# Week 5 of Separation - Husband Said He is Not In Love with Me (OUCH!)



## Awakening2012

HI All - 

I am up early with insomnia. We are into week 5 of what we agreed would be a 3 month trial separation. To recall our situation, he left when I got back from rehab to process resentment and fear that all came out my two-year relapse after 14 years of recovery (he only knew me sober until 3 years inot our 5 year marriage, and we were a happy couple up to that point). I have acknowledged the pain and suffering my relapse caused him and our marriage, and that I understand it will take time to heal. I felt I had been doing so well, working my program (sober 4 months now), and respecting his space and his process, doing the 180 never chasing or pushing in any way. He has called about twice a week, and we have seen each other twice (both times he took me to a hockey game). 

But last night he called, and got to sharing more about where he is in his process. He said he awoke the previous night at 3am and just stared into space wondering: how did we get here, to this sad place when we had been so happy? I think we both know the answer to that: it was my relapse and his horror of seeing me in active alcoholism -- though a "functional" drinker, holding down a professiional job, never being abusive, but just the grind of nightly drinking I returned to when I relapsed. He has said in previous emails that "the way I dealt with your drinking was not healthy -- I kept looking the other way, hoping you would handle it on your own. Now I am working on seeing if I can some to terms with all this pent up anger, and I feel like your drinking has changed me as a person -- that I am not the same guy you fell in love with 7 years ago."

I told him, I feel sad about what happend too, but can't undo the past and have recommitteed to my recovery and am working hard to forgive myself and build a happy, healthy new life. Here's the kicker: last night he said: "I'm not angry with you anymore, but I don't love you." OUCH! I said I think about and miss the happier times, too, and when we were the most important people in each others' lives. I told him the ball is firmly in his court, but if he is feeling this way (does not love me anymore) it is hard for me to see much hope unless he is willing to see if we can work on this together anfd find out if there is any chance we can rekindle our love for each other. I do not see how this can happen -- if he is even willing to try -- outside of sokme sort of couples counselling, which he has thusfar refused. He said he would think about it, and meanwhile invited me to a soccer game Wednesday night, so we'll see how that goes.

It sounds to me like there is still some semblance of connection there -- that some part of him misses what we had before I screwed it up. But if he is saying he does not love me anymore, then I think there is a good chance we are done, unless he is willing to explore it in couples counselling, so we can have a platfom to process together, and see if there is anything worth salvaging. Because if he is sure he "does not love me anymore," and is not willing to try to see if these is a chnace our love can ever be rekindled, then what is the point of more time separated? Why not just get a divorce so we can both can move on? This will have to be his call, I am not going to be the one to force the issue and say "OK then, if that's how you feel why don't we just get divorced." He knows where I stand -- that I would prefer to give counselling a shot, but this "I don't love you anymore" is not encouraging -- is there ever a way back from that precipice? Because if he is saying he feels that way, and it is not willing to try working on it, then at some point I do not want to be married to someone who doesn't want me. I am sick of being in limbo! I guess I just wait for him to make a decision, but it sure feels a lot more hopeless now....

With sadness and heartache, A12


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## TBT

A12-Sorry for the direction things seem to be going for you and how they are making you feel.You say you would rather move on if what your husband said is the truth,so maybe instead of sitting in this limbo,you both need to take the time to sit down,discuss it and come to a final resolution.I also want to say that the fact your husband is having somewhat of a struggle dealing with his anger may be clouding his other emotions.I hope,knowing that its what you want,that you still have a chance.Whatever happens,I think with the strength you're gaining everyday that you will survive and thrive in your life,and will find happier days again.Take care.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Dean -- I will try posting over in the D & S section.

Kind Regards, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Hi TBT - 

Thank you fir your kind reply. I agree, his anger (and he also suffers from depression) may well be clouding his perspective -- magnifying all the negative feelings and suppressing all the great memories and years together, before my relapse. It is as if he is redefining me and our marriage in pureoly negative terms. But there is still this sadness that comes through from him, this missing of what we had. I came home from work unexpectedly early yesterday, and he was here -- had stopped by to pick up mail and visit the cats. He was in the middle of writing me a note he threw in the trash. We had a nice visit, and it went well, he lingered and chatted for awhile. He said he noticed I had taken down the wedding pictures and pictures of us together. I told him that did not mean I had given up on the marriage, just that I did not want the daily reminders of happier days in my face every day, because it made me feel sad -- he said he understood. Later I saw in the note (picked out of the trash can) he was just letting me know he picked up the mail and fed the cats, but also said, "Coming by here makes me feel very sad and uncomfortable." I did not say this, of course (it was after he left), but No ****, Sherlock! How does he think it makes me feel EVERY DAY, coming home for a hard day's work to the home that represents the life we built together?! The advice I am getting from my sponsor, therapist and other AA women with recovery time its to leave it be -- do not let anything he says push me into being the one to force a final resolution of ending the marriage, just to ease my discomfort with "not knowing the outcome." Not to be in denial, but I am told the "I don't love you" is just words on a given day, and may be part of his process. It is actions that count -- e.g. I do not hear him asking for a divorce or saying he wants to end the marriage, and I should not let my fear spur me to push it to that conclusion. No, I am doing what they tell me -- keep turning the entire situation and any painful thoughts or feelings about it over to God, and to trust God to sort this out in God's way and in God's time. I also now have a useful matra: "I am not going to let my sobiiety and my happiness be contingent on anything or anyone outside of myself!" This is helping me a lot  

When he left last night, he asked if we were still on for the soccer game tonight (DC United vs. Colorado Rapids), and I said, sure, great! He did give me a hug and kiss when he left, so I am just going to accept that he is conflicted and giving mixed signals, and leave it be -- the ball will stay firmly in his court. I am not going to do anything, except let him see the happier more confident and serene person I am becoming and always was before  

But I am prepared for any outcome -- and getting to a much better place of acceptance either way! It is nice to feel some growth along spiritual lines! Thanks for all your kind and helpful words of support! Hope all is well with you.

Hugs, - A12


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