# He isn’t speaking to me



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Last night we were having a good time just chatting over a few drinks. The subject of this haunted apartment I used to live in came up and how it was so strange that three guys had the exact same creepy thing happen. He asked me to remind him who, so I told him. One of the guys being someone we went to school with that was a year behind us. He asked me if I slept with the guy and I said yes. This kid had been in an accident after graduation and lost a leg, so next he asked me if it was when he had a real or fake leg and I answered fake. 

He goes “Jesus Christ how much of a ****ing ***** were you?” Wow, okay. So obviously I am upset by that and I don’t want to fight so I go up to bed. He came up, started to get in bed and apparently changed his mind, because he left and slept on the couch. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since I got up and I haven’t said a word to him. And now he just got in his car and left. We are supposed to be going out to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today. Guess not. 

I am trying to see this from his side so I can break this stalemate, but I just can’t figure out what exactly to apologize for. This is our 7th anniversary - we were not together in 1996 when this happened. And it isn’t like he thinks he married some virgin - he knows I was somewhat promiscuous in high school and beyond. I have never given him a list of who I slept with and neither has he. If he asks I tell him the truth but it really is none of his business. And he cheated on me so I don’t get this level of anger by him over something that has nothing to do with him - we weren’t together, they weren’t friends - okay the fake leg is a bit much but he wasn’t a low life freak. He was and is an upstanding member of the community. 

Right now all I can come up with “sorry I forgave you for cheating on me and killing our baby only to have you butt hurt that 20+ years ago I had a one night stand with the captain of the debate team with one leg”. I don’t think that would help. 

He always apologizes first when he knows he is wrong. So he obviously doesn’t think he is. But I didn’t do anything wrong. I have tried to imagine how I would feel if I heard he had sex with a specific person 20 years ago - I can imagine shock, maybe some disgust, followed by a lot of ball busting. But I wouldn’t go dark on him and ruin our anniversary. 

I am trying not to be angry at him for being a complete douchnozzle. He is obviously having a very emotional reaction to this and I don’t want to dismiss it. But seriously?

Help.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*

Stop answering these types of questions, and ignore him. Carry on with your life, and let him sulk.

Do not give him anymore details or explain yourself further. Just stop. No more history. No more specifics.

All these particulars that you're thinking about and sorting through - let them go. They don't matter.

He owes you a HUGE apology for saying such a nasty, disrespectful thing to you. 

Does he speak to you this way often???


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



minimalME said:


> Stop answering these types of questions, and ignore him. Carry on with your life, and let him sulk.
> 
> Do not give him anymore details or explain yourself further. Just stop. No more history. No more specifics.
> 
> ...



Is it possible that he had too much to drink? IMO there is no excuse for his disrespectful language and treatment of you. As above, does he talk go you in this manner often often? Is there an 'outside' reason he is trying to pick a fight? I agree with @minimalME.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Is this a man thing? 

Does he need to see someone and talk with them about his issues with someone giving his wife an orgasm? 

Sometimes, I wonder if the issue is, a man doesn't always know if the woman he is with is having an orgasm, or if she is just putting up with him for a while. I wonder if his performance in real life surpassed his fantasies of what it was like for you in the past, maybe a man is not as likely to become this abusive, hurt, angry, whatever you want to call it. 

I don't know what to call it, but I know he is wrong. I know he hurt you. Wish he didn't.

I'm guessing it somewhat depends on his knowledge of women's reactions to orgasm and what he has experienced? Not sure.

Always wanted to ask these questions.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

No he doesn’t speak to me like that. He did not have a lot to drink. And I don’t think he is cheating again and just picking a fight. He has been very loving and attentive and honestly just wonderful. I don’t get it. 

I am going to get ready and keep our anniversary plans with or without him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> Last night we were having a good time just chatting over a few drinks. The subject of this haunted apartment I used to live in came up and how it was so strange that three guys had the exact same creepy thing happen. He asked me to remind him who, so I told him. One of the guys being someone we went to school with that was a year behind us. He asked me if I slept with the guy and I said yes. This kid had been in an accident after graduation and lost a leg, so next he asked me if it was when he had a real or fake leg and I answered fake.
> 
> He goes “Jesus Christ how much of a ****ing ***** were you?” Wow, okay. So obviously I am upset by that and I don’t want to fight so I go up to bed. He came up, started to get in bed and apparently changed his mind, because he left and slept on the couch. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since I got up and I haven’t said a word to him. And now he just got in his car and left. We are supposed to be going out to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today. Guess not.


Read this book. It will explain everything that's happening.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would like to say that a statement like he made in your second paragraph is not something said to anyone where respect is present... that is a pain-shopping statement of shaming from an insecure place that is felt in your relationship.

From his side? Insecurity or judgement is clouding any clear thinking, his words were hurtful but take a breath as your venting thoughts sound just as reactionary.

It is when your relationship started is what you are accountable for... that is the window you both need to focus on, not the past. You are not to going to control any of his reactions, so give him space and observe the day... park the bad feelings on your side and only apologize if you really mean it... keep it true, kind, and necessary right now and buffer the hurt with kindness because no matter how poor his behavior, throwing it back at him will solve nothing.

As for now, stalemates come when listening is not allowed to be an option, offer to listen to him but only up to the point when it is no longer an explanation of behavior on his part... if it becomes a blame-game it is nothing more than directed suffering and should be left behind. Let him know you are here for today and will remain here as your anniversary is a celebration of the present. If he chooses to double-down on the past, a hard look at how insecurity plays in your relationship would be required for you to have a healthy future together.

I know you are sorry for how the conversation went, learn from it and next time remember the necessary part when discussing things pre-relationship in the future.

Again, the words he used are horribly destructive to a relationship and should never be part of one... let him know that such are not allowed again and that is one of your boundaries for any future disagreements, the effects telling of the values therein, and if respect is not present than neither is the relationship... what you do then is all your choice to make, so choose wisely.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

he is being a jerk...an immature jerk...i'm sorry this is happening on an important date like that but you do not own him an apology you did nothing wrong. Tell him to man up.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If you are seriously thinking about apologizing to him, you've got it all wrong, hon. He should apologize to you for calling you a *****. 

I'm sorry. That's a horrible thing for him to say.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> No he doesn’t speak to me like that.


But he did.

That is who he is - a person capable of telling the person he 'loves' that she is a 'f*cking wh*re.

Please read the book I linked. You can read it today online.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*

@Bluesclues, do you come from an abusive family?

I'm asking because instead of being indignant, you want to make it better. I'm wondering where your anger is about being spoken to in such a horrid way?

If it had been me, I would've been crawling out of my skin, and I seriously doubt I could've stayed in the house. Definitely wouldn't have slept in the same bed.

Calling you a ****ing *****? Even with the sincerest apology, it would be ages before I'd want him to touch me again. If ever.

It's really hard to believe this came out of nowhere.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



turnera said:


> But he did.
> 
> That is who he is - a person capable of telling the person he 'loves' that she is a 'f*cking wh*re.


Exactly.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



minimalME said:


> Exactly.


I'm rather old fashioned, and was a virgin when I began dating my wife.

She could tell me she slept with 13 midgets and a goat before we got married and I would _never_ talk to her like that. Her pre-me life was hers, and I have zero grounds to complain about it, especially after we had established a good, healthy, monogomaous and committed relationship with each other. I now know some of her deep dark secrets of the pre-me life, and I don't take them personally. Really, how could I? The only character that matters is the one demonstrated since "I do."


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

He is being more than a jerk. I a mess. 

I tried to speak with him when he got home like “hey are we going to not speak forever?” He walked away. So I said “I didn’t do anything wrong”. He said “Nothing wrong? Why don’t you just go through the yearbook and make a list of whose **** wasn’t in you, that might be easier.” I said “you are seriously going to end our marriage for this?” And he said “my marriage to a *****? Yeah I guess so. Get away from me, you disgust me.” 

