# Well, here is where I am at--(ILYBINILWY Oct 2013)



## Mo24

Sorry if this ends up being a long story. Havent been here in quite awhile.

Was married about 7.5 years; daughter 5 son 2 at time of break up-- last halloween got the ILYBINILWY speech. 

We had moved back home about a year earlier, wife was going back to school and SAHM, big changes from both working full time and family at a long distance. Red flags for cheating-- she got tatoos, waxed, more GNO. Looking back, big changes in her behavior. Im certain she was looking for something-- a mid life crisis based on the research ive done-- that she was bored. I could not find any proof of cheating in texts, FB, phone, etc. 

Once I knew she was in this fog and it wasnt going to change, I went forward, pushed the D as quickly as I could. 

She did not have a lawyer so as a dad, I did my best to get it through while she was agreeable to favorable terms for me. Even got her to get a job. 

I met an old college friend about 6 weeks later, divorce still in process, and we started dating. When d was final, she met my kids and they loved her and vice versa. She is single mom of 11 year old. 

About a month after D became final, I found out I had cancerous tumor. This was April 2014. I started chemo and radiation, moved in w/ gf so she could help take care of me and kids on days i had them. The treatment was awful and really took a lot out of me physically and emotionally. 

At various points, my gf said I wasnt nice to her anymore, friendly, acted like I didnt like her. I know these things are true. Most of the time I felt so horrible I wanted to be alone and still and asleep. 

In the meantime, when my ex found out I had cancer, she lost it. Wanted to help in any way possible. I was not available via text or phone so she went through gf constantly asking how I was, cried every time we talked. She was genuinely worried. They had some sort of falling out as my gf did not like the constant inquiries and had told me my ex gave up the right to be part of helping me. 

June, ended radiation finally, and about 3-4 weeks after started to get a little energy back. Was feeling really trapped living at gf's house. It never felt like home. I moved back home to her dismay-- red flag. Started feeling a lot of pressure as though gf was much further ahead of me in the relationship and coming off the treatment, emotionally I was a wreck and very empty. 

My counselor said at that point my body was in survival mode and didnt have the resources to engage in interesting things like love. TV shows i used to love to watch at night were completely uninteresting to me. I didnt want to do anything frankly. I could only show love to my own children. 

Finally, about two weeks ago, I broke it off with the gf. Looking back, I realize there was a ton of pressure from here. She is an amazing, generous and kind woman but I think, having not been with anyone in years and never married, i was her knight and in her head we were supposed to be together forever. 

I am not ready to let another person into my life right now to control what I do or how I live, that is how I felt finally. 

Another issue-- wife is about to start school again and had some weeks off. When I moved back home and wasnt working (I just started working part time 2 weeks ago), she started finding reasons to stop over. She brought me smoothies and shakes (the cancer I have has significantly affected my ability to eat-- lost 20% of body weight). At one point, before I broke it off w/ gf, she was over and started getting emotional. I said, what are you so upset about? she said, I dont know. lets just say, if youre ever single again, you could ask me out on a date. 

She left soon after and immediately apologized and said she was being inappropriate. 

We do have random things we do together with the kids now, like my sons bday party this weekend. I have to say that I do enjoy the FAMILY part of it. Kids are fine with us living apart but I definitely think they like to see mommy and daddy at the same time now and again. 

I dont know what exactly my ex wants. Right now I am still trying to heal. I sleep alot when I dont have my kids and dont do much else but try to gain my weight back. She has not pushed anything except that now I feel like she feels a little too comfortable with confiding in me like she did when we were married. A lot of complaining about stuff she cannot control basically. Stuff that has nothing to do with me. 

This is mostly a vent but if anyone has been here before or has any insight id love to hear it. 

Thanks, Mo.


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## SamuraiJack

Hmmmm...I imagine your old GF is feeling very used right about now.

I hope your breaking up with her isnt a result of unresolved relationship issues with your other...

This has the potential to get very messy, very fast.


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## the guy

Haven't been were you are but I do feel as though your exwife has some guilt for the cheating.

From the sound of it she most likely was hanging out with a young crowd and a young boy friend....I'm guessing it didn't work out and even your exwife has matured some in the past year.

