# Confused and don’t know what I’m feeling… looking for advice..



## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Hi I’m new here and this is my first post.. 
I’ve been with my husband 15 years and married 5.. we have a son together.. I’ve been feeling quite resentful for some time.. and don’t know if I’m just annoyed with a lot of things that haven’t changed or if I’m falling out of love with him… he’s lazy, he doesn’t like to do things with us as a family I normally have to pester him to do something with us if it’s something he doesn’t want to do we don’t end up doing it.. we argue a fair bit usually about sex and if I’m not in the mood he gets the hump.. he spends more time at work then he does at home and when he’s home he’s sat in front of the tv usually half asleep… I have had numerous thoughts about what my life would be like on my own… n often have a trapped feeling coz I just don’t want to upset my son or him coz I know he does love me.. but I’m worried I’m staying in this relationship for the wrong reasons.. we do have good days and then I question am I just being silly.. but the older I get the more I just feel like I don’t want be unhappy 90% of the time.. we have had numerous conversations and arguments and I’ve asked him to go to MC with me but he just laughs it off.. he knows I’m at breaking point and nothing ever changes. How do you know when your done? Like fully done? I feel in such a limbo right now 😰


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

What could he do more of that would make you happy? Or are you just done?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

The inevitable slump of marriage because each get comfortable in ignore mod. You both need to start appreciating and putting each other first. Make date nights, etc. You husband needs to step up his game. You need to talk to him about it.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> What could he do more of that would make you happy? Or are you just done?


Be present, get off his bum sometimes, help around the house, ask me how my day was, cool a dinner for a change he probably hasn’t touched the oven in about 10 years! I just want to feel more then just a maid to him. I really don’t know if I’m done.. that’s the hard thing.. I just do not know how I feel.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> The inevitable slump of marriage because each get comfortable in ignore mod. You both need to start appreciating and putting each other first. Make date nights, etc. You husband needs to step up his game. You need to talk to him about it.


Yes see this is what I have read about where you hit a road block, get too comfortable etc,
I have tried sooo many times to talk to him and it just goes in through one ear and out the other.. or it gets turned on me as if I’m being selfish.. he will stay up all night and then be off work the next day so I may wake him up around 11/12 with breakfast and suggest something to do and 9/10 I get moaned at for it… it’s like he wants a wife and a family for the benefits he gets for having this life but doesn’t want any of the responsibilities..


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You may be at a point where you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.... kind of a forced fork in the road.

Tell him you are leaving unless x, y, and z happen..... like counseling, treating you with respect, and doing his share.

He will either call your bluff or will agree to work on it.... at least you'll know his true feelings.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

re16 said:


> You may be at a point where you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.... kind of a forced fork in the road.
> 
> Tell him you are leaving unless x, y, and z happen..... like counseling, treating you with respect, and doing his share.
> 
> He will either call your bluff or will agree to work on it.... at least you'll know his true feelings.


yes you could be right here.. I will have to try this it’s got to be worth a try hasnt it? I feel like
I’ve tried everything else!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Emma_G31 said:


> yes you could be right here.. I will have to try this it’s got to be worth a try hasnt it? I feel like
> I’ve tried everything else!


Stay calm and don't engage in any bs arguments. Take the high road, he can either join you or not.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Emma_G31 said:


> yes you could be right here.. I will have to try this it’s got to be worth a try hasnt it? I feel like
> I’ve tried everything else!


Shoot it straight. My ex use to say stuff like 'I'm not happy' or something to that effect and I had no idea if it was me or her or if she needed some depression meds. Apparently I guess she just needed some side ****. But whatever the case, don't skirt around, men don't like inferring ('I thought you knew what I meant'). We suck at women speak..


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

re16 said:


> Stay calm and don't engage in any bs arguments. Take the high road, he can either join you or not.


Yes I am exhausted with it now I often just put up and shut up to avoid an argument and that’s part of what is getting to me how much longer do I put up with it to keep making sure he’s happy


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Shoot it straight. My ex use to say stuff like 'I'm not happy' or something to that effect and I had no idea if it was me or her or if she needed some depression meds. Apparently I guess she just needed some side ****. But whatever the case, don't skirt around, men don't like inferring ('I thought you knew what I meant'). We suck at women speak..


