# my wife recently staying out very late with girlfriend



## dividedi

My wife's best friend just ended a relationship of 9 years and is newly single. Once my wife's friend became single they started hanging out more and more. I didnt mind it at first becuase they would do daytime stuff together. But recently they have been going out together every weekend, eihter friday or saturday night till very late, often not making it home to after midnight, or even 2-3am. I see this more as behavior of a single person, not a married woman. I talked to my wife about this and told her how i feel, even said i am not trying to tell her to limit here time with her friend, i just dont think she should be going out till wee hours of the morning with a single woman. my wife says i am being controlling and trying to limit the amount of time i spend with her friend, which is important to her. I am being controlling by asking my wife to spend her time with her friend during the day, and not the wee hours of the night?

My wife works a monday-friday work week and i work 6 days a week, so often friday and saturday night are our only times to spend quality time with each other. The weeks get so hectec that i would hardly call those weekday nights quality time. My wife also says i am being selfish because i spend my sundays (my only non working day) doing my hobbies, fishing, shooting, baseball. However i am home each night to spend with her. I figure that all day saturday, while i am working, or all day sunday, are plent of time to find time to spend with her friend, and the nights are for us to spend time together. She says i am being selfish because i am making her schedule her time with her friend around my schedule. 

Anyways, just looking for some idependent thoughts/ advice on the isssue. thanks


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## PaGuy

I hear what your saying, girl time is important though, as is guy time to you. I personally, don't have an issue with my wife going out late, and coincidentally a divorced friend at that, but its not every weekend. Do you have doubts on what she is doing ? Have you talked to her about maybe limit it to once a week ?


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## inmygut

"You are controlling" is something cheaters say. Have there been any change in her behavior towards you? Any distance or coldness? Have you gained weight, let yourself go? Newly single people can be toxic to the relationships to their married friends.
Investigate cell phone, email usage. Use a GPS to track location. Show up at the club at midnight to see what's going on. Going out every Friday and Saturday without a spouse is single person behavior.
VERY IMPORTANT- Read about manning up and setting boundaries. You cannot control her, but you CAN control what you will and will not accept in a relationship.


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## Shaggy

It's not controlling to be wary of what your wife is up to when she is hanging out with a newly single woman and going to bars until closing. Obviously the friend is looking to meet guys and she is using your wife as a wingman. 

the problem is that what is your wife doing while the GF is chatting and dancing with guys? Obviously she is chatting and dancing too.

and that's where the boundary is being crossed. It's not that she's spending time that's the big issue, it's that she's spending time in bar being chatted up by guys and hanging with a single friend who's actually there looking.

It's not controlling to not accept your wife repeatedly living the life of a single woman.

here's a big test: Would she be talking with, accepting drinks from, and dancing with these guys if you were there? Would she be comfortable with you seeing what she's doing and hearing what she's saying? 

See, that's crossing a major boundary when you are engaging in something you wouldn't do in front of your spouse.


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## F-102

She said you're controlling?

BAZINGA!!!

You may now have a wife who wants to be a single party girl again. She's probably getting hit on a lot, and now she's getting the toxic idea in her head that she no longer has to "settle" for boring married life.


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## Wheels65

F-102 said:


> She said you're controlling?
> 
> BAZINGA!!!
> 
> You may now have a wife who wants to be a single party girl again. She's probably getting hit on a lot, and now she's getting the toxic idea in her head that she no longer has to "settle" for boring married life.


I agree with this :iagree:


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## Stryker

Such Women are most cheating and lying whenever there is a chance...and they shift the blame in advance ,like the men are "selfish" .....whereas they do as they please "undercover" and open ...


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## golfergirl

Stryker said:


> Such Women are most cheating and lying whenever there is a chance...and they shift the blame in advance ,like the men are "selfish" .....whereas they do as they please "undercover" and open ...


Would she be cool with you doing same with single guy friend? I don't think your expectations are unreasonable or controlling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares

golfergirl said:


> Would she be cool with you doing same with single guy friend? I don't think your expectations are unreasonable or controlling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She clearly isn't concerned with your feelings.
This is exactly what you should do for your "Loving"
wife. If you need to hire a baby sitter, do it and go on out there and enjoy yourself.
See who becomes controlling after you do it.


