# probable divorce



## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

my wife is upset and i would hope she is speaking out of anger.

she told me she hates me and wants a divorce.


i love her, but if she's truly that unhappy so be it.

the BIG problem is that i have 3 beautiful children, 15, 14, and 10.
although difficult, i believe the 14 and 15 year old would be able to deal with the situation, but not so easy for my 10 year old boy. he is the emotional and affectionate type and would be devastated.

any advice on how to talk to my children? they mean the world to me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why does she say she hates you?


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## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

i have been married for 18 years.
my in laws are from mexico and a brother in-law asked 10 years ago to allow his wife stay with us for two months so that she can give birth to their child. i accepted and she came with their first born as well at did her thing and went back home. 5 years ago they asked to do the same and i said no. perhaps the wrong answer, but i was resentful because she was going to come now with 2 children while my brother in-law stayed back in mexico to live the single life while i took care of his family for three months. i said at the time that she can come, but to have the two children stay with the father and have their grandmother take care of them while he was at work. that apparently was not an option so the third child was born in mexico.
now here is the problem...
no matter how much time goes by, (6 years) my wife will every once in a while bring it up and get angry thus resulting in the silent treatment, ignoring me, not cooking, to name a few things. she usually brings this issue up when my family who i do not see often wants to come around.
in general i do not like to argue with my wife as i would not want to say something i do not mean out of anger and i definitely do not want my children to see us yell or argue. i will admit when i am wrong and will just wait out the storm so to speak.
yesterday was another episode because my brother wants to coming by for Easter. i apologized to her AGAIN and said i was sorry for not allowing her brothers wife to come give birth and stay in our home and that i was wrong in doing so. 
nonetheless i am in the same situation with the whole silent treatment and all.
what to do? i am not out of love with my wife, but this is getting very old and she doesn't seem to want to drop it.
I am 43 and she is 40..., yet i think she is acting a bit immature.


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## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

this is why


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Hmmm.....does your wife work? Did she help take care of her sister-in-law, first child and baby, etc.? Was the reason for having the babies born in the US so they could be citizens? 

Tough one. I can't blame you for feeling the way you felt/feel. But I guess it kinda depends on how much of a burden it actually was for you, financially, logistically, etc. and how much she did or didn't help.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

So, it was unacceptable for the husband to take care of his two children while, his wife gave birth? I don't think this is an unreasonable alternative. 

I really believe there was much more going on behind the scenes here. Your wife, brings this up over and over again, because her family keeps bringing it up to her. Ulterior motives of some sort?


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## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

no she does not work. and yes so that they may be u.s. citizens.
i have apologized multiple times for this and it keeps surfacing at least once a year.


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## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

@ toonaive...
i also suspect that.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I would suggest marriage counselling. You still love your wife, you have 3 lovely children who would be deeply affected by the divorce, and your wife feels resentment toward you. Nothing that can't be talked through (hopefully) in counselling, and maybe you'd end up with a better outcome than divorce...


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

HATE is such a strong word!

IT sounds like she is angry!

We need to find out why she is so angry at you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mpangels said:


> my wife is upset and i would hope she is speaking out of anger.
> 
> she told me she hates me and wants a divorce.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she is speaking out of anger. I guess she would be shocked if you called her bluff and said go ahead, let's divorce. If she is of Mexican origin, family to them means everything and the expectations set are very high. Are you Mexican also or of a different culture? I guess you have to have a heart to heart with her, sounds like she is getting a lot of flak from Mexico on this and you are in the firing line. You must now, put your foot down as the past cannot be changed. tell your wife that it is not your responsibility to take care of another man's family, citizen issues etc, you did it so many times already. If she wants to continue with the behavior over something in the past and is not willing to move past it then she is doing a lot of damage to the marriage and what she is threatening may come to pass. She sounds full of resentment. Hear her out but she is pushing the limits as I can understand why you did what you did. Give them an inch they take a mile sort of thing. Perhaps you need to read the No More Mr Nice Guy


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In laws of Asian and Hispanic cultures (dont mean to offend) can be very demanding and puzzling to Americans and Europeans. The expectations of their in laws are sometimes high and out of line from the point of view of an American or European. I have experienced this interference/expectations with my Asian in laws and it can be frustrating.


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## mpangels (Mar 30, 2015)

yes, i to am of mexican origin. 
she is full of anger and will not even take my phone calls when i phone to check up on the kids. 
now she is pleading her case to our children and it makes me uneasy. i never like to argue or anything in front of the kids. i choose for them not to have to hear or become emotionally scarred with things they may hear or misinterpret.
when my two older children tell her she is wrong after hearing her story and tell her to not make them choose sides she gets angry at them. my youngest ran to the closet to cry when she seen the two older siblings break down and cry.
all this happens when i am not home.
she is unapproachable right now and will not even want to have a conversation.
becoming very uncomfortable with the entire situation.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would fight for the marriage to stay intact and not give in to her. Let her know if you get divorced, it's going to be messy. If you just lay down and let her have everything, she'll obviously take it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mpangels said:


> yes, i to am of mexican origin.
> she is full of anger and will not even take my phone calls when i phone to check up on the kids.
> now she is pleading her case to our children and it makes me uneasy. i never like to argue or anything in front of the kids. i choose for them not to have to hear or become emotionally scarred with things they may hear or misinterpret.
> when my two older children tell her she is wrong after hearing her story and tell her to not make them choose sides she gets angry at them. my youngest ran to the closet to cry when she seen the two older siblings break down and cry.
> ...


Sit her down and put both your cards on the table. Where her resentment is coming from, why you handled the situation the way you did. Find out if her family are egging her on and giving her a hard time over it. Tell her that you can continue with the anger resentment etc and it will surely end in D or you can both try and sort through the emotions, forgive and move on. She is not treating the kids very well in this, why should they be asked to gang up against their father. Time to take the lead I'm afraid, in a loving but firm way of course.


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