# I'm no longer attracted....



## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

I'd like a woman's perspective on how to approach this with wife; however, male opinions very much welcomed.

I love my wife and would do anything to make her happy. In fact, I used struggled the with guilt of this, but I no longer find my wife physically--sexually attractive due to weight gain. I suspect that she knows this because she has asked me about this, but I don't know how to honestly tell her about this issue. As a result this has put unwanted strain in our marriage because our intimicay has dwinddled. I want to lust for my wife, and want to not be able to take my eyes off of her and want to look forward to her dressing up (so I can undress her), but non is the case. On the other hand my wife still very much finds me sexually attractive. I'm not saying that I'm in the best shape of my life, I'll admit, but we have different needs and sex is different for us. What's frustrating is that I have tried to bring this to her attention before it got worst, but she only tries to make me feel guilty by pointing out my physique--though she physically finds me attractive. This has amplified other problems we are trying to workout in our young marriage. She herself has admitted to letting herself go, I've even contemplated lipo in the areas she's struggling with but I do not want to hurt her feelings. Recently after a big arguement, she began taking some steps, its still inconsistent with real actions. How do I approach this situation? Ladies if this was you, how would you want your husband to tell you about his feelings? Remeber I'd rather lust for her than other women. (I don't want fantasy love conquers all answers plz---this is real life).


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sex is an excellent form of excersize. Try all sorts of positions like belly dancing while riding cowgirl or even squats in this position too. You could lie on your back and have her do push ups while giving you a bj.

Outside of the bedroom.... Both of you could make plans to eat healthier. Practice wrestling or doing some karate with each other. Jogging or walking together, chatting about anything and everything works. Yoga and belly dancing could be fun for her along with some other dancing excersizes.

Speaking of dancing.... Both of you could try learning the tango or cha cha together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Hi I'm over here where the grass is supposed to be greener.

I have the opposite problem. My wife is 106lbs, works out, and is a little hottie. 
My problem is her actions and attitude have ruined it for me. Her constant rejections, nasty attitude, spoiled-ness, selfishness, lack of respect and years of sexless marriage make her look ugly to me now. I can see right through it and it's very very unattractive.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee is 5 ft 7 at 220+ lbs and we have no kids, yet.

We had a verbal fight late last night because I was extremely in the mood and she tells me, I'm tired. So I got angry and told her the #1 reason our marriage sucks is because of your sex drive. I went to work in the morning and she was upset. Later on we had the long talk and I told her my sexual fantasies I want to do with her (she still is NO for anal) and she told me she's is going to get a shot in her vagina that resets her bodies hormones and gets her sex drive up. She showed me this and that she's been to a therapist and she even bought us a man and woman book on sex and our lives that we will read together. That night, I started kissing her neck and area , she didn't cringe and we went upstairs. I proceeded to give her oral and she told me, this night is for you. Great BJ, doggie, playing with my balls while missionary, just great and for the first time, she slept with me naked all night (she never does this) and woke up happy and cuddled out. I think it's finally sinking in for her!!! She also asked me, since I'm a God fearing man, about sex do's and don'ts. I told her, since we are married, we can do anything she wants and besides a 3 some, lets do whatever pops in your head!!! So now she understands and knows.

My wife has also got comfy and let herself go and she knows I don't like this. She is looking at going back to a gym now and I told her, it has to be a life style change, not just 1 year and quit. 

Compared to most women, my wife is big and not as physically hot, very true. But she on the inside makes most women look bad and if she loses the weight, fantastic.

Have a talk with your woman and tell her, she needs to get back in shape for the sake of your relationship / marriage, otherwise, if she gets even bigger and does nothing, time to move on. She's supposed to give you her best, not get lazy and comfy.

To lose weight, Intermittent Fasting (16 hours of only water and 8 hours of what you'd eat in the day) and mini snack meals every 3 hours. You will lose weight and no sugars, wheats or red meats or fast foods. With cardio and some weights, the weight will come off.:smthumbup:


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

As a woman, and the kind of woman I am, I would want my SO to just flat out tell me. I'd be ok to hear exactly what you wrote here. It's not too harsh, it doesn't sound mean or nasty. 

You're sincere and you want your wife & no one else. I think you should tell her the same way you told us, but bring a solution to the table as has been suggested. Something you could do together. That way, it could improve your closeness as well. 

I suppose it depends on how close you are. Are you best friends? Again, tell her, but offer a solution.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Weight is something she CAN and should control. Its actionable. If there is something that is unattractive to your spouse and IS actionable or changeable then I think you should tell them. Remember though, you can NEVER UNSAY things, so be careful how you do this. But weight is something she has control of and she should want you to be attracted to her. That said- attraction should be(in a healthy marriage) based on more than physical attributes. So tell her, have a plan to help her lose the weight and take a good look at yourself ad make the improvements you should be making as well.

Good luck.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

I used to try different things to keep sex interesting. But it's frustrating because I was doing most of the work in bed. The only time my wife bought a sexy sex clothing was for our honey moon. Its like she expects sex for me to be the same for her, like I'm just supposed to be turned on cause I'm a man or something--there's no seduction from her either. when shes on top i still have to do most of the work because shes out of shape. I went out spent money on activities to help, but she's rarely open to new things....Your idea about the dancing is good though, I think I'll try that one. Keep them coming cause I'm getting towards the end here. I have needs.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Sex is an excellent form of excersize. Try all sorts of positions like belly dancing while riding cowgirl or even squats in this position too. You could lie on your back and have her do push ups while giving you a bj.
> 
> Outside of the bedroom.... Both of you could make plans to eat healthier. Practice wrestling or doing some karate with each other. Jogging or walking together, chatting about anything and everything works. Yoga and belly dancing could be fun for her along with some other dancing excersizes.
> 
> ...


