# You can't turn it on and off like a light a switch



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

My ex had a setback yesterday. She told her sister that she was having "those", thoughts. By "those" she meant suicidal. She was admitted to hospital again, yesterday afternoon.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Her sister is gonna have to help her with that. I think she still may be unintentionally doing this to reel you back in.

All I know is its not your problem.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Awww, I'm so sorry, BB, I know that you loved your ex-wife very much and that you take no comfort in knowing that she is so broken. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

You know, it actually isn't my problem, any more, but it is very hard not to worry or be stressed by this. I've known her half my life, there isn't an ignore button in real life. My former SIL called me, not because my ex was fishing for renewed contact, but because she (SIL) knew I would want to know. I can't fix this, no matter how much I want to. What do I do? I'm the "go-to", guy and I'm not able to do a damn thing.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

well when she cheated she should have realized it was not your problem anymore. At this point I'd just send a get well card if you feel bad and move on. You have a life to live and a marriage to get over.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Badblood said:


> You know, it actually isn't my problem, any more, but it is very hard not to worry or be stressed by this. I've known her half my life, there isn't an ignore button in real life. My former SIL called me, not because my ex was fishing for renewed contact, but because she (SIL) knew I would want to know. I can't fix this, no matter how much I want to. What do I do? I'm the "go-to", guy and I'm not able to do a damn thing.


Well, BB, you do or don't do whatever it is that your heart tells you to do. Do what makes YOU feel okay.You, obviously, don't owe her anything. So, what do you think would be in your best interest? Do you remember the thread started by JValley? His ex-wife was dying of cancer and he hadn't seen her since the divorce some years ago? Several TAM posters basically said "Screw her, she's your ex-wife, she left you for another man." But, he knew that it wasn't that simple. He went because it is what HE wanted to do. He visited her and she died within a couple of days. I think everyone reading his story knew that he had made the right decision for himself. That is what you need to do. It might be something as simple as asking your former S-I-L to keep you updated on your ex-wife's condition, or just telling your S-I-L that you wish your ex well. Doing something as drastic as visiting her, at this point, probably wouldn't be in either one of your best interests. But, if you choose to, then by all means go! You'll make the right choice.
BTW..... it's obvious that you still care about her very much!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

This is what I've explained to my GF, I care about her like I care about a close family member, but definitely NOT like a love interest. I feel bad that she is having troubles, but any personal contact is out of the question.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> This is what I've explained to my GF, I care about her like I care about a close family member, but definitely NOT like a love interest. I feel bad that she is having troubles, but any personal contact is out of the question.


Good for you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Badblood said:


> This is what I've explained to my GF, I care about her like I care about a close family member, but definitely NOT like a love interest. I feel bad that she is having troubles, but any personal contact is out of the question.


that's good because I wouldn't put up with a man running back to his ex for any reason. (Making arrangements for the children is not part of running back to ex)


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There was a thread earlier titled 'ex-wife is critically ill.....'

I suggest you read it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I had an uncle who had an affair. The OW kept taking pills cutting herself threating kill herself and ended up leaving his wife for the AP. It was a big mistake she used that same BS for the next 20 years to pull his strings


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

BB, I feel like them contacting you is inappropriate. Not on your part- but they shouldn't be troubling you with this. She's no longer your responsibility... and I hate to say it... or your concern.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Badblood said:


> You know, it actually isn't my problem, any more, but it is very hard not to worry or be stressed by this. I've known her half my life, there isn't an ignore button in real life. My former SIL called me, not because my ex was fishing for renewed contact, but because she (SIL) knew I would want to know. I can't fix this, no matter how much I want to. What do I do? I'm the "go-to", guy and I'm not able to do a damn thing.


Badblood~
I believe I need to make a suggestion to you. Previously you were the "go-to" guy, and you and the ex were divorced but had a HUGE umbilical cord connecting you. Now she and SIL are thinking of moving to CA, and you have taken strides to remove that connecting cord, but by SIL calling you "because you'd like to know" it keeps the cord going. 

Remember I tell you this because I care:

*YOU NEED TO COMPLETELY SEVER THAT CORD. Completely*. 

Just to remind you, my exH was Bipolar 1, rapid cycling. I say "was" because even though I sincerely believe that some of the things that caused the divorce were related to his mental illness...once we divorced, his mania and depression were no longer my responsibility. When he is manic and makes poor choices, he does not call me. When he is depressed and can not get out of bed, he does not call me. And I am not a heartless person--I care about his well-being and wish him well! But for my mental health, once we divorced, I had to let him go and it fell on him, his family, or the people he chose as lovers to take of him and worry about him and care for him. 

Your role as the "go-to" guy for her has ended. Divorce means that your enlistment is OVER and it has not been renewed! So I would very strongly recommend that you ask SIL to please STOP calling you about your ex's mental health status. Do you care? Yes of course! But you...as the caring human being that you are...need some time FOR YOU to have that cord cut and FOR YOU to get to a place where you might hear news about her and have the concern one has for a fellow-human-being and yet not have the concern that makes you want to "jump in and fix it." That is NOT where your responsibilities lie anymore. 

So ask her to stop calling you for at least a year. In one year's time, if you and whomever you are with at that time want to revisit and see if you're ready...you can re-evaluate at that time.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Badblood~
> I believe I need to make a suggestion to you. Previously you were the "go-to" guy, and you and the ex were divorced but had a HUGE umbilical cord connecting you. Now she and SIL are thinking of moving to CA, and you have taken strides to remove that connecting cord, but by SIL calling you "because you'd like to know" it keeps the cord going.
> 
> Remember I tell you this because I care:
> ...


AC, I KNOW that this is a huge problem for me. It's as much an ego thing as it is anything else. I have never had such a problem before that I couldn't fix. I'm a Black Marine Officer, for ****sake, I can do anything.!!!! Thank God my Gf understands that I have NO romantic feelings for my ex,at all. BTW she has been a ROCK for me, during this situation. It has made me cherish her more every day. I actually do have an agreement with my ex-sil that she only calls me if the problem is life-threatening, which she feels that suicidal thoughts fall into that category. BTW, I am not going to respond, either.


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