# Update-13yo daughter's friend threatening suicide



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am hoping you might help me with what action I can take.

Background: We live in a small town. Last week a boy from my daughter's middle school hung himself. My daughter knew him but was not a close friend of his. Last week, another boy from her school lost his mom when a truck hit her while on her bike. His sister is in critical condition. He lost his dad 6 years ago to cancer. My daughter has been pretty shaken by these events.

Her friend: She hangs around with approx. 10 kids (guys/girls) going to movies, roller skating, etc. and one of the boys IM'd her last night. He said his mom and stepdad don't want him anymore and called his dad. He said his dad will take his sister but cannot afford to take him as well. He said his dad doesn't really like him anyway. He said they are sending him to Australia in 3 weeks. At that point, he told my daughter he plans to kill himself within the next 3 weeks.

He did not discuss how he will do this or when, but I definitely want to intervene I am just not sure who to call/what to do. I do not know him/his family myself so at this point I only know what he has told my daughter and bless her heart for coming to me as I know she does not want to go against his wishes of secrecy but we've talked about this before being an exception.

What I don't want to do is make things worse for him since I do not know the dynamics of his family and what is going on (he tells my daughter his mom is crazy, but again all I know is from his talks with her.) Any ideas of how to handle this would be GREATLY appreciated.

~swedish


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Child protective services and the police.

Start there.... if the kid commits suicide, you will be sorry you didn't get serious and help.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Swede, call the police! Immediately! 

Get officials involved! 

They will get him the help he needs. 

Please don't think YOU have to be the one to resolve this! 

If you thought like that you wouldn't have posted here. You know what you need to do...get him help!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Thanks. My first thought was the police, CPS...the only reason I haven't yet is that I wasn't sure that was the right route...I don't want to do something that ends up the boy says he was just joking, etc. so his mom doesn't get mad and the police leave because there is nothing they can do...

This happened late last night and I definitely do not want to wait to take action...just want to make sure it's the best action to take to get the right people involved that will help him. 

I have been in that state of mind myself a few times (I know you have too dcrim) so I did ask her if he talked about when and how he plans to do it, and he did not give her any specifics which was a good sign but I still want to intervene ASAP....that will happen today...just trying to make sure the police is the right help to get him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the others. I'll pray for him.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Swede, DO IT!

I've been there. Once the xgf made similar remarks...I called the police immediately! You need to do the same thing!

Even if it's a "joke", it's still a cry for help!

Please help him!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Believe me, I don't think it's a joke. I think he feels helpless and unloved and sees no other way out of his situation. And that a good friend of his did this last week tells me he is seriously considering it.

I'll start with the police right now and hopefully that will be the right route. 

Thanks.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

hope hes ok !! so sad that at 13 he feels he has no one to turn to !! how sad our world as become


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Thanks HD. 

I contacted the police. The problem now is I only have a first/last name and neighborhood...they cannot find his address -- probably under his step-dad's name. My daughter is trying to contact friends to get an address.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you have done the right thing at least they will seek him out and he can get the correct help he needs !! just would love so much to give him a hug !! poor lad


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Sad. Another product of a broken marriage. This is another example as to why we need to continue to work hard at marriage when children are involved and not take the sometimes easier route of divorce.



John


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

HD...I know...and I'm sure my daughter will give him one for you next time she sees him...if he doesn't get too mad at her for spilling the beans. Just trying to get address info for him so was going through her school stuff and found his yearbook picture...just brings tears to my eyes...cute boy...she says he's the smiley type but not lately 

John ~ If what this boy is saying is accurate, sounds like broken parents...it all sounds very foreign and confusing to me if true...divorce or not, how does a parent abandon their 13yo kid? It's beyond my comprehension.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Thanks for the consistent 'call the police' advice. I was able to find the address and followed up with them. I am glad they wasted no time in getting over there. I'm not sure how things went when they got there but in either case there was enough concern for his safety at that point and he has been transported. My daughter is worried about him, about him being angry with her, but feels better that he will now get some support and help.

