# Parent loss and marriage



## Lucinda

My father died unexpectedly in 2020 in an accident. My mother now stays with my husband and I (and our kids)on the weekends. She gets very lonely throughout the week so staying with us on the weekends helps her keep her mind off things,keeps her busy, ect….. My husband was never keen on this idea, however he put up with it and now he is done. He said he’s going to start staying somewhere else on the weekends if I continue to let my mom stay here on the weekends. My mom also has a puppy to help her through the grieving process (who is very hyper) and the dog drives him nuts as well because it comes with my mom on the weekends. I’m at a loss here. I’m not comfortable telling my mom she can’t stay here on the weekends. My husband says I pick her over him all the time and he’s done. I don’t know what to do. My mom is still having a really hard time with my father’s unexpected death. He was only 59 years old and she’s only 57. I feel like she only looks forward to the weekends when she can drive down ( we live like 45 min away) and stay the weekends with us. I hate for her to feel so lonely on the weekends and be by herself. I feel like he’s being super selfish and I have no idea what to do. My mom and husband usually get along but lately he barely speaks to her because he is so annoyed with her and now the dog on the weekends. I know my mom senses that something is going on but I don’t have the heart to tell her. Any advice would be great! Most people I talk with say he’s being selfish. I see how this can be a lot for him to deal with but I don’t want my mom sitting at home on the weekends by herself. What should I do?
Thanks!


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## Affaircare

@Lucinda, 

I am currently 59yo and my husband died when I was 55yo and he was 59yo. When my husband passed away, we were living in a 3 bedroom home with my oldest son and his wife -- we had one bedroom, they had another, and the third was an office. Immediately after my husband died, I was happy to have "the kids" in the house with me because an empty, silent house would have been difficult to bear. But I did not stay in that state of purpetual mourning, and your mom is not a delicate flower who can't survive without you...or who wants you to destroy a good marriage for her!

I think you may be having some shock and trouble dealing with your father's death, and you project it onto your mother. OR both of you are having some shock and trouble dealing with it. Either way, YOUR "family" now is your husband and your children. Your mom is a fully grown, mature, wise, beautiful, smart woman. She had a marriage and raised kids who are successful adults--trust me when I say, she can deal with this too! If you are the one having diffculty dealing with your father's death, you go ahead and get yourself to some therapy or a grief support group. If you mom is the one having difficulty, don't just "encourage her" to go to counseling or grief support--drive her over there. You guys NEED to process this grief and get on with living!

Now, let me ask you this: did your father like your husband? Was your dad happy that you married him? If your dad were alive today, would he be proud of you for harming your marriage? Would he be happy if you and your husband divorce because you won't talk to your mom and tell her the puppy is too much? It would mean the world to your husband if you stood up FOR HIM (instead of standing up to him), and you lovingly said to your mom, "Mom, I love you and _Hubby_ loves you, but we are beginning to have marital trouble because of the puppy and the weekend visits. We need to have a break. As much as we love you, we love each other too, and for two years now we have not had time for ourselves to be a couple. Our marriage is just as important to us and your marriage with dad was to you, and we need to suspend every weekend and the puppy for a while." See how that's not saying "Hubby doesn't want you or your puppy around anymore"? That's standing up FOR YOUR HUSBAND and your family, to say that you two are a TEAM and the team needs a break. 

If mom is lonely and freaks out over this, give her some ideas so she has some alternatives, but also bear this in mind: she is not a child nor helpless. She can make up her own mind and do her own thing. Let her/help her to figure this out ON HER OWN, because you aren't her crutch. She is alive. She has living children. She could have nearby friends! Give her the tools to work this out on her own.


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## As'laDain

Lucinda said:


> My father died unexpectedly in 2020 in an accident. My mother now stays with my husband and I (and our kids)on the weekends. She gets very lonely throughout the week so staying with us on the weekends helps her keep her mind off things,keeps her busy, ect….. My husband was never keen on this idea, however he put up with it and now he is done. He said he’s going to start staying somewhere else on the weekends if I continue to let my mom stay here on the weekends. My mom also has a puppy to help her through the grieving process (who is very hyper) and the dog drives him nuts as well because it comes with my mom on the weekends. I’m at a loss here. I’m not comfortable telling my mom she can’t stay here on the weekends. My husband says I pick her over him all the time and he’s done. I don’t know what to do. My mom is still having a really hard time with my father’s unexpected death. He was only 59 years old and she’s only 57. I feel like she only looks forward to the weekends when she can drive down ( we live like 45 min away) and stay the weekends with us. I hate for her to feel so lonely on the weekends and be by herself. I feel like he’s being super selfish and I have no idea what to do. My mom and husband usually get along but lately he barely speaks to her because he is so annoyed with her and now the dog on the weekends. I know my mom senses that something is going on but I don’t have the heart to tell her. Any advice would be great! Most people I talk with say he’s being selfish. I see how this can be a lot for him to deal with but I don’t want my mom sitting at home on the weekends by herself. What should I do?
> Thanks!


it doesnt matter whether he is being selfish or not. the only difference it might make is in how justified you feel in your actions. fact is, the situation is making him miserable enough that he is willing to leave over it.

if you were miserable enough to leave, you would too.


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## Openminded

Your mom needs to rebuild her life. As long as she’s staying with you on the weekend she’s postponing that. I don’t blame your husband and I don’t think he’s being selfish — actually, I think he’s been very patient in all of this. Talk to her this weekend and encourage her to start creating a new life for herself — starting now.


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## Openminded

What you really don’t want to happen is to have his resentment over the situation eventually spill over to you. And that could easily be the case sooner or later if this isn’t fixed. It isn’t just going to go away on its own.


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## Diana7

I do honestly think that he is entirely justified. Your mum is still young, she has to make a life for herself now after 2 years. Does she have hobbies or interests? Friends? Other family members? Clubs? A church? 

In her place there is no way I would expect my child and their family to host me every weekend for 2 years. You need time just the two of you and your children. 

Can you encourage her to get involved in things where she lives? Visit other family members? It's odd that she appears to have no life of her own at her age. 

Maybe suggest she comes for the weekend once a month, or a couple of separate days each month. Or you could go and see her one or two days a month. Also if she is still struggling suggest she has some grief counselling.


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