I'm thinking once school starts up she will be back to her old tricks.

Use the family time wisely other then that work on your self before working on fixing a marriage or any relationship that my not be meant to be!

IDK but your exwife may still need some time to grow up and figure out what she wants.


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## KittyKat

I'm not sure what it is you are asking. If you want us to guess at what your ex wife wants, I'd say she got a pretty good scare with you having cancer.
A divorce doesn't stop one from caring or loving the other person. 

And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what either would want from you. You have an ex wife that you are now complaining about her wanting to vent to you. If it bothers you that much, tell her to stop.
And you treated your ex gf like crap. You move in with her so she can take care of you when you're sick and then say you aren't ready to let anyone in to 'control your life' and break up with her.

Dude, you are selfish and both women should be thankful you left them.


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## KittyKat

the guy said:


> Haven't been were you are but I do feel as though your wife has some guilt for the cheating.
> 
> From the sound of it she most likely was hanging out with a young crowd and a young boy friend....I'm guessing it didn't work out and even your wife has matured some in the past year.
> 
> I'm thinking once school starts up she will be back to her old tricks.
> 
> Use the family time wisely other then that work on your self before working on fixing a marriage that my not be meant to be!
> 
> IDK but your wife may still need some time to grow up and figure out what she wants.


He only thinks she was cheating. He never found actual proof she was cheating.


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## Mo24

the guy said:


> Haven't been were you are but I do feel as though your wife has some guilt for the cheating.
> 
> From the sound of it she most likely was hanging out with a young crowd and a young boy friend....I'm guessing it didn't work out and even your wife has matured some in the past year.
> 
> I'm thinking once school starts up she will be back to her old tricks.
> 
> Use the family time wisely other then that work on your self before working on fixing a marriage that my not be meant to be!
> 
> IDK but your wife may still need some time to grow up and figure out what she wants.



I dont know what exactly she wants but I agree I need to focus on myself. Drs say it may be a year before I have my strength and energy back and my health along with my children are my priority. Wish I could do more but I have a ways to go. 

Im just trying to find a way to make sure I dont get hurt again when ex finds someone else even though it would likely be short term. 

And yes, having a gf so soon was a big mistake and when I realized it I ended it, however I will say this- I am not the same right now as I was in April before treatment started. I did not have doubts about the relationship at all.


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## the guy

KittyKat said:


> He only thinks she was cheating. He never found actual proof she was cheating.


How many red flags does a guy need!

Besides she is still seeing someone...or why else would it be inappropriate for her to say what she said when OP has already broken up with his GF?

Anyway, my perspective is that OP has some work to do with in him self before he can bring someone else in to his life. Hell he went through some serious crap....and the cancer didn't help either!


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## Mo24

KittyKat said:


> I'm not sure what it is you are asking. If you want us to guess at what your ex wife wants, I'd say she got a pretty good scare with you having cancer.
> A divorce doesn't stop one from caring or loving the other person.
> 
> And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what either would want from you. You have an ex wife that you are now complaining about her wanting to vent to you. If it bothers you that much, tell her to stop.
> And you treated your ex gf like crap. You move in with her so she can take care of you when you're sick and then say you aren't ready to let anyone in to 'control your life' and break up with her.
> 
> Dude, you are selfish and both women should be thankful you left them.


Well, I was far from selfish in my marriage. I foolishly was ok with carrying 90% of it for 7 years, and she left me. Im more confused by her venting to me now than complaining. Why leave me only to want me to be the one you call/talk to? 

Then, the irony, my gf DOES selflessy take care of me. I tell her I am not a good bf right now, she doesnt care and wants me anyway. 

The control thing, sorry but I could not deal with it. Just coming out of a marriage completely controlled by my ex and then the misery of cancer...First time I was really uncomfortable was when she came into my house and started throwing stuff away b/c i have too much stuff (she is a bit of a minimalist). My daughter's toys. Yes, the kids are spoiled by their family but let me decide what she still plays with please. 

Having said that, yes i think in the long run it will work out better for both of us that I ended it.