I used to try different things to keep sex interesting. But it's frustrating because I was doing most of the work in bed. The only time my wife bought a sexy sex clothing was for our honey moon. Its like she expects sex for me to be the same for her, like I'm just supposed to be turned on cause I'm a man or something--there's no seduction from her either. when shes on top i still have to do most of the work because shes out of shape. I went out spent money on activities to help, but she's rarely open to new things....Your idea about the dancing is good though, I think I'll try that one. Keep them coming cause I'm getting towards the end here. I have needs.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> As a woman, and the kind of woman I am, I would want my SO to just flat out tell me. I'd be ok to hear exactly what you wrote here. It's not too harsh, it doesn't sound mean or nasty.
> 
> You're sincere and you want your wife & no one else. I think you should tell her the same way you told us, but bring a solution to the table as has been suggested. Something you could do together. That way, it could improve your closeness as well.
> 
> I suppose it depends on how close you are. Are you best friends? Again, tell her, but offer a solution.


Your answer makes me think I'm losing my mind because I've already tried that. She herself even acknowledged that she's not in her best shape, but after a short effort she only ended up turning it on me---mind you she's still sexually attracted to me to always ask for sex. I even reinsured her that I'm not looking for a supermodel, I just want to lust and stay in love with my wife. It's very hard to be honest with someone who takes every personally, constent re-assurance, and trying to watch what and how you say things. I'm here now because this has escalated and I can't afford counseling. You seem to understand...but I think she's taken me and my needs for granted.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Exercise alone won't help her lose weight. She needs to track what she's eating, Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com is a good site for this.

All you can do is be honest. Say, "Wife, I love you. That won't change. But I can't be sexually attracted to you while you're this weight. I hate saying this, because I know it will hurt your feelings and I love you so much, but it's the truth and its not going to change." Then don't let her argue with you, or try to guilt you because she feels differently. Men and women often do feel differently about this issue, it's just the way it is.

Good luck.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Try to see her as who she is, as the person you fell in love with, and to see past the object of your not so aroused desire. See if you can romance her a little and put yourselves in the mood. Then, do it with the lights off while imagining a thinner her. It might work as a quick fix for now, while she is working on her weight issue. 

If, however, you are being tempted elsewhere because of this, then tell her gently and honestly and compassionately. How would you want to be told if you were in her shoes? Try " I love you and I want to feel more desire for you again, but, as much as I am embarrassed to bring it up, I am having a problem being attracted to your bigger size. As you have also mentioned wanting to lose weight, lets hire you a personal trainer for three months. What do you say? By the way, I bet there are things about me that upset you; is there something I can change to make you more attracted or pleased with me and how can I show you that I am serious about it?" And then do the thing she expects of you, too.

Honesty is important. As long as you are kind and respectful, the truth is better than repressing and ignoring your feelings. Surely, you can both change something to make your marriage better and by both conceding a change to the other, this becomes a team effort rather than an attack on her body image.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

moxy said:


> *If, however, you are being tempted elsewhere* because of this, then tell her gently and honestly and compassionately.
> 
> How would you want to be told if you were in her shoes? Try " I love you and I want to feel more desire for you again, but, as much as I am embarrassed to bring it up, I am having a problem being attracted to your bigger size.
> 
> Everyone's different.


Hi 

Depends on how she would react to this? 

I don't know... I won't be shocked if these "frustrated husbands" had already looked at other women's pictures online for example at this "advanced" stage. Or Peering at an attractive girl walking down the street if he's so frustrated so much?

This may sound odd but not everyone likes a fit, hard body in females. There are many men who are really into a round body with loads of meat on it to grab hold of. My h for example, seems to be attracted to big breasted and large body size sexually. I often suspected that it's because he likes different body types not purely just a model shape.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I would love to hear how you resolve this. I am also not attracted to my wife. My wife was 165lbs (5'7") when I married her and I found her very attractive, so it isn't as if I require a skinny little thing to be attracted. She is a very nice woman, with an infectious laugh and is a fantastic mother to our children. However, in our 20 years of marriage, she has gained another 165lbs. and is now morbidly obese. There are a lot of things that happen to people as we age, weight gain (reasonable), thinning hair, gray hair, wrinkles, sagging parts, etc. that are just normal and would not affect my attraction, especially if the person has a personality that I find attractive. Morbid obesity is the ONE thing I cannot get over. I myself have kept in very good shape because I won't accept that for myself. No matter how much I might like her as a person, I cannot bring myself to be physically attracted to her. This has been an ongoing stress in my life because sex is very infrequent and mostly because of me. Yes, everything I can think of has been tried. She has seen doctors (no health cause), I've tried to get her to participate in an active lifestyle, etc. She doesn't eat healthy but she doesn't binge eat either ... she eats no more than I do and I have very low body fat. She is, however, extremely inactive and always has been. As she says, she is allergic to sweat. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor must have brought up her weight nearly every session, not as having consequence on our marriage but out of concern for her health and she told her so (wow!). I am at a complete loss. I'm a sexual and affectionate person and I cannot seem to be that with her. It is hard to imagine a divorce on the basis of not finding her sexually attractive but it is hard to imagine spending the rest of my life in a fairly sexless marriage. 

If you find an answer, I sure would like to hear it.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Hi

Well, you need to check what she's buying in a supermarket (check her receipts each time). She may well be binging on a large quantity of baked goods e.g. cakes, breads etc out of boredom but not when you are around looking. 

She's probably aware that her weight is an issue so she probably won't be eating these in front of you... I believe she's probably addicted to comfort foods and lazy lifestyle.

She's killing herself to an early grave unless she changes her lifestyle soon. Good luck!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> Hi
> 
> Well, you need to check what she's buying in a supermarket (check her receipts each time). She may well be binging on a large quantity of baked goods e.g. cakes, breads etc out of boredom but not when you are around looking.
> 
> ...


