# Hired a lawyer and he flipped out



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Short back story: he had an EA, blames me for everything. Tried fake R then he came out and said he never loved me but tried and I didn't earn his love nor was attractive etc. I'm alone here without family. Stayed at home by mutual decision. Been trying to get a job and any extra gigs in the mean time. Every single day is a new abuse about me getting out of the apartment and how I'm lazy and leeching off his money and not letting him go. He was supposed to have filed for divorce in April. All I asked for was alimony till I get a job. He said no. I also wanted to make sure I remain primary custodian since he really never spends time with DS not can take care of him. He said no.

So I hired a lawyer after and his family made calls for my son to travel again my wishes.

He flipped out and lost his mind. Holes punched in the walls and he even punched me. He then said I was wasting my money cuz he has previously agreed to everything. A lie. And threatened to kill himself!

So he probably did all of this to manipulate me. But now I'm wondering what effects this might have on him :$ how do you guys deal with the litigation and ex spouses reactions to it? Like he wanted the divorce, he says he doesn't live me and threatened me a million times about getting the hell out of his life. He should be happy it's finally coming. He is constantly playing victim in this I can see him harming himself just to prove he is! How do I deal with this?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Sounds like he still loves you.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> Sounds like he still loves you.


I think it's more about control. If you had only seen the drama yesterday! And he attacks me at every turn then keeps saying I am this horrible person etc. that's not love. But most importantly he keeps threatening me. Like you wanted the divorce! You chose your visitation to be in weekends. Not me. But now all of a sudden he puts both things on me! I'm scared of his irrational and unreasonable behavior and most importantly I am scared he wants to hurt himself  like how do I deal with that?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

IDK.... has he got family nearby you could appeal to?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Threats and actions of abuse should never be tolerated. If he physically abuses you call the police.....period. I would also recommend that you get voice activated recorder and keep it on you. If he threatens to kill himself, contact authorities and have this documented. He are probably right that it is a bluff, but you can't take any chances with this. It is better to have him evaluated, then let something bad happen.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, as for son traveling, that's the number one reason you should definitely see an attorney. Make sure if your son has a passport, that you have a travel hold put on it. Both parents need to consent for a child to travel out of the country, until a certain age. You should also resiliency proof your child, make sure he knows your cell and other contact information, where to find safe people, and also establish a secret password between you two that he should ask for if someone says to him, your mother said it was okay for you to go to .... or your mother said she was moving out and didn't want you to live with her...he should know to ask for the password, and if they don't have it...how to call for help, and who to call for help (school principal, police, social services, etc.)

As for your H, next time he starts punching things or threatens or gets out of control, you need to call 911. Then show them the holes in the wall from last time as well and you can get a restraining order. He will have to leave the apartment. And not come back for a certain number of days.

However, during those days you need to be prepared with an attorney, to file paperwork for a divorce, to be able to keep him out permanently and to arrange for a decent amount of $ that will allow you to move on.

It's all about strategy, because he is not going to suddenly start acting nice and become someone he is not. Don't let a source of income hinder you...you have other resources and assets in terms of energy and skills and resolve. Use what you have... also find an attorney who has his or her own skills, and is going to help you navigate through this. An attorney will have a lot more experience and know how, and understand how to avoid loopholes and other obstacles to ending this nightmare you found yourself in.

You can do it, but you need to not worry about figuring it all out right up front before taking action. Start with small things within your control...the mountain will become more of a hill...one you will be able to handle.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

My son is not even 3 yet, so a lot of this is difficult. The other bad side of it is, my family is abroad too. I think they're gonna complicate my travel. His family is here but in another state. 

Involving the lawyer is good because of navigation but I also fear i'm going to break the man. He's so immature and irresponsible and I know he feels all victimized by this (HIS CHOICE). I fear he'll harm himself if I do anything like ask for spousal support till I get a job (which I want) and get it.

As for not calling the cops. I should've. I just felt that everything has gone to the deepest levels of **** possible and I didn't want to add to it. But I should've. He'd have called the cops on me. I don't know. I don't want to turn this into a bigger crap fest but I know if i don't stand my ground and set boundaries now, my son's life is gonna be hell! And he's an innocent baby, that is not fair!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> As for not calling the cops. I should've. I just felt that everything has gone to the deepest levels of **** possible and I didn't want to add to it. But I should've. He'd have called the cops on me. I don't know. I don't want to turn this into a bigger crap fest but I know if i don't stand my ground and set boundaries now, my son's life is gonna be hell! And he's an innocent baby, that is not fair!


Get a lawyer and talk to him about this... Even you didn't call the cops, you may have enough evidence to get a restraining order and an order for temporary support filed against H.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Soup,

How long have you been married?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Soup,
> 
> How long have you been married?


