# Husband was never attracted to me... What now?



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Me 35, Husband 31. I'm 5'4, 107lbs, and 32D but don't have much of a butt nor a belly. I'm stating my figure in advance so I don't get any reply asking if I've gained weight. I don't work out and my body have stayed the same since we've met 5 years ago, nothing about me have physically changed. 

I've posted previous threads seeking advice on husband just not interested in sex. Thought it was his porn addiction that caused the problem. We worked on that, he tried to stop and I thought our sex life improved while it always felt pretty much like a chore to him. I let that part go since he was at least doing "it". He is very affectionate with holding hand, a kiss here and there everyday, but there is 0 passion.

He rejected me again after weeks gone by without sex, then I forced him to talk about it after almost crying the entire night... then truth came out. He said he went back to porn because stopping it didn't change anything for him. Truth is that he did his own research on his "problem" and realized that I'm just not his type. He said he felt ashamed that he's so shallow, he married me because I was smart and pretty, aka wife material, but the attraction is just not there and didn't think that it was a problem or would affect us until I made it a problem.

Long story short, I asked for honesty and I wanted to know his type. After an hour of hesitation on his end he finally told me his type is a rounder butt and basically tighter breasts... and more toned. (So all of this is not me).

He doesn't want to separate because he insist that sex is not that important in a marriage. I, on the other hand, don't see how 0 intimacy can result is a healthy, lasting marriage. He think I shouldn't want to give up because of this. 

I do love him, and he said he loves me. But I just can't see how this can work in the future. As a woman, and I'm sure all women will agree, even if I can let go of the fact that my husband have 0 interest in me, I will always be insecure in this relationship. And that's not healthy for me or him.

Any feedback will help. The pain is over for me, I just need opinions on what to do since I'm still very lost with this cold harsh truth...


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

What to do? Accept a sexless marriage and grow old and unhappy. Or end the marriage and move on to find a happier life. 
Either way I doubt your pain is over. A divorce is never pleasant but living in a sham marriage is slow death by a thousand little cuts.


----------



## Londoner (Jul 1, 2015)

I'm interested to hear about this one. My wife has never been attracted to me either. She says she loves me (when pushed) and I do love her. I find her really attractive and we have sex about once a month.
A few months ago I said that I don't understand why she won't kiss me (even when we have sex), our intimate moments seem forced on her part. She says that she doesn't like intimacy and she says that she 'has never been a cuddly person'. She actually then went on to say that she has never found anyone attractive, even when she was younger she never looked at people and thought of them as attractive (including movie stars, pop stars...etc.).

The problem is that it kill my self esteem. I have been madly dieting for 2 years now and go to the gym and run every day in an attempt to look more attractive. I am trying my best to be more romantic and show her love and desire but nothing has really changed.

In a way, finding out that she finds nobody attractive makes me feel slightly better about myself (i.e. maybe it isn't me but her) but I find that it is really upsetting, the fact that all of the attraction is one-sided.


----------



## Todd (Jun 13, 2015)

anonymous388, what do you want to do? No husband is perfect, I believe each person has his strengths and weaknesses, and it's a matter of what aspects of him you choose to look at. But if the downside is great, it might be a deal breaker for you. It sounds like not just the sex you are missing out on, but also intimacy, compassion, and yes passion.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Kids? If not, divorce. I never understood how anyone can be so hung up on a specific look or traits that other attractive people who are a little different don't get them aroused. Don't worry, skinn girls with large breasts are very attractive to A LOT of other guys. Just don't have an affair, because I don't want to see your husband come on TAM crying about how his wife could possibly cheat on him... Seriously, you're at a high risk to have an affair.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Well, you could be his beard.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Very sorry you are going through this, you must be hurt pretty bad by this situation. And you have every right to be. But now let me be the first to call BS on this. There is more to this than he is telling you. I don't think there are any men out there who are so hung up on a "type" that they would turn down an attractive willing woman in their marital bed . I mean if you asked me before marriage what my type was I would have said curvy blondes (think Marilyn Monroe). Yet I fell hard for and married a tall, lean brunette who remains after three decades the hottest woman in the world in my eyes. Yet I see all kinds of women as I go about my day in all kinds of demographic groups and as a normal healthy man I start to think........ and then I catch myself. That is almost everyman's experience. Men that like women I mean.
I agree with Plan 9's not so subtle hint to you. Check his bowser history if you are curious. I think you might be shocked at what he is really looking at. But frankly I don't know if I'd waste my time. How do you get over what he said? You guys are newly married. Call your family tell and them you are coming home and you are going to need their help in finding a lawyer. Then leave. Don't spend another night with this lying, shallow, hurtful a%$!
Then when you are free go find a good man to appreciate you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kids or not, divorce.

People who think that sex isn't important in marriage are right. For them, a passionate marriage is no more important than the color of the kitchen appliances.

