# Cyber fling..a guy thing?



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I am still deeply in love with my hubby. We have been together for 7 years now and I know he loves me, but I am confused.
About 9 months ago we were in a rut in our marriage. He started playing an online game. I didn't think much of it at the time. It got to a point where he was playing just about every free minute he had.
8 months ago I was cleaning up the computer files and I found naked pics that a gal called "tink" (one of his gaming buddies he'd mentioned before) had emailed him. I was completely devastated. I dug a little deeper on the computer and found an email reply he'd written her saying how he'd enjoyed the pics etc...
I confronted him and he said he knew it was wrong,that it was nothing, just a guy thing. He said he had planned on telling her that they couldn't do this type of thing and just wanted to be friends with her. I was upset, he was defensive, he left.
I got on the computer and confronted "tink". She, too, said she was sorry. That they had never done anything and that she'd been drinking and sent the pics. I told her that this may have destroyed my family. She said she was sorry again and pleaded with me to forgive her and said she wanted to be friends with me too. 
After hubby and I separating for about a week, we decided to work things out. He talked me into playing the online game too. The "tink" gal acted like she was my best buddy, but I still had trust issues. My hubby knows I was very hurt by what had happened, but he still believes that there is nothing wrong with online "flirting". He looks at it like it is just something amusing.
A month later, I went on a trip with my kids to California and I belive that he and "tink" had cyber and phone sex while I was gone. A long phone call to her phone number ended up on the phone bill. I never told him that I knew about the phone call.
In a couple of months "tink" is coming to my state and wants to meet us. I must say I am not terribly thrilled about this. I'm worried she is going to try to get some alone time with my hubby. I don't think he'd cheat on me but I'm still worried about it. I worry that even if I tell him I don't want us to meet her, that she will try to sneak to town and meet him.
How do I handle this?


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

If you ask me.. Cybering, phone sex and sending nude photos over the internet, as well as having an emotional attatchment to someone over the internet IS CHEATING! He's already done it to you doll. I would not let this woman come near you or your family in this situation. Tell hubby to end it with her.. stop talking to her.. stop the internet gaming for awhile and spend time with YOU. You are worth at least that much... and you know it.

Best of luck
SB


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

every fling has a guy and a girl (excepting gay flings) so it can't possibly be a guy thing. it's a people thing.

that woman is coming to town to meet with your husband.this is a very dangerous situation for your family.

i can't imagine your husband is so obtuse as to not see how this affects you. i wouldn't be surprised though if he were too immature to care how it affects you. deep down he knows what he's doing is wrong.

unfortunately, oftentimes online affairs are fueled by an addiction to the online experience as well which makes the situation more intractable.

again unfortunately, i think your husband's world has to come crashing down on him before he'll be motivated to change.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Ask him about the phone bill. See how he handles the question. That will tell you loads.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Thanks for the advice so far. The phone bill is from 8 months ago, so I just don't see how I can bring that up. 

Good news is, he doesn't have an online addiction. He has hardly played the online game recently and doesn't have any IM'ing programs (yahoo, msn,etc...).

I honestly believe he sees this potential visit as harmless. I however, see it differently. Why rent a car, drive over 2 hours and get a motel room for a night to meet people from an online game? I only see one reason for that and I don't think that reason includes me.

I do think I will approach the subject of quitting this online game and see where that leaves.

Any other advice?


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

It sounds like a emotional affair almost... he's getting pictures of her and he talked to her on the phone, both things that you have every right to be upset over. It seems like he doesn't understand why and I have no idea how you could get that through his head, but I agree with you being upset and it's a video game...why would she want to meet you guys... that's weird. He was defensive because he knew he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing and it sounds like he's trying to talk you into thinking that because it didn't happen for a long period of time until he got caught that it isn't a big deal, but it's a big deal if it bothers you and he needs to realize that.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

i still say.. DO NOT meet this woman..

bad

bad

bad news...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

SB, 

I agree with you wholeheartedly that even if it's online, it's cheating. My hubby knows that is how I feel about it, too.

I also agree that we should not meet this woman. My problem is that even if I talk to my hubby and we agree that it would be a mistake to meet her...that she will still try to meet with him. I have reason to believe she still have a "thing" for him even though she has moved on to another cyberfling with a married guy.

