# Why don't men cheat?



## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.

With respect, I'd prefer not to be preached at by your answer. I'm not looking for a God-centered answer because that's far too obvious and far too vague to be helpful. I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.

As an example. My wife and I love each other dearly, although we seem to have at least a couple differences which we cannot seem to reconcile but which we seem to mutually agree are irrelevant to our day-to-day life. Denominational issues are one. The frequency of sex is another.

My wife sometimes feels insecure that I might want sex with someone else because her psoriatic arthritis simply prevents her from enjoying pain free sex most of the time.

I said, "My love, I'd much rather perform seppuku than commit adultery." I can say this because I had been influenced a great deal by the concept of bushido in my early life... a sense of honor so strict that crossing certain lines indeed have lethal consequences. 

So what is it that can get you to turn your back on a naked lady not your wife who tells you she wants you so bad?


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well for me I might be a little like your situation in that my marriage is pretty good, but a major issue is our sex life and lack thereof that is causing problems. For now I keep hoping we can get it back on track and my relationship with my step daughter are the top reasons I have not stepped out. But I cant judge on some that do as a woman at work last year showed interest in me and made a pass that I rejected. I was real close to giving in as the attention she showed me felt great. But if my issue at home keeps up it will def be a challenge.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I don't know if this is a simple answer or not, but for me I will not cheat because I have made a commitment to someone. My word, and her trust, is way more important than an orgasm.

I have a good relationship. It is not perfect, no, because I don't think there is ever a perfect relationship. But it is good and we take care of each other.

If the relationship started to fall apart then I would try to work on it and if it turned out to not be salvageable then I would end the relationship. Only then would I consider being with another woman, and then only after having taken the appropriate amount of time for me to get back to being me, on my own.

I have seen too many times where people go jumping from one relationship to the next with barely a pause between them and they wind up making the same mistakes over and over again because they never examine themselves.

I guess what I am saying - in response to your question - is that I will not cheat because I know it is not good for me. I know that I have to live with me. I know that if I hurt someone who loves me that I will not want to forgive myself.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Boundaries. It is not about being strong so much as recognising your weakness.

The situation of a naked and attractive woman begging for it would not be an issue because I recognise the difficulty of that and would ensure I never let it get to that point.

I get opportunities. I nip them in the bud. If I find myself struggling with attraction for another lady, I tell my wife. (This has only been necessary once)


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I too would be interested to see the replies Aule gets.

It takes a helluva lot of 'something' for a husband in a marriage where the wife is simply not interested in sex not bothered that she may be depriving him of one of her husbands basic needs in a marriage......for him NOT to seek sexual solace elsewhere.

To those men who do manage to stay faithful under those circumstances, I admire you.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Interesting subject.

Anyway, I have never cheated and I doubt at this point if I ever would. I've had a solid relationship with the wife over the years, but intimacy has never really existed and the marriage has been largely sexless since the beginning. It's difficult for anyone to be in a relationship this long with a woman who has little sexual desire for you. Your mind starts thinking about what could have or should have been, and how greener grass may be out there somewhere. There was a while when I thought about cheating, and I had a few opportunities to do so, but I never went through with them. If anything, I have very, very good self-control and avoid situations that would put me in such a predicament.

Truth told, however, if a magic genie came to me and could guarantee that I wouldn't get caught (wife not find out, no disease, no pregnancy, etc), I would probably cheat on the wife, more out of lack of intimacy with her than my desire to cheat. I am a man of some principles and I do have a very, very comfortable life with my wife. She's been very good to me in most respects, other than the intimacy factor.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think some people don't even ask themselves why they don't cheat...some people just don't, they won't, it will never happen and that's that. For other people, they might, and for still others, even the ones who think they never would, they definitely will if the right conditions exist.

My husband and I understand what those "cheating" conditions are. Usually they are:

needs aren't being fulfilled in the marriage
boundaries are not established or enforced
romantic love is missing, weak, or gone

This doesn't mean that if one need goes unfulfilled or one boundary gets loose that cheating will automatically follow. But chronic lack of fulfillment and enforced boundaries will increase the chances that anyone will cheat.

So...to combat this, you keep each other fulfilled and you create and enforce boundaries.

For us, part of the fulfillment is a rich and happy sex life.

The boundaries are rules we follow that keep us away from potential suitors and certain environments. 

And then the third factor...staying in love helps, too. When you are in love, the sex between you is even better. There are ways of making your romantic love sustainable and renewed, at all times.

It takes effort and time. When you have this much investment in your love life, you want to put in the time, too. 

On top of that...I personally wouldn't cheat because my husband rocks my world and I know it doesn't get any better than this so why go looking for more?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

She keeps me well "feed". No reason too. When I had a reason at several points I did not because I love and respect her.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Probably because I wasn't brought up near/around cheaters.

My mother and father had a disastrous marriage ending in divorce yet I know they did not cheat. 

I have never been a player with more than one girlfriend. I perceive cheating as dirty or soiled.

I have fantasized about 'getting some' elsewhere when my sex life is dismal but would not actually go out and do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Playing devils advocate here - 

A destitute male who is hungry steals a loaf of bread from a store. yes he is guilty of theft...but he stole because he was hungry. We would all understand why he stole.

Married male who's wife refuses to have sex with him because she simply isn't interested in it goes 'over the side' and gets sex outside the marriage. Yes he is guilty of adultery, but he was hungry.....
Would you condemn him outright or....????


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

askari said:


> Playing devils advocate here -
> 
> A destitute male who is hungry steals a loaf of bread from a store. yes he is guilty of theft...but he stole because he was hungry. We would all understand why he stole.
> 
> ...


Then fix the problem within the marriage, divorce or agree to open marriage.

Who is he committing adultery with?

A married woman?

Single woman?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because they choose not to.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Aule said:


> I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.
> 
> With respect, I'd prefer not to be preached at by your answer. I'm not looking for a God-centered answer because that's far too obvious and far too vague to be helpful. I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.
> 
> ...


Why do you say that it's no wonder that men commit adultery?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stealing bread is one thing, stealing sexual intimacy is another.
I have never cheated because I have always been repulsed by crappy sexual behavior. I thought most girls in high school were gross and could not bring myself to be intimate with them because they thought it was o.k. to play musical penises. I have never been open to sharing my sex with other men and the thought of doing it to my SO is equally repulsive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Musical penises. LOOOOOOOOOOL.

And musical vaginas!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I have never been open to sharing my sex with other men and the thought of doing it to my SO is equally repulsive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I meant!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

askari said:


> Playing devils advocate here -
> 
> A destitute male who is hungry steals a loaf of bread from a store. yes he is guilty of theft...but he stole because he was hungry. We would all understand why he stole.
> 
> ...


A destitute man steals bread because he may starve to death. Staying alive is a huge motivator and easily understood.

That's different than a married man who feels he does not get enough sex at home. He's not going to die from it. He either works on the relationship he has, masturbates a lot or divorces his wife. There are options.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Wazza has a good point. Its about boundries and setting them from the start of a relationship.

If you place yourself in situations that continually test your resolve then eventually you will crack.

By removing yourself from that potential you can keep a clean sheet.

It important to always see whats on the other side of the fence. The grass may look greener but its normally astro turf and therfore plastic and not real.

So men (and women ) have the ability to block out the feelings of conscience. These will move into a "cheat" scenario and still walk away without giving it any thought at all. If you love someone then why would you realisticly want to hurt them? There is physical pain and then there is mental pain. The latter takes alot longer to heal if ever.