People who think sex is vital in marriage are right. For them, a passionate marriage is as important as buying a house with a kitchen.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
A truly miserable situation and very likely not in any way your fault. This seems another of the sad HD/LD situations. The low desire person will find endless excuses (in this case that you are "not his type") but really he just doesn't want sex.

Most people who love their partners and who have a healthy interest in sex desire those partners. My wife is in her mid 50s, has had a partial mastectomy, but I still greatly desire her and I expect always will. When I look at her, love makes me see a beautiful desirable woman.

It is unlikely your husband will change. You need to decide what you want to do. I will say though that for many people, not be desired in a marriage is a source of long term resentment and misery. For many people sex is a vital part of love. 

Don't think all marriages are like this. There are plenty of wonderful people who will love you and desire you.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Truth is that *he did his own research* on his "problem" and realized that I'm just not his type.



OMG, seriously? For guys "researching" what type excites them online, the mental stream of consciousness goes something like this:

Ooooh that one!
OMG not anymore, that is it.
meh...
That one is it now! (few seconds later) Meh...
I like this (seminude and now finds full nude) ...yuck...
Holy cow look at that!!! ... Oh, she had to get barbed wire tattooed all over her boobs... nah...
No..
No...
Meh...
Nope...
Un Uh..
OK ... (nah)
meh .... two seconds later ..meh
so on and so on!!!!!

Point is that what excites a man today via porn will be boring tomorrow, then eventually everything will get boring. Take away his porn and he will start noticing you more, albeit he will be a little upset his porn and instant gratification are missing as he will have to learn now how to put forth an effort. Don't mistake that frustration as him not being interested in you, it is just that he has become sexually lazy and overstimulated.

Hope things get better! 

Make him read and use his imagination instead of porn!

Cheers, 
BAdsanta


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm afraid the porn is the problem. No natural woman, no matter how well proportioned can compete with the women in porn. He is addicted and there are consequences. It is like being on drugs.
His talk about not being attracted to you because of your shape etc, is all BS, he was attracted to you when you met and got married, right?

Porn is devastating in some marriages because:
It destroys the trust and intimacy within the husband-wife relationship - many marriages have ended because of it
It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction with one’s spouse and with others.
It stimulates within the porn addict a distorted view of sexuality- in your H's case his view of what the perfect woman is for him

I know some on TAM will say there is nothing wrong with a little porn viewing (to get in the mood, etc etc) but when it interferes with the marriage relationship there is plenty wrong.

You obviously saw it as a problem before, he quit (temporarily), things will not change unless he loves you more than the porn.

Tell him it's you or the porn (atm, he wants both, cake eating time- don't let him).
He might make promises, which he will break, it is up to you to decide what to do then. If he chooses porn, then you know what to do.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous388 said:


> I do love him, and he said he loves me. But I just can't see how this can work in the future.* As a woman, and I'm sure all women will agree*, even if I can let go of the fact that my husband have 0 interest in me, I will always be insecure in this relationship. And that's not healthy for me or him..


There is not one thing that all women would agree on. So don't worry about that. 

What matters is what you need and what you think/feel.

You are a woman with a healthy sex drive. Sex in marriage is not just some a sport .. its about intimacy and bonding and sharing love.

I can tell you what I did.. I divorced. There is no way I'm putting myself through the rejection and hurt that a long-term sexless relationship causes. 

You are probably having a lot of self doubt because we are always told that men just want sex every chanced they can get it. Then here you are with a husband who does not want sex with you. When his happens, most women beat themselves up about it. They feel that they are at fault, not attractive enough, not the right type, etc. 

What we are not told is the truth... that men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. What you are going through is not all that unusual. About 20% of marriages are sexless... sadly. A sexless marriage is considered one in which they have sex 10 or fewer times a year.

Here is a link to a book that discusses the topic of men who withhold sex. It might help you put things in perspective.


Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Further, I do not believe that you are not your husband's type.. except that you are made of flesh and blood and not pixels.

It's not usual for a guy to get hooked on porn. It's just easier. He only has to take care of himself and he can have dozens of women in a short period of time.

Or, as someone suggested, he's using you to cover for his sexual preferences.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If a man tells you he's not attracted to you, it's one thing. But his actions seem to support that he doesn't find you attractive. In this case, without knowing more details, I believe he's being honest. You shouldn't have persisted in knowing his type, because who knows what it really is. He could say one thing to appease you, and then you see him with a girl not his type... And go WTF and just suck yourself into more hurt and mental games. You don't need to create this stress for yourself. Who cares what his type is? You need to sort out what you are going to do. 

The porn may not be THE issue (although it is an issue), as he may or may not be satisfied with any woman or type. He might not be marriage material at all. That's not for you to discover btw, unless you want to waste your years to find out. You have better things to do I hope! 

You should leave him and go find a man that is on fire for you, all of you. I'm sorry that you were deceived but it sounds like he was too, by his own reasoning behind having a good wife vs. an ideal. You couldn't compete with an ideal in the end. I've been there before and the feelings of inadequacy can really take over, but all that does is ruin your self worth and damage you before your next relationship. Don't let that happen, ever.