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## tulsy

Mo24 said:


> .....
> 
> The control thing, sorry but I could not deal with it. Just coming out of a marriage completely controlled by my ex and then the misery of cancer...First time I was really uncomfortable was when she came into my house and started throwing stuff away b/c i have too much stuff (she is a bit of a minimalist). My daughter's toys. Yes, the kids are spoiled by their family but let me decide what she still plays with please. ....


Did you talk to her about this, in detail?


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## SamuraiJack

Is it that the GF was too good for you or the idea that you like to be in control?

Seems to me like you exhausted yourself on Chemo ( understandable) and there was a lull in the romance. 
Im wondering if you werent premature about this move?


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## the guy

Mo24 said:


> . Why leave me only to want me to be the one you call/talk to?
> 
> .


All her other boy friends just want her for sex, you on the other hand were different.
You my friend were a lot better then the guy she left you for or even the guy she has now.

Sure I am assuming a lot here with little or no info from you, but I have been her long enough to know that back then if you did do the digging you would have found she was cheating.

I'm guessing she has some regret for what she did to you back then.

I might go as far as to say that your ex is still looking for some control over you....again!


I think she is toxic, so again family time with her and the kids is just that...for the kids.....you don't need her drama...

I suggest if it is not related to the kids you don't need to give her your ear....she made her choices!

I wonder if your ex will ever come clean?


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## the guy

Mo24 said:


> . Why leave me only to want me to be the one you call/talk to?
> 
> .


All her other boy friends just want her for sex, you on the other hand were different.
You my friend were a lot better then the guy she left you for or even the guy she has now.

Sure I am assuming a lot here with little or no info from you, but I have been her long enough to know that back then if you did do the digging you would have found she was cheating.

I'm guessing she has some regret for what she did to you back then.

I might go as far as to say that your ex is still looking for some control over you....again!


I think she is toxic, so again family time with her and the kids is just that...for the kids.....you don't need her drama...

I suggest if it is not related to the kids you don't need to give her your ear....she made her choices!

I wonder if your ex will ever come clean?


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## poppyseed

Mo24, so may I ask how long has it taken you to get to know your GF and moved in with her? It does sound as if things progressed too quickly?

In short, it was a rebound relationship. However, I feel that you would need to be deeply grateful of this generous woman, who took you in during your cancer treatment... She must have a heart of GOLD..! But she was also a little unwise to get involved with someone who was in the middle of D. Unfortunate but ...never mind, she will find someone else.


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## Mo24

poppyseed said:


> Mo24, so may I ask how long has it taken you to get to know your GF and moved in with her? It does sound as if things progressed too quickly?
> 
> In short, it was a rebound relationship. However, I feel that you would need to be deeply grateful of this generous woman, who took you in during your cancer treatment... She must have a heart of GOLD..! But she was also a little unwise to get involved with someone who was in the middle of D. Unfortunate but ...never mind, she will find someone else.


Ive known her for about 20 or so years but we reconnected after my D started (we never dated previously). In any case, my treatments were 90+ mins away, every day and the hospital has a free place for cancer patients to stay. She did NOT like the idea of me only coming home on weekends and insisted that I move in with her so she could take care of me. Seemed like a nice gesture at the time but terrible idea. 

Also, it is not about ME being in control, it is about me being a 'nice guy' in my marriage and having flashbacks of being controlled/manipulated by little things she did, even when she was being ultra nice and generous. After I was living with her, she did not want me to leave EVER-- she told me this-- and other little things made me feel smothered. 

My wife is no longer on the pedestal though I am enjoying seeing her more-- but I need to navigate that now. I feel like I could take it or leave it right now. If I wasnt recovering from cancer, I would sure have enjoyed being single this summer-- doing things I want to do for once, on my own, without having to explain anything to anyone. 

She said to ask her out when I am single again, but she hasnt said why- what has changed from the time she didnt want to be married to her now appearing to want to try to get back together. 

Thanks for the responses.


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## the guy

I think she is done with getting used by other men, she sees you as a *safe bet*...until someone else comes along.


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## Mo24

the guy said:


> I think she is done with getting used by other men, she sees you as a *safe bet*...until someone else comes along.


