# Not Sure Where To Post This... Long Story



## JGC7881 (Feb 6, 2020)

Hi,

This is my first post here and I’m really just looking for some advice and a way to vent. This is a pretty long tale so I apologize if it runs on, but here goes...

My wife and I have been married for about 10 years now, together for 15. We have two young daughters ages 5 and 10, and for the most part we get along well and our sex life is good. We’d have our ups and downs like any other couple but got along for the most part, but about 4 years ago things started to unravel. My wife was working for a clothing company doing their payroll, and every guy that works there is gay (literally) and my wife became good friends with a few of them. Well fast forward to her friend Matt... he lost his job there and had nowhere to go, and my wife asked me if he could stay with us temporarily while he finds work and gets back on his feet. I was against it at first, but I figured it was good karma or whatever to help someone in need so I went along with it. I didn’t like him right away, he’d always be following my wife around like a lost dog and would vanish to the spare bedroom whenever I’d get home. I work the night shift so they’d be home together all night with the kids, but because he’s gay I didn’t think anything of it. Well I noticed that when I’d take my kids to school in the morning he’d still be in his room, and he wouldn’t come out till like 10am or later most days. Keep in mind he was supposed to be looking for work. So a few weeks went by like this and I didn’t notice any progress about his job hunting, and my wife would always make excuses for him. Well finally I “trusted my gut” and checked my wife’s Facebook messenger and noticed that she had been messaging him a lot, and in particular there were messages about how she “hadn’t had a workout like that in a long time” and that she was “surprised his nipples were still attached”, and it seemed to me like she was having an affair, although there was no real concrete evidence. I flew off the handle and messaged her demanding an explanation, and she claimed that he was an alcoholic and that one night he got completely wasted and she had to “wrestle him off the floor where he had passed out” and out of the living room before I got home. Her explanation seemed shaky at best so I went home and tossed his ass out of my home. Well that was that... or so I thought. Over the next year I’d catch her still keeping in contact with him even after I had forbid it, and it took nearly that long to finally get her to stop (I’m assuming... she might still be messaging him to this day for all I know).

And if that was all that happened then I wouldn’t be here haha... she ended up changing jobs to a stucco company working as their HR rep, and it’s literally 100% guys that work there. She was there for a few years (she still works there now) and I never really gave it any mind that she’d get so many texts from so many different dudes, because honestly it was always during work hours and like I said she’s the HR rep there. Well... about four months ago I was home on my lunch break (I work about 5 miles away so I come home for my 10pm break and we usually fool around), and before I left back for work I noticed she got a text. She was very guarded in how she responded to it, turning the phone away from me and trying to be sly, so the next day I checked the phone bill and it was an unfamiliar number. I asked her who sent the text and she told me it was just her friend Jessica, so then I told her that I knew that was a lie because I had Jessica’s number and it didn’t match the number on the phone bill. She finally admitted it was a coworker named Genaro and he just needed info about some job they were working on, but when I asked to see the texts she had conveniently erased them. Well fast forward about a week and I kept checking the phone bill, and I noticed that she’d text his number every day at around the same time. I should point out that this dude is a nobody there, so it’s not like he’s some higher up that needs constant contact with her. So I used her iPad and set it up to receive all of her texts so I could see wtf was being sent and received, and it ends up she was giving him a ride every morning to work. When I confronted her about it she lied again and said I was mistaken, but she had no choice but to admit it when I showed her the texts. There was nothing sexual in the texts, but I only saw a very small sample of them, and after checking the phone bill history there were literally thousands of texts between them dating back to early 2019. Yes.... thousands over the course of the year, some going on very late (like 12am or later). So I told her the rides to work stop and so do the text messages, and I sent him a message saying that I’d go to their work and rag doll his dumbass if the messages continued (he never responded).

