# Wife want space



## lostwithlove (May 13, 2012)

Hello all, this is my first time on this anyway here goes I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 2 1/2 years, we have two girls aged 2 and 12. My wife told me about two weeks ago she no longer has feelings for me and wants some space to sort her head out. The reasons for this are that our fist child was born when she was 18 and we had only been together 9 months when she got pregenant and she has only told me now that she had wanted an abortion, after the child was born we split for 9 months as she felt to young to be tied down, also about ten years ago I was messing around with another girl but never slept with her my wife knew about this at the time but didn't know until a month ago we had kissed despite repeatdly asking me even just before our wedding to lay all the cards on the table. She has also just stopped smoking cannabis after 15 yrs and is suffering depression due to this and old feelings from both the relationship and her child hood have hit her hard. She has been to counselling for this and has now relised that as she is hitting thirty she is regretting not doing things in her life that she has seen her friends do.And to top it all off I don't satisfy her sexually.
I love her to bits and am really sorry for hurting her in the past and don't want to lose her and have agreed to move out to help her sort her head out. I have told her how I feel and have made more of an effort to help out which she has noticed. I know for a fact that there is no one else.
She also still undresses in front off me but has not worn her wedding ring for over a month.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She wants space, ring off, you're not fulfilling her sexually = perfect recipe for an affair.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Who is the other man?

If she wants space, she should move out. She is the one with the issues. You are positioning yourself badly if you end up divorcing by not being in the house.

You are also facilitating the affaiir you are going to learn about soon by being out of the house.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I really think you need to realize that if she isn't in a affair is about to be. But I think she is seeing someone at least emotionally. Perhaps this guy in fact for her to give up pot for him?

but he dredging up a list of old hurts and resentments, taking off the ring, making changes in her behavior. All indicate an affair is in the mix. 

Is she hiding her phone? Is it locked? Is she a FB user? 

oh and the I love you, but I don't love you == I no longer have feeling for you == I'm chasing someone else.

Her wanting space == her looking to move ahead in a affair. Sorry but 99.9999% of the time that is what everything you have described means.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Posse said:


> Who is the other man?


99.99999% of the time a wife asks her husband for "space" she`s either in an affair or setting one up.

Figure out who it is.

Why did she quit pot after so long?
The answer could be a clue to who the OM is.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tell her to get her purse and find her driver's licence, it will have all the information there as to who she is. 

Gezzzz! Your kidding aren't you? 

She no longer wants to be married. Takes off her ring to let the world know. Tells you she doesn't love you anymore. 
She's the one breaking up the family, not you. Let her leave the family home if she doesn't want to be married. 

Reach down, grab your balls and tell her NO WAY. Bet she'll have a hissy fit when you tell her that and ruin her plans to screw you over.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can move back in, claim your home, and tell her that you want to work on the marriage in a positive way and you can't do that by moving out. Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. 

She is free to move out if she chooses, but she has no right at all to ask you to leave, or to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong and guilt you into leaving.


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## lostwithlove (May 13, 2012)

The house is on her name and she doesnt want to go to counselling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

There is someone else in your relationship. You cannot work on your marriage while there is an affair going on. At the very least you have to validate for certain that there is not OM. BUT this sounds like there is or will be shortly. 

Do not leave the home and do not give her this space by separating. Having no ring on is her way of asking for an open marriage likely in preparation to just leave you.

This could already have gone to a PA.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LWL, sorry you are here. You know it is an affair and are afraid to confront it. Doesn't technically matter whose house the name is in, its your home too and you have every legal right to live their until you sign a separation agreement or a judge orders you out.

The reasons your W gave you for wanting to end it are all highly exaggerated and embellished, she probably believes those too because she is in an affair for and is rewriting her emotional history of the marriage. Put voice activated recorder (VAR) and a GPA tracker in her car and find out who the OM is, get whatever you can from her phone records, computer history, phone backups, and when you start finding stuff do not confront until you get all the truth for yourself - don't let her control the breakdown of your marriage with her trickle truth. Whatever you do right now is not "controlling" it desperately trying to keep your marriage in tact - and either way its all you can do.

Once you have the details and the identity of the OM expose the affair to everybody who has a right to the truth - your W's family and friends, the OM's W and his workplace if necessary - go nuclear if you want to have anything left to salvage after this all goes down.

Or if you decide now you wouldn't want to reconcile with a cheater anyway then don't bother digging, assume the worst (because that is probably the truth) and file for divorce. Give her the freedom she's asking for, let her move out, let her go and do the 180.

