# Emotional Affair ?



## MrsAnonymity (Sep 30, 2011)

I am 30 and my husband is 39. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6, no children. 

This is kind of a two-parter thread so please bear with me (and I will probably ramble). 

Firstly, my husband has a low sex drive (or he could be having an affair, I don’t think so but I won’t rule it out entirely). One of his ex-girlfriends back in his college days left him because of his lack of sex drive. To me that always seemed crazy as we had sex at least 2 times a week and that was ample (and I told him as much). I was satisfied and happy in our relationship for 5 years. Then this last year our sex life disappeared and he just stopped touching me, no idea why (no shift in jobs, no weight gain, and relationship dynamic is as it always was). 

I tried to initiate but he says it turns him off, I used to try to do things to let him know I was interested (blunt things like when he gets home from work I would be wearing lingerie or completely nude with candles lit). Nothing worked. Then I tried talking to him about it. I have talked him to death on this subject, to the point he does not want to talk about it anymore. He says there is nothing wrong with him medically or emotionally, that he just does not have a high sex drive and I need to let it go. So for two months I did, no initiation or signals or pressure and he came around, sort of. 9 months ago he initiated and we started making love and he suffered ED, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and we could just cuddle, at which point he got very angry and aggressive and what happened did not feel like love at all. It felt like rage sex, and it left me feeling hurt (both physically and emotionally) and guilty.

Since the rage sex he has been disconnected from me. He moves away when I try to cuddle him or kiss him or hug him. When I try to be close to him at all he pushes me away, unless we are in the company of his family at which point he is highly affectionate. But as soon as they aren’t looking or we are alone its like someone flips a switch and he’s once again refusing to be intimate with me. He still talks to me and we discuss things and talk the way I might talk with a friend, but nothing more. He doesn’t respond to me telling him “I love you”. 

I have friends I talk to online, some more than others, and one in particular who I confide in quite a bit. We’ll call him M. I met him about 6 months ago (online). He is married, 2 kids (both teenagers), and a few weeks ago I realized that I’ve developed feelings for him, maybe just a crush, but it’s there; I did not (and have not) said anything to him about this. I didn’t expect it to happen, it just sort of did. We talk about all kinds of things from personal to just nothing at all, and we could talk (and have talked) for hours on the phone. I’ve never met M in person, just Skype video chat, typing, email and phone calls. 

A few nights ago while we were discussing his triumph with a recipe I gave him (he rarely cooks and wanted to give it a whirl) he blurted out that he has feelings for me. I hung up on him and he called me back, he told me he has felt this way for a while now and that he isn’t sorry for his feelings. I feel bad though. I like him, a lot, and I realize now that I was having an emotional affair, but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to hurt my husband, I love him very much, but I don’t feel like he loves me anymore. He won’t talk about it and I feel very cut off from him. I miss being touched. I miss being told that I’m loved. I miss all of it. 

This is such a sh!t situation. I hate it. I know I’m a bad person for this. M is married, and so am I, and he has a family. Logically I know I need to cut contact with him entirely, but I don’t want to because I am so incredibly selfish.

I just needed to vent. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. But, you likely already know what I'm going to say, because you already gave yourself the best advice. 

Cut off contact immediately with the other man. Concentrate on your husband and your marriage and trying to discover what is going on with your husband.

How does your husband know that it is not a medical problem? Has he been to the doctor and been checked? Does he have low testosterone? If he has ED, has he been checked out? Ever tried the little blue pill to get over a perfomance anxiety hump?

Did you ever try more subtle things when you tried to initiate? Flirting or seduction - no pressure on him?

Have you checked how he is spending his time? You sure he's not chatting with someone and having his own EA?

Here's a list of possibilities. Start going through them. You owe your husband and marriage at least that much: Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Best wishes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop skyping M. You are asking for a sh!tstorm. Stop being selfish and cut it out. 

You know better. How would you feel if your husband were scheming behind your back professing feelings to a married woman with children? How do you think M's wife would feel?

Having an affair complicates everything...and doesn't resolve the key problem...your issues within your marriage.

End it and focus on either rebuilding your marriage or terminating it. But don't take another marriage/family down in the process.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So that would be a big 'yes' to an emotional affair.

Under the circumstances, perfectly understandable. Your reasons are in fact 'cookie cutter'. If there were a playbook for why marriages fail and fall victim to infidelity, yours would be page 1:
Lack of sex and intimacy, turn to someone else to fill the emotional gap.

No good comes from you continuing to correspond with your friend. None. Zero.

As for your husband. If he has always been low drive, then so be it. However, that certainly doesn't mean there isn't an issue behind it.