This is a good idea. Years ago, I took over the grocery shopping and also control the finances. I'm aware of everything she spends. On the occasion that she does go grocery shopping, she WILL buy a lot of snack foods that I won't buy. Controlling the groceries didn't help her lose weight but it has slowed down her weight gain. The real answer is a change in lifestyle: a healthy diet along with daily exercise. Unfortunately, this is a change my own wife is unwilling to make. She has invested a lot in accepting and being happy with herself ... and this includes being morbidly obese. She is fine with it (despite the health problems it is starting to cause) and expects me to be fine with it. The problem is no jedi mind trick is available to help me get past her weight. It is hard to describe how large she is and how bad she looks without her clothes on.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

V10Viper - I'm really surprised by the responses here. From my experience as a woman and having female friends, I can tell you that approaching this the wrong way will drive her away and be self-defeating. If she believes she is ugly and fat, she will probably eat more out of hopelessness. She will resent you and she will have less motivation. Don't tell her she is fat. You can talk about improving BOTH of your health however - which addressing will improve image as well as health.

Women are VERY sensitive about their weights. If you want her to lose weight, there are a few ways to go about this. For one, YOU need to get your ass in shape, too. You said she points to your faults when you talk about hers... Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change? Only she needs to because you are pickier? You need to go through the work WITH her not throwing in on her alone.

Alternatively, fork up the money for a dietician AND personal trainer for her. Many women find it very hard to do it alone and envy the Hollywood ladies who have experts walk them through every step. That may be all that she needs - someone to coach her through it all.

She has to want to lose weight. She can't just do it because you are resenting her weight gain. I am maybe 15 pounds overweight and very upset about that. (I've had eating disorders in the past - which are way more common than most realize.) But thank goodness I have a husband who insists that I'm not overweight and that he likes my body! 

I feel sorry for your wife. Your attitude towards her weight is more mean than helpful - in my honest opinion. 

Unless she is morbidly obese, like JustSomeGuyWho's wife. In that case for both health and ability to have sex, the wife has got to step up majorly. Again, JustSomeGuyWho... has she ever had a personal trainer and dietician? She really needs both and a lot of support.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

One more thing: You intimated that you are nearing the end of the rope and are tempted to go outside of marriage. Do tell before you do. Otherwise you will damage her and your marriage and yourself in the worst of ways once the infidelity comes to light - and it will and ruin lives in the process.

Just tell her that you are a bit shallow, and you wish you weren't, but if she can't lose the weight, then you will have to seek some sexual gratification on the side. Forewarn her.

Or divorce her. That's the higher road here. Don't cheat. All will lose if you do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> V10Viper - I'm really surprised by the responses here. From my experience as a woman and having female friends, I can tell you that approaching this the wrong way will drive her away and be self-defeating. If she believes she is ugly and fat, she will probably eat more out of hopelessness. She will resent you and she will have less motivation. Don't tell her she is fat. You can talk about improving BOTH of your health however - which addressing will improve image as well as health.
> 
> Women are VERY sensitive about their weights. If you want her to lose weight, there are a few ways to go about this. For one, YOU need to get your ass in shape, too. You said she points to your faults when you talk about hers... Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change? Only she needs to because you are pickier? You need to go through the work WITH her not throwing in on her alone.
> 
> ...


I agree that telling her may be self-defeating. I REALLY struggle with this. How do I tell her without telling her? I've tried nearly every sly approach in the book to tell her without telling her. Should I simply pretend it isn't a problem and let it continue in order to spare her feelings? Being 15 lbs overweight is far different than being morbidly obese. She was far more than 15lbs overweight when we married and I was completely hot for her.  

Just last night, I told her I was going to bed early ... and I think she took this as a request for sex. Coming out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see her sitting there on the edge of the bed with the "we have to talk" look. She asked how I could expect her to have sex if I don't first show affection for her. I had no idea what to say and stumbled for a bit. I had several thoughts. 

One is that I am not affectionate with her BECAUSE I am not attracted to her. I AM a very affectionate person and I am extremely affectionate with my daughters. She has mentioned several times that she wishes I was as affectionate with her as I am with them. She has a good point in that my affection with my daughters is not sexual and is based entirely on my love for them and my connection with them ... so why not her? What would sexual attraction have to do with it? Shouldn't love be enough? Well, it isn't ... she is my wife and not my daughter and there needs to be a physical connection as well as an emotional one. 

Another thought was that we have lost our emotional connection for a number of reasons, one of them is that our emotional connection is not reinforced by a physical connection. Another reason is that we have a hard time finding things we both enjoy doing together. I tend to enjoy things that require activity and she doesn't. Active things, for me, builds that connection and she has no interest in those things. I remember one moment many years ago pitching softballs to her ... she hit one back that nearly took my head off. I ran up to her, picked her up and gave her a kiss she still remembers. I would have ripped our clothes off right there if there weren't other people around. There were many moments like that ... from a time long ago. A night playing cards, games, etc. is something that interests her and I will go along with it every once in a while but is not high on my list of things I like to do. Sitting there watching tv together does nothing for me even though I will do it. In other words, I will do things with her that she wants to do but they aren't effective in building an emotional connection.

Lastly, my overriding thought was that I wasn't asking for sex. It just highlighted the fact that she is not entirely aware or at least refuses to acknowledge that I'm not attracted to her or that her weight could possibly be an issue for me. She does have some awareness ... even asking me once last year if I was gay (you know because if I wasn't attracted to HER then I must not be attracted to women). It seemed like the opportune moment to tell her exactly why I wasn't interested in having sex. Instead, I chose to tell her that I wasn't feeling emotionally connected to her and her solution was to have date night next week. 

