# Questioning my decisions



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

ok so I had thought that my decision to move away from here and by family was a good one...a positive one for me and the boys. My stbxh has made very little to no noise about even seeing our son...is offering no support...has done nothing but make things harder by being so mean and cruel in his responses to me and when I don't get that I get ignored like 3 months ago we weren't a family at all....like we aren't just 10 mins from him....like we never were....
After talking to another of my sisters last night I am questioning if I am rushing this decision though. I am planning to move 10 hours away...another state....far enough that if my stbx should get his head out of his butt that it would be very hard for him to have any relationship with our son. That was one of the points this sister pointed out....what about in the future when my stbx says something of the like to our son...that your mother moved your so far away I couldnt see you etc....
Then she started asking "what if you and "our other sister" find it hard to live together and you're stuck there...you wont be able to just pick up and come back....its a smaller city like where you're at...what if you can't find a job...it goes on
So while I thought I was decided and good with my decision now I'm unsure and scared and unsettled again. Argh....a part of me thinks she is just upset that I didn't choose to move by her....I get along the best with her but I dont like the area she lives in much though its a lot closer....3 hours instead of 10...
I just don't know anymore....am I doing this just to 'run' away from the hurt and will I regret it after a few months? Is it even my job to worry about my stbx and if I'm making it more difficult for him to see our son when he hasen't even tried for 3 months? 
I could use some honest perspectives about this...I'm just not as sure as I was two days ago....


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

What do YOU want,Melissa? Where do YOU want to live?


This is it. This is the time in your life when you get to decide. Your ex has decided not to have a relationship with his child. In my opinion, you should not feel obligated to stay there in "hopes" that your ex will one day wake up and decide to be a father.

I know it is hard..I can tell that you are one of those people who is caring and wants to think that ultimately the people in your life will step up the "do the right thing". However, you can't count on that. Step back, and really look at the actions of your ex. Really look that his past behavior. Really. 

You have a tough decision to make. Is there anyway you can see a counselor to talk about this? I know that my counselor helps me to sort though my feelings and that facts when faced with major decisions like this.

Personally, I don't think it is your job to worry about your ex. No. Not at all. I think that you are at a crossroads, though. Will you choose to hold out and "hope" that your ex become a decent human being "someday" or will you choose your own path and build a life for your family somewhere where you actually have support.

I am 16 hours away from my family. I don't have the option of moving closer to them because my ex won't allow it. However, I would loooove to have the support of my family. I don't have anyone to rely on here if I need a babysitter. I don't have anyone to share my son's milestones with. No one was here with me when my son took his first steps or said his first word. I was completely alone, and I soooo wish that I could move closer to my family so that I would have people I could rely on and share my life with.


This is hard, and I know it is probably hard for you to figure out what YOU want--it seems like you have spent most of your life taking care of others and doing that they want.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you other than to pray on it and give yourself as much time as you need. If you are questioning it only because of "what if's", remember "what if's" are infinite. Live in the day, not 10 years from now. If you worry about those things, you are missing out on the moments we all really need to worry about. The now.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

jpr and Traggy thank you for your responses. I really sat back and thought hard and realized that my doubt came from one of my sisters feeling bad that I hadn't wanted to move by her instead and she was honest enough to call me the next day and tell me so...that her worries might of been more selfish then anything. I have to say it feels good to feel so wanted instead of disregarded like yesterdays trash as my stbx did! I love my sisters and if I could I'd be by them both but for what I'm looking for for myself and my boys I know in my heart I'm making the right decision moving to Carson City. And everything is falling in place so easily...selling my things, finding the right Drs and such up there to transfer to, everything....so makes me feel its the right time. I'm going forward and not going to worry about my stbx's relationship with the boys....if he wants one he'll make it happen. I'm not going to worry about the 'what ifs' I'm just going to let go and trust...ha...not the easiest thing for me but I'm going to try really hard!  And the best thing is I get to take all of you with me so I'll have some "friends" already in place to root me on


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey Melissa I agree with jpr- its about you and what you want. You cant depend on him waking up. I know how you feel since my stbxh now keeps talking about moving to vegas to live with his mom ( 4 hrs plane ride from us) when his money runs out, i dont care that he would move away from me but my son, that just hurts. He would only get to see him like once or twice a year. Just like you i need to come to the realization that this is his choice and his son and if thats the relationship he wants with his son then its his loss. I know its easy to say and hard to believe, im having a hard time convincing myself of it as well. Isnt it sad that they can just walk or ( or think about walking away) from their children, I could never put that thought in my head. I just dont understand it


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I'm sorry unsure...I know how hard it is as a mom to even comprehend thinking about leaving your child much less actually acting on it. I know from past experience with my first H and my older boys that I can't 'fix' their relationship or make it what it isn't. That works both ways though because I know the hurt in my older boys and I don't want that for Dylan...so I guess its harder to accept and not try to make my stbx wake up and see what he's doing. But I can't stay hoping he'll change his mind....just like you can't try and help/fix your stbx hoping he'll stay and be a good dad to your son. Hugs....how are you doing btw...I know your d-day is coming up this week right? Thinking about you


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Melissa and Unsure I feel your pain. My STBXH elected to move to another state to be with the OW and said he'd see our daughters "when he can" So, I kind of think there wont' be much contact, maybe a text or two but that's it. I cant ever imagine that type of limited involvement in my children's lives. Like unsure said, this is his decision and all we can do is be there for our kids. He will miss so much and one day he will regret his choice-not because of me but because of them. Stay strong.


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