So again... that should’ve been it, right? Nope, not quite. Earlier this month I had another “gut feeling” that something was amiss, so I gained access to her work email. In a folder marked “my stuff” there were emails she saved from March 2019 to and from a coworker named Johnny that’s no longer working there (he would work in the same office, he wasn’t a guy out in the field like Genaro), and in the emails she’s saying how much she misses him, and how she’d cry every morning since he left, stuff like that. Now again... there was nothing sexual written between them, but clearly she had an emotional attachment to him at the very least if she was crying about him being gone. I checked the phone bill for his number and there was nothing exchanged between them after March 2019, and those emails were also only for March. I confronted her about the emails and she flew off the handle that I accessed her emails, and then after calming down tried to say that the emails were “just a joke” she was playing on Johnny... yes, I’m serious. That pathetic excuse was the best she could come up with.

Okay... so here’s the final leg of this story (so far). She has another coworker named Hugo and he also works in the office with her. I know nothing is going on between them and we’ve always gotten along (at least THINK nothing is going on between them lol). So I sent Hugo a text this past Friday night asking him if he knew anything about my wife and Johnny or Genaro, and I told him that I’d help him out in return by letting him know who ratted on him (he got in trouble years back for embezzling money from the company, nothing major just a few thousand, but because he’s friends with one of the bosses he only had to pay it back, he didn’t get fired). Well apparently Hugo’s wife didn’t know that he had been embezzling funds years ago, and she read my text and is now leaving him. So he went crying to my wife about it and now she’s freaking out and wants to divorce me. I dunno... I feel bad for Hugo but the guy was a thief, so I do and I don’t feel for him.

But after years of her lying, after years of her acting shady, after all of this bull**** she wants to call it quits? If anyone should want out it’s me, but now I’m in the weird position of maybe playing peace maker here if I want to keep my marriage intact? And believe me... this long ass post I made? It’s just the cliff notes. There have been so many weird things I’ve found over the years, but I never left her because I never found anything sexual. I dunno... this is easily the strangest stage of my life, and part of me wants to stay together because I want to be with her still and I love my kids, and part of me is like “**** it... let’s just move on”.

So I’m not asking “what should I do” because I may not have a choice anyway if she carries out her divorce threat, but any input anyone could give me would be fantastic. My dad and friends have basically said she’s a liar and I should just get out. Thanks for reading this if you did, I appreciate any advice any of you may have.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Listen to your Dad and friends.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

I say let her divorce you - or better yet, you beat her to it and file first. This woman has a serious lack of boundaries, appears to not respect you or your marriage, and it's clear that she's had multiple emotional affairs, at least. And I'd bet more than one has gone physical. 

Side note - she's in HR and acting this way with coworkers?!?!?!? Jesus.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Give her what she wants. Both of you will be happier.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

There's lots of deception and inappropriate behavior in your story. While you can "move on" from this, that just means the future will be filled with new deceptions and inappropriate behaviors. I can only recommend staying together if you like this kind of drama. Even if nothing has happened so far, she's crossed many lines and it seems like just a matter of time and the right guy to come along for her to have an affair. 

I can understand wanting to stay together for your kids, but I'm not sure what kind of household they'll grow up in with their mom acting like this. I would think it would make for a tense home life. The young ages of your kids means they will likely deal okay with a divorce. Obviously it will be hard, but they will likely quickly adapt. If you wait until they are in their tweens and hit puberty, the effects can be more long-lasting.


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## JGC7881 (Feb 6, 2020)

ButtPunch said:


> Listen to your Dad and friends.


Believe me... I know that’s the best option. I know it’s terrible to admit but part of why we stay (or at least why I’ve stayed) is because we can’t afford to live where we’re at on one income. If we divorce then it means a crappier area for my kids. I can handle living in rougher areas, but I don’t want that life for my girls. But of course the other option is... stay with a compulsive liar who I don’t trust and who may have cheated on me. Ugh this is such crap...


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## JGC7881 (Feb 6, 2020)

cheapie said:


> I say let her divorce you - or better yet, you beat her to it and file first. This woman has a serious lack of boundaries, appears to not respect you or your marriage, and it's clear that she's had multiple emotional affairs, at least. And I'd bet more than one has gone physical.
> 
> Side note - she's in HR and acting this way with coworkers?!?!?!? Jesus.


