# Help me get us back on track



## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way. wanting to e with her still I stayed even with me sexual needs not fully met I was happy to be with her still even if we kind of pencilled in her calendar when we did stuff and a lot of times it changed due to her being tired or some other reason that wasn't mentioned until we got into bed (sex/blow jobs anything was now only done in bedroom).
so jumping ahead until last year our son is now 7 years old and we finally tied the knot best day of my life. our sex life had still gone down hill more then what it was before we had our son, I had bought toys and outfits of all kinds to try get the spark back and I have tried talking about it to my wife but sadly nothing comes of it other then talk turns to heated debate and then silence to her promising to try do more to meet my needs that am happy with while they last the whole week and back to nothing.
so I tried being romantic for her but she barely kisses me at all and I am not aloud to touch her, the past week I didn't fall asleep as fast as I normally do ( in 10 minutes btw) as we was ment to have sex but she changed her mind when we got into bed and she hasn't mentioned anything to me all day, while I was going the whole day being excited about tonight then getting into bed and then she does this to me. so I was laying there unable to sleep. I thought my wife was asleep and I would fall asleep soon but then I heard what sounded like my wife heaving breathing and slowly rocking her hips and then I heard what sounded like a vibrator ( we have 2 that I use on her to get her in mood for sex when allowed) and am down there so I know the sound it was not one I got for us (she okayed them before I bought them btw) it was more like a small bullet one but I thought to myself she told me she was too tired to have sex she wouldn't then wait a hour for me to be sleep then masturbate.
as I keep hearing things from her breathing vibrations and more I lost my head and shoot up and freaking out, she was pretending to sleep while she masturbated next to me so as soon as I sat up she was awake and we will say it went badly me asking her if she was and why I asked and we left it there my head ****ed up and her being in mood with me for even thinking it.

days go by I now struggle sleeping and on a few nights I hear her few times and some of this nights are when we was gonna do stuff that she has changed her mind on, I have no idea what to do with myself or how I even approach her about it as the last time (only time) I have it went down like a lead balloon. I have seen on here and else where that women often masturbate when they need stress relive etc and stuff like that am fine with it but for me its the fact she lies about it and tell me we not doing anything for her reasons and then does it. am I not doing it right or am I just ****.
was it my fault she went to masturbating in bed and what did I do to make her not want me that way, how do I talk to her about it when she gets defensive.


so that is the gest of my situation and any ideas for helping me...

HELP


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mrdubstar24 said:


> so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way. wanting to e with her still I stayed even with me sexual needs not fully met I was happy to be with her still even if we kind of pencilled in her calendar when we did stuff and a lot of times it changed due to her being tired or some other reason that wasn't mentioned until we got into bed (sex/blow jobs anything was now only done in bedroom).
> 
> so jumping ahead until last year our son is now 7 years old and we finally tied the knot best day of my life. our sex life had still gone down hill more then what it was before we had our son, I had bought toys and outfits of all kinds to try get the spark back and I have tried talking about it to my wife but sadly nothing comes of it other then talk turns to heated debate and then silence to her promising to try do more to meet my needs that am happy with while they last the whole week and back to nothing.
> 
> ...


In order to get to the root of this, you are going to need a third party, a therapist or councilor. Someone who is not vested in either side, and can help the conversation stay on track. Part of the conversation might be what her issues are. Some harsh reality here, but it could be you. Not saying it is, but it is an avenue you need to explore. You could be doing things that makes sex uncomfortable or even painful to her, but she doesn't want to tell you for some reason. Or she may have a medical condition that makes PIV painful. There are lots of possible reasons. 

After exploring the reasons, then you have to determine what is needed to get both of your needs met. If you can't come to an agreement on that, then speration is a potential. You have to determine what you are willing to live with... and without.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> In order to get to the root of this, you are going to need a third party, a therapist or councilor. Someone who is not vested in either side, and can help the conversation stay on track. Part of the conversation might be what her issues are. Some harsh reality here, but it could be you. Not saying it is, but it is an avenue you need to explore. You could be doing things that makes sex uncomfortable or even painful to her, but she doesn't want to tell you for some reason. Or she may have a medical condition that makes PIV painful. There are lots of possible reasons.
> 
> After exploring the reasons, then you have to determine what is needed to get both of your needs met. If you can't come to an agreement on that, then speration is a potential. You have to determine what you are willing to live with... and without.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


hi thanks for your reply I am okay to seek help but not sure how to approach the issue with my wife and how she would react.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

After reading this story only two questions occur to me. 
Why on earth did you get married to her when you knew she didn’t want to have sex with you and also, why are you still sharing a bed with a woman who would masturbate beside you rather than have sex with you. 
One thing is for certain, your wife DOES want sex, she just doesn’t want it with you.


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> After reading this story only two questions occur to me.
> Why on earth did you get married to her when you knew she didn’t want to have sex with you and also, why are you still sharing a bed with a woman who would masturbate beside you rather than have sex with you.
> One thing is for certain, your wife DOES want sex, she just doesn’t want it with you.


well I love her to bits and I still do I just have came across a issue I dont know how to deal it hence being on here, and I dont know as I haven't seen her d anything believe she has good way of hiding herself when she does it and no way to prove or disprove that she is or isn't doing it in bed when am asleep. not being in same bed as her could destroy our marriage and if she's not done anything and am going mad and have lost the plot and its in my head and I will have lost the women I love the most.

and I love her so how can I knew if she wants sex if not with me ??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You already know that she doesn't want to have sex with you. You don't need to prove anything to anyone - she knows what she is doing and you know what she isn't doing.

