# Help to stop drowning feeling please



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I wake up in a panic every morning. My day moves on slowly but it moves on. When h calls or texts I get scared. I'm afraid that whatever he is going to say is just going to add to the hurt I'm already going through. I have been implementing the 180 for the past week and not even known it but it hasn't helped with this drowning, can't breath feeling that grabs hold whenever h contacts me or at random times usually in the afternoon and into the evening. I feel like I can't do this, this isn't happening, what if I fail, what if I lose, what if I'm rejected all over again, and it goes down from there. 
Took the kids to a farm yesterday with exotic animals and I was happy and the moment I remembered being happy it was snatched from me and I broke down. Walking through the store, I broke down, couldn't get the fear out of my head or heart and couldn't stop crying. What is the deal?! 
How can I recognize when it's about to come and stop it before I get pulled so far in I can't function?

I've been married for 14 years, im a student/sahm , two kids 13 & 11. H is having an affair. H says he doesn't love me anymore, that he is done, and wants the divorce that I'm doing all the work for. Was still living with us but moved out supposedly yesterday. We are out of town with family so I can't verify the state of our home yet.
My future doesn't look too bright at this particular moment so that doesn't help. My plans are to move back home to be near my family, try to get my degree and get a good job that will support me and the kids. 
When we drove into town I felt like a failure coming home with my tail tucked.
There it goes again, any advice on how to start beating this would be wonderful.
Thank you.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

Cry if you need to. It does help.

Do you have friends and/or family? Call them. Tell them you are not feeling well and that you need someone to talk.

See a therapist, tell him/her what bothers you.

I am going through a separation with my wife right now, and I feel the worst during the evening, and a bit during the afternoon as well.

Cry and try to get in touch with people who love you and appreciate you.

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeysuckle, you are not alone, in either your thought, feelings or situation. I know all too well how you are feeling the tightness in the chest the struggle to hold it in, and yes the fear of the sound of the phone going, a text dinging, what next what now, I can't read it, what if it worsens how I feel, can't deal with it.

As for feeling a failure, I'm sure you are not, not in yourself anyway, you say you want to finish your degree, that's not a failure, that's a positive, and it could lead to you being able to do and support for yourself and a brighter future.

Easy for people to say, and funny thing is I'm saying this to you and feeling entirely different having just posted my own situation, and not being able to see my way through, but hope this helps for you.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I go to my councilor on Wednesdays with the kids. That is a long time to build up. Even though my irrational mind is saying I'm the only one this is happening to I know it is not true. I am sorry for all who have been betrayed in the worst way by the ones we love but I am glad in the knowledge that I am not alone after all.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Yes. You definitely are not alone. Same thing happened to me in February. Married nearly 25 years, one 13-year-old son. Found out STBXH was having an affair. Said he wasn't in love with me anymore, there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, counseling was out of the question.

I felt like I was barely breathing, and like there was a fist firmly planted in my stomach 24/7. I lost 25 pounds. People at work asked me if I was "sick." I don't know how I went to work every day. I certainly didn't sleep.

Here's what I did do. I started walking every evening after work, while listening to angry 90s and 00's rock like Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Skillet, Linkin Park, etc. I started at 15 minutes, and ended up at an hour, every night. Walking purposely and as fast as I could, like I was on a mission. I let the anger - rage, really - power me through it in a positive way. I also quit drinking. I found that continuing to drink with all that fury in me was not two great tastes that go great together. I became a seething, sputtering Mr. Hyde when I drank. And it made my already wrecked stomach burn. So I stopped.

It was the worst thing I've ever been through. Worse than post-partum depression. Worse than losing both my parents. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - except maybe him. (Yeah, there's some lingering anger.) If I can make it through it - and I'm here to tell you I was a complete mess - you can, too. Many of us here have. 

My divorce will be final on Wednesday. He moved out in May. And I feel OK about that. First, my appetite came back. Then, sleep (without ZzzQuil - try that, by the way, but start out at half the dose they recommend - it helped me in the early days). Lately, I've started liking listening to music again - not just angry rock - and my craving for that is waning. Even some love songs are OK again, because I've started not to care whether he's still with her or not. Doesn't matter - he's gone, and has been for a long time.

I promise it will get better. I can promise that because I know firsthand that it does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Google breathing exercises. I did them when I was dealing with my divorce (and my cheating husband). They helped. But the only thing that truly helps is time. Some people need more time than others so don't put a time limit on yourself. You heal when you heal. 

You have a plan and are moving forward (I think your plan is an excellent one) and that's more than many people have at this stage. Divorce is an ordeal by fire for sure but it's amazing how strong you become. I'm two years past my divorce and I'm happy and at peace. You will be too!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you Open and NMBeans. I really appreciate the encouragement. I do have some doubts about my plan but I have to have something to focus on besides all the negative.
I am going back home tomorrow and I admit I am a bit afraid of what I might find. A wreck of a house, things missing, services turned off, maybe a dead pet.... The proof that h really truly isn't coming back. I haven't been alone in that sense in my entire life. 
I know these thoughts are irrational but I have a tendency to think the worst so I'm not surprised if it happens and so I can be relieved when it doesn't. H isn't a violent or vengeful type of person but if he did do something I guess I can always come back to family quicker and call my lawyer, right?
My mom said I should spend time cleaning the house, decluttering it and start packing. I hope to start exercising again and discover a lot more interests that are free/cheap to take up my time while I develope my patience for this waiting game.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

If you can, envision the best life you could have single and start living it - exercise, friends, trips, arts, concerts, books - whatever that means for you and start living it.

Yes, your mind will go back. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it's cliche' to say time heals but it does as your brain begins to let go of the past and look forward to the future.

If you want new bed sheets and a yellow wall - do it. If you want to skydive, jump. 

It's hard to give yourself PERMISSION to just live how you want.

Ultimately, you rewire your brain to put yourself, your thoughts, your emotions ahead again. Book things well in advance and change plans at the last second. Take time off of work.

If you can't see a great life for yourself, think of someone you really admire for how they live their life. Emulate but make it your own.

Everyone is different. I will admit it has taken me a long time and I have a ways to go. But if you have any financial flexibility and the ability to go do something - do it!

Give yourself the gift of yourself.

I like to read Desiderata now and again too.

Good luck.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Today is not a good day. H is happy with the ow and I am wondering how to pay bills this coming month. 
I cannot help but wonder what I did to deserve this. 
Why is it possible for h to be happy with the terrible decisions he has made while me and the kids are the ones suffering and having to wait and pick up the pieces.
Why???


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have to get the lawyer on the financial part. This is one burden you do not have to shoulder, so please give it to them (lawyer and POSSTBXH). 

You are discovering that the man you thought you loved doesn't really exist--he's not the good man you thought he was, not the good husband (this doesn't mean he is worthless, but he sure as heck is a POS husband). 

It will hurt as you try to readjust to your new reality--change is always painful. Take advantage of the suggestions for breathing exercises, physical exercise, and get counseling. 

The best thing is that this stage will pass--yes, it will take time, and moments will sneak up even after you think it is gone--but one day, you will realize you *are* past it. You will be a stronger person. I know that's little comfort now, but sometimes all you can do is be kind to yourself and repeat, "This too shall pass."


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Today is not a good day. H is happy with the ow and I am wondering how to pay bills this coming month.
> I cannot help but wonder what I did to deserve this.
> Why is it possible for h to be happy with the terrible decisions he has made while me and the kids are the ones suffering and having to wait and pick up the pieces.
> Why???


Any way to blow up other womans life and pressure the affair? Is she not married? Can you blast all her friends on FB that she is with your husband?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

According to h she is two months divorced herself, smart, has a beautiful soul, thinks like he does. I assume well off since when he left he didn't take anything but his phone, tablet and himself. No bathroom items,no clothes, nothing else. He ran as fast as he could to a strange woman who could give him what I couldn't or didn't.

I don't want revenge, I just want to stop hurting and I want this over with so I can move on with my kids.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

e ran as fast as he could to a strange woman who could give him what I couldn't or didn't. 

You know this isn't true he is delusional but I understand no revenge


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not concerned because he's in the fog of infatuation where everything is grand and glorious. In the meantime, you are living in the real world where there are tough issues to deal with. It's a common thing, unfortunately. It's always interesting to see cheaters come out of that fog and have to deal with the real world again. 

Pretend he doesn't exist (I did that with my ex-husband).


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> According to h she is two months divorced herself, smart, has a beautiful soul, thinks like he does. I assume well off since when he left he didn't take anything but his phone, tablet and himself. No bathroom items,no clothes, nothing else. He ran as fast as he could to a strange woman who could give him what I couldn't or didn't.
> 
> I don't want revenge, I just want to stop hurting and I want this over with so I can move on with my kids.


"Has a beautiful soul" = She is fat and ugly. (And threw herself at him because she is desperate to not be alone.)

Trust me on this one.

This will not end well for him. I know it's of little consolation now. But he will rue the day, and very likely may even try to come crawling back to you. But by the time he does, you'll be long gone. And better off.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

If she doesn't want revenge she should get as much in divorce settlement while he is in la la land.
Wait til this bimbo cheats on him


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"She is fat and ugly" bet on this u will be shocked when u meet her or see a picture


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

I can relate very well. Married 13 years, found out he has having an affair and that he wanted to move on. I have two kids, 8 and 12 yrs old. 
I felt the exact same pain you are feeling. It was unbearable. I cried. Felt depressed. Was in denial, kept thinking we were going to mend things. Asked him over and over again why he wants to quit on our marriage, why we can't work on it.

It hurts but it does get better. It's been a year now and I have moved back home with family to get on my feet. I'm still going through the motions, mostly now I'm disgusted and can't believe what's he's done. 

For me prayer helped, support with close friends, and just working on myself.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

When he showed her to the kids they said she is plain looking but not fat. 
I'm not small by any means but I'm not ugly imho so maybe he also wanted someone of a different size in bed. Or on his screen.

And of course the washer has to break down today of all days. 
Thanks GE!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> "She is fat and ugly" bet on this u will be shocked when u meet her or see a picture


I know I was.

They almost always trade down. It makes sense - generally, women who have everything going for them don't need to cheat with a married man to get attention.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Hello, Shania twain, her ugly ass husband dumped her for her ugly ass girlfriend. Of course w a name like mutt what do you expect and she is stil smoking hot at 50ish


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I bet she has a beautiful soul, though. 

Ugh. What a sh!tty thing to say to you, HS. They always do that - try to make themselves feel better about dropping a bomb on our lives by telling us, of all people, how great their new GFs are.

Mine told me she reminded him of his sister. Obviously wrong on a number of levels right from the get-go. But even more wrong, still, when you consider his sister is one of my oldest, dearest friends, and he knows that. We were the maid/matron of honor in each other's weddings. She was in the room when our son was born.

Beautiful soul. My H told me she had "a good heart like my sister" and "Children come first with her." Yeah. Clearly.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I hope you all don't mind if I keep like a running check of days on here. I reread all the posts when I start feeling down and they help. 
This morning I woke up really wanting to hug something. Is that normal to crave physical contact and reassurance but not getting it or am I being a big baby? I've started to let my dogs sleep on my bed so I don't feel so alone. It's not working, they just smell.
Fast forwarding to this afternoon I was sitting and thinking of an instance when my ds and wh and myself were sitting in the living room together watching tv and my ds and I heard a woman's voice saying hello, can you hear me. Neither of us knew what it was so we looked to h. He said it was his audio book. Ha! I also thought of when I asked him flat out if there was someone else and he told me no, to my face. Then he got mad and told me I had to stop being suspicious of him because it was making him mad. 
Oh my gosh! What a liar!! And I didn't even see it but it was right there!! Realization dawned on me this afternoon and my self doubt and ridicule eased their grip on me a bit and I can now say with confidence that it wasn't me who cheated or lied and no matter what I did or said it wouldn't have changed it and I so need to move on and get out of here with the kids!!
I was waiting to hear from my lawyer today but he never called so tomorrow we will begin again. Never the less, I want full custody, I want the maximum I can get in child and spousal support and I want to be moved out of our home that isn't home before he comes down for our first hearing or meeting with the lawyer to form the agreement. I also do not want my kids around because I have no doubt he will be bringing the ow just to prove he has one. 
He is a pathetic, shriveled, shell of a man who happens to be very selfish, egotistical, immature, irresponsible, manipulating, lying, cheating POS who doesn't deserve to call himself my husband anymore!
Man! I hope this high isn't too short lived.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Anger can be your friend. It's certainly a helluva lot better than Depression. Embrace it when it comes - let it empower you. It is about the only thing that got me through the worst of it.

Our divorce will be final tomorrow. VSTBXH will go to the courthouse alone, since he is the Petitioner and I'm not contesting it. He came over this afternoon to spend time with our son while I was at work (with my blessing). When he went to leave, he said "Thank you for being so good through this whole thing. I didn't deserve for you to be. I did a terrible thing to you, and I'm not happy about that." Yet he's still seeing her, and making future plans with her. Whatever. He actually hugged me, for the first time in many months, and it was an actually warm hug (giving those, at least to me, has never been his strong suit). And I just felt - nothing. And that was a wonderful feeling.

