# Survived 2nd DD Anniversary



## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

It's funny, I'm like almost exactly at one year since the last time I visited this site. I've been lurking the last week or so. I had to stop coming on here, it was making me crazy seeing all these sad stories. I really have to take my hat off to those long timers who are so helpful to so many here at risk of their own sanity - honestly! 

So here's my original story - long and boring I'm sure.

When I last posted, I was seriously contemplating D. I have not filed and the past year has had some extremely rough spots and some good spots. Our family has hobbled along. Would you believe we are still involved in the charitable organization and it has given us more than our fair share of stress?

The OW and OWH has cropped up a handful of times, to our detriment. To sling mud and throw stones from their glass house. Most has been directed at my H, so while some of that mud gets on me and the kids, I've mostly looked at is as deserved on my H part. 

Until a few weeks ago. OWH slung some major mud - approaching a group of our friends and yelling in public accusing my H of a criminal record. You may remember from my previous thread that my son had gotten in trouble...well H and DS go by the same name. So whatever searching they'd done had pulled up DS record and they assumed it was H. 

That REALLY set me off. I attempted to speak to OWH directly - called and texted him to let him know he was treading on the sacred ground of my children, something we'd both avoided in dealing with this. He refused to talk to me!!! I tried for a solid day to deal with it amicably...but then finally realized what a total wuss the OWH really is and got really angry. He still doesn't believe it was a PA!!!! 

I drank two bottles of wine and started texting out OW's naked pictures. Boy did that get his attention. He finally called H and was in the process of screaming at him when I took the phone. H didn't even know I'd sent out pix. OWH called me the worst female names possible. 

I guess I finally got his attention.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I also just reread my thread today...most of it in tears.

Shout out to AlmostRecovered who checked on me but I never came back...until now.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I want to add that for those of you going through your first or even second year...it does get better. I don't cry about the A anymore. I don't snoop compulsively...I somewhat "trust, but verify". H has maintained boundaries well, he almost avoids women, especially attractive ones. They still try to hit on him but I spot them from a mile away and swoop in with the mean mug and the "can I help you, ma'am?" I now get my own attention from men, which I enjoy but don't entertain. 

I have worked on myself. Still a tall and slender size 6 with DD's. I splurged on a tummy tuck this year with my own work bonus money that I've always spent on family stuff...I was selfish this year. I also got some major dental work that really improved my appearance. I'm proud of my looks now.

For the inside improvement, I've really advanced my career a lot. I've worked on public speaking and leadership skills that have been very useful in several areas of my life. I've continued to be more fun and social (although I am extremely reserved with anything deeper than a light friendship). I continue to work on being the best wife and mom possible and they are all thriving. My teen is now an adult and has come through his legal problems pretty well. He is paying for his mistakes, but at least he has stayed out of trouble since. I'm sure I'll always blame myself and the A for how things went down with him...but truth is, it's impossible to know if he would have made those mistakes regardless. The younger two are doing really well.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I am happy you are doing good. I had my first in March and it almost killed me. I didn't expect it at all. I think I consumed more beer that month than I did the whole year before. 

Looking forward to getting where you are. I still find myself snooping and freaking out over things. It sucks, but I am working at it. 

Take care and congrats and happy thoughts you are moving forward!


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Don't get me wrong - I still think about the A. Every. Single. Day. That hasn't stopped. And I still struggle with alcohol. But have things improved? Yes. So I can assume this will continue on year after year until things are much better? Or I will eventually go ahead and D and have a clean slate. Who knows.,

FLGator - yes, that first anni is a murderous thing. It sure hit me and anni 2 has been no joke either. I think that's what got OWH stirred up, he was going through his own anniversary hell and wanted to mess with my H...but messed with my kid and me instead.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

The only thing you can do is try to seek legal help if this continues.

Truth be told, the OWH probably isn't aware of all the different ways he can fvck your husband's life up. Whether he's in denial or not, this contest turned into a no holds barred one the moment your husband fvcked his wife thats enough for many a man to come after your husband. Its a shame that this guy isn't going about it the right way.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> The only thing you can do is try to seek legal help if this continues.
> 
> Truth be told, the OWH probably isn't aware of all the different ways he can fvck your husband's life up. Whether he's in denial or not, this contest turned into a no holds barred one the moment your husband fvcked his wife thats enough for many a man to come after your husband. Its a shame that this guy isn't going about it the right way.


I dunno....I think I have way more on OW than he has on H. She has no pictures, no texts, no emails, no nothing...she deleted everything to hide what she did. But me, I made copies of everything and have it hidden in more than one place on multiple memory sticks. H followed her along like a stupid puppy while she planned every detail and did all the pursuing. I've offered to copy all of this evidence to her H...he doesn't WANT it!! He wants to continue to tell himself there was NO PA! He thinks she's wonderful and it was all my H's doing and that my H is lying about the PA.

And to clarify...my H's life IS fvcked up. The one who got off scott free was OW!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I dunno....I think I have way more on OW than he has on H. She has no pictures, no texts, no emails, no nothing...she deleted everything to hide what she did. But me, I made copies of everything and have it hidden in more than one place on multiple memory sticks. H followed her along like a stupid puppy while she planned every detail and did all the pursuing. I've offered to copy all of this evidence to her H...he doesn't WANT it!! He wants to continue to tell himself there was NO PA! He thinks she's wonderful and it was all my H's doing and that my H is lying about the PA.
> 
> And to clarify...my H's life IS fvcked up. The one who got off scott free was OW!


Have you tried anonymously dumping all the info you have on his lap without giving him a hint? 

I think the best thing would be to do just that and then have an attorney send him a certified mail asking him to cease and desist if he continues harassing you.

Have you posted the OW on cheaterville?

