# Wife Left 5 Weeks Ago Today...



## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

I have been reading these forums and there seems to be a lot of good advice, so I thought I would post my story.

My wife and I have been separated for 5 weeks now. She moved to her mothers about 30 minutes away. I got the "I am not in love anymore", "Not attracted to you", "Been Unhappy for 2 years now", etc. I have taken her for granted. We have been married for 6 years. The first 4 she did everything for me and then I think she got burned out and I did not do the same for her. We grew apart and now here we are.

The first 2 or 3 weeks of the separation, I did the usual. I begged, cried, promised, and pleaded. That just made her angry and she hung up on my a lot and ingnored my emails. I was and really still really depressed. It has gotten a little easier. I am not begging and pleading anymore. I am still telling her I miss her and love her.

Some background. My wife has been on anti-depressants and I suspect should could be bi-polar. About 18 months ago we had a week long separation and this happened after she decided herself to go off her anti-depressants "cold turkey" and start taking prescription diet pills. She has also been diagnosed by her doc has having an severe hormonal imbalance and they have prescriped speficic birth control pills to try to balance her hormones.

Well about the same time she decided to tell me she didnt love me anymore 5 weeks ago, she was trying to go off her anti-depressants cold turkey again. Since then she has gone back to the doctor and she prescribed her more anti-depressants and actually increased the dosage.

Additionally, she made an appointment for counselling to start next week and I have my own appointment. She said she needs to talk to someone about all the stuff in her head. She cannot let go of anger and she cannot make decisions about anything, including us.

She emailed me this today:

You have to give me this time and not do this to me. 
I do sometimes miss you, but I want to know in my head what I’m missing.

I am trying to figure out where all that anger comes from and what it means.

I do love you. I just don’t need to say it 500 times a day.
No one is going to steal me away.

We did see each other last night for a few hours. We had a long talk and she was talking about things in our future. Like what we are going to do on our wedding anniversary in a few weeks and if we should replace one of our couches and what color to paint one of the bedrooms. That makes me feel that she intends to eventually come home but she really has not committed to a date. She has only said, she cannot come back until she has some counselling first. Plus she just started back on her anti-depressants so that might make it easier to deal with her.


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## JustBrowsing (May 6, 2011)

Give her some breathing room, let her realize what she's missing.


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## MandyLou (May 6, 2011)

I suggest you let her talk to the counsellor. Be patient and let her know you'll be there when SHE is ready. Don't make it about you and what you need or you're right back where you started. If she asks you to go to counselling with her, go and don't complain. Be open and honest with the counsellor and see if there are changes you can both make to repair the rift. Don't make any quick promises in desparation, think about it. If you can't follow through, don't, it will only make things worse.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

JustBrowsing said:


> Give her some breathing room, let her realize what she's missing.


She mentioned that if I would have left her alone the first couple of weeks, she might have decided to come home already but I called and emailed her so much, it just made her really made and she got to the point where she told me she hated me out of anger.

She said she doesn't know if she misses "me" or just misses "our home and lifestyle". Living with her mother is not as nice as being in our nice home.


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## JustBrowsing (May 6, 2011)

Tellin you...let it ride, let her call/contact you.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

MandyLou said:


> I suggest you let her talk to the counsellor. Be patient and let her know you'll be there when SHE is ready. Don't make it about you and what you need or you're right back where you started. If she asks you to go to counselling with her, go and don't complain. Be open and honest with the counsellor and see if there are changes you can both make to repair the rift. Don't make any quick promises in desparation, think about it. If you can't follow through, don't, it will only make things worse.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck.


You are saying some of the same things she has told me. For instance. Yesterday I texted her that I thought she was beautiful. She said "Thank You", I then said, "Don't think me, just love me". She replied, "When I am ready"

I am very open to counselling and I am happy to go separately (we are both seeing the same person). I have read several books over the last few weeks. I am committed to change to make myself a better husband. She has mentioned that she doesn't think people can change or that if I do, it will not last. But it is difficult to prove myself when she is not with me.

I hope the MC drives to move her closer to wanting to come home, so we can rebuild our marriage together.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

JustBrowsing said:


> Tellin you...let it ride, let her call/contact you.


I have cut back the contact and she has started contacting me more. For example, last weekened she said she needed some alone time at her Mom's house. I did not call her the entire weekend. On that Sunday night, she called me and thanked me for giving her the space she needed over the week. Then before she went to bed that night, she texted me, "I love and miss you"
But since, then she has only said she loved and missed me once more.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

DieselDawg said:


> I have cut back the contact and she has started contacting me more. For example, last weekened she said she needed some alone time at her Mom's house. I did not call her the entire weekend. On that Sunday night, she called me and thanked me for giving her the space she needed over the week. Then before she went to bed that night, she texted me, "I love and miss you"
> But since, then she has only said she loved and missed me once more.


What are you doing to correct your part in this?

Are you getting some counseling too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm...wonder who the guy she's seeing is.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Hmmm...wonder who the guy she's seeing is.


I know that statistically, you are more likely to be right, but he said that she appears to be bipolar. Believe me, another man doesn't have to drive these feelings of resentment about the husband. 

Hopefully, her resentment is tied to something logical, and something you can address. In my wife's case (she's bipolar), too many times it was something that she thought I was thinking. She describes it like the voices of very cruel people in her head, yet they don't speak verbally. Its just an overwhelming desire to believe something that has no grounds in reality.

If you've known her long enough, you can sense the time when she's ready to be reeled back in. Until then, keep it distant, impassive, and infrequent. Love her when she's ready to be loved.

Keep in mind that the depression medication doesn't work like a switch. It takes time, and must be consistent.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dawg,

You sound like a really nice guy.

That's likely the beginning of your problems.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read all the links from beginning to end.

