# What should I do?



## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

A little background history

My husband and I have been married 15 yrs I very much love my Husband. He is my best friend. We have not had it easy. After 7yrs of marriage I became disabled. With my condition for the first 3 years I was busy fighting for my life and I admit I retreated pretty deep within myself. My husband was left to deal with everything: Our children,home, everything and take care of me. It was a huge amount of stress. As time went by I finally returned to living.

The last couple years have seen huge improvements in myself. I am still disabled but manage to have it be a part of myself but not in control of my life. The hardest part was I became a huge introvert. I did not go anywhere without my Husband. But our life became a bit routine. We did not take time for us as a couple. We only have a few friends. We had no money to really do anything and my Husband job he works long hours for 3 days and then has 3 days off. For 3 days I or our kids hardly see him. Maybe 30 minutes. So on his days off we like to be with him. I thought we were happy. Yeah I wished to spice things up a bit but after 15 yrs it is easy to get comfortable.

Now here is the problem. About a month ago my whole world crashed around me. My Husband had a test to study for for work. He said he was going to a fellow coworkers house (yes a female) to study for a couple hours. He said they were going to have a couple beers, too I wasn't real thrilled because this woman was someone I only met once and she is 10yrs younger but I trusted my Husband and agreed. Well he ended up drunk and did not come home till 1am he was there for 12hrs. I was very upset but he accused me of not trusting him and said nothing happened. But his reaction to the whole thing was different. He was not apologetic. I sensed something but he made me feel bad and that I was crazy. But he was cold to me and very distant.

Then I made the mistake of checking the phone records. He had been texting her a lot more than he should for a co worker. I confronted him about it. And things really spiraled out of control. In the fights that occurred all kinds of things came out. I was to controlling. I never let him have friends. He even spent nights at a new friends house from work. He talked about separation etc. he told me he loved me but was not in love with me and he didn't feel he could love me the way I deserved. He said things have been going wrong for a long time now. Finally things got so bad I gave up but he talked to a mutual friend and they made him see things I guess because he came to me and said he did want to leave and admitted to an emotional affair with this woman but it was one sided. She was just someone who listened. 

We came to a truce and decided to work on things but I couldn't resist temptation and checked the phone records again and the texting was going on still even more than before. Again I brought it up to him and asked him to end the friendship. I understood due to his job he would need to text her from time to time. But he blew up and said I couldn't tell him who to be friends with and he would continue to be her friend. Well I caved because I did not want to push him away.

Things were going ok but then the one day he said we had to stop at the phone store because he was having prob. with his phone. While in the store he kept trying to shoo me away. The prob w/his phone was he was trying to install aim chat. After we left I asked why he needed that. He told me his new buddy from work did not give out is phone number. I then asked kindof joking that "No it was probably so he could chat to that woman without me be able to check" He said "No he did not even know if she had an account"

We went home and he installed aim on his computer because that is what he needed to do. Well the next day he was at work and one of kids got on his computer and aim popped up and there was a name he had added. I got curious because he said he knew no one and had to get the screen name from his buddy at work. I googled it and it was the womans name. So the very first person he added was her . I asked him about it and he said he lied because he did not want to upset me.

I feel with everything that happened with this woman that he should not be friends with her or be chatting with her. He password protected his phone and when I asked to see the texts he says he deleted them. I don't know know how to make him see how much it hurts that he is remaining friends with this woman. That it is disrespectful to me. He has told me he wants to be with me. He wants us to work on us but he will not give her up. I can not see how we can heal and move on with her still very much in the way. 

So what should I do?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

He is cheating, without a doubt. So sorry, I know exactly how devastating it is to feel this betrayal...If it hasn't gone physical yet, he is far along the slippery slope.

Assuming you want to try to stop the affair, fix the marriage and try to move forward with him, you need to gather proof and blow him out of the water. Blow the affair out of the water. Only then will he be in any position to work on the marriage and hopefully recommit to you. 

You can get his texts (if he has an iPhone many of us can tell you exactly what to look for and where), but not from his phone, which is good because he has it passcoded anyway.. You'd have to have access to the computer he syncs it to (which it sounds like you do have access to).

Do NOT tell him you are keeping track of any of his activities until you have proof or you'll set yourself back because he'll be more careful. Install a keylogger on the computer and find out what he's doing. Are you able to read the aim logs between him and the other woman? If he has disabled log-keeping in aim you could switch it back without telling him. He may notices eventually, but you might get what you need. People in affairs get sloppy when they think they're getting away with it.