I could be in the wrong here, but I think he was being honest, so take it for what it is and carry on with your goals.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

anonymous388 said:


> I'm 5'4, 107lbs, and 32D.


Pretty, petite girl with big breasts? You sound EXACTLY like my type. You sure he's only looking at heterosexual porn?



anonymous388 said:


> Long story short, I asked for honesty and I wanted to know his type. After an hour of hesitation on his end he finally told me his type is a rounder butt and basically tighter breasts... and more toned. (So all of this is not me)


Sounds like he's looking for a porn star. Tell him to google a few of his "favorites" without any make up on. It's like taking a cold shower.



anonymous388 said:


> The pain is over for me, I just need opinions on what to do since I'm still very lost with this cold harsh truth...


Unless you're married to Ryan Gosling, I'm sure he's no prime physical specimen. So for him to be so crass... honestly, if you can muster up the courage, dump this chump. You love him even with his flaws but he says he doesn't so why is he wasting your time?

If he's not into you now imagine when your 45 or 55?!? I find it incredibly hard to believe you couldn't find another guy who wouldn't want to give you all the sex you could possibly want.

You're not in a relationship, you're just being used.


----------



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

The "type" is silly. Sure, everyone has a type, but when you love someone, that person is your type. That's just the way it goes. I agree with others, sounds like porn is the problem.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Me 35, Husband 31. I'm 5'4, 107lbs, and 32D but don't have much of a butt nor a belly. I'm stating my figure in advance so I don't get any reply asking if I've gained weight. I don't work out and my body have stayed the same since we've met 5 years ago, nothing about me have physically changed.
> 
> I've posted previous threads seeking advice on husband just not interested in sex. Thought it was his porn addiction that caused the problem. We worked on that, he tried to stop and I thought our sex life improved while it always felt pretty much like a chore to him. I let that part go since he was at least doing "it". He is very affectionate with holding hand, a kiss here and there everyday, but there is 0 passion.
> 
> ...


I think your H is an a$$ and only cares about himself. You want to continue to live like this? And honestly, does your H think you will stay they way you are indefinitely? People age and bodies change. For your H on the other hand can look at young pixel chicks all day on the internet. They never change. Just look for another site with the chick he likes. I would not waste one more second with this self proclaimed shallow person. Have him start researching...for a how to stop porn additions. Honestly, your H likes to play with his tally-whacker to porn. Can he find another past time...like enjoying a marriage?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Get rid of the excess baggage in your life. Life is too short to deal with this anchor. Good riddance to bad rubbish. There is a man out there who will worship the ground you walk on. He probably is watching the porn for the penises.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

"Just not his type? He's not attracted to you?"

I cannot fathom any man saying that to his wife (or visa versa) unless there was intent to hurt them. Or not care about the hurt such a thing may cause just so he could cover up his own shortcomings.

I am certainly not one to jump on the "porn addiction" bandwagon that so many men get labeled with because they look at porn, but your H sounds like he has a problem. He got away from it for a short time, but then returned because he felt it made no difference? I believe he's fooling himself, and I don't believe him. 

Your weight / height proportional, and in all reality that is becoming a RARITY in this day of increasing obesity. Sure, you may not be his type, but you sound attractive. Assuming all else in the marriage is good and he's not harboring some kind of resentment towards you for some reason (maybe you don't treat him well in his mind, your jealous or insecure, etc), I cannot see how a man would not be ready and willing to have sex with you.

I will tell you this. My W is not my type. She is 5'9", with outstanding legs, a very pretty face, but she has no butt, and is a D cup. Two of my favorite things on a woman are b/c cup perky boobs and a nice round firm ass. She has neither. Poor girl forgot to get in the line when they were giving away butts. But she's a very attractive woman, and gets hit on constantly...especially in her job. 

Honestly, I just try to focus on parts of her that are very attractive to me. Okay, so this may not be a very politically correct response, and I'm sure I could be blasted for not finding all things about the woman I love attractive. But I'm being honest for the sake of a real response to your post.

God only knows what kind of list she could bust out on me if she were asked! Face it, she's not my Jessica Alba, and I am not her Mathew McConaughey. So we are not each others "ideals". But we're awesome together, and that is 95% of it. Only a fool let's go of a 95% deal in search of the 100% deal, because they're likely to wind up with nothing. 

Is she my perfect "dream package"? No. But here's the "whole package deal" she does have going for her that I've not found with ANY other woman I've been with, and doubt I ever could again:

Intelligent
Faithful
Funny
Completely not jealous
Completely not b1tchy
Does not give me crap about hanging with the guys or doing my own thing
Good mother to her children and mine (all grown though)
Great conversationalist (she picks up the slack with me being somewhat reserved)
Outgoing
Great, well paying job (we both do pretty damn well)
We're politically compatible
She's extraordinarily easy to live with
We love living together
She loves me to death

As for the sex:
A healthy desire for sex. Even if it wanes at times, it's not hard to get back on track.
A desire to please me
Likes giving bj's
Has multiple orgasms easily
Rockin' legs an 18 year old would be jealous of
Sexually adventurous...if I do my part and get her to let go a little

What I'm not so in love with:
Her bigger, not so firm boobs
Her flat butt
Her belly (after 3 kids)

But, you know what, she's not 20 anymore. And neither am I.

