# After an affair - am I an idiot or what?



## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Help - this is a long story - I have been married 16 years with 2 children. 
It's the same old story. Get married, have children, I focus on children, neither of us communicate, husband feels neglected, has affair. Back in February my husband confessed to a two-year affair that devastated me. This affair came to a head only because the other woman's husband found out and threatened to tell me, otherwise it would have carried on. I won't lie, our relationship was at rock bottom, no sex we lived more like brother and sister and went through the motions of being a family but neither of us were happy. I understand the reasons behind the affair, over time I can get over it, learn to forgive and ultimately I want to fight for my marriage. 
The past seven months have been great. I've took up running which I love and have lost three stone in weight and most of all I feel confident and stronger and I'm happy with who I am. I get help more around the house, our sex life is fantastic, we go out at every opportunity. Obviously my husband has to regain my trust and I know over time the raw feelings over the affair and betrayal will fade. I feel that we are both trying to get through this together BUT ONE BIG PROBLEM:
The affair my husband had was not just about sex but emotional as well as two years is a long time. I knew this and talked with my husband about this, I knew it wouldn't end overnight and I expected contact to continue. 
During the seven months since the affair I have dealt with the other woman's husband coming to my house to tell me they are still contacting each other which I knew anyway, her sending messages telling me do I know about the contact still. I have always shied away from confrontation but I now stand up for myself more, I've had the usual slanging match on the doorstep, warning her off etc.
My husband assures me that it ended seven months ago but my problem is still the contact. I came to a point where I asked him to promise me he wouldn't contact her again - he couldn't do that. Am I stupid to put up with this? I feel that I have given 100% in the last seven months to try and save our marriage because I love him. To know that he won't stop the contact feels like a kick in the teeth, surely if he wants our marriage to work he should stop now after seven months. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and he'll never walk away.
He says that things are fading, but I checked his phone on Monday and the message was general but ended 'have a nice day sexy!' - the same sort of messages he sends me. I confronted him, through coffee over him, packed his bag for him and screamed at him to get out! - but when it came down to it I backed down because I don't want him to go, I still love him and I admit although I'm stronger I can't imagine being on my own with two children.
AM I STUPID - do I give it more time and hope things do fade with her. Is he keeping his options open - he claims he'll never be with her even if we do split up. He says he opened up to her when things were bad between us and he doesn't hate her.
I can understand this but only to a certain point. To read the message the other day tells me different. I've told him to sort himself out, I don't think he knows what he wants, but he still tells me he won't leave. He also told her at the beginning of the affair that he wouldn't leave me. Why do they still contact each other if they both know it was over? Are they both laughing at me behind my back? is it genuinely just texting? 
Emotionally I'm up and down hour by hour day by day - it now feels that I'm back to square one again, trusting is going to be hard, do I give it best now or wait and see. Can someone give me sensible advice and help me move forward PLEASE!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why were you two not communicating and not having sex before the affair? Was this a joint decision or did primarily one of you withdraw from the relationship? One of you (or both) decided to abandon the other before the actual affair. It wasn't his choice to discontinue the affair. It was forced upon him. Perhaps he has yet to make his own firm decision regarding the matter. If your marriage is to work, it seems this would be important. If you abandoned the marriage long before his affair and continously rejected him, then there is not one offended party here but two and two people need to accept responsibility, apologize, and make ammends.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

The marriage breakdown was a bit of both sides we both admit this now, can see how it went wrong and are both now communicating and sharing our feelings. The problem now is there is still contact going on apparently not physical but just verbal - how do I deal with this? End it now when I still love him? he clearly won't stop contacting her and vice versa - I ask myself he is at least being honest about this but is that the whole truth or just cover? - do I wait and see what happens down the line or am I holding on to something that is already lost for good? Let me know your thoughts

GREEN


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's serious about making this work, he has to cease all contact with this woman, IMO. I believe I'd need more than his promise at this point. I'd want full access to his email account, cell phone, etc. If he wants to cooperate, this shouldn't be too much to ask. He needs to get off the fence. The risk you take is that he might refuse. I would rather be alone than someone's second choice. 16 years is a long investment but it beats investing 20. He's getting some pay-off from this woman. You probably have already done this, but you might see try to find out what he's getting out of this and see if he could get that need satisfied at home just as easily. It won't be easy to talk to him about this without getting emotional but that's the only way you're gonna find out what he's getting out of this. He can get sex at home and I expect you have . Maybe she listens to him more, maybe she compliments him or pampers him. Maybe she tells him jokes or shows him magic tricks. Who knows? He's getting something out of this and it must be pretty important to him to risk breaking up a 16 year marriage.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks for your comments unbelievable

We have talked about things I've asked him why he can't or won't break contact. Things went on for so long until that relationship felt normal. He says he can't hate her and that he feels bad about what he did. He has sworn on his 6 year old daughter's life that nothing has happened between them since - he's never said anything like that before. My problem is that I cannot see why he continues to risk his marriage (as it is now it's great! and he agrees) to carry on contacting her. I've told him that surely he's causing her more pain in the long run leading her to believe there might still be something there. He understands how I feel but is unhappy to be forced to make the decision - telling me that I'm trying to make him something I want. I still can't get around the fact that if it's only verbal contact he should be cooling it by now - surely now it can't be that difficult?

