# Raising your kids -- have you changed this due to infidelity



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm curious about what thoughts you may have about how to raise your kids after going through infidelity in your marriage. All perspectives welcome.

I think there was a time when we were very worried we were teaching our girls to be dependent on men, when in fact they might (through no fault of anyone's) have to earn their own way in the world and they could not expect to have a man clear their path for them.

I think that has largely been a good thing, I know that it's lifted a lot of women out of poverty and given them options for exiting abusive relationships, etc.

On the other hand, I wonder if my own upbringing led me to not respect my husband enough. That when I thought I was treating him as an equal, I was in fact so sure I didn't "need" him that I took him for granted.

Then with my H, I know for a fact that he could benefit from MMSL and NMMNG if he would read them. That it would have helped him stand up for himself in our relationship. And so then naturally I worry if we're setting our son up for more of the same. Either (because I see this as two sides of the same coin) that he will marry a woman who treats him badly and so he'll cheat on her rather than stand up to her; or, that he will marry a woman who devalues him and cheats on him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m teaching my girl to be completely independent in life.

To be able to make her own way and support herself.

As she ages I`ll begin to add that even if she finds herself in a relationship where she can be supported by a man that she shouldn`t bite that apple.

She should keep herself as independent financially as she can so she`s never stuck in the situation so many women of my generation find themselves.
Stuck with a bad man, 4 kids, and no skills to keep herself afloat economically.
Also....BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL!!!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

See, I think I'm a product of that. In other words, that was how I was raised. (Edited to clarify: taught to be wholly independent of a man all the way.) But I don't think that I am a victim because my H cheated on me. I see him as a weak person who couldn't stand up to me and felt the need to escape the marriage. (Obnoxious for me to say, I know, but nevertheless what I truly believe.)

His affair plays out that story. He found his "soulmate" and as far as I can tell (believe me, I am no dummy and am perfectly able to accept it was a PA) it was sexless, with her on a pedestal and their love very 'pure' as a result. So he found someone to adore him and affirm him, while he 'rescued' her from a loveless marriage she deliberately chose.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I worry that I'm teaching my teenage daughters to put up with a cheating man especially when I always had a zero tolerance policy in conversations with them prior.

They think I should leave and have lost all respect for their father. Unfortunately, our D-day was VERY dramatic thanks to a crazy OW and the children know everything.

However, a very wise older friend said I could also be teaching them that mature love is based on forgiveness and personal growth and make it clear H gets one shot to fix the mess he made.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Interesting point.

I know with myself, like you, I wonder if my upbringing did affect how I treated my H. My dad cheated on my mom for many many years..divorced when I was 13. I remember my mom trying to get his attention and trying to be affectionate to him but he would rebuff her. 

So fast forward to my marriage..well even before that, I noticed that when I was in high school that if I sensed a guy liked me and even if I liked him..I would play it cool, almost aloof. I remember guys telling me that it was like I was hot and cold...all of a sudden I became really aloof towards them. It was like I am not going to degrade myself and let him know that I find him attractive. 

So now with my marriage I wonder if that is what I was doing..even though this man was my husband I think a part of me wanted to play it cool..like I want him to pursue me..why should I pursue him. Which is strange because it was like I was afraid of rejection from somebody who I have been married to for many many years.

The MC said that because of my parents marriage that if I had a healthier marriage role modeled to me I would have reacted/acted differently thru my marriage. Funny how you think that I am over my parents and their issues..but you carry it thru your life with you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So true, Highwood!

You might like this poem, excuse the language, it's a short but famous one by Philip Larkin.
Larkin - This Be The Verse


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'll certainly teach them to be self reliant and make sure they're highly selective with the men they settle down with but I will not instil this "Miss Independent" attitude. I've worked with a few women who were like that and it's incredibly off-putting. It was almost as if they had to constantly "prove" something. They were difficult people to be around and few of us willingly socialized with them. Also this attitude is very emasculating to men and few stick around to put up with the constant b!tchiness. I'll just want them to be intelligent, humble and down to earth.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> So true, Highwood!
> 
> You might like this poem, excuse the language, it's a short but famous one by Philip Larkin.
> Larkin - This Be The Verse


True very true!

I think too, I met H, when I was only 19, had our son at age 21, ..been with him for 24 years..he is 7 years older than me. I really did not have time to grow and mature before getting into such a serious relationship...nothing to compare it to as the MC said. 

When I think back I definently treated guys crappy even in high school..I remember going out with a guy, he would bring me to a bush or house party (so it was like a date) then if I saw someone better I would hook up with them..like holy smokes what was wrong with me. It was like I liked the game part of it...

It was like I was scared if I sensed that a guy like me..I mean I was flattered but at the same time I think my self esteem was low because I would think well once he sees the real me he will not like me. ****..I have some issues...that I obviously brought into my marriage.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Complexity, you know what they say...

for a man to be called arrogant (or b*tchy), he has to invade a small country. For a woman to be called b*tchy, she just has to put you on hold.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, Complexity, you know what they say...
> 
> for a man to be called arrogant (or b*tchy), he has to invade a small country. For a woman to be called b*tchy, she just has to put you on hold.


To be honest I'd hope she puts every man she meets on hold


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Touche!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I see now how my parents crappy marriage full of no affection/and infidelity affected me..funny how for so long until it happened to me that I never realized that. I honestly think too that I thought I would be the one to cheat because of my background.

Plus combined with being really young when I met H..at the time I didn't think so but 19..yikes!

I think too even though I made the choice to get involved so young myself..I often think I was resentful thru the years, when I looked at other girls my age..in college or travelling the world, etc. and there I was at 21 with a baby and back then money was so tight as well...it wasn't always fun.