I appreciate you all stepping in to help me on this one!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

GOOD, Swedish! I'm so glad they/you found him! It IS good for him! Even with his limited years. He can now get the help he needs! 

With younger people, they just don't know how life can be. It may hurt, it may be joyfull. But until you've been there you cannot know what you're missing!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank god hes safe !!! he might be angry that will pass your daughter was very brave in telling you what she had heard ..you should be so proud of her


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Even if he does get upset for your daughter telling you- deep down he's going to know that someone cares about him... he was probably feeling very unloved with all the issues with his parents, but now he knows how big of a deal his life really is and that people do care about him...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

thanks...that's just what I told her...and that I'm proud of her


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

um, yes...don't neglect your daughter! She needs to know that she did the right thing...that this isn't something you can keep a secret. Comfort her, tell her she's loved and that she saved the life of her friend!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

so what happened? where is the boy? please make sure you at least follow up after you sic'd the cops on him.

Having gone thru this kind of thing, I would have talked to him myself to see if he was serious and see what could be done. I've done this with my kids friends and have often helped. I know you were trying to help, but especially in this kind of situation, involving the police and CPS often makes things MUCH worse for the kid, even tho it makes you feel better because you 'did something' when what you actually did was just wash your hands of the situation and report hearsay. 

PLEASE follow up and make sure he's ok - not just put in an institution or shunted around to those god awful foster homes. If his family situation was as bad as he says, things could get much worse and quickly. Now that he knows his friends aren't even safe to talk to (by their mothers reporting him to the police) it's very likely that he will simply run away or take to the streets since there isn't anyone he can talk to or go to now. 

I have taken in many kids like this and have no problem taking him in if he needs a place to stay and a home where people care about him and love him. 

I don't just SAY 'oh i wish I could' blah blah.. I actually DO it. 

Swedish - if you hear about him and he needs a place, PM me and I'll take care of it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That was my reason for posting here, I was not sure who to contact and did not want to make things worse for him. I also am not a professional and would not feel comfortable talking with him myself and 'hoping' he was ok...chances are he would tell me that he was fine even if he wasn't.

I do know that many times kids that have these thoughts and might not otherwise act on them can persuade themselves when a friend did the same a week earlier. That's why I felt I needed to get professionals involved today.

In the short term, he is safe and being evaluated.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I totally agree, M22. I did actually bring this option up last night, but it certainly isn't a unilateral decision and my H has already taken on my 3


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I don't know. The police will go to the address, request to talk to the boy, the boy will have to say something (he may be confused), the police will wait there till the guardians come, the police may leave and then it is up to the guardian to decide. Not every guardian is ok with the idea of 'knowing' their kid wants to die, and if that's the case it may be even more depressing for him. I guess knowing how supportive his guardians are very important before I make a lot of decisions :-/.

(I don't know where you live and how that works with the police) but immediate danger idk, I mean it is something to take very seriously but I don't know how to say what I want to say.

Just sometimes getting the 'parents' involved can make it a whole lot more messy. And maybe talking to him or doing something to feel it out may have been so much better. I just get this feeling that the police thing was a bad idea, and how it turns out I'm not sure, so if it's good I'll be relieved and hope to hear that side of the story.

I wonder how it works out.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I felt I needed to act quickly because his friend took his life last week and I've read too many times that it can trigger kids who are already thinking that way to go through with it.

From what my daughter knows from him, he doesn't feel his parents are supportive at all, which is why he is feeling so low and also why I came on here for opinions because the last thing I want is to make things worse for him.

This is a small town and the police intervened and got him to a hospital to get evaluated and help. I pray he will be able to open up to the doctors and talk through this with professionals who can help him through this.

