# No, really, when can I get off this damn rollercoaster?



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm starting a new thread, re-read my old posts and I want to disown them, and that whole time period!

I have been reading posts on this forum nearly every day for 8 months, and so many of you feel like friends now, which is comforting and odd !

You all give such great advice....but I think most of it is men giving advice to other men...Conrad especially posts a lot about 'no more Mr nice guy' and if you want your wife back, not to come off as weak and needy as that is not attractive in a man....but how do I that?! How am I supposed to act around my husband - do the same rules apply to women?

I am still in limbo...I feel like I am not 'allowed' to start dating, or even thinking of myself as 'single'.....I am still getting mixed signals. 

A week ago, my husband turned up on my doorstep at 10.30 pm the night before my birthday with a huge bunch of flowers, a birthday cake, a card from the kids, and a card from himself.

I was in a really good place emotionally, my best friend was round...it was kind of awkward...it made me happy, and sad too....the next day his texts ended in kisses....so I get pulled back in....predictably the kisses stop. But he is till asking me round to see yogi (our dog), initiating text conversations. 

This morning when he dropped the kids round, i asked him for a hug and silently (ie in a dignified way - no sobbing, or wailing!) wept on his shoulder while he hugged me so so tight...I tried to end the hug a few times....didn't want to annoy him, but he kept right on hugging me.

Now i just feel **** again. Why did I go to him for comfort? WHY??  I always end up feeling this way.... will I ever LEARN??? But this leads me back to the point of earlier....is it still really weak and unattractive for a woman to show this side of herself....OR do men actually like it as it plays into the whole 'hero/damsel' thing? 

I am out of the two of us the dignified one. He is the one sending the immature and hurtful texts, being hot and cold, shouting, sulking..... it is rare that I let him see how I am really feeling....is this a total mistake???

This is just insane, I don't even know if I wan to be back with him...I would definitely go to MC...but he won't....so at the moment, the limbo continues....


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> I'm starting a new thread, re-read my old posts and I want to disown them, and that whole time period!
> 
> I have been reading posts on this forum nearly every day for 8 months, and so many of you feel like friends now, which is comforting and odd !
> 
> ...


Who walked out? I am guessing him, right?

Is there another woman in the picture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

No, no other woman...this has been going on for 8 months, and for 7 of those we were still living together. I know it is everyone's first thought...mine too...but really... no.

This is my original post

He keeps reaching out to me...i still have a key to our house (where he still lives) and he is happy that every now and then I've let myself in to collect something for the kids...he invites me round to 'see the kids', to see 'the dog'...and i saw a packet of sleeping tablets at his house - he has never had problems sleeping before...

I can't get out of this place of reading into everything....if I did want to get him back, what would a man want to see???!!!!


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Katy, it looks like you need better distance to get some clarity, either for or against. at 8 mos you are still heavily entwined and confused.

fwiw, books like NMMNG and Hold on to your NUTS are very male-centric in their content addressing how masculinity has gotten muddled in a post-post feminist climate (my word not theirs). Though they may help you understand some of the problems in your husband, they aren't specifically designed for you. Have you checked out the Awareness book in my sig, which a number of us site for it's austere clarity?


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> Katy, it looks like you need better distance to get some clarity, either for or against. at 8 mos you are still heavily entwined and confused.
> 
> fwiw, books like NMMNG and Hold on to your NUTS are very male-centric in their content addressing how masculinity has gotten muddled in a post-post feminist climate (my word not theirs). Though they may help you understand some of the problems in your husband, they aren't specifically designed for you. Have you checked out the Awareness book in my sig, which a number of us site for it's austere clarity?


Hi Orpheus, thanks for your reply.... So 8 months is still a short amount of time in limbo land?!! That totally sucks. Distance is hard to get/maintain because of the kids... I feel like a patient that got told they had 'incurable' cancer...a victim of 'death by diagnosis' almost like I went into shock when he told me, or some sort of trance... And only now I'm waking up, being hit with a massive realisation of 'how the F*@k could he DO this??! I want the old husband back... But he is MIA... So I'm (today at least) moving on!! 
I can't see the book in your sig, as I'm on mobile, is it the book my Anthony De Mello? I shall dig out my mac later and take a look. 
Plus side, a man miaowed at me today!!! Good thing??! Got to take the compliments when I can!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Katy,

Have you read the article in my signature (DO YOU LOVE...)?

