# Husband wants to be single..



## abyc

My husband and I have been married for one year, together for 8 years. We started dating in highschool and we are only 25. I knew something has been off with him lately and he told me that he's felt like we're just going through the motions and we lost our spark. He also said he's always had the thought of wanting to be single going through his head, even before we got married. He said he thought the feeling would go away, but it hasn't. After him telling me this and only talking about it for 2 hours, he wanted to just end everything right there, without even trying to fix it because he doesn't think he can fix how he feels. He said he still loves me and is in love with me, but he just wants to be single. I cannot just throw my marriage away after talking about the issue for a few hours. He said he is willing to try because he cares about me, but it didn't sound very convincing. I know because we starting dating so young neither of us had a chance to really figure ourselves out as individuals. I think the first step for us is to give each other some space, maybe? I'm not sure what to do, but I have to try everything before throwing my marriage away..... any advice?


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## jld

Well, you could offer MC.

Personally, if my husband said something like that to me, I think I would tell him he is free to leave.


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## Mr.Fisty

Separating would be a bad idea in most cases. You both need your own friends and hobbies, and you need to share some things you both find exciting. Have you tried dating each other and having fun. Go on a romantic date one night, and then go laser tagging for another date. You also have to share intimate thoughts with each other. You both can grow together. You need your separate identity and you need one as a couple. There has to be a balance, and some level of independence. 

Also, make sure he is not cheating either. judging from statistics, and the weak bond of your marriage, there is definitely a high percentage of it occurring. The issue could be him too. He may be lazy when it comes to relationships. You would know best. Does he offer anything, or does he simply just want you to do all the work?


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## abyc

From what he's said he hasn't been cheating on me. He did say he's scared that if we stay together and try to fix it nothing will get fixed and he will end up cheating on me. He said something's wrong with him. He said he loves me and he was never second guessing if he found the right person, he was just second guessing if he should have found a person at all..

He definitely used to put a lot of effort into our relationship, but I could tell lately that that's changed. We definitely don't have much of our own identity, especially me. Even if we hang out with friends, it's always both of us hanging out with friends together. Since we've been together I've become very dependent on him and I know that's something that needs to be worked on on my end and I do need to find my own interests on my own.


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## Mr.Fisty

abyc said:


> From what he's said he hasn't been cheating on me. He did say he's scared that if we stay together and try to fix it nothing will get fixed and he will end up cheating on me. He said something's wrong with him. He said he loves me and he was never second guessing if he found the right person, he was just second guessing if he should have found a person at all..
> 
> He definitely used to put a lot of effort into our relationship, but I could tell lately that that's changed. We definitely don't have much of our own identity, especially me. Even if we hang out with friends, it's always both of us hanging out with friends together. Since we've been together I've become very dependent on him and I know that's something that needs to be worked on on my end and I do need to find my own interests on my own.



Judging from those facts alone, you lean on him to provide most of your emotional needs. That is a huge stress to place on a person. No one should be your entire world . You need to stand on your own two feet, and if your using him as a constant crutch, he is carrying on your share as well. In certain times of course you will need the support.


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## norajane

What does being single mean to him? Being with other women? Having fewer responsibilities? Being able to go out drinking with his buddies? Having time alone in the house? Making decisions that only take himself into account? Not having to do things that he doesn't want to do but that you want or need him to do? Dropping everything to travel or go into the Peace Corps?

Ask him to be more specific about what being single means to him. Some things you can work on, like making sure he has time for his own hobbies and friends. Other things, like dating other women, you can't do anything about.


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## abyc

Mr.Fisty said:


> Judging from those facts alone, you lean on him to provide most of your emotional needs. That is a huge stress to place on a person. No one should be your entire world . You need to stand on your own two feet, and if your using him as a constant crutch, he is carrying on your share as well. In certain times of course you will need the support.


