# Just no winning, WTH?



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Okay, so no what to do? I have spent much time and effort in telling my wife how good she looks and how much she means, attempted gently affection, and none of it is getting through. Compliments are cast aside as “yeah right”, “whatever” “really”, “what do you want”. Affection is pushed away with “get off”, “stop it”, “what are you doing?” unless she is wanting a foot massage or something, then it is a case of “oh do my feet”. I sent her a love letter in a text saying what it is that I love about her and I just get “glad you feeling happy”, I wasn’t expecting an outpouring of love and devotion, but hardly even an acknowledgement? and its not like it’s a one off, I often compliment her and tell her, but it is always falling flat and never believed or accepted, and for a long time now I have nothing back in return.
I have done the 180 thing and ignored and not done, only to get “well you are not bothered or even noticing me” so whats the point in trying.
I have done the talking and it turns out there is nothing wrong, just things going on, and what is the point, but then when she has had a heart to heart there are things that are highlighted that its not the same as when we first met, BUT I am doing, its just not happening, how am I supposed to know or do anything?
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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

So you have paid her attention, you have tried not paying her so much attention, and no matter what you do it seems to fall on deaf ears and she continues to play the "woe is me" card. 

So its probably time to go hard core. Can you present her with a ultimatium? I don't care for those unless its the last resort and only if the person presenting it will follow through with what they say they are going to do. 

Here are some things to try. Suggest counseling for the both of you. Suggest counseling for her. Make it clear to that her actions show different than her words when she says nothing is wrong, or that it doesn't matter. Tell her it does matter in order for your marriage to have a chance of survival. Tell her you have tried most things you know to try, and that you are willing to do one more thing to save the marriage and if she isn't on board then you will make arrangements to end the marriage.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe you're to nice and she has taken advantage of that? 

Time to put your foot down. It doesn't sound like talking to her is making much of a difference, its time for serious action. You may have to actually get your bag out and start packing it, and if she were to ask what you're doing, tell her!


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I may be reading this wrong but I think her respect for you has dropped. What do you think?


I wont deny there is a possibility of that, and I have worked to put that right, some things are still not right but she wont meet me halfway to help, so I continue but its so hard when there is just no hint of of emotion over it, and how long do I try, or how long does it take to get somewhere to her.
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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What are some things that have happened, that might be a clue to why she is acting this way?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Dean you do make sense, but if you have read one of my threads, you may know that one of the biggest issues is something I cant just make good just like that, its a physical thing and one that can be managed if we both put into it, but can not be when I just get told sort it, which dents my conffidence. 
That said I am returning to the man she met and have been making good on all that was bad, it just becomes hard with so little feedback, and not knowing how long it may be like this.
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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

I have been to the doctor about it, have received medication for it, it made a slight difference, not enough though, and now she has said the answer is not tablets, will refuse any contact if I continue to use them, and told me to sort it, tried further to be told last week when trying, there is no point and moved away. Gutted!! But I will do all I can, I suppose im looking for some indicatioon im progressing, and struggling to keep going without it. But useful words thankyou.
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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

She's taking you for granted as you're too good to her.

Don't compliment her anymore. Don't text her. Just shut up and do nothing. 

Believe me..she'll notice!! And when she says that you never compliment her anymore..tell her that she didn't appreciate you when you did, so you just stopped.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wow poor you!!

She's so careless about you. And yeah, taken for granted is what's happening to you.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Quick update then, I am trying, and losing the will rapidly. So things are not too good, I am trying to make good on everything and anything, although not sure what all the issues are. I get home last night to a very cold shoulder, everything I do is dismissed, made fun, pushed away or made to make me look stupid. All conversations I start are answered as if I am a boring imbecile who is dim.
Every time I go to touch she moves away, but nothing is wrong apparently, sorry no its “fine”.
I call her today in the afternoon to get extremely sharp one word answers and when I asked what is up I get accused of being off with her and there is no need, ask her how she is, she is the same as this morning, followed by a tirade of why call now, I suppose you have had your dinner break, why not then, yet when I called earlier in the week in the morning she was too busy and I was in the way.
I say I will deal with something to be told there is no point as it doesn’t get done properly, or I say at the weekend when… to be told, “don’t you remember that little part of the conversation last week, we are waiting until the end of the month.”
Last weekend was all smiles, we got on, we did things, chatted, all good moving forward, and nothing other than me going to work and paying her a big compliment has changed this week.
Its everything, and nothing is every right or good enough. There may be a loss of respect but I am doing and trying, its just a brick wall though and I cant get through, and fast losing the will.
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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Sorry just to add to the comments, I have tried the threaten to leave thing, she just went to pour a coffee and said "you know where the door is" sat down and changed channels on TV, it really doesn't seem to be a concern, so I am trying and doing as I do love her and want it to work.
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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Total lack of mutual loving respect, and youve become the supporter of your whole marriage. "theres the door?" really? 

When I heard similar words,,"...Thats the way I am, and if you dont like it then maybe you should leave..."
Those words stuck. It took away every desire in me to work on anything. I think it was when I ultimately detatched from her, but was running thru the motions, without dignity, without happiness, and without anything coming back.