Yes... I’ve called her out on how unprofessional her behavior is for an HR rep. And I really like to believe that she hasn’t had a physical affair but I’m no fool either, it’s very possible, even likely given her constant deception. When I told my dad about this he was very confident that she has cheated on me, but I tried to just brush it off because he’s a cynic by nature. But at this point nothing would surprise me. We’ll most likely end up divorced, she’s unable to be honest with me for whatever reason, and the last four years has been a real grind for me mentally.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JGC7881 said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is my first post here and I’m really just looking for some advice and a way to vent. This is a pretty long tale so I apologize if it runs on, but here goes...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for about 10 years now, together for 15. We have two young daughters ages 5 and 10, and for the most part we get along well and our sex life is good. We’d have our ups and downs like any other couple but got along for the most part, but about 4 years ago things started to unravel. My wife was working for a clothing company doing their payroll, and every guy that works there is gay (literally) and my wife became good friends with a few of them. Well fast forward to her friend Matt... he lost his job there and had nowhere to go, and my wife asked me if he could stay with us temporarily while he finds work and gets back on his feet. I was against it at first, but I figured it was good karma or whatever to help someone in need so I went along with it. I didn’t like him right away, he’d always be following my wife around like a lost dog and would vanish to the spare bedroom whenever I’d get home. I work the night shift so they’d be home together all night with the kids, but because he’s gay I didn’t think anything of it. Well I noticed that when I’d take my kids to school in the morning he’d still be in his room, and he wouldn’t come out till like 10am or later most days. Keep in mind he was supposed to be looking for work. So a few weeks went by like this and I didn’t notice any progress about his job hunting, and my wife would always make excuses for him. Well finally I “trusted my gut” and checked my wife’s Facebook messenger and noticed that she had been messaging him a lot, and in particular there were messages about how she “hadn’t had a workout like that in a long time” and that she was “surprised his nipples were still attached”, and it seemed to me like she was having an affair, although there was no real concrete evidence. I flew off the handle and messaged her demanding an explanation, and she claimed that he was an alcoholic and that one night he got completely wasted and she had to “wrestle him off the floor where he had passed out” and out of the living room before I got home. Her explanation seemed shaky at best so I went home and tossed his ass out of my home. Well that was that... or so I thought. Over the next year I’d catch her still keeping in contact with him even after I had forbid it, and it took nearly that long to finally get her to stop (I’m assuming... she might still be messaging him to this day for all I know).


No. That explanation makes zero rational sense, nor does it make sense why she wouldn't have told you this before it happened.

Means, motive, and opportunity. She certainly had the means and opportunity. Your gut says she may have a motive.

My read? Something happened that wasn't picking him up off the carpet.



> And if that was all that happened then I wouldn’t be here haha... she ended up changing jobs to a stucco company working as their HR rep, and it’s literally 100% guys that work there. She was there for a few years (she still works there now) and I never really gave it any mind that she’d get so many texts from so many different dudes, because honestly it was always during work hours and like I said she’s the HR rep there. Well... about four months ago I was home on my lunch break (I work about 5 miles away so I come home for my 10pm break and we usually fool around), and before I left back for work I noticed she got a text. She was very guarded in how she responded to it, turning the phone away from me and trying to be sly, so the next day I checked the phone bill and it was an unfamiliar number. I asked her who sent the text and she told me it was just her friend Jessica, so then I told her that I knew that was a lie because I had Jessica’s number and it didn’t match the number on the phone bill. She finally admitted it was a coworker named Genaro and he just needed info about some job they were working on, but when I asked to see the texts she had conveniently erased them. Well fast forward about a week and I kept checking the phone bill, and I noticed that she’d text his number every day at around the same time. I should point out that this dude is a nobody there, so it’s not like he’s some higher up that needs constant contact with her. So I used her iPad and set it up to receive all of her texts so I could see wtf was being sent and received, and it ends up she was giving him a ride every morning to work. When I confronted her about it she lied again and said I was mistaken, but she had no choice but to admit it when I showed her the texts. There was nothing sexual in the texts, but I only saw a very small sample of them, and after checking the phone bill history there were literally thousands of texts between them dating back to early 2019. Yes.... thousands over the course of the year, some going on very late (like 12am or later). So I told her the rides to work stop and so do the text messages, and I sent him a message saying that I’d go to their work and rag doll his dumbass if the messages continued (he never responded).