I have worked in environments where it was mostly women and men semed to be the authority figures. opporunities did come my way. I was able to pride myself that I could side step any "incoming" and make sure I stayed the one that my co works joked about being "squeeky clean". Even today I make sure that I never put myself in a position where my W will wonder is there something here to be aware of.

Simple control, boundries and being open and happy with the one you love. It doesnt cost anything atall.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some choose not to, sure. But why?

The benefits aren't worth the consequences if caught.
Their guilt complex (or morals, integrity, conscience, etc.) is stronger than the urge (at least so far).
They do not want to cause potential harm to their spouse and family.
The temptations available aren't sufficiently motivating.
They are able to avoid most situations where they would be tempted.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Musical penises. LOOOOOOOOOOL.
> 
> And musical vaginas!


I so want to say something here but I can't it's TMI.

It's to do with the noise a trombone makes when played incorrectly.:rofl:


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Probably the same reason a sexually starved women doesn't cheat...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He doesn't cheat bc he's happy. Also, he doesn't have the personality traits of someone who would just cheat to get away with it or for the thrill of it.

If the day comes when he's unhappy,he's going to do several things bc that's just the kind of man he is...
1.Talk to me about why he's unhappy
2.Request counseling if we can't resolve it together on our own
3.try to figure out if there's something he did to cause his own unhappiness.

Cheating isn't an answer in his mind.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Musical penises. LOOOOOOOOOOL.
> 
> And musical vaginas!


"Play Freebird!!"

I lean towards Wazza's point of view. I don't cheat, but it's not due the fact that I'm strong, necessarily; I don't cheat due to the fact that I can be weak, recognize that, and take the necessary measures to protect my marriage from my weaknesses. 

I may not be strong, but my boundaries are.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Simply put - Integrity. 

A word with many meanings:-

Honesty, uprightness, probity, rectitude, honour, honourableness, upstandingness, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, nobility, high-mindedness, right-mindedness, noble-mindedness, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Because the likelihood of finding the missing pieces of our marriage while preserving the existing pieces is not as good as one may think.

If marriage is a single faceted issue or dominated by a single - i.e. sex 14 times a week, social status, children - there are too many missing pieces, too many holes that can't be plugged.

In a more rounded situation where one thing is perceived to be missing (i.e. sex) it may be tempting to cheat to get it but ultimately there's no such thing as single thing missing and the OW is not likely to be able or willing to provide all the missing pieces either.

That, and lack of opportunity. Finding the right person to plug all the missing pieces is time and energy consuming. It may be easier to find a person to plug that one missing piece  but it's rare for a marriage to have a single missing piece even if it is perceived to be as such.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Aule said:


> So what is it that can get you to turn your back on a naked lady not your wife who tells you she wants you so bad?


Well I would never make it into that room to begin with. I am vigilant about avoiding things that may threaten my marriage. For the most part I have no female coworkers or close friends, and I steer clear of women I come in contact that are overly friendly. If my marriage was to get bad enough for me to want someone else, I would just divorce. I've never heard of an affair that ended good. 

I also know that my wife would never give me a second chance and would rip me limb from limb in a divorce if I cheated on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> So what is it that can get you to turn your back on a naked lady not your wife who tells you she wants you so bad?



Well, first off, I've never let myself get into a situation like that. There is plenty of time to get away from the woman before she takes all her clothes off. 

Once, I was confronted by a young woman in her twenties when I was in my twenties. I always had thoughts in the back of my mind that I would like to have sex with her, but she never showed an interest in me. I knew her at a time when I was very young and single. 

She confronted me in a baby doll, partially see-threw and panties when I was married to my first wife. I was in the wrong for putting myself in that position in the first place. Seeing her like that made me realize that.

If I was single, at that time, I may have taken her up on it. The thoughts that have run through my head when in a situation like that are:

-This will end up in a mess with my wife
-What is wrong that she would want a married man
-What is wrong that I would put myself in that position
-I need to get away from her, after all, I'm human
-Run, run fast and run far and go home and make love to wife, or just hug and kiss her because she is the one I chose to be with forever


Some things which I think contribute to my thinking:

-What my parents made me believe about relationships, they were strict and pretty much didn't talk about sex around me. It's a double edged sword
-My religious upbringing and the thought that I am sinning. It's not that I may go to hell, but the fact that someone suffered horribly by being punished for what I did/do. It doesn't always work. Again, I'm human. It does make me want to try my best to keep from doing anything because I can picture another lash, punch, kick, spit, shove, hammer strike to a nail, etc., with me behind it. Each time I am able to do this, I think, that's me holding the whip or the hammer that drove the nails or the mouth behind the spittle. It's not a cure all, it's what has happened in the past.
-I invariably think of something nice that my wife said or did. I don't know why that is. I may force the thought into my head subconsciously?
-Practice with abstinence from meat during Lent and other times of the year. 
-Practice with denial of self during specific times of the year as directed by the church.
-The thought that the person I want to sleep with may have a boyfriend or husband that would be hurt/harmed and would I like it if it was done to me.
-Fear of contracting something
-Fear of being that unknowing cuckold
-Knowledge that my spouse can make my life a living hell if she wanted



There are more. These are a few. 

One thing I want to add and the reason I call myself a recovering Roman Catholic is, while abstinence and self-denial can be good, if done wrong or with the incorrect/over-emphasis, it can be a detriment to allowing myself to live and enjoy life. Everything becomes questionable instead of being something healthy and good. Everything becomes a possible sin. Sacrifice of self becomes the over-whelming thought of the day and all that is done is looking for ways to please others in all things. This creates a kind of thought pattern that says, I don't deserve anything good. It then can make me bitter and guilt ridden as well. Even in the things that are not guilt worthy or bad. There is a balance which must be found. It is one of the major reasons I do not attend church. It is why I don't attend any church. The other being, I love the sacraments and the ceremony involved. I also love the teaching and worship/praise found in the non-denom churches. How about a realistic, healthy religion, that would promote a healthy and loving lifestyle? I can't find it.

I know I went a little off topic. It is my best answer at this time. Hope you can get something out of it other than just the ramblings of a religious fanatic. I assure you, I am not.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

My wife rejects me frequently. She is just very LD or would rather just use a rabbit than have an intimate relationship between us. 

Not bragging, but I have had many opportunities. I am finding many women in their 40's seem to be more aggressive than I would have realized. Also, by not being an overweight guy (typical around here), I guess ladies notice. However, I would NEVER cheat on my wife. There are many reasons:

Integrity - doing the right thing, even when no one is looking
Honoring my vows - I realize she is not by denying sex, but I can only control myself
Risk/Benefit ratio is not there - The financial destruction of divorce and that I would at best see my kids 50% of the time is not worth it

There are several other reasons, but those are the strongest.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Why do I not cheat?

First, I have had opportunities but am deliberately oblivious. Is it tempting? Oh my, yes it is. 

The main reason is that I would not do that to her. Sometimes I think that she would not care. However, personal integrity comes in. If I can't resist the temptation then I need to move on. It does neither my wife nor this other person any favors to only get part of me. Being secretive is a waste of time and energy.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I would just love to read the answer....

Because I really love my wife and I don't want other women.

Naive....I know, but one can dream...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Aule said:


> I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.


There is another big reason that no one has even suggested yet: in some cases it's because they have no sex drive.

