# Giving it One Last Shot



## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Hello All,

So after 17 years of ups and a lot of downs, I have realized that I'm too old to live this way. Life is short and I deserve to be happy as do my husband and four children. I have heard all of the terrifying stats on the negative impact of divorce not only on the kids, but also on the husband and wife. I want to give it one last shot...however MC is not going to be an option...I am coming to you all for some tips on what to do in a "one last try" situation. What has worked in your marriages? I don't want to throw away 17 years...but I'm not going to tolerate being unhappy anymore. Things have to change. I'm praying that we can turn this marriage around and actually be the "successful couple" that most people *think* we are...

Are there any books you recommend?

Communication techniques?

Etc? Etc? :scratchhead: :scratchhead:

Thanks in advance!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

What are you unhappy about? What needs changed?


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I have heard this so many times through the years. What I would suggest is that so long as you believe your happiness comes from someone else you will never find it. No person makes you happy or unhappy. The person responsible for that is the one standing in your mirror.
You can divorce this husband......but there is not a man alive that can make you happy.

That being said, I am sure it would help if you were satisfied with your marriage. What are the issues in your marriage that you would like to improve?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

happiness come from within grasshopper!


what about your marriage are you not happy with? 

is the sex good and frequent enough?
dose he work and suport his family good enough?
dose he love you and your family ...dose he show it through words and actions?


dose he respect you and do you deserve respect?


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> I have heard this so many times through the years. What I would suggest is that so long as you believe your happiness comes from someone else you will never find it. No person makes you happy or unhappy. The person responsible for that is the one standing in your mirror.
> You can divorce this husband......but there is not a man alive that can make you happy.
> 
> That being said, I am sure it would help if you were satisfied with your marriage. What are the issues in your marriage that you would like to improve?


Honestly, I tried to articulate to my H last night what exactly I'm unhappy about and I had a hard time...I have a lot of resentment toward him over past things that I know I need to get over...but it's like a cycle of things are good...then somehow I don't measure up to my husband he FREAKS calls me names and tells me how his life sucks because of me...blah blah on and on...then we don't speak...things cool off and then we are okay again. Nothing ever gets addressed. I just want off the rollercoaster and I want us to communicate better. You all ought to see the WALL of marriage books I have...it's like I'm addicted to them, but my marriage never gets better...

And it's true that I have to first be happy in myself. I have to be the one to take charge of my life and find the happiness that I deserve. I'm trying to do this by exploring my faith more (I'm a Chrisitan) and doing things to improve MYSELF...


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What are you unhappy about? What needs changed?


Yes, it would be helpful to know what is making both of you unhappy. I assume you are both on the same page and know what changes need to be made and you are both in this 100% to work through? 

There are so many books out there and if MC is not an option then books that have workshop/homework suggestions are better. Reading the book(s) on your own won't cut it. You need to read together in a quiet, intimate setting with no distractions. And you need to really do the skill sections. 

Do you belong to a church? How about speaking to a pastor? There may also be free workshops in your area that you can attend too.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sorry, was writing my post just as you were responding to youkiddingme.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Sex is usually good, but not when we are not on good terms with eachother...it's been a while...I almost initiated this morning but it was time to get the kids up for school...

He works and provides...I only work part-time/casual. He is loving and affectionate towards me and the kids...towards me as long as he is happy with me and he feels good within himself and no problems at work...I guess he is basically normal...I have no idea what my problems are. It's so hard to explain. I don't want to bash him for the past, but sometimes I feel so angry towards him and lately I've been very cold towards him...making him "pay" for whatever...ugh...


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

btw...there has been no infidelity...this is basically a communication/respect thing I would think. Or maybe I'm the problem.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...

Sounds like you have to lay it all on the line with him.
First though look in the mirror at your part of this... it took you both to get here.

Literally have THE TALK.... list for him the things that make you want to dissolve the marriage. Ask him if he's willing to partner with you to resolve these issues together... tell him this is his one chance that you are already at the edge but fell you owe the marriage and him one last chance.

Give him that list... admit to him what you feel you did wrong to get here and ask him if there are any other concerns about yourself from his end. See where there is common ground and hold each other accountable. Have a future checkpoint to talk about progress if you both agree to take a marriage path.

Agree together....

What the issues are
That they need resolved
That it needs resolve in a reasonable time-frame
State why its hurting your marriage.

Don't be afraid to put it all out in the open... you have to.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Resentment sticks around when the other person is not acknowledging his/her mistakes or participation in the issue that caused the resentment in the first place. Doesn't sound like your husband is owning up to past wrongs. So if he doesn't do that then our immediate response is to punish-punish-punish. That is why you can't let go. That is why you are continuously wanting him to "pay". He needs to understand that the only way to get to the other side of this problem is to go THROUGH it, not around it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

RESENTMENT....

Is like POISON you drink to make your spouse feel bad.

Drop it. My wife had to for our marriage to survive.


YEAR 17..is the same year my wife uttered ILYNILWY....
Its a MLC....flash point.