We're in the Men's Clubhouse.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Don't chase, don't beg, don't ask for her love. Let her sort it out. For your part the best thing you can do is go about life without her as much as possible. Let her call you. When she does be cordial and business like. Don't get emotional and ask when she's coming home. Let her sort it out. She'll tell you when she's ready. If you pursue her, she will withdraw further, you've already seen that. It's counter to what your brain is telling you to do but it's the right thing to do.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Hmmm...wonder who the guy she's seeing is.


Don't be an ass!


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> I know that statistically, you are more likely to be right, but he said that she appears to be bipolar. Believe me, another man doesn't have to drive these feelings of resentment about the husband.
> 
> Hopefully, her resentment is tied to something logical, and something you can address. In my wife's case (she's bipolar), too many times it was something that she thought I was thinking. She describes it like the voices of very cruel people in her head, yet they don't speak verbally. Its just an overwhelming desire to believe something that has no grounds in reality.
> 
> ...


She has been on anti-depressants for about 5 years now. She tried to go cold turkey off of her anti-depressants and she starting having lots of issues. Like I said before she went back to her doctor and they actually increased her dosage. 

She has a lot of built up anger of some baggage she has with her father and step-mother, plus spent some time taking her for granted. She is the one who recommended she see a counselor, which tells me she is recognizing her issues.

That all being said, I recognize I need to make changes and have an appointment to see the counselor as well, plus I have read several books and done much research for myself over the past 5 weeks.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Don't chase, don't beg, don't ask for her love. Let her sort it out. For your part the best thing you can do is go about life without her as much as possible. Let her call you. When she does be cordial and business like. Don't get emotional and ask when she's coming home. Let her sort it out. She'll tell you when she's ready. If you pursue her, she will withdraw further, you've already seen that. It's counter to what your brain is telling you to do but it's the right thing to do.


Your advice is absolutely correct. I know this because I lived it the past 5 weeks. The more space I give her the more receptive she is to me. For example, last weekend I did not call or text her the entire weekend and by Sunday night she was texting me to tell me she loved me and missed me.

We spent about 4 hours together yesterday and the hugs and kisses she gave me felt real this time. A few weeks ago, they felt cold and forced.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Idn't wierd how folks miss what they don't have?

Good luck man, and remember the only control here is in how you behave and the action you take to make your sitch. better.

If its workin then stay strong and let the phone ring ...let the text go unanswered for a few. Be positive when you 1st talk or 1st enter the room be up beat, start acting like the world is one big rainbow if you know what I mean.

Start showing confidence and positivity (is that a word?) that you are not the same man...these actions will rub off on her. You have seen it first hand so be that confident, stong, positive, alpha male that she married.

Never let her see you down again, never let her see that weak and sad person she ran from. When you walk into the room she wants to see a man that will succeed and she wants to go along for the ride.

No matter how screwed up your day went...don't show it. Act and be the better person that you were 5 weeks ago. Don't tell her show it.

Go buy some nice cloths and through some cologne on and be the 180 man.

Again all the best of luck


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

DieselDawg said:


> Don't be an ass!


For one, I don't appreciate being called names, and for two, she is showing the classic signs of being in, or wanting to have, an affair.


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## DieselDawg (May 6, 2011)

F-102 said:


> For one, I don't appreciate being called names, and for two, she is showing the classic signs of being in, or wanting to have, an affair.


Perphaps you should find a better way to get your point across. Your comment was thoughtless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Not trying to be an "ass", as you think, but go look at all the "I'm not attracted to you any more"-type threads, and they all end up that an ex-BF came back into the picture, or she met someone at work, etc.
And she's at her mother's house? Any sisters or old GFs of hers there?

I'm not trying to be a prick, and I know you don't want to hear it, but you should at least consider the possibility that there may be someone else.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: "I need space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As hard as it is to admit F- has a point. I mean why try to work on a relationship when it takes two to make it work, and if the other person is being influenced by someone else then one's atempts to make repairs would be futel.

I just think the possiblity would need to be ruled out. I would want to know were I stand with regards to the commitment my W has when I'm taking the steps to make things work.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

DieselDawg said:


> Don't be an ass!


Unfortunately F-102's question turns out to be correct 98% of the time here.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I would step it up a little actually.

I would give her a list of criteria that she needs to meet in order to be allowed to come back home. Suggest:

(1) Medication review
(2) Her getting counseling
(3) Understanding that if she just runs again like this, you file for divorce

Do suggest that you rule out another man being in the picture too.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

DD, if I came across as callous and insensitive, I apologize if it seems so, especially the way things are going for you. I'm sorry you are going through this, but a few things jumped out at me when I read your first post. The "I'm not attracted/not in love" are usually red flags for an affair, and the stuff about not being happy for 2 yrs is what they call "the fog"-she may be rewriting history to suit a new situation, or suddenly convincing herself that she wasn't happy in order to justify her actions in her mind. Many women in affairs begin thinking this way. Then there was the "No one is going to steal me away". Was this a concern that you brought up with her before? Or did she just come out and say it on her own? If so, it sounds like too much info, the kind of info that detectives have used to make "persons of interest" into "prime suspects".
Now, I may be totally wrong here, she may NOT be seeing someone, but please keep in mind that she is in a very vulnerable state here. How is your relationship with her mother? If she isn't too fond of you, she may be badmouthing you, causing your W to seriously consider that maybe she would be better off without you, when she may very well have every intention to return. If her sibs or friends try to get her mind off of everything, they may take her for a "girls night out", and again, look in the infidelity section and see how many marriages were destroyed, beginning with a "harmless girls night out".
Again, DD, I'm sorry if I come across as cold-hearted here, and I seriously hope that you will prove me wrong, but PLEASE, don't discount the possibility that her mind may be on someone else.


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