# Mixed messages



## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

Hi all, 

I'm looking for some help here. I've been in an on again, off again relationship for 2.5 years. Most would say it's been somewhat abusive, with gaslighting, lies, hot and cold. Any time I've tried to talk about what's going on, he will break up with me, only to return a week later. 

We broke up several months ago, but continued to talk. I actually didn't realise we were broken up for a while, when I asked him about the lack of sex, he said he didn't want to go there again. So, I asked him to just leave me alone, I'd prefer we have no contact. This lasted 2 weeks, and he was back in touch. Over a few times, he would make excuses to contact me and I rebuffed them. Eventually, I saw him & ignored him, we ended up having a huge fight over text later on. He said he had tried to be my friend, but I couldn't take it (true). 

Since then, we've not really spoken much. But lately, he's started turning up at places he knows I will be. For example, a week ago he asked me what I'd planned to do on the weekend, I told him where I would be one of those days, actually to test him, and sure enough, he turned up there. He set up a situation where my son was at his place, when I texted to ask him to send my son home, he made excuses. I ended up going down there to pick him up. So, with all this following me around, and me getting over my initial hurt, we have been making small talk & I assumed him wanting to be places he knows he'll find me meant he may be interested. I have initiated emails several times, he replies, I reply to his reply, he then ignores me. The stress is doing my head in. I know it's my fault too, he had been initiating contact and meeting a brick wall, but I wasn't actually following him around at the same time.

I guess my question is I don't know if he's interested, but I'm really sick of not knowing. I could ask him, but he'll just get angry, so I'm not going there. Do I email him & say something like "I can see you don't want to email, so am going to respect that and leave you alone", or do I just stop emailing him? The problem with the latter, is that he may decide he wants to initiate contact again in a week or a month or a year...and I'm left hanging 

I want to let go so badly, but don't know how to. It is harder because he is a part of my life (our children are good friends), and he lives 200 metres away from me. I have to change my routine all the time in order to avoid him. He finds the new routine & starts following me again. Why follow me when he's not interested?


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

Just my opinion.. and I'm sorry if it's not really what you want to hear. I would think he loves you, and part of him probably wants to be with you.. but at the same time, a part of him probably doesn't. It's never easy in these situations. It sucks and it's confusing and very unfair. But if this is the case, there isn't a thing you can really do about it. I sort of treated an ex boyfriend of mine the same way.. and I was wrong for it. I loved him but I wasn't madly in love with him, and as much as I wanted to go, I wanted to stay. He was always there when I called or when I needed something, but I was not there for him nearly as much as I should have been.

You need to decide if that's enough for you, or if you would rather find someone who is all in. Trust me, you deserve the latter. It will be hard, but right now.. he's probably confused and hurting as well. He can't give you his all. So let him go. Date other men. See where life takes you. If he comes around, give him one final shot. But make sure he's all in, and make sure he knows you'll walk the moment you feel he isn't. Sometimes showing a man he needs to respect you is enough to make him want you. Best of luck.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It all sounds like you both have some growing up to do before you're ready for a serious relationship. Too much drama.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

It sounds like he doesn't want to date any longer but he can't let you go either. Seems like you kinda feel the same towards him. For both your sakes it is probably best to not be texting and emailing so you can move on.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Quit answering his emails, do not answer his phone calls, don't text him, don't have anything to do with him.... THAT is how you get over him.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

If you both cared about each other in a serious way it wouldn't be this difficult.

Move on.


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

I do genuinely care about him, but it has been two years of him blowing hot and cold. I am extremely frustrated at the situation. I want to move on for the sake of my mental health, because I have absolutely zero say in this relationship, but for the first time in my life, I find myself unable to let it go. 

I an confused that he has this fascination with following me around the town, yet rarely responds to emails anymore. Why would you want to follow somebody you seemingly have little interest in speaking to/engaging with?

It is an awful cycle I find myself in. I want to let it go, but it is so hard when he makes his presence known all the time.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Beachbabe123 said:


> I do genuinely care about him, *but it has been two years of him blowing hot and cold*. I am extremely frustrated at the situation. I want to move on for the sake of my mental health, because I have absolutely zero say in this relationship, but for the first time in my life, I find myself unable to let it go.
> 
> I an confused that he has this fascination with following me around the town, yet rarely responds to emails anymore. Why would you want to follow somebody you seemingly have little interest in speaking to/engaging with?
> 
> It is an awful cycle I find myself in. I want to let it go, but it is so hard when he makes his presence known all the time.


So you can't be in a relationship with him, you can't talk to him about your relationship with him.... and you still want to be with him, why? My partner was first very much like this with me... I felt he was hot and cold. The difference? I said STOP IT YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE, YOU CRAZY MAN. And you know what? He did. He was scared, and he decided to just trust me, and there have been no problems ever since.

But this... you can't even talk to him. How are you going to have a relationship with that lack of communication? I don't blame you for going crazy. It makes me feel crazy just thinking about it!