Means, motive, and opportunity. It looks like in this case, she had all three. So you're now in a strike 2 situation.



> So again... that should’ve been it, right? Nope, not quite. Earlier this month I had another “gut feeling” that something was amiss, so I gained access to her work email. In a folder marked “my stuff” there were emails she saved from March 2019 to and from a coworker named Johnny that’s no longer working there (he would work in the same office, he wasn’t a guy out in the field like Genaro), and in the emails she’s saying how much she misses him, and how she’d cry every morning since he left, stuff like that. Now again... there was nothing sexual written between them, but clearly she had an emotional attachment to him at the very least if she was crying about him being gone. I checked the phone bill for his number and there was nothing exchanged between them after March 2019, and those emails were also only for March. I confronted her about the emails and she flew off the handle that I accessed her emails, and then after calming down tried to say that the emails were “just a joke” she was playing on Johnny... yes, I’m serious. That pathetic excuse was the best she could come up with.


Crying over a coworker every morning and emailing him to tell him that?

Listen, man. I've hired and fired literally hundreds of people. I've had coworkers get fired. 

And yes, I've seen people tear up when their work friends get fired. Hell, I've teared up in private on occasion. But every morning? Nah. Doesn't happen. Emailing them how much they miss them every day? Doesn't happen.

Unless those feelings are more than missing a friend at work - because there is nothing stopping them from still being friends outside of work. He's not dead, he's just not next to her every day. Which is clearly her problem here.

So, strike 3.



> Okay... so here’s the final leg of this story (so far). She has another coworker named Hugo and he also works in the office with her. I know nothing is going on between them and we’ve always gotten along (at least THINK nothing is going on between them lol). So I sent Hugo a text this past Friday night asking him if he knew anything about my wife and Johnny or Genaro, and I told him that I’d help him out in return by letting him know who ratted on him (he got in trouble years back for embezzling money from the company, nothing major just a few thousand, but because he’s friends with one of the bosses he only had to pay it back, he didn’t get fired). Well apparently Hugo’s wife didn’t know that he had been embezzling funds years ago, and she read my text and is now leaving him. So he went crying to my wife about it and now she’s freaking out and wants to divorce me. I dunno... I feel bad for Hugo but the guy was a thief, so I do and I don’t feel for him.


This one is on you. Super bad call here, chum. 



> But after years of her lying, after years of her acting shady, after all of this bull**** she wants to call it quits? If anyone should want out it’s me, but now I’m in the weird position of maybe playing peace maker here if I want to keep my marriage intact? And believe me... this long ass post I made? It’s just the cliff notes. There have been so many weird things I’ve found over the years, but I never left her because I never found anything sexual. I dunno... this is easily the strangest stage of my life, and part of me wants to stay together because I want to be with her still and I love my kids, and part of me is like “**** it... let’s just move on”.
> 
> So I’m not asking “what should I do” because I may not have a choice anyway if she carries out her divorce threat, but any input anyone could give me would be fantastic. My dad and friends have basically said she’s a liar and I should just get out. Thanks for reading this if you did, I appreciate any advice any of you may have.


You're married to someone that has shown you over and over again that she has poor boundary control and shady behaviour.

You're still married to her though, and instead of confronting the issue head on, you cut backroom deals with shady people to try to get them to spill the beans on your wife. Not exactly ethical behaviour yourself.

So what I'm saying is that you both seem to have problems with dealing with things in a straightforward way, and with integrity. So my response to you is first and foremost, sort your own **** out. You're not clean here. Figure that out.

