# ?mixed messages



## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Why would my husband say... Maybe I was not meant for marriage. If we do not stay together, I would not get remarried ...


It was similar to what I heard a coworker say today, 'If I was not married I would be single and I liked being single.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Were you fighting? Or did he just say that out of the blue?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

My husband said the same thing to me during one of our fights - when he was having an on-line affair - right before it got physical. My experience - hope it is not yours...sorry


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

It was at during a discussion- I've tried to tone down the 'fights' from my end by not becoming upset, instead really listening to him. 

Gut says it is his way of having a clean exit - that if we did not break up can't blame it on another woman... He would save face in front of children and community.

He did have an EA with a coworker, I found texts a year ago, but he continues to deny it. Says he does not speak with her anymore. When I caught him he says he is trying not to talk to her.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

wondering12 said:


> Why would my husband say... Maybe I was not meant for marriage. If we do not stay together, I would not get remarried ...
> 
> 
> It was similar to what I heard a coworker say today, 'If I was not married I would be single and I liked being single.


Maybe he feels he married the wrong person or maybe he simply isn't happy.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

He is quite possibly having an affair. In the least, he is contemplating being married


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. I heard those words. We're divorcing.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

wondering12 said:


> It was at during a discussion-


Well, okay - he said it when you two were talking to each other. That isn't information.

There was probably a topic in that discussion, and it was not likely gardening or stamp collecting. 

Trust your gut.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Yep, I'm gonna agree with stritle. I've thought the same thing before, although I've never said it right out loud. And pretty much for the same reasons. The fact that your H is comming out and saying it makes me think he's ready to make a move toward sep or is trying to get you to.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Those are strong words to say. I don't think it's something you say in a heated argument that's off the cuff. It sounds like he's really thought about it. How long have you been married? Do you have children?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wondering12 said:


> Why would my husband say... *Maybe I was not meant for marriage. If we do not stay together, I would not get remarried *...
> 
> It was similar to what I heard a coworker say today, 'If I was not married I would be single and I liked being single.


For whatever reasons Happiness is not being found with these men....

*1*. Marriage has proved a headache, not what it was cracked up *to be *.... I'm sure he's contributed his fare share of you loosing "the spark" with each other as well....as it generally goes...also why the wife is not so happy herself....

*2*. He regrets the Freedom to do as he pleases / the VARIETY he had in his past (if that was his lifestyle)...... 

*3*. He feels the other side of the fence is *greener* in comparison ...(what issues are your contention?) 

*4*. He is already involved with another...


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Agree. Think he wants variety , freedom and is attracted to a lot of other women. Many (married) women chase him.

Married 20 years. Children - teens now.

We were discussing the EA at the time. 

I asked him later what he meant - not a firm answer. He said I was the only one he wanted to marry and that he could be married to. 

We've had some counseling. He is trying more... holds my hands in bed etc. Other times he heavily flirts and has recently made that comment.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It depends on the nature of the discussion. I have said similar things to my wife in a discussion but that discussion was about the death of one of us. I told her I would never remarry she said why I would want you to be happy. My point was that If something happened to her i don't think I could. It would be totally unfair to the other woman as she would always walk in my wife's shadow. She would always be judged by the standard set by my wife. She would never be able to attain that unless she was a clone.

So what was the discussion about? more info needed.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

We were talking about his prior emotional affair. How I have difficulty trusting since he said he does not talk to her but a few months later I overheard him flirting with her at work. 

Although he can be pushy with me, he does not like confrontation. He also does not want to attend counseling. Says my jealousy needs to be resolved with a counselor. I said I'll be open to that but he won't be open to speaking to a counselor about his inappropriate behavior


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It strikes me that you seem to be pretty judgmental of him, which could be the reason for his mixed messages. When you see mixed messages, I would encourage you to believe the thing you'd rather not believe instead of the rosier one.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Sometimes we just say stuff without thinking too much. 

Sometimes (in the moment) you feel it's all too hard, not right or you just don't want to talk about it.....(you did say he doesn't like confrontation).....maybe he was just trying to avoid the topic...AGAIN. You did say his EA was some time ago.

The next moment it's not so bad.:smthumbup:

Don't read too much into this. Most guys are pretty simple and straightforward. (BTW this is not a comment about intelligence.)

Don't overthink it.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

I think part of the problem is that my emotional needs are not being met. Maybe I take commitment too seriously. 

I am hurt when my husband flirts with other women. Our counselor has told him his texts to female co-workers and the way he acts are inappropriate. However, he says he has trouble playing the middle, neutral friendly ground. He's either flirtatious or cold. Does not understand boundaries... 

Back up 6 years ago, a coworker had a crush on me. I laughed at his flirtatious comments and that infuriated my husband. The difference, I never sought him out, never called or texted. He also no longer works at the company.

Yet my husband says he is only being friendly with his coworkers. He also now says he does not care if I were to have close male friends at work. When I told him the comment of my coworker ' If I was not married I'd be single, I Iiked being single' my H laughed.

A more recent example of how I felt hurt was at a our child's school BB game. He kept staring at another mother during the game - at least 20x, When I asked later he admitted he found her attractive.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

"sigh"

Sometimes I just don't want to have to explain myself all the time. That also applies when I'm just being friendly and I always have no hidden agendas. 

Yes, sometimes I don't like parts of marriage but I am totally committed to give it my best. Maybe the guy's just thinking out loud when he's having to explain things that he finds unimportant.