Also, if you know where she works. Expose all the evidence you have to the HR department and her colleagues. Trash the wh0re's reputation. You don't have to take this sh!t lying down, not from the OW or her husband.


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## devinakbv (Jul 2, 2013)

Shout out to AlmostRecovered who checked on me but I never came back


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hey look one of the disappearing acts that I always wondered about came back!

I agree with the others, stop holding your cards (evidence to expose) and just unleash it upon the OW

I do think your husband needs to find another charity to work for as you can see in the past year how not having NC is very detrimental to R


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Well hello there AlmostRecovered! Good to see you again.

I agree on the charity. My H has agreed to step down, but we still don't have a replacement. It wouldn't stop us from running into this couple, they simply live too close.

In fact, a few months ago I stopped in at the grocery store that is nearest their house. I haven't set foot in there since DD, but I was in rush to a meeting, didn't have time to avoid their road like I normally do and needed to grab two things. I thought what is the likelihood that I would run into her?

Very high. No sooner had I come flying into the store, but almost crashed carts with her as she came barreling off of the first aisle. Our eyes locked, I froze, uttered a stream of cusswords, then went around her cart and headed to the back of the store. She continued toward the checkout. I was shaking with fury and shock, took a few minutes on the plasticware aisle, then headed along the back of the store to check out and exit from the opposite side of the store where I'd entered.

I assumed at this point she was probably long gone and I still need my couple of items...so I get in line. There are at least 10 registers open along the length of the store and none have more than one person in line. As I'm waiting for the stupid lady in front of me to scrounge in her purse for coupons and then painstakingly write a check, I feel the sensation of ice cold water pouring down my back and I know without looking that OW is behind me. My brain says, no way, turn around and you'll see it's not her. I turn around and see her face not 10 inches from mine!! I tell her - are you effing serious?!?! You have huge effing balls!!! and some other random who-knows-what with lots of f-bombs as I'm checking out. The clerk's face was priceless, I laughed about that later once I calmed down.

But the nerve!! Can you believe this woman?! No shame, no remorse. I can't believe she was my friend. What do you make of her behavior?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> What do you make of her behavior?



unfortunately all too typical

I truly hope she doesn't escalate this behavior but people of her ilk usually do

It wouldn't hurt to consult a lawyer about the situation to know your rights and options for future conflicts


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

OWH probably knows it was a PA, but is in denial. The way he's going after your H but not dealing with his W and him not wanting the information you have suggest he blames your H entirely and has attempted to rug sweep in his own M. He probably tells himself his WW was a victem to a preditor. I'm sure he'll be around here sooner or later after her next A.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

never underestimate the fear of hard truth to create self denial


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> But the nerve!! Can you believe this woman?! No shame, no remorse. I can't believe she was my friend. What do you make of her behavior?


She hasn't been forced to deal with any consequences so she has been able to rationalize her behaviour. That means in her mind the two of you were in competition and you stole her man.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Yall are exactly correct. It makes me wonder if this will ever end. We both have athletic kids whose schools will face each other for the next 6 years or so. Their nephew attends my middle son's school. I want to move. No, I don't want to move...I want THEM to move!!


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

DD3 - I'm still here and kicking! Still with my FWH, and doing decently. I have stopped the drinking binges and bouts with depression and rage. I haven't had any run-ins with the other family, other than the stalker MIL that likes to follow me around in social media and comment passive aggressive insults.

My marriage...hmmm...it's pretty good. H is loving and attentive. Sex is good. But man, how infidelity changes things permanently. It just will never be the same. Leaving is always in the back of my mind.

For those of you in R - the pain and thoughts are definitely a million times better 3 years out. Unfortunately, they don't seem to go away entirely.

My confidence is good, but I still have those moments of wondering if I'm doing enough, if I'm a good enough wife, is life with me exciting enough, am I keeping things interesting enough in bed, etc. But then I flip flop and think I am doing all of that, but is he worth it. These are ever present questions that just didn't exist before the A. 

It's sad how much destruction these actions cause.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I do believe that having OW in your circles does stunt your growth, even though my OM only lives 5 miles away I have yet to run into him in almost 5 years. 

very happy to hear the binge drinking has stopped

and stop second guessing yourself, it wasn't your sex skills, ability to be a good wife and such that made your WH cheat. I know infidelity can be a huge confidence killer but three years out you need to look back and see how strong and awesome you were and are now. Be a good wife/lover because it's beneficial to you and your life and makes you happy but not out of fear that it will cause him to stray.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I do believe that having OW in your circles does stunt your growth, even though my OM only lives 5 miles away I have yet to run into him in almost 5 years.
> 
> very happy to hear the binge drinking has stopped
> 
> and stop second guessing yourself, it wasn't your sex skills, ability to be a good wife and such that made your WH cheat. I know infidelity can be a huge confidence killer but three years out you need to look back and see how strong and awesome you were and are now. Be a good wife/lover because it's beneficial to you and your life and makes you happy but not out of fear that it will cause him to stray.


OW actually did move! Same area and town, but a neighborhood further away, closer to different grocery stores, different high school eventually. The nephew moved too, but I still have a cousin in my son's school. But these moves have helped a ton. It is much less likely that we will have run ins. I only saw OW once last year, when our sons' middle schools played each other. The cop who was sort of helping to stir things up ended up going through his own marital issues and hasn't messed with us again. His kids go to my sons' school and they are all friends but the adults just avoid each other. I think sending the pix did set the tone that I wasn't going to put up with any more mess and that there would be ugly consequences. Maybe they needed to realize that I am a little bit crazy.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I will be hitting my 3rd anv. of D Day and it does get easier. July 4th is when I started becoming suspicious and it was 4 days later when I found her Facebook page open. 

That POS OM texted my wife last year on the 8th. It killed the mood of the vacation we were on


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