# A year out



## gr171 (Jun 12, 2014)

I posted this in another forum and realized it ahould have been here. It has been almost a year since my wife found out I had am affair. We have been going to a therapist after she agreed to try to work things out with me. It has been a rocky road. I am not proud of what I did and it is not something I would ever do again. Things are going pretty well right now with us. I just have a question I wanted to put out there. When we have sex, she is not wanting to go down on me anymore. I haven't talked to her about this, but I know why she doesn't. It has to do with some of the questions she asked me when she first found out. I don't know if this is something she will never want to do again, or just still doesn't feel comfortable. I go down on her and miss her doing that to me. I understand why she doesn't, and feel bad for worrying that she will never do it again. I don't know if this is something I should mention to her or not. I would appreciate some input on this.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Only she can answer. She will only do with you what she feels comfortable enough doing. You need to talk it out with her, and be braced as you might find out that she is having issues just doing what she currently is with you and might be feeling put out even doing that!!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Would you go down on her if she slept with another man and didn't use a condom? It's all psychological but you cheated, the price you pay.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Chalk it up to the consequences of the extreme damage you caused her. Someone on the forum should copy the phases and feelings a betrayed spouse goes through.

She mourns for what was that will never be again. You need to redouble your effort to earn her trust and love. Count yourself lucky you are still with her. It is a gift she gave you in advance and can be revoked at anytime. And you worry about BJs...?

You have a lot of work ahead of you. More than you know. Keep up the good work. Let her know you regret what you did in so many ways. Swear to yourself you will never be in a situation like that ever. It is pure evil and toxic to you and her. Keep working on yourself. 

Best of luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

171... Sorry if this is harsh, but if I knew my man's sacred "parts" (which I have always viewed as ALL MINE) were in another woman's mouth, I would probably never venture near there again.  Complete betrayal of what belongs to "me"...

Hence, the ugliness of infidelity. That's why reconciliation is SO HARD, and often doesn't work.  But you already know this...

Your pain is palpable in your post. I'm sorry for what you have lost. I hope you two can work it out.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

gr171 said:


> I posted this in another forum and realized it ahould have been here. It has been almost a year since my wife found out I had am affair. We have been going to a therapist after she agreed to try to work things out with me. It has been a rocky road. I am not proud of what I did and it is not something I would ever do again. Things are going pretty well right now with us. I just have a question I wanted to put out there. When we have sex, she is not wanting to go down on me anymore. I haven't talked to her about this, but I know why she doesn't. It has to do with some of the questions she asked me when she first found out. I don't know if this is something she will never want to do again, or just still doesn't feel comfortable. I go down on her and miss her doing that to me. I understand why she doesn't, and feel bad for worrying that she will never do it again. I don't know if this is something I should mention to her or not. I would appreciate some input on this.


Is there not something obvious that jumps out at you? What did you do with that thing? Where has it been?

Its not quite like shoving it in a pie, you know. Seems completely understandable to me. You've heard of beggars and choosers?

(Yes, that is a disgusting movie, but thought the image was apt.)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Based in the way you skirt any details that might make you look bad, and the fact that you're only a year out, I'll say that you should keep your mouth shut and be happy for what you get. Over time, what you get may improve. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm having a hard time (no pun) buying this thread.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

That may be something that comes back and it may not. It is very difficult to say, do you think it's something you should bring up? In my own mind, it seems that it is good that you are being intimate at all at this point. Betrayal is not easy to overcome. What does your therapist say? Do you have any individual counseling to go along with couples counseling?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

The timetable for any sexual things your BW does or does not do is entirely up to her. Remember, YOU CHEATED, not her !

She is giving you the GIFT of R. Only 1 year out and you are worrying about oral ? SERIOUSLY ??

Go read some threads in the SIM section where guys languish for YEARS in sexless marriages where they didn't cheat.

You sound like you are asking the age old cheater question of : " When will they just get over it ?"

You should kiss the ground that she didn't D you, and that she is even having sex with you on a regular basis.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you and your wife been tested for STDs? If not, do so right away. 

And do not pressure her in any way to do what you want her to.

A year is hardly enough time for someone to get over (no body really does, it's just an expression) what you did with someone else.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I think you can work this one out for yourself sunshine - good luck.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Behave yourself and have patience...that's all you can do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree with Barbados. 