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## Stryker

The Women could have been previously in mutual SSAs and Bi..encounters...

Its inferred that she was trying to find an advance alibi of you being "selfish"...

Women are (sexually) vulnerably emotional,these women think with their "bodies" than with their Intellect...and thus has less Executive Control on themselves ...

hence chances are higher that they might be going for all "merry go rounds" possible with the alibis and times they are getting and as in this case the corruption is almost explicitly Probable..

Monitor ,if can be so.


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## that_girl

When I go out (lolll about once every 4 months) I am out until 3 or 4 am because I just am. I'm not up to anything sneaky. Just hanging out and having a good time with my ladies 

But every weekend? No way. Once a month til 2 or 3? Ok...maybe. But I would think even 1 time a month is a lot. For me, anyway. I get the itch about once every 4 months to just get away and talk with other ladies about stuff.


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## Mistys dad

Need more details.

How old is she (you)

Where does she go? Big difference between a meat market club, and sitting in a friend's living room or a quiet wine bar.

Does she come home sober, or is she ****faced?

Anything that seems "not ordinary"?

I hang out with some guy friends once a week. We meet for beers, sometimes dinner. I get home, when I get home. My wife respects my time, my friends, and my time with my friends. In return, she is shown respect in how I act when I am with them. Neither of us make it an issue.


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## the guy

Your marriage is in a dangerous place right now. In my case I just blow it off and my W went her way and I went my way with my work. Well after 13 years of her going out and me working....My W with started sleeping around.

What worked for me is finaly confronting my W and when I got the "controling" card thrown at me, I told my W that " I'm not going to control you , but I can control what I want in a marriage"

I told my wife that it is clear to me now that you have priorities and they are not about this marriage so it was time for her to move on.

Showing my W this confidence in willing to let her go if she continued her behavior made her think twice about what she about to loose.

So with a smile on your face inform your wife that are are willing to just let her go and find someone that wants you and you will not control another pereson to be with you but go find someone that WANTS to be with you and respect you enough to be with you at NIGHT.

Becareful she may call your bluff, but do it now b/c your wife along with her toxic friend are not interested in your marriage and will continue to snow ball this behavior into some serioue cheating that you can stop now by have the confidence to be willing to just let her go and show her the reality of what will happen if she continues.

Again you are not controlling her but controlling what you want out of a relationship and marriage!


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## TBT

Schedule time with her around one of your friend's schedule on as regular basis as she is now,especially if you have a friend recently single.She might not like the shoe on the other foot.If they're going to places where hooking up with others is the primary focus,then I'm sure you're aware that most guys on the prowl usually travel with at least one other guy.

Hope you don't have any reason to worry,but I'm afraid you do.
You might follow up on where she says they're going and what really goes on there,if she's being truthful about her whereabouts.

It's your marriage and you have every right to want to feel secure in it.Good luck.


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## MrK

Shaggy said:


> Obviously the friend is looking to meet guys and she is using your wife as a wingman.
> 
> the problem is that what is your wife doing while the GF is chatting and dancing with guys? Obviously she is chatting and dancing too.


That's it in a nutshell. Are you comfortable with your wife drinking, dancing, flirting and partying all night with guys that want to bang her? And I don't think your wife is just taking a bullet for a friend. She's having a grand little time herself. She's LOVING the attention.



Shaggy said:


> here's a big test: Would she be talking with, accepting drinks from, and dancing with these guys if you were there? Would she be comfortable with you seeing what she's doing and hearing what she's saying?


It's that simple. See if you can go next time. Hang out with them for an hour and see how much she enjoys herself. Ask her after that hour how she could POSSIBLY enjoy these nights to the tune of 6 hours a night every week. Because, you see, when you're not there, it's A LOT more fun. That's the REASON they go to these places without you.

Have her followed. Put a gps in her car. As soon as she parks, have your friend/PI stop by and take some simple cell phone video. I can GUARANTEE her actions will be A LOT different than what she describes to you.

How does she explain away getting slobbered on and groped by strange men all night? How does she even explain these nights now? "By honey. I'm going out to party with strange drunk horny men all night. Don't wait up". 