You're completely right. I think I've always known that in the back of my head, but I've always just pushed it aside because I've just wanted to be with him. I don't think in any way that I married the wrong person, and from what he's said he doesn't either. I think we both just need to find ourselves as individuals. I'm just hoping it's not too late for that and we can save our relationship.


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## Duguesclin

Have you asked him what he plans to do if he is single?

Does he want to be single because he wants to be alone?

Does he want to date other women?

Does he want to watch he own TV programs?

Or is he just depressed?

Do you have a project together? Do you have a goal? Is it clear to both of you?


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## abyc

norajane said:


> What does being single mean to him? Being with other women? Having fewer responsibilities? Being able to go out drinking with his buddies? Having time alone in the house? Making decisions that only take himself into account? Not having to do things that he doesn't want to do but that you want or need him to do? Dropping everything to travel or go into the Peace Corps?
> 
> Ask him to be more specific about what being single means to him. Some things you can work on, like making sure he has time for his own hobbies and friends. Other things, like dating other women, you can't do anything about.


I think being with other women actually is a little part of what being single means to him. Just because we started dating in highschool and he really was never with anyone else. He said he doesn't know anything different than loving me so I think he feels like he's missing out on something. I just don't understand it because he says he really does love me. Why question it then?

But I also think a big part of it is just him going out and doing his own thing with his friends. I tell him he can and I really don't mind, but he knows that I really would rather him not so he doesn't because he feels bad.

Gosh, this is making me realize how much of this is really me....


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## EleGirl

If the two of you do the right work together you can rebuild the relationship, most likely into one that is ever better than it ever has been.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them. It's knowledge about relationships you should have whether he stays or not. So reading them is good regardless. 

Then see if he will join you in reading the books and doing the work they suggest.

That said, do not pressure him. Just tell him that you want to work on the marriage and to do it you want to go to marriage counseling and work through the books. But if he really does not want to be in the marriage, then he is free to go. And if he goes, he cannot come back. 

Let him make the choice for himself. Presuring him to stay will only drive him away. He might stay longer, but like he says he will probably cheat.

My bet is that he is already cheating. Yea I know he told you he is not cheating. I have news for you, people who are cheating always lie about it. If it's not a physical affair (PA) it's an emotional affair (EA).


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## EleGirl

abyc said:


> I think being with other women actually is a little part of what being single means to him. Just because we started dating in highschool and he really was never with anyone else. He said he doesn't know anything different than loving me so I think he feels like he's missing out on something. I just don't understand it because he says he really does love me. Why question it then?
> 
> But I also think a big part of it is just him going out and doing his own thing with his friends. I tell him he can and I really don't mind, but he knows that I really would rather him not so he doesn't because he feels bad.
> 
> Gosh, this is making me realize how much of this is really me....


A major problem here is your ages. The human brain does not fully mature until around age 26. At that time, people generally experience a huge shift in personality, desires for life, etc.

This is why, most divorced occur in couples in which the wife was under 25 at the time of marriage and/or the man under 30.

In past generations, young couples grew up together and divorce was not acceptable. So societal pressures kept them together. Today societal pressures push people apart. Divorce is so acceptable that it's often the one solution suggested to a person if they even get the hiccups.


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## abyc

EleGirl said:


> If the two of you do the right work together you can rebuild the relationship, most likely into one that is ever better than it ever has been.
> 
> Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them. It's knowledge about relationships you should have whether he stays or not. So reading them is good regardless.
> 
> Then see if he will join you in reading the books and doing the work they suggest.
> 
> That said, do not pressure him. Just tell him that you want to work on the marriage and to do it you want to go to marriage counseling and work through the books. But if he really does not want to be in the marriage, then he is free to go. And if he goes, he cannot come back.
> 
> Let him make the choice for himself. Presuring him to stay will only drive him away. He might stay longer, but like he says he will probably cheat.
> 
> My bet is that he is already cheating. Yea I know he told you he is not cheating. I have news for you, people who are cheating always lie about it. If it's not a physical affair (PA) it's an emotional affair (EA).


