# Help, I don't know what do anymore



## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

I’ve known this site for two years but never dare writing. Now, I’m desperate and really don’t know what do nor think.
To make it short, two years ago, I discovered that my husband had an affair with one of her workmate. He also had a short EA five years ago, even if he doesn’t consider at such, I do. We’ve been together for 18 year (married 14) and have two kids.
He is a very good father and a bright, intelligent good man with a big heart, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for kids or his friend. I say that from the bottom of my heart, because it’s true. I’m not an easy person, I’m stubborn and proud like hell, and when someone I care, break my trust, I do not forget nor forgive. And as if it wasn’t enough not only I’m a bit paranoid but also I have a big ability to feel guilty and all that doesn’t help our situation.
He says that he loves me, that he doesn’t know what to do because what he does will me upset, that whatever he does it’s to make me happy, that he wants me to be happy and as I don’t do anything to be happy, he tries his best to figure out what will make me happy. That in order to be happy, I should let him in, talk to him. That I should trust him in little things, that I should believe that he’s not hiding anything when he says nice things. When he tells me this, there’s a tiny part of me that believe he is genuine when he says so, but I just don’t trust him, I just can’t. Whenever, he says something like “I’m beautiful, that he loves me or that he is happy with me”, the first thing comes in my mind, most of the is “ but it didn’t stop you to have sex with her”, I do my best not say that as it’s hurtful, but I always end up saying something like “ yeah right “, “what do you want?” “ What did you do?” or worse I don’t say anything but I guess my face is like an open book… I just can’t control myself.
It’s like the other week, the kids and I, came with him to his business trip. It was the first time that the kids came to the States and saw their Dad at work, so he was all happy and excited. I must admit I was happy to see him and the kids happy. But for the first hour, I wasn’t able to control my feelings; this hotel (booked by the company, he cannot choose) was one of the hotels where he had his affair. And for a while, I started wondering if he came in her room on his own and have the time to think that he shouldn’t do it or, if they came together and didn’t care about their respective spouses. Then I was horrified thinking, that our room may be the room were they had sex. My husband reproach me that I wasn’t able to hide those feelings, that I should fight them and show that want us to be happy. How can I do that? I know deep down he think that it was two years ago, and should stop thinking about it and focus on us. But how do I do that? How on earth am I supposed to move on? I hate myself because I put him through a lot; I’m rather cold and barely talkative and show little enthusiasm. I hate myself because I’m not the mom I used to be and although to my best to change it is not enough, they always notice when I’m depress even thus I tried to hide it. I hate myself because it’s been two years, and I’m still stuck where I was.
I’ve got the impression that no matter what I do, it’s wrong. I feel guilty, because I’m unable to give what people expect me to give. 
Whenever I get angry, he drives me nuts because he asks me to low my voice and not to shout so at the end I cannot shout, cannot show how I feel and if I write him he doesn’t write me back. I feel trapped then guilty.
What am I supposed to do? I became a person that I hate, today I looked at his phone without asking, which obviously he pissed him off, and I shouldn’t have done it. The other day I send him an angry text because it was 5am and he didn’t came back home, I know I’m not his mom, but I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t think I can’t take it anymore; I just want things to stop. 

There are two sides in a story, and I’m pretty sure that he won’t see the things the way I do. Except with the fact, that I’m angry or cold most of the time. There is a huge lack of communication and comprehension between us.

I would appreciate any of your opinion and your experience; I would also like to know if my reaction is way too out of proportion.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Did you make a proper R? MC? IC?

Depending on the person and the Affair magnitude, trust issues can take more than 2 years.


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

We did one session (4hours) of MC o, and she said that we didn't really need anymore, as it was obvious that we wanted to be together and we probably didn't need it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're still feelng this way two years later, I'm guessing that you guys should look into getting more help. But why didn't he come home the other night?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

There are several steps a BS will go through after DD,

As there are several things WS should do in order to help BS to heal.

Read this post from other thread



Thorburn said:


> PLEASE READ THIS AND UNDERSTAND IT:
> 
> I have thought about posting this for some time now. It is not original to me, and chances are that many here have already seen this. It is from another forum (that can be found by searching on the title of this thread). If you go to that forum/thread, the person posting this says that they do not know its origin - but deep within the tread the original author/poster who put this together comes forth and says that they have no problem with it being distributed. I presume that to be true.
> 
> ...