You'll still have your sad moments. I had one yesterday, telling a coworker I've only started to become friends with that I was divorcing when she asked what my husband thought of our new puppy. But that was short-lived. It used to be the other way around. The tide will turn one day without you even realizing it has, and the bad thoughts will take up less of your time than the good. Then one day, he'll come looking for compassion from you, and you just won't have any left to give. That's when you'll know you're about to be free.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I'm not a patient person so I do hope that is soon. i really want to say I don't want you, you're not good enough anymore. Like most things, I over analyze setting out different scenarios to see what id actually do and then they never happen so this probably won't either. 
I spoke with our preacher today and he said, "you know this will not work or last for him, don't you?" I'm not entirely sure it won't. I know the statistics but I also know how stubborn and pushy and controlling and self made blind he can be.
He is a fantastic liar so I think he will be in his fog for a very long time, whether the op wants to be or not. 
I find it odd that I'm not angry with the ow. I pity her but I'm not angry. That may change if I ever have to meet her.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

We sound very much alike, HS. And like your H, I really think my very nearly ex is going to end up marrying this one and it's going to work out more or less for them, even though all signs and logic point to it crashing and burning. Because like your H, I know how stubborn he is and how ridiculously hard it is for him to admit he's wrong. He would rather marry her to prove to everyone he didn't blow up multiple lives out of pure foolishness, no matter how miserable she might make him. And he is a fantastic liar, too. He can lie to himself best of all. That's what the pathological ones do.

Tonight, he tells me that he hasn't seen her since May "out of respect for" me. He spent a week with her in May a week after he moved out - flew her down here to stay in the house we first bought together when we were newly married, brought our baby son home to, and lived in for 11 years before moving to this one and renting that one, and had a Fvck-a-Thon with her there in the bedroom - in the very bed! - I spent six weeks of strict bed rest in the last six weeks of my pregnancy to keep from going into labor - 10 minutes away from where his son and I now live, but he hasn't seen her since then "out of respect for" me. I think the word he was looking for is actually Guilt. Or maybe Disgust. I can only imagine what he tells her is the reason for the delay. I'm guessing something like this: "We can't be together again until after the divorce is final, otherwise my b**** wife might get p!ssed off and decide she wants more of our money than she's already getting out of spite."

Yes, the more time that goes by, the more you'll realize your H's emotional abandonment of you is a well-set pattern, not something new he had to change into in order to start doing. But you did get your beautiful kids out of him. So he was good for two things. Three things - his nonsense will bring out the best in you, and you will be stronger for what you've been through. It really, really doesn't seem like it now, but you'll look back on this sometime not too long from now and realize he did you a favor. And your only regret will be that he waited so long.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And here I am at home by myself at 9:15 trying to console you two while I'm lonely as **** wanting to get out of my marriage, yet faithful as the day is long. Wife is at the church right now. Anyway, you have great memories from these dudes so don't let those go even most recent memories sucked cuz they went bonkers w bimbos. Neither of the relationships will last. Trust me! Have a glass of wine tonight an cheers to being rid of your assjack husbands. For me, I'll watch law and order as my good looks slowly fade. Wah!!! Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Lol dude. Thanks for the laugh. 
Thinking h and ow will do well together was starting to bum me out but then I remembered how I can't remember any good memories with him at this moment so they deserve each other. Misery, liars and cheats love like minded company.
I'll go watch Big Bang reruns and laugh out loud at all the parts h hates. 

My mother said something to me that I will never forget. She said she has never known someone work so hard at something they hate. I think that perfectly describes my marriage at this point. I might need to get that tattooed where I can see it. Jk


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Once you are healed you will remember the good times mainly. You are still grieving. As long as it keeps moving(changing) you are doing just fine. I'm switching to golden girls now. Wife just got home already clowning on cell phone. What a life!! Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Kids and I just got home form counciling. Went well.
H called my ds and asked why he is mad and then he preceded to tell my ds that it wasn't him who started all this and that he doesn't think of what he is doing as cheating on me. 
This guy is really out to punish me it feels like. 

I keep getting some of his text messages that he sends to other people that say how much fun he is having up there and that he is more in love with the ow every single day.
This afternoon just took a nose dive for the emotional pit.

Why would he ask his kids if they're mad like he wouldn't know why??? I cannot believe how blind he is being. I know I said he is made self blind but really, to tell people that his kids are ok with him being gone and asking them why they're mad as if he did something small like forget to bring home milk or something!? Oh my gosh!
Where the heck is that karma bus and can it go any faster?!

Called the attorney, his paralegal said that he will call me back but if h is being the jerk he is then we will just take him to court and ask for everything I want. Forget an amicable agreement.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think the worse decision by far that was made in your marriage was for you to stay at home with the kids. This caused your husband to feel all the financial burden of the family. I know because I had to do the same thing. It killed our marriage, it made me think I couldn't count on my wife for anything because she could never help with the bills. I felt I was alone and the only one who cared for the family. The truth of the matter is that our society is set up so that one person staying home with the kids is no longer an option, those who decide to do it anyway end up like us, with ruined marriage. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get back to work as fast as possible. Paying some of the family bills will be a huge relief for your husband, but it looks like it's already too late for that.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I think the worse decision by far that was made in your marriage was for you to stay at home with the kids. This caused your husband to feel all the financial burden of the family. I know because I had to do the same thing. It killed our marriage, it made me think I couldn't count on my wife for anything because she could never help with the bills. I felt I was alone and the only one who cared for the family. The truth of the matter is that our society is set up so that one person staying home with the kids is no longer an option, those who decide to do it anyway end up like us, with ruined marriage. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get back to work as fast as possible. Paying some of the family bills will be a huge relief for your husband, but it looks like it's already too late for that.


HUH????!!! This post is asinine.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Yeah.... It's a shame that when I asked him if he wanted me to work he said no. Oh or was it the times I was working between kids and moving with him every 3 years to a new job he had to have because he didn't get what he wanted from the last one. No, I bet it was because I started to go back to school so I could get my degree and get a better paying job to help with the family finances that drove him up half the country to a woman who he met in an online game all the while taking care of the kids and the house. Gosh I must be out of my mind to think core values and raising kids right is so unpopular. Never mind that he made 6 figures. It was all me.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

You are right about one thing. I realize I have to go to work and put school on the sidelines for now which is fine, I know how to work. I'm female, I can multi-task with the best of them. 
The only thing that is too late would be me ever taking him back. And I will do my damnedest to make sure I am never financially dependent upon another man again.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> HUH????!!! This post is asinine.


Keep your asinine thoughts to yourself *******! I know how it feels to be the sole supporter of a large family and IT'S NOT FUN!!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Keep your asinine thoughts to yourself *******! I know how it feels to be the sole supporter of a large family and IT'S NOT FUN!!


Then why did you have a large family? Your post makes absolutely no sense. I'm sure he weighed in on her decision to not work and it was mutual. *****************************************~~!!!!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> The only thing that is too late would be me ever taking him back. And I will do my damnedest to make sure I am never financially dependent upon another man again.



See how the grief works???!! Better decision, looking deeper internally, etc


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Then why did you have a large family? Your post makes absolutely no sense. I'm sure he weighed in on her decision to not work and it was mutual. *****************************************~~!!!!


It makes all the sense in the world, if you would bother reading it, but people like you don't read they would rather label and insult. It's never his decision or her decision for a wife to be a SAHM, it's a decision made together and it's always a bad decision.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> It makes all the sense in the world, if you would bother reading it, but people like you don't read they would rather label and insult. It's never his decision or her decision for a wife to be a SAHM, it's a decision made together and it's always a bad decision.


Sorry dude, please don't be so sensitive. Surely you know having a SAHM works great in some marriages? Maybe not yours, but some. Agreed?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> You are right about one thing. I realize I have to go to work and put school on the sidelines for now which is fine, I know how to work. I'm female, I can multi-task with the best of them.
> The only thing that is too late would be me ever taking him back. And I will do my damnedest to make sure I am never financially dependent upon another man again.


...and I will do my damnedest to make sure I NEVER let another woman be financially dependant on me.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> ...and I will do my damnedest to make sure I NEVER let another woman be financially dependant on me.


I think we just found the makings of a couple here on TAM!! HA!!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Whatever.
I accept 50% of the blame for the marital problems. 
BUT he is 100% to blame for the affair.

It takes two to marry, it takes two to make it work and it takes two to end it unless one of them dies first.

Best of luck in your future endeavors jb. 

Later, Dude.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> BUT he is 100% to blame for the affair.


Of course he is and probably forever changed for the worse. He's hurting himself far more than you...Once you see that your anger/hurt will end.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think I'm finally starting to see what Dude just said. Divorce was final today - I didn't have to go, so the ex called me when it was all done. He had his usual nonchalant tone, but he kept apologizing for everything he's put me through and thanking me for being so good about it all, when he didn't deserve for me to be after what he did.

Guilt has manifested itself in him in many physical ways. He's had the Shingles - on his face - sciatica, migraines, sinus infections, stomach viruses, varicose veins - it's like it's oozing out of every pore. He says he just hasn't felt good in months. I mentioned I didn't know his sister was visiting Alaska, but I got a post card from her from there the other day. He goes, "That's more than I got. But then, she's not very happy with me lately."

Yep. He's going to be way worse off than I. He already is. And if he's stupid enough to marry this woman he's known for 11 days, that's when the real suffering will begin.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Whatever.
> I accept 50% of the blame for the marital problems.
> BUT he is 100% to blame for the affair.


Throughout my 15 year marriage, I supported the family by myself while my wife raised the kids. Then when my youngest was born, I ended being the stay at home dad until he was able to go to school. Yes, there was some stress due to raising 5 children. That's where married couples are suppose to pull together to get through it. Not pull away. 

Don't blame yourself for the things your WS says are the reasons he stopped trying. One thing I know from experience from my WW's two affairs. WS seem to do their best to be critical about the most little things. Some things that seemed to be normally fine, all of a sudden turns into something to validate them for straying. It's funny how after they wake up from their fog, they want everything the same way as it was before. Unfortunately, it can never be the same ever again. 

Sometimes horrible experiences like this are good for us. What I mean is, it opens our eyes. Just like everything in life. You live and learn. You look for ways to improve yourself. Rebuild your self image. Take a stand for yourself. Know what you will accept and what you won't. There is nothing that the WS would like better than to validate the reason why they left the marriage. Show your WS he was wrong. When you become the new and improved you. You can then asked yourself if he is even worthy of you.

Stay strong. Follow the 180 for you. Don't hold on to the past, it is no longer irrelevant. You only have the present time and the future ahead of you.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"Yep. He's going to be way worse off than I. He already is. And if he's stupid enough to marry this woman he's known for 11 days, that's when the real suffering will begin." $$$$$$ bingo $$$$$$$$

And once you get this my friend your healing will skyrocket. It's not a lie you are just telling yourself it's the TRUTH!!! They have destroyed themselves. Then you just feel sorry for them and not much hurt or pain. You heal fast and natural!!! Good for you beanie!!!! Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> Sometimes horrible experiences like this are good for us. What I mean is, it opens our eyes. Just like everything in life. You live and learn. You look for ways to improve yourself. Rebuild your self image. Take a stand for yourself. Know what you will accept and what you won't. There is nothing that the WS would like better than to validate the reason why they left the marriage. Show your WS he was wrong. When you become the new and improved you. You can then asked yourself if he is even worthy of you.


Too right. 


NMBeans, how do you speak so calmly to your XH?
H isn't talking to me at all and I'm glad of it but the thought of having to see him face to face or talk to him still makes me feel panicky. I'm afraid to lose my temper or sound sad. I can't be happy, I'm not happy with him. So indifferent then maybe?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm non-confrontational to a fault. My first memory is of my Mom and Dad yelling at each other. I don't remember the words, but I remember the sound. And their faces making that sound. 

He's only ever in the house now when my son is here, too. I don't want him to ever hear or see that. I have let him have it a couple of times on the phone, at lunchtime at work, when I was out taking a walk and no one else could hear me.

We lived in limbo in the same house for three months after DDay. And after he moved out, he was always here. So I get that panicky feeling when having to talk to him, and I'm sorry you're dealing with that now. That was definitely the worst stage of this whole thing.

You'll get better at dealing with him without even knowing it, because you'll stop caring about him without even knowing it.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I think that's part of 180 isn't it? To speak softly or quietly and walk away from arguing?
I'm from a loud, blunt family so quiet and soft usually only come from me when I'm broken or hurt. I've gotten really good at it lately. My sil told h that if I'm still fighting with him that should show I love him but I'm not fighting anymore so I guess that holds some truth.

