# Update-I haven't been here in a long while



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

For those of you that remember me here is an update on my situation.

I should be divorced by the end of September!!!!! This is the second attempt at divorce because the first case was dismissed by the Judge due to my STBXH wouldn't show up for court dates. 

I got a great job and moved 2 1/2 hours away from my home. It's very different but I am loving it! 

I finally got past the wanting to 'prove' all his wrong doing. I just don't care anymore. I did send him an email last week giving him a chance to settle out of court. I was stern and in his face! I called him a liar, adulterer and a tax evader, which are all true! He replied with his usual BS and I laughed. Didn't respond. 

I am so excited about changing my name as I don't ever want to see his last name behind my first name ever again!!! 

It's been a long hard road but I have finally come to a place I can choose an entirely new road for myself. 

I'm happy but I know I have serious trust issues going forward. I hate that but I know that only time will begin to change that problem.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Something that jumped out from your update was the name change; I think that may be a powerful thing. Changing that is a huge statement about your identity going forward. YOU get to define who you are and YOU will be fully in control. Good for you, and I hope you continue to see this new chapter as the opportunity that it truly is!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Changing my name is the most important thing for me now. His last name disgusts me and I curse under my breath each time I have to sign a document at work with that name. I hate being called Mrs.....! What gets me through is knowing in less than a month I can start legally changing my name on everything! I ordered new business cards a few days ago and I am so excited about chunking the crappy ones in the trash and using my new ones!!!! I lost everything material in this divorce but I'm ok. I'm a good person and I will strive to be even better. I should have divorced him 18 years ago and there have been days that I have kicked myself in the butt for putting up with his lies and adultery for so many years but after it is all said and done he can't hurt me anymore.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> Changing my name is the most important thing for me now. His last name disgusts me and I curse under my breath each time I have to sign a document at work with that name. I hate being called Mrs.....! What gets me through is knowing in less than a month I can start legally changing my name on everything! I ordered new business cards a few days ago and I am so excited about chunking the crappy ones in the trash and using my new ones!!!! I lost everything material in this divorce but I'm ok. I'm a good person and I will strive to be even better. I should have divorced him 18 years ago and there have been days that I have kicked myself in the butt for putting up with his lies and adultery for so many years but after it is all said and done he can't hurt me anymore.


At least you are near the end of this chapter.

If I may ask, why did you lose so much materially? How are the boys handling this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am glad this is happening for you, at last.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> It's been a long hard road but I have finally come to a place I can choose an entirely new road for myself.
> 
> I'm happy but I know I have serious trust issues going forward. I hate that but I know that only time will begin to change that problem.


Lonestar!

I don't know if I ever commented to you, but I remember reading your posts.

The new road is good. I am sure you will like moving in a different direction now.

Trust is different as you move into a new relationship. I find myself adjusting back and forth on how much trust a second marriage should have to make it good. I often wonder where it should fall.

It is good to be self-aware that you will be re-defining your trust for a new person. It seems that it should be discussed openly with them. I have done that, and it helps both my new wife and me. We know that my soft spot is trust. She has helped by letting me know things to keep my feet on the ground.

I also think a tiny bit of mis-trust is probably a good thing. It may be a little insurance for not letting things get out of control.

Also as you move forward, be careful not to poject your old hurt on to your new partner(s). It is easy to do, and very unfair. I have done it on occasion, and it is something that we (BSs) need to work on. It happens in a few of my friends' second marriages, and it probably is universal. When it happens to you, call it a spade. Admit it, and own it. It helps me when the emotions die down to openly discuss it and understand it for what it is, my old pain from betrayal.

In the end, I don't know if the relationships will be as deep. My problem is a little fear of being devestated again. I resist in letting go, as I did in my first marriage. 

It is ok. We can love again, the boundries are different. My mistrust is off-set with GRATITUDE for a new spouse that cares for me. She loves me, and that feels so good after being treated like a second choice by a WS. I am sure you will feel that way too.

Good luck! Wish you the best!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> At least you are near the end of this chapter.
> 
> If I may ask, why did you lose so much materially? How are the boys handling this?


STBXH stopped financial support over a year ago. I was working two jobs for a while but still couldn't keep up. My credit has been seriously damaged and the house is going into foreclosure. All I got out of it was my furniture and personal belongings. 

My older two boys were from my first marriage even though they have been raised by STBXH for 20 years. Neither of them have anything to do with him Our son together is 20, he moved in with daddy, daddy's girlfriend and two teenage daughters almost a year ago. Son claims he hates them all but yet he is still there. Whatever.

So sorry to hear about your situation. My heart breaks for you.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks LMT. I feel sure you are right. I'm not interested in dating at this time in my life. I need time to become comfortable with letting go and becoming my own woman. I don't feel that I have anything to offer someone else at this time but that is ok. I'm not looking for anything, just wanting to be me and enjoy whatever I want when I want.


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