# My Young Marriage Is Officially Ending



## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

Sorry to bring another divorce story here, but I needed to go somewhere online. My wife of 2 years (and partner of 8.5 yrs) left to "get some space" 4 days before our 2 year anniversary in mid-October. We'd had some good vacations this year and had agreed mutually in August to seek counseling for communication and conflict management. She had pressed me previously for counseling off & on, but I resisted as we had a mountain of debt to overcome after our wedding & home purchase, and I thought $100-$200 / hour was too extravagant. 

Well, after less than a month of separation, she made her mind up that "she couldn't give anymore to this relationship" and that she couldn't let go of my past transgressions or "get on with my life while being with you". Specifics to these points always varied and it seemed to be more of a "feeling" than anything in particular. 

All of this after we survived the Economic Crisis of 2008-2010 and moved from a small apartment into a beautiful home (for which I have paid over 90% of mortgage and expenses, as well as 95% of our retirement savings). 

We haven't been perfect; earlier this year we were each medicating ourselves with substances and therefore haven't been clear-headed for much of the year. We'd recently slowed down on the arguing, though arguments would quickly degenerate into "every other thing you've done wrong" (at least when directed at me), due to her inability to forgive me. For my part, when goaded in an argument, I can get quite nasty...she'd mention my family, and then I'd get personal on her. In my heart, there was never a question that I loved her and, I assumed, that was how she felt, too. I should have paid attention to the drunken complaints or when we'd argue and she'd snap, "I am starting to not like you anymore". Uh, me, too, but we are MARRIED...

Ultimately, she took off on me after spending a week with her single girlfriends and skinny-dipping in Belize for the benefit of the native boat captain and first mate who "guided" them around. After leaving in mid-October, she virtually refused to speak to me and essentially rebuffed all my romantic advances (recorded a love song, flowers on 2 occasions, sentimental gifts, etc.). After 2 weeks in couples' counseling she called it quits and is seeking a divorce. 

Her sister ran away from her family and I feel the same thing is happening here. Neither of us are perfect, but I don't see any failings on my part that exceed the failings on hers. It seems that she has gotten a taste of the single life and values "girls' nights out" more than time at home with her husband, as evidenced by the fact that she's spent more days this year traveling to visit girlfriends than we have traveled together. 

We had some other differences and certainly baggage from previous relationships and childhood, no doubt. The biggest shocker to me is the absolute refusal to attend counseling and try to work things out...in short order after I agreed to counseling, she was gone. Now, she is leaving a loving husband, beautiful home and strong future (as well as the promise of beautiful kids!) behind to be herself. Which evidently includes going to [female] strip clubs with her girlfriends and going on road trips with the single girls, as well as hanging out in all sorts of bars and posting it on Facebook. That, and moving into a spare bedroom of a girlfriend's house, which is part of the plan. The day she left, I asked if she banged some guy in Belize (I got a BS story about meeting an island native and "staying up late talking"); I found out a week later she changed her email & FB passwords the day she left. Coincidence....? No, I think not.

To the women out there -- we men don't always "get it" at first, but if you have married someone fundamentally good, don't make the mistake of not giving him a chance, especially when he hasn't beaten you, cheated on you, wrecked your finances (especially when the OPPOSITE is true) or generally taken advantage of you. Give him a chance. He probably loves you a lot and you could avoid making a choice that you'll regret. 


To the men---my advice is to pay closer attention. Also, make sure you aren't making any unconscious mistakes in mate selection. I selected someone who was a great complement to me in some ways, but in other ways didn't share the same goals/ideals (importance of a secure future, shared goals and vision, dedication to the idea of marriage, common interests beyond partying, etc.). I also think I found a "rescue" candidate; she was in financial turmoil when we met & I'm good with money. I helped turn her finances around -- she went from a 560 credit score to 760 while with me and almost paid off all those credit cards (after 8+ years!). My counselor sees me as filling a parental role and her as emerging into adolescence -- "I CAN TOO make it on my own, I don't need YOU!". 

For my part, I think there is also infidelity. Or else she just wasn't cut out to be married - when it was time to start trying to get pregnant she got a "bad feeling" and bolted. Less than 2 years after being married. 

My heart is so broken; I wanted a life partner and best friend and thought I had those, despite our imperfections. Hearing the words, "I want a divorce and won't change my mind" made last Thursday the worst day of my life. 

