# Dday, has arrived.



## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

Hello, I'm not exactly sure where to start or what to say right now. I just found out my wife has been having an affair for the last 3 months. There is a pile of back story I don't have time to write about , cause i have to get ready for work. 

I just wanted to get this thread started , I'll actually edit in or make a new post with what has actually happen'd and how things got to the point of her cheating. I'm just glad i found some place with people who know what I'm dealing with. Trying to Put this story into words and proper perspective is going to take more time than i have right now.

She is away in another city right now, we are relocating and she has been unemployed for the better part of a year. she is living with her sister and mother , cause they live in the area we are moving too. The only reason this relocation started was cause her mother almost got killed by her father and now needs help to do certain tasks on a daily basis. Since she is sans job and doesn't help pay the bills right now, it made sense for her to go there and help out , change her nursing license over to where were going and start job searching. 
So, i think a lot of you can see where this will be going, ill write up the rest of this later.

Crushed and sick to death.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry, Bro. Go Hawkeyes. I'll wait to say anything else until you post the whole situation.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Does she know you know? Have you confronted her? 

If not - don't until you fill in the details here and get some feedback. Confronting too early can really set you back.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Welcome.

Are you heading for divorce or reconciliation?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So sorry -- you'll get lots of advice and support here. Hang in there.


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

I caught her this weekend,. she has been coming back home every 3 to 4 weeks to see me etc. I have had a sneaking suspicion something has been going on for the last month, when i said something she denied it made me feel like I was being paranoid. that this guy was "just" a friend. Etc. 

She was back for the weekend,So sunday morning around 4am she gets a text, she asleep im a sleep but i hear it, 30 mins later my son wakes up , i get up, get him a bottle. Smoke on the deck, pee..bam another text message. I'm like who the F.... is texting at 4am. It turns out its him, and his message makes me think they are doing it but its subtle. So i ask her she says, he must be drunk and trying to text his girl "Mary". Im shaking im so mad but she calms me down and i go back to sleep. 

I wake up with my son a couple hours later and I keep thinking about the texts etc, and so i go onto her computer load up her messenger witch she leaves signed in, and snoop her history witch she didn't delete. Sure enough, there was all the proof that was needed. I waited a bit to clam down, woke her up told her I knew and to spill the beans. She told me everything , and what was going on etc. 
We will be attempting to reconcile, I believe her when she says she wont be seeing him again. though I did say I will leave her and take our son if it ever happens again, No discussions just gone.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Welcome
Sorry you are here but you have come to the best place for help and advice.
DG


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Find a post by AlmostRecovered - any post - and read all of the links in his signature. They are the best place to start. 

Do not believe her when she tell you she's ended it - she'll be lying - it's a virtual certainty. There is plenty you can do to bust the affair and make sure it's over but you will have to take action and do some concrete things. If you're willing to reconcile and your wife wants to reconcile she may well need your help breaking the affair - they can be very much like addictions. 

Good Luck - keep posting here. Lots of good advice and people who want to help.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Any post?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Any post?


Didn't figure you'd be far behind... What can I say - your signature is awesome!!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Iowaboy said:


> I believe her when she says she wont be seeing him again.


:scratchhead:

Didn't you believe her when she took her vows to marry you? What came out of those?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, you need PROOF - INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF - that she isn't still at it. She needs to become an open book here - you can NOT believe ANYthing she tells you right now.

Oh, and get STD tested. (that link is in AR's sig but bears repeating!!)


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Please don't believe it's over just because she says so! Most cheaters do not just snap out of it on dday! She may truly be sorry but may try to see him for a tearful, soulful goodbye (puke) or she will take it underground and hide it even better. Her living away from you is not a good situation right now. Good luck. Be vigilant, don't cry or beg...and do not trust anything....not yet!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm assuming this guy is living near where you are moving to? 

So while caring for her sick mom she hashad time to start dating and hooking up.

I wonder if the OM knows she's married? It doesn't sound like he knew she was with you for the weekend.

You should look him up and find out about him ASAP.

As for her. Don't be so quick to tell her you are staying. Ask her to show you why you should. Demand that she show she is worthy of being given a second chance.

I also suggest she find someone else to help her mom so she can stay with you and work at being a wife worth having.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here my friend. Your wife is not sorry about the affair. If anything, she is sorry about getting caught. Your journey is just beginning. Threr will be one central theme: Lies.

I wish it wasn't so, but it is almost universally the case. You are at a great disadvantage in tracking her activity since she is not living with you full time. Read this board and don't make the decision to reconcile too quickly. I'm confident you haven't heard everything.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you know how she hooked up with the OM?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Iowaboy said:


> I believe her when she says she wont be seeing him again.


and why the fluck would you believe her about anything right now?

