# I'm stuck... 2 year relationship



## Newme21 (Mar 17, 2021)

Hi guys,

I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I need your advice on something. 
A bit of a background: I'm in my early forties, great career, two kids with one still living at home ( 12 , shared custody with my ex 50-50). My partner is 13 years older, divorced, kids not living at home ( on and off for his 18 year old). The first 6-8 months of our relationship, we both agreed to take it day by day, as we were both finalizing divorces, splitting assets and so on. We met a few months into our marriages being over. 
We both rent our own homes, but we live at his place half of the time when I don't have my child with me. 
I finally made the step and introduced him to my kids over Christmas, after almost 2 years of dating. I took my time to make sure my kids are comfortable. Now, they are starting to know each other slowly. 
Now, to my dilema: we were talking about eventually moving in together as his lease will expire in the fall. On my side, I'm not sure my son is ready for this, so I wanted to make sure we as a couple are on the same page with the future and i prepare my son the best I can. I was thinking maybe in 8 months or a year, to make the step.
My partner told me he is not sure yet. That's the word used. He said he is older and doesn't know if living with a 12 year old is something that would be for him. I asked if me having a child is a deal breaker. He said no, but he likes the flow we have now. Well, that flow is maintained because of me commuting between two homes, driving back and forth, with my laptop and a suitcase, so he can be comfortable. 
There is a lot of stuff happening in the background, I can't write everything here. I just feel stuck. My circumstances are not changing, he knew I have a child when we became serious and committed, I even remember asking him a year ago if there are any deal breakers for us moving forward. He said no, just obstacles, which I agree. I told him then that my intentions are not to "date" for 5 years. I want to build something and move on with my life in a healthy relationship. 
I need time to think now. I felt like my son is auditioning or something... he is a sweet kid, polite and smart. I felt hurt. I don't know how to explain. I felt that he is leading me on, getting what he wants from this relationship on his terms. I felt used.
Overall, we have a good relationship: very connected on an emotional level, sex is amazing, communication -great. 
Now, because of this, I'm starting to withdraw, put my walls back up and he noticed that. I know he is trying. I'm not trying to pressure him. I just think this is more about respect than pressure. Who gets involved with a person who is a parent and takes 2 years to express concerns about living with a child? 
We've been through so much together, we are so close and in love... and now I feel he just loves parts of me... 
I told him to take some time to think about our conversation. Meanwhile, I would like to stop all visits and encounters between him and my son. I have to put my kid first. If this relationship is not going anywhere, I don't want to subject my son to this process... 
What are your thoughts, guys?
Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is not a good relationship for you. 

I'm sure your son is a great kid but living with someone else's 12 year old when yours are out of the house is a lot to ask and I don't blame him for being hesitant.

I'm my 40's with 20 and almost 17 year old sons and there's no freaking way I'd get involved with a guy who had younger kids. I might be ok with older teens but I don't want to have worry about his kids needing rides or that we can't go somewhere because his kids will be alone. That time in my life is over.

My bf has no kids and I wouldn't ask him to move in while they're living with me, and my kids have their own cars and obviously have no impact on what we do.

You either need a guy who's closer to your age, maybe with kids comparably aged, or wait until your son is older before you worry about living with a bf. 

On another note 13 years is too much, IMHO. I was married to a guy 19 years older and I now think that anything beyond 10 years is too much. There are issues that you won't see until you're living together.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Newme21 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I need your advice on something.
> A bit of a background: I'm in my early forties, great career, two kids with one still living at home ( 12 , shared custody with my ex 50-50). My partner is 13 years older, divorced, kids not living at home ( on and off for his 18 year old). The first 6-8 months of our relationship, we both agreed to take it day by day, as we were both finalizing divorces, splitting assets and so on. We met a few months into our marriages being over.
> ...


You aren't wrong. I feel that if you express early in the relationship that you are looking for something moving forward not just friends with benefits and after 2 years someone doesn't know where things are going then they aren't going anywhere. He knew you had a child. But that isn't part of his calculations. 

It sounds like if you are looking for sex then he's yours guys but if you are looking for commitment he isn't. 

And why do you have to go there when you don't have your son? Why can't he slep to your house?