Dont resign yourself to that kind of life. Theres something wrong with her and you are not being allowed to be a part of it. 
And with that kind of sh!tty reply from her, I wouldnt blame you one bit for taking a hard line, and dumping her on her sorry ass.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> Sorry just to add to the comments, I have tried the threaten to leave thing, she just went to pour a coffee and said "you know where the door is" sat down and changed channels on TV, it really doesn't seem to be a concern, so I am trying and doing as I do love her and want it to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WOW!!!!!

SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU/YOUR FEELINGS AT ALL!!!!
So disrespectful!! I wonder why you're still married to her. She's not the girl you once met. She's rude and cold. You've put too much effort. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!
Stop being Mr.Nice Guy and tell her to give this ****ty behavior an end!
Stand up and for yourself and make her respect her !! 
You're too tolerating that's why she's treating you like trash.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> Sorry just to add to the comments, I have tried the threaten to leave thing, she just went to pour a coffee and said "you know where the door is" sat down and changed channels on TV, it really doesn't seem to be a concern, so I am trying and doing as I do love her and want it to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right now she's got the testicles in the marriage. She may be bluffing, she may not be. Were that me, I'd have been out the freaking door. At the very least, she now has comfort in the fact that you are bluffing about leaving.

If I understand correctly, you have ED issues, and she, for some reason, does not want you to take the pills to make it better. And on top of it, she humiliates you when you try and it isn't working.

This is a cold, self centered, controlling, heartless, emasculating bit*ch at work here. You have, at this point, been completely and 100% taken for granted, and taken as a wimp with no backbone.

Do you want to live like this? The rest of your life? Or for years of additional pain, humiliation and rejection?

I see but one option since she seems to have zero interest in working on the relationship or anything else with you. LEAVE. Stop threatening (she's not buying the threats anymore). Get your ducks in line, find a place, and let her come home to a house emptied of your things one day. Leave a note: "I love you, I want to work this out but you are unwilling, and I will not live my life this way". If she has any desire to love you, and is not just using you, this will shake her to the core and wake her azz up. Talking will not work with this one. So what do you do when the talking is finished (not working)? TAKE ACTION.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Donny, I know that is all good sense, I know, but doing scares the bejeez out of me, I lost everything from my first marriage and facing it again?!? I love this woman, and we have been through a lot, and she has supported me through things as I do her with her hospital trips, but we have always been very loving until it waned over the last couple of years, and I hold my hand to playing a part and intent on correcting it, but I just want her to see I am and at least acknowledge. Yes I take much of the blame myself and am the oneim an argument that comes of worst which is down to her ability to be so damned good (court lawyer good, though she is not a lawyer) at her case. My issue is not ED but PE, and is manageable if done as we used to, its.just not seemingly okay to do any more.
I know its there, I'm just trying to breakthrough plus I'm not ready to quit yet she has been and still is a good wife and my love, but talking here helps.
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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Dean you are right, I started getting up early to bike every morning, but that was a problem as I was waking her early and she complained, it was 6 am before work, so I stopped but I think now get on it and tough. I would eat fish daily, and I work in the fish processing industry so no problem, but none of the other family like it, iand I hate eating alone. BUT I'm going to get in shape for me and her, thankyou my friend, thankyou.

Right had it out with my wife, the whole scenario is about one thingonly, SEX, yes I suffer premature ejaculation and she is not getting the big O with me, I'm too quick, I'm am quite desperate and have told her many times to. I'd love to pleasure her orally or any other way, but no, if I can't do sex as required there is no point. I have always had it but have always managed the stop start techniqe by foreplay, changing positions etc, except now there is no possibility of this as she does not want any of that, wont even take her top off when we tried in the last few months, in fact thinking on it a couple of months ago, I managed to start, stop by taking her t shirt off and thats all it takes, seconds and I'm good for 10+ mins, but now she knows that is the case she will not allow it. No its intercourse only until orgasm, nothing else, and theyre is no flexibility on that, I need to sort it. So I need a cure to PE, and thats it, SO back to what has been said above, get in shape and DO IT, any other PE advice greatly received.
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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> So I need a cure to PE, and thats it, SO back to what has been said above, get in shape and DO IT, any other PE advice greatly received.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Given that you knew you had this problem, why haven't you seen any doctor yet?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Shinobi said:


> I have been to the doctor about it, have received medication for it, it made a slight difference, not enough though, and now she has said the answer is not tablets, will refuse any contact if I continue to use them, and told me to sort it, tried further to be told last week when trying, there is no point and moved away. Gutted!! But I will do all I can, I suppose im looking for some indicatioon im progressing, and struggling to keep going without it. But useful words thankyou.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





lovelygirl said:


> Given that you knew you had this problem, why haven't you seen any doctor yet?


He did, and it (apparently) isn't the answer. Neither is allowing him the few seconds that will allow him to continue long enough.

Evidently the OP's wife wants a solution strictly on her terms. A case of her not wanting the truth but the "right answer"


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