# How to prevent a walk-away wife, Part II



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Step 1a - Men, talk to your sons and set an example.
Step 1b - Women, talk to your daughters and set an example.

Step 2: - MAKE SURE THEY BELIEVE IT

I've yet to see anybody really "get it" until a couple of lives have been destroyed. If everybody in that room isn't in tears by the end of the conversation, it won't work. Any more than forced, awkward "birds and the bees" discussions have helped end teen pregnancy.

Thanks for putting up with me. But if this can be fixed in the macro, SO MANY of these micro threads go away. SO MANY of them start the same way. I see it in so many threads I read.

There. This is MY thread now. Post if you want, keep quiet if you don't. 

I have work to do now. I'll answer any questions you have later.

Macho


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, this is a good start. But you need specifics.....as in talk to your sons/daughters about what specifically? 

What do you think I should say to my sons? 

What do you wish your father/mother/wife had said to you? 

What was the issue in your marriage and what do you think you and your wife could've done to deal with it?

You can't help anyone as long as you speak but don't say anything of substance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, this is a good start. But you need specifics.....as in talk to your sons/daughters about what specifically?
> 
> What do you think I should say to my sons?
> 
> ...


I have answers to all of those questions. But I need to work. I wasted all of my time pissing people off on a relationship forum this past weekend.

The other thread was getting out of hand. This was a cease fire request while I have time to regroup.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I look forward to your future posts after you catch up with work. Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I have answers to all of those questions. But I need to work. I wasted all of my time pissing people off on a relationship forum this past weekend.
> 
> The other thread was getting out of hand. This was a cease fire request while I have time to regroup.


Well I look forward to hearing these answers.

I'm certainly no stranger to pissing people off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I look forward to hearing these answers.
> 
> I'm certainly no stranger to pissing people off.


That sounds risky to me. >


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

technovelist said:


> That sounds risky to me. >


Probably, and you know how we feel about risk!

But it's a new year so what the hvll, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Step 1a - Men, talk to your sons and set an example.
> Step 1b - Women, talk to your daughters and set an example.
> 
> Step 2: - MAKE SURE THEY BELIEVE IT


Details, macho.

How do you 'MAKE SURE' someone else does, thinks, or understands anything?

And the other thread wasn't getting out of hand. Your reaction was the only thing out of hand in the whole damn thing. Everyone else was perfectly content to keep discussing.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> Everyone else was perfectly content to keep discussing.


And how was that working out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been enjoying it immensely. 

In fact, it's gotten me energized to get off my butt and CHANGE something.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> I've been enjoying it immensely.
> 
> In fact, it's gotten me energized to get off my butt and CHANGE something.


Awesome for you. Congratulations. 

Maybe we'll, together, be able to keep other young girls from committing themselves to 30 years of what you just went through. That other thread surely wasn't going to do it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

turnera said:


> How do you 'MAKE SURE' someone else does, thinks, or understands anything?


That is what this entire topic is about, Turnera. If I had that answer, I'd be rich and famous AS WELL AS handsome.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I still don't understand how to make a man believe I'm serious about what I ask for, if he doesn't want to believe.

In my case, talking didn't help. Crying and threatening didn't help. I never tried withholding sex, because I felt that was wrong. But unenthusiastic duty sex didn't help. After I left, he made some temporary changes to his life, then slipped back into old habits.

Sometimes I wonder if we were always doomed, if I just never found the magic button, or if he didn't think I was worth the work.

Macho, do you think there was something your wife could have done to make you understand? Something you wish she had tried?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I have answers to all of those questions. But I need to work. I wasted all of my time pissing people off on a relationship forum this past weekend.
> .


Interested to read what your answers are when you are caught up with work. Hope they will be applicable to more cases than just yours.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Macho, can you give specific examples of how your wife tried to let you know that she was unhappy, and why you did not believe her? It is hard to discuss this in the abstract. Sure, we can warn our children about relationship pitfalls, but they will not understand until they are faced with specific problems in their marriages. It is more useful to discuss concrete examples of poor communication, so people can see how this plays out in a relationship.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Awesome for you. Congratulations.
> 
> Maybe we'll, together, be able to keep other young girls from committing themselves to 30 years of what you just went through. That other thread surely wasn't going to do it.


