# 10 years...update



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Today is my 10th anniversary and if you've been following my posts, things are not happy. I am still not sure where things are going with the marriage - we were apart for 2 weeks, and are now back in the same house after a week-long family vacation. I still don't know if we'll make it or not, but I am hopeful.

In the meantime, I have a long list of things I am working on to make myself a better wife, friend, mother, person. He's noticing, although at first he was wary because he felt it was fake or not genuine. I think he's seeing that it's real, but now he is not trusting that I can sustain these changes. I will just have to show him, and that will take time.

I gave him the Five Love Languages book and a card, and have ordered flowers to be sent to his office today. He left a card for me this morning. This is what it said:

_it's hard to know what to say...

yes, I've had some pretty intense sadness lately, which is only possible because you once helped me find intense happiness, so thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life...

wherever the future take us, remember that my heart carries a piece of you with me everywhere I go, even if I'm only a few inches away.

with much love_​
It makes me so sad, and sounds so final to me, like things are over. I am such a ($%**&@ idiot for doing what I did, I can't believe I was unfaithful. I still have times where I beat myself up about it all. When I hugged him this morning, he said he'd been planning a trip for us this year (working on it since last year, pre-affair). I didn't say anything, but maybe someday we can still take that trip. Tonight is his monthly poker game; pre-affair, he would have cancelled, but now, he's going to hang with his friends. I understand, although it would have been nice to do something together.

I am going to keep doing what I've been doing to make these changes as they are good no matter what happens. Patience is one of the big ones, and this is a good test of that.

thanks for everyone's help and advice. I'll be back for more, for sure.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It really sounds to me like you are on the right track. He has stuck by you thus far and I hope tht now since he has has the rest he can have the best you have to ofer.

You have also become a much better person and a much better wife.

draconis


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> Today is my 10th anniversary
> .
> .
> .
> ...


Have you thought about asking him to cancel seeing as this is your anniversary? He may respond more positively than you think. If he does, ask him to take you out somewhere.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Have you thought about asking him to cancel seeing as this is your anniversary? He may respond more positively than you think. If he does, ask him to take you out somewhere.


MT, I didn't ask as he is really looks forward to his poker nights. We don't have a sitter lined up, blah blah, excuses excuses, I know. I guess I don't feel like I have the right to ask him for anything. I feel like I still need to make it up to him, so I didn't ask. Maybe I should have.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Leahdorus said:


> MT, I didn't ask as he is really looks forward to his poker nights. We don't have a sitter lined up, blah blah, excuses excuses, I know. I guess I don't feel like I have the right to ask him for anything. I feel like I still need to make it up to him, so I didn't ask. Maybe I should have.


You will never know unless you ask.

draconis


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You could still ask. If he says no, you could say well what about the day after - as I really think we need to do something special.

*Take a risk*


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I went back to your original thread to see why you cheated. If it had been me I would have walked out or "announced" that I was going to find intimacy elsewhere etc...

I am left wondering what he has done for you since you got back together, as I have not read all your posts. Is he paying YOU attention now?


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

We're going to have dinner before he goes off to poker, so I will settle for that. I did ask him about that this morning before he left for work. Nothing fancy, but we'll be together, with our son.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> _it's hard to know what to say...
> 
> yes, I've had some pretty intense sadness lately, which is only possible because you once helped me find intense happiness, so thank you for giving me some of the best times of my life...
> 
> ...


I'm sure today is a very awkward day for you both, part of that being what to do/what to write in a card. I do see the love in his words, he is just very hurt and you're right, it will take patience and time for him to heal, but you are using that time the best way possible. 

Having been on his end, it's a difficult position to be in when in your head you think you would never condone your spouse cheating but when faced with the reality several things come into play: ego, fear of being a 'doormat', trust, friendship, family, kids & you start to question what has been genuine and what is genuine. Counseling definitely helped me to sort through these feelings but it's been just over a year and although we are doing well now I still get doubts every so often.

There is still a lot of hope in your situation--hang in there.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I went back to your original thread to see why you cheated. If it had been me I would have walked out or "announced" that I was going to find intimacy elsewhere etc...
> 
> I am left wondering what he has done for you since you got back together, as I have not read all your posts. Is he paying YOU attention now?


Ah, no, not really. He does hold me or my hand in bed every night, something he never did pre-affair. But not during the day or in public, which he *did* do pre-affair. Not sure what that's about. But as for the other stuff, doing things as a family and spending time with me, no, he isn't doing that much more, although I think he is trying. Efforts are small, and I think he still feels like he's the victim who didn't do anything wrong. 

It's something I've been thinking about and discussed w/ my therapist. What if he says, ok, I'll give you another chance, and then he doesn't make any changes that would make *me* happier. I don't know what I will do. In the long run, I probably would not want to stay, but it would be a very very hard decision.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

And what about the sex?


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> And what about the sex?


LOL! I love that you always want to talk about the sex in every thread. :smthumbup:

Twice in two weeks, which is far more than I'd been getting pre-affair. We're both sick with colds right now, but if we're feeling better over the weekend, I may initiate it again and see what happens. It's good sex but not quite the same as it used to be. He's quieter and less engaged, but still pays attention to my needs as he always has.

Jeez, I hope he's not reading all this... :-/


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I would not over do the guilt thing. You were not getting much attention in the past, so as judge and jury, I would have let you off 

And look at the result. Even though he is playing the "wronged party" like a luvie at an amateur theatre production, you are actually getting more of what you want.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Another update...

Hubby and I talked last night a little bit, and I learned that while I've been making all these changes because I need and want to, he has been pretending that things are "normal" in the hopes that things would just click into place. So all those things I thought was him trying, maybe it wasn't? I guess pretending and trying could be seen as the same thing, if you want to look at it that way, but that's not how he thinks of it, apparently.

I had the opportunity to have lunch with an online friend from the UK tomorrow who is here in town for a conference. (Male) friend is only a friend and knows my whole story, and nothing would ever happen b/w us. I told hubby that I was going to skip having lunch w/ the friend in the interest of the marriage. He said I could go, that he knew about this guy and that he knew we were just friends and that I should go because I might not get another chance (since the guy lives so far away). In front of him, I sent the friend a note saying I couldn't go, that I had to put the marriage first and that I hoped he understood. Hubby then said he felt like a huge ass because I'm being so nice and clearly working on making things better but he still isn't able to get into the same space in his head. 

He brought up separation again. I really REALLY don't want this. I asked what he could get from being separated that he couldn't get while at home, besides not seeing me every day. He wasn't sure, but said that he could "be himself". When asked what being himself looked like, again he wasn't sure, but said that he might be more snippy and might yell once in a while. I said that sounded normal and that he might get something out of it. That was pretty much the end of the convo, as he was completely bawling at this point.

Not sure what to do at this point except keep on doing what I'm doing. If it comes to separation again, I sort of am of the mind to say, you want the space then you leave. I don't want to be forced to leave my home and my son (even if it's just trading off weeks) when I am not the one who needs the space. What do you think? Any thoughts on any of this?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Your husband is being a baby. I don't believe you would have cheated if he had been more attentive. what is the point of you being all contrite and guilty, for him to be just as cold as before. The only difference is that now he feels justified.

If you had higher self esteem in the first place, you would have left him in no doubt about your need years ago. He will miss you when you are gone, off that I am certain. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him he is on the verge of getting what he keeps asking for.

As for the house, you should never let material things come in the way of what you want out of a relationship.


----------