I am a bit concerned for the coming week or next when he will be back down here. He is not welcome in the home when I am here and I really really hope to be gone by then. It would be nice for him to come home to a half empty house. Never the less, I cannot outrun him forever. Best find that backbone I had yesterday.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Can you possibly look forward two years when you're at the wine bar on the veranda saying "I can't even believe I gave a ****!" I promise you thats how you will feel if you heal correctly like u are doing. You will probably even laugh at some of the antics your H pulled during this time period. You both may even laugh together. See if u can at least envision this as plausable!! It can happen and not hurt an ounce if you literally soak in the grief emotions right now


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> I promise you thats how you will feel if you heal correctly like u are doing. See if u can at least envision this as plausable!! It can happen and not hurt an ounce if you literally soak in the grief emotions right now


??? It sounds like that movie, It's Complicated.

I see me trying to break out from living at home by buying my own house, my kids happy, fsucceeding in that job and hitting the ground running full on in two years. Or struggling still to finish school, working a crappy job that has no benefits and being depressed at home. The second one is scary!

How do I soak in the grief emotions right now to make sure I am healing right?
180 says to be proactive, enthusiastic, happy, move on, etc. 
so do I soak in the grief in private and show confidence in public?

I think my brain has slowed down for the night. Please explain.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"Happy, enthusiastic, move on" uhhhh not familiar w 180 but how is this even possible?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I think the worse decision by far that was made in your marriage was for you to stay at home with the kids. This caused your husband to feel all the financial burden of the family. I know because I had to do the same thing. It killed our marriage, it made me think I couldn't count on my wife for anything because she could never help with the bills. I felt I was alone and the only one who cared for the family. The truth of the matter is that our society is set up so that one person staying home with the kids is no longer an option, those who decide to do it anyway end up like us, with ruined marriage. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get back to work as fast as possible. Paying some of the family bills will be a huge relief for your husband, but it looks like it's already too late for that.




You are making a huge assumption. They might have chosen this arrangement like many other couples. To be honest the SAHM may not be salaried but her financial worth to the family is very high, research has shown she's worth around $90k per year. Couples often do not want latch key kids and all the associated problems. You mention your troubles with singly supporting a large family, then why did you have so many kids? We all make choices, we had 2 kids so that I could work part time and take care of them. Would have liked more but couldn't afford to educate them and give them the life I wanted. So don't use your own circumstances to make these kind of statements, you are totally off the mark. honeysuckle's WH is a POS who dumped his family. All marriages have issues but this is no excuse.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> It makes all the sense in the world, if you would bother reading it, but people like you don'zt read they would rather label and insult. It's never his decision or her decision for a wife to be a SAHM, it's a decision made together and it's always a bad decision.[/QUOTE
> 
> You obviously have issues, stop hijacking this one and start a thread of your own on how your wife is lazy and leaving all the financial burden to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It can be difficult to get to but eventually you reach a point of indifference. Your ex won't matter at all. I had an extremely long marriage to let go of and wasn't sure I would ever get to the point of indifference. It didn't happen until the divorce was final but it did happen. 

You'll get there.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

aine said:


> You are making a huge assumption. They might have chosen this arrangement like many other couples. To be honest the SAHM may not be salaried but her financial worth to the family is very high, research has shown she's worth around $90k per year. Couples often do not want latch key kids and all the associated problems. You mention your troubles with singly supporting a large family, then why did you have so many kids? We all make choices, we had 2 kids so that I could work part time and take care of them. Would have liked more but couldn't afford to educate them and give them the life I wanted. So don't use your own circumstances to make these kind of statements, you are totally off the mark. honeysuckle's WH is a POS who dumped his family. All marriages have issues but this is no excuse.


Again, if people like you and "dude" would bother reading what was written instead of skipping the details and labeling you would see what I mean about how a situation involving a SAHM throws the whole marriage out of balence and then causes other things to eventually fail. What I wrote IS NOT off base, I obviously want the reader to see why in allowing a SAHM situation you "invite" problem into your marriage.

If feel like Jay Leno having to explain his jokes to his audience...uggg


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Again, if people like you and "dude" would bother reading what was written instead of skipping the details and labeling you would see what I mean about how a situation involving a SAHM throws the whole marriage out of balence and then causes other things to eventually fail. What I wrote IS NOT off base, I obviously want the reader to see why in allowing a SAHM situation you "invite" problem into your marriage.
> 
> If feel like Jay Leno having to explain his jokes to his audience...uggg


Read these details guys, marriage is an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP, everything and I mean everything throws wrenches at it constantly. Work too much, not enough money, kids, step kids, in-laws, co-workers flirting, friends flirting, illness, fitness, lack of fitness, weight gain, weight loss, educated, uneducated, changing, not changing...Just understand the Marriage is being constantly attacked!! You can't pin point one thing the "WOULD HAVE SAVED EVERYTHING"....Make sense?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> "Happy, enthusiastic, move on" uhhhh not familiar w 180 but how is this even possible?



I think it goes along with fake it till you make it. 
Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.
Read the 180 list Dude and tell me what you think please.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Isn't that for someone trying to get their spouse back?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I was told it was to help me too. Idk.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You should do your grief work and soak in all the emotions til they fade(and you heal)


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I was told it was to help me too. Idk.


The 180 is not to get your spouse back. It is for your healing.

You can do this Honeysuckle. You have suffered an emotional injury (which can result in physical pain as well). In due time, the injury will begin to scab over, the pain will abate and all you have is a scar. But we can live with scars, can't we?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hugs for scars! Love scars, they make a person that much more interesting. Who wants to go through life blemish free? That isn't living, that is.... The word escapes me but it isn't living lol.

Some of those listed on the 180 do have to do with the spouse and others are to help get out of the muck. I pick and choose which ones I can do, will do, may never do. Depends on the day and which emotion is in charge at the time.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Actually if you are really willing to look inward in those darkest times(hurt/sad/depression) is when the most growth can be achieved. It's wonderful and you will learn so much about yourself you will thank your ex one day for giving you this opportunity. The growth and wisdom acheived are amazing if you will accept the emotions and they come over you wave after wave, sometimes called "the heroes journey". You can do this!!!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I don't think I will ever tell h thank you for this. My love and trust are hard earned as it is but once given you have them until death or betrayal. I don't spend much time on people who I think are stupid or unworthy and he got himself put in that category recently. Never the less, I will continue to look inward, grieve, grow and thrive. Right now I am at peace. I cannot promise it will be that way even in the next minute but right now I am.

Going beyond the philosophical side of life my house is almost packed up. It is a very sad state but it is a movement forward which is good.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Panic arrived early today. 
Sitting here with acid in my stomach churning over whether or not h will be honorable and let his last check go into our joint account so I can pay bills and get groceries while he is gone. I sure hope so. I haven't proven to be untrustworthy when it comes to our finances. I really hate that chances are high that I won't be able to trust anything he says or does from here on out, til death do us part if you will.
I just need to make 8 more days down here. 

Ds is still sleeping in my room. He doesn't want to be in his room and hasn't slept there since h was in dds room down the hall from him. When we got back dd cleaned out any traces of h from her room and took it back but ds still won't go to his room to sleep. Poor kid.
Morning all.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Morning HS04,

One thing I have learned from IC, is not to expect anything from my WS. A lot of my frustrations in the past several weeks was from expectations from my WS. You expect them to have common sense. You expect them to honor some of their responsibilities. That's the thing though, everything they have done has been done with pure selfishness and irrational actions. You can't expect them to start thinking with their head instead of what's in between their legs anytime soon. If anything, we expected them to not even get themselves put in the situation that they are in now. What helped me is to not expect anything anymore. I can expect results from the things I do, but I longer expect a single thing now from my WS. It is too much stress to have to deal with a POS liar. 

Hope the rest of the day turns out better for you. Stay strong.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Panic arrived early today.
> Sitting here with acid in my stomach churning over whether or not h will be honorable and let his last check go into our joint account so I can pay bills and get groceries while he is gone. I sure hope so. I haven't proven to be untrustworthy when it comes to our finances. I really hate that chances are high that I won't be able to trust anything he says or does from here on out, til death do us part if you will.
> I just need to make 8 more days down here.
> 
> ...


I know its scary and there are a lot of losses being realized at the same time, not just wh. Let the grief work, it will protect you, teach you, and fog you out when there is too much to bare. You'll be rid of this nutjob soon enough. DUDE


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Panic arrived early today.
> Sitting here with acid in my stomach churning over whether or not h will be honorable and let his last check go into our joint account so I can pay bills and get groceries while he is gone. I sure hope so. I haven't proven to be untrustworthy when it comes to our finances. I really hate that chances are high that I won't be able to trust anything he says or does from here on out, til death do us part if you will.
> I just need to make 8 more days down here.
> 
> ...


Honeysuckle, I hope things today turned out better than anticipated, and you are a little more settled, I know so well that acid in the stomach feeling of what may well be about to happen, or the expectation of the something bad. 

You hang on in there for the next 8 days, enjoy your kids and be strong for them, with them, and they will give it back, my daughter has been a real gem last few days.

I am sure in time there will be moments when the stomach churning occurs, but they will be fewer and less harsh, at least that is what I tell myself, although it is no consolation at the time. Hope you are as good as can be at the moment.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you Shinobi, Dude, TLH, everyone keeping up with me.
Today has turned out better than expected. Think like eeyore and you won't be disappointed (pessimisticly optimistic). Got a lot done but still a lot left.

Newest thing, can't seem to be without noise of some sort wherever I go. I have to have the radio or TV on. I don't like the silence, it lets me dwell on the things I can't change. My councilor told me today that when I start to think back on those things I need to tell myself out loud to stop. It seems to be helping. Words mean more said out loud than they do in the mind or on paper.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

What if I can't find a job right away? 

H is begging through texts with my son to not be mad at him. Maybe the fog is lifting a bit?
Ds shares his texts with me, I do not snoop or demand to see them.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> I know its scary and there are a lot of losses being realized at the same time, not just wh. Let the grief work, it will protect you, teach you, and fog you out when there is too much to bare. You'll be rid of this nutjob soon enough. DUDE


I might now understand what you mean about the grief working. When trying to job search earlier the ones I was hoping for turned out to not be for whatever reason and I felt immediately exhausted and had to sleep. That may not be what you meant but I woke a bit more clear so I thought that was my mind shutting down to recoup. ?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeysuckle, if you can shut down, sleep and clear your head that has to be some recuperation and any and all is good.
I'm glad you are job hunting, it will take your thoughts away from the scenario and focus on something for you, plus when you get that job you been looking for, which of course you will, the sense of elation will be twice as good and the future of where you will be can be nothing but rosy, I think that is a good focus.

If it is true on the grief working then hell I must be working damn hard, cos grieving is my thing right now, but I like your bit of saying things out loud, I have been trying that and there is some sense of the fact I am perhaps telling myself in a stronger way.

In short you shout out as loud as you need , get that job sorted, the perfect one for you, and throw yourself right into it headlong, that light, the one at the end of the tunnel can only get closer. In the mean time any down days fire away let it out!!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

" whatever reason and I felt immediately exhausted and had to sleep." Yep grief work is EXHAUSTING, and that means it's working. This is the time when your mind reorganizes your old life into your new life. Yes it's work, yes it's exhausting but you actually need it!! It should be embraced!!! It will allow you to heal naturally and properly. If you only learn this from me it's worth Milliions, why would anyone want to cover up those emotions. Bathe in them and you will be such a stronger and more balanced person on the other side, I promise!! Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

H just called to "check in". First time in a week!! 
Here comes the gut wrenching need to throw up feeling. 
I was civil but not polite. I did not say much of anything except yep or no or yes. 
I did hang up on him, I don't say good bye to him anymore. 
Help!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Help how? Sounds like you handled it well. What exactly did he want?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree wth Dude, what is the help for? You were polite, you answered his questions, okay may have been short answers, but was there a need for anything else? You took control and made sure it was all done how you wanted, got the message across that he may well "check in" but he will only get as much information as is needed and that you are not answerable.

I say good on you.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I ask for help because I feel like I need to run away like right now. Like he is on his way back to ruin my cheater free week and my plans to move on. I've finally got the crying down to short bursts and just a few minutes each time. If he comes back now I'll have to start all over. He isn't aware of my plans and that makes me feel like a liar even though I'm not. 

He wanted to know if there was anything he needed to do before the end of the weekend. I told him if there were I'd let him know. He didn't sound like he was living it up with his wahore he sounded tired and abashed maybe?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

He sounded and third and abashed maybe.... And, is that your problem now, no I don't think so, is that some comeuppance, I think so.

You are not a liar, you are protecting your interests and yourself, he made it clear his intentions which didn't involve you, now your intentions do not involve him, he created that not you, it's none of his business.

He can only ruin your plans if you let him, hard I'm sure that is, you are still going through emotions, you have gotten stronger, you don't need to run until you are ready remember that.

You are getting the tears and grief under control, do not lose site of that now and do not go back to the start, think on your plans for yourself, where you will be at, the job hunting etc, and concentrate your thought on you, concentrate on yourself living it up and keep going.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I ask for help because I feel like I need to run away like right now. Like he is on his way back to ruin my cheater free week and my plans to move on. I've finally got the crying down to short bursts and just a few minutes each time. If he comes back now I'll have to start all over. He isn't aware of my plans and that makes me feel like a liar even though I'm not.
> 
> He wanted to know if there was anything he needed to do before the end of the weekend. I told him if there were I'd let him know. He didn't sound like he was living it up with his wahore he sounded tired and abashed maybe?



