. maybe right after sex he will agree that he should not treat me like he does. but it doesnt stop him the next time. 
I find it hard to get in the mood especially when he's been rude to me. When i am in the mood, i will try to initiate. the other night i got out of the shower and called him in the room. i said get in here so i dont have to waste my time getting dressed and he got offended thinking i was saying he was wasting my time.. it's so frustrating
for a while anytime i would try to initiate he wouldnt be able get it up. he said he feels he has to be in control.

i dont know if he's bipolar or what. everytime i think ive figured him out..he changes. 

I will definatly look into those books.. thank you!

Enchantment: hi! thank you for responding. i would agree that he's a control freak, it's his way or no way. and counseling isn't an option for him. he thinks i will go in there and make him look like ass. thats not what i want,i want help. if i didnt love him i wouldnt have wasted 12 years of my life and he cant get it through his head. 
I dont even know how to get control back. when i say i'm not going to take it anymore he just gets more angry and things get worse. I'm going to find a counseler for myself so i don't go crazy. thanks again!


Bigtoe: thanks for responding! everything you said is right on. thats the way he thinks. i have tried everything to make him see that i love him and am attracted to him. when he's pissed off at me and i ask him what he wants for dinner and he says vagina. the last thing i wanna say is oh yeah baby. you know what i mean. and he will purposely do that when he's been ignoring me so he can get more pissed off. or if i do respond how he wants, its a contract and if for some reason it doesnt happen that night he'll be extra pissed and say "you said oh yeah you want it". if i seem happy he assumes i'm horny so if the day goes by and no sex he's mad because i was horny and didn t have sex with him. 

is it my job as his wife to constantly stoke his ego? I had a worse childhood than him, no mother, achoholic father. i too have insecurtities but i dont expect him to be the one to always make me feel better. i just feel like as a man he should stop acting like such a child. btw i would never disrespect him and say this to him but it's what i feel.

am i asking too much but wanting and needing unconditional love from my husband??


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You deserve respect and love from your spouse. But, your spouse sounds like he is something of an emotional abuser, especially in regards to sex in your relationship. He may not even realize it.

I commend you for being willing to start counselling for yourself. Please continue down that path. That will help you think things through.

Also, there are a lot of good resources out there to help you - all you have to do is let your fingers do the "google" walk. 

Here's a good read for you:

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

N-
I had some issue's and when my W turned the tables it got me to think.

IDK if it will help but back in the day I did the same thing to my wife and I was pretty rough, well through some of my wifes self help therepy (she cheated) I found that lately she has been doing the same thing back.

I get the fact that men and women aren't wired the same but what if you treated him like a boytoy?

grap it, tell him to pull it out, see if he can "perform"

My thinking is .....f8ck with him.... whats good for the goose is good for the gander!


Granted this my back fire, or it may not, but face it ...I'm just her to give my own perspective and the things that changed my unhealthy behaviors.

What I'm talking about is a "180" ...show him the change in your self that will get him to second guess his dicisions, and how he acts. I'm talking about empowering your self by fighting fire with fire. A chance that it may back fire, but a chance you are willing to take anyway.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

"could this be a sex addiction? bipolar or some other disorder?"

No, he's just being an a$$hole. Simple as that.

I used to act a little like this to my wife. I needed attention (like sex) to feel like our relationship was on tract. I was a moron. Guess what happened? I got cheated on. That will set you strait pretty quick when you take a blow like that.

What he needs is to take a step back and examine his stupid actions. He needs to know that what he is doing is pushing you away from him. Like I said....I was stupid. I did not see what I was doing. I thought everone was against me. Guess what?? I was wrong. I was contributing to the problems that we had by acting like this.

You just don't realize until you mess it all up.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> It could be a sexual addiction. You would need a professional to be sure.
> 
> He sounds similar to me though. I'm a person that thrives on physical touch and compliments. I grew up in a family that never hugged or kissed. The damn cats and dogs got touched more than me! It took 18yrs for me to figure it out though. I was always after my wife for sex. It got old for her too just like it's getting to you from your husband. I equated sex to love. No sex meant no love. Period.
> 
> ...



Take heed to this advice. It shows how honest and open communication can really help improve a marriage.

If you're too afraid to do it alone, you can always seek help from a counselor about what to do.

Remember to see your current situation as a 'phase' or a 'stage' in your marriage. It is very much temporary.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

needlove81 said:


> Bigtoe: thanks for responding! everything you said is right on. thats the way he thinks. i have tried everything to make him see that i love him and am attracted to him. when he's pissed off at me and i ask him what he wants for dinner and he says vagina. the last thing i wanna say is oh yeah baby. you know what i mean.