You seem pretty jaded I have to say. I appreciate the input. We have 2 kids. You think she would initiate divorce, get back together a year later, then split again at some point in the future? That's pretty messed up for kids to deal with.


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## SamuraiJack

Mo24 said:


> You seem pretty jaded I have to say. I appreciate the input. We have 2 kids. You think she would initiate divorce, get back together a year later, then split again at some point in the future? That's pretty messed up for kids to deal with.


People do a lot of messed up things without even realizing who it will affect.
What seems fine in their mind is abhorent to others. Read some more Life After Divorce...you will see.


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## Mo24

I dont doubt that people do but that is not going to happen in this case. She cares a lot about our kids, and I would not let it happen anyway. Im not sure exactly what to do to make sure if we were to get back together but that is a long way off, if ever. 

I appreciate devil's advocate but some of this stuff is a little over the top. Is it possible the grass looks greener, then being a single mom with two kids, then your ex gets cancer and you realize your family is/was actually pretty important to you? Coming out of the MLC fog and seeing things for what they really are without all the abhorrent actions that go along with cheaters, etc?


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## SamuraiJack

ANYTHING is possible with humans. 

So are you actually considering a R?


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## Mo24

Im not considering R but I am expecting her to bring it up or start moving towards bringing it up sometime soon, based on the recent contact and the comment that I should 'ask her on a date when I am single again'. 

Mixed feelings about this and trying to prepare for the discussion and how to handle it.


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## poppyseed

Mo24 said:


> Was married about 7.5 years; daughter 5 son 2 at time of break up-- last halloween got the ILYBINILWY speech.
> 
> We had moved back home about a year earlier, wife was going back to school and SAHM, big changes from both working full time and family at a long distance. Red flags for cheating-- she got tatoos, waxed, more GNO. Looking back, big changes in her behavior. Im certain she was looking for something-- a mid life crisis based on the research ive done-- that she was bored. I could not find any proof of cheating in texts, FB, phone, etc.
> 
> Once I knew she was in this fog and it wasnt going to change, I went forward, pushed the D as quickly as I could.



Good point, Samurai. Personally, it may be unwise to try R with someone whom you had the gut feelings that she had cheated...cake eating behaviour may come up at some point again. Then what are you going to do?

You quickly had D and then cancer was soon found; you had a short-lived "whirlwind" relationship with a woman and soon found out you didn't want the relationship. Now, you are considering R... Perhaps, you need to slow down and wait till your system recovers from chemo.....which is famously known to affect the brain in some patients. Avoid jumping into R. Assess and re-assess..see a therapist at least, before you make any major decisions. Samurai is right.


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## clipclop2

What are you really asking about?


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## SamuraiJack

clipclop2 said:


> What are you really asking about?


He appears to be at a crossroads of the soul. 
In a way I sort of envy him. This is a prime time for personal growth.


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## bandit.45

KittyKat said:


> I'm not sure what it is you are asking. If you want us to guess at what your ex wife wants, I'd say she got a pretty good scare with you having cancer.
> A divorce doesn't stop one from caring or loving the other person.
> 
> And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what either would want from you. You have an ex wife that you are now complaining about her wanting to vent to you. If it bothers you that much, tell her to stop.
> And you treated your ex gf like crap. You move in with her so she can take care of you when you're sick and then say you aren't ready to let anyone in to 'control your life' and break up with her.
> 
> Dude, you are selfish and both women should be thankful you left them.


Well if you think about it Kitty, he did everything that all the pro-alpha posters on TAM tell guys like him to do. 

He was proactive in divorcing his flaky exW when she flaked out and had her MLC...

He quickly found another bosom to land in with the new GF before his D was even final....

He is moving on so quickly that it has thrown his flakey exW for a loop, shot his sex rank through the roof, and she is now out of the fog and thinking maybe she fvcked up and should not have acted like a college bimbo. His cancer has also added a layer of guilt onto the confusion she is feeling. 

Yeah, he treated his GF like sh!t. I agree with you there. Otherwise, he may well be the new star stud of TAM.


