# Why do I stay?



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I must be crazy or stupid. I'm going with stupid. I am so obviously stupid. My Hubby does what he does, treats me like ****, makes me feel like his child or even worse, his dog. And I am so damn stupid, I am going to stay. I am willing to stay here with him. I know this will not last, I know it is temporary. He can't be normal but for so long and we are going to be right back where we are right now. He seems to have changed since the last conversation I had with him. The one where I told him I was ready to leave and he didn't respond and acted as if he didn't hear me. He has been so nice since then. Buying things for the house, talking about the future, just acting like a person who loves his wife should. It is so confusing. I am actually thinking about staying. I know that the man has money he is not telling me about, and is lying to me about how much money he has. He can purchase things, we have the money for that, but he forgets it is halloween and won't buy the kids costumes, we need repairs on things at home and he says well We just don't have the money. We have it saved, we just won't be able to do X,Y,& Z because of this. He makes me feel bad. He makes me feel bad about every purchase that is made because "We don;t have the money" But WE DO, WE DOOO. I found a stack of money he was hanging on to, and he doesn't know I found it. (It is from side work, not selling drugs or doing anything illegal) Am willing to live with someone who would lie like that??? What is wrong with me??? I don't dare confront him on that. I knew we had some $ saved but the the amount I found is not what I was expecting. But that is beside the point. It never was mine, it will not be mine and it is for the future of our family in the event that my H gets hurt at work or something catastrophic happens. I agree with a nest egg for the future, but not if we are starving now and have unmet needs now. Am I willing to live some one who would lie to me like that? What in the world is wrong with me? Why would I think this is ok, or ACT like this is ok? 

Now I feel ever worse because I have gone as far as I can in getting things organized and prepared for divorce. I have done everyting minus walking out the door. I have talked to lawyers, I have gathered all the info I need and it is me that is stopping me. I hate me for it. I feel like scum, like dirt. I am so stupid. I have let me down, I have let my kids down, I have let the T down(most likely, because she helped me reach this point and now I am doing a 180) I have let down the few people I have told. Now they know what a spineless loser I am. I don't want to go to T next week. I don't don;t want to think, I don't want to feel, I know what I feel will be self hatred. (unless my T can stop that thought process) 

Now my H is pushing again"Why won't you get close to me" , "When are you going to warm up to me", "Why can't we do it" , "If I am doing things right when are you gonna start acting like a wife, we should be having sex"? I have never been so repulsed by his touch then I am right now. What in the world is wrong with me. Do I want to behave like I am married or not. I know I don't want to let him in and be hurt again. If I can't let him in how long do I expect him to hang on. IDK. I am very torn and very stressed, and very disappointed in ME. I hate this part of me. I am so darn avoidant when it comes to conflicts. I just want to scream, or cry, or melt, or disappear, or have the balls and go ahead with my original plan and leave despite feeling torn. I just don't know that I want and it is killing me. I need to go to T, but I don't feel like I can handle that truth, I can't handle any further blame and bring made to feel any worse then I already do. (that might not even be what will happen, but I feel like I can't risk it mentally) 

I just don't know what to do, what to say how to feel, how to cope, and I need to tell someone. I feel like talking here is a fair and honest place to vent. 

*****I just beg you please don't harshly judge. I sure don't need to feel worse or have any additional judgements passed down on me or down my way. PLEASE****

Sorry to bother yall.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Explain to him that relationships are not like light switches.
He has not been contributing to your love account and it's going to take some effort to get back in the black.

Do you have access to a psychologist? Therapist? 
Sounds like you need to address some long standing issues.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

SamuraiJack - You are so right. That is not just switch you can flip kind of thing. I do have a T actually. I do have some issues. I have a history of past child sexual abuse and rape as as teen. I have huge issues with touch and doing something I don't want to with someone I am not fond of. My H treats me like a child, and having sex with him is like a child having sex with with there father.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BM, deep down to don't want to leave. Thats why you make excuses. It's not a judgement, a lot of people do this, but you need to think long and hard about why. Maybe you're afraid to be on your own, maybe the devil you know is less scary than the devil you don't, I don't know. But you're getting something out of this and you need to figure out what. 

And why would you think he would take anything you threaten seriously? If you were him would you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are not leaving becaseu you are still scared of that HUGE change. Very human. Many people stay in bad relationships for this and only reason. But your situation is worse than others, and you need to keep on figuring out your next move. Maybe you are not ready yet, maybe you need few more months, maybe his another anger outburst, who knows what will be the final drop?

REad my signature.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

BM,

I'm with you on this. 

You entered your marriage with needs that your ASD spouse is incapable of filling. Don't get mad at him about this. Accept this as fact and do something about it.

If you divorce, your needs will still be there. Get cracking on filling your own needs...whether within or without your marriage. Don't look to him to fill your needs for you.

I know what you are going through. I believe in you. --BT


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