I don't hold out hope for reconciliation and am not fooling myself. I am just extremely wounded and completely shell-shocked. I've gone from trying to provide a secure future for the family I wanted to having to figure out how to live life as a single man. I have 2 degrees and a strong career, so I am not without prospects. Still, this is not what I wanted at the age of 36. 

While it won't win her back, I am doing my best to embark on a 180; at least, acknowledging that a 180 is helpful and needed. Naturally, when we [have to] see each other, she pulls the "I'm hurting, too" and "I know what it feels like" nonsense. Uh, yeah.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

No kids? Cut your losses. I know it isn't that easy - but it is necessary. 

Hard 180. 

Don't respond to text messages, emails, or phone calls. 

From reading your post, I can tell you have a good head on your shoulder and ahead of the curve.

"I'm hurting, too" and "I know what it feels like" <--- Kudos, for recognizing BS.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> No kids? Cut your losses. I know it isn't that easy - but it is necessary.
> 
> Hard 180.
> 
> ...


Thanks, ReGroup. She's leaving a comfortable life and loyal partner for what's behind Curtain #2. Maybe that's another man, or maybe it's a party life with all the single girls (I think she looks up to the 40-ish women in our group of friends who can't maintain a stable, healthy relationship). 

I'm a cloud computing consultant in a growing industry with both and undergrad in business and an MBA. She's got a high school diploma and works from home as a dispatch supervisor. I'm not sure what her game plan is, but it doesn't seem to involve planning for the future or trying to establish a comfortable, secure life. It seems to be "Move into friend's guest room. Store stuff in basement. Drink wine. See what happens."

I only wish (really, really, really wish) she could/would feel the anguish, despair and betrayal that I'm feeling. In retrospect, she's been preparing for this exit for 6-8 months, if not more. And nothing changed in that time, except that we started to fight less (as she withdrew?) and I made a healthy career change and our financial picture got in better shape. It's like the more that real life approached her, the less she wanted that wedding/marriage/house/kids life all along. What a freaking (w)itch.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Kerosene Hat said:


> Thanks, ReGroup. She's leaving a comfortable life and loyal partner for what's behind Curtain #2. Maybe that's another man, or maybe it's a party life with all the single girls (I think she looks up to the 40-ish women in our group of friends who can't maintain a stable, healthy relationship).
> 
> I'm a cloud computing consultant in a growing industry with both and undergrad in business and an MBA. She's got a high school diploma and works from home as a dispatch supervisor. I'm not sure what her game plan is, but it doesn't seem to involve planning for the future or trying to establish a comfortable, secure life. It seems to be "Move into friend's guest room. Store stuff in basement. Drink wine. See what happens."
> 
> I only wish (really, really, really wish) she could/would feel the anguish, despair and betrayal that I'm feeling. In retrospect, she's been preparing for this exit for 6-8 months, if not more. And nothing changed in that time, except that we started to fight less (as she withdrew?) and I made a healthy career change and our financial picture got in better shape. It's like the more that real life approached her, the less she wanted that wedding/marriage/house/kids life all along. What a freaking (w)itch.


Curtain number 2 is exciting to her, and you're not. You keep looking at it like you are such a catch, why would she leave, but she's not looking at it like that. She can find plenty of other men out there, and plenty of them would "take care of her" just like you did. She's a user, and once she uses you for what she wants, she never wants you again.

She wants to continue the single life, GNO's, travelling fun with her friends....she just wasn't the right girl for you. Better to find out before you have kids with her. 

Move on, keep on the 180, and don't waste your time dwelling on what you think "could'a been"....because it never "could'a been" with this chick.

Maybe concentrate on what you want in life, figure out what makes you happy, what you have fun doing, and start doing it. Hit the gym, eat right, travel, join a sports team, etc. You sound like you have finances in check, so start living for a change. 

Good luck man....you'll be fine.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Go dark on her and let her hit rock bottom. She will eventually feel that same guilt and similar pain that you are feeling. Right now it is difficult but stay 180. Let her go do her thing, you will start doing yours and she will certainly come back. Right now she has her little cheering section and low life friends. Let her lower her standards, but you do not lower yours. If you eventually want to take her back she will need to be better then what she is showing. Mine is pulling the same thing, kept running away and now feeling the pain..oh well.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

woosaa said:


> Go dark on her and let her hit rock bottom. She will eventually feel that same guilt and similar pain that you are feeling. Right now it is difficult but stay 180. Let her go do her thing, you will start doing yours and she will certainly come back.


