# Frequency of Sex?



## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

I've just reached the my one year anniversary. While dating my wife and early in the marriage we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Now she is complaining of a low libido and we have sex less frequently. I am trying not to take it personally but I am curious as to how many times a week people out there are having sex?

I heard all the jokes about sex becoming less frequent after marriage but thought it wouldn't happen to me!


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Comparison of your sex life to others means nothing...how would that info help you? 

Would you bring the average result to your wife and say, "See, this is where we should be?"

This essentially requires you to talk to your wife about your desire to connect with her...and for you, sex is one of the primary ways that creates that connection to the love of your life.

What others are doing in their bedrooms and how often they do it has no bearing on you.


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## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

Point taken cons. Thanks for the reply


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How long were you dating/having sex before you married? The initial hormonal limerance/high libido period typically lasts 18 months to 2 years. Even LD people exhibit higher libidos during this period, and may not know their actual baseline state if they haven't been in long term relationships previously. If they change afterwards, it may not be bait and switch, but sometimes it is, of course. I learned the hard way (first marriage) that it's risky to marry sooner than 3 years after you start having sex with someone, because of this "honeymoon" effect.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has anything changed, other than the wedding? Lifestyle, birth control, etc?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I agree that knowing what others do does not necessarily help on a practical level but I can see it might be helpful to know about what can happen and how good/bad things can get.

So, in case it is of any help, my situation is as follows:

Dating and first couple of years of marriage we were probably at it 3 times a week and there were lots of physical displays of emotion at other times.

Gradually it moved to once a week.

After about 7 years of marriage his children came to live with us and everything took a nose dive. It went down to monthly, Christmas and birthdays and stayed like that even when they left. After 18 years of marriage it went to nil and stayed that way for over 3 years.

During that time the physical displays of affection also lessened and then dried up.

I eventually had enough and said I was leaving. We reconciled, got him Viagra and are back in a good place. Sex-wise it is probably PIV once a week but he's very happy to play around more often; just doesn't always want to take the Viagra.

As you can see, things can get very bad indeed. So you really do need to talk to your wife about this and nip any problems in the bud.

Good luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

There seems to be some natural mechanism where even low drive women enjoy sex frequently early in the relationship and then it goes down. 

I agree with cons, it does not make any difference what anyone else does. You two simply need to talk about it you both need to establish some expectations.


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## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

Thanks for the tips. We've been sexually active for 2.5 years. So it checks with Married but Happy's comment that our "honeymoon" period may be wearing off. Most of your comments make me think this is somewhat normal. I'm trying to not take it personally. She is blaming it on some medication. But she's been on the same meds since we've been dating.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

LD people are not good at explaining why they are LD. They often just use something to excuse their low drive.

If this is her first long term sexual relationship she may not know herself that well. 

My wife went from 4 times a week to once a week.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

My DH and I have been together for nearly 7 years (total). 

For us, there was a much higher frequency when we were dating. After moving in together, around Year 2, things slowed down. We got married in Year 3, and things kept slowing down. Since marriage, our frequency has been on average 2-4 times a month with frenzy moments of HD sprinkled in sporadically. When we're in HD mode, the frequency is 2-4 times a week. 

HD mode seems to kick in when both of our needs are being met. My drive goes down when my needs don't get met. It sounds manipulative, but it isn't. I need to feel close, intimate, connected, and loved. Without that my desire for sex isn't there. 

For instance, my DH and I have been in a LD spurt for a couple months now. He changed shifts at work so I RARELY see him any more. We've kicked our butts in gear and made each others needs a priority since we have limited time together. We're having MORE quality now than before. Our needs are being met, and both our libidos are skyrocketing.


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## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

Good Point Mystic Soul. My wife is more HD when she is relaxed and things are going good for her at work. May be something there.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I've been married for 17 years now, and my wife and I are still having sex around 3-5 times/wk when I'm not traveling. On top of that, we have 3 kids ranging in age from 16 to 7. Bottom line is that you need to keep your spouse a priority in the marriage and not take things for granted. It sounds trite, but you need to continue to date each other even though you have been married. Marriage does not mean that you have arrived and you no longer have to "date". Think of it more like starting a new chapter and that you are back at the beginning.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> LD people are not good at explaining why they are LD. They often just use something to excuse their low drive.



It's a lot easier to find excuses about why no sex than to actually discuss the reasons for no sex.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

john117 said:


> It's a lot easier to find excuses about why no sex than to actually discuss the reasons for no sex.


Do you think this stems from a lack of self-awareness?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have posted often about this issue on TAM and self awareness or lack thereof is one of the two reasons of LD in my view. It's what I call "stupid" (notice the quotes). That is, I find it difficult to believe that the person has no clue about their attitude towards sex and its impact on the relationship. It's like someone driving 5mph below the speed limit on the left lane on the freeway.

The other aspect is "evil" and again notice the quotes. It's what you deal with when the LD partner knows what the impact is but chooses to ignore it due to resentments, culture, stress, revenge, unmet needs, and zillions of other reasons.

The first type is generally easier to fix with the usual acronym books but the second one is a lot tougher.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You're talking physiological reasons - according to those I should have mailed it in 5 years ago - 20 lb overweight, mild blood pressure, lack of sleep (video games, reading, etc), wife induced stress,and Propecia (testosterone killer medicine). Not so.

Physiological reasons are the easiest to fix. Most LD's we see in here are not LD due to them tho.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

I imagine I would fall under the "stupid" category. 

/cringe

Re: Wife Induced Stress; both my husband and I are gamers. We joke about husband/wife aggro.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

88.9 Mhz on the FM dial.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Here is a link for sexual frequency. The majority of married couples between 18 and 59 have sex between a few times a month to three times a week. More or less than that are the exceptions. And younger people have more sex.

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]


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## Thepoet (Sep 8, 2013)

cons said:


> What others are doing in their bedrooms and how often they do it has no bearing on you.


I absolutely agree with you Cons, except his partner may be the one bringing it to him with low averages in order to convince him that he is insane for wanting more.


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## 32064 (Dec 19, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Here is a link for sexual frequency. The majority of married couples between 18 and 59 have sex between a few times a month to three times a week. More or less than that are the exceptions. And younger people have more sex.
> 
> The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]



Thank you for that link! I just went from being pissed off to absolutly content with being average.


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