I asked him to leave and he said no. So I calmly as possible rounded up my kids and told them we were going out to eat. We are driving and they both say they aren’t actually hungry - wtf? that happens all of never - so I turned around and just went home. 

Now I am sitting outside smoking with tears running and he is winterizing the snowblower like a psycho. He is truly acting like a BH that just found out. 

You are right, he obviously doesn’t respect me. When I tell you what a good place I thought we were in over the past year - just this awesome groove of mutual love and appreciation and teamwork...it wasn’t real? THIS is real? This switch to hate and cruelty in less than 24 hours? 

Full disclosure. We were each other’s first BF/GF in junior high. I broke up with him to date a senior that I lost my virginity too. The guy was an ass and taunted him about it. He carried a torch for me and we got back together our senior year and I was his first. And I proceeded to cheat on him in a very dramatic and public way. It wasn’t pretty. When we reconnected that was a big topic of discussion on the whys, what has changed in me to prevent it happening again. So although I have not cheated on him in this marriage, I did cheat on him and it adds a confusing mad hatter like level of emotions. Maybe I am just making excuses for him now. 

I am a puddle right now.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Stop answering these types of questions, and ignore him. Carry on with your life, and let him sulk.
> 
> Do not give him anymore details or explain yourself further. Just stop. No more history. No more specifics.
> 
> ...


Every bit of this

Period

No matter what anyone says


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit down and read the book. Now. Please.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

minimalME said:


> @Bluesclues, do you come from an abusive family?
> 
> I'm asking because instead of being indignant, you want to make it better. I'm wondering where your anger is about being spoken to in such a horrid way?
> 
> ...


No, not from an abusive family. I do have an issue with trying to make things better because I have been abusive in the past. I was a terrible person and I guess it is penance for my past actions.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

turnera said:


> Sit down and read the book. Now. Please.


Downloaded on the Kindle


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

What you did at 14 is irrelevant.

Repeat that over and over.

Because some projecting ass is going to come onto your thread and focus on junior high and make this your fault. Because there been reading too much Reddit.

YOUR HUSBAND is the only one wrong here

PERIOD


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

(as a man)If you know you can't stand hearing about those things, best not to even date.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> Every bit of this
> 
> Period
> 
> No matter what anyone says


Wouldn't this be the perfect test of an abusive potential mate? If he can't talk about pasts, maybe he isn't right for you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> Right now all I can come up with “sorry I forgave you for cheating on me and killing our baby only to have you butt hurt that 20+ years ago I had a one night stand with the captain of the debate team with one leg”. I don’t think that would help.


Here I will help you, he is an *******. Pretty simple.




> sorry I forgave you for cheating on me and killing our baby


How did he kill you baby, depending on the answer I may change ******* to monster.

You can do MUCH better. Run run far away.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Every bit of this
> ...


When a "test" risks abuse, it's not a good test.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> No, not from an abusive family. I do have an issue with trying to make things better because I have been abusive in the past. I was a terrible person and I guess it is penance for my past actions.


I'd come hug you, if I could.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What are your anniversary plans? Do you have time off?

If it were me, I'd go pack a bag, and I'd leave. If you can afford it, go to a hotel. If not, to a friend or family member. Or a women's shelter in your city.

And I'd contact a lawyer tomorrow - a shelter might know of some that charge less, or nothing. Lots of lawyers offer their initial consulting for free.

This is the very first time I've ever said this on TAM, but I'd strongly consider divorcing him.

Abuse happens in stages, and if he's willing to speak to you this way (out of the blue), then who knows what else he's capable of?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> When a "test" risks abuse, it's not a good test.


Before sex with him? 

I guess I think it's the sex that solidifies the greater chances for abuse.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



minimalME said:


> -Snip- He owes you a HUGE apology for saying such a nasty, disrespectful thing to you.  -snip-





sunsetmist said:


> -snip- IMO there is no excuse for his disrespectful language and treatment of you. -snip- .





Bluesclues said:


> -snip- I am trying not to be angry at him for being a complete douchnozzle. -snip-


apparently this is one of those one way standards. It looks like name calling is accepted in your relationship. 
As to retroactive jealousy, it's not helping him get closer to you. It's not helping you trust him more.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

So there is a “rest of the story”?

It would seem your H had quite a bit of difficulty dealing with the humiliation caused by your actions in HS. In fact, I’d bet he’s never gotten over it ... just tamped it down and tried to forget about it.

Now he finds out that there was even MORE that he didn’t know about and he’s experiencing humiliation again on top of what he didn’t deal with properly before.

I’m sure you’ll continue to get plenty of support and sympathy, but I can see where the root cause of his anger originates.

I’m also guessing he’s kicking himself in the ass right now for ignoring the red flags and marrying someone he knew he shouldn’t have.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Bluesclues said:
> 
> 
> > Right now all I can come up with “sorry I forgave you for cheating on me and killing our baby only to have you butt hurt that 20+ years ago I had a one night stand with the captain of the debate team with one leg”. I don’t think that would help.
> ...


I just blame him for the miscarriage because I received an infection from him (from her). That probably isn’t fair for me to even write. Miscarriage is common and more common in older women like me (I was 41).


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Perhaps just sit down and write out a list of everything you've done sexually with anyone, he can choose to read it or not. Just for the sake of historical honestly. Tell him you will take a polygraph if he does.

Ask him to do the same.

Everyone has a line they never will cross or will tolerate their spouse crossing, usually it's more of a landmine and when you step on it it seems innocent. It might be dating some old person, ugly, minority, wealthy, poor, same sex or whatever.

And yes the likely root cause here is your giving away your virginity to someone in high school, in his mind his affair balanced that out. Now the relationship is unbalanced again in his mind.

Are any of the people you were with in the past still living nearby or in your lives somehow.

Was this one legged man someone he has know and still knows and is in your lives?

What did you and he do to recover from his affair?

Tamat


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> So there is a “rest of the story”?
> 
> It would seem your H had quite a bit of difficulty dealing with the humiliation caused by your actions in HS. In fact, I’d bet he’s never gotten over it ... just tamped it down and tried to forget about it.
> 
> ...


I have posted about the “rest of the story” many times here. Should I actually post my entire history every time I post? 

How is this MORE? How? Because he had a total number but didn’t know a name before? That isn’t more. 

And I don’t know why I am defending myself to you but I am the best thing that ever happened to this drunk abusive cheater in his life. I am the one the ignored the red flags. I am wife number three - he has cheated on all of us. I guess that is my fault too.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Divorce. d I v o r c e 

This is too much. So he abuses you with cheating, then this... nah, not worth it. File, it's time.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Perhaps just sit down and write out a list of everything you've done sexually with anyone, he can choose to read it or not. Just for the sake of historical honestly. Tell him you will take a polygraph if he does.
> 
> Ask him to do the same.
> 
> ...


We live in the same school district that we grew up in. I moved back specifically for the school system for my special needs child. It is small town and many people we grew up with either moved back or never left. So yes, we still live near some people from the past. And I won’t move. 

The virginity guy cheated on me in a dramatic and public fashion as well. I hate him and don’t know where he is, but I don’t think he lives here. One-legged man does live here I believe but neither of us have seen him on over 20 years. 

When I cheated on him in HS he dumped me (as he should) for the ugliest girl in our class. She was a class officer and made a slide for awards night that said “Award for Biggest ***** - Bluesclues”. That wasn’t humiliating. For years I get to see her every week because our kids play sports together. And I sucked it up and approached her because I will be damned if I will let high school stuff rule my life. He was floored that I not only didn’t slap her, but befriended her. 