If not, please read it.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

katy, time is not tied to distance. some people hold on for years; some people never look back.

yes, the DeMello book is the one. Sigs don't post to my iphone and i guess most mobile devices.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Alright here's the article:

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Don't put yourself into a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. My STBXW walked out on me about 2 weeks ago. We went to marriage counseling for 1 day and she told me she wasnt 100% into saving marriage (but i was). So she gets what she wants. 

I hired a lawyer in 3 days, had him draft up the separation papers (that me and the STBXW agreed to) and we signed it the next day. All together took 1 week to leave her. If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out of me, then so be it. PEACE!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

legiox said:


> Don't put yourself into a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. My STBXW walked out on me about 2 weeks ago. We went to marriage counseling for 1 day and she told me she wasnt 100% into saving marriage (but i was). So she gets what she wants.
> 
> I hired a lawyer in 3 days, had him draft up the separation papers (that me and the STBXW agreed to) and we signed it the next day. All together took 1 week to leave her. If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out of me, then so be it. PEACE!


You got my respect sir!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

legiox said:


> Don't put yourself into a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. My STBXW walked out on me about 2 weeks ago. We went to marriage counseling for 1 day and she told me she wasnt 100% into saving marriage (but i was). So she gets what she wants.
> 
> I hired a lawyer in 3 days, had him draft up the separation papers (that me and the STBXW agreed to) and we signed it the next day. All together took 1 week to leave her. If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out of me, then so be it. PEACE!


Damn, you are my freakin' hero!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

legiox said:


> Don't put yourself into a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. My STBXW walked out on me about 2 weeks ago. We went to marriage counseling for 1 day and she told me she wasnt 100% into saving marriage (but i was). So she gets what she wants.
> 
> I hired a lawyer in 3 days, had him draft up the separation papers (that me and the STBXW agreed to) and we signed it the next day. All together took 1 week to leave her. If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out of me, then so be it. PEACE!


That's amazing! "If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out, then so be it." I wish I could have that attitude! Way to go!


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

Dignity said:


> That's amazing! "If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out, then so be it." I wish I could have that attitude! Way to go!


Yes, this was very hard to do. But i rather do this, then try and make something work when all i know is that I'm pretty much "kicking the can down the road" Not worth my emotions. Somebody else out there will be much better.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

legiox said:


> Don't put yourself into a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. My STBXW walked out on me about 2 weeks ago. We went to marriage counseling for 1 day and she told me she wasnt 100% into saving marriage (but i was). So she gets what she wants.
> 
> I hired a lawyer in 3 days, had him draft up the separation papers (that me and the STBXW agreed to) and we signed it the next day. All together took 1 week to leave her. If someone doesn't love me enough and walks out of me, then so be it. PEACE!


DUDE! YOU GOT BALLS! It's TOTALLY unlike me to say this and since no one knows where my street cred is, I will also say this -

I envy your balls too -


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

legiox said:


> Yes, this was very hard to do. But i rather do this, then try and make something work when all i know is that I'm pretty much "kicking the can down the road" Not worth my emotions. Somebody else out there will be much better.


Can we swap brains for a minute? Might spare me a lot of toil. Not sure what mine will do for you though..


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> I'm starting a new thread, re-read my old posts and I want to disown them, and that whole time period!
> 
> I have been reading posts on this forum nearly every day for 8 months, and so many of you feel like friends now, which is comforting and odd !
> 
> ...


