# I found out on Valentine's Day :(



## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

*I found out on Valentine's Day  - EDITED: can childhood abuse cause infidelity?*

I'd been having a long distance relationship with my fiance for 2 years...me in Australia, him in the UK. It was monogamous, or so I thought. I moved here three and a half months ago and living together wasn't the same as the time he visited Australia or when I visited the UK. So much more strained and angry. He tried to make me wrong for every tiny thing I did and he turned away and shut me out. I knew things hadn't been great for a while but I figured it was the distance of being apart and his stress of the uni course he was doing.

A few weeks ago I discovered some secret email accounts. He freaked out and said I wasn't allowed to see what's in them. I knew something was up. The next day he confessed he made accounts on sex sites like 'naughty singles' but he only made them last year 2010 when we were apart because he was angry at me and wanted to feel wanted. he said he never used them and deleted it all from the email that was linked to them. I said we needed couples' counselling.

I felt he wasn't telling me the whole truth. On Monday Feb 14th I got the guts to give him an ultimatum - either he gets ALL accounts restored and allows me to see the content to prove he wasn't cheating, or I leave.

He confessed that he'd been having cybersex with other guys for 9 months (we're both bi) over webcam including while I lived here. He said he's been posting explicit pictures of himself on sex sites. He also confessed to a 3 week fling with a random 30-something year old woman in America over Second Life (a virtual world) where they had cybersex in text and he wrote her a sex story and sent her a naked pic of himself. He also confessed to drinking for 2 months during last year that he wasn't disclosing to me - he used to be an alcoholic and he said he'd never drink again then did and hid it.

I believe now he's told me everything as 'that feeling' I've had that something was very wrong is gone. He started this when things were VERY bad between us last year - we were on other sides of the world and fighting a lot and I was being treated for depression. Once he started he felt if I ever found out he would lose me so he just sunk deeper and deeper into himself and being self-destructive. I told him I think he has problems with intimacy and everything he's done smacks of intimacy problems, possible emotional anorexia and sex addiction. 

I told him his behaviour isn't normal and I know he's not happy. I said to him I think it may be related to very bad sex abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of two much older male relatives which he never told anyone about, as well as a lot of bullying he has experienced. I told him he needs to confront this.

I know it's not just because he wanted more sex because he was and is getting plenty from me - we're both pretty freaky and adventurous and we have a very full on sex life. I also know it's not because monogamy just isn't right for him because we've said that eventually we'll have a marriage where we'll try group sex and playing with other people etc...and I keep asking him if he needs / wants that NOW and he says no, he wants to enjoy monogamy for a while with me.

We're both devastated at what was done. I'm glad it's out in the open now though because the energy between us is so much clearer. I love him and he loves me and wants to be with me. He's agreed to transparency, to do whatever it takes to fix this. We're in couples' counselling and we're both getting individual counselling. He's said he's felt suicidal and I'm taking that seriously. He went to a doctor the day after we found out and told them everything, and got a referral to mental health to get help with all of it...the suicidal thoughts, the feelings, the sex infidelity, the abuse, the alcoholism. Me, I need counselling to help me deal too. His Mum knows all about what's happened also - he talked to her right after he told me. She's supporting both of us.

It has just been such a lousy few weeks and months really. It feels like this massive cancer of a secret and betrayal has been removed from us and we can finally start to deal. He has shown absolute remorse for his actions and I believe he is really sorry and he was very confused. It was just a really ****ed up way to find out, on Valentine's Day evening. Will Valentine's Day always be the day that reminds me of him cheating now? Needless to say we didn't go out to a romantic restaurant that night...we spent the evening crying and talking with his Mum.

Anyway sorry for the long ramble. I've really come to respect you guys and this forum. I needed a place to vent. Thanks for reading.

XENA (not my real name)


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Mmm...can someone please reply? :/


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I will give ya a reply!!!! I am happy you two are getting the help you need. Hopefully all this counseling will help your guy out and get his head where it needs to be so you two can move forward. Sounds like he had a rough go of it when he was younger. I hope you guys can fix this. oh and by the way, I love the show xena...and paramore isn't my real name either


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Thanks Paramore. I'm scared. I know my boyfriend has problems but also all my emotions are crashing. I keep crying and crying about whats happened. He's so remorseful, now he tells me whatever I want to know. But how do I ever know he's told me it all? We're talking to the counsellor on Thursday about how I can feel safe while I'm at work and he's home. i DOn't want to panic thinking he might be here having webcam sex while I'm at work and i don't want to install keylogger and check his computer all the time, I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT! Sorry I'm panicked I feel like everythings crashed around me.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

By the way is there any way to get into someone's facebook account? I've found another account I think may be his but I don't know how to get into it.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

I just edited the title of this post. I want to know if someone being sexually abused in childhood can cause them to be unfaithful and have problems with intimacy. My fiance was abused and never told anyone about it until he told me 2 years ago...I am wondering if this could be a factor in the affair and the cybersex webcam stuff he did...just trying to make sense of it all as he was getting plenty of sex from me and I KNOW the sex we have is GREAT...and he was just having meaningless webcam sex with others...could this be an intimacy issue as well? Any help / perspective appreciated. THANK YOU


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