If you are happy with the arrangement then leave it as is. But if you are truly looking for long term then you may as well leave now. It will be hard because you are on friendly terms. But realistically even after your son turns 18 he is still your son. Many end up still in the house or coming back after launching. And they are always your children. Christmas and holidays what is this guy expecting? 

He may have even honestly thought eventually he'd be ready to move forward. But again 2 years is long enough. And it isn't like you are asking to get married, while moving in is a BIG step it is only a step. You are his rebound from his marriage. His wife probably didn't meet his sexual expectations and he is thrilled you do. Or some stuff like that but that doesn't mean he's in for the whole package.

I also ditto LIfestooShort in that the age difference is a big obstacle. 

It will be sad but it sounds like exiting this relationship is best.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Newme21 said:


> ... but he likes the flow we have now. Well, that flow is maintained because of me commuting between two homes, driving back and forth, with my laptop and a suitcase, so he can be comfortable.





Newme21 said:


> I felt that he is leading me on, getting what he wants from this relationship on his terms. I felt used.





Newme21 said:


> We've been through so much together, we are so close and in love... and now I feel he just loves parts of me.


^^THIS^^ stood out to me. Sorry, but I don't agree with you that communication is "great." You even question what sort of person takes two years to bring up concerns about living with your child.

Nope. This one isn't a keeper. And, again, you two aren't simpatico on an "emotional level." Sex is great. Well, great sex is just that: sex. It's not enough to keep a relationship going long-term. I'd back away from this relationship big-time. It sounds like he wants things on his terms. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that your terms and his terms don't match at this time in your lives.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not interested in being a step-parent to your son. It’s better to find that out now instead of down the road.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This man failed to launch.

Break up with him, unofficially.

Let him force the official status.

If he wants you he will step up.

Many here do not think that will happen.

There is no half in, with only his penis in.

He needs to be your other half, all of what that entails.

Both of you have made compromises, you accepting him being older, he needs accepting your younger son.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Newme21 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I've been in a relationship for 2 years and I need your advice on something.
> A bit of a background: I'm in my early forties, great career, two kids with one still living at home ( 12 , shared custody with my ex 50-50). My partner is 13 years older, divorced, kids not living at home ( on and off for his 18 year old). The first 6-8 months of our relationship, we both agreed to take it day by day, as we were both finalizing divorces, splitting assets and so on. We met a few months into our marriages being over.
> ...


I think you know what you want, and now he is articulating what he wants, or in this case, doesn't want. I don't think it was very nice for him to spring that on you now, sounds like you were blindsided by his resistance to live with your younger son. But...

It seems to be their are conflicting wants, that's the bottom line. I personally wouldn't want to ever get re-married if I were ever in that position, but everyone is different. Plus, it would be a mess financially if either of you pass away, with property, money, etc. It's already hard enough to make those things work if it's full siblings, and the parents are still married, but when it comes to dividing those assets with a stranger, and it comes to allocating it to all the children, that could cause major complications and be a disaster frankly. I've been through this (well, my mother is dealing with it now) and it's a mess. Is that what you want? I personally wouldn't want to incur any difficulties on my children or your partners children with that potential disaster. 

If you want him, keep things as they are. If that's not what you want, then I think it's time to move on, amicably of course.


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## Newme21 (Mar 17, 2021)

I hear you... all of you.
You know when you have that feeling that you will never meet someone else to check all your boxes? That's how I feel with him. I had an abusive father, my marriage was so and so, verbally and emotionally abusive ( my ex and his family). It took me 5 years to be able to get out ... my ex still wants me back. He loves me in his own way. A way that doesn't work for me.
I then met him, my partner. .. and we helped each other through the worst times of our lives. We fell in love, not just sex. Although sex is important, to me anyway, as I had to reach this age and experience for the first time a great sexual connection with someone. No inhibitions, no taboos, just pure connection.
We talk for hours and hours. About everything. The confidence I built while being with him skyrocketed. I advanced my career in the last 2 years more than in the last 20.
He supported me through 2 surgeries, I supported him through some rough patches with his kids... we are in sync. He reads my cues, we look at each other and we know if something is wrong. We do disagree on some things, but we never cross the line and yell or disrespect the other. We are passionate, but very aware of the other one's feelings. There is a lot of trauma to resolve on both sides, anger with our former spouses, but we deal with this together. He is extremely intelligent and he opened up my world. Not sure if this makes sense...
But yes, after reading your replies, obviously our communication is not that great. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He is just scared. I know he doesn't wanna lose me and I don't either. I just felt blindsided. He probably postponed talking to me about this because he knew I will be hurt.
I feel free as a woman, I don't feel controlled ( and believe me, I know what control is)... but as you guys said, I feel he is controlling the relationship a bit. His terms...Knowingly or unknowingly.
There is a difference between controlling your partner or controlling the relationship...
I think we need to talk more about this. See where we go from here...
I just don't want to build up resentment... I am upset that he didn't tell me about all this before...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Drop him like a hot potato!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I know a doctor who had a much younger gf....20 years apart. His kids were grown and hers were younger teens.