Low testosterone is the most common issue yielding the symptoms you describe. You can't make him address it, but you can decide what you are going to do if he refuses to address it ...
and leaving him should be at the top of your list.

That said, low testosterone still doesn't explain his treating you like crap.

There are bigger issues at play in your relationship. Nail them down. Identify them. Don't let all of it be swept under and overlooked by having an affair, or worse, having an affair discovered.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Stop skyping another man.

Figure out whats going on with your H (it could be an affair or porn or etc).

Decide if a divorce is the way to go and then if you do....mingle at that point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you sure your husband's not gay? Many such men marry so that they look 'right.' And if he is always 'on' for his family, he must really really care what they think about him.

If you divorce, you must still never see the OM again. No matter how you toss it, your relationship with him reeks and always will. Especially if HE divorces because of you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Stop skyping M. You are asking for a sh!tstorm. Stop being selfish and cut it out.
> 
> You know better. How would you feel if your husband were scheming behind your back processing feelings to a married woman with children? How do you think M's wife would feel?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Are you sure your husband's not gay? Many such men marry so that they look 'right.' And if he is always 'on' for his family, he must really really care what they think about him.
> 
> If you divorce, you must still never see the OM again. No matter how you toss it, your relationship with him reeks and always will. Especially if HE divorces because of you.


This was my dad. Gay gay gay but never with men. Married 4 times. Unreal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TG, is your dad still married or did he come out?



turnera said:


> If you divorce, you must still never see the OM again. No matter how you toss it, your relationship with him reeks and always will. Especially if HE divorces because of you.


WORD. UP.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> TG, is your dad still married or did he come out?
> 
> 
> 
> WORD. UP.


My dad passed 4 years ago. He came out but still remained married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Interesting. May he RIP.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Interesting. May he RIP.


He had a friend named Bobby that was also married...but they were never apart. lol. It's a long, convoluted story.

He's resting fine  In an urn on my bookcase.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think Bobby was his lovah.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think Bobby was his lovah.


lol ya think? LOLLL


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

MrsAnonymity said:


> I have friends I talk to online, some more than others, and one in particular who I confide in quite a bit. We’ll call him M. I met him about 6 months ago (online). He is married, 2 kids (both teenagers), and a few weeks ago I realized that I’ve developed feelings for him, maybe just a crush, but it’s there; I did not (and have not) said anything to him about this. I didn’t expect it to happen, it just sort of did. We talk about all kinds of things from personal to just nothing at all, and we could talk (and have talked) for hours on the phone. I’ve never met M in person, just Skype video chat, typing, email and phone calls.
> 
> A few nights ago while we were discussing his triumph with a recipe I gave him (he rarely cooks and wanted to give it a whirl) he blurted out that he has feelings for me. I hung up on him and he called me back, he told me he has felt this way for a while now and that he isn’t sorry for his feelings. I feel bad though. I like him, a lot, and I realize now that I was having an emotional affair, but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to hurt my husband, I love him very much, but I don’t feel like he loves me anymore. He won’t talk about it and I feel very cut off from him. I miss being touched. I miss being told that I’m loved. I miss all of it.


This was me 6 months ago. 

You must understand something right now!

You *are not* in love with M, you are in love with a feeling. You are in love with the *IDEA* of M.

The sooner you realize that the sooner you will be able to pull yourself out of this.

It is not a crush, don't dismiss it as such. It's a very real problem and it's very dangerous. From the sound of it, it looks like he is engaged in this EA full steam too.

You have to stop it now. 

I was in the middle of the same situation and it takes WAY more strength than you think you have right now to pull out of it. But you can. 

You have to find what it is about your H that attracted you to him in the first place. Hold on to that idea and start to push with all of your strength back in the other direction.

Right now you have the keys to the situation, you can turn it off and stop something horrible from happening. But you have to want to. And you have to face the fact that there is not going to be any comfort coming from your H to help you do it.

But you _can_ do it. It's not impossible and will take just a small amount of effort to begin. The real effort will be staying away from M. If he is anything like my AP, he will not make it easy for you to do that. It took me a full month of falling over and over again before I was able to convince myself that I needed to end this before it destroyed everything. 


The best thing you can do is break off all contact and then find something, anything, to help you maintain that conviction. You have to be committed. Don't feel bad for M, he'll get over it same as you. 

You're in this fight for yourself right now. You have to win back control of your emotions before you can hope to address the real problem in your marriage. I'm going to be posting about some of the things I learned in the last 2 months of NC. It is amazing what you will discover when the blindfold you've tied around your own eyes is ripped off.

Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to set yourself straight.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Break off the EA and give your hub the ultimatum. Deal with it or you are done and mean it. This is not fair to you but dont muddy the water with the EA


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. But, you likely already know what I'm going to say, because you already gave yourself the best advice.
> 
> Cut off contact immediately with the other man. Concentrate on your husband and your marriage and trying to discover what is going on with your husband.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrsAnonymity said:


> I am 30 and my husband is 39. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6, no children.
> 
> This is kind of a two-parter thread so please bear with me (and I will probably ramble).
> 
> ...


One blessing...You have no children. It think the way your husband is treating you is ABUSIVE. If he is not willing to work with you, get tested, seek help for his anger issues in addition or depression maybe? Ask his docs for some viagra-he is nearing that age. It is not a big deal anymore. 


What you are living with every day - bitterness with grow, lonliness will grow, resentment will grow. Even when you break it off with this OM, you will find yourself thinking of finding another so long as your husband has no care to show you any side of himself, but push you away and reject in anger and turn offs. 

You can only do your part-maybe could be other more effective ways to explore-but his refusal  IS the slow death of this relationship. 

If it was ME, I would go & sit down with your husband, fullly tell him how deeply you want him, need him, pour your heart out, you love him, you don't want anyone else -but you can't go on like this anymore, you are hurting too, and you need MORE. I would also go further and open up about the OM... telling him in your lonliness you started talking to this man, Yes, it is WRONG, it is done, you realized you just want your husband .

Ask for his forgiveness ....Pause , depending on how that goes over...tell him you are there for him in every way but you *NEED *him to come closer to you, share his emotions with you, if he can't -suggest counseling to save the marraige. You want to ride this out with him, whatever it is - you will face it together, but he needs to be ONBOARD with you, not pushing against the tide. Or the waves will drown you both. 

Of coarse if he is not an understanding man, this may make things worse . But I would hope not, it is a cleansing of the soul before someone we love. A good man would see the value in this, and appreciate your coming forth and choosing the right path.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Cialis actually works for a longer period of time, than the iconic blue pill.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

MrsAnonymity said:


> I am 30 and my husband is 39. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6, no children.
> 
> This is kind of a two-parter thread so please bear with me (and I will probably ramble). Happens to best of us.
> 
> ...


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## MrsAnonymity (Sep 30, 2011)

I have mostly guy friends, not many women. It’s a hazard when it comes to my hobbies, not many women out there are into the sort of thing I am in to (e.g. fantasy football). You can blame the fact that I have 3 brothers and 7 male cousins and that I was surrounded by guys growing up. I just tend to get along with “the boys” better than most women, I’m a bit of a tomboy I guess. Generally seen as just one of the guys, or at least that is how I'm treated. Once upon a time, my husband liked this about me. I, of course, make sure to try to look nice for him – he doesn’t come home to me in sweatpants and a grubby t-shirt or anything of that nature. But I’d rather spend a Sunday afternoon watching the game with the guys than going shopping with the girls. 

And yes, I have tried the subtle seduction techniques, they are apparently either missed (doubtful) or just easier to ignore than the less subtle ones, which is why I gradually graduated to blunt and obvious. Remember, I’ve been at this for a while; I’ve had plenty of time to try different things (including a wide range of lingerie). I have poured through magazines looking for ways to bring life back into our personal relationship, but so far nothing has worked. The outcome is the same. At this point I am not even sure I would want him touching me, not after what happened yesterday (more on that in a moment). 

I’ve looked on his computer, checked his e-mail (very predictable passwords), I even went through his phone (all without him realizing it, he takes a nap when he gets home from work) – nothing that sends up warning flags that he is seeing anyone else. The person he calls the most is me, and he doesn’t call me that often. His schedule is very predictable, and he is rarely late – when he deviates from his plan to have dinner with colleagues, I’m usually invited. I admit it, much like when I am with his family, I play along when we are in public. I miss the affection so much that it almost makes me forget how twisted things have gotten when he holds my hand and gives me a hug. It's like a little piece of how it was before things went downhill. I want it so much I’m willing to play along because if I don’t, odds are I won’t get any affection at all. I know that’s pathetic, anyone who feels the need to tear me down saying as much - I'm beating you to the punch. 

