# Videogaming ruining my marriage?



## Oosie123 (Apr 20, 2018)

Feel a little silly turning to the internet but I dont have anyone i can talk to without feeling like im betraying my husband. I also havent talked to him about this yet because im trying to figure out how to approach it. Im 32, he is turning 30 this year. We are going on 6 years together, 3 years of marriage. We both work full time, he mon-fri 8-5, me three 12 hour shifts a week and i often pick up an extra 8 hour shift a week. Needless to say our jobs are stressful. My husband enjoys MMO computer games, I know thats his hobby and it helps him destress. My long hours cause me to be tired by 10 or 11pm. I often go to bed alone while my husband plays video games on the computer next to our bed. I fall asleep trying to wait up thinking we will be having sex. Or ask him to wake me up when he comes to bed but sometimes i am so tired i dont even realize he is trying to wake me. This has been going on for months. Ive tried telling him im lonely and he tried to lessen his game playing but now im back in the situation where maybe we have sex once a week. Recently while looking for something under our bed , under his side i found a Fleshlight sex toy and a bottle of lube. I feel devasted. I dont want to confront him for fear of shaming him. I have a vibrator from before our relationship started and have maybe used it 3 times (alone) in the 5 years we have lived together. So for that fact i feel i shouldnt be mad but i feel upset he spent 80$ on this and the hiding fact hurts me (he knows i still own this toy). I lost 80lbs and i feel a bit self conscience of my saggy skin, not terrible but not pretty lol. Does he wish i looked like the porn star this fleshlight is made to be like? Do I no longer satisfy him? The nights i sit in bed alone waiting for him, is he just not in the mood because he used his toy recently? These are the thoughts i have. Ugh just dont know what to do or say to him. I dont want him to quit gaming all together. I just feel a little less important. I try to bring it up and he gets upset feels like hes stretched in so many directions between work and me and life and responsibilities. I dont think im needy i dont ask for much. We tend to cook dinner together and every once in a while go do something whether it be plans we made or a family party. But as soon as we get home its straight to the computer he goes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you need to ask him to time-box his playing as it is taking too much time away from you. Ask him to limit it to after you have gone to sleep, or only for an hour a night type of thing. Just be honest and talk about all this stuff with him. IF he is doing too much porn, that may also explain the lack of sex for you -- why not ask him if you can use the Fleshlight on him?? Might be a good way to start things....

In any event I think you really need to talk with him, but don't attack. Try to keep rational and calm (and if you can't, write down what you want to discuss as that will help you remain focussed.)

Sorry that this is happening to you...


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

He is addicted to gaming... I know, i was. They are designed to be addictive.

It is most likely a very important part of his life (from his perspective) and he would rather clear his agenda to game instead of have sex with his wife or do something productive (maybe complete something that would stop stretching him in so many directions.) 

His fleshlight (or lube) could be there for when he wants quick sexual release and he cant be bothered to coordinate his gaming with your sexual cycle so he uses that.... this gives him even less motivation to be sexual with you since he just had release. There was a research article on the problem with "Gaming and Masturbation/Porn" as an attached addiction... Many gamers will play, stop to masturbate as their refresh, and go back to gaming. Something about a cycle of dopamine into the brain.... I'm not saying this is your husband; Im just saying that this is a thing out there.

If you find a way to get him to quit, or reduce his gaming time, then good for you.. but most likely it will need to be something that HE decides to do. He needs motivation and discipline to quit, and he needs to discover those on his own. 

Have you tried some overt ways to get his attention? Since he is gaming in your bedroom what if you just turned on your vibrator and started using it?

It's sad how many hours i wasted 'leveling up' some fake character that no longer exists instead of leveling up myself with muscle, or knowledge.....