I disagree with this statement. I think a LOT of the discussion by other women in that thread can help people realize what they need to look out for in WAW-type relationships. I know it helped me see some issues I could improve on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, maybe I can add to this with some things that have recently come up again with my children. I have both a son and daughter, and I generally don't distinguish between them with life lessons. Trying to teach them different things is where we've fallen down imo.

1) Listening when someone speaks to them instead of just using the time the other person is talking to think about what they are going to say next
2) Empathy - the most important thing anyone can teach another human being
3) Apologising - recently had a huge discussion on the benefits of saying sorry, but also the mistaken belief that it wipes the slate clean

When it comes time to teaching them to look after themselves, others and their belongings, they'll both be getting the same lessons.

When it comes to sex, they'll both be taught about the birds and the bees, and that it's an important part of marriage/LTRs and that keeping the passion alive is integral to the relationship. They'll see the example of their parents canoodling in the kitchen on a regular basis.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

breeze said:


> 3) Apologising - recently had a huge discussion on the benefits of saying sorry, but also the mistaken belief that it wipes the slate clean


This is such an important lesson. "I'm sorry" does not undo what has been done. And it becomes worthless if you continue to do that thing.

You can't repeatedly hurt someone and apologize, and expect that to be okay.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> I still don't understand how to make *a* man believe I'm serious about what I ask for, if he doesn't want to believe.
> 
> In my case, talking didn't help. Crying and threatening didn't help. I never tried withholding sex, because I felt that was wrong. But unenthusiastic duty sex didn't help. After I left, he made some temporary changes to his life, then slipped back into old habits.
> 
> ...


The single letter I highlighted was my issue on the other thread. Each of us are unique individuals, what may work for one man (or woman) may not work for another. The simple fact may be that your marriage was doomed, but you just didn't realize it. 
My problem with understanding any of this is the idea that you can prevent something that may be inevitable. Part of the issue with both sides is the willingness to keep doubling down, despite the obvious, based on some idea that every marriage can and should be saved. 
People are different and people change and people change in different ways as well. The perfect understanding two people may have enjoyed at one time can disappear over time as the two moving parts, move.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I really do think that sometimes the marriage breaking down is inevitable. That was most likely the case in mine.

The key is understanding when it is fixable and when it is not. And we can do that by learning different things that can be tried, the causes and effects involved. If we try a lot and nothing works, maybe it's not meant to be.

We once believed that people dying of common illnesses was inevitable. And then we learned better, and we did better. Some people still die, but not nearly as many. The same medicine may not work for all of them, but the list of meds we can try is much longer now.

We're only at the beginning of understanding this situation. 75 years ago, a WAW couldn't walk. She had to suffer because she couldn't support herself in our society. She was easy to ignore, but have no doubt, she existed and she wanted out. Now women have options, and they are leaving, and we're struggling to catch up and understand why it's happening and how to prevent it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> I really do think that sometimes the marriage breaking down is inevitable. That was most likely the case in mine.
> 
> The key is understanding when it is fixable and when it is not. And we can do that by learning different things that can be tried, the causes and effects involved. If we try a lot and nothing works, maybe it's not meant to be.
> 
> We once believed that people dying of common illnesses was inevitable. And then we learned better, and we did better. Some people still die, but not nearly as many. The same medicine may not work for all of them, but the list of meds we can try is much longer now.


I agree with this. I can sit here and say that my ex was a jerk, which he was, and that I told him directly that things weren't working for me, which I did, but I also think that at the end of the day we weren't compatible. He had a very different idea of what marriage should be and what a woman's place is. Even if he'd heard me I don't think he was capable of giving what I needed, and I certainly wasn't capable of being what he wanted. 

