# I kinda hate my husband



## Tdelphine (Aug 19, 2020)

I’m at my wits end . My husband and I have three kids together , been together for 12 years . He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. He yells about anything and constantly blames me for everything and condescends me multiple times a day. I love him but I think constantly about what it would be like to be with someone who is loving and kind . He sometimes is , to the point that I think maybe he is bipolar . He snaps and yells and scares us all . Sometimes to the point we have to hide in bedrooms to escape him. He’s never physically harmed us. I’m so exhausted. I’m So tired of walking on eggshells , I long to feel what it’s like to be in love again. I do love my life aside from my marriage and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped , scared , alone and lifeless in this marriage . I don’t know , I’m just venting to strangers cause it’s too much to vent to my friends anymore . Not even sure what I’m looking for besides support . He says he’s aggressive because he is Italian but really , he’s just an jerk . I don’t want my children to be yelled at every day . I’m so saddened that this is how it is . Any advice welcome 🙏🏼


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

I get it. I've been there. Walking on eggshells, yup. As soon as I had my chance I got out. Best thing I've ever done for myself and the kids. I don't like constant yelling. Besides, we were a burden to him so I guess ending it was doing him a favor, too. I'll say a prayer that you find your answer. Sending love your way. I know it's hard.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband sure isn't acting in a very loving way, so I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Most (if not all) people would feel the same way. 

Based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound like bipolar to me. Many people don't know bipolar actually looks like. It sounds like he desperately needs anger management. Being Italian is not an excuse for acting like that. That's a load of crap. 

Either way, this isn't a good situation for you or your kids to be in. This kind of parenting can be really damaging for kids. It also teaches them how to act... Right now they are watching you and your husband and are little sponges absorbing everything. To them, this is a normal marriage and it's what they will most likely repeat in their own relationships. Either acting like your husband or tolerating the same behavior. 

If your husband refuses to change, then you really only have two options... Stay and accept that this is how things will always be, or divorce. Neither path is easy, but only one has a happy, fulfilling life at the end of the path.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tdelphine said:


> I’m at my wits end . My husband and I have three kids together , been together for 12 years . He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. He yells about anything and constantly blames me for everything and condescends me multiple times a day. I love him but I think constantly about what it would be like to be with someone who is loving and kind . He sometimes is , to the point that I think maybe he is bipolar . He snaps and yells and scares us all . Sometimes to the point we have to hide in bedrooms to escape him. He’s never physically harmed us. I’m so exhausted. I’m So tired of walking on eggshells , I long to feel what it’s like to be in love again. I do love my life aside from my marriage and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped , scared , alone and lifeless in this marriage . I don’t know , I’m just venting to strangers cause it’s too much to vent to my friends anymore . Not even sure what I’m looking for besides support . He says he’s aggressive because he is Italian but really , he’s just an jerk . I don’t want my children to be yelled at every day . I’m so saddened that this is how it is . Any advice welcome 🙏🏼


I used to be married to someone like this. It was awful. Being Italian is not an excuse. Acting like that is not a characteristic of being Italian.

It sounds like you have children. How many and how old are they?

Does he only act like this with you and the children? Or does he act like this at work, with friends, when he's shopping? Does he treat non-family members this way?

Does he ever do things like throw stuff; break stuff; punch walls; furnature, etc?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So what if he is Italian, he is being abusive. I suggest you record him when he has one of his next rants and then when things are calmer replay it to him. This is a form of emotional abuse it is irrelevant that he doesn't hit you.
How old are your kids? This is an awful environment for them to grow up in. See a counsellor for yourself to build up your self-esteem so that you become strong enough to take action.
Remember we teach people how to treat us and you are enabling this behaviour by not taking more stringent action. At least do it for your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Tdelphine You need to see a lawyer, your husband is abusing you and your children.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I guess the real question is: do you want your kids and yourself to live the rest of your life this way?
It is awful what he is doing to you. And no, this isn't "just Italian." I lived in Italy. People don't bully their families because they are Italian. What you do now will determine how your kids experience life. It may even determine what kind of partners they choose. If your friend came to you and presented this exact situation about her spouse, what would you advise them to do?

My experience in marriage was that he would get angry, hit walls, scare me, block exits, scare our son. I looked at him and thought, I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is normal.

Get a lawyer and talk through what next steps look like. Protect yourself and his famiy. NOW he hasn't hit you, but you want to make sure you keep yourself and your kids safe.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Please listen to what these other women have been saying.

