# Military Marriage Issue



## Arboghast

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## EleGirl

Explain about the mental degradation.

How old is your husband?

Do you have student loans from getting your degree? Or did he pay for everything? I'm trying to figure out why you feel guilty about leaving at this time.

If you two cannot stand each other, then divorce is the best thing you can do... for both of you. So why would you feel guilty about doing something that is better for him too?


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## Cromer

You got what you needed from him and now you want to move on. Good job. It happens to a lot of young military men, you know... women who want to take advantage of all the benefits but not endure the sacrifice. I was that guy but in a more drastic way. I wished she'd had the strength to dump me years ago and spared all of the pain before screwing other guys. Just cut the cord and move on, both of you will have better lives in the long term. You got what you wanted/needed, he had no clue, and now you've got the start to your life that you otherwise never would've had if not for him. Go for it. You clearly don't want to work to make your marriage work and took him for what he was worth. If I'm wrong, my apologies. But I've seen this so much during my military years...


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## Blaine

Is counseling any kind of option? If it doesnt work then u can say you gave it ur best.


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## Arboghast

Cromer said:


> You got what you needed from him and now you want to move on. Good job. It happens to a lot of young military men, you know... women who want to take advantage of all the benefits but not endure the sacrifice. I was that guy but in a more drastic way. I wished she'd had the strength to dump me years ago and spared all of the pain before screwing other guys. Just cut the cord and move on, both of you will have better lives in the long term. You got what you wanted/needed, he had no clue, and now you've got the start to your life that you otherwise never would've had if not for him. Go for it. You clearly don't want to work to make your marriage work and took him for what he was worth. If I'm wrong, my apologies. But I've seen this so much during my military years...


What benefits are you referring to? I took out college loans all in my name and had money saved prior to me leaving my job the last 2 years of college- all of which I had in our shared bank account. The reason he wanted to get married in the first place was because he knew he would get BAH payments resulting in a much higher paycheck since he could not get that as a single man and I went along because I loved him and wanted to be with him. You mentioned that you had gone through a bad situation, but there were a hell of a lot of negative things done to me by my spouse (cheating, etc) that I never deserved and I'm here looking for healthy advice, not posts like this, but I'm glad you said something because I know that this is what I'm going to be dealing with in the eyes of the public.


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## Thor

What do you feel guilty about? From what you've written it seems to me your thinking is defective. I mean that in a nice way not insulting. If he's cheated on you then you have every right to choose to leave the marriage.

You are both young and have little time invested in this marriage. No kids. Now is the time to get out if you aren't deliriously happy with each other. You will be doing him a favor, too, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.


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## Arboghast

EleGirl said:


> Explain about the mental degradation.
> 
> How old is your husband?
> 
> Do you have student loans from getting your degree? Or did he pay for everything? I'm trying to figure out why you feel guilty about leaving at this time.
> 
> If you two cannot stand each other, then divorce is the best thing you can do... for both of you. So why would you feel guilty about doing something that is better for him too?


All loans were taken out in my name and his name is nowhere attached.. I guess I feel guilty because it looks like im just dipping out as soon as I get my life really going. He is not liked by my family as they do not like how he talks to/treats me and restricts me from doing a lot of things. He is 30 years old. I suppose a lot of women go through similar situations. I just wanted to get this off my chest.


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## EleGirl

Brianawpc said:


> All loans were taken out in my name and his name is nowhere attached.. I guess I feel guilty because it looks like im just dipping out as soon as I get my life really going. He is not liked by my family as they do not like how he talks to/treats me and restricts me from doing a lot of things. He is 30 years old. I suppose a lot of women go through similar situations. I just wanted to get this off my chest.


From what you have said, you owe him nothing. You did not use him in any way. If anything it was the other way around.

Some people have this concept that people who are in the military are owed some special something. Barney. There are good people in the military and there are bad just like everywhere. My dad was career Army. I'm a vet too. So are many others in my family. We are just people. Him being in the military does not mean that you, or anyone, owes him anything special.

Forget about perception and what other people think. Those people who care about your will understand. There will always be those people who will make up negative stories in their heads about your and your life. They are not your friends. So you should not care what they think.

Do what is best for yourself. Staying with an abusive, cheating man is not best for you.

You said that it seems that now that he's around a lot, you cannot deal with him. Well.... not many people could dealing with a cheating, lying, abusive spouse. So why should you?

I wish you all the luck in your new life without him. :smile2:


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## EleGirl

By the way, by law student loans are only payable by the person who took them out. So he has no obligation to pay your student loans. He cannot be assigned any portion of them. So, another thing that makes the point that you did not take advantage of him.

How were/are your bills paid? Did you two split them equally? Or did one of you pay a larger percentage of the bills?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Brianawpc said:


> All loans were taken out in my name and his name is nowhere attached.. I guess I feel guilty because it looks like im just dipping out as soon as I get my life really going. *He is not liked by my family as they do not like how he talks to/treats me* and restricts me from doing a lot of things. He is 30 years old. I suppose a lot of women go through similar situations. I just wanted to get this off my chest.


Is this just a perception on your family's part or does he actually speak badly to you and treat you poorly. If the latter, then it's no wonder you are not happy in the relationship. You are an adult, so he can't restrict you from doing anything. And what exactly is he trying to restrict you from? In fact, _if he cheated, how the hell does he justify putting restriction on you!?!?! 
_

Hard to imagine staying with someone who treats you so. And as long as he stays in the military, you know more deployments will be coming. I can't imagine approaching a long term separation with a partner I couldn't trust. Like it or not, deployments are hotbeds of opportunities for infidelity. 