You sound too sympathetic right now towards your WH. You need to be angry to get yourself moving up and away from him. If you do work out in the future, it will require a lot of work especially from him. 
As it is find your righteous anger and keep going, forget about how he is, who cares he brought this on himself, his problem not yours, he has left you with enough to handle.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

aine said:


> You sound too sympathetic right now towards your WH. You need to be angry to get yourself moving up and away from him.
> he has left you with enough to handle.


I agree with your last sentence. BUT I have yet been able to get angry. Like real angry. Like motivational angry. Why do you think that is?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Anger is the easiest emotion and it covers up the harder ones like hurt, pain, depression. That's why it's healthy to cycle through them all as you reorganize to your new life. I don't think you can get that angry maybe because you know splitting up is for the best? Im just guessing here


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Anger is the second stage of grief perhaps you're still in some form of denial?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blaine said:


> Anger is the second stage of grief perhaps you're still in some form of denial?


Agreed, you probably are still in a form of shock/denial and it hasn't hit you yet what he has actually done. You are in survival mode and this helps to protect you and go through the motions. You are going through the stages of grief (and will move back and forwards between them). The anger will come and then it will propel you forwards.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Morning.
I don't doubt what any of you said about my anger. I'm still probably in denial with a side of depression, hurt and pain. Yep. Or maybe I'm not angry because I've already forgiven him for what he has done? Nah, it's still the denial. That was hard to write and if I forgave him it wouldn't be right?
Panic was in the form of a nightmare this morning. I dreamed I was stuck on an isolated farm with h, his family and the ow and I couldn't escape. 
I hope the survival mode lasts until I can get settled. 
Daily mantra: 
H doesn't want me. H doesn't love me. H isn't worthy. H is a lair. H is a cheater. Time to move on.
A friend invited me to go to lunch today so that's something to look forward to.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Honeysuckle how about this for a mantra I dont want H, I do love me, I am worthy, I am honest and special?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

That sounds good! I like that! Thank you Blaine.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

packed up more of the kids rooms today. Dd went at it full speed ahead. Ds drug his feet as much as possible and I sure don't blame him. I know it has to be done but it sure doesn't feel right. He started crying and so did I, can't stand it when my kids cry and I can't fix it. 
having a hard time keeping my eye on the light at the end of this dismal tunnel, again. 
Today was just a bummer day. 
Hope tomorrow is better.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Hang in there, HS04. It's a very difficult situation when kids are involved. I have 4 kids ranging from 14-9 years old. It broke my heart seeing them cry when my WS left the house. Especially my little boy. He acted tough and just smiled and gave her a kiss good bye. A few minutes later. i find him in the laundry room hugging a pile of clothes that had one of her shirts on top. He was crying and it made me cry and angry at the same time. Only because it reminded me of when my WS had her first A when he was only 2 years old. She left me and the 2 boys at that time. I remember searching for him all over the house. Only to find him in the basement laundry room. He was crying and asking where mommy was. I felt so helpless at that time. He was only 2 and couldn't understand what was happening. At least this time I was able to comfort him a little and just watched one of his favorite movies with him to cheer him up. I always tell them that it's not about them. That it is about me and the WS. 

This is one of the things I can never forgive my WS for. The pure selfishness. Not giving a crap of how all their actions would affect the children. The only thing you can do now is be strong for you. If you do that, then you can be strong for your kids. Give them all your love and attention. Keep telling yourself over and over again. "I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. THE CHILDREN AND I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW. I WILL TAKE CONTROL OF IT. I WILL EMBRACE IT." 

No more Mantras with H in it. He doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in them. Stay strong. Tomorrow is just another step forward to your new life.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> The only thing you can do now is be strong for you. If you do that, then you can be strong for your kids. Give them all your love and attention. Keep telling yourself over and over again. "I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. THE CHILDREN AND I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW. I WILL TAKE CONTROL OF IT. I WILL EMBRACE IT."
> 
> No more Mantras with H in it. He doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in them. Stay strong. Tomorrow is just another step forward to your new life.


it is worth repeating.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I'm listening to my kids play together. Laughing and carrying on and it is very sad that h really will be the one to miss out on them growing up. They're so wonderful.

Counciling went well. I was told the same thing you all have said. Anger will come, I'm not obligated to help him with anything that doesn't involve the kids or our living. I'm still in denial and trying to justify his actions even though I don't know to what extent they are. His greener pastures might be turning to muck. Need to focus on moving and then the kids and then myself.
Then somewhere down the line figure out how I contributed to the downfall of the marriage and work on that. I don't see myself getting involved with anyone and I know what I did wrong in the marriage and how to correct it so..... It's still a positive step forward I guess.

I just realized that our first court date is next week. I am nervous, I don't know what to expect. Any advice?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

First you may have done everything right for the most part in your marriage. Go to court date on cloud nine knowing you are starting to rid yourself of this fool. You will most likely heal and find someone else in the future.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

If divorce affects every other couple in the world why bother trying to find someone else in the future? 
My grandfather was married four times before he died. Between the four he had 16 kids and step kids. 
I'm not like that. I don't want a string of xs.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> If divorce affects every other couple in the world why bother trying to find someone else in the future?
> My grandfather was married four times before he died. Between the four he had 16 kids and step kids.
> I'm not like that. I don't want a string of xs.


Because we live so long and life is so dynamic the odds of two people staying in somewhat harmony with all the changing we do over our lives is close to ZERO. So we have SO in our lives for a season, maybe four seasons? But married 60 years to one person might be far fetched if you think about it realistically. I'm just brainstorming here.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Honey I know that it all seems bleak right now but i promise happy days will come again and you may be right around the corner from being the happiest that you have ever been. and I know its hard to think or feel that way now. That is why you need to be strong now. Good luck and lean on your friends when you need to.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I want to get mad. I'm tired of walking around like I'm in a coma. All this is going very fast which suits me fine until I wake up and miss something through it. I want to get mad. Can you help me get mad?
NoMoreBeans says I should ask out loud to you all too.
Even though he lied to me about there being someone else, even though I heard her voice, even though he doesn't think an emotional affair is a real affair that he turned into a real affair, even though he would stay up late to have phone sex with her or run long errands in town to talk to her or leave early to talk to her on his way to work or cut me short to talk to her on his way home from work or have me drive so he could text her when we went out of town or text her during church, or held me at night and would tell me he loves me which was a lie I still am not mad.

I can't even get mad at the mind movies. All I see is a stupid woman and a limp di... I know it's not like it is in the movies. Is it ever?

For any normal betrayed spouse those things would make them mad right? So can someone help push me to get mad? I want to get out of shock, denial and devastation.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

The trouble is, HS, your H disappeared like a thief in the night very shortly after your DDay. Mine continued to live with me and our son for three more months, until he could conveniently move into our rental property that would be vacated at that time. And I let him, pushover that I am. I regretted letting him do that for a long time, but now, I think it was a gift. Why? Because he said and did one wildly insensitive thing after another to me during that time. And made me furious.

I also think, as others here have said, you're still in denial. It's only been a few weeks, hasn't it? We all go through all the stages of grief at our own pace. I was shocked and numb only for a few days. Then comes bargaining (begging them to reconsider, end the affair, try to make it work with you, what have you). I think I hated that one the most - coupled with the sadness, it's a horrible state in which to be. Luckily, there were only about two weeks of that for me. Would have been less if I'd found TAM sooner. Finally,anger and depression set in, often battling it out with each other. I am still visited by both of them five months later. That's been my pace - blistering through the first two stages, dwelling too long in the next two. Still haven't made it to Acceptance. I feel like I can see it in the distance, like a mirage. Some days it appears closer than others.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

So it was a good thing that I made him leave after two weeks? I couldn't have handled him for any longer living in the house with us. It made me a wreck.
It has been three weeks since the reveal. 
I know the stages of grief but I may never hit anger. i spent a lot of,our marriage being angry and since it's coming to an end I may really never hit anger again. I am not a negotiator or bargainer. I did ask him once to make sure this is what he wanted and he said yes, get the divorce and that was that.
So far as acceptance I don't see I have a choice so I'm resigned to it. Letting go I think I miss the belittled companionship more than the actual man and it'll get better when we are done moving and I can start the rest of my life instead of sitting here waiting.
I need to get out of this coma.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just wanted to say ditto on the advice you e been given, and add my experience if it may help.
I am about a year and a half from my walk-away cheating ex. I tried, and still try, to make sense of it all. We have three young children and a good life, I thought. 
I always ask myself why. It's like a hard-ass calculus problem one tries to find a solution to, but never can. So your mind just keeps trying to solve it, without knowing all the variables and without enough data....... There never will be enough data. One cannot solve it. You just need to let this thing go. We both do.

I will reiterate what others said about time helping, but I remember how in the worst if it, a day seemed like a year, and a minute like a week. That's how it is when you're hurting. But you will feel exponentially better as time goes by. One morning you'll wake up and go about your day and make it quite a while without thinking about it, then first thing you know, you'll have made it a few days without thinking about it. 

My suggestion is to stay the hell away from them in all communication as best you can. It WILL NOT make you feel better like you think. You might feel better the few seconds you're talking to them, but it's ten times worse after a text or phone conversation. 
Remember, that person gave you their word that they would always love you, forsaking all others. They failed you. They'll fail for the rest of their life, most likely. You will one day realize that you're better off, but it will take a while. 
Acceptance of how things are NOW is the hardest part. This is a different person than you married. They will be forever. It's best to let them go.
Jmo,
Jbj


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just read your question about the anger thing. I am a man. I akwYs thought if a woman did this kind of thing I'd be mad enough to spit in her face and kick her out immediately. I'd been in my share of fist fights at a younger age-- I'm no wimpy coward.,.

This thing was so sudden, unexpected, and just impossible to grasp, that I basically have never gotten angry like I expected. I was numb through the first 6 months after she said she wanted a divorce. Food had no taste-- I lost 35 lbs in two months, and I was a fairly fit guy. Music that I loved previously sounded dull and without feeling. Life lost it's flavor. But it came back. Take your time, don't even try to work it out in your mind. It will happen. You'll get better. No doubt. But it will tKe a while. I'm sorry some people have no character. Find yourself one that does. I wish you luck and am so sorry this happened to you.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Gotta love the security around here. The weenie dog started off her alarm and instead of an intruder it was the stupid cat but I did find and kill a spider so mission accomplished for this morning.

Morning!

TY JBJ.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Got another text from someone to h. I'm not seeking these things out but all the apple crap is connected to his. I am keeping them in case I can use them then when its final I will delete them, and him.
They were asking him to run errands here and there. The thought of him playing hubby and daddy to them when he sucked at it for us makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I've told him over the years the what he needed was a mousy lil woman who would kiss the ground he walked on. Maybe that's what he got. 

I've got my kids. I've got a plan. It'll be ok. It has to be.


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## tiredofthestupidblondeOW (Aug 7, 2015)

I'm in your shoes so I totally get it. I get the panic attacks...the memories that trigger tears and trying to go thru each day like your trying to be happy is painful in itself. My husband has been going back and forth with his dumb blonde coworker who stroked his ego so much so she literally says she will be the new me after my 24 years of marriage. Know this.....these women who cheat with a married man have no self esteem...they have serious issues that haven't come to light yet and most are psycho in the end and will do anything to keep your husband. I don't know if you want your husband back...that's what you need to decide right now. If you do...tou have to follow the 180 plan. If you don't then just follow the 180 plan anyway. Either way this new woman is temporary and he will not end up with her. Most of the time they want the wife back. It's funny how we don't want them when they come crawling...it's almost disgusting and it absolutely will make u sick. I'm at this point now. The dumb blonde wasn't so great afterall...im learning to love me and learning to be alone and that it's ok. You can too. I hope you receive some personal counceling because they give u tools to combat the manipulation and shut it down. Powerful is an understatement . Good luck


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hi tired, I'm sorry you and I seem to have the same shoe size. I really would never wish all this crap on another decent person in the world.
I am getting personal counciling and I have had some very interesting insights by communicating with people from here.
Today's thoughts let me know I'm still in the denial and guilt coma. I can say that I don't think I've ever been in love with my h. I love him yes but never in love. Whether that be due to What I thought I was suppose to do or trust issues I have I am not sure. It does make me wonder how hard I was over the 14 years to be married to and how easily it was for him to run away to whomever would as you said stroke his ego. 
Still, I own up to the 50%, maybe a little more but he still has the 100% affair to carry. No matter what that was his decision and I didn't make it for him. 
I easily forget that, daily. 
I hope to catch up to you soon on learning to love me and be ok alone.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

HS, I'm glad you keep remembering that he is 100% responsible for his affair. Don't let feelings of wondering if you were a bad wife because you didn't love him enough make you blame yourself. Ask yourself this: Did he stroke my ego? Did he treat me like someone he truly loved and respected? If not, was it pretty much always that way?