GREEN


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People who say "I swear on my child's life", or "I swear on my mother's grave" or "Swear on the Good Book" bother me. This is one of the first things taught in most any interrogation school. People who tell the truth normally don't feel the need to augment their story with such oaths. Not saying it is what your husband is doing, but unsolicited oath swearing is a very common sign of deception. Doesn't really change things. Even if this is "only" an emotional affair, it's still a problem. If her feelings have become more important to him than yours, it's a problem. You didn't ask him to "hate" her. Where did that come from? Trying to repair a marriage while engaged in an intimate relationship with another woman just sounds illogical and unproductive to me. Did he happen to say when this relationship began and what he enjoys about her company?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some honest people use phrases such as "I swear to God" as a normal part of their speech. You indicated you'd never heard him say such things before, which makes his choice of words rather interesting. It's just one verbal clue, though and no decent interrogator would draw a conclusion from only one clue. Might mean nothing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's pretty simple.

Men like to keep the door open as an ego feed.

He's liking what he sees from you, but he doesn't wish to end the other because he's not sure that what's going on now doesn't represent "best behavior" on your part.

He's likely concerned that if he gives her up - completely - you'll go back to where you were.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

To unbelievable
We've talked for hours on this matter - that I can't see he's giving everything to try and make this marriage work while still being attached to another woman if only emotionally. I've told him this is unacceptable and I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I'm giving it a little longer to see if he is willing to do anything. If not, we will have to call it a day.
Thanks for your good advice.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Can anybody give me pointers that I can pass on to my husband to help him finish all contact with the other woman. I can't make him do anything, but some advise would be helpful.
Thanks
GREEN


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

G,
Can you honestly say that with her out of the picture you will continue being a great W? If so, than you deserve for his EA to end. If you have doubts you need to resolve them first. 

Many spouses think their vows give them the freedom to do whatever they want, at the expense of their partners. And the "safer" they feel in the marriage, the less effort they put into making their partner happy. 

If you can convince your H, that with her gone your behavior will remain exemplary, perhaps he will consider ending it. 

As for his wording, well he is playing word games. You are not asking him to hate her, simply to stop all contact. One is a feeling he cannot control, the other is a choice he makes daily. 






green said:


> Can anybody give me pointers that I can pass on to my husband to help him finish all contact with the other woman. I can't make him do anything, but some advise would be helpful.
> Thanks
> GREEN


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yes, someone can give your H pointers on leaving this other woman. Paul Simon wrote a song about it. Something about "slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan, no need to be coy, Roy......" He knows very well how to cease communicating with another human being. My cell phone has caller ID. If I don't want to talk to someone, I don't answer. If I get an email I don't want, I delete it.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The contact has to stop, period. He says he's not doing anything, but he is, he is hurting both you and the other husband by having anything at all to do with this person. You aren't going to be able to completely move on until it's completely over between them. There is no argument in that.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi Green, you aren't crazy. Your husband is "cake-eating" meaning he wants you AND he wants the contact with the other woman. The affair is still active, regardless of what he thinks. Reconciliation only starts once there is no contact in place.

This article may help (Affaircare is a member of this forum.)
Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

Your best bet is to say very plainly, "your continued contact with the other woman doesn't work for me. You can either commit to our marriage by a) going No Contact, b) answering all my questions honestly, and c) starting counseling, or I would like a separation and for you to move out."

Tough love. Most men buckle when confronted like this. The article refers to consequences letters. Here's some examples (from Marriage builders via Affaircare):

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Sample PLAN B Letters

You need to get tough with him and yourself. Nothing will change until you push the issue.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

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My husband and I have talked about this.
I told him that this situation is unacceptable and that he must see for us to move forward he has to stop all contact. I know that I can't wipe out what happened or the years before when our marriage was really bad, but he has to show committment by cutting contact. I'm giving 100% and I feel that he isn't. If he is not prepared to do this then it isn't fair on me, him or the other woman. I told him to think about what I've said and make a decision. I left things for awhile and he has now told me that he has stopped contacting her and he has shown me the e-mails from her and his replies - it wasn't easy reading but most of what I read I knew anyway - I know I can now start trusting him again but I have pointed out that no matter how hard it is for him to do it or how hurt I feel, I must see all messages, e-mails etc otherwise if things remain quiet, I will get suspicious.
I hope we can get through this - as I said before we are getting on great, things feel different for both of us and I know there's a long way to go.
Thanks


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