He made clear that while he liked her kids well enough he had no interest in living with them and parenting. They had their father in their lives so they didn't need a father.

They maintained two households until the kids grew up and moved out, then they got married and she moved in with him. It's probably been at least 15 years and I think they're still married.

The kids were fine with it because they had their own space and didn't have to deal with him as a step parent. Now that they're all adults they get along fine.

Maybe you could work our something like that? Is it vital to you that he move in and parent your son? That brings its own challenges surrounding how much authority he's going to have while living there.

Not everyone wants to parent and that's ok, and maybe your son would be happier. My kids like my bf well enough but I think they're glad he has his own place. I chose him...they didn't.

Would such an arrangement work for you?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This guy is done with that stage of his life. He’s not looking to live with another man’s kid at this stage in his life. You’ve been a soft landing spot to help him transition to single life without having to mourn the death of his marriage. I’m sure he cares about you but it may not be to the level you hoped it to be.

You too used him to avoid having to be mourn the death of your marriage and learning to be an independent adult after a long marriage. By attaching yourself to him before your marriage was even over, you may have built this relationship to be more than what it was.

As long as you were willing to come to his place to sex him up, all is good. He could talk about a future together because he never really took in what that really entailed but now you brought in real life and he’s realizing that he likes the part time live in girlfriend. He gets hot sex week with you followed by a week to do his thing. Pretty nice set up but it’s obvious you want more.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Newme21 said:


> I hear you... all of you.
> You know when you have that feeling that you will never meet someone else to check all your boxes? That's how I feel with him. I had an abusive father, my marriage was so and so, verbally and emotionally abusive ( my ex and his family). It took me 5 years to be able to get out ... my ex still wants me back. He loves me in his own way. A way that doesn't work for me.
> I then met him, my partner. .. and we helped each other through the worst times of our lives. We fell in love, not just sex. Although sex is important, to me anyway, as I had to reach this age and experience for the first time a great sexual connection with someone. No inhibitions, no taboos, just pure connection.
> We talk for hours and hours. About everything. The confidence I built while being with him skyrocketed. I advanced my career in the last 2 years more than in the last 20.
> ...


Just remember him not wanting to lose you isn't the same as wanting to be a full partner and part time parent.

It is sad that there are so many men in the world that want to control women and also don't have any real clue on what a great sexual experience is for a woman. But there are plenty that do. There are plenty of understanding compassionate, loving, supportive men. One of them would be more accepting of your son and still check your boxes. This is the only man you've dated since your divorce. You may want to consider a compromise. Let him know that since he isn't sure about going forward you'd like to date. 

It is so hard to give up on a relationship that check most of the boxes. See he doesn't check the boxes with your son or living together or moving forward past what you have. But do you really want to be in the same place 5 years from now. With someone you can't actually count on?


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## Newme21 (Mar 17, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I know a doctor who had a much younger gf....20 years apart. His kids were grown and hers were younger teens.
> 
> He made clear that while he liked her kids well enough he had no interest in living with them and parenting. They had their father in their lives so they didn't need a father.
> 
> ...