Sure, looking at hot 20-somethings in porn horns me up. But, so does the thought of amazing sex with my amazing woman.

For a while I went through a period where I think I was bordering on a porn problem, and it started to affect us. I stopped, with a rare exception here and there. Things improved a good deal. I'm also not 20 anymore, and there is a certain amount of familiarity (aka possible boredom) sleeping with the same person year in and year out. In my 20's or 30's it was not a problem. Now? Now I realize I'm older and my "recovery" period isn't so good anymore, and I need to be into it far more mentally that at times in the past. I've just simply had to forgo daily masturbation (often accompanied by porn) if I'm going to be able to get my mind into it (her) and perform well with her in bed. That's the possibly brutal, somewhat painfully honest truth. 

She cannot realistically compete with someone half her age, and who is physically my "type". So I decided I will not make her.

Sure, I still look at porn occasionally for a little "spice". But never to a point where I feel it lessens my desire for her. I have learned, and in my older age I have found it can be a fine line.

And I guarantee, that after a week of no porn, and no masturbation, I am ready to jump her bones every chance I get. 

All things in moderation. It appears he is not moderating himself. 

I love her greatly. That love is what drives my desire for her sexually. Not a perfect set of boobs or an ass. 

I'd be a FOOL to let this one go just because my dream physical package woman came along. Because, here's the thing....any such woman could not possibly be the amazing partner this one is for me. 

Assuming there is nothing else going on in the relationship, your H is a fool. And with his statements I'm betting he has done irreparable harm to your self confidence and relationship.

I'm also betting that if you dumped him immediately, that in a few months he'd be falling all over himself to have sex with you again. Especially after he got a sampling of what is really out there versus what is "out there" on his computer screen.

He's got A TON of work to do to fix this with you. Step one is giving up the porn. And again, I don't go for the "porn addiction" bandwagon stuff very often...but he seems to pretty clearly have an issue. Until he corrects that, you, and your relationship is going to suffer.

Sex is not that important to a relationship? Tell him that's fine for him if that's how he feels, but it is vitally important in a relationship for you. Either he gets it together, or you will leave him. Same exact opinion I'd express (and often have) when the roles are reversed. Life is simply too short to live with the frustration of a sexless relationship. I can find a sometimes slightly annoying roommate who I get along with and live with, and who I have to make personal sacrifices for and share costs of living with anywhere. Without a loving sexual relationship, that's what you've got. Without the closeness and bonding a good sexual relationship gives a couple, all other aspects of the relationship simply fade.

You are young, well built, and attractive. Assuming you're also otherwise a good "catch", do not settle for someone who believes you are not a good catch. You've got more than enough time to start over and find someone who will appreciate ALL of you, even if all of you is not "their type".

And you know what, you WILL be someone's type, lol. Most guys LOVE a big rack! My buddies personally think I'm nuts that I am able to not constantly walk around with my hands permanently attached to my W's boobs.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Guys who are not into sex with their wives never get better. Wives maybe. Husband, never. It will NEVER get better. Divorce now or forever hold your peace because YOU are choosing to stay in this relationship.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Divorce him. His porn addiction and your insecurities have left you vulnerable to an affair and the more this continues, the more the resentment towards your husband will build and the greater the temptation to cheat will become. If this happens, the divorce will come but not without a greater amount of devastation than if you made the choice to divorce him today.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> Guys who are not into sex with their wives never get better. Wives maybe. Husband, never. It will NEVER get better. Divorce now or forever hold your peace because YOU are choosing to stay in this relationship.


This is mostly true. My porn addiction (in part) caused me to neglect my wife for the better part of three years. I put it down and set about to bring our relationship from the brink. Likely an exception rather than the rule, but it did happen nonetheless.

Your husband has a choice to make, OP; you or the porn. He does not have the ability to keep both. 

You have to be strong enough to both force the choice, and to accept his decision, as hard as not choosing you may be.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

Are you considering having kids? Please don't have kids until you can resolve this situation. I would have left my H already (totally different situation) if it weren't for the kids, and even now I am trying to get things in order to leave him. But with kids it is just so much more complicated. 

My sister just divorced her husband. They have no kids. My sister is GORGEOUS. Looks like a movie star. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'5", 105 lbs. perfect figure. And she is very smart, well-educated, makes 6 figures at her corporate job. But her H did not want to have sex anymore and refused to go to counseling or work on his problems. They did not have sex for probably 9 years. So she gave him a mental time limit. She didn't tell him this. Decided that after one year, if he had not done anything to change things, she would leave. And she did. And guess what? She is SOOOOO happy now. She was alone for a while and then found another person who is just totally in love with her. 

