# distracting talk...



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

how do you gently tell your SO his/her bedroom talk is not a turn-on?

Well, a while ago I patted lightly on my colleague's a$$ (she was making coffee) and said "looks cute today". The next minute I said "hmmm, was that sexual harassment?"
"No, it's a compliment". She grinned. My colleague is in her 20's, the youngest of us, and we will tease her from time to time. This is a small office after all. The other colleague laughed and said "she needed that". 

Somehow my h heard this exchange. Then...during sex, he said "do you want to have MFF with me and (let's call her by this name) Vicky?"

"No" was my simple answer. I know h sometimes has MFF fantasy, and I have absolutely no problem with that, except I am just soooooooooo straight. Long time ago he once mentioned MFF with me and my best friend, even though this was fantasy (h is a very decent man and good friend with her too), I almost fell off the bed because it was such a turn-off. 

But he kept saying "wouldn't it be hot if she starts doing this, and that, and this...to you?"

I was like "oh pleeeeeeeeeze....you gotta stop talking". (I didn't really say that). I tried to smile and said "com'on, I just want to focus on you now". 

Boy, this time he persisted for at least 5 min talking about my potential lesbian encounter. 

Any more tips on how to let him know I'm not interested in this aspect?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You could tell him when you guys aren't having sex. I would just be blunt about it. Guys don't get subtleties. 

Or you could try and go along with it for his sake. I hate basketball but I watch it. After a few years I'm even starting to enjoy it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Next time your husband starts talking to you about having a lesbian encounter and narrating the details of what he'd like to see, you should tell him of a "fantasy" that you came up with too. You can start going into details of how you would love to see your husband ravaged by big strong biker with a shaved head, tats all over his arms and a ZZ Top style beard. Then tell him how you would love to see this man forcing him to his knees to service the big dude... If you make it explicit enough, then I think he'd get the hint and realize that you simply aren't into girl on girl sex.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> I almost fell off the bed because it was such a turn-off.


For clarification: It's not just that you're uninterested in this kind of sexy talk, but you're disgusted by it?
It's a common fantasy, and saying, "oh yeah, I'd like that Baby," doesn't mean that you're going to actually going to do it, it just means you're a generous lover to your H. 

If you're truly disgusted by the thought of even hearing about or describing a lesbian encounter, you will need to make that known to your H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Blanca said:


> You could tell him when you guys aren't having sex. I would just be blunt about it. Guys don't get subtleties.
> 
> Or you could try and go along with it for his sake. I hate basketball but I watch it. After a few years I'm even starting to enjoy it.


I don't think she should go along with it if she has such strong feelings against it. I think she should define herself clearly. Plus there's a lot of strength in frank honesty. It's attractive to have the confidence and strength not to fear a backlash. It's sexy. Its Byron Katie not Bryon btw.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

GinnyTonia said:


> For clarification: It's not just that you're uninterested in this kind of sexy talk, but you're disgusted by it?
> It's a common fantasy, and saying, "oh yeah, I'd like that Baby," doesn't mean that you're going to actually going to do it, it just means you're a generous lover to your H.
> 
> If you're truly disgusted by the thought of even hearing about or describing a lesbian encounter, you will need to make that known to your H.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not disgusted by it. I just do not like the thought of my best friend doing sexual things with me. We went to school together, go to vacation together, complain about our husbands together, but we do not SLEEP together. It's like tainting our friendship to imagine it. I am not disgusted by lesbian sex and in fact i would get turned on watching it. I just don't want to do it myself, or maybe someday, but never with someone I know well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Ok, I TOTALLY get it now. I thought you were talking about any (random) lezzy sexy talk, but to cultivate a fantasy involving someone you're both close to could at the very least prove uncomfortable while in the friend's presence, and at the worst, lead to insecurity and/or infidelity. 
You seem to have healthy boundaries, share them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

it's kind of same for both of us anyways...
we don't mind talking out loud MFM, or FMF fantasy. 

But he would diiiiiiiiie if I said "how about you and this other dude start doing it." I am sure he would get angry. 