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

PBear you are probably right, but he doesn't really that they have the answer. Going in MC was my idea, he only accepted because I wanted it.
He was with his best friend having a drink (well more than one)


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

Suspecting2014 thank you I'm going to read it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sisuki said:


> PBear you are probably right, but he doesn't really that they have the answer. Going in MC was my idea, he only accepted because I wanted it.
> He was with his best friend having a drink (well more than one)


If he won't go, then you need to go on your own. The resentments are festering in you, and they're not going to heal on their own. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you feel guilt for his affair ? Do you think you pushed him into it ?

How long did the affair go on ? How did you find out ?

Does the woman's husband know ?


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

```
Do you feel guilt for his affair
```
No, I don't feel guilty for the affair. I feel like an idiot actually. As for the last few years, I kept on telling him that things weren’t ok between us and we should try to solve it but he kept on saying that everything was fine, that it was just my imagination.

```
How long did the affair go on ? How did you find out ?Does the woman's husband know ?
```
I know about the affair, because the OWH found out and forced my husband to tell me. My husband got scared, I guess, and literally drop the bomb to me, out of the blue and told me he had a one night of stand when in reality he slept with her several nights over 4 months. I know that because the OWH was on the phone yelling me the truth then passed me the OW to confirm that it was more than a night (my husband during all the time kept on saying it was just one night until it was obvious that it was useless). Later, it turned out that the OWH was cheating on his wife for last 8 months and was thinking on leaving her, so he couldn't really reproach anything to his wife, so he kept on picking on my husband and making things worse between us. One day, I got really pissed as I never said anything to his wife so I called and remind him that rather he wanted or not, his wife was the one who cheated on him and he did cheated on her and that they should deal with it between them, and leave us deal with our marriage. He agreed and stopped sending text to my husband.


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

```
If he won't go, then you need to go on your own. The resentments are festering in you, and they're not going to heal on their own.
```
it's true, I guess I'm scared to go but don't have to much choices now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sisuki said:


> We did one session (4hours) of MC o, and she said that we didn't really need anymore, as it was obvious that we wanted to be together and we probably didn't need it.


Really? That doesn't sound like any relationship counsellor I have ever heard of.:scratchhead:

Very weird behaviour on her part. And very poor, extremely unprofessional advice.

In my opinion you both need counselling, relationship and individual.


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

First time, I ever been to a councilor, so I wouldn't be able to to tell :scratchhead:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Use the quote tag not the html tag

It works better.



sisuki said:


> Whenever I get angry, he drives me nuts because he asks me to low my voice and not to shout so at the end I cannot shout, cannot show how I feel and if I write him he doesn’t write me back.


When you write him he doesn't write back? He ignores you? he doesn't "allow you" to vent your feelings? Doesn't sound like the response of a person who loves you.



sisuki said:


> What am I supposed to do? I became a person that I hate, today I looked at his phone without asking, which obviously he pissed him off, and I shouldn’t have done it.


He cheated on you. You have every right to look at his phone, his emails, everything. He has no right to get pissed. He gave up his right to privacy when he cheated on you. Many will argue that there is no privacy at all in a marriage but at the very least a cheater hasn't got any say in the matter. He doesn't sound like a big hearted guy full of love for you, sorry.



sisuki said:


> The other day I send him an angry text because it was 5am and he didn’t came back home


Where was he all night?


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

```
When you write him he doesn't write back? He ignores you? he doesn't "allow you" to vent your feelings? Doesn't sound like the response of a person who loves you.
```
No, he didn’t write back but he doesn’t ignore me, if I want to talk we will talk but doesn’t want me to raise my voice. He doesn’t hold on anger, you can upset him and less than 10 minutes he forget all about it, unlike me if I’m upset I’m worse than a pitbull, I don’t let go…

```
He cheated on you. You have every right to look at his phone, his emails, everything. He has no right to get pissed. He gave up his right to privacy when he cheated on you. Many will argue that there is no privacy at all in a marriage but at the very least a cheater hasn't got any say in the matter. He doesn't sound like a big hearted guy full of love for you, sorry.
```
I’m not going to justify the fact that he got pissed, if I looked at his phone, it’s because I don’t trust him as he cheated on me; if he doesn’t like it, I don’t give a... But what I can’t stand, it’s that need that I had to check on his phone without telling him, or knowing where he’s been, what he said… I think it’s pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself, sometimes I just want to stop caring, I don’t want to feel anything, it just painful. He's s not perfect but he is a good man.


```
Where was he all night?
```
He was with his best friend having a beer


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

sisuki said:


> He was with his best friend having a beer


You know this for a fact? Or are you going only by what he told you?

Yeah that's what I thought. 

Eyes open


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## sisuki (Jul 7, 2014)

```
You know this for a fact? Or are you going only by what he told you?

Yeah that's what I thought. 

Eyes open
```
I know it for a fact and picture.


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