# He is "TOO NICE"



## lynnbrown (Jul 24, 2010)

I am engaged to the most generous, kind,gentle man I have ever known. Unfortunately it is also his main fault. He has worked two jobs for the first 26 yrs of his life. He has three grown sons and two grown step-children. His wife did not work, struggled with bi-polar issues, was mentally/psychically abusive to him and put him deeply in debt. She committed suicide five years ago. We have been together for over two years. He has a decent job and was finally able to buy his first house and pay off his debts after her death. Two of his sons live at home. One has his own business (runs it out of home) that is doing very well, the other makes "ok" money. His middle son lives with his girlfriend and child in a nearby town. 
I work at a low paying job (that I love) and am raising my two youngest children (17 & 5). I have always worked hard and provided to the best of my ability for my family. They may not have everything they want but they have everything they need. I have raised my children to be responsible, sufficient & respect others.
My fiancé wants to marry soon but I have issues that I am struggling with. He has no backbone. His sons (29 &25) live at home for free. They are always partying, buying trucks, cars, boats, motorcycles. He pays the house payment, utilities, cable, cell phones, ect. They do pay for their toys and insurance. He has lent them money over the years and the two boys at home do pay him back. The one that lives on his own owes him thousands of dollars and gives him a paltry payment each month though admits he spends hundreds EACH weekend out drinking. He just bought all new furniture and his fifth vehicle this year. My fiancé recently had his house payment raised and his hours cut at work. He also has a impending court case with attorney fees. 
I told him it is time to start asking for the boys to start stepping up to the plate and baring some of the responsibilities. He is afraid they will get mad at him. He doesn't want to "make waves". Dont take me wrong. I like the boys but I feel its grow-up time. 
I rent a small house not far from him. He has been living with me for over a year now.He only goes to his house to work in his garage, pay bills and take care of his dogs. I refuse to let him help out with any of my household expenses because he is has his own to deal with. I dont want to marry him until we can become one household. He told me that he informed the boys I would be moving in to his home by 9/01/11. He wants to give them a chance to prepare for it, and by that time my daughter will be in college.
I am just frustrated at the lack of respect given to him. He has done so much for so many and they just keep taking and he cant say no. He has three years left on two cars that he co-signed for that are not being paid. He has people his son let use his address to have legal notices sent because they dont want to be found. He has things come up missing from his home. You never know who will be over there. He has two dogs that his son did not want get dropped off at his house that have all but destroyed the carpet due to lack of potty training. They are eight years old. His two step-children are finally out of the picture only because I had a meltdown over all the money he was forking over to them without so much as a thank you. I realize he is trying to make up for all he missed out on while they were growing up but money is not the way to do it. He wants to retire in six years but I dont see how that will be possible unless he starts setting some boundaries. I love this man and I dont want to lose him but I cant hope for a future with someone who constantly allows themselves to be taken advantage. I need some advice on how to deal with this. I dont want to be the b--ch here. I need some words of wisdom - Please


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Alas wise words are in short supply. Frustration is not. 

Some men need to be told directly what is happening around them, some just don’t care until they get a good kick up the butt (metaphorically speaking) to shake their brains loose. 

Best option is for him to stop giving them money but I am sure you have gone through that already. Carry on pushing but do not move until the sons are out and he commits to you to keep the monies for you as a couple. You will need to control the finances. 

All the best


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## lynnbrown (Jul 24, 2010)

Thank you for the response. I must admit that this is the first relationship I have ever been in that I have been able to express my thoughts and concerns on anything (the man has always been the one to take control). It is hard for me to do so without feeling like I am overstepping my bounds. He, on the other hand, is used to always giving in to keep peace at any cost. Its like watching a puppy getting kicked and coming back with its tail wagging. It tears me up and kicks my protectiveness into overdrive. I want him to take control for "HIM" not for me.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I suspect that once he get his son's out of the way he will start to live life a little more freely, I would like to say patience will reap you the reward but it is a way to go to 9/01/11


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WOW, unfortunetly , even though YOU ARE RIGHT 100%, you will be the "bi***" if you step in here and take control, boy will you look like the wicked step mother. They will all accuse you of wanting his money, since you want to put stops on his handing it out. Even though this is not the issue at all, but responsibility on spoiled older children. 

