# Strange conversation



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

So, my WS and I used to talk for 30 minutes every day when we were both driving to work. We used to just chat about anythign and everything. This stopped a while before her affair, and has been difficult since the affair as we just sit in silence or end up talking about the affair, which inevitably ends up in someone being in tears.

So anyway, this morning she calls me and is pretty chatty. SHE wants to talk about her feelings. This took me aback as up until now I have had to drag stuff out of her kicking and screaming. It's been a month since the initial Dday, although only a week since we finally had the big melt down and she promised NC and agreed to give me complete transparency so I could confirm. So she asked me "How do you feel about the marriage now as compared to a month ago?"

I was pretty honest about my answer. I said "A month ago I didn't know which way wasup or down, and had no idea if either you or I would pack our bags and leave at any given moments notice. Now things are more stable, and the emotions seem to be more controlled, but now I KNOW and ACCEPT that the marriage is trashed, and that I am waiting for you to step up and help me fix it. Sometimes I look at you and see my wife. Sometimes I see this blur where my wife used to be, and instead see this person with nothing in them except deceit and selfish behaviour. I love you dearly, and am holding out hope, but I'm waiting for you to get through whatever fog you are in and recognise that if you do not do something, you are going to p1ss away whats left of your marriage".

she went silent for a few minutes, and then replied.

"Look, I love you very much ok, and I want this marriage to work. I want it to work because I remember the easy connection we had, where we would just talk about anything and everything, I remember how you made me feel safe and protected and cherished, and I know being with you is right. But at the moment I feel completely disconnected and scared. I know it's all my fault, and I know I have to do my part of reocnnect, and I can feel you trying to help me, but it's like something is stopping me from connecting with you, and something is stopping me from allowing you to connect with me. Sometimes, like this morning, I feel close to you, and see the connection, and at other times I feel completely alone and afraid. I am terrified that I have killed that connection, and I am scared because I WANT to be that close to you, to hold you and talk to you. I feel like a stranger in my own home, looking in on the marriage I want to be a part of. I know our counselling (which starts next week) is supposed to help with this but I just don't know if what I am feeling is normal?"

I suggested that she give serious consideration to the next book she reads being something along the lines of "How to reconnect with my husband" or similar, rather than her normal bedtime reading.


Thoughts, anyone?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

HIP, since the D Day and "end of affair" is only a month out, she is going through withdrawl from the addiction of the affair. It will take her time to get past that and get to the point where she has to make a consious decidion on where she wants to be in the future.

as with Drug Addiction, the initial phase of detox can be stressful, painful, emotional and they will not be thinking 100% completely.

Q~


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> But at the moment I feel completely disconnected and scared. I know it's all my fault, and I know I have to do my part of reocnnect, and I can feel you trying to help me, but it's like something is stopping me from connecting with you, and something is stopping me from allowing you to connect with me.


She's afraid that things will go back to the way things were right before the affair, whatever mindset she had that lead her to cross that boundaries (issues with herself, with you, with the marriage). 

Things need to radically change in her world to let her know that the marriage is going to be different this time around. It took months before my W would believe I changed, she kept waiting for me to fall back into old habits.

It's going to take time for those walls she has built up to come down. She had to put those walls up to have the A which is built from resentment and any negativity she has of the M whether its justified or not. She has convinced herself things can't change and she'll never be happy again so its going to be tough to show her that's not really true.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you two read the book "His Needs Her needs". This is supposed to give you the tools to reconnect. Most recommended book I have heard of along with "Love Busters" and "Five Love Languages".

Looks like this is a good start but it takes time and patience. Best of luck. Stay strong.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She had sex with your friend while in Malta. You caught them kissing back home in the field later.

She knows you know she had sex with your (ex?) friend.

She knows she has devalued herself and the marriage.

What to do from here on? What can you live with? 

I assume you dont have any kids -- makes any decisions easier.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Hang in there. You will know when and if it is time to bail, If she does not stop the "connection" mumbo jumbo and start acting like a decent, loving wife , you will know she is not suitable marriage material.
many, many of these cheating spouses play the "connection" card. Yet, they canm seldom define it and have engaged in behavior that makes "connection" almost impossible.If she wanted "connection" , perhaps she shold not have had sex with others.
BTW, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that some of your needs were not being met in the marriage. So, rather than suggesting you need to change to keep her happy, perhaps she should take a look at making major changes. After all , she has demonstrated dishonesty, lack of empathy, lack of committment, and poor problem solving and communication skills.
Maybe, just maybe, a person demonstrating those qualities was the driving force behind the pre affair marital problems.
Interestingly, though, you did not cheat, did you?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> "Look, I love you very much ok, and I want this marriage to work. I want it to work because I remember the easy connection we had, where we would just talk about anything and everything, I remember how you made me feel safe and protected and cherished, and I know being with you is right.


And yet she still felt the need to go outside the marriage and bang other guys? The proof of what she did sure goes against her words, eh? Actions always speak louder than words.



HusbandInPain said:


> But at the moment I feel completely disconnected and scared. I know it's all my fault, and I know I have to do my part of reocnnect, and I can feel you trying to help me, but it's like something is stopping me from connecting with you, and something is stopping me from allowing you to connect with me. Sometimes, like this morning, I feel close to you, and see the connection, and at other times I feel completely alone and afraid. I am terrified that I have killed that connection, and I am scared because I WANT to be that close to you, to hold you and talk to you. I feel like a stranger in my own home, looking in on the marriage I want to be a part of. I know our counselling (which starts next week) is supposed to help with this but I just don't know if what I am feeling is normal?"


And so you see that it's all still about her and her feelings. I see some guilt here, but definitely not remorse. In fact, I don't see any remorse at all. You're still not doing the 180, why is that? She needs to feel the loss of the marriage, the fact that you're still engaging her is not going to get her to feel that loss and reconnect with you. As long as you're still engaging her, she's going to be on the fence. You need to push her off that fence. Stop talking to her about HER feelings and the marriage. Something is stopping her? You know what it is, it's the fog of the affair. A truly remorseful wayward is going to be begging you to reconnect, willing to do anything to repair and save the marriage. She's not there yet, not by a long shot. 

And how have you verified that she has not broken NC?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let me translate:

"So it's been a month, are you finally over it yet so I can know you're back and I can trust you, and we can move on?" Yes, she saying she can't "trust" you, and etc. She is essentially blaming you for her cheating.

There is NO REMORSE at all in any of this.

What this means is she is trying to get you to start doing the work to emotionally drag her back into the marriage she ended by cheating. She doesn't want to put in any effort, but hopes if she shows a little openness to you, that you will take pity, tell her she doesn't have to do any heavy lifting, and that you'll just forget the whole thing and run sweep.

Don't fall for it.

Also, it's only been a very short while since NC, she is very likely still thinking about him, and how to contact him. He and she may already be in contact that you can't trace such as a prepaid phone or work email.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Let me translate:
> 
> "So it's been a month, are you finally over it yet so I can know you're back and I can trust you, and we can move on?" Yes, she saying she can't "trust" you, and etc. She is essentially blaming you for her cheating.
> 
> ...


:iagree: If she wants to rebuild the marriage and is remorseful then she should be all in.

If she can't go all in, you go all out and D her. Let her find herself and then she can come back and decide if she still wants to be with you. But alot of times what happens is that the BS finds out they don't need the WS anymore.

You can wait it out and feel like crap for the next couple of months or years until she gets her head out of her ass or you can start moving on with your own life and hopes that she wants to go along with you.

Make a deadline of when she needs to get her head of her ass and stick to it. Once that date comes and she's not there yet then tough luck to her.


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