# It's been less than 3 weeks and he's dating again



## Is this real life?? (Jun 11, 2012)

We were together for 3 years and then poof - "I love you but I'm not in love with you." How is this possible? There are not two more compatible people on the planet. We were going through a rough patch - caught him lying and I was having a hard time getting back to trusting him. Still in the same house - I have no where to go and he won't move out. I am moving in 6 days. But we've been civil. Maybe because I'm in denial and am wishing for him to come to his senses. 

But he's started partying and not coming home. I don't even recognize him. He is absolutely nothing like the man I married. Here is the worst - he sent me at text that was meant for another woman:
"I have to go home and shower but then I would love to spend some time with you."

I was like WTF. He was all apologetic and claiming he's just being social. Right. Social is "Want to hang out later?", not "spend some time with you." I'm not an idiot.

But its KILLING me. I love him so much and I can't seem to let go that the next 50 years of our lives will never happen. I lost my everything, my best friend, my future. He has gone back to trying to be civil and whatever. But I'm dying inside. I want to talk to him and go out to the living room and watch TV with him but I'm staying here in the bedroom because I know that he is already sleeping with somebody else. I just can't even believe this is happening. 
Please help - why can't I hate him? He deserves it. why is this happening?!?!?!?!?


----------



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

You can't hate him b/c you're just not there yet. Plain and simple, you are still not seeing it clearly for what it is and won't until the time is right for you.

I spent months in your position. Until you really turn that corner, you won't see this for what it is. 

Please read everything you can here and keep posting. We've all been sitting there just like you are right now. 

It WILL get better. I know you can't believe it or see it now but it WILL!


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh honey, I really feel your pain. I am about ten weeks ahead of you. I too am having trouble letting go of the future I thought I'd have. But I can tell you that it will get easier, day by day...the more you read and post here, the easier it will get. It is therapeutic, and you need he support of people who are going through it. Stick with us and we will get you through! Sending hugs and prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Crane (Jun 4, 2012)

This is going to sound dumb but what the hell.

Know what helped me? "Mindfulness."

It's a Buddhist thing - Google it and just read about the idea of it. It's all about dismissing everything in your mind but the physical reality of the moment. It's about not being in the past, not being in the future. Just right there wherever you are. It seriously worked for me when I was boiling over with rage/grief/jealousy/stress/fear/every other emotion I rollercoastered through.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Oh honey, he's been having an affair for maybe 6 mo or longer. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" paired with that text is just further proof. Now you can cry, you can b!tch, you can scream all you want but it won't make him love you again. All those feelings are being directed towards a relationship with a liar and a false charade of how she would be better than you. 

No matter how he feels about her, this affair is not going to last. You can make sure of that if you go through every measure possible to 180 effectively and give him the divorce he thinks he wants. Don't argue with him, just push him away, and stop letting him come to you for any comfort or there-theres, that's her job now. Just think how attractive he will look complaining about his day to her. 

I really feel for you hon! I lost my wife of 3yrs to an affair with another man, a real loser at that. I will be more than happy to get you through this and give you give you advice as your story progresses. 

Oh, and don't confront him yet. You're nowhere near emotionally ready to talk to him about anything other than packing. Take three weeks to cry and throw daggers at his picture and then reconsider.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Seriously good info, read my threads as what not to do,I struggle daily but reading others posts,my own posts & posting when I'm alone,scared or just want to beg & plead for her. This site has saved my life & so many people suffering but so many care & will check on you daily


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We will help you get through this. Everyone here has been through similar things. WHen you just need to say something, to talk, we are here for you. We may not always tell you what you want to hear, but rather what you need to hear, but everythig is always said to help and support you, and get you through ok?


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Very similar to my separation. My wife of 17 years was on dating sites within 2 weeks of giving me the 'love but not in love spiel' That was 2 months ago. I can't say I am over it and I still have very dark days but I am nowhere near as consumed by emotions as the first couple of weeks. 

Take your focus off the past and also what the future could have been. By all means grieve the loss of your relationship and cry your eyes out (but not in front of him). Do the 180 as mentioned previously and no matter how down you are feeling always remain confident and strong when dealing with him. Make him feel you are ready to move on and cope with life without him.

Living in the same house is hell - I did that for 2 months whilst I waited for her to move out. It puts you in limbo but once you move out, the tension drops and you feel slightly better. Sure you will feel lonely but it is when your recovery can truly begin. Surround yourself with friends and family as well as posting here. You need as much support as you can get. Get to a counselor if need be too - they can help a great deal.

