# When libido goes dormant?



## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

I was curious to get a females explanation on the scenario where a woman's libido goes dormant for awhile.

I have spoken to several women including my wife who have explained a period in their life where they slowly lost libido and at some point didn't even waste time masturbating anymore. If their husband needed sex they might comply and have an orgasm in the interim, but for the most part they claim it was dormant.

Obviously I am not speaking to all women. However, as a high libido man, I don't know how mine could go dormant if I tried. And if it did drop that much, I would probably worry and masturbate purposefully.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well, we can't really compare ourselves to each other on certain things. What is normal for your body isn't necessarily normal even for another man's body.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

When I had infant and toddler at home.

When I had IUD in - complete loss of libido.

When my marriage was hell - although not entirely. my libido was fine, I just would prefer DIY.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tbk said:


> as a high libido man, I don't know how mine could go dormant if I tried. And if it did drop that much, I would probably worry and masturbate purposefully.


What would that accomplish?


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

lenzi said:


> What would that accomplish?


Not saying it would accomplish anything. But since I have been high libido my whole life, my ego would want me to make sure I still had it


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

Well...let me try to add some clarity.

I know many wives have experienced this dormant time when they had a horrible marriage. And in a couple cases I know, maybe these women masturbated once a month just to get rid of the annoying itch.

Without stereotyping, I hear these kind of stories about women, but never from men. Is it easier for women to go dormant because maybe societal programming tells her if she doesn't really want to have sex with her husband then she needs to shut it down because she has not other options?

Again...I am not talking about all women or even most women necessarily. So please...no need to reply that I shouldn't be generalizing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

tbk said:


> W Is it easier for women to go dormant because maybe societal programming tells her if she doesn't really want to have sex with her husband then she needs to shut it down because she has not other options?


has nothing to do with societal norms. We simply need to feel love and feel loved to have sex. If we resent our husband it is very hard to enjoy sex.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

tbk said:


> Without stereotyping, I hear these kind of stories about women, but never from men.


My libido went dormant when our marriage was tanked. Getting rejected 90% of the time. I stopped making advances, period. 

It was self preservation and didn't turn to porn or an affair. I turned it off unconsciously, I suppose.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

From all I have read on TAM.. I am convinced RESENTMENT is the #1 libido killer for many couples...

I have never felt any resentment towards my husband since we've been together (I realize this might sound crazy to some or I have to be lying...but I'm not) the closest I ever came was learning he PUSHED down his emotions & drive when he wanted more sex & he was becoming a little resentful of ME !...He didn't want to bother me.. for 19 yrs he had the higher sex drive.. it's not something I was thinking about or tuned into.. and he wasn't helping me understand how it hurt him...... He was NEVER a man to push ....I just think back -that he could have gotten more creative to turn up the heat, at least talked to me!...(I feel this denied us both).

But anyway... getting back to this question.. I have never had a dormant phase.. since masturbating from age 12 ish .. to now (will be 50 in a few yrs.. beyond over the hill).....after so many days...I would need a "release"...almost like a guy.. just not as often...(if something aroused me, a hot movie / pages of a steamy romance)...once that started churning in me.. I would go after him... 

With every pregnancy, I was hornier...I used to think "am I bothering him too much!".... With each birth....I'd complain..."







How can I wait that long....I NEED IT !"... could never last as long as Doctor's orders...

During my high drive spell (lasting a couple yrs in my 40's)..... I could hardly stand not getting it -even during my period, it was unrelenting.. really opened my eyes to what a HIGHER driver goes through on a daily basis.. It's much easier to NOT be plagued by sex on the brain 24/7...


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

T&T said:


> It was self preservation and didn't turn to porn or an affair. I turned it off unconsciously, I suppose.


This I can kind of understand. There was a period of time I went through the same thing but as mentioned earlier, couldn't stand it so I used porn to get it going and take care of myself. 

I guess if a woman is low libido, then taking care of yourself 1-2 month just to get rid of the itch sounds reasonable. When my wife went through this phase, she said she would grab the wand once a month..it would take 5 minutes of wand and erotic fantasizing.

For her - she never had much of a libido to begin with so I guess it never became a way of life. Going dormant was unconscious.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have never felt any resentment towards my husband since we've been together (I realize this might sound crazy to some or I have to be lying...but I'm not) the closest I ever came was learning he PUSHED down his emotions & drive when he wanted more sex & he was becoming a little resentful of ME !...He didn't want to bother me..