And after you do that, figure out why you've chosen to be in this marriage after all this, because either you like drama, or you like being married to someone with poor boundaries. In either case, you have a decision to make: stay in essentially an open marriage, or don't.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I can relate to what your story

Now, I don't know your state or divorce laws, but you have a future to think about. Your wife doesn't love you like a wife needs to love a husband.

Read that again, because when it sets in, that will help. It did for me anyway.

You can grieve the loss of the good years and the good things, but can you live with her doing whatever she wants when she wants? That's who she is now, and leopards rarely change spots once those spots come to the surface IMO.

Make decisions that benefit you and your kids etc because this is important - nobody wins in divorces, you simply try to come through the best you can and she's going to do the same.


"We’ll most likely end up divorced, she’s unable to be honest with me for whatever reason, and the last four years has been a real grind for me mentally."

brother, it took me 9 months only, I cannot imagine suffering 4 years of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JGC7881 I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity. Because your wife is a long term/long time cheater.

Get yourself checked out for STDs, consider having the children DNA tested. This is to make your wife realise exactly how much damage she has caused.

And get initial free consultations with as many of the best divorce lawyers as you can manage to stop your wife getting them on her side, should it come to a divorce.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> My wife was working for a clothing company doing their payroll, and every guy that works there is gay (literally) and my wife became good friends with a few of them. .... Over the next year I’d catch her still keeping in contact with him even after I had forbid it, and it took nearly that long to finally get her to stop (I’m assuming... she might still be messaging him to this day for all I know).


Why are you so sure that "literally every guy who works there is gay"? She has proven that she is untrustworthy and this doesn't sound like a gay guy. Instead, it sounds like you (unknowingly) let her BF move into your house. They even got to play family, how fun! Saying a guy is gay is an easy way to try to hide an affair or shady behavior. There is no chance in hell you'd let him move in if he wasn't gay - I hope. In most cases, a wife would not risk throwing away her marriage for a (gay) friend. A (straight/bi) "friend" is a different story. The story your wife gave you is absolute BS and doesn't even make sense. Was she picking him up by his nipples? Good lord. Just a tip, if your wife is working out with some guy, there is a good chance she is also getting an extra work out in. Ask me how I know. 



> And if that was all that happened then I wouldn’t be here haha... she ended up changing jobs to a stucco company working as their HR rep, and it’s literally 100% guys that work there. She was there for a few years (she still works there now) and I never really gave it any mind that she’d get so many texts from so many different dudes, because honestly it was always during work hours and like I said she’s the HR rep there.


Even if that was all that happened, you should be here. That gay story is total BS, imo.

So, I get that she is in HR but I can't see why she would be getting so many texts from guys and so often. What could they possibly need HR for on a daily/frequent basis? And even if they were HR texts (which usually wouldn't be done by text), she certainly wouldn't be deleting them. Your wife's behavior says everything that you need to know. If she had nothing to hide, she would hide nothing. I'm willing to bet that all of those "HR" texts had very little to do with work. I highly doubt she was just giving him a ride every morning. Well, maybe giving him a ride in another way. 

Don't threaten people or act on that, unless you want to end up behind bars while the other guy is sleeping in your bedroom. 



> Earlier this month I had another “gut feeling” that something was amiss, so I gained access to her work email. In a folder marked “my stuff” there were emails she saved from March 2019 to and from a coworker named Johnny that’s no longer working there (he would work in the same office, he wasn’t a guy out in the field like Genaro), and in the emails she’s saying how much she misses him, and how she’d cry every morning since he left, stuff like that.


She's crying because BF #?? (who bloody knows) isn't there for her to continue her EA (at least) with. I've fired/let go plenty of people and I've watched plenty of people be fired/let go. Yes, sometimes there are tears but it lasts an hour or maybe a day and then it's done. No one is crying every day because Susan in accounting was fired a month ago. As soon as they are out the door it's almost like they never existed. Actually not true, there was one woman who cried for at least a month because a guy was transferred to Australia. Turns out she was banging him, so... 