You can WORK to save your marriage and correct bad behaviors or not....

Divorce means you gave up.

I looked at ILYNILWY as an opportunity to correct out entire marriage.... thank my wife to this day for saying it!

Look at challenges as great opportunities.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> OP...
> 
> Sounds like you have to lay it all on the line with him.
> First though look in the mirror at your part of this... it took you both to get here.
> ...


Thank you! Indeed, that is what needs to happen and I kind of did lay some of it out for him, but I didn't really go all the way, because I didn't want to hurt him, but I did say I'm unhappy and that it can't go on like this....

Ideally I would like for us to take a weekend away and really talk it out...I'm going to ask him and see what he says...


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> *Resentment sticks around when the other person is not acknowledging his/her mistakes or participation in the issue that caused the resentment in the first place.* Doesn't sound like your husband is owning up to past wrongs. So if he doesn't do that then our immediate response is to punish-punish-punish. That is why you can't let go. That is why you are continuously wanting him to "pay". He needs to understand that the only way to get to the other side of this problem is to go THROUGH it, not around it.


Yes! Amen @ the bold! He does not and will not apologize or see his side of things. He says he had every right to say what he said or do what he did because I brought it all on myself.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> RESENTMENT....
> 
> Is like POISON you drink to make your spouse feel bad.
> 
> ...


Trying2figureitout....I feel ya...I know I have to just go forward. I'm only 35 so it's not a mlc but I get what you are saying. I want to WORK on things and so does he, but I wonder if he really knows what it entails. It takes two. Also, I have never uttered ILYNILWY btw...although I think he may have said it to me in the past...just saying...but yes, I want to make this work and I want this marriage to finally THRIVE and not just survive as we have been doing.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Lavender&Lace said:


> Yes! Amen @ the bold! He does not and will not apologize or see his side of things. He says he had every right to say what he said or do what he did because I brought it all on myself.


Classic blameshifting. Hate that!!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Lavender&Lace said:


> Trying2figureitout....I feel ya...I know I have to just go forward. I'm only 35 so it's not a mlc but I get what you are saying. I want to WORK on things and so does he, but I wonder if he really knows what it entails. It takes two. Also, I have never uttered ILYNILWY btw...although I think he may have said it to me in the past...just saying...but yes, I want to make this work and I want this marriage to finally THRIVE and not just survive as we have been doing.


Then do it...wake him up and start on the same path.

Give it a time period... people do not change overnight.

YOU BOTH HAVE TO CHANGE!

YOU CHANGE YOURSELVES

Determine YOUR NEEDS and listen to HIS NEEDS.... you don't need a book!
Make sure you each know the other NEEDS. Don't be ashamed of insisting your spouse provides you
with those NEEDS.

I am giving my wife/marriage 4 years not a day longer.
You may have to have two TALKS I did one in Year 1 and 1 in Year 3. There will not be a YEAR 4.

Pretty sure her and I are in lockstep now to our NEW MARRIAGE.

If you choose a marriage path you both have to commit 100% get that assurance from each other.
Easier to fix what you have ....grass is greener where you water it.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks so much for words of advice, support and encouragement. I just spoke with my husband and asked him about getting away for a weekend and he said we could do that...I hope to figure out everything that I want to say. I am also going to ask him to think about what he wants to say. I'd like for us to speak openly and honestly and recommit to our marriage and making it work. I hope I can update you all with some positive news!

Thanks!!!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

One more avenue of communication with your husband....

*EMAIL*

It works.
My wife never responds but she sure does read them.... sure she dreads the text on her phone. You have a GMAIL I need you to read.

Might give him a "heads up" of things you would like him to think about prior to your weekend together... sort of an agenda.

Better than blindsiding him.

I do this for my wife... makes it 'easier' during actual talk.

Good Luck


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

That's a great tip! Thanks so much! I'm really hopeful about a new start.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You can do this.... check your emotions at the door though. Be frank, understanding and REALLY LISTEN to each other with respect. You will start healing agree to drop past resentment. Remember set a checkpoint a few months down the road.

What gets measured gets done!

Don't blame each other simply explain how THE MARRIAGE needs fixed.
Try to see things from each others perspective...even if you don't agree.


One last point....don't keep harping on it daily...let time work. Let life interactions work.
Hold your tongue no matter how much you want to scream... let time work.

Takes time to see REAL ORGANIC CHANGE.


At the checkpoint then bring back things agreed previously and judge progress.
Implement finer details and set a new checkpoint... rinse repeat.

Become the best spouse you can for HIM....always no matter what he does.
Give him that chance. He will change for himself and ultimately you.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Just had to thank you again. Your advice about dropping resentment came back to me today as I was tempted to hold out on my husband for affection. It has something that I've pretty much always done, and its now a habit but I'm trying to be more receptive and go with the flow...I'm really trying to let go of the past and go forward and create a NEW, better marriage.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Awesome feel free to PM anytime you need advice from the other side. I think you can do this,


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