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## bandit.45

Mo24 said:


> Im not considering R but I am expecting her to bring it up or start moving towards bringing it up sometime soon, based on the recent contact and the comment that I should 'ask her on a date when I am single again'.
> 
> Mixed feelings about this and trying to prepare for the discussion and how to handle it.


Before any R can even begin, she has to come clean as to her behavior last year. If she was having an affair or affairs, she needs to admit it and give you the details. This is non-negotiable before you should even think about getting back together with her. 

Second, she needs to attend IC. To address her MLC issues and explore why she chose to throw her relationship,with you out the window. 

Third, if R is to occur, you both have to attend marriage counseling. Don't let her move back in with you until you are 100% sure she is showing true remorse and complete transparency.


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## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Well if you think about it Kitty, he did everything that all the pro-alpha posters on TAM tell guys like him to do.
> 
> He was proactive in divorcing his flaky exW when she flaked out and had her MLC...
> 
> He quickly found another bosom to land in with the new GF before his D was even final....
> 
> He is moving on so quickly that it has thrown his flakey exW for a loop, shot his sex rank through the roof, and she is now out of the fog and thinking maybe she fvcked up and should not have acted like a college bimbo. His cancer has also added a layer of guilt onto the confusion she is feeling.
> 
> Yeah, he treated his GF like sh!t. I agree with you there. Otherwise, he may well be the new star stud of TAM.


Can't argue with this.:iagree:


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## Dedicated2Her

bandit.45 said:


> Well if you think about it Kitty, he did everything that all the pro-alpha posters on TAM tell guys like him to do.
> 
> He was proactive in divorcing his flaky exW when she flaked out and had her MLC...
> 
> He quickly found another bosom to land in with the new GF before his D was even final....
> 
> He is moving on so quickly that it has thrown his flakey exW for a loop, shot his sex rank through the roof, and she is now out of the fog and thinking maybe she fvcked up and should not have acted like a college bimbo. His cancer has also added a layer of guilt onto the confusion she is feeling.
> 
> Yeah, he treated his GF like sh!t. I agree with you there. Otherwise, he may well be the new star stud of TAM.


Yeah, introducing his gf quickly to the girlfriend makes him a new star stud. PFFFT. A reactionary move to push a divorce while starting up a new relationship is pretty codependent. I told you in January, Mo, when you were posting under the other "Mo". I told you. I hate to be right on this, but DUH. I'm sorry to hear about your sickness.

Please use this time to focus on yourself and your kids, and do not allow manipulative people (women) to hinder your self development.


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## clipclop2

Star stud of TAM? That would be very sad indeed.


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## SamuraiJack

clipclop2 said:


> Star stud of TAM? That would be very sad indeed.


Is there at least a small cheaply coated brass statue and poorly made plaque?


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## clipclop2

Handed out at the annual conference, yes.


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## bandit.45

clipclop2 said:


> Handed out at the annual conference, yes.


I use mine for a doorstop.


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## clipclop2

To stop it opening or closing?


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## poppyseed

SamuraiJack said:


> In a way I sort of envy him. This is a prime time for personal growth.


I get that completely after reading what had happened to you... 

I'm sure many of us are still harbouring the sentiment (occasionally, at least) to some degree, "wish things did work out".


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## Mo24

some quick thoughts...

gut feeling about cheating-- well, I didnt really have a feeling she was cheating, just got that from here based on the things I noted she was doing. I do in fact not necessarily believe she was cheating. I know it's possible but if I had to bet I would say no. When I started looking into her phone, etc., i found nothing but when I started researching issues like mine it was definitely MLC. 

So...coming clean...I guess if she DIDNT cheat that would be just admitting she was bored? 

Personal growth at this time-- can you be more specific about what I need to do to achieve this? Do I shut her and all women out of my life (to the extent I can since we have kids)? And what do I do for myself? I do have some healing to do from the cancer. Had to stop working out due to severe weight loss, but hopefully in a few months I will be able to do that again. 

Also, as co parents, ex takes it very personal if we are not friendly; asks why i am 'standoffish' if she thinks i am short with her even if it is not meant to be that way. What is a cordial way to back off if that is what i need to do? I do enjoy having her around when doing stuff with the kids, like the bday party this weekend. Now she actually helps plus the kids are happier when we are both there. 

