# Does he want it or not?"



## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

Well...this all kind of confuses me. Rather my H confuses me. Befor we seperated 4 months ago I was LD. Now that we are in R I am fairly HD. I want it about 4 times per week. One of the reasons why he wanted to seperate was because I stopped touching him (He is VERY much a "physical touch" person) often rejected him and never initiated sex. Point taken. Now this is where I get confused. I feel like I am now initiating about 1/2 the time but alot of my advances go unnoticed or he stops me. I will literally unzip his pants and put it in my mouth... or start giving him a hj, he enjoys for a few mins then finds some way to stop me. Like and this is the MOST commen thing he says is "later" so I always say that later never comes....literally and then we just go on to do other non-sexual stuff, cuddling, massages..etc. I am starting to think that he doesn't want me at all. He does watch porn and masterbates, which I have no problem with but wouldn't you rather have sex with your wife then do it yourself? What do you guys think?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sounds like a phase... we went through this, have you talked to him about it and how it makes you feel? I think that is most important, communicating your needs and desires and getting him to communicate his, maybe he doesn't understand you sudden increased desire, maybe he is wanting to reconnect first, maybe due to your LD before he got in the 'habit" of masturbating and doesn't know how to stop and you need to ask him to. There are so many things we can all speculate but only he can answer.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When you were rejecting him, you were in complete control. Now that you're initiating, he has "some" control so he's exercising it. Possibly subconsciously. This kind of behaviour stems from resentment over your past denials. Give it some time. Call him on it, and maybe consider apologizing for the past and having a frank conversation about it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Working... has an excellent point, you now know how he felt before... you may want to mention that and say something about how horrible it feels and how you are sorry you didn't pay attention to his needs before!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Or maybe it's a little payback in his mind.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

dragonfli said:


> Well...this all kind of confuses me. Rather my H confuses me. Befor we seperated 4 months ago I was LD. Now that we are in R I am fairly HD. I want it about 4 times per week. One of the reasons why he wanted to seperate was because I stopped touching him (He is VERY much a "physical touch" person) often rejected him and never initiated sex. Point taken. Now this is where I get confused. I feel like I am now initiating about 1/2 the time but alot of my advances go unnoticed or he stops me. I will literally unzip his pants and put it in my mouth... or start giving him a hj, he enjoys for a few mins then finds some way to stop me. Like and this is the MOST commen thing he says is "later" so I always say that later never comes....literally and then we just go on to do other non-sexual stuff, cuddling, massages..etc. I am starting to think that he doesn't want me at all. He does watch porn and masterbates, which I have no problem with but wouldn't you rather have sex with your wife then do it yourself? What do you guys think?


Have you voiced your concern about him choosing porn/masturbating over his willing wife? 

What were the other reasons HE wanted the separation? I think if you are attempting to respond to one of his reasons for wanting to separate, he would embrace that. Has he changed his mind about the reconciliation? Are y'all in any kind of MC?


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

He doesn't masturbate everyday that I know of. I have asked him why he doesn't want sex or me and he just says he is tired or stressed. I have apologized to him. He also said that he got so used to being rejected that sometimes he thinks I am faking being into him and wanting him. The other reasons for the separation are he was having an EA and what I think was some sort of early (hes 29) mid life crisis thing. He very much is into the R and we are going to MC.


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## dragonfli (Apr 10, 2012)

This is my previous post from 4 months ago when he asked me for a D. I found out about the EA. He ended contact, gave me transparency and we started R and MC. I know its still pretty early for things to be GREAT!
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44318-just-found-out-h-having-ea.html


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Hmmmm. Are you guys in counselling?

You both need to understand what it takes to make the marriage work, holding onto resentments when one person is trying hard will just make things worse. Especially if you can look past his ea and initiate etc.

Have you also worked out why you lost attraction for him? what happened? other wise it will happen again.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

dragonfli said:


> He doesn't masturbate everyday that I know of. I have asked him why he doesn't want sex or me and he just says he is tired or stressed. I have apologized to him. He also said that he got so used to being rejected that sometimes he thinks I am faking being into him and wanting him. The other reasons for the separation are he was having an EA and what I think was some sort of early (hes 29) mid life crisis thing. He very much is into the R and we are going to MC.


Have you brought any of this up in MC?... 

It sounds like you can't win for losing  So you turn it around, you're into him and now he's accusing you of faking it, so he's beginning to create a wedge when you both should be doing what you need to be doing to have a successful reconciliation.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll take a different view of it


after x amount of years of being rejected, his confidence level with you desiring him and finding him sexy has been destroyed

now that your libido has skyrocketed he is having trouble accepting that you do indeed find him sexy and want to have sex with him. IOW- he is having trouble trouble trusting that you are initiating because you actually want it and likely thinks you are initiating just out of need to keep the marriage together and probably even fears it is a temporary phase that will taper off again

ego is a funny thing


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> IOW- he is having trouble trouble trusting that you are initiating because you actually want it and likely thinks you are initiating just out of need to keep the marriage together and probably even fears it is a temporary phase that will taper off again


That thought rolls around my mind. 

She didn't give a rip about my needs when her drive cratered. Now her drive is way up, and I'm not denying her anything. I've got to push away that nagging thought that she could drop back and do it to me twice when I did what she wanted in between.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Ding ding ding...we have a winner. He is likely so worn down from rejection that he can't let all his defenses down now. What if this is flavor of the month and he is destined to go back to the "excuse of the month" wasteland. He has a right to be this cynical because he has paid his emotional dues, probably until he had no more to pay. The idea of rejecting my wife's advance is so appealing to me but it would be a nuclear holocaust so i dare not. Every relationship is different, so it is a viable way for him to reassert some control over the "currency" that she has wielded exclusive power over.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll take a different view of it
> 
> 
> after x amount of years of being rejected, his confidence level with you desiring him and finding him sexy has been destroyed
> ...


He is playing the victim then. Her H cheated on her and suggested he wanted to date and have sex with others... Yes, ego is a funny thing... Some are obviously bigger than others.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Cherry said:


> He is playing the victim then. Her H cheated on her and suggested he wanted to date and have sex with others... Yes, ego is a funny thing... Some are obviously bigger than others.


well then, I didnt know that


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> Or maybe it's a little payback in his mind.


Or it's the porn and masturbating.


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