# Got papers today, now what?



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Got a visit from my stbxw's best friend today at work, she handed me the 'papers', I'm waiting for the numbness or shock to hit me if it does, I can't understand why she wants a 75/25 split over our kids?..I couldn't be a better father!!..I'm definitely going to dispute that for 50/50 all the way around...I guess 3 months of physical separation is the norm when the walk-away files, I wasn't going to file but wait till she did and 93 days later...she does..I can't see the emotion level hitting the 'sudden separation ILYBNILWY scenario'..is there a tolerance level that reduces the next step?..am I just putting it out of my mind for my girls?..guess I'll find out..got some research to do on how to dispute custody.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Stay strong 2D. I was served almost two weeks ago. It sucks -- but I think its just a hangin curve which I'll hit out of the park. Fight for your rights. Get to an attorney to dispute.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Sorry to hear that 'Feeling'!! and thanks for that positive reenforcement I knew it was coming..I still can't believe inspite of everything that went wrong with us, that after 17 yrs and 8 months, it has come to this!!..Like you said 'a hanging curve'.. and I hit a few out when I was younger, just had problems with those curves..you stay the strong course also:smthumbup:


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Stay strong 2D. I was served almost two weeks ago. It sucks -- but I think its just a hangin curve which I'll hit out of the park. Fight for your rights. Get to an attorney to dispute.


+1 If your going to fight for custody you need a good attourney.
Good luck to ya


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

2Daughters

Don’t know if you know much about negotiation. Three Rules:

Aim High.
Never concede anything without at least an equal or greater concession in return.
Always be prepared to Negotiate.

With the 75/25 your wife is “aiming high”, probably put in by her attorney. She’s put a stake in the ground and more than likely expects that to come down to 50/50. But to do that she’ll be looking for you to “concede something else”. This something else is something she knows about but you don’t, as yet.

In my career I used to be a high level negotiator. I can’t see there’s much difference in a divorce other than the emotions involved with children, finances, “objects”, self images etc.

The thing with negotiation is that you need everything “on the table” before the negotiation, basically trading one thing for another, begins. This is something you can do for yourself, write everything down, it will be a good start for when you meet your attorney and will save some time therefore money.

When you’ve written everything down stand back a little and determine what you want out of the divorce. This is your starting point for negotiating. When writing down what you want two things to think on. First is Aim High. Second is it’s your wife who started this whole thing off so Aim Even Higher than you would have done if it was you who initiated the divorce or if it was mutual.

This is not the time to “be the nice guy”. This is a once off settlement so make it the best for you and the best for your children that you are able to.

Buy a few books on negotiation.

Bob


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I agree with AFEH, aim high, don't show your hand to early and have a plan before you meet your attorney. I went in a little half-assed and got bill fro 2 additional hours becuase we had to put everything on paper. The best thing about her filing first in this battle is she has showed her hand first. You know her better than anyone else, so you know she will give up "X" to get "Y". 

Best of luck and get your kids 50/50, don't back down on it.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I got served 3 weeks ago, he filed the day after I found out about EA with the OW.

Yes, the feeling sucks. But it made me realize that this is what is going to happen. Prepare yourself.

-Get copies of all your records, bank statements, pay stubs, tax records, etc

-get a good lawyer so you can file a counterclaim

shoot me a PM if you want to know all you will need for the visit with the lawyer. I had a friend who is a paralegal help me out and it saved a lot of time and money.

-dig your heels in and fight for what is rightfully yours especially if you did nothing wrong.

-put yourself and your kids ahead of the cheating spouse


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

AFEH give great advice and one that I have said here as well.

Attorneys have screwball interpretations of how divorce is supposed to go. . .they think. . ."Okay, I'll start here and then maybe we'll go 60/40".

Kinda like buying a house.

Except sometimes, a lot of times, I don't negotiate that way. I may set my price intelligently and the price is the price, not something to ****er over. I have talked to my attorney about this - we arne't doing the "back and forth" crap I told him at $225 per letter.

So. . .really, really, REALLY think about this - are you really THAT dedicated to it being 50/50? Do you REALLY, REALLY think that is best for the kids? A King Solomon type of division? Any chance it could evolve to that vs. starting out as that?

If so, great! You hang in at 50/50 and say that point is non-negotiable. Other things you should be more elastic on - the split of the house, assets, etc. You shouldn't seem like it's "My way or the highway." as you do have another person with another viewpoint.

Good luck.

AFEH,

Just for curiosity, how would you handled me in negotiation? My wife told me her attorney was frustrated and never had a case like this - where the previously involved father wasn't fighting for 50/50. I frankly think he doesn't know how to handle it. Think about it - attorneys are "champions" we send in to fight/defend/attack on our behalf. When there is no fight. . .I am not sure they know what to do.

I have seemed ambivalent about getting time to spend with the kids. Maybe I have been ambivalent at times. I don't feel particularly proud of that. . .I do always enjoy time with them. . .well, mostly. . .but I dunno. . .I think they should be in their home 90% of the time.

With divorce being so adversarial and the expectation the other is going to raise their sword and duel with you, they really aren't sure what to do.

I feel the other side is knocked completely off balance and I should go in for the kill now but they keep trying to use "elegant language" of why I should have the kids on holidays, vacations, etc.

He actually even seemed frustrated, almost crying, during our last court hearing (I guess that's his job - to put on an act).


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Scannerguard,
I think you are spot on with the 75/25, 50/50 etc. with the children. In a way it’s best to first forget what the other person wants and to really think through what you want. For example do you really want 50/50 and if you do then can you really handle 50/50 what with other commitments. Pointless spending dollars on getting 50/50 just because the other person wants 75/25 then finding out soon after you can’t handle it. An immature ego on either or both sides can seriously get in the way at these times.

I think the adversarial side of divorce stems from immature egos. I can understand contestants not wanting to talk with one another. For example no way do I want to get into a conversation with my wife, I’m afraid of her potential to hurt me so I’m just letting the two year mutually agreed separation rule kick in.

I think people going through divorce should become quite knowledgeable about the subject. For example in English Law, the actual divorce is very separate from child and financial settlements. So you can get divorced, carry on living as a single person while still negotiating child and financial settlements.

How would I handle your good self? “I feel the other side is knocked completely off balance and I should go in for the kill now”. Perhaps they sense this is going on. I would go for a “test” closure with you. I would give you a document based on what you want and ask you to sign it and have your signature witnessed. Your wife’s signature space would be blank, you’d be the first to sign and then you send the document back to me.

If you sign and send it back then I would advise my client based on the “facts” of what you really want.

With great respect it does sound a bit like you are playing games and I can only imagine the emotional and financial costs associated with that.

Bob


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