# Sleep, Sleep, Sleep



## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

Hi

I need advice on how to deal with an issue in my marriage. My wife currently takes an ant-depressant, a mood stabilizer, and a ant- seizure medicine to counter act the mood stabilizer. I do not know if there is an exact diagnosis for what she has but she has issue with anxiety, obsession, etc. Anyway, I have a concern i'd some outside views on. 

I feel like my wife's meds are making us incompatible. On her meds her natural sleep cycle is something like 14 or 15 hours a day. When she is awake her behavior is pretty stable but rarely enthusiastic about anything. Our relationship also lacks sexually 

She has gone off the med before. When she did this she went cold turkey. She was energetic and happy until she broke down hard. She then went back on everything. This has happened twice

We recently had a conversation and she told me that her sleep cycle was not the result of depression. That she needed this much sleep and the reason was her meds. However, she is scared to change anything, she feels there is not a better alternative to what she takes and she cannot handle not being medicated. 

I feel like if I am to be happy and share my life with someone, that someone has to be my best friend and partner. I do not want to build my active, energetic life apart from my wife and i do not want to wallow with her but i do not know what to do. 

Any, advise or alternative perspective is welcome. thank you for reading


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Meds often need to be adjusted to get the right dose for a specific person. Your wife should have a lengthy discussion with her doctor about how she is reacting to them so that her doctor knows to try adjusting the doses. Going off the meds cold turkey is foolish and dangerous! Some of these drugs have serious withdrawal side effects, which is why people need to gradually lower their dose if they are trying to get off them. Your wife sounds like she is taking a bunch of meds without any medical supervision and advice - again, this is really, really foolish.

Meds usually shouldn't be the ONLY "solution" to a person's issues - there should also be therapy happening in order to deal with the symptoms of the illnesses, their patterns of behavior, and learning new ways to behave. Meds are not a cure.

Depression meds often cause a person's sex drive to dry up. Not all depression meds do this, so again, your wife should be talking with her doctor and telling him/her that the meds are killing her sex life and they need to try a different drug.

Sleeping 14-15 hours a day is not natural, and something else she should be explaining to her doctor.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Meds often need to be adjusted to get the right dose for a specific person. Your wife should have a lengthy discussion with her doctor about how she is reacting to them so that her doctor knows to try adjusting the doses. Going off the meds cold turkey is foolish and dangerous! Some of these drugs have serious withdrawal side effects, which is why people need to gradually lower their dose if they are trying to get off them. Your wife sounds like she is taking a bunch of meds without any medical supervision and advice - again, this is really, really foolish.
> 
> Meds usually shouldn't be the ONLY "solution" to a person's issues - there should also be therapy happening in order to deal with the symptoms of the illnesses, their patterns of behavior, and learning new ways to behave. Meds are not a cure.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your response. I agree, with everything in your post and while it may seem like common sense living in these situations can make you doubt your common sense. I guess my question is what should I do? I have expressed these same thoughts to her. Telling her what she has to does not feel like something that would be good for us and honestly I feel like I need to see her make some committed decisions for herself


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Does she object to talking with her doctor about her medicines and the effects? Why?

Does she object to therapy along with taking meds? Why?

What are her objections for not taking better care of her health, and for not taking control of her issues?


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Does she object to talking with her doctor about her medicines and the effects? Why?
> 
> Does she object to therapy along with taking meds? Why?
> 
> What are her objections for not taking better care of her health, and for not taking control of her issues?



I do not believe so. She seems to think that this is best possible combination and is very scared of messing with it 

She does see a therapist once a week in addition to her prescribing doctor. I have stronger encouraged her to take that relationship in a CBT direction and view his person more as a life coach. She does go. I think she does get something out of it but she does not often follow through with homework, exercises given

IDK I will tell you the reasons she gives, she is tried, she is doing the best she can, she is scared, she is overwhelmed, its too much...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Then I think you have to make a decision about when it's too much for you to accept. If she thinks the way things are now is fine, and she doesn't want to discuss her medications with her doctor, then she needs to understand that you don't agree with that and don't have to agree with that and don't have to stick around for that.

When would it be too much for you? When would you start considering leaving?


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Then I think you have to make a decision about when it's too much for you to accept. If she thinks the way things are now is fine, and she doesn't want to discuss her medications with her doctor, then she needs to understand that you don't agree with that and don't have to agree with that and don't have to stick around for that.
> 
> When would it be too much for you? When would you start considering leaving?




