# Husband punches wall, afraid I'm next!



## WhalesTale2014

My husband will sometimes punch walls when he is angry. He then will drive off in our only car for hours and hours to "cool down". Today was the first time he did it in front of our newborn daughter and she cried because she was scared and could probably sense the anger. My husband has a stressful job and takes it out on me. He will get angry and be rude to me when I tell him he is giving me an attitude for no reason. I try to be calm about it for the sake of our daughter, but I am also dealing with postpartum depression. But there are just times when he is just rude to me and doesn't even know it. When I bring it to his attention, he swears it all in my head and I am twisting things around. I told him I grew up in a very emotionally unstable home. My mother would hold grudges against my father for months, he would sleep in the living room all the time. They would argue about in laws. They would always do it in front of me and my brother and sister. My parents didn't divorce because they care too much about what other people think. I told my husband how much I didn't want our daughter to go thru seeing such an emotional and mental health problems in her parents. That if we have problems with anything we should talk it out. He agreed 100%. Instead, he doesn't communicate, doesn't show me respect, and we have a sex less marriage. His family has been rude to me and he hasent stuck up for me even when they are wrong. He has never talked to his family the way he has talked to me. I don't want my daughter to have a screwed up upbringing but I also don't want her not to have a father. I am afraid one day I will be close when my husband is angry and he may hit me or my daughter. He swore to me many times he would never leave again or get angry like that but he keeps doing it and blames the stress on work. I actually told him he should quit and we will get a smaller house so he won't have to deal with such financial burdens. He came up with excuses on how that wouldn't work. I am afraid for my mental and emotion state and along with my daughters.


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## Pamvhv

Do you have family you can go to? You should probably talk to a professional. This is scary.


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## WhalesTale2014

My parents live the closest and they are unstable too, probably even worse. I have a 2x4 near my bed just in case and my daughter sleep in my room with me and I have an over night bag just in case I have to leave ASAP


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## cdbaker

Sounds like he needs some therapy.

One of the big mistakes I made in my marriage early on was that I never was able to understand that my wife "feeling" that something was true, didn't necessarily make it true, but that didn't make it any less valid or relevant. Let me use one of your examples. You said that you feel his stressful job can sometimes make him be mean and rude to you. He expressed that this is "all in your head" and not true.

A 3rd party in the room with you in that moment might very well agree with your husband. Maybe your depression, plus a long day at home with the baby, financial stress, stress over how your husband will treat you that day, etc. could make you be overly sensitive to him. Almost expecting poor treatment. He could be perfectly indifferent/cordial, but with so much stress, exhaustion, prior history of poor relations, etc., that could be interpreted as rudeness. Objectively speaking. So from his point of view, he isn't being rude or mean, you are just plain wrong. You are overreacting, being overly sensitive, etc. If he hasn't done anything wrong, he could certainly feel as if he owes you no apology. The trouble is, right or wrong, you still FEEL hurt and victimized. Unless you're overdoing it all the time every day, he as your husband should make an effort to comfort you and try to help make you feel better or reassure you, whether he caused it or not.

I tried to view everything from a purely logical angle, and thus many of my communication with my wife essentially became debates where I would try to convince her that her feelings were "incorrect" or not rational, which was just absolutely insane of me to think that was possible.

So my thought is that he needs to learn a few things about relationships and a man's responsibility within them. We guys can't treat our partners like they are men, just like women shouldn't treat us as if we are women. I think marriage counseling could do a LOT of good here.


One last thing about your fear of him hitting you or your child. Others can feel free to chime in here, but I believe that there is a distinct difference between a guy who allows himself to punch a door or other inanimate object, beat his fist onto a counter top, storm out of the house to "walk it off" and release some steam, etc., and a guy who is willing to physically attack his wife or child. Obviously there are men who do that, but I think for most men, there is a very, VERY strict line that they won't cross, even if they are the type who allow themselves to express anger/frustration physically like your husband has. So my gut feeling is that if he's never been physical with you before, then it probably wont' happen. Nonetheless, he still needs to get that anger under the control. Once in a blue moon I think it's fine if you need to go out and cool your jets, but it can't be a frequent thing, and it can't continue to happen in front of the child.


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## Omar174

WhalesTale2014 said:


> My parents live the closest and they are unstable too, probably even worse. I have a 2x4 near my bed just in case and my daughter sleep in my room with me and I have an over night bag just in case I have to leave ASAP


He needs anger management therapy. Because what he is putting you through is terrible way to live (2x4 and a bag by the bed). 

You need to figure out a way out of this if he refuses therapy/change.