It is a long, tough road and I am by no means anywhere near recovery. You'll find a lot of support here from those at various stages.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Stbxw left early March, asked to come back a few days later (didn't like the living arrangements she had) .. I let her .. after 3 weeks of BS I flipped and told her to leave. 3 weeks after that, she went onto FB to switch her status from married to single.

So yeah, it's not uncommon.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I know how disrespectful it is to have them playing around with other women and the divorce ink is not even dry, or even penned yet!

My STBXH stayed out last night at some floozie's house, while I was left here yet again to comfort our confused and heartbroken little boy about why didn't daddy come home? My son thought he had abandoned him.

This is the same bimbo who, right after we got married 12 yrs ago, was sending him sleazy emails. I told him to put a stop to it, but she just found out he is "single" and she's on the hunt again. A real charmer she is, he told me in the past that she has slept with some of his friends, one while the guy was married. Nice gal. Real strong boundaries and ethics there.

I tell ya, there is nothing in heaven or earth that would allow that man to touch my body ever again..

I have nothing left to say to my STBXH. I went looking at apartments today because he is refusing to move out, so I will, ASAP.

I can't wait!


----------



## Is this real life?? (Jun 11, 2012)

I practiced 180 this evening. I was cheery and sweet all while I was dying inside. When he got home around 9, I was getting ready to "go out." and I did go out - and got a sandwich and ate it in my car in the middle of the Publix parking lot watching Master Chef on Hulu. 

I feel worse. I know 180 is supposed to help me start moving on and if it makes him want me again, then that's the silver lining but I am still so devastated. I still can't wrap my head around him dating another woman, doing the things that we used to do together. 

I am trying to read the boards and stay positive but it just hurts so bad. I started moving my stuff into a storage unit and could not stop bawling. Why is this happening? Why did he give up on us? I know that no one can answer my questions but dear goodness, if anyone has any words of hope or comfort, please help me.


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

The wounds are too fresh right now. You are unable to think about a future without him but that is exactly what you need to do because most likely he's not going to be in it. 

How long ago did the problems start? What are your contributions to the failing of your marriage? Right now I suggest you dont beg, plead for him to change his mind. Take the high road. The 180 is your shield and sword to fight this war. I love you but not in love with you. I heard it too and know how much it hurts. Like SD said it will get better. It was not meant to be. New doors will open for you. We here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Is this real life?? said:


> Why did he give up on us?


Most likely, he did it because he wanted to, simple as that. There is comfort in that though because, unless you're not posting some big bit of information, he's almost certainly not doing it because of any fault of yours. Some people get bored easily and aren't very good at sticking at things - even good things - and some people aren't very concerned about hurting other people or, more generously, don't necessarily realise the level of pain they're causing. Whatever's going through his head though, it isn't your fault, you didn't start this and you can't do a whole lot about it. You just have to try and get through it with your dignity intact and remember that there's light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a long way off right now.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Is this real life?? said:


> I practiced 180 this evening. I was cheery and sweet all while I was dying inside. When he got home around 9, I was getting ready to "go out." and I did go out - and got a sandwich and ate it in my car in the middle of the Publix parking lot watching Master Chef on Hulu.
> 
> I feel worse. I know 180 is supposed to help me start moving on and if it makes him want me again, then that's the silver lining but I am still so devastated. I still can't wrap my head around him dating another woman, doing the things that we used to do together.
> 
> I am trying to read the boards and stay positive but it just hurts so bad. I started moving my stuff into a storage unit and could not stop bawling. Why is this happening? Why did he give up on us? I know that no one can answer my questions but dear goodness, if anyone has any words of hope or comfort, please help me.


I think the fact that you started to try the 180 shows a lot about you and your character, but I really think for you it is too early. Everything is just too raw right now, and you have got to just let yourself hurt, as painful as it is, and I know it hurts...a lot. The feeling that your world has ended is just about unbearable.

You won't find any answers right now, and even if you do, you will not accept them. I think that you should give it a little time before you hit the 180 again because it really can work, and I think you will do a great job with it, but I don't want you to get discouraged if you do not see results right away, and I think it is just too early for you, and you are in too much pain.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's okay, honey. It hurts. It's going to hurt for a while. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. That means that you are human.

As the cliche says, the only way out is through. You have to go through this. Don't make it harder by thinking that you "shouldn't" hurt. Of course you should.


----------



## Is this real life?? (Jun 11, 2012)

I messed up. I knew he was out with a girl tonight and didn't expect him to come home and I was okay with that. but he did come home and I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut and asked him what he had done tonight. 
also, the room I am renting is available the 16th and now that the date is almost here, I'm terrified to move. then I will really never see him. then it is really over. I know that I need the reality check because he most likely EFFING ANOTHER WOMAN. I have to keep shouting that to myself. 
I'm sorry but this is the only place where I can get my thoughts out and feel like it actually might help.