I am considering it. I am passed most of my anger, I am not sure that we are compatible. I feel as is I would have to be almost egoless.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> I am considering it. I am passed most of my anger, I am not sure that we are compatible. I feel as is I would have to be almost egoless.


Have you told her that? Have you spelled it out for her that your marriage is in serious trouble? If you have and she still chooses to take no action, then I think you have the answer you need.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Have you told her that? Have you spelled it out for her that your marriage is in serious trouble? If you have and she still chooses to take no action, then I think you have the answer you need.


In the past I have. I was also much more involved and trying so hard to lead her that I got hurt. I'm not sure what she sees right now. She is more stable, she chips in with house stuff more, maybe she thinks its a long road and she is on it. From my viewpoint we have been on it forever, and I need things to change. I guess your advise is to tell her this


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, absolutely. Be very clear how you feel. This is your life, too, and she needs to understand that your marriage is not just about her. If she chooses not to change anything, then she's essentially saying that she's fine with how things are and it isn't relevant to her that you are miserable. There's really nowhere to go after that. But it might wake her up if she knew how close you were to moving on.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

May I ask what her meds are, if you care to divulge?

Are any of her anxiety meds in the class known as *benzodiazpines* -- such as Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium, Tranxene, Librium, etc. (among dozens of others under different trade names?) And how about *Ambien?*

If so, you (and your wife) are in for a WORLD of HURT!!

VERY few people ever get off this class of drugs. It is evil BEYOND evil.

I feel qualified to speak to this, as I have known several people close to me try to get off of these for years without ANY success (do a Google search for "benzodiazepine withdrawal hell".) Also, my ex is a very well-known neurologist who REFUSES to prescribe ANY drugs in this psychotropic realm. The withdrawals are horrendous (far beyond opiates, heroin, cocaine, etc.) These drugs are meant to be used for 14 DAYS OR LESS. Most people are on them for YEARS thanks to their friendly prescribing docs 

If this class of drugs isn't an issue, sorry for the side track. If it is, I wish the very best for you. It ain't pretty.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> May I ask what her meds are, if you care to divulge?
> 
> Are any of her anxiety meds in the class known as *benzodiazpines* -- such as Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium, Tranxene, Librium, etc. (among dozens of others under different trade names?) And how about *Ambien?*
> 
> ...



I don't think so. She is on Lexapro, wellbutrin, lamictal, and klonopin (I think it klonopin- she only takes this when she is very anxious- its not an everyday med)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bathoffire said:


> I don't think so. She is on Lexapro, wellbutrin, lamictal, and *klonopin (I think it klonopin- she only takes this when she is very anxious- its not an everyday med)*


Klonopin is a killer!

bath... PLEASE make sure Klonopin doesn't become an EVERYDAY medication for her. Seriously. There is virtually NO coming off of this med if its long term. I speak from experience. It ruined the lives of two of my closest friends (one committed suicide during withdrawal of this evil medication.) Sorry to be so blunt.

Either way, she's on a wicked c*cktail of psychotropic drugs.

Read these:

Richards KLONOPIN ADDICTION Peronsal Story

benzo.org.uk - Stevie Nicks: "Klonopin - more deadly than coke"

America’s Most Dangerous Pill? Klonopin. | CCHR International


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I would like to say that klonopin saved my life! I know i will be on it for life, and I don't care as long as it works. I also never had to raise my dose, as this can lead to problems.

Maybe she should ask her pdoc if she should change the time she takes her meds. That has helped me in the past. You don't even know her dx? Her meds sound like Bipolar II, but you should ask her.
Why is she on two ADs? Wellbutrin gave me energy (and insomnia) but SSRIS made me sluggish and unmotivated. Try to tell her this is threatening your marriage, remember you can talk to her doc, although he can't give you any info, you can tell him/her what's going on. Good luck to you both!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

scatty said:


> I would like to say that klonopin saved my life! I know i will be on it for life, and I don't care as long as it works. I also never had to raise my dose, as this can lead to problems.


Glad it helped you scatty. I guess we have to agree to disagree.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

I'd like to add "going crazy" and the "mental hospital" for reasons my wife fears changing anything. I do not find these to be rational fears on her behave but she has told me that she fears losing it for real.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bof... I feel for you. I truly do.

Maybe your wife needs another psych evaluation to come off her meds and "start over" from scratch...

*Sometimes our greatest strength comes from within,* not from mind-altering drugs from shrinks who "know best"...