> Well apparently Hugo’s wife didn’t know that he had been embezzling funds years ago, and she read my text and is now leaving him. So he went crying to my wife about it and now she’s freaking out and wants to divorce me. I dunno... I feel bad for Hugo but the guy was a thief, so I do and I don’t feel for him.


I wouldn't give a single **** about Hugo and his wife. Seems like your wife likes to hang out with dishonest people. You are who your friends are... Your wife's reaction to that is over the top. Clearly her loyalties lie with other men, not her husband. Your wife is trying to protect someone and it's not you. I wouldn't be surprised if she is/was having an affair with this guy too. 



> But after years of her lying, after years of her acting shady, after all of this bull**** she wants to call it quits? If anyone should want out it’s me, but now I’m in the weird position of maybe playing peace maker here if I want to keep my marriage intact? And believe me... this long ass post I made? It’s just the cliff notes. There have been so many weird things I’ve found over the years, but I never left her because I never found anything sexual. I dunno... this is easily the strangest stage of my life, and part of me wants to stay together because I want to be with her still and I love my kids, and part of me is like “**** it... let’s just move on”.


If she wants to leave, let her leave. Don't fight it or beg. If anyone should be begging, it is her. There is no chance of making your marriage work if she doesn't want to be in it. Marriages can and do recover from infidelity, but there doesn't seem to be a remorseful bone in her body. She got caught and not she wants to cut and run. 

If you do want to try and make things work, I'm not one to judge, but you have to have something to work with. You could tell her that you would like to try (and it's a lot of work), but if she's not on board with that then it's game over. If you do try to reconcile, your current marriage is still over. That is now your old marriage and it is dead. Now you have to start building a new marriage together. It will never be "the way it was" or go back to feeling how it used to. Is it worth it? Only you can decide. For me, it was. For others, it's not. 

You can love your kids and be divorced. It is not one or the other. Staying "for the kids" rarely works out well. Keep in mind, your kids are watching you and they pick up on more than you realize. If you have a bad marriage, that will look normal to them and most likely will be what THEIR marriages look like. They deserve to have two happy parents and live in a happy home. They are better off being from a "broken home" than living in one. 

For the record, affairs don't have to be sexual to be affairs. Emotional affairs can be just as, or more, devastating to a marriage. 



> So I’m not asking “what should I do” because I may not have a choice anyway if she carries out her divorce threat, but any input anyone could give me would be fantastic. My dad and friends have basically said she’s a liar and I should just get out. Thanks for reading this if you did, I appreciate any advice any of you may have.


Actually, "what should I do" is a very good question. You DO have choices, maybe just not the ones you wanted to be making. You can either choose to keep playing by her rules, or you can start looking out for you.

One of the first things you are going to want to do is get an STD test. Maybe she has had physical affairs, maybe she hasn't. Either way, she has proven that she is unreliable and untrustworthy so it really doesn't matter. For your own health, please get checked for STD's.

See at least one lawyer and get an opinion. Getting a second opinion is always a good idea too. Seeing a lawyer does NOT mean you have decided to divorce. It means you are looking at your options, being prepared and looking out for you (and by extension, your kids). Even filing for divorce, if that is something you choose to do, is not final. You can file for divorce and later change your mind before the divorce is finalized. I did. Most lawyers will do free consultations. It will help you know where you stand and what your options are, if you end up needing them. Being prepared is always a good idea and there can be a bit of comfort in having less in the "unknown". Your wife will not be allowed to use any lawyers that you have a consultation with, but keep in mind, purposely using up all the lawyers in your city could get you into trouble or look bad to a judge.

You do not need to rush to a decision right now, but you do need to look out for yourself. Don't wait for your wife to make a move. If she wants to divorce, then treat her as such.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Your wife requires, and needs the attention of more men. And nothing you can do to change this. I don't know why you think this is blindsiding you, she's been doing this your whole marriage. You just don't want to accept this.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You deserve much better than you're getting from her. If you're going to make excuses about why you can't split, just live with it. Those are your only two options as I see them.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't have much to say, pretty standard cheater behavior and deception, you should know what to do

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

It sounds like your wife works in a cess pool of toxic men. 

