# Friends who "dont like to pick sides"



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Well then thats great. I learn something new as to the level of discernment and consideration you have for me, while eagerly awaiting the opportunity to bend over in support of her, and how accepting you are of her decision to destroy her family with a dooshbag.
To get emails from some of them talking about missing me and I should come over, etc.etc..
No one else sees the level of treachery that ended up with me losing half of my life getting to be around my kid? That honor, being handed over to a complete stranger.. 
And these "friends" of mine, are ass-up in the air awaiting his acknowledgement of their willingness to "not pick sides".

People like this are an injury to what true friendship means.

Fking spineless. 

They are incapable of grasping the level of treachery it took, to begin working all these plans behind your husband's back, such that he, as an undeserving victim of your lack of integrity, gets to find out most of his friends are cowards.

One truly finds out who has their back in these situations.


I cant take these people seriously. I used to consider them very close personal friends, but now? Its almost like being cheated on twice.. 

I wash my hands of them. No matter how sweet and innocent they like to portray themselves, evidently it doesnt take very much character or integrity to join the ranks over there. 

I hear from some of these people, and its like, mmmmyeah buddy, I uhhhh miss y'all too?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Couldn't agree more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ouch!

a good reply:

"sorry do I know you? You must have me confused with somebody else."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When my best friend cheated on his wife with her best friend, I picked sides. And not his side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Some of my personal friends, who are also STBXW's FB friends, seem to be the only ones not fully supporting either of us in our split, although the vast majority tell me that they do not communicate with her to any discernible degree other than occasionally exchanging "Hi's" on FB.

And while they know a little bit of what is actually going on along with some of my legal strategy against her, they do not oblige her, simply by saying that "I just simply refuse to talk about it!"


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Well then thats great. I learn something new as to the level of discernment and consideration you have for me, while eagerly awaiting the opportunity to bend over in support of her, and how accepting you are of her decision to destroy her family with a dooshbag.
> To get emails from some of them talking about missing me and I should come over, etc.etc..
> No one else sees the level of treachery that ended up with me losing half of my life getting to be around my kid? That honor, being handed over to a complete stranger..
> And these "friends" of mine, are ass-up in the air awaiting his acknowledgement of their willingness to "not pick sides".
> ...


“Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find.” 

― William Shakespeare


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

maybe I havent gotten over the wounds enough to be willing to accept their nonchalance about it alll... LOL?


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Nail on head approach. No question about it, I would say the same as everyone hear. "WHO ARE YOU, YOU POS? I could say more, but I believe I would trigger.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

It's easy to be on the outside of a failing relationship and see two people who have never wronged you. This makes it incredibly easy to simply say "hey stuff happens, there both good people who just ran into a bad situation."

As you said, it takes a special kind of friend to discern the destructive nature of infidelity of any kind. It's not something many friends are A: going to understand unless they've been through it themselves and B: going to take action that can put them into the situation directly. Taking sides is almost the same as being in the fight directly for most. 

I never can understand those who stand by cheaters. I've never in my life stood by someone who felt the need to cheat. I couldn't as it goes so starkly against my own ethos on life. What would it say about me if I was able or even capable of supporting someone who would. Much less allow that person to be part of my support network. 

No thanks.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Had a best friend since I was little well maybe not best friends but we hung out and spent time together. He got married at 18 within the year he had fvcked a ***** overseas and was seeing two girls while lying to his wife. Me and the wife got along okay never close but she was a good person. I went over with his brother to see if he was there and he was not but she was. We got to talking and she asked me, and I told her what was going on. I loved my friend but he was doing something I could not condone or be apart of. He never held it against me he knew he was wrong they divorced and he go his stuff together we are still friends to this day. I love my friends but not unconditionally you either are a good person or you are not I don't need that kind of person in my life.

I've had friends who were into some illegal shyte but I never turned them in but that cheating on your wife was crazy. Tell my family the same thing you want an alibi so you can cheat don't call me because I will burn you and not think twice anything else would be a betrayal of MY morals.


