# Am I being selfish, or is She? Maybe Both.



## Jo.OrNot?

Hello Everyone, I'd like some insight on this. There's times when we get things heated with foreplay, she'll mention she's on her period and doesn't want things to get messy so we'll stop. Occasionally I'll ask her to jerk me off instead. Her reply will be "No, I don't get nothing out of it, & I'm gonna want penetration. So I'm left aroused and a bit frustrated So I'll go masturbate "something she does not approve" so I try to be quick about it. So I'm not sure if I'm wrong for asking her or she's being selfish.


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## happyhusband0005

Jo.OrNot? said:


> Hello Everyone, I'd like some insight on this. There's times when we get things heated with foreplay, she'll mention she's on her period and doesn't want things to get messy so we'll stop. Occasionally I'll ask her to jerk me off instead. Her reply will be "No, I don't get nothing out of it, & I'm gonna want penetration. So I'm left aroused and a bit frustrated So I'll go masturbate "something she does not approve" so I try to be quick about it. So I'm not sure if I'm wrong for asking her or she's being selfish.


I think she's being selfish, She should at least give the heads up about the period before getting hot and heavy.


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## EllisRedding

So you don't know she is on her period until you guys start foreplay? If so, then yes, she should at least give you a heads up before any foreplay begins. i don't think her not wanting to jerk you off is selfish per se, but would be selfish if she is leading you on by not saying anything about her period ...


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## FeministInPink

It sounds like she's is the one against having sex on her period. Are you ok with having sex while she has her period? If you would be ok with it, and she's the one saying that she doesn't want sex on her period, it's really unfair of her to expect you to be celibate (and not masturbate) for that entire 5-7 day period. It's actually pretty cruel, in my book.

I would think a generous partner who cared about your sexual satisfaction would offer oral or manual stimulation if they refused PIV sex (with the obvious exceptions of illness, etc.). To have the attitude of "if I'm not getting any, you're not getting any" is pretty childish. She may not get anything out of it, but the act brings YOU joy, so I don't understand why she is so opposed to it. Does she not want you to be happy?

Now, obviously, this is your first post, so I don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship outside of the one post above. Assuming the rest of your relationship is healthy and happy, the above would apply. But if your relationship involves dysfunctional dynamics or unhealthy behaviors, there is probably more at play here than "is one of us being selfish?" Nothing happens in a vacuum, and if there is one problem in your relationships, you would do best to look at the relationship as a whole rather than just that individual issue.


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## personofinterest

Jo.OrNot? said:


> Hello Everyone, I'd like some insight on this. There's times when we get things heated with foreplay, she'll mention she's on her period and doesn't want things to get messy so we'll stop. Occasionally I'll ask her to jerk me off instead. Her reply will be "No, I don't get nothing out of it, & I'm gonna want penetration. So I'm left aroused and a bit frustrated So I'll go masturbate "something she does not approve" so I try to be quick about it. So I'm not sure if I'm wrong for asking her or she's being selfish.


Yes, if she is getting you all excited and then waiting until then to tell you she needs to stop, and then she won't help YOU....she is being selfish.


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## sa58

If she is on her period then why does she even
start anything. That is being selfish, but I wonder 
about relationship. What happens during the other 
three weeks a month ?


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## Jo.OrNot?

@EllisRedding usually just spontaneous making out gets things started then and I'm told by her it's starting or already flowing..


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## Jo.OrNot?

@FeministInPink we're both ok with having sex on her period, sometimes I guess it's heavy so there's a definite no go on both ends. She does have the "I'm not getting any so you're not" mentality when it's the time of the month. We've been married 18yrs so our relationship has had issues, things we've worked through and came out stronger. She sees masturbation as a wasted erection when she's there available for me to penetrate. So no matter what the scenario it comes down to penetration or nothing.


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## Rob_1

@JrNot: easy solution man, just tell her to bend over....Just kidding.

Yes. She is being selfish.


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## Jo.OrNot?

@sa58 it's not that she starts something, it'll just be kissing,hugging, & rubbing usually from either one of us. This happens often, there is times though when I'm aroused but shot down due to Aunt Flow and as I mentioned "if she's not getting penetration".... BJ's or manual stimulation from her is off the table


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## TJW

Jo.OrNot? said:


> She sees masturbation as a wasted erection


That's an interesting viewpoint..... how is it "wasted" ? Will masturbation cause any erection you would have next week to go away?

I agree with others, your wife has a very selfish attitude here.

