# will I ever be able to move on and be happy again?



## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

I’m so thankful I found this forum. I have been dealing with these emotions on my own and have not spoken a word to anyone besides my obgyn when I went to get tested for STDs. 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. During that 4 years he has always had a drinking problem (typical) but it progressed to a real problem in 2016. He was basically a functioning alcoholic. Lots of minor vehicle accidents, issues with coworkers, irresponsibleness and just overall “bad luck” that he was causing himself because he was always drunk or tipsy. Our next door neighbor was an older (older than us) woman whom took to us pretty fast. She was in her mid 50s we are in our mid and late 20s. She adored our daughter and always volunteered to babysit and would buy her little toys or cute shirts and bows when she would come across them. My daughter was fond of her as well. I thought she was a bit off (too friendly) but I thought maybe it was me being too cautious. I later found out that she takes pills recreationally and is a alcoholic as well. My husband started drinking with her &her husband which I didn’t like but whatever,... ...never in my wildest dream did I think this woman would have a chance with my husband nor that she would do anything to harm me or my child that she claimed to love. Plus she was married as well although dysfunctional. 

Fast forward to mothers day 2017. She text me and told me that she can’t continue going on with the secret and told me she slept with my husband in November and dec 2016. She sent me text messages and screenshots of them on FaceTime together. She also told me about how it was in my bed the day I was out of town. Just all the evidence you would need. 

I was so stressed from this situation that I went into labor 5 days later.....early. Because of the confusion and hurt all I could do is put my energy into my newborn...I was devastated. In shock...pure disbelief that this man could actually do this. 

So the neighbor continued to call and text and fb message ME for months...calling me stupid for staying with him and everything else you can imagine. I know now that she has mental issues. She then started leaving notes on my husbands car telling him I don’t deserve him and he should leave me. She used a fake text messaging app to continue her harassment towards me. I finally put my foot down and threatened legal action and she has been gone every since. 

My husband in his own selfishness told me that he regrets everything and how it all transpired but he was glad that the secret was out and I know. He told me that they had sex three times. He said the first time he was so disgusted and ashamed with himself that he jumped up and told her to leave. He said the other two times he was pressured in order to keep the secret. He said at that point she was hurt and upset and said he treated her like a prostitute and she was going to tell me. He said that she held that day over his head and would threaten to tell me whenever he didn’t do what she wanted. I did not believe this until I read text messages between the two of them. 

Her husband left her soon after. I sat down with her husband to discuss and find out more information about the situation and he told me that he isn’t mad at my husband nor is he surprised at it happening because his wife has a history of this behavior. He said she lies and is extremely manipulative and she took advantage of a young dumb a$$ black kid. (His words) he also asked me if staying with someone who is capable of being manipulated something I can deal with. That question has weighed on my mind for almost a year now. 

Since Mother’s Day 2017 my husband has stopped drinking. He’s the perfect father and husband. He cleans, he cooks, he’s transparent, attentive, he doesn’t carry a cellphone unless at work which he keeps off until he calls me on his break, phone records since May 2017 only reflect calls to me and his siblings and parents, he talks openly and he leaves no room for doubt, I mean he’s exactly what any woman would want her husband to be. 

My problem is i see his effort and I know he’s sincere but I don’t know if that’s enough. He doesn’t want a divorce but I’m wondering when will I ever truly forgive what he did? I mean he cheated and then had sex with his pregnant wife. What if he had given US a STD? 

Mother’s Day is coming up so all these feelings are just spilling out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you had counselling? If not, I really think you should.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

an awful situation, no doubt.

you would be perfectly in the right if you chose to do so to leave his sorry self.
on the other hand, if you decide to stay seeing that he seems to be sorrowful and changing, that's up to you.
advice however, is seeing he is an alcoholic (i don't care that he hasn't drunk in a year), one of the stipulations should be that he joins
AA for life.

as to whether you will ever be happy again. quite possibly, hopefully so. if you leave him or he straightens out his sorry @ss for real, then I would say yes.


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## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Have you had counselling? If not, I really think you should.


I thought about it. In the beginning I thought this was his problem but seeing that I still have a emotional response a yr later I think I should think about it more.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If he’s been a good husband for a freaking year, he’s likely remorseful. Consider giving it a chance.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This sounds like a case for reconciliation to me. You seem to have all the elements in place for success. It will take time (years) for you to heal the bond. You will probably never fully trust him again, but personally I don't think you should ever fully trust anyone in your life (including your parents, spouse, and children). It's never a bad idea to spot check for integrity now and then, especially if your gut tells you to. Your life can literally depend on someone else's honesty. That can be shaky ground, and you might be the last to find out. 

I don't post a lot, but I've been around these forums for quite a while. There are definitely toxic people out there. They somehow get off on drama like this. One of them ruined a really good friendship for me last year.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AmeliaS said:


> I thought about it. In the beginning I thought this was his problem but seeing that I still have a emotional response a yr later I think I should think about it more.


From what I have heard, emotional response to this can last for years. 

The question is are you in love with your husband or not?

This is all up to you. I never push for R but this is a year later already. Your husband has actually changed his behavior completely it sounds like. You have gotten pass the hard part already. 

Your husband wasn’t caught with the affair going on still like so many. Your husband was honest and up front with you showing the messages between them. Most waywards are not like this, they continue to lie and trickle truth and show no real remorse. 

I think MattMatt is right about finding a counselor.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I agree with OnTheRocks. It does seem like reconciliation is a possibility. It is a tough but rewarding road. All the best.