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## Oosie123 (Apr 20, 2018)

Thank you both for your non judgemental responses. It helps to let this out talk to someone instead of holding it in. And Steve what you said really hits home. Helps to hear advice from a former gaming addict. I have always thought it but never thought he was truly addicted because he pays his bills and goes to work but i guess thats just a fuctioning addict. Im definitely going to try to entice him to get off the computer that way (ive tried other ways but they dont work as im a distraction and make his character die or something lol). I absolutely agree it needs to be his decision to quit or cut back. I dont want him to do it because i complained, then he will resent me for taking away his hobby. We are too young and newly married to be having these issues, its breaking my heart. I know that eventually i have to say something to him but i want it to be a conversation and not an argument.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Oosie123 said:


> Thank you both for your non judgemental responses. It helps to let this out talk to someone instead of holding it in. And Steve what you said really hits home. Helps to hear advice from a former gaming addict. I have always thought it but never thought he was truly addicted because he pays his bills and goes to work but i guess thats just a fuctioning addict. Im definitely going to try to entice him to get off the computer that way (ive tried other ways but they dont work as im a distraction and make his character die or something lol). I absolutely agree it needs to be his decision to quit or cut back. I dont want him to do it because i complained, then he will resent me for taking away his hobby. We are too young and newly married to be having these issues, its breaking my heart. I know that eventually i have to say something to him but i want it to be a conversation and not an argument.


I was addicted to MMOs 23 years ago. It almost destroyed my marriage. It was the primary reason she gave me for her first affair.
My marriage is over now but I never played MMOs again. Tell him games are ok IF and ONLY IF he changes to games that have a 15-20 min life cycle.
NO MORE MMOs!!

BTW Both sex and gaming are about dopamine release.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Quick answer...tell him clearly and once, of what you'll go along with time spent-wise in mmos. 
Limit is key, the obvious answer. Once he understand he's making you feel ignored, he should accommodate. 

That said, the talk very likely may escalate but stay on topic, and keep to a short conversation. 

You're both young. I believe this work out. 😉


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

PS I play star trek mmo every few years, for a couple days. But I'm an original trekkie. The ships look pretty good in recent years. 
I do spent time recording, that's my hobby, wife puts up with it. 😉 also being older, can afford better gear. I only hear minor grumbling when I might buy another guitar or piece of stage eqpt.

But, wife always comes first. She's my biggest fan and I'm hers.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Oosie123 said:


> Thank you both for your non judgemental responses. It helps to let this out talk to someone instead of holding it in. And Steve what you said really hits home. Helps to hear advice from a former gaming addict. I have always thought it but never thought he was truly addicted because he pays his bills and goes to work but i guess thats just a fuctioning addict. Im definitely going to try to entice him to get off the computer that way (ive tried other ways but they dont work as im a distraction and make his character die or something lol). I absolutely agree it needs to be his decision to quit or cut back. I dont want him to do it because i complained, then he will resent me for taking away his hobby. We are too young and newly married to be having these issues, its breaking my heart. I know that eventually i have to say something to him but i want it to be a conversation and not an argument.


Gaming is one distraction. I have been there. The self satisfying is a problem as well. In short, your H is sexually satisfied with whatever goo his is using. Tell your H to stop pulling the pud. The gaming needs to be limited. If your H has an issue with this advise that this is not what you signed up for. 

I cut gaming out of my life just about completely. I finally recognized it was ruining my marriage. It is ruining yours and your H has not realized it. 

Thinking about it, there are quite a few threads on TAM that concerns gaming and pud pulling ruining yet another marriage.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Oosie123 said:


> Feel a little silly turning to the internet but I dont have anyone i can talk to without feeling like im betraying my husband. I also havent talked to him about this yet because im trying to figure out how to approach it. Im 32, he is turning 30 this year. We are going on 6 years together, 3 years of marriage. We both work full time, he mon-fri 8-5, me three 12 hour shifts a week and i often pick up an extra 8 hour shift a week. Needless to say our jobs are stressful. My husband enjoys MMO computer games, I know thats his hobby and it helps him destress. My long hours cause me to be tired by 10 or 11pm. I often go to bed alone while my husband plays video games on the computer next to our bed. I fall asleep trying to wait up thinking we will be having sex. Or ask him to wake me up when he comes to bed but sometimes i am so tired i dont even realize he is trying to wake me. This has been going on for months. Ive tried telling him im lonely and he tried to lessen his game playing but now im back in the situation where maybe we have sex once a week. Recently while looking for something under our bed , under his side i found a Fleshlight sex toy and a bottle of lube. I feel devasted. I dont want to confront him for fear of shaming him. I have a vibrator from before our relationship started and have maybe used it 3 times (alone) in the 5 years we have lived together. So for that fact i feel i shouldnt be mad but i feel upset he spent 80$ on this and the hiding fact hurts me (he knows i still own this toy). I lost 80lbs and i feel a bit self conscience of my saggy skin, not terrible but not pretty lol. Does he wish i looked like the porn star this fleshlight is made to be like? Do I no longer satisfy him? The nights i sit in bed alone waiting for him, is he just not in the mood because he used his toy recently? These are the thoughts i have. Ugh just dont know what to do or say to him. I dont want him to quit gaming all together. I just feel a little less important. I try to bring it up and he gets upset feels like hes stretched in so many directions between work and me and life and responsibilities. I dont think im needy i dont ask for much. We tend to cook dinner together and every once in a while go do something whether it be plans we made or a family party. But as soon as we get home its straight to the computer he goes.