It seems like I'm already pressuring him because he wanted to call it quits two hours after telling me this. After telling him I wasn't willing to give up after talking for just a little bit, he said he'll work on it because he does love me and cares about me. 

If he has been cheating, I honestly don't even think a physical affair would even be possible. When we're not working we're together all the time. However, an emotional affair is more realistic.

He said he thinks he's changed, which I can understand. We are young and people change during this time in their lives. It just confuses me when he says he still is in love with me, but doesn't necessarily want to be with me.


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## Duguesclin

abyc said:


> Gosh, this is making me realize how much of this is really me....


No, the problem is him. He has way too much time in his hand and is not using it wisely.

What does he do after work? Does he have a side project like building a house, or competing in sports, or flying plane,...?

Just going to work and chasing women is not the best for a married guy.


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## abyc

Duguesclin said:


> No, the problem is him. He has way too much time in his hand and is not using it wisely.
> 
> What does he do after work? Does he have a side project like building a house, or competing in sports, or flying plane,...?
> 
> Just going to work and chasing women is not the best for a married guy.


We meet each other at the gym right after work, then go home together, make dinner, watch a little tv, and go to bed. And repeat every week night. 

On the weekends we'll go out with friends together or stay at home and watch a movie together. He would rather go out all weekend, but I usually feel like we don't get to connect much during the week because we're so busy and exhausted after work so I just want to do something relaxing with him.


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## Duguesclin

What about working on more education?

I hate to say it, but he needs more to do. However he should be the one with a plan, not you.

You should not push him. It should come from him. If he decides he wants to be single you have to insist there is no going back.


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## NewToHeartBreak

I've been with my wife since I was 15 and we're now 30. She's the only women I've ever been with. So I'll try and give you some insight into what your husband is thinking/feeling and some suggestions. 

Firstly if you have no evidence to suggest he's cheating, then he isn't cheating. If you want to end your marriage then treating him like a cheater when he's not is pretty sure fire way to get him to leave. 

For a lot of guys the number of woman they have slept with is a big part of their ego. It's BS and your husband probably know it but even so it's easy to get swept up in it especially if feels he doesn't have other things to be proud of achieving. So if he's a good guy/husband make sure he knows he can be proud of that. If he does well at some thing celebrate that success with him. If he does some thing for you tell him you appreciate it. When you go out with groups of people try and look and act like a woman any man would be proud to have hanging his arm.

During my time with my wife my level of attraction has varied. It goes through the roof and I can't believe how lucky I am and then it fads. What often gets me going again is when she changes how she looks. A new hair style and color, a pair of underwear I've never seen her in, a style of dress she's never worn before. Men are visual so if you change how you look periodically he'll subconsciously feel like he's with a new woman but will consciously know he's with the love of his life 

Regarding your weekends, you are probably spending too much time together. If you meet at the gym every week night after work and then spend the evening together to then being together all weekend is too much. If he wants to do stuff with his buddies you should encourage him to, tell him you want him to enjoy him self without you. If he expresses interest in taking up a hobby then encourage him to "yes honey, you should so do that, you'd be good at it". Men like to feel like men by doing man stuff, curling up on the couch watching a romantic comedy with you isn't fun ever weekend he needs to have some adventures. 

You should probably find a new hobby of your own that will give you some thing to do without him and will give you something talk about when he is with you. 

After your have done those things then doing novel things together is also a great idea but not if it gets in the way of each others individual time. 

At times I've wondered what it would be like to be single but while the relationship was good I was always able to rationalize that experiencing been single couldn't possibly be worth losing my wonderful wife. The pride I took from having an awesome marriage more then over shadowed any negative feeling I had about "not playing the field".

Is there anything in your relationship or his life that could be making him unhappy?


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## turnera

abyc said:


> From what he's said he hasn't been cheating on me.


You expect him to tell the truth if he is?

Check his phone records. You'll likely find one number that has hundreds of connections.

If you find nothing, assume he's not cheating. But keep your eyes open.

