# Contact from Ex



## kekkek

*Recent background: * I had been posting a bit in another forum (named after a shack), but their site disappeared from the internet a couple of weeks ago (anyone know why?). I had hit on that one by accident. Now I realize this forum is quite a bit more active, so I'm going to give it a try. I am curious to see what people here think.

*Longer backstory:* I met my ex while in university in the US. She was divorcing from her first husband who she claimed was abusive to her. I believed it at the time. She is from another country. But we got together, married, and spent years together (about 10 years of relationship, 7 years of marriage, then...). It was a relationship with a lot of arguments and turmoil, looking back. Then she started grad school, spending a lot of time away from home. I had a gut feeling something was wrong some of those times she was out.

Then one day, she said she had something to tell me. She was pregnant. We spent a few minutes talking about how we would handle that. [It was one of the characteristics of that relationship that we never had talked about wanting or having children before.] Then she said she had something else to tell me..._she wasn't sure who the father was_. I knew in that moment that our relationship was over. It was like scales fell from my eyes, and I no longer saw the woman I had loved, but instead this suddenly aged stranger in front of me. The dude was a 10+ years older man she met in grad school.

We talked about if she had the baby and DNA tested, I would support it, but otherwise she was on her own. She ended up having an abortion. Actually, she had told me that she had had an abortion with her first husband when she was very young, because she didn't want to have a baby with him. So it was not the first time for her. I kept in contact with her during the separation up to the day of divorce, just to keep things moving smoothly. But after the divorce, I stopped contacting her at all (other than a couple of e-mails she sent about finding a few of my things in the early months). 

The happily ever after is that I met someone else, got married, had a child, and have a completely different life with warmth and love that I did not know before. So I am fine, better than fine. But the resurfacing of my ex has raised this question.

I heard through friends that she married the guy she cheated with. I have not seen her in almost 15 years, and had not received an e-mail from her in about 14. 

*Present day:* I received an e-mail from her (my work e-mail is public and easy to find) that she needed a copy of our divorce decree because she was getting married again (4th time, it seems), having moved back to her country. So I sent it, with a one-word "Congratulations". She wrote again a few weeks later, asking "How are you?". I didn't reply to that. Then I started wondering if she was going to wish me a happy birthday (which she didn't). 

I got curious and googled the dude she cheated on me with. It turns out there was a recent news story about him and his new girlfriend (one of those supposedly romantic puff pieces), who he had met on the train a few years ago. So it looks like he left my ex for this new girl (just a few years younger than my ex). So not a pretty picture. I am not claiming any prizes myself for relationships.

A long story, but my question is simple. *Once an ex resurfaces like this after a long time, what are others' experiences with this kind of situation?* Do they tend to go away quietly? Or can I expect repeated attempts at contact? Just to be clear, I do not want any contact with the ex, and would prefer to go back to having zero communication with her for the rest of my life!

Thanks for listening


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## Bananapeel

What happens is based on what you do. If you don't respond they'll usually disappear pretty quickly. If you start talking with her she might not.


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## NextTimeAround

Don't respond; don't say anything. Even the word "congratulations" gave her hope.

I dated a guy who took along time to shake off. Even being rude to him on the phone or in public may seem low, but you have to do it,

If my husband's ex ever resurfaced, I would savage her in whatever (legal) ways I could. I hope you and your wife are as tough as I am wife.


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## farsidejunky

Let the past be the past. Nothing good can come from inviting such a low character person back into your life.


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## VermiciousKnid

I think conventional wisdom says you've moved on and are in a good place. Let it go and keep her out of your life. I also have to throw in that there are stories of people having really nasty divorces, many times with cheating involved or one spouse leaves the other for someone else, then years later they get back together and live happily ever after. The offending spouse having learned just how wonderful the spouse they cheated on and/or left really was. I have represented people in divorces before only to have them contact me sometimes a few years later that they had gotten remarried.

I was contacted years ago by a former GF that had dumped me for someone else. Here it was 20 years later and she told me that was the mistake of her life and asked how I was doing. Of course she was fishing for my situation and looking to start something. I told her I was married to the love of my life and hopes that she finds the same thing. That was the last I heard from her.


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## NextTimeAround

farsidejunky said:


> Let the past be the past. Nothing good can come from inviting such a low character person back into your life.