No need for him to parent my son. My kid's dad is very involved. Loving father. 
Living in two households is not for everyone. I'm tired of this. Mentally, not physically. I love his house. We want to be together, spend as much time together as we can. We cook, we shop, we clean , all together. We both want that closeness. When I'm at his place, he says: our bedroom, our food, our house...everything is "ours".
I just can't see myself doing this for 6 more years. I just can't.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Newme21 said:


> ...
> My partner told me he is not sure yet. That's the word used. He said he is older and doesn't know if living with a 12 year old is something that would be for him. I asked if me having a child is a deal breaker. He said no, but he likes the flow we have now. Well, that flow is maintained because of me commuting between two homes, driving back and forth, with my laptop and a suitcase, so he can be comfortable.
> There is a lot of stuff happening in the background, I can't write everything here. I just feel stuck.
> ...
> ...


I think, this is concerning, but after reading your second post about how you have helped eachother through some tough times in each of your lives, I think this is a relationship that should not be casually discarded.

I think you should give him a chance to explain himself when he says he's "not sure yet" about moving in together.

And I think you should maybe use your expectations about where you want the relationship to go to provide some context on why you want an answer from him.

I guess I'd frame the conversation like this:

"_I need to know what you mean and when you'll be sure of that, because I want us to be XYZ and I don't see that happening if we're living apart because of my son, when you knew this was an issue going into the relationship._"

I think, as a man, if I heard this I'd be less likely to get defensive and more likely
to understand why you were asking.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

One of you is going to have to compromise in a very big way for your relationship to continue.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Newme21 said:


> We both rent our own homes, but we live at his place half of the time when I don't have my child with me. ... My partner told me he is not sure yet. That's the word used. He said he is older and doesn't know if living with a 12 year old is something that would be for him. I asked if me having a child is a deal breaker. He said no, but he likes the flow we have now. Well, that flow is maintained because of me commuting between two homes, driving back and forth, with my laptop and a suitcase, so he can be comfortable.


^^Your^^ words, not mine. He's comfortable with the status quo. He likes the great sex. He likes the great company. Your child? Uh, not so much. And you can couch this situation in all the he's-the-greatest-thing-in-my-life wording. At this time, it doesn't' sound like he wants your child to be a fixture in his home or his life. Sad, but true ....


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sounds like you both are guilty of branch swinging, from one relationship right into another. Now you both are noticing things about each other you don't care for. You were probably great for each other when you were going through your divorces but that's over with now.

I'm not going to bash him because honestly as someone with grown kids I would not get into a serious relationship with someone who had kids at home. I'd be upfront about it though, sounds like he's tap dancing around the truth.

Time to start dating again, best of luck.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

It's possible that this wasn't something he was withholding from you. He may have freaked out over feeling put in the parent role again, now that the time to move in is drawing near. IDK. 

Still, the fact that you say you feel "stuck" and used, etc. isn't good at all. Time to re-evaluate.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand wanting to live together. My bf and I spend 5 night a week together between our two places and we miss each other.

But speaking from experience....you don't want to move your son in with a guy who's lukewarm at best about it.

I did that with my ex hb and they never bonded. One of my biggest regrets is that after the kids father I didn't find someone who bonded with them. He was in their lives for 13 years and they don't even bring him up...it's like he never existed. Because he didn't really want kids around they had to tiptoe around him. 

I left him a couple of years ago and we're happy now, but I really regret that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There are plenty of people you can love or enjoy time with without moving in with them. I don't understand why you seem to be the only one running back and forth. Why isn't he doing half the running? And do you really feel like you want to be with him 24/7 seven days a week?

I don't see why you don't just leave things as they are except that he should do half the running -- or since his lease is up anyway, why can't he just rent a place nearer to you? 

There aren't too many people who want to live with somebody else's kids. It would definitely change the dynamic. you'd likely run into a power struggle at some point. Just tell him he needs to move a little closer to you or wherever he moves he needs to do half the running for your get-togethers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Newme21 said:


> No need for him to parent my son. My kid's dad is very involved. Loving father.
> Living in two households is not for everyone. I'm tired of this. Mentally, not physically. I love his house. We want to be together, spend as much time together as we can. We cook, we shop, we clean , all together. We both want that closeness. When I'm at his place, he says: our bedroom,  our food, our house...everything is "ours".
> I just can't see myself doing this for 6 more years. I just can't.