I agree 1000% with @EleGirl:
1. That he is in the military has no bearing whatsoever on this situation. I say this as a 21 year vet myself. Serving your country is not a pass to cheat or mistreat a spouse. There is no connection whatsoever and anybody who says so is flat wrong... and doesn't deserve to wear the uniform. 
2. What other people may think is utterly irrelevant here. You take care of you. Period. As long as you know you are doing the right thing, that's all that matters.


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## farsidejunky

Easy, @Cromer. She is not your ex wife. 

What are your husband's actual redeeming qualities?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Cromer

Brianawpc said:


> What benefits are you referring to?


Basic pay, Sea Pay, Family Separation Allowance, free health care, BAS, BAH or Base Housing, COLA, Commissary, PX, complete freedom when he's deployed with all of the support services available, etc. If you had to support yourself and get your education things would have been much harder, no doubt. Marrying a military man is hitting the lottery for young women.

Your original post was about the perception of divorcing after getting your bennies from the relationship because you don't get along. There was nothing else about it said. So yes, it came across that you married him, consumed him, now you want to move on and it is all too common for naive young military men to experience.

If you're done, move on...perceptions be damned. If you're feeling guilty about it there's a reason, and I've seen it so much that I know there is so, so much more to this story.

Yes, there is.


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## Mr.Married

Your still young and you did the work to make yourself a productive person. You have complete rights to what you worked for.
Your relationship has red flags completely outside of your guilt factor.


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## BigToe

Brianawpc said:


> ...but there were a hell of a lot of negative things done to me by my spouse (cheating, etc) that I never deserved and I'm here looking for healthy advice, not posts like this, but I'm glad you said something because I know that this is what I'm going to be dealing with in the eyes of the public.


To be fair, you never mentioned cheating or "etc" in your original post so don't get too upset with CROMER over what he said. He does raise some valid points in my opinion. For example, minimally you were able to quit your work to seek your degree full time because of your husband's salary and benefits.

Your school loans may be in your name only which won't encumber your husband in the event of divorce, but I see that as a bit of rationalization. The fact is you incurred loans and financial burden to secure a degree for a better job that impacts him via increased debt if the marriage stayed intact. Even if you look at it as your debt the fact is the debt reduces available household income, which impacts him. Your husband either agreed to this, or put up with it over his objections. Which was it? Did you use the promise of increased household income via a better job, with him, as reasoning for pursuing your degree?

Regarding cheating, what was your resolution and agreement regarding his infidelity? Have you ever cheated on him? Any texting with someone else that you wouldn't want him to see? You mention being subjected to mental degradation...what has he done? How much of your marriage was he deployed vs not deployed?

I find myself agreeing with CROMER that you are feeling guilty for reasons that are more than because of the timing of finishing your degree, alone. The cheating and mental degradation alone are valid reasons for divorce especially for a young woman of your age, so the fact that you feel guilty leaving him indicates to me that there's much more to the story.


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## personofinterest

OP, if you took financial responsibility for your education, he cheated, treats you badly, and now you want to leave....then do so.

There is no reason to feel guilty, and just because people have a chip on their shoulders from the past doesn't mean YOU did anything wrong.

Yes, there will always be jacklegs who think the woman is always wrong or always cheated or other such tripe.

From ALL the information presented here, it sounds like your husband cheated, is possibly controlling and unkind, and you have taken nothing of "his" to pursue your education.

Make your choices based on facts, not feelings that may be misplaced or other people's emotional issues.


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## Arboghast

Cromer said:


> Basic pay, Sea Pay, Family Separation Allowance, free health care, BAS, BAH or Base Housing, COLA, Commissary, PX, complete freedom when he's deployed with all of the support services available, etc. If you had to support yourself and get your education things would have been much harder, no doubt. Marrying a military man is hitting the lottery for young women.
> 
> Your original post was about the perception of divorcing after getting your bennies from the relationship because you don't get along. There was nothing else about it said. So yes, it came across that you married him, consumed him, now you want to move on and it is all too common for naive young military men to experience.
> 
> If you're done, move on...perceptions be damned. If you're feeling guilty about it there's a reason, and I've seen it so much that I know there is so, so much more to this story.
> 
> Yes, there is.


As previously mentioned, I'm feeling guilty about the timing. You need to stop assuming that women breaking off a military relationship is always at fault. I understand that I am not willing to go into detail about everything he has done so it may be perceived incorrectly but I did not benefit off of this man whatsoever because if it were not for him, my life would have still ended up exactly as it is now. The reason I'm so hesitant is due to views from those who are so close minded to military relationships that think military members can do no wrong. I'm learning to suck it up and not care for the opinions of others.


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## Arboghast

farsidejunky said:


> Easy, @Cromer. She is not your ex wife.
> 
> What are your husband's actual redeeming qualities?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


I have asked myself this question so many times. When we were first together, we seemed like the perfect fit for each other. There were so many good things I could say. But now, I can say there are none. I've attempted marriage counseling but he will not go. I thought that if he heard a counselor tell him that he acts irrationally than maybe something would click but I can't get him to go. Ugh  Time for me to suck it up and accept that I need to leave.


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## EleGirl

Yep, it's time for you to accept that what you see now is who he really is. And if you cannot live with that, it's time to leave.


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