# Is knowing the finer details of the affair healthy?



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

hypothetically lets say a couple have an affair. It comes out and both want to reconcile. Let's say the WS is fully committed to R and willing to be (and actually is) completely truthful about the details. Would you, as the LS, want the finer details? Or would you rather just accept it was an affair and not have to know the details? I'm speaking of a hypothetical situation where we're assuming the WS is being 100% truthful and both spouses are wanting and are doing every healthy step to reconcile. In such a case, what value is there in knowing the details? And I'm not speaking of denial etc. The LS knows there was an affair, knows they cheated and is tempted to know exactly what happened, a sort of play-by-play. Good idea? Or dont ask..? Unnecessary pain? Or necessary disclosure to move on?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's pretty much the situation we're in, and I do want the details. I want them over and over and over so I can verify that he's telling me the same thing every time. I want to KNOW what went on so that I don't have mind movies about what MIGHT have happened. We made up a timeline together so that I could have that to refer to and whenever I feel I need to know something else, I ask. Still. And Dday is exactly 2 years ago.

But that's just me.

Many betrayed spouses do NOT want to know all the details. Their mind movies are worse when they do. 

It's a very personal decision. My advice would be to go with NOT getting the details first, and see how you do. If you still feel like you want them, then ask for a few and let yourself mull that over for a while and see if it helps. You can never undo the telling - once you know, you know.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Painful but I am with Hope. I want the nitty gritty. I am wired that way. Tell me. I will and have worked through a lot of pain. Unfortunately, I have not gotten everything and I may never get it. For me not getting it all is worse than getting it all, because I think there is more and that it is worse than I got. For me not getting full disclosure leaves doubt that there is more. And what happens if down the road my WS opens up and says something like, I know you are over it but there was more. I had sex with 20 men. I have seen posts where this had happened. I wish I could find it but one guy posted that after six years his wife said, I know you are over what happened 6 years ago but it was not an EA, we had sex six times. The guy divorced his wife after six years of R. I do ot want to be in that boat. Because the way I am wired that is exactly what I would do, D her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to know them, first because you will make up things that are worse, and second to know what to watch out for in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

You want to know them all....until you hear them. Catch 22.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think its up to the individual. I wanted to know the broad strokes ( any oral, giving or receiving, where did you meet at to have sex, etc) but didn't really want to get into much more than that.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> I think you need to know them, first because you will make up things that are worse, and second to know what to watch out for in the future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm with shaggy on this one...
But I must say I would be tempted with having the mind movies, and tell myself that it's lies because I don't know. Only because some details would be instant game ender.

So I contradict myself, tell me it all now, so that ten years later when the real truth comes out, I would think "If I knew that back then, there would be no us now"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think brokenbloke needs to read the "Things they did with the OM/OW" thread. Sometimes these details reveal the kind of person they are.


Ok found the thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to know what you are forgiving so details are important.

But

It truely is a individuals strength that dictates the amount of details one can stomach...finer or otherwise. I for one wanted the details, I need to know what I was now working with. See my imagination would be running wild and I would have never been able to get past this crap. Just the thought of circus freaks running amuch with my fWW would be driving me nuts, but actually the OM's were more normal in bed then I was/am....

As wierd as it may seem I did pick up a few things hearing about her "encounters". I always though sex was supposed to be hard and fast, it appears on ocassion women like it slow and soft. Interesting

Again, it is a individual strength that one must have to hear such things from your cheating spouse, along with the must know in what you are going to forgive them for.

If you ain't going to forgive them then why both knowing what realy went on, I would think you'd seen enough porno to know what went down?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> That's pretty much the situation we're in, and I do want the details. I want them over and over and over so I can verify that he's telling me the same thing every time. I want to KNOW what went on so that I don't have mind movies about what MIGHT have happened. We made up a timeline together so that I could have that to refer to and whenever I feel I need to know something else, I ask. Still. And Dday is exactly 2 years ago.
> 
> But that's just me.
> 
> ...


Ditto with me.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

some yes , all no... 

~sammy


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Those who need the details, need them cuz they need the gaps filled in--they don't want their sub-conscious putting its own interpretation, on what went on---Those that want all the details---that is what they need to start their healing process

Everyone is different, and everyone does what they need to do, to get thru the ugliness as best they can---as said before, many do not want their imagination running wild---so they need to have all the details, from beginning to end.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

I need to know. and im very well aware of what the out come can be for me , emotionally speaking. but theres no point in shying away from it.

as it is, during some of my wifes "moments of clarity" and betweeen texts ive read, ive gotten a pretty good picture of things.

but if we get to reconcile, i want it filled in. 

a. to end some of the mind movies
b. to show that shes willing to do what ever it takes
c. because i want to know what they did, or where they went that was different or what ever from us, so i can avoid those things, so they dont create triggers in her head.


say, if they went to nations hamburgers for lunch several times...guess where im not going again? 
thats not for everything, but most...

at least till we can get back to "normal" and i know it wont affect her...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It’s important to know the details. But it’s the betrayed spouse who determines the level of detail he/she needs. 
This is why a betrayed spouse will ask the same questions over and over again. Each time they will get a new level of detail, take some time to process it.. then when strong enough will come back and dig for more details.