And this...this is what happened when I tried to go dormant so to speak at some point. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't be that consistent loving husband...resentment built. But maybe that's because I have always been high libido.

---
I have run across women that were high libido for awhile...then went dormant...and back high libido. I guess my OP was really out of intellectual interest. Because I can't comprehend this dormancy. I didn't know if it was something a woman could do easier.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> has nothing to do with societal norms. We simply need to feel love and feel loved to have sex. If we resent our husband it is very hard to enjoy sex.


And I totally get this. But go dormant because of this? I could understand secret masturbating or temptations from the outside...but dormant?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I had physical hormonal issues that put me in the dormant stage. No amount of extra masturbation was going to fix it. Had nothing to do with my ego or marital resentment. Women have different body parts than men and sometimes, they go bad. 

Men will never need a hysterectomy. I did. Dormancy ended. There is no one right answer to this question.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

tbk said:


> Without stereotyping, I hear these kind of stories about women, but never from men. Is it easier for women to go dormant because maybe societal programming tells her if she doesn't really want to have sex with her husband then she needs to shut it down because she has not other options?


Part of it is societal norms yes, but in the sense that it's "ok" for a woman to be low drive, but not "ok" for a man to be. It's why only lately, in the last so many years, that more women have spoken up about being higher drive than their husbands. I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I have rarely ever heard a man admit to being low-drive. No man wants to admit it, my husband included.

There have been 2 times I had a lull in my sex drive. One was after I stopped breastfeeding my son(loved sex all through pregnancy and breastfeeding). My hormones went all crazy and I had zero interest in sex. I also felt out of control(wild mood swings) and was not myself. It was a weird period of time. The second time was when my husband was being an a-hole, so I just wasn't interested in sex. I was turned off by him and didn't want him to touch me. Being emotionally upset, sex wasn't even on my mind. 



WandaJ said:


> has nothing to do with societal norms. We simply need to feel love and feel loved to have sex. If we resent our husband it is very hard to enjoy sex.


I do think societal norms play a part, but a big part of sex for women has to do with emotions. If I don't feel loved and attached to my husband, I don't want sex as much as normal. Although it's seen as "ok" for a woman to not want sex by society, which does add into things.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I have rarely ever heard a man admit to being low-drive. No man wants to admit it, my husband included.


I definitely agree with this. When my wife told me she has never had a woman tell her that they have a high drive or higher than their husband, one of the reasons was because most wouldn't admit it...or admit their husband has a low drive. 



Anonymous07 said:


> There have been 2 times I had a lull in my sex drive. One was after I stopped breastfeeding my son(loved sex all through pregnancy and breastfeeding).


My wife had a great sex drive when she was breastfeeding. And theoretically on paper, the hormone profile during this time should mean just the opposite. My wife felt very feminine and powerful when she was engorged with milk.





Anonymous07 said:


> I do think societal norms play a part, but a big part of sex for women has to do with emotions. If I don't feel loved and attached to my husband, I don't want sex as much as normal. Although it's seen as "ok" for a woman to not want sex by society, which does add into things.


But again - wouldn't this mean you would still have a sex drive and need to take care of yourself or be tempted?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

tbk said:


> My wife had a great sex drive when she was breastfeeding. And theoretically on paper, the hormone profile during this time should mean just the opposite. My wife felt very feminine and powerful when she was engorged with milk.


I was the same way and got my period back at only 7 weeks post-partum, when the "norm" for breastfeeding mothers is typically much later(many after a year post-partum). I never lost my sex drive during pregnancy or while breastfeeding. It was only after I stopped breastfeeding that I had about 2 months of wild hormonal fluctuations and low sex drive. That was the longest lull in my sex drive I've ever had. 



tbk said:


> But again - wouldn't this mean you would still have a sex drive and need to take care of yourself or be tempted?


No. Do you want sex when you are upset with your wife? When you are in the middle of a fight, do you want sex? I don't. 

If I don't feel loved and connected, if I'm upset, than I'm not interested in having sex. The stress and bad emotions lower the sex drive. I just don't care for it when I'm upset. Sex for many women has a very big emotional aspect, so the emotions need to be there for the sex drive to be good(so long as hormones and health are good, too).


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> No. Do you want sex when you are upset with your wife? When you are in the middle of a fight, do you want sex? I don't.


