# Things that trigger the biatch



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm learning how to be a good wife slowly but surely. Since I've started my 180 from shrew to sweet, I've noticed there are things that trigger the inner harpy in me to come out.

*Not enough sleep* - this is the main one. If I'm up with the twins all night while my husband slept soundly in his bed uninturputed for 8 hours, I have a hard time being patient with him the next day.

*Dirty house* - When I feel like I'm doing more than my share of the housework.

*Miscommunications about money* - When the checking account is overdrawn because hubby wasn't tracking his spending. Since we've discovered he has ADHD, it's easier for me to not take this personally but it still makes me frustrated.

*Not doing enough things for myself* - When my husband is making plans to go out or spend time with his hobby and I haven't taken any time to take care of myself. This one is totally not his fault, but it's still one of my triggers.

So far, these are the only things that make my tolerance level take a nose dive. I'm proud that I have acknowledged these things because know I feel like I'll be more prepared in the future to exhibit some self control in these situations. The next thing I have to get down is the perfect way to react to them without sounding like a nag.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Well.... I'm a man, and I'm hanging out at the ladie's lounge to learn a little more about "what makes a woman tick" 

I'll tell you that you're 100% right!!

The sleep part is the tricky one. does he work? If so, does his job require that he be super alert? (police officer, Fireman, etc)
I have raised 4 children, and I could NEVER get up during the night, then work an eight hour shift. I always leaned on my wife for that one.

HOWEVER, I ALWAYS made it up by doing the OTHER things you mention.
When she was falling flat on her face, I would always do my best to clean the house.
You should request he do that for you. Most men would take it for granted that it's YOUR job to clean the house. 
Have you asked him to help you?
I offered, because I felt bad that my wife was dragging her ass.

The money part must be addressed mutually.
Again, why are you expecting him to be perfect? Did YOU do the bills before the children?
If so, a crash course in money management might be in order for your husband.

Finally... the going out with friends....
Even though I'm a guy, I would suggest you come down real hard on this one.
That's selfish, and inconsiderate on his part. *It IS his fault.*
My wife used to make plans, then tell me that she made plans.
She would say.... very simple...... I made plans to go for dinner with my mother friday. Don't make any plans, unless you have a babysitter. 

I'd suggest you set to rules.

Just a guy's .02 cents


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

When I don't have enough sleep, I definitely become impatient. The best way for me to become better is to take a nap right away. 

I feel uncomfortable seeing a messy apartment. I feel my mind is much relaxed when the apartment is clean, tidy, and organized. But cleaning the apartment is my job, so I have to make sure I spend time on it everyday. 

I think a lot of couples fret over money. We choose to live a simple life, I am glad that my husband and I are on the same page in this area. 

The fourth one shows you want to spend time with him, I don't like it if my husband goes out without me. He knows that, so he makes sure he takes me with him everywhere! I am very possessive of his time and attention!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

No, he's not working right now but he has a job lined up. I'm working and I still get up during the night with the twins because he doesn't hear them (heavy sleeper) and I have to wake up anyway to wake him up to get them so I end up just doing it myself. They are starting to sleep through the night, but it's sporatic.

We've had issues with him cleaning the house. I do believe he is doing his best though. I came home yesterday to washed dishes and vacuumed floors. That was nice.

The money thing is slowly being resolved. He has agreed to let me handle the money once he starts working and I quit my job. I'm hoping things will get better. I do agree that we should do a money management course together. It's easier for him to take advice from an "expert" than from me even if I say the same exact thing.

I want my husband to go out with his friends. Everyone needs a break. What I am saying is that sometimes I get resentful that he takes time for himself and I don't feel like I have the time. It's not his fault, it's my fault for not making myself a priority. 

I'm slowly figuring things out. I hope that I will get this down pat within the year and permanently kick my nagging ways.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Greenpearl, I'm totally with you on living a simple life. My husband and I have agreed to that as well. We'd rather LIVE right now with what we've got than work our fingers to the bone to get a bunch of stuff that won't make us happy in the end. I'm totally not materialistic and neither is he. That being said, bills still have to get paid. 

Like I said, I don't mind my husband going out without me. I just need to take the time to do things by myself that I enjoy also. I can't rely on him to entertain me all the time. That's not fair.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You will get there! 

I know clearly, the less we nag, the more they want to be around us. 

The happier we are, the happier they become. 

I also know that I don't want to around miserable people, so thinking from the other person's point of view, I don't think others want to be around a bitter me. 

