# Would you say this to an ex?



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

H told me he said this to his ex recently " I wish I had known you were divorced"
I asked him what he would have done and he said he won't tell me what he would have done.

Brief background: We are married for 17 years and have 2 daughters. Our's was an arranged marriage. H loved a girl in college but she married someone else. I thought it was a crush because they didn't have a real relationship and it was one-sided love/infatuation H had. She got divorced and married another guy before I married my H. My husband had no contact with her after college but they recently connected.


When they first talked, he told her he wished he knew she was divorced.
I was/am not happy he said this along with other things that bothered me (he told her he still has feelings for her and loves her). I told him how I felt, he downplayed it and said I don't understand but it is a guy thing and he HAD to say it :scratchhead:

Help me understand what that guy thing is. What am I missing?


----------



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

That's *not* a "guy thing". That's a cop-out.

It's also wildly inappropriate. You're right for being annoyed by this.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He wouldn't tell you what he would have done?

Wtf.

He's in an affair...even if just in his mind.

So stupid. I hate when people say, "I still have feelings for you." and it's been an ex and years have gone by. They don't have FEELINGS for THAT PERSON. they have feelings for someone 20 years ago...big difference.


----------



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Nancy, I'd hate to play Devil's Advocate here, but let's say for sake of argument that nothing is happening and he's just made a bad statement.

Tread very, VERY carefully. Don't assume it's an affair just yet. 

If it ends up being one, then you have actions to take.


----------



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

Thanks for your input SkyHigh and that_girl.

I'm hoping it's not an affair. I'm confused though, at what point is it called an affair?

Thankfully she is several states away, so definitely no physical contact. Coming from a very conservative culture, I don't think it will get that far. They used to talk over the phone once a month or so. But I can tell that she was on his mind a lot.

After I've expressed concerns, I think he stopped contact for a while, although I'm having a bad feeling this week. He changed the password for his email this week and did things that reminded of her.

He used to tell me bits and pieces of their conversations. Maybe his way of justifying that he is not hiding it from me.

But he has said things like "True love happens only once" (implying her). He used to blush and be very happy when he talks to her. According to him, if a man loves someone once he will always love her. When I asked him if he loves me, he fed me this line as well..eeew !

I don't know what to call their relationship but it has shaken up my world. I am seriously analyzing his past behavior with me. Maybe I'm the one who is rewriting history. But there have been episodes of 6 month periods when he used to be disconnected from me, behaving like a roommate etc. All this was before her though. Now, I'm starting to doubt if he ever had that passion for me or if he settled. Having an arranged marriage isn't helping my feelings now because I don't know if he ever loved me.

Again, how do I know if he truly loves me? I'm going in circles, and these doubts are not going away. I don't think I will get an honest answer from him or maybe at this point I don't trust him even if he is being honest.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

You had an arranged marriage, so I guess I am wondering what love has to do with it? Anyways, he is wrong about loving only one person, but most of all he is wrong in that he is not respecting you.


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

Wow, what man would say that his present wife. and then to dismiss your feelings and telling you its a guy thing is bologna... 

It seems he was indicating he would have pursued her had he known she was single...

What you are missing, is the respect you deserve..... 

I am so sorry he said that to you... You did not deserve to hear that or be treated that way... He is your H and supposed to love and cherish you!


----------



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> You had an arranged marriage, so I guess I am wondering what love has to do with it? Anyways, he is wrong about loving only one person, but most of all he is wrong in that he is not respecting you.


The premise of arranged marriage is you will grow to love your spouse. Some people might not develop love, and I'm saddened that I might be one of them. 

Going into the marriage I knew I should love my spouse. Maybe it is the way I disciplined my mind or maybe I liked him so much from the beginning, I was crazy about him until all this started. To the point where I still get butterflies if he looked me in the eye. 

I'm OK with him not loving me in the beginning, but he recently told me he only started loving me in the last few years. This hurt me bad.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

He is malicious and cruel. 

There are wives that would put an ice pick in his ear while he was sleeping for something so disrespectful.


----------



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

nancy.ramos said:


> The premise of arranged marriage is you will grow to love your spouse. Some people might not develop love, and I'm saddened that I might be one of them.
> 
> Going into the marriage I knew I should love my spouse. Maybe it is the way I disciplined my mind or maybe I liked him so much from the beginning, I was crazy about him until all this started. To the point where I still get butterflies if he looked me in the eye.
> 
> I'm OK with him not loving me in the beginning, but he recently told me he only started loving me in the last few years. This hurt me bad.


The premise of any marriage is a union and deep commitment between two individuals.

Clearly, only one of you feels that way. I'm rescinding my previous statement.

Just because you are in an arranged marriage doesn't mean that you can be treated the way you are.


----------



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

torani said:


> Wow, what man would say that his present wife. and then to dismiss your feelings and telling you its a guy thing is bologna...
> 
> It seems he was indicating he would have pursued her had he known she was single...
> 
> ...


I agree that he doesn't respect me. There are many many many other examples that made me realize he doesn't respect me. This respect issue is getting bigger and bigger. When I try to bring it up with him he doesn't agree, obviously. 
However, every time her topic comes he starts of with how much he respects her ...how that poor woman is dragged into dirt because I'm blowing this up. Mind you, I have NEVER blamed or said one negative thing about her. The only thing I said was, I would not let another married man say these things to me.

Her coming into the picture made me evaluate our relationship and the issues go beyond this. Whenever I communicated those issues, he used to turn those around on me. 

I'm seriously contemplating seperation. I'm terrified of it though and I love him very much. Seperation and divorce are unheard of in my and his family. Anyone who knows us IRL would say I'm crazy. And I'm back to my confused state.

How do I handle this? Am I making this bigger than it really is?


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

nancy.ramos said:


> How do I handle this?


First, stop discussing/arguing. 

Lay down your terms and stop talking. The terms must have consequences you are willing to follow through with. 

Discussing just allows him to manipulate you with guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the victim, etc. So for example: show me respect or I leave. 

No explaining. He knows what respect is. He knows he isn't giving it to you. The only explanation worth giving is "that is my decision".


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

nancy.ramos said:


> H told me he said this to his ex recently " I wish I had known you were divorced"
> I asked him what he would have done and he said he won't tell me what he would have done.
> 
> Brief background: We are married for 17 years and have 2 daughters. Our's was an arranged marriage. H loved a girl in college but she married someone else. I thought it was a crush because they didn't have a real relationship and it was one-sided love/infatuation H had. She got divorced and married another guy before I married my H. My husband had no contact with her after college but they recently connected.
> ...


I'm a guy. A pretty good one actually.

This is NO guy thing.

I think this falls under

Moron-Thing
or possibly
Idiot-Thing

It DEFINITELY is a 

Noncaring-Borish-Selfish----THING


----------