Tired, I'm sorry we're all sharing the same shoes. My H left me for a woman who is older than I am, has a 26-year-old jobless daughter and her daughter's jobless boyfriend living with her, is overweight by about 60 pounds, according to him (and he is a Fat Shamer), and wears dentures. We were married 25 years and had a 13-year-old son when he decided to do this. We are now divorced. He is an airline pilot. She will have to be dragged away from him with her dentures still in him. She lives in another state, but he plans to move her down here to where we are (he lives 10 minutes away from me and his son) in a few months, after having spent a total of 11 days with her spread over two visits. Fvck-A-Thons With Fatty. (My hatred of her has turned me into a Fat Shamer now, too.)

No, I don't think it's going to last. The last time he saw her, she came down here, and he literally kept her hidden in his house for five days. He claimed he did that out of respect for me (he also didn't want our son to know she was even here), but clearly, he's ashamed of her. That's a really solid foundation on which to build a lasting relationship.

They're idiots. They make this monumentally selfish and bad decision, and then it's like they are no longer capable of rational thought. I know - it's the Affair Fog. My ex is still in it because he has yet to have to deal with her on a daily basis. He keeps putting off when he's going to move her down here, I'm sure much to her chagrin because she can't wait to be a Pilot's Wife - I know they were looking at rings and wedding venues before I ever knew about her - gee, I wonder why.

Fvcking cheaters. The husbands think the grass is greener because someone desperate not to be alone throws herself at him. The other women are just that - desperate, and like you say, generally psychos. Our brilliant H's don't bother to ask themselves why they've been alone so long not by their own choice in the first place.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Oh crap. H is on his way home. I am freaking out.

He called to tell me he is on his way to the house. He asked if we have plans I said yes. He got upset. I told him if he did not like what I was saying he could call the lawyer and that I did not have to tell him anything especially if I feel threatened by him. He asked if I did and I said yes. He got upset asking over and over what he said to make me feel threatened. I did not respond. He threatened to get his own lawyer. I said go ahead. I told him that he cannot stay here tonight and that he needed to find somewhere else to go.
I need people. To be at my house when he shows up. The more the better. He does not know what he is walking into.
Figures he would come back down early and ruin my plans. Oh I said this would happen LOL.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Oh crap. H is on his way home. I am freaking out.


To do what? Is he planning on staying?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Yes he was planning on staying.
He was trying to manipulate me all over the place. 
I know it is inevitable but I am not ready.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Tell him the talk about marriage forum said "****off little **** cheating bastard" tell him no more beans ex new gf will sit on him if he doesn't stfu


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

He didn't come tonight. My parents are here so at least I'm not alone.
im not sharing you guys with him. He can join some lying cheating assholomio forum. They can all share skanks.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

We are moved. H came by while we were busy, wanted to talk, was wearing a thin gold band on his left ring finger that I was not familiar with. I was a bit hostile and he asked why like he had no idea. 
I asked what he wanted me to be like. I told him I hate him. I said he abandoned me, he abandoned our kids to run up to a woman, a wahore so desperate to go after a married man and him going so easily made me hate him. He said I was wrong and I told him to keep lying to himself because he was so good at it. Then he said, so I guess we aren't going to be friends?
I think I'm moving along nicely into anger now. Why does the line between love and hate have to be so fine?

He wanted to take ds to a movie but I said no and ds told him he was busy at the house and didn't want to go. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said yep!

At least he didn't bring his wahore with him this time and he didn't give me any grief over moving out early.
Today has been one of the most depressing of my life. 😔 I've cried more today than in the last two weeks combined, but not as much as right after dday.
When I looked at him there was absolutely no love there even though he would call my name like he has every day for the last 14 years when he was happy to love me. 
I bet anything today that he will marry his wahore and live happily ever after and I will still be struggling to support myself, my kids and trying to find happiness before I die. Yes I'm dramatizing but I am feeling so hurt and so alone. 

I know I need to let it go but it's hard.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

They will not live happily ever after but i think you know this. Don't let him gaslight you and you can never be friends. You handled it well. The depression and hurt will aid in the detachment so you need that to really let go! Dude


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agree with Dude, when the reality of day to day living sets in and the affair fog clears, the honeymoon period ends then he will realize that he lost his family. His kids will probably never look at him the same way again. Kids do not forget what a man does to their mother. You keep going and you will look back on this day and feel nothing, no sadness nor regret. You can do this and move on.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

H was at the house today. Expects me to go back down there to clean up what's left which is all his stuff.
Says he wants to be friends. 
😠 how can he think that's even possible?? I'm not talking about friendly for the kids I mean he expects to be able to come over and hang out whenever he feels like it or ask me to do things and to actually do them or remind him of things that a wife would know and do but I'm not his wife!! 
For much longer anyway. 
What on earth?! Him keeping in contact for things that don't concern him is putting a speed bump in my being able to let go. He called about the house and then he asked me how my dog was today. He doesn't even like my dog!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> H was at the house today. Expects me to go back down there to clean up what's left which is all his stuff.
> Says he wants to be friends.
> 😠 how can he think that's even possible?? I'm not talking about friendly for the kids I mean he expects to be able to come over and hang out whenever he feels like it or ask me to do things and to actually do them or remind him of things that a wife would know and do but I'm not his wife!!
> For much longer anyway.
> What on earth?! Him keeping in contact for things that don't concern him is putting a speed bump in my being able to let go. He called about the house and then he asked me how my dog was today. He doesn't even like my dog!


Waffling/Fence Sitting/Cake Eating - He is already missing you and might feel like he is making a big mistake trying to keep dialogue with you as a PLAN B. GO DARK ON THIS DUDE!!! Tell him to text you about kids/business only. You will not be his friend and wish him luck....He might be trying to come back in the picture or keep you from moving on to another dude.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Waffling/Fence Sitting/Cake Eating - He is already missing you and might feel like he is making a big mistake trying to keep dialogue with you as a PLAN B. GO DARK ON THIS DUDE!!! Tell him to text you about kids/business only. You will not be his friend and wish him luck....He might be trying to come back in the picture or keep you from moving on to another dude.


So he is trying to keep me as plan b or he is regretting making me plan b?

Yes. I told him he doesn't need to call me. If it concerns community property he can text me or get someone else to call me and tell me what I need to know. He call the kids himself. They each have their own phones for that.
I told him friendship isn't possible right now, maybe after he is dead.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"Dead" ha!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> H was at the house today. Expects me to go back down there to clean up what's left which is all his stuff.
> Says he wants to be friends.
> 😠 how can he think that's even possible?? I'm not talking about friendly for the kids I mean he expects to be able to come over and hang out whenever he feels like it or ask me to do things and to actually do them or remind him of things that a wife would know and do but I'm not his wife!!
> For much longer anyway.
> What on earth?! Him keeping in contact for things that don't concern him is putting a speed bump in my being able to let go. He called about the house and then he asked me how my dog was today. He doesn't even like my dog!


He is trying to make himself feel better about being a big POS. Reality is beginning to set in. Of course he will try and keep his foot in the door and do some cake eating. Nip that in the bud now! Tell him politely there will be no talks, no contact unless it is about the divorce, the financial settlement and the children, (that excludes the dog). Do not be nice to him, he does not deserve anything from you except clear objective communication on the matters above. If he tries to go beyond that, say I have to go now and hang up immediately. Do not get drawn in.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I need to try harder. It's too easy to fall back into conversation with him. I'll say something that was none of his business then remember I shouldn't have said anything and it'll end up hurting me and not him.

He called my ds and tried to pick a fight saying it was all my fault that we are where we are. I don't like him going through my ds to get to me. I need to help ds protect himself and steer clear of it. Any tips would be most appreciated.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

And the manipulator has struck again.
H told ds at some point during their visit today that he was irritated with me because I don't take into consideration that he drove 18 hours just to visit our ds. 
The distance he had to drive to come back from his desperate ****'s home. What a grand gesture he made, isn't it.
Other than the day we were moving and he told me he was coming at the last minute I have not prevented him from seeing the kids. If they don't want to see him they make that decision, not me. So what part am I suppose to care about?
Ds says he doesn't want to make an enemy of his dad by telling him what he really thinks and feels about the situation. The councilor says he should tell him and he doesn't have to do it by yelling or screaming unless that's how he feels to say it best.
Poor kid.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> And the manipulator has struck again.
> H told ds at some point during their visit today that he was irritated with me because I don't take into consideration that he drove 18 hours just to visit our ds.
> The distance he had to drive to come back from his desperate ****'s home. What a grand gesture he made, isn't it.
> Other than the day we were moving and he told me he was coming at the last minute I have not prevented him from seeing the kids. If they don't want to see him they make that decision, not me. So what part am I suppose to care about?
> ...


And hence the panic attacks...Thats why the grief stage of hurt/anger is so important, to DETACH AND NOT GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT HIM. DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Well I'd like to say I'm getting there but I don't know. It's all my fault you know. My fault that we moved here earlier than h wanted us to not to mention to a place he didn't want us to go. It's my fault he strayed and it's my fault he didn't check CL for a whorror closer to home for his convenience isn't it.

I do feel the grieving is evolving in a good way and progressing well. Now it feels like I'm a lucky mom who has to share her kids with an immature, lying, cheating, idiot. Instead of being torn to pieces and finding it hard to breath let alone get up every day.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I need to try harder. It's too easy to fall back into conversation with him. I'll say something that was none of his business then remember I shouldn't have said anything and it'll end up hurting me and not him.
> 
> He called my ds and tried to pick a fight saying it was all my fault that we are where we are. I don't like him going through my ds to get to me. I need to help ds protect himself and steer clear of it. Any tips would be most appreciated.



How old is Ds? Kids are not easily fooled and will have made their own conclusions. Honesty is the best policy, I don't think you have to sugar coat things. They need to know that even the people the love are people with many many faults and failings. They will learn that eventually in life anyhow.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> And the manipulator has struck again.
> H told ds at some point during their visit today that he was irritated with me because I don't take into consideration that he drove 18 hours just to visit our ds.
> The distance he had to drive to come back from his desperate ****'s home. What a grand gesture he made, isn't it.
> Other than the day we were moving and he told me he was coming at the last minute I have not prevented him from seeing the kids. If they don't want to see him they make that decision, not me. So what part am I suppose to care about?
> ...


The counselor has it spot on. Why should your DS have to make your WH's life easier. In fact he has lost that privilege, he is the one who created this mess. He is not entitled to any brownie points for doing anything that a father should do. in fact he should be minused a million brownie points for throwing you all under the bus in the first place. Do NOT get into that way of thinking. As far as you are concerned from here on out, he and his feelings are not your problem, he is merely the biological father or your son, nothing more or less. :frown2:

When your husband starts down this path of blaming you for everything remember his is a grown man who was supposed to lead his family and like the obvious yellow belly (coward) he is, of course he has to find a scapegoat. IGNORE him unless you do get the chance to tell him off in those terms. His head is in a cloud but I think it seems the clouds are clearing and then he will be faced with reality. But that is his problem, no longer yours. You just take care of your Ds and be open and honest with him.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Like, like, like aine. That is what I told my son last night. He is 11 btw. 

H is getting money from his parents to live off of since he isn't working. Do I have any rights to that or no? I don't know how much he has because I don't have access to it but I'm betting it's plenty and far more than what I've got.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Like, like, like aine. That is what I told my son last night. He is 11 btw.
> 
> H is getting money from his parents to live off of since he isn't working. Do I have any rights to that or no? I don't know how much he has because I don't have access to it but I'm betting it's plenty and far more than what I've got.


Wait, this dude took off with another woman and doesn't have an income? No, you would have no rights to gifts received from his parents unless due to lack of payments and you got a lien against him at some point. DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Yes. He quit his job, has accepted a new one but won't start until the end of this month. Has been out of work since the end of last month. Has spent two weeks with his ow. 
Maybe I need to do a recap to help put a time line on all this for myself?

March-h started playing the online game.
May-h started acting abnormal at home
June 15-had discussion and considered divorce.
July 13- I found out about h ea. decided on divorce.
July 23- h quit job and went to Utah to the ow.
Aug 7- h came back from Utah.
Aug 8- I cleaned out the house and moved to be with family.
First hearing is tomorrow.

Fast? Slow? Wish it were done....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Yes. He quit his job, has accepted a new one but won't start until the end of this month. Has been out of work since the end of last month. Has spent two weeks with his ow.
> Maybe I need to do a recap to help put a time line on all this for myself?
> 
> March-h started playing the online game.
> ...


Online games???!! Yeah, you are probably better off without him anyway...Those actions are bizarre fantasy crap. This might just be a gift that was handed your way! Protect yourself and kids and proceed unabated w big D. DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I know every divorce case is different but if there is any advice out there to help get through the first hearing I'd love to hear it.
I've been told to: dress appropriately, do not get over emotional, be myself, don't worry about the other people there, crying is ok but after, and if h starts victimizing himself to let my lawyer know?
I am worried enough I feel sick.