I'm not so sure about this. There is a good chance she won't come back, especially if there is another man. Don't want to give this guy false hope. Not trying to be pessimistic but it's been 6 months since my wife left...she's definitely _*not*_ coming back.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> I'm not so sure about this. There is a good chance she won't come back, especially if there is another man. Don't want to give this guy false hope. Not trying to be pessimistic but it's been 6 months since my wife left...she's definitely _*not*_ coming back.


That is true, either way it will set him up to move forward and take the concentration off of her and back to what he wants. She may come back or may not.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> I'm not so sure about this. There is a good chance she won't come back, especially if there is another man. Don't want to give this guy false hope. Not trying to be pessimistic but it's been 6 months since my wife left...she's definitely _*not*_ coming back.


Ya, I'm with you. She's not coming back, and even if she was, who wants to be her plan "b"? She showed him where she places their relationship, and it's wasn't high on her list of important things in life....in fact, it's no longer in her life at all.

She left, doesn't want him, it's over...moving on is the best thing for this guy. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

woosaa said:


> That is true, either way it will set him up to move forward and take the concentration off of her and back to what he wants. She may come back or may not.


If he thinks she is coming back, he won't be taking the concentration off of her though. I say this because people on this site told me my wife would come back and I hung on that for a long time. When I finally realized she *ISN'T* coming back, I learned (still learning) to accept it and tried to move on. Best thing to do is accept she isn't coming back and if she does does(and you still want her) you will be pleasantly surprised.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> If he thinks she is coming back, he won't be taking the concentration off of her though. I say this because people on this site told me my wife would come back and I hung on that for a long time. When I finally realized she *ISN'T* coming back, I learned (still learning) to accept it and tried to move on. Best thing to do is accept she isn't coming back and if she does does(and you still want her) you will be pleasantly surprised.


This is truth.

Let her go, expect nothing, take it a day at a time. I say this because my wife is teasing me being undecided about whether to try R or divorce and it's driving me absolutely crazy. I may have take that decision out of her hands, as much as I don't want to.

Focus on you (which is what I should be doing at the moment). Get yourself together, make yourself happy, do your own thing. Don't worry about what she's doing because I assure you, she isn't worried about what you are doing.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> If he thinks she is coming back, he won't be taking the concentration off of her though. I say this because *people on this site told me my wife would come back and I hung on that for a long time.* When I finally realized she *ISN'T* coming back, I learned (still learning) to accept it and tried to move on. Best thing to do is accept she isn't coming back and if she does does(and you still want her) you will be pleasantly surprised.


Maybe some people told you she was coming back, but I'm sure others told you she probably wasn't coming back. Often, people only believe what they want to believe....I guess that's "hope". 

Glad to see you no longer have false hope.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> If he thinks she is coming back, he won't be taking the concentration off of her though. I say this because people on this site told me my wife would come back and I hung on that for a long time. When I finally realized she *ISN'T* coming back, I learned (still learning) to accept it and tried to move on. Best thing to do is accept she isn't coming back and if she does does(and you still want her) you will be pleasantly surprised.


That is def the way to go. Either way once you stop wondering why they left and do things for yourself (even if at a snails pace) the transition becomes smoother.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

woosaa said:


> That is def the way to go. Either way once you stop wondering why they left and do things for yourself (even if at a snails pace) the transition becomes smoother.


Thanks, everyone. I'm trying. It's tough to realize my wife is ultimately a user; she's labeled me a "taker" the whole way as she gave "emotional support" (which I assume means nagging me and listening when I talk about work after a long day) and she got "no support" in return (not true; I helped her with work, helped her build the self-confidence & skills to secure a promotion, etc.). When the tough decisions started to come up, she didn't like to heard "No". As in...it's 2009, you're unemployed. No, I don't think you should pursue a 4 year, $80,000 Interior Design degree full-time at the Art Institute when there is NO DEMAND for interior designers. This was crushing a dream to her; for me, it was trying to give a daydream a reality check.