With respect to Hugo, you did not intend to 'out' him to his wife (although IMO he should have told her himself) so the fallout from his wife was not intentional.

Among other characteristics, your wife's behavior is driven by: selfishness, entitlement, deceitfulness, and a lack of empathy for you.
When someone shows you over and over 'who' they are - believe them.

Your wife is a serial cheater (and the office is her playground). IMO, your wife isn't threatening divorce because you unintentionally exposed Hugo as a thief.

Her aggressive response is a typical strategy for a cheater when confronted - she's threatening divorce to misdirect & discourage your investigation into her workplace affairs.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

The issue here is not Hugo but your wife’s behavior. Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife has failed. Since she destroyed your trust, it’s 100% up to her to do whatever you need to rebuild trust and also to make herself a safe partner.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D. First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary). 

Read up on the 180 process. It’s purpose is to give you space (protect you emotionally) so you can regain your emotional equilibrium and make a reasoned decision. Among other things send a message that you are serious: DNA your kids, get tested for STDs, see an attorney, separate your bank accounts, change your life insurance.

She must change jobs and go NC with all the men she worked with. (non negotiable)

Insist on a timeline (subject to a polygraph test). Why? First, psychologically writing it all down converts their romantic memories of the affair into the ugly reality of betrayal/infidelity. Second, you can’t forgive or truly grant the gift of R until you know what happened. Third, the prospect of a polygraph saves time. Once you confront a cheater they go into self-protect mode and: only disclose what you already know, lie, minimize, withhold information, and often attack you for not trusting them (or spying on them). It doesn’t matter if you believe that polygraphs are accurate (only that the cheater believes you do).

Do not reveal your sources of information (she will learn to hide better) nor this forum (this is your safe place).


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Your wife doesn't care about your kids having to move to another neighborhood? How does she explain that?

You have made excuse after excuse over why you have not divorced her. 

I would have kicked her out after the first incident. 

Here are some steps to take:

1. *Visit a lawyer.* Find out your options. Filing for divorce is a long process. You can call it off if she gets her head out of her ass. How you will know that, with that liar, is beyond me.

2. *STD test.* With her, nothing is out of the question.

3. *DNA the kids.* With her, nothing is out of the question.

4. *Start practicing the "180". *Here's a link. Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

5. *Your actions with Hugo, and hers generally, leave a lot to be desired.* You both need IC (individual counseling).


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Save yourself a massive amount of emotional energy and grief. Not only do you allow her to leave, but you ghost her as she's doing it. Think highly of yourself and you will feel better about your future and your past.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

She’s playing chicken with you. She wants a Divorce but comes to shove she’ll back out and want to R. 
If I was you, I would run for the hills. My ExW did the same crap. And had the audacity to blame shift.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you want to live your life as a doormat? Ask her for a polygraph


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

JGC7881, how are you doing? It's been awhile since your last post. How can we help you get over what has been your marriage? I know it hard reading all of these responses, that are opposite of what you want. 

But, there's a reason for the sharp responses, to nudge you through what must be done. Because your wife has told you the truth of what she desires. And yes the truth can sometimes hurt.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother time to let her D. Too much disrespect over a extended period of time, EA and most likely PA.
Buffer


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Take my word for it JGC, Hugo's wife ain't divorcing him over his past embezzlement and yours ain't divorcing you over accidentally outing Hugo. And yes, your wife has had quite a few workouts with other guys. The A-hole you stupidly let move in probably liked having his nipples roughed up. And his nipples is likely not the only thing she was surprised is still attached.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

cheapie said:


> I say let her divorce you - or better yet, you beat her to it and file first. This woman has a serious lack of boundaries, appears to not respect you or your marriage, and it's clear that she's had multiple emotional affairs, at least. And I'd bet more than one has gone physical.
> 
> Side note - she's in HR and acting this way with coworkers?!?!?!? Jesus.


She's the morale officer:wink2:.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Marriages built on mutual love, truth, and trust are the ones that usually last.

You have none of those essential ingredients.

Time to call an end to this farce.


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