But given that I'm happily remarried and he's still single because he can't keep a woman I'd say my views are a little more mainstream. 

Maybe he'll find one that suits him eventually, I hope so because he's easier to get along with when he's getting some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Interested to read what your answers are when you are caught up with work. Hope they will be applicable to more cases than just yours.


That's the plan. I won't even TOUCH on my issue.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> I still don't understand how to make a man believe I'm serious about what I ask for, if he doesn't want to believe.


That's what we're going to work on together.



OpenWindows said:


> In my case, talking didn't help. Crying and threatening didn't help. I never tried withholding sex, because I felt that was wrong. But unenthusiastic duty sex didn't help. After I left, he made some temporary changes to his life, then slipped back into old habits.


I know for a fact that there is NOBODY that understands that statement more than I. Some MAY understand it as much. But nobody can know it more. I lived it. I know BOTH SIDES of it. That above statement is as regular to me as someone saying "so I start each and every day by taking a shower". 



OpenWindows said:


> Macho, do you think there was something your wife could have done to make you understand? Something you wish she had tried?


I fear not. As I mentioned somewhere above, I have yet to see one of these obtuse husbands "get it" without their life crashing. Or "get it" before it was too late. But we're at least going to try to give these men their "a-ha"/"kick in the gut" moment before marriage and kids. Before it's too late to fix them (If I can be fixed, anyone can). 

But we'll need help from the gals. As a matter of fact, they have to do ALL of the work. But we need to sell THEM first.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

breeze said:


> Well, maybe I can add to this with some things that have recently come up again with my children. I have both a son and daughter, and I generally don't distinguish between them with life lessons. Trying to teach them different things is where we've fallen down imo.
> 
> 1) Listening when someone speaks to them instead of just using the time the other person is talking to think about what they are going to say next
> 2) Empathy - the most important thing anyone can teach another human being
> ...


And my favorite post of all so far. A very civilized (thank you for that) version of "I plan on raising my kids right so they don't turn out to be a scumbag POS like you. I'm glad you're miserable. You deserve it you vermin". I hope you die a slow, painful premature death".

Breeze: I fully plan on having you freaking out in a few days that your perfectly raise kids have just as much of a chance of pushing away their wife as I did. That your daughter has just as much of a chance of walking as my wife did.. Not ALMOST as much. JUST AS MUCH.

OK. Enough drama. I need to ignore future posts and just concentrate on getting this done.. Nothing has been thrown at me so far I can't handle. I really hope I can help. It took me being an a-hole to get peoples attention. I hope I can deliver. 

More to come.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Step 1a - Men, talk to your sons and set an example.
> Step 1b - Women, talk to your daughters and set an example.
> 
> Step 2: - MAKE SURE THEY BELIEVE IT
> ...


What if you don't have children?

Also, are you saying that: unless you both discuss "It"* until the point of tears--everyone in the room is crying, then it hasn't been an effective discussion?

What if I can't cry? No, seriously, I don't typically shed tears when I'm sad.







MachoMcCoy said:


> That's what we're going to work on together.
> 
> 
> I fear not. As I mentioned somewhere above, I have yet to see one of these obtuse husbands "get it" without their life crashing. Or "get it" before it was too late. But we're at least going to try to give these men their "a-ha"/"kick in the gut" moment before marriage and kids. Before it's too late to fix them (If I can be fixed, anyone can).
> ...


Are you sure you're "fixed"? Maybe you're an "actor" on this thread, but if your posts are any indication of how you feel, it seems like you still have a lot of pent-up resentment, negativity and pessimism still boiling in your blood. 

Do you feel you would be 100% successful in maintaining a new relationship?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Are you sure you're "fixed"?


Depends on what you mean by fixed. Am I perfect? No. Do I fully understand my limitations and try to better myself? Without a doubt. Do I FULLY understand what happens to the dynamic of my (still intact) marriage when I slip? You have no idea.