She has had a dietician ... several, in fact. A personal trainer is a great idea and one that I will try. Every once in a while she will express an interest in exercise. I have tried all sorts of approaches to this. Fitness is a hobby of mine but I'm well aware that a third-party hold her accountable is likely going to be far more effective in helping her than I am.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> One more thing: You intimated that you are nearing the end of the rope and are tempted to go outside of marriage. Do tell before you do. Otherwise you will damage her and your marriage and yourself in the worst of ways once the infidelity comes to light - and it will and ruin lives in the process.
> 
> Just tell her that you are a bit shallow, and you wish you weren't, but if she can't lose the weight, then you will have to seek some sexual gratification on the side. Forewarn her.
> 
> Or divorce her. That's the higher road here. Don't cheat. All will lose if you do.


I agree. Cheating will solve nothing and she doesn't deserve it. How would you feel if she invited another man into your bed because you weren't interested in having sex with her? If it could be recorded, how would you feel hearing her having sex with another man? My point is don't do to others. That is the ultimate in selfishness when you can cause that much pain and hurt because you're not getting yours. Do her the favor of leaving her before you cheat on her.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

V10,

I've had the same exact problem in my marriage for a VERY long time. The problem was one of shame in my wife's mind. When I finally came out with it, my wife completely freaked out. This is because she cannot separate "I have no sexual attraction for you" from "I don't love you." I've tried to explain it a million times -- how I can love her but be completely unattracted -- yet it's something she continued to reject vehemently. Initially she lashed out in anger. We get along much better these days, but she lacks the initiative, self discipline, or faith that she can ever secure my affection. So we just don't have sex. We get along, but honestly, this continues to defeat us.

A woman dealing with shame will, IMO, need several things to be successful. 
1. Willingness to hear and act upon truth
2. An overly supportive and reassuring husband
3. Optimistic, "yes I can!" outlook on life
4. Self discipline

As for what you can do, I would suggest letting the ball down slowly. I would not hide the truth any longer. Trust me when I say that makes things much, much worse. I spent years in depression over this.

Instead speak the truth with gentleness in love. Help her to understand God created men to be attracted physically to their wives, and that she is removing this vital component from the equation. Use this also as an opportunity for both of you to achieve genuine health, so you can spend many happy years together instead of going along in misery.

Best luck, my friend

-seahorse


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's true that telling her honestly how you feel may not inspire her to lose weight, but not saying anything and pretending everything is fine definitely won't.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> V10Viper - I'm really surprised by the responses here. From my experience as a woman and having female friends, I can tell you that approaching this the wrong way will drive her away and be self-defeating. If she believes she is ugly and fat, she will probably eat more out of hopelessness. She will resent you and she will have less motivation. Don't tell her she is fat. You can talk about improving BOTH of your health however - which addressing will improve image as well as health.
> 
> Women are VERY sensitive about their weights. If you want her to lose weight, there are a few ways to go about this. For one, YOU need to get your ass in shape, too. You said she points to your faults when you talk about hers... Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change? Only she needs to because you are pickier? You need to go through the work WITH her not throwing in on her alone.
> 
> ...


I appreciate all the responses and suggestions, but using one of the replies as an example (a bit confused by the message) let me create some exit points along this advice highway so we can stay focus.

1. I Love my wife and want to not fall out of love with her
2. Loving, being in love, and being sexually attracted to someone are not synonyms and are different for men and women...point blank. 
3. If I wanted to cheat I wouldn't be on this forum asking for advice so lets stay out of the extremes. I'm trying save my marriage. 

My wife has needs just like I do. Let me tell you a story to answer the comment "...Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change?" One day my wife saw a man who was overweight and out of shape, do you know what her reaction was? The total opposite of attraction. My wife loves me and finds me sexually attractive, but do you know what she says to me if get a 5'oclock shadow? ITS A TURN OFF! She used to hate the way I dress, you know why? IT DIDN'T DO IT FOR HER. You know what my response was? It wasn't blame shifting or finger pointing, it was exactly the following: "dress me how you like it." You know what happened, I have a closet full of clothes that I wear to make her happy sexually! I don't by a single fabric unless I think she'll not just like, but find me sexy.

:iagree:JustSomeGuy hit it right on the nail and I'll piggy back, I love my mother, sister, and other female relatives. I think they are pretty women, but I do not go to bed thinking of them sexually. I want to with my wife because she is my wife. I don't ask for her to be a supermodel (though it would be cherry on top). On the other hand, I want to be seduced by my wife. I want her to have to fight me off with a stick and nails at the end of it. I want her to be my mistress. The warnings on cheating, I appreciate, but if I voice my concern about sexual desires and attraction and I'm supposed to be guilty or shallow? We haven't had any children (and yet I know women who's gotten in shape after), we're both still in the the prime years of our libido. Why shouldn't I get to lust after my wife is the main point here? In all of this, I still fantasize of the days when she used to be in good shape. Man I still remember how I couldn't even keep my hands off of her while she was driving, or I used to imaging of ways I could just drill a hard one into her without prejudice or concern for the health of her hip bone...I'd think having that kind of passion and wanting to keep it is something a wife would want to provide from only her. 
Why shouldn't I be able to enjoy her in shorts, mid drifts, and spaghetti strapped dresses? Yes I need to get in better shape, we both do, but she gets to look at me and get turned on, but I don't get to enjoy the same feeling. Women want us to understand their emotional needs (which is by the way why I'm seeking resolution on how to approach this) but ladies, shouldn't it be fair to understand that men, husbands need physical attraction? We can feel neglected just as much as a woman can.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

seahorse said:


> V10,
> 
> I've had the same exact problem in my marriage for a VERY long time. The problem was one of shame in my wife's mind. When I finally came out with it, my wife completely freaked out. This is because she cannot separate "I have no sexual attraction for you" from "I don't love you." I've tried to explain it a million times -- how I can love her but be completely unattracted -- yet it's something she continued to reject vehemently. Initially she lashed out in anger. We get along much better these days, but she lacks the initiative, self discipline, or faith that she can ever secure my affection. So we just don't have sex. We get along, but honestly, this continues to defeat us.
> 
> ...


