# To Propose or Not To Propose?



## greenline (Oct 5, 2011)

*To Propose or Not To Propose? That is my question.

I am having trouble deciding whether or not to propose to my girlfriend. Not because I don't love her, but simply because the decision has such long-term implications for the rest of my life. 

I get this way with any decision that I know will have long-term ramifications. I take forever because I feel the need to over-analyze everything to make sure I make the right decision. With marriage, I don't want to get divorced years down the road. It's not like an electronics item I can simply take back to the store if i realize I made a bad purchase. This is a decision I can only make once in my life and I have to get it right.....because it IS for life.

So what should I do? How do I know whether or not my fear of making the decision is simply irrational or if my overall concern is reason enough to not propose.....and if so, what will cause the concern to subside and when (if it is not based on my partner at all)?

Please advise! Thank you!*


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

If you loved her enough to be your wife, you wouldn't be projecting about the future.

You can love someone but down deep, know they are not the one.

I loved several people before finding the one.

Granted, we married and split after 24 years BUT it was magic until it wasn't and I had no doubts. Zip.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

If you compare marrying a woman to buying electronics you cannot return, you aren't ready to commit.....ever.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Aw don't say that, maybe he is on the young side...I never used to want to get married when I was young. I never knew what I wanted then! 20 years on, and I met and married my husband in just a little over 18 months. When you're older, you tend to know what you want a little better...


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## SoHO (Sep 19, 2011)

i don't think you'r ready to comit! Why? Because you think of pluses and minuses and you go to rational. What happened to follow your hart?
I think marriage is like a recepe: you find one and you like it and then you cook it each and every day! You stir the ingredients over and over, add salt or peper depends if it's needed, add water and stir and stir until death do you part....There is no right or wrong! If you feel that she's the one you want to be with then go ahead and propose and keep the recepe of the soup boilling. Down the road it's going to cool off or not, it's all about if you want to keep it going or not. Maybe you'll nee some spices at some point because it's going to be booring to eat the same soup every day (you make the analogie that i refer to be with that person every day). Are you going to let the soup spoil or are you going to reheat it? There is no advice in this world about marriage! Nothing will make you feel better if you take the wrong or the right decision! YOU are the only one that feels what is right for you.

Tell me something:if you're going to get 150 advices from this website that are pro to propose and you feel that it's not right for you to propose and you FEEL that you need to wait a little until you find THE person to spend the rest of your life with-what are you going to do?

Same thing: if you receive 120 replies that you should not propose but you can not breath without this person in your life and you want to be with her-are you going to listen to us (the people that post answers)?

YOU are the only one that knows how you feel. Also, you can not start a marriage thinking what if it's not gonna work? What if tomorrow you don't exist? Enjoy your life, live it at max and deal with things as they come. the rest doesn't matter....If it turns out you've made the "wrong" decision, you'd take full credit and that's why nobody will be blamed for. It all comes down to "what do you want?" (see the notebook movie-What do you want-god dam..t? Forget somebody else! What do YOU want? Picture your life for me? If it's with that person, go...)


Best of luck with your choise!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

When you're with the right person, you just know. You don't worry about the details - even if you're a person who usually agonizes over decisions.

My H proposed to me probably faster than any other guy in the universe. He just knew. So did I - I said yes. Because when you know, you KNOW.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm going to very strongly suggest you read Dalrock's post about vetting your girlfriend's suitability for marriage.

Where Dalrock is coming from is that in today's environment, the man must have as much certainty as possible as to the quality of commitment his prospective wife-to-be would bring to the marriage.

Key quotes (emphasis mine):


> Moreover, you have a solemn duty to your future children to pick their mother wisely. This is bigger than love, and bigger than you. The stakes are enormous; your children need the best chance you can give them to grow up with both a mother and a father. *You also have an obligation to Mrs right not to pick Mrs wrong over her.*
> 
> So for all of the above reasons a woman needs to bring something very special to the table to justify marriage. The law and social convention won’t hold her to keep the vow she takes in front of God, your families, and everyone you both care about; *the moral force to keep her side of the promise needs to come from within herself. Many women today lack this internal compass, but many others still have it.* The questions below are aimed at assessing if she does bring these qualities.





> Marriage is wonderful but every marriage will run into rough patches. Both parties need to have the commitment required to grow together and make it past the difficult periods. The law is one sided and either way insufficient for something as important as marriage. You need to make sure she has the internal compass to overcome the push of friends and society, and perhaps her own hypergamous instinct to move on when tempted. *None of this should be construed as an excuse on your part to neglect her needs, be unfaithful, not work to be as attractive as possible, etc.*


And with that, I wish you good luck!


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