If someone is very LD or has lost their desire for sex completely, then they certainly aren't tempted to cheat, are they? 

So outwardly people might think they are saints of integrity, when in reality, they just don't feel the temptation. They are just as likely as anyone else to cheat in other situations, such as cheating on their taxes, inflating their losses on insurance claims, etc.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

askari said:


> Playing devils advocate here -
> 
> A destitute male who is hungry steals a loaf of bread from a store. yes he is guilty of theft...but he stole because he was hungry. We would all understand why he stole.
> 
> ...


Yes, I would. Stealing a loaf of bread because you're broke and hungry is a matter of SURVIVAL. It's about life or death. 

But people CAN and DO survive without sex. Lack of sex does NOT mean that we will die. I haven't had sex in nearly 2 years, and I'm surviving _just fine_!

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> He doesn't cheat bc he's happy. Also, he doesn't have the personality traits of someone who would just cheat to get away with it or for the thrill of it.
> 
> If the day comes when he's unhappy,he's going to do several things bc that's just the kind of man he is...
> 1.Talk to me about why he's unhappy
> ...


I think #3 on your list is why many people end up cheating. They don't take the time and/or have the insight to look at what THEY might be doing/not doing to contribute to their own unhappiness. They're so willing to point a finger at their spouse in order to not have to look at themselves.

Vega


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> Yes, I would. Stealing a loaf of bread because you're broke and hungry is a matter of SURVIVAL. It's about life or death.
> 
> But people CAN and DO survive without sex. Lack of sex does NOT mean that we will die. I haven't had sex in nearly 2 years, and I'm surviving _just fine_!
> 
> Vega


Yes, you are alive and surviving but you are not in your optimal mental or physical health as a result.

I bet your test levels and sex drive is down quite a bit, and self image and motivation cannot be at record levels, because it really does affect your view of self.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Aule,

I am in the boat as you right down to the Psoriatic Arthritis my wife deals with. We have had sex 9 times this year.

The reason I do not cheat is simple- Personal Integrity. I keep the promises I make.

I also do not put myself into situations where I could be tempted because I do not belong there.

OH and I have trouble getting along with just one women, I don't think I could handle two. hahaha


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Yes, you are alive and surviving but you are not in your optimal mental or physical health as a result.


Uhh, yes I AM at my optimal mental and physical health. In fact, I have never been/felt healthier than at this point in my life! 



> I bet your test levels and sex drive is down quite a bit,


Uhh, no. My sex "drive" is not 'down'. I still have the 'urge', and I take care of that MYSELF. One does not NEED a partner in order to have an orgasm. 



> and self image and motivation cannot be at record levels, because it really does affect your view of self.


Uhh, no. My self image has never been an issue, even when I was carrying around an extra 40 lbs. I have lost the weight over the past year, work out regularly, and I probably look better in my 50's than I did in my 30's. 

One can be just as healthy physically and mentally without sex. In fact, they can even be _healthier_! 

Vega


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Simply put - Integrity.
> 
> A word with many meanings:-
> 
> Honesty, uprightness, probity, rectitude, honour, honourableness, upstandingness, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, nobility, high-mindedness, right-mindedness, noble-mindedness, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness



All this, and karma is a b!tch.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vega said:


> Uhh, yes I AM at my optimal mental and physical health. In fact, I have never been/felt healthier than at this point in my life!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't completely agree. Sure you can be healthier physically by getting in shape without sex than if you were fatter with sex.

But if you add sex to yourself now, you will feel better about yourself.

Sex does not equal masterbation at all, pheremones and the activity affect the mind and hormone outputs in a male.

Sex adds to a mans self image who cares about sex. I mean if you don't care about sex or the male female interaction or even think negatively about it, it will not help you.

Everytime I have gone through a drought, and add one sex session, just ONE, there is a night and day difference in my outlook, my emotions, and people just see something different.

I remember when I added sex for the first time in my life and something came alive in me. It was a different world with it.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I left this out on my last one, 

It is not all that great of a reason but I do not cheat because I like most of my life too much. Cheaters always get caught and eventually my current situation would fall apart. The only issue is lack of sex. If my marriage is going to end, I want it to end on a better note than deceiving her.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I left this out on my last one,
> 
> It is not all that great of a reason but I do not cheat because I like most of my life too much. Cheaters always get caught and eventually my current situation would fall apart. The only issue is lack of sex. If my marriage is going to end, I want it to end on a better note than deceiving her.


And for your personal integrity, this affects you. It's a great way to be. If sex is important don't waste your life away denying it, that's not healthy either cause it's lying to yourself over all those years, which also is a lack of integrity.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

treyvion said:


> And for your personal integrity, this affects you. It's a great way to be. If sex is important don't waste your life away denying it, that's not healthy either cause it's lying to yourself over all those years, which also is a lack of integrity.


I work hand-in-hand with an incredibly attractive woman. Every time the thought even creeps into my mind, I think to myself, "Why throw away what you have just for sex." Again, my marriage may end next year but I will be able to hold my head up high instead of knowing that I gave in to temptation and was weak.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I work hand-in-hand with an incredibly attractive woman. Every time the thought even creeps into my mind, I think to myself, "Why throw away what you have just for sex." Again, my marriage may end next year but I will be able to hold my head up high instead of knowing that I gave in to temptation and was weak.


Yes thats the thing, don't break your integrity and don't make her a cheater. You gain strength in the process of sticking to your values. I don't think it takes long for someone to decide whether they want to remain on board, they stretch it out because they know they can get away with it and they have more value in doing so.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

This thread reminds me that there are men out there who are NOTHING like my stbxh. 

Thank you.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The latest discussion makes me want to expand on my previous answer.

I regard myself as a person of integrity, but I find that answer simplistic, in my case at least. I have had a lot of opportunities to cheat, and not taken them. But if I am honest, it has been a struggle at times. So have I not cheated just because I am so damn amazingly decent? Or is it just that the right combination of circumstances never arose. 

My wife had an affair, handled it badly, and led to some very lean years, emotionally and sexually. But in fact I learned from her mistakes. If I hadn't, would I have fallen?

Related to that, I would say she is a more decent person than me. But it happens she is very non-confrontational, and as a result will be "tactful" in her responses. At times, by my standards, the tact slips into lying. During her affair, she was trying to deal with it (at times anyway) and at the same time lying to me at least partially because the knowledge of it would hurt me. Of course, the lies did incalculable damage. I would never do that. 

Yet most people who meet us would say she is caring, gentle and can get on with anybody. They would say I am comparatively blunt, and it can be hurtful to some degree. In many circumstances, her personality trait is the better one, but in this context it was deadly. 

So I cannot just buy the idea that some people have more integrity than others. Integrity and decency are more complex than that. 

In fact my original answer - recognise my weakness and don't let it go there - really reflects what I learned from her mistakes. 

As a side comment, up until the time of her affair, the answer I would have given is inarut's dream answer. It was only in the wake of her affair that we had some awful years and other women became a temptation to me.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Because they choose not to.


This thread can go on for 20+ pages, but it really just comes down to choice. That simple.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regardless of the shape or the unique characteristics of one's genitalia, it has absolutely no bearing on their propensity for "cheating!"

Just chalk it all up to "free will!"*


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I respect myself and I respect and love my wife.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Regardless of the shape or the unique characteristics of one's genitalia, it has absolutely no bearing on their propensity for "cheating!"*


Ok, that's a bit weird.....care to amplify your point?