I try to be straight up but I’ll keep that in mind. Sorry to hear of the issues you faced. A lot of our arguements are around sex too.. for me (and a lot of women not all but a lot) it’s an emotional thing and when things arent great between us or he’s been spectacular twat in a day I don’t actually feel like it.. he says we don’t have sex enough as it is.. which is on avarage maybe 2-3 times a week.. he works alot of late shifts and is out 2-3 times a week in the evenings playing football.. he reckons the entire world is having more sex then us.. but I don’t think so.. what would you say is avarage? N is it normal for a man to be super pissed off if sex doesn’t happen? Just trying to get another perspective.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Emma_G31 said:


> I try to be straight up but I’ll keep that in mind. Sorry to hear of the issues you faced. A lot of our arguements are around sex too.. for me (and a lot of women not all but a lot) it’s an emotional thing and when things arent great between us or he’s been spectacular twat in a day I don’t actually feel like it.. he says we don’t have sex enough as it is.. which is on avarage maybe 2-3 times a week.. he works alot of late shifts and is out 2-3 times a week in the evenings playing football.. he reckons the entire world is having more sex then us.. but I don’t think so.. what would you say is avarage? N is it normal for a man to be super pissed off if sex doesn’t happen? Just trying to get another perspective.


2-3 times a weeks is probably well above average for most married couples. Some members on here are lucky to see 2-3 times a year. It's a constant topic on here it seems.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Write a list of how you expect him to participate as your spouse.
Sit him down and calmly tell him what’s on the list. Aak him point blank if he is willing to do the items on the list long term - in order to stay married.
If he hesitates - you have your answer.
If he doesn’t perform you have your answer.

And don’t create a list that’s accusatory… simply state what you need from him.

If he doesn’t participate in a way that makes you feel you are in a loving home life - then end it knowing he didn’t intend to participate in a level that is kind and loving.

Why are you bringing him breakfast? Noon? He can get up and fix his own meal. 

Maybe designated two nights a week that he cooks! He should be willing to share responsibilities… do you work outside the home? Do you go out for fun once a week?


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Write a list of how you expect him to participate as your spouse.
> Sit him down and calmly tell him what’s on the list. Aak him point blank if he is willing to do the items on the list long term - in order to stay married.
> If he hesitates - you have your answer.
> If he doesn’t perform you have your answer.
> ...


I bring him breakfast most mornings.. well afternoons if I want him to wake up.. if I didn’t he would honestly sleep the entire day away.. or wake up in the evening and ask me why I didn’t wake him… if he has an evening shift he will sleep most of the day before work.. n no I don’t do anything else very rarely do I meet up with friends or do anything my family have moved quite a while away from the area so once in a blue moon I’ll go to visit stay over the night but he doesn’t come I take tne children with me I have a son with him and a daughter from a previous partner. The list Is a good idea! I do find when you right things down it tends to work better hopefully it works.. I am at the end of my tether tbh..


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> 2-3 times a weeks is probably well above average for most married couples. Some members on here are lucky to see 2-3 times a year. It's a constant topic on here it seems.


Ok so I’m not going crazy then coz this is what I say but he says coz he would have sex everyday that I should make more of an effort..


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you work? Do you earn enough money to support yourself? 
How old are your kids?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You say he works a lot and sometimes works night shifts, is he the sole provider? How old are the kids and also how old are you guys?
Are you both in decent shape or have either of you let yourselves go?

Sex 2 to 3 times a week is average. I’ve been with my wife for almost 35 years and after raising our 4 kids, we still have sex about 3 times a week. I, like your husband would want it way more but I’ve come to accept that my wife’s drive is not at my level.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Personally this scene would leave me feeling like the hired help. 
He sleeps until noon and you make him breakfast. You have sex 2-3 times a week and he still complains. He doesn’t do things around the house to help you and he doesn’t cook.

Sheez, if he pie support money your life would likely be easier if you were on your own.

He gets a maid, chef, housekeeper and sex. And he makes no effort for you… do I have that right?


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Do you work? Do you earn enough money to support yourself?
> How old are your kids?


Yes I work.. yes I can support kids solely.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Personally this scene would leave me feeling like the hired help.
> He sleeps until noon and you make him breakfast. You have sex 2-3 times a week and he still complains. He doesn’t do things around the house to help you and he doesn’t cook.
> 
> Sheez, if he pie support money your life would likely be easier if you were on your own.
> ...


yes you basically have it in one.. hence why I’m questioning my whole life right now.. and feel like i would just be happier on my own! Though I’ve never really been on my own except when I was younger.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You say he works a lot and sometimes works night shifts, is he the sole provider? How old are the kids and also how old are you guys?
> Are you both in decent shape or have either of you let yourselves go?
> 
> Sex 2 to 3 times a week is average. I’ve been with my wife for almost 35 years and after raising our 4 kids, we still have sex about 3 times a week. I, like your husband would want it way more but I’ve come to accept that my wife’s drive is not at my level.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He has no reason to change this arrangement. If you aren’t happy then divorce him.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I see you like the list idea. 