My point is I don't want to have sex with my wife, but my libido remains. I end up taking care of myself more and being more vulnerable to outside women.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

peacem said:


> All sorts of things can effect libido, but psychology is the worst for me and for DH. *If I am worried about anything, sex is the first thing to go downhill. Anxiety is a terrible thing.* Also, not finding myself attractive is a big deal. I used to have difficulty having morning sex because I didn't feel attractive (how egotistical do I sound?).


For some... we have a Dependent Libido ...meaning when stressed, sex is what helps us relieve whatever is ailing us.. These are the libido types (below)....

Our differences in Libido types and Lover styles...so often there is a disconnect/ misnderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...

So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another







... one partner may crave more Positions/more spicing/ flirting/ teasing/ role play.... one may have a fetish....one may prefer the sensual "making Love"/ the other something of a more WILD Lust adventure ...One may enjoy the confident Erotic Aggressor ... another naturally more passive/ less of an initiator... some are such Pleasers by nature, they will struggle to feel "fulfilled" unless their partner is wholly satisfied. 

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> From all I have read on TAM.. I am convinced RESENTMENT is the #1 libido killer for many couples...
> 
> I have never felt any resentment towards my husband since we've been together (I realize this might sound crazy to some or I have to be lying...but I'm not) the closest I ever came was learning he PUSHED down his emotions & drive when he wanted more sex & he was becoming a little resentful of ME !...He didn't want to bother me.. for 19 yrs he had the higher sex drive.. it's not something I was thinking about or tuned into.. and he wasn't helping me understand how it hurt him...... He was NEVER a man to push ....I just think back -that he could have gotten more creative to turn up the heat, at least talked to me!...(I feel this denied us both).
> 
> ...


It looks like I am following your pattern, just few years behind. So , how long did that HD period last? lol


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Men and womens bodies are so different and homones play a part too of course. My libido stalled after I had my children (I think that is common), I never refused my husband sex but I had other things on my mind and I was tired, not feeling sexy and not comfortable with my body. Now that our children are grown, I have lost weight and it's just my husband and I, my libido has increased, menopause had no effect on that. I know some womens libido decreased because of birth control, taking anti depressants menopause. I think it's normal for a persons libido (especially a womens) to go up and down throughout their life.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you are trying to justify an affair, whether or not you realize it. I couldn't really figure out where your question came from, until you wrote that you "didn't want" to have sex with your wife and were becoming more attracted to other women. 

The underlying motivation for this thread appears to be, "Women find it easier to turn off their sex drive; I can't, so if I end up in an affair, it's because a guy like me just can't go without it!" 

You don't have to argue with me about my interpretation--I don't care if you are or or not looking for an easy way out or want revenge on your wife for some reason. You, on the other hand, should care--so consider what I've said and toss it to the curb if I'm 100% wrong. 

In the meantime, if you don't want to have sex with your wife, why are you remaining married? No one gets an award for being self-denying--and certainly not for denying one's partner one of the joys of relationships. Do the right thing and resolve those issue or get a divorce. Those are the honorable choices. 

And just in case you don't realize it--women do not "choose" to become dormant or intentionally end their own sex drive. It's something that happens for various reasons. That's why the concept of women "withholding" sex is so stupid. It's not like there are a bunch of women out there who desperately WANT sex but won't do it with their husband, just to punish him. They don't want to have sex with him in the first place, so saying no is "natural." Taking PLEASURE in denying one's partner is wrong, of course, but women aren't denying themselves a pleasure just to punish their spouse.


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> I think you are trying to justify an affair, whether or not you realize it....


I appreciate your reply. A lot of it I agree with. In my case currently, you are 100% wrong.  I have been down that road before. 

My true reason for the question was an intellectual curiosity and also one to help me empathize since I have never been in those shoes personally. 

I have also read others on here that for the most part, all this really means is that a wife is not attracted to her husband or really resents him.

But back to my point, and most of you answered it, was that I can't imagine my sex drive going dormant. I mention temptations, but it doesn't mean I am going to cheat. 

When I mention not desiring my wife, it's not to withhold. I am 43 and always had a high sex drive. When I was younger, like most men, she could turn to the side and offer a "hole" (sorry if that comes across crass) and I was ok. Through the years, I have tried to develop more emotional intimacy because I need that for sex. I guess I am atypical for a man wanting it, and her a woman for not wanting it. 

