# Could i be depressed or am I in a rut and dont know how to get out of it?



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hello to all, I am wondering now if I may have a depression issue? 
I just do not want to go to the doctor and say I think I may be depressed when I am not. I find it hard to belive some doctors because I feel if I mention this, I will be just another perscription/monthly payment for them to recieve when I may not have a depression issue but may just be in a rut and just need to talk to someone to get out of it....
My wife is on anit-depressants and so far i really have not noticed much of a difference besides her yawning 24/7 and sleeping alot. She is going to ask if she needs to go to a higher dose but has not as of yet and doubt she will. lol
I feel I am depressed because for some reason when i am at work all i want to do is be with them and usually when i am at work i have so much energy due to coffee. Once i leave work i am fine but once i take my train ride home and i get off the train i feel like i do not want to do anything and sorta crabby. But then i feel horrible because my kids go to bed around 8:30 latest 9, when this happens i feel bad cause i did not do much with them. I only have 2.5 to 3 hours with them and i cannot do it. I want to get out of this rut but have no clue how to.... Anyone out there been in this situation before? How do I get out of it?

My two girls are 8 and 4 years old. I feel like I am not so good of a father to them. I feel like i have missed out on so much with them. I know there still little but when i look back over the years I cannot explain it. It is sorta like self hatred or anger towards myself for not doing more with them. 
I always told myself growing up that I did not really want to have regrets. I did not want to be 50 years old and kicking myself, saying why did I not do it different and keep myself in a rut like that. 
The reason i say this is because my parents were not there for me. My dad is a really smart guy and for some reason when i was a little boy he had thought since he is so smart, I was too. 
Which was not the case. My mother was too busy with my little sister so most of the time I just had my friends. Growing up that is all I thought anyone needed. Well, there not really here no more now... My parents never helped me with school, never told me about college, never talked to me about a career and my high school conselour was a joke, never once touched on what i wanted to do with my future. Of course now i see all this and i feel i missed my chance. 
I told myself I would never be like that to my kids, alas here I am though, having regrets and turning into my parents :O(


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So change things!


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I was asking if it seems if i may be depressed or just in a rut? 

I do not understand why, when i am at work i have a cup of coffee and my day goes great. When i get to my train ride home, i still am fine. When i get off the train that is when i feel drained, burnt out, crabby. (its only a 25 minute ride)

I have a cup in the morning and one cup of coffee before i leave work. I even take a 15 minute power nap if not longer on my lunch everyday. The cups of coffee i drink are not that strong nor do i put more then one sugar and creamer. 

I do not feel depressed but wonder if it may be that or if i have to change my routine... My wife is on anti-depressants and i have not seen much of a change as i thought i was going to see in her. I see no increase of energy, if anything she sleeps alot more. I do not want that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the best solution for EITHER situation is exercise. It sounds more like you have no metabolism any more. You can fix that by exercising.

And the way you're thinking doesn't sound like depression so much as nothing to look forward to (a rut). So change that. YOU have control over what you do. Change the whole family's routine. If you go out to eat once a week, go someplace you've never been before. If you watch tv every night, turn it off and pull out a board game or a puzzle. If wife helps with homework every night, switch out with her - your kids need your input there anyway.

Tons of things you can do to look forward to going home, and enjoy once you're there.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

I see what you mean turnera. 

Though what I am talking about is just starting up with me right now as we speak. I just noticed the time, I got up to get my 2nd cup of coffee. As i get up I think about going home and for some reason I am in a bad mood. 

Now I am not too happy with the wife on how progress is being made with us. She just seems like she is half assing everything. I tell her lets fix things, i will no longer be an ahole. 
Things seem like there gonna get somewhere. But then when i try to get farther she gives me attitude. I feel she doesnt care, i feel she has given up. I feel this may be the reason i am in a bad mood now. Maybe i feel that this is as good as it will be and i am not happy with it.
I know you guys will say something about time and patience but dammit i want results.
I am tired of getting my hopes up but then she will come back bitting my head off. 
The other night after the kids went to sleep she jumped on facebook, i turned and said thats it. she is like what? i said were not going to talk. Then she says oh geez here we go again, you and the talking. I said what is your problem? She tells me you just said you heard what you needed to hear. i said yeah but there are things to talk about like what you expect, what will not work what will work, things that i can change to make you feel close to me again or do. ect.. ect.. 
Now last night i was trying to be nice to her, i offered a massage to her and got totally rejected. i said i am trying to be nice to you, she says why dont you get it when i say no it means no.... I turned and said you know what fine then. but yet the night or two before this she kept bothering me to massage her and i was in the middle of doing are taxes, so i said not now i am too busy. lol
This morning i said nothing to her and still have not. I get texted a while ago with her saying a family member is dying on her side. i said sorry to hear that i am here for you. she says thanks.... 
I feel better now i vented but i do not want to be an ass but yet i am not settling for this little half ass try from her. If she cannot get back anything for me then why not just say it!!!!! 
She tells me no it will work but she doesnt do anything... I also feel that i cannot get now where with my kids because i worry to much of me and the wife. I feel i cannot go forward till me and her are fixed. we cannot do the counciling thing were to strapped for cash. God help me tonight


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## Nobody (Apr 12, 2009)

Tony, I've read most of your previous posts, if not all... how long have you been sober now?

