# Need advice about my parents relationship & possible conselling...



## blazzerm (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi

I am 24 years old male with an older brother and younger sister. We all live with our parents but their relationship is really quite bad. They hardly talk with each other and often when they do talk it often results in an argument.

It seems they resent each other’s personality traits more and more each week. The problem has been going on for a few years but has grown really a lot worse in the last 12 months.

There is never violence and rarely there is a full blooded argument but they clearly do not get on with each other and I feel that counselling may help them to improve their relationship.

I do not think they are likely to get a divorce but it has quite clearly become an unhappy marriage. 

How can I suggest counselling to them in a way that will not cause further harm to their relationship? Should I even be doing this?

The reason I want to step in is that they do not seem to want to discuss it themselves and their is rsentment building up with each other.

They vent to myself and my brother & sister about each other which is unhelpful and just keeps things bottled up.

Could you also let me know if you think counselling acts as a catalyst for divorce? I would not want to ever suggest counselling to my parents if it could increase the chances of a divorce. Unless in the long-term it improved both their happiness.

I am not sure if they have discussed their problems with one another but the problems are clear to see for myself and my siblings.

I hope you can provide some advice.

Regards


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sometimes counseling can act as a catalyst for divorce, but only when the relationship is clearly not going to work; counseling helps the couple see that it's not going to work, and prompts them to admit that and move on with their lives rather than staying miserably together. 

As for whether or not you should suggest counseling to them and how, personally I don't think you should. I understand why you want to; but it's really not your place. It's putting you in the middle of their marriage, and that is not a place any child should be (I know you are an adult, but regardless of age, they are still your parents, and you are still their child, and it's not right for you to be in the middle of their marriage.)

Which is another point...they should not be venting to you and your siblings about their problems. If you really want to suggest counseling to them, to me the best way to do so is the next time they begin venting to you. You explain to them that you are uncomfortable with being put in the middle of their problems, and that you understand they need someone else to talk to, but you can't be that person...perhaps they should find a counselor? That way, you're suggesting counseling as you want, but you're not really putting yourself in the middle; you're simply responding to them coming to you.


----------



## blazzerm (Dec 24, 2010)

Thanks for your input. 

If anyone else has a different point of view i'd like to hear it.


----------



## blazzerm (Dec 24, 2010)

I spoke to my sister a little more about this today and she thought we should talk to them about it.

My dad stays up late watching TV so he can go to bed once mum is asleep. They hardly ever speak and when they do they argue. 
My sister told me that my mum said to her that my dad hasn't even touched mum in 6 months. And i'm not talking sexually, he phyiscally hasn't touched her hand or anything.

I think the relationship is dreadful and we're all wondering how awful Christmas dinner will be tomorrow...

It's very hard for me to accept your advice that we should stand by and do nothing.

Dad works late very often, he has an important job in London and has to work long hours but I sometimes think he be saying he is working late but really be meeting another women perhaps.

Also mum is a devout Christian and dad isn't Christian at all. I think they have nothing in common, mum doesn't work, maybe Dad resents her for not working.

There are so many problems in this relationship I think it's going to be awful if they don't do something about it.

My father doesn't ever talk about his emotions with anyone in the family he's gonna need a push to go to counselling and I don't think my mum is brave enough to ask him to do it....


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, my, you poor, sweet, loving kids. They have done something right, to have such caring children. Keep that in mind as you think this through.

I think you have every right to let them know that their marital discord is making all of you kids so unhappy. It is often very difficult for children (even adult children) to say things they *know* will hurt their parents, but even though it will upset your parents to know their relationship is causing their kids pain, it would upset them so much more if the 3 of you just silently disengaged and abandoned the unhappy family home, which is what will likely happen otherwise. 

ATG is correct in saying that the way they have confided in you children is both inapproiate (although as older kids, you understand it better than young kids would, but that does not make it ok) AND is your opportunity to speak up. Maybe you 3 kids should go to a family therapist to get some in-person support. As the eldest, you could make the appointment and the 3 of you could go. I think the chances are extremely good that the therapist will have you bring your mom and dad to the next (or soon) appointment so you can deliver your message in a safe environment. And I bet your dad would go if you kids asked him to. 

Counseling does not "cause" divorce, to answer one of your concerns. It will help your parents figure out what they need to do to stop making each other (and you 3) so miserable. They may decide to try and improve things, and that can work. They may try and find it does not work. They may end up deciding to separate. 

You are very loving to say you would support divorce if it ultimately led to their happiness. 

I do not think you would be out of line addressing them yourselves, b/c they have brought you into the conflict and b/c it is obviously having a direct impact on the 3 of you. I think it might be easier on you kids if you consulted a counselor for advice, however, which is why I suggested it. 

I'm so sorry your Xmas has this hanging over it. May God smile on you at this difficult time.


----------



## blazzerm (Dec 24, 2010)

I wouldn't say they confided in us as it's been just moans about their other parent to us. I rarely hear them saying something positive about each other, haven't heard them say something for months that's positive.

Aren't therapists very expensive, i'm not sure he have enough money for this really. And they might get very angry with us as well....


----------