I mean, I ask that question like I can't understand it. Many years ago my wife did the same thing and I can't even COMPREHEND the fact that I stayed home and took it. It's got to be some odd kind of denial. I don't really remember what I went through. What is your thought process as she walks out to door with you giving her permission, essentially, to cheat.

Have her followed. I can GUARANTEE it will be an education.


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## MrK

I mean, what does she TELL you she does on these nights out? I'm guessing very little, right?


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## sisters359

dividedi said:


> My wife's best friend just ended a relationship of 9 years and is newly single. Once my wife's friend became single they started hanging out more and more. I didnt mind it at first becuase they would do daytime stuff together. But recently they have been going out together every weekend, eihter friday or saturday night till very late, often not making it home to after midnight, or even 2-3am. I see this more as behavior of a single person, not a married woman. I talked to my wife about this and told her how i feel, even said i am not trying to tell her to limit here time with her friend, i just dont think she should be going out till wee hours of the morning with a single woman. my wife says i am being controlling and trying to limit the amount of time i spend with her friend, which is important to her. I am being controlling by asking my wife to spend her time with her friend during the day, and not the wee hours of the night?
> 
> My wife works a monday-friday work week and i work 6 days a week, so often friday and saturday night are our only times to spend quality time with each other. The weeks get so hectec that i would hardly call those weekday nights quality time. My wife also says i am being selfish because i spend my sundays (my only non working day) doing my hobbies, fishing, shooting, baseball. However i am home each night to spend with her. I figure that all day saturday, while i am working, or all day sunday, are plent of time to find time to spend with her friend, and the nights are for us to spend time together. She says i am being selfish because i am making her schedule her time with her friend around my schedule.
> 
> Anyways, just looking for some idependent thoughts/ advice on the isssue. thanks


If you have been spending your only free day away from her, I don't think it is any surprise she may feel like a single girl. Seriously--in the famous words of all siblings, "you started it." By scheduling her for a limited amount of your valuable free time, you made it clear how important "together time" is. So now you don't like what she's doing with it? THAT's the only problem you see? I don't know if she's cheating or just blowing off steem--if there are kids in the family, she's a single parent all weekend and works all week, except for her 1 night a week out. Maybe she is cheating (which is on her). But if you continue to demand a right to do what you want, when you want, how can you complain about her doing the same? If she's not cheating (and nothing says she is, unless you've done some investigating), she's just following the "rules" you set: do what you want when you want it; "we" don't matter that much.

Just another p.o.v.


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## COguy

MrK said:


> I mean, what does she TELL you she does on these nights out? I'm guessing very little, right?


What difference does that make? My wife told me stuff about her GNOs all the time. She lied about stuff that happened and even the night she had a ONS I heard all about the night and this new "friend of a friend".

I just posted this but it took my wife cheating on me to realize there's absolutely no reason for a married woman to be going out to a bar late at night without her man. The only thing that happens at a bar at night is skeezing.

If the girls want to hang out and chat, they can do it at their house or a restaurant or a wine bar or something. The only reason you go to a bar is to hit on people and get hit on. In fact, if you go to one sober and single you'll notice that if you're there and trying NOT to get hit on, it's very uncomfortable and awkward.


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## Hicks

She is doing an activity that the main purpose of its existance is sexual hookups. Your activities are very different.


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## MrK

COguy said:


> What difference does that make? My wife told me stuff about her GNOs all the time. She lied about stuff that happened and even the night she had a ONS I heard all about the night and this new "friend of a friend".


Thanks for that. I rarely get an answer when I ask that question for some reason. My wife was secretive to the point that if I asked a question beyond "did you have fun?" she made me out to be a Gestapo interrogator. (What an IDIOT I was). Never Dawned on me that they would lie.


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## COguy

MrK said:


> Thanks for that. I rarely get an answer when I ask that question for some reason. My wife was secretive to the point that if I asked a question beyond "did you have fun?" she made me out to be a Gestapo interrogator. (What an IDIOT I was). Never Dawned on me that they would lie.



No worries. Some of the lies were just weird too. Stuff she shouldn't have lied about. It was no wonder she was going crazy, she must have been juggling months worth of lying in her brain.


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## spudster

Buy a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) at an electronics store and velcro it under the front seat of your wife's car before she goes out. One of the other posters caught his wife that way, and she later confessed she had been cheating on him for three years with another guy. Up to that point she had been lying to his face without missing a breath.


