# Going to try to R



## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Well am back. I stared a thread a few days ago about whether if I should divorce my WS or try Reconcile. Here the first thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/94913-confused-not-knowing-what-do-3.html#post3005345 

Since then I have talked to my wife never told I was thinking about R. I asked her I few questions about the affair itself. Like how long I went on for and the amount of times they did the deed and other things. Deep down I don’t know if she telling me the truth I may never know since the affair had almost 5 months ago. So I may never know if everything she has giving me is true and since the evidence I have is not the strongest and can’t prove much so I guess I will just have to live with it. 

Last night when I went to drop of our kids as we are currently separated. Talked to her again this time I did make it clear I was open to try to R and build a stronger marriage. She was happy we both agreed that it would be best if I moved in and stared going to counseling with her (she has been in counseling for the last few months). I told her I would go with her to her next counseling session and it’s probably best if I moved in at the end of the month. She didn’t look too happy about that but she didn’t say anything. So I guess the reason I’m posting this to get some advice on how to go about are and is there anything I should to make sure this doesn’t blow up in my face or any comments of people of have R are happy now more so than before, how hard has it been and would you do anything differently. 

Thanks again


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I hope for you the very best.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

T, unless you had someone under 24 hour surveillance, its impossible to know you've got the truth. So without that or some other calibrating evidence, anybody in your situation has to invest a certain amount of blind faith in the other person. 
Another unlikely goal a BS may try to achieve is, once again, learning to completely trust there one time WS. I've never be through your ordeal but I've been betrayed in many other ways by friends and kinfolk. In my heart, I want to trust them again but logically I can't. Not that they would necessarily repeat their betrayal, but there's too much scar tissue from the last time. The little voice will always say, "hey, you trust them before and look what happened". Hang in there, watch your back, and good luck.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

TonyStark said:


> Well am back. I stared a thread a few days ago about whether if I should divorce my WS or try Reconcile. Here the first thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/94913-confused-not-knowing-what-do-3.html#post3005345
> 
> Since then I have talked to my wife never told I was thinking about R. I asked her I few questions about the affair itself. Like how long I went on for and the amount of times they did the deed and other things. Deep down I don’t know if she telling me the truth I may never know since the affair had almost 5 months ago. So I may never know if everything she has giving me is true and since the evidence I have is not the strongest and can’t prove much so I guess I will just have to live with it.
> 
> ...


Good luck, man. I'm in R with my ww, feeling and thinking a lot of what you described above. Is it easy? No, hell no. Is it worth it? Get used to asking yourself that question a lot, if you're anything like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> the reason I’m posting this to get some advice on how to go about are and is there anything I should to make sure this doesn’t blow up in my face or any comments of people of have R are happy now more so than before, how hard has it been and would you do anything differently.
> 
> Thanks again


If she used an email to communicate with her toxic friends and the other man, she should delete it. She should share an email with you, the both of you can use the same email account, and there should be no other email account, unless you need a separate one for your business.

Likewise, facebook and all social media accounts should be deleted. They are not necessities. She can open new social media accounts when you start to feel comfortable and after your trust is somewhat restored.

The less you have to do to "check up" on her, the easier it will be for you. The more you can focus on your marriage and not on having to check up on her, the quicker and easier this reconciliation will be.

Trust has to be restored. Don't let some counselor tell you that you just have to trust her ON FAITH if you are going to reconcile, trust is always earned, always, never just given, especially to someone who has proven untrustworthy in the recent past. They may tell you trust is necessary for a marriage and that is true, and you can tell them that hopefully your wife will be able to restore your trust by her continued behavior and lack of cheating, but that right now trust still is close to zero.

You probably can set up spyware with her knowledge on her cell phone so all messages are forwarded to you. Also gps on the car with her knowledge. These things show willingness to help you heal and also show that she believes she has nothing to hide. If she wants the same from you, you should reciprocate. She might be suspicious of you cheating on her. There should be no secrets or hiding between you.

How fast you start to heal from this is entirely up to how quickly she makes you start to feel that she is once again a loyal partner who is 100% on your side.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It also would help is she told you the truth about the affair. Unless you see an email or some other type of evidence that it really was only "just one time," I would find that hard to believe.

Half the posters on this board caught their cheater after "just one time." Coincidentally, they only had evidence of one time. When they find evidence of the second time, then it becomes, "oh yeah, now I remember, there was one other time, so it was just two times."

What I'm trying to say is that she should come clean with the truth before you start trying to reconcile in earnest. Finding out more details that she lied about later will kill your reconciliation. It's the lying afterwards that dooms most reconciliations, not the cheating itself. What they call the "trickle truth."