(Says he, quietly checking in his trousers for deformity!)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Ok, that's a bit weird.....care to amplify your point?
> 
> (Says he, quietly checking in his trousers for deformity!)


*Please excuse my rather crude euphemism. 

It has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with one sex as opposed to the other or the inherent size of their equipment, inasfar as the act of cheating itself is largely concerned! If a person truly wants to cheat, and then embraces that choice to do so, then, by golly, they're going to cheat no matter what ~ with no "and's," "if's," or but's!"*


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Why don’t I cheat? No freaking idea why. Seriously, I can justify the heck out of it in my head. Hot girl, some silly conversation gets started, she starts making innuendoes and we are laughing together, and the first thing I always manage to do is c0ckblock myself and throw up some force field like she’s rabid. I can’t control this, it just comes oh so naturally... Maybe I’m scared? Or maybe crazy because I also beat myself up over it later like some massive shame that I was unable to even flirt back and got all... well.... like me and how I am so I set myself up for intentional failure.

Hate to admit, but shortly after DD, I sort of tried to setup a RA and those old systems kicked into place even when I didn’t want them to. A single attractive female friend offered to help me ‘get her back’. She got really close physically after telling me this and how much she hates my wife for doing this to me; It just felt so uncomfortable and I was crawling out of my skin. It just felt like my brain and everything was wired to RA... but I panicked anyway and ran like hell. 

I’m not all that noble. I know I too just want to feel wanted. It just for some reason feels weird as hell and uncomfortable to have any of that stuff come from anyone besides my wife.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This question comes up every now and then in various forms. Because of the nature of this board you will get an overwhelmingly one-sided response.

I would have been on that side. I was on that side. But over the last year or so I've grown cynical, hard, jaded. I now believe the only thing keeping a man from cheating is the right set of circumstances have yet to present itself. Honor, loyalty all of that I understand. I lived and breathed that all my life. But this kind of life changes you. When you have testosterone coursing through your entire body day in a day out and all you need is your loved one yet are rebuffed constantly, I truly believe that I and perhaps many others are susceptible to another. 

So the only thing stopping someone is the right set of circumstances not being present.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

sinnister said:


> This question comes up every now and then in various forms. Because of the nature of this board you will get an overwhelmingly one-sided response.
> 
> I would have been on that side. I was on that side. But over the last year or so I've grown cynical, hard, jaded. I now believe the only thing keeping a man from cheating is the right set of circumstances have yet to present itself. Honor, loyalty all of that I understand. I lived and breathed that all my life. But this kind of life changes you. When you have testosterone coursing through your entire body day in a day out and all you need is your loved one yet are rebuffed constantly, I truly believe that I and perhaps many others are susceptible to another.
> 
> So the only thing stopping someone is the right set of circumstances not being present.


And whether that set of circumstances ever arises is partially within your control.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

Always Learning, I am so glad you are there to understand me. 

It took no less than seven years to find out all the cause of my wife's miseries and reluctance to have sex. We couldn't find out earlier because I was unemployed and on SSDI and my wife had no health insurance. She still doesn't but we decided to consult a specialist because we decided it was time for her to file her own SSDI application.

My wife and I make love about 3 times/month +- 1. It's nearly always an unearthly experience for us both. I can't have enough of it from her. My wife never climaxes through intercourse, so I use other means, and she recently conferred upon me a doctorate in lovemaking. In tears, I told her that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I need intercourse with my wife for the bonding more than anything else. Usually we can arrange for my daughter to stay the weekend with Grampa, and then I can really cut loose and finally be in that one place where I can forget all my troubles and all my sorrows... in my wife's arms and inside her.

I'll give you all my own personal answer as to why I don't cheat, even under the circumstances given, but you might think it egotistical.

I have only found two women in my life who meet my personal standards both for intelligence and compassion for having intercourse with. One of them is more than 20 years dead, from MS, my first love. The other is my wife.

I skipped all of 7th and 8th grades, graduating high school at 15. The only woman I'm willing to put myself inside has to be genius level or better. Any girl lesser feels to me like an inflatable doll would feel to an average man. Sorry, I've had a few short relationships between my great loves where I discovered this the hard way. The speed of an average woman's thoughts compared to mine are like standing still. Sorry. I know a lot of women would take offense at that. To me, having a nearly equal speed of sensation and reaction with whom I'm being intimate with is paramount for establishing an effective feedback cycle for the intimacy.

As far as compassion is concerned. When I said yes to the offer to skip when I was 11, I was being raised in a violent household and was being bullied on a nearly daily basis. I swore by all living things as my witness that I would NEVER grow up to become the same kind of people who treated myself or each other so horribly... and were I to find myself becoming that I would put myself down for the sake of the world. 

I literally cannot be deliberately cruel or I would have to die. Adultery is definitely a form of deliberately cruelty. Therefore, committing adultery should initiate this particular starship's destruct sequence. I would have to leave my wife first before I can even consider transferring my loyalties to another.

The reason a woman's compassion is so important as well as her intellect is because I have a very rare form of autism. My mental patterns are black and white as typical for autistics, but my behavior patterns are completely unaffected. I have full theory of mind, and I can blend into the general population.

Except when it comes to intimate relationships. I can't read or project the subliminal body language necessary for seducing someone. I need plainer and more direct communication. Fortunately, both of these women had made it very plain indeed that they wanted me, and I loved them both with all my heart for willing to meet me halfway on this.

--------------------

So: The reason I don't cheat is the odds of finding a lady worth cheating with are just about nil.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Intellectual prowess has nothing to do with personality, sexuality, or anything of the sort. My wife has plenty of intelligence, as do I (both PhDs) and a lot of good that has done to our relationship.... Her approach in life is so different than mine that there's no point to even compare the two. Yet as far as being a perfect marriage partner she actually was a good match :rofl:

If I wanted to cheat I would make sure that (a) work does not EVER get mentioned inside the house, let alone the bedroom, and that (b) her maturity level would need to be a match for mine  which is way on the low side... I rarely come across as an intellectual type, heck, I often go out of my way to the exact opposite.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Duplicate post


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Aule said:


> With respect, I'd prefer not to be preached at by your answer. I'm not looking for a God-centered answer because that's far too obvious and far too vague to be helpful. I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.
> 
> ...
> 
> So what is it that can get you to turn your back on a naked lady not your wife who tells you she wants you so bad?


I think you're going to miss a significant portion of the reason if we must comply with the first part of what I quoted. If you want a reason, you have to be willing to accept that this is a reason for many of us. That's what formed our ideas from the beginning, and that's what formed a big part of our personalities. I was taught what was right and wrong in the context of a Christian home, and it is so much a part of me that I cannot separate any of my behavior and my thoughts about right and wrong from it. So it is a very real, and concrete reason - not vague at all.

Nobody ever said it was easy, and I don't beleive I have the strength on my own to resist. I'm given guidelines like not going into situations where I know I'll be tempted, and I do my best to comply with these. So, for example, some may think it is a bit overboard, but I'm not going to invite a woman to a private place, nor am I going to accept her invitation to a private place without my wife being present, or someone that I can trust being present. A little quick sex on the side may give someone a short term thrill, but my marriage is a long term thing from which a lot of happiness in life originates. The former is not worth sacrificing the latter for, so when evaluating situations, I take the approach of "Better safe than sorry," and prioritizing which of those things I want. 

