# Help and Input Please



## FionaApplebee

This is my first time to this forum. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. Married for 10. We had a couple of breakups previous to the marriage. 

My husband was in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse for 15 years. He went to treatment, went to meeting for the first couple of years. Stayed Clean and Sober. 

In the past year and a half everything has gone to hell. His parents became sick and passed away. He had been the primary caretaker for one of them. While he was taking care of him he started gambling very, very heavily. He acted just like he did when he was abusing substances. His behavior became very confrontational and he did all the same fight-picking behaviors that he did when he was using. I attributed most of this to the grief, obviously he was going through a horrendous time. I tried really, really hard to be patient and supportive and do everything i could to help him. 

He was spending thousands of dollars at the casino that we don't have. Disappearing for days at a time with no word. Spending tons of time with his best friend ( a woman I am very jealous of - venting to her about everything that is wrong with me). Blowing up over perceived slights - some of which were just completely irrational. Accusing me of cheating. And on and on. All of his behaviors made me think he was using again. I asked him repeatedly if he was, he would tell me he wasn't and get furious that I would ask. 

I was horrible and lost my temper several times during this and said awful things I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have, I know it wasn't helpful and that he was full of grief and didn't know how to handle it ( or anything ). 

So several months ago he tells me he wants a divorce. Then a month later he admits that he started drinking again a year ago. My heart is breaking for him, for me, for our life. His behavior is so irrational and he just doesn't see it. 

We are still living together, our house just got foreclosed on. He has started seeing someone else and plans to live with her. I have some sort of autoimmune disease that is geting worse by the day. Our plan was for me to leave my job and stay home, it was our goal for when the kids were grown - now he says he'll help with bills, but i need to keep working, and he spends every cent he gets his hands on.

He is absolutely unable to see how his obsessive gambling or his drinking had anything at all to do with it. 

He knows the gambling is a problem ( we are living hand to mouth while both working good full time jobs, he burned through at least half our take home pay, and all his inhieretance ).. and he says he'll get help. But hasn't. He at first seemed to realize the drinking was a problem and he should go back to meetings -- but now is just saying he'll work on it, and he doesn't drink that much and and and .... No he doesn't drink much at all- but he drinks when he goes to the casino and spends all the money, he drinks to escape and I am scared to death he will be right back where he was using wise eventually. I feel like his behavior is pretty close to when he was using crack.

I feel that he is throwing our entire life away based on the trauma of losing his parents and i am left with no way to talk to him about it , because he has decided to replace me with someone who doesn't care if he drinks and is all fun all the time instead of having to pay the bills and deal with the day to day responsibilities. 


I know I have flaws, I know I screwed up, I am more than willing to get help and I haven't blown up in months .. I am just stuck with how to handle this. Somewhere in there is the Man I know he can be. He is still loving to me, says he loves me, we have great sex, we laugh and watch tv ... but he doesn't want to even think about going to counseling or saving our marriage. And what makes it even harder for me is that I KNOW that if he was being at least a little bit rational he would see that the lying and hiding the drinking, and the gambling, are a huge part of the problem -- and why he is acting this way. In addition to the grief. He can see when other people need help, he has been to the program before and knows that hanging out with people who drink all the time isn't healthy for him.. but he is just completely locked down mentally.

I love him, I want to wait for him to get through this, but there is nothing I can do to even address it, because he found someone who doesn't care. I don't want to throw away our lives based on what I pray is a temporary situation. I don't know how to get him to even look at the wreckage the drinking and gambling is causing when he has people around him validating his behavior. Any thoughts from anyone regarding relapse and disaster after many many years of sobriety ? I am posting this in the divorce area too.


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## CallaLily

My advice to you, get yourself some help. Its all you can do. When your husband was attending AA meetings, diid you by chance go to any Alanon meetings? If not, you still should go. I would also suggest counseling for yourself.


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## chiben

you are in a tight spot. He has an addictive personality and every reason is making him to back to his addictions.
I feel like you are doing all you can in this relationship to help him and your marriage. Unless you can get him to get some counseling, I don't think you have much chance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

Let me make sure I have this part correct. 

You said he is seeing someone else, and plans on leaving you to go live with her. BUT yet you also say, he is still loving to you, says he loves you, you still have sex and watch tv together. 

And you love him and want to wait for him to get through this.


WHY? :scratchhead:


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## CallaLily

Anyone who had some self respect/self esteem would not tolerate this kind of thing to continue, period.


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## Chris Taylor

He certainly does have an addictive personality. You see it with the drugs, you see it with the drinking and you see it with the gambling.

Next you will see it with the cheating. The "high" he gets from finding a new sexual experience will continue and if you are still with him, it will be one more addiction you have to deal with. 

Move on while you can.

BTW - get yourself tested for STD's. Between the cheating and possible IV drug use(?) you are at risk.


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