As for getting married too young, I do agree. I don't like to see anyone marry UNTIL they are 25. Tell us more about your day to day lives so we can find ways you can be independent but still together.


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## woundedwarrior

Maybe it's just me, but when I first married, both my ex and my wife now, we wanted to spend every waking moment together for the first few years. We found things we loved to do together, hiking, walking, bike riding etc and it was great. Needing time apart or separate hobbies is important, but you're still in the "honeymoon" phase and should be having sex more than working or sleeping?
Did you live together during any of the 8 years together?
Maybe I'm a rarity, but I think some people have a "need" for marriage and others don't need it. I always wanted to find a "wife" to share my life with and cared less about "sowing my seeds". I've had 3 sex partners and married 2 of them and I'm 50 with no regrets.
The fact that he is ready to give up this soon, tells me he already has? He's just going through the motions to avoid hurting you. If you agreed with him and said "you're right, let's get divorced", he would be a happy guy. Nobody wants to hurt someone they care about, so if it's mutual, that alleviates a lot of guilt. Time will tell pretty quickly if he really wants to stay.
I'm not saying he is cheating, but since he mentioned it, it becomes just as big a problem. Those thoughts shouldn't exist if you want to be with someone.


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## abyc

Thank you for the replies and honest feedback.


I think the main thing that needs to be worked on to start out is doing things on our own so we're not together constantly. We have nothing left to talk about half the time because we're always together and that makes us just go through the motions everyday without any excitement. And when we are together we aren't able to connect on a deeper level.

We lived together all through college basically, except for summers when we were back home. Then bought a house a year after we graduated.

As far as our day to day lives go, it's pretty simple. We both work full time jobs and are pretty busy during the week. I've had a hard time with my job just being unhappy with it and I'm sure that put a lot of stress on him because of my constant complaining about it. But the past month I've changed so much with that and I've been a lot happier.

When he does things on his own he'll go play sports with his brothers and friends. But even if we meet up for happy hour with some friends sometimes it's him, The guys, and me. When it should just be him and the guys. Ive realized how much of my life revolves around him and I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and do things alone and with girlfriends.

As far as cheating goes, I know people say cheaters will just lie about it, but I truly do not think he is. You can call me stupid or naive but that's that.

He says he's confused and lost. He wonders about being single but doesn't know if he would end up being happy in the end if we split up and wouldn't want to lose me.


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## turnera

Two things, then. Yes, by all means start doing things separately. I would get him this book to read, it should help him a lot: 
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400

It's really good about men dividing their time into 'me time' as well as family time so that everyone is satisfied.

Plus, doing different things gives you stuff to talk about, lets you see each other as separate human beings with value and worth.

Second, you simply MUST start dating again. That's how you keep the PEA chemicals (love, lust, etc.) flowing and stay in love. Try out one new restaurant each week. Go to some college sports games. Find a record store. Take a leisure class together (I gave my H for Christmas a cooking class - we're going to learn how to cook food from India). Join geochaching.com and start finding stuff. Go on day trips to little towns around you. Make y'all's marriage something to look forward to, not something to dread being in. Make NEW memories, make NEW fun, start looking forward to seeing each other.


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## abyc

Thank you, turnera. We've discussed doing things on our own and I'm going to put all my effort into it. I'm hoping this helps. I definitely think we need to start dating each other too. We've grown so accustomed to our everyday lives that we've let it completely control us. I'll suggest some things and see if he has any suggestions, without pushing him.

I have so much hope for us because I know that we started with something incredible. I just want us to find it again.


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## NewToHeartBreak

"I've had a hard time with my job just being unhappy with it and I'm sure that put a lot of stress on him because of my constant complaining about it. But the past month I've changed so much with that and I've been a lot happier"

Yes constant complaining will put a real strain on your relationship. Especially if he already offered all the he to helpful suggestion he can. I have experienced this and by the end of it was close to tearing my hair out. 

