# Date set, nervous as hell



## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I had to just pick a date and go for it. Mister is being served on the 16th. I plan on taking the girls to my dad's when he is served, and blocking his number temporarily while he cools down. I will ask his mom and cousin to come over that evening to give him support right after he is served. Nobody in his family knows because they all have big mouths. I've let a few trusted people know, and my co-workers are on standby in cast things go really wrong. 

My terms are this:
He keeps all of his guns, 401k, tackle, furniture, appliances, cash, truck, boats, jewelry, camper, and all the tools. I don't want to take anything of his. No allimony/maintenance, and he pays minimum child support of $979, which I feel is too high. I was hoping to petition for $600 but was told "NO" by literally everyone. But he will only have 2 years on the older girl at least. His schedule with them will be every other weekend, plus one-on-one time with each during the week, 2 weeks over summer, Father's day no matter whose weekend it is, 4th of July no matter what (its his favorite holiday) and Christmas Eve, plus 'any other times as agreed upon when scheduled in advance.' I also wrote up that taking them during hunting season is optional because nobody exists to him from Oct to Nov anyway. 

I keep the house and of course assume all of the burden, but wrote up that I will give him 40% of the equity if I ever sell. The market is a high sellers market, but where does one go if the rest of the houses are super expensive? I can afford the payment and its better for the girls to stay in their home. The only items I'm requesting to keep are my car, stock trailer, pistol, 401k, animals, and the bedroom furniture set. 

Does this sound fair? I have no interest in being greedy and the 40% more than makes up the difference in value of our stuff being split, but will continue to grow. Although there's quite a bit of equity in the house, I don't care to sell it. 

He has a piece of property ready for a manufactured home of park model. (He owned it before we were married). Shop, well, and septic are already there. But he really needs to just live with his mom. He still pays her to do his laundry. 

I am scared of the reaction. I really don't think he has a clue whats coming. But it has to end. His actions towards me have put in a dark state and has affected how I work and my overall enjoyment in life. 

I just want peace.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't see how that equity split on the house is going to work. But I'm no money expert. 
It's a good starting place. A place to negotiate from. It is going to take him weeks to catch up. 
You really have been very thoughtful to him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You've done a great job in the preparations. Good for you, rest easy a little on the facts that you are ready, and your plans are good

Dont give in on anything, be strong, you can do it!

Best of luck,

RR


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have the house appraised and set the 40% at today's appraised value. There is no reason he should be entitled to 40% of increased equity which you will be 100% contributing. Who will be paying for the children's health insurance and extracurricular activities? College? Phones, cars etc?


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Have the house appraised and set the 40% at today's appraised value. There is no reason he should be entitled to 40% of increased equity which you will be 100% contributing. Who will be paying for the children's health insurance and extracurricular activities? College? Phones, cars etc?


I valued all our stuff and had a real estate agent give me an 'as is' market value on the house. That's where I came up with that percentage because of the equity. I guess I'm trying to sweeten the deal for him so he can't come back and say I'm being greedy. And my portion will grow with time as well. 

Kids stuff will come out of child support. I don't plan on relying on that too heavily for everyday expenses, but letting it just build up. I pay for all that stuff now anyway and we have sponsors for horse activities. 

He doesn't pay premiums for his health insurance, but I do. We both dump money into our HSA cards. I never thought about medical expenses until now. Thanks for bringing that up. 

We don't believe in college funds.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bear in mind that logic will at some point be abandoned from his side.

When that happens don't react, just keep doing what you're doing. Good job!


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You've done a great job in the preparations. Good for you, rest easy a little on the facts that you are ready, and your plans are good
> 
> Dont give in on anything, be strong, you can do it!
> 
> ...


Thanks. I would really be happy with a completely empty house, but we will see...


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Bear in mind that logic will at some point be abandoned from his side.
> 
> When that happens don't react, just keep doing what you're doing. Good job!


That's why I will be 100 miles away when he is served...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cup of Tea said:


> I valued all our stuff and had a real estate agent give me an 'as is' market value on the house. That's where I came up with that percentage because of the equity. I guess I'm trying to sweeten the deal for him so he can't come back and say I'm being greedy. And my portion will grow with time as well.
> 
> Kids stuff will come out of child support. I don't plan on relying on that too heavily for everyday expenses, but letting it just build up. I pay for all that stuff now anyway and we have sponsors for horse activities.
> 
> ...


