# My Marriage is Probably Over. Im very sad



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I have been married for 14 years, together for 19 with three girls of 5,10,12.

It has been a good marriage, but it has had ups and downs. Most of the downs have come from my behaviour.I have addiction issues, and got off drugs in 2005, and have been clean since then. Apart from alcohol, and sometimes a bit of weed.

The other main issues have been that my wife is not a good communicator, financial issues, which are intensified in that all our income comes from our business that we both work in, and my wife's reluctance to budget effectively. Our business is relatively successful, although the recession has made things very tough. Last issue of conflict has been around the children, and that I find my wife enabling, and not fostering independence in the children.

I have a number of issues. I have been depressed, I have serious issues around money, in that I don't care for it that much, am more of a social entrepreneur than a money motivated one, and as a result I handed all financial issues in our family and business to my wife. I was on antidepressants, but my wife told me it was a sign of weakness, a waste of money, and I went off them.

It would also appear that I have anger issues, but I will tell more further along.

I have poor coping skills with life, and hence my addiction issues.

I started drinking again a few years ago but lately it has been spiraling again. 

A few nights back, after we had been out, my kids did something small and somehow i snapped. I had some kind of mental lapse or something. I shouted and screamed. I was abusive to my wife (no physical contact) and my kids were there. All three of them. Apparently it lasted 10 minutes. I thought it was like 1 minute. My kids were crying, my wife was telling me to get a grip, and I just ranted. After calling my wife a money grabbing biatch (which she is not!) I left the house.

Apparently our neighbour came to see if my family was okay. So it must have been LOUD.

And yes, I had been drinking. I have been drinking so much on weekends and evenings, I am not even sure anymore when I am drunk or sober.

Rock Bottom!

A few months ago, at a board meeting of an NGO I set up, I had a similar mental lapse. I was sober (it was daytime) and I took a very dear friend and colleague on, and shouted and screamed - at a board meeting. SOoooo out of character. So unprofessional. I mended that, was disciplined by my board etc.

Seems I am more of a mess than I thought.

After the night of idiocy my wife told me very calmly and very coldly that it was now definitely over. She grew up with an abusive father, and vowed never to expose her children to that.

She appears to be very serious about this. It will be a huge thing, for the business, the children etc. She will move far away with the children to her family. 

I am still at home, sleeping in a spare room outside.

Last night I addressed my children, apologized, and tried to discuss it (my abuse) with them. They said they felt physically threatened, my 5 year old said "Yes, and the neighbor came to check on us" and the oldest said "I don't care. Its over"

I am deeply ashamed.

I have stopped drinking and all substances. I have done this before, and I will do a day at a time. I have not said to anyone I will stop. I just will.

I am starting to exercise again.

I desperately need IC, but money is so tight. But with what I save on booze, I can maybe go once a month or so.

So I think its over. I am devastated. I live for my family. I am home with them on weekends, we do family stuff. We have a nice house that allows for friends to come over. I will loose all of this.

I also love my wife. Last week was our 14 year anniversary. Since my wifes brief ea last year, we have both been putting effort into the marriage. I got a lovely card with expressions of love from her. She says she will never forgive me for traumatizing our children, and that in her heart something just switched off for me.

So I have to own this. I am calm and compliant at home. I ask for nothing, and help where I can. My kids are still hugging me, and carrying on as usual. 

Question:

How do I deal with this incident with my children. They had little to say when we spoke about it.I have damaged the relationship. Will this be a scar on their lives forever?

If their is any possible way to keep my family together, I want that. But my wife is cold as ice to me. We are not really talking, just sharing space. I accept that. My thought is to stay out of her way, and start to sort my emotional **** out. Something is wrong with me. I need to find out what.

But I think its over. She told me " You are 42 years old. When you going to stop being so pathetic and sort your stuff out. When I met you you were together. What happened to you. I regret ever marrying you, and hate that you are the father of my children" 

Ouch


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds as though you are stepping in the right direction. However, your wife is not blameless in all of this. Some of her comments seem cruel and manipulative.

