# Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids



## marriedman321

My wife is from Brazil, and we have been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old son.

Her father has had a bad from of cancer for about the past year. During this time, she went twice to visit him, once for 4 weeks, and once for 3 weeks. Both times she took our son.

About 2 weeks ago she received a call from her mom that the end is near, hurry up and say goodbye etc. Let me say I hate my wife leaving, especially with my son, but I agreed she can go for 2 weeks. We both agreed longer than 2 weeks is too long as this issue came up before.

So, a few days ago she told me he is slipping into a coma, not much she can do, she will be back Friday as planned. She said she made her peace and she sounded eager to see me on the phone.

Then 2 days ago, when I ask when her flight arrives, she told me 7 am, then she said "well I am staying 8 more days". I was upset, as she did not really ask or discuss with me, just told me she is staying longer. But, she said regardless she will return for sure the next friday.

So, the next day rolls around, and she said she asked the doctor, and he said he might live a few more weeks, in a coma..So NOW she is staying for that period of time, PLUS one more week after the funeral for some ceremony.

What would you do in my position? I feel she broke our agreement, and I cannot even trust she will return on this new timetable.. I am missing my son more and more everyday. Now it might be who knows how long? our 2 week agreement went to 3 weeks, now maybe 3 months? I do not know what to do.


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## Lurking No More

When Families are faced with life or death matters all prior arrangements are off the table. Yes you may be missing your son , you don't miss her??? What about her missing her Father ? Or wanting to be there to support her Family and them support her? Doesn't seem like she gets much support from you. Why did you not go with her and help with the child??? This just feels overbearing and strange to me. Let her grieve and help family without holding your hand .


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## marriedman321

Well, I did not go as we have bills to pay. I have to work. In a perfect world I would be there.

I understand your point. I was wondering if I was being a jerk or not. At the same time, if he is hooked up to machines and in a coma for months, I do not see the point to her hanging around there.


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## Mavash.

I'd be upset however I'm not sure there is much you can do about it. She is already gone and is out of the country with your son. Throw a big enough fit and you may never see either of them again.

Next time a family member is dying don't be so quick to buy the plane ticket unless you go with her because you now know she will be gone indefinitely.

For now just pray he dies soon so you can get your family back. I'm not cold but I'm not okay with being away from my family for weeks/months at a time unless we agreed on that upfront.


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## marriedman321

It is a tough time and it makes me question my entire marriage.

I think of the double standard.. Could I take my son to visit my father for a month, or indefinitely? Not in a million years.

If I did, would I keep my word to her, or just change it daily? Especially if she was very bothered?

She only has the ability to go because I am the responsible one. The one working, paying the bills, providing everything. She went 3 times in the past 1.5 years. 

I wonder how she would feel if I said "Ok, you take over working..Start saving for my month long trip to see my family. And yes, that will be our only vacation of the year.. Me leaving and you working"


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## nevergveup

Well if you know she loves you,support her and try to understand.
If she was close to her dad,she feels she needs to be there.
She only has one dad,so when hes gone you will never repeat
this scenario again.

My wife has a really close tight good family.I get along as I would loose if I tried to drive a wedge between them.Even though it is stressful to you,your child is seeing that family really matters.

If her family treats you well,let it go.Your wife will love you more after its all over.


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## marriedman321

Thanks for the advice.. Overall I feel she does love me.. The problem in our marriage is these trips.

They always resemble the same cycle.. She gets to Brazil, cannot stand being around her mom, hard to adjust, tells me she cannot wait to come back.. After about 2 weeks she feels sad for having to leave he family in Brazil, then hard for her to leave. Once home with me she must re adjust again to a different life here, and arguments ensue.

I dread this cycle, so we agreed on no more than 2 weeks in the future. So not only am I wondering when she will come back, I am wondering what her state of mind will be. 

During a recent argument over this, we both said mean things and she referred to her life as a "prison" when I suggested in the future all of us go, she goes without her son, or her family comes here. That was pretty hurtful as she does not ever see the big picture and realize she is the only one going on vacations anywhere. 

I simply accept that I am married, thus what I do is with her in mind.. Sure, I might like to see extended family in Europe, go see my family up north etc. But I do not even think of doing these things unless she comes along.


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## nevergveup

Maybe when she gets back,you need to ask her to get a job
if shes willing.This might let her see things differently.


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## marriedman321

nevergveup said:


> Maybe when she gets back,you need to ask her to get a job
> if shes willing.This might let her see things differently.


Considered this before, but with the cost of putting our son in child care it does not make much sense.


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## marriedman321

Well, her dad passed last night in his sleep.


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## marriedman321

Well, now it has changed again..

Now she needs to stay 3 more weeks to comfort her mom..

This is what I knew would happen, even though she guaranteed it would not. So, I guess I wait and wonder if she will be back in 3 weeks..


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## marriedman321

marriedman321 said:


> Well, now it has changed again..
> 
> Now she needs to stay 3 more weeks to comfort her mom..
> 
> This is what I knew would happen, even though she guaranteed it would not. So, I guess I wait and wonder if she will be back in 3 weeks..