I get that the OP wants to keep the past in the past. He's asking how to ensure it. Aggressive people are not normal. They don't take no for an answer and they have no shame. And, just as I suspect of this ex wife, with the "I was an abused wife waiflike vulnerable" routine, like many others, he fell for it and felt that he had finally a purpose in life ..... to protect this woman.

So we think we're just being nice by saying pleasantries like "congratulations" and sadly, those types view it as a wide open door.

I was in a similar situation in grad school. I determined that a certain classmate was a user and just simply ignored her. another guy I was friendly with then told me that she told him "I didn't like her" and he wanted to know why like it was his job to protect her.

Fast forward a semester and this same guy admitted that he had to get rid of her too. She was a user just as I said.

boy, I wish I had those social skills. But I would use them as a force for good.


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## kekkek

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies. It confirms my feeling that just remaining silent is the best option, and that she'll go away again (hopefully). When we lived about an hour apart, but in the same general metro area, I used to worry about bumping into her, but that never happened. Now that she is really far away, it is seriously unlikely that I will ever see her.


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## frusdil

Bananapeel said:


> What happens is based on what you do. If you don't respond they'll usually disappear pretty quickly. If you start talking with her she might not.


^^This. Stay silent and she'll go away.


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## arbitrator

*My XW, the boys mother, for as long as she doesn't have a boyfriend in tow, has always made it a point to communication cate with me, more especially with regard to our grown college grad sons. She has also contracted a gradual case of MS, which she seemingly is keeping under control!

She also grew quite fond of my dog, Mathias, habitually buying and sending him countless doggie treats and toys! 

She hasn't contacted me in better than two months now and, while I don't necessarily miss hearing from her, I'm a little perplexed because with rare exception, neither of our sons like to communicate with her because of her past bipolar actions against them!

I guess that I should really just consider myself lucky! 

In apposition with your sentiments, @kekkek ~ I would recommend that you be mildly cordial toward your ex, but to give her absolutely no more than whatever favors that she's asking you for! She was your friend as your wife ~ she should readily realize that that no longer applies!

After all, with ex-wives much like her, silence can be golden!*


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## Satya

OP, I'm not really sure why you needed to ask this question.

She wanted her divorce decree, you sent it, that should be the end of communication. Block her.

You can wish her the best as a human being and feel bad for her life circumstances, but they are her circumstances. Let your thoughts stay squarely focused on your current family.

I don't think your wife would be very excited to know that you're having an internal, moral struggle about maintaining communication with an ex who betrayed you.

Wake up and let it go. I'm saying that with all of the respect and kindness I can muster.


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## Blondilocks

Well, I'm not sure why you felt you were obliged to send her a copy of your decree. She could have gotten an extra copy from the court house. Her sloppy record keeping is not your problem. Not sure why you were anticipating her saying 'happy birthday'. It seems as though you want communication to continue.


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## kekkek

Satya said:


> OP, I'm not really sure why you needed to ask this question.
> 
> She wanted her divorce decree, you sent it, that should be the end of communication. Block her.
> 
> You can wish her the best as a human being and feel bad for her life circumstances, but they are her circumstances. Let your thoughts stay squarely focused on your current family.
> 
> I don't think your wife would be very excited to know that you're having an internal, moral struggle about maintaining communication with an ex who betrayed you.
> 
> Wake up and let it go. I'm saying that with all of the respect and kindness I can muster.


My question, once again, was...
*Once an ex resurfaces like this after a long time, what are others' experiences with this kind of situation?*
I was curious to know what to expect about repeated contact from a resurfaced ex like this. 
I cannot block her. My e-mail is public due to the nature of my job. I can send her e-mails to the junk folder, but I still have to check that periodically because important stuff ends up there due to the poor filtering by Micro....

My wife has seen all the e-mails. I am not having a moral struggle, and I am awake. I also said in my original post, *"Just to be clear, I do not want any contact with the ex, and would prefer to go back to having zero communication with her for the rest of my life!"*


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## kekkek

Blondilocks said:


> Well, I'm not sure why you felt you were obliged to send her a copy of your decree. She could have gotten an extra copy from the court house. Her sloppy record keeping is not your problem. Not sure why you were anticipating her saying 'happy birthday'. It seems as though you want communication to continue.