This is the same person that lied to your face and called you crazy hours before that when you woke her up with 'proof'... then she just FELL ASLEEP again?. You'd think she might be a little more rattled and her mind would be racing having just been caught by her husband getting texts from some guy she's been ***ing for months?... Guess not.

There is no way in H3LL you should be offering her the chance to reconcile yet... you got a lot of discovering to do, and you haven't got a clue how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Take that sh*t off the table right now. You need to get your bearings before you jump into forgiving her and reconciling this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Iowa you`re making this way to easy on her.

You shouldn`t have agreed to R so quickly, she now knows she owns you.

She will not stop this affair on her own.

Are you going to trust her to go back to her moms town unaccompanied by you?

Does the man she is seeing have a wife?
Is he married? Girlfriend?

Find out everything you can about him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ooops Sorry.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She needs to give you full transparency to all her stuff - FB, email, phone password, etc. This is the only way you can build any sort of trust. Is this guy living near her mom? It seems it would be very easy for her to keep seeing him without you knowing it. 

My suggestion? Next time she goes, you take your son and pay her a surprise visit.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Screw that, she doesn`t go.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her rolling over and going back to sleep kind of says it all.

She didn't have any worry at all about you finding out. Not one care. That's cold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Her rolling over and going back to sleep kind of says it all.
> 
> She didn't have any worry at all about you finding out. Not one care. That's cold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why should she worry?
He accepted R in all of 32 seconds.
She apparently knows him pretty well.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

The belief/trust in her is misplaced, I think its pretty common.

When a bomb like this drops, a person scrambles to find anything. Blaming themselves, hypersensitivity/feelings of needing to connect emotionally with the WS right then and there. Trying to hold on to the idea of who you thought she was. Its all to do with your OWN coping.

Give it time, you'll get pissed. The sooner the better.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Iowaboy said:


> . though I did say I will leave her and take our son if it ever happens again, No discussions just gone.


Threats are loose lips son. The more you threaten the more she'll go underground and prepare a nuclear explosion on YOUR head !! This is the USA remember, the VJJ rules.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It sounds to me that she had no intention of stopping and is only stopping it now because she was caught. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you?

She has totally disrespect your and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I suggest that you:
1. Both get tested for STD's immediately.
2. Expose the affair to the OM's significant other.
3. See a lawyer to understand your options.

Do you think she engaged in this sexual affair because she knew even if she was caught you would forgive her anyway. Why did she do this to you and what did she think would happen when you found out? I doubt you have the full story.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Also NC letter/email/text plus full transparence and acountability of whereabouts.
She read books, she carry the heavie stuff.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See I don't think she is stopped. I think the minute she hits town shell be out on a date with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If you actually imagine you want to R, the first thing that happens is the move to mama's house ain't happening. Your WW stays home. How many kids do you have by her? Note: I did not ask how many kids she has, I just want to know the number from you. See where I'm going with this?


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

well, I can't put all the details together right now in a format that would make any sense. so, i showed my wife this sight earlier and she is currently making a post of her own. so if someone could lock this, we could move the discussion over to that thread instead. I was just wanting to get it off my chest since I haven't felt like telling any of my family or friends.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Sorry, Bro. Go Hawkeyes. I'll wait to say anything else until you post the whole situation.


Or cyclones 
Sorry iowaboy. Keep posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

I am a cyclone fan, but its not what im here to talk about so I just ignored his post


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Iowaboy said:


> I am a cyclone fan, but its not what im here to talk about so I just ignored his post


Where is she posting? What's her username?


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

I dont know, she is posting here soonish, its a long ass story man. We talked about everything, she told me what all happend, everything, lurid details I never wanted to hear but it was like a train wreck. the jist of her cheating on me was cause of feeling unwanted by me. She felt our sex life was non existant, that there was no romance, and she tried talking to me about it, but didn't make me realize how bad she was feeling, I just swept it under the rug thinking I was just to stressed, over worked and stretched to the max.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I was being light hearted. Rug sweeping is not good but don't allow her to blame you for her bad choices. it's going to hurt hearing all the details but it might help too with dealing and coming together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

Yeah, ingalls, I know its not my fault, I am not to blame for her letting this guy seduce her, I'm not that ignorant or stupid. Though i feel in the long run , If i can get over the way im feeling now, begin to feel she is being honest with me its going to make our life that much stronger. I will do everything in my power to never ever let my wife feel unwanted, again
.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Iowaboy said:


> Yeah, ingalls, I know its not my fault, I am not to blame for her *letting this guy* seduce her, I'm not that ignorant or stupid. Though i feel in the long run , If i can get over the way im feeling now, begin to feel she is being honest with me its going to make our life that much stronger. I will do everything in my power to never ever let my wife feel unwanted, again
> .