You and your wife could benefit from counseling, but I understand about the expense. Some therapist will do reduced rate sessions for people without financial means. Church is also a great place to find help. Some ministers are also licensed therapist. Also, it can be a good place to find support and encouragement.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

*Re: My Marriage is Probablmory Over. Im very sad*

OP I really hate to say this but you sound exactly like my 38 year old cousin when he had a brain tumor, especially the part about the board meeting. I hope not but have you thought about a neurology visit?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

"I have stopped drinking and all substances. I have done this before, and I will do a day at a time. I have not said to anyone I will stop. I just will."

You cant do this alone. Get to AA.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Children tend to be pretty forgiving, especially when you own up, acknowlege what you did wrong, and apologize.

But you still have a long row to hoe. Focus on sorting yourself out. You may not be able to save your marriage, but you desperately need to save yourself.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. 

I sincerely hope I dont have neurological issues, but I doubt it. The two incidents were 6 months apart. 

As for AA, I spent about 5 years in NA and AA. I know how it works, when meetings are, so yeah, its an option.

I have a sneaking suspicion my wife is ready to use this incident as the perfect exit strategy, blaming me for being an abusive bastard who damages "her" children. She is concerned about how people see her.

My children will hopefully forgive me, unless I dont change my behaviour.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

oddball said:


> I have a sneaking suspicion my wife is ready to use this incident as the perfect exit strategy, blaming me for being an abusive bastard who damages "her" children. She is concerned about how people see her.


Why do you feel this way? Your marriage was troubled before the incident. Your wife had an affair.

Forget about playing the blame game. If your marriage ends, you are both at fault. Your wife should never have played doctor (unless she is one) & made you feel bad about taking meds for your depression.

Your children will forgive you if you choose to lead a sober life & get your anger issues under control. I agree with the other poster that said you need AA or some other recovery program to stop drinking. Most cannot stop on their own although many think they can only to relapse over & over again.

Remember, your marriage is not officially over until a divorce is final. There is always the possibility of salvaging it if you do the hard work on yourself.

Good luck. Anger destroyed my first marriage of 22 years & I would rather be alone than be married to an angry man.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I have a sneaking suspicion my wife is ready to use this incident as the perfect exit strategy, blaming me for being an abusive bastard who damages "her" children. She is concerned about how people see her."


If this is how you are seeing it, then she really does need to leave you. This shows your lack of empathy and understanding of her reality. Which would be the perfect landscape for you to continue your abuse within. Your wife most certainly knows that you aren't going to change and the end has come. It is that simple. If you can't see that, you need more help than you think.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I have a sneaking suspicion my wife is ready to use this incident as the perfect exit strategy, blaming me for being an abusive bastard who damages "her" children. She is concerned about how people see her."
> 
> 
> If this is how you are seeing it, then she really does need to leave you. This shows your lack of empathy and understanding of her reality. Which would be the perfect landscape for you to continue your abuse within. Your wife most certainly knows that you aren't going to change and the end has come. It is that simple. If you can't see that, you need more help than you think.


This is a very harsh analysis Faithful Wife. I am not continually abusive. This is the first time the word abusive has been used in relation to my behaviour. I have also showed the ability to change and stick to it in my marriage in the past.

All that said, perhaps my own fear of loosing my wife and family are blinding my ability to be empathetic. I appreciate the the comment, hard as it may be.

I have just returned from a work dinner. My wife is talking to me. This is good. Just platonic stuff, but at least she is talking to me.

If I wish to make progress, I will need to be very careful about how and what I say. I certainly do not want her to think I dont care, but also don't want to be weak and whiney.

I appreciate the comments. Some are hard to hear. Thank you


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

@ Emerald

Its not the blame game, if my marriage ends, its because I have behaved poorly. Her EA was shortlived, and she certainly owned it, and made it up to me through appropriate actions and transparency.

If she leaves, its because of my inability to meet her needs. And my substance abuse issues.

Like I said in a previous post, I have been the AA route. Its possible I will go back, but i did find the 13th stepping and the cliches of AA and NA frustrating. AA and NA are only as strong as the people who make it up. I do not live in the USA and where I live, many groups are plagued by an inability to rack up significant clean time.

At the moment, I am trying to find an IC with a good grip on addiction. Having said that, I have not been in the rooms for several years, so it may have changed.

My anger issues are where the real demon lies I think.

Thanks again


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You've been drinking or using drugs for your entire marriage, choosing those substances over your wife, yet you think you have not been abusive other than this one incident?

You are quite wrong there.


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