# Joy!



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My elder son said the other day that he wants to come over here to spend Christmas with me. I’ve just wrote and told him that it would be fabulous to have him here and would mean one heck of a lot to me. And as I was writing I came over so very emotional and actually had water in my eyes.

I think it’s because I feel so betrayed by my stbx and younger son. The way they have spoken about me between themselves is really quite unbelievable and I know my stbxw over the past nearly two years of our separation has been hacking away at my elder son as well. And this from the woman who said of her own volition that she’d never try and turn her sons against their father. I thought on occasions that she’d actually managed to turn my elder son and I’m often quite paranoid about it. But him saying he wants to come over for Christmas is the biggest sign for me that he hasn’t been turned and that brought me so much joy and hence I think the emotion and water in my eyes.

When we’d separated and I found out my wife was having a go about me to our eldest son I so much wanted to defend myself and attack her. But I sought advice here on TAM and the overriding advice was to stay above it all. To not defend myself and to not attack my wife with my son. It’s worked folks and a very big thank you to all those that helped me. What a fabulous place this is. My younger son is lost to me we are estranged. I still have my elder son and that means the world to me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

That is awesome news AFEH, what a great Christmas gift!


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

My mom left me when I was 4, my dad couldnt take care of me so he send me to his parents (my grandparents). He took care of me financially but never came to visit. I couldn't forgive my dad that he left me. When my son was born I understood what does it mean to be a father. So from now on I spend every New Year with my dad. When your son becomes a father he will realize what he did was wrong.
Good luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Glad to hear Bob!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bob, great news!

I also suspect your youngest will also come around. In time. Just always put yourself out there for him if you can.....don't become too estranged.

I came around with my dad. My mom used to kick the crp out of us. My dad, never raised a hand against us, ever. Never. Ever. I should have respected this. Instead, I blamed him too. Maybe for not stopping the beatings. I don't even know anymore. But I was always distant with him. Not wanting to spend time with him, ever. Even when our kids were born.

Slowly, over the last year, I've been trying to associate with him more personably. More invites to see the kids, his grandchildren. More coffees at the house, to play crib. 

Then something strange happened this weekend. I had a project to build a pergola in the yard. My dad offered to help. I agreed. He's a master carpenter....retired...and still loves doing that work. Plus, his knowledge is awesome to take advantage of. Well, we started working on this project. Small talk at first. How to start. Where to put these boards. How high. What direction. Then, all of a sudden...we just wernt talking anymore. We just got iinto this groove where we each knew what the intentions of each other were. Synchronous, almost. That's when I stopped and looked at him, and realized that, yes, he was my father. We were the same. The same blood. The same way of thinking. Father and son. It was a bit like an obvious epiphany.

Plus, my dad had a blast. I just need to think of something else to make now...lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

LexusNexus said:


> My mom left me when I was 4, my dad couldnt take care of me so he send me to his parents (my grandparents). He took care of me financially but never came to visit. I couldn't forgive my dad that he left me. When my son was born I understood what does it mean to be a father. So from now on I spend every New Year with my dad. When your son becomes a father he will realize what he did was wrong.
> Good luck.


It sounds like you are doing well even given your background. It’s Good. It’s good that you’re spending time with your dad for both of you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Bob, great news!
> 
> I also suspect your youngest will also come around. In time. Just always put yourself out there for him if you can.....don't become too estranged.
> 
> ...


It is doing things together that bonds you. That’s how bonding happens. Keep up with the projects. And especially in your dads later years as that’s when many lose their sense of value and accomplishment! It will do him the world of good.

My two sons are exceptionally different. Younger son is a very talented artist, lyricist etc. but hasn’t a penny to his name, never in a LTR and lives with his mother even in his mid 30s, elder son two homes, car, long term partners etc. I was “hoping” that when I’d separated from my wife that it would “free up” my younger son, he’s always been between us, his mother’s fault. But then he went and lived with her. I tried for years to have an honest and open relationship with him but in the end just gave up because the constant rejection wasn’t doing me any good at all.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

Your younger son sounds like my cousin. I think your younger son is unhappy with something in his life, and he found a person to blame for. Which is you. I am probably wrong, but thats how my cousin. He always blame his father for everything.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Glad to hear this good news.
Are the two brothers close?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bob,

Congrats.

Richly deserved.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Bob,
> 
> Congrats.
> 
> Richly deserved.


I tried “doing and saying nothing” and it worked quite a bit. Sort of took my self out of the equation and just watched/observed. My elder son, based on this, said I’d changed?! First time I did it with my younger son he came round the table and put his head in my lap and said dad you are listening. Goodness knows what’s going on. Maybe I’m motor mouth. Probably.

I miss my wife but sometimes life’s sh!te.

Bless you Conrad


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

4sure said:


> Glad to hear this good news.
> Are the two brothers close?


Elder son says his younger brother is depressed and he wants to help him. They’ve not been really close ever since when. It’s sad but elder brother full of compassion and wants to help younger brother.


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