Not to be rude, but I think you're _already_ a bit confused. 

She made a very clear and conscious *choice* when she decided to betray her marital vows and sleep with another man. She didn't "let" anyone do anything. She _chose_, entirely on her own, to _accept_ the advances of another man and betray her spouse (you) with said man.

You're painting her as a victim. *She is not*.

EDIT: I want to add that I'm not trying to egg you on or offend you. But your posts seem to make light of the fact that your wife _chose_ and _wanted_ to have this affair. No one forced her into anything, from my understanding. 

I am assuming that you're glossing over this (in other words, sweeping it under the rug) because it is easier for you to cope with the affair by blaming someone else (her affair partner) rather than your unfaithful wife. I fear that you're setting yourself up for some _serious_ emotional turmoil in the future if you don't acknowledge and deal with her responsibility for the affair during your recovery.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jibril said:


> Not to be rude, but I think you're _already_ a bit confused.
> 
> She made a very clear and conscious *choice* when she decided to betray her marital vows and sleep with another man. She didn't "let" anyone do anything. She _chose_, entirely on her own, to _accept_ the advances of another man and betray her spouse (you) with said man.
> 
> You're painting her as a victim. *She is not*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You seem to be on the rug sweep path here, Cornfield! The first task you have in beginning the R process is to see *REAL remorse* in your wife. Cheating is all on her. Nothing *made* her cheat. If she is blaming her actions on you or some deficiency on your part, nip that in the bud immediately. Start reading this forum in greater detail. Lots of good advise here. Don't be too quick to forgive forget and take blame.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Iowaboy said:


> Yeah, ingalls, I know its not my fault, I am not to blame for her letting this guy seduce her, I'm not that ignorant or stupid. Though i feel in the long run , If i can get over the way im feeling now, begin to feel she is being honest with me its going to make our life that much stronger. *I will do everything in my power to never ever let my wife feel unwanted, again*
> .



Unfortunately for you, there are women who do feel wanted by their husbands and, yet, they still cheat.

She's giving you an excuse, or shifting the blame to you.

Simply put, I think she needs to develop better morals.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Can you say *TROLL!!!*


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

It's troll couples season on TAM.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

TRy said:


> Can you say *TROLL!!!*



Along with this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47584-im-cheating-wh-re.html ?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

You know, Your "wife", never mentioned you kid......funny thing about that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Calling him troll is not fair. Remove the dominatrix stuff and you have a regular infidelity story. And you think dominatrix's couldn't cheat?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well the troll thing can be verified in part, wife is in another state and IP's would show that

and not for nothing, while the cheating isn't lowboy's fault, agreeing to having your wife work in the sex service trade is just not a good boundary


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

We have posters whose wives were cheating with pastors. Cheating is betrayal of trust. When it is done with the spouse's approval/boundaries, I see nothing wrong with it. And didn't she meet the guy at a club.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> We have posters whose wives were cheating with pastors. Cheating is betrayal of trust. When it is done with the spouse's approval/boundaries, I see nothing wrong with it. And didn't she meet the guy at a club.


Most boundaries are about not putting the other spouse in a position that has temptation or the appearance of impropriety

again, I'm not saying, allowing wife to be dominatrix=reason to cheat no moreso than allowing spouse to be FB friends with ex=reason to cheat


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## Iowaboy (May 31, 2012)

Sorry, you guys think were trolls, we wont be posting here ever again. Sorry I came here for help. I have been up all night with insomnia. I'm headed to the doctors office today to get some meds to help me cope a bit better.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

We have been burned here by trolls before with very convincing stories. So people some time over react when the story seems a little out of the ordinary. I won't blame you if you guys won't come back because I would be disgusted if I were you but I would suggest you hang by for one more day. The forum regulars haven't commented on both your threads. They are more active during the day time. Good luck


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I hope you don't go away. This is a great place to get advice and to vent. This forum is filled with people who care. Stick around for awhile and you'll see that.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Calling him troll is not fair. Remove the dominatrix stuff and you have a regular infidelity story. And you think dominatrix's couldn't cheat?


 Warlock, I called troll for the first time since posting to this forum because of the tone of the OP and the inconsistencies of the story. 

First, the OP had time to write us post after post telling us to stay tuned, but did not have time to tell us even the most basics details of the affair. 

Second, he told us that his wife was "sans job and doesn't help pay the bills right now", yet the wife told us "We needed money so my sister took me in as her apprentice in her business working as a dominatrix". She worked the paid dominatrix job for months and told us that the husband (OP) knew. See the inconsistency?


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