# I am not strong enough



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?

First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.

I long for affection, being intimate, having disagreements that are talked through instead of being shut out and just brushed under the rug.

I dream about someone who wants to be with me. Someone to spend time with and laugh with. To be intimate with.

But this is my life. Im lonely.
Ive talked to him so many times about this only to be brushed aside. Ive cried at night after talking with him about needing intimacy to have him just roll over and fall asleep.
I stopped caring about myself because if my husband can’t acknowledge me then there must be something wrong with me.
I feel beaten down and weak.
I have so much respect for people who know what they will put up with and wont and do something about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hasn't it ever occured to you that there may be something wrong with HIM?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...



How long have you been together? was it like this from the beginning? 

You are depressed, therefore you sense of worthlessness. Why can you just up and leave?
have you seen a lawyer to gather where you stand in a divorce?
You know what's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. This is where you are. You have continue in the same path with him not really listening. You know why? because he's so secure in himself in respect to you that he doesn't even register your dissatisfaction because he has never seem any repercussions. If you want him to change or to at least acknowledge his wrongdoing you need to shake him to the core. Will presenting him with separation papers do? if it doesn't, then you got your answer: he doesn't care about you, only what you provide to make his life easy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

One of the biggest shames in the relationship world is how we woo each other, and then eventually take each other for granted. What we need to remind ourselves every day is that if we have someone who loves us, its a precious gift that we need to be in thankfulness and awe.

If you don't water or tend your garden, it will whither away and die.

A long time ago, I was with my lady, minding my own business, when she took a restroom break, a younger
Guy came, leaned into me and said "you lucky basted! I'd do anything to have a woman look at me the way
She was looking at you. You better not blow it, you @shole!!".

At first I was mad, but as I began to think about it, I realized I was a lucky [email protected] I never forgot that.

I don't know what it will take for your husband to wake up, but when he does, he might find himself alone realize 
What a jeerk he's been.r it'll be too late


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can only count on having this one life to live as well as possible. Don't waste your time with people who make you miserable. 

What kind of person are you? Are you generally a person who wakes up happy and looking forward to the day or are you generally somewhat depressed and dreading the day? Because that can also be a problem no one else can fix. But if he's the problem, leave him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What are you doing with your time? Do you work? Do you have interests of your own?
Men will crow on and on about how that want a wife who will live as their submissive, a silent, obedient slave that lives only to please them. Then they get that and over time see why that is bad for both people in a marriage. You need your own reasons to live. He can’t be your everything because that makes you dull and frankly, pathetic.
Don’t look to him to fix things. Fix your own life. Find your own happiness. Become an interesting person without him and learn to make yourself happy. Then he can either come around and appreciate it or you can move on with a head start.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?


So you're indulging in what-if thinking. What-if = hopium = a sure-fire way to end up feeling disappointed, neglected, resentful, depressed, and .... well, you get the picture.



mitzi said:


> I stopped caring about myself because if my husband can’t acknowledge me then there must be something wrong with me.
> I feel beaten down and weak.


You've invested far too much emotionally in looking to this man to validate you. Until you can respect, love, and validate yourself, you will remain in a hell of your own making. You can make better choices. You can gain the tools to become stronger. But it starts with you. Remain in victim-mode or become proactive to make a better life for yourself. Nobody can do it for you. You have to do it for yourself. Difficult and challenging, but rewarding in the end results.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I went and looked at your history. Your first post was in 2013, married 3 years and already starving for affection. Here you are 8 years later, still felling unloved. If nothing changes than everything remains the same.

Your husband is who he is and obviously not going to change. Really only a few options, stay and accept it, stay married but create your own life doing activities that fulfill you, or divorce.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Mitzi: Successful marriages take a combination of decent pair of people and hard work on top of "being decent."

First you have to inventory yourself...
What do you want and what will you compromise in getting what you want
If what you want and not getting (or living the way you want) is a deal breaker - you have to begin
SERIOUS work to make and force a change. lt can happen if both parties are willing and MOTIVATED.

Well, what if - ya - the "What IF?" the other side doesn't see the leave and grass as the same color you have a problem in communication to resolve first. If the communication problem can not be resolved - what then?

Well - you have to choose to continue to live as you have been. (ugh!)

If such choice is unacceptable - you have to take action to get yourself out of an untenable situation.

Living in an unhappy relationship is a choice - 

What will you do to change your state of happiness?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...


Your husband is doing you wrong if he's not paying attention to you. 
You're affirmed on that point.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...


Let me give you a little secret. If you are waiting for a day when you don't feel the way you do, it probably won't come. That's because that is not what strength is. Strength is feeling exactly like you do and still moving forward. It's acting even though your whole body or heart is telling you can't. It's doing it anyway despite the pain. That is courage. It's not the absence of fear, it's feeling afraid and still moving forward. 