7 years. Separated for about 8 months.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Get a lawyer and talk to him about this... Even you didn't call the cops, you may have enough evidence to get a restraining order and an order for temporary support filed against H.


I have a lawyer. I'm sure documenting this would be good for me. I just don't know what I want to do anymore. Like I want to be primary custodian. I want him and his crazy controlling family to not interfere in parenting DS. Just see and have a relationship with them. And I dunno. But he's so immature that I seriously feel he will break under the weight of forced (legally) responsibility. Obviously if I was aware of this I wouldn't have married him. I've been blind to a lot.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> 7 years. Separated for about 8 months.


A judge would likely award you some spousal support until you get a career moving.

Likely 2 years or so.

It's called contractual maintenance


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Conrad said:


> A judge would likely award you some spousal support until you get a career moving.
> 
> Likely 2 years or so.
> 
> It's called contractual maintenance


That's our main contention point. I stayed at home to take care of our son as a mutual decision. Since he told me he doesn't love me, I've been looking for work and taking on any small gigs I can. But I'm not able to move, especially since most places want me to have a solid income and I don't have one. Then, he's not doing anything re: child care because I stay home. Not even come in the evenings to watch him so I can work a night shift. He says I'm "leeching off of him" and I'm a "healthy adult who should go out and get a job." All fine and dandy, but what about our son? Where we live, we have to fork $1600/month min for care and we have to put him on many lists in advance. Well, how do i know what daycare when I don't even know what neighborhood I'm gonna end up in or him (he doesn't plan on keeping this place when I leave). So I wanted the lawyer to resolve this. And it seemed to have set him off. Like, the man hit me. Do I think it's a one time thing? Or do I expect him to escalate the next time he loses it? Obviously if there is a next time, I'm calling the cops.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Get a voice-activated recorder.

Keep it with you hidden whenever you encounter him.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> Holes punched in the walls and he even punched me.


Am I the only one that saw this? He should be in jail period.

There is no discussion of anything once he lays his hands on her.

There should be no next time.. cause the next time I guarantee someone is going to the hospital and you will be emotional scarred for life.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> There should be no next time..


Oh, but there will be, if she allows it.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

One hit to a spouse is one hit too many.

The issue i see here is that she is trying to protect him "what if he harms himself" to that I say since he hit her is who cares.

How can anyone stay with a person that threatens to kill himself just to keep his marriage together. That is the ultimate controlling action their is.

He won't do it..he is using it as a controlling action. If he is really going to do it... there is nothing she can do.. he will do it regardless of the situation. That is not the case here. He is trapping her in guilt.

Let him be on his own with no contact and call his bluff. If he does it.. you can't be held responsible cause it was meant to be cause he would have done it anyways.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> That's our main contention point. I stayed at home to take care of our son as a mutual decision. Since he told me he doesn't love me, I've been looking for work and taking on any small gigs I can. But I'm not able to move, especially since most places want me to have a solid income and I don't have one. Then, he's not doing anything re: child care because I stay home. Not even come in the evenings to watch him so I can work a night shift. He says I'm "leeching off of him" and I'm a "healthy adult who should go out and get a job." All fine and dandy, but what about our son? Where we live, we have to fork $1600/month min for care and we have to put him on many lists in advance. Well, how do i know what daycare when I don't even know what neighborhood I'm gonna end up in or him (he doesn't plan on keeping this place when I leave). So I wanted the lawyer to resolve this. And it seemed to have set him off. Like, the man hit me. Do I think it's a one time thing? Or do I expect him to escalate the next time he loses it? Obviously if there is a next time, I'm calling the cops.


Actually, it would have been a lot more obvious that physical abuse was unacceptable if you would have phoned the police the FIRST (and every) time it happened. As it is, you've shown him that there are ways/conditions that make it acceptable to you. Like if he threatens self-harm. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Dadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> One hit to a spouse is one hit too many.
> 
> The issue i see here is that she is trying to protect him "what if he harms himself" to that I say since he hit her is who cares.
> 
> ...


Btw, I don't want to stay with him. At all. I just don't know if I should push legally or concede to what he wants which is for me disappear but for him to have all kinds of access to our son who is with me. I'm afraid pursuing legal action is gonna send him off the deepens but really I also need protection. Alison I slapped him before and he actually called the cops on me to document if because he was trying to price I'm crazy. Luckily, he also invalidated himself by punching walls and breaking doors and me showing them to the cops who took me. Also, he leaves me with our son alone without anyone for weeks on end. 

