# How long do I have to wait?



## BlindInLuv (Jul 1, 2010)

its been more than 8 months.. if his relationship with the OW. 
no one is helping.. me & my H are living together but not in talking terms to each other.. i mean we don't talk to each other.. we are just room-mates.. 
H is not interested to talk despite my repeated efforts to reconcile. But he is so into the OW that he don't care about me or either our son. 
i'm just keeping faith in god that whatever he has decided for me.. i'm just moving with the flow.. let the destiny drive me to the best possible times.. But when i loose patience.. i just feel like jumping on him with all the questions( that he always avoids).. he doesn't take my calls .. so i've stopped talking to him.. and even giving him any importance.. 
But this is not what i want.. I want my relationship to improve..
How long i have to wait for him to realize the importance of our relationship.. 
MIL says.. let him do what he is doing.. one day he will realize.. when the OW will leave him.. 
But i just loose patience.. when this will happen.. 
I can only console myself with the current situation.. and wait for the destiny to decide the fate of my relationship.. 
But how long do I have to wait?
Please help.. i need suggestions.. i can't just rely on fate alone..


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Stop "going with the flow" and do something. Waiting is killing your opportunity. Be kind and say "Our son and I deserve a happier life, we would like to have you in it, but it seems your attention is else where." Then start making plans, create a happy life for you and your son regardless if he is in it or not. When he sees that you are moving on happily without him, he will either feel left out and want to work things out, or he'll move on too. Either way is going to be happier and healthier for you than this self imposed hell you've put you and your son in. Your husband has things the way he wants them - his family and his OW, why would he change if you don't?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> But how long do I have to wait?


What on earth are you waiting _for_? The longer you wait, the stronger the bond between your spouse and the Other Person grows. Is there some reason you want this?

Why affairs start.

Four things to do when you discover an affair.

Seven step to take to end an affair.

You have work to do - unless you prefer waiting for your spouse to hurt you more....

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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - Somewhat Damaged
via FoxyTunes


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## BlindInLuv (Jul 1, 2010)

@HappyHer.. I tried my level best to tell this to him.. but he says who are you to tell me what to do..? he says i will only do what i want.. Yes definately i have to impove on my life.. for myself and my son..

@Tanelornpete, the OW is unmarried and she would marry one day.(for sure).. of she would pester my H to marry her.. which he is not going to do.. as we are not separated yet.. and have not started the procedure.. in fact whenever I asked him about divorce.. he says.. u do what u want to do.. when i will decide i will let u know.. also he doesn't want our relatives to know this about him.. I'm giving him time to realize.. I don't want to decide anything in jiffy and regret later.. I'm improving on my behavior.. 
I have stopped talking to him( both F2F and on Phone).. 
I do feel the urge to talk to him.. but then at the back of my mind i know he is not going to understand.. (I'm keeping my patience).. I know his bond is getting stronger with her.. I don't know I'm doing justice with the current situation or not.. 
I also understand that he is having an emotional affair with the other woman.. but once he loved me and then we got married. if he can do this with the one who he says he loved.. then he can do the same with the OW.
I'm trying to make him insecure.. by ignoring him when he is around.. not calling him when he gets late from work.. 
I'm giving him all the space in the world to be with the OW. cause for the past 8 months i was after him.. like where is he.. what is he doing? etc.. why is he late from work.. 
He didn't used to pick my calls when I wanted to talk to him.. so now I don't call him( to avoid myself being hurt and feeling rejected at the same time..)
Tell me if I'm doing justice with the current situation. ..
Will this be worth the wait.. ( coz back of my mind I believe that his affair will definately end.. may be in months or few years.. )


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm a friendly talkaboutmarriage member that offers advice to those who ask. I also have a few certifications under my belt and have worked with hundreds of people and couples over the years. Oh, and I probably care quite a bit more about your health, happiness, and well being today than your husband does. But really, I am no one at all to tell anyone what to do. People make up their own minds about what to do in their own lives.

Is is worth the wait to lose your self esteem and to be treated in a completely invalidating manner? And no, you aren't doing justice to the situation. You are sitting there allowing it to happen while you do nothing but get betrayed, hurt, and live with the heartache that this situation is putting you through.

Not to mention your son. Do you realize children that live in invalidating environments end up at risk of all sorts of bad things. Emotional disorders, etc... AND it shows him it's okay to grow up and treat his own wife like a piece of crap. Is that what you want for him?

Honestly lady, shake yourself and look at this for what it is. You and your son are basically abandoned while this man is pursuing another woman and another life, one without you. 

At the very least - Tell the family - so what if he doesn't want you to? He's doing things that you obviously don't want him to do and you really need some supportive people around you at this time.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

BlindInLuv said:


> MIL says.. let him do what he is doing.. one day he will realize.. when the OW will leave him..


