# Wife moving out & I'm not sure the right thing to do



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I have posted on her recently (see link below)
We talked extensively last night. She initiated the talk because I've withdrawn after her telling me two days ago she's moving back with her cousin to look for work. She liked it up there and feels it's better to start a new job there than here. She admits she's doing this for herself. She told our kids that she's moving away in a couple weeks. She says it's not permanent, that she'll see the kids once a month flying down. I told her I'm concerned for their well being and how this "trip to help myself" can create abandonment issues down the line, like possibly relationships,etc. for the kids. She understood, and says she wants to be involved and lighten the "separation" as much as possible so the effect is minimal. She had two months during the summer away with her cousin to work on herself. It doesn't seem like she accomplished much and now wants to live there " for awhile". She says she is not leaving forever. That she still wants to work on our communication (she sees this as our biggest fault and issue) and our marriage via chat. She doesn't want a divorce. I'm sick of living in LIMBO and have been since October. My needs are never met and I don't want to go on living like this. I am seriously considering filing for divorce if she leaves. Of course, if I tell her this she will only interpret it as me trying to control her and manipulate her. Her friend and brother tell me she's living in this paranoia that everyone is against her (who isn't when someone commits adultery and goes on an extended vacation). I told her I felt used and taken advantage of while she was away. That she never considered my feelings when she extended the affair while it continued(and is now DEAD), when she decided to stay with her cousin over the summer another 3 weeks, and now deciding to move back in her. She never asked me what I thought or felt. She just told me this is what she's doing.Her cousin lives in a different state by the way. Thousands of miles away. Anyway, I am going to the counselor Monday. I invited her to go. She already has her mind made up. I'm not sure what to say or do at this point. She is set in her belief that this is what she needs to do. I'm sick of living like this. Being chained on a leash with the continued belief that somehow this might work itself out. I wish she could understand my stance of not wanting her to leave and how I'm considering divorce. I feel she only sees that as me being controlling. Is there a way of explaining this without the belief that this is controlling. Hell, do you guys think I'm being controlling? I'm not trying to be. I just don't want to keep living like this. I feel two people need to be together, in close proximity/ living together to work on their marriage. Not working on it via video chat while they are living far away.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29883-ww-told-me-not-contact-om-wife-but.html


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

And you next step is? 

Try this : once she is out of the house file for separation, adultery and abandonment , go for full custody, go dark. There is no communication between you other than via an intermediary.

Stop making excuses and using the word controlling who is having the affair you or her . The only controlling going on here is her putting you in your box .

The following is not means as disrespect to you , however this it is going to a ten ton truck to shake you out of limbo, when and if it does it will be far to late. As for her affair being over , no fool like a betrayed spouse who still believe his wayward who is moving out of the house to find herself, of course she wants to find herself while playing spank out of sight and no kids or husband to disturb her. Think ten ton truck and start manning up, if not for yourself your children.

Go to the attorney tomorrow and start proceedings, the day she leaves hit her with the whole shebang , do not let het know what you are doing . There is no thinking here, she leaves, you divorce her . 

She asks to return she adheres to everything you require..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> And you next step is?
> 
> Try this : once she is out of the house file for separation, adultery and abandonment , go for full custody, go dark. There is no communication between you other than via an intermediary.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The word 'controlling' is one of those all time favorites that most unfaithful spouses - especially wives - use to turn the tables and make their betrayed spouse feel guilty for not allowing them to continue with their selfish ways. Don't buy into it.

Stop walking on eggshells an follow Eli-Zor's advice. Also click on the link below my signature titled "dadsdivorce.com: Lessons Learned - Before and During" because it contains the experiences of divorced fathers with some great advice on what and what not to do.

She does what she does because she knows that you won't do anything about it. Isn't it time you stop allowing her to control your life?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Morituri- You're right about her feeling I won't do anything about it. It's like a out of control teenager and the parent isn't doing jack about it. So I should not tell her the consequences before she leaves, instead wait till she leaves? I'm not sure if that's being totally transparent. I want her to know my intentions. Maybe tell her I'm not going to tolerate her leaving. That I will not live that way, but not mention the "D" word? Or just say the heck with it and let her know it's a strong possibility. I live in Texas, so our state doesn't recognize separation as an option. It's divorce or no divorce basically. I wish I had other ideas or options that lets her know I'm not putting up with this selfish behavior but not quite jumping to divorce. It's a big decision to divorce and I don't take lightly. I will check out the divorced dads link. Thanks guys!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You do not tell her the consequences , why give her the game plan , so she carry on manipulating you. Keep quiet she is a big girl, she wants to mess around and is trying to convince you otherwise . The only reason she does this is she knows you won't do anything about it, empty threats, shel lacks respect for you.

Once out of the house hit her with the divorce notice , change the locks and fight for full and sole custody of your children , seek out a no nonsense attorney and fight her .