I hope for our son (who is 22) that he has a great marriage..I hope that this whole situation hasn't soured him on marriage. I know we have other people in our life who he was heard complaining about their marriages for different reasons, i.e. money problems, issues with kids, etc.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

The thing is, Highwood, you just never know. You raise them with the best values you can, and then you let them go. Some kids from horrible homes go on to have wonderful marriages, and vice versa. There are so many variables.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I was honest with my kids about why I needed to move.
That I had been lied to not just once or twice but for the entire relationship, that he had been friends with another woman at least one probably more for the whole time. And that him giving them things and getting the big tv with video games and trips to Chuck-E-Cheese and so forth and them having their own rooms in his house was a way of trying to make it so that it would be difficult for me to leave him, because they would be upset about losing all those nice things, and having to leave their (new) school and their friends. But I told my kids that I knew they were better people than to be bribed that way and asked them how they felt about their stepfather in general. Once I had voiced my complaint, they felt more free to voice theirs, and a lot of things came out (about his loud, angry music in the car, yelling at them, other things that made them uncomfortable about him.)

I explained to them about my choice to move to a nearby village.
So then we sat down and made a pro-con list - living within 1/2 mile of school, having a place to ride bikes, having a playground close by, having a garden, being in the same school together through my son's 8th grade, having a bigger choice of friends than at their tiny village school, saving gas from not having to drive everywhere in the new village, having a smaller place to heat and for the electric bill...less time cleaning it, more free time for all of us...

We made a big list of the good things and moved. 
He did get another chance when he asked for it. But I noticed he was not particularly close to the children, his focus seemed to be on getting me to agree to move back to his house. Once I'd reached that state, he started back to his old ways. It didn't take long. When the kids came back from their dad's place over the Christmas holidays, their stepfather was completely out of the picture and they were glad about it. Me too.

We had to get used to driving by his work to take the kids to gymnastics and dance classes once a week, I was told by the kids when they went with their dad that their stepfather had been waving at them, but they ignored him and he eventually stopped. He had been asked in the divorce decree not to have any contact with the kids, because he had said he would be in touch with them through their dad, I made it clear to their dad that I totally disagreed with that and did not want to allow it and because it was my relationship that was ending he needed to abide by my judgement with no further explanation. 

So, yes, I have been a bit more transparent with my personal life. On the other hand, I do introduce my kids to guys I hang out with. I am not dating. I had a boyfriend that I'd known as a friend before and we were dating but he had a brain hemorrhage. So my kids found out how close we were because I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing the night after I'd had to see him to the hospital and through his emergency surgery and he was in a coma. They went to the hospital with me frequently, and liked to visit him. They meet my other guy friends and know them by name but since I'm not dating anyone they're cool with that. Sometimes we all do things together, like at dance class my daughter will dance with guys I know, she loves it. We went to an art museum and had lunch with another friend. My boyfriend's friend came with us to the hospital a couple times and we got something to eat. Pretty much my kids meet all the guys I know, they also know my women friends, but my women friends are far away and busy. Most women are busy, but I only have this small apartment and not real fussy about it so have time for dance and movies and kayaking and bike rides and camping and stuff.

We are in a smaller apartment so we spend more time together. We decide together on what to have, generally, for meals. I drop them every morning at school and am there in the afternoons unless it's their dad's evening.

I have a local job for the summer and they'll go to day camp 8 times each and each to a special week-long camp at different places. 

So pretty much I think we have a better family life. It's still difficult with the usual challenges, it's tough to deal with the imperfection, you think that when you leave a real bad situation everything's going to be so much better...well, so much better has it's normal ups and downs too. I know even my friends who have husbands and good marriages, have their tough days, and both of my bosses live in the same town and have three kids each, and that comes with challenges too, because they commute, etc.

I'm much less eager to get married now and to have a nuclear family than I was before. But if it works out that we end up with a close relationship with a guy, and are like a family over a couple years, then I'd probably discuss any changes with my kids first, and ask them about it. Doing the whole pro/con thing and thinking it through. 

I am set on staying in my small apartment until I graduate and hopefully my debt will be paid off by then (in two years.) So I can think about getting a bigger place to buy if I am lucky and have a good/stable income, or at least to move to the downstairs apartment that's bigger as my kids will be 13 and 10 by that time. 

I'd really say I am more apt to feel settled now with my own kids. Having such a great village that acts as a proxy family that's really comfortable takes away a lot of the reasons why you would want to have a marriage, to have an activity partner and company, etc. The person would really have to fit the family life we already have. I'm not inflexible, but I am less likely now to put my kids and their desires in terms of activities and so forth, second to a relationship like I did with my ex.

And, fyi I was not ever married to their dad. That relationship wasn't even there. He did his activities and if I invited him to do something as a family he would be late and then mess it up somehow, so the counselor I went to see and who saw him, she took me aside and she advised me strongly to leave, but she wouldn't say why. I saw a certain look in her eyes, she could not tell me, so I took her advice and left because I had an 8 month old and was already kind of scared and blocking the door at night, etc. He still has issues with truth telling and caregiving of the children, I think he has psych issues he is hiding. But I don't want to go into it. Especially on the internet.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids were older when it happened and were pretty much 'raised', but one thing that I know I do since the infidelity is to tell them not to get married. I'm only half joking when I say so. My faith in the institution of marriage has all but disappeared, I think because people are more likely to split up before they cheat if they aren't married, thereby saving the BS a whole world of hurt. I know it isn't true in all cases, and I know marriage is often a very good thing, but I'm jaded now.


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