Gather your courage and have a conversation wherein you lay out your questions and expectations. It won't get better on its own.


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You already know that she doesn't want to have sex with you. You don't need to prove anything to anyone - she knows what she is doing and you know what she isn't doing.
> 
> Gather your courage and have a conversation wherein you lay out your questions and expectations. It won't get better on its own.


I guess so yeah I will see if I can get the balls to do it then


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, at about two years in the NRE died and she stopped wanting sex with you. You decided to double down and marry her because love. You knew she didn't want to have sex with you before you married her, so why is this a problem now?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mrdubstar24 said:


> I guess so yeah I will see if I can get the balls to do it then


“Wife, it’s clear to me that you have a sex drive because I can hear you going at it with your vibrator often. Which is cool with me. What is not cool with me is the fact that you obviously don’t want to have sex with me and are choosing the vibrator instead. So I’m here to ask you what exactly is going on, and I want you to tell me. I’m going to shut up now and just listen.”

If she refuses to talk about it, then:

“Well, wife, I can only assume that you’re no longer attracted to me or want any kind of sexual/romantic relationship with me. Since you won’t talk about it, I guess our current relationship is kind of over. I guess we’re no longer monogamous, or we’re no longer married. Or, you know, we could try to figure out what’s going on here, but you’re going to have to talk to me about it.”


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Mrdubstar24 said:
> 
> 
> > I guess so yeah I will see if I can get the balls to do it then
> ...


Well that tells me cheers I post update after


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Mrdubstar24 said:


> I guess so yeah I will see if I can get the balls to do it then


The fact that you doubt that you have balls might be the very reason she is not wanting to have sex with you. Don't be so timid and afraid of her. That's a turnoff for sure. It's often said around here that you have to be willing to risk losing her to keep her. Tell her you're done with your sex life consisting of listening to her get off to a piece of plastic. Ask her outright what she wants from you in bed...then DO THAT and rock her world. If she won't talk to you about it, tell her that means your marriage must be over because a marriage is supposed to include sex. End.of.story.

ETA: If telling her outright how it is ends your marriage, you didn't have one to begin with and you just sped up the process of being able to heal and move on.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Mrdubstar24 said:


> so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way.


How many multi-year relationships did you have before her? The decline you went through is very common. At the beginning of the relationship your brain is producing a lot of feel-good chemicals that make everything fun and easy. It typically only lasts a year or so, and then things get back to normal. It's sometimes called New Relationship Energy. So the woman you know now is the real woman she is. The woman at the beginning was the woman who was under the effect of these chemicals.

In any case, the fact that she has sexual urges and takes steps to satisfy them is something you can work with. It's not good how's she's going about it, but the fact that she wants sexual satisfaction means there's a chance of redirecting that energy towards you instead of on her own.


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

wilson said:


> Mrdubstar24 said:
> 
> 
> > so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way.
> ...


Okay that's does make sense and sound like our sex life start was great then down hill and with that last part I don't know for sure if she does tho this my thing sounds like it and am sure she does but when asked she denies it


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mrdubstar24 said:


> so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way. wanting to e with her still I stayed even with me sexual needs not fully met I was happy to be with her still even if we kind of pencilled in her calendar when we did stuff and a lot of times it changed due to her being tired or some other reason that wasn't mentioned until we got into bed (sex/blow jobs anything was now only done in bedroom).
> so jumping ahead until last year our son is now 7 years old and we finally tied the knot best day of my life. our sex life had still gone down hill more then what it was before we had our son, I had bought toys and outfits of all kinds to try get the spark back and I have tried talking about it to my wife but sadly nothing comes of it other then talk turns to heated debate and then silence to her promising to try do more to meet my needs that am happy with while they last the whole week and back to nothing.
> so I tried being romantic for her but she barely kisses me at all and I am not aloud to touch her, the past week I didn't fall asleep as fast as I normally do ( in 10 minutes btw) as we was ment to have sex but she changed her mind when we got into bed and she hasn't mentioned anything to me all day, while I was going the whole day being excited about tonight then getting into bed and then she does this to me. so I was laying there unable to sleep. I thought my wife was asleep and I would fall asleep soon but then I heard what sounded like my wife heaving breathing and slowly rocking her hips and then I heard what sounded like a vibrator ( we have 2 that I use on her to get her in mood for sex when allowed) and am down there so I know the sound it was not one I got for us (she okayed them before I bought them btw) it was more like a small bullet one but I thought to myself she told me she was too tired to have sex she wouldn't then wait a hour for me to be sleep then masturbate.
> as I keep hearing things from her breathing vibrations and more I lost my head and shoot up and freaking out, she was pretending to sleep while she masturbated next to me so as soon as I sat up she was awake and we will say it went badly me asking her if she was and why I asked and we left it there my head ****ed up and her being in mood with me for even thinking it.
> ...


Quit hiding you disappointment from your wife. Let her know if things don't change your marriage and partnership may end. Ask her to tell you what is really going on. Ask her if she is still attracted to you, but you need to be prepared to move forward without her. Right now she has total control because you believe your only path to happiness is this women. That is not true.


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## Mrdubstar24 (Jan 18, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Mrdubstar24 said:
> 
> 
> > so I have being with my partner for 10 years, only being married 1 year. so at first our relationship was bliss and we got stronger together but around 2/3 years in our sex life was going down and down and not the good way. wanting to e with her still I stayed even with me sexual needs not fully met I was happy to be with her still even if we kind of pencilled in her calendar when we did stuff and a lot of times it changed due to her being tired or some other reason that wasn't mentioned until we got into bed (sex/blow jobs anything was now only done in bedroom).
> ...


Thanks for the advice you have a point


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