He may not go for the equity deal if you intend in staying your whole life in the house, there needs to be some sort of timeframe so he knows when he is getting the money from the sale of the house.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriage is about love and divorce is about money. The guy will blow a gasket anyway so you may as well make sure that you and your children are getting your fair share. Just because you are paying for everything now doesn't mean it's fair to you. Do not let him off easy hoping he'll be nice about the divorce - he won't be. As evidenced by your need to be 100 miles away from him. You've let him off easy your entire marriage and look where it got you. Be smart about this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why are you giving him every Christmas Eve? Most parents alternate every year so that each parent gets Christmas morning with the kids.

Overall, I think you are letting him off too easy and that won't work out in your favor. You could give him everything and go live in a cardboard box and he'd still be an ass.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The more you give, the more your husband expects.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> Why are you giving him every Christmas Eve? Most parents alternate every year so that each parent gets Christmas morning with the kids.
> 
> Overall, I think you are letting him off too easy and that won't work out in your favor. You could give him everything and go live in a cardboard box and he'd still be an ass.


His family always does their big Celebration on Christmas Eve. I'm trying to be considerate of them, too. I will make it very clear to them that they can come see thw girls whenever, and keep them updated on school events/birthday parties/horse shows. 

I 100% expect him to be an ass. But years of his pity parties, temper tantrums, deflection have prepared me for this. That's why he's receiving a detailed list of reasons, so he can't just say "she's just being a selfish bi***" although I known he will. It might sink in that he drove me away someday, but I'm not expecting it.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Openminded said:


> The more you give, the more your husband expects.


Yes.
That's my fault and I do recognize that that's the main reason why I am so very worn down. But its been either take care of everything myself OR 1) it doesn't get dealt with and 2) I get yelling, cussing, stomping, gloating, and it then he won't do anything else for a month from him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cup of Tea said:


> I had to just pick a date and go for it. Mister is being served on the 16th. I plan on taking the girls to my dad's when he is served, and blocking his number temporarily while he cools down. I will ask his mom and cousin to come over that evening to give him support right after he is served. Nobody in his family knows because they all have big mouths. I've let a few trusted people know, and my co-workers are on standby in cast things go really wrong.


Okay--we will be here for you on the 16th (that's next Friday, folks).



> My terms are this:
> He keeps all of his guns, 401k, tackle, furniture, appliances, cash, truck, boats, jewelry, camper, and all the tools. I don't want to take anything of his. No allimony/maintenance, and he pays minimum child support of $979, which I feel is too high. I was hoping to petition for $600 but was told "NO" by literally everyone. But he will only have 2 years on the older girl at least. His schedule with them will be every other weekend, plus one-on-one time with each during the week, 2 weeks over summer, Father's day no matter whose weekend it is, 4th of July no matter what (its his favorite holiday) and Christmas Eve, plus 'any other times as agreed upon when scheduled in advance.' I also wrote up that taking them during hunting season is optional because nobody exists to him from Oct to Nov anyway.


This seems pretty reasonable. I also did not ask for alimony/maintenance because I'm an able-bodied adult and capable of earning my own living...but I did ask for child support (which my exH wouldn't pay until a judge ordered him) because it seemed to me that me helped make the kids, and he could help pay for the raising of the kids. Personally, I "get it" why you offered him Christmas Eve every year (that way the kids can do his family's big celebration) but do they come home to your house after the big party (so that they wake up Christmas morning with you)? Or do they wake up with him and then he brings them "at his leisure" on Christmas day? Might want to clarify that in the papers if you can. 



> I keep the house and of course assume all of the burden, but wrote up that I will give him 40% of the equity if I ever sell. The market is a high sellers market, but where does one go if the rest of the houses are super expensive? I can afford the payment and its better for the girls to stay in their home. The only items I'm requesting to keep are my car, stock trailer, pistol, 401k, animals, and the bedroom furniture set.


Okay I'm not sure this equity "if you sell" will really work. See, at the time of the divorce, you are both entitled to half the equity of the house...OR THE EQUIVALENT. So for example, you don't "have to" sell it, but you do have to come up with something that would be of equivalent value. For example, if the home is worth $275k and $175k has already been paid--equity is $100k...at the time of divorce you are both entitled to some sort of asset valued at $50k. You could refinance so that the mortgage now (in both your names) is paid off (the balance of $100k), and finance a new one in just your name and pays him his portion (in other words a mortgage for $150k borrowing against the house value). Then the whole entire house would be yours, in your name, and he would have received his share of it. Alternatively, you can let him have $50k more from your joint bank account, or keep an extra $50k vehicle. Make sense? In the end, the idea is that if you made a list of the assets HE got...and the assets YOU got...that the values of both lists would be about the same. You don't have to sell everything and split it, but you do have to give equal value as you divide things up.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I could take out a 2nd mortgage and give him that portion right up front and call it even, too. I don't want to do that though. We don't have a huge amount of cash. The equity in the house is the most valuable asset. Thanks so much for the advice. Truly. 