His affair. We did MC but stopped because she was awful. I think she did more harm than good. He had been seeing a therapist for his alcohol addiction issues prior to the affair but he was terrible too - on the drinking and the affair. His mother recommended someone and she was amazing. He went for 18 months. Maybe he needs to go back. I journaled and read. My previous IC had left the area and I honestly couldn’t afford to see one. Insurance doesn’t cover it and I was paying for my son to see someone too. But I felt with his progress and my reading and posting we were good.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

There are some words you cannot take easily back... if at all.

Being told one disgusts someone is anger unbridled and a glimpse into a cancerous resentment.

A mask slipped... I am truly sorry.

Your children are also aware... please think of their presence in any further open discussions.

So, continue to read the recommended book and think about how you are going to take your next step today... you are already on a difficult and painful path of understanding where you stand in his eyes. He already doesn't value your words, silence is best right now least you get sucked into more of this overflowing suffering.

It's hard to know where his mind is right now, but it feels like he is going into overdrive pretending you are the bad person to balance his past behaviors.

Only he can end this for him...

What you can end is allowing him to take your emotions and thrashing them so readily... time to accept the disappointment today has brought and go out for just you... a walk in a nice park and treat yourself to a nice dinner of your favorite food.

I know it sounds silly to do such a simple thing for yourself, but trust me when I say I understand the disappointment of living a lie in a marriage and the moment you begin to breathe freely in an environment of reduced conflict on your terms the more open your mind will be to understanding the turmoil around you.

Peace and loving kindness be with you as this day moves forward... .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I remember one time, I don't even remember the topic, but it was about some woman we knew, and my husband used the C word about her. Now, I don't have many boundaries with my husband, but when he said that I looked at him and said 'If I ever hear you utter that word again, I will immediately move out. I won't live with a man who can think that about a woman because it's evil, it's hatred, and it's unforgivable.' He never said it again. 

Not quite the same, but the point remains. Never in a million YEARS should you have tried to make this up to HIM. YOU should have had a similar boundary and told him 'if you EVER speak to me like that again, we are divorcing.'

In just one post, you showed me 5 different ways he is an abuser. But BECAUSE he's abusive, it makes sense that you've been conditioned to take on all blame and feel like it's YOU who has to make 'it' up to him. The book should help you understand. We can help with next steps, once you finish.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ohmygosh all of that was soooooo long ago. What a drama queen your husband is! And he has cheated on you, certainly more recently than the HS drama, gave you an infection, you gave him the gift of R . . . So why are you staying with this man? Please help me understand. You absolutely do NOT deserve this disrespect and abuse.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



TAMAT said:


> Perhaps just sit down and write out a list of everything you've done sexually with anyone, he can choose to read it or not. Just for the sake of historical honestly. Tell him you will take a polygraph if he does.
> 
> Ask him to do the same.
> 
> ...


Where they together, did they even know each other? What gives him the right to feel any of this. If you got to take a polygraph for what you did in high school before you knew the person you really REALLY married the wrong person. And a weak one at that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> ... I am the best thing that ever happened to this drunk abusive cheater in his life. I am the one the ignored the red flags. *I am wife number three - he has cheated on all of us*.


I apologize if I'm asking something to which you have already responded, but my question is, WHY do you stay? From what you're posting, it sounds like your husband is an alcoholic, he cheats, and he has a long history of cheating. Did you know he cheated on his previous wives before you married him?

Again, why are you staying with this man?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> > -Snip- He owes you a HUGE apology for saying such a nasty, disrespectful thing to you. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/mad.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Mad" ></a> -snip-
> ...


Most reasonable people understand the difference between an upset poster venting HERE and someone saying things TO their spouse.

But congrats on finding a way to make it her fault. I knew someone would.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> So there is a “rest of the story”?
> 
> It would seem your H had quite a bit of difficulty dealing with the humiliation caused by your actions in HS. In fact, I’d bet he’s never gotten over it ... just tamped it down and tried to forget about it.
> 
> ...



Dingdingdung we have a winner!

Did you miss where HE had an affair (the real kind) and got an STDs that caused a micarraige??????


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> Perhaps just sit down and write out a list of everything you've done sexually with anyone, he can choose to read it or not. Just for the sake of historical honestly. Tell him you will take a polygraph if he does.
> 
> Ask him to do the same.
> 
> ...


Dont do this timeline. Historical honest is a crackpot idea from a dangerous cultlike philosoohy.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Leave him. He is a loser.
I got raped last night by an old fwb.
These guys are not wired right in the head, unless you want a life of hell with a man child with emotional issues. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Dingdingdung we have a winner!
> 
> Did you miss where HE had an affair (the real kind) and got an STDs that caused a micarraige??????


I didn’t miss anything, I think they BOTH chose poorly. Both apparently had the info to know the other wasn’t marriage material, but ignored all the red flags waving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

xMadame, I am so sorry. Have you filed a report with the police? I hope you do.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



xMadame said:


> Leave him. He is a loser.
> I got raped last night by an old fwb.
> These guys are not wired right in the head, unless you want a life of hell with a man child with emotional issues.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. File a police report and do a rape kit immediately.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

@Bluesclues

Is he having some midlife crisis of some sort?

Not making excuses for him, because his behavior is completely unacceptable.

You need to get you and your kids to a safe place immediately.

Sorry to hear all this.

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Are any of these kids his?

And by that I man do you share kids?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why is someone with an alcohol problem having a few drinks (and especially if it makes him mean)?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

So cheating on wives as adult and being stupid in JUNIOR HIGH are the same?
Wow, you experience really damaged you didnt it?
You do realize that is not a normal equation to make, right?


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



minimalME said:


> I'd come hug you, if I could.
> 
> I'm so sorry you're going through this.
> 
> ...





She says that SHE's been abusive in the past.


This what she wrote: "*No, not from an abusive family. I do have an issue with trying to make things better because I have been abusive in the past. I was a terrible person and I guess it is penance for my past actions.*"


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



ILoveSparkles said:


> She says that SHE's been abusive in the past.
> 
> 
> This what she wrote: "*No, not from an abusive family. I do have an issue with trying to make things better because I have been abusive in the past. I was a terrible person and I guess it is penance for my past actions.*"


Yes, I read all the posts, and my reading comprehension is excellent.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> So cheating on wives as adult and being stupid in JUNIOR HIGH are the same?
> Wow, you experience really damaged you didnt it?
> You do realize that is not a normal equation to make, right?





Person of Interest - you may want to double check whose quote you responded to. xMadame was raped last night so I hope you quoted the wrong person.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

ILoveSparkles said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > So cheating on wives as adult and being stupid in JUNIOR HIGH are the same?
> ...


Thank you! I did NOT mean to quote xMadame! I meant the person who actually thinks being immature in junior high is the same as cheating on your wife.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> Thank you! I did NOT mean to quote xMadame! I meant the person who actually thinks being immature in junior high is the same as cheating on your wife.





I figured. I just didn't want you to be bashed by someone who might read differently.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*

This makes no sense to me other than him being a sulky, petulant baby. He may have been drunk but that does not explain the continued silent treatment.

You know what gets me the most about it? The fact that a person you had sex with before you were with your H having only one leg somehow makes you a *****. Or at least a bigger *****. WTH? Is this man you had sex with not a legitimate human because he lost a leg? And any woman he's with is some kind of ****ty freak? SORRY, but that REALLY bothered me.

Not sure what to advise - I think I'd do like someone else suggested and just ignore his sulking and cheerfully go about your business and completely ignore him. Definitely do NOT apologize for you have done NOTHING wrong.

When he comes back around, and starts talking and acting normal again, I would let him know that the silent treatment NEVER happens again or you are out of there. Getting upset and needing to step away a bit to regroup is one thing. Deliberately withholding access to yourself is another. Being with someone like that is NOT being in a "relationship" it is not a "marriage."

