# If i ask him to look at his phone should he be ok with showing me?



## tiffgirl

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. During the first year of our 6 year relationship he had an affair with his ex-wife. The affair went on for a year and a half unbeknown to me. Once i found out, we briefly broke up. However, we got back together and we were able to move past the affair after counseling. He agreed to stopped all communication with her. 

Since then We have moved past the incident and we have had a pretty good faithful relationship ever since. Now, 3 years latter she has made an attempt to contact him - I found out by looking at his FB page. He assures me that he wants nothing to do with her. I still feel insecure and threatened and a small part of me is afraid that he could betray me again. I want to believe him but due to our past with this woman it is hard to trust him about her.

I told him that I would feel more secure about the situation if he would allow me to look at his phone to ensure that he is not talking to her. I would not do this behind his back, but I asked him to show me. He freaked out and we got in a long argument. He refused to show me his phone and said it was a violation of his trust. However, he already violated my trust with this woman years ago! So should I push the issue to be able to see his phone when I request to or should i drop it and trust him?

His freaking out caused the small part that was afraid get much larger. I think now that there is a chance that he is up to something or why would he not be more open to my request? Especially knowing how hurt i was by her attempt to contact him. He will also NOT agree with me that she is being disrespectful by trying to reach out to him now that we are married.


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## lola_b

In my opinion, if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind showing you and would show you whenever. I don't see it as a violation of his trust since you said you wouldn't do it behind his back but asked him to show you. 

There's a difference between privacy and hiding/lying.


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## DawnD

Since the H has already betrayed my trust, there are no reasons for me to not be able to view anything of his. I can see all his emails, facebooks, cell phone records and the cell, anything I want he will show. For me, this is the only way I can have any trust in him. I don't know if its normal or not, but I wouldn't be here if he wasn't showing me everything.


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## freddie_fender

If my wife asked to see my phone (and I had cheated before) and I said no, I would have to think there is a reason for that. 

Based on the prior actions of our husband I don't think it is out of line to request. But if "I" reacted that way to "your" request, it would only be because I damn well knew there was lots on the phone that I would not want you to see. If I was in the clear, why would I not give you the phone?? But if I was hiding something, I would go the exact route your husband did, and that is make a deal of the question. I could be wrong, but based on the fact he cheated already, he should hand you the phone no questions asked. It may not be fair or whatever he wants to rant on, but he changed all the rules when he betrayed you. So new game, new rules. But I dont like the fact he pushed you on the phone. Not good.


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## tiffgirl

Thanks so much for everyone's input - I need to trust my gut. When i put myself in his shoes I would hand over the phone too.


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## ppl

i have no answer. checking up only makes people better liars and will learn to hide better. checking up phones, emails etc only works first time until they learn to use new unknown email account or gotomypc to connect to alternative computer you dont have access to or company phone etc. its a losing battle and an honest person will always be ultimately decieved by a dishonest one. they are practiced in deception your not


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## morningdew

I strongly believe that if he have nothing to hide, then he should be more than willing to show you his phone, besides like you said he had broken your trust in the past and there's a chance he might do it again. Best of luck.


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## pochael

There is no reason for anything to be hidden. There should be no secrets, no deception, nothing. You are one.


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## Itslikethat

I have the same issue with my wife asking to look at my phone for trust. I only show her sometimes but see it as an invasion of my privacy, like a school kid being checked up on. Sorry but I'm 100% faithfull and have nothing to hide but I am a private person. 

I agree this may equal mistrust but some guys are not open books.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alwaysconfused

:scratchhead:I am experiencing the same thing. My wife has decided to check my phone when I am sleep or when I leave it to go to the store. I was caught lying to her when I was at a friends house and not at work.

I confessed, I have been going to counseling and not hanging with my friends. Recently she secretly read my phone and saw a text from my friend asking me to come over to his house. I did not go although I thought about going but I did not.

She is upset because she feels that I was being dishonest behind her back. I was not because there was nothing to run and tell her. Checking the phone just means that there is not enough trust there. Just keep working on it. If you can trust them then let their phone go and make a decision.


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## Jorcky

I don't know, my hubby goes mad if I ask to look through his phone so I once did it while he was asleep to put my mind at ease and there was NOTHING bad there. A few calls from his Mum and a couple of texts from his friends about meeting up for drinks, and the rest were from me. Nothing I didn't already know about. Some people are just weird about privacy. Although if I were him I'd be smart enough to show you the phone because of the prior affair. I'd put my wife's peace of mind above my weird privacy issues.


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## unbelievable

Your request is quite reasonable. If you have suspicions, it's only because he traded his credibility for a little fun and not all that long ago. That was his decision and not yours. If he had never strayed or given you reason to be cautious, I might think otherwise. He spent at least 1/4 of your relationship daily lying to you. If you're good enough to give him a second chance, he should be thrilled to give you the reasonable transparency you requested.


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## seeking sanity

Given the cheating, he should show you. His refusal either means: a) he's hiding something, or b) he is avoiding his responsibility as a wayward spouse to provide safety/transparency back in the relationship after a betrayal. Either way he's failing you.


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## AFEH

Tiffgirl, well done with getting through the first affair.

But remember you’re dealing with a liar and a cheat. First thing is never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to. Because all you will get is more lies, deceptions, blame and criticism and it’ll do your head in.

But how do you know the answers before you ask the questions? You snoop.

How do you snoop? With mobiles there’s software that let you link into another’s phone from your phone without them knowing and you can read the txt messages etc. On a pc there’s software that let’s you view all their activity without them knowing.

I think it’s terrible that this sort of action is required but it’s caused by a lying and cheating spouse that refuses to be open and honest. But once you’ve done it you can ask questions you already know the answers to. It is your “proof”, confirmation both of what’s going on and the type of person your husband is.

I didn’t go there with snooping. It was enough for me to know that my wife lied to me to end my marriage. I wish I had of snooped as that would have been evidence, confirmation for myself and my sons.

Bob


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## greeneyeddolphin

Even if he hadn't previosly cheated, I would find his refusal suspicious. When there's nothing to hide, there's no reason to hide. 

My boyfriend and I have an open door policy when it comes to our emails, phones, etc. We both know that all we have to do is ask. That knowledge has always pretty much kept us from asking, simply because we both know we can. 

We both also know that if we *did* ask, and got told no, that that would indicate a problem. If there had been cheating previous to asking, it would indicate an even bigger problem. 

I don't think you are out of line in your request, and I don't think you are wrong in feeling his refusal is a bad thing. There's only two ways you can look at this: either he's cheating again, or he just plain doesn't care how you feel. 

I don't know that I'd resort to snooping, only because I tend to feel that if I've gotten to that point, then there's not much point to continuing the relationship. I would however, resort to telling him, "Look, you cheated on me before. I asked you to let me see your phone, and you refused. I just wanted a little reassurance, and you refused to give that to me. That leaves me with only two options: believe you're cheating again and trying to hide it, or believe that you just don't care how I feel. Either option is unacceptable to me and I can't live with either of them. So, if you can't give me that simple reassurance I need and let me see your phone, I'm going to have to seriously reconsider this marriage." Of course, you have to be willing to follow through on that if he continues to refuse.


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