If I were to leave this marriage and move onto someone else, would what I've learned through this experience make me a better husband? Of course. Better enough to be able to keep her? That will be my fear every time I open my mouth to speak.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> What if I can't cry? No, seriously, I don't typically shed tears when I'm sad.


Lets just use crying as a metaphor in your case. My point is that it can't be a "talk". It's got to be a revelation.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> And my favorite post of all so far. A very civilized (thank you for that) version of "I plan on raising my kids right so they don't turn out to be a scumbag POS like you. I'm glad you're miserable. You deserve it you vermin". I hope you die a slow, painful premature death".


Where do you get this stuff, Macho? Do you always beat yourself up like this? Or do you just have a flair for the dramatic?

I've seen lots of posters call you out, on lots of different threads, and nobody ever nearly approaches the nastiness you throw around like this. Breeze literally didn't even mention you in her post.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> Where do you get this stuff, Macho? Do you always beat yourself up like this? Or do you just have a flair for the dramatic?
> 
> I've seen lots of posters call you out, on lots of different threads, and nobody ever nearly approaches the nastiness you throw around like this. Breeze literally didn't even mention you in her post.


Are you challenging me on how people have responded to my posts? REALLY? 5 years I've been doing this. For FIVE YEARS, once they hear I was an emotional abuser, all holds are barred. I have ZERO right to happiness. I have LITERALLY gotten posts that bad. Most are only ALMOST as bad. 

And Breeze said, very diplomatically, I will raise my kids right. They shouldn't have a problem. Split hairs if you want as to whether or not she was talking about me, but it's a variation of the same theme.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Are you challenging me on how people have responded to my posts? REALLY? 5 years I've been doing this. For FIVE YEARS, once they hear I was an emotional abuser, all holds are barred. I have ZERO right to happiness. I have LITERALLY gotten posts that bad. Most are only ALMOST as bad.
> 
> And Breeze said, very diplomatically, I will raise my kids right. They shouldn't have a problem. Split hairs if you want as to whether or not she was talking about me, but it's a variation for the same theme.


Ok, we get it. You have been called terrible names by other posters.

But not on this thread.

So please help us out here by giving us some details of what you have in mind as to how a push-away husband can be awakened before it's too late.

Thanks.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

technovelist said:


> *So please help us out here by giving us some details of what you have in mind* as to how a push-away husband can be awakened before it's too late.


:iagree:

Because I haven't the foggiest what this thread is even about...


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Can I suggest we all refrain from referencing the other thread if we want this thread to be any different? Otherwise, won't this thread just turn into that one?

@MachoMcCoy, I think the ladies have covered their part. In general, they don't need us to tell them what not to tolerate or how to set a boundary. The WAWs and potential WAWs are clearly hurting already, let's let them be and talk instead about what men should consider doing.

All I can say is before you start talking to yourself angrily at the walls, double check that your wife (and anyone else you happen to live with) has left the house :frown2::frown2::frown2::frown2::frown2:

She's forgiven me and is glad to have me rub her back or serve her dinner, but I just can't get over the shame yet.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

ExiledBayStater said:


> @MachoMcCoy, I think the ladies have covered their part. In general, they don't need us to tell them what not to tolerate or how to set a boundary. The WAWs and potential WAWs are clearly hurting already, let's let them be and talk instead about what men should consider doing.


Sorry, no they haven't. I've gone to far to remove the women from this. Not possible at this juncture. They are in it to the end. 

You are correct. The WAW's and potential WAW's are hurting. A lot more than the men. But that is only because a majority of the men have NO CLUE what has hit their marriage. MILLIONS of men and they have no idea their wife isn't really there. Why doesn't that SHOCK anyone but me? 

You all get mad at me for wanting to fix this in the macro. You seem to want to deal with 1 million WAW scenario's individually That is what you all feel is so healthy about that other thread. Great. You all got a little out of it. So a little movement on 4 or 5 marriages. 999,995 to go. I hope you all have the time.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Step 1a - Men, talk to your sons and set an example.
> Step 1b - Women, talk to your daughters and set an example.
> 
> Step 2: - MAKE SURE THEY BELIEVE IT
> ...