Has he done the silent treatment before?

If you find out why he was so upset I'm curious to know!

I would not give him your "sorry not sorry" sarcastic commentary (though it is tempting) but I definitely would not apologize in the slightest, it's not like you have misled him about your past.







Bluesclues said:


> Last night we were having a good time just chatting over a few drinks. The subject of this haunted apartment I used to live in came up and how it was so strange that three guys had the exact same creepy thing happen. He asked me to remind him who, so I told him. One of the guys being someone we went to school with that was a year behind us. He asked me if I slept with the guy and I said yes. This kid had been in an accident after graduation and lost a leg, so next he asked me if it was when he had a real or fake leg and I answered fake.
> 
> He goes “Jesus Christ how much of a ****ing ***** were you?” Wow, okay. So obviously I am upset by that and I don’t want to fight so I go up to bed. He came up, started to get in bed and apparently changed his mind, because he left and slept on the couch. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since I got up and I haven’t said a word to him. And now he just got in his car and left. We are supposed to be going out to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today. Guess not.
> 
> ...


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> Last night we were having a good time just chatting over a few drinks. The subject of this haunted apartment I used to live in came up and how it was so strange that three guys had the exact same creepy thing happen. He asked me to remind him who, so I told him. One of the guys being someone we went to school with that was a year behind us. He asked me if I slept with the guy and I said yes. This kid had been in an accident after graduation and lost a leg, so next he asked me if it was when he had a real or fake leg and I answered fake.
> 
> He goes “Jesus Christ how much of a ****ing ***** were you?” Wow, okay. So obviously I am upset by that and I don’t want to fight so I go up to bed. He came up, started to get in bed and apparently changed his mind, because he left and slept on the couch. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since I got up and I haven’t said a word to him. And now he just got in his car and left. We are supposed to be going out to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today. Guess not.
> 
> ...


Seriously! Your child of a husband needs to grow the **** up and stop dumping his self-esteem issues on you! Call your friend and take a night off and go celebrate with someone who gives a ****. Has he always been like this or is this a one-off? He has cheated on your before, how much heavy lifting has he done to make things better?
Something is off here, and to call you names, that is completely out of order, don't let this one go. I think you have been keeping the peace too long, maybe it is time to consider getting yourself a new life and dumping his ass. Time for the 180 for yourself, start living your life as if he don't matter, you are only married for 7 years, what will the level of disrespect be after 17 or 27 years?
He also may be cheating on you again, any signs? He may be using this as an excuse to get angry at you cause he is feeling guilty, it does not make sense.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blueclues,

When you married this man, didn't you ask questions about his previous marriages? Surely there were red flags with his drinking/ Alcoholics come with a whole set of other problems, they will use foul language, use you, abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you and cross every single boundary they can. 

He must go to AA and you must go to Al Anon to get past the abusiveness. Was he drinking when he talked to you like that? My husband has said terrible things to me when he was drinking, there was no point in fighting about it in the moment, and he would deny he ever said it when sober. Best thing to do is record him and play it back when he is sober, let him be faced with the reality of his own behaviour, stop covering for him and accepting this ****ty behavior. Set boundaries.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> Full disclosure. We were each other’s first BF/GF in junior high. *I broke up with him to date a senior that I lost my virginity too *. The guy was an ass and taunted him about it. He carried a torch for me and we got back together our senior year and I was his first. And I proceeded to cheat on him in a very dramatic and public way. It wasn’t pretty. When we reconnected that was a big topic of discussion on the whys, what has changed in me to prevent it happening again.



It sounds like he may have a lot of unresolved issues about this (as do you, about the miscarriage) and the proceeding cheating on him.
It’s no excuse to cheat back but it’s a hard thing to get over, even if it happened a long time ago. You would probably benefit from MC and I would stay away posting about this on forums. Good luck.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Leave him. He is a loser.
> I got raped last night by an old fwb.
> These guys are not wired right in the head, unless you want a life of hell with a man child with emotional issues.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry. I hope you are okay.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Bluesclues how things this morning? Any better?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> And I don’t know why I am defending myself to you but I am the best thing that ever happened to *this drunk abusive cheater in his life*. I am the one the ignored the red flags. I am wife number three - he has cheated on all of us. I guess that is my fault too.


So read this little paragraph here and ask yourself WHY in the world you are with this man?? Stop trying to talk to him, that's what they want when they turn on the silent treatment. Just go about your life like he isn't there pouting and stomping his feet. No way in hell should you stay in this marriage, talk about toxic.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you get through the book, blues?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

aine said:


> Blueclues,
> 
> When you married this man, didn't you ask questions about his previous marriages? Surely there were red flags with his drinking/ Alcoholics come with a whole set of other problems, they will use foul language, use you, abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you and cross every single boundary they can.
> 
> He must go to AA and you must go to Al Anon to get past the abusiveness. Was he drinking when he talked to you like that? My husband has said terrible things to me when he was drinking, there was no point in fighting about it in the moment, and he would deny he ever said it when sober. Best thing to do is record him and play it back when he is sober, let him be faced with the reality of his own behaviour, stop covering for him and accepting this ****ty behavior. Set boundaries.


As it turns out, yes, he was already drunk when I got up at 8:30 yesterday. While I silently cried from noon until 5pm he was sleeping it off. He came down and started acting like nothing had happened, chatty and trying to show me funny things on FB. Nope, not happening. 

He said he realized how awful his behavior was but that it felt like a kick in the balls and a personal attack on him. He said he didn’t realize how much I hated myself back then. I reminded him we have talked about it hundreds of times. He said he guesses he wasn’t listening very well. I was exhausted and my eyes were so swollen I could barely see, let alone read the book, so I went to bed. 

One thing I realized yesterday that made me cry even more was that I have no friends I could call. When things were very very bad I closed off contact because I didn’t want anyone to know. When things were good he wanted to spend what little free time we had together. Classic abusive relationship stuff that I have ignored. His mother once asked me why I stay besides “I love him”. Because when he is good he is oh so good and until this weekend his changes seemed long term and real. 

It is sort of funny that I am supposed to be over something horrific he did 5 years ago, but something I did 28 years ago is unforgivable. I had a lot of therapy to figure out why I could hurt people - he was not the only one and that is what I meant by being abusive in the past. I would sabotage good relationships with good people and devalue myself more in the process. 

I knew all about his previous marriages and his “reasons” and of course it would be different for us. It was different alright, just worse, but I went in with my eyes wide shut. I hear “well what did you expect?” play in my head frequently. Some of these replies have all but said that I deserve it, maybe i did. He was not an alcoholic when we got together so I blamed myself for that too. 

I am an amazing wife and mother. Not good, amazing. He would be the first to sing my praises. And yet it isn’t good enough. Because I allow it. I still devalue myself, just in a different way. Instead of acting like a ***** I am a martyr taking on everyone else’s sins. 

Ten years almost to the day I have been dealing with infideity as a BS (first WH). Ten years I have been taking the blame and rationalizing it against what I did before. Ten years on boards telling other BS it is not their fault, but not having that same understanding for myself. I am tired.

Today he is sad and apologetic for what he said. Okay. It has been years since the last time and maybe it will be years until the next. But there will be a next time if something doesn’t change. I have today off and the kids have just left with their dad so I will read that book and digest and figure out how I can value me again. 

Thank you for the support. I probably won’t post on this again any time soon. Which sucks because at the moment here is all I have. Even though the negative posts were the minority, they roared the loudest. I know normally if a post hits a nerve I should focus on that. But not in this case. It is just more false blame. I thought I was being strong by taking everything on my own shoulders but I was being weak. I am actually pretty awesome and deserve respect from myself and others. Time to start. 