If he is refusing to go to counselling and you've been separate for 7 months, I would go to counselling alone. Grow, develop and heal me. You cannot fix your marriage alone.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Legiox - I completely agree with your sentiment. And that attitude is how I live my life... With everybody else it seems, except my husband!
I had an abusive childhood (mother) I used to be very effed up!! Ive had a lot of therapy, ive read hundreds of books...I have been searching for and working on self actualisation/awareness for nearly 10 years.... And I've come a long way baby! I've been through the fire... I got strong enough where I could walk away without anger, without blame from people who brought drama, anger etc into my life. I cut all contact with my mum, my entire family... Best decision ever... I grew, I healed, I learnt so much about me. The main lesson being it IS all about me... If I have a problem with something or someone, this is simply a reflection of a problem in me. No one can 'make' me feel anything, I am responsible for my own happiness... Perception is reality and I choose to see only GOOD! 
I'm now a therapist and I feel I'm allowed to be!!! I really have been there and hot the t-shirt, of course I'm still learning, but my passion in life is helping other people set themselves free. Once you really get it, that EVERYTHING begins and ends with you, the feeling of being able to do/be anything is intoxicating!!
I've listened to De Mello on YouTube quite a lot - I already love him... Not read the book yet... But dozens like it.
My husband is my last challenge, I got together with him when I was 20 and deep into the effed up needy, co-dependant, angry, sad, blameful part of my life...I have definitely grown and learnt many things from this relationship... And I will always be grateful to hubby for that.... 
In any other relationship I take no ****, I take full responsibility for my feelings thoughts actions, I expect those in my life to do the same... If they don't want to, well I'm just not interested... BUT this is like that last irritating booger that you just can't get out of your nose!!! I KNEW the second he dropped the bomb that this was 'right', that we'd come to the end of what we could give each other... I spent 10 years putting a hell of an effort into becoming more AWAKE more AWARE.... My husband ... Not so much.
It is hard to just 'walk' away... I am in great conflict... I have never ever been a doormat for a man... But he's my HUSBAND... So shouldn't I take more crap than I would usually?? I don't have much anger towards him, a lot of sadness, regret I guess.
I'm scared that if I apply my life philosophy/ beliefs to this situation... That I will be... Happy without him...!!! Gasp!! Horror!!!
Clearly I still have some co-dependency issues with him... But I am slowly wriggling out of its grip... Really this relationship dynamic has held me back for a long time... 
When I'm feeling all 'zen' I feel a deep sense of peace, a deep love for this man, compassion for both of us, and I KNOW that life is unfolding perfectly... That the end of the marriage is not the end of the world... In fact it's a new jumping off point for both of us.... I feel this pretty much every day, and at times pretty intensely - especially if I've been meditating.... The problem is it just alternates with a deep sadness, confusion, an urge to fight, to not let go.... If I could just make him see....!!! All that bull****....!!! Sorry for huge ramblings!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks iBolt - just noticed that you'd made lots of really good comments/observations on my previous posts - but your post seems to have merged with mine so I didn't notice at first - need to get on my mac and off my phone maybe ?
Why is it soooo much easier to give advice to others... If we all just took our own advice we'd be sorted!!
I'm getting there... Since we've separated I've treated him with love, respect and understanding - at all times... Seriously. Which is more than I did when we were married!! It has been a GREAT lesson... A vertical learning 'curve'! Loving someone just BECAUSE. Not to get something in return. I'm aiming for true, unconditional love - something which I don't think comes very easily or naturally to any of us. Even the love we have for our babies (kids ) can be so very unintentionally conditional.
I love this site!! Thanking all of you! x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

whatKatyblahblah...

How are your children doing? Where are the spending most of their time? If they're spending time with dad, is dad coping well alone with them? Has anyone sat with the children to talk things through with them and to reassure them?

I find that while two adults are busy sorting things out between themselves, often enough, children are left out entirely. Of course they don't need the details but, I strongly believe that they need to be totally reassured that they are loved, all the mess going on has nothing to do with them and both parents will be there for them. They might have questions or things to get off their chest.

I started something with my 3 (all under 10) called 'chat nights' every Sunday night. They could ask me anything and I would answer them in confidence. It was also an opportunity for me to have one on one time with each child, let them know I love them and allay their fears. It is amazing how much stuff kids cook up in their wonderful heads if not engaged with by an adult.

