# I cheated before marriage



## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

Hi. I cheated on my wife several times while in college before we were married. I never told her. We were off and on through college but mostly on. We dated through high school and went to seperate colleges, 3 hours apart. I had no idea then the impact and had i justbeen honest with her then, broke things off... Ah, i was so selfish, i didnt wnt to lose her. Now we've been married 12 years and 3 years ago I told her. We have 3 beautiful children together. I love her more than anything and I have been faithful throughout our marriage (which has been very easy for me). After i told her, we spent the better part of a year in MC. Fast forward, we are still together but its not great. My wife is still very angry and im sure would be gone if not for kids. Not sure why Im here or what im trying to get from this post but.... Well fire away, i deserve it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Not going to fire at you. Telling her was the right thing to do.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Buy Surviving An Affair by dr Harley. Then both read it together.


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## TexasGurl (Jul 25, 2012)

Telling her was the best thing to go, but it was before you got married so, and since you say you have been completely faithful during your marriage, I wonder why she is so mad. I can understand the hurt she must feel, and maybe she thinks you didn't really want to get married. Maybe you didn't, but you did, so continue to work in your marriage and hopefully things will work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HereWithoutYou (Jul 26, 2012)

I have a feeling she's also upset about how long it took you to tell her.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

HereWithoutYou said:


> I have a feeling she's also upset about how long it took you to tell her.


And telling her pre marriage would have given her an easier decision. It's so much more difficult for her now.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she angry that you didn't tell her earlier OR that you told her at all?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Is she angry that you didn't tell her earlier OR that you told her at all?


Probably both, at times. And angry that he cheated in the first place.

OP, what prompted you to tell her, after all those years?


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## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

She is angy that I took away her choice by not telling her before marriage. She is also angy that I told her after 9 years and 3 kids...I trapped her. She wishes I would have just lived with the guilt and not put it on her.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Lovegone said:


> She is angy that I took away her choice by not telling her before marriage. She is also angy that I told her after 9 years and 3 kids...I trapped her. She wishes I would have just lived with the guilt and not put it on her.


Why did you tell her 9 years and 3 kids later? What compelled you to do it?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lovegone said:


> Hi. I cheated on my wife several times while in college before we were married. I never told her. We were off and on through college but mostly on. We dated through high school and went to seperate colleges, 3 hours apart. I had no idea then the impact and had i justbeen honest with her then, broke things off... Ah, i was so selfish, i didnt wnt to lose her. Now we've been married 12 years and 3 years ago I told her. We have 3 beautiful children together. I love her more than anything and I have been faithful throughout our marriage (which has been very easy for me). After i told her, we spent the better part of a year in MC. Fast forward, we are still together but its not great. My wife is still very angry and im sure would be gone if not for kids. Not sure why Im here or what im trying to get from this post but.... Well fire away, i deserve it.


If your relationship with your wife was off at the time you had the relationships, I am not quite sure it is cheating 

If she thought you two were on and were being exclusive, then it was cheating. 

I think it is important to know what prompted you to tell her. 

Were you angry at her for something and wanted to hurt her. 

Some people cheat to show the spouse that they are expendable because they feel the spouse does not respect them enough or treat them the way they wish to be treated. 

Instead of seeking counseling or simply communicating their needs, they act out by having an affair. 

We need more infer to answer correctly


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

HereWithoutYou said:


> I have a feeling she's also upset about how long it took you to tell her.












This...plus the news of being cheated on is hard to hear amytime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