Listening to your MIL advice about what to do about her cheating son?

I don't mean to make light of your situation, but that's some funny stuff :rofl:

Obviously your MIL is going to be completely baised against you and going to support her son. Ignore her completely.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

First, a quick analysis -



> @Tanelornpete...in fact whenever I asked him about divorce.. he says.. u do what u want to do..


Do you WANT a divorce? If not, why are you bringing it up? Save that for later - or get it started. It is the final step, not the initial one!

As for the 'you do what you want to do...' comment from him: this is common avoidance behavior - he is hoping you will to the dirty work so he can be free and not feel bad about it. 



> when i will decide i will let u know.. also he doesn't want our relatives to know this about him..


'When I decide...' is a play to string you along, to keep two women going. This is what we call 'cake-eating' - he is getting a kick out of 'having' two women, and as long as you play along, he will keep repeating this. If you suddenly decide you have had enough, he will be required to make a decision. That's when things get b problematic for him. 

'...he doesn't want our relatives to know...' 

I'll bet! That would make things uncomfortable for him. He wants you to keep hiding his behavior from people who might object - as long as you go along with him and help him keep having his affair by keeping it secret, things will work out quite nicely for him.



> I'm giving him time to realize..


Time to realize...what?



> I don't want to decide anything in jiffy and regret later..


So don't. Instead, do what is right. An affair is wrong. If he really needed to get away from you, he should man up, divorce you and go for the other woman. Instead, he requests that you let him have another woman, help him hide it from family, etc. Helping him do that is the wrong thing to do. One day you will regret that! Suppose instead that you decide that you will fight FOR your marriage, give it all you've got, until it is either saved or HE decides to leave you. If that is the case, there will be NOTHING you need regret - you did everything you could, the burden of the failure can only rest entirely on his shoulders.



> I'm improving on my behavior..


That's a good thing - something that we all need to do every day of our lives... However:



> I have stopped talking to him( both F2F and on Phone)..


Do you believe that the silent treatment will cause him to love you and come running back to you? If so, I'd have to question what your relationship was like when you first met!



> I do feel the urge to talk to him.. but then at the back of my mind i know he is not going to understand.. (I'm keeping my patience)..


That depends entirely upon what you say to him. And even then, it could be that he denies understanding - but that does not mean he really DOESN'T understand, does it? I'll bet he is a sentient being. I'll bet he actually DIES understand - and just act as if he doesn't.



> I know his bond is getting stronger with her.. I don't know I'm doing justice with the current situation or not..


I do not believe you are. Justice is the action of regarding an action with the appropriate response. By avoiding him, helping him hide this from family, etc., the only thing you ARE doing is helping that bond between the Other Woman and your husband grow stronger. 



> I also understand that he is having an emotional affair with the other woman.. but once he loved me and then we got married. if he can do this with the one who he says he loved.. then he can do the same with the OW.


Not sure exactly what you mean here - but I will point this out: he made his vows to _you_, not her. Until he ends the marriage, what he is doing with her is wrong.

Love is action - and the accompanying emotions can come back. It happens all the time. 



> I'm trying to make him insecure.. by ignoring him when he is around.. not calling him when he gets late from work..


And how's that working for you? Is the bond growing stronger, the more time and space you give him? I'll bet you that one of the things he tells the Other Woman - and one of the things he 'loves' about her - is that she does NOT ignore him. You're feeding the bear!



> I'm giving him all the space in the world to be with the OW. cause for the past 8 months i was after him.. like where is he.. what is he doing? etc.. why is he late from work..


"FINALLY," he is thinking. "FINALLY she has shut up and let me do what _I_ want!"



> He didn't used to pick my calls when I wanted to talk to him.. so now I don't call him( to avoid myself being hurt and feeling rejected at the same time..)


While I can understand the desire to protect yourself (and that is the right thing to do) - there are _additional steps_ you must be taking to ensure that this is not creating more pain for you. He is rejecting you NO LESS now that you are not talking to him - than he was when he was not picking up the phone and not talking to you. In essence, you are trying to fix the symptoms, and not the disease. In the end the disease wins unless you get rid of it.



> Tell me if I'm doing justice with the current situation. ..
> Will this be worth the wait.. ( coz back of my mind I believe that his affair will definately end.. may be in months or few years.. )


In a word, no. I do not thing you are doing your marriage any justice. This affair may well end - _but that does not mean he will be any closer to you!_ Instead, the way you are approaching this may well be an additional set of arguments for him to find ANOTHER affair. He'll have been rejected by TWO women - and even more set on finding those answers he seeks.

A much better way is available. It requires courage, and some hard work - but I've seen the results - I've seen it work, and I also know that the way you are doing it is most likely a huge failure.


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