And now it's my thread too.

go make demands in your own space buddy. Bar's public space for everyone, and so is the pool table...


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> And now it's my thread too.
> 
> go make demands in your own space buddy. Bar's public space for everyone, and so is the pool table...


All are welcome. Even the d1ckheads. Make yourself at home.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...resources-not-speak-men-womens-midlife-c.html

Welcome indeed. I hope we can help you, my brother. Fate may have brought us together. One a-hole to another.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Are you challenging me on how people have responded to my posts? REALLY? 5 years I've been doing this. For FIVE YEARS, once they hear I was an emotional abuser, all holds are barred. I have ZERO right to happiness. I have LITERALLY gotten posts that bad. Most are only ALMOST as bad.
> 
> And Breeze said, very diplomatically, I will raise my kids right. They shouldn't have a problem. Split hairs if you want as to whether or not she was talking about me, but it's a variation of the same theme.


Since you very definitely are not one of my children, you can be assured I wasn't talking about you.

I say this without any ill intent though I know you won't believe that, you should consider taking a break from all forums for the benefit of your mental health. You see attacks where there are none and from my perspective, your perspective seems completely skewed to make you the victim in every interaction. This is not healthy.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just to add some clarification, I don't know your story, Macho, except for seeing a particular "woe is me" post on another thread; so you made all these statements as if I was thinking this and that about you, when I actually think nothing much about you at all.

If I were to come at you saying that your post was obviously an attack on me, it's all been about me and I know you meant you think I'm a crap mother and I haven't taught my kids anything, that everybody always says how horrible I am and how I've made my husband miserable, that people have been saying this stuff to me for years on forums and they're all so nasty to me... what would you think about my mental health?


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I have answers to all of those questions. But I need to work. I wasted all of my time pissing people off on a relationship forum this past weekend.





MachoMcCoy said:


> But we'll need help from the gals. As a matter of fact, they have to do ALL of the work. But we need to sell THEM first.


I still patiently await your answers. Especially your explanation of the second bit. What is this course of action where the women do all the work to fix the fact that they're doing all of the work? That's not sarcasm, I'm really curious. And unless I missed it, you've haven't told us what you think we should be teaching our sons. I'm VERY curious about your answer to that.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

breeze said:


> Just to add some clarification, I don't know your story, Macho, except for seeing a particular "woe is me" post on another thread; so you made all these statements as if I was thinking this and that about you, when I actually think nothing much about you at all.
> 
> If I were to come at you saying that your post was obviously an attack on me, it's all been about me and I know you meant you think I'm a crap mother and I haven't taught my kids anything, that everybody always says how horrible I am and how I've made my husband miserable, that people have been saying this stuff to me for years on forums and they're all so nasty to me... what would you think about my mental health?


OK Macho. Deep breath. You haven't even started yet. They need time...

I'm sorry if you saw it as an attack on you. People, PLEASE trust me
on at least one thing. Besides my response to that one poster's statement a few back, I have NO INTENTION of attacking anybody. If YOU, of all people Breeze, saw my response to you as an attack, maybe I should just stop now.



breeze said:


> I say this without any ill intent though I know you won't believe that, you should consider taking a break from all forums for the benefit of your mental health.


I guess you're right. Sorry for the drama everyone. No way is this going to work. And even if I DID sell a few people here, it's not going to mean sh1t. What was I thinking?

Good luck. You got such an awesome start on that other thread, it was pretty arrogant of me to think I alone could add anything.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Macho, you are one determined blame-shifter - I'll give you that. Now, you want to SELL the women on coming up with solutions when their husband is an a-hole. Talking doesn't work. You've made that clear. How about getting yourself to a therapist who can help you come to terms with why you deliberately destroyed your marriage? After all, you knew exactly what you were doing and you kept right on. You don't have a clue.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> OK Macho. Deep breath. You haven't even started yet. They need time...
> 
> I'm sorry if you saw it as an attack on you. People, PLEASE trust me
> on at least one thing. Besides my response to that one poster's statement a few back, I have NO INTENTION of attacking anybody. If YOU, of all people Breeze, saw my response to you as an attack, maybe I should just stop now.
> ...