I don't think I would marry into that. Since he is so much older, not sure how you are going to change him now after all these years and all these expectations on the part of his children! 

But nothing wrong with letting him know HOW you feel and the trouble you will have being married into this ! 

Start there, not with the wedding vows.


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## lynnbrown (Jul 24, 2010)

I had a near fatal incident 01/11/09. He saved my life. He never left my side the 6 days I was in ICU and has been at my side every since. It was a major wake-up call for me. I appreciate so much more now of what life has to offer & not to take for granted the precious little time we have left. I think something clicked in him also. Your children are going to remember more what you did with them than the money/things you gave them. Even as adults. I encourage him to spend as much time with the boys as possible working on their project race car. I truly care for the boys and I think I have proven to them that I only have their dads best interest at heart. My concern is that when they move out they will not have anything to bring to the plate with their partners because they have never had to struggle to make ends meet. And that even though it is their home it is their fathers house and should be respected as such.
My income ($30,000) to his household may not be much but it if that much more than he receives now. He is to retire in six years. Then it will be our time. I have made it 100% clear to all that I want nothing monetary out of our relationship, only time with him. But I also made it clear that I will not allow him or our home to be disrespected. Life is to short for unneeded drama. My grandmother use to say "blood is thicker than water but so is s--t". Being family does not give you the right to take advantage of or disrespect. On the contrary, family should be the ones you hold closest to your heart and set examples for. Saying no doesn't mean you love them any less. You teach people how to treat you and I believe if he would exert a little parental authority with consistency and consequence it would be received - maybe with a little resistance - but received. Its just getting him to do it. I feel we should be on the same page and this should be resolved before we get married.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

A year is far too long to have this all addressed if things are being stolen or property destruction is happening from dogs. What's with the legal notices to the son???

This is going to get ugly before it gets better. I suspect that it is going to become legal in nature to get them out and repair the damage to the house and get him back what he is owed. So you may as well look into that sooner rather than later.

Check in with sherrifs office what steps you need to take to get them out. Seriously they will not be leaving on 9/1/11 without some display of force.

Small claims court for outstanding monies.


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## lynnbrown (Jul 24, 2010)

He is actually involved in a law suit now with stepdaughter. She was the one taking things from the house. Seems since he quit making her car payment, paying for repairs for her car, giving her money, paying her cell phone,ect she realizes that she is suffering from emotional abuse from thirty years ago that she needs to be compensated for. She is forty yrs old. She became increasingly dependent/demanding on him when her mother died. She refuses to work and plays the system. Of course her attorney took the case on contingency. He is paying for his attorney. His boys cant stand her. She even had the nerve to ask if she was still a beneficiary on his life insurance. She is extremely upset that he is in a relationship with me and he should be "remembering her mother". I guess at 53 yrs old he shouldn't even consider having a life of his own. His sons would move out if he asked them - but he set the time frame so they could "prepare". Who needs 16 months to prepare ? It just allows them 15 more months of irresponsibility. I will give credit to them though - they have awesome credit scores due to buying, trading & selling. Easy to do when you dont have any other bills.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hang in there, it will get worse and then better. Always light at the end of the tunnel just get him to stay focused. Family issues are the worst kind to deal with


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would research some sort of empowerment course that the two of you can sign up for and attend together. Let him 'get it' on his own from listening to the speakers.


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## lynnbrown (Jul 24, 2010)

I never thought of doing something like that. Thanks. I was hoping he would get a clue watching Judge Judy and Dr. Phil with be but did not happen.


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