You might consider asking her what she would do if you contract ED.....


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## Jo.OrNot?

@Rob_1 LoL


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## FeministInPink

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @FeministInPink we're both ok with having sex on her period, sometimes I guess it's heavy so there's a definite no go on both ends. She does have the "I'm not getting any so you're not" mentality when it's the time of the month. We've been married 18yrs so our relationship has had issues, things we've worked through and came out stronger. *She sees masturbation as a wasted erection when she's there available for me to penetrate.* So no matter what the scenario it comes down to penetration or nothing.


Well, if you can't penetrate her because she says no because on her period, then it's not wasted, is it?

It would be one thing if you chose masturbation over having sex with her (which would be wrong on so many levels). But she's saying no to PIV sex after you've gotten excited. And it's your body. If you want to have an orgasm, you can have an orgasm if you want. She doesn't OWN your body, but her behavior indicates that she thinks she does, and that she has the right to decide what you do with your body.

As my handle would indicate, I'm a feminist, and ownership of and autonomy over one's own body is a big issue and a right that feminism strives for. The standard feminist argument is obviously focused on women's autonomy of their own body, but *this right belongs to men as well*. Your body and your genitals didn't become her property when you married. Yes, you vowed to not put your penis in another woman's vagina, but your penis and the rest of your body still belongs to you and you decide what to do with them. She didn't get the right to make those decisions when you guys got married.


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## FeministInPink

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @sa58 it's not that she starts something, it'll just be kissing,hugging, & rubbing usually from either one of us. This happens often, there is times though when I'm aroused but shot down due to Aunt Flow and as I mentioned "if she's not getting penetration".... *BJ's or manual stimulation from her is off the table*


I'm just... I'm so sorry. I'm just really sorry.


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## Rowan

Is there some history here? Has there ever been a time in your relationship when she would give you stand-alone oral or manual orgasms and you weren't doing the same for her? How often do give her an orgasm without expectation of reciprocation? Is it possible that she feels like you're asking for favors that are unlikely to be returned?


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## Jo.OrNot?

@Rowan yes she has given oral before, some manual stimulation but never to climax. I've returned the favor as well. She prefers orgasm through penetration, which is why I feel she might think it's not fair if she provides oral or manual orgasm for me while she is on her period and she gets nothing in return because she enjoys orgasm through penetration and doesn't want to make a mess in the sheets.


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## CharlieParker

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @Rowan yes she has given oral before, some manual stimulation but never to climax. I've returned the favor as well. She prefers orgasm through penetration, which is why I feel she might think it's not fair if she provides oral or manual orgasm for me while she is on her period and she gets nothing in return because she enjoys orgasm through penetration and doesn't want to make a mess in the sheets.


How old are you 2? 

Forget the selfish issue, we were somewhat similar, the intercourse was great so that's what we did. But as we got older the intercourse got less reliable and we needed to expand the repertoire. That included more I'll do you now, I know you'll do me later. YMMV.


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## Jo.OrNot?

@CharlieParker that's one of the issues here. She doesn't like the "you do me now , I'll do you later" Routine.. Either we both get off together, or neither of us get off. That is her approach to our sex life


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## FeministInPink

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @Rowan yes she has given oral before, some manual stimulation but never to climax. I've returned the favor as well. She prefers orgasm through penetration, which is why I feel she might think it's not fair if she provides oral or manual orgasm for me while she is on her period and she gets nothing in return because she enjoys orgasm through penetration and doesn't want to make a mess in the sheets.


Dude. USE TOWELS. 

They also make rubber sheets, if you didn't know.


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## FeministInPink

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @CharlieParker that's one of the issues here. She doesn't like the "you do me now , I'll do you later" Routine.. Either we both get off together, or neither of us get off. That is her approach to our sex life


Again, selfish. If I took that approach with my last BF, we would have never had sex. (Not going into it here.)

Most women don't climax through PIV anyway, so "you now, me later" is the standard for MOST people's sex lives. The guy makes sure she gets hers first, either through oral, manual, or other fun stuff, and then he gets his through PIV (or other).

"Getting off together" is NOT standard by any means. Very few couples simultaneously orgasm.


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## Lila

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @CharlieParker that's one of the issues here. She doesn't like the "you do me now , I'll do you later" Routine.. *Either we both get off together, or neither of us get off. That is her approach to our sex life*


I'm going to assume you started this thread as a way to ask for advice and not as a way to seek validation for your position. So having said that....