My H once told me he "just didn't desire me anymore" and then rented and apartment and left. But that lasted about a week before he came crawling back. Turns out, his "desire" is based on whether or not we have sex daily. If we don't, he begins to get resentful and angry and then "loses his desire". And he says that is why he had an affair. 

(Are you sure your H isn't seeing someone else? Maybe I'm just too cynical and jaded now.)

I'm not saying my situation is at all like yours, but I am saying that I know exactly how much it hurts when someone says they just don't desire you. I know how much it hurts to constantly be compared to others and feel like you are falling short of an unattainable ideal. Because that is what I feel like every day. I've been married 20 years and have felt that way for a long time, and my self-esteem and confidence in myself have suffered immensely. Please do not put yourself through that for any longer than you have to.


----------



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Thank you all for your support and feedback. I truly appreciate them and it has helped me a great deal in considering how to move forward at this point.

Btw, thank you @badsanta, I always get a chuckle out of your response. 



Satya said:


> If a man tells you he's not attracted to you, it's one thing. But his actions seem to support that he doesn't find you attractive. In this case, without knowing more details, I believe he's being honest.....
> 
> The porn may not be THE issue (although it is an issue), as he may or may not be satisfied with any woman or type. He might not be marriage material at all. That's not for you to discover btw, unless you want to waste your years to find out. You have better things to do I hope!


I brought up separation, he actually said he doesn't want to separate and ask for us to stay together while wanting me to accept and move on with the fact that he already knew he wasn't attracted to me when he asked me to marry him. 



BetrayedDad said:


> You love him even with his flaws but he says he doesn't so why is he wasting your time?
> 
> If he's not into you now imagine when your 45 or 55?!?.


Exactly why I just want to give up now. 



farsidejunky said:


> This is mostly true. My porn addiction (in part) caused me to neglect my wife for the better part of three years. I put it down and set about to bring our relationship from the brink. Likely an exception rather than the rule, but it did happen nonetheles.


I wish my husband realizes this as his issues. But when I talked to him, he made it clear that since there wasn't the attraction when we got married, porn is not the problem.

My self esteem and self confidence hit rock bottom in the past year, like all of you mentioned, along came jealousy, resentment, etc. Its a great relieve now because I finally feel that my self esteem is only low when I'm with him. I hate the person I am when I'm with my H now. Whether it is porn related or not, I'm too tired to even force him to stop anything. What good does it do when he doesn't see it as an issue no matter how I explain to him, and I become this demanding bitxx that I would hate to see.


----------



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@donny64, thank you for sharing your story. Your story is a reminder to me what a true marriage is and what I thought I had.


----------



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I just don't understand how a man can ask someone to marry him if he knew that he wasn't physically attracted to that person even prior to the proposal?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

anonymous388 said:


> I just don't understand how a man can ask someone to marry him if he knew that he wasn't physically attracted to that person even prior to the proposal?


He is lieing! He was attracted to you at one time. The porn has changed him.

You need to leave him. That is the only way. He thinks you will stay forever and you will accept him treating you this way.

You deserve so much more! Get out and in time you will be much happier.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> Guys who are not into sex with their wives never get better. Wives maybe. Husband, never. It will NEVER get better. Divorce now or forever hold your peace because YOU are choosing to stay in this relationship.


On the contrary, I was horrible when it came to sex with my W. So bad I did not know how bad she was feeling. Once I figured out the pain I was causing I became a sexual dynamo. I find much excitement and looking forward to sex with my W. H can change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If sex was not important to him....he would not be jerking off to pork. He is full of horse shot! He is telling you a like of crap. You need to put an end to this and find someone who wants and appreciates you. 

My wife was at your exact dimensions when we married...unless you're a guy who likes the big girls or men, you are every mans type! He is trying to throw you off. My wife left her serial cheating ex after 10 yrs of marriage. Now she says she would go through it all again to get to me. You need to find the man who loves you like Christ loved the church.


----------



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

anonymous388 said:


> Me 35, Husband 31. I'm 5'4, 107lbs, and 32D but don't have much of a butt nor a belly. I'm stating my figure in advance so I don't get any reply asking if I've gained weight. I don't work out and my body have stayed the same since we've met 5 years ago, nothing about me have physically changed.
> 
> I've posted previous threads seeking advice on husband just not interested in sex. Thought it was his porn addiction that caused the problem. We worked on that, he tried to stop and I thought our sex life improved while it always felt pretty much like a chore to him. I let that part go since he was at least doing "it". He is very affectionate with holding hand, a kiss here and there everyday, but there is 0 passion.
> 
> ...


I'll go ahead and echo what a bunch of people have said in this thread and give you my personal experience. This problem is on him-- total porn addiction. Same sort of thing happened in my marriage.