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## TRy

COguy said:


> there's absolutely no reason for a married woman to be going out to a bar late at night without her man. The only thing that happens at a bar at night is skeezing.
> 
> If the girls want to hang out and chat, they can do it at their house or a restaurant or a wine bar or something.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Well said and very true.


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## TRy

Hicks said:


> She is doing an activity that the main purpose of its existance is sexual hookups. Your activities are very different.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: This is also very true.


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## DayDream

Um...yeah, I don't want to add fuel to the fire but I just saw a very dear friend go through just this exact scenereo. His wife of 20 years started hanging out with a bunch of single friends of hers from her job, then she was out more and more without him, then she was going on trips with these girls, then she was asking for a divorce because she "doesn't feel the same about him". When, really, she'd been screwing some other guy for the last year before she dropped the bomb on him. I'd be very wary. You have a right.


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## Lon

stillme4you said:


> Um...yeah, I don't want to add fuel to the fire but I just saw a very dear friend go through just this exact scenereo. His wife of 20 years started hanging out with a bunch of single friends of hers from her job, then she was out more and more without him, then she was going on trips with these girls, then she was asking for a divorce because she "doesn't feel the same about him". When, really, she'd been screwing some other guy for the last year before she dropped the bomb on him. I'd be very wary. You have a right.


I agree, it is easy to not see how bad this is until its too late.


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## sinnister

Single women are like facebook to a marriage.

Just don't have it around.

My Mother of all people warned me about my wife spending time with a single girl friend of hers.


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## chillymorn

Hmmmmm.

yep somethings up! she out flirting and drinking. nothing wrong with that unless your married and your husband is out working to make a nice home for you.

sniff sniff I smell a rat.


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## SunnyT

Sooooooooooo..... ask her to give up all but one night per month for her GNO, and you give up all your Sunday hobbies.... except for one Sunday a month.... and spend TONS of quality time together. Tell her this is what the marriage needs.... and you are happy to give up your stuff cuz the M is worth it!

Maybe you are just feeling left out? Why don't you go? Why not invite yourself?


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## SolidSnake

sisters359 said:


> If you have been spending your only free day away from her, I don't think it is any surprise she may feel like a single girl. Seriously--in the famous words of all siblings, "you started it." By scheduling her for a limited amount of your valuable free time, you made it clear how important "together time" is. So now you don't like what she's doing with it? THAT's the only problem you see? I don't know if she's cheating or just blowing off steem--if there are kids in the family, she's a single parent all weekend and works all week, except for her 1 night a week out. Maybe she is cheating (which is on her). But if you continue to demand a right to do what you want, when you want, how can you complain about her doing the same? If she's not cheating (and nothing says she is, unless you've done some investigating), she's just following the "rules" you set: do what you want when you want it; "we" don't matter that much.:iagree:
> 
> Just another p.o.v.


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## MrK

SunnyT said:


> ask her to give up all but one night per month for her GNO,


Good point. One night a month of putting herself in a sexually charged atmosphere to party with predators that are there purely to find casual sex partners should be plenty. No more that one night a month of infidelity should really be needed in most marriages.




SunnyT said:


> Maybe you are just feeling left out? Why don't you go? Why not invite yourself?


He's not feeling left out. He's not a clubber so he has no interest and she knows it. BINGO for her. Her husband does not like to partake in her brand of legitimate infidelity. And please, OP, let us know her reaction when you mention coming along. I can't wait to hear. I can almost picture the deer in the headlights look as she formulates her response.


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## COguy

MrK said:


> Good point. One night a month of putting herself in a sexually charged atmosphere to party with predators that are there purely to find casual sex partners should be plenty. No more that one night a month of infidelity should really be needed in most marriages.


LOL good start to the morning


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## cjf1985

Recently my wife has started the same behavior. I'm 32. She's 27. She hangs out with her co-workers who are all single.


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## Emerging Buddhist

cjf1985 said:


> Recently my wife has started the same behavior. I'm 32. She's 27. She hangs out with her co-workers who are all single.


This is quite an old thread... why don't you start a new one and share with us why you think she is behaving in such a manner?

Start it in General Relationships, mods can move it if it leans a different direction.


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## MattMatt

Closing Zombie thread...


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