The following is the single best piece of advice you will get:

Stop being a doormat, keep quiet , tell her zip, your attorney does the talking not you.

Cut off all communication and don't fantasise she is coming home and going to change soon, cold reality says she is a long way from this stage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Houstondad, why are you walking on eggshells and trying to be more than fair to her? This is the woman who broke her vows without remorse. This is the woman who instead of doing anything she could you rebuild the marriage instead abandoned you with the kids and went to party with her cousin thousands of miles away. 

Your wife is in no way making any effort to save the marriage,or even help you deal with the affair. Now she is telling you that she is once again abandoning the family and moving thousands of miles away. 

Wake up. She's not in this marriage at all. She drops by once in a while when it suits her.

You've told her how you feel about her having gone once, and you've told her how you feel about her abandoning the family yet again. There is no need to spell it out in crystal clear detail. She knows what she is doing. She knows she is leaving the family. 

When she does go, follow Eli-Zor's advice. It will take you growing more of a spine than she's used to. She will blame you, she will get angry. Maybe she'll even have a moment where she once again respects you, because it's 100% clear she doesn't respect or think about you at all now.

Frankly, your WS is acting so very selfish and so very much like someone still deep in the fog. Everything is about her and her getting her fix from the affair. You say it has ended, but her actions and desire to move away is exactly like someone either still with someone else, or intending to find someone else.

She isn't going to change. Even after the affair she didn't change or work on the marriage. So stop hoping that tomorrow morning she will wake up and actually think about the marriage and your feelings. She isn't going to do that. Why should she? What's in it for her? To date there aren't any consequences for her actions - other than she in fact got more freedom to be even more selfish.

I'm a romantic who wants families to stay together, but in this case your relationship is entirely one sided. Get free. Let her go so your kids don't grow up thinking this is an acceptable relationship dynamic where mom gets to sleep around, and go live the single life when it suits her.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

How old are your children?
Aren't they starting school soon? Will she be there for that? 
Are they old enough to remember this?

You are right to be worried about the kids. This is not healthy for them. I just don't understand all of these women walking away from their children!!! It is insanity!!

File divorce and save those kids from any further drama and scarring.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are fortunate to be in texas if divorce is on the table. I am sorry you are at this stage but your wife is forcing it by her despicable behavior.

Maximum of three years spousal support no matter what, usually a year and done.

File right away! Fight for custody of your children.

Be a rock of stability for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She wants you to put you life on hold while she goes out to 'find herself' which is nothing more than *'I want the benefits of being a married woman while at the same time enjoying the benefits of being a single woman. But I don't want you to do the same'*. That is what I call an entitlement mindset.

Transparency. After all she's done - betrayed you and the kids - do you actually believe that she is being totally transparent with you with regards to this separation? Transparency is for when both spouses are totally committed to reconciliation. Her actions clearly demonstrate that she is not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Morituri- You're right about her feeling I won't do anything about it. It's like a out of control teenager and the parent isn't doing jack about it. So I should not tell her the consequences before she leaves, instead wait till she leaves? I'm not sure if that's being totally transparent. I want her to know my intentions. Maybe tell her I'm not going to tolerate her leaving. That I will not live that way, but not mention the "D" word? Or just say the heck with it and let her know it's a strong possibility. I live in Texas, so our state doesn't recognize separation as an option. It's divorce or no divorce basically. I wish I had other ideas or options that lets her know I'm not putting up with this selfish behavior but not quite jumping to divorce. It's a big decision to divorce and I don't take lightly. I will check out the divorced dads link. Thanks guys!


Transparency is for a marriage. Time to start protecting ypurself and your children. Your transparency is done. I am assuming you have already told her that her behavior is unacceptable a while ago. So file for divorce and move on. She is no longer married. You are being a doormat. Stop it. The more passive you are the more you push her away. More importantly the worse it is for your children. Your wife is not being transparent with you. She is gone. Time to move on to the next phase.

Separation is a guise for an open marriage. Especially when they move away like she is. She is starting a new life without you and will likely find another guy if she already has not. At some point she may then come back for full custody of the children and move them away from you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You do not tell her the consequences , why give her the game plan , so she carry on manipulating you. Keep quiet she is a big girl, she wants to mess around and is trying to convince you otherwise . The only reason she does this is she knows you won't do anything about it, empty threats, shel lacks respect for you.
> 
> Once out of the house hit her with the divorce notice , change the locks and fight for full and sole custody of your children , seek out a no nonsense attorney and fight her .
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy- You nailed it brother. It's hard because I have a big heart and I can't shake the feeling she's sick, mentally. But I am ready to move on. I ain't gonna lie, I'm scared too proceeding with filing and what my kids will go through.
Terrified- My daughter is 10. My son is 5. He starts kindergarten too. She said she will be here the first week or two to see them off to school. I leave for work before the kids leave for school. I am starting to see what my options are.
My counselor session is tomorrow. Not sure how to gameplan now. Should I even bring my wife? Not sure if there's a point now since her mind is made up. Amazing she is walking around in a cheerful positive mood and being nice to the kids and extra nice to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course she is walking around happy - she thinks she is getting everything she wants. 