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## DecentGuy59 (Apr 27, 2013)

I "HAD" a freind that i met while serving in the Navy. We became very good freinds. I felt just as close to his wife as i did him. Just good people who you never thought would split. Twent years later the wife and i get invited to Seattle to attend a naval retirement ceremony and party. Had a great time, got ripped, saw some old Navy buddys, etc. A year later i get a call from her, in tears, tellin me how he just up and left one day sayin he wanted to start livin his life like he felt. Now my buddy reached the highest level you can acheive enlisted. E-9. You cant do that alone. She was workin it behind the scenes to help him every step of the way. Always the rock, for him. Theres alot more than i feel like writing. But suffice to say he crapped on her every step of the way. She is an awesome woman and didnt deserve it. He called me one day sayin he didnt owe an explanation and as freinds i owed it to him to just take his side and accept it. I took sides alright. Told him to F%^K right off and die, you POS. I talk to her regularly. She is now helping me thru my own special brand of misery for pretty much the same thing.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My friends chose sides. They are friends. I don't have tons of friends as i'm very picky about the quality of people i'll be friends with.

Our " "friends" " chose sides. They chose to be indifferent. I chose not to be "friends" with them any more. I have acquaintance-type friends... The ones who made a choice made it on my side save the ones she was close too.

Our kids on her weekend chose to skip the park and party with her and help me with housework. My sons choose to be with me. I'll take that any day.

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

When my ex was running around with her POS's, I had a complete mixed reaction. A few friends disavowed her, a few remained neutral (and I respected that as they had not been wronged by her personally, but they were disappointed with her) and one blamed me as he thinks if a spouse betrays then it's only because the other was unable to keep them from doing so.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the deal which is unsatisfying to the BS, but is still true.

We, your friends, don't know everything about you. We don't spend that much time with you. Certainly you are unlikely to share the seamy sides of your marriage.

Case in point: Maude seperates from Richard and a few weeks later seen around town with some other dude.

Richard says she is a cheater. He's my friend. He wouldn't lie to me, right?

Maude tells me that she and Richard had been having serious relationship problems. That he was abusive and cold when in private. That she had checked out of her marriage months ago and she finally seperated. Once free, she met Jack and she is looking to see where this new relationship goes.

Maude is my friend. She wouldn't lie to me, right?

Both stories are plausible. Who do I believe? I am not a walking polygraph! Your moral purity does not shine forth from your brow like a halo so I know who is right and who is wrong.

Heck, BOTH stories can be true! Maybe Richard IS a jerk and she IS a cheater. Now you expect me to forgive Richard but not forgive Maude without knowing exactly how abusive Richard was. O...kay....

When you can tell me how I can accurately KNOW, not guess but KNOW, then you have more of a leg to be so dismissive of people in a difficult and low infomation situation.

Which is why I am a big advocate of evidence and exposure.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I absolutely pick sides. It's like reading tam not hard to spot a lying cheater from 20 paces.

I don't associate with cheaters.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

This is all to easy, in my opinion...

You have good friends, that take a bullet for you. And you have friends....th type that are fun and like coming over for dinner parties, where you laugh, drink, and have great fun. Sometimes you even ask them for advise, or give it. 

The latter.."..not picking sides" just translates to..."I have my own **** to deal with in life and don't want this drama"!

I don't think it makes them less of a person. It's just who they are.

Going through an EA or PA as a WS will be the loneliest time of your life.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Difficult one this but only to an extent

Sure not every can be expected to have your experience of being cheated upon and therefore understand the treachery and betrayal involved. You cant blame them for not feeling the same 

However the moment as a friend you tell them, expose exactly what has happened that for me should be enough for them to 'get it' and if they then as in my case decide to give my stbxw 'support' and 'sympathy' then fk them.

Once they know then unfortunately they support validate everything that cheating scumbag has done especially if they 'are there' for them

I see it as if I remain 'friends' with these people they are cheating on me too 

I've lost some really good people over this but frankly if they want to be friends with somebody who has ruined children's lives in multiple families, destroyed marriages as well as her own, lied through their teeth about the facts of what and why these things have happened then they are no longer friends of mine in any way.