When I went for a 10 mile run on Sunday, I felt the best I have since this whole s__show started. Going out for a run today, going to lift weights and get a long overdue haircut. I'm already looking at continuing ed courses for art or language. I can also stand to take an intro programming course for my job (that would never fly before, since it would feel like "work came first"). It's a long road. I've put on weight (fat and a lot of muscle) since we've been together; she's been dropping weight the last 6-8 months as the escape hatch has been readied. Hindsight is 20/20...

I harbor no expectations of her coming back, and after we are done with this D, she will not want to come back to me. As loyal a partner as I am, you do not want me as your adversary.

Hope she enjoys the girls' nights out and that DUI she seems destined to get. Glad I won't have THAT situation to "rescue"...I don't see it as a matter of if rather than when.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Maybe some people told you she was coming back, but I'm sure others told you she probably wasn't coming back. Often, people only believe what they want to believe....I guess that's "hope".
> 
> Glad to see you no longer have false hope.


Yes, that's what happened exactly. Different people told me different things. I of course chose to believe the people with "hope". Not anymore. I don't want this guy wasting his time like I did.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Kerosene Hat said:


> Thanks, everyone. I'm trying. It's tough to realize my wife is ultimately a user; she's labeled me a "taker" the whole way as she gave "emotional support" (which I assume means nagging me and listening when I talk about work after a long day) and she got "no support" in return (not true; I helped her with work, helped her build the self-confidence & skills to secure a promotion, etc.). When the tough decisions started to come up, she didn't like being told "No". As in...it's 2009, you're unemployed. No, I don't think you should pursue a 4 year, $80,000 Interior Design degree full-time at the Art Institute when there is NO DEMAND for interior designers. This was crushing a dream to her; for me, it was trying to give a daydream a reality check.
> 
> When I went for a 10 mile run on Sunday, I felt the best I have since this whole s__show started. Going out for a run today, going to lift weights and get a long overdue haircut. I'm already looking at continuing ed courses for art or language. I can also stand to take an intro programming course for my job (that would never fly before, since it would feel like "work came first"). It's a long road. I've put on weight (fat and a lot of muscle) since we've been together; she's been dropping weight the last 6-8 months as the escape hatch has been readied. Hindsight is 20/20...
> 
> ...


Are you ready to file? Have you spoken to an attorney?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> Yes, that's what happened exactly. Different people told me different things. I of course chose to believe the people with "hope". Not anymore. I don't want this guy wasting his time like I did.


Don't look at it like that. It's just part of the process.

Put in the work and move forward. Odd things happen. Your job is to be well no matter what the outcome is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Are you ready to file? Have you spoken to an attorney?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm ready to begin to move on, but I would prefer not to file. She is seeking a cheapie/uncontested D, so I want her to pay that fee. I'm meeting with a highly-recommended family law attorney in 1 hour.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Curtain number 2 is exciting to her, and you're not. You keep looking at it like you are such a catch, why would she leave, but she's not looking at it like that. She can find plenty of other men out there, and plenty of them would "take care of her" just like you did. She's a user, and once she uses you for what she wants, she never wants you again.
> 
> She wants to continue the single life, GNO's, travelling fun with her friends...._*she just wasn't the right girl for you*_. Better to find out before you have kids with her.
> 
> ...


That's the point. She never grew out of being a "girl". She liked other peoples' babies, but I always questioned what qualities about the party girl would make a great mom. Guess the answer is "none", at least with this particular sperm donor.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Kerosene Hat said:


> I'm ready to begin to move on, but I would prefer not to file. She is seeking a cheapie/uncontested D, so I want her to pay that fee. I'm meeting with a highly-recommended family law attorney in 1 hour.


Good man.

Tell us how it goes.

100% focus on you from here on out: dive into your work, fitness, reestablishing past friendships and making new ones.