I will not reject her. At the same time, she told me if I am not in the mood to tell her so because we don't need to have it. She doesn't get horny, etc. I told her many years ago that I would never reject her. So I really don't ever say I am not in the mood, unless I am really not in the mood. 

Ironically we went as long as 10 days recently and she said she really wanted to "make love." In a cordial way, I asked her why. She just old me she misses connecting with me. That's the first time she has ever implied a need for it. 

I am really not complaining. We have sex 1-2 times a week and most of the time I get awesome oral. I have noticed giving me oral has boosted her confidence. 

I know I have rambled..


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

Another thing I want to mention. And this is something I have ruminated more than I am proud of.

Since I turned 40, I have been propositioned by women more than my whole life. In most cases, this was always in a setting of a bar. I have told my wife about these. All of these women were married, and most of them told me their libido has been "dormant" for awhile. One example had a woman tell me that she always fantasized about BDSM but in now way would want to do that with her husband. In some cases the proposition would be for me to be that guy that would help them fulfill that.

I know we all know these stories, but I guess when it happened to me a few times, it got me thinking about my wife's own dormancy, and still relatively inhibited low libido. If it is just a fact of life that many women need an affair to live out their darkest desires...so be it. It's just hard to accept.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WandaJ said:


> *It looks like I am following your pattern, just few years behind. So , how long did that HD period last? lol*


age 42...Insane drive, would have died & went to heaven for 3 times a day.. Husband could not keep up but he sure tried.. got him some viagra , even had his Testosterone tested.. 

I had to reign myself in during that.. I was too much to handle.. lasted 8 full months.. didn't need a drop of foreplay... felt my mind was hi-jacked.. hardly needed sleep... couldn't keep my hands off of him.. .

Really it landed me on this forum -trying to find some outlet to talk about these things.. I was kinda frustrated, suddenly wanted him to be more aggressive with me.. never cared before!! (one of the side effects I guess)..... Every inhibition I ever had FLEW out the window.... 

If they could "bottle" what I experienced & give it to low drive women... it would be one of these >> 

Do I sound CRAZY yet ? After this 8 month spell.. I once again needed foreplay and could CONCENTRATE on other things.. but due to that experience, I wanted to keep it going.. I often wish that happened to me in our younger yrs.. darn it. what a RUSH...

Have fun with it... Hope your husband is up for it WandaJ !


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

tbk said:


> Well...let me try to add some clarity.
> 
> I know many wives have experienced this dormant time when they had a horrible marriage. And in a couple cases I know, maybe these women masturbated once a month just to get rid of the annoying itch.
> 
> ...


For many women whose libido goes dormant - there is NO ANNOYING ITCH to get rid of. Most women don't have that itch provoking testosterone flowing through their bodies in the same way that men do. Many don't crave sex the same way that men do. For some - unless it happens to be at a certain time in their cycle - their bodies don't even notice they are missing having sex when they don't have it. For many - the brain is the biggest sex organ - and in order to get horny (notice I said "GET" horny) - the brain has to go there first. And they pretty much have to guide or sometimes even MAKE their brain go there - or else it doesn't. 

There are so many reason libidos go dormant. I suspect it happens off and on during most normal couples relationships. In a good relationship - the key is to quickly recognize its happening and figure out why it is happening, then address it by correcting whatever the cause is as soon as possible. 

The big problem of moving into long term dormancy happens because couples don't address the issues immediately. Resentments fester, wacky hormones get worse, faulty thinking becomes habit and ingrained, bad habits form, etc. Libido dormancy gets harder and harder to correct the longer it goes on from my experience.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> age 42...Insane drive, would have died & went to heaven for 3 times a day.. Husband could not keep up but he sure tried.. got him some viagra , even had his Testosterone tested..
> 
> I had to reign myself in during that.. I was too much to handle.. lasted 8 full months.. didn't need a drop of foreplay... felt my mind was hi-jacked.. hardly needed sleep... couldn't keep my hands off of him.. .
> 
> ...


Hi SA! As you already know, I had a similar experience.

This happened after almost 30 years of very little libido (for various reasons). Fortunately my HD period lasted long enough for me to figure out the benefits of a frequent fullfilling sexual relationship in a marriage, so that when the hormones tanked again, and some resentment issues resurfaced, I was willing to fight to keep what we had going. 