Plenty more you can do to catch him. The people here will give you tons of advice. Use it wisely...most of us have been where you are right now.

Whatever you do, try to stay calm in front of him for now, pretend everything's normal. When you have proof, put it in front of him in black and white.

Is the OW married? When you have proof you need to alert her husband (if she is married). That will put pressure on the affair, make it no fun for them anymore, and then it's anyone's game. It will also make him very angry, irrational, he will blame you for what he's done, may threaten all kind of things. Ignore it, it's normal (unless he threatens violence, then call the police).

How many children do you have and what ages?

Good luck, please take care of yourself in the meantime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

The other woman is 29 and single. Lives alone No boyfriend. My Husband and her work together and he says he has to text her for work.
But the texts are every day. From the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed there are texts from to her all day every day. Even his days off which are also her days off so they should not need to discuss work. 


He has a blackberry so even I wanted to check I know of no way to do so. One thing in his favor is there have been no phone calls Only texts. He put the aim chat on his phone so I don't think it would log anything 

I simply want him to give up his friendship with this woman. I want to be able to trust him again. He does make me feel as if I am being irrational about this. That it is ok for him to remain friends with her even after his emotional affair with her. He says that part is over and he can just be friends with her.


But if I say much about it he says I am pushing him away.
We have 2 children ages 14 and 11


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Being single does not secure her from exposure , find the contact details of her parents and / or siblings , expose the affair to them . There is no way they can be friends , what your husband is doing is cake eating. Do yourself a faviour and ramp this up , go to a lawyer understand the in and out of securing yourself, check if your state supports divorce for adultery .

What waywards fear is exposure , tell her family of the affair , if he does not cease contact with her the threat of divorce with her name mentioned and made public is not what they want. Waywards fear exposure, the affair thrives in secrecy it flouders when many eyes are on them .

Start running the 180 , the link below takes you to the detail:

Fence Sitters
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Ouch...if I were you I would talk to a lawyer and find out your options. Then talk with your husband and tell him his actions have consequences. He told you he wants to be with you and work on the marriage. Make him prove it. He gives her up, or he gives you up, and destroys his family. If you won't accept being his "buddy" and housekeeper while he's attached emotionally (and most likely physically) with another woman, put your foot down. Some people are willing to live that way for the sake of the kids, you have to decide if that's you. 

If not, threaten divorce if he doesn't cut off all contact with her...demand marriage counseling...if he refuses, be prepared to follow through and file. You can always stop it down the road...he needs to know you're serious. He is disrespecting you BIGTIME. 

Yes, if you follow through and threaten divorce, he very well may leave and go to the OW, especially since she is single. That is the risk you may have to take if you want to end the affair. The prevailing wisdom on this forum (that I've seen, can't speak for everyone) is that sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage to save it.

That said, I am in divorce proceedings as of now, it's hard, but I don't regret it...I will not be #2 in my wife's life. She's either my wife or she's not. I won't be her roommate. We don't have kids, so it's different than your situation, but many others here will be able to shed some light. Hang in there...

Oh, not sure about Blackberry backups, anyone know if these are retrievable from syncs like with iPhones?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

B~ll sh~t, he giving you a script and you are falling for it. Women up and tell your H that you have no intention of controling him and he can do as he please, but you will no long hang around while the marriage falls apart.
Tough love girl, and you can control what you will tolorate and you can control the fact that you can move on with your kids and find a man that won't give you a bunch of BS and will respect your boundries.

So please do not beg for your marriage , but show him a confident women that can move on with out him.

Perceptions is everything, wish him well and let him know you hope his relationship with his coworker flurishes, and you will move on to find a better man that will.......again respect your boundries and even more important a man that has his own boundries that are healthy for a relationship.

Stay stronge and do not show weakness, this will empower him, What you need to show him is a strong and confident women that can raise her kids with or with out him.

Look into the 180 degree it will help you protect your self from futher emotional pain. Don't be confused, the 180 is ment to help you, not manipulate your husbands.