I find it crazy that a wife...woman would not want to keep the attention of her husband. If its only partnership or companionship why get married? Get a dog, a friend, support group. Before the husband you encouraged yourself to draw the attention, before the wedding there's no bigger boot camp then that of the bride's, but after that that's it? Passion over? Not all women are like that though.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I agree that telling her may be self-defeating. I REALLY struggle with this. How do I tell her without telling her? I've tried nearly every sly approach in the book to tell her without telling her. Should I simply pretend it isn't a problem and let it continue in order to spare her feelings? Being 15 lbs overweight is far different than being morbidly obese. She was far more than 15lbs overweight when we married and I was completely hot for her.
> 
> Just last night, I told her I was going to bed early ... and I think she took this as a request for sex. Coming out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see her sitting there on the edge of the bed with the "we have to talk" look. She asked how I could expect her to have sex if I don't first show affection for her. I had no idea what to say and stumbled for a bit. I had several thoughts.
> 
> ...


I complete understand your dilemma. I just suspect that its a case of being taken for granted. Or thinking that you're a woman, have womanly needs, and respond to sex, love, romance only how she views it. Society has brainwashed us to believe that physical attraction and love are one in the same. Once you're married you've lost the part of your brain processes physical attraction. I don't want to walk around and look at other women, I want to see my woman in shorts and sexy clothing that turns ME on from time to time like she used to be when we were dating...not what her heterosexual female friends tell her she looks good in.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Instead, I chose to tell her that I wasn't feeling emotionally connected to her and her solution was to have date night next week.
> 
> A personal trainer is a great idea and one that I will try. Every once in a while she will express an interest in exercise. I have tried all sorts of approaches to this. Fitness is a hobby of mine but *I'm well aware that a third-party hold her accountable is likely going to be far more effective in helping her than I am.*


Hi

This problem is probably much bigger than "let's hire a personal trainer" and see how she would respond to that. By all means, if she hadn't tried already, however. 

Instead of trying to tell her, "I don't find you attractive because you gained so much weight" in a "direct" language, you can tell her instead: "I wish you were little more outgoing and you would be able to do .......with me (describe your favourite activities)." "I wish you were able to wear that little black number you used to wear which made me fall in love" etc. 

They do say, obesity is partly genetic. You say that she was already slightly fuller than an average figure when you were dating. She probably had a in-built predisposition to gain weight easily than average women would do. For these people, softer approach may never work to lose weight. Plus, if she's going to lose quite a bit of her weight then you might also need to think about what will you do with all the excess loose skin she will end up getting. 

I do appreciate that you're into fitness and your Wife is completely the opposite. There won't be any short-term solution to this, sorry to say. 

All the best,


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What are you doing to make yourself look better? You, yourself say you have your faults. It works both ways.

Your wife loves you regardless of what you look like. It doesn't matter if your physical appearance has changed.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> What are you doing to make yourself look better? You, yourself say you have your faults. It works both ways.
> 
> Your wife loves you regardless of what you look like. It doesn't matter if your physical appearance has changed.


I agree that the husband also has a responsibility to look his best - for her and for him.

That is true but this is a forum about sex and it is a question of physical attraction. My own wife is morbidly obese and that is a huge turnoff for me no matter how I feel about her as a person. That's the dilemna. There are plenty of women posting here who still love their husband but have a problem remaining physically attracted to them because the husband has let themselves go.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

In my opinion the best way to approach this is from a health standpoint. You need to explain to her that you want to have a long marriage to her and she will not have a long life if she remains obese. She will die prematurely. 

I have been battling weight for 15 years now and I just recently made the serious commitment that I do not want to be sick anymore and want to be healthy. It helps that my wife and I are on the same page as to the approach we are taking. It is working for us. I am down 5 lbs in the last month and 8 in the last 2 months. I have 80 to go but will get there. What is working for us is a hard change but it works and is sustainable.

Consider the Paleo/Primal lifestyle. It is very healthy does not focus on counting calories and Chronic Cardio to lose weight. 

She does not need a personal trainer, gym membership, or a treadmill. Put that money towards quality food and appliances to make healthy meals. A high quality blender such as a Vitamix or Blendtek. Maybe a masticating juicer. Crock pot, immersion blender. A MagicChef meat slicer for excellent real rare roast beef. I cannot eat the processed junk from the grocery store anymore, it tastes like plastic. A vac sealer. A chest freezer. A good meal planning app like Mealboard. I have a digital electric smoker, I can't go to a BBQ competition with it, but I can easily make some darn good meat in there without babysitting a fire.

You just need to move at a moderate pace frequently, do a short strength training workout twice a week and move quickly once a week. Push-ups, pull-ups, planks and squats are all you really need to do to get a good strength workout. 20 minutes 2x a week. I can't do a real pull up yet, using a chair I am building up to it and am still doing knee push-ups but I will get there. I am also walking a lot and swimming when I can. You can walk together, talk and connect. Get a 99 cent GPS app on your phone such as Motion X and track your walks. It makes it fun. 2 months ago I started waking the dog for just 15 minutes, I am now up to about 1.5 miles average in about a half hour. Friday I did 3.6 miles in an hour, the last half mile I thought I was going to need to carry the dog. :smthumbup: 

There a several approaches to a low carb (not Atkins super low carb) lifestyle. We are using the Primal approach by Mark Sisson that is more liberal than a strict Paleo diet. The only real difference between the Paleo/Primal diet and a vegan/vegetarian is switching meat for the grains and beans. As an avid BBQ fanatic this is a diet i can get behind and stick with. I will eat ribs, steak, burgers, pork butt, bacon over bread any day. You can get a sample of his book The Primal Blueprint from his web site marksdailyapple.com. Read it and see what you think. The ebook is reasonable and Sisson has a free ebook on fitness that walks you through how to exercise properly and build up from ground zero. It is a great approach for those that do not like to do the whole gym rat routine. 