I don't really run into a lot of situations where there are a lot of naked women sitting around telling me she wants me so bad. . I've had a couple of women in my lifetime come on very strongly to me, and one surprised the heck out of me ... to the point she shocked me into a state of turn-off I think. The key thing is to not stay in the situation. If I stay there, I'm sure at some point I'll weaken ... so looking back at the priorities, I need to plan appropriately.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

It's who I am.


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## tinamh (Dec 5, 2013)

so what I am getting from here from some, if a man chooses a profession where he is gone for 1 to 2 weeks at a time, he will cheat???? It's called growing up, holding yourself accountable for your actions, respect for your spouse and just plain having integrity. I understand people make mistakes, but more than one moment in time and it is no longer just a mistake


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

tinamh said:


> *so what I am getting from here from some, if a man chooses a profession where he is gone for 1 to 2 weeks at a time, he will cheat???? *It's called growing up, holding yourself accountable for your actions, respect for your spouse and just plain having integrity. I understand people make mistakes, but more than one moment in time and it is no longer just a mistake


*I disagree.* I've held such a job, and the same thing applies. No. I don't cheat on my wife.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Intellectual prowess has nothing to do with personality, sexuality, or anything of the sort. My wife has plenty of intelligence, as do I (both PhDs) and a lot of good that has done to our relationship.... Her approach in life is so different than mine that there's no point to even compare the two. Yet as far as being a perfect marriage partner she actually was a good match :rofl:

If I wanted to cheat I would make sure that (a) work does not EVER get mentioned inside the house, let alone the bedroom, and that (b) her maturity level would need to be a match for mine  which is way on the low side... I rarely come across as an intellectual type, heck, I often go out of my way to the exact opposite.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> I think you're going to miss a significant portion of the reason if we must comply with the first part of what I quoted. If you want a reason, you have to be willing to accept that this is a reason for many of us. That's what formed our ideas from the beginning, and that's what formed a big part of our personalities. I was taught what was right and wrong in the context of a Christian home


Technically, I'm in one too. However, I converted from liberal Judaism to liberal Methodism, and my wife is a King-James biblical inerrant (something she did not let me know when we were dating, and I resent that).

We raise our daughter to consider ALL sides of an ethical question, not just use "Because God said so", as the sole
dictate for making choices in life. As I see it, there are
ethical values which even God must obey, otherwise He
isn't worthy of the title. Or as I tell my daughter,
"Christianity does not have the corner on decent behavior."

I just didn't want to be spammed by evangelicals, is all. You're okay.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

john117 said:


> Intellectual prowess has nothing to do with personality, sexuality, or anything of the sort. My wife has plenty of intelligence, as do I (both PhDs) and a lot of good that has done to our relationship.... Her approach in life is so different than mine that there's no point to even compare the two. Yet as far as being a perfect marriage partner she actually was a good match :rofl:
> 
> If I wanted to cheat I would make sure that (a) work does not EVER get mentioned inside the house, let alone the bedroom, and that (b) her maturity level would need to be a match for mine  which is way on the low side... I rarely come across as an intellectual type, heck, I often go out of my way to the exact opposite.



I suppose an intellectual person can find a piece of tail nearly anywhere if he's not too picky, and all he's wanting is a romp in the hay where he gets off in some willing flesh with a few dirty words in the process, and feels good. Kind of like riding a WWII Corsair F4-U aircraft. I think were you to be cheating, that's what you'd be looking for.

My preference is kind of like the futuristic Veritech Valkyrie (Macross fictional but the metaphor holds), a top of the line aerospace craft, ground to orbit when equipped with a FAST pack. You're surrounded, body and soul, by the complete experience, and you get to see stars at the end of it.

I'm frankly spoiled for anything less, and there aren't that many Valkyries out there.

(My apologies to women for having to use a fighter aircraft metaphor for comparison)


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Aule said:


> I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.
> 
> With respect, I'd prefer not to be preached at by your answer. I'm not looking for a God-centered answer because that's far too obvious and far too vague to be helpful. I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.
> 
> ...


You make sure that you do not find yourself in this situation.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Aule said:


> I'm frankly spoiled for anything less, and there aren't that many Valkyries out there.
> 
> (My apologies to women for having to use a fighter aircraft metaphor for comparison)


The thing is, tho, that like another Valkyrie I'm familiar with (XB-70) many exotic, perfect match, high performance women may be hangar queens, requiring a lot of maintenance . Not to mention difficult to fly. My aviation analogy preference would be the Fairchild Republic A-10. Not very pretty, but reliable, capable, unique, and oh so loud. 

Don't get me started on women and aviation museums :rofl: three in one month last year (Seattle Museum of Flight, Udvar-something, Smithsonian A&S)


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

OP, you do realize that many men don't actually get any interest from women enough to cheat, right?


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

That may indeed be true in my case, both before and
after. I had ZERO interest from girls in high school or
college because of a two year grade skip. The one
who actually took my virginity was an assistant sensei
in the karate class I was taking, when I was a college
junior at 18. How that happened was an amazing story 
in its own right. SHE spoiled me for anyone less.

I was browsing ICQ when the lady who would be my
wife had sent me a message out of the blue.

Unearthly luck, both times.

I now live in an isolated rural community. My wife was born there and is actually the most gifted lady in the town. Most
everyone in our age bracket is either unemployed or works at Wal-Mart, there's not much else and the nearest city is 40 miles away.

So you're right. By rights no woman should have taken an interest in my, and I suppose that logically follows for many other men.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

john117 said:


> The thing is, tho, that like another Valkyrie I'm familiar with... (XB-70)


I looked up my Valkyrie and found your Valkyrie on it. Interesting.

This is pretty much what I'm talking about, I'm not considering the other modes of the aircraft (though maybe I should LOL)

VF-1 Valkyrie - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Modes
Fighter mode


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Bottom line though, high performance is related to high initial cost and high maintenance cost and lots of downtime potential 

I'm convinced having excessive intellect and marrying someone with same don't mix... If you're low key about it, it will work, but if you get two high strung smart people neither will be compromising willfully a whole lot, and cheating or other marital issues would be the natural next step.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I grew up in a divorced family...all due to my mom cheating...so I had some deep seated negative feelings about cheating and infidelity since I was 15...

Once I was married...I had proper boundries...I didnt go to bars by myself, I did NOT put myself in situations that led to bad decisions, especially where alcohol was concerned

If I found a female getting too close and personal, I brought it back to safety...boundries...

And the few times that, despite all this, I found myself with a willing and able mistress, it was NEVER EVER worth throwing away my family for...NEVER...

The closest I think I EVER came was on a work trip...I was on the other side of the planet for 3 weeks and one of our "sponsors" was a beautiful Japanese woman...my age (at the time 35 ish) and she made it perfectly clear we could cohabitate while we were there (we were not in japan, both of us had families in other countries)

this was the perfect scenario...almost no chance whatsoever I would get caught, she was safe, it would have been easy to get away with...no exchange of phone numbers...it would end when we flew to our repsective countries...hell I wasnt even with coworkers that would have known...yet I still could not do it...I held strong and held her back for 2 of the 3 weeks...she was almost relentless...honestly I didnt even come close...I dont think I am wired to be a cheater...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Aule said:


> I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. * I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.*
> 
> I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.
> 
> ...


I am going to answer this for my husband, he has an account here but his answer might only be a sentence or 2..... I know him like the back of my hand...(together for 31 yrs)....