Again you can't control him , but you can control what you will tolorate and what you do to prevent you from additional pain that your H has already caused.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There is mention of Blackberries from page two in the link, not sure of it records text messages , 

Phone Recorders - Marriage Builders® Forums
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Also, I know what we're talking probably scares the heck out of you...but you didn't create this situation, everyone has things they can improve on in their marriage, but the cheating is 100% HIS fault. Work on yourself, be prepared to make big decisions, because it's go time, no matter how much you want everything to be normal again. Hard road ahead, but take charge of it and you'll feel a whole lot better going forward, no matter how it turns out. This is your life. Your kids' lives. Does he want to be a part of it? Right now, he sure isn't showing any signs besides words...empty words.

Accept the situation and TAKE CONTROL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You may be able to open the Blackberry Desktop Manager on his computer and change the settings to store texts when he backs up. Under Backup/Restore, then Advanced settings, then select that messages be backed up. Not sure if this will work, just going off some Google info. Most likely this would only give you texts going forward, but not any from the past. But it's worth a try.

I hate passcodes on phones. So disrespectful, especially at home. One thing if it's a business phone w sensitive data on it, but a huge red flag in a marital home. I for one can hardly stand the sound of a text coming in these days, reminds me of why I eventually had to leave my wife. Ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Also, I know what we're talking probably scares the heck out of you...but you didn't create this situation, everyone has things they can improve on in their marriage, but the cheating is 100% HIS fault. Work on yourself, be prepared to make big decisions, because it's go time, no matter how much you want everything to be normal again. Hard road ahead, but take charge of it and you'll feel a whole lot better going forward, no matter how it turns out. This is your life. Your kids' lives. Does he want to be a part of it? Right now, he sure isn't showing any signs besides words...empty words.
> 
> Accept the situation and TAKE CONTROL.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It does scare me. More than I can say. Everything just happened so fast but the more I read from everyone and the more I read the forums the more I realize what a fool I am. 

I am going to ask him again to give up this woman as a friend and prove it. I will ask him to show me his texts and compare them to the records to make sure none were deleted. If he will not go for that I am going to try the 180 approach. 

I am darn tired of walking on eggshells worried he just may leave me. I love him and want this this work out but I deserve his respect. 

Thank you all for the advise


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have him hand write a no contact letter to her; him hand writing this is a positive message for you, him declining indicates the affair is still ongoing, if he writes it send it in a way that she has to sign for it.

No Contact Letter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

NeenerT said:


> I am darn tired of walking on eggshells worried he just may leave me. I love him and want this this work out but I deserve his respect.


This, exactly. At some point you really won't be afraid he'll leave. That was a big turning point for me. Still sucks, but stay strong.


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

I honestly do not think he sees his "one sided emotional affair" as cheating because nothing physical happened 

It may not have been as bad as physically having an affair but it is still just as damaging. At least to me emotionally and him still being friends with her is just rubbing salt into the wound


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Curious how it's one-sided? Remember, he's most likely just saying whatever he can think of to downplay what's been going on...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Curious how it's one-sided? Remember, he's most likely just saying whatever he can think of to downplay what's been going on...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well as he explained she was only listening to him and had no emotional connection like he did. But when I had got fed up with things I had called her and she said she could not talk right then and she immediately texted him that I had called. I knew this because he called and asked what I was doing and said he told her not to call me back. So I ended up texting and told her to basically quit texting my Husband. She replied with that he is just a co-worker and whatever was going on was between him and me. Yet later when he said again they were "just friends" I said "well she just views you as a co-worker from what she said" he told me "oh she just said that because you told her we should only be co-workers" 

If it was one sided why would she continue texting him knowing we are having problems and she was part of the issue


I also forgot there times he said he was going to his friends but the records show he was texting her the whole time until he said he arrived and then they suddenly stopped. Another time when he was off work he said he was going to be helping his friend move but did not know the day or time it was just one of the days he was off. (this is the friend who doesn't give his phone number out) Then about two days later he goes "oh I am going to help my friend move I don't know how long I will be" ummm how did he know if he did not text or call. So I asked he said "Oh I forgot I knew what day but not the time" again records show he was texting her and they again stopped when he said he was there. 

Funny thing is he told me she was looking for another place and the other day when we were talking he said "I haven't been at her apartment since the night I got drunk besides she moved and I don't know where she lives"

He just lies and lies and I catch him and he always has the perfect answer and makes me feel that I am the one in the wrong. I shouldn't be checking up on him


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## abracken30 (Oct 9, 2011)

My $.02... This is an ugly situation and very unfortunate. You certainly didn't ask to become disabled, but it's undeniable that this kind of thing completely 'changes the game' in any relationship. 