Anything else I need to know or what to do?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I know every divorce case is different but if there is any advice out there to help get through the first hearing I'd love to hear it.
> I've been told to: dress appropriately, do not get over emotional, be myself, don't worry about the other people there, crying is ok but after, and if h starts victimizing himself to let my lawyer know?
> I am worried enough I feel sick.
> 
> Anything else I need to know or what to do?


Is this a contested divorce? This sounds like a lot more legal mumbo jumbo than I had in my divorce way back when. We just showed up and the judge asked a few questions and stamped that bad boy. It was all done in like 15 mins.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

No, not contested.
I've got the only lawyer.

Can't sleep. Feel sick. 
Think I'm back in the grief numbness. Like I don't know what's really going on because the glass is foggy. 
Worried about how the kids are going to take tomorrow. Worried about how I am going to take tomorrow. 
Really wish this could be done without me there.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Well I'll be dawggone. It wasn't nearly the fire and brimstone medieval scene with the lashing of whips and screams of pain I had imagined. It was more like waiting in line at the dmv or being put on hold with the phone company.
H was mostly agreeable and only steaming mad about a couple of things. I was mostly agreeable and only piercing mad about a couple of things.

I felt bad for h. He came in and looked horrible. Disheveled, disturbed and worn looking. And he had nobody there for him. I had the kids and a couple of other family members there for support and we were just having a good time making each other laugh while waiting and in between negotiations with the lawyer.

Ds wouldn't speak to him much at all and dd said some choice words I didn't think she would let out of her mouth. Both left with a more negative feeling about him. He left angry and probably hurt and I just left. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I understand the final may not be this easy and I realize that tomorrow is a new day but I think, once again at this moment, h is really going to be the one to suffer from all this.
I feel like I need to be nice to him, maybe out of pity?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Well I'll be dawggone. It wasn't nearly the fire and brimstone medieval scene with the lashing of whips and screams of pain I had imagined. It was more like waiting in line at the dmv or being put on hold with the phone company.
> 
> I understand the final may not be this easy and I realize that tomorrow is a new day but I think, once again at this moment, h is really going to be the one to suffer from all this.
> I feel like I need to be nice to him, maybe out of pity?


Didn't I tell you this? The wayward is the one that is SCREWED UP! You are just grieving my friend...DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Today was a day for grieving.
Have been applying for jobs left and right. Even the jobs that are meant for teenagers who need a little spending money. Irritated me that I'm in my 30s, single, living with family and my two kids and I'm having to get just about any kind of work instead of what I'd be able to get in a year from now when my degree would be mine. 
Felt like I wanted to scream inside from anger, or hatred, for the position I have been put in. Felt hurt just as much as wanting to scream. Couldn't scream, just cry in defeat. Been here a week and I ridiculously expected to have a job by now.

H texted that he wants me to do this and according to our agreement he has this right or that right. Well, yes he does but to ask at the last minute and to assume I'll just fall in line and do as he says, how he says, when he says is maddening.

Like many have told me I'm too nice and accommodating when it comes to him. I am afraid of still getting hurt by him. Luckily I had some help to get down the right words to tell him so I wasn't nice or too accommodating and he isn't going to get it how he wants.
When I saw who had texted I felt panicked. It was out of the blue. Really wish I could get over fearing more hurt from him. Everyone tells me it'll take time to grow strong again. I don't feel like I have time to spare. I need to be working a week ago, I need h out of my life yesterday. I need to get my own home tomorrow. That's what it feels like to me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HS you have to give yourself time to grieve and breathe, at this time in your life you should not be so hard on yourself. you have done very well so far. The job will come and as you move on the pain will lessen. 
What agreement have you entered into that allows him to boss you around? He has lost any rights over you. What makes you think that he can do this? If you are actively looking for a job then it is none of his business. Do not let him do or say anything that undermines you, he has no right. You have to put your foot down from now on and learn to say 'no', if he reacts, calmly tell him, you are no longer together and if he wants anything from you in relation to son, etc go through your lawyer, that is the only way you will communicate from now on. Do not let him get into your head or allow the next phase of your life to have any input from him at all. Remember he has lost all rights in that regard when he did what he did. Start living that belief.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeysuckle hang in there, really do, I have very briefly caught up on some of your dramas, whilst still on holiday (yup with the STBXW on a small island and it's tough) and from what I can see, keep on going you seem to be going forward, grieving and paining but doing, and that's what you need to keep in mind, the doing. Just hoping your are good and will catch up again, but keep smiling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

HS, what a pain about the hearings. I never had to step foot in court in Florida, and my ex only had to once to finalize things. He got the lawyer and he filed - I got a very generous settlement so didn't contest it. I did have to go to a notary to sign the settlement first, but that wasn't a huge deal.

I struggle more than I thought I would with the notion of being divorced and a bonafide single Mom. I'm sure it's another phase in this grieving process I have to get through. I hoped to be relieved when it was final, but I was just sad.

When you find yourself feeling sad or sorry for him, remember the position he's so selfishly put you and your kids in, and how he's trying to play your son against you. Anger is an underrated emotion. If you can manage it, it can be very motivating and empowering. I had some great, very satisfying workouts when I was at my angriest. And some nights when it was only my anger that put thoughts in my head (like the fiery wreck I told you about) that let me sleep. Sadness will keep you up all night. Let your friend Anger kick its a$$ to the curb.

Two words: Camper inferno.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Lol. Camper inferno! Camper inferno! Camper inferno!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

H came to pick up my son and before he got here he had a list of demands for me in a text that he sent three times. He has exclusive rights to this, he wants that, he wants me to bring this to him. He keeps throwing "according to our agreement..." At me but he bent it to fit what he wants. I told him no. I wasn't mean or angry but I told him no. I also told him that we need to resolve the hostility when he comes to get my son because it's putting him in the middle which is wrong. 

He went on to talk about poor poor him and how he has no help to clean up his mess. He went on about his family like I am suppose to care. Sad thing is if he asked me for genuine help I'd be the doop and do it. I need to stop loving him, I need to stop hurting and I need to let him go once and for all. I know what I need, I just can't get it done. Yet.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Honeysuckle, I know it's hard, one foot in front of the other, day by day you will make progress. Good for you on saying no!
When he starts moaning to you tell him, I am sorry but I don't want to hear it. Make it very clear he no longer has your ear in this regard and it's only official business from here on out. He should be dumping his crap on the OW not you.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

After h dropped off my son he called and left a voicemail griping. Just griping and picking on something that isn't his business and that he has no control over. He is really crotchety today which is funny because I'm in a better mood lol. I'm trying hard not to rise to his invitation to bicker but man oh man is it hard. 😉

He should definitely go dump on his whorror, isn't that why he replaced me? Hehehe.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Woke up this morning to cool breeze and cloudy skies, my favorite!! Love it when there are little signs that fall is coming. 

h's sister contacted me. We keep in touch. It's very sad that I'm closer to her now than I ever have been and it took h alienating his family to do that. H has been telling them that it's all my fault the marriage is bad, and that I drove him to cheat and that I hate them and don't want the kids to know them. Which of course is not true. I have not talked to them except his sister since we moved and not sure if I should but I sure don't want them to feel like they can't see their grandchildren. I think h is trying to use the kids to control them as well as me. Wish they could see through his lies. Wish my kids were older, like 16 but it is what it is.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Lol. Camper inferno! Camper inferno! Camper inferno!


You ladies are downright mean!! Hell hath no fury like a woman scourned!!! DuDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Progress marker for today:

Bad day. Got groceries, school clothes, school supplies. Had no one to tell it about to. 
H picked up our son early and dropped him off late. Told him he was going to do pretty much as he pleases where that is concerned. Told him that my lawyer tells me a lot of things other lawyers don't seem to tell anyone else. Since he still hasn't gotten one for himself I doubt he has talked to many.

I was crying so hard earlier I couldn't breath and now I'm so mad I'm shaking. My teeth are chattering. Want to fight over what he keeps telling my son. 

Had a job interview today for a place where I'd have to work every weekend and at least two nights a week. Forget finishing school and forget weekends with the kids. I don't think I can do that one. 
I don't have to have a job tomorrow so maybe I can keep looking.
:'( :'( :'(. Pretty bad day.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Enrolled in two classes for this semester. Still looking for work. School starts Monday for the kids and myself. Afraid of having nothing to do.
H is already behind on his payments. Surprise. Guess that happens when he doesn't have a job to go to yet. Hope they'll hold out more to make up for it. 
Really wish I could turn off what feelings are left for him. Wish I could leave them on the side of the road for someone else to pick up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Once you start back at school, meeting others, etc it will get easier. Make some new friends, go out a bit. A job will come and you will look back at this time and realize you are a strong and wonderful woman. Take care.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

It's birthday was yesterday. I said a happy birthday in my head but after that I was way to busy to think about it again. My dd had a great first day, my ds had the worst. It'll change over the course of the year I'm sure. 

Ds had to answer a questionairre and one of the questions was to name a person who inspired him and he wrote-my mom, my parents are getting a divorce-on it. I was honored and saddened at the same time. I sure wish I had a buzzer that would let me know ahead of time what little thing will set me off in tears. Back to the choking feeling when I cry, like I can't breath. Think I'm still in stupid denial. My mind refuses to look at the reality of what is happening. It doesn't feel like h cheated on me and abandoned us for some desperate **** with a ready made family. It feels like we are in a long fight with massive silent treatment. Again, I'm sure it'll change over the course of the year. I wonder how bad it'll be or won't when it does.

Haven't heard from wh and that's very good. He has this week until he supposedly starts his new job but who knows, maybe he will get eaten by a mountain lion, or poisoned by roadkill casserole or sexually assaulted at a truck stop and unable to walk the rest of his life while up there in the state that shall not be named. I am hoping for a miracle and preparing for the worst, him coming back.
We have excellent life insurance and since he can't change any of it until the divorce is final....people do die every day. ~cough~ 

Still job hunting.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Not sure what this is or means or maybe I'm reading way too much into it all.

Ds called h last night, guess he was really missing him. I was on the phone and h was trying to relay messages through ds. I told ds h could call me, that I wasn't going to talk through him. That isn't right. Right after that h calls my phone while I'm still on it SEVEN times. No voice mail, one text. I turned it off he was driving me crazy. 

This morning I answered his text which turned into a text argument that turned into a humorous conversation between us that to me felt like a little flirting. Very very weird.
Must be very hard to keep his attention on his whorror when he is cutting up with me. Maybe I should send him pics of crap all the time so she will get tired of it and him. 
No, I wouldn't do that. Back to silence.

Two weeks, still no job. Can I just sleep for the next year and wake up when it's better?
This sucks hairy monkey butt.
Aine, could use a whack with that stick or board or something. Just knock me out.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

First weekend my son wants to stay with h. Kind of hurt a little to let him go.
H shows up 30 min. late, forgot to pick something up the kids need for school Monday (which means I'll have to do it myself or nag him to get it done) and looked like a child. Black leather lace-less work boots, shorts, tucked in t-shirt over his jiggly dad-belly and man boobs and a toddler haircut which he claims took two hours to get. Yeah, I can see how some fantasy gamer **** would find that so darn sexy. I thought over this week I haven't heard from him he would magically transform into something hot. I was so wrong lol. Don't most guys who cheat or have a mid-life crisis start getting into shape, take up a sport or at least get a tan??? Yeah not this nerd. 
I'm down two sizes at least, my hair is shiny and my make-up (war paint) is fantastic!! He came looking like crap in a bag and I look good! Made me feel awesome for a little bit.

When we all went out to get what he forgot, hand off the one child, glare daggers at him from the other he looked like he was ready to run. We three are a force to be reckoned with. 
Son was ticked he was late and didn't want to take his games that his dad never likes to play and has told my son point blank he doesn't like playing with him but specifically asked for this time and daughter looked very much like the murderer of nightmares when he took his last look at the house and saw her. She could either melt ice or make ice with her cold stare.

Standard visitation is 6 p.m. Friday to 6 p.m. Sunday. My son doesn't want to stay with H two nights so I asked he have him back here by 8 so we can go to church on Sunday. H started to complain so I got my back up and said he needed to be here no later than 10 since that is bed time and he has things to do on Sunday too. Then I said ok, son agreed then gave me a big bear hug, I told him not to forget to call me and then they left. 

I'm done griping for now. 
BBL


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I wonder if every day my son goes with his dad if the depression will intensify. H came to get him yesterday and while they were gone he called me twice and texted twice not concerning my son. It was over where he thought a key that holds no importance to either of us might be. He ended up bringing my son back early and wanted to talk to me but I was busy and said I would communicate (I'm not calling him!!) with him later.

It doesn't seem that it was very hard for him to have thrown me and the 14 years we had away. I am convinced that he is living the high life in his camper at the rv park, working his new job, playing his online games, being as gross as he wants and sexting up his ***** as often as he wants. So why wont he give me the curtesy of trying to move on myself without his little calls or texts over nothings??? 
My sympathies go out to those who have gone through this that were married longer than I. I don't know how you did it. 