It's not that I saw it as an attack on me, it was the part where you saw my post as an attack on you:

_And my favorite post of all so far. A very civilized (thank you for that) version of "I plan on raising my kids right so they don't turn out to be a scumbag POS like you. I'm glad you're miserable. You deserve it you vermin". I hope you die a slow, painful premature death"._

I don't think like that. Putting words into my mouth like that is abhorrent to me.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Sorry, no they haven't. I've gone to far to remove the women from this. Not possible at this juncture. They are in it to the end.
> 
> You are correct. The WAW's and potential WAW's are hurting. A lot more than the men. But that is only because a majority of the men have NO CLUE what has hit their marriage. MILLIONS of men and they have no idea their wife isn't really there. Why doesn't that SHOCK anyone but me?
> 
> You all get mad at me for wanting to fix this in the macro. You seem to want to deal with 1 million WAW scenario's individually That is what you all feel is so healthy about that other thread. Great. You all got a little out of it. So a little movement on 4 or 5 marriages. 999,995 to go. I hope you all have the time.


I'm not mad at you and not sure why you would assume such a thing.

I absolutely could not stand the other thread after page 30 or so and I'm not sure why you would assume otherwise. It started out good in that I realized don't want to turn my sweet wife bitter. But when I made myself vulnerable there, it simply did not go well. In all honesty I think you're torturing the women and yourself by continuing with them. But they're willing and you're willing, so I wish you all luck.

I'm afraid I don't have the time to save 999,995 marriages. I only have time to try to maintain one marriage. My pregnant wife needs me, and with that I must unsubscribe.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I still have the opinion that this thread along with the other thread is a useless exercise. There is no one specific answer to the general problem of walk away spouses. I think all any of us can do is to do the best we know how to do, to strive to be the best person we can be and to HOPE that our spouse does the same. Even then there is still the possibility that the marriage will not work out because those individual "bests" may not be enough for the other. 
Had the OP on the other thread, or this thread left out the universal qualifier of "a" in reference to walk away spouses, these threads might some validity.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

OpenWindows said:


> breeze said:
> 
> 
> > 3) Apologising - recently had a huge discussion on the benefits of saying sorry, but also the mistaken belief that it wipes the slate clean
> ...



Sounds like my father... Always apologizing and pulling same crap. They ended up meaning nothing. Show action not a verbal I'm sorry.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I told my husband many times what I needed before contemplating leaving. (This before getting married) We had known eachother for years, he had a drinking problem that became pretty bad. I didn't know much about this problem until we lived together.

I ended up pregnant (2010), asked to do couples counseling and he declined. I did counseling solo and contemplated if I would leave due to the drinking. I was afraid if I left, he would get himself into trouble (either jail or killed) and I felt guilted. I felt responsible and knew IF something happened to him, I wouldn't get over it and or forgive myself. He ended up changing somewhat once our daughter was born (in 2011). 

One thing remained the same him being laid off in 2009 and by 2012, I was still supporting our family alone (financially). Yes, he stayed home with our daughter in 2011-2012. By 2012, I was burnt out by being the provider and household cleaner ect. 2012 I was almost ready to walk away. I told him several times I wouldn't be able to continue being the only one working, that this wouldn't work. He wasn't hearing me.