Here's a quick question: What if instead of replying to your list directly, he writes a similar list out for you? How receptive would you be to it? What items do you think might be on it?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think a mistake I've made before is thinking too much about a relationship. Take all that energy you've spent worrying about it and use it for yourself. A hobby, a side gig, volunteer work, fitness. Whatever. Put that energy into yourself for 2 months, then see where you are. You'll either feel too awesome to care about his whining, or he'll wise up and start upping his game too. You can't go wrong, because stressing about problems never solves them. And if it's clear at some point that you're done, well now you've made steps to getting your own life back, so it's win/win.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

sounds like you have the makings of a walkaway spouse. Better talk to him now and lay down a serious ultimatum. He doesn't think you're serious so he won't change his ways.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wouldn’t give threats or ultimatums, and I would stop asking him to do stuff together as a family.

At the moment, he’s really just living in a hotel. With a few humans around.

But what happens if the maid and kids leave him in bed to sleep in and just go to the park? And come home happy because they had a great time, and they’re in a good mood and talking about the fun they had?

What happens when the maid leaves dinner, but he has to eat alone because the maid is going to see her sister for a few hours? The maid comes happy and refreshed.

You’ve tried everything and the only person losing their mind and feeling unhappy is you?

Try this? Since you are effectively living alone, and he seems to be enjoying living alone, why don’t you start doing things alone? This not done to spite him, it’s to make you happier, and also, to effectively give him what he wants - time alone.

But that time alone at home lazing around, will get very tiring when there’s… silence.

Stop doing everything you’ve done so far. You might have a messy house here and there because you won’t be around to clean up dishes when he’s eating alone. But make a point of being out of the house as much as you can, enjoying your life! Give it a month, I’m sure you will feel better, and he might then see a happy family and start feeling curious and ASK to come along. Make sure you’re out for hours, not just ducking out. Really give the kids and you a good time so that your mood is lifted and refreshed. Meet up with other mothers and families, and if they ask where he is, don’t say much or complain, a simple explanation will do.


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

northernlights said:


> I think a mistake I've made before is thinking too much about a relationship. Take all that energy you've spent worrying about it and use it for yourself. A hobby, a side gig, volunteer work, fitness. Whatever. Put that energy into yourself for 2 months, then see where you are. You'll either feel too awesome to care about his whining, or he'll wise up and start upping his game too. You can't go wrong, because stressing about problems never solves them. And if it's clear at some point that you're done, well now you've made steps to getting your own life back, so it's win/win.


Thank you! I like this idea! I definitely need something for myself 100%


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## Emma_G31 (Aug 7, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I wouldn’t give threats or ultimatums, and I would stop asking him to do stuff together as a family.
> 
> At the moment, he’s really just living in a hotel. With a few humans around.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I’m definitely going to get myself out and about more. I did a similar thing to what you have suggested yesterday… after the children had lunch I decided to get them ready and take them to the park.. I simply just said to him whilst he was laying on the sofa “I’m going to the park with the kids are you coming?” He looked at me.. moaned and said “which park? It’s too hot!” I said “that’s fine we are still going” and off I went to get the things I needed to take with me and ready to leave n then reluctantly he got up without me saying a word and got himself ready and followed us out the door.. it’s this teenage lazy arse attitude tnat I can not stand.. you can clearly see it was an effort for him and the only reason he came was probably because I had asked and he didn’t want to look bad.. but if it’s that much of a chore for him to spend time with us then I’d rather he didnt.. but I’m going to try this and just make my own plans that do not involve him more often and see how it goes.. I did today I took the children shoe shopping and for some lunch and didn’t ask him to come.. nothing.. but he had absolutely nothing to say to me about it when we got back the children went to show off their new shoes to him whilst he was still in bed and that was it.. he was probably glad he got out of going to be honest! 🙄


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Good work! Next time instead of asking are you coming, just tell him where you and the kids are going and go. I would stop the invitations altogether for a time.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Nice!! 

I was reading your post again, and I wonder if your husband's shift work is a problem too. I have read articles about it affecting sleep and therefore contributing to all kinds of negative health consequences. I'm sure depression is higher in shift work. Maybe at some point his GP will evaluate for depression.

I'm working on the same approach by the way. I've been trying to exercise at least 5 days a week... I'm spotty about it but it's hard to sustain a change, so I'm keeping at it! I know when I can run three miles in half an hour, I feel good about myself, so that's my goal. Not even close yet 🙂


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