If I want people to be around me, especially my husband, I have to be happy, cheerful, and peaceful! 

Reading helps a lot!  Books about wisdom!


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> No, he's not working right now but he has a job lined up. I'm working and I still get up during the night with the twins because he doesn't hear them (heavy sleeper) and I have to wake up anyway to wake him up to get them so I end up just doing it myself. They are starting to sleep through the night, but it's sporatic.
> 
> We've had issues with him cleaning the house. I do believe he is doing his best though. I came home yesterday to washed dishes and vacuumed floors. That was nice.
> 
> ...


You are being very passive, my friend.

He's not working? Then HIS JOB IS RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE!!!!

He had an overdraft, and he's NOT working? Then going out drinking SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION FOR HIM!!

do yourself a favor. Give him a chore list, since he's home, and you're working. Explain to him EXACTLY what needs to be done in the house, while you're gone.

I don't agree with the "he'll let me handle the money, once he starts working" part. Since you're the only one working, why don't YOU handle your budget, or at best, do it with him?


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Of the things you mentioned, I think sleep and not enough me-time are the main issues right now. I told my wife last night, _please_ go out and do things with friends and leave the baby with me every once in awhile. go get your nails done, go drink girly drinks with your friends, do _something!_

I play in a band so I am regularly out 1-2 nights/week gigging or rehearsing. It's very gracious of her to allow this to continue with a baby, but I am afraid she will start resenting me if she doesn't take time to do fun things for herself.



> No, he's not working right now but he has a job lined up. I'm working and I still get up during the night with the twins because he doesn't hear them (heavy sleeper) and I have to wake up anyway to wake him up to get them so I end up just doing it myself. They are starting to sleep through the night, but it's sporatic.


That is a tricky one. Right now the baby sleeps in a bassinet next to the bed. He is physically ready to move to his own room, but I don't think mom is emotionally ready for this, and says she'll have to get up and walk across the house all the time. I tell my wife all the time, of course I can get up and take care of the baby, just say the word! Problem is, I cannot envision a scenario where the baby wakes only me up and not her! 

Do you have any suggestions for this? It is clearly in my best interest for my wife to get the sleep she needs.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

themrs said:


> Greenpearl, I'm totally with you on living a simple life. My husband and I have agreed to that as well. We'd rather LIVE right now with what we've got than work our fingers to the bone to get a bunch of stuff that won't make us happy in the end. I'm totally not materialistic and neither is he. That being said, bills still have to get paid.
> 
> Yes, it is very true. Gas bills, electricity bills, insurance, etc etc etc, every two months I have to pay a lot of bills, bites!  And you have children, more money!
> 
> ...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> You are being very passive, my friend.
> 
> He's not working? Then HIS JOB IS RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE!!!!
> 
> ...



I don't disagree with you, but this approach hasn't really worked well for me. It just causes resentment on both sides because I can't MAKE my husband do anything.

Right now, I just tell him what I want and expect him to do it. If he fails, I don't get all bent out of shape about it I just mention it to him as calmly and politely as possible and hope he does better next time. 

I do pay all the bills, but I have to give him the debit card from time to time to run errands while I'm at work. That's when I find the miscellaneous purchases on the account. Little things that add up. He's gotten better about it, but he still struggles with money. I guess I could start just giving him cash.

And he doesn't go out drinking with is buddies at a bar or anything. He generally just goes over to one of their houses and plays video games. I'm not going to begrudge him just because he's not working. He takes care of the kids (we have four age 5 and under) all day. That's a lot of work.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

nader said:


> Of the things you mentioned, I think sleep and not enough me-time are the main issues right now. I told my wife last night, _please_ go out and do things with friends and leave the baby with me every once in awhile. go get your nails done, go drink girly drinks with your friends, do _something!_
> 
> I play in a band so I am regularly out 1-2 nights/week gigging or rehearsing. It's very gracious of her to allow this to continue with a baby, but I am afraid she will start resenting me if she doesn't take time to do fun things for herself.
> 
> ...


I read that nature is not on men's side when it comes to waking up to crying babies. Women are naturally inclined to wake up to high pitched sounds like a baby's cry, but men aren't. A man's nature is to wake up to a lower tone like someone banging on the door or a commotion. It makes sense if you think about it.

