# Worried about wife's male friend



## Morpheus101 (Mar 10, 2011)

For the sake of privacy, I've decided to replace my wife's name with a fictional name (Jane) and her friends' name (John):

When I met Jane, she had this male friend. For the sake of this post, I'll refer to him as "John", even though that's not his name. John is a musician - a guitarist for a relatively well known band in the local scene here in Miami. From day one, John has always been a bit of a thorn in my side. Jane has always referred to him as a "little brother" and has always insisted that her friendship with John was purely platonic. I trust Jane, but I don't trust John - a guy who has a history of leeching off various women and cheating left, right and center. I always felt uncomfortable about John, partly because of my own insecurities and because he happened to be a guitarist, playing music that Jane was into (she'd always go to his shows before she met me). I let it go though, because up until fairly recently, John disappeared....

........until John reappeared on Facebook. I cannot recall who added who - whether Jane was looking for John, or vice-versa. Either way, the thorn in my side is back, with a vengeance. He called Jane last week and they spoke for over an hour (Jane did tell me). It seems that he poured his heart out and told Jane his sob story about some girl he was living with who ****ed him over and almost got him arrested. I found this all quite difficult to digest when Jane told me, so I tried to dodge the issue and I said very little (this almost caused an argument). Ever since then, she has mentioned John a few times and has suggested that we all "hang out" at our place and how John has grown up and changed, because of his bad experience (he nearly killed himself, apparently, as if I give a rat's ass). Now I find out that John has got Jane into World Of Warcraft. The distrust and the insecurities are now back. I am not sure if they're emailing one another, or doing it over Facebook. What set me off is that she clicked "like" on a picture of him, where he had no shirt on. I promptly deleted his ass from my own Facebook account as it was sickening to me.

Oh, needless to say that I just so happened to look John up on the internet. He wasn't just arrested because his former girlfriend stole; he was arrested for DRIVING WITH A SUSPENDED LICENSE! I found this out today and I am itching to tell Jane, but I really can't, as it would make my intentions towards John look malicious (which they most likely are, let's be 100% honest here).

So on the one hand, I so badly want to tell Jane to knock it off and stop talking to John, but on the other hand, I acknowledge that she has few friends and I really don't want to hurt her feelings, or come across as that *******, controlling husband that I really don't want to be. But do I go on letting this fester inside me, buring me up and causing me to question just about everything? It's not that I mind Jane having male friends, it's just that it depends on the friend and it depends how much I trust them (or how much I don't trust them). It also doesn't help that this guy is 1) single and 2) a musician and 3) that they have a bit of a history, even if only platonic. He has already crossed the boundary by confiding in Jane - a married woman. That in itself angers me greatly. I just don't want to be the ******* and I don't want to be controlling in any way. Then again, if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd be the first to tell me to ditch the friend, just as she did when I had a platonic female friend on Facebook that I seldom talked to.

Answers on a ****ing postcard. Personally, I want to shove my boot so far up John's ass that I'd kick his teeth out. It's not that it's cheating, or anything that extreme. I just want it to stop, somehow. Should I tell her that despite what John's ex did to John, she clearly didn't force him to drive with a suspended license? Trust me, this information was so easy to find, just by a simple Google search.

Am I being paranoid, or is there cause for concern?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Morpheus101 said:


> Am I being paranoid, or is there cause for concern?


I have had a male friend for over 30 years. It has always been strictly platonic; I feel as though he is like a brother. And I'm also friends with his wife. So, with that in mind I'll try to give you an objective opinion.

There appears to be reason for concern. Do you have access to all communication between the two of them? While you may trust your wife, John doesn't sound like the most sincere character. After all, you have caught him in a lie. Who knows what his intentions are.




Morpheus101 said:


> What set me off is that she clicked "like" on a picture of him, where he had no shirt on.


That's inappropriate for a married woman. I couldn't even imagine going there with my male friend. 




Morpheus101 said:


> Then again, if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd be the first to tell me to ditch the friend, just as she did when I had a platonic female friend on Facebook that I seldom talked to.