Now, after almost 10 years of having a good sexual relationship - my husband and I still have to be carful and work on keeping it going. Marriage is a life long project - and it takes continual effort. There are always periods of ups and downs. During the downs - we have to work extra hard on our sexual relationship - on all aspects of our relationship. I don't think anyone can afford to ever become complacent and lazy in their marriage without risking doing some damage to it! And that damage ususally shows up in the sexual relationship first - in my experience.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

As a comparison, consider women's interest in Facebook and generally what other women are doing. While I sometimes check what other people are doing, sometimes it just does not matter, I dress the way I want and do what I want. For many women, their interest in what others are doing seems 24/7.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

tbk said:


> Another thing I want to mention. And this is something I have ruminated more than I am proud of.
> 
> Since I turned 40, I have been propositioned by women more than my whole life. In most cases, this was always in a setting of a bar. I have told my wife about these. All of these women were married, and most of them told me their libido has been "dormant" for awhile. One example had a woman tell me that she always fantasized about BDSM but in now way would want to do that with her husband. In some cases the proposition would be for me to be that guy that would help them fulfill that.
> 
> I know we all know these stories, but I guess when it happened to me a few times, it got me thinking about my wife's own dormancy, and still relatively inhibited low libido. If it is just a fact of life that many women need an affair to live out their darkest desires...so be it. It's just hard to accept.


You're discussing sex/sex drive with random women at bars??

You are playing with fire and that is completely inappropriate as a married man to be doing such a thing. How disrespectful to your wife! I would be very angry/upset if my husband acted as you do, which would probably make my sex drive go dormant for him. 

I think I agree with sisters359, in that you are looking to justify an affair because you are sure headed in that direction.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

TBK, thanks for taking my post in the spirit it was meant.

I am confused, then, b/c I thought you said you didn't want to have sex with your wife. What was that about? Maybe I just misunderstood. I didn't think you meant you were "withholding," either--I thought maybe you were just really upset with her and couldn't imagine touching her, you were so angry or something. I had times when married that I still wanted sex, but was too angry with my h to approach him, so I thought maybe you meant something like that? Or is this a case of, "If she doesn't want me, it turns me off." I can understand that, too. Being turned off by one individual in no way means one's libido is completely dormant!! Just the opposite, usually, for some!


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> TBK, thanks for taking my post in the spirit it was meant.
> 
> I am confused, then, b/c I thought you said you didn't want to have sex with your wife. What was that about? Maybe I just misunderstood. I didn't think you meant you were "withholding," either--I thought maybe you were just really upset with her and couldn't imagine touching her, you were so angry or something. I had times when married that I still wanted sex, but was too angry with my h to approach him, so I thought maybe you meant something like that? Or is this a case of, "If she doesn't want me, it turns me off." I can understand that, too. Being turned off by one individual in no way means one's libido is completely dormant!! Just the opposite, usually, for some!


Probably alot of what you mention is true for me.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Yes, after the birth of each of my 3 children. I was so focused on the babies and really no interest or desire for sex. It wasn't even on my radar.


CAN I STIR UP A HORNETS NEST HERE?
Life is unfair eh when women get married and want babies anything is possible then the libido slide And hubby thinks what did I do wrong 
The answer is nothing just grin and bear it


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Part of it is societal norms yes, but in the sense that it's "ok" for a woman to be low drive, but not "ok" for a man to be. It's why only lately, in the last so many years, that more women have spoken up about being higher drive than their husbands. I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I have rarely ever heard a man admit to being low-drive. No man wants to admit it, my husband included.
> 
> There have been 2 times I had a lull in my sex drive. One was after I stopped breastfeeding my son(loved sex all through pregnancy and breastfeeding). My hormones went all crazy and I had zero interest in sex. I also felt out of control(wild mood swings) and was not myself. It was a weird period of time. The second time was when my husband was being an a-hole, so I just wasn't interested in sex. I was turned off by him and didn't want him to touch me. Being emotionally upset, sex wasn't even on my mind.
> 
> ...