The first few weeks dumping the sugar and bread is hard, but once you break yourself of that addiction it becomes very easy. I compensated by eating more than I should for that first month, now the weight is coming off. I sure ate a lot of ribs and had fun doing it. 

If you both do this together, your marriage will improve and as you start seeing results your attraction will start to come back. My wife is getting more attracted to me because she sees progress and we are connecting more. 

Rediscover the Frisbee and get a good one. It is fun, cheap and you can do it anywhere. Remember that exercise has to be FUN. Go PLAY. At first don't just spring it on her, let her know that after you get home from work we are going to take a walk, or Saturday morning we are going outside and play frisbee for 20 minutes. 

Rediscover Tag. Get a few friends together and try it. You loved it as a kid, why not now? 

Sisson has some great user submitted videos on his site of adults that have found FUN ways to exercise. Grab the monkey bars down at the park, throw some logs, run up and down a hill, have a water ballon fight. 

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

It isn't that she doesn't want to keep her husband's attention. It's that she's convinced herself she'll never be able to. That isn't true, of course, but it's what she believes in her heart. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.



V10Viper said:


> I find it crazy that a wife...woman would not want to keep the attention of her husband. If its only partnership or companionship why get married? Get a dog, a friend, support group. Before the husband you encouraged yourself to draw the attention, before the wedding there's no bigger boot camp then that of the bride's, but after that that's it? Passion over? Not all women are like that though.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Radical honesty. Radical honesty is radical, not brutal. However, the radical part is in making sure your spouse understands the danger of ignoring their needs. Ie: "Wife, I want to be attracted to you and I am losing attraction quickly as you keep gaining weight. I prefer you to be at X,Y,Z size or weight, such as when we are married. I understand this may hurt your feelings, but you do need to know the truth of the situation."

Then leave the truth with her and see what she does with it. All the suggestions of trying to "trick" her into eating better or exercising will not work. She has to decide for herself that looking good for her husband is a priority....or she can decide is it not a priority, and then you, the OP, know HER radical honesty, which would be something like "I will take the risk of letting my husband be unattracted to me by not addressing the honest message he gave me".

If that is HER radical honesty, then you know where you stand and will have to consider your honest reaction to this message.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

V10Viper said:


> I find it crazy that a wife...woman would not want to keep the attention of her husband. If its only partnership or companionship why get married? Get a dog, a friend, support group. Before the husband you encouraged yourself to draw the attention, before the wedding there's no bigger boot camp then that of the bride's, but after that that's it? Passion over? Not all women are like that though.


Totally agree. You guys are way too nice and make life waaaay too cozy for these women. Stop tiptoeing around. 

Just some guy who: Morbid obesity is a deal breaker. Just like a wife who married a lazy guy who won't work. You didn't sign up for this. You are wasting the good years of your life. Show her pictures of herself. Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the behind. Your hints are not working! If you left her for an active woman I bet she would hit that treadmill faster than you could blink an eye. She would be looking good and dating again in 18 months. I'm not suggesting this I am just saying people are a lot stronger than you give her credit.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

Sunshine1234 said:


> Totally agree. You guys are way too nice and make life waaaay too cozy for these women. Stop tiptoeing around.
> 
> Just some guy who: Morbid obesity is a deal breaker. Just like a wife who married a lazy guy who won't work. You didn't sign up for this. You are wasting the good years of your life. Show her pictures of herself. Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the behind. Your hints are not working! If you left her for an active woman I bet she would hit that treadmill faster than you could blink an eye. She would be looking good and dating again in 18 months. I'm not advising you to leave her, I am saying she is a lot stronger than you give her credit for.


I would definitely want to know if my husband was feeling the way you are.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Sunshine1234 said:


> Totally agree. You guys are way too nice and make life waaaay too cozy for these women. Stop tiptoeing around.
> 
> Just some guy who: Morbid obesity is a deal breaker. Just like a wife who married a lazy guy who won't work. You didn't sign up for this. You are wasting the good years of your life. Show her pictures of herself. Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the behind. Your hints are not working! If you left her for an active woman I bet she would hit that treadmill faster than you could blink an eye. She would be looking good and dating again in 18 months. I'm not suggesting this I am just saying people are a lot stronger than you give her credit.


You hit on two things that have already crossed my mind -

1) If she just saw herself like I do ... she avoids pictures like crazy. I've actually thought of putting some photos together and let them do some of the talking. I have been accused of being too nice. It seems too mean.

2) The other thing I thought ... what is the first thing people who have been married awhile do after they divorce? They hit the gym and lose weight. Might save her life.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I agree with this. Some responses suggest to the OP that he approach his wife with a dodge: "I am concerned about your *health*." The truth is, health notwithstanding, it is about sexual attraction gone missing.

A person unwilling to believe weight gain can cause their spouse to lose attraction is a person living in utter denial. I really don't understand the blatant double standard when it comes to weight and women. While we should be careful not to injure with words, to conceal truth in order to make the spouse "feel better" is foolish, even dangerous!

I understand the need for a special grace given natural aging, following pregnancy, and due to disease. But to simply get lazy and refuse to exercise and eat right? Respectful? Loving?