You say you've been married 18 years and she's been like this the whole time. After 18 years together, the likelihood of her changing is very slim. My recommendation is to find ways for you to both mutually find sexual satisfaction during her periods rather than trying to change her "both get off or neither do" viewpoint. 

Has she ever tried Soft Cups? They are disposable diaphragms that cover the cervix and act as a catch basin. She can wear one for penetrative sex so as to make things less messy. 

Have you two tried shower sex during her periods? Great way to keep things cleaner and possibly get some oral for you.


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## Cynthia

It seems that this could be resolved by her letting you know when her period is about to start and for the two of you to have sex before her period starts or when it hasn't gotten heavy enough for either of you to be bothered by it. (since you said that both of you are okay with it if it's not heavy)

Getting you all hot and bothered and then saying no is teasing and unkind. That could be resolved with good communication to begin with so that doesn't happen.

If she gets turned on by you being turned on, but it frustrates her not to be able to have piv, then it would be teasing her to get her all hot and bothered without release. It goes both ways.


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## Jo.OrNot?

@FeministInPink Oh no! That's means there'll have to be a separate load of laundry to wash cause she won't want to mix that with our usual dirty linens.. when I accidentally climax on the sheets even just one drop everything needs to be washed there's no sleeping in those Cum stained sheets. So sorry towels or rubber sheets wont do. She'd rather not have any sexy time


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## MaiChi

We both would not have penetrative sex while I am on period. We are clear on that. 
There are other things to do than penetration. Why not discuss the options and choose which you both might want.


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## Jo.OrNot?

@Lila yes we've done shower sex it has been fine that way, don't think she'd try the cervix cup though. @FeministInPink we've had discussions on sexual satisfaction through other means she's stubborn and only wants PIV she says why use toys, fingers etc... When she has an available penis for her pleasure. @CynthiaDe we've also had discussions about her cylce and perhaps doing it before it starts. She does not like to schedule sex. Says it has to happen naturally or spontaneously.. I understand that it goes both ways.


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## Cynthia

Jo.OrNot? said:


> @CynthiaDe we've also had discussions about her cylce and perhaps doing it before it starts. She does not like to schedule sex. Says it has to happen naturally or spontaneously.. I understand that it goes both ways.


It's not all about her. (I wouldn't recommend saying that to her though.) In a marriage we think of each other's needs as important as our own and we work together for the benefit of the relationship. I would recommend telling her that this is not working for you and ask her to help you find a solution, because scheduled or not, you feel your needs are not currently being given full consideration in the relationship, which isn't doing either of you any good. You cannot work through this on your own. You two have to cooperate to find a solution.

One thing you might consider is keeping a calendar of your own with her periods, so you know when to expect it and how long it's going to last. Then she doesn't have to schedule it, but you will know when to approach her.


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## Elizabeth001

CynthiaDe said:


> It's not all about her. (I wouldn't recommend saying that to her though.) In a marriage we think of each other's needs as important as our own and we work together for the benefit of the relationship. I would recommend telling her that this is not working for you and ask her to help you find a solution, because scheduled or not, you feel your needs are not currently being given full consideration in the relationship, which isn't doing either of you any good. You cannot work through this on your own. You two have to cooperate to find a solution.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing you might consider is keeping a calendar of your own with her periods, so you know when to expect it and how long it's going to last. Then she doesn't have to schedule it, but you will know when to approach her.




LOVE this!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink

CynthiaDe said:


> It's not all about her. (I wouldn't recommend saying that to her though.) In a marriage we think of each other's needs as important as our own and we work together for the benefit of the relationship. I would recommend telling her that this is not working for you and ask her to help you find a solution, because scheduled or not, you feel your needs are not currently being given full consideration in the relationship, which isn't doing either of you any good. You cannot work through this on your own. You two have to cooperate to find a solution.
> 
> One thing you might consider is keeping a calendar of your own with her periods, so you know when to expect it and how long it's going to last. Then she doesn't have to schedule it, but you will know when to approach her.


I think this is probably your best solution, given your wife's rigidity surrounding sex. Basically, YOU schedule it... but just don't ever let her know that you've been scheduling, so she believes it is spontaneous.

Normally, I believe in complete transparency in a marriage. But her narrow perception of what sex is and should be hasn't given you any other options. I think this is one time when it's ok to lie to your wife. When scheduling, make sure you work in some time for yourself for masturbation when she's on her period so you don't lose your mind.


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