I'm sure it's ugly to hear this, but the 'better or for worse, sick or in health' commitment is almost impossible to live up to. It sounds reasonable at first, but when you're a man staring at yourself in the mirror knowing that you could have it better...that you've got one life to live and it's too early to let yourself go now...it's not unreasonable to crack under the strain.

It sounds like he's cheating on you, which isn't unreasonable given the circumstances. It's sad, but unfortunately things have changed since you got married. 

The best thing you can do is let him go...let him get it out of his system...let him live his life. I'm sure he still loves you, but asking someone to sacrifice their life and potential is beyond humanity.

If the situation was reversed and he was in your position, the manly thing to do would be to let you get on with your life.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

abracken30 said:


> It sounds like he's cheating on you, which isn't unreasonable given the circumstances. It's sad, but unfortunately things have changed since you got married.
> 
> The best thing you can do is let him go...let him get it out of his system...let him live his life. I'm sure he still loves you, but asking someone to sacrifice their life and potential is beyond humanity.


Totally disagree with this. What wouldn't be unreasonable would be for him to tell her her's not happy in the marriage, end it, and then pursue whatever he thinks will make him happy. That is what a decent man would do, it would hurt her, but at least respect her. His choice to betray her is sacrificing HER happiness in life, for the sake of his own, without her input. So much disrespect for her, while telling himself that it's okay for whatever reasons he can come up with.

I do agree that she needs to let him live his life though...just that he needs to decide if he wants to live it with her or without her.

Neener, I was wondering about his nights at "a friend from work's place". Clearly it was her place (at least some of the times). The fact that she refused to speak with you and deflected your concerns back on you shows she is invested in your H. She asked him whether she should talk to you...she is trying not to do any damage to her status with him. She cares. One-sided my a**. And speaking of the one-sided thing, wouldn't it be *worse* if your husband's story were true, and he is supposedly pursuing the OW for emotional needs, when she isn't interested? This is total BS. From an outside perspective, it seems quite clear they're having an affair and following the scripts cheaters follow.

You pretty much know beyond a doubt that he is being unfaithful, but without concrete proof you don't want to make the largest decision of your life, and find out your were wrong. I get that...I was the same way. This is why you need to get proof. Otherwise it will eat you up, because if you stay with him you'll always doubt him, and if you don't stay with him you'd wonder if he was really telling the truth and that you may have made a mistake. With proof, the ball is 100% in your court to make an educated decision, as well as smack him back to reality with something he absolutely can't deny. And even then he will, at least on details, but he'll know he's busted, not only being unfaithful, but lying mercilessly to the mother of his children, the woman he vowed to love and care for.

Speaking of proof, you say you've been able to read some of his texts, like when he'd tell her he was "there", and then the texting would stop for the night. Did you see this on his phone before he put the passcode on or did you have another method of getting this info?

Do you mind if I ask the nature of your disability? Does it forego any possibility of intimacy with your husband? Or just "change the ballgame" in some way?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

abracken30 said:


> My $.02... This is an ugly situation and very unfortunate. You certainly didn't ask to become disabled, but it's undeniable that this kind of thing completely 'changes the game' in any relationship.
> 
> I'm sure it's ugly to hear this, but the 'better or for worse, sick or in health' commitment is almost impossible to live up to. It sounds reasonable at first, but when you're a man staring at yourself in the mirror knowing that you could have it better...that you've got one life to live and it's too early to let yourself go now...it's not unreasonable to crack under the strain.
> 
> ...


Are you saying that you think that being a total piece of s**t is "understandable"???? The poster is not a horse with a broken leg that can be put down when she can't win races anymore, you don't just replace your spouse because they are disabled .Ending a relationship with a home wrecking W*$*e is not most people's idea of a big "sacrifice"either. Cheating, lying, and hurting others is not living up to your "potential", it's just being a slime ball.


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

He has always called me when he gets to where he is going. To let me know he has made it safely. For his job it's a 45 minute drive. And the one time he had totaled our car when a deer hit him on the way to work. But when this all started I got told that I am always wanting him to check in so I know where he is at. So then I started getting text "I made it" thats it. 

I never get to see his phone. He was texting me that he was there at his friends house but I would notice the text to her would stop, too

I have scleroderma a rare connective tissue disorder which limits my range of motion mostly in my hands and arms. I am improved from when I first developed it. It does change the ballgame in the way of intimacy a bit. I can't swing off the ceiling or such. We have always had a healthy sex life or so I thought now in all this he even complained about that. And all sense of intimacy stopped right after this woman made an appearance in our life.