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

TS,

I'm just wondering why she seems unhappy about you moving back in... Is there something she is holding back? If she's not all in for the marriage, R is not going to be successful. There has to be complete honesty and transparency.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> TS,
> 
> I'm just wondering why she seems unhappy about you moving back in... Is there something she is holding back? If she's not all in for the marriage, R is not going to be successful. There has to be complete honesty and transparency.


I took it that the OP's WW was unhappy about having to wait till the end of the month, and wanted him to move back in now.

I hadn't looked at it in the way you suggest, if that is the case then I agree, something not right here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What are her reasons and answers?


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Good luck, man. I'm in R with my ww, feeling and thinking a lot of what you described above. Is it easy? No, hell no. Is it worth it? Get used to asking yourself that question a lot, if you're anything like me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol I’m asking I myself that question every hour so far the answer always comes up yes but then again we have truly stared to R yet. We still have a long road ahead of us just to get us where we were to begin worth then to fix the problems.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> I took it that the OP's WW was unhappy about having to wait till the end of the month, and wanted him to move back in now.
> 
> I hadn't looked at it in the way you suggest, if that is the case then I agree, something not right here.


This is what meant. She wants me to move back in I just not ready for all that but I will move in before the end of the month


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> If she used an email to communicate with her toxic friends and the other man, she should delete it. She should share an email with you, the both of you can use the same email account, and there should be no other email account, unless you need a separate one for your business.
> 
> Likewise, facebook and all social media accounts should be deleted. They are not necessities. She can open new social media accounts when you start to feel comfortable and after your trust is somewhat restored.
> 
> ...


I don’t want her to delete any yet. I want to big in her emails a little deeper tonight and see if I can find anything else same goes for her twitter, Facebook and instagram. After that then I will ask her to delete them. 

I’m not letting any counselor tell me do something I don’t feel comfortable doing. She will have to earn my trust back which might not be as easy as it sounds and like you said the only thing she has proven is to be untrustworthy.

Wouldn’t it be better to set up spyware and GPS etc. Without her knowing


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> It also would help is she told you the truth about the affair. Unless you see an email or some other type of evidence that it really was only "just one time," I would find that hard to believe.
> 
> Half the posters on this board caught their cheater after "just one time." Coincidentally, they only had evidence of one time. When they find evidence of the second time, then it becomes, "oh yeah, now I remember, there was one other time, so it was just two times."
> 
> What I'm trying to say is that she should come clean with the truth before you start trying to reconcile in earnest. Finding out more details that she lied about later will kill your reconciliation. It's the lying afterwards that dooms most reconciliations, not the cheating itself. What they call the "trickle truth."



I know I don’t really believe it was just one time but she sticking to her story. I also find it hard to believe and according to her the friendship stared in the fall semester. As of right now I will believe her but the first site of her lying then R is over and we will go back to plan A which is me doing what I was going and getting a divorce.

It’s all on her now and I told her this if I find anymore lies then it’s over no questions. So if she hiding anything then she better come clean or make sure that she can keep in the dark because like said she only has one chance and this is it


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

On your side of things 1rst Step:
Call the multitude of FWBs and end it with them. Then commit to stay NC with them.
Remember, you are not your brother.

ETA
At a certain point you must decice if you bro/bussines partner is a "friend of the marriage". if he doesn't support your attemp of R of tries to drag you to the single promiscuous life you will need to put some boundaires with him.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I feel sad reading this thread.

I think because it makes me think of my situation. 

You want to believe. You really want to believe. Yet from what you have posted and the over riding feeling I am getting here you probably don't have much reason to believe. Of course I don't know your situation like you do so I could be way off.

It seems to me like you are grasping at straws. I only can say that because I am there too.

Stay strong and best of luck.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> Wouldn’t it be better to set up spyware and GPS etc. Without her knowing


Yes, it's better to set up these things without her knowledge, if you can pull it off without her finding out. Voice-activated recorder is good, too. Spyware can be tricky to hide if you're not familiar with the features and how they show on the device. Email forwarding I think is hard to hide from the person whose email you are having forwarded to yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TonyStark said:


> This is what meant. She wants me to move back in I just not ready for all that but I will move in before the end of the month


 Why? 

She'll have more reason to bust her butt on R if you don't just cave and move back in right away. Make her earn you back.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Don't the details get to you, man? I couldn't even ask about them till a few weeks later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> On your side of things 1rst Step:
> Call the multitude of FWBs and end it with them. Then commit to stay NC with them.
> Remember, you are not your brother.
> 
> ...



I already stopped playing around and deleted all means of contact I had with them so are good there. 