We'll see what he thinks about my terms. I need to get over this feeling of entitlement because I found the darn thing, did the sale paperwork, and have done 100x more maintenance and upkeep than he has. But that doesn't matter. 

If it absolutely comes to it, we can sell and I can buy another piece of property. Having a manufactured home put on a piece of land is the most cost effective thing to do right now. Housing prices are way inflated right now, but vacant land is still pretty cheap. But I love this place! Its a lovely little hobby farm. Good to have a plan B, C, D....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

aine said:


> He may not go for the equity deal if you intend in staying your whole life in the house, there needs to be some sort of timeframe so he knows when he is getting the money from the sale of the house.


I agree, I would have said 50% of the equity once the youngest child reaches say 21. You can really expect him to wait till you eventually decide to move.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

Well the panic attacks are coming more and more often now! My chest aches and I cry randomly but I hide it well. 

My desk and the inside of my head look the same: a MESS. I found an invoice from JUNE I forgot about. 

So what if he fights me on the house and selling it is the only option to get us 50/50?
It wouldn't be so bad right? I adore a manufactured home I found online today and its on sale! And I learned that I can order it somewhat unfinished so that I can add my own personal touches. My dad wants to build my kitchen and I love old dressers made into sinks. (Particle board with nice laminate is not good enough for me). I see a lot of used ones as well. I'm handy. 

And I would end up with a little more cash, so I could pay off my car and debt. All I'd have is a house payment and utilities. And I could build a better barn, board a few horses and sell some cattle on the side. And with more pasture, I wouldn't have to feed as much hay. And no, I'm not telling Uncle Sam. 

But it would hurt so bad to give up on what I wanted to do to our house. But I suppose I would have new things to dream about right?

God this hurts my soul. The older girl knows and isn't surprised. I told her I'd buy her a car and a nice horse trailer if we sold the house. She asked when she can expect it. The younger one will be very upset. Even more so if he trash-talks me. But I think she will be ok with a lot of reassurance and time with all of us: dad, grandmas, papas. 

My co-workers are trying to set set me up with people already, but I know they're just trying to cheer me up. They care about me. 

If you read all the way through all my rambling, thank you and I hope you have a really good night.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know this is scary. The unknown always is. Some stay in a dysfunctional marriage because the fear is too much for them to leave. But you’re doing great. And you WILL get through this and have a happy life again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cup of Tea said:


> Well the panic attacks are coming more and more often now! My chest aches and I cry randomly but I hide it well.
> 
> My desk and the inside of my head look the same: a MESS. I found an invoice from JUNE I forgot about.
> 
> ...


IF you feel panicky, get a paper bag, hold it round your mouth and breathe in and out of it a few times. Yes its scary, I remmeber it well. You will get through it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Have a girlfriend come over, and time for a few Mojitos sitting on the porch, take in the view.

Appreciate the fact you've got the ball rolling towards a much, much better life.

You and she can talk about what an asshat he is, talk about the future opportunities that are now open to you, and enjoy expressing gratitude that things are, and they are 👍 now getting brighter for you.

It's ok to take a deep breath, do a tequila shot, turn on some music and enjoy being with a friend or two, now.

This will open up your thoughts to new things, better things.

It's ok, prescribed, to take a second to pat yourself on the back a bit for moving your life in a better direction. Take the time to appreciate your efforts.

Enjoy an evening!!

You deserve it. Good job you, all around!

👍👍👍🙂🙂🙂


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## misslolita (Nov 11, 2020)

Oh gosh, that's so messed up. Financing in a relationship can be pretty harsh, especially if there's not a balance between you two. I am lucky enough to be in a relationship where I and my wife earn almost the same amount of money, so we are okay on that. But I have friends who had divorced because of money issue. I've found a good article about this one from 6 Interesting Personality Traits That May Predict Divorce, so I recommend everyone to read it. It's always better to be a little sceptical when it comes to other people. They will surprise you if you let your guard down


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## graymatter (Mar 3, 2021)

In my first marriage I gave up so much just to appease him and end it ASAP. Some may have called me naive, but I chose peace over possessions. I wish you luck and a great new beginning!


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