# Advice Needed: Am I complicating sex life?



## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

Running into an issue with my girlfriend and not sure what to do about it. Split from my wife in 2014, divorce finalized about 1 year ago. Have dated a couple of women since the 2014 split. Met current girlfriend last summer.​

With my ex-wife things were pretty good for years but began to go downhill after we got married and lived together. Our sex life especially took a big hit. For the last 2 years or so of the marriage she stopped making any effort and frequency declined significantly. By the end it was maybe once per week and always felt like she was just going through the motions. She'd lost interest in me and the relationship, which I now realize, so it's not shocking that sex took a backseat. However, at the time it made me feel terrible and I did express that to her but that isn't important now.

I just moved in with my current girlfriend about a month ago. Things with us have been so good since we met. Sex too. Easily the best sexual partner I've ever had - great chemistry and​​ she always made me feel wanted. We had sex basically every time we saw each other, and it was clear she was excited for it.

Since moving in together frequency has declined and I feel like her mannerisms have changed somewhat. She still flirts and talks dirty a bit during the day (ie. texts) but then night rolls around and nothing happens. If it does, I have to initiate where as before it was more evenly split. She's tired often, which I understand, but I'm feeling depressed. We went from Sex 2-4 times a week before moving in to 1-2 since. I know when living together it becomes easier to default to "we can do it tomorrow night" mentality because access is always there, but we haven't been together or lived together long enough for me to really be OK with such a decline.

I mentioned to my girlfriend my concerns about this but sort of vaguely. She was supportive but I wasn't very direct. I don't want to so bluntly explain my feelings because I worry it'll just turn into pity sex or pressure to meet quotas, which isn't what I want. I just want to feel wanted and desired like before. I think sometimes in the evening when it's clear it isn't going to happen and it's been a few days I end up in a bad/sad/quiet mood where maybe she knows something is wrong, which then makes our evenings less enjoyable and perhaps more awkward.

I assume the solution is for me to just forget it and enjoy our life together and that it'll work out when I'm not focusing on it. I'm trying that. But I can't help worrying and recalling the terrible feeling of being in a relationship with someone whose sexual interest wanes and becomes merely a duty instead of a joy. 

Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Not living together = Good sex
Living together = Bad Sex

I have an idea, but you will probably tell me a bunch of reasons why it won't work.


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Not living together = Good sex
> Living together = Bad Sex
> 
> I have an idea, but you will probably tell me a bunch of reasons why it won't work.


To clarify, the sex is still very good. It's just less frequent.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Move out. If the sex frequency doesn't improve, move on. Or just move on. You've almost certainly reached the point where the new relationship hormones and excitement have worn off for her, and this is her baseline sexuality from now on (and it can get even worse). It's also not fixable except in rare cases.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

motl said:


> _*I assume the solution is for me to just forget it and enjoy our life together and that it'll work out when I'm not focusing on it.*_ I'm trying that. But I can't help worrying and recalling the terrible feeling of being in a relationship with someone whose sexual interest wanes and becomes merely a duty instead of a joy.
> 
> Any thoughts or suggestions?


That's a terrible assumption. That's the sort of solution that lands you in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship for years while the anger and resentment slowly builds and you finally reach some sort of crisis where the whole thing finally tanks.

Here's my advice. Talk to her. You can do it without being blunt, mean, etc. How about something like "GF, I can't help but notice that the frequency of our crazy, hot sexual encounters has decreased by half...is there something going on? Can we discuss this?" 

Do be honest about your fears of ending up like your last situation. 

Talking about stuff is the best way to figure out what's going on.

Keep us posted...


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Think twice about putting a ring on that finger bud. It won't get any better. Do you really want to go through it all again?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

But.. I would say that what you are experiencing is the norm in LT relationships. Real life gets in the way of the "fun". 

So maybe it is less about the partner and more about learning how to get through the monotony that a LT relationship brings while keeping it fun and better appreciating the many benefits of the LT relationship. 

And that doesn't mean sex once per year....


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Looks like you are having the same issue with her that you were with your ex. What's the common denominator here. My friend you might want to take a look in the mirror and figure out if you are doing something to cause this. Also keep in mind that when you decided to move in with you you entered a defacto marriage. The only difference between her and your ex is maybe kids if you had them and pieces of paper. The actual day to day is the same.


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

Tortdog said:


> But.. I would say that what you are experiencing is the norm in LT relationships. Real life gets in the way of the "fun".
> 
> So maybe it is less about the partner and more about learning how to get through the monotony that a LT relationship brings while keeping it fun and better appreciating the many benefits of the LT relationship.
> 
> And that doesn't mean sex once per year....


Perhaps. 

Here's the thing - our sex is way better than it ever was with previous partners. She's also fun and flirty and 'dirty' (like comments or brief touches) outside the bedroom, which is new for me and appreciated. 