He was also shocked when I came out and told him that I met with "an old friend" during that time (2012). I found comfort in my friend having a job (this guy wasn't anything special). I was finding comfort in talking with someone else as I was frustrated with my home life. That resulted in a kiss, feeling awful and my husband getting a job the next day (after meeting up with my friend). I never saw the guy again. My relationship stabilized and we married in 2013. My husband is aware of my hanging out with an old friend and was shocked. His words "I didn't think we were in a bad place". Really??? I had told him several and multiple occasions hey if you can't get a job, help that this isn't going to work. I can't do this anymore by myself. He never heard that! Looking back, if we never got pregnant in 2010 I doubt he would've ever been husband material. It was that bad and I'm thankful his daughter opened up his eyes for changing into a better man.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> I told my husband many times what I needed before contemplating leaving. (This before getting married) We had known eachother for years, he had a drinking problem that became pretty bad. I didn't know much about this problem until we lived together.
> 
> I ended up pregnant (2010), asked to do couples counseling and he declined. I did counseling solo and contemplated if I would leave due to the drinking. I was afraid if I left, he would get himself into trouble (either jail or killed) and I felt guilted. I felt responsible and knew IF something happened to him, I wouldn't get over it and or forgive myself. He ended up changing somewhat once our daughter was born (in 2011).
> 
> ...



Glad you had a happy ending there! Looks like your husband woke up and finally got off his butt and got a job. Was he looking for a job during the year while you were working and supporting the family? I would feel awkward if my W were the sole provider, even though I don't have a kid.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Macho- Did your wife physically leave or are you two still married?

Have you repaired your M and at a point where you and your wife are in love with each other again?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Could someone please tell me what the h*ll "other thread" is being discussed?
> 
> Macho, how about letting the rest of us in on what exactly it is you are referring to (another thread? another forum?) so we can at least try to have an informed opinion?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's talking about the first How to prevent a WAW thread

But don't bother reading his posts on it because it's even more confusing and jumbled up.

Just anger, stating that he, and only he, knows about the WAW situation and everyone else is wrong but then hasn't even explained his situation, his story, or his POV,

It was suggested that if he had all the answers to start a new thread with his wisdom and this is what we got.

I still don't know if/when/how his wife even walked away. 
I'm so confused.

But I'm *guessing* that his inability to communicate directly and jumping to anger and defensiveness may have been a part of it.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > I told my husband many times what I needed before contemplating leaving. (This before getting married) We had known eachother for years, he had a drinking problem that became pretty bad. I didn't know much about this problem until we lived together.
> ...



Not really, he got short term unemployment but I didn't see any of that towards the bills. Im pretty sure there was some depression there (on his part) and I tried not making him feel bad for not working. I did begin explaining the hardship consistently towards mid 2011-early 2012. He truly wasn't getting it. I even applied for jobs online for him. It eventually wore its toll, especially with my internship didn't go as planned and not landing the job that I went to school for (in 2012). 

It all worked out in the end but I can see how two people can clearly try and still not hear each other, causing rifts or someone leaving. Once communication is lost it opens doors to feeling lost in the relationship and pulls out vulnerabilities on many ends.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I said I would stick to my journey threads, but in looking at this thread and the one started by SM, both are really at the heart of TAM. These could and should be productive discussions. 

I could imagine a thousand different stories (here on TAM) about walk away spouses or those that want to walk away. In some cases things can be turned around and others not so much. And, wouldn't be great if we always got both sides of each story. But, I believe these are all unique as folks as are all the stories unique. 

My wife never talked of walking away, but years ago she had every right to think that way. However what changed was less about what she said to me and more about me wanting to make changes for me. I was drinking too much - it made me lazy in everything (emotionally and physically), less engaged as a father and husband, unhealthy and unattractive (I was on the verge of obesity). It may seem simple but really made a world of difference for me - I stopped drinking completely, cold turkey (I did get sick for a two week period). I replaced one addictive behavior with healthier options, exercise and a change in diet. These conscious choices changed a lot of how I went about my days with more energy and more engaged. I feel better about me which helps me feel better about my wife and sons and taking a more active role in being a better spouse and father. This is my story. This may not be the same for others, but I think if one does not try to do better for themselves first it will be too easy to fall back into old habits. In other words to be the better spouse to hope for a better spouse. It may not always work, but one will be better for it. My wife now exercises regularly and eats better. I never complained that she should, she just decided to join along with me in this journey. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm not pretending I have all the answers, I don't, but thought I would humbly chime in. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Ikaika, I think it's great that you were able to work your way to a better place!