I asked him last night about being open about his texts with her and letting me see them and he blew up. Said basically I would be invading his privacy. I told him him was the only way he could remain friends with her on my terms. And I got told I am controlling and that was I make up my mind up about something it has to happen and that it's been that way for the last 15 years and at first it was cute. Funny thing is right before that he told I don't make up my mind up about anything and gave examples.

Well I gave him the choice last night to either be willing to stop being friends with her, or let me see the texts or I can pack his bags for him until he makes up his mind.

I don't understand why he is fighting so hard and getting so defensive about this woman if she is just a "friend"


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

Don't get me wrong my Husband is a wonderful loving caring man. I fell in love with him for all those reasons. He was also there for me when I first got sick and took care of me when a lot of men would have bailed. For several years I admit he was more caregiver than Husband and that was a role that carried a lot of stress and was hard for him to let go.

But now he has changed and everything has happened since he met this woman. At first he said he did not like her. Then he invited her fishing with us because it was her birthday and he did not want her to be alone. The whole time he sat with her and was talking and laughing and all but ignoring me. I barely talked to her and did not even have a chance to get to know her. Then that night happened. And all the other stuff. He has told me he has texted her to make sure she gets home alright because she had a hard day at work. He said once he was texting her to spite me because I was checking the records on and on

I really don't want to believe anything is going on. That he is telling the truth. But when you put everything together it doesn't look so good. I have tried to make him see that but he refuses. 
He expects me after everything to just forget about it and trust him. I am the bad guy in this and I am overreacting and reading too much into everything and I want to believe that I really do. 

I love my Husband and only want him to be happy. If he can only be happy without me then I will have to accept that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NeenerT said:


> I don't understand why he is fighting so hard and getting so defensive about this woman if she is just a "friend"


well you know the answer already


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NeenerT said:


> I really don't want to believe anything is going on. That he is telling the truth. But when you put everything together it doesn't look so good. I have tried to make him see that but he refuses.
> He expects me after everything to just forget about it and trust him. I am the bad guy in this and I am overreacting and reading too much into everything and I want to believe that I really do.
> 
> I love my Husband and only want him to be happy. *If he can only be happy without me then I will have to accept that.*



He's following the typical cheater's script, of course he won't let you see anything or agree to end it as he's knee deep in the affair fog and has no intentions of telling you the truth.

I bolded that last statement as it is important that you have come to that realization. You have to put the cards in the table and say, "me or her"


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Do you have access to his cell bill? It will show you exactly when each text took place. It will show you how many there were. 

You need to talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. Having a disability may change divorce proceedings, I don't know. But once you have your ducks in a row, present him with an option: show me your phone right now and open it so I can read all of your texts or we are divorcing. He IS cheating. Minimum, emotinally. But they're not 7th graders. 12 hours with booze and someone you're connecting with emotionally? I would be AMAZED if it didn't get physical.

You have to leave him. Or make it known to him you WILL leave if there isn't some pretty immediate transparency. I've got to think that you've got a BIG advantage in him leaving you because you got sick. That's not going to sit well with too many people who matter.

Good luck


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

I do have access to the cell bill. It is what really clued me on things. I have not looked for over a week because I promised I would not and he promised no more lying. I am trying to keep my word.

I wouldn't begin to know how to catch him in anything other than cell phone records. I have no way to see his texts. He passcoded his blackberry. He doesn't talk on the computer but through his phone for aim chat. I know limited info on her: name age phone number.

I don't even know that I would want to "catch him" It may prove everything or not. I rather like being oblivious. It's far less painful.
I don't want to believe he would do that to me. That the man I love would ever intentionally rip my heart out and stomp on it. But in the last month or so he has done so many things out of character

I honestly don't know what to do any more

I know I am not perfect. That there is much room for improvement on my part. But he makes me feel there is nothing good about me any more. He seems to be only focusing on anything negative in the last 15 years, he's remembering things differently. There was negative but there was also a lot of positive. We were happy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

NeenerT said:


> I do have access to the cell bill. It is what really clued me on things. I have not looked for over a week because I promised I would not and he promised no more lying. I am trying to keep my word.
> 
> I wouldn't begin to know how to catch him in anything other than cell phone records. I have no way to see his texts. He passcoded his blackberry. He doesn't talk on the computer but through his phone for aim chat. I know limited info on her: name age phone number.
> 
> ...


okay so much for having the realization of making a stand....

