# My Story:The start on the long road to recovery after many years of sexless marriage.



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

*UPDATE: My Story-Long road to recovery after many years of sexless marriage.*

So I thought I would share with those who have helped on how things have been different since I have allowed myself to not only enjoy sex but become sexual again.

It has been suggested I do this regarding moving forward in the area of intimacy and sexual acceptance after having discovered that my H had a PA that lasted for 8 months (we have been together since HS, and married for 25 years).

In the beginning, I was devasted, and there is still some hurt and pain but we have both come to a place where we are no longer holding a grudge or resentment for things that have happened in the past that we can not change. All we can do, is keep from making the same mistake and so therefore we can forgive but must not forget in the sense of total recall that the event(s) has ever happened. We have both accepted and admitted our part in what lead to him straying. Yes, I have a part in it too even though it was his ultimate decision to go down that road.

We decided together to start with a clean slate. One of the biggest issues I have had and have to do is with sex, on any level: within marriage, outside of marriage, my role, whether or not I allowed myself to enjoy it, why did I feel so bad when I did enjoy etc.

After finally expressing to my H what my insecurities have been over the years and where the feelings/emotions were routed from, we agreed that for the next 14 days we would have sex. Regardless of whether or not we felt like it, felt sensual at the time, etc. We talked about all of the could happens and we agreed we must let the other know what we wanted, how we wanted it, that at times it was going to be strictly for his pleasure and at times it would be strictly for mine. Then we discussed the couldn'ts, what couldn't happen was that we could not go about it the same way we always had. The times, places, approach etc. had to be different. Very different!!! What we were working toward was replacing the old memories of rejection with new more exciting memories of acceptance and of anticipation. We were replacing the 'standard' way with a new more exciting way or place etc. We were trying to focus on what we enjoyed about the chase over 25 years ago, was it the 'doing it somewhere we might get caught' or trying something new... whatever it was, we wanted to get back to that same feeling.

So as of today, we are on day six and yes we have had sex every day! What has been amazing is that there have been several days, where we had sex more than once. I do believe on day four we woke each other being playful and on more then four occasions we met up somewhere and had some of the best sex I can remember. What has been even more amazing is that to date it has not been just for only one us to receive and enjoy but we are enjoying ourselves so much that pleasing the other is our ultimate goal therefore we don't stop until we both are satisfied.

We have had days so far that we will bring the other one almost to climax but will then stop just before with the promise we will continue later, and during the in between time, we text or email or call each other teasing the other with how we are going to get them there when we meet again.

We have gone to a hotel for a quickie, we have gone to a hotel for several hours of enjoyment and pleasure. We have had sex in his car, I have given him a BJ while he has been driving, he has stimulated me while we were driving home. We have enjoyed each other in the shower. We live out is the country so we went out in our front yard and had sex under the stars. We have enjoyed each other in the middle of the day, while it is still light outside. We have enjoyed going down on each other multiple times and trying new positions. In the kitchen, in the den, on the back deck you name it, I think we have been there....

As I write this, I just received a text from my H letting me know he is already at home, getting dinner ready, will pour some wine and start the shower for me after dinner so we can then snuggle for awhile before going to bed.

I shared with him earlier in the day that today was an optional day... optional for panties... and I opted out (was not wearing any). He immediately replied with send me a picture (not quite there yet, but who knows).

So what we have found out up to this point is that we have given the other permission to enjoy sex again but more importantly for the next 14 days the feeling or expectation of rejection has been removed which has allowed us both to enjoy ourselved to the fullest.

I will report back after we have finished with day 14...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Godspeed, Hurting!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Y'all are going to get arrested!! LOL It's great to hear there's hope.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just wondering - do you have kids? I'm guessing not since you're all over the house!

Either way - sounds like you guys are doing great!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if only i could get there, good luck and congrats


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

NiceGuy: Yes, we have kids, but they are teenagers. One is off at college several hours away and the other is a Sr. in HS that plays a sport and has a PT job, so she is very rarely home before 9 p.m. or gone at least one night over the weekend at a sleepover.

Although to my surprise last night, we had some very enjoyable sex with her home, but she was exhausted and had already retired to her room. It did however, add to the excitement of trying to have as much fun as possible and not get caught. There was a lot of laughter as we played around and when we thought we heard something how we both would try to cover up and act like nothing was going on. Brings a smile to my face now....


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> if only i could get there, good luck and congrats


You can get there... I know we are just in the beginning of this recovery so I am by no means going to try to come off as an expert that can say it worked for me it will work for you... but I do know that however you need to express to your loved one how you desperately want to be close again, do it. 

Write a letter, send an email, sit down and talk... take baby steps. 

We have had years of distance between us and unfortunately for us, it took him finally not being able to handle the loneliness that he went looking elsewhere. That pain is still there for me. Trust me, there are still days, my mind goes straight to how could he do that to us. But I have to remind myself that he was a faithful partner for 26 out of 27 years and that he broke it off months before I ever knew anything about it and he realized that the grass wasn't always greener. That he may no longer be lonely but he was becoming someone he couldn't look at it the mirror and the loneliness turned into depression.