You're moaning and whining because you ripped your wife's heart out a year ago, stomped on it and left it quivering in a pool of blood.....and she won't polish your wood? Are you serious? 

Dude... you are damn lucky you are not living in a roach infested studio loft over a sleazy bar somewhere, munching Raviolis from a can and beating off to porn because your wife kicked you to the curb a year ago. You are damn lucky to still have her, and still have your family. 

Satisfying your base, sexual, animalistic needs is what caused your affair and got you in this mess in the first place. Be glad your wife even allows you to wash your clothes in the same washing machine with hers. 

Grow the fvck up and be grateful you're still married.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

gr171,

Tough Crowd, no...

HEAR THIS... Cheating on your spouse is a very close second to Murder. Very Close. In a very real sense you have Murdered your Marriage. 

You forever, until you part ways "get no say ever again"... about anything. Not fair? Suck-It. If you don't like it, then file.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Wow this really sucks. Oops, I guess it doesn't. It really blows. Oops I guess it doesn't do that either.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Stevenj said:


> Wow this really sucks. Oops, I guess it doesn't. It really blows. Oops I guess it doesn't do that either.


I was drinking chocolate milk when I read this and didn't know whether to spit or swallow.

Good luck OP. If you ever get your gift back, make sure not to spoil it again.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Maybe it's just me, but I think you should just ask her. Seriously. Not communicating is what gets couples in this kind of crap in the first place. You don't have to just talk about that, think about whatever else is bothering you and sit down and freaking talk about it. Maybe start by asking HER if she needs to talk about anything. Just don't be afraid of her answers, they may hurt. I ask my ww all the time if anything is bothering her or if she wants to talk about anything. I don't always give her the answer she wants to hear, but sometimes it an easy fix. You can't spend the rest of your marriage guessing in you head what your wife is thinking. You better learn to talk.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I think there is going to have to be WAY MORE ass kissing before you even have a CHANCE at another BJ. Put in the heavy lifting, maybe she will come around


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

I think u need to take what you can get


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It's a bit early to be making demands, and I'd understand if she never wanted to put the other woman into her mouth, but Harry has a point. If this is important to him, then he should at least talk to her. He shouldn't expect the outcome he wants, but these things do have a way of festering and boiling over if they're not discussed. She might have something festering inside of her as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior has consequences. not only have you lost out on getting oral, but you have lost all your privacy I bet?

At the end of the day you lost a lot more for some bull crap that really wasn't all that worth it?

You can't do it over , but you can do better, and then maybe she throws you a bone .


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Privacy should have never been a concern in a marriage. It really has no place in a good marriage in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The very first thing I asked my H after I found out about his affair was, "Did you even stop to think that maybe I would like to have sex again?" He assumed I would have ZERO problem letting him put his junk back into to me!!!!!! 

This believe it or not, has been a huge issue in the R since it's all started... 

OP, you better get a reality check.


-sammy


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

gr171 said:


> When we have sex, she is not wanting to go down on me anymore. I haven't talked to her about this, but I know why she doesn't.


1. Why doesn't she want to?

2. And why not talking?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> The very first thing I asked my H after I found out about his affair was, "Did you even stop to think that maybe I would like to have sex again?" He assumed I would have ZERO problem letting him put his junk back into to me!!!!!!
> 
> This believe it or not, has been a huge issue in the R since it's all started...
> 
> ...


Since we seem to have sunk the OPs boat, I'll state that I completely understand how you feel Sammy. I'm sure you likewise understand how revolted and disgusted many men feel at the thought of another man in their wife.

Its enough to drive you nuts, drive you to drink, drive you to avoid sex, or drive you to the POSOM's office and watch him run like a little girl.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> The very first thing I asked my H after I found out about his affair was, "Did you even stop to think that maybe I would like to have sex again?" He assumed I would have ZERO problem letting him put his junk back into to me!!!!!!
> 
> This believe it or not, has been a huge issue in the R since it's all started...
> 
> ...


Well??? Did he ever get to? You left us in suspense.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Steve... 

3 yrs later, we are still living apart, txting 24/7, in MC, IC, Life coaching, he trying to be as remorseful as he can, me trying to understand... but how do you get past the actual sex act not being a trigger ???? 

-sammy


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