If we had sex 2-3 times per week from here on out, I'd likely be OK with it if the quality stayed about the same. I guess I'm more concerned with what the decline may signify rather than the decline itself. Me being troubled by this likely hasn't helped so I'm guessing frequency could be improved, even slightly, if I'm in a better place mentally and more natural about the whole thing. And assertive. 

But I remember how it felt before, knowing that someone was pushing me away because she didn't feel like she once did. Quantity and quality suffered. I'm worried that the decline could be linked to something similar. When I talked to her, that is what I communicated - that I was concerned about a decrease in interest and the situation I was in before. I didn't specifically say that I wasn't happy with our frequency.

I don't want to guilt her into more sex or anything like that. I ended up feeling like my ex started to do it simply out of duty or guilt, and that fact wasn't lost on me. It was terrible. My current girlfriend is a much different and better person. I'm just not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion (ie. it's in my head) and my anxiety is making the problem worse by perhaps giving off a bad vibe. Or if my concerns are genuine and if so I'm not sure how to approach it.

My fear is that by being blunt and open I create a situation where sex becomes awkward. Evenings in bed become an awkward dance where she assumes I want sex and weighs whether it needs to happen tonight to keep me happy. Then it turns into the situation I had before, which is worse than less frequency.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

You know, one of the things that I learned late (but thank heavens I did) was to not overthink things.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

motl said:


> Perhaps.
> 
> Here's the thing - our sex is way better than it ever was with previous partners. She's also fun and flirty and 'dirty' (like comments or brief touches) outside the bedroom, which is new for me and appreciated.
> 
> ...



You just moved in with her. That was a big life change. Give it some time. Living together and dating are COMPLETELY different. You've been married so you know that.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

A decrease is sexual frequency is pretty typical in a lot of relationships.

My suggestion to you is to look inside yourself and figure out why having sex is so important to you. Once you determine that and realize the why, you can articulate to your gf the importance of sex to a guy.

Hint: Sex feels great but its not the physical act that is important. 

It took me years to realize why the lack of sex in my previous marriage built up so much resentment in me. The easiest way I have seen it stated is that men need sex to feel love, women need love to need sex. Seems to be a pretty simple statement that I see a lot of both sexes not understanding, hence the resentment that builds in a lot of relationships (On both sides of the fence).

Disclaimer: This is not all encompassing, just a generalization


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Moving in is a big change from dating. 
Sex 4/5 times a week may be difficult if both of you are working full-time. 
Also what amount of time is being spent on foreplay, it is just about quantity or quality? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. To answer a few questions.

My concern was mostly quantity, because quality is still good. She's definitely into it during and the sex is about as good as it ever was. It's not like with my ex because in that case the sex felt bland and had a distinct 'going through the motions' feeling. I don't feel that right now with my girlfriend. So yes, it's entirely possible that with the change and just life itself, she's adjusting and tired. I know she has less time for her self now obviously and things like that may be contributing. Those thoughts are exactly why I posted here, because I wasn't sure if I was making too big of a deal out of this after only 1 month living together. And like I said, the quality hasn't declined.

Flirty comments and texts have declined a little bit, but that isn't too shocking because there isn't the same kind of anticipation when living together. But it's still there. 

I'll look at my own behavior and see if there's anything I can do to make life easier/better for her in general. I'm a pretty good living partner in the sense that I don't have any gross habits, I help with chores, etc. but I'm sure I could be better. I'll perhaps discuss this with her as well.

Otherwise I'll also try to be a bit more assertive when I want to have sex instead of hoping she initiates and see what happens. If that increases frequency and she seems to enjoy it then maybe she's just been tired and not in the frame of mind to initiate (but still receptive to it). If the result is a bunch of rejection then I'll have to explain exactly how I'm feeing/scared of.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Read "The 5 Love Languages". The more you meet her needs....the more she'll WANT to meet yours.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So - this is a puzzle - worth solving. 

1. Could be you
2. Her
3. Or your dynamic

If she is a hardwired huntress, than moving in - and always being around - will greatly reduce her desire.

Easiest and best way to test that is to make sure you are doing your own thing at least a few times a week. 






motl said:


> To clarify, the sex is still very good. It's just less frequent.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Before moving in, you each crave each other's closeness. This manifests itself sexually. You don't see each other very much, so when you do it's fireworks.

After you move in, closeness is forced upon both of you. It's hard to crave something that's in overabundance.

Solution is to create some space. Be less available. Don't neglect her, and don't be a d!ck about it. Just be busy elsewhere more.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I agree with Fozzy. It's natural for the "new sex" activity to change into "I see you every day" activity. 

I think you might be extra sensitive about this topic because of your history with your ex. Try not to let your current relationship suffer because you are still working out some of the residual feelings from your marital sex life.

Focus on how much you are enjoying your sex life and _enjoy _being with her. You don't get this time back again; don't waste it by projecting your wife's issues onto your girlfriend. Don't over analyze, over think or over do the anxiety. If you can't help worrying about it, it may have been too soon for you to move in with someone.


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