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## marriedman321

I would say this has almost become a game. I accepted that she will have to stay until the end and an extra week. That was our latest agreement. Once he past I told her again I love her, miss her etc.

But now she claims to be mad I was not more supportive, so that is the reason she wants to stay for easter. So I was upset again, almost gave her an ultimatum etc.

At this point it seems perhaps I should just be short with her, not make her a priority? I do not know.

I feel like a complete pushover for accepting another new timeline. Our sons birthday is a week after easter and I already see her suggesting she will stay with that. It all makes me feel like just a bill payer.
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## Mavash.

Yes you are just a bill payer. Wait till she comes back then never ever ever let her leave the country again with your son.


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## marriedman321

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## marriedman321

Not sure what my next move is? Tell her how this makes me feel again? Mention a divorce? Act nice and sweet amd hope that works toget my son back? Ultimatum? Ignore her?
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## marriedman321

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## marriedman321

A little background. We are both 36, my mom passed about 18 years ago. My dad is 80 and lives with a girlfriend.

Here is the difference. My dad is also old and has had many heart surgeries. He does not even tell me about them. When I find out I do not make drama. In 3 years we visited him for 3 days as I was off work and we had money to go cross country. 

As for my wife, since nearing the end of her pregancy 2 years ago her mom has called daily talking about her dads cancer, every little detail, making it sound as bad as possible. My wife cries nightly for years for most of our marriage.

My wife has also spent 2 months in Brazil to see her family. 

Her moms family is wealthy but has not spent one dime to see her or pay for her flights. I do that.

So basically her fathers illness has ruined our marriage and now my wife is staying with her mom indefinitely.
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## marriedman321

marriedman321 said:


> A little background. We are both 36, my mom passed about 18 years ago. My dad is 80 and lives with a girlfriend.
> 
> Here is the difference. My dad is also old and has had many heart surgeries. He does not even tell me about them. When I find out I do not make drama. In 3 years we visited him for 3 days as I was off work and we had money to go cross country.
> 
> As for my wife, since nearing the end of her pregancy 2 years ago her mom has called daily talking about her dads cancer, every little detail, making it sound as bad as possible. My wife cries nightly for years for most of our marriage.
> 
> My wife has also spent 2 months in Brazil to see her family.
> 
> Her moms family is wealthy but has not spent one dime to see her or pay for her flights. I do that.
> 
> So basically her fathers illness has ruined our marriage and now my wife is staying with her mom indefinitely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321

So in other words it feels like this entire marriage is about her feelings and her family. Now that she leaves indefinitely it just makea it worse. Like I have no say in the matter at all. All I do is work and pay bills while she can leave me anytime she wants, and stay as long as she wants. Even on easter and thanksgiving. Thats why I think I need to ignore her a bit so maybe she gives me a little value.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Your next move is to do nothing. Next time however when she wants to leave to visit her family either go with her or she goes alone. Or don't buy the ticket at all. 

I think it's excessive to be gone this long. We lost 3 parents last year and we were gone for a week each time. Not everyone has the luxury of being gone for months at a time nor would I do that to my husband or him to me.


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## marriedman321

Mavash. said:


> Your next move is to do nothing. Next time however when she wants to leave to visit her family either go with her or she goes alone. Or don't buy the ticket at all.
> 
> I think it's excessive to be gone this long. We lost 3 parents last year and we were gone for a week each time. Not everyone has the luxury of being gone for months at a time nor would I do that to my husband or him to me.


And it is also the uncertainty, changing day to day based on her emotions. I would ask her why she told me something different the day prior and it turns into "I didn't say that", or "yeah but I cant leave my mom" etc etc

She also always said her mom ruined her first marriage, as she was married when she was 21 to 23 yo. I sort of see this happening again.. My dad would tell me "Go take care of your family". not "Please don't leave me"

I understand I should be there for her etc, but she knew for a good year this day was coming, and she was able to spend 2 months with him prior. I feel like I was supportive of her, always listening to her, researching cancer, working harder to afford her trips etc. 

When she broke our last agreement again, and now will stay for Easter, I am just feeling very very low. Can I still have pride and continue to talk to her daily like nothing happened?

And yes, I understand she wants comfort and support, but how would she feel if I took her son away indefinitely, or for 2 months out of the country?


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## marriedman321

Well things were getting better, and she is coming back Monday. 

But now she is saying how she is depressed, nothing excites her, and she has just been sitting around her sis n laws house for the past week with our son.

She is saying she really has nothing in life.. So, I am thinking to myself "Holy crap.. You have a kid.. A husband that supports you.. A family here. A family there.. I am working my ass off for us. What do you want?"

So then she just said "i dont want to talk about it".. Then this morning she starts with "hey hun, love you miss you" etc etc

I asked if she was ok, if she was still returning Monday, and she got irritated again..She said "the ticket is for Monday". I said ok, are you returning Monday? Then she said "Dont worry, even if I will be miserable forever I will return monday"

Which made me mad, then she apologized and said she was very sorry, and I have not talked to her since.


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