I have caught PM's from her on the game asking him if he's alone. I know he avoids her to a point, but he doesn't necessarily tell her to leave him alone. I think he likes the attention and that's it, but I think she believes there is more to it.

Am I being an idiot?


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

she wont be able to still try to meet him if he can't play his game no more.. take it away!! lol

Tell him under no circumstances are you EVER going to be ok with meeting this women.. Tell him you don't want him to converse with her ANYMORE.. tell him to spend time with you and not his game!! 

No your not being an idiot.. just don't let him take you for granted!!


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

He needs to be the one to end this- it isn't your job to nicely tell this lady that it's not going to happen. HE is the one who started this and he needs to fix it and not bring people from a game into your marriage. She sounds like a piece of work... she needs to find a single man and stop chasing married men on a video game. Your H needs to stop playing that game or get a new "name" so she can't find him... he's letting this continue and he's trying to put blame on her, but he has contol of this situation too.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> He needs to be the one to end this- it isn't your job to nicely tell this lady that it's not going to happen. HE is the one who started this and he needs to fix it and not bring people from a game into your marriage. She sounds like a piece of work... she needs to find a single man and stop chasing married men on a video game. Your H needs to stop playing that game or get a new "name" so she can't find him... he's letting this continue and he's trying to put blame on her, but he has contol of this situation too.


:iagree:


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I'm thinking she must have really low self esteem and not a whole lot or morals. I wish she'd focus on her own husband and children instead of online flings. 

I wonder what her hubby would think if he saw that email she sent mine...........

I know, I know...don't do it, but is it wrong to think it? lol


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ah, forward the email to her hubby. And then LEAVE HER THE HECK AOLNE! Do not meet her for anything. Close off that part of your lives.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have a lot of first hand experience with online affairs and flirting. Although I read about this all the time, it never ceases to amaze me how clueless the victims are. You are encouraging your husband to cheat and defending his online addiction. Connecting to online women who wants to meet in a hotel room is not innocent. If you do not want to salvage your marriage, then leave your husband. Don't just sit there and let your husband lie and cheat in front of you. If you don't love your husband enough, at least cut off ties so this other woman can have one less guy to cheat with. Do you think her husband and kids are overjoyed that she flirts and sends nude photos? There are too many hurt people already involved, be the strong person and make sure your husband is not part of the mess. Cancel internet access and his cell phones privileges if you have to. I personally think online gaming has no value whatsoever. Get help for his addiction and marriage counseling asap.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Naked pics is not a fling nor flirting, IMHO.

I agree with Breathless

""If you ask me.. Cybering, phone sex and sending nude photos over the internet, as well as having an emotional attatchment to someone over the internet IS CHEATING""""

Your Hubby needs to end it.... He needs to say Ciao to her..


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I guess if that's just a guy thing and it was just something she did that didn't mean anything... I suppose you should go ahead and send nude pics of yourself to her husband- I mean, why not... it's just something people do... it's only fair- JUST KIDDING...please don't, but you know if you did that they would freak out, but that's what they are doing to you and her husband. If it were me, I'd probably tell her husband... maybe that would help her not want to be bestest friends with you anymore. I really think your husband needs to end this-it's not your responsibility... you guys need to be spending time together working on your marriage and not on a game where he thinks it's ok to flirt.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I'm going to talk to hubby this weekend about not meeting with this gal, and giving up the game.

I still have a couple questions...

How to approach this correctly, without him getting defensive.

What should I do if she won't back off and comes to town anyway and tries to sneak a visit with hubby?

Any ideas?


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

If he's being defensive it's probably because he knows deep down that what he's doing isn't right and he doesn't want to admit that. Would he be cool with you sending naked pics to another guy? What if you met some guy on here that's going through a tough time and you guys have really hit it off and he'd like to meet you... I doubt that would be ok with him. If he does sneak off and meet her because "she" had to see him... then he's CHEATING on you... whether they do anything or not... he's meeting another woman behind your back... and if she sneaks to see him... he'd have to be ok with that so it's still him doing something very wrong.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Make an appointment for the both of you to see a marriage counselor and pose the question of appropriateness to the counselor in your husband's presence. Get your husband to agree to the path of action the MC recommends regarding such things.

Oh, and you have to draw that line in the sand. Either he goes with you to MC or you part. Mean it.

If he cares for you he will blink and do it. If he does not, then you know where you stand with him.


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