----------



## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Hey ... don't apologize. Think of this as your safe haven. A place for you to vent and come for support. All this is normal. You fear the uncertainty of what is to come. Be brave. Don't put yourself down. Value yourself and do what you think is right. Often the right thing to do is the difficult thing to do. I'm going to file for divorce soon and have fear as well. I will be taken a significant hit financially, my son keeps asking me to come home, stupidly I still miss STBXW but know it's over and is time to move on. We are all in this together. Allow yourself to grieve. It's time to think about you and work on yourself. Study and implement the 180 as best you can.


----------



## ohsobless (Aug 8, 2011)

Is this real life?? said:


> I practiced 180 this evening. I was cheery and sweet all while I was dying inside. When he got home around 9, I was getting ready to "go out." and I did go out - and got a sandwich and ate it in my car in the middle of the Publix parking lot watching Master Chef on Hulu.
> 
> I feel worse. I know 180 is supposed to help me start moving on and if it makes him want me again, then that's the silver lining but I am still so devastated. I still can't wrap my head around him dating another woman, doing the things that we used to do together.
> 
> I am trying to read the boards and stay positive but it just hurts so bad. I started moving my stuff into a storage unit and could not stop bawling. Why is this happening? Why did he give up on us? I know that no one can answer my questions but dear goodness, if anyone has any words of hope or comfort, please help me.


You might not think so right now but he is going to MISS YOU! Oh sure it looks like he's really got things all figured out for himself. NO HE DOES NOT! I don't know you guys age, and maybe it doesn't matter. The one thing I will tell you is to keep yourself look good! Hair, make-up, clothes the whole nine yards. On the flip side of things...now read this carefully! There was something about that text or so-called text mistake that just doesn't feel right.

What I mean is how did he mistext and the text went to you? Is he playing games with you or what? Now I could ALL WRONG about this but somehow it just doesn't add up! But for now, you do what you feel you have to do...God knows it's not easy! If you have a really good, close friend or family member that doesn't mind you venting...get in contact with them! Surround yourself with really strong like minded women who have been there. Who can be there for you and make you laugh when you fell like crying! Who will say, "Hey, sounds like you need a vacation, how about a road trip!" Well you get the idea! This is not the time for you to be ALONE! But whatever you do don't fall in that trap of "an-eye-for-an-eye"! This will only make matters worst and complicate things for you!

You be the strong one, by keeping your slate CLEAN! Because none of us know where this will all end. Just in case things get worked out or even if they don't. You can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm a GOOD WOMAN AND I KNOW IT! IT WAS HIS LOSS NOT MIND!" One other thing...get to yourself and pray like you've never prayed in your life! Tell God, just how you feel, don't hold back...scream if you need to! Just make sure your neighbors don't hear! Besides, God already knows all about it before you even come to Him. He's just waiting for your call! I hope this helped! CHIN UP!


----------



## ohsobless (Aug 8, 2011)

ohsobless said:


> You might not think so right now but he is going to MISS YOU! Oh sure it looks like he's really got things all figured out for himself. NO HE DOES NOT! I don't know you guys age, and maybe it doesn't matter. The one thing I will tell you is to keep yourself look good! Hair, make-up, clothes the whole nine yards. On the flip side of things...now read this carefully! There was something about that text or so-called text mistake that just doesn't feel right.
> 
> What I mean is how did he mistext and the text went to you? Is he playing games with you or what? Now I could ALL WRONG about this but somehow it just doesn't add up! But for now, you do what you feel you have to do...God knows it's not easy! If you have a really good, close friend or family member that doesn't mind you venting...get in contact with them! Surround yourself with really strong like minded women who have been there. Who can be there for you and make you laugh when you fell like crying! Who will say, "Hey, sounds like you need a vacation, how about a road trip!" Well you get the idea! This is not the time for you to be ALONE! But whatever you do don't fall in that trap of "an-eye-for-an-eye"! This will only make matters worst and complicate things for you!
> 
> You be the strong one, by keeping your slate CLEAN! Because none of us know where this will all end. Just in case things get worked out or even if they don't. You can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm a GOOD WOMAN AND I KNOW IT! IT WAS HIS LOSS NOT MIND!" One other thing...get to yourself and pray like you've never prayed in your life! Tell God, just how you feel, don't hold back...scream if you need to! Just make sure your neighbors don't hear! Besides, God already knows all about it before you even come to Him. He's just waiting for your call! I hope this helped! CHIN UP!


okay, i posted this before i read all your posts. but still some of it may still apply.


----------