So why does he expect me to like the parallel situation? I know many guys have this fantasy, but I wonder if the women sharing same fantasy are just rare as the guys not minding a gay fantasy. 

Anyways, I will try to hint more to him to please leave poor Vicky out of our bedroom. She's such a sweetheart and I just roll my eyes when I think about it.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

It's obvious that you love your husband. That's nice to see. 

It does seem like he gets a little fixated on bringing outside influences into the bedroom. You write that you need boundaries between the people you know and your fantasy life. It seems like you guys might benefit from talking about boundaries.

I have never fantasized about my wife with another woman. I do know that it's a common fantasy, but combining this with some things in your other thread I think there may be a little more going on here. We need boundaries between fantasy and reality, but we also need to understand their role in our love relationships. Not every fantasy needs to, or even should become a reality. It's not clear from your posts that your husband understands that.

Fantasies are healthy and fun, but when we blur the line between fantasy and reality they can become unhealthy and toxic to our relationships. I think you guys have different views on the role of fantasy in your marriage, and it seems to be creating problems. If you agree then getting on the same page will help both of you. I think it's okay to just tell him that you need to keep fantasy separate from reality, but that would seem to just be the first step. It's always difficult to see the bigger picture through the eyes of a few posts, but I sense that some of his actions are driven by insecurity about pleasing you in bed. You might be well served to address that if you think there's a nugget of truth there.

Speaking of boundaries, what you did was unprofessional and clearly is sexual harrassment. "Teasing her from time to time" in legal terms is viewed as creating a hostile work environment, even if she appears not to mind. If your employer finds about it they will have little choice but to reprimand you or possibly fire you. They will throw you under the bus to avoid a lawsuit.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> Speaking of boundaries, what you did was unprofessional and clearly is sexual harrassment. "Teasing her from time to time" in legal terms is viewed as creating a hostile work environment, even if she appears not to mind. If your employer finds about it they will have little choice but to reprimand you or possibly fire you. They will throw you under the bus to avoid a lawsuit.


Some clarifications:
(1) when I said we tease Vicky from time to time, it means we joke with her, because she is the only one not burdened with h and kids. We are not teasing her physically. The one that laughed at her rides with her to work everyday, and they talk about everything. 
(2) I would not be fired since I am the boss.
(3) However, I am totally aware it's even WORSE if a boss harasses her employees. That's why I made the comment. Our office is a little too casual and sometimes they harass me also, (and the girls clearly "harass"' each other all the time. It's just rare when it comes to their not-so-respected boss). it's like girls' fun. But I will be very careful and not do anything remotely inappropriate.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Please don't consider this an indictment of you personally. I've read your posts and think you're pretty cool  I know that this is a tangent, but from one boss to another the lack of boundaries in your office is exposing you to litigation even if you are the consummate professional. Everything that you are working hard to build can be taken away by one disgruntled employee with an axe to grind. To a judge 'The girls clearly "harass"' each other all the time' is not a defense, it's proof that you knew about this behaviour and didn't do anything to stop it.

I may be over cautious but it would seem that you would be wise to train your employees about what constitutes sexual harassment, and enforce a policy.

All the best to you


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

pplwatching said:


> Please don't consider this an indictment of you personally. I've read your posts and think you're pretty cool  I know that this is a tangent, but from one boss to another the lack of boundaries in your office is exposing you to litigation even if you are the consummate professional. Everything that you are working hard to build can be taken away by one disgruntled employee with an axe to grind. To a judge 'The girls clearly "harass"' each other all the time' is not a defense, it's proof that you knew about this behaviour and didn't do anything to stop it.
> 
> I may be over cautious but it would seem that you would be wise to train your employees about what constitutes sexual harassment, and enforce a policy.
> 
> All the best to you


Personally I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees. Meaning.... I'd rather live a fun life and take a chance or two than live encumbered, yoked by stupid regulation. No matter what you do, there'a always someone that could sue you for something if they wanted to. You can reduce the risk maybe, but you can't eliminate it. Your answer may be politically correct, helpful and eminently sensible (for sure) but it's also a party poop lol.  My view is that it's not just about what she's building but about the journey while getting there.


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