One way we demonstrate love for our spouse is by how we take care of our bodies, or... how we don't.


-seahorse




Faithful Wife said:


> Radical honesty. Radical honesty is radical, not brutal. However, the radical part is in making sure your spouse understands the danger of ignoring their needs. Ie: "Wife, I want to be attracted to you and I am losing attraction quickly as you keep gaining weight. I prefer you to be at X,Y,Z size or weight, such as when we are married. I understand this may hurt your feelings, but you do need to know the truth of the situation."
> 
> Then leave the truth with her and see what she does with it. All the suggestions of trying to "trick" her into eating better or exercising will not work. She has to decide for herself that looking good for her husband is a priority....or she can decide is it not a priority, and then you, the OP, know HER radical honesty, which would be something like "I will take the risk of letting my husband be unattracted to me by not addressing the honest message he gave me".
> 
> If that is HER radical honesty, then you know where you stand and will have to consider your honest reaction to this message.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

seahorse said:


> One way we demonstrate love for our spouse is by how we take care of our bodies, or... how we don't.
> 
> 
> -seahorse


Not sure I agree with this. If she never exercised, never ate well ... never made taking care of her body a priority ... and I married her anyway ... then why should she think taking care of her body is a demonstration of love? She wasn't obese then but those bad habits over time have taken their toll. Of course since fitness IS important to me and always has, I have stayed fit while she has not ... so it is hard to tell how important that is to her in order to be physically attracted to me. 

If I dated now, I would be attracted to a woman who at least enjoys an active life if not one where fitness is part of her lifestyle. Her fitness would be important to her and she would likely continue to stay reasonably fit. I'm not sure she would consider it a demonstration of love to continue staying fit, she would do that for herself, but she would likely recognize that it is part of my attraction to her. 

20 years ago fitness and healthy eating wasn't nearly as popular as it is now; dieting was about watching fat content and eating as little as possible. I enjoyed fitness but relatively few people I knew spent a lot of time working out, running, etc. ... that has changed quite a bit. I didn't recognize then that our differences in lifestyle would become such a huge problem.

I remember for our honeymoon we went to New Zealand for a couple of weeks. We did the Milford Track hike. Incredible. Through a temperate rain forest, over a mountain pass to Milford Sound ... through water, over swinging bridges ... all sorts of terrain ... surrounded by waterfalls and glaciers ... little over 30 miles over a couple of days. I thought it was the best thing in the world ... she cursed me the whole way. She was excited to do it beforehand but I guess she didn't realize that all that beautiful scenery required that level of exertion. That was a red flag that I chose to ignore.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Radical honesty. Radical honesty is radical, not brutal. However, the radical part is in making sure your spouse understands the danger of ignoring their needs. Ie: "Wife, I want to be attracted to you and I am losing attraction quickly as you keep gaining weight. I prefer you to be at X,Y,Z size or weight, such as when we are married. I understand this may hurt your feelings, but you do need to know the truth of the situation."
> 
> Then leave the truth with her and see what she does with it. All the suggestions of trying to "trick" her into eating better or exercising will not work. She has to decide for herself that looking good for her husband is a priority....or she can decide is it not a priority, and then you, the OP, know HER radical honesty, which would be something like "I will take the risk of letting my husband be unattracted to me by not addressing the honest message he gave me".
> 
> If that is HER radical honesty, then you know where you stand and will have to consider your honest reaction to this message.


I've done that, even told what parts of her body I would find sexy. That approach has not worked which is why I'm seeking Advice. She herself will agree to the fact, but still not active enough to make real change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

V10Viper said:


> I've done that, even told what parts of her body I would find sexy. That approach has not worked which is why I'm seeking Advice. She herself will agree to the fact, but still not active enough to make real change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, there's your answer. You've told her, she knows, and she isn't going to do anything about it. 

Now you have to decide whether you're willing to end your marriage over this. I would.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Well, there's your answer. You've told her, she knows, and she isn't going to do anything about it.
> 
> Now you have to decide whether you're willing to end your marriage over this. I would.


That is decision is on the list because it honestly won't work long term like this. Rather than cheat I'd allow her to find someone who doesn't mind the size. But I'm here to get the perspective of others who may have been in the same situation and found solutions. This is very taxing and frustrating on the both of us. Its not fair to me to never have hot feelings for my wife, and its not fair to her that I can't be intimate.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

maybe fix yourself first. you said you had let yourself go a bit, why dont you try eating a bit healthier, going to the gym or getting some exercise ?
im not blaming you, its just that you cant make someone else do what you want them to, they have gotta want to do it too.

i had gained some weight after kids and wasnt happy with myself so I id something about it, started walking, eating better.... then later gym..

in the meantime i just asked hubby to support me... he has started walking 5 days a week and even though he still has a long way to go and he eats chocolate almost every day i can see he is making the effort

thats what counts to me

i would want my hubby to be hnest even though it hurt me.. maybe enough to want to to lose weight and look after myself...

my hubby always wanted me even when i was fatter but when i lose weight he wants me more...


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Viper, have you taken into account that she may be suffering from depression??? I would suggest the two of you to seek out marriage counseling to find out what is really missing in your relationship because it's much more than you think.:scratchhead:


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

The people I know IRL that let themselves go & put on a lot of weight eat too much, don't exercise & are lazy. 

There I said it.

I work damn hard post menopause (can cause weight gain) to stay in shape & so does my husband. We met 4 yrs. ago on an online dating site so our picture & body size was the first attraction not our sappy profiles.

We both feel so strongly to stay the same size that we first met at. If we gain a few, we work to lose a few. It's called working hard & not being lazy.

