# Sexless Marriage



## OMG (Jul 9, 2010)

We are married for 8+ yrs and have two kids. Most of our married life is shadowed by disputes and because of that we usually don’t talk and have time together. To make it short I have been requesting for advise on TAM on how to get peace on my marriage and am trying some tips from that. 

Now I want to know how to be active on Sex request from my H when we are not in good terms. I usually refuse his request because I am not be on the mood. I have a felling for sex but not in that way I want him to treat me well to have sex not like a business or a job that must be done……………………..so what do you think am I right or wrong


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To improve my understanding, You are interested in sex but, he has not done the things you want him to do so you turn him down, denying your own needs as well as his?
Or, You are not interested in sex because he has not done the things that fulfill your needs, and help you to be in the mood for sex, so you deny his emotional needs?

You question seems to be How do I act on his requests for sex? Well if you are interested, then you should consider changing the rule you have made about when you will have sex with him. If you are not interested then we have a bigger problem.

MN


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

So you're saying that your husband seems to just act nicely toward you only to get sex, but doesn't treat you well otherwise?

Have you told him this?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How do you manage to feed your kids on the days they upset you? Does your husband go to work on days when he isn't 100% pleased with you? How does he do that?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You are married for 8+ years and have two beautiful children.


You are to take care of your husbands needs (sexual) as your own.


You are not your own anymore because you are his and he is yours.


So if he wants sex with you, you rock his world. Find ways to spice it up and what his fantasies are and do that with him. Never deny him sex for little minor reasons. You should find him hot and sexy and want sex with him.


And he is to take care of your needs whatever they might be. Talk to him. Tell him what turns you on and what your fantasies are and what you want to do and try. Say nothing and you will get nothing.


You can write this all down in a note for him too. Spice it up and always do new things.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I read through some of your previous posts. You can't expect yourself to be having a lot of great sex with the relationship issues you've described. You and your husband need to get in to some marriage counseling and figure out how to communicate first.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You should not have sex with your husband if you feel that he is being disrespectful of you. You should have sex with your husband even if you two might be angry at each other....cause angry sex can be hot! Seriously, having sex is a bonding activity and it can be very helpful to have an honest discussion about ways you two TOGETHER can improve your marriage, while still in each other's arms after sex.

Do not become the kind of wife that requires all things to be perfect before sex can happen. 

A sexually contented man is a malleable man!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OMG said:


> Love it all comments are precious and help me to try. One thing i can't imagine is how could I be able to be good in bed while we are not in good terms just before we go to bed? i create a page Please advice me!! so that i could understand how to be two diffent person in bed and in life because my H usually been nice on the bed and the reveres other times. I belive he is not happy on my rejection of his approch for sex but how could i be interested with somone i couldn't see on the face moments ago??????????????


Now I understand the question.
There are some practical and effective methods to deal with this. In other words how to get from angry to angry sex, or better yet from angry to make up sex. 
Take a shower. Let the hot water wash away the stress.
Take a shower together. Wash away the bad feelings replace it with service (wash each other)
Eat a dessert. Replace anger adrenaline with chocolate isoflavons.
Play. (oh you are such a naughty man to say those things to me . . . .) Laughter will break the spell.
My wife's favorite, Cuddle. Skin to skin contact is healing.
MN


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## OMG (Jul 9, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Now I understand the question.
> There are some practical and effective methods to deal with this. In other words how to get from angry to angry sex, or better yet from angry to make up sex.
> Take a shower. Let the hot water wash away the stress.
> Take a shower together. Wash away the bad feelings replace it with service (wash each other)
> ...


Thanks but I need to try very hard to change my taught of being sexy anytime i am needed. What i want from him is to reverse how he act nicelly after we have sex to before sex so that i can be on similar interest with him. When we have sex he will be diffrent that can be seen to anyone that he want to kiss me on the car and wherever he get's me, calls me frequenttly .......... but that will only exist when Sex and food is provided to him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

OMG said:


> Thanks but I need to try very hard to change my taught of being sexy anytime i am needed. What i want from him is to reverse how he act nicelly after we have sex to before sex so that i can be on similar interest with him. When we have sex he will be diffrent that can be seen to anyone that he want to kiss me on the car and wherever he get's me, calls me frequenttly .......... but that will only exist when Sex and food is provided to him.


I can understand your dilemma. For me, angry sex isn't going to happen. I read those sort of suggestions and I cringe. Maybe it works for some, but it definitely doesn't work for all.

The fact is, you and your husband need to sit down and discuss your visions of what sort of marriage you want. You have to be on the same page. With this in mind, read "Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix and do the exercises in the back. Your DH doesn't need to read the book, but after you've read it, you will have to ask him to participate in the exercises with you. Even if you just do a couple of them, it's a good way to get on the same page.

Next, you have to realise that his good moods are directly related to how much sex he is getting. If he has sex on a regular basis, e.g. once per day, or 4-5 times per week, it depends on the individual as to what feels reasonable to them, then he will be more likely to let the little things slide. The more frustrated he is sexually, the less loved he feels, the less understanding and patient he will be, the more you will fight.