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Yes, absolutely. Be very clear how you feel. This is your life, too, and she needs to understand that your marriage is not just about her. If she chooses not to change anything, then she's essentially saying that she's fine with how things are and it isn't relevant to her that you are miserable. There's really nowhere to go after that. But it might wake her up if she knew how close you were to moving on.


how to i do this without fear or anger? I want to just me honest and see what happens


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bathoffire said:


> how to i do this without fear or anger? I want to just me honest and see what happens


Try writing down what you would want to say to her. Keep editing until it's accurate and what you want to convey. Then you can either give it to her, or say it.

Writing it down will help you clarify your thoughts, and the emotional part of it will be easier if it's written.

Another option is to start marriage counseling and communicate some of the harder things there in a "safe" environment with a professional to help.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Try writing down what you would want to say to her. Keep editing until it's accurate and what you want to convey. Then you can either give it to her, or say it.
> 
> Writing it down will help you clarify your thoughts, and the emotional part of it will be easier if it's written.


thank you Nora


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

thank you for your support. I spoke to my wife last night. I first asked her how she thought things we're with us

she said, she thought we having fun, getting along, but wondered if that was enough

I told her that for me it isn't. I also told her that things needed to be addressed if we were going to stay together b/c i don't think i can be truly happy with the way things are particularly if we don't even try to solve things that are of major concern to me. I told her i do miss what we had physically but i also missed feeling like she was my best friend and partner. Ask if she felt her energy levels effected her enthusiasm and zest for life. we spoke about meds and trying to do something about it

she said she knew sometimes you have to trade "tried" for not going crazy, and was scared that a change might lead to worse things.

I told her i think she needed at least open this dialog with her doctor and explore options. 

She said she was willing to do that but would perfer to wait for summer since she works at a school

I told her i don't think i can be comfortable with that, that she would have to make the decision herself, but that i need some resolution here. I think she understood that she needs to make a decision here 


anyway that is where we left it off


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm glad you were able to tell her how you feel, and that it seems she heard you. I hope, after giving it some thought, she decides to at least start the conversation with her doctor even if she doesn't make any med adjustments until school is out.


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## bathoffire (Oct 17, 2012)

OK it been a week since i talk to my wife and I feel like things are not going to change. I think she yesed me about making changing with regard to her health/sleep pattern and basically feels i should just deal with our lack of intimacy. I feel like she is not willing to try for what i need for us and i am expected just to deal with the way things are. I am thinking it is time to ask her for a divorce


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bath... I'm sorry things don't seem to be improving 

Perhaps your filing for divorce will be the wakeup call she needs to realize how unhappy you are with the situation. Under the circumstances, I would probably file too. I'm not sure what else you can do--you've tried talking until you're blue in the face and she's still not "getting it."

She wants to put it off until summer. When summer rolls around, she'll want to put it off until fall so as to not ruin a relaxing summer. When fall rolls around...well, you get it.

I wish the very best for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Bathoffire I feel your pain. Your story is very similar to mine. I have been here over 10 yrs waiting for a cure all med or doctor that can help my wife. I feel like I am just a babysitter at times. She has been seeing a therapist from time to time and that seems to help but can be tough with work. The last year or so its been a lot better but I still feel like I am more of a babysitter. I think sometimes I just feel bad for her and just keep all my needs and emotions inside.

My love life barely exists. Sex to her is bending over with her pants around her ancles and her shirt still on. I feel like I should give her a 50$ bill after for wasting her time. The only time she wants a kiss is when we are in public in front of a bunch of people kinda like she is saying hey people look at us we love each other so much... (I do love her sooo much and i think she loves me but her mental issues keep her very cold and distant) then we get home in the bedroom she is either eating10% or sleeping90% and too tired for any intimacy. We have talked many times and have told her "I can put up with a lot of sh*t if I am getting some action" but it never does much good. She says she it doing me a favor by keeping her clothes on so I don't have to look at her disgusting body. (She is size small in most stuff or a medium and 34D). If she only had any idea how much it sucks for me to have this amazing body I cant see or touch. Then people tell me its not her fault its just the way she is and it could be alot worse...WITCH IT COULD BE Anyways wish you the best of luck over there as you know depression can be very draining on a relationship. I am going to hang in here hoping for a miracle!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife realize that coming off the meds cold turkey is a major reason why she crashed so badly? It's a very bad thing to do.

Has she gotten a second opinion on all this? It sounds like she is way over medicated... like it would mess anyone up.

How is your wife's sleep? Does she snore? Does she seem to gasp for air while sleeping? Does her have a lot of leg movement during her sleep?


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