Sorry, trying not to write a book but still get the facts out. So, it was no doubt cheating when we were in college. We both new we were exclusive. I hate saying this because it is not meant as an excuse, I WAS wrong. But, when we were in school I was not sure what I wanted, I thought I loved her but I know now that I couldnt have done what I did if I truly loved her. I was confused and didnt understand when I would drive 3 hours to visit and she would respond very cold. I would try to hug and kiss her and she would say I feel like I dont know you. I has never been real comfortable with intimacy, I would leave frustrated but still wanting to be with her... Back at school I was having college fun and had girls around me that were more interested in me than my own girlfriend (she didnt have a very fair playing field, i know). But, I justified my actions by saying to myself that I wanted to be sure that she was the one. She broke up with me a few times to to date other guys but never cheated on me. We were broke up through spring semester of senior year and I thought it was over. During that time she called me and heard that i had cheated on her throughout college, even after being broke up, i couldnt tell her. After college she came back to me and then she went to grad school, again far away. I knew then that i wanted to be with her forever and it was time to grow up. I went to work and although had plenty of opportunity i stayed true to her. A year or so later I proposed and I never looked back. I locked away my secrets never to be revealed. So, why did I tell her.? While she was pregnant with our third child she saw porn sites in my browsing history and confronted me. I had received a link to a site in an email from a friend and i checked out several videos. I have never spent time on porn sites but i do get the occasional powerpoint email of naked girls from friends or whatever. I showed my wife the email and how i followed the link to the free clips. I think she was satisfied that i wasnt some kind of porn junky or something. But, she looked into my eyes and said i know there are things you havent told me about your past and i want you to know you can tell me, i can handle it. I couldnt stand the guilt... For 3 or 4 days i wresteled with it and then told her. Her first reaction was rage and said I will never, ever forgive you. She tried to et me to leave but i never would... Slept in the basement gave her space but would never leave. One of the biggest problems is that in her mind our entire relationship is based on a lie... I understand that. Most counseling and books talk about trying to get back to how it was before problems started. In our case it was before that is the problem.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Well, i also learned about my wife's first (self assessed) affair 20 years later. I didn't know, so I managed to marry her under the presumption of monogamy.

Turns out it was onesided. I have this strong feeling of deceit, going beyond the feeling of betrayal in general that comes with infidelity. Had I known (especially that it would continue), I wouldn't have married her and we would certainly not have had kids as a couple.

It's hard to explain, but some sense of false premisses and tricked into something you wouldn't have wanted, had you known.

Maybe your wife gets this feeling as well. Makes sense?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I couldnt stand the guilt... For 3 or 4 days i wresteled with it and then told her.


That was, i think, a bit selfish on your part. You carried the guilt of your wrongdoings all these years and then, after all this time and kids in the picture you tell her to relieve yourself of that burden. 

The correct thing would have been to tell her back then when she could make a decision. Right now what purpose did this confession do other than hurt your wife beyond belief and possibly ruin the marriage? I'm feeling there were two wrongs done here, both by you. This is one of those cases where a confession is just a way for the one in the wrong can ease his mind. 

You got your act together now and you are being true to your woman right? 

She will need time to heal and you better be willing to give her the world if she asks.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

There are things that are better left unsaid. That was one IMO.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

No no no no stop it is a good thing that he told her. Imagine if she found this out on her own. Imagine how much more pissed and upset she would be. 
You just better be ready for the fallout and if necessary go somewhere else. See if she wants to separate long enough to figure this out. I think your best bet is to offer her that chance to walk away now. Give her complete freedom to walk away with no strings. If you have been loyal since your marriage started, she will calm down and file this under stupid **** my husband did. 
Give her what she wants 9 years is a long time and I doubt she will throw this all away for something stupid you did. 
Don't give her the option to cheat. Just give her a way out so she doesn't feel so trapped and most likely she will get over this. 
The words "can't you get over this" should not ever be something you say to her. That is a baaaaad idea since you were faithful and now she has to question the last 9 years of her life. 
You did the right thing just be prepared for the fall out. Give her time, don't be a door mat but show her your remorse, and for god's sake don't ever cheat or have an EA. Cause your one and only option for R (past loyalty) just got shot to hell.


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## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

I appreciate you pointing out the obvious and Im pretty sure you can tell by my post that Im not putting any blame on anyone but me... Nor do I want sympathy. Ive been true to her for 12 years of marriage. I lied back then and then lied some more to cover that up, 12 years later im looking into my wifes eyes and she is begging me for the truth... I couldnt keep going, right or wrong, I did the best I could at the time. Of course I know what Ive done, i carry it every day.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

it was before you were married ? on again off again?

sounds like a moutian out of a mole hill to me!


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

badbane said:


> No no no no stop it is a good thing that he told her.
> .


Have to agree. She has a right to know, and make her decision. Where's the love and respect if it's buried. I think they call it RUGSWEEPING!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> it was before you were married ? on again off again?
> 
> sounds like a moutian out of a mole hill to me!


that's what I'm thinking. the only reason I might think of to tell her is if one of these women you were dating during your down time with your future wife has resurfaced and appears as if she might be a loose cannon. but you didn't say that.


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## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovegone (Jul 26, 2012)

Thank you all for tor input. I've never posted on any type of forum before. I also want to apologize cause I don't know what I'm doing it looks like I'm responding to a post just in front of mine, when in fact I was trying to reply to a post 2 or 3 before. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Lovegone said:


> ... But, she looked into my eyes and said i know there are things you havent told me about your past and i want you to know you can tell me, i can handle it...


