# Can you fix addiction problems after sobriety?



## sugar4p (Feb 6, 2014)

My hubby of 12 years finally got clean after I kicked him out. He lived out of his car, had to eat at homeless shelters, and then crashed his car. Leading to rock bottom. Finally, we got there. Phew. Praise the Lord. I thought he was going to kill someone or even himself. 

Here we are a year into his sobriety and he wants to come home and I'm not ready. I will probably get there someday, but not today. This answer of course is unacceptable to him and then I get called every name in the book and just evil things come out of his mouth which leads me to... why was I considering letting him come home again? so i can be treated like this? But, I love this man. He is a good man who has made some mistakes and worked really hard to fix them. I've made mistakes. We've all made mistakes. Shouldn't I be able to work past this?

I saw us being together forever. I still could see it happening if I am willing to accept some of these things that really hurt me like the controlling and name calling. After decades of counseling it'll never change. And I have no faith that he wont go back to using/drinking. I've heard all those stories I don't know how many times. But finding a new man just brings new problems. No one is perfect so why shouldn't I try to accept my husband with all his faults he brings to the table just like he does with mine.

We are both just so angry, and hurt. I don't know if either one of us will ever get past it but I know we would both suffer through it if I said come home. Most days would be good days, even great days. But there would be plenty of those days that would be torture because we have so much bad history built up.

At this point he keeps throwing the divorce word at me everytime we talk. Says I'm stringing him along for selfish reasons and placing so much blame on me (which as you know addicts are so very good at) Here's a good one - I get blamed for him hitting rock bottom. LOL, that one I take full credit for!! but he felt abandoned. And he's still really angry about it 18 months later. 

I made a vow to God till death do us part, I don't want to be divorced. I keep hoping something will say today is the day that everything goes back to being perfect again with him. That day never comes. I am just at a loss on what to do because I would be o.k. with calling it quits and I know I will be so much happier after some time passes. Nothing is happy right now. Not only do I not have my soulmate at my side, he is on the other side throwing not only stones but boulders at me. 

I want to fix it I just don't think its possible. Can we fix it?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Depends. What is he doing for his sobriety? Are you sure he is clean and sober? He sounds like a dry addict to me with all the blaming of you he is doing. Usually a person who is truly in recovery is grateful to the people that stopped enabling them so they could hit bottom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Is he in AA? AA is a good place, but they only deal with helping those stay clean and sober they do not get to the root of the real issues. He will likely need therapy to go along with his AA recovery. A professional who can help him learn coping skills etc. Alanon is a good place for you to be as well. Check out some local meetings in your area if you haven't already. 

I understand you took a vow and don't want to be divorced but at some point you will need to decide what you want for your marriage, to keep him at a distance in hopes he will change, or just divorce and get on with your lives. There is such a thing as false hope, but only you can decide how long to hold out in hopes he will change.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

His drinking is only one of his issues.

There is no reason you should accept him back just because he is sober. His sobriety is a step along the way toward him being healed. It isn't the end-goal.

Is he in therapy? Not just AA, but therapy to discuss his behavioral and relational issues?

If he chooses to divorce you, let him. If that is easier for him to do than to address those other issues, he is free to do so.

It is great that he struggled to hit rock bottom and got there. He is to be congratulated and commended. I can understand how he might feel that he's accomplished a lot and should be welcomed back home. BUT.

Do you have a daughter? If you do, ask him if he thinks your daughter should take a man back who is abusive in the way he is to you, especially after the years of heartbreak and pain already suffered. Refusing to be abused is a strength, not a weakness. Would he prefer a daughter who is strong or weak? 

He drinks and feels bad about himself. He stops drinking and feels better. He comes home and emotionally abuses his wife. He feels bad about himself again. How long is that man going to remain sober?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Do you have any codependency issues to look at yourself, if you have then I'd look at those first.

My husband got clean & came out of rehab about 3 months ago, he lived separately but we still fell straight back into the same awful circle because he still had all the behaviours of an addict and I was still behaving like a codependant (putting his needs first, not taking responsibility for my own happiness, not speaking out for what I need, putting his recovery infront of everything etc) and so we just went round in circles & are now separated permanently for the foreseeable future. 

Just something to consider, good luck with what you decide.


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## stonepaper (Feb 20, 2014)

Yeah, he doesn't sound very well if he's being foul on the phone. 

You'd do well to keep an arms length if you're really certain you can't let him go.

Try reading "Co-dependent No More" to - it might be helpful for you.


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