Thank you again.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



> It is sort of funny that I am supposed to be over something horrific he did 5 years ago, but something I did 28 years ago is unforgivable.


This is what every man of his ilk thinks. Some of them try to hide it behind alpha crap. But the bottom line is that the woman MUST be wrong and MUST be worse.

Because under all the bluster....they are very very small men.

There are plenty of men who are NOT like this, OP. Do not think that every man is like your husband.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



> Thank you for the support. I probably won’t post on this again any time soon. Which sucks because at the moment here is all I have. Even though the negative posts were the minority, they roared the loudest. I know normally if a post hits a nerve I should focus on that. But not in this case. It is just more false blame. I thought I was being strong by taking everything on my own shoulders but I was being weak. I am actually pretty awesome and deserve respect from myself and others. Time to start.


Go to a poster's profile, and then you can put them on ignore. I have ignored a few people here and there, and my mental health is so much better when I do.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> Today he is sad and apologetic for what he said. Okay. It has been years since the last time and maybe it will be years until the next. But there will be a next time if something doesn’t change. I have today off and the kids have just left with their dad so I will read that book and digest and figure out how I can value me again.


This is all good news. But what to do next, other than read the book? USE the fact that he is apologetic to make a CHANGE. Start setting some boundaries. You can start small and keep reinforcing the small ones. The easiest one, in my opinion:

"I do not deserve to be yelled at. If you raise your voice to me again, I will immediately leave the room."

You tell him that, now, while he's apologetic. It's informing him that you now (1) have a boundary (won't be yelled at) and (2) will enact a consequence if he chooses to cross that boundary (leaving the room). 

When it happens next - and if he's a morning drinker it surely will - you stop him (hold out your hand in the 'stop' signal) and you turn away and leave the room. 

Here's where it gets tricky and requires you to show some strength. If he follows you into the other room to yell some more, you say "I told you I wouldn't be yelled at again" and leave that room. If he follows you again, leave the house and go for a walk. Even if it's midnight. For at least 15 minutes. 

When you come back, if he tries to carry on, you grab your keys and purse and you drive away; stay away for an hour (if you have to take the kids, do so). 

If he again tries to argue/yell when you return, you grab some overnight things and you leave for the night - stay at a hotel or a friend's house or even in your car, if you have to. 

Do you see how this is escalating? Each time, a bit more time spent away from him; give him time to de-escalate and give you time to be FREE from the abuse.

If he still has to win the fight when you come home the next day, you leave for 2 days. Then 3. Then you just move out for a month. Figure out how, but DO it. You simply have to prove to him and you that you will no longer be his punching bag. Only you can do this. No one can do it for you.

Now, if you think he's going to be physically abusive, you need to pack a bag of necessities for you and the kids, and either keep it in your car trunk or keep it at a friend's or neighbor's house so you can get out of harm's way.

If nothing else, blues, practice this. You'll be amazed at the strength and peace it gives you to do this one small step. And it will embolden you to keep reaching for more.

I hope you won't leave here. There is SO much good advice to be given. I know how you feel; I've left another forum a couple times, when the heat got turned on (they expected me to make changes and I wasn't ready) and my feelings got hurt. But nobody will think poorly of you if you need a break but then come back; we'll just help you work on your problem of the day, ok?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What @turnera shared are great plans/responses... but to me if the drink is so unmindful it has to go.

Not decrease, not only when fun and happy times are there... it must be absent in your life with him.

This would be my boundary... what was said to you was worth removing all suffering connected to it.

Is drink his priority, or you?

This will not get better without change that does not waffle.

Sometimes leaving that which hurts you is the right answer... only you can decide when you are tired of being tired of it.

The people here do have your back even if it is hard to listen to at times, or even flat out the wrong thing for you at times too, but then it is easy to see the balance of what is an option and doable, and what is not.

How we are treated should never be an option for others, much less those we offer our love to.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You're starting the journey to improve your self, and hopefully your support network, and that's great. It's not going to happen overnight, but every book you read (even if you don't finish it), every video you watch etc to help you build on your knowledge about yourself will take you a little bit closer. I hope you keep this momentum now and don't give up. You have to be your own best friend right now.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> ... He said he realized how awful his behavior was but that it felt like a kick in the balls and a personal attack on him. He said he didn’t realize how much I hated myself back then....


I'm sorry but I am still really confused. I hope you will post again. What was a kick in the balls to him and a sign that you hated yourself? The fact that you were promiscuous when you were young? Or the fact that you had sex with someone with just one leg?




Bluesclues said:


> One thing I realized yesterday that made me cry even more was that I have no friends I could call. ... . Classic abusive relationship stuff that I have ignored. ...


You can start doing something about this now. Do you have any casual acquaintances that you could invite to lunch or happy hour or something? Do you have family - siblings, cousins, relatives you've drifted apart from who you could call to "catch up" with? Start doing it. If not, look for groups that interest you where you would meet people and just start getting involved in some things. The friendships will come. 
I was in the same boat as you friend wise a few years ago and I just said "screw it" - I'm not going to let my husbands silent displeasure stop me from seeing my family and friends. And I was amazed how many people were just thrilled I reached out to them. I'm kind of an introvert so when I think of asking someone to lunch I think who is going to want to do that? It's a chore for me, LOL. But I was shocked. LOTS of friendly people out there and family forgave prior neglect immediately. I just filed for divorce about 10 months ago and it was so helpful to have friends to talk to because otherwise you're just getting your H's point of view and it's going to be QUITE twisted in his favor.



Bluesclues said:


> Some of these replies have all but said that I deserve it, maybe i did. He was not an alcoholic when we got together so I blamed myself for that too.


You only deserve it if you let it keep happening once you are aware of what is going on and the role you are playing in it. Some people on the internet are jerks and some people are well meaning but come across very cold, probably just their writing style.

It is human nature to focus in on the 1 insult when there is mostly support. I have a youtube channel for my business where I do free tips and I have gotten THOUSANDS of "thank you you are so awesome" comments. THOUSANDS. I've gotten exactly 5 critical comments. However, I remember all 5 critical comments and could probably quote them to you verbatim. It's just human nature - that is why psychopaths and sociopaths can sometimes be so successful - because they are immune to self doubt. The rest of us have to work really hard to not let criticism totally take the wind out of our sails. I agree with rainbow pony person who said use the ignore button. It will improve your quality of life. Especially if you're feeling isolated with no friends. You need some support and you can get that here from people who really are concerned about you and can see your situation objectively.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. The good news is that it seems being treated badly is becoming intolerable to you, which means you will not continue to tolerate it. Which means it will stop, either by separating or better treatment on his part. Regardless, please do get some friends independent of him.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> *He isn’t speaking to me..*


You say that like it's a _bad_ thing.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> I just blame him for the miscarriage because I received an infection from him (from her). That probably isn’t fair for me to even write. Miscarriage is common and more common in older women like me (I was 41).


Game over.


This complete *POS* cheated on you while you were pregnant and had the friggen gall to INFECT his pregnant wife with an std/sti?


*Seriously?*


And you're crying because the low life POS won't talk to you or 'celebrate' your anniversary?


Why did you even stay with this loser after you saw how LOW he's willing to sink?


I don't get it. I don't. I just don't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt, I'm with you, but there are certain groups of people who don't do well with such brutal analysis, and abuse victims are right up there at the top of the list. They've already had their entire self-worth shattered by the time they come to a place like this, so questioning why they don't just wise up and get up and leave is, well, counterproductive. Just sayin'.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



turnera said:


> But he did.
> 
> That is who he is - a person capable of telling the person he 'loves' that she is a 'f*cking wh*re.
> 
> Please read the book I linked. You can read it today online.


