# how to gain my wifes trust back?



## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

how do i gain my wifes trust back? she cants see past what i did. 

i lent money to my brother and did not tell her before we bought a house- eventhough we have seperate acoounts. it was a bad mistake on my end.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You have to show her you can be trusted. She needs to be able to see that you understand what you did that was wrong/inappropriate and that you understand why it was wrong/inappropriate, and that you are truly remorseful that you did it. While saying the words that indicate all that is nice, once you've done something to destroy and/or damage trust, words tend to lose any meaning. Actions are then needed to prove those things. 

Having separate accounts makes it a bit more difficult to prove to her that you won't do it again, but it can still be done. Discuss financial decisions with her, even if they aren't that big a deal. I'm not saying every pack of gum, but she needs to see that you are trying to be open and show her that you won't make the same mistake again, and by discussing these things with her, she'll be able to see that. 

I do have to wonder, though...was it a large amount of money? If not, why was she so upset?


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## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you for the advice. She is moving out tommorow because i cant seem to change her mind. 

it was a fair amount of money. i agree- maybe going forward, i will get her advise on finances from her to make her feel involved.


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## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

anyone else have any ideas?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Not really - sorry. I would try to talk to her more, get into counseling. You do have separate accounts so it sounds like you each take care of your own income/expenses. 
Is she open to having a joint bank account? I really can't see the big deal, especially if money is not tight for you guys. ASk her what she would have done if it was her sister.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Did you lend the money to your brother or did you give the money to him?

For my brothers whenever I give money to them I treat it as a 1 way transaction no matter the amount. If they pay me back (which hardly happens) then it's all good, if they don't pay me back then oh well.

If your brother is gonna pay it back for sure then you should be able to talk it out and work through it. But if he's borrowed money before and never paid it back then maybe your wife knows his track record and is upset with you giving money to your brother when it might not get paid back.

You and I both know family is family and sometimes that's what just happens, but when you've got a wife or husband in the picture things aren't so clear and you're thinking this is family so she won't mind.

Just like we paid for my brother's car so he can keep it. Everytime him and his wife make some money my wife always harps on me to go ask for the money back and I make a half hearted attempt knowing it's not gonna happen. And yes I'm pissed that he'll blow $300-500 taking out friends for a good time or $600 for a fishing trip paying for other people but in the end he's still my brother. I don't have to like what he does but he's blood and I was brought up that way.

Now I'm not gonna lie that I was tempted to cut his payroll check (family business and I do payroll) and just tell him to kiss you know where but the family side takes over. Yes my wife still gives me flack once in a while. And no, I won't be bailing him out anymore unless it's a life threatening situation. Time for little brother to start growing up.


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## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

she claims she would'nt have helped her sister like i healped my brother. It was a difference in upbringing i think. It sad because we are getting a long so well now- but she cant see past this to get back together. I have a 5 year old daughter which I am thinking about here as well- but it seems i am the only one thinking about this- so its tough. ill continue with the communication and hope things work out.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MIKE2810 said:


> how do i gain my wifes trust back? she cants see past what i did.
> 
> i lent money to my brother and did not tell her before we bought a house- eventhough we have seperate acoounts. it was a bad mistake on my end.


Mike,

My wife and I have a policy when lending money to our friends and relatives. Anything under $200 does not need to be discussed. Anything over that needs to be discussed. This has served us well. And I don't have a problem telling a borrower, "Man, let me get back to you", calling a person back and saying that I can't do it (depending upon my wife's logic). And, my wife does the same. You might want to consider installing a policy like this. However, the main thing that you need to do is run things by her. Even if you say, "My brother needs to borrow blank dollars. He said that he'd pay it back on blank."
She may not like it that you are going to let him borrow it. But it's better than her being left in the dark.


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## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

any other advise? im still trying to work on this realationship.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Sounds like there may be underlying issues or this may have happened way too many times for your wife to want to up and leave. Like everyone is saying, you need to communicate. However, I don't know if a sit down is possible right now. If it is, then maybe you can sit with her and have her really go through and get down to ALL the things that are bothering her. It just seems odd that this would be the cause of her willing to leave and possibly separate or divorce unless there is more to it than just lending money. 
Things that would affect her are probably - 1. The amt. 2. How it was used 3. Is this an ongoing issue 4. How close were you to purchasing a home? 5. Has this happened before, where you were almost going to buy something large like a house or car and you lent money out?

There really are so many aspects that could be going on. The only advice anyone can give is to keep trying to communicate with your wife, in a non agressive/threatening/angry manner. Or maybe even let her simmer down a bit before you contact her (which may be harder to do because Im sure you want to see your daughter). 
Good luck, I hope things turn out for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MIKE2810 (Feb 9, 2011)

Her issue is the fact that i did not tell her about it before we purchased and moved into the new home. The amount was mid range- it was the principle she states. i agree with her now and have apoligized numerous times. at the time- i looked at it that we both had seperate acounts and did not share our info. 

im just looking to make things right as i know i messed up.


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