# seriously????? is this normal???



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

So, H has not initiated contact with me for several weeks. He's been out of the house since mid-October; D-day was just about a month ago. I instituted a complete 180 at that point, only getting in touch when it concerned the kids or finances.

This week, H has initiated contact each day since Monday. He asked me about our "babies", which was a term of endearment that we called the kids when we were together. I haven't used that term in weeks so that hurt. Then he gets in touch during the work day to ask about our son and a talent show that he MIGHT perform in. random. Today, he emailed to ask another non-urgent question about the kids. Again, he has not initiated contact with me in weeks. In fact, on his usual nights with the kids I have to email or text him to be sure that plans are still on and that he can pick them up from school/day care on time. He never even gave me that - the courtesy of confirming that the kids will be with him and okay. I always had to do it.

This week of small, but unusual contact has now got me thinking. Is this the "flip flop" or the "panic" that my IC said may happen? Is the fantasy starting to crumble?? Is he starting to see the reality of losing me and my love/friendship and the daily interaction of his family? I'm still doing my 180 because the detachment helps me to cope, but I come on this website and vent to my friends because I need to, I need the feedback, and I can't ever let him see me sweat. ...


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

Do NOT rush back to his arms.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

And yes - it's "normal".

What does the 180 say to do when this happens?

Please pause and think about this.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh absolutely! Pause, breathe and let it ride. The 180 is for me, not some ploy to try to get him back. It helps to keep the detachment and it's a way maintain healing space. To the outside world, this is probably pretty subtle, but it's a big change in my eyes. Of course, he has to live with the consequences and when I told him he would realize what it's like to lose his family, I was not kidding. He has to see it and I have to get stronger. Thanks for the reply!!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Have you point blank told him that you would prefer to have no contact and when you must, only about the children? 

I ask because, if you HAVE said that, then I would re-iterate your terms (for example: "I asked that you respect my wishes for no contact until you're ready to end your affair and give me 100% of your affection and loyalty. Are you ready to do that?") That way if he is...you can decide if you want to repair/rebuild. 

If you HAVE NOT said that...you may want to say it just that plain. "Your adultery has been so painful for me that I ask you to respect my wishes and have no contact with me until you're ready to end your affair. When you're ready to honor your promise to me and give me 100% of your affection and loyalty--feel free to contact me. Until then, please--emergencies about the children only." 

Making a statement like this makes it clear what you will and will not accept...what you do and do not want. Right now, if you have not made a statement like that, he's sort of dipping his toe in to see if he can get some of his needs met by you...even if it's the need to blame you for why he's not happy and life with the OW isn't bliss!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I did tell him that I did not want any contact unless it was necessary and about the kids or finances. I told him that my heart was broken, that I took responsibility for some things in the marriage that made him/us unhappy, but that I wished with all my soul that he would have talked to me about it so I could have had a chance to fix it rather than choosing to step outside the marriage. My problem now is that he actually is contacting me about the kids - each one of the contacts has been kid related. Just not urgent issues, but definitely about the children. So, it's a fine line that I don't know how to walk - the D papers have not yet been filed and there is a concern that if I tell him that he can't contact me about the kids I could be seen as that bitter mother who is somehow restricting access to them. That's the only part that leaves me wondering. In any event, I have responded to his contacts with very curt, but polite answers.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ah--but the fine line is that the disloyals will use the "for the children" as an excuse to get their own needs met! For example, Dear Hubby's ex once asked if he would come over to her house and mow her yard "because the kids need a yard to play in."  

FOG-BABBLE RESPONSE: Yes they do, and here at our marital home I do provide them with a mowed yard at their home. When you chose the affair over your family, you also got the responsibility for upkeep at your place. So no I will not mow your yard--please ask OM/OW to do that for you. 

Most of the stuff he is contacting you about is easily something he could find out by contacting the school, a teacher, etc. So when he calls about these things here are some ways you can reply:

"The weather is snowy and roads are slick. Are 'the babies' okay?" 
"I asked for no contact until you were willing to give up your affair. Is that why you're calling? No? Oh okay. If you gave up your affair you'd be with 'the babies' and you'd know how we are. Thanks, bye!" CLICK

"Is <Bobby> going to be in that talent show? What time does it start?"
"I asked for no contact until you were willing to give up your affair. Is that why you're calling? No? Oh okay. You can contact his teacher for that information--here's her number: 555-1212. Bye!" CLICK

"Does <Susie> (insert inane child question here)? I forget."
"I asked for no contact until you were willing to give up your affair. Is that why you're calling? No? I suggest you develop a relationship with Susie and ask her yourself. Bye!" CLICK

See the pattern? Always, ALWAYS, *ALWAYS *say the part about asking for no contact until he's were willing to give up the affair and ask if that's why he's calling. If it's not, then give him the resource to find out for himself...without you. The idea is to a) give him the chance to contact you if he IS willing to end his affair and b) to demonstrate that if he divorces you, he loses all the benefits of you including what you know! He will have to make the effort to be in touch with teachers and know schedules and such, and will no longer be able to rely on you for that!


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