# Should we separate?



## Steamboat

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have been together for almost 21 years. Over the last few years I have felt him distance himself from me. So in January I confronted him about this and he stated that he didn"t know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. I suggested we separate but he said he wanted to try and work things out. Here we are 7 months later and we are still in the same situation. I feel like he has not made an effort to work on our relationship. I feel he is only staying for the kids. Should I just tell him to leave?


----------



## Wisp

You are the only ones that can answer that. 

Questions that come to mind:

Have you gone to counselling?

Do you love each other and has something just fallen through the cracks?


Most problems in marriage are resolvable once the couples sit down and work though the problems. My advice is see someone who as relationship/marriage building experience to help you. The effort needs to be from both your husband and yourself, if one party does not commit then you have no way of solving the problem


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

What have you done to try to change things? I notice you say you feel he's done nothing to change things, but you don't mention what you have done. He told you he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, and you immediately suggested separation. Although he said he wanted to stay together and work it out, it could be that he feels any effort he makes won't be welcomed since you so quickly suggested separation. He might have realized, when you said that, what he stood to lose, which was why he said he wanted to stay together. But if he's seen no indication from you that you want that, too, he may be hesitant to do anything. 

Also, what do you want him to do to change things? Perhaps he's simply clueless as to what to do. He might know what's wrong, but not how to fix it. You should sit down together and discuss what's going on. Maybe you can or should give him some suggestions on what you'd like him to do to show you that he's trying to change things. Or...ask him what he's done to change things. Maybe his answers will surprise you. He might tell you things he's done that you didn't notice because they aren't huge, grand gestures. 

And I second the idea of counseling. A counselor can help you determine what the problems are, and how to solve them. They can help you two learn to communicate with each other effectively, and get you talking in a way that you might not do at home, simply because you don't know how to start.


----------



## Mom6547

My mother, a family lawyer, does a lot of divorces. Time and time again she hears how they wished they had put half the effort into the marriage that the divorce then the starting over took. 

Passionate Marriage is a good book. Google it.


Try this site. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

The number one thing it seems to me that many people don't realize. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. You cannot change him. You can make changes yourself that make things better. You can make changes yourself that act as limit setting and hope that the desired reactive change is illicited in him.

So if you go to ANY marriage resource with the question "how can I get him to"... you have lost and might as well give up. Instead ask yourself, what can *I* do?

Good luck.


----------



## Chris Taylor

I agree with counseling. What you don't want to do is walk away from a marriage/relationship unless you have done everything you can to save it.


----------



## silent

Steamboat said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have been together for almost 21 years. Over the last few years I have felt him distance himself from me. So in January I confronted him about this and he stated that he didn"t know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. I suggested we separate but he said he wanted to try and work things out. Here we are 7 months later and we are still in the same situation. I feel like he has not made an effort to work on our relationship. I feel he is only staying for the kids. Should I just tell him to leave?


----------



## silent

hello similar problem with me,i felt my husband distant too.we been together 9 years but we were lovers, then got married i have 2 kids same problem arguing back fourth he told me he hated me for stuff i did n past and always pointing to him saying hes unfaithful, never seen him with a female only 1 time but we were dating, so was i. i found hairs in our car. well so we came to the conclusion after so many years fighting to get it rit or leave our seperate lives we need to communicate more he has to be in my shoes to understand what i feel. i think to cause of the kids. we go to church we r going to take anger management classes, matrimony classes at church. he says if i stop nagging him so much he can change more of issues, i said just dont do things to make me think wrong of what u do or i will question un k supposeply he got what i was saying. u have to sit down put the cards on the table and deal with wat u want from this relationship and meet half way if not i say go our own ways, lets see how my turns out i already know what to do if it doesnt follow tru. u have to be serious cause seem these men dont know what they want, and just want us waiting on what decision they r going to make. nah ah. we can make decisions on our own lifes and our kids whats best for them too. and if theirs anxiety as bad like mine started to build up with so much stress then thats a issue to take that big step life is too short, to be waiting on.


----------



## Mal74

I think most people lack the skills required to communicate effectively. A good counselor will help you build these skills. It can be awkward and painful to learn them, and frankly, I think it's a lot harder for men than for women but nobody wants to read my rant on that anymore, not even me. 

I look at it this way: if I wanted to learn how to play the piano, I would take lessons and practice. I would have no expectation of becoming a competent piano player without having lessons or practice sessions.

It seems to me that we humans don't really understand that the fact that we can use words doesn't mean that we have good communication skills. Back to the piano analogy: I can smack my fingers on the keyboard all day long, and maybe even figure out "mary had a little lamb," but that is not at all the same as playing Beethoven's 5th symphony.

If you and your man commit to learning how to communicate with each other, and muster the patience and courage to build those skills, you can create a remarkable marriage.


----------



## vertigo

check out Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce and the forums.


----------