That's how I think sometimes. Then again maybe I'm just a little :crazy:


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

OK. But why do you think the double standards? 

I'm careful not to 'encourage' or laugh if someone starts flirting with me since he told me what bothered him. Now it seems he is the one initiating this behavior in other woman.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

:redcard:The flirtation by your coworker was 6 years ago. 

People change....thankfully. 

Maybe he's no longer so insecure. 

Maybe he knows his intentions are honourable :angel3: but he also knows some other men are not so honourable. 

(Yes, we Australians use "u" a lot...like colour, honour, behaviour.....cute aren't we?.....and there's going to be 23 million of us sometime tonight :yay: )

Why don't you speak *with *him like one intelligent adult to another? (Wait a minute....I can't even do that with my W! :rofl 

The point is to take the attitude of speaking *with *him, not *to *him or *at *him.

ps...if you haven't noticed....I just love using emoticons even if they are annoying


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Thanks. I will try.

BTW, He may no longer feel insecure because I changed my behavior to make him comfortable.

Re: 'Maybe he knows his intentions are honourable but he also knows some other men are not so honourable. --

His EA was not honorable. He still talks to this woman at work although he says less frequently. She is a seductress. An example of her text, "You are such a wonderful person..." 

Emoticons not annoying.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I wouldn't trust your H as far as I could throw him


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

wondering12 said:


> Thanks. I will try.
> 
> BTW, *He may no longer feel insecure because I changed my behavior to make him comfortable.*
> 
> ...


And wouldn't it be nice if he did the same for YOU??


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> And wouldn't it be nice if he did the same for YOU??


Yes.

I have been pulling back recently, not a complete 180. Realize there have been other women he is interested in. 

One in particular is a divorced, successful business woman. She had recently seen my H as a patient then sent him a text saying she was a pleased patient and how nice their conversation was. H said don't know why she texted , we were only talking business.

Few months later, she called to ask a favor of me to pick up her son at HS. After waiting half an hour told her I needed to take my H to pick up his car at the shop. She said, " I'll pick up your H and the two of us will wait for my son. " Despite her continued persistence I told her not a chance. H made no comment when told him the interaction.

Few weeks later, she was blatantly staring at us during a HS game. Again H had no comment. Then I realized... few months earlier at a school dinner, H was trying to hide from me his frequent stares at her table multiple times. Putting it together, seems at the minimum, he has been encouraging this behavior. 

There have been other similar issues including EAs he has had and denies everything. He could care less that I am upset. I try to hide my tears still he knows how hurt I am and never comforts me. The hard part is, I am having difficulty moving forward. I want to move on. Reminded myself so many times that I should be happy for the two of them together that I've even had nightmares of a woman coming into my room trying to kill me -- must be her.

I distance myself from H but at the same time am polite yet he comes back buying me flowers etc. Yet, It is not right be in a relationship without trust. I can't live this way.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would cut him loose.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How did she get his cell number to even text him? 

He's no good. No other way to put it. He keeps doing things to disrespect you but if you take it, he'll continue. He's not going to leave you. He's going to have his cake and eat it too instead.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> How did she get his cell number to even text him?
> 
> _*They exchanged numbers in case someone needed help picking up the kids ; we live nearby.*_
> 
> He's no good. No other way to put it. He keeps doing things to disrespect you but if you take it, he'll continue. He's not going to leave you. He's going to have his cake and eat it too instead.


Yes. 

It is hard because he is otherwise a good husband and father. Helps with chores, finances etc but he just like porn, flirting and does not care about my feelings. Other problem is we have two teen boys and knowing his personality he would do whatever it takes to keep them away from me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *They exchanged numbers in case someone needed help picking up the kids ; we live nearby*.


Is that what he told you the reason was? This could have been arranged with you and her exclusively. Her being a patient of his IMO makes this wholly inappropriate.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I've said that to my wife many times. 

In my case, what it meant was that if I couldn't be happy in a marriage with a woman that I loved, then I guess there was little hope for me in any marriage. I still hold the same belief until I'm proven wrong. 

It's hard for me to imagine myself ever getting married again. I'm still married to my wife (separated) but had I known what I know now, I would've avoided marriage as long as possible.

I know many married people who feel this way. For many men, it's a fairly high-risk, low-reward venture. In a feminist society where men are considered lowly idiots with no emotions, it's easy to see how some men would regret throwing their individuality away for so little return.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wondering12 said:


> Yes.
> 
> It is hard because he is otherwise a good husband and father. Helps with chores, finances etc *but he just like porn, flirting and does not care about my feelings.* Other problem is we have two teen boys and knowing his personality he would do whatever it takes to keep them away from me.


THIS is not "JUST"! These are BIG issues! Your boys are teenagers, they are old enough to make their own observations and decisions, dont use them as your excuse to stay and be treated like this. How do you think it would make them feel if they knew what their dad does to their mom??


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Is that what he told you the reason was? This could have been arranged with you and her exclusively. Her being a patient of his IMO makes this wholly inappropriate.


Agree. He also gave her my cell no.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

synthetic said:


> I've said that to my wife many times.
> 
> In my case, what it meant was that if I couldn't be happy in a marriage with a woman that I loved, then I guess there was little hope for me in any marriage. I still hold the same belief until I'm proven wrong.
> 
> ...


I feel I bent over backwards for him. Example I wanted to wait for children but caved into his persistence of when and number children. Many other things I went along with and thought in return he would respect some of my choices but never did.


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