Why are you staying when he has treated you worse than garbage?

His behavior is unforgivable. You should have been gone asap when he said that.

There a line one never crosses - and he crossed it.



Please learn about boundaries and what action anyone should take when that boundary is crossed.

He's been mistreating you because you keep allowing it. Stop allowing it!


File for divorce. Obtain a restraining order. You need help and protection from his venom!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*

Not trying to answer for her, but trying to provide insight into her thinking, from her profile, I added the bolded:

"Biography
I am 44 years old, biological mother of two, step mom to three (ages 5, 11, 11, 14, 22)

I am in my second marriage. First marriage my SAHD XH had an affair (dday with bartender 10/2008), we tried to R, I didn't cope well, sought out my HS sweetheart and had an exit A. Married to WH2 since 2011. This is his 3rd marriage. DDay with COW 12/2013. Affair resulted in STD that caused viable pregnancy to miscarry. 

*Our blended family of wee ones truly love each other, which gives me the strength to stay and fix this. I can't break another home for them. *That, and I love WH2 beyond words. WH2 is working hard (finally) and has a good IC that has helped him make a lot of progress. 

Not sure what to label myself - I identify mostly as a BS (x2), I am not an MH, but I was a WW. Lots of pain hats to wear at once."


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



turnera said:


> This is all good news. But what to do next, other than read the book? USE the fact that he is apologetic to make a CHANGE. Start setting some boundaries. You can start small and keep reinforcing the small ones. The easiest one, in my opinion:
> 
> "I do not deserve to be yelled at. If you raise your voice to me again, I will immediately leave the room."
> 
> ...


This is all well and good info - but seriously she needs to leave this abusive and manipulative guy.

Staying ONLY gives him further access to abuse her more.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> As it turns out, yes, he was already drunk when I got up at 8:30 yesterday. While I silently cried from noon until 5pm he was sleeping it off. He came down and started acting like nothing had happened, chatty and trying to show me funny things on FB. Nope, not happening.


He was already drunk at 830 in the morning??? Wow. :frown2:

I know your focus here was your husband's abusive namecalling, but I think the drinking is actually the more serious problem that needs to be addressed first. At a minimum, I guarantee it's making all your other problems even worse. 

Normal people don't drink like that. Even most alcoholics don't drink like that! My mother was a major alcoholic for most of her life, and destroyed just about everything she touched by drinking, and yet she never started on a drinking binge that early. 

I think he has a much more serious problem than you realize, and he also may have been more drunk than you realized the other night.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is he doing about his alcohol abuse?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Tell you this. If my wife did not initially speak with me, I would try to talk once, then again, and perhaps even a third. But after that, nothing. YOU SHOULD MAKE A POINT OF SAYING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HIM FOR ANY REASON. Do no laundry, no meals, nothing. You better work to teach he cannot treat you like this. If he was mad about something, sulk for one night and call it a day.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

The drinking is a problem, but not all of it. 

I think I compare it to his drinking before that was very very bad. Drinking at work, losing jobs, passing out in the middle of the living room and having to tell the kids daddy is napping. I had to cover for everything financially and emotionally and physically with the house and the kids. He went to detox twice. The last time he went he was sober for nine months. He got a really good job. Things were going great for us, no drama for once. That is when he had the affair, completely sober. Not that it matters, but he didn’t start cheating on a pregnant woman. I found out I was pregnant after it began. His reaction made being called a ***** feel like a compliment though. 

Anyway, dday was in December, failed MC, failed IC for him. I gave him divorce papers in July. With the help of his mom he found a new IC and she was amazing. Besides me, one of the the things they discussed was moderation not abstention. That actually seemed to work very well for him. When we went to our families for dinner he would have a glass of wine. If he heard about a fancy new craft brew he would bring home a six pack and we would try it. That has been a system that has worked well for us for four years. Except for two times. December two years ago we found out some disturbing news about his eldest child (they are estranged). He drank and went to sleep. When I say drank I mean he had four beers and went to bed. He called in sick to work the next day and slept all day. And “worked from home” the next two days and slept all day. I said enough and he dragged himself in the rest of the week. And then this. Once again he “worked from home” Monday and Tuesday and slept. He did go in to work today, just not as early as he usually does and with lots of complaints of not feeling well. 

He brought up the drinking last night. I am sure you guys have read this and thought “bull****, nobody gets that drunk on four beers”. Or in the case of this weekend, that drunk on five seltzers. I asked if he was drinking more, drinking something else and hiding it. BTDT in the bad days. And like he would tell me if he was. He said he was not, that in rehab they explained to him that it didn’t take less booze to get him drunk it was that he had done so much damage to his systems that it was his body’s way of shutting the party down before he did more. I found it interesting that it seems to be the level of negative emotion that shuts his body down, not alcohol content. Why would anyone with that history risk even having one drink? He liked feeling normal. And I allowed it because I liked feeling normal too. It was nice. Until it wasn’t. 

I don’t need to set boundaries on him yelling and following me. He doesn’t do that, he does the opposite. Attack and retreat. He would say or do whatever mean thing and then walk away and go to sleep. Like switching off a light. I would pursue and demand an explanation and basically act like a crazy person yelling at a corpse. Anyone walking in on this scene would think I was the abusive one. I didn’t do that this time, I just sat with it. When he said that Saturday night I just walked away and went to bed. When he escalated Sunday I just let him walk away. Crying the whole time and posting here of course. It was unsettling not to try to “fix it”. But it never worked before anyway. 

I am reading your advice. I tend to be emotional and reactive and I am trying to just step back and evaluate. I am not in any danger so I don’t need to make any decisions right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then pick a different boundary. Surely you'll been to Alanon by now, right? What do they tell you to do? My guess it would start with not participating with him when he drinks, especially at 8 in the morning. A good boundary to start with might be "If you get drunk before 6pm, I'm taking the kids and staying at someone else's house so they don't grow up watching you drink yourself to death. We'll be back the next day." Something that fits your situation. The point is to start making this toxic situation uncomfortable for him so that he has a reason to STOP and CHANGE. As long as you're along for the ride, he has no reason to change. Pick a boundary and start enforcing it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*

What's the reason you stay and take all his bull $hit/abuse?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> That is when he had the affair, completely sober. Not that it matters, but he didn’t start cheating on a pregnant woman. I found out I was pregnant after it began. His reaction made being called a ***** feel like a compliment though.


Oh, well that makes it _much_ better that he was willing to risk YOUR sexual health but not his unborn baby's. Come on. You need to stop the enabling and the excuse-making for this jerk.



> I gave him divorce papers in July.


That's the *smartest thing you ever did.* Why on earth you didn't follow through is a mystery for the ages, regardless of the supposed 'magic' you think some therapist worked on him. We all see how well that worked because you've *still* got yourself a drunken, socially stunted, emotionally retarded, abusive, hateful ass-hole shaming you, calling you atrocious names, humiliating you and who thought NOTHING of infecting you with an STD because he wanted to get himself something on the side. There isn't ONE positive thing about having this monster in your life. Not one.

How much longer are you going to continue clinging to this guy and desperately trying to win his approval while he treats you like something he dragged into the house on the bottom of his shoe?

Do you *honestly* think your life is better for having him in it?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

It sounds like deep down he's never really fully let go of what you did to him in high school and I guess his inner demons of detest for you have possibly won out. Maybe he loved the decent side of you but has never stopped hating the tramp side of you.

What was that you said about him killing your baby.......WHAT? Can you elaborate on that please?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I see projection on his part...

And as for the drinking? yeah, it's a problem but putting so many eggs into THAT basket is like making excuses for everything wrong in this relationship...