As far as the gf, yes it was a mistake. I should not have gone along with it as far as I did for sure, and when the treatment started I was very miserable and her doing everything for me made it worse actually. So yes, mistake. Moving on from that and trying not to make another one...


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## bandit.45

No way she let you walk out of her life like that unless she had another guy or guys waiting in the wings. Women are like tree monkeys: they make sure they have a strong new branch to grab onto before they let go of the old one. 

It must really chap your ass that it took divorcing her, breaking up the family, having to replace her with a GF just to get the dumb broad to admit she messed up.

Have you considered dating her? Yours wouldn't be the first story we've seen here of divorced couples remarrying or getting back together after the offending partner admits their bozo ways and works towards reconciliation.


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## SamuraiJack

Mo24 said:


> some quick thoughts...
> 
> gut feeling about cheating-- well, I didnt really have a feeling she was cheating, just got that from here based on the things I noted she was doing. I do in fact not necessarily believe she was cheating. I know it's possible but if I had to bet I would say no. When I started looking into her phone, etc., i found nothing but when I started researching issues like mine it was definitely MLC.
> 
> So...coming clean...I guess if she DIDNT cheat that would be just admitting she was bored?
> 
> Personal growth at this time-- can you be more specific about what I need to do to achieve this? Do I shut her and all women out of my life (to the extent I can since we have kids)? And what do I do for myself? I do have some healing to do from the cancer. Had to stop working out due to severe weight loss, but hopefully in a few months I will be able to do that again.
> 
> Also, as co parents, ex takes it very personal if we are not friendly; asks why i am 'standoffish' if she thinks i am short with her even if it is not meant to be that way. What is a cordial way to back off if that is what i need to do? I do enjoy having her around when doing stuff with the kids, like the bday party this weekend. Now she actually helps plus the kids are happier when we are both there.
> 
> As far as the gf, yes it was a mistake. I should not have gone along with it as far as I did for sure, and when the treatment started I was very miserable and her doing everything for me made it worse actually. So yes, mistake. Moving on from that and trying not to make another one...


Personal growth in this instance would be to face your fears and look at yourself as you REALLY are.
Its a daunting task, but it is very rewarding.
The first step to becomeing a great guy is allowing yourself to see you as you REALLY are.
This truth will be painful but good.
Then you will know where to start looking for more of yourself.

You dont have to go hug trees or sign Kumbuyah.
You can be honest with yourself and still be manly.
There is a little voice in the back of your head that plays all the time. Find that voice and listen to it and learn how it has affected you to this point.
Once you tune into that voice, you can choose what to listen to and what not to.

If you are a reader, I would suggest "When the Past hurts" by David Ricoh. Its a great way to get started.


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## Mo24

I did do an online and phone class/seminar for about six weeks or so after my wife said she wanted divorce and did definitely get some where re our marriage and how it became stale. Also about how our parents' marriages and divorces affected us. She has also been in IC weekly or more for several months and appears t realized how she sabotaged it in her own way too. 

I am interested in dating/being close with her again but more interested in myself right now and want to know how to grow and be a better person if I can figure those things out.

And then at the same time I dont want to get back into a situation with her that is miserable again, so I am trying to figure that out without being an @$$ to her. 

Lots of variables here and I know I am just rambling. 

Is this the book: When the Past Is Present 
Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships ?


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## SamuraiJack

Mo24 said:


> I did do an online and phone class/seminar for about six weeks or so after my wife said she wanted divorce and did definitely get some where re our marriage and how it became stale. Also about how our parents' marriages and divorces affected us. She has also been in IC weekly or more for several months and appears t realized how she sabotaged it in her own way too.
> 
> I am interested in dating/being close with her again but more interested in myself right now and want to know how to grow and be a better person if I can figure those things out.
> 
> And then at the same time I dont want to get back into a situation with her that is miserable again, so I am trying to figure that out without being an @$$ to her.
> 
> Lots of variables here and I know I am just rambling.
> 
> Is this the book: When the Past Is Present
> Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships ?