I already had boundaries with my brother way before this even happened I never went with my brother to clubs or bars. We do go to a few sport bars from time to time. So I won’t be messing around anymore it was fun while it lasted and I’m probably going to miss the sex but my family is more important to me than that. I talked to my brother about this last night and he told if I think I could be happy with her then go for it but proceed with caution so he ok with it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> I already stopped playing around and deleted all means of contact I had with them so are good there.
> 
> I already had boundaries with my brother way before this even happened I never went with my brother to clubs or bars. We do go to a few sport bars from time to time. So I won’t be messing around anymore it was fun while it lasted and I’m probably going to miss the sex but my family is more important to me than that. I talked to my brother about this last night and he told if I think I could be happy with her then go for it but proceed with caution so he ok with it.


Thanks for answering this.
I think it's great he's in the same team.
From the actions your wife has been taking on her own I believe you have a good chance to rebuild this marriage, at least better than most.
Even her dissapointment after you decided to delay the coming back sounds... promising?
Maybe you can lurk for a while in the reconciliation thread even if it's jut because it will help you to get the right frame of mind.
Keep us updated.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> I feel sad reading this thread.
> 
> I think because it makes me think of my situation.
> 
> ...



I guess you’re in that I want to believe her but what she telling that happened seems very unlike and there’s more to her story. All I can do is just give it a shot and hope is telling the true because if I find out more then she has told me then we will be getting a divorce I don’t that but if she still lying what options do I have but to file and move on


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Piece of advice, purchase two copies of Not Just friends, by Shirley Glass. One for you, the other for your wife.
There's another book I've not read but people I respect recomend: I believe it's name is "After her affair", look for any post of the TAMer SomedayDig, he has it in his signature.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Thanks for answering this.
> I think it's great he's in the same team.
> From the actions your wife has been taking on her own I believe you have a good chance to rebuild this marriage, at least better than most.
> Even her dissapointment after you decided to delay the coming back sounds... promising?
> ...


The main reason I believe she wants me back is because she thinks I’m probably going to continue seeing other women which isn’t going to happen. 

I actually have been reading reconciliation a lot lately one of the main reasons I decide to give us a shot was that thread I haven’t posted on it I might in the future


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why?
> 
> She'll have more reason to bust her butt on R if you don't just cave and move back in right away. Make her earn you back.


I’m just not ready to move in yet. I have to get my head on straight and I have to figure out my finances out. I do I keep her in the dark still or go back to the way we were


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TonyStark said:


> The main reason I believe she wants me back is because she thinks I’m probably going to continue seeing other women which isn’t going to happen.


No doubt she can't stop thinking about it and want to watch your commitment with her own eyes.
Lets wait how she takes the new tricks you learned since DDay!

I don't know when you started dating after you moved out but lets concede she's probably wishing to the R to start ASAP, her actions last months speak for her. It's what she has been hoping, praying since the very beggining and when you first expressed your willingness to give the marriage a shot she obviously believed you would be back home that very day.

Search Rookie4's threads, in chronological order if you have the time. His story has some similarities with yours, from your reaction to hers.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> No doubt she can't stop thinking about it and want to watch your commitment with her own eyes.
> Lets wait how she takes the new tricks you learned since DDay!
> 
> I don't know when you started dating after you moved out but lets concede she's probably wishing to the R to start ASAP, her actions last months speak for her. It's what she has been hoping, praying since the very beggining and when you first expressed your willingness to give the marriage a shot she obviously believed you would be back home that very day.
> ...


Actually the sex in your marriage has always been a problem my wife is just boring in bed. Hopeful we can fix that problem later on 

She was very distraught when she found out which was about few week after I left. She came to my brother begging me to come home and she was sorry and she loved. She waited for about an hour outside till I let her in and give her the whole we are done talk. I even told her she should go talk to her boyfriend. She just stared crying even harder my brother end up taking her home. Looking back now I feel kind bad for the way I treated her for those first few weeks I went out of my way to get with girls that knew her no some level just to hurt her. She probably has little to no trust in me either. I did tell her I would to her next counseling so maybe we can get some our feelings in the open. We just have to wait and see I guess 


Will start to read Rookie4's threads


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TonyStark said:


> Looking back now I feel kind bad for the way I treated her for those first few weeks I went out of my way to get with girls that knew her no some level just to hurt her.


Don't.

(I assume) it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't set up the situation in the first place.

Such shock is usually the ONLY way to get a wayward to wake up to what they have done to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When you said that if you reconciled you would 'miss the sex,' I assumed that was a male comment about having the variety of the single life. Now, though, you say that she is boring in bed, so it sounds like you will miss the actual quality of sex as well.

If this was a problem in your marriage and she cheated, I would definitely insist that she work with you to improve your sex life.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> When you said that if you reconciled you would 'miss the sex,' I assumed that was a male comment about having the variety of the single life. Now, though, you say that she is boring in bed, so it sounds like you will miss the actual quality of sex as well.
> 
> If this was a problem in your marriage and she cheated, I would definitely insist that she work with you to improve your sex life.