And you are most certainly NOT oblivious, in fact you know darn well what's happening here and you're choosing to sweep it under the rug instead of facing it head on. 

Ask yourself this...The way you feel right now, the angst, the waffling back and forth, the feelings of inadequacy, the stress, etc etc. Do you really think that all will go away on it's own as your husband's affair continues? Do you think that by doing nothing you stand a chance of winning him back? Do you want to watch your marriage just die a long and painful death?

I'm not saying that by confronting with an ultimatum now that you will stay married and be happy (it very possible it won't turn out that way)- but it's really the only chance you got.
And if he does leave you then at least you can move on to the next step and finding the happiness you deserve.


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

I know I am waffling back and forth. It's hard not too.
My head says one thing My heart another.

What's really sad is when he stayed at this woman's house for so long and was drunk I did not think anything physical happened, still don't. But at the time I was worried more about how it would look if someone from his work was to find out even though nothing had happened. They have pretty strict policies. But then he acted so out of character for himself.

He had the nerve to say that the only thing he did was tell her she had pretty eyes. That really upset me. But again he saw nothing wrong with that. He never tells me I have pretty eyes. His idea of a compliment is when I look nice is to say "what are you so dressed up for" He believes that is a compliment. I tell him all the time how sexy and handsome he is. Of course he rolls his eyes but I do compliment him. 

He sees nothing wrong with spending time with a single woman 10 years younger than him alone and being her friend. He says I am old fashioned and asked me what century I am living in because I took issue with that and said it was inappropriate. Am I wrong to feel that way? Now I def. have issues with him being her friend after everything that happened.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

That's called gaslighting and blameshifting- do NOT stand for that. He's trying to justify his affair to you and call it a friendship. At the very least it is a EA, likely that it went PA.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Look Neener,

I know that this is scary.

I know that it sucks that you've been put here.

I know you are frozen as to doing anything about it.


BUT find that inner strength. Reach down deep. Do it for yourself, do it for your children. Do it because if don't you are going to kill your soul and well being. Did you just give up when you got your disability? No, you fought it. Why? Because you had to. Now you're in a similar position- you have to fight. Give yourself some credit. You are much stronger than what you are telling us.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Please do not doubt yourself. You don't KNOW anything physical happened. What you DO know is that he has spent ENTIRELY too much secret time with her. How he can text her that much and REFUSE to show you the texts is incomprehensible. On top of that to spend 12 hours with her drinking and come back at 1:00 AM? 

You have enough RIGHT NOW t get in his face and DEMAND transparency or you're leaving. He shows you his cell RIGHT NOW, no time to delete texts, or you walk.

He is being intimate with this woman. MAYBE not physicaly, but they are doing some serious bonding behind your back. SERIOUS. And why would she IMMEDIATELY call him to warn him that you contacted her.

If you truly think this can be AT ALL innocent, you have serious denial problems. Get angry. Demand transparence. Have a suitcase packed when you confront him. If he balks at all, walk out that door and don't come back.

There has never been a text message that I would have the SLIGHTEST problem showing my wife. Not the ONE. And if I were texting a woman hundreds of times a month, I would surely understand my wife's problem with it and be transparent.

You are wondering if you have a problem and everyone reading this thread KNOWS you do. A HUGE problem. THere is ZERO doubt.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As one who cheated, let me tell you what I am going to do if I was him. As long as you leave me in control of you and me, I'm going to exploit my relationship with you so that I can have her too. I know you're hurting some, but I can live with it. I like how this OW makes me feel. My ego is getting a huge boost from it. You did that too me many years ago, but it's expired over time. So now I know I have obligations to you, but I have new selfish obligations to myself.

So I'm going to continue to keep you from putting reality in my face in the form of seeing phone bills, my texts, and more so that I don't have to change my ways. 

But if you put down divorce papers in front of me, I may just wake up. You might even hear a popping sounds as I pull my head out of my rear. 

But until then, I'm calling all of the shots.....because you are letting me.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you have to take a hard look and face reality. Your husband is cheating. It is a deep EA and most likely PA. As co-workers, they do NOT need to text. Most co-workers IM, email, or call during office hours. If he's taking days off, she probably is too so they can spend alone time together.