You will be off the market in no time if that's what you want. Only this time you will have a better feel for the red flags.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I would like to add one thing here, and this is really to all men: if your wife asks for counseling please do not blow her off or come up with excuses as to why you can't. I'm not going to excuse your wife's behavior here but she asked you for counseling! What more did you need in order to figure out that all wasn't well? Then when you were ready you're shocked that she won't go? I also asked my ex for counseling and he refused because "everything is fine". Well maybe fine for you...when I left him he begged for it but by then I wasn't interested. You didn't want to spend the money and now your marriage is over. Was it worth it? Maybe it would've ended anyway but now you'll never know. Men: please learn from this. If your wife mentions MC your marriage is in real trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

When people show us who they truely are we need to believe them 

Good Luck and keep up the exercise


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would like to add one thing here, and this is really to all men: if your wife asks for counseling please do not blow her off or come up with excuses as to why you can't. I'm not going to excuse your wife's behavior here but she asked you for counseling! What more did you need in order to figure out that all wasn't well? Then when you were ready you're shocked that she won't go? I also asked my ex for counseling and he refused because "everything is fine". Well maybe fine for you...when I left him he begged for it but by then I wasn't interested. You didn't want to spend the money and now your marriage is over. Was it worth it? Maybe it would've ended anyway but now you'll never know. Men: please learn from this. If your wife mentions MC your marriage is in real trouble.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It takes 2 highly motivated and mature individuals + a highly trained professional to carry out productive counseling sessions.

In most cases, you have to individuals pointing fingers at each other and a counselor giving cliche instructions.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> It takes 2 highly motivated and mature individuals + a highly trained professional to carry out productive counseling sessions.
> 
> In most cases, you have to individuals pointing fingers at each other and a counselor giving cliche instructions.



Fair enough, and I did point out that it might not have worked. My point was that OP claimed that men need more communication that the marriage is in trouble and that he was blindsided. Not true: if your spouse asks for counseling all is not well. She did tell him, he wasn't interested until she was ready to leave. That was my point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

@LifeIsTooShort : This was in the OP, but it was kind of convoluted...

"_She had pressed me previously for counseling off & on, but I resisted as we had a mountain of debt to overcome after our wedding & home purchase, and I thought $100-$200 / hour was too extravagant....

Ultimately, she took off on me after spending a week with her single girlfriends and skinny-dipping in Belize for the benefit of the native boat captain and first mate who "guided" them around. After leaving in mid-October, she virtually refused to speak to me and essentially rebuffed all my romantic advances (recorded a love song, flowers on 2 occasions, sentimental gifts, etc.). After 2 weeks in couples' counseling she called it quits and is seeking a divorce._"

What I didn't say here (and what's important) is that I agreed to MC in August of this year and thought we both felt good...I traveled a lot for work and we didn't get a referral until 9/18, and then when I was returning from a trip on 10/9, I said, "Hey, I'm looking forward to making that counseling appointment." Along the way, this was all a fitness test and my last one; to my credit, I acknowledged the need and wasn't hearing much in the way of follow-up pressure. My assumption was that we would start counseling (as agreed) and that I'd make the appointment (as agreed). Then, when I was ready to make the appointment, she took off and split. I failed the fitness test before I had a chance to pass it. Her mind was made up and she was NOT going to give MC a shot. In my view, I'm looking at marriage as a LIFETIME, not a weekly contract with a lifetime renewal option. 

The only result for counseling in my Gmail history was back in 2009, when she suggested it over IM and right after my dad was put in a nursing home with a TBI (traumatic brain injury). I was already in IC and we talked about MC, but then buried the hatchet really fast. Subsequently, it only ever came up during verbally, and usually during fights or a time of stress (to my perspective). Shoulda/coulda/woulda. I emphasized up front to pay more attention, etc. etc. HOWEVER, this is (was) still a MARRIAGE and one that was < 2 years old. That's why I see other causes here...

* Peter Pan syndrome - freaking out about having a baby
* Party girl - need GNOs, bottle of wine in hand at all times
* Needing a scapegoat - it's all about what my husband HASN'T given, not what he HAS done
* Not valuing each other in ways that are important to your partner.

The last one is probably the most important and I was ready/excited to do that (finally). Then, she turned & ran immediately. That's pretty low in my book.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> It takes 2 highly motivated and mature individuals + a highly trained professional to carry out productive counseling sessions.
> 
> In most cases, you have to individuals pointing fingers at each other and a counselor giving cliche instructions.


We were at the finger-pointing stage until this summer, or so it seemed to me. Little did I know that arguing less and reduction of quantity/quality of sex life was tantamount to cold withdrawal and plotting to leave. In retrospect, sure. At the time, I just assumed we'd be able to work on our marriage, being that we were married and all. 