We have a LLLOOOONNNGGG road ahead of us. But if you can get to what the cause of the hurt or distancing is from your side and theirs and start from the point without reliving the past and making an effort to not repeat it, you can get there too.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Y'all are going to get arrested!! LOL It's great to hear there's hope.


Let's hope not! But it sure does add to the excitement wondering if we are going to get caught


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

I love your story and are very happy for you both! It is very encouraging to know after all you have been through you can survive and have an even better relationship. they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. congrats to you! BTW, i hope to try some of your wonderful sex ideas in the near future:smthumbup:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thanks very much for sharing the upside of what's possible, and heartfelt congratulations.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

HappyInNC - You sound strong and happy, glad the hurting is behind you. I love reading about the new energy and excitement in your marriage. Love it!!


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

I will suggest you check out my thread on the graftenberg. It's real and it does happen like that. You will feel so different about sex and your body that you won't be able to stay away from each other. Good luck to both of you and the past is in the past for a reason.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

UPDATE:
Ok, so last night was day 14 and I must say it was **AMAZING**. Let's say after about an hour of playful talk and a few mouth-to-mouth 'X-rated' shots, we didn't stop pleasing each other for more than 4 hours. And then again before work this a.m. we picked up where we left off. In the 25+ years we have been together, there has never been a time that my H went in to work late because he was getting his good morning BJ and from what he tells me, it was well worth it.

After the last post around day 8, there were some really good nights/days. He has discovered my g-spot and I didn't realize I could actually cum that many times in a row with such an intensity. And I have discovered my inner sex vixen that has uncovered what he thoroughly enjoys and have found I enjoy giving it him. We have continued with different positions, times of day, toys .... the works and all encounters have led to both of us feeling very satisfied. 

But I will also share this, there were some bad days. Really bad days!! At times, I would find myself thinking about him with the OW. I would start to feel like I was being used and this was his sick way of playing me until he could get his things in order to move out. I started to feel as though he wasn't actually talking to another women per se but was back to reading the personals and back to chatting. (I had no evidence, just a feeling). 

In the past, I would either let these feelings pass or I would out of anger write an email or send a text because I do not like to be confrontational face to face. It always got ugly and I could never fully express what I wanted to say without there being a shift to what I am doing wrong. I pushed a few buttons I shouldn't have and got the expected result though it was not a good one. But I accept my part in this, it was about bad timing and I shouldn't have been so reactive.

Due to circumstances beyond our control we were not able to actually have sex of any kind for at least two days and these were the days where I started feeling vulnerable.

I finally told him what I was feeling and after his first reaction of 'this is what I was talking about when I said I don't want to be under a microscope', I looked at him face to face and said you owe at least that much to me. I told him I didn't need to hover over him to know what he is doing 24/7 but when I was feeling the way I was, he owed it to me to put my mind at ease and give me some reassurance. He agreed.

I have taken the stance that I am going to work on me. I am going to become the person I want to become that will make me happy not in a selfish way. And for me when I picture myself years down the road, he is in the picture beside me.

He has told me because of the years of hurt he is emotionally void and it will take a lot for him to get back to where he will be able to 'feel' again (not weeks or even months, it took 10 years to get us here, so it will be a slow go to get us back). I get that. He told me that my 'sprint' with this sexual healing has been great and he has loved every minute of it but for me to make sure that this is something I wanted and not to feel pressured into doing anything. He did open up to me to let me know that when he turned 40 (he's now 45) he made a decision that he was no longer going to be the initiator, if I wanted it I would have to come to him (needless to say in the last 5 years, I would initiate 2X a year, his birthday, our anniversary, sad I know but true). He feels that after 20 yrs of pursuing me sexually that the wounds for him run deep so if I pursue him or at least let him know I am available then he won't feel like he is 'taking' it from me but that I am 'giving' it to him.
Though he may not verbalize his feelings I have noticed the small things: When we are out together, instead of walking in front me, he walks with me. Instead of opening the door for himself to go through, he opens it, waits for me go through and then him. When grocery shopping (which we always do together), instead of me pushing the buggy, loading the groceries on the belt, loading them in the car, and taking the buggy to the corral. We take random turns pushing, he unloads the buggy, he helps load them in the car and then he takes the buggy to the corral. We cook meals together. I get a daily kiss when he leaves in the morning (non-existent for at least the last 5 years). Instead of watching TV at night in separate rooms or on separate sofas, we sit together, watching shows we both like not just one of us. We gone on lunch dates. And a big one for me, and definitely something that has been gone for at least 5 years, is that he gets an erection in the a.m. while pressed up against me as we snuggle before starting our day. Nothing has to come of it, just him letting me know he is there. So I will take the non-verbal right now until we break through the verbal.

So we are now starting day 76 since D-day and have finished our 14 sexual healing (trust me that doesn't mean our sex life goes back to where it was). We have a long way to go but I know I have to take it one day at a time as the wall the separated us was built one comment, one action, one brick (day) at a time so if we are going to carefully remove the wall without leaving mass destruction in the wake, it needs to not be torn down and taken apart brick by brick and carefully put back together to use as the foundation for us moving forward.

Sorry for the long post but as you can tell a lot has happened in a very short amount of time.


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