# Sexual Cripple



## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

Hi, my name is Shockwave, and I'm a sexual cripple.

I was married for 15 years, and always enjoyed sex with my wife very much. We sort of "stuck to the basics", just your basic hugging and cuddling leading to oral with the climax in intercourse, followed by more hugging and cuddling and then, of course, sleeping together. But that all changed following the hysterectomy.

My sexual interests seemed to be "a burden", intercourse became painful and ultimately, impossible, so we settled into a largely sexless marriage, living first like friends and then like brother and sister. The rest is entirely predictable. We drifted apart, engaged in other interests (no infidelity on either person's part), and ultimately, divorce. That was 5-1/2 years ago.

I haven't had sex with anyone (or anything) in 5-1/2 years. Sometimes when I think I want to approach a female, I still feel like I'm cheating. I literally get nauseated and sick. I guess it's just so much easier living alone, not having to deal with anyone's BS, or having to deal with rejection again.

I wanted to talk to my therapist (from back in my married days) but surprisingly, he got kicked out of practice for having sex with a client (patient?). So I have absolutely no one to talk to about this.

I'm living like a monk at 53. I'm beginning to think maybe this is not healthy for me. Has anyone else ever gone through a period like this? I'm scared to death of STDs, yet can't stomach "getting back into a relationship". My buddies suggested a prostitute, but I've never done that. I'm not certain I'd be able to perform with a stranger. And I'd suppose oral is out of the question.

What to do.....what to do.

Shockwave


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Find a new therapist?

This seems like something you'd need to work out in IC. I don't think it's healthy to still be so attached to your ex-wife after so many years that you cannot even fathom dating or a new relationship. If it's a lack of self-esteem rather than devotion to your ex, that too, needs to be addressed.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Perhaps if you didn't set out for sex specifically but rather start putting yourself out there for dating again? Perhaps find a new social group or find a hobby that could get you out there and meeting new people? I imagine if you found someone you were attracted to the sexual feelings would follow. Life is short, my friend!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The target demographic should be plentiful - try the obvious venues first, art classes and the like. Things are slower than in our youth.

If you have money and need a break try singles cruises.


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Perhaps if you didn't set out for sex specifically but rather start putting yourself out there for dating again? Perhaps find a new social group or find a hobby that could get you out there and meeting new people? I imagine if you found someone you were attracted to the sexual feelings would follow. Life is short, my friend!


I absolutely do NOT "set out for sex specifically". It would be more accurate to say I "dread the sex that will ultimately, eventually follow".

I'm EXTREMELY quiet and shy (always have been) although "quite intelligent". It's just too bad I'm apparently not intelligent enough to figure out what's wrong with me. I never believed that divorce could do this to me.

Meh....I don't know.....maybe it would be best to just remain under my rock.

SAY.....there's PBS special tonight "Ultimate Tut". You know, the latest findings about the tomb of Tutankamun?

Got plans THIS evening.......


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Although I do love Egyptology - I hope you wont remain under a rock. Life can be so surprising sometimes. You still may fall in love with someone wonderful.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do you still have a sex drive?

I think you need just get out and be with some people and see what happens. what do you have to lose?

its an adventure. ho doesn't like adventures.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Get a new therapist, there should be plenty around.

Take a few deep breaths and relax man. Life is short, live it.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

ShockwaveRider said:


> Hi, my name is Shockwave, and I'm a sexual cripple.
> 
> I was married for 15 years, and always enjoyed sex with my wife very much. We sort of "stuck to the basics", just your basic hugging and cuddling leading to oral with the climax in intercourse, followed by more hugging and cuddling and then, of course, sleeping together. But that all changed following the hysterectomy.
> 
> ...


I have read your other posts. Your still very involved with your ex-wife and her current terminal illness. She is months to weeks from passing from this world and you serve as a caregiver to her, and you are a source of support her (a main source of support, I might add - based on the point of view we see from your postings). You need to pass through this stage of life with her and then grieve properly before seeking sex and a true relationship with another to have healthy, whole relationship. You need to go through the stages of grieving Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. 

This is needed before you will be able to seek another healthy relationship (that includes another healthy sexual relationship). You will only hurt yourself and the other party (new GF). Not to mention - seeking other relationships could stress the relationship with your ex-wife, who relies on you now for support emotionally due to her terminal cancer. You need to tread lightly in this matter. You only have weeks to a few months left to deal with this. I'm sorry about the whole situation. It sucks - I feel like I want to cry when I read your other thread. 

I don't think you a sexual cripple; I think you have been hung up on your ex-wife all these years. Your other posts easily show it, even though you have denied it. 

Others might NOT agree with me, but I think that this will be best for your current situation to wait until you ex-wife passes to begin dating. And, it will be best that you begin to go through your stages of grief before dating. With a counselor. You will otherwise take it out on your dating or sexual partners. Seeing as how immediate your current ex-wife's passing is and how inter-twined your lives are, you are in the thick of this. I do not think that you intended to become your ex-wives caregiver or even her best friend post-divorce, but you are. I think that you are going through a lot emotionally and that you are seeking sex and an emotional partner to deal with some of this; I suggest a counselor instead. 

Good luck.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh yeah you might have mentioned that about your ex. 
Kudos to you for caring for her. But you need to get through this first I think before you can start delving into your relationship aversion. 
Watching someone you love die? I can't think of anything that would make someone not want to get into another relationship. 
So maybe you are afraid if you start dating that person is going to change on you AND will leave you. Lots of people feel abandoned by dying loved ones even if it makes no sense.