I would say there is another guy waiting in the other state. I don't want to cause you any more pain, but her behavior is very much like someone who's in a new relationship and she's looking forward to reuniting soon.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Amazing she is walking around in a cheerful positive mood and being nice to the kids and extra nice to me.


And why shouldn't she? She believes that she's in a one sided open marriage that you have given your blessing to.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is making it very clear she wants to be single---she got a taste of the single life this summer, and obviously liked it---she had an A., and obviously likes sex with other men----so set her free---Why are you fighting it---there is nothing left!!!!

The biggest sign, that she has checked out of the mge., is, that she is willing to leave her own flesh and blood children---she doesn't want them or you---how plain does she have to make it?????


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

First off, you need to either adjust your work hours or hire someone to get your kids to school. 

You cannot rely on your supposed wife to do this. Get cracking!

And document this abandonment too.

Oh, and file those divorce papers pronto requesting child support.

Your cake eating wife is NOT off the hook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

michzz said:


> *First off, you need to either adjust your work hours or hire someone to get your kids to school. *
> 
> You cannot rely on your supposed wife to do this. Get cracking!
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

Usually I would say to be up front and tell her that if she leaves your filing for divorce. But I think in this case I would agree with some of the other posters about letting her leave then filing that way when you go for custody of the kids you can use the abandonment to your advantage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Soupnutz said:


> Usually I would say to be up front and tell her that if she leaves your filing for divorce. But I think in this case I would agree with some of the other posters about letting her leave then filing that way when you go for custody of the kids you can use the abandonment to your advantage.


To your KIDS advantage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are worried about being truthful about your feelings, then make sure in the time from now to when she does abandon the family that you never say you agree with her decision. 

Always tell her when she brings it up, that you see it is as abandoning the family. She'll try and fight and force you to change your mind. Don't engage. Don't debate. In fact you can say to her "that's my opinion. You cheated. You got dumped by the OM. You left to deal with your being dumped. You returned. And now you're leaving to live your life apart from your family. That is abandonment plain and simple. I'm not going to debate it because like your decision to go is beyond debate to you, so are my feelings to me."

So when she does go, and she gets served at least you will have been completely honest about how you feel. 

BTW. I would go to the lawyer this week and begin the paper work. If you can have her served as soon as she leaves the house all packed up etc, but before she leaves the state it might be easier to have her served officially. It's details like this that make it important for you to talk to a lawyer NOW like this week.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, my counselor postponed our session to tomorrow because her boss had scheduled something for her today. Anyways, my wife has been wanting to know what's it all about. She's very curious. I told her I'm not setting her up to try to force her to stay. She's paranoid that everyone is against her. I told her I want to communicate my feelings about her leaving. She said she wants to do this ASAP so she can have "closure". Closure to what? To her leaving? She has said her mind is already made up. Since she has told me that she's leaving and accused me of lying (long time vs a month of talking to OMW) she has spent more time away from me. Last night she stayed at her dad's. Her good friend spoke to her last night (and tried to convince her to stay) and she ended up crashing at her dads. She still has issues living under the same roof with me it appears. Anyways, I plan to tell her that I am against and do not support her leaving. That I want to work on our marriage, but with her leaving there is no chance of that happening. I will also tell her it's my opinion that she is abandoning the family. She had her chance during the summer. That's about all I plan to say really. Not sure what else.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Actually at this point, since she is bent on leaving---let her go, do not even try to sway her right now---

Reason is---if there is a divorce/custody fight---you can claim abandonment----I know you don't wanna think about something like that now---but you need to prepare yourself---for anything/everything, that might/will come at you---in the future

Your wife right now, does not want you, and divorce is a definite possibility, so you need to have as many aces up your sleeve as you can.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My brother in law talked to me awhile ago. He's been vocally against his sister's behavior and it has strained their relationship. He thinks now that he needs to approach this with damage control. I told him that I am going to tell her I do not support her leaving. That what she is doing is abandonment. He told me what good will that do. She already has her mind set in a certain, twisted way. It will only cause her to be defensive and counter-productive. I could see his point. But I told him I feel like I've been doing damage control for the last 10 f'n' months and look where it has got me. At the very least, I am going to ask her if she wants to work on the marriage or does she want to help save it. If so, I'll continue by telling her that I feel the only way to have the odds in our favor for recovery is that she stays here. I figure that won't be a love buster but will communicate my intentions. My brother in law and her dad is offering their place for her to stay. He's gonna talk to her tomorrow. Not sure how this is gonna go..


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You are not "getting" it. You have no marriage. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I feel for you and hope things end up OK. Let her go, file.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If the D word isn't in the mix, you might as well be happy living as a cuckold and waiting for her to party, sleep with whoever, get bored then come home to the sucker, I mean good husband waiting patiently for her.