Even when young...although he was never Mr Alpha with women chasing him....yet still...he was the type of guy who didn't want to just SCREW around...he was looking for LOVE, he's always said this to me...he couldn't have sex with just anyone...he needs the attachment/ it has to be something lasting / feeling mutual Love... (Don't get me wrong, he enjoys LOOKING at naked women though, he's still normal !)

He waited yrs for intercourse ...with me, he was wholly committed..I say this -because most men would not wait -but would have dumped me...this is how important he sees the marriage bed....he is a natural Romantic.. 

He is a one woman man type...I have never felt, in all my yrs with him that he wanted someone else...he's always been satisfied with me...but ya know.. 

I really believe even if he was miserable, he wouldn't cheat... as he wouldn't be able to look himself in the mirror.. I asked him once if He married someone else & his marriage went Sexless....what if we met up later in life ...and I seduced him...throwing myself at him....(if I was in a miserable marriage myself).....he told me he doesn't think he could do it...that is just how he IS... though he added if anyone could get him to go there...it would be me. 

He is not a religious man either..it's more of his personal ethics, how he upholds his word to another, and how strongly he takes the marriage vows...Very Honorable.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Cheating for me was rooted in a sort of "trapped" position with no good options. My answer as to why I wouldn't cheat would likely have been similar to almost everyone else's... and I still went there.

I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to stay. However, all the reasons I didn't want to stay were enough to not care about cheating anymore. I felt betrayed so I didn't care about betraying her. Resentful emotional thought had the reins and the reasons I didn't want to leave weren't really about my ex.

All the convictions, rational arguments and points in the world mean nothing when you're in that weird state of boiling under the surface. Its a dangerous place of convoluted contradicting emotions. On one hand trying to save things and on another you want to explode and destroy it all... and the easiest route is to dissociate. I became two different people and I can point to the very moment that mental crack happened. It took damn near a year to figure out who I was and what I really wanted again.

Its really not as simple as saying I wanted some side tail. Leaving a failed marriage is hard... at least it was for me. Especially when there's plenty of good in it, in spite of certain fatal flaws. For me, cheating was almost like a complete refusal to accept that I had to lose (hard to explain) to move forward. I was as opposed to cheating as anyone... and I still caved to it, and subsequently pursued it further once I had built up a sort of mental segmentation and bucket of rationalizations to excuse it from myself. I didn't want to cheat and I still wish I had the presence of mind at the time to realize the ship could not be saved. That divorce wasn't a declaration of my failure.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He is not a religious man either..it's more of his personal ethics, how he upholds his word to another, and how strongly he takes the marriage vows...Very Honorable.


This I can understand. Sensei and I had been friends for a year. I learned a lot of her values (my abusive family's were worthless), and it was from her I learned bushido.

When she felt I was ready, she gave herself to me on Christmas Eve... completely by surprise... following up with all the other nights of Christmas break.

I was staying with her folks. Just as I was about to fall asleep, she walked to my bed, naked, sat close to me, opened her arms out toward me, then simply said: Merry Christmas. Come here.

Being taught and treated this way by her was simply unforgettable.

I can accept nothing less. Living the values she taught me is the way I honor her memory.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

I'm a chick, but I'll have a go. 

Because I value my integrity. I've worked hard to maintain it and refuse to give it up cheaply. I will divorce first if it comes to that.

I'm pretty sure H feels the same.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm divorced now, and sex was much less frequent than I would have liked in my marriage, but it's just a personal mind-set; cheating never crossed my mind. For me, it's like asking why I never robbed a bank when i was low on money. Cheating was just not on my list of life activities that I find normal enough to allow myself to do.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm too calculating to have any integrity left 

If you're in the right crowd or field of work it's easy to cheat and even easier to get away with it. If cheating would address any of the issues I have in my marriage, albeit temporarily, I would be more than happy to indulge.

But in practice you solve one problem and open more cans of worms, hence it's a non starter. Think of it in criminal terms: you need motive, opportunity, and means. A friend got tired of the "quarterly plan" with his wife and sought an outside dalliance. He got his tail but at the same time hot way too involved with his OW and her affairs (going thru divorce herself) so things got way too ugly in a hurry. After a while he stopped worrying about the new cans of worms. Not a good situation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Aule said:


> This I can understand. Sensei and I had been friends for a year. I learned a lot of her values (my abusive family's were worthless), and it was from her* I learned bushido.*
> 
> When she felt I was ready, she gave herself to me on Christmas Eve... completely by surprise... following up with all the other nights of Christmas break.
> 
> ...


Honor her memory ? Is this a 1st wife who passed ?

I've never heard of *Bushido*..so I looked it up.. ..the 7 virtues ~ very honorable...reminds me of all the things I list on my MAN thread here >> 

Characteristics of a REAL MAN, worthy of Praise & Honor


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I get full credit for 3 out of 7 (confidence, perseverance, and self control)... Not bad 

The remaining 4 are there but in lower quantities....


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I think I've told this story before on here. 

I think it was 2 years ago. I had to go to a convention in a city a few states away. And I put off packing, and wasn't as organized as I should have been. 
But I forgot my wedding ring on that trip. 
So I was a thousand miles away from home, without my wedding ring. 

At the convention, I saw an old friend of mine, and to make it easy to keep the names straight, we'll call her Jane. She was a great old college buddy of mine. We majored in the same field, had all the same classes, and we were great friends. But after graduation, we didn't keep up as much. We got jobs for different companies, and we didn't keep in contact as much. It was nice seeing her. 
So one day after the convention, she asked me if I would like to go get some drinks and catch up. I thought, "Hey, why not?" We hadn't talked in years, and we were at one time great friends. 
So, after too much drinking and catching up, she asked me if I was still married. Having too much alcohol in me at the time, I asked her why she wanted to know. 
She told me how she had a huge crush on me in college. How she wished I had seen her as a potential girlfriend instead of just a friend. She kept waiting for me to ask her out, and when graduation came and past, and I started dating other women, she realized I wasn't going to. And when I eventually got married, she knew her chances were gone.
So here we were, however many years later, with Jane telling me this. She asked me if I was divorced. Because she regretted that she was too scared/timid to do it herself years ago in college when we were close friends. So she decided she would take her chances now.

Now, I'll be honest. It was tempting. Very tempting. I could have lied, and said I was divorced, and started an affair right there.
Plus, I had known her longer than I knew my life. At the time, I hadn't know my wife for more than a decade, while I had known Jane for 10+ years. The history, the attraction, it was all there.

But I thought back in my life. My dad cheated, and killed my family. And I thought of all the pain this action would bring. How I would break my (at the time) wife's heart, having to tell her I cheated on her. How it would devastate her. She had filled me up with love and affection for 5 years. How could I betray that?

So I told Jane that I was a happily married man. But I told her to keep her courage, because it had to take some to ask me about it. And I told her that she would meet some guy that she would really like, and she would be able to ask him out, and she would find her happiness. She just had to keep looking and have the courage to take a chance. 
I was asked out by my XW. Nothing wrong with asking the guy out. 

Now in hindsight, why did I stay faithful? (especially given the fact of how my marriage was dead less than 1 year later) 
Because I had experienced the pain of cheating once. Not by a spouse, but by a parent. I told myself, I would never do that to my family or my wife. 
And I didn't. 