Yes, I do know what you mean and you have every right to feel that way. It's not the most sexy way to be lured into bed. His rather vulgar response to you in reference to what he wants for dinner shouldn't be a "stroke" but a confident rejection on your part. Something like, "If you keep talking to me like that you won't see my vagina for a long time." As much as you may need to stroke his ego to assure him you are his, you shouldn't put up with disrespectful language. He is of course just saying it because he is angry, but those are words that are intended to belittle you and not acceptable. Sex with you is his "candy". Don't be afraid to send him to bed without dessert if he acts like a child.



needlove81 said:


> or if i do respond how he wants, its a contract and if for some reason it doesnt happen that night he'll be extra pissed and say "you said oh yeah you want it".


Yep. There's only one solution to this and that is to be careful what you say and DON'T say you will if there is ANY possible reason why you may not be able to. If you say you will, he is going to take you AT YOUR WORD. If something as innocent as the washing machine breaks and you have to go down to the river and smack the clothes against the rocks ALL NIGHT to get them clean, he will still want sex because you SAID you would. Your "breaking your word" is WORSE than if you had just said no. I think here you should just tell him outright not to ask you for any promises but he gets upset if something comes up unexpectedly, or if you simply just change your mind. As silly as it sounds, just understand that in his mind the fact that you said you would, but then don't, is a rejection of him. His response is anger because you are his wife and SHOULD make time for him (not saying you should, just saying what I'm sure he is thinking).



needlove81 said:


> if i seem happy he assumes i'm horny so if the day goes by and no sex he's mad because i was horny and didn t have sex with him.


Hehehe...funny how we men rationalize things sometimes 'eh? Understand that your happiness translates to "opportunity" for him. Happy girls are always horny aren't they? Men are, so girls MUST be. If you can get him sometime to sit down and talk seriously about this stuff, I would ask him to view some "women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" type relationship videos. Sometimes we honestly don't understand how stupid we are being and those videos do clear up some of the misconceptions. 



needlove81 said:


> is it my job as his wife to constantly stoke his ego? I had a worse childhood than him, no mother, achoholic father. i too have insecurtities but i dont expect him to be the one to always make me feel better. i just feel like as a man he should stop acting like such a child. btw i would never disrespect him and say this to him but it's what i feel.


Is it your JOB to stroke his ego? No, or course not. But you ARE his wife and I assume you love him other than the behavior you have talked about here. My guess is that his mother is very much a nurturer to him and guess what, you're next in line. I do think you can work through this, but it's going to take time and it's going to take you making calculated responses.

He is in many ways, I THINK you would agree, acting as a child when he doesn't get his candy. When his "child" comes out you need to respond as a "parent". You need to train him how to request sex in a way that makes you interested, and also how to behave if you don't want it. That's a tough tight-rope here because you also have to show him that this "tough love" you are displaying is not because you don't love him, or don't want him, but because he is not being respectful of you. Respect me and I'll take you to the moon...disrespect me and your hand can satisfy you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

This sounds like a classic case of a husband thinking, "If she loved me, she would have sex with me" and a wife thinking, "If he loved me, he wouldn't ask for sex." It just leads to resentment all around because somebody is always losing.

I think you're both right, and wrong. Men typically need sex much more frequently than women.

You should probably get to a sex therapist. Your husband should obviously work on his approach technique and expectations. But you sound like you need some work too. If you honestly can't keep track of when you've had sex, keep a calendar. And just because men want sex with their wives doesn't mean they view them as prostitutes.

You both need some communication work so that you're not each constantly trying to infer what the other meant by some non-sexual statement or behavior.

Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'd basically let him know that he'd probably have more sex if he paid more attention your needs. IOW instead of flat out groping you and making lewd comments as foreplay (which when the mood is right is fine but certainly not all of the time) that he should instead ask what gets you in the mood instead.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Sorry honey, I have the exact opposite problem. I want it all the time and my husband doesn't. But I also have one 10 year old and that's it. He sounds alot like my brother in law though. My sister is always complaining that he's mad because it's been 3 days or more and I'm always complaining because it's been 7 days or more! LOL! Good luck with your situation!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Women need to feel close to have sex. I wish these men knew that.

Honking a boob, making rude sex jokes, treating a woman like a ***** is NOT going to get a woman to want to be intimate.

My first daughter's father was this way (among other choice ways lol) and I left him for a man who was oh so amazing to my entire spirit, not just my vagina.

I'm not saying leave...I left-- I was not married, I didn't love him. I should have been more of a woman and left before I got involved with someone else, but that was 11 years ago and I don't regret it.

Talk to your husband maybe? Write it out? tell him how you need to feel loved and valued....although if he's a control freak, he won't listen and may even make fun of the effort.  Good luck.


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