The minute she calls and says, OMG it was all a mistake, those 10 guys meant nothing at all, it was always just you. Your heart will melt and you'll get down on your knees and worship the very ground she walks on just for coming back to you.

Sorry but it took my wife to say, get the F*ck out of my house and don't ever show your lying @ss back here every again if you walk out. That sure did wake me up, as opposed to the begging, pleading, crying, begging, talking, all that to me was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. When she got tough, I heard EVERY SINGLE WORD SHE SAID.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

the lights are on but no one's home.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Houston sorry this is happening. I am not sure why you want to hang onto to your wife at this point. Don't you think that you have given over and above the energy and attention that your wife deserves? This prolonged, cruel and selfish leave taking is damaging to you emotionally. 

Moreover, it takes away the energy you need to care for your kids and plan their future. 

If you think about it you are making her and the marital relationship more important than two innocent helpless souls. Who is making them a priority? For their sake, let her go and get on with your life. You need all of your energy at this point to get legal advice, start divorce proceedings and put in place support agreement for the kids. She is not working now but she will have to do so and you need to be ready to hit her with child support. 

If she is anxious to leave, you may be able to use that as leverage to get her to make decisions about the division of the property now while she is in the fog.

Please change your focus from her to yourself and your kids. You have to plan for daycare and after school care. You need to find resources to help you and your kids through the divorce. If you let this continue to drag on then I think you are as responsible as she is for any damage to your kids. 

That may sound harsh but with the amount of time you allow your selfish wife to control her exit and keep your focus on her. The kids are already abandoned because they are lost in the shuffle. Not one of their parents is making them a priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is peripherally related to this post. This does not apply to all fathers. I find it interesting that some men get so outraged when a woman abandons children but are mum when men abandon their kids when they divorce. This is far more common. 

The problem of dead-beat dads is so privative that there are now statues in several states the mandate that support payments are deducted from the pay by the employer. Children have two parents with equal resomsibilty for thier care. There should be equal outrage when men abandon their kids. 

I find it amusing that divorce support groups advocating for equitable treatment of fathers in divorce seem adversarial to women. I don't think that the problem of inequitable treatment of fathers in courts is a bias created by women, i think it is a recognition of reality. 

It seems acceptable in this society that women are primarily responsible for the children that they have and the father is excused for walking away from them. To protect the children, the laws are skewed in favor of the parent that is traditionally more present. This may the male seed spreading BS. 

Women are becoming more like men both in good and bad ways. The walk- away wife will become as pervasive as the walk-away husband in the future I fear. The real question is - how can a parent abandon their flesh and blood. The sense of loss for kids is equal when either parent abandons them and the outrage should be equal for both parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your brother in law/father in law----are not in your shoes, and are not going thru the misery you are in

They are only involved from the outside, and do not feel the daily pain you feel, and do not have to deal with the everyday family problems, you have to deal with---they are not responsible for your kids, and do not have to make a living, and keep your family functioning.

They have their opinions, just as we have ours----BUT IF THEY ALLOW HER TO STAY WITH THEM, they are ENABLING her to frurther destroy, your mge.

Either she stays and follows the married script, or she goes and follows the singles script, at which time she will resume what she did this summer, with the nude bike rides, fooling around, having a good time, and NOT TAKING ON THE RESPONSIBILITIES of a MOTHER AND WIFE----that in itself, is enuff reason for you to file for D., full custody, and no alimony


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Hey Houston, I’m in Texas too and don’t worry about filing for a D, my wife filed 3 years ago and we are still together. Filing is nothing but you should do it ASAP as a show of strength because right now you are being weak in her eyes and it’s a huge turnoff and pushing her away that much more. She is not going to be remotely interested in the M as long as you keep pushing it. The minute you give up on the M and actually push for a D yourself is when she will come around (if ever). 


Houstondad said:


> I told him that I am going to tell her I do not support her leaving. That what she is doing is abandonment. He told me what good will that do. She already has her mind set in a certain, twisted way.


This is true. Telling her this will just make you look pathetic. You are still pleading and trying to pressure her which will only backfire on you.

You have to think reverse psychology, tell her you think it’s a good idea that she leaves. The more you resist her, the more she will resist you.

All this telling her you want to save the M is enabling her to continue acting this way. You need to put your foot down and make her suffer the consequences. 



> At the very least, I am going to ask her if she wants to work on the marriage or does she want to help save it.


She’s already answered this and its no. She may change her mind later AFTER you stopped trying to work on it but today asking this is just going to put more pressure on her. 

Pressure is your enemy. 



> If so, I'll continue by telling her that I feel the only way to have the odds in our favor for recovery is that she stays here. I figure that won't be a love buster but will communicate my intentions. My brother in law and her dad is offering their place for her to stay. He's gonna talk to her tomorrow. Not sure how this is gonna go..


It’s not going to go in your favor.