I’m going to miss the amount of sex too but your right I wil lmiss the quality of sex too I had. I don’t want to put the complete blame on my wife since I never really pushed for more wild and kinky. Even though the sex isn’t great at least I was getting some and she never withheld sex from me she also been willing so it’s not that bad. I will try to work it out with her later down the road but right now it’s not one of the top priorities


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And eventualy it will be necesary also be humble enough to realize you also have room to improve and make some changes. So don't take any blame on her poor decision but accept you surely could be a better version of yourself as a husband. It's going to be hard to hear her complains but it's what it is.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

Just a quick update and a question.

Me and my wife are doing ok we are talking a lot more we have our first counseling session later today still don’t know how I feel about counseling never been to big on counseling so we will see how that goes. We have started to do more as a family. I’m still living with my brother I’m going to move out at the end of the month 

So the question is about a postnuptial agreement. I told my lawyer who also a good friend early this week that I wasn’t going to go through with the divorce. We talked it over the phone and he said he wanted to talk to me in person before I did anything. We met up at a bar and he stared taking about getting a postnuptial and everything that goes with it. I kind of like the idea but I do I get my wife to go along with it. A pert me feel it’s a great idea but then it just goes to show I don’t really trust her at all which I don’t. so I guess I’m asking is a postnuptial a good idea or should I just forget it


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

It's a fabulous idea. It accomplishes three goals: (i) it insulates you in the event you decide to pull the plug; (ii) it imposes a consequence on your wife; and (iii) it provides your wife an additional incentive to remain faithful.

Absolutely do it. Talk to your friend about what is enforceable. You may need to hire a lawyer to represent your wife in the process if you want to make the thing stick.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why should you trust her? Why should she EXPECT you to trust her?

Tell her you want the postnup signed or you aren't moving back in.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

BK23 said:


> It's a fabulous idea. It accomplishes three goals: (i) it insulates you in the event you decide to pull the plug; (ii) it imposes a consequence on your wife; and (iii) it provides your wife an additional incentive to remain faithful.
> 
> Absolutely do it. Talk to your friend about what is enforceable. You may need to hire a lawyer to represent your wife in the process if you want to make the thing stick.


I’m still thinking about it but I’m leading towards getting one. I never thought about the things you mentioned. I was thinking more on the financial side. I still have to talk to her about it and see if she ok with getting one. 

I will to talk to my friend more about it. This will probably be tomorrow.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why should you trust her? Why should she EXPECT you to trust her?
> 
> Tell her you want the postnup signed or you aren't moving back in.


I could do like this. The own problem is that’s almost forcing her to do something she might not want it would be better if she was more willing and open about. I never have been one to give ultimatums.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

So I and my wife had our first counseling session. It wasn’t really couples counseling it was mostly about her. We did talk a little about us in the end. She was shocked to see me she didn’t think I would ever consider R has an option given all she has heard about. I guess it was good she also believed living a part for a few week could be good but she also expressed the fact we need to do something together nothing crazy but something we both agreed we haven’t set up any plans yet so we will see what happened on the front . I also set a counseling session for myself with my wife’s counselor husband they both work together. 

Thanks for listing. It’s actually a good way to let things out and reflect on it. It’s pretty fun I never liked reading or even writing. I don’t think ever read a book that I actually didn’t have to. I can’t even remember the last the last time a read a book.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad it's helping. As for ultimatum, it's not that. It's your boundary. Your boundary is that you won't stay with her unless you have a postnup, out of self-protection on the basis of her ACTIONS. Your consequence is that you remove yourself from her vicinity if she doesn't want to do it. 

It is 100% up to her if she wants to do it or not. If she chooses not to, you shrug your shoulders, and move on. Her choice.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Glad it's helping. As for ultimatum, it's not that. It's your boundary. Your boundary is that you won't stay with her unless you have a postnup, out of self-protection on the basis of her ACTIONS. Your consequence is that you remove yourself from her vicinity if she doesn't want to do it.
> 
> It is 100% up to her if she wants to do it or not. If she chooses not to, you shrug your shoulders, and move on. Her choice.


Yeah after thinking about and asking my father and brother about the idea of getting a post nuptial. I decide to get one mostly because my father like the rest of you brought up a very good point if my wife really wanted this to work she should be willing to do anything I ask with in good reason. My meeting my friend later today and I’m going to ask him to write up post nuptial.


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## TonyStark (Jul 4, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Best of Luck on the R. I think you have a tough road ahead. I wish you success.



I can see this is going to be very tough and long road for both of us. We have a lot of problems we need to work on trust issue and communicating and other problems but then again nothing good comes easy right


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

two to five years sir.

You will NEVER trust her 100% but you will get to 80%
IT will be a new relationship, not the old one.
IT IS possible to have a good marriage. The Guy is happy and look what his wife did!


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