To the people saying I need to talk to my husband, as I wrote in my original post, I _have_ tried talking to him, many times - as with the seduction techniques I have had ample time to explore the possibilities in communicating with him. He does not care. He does not want to listen. He does not want to talk. As an example, yesterday I brought it up after breakfast. I told him I miss being close with him, I miss him holding me, I miss just feeling loved and asking him what has changed. I told him I love him and that he can talk to me about anything. Put my hand on his hand and tried to re-assure him, he recoiled. He said nothing has changed, that it’s all in my imagination and to stop being “retarded”, the hurt from this is two-fold, both insulting to me and insulting in the chosen word (which, I assure you, was intentional). I have a cousin who is mentally challenged and he knows I do not tolerate that phrase, that it bothers me when people toss it around flippantly. Anyone who knows me knows this, he did not just “forget”, his tone made that clear. I admit it, at this point, I got angry and I snapped at him. I told him I may not be great at mathematics, but that I was fairly certain 2 times per week was more than 0 times in the last year - that I didn't sign up to live like a nun and marriage was not just some relationship where you get a live in maid, cook, and housekeeper. At this point he lost his cool. He walked toward me, put his face right next to mine, and he told me if I ever say anything to anyone about our problems – doctor, family, counselor, anyone – I’ll regret it. Then he slammed his fist into the wall near my head, got his jacket, and left for work. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I do not want to make him angry anymore. The only time he has gotten that angry with me was mentioned in my original post. I'm afraid to tell him about M, I don't think I want to be anywhere near him for that. 

I tried to stop talking to M, told him it wasn’t good for us to talk and that it just complicated things. After what happened yesterday I caved and when he called (which he has been doing, every day). Instead of ignoring his call or hanging up as soon as pick up the line (caller ID), I took his call; I wanted to just hear his voice. I told him it was selfish for us to talk and to please stop calling, that it will be easier if we just cut contact. He could tell I was upset about something, but I felt like pouring my heart out would make it tougher for me to end the call. He disagrees, thinks we can still be friends without anything else. I don’t think I can. We left it at that and I told him I was sorry, but no matter what there isn’t a future with me, then I hung up. Persistent fellow, he called again today during my lunch break – I’m back to cold turkey. Harder than I thought it would be.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

MrsAnonymity said:


> I tried to initiate but he says it turns him off, I used to try to do things to let him know I was interested (blunt things like when he gets home from work I would be wearing lingerie or completely nude with candles lit).


*YOUR HUSBAND IS SO LUCKY!!!! OH HOW I WISH MY WIFE WOULD DO THIS!! THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL WAY FOR A WIFE TO BE!! WHY MUST THIS BE WASTED ON SOMONE WITH A LOW SEX DRIVE!! OH THE IRONY!!! I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.* :scratchhead:

As far as the rest of your post I would run away from this other guy as fast as possible. You don't want to have it go the wrong way. There is too much to risk.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you can't see yourself staying in this marriage another 30 years, tell him so. Tell him that you will be moving toward divorce. Usually the ONLY thing that works on men is that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MrsAnonymity said:


> To the people saying I need to talk to my husband, as I wrote in my original post, I _have_ tried talking to him, many times - as with the seduction techniques I have had ample time to explore the possibilities in communicating with him. He does not care. He does not want to listen. He does not want to talk. As an example, yesterday I brought it up after breakfast. I told him I miss being close with him, I miss him holding me, I miss just feeling loved and asking him what has changed. I told him I love him and that he can talk to me about anything. Put my hand on his hand and tried to re-assure him, he recoiled. He said nothing has changed, that it’s all in my imagination and to stop being “retarded”, the hurt from this is two-fold, both insulting to me and insulting in the chosen word (which, I assure you, was intentional). I have a cousin who is mentally challenged and he knows I do not tolerate that phrase, that it bothers me when people toss it around flippantly. Anyone who knows me knows this, he did not just “forget”, his tone made that clear. I admit it, at this point, I got angry and I snapped at him. I told him I may not be great at mathematics, but that I was fairly certain 2 times per week was more than 0 times in the last year - that I didn't sign up to live like a nun and marriage was not just some relationship where you get a live in maid, cook, and housekeeper. At this point he lost his cool. He walked toward me, put his face right next to mine, and he told me if I ever say anything to anyone about our problems – doctor, family, counselor, anyone – I’ll regret it. Then he slammed his fist into the wall near my head, got his jacket, and left for work. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I do not want to make him angry anymore.


Ugh. If that is his mindset and he's unwilling to compromise with you and give you what you need, then you need to decide if you want to tolerate a sexless marriage with a man who isn't willing to change that. 

Good for cutting contact with M. I would go ahead and block his # so that he can't call you anymore (you can call up your phone carrier/company & have this done). You canno tbe "freinds" with someone you've had an affair with. Plus he is married with his own family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrsAnonymity said:


> Then he slammed his fist into the wall near my head, got his jacket, and left for work. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I do not want to make him angry anymore. The only time he has gotten that angry with me was mentioned in my original post. I'm afraid to tell him about M, I don't think I want to be anywhere near him for that.


 This is sounding awfully close to an abusive husband. Have you considered that?


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