My wife and I always had a pretty good sex life. Frequency had never been an issue for us. However about 2 years ago, I felt I was losing interest in her and possibly, she's was not as into me. I mean, we still went at it, but it just seemed we weren't connecting and it wasn't as satisfying. I was watching a lot of porn, by myself, at night, after my wife was asleep.

For me, all that sensory overload, was really clouding my vision of reality and of her. I was convincing myself that maybe I wasn't that attracted to her, that I didn't think she was pretty (Although, I never said/or would have said anything to her about this), etc... I was seriously in a cloud. Which makes no sense, because my wife is a total hottie-- a very natural one, she never wears much make-up, just looks good. My boss makes borderline inappropriate comments about her looks, my good friend mentions how lucky I am, how she looks 30yrs old, but is actually 40 yrs old, etc...

In April, I made the decision to just flat out quit watching any Porn. Best thing I've done for me and my wife, in awhile.. And she never even knew I was watching that much porn. 

Now, I do realize how lucky I am to have this hot woman, who loves me 100%, with me. Listening to my friends complain about their lack of sex, BJ's, etc... from their SO's reinforces how lucky I am, and that quite possibly, my wife is a freak - in a good way... I was in a fog, but am glad I was able to see out of the other side.

This is your H's issue (and by proxy yours, since it is affecting you). Don't buy that lame-a** comment that he wasn't/or isn't attracted to you or that you aren't his type. I guarantee he was/is attracted to you when you were married. Your measurements are similar to my wife's - same height/weight, but she is a 32B, with more junk in the trunk. Your measurements are bordering on dream girl status for a huge portion of males in the world. That's what makes his statements really ridiculous.

For your sake, since you say you truly love him, I really hope you guys can find some way to work it out. If he doesn't snap out of his funk, and loses you, he's is going to realize way to late he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I was on the same road for awhile, without even knowing it. I would have been absolutely devastated, if I had lost someone who loved me so deeply over something as trivial as porn...


----------



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Tito Santana said:


> For me, all that sensory overload, was really clouding my vision of reality and of her. I was convincing myself that maybe I wasn't that attracted to her, that I didn't think she was pretty (Although, I never said/or would have said anything to her about this), etc... I was seriously in a cloud. Which makes no sense, because my wife is a total hottie-- a very natural one, she never wears much make-up, just looks good. My boss makes borderline inappropriate comments about her looks, my good friend mentions how lucky I am, how she looks 30yrs old, but is actually 40 yrs old, etc...
> 
> In April, I made the decision to just flat out quit watching any Porn. Best thing I've done for me and my wife, in awhile.. And she never even knew I was watching that much porn.


 @Tito Santana - Thank you for sharing your story. May I ask what made you realize that you needed to change since your wife didn't even know that you were watching porn? And I'm assuming that she never brought it on to you that there was a problem?

As much as many are telling me to divorce my H, I love him a great deal and he's such a good man in many ways, I really don't want to lose him. But it seems like the more I stress on this matter to him, the more he is against that quitting porn would make any difference. 

Matter of fact, the more I try to communicate and talk to him about understanding intimacy, the more he's giving me the "rolling his eyes" look and backfiring at me telling me that I just have so many problems and constantly upset about something, and his lost of interest in me "might have" started there. I tried to explain to him that recalling past years of "complaints," it was mostly due to his actions or lack of actions leaving me not feeling loved and wanted due to the lack of intimacy and connection. Then he said he used to care about how I feel until he just numb himself and begin blocking out my problems. So it seems like he doesn't even care to make any changes, then he ended the conversation with "if you can move past this problem we will be fine."

I started to recall all the problems I brought up to him in the past years, few example such as he stopped kissing me before he sleep, he stopped helping with chores, he was spending both time and money more into his hobby than me, sex with me felt like a chore to him and some jealousy with girls he know.... though it took me awhile to figure out that these are all "problems" due to his lack of interest in me and the connection / bonding from intimacy that was lacking. 

As much as I want to save this marriage I feel like he's just in his own "cloud". I'm really trying hard to just drop any complaints and be at peace with him but its quite difficult knowing that the chances of us reconnecting would be impossible as long as he turn his needs to porn. 

Any suggestions on how to fix this on my end with how he's reacting now? Approaching him with this issue will most likely damage our relationship even more


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Semi blind post.

Marriage is a two way street. You can't fix it if he's set on doing nothing. So, I would think of ways to make him interested in fixing it. If he's a good guy, and cares about you, you have a chance. If he's selfish, and cares about himself over you... then you have a big problem.

Are you typically a highly sensitive person? If so, it could be that your frequent offended or emotional state has made him numb to your feelings. Kind of like the boy who cried wolf. If thats not the case, why not ask him why he's become numb to your feelings? Ask him if there something your doing, that makes him need to withdraw.

If all of the above falls through, you could consider making this his problem. I'm not sure if its the best idea, but if you begin to make it painful for him to keep being selfish, he might change. Selfish people are like children, and they sometimes have to be treated as such (e.g. punishing him till he learns being selfish is a no-no).