"The guys, and me. When it should just be him and the guys. Ive realized how much of my life revolves around him and I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and do things alone and with girlfriends"

You are 100% correct, let him and his buddies have their guy time.

"As far as cheating goes, I know people say cheaters will just lie about it, but I truly do not think he is. You can call me stupid or naive but that's that"

You are not stupid or naive. If you have no reason to think he's cheating then he's not. 

"doesn't know if he would end up being happy in the end if we split up and wouldn't want to lose me"

Sounds like you have a good chance of turning this around IF you make some significant changes but as your already on the right track I'm sure you'll be fine.


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## turnera

I have good hopes for you - assuming he hasn't already met someone else. You really do need to keep snooping, just to be sure, because if he HAS, then what I'm advising is the wrong advice.

Many men his age come to a 'is that all there is' moment. And you really aren't giving him much to get all excited about. Be creative. Appeal to his wilder side. When I'd pick DH up at the airport at midnight after a trip, sometimes I'd show up in the car with nothing on but a robe, and take a detour down a deserted road, if you get my drift. Stuff like that. Guys wanna have fun; they grew up having fun and then it all suddenly stopped when you two got married. Think about it.

That said, if you do start doing separate things, have a conversation first about the use of alcohol and drugs.


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## turnera

My DD24 has a friend who got pregnant the first week she met her future husband. They're now married with 2 kids. The wife of a friend of HIS was having a baby shower, so the guys decided to have a 'baby shower' at the local restaurant/tavern while the girls did their thing. She refused to 'let' him go because she was also off work at the time and she said 'You don't take me out enough. So if you won't take ME out, you can't go out with THEM and you can't be where there will be alcohol.' 

DD24 and I are taking bets on how long before he just ups and leaves her.

Same thing for another couple the same age, with a kid, the girl won't let the guy hang out with his friends but she expects him to spend hundreds of dollars on her because, well, she's the girl; it's his job. He's already told us he's only hanging on because of the kid at home.


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## abyc

I have done some snooping before actually, which I hate to admit. He never gave me a reason to snoop, probably just my own insecurities. And each time I've done it (which was only a few) I felt terrible because I never found anything. So that's why I believe he's not cheating or hasn't cheated. What I think is he wants to see if he's missing out on something even though he loves me because being with me is all he knows.

I've realized I have a lot I need to work on with myself and he does too in order to fix our relationship.


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## abyc

I get what you're saying, turnera. I do "let" him go out and do his own thing but I think he ends up feeling bad and feels like he shouldn't because he knows deep down I don't want him to. Again, something I realize I need to work on.


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## NewToHeartBreak

You can fix this. I've basically been your husbands shoes before only difference is I didn't say it out loud and you can turn it around pretty quickly (since then other issues have come up but they are nothing like your issues).

Don't under estimate the importance of pointing out what he has to be proud of and how much you appreciate him as a husband. 

Periodically changing how you look/dress/hair style is an easy way to keep his physical interest for you up. 

Give him his space, don't be negative.


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## turnera

btw, have you read His Needs Her Needs? You should get it today; I'm sure it's in every library.


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## abyc

Someone else recommended His Needs Her Needs so I checked the library. It's out now but is due soon so I'll keep checking. Thanks for the recommendation.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm very hopeful.


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## constructionman

Just an Idea but have you tried to spice things up and "be" a different woman in the bedroom?

I have been faithful in all my relationships but the pressure to cheat comes from all angles. There is hidden meaning in wanting to be single.


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## tryingpatience

Not sure if I missed this but you need to find out what he means by being single. The way he answers this question will tell you a lot about what is going through his mind. You can ask him if separation means that you are both free to see other people. See what his reaction is. Either way it sounds like both of you need to talk more about it. Your original reaction was correct. You'll need more than 2 hours to decide.

Just know one thing though. If he wants out, you can't prevent him from leaving. If he has checked out, you need to start thinking about yourself, especially with the way you described your dependency on him.


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## NewToHeartBreak

Would be nice to know if any of the advice given on this thread was helpful or not.


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