So here's what you do. Send him a short, and to the point email. "I know that we are broken up, and we need to stay this way. I am moving on. Please do not contact me in any way, and do not knowingly follow me. If I see you start showing up to places I will be on purpose, I will take legal action against you. Thank you."

BOOM. Done. The truth? You probably don't have enough to go on to actually get a restraining order. But he doesn't have to know that. STOP this immature, ridiculous behavior. Seriously. He is a grown man. Why is he following you around? HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. That's freakin' creepy. Sorry, but it is. If you have to enforce your email when he starts showing up, just call the cops, say you've had problems with a neighbor, he's making you nervous. Ask if they could knock on his door and talk to him, tell him to knock it off. Thank the cops profusely.

Really though, just like... end it. Get over it. It will hurt, and you will want to talk to him again. So write a big, fat list of everything you hated about him/your relationship. In weak moments, read the list. GET ANGRY! And don't contact him. The urges to contact him will fade, as will the sadness, and soon everything will be back to normal and you can date normal, well-adjusted men again. Yay!

Good luck.


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

The problem is, he's following me to public places. Our boys are in the same class, so he has a valid reason to be at the school (he didn't used to go up there, he'd wait at the bottom of the street, but is now waiting at the school). Saw him today, he ignored me, yet proceeded to put himself in a position where he could stand and look at me. He knows I go to the beach, so turns up at the beach. He can just say it's a coincidence. 

The thing is, I do want to be with him, which is ridiculous I know. I just want the stupid games to stop, but whenever I tell him I hate him doing it, he breaks up with me. He then comes back a short time later & I'm stupidly relieved & hoping he's missed me & will change. 

If we break, that's fine. I can handle that. It will be painful, but over time I can move on. But by him intentionally being everywhere, it's making it hard to move on. 

He had my son for a playdate, again, I was ambushed at school. I thought that was fine, I'd be a grown up. Let him take my son home & sent him a text a couple of hours later asking him to send my son back up the street (I usually walk down there), he said my son was busy, he'd come up later, later on, my son was still not home. I had to go down and pick him up. 

It's just crazy behavior. Why the heck do you do that to somebody you've broken up with and somebody you don't want to see? I get that we will sometimes bump into each other, that is bound to happen. But he's setting a lot of this up. It is making it really hard for me to move on. If I tell him this, he will deny it & tell me I'm a "nutter". Because it's always me who's the crazy one.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Beachbabe123 said:


> The problem is, he's following me to public places. Our boys are in the same class, so he has a valid reason to be at the school (he didn't used to go up there, he'd wait at the bottom of the street, but is now waiting at the school). Saw him today, he ignored me, yet proceeded to put himself in a position where he could stand and look at me. He knows I go to the beach, so turns up at the beach. He can just say it's a coincidence.
> 
> The thing is, I do want to be with him, which is ridiculous I know. I just want the stupid games to stop, but whenever I tell him I hate him doing it, he breaks up with me. He then comes back a short time later & I'm stupidly relieved & hoping he's missed me & will change.
> 
> ...


You are contributing to this as much as he is. You both sound like a couple of teen agers playing at grown up love. You can end it. But you don't want to. So enjoy your melodrama.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Beachbabe123 said:


> I want to move on for the sake of my mental health, because *I have absolutely zero say in this relationship,*


What? That's not true! You do have a say. If you're serious about moving on tell him once and for all. Stop taking his calls and don't tell him where you'll be. Tell him you'll get a restraining order if you have to and then do it.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

This guy is trouble. He's not only emotionally unavailable, he's playing games with you. I wouldn't bank on him loving you, at least not in the way that most people would understand love (and by this I mean, you might as well write it off entirely). You don't want to be around someone who doesn't mind hurting you and messing with your head. Shut this down, regardless of how much he calls or follows when you don't play his game. His only interest is keeping you in the game. That is why he seeks you out - to keep it going. He is getting something that he wants from you. Really, don't make the mistake of assuming that he really cares for you and your welfare.


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## schrenkbl (Oct 30, 2013)

I just want the stupid games to stop, but whenever I tell him I hate him doing it, he breaks up with me.


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

> So enjoy your melodrama.


No, I don't enjoy the melodrama. 



> This guy is trouble. He's not only emotionally unavailable, he's playing games with you. I wouldn't bank on him loving you, at least not in the way that most people would understand love (and by this I mean, you might as well write it off entirely). You don't want to be around someone who doesn't mind hurting you and messing with your head. Shut this down, regardless of how much he calls or follows when you don't play his game. His only interest is keeping you in the game. That is why he seeks you out - to keep it going. He is getting something that he wants from you. Really, don't make the mistake of assuming that he really cares for you and your welfare.


Oh he has told me he doesn't love me. He made that very clear. 

Saw him today (at the school), I tried staying out of his way and he still damned well finds me. 

Saw him at the supermarket (neither of us planned that), caught him staring at me. 

He's everywhere. 