What I have read is that when there is an affair the BS is out in the cold and knows nothing. The lack of knowledge is a huge wedge between the spouses. The BS needs as much info and detail as possible so that the affair sort of becomes a shared experience between the WS and the BS. As strange as it might seem, this builds emotional intimacy between the two helping them rebuild their bond. If this is not done the affair remains a huge wedge between them.

And as I told my husband, there is nothing that he can tell me that is worse then the things that my imagination comes up with.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It’s important to know the details. But it’s the betrayed spouse who determines the level of detail he/she needs.
> This is why a betrayed spouse will ask the same questions over and over again. Each time they will get a new level of detail, take some time to process it.. then when strong enough will come back and dig for more details.
> 
> What I have read is that when there is an affair the BS is out in the cold and knows nothing. The lack of knowledge is a huge wedge between the spouses. The BS needs as much info and detail as possible so that the affair sort of becomes a shared experience between the WS and the BS. As strange as it might seem, this builds emotional intimacy between the two helping them rebuild their bond. If this is not done the affair remains a huge wedge between them.
> ...


:iagree:
I did not want the skank to have any secrets from me that pertained to my H. By telling me everything he was exposing her to me and outing any secrets, thereby demystifying the fantasy. He had talked to her about me, and about our marriage( a very subjective version ). I felt that turnabout was fair play. I also wanted the info to share with her H should he need or want it. H immediately asked me to forgive him, and I needed to know what I was being asked to forgive.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

I wanted to know the details, to a degree, E.G. What positions, did they do, did they have oral, but my main question was always the same - What was it that made sex with her so good?


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

brokenbloke said:


> hypothetically lets say a couple have an affair. It comes out and both want to reconcile. Let's say the WS is fully committed to R and willing to be (and actually is) completely truthful about the details. Would you, as the LS, want the finer details? Or would you rather just accept it was an affair and not have to know the details? I'm speaking of a hypothetical situation where we're assuming the WS is being 100% truthful and both spouses are wanting and are doing every healthy step to reconcile. In such a case, what value is there in knowing the details? And I'm not speaking of denial etc. The LS knows there was an affair, knows they cheated and is tempted to know exactly what happened, a sort of play-by-play. Good idea? Or dont ask..? Unnecessary pain? Or necessary disclosure to move on?


I think there's a point where you know 'enough'. I knew an EA was going on, even though she was trickle-truthing me at the time, I had enough evidence for d-day to shut it down. Always the Engineer, I had to solve the puzzle, know everything, and found a very graphic fantasy love letter.

Although we're now reconciling, my crushed male pride and low self-esteem is the toughest issue I'm dealing with right now.

My advise to folks who want to 'know everything'... be careful what you wish for.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

i want the details. she is my wife and i want to know what she did with the 2 fat ugly pigs.btw when she told me it wasnt as bad as i thought but im sure im gettin the watered down version


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since old stupid (me) here didn't find out until he was served with papers, my ex wanted me to know all the details to, I suspect, head off any attempts by me to salvage what "we" had. She knew there was no way for me to provide what she thought (at that time) was important. In any event, since there's no way to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, I just went along with the system since I'd been ambushed and the game was over before I knew who all was playing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I needed all the details before I could move forward. Granted this meant more mind movies and triggers but I could not handle the uncertainty. I would always wonder if we drove past a hotel or a restaurant if they had met there. I couldn't deal with the unknown.


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I needed all the details before I could move forward. Granted this meant more mind movies and triggers but I could not handle the uncertainty. I would always wonder if we drove past a hotel or a restaurant if they had met there. I couldn't deal with the unknown.


Believe me, I can understand this burning need to know everything, I was there, but given that EAs tend to be much more devastating than PAs (neglecting the prospect of STDs), reading my wife tell the OM, "I love You", was more than enough. I don't need a play-by-play... my mind has proven to be creative and exceedingly productive in providing me 'entertainment' to prevent me from moving forward.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The affair is the unhealthy thing. Knowing the details or not is your call, either way it wasn't something you were looking for.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Regardless of whether you want to know or not, it's a decision made by the betrayed spouse, not the cheater. If asked, disclose everything. Or say "here is what happened, how much detail do you want?" If it's particularly painful, you may suggest you both take a day to decide how much detail. 

Couples with full disclosure have a higher success rate in reconciliation, than those that rug-sweep.


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