It didn't take religion.
Maybe it was living through the pain when I was younger, and seeing how infidelity destroys lives. 
Or maybe it was my wife. Filling me up with steak and sex for 5 years. That will make almost any man love any woman. Sure made me fall hard for her. 
Maybe it was both. 

Don't know if that is what you're looking for, but there ya go.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Honor her memory ? Is this a 1st wife who passed ?


Not a wife. However, she could have been. I had proposed to her during our last day together.

She was 32 years old and a perpetual graduate student, independently wealthy, who committed herself daily to learning for it's own sake. She was a very, very deep person, far more intelligent than I was, than I was above average.

I was 18 years old and a college junior. How we got to know each other is inspirational in its own right, but not relevant here.

Sensei turned me down because of age difference.

She said: "The world needs you. You need to go out there, do things, accomplish things, learn things. Use all you learned from me and make me proud."

I said I'd just as soon stay home and raise her babies. She said that would be very unfair to me and to my career.

She didn't want me seeing her again, as she feared I would remain fixated on her, and she did not want that. She did give me her phone number and said I could call her any time of the day or night for advice on problems with adjusting to people, because she knew I had autism.

Her one final comment before we parted for good, was that I had become an amazing lover and would make some lucky girl a fantastic husband. I don't think she was brushing me off. After all, she taught me all I knew, and taught me to be what was perfect for her.

So we were telephone friends for years, and I'd call her once or twice a year for problems with office politics and such.

Then I had one last phone conversation with her, 10 years later. It seems 2 years after our Christmas together, she married a professor she had her eye on for several years, but was far too afraid to approach until, in her words, I "healed her heart." She had two girls by this professor. 

Sensei told me she was dying, in terminal stages of MS. She was glad to talk with me one last time so she would thank me for everything I had done for her, but she needed to be discreet so as not to upset her husband, so she had to speak indirectly.

I thanked her, also, for everything she had done for me. Her final words to me were: "It was my honor."

I was on the other side of the country, so she evidently died not too much later.

I can't ever forget her. Never. No way.

I stared into those brown eyes of hers each time I was deep inside her, and like a monolith they changed something deep inside me forever.

She is why I am good.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> My goodness, I had no idea.
> 
> I was going to post for different reasons, but this blew me away.
> 
> I will ask anyway: Aule, the name intrigues me. Deep in the Tolkien?


Yes. It's a darned shame I can't have Aulë as a user-id here, but alas they only use ASCII here for hashing accounts.

I had read the Silmarillion when it came out in hard-cover. I was 17 at the time. Many horrible things happened that year. My parents split up. I had to face down my own father from invading my mom's house by breaking an entering a window. I stopped my mom from slashing her wrists. I tried reading the Ainulindale to my grandfather in a coma, but my family got too wierded out and sent me to the basement till he finally died.

Tolkien was all the inspiration I had available for surviving till I met Sensei.

It wasn't until I had been functionally retired from my career as an aerospace engineer. I gave myself Aulë as my anonymous internet call-sign because there were very few things I couldn't do with the right tools and technology and budget. What I lacked was motivation.

Being The Angel Of Invention seemed to be a pretty good description of me.

So yes... I am Aulë


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I think most men cheat like 60-70% of them not serial, but once during marriage at some point I think it's that high. It may be a kiss, a pet, a EA, or sex, but I'm almost 40 I can't think of a guy I know who has been faithful, unless they are really into church.

Most were just a long time ago..........."Yeah, that one time, but I'm not worried about cheating anymore. Shoot I'm almost 50 I love my wife!"


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Yeah, that one time, but I'm not worried about cheating anymore. Shoot I'm almost 50 I love my wife!"


I'm hardly bloodless or pure myself. At my present age (51), I am afraid I will miss out on all the other opportunities other men had as teenagers or younger men to have a fun, meaningless, romp in the hay, as so many men seem to describe it as a
normal part of human development.

I was never a normal human. I don't know whether autism, intellect, or a horrible home eliminated all my opportunities to develop that way.

Someone extraordinary made up for all that... but she could not change the fact that I was fundamentally different. All she could do, was point the way. As I described earlier.

Decades later I found a genuine companion, rather than a teacher... my wife. I still love her more than all the stars in the sky, value her more than all the gems in the earth.

I am, however, still temptable. My greatest fear now is that if I become widowed I will be too old and too poor to attract anyone. I sometimes feel the urge to just go out there and sow my wild oats now before it is too late, just so I have the memories of having meaningless wild fun as solace against my being lonely forever.

But then I imagine Sensei would be very disappointed if I did that. She went to a lot of effort to rebuild me and I can't let her work be in vain.

So I have my troubles and my urges, too.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

At this age you can attract people, the question is whether you can attract the "right" people... There's a lot of women around me with high FWB'ing potential but very few that would tempt me enough to make a relationship out of it..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Musical penises. LOOOOOOOOOOL.
> 
> And musical vaginas!


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

john117 said:


> At this age you can attract people, the question is whether you can attract the "right" people... There's a lot of women around me with high FWB'ing potential but very few that would tempt me enough to make a relationship out of it..


Just so that you and others can understand...

I never set out to be better than anyone else. In truth, I haven't accomplished anything extraordinary in science or engineering as I had hoped to as a child. 

I don't even consider myself "better" than anyone for even skipping grades. All I've ever really accomplished with my mind was to learn to make my autism workable and bootstrap over it. Everything else was an accident.

All I wanted to have were the same experiences everyone else was having. It's not lust which tempts me. It's envy.

All I ever wanted to be was normal, just like one of you... just like everyone else. I have the right to a fully human life and I have worked EXTREMELY HARD, with professional help and the right friends, to get as close to that as I am able... but it's so dang difficult sometimes...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Juicer said:


> So I told Jane that I was a happily married man. But I told her to keep her courage, because it had to take some to ask me about it. And I told her that she would meet some guy that she would really like, and she would be able to ask him out, and she would find her happiness. She just had to keep looking and have the courage to take a chance.
> I was asked out by my XW. Nothing wrong with asking the guy out.
> 
> Now in hindsight, why did I stay faithful? (especially given the fact of how my marriage was dead less than 1 year later)


So.... have you gone and looked up Jane now that you're divorced?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Aule said:


> *Not a wife. However, she could have been. I had proposed to her during our last day together*.
> 
> She was 32 years old and a perpetual graduate student, independently wealthy, who committed herself daily to learning for it's own sake. She was a very, very deep person, far more intelligent than I was, than I was above average.
> 
> ...


 Can I say she handled you in a very beautiful WAY.. .. very touching story, your meeting, what you shared with one another... 



> *Her one final comment before we parted for good, was that I had become an amazing lover and would make some lucky girl a fantastic husband. * I don't think she was brushing me off. After all, she taught me all I knew, and taught me to be what was perfect for her.


 Words to hang on to... :smthumbup:



> Then I had one last phone conversation with her, 10 years later. It seems 2 years after our Christmas together, she married a professor she had her eye on for several years, but was far too afraid to approach until, *in her words, I "healed her heart."* She had two girls by this professor.


 again.. very touching.. 



> Sensei told me she was dying, in terminal stages of MS. She was glad to talk with me one last time so she would thank me for everything I had done for her, but she needed to be discreet so as not to upset her husband, so she had to speak indirectly.
> 
> I thanked her, also, for everything she had done for me. * Her final words to me were: "It was my honor."*
> 
> ...