It sounds like you are still in the denial stage. 

You need to stop being nice and understanding towards her. Only tough love works at this stage. She did wrong and it’s up to her to show she is worth keeping, not you. Your first reaction is to try to end the M and she has to be the one to try to stop you, not the other way around. You are rewarding her for bad behavior so she has no motivation to stay if she can get everything she wants and you’ll do nothing to stop her (other than telling her you disapprove). That doesn’t work with kids and it won’t work on her.

Give her what she says/thinks she wants and she'll stop wanting it. You really don't have a choice since she's going to do whatever whether you like it or not and nothing you will say will stop it. Agree with her and it will make her have second thoughts.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Divorce her, sue her for abandonment and take the kids. She may think its about you trying to control her. So what. She is a worthless wife and mother. Let consequence deal with her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The others are right, including your BIL, that she has made it plainly clear through her actions that *SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU*.

We constantly talk about the fog that many unfaithful spouses are in because of their affair but many betrayed spouses are also are in a fog of their own. You, without question, are in one of your own making.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Unless there is a physical impairment you will not have to pay spousal support in Harris County. The biggest thing will be trying to work out an agreement with her to proceed with the divorce in terms of custody, child support, and not getting the "every other weekend, while you pay" visitation b.s. garbage that is the "Standard Possession Order" in Texas.
If you have the money, I would say take her axx to the mat and make sure she handles ALL of the issues at stake BEFORE moving away. Get this garbage cleared up before she moves away and sets a precedent of jurisdiction according to her then address.
If you have the proof, and the funds, hire a lawyer and at very minimum know what your options are.
I unfortunately had nothing to fight with, being I was married to a financial nightmare that had me paying for every emergency that came up while she partied her 39 yr old butt off. That left me with very little in the coffers to handle the surprise oh so contrary to that old statement she made about "I'd never do that to you". 
I put on that happy face and decided to go meet jointly with a mediator (which if you two cannot work out an agreement, the courts in Harris county WILL make you still go to a mediator to work out a deal) in order to get our situation decided between us.
Get a copy of an online divorce decree to show you the areas that need to be discussed. The full and complete family law section governing these issues is available for free and immediate viewing online at the state website.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Your wife wants to move away so you can repair your marriage via "chatting" with you on the Internet? :scratchhead:

The marriage is over, now it's time to start making sure you take care of yourself and your kids.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> make sure she handles ALL of the issues at stake BEFORE moving away. Get this garbage cleared up before she moves away and sets a precedent of jurisdiction according to her then address.


Meaning, the conditions for spousal support or alimony, as well as percentage of child support if required may change according to the jurisdiction of the state she then will be living.
Not trying to make it all about the money, but its something to consider.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Meaning, the conditions for spousal support or alimony, as well as percentage of child support if required may change according to the jurisdiction of the state she then will be living.
> Not trying to make it all about the money, but its something to consider.


So are you saying that if I wait till after she moves to Minnesota that Minnesota laws would apply for her?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I believe the number is nine months of residence, if you are filing in TX , you have to have lived here for nine months for this state's family code to have jurisdiction. I am unaware as to how long that is in MN, but it is a factor you must consider as TX is not an alimony state except under a small fraction of instances. (Disability, mental impairment, etc.)


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I spoke with her last night. She says that she feels like she "belongs" in Minnesota. She enjoyed it there and wants to start new there. She mentioned something that surprised me a bit when she said that no one there knows about our current issues. Here, everyone knows (exposed) and I think the stress of all that is driving her away. She's also bent on our inability to communicate. that it hurts her to see me talking to everyone about my feelings except for her. I told her that even when she told me to communicate with her and tell her my feelings that even when I did, she would never reciprocate and the BIGGEST thing that affected me was her actions. She would either be back "in love" with the OM or she was always trying to be separate from me. Moving to Minnesotta for 2 months told me she wants her space. She's blaming me for not communicating enough all the while she is staying away from me. I told her all this. I told her that divorcing is the easy way out and working on the marriage will be hard work. And that I told her she is worth working hard for. I made it clear she needs to stay to make this work.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Belonging in minnesota (where no one knows the truth of her indiscretions), and communication between you, both appear to me as the same escapism and blameshifting that my stbxw did.
Lack of communication. OH how that one digs at me. For all the times i tried to talk, in order to get immediate defensiveness in return. it was something you could absolutely expect from her. Defensiveness about the topic, immediately shifting any accountability of the topic being "discussed" to a fault of yours for seeing it any particular way, immediately accusing you of accusing her, anger, complete stonewalling, and end of discussion. normally, it took about 2 minutes for any "communication" to come to an end in our discussions. 
And then, THEN to hear that "we had communication issues"...
Sorry babe, YOU had the issues, I tried many times. I often found myself so well versed in what to expect, that I would pretense the entire conversation about an issue with disclaimers, and the typical "now you may think I am ...yada yada"... but it never worked. there was no means with which to discuss anything with an immature woman who didnt respect me, and on an underlying fact, was a control freak. 
Despite accusing me of being controlling, it simply was another method to retain her version of control, which amounted to a tantrum.