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## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

NickyT said:


> I agree with OnTheRocks. It does seem like reconciliation is a possibility. It is a tough but rewarding road. All the best.


Thank you. Very tough road


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## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> If he’s been a good husband for a freaking year, he’s likely remorseful. Consider giving it a chance.


Yes, it’s been a year since I’ve found out and he is obviously remorseful. It still hurts though. I look at pictures of us around the time period that the cheating happened and it hurts that he was holding this secret from me. Not only have I considered giving it a chance, but I have been. I feel silly almost for these feelings but they are there and I’m trying to sort through them.


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## AmeliaS (Apr 29, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> an awful situation, no doubt.
> 
> you would be perfectly in the right if you chose to do so to leave his sorry self.
> on the other hand, if you decide to stay seeing that he seems to be sorrowful and changing, that's up to you.
> ...



Thank you. AA would probably still be a good idea


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So, yeah this is a bad one. 

Some people cannot deal with infidelity at all. Some can. So one question is, can you under any circumstances deal with it?

Now that your H has done this, the question is, can you ever trust him again? 

And while you are thinking about this, understand that there is nothing that says you have to make a decision about this right now. Take your time. 

Learn about this, watch his continued behavior. Then decide when you are ready...


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

AmeliaS

Been there with a Serial Cheater. Sorry, but you should know the truth. You will never trust him again. Time and tell will look great, but never let down your guard. Sorry, but that's the life of BS that decides to R with a Cheater. IT SUCKS PERIOD. KEEP telling yourself it can never happen again, right.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes you will be happy again. 

The question really is what will the quality of your life be if you stay with someone the way he treated you. 

What you need to be asking is, is it wise for you to be looking for happiness with someone like him, someone who has treated you the way he has? Is that even feasible? Is he an asset to provide that happiness or a sink hole that swallows it up? 100% you can be happy, but will it be with him?

Experience from reading on these board would say that it is easier and a faster path to happiness if you can detach emotionally from this man and move on. The thing that causes the pain is the love you have for him, once that is gone the pain goes away.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Yes you will be happy again.







Amelia,

I agree you will be happy again. 

My wife and I have been happily recovered 2 decades and we've been helping couples in real life recover their marriages following infidelity for nearly the same length of time. There is no actual or generally accepted "faster path to happiness". Infidelity doesn't have to define someone forever. There ARE a bunch of divorced persons and angry persons on infidelity forums that might try to sell you on this or that path being healthier or not but that's ultimately for you to decide. Here, you're already recovered for 1 year and obviously not anywhere close to throwing in the towel, detaching and moving on. You're simply triggering at the year anniversary, feeling a bit sorry for yourself and wondering:

1. Will it get better or might I always feel like this; and, 
2. Can I start to trust my husband who, objectively appears to be behaving well, but subjectively, I don't trust myself to believe it.


Yes, it will get better. You guys are so young and I'm glad everything I did in my 20's {before I was even married} doesn't and didn't define me as a person forever. Nor does my wife's affair years ago define who she is to me and our family today. Together, we've taken what satan meant for evil and made it good --- through God. 

The key is to stay focused TOGETHER on making your marriage great TOGETHER and avoiding the temptation to sweep it under the rug as an anomaly. Forgetting isn't the goal. Transformation is. Our Marriage ministry team uses a marital recovery program pretty much designed off the linked here marriage building recovery program with lots of added scripture - LINK HERE to "How To Survive infidelity" . Read it with your husband. It's the perfect program for men because it's action-orientated versus endless difficult emotional discussion and rehashing. It works by making today and your future great instead of trying to fix or explain yesterday. If your huaband loves, honors, and faithfully cherishes you and your family the 25-50 years, last years indiscretions won't be any part of his eulogy.

Your husband appears to have turned the corner but he's still young and still prone to making lots of big mistakes - as are you {and you are vulnerable too}. I want to encourage you to consider working a marital recovery program such as the link I provided to actually really begin to restore the love in your relationship, because, ultimately, that's the legacy you want to build and establish and pass on to your young children someday. 

I'm not saying you can't divorce him, but most don't and many go on to have happy successful marriages. Marriage is hard either way and now your is even harder - which is why, again, I urge you to work a program to get it right now while you both are so young.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Alcoholics Anonymous for your H and extensive psychological counseling for the lot of you, with absolutely no exceptions ~ greatly provided that there's even a snowballs chance in hell left of staying together simply because of the trust issue alone!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AmeliaS said:


> Thank you. Very tough road


It is a tough road, though one some of us here have been on.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I’m another one who reconciled. 

It’s a bit like falling in love the first time. There are lots of things that are the same for everyone about falling in love, but each person’s experience is a little bit different, because we are all individuals. So maybe you can get there, and maybe you can’t. 

Counselling might help you work through things, but ultimately it will be your decision. There’s a mental hurdle...would you find it easier to trust someone new, or someone you believe has made a mistake and learned from it?

Things I see going for you...1. Drink was a factor and something is being done about that. 2. It seems like your husband admitted what happened and provided supporting evidence. That lets you know what you have to work through.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

There's nothing lower than a man who cheats on his pregnant wife.

Ask yourself - if he HAD given you an STD and you'd passed it onto the baby, would you have *still* stayed with him?

I'm assuming the fact that he simply got lucky and didn't harm the baby is part of the reason you stayed. But that doesn't make his repulsive behavior in blatantly risking yours and your newborn child's health any *less* repulsive, no matter how much of a Super Husband he's suddenly become. It doesn't CHANGE what he did.


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