I believe this is the book. Its very easy to read and makes good sense.


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## clipclop2

What are some of the highlights of the book SJ?


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## SamuraiJack

clipclop2 said:


> What are some of the highlights of the book SJ?


Basically it shows you how the hurts of your past can influence your present life. You would be amazed at how many people carry around resentments and hurts from their early childhood that still dictate their actions.
This book shows the way to recognizing them and possibly putting them to rest.

Simply knowing that you have them is an automatic 15% improvement in your life.

For some....possibly 50%.


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## Mo24

So we had joint family bday party for our 3 year old this weekend and ex wanted to talk afterwards. 

She made a comment that the last few times she came to my house (which has been pretty often lately) she has been super attracted to me and 'wanted to jump my bones' she said. 

I asked her how she went from not attracted to me and wanting divorce to telling me I should ask her out and this comment about being attracted to me. 

Of course, she didnt really have an answer but pointed out since we are not married she has liked hanging out with me more, there is not any fighting etc. But she said she still thinks we should not be married. It was a long conversation so im sure im missing something, but she texted me thanks for the talk later that night, so in some way she needs to have these 'talks' with me every now and again. 

I told her that I was not going to be some fall back guy for her and that she wanted the divorce and cant have it both ways. i did admit that I didnt feel like she had been taking advantage of me-- since i got the cancer she has been wanting to help me and now that I am living back at my house she has brought over protein shakes, cleaned when I was exhausted and sleeping. Other favors, etc. She helps w/ the kids some nights when I have them. 

This stuff does help b/c I am still down about 25 pounds and days wear me out. 

However, I need a plan to move on and still coparent with her if there is going to be no physical gratification in this for me. I am in no mood for dating right now. I am still recovering from the cancer so my energy level is very low.

A few things I know I can do are minimize our contact-- make it only about the kids, be in a good mood when I do contact her, conficence, etc. 

Trying to find things I actually have energy for right now is hard, so focus on gaining strength/weight is the main thing I think. 

If anyone can help me narrow down/focus on a plan, any thoughts are appreciated.


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## TryingToRecover

bandit.45 said:


> No way she let you walk out of her life like that unless she had another guy or guys waiting in the wings. Women are like tree monkeys: they make sure they have a strong new branch to grab onto before they let go of the old one.
> 
> It must really chap your ass that it took divorcing her, breaking up the family, having to replace her with a GF just to get the dumb broad to admit she messed up.
> 
> Have you considered dating her? Yours wouldn't be the first story we've seen here of divorced couples remarrying or getting back together after the offending partner admits their bozo ways and works towards reconciliation.


Tree monkeys? Well, alrighty then.

I left my first husband without grabbing onto another "branch" and would leave my current husband of 20+ years if necessary; again, no branch involved. What does that make me, an orangutan? Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

TryingToRecover said:


> Tree monkeys? Well, alrighty then.
> 
> I left my first husband without grabbing onto another "branch" and would leave my current husband of 20+ years if necessary; again, no branch involved. What does that make me, an orangutan? Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Baboon?


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## bandit.45

Mo24 said:


> So we had joint family bday party for our 3 year old this weekend and ex wanted to talk afterwards.
> 
> She made a comment that the last few times she came to my house (which has been pretty often lately) she has been super attracted to me and 'wanted to jump my bones' she said.
> 
> I asked her how she went from not attracted to me and wanting divorce to telling me I should ask her out and this comment about being attracted to me.
> 
> Of course, she didnt really have an answer but pointed out since we are not married she has liked hanging out with me more, there is not any fighting etc. But she said she still thinks we should not be married. It was a long conversation so im sure im missing something, but she texted me thanks for the talk later that night, so in some way she needs to have these 'talks' with me every now and again.
> 
> I told her that I was not going to be some fall back guy for her and that she wanted the divorce and cant have it both ways. i did admit that I didnt feel like she had been taking advantage of me-- since i got the cancer she has been wanting to help me and now that I am living back at my house she has brought over protein shakes, cleaned when I was exhausted and sleeping. Other favors, etc. She helps w/ the kids some nights when I have them.
> 
> This stuff does help b/c I am still down about 25 pounds and days wear me out.
> 
> However, I need a plan to move on and still coparent with her if there is going to be no physical gratification in this for me. I am in no mood for dating right now. I am still recovering from the cancer so my energy level is very low.
> 
> A few things I know I can do are minimize our contact-- make it only about the kids, be in a good mood when I do contact her, conficence, etc.
> 
> Trying to find things I actually have energy for right now is hard, so focus on gaining strength/weight is the main thing I think.
> 
> If anyone can help me narrow down/focus on a plan, any thoughts are appreciated.