----------



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

anonymous388 said:


> @Tito Santana - Thank you for sharing your story. May I ask what made you realize that you needed to change since your wife didn't even know that you were watching porn? And I'm assuming that she never brought it on to you that there was a problem?
> 
> As much as many are telling me to divorce my H, I love him a great deal and he's such a good man in many ways, I really don't want to lose him. But it seems like the more I stress on this matter to him, the more he is against that quitting porn would make any difference.
> 
> Any suggestions on how to fix this on my end with how he's reacting now? Approaching him with this issue will most likely damage our relationship even more


Unfortunately, he's going to have to realize he is the issue. If doesn't recognize/or want to admit porn is the problem, it's going to be hard for you to make him believe it. He needs to do some self evaluation. However, it sounds like he is just getting defensive.

On my end, our sex life didn't fully suffer. My wife probably had a little bit of an inkling, but she is a very positive person, who really doesn't like failure. Consequently, I think she may have been glossing over it, or in slight denial about the state of our relationship, and what I was doing. She did mention I was less affectionate overall, and she felt I was not as in to her, as I had been. She never challenged me, though. It really took an unprompted look at myself and some comments from friends (as well as her's), etc... to get me going. Why was I feeling not attracted to my good looking wife? Why was I feeling like I wasn't getting enough sexually? (Even though my wife is pretty liberal in the bedroom). I just came to the conclusion that watching too much Porn was the issue. I'm not even sure I had a huge addiction, but it was just enough to cause issues.

As far as your problem. Your guy is gong to have to admit he is at the root of the problem. It's hard to fix something when someone doesn't think there is an issue. Keep at it, though. If you give up on it, and accept it, you'll just become more miserable and resentful in the long run. I wish you luck, and I hope you can resolve it.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Yup, the symptom you are presently worrying about is lack of sex, which he blames on his lack of attraction to you, and you are blaming on his porn habit. However, the underlying 'disease' is his lack of respect for you and connection with you. From what you describe, he won't pull his weight around the house, he dismisses your unhappiness and thinks that all the problems will be solved if you just shut up about them. This doesn't really sound like a man who has any interest in his wife's well-being, just his own.

What is it exactly that you still love about him? Do you actually love the man you HAVE or are you in love with some sort of ideal man that you THINK he could become?

Because he's probably not going to change or ever become that man. You can't change him. He can only change himself and he really doesn't seem to want to.


----------



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> This doesn't really sound like a man who has any interest in his wife's well-being, just his own.
> 
> What is it exactly that you still love about him? Do you actually love the man you HAVE or are you in love with some sort of ideal man that you THINK he could become?
> 
> Because he's probably not going to change or ever become that man. You can't change him. He can only change himself and he really doesn't seem to want to.


 @Hopeful Cynic, I still love him because he was a sensitive, loving and caring guy for about the first 2.5 years of our relationship. I don't know if his priorities have changed since he started "disconnecting" or since I kept raising the problem of missing connection.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Anonymous, I tell guys all the time that they should never stay married to a woman who just "settled" for them and never had any real sexual or physical attraction to them. And I give you the same advice. 

No one wants to think of themselves as the booby prize. That is a terrible way to live your life. You deserve a man who lusts for you and desires you and thinks you are the most beautiful creature he has ever seen...and hopefully you will see him in the same light.


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Anonymous How are you? Any update on things?


----------



## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

anonymous388 said:


> @Hopeful Cynic, I still love him because he was a sensitive, loving and caring guy for about the first 2.5 years of our relationship. I don't know if his priorities have changed since he started "disconnecting" or since I kept raising the problem of missing connection.



Why do you assume that the "sensitive, loving and caring guy was the "real" him?
Too may get suckered into relationships by people who put on their best side for a while at the start, and later revert to who they really are, once comfy in a relationship.

NO "sensitive, loving and caring" guy is going tell his wife that he was NEVER attracted to her. Who on earth does that? Why would he choose to hurt you deeply?
So forget that cute little story going on in your head. 
I guess that "lovely" guy is never coming back, what you have now is the real him.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I would bet that a porn obsession is behind the husband's lack of desire. He obvisouly desired her at one time unless he was a low sex rank guy who settled for an older woman. 

Even though OP is low weight, I would recommend that she work out to tighten up and boost her self esteem. Whether she stays in marriage or divorces, a tight sexy body is desired by all men. Skinny fat is not healthy or sexy.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> A truly miserable situation and very likely not in any way your fault. This seems another of the sad HD/LD situations. The low desire person will find endless excuses (in this case that you are "not his type") but really he just doesn't want sex.


I want to agree with this, but I lived through something similar in my previous marriage. However I won't quite disagree, either.

My ex wife, when all was said and done, also told me she was never physically attracted to me. Unlike the OP, I didn't get a chance to ask her what her type was.