Plus it's unlikely these days that your son will leave home at 18. Personally I wouldn't be interested in a guy who wasn't prepared to love me enough to accept my child. When we married my children were late teens and early 20's. Two still lived at home and they did for some time. One then had to come back for a while after loosing his job.These things happen. I would not be with him if he hadn't accepted them and he did, fully, as his own. 

Your son is still young, he must come first. If he loved you enough he would understand that what he is wanting isn't right and that he has basically led you on for 2 years.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You want to play house, he doesn't....I don't blame him and neither do I fault him for back burnering the issue....Like a lot of guys at his age, he's happy to get laid, have some fun and companionship, and no longer wants to be part of raising someone else's kid that isn't his...He did it already and is probably just tired of it....He might have thought it would just go away....who knows?

There is no "good guy or bad guy" here....You both seem to have gotten something out of it, so I don't see how it's lopsided...You want to find a guy that's willing to do what you want at this stage, then find him...I don't think this guy is willing to take that on,..

Play him or trade him....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Newme21 said:


> When I'm at his place, he says: our bedroom, our food, our house...everything is "ours".


 Except these things aren't "ours", are they? They are his. His house, his bedroom, and so on. You have no legal claim to any of it, no tenants rights, nothing. All that stuff is his. He can decide this doesn't work and he can revoke access to "our" things at any time. He can say anything he likes to make it all warm and fuzzy, but words are wind and a man's true intentions are gauged by actions. And his actions don't say "ours". He likes you having yours, him having his, and you coming to spend time with him as has been the thing for 2 years now. He probably never said he wasn't willing to live with your child because he figured things were going well and would continue on in the same manner indefinitely.

Also, he's not a boy or even young man anymore. At his age most adults know by the 2nd year of a relationship whether or not they want to marry or make a marriage-like commitment.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Except these things aren't "ours", are they? They are his. His house, his bedroom, and so on. You have no legal claim to any of it, no tenants rights, nothing. All that stuff is his. He can decide this doesn't work and he can revoke access to "our" things at any time. He can say anything he likes to make it all warm and fuzzy, but words are wind and a man's true intentions are gauged by actions. And his actions don't say "ours". He likes you having yours, him having his, and you coming to spend time with him as has been the thing for 2 years now. He probably never said he wasn't willing to live with your child because he figured things were going well and would continue on in the same manner indefinitely.
> 
> Also, he's not a boy or even young man anymore. At his age most adults know by the 2nd year of a relationship whether or not they want to marry or make a marriage-like commitment.


🎤💧 Nice!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Reading between the lines, it sounds like this relationship was born of adultery, which led to a double home wrecking. If so, most of those types of relationships don’t last forever. They tend to be exit affair that help empower those that are too week to just file for D.

To keep it going longer, it may require what another poster said is continue living separately but just have a fair distribution of who does all the traveling. It’s not fair that you’re always coming to him. He needs to put in some drive time too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Newme21 said:


> Overall, we have a good relationship: very connected on an emotional level, sex is amazing, *communication - great.*


Do you though? Have great communication? 

While I agree that there's nothing wrong with him not wanting to live with a young child, I think it's lousy that he's gone along for 2 years and is only telling you this now. It's not like he didn't know you had a son. 

I think you're wise to stop all interaction between him and your son while you resolve this.


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## Newme21 (Mar 17, 2021)

Thanks everyone... this thread gave me the necessary insight to start a conversation with him today, to clear out things a bit.

I just want to clarify a few things... some of you assumed that he is with me partly for the great sex. That he is enjoying that and keeps me around to satisfy a need. I find that, even if it's true in a lot of cases, is not accurate for us. It is a bit gender biased. We both enjoy our sex life ( I might even say I have the higher sex drive ). Both our needs are met and we do feel very connected in that regard. As I said, we just click.
Also, someone mentioned that all this started as an affair, adultery. Again, this is not the case. It took me 5 years to get out of a very toxic relationship. The mental abuse drove me to almost lose my mind. Physical abuse was minimal, but I felt threatened by my ex and his family. I've been in therapy now for almost 4 years to deal with my trauma. It's not an easy road to recovery. The level of respect I have now from my partner is something I have never experienced before. I feel seen, loved, cared for, supported in my career. Yes, as some of you pointed, I need to admit communication is not as great as I thought it was, but we are trying. On his side, he filed for divorce after his ex cheated on him, with numerous partners. We met 8 months after my separation and 5 after his. I know that's not a lot but life is unpredictable. We were not looking for love, it just happened. 