I was going to post something similar, but you did it so much better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mary35 said:


> Hi SA! As you already know, I had a similar experience.
> 
> *This happened after almost 30 years of very little libido (for various reasons). Fortunately my HD period lasted long enough for me to figure out the benefits of a frequent fullfilling sexual relationship in a marriage, so that when the hormones tanked again, and some resentment issues resurfaced, I was willing to fight to keep what we had going. *
> 
> Now, after almost 10 years of having a good sexual relationship - my husband and I still have to be carful and work on keeping it going. Marriage is a life long project - and it takes continual effort. There are always periods of ups and downs. During the downs - we have to work extra hard on our sexual relationship - on all aspects of our relationship. I don't think anyone can afford to ever become complacent and lazy in their marriage without risking doing some damage to it! And that damage ususally shows up in the sexual relationship first - in my experience.


Had to do a double take when I seen your name Mary35!! What a welcome surprise.. Yes.. we found each other early on here at TAM ...I was embarrassed about posting the intensity I was feeling.. it was one of your threads that helped me come a little more out in the open with it.. 

So true all you said here.. Funny as myself & H has had MORE near resentments, arguments / fights over sex than any other issue in our marriage.. but strangely at the same time...... we'd both say we cherish the Sex more than anything else..


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> You're discussing sex/sex drive with random women at bars??
> 
> You are playing with fire and that is completely inappropriate as a married man to be doing such a thing. How disrespectful to your wife! I would be very angry/upset if my husband acted as you do, which would probably make my sex drive go dormant for him.
> 
> I think I agree with sisters359, in that you are looking to justify an affair because you are sure headed in that direction.


I agree. It was highly inappropriate. I am still not trying to have an affair. My wife knows about the incidents and knows the women that did it. I played a passive role in these propositions, but it doesn't mean I couldn't have just walked away.

It was during a period when she showed little respect for me for no reason. 

Any way, I threw those facts in there but I have realized it has pushed this thread off the track. My purpose was not to bring my personal past into this.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My own hypothesis has always been that women loose attraction to the man who has fathered their child b/c it is more successful--in an evolutionary sense--to have children fathered by different men. Serial monogamy--a common practice among pre-civilized groups--would be evidence to sustain this theory. 

Just a theory folks; no reason to get up in a huff about it!


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> My own hypothesis has always been that women loose attraction to the man who has fathered their child b/c it is more successful--in an evolutionary sense--to have children fathered by different men. Serial monogamy--a common practice among pre-civilized groups--would be evidence to sustain this theory.
> 
> Just a theory folks; no reason to get up in a huff about it!


I agree. I think the wives that dont experience this are either high libido, or have learned how to reframe sex with their husbands as not the typical lust....more of a shared erotic experience.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tbk said:


> I agree. I think the wives that dont experience this are either high libido, or have learned how to reframe sex with their husbands as not the typical lust....more of a shared erotic experience.


So much of this has to do with how our husbands treat us ..and how we feel about sex...it's meaning to us ...there was a thread here not long ago entitled http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/251513-trust-lust.html ....another one with the same question..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/203946-does-trust-equal-lust-ladies.html

Reading those answers.. not everyone felt the same... for me.. sex = Love .. would I want to go without love in my marriage.. I couldn't ...I'd feel like I was drowning emotionally even.. as well as physically tension tied. 

So much of this is the emotional bonding we feel ...there has always / every encounter with my H... been an "after glow" lying in his arms......it is comfort as well as the highest pleasure we can experience...riding those waves together...how do you not want to come back to that, it's craved and needed even.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> My own hypothesis has always been that women loose attraction to the man who has fathered their child b/c it is more successful--in an evolutionary sense--to have children fathered by different men. Serial monogamy--a common practice among pre-civilized groups--would be evidence to sustain this theory.
> 
> Just a theory folks; no reason to get up in a huff about it!


Maybe the same reason men have ETAs ?


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## tbk (Apr 22, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So much of this has to do with how our husbands treat us ..


And I get what everyone is saying about this. But is the libido shutdown for most women in this case...or just shutdown for their husband?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

tbk said:


> And I get what everyone is saying about this. But is the libido shutdown for most women in this case...or just shutdown for their husband?


Shut down in general. 

For many women, sex is about an emotional connection. That view of sex means women want to have sex with their husband to connect with them. She is not looking to sleep with just anyone and get an O, but to feel bonded to her spouse. 

The times I've been really angry at my husband, I don't care for sex. Sure it could feel good if I helped myself, but something was still missing. The missing part was the emotions, the bond, the connection to my husband I craved. 

The biological differences between men and women also have an effect on this. Women looking for a stable mate, which is also why babies look like the dad for at least the first few months to keep him around, and men looking to "spread their seed" in the hope of offspring. 

