# Stress, Self Confidence and Sexuality - exploring their relationships?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Here lately I have been reading into topics about how stress effects sexuality and/or self confidence. I have an idea that stress may play a significant role with regards to the impact one's sexual self confidence over time. So here is a particular form of stress I want to explore:

_*Historically my wife often complained that I would become irritable and withdrawn after sex, perhaps for a day or so. It would not be until I was in the mood again that I would start being nice again which my wife often perceived as me just being manipulative for more sex.*_​​*How many people have experienced a comment or behavior similar to this in their marriage?* I have a theory that perhaps some LD people crave an emotional connection over and above a sexual one (regardless of an LD's capability to enjoy sex). In the event a sexual relationship interferes with an emotional connections immediately after sex, over the years a LD spouse may starve the relationship for sex in an attempt to have more of an emotional connection and stability with a spouse. At the same time the LD spouse may have his/her sexual self confidence completely eroded if an HD spouse tends to get irritable or withdrawn afterwards. 

There is some science that suggests that when certain people enjoy a sexual climax that the brain chemistry expends the totality of all the "feel good" chemicals such as dopamine. Afterwards there is somewhat of a chemical hangover while the body recovers which can result in irritability or the tendency to withdraw. Essentially someone in this state becomes more vulnerable to stress. If an additional sexual release is desired to sooth this stress, it can create a rather vicious cycle of being even more vulnerable to stress over time. 

So for the LD sex might be like eating a slice of cake and often feeling nauseated afterwards (due to the interrupted emotional connection to an HD spouse that gets irritable after sex). Yes the cake still tastes good, but over time one will learn to enjoy avoiding behaviors that can cause nausea. If this happens, then it can be very difficult to eat another slice of cake with confidence and enjoy it. 

Thoughts and thanks for the feedback?

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We are not irritable before or after. If anything we are both more flirty before and after. If Mrs. Married is ovulating then she is very joyfully pretty much asking for it.

However.... if I am in a bad mood or stressed or whatever.... I feel much better after sex.

Edit: massage is often a part of sex for us... as well as a shower.... foot rubbing.... blah blah blah. If your not relaxed after that stuff then it’s your own fault.

Edit #2 ....... If I had consistently bad sex with my wife... she would be very irritated! That is something some people need to consider!!!!


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Irritable... maybe not the right word. But way way way back in the day, sex left me exhausted. My eyes would be shot. And maybe, during that time, maybe I wasn't all me. Maybe I thought I was fine but could be to others I might have been irritable. But that's not been the case for at least 25 years. For my wife, different story, but not particularly relevant to this pole. After sex she might have been more resentful than she was before, but she did what she could to try and hide that. She's pushing through that now, and I'd say she's in a better mood after sex than before or during, simply because I feel so close to her after, and that comforts her.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Or maybe some people just don't want sex very often because they don't have that urge. Or don't want sex with their spouse very much if at all, because they don't enjoy having sex with them very often if at all.

As to being stressed and having sex, I think my wife and I qualify for having experienced plenty of day to day stress for many years.

Having as a couple experienced almost being killed together in a multiple casualty incident, being in a house fire, separation for weeks and months at a time through military service. Experiencing redundancy, sharing 9 different addresses through 24 years, surviving cancer. Having experienced making life and death decisions, and at times having been personally responsible for the safety and welfare of thousands of people. Blah, blah, blah, etc.

Plus the doozy of them all, having a teenage child with an awful mental illness, that has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. To the point that we are frequently on eggshells, dread the times that our child comes home from hospital. Are used to seeing horrific slashed arm and wrist wounds. While wondering when we will have to attend their funeral, through self harm going too far or from organ failure or from...

Yet with all of that stress inducing crap, we still enjoy sharing plenty of sex together and don't have sexual hangups or problems with it either before during or afterwards.

That said if we either of us didn't enjoy sharing sex together, I have no doubt that whoever isn't enjoying sharing that sex would want to avoid doing that together going forward very often if at all.

One can twist themselves into a pretzel all they like. Yet it is a fools errand to think that such efforts are likely to generate sexual desire from a spouse, who doesn't want to share much if any sex at all with them.

If you want to have a great sexual relationship @badsanta, you need to be with a sexual partner who actually wants to share sex with you. Of which I'll let you in on a secret, when a spouse often doesn't want to share sex with their partner, they actually don't really want to share much if any sex with them. And if sex feels like a chore...

Oh and by the way if sharing sex with someone makes therm feel nauseous, then they would do well to avoid having sex with the person that makes them nauseous.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Oh and by the way if sharing sex with someone makes therm feel nauseous, then they would do well to avoid having sex with the person that makes them nauseous.


I was using yummy junk food and subsequent nausea as a metaphor as a general attribute. There are well documented cases where people suffer from not feeling well for up to a few days after sex (regardless of who a partner is): 









Sex headaches - Symptoms and causes







www.mayoclinic.org





Here is a good article on how those with ADHD tend to get irritable after sex:









Can sex make your ADHD partner cranky?


Are ADHD adults more vulnerable to post-orgasm irritability? Given the dopamine drop-off? Let's examine the possibilities—and solutions.




adhdrollercoaster.org





...and some folks struggle with the sudden shift in hormones after sex









Why it’s normal to sometimes feel miserable after sex


The condition can make a person feel sad after consensual sex




www.independent.co.uk





While I do agree that it would be rather unappetizing to be in a relationship with someone that suffers from the above, it is interesting that there are likely some HD people out there that are unaware that they may have a tendency for the above. They may then later complain as to why a spouse starts to avoid sex.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I was using yummy junk food and subsequent nausea as a metaphor as a general attribute. There are well documented cases where people suffer from not feeling well for up to a few days after sex (regardless of who a partner is):


Uh huh, well if I felt nauseous or generally unwell after sharing sex all of the time, I would stop wanting to share sex with whoever I experienced that with as well. And if pain persists following going on test drives with other sexual partners, I would certainly consult a physician and (especially) a psychiatrist.

Seriously if sex and or its after effects continuously suck for you, it's probably a good idea for you to just stop doing it.

On the other hand if I ever find myself in a sexual relationship with someone who feels nauseous or generally unwell before, during or after sex with me. I will certainly solve that problem for them by having sex with other people, to save them from their malaise.


----------