She said she was in another country. I didn't see the point of antagonizing her over something that takes two minutes to scan (and presumably helps her get married again and stay away :smile2: ). I worried about a possible birthday wish because my birthday was not long after the second "how are you?" e-mail. If asking a question about this on a forum makes it seem as though I want communication to continue, all the while stating that I do not want to hear from her and want her to go away, well, then I guess it is better not to post.


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## purplesunsets

I'm curious as to why you have a hard time setting a boundary that you so clearly want and need. You expressed you don't want to have contact with her.... so why haven't you expressed that clearly to her? She has no right to your time, responses, or life. Say goodbye and cut any ties .


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## kekkek

purplesunsets said:


> I'm curious as to why you have a hard time setting a boundary that you so clearly want and need. You expressed you don't want to have contact with her.... so why haven't you expressed that clearly to her? She has no right to your time, responses, or life. Say goodbye and cut any ties .


To me that seemed like overkill. I did not have any contact with her for 14 years. Now there have been 2 e-mails, one that I responded to, because it was a request for the divorce document. The second I did not respond to. It seems like writing and 'expressing' more things to her would just open the door to a back and forth about "why?".


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## purplesunsets

kekkek said:


> To me that seemed like overkill. I did not have any contact with her for 14 years. Now there have been 2 e-mails, one that I responded to, because it was a request for the divorce document. The second I did not respond to. It seems like writing and 'expressing' more things to her would just open the door to a back and forth about "why?".


Hmm, okay I see what you mean. So I would just ignore her attempts at contacting you until it gets out of hand, then you can set your boundaries.


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## dutiful

Together, my wife and I, drafted up a concisely worded FaceBook msg response to an ex of hers. We included language from our states cyber stalking laws and let him know if there was ever even a response to our "cease and desist" message, his wife would be the first to know followed by the appropriate authorities. Doesn't seem like you are close to that yet but some people don't get it.


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## colingrant

I've had a few people (pop up) out of nowhere with facebook messages. I respond kindly, but never follow up with a statement and not a question. If they follow up with a 2nd message I don't respond, and that ends any further discussion. I'm not really on facebook anyway. An old friend sent me a message and I didn't see it for another 18 months. What helps me is one question I ask myself. Would my wife be okay with this? The answer is no. End of story.


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## kekkek

colingrant said:


> I've had a few people (pop up) out of nowhere with facebook messages.* I respond kindly, but never follow up with a statement and not a question.* If they follow up with a 2nd message I don't respond, and that ends any further discussion. I'm not really on facebook anyway. An old friend sent me a message and I didn't see it for another 18 months. What helps me is one question I ask myself. Would my wife be okay with this? The answer is no. End of story.


Does it mean you ask a question instead of following up with a statement? I am having trouble parsing the bolded text.


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## Mr.Married

To me it is kind of a red flag that you even feel the need to post about it at all, despite what you write about the event and your feelings there of.

Edit: I light of the fact I have no ex-wife maybe there are some things I just don't understand from others perspective on things.


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## colingrant

kekkek said:


> Does it mean you ask a question instead of following up with a statement? I am having trouble parsing the bolded text.


Written poorly by me and bolded inadvertently. To rephrase. My response is never a question, light hearted humor or anything that is an opening leading to further discussion. Something to the effect of, Hi, xxxxx. Nice hearing from you and prayerful your future will be a good one." The religious vernacular always throws people off a little and speaking in general and terms wishing the future be a good one for them, is saying, we're done after this message. > It's polite, short, curt and conclusive. Thanks for giving me a heads up on previous post confusion. Hopefully this clarifies.


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## kekkek

colingrant said:


> Written poorly by me and bolded inadvertently. To rephrase. My response is never a question, light hearted humor or anything that is an opening leading to further discussion. Something to the effect of, Hi, xxxxx. Nice hearing from you and prayerful your future will be a good one." The religious vernacular always throws people off a little and speaking in general and terms wishing the future be a good one for them, is saying, we're done after this message. > It's polite, short, curt and conclusive. Thanks for giving me a heads up on previous post confusion. Hopefully this clarifies.


Got it now, thanks! Good strategy.


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## kekkek

Mr.Married said:


> To me it is kind of a red flag that you even feel the need to post about it at all, despite what you write about the event and your feelings there of.
> 
> Edit: I light of the fact I have no ex-wife maybe there are some things I just don't understand from others perspective on things.


Yeah, I see that I have been talking about it too much. But I guess I was "triggered" by hearing from her after 14 years of silence.


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