What happens from 5 P.M. (when he gets off work), to 10 P.M.? He games for that entire period? Could he start gaming earlier, and thereby come to bed with you? Or could you have sex earlier in the day before he starts gaming? You might consider removing the interior sleeve from his flesh light, hiding it, and replacing it with a seductive note, letting him know you're available.

As far as how to get him to cut back on games, you need to sit him down and tell him that you're not ok with the way things are. Tell him that you feel lonely in your marriage, and that you need him to start coming to bed with you. Tell him that you two need to put a system in place to prevent him from gaming when he should be in bed with you. Ask for his ideas.


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## snorkel (Apr 21, 2018)

The masturbation and video games are avoidance tactics whether he consciously knows it or not.

This is a big issue in your marriage and it needs to be addressed or it will not improve and most likely get worse.

Unfortunately the change has to come from him, and that's not going to happen from us giving you advice. If you try to push the issue he will likely get defensive and argue with you to no avail. 

Counseling is the only way and working on yourself to improve your appearance, that's a win/win because you'll feel better and hopefully the attraction will return on his part.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Oosie123 said:


> Feel a little silly turning to the internet but I dont have anyone i can talk to without feeling like im betraying my husband. I also havent talked to him about this yet because im trying to figure out how to approach it. Im 32, he is turning 30 this year. We are going on 6 years together, 3 years of marriage. We both work full time, he mon-fri 8-5, me three 12 hour shifts a week and i often pick up an extra 8 hour shift a week. Needless to say our jobs are stressful. My husband enjoys MMO computer games, I know thats his hobby and it helps him destress. My long hours cause me to be tired by 10 or 11pm. I often go to bed alone while my husband plays video games on the computer next to our bed. I fall asleep trying to wait up thinking we will be having sex. Or ask him to wake me up when he comes to bed but sometimes i am so tired i dont even realize he is trying to wake me. This has been going on for months. Ive tried telling him im lonely and he tried to lessen his game playing but now im back in the situation where maybe we have sex once a week. Recently while looking for something under our bed , under his side i found a Fleshlight sex toy and a bottle of lube. I feel devasted. I dont want to confront him for fear of shaming him. I have a vibrator from before our relationship started and have maybe used it 3 times (alone) in the 5 years we have lived together. So for that fact i feel i shouldnt be mad but i feel upset he spent 80$ on this and the hiding fact hurts me (he knows i still own this toy). I lost 80lbs and i feel a bit self conscience of my saggy skin, not terrible but not pretty lol. Does he wish i looked like the porn star this fleshlight is made to be like? Do I no longer satisfy him? The nights i sit in bed alone waiting for him, is he just not in the mood because he used his toy recently? These are the thoughts i have. Ugh just dont know what to do or say to him. I dont want him to quit gaming all together. I just feel a little less important. I try to bring it up and he gets upset feels like hes stretched in so many directions between work and me and life and responsibilities. I dont think im needy i dont ask for much. We tend to cook dinner together and every once in a while go do something whether it be plans we made or a family party. But as soon as we get home its straight to the computer he goes.


Man this is so sad. So many guys would love their wife to say they were waiting for sex. He wants to **** a piece of plastic instead. I don't get these young guys, I really don't.

Go to the computer and pull the plug out of the monitor while he is playing. Then drop the flashlight on the floor and start crying. Don't attack him, just let him see how sad you are. If you are a good man it will break his heart. If not you are going to really have to rethink this.

Look I play games but really only when my wife is asleep. And we have spent a good deal of time together at that point. Sex is always a better choice them some colored pixels on a monitor. 

Maybe you both have to up your sex-game but at least you are willing to try. Dudes acting like a child.