It is all overwhelming for you right now I'm sure, many of us on this site went through similar ordeals and we are not trying to be bitter or resentful in our advice to you, trying to kick you into gear to save your marriage and/or your own sanity.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you check her text/call logs?

Email and facebook messages?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Does you family live there? Then you do too. 
Unless
1) You have disrespected your marriage and she has fair reason to want you out. 
2) Your OK with her deciding on her own whats going to happen to you and your kids. 
3) You'd rather give her a D and won't fight.

If none of the above. Stay in your house or you will give up your advantage to fight for your marriage.


By the way? Not to say it's so, but are you smoking pot too? After that many years, it's a big step for one to take, breaking free from that lifestyle. She's seeing things that she never saw before...that includes you too. No?


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## lostwithlove (May 13, 2012)

No i dont touch the stuff
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife just found out that you kissed some chick before you married her. She specifically asked you about this woman and you repeatedly lied to her before the wedding. Again, this is old news to you but she only discovered your deception one month ago. The wound is fresh to her and would explain her very odd behavior. She obviously hasn't been forever unhappy with you. She made two kids (many years apart) with you. She's in the midst of counseling which is causing her to confront things. She's going to act a little strange. I wouldn't just immediately assume there's an affair going on. My wife's not having an affair and she says and does strange things all the time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Unbelievable, that is possible that this new evidence triggered her into a betrayed spouse frame of mind. However when a wayward is trying to justify it they will latch onto ANY thing from the past they can to fling back.

My ex, when explaining why our marriage was dead, brought up a time 5 years prior she caught me looking at porn (even though I went cold turkey for her and myself and also in the past couple years she herself came to really enjoy watching porn by herself, I found out) She brought up those few times I turned her down for sex, in the first year of marriage, and said that is why she came to turn me down so many times in the final three years of our marriage. etc.

if she is cheating it is all just bull.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's cheating, she had to first develop the urge to and find a way to rationalize the act to herself. If the marriage died 5 years ago, she'd be taken off her ring 5 years ago and her other current behaviors would have been evidenced back then. Rather than focus on the specific excuses she provided, ask yourself what changed right before her behavior significantly changed. Women often act upon "feelings" and then look for ways to explain their feelings. These explanations may or may not be accurate. They should always be taken seriously, but take them for what they are. When I investigate a crime which involves someone departing wildly from their "norm", I focus on the events closely preceding the departure. There, you will usually find the truth. If there's another guy involved, I bet her behavior change dates coincide with the date they became mutually sexually interested. Everyone has to justify to themselves everything they do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the keylogger and the cell phone log came up empty, there are no strange charges on her credit cards and your W is always accountable.
No late nights at the office and no girls night out. The voice activated recorder you planted in her car came up clean and you haven't found a burner cell.

Is all this correct?
There are no red flags othen needing space?


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## lostwithlove (May 13, 2012)

She has know said she has to many problems and cant handle me talking to her, she just wants peace and quiet. I told her i was not moving out as sepration was the wrong way to go about it, i have also checked her phone bills etc and nothing out of the ordinary. Then when i went to put the child to bed she was straight on the phone to her mate saying he's done this and that and all i want is peace
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Be careful. In most cases there is someone else that has her ear and her heart, but it is not always an affair. The emotional detachment is something very hard to fix, but can be done. Emotional detachments start from resentment and through the help of someone who rather than challenge them on their lost ways will encourage and confirm the foggy thinking.

A Mid Life Crisis can trigger much of this and can happen at nearly any age although more likely in the 40's.

Due dilligence is important without their knowledge of snooping.

It is fixable, but patience, knowledge and a ounce of hope are all required.

The book Divorce Busters helped me alot.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you. Home is where you children are. 
As expected, she had a fit, called her confidant, and whined about you having a say in your family's future. 

I agree with 'This is me', that's good advice, for the next step. I read that book among others, and found it to be a great help. 
Now starts the hard part, patience and perseverance.

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

Good Luck


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Next time she shoots her mouth off about all the things you did to make her unhappy, shoot back and tell her she is 50% responsible fior the state of the marriage. Tell her to put her effort where her mouth is and go to counseling with you. If she is unwilling to work things out then go to counseling yourself and let her know that you are going to try to fight for the marriage.

At least if things do end between the two of you, you can say you tried everything you could and that she was the one who threw the marriage away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostwithlove said:


> The house is on her name and she doesnt want to go to counselling
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are the community property laws where you live? Did she aquire the house before you got married?


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