I'm pretty ticked off though, we are talking, but he's putting in minimal effort. As much as I care for him, and I genuinely do, I'm starting to think that I really am being an idiot for waiting around for a man who really couldn't give a rats about me. I think you're right soulpotato, it's all a game. 

What I don't understand is why I'm so emotionally attached to somebody who at the end of the day, couldn't give a stuff about me. I guess, a part of it is his hot & cold keeps me hoping. The old "random reinforcement" has been well and truly at play.

Honestly, I want it to be on or I want it to be off. If it's off, I want him to stop following me.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Beachbabe123 said:


> I'm pretty ticked off though, we are talking, but he's putting in minimal effort. As much as I care for him, and I genuinely do, I'm starting to think that I really am being an idiot for waiting around for a man who really couldn't give a rats about me. I think you're right soulpotato, it's all a game.


That would be typical - he doesn't want to invest a lot, just enough to keep things going and to keep you hanging on. I would be careful with this guy, too. The stalking is troubling.



Beachbabe123 said:


> What I don't understand is why I'm so emotionally attached to somebody who at the end of the day, couldn't give a stuff about me. I guess, a part of it is his hot & cold keeps me hoping. The old "random reinforcement" has been well and truly at play.
> 
> Honestly, I want it to be on or I want it to be off. If it's off, I want him to stop following me.


You may even have a particular vulnerability to this kind of treatment/behavior from someone else. Yes, you will try far harder and longer when you are rewarded intermittently than you will if you try and are never rewarded. You're going to have to firmly discourage him, and hold to your stance on ending this, because he has made it obvious that he doesn't respect you or your wishes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It sounds like he's stalking you! End all contact immediately! The stalking is extremely creepy behavior!


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It sounds like he's stalking you! End all contact immediately! The stalking is extremely creepy behavior!


He has been following me around a bit. 

We spoke on & off last week. Just general stuff. Then Friday he asked me about what time I hoped to get in an event I've entered. I said a pretty fast time (not sure if I can, but would like to try). He caught up with me on the way home from school & mocked me (jokingly). I've had no contact since then. He's just pulled back. 

This is what hurts. He follows me around, he talks, then he vanishes. I know we are both jaded but I thought he may be interested considering he's turning up everywhere. I don't know if it's because...

He's unsure. 

He's not interested.

He's pissed at me (I'm not allowed to say anything positive about myself, or I'm punished with withdrawal).

I can't ask him if he'd like to keep talking. He will get angry at me, tell me I'm clingy & how busy he is. 

But he may be back tomorrow, he may be back next week, next month, in the year 2050. And it keeps me hoping 

I really tried this week. I know he did too & now he's gone & I'm once again in tears.

ETA: Sorry, my dilemma now is what to do if/when he gets in touch with me. Do I ignore him, tell him it's best we stop communicating (he'll get mad), just reply with one or two words. Do I just accept he may be unsure and give him space? How do I let him go when I miss him so much, despite everything that's happened? I'm not in the situation where I can't ask him about the "relationship", because he will blow up. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Stop playing his silly games, he is clearly getting some twisted kick out of messing you around. Move on and find someone who truly cares for you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Beachbabe123 said:


> ETA: Sorry, my dilemma now is what to do if/when he gets in touch with me. Do I ignore him, *tell him it's best we stop communicating (he'll get mad),* just reply with one or two words. Do I just accept he may be unsure and give him space? How do I let him go when I miss him so much, despite everything that's happened? I'm not in the situation where I can't ask him about the "relationship", because he will blow up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, tell him you want to stop communicating. So what if he gets mad? 

What is it that you miss? You haven't described anything like a healthy relationship at all. Your fantasy of what things could be like between you if only he were different is just that, a fantasy. That's what you're having trouble letting go of. That's what you're in love with, not the real him and the actual way he treats you.


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

I miss talking to him, he could be very nice, we had a lot in common. I miss the sex. 

I don't understand why he started following me around, hijacking my son so I'd have to go to his place, only to turn around and ignore me. Is it because he's unsure about "revisiting" the friendship, or is he just having one massive laugh?

This all blew up over his inability to communicate, his hot and cold, him having no time for me but having time for everybody else (and always telling me who he was spending time with), and when I blew up, he told me I was needy. And he would always try to press the reset button. I kept/keep hoping when he comes back, he'll give me what he gave me in the beginning. 

I don't understand why he wants to see me (as in following me around), but not be with me. Is it just to make sure I remain addicted?

I know from an outsider I look absolutely pathetic. That the only one who can give me power is me, and the only way to have the power is to walk away. I can't seem to let go of that hope 

He copies me, he is jealous of me, he is fascinated by what I am doing, always keeping tabs on what's going on via mutual friends. Why do that when you're not interested? I don't do that with anybody I know, because honestly, while I like all my friends, I'm not interested in where they will be, what they've been doing & what they last had for dinner.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to go to counselling and find out why your self esteem is so low that you are allowing this man to treat you like an option. 

You deserve better.


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## Beachbabe123 (Oct 28, 2013)

Yes, counseling would be great, but it's not something I can afford at the moment.


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