The difference, however, was that my ex wife did show her sexuality with me throughout (most) of our marriage. She would initiate sex almost as often as I, but the kicker was that our sex life really wasn't very good. Even though she initiated sex on any given day, she barely participated, and wasn't "there", if you know what I mean. Yet she continued to initiate and want sex. This did not occur just at the end of our marriage, this was a constant for about the last 12 years, so I can't quite chalk it up to covering for her affair(s). The first 2 years, we were quite adventurous, and sex was what it was "supposed" to be.

Now, I obviously have no knowledge of her sex life post-marriage, or with her new husband, so it could have gone either way - which is why I can't agree or disagree.

It's possible that what she said in regards to me was true, and now she's enjoying a proper sex life. It's also just as possible that the initial honeymoon period ended, like it did for us, and she's back having the same boring, quick sex she and I did for all those years.

All this to say that my ex wife clearly wasn't attracted to me, yet stayed with me for many years, but she DID initiate sex (however uninterested she was during sex) and also masturbated. This doesn't indicate that she was LD at all. I find it difficult to believe she faked interest for as long as she did, so I make the assumption that she WANTED sex, and I was the only one available, so it was better than nothing at all. But if she's fallen back into the same patterns with her current husband, then it certainly does indicate something out of the ordinary.

So the reality is that OP will likely never know her husbands true feeling towards her, or towards sex. Perhaps what he says about not being physically attracted to her is 100% true (though I, personally, find that difficult to believe. Neither my ex wife nor my current wife have what I think of as my "ideal" body, yet I still find/found them very sexually attractive).

Physical attractiveness is very secondary, in a loving, healthy relationship. Instead of "beer goggles", you get "love goggles". Given that OP says she hasn't physically changed since she met her husband, it's more likely something else has diminished his attraction to her. And although she gave a very general description of herself, she certainly does not sound unattractive.

To sum up, I blame porn, and the fact that whatever hubby is watching is giving him a negative view of his wifes physical traits. And in the end, it's his loss, not hers.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badaboom said:


> The "type" is silly. Sure, everyone has a type, but when you love someone, that person is your type. That's just the way it goes. I agree with others, sounds like porn is the problem.


This x100

My type is petite, hippy, some baby fat, smaller breasts, round butt, blond, great smile, girl next door type. (see: Kelly Clarkson)

My ex wife was 5'0, 100lbs, huge boobs for her frame, jet black hair, dark eyes, flat butt, barely-there hips, and smiled only on special occasions.

My current wife is 5'7, voluptuous, medium sized boobs, sandy blond hair, and was over 200lbs when I met her (much less now).

I am, or was, just as attracted to them as I would be if they looked like Kelly Clarkson, and I wouldn't have traded them in for her if I had the chance.

Why? Love.

I've never dated or slept with a woman who fits my "type". Sure, one or two pieces here or there (my wife has awesome hips and a great round butt, my ex wife was petite). I love small boobs, no idea why, and I've never been with someone who had less than a c-cup, or a bigger b. Am I missing out? I don't think so, and I have no interest in finding out!


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jsmart said:


> Even though OP is low weight, I would recommend that she work out to tighten up and boost her self esteem. Whether she stays in marriage or divorces, a tight sexy body is desired by all men. Skinny fat is not healthy or sexy.


Really? Fix herself, in order to make her be more attractive to guys like you? That's your solution?

You're echoing what her husband is telling her: that she's not good enough because of her body. But you're going one step further and advising her to "fix" it, because that's what "all men" desire.

You sir, are not "all men".


----------



## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

alexm said:


> The difference, however, was that my ex wife did show her sexuality with me throughout (most) of our marriage. She would initiate sex almost as often as I, but the kicker was that our sex life really wasn't very good. Even though she initiated sex on any given day, she barely participated, and wasn't "there", if you know what I mean.


My guess is that someone once told her that married men need regular sex and she was perhaps merely fulfilling her job requirement as a wife.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

You just described a 31yr old adolescent....move on and find someone who appreciates you for you, as you are...his loss...


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

inhope said:


> My guess is that someone once told her that married men need regular sex and she was perhaps merely fulfilling her job requirement as a wife.


Nah, it wasn't like that. It was weird, especially in retrospect. There was no faking going on when she showed her interest - she really did want to have sex. It's just that once it got started, it was starfish all the way.

A couple of points - she had bad TMJ (lockjaw), so oral sex was not possible. The last time she did it, her jaw locked open for 10 or 15 minutes). She had an extremely sensitive clitoris (like painfully so), so oral sex on her was not possible. When she masturbated (something she started doing after I was done, so that she could finish, but she also did on her own) she used a small vibrator on her labia over her clit, or sometimes used a towel or simply over her clothing, as directly on her clit would hurt. She was on the small side, vaginally, and I was not a good fit for her, so lots of lubrication was required, and I also couldn't go very deep (cervix). She also had bad hips which would occasionally pop out, so her on top was not a good option.

Lots of excuses, but generally legit. We were just not a good sexual/physical match.

But she definitely still wanted it or had the desire for sex. I guess the issue was that once it got going, it just didn't work for her (or for me, really), but the desire was still there.


----------

