# To be Degraded



## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

Is it right for my wife to constantly put me down, say I am not what she wants as a spouse and jump me over every move I make? I feel like a prisoner and she tries to reverse it around as I am the bad guy, just wondering if there are other men or even women out there that get treated the same way?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

tlsmith2293 said:


> Is it right for my wife to constantly put me down, say I am not what she wants as a spouse and jump me over every move I make? I feel like a prisoner and she tries to reverse it around as I am the bad guy, just wondering if there are other men or even women out there that get treated the same way?


There are. They shouldn't put up with it and neither should you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Have you discussed divorce with her? If you're not what she wants, why is she staying around?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tlsmith2293 said:


> Is it right for my wife to constantly put me down, say I am not what she wants as a spouse and jump me over every move I make? I feel like a prisoner and she tries to reverse it around as I am the bad guy, just wondering if there are other men or even women out there that get treated the same way?


No, it is not right. YOur wife sounds immature. You need to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you ought to read No More Mr Nice Guy and start wearing the pants in your house.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If you are not what she wants, tell her to go find him. I don't understand people who put their spouses down and expect to be happy.

Let her know she is not the wife you had dreamed of either, see how she likes that...

You don't have to take her crap.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

So sorry

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Have you discussed divorce with her? If you're not what she wants, *why is she staying around?*


Why is she staying around?

She is insecure.
She is very anxiety prone [or standing!].
She is a bully.
She is a hater by nature and at nature.
She is her own worst enemy.

She knows her behavior is unbecoming.
She knows people do not like her.
She knows this and does not care..or care enough.
She knows bitter, she knows better...she is comfortable with sour.
She is Queen at your house.

She knows anywhere else, she will be rejected, and she will be demoted from Queen to housemaid and dishwasher.

She fears change.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Why is she staying around?
> 
> She is insecure.
> She is very anxiety prone [or standing!].
> ...


*In addition to this very well thought out rationale, the mitigating factor here is that she has you seriously hoodwinked and browbeaten into letting her "wear the pants" and to accordingly abuse you, as well as others, all at her "obsessive-compulsive" will and pleasure!

You really need to be out of that situation like yesterday!

Not to be sexist here, but why not try "growing a pair?"*


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tlsmith2293 said:


> Is it right for my wife to constantly put me down, say I am not what she wants as a spouse and jump me over every move I make? I feel like a prisoner and she tries to reverse it around as I am the bad guy, just wondering if there are other men or even women out there that get treated the same way?


What exactly are her complaints about you?


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

Everything and Arbitrator I have but it is like I smack into a wall.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm a firm believer in respectful communication, regardless of the issue. Sure, we're all human, we make mistakes, we lose or cool, but that really should be a rare occurrence. 

Having said that, it'll help to know some specifics about why your wife considers you the "bad guy". Do you find any of her concerns to be legitimate issues that you have?

Also is this how she's always communicated with you, or was there a shift at some point?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Then the best thing I can do is free you from being attached to me. I will be consulting with an attorney on X day. Start thinking about how we can fairly divide custody and assets."

Then walk away.

Follow through with the appointment with an attorney.

When (please note I said WHEN, not IF) she tries to bully you into submission again, respond with:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

It does not engage, and it reflects her words back at her. Why she is doing this is likely because she knows it hurts you, and knows it will get you to engage/argue with her. Both are unhealthy needs from her.

Do not engage. You can also try these:

"I am not okay with insults."

"I see it differently."

And if she continues to harp, raise one eyebrow and smile as you say:

"Are you done?"


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You do know it is emotional abuse correct? Seek help on that. What she is doing is undoing your mental and emotional health for her benefit.

Have you thought there could be better out there? If work on yourself and undo some of the damage she has done to you, your rise in self worth will make you tolerate her even less and have less power over you and your emotions. I had an abusive ex-gf and leaving her was one of the best things to happen to me. It eventually lead to me to my current partner. You do not have a chance to be happy until you unshackle those things that keep you from it. That includes your wife, your inability to say no more.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tlsmith2293 said:


> Everything and Arbitrator I have but it is like I smack into a wall.


*Procure a copy of and thoroughly read Dr. Robert Glover's masterpiece,  No More Mr. Nice Guy!

 Post haste! *


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Also read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by M. Smith.

I suggest you find an individual therapist. Your work should offer "EAP", Employee Assistance Program, which is a free and 100% confidential program. This would give you someone in real life to talk to and who can give you experienced feedback on specific events. They can help you with some tools on dealing with your wife.

Contact an attorney for a free 15-30 minute consultation on how divorce typically goes for someone in your location with your financial and family situation. You need good information about how divorce probably would look for you. This way you can make decisions based on reality, not on inflated fears or hearsay.


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

Thank you everyone for the advice.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

smith,


can you tell me if this has always been her modus operandi or has something happen to alter her behavior?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If you've got the cash, why not file for divorce just as a warning shot. My worry is that you'll back down in a face-to-face confrontation. File for divorce, have her served so that you don't have to confront, then let the chips fall where they may. It doesn't require any special courage on your part since someone else does the dirty work. All you do is fill out the forms and spend a little money.

If she becomes confrontational after she's served, leave the scene and write her an email explaining your position, namely, that you're releasing her to find an adequate husband. We can help you craft the letter. Don't let her put you in a situation where she's bullying you and intimidating you again. Just bow out and do all your communication over email. 

If the divorce filing doesn't wake her up to the extent of the problem, and she doesn't agree to change her ways, you simply continue letting the divorce follow its natural course.


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> smith,
> 
> 
> can you tell me if this has always been her modus operandi or has something happen to alter her behavior?


It was always a little bit, but it has got really bad over the past year.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

smith,

It's because you allowed her to treat you this way. No, this isn't your fault. It's all on her but you allow it to continue. You are a Nice Guy. You are a doormat. Your moto to life is "Smooth Sailing." You want no confotation, no drama, and no worries. I used to be the same way. 

I read No More Mr Nice Guy in 2 hrs on night and it woke me up. I separated from my abusive and miserable wife 2 weeks later. Go download the free PDF online, just google it. Or buy it on your iPad or phone, just read it!

How often do you two have sex?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I am curious. Can you give some *specific* examples of how she is degrading you? Sorry if I missed it in the thread. What is she saying or doing specifically? I am not doubting but I ask this because my H has said similar things about me but he can never come up with a specific example of when I have done or said something. He just says that he doesn't keep score (obviously he does) and just puts it out of his mind (which he doesn't). 

If you have a complaint (as opposed to a criticism) you should be able to be quite specific, i.e."When you told my boss at the Christmas party that you had to do all the work around our house, I was embarrassed and it made me feel degraded."


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

I will check out the book. I think that is my problem I do what I do to try and keep the peace, but I think it just makes things worse. I am constantly called names, and put down like I am a child even when I work my rear end off to make her happy I am still treated with no respect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tlsmith2293 said:


> I will check out the book. I think that is my problem I do what I do to try and keep the peace, but I think it just makes things worse. I am constantly called names, and put down like I am a child *even when I work my rear end off to make her happy *I am still treated with no respect.


What do you do to try to make her happy?

How often do you do this?

(Not excusing her behavior, just trying to get a fuller picture)


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## tlsmith2293 (May 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What do you do to try to make her happy?
> 
> How often do you do this?
> 
> (Not excusing her behavior, just trying to get a fuller picture)


Everything, but still not good enough


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tlsmith2293 said:


> Everything, but still not good enough


You seem to be avoiding to give up specific answers about anything. It's really hard to help a person who does this.


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