You did as she asked, so she needs to be an adult about it now. If its a deal breaker for her, she needs to dump you. If not, MC, and put it behind you where it belongs.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I went through something very similar as the OP, only I was the BS. I found out two years after we got married that my W cheated on me while we were engaged.

Firstly, IMO it is utterly offensive to suggest that he shouldn't have told. *Spouses always deserve to know the truth.* I truly don't understand how anyone could feel otherwise, but whatever.

OP, my experience has caused several sweeping generalizations for me. As you and others have already stated, lying about pre-marriage infidelity means that your spouse married you under false pretenses. Your spouse entered into a binding agreement without full disclosure from you. She may look at your marriage now and wonder if she'd have made the same decision knowing what she knows now. I can say I likely would not have married my wife if I'd known, or at least I'd have put the wedding off for quite a while.

Another big thing was wondering what else was lied about. You say you've been faithful in your marriage, and I believe you, but she may not. Even if she does, it will be hard for her to look back at all of those wonderful memories you guys have shared without a pang of wondering. Those memories may be tainted to her for a while, because they were built on a false premise.

She's also going through her mind and questioning every single time you've ever been out late, worked late, or anything else where you could have potentially been meeting up with a lover. That comes with the territory, I'm afraid.

We don't have kids and we've only been married three years, so we don't have nearly the foundation of memories and experiences you guys have. As such, it hasn't really taken me as long to process all this as your wife. Your wife has a lot to work through. In the meantime, the best you can do is be honest, open, and transparent with her. 

I know sometimes when I have bad days, I don't want to talk about it bc I feel like it's been talked out to death. I'll carry around resentment for a few days until I finally bring it up to my W. We'll talk it out and I feel immediately better.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree telling was the best thing - I imagine those 9 years of living with this in your mind was contaminating every thought - as you were on the altar it was probably on your mind if you could remain faithful or if you were worthy, and so the guilt has occupied a large part of your conscious, coming to the surface during every intimate moment, every family event, displacing the mental room for enjoying the moments that are important.

I'd think you probably told because you wanted to be a better man, put this behind you so you could focus on the present and ultimately work at being a better husband and father.

Cheating is the most painful thing to do to a spouse, however it's themself that the disloyal one is actually cheating on - you cheated yourself out of a shot at real love. Trying to get past that for yourself is more important than holding onto a fraudulent relationship - it was selfishness that got you here and ironically its also only selfishness that is going to get you over it, and you are realizing now it may cost you the biggest price.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I think you are both overexaggerating. 

Many on this board have had experiences with infidelity and are angry about it and bitter. But cheating on a spouse, long-term partner or anyone else as an adult is very different than cheating on a high-school sweatheart during a long-distance relationship while in college.

College is an unnatural breeding ground. Relationships between young people who have not had any serious time to learn what a relationship means and what being together means, let alone to understand their emotions and how they react to different situations. In college, people are by definition immature. No one is born mature, we grow into it. We grow into being good partners, good husbands, good fathers. You would never do now what you did then, not just because of lack of opportunity, but because you are a different person - more mature, more experienced, understanding of what love is. She broke up with you to see other people - what does that say about her "commitment" to the relationship. She just handled it in a more mature manner. She was not sure she prefered you to them, and thought she preferred them enough to break up with you.

You had a long distance relationship in college. So what if you were still growing as a person. So was she. You were immature. You matured. You chose her. You proposed, committed yourself, and presumably have behaved as a good husband and father. 

What is she saying about her lack of choice - she chose you because she felt bad you didn't cheat? Or, if she had known you cheated she wouldn't have said yes. 

She has a reason to be angry- but not 3 years angry. Sounds like she is projecting her other resentments and frustrations into one argument that she cannot be wrong about. How long can you live with the sword of Damacles hanging over your head?


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Lovegone said:


> She wishes I would have just lived with the guilt and not put it on her.


I don't know L. You hear a lot on this site about, "telling them is the right thing to do". I don't think this is always the case. It seems to you that you confessed primarily to assuage your own conscience and hurt your wife in the process. Other than relieving your own guilt and letting her forever know she got short changed in her trust for you, tell me how this improved your marriage, you, her or the world?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> It seems to you that you confessed primarily to assuage your own conscience and hurt your wife in the process. Other than relieving your own guilt and letting her forever know she got short changed in her trust for you, tell me how this improved your marriage, you, her or the world?