And yes, I've been worried all day and feeling sick thinking how scared he must have been when they transported him


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

It's going to be ok Swedish. I think everything will play out naturally, it doesn't have to be 'bad'. For me I worry about what his parents reaction will be, but at the same time I think that if he is willing, if that it will be ok. In the end you've done all that you could do, and it wasn't a wrong thing. I would love to hear how it turns out, even just to know if he is doing alright. But a lot of times in these situations we don't really know how it turns out, but it does help that it is a small town because if something bad happened I think you would find out. 

I think it's going to be ok though so try no to worry so much? Paramedics (the ones I've experienced) can be really friendly, and can definitely make the experience less frightening.

Sometimes it takes something like this for help to start. I really hope it works out, I think a lot of us are.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Swedish,

You did the right thing!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for taking action. Many folks think someone else is going to take care of it.

You did not know the parents or the situation. The cops can maybe sort this out. Often, more often than not, CPS will be involved and can help with referrals if the danger isnt' immediate. The system isn't perfect. However, it is better do something than nothing in these cases. 

I know, CPS is hard pressed to take a 13 year out of their home unless abuse is suspected. The system is overwhelmed with children and not enough foster providers. 

I hope the situation gets sorted out and some positive outlook for the child comes about.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Hopefully this will be a wake up call for his parents!! It might have been a cry for help or he could have been very serious about it... either way- hopefully he knows now that people think his life is important enough for someone to step in and make a big deal about this.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> Hopefully this will be a wake up call for his parents!! It might have been a cry for help or he could have been very serious about it... either way- hopefully he knows now that people think his life is important enough for someone to step in and make a big deal about this.



:iagree:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

That's why I'd recommended calling the cops. 

I'm not sure what I could/would have done in the same circumstances. 

The cops have the resources to see that the kid gets help. 

You did the right thing, even at the risk of the kid not feeling able to talk to his friends. WE know that friends would help (as your daughter did when telling you); kids don't know that yet. Better he LIVES with some resentment over that than that he DIED and messing up his friends psyches.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well you've washed your hands of him and "did the right thing"

No sense in being worried now. Whatever happens to the kid from here on out, you sure don't owe him even a five minute personal talk explaining to him why you did what you did. Just post it to a forum somewhere. That will make you feel much better 

There there. You couldn't have done anything else.
There there. It's good you didn't get involved yourself.
There there. What a good person you are for having that kid 'transported' to a facility. Yes, that's for the best. 
There there. Don't let it bother you too much. 

"Let the authorities handle it" 
"don't get personally involved"
"I did what I could"
"poor thing"

Way to go. 

The only thing it takes for evil to flourish in this world is for good people to stand by and do nothing. Or for good people to stand by and just call the cops. 

No wonder you feel bad. The kid never even knew what you did to him or why. And you haven't bothered to even try to explain it to him.

I'll bet you think the dog catcher just helps poor homeless animals get a good meal too, huh?

DC, i thought you of all people would have known better. I'm SO disappointed in you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I have to say swedish, that your daughter must really trust and love to to confide something like that to you.
Seems your doing something right with your kid


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

snix,

sorry to hear you must have had such bad experience with 'the cops.' I haven't had that experience myself. Where I live, they are concerned parents like the rest of us so I don't think of the police as a horrible choice when help is needed. My only reason for posting was to see if it was the correct route to go.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

swedish you so did the right thing !! you didnt even know where the child lived !! i cant see what else you could have done .. thankfully there are people in the world like you who act rather then think they know what to do ...weldone hes safe and weldone to you and your daughter for having such a fantastic relationship


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Snix, I'm sorry you're disappointed in me. In the 2 suicide mentions in my life (mine and xgf's) the cops were called to the betterment of both. Also small town (rural). 

If you had a bad experience, then again, I'm sorry for that. It's been MY experience that the authorities do help. 

If my kids had come to me as Swedish's did, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd've call them immediately. Especially given that recent histoty.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Snix, I'm sorry you're disappointed in me. In the 2 suicide mentions in my life (mine and xgf's) the cops were called to the betterment of both. Also small town (rural).
> 
> If you had a bad experience, then again, I'm sorry for that. It's been MY experience that the authorities do help.
> 
> If my kids had come to me as Swedish's did, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd've call them immediately. Especially given that recent histoty.