Every single person who you admire for being strong, felt exactly like you do now they just kept going.

You an do that too, you just have to choose to.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Let me give you a little secret. If you are waiting for a day when you don't feel the way you do, it probably won't come. That's because that is not what strength is. Strength is feeling exactly like you do and still moving forward. It's acting even though your whole body or heart is telling you can't. It's doing it anyway despite the pain. That is courage. It's not the absence of fear, it's feeling afraid and still moving forward.
> 
> Every single person who you admire for being strong, felt exactly like you do now they just kept going.
> 
> You an do that too, you just have to choose to.


This definitely makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Courage is what I need.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...


How old are you and how long have you been married.
Time for you to start working on yourself. Forget about him. 
1. get an educaiton
2. get a job (part time to begin with)
3. Start joining clubs, gym, etc
4. Do charity work
5. Do 180 on him, be interesting, non commital, do not be at his beck and call.
6. Go home on holidays to see your family, let him manage for a while without you.
Let him cook his own food once in a while, do not be home when he gets home. Show him you have a life outside of him and if he wants to be part of your life then he will have to make an effort.

You may realise that he really doesn't care. If that is the case then start getting your ducks in a row, make your own way in life and get out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

mitzi said:


> This definitely makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Courage is what I need.


You are as strong as YOU DECIDE to be.


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## MBenjamin (Nov 28, 2021)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...


I feel for you as I am the same man that you are describing in my own relationship. I can’t speak for him, but in my own experience, I never intended for it to get this bad.

It took her years to gain the courage to stand up to me and here I am like a repentant man on his deathbed.

If you do end up having the conversation regarding divorce or separation, be prepared for him to quickly shift to providing everything that you say that he has been lacking. It’ll be tough as you won’t be able to figure out which of two motives are behind it. 

1. He starts doing everything right just so that the marriage doesn’t end. 

2. He starts doing everything right because he genuinely understands and feels remorse and wants to fix things. 

Unfortunately I can’t tell you how to discern between the two. My spouse is in the same boat as you and faces with the same decision


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@mitzi I would suggest individual counselling for you. Maybe couple's counselling, too.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

MBenjamin said:


> I feel for you as I am the same man that you are describing in my own relationship. I can’t speak for him, but in my own experience, I never intended for it to get this bad.
> 
> It took her years to gain the courage to stand up to me and here I am like a repentant man on his deathbed.
> 
> ...


your way more of a man to admit this.
1. He will NEVER admit he is ever wrong at anything 

2.He doesn’t act fazed or miss me when I go away for a few days


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @mitzi I would suggest individual counselling for you. Maybe couple's counselling, too.


I am seeing a counselor. We saw a marriage counselor three times at which the counselor told him he needed to seek counseling for himself and he wont.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

So you leave and he doesn’t care? Why do you go back?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MBenjamin said:


> I never intended for it to get this bad.


What did you intend? 



MBenjamin said:


> 1. He starts doing everything right just so that the marriage doesn’t end.
> 
> 2. He starts doing everything right because he genuinely understands and feels remorse and wants to fix things.


Which is your motive? Why did it take a declaration of divorce for you to realize where the relationship stood?


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## MBenjamin (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What did you intend?


Sorry, poor choice of words. I wasn't aware that it had gotten bad. I guess she just stopped providing feedback on our marriage so I didn't see it.



Blondilocks said:


> Which is your motive? Why did it take a declaration of divorce for you to realize where the relationship stood?


The second one. As I said, it got to the point where it boiled over for her and only then did I realize how bad it had gotten.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MBenjamin said:


> Sorry, poor choice of words. I wasn't aware that it had gotten bad. I guess she just stopped providing feedback on our marriage so I didn't see it.
> 
> 
> The second one. As I said, it got to the point where it boiled over for her and only then did I realize how bad it had gotten.


So, she had been providing feedback that you didn't act on? If so, why not?


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## MBenjamin (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> So, she had been providing feedback that you didn't act on? If so, why not?


I don't know. Narcissism? I wasn't in tune with her wishes.

It's a weird sort of cognitive dissonance where I believe to my core that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but my actions don't reflect it. I am going to start going to a therapist to work on myself.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you leave and he doesn’t care? Why do you go back?


I leave to travel to a friends in another State. Not to leave him but when Im gone for a few days he doesn’t even miss me. 
I go back because Im raising my toddler great nephew who I have had since birth.


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## alisha_j (9 mo ago)

mitzi said:


> Ever wish there was some button you could click and have what you envisioned your life would turn out to be?
> 
> First I want to say Im not physically abused and my husband works all the time.
> 
> ...


You feel exactly the same way.. I'm so lost in my relationship itself


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

alisha_j said:


> You feel exactly the same way.. I'm so lost in my relationship itself


Im sorry you are dealing with this as well. Please feel free to reach out anytime. You look young and have many years ahead of you.


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