I can’t see a man, that loves his wife and kids, ever acting like your husband does.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

That just isn't normal and you should make plans for a worst case if he won't stop being an ass.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

He definitely needs to see someone about this anger issues. But if you mention that, he will probably get upset and yell at you. It may take you leaving to wake him up and for HIM to want to seek help. Us guys are stubborn and don't want to believe anything is wrong, regardless of how much our wives tell us there is. We don't listen until we know she is serious...ie walks away or threatens to. Good luck!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Why is this on Coping with Infidelity? Are you looking to cheat? Did he?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

He's abusive. You and your kids don't need to tolerate it.
You need to lawyer up and get your ducks lined up. Have an exit plan solidified.
If you want to save things, operate from a position of strength.
Present him with two options: either he gets help and works through his issues or you are filing.
Be supportive, but take no crap or abuse.
At that point, the ball is in his court. He either does what is required or you walk your talk.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

This is abuse. Your H needs to come to grips that being Italian has nothing to do with his poor behavior. Time for anger management courses. Demand he start attending.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds like your life would be better without him as your husband. It’s time to move out and start the steps.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you ever stood up to him? Called him out when he is condescending to you? Told him to knock it off when he starts in on you?
Push back against him doing this. IF you ever get physically touched, call 911 right away. Nobody should put up with abuse like this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am of Norwegian descent. Should i use that as an excuse to rob, rape and plunder as my viking ancestors did? Should people of German descent start marching jews into gas chambers again? Should people of Spanish descent start killing everyone in Latin America again? Should people of hispanic descent take back the Alamo? Should Japanese bomb Peal Harbor again? Should white people reintroduce measles and smallpox to native americans again and pack them up and send them off to other reservations? Should the french bring back the guillotine and start lopping off the heads of whoever pisses them off? 

My point here is no one should use their ancestry as an excuse to be an A-hole. 

Your H is simply an abuser and you are a classic abused wife. Maybe he hasn't physically assaulted you or the kids yet but that is coming. These things always escalate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Leave him. Be serious about it. Tell him exactly what you expect of him if he you’d even consider coming back. Don’t tell him for a couple of months even that. He needs to think you are gone, and get upset enough to actually get help. You can divorce him as most here suggest, but none of us live with him or know the whole story.
Nobody is perfect. He may need some anger management or he may need some anti anxiety meds.... there may be something that he can do to make you both happier—- if he looks for it. Give it some thought.
Men can be assholes. I know because I am one. But we don’t mean to be, and sometimes don’t realize we are.
Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Leave him. His Italian ancestry has nothing to do with his abusiveness. He is a spoiled, petulant child-man.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So he is Italian, yells at you and his kids a lot, and says he is like this because he is Italian....

Is he in the mafia or something? Or related to Tony Soprano?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

You definitely shouldn't have to walk on egg shells when you're around this man, nor should your children. I've been through it as a kid, it's not good for your development, I'll tell you that. You'll all get anxiety, depression, etc. 

I hate to assume, but he probably wouldn't be willing to go to therapy, right? Or would he? Is this an option you've discussed with him?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Does this Italian (descendant) husband of yours drink a lot of alcohol?
Such that, every day he drinks?


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Worried for you, OP. You've not posted in a bit and you're in a troubling situation.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Hi Tdelphin,It is never ok to abuse, be it verbally, emotionally, financially, physically etc! You shouldn’t live in fear of a outburst. 
As to why he does it, that is the question? It is not your fault, not the children’s not work, no it is him. He may have anger issues or as suggested bipolar. 
please seek IC for you and the children, let his family know of his outburst and that you fear him. With support raise the subject with him. 
But have a plan to exit if he goes off, or refuses help. 
Real Men do not abuse regardless of the issues I teach female self defence so I take great notice of this. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

_He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. _

there might be an organic medical reason.
Posssibly he is undiagnosed diabetic, and the mood swings correspond to his blood sugar levels? Any telltale signs, like he is urinating way too often?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> _He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. _
> 
> there might be an organic medical reason.
> Posssibly he is undiagnosed diabetic, and the mood swings correspond to his blood sugar levels? Any telltale signs, like he is urinating way too often?


You know....

Few people look for the root cause of rude behavior.

It is good that we do. We are nothing but a chemical factory on two legs.

No, no, not saying anyone should stay with an abuser. 
Leave them in peace, your peace of mind.

Fear people like this, make an attempt not to hate them.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tdelphine said:


> I’m at my wits end . My husband and I have three kids together , been together for 12 years . He is very very aggressive and yells constantly. He yells about anything and constantly blames me for everything and condescends me multiple times a day. I love him but I think constantly about what it would be like to be with someone who is loving and kind . He sometimes is , to the point that I think maybe he is bipolar . He snaps and yells and scares us all . Sometimes to the point we have to hide in bedrooms to escape him. He’s never physically harmed us. I’m so exhausted. I’m So tired of walking on eggshells , I long to feel what it’s like to be in love again. I do love my life aside from my marriage and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped , scared , alone and lifeless in this marriage . I don’t know , I’m just venting to strangers cause it’s too much to vent to my friends anymore . Not even sure what I’m looking for besides support . He says he’s aggressive because he is Italian but really , he’s just an jerk . I don’t want my children to be yelled at every day . I’m so saddened that this is how it is . Any advice welcome 🙏🏼


well... you can complain about it or you can do the things necessary to change it. I changed mine 15 years ago and I don’t regret leaving after nearly 30 years with the abuse. Life is too short to stay.


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