Had an interview today. Have another one next week. Maybe things are starting to look up a little bit here.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

H came to get my son for the weekend. We had a nice discussion outside the house that had some of the neighbors watching because h would raise his voice when he didn't get his way with the conversation. It was interesting to notice that every time he didn't get his way he would take a step back towards his car. Wonder how insecure he really is. And to get loud when he felt threatened I guess? Forget a decent mature conversation with him. Ever. I felt like I was scolding a child.
The moment I saw his car pull up I was exhausted so sadly I was a bit nasty to him but I didn't yell, or raise my voice or nag or insult. Just didn't put up with his crap. 
Felt guilty for being nasty when I got back inside. Councilor says it's because that's not my normal character and he brings it out of me. 

My son just texted me saying how lonely he is staying in hs camper. I have no doubt that h went into what bedroom it has and closed the door isolating my son. Definitely not making sure he is ok. If that is the way he is doing it I can bet it won't take long for my son to not want to go there anymore at all. ;(
What an ass of a father. Making excuses on his days to not be around, not get things done beforehand so he has to do them while my son is with him instead of just spending time with him. He really does suck.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And aren't you glad you are rid of him? Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I was really hoping to be able to come on here and share having a new awesome job but that hasn't happened yet.

I need someone with experience, lots of people with experience to explain something to me. I have not communicated with stbxh since he met me to pick up my son on Sunday. Monday he texts me telling me some show he likes to watch starts back up later this fall. I don't respond. Today he texts me to tell me to do something. I don't respond but I do what he wanted or at least take it to the next step so it can get done without me getting further involved. It was dealing with the divorce and kids so I did do it. 
What I need help understanding is 1) why does he text me one minute with crap that has nothing to do with me or the kids and then 2) text me the next time very coldly? 
The only things I can figure are he texted the wrong person, he is bored, it's out of habit, he had a bad day, texting me is the only way he can tell me what he wants with arrogance (yes t comes through) and I can't do anything about it without sinking to his level.
Why can't he keep it to kids and what's left of our joint finance issues? I could deal with that better. Throw in crap I don't care about or need to know and it feels like a set back.

Can anyone explain?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

He's still conflicted about leaving you and this his way of keep communications open. It's actually showing weakness in himself if you think about it. Just keep him on ignore it wil drive him crazy! Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> He's still conflicted about leaving you and this his way of keep communications open. It's actually showing weakness in himself if you think about it. Just keep him on ignore it wil drive him crazy! Dude


So is that why he gets mean? Because he realizes he is showing weakness by contacting me when he doesn't need to be?

This is some really messed up cow patties. He is the one that decided to be done. He decided to throw me away and he wont let me move on because he is insecure with his decisions??

Good grief, am I suppose to burp him and change his diaper too???
Whats it gonna take for this coward of a cheater to be a man already.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ignore it. Never respond. My ex just sent me a bunch of hooey tonight... I think guilt has these types so screwed up in the head that they don't know which way was up. He is just wanting to communicate to see if you still have feelings for him to stroke his ego/sense of power. Ignore. I wish I had tonight.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Don't worry Evinrude, there will always be tomorrow night to try again.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Ignore it. Never respond. My ex just sent me a bunch of hooey tonight... I think guilt has these types so screwed up in the head that they don't know which way was up. He is just wanting to communicate to see if you still have feelings for him to stroke his ego/sense of power. Ignore. I wish I had tonight.


Well said...DUDE


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I was really hoping to be able to come on here and share having a new awesome job but that hasn't happened yet.
> 
> I need someone with experience, lots of people with experience to explain something to me. I have not communicated with stbxh since he met me to pick up my son on Sunday. Monday he texts me telling me some show he likes to watch starts back up later this fall. I don't respond. Today he texts me to tell me to do something. I don't respond but I do what he wanted or at least take it to the next step so it can get done without me getting further involved. It was dealing with the divorce and kids so I did do it.
> What I need help understanding is 1) why does he text me one minute with crap that has nothing to do with me or the kids and then 2) text me the next time very coldly?
> ...


Hey Honeysuckle, sorry I been off for so long. So back to it, this pricked my attention for sure, this whole contact thing, not sure if this is explanation, but it does seem to be something that occurs. I have the same thing, getting text messages. I am yet to start any kind of conversation that has undergone since we returned from holidays several weeks ago, yet I will get random texts almost daily, some I respond to some I don't, but they can be anything from asking if I'm okay, to telling me how bad a day she had. But the big thing is one day it will be all friendly chat, the next it will be "I need this to happen", or "can we sort this, I want that" it is bizarre, it's almost as if the friendly day is reflected upon and its "oh er, shouldn't show friendliness, better make up with attitude"

The answer, well I am not so sure without cutting the lines of communication entirely, which is not a possibility given child and financial necessities, but perhaps draw the line, don't respond to anything other than what is necessary and may he will get the picture.
I think you need to look upon it as him being needy to you, that he needs to know you are still there, still hanging, look upon it that you are the stronger person for not having to be so needy to have to text such inane things and that may just help you not feel so much as set back. Its tough I think we can all appreciate that, but it sounds like you are going in the right direction and it can only be upwards.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Shinobi said:


> I have the same thing, getting text messages. I am yet to start any kind of conversation that has undergone since we returned from holidays several weeks ago, yet I will get random texts almost daily, some I respond to some I don't, but they can be anything from asking if I'm okay, to telling me how bad a day she had. But the big thing is one day it will be all friendly chat, the next it will be "I need this to happen", or "can we sort this, I want that" it is bizarre, it's almost as if the friendly day is reflected upon and its "oh er, shouldn't show friendliness, better make up with attitude".


Exactly!! He throws in little things like telling me he has to be some place or get this done by this time. I haven't taken his bait and I don't ask anything about them. I don't respond. Its not my place and truly I don't care until I have time to ponder why he does that in the first place.




Shinobi said:


> I think you need to look upon it as him being needy to you, that he needs to know you are still there, still hanging, look upon it that you are the stronger person for not having to be so needy to have to text such inane things and that may just help you not feel so much as set back. Its tough I think we can all appreciate that, but it sounds like you are going in the right direction and it can only be upwards.


I hope you're right.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> I haven't taken his bait and I don't ask anything about them. I don't respond. Its not my place and truly I don't care until I have time to ponder why he does that in the first place.


Yes, yes and yes!! Moving in a forwards direction, "I don't respond", "I don't care" look over those words now and think back not so long ago and consider would you have been able to say that then?




honeysuckle04 said:


> I hope you're right.


Oh yes, indeed, hope is a good thing and it sounds you are making your own hope work.:smile2:


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

You are right!! I just remembered how I dreaded getting anything from him. How it would make me physically sick. The panic attacks and anxiety, the drowning feeling and insomnia. I would walk on egg shells over a text! Wow. I do still get upset and maybe even cry for a minute but nothing like before and that was...six and a half weeks ago I started this thread. The crying now isn't even over him so much, just the mental stress of my situation. How selfish is that? Lol.
I sleep so good now since he isn't snoring a chainsaw into my brain at night. I will admit I miss having someone with me, for me but not him. 
Maybe I can dream of something good. Hope for something better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Things will get better and better. When you can laugh at least a little about some of the negatives which you can start realizing they have like the snoring and such, you know you're on your way to healing. I have personally found that any contact pertaining to the relationship is just too hurtful. It never made me feel better. Just for the moment the conversation or text lasted and I felt a "part of their life" again was kinda good, then hours and hours of feeling like crap. It wasn't worth it. Now I avoid talking to her and when I do, I get over the hurt very quickly. There's a lot of people out there that just aren't worth your time. LOTS. We both apparently picked the wrong ones. 
Glad you're making progress.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I have personally found that any contact pertaining to the relationship is just too hurtful. It never made me feel better. Just for the moment the conversation or text lasted and I felt a "part of their life" again was kinda good, then hours and hours of feeling like crap. It wasn't worth it.


Exactly.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Things will get better and better. When you can laugh at least a little about some of the negatives which you can start realizing they have like the snoring and such, you know you're on your way to healing. I have personally found that any contact pertaining to the relationship is just too hurtful. It never made me feel better. Just for the moment the conversation or text lasted and I felt a "part of their life" again was kinda good, then hours and hours of feeling like crap. It wasn't worth it. Now I avoid talking to her and when I do, I get over the hurt very quickly. There's a lot of people out there that just aren't worth your time. LOTS. We both apparently picked the wrong ones.
> Glad you're making progress.


But if you think about it, you will always have the memories of your life together. I think once you stop thinking about the hurt and negative aspects of the ex, and remember the good times as well, you are probably healed. That's when it is filed away properly.(ie the movie Inside Out). You can always keep a piece of them with you. "How would ex handle this problem and that problem?" Also, realization that people are ultimately only in your life for a season. It takes time, but the feeling like crap part is to detach. Dude


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> But if you think about it, you will always have the memories of your life together. I think once you stop thinking about the hurt and negative aspects of the ex, and remember the good times as well, you are probably healed. That's when it is filed away properly.(ie the movie Inside Out). You can always keep a piece of them with you. "How would ex handle this problem and that problem?" Also, realization that people are ultimately only in your life for a season. It takes time, but the feeling like crap part is to detach. Dude


Yeah I'm not there yet and not sure I want to ever be, remembering the good times. I don't want to keep a piece of him with me but is inevitable because of my kids. BESIDES the kids why would I want to keep a piece of him with me when I was what was tossed???

I don't agree that people are only in our lives for a season. I think they are in our lives for a reason. Reasons and seasons change but both can be weathered and gotten through with work and love.

Nah, I'll grudge on. You can keep him with you if you want. Be warned though, he lies, cheats, snores, has no common sense and kisses like a soggy can opener. Good luck with that!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> But if you think about it, you will always have the memories of your life together. I think once you stop thinking about the hurt and negative aspects of the ex, and remember the good times as well, you are probably healed. That's when it is filed away properly.(ie the movie Inside Out). You can always keep a piece of them with you. "How would ex handle this problem and that problem?" Also, realization that people are ultimately only in your life for a season. It takes time, but the feeling like crap part is to detach. Dude


You may be right. It's taking me time to fully turn the corner.
At the moment, I feel that the past years of my life in the form of memories have been robbed from me--- because remembering things with her is just painful. Every time, I visualize the old person I once loved and then realize that the whole time, they were thinking to themselves that I'm not rich enough, handsome enough, fun enough, etc. And that they were secretly wanting to find someone else to replace me with. I asked my ex the other night when she was ranting exactly what I did that made her want to divorce me. Her response--- "just 18 years of you"..... I'm thinking, 4 of those 18 years we were just dating, and she was begging me to marry her all the time. So I couldn't have been that bad. I was also young, had a bad temper, and could be a pain in the rear during that time. I have been a much easier person to live with, more attentive to her, etc. for the last 10 or 12 years we were married. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have any addictions, never anything physical, never an affair of any kind, always a good provider, etc. I took good care of her. I don't want to ever remember that disloyal, shallow, characterless person that once was my wife. I'd rather create new happy memories with a woman that loves me. I have found one, and I am in love with her. But as usual, there's more involved than just she and I.
Always enjoy your comments,
Evinrude


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> You may be right. It's taking me time to fully turn the corner.
> At the moment, I feel that the past years of my life in the form of memories have been robbed from me--- because remembering things with her is just painful. Every time, I visualize the old person I once loved and then realize that the whole time, they were thinking to themselves that I'm not rich enough, handsome enough, fun enough, etc. And that they were secretly wanting to find someone else to replace me with. I asked my ex the other night when she was ranting exactly what I did that made her want to divorce me. Her response--- "just 18 years of you"..... I'm thinking, 4 of those 18 years we were just dating, and she was begging me to marry her all the time. So I couldn't have been that bad. I was also young, had a bad temper, and could be a pain in the rear during that time. I have been a much easier person to live with, more attentive to her, etc. for the last 10 or 12 years we were married. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have any addictions, never anything physical, never an affair of any kind, always a good provider, etc. I took good care of her. I don't want to ever remember that disloyal, shallow, characterless person that once was my wife. I'd rather create new happy memories with a woman that loves me. I have found one, and I am in love with her. But as usual, there's more involved than just she and I.
> Always enjoy your comments,
> Evinrude


Why are your still conversing with your ex if you are with someone else now? just curious..DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Why are your still conversing with your ex if you are with someone else now? just curious..DUDE


Sounds like a good topic for a new thread.
Who still converses with their exes when with someone new, not kid related.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Why are your still conversing with your ex if you are with someone else now? just curious..DUDE


We have 3 young kids together that I have every other week, and my ex and I work at the same location. Yes, I will likely not be free from her for many years, and the saga will continue. I am with someone else, and am considering a long term thing with her. I rarely talk about anything but kid stuff with the ex, which is still fairly considerable, but sometimes the "other" which always ends up biting me in the arse. Yes, it has been a nightmare seeing her daily during all this. Pure torture. I plan on switching job locations soon. It actually has gotten to the point that I am disgusted with the sight of her, no other emotion. It's not that bad now. 


