# Am so confused what he wants



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi everyone. I wish you all well and I can relate to what you are all going through. My husband took a vacation to help his parents move, we used this 3 weeks to think about things as he breaks up with me weekly when we get into a fight. We have separated before and it was so miserable for both of us so we decided to move in together and this year has been all about his career with little time to work through our problems and he says he can't do both his career and our marriage. He got his promotion last week and he says work will get busier now and he can't live in this environment where we are fighting all the time as none of our needs are met. He wants space and to separate again and move into our own places. 
He has told me that we need to have expectations laid out during this separation as he doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with me if he needs space or if he wants to work or go to the gym.
It has hurt me immensely because he admitted he cannot multi task and that is why when we have problems he can't deal with both work and me. I have felt like he has put our marriage on the back burner because getting his promotion after 6 years at his firm was important for his happiness as he wasn't being appreciated at work. So I suffered this whole year with him working long hours and coming home exhausted and irritated.

So it made me feel unloved and not important so I didn't even register his kind gestures when he would do it making him more exhausted and he lost hope that i need help and I should work on myself as he cannot cope in this environment.

He says he would be willing to do marriage counselling once a week and when he wants to see me he will let me know and if we both want to see each other we can, but no obligations. 

It seems his commitment is limited and it hurts me even more making me believe he will only leave in the end. He said that I say this all the time, but I say it because he doesn't make me a priority. He is married to his job. We are both 40 with no kids. I am scared to be single again and start over as it is difficult especially when you can work things out with a marriage that never had a chance to grow. It is like a plant, without water, it will die. he says he loves me very much but doesn't know if it will work. He has asked me to list what I expect during the 3 months and if the counselling doesn't work then what? I don't know what to say without seeming "needy" as he says I need to much, when all I want is love and affection. I support myself fully and don't ask a lot from him but his attention. 
He feels guilty a lot when he sees me upset and then gives up when I don't register when he is being loving. But I don't know how he feels day to day as it changes depending on his mood. It is painful to go through this but I don't want to rock the boat. He has been a loaner and doesn't socialise a lot only concentrating on his job. He said to me that he realises he can't multi task and would need to if HE ever had children. He didn't include me in that statement. It seems he has no hope but he is willing to try counselling so that's a good sign I guess once a week, but not willing to spend time with me on my terms, only on his terms it seems. I am suppose to speak with him tonight on what I see as my expectations. he said if our expectations aren't congruent then there is no point in doing the counselling and that we could call it quits. This is our second separation. I am 40, no kids and I am so scared to be out there on my own and I will miss him even though I didn't get my needs met. Anyone have any suggestions for me? It would be so helpful to hear what your thoughts are.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

a husband is to be married to his wife and not his job 

this kind of husbands make their women feel uncared and abandoned in their lives n make life miserable for them, or distant n deviating away to attention and care from other beings..

mutuality needs to be understood by the hubby here.and he has to change first from all his non-sociability...and change and come out of the inertia of his self-inhibitions and be dynamic..


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

That is exactly how I have been feeling and he has been focussing on me getting help to register his love as this is exhausting for him but had he balanced his work and marriage we wouldn't be here in the first place. He has a lot of trust issues, not just with me but with everyone. He says it has to be earned the trust. I stopped therapy a few months ago after 7 months and he was so angry that he says I should have consulted him about it and that I wasn't to be trusted. I had completed the sessions with the therapist and said I would return to therapy in the future. I can't be in therapy forever, but he thinks I have major issues from my previous marriage where my husband had cheated and that I need to heal and work through also my childhood issues about being abandoned as it is playing in this marriage. He said being together isn't good for either or our health as we cannot function fighting all the time. I am just needing his attention and love but it never ends with work and his parents obligations, i seem to come last. And then when he is spent working and helping his parents move, he needs sleep and doesn't want to speak to me as much, so how will this ever change if he doesn't see that the marriage is dying because he refuses to participate like he does for work or helping his parents.


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