# Is this normal? Why do I keep bouncing back? :/



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I'll just recap in case you haven't read my previous posts...

H had an affair in October. It was short lived, a month long. I found out on Halloween night and he broke it off then. Hasn't seen her since.

Here's my problem.
Right after the affair, I felt my sparks come back for him. I felt so completely and madly in love with him all over again.
It lasted awhile, and now I am here in a rut again.

I go back in forth between feeling completely confident and happy with him, to "things aren't going good" and I can't get past this.

I know it hasn't been very long, but I want so badly to let go of this.

I think one of my problems is, I'm a stay at home mother. I have too much time to think of what he could be doing, of what he did etc.

He is trying SO hard. Been a wonderful husband... and after a huge fight last weekend, he has been trying even harder...

For some reason, he is worried I will cheat on him to retaliate, he is worried I am going to leave (I packed my bags after the arguement, but he stopped me from going).

He helped with the housework, he cooked for me... gave me back rubs etc.

When he is trying so hard to show me how much he loves me, why do I continually question him?
Why can't I shake these images in the back of my head.

How do I find closure?
How do I let go and focus on what is happening now.

I feel like I'm obsessed. What can I do?
Is it normal to feel this way or am I just messed up in the head?

Please help me?
I know if I can't put this in the past, and get along with life it will end up ruining our marriage.

I just feel so lost...
I know I am depressed, but I don't know what to do anymore...

Please help?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm probably not the best one to answer your post because my marriage went the opposite direction. However, your husband appears to be doing everything to save your marriage. I would have given anything for that. Count your blessings every time you have doubts. He chose you and the marriage. It's going to take time to get over what he did. He's going to have to earn your trust again.

Hope things work out for you.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

827Aug said:


> I'm probably not the best one to answer your post because my marriage went the opposite direction. However, your husband appears to be doing everything to save your marriage. I would have given anything for that. Count your blessings every time you have doubts. He chose you and the marriage. It's going to take time to get over what he did. He's going to have to earn your trust again.
> 
> Hope things work out for you.



I do know how lucky I am that he is trying so hard, I just can't understand why these feelings will not go away.
It makes me feel awful that I see him trying so hard and I feel this way...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

every time you think of the negative change that thought with something positive your husband has done for you lately. Forget the past stuff and only think of today and what he does for you now, he is trying hard and sounds like he is worth holding on to..
Relax and enjoy the new him.
make your relationship the best it can be for both of you....
just a little bump in the road, give yourself time.....


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Give yourself some time. It's only been a couple months since you found out and these things can take years to recover from. Give yourself a break and know that it's okay to have these feelings and that as long as your H is truly remorseful and is showing changes in his actions, then the feelings will become less and less over time. 

It sounds like you guys are on the right track, but it's normal to still feel mistrust after such a short amount of time. You may find it helpful to hear your husband apologize again (and again) now and then, so don't be afraid to ask him for that.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

jessi said:


> every time you think of the negative change that thought with something positive your husband has done for you lately. Forget the past stuff and only think of today and what he does for you now, he is trying hard and sounds like he is worth holding on to..
> Relax and enjoy the new him.
> make your relationship the best it can be for both of you....
> just a little bump in the road, give yourself time.....


Thank you Jessi,
I will do that.
I love him very much, he means the world to me, and I hate feeling this way. It's been so hard to distract myself when I get into one of those moods, but I will definately give this a shot when it happens again.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Leahdorus said:


> Give yourself some time. It's only been a couple months since you found out and these things can take years to recover from. Give yourself a break and know that it's okay to have these feelings and that as long as your H is truly remorseful and is showing changes in his actions, then the feelings will become less and less over time.
> 
> It sounds like you guys are on the right track, but it's normal to still feel mistrust after such a short amount of time. You may find it helpful to hear your husband apologize again (and again) now and then, so don't be afraid to ask him for that.


I'm glad to hear this is normal.
He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I feel this way, says that I act like I do not want things to work. Definately not the message I want to convey to him.

I hope they become less & less sooner, lately I feel almost consumed by them. When he is gone it is all I can think of, and sometimes when he is home as well! Thank you again.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

breakable said:


> For some reason, he is worried I will cheat on him to retaliate...


it's called projecting. very common in former adulterers



breakable said:


> He helped with the housework, he cooked for me... gave me back rubs etc.
> 
> When he is trying so hard to show me how much he loves me, why do I continually question him?


you've erected a "wall" for defense.




breakable said:


> Why can't I shake these images in the back of my head.


because the affair was very painful to you.

i'm not sure you can just "erase" the bad feelings. maybe only time will do that. if time doesnt eat you alive first. that's where a good, trusted counselor comes in.

tip--interview the counselors until you find one that can answer these questions to your satisfaction: "what is your definition of success in counseling and wha is your success rate?


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

voivod said:


> it's called projecting. very common in former adulterers


Should I be concerned that he is doing this? Or is this normal too?