The issue with "belonging in minnesota" is easy to see. Its the same thing as when the kid breaks the neighbors window with a baseball and then RUNS AWAY. I have seen this a couple of times where indiscretions were exposed, and sometimes reading these posts where people think there is a chance at reconciliation, they expose the infidelity and watch their spouses head for the hills. 
At some point, we all end up with one choice. To wait for our spouses to come around and think clearly (which sometimes results in years of limbo-living), or take the situation into our own hands and end it.
You mention as your last sentence that you have made it clear that she needs to stay to make this work, but if she does not, will you then live in limbo and wait, or move on?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> You mention as your last sentence that you have made it clear that she needs to stay to make this work, but if she does not, will you then live in limbo and wait, or move on?


I'm tired of living in LIMBO. It's been 10 months since D-day. I want to make sure my emotions are not influencing my decision to do one thing (divorce) or another. But even after our conversation, I got the sense she wants this over with even though she said she doesn't want a divorce. It seems like the GUILT is too much for her. At the end of our conversation, we discussed the kids and what to do while she's away. She's scared I'm going to keep her out of their lives. I told her that I do not hate her. The look of relief on her face was priceless.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

BROTHER, thats the freaking gouge of it all though. Here you have a woman thats pulled this on you and your kids, and it having the extreme gravity and depth that it does, (which for me, has been like attempting to not hate the murderer of my family) and it boils down to it being absolutely necessary that you maintain the relationship between the kids and this person that hasnt even acted like a mom in how long.
If not by will, that you do so, if the courts get the slightest inkling of perception that you wont promote a healthy relationship between them, they can come down on you about it.

While shes away,,, sounds sort of like a vacation doesnt it? 
We are sort of in the same boat except my cheating wife wanted a divorce immediately. After one marriage counseling session and the realization that her claims of some issue with my not helping enough with the baby ten years ago, wasnt going to fly with the counselor, she refused to go again, took the first minor argument we had about anything and threw divorce at me again.

These are not the same people we married. These are not the same women. Something has happened, beyond anyones control, and beyond any rationale, that has flicked a switch off.

I hope you can survive the wait. and I sure do respect your willingness and longsuffering of going through it, and honestly hope that it brings about a favorable outcome. 
Just dont let too much time go by. You werent placed on this earth to be a martyr. You deserve happiness too.

I knew in my own situation that perhaps some of the responsibility of it not going to work out, "even if presented to me", was due to my own inability to ever forget what has happened. I would forever question where she was, and upon getting an answer I would still not trust. I just didnt see any means of getting past something that was so easily thrown away for the first "just a friend" to come along.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Met with counselor. Wife is evidently bothered that I speak with others (including OMW) about my feelings & emotions and I can't with her. I tried to explain that I have, but over time her actions have caused repeated heartache. She would keep asking for me to communicate, and when I did it was either during her affair or she would move into her dad's house or move to Minnesota. I told my wife her actions told me she wasn't interested. I said I want to work on the marriage full steam ahead, but she needs to want to do the same. Then it happened. She admitted that she isn't into working on our marriage right now. (She really never has been.) This, despite her telling me she is "begging" me to communicate. She said she isn't into working on anything because her heart was broken 3x and she needs to work on herself. She isn't interested in any relationships. The counselor asked if I would be able to help her heal through this process. My wife didn't blame me for the heartbreak, but said I wouldn't be able to help. She said she didn't want a divorce, but thought that it was inevitable. Tonight, she said that while she's up in Minnesota if she could pay for 1/2 the mortgage and her car note. I started with, "does your house payment include utilities"? and she said no. I told her I'll get back to you with what I think is fair. She's not gonna pay just 1/2 the mortgage and her car note.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She can't have it both ways---she is either married or not---you know da*n well, that there is a good chance she will meet someone in Minn., and she already has the mindset, that this mge., is over----so if she goes, there is a good chance she will date, and be with other men---she certainly isn't gonna be celibate like a monk in a monestary, she is a woman in the prime of her life, and no matter what she says, she has wants and needs------ you need to file

Right now she is a resident of Texas, so Texas law controls, she will have to return to texas to fight the D.----File while she is still in Texas----if things change, you can always stop the D. process.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's continuing to confuse you by getting you to engage her in talking about her needs and selfish wants. You already know what she wants - she wants to be single and able to date others.

Stop engaging her this way and stay to the facts: She is abandoning her family by moving to MN. You should have papers drawn up NOW and be ready to serve her when she is leaving to go there. Find out from a lawyer if there is a particular event she needs to do to qualify and then serve her.