Now... today's talk. He was trying to process in the last few days my statement: I did say to him I felt used and that I don't want to waste another two years just for him to realize that I do have a child and that child is part of me, as a package. I had to clarify that what I meant is that if he knows now that me having a child is a deal breaker, then him not saying that is not ok. He assured me this is not a deal-breaker at all. But he did express concerns about moving in mostly because of how comfortable my son will be with him and how my partner's life will change. He gave me some examples of behaviors he might have to change and so on. He just needs time to process and think. I think deep down he is concerned of my ex's behavior who has 50% custody, as it has been erratic and troublesome in regards to me having a new partner.
I told him we can process this together and separately too. And that it's a big decision for me and my kids too, not only for him. And I'm not there yet either, I'm not clear. But the goal is to work together towards that. Even with perfect communication from now on, I don't see us moving in together very soon, maybe a year from now...

Yes , we are committed to each other but very much aware that circumstances might change and we might part ways. My kids and their comfort is something I won't budge on. 

Overall, I'm happy that we both opened up. Thank you guys for expressing your thoughts. I really appreciate it.
Ultimately, all of us here, we know better what's in our heart , we just need different perspectives to crystallize our thoughts. 
That's why this site is great. And because we cannot write everything that's behind our situation, it would take a novel, we have to just read and assimilate the feedback given here.
Thank you all again...
Ps: we are working on a schedule for both of us to commute starting next week.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That’s great that your dealing with these issues now and not just kicking the ball down the field. I still think that separate households for a while would serve both of you. 

Also great that he will do some of the driving too. Even if he has a nicer place or his town is nicer, he should still want to share the driving burden. Part of caring for his girl, is making sure she’s not carrying an unfair burden to keep the relationship going.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Newme21 said:


> I just want to clarify a few things... some of you assumed that he is with me partly for the great sex. That he is enjoying that and keeps me around to satisfy a need. I find that, even if it's true in a lot of cases, is not accurate for us. It is a bit gender biased. We both enjoy our sex life ( I might even say I have the higher sex drive ). Both our needs are met and we do feel very connected in that regard. As I said, we just click.


I don't think it was gender biased at all! People in his situation commonly want nothing more than a good companion that comes with good sex. That's the end game for them. Long term companion and lover. They are content with that and that alone. They like sharing their lives and space for a time, but prefer to not step back into the role of live in partner with a shared life and a child in the home. In other words, they enjoy the sex and the company without wanting to "make it real" and many of us suspect that is where he is at this time.



Newme21 said:


> The level of respect I have now from my partner is something I have never experienced before. I feel seen, loved, cared for, supported in my career. Yes, as some of you pointed, I need to admit communication is not as great as I thought it was, but we are trying.


Considering your history I say be very careful. He sounds like a good guy, but to you he probably seems almost miraculous. Just because a man treats you decently doesn't mean more than he is a decent human who treats his partners well...as is normal and standard. To put it bluntly, don't read more into his decency than is there.



Newme21 said:


> I had to clarify that what I meant is that if he knows now that me having a child is a deal breaker, then him not saying that is not ok. He assured me this is not a deal-breaker at all.


Because it isn't a dealbreaker for you to have a child. He doesn't seem to want to end the relationship over the existence of your tween. He also doesn't seem to want to progress the relationship unless/until the tween is older or out of the nest.

Honestly, I get it. I'm in my mid 40's. My kids are grown and my nest is empty. I LOVE this stage of my life. My husband is the most amazing man and I love and desire him ridiculously. I've told him, and meant it, that if I met him today I'd be just as smitten and would want to marry him ASAP.

However, I know myself well enough to know the reality is I wouldn't want that if he had a child. If I met the man who has been the love of my life today and he had a kid I think I'd prefer to live separately. I'd get all the benefits of having a relationship with him, but would not have to deal with the noise, disruption, and general hassles of having a kid around again nor would I have to deal with him dealing with the hassles of having a kid around again.