And for the sex with the one legged highschool nerd guy.....Maybe let the "Tube" do the 'splaining.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



hinterdir said:


> It sounds like deep down he's never really fully let go of what you did to him in high school and I guess his inner demons of detest for you have possibly won out. Maybe he loved the decent side of you but has never stopped hating the tramp side of you.
> 
> What was that you said about him killing your baby.......WHAT? Can you elaborate on that please?


Like I said, sad men of a certain ilk will always think this way.

"Tramp side"???? She was 14 freaking years old!

He chose to marry her anyway. HE cheated as an ADULT while married. He gave her an STD that caused a miscarraige.

I'm so sick of sad little men who focus on the woman's flaws....in this case, flaws she had when still basically a CHILD.

This crap is on him, not her. Period. End of story.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Bluesclues said:


> As it turns out, yes, he was already drunk when I got up at 8:30 yesterday. While I silently cried from noon until 5pm he was sleeping it off. He came down and started acting like nothing had happened, chatty and trying to show me funny things on FB. Nope, not happening.
> 
> He said he realized how awful his behavior was but that it felt like a kick in the balls and a personal attack on him. He said he didn’t realize how much I hated myself back then. I reminded him we have talked about it hundreds of times. He said he guesses he wasn’t listening very well. I was exhausted and my eyes were so swollen I could barely see, let alone read the book, so I went to bed.
> 
> ...


BC, you are making the mistake all we qualifiers make. That is to judge the A’s behaviour through the lens of a sober rational individual. You cannot do that. Please join the online SoberRecovery.com website and you will hear yourself in their stories. You may think you are an amazing mum, you are not. You and your kids are also sick due to his alcoholism, you cover for him, let go your relationships, probably do twice the work to make up for his behaviour with the kids, you are codependent.You and your family need help. Forget about him, take care of your side of the road first. You cannot change an A. Maybe if you leave him he’ll hit rock bottom and do something meanwhile you are being slowly destroyed. Mine has stopped drinking, the transformation is real but so is the damage. I look at him sometimes and think is he really worth a second chance. Please also go to Al Anon, it will open your eyes to what you are living in and help you make sense of everything and practical steps to move forward. Do not mull over this anymore, take action.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> Like I said, sad men of a certain ilk will always think this way.
> 
> "Tramp side"???? She was 14 freaking years old!
> 
> ...


Well Said.

Plus, he *married *her. Why did her do that if he was harboring resentment about the past? Here's a fun idea: Let's marry someone we're secretly mad at and then make both our lives miserable to get even.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> This crap is on him, not her. Period. End of story.


NO ... this crap is on BOTH of them. There were plenty of pre-M red flags waving on both sides to have warned off even the least self aware. Neither of these two have a history of making healthy relationship decisions. This is nothing more than a completely avoidable and easily predictable cluster**** that is just playing out in the way it was always meant to be.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



MyRevelation said:


> NO ... this crap is on BOTH of them. There were plenty of pre-M red flags waving on both sides to have warned off even the least self aware. Neither of these two have a history of making healthy relationship decisions. This is nothing more than a completely avoidable and easily predictable cluster**** that is just playing out in the way it was always meant to be.


So you see what a 14 year old does as the same as cheating on a spouse as an adult while married, and then contracting an STD that ends an unborn baby's life?

Seriously?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> So you see what a 14 year old does as the same as cheating on a spouse as an adult while married, and then contracting an STD that ends an unborn baby's life?
> 
> Seriously?


I see two emotionally immature people that shouldn't have ever M'd.

Does the fact that the screwed up decision making started as a teenager shock you? BTW, this isn't just a "one off" screw up by her (or him) ... its just part of a lifetime trend of bad relationship decisions.

You're just going out of your way (typical) to excuse whatever bad behaviors she did, by making his bad behaviors appear to be worse. In this case, there's plenty of screwedupedness to cover both parties.

Save your misandry for another story where there really is a mean old ogre taking advantage of an innocent snowflake ... this one isn't it!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug* I married at 21 because it was what society expected me to do, back in the stone ages. It never even occurred to me to question it. Nearly none of us has any sort of thinking that qualifies as wisdom for many, many years.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



MyRevelation said:


> I see two emotionally immature people that shouldn't have ever M'd.
> 
> Does the fact that the screwed up decision making started as a teenager shock you? BTW, this isn't just a "one off" screw up by her (or him) ... its just part of a lifetime trend of bad relationship decisions.
> 
> ...


A lifetime trend of bad relationship decisions? How many times has she been married? Wasn't he her main HS boyfriend?

I agree with you that this is on both of them, but the part that is on her is that she is accepting this in her life today. If she can't find a way to stop that, she is pretty obviously doomed to more of the same. 

I don't think observing that one human being is treating another like CRAP is "misandry" - unless that poster is constantly dissing men, but in this case the contempt for a person's behavior seems well placed and not gender motivated to me.

The OP obviously feels guilt and remorse for her bad behavior of the past. But letting people treat her badly now will not solve that. All she can do is make sure she is a good, solid person TODAY and move forward with her life. And that might be much more achievable with someone who does not have a history with her that dates back to her childhood.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> hinterdir said:
> 
> 
> > It sounds like deep down he's never really fully let go of what you did to him in high school and I guess his inner demons of detest for you have possibly won out. Maybe he loved the decent side of you but has never stopped hating the tramp side of you.
> ...


Yes, this. Really, she's a tramp because of **** that happened in junior high school when she was 14? 

Woooow.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



MyRevelation said:


> I see two emotionally immature people that shouldn't have ever M'd.
> 
> Does the fact that the screwed up decision making started as a teenager shock you? BTW, this isn't just a "one off" screw up by her (or him) ... its just part of a lifetime trend of bad relationship decisions.
> 
> ...


You're hilarious. If you knew me in real life and you read my posts on this forum as a whole, you'd know better than to throw the misandry tantrum.

So I take your non-answer deflection as a yes. A girl of 14 who breaks up with a boy to date someone else is exactly the same as a grown man who cheats on his wife, gives an STD, and causes her to miscarry.

Most men are NOT mean ogres. 99% of the men I know are very admirable.

But yeah, a man who equates an adolescent's dating behavior to a grown person's affair is grasping for any reason NOT to make a man be at fault.

That isn't misogyny; it's just sad.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



personofinterest said:


> So you see what a 14 year old does as the same as cheating on a spouse as an adult while married, and then contracting an STD that ends an unborn baby's life?
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously?




Probably stupid question...but...which STD can end a baby’s life?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



inmyprime said:


> Probably stupid question...but...which STD can end a baby’s life?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia can cause miscarriages or stillbirth.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



SunCMars said:


> Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia can cause miscarriages or stillbirth.



‘Can’ or does?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia can cause miscarriages or stillbirth.
> ...


Is this really the point?
He cheated WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT. The STD may have contributed to the muscarriage.

Isnt that bad enough?

I mean, not as bad as a 14 year old girl's dating mistakes, but hey...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



inmyprime said:


> Probably stupid question...but...which STD can end a baby’s life?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I just googled it...

Gonnoreah, HPV, and Chlamydia for sure. Realistically? Probably more of them because, per my understanding, the body will miscarry when things are "not right." So anything that could cause an inhospitable environment or strain on the mother in general, (like cause a fever?) could potentially increase the risk of miscarriage. I guess you would never know for sure if that caused it. The OP said he gave her "an infection" - everyone else has called it an STD. But she hasn't argued that description.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



inmyprime said:


> ‘Can’ or does?


Both, obviously. If it CAN, sometimes it DOES. 

Are you attempting to make a point with your question? If so, what is it?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



WorkingWife said:


> Both, obviously. If it CAN, sometimes it DOES.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you attempting to make a point with your question? If so, what is it?




No point. I’m curious myself because I have never heard or known anyone who had a miscarriage because of an STD or an infection.