 Secrets kill the intimathy, slowly. Guilty feelings prevent many from being yourself, to give your self enterely, to let your betrayed in, to accept her love without feeling like pretending. It requires more and more energy to keep the facade of "all is fine" without feeling like a puppet master.

There're people capable of compartimentalize this, bury it in some dark place in the minds and move on. Are they strong? Others can't. Can we really say they are weak for not being able to do so? Selfish? I don't know.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I don't know L. You hear a lot on this site about, "telling them is the right thing to do". I don't think this is always the case. It seems to you that you confessed primarily to assuage your own conscience and hurt your wife in the process. Other than relieving your own guilt and letting her forever know she got short changed in her trust for you, tell me how this improved your marriage, you, her or the world?


I can follow you, but I would still prefer not to live my life on a lie, pretending my spouse and marriage is something different than it is in reality. 

Speaking as a BS, I have gone through tremendous pain, but not once have I wished not to know.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

What I'm saying for this boys situation, is that his wife was not exactly a betrayed spouse. He said during college they were on again, off again. If they were engaged, that may be different. You wouldn't expect your future husband to be going around banging other chicks.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I used to think it wouldn't matter as much if someone cheated while dating versus while married. Now that I'm a BS, I'm not so sure. The thing about finding out your partner cheated is that you no longer have the same perception of them. If the OP's wife thought she married someone who loved her so much he would never stray, even while they were dating, she was probably shattered to realize her perception of their relationship was wrong. Not only is it a blow to the ego, but it makes you question your judgement and you feel the fool.

When my H confessed details about his EA/PA, he even finally confessed kissing another woman while away for school while we were dating exclusivly 20 years ago. It didn't hurt as much as d-day, but only because my perception of my H was already altered, this was only another yuck to throw on the pile. Having your reality altered, no matter when it occurred, is one of the hardest things from which to recover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

What exactly is she supposed to do about your infidelity 9 years and 3 kids later? 

Nothing, absolutely nothing except feel angry and not be able to do anything about it. 

This is very bad thing you've done to her.

What you did was selfish and purely for your benefit so you could relieve some of your guilt. Not only did you rob her of the choice of her future but you also robbed her of her peace of mind 9 years later so you could have a little for yourself.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sorry Dude,

Your wife is just now coming up to speed on your past. It doesn't matter if its 10 minutes or 10 years. However...

Yes you screwed up. But... YOU WERE NOT MARRIED! As a betrayed married spouse there is a HUGE difference. You state that you have been faithful since marriage. Your WIFE should understand that this is most important. 

May catch a lot a flake here, (hey I'm a betrayed spouse), but she had an option to ask long before you signed the license. When you sign the paper, take the vows, you take all the past and deal with it. Otherwise, DON'T.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

RWB said:


> May catch a lot a flake here, (hey I'm a betrayed spouse), but she had an option to ask long before you signed the license. When you sign the paper, take the vows, you take all the past and deal with it. Otherwise, DON'T.


I agree with you, except for the case when you have deliberately withhold information - OP did that. This is significant info you should tell - otherwise it's a lie by omission.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shame on you for withholding the truth.

And she obviously cannot deal with the truth even though she said she could.

My advice. 

Write the best damn love letter of your life.

Tell her how those past experiences shaped your heart where you knew she was the one. And that you have never looked back.

Tell her how sorry you are for being selfish with the truth and how sad you feel for hurting her by causing her to look at the past and her decision to marry you.

And ask her to look forward to life and love with you.

Start writing like your marriage depends on it, because it does.

You just screwed over your best friends 12 years ago and and just now realized it!!!!

HM64


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

I hope things get better. It takes a while for that trust to rebuild.

Good luck and I wish you the best.


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## LSchultz (Sep 23, 2016)

I was put in the same shoes your wife is in now. its completely hurtful. Just imagine the shoes on the other foot. My husband finally told me about it after 7 years because he loved me and wanted to get it off his chest. The crazy thing is, i had always questioned him about this particular person and he had always been so adamant nothing happened and would get angry and made me question myself. I thought I was the crazy psychotic girlfriend-well thank you for getting it off your chest, but now the burden is on me. Its cast a dark shadow over our marriage and completely tainted it. We have two kids now, do i divorce him and break up my family over this? How can i do that to my children. It would feel completely selfish to do that, so again the burden is off of you, but now has been transferred over to her.

Maybe your wife didn't want to grow old having a spouse who had cheated. Maybe she didn't want to be one of the statistics. And she just has to get over it.


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