You've talked, and talked, and compromised. She is quite consistent in this being 100% about her, and not at all about the kids or you. She just wants to be single. 

so give her what she wants so you can get on to getting what you want.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> The counselor asked if I would be able to help her heal through this process. My wife didn't blame me for the heartbreak, but said I wouldn't be able to help.


I am curious, did the counselor ask your wife if she was going to help YOU heal? Is either of them considering YOUR feelings? Seems to me that your wife is trying to play the role of the victim and the counselor is enabling her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife may just be right. You just don't listen. Have you been able to find anyone who agrees with way your going about this? Go back and read this thread. People that have been through this are showing you the way and your just ignoring it all. Once she is in Minn you might as well start looking for a new girlfriend. Basically looks like your head is hard as a rock.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

bs193 said:


> I am curious, did the counselor ask your wife if she was going to help YOU heal? Is either of them considering YOUR feelings? Seems to me that your wife is trying to play the role of the victim and the counselor is enabling her.


The Counselor made an important point when my wife discussed that her heart was broken. She told my wife that my heart had been broken too and needed healing. That she used an analogy of getting the carrot. It was like my wife would throw me a carrot from time to time, I would "celebrate" and try working hard, and then I would be shot down eventually tearing my heart to pieces. I've run out of bandages.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Your wife may just be right. You just don't listen. Have you been able to find anyone who agrees with way your going about this? Go back and read this thread. People that have been through this are showing you the way and your just ignoring it all. Once she is in Minn you might as well start looking for a new girlfriend. Basically looks like your head is hard as a rock.


You make it sound so easy Bro. I've beenmarried for 11 years. I've been happy for the last 10 and I have 2 young kids too. My wife has been sick (depression and who knows what else) so I've been trying to save the marriage. I don't want any regrets when if I pull the trigger. And a girlfriend while she's in Minny? Are you crazy?!?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A girlfriend may cause your wife to see you in a totally different light and wake her up to the reality that she's not the only woman in the world for you. But it's a bad idea because you would be using another human being, a woman, as tool to get your wife back and recommit to you. That is WRONG. So nix the girlfriend suggestion.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Then it happened. She admitted that she isn't into working on our marriage right now. (She really never has been.) .


There’s the understatement of the year.



> This, despite her telling me she is "begging" me to communicate.


 Because she want so blame you. 



> She said she isn't into working on anything because her heart was broken 3x and she needs to work on herself. She isn't interested in any relationships.


 Heartbroken for the OM. She wants a relationship, just not with you.



> The counselor asked if I would be able to help her heal through this process. My wife didn't blame me for the heartbreak, but said I wouldn't be able to help.


 True.



> She said she didn't want a divorce, but thought that it was inevitable.


 She wants a divorce; she doesn’t want to be blamed for it.

Houston, all this work you’ve been doing to try to save your marriage has really just put nails in the coffin. It’s very hard to do the right thing but it pays off in the end. She is completely turned off by you because she sees your actions as weak (no self respecting person would put up with her behavior and she knows it). You show no self respect by rewarding her for cheating (being a better husband) so she doesn’t respect you. You can’t love someone you don’t respect.

In her mind it’s over and has been for some time. You are just in denial about it. If you filed for a petition for a divorce tomorrow, tell her to do whatever the hell she wants, and went out on a friendly coffee date with a woman this weekend she would flip the hell out and start talking about saving the marriage. You won’t do that but a year from now you’ll wish you did.

I remember thinking like you, wanting to take the high road and wanted to be able to look back and say I did everything I could to save my marriage as well. I wanted to look like the good guy, the victim in the marriage. Like you I ignored most of what I saw as “negative” advice about how I should handle things. 

Now I look back at how I acted with regret. I did get my wife back but after I gave up on her and told her I wanted the D over ASAP so I can date with a clear conscience (I was dating but the women were giving me grief about still being married). Only when I stopped being nice and told her to go to hell is when the tables turned in my favor. I regret being a wuss when trying to work on my M with someone having an affair on me. I lost a lot of my dignity and self respect by being the nice guy when all it did was push her away more. I should have filed the day I found out about the A, I bet it would have knocked a year off on the R process in my case.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> A girlfriend may cause your wife to see you in a totally different light and wake her up to the reality that she's not the only woman in the world for you. But it's a bad idea because you would be using another human being, a woman, as tool to get your wife back and recommit to you. That is WRONG. So nix the girlfriend suggestion.


I agree with you Morituri. To get this far being faithful and all, I'm not about to "F" it up. The only wake-up call I see possibly working before it's officially over is filing for divorce. I think she believes I won't do it because of my past behavior of being a procrastinator. But life changing events sure can change a person if you know what I mean. Right now, I need to figure out finances and what my wife should be contributing towards while she is separated. I have student loans I need to pay off (just finished my masters last year) and we have payments on a mattress, utilities, child support, etc. Right now, she suggested mortgage and paying for her car loan. :scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HD, you know once she's up in MN the money she promised is going to vanish. She'll be needing cash up there for expenses, new clothes to look good etc.