I suggested they see an MC if she wants to fix this. I don’t think the bashing helps (and by saying that, I am NOT taking a side: I’m an adult with enough experience to know that there are always two sides of the story.
If I understood it correctly, the cheating wasn’t a one time thing but continuous:

“Full disclosure. We were each other’s first BF/GF in junior high. I broke up with him to date a senior that I lost my virginity too. The guy was an ass and taunted him about it. He carried a torch for me and we got back together our senior year and I was his first. And I proceeded to cheat on him in a very dramatic and public way. It wasn’t pretty. When we reconnected that was a big topic of discussion on the whys, what has changed in me to prevent it happening again.”

It’s obviously not the best basis to form a relationship on and there’s clearly a lot of blame coming from both sides and unless they resolve this, I don’t see how they can get the resentment under control.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



turnera said:


> I remember one time, I don't even remember the topic, but it was about some woman we knew, and my husband used the C word about her. Now, I don't have many boundaries with my husband, but when he said that I looked at him and said 'If I ever hear you utter that word again, I will immediately move out. I won't live with a man who can think that about a woman because it's evil, it's hatred, and it's unforgivable.' He never said it again.
> 
> Not quite the same, but the point remains. Never in a million YEARS should you have tried to make this up to HIM. YOU should have had a similar boundary and told him 'if you EVER speak to me like that again, we are divorcing.'
> 
> In just one post, you showed me 5 different ways he is an abuser. But BECAUSE he's abusive, it makes sense that you've been conditioned to take on all blame and feel like it's YOU who has to make 'it' up to him. The book should help you understand. We can help with next steps, once you finish.


Kudos for you and your refusal to allow the 'C' word to burst free from your husbands mouth.

The thing is.....


Men get called the 'D" word, the 'P' work all the time.
Is that OK?

If some men deserve the title {and some do}, then 'some' women earn the C grade on their own comportment and demeanor exams. 

Note: I rarely use this word. If I do it is mumbled under my breath, under cover, held in under duress.
I value words, women seem not to..... when applied to men.
...........................................................................................................................................................

I purposely and rarely use the word..... hate.
Admitting to having hate admits an ignorance of true causation.

It shows that the words, "Father forgive them, they know not what they do", goes sailing over one's head.
Knowing what one does, does include the reasoned ability 'not to' do harm to others.

I hate, I do. I hate being ignorant.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



inmyprime said:


> No point. I’m curious myself because I have never heard or known anyone who had a miscarriage because of an STD or an infection.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I had a miscarriage at 4 1/2 months from an infection. I had the 10 year IUD. It failed for whatever reason. The worst thing is not an unplanned pregnancy. THe worst thing is a "surprise" baby dying because of this evil thing. We were happy to welcome another baby into the family, even though unexpected, and the doc could not get the iud out safely. :crying:

HE told us our chances were (whatever %). 

Ultimately the baby died because of an infection, but it was because of this iud.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

OP if I didn't say so already, I am very sorry to hear you miscarried your baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



SunCMars said:


> Kudos for you and your refusal to allow the 'C' word to burst free from your husbands mouth.
> 
> The thing is.....
> 
> ...


Sorry, but I don't know what D and P stand for.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



turnera said:


> Sorry, but I don't know what D and P stand for.


:grin2::grin2::grin2:

OK!

Think appendage, males sport them, females report them if they forget their place, get in their face.

Some D's and P's rise to the occasion others stoop to poop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you're saying that equating what people call a penis is an equivalent 'cuss word' as the C word? I'd have to respond, then, that you haven't been on the receiving end of the C word. It's almost never used just to call someone a jerk. Or even an 'easy' woman. It's used to show hatred, violence, wish for violence (think rape) against a female for, well, being a female. To most women, it's one step away from being assaulted and being hated just for being female.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > I remember one time, I don't even remember the topic, but it was about some woman we knew, and my husband used the C word about her. Now, I don't have many boundaries with my husband, but when he said that I looked at him and said 'If I ever hear you utter that word again, I will immediately move out. I won't live with a man who can think that about a woman because it's evil, it's hatred, and it's unforgivable.' He never said it again.
> ...


T/J. You can’t put C in the same stable as D or P. You just can’t. Those words have many uses and cross gender for usage. The C word is singular. ****, prick or on the female side, *****, can all be mean, funny or even loving, sexy-time words. All words buddies would call each other after having their balls busted, male or female. The male c-word **** or the female p-word ***** can be put downs or sex talk. “Show me your ****”. “Touch your *****”. ***** can be male or female and can also be sexy in the right context (not in my initial post obviously). **** is only used towards females and is only used for venom and abuse. Men use ****, prick and **** to describe their own anatomy. And women are encouraged to use those terms too. 99.8% of women do not use **** to describe their anatomy. And 97% of men do not use **** to describe female anatomy (at least not to women). I have never had a man use the word **** in regards to sex. Not once. And considering my husband believes I have had sex with every male between the ages of 40-57 in all five New England states, I believe I have a scientific sampling. 

Even MY husband has never called me a ****. All other names are like paintballs and **** is a nuke. There is no male equivalent.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



inmyprime said:


> No point. I’m curious myself because I have never heard or known anyone who had a miscarriage because of an STD or an infection.


I see. One of the really hard things here would be that you would never know if it caused it or not. But in medical stuff I don't think there is much where "does" is a certainty. Cancer can cause death. High blood pressure can cause stroke, etc. Of course if you had cancer or high blood pressure then died or had a stroke you'd probably know the disease caused it. But if you have an infection then have a miscarriage I'm not sure you'd ever know because women can miscarry for many reasons.



inmyprime said:


> I suggested they see an MC if she wants to fix this. I don’t think the bashing helps (and by saying that, I am NOT taking a side: I’m an adult with enough experience to know that there are always two sides of the story.
> If I understood it correctly, the cheating wasn’t a one time thing but continuous:
> 
> “Full disclosure. We were each other’s first BF/GF in junior high. I broke up with him to date a senior that I lost my virginity too. The guy was an ass and taunted him about it. He carried a torch for me and we got back together our senior year and I was his first. And I proceeded to cheat on him in a very dramatic and public way. It wasn’t pretty. When we reconnected that was a big topic of discussion on the whys, what has changed in me to prevent it happening again.”
> ...


Emphasis added by me.

Yeah, I think the first thing she needs to decide is if she WANTS to stay together. They have a lot of history and obviously have always been drawn to each other, and it's hard starting over. But honestly it might be much easier to find happiness with someone where you don't have that kind of history. I know I could overlook a love's youthful misdeeds much more easily if they were done to someone other than me.

It's possible neither of them ever will be able to truly forgive her for what she did then.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sometimes I 'allow' myself to be beaten.

Just don't count on it, ta' offen!

Sometimes my stepping in it is for the pre-****-ted reaction...

Ah, hah...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

All of this folderall over a word with suspicious etymology. The word doesn't mean jack-****. It only has the power that the listener gives it. Some people may consider being called a purple people-eater or trailer-park trash to be the ultimate insult.

If you have a partner who is calling you names, that is the problem! The name doesn't matter.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: He isn’t speaking to me*



Blondilocks said:


> All of this folderall over a word with suspicious etymology. The word doesn't mean jack-****. It only has the power that the listener gives it. Some people may consider being called a purple people-eater or trailer-park trash to be the ultimate insult.
> 
> If you have a partner who is calling you names, that is the problem! The name doesn't matter.


 This was pre-school stuff. 
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will NEVER hurt me." 
Those words may piss you off mightily but that reaction is all under your control ( I actually thought about spelling that wrong, but thought better of it).


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## Aasin (Oct 6, 2018)

I agree with the others. this relationship is going nowhere.


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