# Mutual Friends.... is it just me or is it hard as hell???



## Shelly29

so either Im in a way ****ty mood or something is off with this.... with our mutual guy friends after the divorce i know some guys stayed friends with him and there fore respected it and backed off....my girlfriends (whom i have just a couple i truely trusted) have my back (all know the details and what a narcissistic coward my ex was when he left) i have one girlfriends who just recetly, and thanks to the wonders of facebook became "friends" with my ex's girlfriend, whom if i can vent is 23, which makes me feel old! sniff. Now mind you I have had her back when **** hit the fan with her, her break up with her fiance, issues with boy friends, date rape etc etc.....well I am not surehow to take this but i was and am furious with her choice to be friends with her and hang out.... I told her once before that i might be a bit selfish but when i have my girls back, its thick or thin and I expect the same in return and in my case if a girlfriend or any friend chose to be better frieds with him than me, I didnt wat to have to fight for them and don't need those people in my life....

Am i over-reacting or do i have the right to be a bit selfish in the friends i choose to trust and want in my circle? I feel like i cant trust her and i duno what else she has been doing or how ofte she hangs out with them and really doesnt hang out with me. Im to the point where I want to cut her off, end the friendship, i dont feel this is all worth it and hate hurting and having that reminder of why he left and for who....


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## CLucas976

The key word in this is "Mutual."

I don't buy into the "my girls" vs "the boys" nonsense. If this person was friends with both of you previously, then why now would she not be friends with both of you?

I have plenty of friends who have hurt others, had horrible relationship situations, done wrong to people, but I do not discredit either side. It is not MY business, it takes two.

My husband and I had many mutual friends. They still talk to both of us. I don't get angry at them, it doesn't bother me, and it shouldn't. I am still friends with some of my buddies ex's as well, and, I even can talk to their currents. The only people who took any sides were the people who were solely MY friends before hand or during. Our mutual friends have even hung out with stbx and his new 17yr old toy. you have to remember mutual means they are BOTH of your friend. I wouldn't even ask that of anyone.


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## Jellybeans

Shelly... I wrote you the same day you posted this however my post didn't show up. Weird. 

I know it sucks to have your friends being friends with the enemy (lol) but ya know what... they have a right to do waht they want. 

If you want to, you can tell your friend "I would appreciate if you didn't share any of their news with me as this is still new and raw for me. Thank you." If your friend is true, they will respect that. And then you can go on fantasizing about throwing steel tortillas at the enemy an dhis enemy skank. (I think you said enemy skank works at a mexican restaurant?)


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## Shelly29

Jellybeans, I did tell her how i felt an left it up to her to try and see things through my perspective or how i feel.... I think all this past week I had the low and was feeling like i was being "replaced" in y friends world by a 23 yr old hottie so it got to me. I know its all just filler and I know the more time goes by the indifferent I will feel, but this being so soon hits me hard.

and yes I can totally fantasize about the tortillas, and prob throwi em at him too! lol


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## Cooper

"Am i over-reacting or do i have the right to be a bit selfish in the friends i choose to trust and want in my circle?"

The short answer to your question is yes, you can choose who you have as friends. Do you have the right to choose her friends? No. 

The relationship your ex has with mutual friends is totally different than the relationship you had with him during the marriage. I don't know your specifics but unless he was doing really bad stuff and people lost respect for him most friends are still going to be friends. 


Before you cut "your girlfriend" loose put yourself in her place. If she wants to be friends with your ex than the new people in his life are going to be a part of that. If she clicks with his new girlfriend there's not much you can do about it. But keep in mind a couple facebook post doesn't mean they're best friends. 

A lot also depends on your friends personality, if she's a big gossip or loves to generate drama than you may want to back off. If she is telling you things about your ex and his new girl than she is probably telling your ex about you and your life. You can ask her to be discreet but can you really trust her? If you truly trust her than you need to except the fact that she will have other friends, and you can't choose them for her.


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## Shelly29

Cooper said:


> "Am i over-reacting or do i have the right to be a bit selfish in the friends i choose to trust and want in my circle?"
> 
> The short answer to your question is yes, you can choose who you have as friends. Do you have the right to choose her friends? No.
> 
> The relationship your ex has with mutual friends is totally different than the relationship you had with him during the marriage. I don't know your specifics but unless he was doing really bad stuff and people lost respect for him most friends are still going to be friends.
> 
> 
> Before you cut "your girlfriend" loose put yourself in her place. If she wants to be friends with your ex than the new people in his life are going to be a part of that. If she clicks with his new girlfriend there's not much you can do about it. But keep in mind a couple facebook post doesn't mean they're best friends.
> 
> A lot also depends on your friends personality, if she's a big gossip or loves to generate drama than you may want to back off. If she is telling you things about your ex and his new girl than she is probably telling your ex about you and your life. You can ask her to be discreet but can you really trust her? If you truly trust her than you need to except the fact that she will have other friends, and you can't choose them for her.


I totally get you Cooper and i uderstand that, thats why its hard, because I know i ca't and don't want to make her choose, because that is unfair and i know that, but at the same time there is just something (and because of how my marriage ended) I don't know if for 1. my ex is sincere about wanting to hang out with her, since they only did a couple times to go boarding....but besides that nothing much. or if he is now looking for more of a friendship with her. the day i posted this i was in a super low.... just running around in my hamster wheel of emotions .... but how she decides to hadle this situation will determine if I can fully trust her and have her be a fried or not.... like you said, the fact that she has told me about hanging out with them and little things like that leads me to belive that there might have been more times hanging out together and also that she talks to him about me, which i totally don't want or like!


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## Jellybeans

Tell her you would prefer if she doesn't share things about you/your life with him/them. 

I understand you feel hurt but the thing is, your friends are going to make their own decisions on who to be friends with. As long as she's not slagging you to them and/or talking about how great things are for them to you, it should be ok. (Well, not that you will feel great about it) but as long as she isn't betraying you personally, it sucks but you will have to deal with it.


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