And thank you for your response.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Forgiveness is a recurring choice some times. When the doubts come back, or you're reminded of the pain, or he messes up something else, you will probably need to choose to forgive all over again. It's completely normal, especially when we've been hurt deep.

One great advice above is to count your blessings. Tell yourself over and over all of the positives, all of the ways you are so thankful that your marriage is still surviving. Look at him in different ways, appreciate him from all angles. It can sometimes take more work to be grateful, but after some time you will find that overtaking the "re-forgiving routine."


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

First off, can I just say, wow - October really sucked! You found out on 10/31, I found out on 10/18 and I know a couple others on this site mention they found out about their spouses A in October. 

_Here's my problem.
Right after the affair, I felt my sparks come back for him. I felt so completely and madly in love with him all over again.
It lasted awhile, and now I am here in a rut again._

I felt the same exact way! All I wanted was my H and my feelings of love came rushing back! It was amazing. Mine lasted for a while too and one day, I did fall into that rut and thought - OH Crap - it can't be gone already! I started reviewing in my mind all the ways we had reconnected since then, all the things he is doing to show his remorse and how sorry he is and ALL the reasons why he is a great husband and father and why I am SO lucky have him in my life and why I am SO lucky he chose to stay with me. 

I, too, sometimes go back and can't get the images but the last few weeks that has happened less. This past weekend, I broke down, for no reason and just started crying. He held me and told me how much he loved me and how much he hated himself for what he did to me. That helped.

I can understand how being at home, since I am unemployed currently, it's easier to think of things, etc. It's a constant effort to keep recalling things over and over. But I think with time it will get easier. Again, just keep thinking of the positives - how much he loves YOU, that he chose YOU and how much you love him. When I am really struggling - I tend to look at things differently. Focus on the positives versus the negatives. Yes, I have a husband who had an A but he is truly sorry, is showing me everyday that he is and we are closer than we have ever been and quite frankly - will probably have a stronger marriage because of it. 

As someone else asked - have you been to counseling? We did and it helped. She (the counselor) didn't even focus on the A really either - she focused on what was wrong in our marriage and needed fixed. I keep thinking about that too. For my situation, he was wrong for having the A but I was wrong for how I was treating him and our marriage. So, sometimes I remind myself that if I hadn't let things to where they were - we might not be in this situation. Sometimes a good 'ole look in the proverbial mirror does wonders!

Hang in there! I think you're doing great and it's sound like you are headed in the right direction. Don't get so down on yourself when you have your "bad" days. It'll happen from time to time. Just don't let them consume you. Focus on the good and soon those bad days won't come around so often!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

breakable said:


> Should I be concerned that he is doing this? Or is this normal too?


no, your concern should be this: strongly reassure your spouse that you ARE NOT going to do that. include a REAL, loving hug. the reaction you get will be all you need.


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## hrtnsoul (Jan 21, 2010)

I posted on here yesterday..Happy Marriage, but... anyway it sounds like we are in the same boat. With my husband it was texting. I found out on Dec. 11th, Merry Christmas to me! LOL! I find myself questioning myself, or getting upset, like oh, God I didn't get his clothes out of the dryer, I didn't do the dishes, or wait let me get up and get you a drink. When I do that he says, "hon, stop it, you have always done everything fine, you dont have to do that" and I just tell him to let me do what I need to, I feel I need to do this. I also find that I have always felt secure in our marriage/relationship and now I don't but I do, if that makes any sense. I know in my gut and in my heart he loves me and is in love with me, this is just something that we have to get past. I told him, I would have bad days I can't help what my mind is thinking, believe me I dont want to think this and he said when you have those days just tell me you are having a bad day and I'll hold you and comfort you, I'm always here for you. 

I hope this kind of helps, reading your post and others has definately helped me


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## strabo67 (Dec 11, 2009)

I know what you're going through. I found out this past July about my W's A. We've been married 21 years. There have been ups and downs over the years. She had an A 3yrs in when I was in the service and gone months at a time. I forgave her and we continued on. In July she swore her A was a one night stand. I've prayed continuously. We've talked continuously. She agreed she wanted to work things out if I could forgive her. I poured my heart into it. Then in Dec I guess you could say my prayers were truly answered when she came under religious conviction. She has truly changed. Great you say. My delimma is she also came clean that her A had not ended but continued physically on into Sep and talking into early Dec. In addition she confessed to a total of 10 A's during our 21 years together. 8 were early on while I was deployed and #9 during a rocky spot in our marriage 6 years ago. Because of my faith I have forgiven her daily as I hurt daily. And because of my faith a large part of me wants to work things out. But there's the other smaller part (smaller most of the time) of me that says 10 is too many! Get out! Daily I go from loving my W to hating her at the same time. Prayer, counseling, and knowing my W is no longer her old self are what keeps me going. She is completely forthcoming about everything. She is trying SO hard. Don't I owe it to her and our 2 teenage kids to continue on?


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

omg we have so much in common...right down to the timing....and i am dealing with this same question today.
how long until i dont treat him like a suspect, how do i know he is getting what he needs from me in order to not do it again, when will all this go away?


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