1st - to answer the question in your title, IMHO I think it's neither.

I agree with turnera - CHANGE THINGS! Get off your a$$ and *DO* something! Only YOU can do this.

ACTION! It speaks louder than words ever will!

I can understand the crabby feeling you get when on your way home... why should you be excited and enthusiatic when you know that's not what you'll be met with when you get there?

I know it's been suggested to you in previous posts - you need to give your wife time to adjust to the 'New You' - she needs to know that this IS the new you, you will not revert back to the same drunken SOB and you can _only_ do that thru ACTION. *Consistently!*

I'll venture to guess that she doesn't open up and talk to you about much more than the weather because _she doesn't feel safe to do so_, yet. She needs to be able to TRUST you again, it will NOT happen over night. Not even close.

STOP _trying_ to be nice to her & just be! STOP asking her what she expects. Maybe she's wise to the fact that having expectations (of someone else) is only a future resentment.

YOU need to learn patience... to use consistent ACTIONS to show her you've changed... that you will NOT *betray* her again. Yes, that IS what alcohol does.

And FYI - _you_ DON'T get the call the shots on when "she's ready" to accept, forgive & move on.



MY H has been 'sober' for a little over 2 years now and I like him no better today than I did then nor am I any happier. So believe me, you will only push her away trying to do this _your_ way & on _your_ terms.

Much luck to you & your family!


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Thanks guys for listing to me. It has been 6 months and 9 days since i have been sober now.

Sometimes i feel i just bottle stuff up and maybe i make it sound worse then it is but i just hate bottling up things.

Not only that, you made a good point, i would like to point out.... Actions do speak louder then words. That is exactly what is wrong with her..... Its just words... I see what you guys mean to just stop being a rollercoaster myself which i am trying to do but like i had said before i am experiencing things that i have not in 8 years or more. I feel like a new puppy but eventually i will calm down.

I just saw a thread that stated "I love you but I am not in love with you" That is how it seems with me and my wife. She has told me the same exact thing. I ask her will you be able to feel the same about me? she says a couple different things, yes, i am sure i will, I hope. Then that is it, no actions.

I feel like what someone else mentioned, "she doesnt talk to me more then the weather and a couple other things" but nothing else. 
She has not even tried to google alcoholism to see what i am going through. Which is fine but I feel that is all i will get out of her is half ass'ing everything. 
Today I am going to stop my whinning and try things her way then. I am going to try to be romantic with her like i was when we dated. I will send an ecard this morning, i will call at noon and ask about her. I will tell her that when i get home i will help her cook dinner or clean. I will give her a nice massage during her favorite program tonight. I mean geez i can go on and on, i have no problem doing this stuff. the thing is i do not want her to expect it and not do anything in return. Maybe its just time for a new strategy


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Nobody, your last post at the end made alot of sense to me today.

And FYI - you DON'T get the call the shots on when "she's ready" to accept, forgive & move on.

"MY H has been 'sober' for a little over 2 years now and I like him no better today than I did then nor am I any happier. So believe me, you will only push her away trying to do this your way & on your terms."

I think your right on this one. maybe i am trying to do things my way and i did not see it like that. I am just really disappointed in all the damage i caused in the last 8 years and want nothing more then to fix it and get my wife back. 
Maybe i am causing more damage now then i realize, i think you guys are right that i am pushing her farther away. WOW, i guess sometimes you need to talk to people to be able to analize things differently. I did not see things like this yesterday.

See now I feel calm and everyting will work out. I have patience now, maybe i need to stop thinking i need to see results every night i come home. I think i am making this into a me me me thing lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, you should be doing this stuf because it becomes you. It enhances you, improves you, and you should be getting a lot out of THAT. Living a good life is a reward in itself. It lets you wake up each day and be proud of yourself. It sets amazing role modeling for your kids, and THAT is important enough just to be for that. If, in the end, your wife trusts you again, better yet. But you have to do this for you, you know?

Are you going to AA on a regular basis? You need to, for at least the first 5 years of this. It will help you see all this.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

i go to a pyschologist actually, he really helps me out. I see him not just for the drinking but also cause i have an anti-social behavior disorder that i found out from doing some questionier tests. So he discussed with me that once we have the drinking problem solved we will work on the anti social behavior.


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