I know this will be difficult while you're trying to deal with your own emotional stuff, but I know it is possible and totally worth the sacrifice.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

My children are 6 and two... They are doing brilliantly well. When I told my 6 year old, he was just really excited to get a new bedroom, two gardens, two houses! They have two homes now... To begin with they referred to the old family home as 'home' and the new place as Mummy's house... Now they're both 'home'. They are very accepting... All we told them was mummy and daddy are going to be living in different houses, that we're still a family, just a different type. They know we love them (we have a very very close relationship, we share our 'thoughts' every night after the bedtime story... And there's loads of affection and laughs and snuggles) It's been nearly 2 months and you just wouldn't know anything had changed for them. Not only do they know that we love them, they know that mummy and daddy love each other - which we do. We are still great friends, since this started we've not argued or discussed anything potentially explosive in front of them... We talk the talk, but we also walk the walk... They still see us laughing together, hugging, being friendly, respectful...we've all had breakfast together a couple of times...Children are very perceptive they know when your faking it! Childcare is split 50:50 we live 5 minutes away from each other... It's pretty much near perfect actually.... I could do with the acceptance and blind faith of a 6 year old!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> My children are 6 and two... They are doing brilliantly well. When I told my 6 year old, he was just really excited to get a new bedroom, two gardens, two houses! They have two homes now... To begin with they referred to the old family home as 'home' and the new place as Mummy's house... Now they're both 'home'. They are very accepting... All we told them was mummy and daddy are going to be living in different houses, that we're still a family, just a different type. They know we love them (we have a very very close relationship, we share our 'thoughts' every night after the bedtime story... And there's loads of affection and laughs and snuggles) It's been nearly 2 months and you just wouldn't know anything had changed for them. Not only do they know that we love them, they know that mummy and daddy love each other - which we do. We are still great friends, since this started we've not argued or discussed anything potentially explosive in front of them... We talk the talk, but we also walk the walk... They still see us laughing together, hugging, being friendly, respectful...we've all had breakfast together a couple of times...Children are very perceptive they know when your faking it! Childcare is split 50:50 we live 5 minutes away from each other... It's pretty much near perfect actually.... I could do with the acceptance and blind faith of a 6 year old!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is admirable. I'd suggest you keep it up. Knowing how much a week of NC has done for me in becoming less emotionally dependent on my wife, I am just thinking how you can create space for yourselves or least to a minimum while he decides if he wants to go to MC with you..

In all, very well done. I hope that part of your family life can be maintained.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Thank you  I hope we can maintain it too. I am slightly concerned that when I actually start moving on (ie other men come into the picture) that's when he may get mean again... If he wasn't conflicted it would be much easier to make a clean break from him. It is a hard path to navigate, keeping things smooth for the kids, but then still having healthy boundaries... Many times in the past I have overlooked unacceptable hurtful behaviour as I didn't want to 'make things worse' and end up down the route of nasty divorce... It's easier now I've moved out to keep the peace without sacrificing my self respect.... 
Are your kids a bit older than mine? Dies it make it easier or harder the fact your W is not their mother??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

WhatKatyShouldHaveDone said:


> Thank you  I hope we can maintain it too. I am slightly concerned that when I actually start moving on (ie other men come into the picture) that's when he may get mean again... If he wasn't conflicted it would be much easier to make a clean break from him. It is a hard path to navigate, keeping things smooth for the kids, but then still having healthy boundaries... Many times in the past I have overlooked unacceptable hurtful behaviour as I didn't want to 'make things worse' and end up down the route of nasty divorce... It's easier now I've moved out to keep the peace without sacrificing my self respect....
> Are your kids a bit older than mine? Dies it make it easier or harder the fact your W is not their mother??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Mine are 9, 8 and 5 though I divorced their mum when they were a little younger. That my wife is not their mum hasn't made it any easier. I totally looked at her as a mum to my kids. I gave her all the respect and consideration (in fact more) that I could give her as a parent. So, for me, this was it i.e happiness found but it isn't looking that way at all. I am mainly going NC for my own peace of mind and sanity. I have never known anyone to fingerpoint and play victim so vehemently as she does. Too much for me. What makes it easier for me is not that she isn't my children's mum but that I just need peace in my life and I want her to know that I will NOT beg her to stay married to me any longer. I have a lot going for me and refuse to beg anyone to marry me. I hope that makes sense


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can get off the roller coaster whenever you decide to get off.

You are in control. You decide when to ride it and when not to. Sure, it takes time to know how to control the urge to step into the muck, but...know your center, know yourself and don't let the whirlwind suck you in.

You control it. So get off the roller coaster.


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