It's shocking to read all the stories on here and see how the patterns of behavior go, and sad how easily people are willing to forget their vows and obligations to their family for such selfish, shameful reasons. I feel at this point I am a lucky man to be rid of such a person, while having time left to meet and have a life with a person who really does love me--- I hope.....
Good luck to the OP. I am always pulling for the betrayed person, of course!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ok I get that then, did u ever once think about being w someone else? Even for a brief moment? If so, that may help you heal faster. Sorry hs for thread jack back to your regularly scheduled program. Ha dude


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Yeah I'm not there yet and not sure I want to ever be, remembering the good times. I don't want to keep a piece of him with me but is inevitable because of my kids. BESIDES the kids why would I want to keep a piece of him with me when I was what was tossed???
> 
> I don't agree that people are only in our lives for a season. I think they are in our lives for a reason. Reasons and seasons change but both can be weathered and gotten through with work and love.
> 
> Nah, I'll grudge on. You can keep him with you if you want. Be warned though, he lies, cheats, snores, has no common sense and kisses like a soggy can opener. Good luck with that!!


Liking the attitude there honeysuckle, he lies, he cheats, snores........... shows that you can say things, think things, hold some anger without hurting to much, that has to feel good.

As for not being there yet, time, that is probably the biggest word, time, it can do so much in reality. As for remembering the good times, all I can say is that I understand that and not being sure if you want to. My recent holiday with the STBXW highlighted that, last year (same place) was a good memory, this year it was blighted through the situation, the actions and words that went on, some of which nearly destroyed me emotionally, and leaves me torn, I remember fine well the good, and much of it I see as good, but also intertwined with that is the more recent bad, and it tarnishes the good at this time, and it throws things into a maelstrom of feelings, but perhaps Evinrude is right it does take time to turn the corner, again TIME, and it will be time that tells.

No matter I do hope you are well and good :smile2:


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Glad you made it back from holiday alive Shinobi. You sound better too. 

I hate time. It doesn't seem to be on my side. 
Waiting for his paycheck to go through so I can pay bills, once again. So tired of this. It seems I'm always waiting. Waiting to hear back about another job, waiting to hear back from the lawyer, waiting on him to do what he is suppose to do. Better go practice patience and stop wearing the soles of my shoes out.

It's going to be another one of those kinds of days.

Is this what it comes down to after divorce? A child support payment here, a pick up and drop off there, no communication what so ever that is not child related? Feels a lot like exile or what I imagine a form of exile would feel like.
not drowning, but still floundering with life while he doesn't have a care in the world except for himself.
6 weeks separated
4 weeks jobless

Definitely one of those kinds of days.
Pity party.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I can finally post I've been offered a job. It won't pay much but it'll give me insurance, benefits, good hours and a little salary that is MINE and I'll be able to finish getting my degree while working!
I won't be dependent on stbxh much longer!!

:yay::yay::yay:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Awesome! Very happy for you. It's about time you had a little good news and you deserve it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Congrats, HS! Great news! Something good does happen in September sometimes, after all.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Congrats!!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Way to go Honeysuckle, independence, security and above all your future, big woohoo to ya, that's got to be a good feeling.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Hi Honeysucle04, I have read your post and I am so glad you found a job!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thank you all for your well wishes. I am excited about the job!

I wish the rest of my life would fall into peace.
H keeps up with the texting. Checking to see if I've paid this or that because I'm obviously an idiot that can't do it Without him dictating to me. He texted today, "when you are ready to talk let me know." Really?! What the heck?! I haven't talked to him in over two weeks. I'm done. I'm moving on. Unless he has an emergency with the kids why would I need to talk to him??? Why would he expect me to call him at all? I am not one to initiate conversation with stupid. Yet here I am giving him thought at all so I guess that makes me stupid. 
I know he is bored, lonely and missing the control and family he had but that is all his fault he doesn't have it anymore. He screwed up and lost it.

He came to pick up my son who really did not want to go with him so they argued then my daughter yelled at h to leave her brother alone. Then he yelled at her that she was just his daughter and that my son was just his son so he is entitled to yell at both of them. I was inside cleaning up dinner so this is all second hand to me but no matter, it wasn't good. My son already thinks that h only wants him there to have some sort of control over somebody. It is too bad he hasn't vanished out of our lives more or made a better effort to be a better dad. As the kids get older it'll become irrelevant as they'll make up their own minds and act accordingly. I have told h several times throughout the years that he was going to be the one to miss out, that he would wake up one morning and wonder where we went. Guess it might happen sooner than I thought.

Tomorrow is a new day.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeysuckle, you are quite right tomorrow is a new day, and a day to put this scenario behind you.

You sound in a good place, you know there is no need to contact him, you know why he is trying to contact you, for the element of control, as demonstrated over the kids, but best of all you know he has lost the most. I'd say that is the upper hand.

The kids will decide as the grow up, and allowing them to do so without prejudice is the best you can do for them,mif he carries on like that with them, he will lose even more and be very lonely, and be looking back at you whom shall have it all. The tide has well and truly turned, and it's going to be a big spring tide that will wash him out to sea!

And you are far from stupid, you gave him some thought, quite simply because you could just to think why and that you know better, and have avoided initiating conversation.

You have your new job to look forward to, the kids, your space and you knowing yourself, your place and that you are on the brighter side.

Looking good from here ;-)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mine texted me a long string of rabid nonsense about how bad I was, for no apparent reason yesterday. The day before she texted me "don't text, don't call, don't email me". I responded "emails duly noted, have a stress-free weekend". I then went out to a country club for steak and lobster and some opera with my friend of 6 months. We are headed to the symphony tonight. I am going to be ok. You will be also, and he will then have a nightmare wondering why he left you. If you want the old boy back, you will surely have your chance. The ball is in your court. Good luck.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Today was a sad sack heart day. My emotions for h run monthly it seems. At least I'll know when to expect it and what to do about it. Today I ended up walking 9.41 miles just to get out of my head. I'm so tired now I think I'll be able to sleep with no problems.

My son told me today that he is trying to help his *****s spawn with something for school. That's wonderful! I couldn't get him to help me or our kids but he is more than willing to play daddy from a distance. Just f'ing great. 

Things I know without a doubt: he is an idiot. He will never change. He is not coming back. I do not want him back. I can count on me. My kids can count on me. Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. Patience actually is a virtue, one I have no choice but to obtain. 

Tomorrow will be better.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Just a vent:
Again with the texting!! And they're nasty like too. I am to receive this and that on this and that day and it's not set up yet so I was told to take it out. Well, he was griping about how that wasn't what was agreed upon and that isn't what the court says and blah blah blah. Then he copies me on a nasty email he sent to my lawyer because his texts weren't enough. 
Isn't he in an affair? Doesn't he have a ***** to be lovey dovey with over the Internet??? 

I know the best thing is to let the lawyer handle it and I know the best way to tick him off is to keep ignoring him which is what I'm doing but I sure want to give it back to him and put him in his place. I really really do. 😡


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Honeysuckle,

Take a breath, take a seat and let it flow over you. You have a lawyer, they will do with it, and how come he is emailing your lawyer AND telling you, surely if he wanted some wham behind it he would give it the lawyer and let them sock it to you, but no he has gone solo. 

In my relatively extensive (8years through UK family courts for my kids) if there are lawyers involved that's who it goes through. He is giving extra pressure to push you buttons, don't let him. Await the response and update from your lawyer and give them the info back.
You do say you have not responded so that is good, you can. It be seen to be creating any extra difficulties, and you don't give him the satisfaction.

Bide your time, it will come and that kicking will be a hoof so big it will measured as a minor tremor across the tectonics plates.

Hang in there look after yourself, your new job, the kids and keep doing only what you need to regards him and you will be out there smiling in the autumn sunshine.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Just a vent:
> Again with the texting!! And they're nasty like too. I am to receive this and that on this and that day and it's not set up yet so I was told to take it out. Well, he was griping about how that wasn't what was agreed upon and that isn't what the court says and blah blah blah. Then he copies me on a nasty email he sent to my lawyer because his texts weren't enough.
> Isn't he in an affair? Doesn't he have a ***** to be lovey dovey with over the Internet???
> 
> I know the best thing is to let the lawyer handle it and I know the best way to tick him off is to keep ignoring him which is what I'm doing but I sure want to give it back to him and put him in his place. I really really do. 😡



HS, You are doing really great, proud of you! Just stick it out, do NOT reply to his texts at all, no contact at all, let your lawyer handle whatever needs to be handled. He is trying to keep a foot in the door so he can control your life, he has lost that privilege. By being dark, you will irk him even more, leave him lost in his wandering mind while you move on with your life to bigger and better things. :smile2:


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks Aine and Shinobi and all who take the time to read my daily rants. 

I have had time to calm down, collect my thoughts, be reminded of what I need to do (thanks CynthiaDe) and keep trudging forward until my steps are lightened into a hop, skip and a happy jump.
I know he is bored, lonely, probably perturbed that he has no control and really not worth my time in thought or emotion any more. 

I hope this responsible, rational mind will continue into the next long while.
And I am just a tiny bit pleased that h is bothered. Hehehe.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Got new texts from h the other day. Along the lines of-did you talk with the lawyer, where's my paperwork, might be late bringing back my son, I want these weekends next month (which I said no to), why am I so uncooperative when he is nothing but generous. Then the crap cake topper went like this- fine you won't talk to me, you won't work with me, I don't have what I want, I'm not getting my way so I'll get my own lawyer and make sure this is final in three weeks (at the end of our mandatory waiting period) and make sure you walk away with as little as possible. I took that as a threat and sent it on to my lawyer but on the upside I haven't heard from him in two days so that's good. 

Even if he does get a lawyer at this point when it's already been presented in front of a judge and he has agreed to what my lawyer had announced what's the worse that could happen? He drag it out longer? He put himself deeper in debt? The house and car are in his name so if he stops paying on it then I think he would be the one to suffer credit wise?

Either I don't care today as much because it's really not bothering me. Now he is getting nasty and my no contact route with him has helped make him that way so I do worry about him taking it out on me through the kids. 

At least it's my weekend coming up so I have a few days to worry about it.
Is there anything my kids can do to guard themselves against him or anything he may make them do that they don't feel safe or comfortable doing?


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Havent dropped off the face of the earth yet. Feel like I'm dragging myself face down through the muck of each day and I bring it totally upon myself.

stbxh actually went and got his own lawyer. All I hear now is S-I-L-E-N-C-E. Kind of spooky and deafening. 

Working hard at the new job, getting through classes and on myself. All of my clothes are too big now. Like 2-3 sizes. Guess I'll be baggy until I can afford a fitted wardrobe. 

I have two questions to put out there to everyone who has or is going through divorce. I have been told I romanticize my stbxh. 
Why do I do this?
How do I stop?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My thoughts in why:
Your mind is conditioned to thinking in one direction related to the past. Who would want to go through life thinking about the painful things in the past? Your mind naturally blocks those things out. How to fix it ? Give it time, and when you find yourself thinking about things you miss about him, visualize him telling you how he doesn't love you and wants the OM, or any of the horrible offenses he's committed in the past that broke your heart. It's going to take months, not weeks, for your mind to let go of it all. It's been about a year and a half for me, and things are still rough mentally. Exponentially better than a year ago. Just knowing that it's happened to other people and that we've felt what you're feeling and have made it through it should perhaps give you a tiny amount of hope. 
Your life is not over. Getting rid of a cheater is only a sign that better things are closer for you and happier for you than you ever thought possible. It has been for me. Yes, I'm still sad about it, but my life will still be what I make of it; I will not let her ruin my life. Don't let him control your thoughts-- you can make yourself better if you work at thinking positively. 
Praying for you, praying for strength.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

Once you come to the realization that your WS is no longer the person you used to know is when you can start detaching. It took me a while to let go. I had to see my WW for the person she is now. People change. We change. You also have to decide what you really want and what is good for you. Holding on to past memories is the same as holding on to the pain. Try your best to let go and experience the present. This road of life gets you so busy worrying about so many things. Sometimes you have to set it on cruise control and enjoy the ride. Difficult I know, but you will get there. Believe me. You will.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Havent dropped off the face of the earth yet. Feel like I'm dragging myself face down through the muck of each day and I bring it totally upon myself.
> 
> stbxh actually went and got his own lawyer. All I hear now is S-I-L-E-N-C-E. Kind of spooky and deafening.
> 
> ...


Hi Honeysuckle,
First off, glad to hear about your job, certainly will give you yourself to become who you need to be, and give a positive outcome for you as you move onwards and upwards.
Also great to hear you are working on yourself, sounds good for you.

As for the romanticize it may well be perhaps that it has been due to the fact it has been quite, the anger and pain hearing from him now removed has perhaps given space for the better memories to appear, only a theory though?

As for stopping, I think its a case of continuing doing what you are doing for yourself and that will give you more about your future, positive, happy and good all round with more positive life stories that will diminish the thoughts of him.

I think you are in a good place in general and would say keep on going, think positive and think going upwards and you will see it for yourself.

Anyway good to hear from you and you take care.


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