It's like the shininess of being married wore off & she realized things take time, hard work and sometimes we both aren't in the same frame of mind about things at the same time. Our timing was really off...when one was up for working on it, the other was withdrawn...and that was a pattern. Hopefully not one to repeat next time.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Kerosene Hat said:


> We were at the finger-pointing stage until this summer, or so it seemed to me.


We here call this The Drama Triangle.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

Realizing the role you played - is step #1.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> We here call this The Drama Triangle.
> 
> An Overview of the Drama Triangle
> 
> Realizing the role you played - is step #1.


Oh, for sure. The weird thing is that we pointed out the Drama Triangle for other family dynamics and never looked in the mirror ourselves.









I would be the SGP and she'd be the SGR, based on a quick re-read here. I'm bringing this, along with my 15 page journal, to my IC appointment tomorrow. Now, for that jog & haircut before my tears and shortness of breath torpedo a positive activity for myself.

I do have the feeling that, when you cut down to it, she has less of a work ethic and appetite for the "hard work" compared to me. Even her divorce settlement reflects this; in its current state, its quite advantageous to me. She just wants the discomfort to go away and find greener grass. That, and constant GNOs and wine nights...


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

How did counseling go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> How did counseling go?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Counseling was tough. The wife is ready to get a settlement drafted and sign it; I am still trying to go from "about to go to MC in September" to "divorced in November." It is a real whiplash.

Biggest takeaway from counseling was for me to realize that I have tried my best throughout this thing...not that you always act your best, but I never wanted to actively sabotage the marriage. That, and the fact that I am not solely responsible for this mess or my wife's inability to be happy and/or be satisfied with her self-identity. I met with her in person yesterday to once again implore her to wait to file; consider the permanence of this. She even suggested we could remarry...unbelievable. She said the only reason she would come back is not to hurt me and that she lost herself during the marriage. Consistent themes with the "identity crisis" and "need to be single and make it ON MY OWN." 

I wish I had the foggiest idea that I could have been fostering a sense of dependence or victim hood in her by...what, I am not exactly sure. But I saw us in that drama triangle. We sure moved around it. 

I am really trying to hold it together and accept that she stopped loving me over time and that I couldn't change that by the time I understood what was going on. Took some solace from Divorce Busters' article in Walkaway Wife Syndrome that the guys who wake up and change for the better often make great second husbands. 


I am really holding up the self-accounting mirror and having a tough time dealing with all my mistakes...the little chips in the foundation that can help to ultimately undo things. I am trying, though not succeeding, to not take all the blame. I have to remember that it takes two to make it or break it, Olay least in the situation we had.

I am hoping the next partner will be drug free, smoke free and a bit more mature in how we communicate. I know I will be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> It takes 2 highly motivated and mature individuals + a highly trained professional to carry out productive counseling sessions.
> 
> In most cases, you have to individuals pointing fingers at each other and a counselor giving cliche instructions.


Yeah, I am not sure it would have worked then...I have been under the impression that at least she has strong streaks of immaturity, manifested by a tit for tat nature and loud voices with broad generalizations ("you never/always do/don't do..."). And I matched that by trying to defend myself, as my primitive brain would register an attack, triggering the fight or flight response. And man, did my old man teach me how to fight with words. All these factors combined to make the bad times worse than they should be, but there were many good times, too. Now she has just decided she doesn't love me and that marriage isn't for her right now. Off to a journey of self-discovery, I guess. Note to self: next time, get pre-marital counseling and make sure you each have a common belief in the level if commitment it takes. And be open to work on it. Really big, painful lessons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

Yesterday was a better day - got a 3.5 mile run in and noticed I was down 15 lbs since this whole mess started. I've got about another 20 or so to lose yet. Went out with a buddy to get a couple beers last night and things were going well...

Until the relapse on the way to my buddy's house. STBXW's friend called me and told me how she had called STBXW to ask her to give things a go. Without going into details, the upshot was that I was left with a glimmer of hope that this long-time (married) friend of hers would influence her to change her mind. 

So, then I started blaming myself more & more. Trying to stop that; there were 2 parts to play in this. And I'm not the one who ultimately quit. 

So, now I'm trying to decide if I push forward with my attorney or drag my feet in the hope that STBXW can come to her senses.


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