Back when I was actively parenting I wouldn't have minded adding another dinner plate to the table, another stop to the school, some more laundry, etc. Now that I have finished actively parenting I see things much differently.

For you, being an active parent of a tween, it's just...life. For him, it's a major change and disruption to routine and household.



Newme21 said:


> But he did express concerns about moving in mostly because of how comfortable my son will be with him and how my partner's life will change. He gave me some examples of behaviors he might have to change and so on. He just needs time to process and think. I think deep down he is concerned of my ex's behavior who has 50% custody, as it has been erratic and troublesome in regards to me having a new partner.


Is your ex going to suddenly become someone else is a year? Would having a kid around 50% of the time suddenly not disrupt his household routine and cause him to need to change some behaviors? Would his lifestyle suddenly not have to change next year taking on a live-in kid to be with the mother?

I understand he is processing and thinking, but the reality is that your kid living with him half the time does mean his behaviors will need to change, his life and routine will be disrupted, and your ex will still be 50% parent and able to interfere and/or cause drama. Those things aren't going to change in a year. Or two. Or three.

He's been enjoying you outside of your role as mother because you kept him fairly separated from that part of your life. You presented him with a compartmentalized package deal where you- the relationship partner has been separated from you- the mother. Now you want him to adapt to you in your other role, the mother role, along with all that comes with it. What he's trying to sort out is whether or not living with you and the changes that would come with having a kid around the house is worth it.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Newme21 said:


> ... I had to clarify that what I meant is that if he knows now that me having a child is a deal breaker, then him not saying that is not ok. He assured me this is not a deal-breaker at all. But he did express concerns about moving in mostly because of how comfortable my son will be with him and how my partner's life will change. He gave me some examples of behaviors he might have to change and so on. He just needs time to process and think. I think deep down he is concerned of my ex's behavior who has 50% custody, as it has been erratic and troublesome in regards to me having a new partner.
> ...


This provides a much different context to his earlier comment about not being sure if he was ready to live with a child again!

Sounds like his concerns are legitimate, and there have been (or might be?) some physical or personal "boundary issues" with your ex-H showing up or not showing up when he's supposed to? 

I can completely understand not wanting to bring that drama into one's life, and I think a partner in a new relationship needs to take the lead in setting those boundaries. 

If I was getting into a relationship with a woman with children from a prior relationship, the way her ex behaves or doesn't behave would be a big thing for me. I wouldn't want some unhinged ex-husband showing up at my work, threatening me at my house, screwing with our time together by not picking your son up when he says he will, etc. When the two of you live together, he loses that physical barrier with your ex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm 57 and I would love a partner in her early 40s with a young child to care for... I miss all that!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm thinking the kid might not be the real reason he's hesitant. I wouldn't gloss over the fact it's not just that you have a child but, you also have an abusive ex and you even said you felt threatened by him and his family. Obviously you can't change that, but anyone who deals with you is going to have to deal with them. I'm sure you are a lovely caring person, but if my best friend was dating a woman who had a abusive ex with a threatening family I'd tell him to run unless he wants to end up on the nightly news.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I've been with my girlfriend 9 years. When we met her son was 8 years old. I've got two older daughters who are off on their own, we've had relationship struggles and as of now I'm only in periodic contact with one of them. I did not want to get involved with a woman with a young child, been there, done that and I'm over it. Our early conversations revolved around that. "He's with his dad half of the time", etc.. She was ok with my reluctance, I never pretended I felt any other way. 

6.5 years ago she had enough of the living apart,she wanted a full time relationship, she wanted to build a family. I got along well with her son, we went on lots of vacations together, he sometimes referred to me as his other dad and even said he felt closer to me than his real dad. There was issues between him and his dad, but no need to go there.

I was faced with a tough choice- give up my man-cave condo and independence and move in with her, or lose her, because she was pretty much done with the whole part time thing. To this day she says "I didnt give you an ultimatum, I just said I was going to be done because this isn't what I wanted". Either way I moved in, and went through a tough time of it, experiencing anxiety and depression before I eventually settled in and accepted the new full time life with her and her son in her house.

