# How will leaving affect high schooler?



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I am considering the possibility of divorcing or separating from my wife. I have one child in college and a daughter in 10th grade.

Our marriage is not violent, abusive or anything like that. My wife and I just don't talk that much and pretty much just ignore each other.

I am worried about the effects of a divorce or separation on my daughter. What have others noticed about the impact on children this age, especially girls?

Thanks.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Have you tried counseling yet? If not, I suggest going to individual and couples counseling, before you decide to separate or divorce. It may help your situation. If you do go and things remain the same or worsen, then you'll have peace of mind that you did what you could (if you follow the counselors advice),to salvage the relationship.

My wife and I split up 1 year after going thru intense counseling. We've been separated over a year now, with the issues still unresolved. Our children (ages 16 & 18), understand that we've been through counseling and worked to reconcile but to no avail. They're at the point now, that they're asking us to get a divorce so we can move on with our lives.

I wish you the best in your decision, but think it through carefully, so they'll be no regrets, hopefully later on...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Hello...

We will be starting counseling soon. It will be the 2nd time in about 8 years. Honestly, I don't have much hope that anything will change and in fact, I am ready to move on.

But I agree with you - I will do it and make an effort if for no other reason that the children.

By the way, how is your 16 year old handling things?

Thanks for the reply.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My 16 year old son, has coped with the situation and has accepted it...and asks when are we going to make a decision to get a divorce. 

I have frank discussions with him, regarding his mother and I, without discussing all the lurid issues that he doesn't need to know. I bought the book called "Getting Back Together", in hopes it would help my wife and I reconcile. I explained what it said (and what I already knew), that unless the issues have been resolved, the reconciliation will be unsuccessful and the cycles will begin again. If changes aren't made during the separation, then they won't be made when you get back together...

My son understands the situation and is ready for us to move on, if we can't have a successful reconciliation.

I believe it's a good idea to have frank discussions with your teenage children, about why you're separating and/or getting a divorce, without revealing all the bad issues and slamming their mother or (father). I tell them I care for their mother very much, but theres alot of unresolved issues that counseling couldn't fix...it is what it is. 

He and I are very close and spend alot of time together. My daughter and I are close as well, but not as much as her mother and her. If you do separate or divorce, please continue remaining as active as possible in your children's lives. It will help them (and you) get through it.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Malibu is right, you could discuss divorce with your children, except the very details of your separation.. cause they don't need to know that.. and it's also important not to let your children feel that it's their fault why you're separating with their mom. And assure them that you and your wife loves them so much.. don't promise anything to them.. just be there for them and do everything to make their lives normal. 
I would like to share an article and you could add it as your reference: Important Issues to Consider about Children and Divorce
Good Luck.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

D8,

This is not at all an uncommon situation, and one that most married couples do face at some point in their marriage.

the short and the long of it is that the two of you have grown apart. This is the root of most of the people's problems that find this site.

I think with a little bit of effort, you can have your marriage back on track in rather short order. All you have to do is to understand how it got to the point it is at today.

Check out http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/4557-marriage-handbook.html. You might find that the answer is not as far off as you might have thought.

Good luck!

~Moog


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