That's a problem. It's okay for her but not you. Perhaps you should ask your wife why each of you have different rules which you must abide by.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that you should seriously, but politely sit jane down and tell her exactly how you feel, what you found out, and how it makes you feel that she has a male friend who is a horndog and you're not comfortable with it. Remind her that you dropped your female friend at her request and never looked back (if that's what did happen).
Tell her that you would rather her not communicate in any way with John and if she continues, it will cause problems. Then leave the decision with her.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Tell her calmly that you are not comfortable with their relationship and that you feel disrespected. Tell her you want the commuication to be off and if she respects you and care about your feelings and marriage it should not be difficult to cut off the relationship. You wont be seen as controlling husband but you are a man enought to epress and want your need and feelings to be respected! No matter how she will repond to you that you are insecure, controlling freak never back off stand on your grounds and be happy by being fullfilled your feelings as you fullfill her's! Remenber to talk to her calmly but firm. Be cool.

If you let this relationship continue for long time, I promise you you will come later telling a story of your wife Jane cheating with John!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If facebook is the #1 marriage breaker

World of Warcraft is the #2 marriage breaker

If you get the wrong vibe from this guy, drop the hammer. We men need to start trusting our instincts a little more.


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## Morpheus101 (Mar 10, 2011)

sinnister said:


> If facebook is the #1 marriage breaker
> 
> World of Warcraft is the #2 marriage breaker
> 
> If you get the wrong vibe from this guy, drop the hammer. We men need to start trusting our instincts a little more.


I wanna drop the hammer so bad. This guy is a stain on the earth. He has quite a history and is a popular local rock musician. 

I think I'm just going to deal with this the old fashioned way. 1) kick his ass, 2) divorce. I'm tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I care about my Fiances comfort level. He has trust in me, and that includes me not hurting him, or being emotionally involved with someone else.

Tell her you trust her, you trust her to put your feelings first and you feel she is not in this instance. It is reasonable for her to distance her self from him. 

She is investing time with him and energy that looks like it would be better spent on your relationship. 

As for the liking his picture on face book, that is so far from OK, it would upset me greatly if my fiance ever did this, and i would never do that to him.

Being a good wife or husband is recognising when things are going to far in the wrong direction and walking away.

In all I think her behaviour is very worrisome. You have a right to put some boundaries up concerning the friendship, personally I would ask for her to sever the friendship.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Morpheus101 said:


> I wanna drop the hammer so bad. This guy is a stain on the earth. He has quite a history and is a popular local rock musician.
> 
> I think I'm just going to deal with this the old fashioned way. 1) kick his **** ass, 2) divorce. I'm tired.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know you are understandably angry but using racial slurs doesn't help, it doesn't matter what race this guy is.


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## blackalice82 (Mar 11, 2011)

I think that you should seriously, but politely sit jane down and tell her exactly how you feel, what you found out, and how it makes you feel that she has a male friend who is a horndog and you're not comfortable with it.


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

Wow, you have gone so far as to throw divorce into the conversation? I don't mean to be rude but it seems like you might be overkilling the situation. I mean yes it was a bit inappropriate for her to like his picture and yes maybe she might be a bit emotionally involved but that doesnt mean anything. Its easy to get emotionally involved with somebody, especially if there are a) problems in the relationship or b) the relationship has gotten to repetitive stage.
Yes you have the right to sit down and talk to her but asking or demanding her to give up a friend or threatening her with divorce is harsh and bound to make her upset with u and confide in him. Just talk to her calmly, ler her know your feelings. Say that you would feel better if she would cut back talking to him at least and if she feels comfortable with it then youd appreciate her cutting off connections period. Tell her you thing she might be a tad emotionally involved with him and try and let her see where you are coming from, and if she doesnt cut it off then see if she will compromise by letting you see the conversations they have when they happen and by any other means that you are comfortable with. Marriage is about working together to defeat a problem, not working with the problem to defeat each other. If you are so quick to jump into a divorce then maybe you dont love her as much as you thought u did...


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Calmly tell your wife that she is disrespecting your marriage with this behavior. Tell her she must inform her friend that she is to completely and permanently break contact with him.

This IS completely inappropriate behavior.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Apply the pressure. 

Stand up for yourself. John or me. You pick. And No you cannot have both. 

No More Mr Nice Guy!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't apply logic or try to convince her that he's a jerk.
Just tell her that you don't feel it's an appropriate friendship. To avoid being controlling, you offer her a choice... This friendship or her marriage. Make sure she is free to decide.


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