Part of me thinks I can take him and will fight back if he does hit me again, but part of me has no idea what to expect from him anymore: if I take out child away he will kill himself. I know that: if only because he lives misery and want to be a victim. The only reason I'm being somewhat lenient is because I don't want that legacy for my son and I also know we both have been though **** this last 8 months. Both hit rock bottom. It's been so stressful and awful. There is no trust in the other and no communication and lawyering up is bad because then with it comes documentation and drama. I don't know: as I type this I think I'm an idiot and need to tell my lawyer and get this on record ASAP. But I didn't bruise. It feels sore but it was on my shoulder and I' pretty tan so it ends up being his word against mine and he's a great liar.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

If he's telling you he's going to kill himself, he's NOT going to kill himself.

Proceed with legal action and do what's best for your son...NOT the grown man that is his father.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Also I don't bother talk to him. He comes to visit DS and then flips out on me because I'm 'stealing him' from him. I guess by providing care for my child I'm stealing him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you seriously think he's going to kill himself, call 911 and report it. Part of getting a divorce is that his problems are no longer YOUR problems. You need to start focusing on what's right for you and your son. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah...I would call the cops about the physical abuse. If you don't report it...and set that boundary, he will continue to cross it. He already blames you for everything anyway...so he can blame you all he wants with a court date over his head.
As for self-harming, YOU are NOT responsible for that...any more than deserve to bit hit, or cheated on, or verbally abused. It's ALL abuse!!! And he knows he is losing his grip on you...and is resorting to the cheapest of shots.
Report the abuse. And if he has threatened suicide...call your local crisis hotline...CALL HIS BLUFF!!! Tell them that you are divorcing, yet cohabitating...and he is has been frequently speaking of killing himself. They will send a designated social worker to ascertain his mindset...poss. bring in cops to assist if determined to need involuntary commitment...or at least a guarded 3 day stay in observation. Just make a call EVERY TIME he threatens...'cos if that gets repeatedly documented...then it increases the liklihood of an involuntary commit. If he has a rational bone in his body...setting that boundary ought to end these controlling/abusive demonstrations.
These folks are prety adept at discerning the real deal about suicidals (my STBXW was a DMHP) but the sheer fact of repeated calls get all of the agencies irritated...and if you county mental health people don't have grounds to take him...the police may be able to make that same call (depending on state) to put on 3-day mental observation...and trust me, they have far less patience than social workers.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Excellent post FormerSelf


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

VFW said:


> Threats and actions of abuse should never be tolerated. If he physically abuses you call the police.....period. I would also recommend that you get voice activated recorder and keep it on you. If he threatens to kill himself, contact authorities and have this documented. He are probably right that it is a bluff, but you can't take any chances with this. It is better to have him evaluated, then let something bad happen.


Please read this a hundred times....


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice and tips.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> My son is not even 3 yet, so a lot of this is difficult. The other bad side of it is, my family is abroad too. I think they're gonna complicate my travel. His family is here but in another state.
> 
> Involving the lawyer is good because of navigation but I also fear i'm going to break the man. He's so immature and irresponsible and I know he feels all victimized by this (HIS CHOICE). I fear he'll harm himself if I do anything like ask for spousal support till I get a job (which I want) and get it.
> 
> As for not calling the cops. I should've. I just felt that everything has gone to the deepest levels of **** possible and I didn't want to add to it. But I should've. He'd have called the cops on me. I don't know. I don't want to turn this into a bigger crap fest but I know if i don't stand my ground and set boundaries now, my son's life is gonna be hell! And he's an innocent baby, that is not fair!


If you want your son to have a competent and responsible parent, you will do everything in your power that's reasonable and expected based on his actions, to hold him accountable to the normal standards. See it as finishing off what his parents did not do...as best you can...for the sake of your child, who will always have to deal with him. The longer you let him wiggle out of responsibilities and acting "normal" with regards to maturity, the longer it will take to repair the damage and the deeper he will dig his heels in on this behavior. 

It's not about how to get him to not be angry and act out, it's letting him show his true colors so that he can be dealt with accordingly, have remedies applied (that may include legal action) and be held accountable, adhere to right behaviors even if forced, and move on. 

If he harms himself, then he will get the psychological help he would clearly need. Sooner than later. Sure it would make it more difficult for you to get financial support in that case - from him - but there are other ways to obtain what it is you need for day to day life, and I hardly think you would fall through the cracks. You could afford to be a bit more open-minded about the fact that your life is going to change, and you need to let go of that sure thing that isn't working for you, and allow a different life to occur, one that is in line with natural consequences, not accommodating him in any way other than reasonable compromises negotiated with attorney or mediator...that is the way mature adults solve problems. He is beyond what anyone would be prepared to handle on their own.

So you slapped him once. How much bigger is he than you? It would be clear if he brought this up, that he was digging for a way to make you the bad person, it's almost laughable. 

Has he, by any chance, ever spanked or slapped your son?


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