# Thinking about having affair



## karilynn

I've searched everywhere on this site for this topic and don't see it. My hubby and I are having multiple issues. He is a classic "toxic" personality..... in other words, if you look at the movie "grumpy old men" it portrays him...always complaining, very negative, nothing anyone does is good enough, argues with everyone, has nothing good to say about anyone, very anal, worries about little things...... I thought I could ignore the behaviors and just live life. I am at the point where I feel like I hate him. We've only been married 1.5 years. I am seriously contemplating divorce but always think people are really stupid who stay married for such a short time. (My first marriage lasted 18 years - this is the 2nd). I am contemplating just living a double life and finding someone else for happiness but I know that I probably can not handle the guilt......I don't know what to do!!! This is just killing me! Any suggestions?


----------



## karilynn

Well after much deep thought and consideration - I have answered my own question. Yes, my marriage is in deep trouble right now and I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I can not handle the guilt and it would only complicate matters. one day at a time for now.....


----------



## bestplayer

karilynn said:


> Well after much deep thought and consideration - I have answered my own question. Yes, my marriage is in deep trouble right now and I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I can not handle the guilt and it would only complicate matters. one day at a time for now.....


how about trying counselling ? It does sound like an issue that u can't just ignore , u shouldn't continue living in such a negative atmosphere without fixing it .
Best of luck


----------



## michzz

So you married him because?

BTW, you might consider moving this thread to a different part of this forum.


----------



## karilynn

Yes thanks. You are right, I am new here and didn't see another area until later...........anyway -


----------



## karilynn

I may go to counseling - been there..... done that..... before. Sometimes I think it just puts off the inevitable!


----------



## swedish

Is he aware how unhappy you are within the marriage? Sometimes a wake-up call triggers some self-examination and change. I would at least make him aware that you are seriously thinking of leaving & see if that triggers any change....it will be a matter of him stepping up and whether it is too little too late for you but worth a try.


----------



## momof6girls

this was in an odd area... but remember why you married him and why after such a long marriage would you think silly for people not to be married long... if you are looking at cheating in some way then you left already. why as you say put it off or prolong the inevitable.

seems like you want to be told it is ok to leave him or it is ok to cheat.... i look at this way put yourself in his shoes would you want to know upfront the issues or behind the back where things may come out anyway.


----------



## turnera

Have you told him how you feel about him and that you're considering leaving him?


----------



## karilynn

I do apologize for the wrong area - I'm new and I guess started here because this is where the bulk of our problems started - "step kid issues". I have not told him I am thinking of leaving.....I told him that I need some time to sort all of this out. It has been an extremely stressful past few months, personally and professionally, and I would not do anything rash for the sake of everyone involved. 
I married him mostly because we are friends, we also had a baby together (unexpected) and I believed that the desire to be a family would outweigh any type of chaos that would occur. I knew when we got married that he was very negative but figured I could ignore it and go on with my own life. I became an expert at detaching from my first husband - he was a violent alcoholic and hooked on internet porn....(long story not going there)......so I figured I could handle anything. 
Yes, you are all right - the affair thing is probably more a wishful thinking on my part - I just want to go somewhere mentally that feels good.......I could not live with myself and cheat. I was raised Catholic and don't believe in cheating - I know it is destructive.......I would never want to hurt him that way.
But the bottom line is, I am hurting extremely severely. I don't know how to fix it, I don't think it can be fixed. I cannot bear the thought of going through another divorce but I will if I have too......
I talked to him this morning and asked him to just give me time to sort all this out. In addition to the marital strife, my oldest daughter is leaving for the Army next week and I am under extreme pressure at work. I know that this is not the time to make a lifelong change or decision.
Thank you all so much for being here! You don't know how much this site has helped me just in the past week. I am extremely grateful!!!!


----------



## prestonspinay

Don't do it, take it from me. Cheating isn't the answer it only makes it worse. Ontop of the negative attitude he has he'll be worst making your cheating a excuse for his behavior. If your unhappy talk to him, if he doesn't want to hear you out then seek help such as counseling or even a pastor. Get bias opinion so this way your options are accounted for both ends. Good luck, trust me if your feeling a bit of guilt now of just thinking of doing, imagine when you do it.


----------



## lisakifttherapy

As much as it seems to you like an affair might be a reasonable answer - I encourage you to think about what additional stress that could ultimately bring to you in the end. When I work with couples around the issues of infidelity, in most cases there are disconnects or unchecked resentment that leads to this behavior - and never gets dealt with in a better way. Often times they really love each other but their lack of communication derails the possiblity that there may have been another option.

My advice to you would be to give you husband the chance to correct this behavior. Tell him that you love him but explain how his behavior makes you feel. Be clear that this is a very serious matter and you are unhappy. Hopefully he will be open to looking at how to change the situation - couples counseling might be a good idea to help with this.

If he's not open to change, then you might have another decision to consider around why you'd stay with someone who totally disregards your feelings in this way - and isn't committed enough to working on the marriage.


----------



## momof6girls

if you are thinking about cheating then you already may of left a bit in your mind... in marriage we have to give and take on both sides and when you start to see the darker side more than that is what you will stress on.

cheating never a good end ever... and remember if you do find that man that you may have a life with and you used him as the cheated (one you cheated with your hubby with) than what faith will he have that you will not one day do it to him..

not a good way to start a relationship...


----------



## karilynn

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Thanks Lisa because once I read your message - I realized that you are probably right. I have so many resentments built up that I can't feel anything but anger and hurt and I just want to escape at whatever cost. I will sit down with my hubby this week and discuss all of this and take it from there.........I know having an affair would be detrimental not only to him, but also to me.


----------



## turnera

How did things go?


----------



## karilynn

It didn't. I keep waiting for the "right" time to talk to him. I keep putting it off.......I don't want to hurt his feelings - there's just a lot to this regarding his treatment of my daughter (his step daughter), the way he acts, and other issues. I know I have to sit down and talk to him. I'll do it soon..........because this is all absolutely killing me by keeping it inside..


----------



## turnera

Are you sure it's that you don't want to hurt HIS feelings? Are you sure you're not avoiding unpleasantness aimed at yourself? No harm there, it's human nature, we all do it. I just want you to be handling this with a logical mindset. You want a good marriage...or not. He needs to know what you're thinking.

My H is toxic, and over the years I learned to avoid any negative talk with him, because I always ended up in tears and feeling like death warmed over. I wanted to leave him. But a wise person told me that I OWED him the truth before I just up and left...so that he could make his own decision on whether or not to fight for me and the marriage. That, by NOT telling him the truth on how I felt, I was ROBBING him of his free will in the matter...and all to avoid unpleasantness for ME. 

Oddly enough, I finally told my H I was ready to walk, and he did a complete 180, and we are better off than ever. 

lol, I should have done it 10 years earlier.

Give him the opportunity to act, one way or the other.


----------



## karilynn

Yes thank you for that. I do hate chaos of any kind - I like things to be smooth sailing. I cannot deal with confrontation - although I have learned how to do it at work - but its extremely difficult on a personal level. 
I agree with you that its not fair to just walk away - I will talk to him soon , I will promise myself that...............soon.............maybe I'll write in a letter form, thats easier for me to do, and read it to him............that may be better. I just want things to go back to when they were good!!!!!!


----------