3 years ago he turned into a prick. Worse than your typical teenager. Treating his mother like crap, not doing any chores, screwing up in school, leaving his crap all over the place, horrible attitude.. she had him on 4 different meds. "Nothing worked they all made him act nasty". Yeah towards HER, no one else. But I digress.

He and I didn't get along well at all, there was constant tension in the house as a result. 5 weeks ago we had an argument and he swung at me and connected with my jaw hard enough to split my cheek and leave me with a sore jaw for a week. I hit back but it wasn't much of an impact. Anyway I moved out, we broke up, we're in the process of trying to reconcile but I won't move back there anytime soon. A lot of damage has been done on both sides.

Just another perspective on life with someone else's kids.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There’s a big push to shame men into dating single moms but it is not easy. Some can do it well but most just co-exist at best. I know to close friends who are in situations similar to @Trident . 

In both cases it started off ok when their wife’s kids were small but in their mid teens a complete change in the kids. It sucks to pour so much into another man’s kids to have them turn on you later.

One of the guys doesn’t even have kids of his own. A lot of single moms get bent out of shape when these things are discussed but men have grievances too. I’ve lost count of the number of threads from guys who adopted their wife’s kids to only have her betray the guy a few years down the road. If men voice these types concerns you’re labeled a woman hater or worse.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

jsmart said:


> There’s a big push to shame men into dating single moms but it is not easy. Some can do it well but most just co-exist at best. I know to close friends who are in situations similar to @Trident .
> 
> In both cases it started off ok when their wife’s kids were small but in their mid teens a complete change in the kids. It sucks to pour so much into another man’s kids to have them turn on you later.
> 
> One of the guys doesn’t even have kids of his own. A lot of single moms get bent out of shape when these things are discussed but men have grievances too. I’ve lost count of the number of threads from guys who adopted their wife’s kids to only have her betray the guy a few years down the road. If men voice these types concerns you’re labeled a woman hater or worse.


Gotta judge on a case-by-case basis, because there are so many people involved in these situations, and manipulative people are good at lying and embellishing (and _very_ _experienced_ by this stage in their lives).

when I was single after my divorce, I admit I passed on a woman who had kids because I didn't want to be in that situation. I felt a bit hypocritical about it, but I didn't like the way she framed it "_looking for a man to join our family_" or the way she seemed impatient when I explained I couldn't meet her at the time she wanted to meet because I had my daughter that night.

I tried to be as up-front as possible with my now-GF about my responsibilities and my situation, but she definitely would say she still didn't realize how complicated it was getting into a r/s with someone who already had a kid, and there's been quite an adjustment for her, despite my best efforts to smooth things over. 

All that being said... I do think there's more of a risk for a guy getting involved with a woman who has kids already, simply because of the fact that men are more likely to be physically violent than women, and so having an ex-husband in the picture is more of a threat than an ex-wife.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TomNebraska said:


> Gotta judge on a case-by-case basis, because there are so many people involved in these situations, and manipulative people are good at lying and embellishing (and _very_ _experienced_ by this stage in their lives).
> 
> when I was single after my divorce, I admit I passed on a woman who had kids because I didn't want to be in that situation. I felt a bit hypocritical about it, but I didn't like the way she framed it "_looking for a man to join our family_" or the way she seemed impatient when I explained I couldn't meet her at the time she wanted to meet because I had my daughter that night.
> 
> ...


Don't forget that kids are most likely to be abused by the mother's bf. I've been a single mother and you have to be very careful about who you bring around your kids.

I see nothing wrong with avoiding single parents if that's what you want. Nobody can "shame" one into anything. What you don't have the right to do is get involved with one but then string them along and ******** because you want the relationship on your terms. If she's looking for a guy to share parenting and you don't want that be upfront and don't get involved....don't ******** about "maybe one day" because you want things on your terms.

I'd never get involved with a guy with kids young enough to need rides and supervision. Older kids are fine. If you decided to knock out kids in your 40's and are now in your 50's with young teens keep on going.

My bf has no kids....mine are 20 and 17, both drive, and they have zero impact on anything we want to do unless there's an event which bf is cool with. My younger son is graduating hs this spring and we'll both be there. But anything else we want to to we can do. I don't want a guy who's kids restrict his availability on a regular basis, but I found a guy where that wasn't an issue.


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