Same with my 1st husband. His belly started growing. We both didn't like it & worked together to eat healthier & exercise more. He made it very clear to me that he was only sexually attracted to women my size before we married. It didn't offend me at all during 22 yrs. of marriage; quite the opposite - it kept me in shape & healthy......I ended the marriage for other reasons......& was damn glad I was in shape when I started dating again 

OP, I don't know your wife so have no idea how to approach this but head on but that might backfire & you do love her & want to stay married so the direct approach may not work for you.

I do want to tell you that you are NOT shallow. We see these kinds of threads all the time. Maybe you can dig up some for advice.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You said this is a young marriage and you have imagined lipo for her "problem areas". How old are you guys? How big is she? I'm trying to discern if you are married to a morbidly obese woman or if your expectations are sky high and she has an extra 10lb?

Either way, you said your physique is less than perfect so I think instead of approaching this as something your wife needs to fix, you should approach it as a team. You can spend time together exercising and you can revise the household diet. You could have a lot of fun tackling this together, encouraging one another, and enjoying the results.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

Blonde said:


> You said this is a young marriage and you have imagined lipo for her "problem areas". How old are you guys? How big is she? I'm trying to discern if you are married to a morbidly obese woman or if your expectations are sky high and she has an extra 10lb?
> 
> Either way, you said your physique is less than perfect so I think instead of approaching this as something your wife needs to fix, you should approach it as a team. You can spend time together exercising and you can revise the household diet. You could have a lot of fun tackling this together, encouraging one another, and enjoying the results.


sigh, we are in our late 20s early 30s, and it's more than 20lbs. We've revised our diets, have access to a free gym, and I would end up working out more than her. I understand what you're saying, but the fact that she knows that I don't find her sexy should be motivation to keep my attention. Instead little has changed, and she gets frustrated due to lack of attention from me. There's no real motivation from her to do this. It's like the message is not registering. If I invite her to the park, she'll be on the bench. Bought roller skates so we can skate, now it's covered with dust. She has a health condition that her DOCTOR says is due to her weight gain. THERE ARE ENOUGH REASONS HERE. to her credit she has made numbered attempts, but advantages like even walking the dog is not taking. it's like in her mind, I'm supposed to magically always be attracted to her just because.


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

V10Viper said:


> it's like in her mind, I'm supposed to magically always be attracted to her just because.


Hi

Am I correct to assume that you're having some difficulty broaching the subject to your Wife, even gently?

I'm sure she's aware of your frustrations unless she's in some kind of denial. 

I'm sure there are other men who would like her figure (with more meat = sexy & womanly) and would find her still very attractive. Perhaps, she knows this and she could be quite puzzled by your "distorted" perception?

It seems that you're aspiring her to be in a super trim figure or size 0 dressed in skinny jeans and on the other hand, she's perfectly happy with her size? 

I'm sure she's an average size to most people. Maybe, your expectation is too high for her? You can stop looking at models in men's magazines and try not to think about this too much. These can be heavily photoshopped to look "perfect" as well.. 

I work out regularly as I enjoy outdoor pursuits and like to stay fit. My H was terribly slender when we first met but he's filling up to look more like a Man (with an average figure) these days instead of a teenager. It would be nice for him to continue to have a toned body but I wouldn't mind if he's "happy" with himself.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

Omegaa said:


> Hi
> 
> Am I correct to assume that you're having some difficulty broaching the subject to your Wife, even gently?
> 
> ...


lol...pedalstools are funny. you ask a question then go on judging. I'll answer you're first question. No, you've incorrectly assumed...I have gently explained this to my wife and furthermore she herself acknowledged that she has let herself go before I even said anything, that's where my frustration and seeking alternative to help her starts (READ THAT LINE AGAIN). No, I'm not attracted to size 0 girls so its not not what I'm asking for. 3rd, my wife has gained weight, and is NOT happy with her size either. To your other point...about other guys finding her sexy (that's stupid logic)! So my attraction Should be based on other guys now? Here's the facts, I was once attracted to my wife, I once loved her body and lusted after it, even when she gained 10 pounds I was hot and heavy for her and yet she's never been in a magazine, neither are the women I see everyday that I do find attractive. What's wrong with you? you make it seem like attraction in marriage is a taboo, and you should feel guilty if you don't find your spouse attractive. Stop equating your needs with mine if you're going to advise me. My wife doesn't care what other women think of me or what their satisfaction is of me, she only cares about how I make her happy. In the same case I could careless if other men find her attractive, I'm the wine sharing the bed with her...and I will I longer be made to feel guilty about my needs...guilt rather than honesty is what got us here in the first place.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

V10Viper said:


> sigh, we are in our late 20s early 30s, and it's more than 20lbs. We've revised our diets, have access to a free gym, and I would end up working out more than her. I understand what you're saying, but the fact that she knows that I don't find her sexy should be motivation to keep my attention. Instead little has changed, and she gets frustrated due to lack of attention from me. There's no real motivation from her to do this. It's like the message is not registering. If I invite her to the park, she'll be on the bench. Bought roller skates so we can skate, now it's covered with dust. She has a health condition that her DOCTOR says is due to her weight gain. THERE ARE ENOUGH REASONS HERE. to her credit she has made numbered attempts, but advantages like even walking the dog is not taking. it's like in her mind, I'm supposed to magically always be attracted to her just because.


Wow, lots of things here sound similar ... think the only difference is that we are maybe 15 years older. I still have the bike we bought together so she can ride with me. It's seen plenty of use ... by me. She has never ridden it. Her thought process was she was going to lose weight first because she was embarrassed by the size of her a$$. That was 165lbs ago ... now, she CAN'T ride a bike. She has multiple health conditions caused by her weight. She has plenty of opportunity and a willing partner to go exercise but she refuses. She think that I should be sexually attracted to her no matter what. Well ... I'm not. I'm going to post my full story probably within the next week when I get some time. I'd like to hear your input.


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