They can all rot in their own vat of cheating slime 

I actually do hold all of them part responsible for some of the exes behavior although obviously it's not directly their fault I believe if enough people make you understand how shvte you are being you have an opportunity to think about it and react but my stbew had 'close friends' she could go and it would be "poor you" yet again after hearing about more serial adultery etc etc People who knew me well for 15 years and who knew I could not possibly be like they were being told but like a real cheat they CHOSE to believe someone with a history of lying and mental issues and watch me my kids and other families go through the mincer and they still ended up saying "poor you" to her 

All I can say is you think you know people but even at my age you end up knowing you never quite do - a real eye opener. I dropped all these 'friends' like a stone, and I'm bloody glad I did

Interesting that one of my very best friends allowed himself to get into a position where he thought of cheating on his wife. No matter how close we were I straight away said "when it all goes tits up, like it will, love you as I do, do NOT knock on my door when you are sitting in the pile iof shvte you are about to create. This is one area of life where you will never get a slither of sympathy support or respect from me"

He got annoyed "but we're great friends etc etc" I said "fk off, if you were my son I'd say the same to you - dont ever expect any support or sympathy for deliberately smashing up the lives of wives husbands kids and families from me -ever " 

Another mutual friend said the same to him 

He went away and a few months later we saw him. He thanked us from the bottom of his heart and said "but for you two guys I'd have never have known the gravity of what I was doing, just how much I was going to hurt the closest person to me mother of my two boys" 

Honesty can work - even brutal honesty


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

By tattle-telling on one spouse or the other you are effectively injecting yourself into someone else's marital drama ... drama for which you may not have the whole story for. It's perfectly understandable that a "friend" would choose to stay out of it. Most sane people would.

PS: Who the hell wants to piss off an angry spouse (the one you told on) and have them coming after you? Be real people.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Interesting thread.

At the risk of going off on a tangent, I think that the whole "not choosing sides" things is why exposure is not always the universal panacea it is sometimes held out to be.

The idea of exposure is to deliver a shock to the system of the WS/OM/OW via the disapproval of other people. If other people are so busy "not choosing sides" and saying "well, these things happen - we all just have to accept it and move on" then there is no condemnation, there is no discomfort for the cheaters. Quite the opposite, in fact - they get acceptance, they get comforting messages "at this difficult time" and they get validation of their affair via well meaning "so glad you've found some happiness - you deserve it" messages.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm quite happy to pick sides on their behalf


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I'm quite happy to pick sides on their behalf


Let us hope that you are fully informed then.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

Don't they understand that by knowing about an affair and not saying anything to the bs, that they are taking sides?

If they truly don't wish to take sides they would inform both and then provide support to both. Hiding an affair from a friend isn't "not taking sides".

I'm my case, one mutual friend even talked to my ww about her affair, the gossiped like little teenagers, the friend even asked her thing like "so who seduced who in recent events". Then tried to tell me afterwards that she didn't want to be in the middle of it. Of course she didn't want to be in the middle of it, she clearly chose to be on my ww side, and be able to gossip and ask questions about the affair.

I guess some people just like to live dangerously, but don't actually want the danger, so they live vicariously through others, disregarding any and all negative consequences, since they won't have to deal with the fallout directly when everything comes to light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Onmyway, this is exactly what happened with the close friends of the wife and I. Some where longer term friends with her, that naturally after sixteen years with a person, you come to know and care about.
However, one stand-out thing that comes to mind now that I think about what I had observed between my ex and her long term friends, was to talk about ex's and other men as if they were single and not involved in a marriage. One "friend" even suggested my wife at the time go visit the OM#1 at the bar to "see if anything was there".. True friend no doubt. One that our kids had grown up to 10 years old going to each others b-day parties.. 

I think part of me in the grand scheme of things, is that I was never given any inclination that I had made things bad for my ex.. Suddenly I find out shes seeing someone else, and I go into the mode of wondering what I was doing or not doing to push her away.

Come to find out, she wasnt as deep as that.
It was just good ol' getting busted cheating and running from it, like a kid that put a baseball thru the window, and everyone scatters.

I cant look at some of these people, without knowing they had knowledge of her affair prior to myself. 


Anyways....

I found out its just fine and dandy for me to say "no, thanks".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was not surprised who chose to be on his side and who chose to remain friends with me.

I also decided that I did not want to be friends with anyone who was going to try to swing both ways. I didn't need the agro of info running back and forth and people having parties, and oops, I invited him first so you have to wait and so on.

Life is so much simpler to excise everyone, even those who want to sit on the fence and just move on.


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