# The issue of children: Marriage dealbreaker?



## The Dark Knight (Mar 2, 2011)

Hello everyone, glad I found this forum as I have had a dilemma that has been really bothering me lately.

My wife and I are both about 30 years old. We've been married a couple of years.

My wife has always wanted children. I've been ambivalent about the issue. Sometimes I could see myself as a father, sometimes not. And as time passes, I think I am becoming more anti-children. 

The reason is financial/ worldview. My wife and I make ends meet, but we are hardly wealthy. I don't need a child of mine to be Richie Rich, but I would like to give him a upper-middle class upbringing. At this point, it seems like it might be difficult to even give a child the kind of socioeconomic upbringing my wife and I enjoyed, which would really bother me should I have a child. 

As for worldview, I just think the United States is on a downhill slope, and things will keep getting worse. I'm talking economically, socially, culturally, etc. I fear bringing a child into this world.

I think the financial consideration weighs heavier for me. For example, if I won the lottery tomorrow for $10 million, I'd want to have kids and hope they are twins! 

Also, even if our financial situations don't improve mightily in the future, I still would not mind adopting a child. The rationale for this would be that I would be taking in a person that's already on this earth. If I can do something to improve that child's life from what it might otherwise have been, that would give me great pleasure. Totally different, in my opinion, from bringing a life into the world.

So to summarize, I don't think I'd want a child of my own unless I win the lottery. But I wouldn't mind adopting a child in say 5-10 years when I feel a bit readier.

Now my wife is not constantly harassing me about the issue. But once in a while she'll make remarks like how her biological clock is ticking. Now I know she's also open to the idea of adopting, but she really wants a child of her own as well. In the past when we've sat down to really discuss the issue, my wife just says she'd be ok if I don't want children, but I can sense the deep disappointment she feels.

So now I am at the stage where I am wondering if such a big issue as having children can be compromised. I have even thought that maybe the right thing to do would be to get divorced so that my wife can marry someone more willing to have kids.

I have no other issues with my marriage. I love my wife, and I love the status quo with just the two of us. 

So... any advice?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I have even thought that maybe the right thing to do would be to get divorced so that my wife can marry someone more willing to have kids.


I would definitely not to this. Talk to her openly about this. If she says she is ok with not having kids, don't doubt that and think she actually wants something else.

You would probably be happy either way, but kids might not be a great idea if you don't want them.

You didn't really explain why this was such a big deal for you right now. This is an important issue, but its not as though your wife is pressing you hard for it.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Well, for me it was a deal breaker (before I had one) now, I could have more in the right situation, or no more... But what I am saying is that is me,

You have to ask her to take some time a figure out if it is a deal breaker


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I wouldn't divorce her over it unless she tells you that having kids is a dealbreaker, AND you firmly decide you don't want any. 

If she's told you she'd be ok if you didn't want kids, take her at her word until/unless she says otherwise. We women really hate it when we tell men something and you decide in your own mind that what we really meant was something else and then you do what you think is best for us based on your thought of what we really want. If she says she'd be ok, then believe that at this moment, she feels that way and that if that changes, she'll let you know.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I understand why some people want children, especially women. 

If you don't want children, but she wants children, it means that you guys don't have the same opinion about this issue. 

My husband and I reached an agreement not to have children, I think we benefit a lot from this decision. 

1: There are only two of us in the apartment, we can always be naked around each other, it gives us a lot of physical intimacy. 

2: Money, we save a lot of money without having children! If we had children, we would have to buy a bigger apartment, we would have to buy a car, plus money spending on children, I calculated, we save at least $1,000 a month. Our life style is much better without children in the picture. Children are very expensive, and for western culture, they don't give parents anything in return when they grow up, the most you get is their visit or their phone calls, what's the point of having children?

3: After people have children, their life is revolved around children, all they are doing, talking, and thinking is about their children, they lose themselves for their children.

4: This society is not a safe heaven for children anymore, you give yourself more anxiety and stress by having little ones. 

.....................................................................................

I can keep on counting good stuff for not having children, but most people still want children, it is human nature. If they want it, but they don't have it, they feel miserable.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not the kind of thing you can meet in the middle on... You either change your life by having kids, or you don't. It definitely CAN be a deal breaker, and whoever "loses" can be at a high risk for future resentments.

My first thought... Don't have kids unless you're sure. Once you have them, there's no going back, and any future marriage issues will just be that much more complicated because of them. There's also a "no return" policy on them. 

C


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Dude, you find a way to get by, its as simple as i can put it. We have 3 kids, and sure we don't have as much money to throw around compared to if we had none, but that's the sacrifice you make when you have kids. YOu are overanalyzing the state of mankind too deeply. People raised kids during World Wars, during famine, during the Great Depression... people find a way. If you are looking for the perfect circumstances to have a child, you are never going to have children. Your wife wants kids now, you are on the fence, this will become a problem soon, trust me on this. She's going about it diplomatically because she loves you. You wait a few more years and see how this goes, and gosh forbid you guys can't concieve right away, guess who will get the blame for that???


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You can't miss what you never had. If you feel this way don't have a kid. Once they're here it's for life.

If you love someone you don't mind spending the money, afterall you love them. I have 2 sons, and consider it a privledge and a blessing to have them in my life.


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