Why are you letting her sit there and play victim and openly state shes's heartbroken for the other man? You know how you get over heartbreak: You start dating again. Clearly that's going to be going on in MN. But you'll be in TX and unable to know what's going on there. 

You are setting yourself up for long deep drawn out pain if you don't deal with this before she leaves. Once she's up there she'll be back doing semi-nude bike rides, while you sit and worry and post here. 

If you can see the brick wall you're going to drive into, why don't you put on the brakes and stop the collision if you can?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh! And another thing I forgot during our counselor meeting. My wife wants to start over in the sense of being like strangers and to go out on a date, etc. It's like she's trying to ERASE our previous marriage. I've heard about old marriages dying while new ones form, but I can't pretend to be this stranger who doesn't remember the good times and bad from our previous marriage. My wife hasn't worn her marriage ring since April while I have too. Am I wrong to think she's acting unreasonable with this long-distance friendship and dating?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you read any of the other threads? It is so obvious what works and what doesn't. Nothing your doing has ever worked as far as I can tell . My comment about finding a new girl friend wasn't about what you should do. It was pointing out to you that after your wife leaves for Minn the marriage is over. Sorry, and I wish you the best of luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So did you ask her if part of being strangers is that you also have no sense of fidelity or monogamy to one another?

Common, she's going to MN. You're in TX. You can't date a girl that far away. You also can't just begin as strangers when you have children in the mix.

Everything she says is consistent: she wants out and to be single.

Common Houston - learn from other's experience and realize that you can't work on a marriage unless both parties are working on it. She's not. In fact she's working hard to get out, while keeping you around to pay the bills.

This isn't gonna turn around until she hits bottom and realizes that this twisted reality she is trying to live in doesn't work. She is a mom and a wife, she is a cheater and a liar, and currently she is a selfish woman in denial and about to abandon her family.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate so much input from you guys. I feel stronger from your encouragement and advice. I know now that my in-laws and counselor meant well, but my wife took advantage for way too long. I am creating a list of finances as I type this comment down. Keep the advice coming. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If it were me and she actually leaves The last thing I would do is answer the phone, return emails, skype etc. If she wants to be a part of the family let her stay and work it out. Right now she thinks she has you with a ring in your nose. If she abandons her family let her find out what alone is really about. Make her go through someone else to communicate and only about the divorce. Your families only hope is to shock her back into reality. Some women really do abandon their children, hope she can't stand it but she might. Don't let her think for a minute you will just be a babysitter pining away at home while she's partying in Minnesota.........God bless you and your family.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Currently, I have not yet made the push to get an attorney. Our finances have taken a hit as of late, plus since my wife turned in her resignation after being demoted, I will be the sole breadwinner at the end of this month. My wife and I have discussed our "separation" and don't want it to turn ugly so I am hoping that if this goes to divorce that it can be done for the minimum. For now, my wife is still determined to move into her cousin's home in a few weeks. Her father is financially well off and has offered to help her and me out with the finances until she gets a job. My wife has asked me what I feel she is responsible for paying. I told her I'll get back to her because I want to make sure the list I create doesn't miss anything. Last night, I found a paper that had her write down things she thinks she is responsible for. Here it is:
1. 1/2 mortgage
2. 1/2 utilities & water
3. Her own car note.
That's it. Here are other things that need to be paid at the end of the month. Not sure which I am responsible for and which ones she is:
1. Child support (this one I strongly feel she needs to help out in, not sure how much. Kids are 5 & 10).
2. Student Loans (just finished masters last summer).
3. Credit Cards ( we basically have two to still pay off).
I can't think of anything else off top of my head. I don't intend for doing this for too long ( a month?) until I get the opportunity to do my homework and go the route of divorce if my wife does not come out of the fog. I believe my wife wants to help us out. She brought up the idea right after she told me she was moving away. I just don't know how much she is willing to meet my "demands". Her father loves his grandchildren and I to death so I know he would help. Also, if anyone has knowledge of going the quick route of serving divorce papers, etc. I am all ears. I have a few weeks to get my self prepared for the big "D" moment. I have done everything I could to make this work. I am ready to let go. But I can tell that I am waiting to see if she'll actually move up there away from the family. If she moves, I will pull the "D" trigger. Without a doubt.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If the 2 of you are determined to D., you can do it yourselves

You can pull the D. packet for your state, off the internet, sit down with your wife, fill everything out, and file it, at the closest courthouse.

If you have any questions about anything---go to the closest law library, and look up what you need to know

Probably half of the D's that happen now-a-days, are done by the parties themselves, the total cost is the filing fee.

I just helped a good friend of mine do hers, she went to the courthouse, paid $20 for the D. packets, we spent 2 days slowly/carefully filling them out, she served her H. he signed the paperwork, they worked out their property split, and it was done---total cost $365 to file, $20 for the packet, she had a friend serve her H. so no cost on that----that was it----court rubber stamped everything


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