 Wow, brought a tear to my eye.. though If I was married to you, I think I'd be jealous of this great lost love... Makes me think of this saying.. She was great Mentor to you - in a # of ways..


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

I've never cheated on anyone in my life. This means I've never seen more than one person at a time, I've never cheated on a girlfriend, I've never cheated on a fiance, and I've never cheated on a wife. In all circumstances, I've had many opportunities. I just feel that it is wrong. Committing to someone in any way should not be taken lightly. People do make mistakes, and I can't say that I won't ever make that mistake. But I always believe in being kind to others and having good morals, and I don't believe cheating is very kind. My thought process has nothing to do with God or religion, just a self belief.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Aule said:


> I'm curious about something. I'm sure its no wonder that a lot of men do cheat on their wives. I'm curious about the ones who don't. Is it the fact that there are not enough opportunity, or is it the fact that they have some kind of extraordinary strength to resist the opportunity when it arises.
> 
> With respect, I'd prefer not to be preached at by your answer. I'm not looking for a God-centered answer because that's far too obvious and far too vague to be helpful. I'm looking for the what it is in personality traits which can resist adultery.
> 
> ...



The reason I haven't done the cheating and affair, but I've come close a few times in the distant past, was because I am a God fearing man. If it wasn't for that, I would of had sex with all the hot ladies wanting sex with me. Another reason, my wife hasn't run out and had physical affairs on me, so why do it to her? So, one's faith is a major reason and how we are raised is another. But from TAM, I totally understand why men and women have Emotional and Physical Affairs because their spouses aren't taking care of their needs and don't seem to care or get it, so they get weak over time and if the situation presents itself, very prone to EA or PA.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Wow, brought a tear to my eye.. though If I was married to you, I think I'd be jealous of this great lost love...


@SimplyAmorous

Is it realistic for a wife to be jealous of a deceased lover?

In any case, a lot can only be understood in context. When you understand that context, the jealousy goes away. You would NOT envy my circumstances.

I first met Sensei on a stormy day, completely shrouded in a yellow rubber rain-jacket, face hidden in a hood, hobbling on crutches. I was waiting out on a building's doorstep for my next class. I jumped up and offered my seat as the figure approached. A lady's voice thanked me but offered to share the seat with me instead.

That's how Sensei and I met: by chance and by courtesy.

Between my sophomore and junior years we would find a place once a week to talk about anything whatever. She had torn something in her knee as a result of a sparring accident. Eventually she had an operation to fix it, and then we'd not only talk but also spar as her knee healed.

By the time that entire year passed, Sensei knew most of the details of my life. She knew that I didn't talk till 6 and required extensive specialized schooling just to do that. She knew my dad was a child and wife beater (the reason I was learning karate was self-control so I would never do the same). 

She knew I had actually faced down my dad by bluffing him with a challenge stance on the inside of the window he was breaking into. I had lifted my fists high in the air for him to see, then brought them down by my sides. I told her I was incredibly scared that I had nothing but a white belt to back it up with, but he instead avoided me and my mother, walked to a phone, dialed his lawyer, and left our lives.

She also knew that on the eve of the grade-skip, I swore by all living things I would never grow up to become the same kind of people who treated me or each other so horribly, and that I would put myself down if I saw myself becoming that way.

Finally, she knew about my mother.

My mother had become tyrannical and controlling of all her children, especially myself, who she saw as too vulnerable to be allowed to live independently or have normal relationships. 

She would not allow any disagreement between what she felt was right and what I though was logical, otherwise she'd stand me against a wall and treat me in a manner almost never found outside Parris Island.

I can't tell you how bad it was to be in high school completely forbidden from joining clubs, going out on dates, doing sports, or even straying from the path between home and school. On weekends, I was required to stay home and study... or play with ham radio or electronics in the basement. It was all calculated to keep me lonely, isolated, and psychologically hostage to Mother, and there was nothing I could do about it. Books became my close friends instead.

It was quieter when I finally could stay in a college dorm 5 days of the week, but even then, her conditions held because she was paying the tuition. She required me to come and stay home on weekends. You have to consider I was still underage much of college.

I didn't really tell Mother about Sensei, I just simply invited Sensei to our Thanksgiving dinner. Sensei was extremely courteous and polite and simply listened while Mother ranted on about my life and my "learning disability" in a manner calculated to break up our friendship. At the end of dinner, Sensei made her farewells to my family (mother, grandmother, younger brother, younger sister, and myself. older brother had married).

I didn't hear from Sensei for the next two weeks. I got a call from her from the dorm phone, inviting me to spend Christmas Break with her. She would pick me up at my house. My heart leapt at the invitation... I didn't want to spend break with Mother.

I expected Mother to put up a fight when Sensei arrived in her car, but evidently Mother already realized she had lost and stayed silent.

There's some details I left out which were not relevant earlier which makes what Sensei did to me far more understandable.

As I said before, I was almost asleep when Sensei came to my room, naked, bearing a candle. She sat down on the edge next to me.

"What's this about?", I asked. I usually sleep naked so there were only a blanket and a sheet between her and I. I had never seen a naked lady before, and so I was extremely nervous.

"I found it hard to believe the life you were living. During that indigestible Thanksgiving dinner I discovered you were telling the truth of yourself all along. What your mother has been doing to you is evil. This must be stopped."

"How?"

"By convincing you, that you have the right to live for yourself."

"How do you mean?"

"With a gift.", she smiled. Sensei opened her arms to me. "Merry Christmas, Aulë. Come here."

"Birth control?", I asked, with my final reserves of composure. 

"IUD, right after Thanksgiving."

I fell into her embrace and I cried and sobbed on her shoulder for I don't know how long, fifteen minutes maybe, because of all the pain and loneliness I had suffered thus far in my life.

Once I was all cried out, Sensei wiped my tears away, then kissed me... and then... well... she was slow and gentle with me that first time... other times, not so slow... or not so gentle... 

Only my wife has the same level of compassion that Sensei did. Not even taking into account the consequences of hurting my wife and child severely if I did cheat, I think I'd really disappoint an angel who I believe still believes in me.

Now, does that make more sense?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I was married for ten years with two great kids. The marriage was difficult but I managed to be hopeful that it would improve and I kept working at it. I had several opportunities to cheat and ran the other way as fast as I could. I was "Married". I had made a commitment to my wife and to my kids (by having them) and nothing was worth breaking up my family.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I have not physically cheated on my wife since we have been married (25 years.) I did cheat on her prior to the marriage while we were engaged and I now feel bad about that. I was with a girl that I was close with prior to meeting my wife - just one night - alcohol was involved - thats my excuse anyway - that, and there is just no way I could resist this girl.

In the beginning of our marriage I had many opportunities but mainly was afraid of getting some type of disease - can't say that it was because I was loyal - I wish I could. Also, I am very picky about who I am with - always have been.

Later on in my marriage, say the last ten years, I can say that I would not cheat because I do love my wife and would not do that to her. Not that I did not love her in the beginning, but I think that our love has grown and I think I have grown up and am not so selfish.

The last few years, I have been hit on by some women (they are divorced) that I knew back when I was in high school - mainly because of this Facebook thing that makes connecting with old friends so easy. I have gone back to my hometown and did go to some get-togethers without my wife but with some old guy friends and it was just so obvious that some of these girls could careless that I was married - not to brag - but I do pretty well financially and these girls knew it - this really turns me off when a women would flirt like that with someone who is married - I would not touch these women with a ten foot pole!


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