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## boonefhh (Jul 22, 2013)

I imagine if you found someone you were attracted to the sexual feelings would follow.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dude you're c*ck blocking yourself from all the pressure.

"I don't want to say hi to a girl because I'm afraid of the sex that could result from it."

There's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Go out and do something fun, something you enjoy. Try something different, yoga, dancing, backpacking. Find some meetups online that interest you.

You may find that you meet someone there that you actually like, without thinking about sex. And the attraction that you'll have will pull you towards wanting sex, instead of feeling like it's forced.

You wouldn't believe how fast this can happen. "Mary is great, I love spending time with her. OMG my crotch is getting all warm and fuzzy what's going on?"


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

MrsDraper said:


> Others might NOT agree with me, but I think that this will be best for your current situation to wait until you ex-wife passes to begin dating. And, it will be best that you begin to go through your stages of grief before dating. With a counselor. You will otherwise take it out on your dating or sexual partners. Seeing as how immediate your current ex-wife's passing is and how inter-twined your lives are, you are in the thick of this. I do not think that you intended to become your ex-wives caregiver or even her best friend post-divorce, but you are. I think that you are going through a lot emotionally and that you are seeking sex and an emotional partner to deal with some of this; I suggest a counselor instead.


Uh-oh.....busted by Mrs. Draper.

In all honesty I had / have no intentions what-so-ever of dating anyone or anything right at the moment, because of all of the reasons you mentioned.

No, I was just surfing around the TAM site and was drawn (naturally) to the "Sex in Marriage" forum. This "sexual problem" I have is nothing new, and has nothing to do with my ex-wife (who passed away 7/28/13, incidentally).

No, this "sexual cripple" thing has been going on ever since the divorce in 2007. I frequent a local tavern (more for the steak sandwiches than the alcohol, quite frankly) and several times (recently) I have been approached by seemingly nice, decent women. The last time, when the woman got up to go to the can, I "chickened out" and snuck out the back door and went home (we were going to go over to her place).

I sure as heck realize I'm a "complete and utter physical and emotional wreck" right at the moment (due to the death of my ex) but I sure don't relish the thought of being alone forever. I'd like to at least believe that I will have the nerve to be in a relationship again. Hell, I don't know.

I just wish I could overcome this "nausea" I experience when I actually sit down and start talking to a woman. It's not only the sex I dread, it's the whole damn relationship.

I really do need to find a new Cognitive Therapist.

Shockwave


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ShockwaveRider said:


> I really do need to find a new Cognitive Therapist.
> 
> Shockwave


:iagree:

Shockwave,

IMHO, you need to heal from your recent past first. IC would assist in getting you there or closer to it, if possible. My late condolences to you. 

From there, you might look into a sex/relationship therapist. I would recommend someone familiar with the works of Dr. Richard Schnarch. Google him. Do some reading. They treat singles too. 

Good luck


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> IC would assist in getting you there or closer to it, if possible.


Define "IC" please.

I've seen that acronym several times and still haven't figured it out.

Heck, I was struggling with "PIV".

Not reel smart and am kinda dum etc.

Shockwave


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Individual counseling - IC


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

ShockwaveRider said:


> Define "IC" please.
> 
> I've seen that acronym several times and still haven't figured it out.
> 
> ...


Sorry, here is a list, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## svteck (Oct 10, 2017)

Hello Shockwave,

Don't be so hard on yourself. What is the big deal? I wouldn't want to get STD's either and if you are comfortable and happy why worry. Is it that you think you're weird? Look at nature around you. Ducks have one spouse in life if, death occurs they never seek another. They are following an internal instinct or law. Do they complain or have a fit? No, They are busy living enjoying, flying or whatever they do. 

I haven't been with anyone in nearly twenty years and I don't feel like I miss out. I feel bad when others say things to make me feel strange. So, back to the duck, our Creator says not to get with someone else if your ex is still alive. There are many reasons for this. If you follow His advise you won't regret it. What those reasons are you, can look it up, that's the fun discovery. Concentrate on social intercourse that is where life is, remember the duck. I know we are not ducks we are created by the same God. The point is there is more to life than what desire is between our legs. I need to find more creatures that live with only one mate. I like my internal settings like the duck it makes me, ME.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ShockwaveRider said:


> Hi, my name is Shockwave, and I'm a sexual cripple.
> 
> I was married for 15 years, and always enjoyed sex with my wife very much. We sort of "stuck to the basics", just your basic hugging and cuddling leading to oral with the climax in intercourse, followed by more hugging and cuddling and then, of course, sleeping together. But that all changed following the hysterectomy.
> 
> ...


There is more then on therapist you know.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This thread is from 2013. Too bad we don't know what happened to @ShockwaveRider. I checked his profile and he hasn't been here since 2015.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

man, go to the bunny ranch, pick out two hot young babes, and blow a month's salary on them. After that, i would bet your issues will be solved.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

IC= Individual Counseling

You are technically single and have huge confidence issues.

I would echo seeing a counselor and fixing yourself first.

You said friends suggested a prostitute. Not sure I would do that, although you sound like you could really benefit from either a sex surrogate recommended by a therapist. 

Conversely, your masculine confidence might also benefit from an old fashioned happy ending massage, not much chance of an STD and yet you would likely get an ego boost and confirmation that the equipment still works.

But do heal and do go through the grieving.

Good luck. Rather than being a sexual cripple, figure out your rehab program so you are a sexual survivor.

Damn another zombie thread.


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