# Cheaters: Have you ever gotten caught with the om/ow? Or almost gotten caught?



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

My FWW recently admitted that once I almost walked in on her and the AP when he was kissing her and had his hands up her shirt. It was at the AP's house during a party on New year's eve. I was downstairs in the basement with about 40 people partying (including the AP's wife) when I noticed those two were gone. After about five minutes I went looking for them upstairs. I found them in a spare room, he was holding a guitar when I walked in. I asked what they were doing and the answer was "he was just showing me his guitars".


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

She said they heard me coming up the stairs and quickly changed what they were doing, otherwise I would have walked in while they were rounding second base, heading for third!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

When my W was cavorting with OM she tried to legitimize the affair by bringing him to her house to do yard work, while I was there, and we even went out on a three way "date" to a restaurant. She also told me things about him to make it all seem innocent, and there was a gradual progression until it went silent.

I think cheaters do these things to increase the excitement of the affair, there is the danger of being caught and the ego boost of pulling one over on their spouses. Perhaps they also on some level want to get caught, the outcome of being caught being an end of the affair or divorce. 

But then again the fog of the affair blinds women who engage in unprotected sex with OM they have to know have done this to other women and are at high risk to have Herpes HPV and etc, so there is a recklessness about it too.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

Had you caught them in the act would you have busted the guitars on OMs head?

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> MAJDEATH,
> 
> Had you caught them in the act would you have busted the guitars on OMs head?
> 
> Tamat


Absolutely! I had just gotten back from the war overseas and that would have been the least I would have done.

Instead, because I didn't catch them I said something like "it's inappropriate for you 2 to be away from everyone else". Like your situation, I think they liked the "high" of almost getting caught. I'm sure it made the sex better/more exciting.

Stupid me for not figuring out the warning signs and placing a VAR in her car.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> MAJDEATH,
> 
> When my W was cavorting with OM she tried to legitimize the affair by bringing him to her house to do yard work, while I was there, and we even went out on a three way "date" to a restaurant. She also told me things about him to make it all seem innocent, and there was a gradual progression until it went silent.
> 
> ...


I have posted about this before in another thread, but several times my fWW invited me to events with the OM. Once was to go watch a soccer game he was playing in. Twice was to go out to a karaoke bar. Once was the New Year's eve party. 

This must be a common activity for cheaters, "Hiding the OM/OW in plain site". Can we add a new acronym to the board: *HIPS for hiding in plain site*?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

I think the hiding in plain sight, is often accompanied by gaslighting, see link, which allows the wayward spouse to make the betrayed spouse doubt themselves. It's like living with a conman.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

Thanks for serving, I know many service persons loose their spouse and families because of their profession, and there are OM who specialize in solders wives who are really no better than the enemy.

Tamat


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Actually Maj, what and how your WW cheated is not common at all.

She disrespected you at an exceptional level.

Not just referring to this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> ...I think cheaters do these things to increase the excitement of the affair, there is the danger of being caught and the ego boost of pulling one over on their spouses. *Perhaps they also on some level want to get caught, the outcome of being caught being an end of the affair or divorce.*


:iagree:

Many on a subconscious level want resolution of the conflict.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

YoungAtHeart,

You posted *"Many on a subconscious level want resolution of the conflict. "*

So going a bit further with your statement, do you think some want the affair to end before it does so badly? To preserve what seems for the waywards a magical time, and retain a fond memory for life? So they can part as friends?

One thing my W has never done with OM is see him in a bad light, or view what he did as harmful. 

Tamat


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TAMAT;



> do you think some want the affair to end before it does so badly? To preserve what seems for the waywards a magical time, and retain a fond memory for life? So they can part as friends?


That could be part of it, but I doubt it is that focused.

What I was inartfully trying to say was that when people find themsevles in stressful situations where there is a huge conflict, their subconscious often tries to find a solution (not necessarily a good or optimal solution, but a solution).

The solution might be to do something that could sabatoge their existing marriage or their affair. Either way it will bring resolution and an end to the stress involved in cheating. Sort of, "I must do something to end this angony." Likewise, it could be I don't care if the marriage ends or the affair ends, let the chips fall where they may, I will at least move forward out of this limbo situation. Let the fates deside my future.

Unfortunately, it will also bring about a whole new set of stress, but cheaters aren't usually big-picture, long term consequence thinkers.

Sometimes in adictive behavior people scream out by actions to be saved from themselves with self destructive acts hoping someone will come in and rescue them. That was what I was trying to get at. In such cases the self destructive act to gain attention isn't a well thought out, I want this end state to happen (affair partner ending as friends) as much as I need someone (anyone such as spouse or PA) to save me and end my agony.

I hope that helps.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> TAMAT;
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think I understand that psychology. Initially when I read your post I thought if she wants something to change, then why didn't she make sure she got caught or just tell me she was cheating. But then I thought that she would lose the cake eating and be stuck with zero options, which was a big contributing factor (abandonment/loneliness) to begin with. I would have beat the OM to within an inch of his life, contacted the OMW (or she would figure it out at the emergency room) so the A would be over. Her only option would be to fix it with me or start a new A.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> My FWW recently admitted that once I almost walked in on her and the AP when he was kissing her and had his hands up her shirt. It was at the AP's house during a party on New year's eve. I was downstairs in the basement with about 40 people partying (including the AP's wife) when I noticed those two were gone. After about five minutes I went looking for them upstairs. I found them in a spare room, he was holding a guitar when I walked in. I asked what they were doing and the answer was "he was just showing me his guitars".


I forgot to mention it was during the countdown to midnight when I noticed they were not in the basement. I think they wanted the first kiss of 2003 to themselves. Pretty ballsy!


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> MAJDEATH,
> 
> Had you caught them in the act would you have busted the guitars on OMs head?
> 
> Tamat


That made me think of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqpNQ9AJYgU


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You're still married to this woman? Wow!!


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