# out of the blue...



## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

My husband left out of the blue 2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm having a hard time understanding why he left... but at the same time I know exactly why he left.

I have a history of eating disorders, cutting, depression, and anxiety; basically I have a terrible self-image. I think I was fooling myself by thinking he didn't see all this. I know now that I was putting the responsibility of my self-worth and my identity on his shoulders, but I didn't know that at the time. 

We argued, like any married couple argues; and I was always "right". What I'm starting to see is that even though I was right about the thing we were arguing about, I wasn't understanding the real arguement. If we were arguing about money, it was really "you don't appreciate all the money I've spent to make you happy; you're never happy". Or sex: "you don't appreciate how much I've given up to make you comfortable in the bedroom". He was always condeding to make me happy and more comfortable. I thought he was being loving and he thought so, too. But it ended up being what broke us up.

The final arguement that catalyzed the separation was over a car... we had bought a truck together, with some cosign help from his mother-in-law; she went behind our back and pulled her name off of the agreement because of her own financial situation, leaving us to figure out what to do. I was trying to solve the problem, find someone else to cosign, come up with a down payment, something -- he was dealing with the emotional aspect of being betrayed by his family, telling them he would never speak with them again, our fight... and when we both got home from work & could talk about it, I (in frustration, but from my heart) said "fix it". 

He comes back to this point every time we argue. He says that was the moment at which everything clicked, and it hit him how much I needed to be fixed and how all his efforts to fix me hadn't worked. How he so badly wanted to rescue me from all my _stuff_, but nothing he did could save me.

So he left our marriage.

We've had a few conversations since. In the beginning, he was easier to reach... stubborn, but his heart was still there somewhere. Now he is completely hard-hearted. He came over to the house to get some of his stuff, and I made us dinner... we talked for a little while, but it's like he wasn't even there. I was trying to be guarded, but also let him know where I was at and be completely honest about counseling and what I've been doing with myself... he said it was good I was making progress, but then he also said he didn't see anything good happening between us for _years_ & after a divorce. When I asked him why he hasn't filed for one, if that's what he thinks he needs to do, he said it was because of money... he can't divorce me because he can't afford it.

Let me add to this that we are strong Christian people who love God and believe in the Bible... not only does the Bible encourage mutual reconciliation in all cases, but it also strictly prohibits divorce as a last resort, except in the case of infidelity or abuse (and we have none).

I'm turning every direction I can. I'm not the type to seek out help, but I love my husband and I desperately want to be with him. I want to work through this and be a stronger person, but more than that I want to work through this and be a stronger couple. I don't know what to do. I'm completely lost. Is there anyone who can help?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Also, what was your childhood like?

Have you been to individual counseling?


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

my childhood was... ideal. great home, loving & supportive parents who are still married today, no history of trauma or sexual abuse. i know i'm a textbook case of childhood trauma... but i don't have any... my therapist thinks i might be repressing it. i'm not so sure... it sort of feels like cheating to blame all my issues on something that allegedly happened to me 20 years ago. even if it would explain everything, it wouldn't bring my husband back.

i am going to counseling... i'm seeing a therapist who uses hypnotherapy as part of verbal therapy. hubby has agreed to go with me sometime, but only when i talk about it like it will be helpful to my progress... he'll go "if that's what will help me move on". he won't do marriage counseling.

i'm sorry to dump this on the world, but this pain hurts like nothing i've ever felt & nothing i do, whether constructive or destructive, makes it stop.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

there is nothing in the world that compares to this pain except death of a loved one, read my threads i was dying literally, ive now been separated 2 mos & my ex is now seeing somebody & wants nothing to do with our marriage. every day all day i still feel incredible pain but as time passes it is lessening a little, try some meds, anti depressent & anxiety. stay in therapy & try to make him miss you, ive struggled with the advice im giving but im also trying the best i can, when i want to talk to her i post on here, these people have become my friends, counsellor & support group, every one on here is going through it or has gone through it, though the advice can be critical & hurt to hear it is the right advice


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

thanks... 

i was already on meds before & have added more... help with sleeping & panic attacks... i just feel so lost.

what do i do? do i talk to him? i'm so afraid that if i stop communicating, he'll just disappear forever. i'm not calling & texting all the time, though i desperately want to... everyone says when i change, he'll know, but how is he going to know if he never talks to me again? maybe my silence is for the best but i can't give up on my husband...

please help... i have no idea what to do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How about a heartfelt apology - with no strings attached?


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

i apologized once i realized what i needed to apologize for. and he said good, that's a start. but he still doesn't want anything to do with me... is there a trick to apologizing from the heart? i guess that's kind of a stupid question, but i can be a guarded person & maybe my heart didn't show through. how do i get past myself to show him how much i love him & how devastated i am that my ignorance took such a toll on him...?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you two have children?


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

nope... but we were trying. we just decided a couple months ago to get off the pill...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

meghann.1220 said:


> nope... but we were trying. we just decided a couple months ago to get off the pill...


How old are both of you?


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

24... we were married at 21.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ideal home?

Are you a biological child or adopted?


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

totally ideal... i'm biological, hubby was adopted by his stepdad because his bio-dad bailed before he was born. his childhood sucked... mine was pretty great. i've always had insecurities but i was pretty involved in stuff... art, theatre, photography, summer camp, church, writing, horses...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

meghann.1220 said:


> totally ideal... i'm biological, hubby was adopted by his stepdad because his bio-dad bailed before he was born. his childhood sucked... mine was pretty great. i've always had insecurities but i was pretty involved in stuff... art, theatre, photography, summer camp, church, writing, horses...


But, it's been really difficult to trust him.


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

i guess i feel like i trusted him as best as i could, but i was never able to give him my whole heart... i tried to pretend i was, but i guess i wasn't fooling anyone. i told him my darkest fears & secrets but i couldn't give him me.


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

things were the best they've ever been between us. his leaving & wanting to separate was a total shock to me, and only since he left have i been able to identify some of these underlying issues. we thought we were normal...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This is likely as much about his insecurities from childhood as it is about anything.

Intimacy is a risky business for those that don't feel worthy of being loved.


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## meghann.1220 (Jun 18, 2012)

i guess it is... or, i'm finding out it is. 

so what do i do now? ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

meghann.1220 said:


> i guess it is... or, i'm finding out it is.
> 
> so what do i do now? ...


Continue with your therapy.

I would implement the 180 until he wants to talk.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

meghann.1220 said:


> totally ideal... i'm biological, hubby was adopted by his stepdad because his bio-dad bailed before he was born. his childhood sucked... mine was pretty great. i've always had insecurities but i was pretty involved in stuff... art, theatre, photography, summer camp, church, writing, horses...


He acts like it.

Emotionally broken people usually suffer from some combination of PTSD and a personality disorder.

This makes it extraordinarily difficult for them to take responsibility for their actions (which leads to blameshifting) as they are literally afraid of harsh punishment if admitting a mistake. Their right brain/subconscious warns them that harsh punishment is coming - as it often has when they've screwed up.

All his relationships will be this way until he addresses it.

Deep down he is very very angry.

And, you are the recipient of those emotions. The anger "understudy" who now plays a leading role.


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