Had your wife asked you to stop drinking in the past? Was she involved in your wake up call?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> Ikaika, I think it's great that you were able to work your way to a better place!
> 
> 
> 
> Had your wife asked you to stop drinking in the past? Was she involved in your wake up call?



She made hints and comments about my drinking which I did not completely ignore but it took more than just her asking me to stop. It really was, for me, a combination of things: 

I not only saw how my drinking affected my wife, but also affected my boys relationship with me. 

I was in my 40s but felt so much older and sickly. I was tired of being tired. 

I was distancing myself from other family members. 

At 55, I feel better than when I was 35 and far more energy and a brighter outlook.

I still need to work on being more patient, but I'm getting there. 

This was my unique experience. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Page 4 and 54 posts, and Mr. Macho is still taking in circles and not telling us anything.

So Macho, when are you going to get to the point of your thread and tell us what you have learned, or know, or whatever?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

MachoMcCoy said:


> That's the plan. I won't even TOUCH on my issue.


Macho - You've been asked repeatedly to say what the issues were that your wife wanted you to fix. You have avoided answering and now have started a new thread with no intention of ever discussing your issues, yet you say you know more about walk away wives than pretty much anybody.

You are displaying some very difficult traits that I can only imagine frustrated the heck out of your wife. You say you can define the problem, but don't. You say you have no clue as to solutions except for the very, very vague advice you gave at the start of this thread. 

If you think my thread was not helpful, I can't imagine what good will come of this one. You have yet to LISTEN to a single person besides yourself, yet your own counsel was not sufficient to save your marriage.

When you actually start listening to others and open up, you might get somewhere. I mean, why start a new thread and then immediately jump to "I have to work now, can't discuss my problems on this new thread I just started" and now you won't TOUCH on your issues? Funny, I think you just laid out your issues very clearly - you are a classic avoider. You side step and deflect questions. It's really no wonder how you ended up with a WAW.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

breeze said:


> I say this without any ill intent though I know you won't believe that, you should consider taking a break from all forums for the benefit of your mental health. You see attacks where there are none and from my perspective, your perspective seems completely skewed to make you the victim in every interaction. This is not healthy.


You recent posters must have missed this.

6 likes.

I'm out.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You recent posters must have missed this.
> 
> 6 likes.
> 
> I'm out.


Awwwww, man, that was a bit anti-climactic.

I was hoping he would finally get around to give a huge, inspirational speech with profound advice that would cause a wave or revelation for all of these "Obtuse" men out there. With all the women here backing him up as his cheerleaders to teach all these Neanderthal husbands how to behave.

..or at the very least respond to other people's posts with the same rage and intense emotional anger and talk in circles. 

It was at the very least entertaining to watch.


But in all seriousness, I really think the stories people have shared about what caused their marriage to fail or succeed is really the heart of what TAM is about. I think everyone (or at least I feel I can) draw elements from these stories that they can relate to or that can help them in their own relationships.

Also, I'm glad that @MachoMcCoy seems to have worked things out in his current relationship. I wish he would share more, but at least he seems to have found a balance in his own life and learned from his past.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

@MachoMcCoy

Maybe you should just tell us your story. As painful as it may be to you, there is wisdom in ones experiences and even in the demons they battle. You never know how that may help another weary TAM traveler. I know it's hard to put yourself out there. However, I have found the majority of TAM members to be wise and respectful of another person's troubles, that is of they come here with humility. Give it a try. 

Wisdom and learning, in my experience, can often come from the unlikely places. 


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm concerned about you, Macho. Did something happen?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You recent posters must have missed this.
> 
> 6 likes.
> 
> I'm out.


Me too. 

:catfly: what is a catfly anyway.


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