So in regards to having sex when you are in the middle of a fight, you need to sit down with him and tell him that you don't feel close enough with him when you are fighting to have sex. However, you do have to be open to sex when you are on good or even just okay terms with him. Try to initiate more with him when things are good. I think it's unrealistic to expect you to forgive just being treated like garbage by someone and then turn into a hot sexy woman who's all out to please her man. It's not going to happen.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

breeze said:


> *Next, you have to realise that his good moods are directly related to how much sex he is getting.* If he has sex on a regular basis, e.g. once per day, or 4-5 times per week, it depends on the individual as to what feels reasonable to them, then he will be more likely to let the little things slide. The more frustrated he is sexually, the less loved he feels, the less understanding and patient he will be, the more you will fight.
> 
> So in regards to having sex when you are in the middle of a fight, you need to sit down with him and tell him that you don't feel close enough with him when you are fighting to have sex. However, you do have to be open to sex when you are on good or even just okay terms with him. *Try to initiate more with him when things are good.* I think it's unrealistic to expect you to forgive just being treated like garbage by someone and then turn into a hot sexy woman who's all out to please her man. It's not going to happen.


This is good and we are getting closer. But, (big but here) You come to us and say you want to change yourself, But what you really want is for him to change. And you are going about it the wrong way. You are pushing him away to get him closer. You want him to treat you nicer so you withhold intimacy from him. What Breeze is saying and what I am saying are much closer than we all think. Breeze is saying, improve the whole relationship, and the disrespect / bad behavior will stop. I'm saying break the pattern of the bad behavior by substituting new behaviors right at the time. Identify his bad behavior and don't reward it. Identify your own bad behavior (withholding) Own it and fix it. Work together to create a better, healthier pattern. 


breeze said:


> tell him that you don't feel close enough with him when you are fighting to have sex


Do this. Explain it. Also explain that you are attracted to him and you want to be with him, but he has to heal the hurt now. This is not a month long healing, this is a 10 minute healing, one hour at the most. Whatever you need to feel better, he needs to do it with you. My prior suggestions are just a start, use what works for you.

Frustrations happen in every relationship. How you (both) handle frustrations is the difference between success (staying together) and failure.

Now having said all that, I need to add a word of caution. What is happening in your marriage could be the start of an abusive pattern. Changing the pattern can prevent abuse. But if the change isn't happening. If he is resisting making healthy improvements and is becoming more controlling and abusive, Get out. Safety first.
MN


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Assuming you and your husband are in your 20's, he probably has a very strong sex drive. Assuming again, he probably thought that once he got married, he would be getting all the sex he wanted, and for a young man that might be sex every day. So now he's married and he is not getting sex every day. He had expectations of sex every day and it's not happening, this frustrates him and makes him irritable and more likely to argue.

Assuming your expectations upon marriage would be that your husband would always treat you as lovingly and attentively as he did when you two were dating. That your lives together would be romantic, and he would shower you with love and attention. That's not happening because he he is stressed at time, the kids demand a lot of your energy and attention, you're not getting the love and attention from your husband that you thought you would. Your expectations of continued romance and loving attention from your husband aren't happening and that makes you irritable and more likely to argue, and less likely to want to have sex with him.

I read your other thread. The silent treatment you two give each other has to stop immediately! It is childish and passive aggressive. Is he giving you the silent treatment because he isn't getting sex or for other reasons? Why does he normally become angry with you?

You must not become silent and withdrawn from him when you are angry with him. You must find a way to tell him, "when you said or did this, I felt very hurt and disrespected. When you treat me disrespectfully I don't feel loving toward you. I WANT to feel loving toward you."

Do you and your husband ever apologize to each other? What does it take for either of you to apologize? Being able to apologize is important for each of you. No one can expect perfection from their spouse, but you can expect apologies when needed.


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## OMG (Jul 9, 2010)

Thank you all for your good advises. I will do my best to improve everything from my part to have a pleasenet sex life. My current fear is because of all these I become less interested to have sex so is their any tip for a better sex life in marriage after such up and downs. I really want to have a happy marriage and would like to do all i can to satisfy my H. Plese help me...........


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

OMG said:


> Thank you all for your good advises. I will do my best to improve everything from my part to have a pleasenet sex life. My current fear is because of all these I become less interested to have sex so is their any tip for a better sex life in marriage after such up and downs. I really want to have a happy marriage and would like to do all i can to satisfy my H. Plese help me...........


Think of it like this, if you keep cutting yourself, putting a band-aid on the cuts doesn't stop the fact that you keep cutting yourself. There might be some good suggestions for band-aids to use, but ultimately, there is no solution for you except to work on your marriage overall. That's where reading books and doing your research on how to build a successful marriage comes into play. You may get some good pointers here, but you have to follow them up or it's pointless.

The one band-aid solution I have for you right now is to suck it up. You may not feel like sex very often, for various reasons (and there will always be reasons for an up and down sex drive), but make the effort anyway. If you're not enjoying the end result, that's different, but if your main complaint is not feeling like starting because you argued with your DH yesterday, well, that's like saying "my car broke down yesterday, so I'm irritated with it and won't fill it up with fuel today". All that will do is make matters worse.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

It sounds like you are taking responsibility for someone else's (husbands) unacceptable treatment. If you go ahead and start taking the blame after being disrespected he'll only lose respect even more. He treats you bad and then you try harder - that encourages him to treat you even worse. He's the one who needs to sort it out and try harder. Sorry I don't have any advice on what to do but first recognize that there is little respect here And that's not ok
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lots of good advice. One important thing to realize is that the success of your marriage and sexual relationship is not up to you alone. If your husband is respectful and loving only when he wants sex then that is not OK. Meeting needs needs to be mutual and equal. Your need to feel secure that he loves and cares about you is as important as his needs. Never give more than you get. You will eventually resent your husband and not want to have sex with him. 

Look for balance in the relationship. Be very clear and explicit about what you need to feel emotionally close to him. If he loves you, he will be glad to show you.


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

Change the game, have a month of the best sex ever and I bet you he will bend over backwards for you.


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