# Time spent together: quality vs. quantity?



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

The people who have read my previous posts know that there are many things still under construction in my marriage, communication and personal boundaries being the biggest of them. But here's today's predicament:

How much time do you wish to spend with your spouse (say, weekly or daily)?
How much time do you actually get to spend with them? 
Do you value time spent physically together but doing other things (let's call this "idle" time) less or more than so called "quality time" (being truly present for each other, doing things together and communicating)? Or do you value both the same? 

My husband seems to value them both the same. He has a high need for time together, but most of the time we end up being together is "idle" time. I want some of that, too, it's what makes a relationship comfortable that we can hang out and sometimes just do our own things and feel comfortable with the other person's presence. To me there just seems to be tooo much of that, and way too little time spent actually being present for each other. 

Many things come to play here, I think. We have several different interests, that are important to us. His are more intellectual, inside activities, whereas mine are physical outside activities. In order to pursue mine, I have to leave the house. He can pursue while sitting on the same couch with me. He doesn't have many good friends here, he can only communicate with his best friends through the internet. I don't have that many either, but some of my closest friends do live here. Hence: I want to meet them to go out and talk, he meets his every other day while working on computer (of course talking on there is not the same thing, and I would love for him to have better friends where we actually live). I cannot concentrate to work at home, so I have an office space to go work in — he prefers working from home (we are both self-employed atm). And he has lately been working *a lot*, so I find myself sitting there trying to entertain myself while he is working on the computer. He appreciates my presence in these moments — whereas after a couple of hours I start to look out the window and come up with "better things to do".

Result?

I think he wants to spend "too much" time with me (at least too much of this "idle" time, when we're not even interacting, really). And he thinks that I want to spend "too much" time out of the house pursuing activities he is not a part of (i don't exclude him, I have tried to invite him, they just aren't his interest). We have _tried_ to find solutions to this. Compromise after compromise we try to negotiate a way to fulfill both our needs but still the issue keeps popping up every once in a while to cause upheaval. I _want_ to be there for him, I can't help it that my need for spending time apart and pursuing physical activities just is much higher than his.

Can we just be plain incompatible? Are there other couples with very different views on time spent together, how have you made it work?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time a week do the two of you spend in:

Separate activities not around each other?

Idle time when you two are in the same room together but doing different things?

Active time when you are engaged with each other talking and doing things together?


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

EleGirl, good come back. Let me think.. What I could come up with was:



> Separate activities not around each other?


7-10 hours of pursuing outside interests + 9-20 hours of me working outside the home = 16-30 hours a week roughly.



> Idle time when you two are in the same room together but doing different things?


35-60 hours a week maybe. This may involve some chit chat every now and then, but not any joint activity.



> Active time when you are engaged with each other talking and doing things together?


9-20 hours a week. Lately on the lesser side. I don't count the time when we are seemingly doing things together (eating or riding the train for example, but my husband's nose is in his computer or blackberry checking up something).


Although this cannot be exactly correct, because they only add up to the waking hours of one week if taken the maximum amount from each category. So there is some time that I haven't accounted for here. Maybe should really mark down for a few days how we end up spending our time? There must be many small things that I don't notice. 

Also the time spent engaging in joint activities doesn't seem so little there after all. Maybe then I more have a problem with the excessive amount of time when I feel I should just be there for him to keep company while he's doing other things.. And maybe I'm dissatisfied with the feeling that our quality time seems sometimes like a chore for my husband — that he "has" to go out with me so that I won't complain and then he can sink into his work again. This leaves me feelings like I have to beg him to really spend time with me — and still at the same time he doesn't want to let me get out of his sight enough for me to do what I enjoy. What a mess! 

I would like to add that I care about and love my husband very much. When we do spend time actually _doing_ things together and are enjoying a level of physical intimacy that satisfies me, I feel very much in love with him. Especially when additionally I have taken time to pursue things that are important to me outside the relationship. But when we don't have that, but instead spend almost every waking moment together, but not really _being_ together, I start to lose my interest in him. I am a very independent person and I want to pursue my own interests, even when in a relationship. And even more importantly, I would like to be in a relationship with someone who is interested in me and my company, not just have me on reserve at all times.

Maybe I am spoiled like my husband says. Maybe I do want to do too much and want too much independence. Maybe I really don't take his feelings into account enough. I know I am not the stealthiest communicator and have a lot to work on on that front. Part of this issues can probably explained also with the fact that we are still quite bad at discussing our feelings in a mutually accepting and respecting way. There certainly is much we can improve there.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Dean, I very much agree!
We don't have kids so they are out of the equation, but otherwise I'm with you there. I am always really excited when my husband does meet some buddies here and has a nice time — I'm excited for HIM! He just doesn't get or even want a lot of that, and in some way for my tastes he wants too little of it. I feel guilty pursuing my own interests, because 9 times out of 10 it leaves him sitting at home feeling lonely and a bit jealous. But I already know from experience that always staying home with him at the expense of my own interests leaves me very unhappy.

It has been so difficult for him to find friends and interests here where we live, that he just seems to have settled for a life with very little of either. He's just not that interested in anything besides his work and a couple things here and there. But I love life! And living is an active, physically and mentally moving process for me. My limit of the minimum amount of outside activity time (and more than half of this he could join if he wanted, he just isn't interested) just seems to always be above his maximum amount of time spent apart. 

Tough cookie.
In the end, I am really the only one whose happiness I can be responsible of. Just breaks my heart that it causes him to feel hurt.


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