My husband had a 7 month EA/PA with a co-worker. They would take afternoons off to spend time together and they left work early to go get a drink. It's very easy to hide a PA with a co-worker. Visitng her apartment or getting a hotel room for the afternoon is simple for your Husband and the OW. For people that start an EA, it doesn't take long to go physical if they are in close proximity to each other.

The sooner you realize that your husband is no longer the man you married, but this new man who cheats and lies at the expense of your emotional well being, the better. There is no secrets or privacy in a marriage, the only reason someone hides something is if it needs to be hidden to keep doing it.

After d-day, my DS trickle truthed, but finally revealed the extent of his affair. Since then he gives me all passwords, emails, his where abouts, and answers every question I ask. He does not get defensive and did whatever I asked regarding the OW. After a betrayal there is no trust until the DS can show through their actions they are earning trust back. Your husband has lied, he does not deserve your trust. You owe him nothing as far as keeping promises, and there's no way he's keeping any of his promises right now.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't want you to live in this torment any longer. I've lived it and even with a DS who is remorseful and doing everything they can to build trust, it is a hard and painful road. 

Your husband is cheating, lying, blameshifting, gaslighting, and cake eating. He is acting like a textbook wayward. What happens now is up to you.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My wife checked my phone this weekend. She saw a strange text to me, and my emails. I'm glad she took the time to look and get some comfort from doing so. The strange text was a wrong number text. All of my emails were normal. Not a single form of contact from, or to, the OW as I promised. It felt good to not have to hide anything.


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## NeenerT (Oct 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone for the advice and words
I am very overwhelmed at the moment

I am so very scared and confused at the moment because
part of is going "omg they are so right and so much fits so how could they possibly be wrong." Another part of me is saying "everyone is wrong my Husband wouldn't do this to me"

Very conflicting emotions


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then start digging more, because it sounds like you need more proof staring you in the face to come to terms


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'll bet that he is scared too. You need to find the truth so that you can move on in some direction.


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## chaohooy (Oct 11, 2011)

At least to me emotionally and him still being friends with her is just rubbing salt into the wound


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

NeenerT said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice and words
> I am very overwhelmed at the moment
> 
> I am so very scared and confused at the moment because
> ...


Normal to be scared and very understandable that you feel conflicting emotions. I still look at my husband sometimes and think, "I can't believe he did this to me" and that's after him confessing all the sordid details of the affair himself. It's hard to fathom someone you've trusted and loved for so many years hurting you in such a vile way. It's as if our brains deny the truth for fear the pain will be too much for us too handle. 

The pain of discovery is almost unbearable. I lost drastic amounts of weight and slept almost constantly the first few weeks after d-day. It's like my body was shutting down from shock. But here I sit living and loving life again. On the road to recovery with my H, a healthy weight, and eager for the future whatever it might bring. 

It's okay to be scared, but it's not okay to deny yourself the respect you deserve. For your sake I hope we're all wrong about your H cheating, but so many times we're spot on. Once you've lived it, you can see it so clearly. It's like someone lifted blinders from our eyes. But really it's just our innocence stripped away, making it easier to see and believe the wrong people can do to those they love.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Saffron said:


> ...I hope we're all wrong about your H cheating, but so many times we're spot on.


Just to clarify, his cheating is a known fact. Hundreds of secret texts to another woman is, by definition, cheating. Maybe what you meant the say is you hope we're wrong about the PHYSICAL part.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

MrK said:


> Just to clarify, his cheating is a known fact. Hundreds of secret texts to another woman is, by definition, cheating. Maybe what you meant the say is you hope we're wrong about the PHYSICAL part.


I was thinking because her Husband keeps saying he and the OW are "just friends", Neener is holding out hope that he's being truthful and they were only ever friends. But I'm with you, the secret texts and unwillingness to cut off contact with the OW is a betrayl. It's cheating regardless of how deep emotionally or physically he's involved with the OW, because he's putting the OW and their "friendship" before his wife.

When I say I hope we're wrong, I mean I hope it's not as deep emotionally and/or physically as we all seem to think. I hope for her sake it's at that begining stage where it's inappropriate, but hasn't crossed the lines of "I love you". But perhaps it has and I missed those posts? Regardless, I don't think we're wrong. I think this is a full blown affair and crossed the "inappropriate" line when they started texting each other about anything other than work months ago.


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