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## WhalesTale2014

I am going to talk to him about Anger Management and I told him if anyone hit my child over anger-I'd kill them


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## EleGirl

You do not need to be living in a situation in which you are sleeping with a 2x4 next to the bed and threatening to kill your husband if he hits your child.

We need more info… 

How old is your child?

What are you doing about your postpartum depression?

How many hours a week does your husband work? 

What is so stressful about his job?

You need to be in counseling for the abuse. There should be some place in your area that will give you no fee, or low fee counseling. You need this to get the support you need on a regular basis.

Most abusers start out just like your husband; the anger, hitting ways and breaking things. The message is that if you do not get in line and stay under his control it just might be you that he hits next time. 

People who use physical violence and angry outbursts to control others will escalate over time. This is only the start of the problem.

The two of you can change the dynamics of your relationship but it’s close to impossible. You have to both be dedicated to fixing this.

The first step is for you to refuse to be around him and/or talk/argue with him when he is angry. Tell him that when you feel things are getting out of hand you will use the word “STOP”. Just tell him to “STOP”. Let him know that when you say this you are both to go to your corner (your room, take a car ride, whatever) . The idea is to take the time to calm down. It can be half an hour, an hour or a day.. whatever time each of you need to calm down.


You say that you have a bag packed just in case. Where are you going if you need to leave? How will you get there? Do you have any money in emergency fund just in case you need it?


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## WhalesTale2014

EleGirl said:


> You do not need to be living in a situation in which you are sleeping with a 2x4 next to the bed and threatening to kill your husband if he hits your child.
> 
> We need more info…
> 
> How old is your child?
> 
> What are you doing about your postpartum depression?
> 
> How many hours a week does your husband work?
> 
> What is so stressful about his job?
> 
> You need to be in counseling for the abuse. There should be some place in your area that will give you no fee, or low fee counseling. You need this to get the support you need on a regular basis.
> 
> Most abusers start out just like your husband; the anger, hitting ways and breaking things. The message is that if you do not get in line and stay under his control it just might be you that he hits next time.
> 
> People who use physical violence and angry outbursts to control others will escalate over time. This is only the start of the problem.
> 
> The two of you can change the dynamics of your relationship but it’s close to impossible. You have to both be dedicated to fixing this.
> 
> The first step is for you to refuse to be around him and/or talk/argue with him when he is angry. Tell him that when you feel things are getting out of hand you will use the word “STOP”. Just tell him to “STOP”. Let him know that when you say this you are both to go to your corner (your room, take a car ride, whatever) . The idea is to take the time to calm down. It can be half an hour, an hour or a day.. whatever time each of you need to calm down.
> 
> 
> You say that you have a bag packed just in case. Where are you going if you need to leave? How will you get there? Do you have any money in emergency fund just in case you need it?



We had a heart to heart talk tonight. He told me that when I told him to stop helping because he gave me an attitude for no reason, he felt like I showed no appreciation for when he gets home from work and immediately starts helping with the baby. I told him if he would actually communicate we wouldn't have these misunderstanding and outburst of anger. I told him about the 2x4 and he was very hurt and upset with himself that he put me in that position. He said he would kill anyone too who hurt our daughter out of anger n would never want to be the person who does it. He said he feels miserable and knows changes need to be made. Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows now, I'm going to be careful and have him get anger management. Changes aren't made soon, I will leave.


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## EleGirl

WhalesTale2014 said:


> We had a heart to heart talk tonight. He told me that when I told him to stop helping because he gave me an attitude for no reason, he felt like I showed no appreciation for when he gets home from work and immediately starts helping with the baby. I told him if he would actually communicate we wouldn't have these misunderstanding and outburst of anger. I told him about the 2x4 and he was very hurt and upset with himself that he put me in that position. He said he would kill anyone too who hurt our daughter out of anger n would never want to be the person who does it. He said he feels miserable and knows changes need to be made. Things aren't all sunshine and rainbows now, I'm going to be careful and have him get anger management. Changes aren't made soon, I will leave.


It won't help much if only he goes into anger management/counseling. You need to go as well. This is a family issue. the two of you need to learn how to have a healthy relationship.


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## hangininthere

My H does the same thing, punches holes in the walls, throws things, yells, etc. Turns out it is a drug problem. Drugs make people react that way. If you think it is possible that may be going on, it could explain him leaving for hours at a time too.


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## EleGirl

hangininthere said:


> My H does the same thing, punches holes in the walls, throws things, yells, etc. Turns out it is a drug problem. Drugs make people react that way. If you think it is possible that may be going on, it could explain him leaving for hours at a time too.


Yes drugs could explain some things.

An affair could as well. There have been some people here whose spouses causes fights as an excuse to leave the house to 'cool off'. In reality they were using that time to meet their affair partner.

Or he could just be a guy with anger and violence issues.


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