**I'm sleep deprived, hope that made sense.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

tbk said:


> And I get what everyone is saying about this. But is the libido shutdown for most women in this case...or just shutdown for their husband?


YES because of the emotion needed for the connection BUT!!!!!!
I'd like to ask the women a question here do you get the emotion you crave from your man during and after sex , as a man I can honestly say that sex makes me more emotionally connected than a rebuff and I used to like to spoil my W when things were good breakfast in bed ,massage,cooked dinners & gifts 
Does a woman plan ahead or is the emotion she feels at that moment the thing that decides which way she goes?
Honestly they say men and women are different but we all have feelings and emotions that are triggered by what someone does to us if someone hurts us we withdraw if someone treats us special we enjoy whether we are male or female we need the touch and connection of someone who CARES


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

T&T said:


> My libido went dormant when our marriage was tanked. Getting rejected 90% of the time. I stopped making advances, period.
> 
> It was self preservation and didn't turn to porn or an affair. I turned it off unconsciously, I suppose.


This was pretty much what happened to me... my marriage started falling apart even before it started, and that affected how much I wanted to have sex with my (now ex-)husband. It turns out he was very low-drive, and he had very little interest in sex at all. It was very disconcerting to me, because I have always been high drive.

For me, the ONLY thing that got me through was porn and toys  The ONLY thing. I could have pursued an affair--there were certainly interested parties--but that's something I would never do.



mary35 said:


> For many women whose libido goes dormant - there is NO ANNOYING ITCH to get rid of. Most women don't have that itch provoking testosterone flowing through their bodies in the same way that men do. Many don't crave sex the same way that men do. For some - unless it happens to be at a certain time in their cycle - their bodies don't even notice they are missing having sex when they don't have it. For many - the brain is the biggest sex organ - and in order to get horny (notice I said "GET" horny) - the brain has to go there first. And they pretty much have to guide or sometimes even MAKE their brain go there - or else it doesn't.
> 
> There are so many reason libidos go dormant. I suspect it happens off and on during most normal couples relationships. In a good relationship - the key is to quickly recognize its happening and figure out why it is happening, then address it by correcting whatever the cause is as soon as possible.
> 
> The big problem of moving into long term dormancy happens because couples don't address the issues immediately. Resentments fester, wacky hormones get worse, faulty thinking becomes habit and ingrained, bad habits form, etc. Libido dormancy gets harder and harder to correct the longer it goes on from my experience.


The less my XH and I had sex, the less I missed it, but that itch never went away... and I didn't want him to touch me. It felt icky. I still wanted sex, but I didn't want my XH by the end. I'm not sure that can qualify as dormancy, though my XH would probably classify it as such, because he would complain that I never initiated with him (which I stopped because I got tired of being rejected by him, when I still WANTED to have sex with him).

But it was definitely ALL about my brain... I couldn't get there with him anymore because of all the other garbage between us. If our relationship had been better/healthy, then our sex life wouldn't have fallen apart.

So, OK... I've realized that my response probably hasn't helped the OP at all, but I've typed up the whole thing, so I'm going to post it anyway


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

marriedandlonely said:


> YES because of the emotion needed for the connection BUT!!!!!!
> I'd like to ask the women a question here do you get the emotion you crave from your man during and after sex , as a man I can honestly say that sex makes me more emotionally connected than a rebuff and I used to like to spoil my W when things were good breakfast in bed ,massage,cooked dinners & gifts
> Does a woman plan ahead or is the emotion she feels at that moment the thing that decides which way she goes?
> Honestly they say men and women are different but we all have feelings and emotions that are triggered by what someone does to us if someone hurts us we withdraw if someone treats us special we enjoy whether we are male or female we need the touch and connection of someone who CARES


I'm not sure if this is what you're asking... but most women (myself included) need to feel a consistent emotional connection from their partner to want sex. I've heard it said that if a man wants sex in the evening, he should start wooing his partner/meeting her needs beginning first thing in the morning, and keep it up all day, so she's turned on by the evening.

Personally, is my partner is consistently meeting my emotional needs, then I want sex all the time. Literally. :smthumbup:


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## Cristina (Mar 28, 2015)

It never works same for every man and woman, different things can be cause of dormant mode for different people. I don't think there is a general rule in this matter.


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