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## snorkel (Apr 21, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Then drop the flashlight on the floor and start crying. Don't attack him, just let him see how sad you are. If you are a good man it will break his heart


You want her to guilt him into pity sex?

That won't work if anything he will withdraw even more. Even if he gives it to her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

snorkel said:


> You want her to guilt him into pity sex?
> 
> That won't work if anything he will withdraw even more. Even if he gives it to her.


I want her to be vulnerable to him yes. Nothing motivates a good man's heart like his wife's pain. It's in our nature to want to take care of them. Though maybe not so much this guy. My point is not even about sex it's about getting him to see what his actions are doing.

Yelling at him, or just confronting him and shaming him will probably harden his heart. Entreating your spouse is a better way to go lots of times, not "you are a jerk" but "you are hurting me, stop!" assuming you are not married to an *******. In this case this should not be a fight because there is nothing to fight about. Dude is just straight up wrong, she knows it and I bet he does too. She should skip the fighting step and operate out of the position that there is really no other point of view in this case. At least that is how I see it.

He many need counseling true, but he has to be motivated to seek counseling. She has been hiding her pain. But letting him see it might be that motivation.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Hardcore MMOs are a huge time sink (don't ask me how I know!). You could spend every waking moment on them, and there would still be something else to lure you into playing more.

Though if he can still hold down a job, at least he has some priorities straight. You just need to make sure he considers you one!

Here's a bit about MMOs that will help you understand what's going on with him, and think of things you can try to help him find balance.

MMOs are endless, by design. You can't easily say "okay, I'll play one game, and then stop." There's always twenty-seven more things to do when you finish one. They also lure you in. You think "hmm, I don't have anything planned for the evening. I'll log in and see what's going on."

MMOs are group-designed. You may want to play for only an hour, but if you spend 45 minutes setting up your group, and the quest they want to do takes two hours on average, well, there's your whole evening, especially if things go wrong. And if your group gels and things go well, there's a tendency to say "we rocked that, let's do another!"

MMOs can require coordination of dozens of people to accomplish ONE thing. You can't just say "I'm not participating tonight" or "I have to leave early" without disappointing dozens of people. Depending on your role, that may mean the other few dozen people can't accomplish the desired goal at all without you. It's hard for some people to say no under those circumstances.

If/when the big goal is accomplished, people may want to group up and go do something else afterwards while they are all gathered. There is lots of 'prep' type stuff that needs to be done (levelling up, getting gear, etc) in between the big events or you'll fail them. And even if you have it all done yourself, there are always buddies that need help.

If you are successfully logging off at the end of the night, people might say, "hey, let's get together and do X tomorrow!" and you agree to meet up again with them. Then, no matter what your spouse suggests doing, you feel like you already have a commitment.

MMOs encourage formation of regular groups, and often have voice channels for communication, which people use to chatter about game stuff and life stuff. You end up with a gang of people you come to consider friends. These are not strangers anymore, they are people you hang out with repeatedly and care about, even if you only know them online. So you don't want to let them down, especially if they helped you with something recently and the pull of reciprocity is happening.

MMOs require focus. Taking a break is not always possible, depending on what you are doing, or requires a lot of coordination. If you turn away at a key moment, yes, your character dies, or worse still, the other couple dozen people's characters die too and you fail at what you were trying to do and everyone is pissed off. Being interrupted is awful and frustrating, and you get mad at the cause of the interruption.

Lastly, though not related to MMOs, but to anything that puts lovers on different schedules, he may believe he is being loving, thoughtful and considerate by using the fleshlight instead of waking you up, and not realize you feel neglected at all.

So, as with ANY problem, communication is key. Tell him you are having trouble with your opposing work and gaming schedules, that you feel like he prioritizes his game over you. Ask him to brainstorm solutions with you to arrange more time to spend together. You might have much better luck getting him to choose one evening a week to not play at all than you would at having him log off early or spontaneously. Ask him to chart out his desired gaming calendar, and figure out when his playing is more essential due to other people, and when he could be more flexible with his absence. Or maybe you don't just make dinner together, but spend time together on some nights and he can log in after you go to bed.

A couple of other thoughts:

Don't have children till this is resolved. You may find yourself doing ALL the care.
Why is his computer in the bedroom? Maybe you would be less tired if you slept better without that happening right next to you.


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