My husband NEVER hears the babies crying until like 20 minutes after I do. I actually timed him more than once. So I decided to just wake him up and go back to sleep (this way at least I don't have to get all the way up) OR I just take a nap when I can get it to catch up on some much needed rest. The second one has worked out the best. Last Sunday I told him I was sleeping in and he took care of the kids while I slept. I really appreciated it.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I don't disagree with you, but this approach hasn't really worked well for me. It just causes resentment on both sides because I can't MAKE my husband do anything.
> 
> Right now, I just tell him what I want and expect him to do it. If he fails, I don't get all bent out of shape about it I just mention it to him as calmly and politely as possible and hope he does better next time.
> 
> ...


This all sounds like a much different picture than the one you painted in your original post.
This sounds like you guys are operating in perfect harmony.

So what IS the problem?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> This all sounds like a much different picture than the one you painted in your original post.
> This sounds like you guys are operating in perfect harmony.
> 
> So what IS the problem?


I apologize for not making myself clear. We do have a good thing. My husband was just telling me last night that our marriage is the envy of all of his friends.

There is no problem per se. I'm just saying that the things I listed are things that trigger me to nag. I'm attempting to rectify this and act in a more graceful way in these situations.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I apologize for not making myself clear. We do have a good thing. My husband was just telling me last night that our marriage is the envy of all of his friends.
> 
> There is no problem per se. I'm just saying that the things I listed are things that trigger me to nag. I'm attempting to rectify this and act in a more graceful way in these situations.


Then my apology for the misunderstanding. If you agree that your marriage is the envy of all your friends, why don't you just enjoy what you have?

I have a feeling you're nothing more than just over tired. You have twins, you're getting up at night, and you're working. Come on now!!! 
You have every right to nag


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Undertheradar said:


> Then my apology for the misunderstanding. If you agree that your marriage is the envy of all your friends, why don't you just enjoy what you have?
> 
> I have a feeling you're nothing more than just over tired. You have twins, you're getting up at night, and you're working. Come on now!!!
> You have every right to nag


You seem like a real nice guy. 

Just because nagging is justified, doesn't mean it's effective. It's not. I learned that the hard way. Nagging gets us nowhere.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

themrs said:


> You seem like a real nice guy.
> 
> Just because nagging is justified, doesn't mean it's effective. It's not. I learned that the hard way. Nagging gets us nowhere.


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:

Nagging wives drive their husbands crazy! 

A lot of women drive their husbands away by doing that! 

We don't want to be like that!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. Naps these days save me.

Another trigger I have that is weird is junk food. If I don't take care of myself and eat well I get snippy. I'm sensitive to caffeine, sugar, gluten (look it up) and artificial sweetners. If I drink a diet coke my husband will know within hours. It affects me that bad and I didn't know this till I cleaned up my diet.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. Naps these days save me.
> 
> Another trigger I have that is weird is junk food. If I don't take care of myself and eat well I get snippy. I'm sensitive to caffeine, sugar, gluten (look it up) and artificial sweetners. If I drink a diet coke my husband will know within hours. It affects me that bad and I didn't know this till I cleaned up my diet.


Caffeine has this effect on me as well. The other night I had a 12oz cup of coffee and I didn't want to talk to my husband all night. I couldn't get myself together.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't even wave hello before my quad espresso.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Don't even wave hello before my quad espresso.


Thought that too until I got off of it. Took 2 weeks of hell to kick my caffeine habit and now I feel so much better I won't touch it anymore. I have enough anxiety already I don't need to add to it. LOL!!


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## inlovetfa (Apr 21, 2011)

I agree with you on most. And I know what you mean about not having or giving time to yourself I'm like that to my husband offers go watch our baby but I just feel so guilty even thinking about having a girls night idk why
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I'm learning how to be a good wife slowly but surely.


Trigger the biatch? Heh personally I like to (try to) trigger the biatch in my missus from time to time deliberately. Don't know why, guess I just like to pop bubbles! It's cute! Also makes room for making up and flirting my way back into her good books - romance! But that's just me...

Now I don't think the act of nagging will automatically classify you as a 'bad wife'. In my opinion a 'bad wife' is one that doesn't complain, doesn't voice out, doesn't express etc. Which my missus DOES from time to time and actually gets under me skin.

It's good to identify your triggers, the missus has most of them covered however nowadays (kinda used to my games) making it very frustrating for me because it's become harder to start a fight! 

Nonetheless, there's a level of respect that I've grown to have for her due to her level of self-control and strength these days. Don't know about your hubby, but this type of strength is what keeps me in love with my missus. Hence keep it up!


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