She misses you. Misses the security of marriage. But the lure of freedom and dating new men is just as strong. She wants to cake eat. She wants you to be her faux husband but still give her the freedom to run around and do whatever she wants when she wants, as long as you stay available for her. She wants an open relationship with the option of getting remarried in the future. 

Good for you putting the nix on that. Don't let her use you like that. One day she will be over her MLC. She will either remarry or realize too late what she gave up. Either way you will have moved on.


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## Mo24

i dont know if i have really done a good job of putting the nix on that but i am aware of the dynamics and told her i would not allow it. so...just need to watch myself and our interactions to make sure i am true to that and protect myself.


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## SamuraiJack

Ah here is the ironic part. The more you distance from her, the better you look to her...a sort of unintentional 180.

I say keep it up and let her eat her heart out.


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## bandit.45

Mo24 said:


> i dont know if i have really done a good job of putting the nix on that but i am aware of the dynamics and told her i would not allow it. so...just need to watch myself and our interactions to make sure i am true to that and protect myself.


If you want to bang her then go for it. Realize though that you will be feeding her ego as one of a harem of men.


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## TimeHeals

When it comes to serious crap like divorce, I think life is a lot easier if you just remember one rule: one chance per lifetime per person.

Not big on making the same mistake twice. Always feel twice as dumb whenever I do that


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## tulsy

bandit.45 said:


> If you want to bang her then go for it. Realize though that you will be feeding her ego as one of a harem of men.


If you can handle it, you COULD bang her...she's basically asking for it, hard. IF you know you won't get attached, and you're single now, then feel free to hit it.

Remind her later that she told you she wanted to stay divorced. Oh, and wear a rubber....EVERY time. 

Personally, I would continue to date, even if you decide to begin a "booty-call" relationship with the ex....it will keep your heart out of it so she can't squash it on you later.

I know a number of guys who's ex's come back for booty-calls. My ex tried to entice me a couple times, but I never took the bait because I was already serious with someone else...but even if I was single, our breakup was so bad I just wouldn't want the "friend" part of "friends with benefits"...she's not a good friend.

Think it over before you decide to dive in. Sounds like she'd ride in a heartbeat, but it may not be worth it. Along with the sex comes old baggage you may have long buried....nostalgia can creep in and start some wild emotions for one or both of you.

Good luck and be careful.


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## Mo24

Just a quick update. 

Last night D6 school had a curriculum night where parents listen to the teacher talk about what the children should be learning. We met there. I was not as talkative as normal and barely looked at ex actually. 

I was kind of annoyed at something that had to do with a townhome we still own in another state-- ex basically said, my classes are starting so i dont have time for this, you need to deal with it. I got pretty annoyed and told her we are all busy, everyone is. ( i am still working on my cancer deal). Didnt mean to but probably looked p*ssed the rest of the night. she said, im sorry you just deal with this stuff better than i do and i wanted to help when you were in treatment but i dont know what to do about this (renter issues).

so we listened to the teacher, i didnt look at ex. then we left and she was making small talk about kids and i wasnt saying much. ex just said, are you ok? you are acting kinda weird around me tonight. 

i need to do a better job of being happy, confident but aloof i guess. cause when i read on here-- and think about what might have happened or could still be happening (other men/cheating, etc)-- i let it get to me. 

Will see her again tonight as she is picking up S3 after her night class.


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## bandit.45

She can't handle the hard parts of real life. She knows she still needs you to do that. Cake eater. 

I would throw it back on her. She wanted to be single and free. By God let her reap ALL the good and bad of what that freedom entails. I would flat out refuse to do it.


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