I have had good experiences with the police too. I've started attending community meetings with the police this year and gotten to know the officers on my beat. COPS program ( citizens on partol) as it decreases crime and helps keep the kids out of trouble as without the police presence they would get bolder and more wild... end up hurting themselves.

I do have a neighbor that thinks like you snix, and what ended up happening ( over 20 years that we have been neighbors) is her house became the teen hangout, they eventaully stole her car and her son ended up in jail due to many situations he and his friends became involved with. 
She could have stopped all that nonsense but didn't, thinking she could handle it herself and it blew up in her face. Now her son is 18 in going to be in prison a longggggggggggg time.
Not to mention
how us neighbors suffered due to all the mayhem the kids caused with stealing, graffitti, etc.......
I have not have any bad experiences with law enforcement. In the meetings I go to in the community with them, they are organized, wanting to help and have the resources to do so before minor issues become massive problems.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

snix11 said:


> Well you've washed your hands of him and "did the right thing"
> 
> No sense in being worried now. Whatever happens to the kid from here on out, you sure don't owe him even a five minute personal talk explaining to him why you did what you did. Just post it to a forum somewhere. That will make you feel much better
> 
> ...


Wow...feeling a little snotty today?

It's unfortunate you've had such bad experiences with the cops to have this opinion. Or maybe it is the difference between the big city and small towns. My husband is a cop, and I was before our daughter. We both work(ed) small towns. Not everyone has the mentality to pick 'em up, lock 'em up and throw away the key.

Not one of your "degrees" is in Child Psychology or anything related, relevant, or close. I wouldn't want my child to be taken in by a strange woman who has a big heart and collects strays vs. being helped by proper professionals. 

Your judgement of others is harsh.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

It is also against the law to harbor run-aways ( taking them in) as well as the potential of a wrongful death lawsuit by the kidsd parents, should the kid commit suicide and they deem you were responsible.

If my kid was threatening suicide I would want to know, not have a neighbor dealing with it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He is back home now and contacted my daughter. After he talked to her, he talked to another friend and wanted to know if he told on him. My daughter said no, it was her and he thanked her. I know she was very worried he would be angry so I was glad to hear that.

In her words 'Mom, I got my old friend back' She said he sounded really good and will be in counseling until October (as of now anyway) He said his mom was angry but not directed towards him...probably more that he didn't go to her. 

It sounds like he is in good hands and will continue to get the help he needs. He told my daughter the conversation he had with the policeman who was very supportive and reassured him they would work things out so that was also a big relief.

I wanted to follow up since many of you asked and glad to report some good news!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

swedish said:


> He is back home now and contacted my daughter. After he talked to her, he talked to another friend and wanted to know if he told on him. My daughter said no, it was her and he thanked her. I know she was very worried he would be angry so I was glad to hear that.
> 
> In her words 'Mom, I got my old friend back' She said he sounded really good and will be in counseling until October (as of now anyway) He said his mom was angry but not directed towards him...probably more that he didn't go to her.
> 
> ...



Good to hear the good news


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

That's great news. I'm so glad to hear he wasn't upset with your daughter.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

Swedish,

I have been following this thread, but since everybody gave you good advice and I had no time to write so I did not post.

I am glad everything worked out for the best. He thanked your daughter that means that he is really on the way to recovering, he understands that she did it for him and she cared enough to tell on him and get him help.

Snix,

I am sorry that you have had such bad experience with the police, I live in a medium size town, but on the biggest county of the state. The police here has it's bad apples too, but in general they are very good. We have dealt with them when this pervert came and expose himself to my DD and her friends and they were wonderful, follow up all the way thru. I have been dealing with detectives for the 2 abuse cases that we have been involved with and the police/detectives as well as CPS have been wonderful. So not every police department is BAD.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Very good, Swedish!!! Excellent!


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